Date: 2020-03-30 07:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Romance; Paranormal; Fantasy; Humour; Vampires
Description: A day in the life of the Devil should be exhilarating—lying, stealing, cheating at poker and finally beating Mr. Rogers… Life should be wonderful. Right? Wrong. The love of my dastardly immortal life is eating everything that isn’t nailed down and tried to behead me over a chocolate croissant. While I take chocolate croissants very seriously, I do believe decapitation is somewhat harsh. My daughters, the Seven Deadly Sins, are driving me to drink. Getting them mated off and the hell out of Hell is at the top on my agenda. The one thing that is keeping me sane—sane being a relative word—is my u

Fashionably Fooled

Robyn Peterman

Copyright © 2020 by Robyn Peterman

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is coincidental.

This book contains content that may not be suitable for young readers 17 and under.

Cover by Rebecca Poole of dreams2media

Edited by Cookie Inc.

Created with Vellum

Contents

Acknowledgments

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Epilogue

Note From The Author

Excerpt from: It’s A Wonderful Midlife Crisis

Book Description

Chapter 1

Robyn’s Book List

About Robyn Peterman

Acknowledgments

Writing The Hot Damned Series is like coming home. All of the characters live inside my head and talk constantly. I love all of them, but Satan is one of my favorites. Don’t tell the others and do not tell him. His ego is big enough right now. He flies from my fingertips and constantly surprises and appalls me. LOL

My hope is that you enjoy reading Fashionably Fooled as much as I loved writing it. Each book I write is like giving birth to another beautiful baby. This baby happens to be naughty and full of delightful and ridiculous fun.

Anyhoo, as always, I write the book, but it takes a whole lot of wonderful people to make the magic happen. I am a lucky girl because I have a lot of wonderful people in my life.

Rebecca, thank you for my beautiful cover. You are the bomb!

My Cookie, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You saved me from some embarrassing mistakes. When we meet again, I will kiss your butt for real. LOL

Renee George and J.M. Madden, thank you. You are the most brilliant critique partners in the world! I don’t know what I would do without you.

My Magic Wanda, you kick ass on a daily basis. I’d be screwed without you. Thank you.

My beta readers—Wanda and Susan thank you. I adore you.

And to my readers… thank you. I do this for you.

Steve, Henry and Audrey, thank you. I love you and you make everything worth it.

Dedication

For my Best Cookie.

You saved my ass on this one.

I adore you.

Chapter One

“I have an outstanding plan,” I announced, leaning back in my leather chair and propping my feet up on the massive desk.

“Says the nutjob who thought blackmailing me into writing his profanely disgusting and over-sexed autobiography was a good idea,” Astrid muttered as she casually examined her manicure.

“Surely you jest,” I said flatly. I raised my brow and gave the Vampyre/Demon a look that would make most drop to their knees in terror and beg forgiveness. However, this particular Vampyre/Demon simply grinned. “My book was a New York Times Bestseller and the film version won an Oscar.”

Astrid threw her head back and laughed so hard, I smiled in spite of myself. If I were being honest—which was rare—I’d fully admit I’d bought my way onto the bestsellers’ list and had bribed each and every Oscar voter. However, just as a tiger was unlikely to change his stripes, the arbiter of evil had no desire to become an honest man. I adored evil and I wore it well. But most of all, I knew how to have an outstanding time doing outrageously bad things. It didn’t hurt that I was a devastatingly handsome son of a bitch.

Being the Devil did not suck.

“Are you done?” I asked as she continued to laugh like a loon.

“Almost,” Astrid replied, still giggling.

As much as Astrid made me want to incinerate buildings, it was refreshing to spend time with someone who wasn’t terrified of me. Of course, my niece’s blatant disrespect could be trying, but then again, a price had to be paid for everything.

“I’m done,” she said, swallowing back a few leftover giggles.

“You’re sure?” I inquired.

“No, but keep talking. If I need to laugh again, I’ll raise my middle finger and aim it at you. Cool?” she shot back, grinning.

“No, not cool,” I replied.

“Oh, my Hell,” Astrid griped. “You’re such an asshat. You called me to your neck of the Universe. Spit out what you want. I have a movie date with my son and husband in an hour.”

My niece was correct, not about the ridiculous name she called me, but about summoning her to Hell. I wanted Astrid to do something, and I wouldn't take no for an answer. Hence, the meeting in my intimidatingly fabulous office. However, as usual, she wasn’t appropriately cowed. So be it. I would win. I always did.

“Fine. Here’s what I’m thinking… since you owe me, I shall let you throw me a grand surprise birthday party. I want something on the scale of Christmas but bigger—national attention, complete worship of me,” I said as I heard a strange hiss and scanned my office warily.

My incredibly rude niece sat on the black leather couch and rolled her eyes so hard she should have been able to see her backside. Normally that kind of behavior would merit a vicious comeback or a threat. Often times it delighted me to light something or someone on fire when I didn’t feel I was getting the respect I was due. As a half-Vampyre/half-Demon, Astrid would survive electrocution. This morning I was off my game. Plus, my niece was a wild one. If I zapped her, she’d zap me right back. While I enjoyed her lack of fear, I enjoyed my custom Armani suit more.

Not to mention, almost getting decapitated before I’d summoned my niece had made me unusually cautious… the Devil wasn’t necessarily known for self-restraint, but there was a first time for everything.

Even so, she clearly hadn't heard what I heard.

“When you think, I get gas,” Astrid said, noticing the buffet table and eyeing it with ire.

“You’re dead. That’s impossible,” I reminded her. “Bodily functions are a thing of your past.”

“And you’re a gaping hole of rude,” she snapped, pointing a perfectly manicured nail at the onyx marble table laden with silver platters of breakfast delicacies. “You know I can’t eat. You know that makes me stabby. Yet, for some unexplainable reason, you call me to Hell and make me look at food. Total jackhole move, Uncle Fucker.”

“Shit,” I muttered, as the Dark Palace began to tremble on its foundation. I quickly grabbed the mesh desk organizer with a sliding drawer, double tray, and five upright sections that I’d stolen from my mother. Surprisingly, Mother Nature had a delightfully large array of office supplies. I’d be pissed if it shattered. I’d only absconded with it last month and hadn’t enjoyed it properly, yet.

“What in the mother humpin’ Hell?” Astrid yelled as the couch she was seated on slid across the room and dumped her onto the black marble floor.

An unnerving and terrorizing rumble shook the office and echoed ominously through Hell. I considered moving my meeting with Astrid to a safer part of the Dark Palace. Surely Elle wouldn’t attack me again with a guest present. However, my mate seemed to have lost her mind as of late, and I had no clue what she would do next. Normally, I found Elle’s violent tendencies arousing. This morning? Definitely not.

Astrid eyed me with concern as she warily got to her feet. “Was that a freakin’ earthquake?”

“Not exactly,” I said, staying as vague as I could. It wouldn’t really do to explain that I’d almost been beheaded by the woman I loved over breakfast. Not to mention, Astrid tended to have loose lips, and I didn’t need the Immortal Universe to know that my mate was trying to dismember me. I had the reputation of being an evil badass to uphold.

“Mmmkay,” Astrid said, still on edge as she began to pace. “Maybe I should come back another time when Hell isn’t about to blow up, and you don’t have a table of food on display that makes me want to permanently rearrange your face.”

“About that,” I whispered, glancing around the area again. “I wanted to have the buffet removed before you arrived, but… DUCK,” I shouted as I grabbed Astrid and threw her under my desk.

Her head hit the wood with a loud thud, and I winced as a sharp knife slammed into my upper leg. Thankfully, Astrid and I were Immortal and would heal quickly. The perpetrator of the attack disappeared as quickly as she’d appeared.

“What the actual fuck?” Astrid demanded, punching me in the stomach as I wedged my huge frame under the desk next to her.

“Shhh,” I whispered, pulling the dagger out of my hip and melting it with a flick of my fingers. “She’s trying to kill me.”

“So am I, Asshole of the Underworld,” Astrid hissed and blasted me with a bolt of searing hot magic.

“Lord of the Underworld,” I corrected her.

“Same thing,” she said with a raised brow. “Anyhoo, as the Dork of Down Under you’re impossible to kill. A dagger in the derriere isn’t gonna do much.”

Astrid demonstrated her statement with another painful blast of lightning.

“See,” she said with a giggle. “You’re still breathing.”

“Stop it. And it wasn’t my ass, it was my hip,” I snapped, still keeping my voice low. “If I retaliate, the Dark Palace will explode. I’d suggest you keep your itchy trigger fingers in your pockets, or I’ll come for an extended vacation to the Cressida House and make your life a living Hell—which is my specialty. I’ve had a seriously bad morning.”

Astrid sighed dramatically, zapped me again and pushed me out from under the desk with her stiletto clad feet. I was now exposed. For a brief moment, I considered pulling Astrid out from beneath the desk and crawling back to relative safety, but that was a cowardly move. I was many things, but I was not a coward.

“First of all, you’re doing an outstanding job of making my life a living Hell right now even though I’m technically dead. And I’m really not sure how, but somehow, you’ve made me feel sorry for you,” Astrid said with an exasperated shake of her head. “Who’s trying to kill you and why? If your story is even remotely plausible or makes any sense whatsoever, I’ll help you by putting an end to someone stupid enough to try to off the Devil’s ass.”

“No,” I said quickly. “No offing necessary. It’s Elle. She’s become very food aggressive. I think it’s a Siren thing. She electrocuted me for just looking at her blueberry muffin.”

My statement rendered my filter-less niece silent. I was perplexed as well. I’d even gone so far as calling my mother about the conundrum with my mate but got her voice mail. Her ludicrous message informed anyone who called that she was at a pole dancing competition in Belize, where cell reception was spotty at best. Mother Nature kept a bizarre and horrifying social calendar.

“The Keeper of Fate tried to annihilate you for looking at her muffin?” Astrid asked, trying to bite back her grin.

She failed miserably.

“It’s not humorous,” I hissed.

“Actually, it is,” she contradicted me. “However, just to be clear here, blueberry muffin isn’t code for some warped sexual thingie. Right?”

“It is not code for anything,” I huffed. “It was a goddamned blueberry muffin. I don’t even like blueberry muffins. I didn’t want her muffin. I didn’t reach for her muffin. I barely even looked at her muffin.”

“Can we call it something other than muffin?” Astrid inquired. “While I understand this is a fairly serious conversation, I can’t keep a straight face when you keep referring to your mate’s muffin. You feel me?”

Closing my eyes and squeezing my hands into fists so I didn’t incinerate most of Hell due to the hissy fit that was brewing inside me, I nodded. However, a muffin was a muffin. I wasn’t a walking fucking thesaurus. I knew no other term for the unfortunate breakfast food.

“And what would you suggest I call it?” I asked tersely as I stood up. “Sweet roll?”

“Umm… no. Sweet roll still sounds grossly sexual.”

“For the love of everything dastardly, pick something. I have no time for this. I could lose a body part at any moment,” I insisted.

“Puffy fruit pastry?” Astrid suggested with a wrinkled nose, crawling out on all fours from under the desk and walking back to the couch. Her lopsided grin was filled with massive disrespect.

“No. Puffy fruit pastry is unacceptable.” While I normally found Astrid’s lack of respect charming, right now… not so much. She’d just made me aware that most breakfast items could easily sound like a woman’s nether region. For a moment, I couldn’t even remember why I’d summoned her.

“How about blueberry breakfast bread? That term doesn’t sound like a va-jayjay nickname,” she offered, still smiling.

“Fine,” I snapped. “I was almost beheaded for glancing at Elle’s blueberry breakfast bread. Better?”

“Nope. Still sounds nasty,” Astrid said with a laugh. “However, I got it. No need to say muffin again, Uncle Fucker.”

“Excellent,” I said, glancing around to make sure Elle hadn’t popped back into the room and was within easy decapitation distance. While I could grow my head back, it would be incredibly itchy, and I had a full agenda for the day. “Do you have any idea why Elle might have tried to maim me over a…”

“Muffin?” Astrid supplied with a naughty grin. “Not a clue. Now, if she was a Vampyre and couldn’t eat, I could see how having muffins around might be an issue. I mean, I would freakin’ lose it if Ethan could ingest food and ate in front of me. I’d go straight for his nuts. Eating is serious business to someone who has to drink blood—a concept I still find slightly disgusting. I dream about pizza and black raspberry chip ice cream all the time. But… I suppose it could be possible that Aunt Flow is visiting and that might be causing the muffin warmongering. Being dead, I don’t have to deal with that shit anymore. Dead does have its advantages. So, in conclusion, if Elle is dealing with the curse, I really can’t help you out, dude.”

“Who in the Hell is Aunt Flo and what curse?” I demanded, completely confused by Astrid’s diatribe. However, if there was some distant relation named Flo that I could blame and incinerate for Elle’s behavior, it would greatly improve my mood. A little violence could go a long way towards making a day fantastic. Although, a curse was something altogether different.

“Decapitation is probably only on the table for a week to ten days. You need to relax your crack,” Astrid said.

“I’m sorry. What?” I hissed as my eyes narrowed to slits.

It was a look that had terrified millions. I’d perfected it and it looked damned good on me. Astrid wasn’t impressed.

“You have eight daughters. Correct?” she asked.

“Don’t remind me,” I muttered. Only one of my eight daughters didn’t drive me to drink. Dixie was not the best as far as Demons went since she had a kind and compassionate side, but she was my favorite by far. Dixie was a true and loyal delight even though her need for fairness was bothersome. The Seven Deadly Sins were another story—a horror story to be precise.

Those girls were a hot deadly mess and needed to get the Hell out of Hell. Of course, finding mates for them was nearly impossible due to the unsavory fact that most of their paramours didn’t survive the first date. Rumors spread quickly in Hell and getting anyone to even look twice at one of my spawn was an unnerving situation for any male with a shred of sense. I had plans to unload them soon. They’d be none too pleased, but taking their credit cards, cell phones and cutting off their allowances would go a long way toward getting them mated off and out of my hair.

“You freely admit you have daughters?” Astrid pressed.

Where she was going with this was anyone’s guess. My niece had a habit of talking in circles—usually confounding circles.

“Yes. Your point?”

“Demon DNA and Siren DNA is close to human DNA,” Astrid stated with the beginnings of a smile on her lips.

I nodded curtly. She was up to no good, but if she had any kind of information that might help, I was willing to listen. Of course, if she didn’t, I’d be sure to visit her home and profanely enhance her decor on a much more regular basis.

“Get to the point,” I said, glancing over at the door to Elle’s closet where she’d barricaded herself after the muffin episode.

“Girls get periods,” Astrid said with an eye roll as I blanched in terror. “They can get hungry and irritable during the visit from Aunt Flow. The medical term is hangry.”

“Aunt Flo isn’t a real person?” I asked, displeased that I had no one to torture.

“Umm… no. It’s spelled F L O W, not F L O.”

“I see,” I said, pacing my office while keeping half an eye on Elle’s door. “Let me get this straight, you’re saying Elle might be having her lady time right now, and that’s what’s causing her to want to behead me for looking at her muffin?”

“Something like that,” Astrid said. “It stands to reason since Elle’s a Siren, she might be a little more violent than a human on the rag. I mean, in the old days Sirens ate dudes after they banged them.”

“Quite an interesting theory,” I said, thinking the information through and ignoring the way it had been presented. Even the thought of Elle with another man made me homicidal.

Astrid had come up with a reasonable explanation. My lover had been insanely irrational and obsessively hungry—or hangry—for anything sweet she could get her hands on. She’d had the head chef in Hell bake her several dozen cookies, six pies and four sheet cakes only yesterday. She’d gone through all of it within an hour. It was appallingly impressive. She’d also stabbed me with a fork when she accused me of cheating during Monopoly. She was correct. I always cheated. However, my Siren cheated as well. That being said, I thought a fork to the palm that pinned my hand to the game table was slightly harsh for hiding money under the board, but now her behavior made sense.

“How does this sound?” I suggested, pulling a plan out of my ass. “I will tell her I’m aware that she is menstruating and hangry. I will explain to her that her absurd and vicious behavior—while unacceptable—is understandable. I shall forgive her for trying to decapitate me and stabbing me with a fork,” I announced, getting into it. Occasionally, I astounded myself with my own brilliance. “I will inform her that eating enough for twenty male Demons in one sitting—while shocking—is no big deal. I will assure her that I still find her sexually attractive and will happily settle for blow jobs during her time of the month. Although, I’m all for sex during the curse.”

“You’re gonna die,” Astrid choked out on a horrified laugh. “You are a dead Demon walking.”

“What was wrong with that?” I demanded. Women were so fucking hard to understand. The truth did not set you free. I was apparently an idiot to think that anything but falsehoods were acceptable.

“Everything. Everything was wrong with that,” she informed me. “You’re gonna keep your trap shut—hard but doable when the future of your salami is on the line. You’re gonna supply Elle with lots of muffins and cookies. If she wants to stab you for cheating, beat her to it and stab yourself. You feel me, Uncle Fucker?”

“You’re sure about this information?” I asked warily. The thought of having to regrow my exceptional family jewels was extremely unappealing.

“Positive,” Astrid said.

“Fine,” I said. “I will follow your bizarre directives, but if I lose either one of my heads—and I’m speaking in the literal sense—I will blame you and make you pay.”

“Whatever… and gross. You’ve just placed an image in my brain that I’m going to need therapy to remove,” Astrid said with a disgusted eye roll. “And I’m not throwing you a birthday party. You don’t even have a birthday.”

“I prefer womb eviction day,” I told her. “And I most certainly do have a special day. I pried the date out of my questionably sane mother.”

“She can remember that far back?” Astrid asked.

“Do you value your life?”

“True Immortal here,” she said with a wink. “I’m unkillable just like you.”

“I do have a date, but I’m keeping the information private at the moment so no one can steal it,” I said.

“Kinda hard to plan a party if I don’t know when it is?” she pointed out.

“Excellent. I was sure you’d accept the challenge,” I said.

“Did Elle punch you in the head?” Astrid asked.

“As a matter of fact, yes,” I replied. “Right before she tried to decapitate me with the cake knife, she gave me a warning right hook. I thought it was considerate.”

“I’ve got nothing,” Astrid said with another eye roll. “You guys have a warped idea of affection.”

“Your point?”

“No point. An observation,” she replied.

“You should leave now,” I told her. “It’s almost noon, and Elle is a hellion at lunchtime as of late. Get to work on my party. I shall send you an invitation list and the menu.”

“And the date?” Astrid pressed in a voice dripping with sarcasm.

“All in good time,” I said with a grin.

“Dude, you have to give me a ballpark date or I’m not doing it,” Astrid said, standing up, slapping her hands on her hips and eyeing me with annoyance. “And where are we having this surprise-not surprise party?”

“You’re planning it,” I said, waving my hand dismissively. “Find someplace that will hold about a hundred thousand and will get outstanding press coverage.”

“Human press coverage?” she asked, confused. “You’re going to out yourself on national television that you’re the freakin’ Devil and it’s your birthday? Pretty sure that’s a no-no.”

Damnit to Hell, Astrid had a point. Jesus had actually lived as a human before he snagged Christmas as his own. I was known to the human world as Blade Inferno, the highest-paid romance author in the Universe—not Satan, the Harbinger of Evil. I suppose I could create the massive holiday for my nom de plume, but that would defeat the purpose. The entire point was to beat my nephew Jesus’ celebration and piss off my brother God. The bastard had won poker night for three months straight without cheating. Even Mr. Rogers was put out by God’s fucking insane windfall, and Fred was the nicest son-of-a-bitch in the Universe. If I didn’t use my real identity, the plan was moot.

“This is a conundrum,” I muttered as I made a mental pro and con list. The con side was winning. Under normal circumstances that would be lovely, but not this time.

“I have a safer idea,” Astrid offered. “No press. We just invite other wacked out Immortal freaks like us, and we limit it to a hundred.”

“A thousand,” I countered. “And it shall take place at your abode.”

“Five hundred,” she shot back. “And the party will be in Hell.”

“Fine,” I snapped. “It shall be a black-tie event and everyone has to bring expensive presents—preferably stolen.”

“Well, that’s certainly going to look awesome on an invitation.”

“Yes, I agree,” I replied.

“I was being sarcastic, jackhole.”

“My bad.”

“I should say so,” Astrid said with an exasperated grunt. “I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this. And PS… I don’t owe your sorry ass. I’m going to do this because I luuurve you.”

“Are you trying to give me hives?” I demanded as my fingers began to spark with the need to blow something to smithereens. It was embarrassing how many thought it was fine to overshare their nauseating feelings of affection with me. Of course, secretly, I enjoyed it, but my reputation had to be upheld or all Hell would break loose. Literally.

“I am,” Astrid replied with a laugh. “Is it working?”

“It is,” I said flatly, putting a bit more distance between us. It would end badly if Astrid tried to hug me. Even I knew it would be incredibly rude to remove a body part while blackmailing my niece into throwing me a party. “Just be ready for the soiree at the beginning of April. I expect it to be a party that will make everyone forget Christmas exists. And since my restraining order is still in place, you will speak with Steve Perry about performing at the event.”

“No can do,” Astrid said, shaking her head. “You kidnapped him. There is no way he’s gonna sing at your womb eviction celebration.”

“For the love of everything illegal,” I shouted. “I did not kidnap the greatest living singer on the planet. The Seven Deadly Sins kidnapped him as my Christmas gift. It was the nicest thing those out of control wenches ever did for me.”

Astrid rolled her eyes and shrugged. “Semantics. Although, I do agree that they’re completely out of control. You were involved by association. Steve Perry isn’t really fond of you.”

“And that’s a problem?” I asked, not following. “I’m not a real well-liked individual. I’m Satan for fuck’s sake. If I was well-liked it would defeat the purpose.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Astrid conceded rudely. “I make no promises on that one.”

“You will succeed,” I said flatly. “I don’t like the word no unless I’m using it.”

Astrid raised her middle finger. “You’re kind of a dick.”

“Thank you,” I replied.

“Wasn’t a compliment, Uncle Fucker.”

“Semantics,” I replied, throwing the word back at her. “And if you really must know, my birthday is April 1st.”

“You’re shitting me,” Astrid said with wide eyes and a belly laugh. “Mother Nature told you your birthday was April 1st?”

“I shit you not,” I growled, wondering what the Hell was so funny. For a brief moment, I debated if I’d chosen the wrong family member to blackmail into planning my soiree.

A massive blast of thunder reverberated through the Dark Palace. Priceless stolen art fell from the walls and crashed to the marble floor. I cringed as the original Mona Lisa tore clean in half. It had taken me half a century to successfully procure the piece. No matter, da Vinci enjoyed the occasional poker game in Hell even though he resided in Heaven. I’d simply cheat at cards, get him drunk, and coerce him into painting me a new Mona Lisa.

A series of Hell rocking explosions followed, shaking the foundations of the Underworld. Of course, the term Underworld wasn’t exactly accurate as Heaven, Hell and Earth were all on the same plane. Right now, geography was an absurd concept to be pondering considering Hell was about to be wiped off the Immortal map.

There was no time to figure out why Astrid thought April 1st was a joke. Life and limb were at risk. Not my life per se, but definitely my limbs. I’d have to suss out why my birth date was humorous another time. It would be terribly embarrassing to have my niece witness my beheading.

“What the Hell is happening?” Astrid shouted as her fangs dropped, she began to glow, and her hair blew around her head.

All signs pointed to mass destruction. Astrid was ferocious in battle and I didn’t need her battling with Fate over blueberry breakfast bread.

“Leave now,” I shouted over the continuous explosions.

“I’m not leaving you,” she yelled back. “You need me.”

“I’m fucking Satan,” I roared. “I need no one.”

Despite the fact that all Hell was breaking loose, Astrid laughed. “What have I told you about that line? You seriously need a new catchphrase unless you can bang yourself.”

I’d walked right into that one. Again. “OUT. NOW.”

“I can’t die, you idiot,” Astrid reminded me. “I’m staying.”

“There are many things worse than death,” I shot back.

“Like what?” she demanded, snapping her fingers and arming herself with swords and throwing stars.

“Like a blueberry muffin shoved up your undead ass by Fate.”

Astrid’s horrified expression would have amused me to no end if I hadn't been deadly serious.

“I’m out of here,” she said as she disappeared in a cloud of glittering gold and red mist.

She was a smart girl.

Me? I was staying in my own personal Hell.

Smart? Absolutely not.

Chapter Two

“Holy Hell,” I shouted as I expertly ducked a machete aimed at my head. “Was it something I said?”

