Date: 2021-07-19 07:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Paranormal; Romance; Vampires; Fantasy; Humour
Description: Anastasia I’m dead. He’s demonic. It never would have worked… Getting dumped by the Demon of my dreams wasn’t exactly in the game plan. Game plans suck. Throwing caution to the wind is my new motto. I used to be a semi-happily single Vampyre. As the Princess of the Australian Dominion, I have an enormous palace, a fabulous wardrobe, I don’t look a day over thirty, and I have gobs of friends—most of whom would be happy to see me permanently deceased. However, they hide it well. In the violent world of the undead, I consider it a win. Getting kicked to the curb by my True Mate has turned my worl

Fashionably Dead and Demonic

The Hot Damned Series, Book 15

Robyn Peterman

Copyright © 2021 by Robyn Peterman

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is coincidental.

This book contains content that may not be suitable for young readers 17 and under.

Cover design by Dreams2Media

Edited by Kelli Collins

Contents

Books In The Hot Damned Series

What Others Are Saying

Acknowledgments

Book Blurb

1. Anastasia

2. Levi

3. Anastasia

4. Levi

5. Anastasia

6. Levi

7. Anastasia

8. Levi

9. Anastasia

10. Levi

11. Anastasia

12. Levi

13. Anastasia

14. Levi

15. Anastasia

16. Levi

17. Anastasia

18. Levi

19. Anastasia

20. Levi

21. Anastasia

22. Levi

23. Anastasia

24. Levi

Epilogue

Robyn’s Book List

Note From The Author

About Robyn Peterman

Books In The Hot Damned Series

Fashionably Dead

Fashionably Dead Down Under

Hell On Heels

Fashionably Dead In Diapers

A Fashionably Dead Christmas

Fashionably Hotter Than Hell

Fashionably Dead And Wed

Fashionably Fanged

Fashionably Flawed

A Fashionably Dead Diary

Fashionably Forever After

Fashionably Fabulous

A Fashionable Fiasco

Fashionably Fooled

Fashionably Dead and Loving It

Fashionably Dead and Demonic

HIT HERE FOR THE WEBSITE PAGE WITH ALL THE BOOKS!

What Others Are Saying

“The Hot Damned Series is uproariously witty, deliciously provocative, and just plain fun! No one delivers side-splitting humor and mouth-watering sensuality like Robyn Peterman. This is entertainment at its absolute finest!”

~ DARYNDA JONES, NY Times Bestselling Author of the Charley Davidson Series

Acknowledgments

Writing The Hot Damned Series is like coming home. All of the characters live inside my head and talk constantly. I love all of them, and adding Levi and Anastasia to the family was a total joy.

My hope is that you enjoy reading Fashionably Dead and Demonic as much as I loved writing it. Each book I write is like giving birth to another beautiful baby. This baby happens to be naughty and full of delightful and ridiculous fun.

Anyhoo, as always, I write the book, but it takes a whole lot of wonderful people to make the magic happen. I am a lucky girl because I have a lot of wonderful people in my life.

Kelli, you are the BOMB of all editors. So happy you are in my life.

Rebecca, thank you for my beautiful cover. You are fabu!

My Cookie, Renee George thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are my hero. When we meet again, I will kiss your butt for real. LOL You are the most brilliant critique partner in the world! I don’t know what I would do without you. TMB.

My Magic Wanda, you kick ass on a daily basis. I’d be screwed without you. Thank you.

My beta readers—Wanda, Heather and Susan thank you. I adore you.

And to my readers… thank you. I do this for you.

Steve, Henry and Audrey, thank you. I love you and you make everything worth it.

Dedication

To Peterman’s Pushers. You gals are nuts and make my writing life so much more fun. Thank you.

Book Blurb

Fashionably Dead and Demonic

Anastasia

I’m dead. He’s demonic. It never would have worked…

Getting dumped by the Demon of my dreams wasn’t exactly in the game plan. Game plans suck. Throwing caution to the wind is my new motto.

I used to be a semi-happily single Vampyre. As the Princess of the Australian Dominion, I have an enormous palace, a fabulous wardrobe, I don’t look a day over thirty, and I have gobs of friends—most of whom would be happy to see me permanently deceased. However, they hide it well. In the violent world of the undead, I consider it a win.

Getting kicked to the curb by my True Mate has turned my world upside-Down Under. Whatever. If the Demon doesn’t want me, fine. He can skip his butt right back to Hell.

And if Levi thinks walking back into my life under the guise of ending the bad guy terrorizing my Dominion is gonna fly, he’s got a few electrocutions coming his way.

He wants the bad guy.

I want him.

Game on.

Levi

Falling for Anastasia is a damned disaster.

I’m a Demon. She’s a Vampyre.

I don’t do feelings or relationships. I’m a killing machine with a bounty on my head. I have nothing to offer her. Period.

I’m a dumbass for cutting her loose. But visions of the gorgeous Vampyre getting caught in the crossfire of idiots trying to whack my head off is unacceptable. While Anastasia is violent—an attribute I find wildly arousing—she didn’t sign up to be a target. The thought of her alive without me is far more appealing than her being permanently dead because of me. Of course, just when I thought I’d solved the problem by removing Anastasia from the equation, life—or rather, the pain in my backside, Satan—throws me back into her path.

Behemoth is darkening Anastasia’s Dominion, and I’m going to need the Vampyre princess if I want to take him out.

Two birds. One stone. Right?

Kill Behemoth. Spend time with the woman I want, but I can’t have.

Win-win. Kind of.

Whatever. Blue balls, here I come.

1

Anastasia

“This has to stop, Anastasia. It’s over,” Levi said coldly as he stepped into his jeans and pulled them up over his muscular thighs. The Demon was stupidly beautiful, as most denizens of Hell were. His thick dark brown—almost black—hair was on the longish side and felt like silk to the touch. “It can never amount to anything. The longer we play this game, the harder it will be on all involved.”

If I’d had a heartbeat it would have stopped. I didn’t. Leaving the room was an option, but I wasn’t a coward—never had been and wasn’t going to become one today. Instead, I stood silently while my dead heart was ripped to shreds.

His harsh words echoed ominously through the opulent suite we’d shared for the last month. The Cressida House was the Royal Palace of my brother Ethan and his mate, Astrid. We were their esteemed guests. The generosity and hospitality had been shown lovingly and with great delight from my brother and his mate. Of course, Astrid also happened to be the sister of the asshole I’d been banging—the very same half-naked colossal jerk who’d just dealt a lethal blow to my heart. While I adored Astrid, I was having a rather violent reaction to her brother right now.

“Mistakes happen,” he added emotionlessly.

The man was an obviously stupid mistake on my part. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been playing a game like he had been. Hindsight was twenty-twenty and humiliating.

My fangs dropped and I quickly pressed my lips together to hide the telltale signs of fury. Demons were a duplicitous species and Levi, short for Leviathan, was the most duplicitous of them all. I was an idiot of enormous proportions to have landed in this ridiculous situation.

And now I was getting dumped by someone who lived in Hell. The irony was almost debilitating. Par for the course of my eternal life.

“Whatever,” I replied, praying I sounded casual when all I wanted to do was cry or blow up the suite. “I wasn’t all that into it. You simply beat me to the punch.”

The swift tightening of his jaw as he jerkily pulled his shirt over his head was a tiny, unsatisfying victory.

Yanking my panties on and searching in vain for the rest of my clothes, I considered all kinds of revenge. Castration came to mind. Generally speaking, Demons could grow severed body parts back just like Vampyres. While it would be childish to castrate the imbecile, it was tempting to make sure no other woman could enjoy what I’d enjoyed… at least for the time it took for his impressive male part to grow back.

Of all the cruel tricks fate could have played, this was beyond the pale. Vampyres recognized their True Mates immediately. I’d recognized that the Demon was meant for me the minute I’d laid eyes on him. It had been a jarring moment. I’d denied the truth for as long as I could—which hadn’t been all that long considering I’d seduced the very willing idiot a few days after we’d met. We’d gotten busted during our first tryst by my brother, sister-in-law and about thirty Vamps who lived at the palace. It had been mortifying, but I hadn’t regretted it… until now.

And now? Now I was paying for my folly. Up until I’d met Levi, I’d been a happily, single, five-hundred-and-ninety-year-old Vampyre. As the Princess of the Australian Dominion, I had a lovely palace, fabulous wardrobe, didn’t look a day over thirty, and had gobs of friends. Well, gobs might be an overestimation. I had acquaintances—most of whom would have happily seen me permanently deceased. However, they hid it well. In the violent world of the undead, I considered it a win.

To be honest—which was highly overrated—I’d been miserable for centuries until I’d met the Demon who was presently shredding my non-beating heart. Happily ever after was a myth and I was a dumb dead girl to have believed differently. Living forever could grow tedious and lonely. But being stuck with one person for eternity could suck as well… or not.

Maybe he’d just saved me from a huge mistake. Maybe I’d just dodged a silver bullet. Lying to myself was surprisingly easy.

“Are you going to be okay?” Levi asked, avoiding eye contact as he tied the laces on his combat boots with far more force than necessary.

Wanting to shove the boots up his ass, I rolled my eyes. Where in the hell was my dress? The conversation was one that caught me with my pants down—figuratively and literally. Being naked and dignified was going to be a challenge, but I’d been in worse situations. I couldn’t think of any at this particular moment, but I was sure I’d come up with something… eventually… or maybe not.

“Your ego is rather large,” I said airily, trying to unclench my teeth as I spotted my dress hanging from the chandelier. How on earth had it ended up there? “It’s quite amusing that you think I need a Demon in my bed to be okay. You were simply a semi-pleasurable dalliance. No harm, no foul.”

Leviathan nodded curtly—his expression unreadable. His lips were positively sinful and the eyelashes framing his golden eyes belonged on a girl. Not to mention his huge, muscular frame with the large attachment was a big bonus. “I’ll be leaving now,” he said, glancing down at his watch.

My brows shot up and my stomach clenched. My body felt chilled, which wasn’t possible since I was technically dead. I didn’t like the feeling one bit. A man had never defined or controlled me. I wasn’t going to get attached now. Leviathan was a burden I didn’t need to carry. Good riddance to Demonic rubbish. “Now? Does your sister know?”

Levi’s gaze met mine. It was hypnotic. If I was a betting gal—and I was—I’d wager that the asshole didn’t want to leave me. Was it wishful thinking or was what I saw the truth?

Did it matter?

No.

He had chosen to leave. Done deal. The end. I was too old to beg.

“My sister does not know,” he replied in a flat tone. “I’m not into emotional goodbyes.”

“Obviously,” I muttered, grabbing the quilt from the bed and wrapping myself in it. I could fly up to the chandelier and retrieve my dress, but my goodies would be on unavoidable display. He didn’t deserve to see my goodies anymore.

“Anastasia,” Levi said, running his hands through his hair and compressing his lips. “I…”

“Need to leave,” I finished for him. I didn’t want the man to be nice. I really didn’t want his pity. The meaner he was, the better. It would be easier to forget him.

Like that was going to happen.

“Now,” I insisted, adopting his cool tone. “You need to leave now.”

The look in his eyes made me want to plead with him to stay. He’d never shared his secrets with me—only his body. I’d overheard a little of his tragic life when he’d sparred with Astrid, but he’d been closed mouthed about it since then.

I’d figured we’d have an eternity to discover each other.

I was incorrect.

The Demon had ruined me for other men. My days of casual dalliances to scratch an itch were over. Hell, sex hadn’t meant much to me for a few centuries. When one lived forever, pleasure ceased to have meaning. Well, until you found the one who was meant for you.

I couldn’t even get that right. How in the world did the Fates think it was a fine plan to pair a Vampyre with a Demon? Sadly, the joke was now on me. I’d fallen and the Demon had not. The only saving grace was that I hadn’t bitten him and made him mine. While the chances of me forgetting him were zero, it would have been physically crippling if he’d chosen to leave after we’d mated.

“What are you waiting for?” I demanded harshly. I didn’t have the Demon’s love—if he was even capable of the emotion, but I did have my pride. It was all I had left, and I wasn’t about to lose it. “Leave.”

“Goodbye, Anastasia.” With one last glance full of longing that I wanted to slap off his unforgettable face, the Demon disappeared in a blast of shimmering black mist.

It was wildly selfish and unfair of him to leave me with that image in my mind. It was bad enough that he didn’t want me as much as I wanted him.

Closing my eyes, I tried to brand the cold words he’d said into my brain—this could never amount to anything. He had been wrong. It could have amounted to something profound and beautiful, but he was too much of a coward to find out. He couldn’t even say goodbye to his sister. I didn’t need a weak Demon in my life no matter how good the jerk was in the sack. The True Mates theory was bullshit. I was proof.

“What an asshole,” I shouted at the empty room. “I just wasted a month of my life that I can’t get back.”

A month was a blip in time when life never ended. Flopping down on the bed, I laughed—kind of. The sound was tinny and on the edge of hysteria. It was either laugh or cry, and Levi didn’t deserve my tears. No man did. If my mate didn’t want me, so be it. His loss. I’d simply move on and forget him… or at least pretend to forget him.

Burrowing deeper into the bed we’d shared for what had been the most perfect month of my life, I did something I hadn’t done in centuries.

I cried.

* * *

“You’re shitting me,” Astrid said.

God, how I wished.

I sighed dramatically. It was a fake sigh since I didn’t need to breathe, but it usually got my point across and confused most dead people. I’d perfected it two hundred years ago. It was a game changer in throwing other Vamps off center. It was rumored amongst the Vamps in my Dominion that I was a freak of nature who could breathe. Messing with people was delightful. Astrid didn’t blink an eye. The only thing that would throw my sister-in-law into a rage would be if I was able to eat food. At my age, I could, occasionally. However, I wasn’t about to share that information.

“I shit you not. Levi left.”

Astrid’s face pinched and she looked like she was on the verge of blowing something up. I took a cautionary step away from the bay window. While a few shards of glass embedded in my body wouldn’t be a big deal, I didn’t want to end up getting decapitated by accident. I’d already been dumped today. It would suck to die for real.

Astrid was a rather profane and violent gal. I loved her to bits. My brother had done well for himself. His half-Vampyre, half-Demon mate was a glorious force of nature. She was also one of the True Immortals, meaning she was impossible to kill. Astrid represented Compassion and wore it well. She could also swear like a sailor. Impressive.

“Wait,” Astrid said, pacing her suite as red and purple sparks shot from her manicured fingertips. “He left without saying goodbye?”

I nodded. I’d already repeated most of the story five times. It was no one’s business that he didn’t want me.

“Did something happen between the two of you?” Ethan asked, concerned.

“Nope,” I replied, wanting to leave.

“And he gave you no reason?” Ethan pressed.

“Nope.”

“Did he say where he was going?” Astrid asked. “Uncle Fucker told Levi he wasn’t welcome in Hell right now.”

“That’s sad,” I said. “I would love to have told him to go to Hell.”

Ethan raised a brow and waited for more. There was no more. I’d already shown my hand and it was pitiful.

I knew I should be getting back to Australia, but it was such a lonely existence constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure my undead life wasn’t about to end. Ethan, as the Prince of the North American Dominion, had his Vamps in far better line than I had mine. Something had been off with my people for the last few years. It was as if some kind of evil had taken up residence and wouldn’t leave. I’d searched high and low and had come up with nothing except that most of my subjects wanted me dead. Our kind was prone to violence and bloodshed. Normally, I was fine with that. I just wasn’t all that into it being my blood.

“Levi’s a dick,” Astrid hissed. “Did you tell him?”

“That he’s a dick?” I asked, confused.

“Umm, no, dude. That’s a given. He’s a Demon. It’s to be expected,” Astrid said with a little smirk that reminded me so much of her brother. “The other thing.”

I narrowed my eyes at my sister-in-law. She was treading into dangerous territory. She might be unkillable, but she could still bleed. “What other thing?”

She rolled her eyes. “That he’s your True Mate.”

“He’s not,” I lied smoothly.

“Bullshit,” Astrid shot right back. “It’s soooooo obvious.”

“I’d have to disagree,” I said, swallowing back the need to headbutt my host. It would be incredibly bad form to have a go at Astrid. I was a violent gal, but my sister-in-law was somewhat insane.

“It is,” she insisted.

“Is not,” I countered.

“Issssss,” Astrid crowed.

“Not,” I snapped.

“Liar, liar, pants on fire,” Astrid shouted triumphantly, not backing down.

I wasn’t backing down either. “I’m not wearing pants. I win.”

Astrid froze. She took in my Stella McCartney maxi-dress with appreciation then slapped her forehead.

“Excuse me for a hot sec.” Astrid marched over to the entertainment console, waved her hand and blew it sky high.

Ethan laughed. Astrid’s fondness for random violence could only be matched by one other person I knew… me. There was a reason we got on so well.

The smoldering electronics shot sparks all over the room and hissed menacingly. The wheezing sounds of the melting, dying TV were strangely soothing.

“May I?” I inquired.

“Oh, shit,” Ethan muttered, shaking his head.

“Absofuckinglutely,” Astrid insisted with a grin. “Get it out on inanimate objects. It’ll be helpful to blow some shit up before we go find Levi and bring his stupid ass back here so he doesn’t ruin his life.”

I stopped dead in my tracks. “We’re not doing that.”

“Yes, we are,” Astrid informed me. She grabbed my arm and steered me over to an elaborate surveillance system hidden behind a priceless brocade curtain. “You love the idiot Demon and the son of a bitch loves you. He’s just too much of a dummy to admit it.”

“You’re mistaken,” I said flatly.

She rolled her eyes then pointed at the floor-to-ceiling security monitors. “You know you wanna blow that shit up, Anastasia. It would feel soooooo good.”

There were six rows of monitors with eight screens in each row. The explosion would be phenomenal. I stared at the very expensive array of security equipment for a long moment then glanced back at my brother.

Ethan ran his hands through his hair and grinned. “Have at it.”

I grinned back. I had no intention of finding Levi and bringing him back. If Astrid wanted to find her brother, that was her deal. I’d be long gone before she was able to locate the jerk. Plus, I should get home to make sure my people didn’t annihilate each other. She didn’t need to know any of that right now. I couldn’t risk her blowing up the surveillance system since I wanted to do it.

Picturing Levi’s face on all forty-eight monitors, I raised my fingers and wiggled them. The explosion was magnificent. Fire licked up the wall and incinerated the curtain as the glass from the screens shattered into a million pieces.

Throwing my head back and laughing as I imagined setting the Demon ablaze, I felt a little better. Violence was good for the undead soul… especially one that had been dumped by the Demon of her pathetic dreams.

“Thank you,” I said to a giggling Astrid. “That felt wonderful.”

“You want to go to the training center and beat the hell out of each other?” she asked with a hopeful expression. “You know, blow off a little more steam?”

“That works for me,” I told her through the wafting smoke from the fire. There weren’t a whole lot of Vampyres for Astrid to spar with since she was the ultimate badass. I was a badass as well, and it was fabulously refreshing to have a go at someone and not worry about ending a life. I would miss my batshit nuts sister-in-law terribly when I left. However, I would have the balls to say goodbye, unlike someone else I knew. “Can you give me about fifteen minutes?”

“Sure. Why?” she asked, watching Ethan douse the raging inferno I’d started with a wave of his hand.

I smiled at my brother. He was a good egg to be so sweet about his mate and his sister’s penchant for destruction. “I need to detonate my suite.”

“I’m sorry,” Ethan said with a groan. “Did you say you were going to detonate your suite?”

“She most certainly did,” Astrid confirmed, giving me a high five. “Anastasia is my kind of gal.”

“Wonderful,” Ethan said dryly. “Let me know when you’re done. I’ll send a cleanup crew so you don’t reduce the Cressida House to ash.”

Astrid wrapped her arms around my brother and kissed him soundly. “You’re the best husband I’ve ever had.”

Ethan chuckled. “I’m the only husband you’ve ever had. And that’s the way it shall remain.”

With a forced smile, I slipped out of the room. I was happy for their happiness. It was just a little difficult to be around at the moment. However, igniting the bed of sin I’d been sleeping in for the last month was a cathartic plan. I knew I couldn’t burn Leviathan out of my mind, but I could set fire to all the reminders of the Demon.

A really bad day had gotten just a tiny bit better.

2

Levi

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I muttered, eyeing the motley Demon duo who believed they could eliminate me.

Not only were they sadly mistaken, they were dressed like freaks. Demons, for the most part, were an attractive species. This pair? Not so much. The one in the front wearing a pirate hat, eyepatch, breeches, a puffy shirt, and Crocs was particularly appalling. The larger one to his left was sporting a horned Viking helmet, a kilt and carrying an ornate silver platter.

It had been three weeks since I’d torpedoed my one chance at happiness and I’d spent the entire time since dodging assholes who wanted a piece of me.

It was getting old. Not to mention, I’d almost lost an arm in battle three days ago. I didn’t have the time or patience to grow a new appendage. It was itchy and unenjoyable. Besides, I liked my arms and preferred keeping them.

“We’ve come to end yer arse, Leviathan,” the pirate grunted, putting up his dukes like that was supposed to scare me.

“Interesting,” I replied, glancing over at the tent and supplies I’d stolen. It had been so peaceful for three days deep in the woods near the Mammoth Caves in Kentucky. Since Satan had banished me from my home, I’d been biding my time making plans to use a portal to sneak back into Hell. It was unsurprising that my sister’s headquarters was in Kentucky, since she was both Demon and Vampyre. The myriad of underground tunnels and caves housed some of the most powerful gateways between the realms.

Getting to know Astrid had been a mistake. Liking her and her family was a liability. However, falling for Anastasia had been a goddamned disaster. I was a Demon. She was a Vampyre. I didn’t do feelings or relationships. I was a killing machine with a bounty on my head. I had nothing to offer her. Period.

The thought of the gorgeous Vampyre getting caught in the crossfire of shits like the ones who’d shown up to kill me today was unacceptable. Granted, Anastasia was violent—an attribute I found wildly arousing—she had not signed up for a life of being a target. The thought of her alive without me was far more appealing than her being permanently dead because of me.

Of course, Satan had made it abundantly clear that I wasn’t welcome back in Hell. The old man could screw himself. The Demon might be the ruler of Hell and my uncle, as far as DNA was concerned, but he was nothing to me. I didn’t fear his wrath. The life I’d led in my thousand years had made me immune to authority and threats. The Devil’s methods of torture were dull compared to what I’d been through.

Hell was my home and I planned to return and burn for the rest of time. Earning back respect for my family’s name after my father had decimated it was a fairly noble cause. Thankfully, Astrid had ended our sperm donor. It saddened me that I hadn’t been the one to do the deed, but the fact that he was gone for good was a profound relief. The bastard had been a useless and vicious son-of-a-bitch. I’d despised him and the feeling had been mutual. I’d have to fry for eternity to atone for his sins. However, living alone forever had grown unbearable. It was easier to exist in fire. If it earned respect, so be it.

While the Basement of Hell might be the lowest of lows, it was a lot less complicated than dealing with emotions and people. Reality was overrated and painful. I was done.

However, I was done on my terms—not on the terms of the imbecile wearing Crocs and his cohort in a Viking helmet.

“And what makes you think you can end me?” I inquired, sitting down on a tree stump and smiling.

They were confused by my casual attitude. I didn’t recognize either one. Hell was a large place so that wasn’t surprising. Not to mention, I’d been busy for the past few years in an inferno of flames.

“Ask me arse,” Pirate Demon shouted.

“I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head and biting back a laugh. While the last crew of Demons who’d wanted to see me dead were obnoxiously violent, this duet was pathetically bizarre. “Did you just suggest that your ass could speak?”

“Aye,” he said, pointing to the eight-foot platter-wielding dummy standing next to him. “This is me arse.”

“I see,” I said, snapping my fingers and producing a glowing silver dagger dripping in blood.

They took a step back. I heard their heartbeats speed up with fear. There was no way to miss that the blood on the enchanted dagger was fresh and belonged to Demons. Four Demons, to be exact. The very ones who’d wanted my arm as a souvenir. Suffice it to say they left with nothing—including their lives.

“Prepare to die, Leviathan, ye stripey-sweatered son of a sea snake,” the pirate bellowed.

I shrugged. “Sounds like a plan. Although, I seem to be at a disadvantage here.”

The two began to cackle like old ladies. I had a seriously difficult time figuring out how they’d found me. They were quite lacking in the brains department.

“That’s right,” the eight-foot dimwit yelled triumphantly, pumping the platter in the air over his head. “Two against one. You’re toast.”

“Not what I meant,” I replied, feeling kind of depressed at how easy it was going to be to eliminate them. “You seem to know my name, yet I don’t know yours. It’s much more satisfying to know the names of the Demons I destroy. I keep a notebook. I’d hate to have to record that I dispatched a pirate and a giant Viking.”

The clods exchanged confused and wary glances. The larger of the two shot a blast of magic at me.

I swallowed it and winked. “Tasty.”

They paled considerably and began to fidget. Clearly, they had no clue who they were dealing with. I was a Demon with liquid magic—a sea monster of sorts. Not the kind of dude you tangled with unless you wanted to die.

“Yar a cutlass-flappin’ bilge drinker,” the pirate announced, not quite as confident as he was a moment ago.

“While I didn’t understand a word of that, I shall thank you nonetheless,” I said, standing up and tossing the knife aside.

I didn’t need a knife to end them. I didn’t need magic either. Weapons and magic would make it too easy. Hand to hand was how I was going to handle this one. I needed a change. It kept the boredom at bay.

“I’m Gunter,” the giant said hesitantly, much to the disgust of his buddy.

“Shut yer trap,” he hissed. “Don’t tell the fake-bearded cutpurse nothin’, ye son of a biscuit eater.”

Gunter scratched his head. “Umm… can you speak English? Not following.”

“Are ye serious?” Pirate Demon asked, throwing his hands in the air. “Are ye a galley-hoppin’ arthritic octopus?”

Gunter’s eyes narrowed and he growled at his partner-in-idiocy. “I don’t think I like the tone of your voice.”

“And I think I’m gonna kick ye in the dungbie and shove yer head in the head.”

Sighing, I sat back down and watched as the fools forgot all about me and began to attack each other. The viciousness and skill of the idiots surprised me. The pirate was a sneaky and dirty fighter. Although, Gunter was no slouch.

Pirate Demon, in a fit of rage that looked as if he had to take a crap, bit Gunter’s leg right off his body. It was gruesome. It was only after Gunter removed the pirate’s left arm and right foot then began to beat him violently over the head with the platter that I decided to put an end to it.

“Enough,” I snarled as I separated the dolts and tossed them to opposite sides of my camp area. “While I found that somewhat amusing, I was hoping to have the pleasure of killing you myself. This is seriously boring.”

Gunter looked down at the ground guiltily. The pirate stared in shock at the empty socket where his arm used to reside. They were both bleeding profusely.

“You two are pathetic,” I said, picking up my knife and rolling it in my hands. “Who sent you?”

“None of yar business,” Pirate yelled, looking around for his lost appendages.

I rolled my eyes and turned to Gunter. “Would you like to answer the question or should I torture it out of you? I could quite easily remove your other leg to make sure that you matched. I could also happily shove the platter up your ass.”

“Umm… Gene?” Gunter mumbled in confusion.

“Shite,” Pirate Demon grunted. “Yar not supposed to tell the salty nard me name.”

I laughed. I didn’t have the answer I wanted, but I had a little ammo. “So, Gene the Demon Pirate,” I purred as I transported to him in a blast of shimmering black mist and held my dagger to his neck. “Before I remove your head, I’d like a few answers. There is no way in Hell you two found me on your own. Tell me who sent you and I might let you live.”

Gene squeaked in terror, but made the international zip-the-lip motion and kept his pirate-talking trap shut.

Gunter politely raised his hand.

I squinted at him. Was this seriously happening? They were like children.

“Yes, Gunter?” I said, acknowledging him. “You’d like to add to the conversation?”

“Umm… if I tell you who sent us, can Gene keep his head?” he asked.

I silently considered the request. It was reasonable. Killing them was rather unappealing. Demons weren’t inherently evil—our species didn’t cause bad behavior. We thrived on the evils of mankind… and mankind was inherently evil from my experience. The only way I enjoyed ending someone was if it was them or me. And honestly, I didn’t enjoy it all that much. It was self-preservation at this point.

“Yes,” I replied in a curt tone. “However, I’ll have to remove all your limbs. I’d like a little peace and quiet for a few days. While you grow back your appendages, it will give me time to mosey on my way without having to deal with dumbasses.”

“Seems fair,” Gene whispered with a terrified gulp, staying very still just in case I changed my mind and decapitated him.

“I agree,” Gunter said. “It’s mighty friendly of you not to end us when we so rudely came to kill you. You’re not the asshole we expected.”

Closing my eyes and trying not to laugh, I sighed. This day would go down as one of the strangest. “Thank you,” I replied. “Who sent you?”

“Behemoth,” Gunter answered with a shudder as Gene began to tremble.

My blood ran cold. My need to destroy something was almost uncontrollable. Pressing my lips together, I considered going back on my word. If the pirate and the giant were working for Behemoth, they didn’t deserve to live. The bastard had been in cahoots with my father long before I’d been alive. My hatred for Behemoth burned as hot in my soul as it did for my father.

However, I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that Behemoth had sent imbeciles. Or maybe it was brilliant. Their stupidity had made me careless. Their skills were deadly, but the lack of brain power behind them didn’t add up.

“Behemoth?” I ground out through clenched teeth. “You work for Behemoth?”

Even saying the name made me furious. He’d come closer than anyone besides my father to ending me. However, to truly end me, he needed something he didn’t have. And if I were to end him, I needed it too.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have it. I’d searched centuries for it, but I was unsure what I was looking for. Only Satan knew where and what the magic talisman was, and he wasn’t talking. As both Behemoth and I were Admirals of Hell, it was against protocol for Satan to take sides.

“Not exactly,” Gunter admitted sheepishly. “We heard through the grapevine he was offering ten billion for your head on a platter. We figured if we delivered, we could retire to Florida.”

Well, at least the silver platter now made sense.

“This is not my usual MO,” I said tightly, picking up Gene and tossing him on the ground next to Gunter. “Normally, I would kill you. However, since you answered my question, I’ll settle for dismemberment.”

Gunter nodded enthusiastically. “Much obliged.”

“Aye,” Gene chimed in. “Yar the good kind of tar-faced cod stain.”

“Again, thank you,” I told him as I removed the legs and arms from their bodies that they hadn’t already torn off themselves. I made it painless. I was good like that. “And if you want to retire to Florida, I’d suggest getting a damned job and earning some money. You can buy a nice little place on the beach and stay out of trouble.”

“Good advice,” Gunter said, falling flat on his face due to the lack of limbs.

Shaking my head, I propped both of them up and settled them on a rock. “Do not ever try to kill me again. I promise you it won’t end well. Am I clear?”

“Aye,” Gene said. “Are ye gonna tell Satan on us?”

I stared at both of them until they lowered their gazes in shame. Honestly, they weren’t all that bad for Demons—just dumb as a bag of hair.

“Not this time,” I said, gathering my stolen goods. “Satan’s an asshole.”

Both of the Demons gasped in shock. I laughed. Today was looking up. No bloodshed—or at least not mine—and I’d had a few good laughs.

“I’d say it was nice to meet you, but it wasn’t,” I told them, tucking my dagger into a sheath at my waist. “If I ever see your faces again, it will be the last day of your lives.”

Both of the Demons were blubbering praise and kissing my ass as I transported away. For the love of everything evil, today couldn’t get any weirder.

* * *

The Mammoth Cave tunnels were stunning, truly one of nature’s miracles. The calcite stalagmites and stalactites looked like crystals and diamonds hanging from the ceilings and bursting from the floors of the caves.

“Shit,” I muttered in disgust. The day had just gotten shittier in the worst way possible.

While I’d enjoyed exploring the far reaches of the underground caverns unknown to the humans, the company that had shown up left a lot to be desired. The terrain in caves reminded me of some of my favorite parts of Hell. The Devil’s presence ruined it.

“What an unusual surprise,” Satan gushed, sitting atop a black onyx throne in a room filled with exquisite rock formations.

His attempt at surprised shock was a dismal failure. The Lord of Darkness was an outstanding liar, however, his acting skills sucked. And for the first time in my memory, Satan wasn’t dressed to the nines. The Devil was not wearing Prada. The asshole was wearing a sheepskin coat, jeans and boots.

“Cut the shit,” I said, flatly. “Nothing is a surprise to you.”

“Touché,” he purred. “Going somewhere?”

“None of your business, old man.”

“Ahhh, but I think it is, Leviathan. If you think you’re going back to Hell that is definitely my business.”

Inhaling deeply and blowing the breath out slowly, I considered my options. The bastard was messing with my chi. The Earthly plane held nothing for me but memories of a blonde-haired, beautiful Vampyre I couldn’t have. And I’d grown bone-tired of defending my life every other day.

“Hell is my home,” I reminded my uncle in a cold tone. “You’ve taken enough from me. Leave me with my home.”

The Devil’s eyes narrowed. “Explain to me what exactly I’ve taken from you,” he demanded, crossing his arms over his sheepskin-clad chest. “Make me understand.”

“Games are beneath you,” I snapped.

“Wrong,” he shot back. “Games are delightful. Especially when I win.”

“You cheat.”

The asshole rolled his eyes. “Obviously. As do you.”

He had me there. He also had me on his question. For the life of me, I couldn’t answer him without sounding like a pitiful child. He’d taken nothing from me. However, he was the one person who could have saved me from the hell that had been my existence… and he hadn’t. Saying the words aloud would never happen. Giving the Devil ammunition was a bad plan. Emotions were weak. I’d learned that lesson well. It had been beaten into me most of my life. Emotion brought pain. Case in point… falling for a woman I wasn’t destined to have.

Therefore, games and lies it would have to be.

“Nothing,” I replied, meeting his gaze. “You’ve taken nothing from me.”

A flash of confusion crossed Satan’s expression for the briefest of moments. It was gone as fast as it had arrived. It was odd to me why an answer was so important to him. His need gave me the upper hand. It was a dangerous proposition to have the upper hand with the Devil, but I really didn’t care.

“I have a question,” he said silkily.

“So do I.”

“Age before beauty,” he purred. “Wait. I’m older and more beautiful. Scrap that.”

“Your question?” I ground out.

“Ah yes. Do you like my coat?”

“Are you fucking serious?”

The Devil’s eyes narrowed. “Very. Do you like it? It’s sheepskin—quite fleecy.”

I rolled my eyes. “No, I do not like your coat.” Actually, it was an outstanding coat, but it was more fun to screw with him than compliment the narcissist.

“Too bad,” he said with a pout. “I was going to give it to you.”

“I don’t want your fleecy sheepskin coat.”

“Too bad, so sad. Your turn, Leviathan. What is your question?”

“What do I have to do to come back to Hell?” I asked.

Satan smiled. It was disconcerting. He was a dick.

“Take out Behemoth,” he replied. “He’s crossed the line into fucking with the Vampyre world. It’s going to cost me tremendously if he does too much damage. I do not want to owe the Vampyres. I much prefer they owe me. It’s more fun that way.”

Scrubbing my hand over my mouth, I wanted to blast the Ruler of Hell with every bit of power I had. It wouldn’t kill the bastard considering he was a True Immortal, but I could make it hurt.

He was very aware of my desire. His dastardly grin grew wider.

“Deal?” he inquired, still grinning.

“I need the talisman,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Ahh, yes,” he said. “Just so happens it’s in the country where Behemoth is undermining the Vampyre authority. Getting quite messy and bloody from what I understand. I’ve been told he has their leader in his sights.”

I waited. There was more. There was always more with Satan and it was never good.

The Devil stood up and tilted his head to the side. “You’ll need a Vampyre envoy to get into the country without being incarcerated. Best for you to go in legally.”

Expelling another long breath, I glared at him. “Since when have legal means been important to you?”

“Since today. If you go in legally with my blessing and you win, I will not have to punish you.”

I had no clue if what he was proposing was true. He lied far more than he told the truth, but if I could destroy Behemoth, a punishment would be well worth it.

“Fine,” I said after a long moment. “I’ll take Astrid.”

“No can do,” Satan informed me. “She has no jurisdiction in that country.”

“I’m not exactly friendly with a lot of Vampyres,” I hissed. “What country are we talking about?”

“Australia, mate,” he replied.

It happened before I could stop myself. I literally saw red. My fury that Behemoth could harm Anastasia in her home Dominion almost blinded me. Diving at the Devil, I tackled him and savagely began to fight. Satan gave as good as he got. The pain was excruciating and mind numbing. I felt more alive than I had in weeks.

“You’re holding back,” I roared as my elbow connected to his face and I heard his bones crack. A sickening satisfaction coursed through me—the feeling of euphoria mixed with guilt. It was always this way in battle—my own variation of yin and yang.

“You’re lucky I am,” Satan growled as he expertly put me into a choke hold and began to methodically squeeze the life from me.

Black spots raced across my vision. My body went lax in his arms. I was strong, but the Devil was stronger. Part of me was tempted to force him to end me, but that would have to wait. If Anastasia was in danger, saving her was my mission before I died.

“I’ll go,” I choked out in a ragged whisper that sounded like I’d swallowed glass. “I will end Behemoth.”

“Excellent,” Satan said, dropping me to the ground and dabbing at the blood gushing from his broken nose. “Your envoy is at the Cressida House. I’d suggest you go and beg her to let you enter her Dominion.”

I eyed the asshole as I got to my feet with effort. It felt as if I’d been mowed down by a freight train. I was happy to see Satan limping too. “What makes you think I’ll have to beg?”

Satan laughed. “What makes you think you won’t? From what I understand, the last time you saw her, you ran off with your tail between your legs. Quite cowardly if you ask me.”

“I didn’t ask you,” I ground out, gingerly touching my bruised neck.

“Consider it free advice,” he said. “And here’s another little piece of advice—groveling on your knees is very impressive.”

“Not happening.”

The Devil shrugged. “We shall see. As far as the location of the talisman, I’ll give you a clue. It has no feet, no hands, no wings, but can climb high into the sky. Look for this. It will lead you to where you will find what you seek.”

“What the hell am I looking for exactly?”

Satan’s eyes narrowed. “It’s no longer a game if I tell you how to win.”

“You’re an asshole,” I snarled.

“Thank you,” he replied with a bow.

As physically messed up as I was at the moment, I wanted to have another go at the bastard. I didn’t have time for cryptic riddles. If it had been only my life in danger, I wouldn’t have cared. My life was always in danger. However, it was the life of a woman who I had come to value and love far beyond mine.

“The clue sucks,” I said, clenching my fists at my sides so they didn’t accidentally connect with his face.

Satan smiled. Blood still poured from his nose and ran all over his sheepskin coat, but somehow the old man looked even more regal and in charge. “I’ll send you a crew of Demons who happen to be experts in the riddle department. You’ll enjoy them. Quite snappy dressers from what I recall.”

“Fine,” I said, unable to bring myself to say thank you. I’d almost said “fuck you”. I considered the word fine to be a win.

The Devil was quiet for a long moment. It was unnerving, but I simply followed his lead. I didn’t trust myself not to insult the man beyond reason. If he had more to say, I needed to hear it… even if I didn’t understand it.

“You will find the talisman buried in a bank that has no money, where no bank—in the normal sense of the word—should exist,” he said, then sighed dramatically. “What you seek has no flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet strangely, it has fingers and thumbs of its own. Whomever finds it first shall win. You will find your power in something that is in everyone… sometimes on everyone. If it surrounds certain beings it can kill.”

Running my hands through my hair in frustration, I committed all the nonsense to memory. Hopefully, the ass would be sending Demons who could decipher the mess. If not, I was screwed.

“That it?” I asked.

“For now,” Satan replied. “I’d suggest you get a move on it. You have a lot of groveling to do.”

“Fuck you.”

The Devil threw his head back and laughed. “Fuck you too, my nephew. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Well, that certainly leaves the field open,” I muttered as I fought not to let my lips curl into a smile.

“Correct!” Satan yelled. “Are you quite sure you don’t want my fleecy sheepskin coat?”

“I don’t want your damn coat.” The man was certifiable. If life had turned out differently, I might have liked the bastard.

“As you wish,” he said as he disappeared in a massive blast of black glitter.

“What the hell? The asshole is losing his mind,” I muttered. Why was he trying to pawn a sheepskin coat off on me? Better question… why was I trying to make sense of the Devil’s actions?

Glancing down at my bloody clothes, I considered changing but refrained. Maybe I’d get a few sympathy points for getting attacked by the Devil… or maybe not. It was worth a shot.

When one had everything to lose, no stone should go unturned and no devious measure should go untried.

Desperate times called for whatever method worked. Anastasia might despise me, but she was going to live.

And Behemoth was going to die.

3

Anastasia

The fight-training facilities at the Cressida House were top-notch, including a gym with every machine known to man. There was a boxing ring on the far left side and a three-mile circular running track. Right smack in the middle of the cavernous room was an empty area covered in mats for sparring. Sparring was the polite term for Vampyres beating the crap out of each other.

Astrid and I had put it to fine use beating the living hell out of each other.

Every day.

For three weeks.

I would never be able to thank my sister-in-law enough for helping me get my head back on straight after being dumped by the Demon who fate had so cruelly selected for me. Bloody violence had been just what I’d needed. Astrid was a keeper. Levi was not.

Over the past few weeks, I’d vacillated between wanting to peel my skin off, find the jackass and beg him to love me, and curling up in a ball and crying for a few decades. Showers had been optional until Astrid pointed out that I was stinky. That had been the last straw. I was many things, a warrior, a princess, a badass Vamp and a snappy dresser—I was not stinky. Well, not anymore. All of the new emotions I felt were incredibly foreign and very unwelcome. If this was what love felt like, it sucked.

I was far better off without the man even if the douche was my True Mate. It might take me a century to get over it, but I would. I certainly didn’t need the Demon for my self-worth. I had plenty of that.

Life just would have been more fun with Levi standing next to me.

Too bad. So sad. Fairy tales were for storybooks, not life.

“As much as I’ve enjoyed having my ass handed to me and handing yours back to you, I do believe I’ve overstayed my welcome,” I said, lying on my back next to Astrid on the floor. Our smackdown had gathered a large audience of Vamps who were wildly appreciative of our brute-force strength and our utter joy in using it on each other.

Astrid grunted as she carefully sat up. “Pretty sure you broke a few of my ribs.”

“Fair is fair. We heal pretty fast,” I said with an exhausted laugh, noticing that the Vamps had cleared out now that we were done trying to rip each other apart. “I had to shove my shoulders back into their sockets at least eight times during that last round.”

Astrid grinned and attempted to hug me. “I’m gonna miss your violent ass so much, Anastasia.”

I swatted her away. She was bleeding all over me. “Back at you.” I meant it.

The last three weeks had been hard. They would have sucked me down into a black hole of depression without Astrid and my brother. Life would go on. It always did. And I would be fine. I always was.

“Serious question,” Astrid said, flopping back down on the floor next to me.

“Kind of not into that at the moment,” I said, trying to sound light and carefree. I failed.

“Roger that,” she replied. “But I need to know that you’ll be okay. You can stay here as long as you want.”

The dummy was going to make me cry. I suppose it didn’t matter. I was covered in blood—hers and mine. A few bloody tears wouldn’t be noticed.

“I know,” I said. “But there comes a time in every old Vamp’s life when she has to get home and knock some heads together… or off.”

Astrid sat up and pulled me up with her. “What in the ever-lovin’ hell is going on in your Dominion?”

I fake sighed. Astrid had been wildly impressed with my counterfeit breathing and had been practicing. “It’s been off for a while now. My generals insist I’m wrong, but my gut tells me otherwise.”

“Are your people infighting?” she asked, handing me a bottle of flavored blood compliments of Vinnie, one of the sweetest and strangest little Vampyres I’d ever met.

Taking a huge sip of spinach-and-artichoke-dip-flavored plasma, I shook my head. “No, it’s more insidious than that—like an evil has crept in and I need to vanquish it. I just have to find it.”

“You trust your generals?” she inquired, downing a bottle of chips-and-extra-hot-salsa-flavored blood that Vinnie had created just for her.

The damn stuff was so good, I’d invested in Vinnie’s bottled blood company—Vinnie’s Viscous Vital Fluid. VVVF for short. The name left a tremendous amount to be desired, but the drink was fabulous.

“For the most part, I trust them. It’s different in Australia than here. Most Vamps are loners in my Dominion and there aren’t nearly as many,” I told Astrid. “In my experience, one would be a fool to completely trust a Vamp—other than family.”

“That doesn’t always work out so well either,” she said with a raised brow.

She was correct. By happenstance of a child born of my father and Astrid’s mother, we shared a sister, but weren’t blood related ourselves. Juliet was incarcerated in the dungeon of the Cressida House. She’d basically tried to kill everyone in the family… repeatedly and with zero remorse. That had gone over like a lead balloon. I’d been to visit her several times during my stay. Her behavior was deranged and psychotic. It was heartbreaking. Astrid still thought she might be able to be redeemed, but I had my doubts.

Astrid saw far more good in people than I did.

She was also younger by a couple hundred years.

“So, anyhoo, I’ll be leaving tomorrow,” I told her, standing and offering her a hand up. “I’d be delighted if you and Ethan would come for a visit after I get my people in line.”

“Done deal, dude,” Astrid said, taking my hand. “I want to play with a kangaroo.”

I laughed. Australia was a beautiful and majestic place to live. My palace was in the outback due to the lack of human population. The vast remote area in the center of Australia was dry, arid and almost entirely uninhabited. For me, it was perfect. Vampyres lived in public, but our existence was a secret. It was the reason we were still around today.

“That can be arranged,” I replied, hugging my bloody friend.

“Umm… Astrid,” Paris Hilton called out from the entrance of the training center, looking worried. “We have a little issue.”

Paris Hilton was a lovely Vampyre with stunning turquoise eyes, like the ocean in the Caribbean. She had not chosen her name after the American socialite. This particular Paris Hilton had been alive for at least a hundred years. Her beginnings were tragic from the stories I’d been told, but her existence now was one filled with love and protection. My brother had saved her life and she was committed to protecting both him and Astrid.

She was a bit of a nutjob, but I liked her tremendously.

“Define issue,” Astrid said as her eyes narrowed and her fingers began to spark.

“Well,” Paris said, wringing her hands. “There are about six Demons on the front lawn of the palace trying to kill your brother.”

I felt sucker punched. My adrenaline spiked and my fangs dropped. “Not happening,” I shouted, sprinting out of the gym.

“Where are you going?” Astrid yelled, right on my tail.

“No one is going to kill Levi unless it’s me,” I growled.

“There’s the spirit,” Astrid crowed. “Let’s go save my brother so you can kick his ass.”

* * *

“Mmmkay… What the ever-lovin’ fuck?” Astrid demanded as we skidded to a stop and took in the mass carnage.

“I’ve got this,” Levi yelled as he dodged a brutal attack by backflipping out of the way of three bloodthirsty Demons. The idiot tossed throwing stars while upside down in midair. He temporarily blinded his foes then lopped off their heads with a katana.

It was hot.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. There were pieces of Demon everywhere. I heaved a fake sigh of relief that Levi was still among the living. I despised him, but I wanted him alive. It would be difficult to take revenge on a dead Demon.

It was bold for Demons to be Earthside and cause such damage. It was incredibly stupid to do it at the palace of the Prince of the North American Dominion and his Princess—the True Immortal who could destroy them quite easily.

“Sorry about this,” Levi said sheepishly, handily ripping off the head of the last of the pack of Demons who had clearly tried to end him. “Happens all the time.”

He tossed the head aside and smiled at me.

I flipped him off.

“Dude,” Astrid said, glancing around. “This is normal for you?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” he replied in a measured tone, still staring at me. “I’m quite difficult to kill and apparently there’s an exceptionally large bounty on my head right now.”

“So, if I kill you, I’ll be rich?” I inquired with a raised brow.

He winked. “Extremely.”

I was torn between tackling him and kissing him silly, or shooting him with a bolt of lightning that he’d never forget.

I did neither. I just stared back. The tension was electric.

Astrid’s curious glance bounced between us. “So… Lord Wrangler Toughskins, you back to stay or just decided to drop by to kill a bunch of Demonic idiots in my front yard?”

“No and no,” Levi said as my stomach sank.

“You can stay,” I said in an icy-cold tone. “I’m leaving. Tomorrow.”

“I’ll be joining you,” he replied tightly—forcing each word out of his mouth like it was painful and repulsive.

That’s when I electrocuted him.

“Was that really necessary?” Levi asked, swatting out the fire that ate right through his bloody t-shirt.

“Absolutely,” I hissed. “You are not welcome in my life or in my Dominion. Got it?”

He grinned. “Nope.”

“Do you really want to be electrocuted again?” I asked, trying not to grin back.

Even though he was an asshole who didn’t love me, his smile did something to my insides and made me feel more alive than I had in centuries.

“I’d prefer not, but if it makes you happy, I’m down.”

“Kinky,” Astrid commented as she motioned for the Vampyres on the lawn to retreat. “Nothing to see here. Everybody, move your asses back into the compound.”

“But there might be more violence,” Paris Hilton said with her hands clasped in front of her in excitement. “I’d hate to miss it.”

Astrid rolled her eyes and pointed at the palace. “Not to worry. In our world there’s always more violence. Just give it an hour. I saw a signup list for a dodgeball game happening later this afternoon—sure to be lots of blood and loss of limbs.”

“Oooooooh!” Paris squealed as she skipped into the palace. “Sounds fun.”

“Alrighty then,” Astrid said, eyeing us. “I’m going in. If either of you kill each other I will be royally pissed. You feel me?”

“Roger that,” Levi said to his sister with a chuckle.

I gritted my teeth. There was no way I would ever kill Leviathan—not even sure that I could. However, a little electrocution or three wasn’t off the table. The Demon had broken my non-beating heart. Yet somehow, he thought it was fine to waltz back in and inform me he’s coming home with me?

Not happening.

Unless…

No. Not happening. Period.

“I will not kill your brother,” I promised Astrid. “There will potentially be some maiming, but his junk will grow back.”

Levi cautiously placed his hands in front of said junk. Astrid grinned from ear to ear.

“Works for me,” she said, turning to leave. “Oh, and the suite you incinerated is all fixed back up. If you wanna… you can release some tension in the bedroom.”

“Nope,” both Levi and I said at the same time.

While it was entirely fine for me to say that, it was beyond not okay for him to. Snapping my fingers, I shot a searing-hot fireball right at the Demon’s head.

To my shocked surprise, he swallowed it.

“Seriously?” I asked, astounded.

“Seriously,” he replied. “We need to talk.”

Those were not words I liked to hear—the phrase never led to anything good. And his tone didn’t imply it was happy news. However, getting over him would be much easier if he gave me reason to castrate him.

“Fine,” I said flatly. “Did you happen to bring magic-repellant body armor?”

Levi’s brows shot up and he grinned. “Can’t say I did. Do you think I’ll need it?”

“Yes, actually I do.”

Levi’s grin grew wider. Demons were insane.

“Shall we take our chat to the gardens since it would probably be a bad idea to blow up the Cressida House?” he suggested.

“Is this chat going to want to make me detonate something?” I inquired.

“Possibly.”

“Then by all means, let’s take a walk,” I replied in a clipped tone. “You’re going to regret greatly not having body armor.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” he said smoothly.

Like I said… Demons were insane.

4

Levi

“You have fifteen minutes to explain yourself,” Anastasia informed me. “After the allotted time, I highly suggest running for your life.”

Hiding my grin was impossible. Her violent streak was arousing. Everything about the smack-talking Vampyre was perfect for me. Sadly, I was not perfect for her. Being unselfish was not my norm, but a woman like Anastasia was also not my norm. The tangled web of unfamiliar emotions I felt for her was horrifying. My, dare I say, love for her made me want to take the high road. However, I was still a Demon…

“I can usually go longer than fifteen minutes,” I replied.

She laughed. Then she electrocuted me. It was worth it.

If I was pressed to describe my feelings, I’d have to say giddy. I’d never felt giddy in my thousand years of existence. Demons didn’t do giddy. My heart raced. I stole as many glances as I could at the glorious woman who wanted to castrate me. Anastasia’s lips were made to be kissed and her body defied gravity. Her long blonde hair blew in the early afternoon breeze and her sapphire-blue eyes sparkled in the sun—granted, they glittered with fury. I didn’t blame her one bit. I’d been an asshole of epic proportions.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t about to change.

However, knowing she would be safe and alive once I ended Behemoth was the gift that would keep on giving while I burned in Hell for eternity. Love was the strangest of all emotions.

“Your balls are enormous,” Anastasia snapped, seating herself on a concrete bench in the middle of an exquisite rose garden.

Glancing down in alarm, I tried to determine if my nuts were somehow deformed. If Satan had messed with my junk, he was going to pay.

Nope, balls were fine. “Not following,” I said, warily taking a seat on a bench a few yards away. “My testicles look normal to me.”

Her eye roll made my dick stand at attention. Staying neutral was going to be hard—pun painfully intended.

“Not what I meant,” she replied. “You have some nerve coming back here thinking you can come home with me after dumping me.”

“I can see how that might seem odd,” I conceded.

Again, she electrocuted me.

“Odd?” she hissed. “How about humiliating, embarrassing and mean?”

This was not going well. Fine. If she needed the particulars, I could give her that. “There’s a Demon causing deadly problems in your Dominion. I need to kill him. It would be a hell of a lot easier if I could enter your land with your blessing.”

“That’s why you came back?” Anastasia ground our, her eyes blazing and her fangs out. “Because you wanted a favor?”

There was no answer that wasn’t going to get me fried. The truth was worse than a lie at this point.

“I’m sor… sooorr… I’m… umm… sorrrrrr,” I began. The word hadn’t passed my lips. Ever. Well, maybe I’d said it, but I’d never meant it until now.

“You’re what?” she demanded, crossing her arms over her chest and eyeing me like I was a cockroach.

“Sssssorry,” I gasped out, wondering if I was about to disintegrate to ash.

She nodded then checked her manicure. “For what?”

“For being a dick,” I replied with pride. It hadn’t been all that difficult to apologize.

“What else?”

Crap. What else did she want? “For being a big, giant dick?”

“Already established,” she pointed out. “You have to do better.”

“Okay,” I said, new to this one. No liaison I’d ever indulged in had meant anything to me other than finding sexual release. It was quite man-whorish to admit, but the truth wasn’t always pretty—especially in my part of the world. “Sorry I was a dick while you were naked.”

Anastasia sighed. It was the strangest thing considering she didn’t breathe. However, the intention behind it was crystal clear. I hadn’t hit the right answer yet.

“Sorry that I didn’t say goodbye to Astrid?” I tried again.

“Nope.”

“Sorry that I stole a few pairs of your underwear?”

She squinted at me in disbelief. “You did?”

Shit. Busted. “Yes.”

“How many?”

“Three pairs,” I admitted.

“Are you wearing them?” she inquired with the tiniest of smirks.

“Umm… no, I have them in my pocket.”

“I see. I want them back. You don’t deserve them.”

I blew out a long sigh. She was not getting her panties back. “Darn,” I said, trying to look honest—difficult but kind of doable. “They’re in my other pants. Sorry about that.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Correct,” I told her, then looked down at the ground. Our sexually charged banter was not going to help her hate me. My heart didn’t want her to despise me, but my head knew that it was the only way.

“And is there anything else you might regret?” she pressed.

So. Very. Much. “Anastasia, this won’t work.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because I’m dark. I’m evil,” I said flatly. “That will not change.”

“I’m no stranger to the dark.”

I smiled and closed my eyes. She didn’t know the darkness. There was no way she could. “I’m broken.”

“Who’s not?” she shot right back.

“You can’t win,” I said, wishing so badly that she could. “No one can love me as I am.”

She rolled her eyes. “Not if you’re a fatalistic sad sack douche canoe,” she informed me. “Just try.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “And I know… I know that it probably won’t work, but we’ll never know unless we try.”

I took a deep breath. Feeling pulled in a hundred different directions, I fought the urge to shut down. I didn’t want to shut down, I wanted… her—and a shot at something other than the despair that accompanied living forever. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t truthful about why I left,” I said, then shook my head in disgust at my selfishness.

I felt raw and exposed. It was liberating and horrifying. I was diving into a riptide. She knew it and I knew it and neither one of us wanted to swim back to shore.

The truth was not going to be helpful. It would cause more pain. So much for leading with my head instead of my heart. The woman made me want to do the stupid shit.

“Better,” she said with a raised brow. “Why don’t you expand on that one?”

“Can’t.”

“Won’t,” she shot back.

“Both,” I conceded. I was doing this for her. It was the noblest fucking thing I’d ever done. Someday she’d understand.

“We’re done here,” she said, standing up and looking like she was going to cry.

The expression on her face shredded my evil heart. This was a shitty plan. I couldn’t do it. We were not done. I had no clue what we were, but done wasn’t it. I grabbed her arm as she walked past me. The feel of her skin sent an electric spark into my fingertips and up my arm. “Stay,” I requested quietly.

She was owed the truth. I was probably going to lose my dick over it, but honesty was the least that I owed her.

“Being with me will lead to your end. That’s something I can’t live with. I’m not good for you—or good enough for you,” I whispered.

“That’s not your decision to make.”

I stood and took a few steps away. It was too difficult being so close. Her scent drove me wild. “I’m a Demon with a bounty on my head—a bounty that will never go away. You’re a Vampyre Princess with a life and a future. I have enemies that will go after you to hurt me—like the one wreaking havoc in your Dominion. I’m destined to burn in the Basement of Hell for eternity. Not exactly a great match.”

“Did Satan damn you to that punishment?” she asked.

Truth. Tell the truth. Deal with the fallout after. “No.”

“Who did?”

I sighed. I wasn’t sure what she was getting at, but I was going to tell her as much as I could. “I did.”

Anastasia walked back over to the concrete bench and sat down. “Then undo it.”

I chuckled. “Not that easy.”

“Nothing worth it is,” she replied. “Tell me this. Did you want to leave me?”

I paused.

“Don’t think,” she snapped. “Answer the questions.”

“No.”

“No, you didn’t want to leave me, or no, you won’t answer the questions?”

“Excuse me for a moment,” I said through gritted teeth.

Walking to the far side of the garden, I spotted a huge stone wall—eight feet high and at least forty feet long—covered in climbing ivy. I hoped my sister wouldn’t be too pissed if I put a few holes in it. My mind felt chaotic and my heart actually fucking hurt. What the hell was I doing? If I was truthful, which was the wrong thing to do, I would tell Anastasia that I was in love with her. That it was killing me to be away from her. That I would happily die for her.

And then she would end up dead—for real dead, not just undead. Behemoth would tear her limb from limb if he knew I loved her. Maybe he already knew. Maybe that’s why he’d chosen Australia to mess with… Fuck.

The scenario was unacceptable. So, I punched the wall instead—no magic, just brute force. The contact sent searing pain all the way up my arm and my knuckles were bleeding profusely. It was fantastic.

Anastasia walked over and stared at me. “Did that help?”

“Yep.”

She nodded, reared back her fist and punched the wall.

Now we were both bleeding.

“What the hell are you doing?” I demanded, punching the wall again.

“Getting it all out on inanimate objects so I don’t behead you,” she grunted as she took another swing at the stone.

“Stop that,” I admonished her as I walloped the wall yet again. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

She laughed, flipped me off, then wailed on the wall with such force, I was shocked.

She stepped back, examined her raw hands with satisfaction, then eyed me. “You don’t know me.”

I was stunned to silence for a moment. Of course I knew her. We’d spent every waking hour together for a month. It had been the best month of my entire fucking life.

“You love me,” she insisted, taking another shot at the wall.

“For the love of everything evil,” I shouted as joined her, “yesssss, I love you. That’s why I left.”

“You’re an idiot,” she shouted as she belted the solid rock and tore all of the skin off the back of her hand. “Here’s the deal, jackass. You can come to Australia. However, you are going to court me. Got it?”

“What the hell does that even mean?” I asked, confused.

“It means that we are going to get to know each other—without sex,” she hissed as she took a few more lethal jabs at the wall. “Whether you want to hear it or not, we’re True Mates, asshole. However, we might not be compatible out of the bedroom. There’s a ninety-nine percent chance that we will not work and this experiment will end in homicide, however, I’m willing to take the risk.”

“True Mates?” I roared, feeling stupidly happier than I’d ever been, but showing my macho Demon side just in case she was screwing with me. I’d never heard of such a thing.

“Yes, douchebag,” she shrieked, drop-kicking the wall and knocking the enormous structure over. “We were meant for each other. You’re my True Mate. It’s a Vampyre thing that means you’re stuck with me, and I’m stuck with you. So, pull your head out of your butt and get with the program.”

I grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her to look at me. “Listen to me,” I said. “I will get you killed. I can’t live with that.”

“I spend every day of my life looking over my shoulder trying to stay alive,” she shot right back. “My own people want me dead. I might get you killed. That didn’t stop me from going after you. Wait.” She paused and ran her bloody hands through her hair. “My life might be too dangerous for you. Maybe I’m being shitty and selfish.”

“Absolutely not,” I assured her. “I’m completely used to living like that. I like it.”

“You sure?” she asked, doubtfully. “It kind of sucks.”

“I’m excellent at killing assholes.”

“Me too,” she said with a giggle that warmed me all over.

I grinned at her. Bottom line… I was not noble. I wanted her more than I wanted to breathe. “Why are your people trying to end you?”

“Because I’m a woman,” she growled in disgust. “Sexism is alive and well in the Vampyre world.”

“One sec,” I said, walking over to the pile of rubble, waving my hand and causing an explosion that would most likely be heard for miles.

Brushing the rock dust off my jeans, I turned and walked back to the Vampyre who made me feel like I had a purpose. “I don’t like that.”

“Like what?” she asked, glancing at the smoldering rock pile with an impressed look on her gorgeous face.

“That people aren’t nice to you.”

“Not nice is kind of an understatement,” she muttered as she bent down, picked up a small piece of the stone that had survived the explosion and put it in her pocket.

“What are you doing?” I asked, unable to figure her out.

She smiled. It made me feel a million feet tall.

“I’m keeping a souvenir,” she replied.

“From our violent bout with the wall?” I asked.

“Nope,” she said with a naughty grin. “From our first date.”

She turned and walked toward the palace. I laughed. I was in trouble and she was probably in even more. We were a time bomb together that was going to detonate.

I should leave right now. Entering Australia illegally would be nothing new to me. Most of my life had been lived on the wrong side of the law. There was no reason to change that now.

But there was a reason. I was watching the reason’s rear end as she sauntered away from me. And, while I liked watching her rear end, I didn’t like watching her walk away.

I should leave. It was wrong to stay. But instead of doing what I should do, I did exactly the opposite. I was a Demon. It was to be expected.

Picking up a rock and tucking it into the pocket of my jeans that held her panties, I put one foot in front of the other and followed after the woman who was my fated mate.

I just hoped that fate wasn’t fucking with us.

5

Anastasia

“Insane!” I squealed with delight as the Vampyres threw balls at each other with such force I was a bit concerned someone might lose a head.

After the very, very, very vague explanation of our new arrangement to an excited Astrid and a cautiously skeptical Ethan, Levi and I had showered and cleaned up—in separate bathrooms, on separate floors, in different wings of the palace. I wasn’t sure how long I could hold out on the no-nookie rule I’d made, but we had to get to know each other without orgasms involved. In my almost six hundred years of existence, I’d never had what could be defined as a proper relationship. I was going to have to read up on how to do it right—not that there were many, if any, articles written about Vampyre/Demon relationships…

We’d had an hour to talk and Levi had let me in a little. I was appalled that he felt the need to burn for his horrible father’s sins, but I didn’t judge. I’d admitted to sleeping in a coffin for a few decades to piss off my sister Raquel. When you lived a really long freaking time, you had to find your jollies somewhere. Burning until the end of time and catching a nap in a box were vastly different, though. I did suggest seasonal burning in the bowels of Hell so that we could actually be a somewhat functioning couple. He said he’d take the suggestion under consideration.

It was crazy exciting that we were learning to compromise. Normally, I would have electrocuted a romantic partner for not agreeing with me immediately—hence why I might not have had a mature or lasting relationship. I wasn’t going to need a how-to book. I’d simply play it by ear and do my best not to set him on fire.

“Vampyres are batshit crazy,” Levi said with a chuckle as we sat in the bleachers of the training center with Astrid and Ethan and watched the debacle unfold.

“You’re a fine one to talk,” Ethan said, glancing over at Levi with a raised brow. “I happen to find a little healthy competition keeps my people happy.”

“You call that healthy?” Levi inquired with an amused grin as he pointed out two Vamps on the far side of the complex trying to impale each other with mop handles.

Ethan shrugged. “Clearly our definitions of healthy are a bit different.”

“True,” Levi conceded. “In Hell they’d use red-hot iron spikes.”

“I just love it when everyone is having fun and getting along,” Astrid said completely seriously, kissing Ethan’s cheek. “Family is important.”

“Well, at least the balls aren’t spiked,” I pointed out, then winced as Paris Hilton took a dodgeball to the gut that would have made her hurl if she had the ability.

Since Vamps had no bodily functions, Paris just had to suck it up.

“Spikes are round two,” Astrid said with a groan.

“You North American Vamps sure know how to party. Are grenades round three?” I asked, joking.

“Round five,” Ethan informed me with a wink.

“Dude,” I said, shaking my head and laughing. “What the heck does the after-party look like?”

“Speaking of parties,” Astrid began, waggling her brows. “You guys are back together and going to kick some ass in Australia.”

I stared at her blankly. “How does that relate to a party?”

Astrid rolled her eyes. “Fine, it doesn’t. I was just trying to cleverly segue into the good stuff.”

“I’d leave out the word clever,” Levi told her.

She punched him in the head. “Seriously, you guys. Your earlier explanation of your status sucked ass. I wanna know what’s going on.”

I glanced over at Levi, who was staring at me. “We’ll let you know when we do,” I told my sister-in-law. “We’re a lethal combo in limbo at the moment.”

I had no plans to stay in limbo. If the Demon thought his world was too dangerous for me, he was about to learn otherwise. My Dominion wasn’t half as respectable or polite as Ethan and Astrid’s.

“Good God,” Ethan said, shaking his head and laughing. “Mike just lost his left leg. Damn shame.”

“And I’m guessing Sully is the culprit,” Astrid said.

“Why?” I asked, scanning the violent crowd of undead people on the court.

“To your left,” she said, pointing.

A one-legged Vamp was viciously pummeling another while they both laughed like loons. Blood was spurting and swear words were in abundance. God, I was going to miss this place. Friendly violence was so much better than deadly hostility.

Levi nodded and grinned. “Impressive.”

“Very,” I agreed.

“Excuse me, sire?” a Vamp from Ethan’s Royal Guard said, bowing to his Prince.

“Problem, Jim?” Ethan asked, turning his attention to the guard.

“Potentially,” Jim said, eyeing Levi. “Two Demons have arrived claiming Satan sent them for Leviathan.”

“To kill him?” Ethan ground out, furious.

“Umm… no,” Jim said, trying not to laugh. “They made it very clear that they have come in peace.”

“Is this true?” Ethan asked Levi tightly.

My brother was a bit on edge with the Demon population after the bloodbath from earlier.

“Yep,” Levi said, standing up. “The asshole said he was sending some backup for the mission in Australia.”

“I like to call him Uncle Fucker,” Astrid commented with her eyes still glued to the smackdown on the court.

Sully and Mike had graduated to skewering each other with swords. The game had all but stopped as the Vamps began to wager on who would lose all their limbs first.

“I’ll stick with asshole—or gaping gigantic asshole,” Levi told his sister. “Fits better. Can you take me to the Demon warriors, Jim?”

Ethan visibly relaxed. However, Jim laughed.

“What?” Levi demanded, squinting at the Vampyre guard.

“They’re supposed to be warriors?” he asked, biting down on his lip.

“Yes,” I chimed in. If the guard was anti-Demon, I was surprised that Astrid allowed him to work here. She was half Demon. “Satan is sending Demon experts who decipher riddles.”

“Or possibly jokes,” Jim muttered.

“You are seriously close to losing a body part,” I hissed as Levi put up his hand for me to back down.

“Not to worry. Jim’s not a foe. What do they look like?” Levi asked, pressing the bridge of his nose.

The guard grinned and gave Levi a friendly pat on the back. “A pirate and a Viking giant,” he replied.

“Fuck,” Levi muttered.

“Is that bad?” I asked, alarmed. We had enough trouble without adding more to the mix. “Shall I handle them?”

Levi paused for a moment, looking very serious. “No, but they can’t know that we’re in the process of attempting a relationship. Too dangerous.”

Astrid elbowed her brother. “That is not fucking romantic.”

“It’s fine,” I assured her. It was the closest he’d come to acknowledging our partnership with words. I’d take it. “So, who am I to you, then?”

“Just go with whatever I say,” Levi advised cryptically. “I need information from them. After I get it, they’re leaving. You in?”

Something in my gut said this was a very bad plan, but trust was part of an attempt at a relationship. “Yes,” I replied. “I’m in.”

* * *

I was an idiot to trust him. Right now, I wanted to shove his head up his ass and pull it out of his mouth. There was only so much a dead gal’s ego could stomach. Of all the ways he could have explained our relationship, this one was going to earn him an electrocution when the Demons left.

“Blimey! Yar mum is smokin’ hot,” Gene said, winking spastically at me.

“I’d have to agree,” Gunter said, bowing to me. “Is your mom single?”

“No, she is not single,” Levi snapped, shoving his hands into his pockets and almost ripping them off of his jeans. It would serve him right if my panties fell out and he had to explain why he was carrying his mom’s underwear.

I was pretty sure he was trying not to incinerate the duo. However, he was the dummy who told them I was his mother. He was going to pay.

“Actually, I’m very single at the moment,” I told the strangely dressed Demons, much to Levi’s abject horror.

Gene was wearing pantaloons, a puffy shirt, an eye patch, Crocs and a pirate hat. The man looked like he was going to a Halloween party. Pirate Gene was on the shorter side for a Demon. I was five foot ten. From where I stood, he looked to be several inches shorter. However, Gunter, who sported a Viking helmet, kilt and flip-flops, had to be at least eight feet tall. They were a strange pair.

“Shiver me timbers!” Gene said, bouncing on his toes and fussing with his ruffled shirt. “If that’s the case, I’d be as honored as a thievin’ scuttle hound to take ye to Applebee’s for a yo-ho-ho!”

“Nope,” Levi ground out between clenched teeth. “My mother is undead. She doesn’t eat, asshole.”

I grinned and patted Levi on the head like a puppy. “Actually, I do eat—not asshole, though. At my advanced age, I can throw back a burger every decade or so.”

“You can?” he asked, shocked.

“Ohhh, sonny boy,” I said with a laugh. “There are so many things you don’t know about your mommy.”

“Aye,” Gene said, flexing his muscles. “Leviathan, yar a bandana-wearin’ platoon splinter to not know yer mum’s needs. Ye need yar dungbie whooped, if ye ask me.”

“Nobody asked you,” Levi growled, causing Gene to take a few steps back. “My mum is off limits. You feel me, boys?”

Gunter saluted Levi. “Understood, captain.”

Levi sighed dramatically. Clearly, this wasn’t going as planned. Since the plan sucked so far that was not a big surprise.

“I’m not your captain,” he told the Demons. “I need information, then you’re leaving.”

Gunter and Gene exchanged wildly confused glances.

“Problem, boys?” I asked.

“Aye,” Gene said with a shudder of terror that made the massive amounts of lace on his shirt flutter. “Boss man made a black spot. Said we’d be dancin’ the hempen jig if we didn’t assist the greasy-haired rope burn in sendin’ the landlubber to Davy Jones’ locker. Said we’d be walkin’ the plank off the poop deck if we didn’t blow the Demon down.”

I stood in silence and tried to figure out what the heck the pirate had just said.

“I didn’t understand a fucking word of that,” Levi muttered.

Gunter raised his hand and waited politely.

Levi ignored him. I didn’t. The sooner the Demons were gone, the sooner I got to kick Levi’s ass for introducing me as his mother. “Yes, Gunter? You have something to add?”

Gunter lowered his hand and smiled at me like a besotted eight-foot-tall boy. “I do. I’d be delighted to interpret for Gene if that would make you happy, Leviathan’s Mom.”

“Please call me Anastasia,” I told the giant. “I’m not defined by Leviathan—never have been and never will be. He’s been a very naughty pain in my ass since the day we met.”

“Don’t ye mean since the thunderin’ bilge rat’s birthday?” Gene inquired.

“Of course,” I replied with a giggle. “Leviathan’s been a thunderin’ bilge rat since the day he was born.”

Levi rolled his eyes and groaned, clearly regretting his not-so-clever plan that was now biting him in the ass.

“Interpret, Gunter,” Levi demanded. “What the hell did the pirate just say?”

Gunter cleared his throat and removed his helmet. His red hair stood straight up on his head. “My comrade said that Satan threatened us. Which I will add is an understatement,” he said, paling a bit. “The Lord of Darkness told us he’d joyously end us if we didn’t help his favorite nephew obliterate Behemoth. Said we’d die a fiery death if we didn’t come through. But he also said if we did, he’d procure us a used pirate ship and a timeshare in Florida.”

“You’re his favorite nephew?” I asked Levi, surprised.

“He lies,” Levi said flatly.

“Yes,” Gunter said enthusiastically. “The Lord of the Underworld is the finest liar in the Universe.”

“Got it,” I said, still finding the statement odd. It didn’t quite add up.

“Back to the relevant issue. Not really seeing a problem here,” Levi said. “I just need you two to solve a few riddles and then you can go pick out your timeshare.”

Again, the men exchanged nervous glances.

“Do ye have bunk beds?” Gene asked.

Levi’s chin dropped to his chest. It was all I could do not to laugh. While, I was very aware that we had some serious deadly Demon business to attend to, this was an absurdly funny way to start.

“No,” he said, flatly. “I do not have any bunk beds. However, I do have the ability and desire to render both of you dumbasses limbless if you don’t tell me what I want to know.”

“May I?” Gunter inquired.

Gunter had very good manners for a Demon.

“Be my guest,” Levi ground out with his patience fraying.

“What my buddy was trying to say was that in order to solve a riddle, we need to sleep on it. Literally. You will need to write the riddle on a parchment scroll. We will then cuddle up together and nap on top of it.”

I chimed in. I couldn’t help myself. “Umm… if you cuddle up together, why do you need bunk beds?” I asked, fascinated by the bizarre method.

“Good question,” Gunter said, nodding. “I have no clue. It’s the way we’ve always done it.”

“Aye,” Gene agreed. “If yar pig-perfumed milkmaid ain’t broke, no need to fix the shite.”

“Are you people serious?” Levi yelled as his eyes blazed red and he began to glow.

Both men trembled in fear.

“Son, don’t be mean,” I admonished him with a wiggle of my fingers followed by what I would call a minor electrocution. “The boys want to help. We shall find some bunk beds and let them nap on the clues.”

Slapping out the fire burning a hole in his jeans, Levi eyed the two Demons with distrust. “How long?”

“Nine and three-quarters inches, mate,” Gene answered with pride.

I slapped my hand over my mouth to cover my scream of laughter. Levi punched the pirate in the head, sending him flying.

Turning to Gunter, Levi narrowed his eyes menacingly. “How long will you need to nap with the clues?”

“Umm… depends on how many riddles you need us to solve,” he replied in a whisper.

“Four,” Levi answered.

“About three to ten days,” Gene announced, getting back on his feet. “If we rush it like a weevil-eatin’, rum-swiggin’ sea serpent, we might get the answer wrong. And then yar screwed.”

Levi ran his hands through his hair and began to pace. “Unacceptable.”

I’d heard word from my generals that the situation was getting worse in my Dominion. I now knew why. I hadn’t shared the news of Behemoth with my guards since I wasn’t sure who I could trust. Unfortunately, time was of the essence.

“I can have bunk beds set up in my palace,” I said, getting down to business. “What else will you men need?”

“Rum,” Gene said.

“A yoga mat,” Gunter added.

“Some yarn and knittin’ needles would be me choice for relaxation,” Gene told me. “I’d be real honored to knit ye some knickers.”

“You are not knitting my mother knickers,” Levi snapped.

“Interesting,” I said, trying not to laugh.

“Oh!” Gunter said bashfully. “I enjoy making friendship bracelets. If I could be supplied with materials, I would love to make you one.”

“I wouldn’t mind if ye could scrounge up some cackle fruit,” Gene said.

“You idiots are going to lose your Demon cards,” Levi snapped. “For the love of everything evil. Yoga? Knitting? Friendship bracelets? And what the hell is cackle fruit?”

“Eggs,” Gunter supplied.

“Can do,” I said, giving Levi a stern warning look. If the strange Demons could help us, we would play ball. It was the least I could do to supply eggs, rum, yarn, yoga mats and a bunk bed.

“So, when are we leaving?” Gunter asked.

Levi closed his eyes and took three enormous cleansing breaths. I found it very mature of him. “Tonight. We shall leave tonight.”

“Do ye happen to have a head I can use?” Gene asked. “I could take a piss in the yard, but might be kind of rude to bust me grumpie in the bushes.”

Leviathan looked like he was about to implode. Because of him, we were now stuck as mother and son for the foreseeable future. One thing was for certain, life with Levi—if we lived through the next three to ten days—was never going to be boring.

“Follow me,” I told Gene and Gunter. “Dropping off the kids at the lake in the flowers won’t end well for you. Even though Vamps don’t use the bathroom, I’m sure we can find a toilet somewhere in the palace.”

As I walked away, a heard a loud sizzle, an explosion and a fiery hiss. My son had just blown up a car in the circular driveway. Well, better a car than a pirate or a giant.

“Come along, son,” I called out, not looking back. “We have to get your blankie packed for the trip.”

“I have a blankie too!” Gunter told me.

“Aye, me blankie is me finest possession,” Gene added. “What color blankie does the tar-faced cod stain have?”

“Pink,” I said as a grin pulled at my lips. “With kitties on it.”

Three more cars exploded before I made it back into the palace. My grin was wide now.

Let the mother-son adventures begin.

6

Levi

“It is an honor, O Chosen One!” Gunter squealed like a teenaged girl at a concert upon seeing Astrid in the foyer of the Cressida House. He yanked a starstruck Gene to the floor with him as he got down on his knees to show respect to my sister.

Apparently, my sister was a rock star in Hell.

“Aye,” Gene grunted with his face planted on the marble tile. “Ye are a magnificent sight for an old scallywag to behold. I would be humbled if ye would let me knit ye a brassiere for ye wondrous melons.”

Ethan’s eyes narrowed to slits. I didn’t blame him. The dimwitted pirate had almost bitten the dust for offering to knit my mom some knickers.

My latest dilemma was entirely my own damned fault. I’d kind of thought it was funny to tell the imbeciles that Anastasia was my mother.

I was wrong. Demons should never tell jokes. It didn’t end well.

“You will not look at my mate’s melons. You will not think about my mate’s melons. You will not come within ten feet of my mate’s melons,” Ethan ground out in a tone that meant business—deadly business. “Am I clear?”

“Aye,” Gene whispered, still on his knees. “Me apologies.”

“Apology accepted,” Astrid said with a laugh. “And who might you be?”

Anastasia motioned for the dolts to stand up. “This is Gene,” she said, adjusting his pirate hat. “And this big boy is Gunter. They’re here to help us decipher the riddles so we can slay the beast.”

“Aye. Didn’t mean to offend ye,” Gene said as Gunter simply stared wide-eyed and open-mouthed at Paris Hilton, who’d joined the group. The small Vampyre was covered in blood from head to toe. The dodgeball game had clearly gotten more violent after we’d left.

“It takes a lot more than a comment about my knockers to offend me,” Astrid assured the idiot. “So, you know my brother Levi?”

Gene and Gunter exchanged a confused glance.

“The green-gilled tar stain is ye brother?”

Astrid nodded. “Yep.”

“That means Anastasia is your mom too?” Gunter questioned, trying to put it all together.

Astrid’s mouth formed a perfect O and Ethan’s eyes grew wide as he coughed to disguise his laugh.

“Correct,” Anastasia jumped in, giving me a glare of death. “I am the mother of Astrid and Leviathan. I like Astrid far better than Levi. I know it’s not proper to favor a child, but I’m quite sure you can understand why.”

“Aye,” Gene said. “Leviathan does not sport the lovely gazongas like his sister.”

Ethan hissed. “You definitely need these Demons?” he asked me, eyeing Gene with fury.

“Unfortunately, yes,” I replied, snapping my fingers and sealing Gene’s mouth shut with duct tape. If anyone was going to behead Gene, it was going to be me. “We’ll be leaving tonight.”

“Very well, then,” Ethan said, giving Gene one more warning glare. “I have to make sure my people don’t bleed out after the dodgeball game. Paris, would you be so kind as to show the Demons to a suite for the afternoon?”

Paris eyed Gunter like he was good enough to eat. Was everyone insane?

“I would be delighted to,” she announced, walking over to Gunter and slapping him on the ass.

The giant Demon squealed yet again and blew a kiss to the tiny Vamp.

Grabbing Gunter by the hand and yanking him down the hall, with Gene following close behind, Paris laughed with glee.

“My comrade Gene needs to bust a grumpie,” a lovestruck Gunter told the besotted Paris Hilton. “Can that be arranged?”

“It most certainly can, Hot Stuff.”

The answer was yes. Everyone was insane.

“Sooooooo, Mom,” Astrid said to Anastasia with a wide grin.

“Don’t start,” I snapped. “I fucked up.”

“And now we’re stuck,” Anastasia added.

I thought there might be the slightest semblance of a smile pulling at Anastasia’s lips, but I couldn’t be sure. It was more likely a grimace.

“Not following,” Astrid said.

“Numbnuts decided to tell the Demons I was his mother,” Anastasia said.

While I didn’t love the term numbnuts, keeping my trap shut was probably prudent at the moment. My gal was very liberal in her use of electrocution.

“That was clever,” Astrid said sarcastically.

“I didn’t know we’d get stuck with the idiots,” I insisted, trying to defend myself. “I’m trying to protect Anastasia from my enemies. The less others know, the safer she is.”

“Clearly,” Anastasia said with an eye roll. “Your choice of cover is sorely lacking. However, the new arrangement will definitely help with our vow not to bang while we date.”

I was tempted to electrocute myself. My horrifying attempt at humor was going to cause a case of blue balls like I’d never known. Never again would I try to be funny.

“TMI,” Astrid said with a grin. “However, if Gunter is leaving, my guess is that Paris Hilton is following. Which will also aid in lack of privacy, hence lack of banging.”

“I caught that,” Anastasia said with a nod.

“Caught what?” I asked. While I liked Paris Hilton just fine in the time I’d gotten to know her, she was an incredible liability. The Vamp had floor-rolling meltdowns daily from what I’d witnessed. It was bad enough that I had to drag along Gunter, Gene and a damned bunk bed.

“Paris recognized Gunter,” Astrid clarified.

“She knows him?” I was incredibly confused.

“Nope, but she’s gonna,” Anastasia announced.

“Is this cryptic Vampyre bullshit?” I asked, thinking that I definitely should have gone in rogue. Trying to take out Behemoth with an entourage was going to be a problem.

“Jackass,” Anastasia muttered, wiggling her fingers and setting my favorite pair of combat boots ablaze.

Astrid laughed. I did not. With a wave of my hand, I saved my boots. “Explain yourselves.”

“Gunter is very obviously Paris Hilton’s True Mate,” Astrid said. “If you need Gunter, you’re stuck with Paris. However, I will add that she’s very deadly.”

I winced. “Not buying it,” I said. “She was a bloody mess after the dodgeball game—a complete liability if we take her.”

“Was she sporting all of her limbs?” Astrid inquired with a smirk.

“She was,” Anastasia said.

“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked, secretly planning to take off solo. Everyone was nuts. We were not going on a fucking vacation. Behemoth was one of the deadliest beings alive.

“No one else had any limbs left on their bodies after the game,” Astrid announced as Anastasia’s mouth fell open in surprise. “Some ass monkey had the nards to call Paris ‘girly’ and she lost her shit. Sooooo, I’m telling you now, Paris Hilton is not a liability. I rest my case.”

“Be that as it may, she is not coming,” I said. The girls exchanged a covert glance. “She’s not,” I insisted. “It’s bad enough that I have to make sure Anastasia, the pirate and the giant don’t die. I don’t have time to watch over anyone else.”

Anastasia’s eyes narrowed menacingly. Astrid cackled and backed away quickly.

“What did you just say?” Anastasia ground out.

“Umm… something really shitty?” I asked, not sure which part of what I’d just spit out was bad.

“Yep.”

Anastasia not only electrocuted me, she set me ablaze. It was a damn good thing I was a Demon and loved fire.

“Would you like to tell me what I said that caused you to fry me?” I asked, clapping my hands and dousing myself in so much water the grand foyer now resembled a wading pool.

“I do not need you or anyone else to protect me,” she snapped.

“For the love of everything dastardly,” I shouted as I ducked a bolt of lightning she shot my way. “I’m trying to be a fucking gentleman. I don’t want anything or anyone to harm you.”

Really?” she asked, confused. “You’re not being a sexist dick implying that because I’m a woman, I’m unable to defend myself?”

“Well, umm…” I stuttered, realizing that maybe I was a sexist dick, or at least kind of a sexist dick.

“Apologize now,” Astrid suggested, grinning from ear to ear. “And Anastasia, you’re going to have to cut the dumbass a break here and there. He’s not really socially acceptable. He is a Demon.”

I had no clue if Astrid’s advice was any good, but I was doing pretty damned bad on my own. “I’m sorry,” I said quickly.

“Are you going to continue to be a sexist dick?” Anastasia asked.

“Probably,” I admitted warily.

“Point to Lord Wrangler Toughskins for telling the truth,” Astrid chimed in.

Anastasia eyed me for a long moment, then made a pathetic attempt not to smile. She failed. “Will you at least try not to be a sexist jackhole?”

I raised a brow and sucked my bottom lip into my mouth. “I will try as long as you try not to electrocute me every time I screw up. Deal?”

“Deal,” she replied.

“You guys are just too cute,” Astrid squealed. “Squishy and lovey and adorable and…”

I couldn’t help myself. Apparently neither could Anastasia. The expression on Astrid’s face when we both electrocuted her at the same time was priceless.

My sister returned the attack with unmitigated glee. The fucking mess that the three of us made trying to set each other ablaze was massive. I felt pretty bad when a blast of magic I shot dislodged the massive chandelier from the ceiling. It landed on my sister, but she thought it was hilarious. Of course, she made sure that all six heavy iron benches flanking the Grand Ballroom doors flattened my ass. But all was fair in love and war—granted, we were just having fun at the moment, albeit rather destructive fun.

I loved my sister.

I loved Anastasia.

I just hoped my love didn’t prove to be fatal.

* * *

“I won’t leave my Cookie Pop Smooshy Boop behind,” Gunter insisted in his outdoor voice, holding Paris Hilton’s hand. “My Pudding Honey Muffin is my reason for living.”

“Are you serious? You met a half hour ago,” I said, squinting at the idiot in disbelief.

The tiny Vamp was less than half the Demon’s size. The nicknames were so cringy I almost hurled. It was clear that Gunter wasn’t screwing around. His eyes had turned red and I would swear the dumbass had grown an inch or two taller.

I took a deep breath and did my best to ignore a smirking Astrid and Anastasia. It had taken an hour and a hell of a lot of magic to clean up the shitshow we’d created in the foyer. We were now standing in the suite Anastasia and I had shared, finalizing the plans. I didn’t work as a team. I never had and wasn’t about to start today. It was bad enough that I needed Gene and Gunter. Hearing the term Pudding Honey Muffin was going to ensure I killed all of them before Behemoth would even get a chance.