Most people would be electrocuted for far less.

Elle stayed silent as she stared daggers at me, scooped up the platter of chocolate croissants from the table and retreated back to her enormous closet—to eat them… I assumed. However, far be it from me to assume anything where my mate was concerned. Everything I assumed lately made an ass out of me.

Even though I was quite certain I was going to have to regrow an appendage, I was still wildly attracted to the breathtaking woman who had stolen my evil black heart. I was insane, but that was a given considering my mother was the craziest woman in the Universe. I’d clearly inherited the stark raving mad gene from Mother Nature while my brother God had not. The unfairness of Immortal life never failed to boggle my mind.

Knocking tentatively on the closet door, I prepared myself for electrocution. “Darling, would you like to talk about what’s bothering you without dismembering me? I can’t help if I’m not aware of what’s going on.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” Elle pouted from the other side of the door. “Every time I look at your face, I want to remove it.”

That wouldn't end well. My face was gorgeous. “Did I do something to upset you?”

There was a long silence as she thought. “I think it’s that you’re breathing,” she eventually shared.

Again, not encouraging.

My stomach dropped, but I pressed on. “Do you regret our mating?”

“No. I love you.”

“But you feel the need to decapitate me?” I inquired, getting more confused by the second.

“Yes.”

“Would it help if I stabbed myself?” I asked, remembering Astrid’s advice.

“That would be nice,” Elle replied. “I think it would cheer me up.”

Shit. The things a man did to keep his woman happy. Although, Astrid had just earned a few points.

“Wonderful. I’d be delighted to stab myself for you, lover,” I lied through my teeth. “Would you like to come out of the closet so you can watch me impale myself on a sword.”

“Can I eat the chocolate croissants first?” she called out.

“Of course. Just let me know when you’re ready to observe me skewer myself,” I said, trying to keep my tone conversational and light even though I was speaking of goring a body part for her.

“Thank you, Lucifer. I love you.”

She certainly had a strange way of showing it, but then again, we were a strange couple.

* * *

“Where in the Hell are my Demon Generals?” I snapped as I scanned the meeting room in annoyance.

My office doubled as the war room in the Dark Palace. Normally, the strategically placed turn of the century instruments of torture and the obscene statues calmed me. Today? Not so much. Deadly mischief was afoot. I’d received an alarming letter and I needed to eliminate the sender immediately.

Ten of my top warriors were seated at the onyx marble table looking tremendously uncomfortable. The breakfast food from earlier had been removed—or rather eaten—by Elle. Aunt Flow’s visit had made my lover extremely hangry. As Elle was barricaded in the closet, I went on with my necessary business and hoped to Hell and back she would stay put for at least a half an hour. There were at least four dozen chocolate croissants on the platter.

The Demons at the meeting trembled and refused to make eye contact. I was aware that all had just lived through a series of vicious explosions and earthquakes, but this was ridiculous. Striking fear in my subjects was necessary and delightful. However, these particular Demons were chosen due to their lack of a fear gene. Their state of agitation wasn’t expected or welcome.

Apparently, word of my womb eviction day had spread, and someone wanted to stop it and end me. That was unacceptable. I couldn’t even blame Astrid for sharing the news as the letter had arrived via a four-headed vulture yesterday right after Elle had eaten a vat of nacho cheese without the chips.

Closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose, I sighed dramatically.

The terror in the room increased.

“I believe I called a meeting,” I ground out through clenched teeth as I noticed a bit of chocolate on the sleeve of my custom Armani suit. I was half tempted to lick it off. However, that wasn’t exactly dignified, and I was still somewhat terrified of my mate’s new and unhealthy obsession with sweets. I’d sworn off anything with sugar in it for the foreseeable future.

As the world’s greatest lover, one would think I understood women—especially my woman. One would be wrong.

My plate was rather full at the moment, and I didn’t have time for anyone to disobey, dissent, or spread the news that I’d licked my suit. My sanity had been sorely tested already this morning due to my almost decapitation over blueberry breakfast bread. I’d also promised to stab myself. My life, or lack thereof, was precarious right now.

I was the damned leader of the Damned. This was not working for me.

“For shit and giggles,” I began as the Demons squirmed in their seats. “Would anyone like to share why Darby, Dino, and Dagwood are absent?”

It still irked me that my three top Demon Generals had chosen new monikers. What was so wrong with Skuolonu, Bealsahm and Gamunoch? I was fortunate. I went by many names—Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, Divine Asshole and occasionally Uncle Fucker… I tried so hard to let the Demons find themselves creatively. Happy Demons—a relative term—were more productive. However, this changing of names game had frayed my last nerve… not to mention they were late.

But then again, when one lived for thousands of years, it was difficult to begrudge them some amusement—although, not the tardy part. As far as everyone was concerned, I was the only one allowed to be fashionably late in Hell.

Expelling another a long sigh, I placed my hands on the table in full view of my men. This was a sign that I was doing my best not to smite them where they sat. I wanted answers, and I wanted them now.

“Speak,” I growled.

“They are presently in the infirmary,” one of the men whispered with a hint of a smile on his lips.

“Should I inquire as to why?” I asked.

“No Sire, you should not,” the Demon replied, bowing his head in respect or possibly hiding his mirth.

“Because?” I pressed.

“Tell him,” another Demon said, grinning from ear to ear.

This was not going to be good. Smiling Demons were a bad omen.

“Darby lit Dagwood’s asshole on fire, and Dino got caught in the blaze,” the first Demon choked out. “Third-degree burns on ninety percent of each of them.”

Speechless. I was rendered speechless for a moment. Difficult to do, but clearly possible.

“And why, pray tell, were they lighting their assholes on fire?” I asked, trying to keep my own smile in check. It wouldn’t do to show my horrified amusement when I was pissed.

“Beans,” a Demon at the far end of the table announced with a chuckle. “Technically, they were lighting farts, not assholes. Apparently, the gaseous content was high, and a harmless prank turned into an explosion of baked sphincters.”

I’d never heard of anything so ludicrous in my long and very colorful life.

“And where did they come up with this unsavory pastime?” I asked, still not sure whether to laugh or blow something up.

“The internet,” another replied.

“Of course,” I muttered with an eye roll. “How long are they expected to be in the infirmary?”

“Twenty-four hours,” a Demon said. “It was a big fire.”

“Unacceptable,” I muttered, glancing at the smirking faces of my men. They were all idiots. I needed someone who could get the job done. I knew who I needed to call, but his baggage was terrifying.

So be it. I had no choice. Between having my womb eviction day and possibly my life threatened, I still had to plunge a sword into my gut to please my irrationally hangry mate, I was a very busy Harbinger of Evil.

“Find Lizard. Tell him I have a mission for him. I’d prefer he come alone, but that’s not a deal breaker,” I commanded, closing my eyes in phantom pain of what was about to transpire. “I want him in Hell in an hour. Am I clear?”

“Yes, Sire,” the Demons answered in unison as they bowed and quickly made their exit.

Today was turning out to be a Hell of a day and not in a good way.

There was no rest for the wicked.

* * *

An hour later, Lizard stood in front of my desk flanked by his two Vampyre mates. The two ancient nightmares had waddled right into my office with my Demon warrior. Sadly, it was a fallacy that Vampyres had to be invited in. Garlic and crosses were also a myth. Decapitation or a silver stake through the heart were indeed sure-fire ways to eliminate a Vampyre, but that wouldn’t go over very well at the moment. Lizard was attached to the geriatric dead women, and I enjoyed Lizard tremendously. His loyalty and penchant towards violence was delightful. Killing his unfortunate choice of mates would be counterproductive and rude. I was working on my social skills, and it was incredibly tiresome.

Martha and Jane smiled and blew me kisses. They were out of their undead minds. I was the fucking Devil. The unappetizing show of disrespect was appalling. It was enough to make one scream in horror. Back in the good old days, I would have smote them where they stood.

However, I had no time for such luxuries. There was a mission to be doled out. If I had to suffer through the presence of Martha and Jane for an hour, so be it.

They were dressed as if they were about to perform a strip show in a human nursing home. While I was fully cognizant that incinerating them was a no-no, they’d leave minus a few appendages if they tried to remove their clothing.

“My liege,” Lizard said, bowing respectfully to me.

Lizard was an odd-looking specimen. Part Demon and part Fairy, he was a wonderfully savage individual. His dress sense left much to be desired, and he didn’t disappoint today. His ill-fitting royal blue tracksuit paired with a green beret and purple high tops was shockingly hideous. However, the look was his signature style—or rather lack thereof. The man was a bit scaly and his eyes were a tad too close together, but that wasn’t surprising when one considered he could morph into a massive lizard… hence the name.

He was loyal to a fault and had negotiated an excellent deal for me on the film version of my bestselling book. The fact that he was terrifying to the general public, carried a baseball bat and rudely smacked gum at all times only added to his bizarre mystique.

“Hello Lizard,” I said, trying my best not to acknowledge his heinous mates.

“Sire, may I be so bold as to ask why you have a sword lodged in your abdomen?” Lizard inquired politely.

Damnit, I’d forgotten all about the sword. In the hour before Lizard and his undead concubines had arrived, I’d made good on my promise to gore myself. It had definitely raised Elle’s spirits to watch me shove sharp metal objects into my body. Honestly, after a while I'd enjoyed it—or at least I'd enjoyed her laughter. I’d stabbed myself with scissors, a letter opener, a cake knife, and a candelabra before the grand finale of the sword through my gut. My lover had laughed so hard she wore herself out and fell asleep promptly when the painful show concluded. I’d tucked her into bed and hoped like Hell this was a passing phase. I healed immediately but impaling oneself was uncomfortable.

“Testing out the blade,” I said casually as I pulled the massive weapon from my stomach and laid it on my desk.

“I’ve never tried that,” Lizard said with admiration in his beady little eyes. “May I?”

“Be my guest,” I said as he took the sword and plunged it into his gut.

“Very sharp,” he choked out as he paled a bit.

“Yes, well, it is a sword,” I said, wincing slightly as he pulled it back out.

While I enjoyed barbaric pastimes greatly, I relished them more when they were deserved. Lizard was a good, albeit it odd one, and he certainly didn’t deserve a self-inflicted hole in his stomach. However, the alternative was unacceptable. There was no way in Hell I was about to share the real reason I’d stabbed myself. The truth did not set a person free. It was messy and complicated—very much like Elle’s behavior lately. But that was not why I’d summoned Lizard.

“Lookin’ good, Sexy La Tuchus,” Jane announced as she grabbed her own sagging ass just in case I’d misunderstood her.

Sadly, I hadn’t. It took everything I had not to electrocute the old woman.

“Foxy Rump never disappoints,” Martha agreed, adjusting her sagging bosom in the scrap of fabric covering the offending area. “But don’t you worry your ginormous pecker, Lizard. The only sexy piece of man meat we wanna do the horizontal mambo with is you.”

Lizard grinned from ear to ear as he mopped up the blood pouring from his gut with his ghastly headwear. I watched in disbelief as he placed the blood-soaked green beret back on his head and grabbed his crotch in appreciation as his mates squealed and did a few pornographic gyrations. The bile in my stomach rose to my throat.

Closing my eyes, I tried to block out the visual of the two old bags. Normally, Vampyres were ridiculously attractive. Martha and Jane defied the odds. The bright orange sequined tube tops barely covering their sagging bosoms, paired with yellow booty shorts, black socks and sandals was more than enough to make me smite them to ash where they stood. But that was out of the question. For some unfathomable reason, Lizard adored the women—for lack of a better term. Also, Astrid had a soft spot for the idiots as they’d help save her son Samuel.

My niece, in a moment of weakness—or compassion— had the two old women turned when they’d been dying at her feet. Astrid had lived to regret her actions daily. The old freaks of nature were nightmares. As much as I’d enjoy eliminating the aged Vamps, it was a no go. Restraining myself was giving me a headache. Social niceties were bullshit.

“Let me get right to the point,” I stated, shoving my hands into my pockets so I didn’t accidentally on purpose decapitate Martha and Jane.

“Now you just hold your camel toe for a second,” Martha said, making herself comfortable on the black leather couch. “Me and Jane wanna ghostwrite the sequel to your book. We can do way better than Chesty McMilkbomb did.”

“Hold my what?” I said as my eyes narrowed to slits. I ignored their unflattering name for Astrid. She’d had them turned into Vampyres. She could fight her own battles over what they called her.

“Relax your crack, Hotty McHot Pants,” Jane said as she punched Martha in the head and sent her flying. “My ugly mother humpin’ sidekick lost brain cells in Nam. Just fuckin’ ignore her. Everyone knows that a man can’t have a camel toe due to lack of a muff.”

“Are you serious?” I asked, wishing I’d chosen a different Demon for the job, but Lizard was my best bet since Dino, Dagwood and Darby had set their asses on fire.

Jane got lost in thought for a long moment which was terrifying. “I suppose if you were wearing tight white spandex and the seam of your pants separated your brussel sprouts, it could count as a camel toe,” she mused aloud as I fought with myself internally not to pick up the sword and remove her head. “So, Martha, while you are a brain damaged asshat, I’d like to apologize for punching you. As Satan said, a man can wedge his gangoolies into a camel toe too.”

“I said no such thing,” I snapped as my fingers began to spark.

“Damn tootin,’” Martha added as she stood up, waddled back over to the couch in a daze and straddled the arm. “We’re gonna become writers now. Lizard said we did not suck at it.”

“But we suck other things,” Jane added, cackling like a fool and elbowing Martha so hard she grunted like she was dying and writhed all over the couch like a wrinkled slug. “Just ask Lizard.”

“I’ll pass,” I said flatly, wondering if I could still have a working relationship with my Demon if I offed his mates.

Anyhoo, as I was sayin’,” Martha went on as if this was a normal exchange between adults with working brain matter while still writhing on my couch. “After we got thrown in the human pokey for stalking Simon Cowell, while wearing only a thong and pasties, we’ve given up our dream of winning American Idol and decided to become authors. Of course, we did win Idol in Zanthia. Those fuckin’ Fairies love us.”

“Fairies are tone-deaf,” I muttered. Note to self—incinerate the couch when they leave.

“What’d ya say?” Jane asked.

Damnit, it wasn’t prudent to piss off Lizard when I needed him. “Umm… I said Fairies are scone chefs.”

“Hell has a Fairy scone chef?” Elle called out sleepily from our bedroom that adjoined my office.

I was certain I paled considerably, and I knew I gasped. However, I played it off like a champion. “Yes, darling. I brought one here for you.”

“How sweet,” she replied as she sounded like she was falling back into slumber. “I won’t cut your legs off or rearrange your face later, my lover.”

“That’s outstanding,” I answered her as I wiggled my fingers and closed the door between the rooms. I also dead bolted it and re-enforced it with strong magic in case Elle changed her mind and felt the need to remove a few of my appendages in front of Lizard and his idiots.

“Well, I’ll be damned. Didn’t know you guys were into the kinky shit,” Martha said with a grin.

“We’re not,” I said through clenched teeth. “Elle is having a few issues with her lady time.”

“Aunt Flow?” Jane inquired with a grunt of disgust. “That old bee-otch is a real pain in the vag.”

“She’s real?” I asked, surprised. Was there a chance Astrid was incorrect?

“Real as my fabulous knockers,” Martha said, grabbing one of her saggy sacks of flesh. “Hate her guts. I’d love to kill that skanky hooker dead.”

My mind whirled with possibilities that made me want to grab the sword from my desk and plunge it into my gut again. But the thought of having to potentially decapitate myself to keep the love of my evil life entertained outweighed my common sense. Maybe Martha and Jane could help or maybe I’d lost what was left of my mind. It was worth a shot. Losing my head was something I didn’t have time for at the moment. Plus, I loved the head that I had now. I was gorgeous.

“You could help Elle navigate Aunt Flow’s visit?” I asked warily. “You could ensure that her hangry state won’t result in my having to regrow limbs?”

“Not. A. Problem, Fine Ass McBooty,” Jane assured me. “You got chocolate in Hell?”

“I do.”

“Potato chips, doughnuts, ice cream, greasy burgers, fries, tacos, and horror movies?”

“Horror movies?” I asked. One of these things was not like the others.

“Keeps a gal from having to resort to homicide. You feel me, Luscious Caboose?” Martha chimed in.

Holy Hell on a Thursday, they were actually making sense. What alternate reality was I living in? Was I really going to do this?

Yes. Yes, I was.

“The job is yours,” I bit out, sure I would live to regret the rash decision. “You will stay here and aid the Keeper of Fate while Aunt Flow is visiting. Do not mention her lady time to her. From what I understand, that will result in your death. However, I’d like to add that if you bring me the head of Aunt Flow, I will owe you a favor.”

Favors from the Devil were one of the most coveted gifts in the Immortal Universe. It was worth it though. If these imbeciles could behead this horrible Aunt Flow, I would gladly trade a favor.

“Little confused here,” Jane said, scratching the sparse hair on the top of her balding head.

“Ain’t nothin’ new there, mother humper,” Martha said, only to be whacked in the face by her cohort. “Delicious Derriere is sayin’ if we guide Elle with our own personal rag expertise without mentioning that she’s on the rag and keep her from loppin’ off his Johnson and other body parts we win. Smexy Patootie is gonna buy us boob jobs, braces, an unlimited gift card at Walmart, a subscription to Playgirl magazine, lifetime tickets to Barry Manilow concerts, and is gonna let us write the sequel to his book.”

“That’s not exactly what I said,” I choked out.

“But that’s what you meant?” Jane asked.

Pressing the bridge of my nose, I considered all my options. While the list was bizarre, they didn’t ask for world domination or a vacation home in Hell. I could care less if they wanted to write a book and slap my nom de plume, Blade Inferno, on it. I’d never even read the first one. From what I’d heard, during the editing process, Hemingway filled the tome with absurd bullfights. Of course, I had blackmailed him into it. What did I expect?

I had to force the words from my lips. Eventually, they came out. “Yes… that’s exactly what I meant.”

“Fanfuckingtastic!” Martha shouted as Jane joined her in an impromptu dance that made me want to electrocute myself. “Anyhoo, you wanna hear a little bit of your book?”

“No.”

“Great. I’ll start at chapter one. It was a dark and stormy night,” Martha began.

At least it started well…

Jane continued and Lizard looked on with pride or constipation. I wasn’t sure which.

“I saw her standing next to the garbage can and my Johnson took notice too. Her eyes were like two big blue dinner plates in her head with black dots right smack in the middle of them. The dots were circles too. She was short—like a midget, but her gazongas were not short. That was good. Gazongas were important.”

“You really should stop,” I said, trying not to laugh or smite them.

Martha cleared her throat and ignored me. “I was tall—like a tree. Her face was a circle like her eyes. This was encouraging. A square or triangle face would be bad. Weird shaped heads were a total boner killer. She stood next to the trash can and examined me like the vet did my dog, Sparky, last week. I hoped she wasn’t a vet. That bastard had lopped off my best friend’s balls. No worries. I killed him.”

I was speechless. It was complete shite, but I was curious what other garbage they’d come up with. Clearly, I was a glutton for punishment.

Jane did not disappoint. “The circle headed woman lifted her leg gracefully just like my dog did at the fire hydrant. It was beautiful like when the Vikings won the Super Bowl. I’d never met her, but I knew the midget was mine. We were like two people who were short and tall who had also never met. It was time to show her my Johnson.”

“STOP,” I commanded, biting back my laughter with effort. “That was horrifying.”

“Thank you,” Jane said sincerely.

“Wasn’t a compliment,” I shot back.

“Don’t get your sphincter in a knot,” Martha said with a wave of her boney hand. “It’s only the first draft. We’re gonna add lots of verbs later.”

Speaking of sphincters… or rather baked ones was the reason Lizard had been summoned in the first place. Martha and Jane were so confounding, I’d almost forgotten why I’d requested Lizard’s presence in Hell. I needed to give my Demon his mission and get them all out of my office before I did something I’d regret… or enjoy.

“Fine,” I ground out. “Write the book. As long as you keep Elle happy and occupied, I don’t care what you do.”

“You got it, Bitable Buns!” Martha shouted as she and Jane made themselves comfortable on the floor by the door to our bedroom where Elle slept. “We’re gonna take good care of your gal. Don’t you worry your big head or your little one.”

If I acknowledged what she’d just said, I’d have to kill her. Instead, I ignored her and nodded curtly.

“Lizard, come with me. I’ll get you up to speed.”

“As you wish, Sire,” he replied and followed me from my office into the main area of the Dark Palace.

Chapter Three

“Read me the letter once more,” Lizard said as he choked up on his baseball bat and smashed a priceless vase.

I winced and reminded myself that burning him alive was a bad plan—well, at least until he found the perpetrator and eliminated him. While I admired Lizard’s barbaric tendencies, the destruction of irreplaceable art was annoying. Served me right for bringing him to the Grand Ballroom. Since my office had become a battleground between Elle, Aunt Flow, and me, I had little choice. The Ballroom was empty at the moment and soundproofed.

Pulling the letter from my pocket, I granted the insane Demon’s request. “Lord of Darkness, the day will never happen. The birth will go unrecognized,” I hissed with displeasure, reading from the parchment paper. “The end draws near for your latest folly and the hands of fate shall be empty. Heed these words and do not try to replace what already exists.”

“That’s some kinda bullshit,” Lizard growled as he wound up and destroyed a crystal decanter filled with scotch that cost more than the human’s national debt.

“I couldn’t agree more,” I replied, steering the Demon away from the breakables and out into the center of the deserted ballroom.

The Grand Ballroom’s black marble floor was encrusted with precious and rare gemstones—rubies, sapphires, emeralds and diamonds. The jewels were embedded with dark magic making them impossible to steal. Of course, I’d stolen them in the first place, but that was irrelevant. I hoped the enchantment would keep them from being decimated by Lizard’s bat. I’d seen the Demon knock the heads off of Trolls with the damn piece of wood, so the safety of my floor was anyone’s guess. Most likely, the ten crystal chandeliers that spilled down from the thirty-foot ceilings were safe.

But then again, Lizard was a loose cannon. It’s why I liked him half the time and wanted to electrocute him the other half.

“Clearly some motherfucker has heard about my womb eviction day and wants it stopped,” I told him.

“Shut the front door,” Lizard shouted. “Some son of a bitch wants to disembowel your uterus?”

I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Turning away from the idiot, I waved my hand and blew out the back wall of the ballroom. The explosion was positively cathartic. It felt wonderful and saved Lizard from a grisly death. I was maturing.

“I didn’t say that the motherfucker wants to eviscerate my uterus,” I replied so calmly that Lizard went five shades paler than his usual ghostly hue. “First of all, I don’t have a fucking uterus. I said womb eviction day, not womb evisceration day.”

“My bad.”

“I should say so,” I chastised him.

“Can I get a clarification without you burning Hell to the ground?” Lizard asked.

“Possibly,” I conceded. “But if you imply that I have mammary glands, all bets are off.”

Lizard squinted at me and grinned. As always, a smiling Demon was never a good sign. “Permission to correct you, my liege.”

Breathing in through my nose and out through my lips, I again counted to ten—fifty times. Being corrected was seriously difficult for me. Not many were brave enough to do it since it usually ended in death. Although, to be fair, Lizard had requested permission.

“Hang on a sec,” I said, pacing to the far side of the room and setting the floor to ceiling brocade curtains on fire. Crossing back to Lizard as the flames crackled behind me, I felt calmer and more in control. “I’m good now. Go ahead.”

“Umm… you sure, my liege?” Lizard asked as the flames danced and spread quickly around the cavernous room.

“Absolutely,” I assured him. “If it gets too hot in here, we can go outside.”

“Alrighty then,” he said with a shrug. “All male and female mammals have mammary glands—or in layman’s terms, hooter nodules. That’s the organ that produces milk—not to be confused with the organ known as the love rod. The salami does produce a milky-like substance, but it does not taste good in coffee—trust me on that. When the hooter nodule matures fully in females during puberty, they develop into a state where a hormonal spike called prolactin can induce lactation—or milk squirts. Now for the persuasion packing a schlong, the gland doesn’t generally mature to that level. Hence, those with pork swords rarely produce milk squirts.”

“Excuse me once again,” I ground out as I stomped my foot and all ten chandeliers crashed to the floor making a horrifyingly satisfactory noise. Shards of crystal flew everywhere, and Lizard had the wherewithal to duck for cover. I stood and watched as the shimmering crystal picked up the red and orange of the flames. It was gorgeous. Sadly, I had to stop the inferno before the entire palace went up in a blaze caused by my tantrum. Turning back to Lizard, I raised a brow. “How may I ask do you know these bizarre facts?”