“My Boo Bear Honey Snuggles speaks the truth,” Paris Hilton explained as her fangs dropped and she eyed me with a challenging glint in her gaze. “I have trust issues, so if he leaves, I have to kill him. That would suck all kinds of butt since I love him. Since you need my Hunka Hunka Burning Love’s riddle expertise, and I’ll torture him and chop his head off if he leaves me, I think it’s a proactive move to let me come along.”

Gunter grinned from ear to ear like he’d won the lottery. Gene looked a bit miffed by the violently lovey-dovey turn of events, but he patted his buddy on the back in congratulations.

“My Shmoopie Noodle is correct,” Gunter announced with pride. “When I went searching for Gene to make sure his grumpie issue had been solved satisfactorily and to take a wizz myself, my Monkey Chicklets attempted decapitation.”

“Aye, she did,” Gene confirmed with a chuckle. “Me arse’s head was only attached by a single tendon when the pretty little buccaneer realized he wasn’t hornswagglin’ her or tryin’ to give her the heave ho!”

“I’m sorry. What?” I asked, wondering how Gunter’s head had reattached so quickly. “A tendon? Your fucking head was attached by a tendon?”

Paris Hilton blushed with pleasure and Gunter kept on grinning. What the hell was wrong with these people?

“Aye,” Gene said. “Never seen anything like it in all me days. The she-devil whacked me arse’s head almost clear off his salt-crusted scallywag body, then rolled around on the floor in a screamin’ fit that rivaled a peg-legged salty nard splinter. And I’ll be darned if me arse’s head didn’t grow right back.”

The entire room went silent. I didn’t have time for this crap.

“What the hell did he just say?” I shouted.

“He said I healed my Poopie Dumplin’ by casting a spell during a tantrum that would make a two-year-old human jacked up on a vat of sugar proud,” Paris explained. “I have unrivaled powers to heal.”

“You do?” Astrid asked, surprised.

“I do,” Paris confirmed.

Astrid was impressed. “While that’s outstanding news for Gunter’s almost-whacked-off head, it’s socially unacceptable to decapitate people when they go to the bathroom, Paris.”

Paris Hilton’s chin dropped to her chest, then her body dropped to the floor.

“Oh shit,” Astrid muttered, motioning for everyone to take cover.

“Holy crap,” Anastasia said, hopping up on a table to avoid getting mowed down by the deranged whirling dervish.

The tiny Vamp was a nightmare and short a tremendous amount of brain cells. Paris Hilton rolled like a well-oiled and very destructive and lethal bowling ball around the suite, destroying everything she came into contact with.

“Enough,” I bellowed as my eyes turned red and my body began to glow and spark.

Everyone froze—including the rolling nutjob.

“This shit isn’t working for me,” I growled. “Get up and take a look around, young lady.”

Paris slowly got to her feet and paled as she witnessed the havoc she’d wreaked.

“This is a hot shitshow,” I said. “While I normally enjoy violence, this is giving me a fucking migraine.”

“I’m sorry,” she said in a small voice.

“I shall clean up the mess that my Baby Cakes Lovey Yummers made,” Gunter announced, pulling a massive wad of cash out from under his kilt and handing it to me. “This should pay for all of the items broken beyond repair.” He then proceeded to try and straighten up.

“Not so fast,” I snapped, eyeing a remorseful Paris Hilton and dropping the cash onto the coffee table. The Demon wore a kilt. I would assume that he was hanging free underneath it. I was not fond of money covered in ball sweat. “This behavior is unacceptable. No soldier of mine will behave like that. Am I clear?”

“Yes, O Great Evil Leader,” Paris whispered.

I kind of liked the sound of that…

“I will rip every appendage off your body if I ever see any bullshit like that again.”

Paris nodded. “Sounds fair.”

“He’s very good at appendage removal,” Gunter assured his love. “Last time he tore my legs and arms off I didn’t feel a thing.”

“Aye,” Gene chimed in while helping with the cleanup. “The stripey-sweatered, greasy-haired rope burn is as gentle as a frigate hoppin’ shite. Ye got nothin’ to fear if he rips yer parts off.”

“My son will not rip your parts off,” Anastasia assured the group.

Paris Hilton looked a bit confused about my relationship with Anastasia, but she was so taken with her Poopie Dumplin’ it went right over her head.

We all watched as the two bizarre Demons and the even stranger little Vampyre tried in vain to repair the damage.

“She’ll be an asset,” Astrid whispered to me.

“How?” I asked. “By decapitating Gunter?”

Astrid giggled. “Nope. She won’t remove her True Mate’s head.”

“Okay,” I said, raising my brow and sighing. “How will Paris Hilton be an asset?”

“Not exactly sure,” Astrid admitted. “However, if she can heal a head connected by a freakin’ tendon, she can pretty much heal anything. Behemoth is not a walk in the park from what I understand. My socially unacceptable, certifiably insane little buddy might come in handy, brother of mine.”

I silently watched the trio of idiocy trip over each other while doing a crappy job of cleaning up. Anastasia was laughing. The sound calmed me. In spite of the fact that I was tempted to dismember my rag tag army of dolts, I smiled. I realized if Anastasia was happy, I was happy too.

I was in deep shit.

“Excuse me, can I ask a question?” Paris inquired, staring straight at me.

“Nope,” I barked.

“Yes,” Anastasia contradicted me with a raised brow.

“What are the riddles Satan told you?” Paris asked, deciding to go with Anastasia’s answer rather than mine.

I sighed dramatically. However, maybe if I laid them out, someone could solve them and I wouldn’t have to bring the band of idiots with me to Australia. It was worth a try. “First clue—it has no feet, no hands, no wings, but can climb high into the sky. Look for this. It will lead you to where you will find what you seek.”

Unfortunately, Gene and Gunter looked stymied. No real big shocker there.

Paris giggled. “Easy one.”

Everyone stared at the tiny Vampyre in surprise.

“Blimey! Ye know the answer, little she-devil?” Gene asked, scratching his head as Gunter swelled with pride.

“Yep,” Paris said with a grin. “Want me to tell you?”

I rolled my eyes and shoved my hands into my pockets so I didn’t remove one of her limbs. “Yes,” I bellowed, only to get electrocuted by Anastasia. “Shit, I meant yes… umm… please.”

My good manners got a smile from the woman I would happily die for. While the rules were wildly unclear, it seemed that being pleasant to dumbasses was a good thing to do.

Paris curtsied and cleared her throat. “Smoke. The answer is smoke. Smoke has no feet, no hands, no wings, but can climb high into the sky. You will find with you seek near smoke.”

Paris Hilton might not be a dumbass. “Well, I’ll be damned,” I muttered.

“You already are,” Astrid pointed out with a snarky grin. “And I rest my case. Paris will definitely be an asset.”

I despised being wrong, but not today. Keeping Anastasia safe was my priority. My ego was irrelevant.

“There are three more,” I said, eyeing Paris in challenge.

“Bring it,” Paris shot back, rubbing her small hands together.

“You will find the talisman buried in a bank that has no money, where no bank—in the normal sense of the word—should exist.”

Paris’ face fell and she shook her head. “Not a clue.”

Crap.

“How about this one? What you seek has no flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet strangely, it has fingers and thumbs of its own. Whomever finds it first shall win.”

“Nope,” Paris said, her brow wrinkled in concentration. “I don’t know.”

Shit. So much for a solo trip Down Under.

“And the last,” I announced. “You will find your power in something that is in everyone… sometimes on everyone. If it surrounds certain beings it can kill.”

The small destructive Vampyre began to tremble. Everyone took a few steps back.

“I’d like to throw a tantrum since I don’t know the answer,” Paris grunted, mid-squat. “Cool?”

“Not cool,” I said in a tone that made her think twice.

“A tiny one?” she bargained, getting even lower.

“What exactly does a tiny tantrum look like?” Anastasia asked quickly before I removed Paris’ legs.

Paris shrugged. “I’ve never thrown a tiny tantrum, so I’m not real sure.”

“Are you fond of your appendages?” I inquired flatly.

“I am.”

“Then no tantrums,” I informed her.

“I am willing and proud to take any punishment that my Scoopy Sprinkle Cupcake Pie earns,” Gunter announced. “My appendages are my Snickerdoodle Woodle Snooker’s appendages.”

Paris squealed with delight and launched herself at the huge Demon. “My hero!”

“While the offer is appreciated, the answer is no. Here are the rules under my command,” I snapped. “I’m the boss. What I say goes or you lose a body part. This is not a game we’re about to play. I don’t ever want to hear the words Cookie Pop Smooshy Boop, Boo Bear Honey Snuggles, Hunka Hunka Burning Love, Snickerdoodle Woodle Snooker, Scoopy Sprinkle Cupcake Pie, Shmoopie Noodle, Poopie Dumplin’ or Baby Cakes Lovey Yummers ever again or I’ll kill you.”

“Ye forgot Monkey Chicklets,” Gene pointed out.

“And Monkey Chicklets,” I amended. “Thank you, Gene.”

“Me pleasure, shite dungbie,” he replied with a jaunty nod that made his pirate hat fall off of his head.

I sighed and let my chin fall to my chest. This was a disaster waiting to happen. However, I’d never been successful in ending Behemoth on my own. Maybe an army of imbeciles and the love of my life was the golden ticket. Not to mention, Paris Hilton had solved one of the riddles.

“Should I bring formalwear?” Paris inquired.

“Umm… nope,” Anastasia said with a shake of her head. “It’s more of a pants-and-combat-boot mission.”

“Ohhhhh! Fun,” Paris Hilton squealed. “Wittle Nookie Nuks-Nuks, will you help me pack a bag?”

“It would be my honor, Sugar Lips,” Gunter replied with a gallant bow.

Dammit, I’d missed those endearments.

“Would ye mind if I came along and helped ye as well?” Gene asked, looking a little lost. “I’ve got a talent for fashion. I pick out all of me arse’s kilts.”

“He does,” Gunter said. “Gene is quite the style maven.”

“That would be wonderful, Gene!” Paris sang as she grabbed the hands of both Demons and dragged them out of the wrecked suite.

“We’re all going to die,” I muttered.

“Nope, we’re not,” Anastasia informed me with a sly smile. “I think I have an idea to de-stress you a little bit.”

“You do?” I asked hopefully.

She gave me a smile and winked. “I do.”

Today was finally looking up.

7

Anastasia

“This isn’t exactly what I was hoping for, Vampyre,” Levi said with a loud and overly dramatic sigh, running on the treadmill next to me.

I laughed and raised a brow. “What were you hoping for, Demon?” I asked, turning up the speed on my machine. Running at sixty miles an hour was a little slow for my taste, but it was as fast as the treadmill could handle. Astrid and Ethan had tinkered with all of the exercise equipment so it was appropriate for Vamps. It was brilliant. I was going to upgrade the gym in my palace when I got home.

Levi grinned and my stomach flipped. The man was absurdly beautiful and made me ridiculously happy. We had a long way to go before I’d say we were an actual functioning couple, but the journey so far had been an eye-opening and wildly fun ride.

“Oh, I don’t know,” he said with a shrug as he increased his speed to match mine. “Possibly a little boot knocking or the no pants dance.”

“The no pants dance?” I choked out on a laugh that almost made me trip and fly off the treadmill. “Did you seriously just say that?”

The Demon’s grin grew wider. “Yes, I most certainly did. And I have more where that came from.”

“Go for it,” I challenged. The amount of time I laughed with the man far outweighed the amount of time I spent electrocuting him. It was glorious.

“If you insist,” he said with a smile that set my girlie parts into overdrive. “I’m partial to dancing in the sheets, bone storming and releasing the Kraken.”

I fell of the treadmill with a scream of laughter and landed with a thud on the floor of the workout area. “You forgot parking the Plymouth in the garage of love and belly bumping,” I informed him, grinning like an idiot.

“My bad.” Levi hopped off the treadmill. “To make up for the omission, I will add bedroom rodeo and bow-chick-a-wow-wow.”

“You’re nuts,” I said, taking the hand he’d extended to help me up.

“Your point?”

“No point,” I replied. “Simply an observation.”

We stared at each other. The sexual tension was visceral. It felt as if we were memorizing each other’s faces and souls. My stomach tingled and the smile that pulled at my lips was so wide it hurt my face. My emotions were chaotic, alarming and wonderful. I’d never felt this way in my very long life.

“I want to kiss you,” he whispered.

“I want to be kissed,” I replied.

Levi’s sinful lips curled into a sexy smile and he gently pulled me toward him. “Your wish will always be my command, Anastasia.”

My body clenched in anticipation as his lips on my neck started a fire within me that only the Demon could light. I’d expected his kisses to be greedy. I couldn’t have been more wrong. His lips slowly moved from my neck to my mouth. His tongue traced my lips and coaxed them happily open. As our tongues lazily tangled, my body felt like a live wire of sensation.

The kiss deepened.

I forgot my own name.

I wasn’t sure where I started or where he ended. We melded together like we’d been created for each other.

Actually, we were… However, we needed to date first.

“Treadmill,” I said against his lips, trying to think straight. What I wanted to do was throw the Demon on the floor and ride him like a cowgirl. Bad plan.

“I really think the horizontal mambo would take the edge off the stress far better than running on a machine,” Levi said innocently as his lips moved back to my neck and his hands moved to my ass.

There was nothing innocent about the Demon. It was one of the things I adored about the man.

“It’s not proper to roll in the hay with your mother,” I reminded him, arching back to give him better access.

Levi groaned against my neck. “I’m never going to live that down.”

“Nope. You’ll be paying for that one for a few centuries,” I replied, gently pulling away and walking towards the exit of the exercise room.

“Where are you going?”

My Demon was correct about needing to de-stress. While I was very aware that he was wise to hide our relationship, calling me his mother was a horrifying choice of cover. Since there was no way in hell we could belly bump with our bizarre little army around, we should probably get a little out of our system before our mother-son enforced celibacy.

Screw dating. Literally. I was about to implode and that would not be a good thing in battle.

Making sure my hips were swaying seductively as I walked away, I answered the dummy. “I was thinking about rubbing the fun bits. You know… a round of bed boogie. You in?”

“Yes,” he shouted, chasing me out of the gym. “Making the beast with two backs would definitely de-stress me.”

“How about we call it afternoon delight?” I suggested, racing him to our suite.

“I don’t care what we call it. As long as we do it.”

I laughed and zipped ahead of him. I was a very fast Vampyre. And I was definitely ready to release the Kraken.

* * *

After three energetic hours of bow-chick-a-wow-wow, I felt like a new woman. I could have gone for three more, but we had places to be and bad guys to kill. Being newly de-stressed, Levi and I had made some important strategic decisions. We’d agreed to be equal partners in the mission. I was shocked that I didn’t have to fight for myself. I was so used to having to engage in deadly smackdowns to hang on to my authority, Levi’s immediate agreement was astonishing.

“Anastasia is the expert on the territory, the layout of the land and her people. She is also violent, deadly and prone to electrocution when least expected—attributes I find outstanding. We will defer to her in all matters pertaining to this,” Levi explained to the strange little army gathered in our suite.

“And Levi is in charge of going after Behemoth,” I added. “We will be working together. I’d be hard-pressed to find a partner as psychotic as myself, but luckily, Leviathan is an incredible warrior with a death wish that rivals mine. And while we’re open to suggestions, this is not a democracy. What Levi says goes.”

“And the same for Anastasia,” Levi announced.

“Can I add something?” Paris asked.

“Do you have to?” Levi asked.

I gave him a glare. Paris might be a wild card, but she’d solved one of the riddles. If the destructive little Vamp wanted to talk, she was going to talk.

“Fine,” he huffed. “Yes, Paris, you can add something. But if you throw a fit, I will incinerate you.”

Paris grinned and gave him a thumbs up. “I would just like to point out that Gene and Gunter appear to be psychotic bordering on completely insane,” she volunteered, mooning at Gunter. “I’m very violent and tend to be unhinged. I think we make an outstandingly unstable and deranged group. I would like to wager twenty-five dollars that at least four and a half of us will make it out alive.”

Levi caught my eye and mouthed, “We’re all going to die.”

I was beginning to agree.

Gene’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “Avast ye, but it seems a bit of a son of a sea biscuit to call yar mum by her given name.”

“I’d have to agree,” Gunter added. “Your mother should be shown more respect, Leviathan.”

Levi bit down on his kissable lips and swore under his breath. I grinned and waited to see how he was going to weasel his way out of this one.

“Well,” he began, desperately searching for a lie that would work. “Anastasia isn’t my… umm… mother in the normal sense of the word.”

“You’re adopted?” Paris Hilton inquired.

Levi jumped on it. I rolled my eyes. Astrid had been right in so many ways about Paris Hilton being an asset.

“Yes,” he said, nodding enthusiastically. “I am adopted.”

Gene scratched his head. “Aye. Makes sense. I was a-wonderin’ how a Vampyre was the mum to a shite-stinkin’ Demon.”

Levi gritted his teeth and refrained from dismembering one of his soldiers for implying he smelled like poop. It was impressive. I wasn’t sure I would have held back. However, we needed Gene and Gunter’s riddle expertise, so body part removal would have to wait.

“Now you know,” he said tightly.

Thankfully, our ragtag group seemed satisfied with the lie based on a lie. So far, so good… or not. I glanced around and winced when I spotted the massive pile of suitcases. I considered the pros and cons of another Paris Hilton tantrum, but it was time to see if she could play with the big boys and girls. Worrying about the behavior of a soldier could be a deadly liability.

Pointing at the suitcases, I shook my head. “No can do.”

Gunter’s and Gene’s eyes grew wide in shock and, possibly, a little fear. Paris’ nose wrinkled as she worked out how to handle the new information. Levi just raised a brow.

“We’ll be traveling fast. We have to stay light and under the radar,” I said, not about to brook any crap from the tiny Vamp. “We can use magic sparingly to conjure up clothes if necessary. The plan is to make my palace the headquarters, but we’ll need to figure out if that’s prudent when we arrive.”

“So… you’re saying I can take five of my ten suitcases?” Paris asked carefully.

“Nope,” I told her, ready to electrocute her if necessary. “You can take none of your ten suitcases.”

“Three?” she tried again.

“None,” I repeated.

“One?” she squeaked as her fangs dropped and her eyes began to glow.

“None,” I said firmly. “And if you have a tantrum, I’ll fry your ass.”

Paris paused and silently went over the options. Gunter chuckled nervously and Gene raised his hand.

“Yes, Gene?” I asked.

“Well, I’ve spent the last thirty-one seconds rackin’ me brain. And shiver me timbers! I’ve come up with a scurvy plan.”

“Shit,” Levi muttered, closing his eyes.

Ignoring Levi, while secretly agreeing with his sentiment, I nodded at Gene and waited.

“Seein’ as how I’m a seadog of style, I’m a-thinkin’ I can provide a few monkey jackets for the wee blood sucker. Upon occasion, I’ve been known to use me cutlass as a sewin’ needle. Me frocks look like shite-quality Prada knockoffs from what I’ve been told. As an old salt, I’d be willin’ to take one for the scallywags and knit some grundies. I’d be mighty honored hornswaggle whatever booty ye might be needin’ in yar duffles.”

“Not following,” I said, squinting at the pirate.

“My buddy said that since he’s clearly a fashion icon, he would be thrilled to steal or sew whatever we might need on the trip. He will also knit underpants,” Gunter explained.

Paris’ fangs retracted and her lips curved up into a big smile. “Works for me.”

“We’re all going to die,” Levi muttered, running his hands through his hair.

“I beg to differ,” Paris Hilton contradicted him. “First off, Anastasia and I are already dead. You are very difficult to kill and I will beat down anyone who threatens my Schmoodle Noodle and my best friend, Gene.”

Gene blushed and swiped a tear from his eye. “Ye think of me as yar bestie?”

Paris patted the pirate Demon on the head. “Anyone who would hornswaggle shite Prada for me is my best friend. Plus, you’re a cutie.”

“Who’s Prada?” Gunter asked jealously, putting his fist through the wall. “A former beau?”

“Nay! Ye weevil-eatin’ sea serpent,” Gene assured him, kicking him in the ass and sending the enormous Demon flying into the coffee table. “Prada be the name of fancy duds that give ye wedgies!”

Since Gene had attacked her Schmoodle Noodle, Paris felt the need to scissor kick the pirate and break his nose. The fight was vicious and escalated quickly. All three of them were laughing like fools.

“Like I said,” Levi repeated. “We’re all going to die.”

“Are we ready?” I ground out, separating the dummies before they started removing each other’s limbs for the hell of it.

“Aye, captain,” Gene said, wiping the blood from his face with his puffy shirt.

“Yes!” Gunter announced, swinging a bleeding and giggling Paris Hilton up onto his shoulders. “Do we have the three remaining riddles written on parchment paper?”

Levi took a deep breath and held his shit together. “Yes, we do.”

“A bunk bed?” Gene inquired.

“I’ll get one once we arrive in the Australian Dominion,” I told him.

“Is there a game plan?” Paris asked.

“Nope,” Levi said. “We will wing it until we win it. And we will win it.”

I grinned. Our bloodstained army of three cheered. We were as ready as we were ever going to be.

Almost.

“Here’s the deal,” I said. “The Vampyres in my Dominion are more the loner type. I’m not real popular—haven’t been for quite a while. While Behemoth has put a bounty on Leviathan’s head, I’m beginning to wonder if he might have put one on mine as well.”

“Do ye think it’s because yar related?” Gene asked.

“Umm… no.” I shot Levi a glance. He winced. The truth was a whole lot easier to remember than lies. However, we were already buried in this particular lie up to our necks. “The Demon is trying to undermine me with the Vamps in my Dominion. So far, it seems to be working.”

“Not for much longer,” Paris growled.

I appreciated the commitment even though Paris was missing a few screws. “Just know that where we’re about to go is beautiful beyond your wildest imagination… and equally as dangerous.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Levi said as his eyes began to glow an eerie red and his obscene power bounced around the suite.

It was all kinds of hot.

“I look forward to solving the riddles, slaying the beast then retiring to a timeshare in Florida with my Snicker Doodle Smushy Moomoo and my best comrade, Gene,” Gunter announced, arming himself to the teeth.

Gunter was not hot, but the fact that the eight-foot-tall Demon was wielding enough weaponry to end a medium-sized army was encouraging.

“I’ll buy you a mansion in Miami if you come through for us,” I offered, much to the delight of the Demons.

“Aye! It’s a bargain,” Gene said, doing a little jig that made him look constipated.

Gunter joined in. Paris clapped her hands and made it rain flowers. Levi pressed his temples and groaned.

Levi might be on to something. Maybe we were all going to die.

“Let’s transport. Everyone touch me,” I said, hoping I sounded more positive than I felt.

Levi winked at me and grinned. “Yes, Mom. Let’s go Down Under and kick some ass.”

8

Levi

I hadn’t been Down Under in a few centuries. Anastasia had been more than correct about the wild beauty. Of course, seeing it from the treetops was a new experience.

“Did you mean for us to land in a tree?” Paris Hilton whispered to Anastasia.

I was wondering the same thing myself. It was a little odd for three Demons and two Vampyres to be perched in a tree like birds. However, if Anastasia had screwed up, there was no way I was going to point it out. I’d been electrocuted enough today.

“Yes, I did,” she replied tersely as she gazed into the distance.

The palace sat atop a majestic, golden rocky outcrop in the middle of the breathtaking wide-open desert. The medieval lines of the structure were stunning. It reminded me of Hell.

The haze of menacing dark magic surrounding it? Not so stunning.

“Houston, we have a problem,” Anastasia hissed in fury.

Glancing up at the endless sky, I debated sending them all back and going after Behemoth on my own. The clouds dancing above the arid landscape had no clue that blood was soon to be shed. However, I knew, and I refused to let even a drop of it belong to Anastasia. She would electrocute me for the rest of my days if I pulled some black magic and sent them all away, but I was keeping the option open.

“Who’s Houston?” Gunter whispered, looking around from the large branch of the silver-topped eucalyptus he was balanced precariously on.

“It’s an expression, ye arsehead,” Gene grunted. “From a movie. Means we’re fucked.”

“Maybe, maybe not,” Anastasia said, her eyes still glued to her palace. “However, we are not staying at the palace.”

“Roger that,” I said. “Where to?”

“Working on it,” she muttered.

“Lay out the facts,” I instructed, eyeing the palace for movement or any sign of life—living or undead. “Is your army within the palace walls?”

“My army has been in tatters for decades,” she said flatly. “With my blessing, many migrated to Antarctica for the six months of yearly nighttime. I have four trusted generals left—or at least I did.” She stared hard at the menacing hazy mist around her home. “Most of the Vamps who stayed in my Dominion are not what I would call savory individuals.”

“Keep talking,” I told her, realizing I should have already asked these questions. Falling in love had made me complacent. Complacency got you killed. I vaguely recalled the land being a violent one, but I’d not paid much attention.

“As you probably know, the British founded Australia as a penal colony in the late 1700s. What you may not know is that on the ships, over an eighty-year span, groups of the worst kind of undead hitched rides. Many of the human prisoners died on the journey, but not one of the Vampyres perished. On the voyages, the undead sought out the most violent human criminals and turned them. It would be an understatement to say I’ve had a shitshow on my hands for a couple of centuries. The only positive is that they’re all so arrogant, they won’t work together. Hence, I rarely face coordinated attacks. Unfortunately, I’ve had to defend my place as their Princess on a regular basis.”

Grinding my teeth and tamping back my fury at the situation, I tried to stay calm. Detonating the tree we were sitting in would be counterproductive. “Define that, please.”

Anastasia’s smile was tight. “I get challenged. I fight. I win. They die. The end.”

“Do you always win?” Paris asked, wide-eyed and shocked.

“I’m here right now,” she said with a raised brow and a humorless laugh. “So, I’d have to say, yes.”

I was shocked, impressed, furious and turned on. Quickly grabbing a branch and situating it over the tented crotch of my pants, I stared at the woman who I was falling more in love with every moment.

“Yar mum might be more violent than ye are,” Gene informed me with a solemn nod of respect for Anastasia. “Ye should be right proud of yar mum. Yar mum is a fine salty tar stain. Ye should get yar mum somethin’ real nice for Mum’s Day.”

The idiot pirate was a terrific erection deflator.

Paris reached out and cupped Anastasia’s cheek in her small hand. “You’re a badass just like Astrid.”

My woman was a badass, and she was no longer a lone badass. From this day forward, I was going to be the badder ass behind the badass. “And no help has been sent to you?”

“The aid I’ve received is either dust or left before they became dust. While I love this wild place, it’s not one that many could stomach.”

“Sounds like Hell on a Sunday,” Gunter pointed out.

“Bingo,” Anastasia replied.

“Shiver me timbers! All yar people be arseholes?” Gene asked.

Anastasia shook her head. “No, not all of my people are arseholes,” she said with a sad smile. “But the non-arseholes have gone into hiding for the most part.”

“How many Vampyres are in your Dominion?” Gunter asked Anastasia, holding onto Paris so she didn’t fall out of the tree.

I almost reminded Gunter that his Smooshy Moomoo could fly and most likely end his demonic life, but they both seemed happy with their bizarre arrangement. My instinct was to hold Anastasia, but explaining cuddling and kissing my mother was not on the agenda. While my gut told me Gene, Gunter and Paris could be trusted, the less they knew about Anastasia and me, the less that could be tortured out of them if they got captured by Behemoth.

“Honestly, I don’t know how many,” Anastasia said. “Last count was one hundred, but that was a while ago. My father wants me to leave the Dominion altogether, but there are Vampyres here who deserve humane leadership. It’s just been a rough go for a while.”

“Understatement,” I said through clenched teeth.

Quickly pressing my lips together, I stopped myself from inviting her to live with me in Hell. That was a joke. I had no real home. I’d burned my ancestral home to the ground with great pleasure when my piece-of-shit father had been ended. I had very little to offer the beautiful princess. Plus, Vampyres couldn’t stay long in Hell without a special dispensation from the Devil.

“I’ve seen that haze before,” Anastasia said, focusing back on her palace. “Several times over the last few years.”

“Then I think Behemoth may have been here far longer than suspected,” I said. “The darkness around the palace is Demon magic.”

“Ye think the slimy nard wanker is in there?” Gene asked with a shudder that made the leaves on the tree flutter.

“Doubtful,” I replied. “That’s not his MO. The land beast is fond of caves.”

“We’ll find a safe place to convene. I’ll reach out to my generals and a few trusted others for intel,” Anastasia said. “From there, we’ll move forward.”

“Meaning we’ll pull the plan out of our arses?” Gene asked.

“Precisely,” I replied.

“I have some dead circus buddies living outside of Sydney,” Paris offered. “Haven’t seen them in about fifty years, but I’ll bet we could stay with them. I’m still friends with them on Facebook.”

Anastasia glanced over at Paris in confusion. “Vampyres use Facebook?”

“Yep,” the small Vamp replied. “We have a private undead circus room called Suck This. Tons of fun. None of us show up on film or video so the live chats we’ve tried kind of tanked, but it’s a wonderful community of fire breathers, bearded ladies, contortionists, clowns and other fabulous freaks like me.”

Sucking back a scream with effort, I hoped to Hell and back that my expression was neutral. I was terrified of fucking clowns. That information was private. I was a Demon, for the love of everything evil… yet, clowns freaked me out.

“Mmkay,” Anastasia said, biting her lip to hide her giggle. “Names?”

“Sir Fane ‘I Can Swallow a Car’ Silvan, Umbrella ‘Honk Honk I’ll Kill You’ Urimyar and Fred,” Paris replied.

I squinted at her. “Doesn’t Fred have a nickname?”

“Nope.” Paris shrugged. “Fred sold the popcorn.”

“Right,” I said with an eye roll. Note to self… do not ask Paris Hilton questions.

“Sounds like a fun group,” Gunter announced. “I’d considered joining the circus as a Tall Man, but pilfering takes up so much of my time, I couldn’t make the commitment.”

“Ohhhhhhh!” Paris squealed. “You would be an amazing Tall Man!”

“Aye,” Gene chimed in. “On me pirate ship on the river Styx in Hell, I used to swing from the crow’s nest on Jacob’s Ladder. Lost me legs and arms a few times doing me tricks, but it was great fun. Always thought I might like the trapeze.”

“I would love to see you dismember yourself on the flying trapeze,” Paris told him sincerely.

Gene and Gunter preened like imbeciles.

“Are we done?” I asked. “We kind of need to get the hell out of here.”

“Should I private message Sir Fane?” Paris inquired, pulling out a cell phone.

Anastasia’s stern expression melted away and a wide smile pulled at her lips. “I haven’t seen those characters in decades. Are you certain they’re still here?”

“Only one way to find out,” Paris said with a giggle.

“Correct,” I said.

“Yes,” Anastasia told Paris. “Message Sir Fane. Tell him I’m back and in need of a safe house.”

“They can be trusted?” I asked.

Anastasia nodded absently. “As far as I know, yes. And if not, I will destroy them.”

I had to hide my erection for a second time.

“It’s awfully late,” Gunter pointed out. “Should we wait until morning?”

Paris giggled. Anastasia laughed.

“Vampyres keep quite different hours than Demons,” Anastasia told him. “The later the better for the undead.”

We had a plan. Possibly a shitty plan, but right now it was better than nothing. We needed Gene and Gunter to nap on the riddles. I could use a stiff drink and a cold shower. For lack of a better scheme, we were about to visit Sir Fane, Fred and Umbrella.

I just hoped none of them were fucking clowns.

* * *

The flat was more of a rundown-looking house at the end of a cul-de-sac. Everything around the decrepit building appeared to be deserted. That was fine by me. Keeping a low profile was imperative. The second Behemoth got wind I was gunning for him, all hell would break lose. Literally. Hence, I was still considering sending my army home.

“Welcome to our flat, Your Highness!” a foppish-looking Vampyre gushed, bowing deeply to Anastasia.

He wore knee-length purple breeches over white stockings, a tailcoat cut high over the horrifyingly sorry excuse for pants and a cravat with so many ruffles at his neck, I wondered how he was able to breathe.

Wait. He was dead. He didn’t have to breathe.

“Thank you, Sir Fane,” Anastasia said, glancing around and doing her best not to wince. “Your hospitality shall not be forgotten.”

The flat was a wreck—bloody dishes piled in the sink, dust bunnies the size of a fist floating across the unswept floor and the grime on the walls thick enough to write one’s name in. The Vamps were slobs. However, beggars could not be choosers.

Sir Fane immediately pulled a sword from his scabbard and lit it on fire with a snap of his fingers. I growled low in my throat, ready to kill the Vampyre. But Anastasia gently put her hand on my arm.

“It’s his way of saying hello,” she whispered.

“By decapitating us?” I muttered back.

“No,” she said with a grin. “Watch.”

The bizarre man did some elaborate moves to fully display the blazing sword. Twice he lit his cravat on fire. Twice he had to douse the flames and start over. Gene, Gunter and Paris watched with rapt and impressed attention. It was all I could do not to laugh.

“Is he serious?” I asked Anastasia under my breath.

“Very,” she confirmed as the certifiable Sir Fane slid slowly into the splits.

“Behold the Steel Slurper,” Sir Fane shouted in a high-pitched squeak. “I am the Blade Glommer! Some may say I am stupid, but I laugh in their face! Ha ha! I am Sir Fane ‘I Can Swallow A Car’ Silvan!”

Again, he lit his shirt on fire. I was definitely on Team Stupid.

“How long is this going to take?” I whispered to Anastasia.

“Hush,” she shot back, doing her best not to laugh.

I didn’t push it. Anastasia’s joy made me happy—a new feeling that I was growing to like… and crave.

“One moment, please,” Sir Fane croaked, embarrassed. He got to his feet, put out the fire and dusted off his breeches frantically.

“Take your time, old friend,” Paris said sweetly. “It’s probably been a while since you’ve performed.”

“Yes, yes,” he said, fretting like a little old woman. Quickly stripping down to just his purple breaches, he tried yet again. Smiling shyly at his audience, he bowed and relit his sword. “No magic! No tricks! I shall align the sword with my upper esophageal sphincter—similar to the anal sphincter, but not in the ass!”

I bit down so hard on my lip, it bled. Being polite took tremendous energy.

Fane continued. “I will straighten my pharynx. This is achieved by tipping my head waaaaaaaaay back. Watch and be amazed. The Great Sir Fane Silvan is BACK!”

“Is there a chance he’s about to disembowel himself?” I asked, squinting at the ridiculous show playing out before our eyes.

“Definitely,” Paris said, clasping her hands together in excitement.

I shook my head. The company—Anastasia excluded—definitely made me feel like I was at the circus.

I hated the circus.

“Not trying to be rude,” I said, then paused. “Actually, I’m rude by nature so strike the first part of my sentence. But can we get on with this? We have business to attend to.”

“Of course,” Sir Fane said. “Get ready to be AMAZED!”

Amazed was pushing it. Repulsed would have been more appropriate. Sir Fane did indeed swallow the flaming sword, but clearly, he didn’t tip his head waaaaaaaaay back enough. The sword went down his throat and came poking right out of his chest. From the expression on Sir Fane’s face, I was pretty sure that wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Holy shite!” Gene yelled, clapping his hands so hard I thought they might detach. “Blimey! Yar better than an eyeliner-wearin’ dingy dangler!”

Sir Fane appeared mortified when he realized he’d put a rather large hole in his upper chest, but the rousing round of applause clearly outweighed his humiliation. The idiot healed immediately, which made me think he was quite old.

“Umm… I could do it again… even better. No stabby, stabby,” he said, wringing his hands.

“Nope,” Anastasia said quickly. “That was wonderful.”

The Vamp blushed and bowed again to his Princess. “I would die for you, my liege.”

“Pretty sure you almost did,” I muttered.

“Moving on,” Anastasia said, shooting me a look. “Are Umbrella and Fred here as well?”

Sir Fane nodded his head and sat down on a three-legged chair. I was surprised he didn’t fall on his ass. “Yes,” he said, his expression forlorn. “We’ve had a tiff, though.”

“Do ye need me to send the seadogs to Davey Jones’ Locker?” Gene inquired, pulling out a wicked-looking dagger.

Sir Fane threw his head back and laughed. “Oh no,” he said, still giggling. “But the kind gesture is greatly appreciated, Sir Pirate Demon. We quite enjoy our tiffs. Good for the undead soul to get bloody and almost die every now and then.”

“Aye, I agree with ye,” Gene said, nodding to the Vampyre. “Me name is Gene. Me arsehole is Gunter. And the shite stain is Leviathan.”

Sir Fane paled considerably, which was difficult since he was a Vampyre. He stared at me with awe and dropped to his knees. “You have finally come, Demon.”

I glanced over at Anastasia in confusion. She shrugged, just as perplexed as me. Did I know the strange Vampyre? I was old, but surely, I would have recalled someone so bizarre.

“Umm… yep,” I said, squinting at him. “Have we met?”

Sir Fane pursed his lips and giggled. “Only in my dreams.”

“Mmkay,” Anastasia said, not sure where this was going. “What say you we gather up the boys and have a chat?”

“Ohhhh yes!” Sir Fane said, winking spastically at me.

WTF? Was he hitting on me?

“We’ll have to talk Fred into coming out of his crypt,” Sir Fane explained. “He’s been in there on and off for nine months, pouting because we came down on him about not reading the chore chart and doing his share. He’s very difficult as you can imagine. Do any of you happen to have a turkey on you?”

“No,” I said flatly. “We do not carry turkeys with us.”

I was very close to suggesting we find another safe house. We didn’t have time for this.

“Not to worry,” he said, waving at us to follow him. “But we do have a bunk bed for your use.”

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. We’d said nothing about the bunk bed.

Sir Fane giggled. “You’ve dreamt about a bunk bed… amongst other things,” he said, waggling his eyebrows and glancing over at Anastasia with delight.

My eyes narrowed and Sir Fane backed away quickly. “You can walk in my dreams?”

The Vampyre’s hands fluttered nervously. “Oh no, no, no, no. I’m not a Dream Walker. Very occasionally I can see dreams when I meet people. You are one of the lucky ones!”

“Not sure that’s how I’d describe it,” I muttered.

“Pish, pish,” Sir Fane said with another giggle. “No harm. It’s not like I can read your mind—just a few of your dreams. If we’d known you were coming, we’d have straightened up a bit and baked a cake. Umbrella makes a very nice carrot cake when he’s not behaving like a raving lunatic. Of course, we can’t actually eat it since we’re dead, but it smells divine. Follow me!”

“I am so fucking confused,” I said as we trailed after the peculiar man.

“Join the club,” Anastasia agreed. “But I’d bet my undead life we’re exactly where we’re supposed to be right now.”

“You believe in fate?” I inquired as we walked down a filthy staircase into the bowels of the flat.

“Occasionally. Although, I like to think I create my own fate,” she said, swatting a spiderweb out of the way. “However, I do believe there are very few mistakes in life. This is not a mistake. I feel it in my bones.”

I agreed.

I had an unsettling feeling that the Devil was behind all of it, but that was something I’d probably never know. Whatever. I was the one in charge of my destiny at the moment. Behemoth aside, I was liking the rest of it.

9

Anastasia

The basement of the flat was far worse than the main floor. I was terrified to see what the upstairs looked like. Hopefully, Gene and Gunter would figure out the riddles during their first nap and we could be on our way. I was being optimistic. I had a bad feeling we were going nowhere fast.

“Does anyone happen to spy a plump rodent?” Sir Fane inquired, lighting a torch.

“No,” Paris said, glancing around. “Do you have pets?”

Sir Fane giggled. “Oh no, dear Paris Hilton. Since I don’t have a live turkey, I was hoping to tempt Fred out of the crypt with a juicy rat.”

“Alrighty then,” I said, holding back a gag with effort. To my knowledge, Vampyres didn’t usually imbibe turkey or rat blood, but the trio in question were an odd bunch. “You drink the blood of animals?”

Sir Fane nodded. “’Tis too dangerous in the streets anymore to take a little nip-nip from a human. We’ve had to get creative. Well, except Umbrella. His self-preservation gene has grown nonexistent. He leaves the flat for weeks at a time.”

“The humans know of you?” Gunter asked, crawling on the grimy floor and searching for a rat.

“No, no, nothing like that,” Sir Fane assured everyone. “It’s just that… well… umm…”

“What?” I asked. “Tell me.”

Sir Fane placed the torch in an archaic holder on the wall and sat down on a rickety metal chair. “It’s gotten very bad here, Your Highness. An evil lurks and it’s making the normal everyday violence become madness. Fred says that we must leave our land, but none of us want to go. Lacking the funding to start over is one of the hurdles we face. We keep hoping for a miracle.”

Sir Fane peeked over at Levi and gave him a thumbs up.

My stomach tightened. How did I think it was okay to leave my people for so long? My duty was here. It might be Hell on Earth, but it was mine.

And why were centuries-old Vampyres broke?

“Freeeeeed,” Sir Fane sang, jumping to his feet and trying to push the heavy concrete door of the tomb to the side. “Wakey, wakey! I have a surprise for you.”

“I’m not doing the dishes,” Fred grumbled, reaching out of the narrow opening and slapping at Sir Fane.

Sir Fane shook his head and glanced over at us apologetically. “Sorry about that. Fred is obviously still quite upset that we dismembered him about shirking his chores.”

“Eat me,” Fred yelled.

“I’d rather not,” Sir Fane said. “You must come out. There is someone very important here to see you.”

“Dwayne Johnson?” Fred guessed.

“Umm… no,” Sir Fane said, still trying to push the rock aside.

“Sylvester Stallone?” Fred tried again.

“No.”

“Jean-Claude Van Damme?”

“No.”

“Dolph Lundgren?”

“My goodness, no,” Sir Fane huffed impatiently.

There was clearly a theme here.

“Jessica Simpson?” Fred asked hopefully.

Or maybe not…

“No, you dummy head,” Sir Fane said with an enormous eye roll. “It’s someone more famous than Jessica Simpson!”

“Liar,” Fred said. “No one is more famous than Jessica Simpson.”

This could take a while, and I was still stuck on the fact that the Vampyres were broke.

“How old are you, Sir Fane, if you don’t mind me asking?” I questioned.

“Not at all,” he replied. “I’m eight hundred years old.”

“Nine hundred, liar,” Fred grunted from inside his tomb. “That does not sound like Jessica Simpson.”

“Because it’s not,” Sir Fane said, fanning himself rapidly, then pointing at the crypt. “Fine. I’m nine hundred, but Fred is over a thousand. And Umbrella is older than dirt.”

“I’m nine hundred and ninety-eight,” Fred corrected him.

“Whatever,” Sir Fane snapped at the hidden Fred. “It harms no one to knock a century or two off of one’s age.”

I nodded politely. They were a little nutty. “How is it that you have no money?” I asked. Every Vampyre I’d come across in my years—and I’d come across many—had amassed fortunes over their lifetimes. Some of it legal, most of it not.

“Poor investments,” Sir Fane admitted, letting his chin fall to his chest in embarrassment. “We’ve made quite a few.”

“Like Wow Chips,” Fred shouted in disgust. “Does the voice belong to Paula Abdul?”

“No, it does not,” Sir Fane snapped.

“Blimey! Wow Chips?” Gene asked with a wince. “The crisps that give ye the shites?”

“Yes,” Sir Fane whispered, mortified. “We invested in Wow Chips.”

“And New Coke,” Fred roared.

“Oh crap,” Paris Hilton said, patting Sir Fane on the back. “That was a mistake.”

“Tell me about it,” Sir Fane moaned. “But the worst was Jimmy Dean’s Chocolate Chip Pancake-Wrapped Sausages. We lost it all on that one.”

“Call me crazy,” Levi said, scratching his head. “But why would people who can’t eat invest in food products?”

“Exactly,” Fred grumbled. “Umbrella is a dumbass. How many people are out there?”

“If you would remove your undead carcass from the crypt, you would know,” Sir Fane admonished Fred.

“You took investment advice from Umbrella?” Paris asked, shocked.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Sir Fane admitted. “Hindsight is twenty-twenty and all that.”

I ran my hands through my long blonde hair and wanted to pull it out of my head. Half of my people were soulless murderers and the other half were idiots. And it was becoming evident that I’d let the good idiots down.