“I like to read medical dictionaries,” Lizard explained warily. “If I know anatomy, I can kill shit more creatively.”

I couldn’t even argue that point, so I didn’t. I’d already done enough structural damage for the day. Coupled with Elle’s explosive earthquakes, we were quite the deadly combo.

“What I was trying to say before you made me have to incinerate my abode was that some asshole is trying to halt the worldwide celebration of my birthday,” I said, waving my hand and repairing all the damage I’d just caused.

“You have a birthday?” he asked, confused.

“Everyone has a birthday—or womb eviction day as I like to refer to it,” I snapped. “I just didn’t know when it was until recently.” Why in the Hell was everyone so surprised I had a damn birthday? Did they believe I’d been hatched?

“Who else is aware of the date?” the crazed Demon asked, smacking so hard on his gum, I thought his jaw might dislocate.

“My mother and Astrid,” I told him. “Astrid is not a suspect. The letter came yesterday via a four-headed vulture before she knew of the date.”

“I’m gonna go on record and say that I don’t think your mom would mess with your birthday,” Lizard said with a shudder of terror.

I shuddered as well and agreed with him. Mother Nature was indeed frightening. Plus, she was pole dancing in Belize. As certifiably insane as my mother was, she loved me. And I loved her in my own way, not that I would ever admit it. It wasn’t good for my asshole reputation to be too soft.

Lizard began to pace in small circles, making me dizzy. “You think it’s God?”

I had considered it, but the thought was ludicrous. “My brother, as much as he drives me to drink, doesn’t work that way. He’s far too sanctimonious and good.”

Lizard nodded and continued to pace. “Jesus? He has a pretty big birthday—might not like the competition.”

“Absolutely not,” I said, having already considered that as well. While my brother was good, my nephew was impeccably good.

“I agree,” Lizard said. “Just wanted to name the usual suspects.”

“Honestly, I have no idea who it could be,” I said, perplexed.

“Enemies?” Lizard asked.

“Millions,” I said with a laugh. “I’m fucking Satan. What do you expect?”

“Well… not that,” Lizard muttered, terribly confused. “That’s medically impossible.”

As much as I appreciated my Demon warrior, he had to be punished for my faux pas. However, to be nice—a relative word—I’d warn him. I’d appreciated it greatly when Elle had given me a heads up before stabbing me with a cake knife.

“I feel the need to electrocute you,” I told him.

“It would be my pleasure to be electrocuted by my liege,” Lizard replied, placing his bat on the floor and removing the gum from his mouth, so he didn’t choke on it when the explosion came. He affixed the enormous wad of sugary rubber to the tip of the deadly bat and waited for me to blast him.

Shit. Now I just felt bad. I was the one who said I could fuck myself, not him.

“Forget it,” I said, feeling itchy and unsettled with my uncharacteristic fairness. “It was not you who claimed you could copulate with yourself. The electrocution shall be postponed to another time when more deserved.”

“Thank you, Sire,” Lizard said with a grin as he shoved his gum back into his mouth and retrieved his bat. “I do believe I have a solution for you on your catchphrase. It would guarantee that no one would think you could bang yourself.”

“You do?” I inquired with great interest. It was getting embarrassing to be called out for claiming I could have intercourse with myself.

“Yep,” he replied. “Shove a the in there and you’re safe.”

“And where exactly would I shove this the?”

“Before the word fucking,” Lizard explained.

I tried it out in my head. Lizard was brilliant. He had dreadful taste in women and clothing and was a fount of unnecessary knowledge, but he was also a genius.

“I’m the fucking Satan,” I said, trying out my new catchphrase. “I like it. I’d say thank you, but I’m not into that kind of thing.”

“No worries, my Dark Lord. I also have an idea who could help us find the jackhole who’s trying to ruin your womb expulsion day.”

“Eviction,” I corrected him, but expulsion had a nice ring to it.

“My bad,” Lizard said with a chuckle. “Read the letter to me one more time.”

“Lord of Darkness, the day will never happen. The birth will go unrecognized. The end draws near for your latest folly and the hands of fate shall be empty. Heed these words and do not try to replace what already exists.”

“Okay,” Lizard said, bouncing his bat off his head as he thought. That had to hurt. “First and second line is about your womb dump day. Third line means that Elle won’t get birthday cake, which in her hangry state is dangerous to your pecker. Third line is also a death threat to you or possibly your party. Last line makes me think you might have the wrong date for your uterus ejection day.”

“So maybe my mother is behind this,” I said, mulling the possibility over. It wasn’t her style to write threatening notes, but there was a first time for everything. She usually just showed up and caused massive property damage. I still mentally rejected the idea, but since I was at a dead-end, I put my mother back on the suspect list.

“Very doubtful, but possible. I wouldn’t rule Mother Nature out just yet,” Lizard recommended. “However, I do know someone who could help us find the culprit—an incredible badass named Murry.”

“There’s a badass named Murry?”

“Damn straight,” he said.

“And what exactly is this Murry? I have no Demon called Murry in my ranks.” At least I hoped I didn’t. That would be appalling.

“A Dragon.”

“They’re a myth,” I said, doubting Lizard’s wisdom. “I have never seen a Dragon in all my life.”

“That’s because you don’t know where to look,” he replied slyly.

“Okay, I’ll bite. Where does a Dragon reside?”

“In his mother’s basement.”

“You’re fucking with me,” I said, narrowing my eyes.

“I fuck you not,” Lizard promised.

We both paused in alarm as we evaluated the last words that had fallen from Lizard’s lips. They verged on the need for a beheading, but the word not saved him. It amazed me how a simple three letter word could change a meaning entirely. It did occur to me that if I eliminated the word fuck from my vocabulary, I’d have an easier time in life. However, it was an excellent word. There were not many terms that could be a noun, verb, adjective, and adverb. It was incredibly versatile. I was keeping it.

“Take me to the Dragon,” I said.

And then all Hell broke loose.

* * *

The blast of black glitter as they poofed into the room set my teeth on edge. It covered every available section of real estate in the Grand Ballroom. The cleanup would be hellish. Magic was difficult to remove since it tended to eat vacuums. I’d have to bring in a few Hell Hounds to take care of the mess. The poor beasts would have indigestion for weeks.

Lizard, as brave as he was, sprinted like the Devil was on his ass and hid under a massive flower arrangement of black roses with poisoned thorns. That was ridiculous since I was standing right here. For a moment, I did consider joining him, but it would undermine my authority with my daughters.

Poisonous thorns were preferable to my offspring.

The seven unbalanced fruits of my loins stood in a circle, dressed to the nines and continued to snipe at each other even though they had to be aware they were in my presence. I hadn’t summoned them, so they had clearly sought my audience.

Their outer beauty belied their rotten insides. It was my fault. I’d spoiled the Seven Deadly Sins for thousands of years and they’d turned out dreadfully. Each had a different mother except for the triplets. I’d had no plans to raise the Demons until each of their mothers had dropped them on the front doorstep of the Dark Palace never to be heard from again. There were those in Hell who surmised my daughters had eaten their mothers. I’d lost a few nights of beauty sleep over that rumor, but they were all vegetarians so it couldn’t be true. I hoped.

The mothers of my daughters knew what they were doing when they ditched them. I actually admired the balls one would have to be sporting enough to do such a dastardly thing to one’s own child. At this point, I was ready to banish all seven of them from Hell and send them on a search to find their egg donors. I’d had them for thousands of years. Fair was fair. It was time for their mothers to bail them out of prison and pay for retail therapy.

Wrath, Lust, Greed, Envy and the triplets, Sloth, Gluttony and Pride made me wish that I’d had a vasectomy a few thousand years ago. Of course, my eighth daughter, Daisy, made me happy I hadn’t, not that surgery would work on an Immortal anyway. But Dixie lived on Earth with her mate, the Angel of Death—a man I loved to hate. As long as he was good to my daughter, I wouldn’t have to remove his body parts.

The seven standing before me? I wasn’t so sure they would leave in one piece. I’d gotten them out of more trouble in their long lives than should be legal—not that I was fond of legal means. I loved bad behavior and cheating and stealing, but attempted murder and trying to basically ruin my life was another thing altogether. Thankfully, they were terrified of Elle. My lover was the Keeper of Fate. My daughters were mean, but they would be fools to mess with karma. They were not fools.

With cell phones glued to their hands, the Seven Deadly Sins scrolled and insulted each other as if their evil lives depended on it.

“I refuse to accept that Princess Einstein’s Phlegm is my royal name,” an angry Gluttony shouted.

“That’s nothing,” Lust chimed in with a hiss of displeasure. “My stupid name is Princess Hobbit Nipple. Who in the Hell created this name generator? I’d like to skin them alive.”

“You’re both imbeciles. Boiling is quicker and less messy than skinning,” Pride growled. “Mine is the worst. I’m Princess Rancid Orgasm.”

“But that’s actually true,” Gluttony squealed with glee only to be singed with a vicious fireball by Pride.

Not one to let a fireball go, Gluttony clapped her hands and turned all the hair on Pride’s head a puke green color. My children were such a delight.

“You’re a bitch,” Pride shrieked.

“Your point?” Gluttony inquired with a smirk.

“Whatever,” Pride hissed and went back to her phone. “Anyhoo, it says right here that Envy’s new moniker is Princess Muffdust the Pecker Wrecker.”

“Ohhhhhhh,” Envy snarled as she swiped Pride’s phone and incinerated it to ash. “While that may be, looks like ’ol Wrath is Princess Lubed Up Assbasket.”

“Fitting,” Sloth said with a giggle as she glanced around in confusion. “Why are we still in Hell? I thought we were poofing to Paris for lunch and a crime spree.”

“In a moment,” Wrath said, acknowledging me. “Hello, Daddy. We’re here for our allowance.”

“Ahhh, the fuckening has arrived,” I said, eyeing the hot mess of evil with annoyance.

“Pardon me?” Greed snapped then cowered immediately as I raised my brow.

“You know,” I said with a grin. “The fuckening. When you’ve had a shitty day and you think nothing can make it worse… and then it happens. That’s the fuckening.”

“Kinda rude,” Gluttony mumbled.

“Kinda true,” Sloth said with another giggle.

Sloth was my favorite next to Dixie. It was too bad that she hung out with the rest of the hooligans.

“Apples never fall far from trees,” Wrath said in a cool tone.

“Good to know you’ve read your Uncle’s Book,” I replied silkily.

“Actually, we didn’t make it into Uncle God’s book,” Envy said grumpily.

“And it looks like we didn’t make it into your book either, Daddy,” Pride hissed.

“I didn’t write it, so I can’t be blamed,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and eyeing them suspiciously. Could one of my ungrateful daughters have sent the letter? It would be just like them to ruin my party. Only one way to find out.

Wiggling my fingers and surrounding them with a circle of enchanted fire that was impossible to cross, I approached the surprised girls. “Lizard, show yourself,” I commanded.

“Yes, my liege?” the Demon said, crawling out from under the flowers.

“Do you happen to have any more gum on you?”

I had no clue what ingredients were in the sticks of sugar that he constantly gnawed on, but I did know there was a truth serum in it. It didn’t affect Lizard, but it worked wonders on those he gave it to. It was how we’d gotten information from the Trolls we’d battled.

“Yep,” he said with a wide grin as he pulled out seven sticks. “You want the truth from them?”

“I do,” I replied with a curt nod.

Lizard whispered to the gum in a voice so quiet, I had no clue what he said. I didn’t care. As long as it worked, I was good. He handed it over and bowed. Lizard was an excellent Demon to have around.

“A gift,” I said as I sent the gum to each of my daughters with a snap of my fingers.

The gum floated across the fire barrier and flew right into each of their mouths. With a wave of my hand, I sealed their lips shut. The silence was glorious.

“Chew up,” I directed. “It only takes a moment.”

“Love that song,” Lizard said, looking wistful.

“What the Hell are you talking about?” I asked with an eye roll. “What song?”

“It Only Takes a Moment from Hello Dolly. Carol Channing was hot. Had my first nocturnal emission dreaming about her hooters.”

That certainly explained his attraction to Martha and Jane.

“Lizard, do you value your life?” I ground out, wincing in pain at the appalling visual he’d just created.

“Yep.”

“Then I’d suggest you stop speaking.”

“Permanently?” he questioned.

It was so tempting. “Sadly, no. Just for the next half hour.”

“Roger that,” he replied with a salute that knocked the bloody green beret off his head.

Now to find out if the one who penned the letter was standing in front of me.

“Girls, girls, girls, my womb eviction day is fast approaching,” I said casually as I gave them back the use of their mouths with a slice of my hand through the air. “Have any of you procured a gift for me yet?”

“You have a birthday?” Sloth asked, genuinely confused.

Sloth was off the suspect list. Since it was impossible for them to lie to me, this would be easy and blood-free.

“I prefer womb eviction day,” I explained. “And yes, I do indeed.”

“When is it?” Greed asked, looking as perplexed as her sister.

Greed was innocent… well, not innocent, but she hadn’t written the letter.

Feigning shock, I made pouty lips and shook my head sadly. It terrified them which delighted me to no end. They’d been terrifying me for centuries. “None of you know when my birthday is? If one of you does know the glorious day, you will receive a Centurion Card from American Express.”

The greedy gasps would have amused me more if I didn’t think one of them was out to destroy my special day.

Pride raised her hand as the others looked on in fury. They were such a competitive group.

“Yes, Pride?”

“Umm… Well, since June is the sixth month and you’re a horn dog, I’d have to say June ninth—making it 69. Get it?” she asked, looking hopeful she was correct.

Pride was no longer on the list. However, she did get a few brownie points for pornographic creativity.

“No. That is not my birthday.”

“How about June sixth?” Gluttony chimed in going for the prize. “And if you were born in year six it would be 666.”

Again, creative. Again, wrong. Gluttony was safe.

“No.”

“Shit,” she muttered. “He’s so old how does he even remember?”

“Shut it, butthole,” Sloth said under her breath to Gluttony.

Sloth was the smart one.

“Well, if you have a birthday, I call bullshit,” Wrath snapped. “We don’t have birthdays.”

“Of course, you do,” I said with an eye roll. “I just don’t know when they are.”

“Father of the year,” Wrath said, trying to beat me in the eye roll game.

She lost.

“Do you have a guess, angry one?” I pressed, thinking that if it was anyone it was Wrath. She was the oldest and meanest.

“I’d have to guess that you have plans to steal Cousin Jesus’ birthday,” she replied with a shrug.

Before I’d been made aware of the sacred date of April 1st, I’d definitely considered pilfering my nephew’s womb eviction day. I mean, for the love of everything dastardly, Santa had the exact same letters in his name as Satan. It was a sign. Millions of letters from children arrived in Hell every December asking SATAN for gifts. Of course, I trashed all the requests. No… I didn’t. I sent the fucking letters up to Heaven. I suspected God knew I did this, but he was smart enough never to mention it. I’d kick his ass so hard he wouldn’t be able to sit for thousands of years. However, Jesus was so damned nice, I couldn’t bring myself to steal his day.

“Interesting guess,” I told Wrath. “But wrong.”

Surprisingly, Wrath was off the list of suspects.

“Two more,” I said, pointing to Envy and Lust—both problem children as well.

“Mmkay,” Envy said with a naughty glint in her eyes. “How about January third? That’s National Fruitcake Toss Day.”

“Are you serious?” I asked.

“Completely,” Envy assured me. “Or possibly August eighteenth? You know, National Bad Poetry Day?”

“Ohhh,” Lust said, scrolling through her phone a mile a minute. “September seventh? National Salami Day?”

Everyone laughed… including Lizard.

I did not. It was clear they had no clue when I was born. However, they seemed determined to figure it out.

“I’ve got one,” Sloth said. “July thirteenth, National Fool’s Paradise Day!”

Sloth was no longer my second favorite.

“Here’s one,” Greed squealed. “June twenty-second, National Gaping Jackass Day!”

“Oh my Hell,” Lust said, laughing. “Is that real?”

“No,” Greed admitted. “But it works.”

Did they fucking forget that I was standing here?

“No, I’ve got it,” Pride yelled. “It’s February sixteenth, National Do a Grouch a Favor Day.”

“Nice,” Gluttony said. “This is better though… October fourteenth, National Fossils Day. Get it? Dad’s so old he’s like a freakin’ fossil.”

The hysterics were unnecessary. It was if they thought they were funny. They were literally asking to be electrocuted.

“Enough,” I shouted and magically removed the fire that trapped them. I’d inadvertently trapped myself by keeping them here. Listening to the Seven Deadly Sins for another minute was going to make me do something I’d regret. Enjoy, but regret. “Out. All of you need to start looking for someplace else to live. I’ll be using your bedrooms in the Dark Palace for all of my new stolen birthday presents. There will be no room for you or your smart mouths. Am I clear?”

“Wait,” Lust said, confused. “You want us to leave Hell?”

“That would be fantastic,” I practically shouted. “However, it’s a horrendous idea to let you criminals live on Earth. God would be up my ass more than he already is. You shall stay in Hell and reside somewhere other than my palace.”

“Are you paying for it?” Greed inquired.

Closing my eyes, I reminded myself that I was responsible for the way they’d turned out. Spare the rod, spoil the child… but they were so damned cute when they were little. Whatever. There was always a price to pay. I was now paying for my own sanity and clearly it was going to be expensive.

“Yes,” I hissed as they all backed away in fear. “I will pay. You will gather your belongings and be out by the end of the week. Am I clear?”

Every single one of them threw me a look full of crappy attitude. It was not unexpected. I smiled. I’d be counting the days until there was peace in the palace. Or rather relative peace. Until Aunt Flow left, peace would be fleeting.

With a snap of my fingers, I sent the Seven Deadly Sins on their way. I had no clue where I’d sent them, but as long as I couldn’t see them or hear them, I was delighted.

“None of them wrote the letter,” I said flatly.

Lizard said nothing. Glancing over at him, I realized his half hour of silence wasn’t up yet.

Damnit, was nothing going to go right today? Hopefully, visiting Murry the badass wouldn’t be a mistake.

I’d had all the fuckening I could take for one day.

Chapter Four

“Darling,” I called out, warily scanning our bedroom to make sure Elle wasn’t in hiding and about to jump me while brandishing some form of cutlery.

Martha and Jane were nowhere to be found. Their absence was peculiar. I wondered if Elle had impaled the imbeciles and hung them up somewhere in the palace. That would be incredibly bad behavior on my lover’s part, but understandable considering we were dealing with Martha and Jane. Maybe, leaving the obscene undead women with my mate was a poor choice. Lizard would probably be a bit put out if his concubines had no arms or legs even though the missing appendages would regenerate.

Life was so damned complicated.

Hearing an unfamiliar noise, I dove behind the divan and waited for an attack. Lizard was in the process of contacting Murry the badass. Apparently, we weren’t allowed in the house if his mother was home. The meeting with the Dragon to suss out the son-of-a-bitch who was trying to ruin my womb eviction day was not sounding promising.

“Lucifer?” Elle said, sniffling. “Are you here?”

“I am, lover,” I replied. “Are you armed?”

Elle needed no weapons to perform mass destruction. Her magic was insanely powerful. She could even stop time. That nifty trick had come in handy when we needed a few extra hours to make love and had an appointment that interfered.

“No, I had Martha and Jane lock up all the forks. I like those gals. They’re cute in an undead, disgustingly dressed kind of way,” she said, still sniffling as if she’d been crying.

My evil black heart tightened in my chest at the thought of my lover being sad. I’d ignore the part about Lizard’s concubines being cute. Martha and Jane were dreadful. I could only hope Elle’s lady time caused her judgment to be skewed. If she wanted to hang out with the undead idiots on a regular basis, there would be a few problems.

But her crying… that shredded me.

Never before in my eternal life had I felt so much for another person. Elle gave me the feels as my daughter Dixie would say. It was new and alarming, and it made me feel more alive than I had in millions of years. Up until the day I met the devious Adrielle Rinoa, I cared more for myself than anyone. She’d changed my fate with a seductive smile, a rude insult and a raised middle finger. Physically, she was perfection. However, it was far more than her body, wild blonde hair and lavender eyes that attracted me.

It was her essence and her soul. She was my everything.

Living forever was not all it was cracked up to be. The price paid for one’s sanity was quite high and unexplainable in words that made sense. Seeing beauty, noticing the small things and even carnal pleasure ceased to have meaning. There was nothing new to discover… or so I’d thought. Until the woman whose new hobby was slamming forks into my hand came into my life, I realized I’d never known true happiness.

Of course, it wasn’t for public knowledge that the Devil was happy. I did have a dastardly reputation to uphold.

“Lover,” I said, transporting in a blast of black glitter to where she stood. It wouldn’t do to crawl out from beneath the divan. I never made an undignified entrance and crawling out from underneath furniture was definitely undignified. “Why are you crying?”

Elle sighed and laid her head on my chest. “I’m so sorry for stabbing you. I have no clue what’s come over me.”

“So, it’s not usually like this?” I asked carefully, making sure not to mention her lady time in any way shape or form. Astrid’s warning of death was still forefront in my mind. Not that Elle could actually kill me but going headless to meet with Murry the badass wouldn’t be very productive.

My attraction to my Siren was extreme, but right now it knew no bounds. If it continued to grow—pun intended—we’d never leave our bedroom suite in Hell for the rest of eternity.

She seemed confused by my statement but shrugged and gave me a small smile. “Well, I’ve never wanted to rip your face from your head before. That would be such a shame. Your face is beautiful.”

“Yes, I know,” I told her, tucking her wild curls behind her ears. “It would be tragic to ruin perfection.”

Elle rolled her eyes and giggled. “Your humility is astounding, Devil.”

“Thank you, Siren,” I replied with a wink. “I do my best.”

“Do I look fat to you?” she questioned, walking over to one of the hundred full-length mirrors in our suite.

The question was terrifying. However, what was more terrifying was that she put her hand on her heart, signifying the truth must be told. We both lied so often, we’d made a truth pact of sorts. Right now, the truth could end in an explosion if I wasn’t careful. The truth was that she was a bit larger than normal. However, I found it insanely appealing.

Thinking fast on my feet so I didn’t get electrocuted or beheaded, I pulled my inspiration from my head… the one below my waist.

“Your breasts are fuller which I find wildly arousing,” I said carefully, searching her face for a reaction.

“They do make me feel sexier,” she said thoughtfully, examining herself in the mirror. “My hips seem curvier too.”

“My exceptional Johnson has noticed,” I replied easily as I came up behind her and wrapped her in my arms, pressing proof of my statement into her back.

“Doesn’t take much for you to be aroused,” Elle said with a sly grin that made my pants tighten uncomfortably.

“All you have to do is breathe,” I whispered in her ear as she shuddered with delight.

Turning her around, I leaned in and pressed my open mouth to hers. We were made for each other. Our tongues met in perfect sensual rhythm. Our bodies aligned and rubbed sinfully together causing sparks. Flames—hers black and mine orange—mixed and danced over our heated bodies. Elle was the light in my darkness, and her fire cleansed my sins. My lover was as necessary to me as the air I breathed.

Unsure if this was leading to sex which could be awkward or possibly end in my decapitation, I picked her up and gently laid her on the bed. Elle jerked and shuddered in my arms making my dick pulse with a desire so potent I felt light-headed. I’d barely touched her and was so close to coming it was absurd.

However, this time it wasn’t for me. It was for her. And I was going to enjoy it immensely.

“Don’t move,” I instructed as I snapped my fingers and removed her clothing.

Her body was indeed fuller due to her lady time and the sheer amount of breakfast pastries she’d indulged in, but to me she was the sexiest I’d ever seen her. I suppose if I had to get stabbed with a fork, seeing her like this made it worth it.

“You’re not joining me, Devil?” she inquired with a raised brow as she waved her hand and my suit disappeared.

My laugh as I looked down at my very primed naked body made my lover grin from ear to ear. Glancing back at her, I had to physically stop myself from gasping. Her blonde hair and pale skin on the black silk duvet was the most beautiful sight I’d seen.

“New game, my beauty,” I said as I took a seat on the armchair near the bed. “No touching.”

“None at all?” she pouted.

“Have you heard of tantric sex?” I inquired.

“I invented it,” she shot back, getting excited.

I shook my head and grinned. “Of course you did, Siren. However, this version is slightly different.”

“How?” she asked suspiciously as her lavender eyes lit with desire.

“Can you reach out with your mind and touch me?” I asked, wondering if I could truly do this when all I wanted was to bury myself balls deep in the woman who made everything real for me.

“I can,” she purred as I felt her all over me, coaxing every inch of my body to life.

She hadn’t moved from the bed. It was glorious. She was very good, but I was better. When I was bad, I was very, very bad, but when I was good? I was fucking awesome.

Staring straight into her eyes and aligning my breathing with hers, I ravished her gorgeous body from head to toe without a single touch.

Elle shrieked with passion and writhed on the bed. Her back arched and her body trembled. I watched her orgasm with conceit and masculine pride. She was exquisite, and she was mine.

“That wasn’t very nice,” she said as she came back down to reality with a huge smile on her face.

“I’m not a nice man—at all,” I replied as I doubled my efforts and brought the woman I adored to heights that were as satisfying as if I’d been inside her. It was surreal and like nothing I’d ever known.

I wouldn’t have guessed I could give without taking, but seeing her pleasure was as gratifying as getting my own.

“Oh my Hell,” Elle gasped out as her body rocked with orgasmic aftershocks. “Your turn now.”

“After you come several more times,” I told her. “Right now, it’s all about you.”

“This kind of makes me feel guilty for insisting you stab yourself,” she admitted sheepishly. “It’s not fair that I’m having all the fun.”

“Trust me,” I said with an evil chuckle. “I’m enjoying myself immensely, and we’ll get to me eventually.”

“Holy shitballs on fire,” Martha yelled from the doorway. “I told you his deedle-honk had to be big, but that man-yam is fuckin’ enormous. Makes my lady blossom hard. Can’t say I’ve ever seen a shmackle so spectacular.”

“Slap my ass and call me Gary,” Jane gasped out. “That is one impressive zipper sausage. Now, I’m real fond of Lizard’s ginormous purple helmeted love warrior, but that dang love plunger is one for the record books.”

“Shit,” I hissed as I snapped my fingers and clothed myself and Elle.

Maybe Elle wouldn’t impale them and hang them in the palace, but I was about to.

Martha and Jane were grinning like the imbeciles they were—eyes glued to the crotch of my pants. If they weren’t carrying large trays of greasy food that made my Siren sit up and take notice, I would have fried them both to ash and enjoyed it.

“Have you ever heard of knocking?” I snarled as they simply stood there like idiots and kept grinning.

“Door was open,” Jane announced, waddling into the room and placing the tray of food at the foot of the bed. “If you’re gonna sling that outstanding wang around, you should lock the door.”

“Jane’s right,” Martha announced as she tied a large napkin around Elle’s neck and proceeded to feed her fries drenched in ketchup.

“Did you happen to bring any chocolate sauce?” Elle asked as she grabbed a burger and shoved it in her face.

“Got it right here,” Martha assured her as Elle proceeded to dip her fries in the chocolate.

It was academically interesting and digestively appalling. However, if my lover was happy, I was happy. Tantric sex could wait until another time. My family jewels had deflated the moment I’d heard the old bag’s voices. And quite honestly, after the names they’d bestowed on my dick, it would be a while before he recovered.

“Would you like a fry, Lucifer?” Elle asked, holding up a few chocolate-covered catastrophes.

“Umm… no,” I replied. “I’m good. I have to eliminate the bastard who’s trying to ruin the worldwide celebration of my birthday.”

“You have a birthday?” she asked. “Why don’t I know about this?”

“I’ve only just discovered the date myself,” I told her as she stood up and began to arm herself.

“Don’t you worry about a thing,” Elle said, putting a few doughnuts in her pockets along with several vicious-looking daggers. “I’ll destroy anyone who wants to ruin your party. Just tell me who to kill. I’m feeling so violent lately it would be nice to use it productively.”

Teasing her back to the bed with a hunk of cheesecake, I disarmed my beauty and kissed the top of her head. Having someone who wanted to defend me was new. I was still getting used to it.

“I have it covered,” I promised. “Lizard knows a badass named Murry who can find the culprit.”

“Mmkay,” Elle said with a wrinkled brow and a mouthful of cheesecake. “Murry is not a badass name.”

“While I agree with you, I have no leads at the moment. I thought it might be one of the Sins, but it’s not,” I told her as I picked up a napkin and gently wiped the extra cheesecake from her lips.

“Ohhhh, I forgot to tell you,” Elle said as she squealed at the sight of cheese pizza. “Strangely enough, all Seven Sins poofed in here a short while ago. They seemed just as shocked as I was. Sloth said something about trying to get to Paris and Envy was bitching about house hunting. Of course, when Gluttony went for my cookies and I put a fork in her forehead, they left rather quickly. I feel a little bad about that. I mean, it’s one thing to stab you. I probably shouldn’t be maiming your daughters.”

“No worries,” I assured her. “If I thought I could get away with incinerating them I would.”

“Okay, good. That makes me feel better,” Elle replied, inhaling the pizza. “Oh, and my new buddies Martha and Jane are searching for their Aunt Flow. If you see her, could you kidnap her for them? Apparently, she’s a real piece of work.”

I was positive I went paler than a ghost. Elle went on eating as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Martha and Jane were rather alarmed as well. I could only surmise that my Siren was as unhip as I was and didn’t know the slang lingo for lady time.

My head would stay attached to my neck for the time being, but I shot the old Vamps a look that was impossible to mistake. I’d warned them not to bring up lady time. I’d actually done it for their own good. If they were stupid enough to speak of it, their deaths would not be on my hands.

Gingerly approaching Elle, just in case the mention of Aunt Flow was a set up for an attack with a fork, I kissed her again and ended up with pizza sauce on my lips. It didn’t bother me a bit. Nothing my lover said or did could drive me away.

Not even a fork in the forehead.

It was good to be nuts. It was excellent to be the Devil. But being in love with a Siren who controlled fate and could wield a fork like a damned ninja was outstanding.

Chapter Five

“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” I snapped as we hid in the bushes outside of a modest ranch home in the middle of Tennessee.

“Nope,” Lizard whispered, peeking out to make sure the coast was clear. “Murry’s mom is about to leave. We can enter the premises as soon as she drives away.”

“Murry does not sound like a badass if he’s terrified of his mother,” I muttered, realizing the irony of my statement. I was the ultimate badass, and my mother scared the shit out of me. My mother was a force of certifiably insane nature.

Lizard glanced over at me and grinned. He was a smart Demon not to say anything. But in my defense, my brother God, was terrified of Mother Nature as well.

“I don’t have all day,” I hissed. “Elle is eating Hell out of food. I need to get back and make sure someone goes shopping for the love of everything ridiculous.”

“My sexy concubines will take care of her,” Lizard assured me as he chomped on his gum. “Martha and Jane are creative and crafty and have incredible hooters.”

I nodded curtly so I didn’t throw up. Beauty was truly in the eye of the beholder.

“Is that his mother?” I whispered as a tiny, frail-looking old woman with a walking cane left the house and got into what had to be a thirty-year-old station wagon. She didn’t look like she could hurt a flea.

Lizard appeared perplexed as well. “I guess,” he said, checking his phone for a text from Murry the badass. “Yep. That was her.”

The more I observed, the more this idea seemed like a bad one. I’d give Murry the badass five minutes. If he was as appalling as his name, I was out of here.

“Sire, just so you know, Murry’s kinda weird,” Lizard explained. “Go with it.”

“Go with what?” I asked, annoyed.

“You’ll see,” Lizard said with a grin.

I didn’t like the sound of it, but with April 1st less than a week away, I needed to get to the bottom of who was trying to stop my celebration. It was beyond unacceptable that the world not celebrate me and my womb eviction day.

“Fine,” I conceded. “Does Murry the badass know who he’s dealing with this afternoon?”

“Nope,” Lizard said with a chuckle. “I figured if you wanted to tell him, I’d leave that up to you.”

“Good thinking. I won’t kill him unless he’s too weird,” I announced grandly.

“Works for me,” Lizard said. “Let’s do this.”

“Yes. Let’s,” I said with an eye roll as I climbed out of the bushes and hoped no one was watching. I didn’t like bad entrances and this one was awful.

* * *

The basement was dark and windowless. Open bags of chips and beef jerky littered the coffee table and the scent of what I could only guess were hot dogs lingered in the air. A television was blasting and set to a channel with entertainment news. I briefly saw the image of my own face flash by with a story about how the movie version of my book was setting records overseas. That feat had cost me a damned fortune.

Our illustrious host stood about five foot two and had to be a hundred pounds soaking wet. He had a mullet that defied reason. His choice of outfit rivaled Lizard’s except Murry’s tracksuit was skintight. The man resembled a polyester toothpick. I was going to have to bleach my eyes when I got back to Hell.

Murry the badass stood up and greeted us with a deep bow of respect. It lasted about five minutes too long. I glanced over at Lizard to see if Murry was stuck and we should help the badass up. My Demon warrior just shrugged and mouthed, I told you he was weird.

Weird was an understatement. I’d go with strange, abnormal, bizarre and disturbing.

“I’m gonna hug ya,” Murry said in a voice that cracked like a prepubescent teenage human boy. “Need to get yer vibe.”

“Hugging is not my thing,” I said, shooting Lizard a glare.

“Huggin’ is fer everyone!” Murry announced, coming in for a show of affection.

It took herculean effort not to fry him where he stood.

The hugging was bad. The sniffing was appalling. The small man sniffed my neck for at least ten minutes while Lizard tried not to laugh. It felt like an assault by someone with a smelling fetish. Murry the badass was a whack job, and Lizard was going to pay.

“Holy shee-ott,” Murry said as he finished inhaling and looked startled. “Reptile, ya didn’t tell me you was bringin’ the Devil to my lair.”

“It’s Lizard, not Reptile,” Lizard corrected the freak. “And you didn’t ask.”

“Ya got me there!” Murry the badass shouted and laughed so hard he fell over and couldn’t get up.

“Sweet Hell on fire,” I muttered as I waved my hand and set Murry the dumbass back on his feet. “You’re a Dragon?”

“Yep,” Murry answered, looking at me with so much awe that I decided he could live. “And yer the Devil?”

“I am,” I replied. “Your mother is a Dragon as well?”

Murry nodded his head and grunted out a chuckle or a burp. I wasn’t sure. “Yes siree, she’s as mean as a snake, but I love her somethin’ fierce. Told me last week she was gonna have my birth certificate canceled if I didn’t take out the trash. Can you believe that shee-ot?”

Having no clue if that was an actual question, I declined to answer. It didn’t matter, Murry kept yapping.

“Mammy can fry the hair off yer nuts from a thousand yards away. Yer testies will look like the day you were born.”

“Impressive,” I said, holding back a gag.

“Yep, Mammy’s legally blind and not quite right in the head. But just in case ya need a trim, I’m gonna recommend that ya don’t ask her to fry yer pubes. Her aim sucks ass on account her peepers don’t work and you could lose yer pecker. Mammy sizzled the hair right off my head last month when I asked her to trim my nose locks. Underneath my fabulous wig, I’m as bald as a freakin’ cue ball. But Mammy makes the best beans-n-franks ya ever tasted.”

“Okay,” I said, pressing the bridge of my nose and trying to have a semi-decent attitude. “That was entirely too much information. You let a blind woman drive a car?”

“Awww, it’s fine,” Murry said with a wave of his hand. “She enjoys it. Normally Mammy just takes out a few mailboxes. No biggie.”

“So why is it that we can’t be here when your mother is present?” I asked, immediately regretting it. Curiosity was an admirable quality when you were speaking with a sane person who wasn’t sporting a mullet wig.

“Well, Lord of the Dark Shit, it’s a little embarrassin’ to have people know I live in my Mammy’s basement bein’ that I’m three thousand years old and all. So, if I only let people in when she’s not home, no motherhumper’s the wiser. I’m the king of my lair.”

“But we know you live in your Mammy’s basement,” I pointed out, only to watch the dolt become seriously confused.

“So yer sayin’ I didn’t have to send Mammy to the Piggly Wiggly and endanger all the mailboxes in town cuz you already know I live in the basement?” Murry questioned.

I was ready to incinerate Murry the badass. The Dragon was clearly missing brain cells. This was absurd. Thankfully, Lizard could sense my ire. Or possibly the fact that I was glowing and sparking might have clued my Demon in.

“Murry, we need information,” Lizard said. “If you can supply us with what we need there will be payment.”

“Now Alligator, that sounds right fine,” Murry said, rubbing his tiny hands together with glee.

“It’s Lizard, not Alligator,” Lizard corrected the idiot for the second time.

“Whoops, my bad. Lizard, I’d like a two-hundred-dollar gift card to the Red Lobster, a few extra wigs since there’s a fine chance I’ll be bald fer a while, and a lifelong season pass to the Monster Truck Rally.”

“Is he serious?” I asked. I was the fucking Devil and he asked for a gift card to the Red Lobster?

Lizard nodded and grinned. I just hoped this wasn’t a case of you get what you pay for…

“Are you able to ascertain where a letter came from? And who it came from?” I asked.

“Did ya bring it?” Murry inquired, moving in dangerously close.

If he hugged me again it would be the last thing he ever did.

“I did,” I said, easing away so I didn’t have to electrocute him.

“Lemme smell it.”

Glancing over at Lizard, he nodded. What could it hurt? Nothing. Maybe the badass wasn’t a dumbass. Possible but doubtful.

Murry took the letter in his tiny hands and raised it to his nose. The sounds he made as he smelled it rivaled a ravenous Hell Hound at feeding time. It was enough to make me never touch the paper again. However, it was evidence. I’d simply make Lizard hold it.

“Whoever wrote it is of Demon persuasion. The letter comes from Hell,” Murry said then froze as the front door slammed shut. “Shee-ot! Hide.”

Lizard dove under a table. I glanced around the room in annoyance and squatted behind a chair. This was preposterous. I was the fucking Satan. But the fact the badass-dumbass could tell the threatening letter had been penned by a Demon and came from Hell was more information than I had five minutes ago. If the imbecile wanted me to hide, I’d hide.

“Murry, honey,” his mother called down the stairs. “Ya got some friends over?”

“Umm… no, Mammy,” he lied.

“I call bullshit,” the little old lady shouted. “I’m gonna make some beans-n-franks! I’m so excited ya finally got ya some buddies. All the neighbors think yer a serial killer. I’ll be right down. Does anyone need a trim?”

“Hell to the NO,” Murry yelled.

“Wonderful! I’ll get my inner fire stoked,” she squealed.

“Dangit,” Murry muttered. “Sorry, guys. Mammy’s a little hard of hearin’ too. Keep yer hands over yer nuts when she comes down.”

“Wait,” I said, standing up and squinting at Murry. “Why are we hiding?”

Again, Murry got terribly confused. “No clue.”

It was time to leave. I didn’t want to have to decapitate an old woman with a cane. “Can you tell me who wrote the letter?” I asked tersely.

“Nope,” Murry said. “I’d have to go to Hell and do a little sniffin’ around.”

I almost laughed when I realized he meant it literally.

“Fine. That can be arranged. Do you need to read the letter?”

Murry blushed a deep blotchy red and stared at his feet. His skinny body shook with embarrassment, and I had to look away. Even Lizard appeared sorry for Murry the badass Dragon who was clearly illiterate. Closing my eyes and letting my head fall back on my shoulders, I sighed—dramatically… very dramatically. The Dragon couldn’t read. Being compassionate wasn’t in my wheelhouse. It gave me hives and didn’t look good for my asshole reputation.

“Lizard, if you ever repeat what you’re about to hear, I will send you on a spa trip with Murry’s Mammy—for a century or twelve. I shall give explicit directions to have your nut hair trimmed multiple times a day. Am I clear?”

“You are, Sire,” Lizard said with a twinkle in his eyes and a hint of a grin on his thin lips.

The bastard behaved as if he knew what I was going to do… How did he know? I wasn’t even sure if I was going to do it. And then I glanced over at Murry the skinny dumbass Dragon who was bald under his mullet due to his mother’s bad nose hair aim. The idiot was three thousand years old and lived in his mother’s basement… and couldn’t read.

Damnit. Ever since I’d become happy, I was losing my edge.

“On your knees,” I directed curtly.

Murry’s eyes grew wide and he did as he was told. The skinny Dragon trembled and bowed his head.

“You get one wish granted,” I said then realized the dolt might wish for a trip to Red Lobster. “I’d suggest you use it wisely.”

“Can I get a hint about the wisely part?” Murry inquired.

Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, I counted to ten and went against everything I believed in. Being nice was fucking debilitating.

“Ask me to grant you the power to read,” I ground out, sure I was covered in hives.

“You can do that?” he asked, shocked.

“I’m fucking Satan,” I shouted. “Of course, I can do that.”

“Daayum, you can do that too?” Murry asked, wildly impressed.

“You forgot to add the,” Lizard reminded me.

“I know that,” I hissed and blew up Murry’s coffee table, so that I wouldn’t set him ablaze. “Okay, here’s the deal. Yesssss, I can give you the ability to read. And no, I can’t fuck myself. Although, metaphorically, I’m doing a fantastic job of it. So, ask me fast before I change my mind, Dragon.”

“I wanna know how to read, Oh Great Master of Dark Shit,” Murry said quickly, plastering his face on the floor in respect.

With a wave of my hand, black enchanted glitter covered Murry from head to toe. He jerked and convulsed on the floor for a moment then hopped to his feet.

“That hurt like a mother humper,” he shouted with a wide grin and a thumbs up. “Almost as much as when Mammy shoots a fireball at my nards.”

“Too much information,” I said with a raised brow. “Read the letter, Murry.”

Murry unfolded the letter and stared at it for a long moment in confusion. Had the spell not worked? That was impossible. I was fucking Sa… I was the fucking Satan. Murry’s joyous blubbering put my worries to rest.

“If you get the letter wet with your boohooing, I’ll electrocute you,” I said calmly. It felt lovely to be an asshole again after such a ridiculously magnanimous gesture. “Read, Dragon.”

“Lord of Darkness, the day will never happen. The birth will go unrecognized. The end draws near for your latest folly and the hands of fate shall be empty. Heed these words and do not try to replace what already exists,” he read then scrunched his nose.

“What?” I asked, wondering if he had more information.

“I can read it, but I got no clue what it means,” he said, scratching his mullet.

“Someone is trying to destroy my birthday,” I said flatly. “And they shall not be successful.”

“You want me to sniff out the baddie?” Murry asked.

“I do. And you are free to trim the culprit when he is found,” I added.

“Ain’t no he,” Murry said, sniffing the letter again. “It’s a she.”

My eyes narrowed dangerously. Could my mother have done this after all? If it was indeed Mother Nature, many of Murry’s clues were wrong. My mother was not a Demon, and she didn’t live in Hell. Although, my father, Bill, was a Sprite and visited Hell frequently to fix appliances. I had to procure new electrical items every time he came to Hell to repair things. He was a fucking disaster with a hammer and screwdriver. Could the Demon essence be on the letter because Bill spent so much time amongst Demons but lived in Nirvana with my crazy mother?

Preposterous. Or was it?

“You will come to Hell,” I commanded Murry as I snatched the letter from his hands and gave it to Lizard for safekeeping. “We will gather all the female Demons, and you will sniff them. Lizard, you will accompany Murry so none of the females maim or decapitate him.”

“Where will you be, my liege?” Lizard asked.

“I’m taking a short detour to Nirvana. I haven’t seen my mother in a while,” I said frowning.

“Got the beans-n-franks,” Mammy shouted from the top of the stairs. “Everybody take yer pants off. I’m gonna do a little trim for ya, on the house. Any friend of Murry’s is a friend of mine—not that he’s ever had friends before.”

“Cover yer nuts, men,” Murry said wild-eyed.

“Murry, turn up the news!” Mammy yelled as she slowly came down the stairs. “Dr. Ruth was kidnapped. It’s just awful. I love that sex-crazed little German gal. She’s a hoot. I’d fry her nose hair for free any day of the week.”

“Oh no! Some terrible person kidnapped Dr. Ruth?” Murry yelled back, horrified. “I love Dr. Ruth.”

“Who in the fuck is Dr. Ruth?” I whispered to Lizard.

“Tiny little sex and marital therapist of German descent,” Lizard informed me. “A real firecracker and very hot. Almost as hot as Carol Channing, Martha and Jane.”

And the day just kept getting stranger.

“Murry, I’m in a bit of a time crunch here. Would you mind skipping the beans-n-franks and the burning of the nads?” I questioned tersely.

“Was that actually a question?” Murry inquired.

“No,” I said with a chuckle. “It was the plan of action.” Maybe Murry wasn’t as stupid as I’d originally thought.

“Hey Mammy, I’m gonna go to Hell with my buddies fer a bit. Ya wanna come?”

Scratch that. Murry was an imbecile.

“Wish I could,” Mammy wheezed out as she made it down to the basement with a steaming crock of beans-n-franks that I was sure Elle would love. “But I have bingo with the girls later.”

Mammy was tinier than I’d originally thought. The old woman barely came to my hip. She was staring at me as if I’d grown another head. Taking no chances, I quickly covered my balls and glared right back.

“Well, I’ll be gobsmacked,” she shrieked at a decibel that almost blew out my eardrum. “Yer Blade Inferno—highest-paid romance author in the world! Just saw yer movie—funniest damn thing I ever saw.”

“It wasn’t a comedy,” I said flatly. I really needed to either read the book or watch the movie.

“Whoops, my bad,” she cackled as golden smoke wafted out of her nose. “I’m real honored that you’ve come to have a trim. Never thought I’d have the chance to de-hair the nuts of a celebrity.”

“Trust me, you won’t,” I assured her.

“Just take them pants off, and I’ll have ya as clean as a whistle in a jiffy,” Mammy announced as she put the beans-n-franks on the bottom step.

“What the fuck?” I hissed, as I glanced over at Lizard and Murry in alarm.

“Umm… Mammy, Blade just had his balls waxed yesterday,” Murry said. “His nards are in fine shape right now.”

I was torn between incinerating Murry and letting him hug me again.

“Well, now that’s a damned shame,” Mammy said, shaking her head sadly. “Next time ya need a trim, I’m hoping you’ll come on back.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said, delighted I didn’t have to electrocute her.

“Ya do that,” Mammy said. “Now, Murry, ya have a good time in Hell and mind yer manners. Ya want the beans-n-franks to go?”

“Nope,” Murry said.

“Yes,” I quickly corrected Murry. “My mate would enjoy them.”

“Is she in need of a trim?” Mammy inquired as if that was a normal fucking question.

“No. Never,” I replied, closing my eyes and wondering how in the Hell I was in a basement on Earth having this conversation with fools.

“Alrighty then,” Mammy said as she blew a perfectly circular smoke ring from her nose and produced a snap lid for the beans-n-franks. “Ya can keep the crock. I got tons.”

“Excellent,” I replied, taking the crock and handing it to Lizard.

“Yer welcome,” Mammy said.

“I didn’t say thank you,” I ground out as my fingers began to shoot black sparks.

“Actually, you did just say thank you,” Lizard pointed out unhelpfully.

“I most certainly did not. I never say thank you,” I snapped.

“Said it twice in a row,” Murry said.

“Did not.”

“Did,” Mammy shot back with a wide grin on her wrinkled face.

I paused and realized they were correct. That simply wouldn’t do.

“Excuse me for a moment,” I said, crossing to the far side of the basement and blowing up the television with a flick of my fingers.

“Daayum,” Mammy said in appreciation. “Yer awfully powerful for a romance author.”

“He’s the Lord of Dark Shit,” Murry told his mother. “He’s got a mission for me, and we’re gonna get us a two-hundred-dollar gift card to the Red Lobster, a few extra wigs since there’s a fine chance I’ll be bald fer a while, and a lifelong season pass to the Monster Truck Rally.”

Mammy’s eyes narrowed dangerously, and I quickly covered my jewels again. She was clearly far smarter than her son. The old Dragon was probably going to up the payment with something unacceptable like world domination.

“It’s gonna cost ya a little more than that to have my Murry risk his life, Lord of Dark Crap,” Mammy announced, looking far scarier than she had only moments ago.

What was it about mothers that was so terrifying?

“And what more would you like?” I asked, letting my eyes glow red.

Mammy didn’t even flinch. She was either brave or extremely blind.

“We want everything Murry asked for and…”

“And?” I questioned tersely.

Mammy grinned. “I want a Ball Shop in Hell.”

“A Ball Shop?” I asked, not following.