“No mistakes, Anastasia,” Levi said, staring at me and basically reading my mind.

I’d just uttered the words to him only minutes ago. No mistakes. I swallowed and raised my chin. It was not a mistake that I was in a rat-infested basement of a flat—I now knew how badly my people were suffering. It was not a mistake that I’d gone to visit my brother and sister-in-law—I met the Demon I was destined for. It wasn’t a mistake to bring along Paris Hilton—we wouldn’t have known to search for Sir Fane, who could apparently slip into Leviathan’s dreams.

“No mistakes,” I repeated with a curt nod of my head.

I glanced at Levi and he winked. My body tingled and I grinned. This time was different. This time I was not alone. Now when I looked over my shoulder, there was someone behind me who didn’t want me dead. It was a wonderful feeling.

Time was wasting and Levi looked as if he was ready to blow the lid off the tomb with an explosion. Stepping forward, I wiggled my fingers and the concrete door crumbled to dust.

Everyone gasped and Fred screamed. The Vamp was in his birthday suit and not in what I would call good shape. He was skin and bones. Apparently, drinking the blood of animals and hiding in a concrete crypt for nine months was a recipe for disaster.

“My God,” I said, feeling guilty that I was unaware of the extent of my people’s suffering. To be fair, I’d been busy trying to stay alive and social visits hadn’t been on the agenda, but this was appalling.

“My Princess,” Fred shrieked, covering his privates and dropping to his knees on the rancid floor with a thud. “Definitely more famous than Jessica Simpson.”

“Blimey,” Gene said, shielding his eyes from the ghostly white glare of Fred’s naked body. “Back up, I’ve got this.” The Demon cracked his knuckles, squatted in a deep knee bend, then did an obscene hip roll. A crack of bright red lightning ripped through the dingy basement, blinding me for a moment.

“Oh my!” Sir Fane squealed with delight when the pinkish smoke cleared. “So fancy!”

Fred was now dressed—using a very lose definition of the word. The skeletal Vampyre was wearing purple harem pants, an ill-fitted lime green sports coat, loafers and a white muscle shirt.

“Ohhhhh! Shite Prada from three seasons ago,” Paris gushed. “I’m impressed.”

Gene took a bow and Fred examined his news duds in horror.

“Lime green is not in my color wheel,” Fred fretted. “I hate to be rude, but do you happen to have hot pink?”

“Aye,” Gene said, then began gyrating again.

Another crack of lightning tore through the squalid basement and Fred got his wish. Surprisingly, the pink was nicer than the lime green. It didn’t fit Fred’s emaciated frame any better, but the rosy hue made the Vampyre look slightly less pale.

“I am Fred,” Fred announced, bowing deeply to all. “In appreciation for my handsome new ensemble, I would like to show my thanks. How may I be of service?”

“You could do the dishes,” Sir Fane muttered.

Fred flashed fang at Sir Fane and Sir Fane returned the favor. As the two Vampyres began to circle each other menacingly, Levi stepped in between them.

“Nope,” he said flatly. “None of that shit. It would suck—for you—if I had to tear your limbs off. We need information if you have it and a place to let Gene and Gunter nap.”

“My apologies, O Evil Lord of the Underworld Leviathan,” Sir Fane said quickly.

Fred eyed Levi in shock. “Leviathan? You’re the Leviathan?”

“That’s his name, don’t wear it out,” Gunter said, moving right next to Levi and displaying his weaponry.

What we didn’t need was a smackdown with the hosts of our safehouse. Moving between Levi and the Vampyres, I nodded.

“First of all, you need to eat, Fred,” I said, rolling up my sleeve and offering the Vamp my wrist. It was the very least I could do. “And yes, my friend is indeed the Leviathan. Do you take issue with Demons in your home?”

“Ohhhhh, no, no, no, no, no!” Sir Fane burst out, giving Fred a disgusted glare. “Any friend of our Princess is a friend of ours—even dirty Demons.”

“What he said,” Fred added, still staring at Levi. “Dirty, dirty Demons.”

Gunter and Gene scowled. Paris looked like she wanted to throw a shitfit, but Levi just laughed.

“Been called far worse,” he commented.

My radar pinged, but I held back the desire to zap Fred and Sir Fane. I wasn’t entirely sure Fred would live through an electrocution. Plus, it was unusual for Vampyres to befriend Demons. However, rudeness would not be tolerated.

“We do not call other species dirty,” I said in a tone that made both Fred and Sir Fane blanch. “Have I made myself clear?”

“Very,” Sir Fane squeaked. “My apologies, Your Highness.”

“What he said, Your Highness,” Fred agreed.

Fred could really use some work on his manners.

“Eat,” I told him. “If you are to be of any assistance, you need to actually be alive.”

“Yes, yes. Fred must have sustenance,” Sir Fane agreed, then jumped as a crash sounded above our heads.

Gunter, Gene and Paris Hilton immediately went into battle mode and sprinted for the stairs. Levi began to glow and growl. I grabbed a dagger from the sheath at my waist and pushed Sir Fane and Fred into the crypt for safety.

“It’s okay!” Sir Fane screeched frantically. “It’s just Umbrella. He’s very loud and clumsy.”

Everyone froze. However, we were all on edge. The distinct scent of danger was in the air.

“Umbrella’s an asshole,” Fred grumbled, adjusting his new duds. “Very untrustworthy.”

“And he was almost a dead asshole,” Levi said, giving me a look.

I nodded and kept my knife in my hand. I’d seen none of these Vampyres in many years. While I hoped they could be trusted, I would be a fool to let my guard down.

I was no fool.

Fred and Sir Fane seemed to be the least of my worries. Umbrella might be another story altogether.

10

Levi

“Oh hell no,” I muttered under my breath as Umbrella sauntered around the flat eyeing everyone suspiciously.

That wasn’t the problem. If it were my home territory in Hell, I’d be checking out the guests as potential enemies as well. It had to have been shocking to come home to three Demons, a Princess and another Vamp. But again, Umbrella’s unease was not the issue.

The problem was… the fucker was a clown.

Anastasia shot me a perplexed glance. I gave her a tight smile and tried to keep my breathing even. No need to alert the Vampyre of my dreams that I was terrified of clowns. It was very un-Demon-like.

Not only was Umbrella a clown, he was dressed in full clown regalia—right down to the squishy red ball of a nose. His wide-legged, bright-blue trousers were held up by rainbow suspenders that were flat-out terrifying. The freak wore a yellow bow tie with a red t-shirt and had a tiny fucking bowler hat perched on his massive curly orange wig—at least I thought it was a wig. All of it was nightmare-inducing. However, it was the oversized shoes that almost shoved me over the edge into a panic attack. I could take on the Devil himself, but a clown undid me.

It took all I had not to transport right out of Australia. It was only the scent of Anastasia that kept me from doing so. Her life was far more valuable than my immense, enormous, embarrassing and wildly irrational fear.

So far, so good. I hadn’t screamed or killed the clown. I was taking it a moment at a time. I reminded myself that I was here to kill my nemesis, Behemoth… not a clown. For all I knew the clown was a decent guy. Doubtful, but possible.

Sir Fane ran around the living room removing debris from the rotting furniture so everyone could be seated. Fred simply leaned against the wall picking his fangs while doing his best to trip Sir Fane each time he scurried by. Umbrella wasn’t disturbed by the horrific state of the flat, he just paced erratically and sized everyone up. It wasn’t until he noticed that his Princess was present that the sneer left his appallingly overpainted red lips.

“My Liege,” he said in a gravelly voice, bowing low and quickly making her a balloon giraffe. “It is an honor to have you in our humble abode.”

“The honor is mine, Umbrella,” Anastasia said, smiling at the weirdo.

“Umbrella! It’s me! Paris Hilton,” Paris shouted, waving at the deranged Vampyre.

The undead clown squinted at the tiny Vamp for a long moment before a real smile pulled at his scary mouth. However, he glared at the rest of us and began to set up a table. When I noticed the unicycle and tambourine, I knew I had to get out.

“Boss man,” Gunter whispered in my ear as Umbrella began to unpack a bag of tricks.

Turning my head and focusing completely on the eight-foot-tall Demon wearing a Viking helmet, kilt and flip-flops kept me from screaming like a girl. It was a bit of a relief that Gunter had gone as pale as a ghost too.

“Speak,” I said to him quietly so I didn’t draw the attention of the goddamned clown.

“Can’t do clowns,” he choked out, pulling me to the back of the room. “Wanna kill him so I don’t have to look at him.”

I nodded in complete understanding and wondered how much shit we would be in if we offed the clown. Fairly sure that Anastasia would be pissed, I racked my brain for another option. For the evil life of me, I couldn’t think of anything better.

“Can you make it look like an accident?” I asked under my breath.

“Debatable,” Gunter said, scratching his head. “But I might have an idea.”

“A good idea?” I asked doubtfully.

The giant Demon nodded. “Hear me out. Maybe, just maybe if I got close enough to him without shitting my pants, I could call you a name—something like pansy-assed dickshit or tiny-peckered mother humper. You could get really mad and stomp your feet, glow in that scary way you do and blow something up. Then, in a shitfit of rage, you could throw a massive fireball at me and accidentally miss. Of course, it would hit the clown. I would scream in agony and despair, then cry for forty-one seconds. After I’ve sufficiently shown my grief at the honest mistake you made, I would try to save him from the hellfire flames. When I jump on him to douse the fire, my sword randomly flies out of my scabbard and decapitates the red-nosed bastard. Voila. The clown is dead.”

I stared at Gunter for a full minute. How was the idiot still alive?

“How does your sword randomly fly out of your scabbard?” I asked.

“I see where you’re going with that,” Gunter said. “I suppose I could crush his head when I land on him, then inadvertently rip it off trying to fix it.”

“While that makes slightly more sense in a truly fucked-up way, I’m going to have to take a pass.”

“We let the clown live?” he asked with wide eyes.

“Pretty sure killing him because of his chosen profession wouldn’t end well for us—not that I don’t want to because I really do. However, Anastasia and Paris Hilton seem to like the abomination,” I told him.

Gunter sighed and tried again. “How about we dismember him, strip him naked, incinerate the outfit and shove the unicycle up his ass?”

I liked the idea much better, but still didn’t see us coming out on top.

“Problematic,” I said. “Even though it would feel good to dismember the clown, we’re his houseguests at the moment. Anastasia would electrocute me for the rest of time and never sleep with me again.”

Gunter’s mouth fell open. “You sleep with your mom?”

Son of a bitch. The lie was going to bite me in the ass forever. “Only during thunderstorms,” I replied quickly.

The answer satisfied the dolt. “The squishy red nose makes me feel violent,” Gunter admitted, sounding like he was about to cry. “I want to cut it off and watch him bleed. Does that make me a bad person?”

“You’re a Demon,” I reminded him. “It’s a given. However, I’d like to cut off his nose, watch him bleed, then make him eat it.”

“You’re a vicious bastard,” Gunter said, impressed.

“Thank you.”

“Welcome.”

Briefly, I wondered if it was a Demon thing to be terrified of clowns, but Gene had settled himself on a torn-up yellow beanbag chair right in front of the horrifying freak of nature to watch the show about to be performed.

“Would it be rude if we simply left the room?” Gunter whispered.

“We’re Demons. We’re known for being rude. Follow my lead.”

“Roger that, captain,” Gunter said, looking everywhere except at Umbrella. “Getting a little nauseous.”

While unmanly and embarrassing, coulrophobia was no laughing matter. The illogical fear of clowns could cause both panic, nausea… and homicidal tendencies in Demons.

“Sir Fane,” I said, grabbing the Vamp as he raced by with a stack of dusty throw pillows. “I need to see the bunk bed.”

“Now?” he asked, shocked.

“Now,” I confirmed.

Gunter nodded in agreement so fast, he looked as if he was having a seizure.

“But you’ll miss Umbrella’s performance,” Sir Fane fretted. “He’s quite good. The unicycle puppet show is spectacular!”

“I’m sure it is,” I replied tersely.

“I’ll show him the bunk beds,” Fred said. “Follow me.”

“Gene,” I barked. “It’s time for a nap.”

“Not now, ye weevil-eatin’ sea serpent! The dingy dangler, Pennywise, needs all hands ahoy for the yo-ho-ho!” Gene yelled.

Umbrella’s fangs dropped as he threw the tambourine at Gene, embedding it in his head. “Name’s Umbrella not Pennywise, Demon.”

“Aye, me bad,” Gene said, pulling the instrument out of his frontal lobe.

“Now, Gene,” I growled. “Nap time.”

Yet again, Anastasia gave me a strange look. Yet again, I gave her a tight smile. It was the best I could do in a petrifying situation.

“Yar hornswagglin’ me out of a good time, ye stripey son of a rope burn,” he grumbled then turned to Umbrella. “Can ye at least make me a balloon critter since I have to miss the show?”

Umbrella pulled a purple balloon from his oversized pocket and blew it up. “What animal do you prefer?”

Gene clasped his hands together and grinned. “I’d like a nice kitty cat to love.”

With great flourish that would surely give me nightmares for a century, the clown made Gene a kitty. I had to admit it actually looked like a damned cat, but it was still somewhat paralyzing to watch.

* * *

The bedroom was no better than the rest of the house and the bunk beds were so unstable I wasn’t sure they could hold both Gunter and Gene—especially Gunter. The bastard was huge.

“Thank you, Fred,” I said. “You may leave.”

Fred clearly didn’t want to leave. Seating his skinny undead carcass on the bottom bunk, he crossed his legs and made himself comfortable.

It took everything I was made of not to set the bloodsucker on fire.

Gunter and Gene glanced over at me in shocked surprise. Rarely—if ever… like in never—were my commands disobeyed. At least not without lethal repercussions. Unfortunately, the pain-in-the-ass Vamps were Anastasia’s people. She’d probably be disappointed in me if I rendered Fred limbless.

For the love of everything dastardly, caring about someone other than myself was incredibly complicated.

“Sooooo, let’s chat a bit,” Fred said with a satisfied little smirk. “Do any of you know The Rock?”

“Who?” I asked, wondering if he was daft.

“Dwayne Johnson!” he replied as if I was an idiot.

“No,” I said, doing my best not to headbutt him. “I know no one named Dwayne Johnson.”

“He’s very famous,” Fred told us.

“Good for him,” I replied. “Now if you would excuse us…”

“What about Paula Abdul?” he asked. “I heard she was a Fairy.”

“Not a clue, nor do I give a shit,” I snapped.

There was a full minute and a half of silence. Twice I raised my hand to electrocute him. Twice Gunter gave me the eyeball and saved me from my normal tendencies. Being appropriately sociable sucked.

Fred straightened his shite Prada knockoff jacket, then clasped his hands together and eyed us with suspicion. “What are you Demons really doing in Australia? Vacation?”

Gunter quickly stood up and put himself between the Vampyre and me. It was a risky move and made me respect the enormous Demon a little more than I had five minutes ago.

“Your mom will be pissed if you off him,” Gunter whispered.

I closed my eyes and wanted to kick my own ass. How was I in this situation? I was here to kill Behemoth, not make nice with dummies in a filthy flat while pretending that the woman I’d bow-chick-a-wow-wowed with was my mother. This was going to give me a fucking rash.

“Aye, a vacation,” Gene grunted, giving me a spastic wink when his back was turned to Fred. “Little quaffin’. Little hornswagglin’. Ye know, ye might find us doin’ a dance with Jack Ketch or buildin’ a yoga studio and knittin’ grundies. Satan has his eye on openin’ a little keelhaulin’ venture Down Under. But I’d prefer me a good clap of thunder! I like to fill me scuttlebutt with a nice white wine spritzer, if ye know what I mean.”

“Umm…” Fred was as confused as everyone else in the room.

Clearly, the tambourine to the skull hadn’t done Gene any favors. Or… maybe the idiot was brilliant. Or, more likely, I was losing it since I hadn’t electrocuted anyone in a few hours. The damned Demon just kept on talking.

“If I were ye, and I’m fuckin’ glad I’m not, I’d batten down the hatches,” Gene went on, shoving Fred off the bed and pulling a powder-blue blankie out of his breeches. “If ye turn out to favor a lily-livered, tricorn-sportin’ stern fowler, then yar will be dancin’ the hempin’ jig with Davy Jones.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Fred asked, watching Gene arrange his blankie just so, then put his balloon kitty in the middle of it.

“Exactly!” Gene shouted. “Most cod-faced tar stains are cutlass-flappin’ bilge drinkers. Right, arsehole?”

“Umm… yes?” Fred replied, not wanting to let on he was lost.

“NO!” Gene bellowed, pulling out a pillow from under his puffy shirt and fluffing it for his nap. “Greasy-haired rope burns end up bein’ shite-stinkin’ dungbies. Remember that. Yar will go far in life. Now if ye will excuse us, I have to bust a grumpie and get some Zs.”

“Bust a grumpie?” Fred questioned, alarmed.

“Aye, I’ll be takin’ a shite. If ye want to stay and watch, that’s up to ye.”

Fred paled to the point of ghostly and sprinted out of the room.

There was a long moment of silence.

“That was either the most brilliant bullshit ever spoken or you’re completely brain damaged,” I said, staring at the grinning pirate.

Gene smirked. “Is the Vampyre gone?”

“The Vampyre is gone,” I confirmed.

“Then it was brilliant, shite stain,” Gene told me with a wink.

I pressed the bridge of my nose and smiled. “I have a question.”

“About grumpies?” Gene asked.

“Umm… no. Were you truly enjoying the clown?” I asked.

“Nay,” Gene said with a shudder. “Clowns scare the shite out of me. I just like to get up close and personal with me fears. Gives me gas and makes me feel alive.”

The Demon had rendered me silent for a moment. While he made sense every now and then, I wasn’t sure I could get up close and personal with a clown without killing it.

Gunter chuckled, picked up Gene, and gently settled him on the bed next to his balloon kitty. “My best buddy is insanely brilliant—stress on the insane part.” Gunter took off his flip-flops and helmet and put them neatly on the three-legged bedside table. “There’s a lot more to Gene and me besides good looks.”

“Really?” I asked with a grin as I snapped my fingers and produced the scroll with the riddles. “Tell me.”

Gunter took the scroll and placed it on the bed next to Gene. The huge Demon sighed and looked more serious than I’d seen him thus far. “We were never going to really kill you.”

“Interesting.” I raised a brow and waited for more. “Not quite the way I recall it.”

“Aye, me arse tells the truth,” Gene said with a huge yawn. “We figured the only way we could get close enough to the flounderin’, barrel-bellied, son of a sea arse land monster was if we had you.”

“Correct,” Gunter said. “The plan was to knock you out and kidnap you—possibly remove all your appendages so you couldn’t get away. We knew if we had you, Behemoth would come to us. And once he arrived, we were hoping you’d assist us in ending him.”

I squinted at him. “That was a very bad plan.”

“Tell me about it! Backfired on us like an eye-liner wearin’ dingly dangler,” Gene said with a laugh. “If the Devil hadn’t come along and threatened to kill us if we didn’t help ye without harmin’ ye, we’d still be growin’ back our arms and legs and tryin’ to figure out another way to get to the scurvy road rash.”

“But now we are exactly where we’re supposed to be,” Gunter said, pulling his own blankie out from underneath his kilt.

I shook my head. I would never understand the Devil’s motives. And I’d clearly misjudged the Demons. “I’m a little lost here,” I admitted.

Gunter nodded in understanding. “We’ve been lost for a few thousand years.”

“Back up,” I said, confused. “How old are you?”

Gene shrugged. “Three thousand, give or take a couple hundred years.”

“Same,” Gunter added.

None of the conversation was making much sense. While that shouldn’t surprise me, I had no intention of going back downstairs while the fucking clown was performing. I may as well try to understand what my strange little army was trying to tell me. “Demons as old as you say you are should be able to heal and regenerate limbs almost immediately.”

“Aye,” Gene said, clutching his kitty to his chest and patting the balloon head lovingly. “But not if ye spent fifteen hundred years bein’ tortured.”

My blood ran cold in my veins. My vision blurred. I was an excellent liar. I also knew the truth when I heard it. The straightforward way Gene had stated the fact gave me a gut-churning sense of déjà vu.

“Define tortured,” I said flatly.

Gene’s expression went blank and he glanced down at the dirty floor. Gunter put his arm around his friend. “If we told you the truth, it would sound like a lie.”

I stood silently and waited with my fists clenched at my sides. Gunter’s words rang appallingly true and sickeningly familiar. My reaction was visceral. Those who had truly been tortured in Hell never spoke of it—they couldn’t. It was so far beyond what the imagination could comprehend, it sounded like fiction. I knew torture. I’d spent most of my life at the edge of death only to be brought back, then put through it again and again. The fact that it didn’t destroy my mind and my soul was a fucked-up blessing I didn’t understand.

“By who? Who tortured you?” I demanded through gritted teeth.

Gunter and Gene exchanged wary glances.

“Who?” I repeated, feeling light-headed with fury. Gene and Gunter were not the sharpest tools in the shed, but they were decent as far as Demons went—actually nice. “My father? Satan? Who?”

“Should we lie to the shite stain?” Gene asked Gunter.

“The shite stain can hear you,” I pointed out with an eye roll. “You started this. Finish it.”

“Behemoth and your father,” Gunter said with no emotion in his voice whatsoever. “Your father is dead. Your sister, Astrid, is a goddess to us for ending the life of one so evil. And now…”

“Now it’s Behemoth’s turn to die,” Gene spat.

“No mistakes,” I muttered.

“We won’t be makin’ no mistakes,” Gene promised.

“Not what I meant.” I paced the small room. What I wanted to do was find the monster and slay him. However, I was smart enough to know that I didn’t have what I needed yet. That’s where Gene and Gunter came it. “There are no mistakes in life. You’re supposed to be here with me.”

“Aye, shite stain,” Gene said with a thumbs up. “The Devil said the ones who the land monster had harmed the most should get the honor of ending him. That’s me.”

“And me,” Gunter added.

“And me,” I said.

I didn’t often like people. It was tiresome and took effort I wasn’t willing to expend. However, since I was forced by Satan into my sister’s home, I was starting to like a whole lot of people—Gene and Gunter included.

The problem with liking people—or loving, in the case of Anastasia—was that it left me vulnerable and put those I cared about in danger. It wasn’t a position I wanted to be in. However, the alternative of living a desolate life until the end of time appealed even less.

“Go to sleep,” I told my men. “You hold the pieces of the puzzle we need to slay the beast.”

“We won’t steer your wrong, captain,” Gunter said as he cuddled up to Gene.

“Aye,” Gene agreed sleepily. “We’ll follow you to the end, shite stain.”

While the endearment was iffy, the rest of what he said was not. As the two Demons fell asleep, I watched them. Carefully covering them with their ridiculous blankies, I closed my eyes. “And I will protect you to the end. You have my word.”

I just hoped the end wasn’t in the near future. I’d never had so much to live for in my very long life.

11

Anastasia

The atmosphere felt wonky. Levi’s behavior had been odd. And being back in my Dominion had me looking over my shoulder constantly. My self-preservation instinct had kicked into high gear now that I was back in my land. It was not an exceptionally good way to live, but at least I was used to it.

“Who would like to volunteer to be sawed in half?” Umbrella inquired right after he’d made adorable balloon animals for Paris, Sir Fane and me.

Unsurprisingly, no one raised their hand. Clowns didn’t normally saw people in half, but Umbrella was an unusual clown. Honestly, I found clowns creepy. For at least a century, I’d had to remind myself that it wouldn’t be very royal or nice of me to remove Umbrella’s big red nose and shove it up his ass. It was very irrational, but I’d worked through it. I was proud of the fact. Umbrella—along with Sir Fane and Fred—had been some of the very few who had never tried to kill me. If it made him happy to be a creepy clown, so be it.

“Decapitation?” Umbrella tried again.

Again, he had no takers.

“Seems a little much,” I told him. “Why don’t you do some card tricks?”

“I have many!” Umbrella announced in his raspy voice. He pulled out a deck with great flourish and did a jig that made his curly wig bounce in a disturbing way.

Do not maim the clown. Do not maim the clown. It would be incredibly wrong to maim the clown.

“Oh my God!” Fred shouted from a distance. “They’re disgusting!”

Fred sprinted into the living room as if the Devil was on his heels. Crashing into Umbrella’s magic show and knocking everything to the ground, his eyes grew wide in horror. Umbrella’s fangs dropped and he tackled Fred and locked him in a hold that was sure to take his head right off his body. Sir Fane screamed and dove into the melee. Fangs gnashed, blood spurted and swear words flew. Paris Hilton squealed with delight at the smackdown unfolding. However, it wasn’t until I got hit in the head with a flying arm and a squishy red nose that I had to put an end to it.

“Enough,” I shouted as everyone froze. For good measure and to let them know I meant business, I also electrocuted them. It was a minor electrocution, but necessary. “This is undignified behavior and no way to act with guests in your home. You will stop this nonsense at once or I will put a permanent end to it.”

All three nutty Vamps dropped to their knees and pressed their noses to the floor in shame. Paris Hilton seemed a bit disappointed that the blood had stopped flowing, but was wise enough to stay quiet.

“So embarrassed,” Sir Fane blubbered. “I beg your forgiveness, my Liege.”

“I am not embarrassed. I take my clown magic very seriously. When the sacred process is upended by a douchebag wearing seasons-old shite Prada, I have no choice but to defend my life’s work,” Umbrella announced gruffly. “I regret that you witnessed the infantile behavior of the assheads I reside with. Although, I must add it was worth the electrocution to have the public opportunity to rip Fred’s arm off.”

“Very rude,” Sir Fane huffed with his nose still plastered to the grimy floor.

“Your point?” Umbrella grunted.

“No point,” Sir Fane said quickly. “Just an observation.”

“The two of you are dicks,” Fred snapped, raising his head and looking around for his arm.

Handing it back to him even though it would do him no good, I fake-sighed and shook my head. “Maybe you three should consider new living arrangements. This one doesn’t seem to be working out.”

“Can’t afford it,” Sir Fane said, peeking up at me with a sad smile.

“Because of WOW CHIPS and NEW COKE,” Fred bellowed, glaring at Umbrella.

Umbrella growled low in his throat. “If our Princess wasn’t here, I would disembowel you and make you eat it.”

“Ewwwww,” Paris said with a giggle, clearly hoping Umbrella would make good on his threat.

“May I have my nose back?” Umbrella asked me politely.

“Umm… yes. Most definitely.” I gingerly tossed him the red nasal ball. It was good to get the offending orb out of my hand. The desire to shove it up his ass was irrational and mean. I was better than that. I was Umbrella’s princess. A princess did not dismember the court jester for no reason. Period.

While beggars couldn’t be choosers, we had obviously made a poor choice in coming here. I’d tried multiple times to mentally reach out to my generals at the palace with no luck. The fact that Zeer had not replied was concerning. He’d been my right hand for the last fifty years. It didn’t bode well for my most trusted warriors being alive.

The tiniest part of me wanted to cut my losses and get the hell out of dodge. My father, the King, didn’t even want me in the violent Dominion. For the first time in my life, I had a chance at love and happiness. I wanted that. I wanted my Demon. I wanted to stop defending my life on a daily basis. That had gotten really old after a few centuries. However, shame and dishonor would destroy happiness. And it would be shameful to leave my people—as strange and as violent as they were. I was embarrassed by the weak thought, but I would own it and overcome it just like I’d overcome the need to rip Umbrella’s orange wig off his head and set it aflame. I would win. The alternative was unacceptable.

“Get up. All of you. Take a seat,” I instructed, waving my hand and cleaning up the nasty room. There were only so many dust bunnies a gal could stand.

“Ohhhh, pretty!” Sir Fane gushed, glancing around the sparkling clean and newly renovated living room.

The rotting furniture had been replaced by serviceable and masculine-looking pieces. The couch was navy and the armchairs were a nice rust-and-coffee-colored stripe. With a wiggle of my fingers, I treated the fabric with a stain-resistant solution. The boys were prone to bloodshed. Hopefully, the bloodstains could be easily removed. I opted for darker colors for the rugs and walls to hide the plasma splatters that were certain to occur.

“It’s agreeable,” Umbrella said begrudgingly.

Fred said nothing, just held his arm and glared at his roommates.

“I need you to update me on what has gone on in the time I’ve been abroad,” I said in a no-bullshit tone.

“I assure you, I have no idea,” Sir Fane said, fanning himself. “I have not left the flat in ages.”

“I’ve been in a crypt,” Fred volunteered.

“Bullshit,” Umbrella muttered.

Fred hissed. Umbrella snarled. Sir Fane started to cry.

I rolled my eyes.

“If you go at each other again, it will be the last thing you do,” I informed them with sparking fingers and glowing eyes. “I’m back for a reason. The Australian Dominion is about to get a facelift.”

“Good luck with that,” Fred muttered rudely.

I electrocuted him. Umbrella laughed and Sir Fane giggled. Once again, I sent up a prayer that Gene and Gunter would solve the riddles in one nap. Otherwise, there was a good chance I would have three fewer subjects in my screwed-up kingdom.

“Disrespect will get you incinerated,” I said.

“Your dirty Demons are crapping on the floor,” Fred said, throwing his hands in the air. “And I must add, I find it very inappropriate that you have brought Demons to our land.”

Fred was grinding my last nerve. While I seriously hoped that Gene hadn’t busted a grumpie on the floor, Fred had no right to question my judgement.

“There are already Demons in our land,” I ground out as Fred paled a bit and dropped eye contact. “That is precisely the reason I have Demons with me now.”

“The dirty Demons seem quite nice,” Sir Fane volunteered.

Pressing my temples and willing myself not to set the nicest of the three on fire, I eyed him. “We will not call them dirty Demons. It’s specieist and rude.”

Umbrella looked perplexed. “What should we call them? Unclean Demons? Unwashed? Contaminated?”

“Umm… no,” I said. “How about we call them by their names?”

“Yep,” Paris chimed in. “The cute little pirate is Gene. He’s the one who enjoys busting the grumpies. The gorgeous big guy in the kilt is Gunter—my True Mate. And the hot guy in charge is Leviathan. He’s Anastasia’s adopted son.”

I seriously wanted to punch Levi in the head. His lie had spiraled out of control. The shocked silence proved it.

“That makes no sense,” Sir Fane said. “His dreams tell quite another story. It’s all quite Oedipean if you ask me.”

“No one asked you,” I said flatly.

Fred mumbled to himself and Umbrella’s red-painted mouth was wide open.

“Leviathan the sea monster?” Umbrella asked warily.

“Yes,” I replied, watching him closely. He was the one who probably had the most information since Sir Fane had said he left the flat for weeks at a time. “You take issue with that?”

Umbrella shrugged in a noncommittal way. “No. But if he is truly Leviathan, the Demon will have trouble in our land.”

“Define trouble,” I ground out. While I was aware that Behemoth was in my Dominion, I wanted to know if Umbrella was aware of it, too.

Pulling a flyer out of his oversized shoe, he handed it to me. It was a bounty notice—ten million dollars for the head of Leviathan on a platter. It made me sick.

“Where did you find this and why do you have it?” I questioned the now uncomfortable clown.

“They’re everywhere,” he explained. “In every Dominion of the Vampyre world from what I hear.”

“Interesting,” I said coolly, crumpling up the paper and tossing it onto the coffee table. “And were you hunting the sea monster?”

Umbrella was silent. The answer was clear and despicable. My ire was difficult to disguise. The clown was about to die.

“Stand up, Umbrella,” I ordered harshly as Sir Fane squeaked in terror and Fred blanched. My hands sparked and my entire body glowed. A strong wind whipped through the room, knocking Umbrella’s curly orange wig off and revealing his bald head. Paris Hilton crawled under the couch. She was a smart little Vampyre. “I will say this once. If you so much as harm a hair on Leviathan’s head, I will end you violently. You will swear to me on your undead life that you will no longer hunt the sea monster for monetary reward… and I will know if you lie.”

Umbrella stared at me for a long moment, then shrugged. “Okay.”

“Okay?” I questioned him. “What the hell does that mean?”

“Okay, I won’t hunt the sea monster for ten million dollars,” he replied.

“Let him hunt me,” Levi said from the bottom of the stairs.

Levi’s tone was frightening. I had no clue how much he’d overheard. Obviously, he’d heard enough.

“Shall we take this outside?” Levi inquired in a tone that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. “It would be a shame to detonate the flat. Two of my friends are napping and I’d hate to wake them.”

“Said I wouldn’t hunt you,” Umbrella whispered.

“Heard that,” Levi said. “I don’t buy it. Besides, I’m not fond of clowns. It would be invigorating to tear you to shreds.”

Umbrella puffed out his chest and let his sharp fangs descend. “And if I win?”

“You won’t,” Levi said in an icy voice.

“But if he does?” Fred chimed in casually.

Levi eyed Fred until Fred dropped his gaze. “Are you deaf?”

“I am not,” Fred muttered.

Levi walked to the front door of the flat and opened it. “On the very outside chance that the clown wins, he gets ten million dollars. And if I win—which I will—he will remove his costume and get a new fucking profession. Period.”

“Forever?” Umbrella asked, horrified.

“Until the end of time,” Levi replied.

The requirements were slightly odd. I wasn’t sure what Levi wanted out of this. If he won the match, why take Umbrella’s pride and livelihood as well? I mean, the clown creeped me out, but it seemed excessive.

“Can we have a word?” I asked Levi.

He raised a brow and nodded his head. “Everyone outside. Now.”

Sir Fane, Fred and Umbrella hustled out of the door into the night.

Paris hopped up to follow them. She stopped in front of Levi. “O Great Evil Leader?”

“Yes?”

“Umbrella told the truth that he would stop hunting you,” she said. “I can tell.”

“I know,” Levi said.

“Then why are you fighting him?” She asked the question that was on the tip of my tongue.

“I have my reasons,” he replied.

Paris shrugged and skipped out of the flat. She was always up for a violent gathering.

Levi stared at me. I stared right back.

“Explain yourself, Demon,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and waiting.

“Kiss me, Vampyre.”

I tilted my head as my undead heart felt like it skipped three beats. The Demon could make me forget all reason. “Little risky to get busted kissing your mom.”

“How about no tongue?” he suggested with a sexy lopsided grin.

“I like tongue,” I shot back.

“So do I.” He leaned in and stole a kiss that made my toes curl. “Do me a little favor,” he whispered in my ear.

He could ask me anything right now and I would say yes. “Define favor.”

“Take some of my blood.”

His request surprised me. “Why?”

“Because it will make you stronger. And yes, I know you’re a Master Vampyre. But as powerful as you are, I’m still worried,” he said.

“Is this one of your sexist theories? Because I’m a woman I need a little extra help?” I asked, ready to electrocute him.

He chuckled and traced my lips with his fingertip. “Possibly,” he conceded. “But we could think of it like an Immortal vitamin—a little extra boost. The way I see it, there’s literally nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Let me do this. It will ease my mind.”

I stared at him. He wasn’t aware of the ramifications of my bite. “You make a fine argument, Demon. However, if I bite you, we’ll be mated. That’s irreversible.” My body felt like a live electrical wire. Excitement and terror coursed through me. The thought of being connected to Levi forever was my wildest dream come true.

Levi leaned against the wall and eyed me like he wanted to devour me. My brain went all mushy for a hot sec. “Works for me.”

“You can’t go back to Hell and burn. You’ll be stuck with me. Forever,” I told him, wanting to be very clear. Vampyres couldn’t live in Hell. And once we were mated, separation would cause madness.

“Works for me.”

He was nuts and I loved it. “We haven’t courted yet,” I pointed out.

“I recognize you, Anastasia,” he said in a voice that sent tingles skittering all up and down my spine. “I know your soul and I know mine. I don’t want to see another day without you. It wouldn’t make sense. For the first time in my life, I actually want to have a life and a future… with you.”

“That was really good,” I told him.

“I know,” he replied with a smirk. “It was also true.”

“Umm…” I laughed. “You don’t understand. After the mating bite, Vampyres have to have sex.”

“Works for me,” he repeated.

I smacked him in the arm. “You aren’t hearing me. From everything I’ve heard about Vampyre mating, it’s uncontrollable. Like we’ll have to bang.”

“I’m not a Vampyre,” he reminded me. “We will mate, then take a rain check on the banging until Behemoth is dead and we can get out of the horrific familial situation that my lie put us in.”

I rolled my eyes and laughed again. “Jokes are not your forte.”

“Understatement. Bite me—take my blood, Anastasia. I have no doubts about us. I will love you until the end. And since I’d like the end to be in the very far-off future, I want you to have my blood in your veins. Behemoth is a fuck and will try to destroy anything and anyone I love. I can’t live with that.”

“Can you live with blue balls?”

“Doing it as we speak,” he replied with grin that made me giggle.

Glancing down, I saw undeniable proof of his statement. The desire to put an end to his situation was intense and made me a little dizzy. However, anticipation could be the way to go. I’d waited hundreds of years for my Demon. I could wait a few days to bang him until neither of us could walk.

“Bite. Take blood. No banging,” I said aloud.

“You talking to me or you?” Levi inquired as his eyes turned red with lust.

“Both of us,” I said, leaning into the man who didn’t define me, but completed me in a way that made me a better and happier person. “Ready?”

“Born that way,” he replied.

As my fangs sank into his neck, a jolt of electricity and acute burning desire shot through me. I’d never experienced anything like it. Levi gasped and pulled my body flush with his. His breathing was labored and his arms felt like a vise around me. If I could have crawled inside him, I would have.

“More,” he insisted as he ground his body against mine. “Take more.”

I did as he asked and felt an unfamiliar power blast through my blood. It was erotic, painful and a feeling I could easily crave. The taste was as addictive as the Demon himself.

“Stop,” he moaned. “No more. Too much will screw with your system.”

“Don’t say screw,” I gasped out, pulling away with effort I didn’t know I possessed. “Don’t
say anything that sounds like sex.”

Levi banged the back of his head against the wall. His lips were pressed together so firmly, they turned white. “Good rule,” he said, clenching his fists at his sides. “My dick is about to explode.”

“Do not say dick,” I hissed and electrocuted him so I didn’t throw him to the ground, strip
him naked and bang his brains out.

“Again,” he ground out. “Electrocute me again. It helps take the edge off.”

“Only if you electrocute me back,” I bargained, firing off a gnarly shot of magic at him.

He returned the favor. It was an incredible relief. Slapping out the fire on my combat pants,

I tried to picture something gross and not sexy. Sadly, nothing came to mind.

“Here’s the deal,” he said, trying to get a grip. “We need a code word.”

“To electrocute each other?” I asked since my brain wasn’t firing on all cylinders at the
present moment.

“Yes.”

I shoved my hands into my pockets so I didn’t reach out and grab his ass. “Won’t that be
odd if we keep electrocuting each other?”

“Far less odd than having sex in front of people who think I’m your son.”

“Fine point. Well made,” I said with a half-laugh, half-groan. “Code word?”

“Umm… breast?” he suggested.

“Nope. Pecker?” I tried.

“Absolutely not,” he said with a pained grin. “Oral?”

“Not a chance. How about doggie style?” I tried, then slapped myself in the forehead. “Hard to think.”

“Pun intended?” Levi asked, pointing at his crotch.

“Yesssssss,” I replied, backing away. His crotch was entirely too tempting. “Blimey. Blimey
is the code word.”

Levi considered it, then nodded. “Works. It’s also kind of a dick deflator since I picture

Gene’s face.”

“Great. Blimey.”

Levi looked confused. “Were you repeating the code word or do you need me to electrocute you?”

“Both.”

My Demon obliged. He was a keeper.

“Back to reality,” I muttered, wiggling my fingers and electrocuting the man of my dreams one more time for good measure. He grinned and slapped out the flames.

“Thank you.”

“Welcome,” I said. “I think the electrocution is working. I feel kind of normal.”

“Roger that,” Levi agreed. “Just be ready to nail me when I need it.”

“Don’t say nail,” I warned him.

“My bad.”

It really was time to get back to business. If we didn’t bring down Behemoth, we might never get to the good part of being mated. “Now explain to me why you want to have a go at Umbrella.”

“I have a little issue with clowns,” he admitted sheepishly.

My brows shot up. “You have a clown phobia?”

“I might,” he replied.

I ran my hands through my hair and scrunched my nose. “I might have a little one too,” I told him. “But Umbrella has never tried to kill me.”

Levi nodded in appreciation. “Kudos to the clown. He shall live to see tomorrow.”

“You think dismembering a clown will help you get over the issue?” I asked, squinting at him. “He said he wouldn’t hunt you.”

“No, he did not,” Levi shot back. “The clown said he wouldn’t hunt me for ten million. The amount of omission in the statement was rather vague.”

He had a point. “Just promise me that you won’t end him. He’s the one who has been out and about. He might have information that we need. Remember… nothing is a mistake.”

Levi winked. “Your wish is my command, beautiful girl. I don’t entirely trust any of them, but Vampyres and Demons understand violence. It will take me about thirteen minutes to get all the respect I need.”

“Thirteen minutes?” I asked.

“Yep. Thirteen. My lucky number.”

I laughed. “Of course, it is.”

Levi was correct. Our kinds understood and respected might over right most of the time. I didn’t like it but had learned to accept it.

“Let’s go clown around,” I said, taking Levi’s hand in mine. “And remember, no killing Umbrella.”

“There are many things worse than death,” he pointed out as we walked out into the darkness.

“I know,” I told him, wanting him to really hear me. “That might be something you should consider.”

Today was one of the best and strangest of my life. I just hoped it would keep getting better instead of stranger.

12

Levi

Anastasia’s words stayed with me and bounced around in my head as we arrived at the field behind the flat. What I had said, I meant. There were many things worse than death. My life had been a deadly spiral into the darkness until the breathtaking Vampyre had walked into it. I could still taste her kiss on my lips and my pants were strangling my dick. I knew I would never get enough of her. Being mated felt more right than anything I’d done to date. However, I might not live to see tomorrow if I didn’t find the talisman and end the bastard Behemoth.

Unacceptable.

Focus. Focus on the now. When Gene and Gunter woke up, plans would go into motion. Until then, deal with the situation in front of me: the damned clown and my irrational fear.

My thought process was chaotic. Besides causing me a bad case of blue balls, Anastasia made me think. Did my fear of clowns make it right to demoralize Umbrella by forcing him to give up what he loved? How anyone would love being a fucking clown was beyond me. Holy Hell, having a conscience was getting annoying. Of course, there was nothing wrong with a little dismemberment. Limbs grew back. However, pride and self-worth were different.

My pride and self-worth had almost been destroyed by my father and Behemoth. The feeling was one I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Wait. Wrong. I wished it on Behemoth.

Shit. Life was easier when I didn’t care.

But it was also lonely and meaningless.

I had meaning now and had no plans to let it slip away.

“Are there humans in this vicinity?” I asked.

“Oh no, no, no,” Sir Fane assured me with fluttering hands. “Not for many years. It’s quite deserted here.”

“And why is that, Sir Fane?” Fred asked sarcastically.

Sir Fane glared at Fred.

Anastasia’s eyes narrowed. She stared at the trio and her blue eyes began to glow green. “There will be a discussion after the bloodshed,” she warned her people.

“As you wish,” Umbrella said respectfully.

Sir Fane hissed at Fred and Fred hissed right back. There was a story there, but I had no time for Vampyre bullshit. I was too busy having an internal fight with myself about Umbrella’s punishment and whether or not I needed to yell blimey. The clown’s deference to Anastasia made removing all of his appendages distasteful. If I was to stay on this path, I was going to lose my nards and my damned Demon card. Satan would have a heyday with my newfound sense of fairness. Whatever. The asshole would never know about it.

Or maybe I would tell him. It would piss off the son of a bitch.

“I’ve changed my mind,” I said before I could stop myself. The words felt a little sour in my mouth, but a profound sense of relief coursed through me. Anastasia’s smile made me feel like a damned hero. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for the woman. Her happiness trumped my need to lie and destroy by a long shot. Love was a very interesting concept. Turning to Umbrella, I eyed him for a long moment. “When I win, which I will, you will not be forced to give up your appalling vocation.”