“Yep,” Mammy said. “I’m gettin’ tired of the human plane. I’ve burnt down so many dang houses trying to keep my Murry hairless, I figure a little inferno or ten in Hell won’t make no difference.”

She had a point—a horrifying one. Hell was full of fire… especially the Basement where the evilest of the evil resided. Maybe I could make this work. Mammy on the loose could terrify the masses.

“Is location in Hell an issue?” I asked as I heard Lizard choke back a snort of laughter.

“Nah, the more fire the better,” Mammy said.

“We have a deal,” I said, knowing I would most likely regret it for the rest of my days. “You can set up shop as long as Murry comes through.”

“I’ll make ya proud, Mammy,” Murry said as he hugged his mother and they commenced with sniffing each other for fifteen minutes.

“Enough,” I snapped as there seemed to be no end in sight of the appalling Dragon ritual.

“I’ll pack our bags, Murry,” Mammy said with one last sniff. “Ya do what the Lord of the Dark Crap says, boy.”

“Will do!” Murry said, shoving some beef jerky into his pocket.

“Are we done here?” I inquired.

“I believe we are,” Lizard said with a smirk.

In a blast of strong black magic, we escaped with our balls intact. Things were looking up.

Chapter Six

“You’re behaving like a shit, Lucifer,” Mother Nature snapped with a flounce of her red curls as she eyed me dispassionately. “Can you not see that I’m wearing a crown and a sash?”

Nirvana gave me a headache. My mother gave me the desire to incinerate nations. All I’d said was hello, and she had already jumped up my outstanding ass.

“Your point, mother? I’m the Devil. I’m supposed to be a shit,” I replied easily, giving her one of my most charming smiles.

Mother Nature was unimpressed. Her eyes narrowed, and she adjusted the ornate and ridiculously large glittering disaster atop her head. “Do you like my crown?”

“Is that a trick question?” I shot back.

“No,” she said with an eye roll. “I already know it’s gorgeous like I am. I simply enjoy when people agree with me.”

My mother was very aware that she was one of the most exquisite people in existence. Of course, I was prettier, but stating that truth would be asking for trouble. Considering she was about to electrocute me for simply saying hello, I decided to lie.

“Your tiara is very sparkly… and large. It makes your head look quite small,” I said, ready to dive for cover if necessary. “You look lovely.”

“Thank you, sweetheart. I am gorgeous,” she agreed. “It’s wonderful of you to come and congratulate me on my win. I would have thought God would have come as well.”

Shit. It was rare for me to beat my brother out in our mother’s good and supremely unstable graces. I was torn between pretending I knew what the Hell she was talking about or telling the truth. The truth was bullshit. Since I never won in contests with my pious brother, I’d do what I did best… lie.

“Yes… well, congratulations on your win.”

“You watched it on the interwebs?” she asked, prancing around the garden.

“Of course,” I said, digging myself deeper into a hole that was likely filled with explosives.

With each step she took, roses in hues of pink and orange burst from the ground, replacing where her foot had been. She danced around until the entire area looked like a floral shop on steroids. It was far too happy for my mood.

“Mother, the flowers are giving me a migraine,” I said, waving my hand and turning the foliage to a sparkling black. So. Much. Better.

“Ohhh,” she said, examining my magical handiwork with glee. “This is nice for an evening soiree. Although, it needs a little something extra, darling.”

She wiggled her nose and a flock of teal and lavender parrots swarmed the area. Closing my eyes, I counted to ten, so I didn’t fry the flying shitters in the air. However, if I got crapped on even once, they were goners.

“I only fell six times,” Mother Nature went on, babbling with delight. “And my excellent bosoms stayed in my outfit the entire time. I wore my monkey, Studly, as a boa and he helped keep my top in place with his teeth—very creative on my part. Your father was so proud.”

I was certain my smile looked like a grimace. I still had no clue what she was speaking about. Staying silent was my best bet for leaving in one piece.

Mother Nature tilted her head to the side as she examined me in my mute state. It was insanely unnerving. My mother was quiet for a long moment. A rainbow of glitter burst from her body and bathed the garden in peach sparkles. It also blinded a few of the flying crappers. They bashed into each other before falling to the ground with a thud. My mother didn’t even notice. She was far too focused on me.

That did not bode well.

I wasn’t sure if she was going to electrocute me for my obvious lie or if she was going to laugh. With her, one never knew.

“You didn’t come to congratulate me,” she pouted.

With a put-upon sigh, I shrugged and grinned. “No, I did not. I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about, and I think that might be a good thing.”

My mother’s laugh rang out and echoed through Nirvana. The trees and bushes blossomed in response. It was hive-inducing.

“I won the pole dancing competition in Belize!” she squealed.

“You have got to be kidding me,” I choked out on a laugh, shocked to the core.

She was a dismal pole dancer. I knew this firsthand since she insisted on pole dancing at all family gatherings. The only thing she did worse than pole dancing was cook. My mother had invented food poisoning.

“My win surprises you?” she asked in a tone that meant something was about to go up in flames.

Good thing I loved fire.

“Were you the only contestant?” I questioned, unable to grasp how my mother had won.

“Not exactly,” she replied, looking a bit guilty.

Finally, the conversation was interesting.

“Mother, did you cheat?” I inquired with a grin.

“I might have prepared pre-show cupcakes for the other contestants,” she admitted with a giggle.

“You poisoned all of your competition?” I was impressed.

With a dismissive wave of her hand, she continued to giggle. “They’ll be fine. All the gals are Immortal. After they finish throwing up, they’ll be as good as new.”

“God won’t like this,” I pointed out, loving the fact I had a little something on our mother.

“Don’t you dare tell him, or I’ll spend a month in Hell landscaping your property,” she threatened. “And I mean it.”

Damnit, the whack job always won.

“Fine, I won’t,” I said, wondering how to broach the subject of her trying to destroy my womb eviction day without causing a natural disaster.

My mother adored being needed, and there was a far-flung possibility that she might have a little advice as to handling Elle’s visit from Aunt Flow. I’d play on her weaknesses then suss out the information I’d actually come for. It would be painful, but no pain, no gain.

“Sooo, Elle tried to decapitate me,” I informed her casually. “She also stabbed me with a fork.”

“Interesting,” she said as she snapped her fingers and produced two overstuffed, garish floral chairs that made me wince in pain. “Did you deserve it?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?” I demanded as I straddled the arm of the chair that was meant for me. It was too emasculating to actually sit in it.

“I am on your side, darling,” she assured me. “But you’re an asshole.”

This wasn’t going the way it was supposed to go. I was tempted to blow up part of Nirvana to calm myself, but my mother’s retaliation would be a nightmare. It had taken months to repair Hell the last time she’d visited.

“Elle’s acting rather strange,” I said in my defense. Mentioning lady time to my mother was out of the question. I’d just work around it and only say the words if necessary. “She’s never been quite so violent before.”

“Is she eating you out of Hell and home?” Mother Nature inquired as her eyes lit up, and she clasped her hands together with excitement. “Moody? Gaining a little weight?”

My eyes widened, and I slowly nodded my head. My mother was insane but clearly intuitive. It was an incredible relief not to have to spell it out. Saying the word menstruation to the woman who’d evicted me from her womb would be mortifying.

“How did you know?” I asked.

“I could tell the last time I saw her. I had a vision,” my mother replied, still grinning like a fool. “I didn’t want to spoil the wonderful surprise and tell you.”

Why she thought lady time was a wonderful surprise was a mystery. However, she also thought pole dancing and poisoning competitors was a good time. Making sense of my mother was fruitless.

“How should I handle it?” I asked before I could stop myself.

The shriek of joy that came from my mother’s mouth sent all of Nirvana into blossom overload. I was literally tied to the fucking chair by flowering vines.

“You’ve come to your mommy for advice? You want my opinion?” she squealed.

“Not anymore,” I mumbled as I snapped my fingers and killed the vines dead.

“Oh, pish,” she said with a happy sigh. “You just need to be there for Elle every step of the way. Fulfill her every wish and every desire.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I questioned.

She zapped me before I could duck.

“I should wash your mouth out with soap. It’s your fault she’s like this, Lucifer,” my mother snapped. “It’s the very least you can do. Trust me, it could be far worse than getting stabbed or decapitated.”

“It could?” I whispered in appalled shock as I slapped at my Armani suit to put out the fire. I had no clue how Elle’s lady time was my fault, but there was no way in Hell I was going to ask. Being zapped again didn’t appeal.

Mother Nature nodded and leaned in. “When it was my time, I repeatedly tried to remove your father’s pride and joy with a dull butter knife. His outstanding package was in danger for quite a while.”

This was far worse than anyone had led me to believe.

“How long did it last?” I asked. Aunt Flow seemed to visit human women for a week. However, Elle was a Siren and the Keeper of Fate. Who knew how long the curse could hang around?

“About nine months,” my mother informed me as I felt my head swim and my vision blur. “But with Elle being a Siren, it could last a week or a year. I have no clue. Would you like me to discuss it with her mother?”

“Yes,” I choked out, very sorry that I’d brought any of this up. Sometimes, it was best to be left in blissful darkness. “Can you let me know what she says?”

“Will you answer your cell phone when I call?” my mother asked with her perfectly plucked brow raised high.

Crap, I’d have to reprogram my phone to accept calls from the insane nutjob. I was quite sure she’d abuse the privilege tremendously. So be it. There was a price to be paid for everything. If picking up my mother’s calls would keep my dick from injury due to a dull butter knife, I would play. Well, at least until I had the information I needed.

“Yes,” I said through clenched teeth.

“Excellent,” Mother Nature said, patting my head. “Are the girls excited?”

What the Hell? Was my mother referring to my mate’s breasts?

“Which girls?” It was one thing to discuss the lady time. It was another thing entirely to discuss my mate’s assets.

“The Sins, you idiot—not Elle’s knockers. Your daughters,” my mother said, reminding me of a reality I wanted to forget most of the time. "Are they excited?"

“Excited about what?” I asked, confused as I swatted at her hand. I was older than dirt. There was no good reason to treat me like a child.

My mother rolled her eyes and slapped the back of my head. I preferred the pat.

“Excited about Elle’s state,” she clarified.

I was so damned confused. Did women celebrate each other’s lady time? It was absurd. I needed to steer the conversation back to the reason I’d come. There wasn’t much more I could take without electrocuting my mother… and that would not go over well.

“They’re in Paris at the moment pilfering goods and terrifying the masses. I’ve told them they have to move out of the Dark Palace,” I said, hoping that answered her question.

“Excellent plan,” she said, nodding her head in approval. “I don’t believe they can be trusted with this.”

“Not to worry,” I assured her, wanting to put an end to the discussion. “Elle stabbed Gluttony in the forehead when she went for her cookie.”

“That’s my girl,” my mother said with a giggle. “It’s bad juju to screw with Fate.”

I saw an opening. I took it. “Speaking of things that are fated,” I began, incredibly relieved to stop talking about the bizarre rituals revolving around women’s periods. “Did you happen to send me a letter recently?”

Mother Nature looked perplexed. “Not that I remember. What did it say?”

“I have it right here,” I replied as I reached into my pocket and came up empty-handed. Damnit, I’d given it to Lizard since it was covered in Murry the badass’ sniff residue. “Actually, I don’t have it.”

“Why do you think it’s from me?” my mother questioned as she clapped her hands and whipped up a late afternoon tea complete with scones and cakes. “Would you like a snack?”

“No,” I said flatly. “Trying to cut back on my food poisoning.”

“That’s not nice, Lucifer,” she said with a giggle. “True though. As shocking as it is to everyone in the Universe, there are a few things I’m not perfect at.”

“Shocking,” I said with a chuckle. “The letter was a threat. Someone is trying to stop the worldwide celebration of my birthday.”

“You have a birthday?” my mother asked in total seriousness.

“Yesssss,” I hissed. “You told me the date. I would think you might have some memory of evicting me from your damn womb, mother.”

“No need to get your panties in a wad, Lucifer,” she chided with an enormous eye roll.

“I go commando,” I snapped.

“So does your father,” my mother informed me.

“Too much information,” I said, pressing the bridge of my nose and trying to wipe the appalling visual from my frontal lobe. It was clear she hadn’t written the letter if she’d forgotten I had a birthday in the first place. “April 1st is not my birthday?”

Mother Nature bit down on her bottom lip so hard I was sure she was about to chew it off of her face.

“Umm… no,” she whispered, trying unsuccessfully to bite back her laughter.

“Excuse me for a moment,” I said politely.

Standing up, I walked to the far side of the garden and set the forest surrounding Nirvana ablaze. It was the least I could do to thank my mother for lying to me.

“Better now?” she asked as she wiggled her nose and created a rainstorm to put out the fire.

“Much,” I replied. “Why would you tell me that if it wasn’t true?”

“I was joking,” Mother Nature said, still trying not to giggle. “You were being such a dick that day, I decided to pay you back. April 1st is April Fool’s Day. I thought you would know I was pulling your leg, darling.”

“Clearly, I didn’t,” I ground out through clenched teeth, trying to figure out how I could salvage the debacle with the least amount of humiliation. I’d blackmailed Astrid into planning my party. I was certain the word was out now. It would severely damage my rep to call off a party… plus, I’d be getting gifts. “Do you even remember which month I was born in?”

“At the beginning of time, we didn’t use the same calendar we use now,” she pointed out. “That’s why I’m unsure of the exact date of your or God’s birthdays.

It was a slight relief that she didn’t know my brother’s birthday either.

“So then, it could very well be April 1st?” I pressed.

My mother scrunched her nose as she considered my inquiry. “I suppose it could be,” she said. “But wouldn’t you want to pick a date not synonymous with practical jokes?”

“It’s already a holiday of sorts. Correct?”

“Yes,” she said with a grin. “Where exactly are you going with this?”

“I’ll simply steal it for myself,” I explained, warming to the idea. I owned so many media outlets, newspapers and ad agencies I could make it work.

“Darling!” Mother Nature trilled. “What a wonderful idea. It’s already on people’s radars. I think it’s a brilliant plan.”

That gave me pause. If my mother thought it was brilliant, it probably wasn’t. Most of the plans my mother hatched ended in a natural disaster. However, saving face was of utmost importance.

Shit.

“Just to be clear,” I said, wanting to get the Hell out of my mother’s neck of the Universe. “You did not write the letter telling me the birth will go unrecognized, you want to end me, and that Elle won’t get any cake?”

“Absolutely not,” my mother said, tremendously offended. “I don’t have to write letters to be threatening. I simply have to show up. And as for cake, you’re welcome to take some of the cake I made back to Elle.”

“Definitely not,” I said, standing to take my leave. “I value my balls.”

“As you should. They’re very nice balls,” my mother said.

“Let’s not talk about my balls, mother.”

“You brought them up. I just complimented them,” she shot back as if that was a reasonable response. “You should let me see the letter, Lucifer.” She took a sip of her tea and promptly spit it out. “You tend not to see the fine print. Your ego is too large.”

“I inherited it from you,” I said.

“Touché,” she said with a smile. “Be that as it may, you should let me read the letter.”

“It’s been read by others who have come to the same conclusion,” I told her.

“Who?”

“Lizard and a Dragon named Murry.”

“Dragons still exist?” she questioned. “I thought they were extinct.”

“I believed them to be myth,” I said. “However, there is an illiterate badass with a mullet called Murry and his mother, Mammy.”

Mother Nature gasped and clasped her hands to her chest. “Did you say Mammy?”

“I did,” I replied, giving her an odd look.

“Tiny little thing? Likes to trim nether regions? One of the most dangerous Immortal assassins alive?”

“Yes. Yes. And absolutely not. Mammy comes up to my hip and uses a cane to walk for the love of everything ridiculous,” I snapped. “If she’s an assassin, I’m a saint.”

“Then you should probably call your brother and prepare for beatification of your sainthood, darling,” my mother said with a giggle. “Mammy’s a killer. Where is she, by the way?”

“Tennessee,” I said, unable to take in all the bizarre information that had been thrown at me today. Between the odd female ritual of celebrating each other’s lady times to the alarming news that Mammy was a killer who made beans-n-franks, I was pretty much done. “She wants to come to Hell and open a Ball Shop.”

“Hmm…” my mother said, mulling over the unnerving possibility of Mammy in Hell. “I suppose it’s not a bad fit. However, last time I saw her she was as blind as a bat. If I were you, I wouldn’t let her anywhere near your balls. As I said before, yours are very nice.”

Shoving my hands in my pockets so I didn’t electrocute my mother for mentioning my balls yet again, I nodded curtly. “Fine point. Well made. If the need arises, I shall read you the letter.”

“You’re welcome,” she said with a wink.

“I didn’t say thank you,” I replied.

“You didn’t have to, sweetheart. I can feel it. I’m your mother.”

And on that note, I left in a cloud of glittering black mist. I was tempted to actually say thank you to my mother. I needed to get back to Hell. Even stabbing myself was preferable to being polite.

My asshole reputation was being systematically shredded.

Chapter Seven

“I love you, you terrible man,” Elle whispered as she began to fall asleep in my arms.

“And I, you. Always, my deceitful beauty,” I said, sending a thank you to everything evil that Elle hadn’t tried to remove my balls.

There had been a tense moment earlier when she’d requested a butter knife to put jelly on her pizza. Thankfully, she smeared the pizza with the raspberry preserves and laid the knife back down. I hadn’t even had to stab myself this evening. It was a win-win.

The beans-n-franks had been a huge hit. Elle wanted more. As dreadful as the idea was, I’d sent for Mammy to come to Hell. Mammy had only been in Hell for a few hours and the entire kitchen staff of the Dark Palace had quit after she’d de-haired them.

To make matters worse, I still didn’t have a suspect in custody. Murry the badass had sniffed half the female Demons in Hell upon his arrival. He’d come up empty thus far. The Dragon had suffered a concussion, a broken nose and a severed leg. However, Murry was not put off by the violence—told me he’d quite enjoyed the female attention. The Dragon was an idiot. Maybe Mammy was an assassin and he was used to it. Or maybe my mother was nuts and her information was incorrect.

Wait, my mother was nuts.

Hell, I needed sleep and I needed my Siren. Elle seemed even rounder than she was this morning, but again, I found it wildly arousing. She could grow as big as a house, and I’d still hang on her every word and desire her until the end of time.

“Lucifer,” Elle said, yawning as she snuggled closer. “Martha and Jane brought someone here they want you to meet.”

“Here? In Hell?” I questioned. “How did they bring someone to Hell without my knowledge?”

“Yes, yes, and I don’t know. After a long discussion about cheeseburger sex, me explaining my need to tear your head from your body and a concert by the gals that made my ears bleed, Jane left for a bit and brought back a friend. Maybe it’s the illustrious Aunt Flow,” she said, barely able to stay awake.

While I was tremendously curious what cheeseburger sex entailed, I almost screamed at the mention of Aunt Flow. Was the woman real? Had they decapitated Aunt Flow and brought back her head to earn a favor from the Devil?

The heinous possibilities were endless. It brought a smile to my lips.

“Did you meet this friend?” I asked as I played with Elle’s hair the way she loved.

“No. Tomorrow. We will both meet her tomorrow,” she said. “Have to sleep. So darn tired.”

“Sleep, my lover,” I whispered, kissing the top of her head and closing my eyes.

Today had been excruciatingly long. Some shut-eye sounded wonderful. If the head of Aunt Flow awaited me in the morning, the pain in my ass Vamps had indeed earned a favor.

Now, I just needed to find the one who wanted to destroy my special day.

And when I did… it would not be pleasant.

* * *

“Sire, the cleaning staff quit,” Lizard informed me with a grin.

“And this is amusing to you?” I snapped, running my hands through my hair in annoyance.

The morning had started abysmally. The entire suite reeked of the beans-n-franks that Mammy had made for Elle’s breakfast, and now I had no staff to bleach my quarters to remove the offending stench. The only upside was that Elle was delighted with the odiferous fare.

“Got it covered. Darby, Dino and Dagwood are out of the infirmary. I figured as punishment for lighting their assholes on fire, they could clean the palace until suitable hairless replacements can be bribed.”

“Hairless?” I asked, even though I didn’t want the answer.

“If we find hairless Demons, Mammy can’t trim them,” Lizard pointed out with a smirk.

“What about Dino, Darby and Dagwood?” I asked with a put-upon sigh. “Are they not in danger from Mammy’s disgusting need to render the Universe as clean as a whistle?”

“Not for a few weeks,” Lizard assured me, rolling his baseball bat in his hands. “The blaze from the anal explosion singed all the hair off the bastard’s bodies. They’re a little scabby at the moment, but no hair to be found.”

I didn’t get paid enough to deal with this shit.

“Fine,” I ground out. The day was going south fast. “Hire them and let them know my office and suite stink. That shall be first on the agenda.”

“You have a meeting in thirty minutes,” Lizard said, smacking on his ever-present wad of gum. “And Astrid is due later this afternoon to go over the details of your birthday party.”

“How do you know this?” I asked, perplexed.

I had a damned Demon who kept my schedule for me. His name escaped me at the moment, but that was irrelevant.

“Thamuz quit, so I took over.”

“Mammy?” I questioned, wondering if the fucking beans-n-franks were worth it.

“Yep, she nailed him. Rumor has it, she was goin’ for his pit hair and blew both his arms off his body,” Lizard said, shaking his head and laughing.

“None of this is funny,” I shouted, setting my desk on fire. “My womb eviction celebration is days away, and the celebration is in Hell. As of right now, the menu will consist of beans-n-franks and the Dark Palace will be filled with dust bunnies. This is not working for me.”

“The beans-n-franks are killer,” Lizard said, walking right into the blaze and trying to put out the fire with his blood-stained beret.

Snapping my fingers, I snuffed out the small inferno and blew up a computer that was annoying me. It wasn’t a large loss since there were twenty more in the office supply closet that I’d pilfered last week. It was better than blowing Lizard sky high. I didn’t have time for Lizard to go to the infirmary due to my tantrum. It seemed my staff was non-existent. Incinerating the last man standing was a bad plan.

“Speaking of killers,” I growled as I picked up my favorite stolen stapler and smiled with relief that it hadn’t melted in the fire. “Were you aware that Mammy is an assassin?”

“Holy shit on a sharp stick,” Lizard said, suitably impressed. “Mammy is that Mammy?”

“According to my mother, yes.”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” he said, placing the blood-encrusted, fire-damaged beret back on his head.

“You already are,” I pointed out, wondering if he’d be offended if I insisted he change his outfit on a semi-regular basis.

“Already am what?” he asked, confused.

“Damned,” I replied.

Lizard chuckled and gave me a thumbs up. “You got me there, my liege.”

“Yes. I do,” I said. “And Mammy? You’ve heard of her?”

“I have, but I didn’t put it together,” Lizard replied, sitting on the edge of my charred desk. “She might come in handy if we can find the piece of crap who wants to end you and mess with your uterus day.”

I didn’t correct him. If I did, I’d have to electrocute him. Since I was short on manpower, I decided to ignore his faux pas.

“She might,” I said, waving my hand and repairing the damage I’d caused. “She might also empty Hell of all Demons in twenty-four hours.”

That certainly wouldn’t go over well to have all my Demons roaming Earth. Not that they weren’t allowed out of Hell. They were. And despite the general public believing all Demons created evil, they were wrong. Demons thrived on evil. We did not create it. Yes, we stole, lied and cheated, but we subsisted on the evil of man.

Free will gave mankind ample opportunity to be bad. And mankind could be very bad indeed. The irony was that in the end, evil was my brother’s fault. God had been the one to grant mankind free will, and it bit him in his do-gooder ass regularly. This fact warmed my black heart tremendously.

“Let me gather myself for a moment,” I said, mulling over the appalling state of Hell. “Send whomever I’m meeting with in when they arrive.”

“You’ve got it, boss,” Lizard said with a bow then quietly exited.

It was going to go up from here. It simply had to. I’d have Mammy make a vat of beans-n-franks for Elle and then move her down to the Basement of Hell. I didn’t give a damn who she de-haired down there.

“Darling?” Elle called out as she entered the office looking more gorgeous than I’d ever seen her. Her lavender silk robe hugged her new curves and matched her eyes. Her beauty slayed me. “Your cell phone is ringing off the hook. The name that comes up is Nightmare Whackjob. Is that truly someone’s name?”

“Umm… kind of,” I said with a grin as I pulled her onto my lap and breathed her in.

Her scent was intoxicating. My body relaxed instantly, and my mind felt calm. Holding my lover was far less destructive than blowing up buildings or computers—and far more pleasurable.