“I won’t?” he asked, not trusting me.

The man wasn’t an idiot. I was a Demon. Trustworthiness wasn’t in the usual character description. “No. However, the wig, the nose and the big shoes have to go.”

“How about just the wig and the shoes?” he bargained.

I rolled my eyes. “This is not a negotiation, clown. You’re lucky I’m not taking the red lipstick and ridiculous tie.”

Umbrella nodded curtly. “Weapons? Magic?”

“Let’s make it interesting,” I suggested. “No weapons. No magic. Hand to hand.”

The clown sneered at me. “You’ll lose.”

“You think?” I asked, enjoying his ballsy attitude.

“I do.”

“We’ll see,” I replied.

The night felt wonderfully dangerous. A good bloody fight would make me forget the painful bulge in my pants temporarily. Not a star was seen and the moon hung in a thin silver crescent high in the jet-black sky. The terrain around the flat was open, somewhat rocky and sparsely grassed. For a stunning country, this particular section was strangely lifeless and unattractive.

Sir Fane was correct about the area being deserted. I didn’t detect a living human heartbeat anywhere. That was slightly odd since we weren’t all that far from Sydney, but I didn’t give it much thought. As dastardly as I was, I didn’t want to harm a human. They did enough harm to each other without my help.

“Will we have seconds?” Umbrella asked, his confidence growing.

“Sure. Why not?” I replied, feeling energized. “I’ll take Paris Hilton as my second.”

“Yesssssssss!” Paris squealed.

“And I shall take the gaping asshole, Fred,” Umbrella said.

“Fred has one arm at the moment,” I pointed out.

“It’s growing back,” Fred said, showing off his stump.

“I’ll still take the bitch goblin as my second,” Umbrella stated.

Their terms of endearment for each other were iffy. However, I’d been answering to the name shite stain as of late…

“But I don’t hit girls,” Fred grunted.

Paris dropped to a squat. Her fangs appeared, her eyes sparked and she began to growl. “I am not a girl,” she snarled. “I am a kickass Vampyre.”

Fred took a few steps back. “My mistake.”

“I should say so,” Paris snapped.

Paris Hilton was unhinged. I found her tantrums bizarre, but they might just come in handy this evening. Although, maybe not. There would be no need for a second.

“No death blows. Dirty fighting is allowed and encouraged,” Anastasia said with delight in her eyes.

My gal’s penchant for violence was wildly arousing.

“Blimey,” I called out, covertly adjusting the crotch of my pants. My gal came through with flying colors. I felt the electrical blast from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.

The silence from the ragtag crew was deafening as I smacked out the flames on my pants. I laughed.

“Not to worry,” I assured the group. “It’s how we show affection.”

“Between mother and son?” Umbrella asked, scratching his head.

“Umm… yes,” I replied. It was going to be a strange conversation when Anastasia and I eventually came clean.

“Weird, but nice,” Paris said. “I’ll try that with Gunter when he wakes up.”

“You do that,” I said with a chuckle as I heard Anastasia giggle. “Back to the matter at hand.”

“I’ve got it! I will fight like Mike Tyson!” Fred announced. “He’s famous.”

“You’re going to bite everyone’s ears off?” Paris Hilton asked.

Fred’s nose wrinkled in disgust. “I will not be fighting like Mike Tyson,” he amended.

“Good plan,” I said, barely holding back a laugh. There was one last caveat. The Vamps were sure to be displeased, but that was too bad. Normally, I wouldn’t do what I was about to do. However, it wasn’t just my life on the line anymore. My mate’s life was more important than mine.

“When I win, you will swear your fealty to me. All of you,” I added.

The three Vamps exchanged horrified glances. Being beholden to a Demon was serious business. As expected, they were not happy.

“We will have to follow the orders of a dirty Demon?” Sir Fane gasped out.

Anastasia rolled her eyes. “What did I tell you about that?”

“The answer is yes. You will follow the orders of a dirty Demon,” I said. I’d been called far worse. Names didn’t bother me. “For the time I’m in the Australian Dominion, you will be under my command.”

“And when you leave?” Fred asked warily.

“You are free.”

“And you take no issue with this?” Sir Fane demanded of Anastasia, fussing with his lacey cravat. The foppish Vamp was about to cry. “We are your subjects. Not his.”

“I take no issue,” Anastasia said evenly. “Leviathan is my partner.”

“Don’t you mean adopted son?” Umbrella corrected her.

I sighed dramatically. I was never going to tell a fucking joke again. It was the bite in the ass that kept on biting.

Anastasia grinned. “Umm… yes, because Leviathan is my adopted son.”

“Understood,” Umbrella said, bowing to his princess.

“Strange, but acceptable,” Fred agreed reluctantly, also bowing to Anastasia.

Sir Fane muttered under his breath, then bowed as well. He’d not uttered a word in agreement. Interesting.

Umbrella grinned at me. It was disconcerting with his big red lips, but this was a twofer. I was taking a page of Gene’s book and facing my fear head on—possibly a stupid move considering the source. More importantly, I couldn’t risk them going rogue and turning on me at the wrong time. My first goal was Anastasia’s safety. My second… Behemoth. With a blood oath from the Vamps, they’d have no choice but to follow orders.

“Ready?” the clown asked.

“Always,” I replied.

Umbrella was fast and violent—possibly a worthy adversary. He was also sloppy and his absurd shoes were not doing him any favors. Letting adrenaline guide you was a mistake—a stupid one.

Standing as still as a statue, I let the clown come at me. For a brief moment, my irrational fear of clowns almost kicked in. It was truly horrifying to witness a deranged undead freak barreling at me and wearing a getup that belonged in nightmares.

Moving to the left and sticking out my leg, I tripped the idiot and he went flying. I sighed. “For the love of everything pathetic. Is that all you’ve got?”

Umbrella roared. His fangs dropped and his fingertips became claws. That was nifty.

“Relax, asshole,” I advised. “Calm down and focus.”

“Is this a class or a smackdown?” Paris asked, confused. “I was hoping for some blood.”

I shrugged. The question was a good one.

“I will make you hurt, Demon,” the clown bellowed.

“Good luck with that,” I replied.

Again, he sprinted toward me. Again, he was sloppy and out of control. Backflipping out of the way, I landed with a scissor kick to his head, then knocked his feet out from under him and pinned him to the ground. My elbow slipped and landed on his red squishy nose. The crunch as the bones shattered was satisfying. However, the fact that the offensive red ball was obliterated was fucking glorious.

“This is a waste of my time,” I muttered, standing up and pulling the idiot to his feet. “Who taught you to fight and how are you still alive?”

“Eat me,” Umbrella grunted, stemming the blood flowing from his nose with his bow tie.

“I’d rather not. I hear clowns are chewy,” I shot back. Snapping my fingers, I conjured up a blindfold. “Put this on, jackass.”

“I don’t see how that would be fair,” Sir Fane pointed out.

“I don’t recall asking for opinions,” I snapped.

Sir Fane backed down immediately. Fred, on the other hand, tore off the arm of his seasons-old shite Prada knockoff jacket and blindfolded himself.

“I would like to participate,” Fred announced. “I shall fight like Jean-Claude Van Damme.”

“Who?” I asked.

“He’s famous,” Fred said as he brought his good hand up and held it in a martial arts-style pose.

“Got it. Go for it,” I said. At least he didn’t say he was going to fight like Jessica Simpson.

Anastasia and Paris Hilton sat down on some dilapidated lawn furniture and waited to see what would happen next. My reason for living winked at me and I figured I was doing good. It was entirely too easy to kick the clown’s ass. I was sure Fred would fare no better since he only had one and a half arms right now. Not to mention, he was a blindfolded idiot. That didn’t bode well for either of them being of any use to me.

“Your aggression is outstanding. Your skills are deplorable,” I said to the clown. “Who trained you?”

“Umm… no one,” Umbrella muttered.

“We applied for the Elite Guard of the Australian Dominion five times,” Fred offered. “But we were rejected.”

“Five times,” Umbrella added.

“Rejected by who?” Anastasia asked tightly.

“General Zeer,” Fred answered.

Anastasia wasn’t happy. She closed her eyes and pressed her temples. “That shall be remedied. The fact that you can barely defend yourselves is unacceptable.”

“It’s not as if we must defend our lives often,” Sir Fane pointed out. “Our Dominion is full of loner Vamps. We rarely see others of our kind. Our flat arrangement is quite unusual and mostly harmonious. If Fred would do his share of the chores, it would go swimmingly.”

Fred lifted his middle finger. Since the dolt was blindfolded, he flipped me off instead of the intended Sir Fane. I overlooked it. It would be counterproductive to set him on fire him when I was trying to teach him how to fight.

Anastasia nodded absently. “It’s irrelevant that you haven’t needed defensive skills. Our world is violent. So much needs to change here. If I could catch a break from having to defend my life on a weekly basis, I know I could make it happen.”

Her words made me want to incinerate something. Instead, I trained her dummies.

“You need to be able to feel the enemy without seeing the enemy,” I told them. “I would also suggest removing the large shoes. They’re a hinderance.”

“I like them,” Umbrella said.

“Do you also enjoy living?”

He scratched his head. “I do.”

“Then take off the damned shoes,” I said flatly.

He complied. We trained. Kind of. It took far longer than thirteen minutes.

After three hours, Fred had grown back his right arm and lost his left. Umbrella was moaning and groaning like an out-of-shape human, but got in an excellent jab that broke my nose. The clown was so damned excited, he lost his focus and his right leg when I retaliated. Both Vamps were a hot bloody mess.

“Can we take off the blindfolds?” Fred asked, punching the air around him with his good arm.

“Yes,” I replied, waving my hand and rendering myself invisible. It was a Demon trick that had served me well over the centuries. “Find me. Attack me.”

Both Vampyres looked around in confusion.

“But I can’t see you,” Fred shouted.

“Correct. You don’t need your eyes, idiot,” I replied, coming up behind him and swatting the back of his head. “Use your senses. Figure it out.”

Fred turned quickly and punched the air. He was truly hopeless. Umbrella, on the other hand, was not.

The clown had closed his eyes and let his senses roam. I smiled as I dodged a right hook that should have made me see stars.

“Find me,” I whispered in his ear.

The Vamp didn’t turn. He stayed still and silent. Then in an explosion of movement that rendered the freak almost invisible, he landed an upper cut to my chin that made me bite right through my lip.

“Outstanding!” I shouted, waving my hand and becoming visible. Blood poured from my mouth and I grinned from ear to ear.

Anastasia, Paris Hilton and Sir Fane clapped and cheered. Umbrella took a bow. Fred pouted.

“Lucky shot,” Fred muttered.

“Jealous much, bitch goblin?” Umbrella inquired as he pulled balloons from his large pocket and began making celebratory animals for all.

Anastasia stood and approached her men. “From this day forward, you are Elite Guards in training. I’d suggest learning as much from Leviathan as you can. And I will train you as well.”

The three Vamps dropped to their knees.

“General Zeer will not be pleased,” Sir Fane said, fanning himself in distress.

“General Zeer does not run this Dominion,” she ground out. “I do.”

As if on cue, everything went straight to Hell in a handbasket.

A sharp wind blasted through the field and the smell of death permeated the predawn morning air. Sensing a demonic presence, I centered myself and let my darkness come to the surface. I felt my eyes go red and my body begin to glow. I was beyond relived that Anastasia had my blood in her veins. Paris squatted low and growled like an animal. Anastasia shoved her three Vamps behind her. Her fangs dropped and her long blonde hair blew around her head.

She looked like a goddammed avenging angel. I almost shouted blimey, but what appeared in front of us was an excellent cock blocker.

Two very powerful Vampyres… and two batshit-crazy Demons showed up in a burst of gray smoke laced with black magic.

“Actually,” the Vampyre in the front said. “General Zeer does run this Dominion.”

Anastasia raised a brow and smiled. It was vicious… and seriously hot.

She paused for a long moment—just past the point of socially acceptable. Zeer held his head high and glared at her. I wanted to tear the bastard to shreds. However, I wasn’t about to undercut Anastasia’s authority. Not now. Not ever. That was the kiss of death. Of course, my mate was as deadly as they came, which made standing back a little easier. It would never be easy, but I was trying hard to get a handle on my tendency to be overbearingly protective. Or in my Vampyre’s words… my sexist tendencies.

“Interesting. When did that occur, Zeer?” she asked in an icy tone.

“Very recently,” Zeer snarled. “It’s time to say goodbye, Princess. The time has come for you to go. Permanently.”

Anastasia laughed. I closed my eyes for the briefest of seconds and tried to picture the old, profane Vamps, Martha and Jane, naked. I needed an erection deflator. It would be a bit distracting to kill assholes with a hard-on.

Anastasia laughed again.

My dick got harder.

Not a problem. I could bust ass with a boner. Where Anastasia was concerned, I could do pretty much anything.

13

Anastasia

The shock that I’d been betrayed by my most trusted generals faded when I realized that they were working alongside Demons. And not Demons like Leviathan, Gunter and Gene. The ones who had shown up oozed evil in a lethal and ugly way.

They had come to kill me.

They were going to be shit out of luck. It wasn’t on my schedule to die today.

“Paris,” I ordered. “Heal my men.”

“On it,” she yelled, dropping to the ground and throwing the tantrum to end all tantrums.

Umbrella’s leg grew back within seconds and Fred’s arm regenerated just as quickly. The shock that registered on the faces of the intruders was just the distraction I needed.

“Zeer is mine,” I said to Levi, who was literally shooting flames out of his eyes.

“That’s fine,” he hissed, standing right next to me. “I’ll take the rest.

“It would be fairer to split the difference,” I pointed out.

“True,” he agreed. “But I’m in a really bad mood right now. It would be incredibly helpful to kill some shit.”

“Understood. Have at it,” I told him.

Levi did not stand in front of me. He did not stand behind me. The Demon stood right next to me. His respect for me as an equal was clear.

“Leave one for me,” Paris Hilton growled, finishing her tantrum and preparing for a bloody brawl.

“I get Zeer. Paris, take out Vamp on the left, Kylon. Levi, take out the Demons,” I ordered. “Umbrella, protect Fred and Sir Fane.”

“As you wish, my liege,” the clown grunted, yanking Sir Fane and Fred to the ground, then sitting atop them.

Whatever worked.

What I expected was a fight—a dirty one. What I didn’t expect was Zeer to be enhanced somehow. There was a crazed look in his expression that I didn’t recognize. It occurred to me that he could have imbibed Demon blood… just like I had. Levi was my lover and my hero. I reminded myself to thank him later… as long as I lived to see later.

The standoff was electric. Adrenaline shot through my body and I waited for Zeer to make the first move. Bending my knees slightly and keeping my weight centered, I focused on my target. It broke part of my undead heart that I was about to kill one of my own, but it was what it was. From the looks of it, it was him or me. It was not going to be me.

I knew all of Zeer’s moves. I had taught them to him. The Vampyre had wanted something more between us for many years. However, I had not. I had been very aware he wasn’t my True Mate. He’d been my friend, or so I’d thought. And I never mixed business and pleasure.

Today was all business—deadly business.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked, staring down the traitor.

His smile didn’t reach his eyes. It was unfocused and off. “Ruling a Dominion is a man’s job. We no longer need a royal system. It’s antiquated and over. You are over. Soon your entire family will be our past history.”

“Fucker’s gotta go,” Levi muttered.

I agreed, but something told me to push. My gut had been what I’d lived by all my life. I was still alive, so I was going to follow my instincts.

“Say my name,” I demanded harshly. “Say it.”

“Ana…” he began, only to have the rest of the syllables get caught in his throat.

For the briefest of seconds, I saw my friend. It was fleeting, but he was there.

“He’s being controlled,” I told Levi under my breath. “Mentally, I think.”

“Doesn’t make him any less dangerous,” he said softly. “Possibly more dangerous. Do not make the mistake of letting the memory of someone who is no longer there lead to your own demise.”

I nodded. My Demon was correct. My desire to bring back what was gone would be like raising the dead and dying in the process.

“I’m going on three,” Levi said, so quietly I barely heard him. “Do not be alarmed by what I do. It will cause a distraction.”

I just hummed my answer low in my throat. There was no need to tip off the enemy.

Kylon sneered at Paris Hilton. “Give me a break. I could eat that tiny girly Vamp for lunch.”

“What did you say?” Paris asked so sweetly, Kylon grew confused.

“Nothing,” he snarled, gathering himself. “Get ready to die.”

Paris smiled at him and waved, then glanced over at me. “Can I kill him yet?” she inquired.

“In a sec,” I promised her.

Zeer, Kylon and the Demons roared with laughter. They were very stupid people.

Leviathan shifted his gaze to Paris. “Remember when I said no tantrums?”

The tiny, batshit-crazy Vampyre grinned, “Yes, O Evil One.”

“I rescind the order.” He arched a brow and whispered, “One, two, three.”

I was freaking glad he’d given me a warning. My Demon’s move would have scared the living daylights out of me if I hadn’t known insanity was coming. Since I was given notice that something unusual was going to occur, I simply grinned. Although, I did hear Sir Fane scream, Fred cry out and Umbrella shriek with fear.

Levi dove forward and literally exploded into a massive orb of fire and ice reaching so high into the sky, it looked like twelve in the afternoon outside.

“Hell to the yes!” Paris shouted as she dropped to the ground and rolled like a bat out of Hell towards a shocked Kylon.

Every blast of magic my former third-in-command threw at my crazy little buddy missed. It wasn’t until she knocked Kylon’s feet out from under him, pulled a wicked-looking katana from her scabbard and held it to his neck did the vicious Vamp realize his minutes were numbered.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Levi go for the Demons. He was a walking raging inferno. When the Demons realized exactly who they were dealing with, they disappeared in a blast of acrid black smoke. Levi roared in fury and exploded again.

Zeer’s calculating gaze took in the carnage. He began to back away from me.

“Leaving so soon?” I inquired as I transported over to him and blasted him with an electrocution he would never forget.

“You can’t win,” he ground out, taking the punishment and giving it right back.

“What happened to you?” I snarled as I shot a fireball at his head.

“I finally came to my senses,” he bellowed, trying to behead me with a throwing star. “I found a real leader to follow.”

I expertly dodged it. His words stung. Being a leader with little to no support from my murderous subjects was no walk in the park. I’d been consumed with staying alive and had let everything fall to pieces. That was yesterday. This was today. “You won’t win this battle, Zeer.”

Spittle covered his lips and his crazed eyes were filled with so much hatred, I was taken aback.

“I might not win this battle, but you will lose the war, whore,” he spat.

“Seriously?” I shouted. “Whore? I am many things, but I’m no whore. Bitch would be fine. Pushy bitch would be fine. Raging bitch is accurate. Violent bitch would work. Take your pick.”

I punctuated my fury with a right hook followed by an uppercut that sent him staggering back, clutching his throat. As I knew his moves, he knew mine. The fight was almost balletic. With each punch and roundhouse kick delivered, I felt his fury rise. I shot into the air and avoided a brutal right hook that was meant for my face. Dropping down behind him, I kicked his legs out from beneath him and knocked him to the ground.

With precise aim, I pierced his heart with my dagger.

“If you move even the slightest bit, you die,” I said emotionlessly as I stared at my one-time ally. “Who sent you?”

“No one,” he hissed. “I am the rightful leader. I have come to end your reign.”

“Bullshit,” I snapped, keeping the knife steady but ready to twist at any moment. “You’re not smart enough for that. I will ask you one more time and you will answer me. If you don’t or if you lie, it will be the last thing you do. Who sent you?”

Zeer’s eyes narrowed in hostility. I barely recognized him. “My savior Behemoth sent me,” he said flatly. “I may die, but he will destroy you, worthless bitch.”

“Don’t kill him,” Levi said coldly. “We’re going to use the weak fucker to send an old friend a message.” Levi was no longer a mass of flames.

His eyes and body still glowed menacingly, but he wasn’t on fire.

My Demon squatted down next to me and eyed Zeer with ire and distaste. “Behemoth is not your savior. If you follow him, I guarantee you will end up in the worst part of Hell.”

“You lie,” Zeer growled. “You don’t know the great Behemoth.”

Levi’s laugh was humorless and came from a dark, ugly place inside him. It was a heartbreaking and horrifying sound. Zeer’s bravado faltered for a second.

“I lie for a living,” Levi said. “But not today, asshole. Trust me, I know Behemoth.” Levi made himself comfortable on the ground and tweaked Zeer’s nose. Zeer couldn’t do a thing about the demeaning gesture. If he moved even a centimeter, he would be dust. “So where was I?”

“The part about Hell,” Paris reminded him, holding Kylon’s detached head in her bloody hands.

“Right,” Levi continued with a nod of thanks to Paris Hilton. “The Basement of Hell is really special. You’ll love it. Imagine this… burning in a fire that singes the skin from your body, boils your innards and scalds your blood. The smell is disgusting, but that’s nothing in comparison to the agony and the deterioration of your mind. And then right when you believe blessed death with take you from this eternal damnation… you heal. It’s a fucking miracle.” Levi’s smile sent chills throughout my body. “And then it will begin again, Zeer. Wash. Rinse. Repeat… until the end of time. That is what following your savior Behemoth will get you.”

My stomach churned. I knew Levi was talking about himself. My hatred for his father and Behemoth knew no bounds.

“Good luck with that, Zeer,” Paris Hilton said as Kylon’s head turned to ash and blew away in the wind. “Sounds like a really bad plan.”

“Your buddy there got off easy,” Levi said, referring to the dissipating ash. “You, on the other hand, not so much.”

“Kill me,” Zeer snarled at me. “End me. I can’t do this.”

“Do what?” I asked coldly. “Kill me? Betray me? Follow a soulless Demon to your own personal Hell? Which one is it, Zeer? I’m curious.”

“I’m not in control,” he said, horrified and defeated.

“I beg to differ,” Levi shot right back, patting his cheek condescendingly. “You were very much in control when you tried to end Anastasia.”

“Following orders,” Zeer spat.

“Irrelevant.” I shook my head sadly. “If you weren’t on your back with a dagger in your heart, you would have happily ended me. Correct?”

Zeer closed his eyes. Bloody tears leaked out the sides. I felt for the man I knew, but nothing at all for the traitor he’d become.

“Correct,” he whispered brokenly.

“You have a mind. You have a soul and a moral compass. You could have defied the orders, yet you didn’t,” I said. The Vampyre continued to cry. “As Levi requested, you will not die by my hand even though you deserve to. You will take a message back to your savior. I do not ever want to see you again. If I do, I will not be as kind.”

“I am sorry, Anastasia,” Zeer said.

“As am I,” I replied, carefully removing the dagger from his heart and making sure I didn’t shred it in the process. It was a tricky thing to do, but I was very, very good at it. “If you pull a stunt right now that harms anyone here, you can forget about Hell. It will seem like a field trip compared to what I will do to you. Am I clear?”

“You are,” Zeer said.

“Blimey,” Levi said.

Without looking away from my former general, I wiggled my fingers and electrocuted the love of my life. He really had it bad for me when I was vicious.

“Thank you,” Levi said, slapping out the fire on his shirt.

“Welcome.”

“You good?” he asked.

I smiled and nodded. “I am. I’ll let you know when I need an electrical volt.”

Levi snapped his fingers and produced a pen and a pad of paper. He jotted down a note and shoved it into Zeer’s pocket.

“Where is he?” Levi asked a shaken Zeer.

“Where is who?”

Levi rolled his eyes. “It would give me great pleasure to send you back to your savior minus all of your appendages. However, since you failed your mission and I know you will be beaten to within an inch of your worthless life, I’m being a nice guy. It’s a new thing for me, by the way.”

“I don’t know where he is,” Zeer said.

“Tedious,” Levi replied, leaning forward and ripping Zeer’s left leg right off his body with practiced ease. “You’ve got three more chances to get it right before you leave as a stump.”

Zeer winced in pain at the loss of his leg.

“I’d suggest you answer the question,” I told him, feeling sad and bad about all of this. “Leviathan means business.”

“He comes and goes from the palace,” Zeer admitted hesitantly. “When he leaves, I don’t know where he goes.”

“He’s telling the truth,” Paris Hilton said.

“I know,” I told her. Taking one last long look at a face that used to be dear to me, I waved my hand and transported the traitor back to my palace and his fate.

Paris, covered in blood and ash, squatted down next to me and patted my back. “Rough night.”

“Understatement,” I replied with a hollow laugh. “Everyone inside. Day is about to break.”

Umbrella, Fred and Sir Fane bowed to both Levi and me, then quietly went back into the flat. Paris kissed the top of my head and gave Levi a tight hug.

“Everything will be okay,” she said before she turned and walked away.

I glanced over at Levi. “Is she right?”

My Demon was pensive. “If she had stopped after the word be, then yes. As for the okay, it remains to be seen.”

It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, but the truth was always better than a lie.

“I have a question,” I told Levi, leaning on him.

“Ask.”

“Why didn’t I feel different in battle?”

“Not following,” he said, playing with my hair.

“I drank your blood. I’m not sure it gave me more power,” I explained.

“You were fighting a Vampyre,” he said.

“True. Is that important?”

Levi put his strong arms around me and pulled me close. There was nowhere else in the world I’d rather be.

“You won’t feel the Demon blood in your system until you battle a Demon. And I hope to Heaven and Hell that day never comes.”

“From your mouth to God’s ears,” I whispered, cuddling closer.

“Or Satan’s,” he added with a chuckle.

“I think you have a soft spot for your uncle the same as he does for you.”

“Wrong and wrong,” Levi said, standing up and offering me his hand. “He’s an evil son of a bitch, but he is damned powerful.”

“Pun intended?” I asked, taking his hand.

“Very much so.” Levi grinned. “It’s time to wake up the dummies. If Behemoth didn’t already know I was here, he will very shortly.”

“What did the note say?” I asked as we walked slowly back to the flat.

Levi sighed and raised a brow. “Word for word?”

“Yep.”

“Fuck you, motherfucker. Your days are numbered. Enjoy breathing while you still can. All my love, Leviathan—the sea monster.”

“Seriously?” I asked with a wince.

“Seriously,” he confirmed. “That was nice. Trust me, I could have been far more graphic.”

“I’m sure you could have.” I pulled him to a stop outside the front door. “I know we can’t bang yet because once we start, I’m pretty sure we won’t be able to stop. But I have an idea.”

“I’m all ears,” he said with a grin.

“If Gene and Gunter are still asleep, do you want to find somewhere private in the house to make out?”

“Hell to the yes,” Levi said as his grin grew wider. “The crypt in the basement is private and the door is heavy.”

“Umm… gross, but I’m in,” I told him.

Hell, he could have picked anywhere and I would have been in.

14

Levi

While I knew it was a good thing that Gene and Gunter were awake, a large part of me wanted to rip their heads off. It took a sharp glance of disapproval from Anastasia to dissuade me from my mission. Sadly, making out in the crypt was off the table. However, time was of the essence now that I’d fired the first metaphorical shot at Behemoth.

“Ahoy, ye bilge-suckin’ scoundrels!” Gene shouted, ambling into the living room with Gunter right behind him.

Gunter was grinning and slapping out flames on his head. Paris marched right beside him, watching him with besotted adoration. She had clearly blimey-ed the Demon.

“Don’t rightly know what kind of shenanigans ye lily-livered cod humpers have been up to, but the wee bloodsucker has made me aware of the new dingy danglin’ expression of love.”

On that confusing note, Gene the dumbass shouted “blimey” and electrocuted everyone in the room.

Anastasia threw her head back and laughed. While Sir Fane, Fred and Umbrella were aware of the new shock of endearment, it was altogether another thing to be on the receiving end. The three Vamps were on fire.

Waving my hand, I doused the occupants of the flat. It was fascinating how one stupid lie had morphed into a fucking nightmare with legs. “Let’s save that for special occasions,” I suggested to Gene.

“Aye,” he said. “Speakin’ of special occasions, I woke up from me nap before me arse, Gunter, and I made all of ye a surprise!”

“Ohhhhh,” Sir Fane said with his hands clasped tightly. “I adore surprises.”

“Yar gonna love this one,” Gene assured him, laying an array of knitted underpants on the coffee table. “I knitted ye grundies to thank ye for the hospitality. The purple lacey ones are for Sir Fane. The hot pink pair is for Fred. I used me nifty popcorn stitch on account ye used to sell the shite at the circus.”

“Very nice,” Fred said, picking up his underpants and admiring them.

“Soooo fancy,” Sir Fane said.

“And fer Umbrella,” Gene said, taking a cleansing breath and clearly pushing down his fear of clowns. “I’ve knitted ye a pair of clown grundies with a big red ball right where the pecker resides. It’ll match the one on yar nose!”

Umbrella got choked up and swiped at a tear. “I will be honored to wear a big red ball over my pecker. I’ve given up my nose ball, so this is a very thoughtful and generous gift indeed.”

And now I felt like an asshole. I’d made a grown clown cry by taking away his damned nose. Anastasia shot me an amused glance and I rolled my eyes. There was so much baggage that came along with being nice. At least I hadn’t made the man give up his vocation.

Gene patted the clown on his wig-free, bald head. “I’ll knit ye another pair with an even bigger red pecker ball. Would that make ye happy?”

“Yes,” Umbrella confirmed, clutching his knitted red-ball-peckered grundies to his chest. “Thank you, Gene.”

“Do I get a pair?” Paris Hilton asked.

“Of course, ye do,” Gene said. “I wouldn’t leave me bestie out of the booty.”

The pirate placed a few more hideous pairs of underpants on the table. “I knitted Paris and Anastasia lovely peach boy shorts and the shite stain gets the lime green banana hammock.”

I squinted at the idiot, then quickly sat on my hands so I didn’t set him ablaze. I’d read somewhere that the thought behind the gift was what counted. I was unsure if this was actually true, but wasn’t taking any chances.

“I’ll pass,” I said through clenched teeth. There was no way in Satan’s Hell I would put a lime green knitted banana hammock near my dick.

“Made it extra-large on account of yar huge package,” Gene volunteered.

I closed my eyes. At least he’d gotten something correct. Time for a change of subject. I didn’t want to discuss my package or the offensive lime green codpiece.

“Behemoth knows I’m here,” I told my men.

“Blimey!” Gene shouted with a shudder, then looked around in confusion when everyone ducked for cover. “Whoops, me bad.” He slapped his knee and laughed. “Maybe I’ll stop using the term unless I’m showin’ love.”

“Good plan,” Anastasia told the knit-happy Demon, popping up from the backside of the chair she’d hidden behind. “Behemoth and whoever is working with him have put up bounty flyers on Levi.” She walked over to the coffee table, then squatted down and searched underneath.

“You’ve seen Behemoth?” Gunter asked as his eyes turned a fiery red.

“Not yet,” I said.

Gunter growled. “The son of a bitch wants your head on a platter. Not happening.”

“The flyer was right there.” Anastasia pointed to the coffee table, then glanced around the room. “I put it there.”

“Did it end up in a pair of grundies?” Paris asked, checking hers.

Everyone checked their knitted underpants. None held a flyer. Not a surprise to me.

“Was there a nice picture of me on it?” I inquired. “I’d hate it if the bastard used a bad shot. Although, I’m such a handsome Demon, not sure I could take an unflattering picture.”

“Soooo humble.” Anastasia rolled her eyes, grinned then looked around once more. “There was no picture on the flyer—but there was a phone number. Dammit, I’m sure I put it on the table.”

Someone had pocketed the flyer. The question was who? And why? Gunter and Gene were staring at me like I’d grown a second head. I gave them a curt nod. Both men returned it then looked away. My boys were not as stupid as I’d originally thought.

Fred shrugged. “The flyer must have been thrown away,” he said.

“True, true,” Sir Fane agreed.

“We could check the trash,” Paris suggested.

“Garbage pickup already came—heard them about five minutes ago,” Umbrella informed the group. “If the flyer ended up in the trash, it’s long gone. I’m sure I could find another. They’re posted at all the super-secret Immortal bars in Sydney.”

“No need,” I said, knocking Umbrella to the bottom of the suspect list. He wasn’t off the list, but he was in second place. Sir Fane and Fred were tied for first at the moment. While I didn’t think they would turn on Anastasia, I wasn’t so sure they wouldn’t turn on me. They hadn’t yet sworn their fealty to me with a blood oath, but now I wanted to wait and see if anyone tripped up. It there was an enemy within, he was as good as dead. For real dead.

“How was your nap?” Anastasia asked Gunter, moving back to the matter at hand.

“Good, good. Very nappy and good and nappy,” Gunter said, vaguely.

The huge Demon glanced around the room with his forehead wrinkled in thought. The result of whatever was about to come out of his mouth could be terrifying.

“Would you like to tell us about your nap?” Anastasia pressed, perplexed by his behavior.

“Umm… yes,” he replied hesitantly. “But I was wondering if I could get a bite to eat? Hard to think on an empty stomach.”

“Ohhhh dear,” Sir Fane said, wringing his hands in distress. “We haven’t a thing in the pantry.”

“We don’t eat food,” Fred pointed out.

“Aye, ’tis a dreadful situation.” Gene staggered over to a chair and fell onto it as if he was dying. “If I don’t have sustenance soon, I’ll be feedin’ the fish.”

“Oh no, Gene! My best mate in life,” Gunter cried out. “I don’t know what I’ll do without you.”

“Don’t ye worry about me, ye green-gilled tar stain,” Gene said, shaking his head sadly. “I’ll be just fine at the bottom of the sea in Davey Jones’ locker.”

I raised a brow and wondered what the hell they were up to. As long as no one actually died, I’d let them continue for a bit.

“We must go buy food. For the love of everything selfless and wonderful, Gene just knitted underpants for all of us! He must be starving. We have to get him food. Immediately,” Umbrella announced frantically. “Umm… can someone spot me a twenty?”

“We don’t have any money since you lost all of it for us,” Fred reminded Umbrella. “Do WOW CHIPS ring a bell?”

Umbrella’s fangs dropped and he stomped his feet. “I made a mistake, bitch goblin. Sue me.”

“If you had any money, we would,” Sir Fane muttered.

“I prefer me vittles hornswaggled,” Gene choked out pathetically, sliding lower in the chair. “Everything tastes better if it’s pilfered.”

Sir Fane clutched his chest and squeaked like a girl. “You want us to steal food?”

The Vampyre was horrified. However, Fred and Umbrella looked intrigued.

“I have money,” Anastasia said, reaching into her pocket.

“Nay, lassie,” Gene choked out, standing up then dropping to the floor dramatically. “Keep yar hard-earned dollars. I need a Big Mac. I need a stolen Big Mac or I might not make it.”

“Oh my goodness,” Sir Fane cried out, helping Gene back into the chair. “Of course, we’ll steal you a Big Mac, and one for Gunter and Leviathan too. I do believe there’s a McDonald’s a half hour away. Would anyone like some stolen fries?”

Gunter raised his hand. “I would love some fries and a chocolate milkshake if it’s not too much trouble.”

“No trouble at all,” Fred said, writing the order down on his hand.

“I’ve never stolen anything before,” Umbrella said, getting excited.

“Except all of our money and then threw it away on terrible investments,” Fred muttered. “Should we transport or drive.”

“Do any of you know how to drive?” Anastasia asked, a little alarmed at the direction the plans were headed.

“I do!” Sir Fane announced. “It’s been about a decade or three since I’ve driven, but I’m quite sure I can manage it for dear Gene.”

Gene was a shitty actor, but the Vamps were buying the crap he was selling. I knew what he and Gunter were trying to accomplish. The idea held merit. The method to make it come to fruition was ludicrous. However, it was also amusing.

“We’ll go at once,” Fred said. “Hang on, Gene. Pilfered food is coming.”

“Aye,” Gene gasped out on a choked whisper. “Yar good men to help a starvin’ Demon.”

“Move it,” Umbrella ordered. “We must hurry.”

After fifteen minutes of profanity and blame shaming while the Vampyres searched the flat for the car keys, I’d almost had enough. If the hunt for the keys had gone on much longer, they would have been dust.

“Do you think they’ll get arrested?” Anastasia asked when they’d finally left.

I shrugged. “It’s a distinct possibility. However, we need privacy to talk. I don’t trust any of them.”

“Even Umbrella?” she asked.

“For a clown, he’s not that bad. However, there’s far too much at stake to take any unnecessary risks.”

“I agree,” she said. “You’re hot when you go all businesslike.”

“Blimey,” I said, wanting to throw her over my shoulder and get down to business.

My gal blasted me good. Anastasia, the Princess of the Australian Dominion, was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

I was one lucky Demon. Now I just needed to stay that way.

* * *

After twenty minutes of going over the Demon’s dreams, I couldn’t make sense of them. I punched Gunter in the head when he took a little detour and went into graphic detail explaining what he’d dreamt about doing sexually with Paris Hilton once they’d mated. It was either punch him or decapitate him. I figured I was being nice by just dislocating his jaw.

“The answers aren’t necessarily helping,” I said, running my hands through my hair in frustration.

“Go over it again,” Anastasia urged.

Paris had solved the first puzzle before we’d left for Australia, and the Demons had managed to solve two of the riddles while they napped. Which meant there was still one left unsolved. However, even though I had some of the puzzle pieces, they were not fitting together.

“Yes,” I agreed. “Go over the answers again.”

“Of course,” Gunter said. “As already established, my Snookie Poodle Squishy Cookie solved the first riddle.”

“I did,” Paris said proudly, sitting on Gunter’s lap and braiding his shock of red hair. “Shall I repeat the riddle and the answer?”

“Yes,” I said tightly. Maybe there was more to each riddle than met the eye.

Paris complied. “It has no feet, no hands, no wings, but can climb high into the sky. Look for this. It will lead you to where you will find what you seek… The answer is smoke. Smoke will lead us to the spot where the talisman is hidden.”

“So smart,” Gunter gushed, cuddling the psychotic Paris Hilton close and cradling her like a baby.

“I love you Boopy Moopy Popsicle Pie,” she squealed.

“Love you more, Bubble Sugar Bunny Numnums,” Gunter shouted.

“Okay,” I said, gritting my teeth. “You are making it really fucking difficult not to kill you. That would be extremely counterproductive right now. So, while it’s normally very out of character for me, I’m going to give both of you another warning. If you continue on the cringey names path, you will lose an appendage each time you spit one out. Got that?”

Paris giggled. “Yessssss, O Great Evil Leader. Being in love is very good for you.”

I stared at her. “I’m sorry. What?”

She rolled her eyes. Gunter and Gene chuckled.

“Shite stain,” Gene said, shaking his head. “Ye’ve had a boner the entire time we’ve been in Australia. Ye ain’t foolin’ us. We know the lassie is yar True Mate.”

“You do?” Anastasia asked, as surprised as I was. “I thought we were being discreet.”

“Can’t hide love,” Gunter pointed out, kissing the top of Paris Hilton’s head. “But the adoption ploy was clever.”

Paris pumped her arms over her head. “Actually, I suggested that one to give Levi an easy out,” she revealed. “I’m good like that.”

“You’re good at everything,” Gunter told her.

Paris squealed with delight and Gunter looked like the cat who’d swallowed the canary. Love was indeed a strange thing.

“I do believe you might be right, Gunter,” Anastasia said, winking at a grinning Paris. “However, the Vampyres do not know. It’s in our best interest that it stays that way for the time being.”

“I agree,” I said, walking over to Anastasia and taking her into my arms. If the cat was out of the bag, I could finally kiss my mom.

I did. It was perfect.

“Blimey,” she said with a sexy little moan.

“Double blimey,” I answered.

Gene, Gunter and Paris took the matter into their own hands and electrocuted the living daylights out of us. It was painful and incredibly helpful.

“Thank you,” I said.

“T’was fun,” Gene said. “I’ll electrocute ye anytime ye want me to.”

“Good to know,” Anastasia said, swatting out the fire. “Paris, is it possible there’s more than one answer to the riddle?”

Paris shrugged. “Not that I can think of.”

“Gunter and Gene, start talking,” I instructed. “Not sure how long it will take the Vamps to steal food.”

“Aye,” Gene said. “Riddle number two—ye will find the talisman buried in a bank that has no money, where no bank—in the normal sense of the word—should exist. Me dream was a little fuzzy, but I saw a riverbank surrounded by rock walls. T’was daytime but it was dark by the water. Sun seemed to be peekin’ through a hole at the top of the rocks. Little strange if ye ask me, but that’s what I saw. Methinks the talisman is buried in the bank of a river surrounded by stone walls.”

Again, it was like a needle in a fucking haystack.

“Gunter, you’re up.”

The enormous Demon cleared his throat. “What you seek has no flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet strangely, it has fingers and thumbs of its own. Whomever finds it first shall win… What you seek is a glove.”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” I muttered. “A glove?”

“A glove,” Gunter confirmed. “In my dream I saw it in a box. Make sure no one touches the box except you. It’s your box.”

“No one can touch my box?”

Gunter nodded. “Correct. No one can touch your box.”

“Kinky,” Paris said with a giggle.

“Blimey,” Anastasia said with a laugh.

I grinned and electrocuted her.

“Just so you know,” she said with a smirk. “You can always touch my box.”

“Blimey,” I said, letting my head fall back on my shoulders as my dick was getting strangled in my pants.

I was electrocuted by everyone in the room. It was damned good to have friends.

“The only unsolved riddle is the last,” I said, hoping to hell and back that one more nap would be all that was needed. I’d thrown down the gauntlet with Behemoth. I may have made a very grave mistake.

“Aye,” Gene said. “Ye will find yar power in something that is in everyone… sometimes on everyone. If it surrounds certain beings it can kill. We didn’t dream about that one yet.”

I stood up and paced the room. “So, minus the fourth riddle, here’s what we’ve got so far. The glove is buried in a box on the bank of a body of water with rock walls, and smoke will reveal the location?”

“Aye,” Gene said, removing his pirate hat and scratching his head. “Little convoluted.”

“Satan is a dick,” I muttered, pissed off. “He’s screwing with me.”

If I was in Kentucky, I would have guessed Mammoth Caves. However, I was not in Kentucky. I was in a country unfamiliar to me. But not everyone was unfamiliar with the country…

“Anastasia, you have anything?” I asked.

“I have some thoughts,” she said, looking pensive. “But go back over the conversation with Satan. Was there anything unusual? Anything that sticks out in your mind?”

“Other than the four riddles and that he’s an asshole?” I asked.

“Yep, other than that.”

Thinking back on the conversation, I tried to remember if he mentioned anything odd.

Wait. Although, it most likely had nothing to do with anything, the way the Devil was dressed was an anomaly. I’d never seen him sporting anything other than Armani or Prada.

“He wanted me to take his coat. He offered it to me several times,” I said.

“Did ye take it?” Gene asked.

“No. I didn’t. I refuse to owe him anything. There’s a price to everything the man does and I didn’t want to pay it.”

“Was it a nice coat?” Gunter asked.

I sighed heavily. “Yes, it was a nice coat.”

“Shite Prada?” Gene questioned.

“No.”

“Armani?” Gunter guessed.

“No.”

“Still say ye should have taken it,” Gene said. “Yar a frigate-dodging riffraff not to take a nice coat. What kinda peg-legged bow bungler are ye?”

I electrocuted the idiot. It couldn’t be helped.

The dummy just laughed.

I zapped him again. “A word from the wise, do not ever take a gift from the Devil. It will not end well.”

“He can be nice,” Paris Hilton said.

“Define nice,” I snapped, not wanting to argue the merits of the Devil’s character.

“He loves Astrid and Samuel,” she pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. “My sister and her son are very lovable.”

“So are you,” Anastasia said, then held her hand up so I didn’t argue. “What kind of coat was it?”

“A sheepskin coat,” I replied, thinking this was a waste of time. Gene and Gunter should go back to sleep. Maybe the answer to the fourth riddle would make the other three make sense.

Anastasia’s lips curled into a smile. “Bingo.”

I raised a brow and waited.

“I understand where the talisman is,” she said, getting excited. “Not the exact spot, but the general vicinity.”

The day was looking up.

Finally.