“You smell good enough to eat,” I said, nibbling at her neck.

“I feel quite sexy,” she purred, pressing her lips to mine. “You don’t mind my bizarre weight gain?”

“I love it,” I said truthfully. My pants grew uncomfortably tight and visions of making love to my Siren consumed me.

And then my cell phone rang… and rang… and rang. The effect of knowing my mother was at the other end of the call was like dipping my dick in ice water.

“Is Nightmare Whackjob anyone I know?” she asked with a laugh.

“My mother,” I told her with a chuckle as I let my head fall back on my shoulders and ignored the call.

“I thought you blocked her,” Elle replied, tracing my lips with her finger.

“Yes, well, she cut a little deal and I unblocked her,” I explained. “It’s temporary.”

“You should probably call her back. It’s been ringing for an hour.”

“Shit,” I muttered, knowing Elle was correct. Hopefully, my mother had news as to how long Elle’s lady time was going to last. There was no way I was going to share that with my lover though. I could still feel the violence simmering under the surface.

“Call her and I’ll meet you back here in a few,” Elle said as she stood and moved away for me. “Martha and Jane are bringing their friend to meet us.”

I felt the loss of her heat immediately, and I didn’t like it. I hated watching Elle walk away from me even though I knew she was simply going to get dressed for the day. My need for her was obsessive, addictive, and every kind of perfect. She was my reason for being.

“That’s the first meeting?” I asked with a wince. Just when I thought the day couldn’t get any worse… it could.

“Yep,” Elle said with a laugh. “And they’re bringing cookies.”

“Wonderful,” I lied through my teeth. “Can’t wait.”

Chapter Eight

“Darling, I spoke with Sadie,” my mother informed me from her end of the call. “She’s beyond thrilled about Elle and said she’d get herself to Hell ASAP. The other Sirens in Kismet have stopped killing men during sex for the most part. She feels it’s safe to leave them for a few weeks.”

“Seriously? Sadie is coming here?” I snapped.

Why in the name of everything dastardly would Elle’s mother want to come to Hell for her daughter’s period? Not that I didn’t enjoy my mother-in-law’s company—she was a wonderful liar, but this was getting out of hand. I wanted Elle to myself.

“Yes, seriously,” my mother hissed. “This is one of the biggest events in her daughter’s life, you jackass. Hang on a sec, sweetie.”

I pulled the phone away from my ear as my mother began to scream at someone.

“I can’t do a double,” she shrieked. “I split the crotch of my pants the last time I did that. Those pants were one of a kind. NO DOUBLES.”

I really hoped she wasn’t shouting at my father. There was only so much a son wanted to overhear.

“A double is out of the question,” she continued at a decibel that could be heard for miles. “If you say that word one more time, I shall electrocute you. And I’m being kind, jackhole. Usually, I give no warning.”

I was so tempted to hang up, I could taste it. However, I was hoping for a bit more information.

“Sorry, darling,” my mother said in a calmer voice. “My pole dancing instructor wants me to do a double twist dismount. I won’t do it. I have a sneaking suspicion that she wants to punish me for my teeny tiny mistake at the competition in Belize.”

“You mean poisoning your competitors?” I asked.

“That sounds awful when you say it that way, Lucifer,” she chided with a giggle. “And yes, my coach was one of the gals in the competition. That being said, I won’t do a double. Don’t you agree with me? My pants are insanely expensive. Crotchless designer pants are not classy—well, not in public. Your father would love them.”

“Mmmkay,” I said, wanting to move the conversation along to something that didn’t have anything to do with my mother’s crotch. “Did Sadie have any other information? Like how long my balls would be in danger?”

“Oh yes! Here’s the most exciting news. Elle’s time only lasts a week. Can you believe that shit? I went the whole nine months. It’s not fair.”

I sent a silent condolence to my father for having to watch his nuts for that long.

“Excellent,” I said, mentally counting the days. “It will coincide with my womb eviction day. The cause for celebration shall be two-fold.”

My mother’s squeal of joy almost burst my eardrum. “Yes, according to Sadie, her time will come to an end early in the morning. It always happens in the morning for a Siren. It shall be a double celebration!”

“Umm… yes,” I said, hoping the word double wouldn’t start another crotch rampage. “Will you be attending the party?”

“Wouldn’t miss it, Lucifer. I received my invitation from Astrid just this morning. I do find it appalling that you want stolen gifts.”

Ahh, Astrid had followed orders. Point for my niece.

“Yes, well, I'm a badass,” I replied with a grin. “It seems fitting.”

“And you’re also an asshole,” my mother reminded me.

“Thank you.”

“It wasn’t a compliment,” she shot back with another giggle. “But I do adore you. And just remember the name Gaia is truly lovely even for a boy.”

“You want me to take your name?” I asked, confused. Clearly, she’d fallen on her head a few times during her pole lesson.

“No, silly goose. Just keep it in mind,” she said. “Have to go. The pole waits for no one.”

With that, she hung up on me. I considered blocking her again, but I would wait until Elle’s lady time was over. Hell forbid there were more rituals I knew nothing about.

* * *

“Okay, Spectacular Shmackle,” Martha said as she entered my office with Jane and a tiny woman in tow. “We got it all fuckin’ figured out for you.”

“What the Hell are you wearing?” I choked out. I chose to ignore the dick reference. Since it was accurate, I’d give Martha a pass.

The two old Vamps normally looked horrendous. However, today was a shining moment of Hellishness. Both Martha and Jane were clad in what could only be described as assless, lime-green lederhosen with hot pink sequined boob tubes, paired with black socks and brown orthopedic shoes. It was so awful it was difficult to look away. They were undead walking train wrecks.

“You like it, Luscious Love Plunger?” Jane asked, modeling her disaster and slapping her bare ass as she turned to show Elle and me every nightmarish angle. “It’s in honor of our guest.”

“No,” I said flatly. “I don’t like it.”

“Aww, come on,” Martha shouted with a cackle, shimmying so that the light caught the hot pink sequins as she delivered a massive plate of cookies to Elle. “Someone with a master deedle-honk like you should love this outfit. Shows lots of skin.”

That fact could not be debated. I’d never seen so much wrinkled, sagging flesh in my existence. Elle didn’t seem bothered by the disgusting display of epidermis. She was far too involved with the cookies.

“I have a full agenda,” I said, wanting to get the meeting over with as soon as possible. “Get to the point and get out.”

“See what I’m talking about?” Martha said to the tiny woman who stood quietly and took notes. “Fabu Man-yam is all kinds of rude.”

The woman nodded her little head, eyed me for a long moment then took more notes.

Shit.

If this was Aunt Flow, we were all in trouble. The woman was Immortal, but I couldn’t put my finger on her species. I searched my vocabulary for a word to describe her. The only word that came to mind was one I’d banned from my speech. Cute. The tiny woman was cute. Cute was a terrible thing. It hid all kinds of unsavory motives.

The woman had to be about four and a half feet tall. She wore a bright red pantsuit, sensible shoes and red-rimmed glasses. I could blow, and she’d fly away, but for some unknown reason she terrified me. My guess? She had to be a mother. Mothers were terrifying.

“And you are?” I demanded in a curt tone, letting her know who was boss.

“You don’t know?” Martha asked, surprised.

“Obviously not,” I snapped as Elle finally looked up from the cookies.

“Dr. Ruth?” Elle asked as her smile widened with recognition. “Is that really you?”

“It is,” Dr. Ruth said warmly in a German accent. “And how are you, Keeper of Fate?”

“I’m great. You want a cookie?” Elle asked, clearly besotted with the cute Dr. Ruth.

“You’re willing to give up a cookie for this woman?” I asked, shocked.

I was slightly worried if this Dr. Ruth said yes, she’d end up impaled on something sharp. So be it. It would put an end to the meeting.

“Of course,” Elle said, handing several cookies over to the tiny woman.

I considered asking for one but decided not to risk it with company present.

“Why are you here?” Elle asked Dr. Ruth as she gave her a few more of her beloved cookies.

“Wait a minute,” I said, narrowing my eyes at Martha and Jane and recalling the upset in Murry the badass’ basement over the kidnapping of a Dr. Ruth. “Did you abduct this woman?”

“Let’s say we did, Monster Schlong,” Jane grunted. “Is that a problem for you?”

Shit. She had me there. Illegal activities were lauded in Hell. I gave bonuses for creativity.

“That depends,” I shot back.

“On what, Mammoth Shmackle?” Martha questioned.

Closing my eyes, I willed myself not to electrocute Martha and Jane. Since it would upset Lizard—my only employee at the moment—if his undead concubines were actually permanently dead, I refrained. “Depends on why Dr. Ruth is here,” I said, watching the tiny doctor eat her cookie.

“Vell,” Dr. Ruth said, snapping her fingers and producing a small chair she could sit on where her feet actually touched the ground. “From vhat I’ve been told by the famous singer-authors, Martha and Jane, you have a sexual problem. I’m a sexual therapist, and I’m here to help you. Just because your shmackle is large doesn’t mean you know vhat to do vith it. Everyone needs to get some. Vhile a big penis is great, the most important six inches are between your ears.”

“It’s much bigger than six inches,” I said, completely insulted.

“It is,” Jane confirmed as Martha gave me a thumbs up.

“Excuse me,” I said, risking my life and grabbing one of Elle’s cookies. When she didn’t behead me, I gave her a smile, turned to the back wall of the office and incinerated it.

“Vas that necessary?” Dr. Ruth asked.

“It was either the wall or your head. So yes,” I replied.

“Very vell,” Dr. Ruth said with a tight smile. “Let’s get right to it. Shall ve?”

“NO, we shall not,” I snapped and turned to Elle. “Did you tell Dumb and Dumber that we had a sex issue?”

“Is he referring to us?” Martha asked Jane.

“No, just you,” Jane assured her.

“I most certainly did not say we had a sexual issue,” Elle said, placing her hand on her heart so I was aware she wasn’t lying. “I did say I’d considered removing your shmackle with a dull butter knife. They may have misinterpreted that.”

“You think?” I yelled as my fingers began to spark with the need to blow the Dark Palace to smithereens. “And never call my dick a shmackle again. It will lose all functionality and then we will have a sexual issue.”

“My bad,” Elle said with a wide smile. “Will man-yam be okay?”

“No,” I said, trying to bite back my grin.

“Deedle-honk?” Elle tried again with a burst of laughter.

My grin won out and I shook my head. My Siren could get away with anything and I’d be fine with it. “Dick will work just fine.”

“Vell, I think penis is an excellent vord,” Dr. Ruth chimed in. “It’s medically accurate. And if you say it in the right tone, it’s very, very sexy. Try it. On three, everyone say penis.”

“Umm… we’re going to go with dick,” Elle said, still giggling. “And I assure you, we have no sexual issues whatsoever.”

“Vhatever vorks for you,” Dr. Ruth said, daintily wiping the cookie crumbs from her tiny mouth. “Vell, vhile I’m here, is there anything I can do for you?”

I considered asking about Elle’s lady time, but since I knew there was an end in sight, I decided against it.

“I think we’re good,” I said, looking to Elle for confirmation.

She nodded and took my hand in hers.

“However, I am curious,” I said to the tiny woman who was tucking her extra cookies into her handbag. “What are you?”

“You can’t tell, Devil?” she asked with a twinkle in her eye.

“If I could, I wouldn’t ask,” I replied, trying not to smile at the cute woman.

I failed.

“You know another of my kind,” she said with a wink. “I believe he has a restraining order against you.”

My gasp was audible. “You’re a Unicorn like Steve Perry?”

“I am,” she said with a nod of her head. “He’s invited me to be his companion at your birthday celebration on April 1st.”

“He’s coming?” I squealed, unable to control myself. I sounded like a teenage girl, but I didn’t care. Steve Perry was my hero. Journey was the greatest band of all time. Hopefully, Steve would tie one on and I could get close to him. The restraining order seriously cramped my style. I knew we would be best friends if the bastard would just give me a chance. I was fabulous. And yes, I was now aware that stalking him in his home, his place of work and in the tub was not nice. Occasionally, I learned from my mistakes.

I couldn’t wait until my womb evection day now. I just needed to make sure Darby, Dino and Dagwood got the Dark Palace looking spiffy. It would be appalling to have dust bunnies with Steve Perry in attendance.

I also needed to get to the bottom of who was trying to destroy my day. It was now more important than ever. There was a chance I could touch Steve Perry.

Shit. I hoped Steve Perry liked beans-n-franks.

Elle giggled and kissed my cheek. “He’s coming. You’re not allowed within a hundred feet of him, but Astrid pulled some favors and he’s definitely coming.”

“Excellent,” I said, reining it in so I didn’t sound like an idiot. “It shall make my special night even more special.”

“Vell, if that is it, I’ll see you this veekend,” Dr. Ruth stood to take her leave. “And congratulations.”

“Yes, yes, it’s wonderful news that Steve Perry is coming,” I said.

“It really is,” Elle said, squeezing my hand. “It will be the party to end all parties.”

I loved my woman so much it was insane.

Dr. Ruth looked at both Elle and me strangely for a moment then shrugged her tiny shoulders. “I can keep a secret,” she said with a giggle. “I von’t tell a soul.”

“Umm… okay,” Elle said with a perplexed smile. “It was lovely to see you again, Dr. Ruth.”

“You too, dear Elle. Say hello to your mother. I haven’t seen her in centuries.”

“She’ll be here soon,” I said as Elle turned to me in shocked delight.

“She will?” Elle asked as her eyes grew wide with joy.

I had no intention of telling the love of my evil life that her mother was coming to celebrate her lady time. That was dangerous territory. Everything was starting to go right. I wanted to keep my head—both of them.

“Indeed she will, lover. Your mother is coming for the party,” I said, tucking her wild blonde hair behind her ear. It was a half-truth. Sadie would be here for the party.

“April 1st is going to be the best day ever,” Elle said with a happy sigh as she yawned sleepily. “So darn tired all the time. I’m going to take a nap. Excuse me.”

With a kiss to my lips that made me yearn for more, and a goodbye hug for the three women, Elle wandered out of the office and went back to our connected suite to rest. Her lady time was kicking her lovely and shapely ass.

“Let her sleep,” Dr. Ruth advised, patting my hand. “During this special time, a voman can get very tired. She needs all the sleep she can get. Soon there vill be no rest for the veary!”

I was fairly sure she was implying that Elle and I would be sexually busy after her lady time was over. It was inappropriate, but correct. I decided not to smite her, because Elle seemed to care for her, and I didn’t think Steve Perry would like me if I beheaded his buddy.

“Are we done here?” I inquired as Martha and Jane went to gather up the left-over cookies and take them away.

“Yep, Giant Johnson, we are,” Martha said with a chuckle.

“Leave the cookies,” I instructed. “Elle might want them later.”

“Right,” Jane said with a grin. “Eat ‘em. We won’t tell.”

And I did. Right after they left, I inhaled the damn cookies.

They were delicious.

Today was looking up. I needed to find out if Murry the badass had found the culprit and then prepare for my meeting with Astrid. Not to mention, I needed to alert the media that Satan’s birthday was fast approaching. The world needed to be made aware of the recently discovered womb eviction day of the Dark Angel.

Honestly, April 1st was a brilliant birthday for the Devil. People wouldn’t know if it was a joke or not. Of course, it wasn’t a lark at all… the joke was on them.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Chapter Nine

“I’ve been busier than a cat covering up crap on a marble floor,” Murry the badass said, wiping the blood from an open wound on his head. “Not one of them sexy female Demons wrote that dang letter.”

“You’ve sniffed all of them?” I asked, annoyed that the perpetrator had not yet been found. Pacing the black rose garden on the front lawn of the Dark Palace, I racked my brain for other ways to suss out the culprit. I decided to have the conversation outside when I’d found twenty of my staff hiding from Mammy in the Grand Foyer closet. All of them were still sporting hair and wanted to keep it that way. Sending Mammy to the Basement of Hell was on the agenda of this meeting.

Now that I was aware my hero Steve Perry would be a guest, I needed my womb eviction celebration to be relatively violence free. Looking over my shoulder the entire time for someone trying to off me and ruin the soiree would fuck up my plan of trying to get Steve Perry to be my best friend. That was unacceptable.

“Yep, he sniffed ’em good,” Mammy said, snorting loudly and healing her son with some kind of magical, golden nostril air. “My Murry has been working harder than a one-legged cat in a litter box.”

I’d never witnessed anything like it. She circled the halfwit fruit of her loins while sniffing and snorting like she had something stuck in her nose. Dragons were a bizarre species. Not to mention, they clearly had a thing about feline bathroom habits.

“My boy Murry got the digits from twelve she-devils who tried to kill him dead. I’m right proud of my spawn,” Mammy announced with glee as she did a little jig that reminded me of Martha and Jane and made the bile in my stomach rise.

My gaze narrowed and I glared at the old woman. “Where’s your cane? How is it that you’re dancing?”

“Cane’s fer show,” Mammy said, glaring right back at me with smoke ominously wafting from her nose. “The jig is compliments of the talented Martha and Jane. I just love them gals. I’m gonna trim them for free later as a thank you.”

The woman was terrifying.

“You do that,” I said, thinking it wouldn’t take long since the old bats were practically bald to begin with. “Murry, a gift card to Red Lobster is on the line here. I expect you to come through.”

“Ya bet yer ass I will, Lord of Dark Shit,” Murry promised. “I can taste that buttery fish right now. I love me some Red Lobster. Thinkin’ bout invitin’ one of them she-devils to partake in the hushpuppies with me. Or mebbe I’ll take you, Lord of Dark Poop. We can go on All You Can Eat Shrimp Night and get blow-it-out-yer-ass-diarrhea together. Butter can do that do a guy. Ya feel me?”

“That’s…” I was at a loss as to how to reply without laughing or incinerating him. It was rare that someone amused me while I wanted to electrocute them at the same time. “That will happen when Hell freezes over, Murry. You feel me?”

“Ya bet yer evil ass I do,” Murry said as he laughed so hard, he fell over. “If ya change yer mind lemme know.”

The Dragon definitely had balance issues—physically and mentally. No one in their right mind offered to take the Devil out for a bout of buttery food poisoning. The man was a dolt. I couldn’t believe he’d lived as long as he had.

“Are all the female Demons in Hell right now?” Mammy asked a logical question I hadn’t considered.

“No,” I said, believing Mammy might be smarter than she let on. “I shall have Lizard remedy that immediately.”

“Gonna cost ya for that suggestion,” Mammy said with a grin that made my blood run cold.

“There’s a price for everything,” I replied flatly. “What do you want?”

Mammy pretended to be deep in thought as blood-red smoke wafted from her nose and her eyes. The tactic was wonderfully horrible. I’d have to try it. The woman was dastardly.

“I wanna be a general in yer Demon Army. Me and my Murry are the only two Dragons left. Ain’t no fun tryin’ to fit in with the humans. Every time I trim one, they die. Makes me feel just awful. Down here in Hell, no matter what I blow off of a sucker, it grows back. I feel free to be me here. And I want eternal protection fer my boy. He’s a god-danged dummy, but I love him. If something happens to me, I want ya to look after Murry. He might be a brain damaged mother humper, but he’s all I got.”

“Thanks, Mammy,” Murry said, blushing under her questionable praise.

“No worries, ya little shit,” Mammy said as she snorted out a golden smoke ring that completely healed her son and lifted him back to his feet. “A momma will do anything fer her child no matter how stupid he is.”

The price was steep. Mammy drove a hard bargain. If she was indeed Mammy the Assassin, she might be an asset to my Demon Army—as long as they didn’t all quit due to being de-haired. “If Murry finds the one who penned the letter, it’s a deal. However, if you trim even one of my warriors, the deal is off. You’ve already made the entire staff in the Dark Palace resign save the twenty I found in the closet.”

“They’re gay?” Mammy asked.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“Well, you said you found them in the closet. I was just asking for clarification,” she said.

Mammy was begging to be electrocuted. However, since I was unsure of her retaliation, I tamped it back.

“I have no clue if they’re gay, and I don’t care,” I snapped. “There is nothing wrong with being gay, and if you have a problem with that, you can march your homophobic ass right out of Hell right after I blast it off your body. Am I clear?” I eyed the woman with disdain. I didn’t give a flying fuck about what people liked to do in the bedroom. As long as they were loyal to me, liked to steal, lie and cheat, I was fine with them. My niece Tiara was gay and one of my favorite people—not that I would admit it. It wasn’t fitting for the Devil to show affection to anyone. She was delightfully violent, and her vocabulary was outstandingly profane. Anyone who smack talked her would die by my hand.

“Relax yer buttcrack,” Mammy cackled. “I was just askin’ cause I’m lesbianic. If there’s a good gay bar in Hell, I’d be right happy.”

“Is lesbianic even a word?” I asked, thinking the conversation couldn’t get any stranger.

“Yep,” Mammy said.

“It is not a word,” I snapped.

“Look it up, jackass,” Mammy challenged.

Pulling out my phone, I paused and eyed the crazy old Dragon. “If it’s not a word, I get to fry your ass.”

Mammy grinned at me, and her eyes lit up with delight. “And if it is a word, I get to trim you.”

Shit. While I was almost certain lesbianic wasn’t a word, I didn’t have time to be trimmed if I was wrong. Convincing Steve Perry to be my best friend while hairless didn’t sound like a good plan. I would not call Mammy’s bluff. The woman was positively diabolical. As long as my Demon Army didn’t go AWOL with Mammy in their ranks, she would be an excellent addition.

“I have no time for games right now,” I hissed as Mammy grinned from ear to ear. “Get back to work on sniffing the females. I’ll let Lizard know to call back the ones roaming Earth.”

“Yes sir, Lord of Dark Junk,” Murry said with a deep bow that sent him face first into the grass.

I hadn’t sent Mammy to the Basement. Something told me she’d be more helpful on the main level of Hell. My gut had been leading me astray as of late, but I was going with it right now. With the fate of my party on the line, I felt I had no choice. Per the letter, Elle would be empty-handed—which meant no cake for my lover. That was even more unacceptable than Steve Perry spotting a dust bunny in the Dark Palace.

The love of my evil life would never have empty hands as long as I had anything to say about it. And no female Demon was going to make that come to fruition.

Elle’s happiness was my mission in life. She was my life.

It would be over my dead body that someone would screw with that.

* * *

Lizard wound up and destroyed a priceless crystal wall sconce with a swing of his damned bat. “Can’t believe I didn’t think of that,” he roared as he went for an irreplaceable onyx statue of an orgy. “That Mammy is good.”

“Yes,” I said, grabbing the bat before I had to decapitate him for property damage. “She is, and in exchange for her suggestion, she wants to be a general in the Demon Army.”

That rendered Lizard silent for a moment. He smacked loudly on his gum as he considered the ramifications of Mammy in the ranks.

“The army will be bald,” Lizard pointed out, lovingly touching his scruffy facial hair. “Not sure that’s gonna go over well.”

“The deal is off if she de-hairs even one of my warriors,” I explained, running my hands through my own hair and wondering if I’d made a grave mistake with Mammy.

My hair was as outstanding as was the rest of me. Whatever. I’d simply decapitate the old woman if she went for one single strand on my head.

“Per my orders, all the female Demons are due back in Hell by this afternoon. Anyone who doesn’t follow orders shall be banned from Hell and hunted down. Am I clear?”

“You are, my liege. I’ll make that shit happen,” Lizard said. “What about your daughters?”

I paled a bit just thinking about the seven thorns in my ass. “What about them?”

“Are we calling them back to Hell?”

I thought about it then shook my head. “Does the gum ever fail?” I inquired. If it was foolproof, then we’d already determined the innocence of my unpleasant spawn—well, at least as far as destroying my party went. Hell only knew they were guilty of a myriad of other offenses.

“Gum never fails,” Lizard assured me, chomping away with a grin.

“Then no. We do not need to retrieve them to be sniffed by Murry. Plus, they’d probably kill him,” I added.

Lizard nodded and shuddered. No one liked my offspring.

“What about Dixie?” Lizard asked, speaking of my eighth daughter.

“I can assure you Dixie is not involved in any way,” I said. “She’s the only good one I’ve got.”

“Couldn’t agree more, Sire,” Lizard agreed. “Nicest Demon in the Universe.”

“Yes,” I said with a shrug. “I do wish she was a little eviler, but one can’t have everything. However, her sisters more than make up for it. None of my children need to be sniffed.”

“Probably a good thing considering the Seven Deadly Sins are incarcerated in Paris for grand larceny and lewd behavior,” Lizard informed me with a chuckle.