15

Anastasia

With a clap of my hands, I conjured up a map of Australia. Wiggling my fingers, I highlighted the area I had in mind with a golden glow. The largest clue wasn’t in the riddles at all. Of all things, it was in a coat. Levi might believe that Satan had it out for him, but I disagreed. It was ridiculous that the ways of the Immortal world were so cryptic, but it was the way it was. It was a waste of time and energy to be angry that nothing in our world was straightforward.

“Ready for a little history lesson?” I asked.

“Well shite, will there be a test?” Gene asked, worried.

“Umm… no,” I said. “No test.”

“If Anastasia changes her mind, we can cheat,” Gunter assured Gene.

“You can copy off of me,” Paris promised, kissing Gunter’s nose.

“Cake holes. Close them,” Levi warned the trio. “Anastasia, go on please.”

“Right,” I said, grinning. Demons were the most delightful of species and Paris Hilton was fast becoming one of my favorite Vamps. “Has anyone heard of the Great Artesian Basin?”

“Ohhhh, I have,” Paris said. “It’s one of the largest underground freshwater sources in the world.”

“Correct,” I told her. Paris was a never-ending surprise. “It’s estimated to hold at least sixty-five million mega-liters of water. That’s about a hundred and thirty thousand Sydney Harbours, to give you an idea of how big it is.”

“What part of the country is in under?” Levi asked.

I pointed to the map on the coffee table. “It spans about one-fifth of the continent. It lies beneath parts of the Northern Territory, Queensland, South Australia and New South Wales.”

“Your palace sits atop the Artesian Basin” Levi asked, looking at the map.

“It does,” I confirmed.

“How deep is it?” Gunter inquired.

“Almost ten thousand feet deep. The basin provides drinking water to many of the communities in the Outback.”

“Is it safe to drink?” Levi questioned.

“Yep,” I replied. “Smells like rotting eggs and comes out at boiling temperatures, but if you let it sit for a while then hold your nose, it’s drinkable.”

“Shite,” Gene said with a gag. “Sounds like the rum in Hell.”

Levi was lost in thought. “That much water could probably submerge all the land on the Earthly plane.”

“Correct again,” I said with a smile. “However, it’s staying underground.”

Paris raised her hand. “I find all of this very interesting, but I don’t see how it connects.”

“Stay with me,” I told her. “Because of the basin, we have very unusual sinkholes in Australia.”

“Did ye say stink holes?” Gene inquired.

Gunter smacked him in the head. “She said sinkholes—not stink holes.”

“Thank you, Gunter,” I said with a chuckle.

“At the risk of gettin’ me head punched again,” Gene said, scooting away from Gunter. “Do the stink holes stink?”

“The sinkholes do not stink,” I said. “They’re breathtaking. It’s a whole different world in the underground caves. Under the water, it’s as close to feeling like you’re in outer space that one can experience. Human divers come from all over the world to dive in the caves.”

Levi’s brow shot up. “You swim, Vampyre?”

“I swim, Demon,” I replied. Most Vampyres weren’t fond of the water even though we could hold our breath forever since we didn’t breathe. Vamps were far more likely to fly than swim. “The sinkholes are one of the very few places I can find peace in my violent land. One in particular that I love has crystal-clear water lit by the rays of the sun that bleed through from the opening at the top.”

“Interesting,” he said.

“Do you swim?” I asked him.

Gunter and Gene guffawed like I’d just made a brilliant joke.

“The shite stain is the sea monster!” Gene grunted though his laughter. “Of course, the mutiny-minded pantaloon splinter can swim.”

“As the dumbass so eloquently put it, yes, I swim,” Levi confirmed with the beginnings of a smile pulling at his beautiful lips. “And where might one find one of the sink holes?”

“Funny you should ask,” I replied, feeling giddy. “There are a few that I know of right in the middle of fields… on farms… sheep farms.”

“HOLY SHIT!” Paris shouted, gleefully pointing at Levi. “Satan loves you too. He gave you all the hints. Bet he didn’t do that for Behemoth.”

“Do you know that as fact?” Levi quizzed Paris.

“Umm… no,” she admitted.

“Then I’d suggest keeping your bullshit hypothesis to yourself,” he said coldly.

Paris Hilton was crushed. “Sorry, O Great Evil Leader.”

“Rude,” I muttered, deciding to have a private chat with my Demon about being a little nicer to those who were on his side. Right now wasn’t the time. Levi did have a point. The delivery had sucked, but Satan very well might have given the land monster the clues as well. The Devil was known for being a shit starter. “Time is wasting. We have enough information to make a plan.”

“What about the fourth riddle?” Gunter asked.

I looked to Levi. He was the one in charge of going after Behemoth. Normally, I made all of the decisions. Having a partner was cathartically life changing. I just hoped we had a life a few days from now.

Levi stared at the map for a long moment. “Show me the area where the sheep farms with the sinkholes are, please.”

I pointed to an area in Queensland. “There are about a half dozen there. Give me a sec and I’ll find the coordinates.” Pulling out my phone, I went quickly to work.

“Gunter and Gene, you will stay here and nap,” Levi instructed. “Paris, you will come with me.”

“Wait. Who will protect Gunter and Gene while they sleep?” Paris asked.

“I will,” I said.

Levi closed his eyes and pressed the bridge of his nose. He’d obviously pulled the plan out of his ass and hadn’t thought it through. I was aware he was warring with himself about my safety. We didn’t have time for macho bullshit.

“Here’s the deal,” I said flatly. “We’re mated. If you die, I die. I’m seriously not in the mood to die. So, instead of thinking of me as a helpless woman, I’d suggest you remember that I’m a Master Vampyre.”

“I find your skills unmatchable and your violent tendencies outstanding,” he said, then sighed dramatically.

I wanted to headbutt him.

“Prove it,” I snapped. “Prove to me I won’t have to fight you for authority like I’ve had to fight everyone else in my life. Don’t tell me you believe in me. Show me.”

“Hell, Anastasia,” he said. “I’m doing my best.”

“Do better. If you don’t find the talisman, we can’t slay the beast. If the boys can’t find the last clue in their dreams, the talisman might be no good to us even if you find it. While you know I’m correct, if you have a better plan, I’m all ears.”

“They know where I am,” Levi pointed out with his fists clenched so hard at his sides his knuckles had gone white. “They will come back.”

“And if they do, you won’t be here,” I said. “No one but the people in this room know that we’re mated. Behemoth has no clue what I mean to you or what you mean to me. Plus, the Vampyres will be here.”

Levi groaned. “They’re of no assistance. They can’t fight for shit.”

“Aye,” Gene said. “But me arse and me can fight. Anastasia can wake us up if we’re needed.”

Levi ran his hands through his hair, then pulled on it. The Demon was torn.

“Let me start by saying that this is killing me,” he said through clenched teeth. “However, you are correct. The plan is solid and I’m being an overbearing ass.”

“Thank you,” I told him.

“Heads up,” he said with a raised brow. “I will always be an overbearing ass. I’m a Demon. It’s a given.”

I laughed. I wanted to tackle him to the floor and kiss him silly. “Well, considering I find your overbearing ass wildly attractive, I can work with it.”

“Question, O Great Evil One and Kick-ass Master Vampyre,” Paris said, taking pictures of the map with her phone. “Wouldn’t it be smart to have at least one of the Vamps with Levi and me? I mean, I can read a map, but speed is important right now. Someone who knows the terrain could be useful.”

Astrid had been more than correct about the nutty little Vampyre being an asset. “You’re right,” I said. “Take Umbrella.” At this point, I trusted him the most to have Leviathan’s back. “Besides,” I added, “the clown is the best flier of the three. He knows the country better than Sir Fane or Fred. He’s always been a wanderer.”

“And he can swim,” Paris announced. “Umbrella did an underwater act way back in the day. Freaked people out. He stayed submerged for days at a time.”

“One of the gifts of being undead,” I said, shaking my head. Umbrella was missing many screws, but I was sure he was familiar with the territory.

“Stand up,” Levi commanded Gene and Gunter. “While I firmly believe Anastasia can handle herself in any situation, I would just like it to be stated that I will peel your skin from your bodies, boil you, dismember you, then revive you, repeating the process over and over, if any harm comes to my mate.”

“Sounds reasonable,” Gunter said, nodding.

“Aye,” Gene agreed. “But if it were me, I’d add gouging out the eyeballs and disembowelment as well.”

“Definitely more violent,” Paris chimed in approvingly. “Maybe a few bamboo shoots under the fingernails and defanging.”

Gunter grinned with pride. “Brilliant. My gal is freaking brilliant.”

“Are all of you insane?” I asked, squinting at them.

“Nay, lassie,” Gene said with a chuckle. “There ain’t no way in Satan’s Hell we would let anything happen to ye. We’re just having a little fun.”

“I’d hate to hear what your idea of not fun would entail,” I muttered, writing the coordinates onto the map and handing it to Levi. “You ready?”

“Yoohoo!” Sir Fane yelled, bustling into the flat with an absurd number of fast-food bags. “We’re back.”

“Not quite ready,” Levi said with an eye roll. “Follow my lead.”

I rolled my eyes right back at him. Last time I’d followed his lead, I’d ended up as his mother. Whatever. I’d follow the Demon to the end of the world. Following his lead was a no-brainer.

* * *

Something was wrong—very, very wrong. I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

“Best damned pilfered Big Mac I’ve ever eaten,” Gene announced, patting his belly.

I’d watched in utter shock as Gene and Gunter downed six Big Macs apiece and then inhaled the fries, followed by slamming back the chocolate shakes. I wasn’t sure anyone had even chewed. It was appalling.

“Manners much?” I asked with a wince.

Gene burped. Levi set him on fire. Even Levi was horrified by his men’s dinner decorum.

Shaking my head, I pushed the visual of Demons eating fast food to the back of my mind, never to be visited again. The clock was ticking. The Heimlich Maneuver wasn’t on the schedule.

Levi glanced over and gave me a loaded look. He was aware something was off as well.

Umbrella’s eyes were enormous while he’d watched the Demons eat. Fred was as white as a ghost and Sir Fane was strangely subdued.

“Would you three like to share your pilfering experience?” I asked. I wasn’t a big fan of stealing. However, I had plans to reimburse the McDonald’s ASAP. Plus, we’d needed privacy.

“Not really,” Fred mumbled.

“Nothing to tell,” Sir Fane said quickly.

Umbrella shot Sir Fane a vicious glare.

There was a story there—possibly a horror story. “Spit it out.”

“Ahhhh, the irony,” Fred hissed at Sir Fane.

“Shut up,” Sir Fane snapped. “We got the food, didn’t we?”

My eyes narrowed. “What exactly happened when you got the food?”

“Ask him,” Umbrella grunted, pointing at Sir Fane.

Sir Fane made the international zip-the-lip motion and mimed throwing away the key. I rolled my eyes. Disobeying was going to result in loss of limb.

“Someone start talking,” I said as Levi stood and moved to my side. He didn’t say a word. His silent support spoke volumes to me… and the Vampyres.

“Fine,” Fred huffed. “After we had a simply lovely time stealing Big Macs, Sir Fane took care of the aftermath.”

“What do you mean Sir Fane took care of the aftermath?”

Fred traded a wary glance with Umbrella. Umbrella shrugged in disgust. Sir Fane examined his manicure. None of it boded well.

“Would you care to know why there are no humans in the area?” Fred inquired.

“Fairly sure the answer is no, but I’ll go with a yes,” I said, feeling my eyes turn bright green with displeasure.

“Trust me, stick with no,” Umbrella said.

“I want to know,” Paris announced.

“So be it,” Fred said. “There are no humans in the area because Sir Fane took care of them.”

Levi’s brows shot up in surprise. I was sure my expression matched his.

“Define took care of them,” I growled at Sir Fane.

The Vampyre threw his hands in the air and flashed his flatmates some fang. “It was nothing—just a little accident. I had only intended to take a nip-nip, but…”

“But?” I asked coolly. It was against international Vampyre law to take the life of a human. We didn’t need to drain a human to eat. Ever. There were some old school Vamps who bitched and moaned about the law, but my father, the King, wasn’t playing around. There was a reason we were still alive—or rather undead—today. Vampyres were believed to be fiction. A pile of drained human bodies could lead to a shitshow of pitchforks and silver stakes.

“But he was greedy,” Umbrella said. “Ate the entire surrounding community.”

Paris’ mouth fell open. Gunter growled low in his throat. Gene walked right over to Sir Fane and snatched back the purple lacey grundies he’d made for him. Levi shook his head in disgust. I electrocuted the stupid, selfish Vampyre.

“Unacceptable,” I hissed, waving my hand and creating a solid sliver cage around the murderer. “We do not use and abuse humans.”

“Tell that to the people at McDonald’s,” Fred said. “Oh wait, there aren’t any more humans at McDonald’s.”

“Are you kidding me?” I shouted. “You drained the McDonald’s workers?”

“And the customers,” Umbrella added.

“They saw us,” Sir Fane said in a frantic high-pitched squeal. “We could be identified in a lineup.”

I electrocuted him again. “You have mind-wiping abilities. You have transporting abilities. What were you thinking?”

Sir Fane’s chin dropped to his chest and he began to cry. It didn’t move me one little bit. Unprovoked murder was off limits and punishable by death.

“How many?” I ground out.

“Eleven,” Sir Fane whispered.

I closed my eyes and willed myself not to go ape-shit on him. “You will be tried in Vampyre Court,” I said in a tone so icy, even I shivered.

“I am so sorry, my Liege,” Sir Fane sobbed. “I didn’t mean to harm anyone. I can’t control myself. It’s why I never leave the flat.”

“Sorry does not cut it,” I said. “You’re nine hundred years old. You know better.”

Sir Fane curled into a ball in his silver cage and continued to cry.

“That was unexpected,” Levi said, shooting the whimpering Vampyre a look that sent him into a fresh round of hysterics.

“My Dominion may as well be Hell,” I said. “It’s my fault. I’ve failed my people.”

“Are you dead?” Levi asked.

I squinted at him. “Is that supposed to be a joke?”

“Nope. Legit question. Are you?”

“I’m undead,” I said, not following.

“Not what I asked,” he said. “Are you dead?”

“I’m not.”

“Then it’s not too late to make it right,” he said with a tight smile. “And speaking of making it right, I’d like to do a little sightseeing.”

“What?” Fred asked, confused. “Now?”

“Yes, now,” I answered for Levi. “Fred, I’d like you to stay here with me and keep an eye on Sir Fane.”

Fred bowed. “Yes, my princess.”

“I’m not up for sightseein’,” Gene said with a huge and very fake yawn. “I’m gonna take me a snoozerooni. A Big Mac can really wear a Demon out.”

“Me too,” Gunter said with a yawn far worse than Gene’s. “The chocolate shake did me in.”

The Demons were terrible actors, but the Vampyres didn’t seem to notice.

“Fine,” I said, nodding to them. “Umbrella, would you be so kind as to escort Levi and Paris?”

Umbrella bowed and pulled a lovely plastic flower from behind his ear. He handed it to me with a flourish and bowed even lower. “It would be my honor.”

“Great,” Levi said. “I was hoping to do a little sinkhole diving. Up near Queensland. Are you familiar with the area?”

“That I am,” Umbrella assured him, looking for the car keys. “Will we be driving?”

“No. We’ll transport, then fly once we get near the sinkholes,” Levi said.

My stomach felt tight. There were many things I wanted to say to Levi, but it was impossible without revealing who we were to each other. Right now, the only people I trusted were Demons and a violent little Vamp who was under my brother’s protection and rule. My own people were a hot bloody mess. Literally.

Instead of a goodbye filled with passionate kisses, I settled for some motherly advice. “Be smart. Be Safe. Be home for dinner.”

Levi grinned. “What’s on the menu?”

I give him a stern look and tried not to laugh. “I suppose you’ll have to make it back to find out.”

“It’s a deal,” he promised.

16

Levi

“Flying is fabulous!” Umbrella shouted over the wind right before he slammed face first into a tree.

Anastasia was sadly mistaken about the clown’s flying prowess. The thud as he made contact was incredibly unappetizing. The flying freak then fell out of the sky and headed for a crash landing that would have ended in tragedy.

“For fuck’s sake,” I muttered as I swooped down and yanked the clown back into the air. “That had to hurt.”

“No biggie,” Umbrella said, spitting out a few teeth and tossing them.

Demons had wings—mine were an exceptionally beautiful jet-black. Vampyres did not. It was no wonder he’d crashed.

“Duuude,” Paris said with a giggle, zooming in the air around us. “That was gnarly.”

Umbrella gave her a gap-toothed bloody grin. “I can do it again! Watch!”

“Nope,” I said, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. “It would be far better if your brains stayed between your ears. You feel me?”

“You’d like me to feel you?” he asked, perplexed.

“Umm… no. Forget I said it.” For the love of everything evil, Vampyres were incredibly literal.

“Higher altitude,” I instructed. “Fewer trees to hit.”

Amazingly, Umbrella hit six birds. The man was an airborne menace. The birds got away without a scratch. The clown? Not as much. He had gashes all over his face and chest.

There was a total of six sheep farms with sinkholes in the area. After Umbrella’s repeated collisions with nature, I guided us higher into the sky. It had been a risk in more ways than one to fly low. It was daytime. It sucked getting shot at by trigger-happy humans or government agencies. There was no time to be mistaken for a UFO.

The first five were nice as far as sheep farms went, but not what I was looking for. Umbrella had no clue what exactly I was searching for and I wasn’t about to share. We hit the jackpot on the sixth try. A huge bonfire was burning on the property. The tendrils of black and gray smoke wafted almost sensually into the air and dissipated on the afternoon breeze.

Smoke.

It has no feet, no hands, no wings, but can climb high into the sky. Look for this. It will lead you to where you will find what you seek.

Score one for the Devil.

“I like this one,” I told the bizarre duo I was traveling with.

“Roger that, O Evil One,” Paris said as she soared through the sky like a ball out of a cannon.

The clown’s landing was no better than his flying, but the strange Vampyre was growing on me like a slightly smelly fungus that wasn’t deadly. As we descended, he purposely flew in front of a flock of parrots to keep Paris Hilton from getting nailed—not that she would have. Her expertise in the air was impressive, but the gesture was nice. Of course, now the clown was bleeding profusely from the mouth. Thankfully, his red lipstick camouflaged most of it.

“Holy Hell,” I muttered, staring down into the four-foot by four-foot hole in the middle of a field filled with sheep. “I’ve never seen anything like this.”

“Amazing, right?” Umbrella asked with pride. “Australia is a beautiful place to exist.”

Paris had disappeared, then reappeared in a burst of lavender glitter. “All the humans are gone.”

Umbrella paled considerably. I eyed Paris with concern. If she’d taken a page out of Sir Fane’s book, she was in deep shit. I liked assholes, cheaters, liars and thieves. I despised Immortals who murdered humans. My father and Behemoth fell into that unsavory category.

Paris giggled. “I used my incredible mind-bending skills to convince them that the winning lottery ticket location was three hours away. You should have seen them skedaddle.”

“Excellent,” I said, relieved I didn’t have to zap her ass to Kingdom Come. “I’m going in.”

“Shall I join you or keep watch for the humans to come back?” Umbrella asked.

I stared at him for a long hard moment. The clown wore red lipstick, wide-legged pants and rainbow suspenders. He’d traded out his big shoes for a pair of cowboy boots and his wig-free bald head shone in the afternoon sun.

“Can you be trusted, Umbrella?” I asked casually.

“I can,” he replied in a wary tone.

“Why didn’t you report Sir Fane to Anastasia?”

The clown looked down. “I am not an innocent myself,” he replied. “He who casts the first stone must be free of sin.”

I rolled my eyes. “Bible’s not my thing, clown. I live in Hell. I also call bullshit. How old are you?”

“Four thousand years old,” he replied.

I was shocked. How had the idiot survived for four thousand years? He could barely defend himself.

“Long ago, I, too, drained humans like Sir Fane,” Umbrella said in a shame-filled voice.

“How long ago?” Paris asked, squatting next to us and peeking into the hole.

The Vampyre went to squeeze his nose for comfort and realized it was missing. Instead, he began to make balloon animal after balloon animal. “A little under four thousand years.”

“And you’ve not drained a human since that time?” she asked.

“I have not,” he replied, insulted. “Just a nip when I need it.”

She patted the clown on the back. “That was long before the law was made. And my bet is that you killed right after you’d been turned. Correct? During your bloodlust?”

He nodded and handed her a balloon elephant. “Correct. However, it is not my place to police others. Even those as morally foul as Sir Fane.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” I said, spotting what looked like a riverbank on the far side, deep down before the water began. “In any functioning society—especially a violent one—checks and balances must occur. If the Vampyre was screwing with his own kind, that’s on him. It’s a fair fight. However, what the asshole is doing is risking the exposure of all Vampyre-kind. I call bullshit.”

Umbrella handed me a red balloon bunny. “Thank you. You have high moral character for a dirty Demon.”

I laughed. “Don’t tell anyone. Not good for the rep.”

“You have my word.”

“Do I have your fealty?” I questioned.

The clown considered my question. He held my gaze the entire time. “Would you betray your mother?” he asked.

“My who?”

“Your mother, Princess Anastasia,” he replied, completely serious.

I silenced Paris’ giggle with a sharp glance. “I would die for Anastasia. I would lay down my life for Anastasia in a heartbeat. Anastasia is my reason for living. I would not want to go on in this world if Anastasia was not in it.”

Umbrella’s eyes grew wide and he looked quite disturbed by my confession. I almost laughed. It was a bit much for a mother and son relationship. However, every word I spoke was true.

“Does the answer satisfy?” I inquired.

“Umm… yes,” he said, still a tad uncomfortable.

“Very well then.” Snapping my fingers, I produced a wickedly sharp dagger and sliced my hand. “Cut yourself. Mingle your blood with mine. Swear your devotion to me for the time I am here.”

With a curt nod, the clown took the knife from my hand. Without a moment of hesitation, he pierced his skin, then held out his bloody palm. “Because of your loyalty, allegiance, unusually puzzling and somewhat socially uncouth commitment to my princess, I swear my fealty to you, Leviathan.”

Clasping his hand, I smiled. “What would you think if I decided to stick around for a while?”

“As long as you treat your mother right, I take no issue.”

“Good answer,” I said. “There’s something in the sinkhole that I need. When I find it, we will return to the flat. Whatever you see down below is not to be shared. Am I clear?”

“Crystal clear and you have my word,” he promised.

Paris grinned. “Umbrella tells the truth.”

It happened before I could stop myself. As the words left my lips, I wanted to rip my tongue out of my head. “If you are of use and you keep your word, you might be able to earn your nose back.”

The clown was so happy he cried. He quickly twisted a royal blue balloon into a giraffe and thrust it into my hands. A gamut of emotions that made no sense at all coursed through me. The fucking feelings made me tingle. Instead of dealing with it, I electrocuted myself. I was getting soft. That was not good.

“Thank you, Leviathan,” Umbrella gushed. “I will make you proud. And umm… is there any chance I could earn back the wig and the shoes?”

“Don’t push it,” I snapped. “Consider my offer a moment of insanity. It will happen only once.”

“Yes, yes. Of course,” he said, still smiling. “I shall go in first and light a torch.”

The clown let himself down into the hole. Paris Hilton was staring at me with a shit-eating grin on her face.

“What?” I demanded.

“The dirty Demon is secretly delightful,” she whispered.

“The dirty Demon is not delightful,” I shot right back.

The violent little Vamp just shrugged and booped my fucking nose. “He is, but your secret is safe with me.”

Normally, her words would have caused dismemberment. Not today.

* * *

“Unfuckingbelieveable,” I ground out as I lowered myself into the cave.

“Why hello!” Satan bellowed. “Imagine running into you here.”

The Devil was wearing Prada. The sheepskin jacket and jeans were gone. Paris was nonplused by the appearance of the Devil. However, Umbrella was shaking like a leaf. I was simply pissed.

“Imagine that,” I muttered, glaring at him.

“Hello, Paris darling,” Satan said.

“Hi, Uncle Fucker,” she replied with a wave.

The Devil rolled his eyes. “I am not your uncle,” he reminded her.

“I know,” Paris said with a disarming smile. “But I wish you were.”

The tiny Vamp had rendered the old man speechless for a brief moment. It looked as if the asshole was moved. Paris Hilton was one of a kind. Her innate power was immense.

“Doesn’t everyone?” he purred, pulling himself back together quickly. “You may call me Uncle Satan or Uncle Blade Inferno.”

“Hmmm.” Paris twisted her hair in her fingers as she considered her options. “I like Uncle Fucker better.”

“Of course, you do,” he said with another eye roll. “Fine. But now that we’re family, if you have office supplies, I’d suggest getting a safe.”

The Devil scanned the group. He smiled at Paris, raised a brow at me, then blanched and screamed like a girl when his eyes landed on Umbrella.

“Sweet Jesus in a jock strap on a goddamned bender, is that a clown?” he shouted.

I smiled so wide it hurt my cheeks. While clowns still made me nauseous, Umbrella, as a person, had grown on me tremendously. His devotion to Anastasia was unbreakable. In my book, that made him invaluable—horrifying but untouchable. Sucking back my irrational fear, I snapped my fingers. The clown was now sporting his red squishy nose, big shoes and curly orange wig. It was fucking terrifying. However, the almost crippling fear was worth it. Satan had gone ashen.

“It is,” I replied, grinning. “Meet my friend, Umbrella. He is under my protection and has sworn his fealty to me.”

Satan was fit to be tied. Obviously, the ludicrous phobia of clowns was a Demon thing.

“It’s an honor to meet you, Satan,” Umbrella said in his gravelly voice, still trembling. “Would you care for a balloon animal?”

“NO, I would not care for a balloon animal,” Satan roared. “I almost shat my pants. This isn’t working for me.”

“Then leave,” I said flatly.

Satan paced back and forth on the silty bank muttering to himself. “I want to kill it.”

“Nope,” I said. “And Umbrella is not an it. He’s a Vampyre under my protection. If you harm him, I will smite your ass and enjoy it.”

The Devil’s shocked expression was priceless. We were both aware that I couldn’t end him, but I could take the fucker down a peg or two with an audience. That would be outstanding.

“You’re treading on thin ice,” Satan growled.

I shrugged. “Do I look like I care?”

He laughed. “Oh, Leviathan, you care. You care very much. How does it feel?”

I ignored him. My personal affairs were none of his business—never had been and never would be. “State your reason for being here, then leave. I’m in a bit of a time crunch.”

“Your balls are tremendous,” he replied. “Almost as big as mine.”

“Insults will get you nowhere.”

Satan laughed. “Wasn’t an insult. So, I see you’ve solved the riddles.”

“Three of them.”

He nodded and peeked over at the clown. The Devil shuddered. It was beautiful. I didn’t look at Umbrella. It wasn’t in my best interest to display my fear. Having one up on the old man was a good game plan.

“The final riddle is important,” he said. “Figure it out.”

“Working on it,” I said. “Why are you here?”

He disregarded my question. “You’re not terrified of the clown?”

I’m not,” I lied. Inhaling deeply, I walked over to Umbrella and put my arm around his shoulders. I studiously avoided actually looking at him. Screaming would not be to my advantage.

“Amazing,” Satan said with a chuckle. “You are not normal.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” I said, holding my shit together with effort. “If you have something to say, say it. If not, get out. I have a beast to slay and a small amount of time to accomplish it.”

“Smaller than you think,” Satan said cryptically.

“Explain yourself,” I ground out, transporting to him and getting right up in his face.

We were the same height. Although our coloring was slightly different, there was no mistaking we were blood related. The fact appalled me.

“Why do you despise me?” he asked.

The question took me by surprise. “I could turn that question around,” I shot back.

The ruler of the Underworld stared at me for a long moment. “I don’t despise you.”

I laughed. “Bullshit.”

“You tell me why you loathe me, and I shall give you a clue,” he said in his normal calculating way.

I closed my eyes and pressed my hands to my sides. I wanted to wrap my fingers around his neck and choke the life out of him. I wanted him to feel the fear and humiliation I’d felt my entire existence. Knowledge was power. I wasn’t about to give him any more power.

“A clue,” Satan repeated. “In exchange for the truth.”

“The truth isn’t my thing,” I said coldly. “Didn’t know you were into that.”

“Normally, I’m not,” he replied smoothly. “Lies are far more entertaining.”

“Why now? Why is the truth so important to you, old man?”

The Devil shrugged and smiled. “Rumor has it that the truth can set you free.”

“Rumors are just like the truth—worthless,” I said.

“Be that as it may, it would behoove you to try it,” Satan said, then laid out the bait again. “Clues can be very helpful.”

What the hell was the truth? The only truth I knew was that I loved Anastasia. Period. The truth of my past was best buried and never revisited. The only reason the Devil wanted my truth was to have something over me. His need to be superior was unhealthy and cruel. No surprise. The man defined the word cruel.

“The truth can set you free,” he repeated.

A feeling of panic shot through me. I felt like a child again. It was unwelcome and strange. However, my life had ceased to be only about me the day I laid eyes on Anastasia. If my truth could provide a clue that would keep my reason for living safe, then so be it. What was one more humiliation? Nothing. It was nothing compared to the way I felt about my Vampyre.

“I despise you because you left me to die—over and over again for hundreds of years at the hands of your brother and Behemoth. You could have stopped it.” My voice held no emotion. No hatred. Nothing. I couldn’t erase my past, but I could refuse to let it define me.

Satan showed as little emotion as I did. “Who are you?” he inquired.

“No one of interest to you.”

“I disagree. Answer the question,” he demanded.

“The question is absurd. I have no time for this,” I said. “I gave you my truth. Give me my clue.”

“Who are you?” he asked again. “Are you the sum of your experiences? Would you choose to be someone other than who you are in this moment? Would you have chosen a different path? Because if you had, it would not have led you to where you are now.”

“Fuck you,” I snarled.

“Not my thing,” he replied. “Free will is such an interesting concept. Did you know that it’s the root of all evil?”

“My clue?” I pressed.

“Getting there,” Satan replied. “My brother God gave mankind free will. Did you know that?”

He didn’t wait for an answer. He didn’t want one. The Devil enjoyed hearing himself talk.

“So, in the end, God is responsible for the evil of mankind, not me. The path a human chooses is entirely up to him or her. That one really bit my pious brother in the ass. So delightful.”

“Does this have a point?” I ground out.

“Many,” he said with a cool smile. “Hindsight is twenty-twenty, nephew. I have as little control of what my people do as God does of his. The control I wield is in the punishment for abhorrent behavior and blatant disrespect. I do not create evil. I thrive on it. I destroy it.”

I laughed. It was brittle and humorless. “You’re doing a great job, asshole,” I said with sarcasm dripping off of every word. “Keep up the good work.”

Satan sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know what was being done to you.”

My stomach tightened, my mouth felt dry and my head spun. A roar of naked fury was trapped in my throat. It was one thing to live in a nightmare. It was another to be lied to about it. His words were a lie. He was the finest liar in the Universe.

My mind raced and frantically searched for flaws in his confession. I felt my eyes go red and my body begin to glow. If Satan was smart, he would take a step or two back.

The fallen Angel wasn’t smart. He stayed right where he was and met my furious gaze.

“I didn’t know,” he said, sounding older than time.

Paris Hilton stepped forward. Reaching out, she wrapped her hand around mine. The comfort I felt from her small gesture was intense. The feeling of having someone on my side was surreal.

“Satan tells the truth,” she said softly.

I nodded jerkily and held his gaze.

“Next move is yours, Uncle Fucker,” Paris said.

The Devil’s chin dropped to his chest and a ragged breath escaped from his lips. “I can’t.”

“Give me a freaking break,” Paris said, punching his arm. “Are you telling me you went to all of this elaborate trouble to chicken out when you actually have a chance to make it right?”

I quickly put Paris Hilton behind me. Not many could punch the Devil without repercussion. If he so much as messed up her hair, I would go nuclear on him.

Satan took a deep breath, then raised his head. “I’m sooo…” he choked out. “I am soooorrr…” he tried again. “Give me a sec.”

He walked over to the rock wall of the cave and punched it. He punched the wall for five minutes straight. Blood spurted from his raw knuckles and he swore enough for a thousand sailors.

“Umm… is that normal?” Umbrella whispered.

“Not even remotely,” I replied, watching the man come undone.

“Better now!” Satan announced, walking back over. “Clown, unless you feel the need to die today, I’d suggest you get out of my sightline. There’s only so much an exquisitely handsome Demon like me can deal with. You feel me?”

“I’d rather not,” Umbrella said, hustling to the far side of the bank.

Satan’s mouth fell open and his eyes narrowed to slits. “Does the clown think I just hit on him?”

Paris giggled. “Yep.”

The evil idiot rolled his eyes. “I’m fucking Satan! I do not hit on clowns,” he bellowed.

“Umm… okay,” Umbrella said. “Congratulations. It must be difficult to fuck yourself. I knew a contortionist named Skeet who could blow himself, but not actually have intercourse with himself.”

“Would you be terribly angry if I killed the clown?” Satan asked.

“Very,” I replied.

“Please let me kill him,” he begged.

“No can do,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and trying to see the man I’d hated for centuries in a different way. I couldn’t.

“Fine,” he huffed.

Paris came out from behind me and punched him in the arm again. “Buck up and do the right thing, Uncle Fucker,” she said. “I don’t have time to kick your ass right now.”

“As if,” Satan said with an eye roll and a grin. “Fine. Leviathan, I’m sooooorrrrrrr…” He winced and shook his head. “Let me try that again. It doesn’t come naturally. I’m… umm… you know… soooooorrr. I’m sorry. I’M SORRY. I’m sorry I failed you. I’m also sorry that I had to say I’m sorry. I will deny speaking the words. However, I am sorry, but not publicly. I’m privately sorry.”

“Holy Hell,” Paris muttered. “That was pathetic.”

The small Vampyre was right and she was wrong. What had just occurred was epic and unheard of. The Devil might wear Prada, but the Devil never said he was sorry. Ever. The magnitude of the moment didn’t escape me, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to accept his apology. I kind of had a lot going on at the moment. And if he wanted truthful forgiveness, he would have to wait for me to process that he hadn’t purposely allowed my torture for centuries.

“You want me to lie or do you want to wait for the truth?” I asked.

Satan considered my question. “Normally, I’d say lie, but I shall wait. This might be one of the very few times where deceit will not do.”

I nodded curtly and realized a huge weight had just slid off my shoulders. It was odd and unfamiliar. The child inside me, who I was sure had died many, many years ago, came alive. Was the old man right? Did the truth set you free? Did the Devil feel like I did right now?

There was a chance I could die in the very near future. Slim but there. Did I want to die with unfinished business?

Nope. No, I didn’t. The man was an asshole. He would always be an asshole. However… his question made sense. Who was I? The answer was simple. I was who I was today because of my past. I’d had the choice to let it define me or for me to define myself. I’d chosen the latter. There were no mistakes. This moment wasn’t a mistake either.

“Fuck it,” I muttered. I’d been through centuries of imprisoned torture. It was my choice now to move on or imprison myself. “I accept your apology. Doesn’t mean I like you or want to have a relationship. Ever.”

“Really?” Satan squealed. “We’re good?”

“Not good,” I replied, trying not to smile. “We will never be good. We’re okay.”

“I can live with that,” he replied, giving me a thumbs up.

The exchange was so bizarre, I wondered if Hell had frozen over.

“Would you like to call me Uncle Fucker?” Satan inquired.

“I’ll stick with motherfucker right now,” I replied.

“As you wish.”

“The clue?” I said, bending down and digging for the box with the glove in it.

The Devil squatted down next to me and handed me a spade. Together we dug. Together we found the box.

“Don’t touch my box,” I instructed as we both reached for it.

“That didn’t sound right,” he said with a chuckle.

“Better than announcing I could fuck myself,” I said, carefully removing the lid. “Gunter said only I could touch the box.”

Pulling a single black glove from the box, I looked for the match. “Only one?”

“Only one,” Satan said. “Behemoth has the other.”

“You gave him a glove?” I shouted and punched him in the face. He went flying.

Satan took the aggression without retaliating. “No. He stole it.”

“Might have wanted to start with that,” I said, extending my hand to help him up.

“Next time,” the Devil said, brushing off his Prada suit. “The clue… if something you love gets taken from you there are many options to win back what is yours. Many options. However, the very best options are often invisible.”

I shook my head and committed the random bullshit to memory.

“You’re a dick,” I said.

“Been called far worse,” he replied easily.

“I’m sure you have.”

Satan pointed to Umbrella without looking at him. “I would like a yellow balloon bunny for my son. Can you make that happen, clown?”

“With pleasure,” Umbrella assured him, quickly making the bunny. “Here you go.”

“Excellent,” Satan said, looking at the bunny and keeping his gaze off of Umbrella. “I’m pleased I didn’t kill you. My boy will love this.” Satan looked at me. “Remember what I said. Go now. There is not much time left.”

With that, the Devil disappeared in a blast of shimmering black mist.

“Touch me,” I instructed Paris and the clown Vamp tersely. “We’re transporting back to the flat.”

17

Anastasia

Levi, Paris Hilton and Umbrella had been gone for fifteen minutes when everything went to Hell. Gunter and Gene were fast asleep in the bunk beds upstairs. When I felt the thick haze of demonic magic surround the living room, my gut clenched and my blood ran cold. I realized I was very much on my own.

Fine. I’d been on my own for centuries. This was nothing new.

But it was. And it wasn’t good. The only saving grace was that Levi wasn’t here. If Behemoth couldn’t find him, he couldn’t kill him. I sent a quick prayer up to God that Levi was safe and that he’d found the talisman. I even sent one down to Satan, considering the situation.

“Calm,” I muttered to myself. “Stay calm. I don’t have what they want. Make them understand and they will leave.”

The magical barrier ensured that no one could hear what was happening inside of it. The slumbering Demons would not hear a call for help. My focus immediately went to Fred and Sir Fane.

Shit.

“Fred,” I commanded. “Get behind me and stay there. Do not make a move unless I tell you to. Am I clear?”

“Yes, Your Highness,” he said in a shaky voice, following my directions. “I feel Demons—bad Demons.”

I nodded. It was unnecessary to agree aloud. For all I knew they were in the room and invisible. I’d been surprised that Levi could render himself invisible. However, if he could do it, I was sure someone as old and powerful as Behemoth could do it too.

“Sir Fane,” I ground out. “Do I have your fealty?”

The Vampyre was still trapped in the silver cage. He was a sitting duck. While he would most likely be sentenced to death, his demise would be more humane than being torn to bits by Demons. I would protect my people—even the ones who didn’t deserve it—until the end.

“Oh yes, my princess,” he said, trembling so hard I could hear his fangs chattering. “I would die for you.”

“I am going to release you from the cage,” I said tightly, glancing around. While I knew evil was present, I still couldn’t see it. It was one hell of a mind game, but I was certain that was what was intended. “You will stand with Fred and stay behind me. I will protect both of you.”

With a wave of my hand, the silver cage disintegrated to dust. Sir Fane stood glued to the spot and began to cry.

“I am so sorry,” he sobbed. “I don’t know how you can ever forgive me.”

“Not now,” I snapped at him. “Get behind me. Now.”

“Call for Gunter and Gene,” Fred urged as Sir Fane’s hysterics grew louder.

“Can’t,” I said, bending at the knees and centering myself. Pulling a jewel-encrusted dagger from my belt and a throwing star from my back pocket, I focused on the evil in the room and tried to block out Sir Fane’s ear-piercing weeping. “Someone dropped a dark magic barrier. No way in. No way out. Soundproofed.”

“But no one is here except us,” Fred whispered.

“Wrong,” I said flatly.

“I am?” he asked in a hushed and terrified tone.

“You are,” I answered, backing us up against a wall. I didn’t need someone or a bunch of someones coming at me from behind. “Sir Fane. Enough. Get behind me now.”

“It was for the money,” Sir Fane wailed. “You will not be harmed. They gave me their word.”

“What?” I hissed, thinking he’d lost his damned mind. “Quit blubbering and do as I say.”

His crying fit escalated to epic proportions. I was ready to throw a fireball at him to get him to shut up.

“I am doing this for you, my princess,” Sir Fane insisted. His eyes were wild and he paced in tight little circles.

My stomach dropped, as did my fangs. He’d done something. He’d done something unforgivable.

“Explain yourself,” I roared.

Sir Fane paled to the point I thought he was going to faint. “It’s wrong. It’s against the rules of nature.”

“What are you talking about?” I demanded.

Sir Fane was losing it fast. “You and the sea monster. It’s wrong.”

“There’s nothing wrong with adopting a Demon,” Fred yelled at his flat mate. “Who are you to judge anyone? You KILL HUMANS.”

“Shut up,” Sir Fane screamed. “Humans are beneath us. We should end them and live openly.”

“Not happening,” I said. “There are millions of humans and they have done nothing wrong. We live side by side with them.”

“In secret,” Sir Fane screeched, throwing his hands up. “Not fair.”

It was all I could do not to end him where he stood, but he’d done something and I needed to know what it was. “Nothing is fair. Nothing is black or white. We deal with the hand we’re dealt and do the best we can.”

“That’s what I’m doing,” he insisted, wringing his hands and bouncing up and down. “I am saving you.”

“From?” I asked, so furious I could barely get the word out.

“From Leviathan. I have turned him in. I took the flyer. I called the number.”

I aimed and launched the dagger, pinning the Vampyre through his neck to the wall on the far side of the room. Grabbing two more from my belt, I pinned his shoulders as well. There was no escape. Sir Fane screamed in terror.

“I’m doing this for you,” he cried out. “I saw his dreams—what was happening between the two of you. I SAW IT.”

“Kill him,” Fred whispered in my ear. “He’s evil.”

“In a sec,” I said, willing my voice to stay even.

Fred tapped my shoulder. “Is Leviathan really your adopted son?”

“No. He’s my mate,” I said under my breath.

“Good choice. I like him,” Fred said softly. “Still think you should kill Sir Fane. He’s had it coming for a long time.”

“Shortly,” I whispered, then turned my attention to the piece of garbage pinned to the wall. “Sir Fane,” I said, trying to unclench my teeth. “What kind of deal have you cut?”

“Are you mad at me?” he asked, pouting.

Pressing my lips together, I swallowed back the words on the tip of my tongue. Fred softly touched my shoulder again.

“Let me help you, Princess,” he whispered.

I nodded. It was all I could do. If I moved an inch, Sir Fane would be reduced to dust.

“Of course, our princess isn’t mad at you, Sir Fane,” Fred said in a jovial tone. “She loves you just like you love her.”

“She does?” Sir Fane asked, looking at me.

I jerkily nodded my head. He seemed satisfied and smiled. I wanted to rip his traitorous lips from his body. I’d wait.

“So let me get this straight,” Fred said, scratching his head. “You turned in Leviathan so that he would not have a relationship with Princess Anastasia?”

“Partly,” he said.

“And the other part?” Fred asked.

Sir Fane giggled. “I’ve solved our financial issues! We’re rich. Well, I am. But of course, I’ll share. Ten million dollars is a lot of money.”

I literally saw red. The smarmy little shit had turned Levi in for the money and for a screwed-up sense of morality. He was a specieist and the worst kind of Vampyre alive. Alive being a relative word since he was going to be as dead as a doornail very soon.

“That wasn’t a smart thing to do,” Fred told the gloating Sir Fane.

“I beg to differ,” a silky voice purred.

The putrid scent of sulfur permeated the room. The dark magic increased, bouncing off the walls. I was glad I didn’t have to breathe. I would have suffocated.

“Show yourself,” I demanded.

“With pleasure,” the disembodied voice purred.

In a blast of black smoke, the Demon appeared. He was large in stature and had the typical good looks of a Demon, but that opinion died when one looked into his eyes. They were as black as night and dead. His eyes held thousands of years of horrid secrets—some I knew, most I didn’t. Vile wickedness rolled off of him. Being near such an abomination made me feel filthy.

“Behemoth,” I ground out.

“Anastasia,” he replied with a mocking bow. “It’s a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance.”

“Actually, it’s not.” My voice was icy and my fingertips began to burn.