It was lovely that someone found their antics amusing. I did not.

“What a surprise,” I said with an eye roll.

“You want ‘em bailed out for the party?” he inquired.

It was a conundrum. I really didn’t want them here, but it might look bad to Steve Perry if my evil offspring weren’t present. Although, they had kidnapped him for my Christmas gift a few years back. Wait. I could make them apologize and grovel on their knees before my hero. I would earn points and he would have to be my best fucking friend. The plan was slightly risky since my daughters were such a murderous bunch but threatening to cut them off completely should do the trick.

“Yes,” I said, smiling at my sneaky brilliance. “Bail them out right before the party and transport them back to Hell. Let them know I’m furious with their behavior and have a severe punishment in mind… unless they want to cut a deal.”

“You wanna be more specific?” Lizard asked, grinning.

“No, I do not,” I said, grinning back. “Suffice it to say if all goes according to plan, they might get into my good graces for the first time in their very long lives.”

“Good deal,” Lizard said, adjusting his charred and blood-stained beret. “I’ll get right on it.”

“Lizard, would you be offended if I decapitated you?” I questioned out of curiosity.

“Nope.”

“Electrocuted you?” I asked.

“Nope.”

“Set you on fire?”

“Nope.”

“Suggested you change your clothes?” I pressed.

“Yep,” he answered.

Shit. “And may I ask why?”

“Sure, my liege,” Lizard answered, puffing out his chest and cupping his nuts with pride. “This is the outfit that drives my women wild. I plan to wear it until it rots off my body.”

“That’s certainly appetizing,” I muttered to myself then nodded curtly to my loyal and disgustingly clad Demon. “Get to work. We have no time to lose.”

“As you wish,” Lizard said before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

I was able to cross several items off my list. Sadly, getting Lizard to change his tracksuit wasn’t one of them. There was still no Demon in custody, but that would be solved. I could feel it in my evil bones. April 1st would be a day no one would ever forget. I would make sure of it.

Chapter Ten

“Why does your office smell like ass?” Astrid inquired, sniffing the air with a sour expression on her lovely face.

Dino, Darby and Dagwood sucked at cleaning. If they were standing in front of me, I’d electrocute them and send them to Mammy for a trim. My quarters still reeked of beans-n-franks. “Elle’s breakfast,” I told her.

“For real?” she asked with a wince.

“For real,” I replied, wincing with her.

“Sorry about that,” Astrid said with a lopsided grin.

“Condolences accepted,” I replied, snapping my fingers and lighting every scented candle in the large room. “Let’s get to it.”

“Alrighty then, planning this party has been a massive pain in my ass,” Astrid griped as she flopped down on the black leather couch and eyed me with admirable rudeness.

Most would be punished for such behavior. From Astrid, it simply warmed my black heart. Her bad attitude was delightful.

“Lovely to see you too,” I said with a chuckle. “Have you procured my gift yet?”

Her smile grew wide and made me alarmingly uncomfortable. “Yes. I’m giving you my love, Uncle Fucker,” she informed me with an evil giggle. “You’ve already stolen it and definitely don’t deserve it.”

“You want me to have hives for my soiree?” I asked with a raised brow that didn’t alarm her at all. The Vampyre was excellent at annoying me. Although, I secretly enjoyed her ridiculous and misplaced shows of affection.

“Yep,” she said.

“You win.”

“There’s a first time for everything,” Astrid muttered with a laugh, paging through her black leather-bound notebook and getting down to business. “Everyone has sent back the RSVP and all five hundred are coming. You’ll need to cast a spell so the Vampyres in attendance will be safe in Hell.”

“You invited Vampyres?” I asked with a groan as I eyed the notebook with envy. I hoped she left it. If not, I’d simply steal it. It would look lovely on my desk.

“I’m a Vampyre, dickwad,” she snapped. “Ethan is coming and a bunch of other high falootin’ Vamps. So cast the spell or I won’t show up and you’ll be screwed.”

“Done,” I said, enjoying her ire. I was certain she wasn’t going to try to decapitate me, so it made the ribbing fun. “And I think it’s outstanding you convinced Steve Perry to attend.”

“What the ever-lovin’ Hell?” she shouted. “That was supposed to be a surprise. How did you know? Did Mother Nature let the cat out of the bag? Did one of the idiot Seven Sins tell you?”

“No,” I said, grinning at her anger. “My mother is too concerned about splitting the crotch of her pants. And from what I understand, the Sins have been jailed in Paris for robbing the city blind. It’s been blissfully serene around here without them—other than Elle still wanting to behead me.”

“I’m tempted to ask for more of the Mother Nature story,” Astrid said.

“Don’t.”

“Roger that,” she replied with an amused shake of her head. She handed me the RSVP list and the menu. “So, Elle’s still on the rag?”

“Yes, but according to her mother, it only lasts a week and shall come to an end on the morning of April 1st. She’ll be saying goodbye to Aunt Flow on my womb eviction day. The timing could not be better.”

“Cool,” she said. “Can your chefs be on call for the party?”

Shit. “Umm… no. Can you bring yours?”

“Are you trying to be a jackass, or does it simply come naturally?” she snapped and lifted her middle finger. “Vampyre here. I don’t fucking eat. I drink blood. We have no mother humpin’ chefs.”

“Right,” I muttered. “My bad. We have a little situation in Hell at the moment. I’ve hired a Dragon for her prowess with beans-n-franks because Elle loves them. The Dragon has a fetish that made the entire cooking staff of the Dark Palace resign.”

“Wanna be more specific?” Astrid asked, squinting at me.

“She likes to trim people.”

Astrid rolled her eyes again and checked her watch. “Dude, what is trim code for? I don’t have all day, and if I’m going to have to have this party catered from Earth, I need to know now. Define trim.”

“Mammy has a hair obsession,” I said with a slight gag. “She’s hellbent on de-hairing the Universe.”

“You’re shitting me.”

“I shit you not,” I assured her. “She blew the arms right off my assistant trying to trim his pit hair.”

I watched as my niece warred with herself not to laugh. She lost.

“First of all, I didn’t even know Dragons existed,” she began, still laughing. “Second, I’d highly suggest Mammy skip the soiree. That could be a shitshow waiting to happen. Vamps are serious about their hair.”

“Fine point. Well made,” I said. “Mammy will not be invited.”

“Great. And what kind of name is Mammy anyway?”

“No clue,” I replied with a shrug. “Her son is called Murry the badass. He’s been sniffing all the females in Hell.”

“There is so much wrong with that last sentence I don’t even know where to begin,” Astrid said, giving me a look. “Why is the bizarrely named Murry the badass sniffing all the female Demons in Hell?”

“Because one of them is trying to destroy my womb explosion day,” I hissed, running my hand through my hair in frustration.

“Eviction,” Astrid corrected me.

“That’s what I said.”

“Nope. You said explosion,” she said.

“Well, that would be a mess,” I muttered.

“Yep,” Astrid agreed. “The party is at eight. Five hundred will be in attendance. Will the Sins be done with their jail stint in Paris?”

“Yes.”

“That sucks,” Astrid said with a shudder. “Those girls are a hot mess. Not to mention, several of them tried to kill me.”

“It happens,” I said shrugging. “I spoiled them rotten, and they turned out dreadfully.”

“Where are their mothers?” Astrid inquired.

“Not a clue. I was unaware they were even pregnant until they dropped the little monsters on the doorstep of the palace.”

“That’s kind of weird. Did you have relationships with any of them?” she asked perplexed.

“I did not,” I replied. “Until Elle, I didn’t even know the meaning of the word. They were pleasurable dalliances that ended with me being stuck with the awful nightmares.”

“Mmmkay,” Astrid said, tucking the notebook into her Prada bag. “On that lovely note, I’m outta here. I’ll hire caterers. Fairies are good cooks according to Gemma. I’ll see if she can have her royal staff come down from Zanthia.”

“Astrid, is that you?” Elle called out from our bedroom.

“Yep,” Astrid yelled back. “I’m just leaving.”

“Hang on a sec,” Elle said. “I’ve grown out of a few things, and I think you would love them. They’ve gotten too tight in the waist and the bust. I’ve got to stop eating so many damn cookies.”

“Prada?” Astrid asked as her ears perked up.

Vamps were clothes whores. Well, Demons were too.

“Some Prada, Channel and a few Stella McCartney’s. You interested?” Elle asked.

“You had me at Prada,” Astrid said with a laugh as she sat back down and wiggled with excitement.

Elle entered the office with a pile of designer wear and plopped it at Astrid’s feet. I expected Astrid to scream with joy. She was such a materialistic Vampyre—it was one of her qualities I adored.

But no. She simply stared at Elle with her mouth wide open.

“Are you okay?” Elle asked with concern as Astrid continued to gape at her.

“Are you?” Astrid whispered, staring straight at Elle’s stomach.

While I had to admit Elle’s stomach had grown larger since her obscenely enormous breakfast of beans-n-franks, I found my niece’s behavior appalling in a way that wasn’t amusing in the least. Elle was still gorgeous even though she clearly had an eating problem. On April 1st the hangry issue would be moot. Astrid did not need to draw attention to the fact that Elle’s lady time had extended her belly.

“I’m fine,” Elle said.

“Are you sure?” Astrid pressed.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Elle inquired as her lavender eyes began to flash.

Shit. Heads were about to fly. Literally.

“Umm… well…” Astrid stuttered, looking to me for help.

I wasn’t about to help her. I was casing the office for somewhere to hide. My niece was about to lose body parts.

“Spit it out,” Elle snapped, beginning to cry. “I know I’m fat.”

Astrid smiled at Elle then stood to wipe the tears rolling down her cheeks. “And you don’t know why?”

“For the love of everything that doesn’t need to be discussed,” I shouted, having enough of my lover being upset. “Elle is having her lady time. You already know this, Astrid. There is no reason to point it out. It will be over on my womb eviction day. Her mother told my mother that her time shall only last a week and will be over early in the morning of April 1st. If you insist on making my lover cry, I’ll give you something to cry about for the rest of eternity. Am I clear?”

“Wait. What?” Elle asked, glancing over at me in confusion.

“Darling,” I said, warily approaching her. “I’m fully aware that you’re having your monthly lady time. Your homicidal tendencies and manly appetite are quite normal according to my mother. As is the weight gain—which I find insanely sexy, by the way,” I finished, giving Astrid a look to kill.

“I’m not having my period,” Elle said.

I paled considerably and grabbed the edge of my desk for purchase. It was the absolute truth that I found her rounder body ridiculously desirable, but the need for stabbing? No. That was horrifying. If this was to become our normal, I would need to remove all sharp objects from the palace.

“You’re not?” I whispered.

“No,” Elle said as her eyes narrowed dangerously, and purple sparks popped and crackled around her body. “Why would you think that?”

It was my turn to look to Astrid for help. “Umm…”

“Both of you idiots need to sit down,” Astrid said with a sigh as she gently seated Elle on the couch and shoved me down next to her.

I really hoped Elle wasn’t armed.

“You’re pregnant,” Astrid announced.

“I am?” Elle asked, shocked.

“We are?” I echoed her.

Elle jumped to her feet and began to pace the office in a panic. I joined her.

“How did you not know?” Astrid asked as she made herself comfortable on the couch we’d just abandoned and watched us with what I could only call amusement.

“How would I know?” Elle shrieked, pulling a cookie from her pocket and shoving it in her mouth. “Until I banged Lucifer, I accidentally killed all the men I had sex with. I’m a Siren. I hadn’t had sex in thousands of years. I’ve never had a baby before.”

“Didn’t you feel anything moving in your stomach?” Astrid inquired carefully.

“I thought it was gas,” Elle yelled. “I’ve eaten a lot of beans-n-franks.”

“Okay,” Astrid said, biting back her grin. “Makes sense. Let’s talk through this. Cool?”

“Cool,” Elle gasped out, scanning the office in alarm. “Where did the rest of the cookies go?”

“I ate them,” I choked out, ready to dive for cover. I was still trying to absorb what Astrid had said. I needed my head on my shoulders to be able to think. Decapitation would be counterproductive.

“Please stab yourself, Lucifer,” Elle requested.

“My pleasure,” I replied, complying quickly. Grabbing a letter opener, I plunged it into my stomach. It was far less painful than a sword. Win-win.

“Astrid,” I said, grabbing a pair of scissors to be ahead of the game in case the letter opener wasn’t sufficient. “Are you sure about this?”

Astrid was enjoying herself far too much for my sanity. “Positive. Elle,” she said, intercepting my lover and pulling her back down onto the couch. “You’re Fate. You see the future. How did you not see this?”

“I can’t see my future—only the fate of others,” she shouted then started to cry again. “Oh my Hell, I’ve harmed our baby! I’ve eaten sugar and beans for a week straight. This child will have rotten teeth, gas, and brain damage.”

“Slow down,” Astrid said with a laugh. “First of all, babies are born without teeth.”

“They are?” Elle asked with relief. “I’ve never actually been around a real baby.”

“Umm… yes,” Astrid assured her. “And the baby will be fine.”

“For the love of everything illegal,” I roared as the reality of the miracle hit me. “I have to steal baby items immediately. Our toothless child shall be born on my womb eviction day. We have nothing ready. Astrid, cancel the party. According to Elle’s mother, her time—which I incorrectly thought meant a visit from Aunt Fucking Flow—is only a week. Elle will be busy evicting our child from her uterus on the morning of my special day. There is no way I’ll have the time to blackmail Steve Perry into being my best friend. I do know it’s shocking to admit… but my child is more important than Steve Perry.”

“Thank God for that,” Astrid muttered with an eye roll.

“My brother had absolutely nothing to do with this,” I snapped, texting Lizard and letting him know to send out the Demon Army to ransack all the baby supply stores on Earth. “I’m the one who knocked up my lover. God would never get that lucky.”

“Mmmkay,” Astrid said with a laugh. “I’ll cancel the party.”

“No. Wait,” Elle said as she hopped back up, ran to the office supply closet and pulled out a hidden stash of cookies. “Let me get this straight. A Siren is only pregnant for a week, and I’ll have our baby in the morning?”

“According to your mother, yes,” I said. “Of course, the information came from your mother through my mother who was on a rampage about her crotch. I should probably double check the validity of the facts.”

“What’s wrong with your mother’s crotch?” Elle asked with a wince as she offered me a cookie.

“I’d rather avoid speaking of my mother’s crotch,” I said, reaching for a cookie then pausing. “Will I have to stab myself if I take the cookie?” I inquired.

“Yes,” Elle confirmed.

“Will do,” I said, taking the cookie and plunging the scissors into my thigh.

“Thank you,” Elle said, giving me a look filled with so much adoration I felt like I owned the world.

“No worries,” I said, grabbing a dagger from my desk and stabbing my shoulder just to see her smile again.

My lover did not disappoint.

“Before Uncle Fucker passes out from blood loss, we should make a solid plan here,” Astrid announced, confiscating all of the office supplies on my desk that could be used as weapons. “Is there a midwife in Hell?”

“What’s a midwife?” I asked, quickly texting Lizard again to kidnap a slew of midwives.

“It’s a person who will help Elle through the birth.”

“I can do that,” I informed my niece.

“Nope,” Astrid said. “Bad idea.”

“But I’m the best at everything,” I announced with great pride. Babies were small. How hard could it be?

“Except humility,” she muttered. “Have you ever delivered a baby, Uncle Idiot?”

She had me there. “Not that I recall.”

“Exactly,” Astrid said flatly. “We need a midwife.”

“Fine. I will get a hundred midwives,” I said, texting Lizard like a madman.

“Can you tell if it’s a boy or a girl?” Elle asked with a mouth full of cookie, still looking frantic about the turn of events.

“Nope,” Astrid said, patting Elle’s stomach lovingly. “But it seems to me that Uncle Fucker’s swimmers produce girls.”

“I find that offensive,” I snapped.

“Truth hurts, buttwad,” Astrid said with a laugh.

My niece probably had a point. As long as my little girl looked like Elle all would be right with the world, but…

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, putting together the pieces of my mother’s ramblings.

The conversation with my mother had been about two different things entirely. Served me right for not being able to say the word menstruation. All of this could have been solved days earlier. Shit.

“How do you know?” Elle asked, bouncing up and down on the couch with excitement.

“My mother,” I said. “In between her waxing poetic about poisoning competitors with cupcakes and complimenting my balls, I thought I was asking advice on how to handle your lady time, and she was clearly talking about our pregnancy. She mentioned that the name Gaia was a good name even for a boy.”

“I followed none of that,” Astrid said.

“Doesn’t matter,” I said, kneeling in front of the love of my life. “You are carrying the heir to Hell in your beautiful, perfect belly. I didn’t think it was possible to love you more than I did five minutes ago, but I do. You are my goddess.”

Elle’s tears flowed freely as she placed her hands on either side of my face. “I love you so much, you beautiful deceitful man,” she blubbered. “But I will remove your shmackle with my bare hands if you don’t get up in the middle of the night to change diapers.”

“You have my word,” I assured her, placing my hand over my heart. I wasn’t even going to mention the fact that she’d called my dick a shmackle. We’d deal with that another time.

“Tell him that after you nurse, he has to walk Lucifer Jr. back to sleep,” Astrid suggested.

“What’s nurse?” Elle asked, confused.

“I’ll explain later,” Astrid promised. “Just follow my lead.”

“Got it,” Elle said with a giggle through her tears. “Lucifer, you have to do what Astrid just said.”

I raised my brow at my niece, but actually liked the idea of bonding with my son. I would teach him all sorts of profane words and all the lyrics to every Journey song ever written.

“It’s a deal,” I said. “Anything else?”

“Astrid?” Elle questioned.

“Tell him we’re leaving it open-ended,” Astrid said with a grin.

“I can hear you,” I informed my niece.

“Yep, I know,” she replied. “This is seriously fun.”

“Define fun,” I said with an eye roll before turning back to Elle. “Lover, I think we should cancel the party. The womb eviction day of our son should be all about you. Not me.”

“What the Hell is happening?” Astrid muttered with amusement. “Is the Devil becoming unselfish?”

“Only for one person,” Elle said, pressing her lips to mine. “Me.”

“And Lucifer Jr.,” Astrid said as she stood to leave. “So, the party is off?”

“Yes,” I said.

“No,” Elle insisted. “The party is on. Our son will be born in the morning. I should be fine by the evening. Right, Astrid?”

“Umm…” Astrid said, looking doubtful. “Not sure about that.”

Elle rubbed her belly with delight and either ignored or didn’t hear Astrid in her excitement. “We will have the party. It shall be a double celebration of the two men I love the most—Lucifer and his son… Luke.”

“Luke?” I asked, liking the feel of the name on my tongue.

“Well, actually Lucifer Jr., but Luke for short so there are no mix-ups,” Elle said as she started to cry again.

Cradling her stomach gently in her hands, Elle glanced up and me, and I felt as if I’d been gut-punched with magic that warmed me all over. The wind rushed out of my body and I tingled from head to toe. It was an odd sensation… and I think I liked it.

Was this what happiness felt like? True happiness?

I definitely liked it. Not that I would share the appalling news.

I did have a badass father reputation to maintain.

Chapter Eleven

“Murry, how badly do you want that gift card to Red Lobster?” I growled as he stood in front of my desk and appeared confused by the question.

Lizard and my army had been busy. The entire third floor of the Dark Palace was stocked with every baby supply imaginable. I had no clue what any of it was used for, but that didn’t matter. The heaping mass was colorful and stolen—just as it should be.

Unsure if it was sufficient, I commanded my army to take a second pass and hit every toy store in the Universe. The heir of Hell would have everything his little evil heart desired.

Now I just needed to make sure our joint womb eviction day celebration would go off without a hitch. It would seriously piss me off if someone tried to kill me on my big day.

“Umm…” Murry said, pursing his mouth in thought. “Is there a right answer, Lord of Dark Junk?”

“Yes,” I shouted as my office began to fill with the most unsavory denizens of Hell at the moment. “There is a right answer.”

“Just heard the great fuckin’ news, Giant Johnson,” Martha said as she and Jane waddled into the room wearing pornographic nurse’s uniforms. “We’re here to help Elle blow a watermelon out of a hole the size of a walnut.”

“No, you are not,” I snapped. “You will go nowhere near my lover’s walnut.”

Letting my head drop to my hands, I couldn’t believe the words that had just left my lips. Martha and Jane were destroying Hell… and that was tremendously difficult to do.

“Can’t find an Immortal midwife who will come to Hell,” Lizard said in a frantic tone as he followed his concubines into my office.

“That’s absurd,” I said. “What do Demons normally do when they have a child?”

“My mom went into a field and squatted,” Dino said as he, Darby and Dagwood joined the ever-growing catastrophe littering my office.

“I’m feeling the need to electrocute all of you,” I said calmly as Mammy entered the office.

“Are we havin’ a party?” Mammy asked. “Trims are on the house!”

Setting my desk ablaze, I let the flames consume me. The fire was wonderful and necessary if I was to refrain from committing mass murder.

“There is no party, Mammy. You will trim no one. Am I clear?” I informed her as the flames abated. “Here’s what I need. I need Murry to find the damned Demon who is trying to ruin my womb eviction celebration so I can incinerate her ASAP. My son’s womb explosion day is the same as mine, therefore it will be perfect.”

“You mean eviction,” Lizard corrected me.

“That’s what I said.”

“Nope, Monster Shmackle, you said explosion,” Jane volunteered.

Hell, I hoped it wasn’t an explosion.

“Whatever. I need my kitchen staff back so that I don’t owe the Fairies a favor. I don’t even like Fairies.”

“Hang on a second, Lord of Dark Feces,” Mammy shouted as putrid green smoke wafted from her nose and ears. “Was that a crack at my lesbianic status?”

I couldn’t help myself. I zapped the shit out of her. She barely reacted—just sucked the flames up into her smoldering nostrils and continued to glare at me. The woman defined insanity and clearly had a high threshold for pain. The blast should have set her ablaze.

“I meant Fairies as in the sons of bitches with wings who live in Zanthia,” I said, considering zapping her again to see how much she could take. “Didn’t that hurt?”

“Nah,” Mammy said with a grunt of laughter. “That was a pussy shot.”

“Are you serious?” I demanded.

“Totally,” she said. “And by the way, I’m a midwife.”

“Nope,” I shot back quickly. The heinous possibilities of Mammy trimming my son or my mate during the eviction process were unacceptable. “Not going to happen.”

“Might not have a choice,” Lizard said, chewing his gum a mile a minute. “Only found three Immortal midwives—a Vamp, a Fairy and a Gnome. Apparently, you banged all of them a few centuries ago and they hate your guts.”

“Everyone hates my guts. I’m fucking Satan.”

The room went silent as did I. All were smart enough to ignore I’d just announced, once again, that I could fornicate with myself. I really wished someone had spoken up. I was desperately in the mood for a decapitation.

“I meant I’m the fucking Satan, and I’ve never banged a Gnome in my life,” I shouted as black flames flew from my fingertips, and I turned my favorite pilfered three-hole punch to ash.

“In your defense, she did say you were wasted,” Lizard told me.

My man-whore ways were long over, but they still had an unfortunate way of biting me in the ass. Thank all of Hell that Elle wasn’t present. The conversation would not end well if she heard it. We were violently possessive of each other, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Before I kill everyone, I’d like to say a few words,” I forced out through gritted teeth in a tone that made everyone cower. “Murry the not so badass has sniffed every female Demon in Hell and come up empty. That is unacceptable. Someone wrote that letter, and she will be found.”

“Understood, Lord of Dark Crap,” Murry whispered, shaking like a leaf. “I’m gonna find her.”

Murry could live for the time being.

“Martha and Jane, if you ever wear those outfits again, I will send you to the Basement of Hell and fry you for eternity.”

“Are they too sexy for you to handle, Colossal Peen?” Martha asked in all seriousness. “We could wear bigger pasties.”

“Don’t listen to her,” Jane said, whacking Martha in the head. “She meant to say next time we’ll dress as doctors with assless lab coats. No more sexy nurses, Big Wang. Promise.”

The future of Martha and Jane’s lives was questionable.

Shaking my head, I continued. “Dino, Darby and Dagwood, your cleaning skills are dismal. Astrid said my office smelled like ass. If you don’t remedy that, I will light your assholes on fire this time. You feel me?”

“Yes, Sire,” Dino said with a salute. “I thought it smelled bad in here, but figured it was Dagwood.”

“Or your upper lip,” Dagwood grunted, diving at Dino and punching him viciously in the head.