The feeling was alarming, and I quickly glanced down at my hands to make sure they weren’t on fire. They were not. Ignoring the searing pain, I focused on the repulsive Demon six feet from me.

“Leviathan is not here,” I said.

“Yes, I know,” he said with a smile that made my skin crawl. “I have a meeting with him shortly.”

I spared a glance of hatred for Sir Fane, who was pinned against the wall and slowly bleeding out. I felt no pity for the Vampyre.

“Yoohoo!” Sir Fane called out to Behemoth. “I’m Sir Fane, the one who called. Did you happen to bring my money?”

Behemoth smiled. His teeth were sharp and as black as his eyes. It was terrifying. “You’ll get your money when I get the head of the sea monster on a platter. Of course, then I’ll tear you to shreds and eat you for lunch. Hence, good deal for me since I’ll get my investment back.”

“Umm… is that a joke?” Sir Fane inquired, laughing nervously.

Behemoth turned and eyed the Vampyre like he was a bug. “I suppose you’ll just have to wait and see.”

“Oh yes,” Sir Fane gushed. “Such a wonderful sense of humor you have.”

Behemoth growled and slashed his arm through the air. Sir Fane was no longer pinned by his shoulders to the wall—only by his neck. The Demon had removed all of his limbs. He hung like a stump and screamed in agony so loud, I was sure I’d lost some of my hearing.

“Unless you’d like me to tear your little buddy behind you apart, I’d suggest you come with me willingly.”

“No can do,” I said flatly.

He clucked like an old woman. “Ahhh, that would be a mistake.”

With another slash of his hand through the air, half of Fred’s head blew off. His scream tore through me and I bent down to hold him.

“What is wrong with you?” I shouted. “This Vampyre has done nothing to you. You will leave him alone.”

Behemoth seated himself on the couch and made himself comfortable. “That’s entirely up to you, Princess. I have all of your subjects in silver chains at the palace. It would be so unfortunate to have to eat them… alive.”

He licked his lips.

I stared at the abomination. He was telling the truth. “You’re scum.”

“Thank you,” he replied, snapping his fingers and removing all of Fred’s limbs.

“Umm… this wasn’t part of the deal,” Sir Fane whimpered.

“Shut up,” Behemoth said, sending a red bolt of lightning at Sir Fane.

The sound and smell of the sizzle as he burned made me ill. Wiggling my fingers, I put the flames out.

“Enough,” I said. “What’s your long game?”

“Smart and beautiful,” Behemoth purred. “I will trade your life for the life of the sea monster.”

“What makes you think he’ll give up his life for mine?” I asked. “The Demon means nothing to me, and I mean even less to him.”

“Is this true, Sir Fane?” Behemoth queried casually.

Sir Fane looked like a barely alive deer caught in the headlights. He had one chance to make some of the heinous crimes he’d committed right.

“No,” Sir Fane choked out through the blood pouring from his mouth. “The dirty Demon loves her and she loves him.”

So much for the weak Vamp redeeming himself.

“Interesting that you need a woman to get the job done,” I said.

“How so?” Behemoth asked, crossing his arms over his chest and baring his sharp black teeth.

“You need to trade me because you’re too afraid to fight him. You know you’ll lose.”

A flash of something I thought was fear passed over his horrid face. It was so quick, I could have been mistaken, but I didn’t think so.

“I’m getting bored,” he hissed. “The choice is yours. Come with me and I will not ingest all of your subjects.”

“And if I don’t?” I questioned.

“Then I’ll simply remove all your appendages, put you in a bag and throw you over my shoulder. You have thirty seconds to comply. For each second you delay, there is a price.”

“And what might that be?” I asked, buying some time. If Levi came back, there was a chance that the two of us together could take the bastard.

He clapped his hands. Fred’s stump of a body began to separate. His innards were literally falling out of his body.

“That’s just the preshow,” he said with a sadistic grin.

There was no more time. Fred would be lucky to live through what Behemoth had done to him. I had Levi’s blood inside me. Was the burning in my fingertips the black magic wanting to come out? Would it be better to try it out here? Would it be smarter to go to my palace, assess if I had anyone loyal to me and try to kill the Demon on my home turf? One thing was certain, Fred couldn’t take any more of Behemoth’s abuse. And I was sure the Demon would make good on putting me into a bag.

“I will go with you,” I said emotionlessly.

“Shall I join you?” Sir Fane inquired, hanging limply on the wall.

“Unnecessary,” Behemoth said. “I’m done with you.”

“But I’ll get my money?” he asked.

“I’ll consider it when I get back to my palace,” Behemoth told him.

“You mean the Princess’ palace,” Sir Fane weakly corrected him.

“Is it?” Behemoth raised a brow and laughed. The sound was oily and made me shudder.

“Yes,” Sir Fane choked out, getting frantic. “You promised not to harm my princess.”

“I lied.”

In a move that I didn’t see coming, the Demon punched me in the face with such force, the last thing I recalled before I blacked out were the horrified screams of the traitor.

18

Levi

I had been tortured. This was far worse.

I had been raised in the bowels of Hell. That now seemed like child’s play.

My emotions were a shard of jagged glass raking across my soul. Only red-hot rage coursed through my blood.

My soul was black. It had grown even blacker.

My hatred for all that surrounded me overwhelmed me to the point I couldn’t see.

The sound that left my lips was inhuman.

The person who I loved most had been taken from me.

With a slash of my hand, the flat went up in flames. The savage heat seared my skin and the screams barely reached my ears. Fact and fiction warred with each other in my mind. None of it made sense. The fury buried inside me for centuries unleashed and the tsunami was unstoppable.

“No,” Gunter roared, taking his life into his own hands by tackling me to the ground. “STOP!”

“Get off of me,” I roared, striking him across the face.

The insane Demon headbutted me so hard, I saw stars. Gene came up from behind and electrocuted me to the point I wasn’t sure I was still on the Earthly plane. Paris Hilton held two practically dead Vampyres in her arms. Tears of pain, disappointment and horror rolled down her cheeks. Umbrella stood next to her with huge eyes and a terrified expression on his face.

Everyone was on fire.

“Get. Off,” I growled.

“Not a chance,” Gunter shouted with a vicious right hook to my face.

Blood spurted from my nose and gushed from my mouth. The pain was life-affirming. I understood pain. I wanted more. I needed to dull the agony. I knew for a fact I could destroy the Demons pinning me down. A simple wiggle of my fingers could end them permanently.

I didn’t do it.

I didn’t know why.

My understanding of right and wrong was fuzzy, but for some reason I let them live.

Gene’s eyes blazed red. His hands were tight around my throat. “Anastasia isn’t dead, ye stupid arse. But if ye force us to kill ye, she will be dead. A Vampyre will die when her mate dies. Yar a Demon. Ye will live on—forever—knowin’ ye killed yar mate because ye was a cockroach of a dungbie. Get yar shite together, man.”

“Fuck you,” I spat as he tightened his grip. Gunter held a dagger to my throat. “You were supposed to keep her safe.”

“The bastard dropped a barrier,” Gunter said, inches from my swollen face. “We didn’t know anything until Behemoth was gone.”

“Unacceptable,” I hissed as Gunter rammed his huge knee into my gut.

“Aye,” Gene agreed. “But what’s done is done. Now quit bein’ a tar-stained jackarse and pull it together. The Demon took her. We need to get her back. Can’t do that if ye want to act the fool.”

“Listen to them,” Paris begged. “They tell the truth.”

Closing my eyes and trying to suck back the inferno burning inside me, I raised my arm. The flat was demolished, but the fire still raged. Moving my hand in a circular motion, I drew water from deep underground and doused the flames. Anastasia had said the Artesian Basin smelled awful, but the scent—like a dozen truckloads of rotten eggs—made my stomach churn.

I swallowed down the bile mixed with rage and I focused my fury on the person who deserved it the most. Behemoth had stolen my reason for living. Behemoth was going to pay.

“Are ye gonna try to off us?” Gene asked.

“Not today,” I grunted, peeling his fingers from my neck. “Possibly tomorrow.”

Gunter was wary. He had turned out to be far smarter than I’d originally thought. Gene’s intellect was a little questionable, but his deranged fighting skills were quite good.

“Remove the knife,” I said flatly.

Gunter eyed me. “Not yet.”

“Fine,” I said. “Explain to me what happened.”

Gene looked to Gunter. Gunter held his gaze. Both men looked demoralized.

“We don’t know,” Gunter said. “We just got up a few minutes before you arrived and attempted to annihilate the ones who are on your side. Sir Fane informed us that Behemoth had put up a barrier that kept us from waking while he took the princess. We don’t know any more than that.”

I sighed and adjusted the bones in my nose. Gunter had a hell of a right hook. “Let me up. I’m fine. There’s no time to waste.”

Both Demons backed off slowly. Gunter still held the dagger poised to attack and Gene was on guard. If I wasn’t so furious at the situation, I would have complimented their balls and instincts.

“The Vampyres,” I said, getting to my feet. “What did they see?”

The Vampyres were in bad shape to put it mildly. I wasn’t sure if Fred was still alive. However, he hadn’t turned to dust, so there was a chance he wasn’t a goner.

“It was Fred,” Sir Fane said, tears rolling down his cheeks.

The foppish Vamp was missing his arms and legs. There was a large open hole in his neck.

“What do you mean?” I ground out.

“He took the flyer. He called the number. Fred wanted the reward money,” Sir Fane choked out through the blood dripping from his mouth. “He said they promised not to harm the Princess. He was going to exchange you for her. He knew you would go to save her.”

Taking a deep breath, I noticed a small movement from Paris. Her eyes were glued to mine. They blazed green and her fangs had dropped. With the smallest of movements, she shook her head.

The message was clear. Crystal clear. Sir Fane was lying.

“You’re sure?” I asked the trembling stump of a traitor. “You’re positive Fred called Behemoth?”

“Oh yes. I overheard the entire call,” Sir Fane insisted. “Anastasia was devastated by Fred’s unforgivable deceit—beside herself with despair. As you can plainly see, she maimed him.”

I eyed what remained of Fred then turned my gaze to the other piece of shit in Paris’ arms. “And what happened to you?”

His wounds were not the actions of Behemoth. Possibly the amputation of the limbs, but not the hole in the throat. Behemoth was into explosive tactics—more like the injuries Fred had suffered. Anastasia was good with knives…

“I tried to save my Princess,” he lied through his teeth. “I got several good shots in. But, alas, in the end I was no match for the dirty Demon.”

Gene’s mouth was open wide in disbelief. Gunter growled low in his throat.

“You attacked Behemoth and lived to tell?” I asked so casually, Sir Fane began to stutter.

“Well… umm… not exactly,” he said in a shaky voice. “It was more that I jumped in front of the Princess to take the blows meant for her.”

“Really?” I asked, wanting to snap his neck. “You did that for your Princess?”

“Of course,” Sir Fane claimed. “I would die for her.”

Silently, I stared at the duplicitous Vampyre. He was unable to hold my gaze. No surprise there.

“Where did Behemoth take Anastasia?” I inquired, taking Fred from Paris’ arms.

“The palace,” he said. “My advice is to kill Fred.”

“I’m sure it is,” I muttered, laying the mangled Vampyre gently on what was left of the couch. “I think I’ll just leave him here to die. Easier.”

Sir Fane didn’t like that option. Of course he didn’t. A witness to the truth wasn’t handy for a traitorous, lying piece of garbage. Right now, I needed the garbage. He’d be thrown out and pulverized when he ceased to be of use.

And it would be horrific… for him.

“But you must kill him,” Sir Fane stressed. “Fred betrayed our Princess. He simply must die. You should make it quite painful. He deserves it.”

“Like all the humans you killed?” I asked flatly. The Vamp blanched. “Actually, I have a great fucking idea. How about this? Since you’re clearly the hero in this situation, I’ll leave Fred for you to kill. Maybe it would redeem you from killing so many innocents.”

Umbrella stepped forward and knelt before me. I didn’t miss Sir Fane’s barely audible gasp of shock.

“I am loyal to both you and my Princess, Leviathan,” Umbrella said in his gravelly voice. “What Fred has done is unforgivable. He was my friend for over eight hundred years. I would like your permission to kill him. Although he may not deserve it, I would like to do it quickly—by the hand of someone who cared.”

I let my head fall back on my shoulders. I could have used a friend like Umbrella many times in my thousand years. I didn’t have one. Fred was a very lucky Vampyre indeed.

“No, Umbrella,” I said.

Umbrella nodded sadly and remained kneeling.

His statement made it beyond clear that he wasn’t associated with the treasonous behavior. Of course, there was still a chance that Fred was connected. However, it was undisputable that Sir Fane was definitely involved.

“Paris, put the Vampyre down,” I instructed. “Gene, Gunter, Umbrella and Paris, follow me.”

Walking briskly away from the smoldering house, I launched myself into the air. My people flew with me, no questions asked.

Hovering about a mile above ground, I eyed the motley crew. We were well out of earshot of Sir Fane.

“He lied,” Paris said immediately.

“I know,” I said. “Fred is to be left here. No further harm will be done to him until we know for certain he wasn’t involved.”

“Aye,” Gene said. “What are ye gonna do with the scoundrel?”

I smiled. It wasn’t pretty. “Paris, how good are your mind-wiping skills?”

“They are outstanding,” she replied with a curious glance, not following where I was going.

“Can you mind-wipe a Vamp?”

She grinned. “Yes, I can.”

“Can you plant new thoughts?”

She shook her head. “No.”

“Haven’t done it in a few hundred years, but methinks I might be able to plant a few thoughts,” Gene volunteered.

“Last time you tried that, the Demon’s head blew up,” Gunter reminded Gene with a wince.

“Shut yar trap, ye cargo-thievin’ scuttle hound,” Gene grunted. “That was then, this is now. There’s a thirty-one percent chance that it won’t happen again.”

I gave him a curt nod. Sir Fane was the guinea pig. If his head blew up, so be it. “Excellent. The odds are iffy, but we’ll give it a go. Gene and Gunter, do you know the answer to the last riddle?”

Gunter swore under his breath. Gene’s fists clenched at this sides. He looked as if he wanted to implode.

“Nay,” Gene said.

Pressing my lips together, I willed myself to stay calm. My instinct was to incinerate them. That would be ludicrous and counterproductive. Satan had said the final answer was important.

Fuck.

Umbrella raised his hand and narrowly ducked a flock of parrots who were perturbed about the meeting in the sky.

“What?” I demanded rudely.

“I’m quite good at riddles, being a clown and all,” he whispered nervously. “I mean, not that all clowns tell riddles, but I do.”

“No mistakes,” I reminded myself. I wasn’t sure if I believed the words or if I believed saying them would make them come true. With nothing to lose and a whole hell of a lot to gain if the clown came through, I went for it. “If you solve it, I will supply you with solid gold noses, unlimited big shoes and all the curly wigs you shall need for eternity.”

“Throw in some lipstick and balloons,” Gunter suggested.

“Aye,” Gene said, nodding like an idiot. “And ye should add some unicycles and jugglin’ shite.”

“Are you fucking done?” I asked the idiots.

“Yes,” Gunter said with a gulp. “We’re done.”

Gene gave me a thumbs up.

I rolled my eyes. “Lipstick, balloons, unicycles and juggling shite are part of the deal as well,” I amended. “Here’s the riddle—you will find your power in something that is in everyone… sometimes on everyone. If it surrounds certain beings it can kill.”

The clown’s brow wrinkled in thought. The silence as he mulled the riddle was louder than an explosion.

After what felt like an eternity, a smile pulled at his lips. It was so terrifying to observe, I almost screamed. Gene screamed in horror for me. Gunter was made of stronger stuff and simply winced.

“The answer is water,” Umbrella announced triumphantly. “You will find your power in something that is in everyone… water… sometimes on everyone… again, water. If it surrounds certain beings it can kill. Water.”

“Yar the sea monster! Makes sense that yar power is in the water.” Gene turned a backflip in the air. “The clown nailed it!”

I grinned. The deal I’d made was somewhat paralyzing, but it was worth it. Screw my fear of clowns. The clown was a damned hero.

“Here’s the deal,” I said as my small dysfunctional army hovered close. “We’re going to the palace. We will be taking Sir Fane with us. No one is to let on that we know he’s a traitor. Paris, be ready to mind-wipe and throw a tantrum on cue. Gunter, bring your dagger, silver platter and a katana. Gene, can you truly swing from ropes without dismembering yourself?”

“Aye,” he said, giving me a double thumbs up. “And I can cause plenty of damage in the air.”

“Attach throwing stars to the front of your Crocs,” I instructed the Demon pirate. “Umbrella?”

“Yes?” the Vamp asked, still preening from solving the final riddle.

“Do you know the layout of the palace?”

“I do,” he replied. “Very well.”

“Perfect. Now, what I’m about to say is not a punishment,” I told him. “I want you to go pedestrian. However, I need you to have your entire clown outfit ready to put on at a moment’s notice. I need you to bring two extra costumes as well.”

“I can don my wig, nose, big shoes, tie, wide-legged pants, suspenders and clown face in three seconds flat,” he assured me.

“Are you serious?” I asked, squinting at him.

“Actually, two seconds,” Umbrella amended. “I didn’t want to brag.”

“Bragging is fine,” I said. “It’s a quality I like.”

“I shall brag more in the future,” the clown promised.

“What’s the plan?” Paris asked.

“The plan is completely fucked up,” I informed my crew, knowing I’d lost my mind and was perfectly fine with it. Slipping the glove onto my hand, I stared at it. Satan’s words tickled my brain… if something you love gets taken from you there are many options to win back what is yours. Many options. However, the very best options are often invisible.

The clue was in the words. I was sure there were many ways to interpret it, but I could only find one.

I stared hard at my tiny army of some of the bravest and strangest Immortals I’d ever had the honor of knowing. My goal was saving Anastasia and ending Behemoth. However, the lives of the ones floating in front of me were equally important. “The less you know right now the better. You will follow directions, no questions asked. We good?”

“We’re great, O Great Evil One,” Paris said with a delightfully vicious gleam in her eyes.

“We will follow you till the end,” Gunter said, saluting me.

“Yar a green-gilled, greasy-haired sea rat and I’d walk the plank for ye,” Gene shouted.

“You have my loyalty until the day I am dust,” Umbrella said, attempting a bow and almost falling out of the sky.

Grabbing the clown by his suspenders, I shook my head. “It’s time to slay the beast. Let’s go.”

19

Anastasia

The marble floor was cold and hard beneath me. My body felt as if I’d been beaten down by a massive avalanche and my head throbbed. Gingerly touching my face, I realized my eye socket had been crushed. While I knew it would heal, my body was responding slower than usual.

That was not good.

It took effort to raise my head. When I did, I almost wished I hadn’t.

My palace was unrecognizable. If I’d had the ability to throw up, I would have. Vampyres didn’t have that luxury. What was once pristine and full of life, was now black and reeked of death. Zeer and the last of my remaining generals were grotesquely impaled on ten-foot spikes along the silk-covered walls in the Grand Ballroom. It was clear the men were in agony and close to death. While I believed the traitors deserved to die, I didn’t believe in torture. Clean and humane—even for those who didn’t deserve it. In a violent world, my methods were an anomaly. I didn’t care. I was who I was and had no plans to change.

Karma was turning out to be a bitch for Zeer and the gang. I just hoped my fate didn’t end the same way. If I didn’t get my strength back, there was a fine chance the end was near. If today was my day to die, I’d go out doing as much damage as I could. Even if I could only weaken Behemoth just a little, that might help Levi live. It would be my final parting gift to the man I loved more than life itself.

The only solace I could take was that my death would not cause Levi’s demise. If he died, I would die as well, but that would also be what I would have chosen. Living without him was unacceptable. My Demon was stronger than me. He’d been through unspeakable horrors in his life and had kept his compassion and ability to love. I prayed that he would be able to go on without me.

Scanning what used to be one of my favorite rooms, my eyes landed on the dais. The golden throne had been replaced by an ornate onyx monstrosity. Behemoth sat atop it surrounded by Demons and a few Vamps who had tried to kill me repeatedly over the years. They eyed me with remorseless delight and gnashed their fangs menacingly.

Glancing around, I knew without a doubt if I survived the day, I’d burn the palace to the ground. There wasn’t enough sage in the Universe to get rid of the stench of evil.

“Ah, you’re awake,” Behemoth said. “Welcome to my palace. I will answer to my Liege or His Majesty. Take your pick.”

Getting myself to a seated position was difficult. Standing up was excruciating. However, I would not go down without a fight.

“Lovely of you to invite me to your stolen kingdom,” I replied, wondering if he would answer to the name Gaping Murderous Asshole.

I eyed what I was up against. One deadly land beast. Four Demons besides Behemoth. Four Vamps. The odds sucked ass.

Behemoth laughed. He ogled me like I was a piece of meat and he was starving. My skin crawled. It was all I could do not to electrocute the disgusting bastard.

“It could be ours,” he said in a suggestive and lecherous tone.

I smiled.

His brow arched and his dead black eyes were hooded with desire.

“I’d rather die,” I informed him.

He smiled, revealing sharp black teeth. “That can be arranged. I just need you alive for a bit longer.”

“So that you can get out of fighting Leviathan?” I questioned.

The beast’s eyes narrowed dangerously. The Demons around him growled menacingly.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I felt my magic and strength begin to come back… and something else along with it—something dark and powerful. I prayed to every deity I could think of that it was the Demon blood inside me. I simply needed a little more time. Bad guys loved to monologue in the movies. This was real life, but it was worth a shot.

“Why?” I asked. “Why do you hate him?”

“Why not?” Behemoth shrugged. “It’s enjoyable to torture someone who refuses to die. Keeps the boredom at bay.”

“Do you bore easily?” I asked.

“Yes,” the hideous man said with a leer as he grabbed his crotch. “Would you like to relieve my boredom?”

The Demons and double-crossing Vampyres laughed at the lewd offer. The sound bounced through the room and made my stomach churn. It was all I could do to hold back my gag. I was fully aware the Demon could destroy me easily. I didn’t need to piss him off, I needed to keep him talking until I was strong enough to put a dent in his armor. “According to Kierkegaard, boredom is the root of all evil—the despairing refusal to be oneself.”

“Psychobabble,” Behemoth said dismissively with a wave of his hand.

“Possibly,” I agreed. “Do you like who you are?”

“A narcissist likes everything about himself,” he replied evenly. “Stupid question. But what should I expect from someone who imagines themselves in love with a sea monster?”

I shrugged. The burning sensation in the tips of my fingers was back. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth so I didn’t grin with relief. I had no clue what my fingers could do, but I was about to find out. While Behemoth was too large a target at the moment, his posse was fair game. If he was to fight Levi, it would be one on one if I had a say.

And I wanted a say.

“The Demons belong to you,” I said, coldly eyeing the Vamps. “The Vamps are mine. It’s within my rights to punish them.”

“Interesting,” Behemoth said, perking up.

“I do believe a little bloodshed would greatly relieve your boredom,” I pointed out.

The four Vamps were literally salivating. Their desire to kill me was strong.

“Four against one?” Behemoth inquired as his dead eyes lit with ruthless delight.

“Four against one.” I shook my head. “Doesn’t seem quite fair…” I bared my fangs in a menacing smile at the four faithless Vamps. “…for them.”

Behemoth chuckled at my bravado.

I arched a brow at him. “However, there’s a catch.”

The Demon leaned forward, his expression eager. “And what might the catch be, Princess?”

“For every Vampyre I kill, you kill a Demon,” I shot back in an icy tone.

Behemoth slapped his knee and bellowed with laughter. “Agreed,” he shouted, much to the shocked surprise of the Demons flanking him. “If you kill your men, I shall kill mine. What a delightful game.”

“Not a game and not my men,” I said flatly. “The four undead scum standing with you lost the right to be called mine long ago.”

If I succeeded, which I would, Behemoth would be solo. It was a dent in his armor that I could make happen… as long as he kept his word.

“How do I know you’ll hold up your end of the bargain?” I questioned as I walked to the center of the cavernous room and centered myself.

“You don’t,” he replied. “However, murder is my hobby. Any excuse to draw blood and create pain is a win-win as far as I’m concerned.”

“Of course it is,” I muttered.

“But let’s make it more fun,” Behemoth challenged.

“What’s more fun than killing scum?” I inquired with sarcasm dripping from every word.

“You get two Vampyres and two Demons,” he said. “I shall have the same pleasure… that is, if you’re successful.”

The change in the rules made the bargain a whole hell of a lot more dangerous.

Raising my middle finger at two of the Vamps who’d betrayed me one too many times and the two Demons next to them, I grinned. “Come and get me.”

I didn’t have to ask twice. With hisses that rivaled a massive den of venomous snakes, the men came at me like balls out of cannons. In their haste to end me, they were stupid. Instead of splitting up and attacking me from all sides, they ran together from the same direction.

It was almost too easy.

“Worthless whore,” a Demon yelled with a snarl.

“Die, bitch,” a Vampyre roared with his fangs out and his eyes crazed.

“Thank you, but no. Not today,” I said.

Their rabid joy and their desire to end me was sobering and sad. This beautiful Dominion had never been a happy place. It was a land full of anger and hatred. It had been that way from the beginning and nothing I’d done had changed it. It was a heartbreaking failure. My father was probably correct about leaving this place. I just had to live long enough to have the chance to leave.

With barely a second to spare, I shot into the air as they dove for me. Raising my arms and slashing them down, I sent a bolt of lightning straight at them. It was far stronger and more deadly than any electrocution I’d ever shot. The fiery sensation in my hands shot up my arms. Searing pain accompanied the dark magic. I embraced it. Pain was a reminder that I was still alive.

One Demon and one Vamp were decapitated immediately. The other two writhed on the floor in agony. Not losing a second of time, I pulled my katana from the sheath on my back and flew at them like an avenging fallen Angel from the darkest part of Hell.

It took one mighty swing to remove two heads.

I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Kicking the heads aside as the traitors turned to ash, I smiled at Behemoth. My smile didn’t reach my eyes. “Your turn.”

The Demons and Vampyres beside him began to run. I stepped back and waited to see if I would have to take this foursome out as well.

I didn’t. While my method wasn’t what I’d call friendly, Behemoth’s method was barbaric. He raised his hands and shot blazing fireballs at his four. The men shrieked as they burned from the inside out. Their bodies began to melt and curdle before my eyes. The screams were deafening.

Bile burned in my throat. I was tempted to behead them just to show some mercy, but crossing the beast wasn’t in my plans.

Behemoth snapped his fingers. The floor underneath the dissolving men morphed into a creeping black mist. The haze wrapped the men in a deadly embrace. It danced and tore the skin from their frames. Their limbs detached and their innards fell right out of their bodies. It was horrifying and brutal. Behemoth laughed like a child on Christmas morning. The sound would live in my nightmares for the rest of my days.

As the wailing subsided and the men were reduced to nothing, Behemoth walked back to his throne and sat down. “That was fun. Do you have any other ideas to fend off the boredom?”

“Umm… no,” I said in a whisper. “I don’t.”

“Too bad. So sad,” he said. “I suppose we’ll just wait until lover boy shows up to save the day. It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen him. I’m looking forward to it. It’s quite the tragedy that his father isn’t here to watch him die.”

My fury flared at his words. “When Leviathan shows up, I’ll be watching you die. The only tragedy is that I won’t get to watch it over and over on repeat.”

“Are you quite sure that you’re taken?” Behemoth asked, baring his black teeth in a lewd grin. “You’re the kind of woman I’d like to own.”

“Not for sale,” I snapped.

“Your loss,” he replied with a shrug.

My fingertips still burned hot. Levi’s blood roared through my body. Having part of him inside me calmed me and gave me a sense of purpose like I’d never known. Having the chance to thank my Demon and hold him in my arms was my most burning desire.

I’d eliminated Behemoth’s backup. Could I incapacitate the beast? Should I try? He needed me to leverage against Levi. Would he kill me if he needed me?

There was only one way to find out.

20

Levi

We stood under the very same tree we’d landed in when we’d arrived in Australia. Sitting in the tree with Anastasia seemed like decades ago. It had only been a day. The haze around the palace was murkier and far more foreboding than it had been yesterday. My body began to glow, my hands began to spark and I grew rigid with fury. It was only the gentle touch on my arm from Paris Hilton that kept me from losing my shit. Again, my sister Astrid was correct. Paris Hilton was an asset—an irreplaceable asset. Insane, but beautifully nuts.

“Anastasia’s in there,” I said through clenched teeth. “I can feel her.”

“As can I,” Umbrella confirmed.

The clown had been tasked with carrying the still limbless Sir Fane. I didn’t trust myself to touch the worthless garbage. He was a dead stump walking. However, not quite yet.

“How shall we proceed?” Sir Fane asked nervously. “Will you storm the palace?”

“No,” I said flatly.

In the end, I’d shared a portion of the plan with my people as we flew back to the demolished flat. Upon hearing the scheme, Umbrella had sworn profusely, then crash landed. The reactions of my crew had been varied—horror, shock and upset. However, no one had a better suggestion.

Making sure the glove was securely on my hand, I covertly nodded to Gene.

The Demon paled but followed my silent order.

“Well, shite stain,” he said to me, shaking his head in sorrow. “Methinks there is only one way to go.”

“And that is?” I questioned.

“If ye love the lassie like ye say ye do, yar gonna have to die for her,” Gene replied.

“Oh yes,” Sir Fane said, nodding with enthusiasm. “That would surely save the Princess. Excellent plan.”

The expression on Umbrella’s face was literally terrifying—and he wasn’t even wearing a clown getup. For a moment, I thought he might snap Sir Fane’s neck. Paris, sensing the shitshow impending, quickly removed the traitor from the clown’s arms. While Umbrella’s dedication to both Anastasia and me was admirable, if he fucked up my plan, he was a goner.

“Do you think so?” I asked Sir Fane. “Since you’re the only one who witnessed the beast, your opinion is of high esteem right now.”

Sir Fane was rabidly delighted by the deference shown. “Yes, yes, your death would surely save Her Royal Highness. Such a humbling gift you are willing to give her.”

“Right,” I said. “I would die for her—just like you said you would.”

Fake crocodile tears leaked from the lying Vampyre’s eyes. “I tried my best to save her,” he sobbed. “As you can plainly see, my death was almost a reality. Behemoth promised repeatedly not to harm the Princess if your head was delivered on a platter. He gave his word to me.”

“To you?” I inquired, feigning surprised confusion.

Sir Fane paled. “No, no, no, I misspoke. Silly me,” he said quickly. “To Fred, obviously.”

“And you heard both sides of the conversation?” I questioned, wondering how deep the fucker could bury himself.

“Yes… well… Fred was on speakerphone,” he explained, regaining a bit of color as he dug his grave so deep, he metaphorically reached the Artesian Basin underground. “He’s not the brightest of Vampyres—quite slow for the undead. His unsavory nature was appallingly shocking to me. I had no clue I resided with such a merciless fiend.”

“You are a valiant hero,” Paris said, laying it on thick.

Sir Fane bought it hook, line and sinker. His ego and recklessness grew before our eyes.

“What else did you overhear?” I asked.

The imbecile’s brow knitted in thought. “The beast told Fred that he must be the one to carry the platter to receive the reward. You know… umm… proof that he did the deed and all.”

“But of course,” I replied, holding back the need to tear what was left of him to bits.

“You know what might be fortuitous?” Sir Fane when on, acting as if he’d just come up with something brilliant.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Well, I was just thinking… if you’re going to sacrifice yourself for the Princess, she might be able to use the money.”

“Genius,” I said with a smile that I was certain looked like a furious grimace.

Umbrella coughed loudly to draw attention away from my terrifying expression. His hacking fit was ridiculous, but got the job done. Adopting a blank expression, I proceeded.

“How can we ensure that Anastasia receives the bounty reward?” I pressed, knowing exactly what the shit was going to suggest.

“Well, if I were to carry your head in, I would technically receive the reward,” he explained. “Upon receipt, I would pass the money to my Princess.”

“Problem,” I pointed out. “You have no arms or legs at the moment. Not sure how you’ll carry my head on a platter.”

Sir Fane’s excited expression fell. The man was crushed. He didn’t even know the meaning of the word. Although, he would very soon.

Paris cleared her throat. “I could carry Sir Fane,” she offered. “We can balance the platter on his head.”

“Aye,” Gene grunted as if he was incredibly constipated. Forcing out the words he knew he had to speak, he continued. “Me arse and meself can walk behind the platter and make sure it doesn’t fall.”

“Wonderful plan!” Sir Fane gushed with glowing eyes. “Please make sure you do not touch the platter. We wouldn’t want any confusion as to who receives the reward money.”

“Wouldn’t think of it,” Gunter replied smoothly.

“I will die for the woman I love,” I said, sounding resigned. The words were easy to say since they were true. However, I had no plans to die today.

“It’s the only way,” Gunter agreed. He patted Sir Fane on the back. “Thank you for your input. You shall be rewarded heartily by Satan himself for such selfless behavior.”

Sir Fane preened. “Ohhhh, a favor from the Devil. A great achievement indeed.”

“Indeed,” I said. “Knock him out.”

“May I?” Umbrella begged.

“Be my guest,” I replied.

Sir Fane’s eyes grew huge. His scream was girly and wildly pleasurable. Umbrella punched the bastard with such force, I thought Sir Fane’s head might go flying.

But, no. The stump was down for the count—exactly where I wanted him to be.

* * *

It took a little longer and a lot of convincing for the rest of my plan to come to fruition. After twenty minutes of arguing, I was about to obliterate my small army.

“Cut my fucking head off,” I growled at an extremely perturbed Gunter.

He shook his head and gulped loudly. “Don’t think I can do it.”

“Are you a Demon?” I demanded.

“I am.”

“Are you under my command?” I asked.

“I am.”

“Then cut my damned head off,” I shouted, glancing over and making sure Sir Fane was still knocked out.

Gunter was ashen. “What if I mistakenly cut your entire head off?”

“Don’t,” I snapped. “Leave it hanging by a tendon.

The giant Demon was sweating profusely. Gene was on his knees praying to Satan, I assumed. Umbrella tried to puke and failed. Paris was the only calm and reasonable soldier.

“Smooshy Pookie Numnums, I know you can do it,” she said, encouraging her love. “I have faith in you.”

“Wish I did,” Gunter muttered, handing Paris the dagger and sword. “I have more faith in you, Yummer Noodle Duckie. When you tried to behead me in a fit of jealous rage—which was incredibly flattering and hot—you expertly left my noggin hanging by a tendon. I feel strongly that you are a better swords woman and far more psychotic than me, Nookie Snicker Doodle Juju Bee.”

Paris shuddered with delight. “That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me,” she gushed. “I love you, Sugar Lips Honey Muffin!”

“And I you, Boo Bear Baby Cakes!”

It was all I could do not to kill them both. However, that wasn’t part of the plan. “I don’t care who does it,” I snapped. “Someone decapitate me. NOW.”

“Someone’s a little buttholey,” Paris announced as she examined the sword and dagger Gunter had handed to her. “This might hurt.”

I rolled my eyes. “Didn’t think it was going to feel good.” I eyed the hesitant group, then checked one more time to make sure my glove was in place. It was. “The plan is as follows—Paris will behead me, but for a single tendon. I will render the rest of my body, other than my head, invisible. Gunter and Gene will carry my transparent body behind the platter on their shoulders with my head resting on the platter.”

Gene gagged. I punched him.

“Paris will carry the passed-out fuck, and Umbrella, you walk behind the procession. Be ready to don the clown outfit and pass the other two costumes to Gunter and Gene. On my word, the three of you will become clowns to throw Behemoth off his game. Three fucking clowns should do the trick. The objective is to get Anastasia away from the beast. When she’s safe, I will destroy him.”

Gunter raised his hand.

“What?” I asked.

“Umm… are we supposed to wear the clown clothes?” he choked out.

“You are,” I replied.

Gene squatted and pulled down his pants. I electrocuted him. There was no time to bust a grumpie. I didn’t give a damn how gassy clowns made him.

“Yar a hard shite stain,” he griped. “Methinks I might not recover from dressin’ like a fish-stinkin’ clown.”

“I second that,” Gunter chimed in.

Pressing the bridge of my nose, I realized that my normal mode of making people do what I wanted them to would be counterproductive. A new method must be employed. Hard but very doable since Anastasia’s life was at risk.

“Look at Umbrella,” I demanded.

They did. It was easier since he wasn’t dressed in his costume.

“Do you like the man?” I asked.

“Aye,” Gene said. “Very much.”

Gunter nodded in agreement.

“Do you respect him?” I questioned.

“Aye.” Gene scratched his head and wondered where this was going.

I wondered myself but kept talking.

“Well, then, this is the way I see it,” I said. “Demons are a despised species—for no reason at all. We don’t create evil. We simply thrive on it. Correct?”

“Correct,” Gunter replied. “Except for assholes like Behemoth.”

“There are exceptions to every rule,” I ground out. “However, even though we enjoy lying, cheating, stealing and other somewhat socially unacceptable hobbies, we do not kill indiscriminately. Others hate us without truly knowing us. Not fair.”

“Ye have a point, shite stain,” Gene said, staring at the shyly smiling Umbrella. “So, what yar sayin’ is that we’re bein’ worm-riddled fish gizzards by not accepting the clown for who he is.”

“Something like that,” I said. “Bottom line is this, even though Umbrella has chosen a profession that makes us want to kill him where he stands, that would be wrong.”

“Define wrong,” Gunter requested.

I headbutted him. “Does that answer your question?”

He wiped the blood from his nose. “Yep.”

“Good,” I said. “Umbrella is a person—a good person with a fucked-up job. We do not kill people because they have no taste and enjoy making balloon animals.”

“I kinda like the balloon animals,” Gene conceded. “Right cute.”

“Thank you,” Umbrella said.

“Welcome, ye eye-liner-wearin’ dingy dangler,” Gene said with a thumbs up.

“Correct me if I’m wrong,” Gunter said, pinching his nose to staunch the blood flow. “What you’re saying is that it’s not okay to kill Umbrella because we like him as a person, but it is okay to kill other clowns?”

“Wrong,” I said with an eye roll. “It is not okay to kill clowns at all. Ever. Period. Well, unless they try to kill you first.”

“Roger that,” Gene said. “I vow not to kill Umbrella, and I won’t kill Gunter when he is dressed like a galley-hoppin’ arthritic octopus of a clown.”

“I, too, will not kill Umbrella or my best mate Gene,” Gunter volunteered.

“Great,” I said. “It’s time.”

“What happens once we are in?” Umbrella asked.

“We wing it,” I replied. “If he has others with him, they are yours. Behemoth is mine. Anastasia’s safety comes before anything. Clear?”

“Clear,” Paris said as she raised the sword and prepared to whack my head off. “Ready?”

“And then some,” I said through gritted teeth. “Do it.”

She was right. It hurt like a motherfucker. No pain, no gain.

“Wake up the traitor,” I ground out as I rendered my body invisible. “It’s time to slay the beast and save my Princess.”

21

Anastasia

Getting close enough to do damage was key. The thought was repulsive, but Levi meant far more to me than my need for self-preservation. My ego could be damned for all I cared. I had a goal and I was going to accomplish it. Behemoth had not fought fair over the past centuries. There was no reason to believe he would start now.

My eyes widened slightly as I keyed in on a single glove the beast wore on his hand. My stomach dropped. My silent heart stuttered.

Behemoth had found the glove before Levi.

Satan’s riddle was forefront in my brain—what you seek has no flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet strangely, it has fingers and thumbs of its own. Whomever finds it first shall win.

The leader of the Underworld had set Behemoth up to win.

Tamping down my fury at both Satan and Behemoth took Herculean strength. Levi was correct about the Devil. His uncle had betrayed him just like his own father had. Blood was not necessarily thicker than water. If I was still alive tomorrow, Satan was next on my hit list. No one would double cross my Demon and get away with it.

My goal now became an obsession. Levi didn’t have the glove. Behemoth did. What was going to be a fight was now a death sentence for the man I loved. But… if the beast was damaged, could he still win? Could I even the playing field and give my Demon a chance?

Possibly give us a chance if I lived to tell.

Tomorrow wasn’t guaranteed. All I had was today. I was going to do the best with what I had.

The Grand Ballroom stunk of putrid evil. One would think since a Vampyre had no need to breathe, they wouldn’t be able to smell. Wrong. The stench literally burned the inside of my nose.

“I’ve changed my mind,” I said, staring at the abomination on the throne.

“About?” Behemoth inquired.

“About the offer to rule my Dominion… together,” I lied through my fangs. “As you can plainly see, my land is full of violence.”

“I quite admire that,” the beast commented.

“I don’t,” I said flatly. Kissing his ass would end in death. Playing into his deadly desires might not. “I want order. You like to kill. It could be a win-win.” My voice was cold and calculating.

He seemed to enjoy my attitude. I had more where that came from.

“And us?” he asked with a raised brow.

I shrugged. “I’ll consider it,” I replied rudely. “If you take out the garbage, I’ll consider playing your game until I bore of you.”

Behemoth grinned. It took everything I had not to glance away in disgust. His sharp black teeth gleamed. “You won’t.”

“Won’t what?” I asked.

“Bore of me,” he replied. “I am the greatest and most powerful Demon alive.”

“What about Satan?” I asked.

“Screw Satan,” he spat with fury. “Answer my question… about us.”

“We shall see,” I said, walking closer to the throne.

His eyes. I’d go for his dead black eyes. The eyes were the window to the soul. It was time to close the window. Once I’d maimed him, I’d remove the glove. If neither had the talisman, Levi had a chance.

“Would you like to seal the deal with a kiss?” Behemoth inquired silkily.

I laughed. “You wish. You will earn your kisses, Demon.”

The beast smiled. It was terrifying. “You’re a hard woman.”

Again, I shrugged. “I’ve been called far worse. I shall take that as a compliment.”

“It was meant as one,” he purred.

His breath was as rancid as the Demon himself. I was inches from his face. It was the most frightening moment of my life thus far and I was a freaking Vampyre—the top of the food chain.

“Your eyes are black,” I commented, leaning forward to get a better look.

“Like my soul,” he murmured, licking his lips suggestively.

I was fast.

Behemoth was equally as fast.

With burning fingertips, I gouged his eyes. My nails dug into the sockets, then raked his face. The beast’s blood smelled of sulfur and made my stomach churn. His roar of fury shattered my eardrums and the feel of his fist connecting to my face was excruciating. The sound of my bones cracking was a small price to pay. I didn’t care.

One objective completed. One to go.

“Mine,” I snarled as I went for the glove.

His sharp black teeth tore into my back and paralyzed me. It was as if venom shot through my body. I lay across the furious, trembling monster as he tried to heal his eyes.

If I had been just a Vampyre, he might have been successful. But I wasn’t just a Vamp now. I had Demon blood in my veins.

And I needed more. I needed the strength and mobility to take the glove.

Swallowing back the bile that threatened to undo me, I let my fangs extend and I bit the bastard’s leg. His blood was foul, but the power was undeniable. His mighty fist came down on the back of my head as I drank, crushing part of my skull.

However, I was no longer paralyzed. My skull knitted together immediately and I shot myself into the air to avoid more abuse.

The Demon’s eyes had partially healed. I didn’t have the glove.

Failure wasn’t an option.

“You will die violently,” he roared, shaking the foundation of the palace.

“Not if you die first,” I taunted.

With the simple opening of a door, the fairy tale took a dastardly turn I didn’t expect. It went from hideous to monstrous.

And the beast wasn’t responsible.

I fell from the air to the hard marble floor with a sickening thud. The scream that left my lips would live in my nightmares for the rest of time.

22

Levi

My eyes were wide open. Paris had decided that it was more realistic looking if I’d died that way. That was fine. I needed to see what we were up against. Sir Fane was none the wiser. Paris had erased his recollection of Umbrella knocking him out. And Gene had planted the memory that the piece of shit Vamp had beheaded me.

How the feckless Vampyre imagined he’d decapitated me without any arms or legs was down to the strength of Gene’s mojo. Color me impressed. Miraculously, the pirate hadn’t blown Sir Fane’s head off. I was a little disappointed, but let it go. It made sense that the asshole who’d turned me in was the one to present my severed head.

“Where are we going?” Gunter asked as we entered the palace.

The palace was deserted. A dark, evil stench permeated the air. It was lifeless and mind-numbing. Not a Vamp to be seen. Not a Demon either, but that didn’t mean Behemoth hadn’t brought backup. I’d never seen the Demon in a fair fight. To be more accurate, I’d never seen the Demon in battle. He’d always fought in tandem with my sorry excuse for a father. My sperm donor had done the dirty work and Behemoth had supplied the torture with sadistic pleasure.

“I sense the Princess in the Grand Ballroom. Follow me,” Umbrella said, leading the way.

“Oh my,” Sir Fane said with an excited giggle that verged on hysteria. “You can sense our Princess?”

“I can,” the clown answered in a clipped and cold tone.

Sir Fane tsked. “Umbrella, you mustn’t be afraid of me.” He bobbled his head around for emphasis since he had no hands to wave. “Yessssss, it’s true that I beheaded the sea monster, but I’m still the same delightful me! Just think, we’re going to be rich!”

“Don’t ye mean the Princess is gonna be rich?” Gene asked in a tone that gave the limbless Vamp pause.

No one should ever underestimate the drunken giddiness that came with beheading one of the most powerful Demons in existence—even if you were falsely made to believed you had accomplished the impossible goal.

“Disrespect will not be tolerated,” Sir Fane hissed at Gene. “I have decapitated your leader, you dirty Demon. I am now in charge.”

“May I remind ye, that Leviathan let ye behead him,” Gene said, holding back his violent tendencies with effort.

I was proud of the Demon for not body-slamming the sickening Vamp, tearing his head off and shoving it up his ass. Gene was maturing.

“Irrelevant,” Sir Fane snapped. “The story we shall tell Behemoth is that I fought the sea monster and won.”

Gunter blew out a very audible sigh. “I’m sure he’s gonna buy that.”

The sarcasm went right over Sir Fane’s head.

“Of course he will,” Sir Fane muttered. “Because I did.”

The idiot had large cojones for someone without arms or legs.

“We’re here,” Umbrella said, pointing to a large, closed, ornate golden door. “The Princess and the beast are inside.”

“Do I look okay?” Sir Fane asked.

“You look just like someone I knew a long, long time ago,” Paris said with no emotion in her voice. “His name was Judas.”

“Was he handsome?” the Vampyre inquired.

Paris shrugged. “From stories I heard, he had one hell of a kiss.”

“Wonderful. I’m quite honored by the comparison,” Sir Fane said, completely missing what the smart little Vamp had just implied. “Let’s deliver a head and save the day!”

* * *

“Nope,” Gunter muttered under his breath as my invisible body jerked in reaction to the scene before me.

Both he and Gene tightened their grip. They were smart. Nothing was a mistake. If the Demons didn’t have hold of me, I would have blown the plan straight to Hell. They had come into my life for a reason, as I had come into theirs. Today we would exact revenge for the torture we’d endured from the beast.

The walls of the massive room were littered with Vampyres on stakes. I spotted Zeer. He was dying a slow, painful death. Behemoth was so utterly typical and cliché.

But the staked Vamps weren’t what threw me.

It was Anastasia.

The raging fury that shot through me was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I’d lived through a brutally abusive Hell for most of my life, but not even that could have prepared me for seeing Anastasia bleeding. My only solace was that she was still alive. If my pretending to be dead didn’t have such a huge impact on her safety, I would have dumped the charade and gone after the son of a bitch who had harmed her.

That would happen shortly.

“Hello!” Sir Fane sang as the procession made its way deeper into the cavernous room.

The gut-wrenching scream that came from Anastasia’s mouth as she spotted me was the second time within a minute I almost screwed up the plan.

Think. Anastasia, think. I tried to reach out to her with my mind to assure her what she saw wasn’t true. I couldn’t. If she’d just think about it, she’d know I wasn’t dead. If I was dead, she would be dead too.

“Well, well, well,” Behemoth snarled. “What have we here?”

His beady black eyes were bleeding and there were deep scratches on his face. My Vampyre was a badass. My pride in her deadly ability grew. Going for Behemoth took enormous balls. My lover was my equal in every way.

“As you requested,” Sir Fane gushed. “I have brought you Leviathan’s head on a silver platter. I would like my money.”

Behemoth’s eyes narrowed. “I told you I would consider it when I got back to my palace,” he snarled. “I’ve considered it. No money for you.”

“Unacceptable,” Sir Fane squealed, getting frantic. “I fought the sea monster. I beheaded him. I WANT MY MONEY.”

My dead eyes were focused on Anastasia. She stared at me with such love and sorrow. Yet again, I almost blew my cover. Instead, I winked. It was a tiny move. The beast was focused on the sniveling Sir Fane. I hoped he killed the Vamp. It would save me the trouble.

My gal barely moved a muscle, but the relief in her eyes was extreme. While Behemoth’s back was turned, she motioned to his hand. She wanted me to see the glove. There was panic in her expression.

I winked again. It was all I could do. It was clear that she believed he’d gotten to the talisman before I had. That was not true. She would see soon enough.

If I gambled—and I did—I’d wager she’d gone after him to take the glove. I didn’t know I could love her more than I already loved her… but I did.

“Give me Leviathan’s head,” Behemoth roared. “I’m going to eat it and all of you will watch. After I’ve had my tasty sea monster snack, everyone is excused… except the Princess. We have a bit of unfinished business to conclude.”

His gaze was on Anastasia. It was filled with naked lust and hatred. The end had arrived. The time to move was now.

“Paris, tantrum. Heal me,” I whispered. “Clowns. Go now. Grab Anastasia and everyone get the fuck out of here.”

“What about Sir Fane?” Paris muttered under her breath.

Amazingly, the stupid Vamp didn’t hear a word of our conversation. He was far too busy sobbing and begging the bastard for his money.

“Drop him,” I instructed softly. “I don’t care if he dies during the battle or after. Fact is, he’s going to die soon anyway.”

Paris nodded.

“On three,” I said. “One. Two. Three.”

Paris’ tantrum was such a distraction that the beast wasn’t aware that I had healed. The sensations were excruciating as my head reattached. Never again did I want my head to be connected only by a tendon. However, while it sucked, it was perfect. I was in one piece and the Demon had no clue. With a quick smile to Anastasia, I focused on the matter at hand.

While Paris Hilton’s tantrum was spectacular, the pièce de résistance was the clowns.

“Jesus Christ,” Behemoth bellowed, shuddering uncontrollably as he backed away.

Gene, Gunter and Umbrella were working it. It was truly one of the most terrifying sights I’d ever witnessed. The noses were read and squishy. They also made honking noises. It sent shivers skittering up my spine. The shoes were appropriately large and appalling. And the wigs… the wigs were enormous. Umbrella for the debilitating win.

The Vampyre clown was in his element. He was break-dancing. I barely held back my scream. The eight-foot Gunter was particularly disturbing as he attempted to twerk. However, during his gas-inducing dance, he picked up Anastasia and whisked her away from Behemoth’s line of fire. My relief was profound. I was fairly sure Gene was busting a grumpie. Behemoth was so traumatized, he couldn’t look away.

Bingo—a beautiful sight.

Paris, in the midst of her tantrum, rolled so fast she almost disappeared. The insane little Vamp hurled six throwing stars at Behemoth. It happened so quickly he had no clue who’d tossed them. He yanked the throwing stars from his already gouged cheeks and aimed at my clowns.

“Not today, fucker,” I muttered, waving my hand and dropping a barrier around my people—all of my people—Anastasia included. There was no way in and no way out. They were safe. The only beings on the outside of the magical barricade were the staked Vamps, Sir Fane, Behemoth and me.

“No, no, no,” I heard Anastasia scream from inside the barrier. “Let me out. I want to fight with you.”

I refused to look at her. Taking my eyes off the prize could be a deadly mistake. As much as I loved Anastasia, this was my fight. This was my revenge. It was a thousand years in the making and I was the one who had to end it. I’d let her electrocute me until the end of time if that was what she needed.

But I needed this.

“Time’s up,” I ground out.

Behemoth’s head jerked in the direction of my voice. His eyes grew wide for a fraction of a second. It was a glorious sight to see. However, as fast as the uncertainty appeared, it was replaced with a sneer that had haunted my dreams for centuries.

“Sea monster,” he snarled. “Aren’t you just full of surprises?”

“Land beast,” I shot back. “I suppose you’ll have to wait and see. It will be far different without my father here to hold me down while you torture me.”

The hulking Demon shrugged. “Not worried. But I’d like to get this over quickly. I need to fuck your lover to death.”

I saw red. My need to destroy him was overwhelming. However, I wouldn’t let his words make me careless. I was better than him in every way that counted. He knew it and I knew it. There was no way for him to win unless I handed it to him.

I had no intention of handing him anything except his ass.

“Let’s make it more fun,” Behemoth yelled as his body began to morph.

He went from his Demon form into his land beast. His skin stretched and ripped grotesquely. It shed like a snake from his humanlike form. Tufts of black hair sprouted all over the massive creature and his hands became deadly claws. His teeth were still black and sharp, but they now resembled those of a prehistoric monster. Horrific images clouded my mind—images of the very same beast peeling the skin from my body, boiling my blood with his black magic and setting me aflame for hundreds of years.

“Fuck,” I hissed, shaking my head to dispel the nightmares that still haunted me to this day.

The Demon was now ten times bigger than I was. I’d chosen the wrong place to battle him. To be fair, the choice had not been mine. My priority was Anastasia. She was safe unless I lost. Actually, she was dead if I lost. Anastasia was my True Mate. The only thing I could hope for was that if I perished, she would follow quickly and not die at the hands of an abomination.

“I’m hungry,” Behemoth howled in a pitch so strident, all the glass in the room shattered.

My mind raced. My options sucked. He was the land monster. I was the sea monster. We were on dry land.

Or were we?

Satan’s words mixed and tangled with Anastasia’s in my brain. Making sense of everything in less than a few seconds was not a great plan of action, but I was working with what I had. The Devil said the fourth riddle was important. How important was it?

“You will find your power in something that is in everyone… sometimes on everyone. If it surrounds certain beings it can kill,” Satan said.

Water. Umbrella had been right. The answer was water. I was the sea monster. I derived my power from water.

My mind, for better or worse, was a steel trap with photographic memory. Picturing Anastasia’s face, I forced myself to replay the conversation. Precious seconds would be wasted, but too much was on the line. My instincts told me to remember. My instincts hadn’t steered me wrong yet.

“Has anyone heard of the Great Artesian Basin?” Anastasia asked.

“Ohhhh, I have,” Paris said. “It’s one of the largest underground freshwater sources in the world.”

“What part of the country is in under?” I asked.

She pointed to the map on the coffee table. “It spans about one-fifth of the continent. It lies beneath parts of the Northern Territory, Queensland, South Australia and New South Wales.”

“Your palace sits atop the Artesian Basin” I asked, looking at the map.

“It does,” she confirmed.

“How deep is it?” Gunter inquired.

“Almost ten thousand feet deep. The basin provides drinking water to many of the communities in the Outback.”

“Is it safe to drink?” I questioned.

“Yep,” she replied. “Smells like rotting eggs and comes out at boiling temperatures, but if you let it sit for a while then hold your nose it’s drinkable.”

“Shite,” Gene said with a gag. “Sounds like the rum in Hell.”

“That much water could probably submerge all the land on the Earthly plane.” I pointed out.

“Correct again,” she said with a smile. “However, it’s staying underground.”

Hell. To. The. Yes. I grinned. The only thing my Princess was incorrect about was that the water was staying underground.

Raising my arms over my head, I called to my power. I called to the part of me that I sometimes despised but made me who I was.

“Come to me,” I bellowed.

The smell of rotting eggs permeated the air and mixed with the putrid scent of the land beast. I knew my people would be safe in the barrier. The boiling water wouldn’t touch them.

Closing my eyes, I let my other half emerge. If Anastasia really wanted to truly know me, she was about to get a crash course.

“I am the sea monster,” I hissed at Behemoth. “And you are about to die.”

“Shall we make a wager?” he snarled in a booming voice.

“How about ten million, asshole?” I suggested. “I like that number.”

23

Anastasia

I knew in my head this was Levi’s battle. I understood it on an intellectual level. But my non-beating heart hadn’t gotten the memo. I belonged at his side. I wanted to slay the beast with him.

“This is wrong,” I growled furiously as I beat the side of the magical prison with my fists. “I should be fighting next to him.”

“Do you love him?” Paris asked.

I didn’t spare her a glance. My eyes were glued to what was happening outside of the barrier. Behemoth had shifted into a hideous, deadly monster. Levi stood frozen and lost in thought. My entire body was a live wire of petrified adrenaline. “Yes. I love him,” I snapped as I continued to pummel the barrier.

“Make sure you mean what you say,” she advised.

Laying my forehead against the impenetrable barricade, I willed myself not to electrocute my friend. She didn’t understand. “Cryptic bullshit isn’t working for me right now. Speak your piece.”

“As you wish. Levi stepped down to show you respect when you dealt with your traitorous general, Zeer,” Paris said softly, taking my bleeding hand into hers. “That was your fight. The Demon fought his instincts so that you could do what you needed to do—what you were meant to do. Give him the same respect. Behemoth almost destroyed him. It’s his right to return the favor.”

If I could sigh for real, I would have heaved out the mother of all sighs. Instead, I groaned. The small Vampyre was correct. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t have to like it. I had to respect the man I loved.

“How did you get so smart?” I whispered.

“Shite! Mother-humpin’ Jolly Rogers. The shite stain is about to blow,” Gene shouted as Levi raised his arms high and the Grand Ballroom began to fill with water. “Get ready to hold yar breath.”

I had no clue what Gene was yelling about. I didn’t need to breathe. I was undead.

An explosion of liquid erupted from the marble floor. The ground cracked like a puzzle beneath Levi’s feet.

“The riddle,” I cried out. He will find his power in something that is in everyone… sometimes on everyone. If it surrounds certain beings it can kill. My Demon had pulled his power from the water beneath us. Bloody tears of hope poured from my eyes.

“That’s hot,” Paris Hilton said with a giggle.

“In more ways than one,” I said, grabbing her and swinging her around like a doll.

The water smelled like rotting eggs and the steam rolled off the boiling waves as the ballroom continued to fill. As Levi’s arms slashed through the air, a blinding bolt of blood red lightning cracked and turned the clear water a deep crimson.

“I’ve never seen this,” Gunter said in awe, with his face pressed to the glass-like structure surrounding us.

“Seen what?” I asked frantically, still looking for a way out. “Levi call to the water?”

“Watch,” he insisted, mesmerized.

“Holy Hell,” I muttered as my eyes grew wide and my body began to tingle.

The man I loved was no longer the same. I still loved him, but there was a whole hell of a lot more to love. Before my eyes, my beautiful Demon morphed into a dragon-looking creature with fins, claws and teeth that belonged in a nightmare-inducing dream from the darkest depths of the Underworld. The sea monster’s skin was green and scaly. His massive frame, equal in size to the land monster, was covered in seaweed. His barrel chest vibrated with fury and sparkling, spiked teal wings burst from his back.

“Oh my God,” I choked out as my knees buckled in relief. “He’s beautiful.”

“Aye, lassie. Avast ye!” Gene shouted, doing a spastic jig. “The tar-stained, crab-infested, sweatered-son of a sea snake is a sight to behold! Methinks the landlubber has a black stain headin’ for him. Gonna dance with Jack Ketch! Thar blows a picaroon scallywag about to drink the bilge water. Wish I had me spyglass. Batten down the hatches! The flounderin’, barrel-bellied son of a sea hound is about to get his dungbie shoved up his dungbie.”

“Is that good?” Umbrella asked, not understanding a word of Gene’s diatribe.

“Aye,” Gene grunted, squeezing Umbrella’s nose with glee.

“The gloves,” I said in a panic. “Neither is wearing the talisman.”

“Uh oh. Not good,” Gunter said, pacing the small area we were trapped in like a caged animal. “The glove disintegrated when he morphed. Not good. Not good.”

My stomach dropped. The wave of hope I’d felt disappeared and a sense of helpless despair consumed me. “Have to get out of here. NOW.”

“Nay, lassie,” Gene said. “Tis not yar fight.”

A hammer pounded in my head and the feeling of helplessness overwhelmed me.

“I can’t lose him,” I whispered.

“Ye won’t,” Gene said, cupping my chin and staring me right in the eye. “If the shite stain goes, ye will be goin’ with him. A love like yars will never die.”

His words were a comfort and an agony. Sucking up my ego and my selfishness, I focused on the breathtaking sea monster. If I couldn’t fight beside him, I would silently support him just as he had done for me. Leviathan was my love, my reason and my equal.

I would follow him beyond the living realm until time ceased to exist.

I just prayed we’d have more time to exist in this realm.

24

Levi

“You think that will help you?” Behemoth roared, kicking at the steaming water that came up to his knees.

“Can’t hurt,” I said, standing my ground and absorbing the power from the water. “How does it feel to have to fight me alone?”

“Fantastic!” he bellowed, shooting a flaming explosion of fire at my head.

I swallowed it. The beast was shocked and furious. The look of surprise in his eyes was cathartic to me. I’d waited my entire life to have the opportunity to fight back. It had been denied me… until today.

He tried again.

Again, I swallowed it.

“Tasty,” I growled. My deep, gravelly sea monster voice echoed ominously through the room and bounced off the walls. “Got any more? I’m hungry.”

“Parlor tricks,” Behemoth snarled, then smiled, revealing his black teeth. “Would you like to know what I’m going to do to you, Leviathan?”

I shrugged my massive shoulders and slapped at the fast-filling lake around me with my fins. The sizzling water splashed his bristly face, singeing the coarse hair off and leaving raw, bloody skin behind. “Sure, jackass,” I replied. “Tell me what you’re going to do. I’m curious.”

The beast laughed and ignored his bleeding face. His laugh was condescending and full of contempt. The sound took me back to a place I never wanted to go again—a place I’d tried to banish from my memories. For the briefest of moments, I felt like the helpless child being held down by my father as the land beast tore my body to shreds. The abuse had started when I was ten and continued until the day my sister had ended my father.

My sickening desire for acceptance from a despicable man had made me an easy target. That had been my weakness. Love was a weakness that had caused me pain and unimaginable suffering. After the torture had started, I’d sworn never to care about anyone again. I’d been successful until the day I’d laid eyes on Anastasia.

Loving wasn’t a weakness. It was my greatest strength. Behemoth and my father might have destroyed my physical body for centuries, but they’d never owned my soul. Some think Demons have no soul. I’d ascribed to the notion all of my life… until now.

I had a soul. I had the ability to love. Neither Behemoth nor my bastard of a father could take that from me. It was what made me better than them in every way.

“Tell me, land beast,” I repeated, standing as still as a statue as my wings lazily flapped on my back. “Tell me what you think you will do to me.”

His eyes were crazed and his hulking body shuddered almost as if the freak was orgasming. It was fucking repulsive.

The beast roared and beat his hairy chest with his massive fists. Rancid spittle flew from his meaty lips as he wove his tale. It was hard to hear and horrifyingly familiar. “I, the mighty Behemoth, will burn you in a Hellfire that singes the skin from your body. The scent of your demise makes my mouth water.” He licked his thick lips greedily. “I will boil your innards and scald your blood. Your will to live will slip away. I will use your bones to pick my teeth after I eat your limbs. And when you believe blessed death will take you from this eternal damnation… I shall heal you… and begin again.”

It a moment of stupefying clarity, I realized the tale didn’t hold me in a captive state of fear anymore. It was my past. It was dead to me. I was all about my future.

“That’s it?” I asked. “That’s all you’ve got?”

The beast was stymied and enraged. “Did you hear me?” he shrieked. “I, the mighty Behemoth, will burn you in a Hellfire that singes the skin from your body. The scent of your demise makes my mouth water. I will boil—”

“Yep. Got it. Been there, done that,” I reminded him. “Do you have anything to add? You know, something new?”

His rage increased. His gaze narrowed and his wooly brow creased in disbelief. “Knock the water from your ears, sea monster,” he hissed. “Hear what I say.”

I winked at the asshole. “Heard every word,” I replied evenly. “If you have nothing new to add, let’s get this party started.”

The beast clearly had water in his ears…

“I, the mighty Behemoth, will burn you in a Hellfire that singes the skin from your body. The scent of your demise makes my mouth water. I will boil your innards and scald your blood. Your will to live will slip away. I will use your bones to pick my teeth after I eat your limbs. And when you believe blessed death will take you from this eternal damnation… I shall heal you… and begin again,” he roared, repeating the scenario a second time, obviously hoping it would have a different effect.

It didn’t.

Neither of us wore the glove. They had been shredded from our bodies when we shifted. I didn’t need the glove. The talisman was an object with no meaning—a means to an end. Satan had sent me on a wild goose chase that ended with what I assumed were his desired results.

I smiled and shook my massive head. The old man was a dick, but he was a wise dick. The son of a bitch had banned me from my own personal firepit in Hell. He’d forced me to meet my sister while fully aware that Anastasia—my True Mate—would be present. The sneaky bastard had coerced me into working with the pirate and the Viking… another shadily brilliant move—most likely knowing Paris was meant for Gunter, thus pushing the violent little Vamp into my life as well.

He’d made me deal with the man I’d become instead of the broken Demon I used to be.

The Devil did not despise me. I no longer despised him. The Arbiter of Hell had given me a priceless gift—the ability to fight my demons, so to speak. He hadn’t wrapped it well and it all could have ended in tragedy, but that was beside the point. This time it was the effort that counted.

And I would return the favor and give the Devil a chance… a chance to know each other.

However, I had an issue to resolve—an ugly, smelly, disgusting issue.

“Whenever you’re ready, I’m good to go,” I told Behemoth. “I’ve got a lot to do today. It would be great to get this over with. You feel me?”

His bark was far worse than his bite. The volume of Behemoth’s furious roar shook the foundation of the palace and caused geysers of water to erupt from the marble floor. The scalding liquid rolled over me and I luxuriated in the sensation. My massive frame began to glow an iridescent green. Unable to spare a glance at Anastasia, I seriously hoped she wasn’t appalled.

That would suck.

As the beast continued to shriek, the walls of the palace cracked and fell. The palace disintegrated before my eyes. The water drained away and we faced off in the open desert. His eyes lit up and he bellowed with laughter.

“Prepare to die,” he growled as he launched himself at me. “I, the mighty Behemoth, will burn you in a Hellfire that singes the skin from your body. The scent of your demise makes my mouth water. I will boil your innards and scald your blood. Your will to live will slip away. I will use your bones to pick my teeth after I eat your limbs. And when you believe blessed death will take you from this eternal damnation… I shall heal you… and begin again.”

I rolled my eyes. He was a broken record and I was tired of listening. We stood face to face. Rancid breath wafted from his open mouth.

“Do you have any last words?” I asked. I was pretty much done. His rank breath in my face was enough to make me pass out. I didn’t have time for that. At this point, I could have recited his threat he’d repeated so many times.

“YES! I, the mighty Behemoth, will burn you in a Hellfire that singes the skin from your body. The scent of—”

“Enough,” I cut him off sharply. Kicking his feet out from under him with my fins, I opened my massive jaws and bit the fucker’s head off. No magic. No violent battle. Very little blood. Zero bodily injury to myself.

I’d have to call it a win. A little anticlimactic, but, all in all, not a bad way to end the day. I felt like Indiana Jones against the fancy swordsman. I hadn’t used a gun, but a guy had to work with what he had handy.

Behemoth’s flesh tasted like shit on a stick.

Spitting the revolting cranium of the land beast out of my mouth, I gagged. I really needed a damned toothbrush and a vat of mouthwash. I stared at the dead Demon who had dominated my life and nightmares for a thousand years. I felt nothing other than relief. He could no longer harm anyone ever again.

Internally thanking my sea monster, I waved my fins and took back my Demon form. After everything I’d been through in my life, I would think there was nothing left to scare me. I was wrong. I was terrified Anastasia would no longer want me now that she’d seen what I truly was. That would be a blow far worse than any I’d suffered.

Without turning, I clapped my hands and dissolved the barrier that held all who I loved safe. Standing rigidly, I kept my back to my people.

I was met with silence—the loudest and most awful silence I’d ever heard.

The soft touch on my back almost broke me. My father and Behemoth had tried and failed. The only one who could truly destroy me was the one I loved the most.

“Umm… that was kind of amazing,” Anastasia said with a giggle.

My relief was so visceral, I almost fell to the ground. Slowly turning around with a wince on my face, I stared at my reason for living.

“About that,” I said. “It doesn’t happen often.”

“Actually.” She raised her brow. “I found it kind of hot—well, not when you bit his head off, but the rest of it.”

“Seriously?” I asked, leaning forward to kiss the woman who made life make sense.

“Nope,” she said with a gag. “No kissing until you brush the asshole from your teeth, dude. I love you, but not that much.”

I threw my head back and laughed. Gene, Gunter, Paris and Umbrella sprinted over, screaming and cheering. All dropped to their knees in front of me.

Umbrella raised his head. The freak was in full clown regalia and I didn’t even have to look away. I did shudder slightly, but I was letting go of all that scared me. “I have a gift for you,” he said.

“As long as it isn’t a squishy nose, I’m in,” I said, a little concerned.

The clown smiled and honked his nose. “No, not a nose.” Wiggling his fingers and reaching into his oversized pocket, Umbrella produced a toothbrush, toothpaste and a super-sized bottle of mouthwash. “This might come in handy.”

“Understatement,” I said with a chuckle, gladly accepting the gift. “Everyone okay?”

Quickly brushing my teeth and basically drinking the bottle of mouthwash, I scanned my small army and checked for injury.

“Aye, right as rain,” Gene said, removing his clown costume, but keeping the squishy red nose firmly on his face. “Shite stain, ye have done us proud.” He glanced over at Gunter. Gunter had removed his costume as well but had decided to keep the big shoes. They were a fashion disaster with his kilt. Gunter held a beaming Paris’ hand and nodded his approval to Gene. “We’ve decided not to retire to Florida,” Gene announced.

“Really?” Anastasia asked, wrapping her arms around me and holding me tight. “Where are you going then?”

“Nowhere!” Paris Hilton squealed.

“Not following,” I said, squinting at her.

“We’re staying. With YOU!” she screamed and pointed to both Anastasia and me.

“With us?” I asked, shocked and not quite sure how to react.

Anastasia laughed and clapped her hands. If she was happy about it, then I would figure out a way to be the same. I just hoped they didn’t think they were actually living with us. That would not end well… for anyone.

“Umm…” Umbrella said, looking around at the demolished palace. “I would like to announce that I would be honored to have all of you as flatmates. While I no longer actually have a flat since it got incinerated, I shall endeavor to find a new flat immediately—a larger one. It would be my greatest honor to live with such heroic and honorable people.”

Anastasia pressed her lips together. I was aware she was trying not to scream in terror at the clown’s generous offer. We’d all seen his housekeeping skills.

“I have a better idea,” she said, gently cupping Umbrella’s cheek and giving it a squeeze. “I was going to burn the palace to the ground anyway. And I was thinking…” she looked at me and smiled. Her expression was uncertain and hopeful. “I was thinking that Levi and I would rebuild and rule together.”

A smile began to pull at my lips. I realized I hadn’t considered our future—not us; that was a given. But where we would live. “Go on,” I said, liking what I was hearing.

“Mmmkay,” Anastasia said, now smiling for real. “My Dominion is a mess. I want to rebuild it the same way I want to rebuild the palace.”

Gene honked his nose. I almost electrocuted him. “But are yar people gonna accept Demons?”

Anastasia patted the loyal freak on the head. “My people are Demons,” she said with pride. “Vampyres and Demons. The Australian Dominion will now be a land of cross-species. Period. Led by a kickass Demon dude and an equally kickass Vampyre chick.”

“I’m in,” Gunter yelled, picking up Paris and tossing the squealing Vampyre into the air.

“Me too,” she said, landing safely in her True Mate’s arms and kissing his nose.

“Aye,” Gene announced. “The shite stain needs us. I am in!”

I rolled my eyes but refrained from speaking. While I’d worked as a solo act my entire life, the idiot pirate was correct. I needed him. I needed all of them. It was insane and new to have others who had my back. The feeling did not suck.

“I will help you rebuild,” Umbrella told us. “I am envisioning a circus-themed palace.”

“Hold that thought. Actually, scrap that thought. It’s appalling,” a voice announced as the person owning it arrived in a shimmering black mist.

I agreed with the sentiment, and I was not a bit surprised to see the one who had made the excellent point.

“Uncle Fucker,” I said with a shake of my head. “Imagine seeing you here.”

The Devil’s eyes lit up at my use of his irreverent nickname. Whatever. He’d earned my disrespectful respect. He held a fully healed Fred in his arms. “This one is innocent of the crimes levied against him,” Satan announced. “The Vampyre is ninety percent good with a ten percent chance of naughty. I detect a desire to pilfer, which I highly approve of.”

“Thank you,” Fred said to the Devil.

“You’re quite welcome. Keep up the evil work.” Setting the confused Vampyre on the ground, Satan eyed the crowd and screamed when he saw Umbrella and the partially “clowned” Gene and Gunter.

“Goddammit, what is wrong with you imbeciles?” he shouted, waving his hand and creating a wind that moved all of the clowns out of his sightline. “Who did I fuck over to have to deal with this shit?”

It was better than him killing them.

Paris giggled. “I’d have to say you’ve fucked over a lot of people.”

The Devil grinned. “Yes, well, it happens when you’re as popular as I am.”

Fred raised his hand. “Excuse me, Your Highness,” he said, bowing to Anastasia. “May I have your permission to take care of a little something?”

Anastasia seemed confused, then looked in the direction Fred was focused on. Her eyes narrowed and her fangs dropped. “Yes,” she said. “Permission granted.”

Fred walked with deadly purpose to the barely alive stump of Sir Fane. “Hi there, remember me?”

“Oh yes, yes,” Sir Fane choked out, teetering on the edge of insanity. “You must help me, Fred. There’s money to be had—ten million. We can move away from this place. I beheaded the sea monster! Behemoth shall save us.”

“No can do,” Fred spat, staring down at the pathetic traitor. “Out of deference to our long acquaintance, I will be swift. You don’t deserve that, but I don’t deserve to have to live with the knowledge of prolonging it.”

Sir Fane’s eyes grew huge. “You have no right—no authority. I am now the leader. I have slain Leviathan. I command you to save me. You are my subject now.”

“Are you finished?” Fred inquired.

“Yes, yes, just pick me up and get me home. We’ll work out the rest shortly.”

“Roger that,” Fred said, pulling out a wicked-looking sword and removing Sir Fane’s head with one decisive blow.

I might have been wrong about Fred’s fighting skills. His swordsmanship was nice. The fact that he’d ended Sir Fane was appropriate. Good on him.

Satan applauded. “Ohhh, I like that one—quite vicious.” He turned his attention back to me “So, the beast is gone?”

I raised a brow and shook my head. “Why do you ask questions you already know the answer to?”

“Because I have a lovely voice and I enjoy hearing myself talk,” he informed me.

Anastasia laughed and the Devil preened at her attention. There was something due—actually overdue. I would have preferred to make my payment in private, but I wasn’t a pussy like the Devil. I would debase myself in public. The thought made me grin.

“What’s funny?” Satan demanded.

“Nothing,” I replied evenly. “I’d like to have a word with you.”

“Here?” he inquired, intrigued. “Now?”

“Here and now,” I confirmed.

My uncle eyed me warily. “Will this be painful?”

I sighed. “Not for you.”

His brows shot up. “By all means. Have your words, Leviathan.”

I looked the Devil in the eye. I stared at the evil man who wasn’t as evil as he wanted everyone to believe. The asshole was good. He’d deny it, but the truth was evident. “Thank you.”

Satan put his hand to his ear and chuckled. “What was that? I couldn’t hear you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Thank you,” I shouted. “Thank you for telling me you didn’t know. Thank you for setting up the journey that would lead me to finding myself and the woman I love more than I knew possible. Thank you for being a semi-asshole as opposed to a complete asshole… just… thank you. I would like to know you.”

The Devil was speechless. He glanced down at the charred and damp ground for a long moment. Inhaling deeply, he raised his gaze to mine. “I will say this once. If it is repeated—even partially—I shall smite the shit out of the offender.” His eyes roved the group. All nodded in fear and agreement. I simply laughed. Satan flipped me off. “I am moved by your gratitude. Normally gratitude gives me hives. I don’t look good with hives. I do not ever want to hear those words pass your lips again—at least not in public. It’s tremendously bad for my dastardly reputation.” His words were stern and ridiculous. However, his eyes twinkled with delight. “And now for the difficult part… excuse me for a second.”

The Devil walked about a hundred feet away and slashed his hand through the air. The explosion created a crater that ensured we wouldn’t have to dig a foundation for the palace. It was fucking enormous.

“Better now?” I asked as he jogged back over.

“Much,” he replied. “So, as I was saying… you’re welcome.”

“That’s it?” Paris asked the Devil.

“Yesssssss,” he hissed. “I can already feel hives coming on.”

“It’s enough,” I said, crossing to the man who I shared a bloodline with. Holding out my hand, I waited.

Satan considered my hand for a bit, then shocked me to the core. The Devil hugged me. It was awkward and strange. My return embrace was no less clumsy or less embarrassing. We looked like idiots. I didn’t care. I’d never had a stable male figure in my life—not that Satan could be considered stable, but it was the thought that counted.

“That was certainly uncomfortable,” he muttered as he backed off.

“Got that right,” I said. “We might want to eighty-six that move in the future.”

“Absolutely,” Satan agreed quickly. “Let’s pretend it never happened.”

“Works for me.”

“Alright then,” Satan said, giving everyone his most charming smile. “My work here is done. If anyone talks of this day, they are dead. I’d hate to have to do that. You all seem like nice people.”

“At the risk of electrocution, I’d also like to say thank you,” Anastasia told the Devil, stepping up next to me and taking my hand in hers.

Satan cocked his head to the side and smiled. “You’re far too lovey to smite,” he announced grandly. “I expect you to keep an eye on him. He is a Demon, after all.”

“With pleasure,” Anastasia said. “With total and complete pleasure.”

“You are both welcome in Hell,” he went on. “I will create an exception for Anastasia and I shall build you a palace of your own.”

“Appreciated, but not necessary,” I said, looking down at my Vampyre. “We’re staying here. The Australian Dominion will be open to both Demons and Vampyres.”

“Interesting,” Satan said. “Very interesting. Good luck with that.”

And on that note, the Devil—my uncle—disappeared in an explosive blast of shimmering black glitter.

Taking Anastasia into my arms, I breathed in her scent. It felt like home. After a thousand years of hopelessness, I’d finally come home.

“Wanna complete the mating?” she whispered suggestively in my ear.

“Do Demons like to lie?” I whispered back.

She laughed and kissed me. “I’m gonna go with a yes on that.”

“Correct.” With a wave of my hand, I sent our small army of beautifully strange people back to the burned-out flat. They were smart enough to figure out how to rebuild it… or at least Paris Hilton was.

Best thing I could have done. My Vampyre wasn’t kidding when she’d said that once we’d started, we wouldn’t be able to stop. It was the best and sexiest damned five days of my life.

For the first time ever, I looked forward to all the rest of my tomorrows. I had friends. I had a home. I had an extended family.

But most importantly, I had Anastasia—my reason.

She was all I needed. And I would love and worship her until the end of time.

Epilogue

Anastasia

“I think I like it,” I said, staring at the intricately carved front doors of the brand-new palace. “Do you like it?”

It had taken three weeks to rebuild the grand palace. It was far lovelier than the one that had been demolished. The amount of magic between Levi and me ensured a quick turnaround. The only reason it hadn’t taken a single afternoon were the decisions on the layout and decor. Unsurprisingly, we’d agreed on everything—especially the massive bed in the master suite. We’d even put in an extra-deep Olympic-sized pool so Levi could let his inner sea monster come out and play. I loved swimming with my sexy sea monster.

The doors had been a gift from Umbrella. That had been the only unknown.

Levi eyed the doors and grinned. “Definitely makes a statement—a loud one.”

“Hard to miss,” I agreed with a laugh.

The twelve-foot-high double doors were a gorgeous thick teak. On the right side was a carved set of Vampyre fangs set in solid gold and sparkling diamonds. On the left were Demon horns set in shimmering black onyx surrounded by rubies. It was the symbol of what we hoped to become—a Vampyre/Demon Dominion.

Levi put his arm around my shoulders. “I do like it, but I have to admit, I was slightly terrified it would have a circus theme.”

“Ditto,” I said, resting my head against his broad chest. “That would have sucked.”

“I would have incinerated it.”

“And I would have helped,” I told him, grinning.

The future of our Dominion, while not necessarily bright and sunny, was promising. Word had spread that I’d attacked Behemoth. The fact that I was still alive—or undead, in my case—to tell the tale had given all of my would-be assassins great pause. There had been only one attempt on my life so far. Levi had lost his mind but stepped back and let me handle it. Suffice it to say, the threat was vanquished. Permanently.

Zeer and two of my other former generals had survived being staked, along with the destruction of the original palace. Levi had wanted them decapitated, but I’d stepped in. Mistakes rarely happened in life—or at least in our life. I was going to give them a chance at rehabilitation. Granted, they were residing in the dungeon at the moment, but time would tell if I was right. If I was wrong, they could deal with Levi. And believe me, no one wanted to deal with Levi. The threats on his life had lessened as well. Satan had discovered that Behemoth had been behind all of the deadly aggression. Now that the beast was gone, so were the challenges on Levi’s life, for the most part.

Of course, there was a rumor floating around that anyone who attacked Levi would have to deal with the Devil himself…

Gene, Gunter and Paris Hilton had built a 1970s-style split-level ranch house on the palace property. Gene had turned out to be quite the gardener and gifted me with colorful bouquets daily. He’d also stolen himself a ship. We were in the middle of the desert, but he said it made him feel at home. It looked bizarre next to the ranch house, but the trio seemed to enjoy watching Gene swing from the crow’s nest and maim himself.

Umbrella and Fred had found a new flat about a half hour from the palace and were cohabitating quite happily. Fred was making a valiant attempt to do his chores and had stopped sleeping in a crypt. No one missed or even spoke of Sir Fane. I’d laid down new laws with strict punishments—meaning death—for draining humans. So far, so good.

Levi had made Fred and Umbrella generals in training. They were under the command of Gunter, Gene and Paris Hilton. Thus far, we’d recruited over two hundred Vampyres and Demons in our army. We vetted the recruits carefully—very carefully.

Paris Hilton had singlehandedly put a kibosh on the sexism in the Dominion. She had offered to fight anyone who believed women were lesser beings. The line of challengers had been long and vicious. She’d been thrilled and beat the living hell out of every single Vamp and Demon who dared to have an antiquated view of women.

Gunter had been filled with pride at his mate’s deadly and psychotic skills. He sat in the front row of the matches and made friendship bracelets. If the defeated and usually limbless challengers swore their fealty to Levi and myself, he gave each a bracelet for when their arms grew back. Fred had gotten in on the action and made a few bucks selling popcorn and Umbrella had made balloon animals. It was a wildly dysfunctional and bloody family affair.

“You ready for company?” Levi asked, opening our beautiful and garish new front doors.

“So ready,” I replied, looking around at the beautiful palace we’d built together. “Astrid told me she wants to bring home a kangaroo.”

Levi groaned. “My sister is a freak.”

I elbowed him. “I like freaks.”

“As do I,” he replied with a grin.

“Speaking of freaks and what they like to do,” I said, pulling on his arm, “wanna go blow some stuff up?”

Levi grinned. “A Vampyre freak after my own heart. Yes, I would love to blow shit up.”

We’d been swimming in the sinkholes around Australia over the last few weeks. It had been magical and freeing. We wanted our own. Of course, nature created the best sinkholes, but that didn’t stop us from blowing up areas near the palace and trying to create one. Mother Nature had offered to make a sinkhole for us, but Astrid had warned us that her grandmother was an incredibly destructive houseguest and usually overstayed her welcome by months. We’d thanked her and declined. I had a sneaking suspicion she’d show up anyway. She didn’t know her grandson Levi very well yet. Whatever. We’d built one palace, we could build another if Mother Nature knocked it down. As long as we were together, I didn’t care where we lived.

“I love you, Demon,” I said as I raced him out of the palace.

“Love you more, Vampyre,” he shot back, launching himself into the air.

“Not possible,” I shouted. I took a running leap and joined him.

He laughed and soared higher. “I disagree. It’s totally possible.”

“This argument could go on forever,” I pointed out as I flew above him and copped a feel of his perfect butt.

He flipped so fast I didn’t even see him move. Wrapping me in his strong embrace, he kissed me until I didn’t know which way was up.

“It’s a darn good thing you’re holding me,” I said with a giggle. “I could fall out of the sky after that kiss.”

Levi grinned. “Want me to rock your world?”

I squinted at him. “Pretty sure you just did.”

“Have you ever bow-chick-a-wow-wowed in the clouds?” he asked with a sexy lopsided smirk.

“Umm… no,” I said. “Is that possible?”

“Why don’t we find out,” he replied, zooming even higher.

It was possible.

It was possible five times.

It was the best damned bow-chick-a-wow-wow I’d ever experienced.

I was a happy undead princess. I was in love with a Demon. We had a fashionable and lovely home, loyal friends and a real future. Life was fantastic and we were just getting started… one might even say life was fashionably dead and demonic.

The End… for now

Robyn’s Book List

(in correct reading order)

HOT DAMNED SERIES

Fashionably Dead

Fashionably Dead Down Under

Hell on Heels

Fashionably Dead in Diapers

A Fashionably Dead Christmas

Fashionably Hotter Than Hell

Fashionably Dead and Wed

Fashionably Fanged

Fashionably Flawed

A Fashionably Dead Diary

Fashionably Forever After

Fashionably Fabulous

A Fashionable Fiasco

Fashionably Fooled

Fashionably Dead and Loving It

Fashionably Dead and Demonic

GOOD TO THE LAST DEATH SERIES

It’s a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

Whose Midlife Crisis Is It Anyway?

A Most Excellent Midlife Crisis

My Midlife Crisis, My Rules

You Light Up My Midlife Crisis

It’s A Matter of Midlife and Death

MY SO-CALLED MYSTICAL MIDLIFE SERIES

The Write Hook

You May be Write

SHIFT HAPPENS SERIES

Ready to Were

Some Were in Time

No Were To Run

Were Me Out

Were We Belong

MAGIC AND MAYHEM SERIES

Switching Hour

Witch Glitch

A Witch in Time

Magically Delicious

A Tale of Two Witches

Three’s A Charm

Switching Witches

You’re Broom or Mine?

The Bad Boys of Assjacket

SEA SHENANIGANS SERIES

Tallulah’s Temptation

Ariel’s Antics

Misty’s Mayhem

Petunia’s Pandemonium

Jingle Me Balls

A WYLDE PARANORMAL SERIES

Beauty Loves the Beast

HANDCUFFS AND HAPPILY EVER AFTERS SERIES

How Hard Can it Be?

Size Matters

Cop a Feel

If after reading all the above you are still wanting more adventure and zany fun, read Pirate Dave and His Randy Adventures, the romance novel budding novelist Rena helped wicked Evangeline write in How Hard Can It Be?

Warning: Pirate Dave Contains Romance Satire, Spoofing, and Pirates with Two Pork Swords.

Note From The Author

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You are the reason I write these stories and I sincerely appreciate each of you!

Many thanks for your support,

~ Robyn Peterman

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About Robyn Peterman

Robyn Peterman writes because the people inside her head won’t leave her alone until she gives them life on paper. Her addictions include laughing really hard with friends, shoes (the expensive kind), Target, Coke (the drink not the drug LOL) with extra ice in a Yeti cup, bejeweled reading glasses, her kids, her super-hot hubby and collecting stray animals.

A former professional actress with Broadway, film and T.V. credits, she now lives in the South with her family and too many animals to count.

Writing gives her peace and makes her whole, plus having a job where she can work in sweatpants works really well for her.

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