My Demons could still breathe oxygen until the palace was sparkling. After that, it was up in the air.

Ignoring the bloodshed, I went on and narrowed my eyes at Mammy. “Mammy, the thought of you trimming my son bald during his uterus eviction is enough to make me want to smite you right now.”

Lizard raised his hand and cleared his throat.

“Is this pertinent, Lizard?” I asked, ready to blow a gasket.

“Yes.”

“Out with it,” I said, checking my watch and wondering what else I needed to steal for my son.

“Babies are generally born bald,” Lizard informed me.

“They are?” I asked, thinking I should probably keep Lizard around for a while after Luke arrived. His fount of useless knowledge might come in handy. He might even know how to use some of the stolen baby paraphernalia. Lizard’s life was safe for the moment.

“They are, my liege,” Lizard confirmed as every dumbass in the room nodded their agreement.

“Interesting,” I said, thinking the prospect of Mammy serving as midwife through. “Do they have eyebrows and eyelashes?”

“Forgot about that,” Lizard said.

“Then Mammy as the midwife is out of the question,” I said triumphantly. However, Mammy could live. If all else failed, I’d keep Mammy as a last resort backup. “You will have to find another midwife.”

“As you wish,” Lizard said, looking doubtful. “I’ll do my best.”

“You will do better than your best,” I informed him. “Go at once and find a damn midwife. I don’t care what you have to do to get one. The reward will be high for both you and the Immortal who helps bring the Son of Satan into the world.”

“On it,” Lizard said, choking up on his bat and smashing my priceless collection of Fabergé eggs. “I’ll find you a midwife if it’s the last thing I do.”

“If you destroy anything else in my office, that will be the last thing you’ll ever do,” I hissed.

“Sorry. My bad,” Lizard said, trying to pick up the tiny shattered pieces of the irreplaceable eggs. “I can glue ‘em back together.”

While the thought was appreciated, the outcome would be ridiculous. “No, just find a midwife. NOW.”

“Roger that, Sire,” Lizard said with a salute as he vanished in a cloud of black smoke.

“As for the rest of you,” I said, eyeing the motley crew. “Get back to work. Mammy, you shall make another crock of beans-n-franks for Elle. She still craves them much to the dismay of my olfactory senses. Martha and Jane, you will put on some clothes that do not reveal your sagging privates and get to work on amusing my lover until the birth of our son.”

“Not to worry, Big Boner,” Martha said. “We have a few more chapters of your new book to read to her.”

“We added a lot of verbs so it’s better now,” Jane added.

“I’m sure it is,” I said dryly as the two Vamps scurried from the room. “Dino, Darby and Dagwood, convince the staff to come out of the closet and help you clean. You can tell them Mammy is on a trim break, and their scalps and nether regions are safe. The Dark Palace must be pristine for the arrival of my son and the celebration.”

“Yes, my Dark Lord,” the idiots said and exited quickly.

“I’m still tryin’ to figure out the answer to that there question ya asked me about the fine dining establishment, Red Lobster,” Murry said, scratching his mullet.

Instead of removing the appendages from his body, I sighed. “The answer is irrelevant. You will re-sniff all the female Demons in Hell. One of them is guilty and shall pay. Do you need to smell the letter again?” I inquired, pulling it from the top drawer of my desk.

“Sure,” Murry said. “You want me to read it too?”

“You can read?” Mammy asked, shocked.

“Yep,” Murry said with a wide grin. “Lord of Dark Shit fixed me up good.”

Mammy stared at me with such intensity, I prepared to zap the shit out of her again. I wasn’t sure if she was pissed or delighted about Murry being able to read. I could care less either way, but if she went for me, she was a dead Dragon. I would find someone else to make the damn beans-n-franks for Elle.

“I owe you,” she said quietly, still staring holes into me. “I owe you big time, Devil.”

“Define owe,” I snapped, wanting to make sure she wasn’t going to jump out of a closet and trim me bald.

“I owe ya my life,” she said, sounding old and weary yet humbled. “I’ve tried to teach my boy to read for thousands of years. Never took. You’ve given him the gift of Harry Potter and Fifty Shades of Grey. There ain’t no way to thank ya for such an offering. I’d offer a free trim, but don’t think you’d take me up on it.”

“That would be correct,” I replied.

“You’ll see,” she said with a smile pulling at her lips. “Once ya have yer own boy, you’ll do anything for him. I owe ya my life.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit dramatic?” I questioned.

“Nope,” Mammy said with a chuckle. “You’ll see.”

It was time to end the conversation before Mammy removed her own head to make good on her promise of gratitude. Murry sniffed the letter and read it aloud to the amazement of his mother. They left my office hand in hand with Mammy promising to buy her son a library of romance novels and comic books.

For a brief moment, I felt pride about giving Murry the ability to read. I pushed the weak and sentimental emotion away immediately. Niceties were for my brother to perform. I should probably have Mammy and Murry sign an NDA and electrocute them if they shared my good deed. Quickly adding that to my never-ending to-do list, I smiled.

I was going to be the father of a son.

Life had never been better.

Chapter Twelve

My office was now a damned jungle complete with exotic wildlife. I’d already incinerated six parrots that had crapped on my leather couch. The timing sucked since Dino, Darby and Dagwood had finally gotten the stench of beans-n-franks out of the suite. The clean-up from the parrot shit, foliage, boulders and mounds of dirt would take a week. Of course, the one of a kind onyx flooring would have to be replaced since enormous palm trees had burst right through the marble and destroyed it.

My mother was a fucking menace. Her visits cost me millions in repairs.

“Incoming,” Mother Nature shouted from an opening in the roof caused by the peak of a mountain that sat where my desk used to reside.

A solid gold stripper pole appeared in the middle of the chaos, and my mother came sliding down it in all her glory. About a third of the way in she lost her balance, fell off the pole, and crashed to the ground with a thud and a blood curdling scream. Standing up and pretending she had meant to do that, she smiled and curtsied.

I said nothing.

I was smart.

“Darling, what are you wearing?” she asked, eyeing me curiously.

“I could ask you the same question,” I replied, wiggling my fingers and conjuring up a pair of sunglasses. My mother wore an outfit—for lack of a better word—made purely of crystal. When it caught the sunlight streaming through the massive hole in the roof, it was positively blinding.

“Oh, this little thing?” she said as she twirled and preened. “Just something I had made for the party. I have to wear it until the evening of the soiree. Damn thing is glued on. You do realize the celebration is in my honor as well since I gave birth to you.”

“You don’t even remember the date,” I shot back.

“Yes, well, since we’re all older than dirt, I think you should cut your mother a little slack,” she snapped as her wild red curls began to blow around her head signaling a natural disaster was imminent.

As if she hadn’t already caused enough structural damage…

“You look umm… lovely,” I lied, hoping she wasn’t planning on performing at the soiree. Positive Steve Perry would not be my BFF if he saw my mother dance, I wanted to avoid the debacle if at all possible.

“I know. I’m exquisite!” she said with a shimmy that made her sparkle like the Milky Way on crack. “So, tell me what the strappy thing is that you’re wearing. Is it something new and hip that I’m unaware of?”

“If you must know,” I said, feeling every kind of superior. “It’s a papoose baby carrier… for my son.”

“So exciting,” she squealed as a few monkeys dropped out of the palm trees and did a spastic jig at her feet. “Where does the baby go?”

Looking down at the contraption that had taken me an hour to put on, I realized I had no clue where to put the baby. All I could see was a plethora of navy-blue tangled straps.

“I shall read the directions and figure it out,” I assured my mother.

That would be impossible since I’d burned the fucking directions to ash after the first forty-five minutes of trying to figure them out. No matter. The fact that I wore it at all was enough.

“Sadie will be here momentarily,” my mother told me. “She’s just beside herself with joy. Where’s Elle?”

“Napping,” I said, glancing over to the bedroom in alarm. My sigh of relief was audible when I realized the jungle had only shown up in my office and not the rest of the suite. If my mother’s crapping parrots disturbed my lover, I’d have Mammy cook the flock for lunch.

“Lucifer?” Elle called out sleepily. “What’s going on? There’s a monkey staring at me.”

“My mother is here,” I yelled back. “Your mother is on her way. Would you like me to smite the monkey?”

“No, he’s cute. I think I’ll keep him for our son. Pets are important.”

Closing my eyes and pressing the bridge of my nose, I tried to figure out how to tell my lover no. I’d give her the world on a stolen silver platter, but I drew the line at furry little bastards who enjoyed flinging feces.

“We have Hell Hounds darling,” I said, hoping that would solve the pet issue.

“I want a monkey,” Elle pouted as my mother clasped her hands together and grinned from ear to ear.

“You will pay dearly for this,” I threatened my mother in a hissed whisper. “A monkey is fine, my love. We can name it Gaia the Poo Slinger.”

“They sling poo?” Elle asked, not sounding as sure about her choice of pet for our child.

“Only for a few hours in the mornings on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Other than that, they’re wonderful,” my mother told Elle.

“Mmmkay,” Elle said, peeking her head out of the door and gently pushing the monkey back to the uninvited jungle. “I think we’ll stick with Hell Hounds. Hi, Gaia.”

“You’re absolutely gorgeous!” Mother Nature pronounced, literally flying over to Elle and laying her head on her stomach. “Ohhhh, I can hear him gabbing away in there. He’s a naughty little one.”

“What did he say?” I demanded.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” my mother said with a trill of laughter. “This little man will be a handful. Much worse than you were, Lucifer.”

I was quite put out that my boy had spoken to my mother and not to me. I’d laid my head on Elle’s stomach for an hour earlier and serenaded my baby with Journey’s greatest hits. He didn’t say a word, only kicked me in the head… or possibly punched me in the head. It was unclear if I was assaulted by an arm, leg, head, elbow or an ass. I didn’t care. It was awe inspiring. My baby already punched like a champion. He was clearly brilliant.

“So, Gaia,” Elle said, looking down at her stomach with an expression that was difficult to decipher. “You’re saying that our son will be a gorgeous, deceitful, lying, cheating, shit?”

“Umm… well… I don’t …ahh… don’t know if I would put it exactly like that,” she stuttered.

My mother’s eyes went huge as she glanced over at me at a loss for words. Mother Nature was never at a loss for words. It was tremendous. Almost as tremendous as the way Elle had just described our boy.

Elle’s power was enormous, and she was pregnant. It was a lethal combination. My mother knew it, and I’d been living through it. Pissing the Keeper of Fate off was a no-no.

“We can only hope,” I said, placing my hand on Elle’s stomach and kissing her cheek.

“You are correct, Devil,” Elle said with a laugh as she rubbed her stomach with glee. “I simply wouldn’t know what to do with a baby who was truthful and sweet.”

“Oh my,” Mother Nature said with a relieved giggle. “Two peas in a pod—soon to be three.”

A gust of wind mixed with lavender glitter gently blew through the room, bathing the jungle in a purple mist as Sadie appeared. Elle squealed with joy at the sight of her mother.

“My Elle,” Sadie said with a delighted little gasp.

The older Siren’s eyes filled with tears as she slowly approached her daughter and touched her stomach with reverence.

“Isn’t she lovely?” Mother Nature whispered as the two women fussed over my lover.

“The most beautiful girl in the world,” Sadie said as she took Elle’s face in her hands and pressed her lips to her forehead. “A miracle. This is a true miracle.”

I stood and watched for twenty minutes as my mother and Elle’s oohed and ahhed over my mate. And then I got a bit antsy. It was my superb swimmers that had helped produce the boy. Didn’t I deserve some of the praise? I was the fucking Devil and we were in Hell for the love of everything illegal.

Feeling slighted and left out, I opened my mouth.

I shouldn’t have.

“Funny thing,” I said with a casual chuckle, walking over to the trio and wedging my way in. “I thought Elle kept trying to behead me because she was having her monthly lady time.”

My mother and Sadie gaped at me like I was a dolt.

“That’s what you were asking advice on when you visited me?” my mother inquired as she began to laugh. “You had no clue Elle was pregnant?”

“Of all the things,” Sadie said, joining my mother in her ridiculous cackling.

“Lucifer, really,” my mother said wiping tears of amusement from her eyes. “Are you that daft?”

“Not so fast,” Elle snapped, halting the laughter with the tone of her voice. “You will not disrespect the father of my child. I’m the only one allowed to do that. Neither one of us knew I was pregnant. Astrid had to tell us yesterday. I thought I had an out of control sweet tooth and gas.”

I grinned with pride at my lover’s defense of me. Elle was simply perfect in every dastardly way.

It also kept me from having to electrocute my mother which would not have ended well.

“You’re shitting me,” Mother Nature said, shocked.

Sadie stood silently and tried to bite back her grin. She was losing.

“We shit you not,” Elle said with a raised brow. “How would we know? A Siren hasn’t been pregnant in millions of years due to our sexual intercourse homicidal issues.”

“Lucifer, you have eight daughters,” my mother pointed out.

I shrugged. “I wasn’t exactly what you would call a hands-on father.”

Elle pulled a dull butter knife from the pocket of her flowing gown and twirled it in her fingers. “But that will not be the case this time,” Elle said sweetly, despite the flashing of her lavender eyes.

“Correct,” I replied swiftly. My lover was still pregnant. Decapitation and possibly castration were still on the table.

“Lucifer will nurse the baby and teach him naughty words while I sleep,” Elle explained. “Astrid gave us some pointers.”

“Astrid might need some anatomy lessons,” Mother Nature muttered.

“What do you mean by that?” I demanded, trying to remember what the Hell Astrid had made me promise to do. I needed to start writing shit down. Babies were complicated.

“Men don’t have mammary glands,” Sadie said.

“And that is where you are wrong,” I shouted. “Lizard are you guarding the suite?”

“I am,” Lizard said, popping his head inside the door.

“Excellent,” I said, giving my mother and Sadie a triumphant glare. “I need you to explain to my mother and Sadie that men do indeed have mammary glands. I can nurse just as well as Elle, and I shall be the best nurser in the goddamned Universe.”

Of course, I had no clue what the Hell a nurser did, but I was the Devil. If I wanted to nurse, I would fucking nurse.

Lizard squinted at me and gave me an odd look. “You sure about that, my liege?”

“Yesssss,” I hissed, certain I heard my mother giggle. She wouldn’t be giggling soon. I adored being right. “Out with it.”

“With pleasure, Sire,” Lizard said, smacking on his gum and shrugging. “All male and female mammals have mammary glands—or in medical terms, hooter nodules. That’s the organ that produces milk—or boob juice to be more scientific. When the hooter nodule matures fully in females during puberty, they develop into a state where a hormonal spike called prolactin can induce lactation—or milk squirts. Now for the persuasion packing a ding-dong, the gland doesn’t generally mature to that level. Hence, those with wieners rarely produce milk squirts.”

The room went silent. I heard a few snickers, but they might have been gags. I wasn’t sure and decided I could live without the knowledge.

I seriously regretted inviting Lizard in. I felt a bit nauseous. For a few seconds, I did consider blasting his tongue out of his mouth, but I had demanded the proof of my statement. It would be rude to mute the messenger.

Nursing was not in my future. Ever.

The end result of Lizard’s diatribe was what I would call a very bad short-term win. The expressions on our mothers’ faces were priceless, but for all the wrong reasons. I could easily claim the Ass of the Universe Award now. The long game had been entirely lost.

“That will be all, Lizard,” I said, trying to sound like I’d meant for the ridiculous explanation to occur—somewhat like my mother’s embarrassing entrance on the pole.

“Can someone tell me what nursing means?” Elle asked, pale after listening to Lizard.

“It means to breastfeed the baby,” Sadie said, putting her arm around Elle and giving her a hug. “Men can’t nurse.”

“Thank Hell for that,” I choked out. “Lizard, you are free to leave. If you stay, I will have to dismember you.”

“Roger that,” Lizard said with a bow. “And I’m still having no luck finding a midwife.”

“Keep trying,” I commanded.

“As you wish,” he said as he shut the door to the suite behind him.

“Well, then,” Sadie said, looking around the office and changing the subject to something where no one would end up getting maimed. “Is the new décor for the child?”

“No,” I said, eyeing my mother. “It’s Mother Nature’s travelling circus.”

“Fine,” my mother said with an eye roll. “I’ll fix it.”

She waved her hands, and in less time than it took to inhale a breath, my office was restored to its former dark beauty. I was relieved there wouldn’t be an open crater in the roof for the party.

“So, what is this about a midwife?” Sadie asked as she led Elle over to the couch and seated her.

“Apparently, we need someone to help Elle through the birth,” I said with an eye roll. “I volunteered, but Astrid said no.”

“And that’s a good thing,” Sadie said with a concerned expression. “When a Siren gives birth, it’s…”

“It’s what?” Elle asked, curious.

“Rather explosive,” Sadie finished her sentence.

“Explosive?” I inquired, feeling vindicated that my misspeak from earlier had been correct. The mammary gland disaster had poked a few holes in my oversized ego. It was outstanding to feel superior again.

“Very explosive,” Sadie confirmed. “It could wipe Hell off the map of the Universe.”

“Oh dear,” Mother Nature said. “Should we take her to Purgatory? I don’t think anyone would miss Purgatory if it disappeared. It’s so beige and boring.”

“Elevator music will not be the first sound my son hears after he is evicted—or exploded from his mother’s womb,” I snapped. “What are the options, Sadie?”

Sadie glanced over at my mother. “Can you perform a barrier spell around the office suite, Gaia?”

“Haven’t done one in a few centuries, but yes,” my mother answered, nodding thoughtfully. “Can you?”

Sadie smiled. “How do you think Elle and I stayed hidden for millions of years? I do believe if we combine our magic, Hell will survive.”

“Do it,” I commanded, moving to Elle and putting my arms around her. “Will this spell protect Elle and the baby?”

“Oh, Elle and the baby will be fine,” Sadie assured me. “It’s Hell that I’m worried about.”

“Can I be with her?” I asked, knowing I had no plans to take no as an answer.

“If we can find a midwife that can withstand and survive vicious explosions, then yes,” Sadie said, looking doubtful.

I sighed and let my chin fall to my chest. How in the fuck had it come to this?

“I have just the person,” I said, trying not to wince.

“You do?” Elle asked, surprised.

“Fortunately, and unfortunately, yes,” I replied, kissing the top of her head.

“Go get the midwife,” Mother Nature instructed, sounding all business as she clapped her hands and created a lovely lavender bed for Elle to give birth on. “Once we cast the spell, no one is allowed in and no one is allowed out.”

“On it,” I said, sprinting toward the door in search of Mammy.

“Will I be able to attend the party after the birth?” Elle asked her mother.

“Absolutely, sweetheart. After the explosion you’ll be as good as new within the hour.”

“I just hope Hell will fare the same,” Mother Nature said under her breath as she continued to conjure up all the necessary items for a birth. “Lucifer, haul ass. It will take a full day to cast the spell. No time to lose.”

“Yes, mother… and thank you,” I said, glancing down at my hands to see if hives had popped out. None. So far so good.

“You’re welcome,” my mother said with a smile.

“You’re not going to give me shit for saying thank you?” I questioned warily.

“I am not,” she replied, still smiling. “Even though you don’t speak the words often, I know you mean them all the time.”

“Actually, I don’t,” I told her, being truthful for the first time in a while.

The bolt of lightning came so fast, I didn’t even see my mother wiggle her nose. Damn, she was good.

“That fucking stung,” I snapped as I waved my hand and put out the fire that had just destroyed my pants. The truth was utter bullshit. I would avoid it in the future at all costs. My suit was custom and now had a big hole in the ass.

“I’m just getting started,” my mother said with a giggle and an arched brow. “If you want Hell to survive, move it. NOW.”

“Elle, I’ll be back shortly. Don’t worry about a thing. I have it covered,” I promised as I waved my hand and disappeared in a gust of black mist.

I would find Mammy. Her price would be high. Of that I was certain.

However, there was no price too high for the safety of my lover and my son. I would happily die for either of them. Not to mention, if Hell disappeared, it would be difficult to blackmail Steve Perry into being my BFF at the party.

Not. Going. To. Happen.

My life as I knew it was about to change for the rest of eternity… and I couldn’t wait.

Chapter Thirteen

Two days trapped in a suite with Mammy and my mother was the worst kind of Hell I’d ever lived through. My mother pole danced for eight hours straight. None of us would be the same after experiencing the horrifying display. I was scarred for life when one of her moves revealed her see-through crystal G-string. Even bleaching my eyes wouldn’t be sufficient after seeing my mother’s bits. No son should ever have to go through that.

Elle was incredibly grumpy as the birth grew near. I’d stabbed myself for her amusement so many times, even my mother was concerned. Sadie was the only voice of reason in the crew of insanity. After a private talk with her daughter, Elle apologized for enjoying my multiple impalements. Of course, twenty minutes later she nailed me with a fork to the forehead for touching a cookie.

Mammy had the wherewithal to stock the suite with enough food to feed an army. Elle had gone through most of it. Thankfully, Sadie estimated the birth—or womb explosion—to be imminent. This was a good thing. Who knew what would go down if we ran out of cookies?

“Alrighty,” Mammy said, doing a few jumping jacks, deep knee bends and popping her neck. “When the boy makes his entrance, ya’ll just backass up. Gonna get messy.”

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” I asked, getting worried.

Elle was my world and my son came in a very close second. Losing my Siren was unacceptable. My desire to exist would vanish.

“I’m gonna pretend ya didn’t say that,” Mammy growled as golden smoke wafted out of her nose and ears. “There’s a couple things I know how to do. Make beans-n-franks, trim hair, and birth a baby.”

“And kill people,” Mother Nature reminded her. “You’re a wonderful assassin.”

“Dangit,” Mammy said, giving my mother a thumbs up. “Almost forgot about that. Thanks, Gaia.”

“No worries, Mammy. Glad to help.”

“You’re an assassin?” Sadie inquired, impressed.

“Darn tootin’” Mammy answered as she got Elle settled on the bed. “I can fry the head off a jackass from a mile away.”

“You’re not blind?” I asked, confused. “You trimmed your son bald and blew the arms off my assistant whose name escapes me.”

“Did it on purpose for a little fun,” Mammy explained as she plumped the pillows for my lover. “Gotta keep ‘em on their toes—keep it spicy, if ya know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t,” I said, getting seriously concerned that the certifiable whack job was about to deliver my son. “Ask for a favor.”

“What’d ya say, Lord of Dark Crap?” she asked, piling towels next to the bed and making sure the ornate cradle my mother had produced from thin air was placed next to the bed.

“A favor from the Devil is the most coveted prize in the Universe,” I said, as I walked to the head of the bed and tucked Elle’s hair gently behind her ears. “You will receive a favor as long as the love of my evil life and my child come through this unharmed and untrimmed.”

Mammy cackled as she continued to work. “Ya already done it,” she said. “This is me payin’ ya back for ya grantin’ my Murry the ability to read and offering to watch after the dumb-ass if anything ever happens to me.”

“I didn’t exactly offer,” I clarified as I heard my mother’s swift and surprised intake of breath.

“Oooohhhh, I’m so proud of you, Lucifer,” my mother said. “I knew deep down inside you were a nice man.”

“I am not nice,” I snapped with an enormous eye roll. “I’m fucking Satan—the most evil badass to ever live.”

“And clearly a contortionist,” Sadie muttered with a laugh.

Son of a bitch. I’d done it again. Ignoring the chuckles at my expense, I glared at Mammy. “Ask for another favor. NOW.”

“Whatever ya say, Lord Dumbass,” Mammy said with an evil little smirk. “I wanna trim ya. Never trimmed a celebrity before. Martha and Jane read me some of yer new book. It’s so damn good. Almost peed my knickers I was laughin’ so hard. Gonna be a big hit. That’s the favor I want.”

Just when I thought a fork to the head was the worst thing that could happen today…

“Why don’t you think about it for a while and get back to me on it,” I said, trying to be diplomatic which was not my normal style. Electrocution and decapitation were more in my wheelhouse than reasonable negotiation.

“Nope. That’s what I want,” Mammy said. “It’ll be good fer my Ball Shop business if I’ve de-haired the Lord of Dark Shit. Ya feel me?”

“Oh my Hell,” Elle grunted out as her stomach went as hard as a rock and her breathing grew labored. “Hurts. Hurts so bad.”

“Do something,” I shouted frantically, seeing my life vanish before my eyes. “Fix it.”

“It’s fine,” my mother assured me as I paced the suite in a panic. “It’s normal.”

“Sonofabitchshitdamn,” Elle screamed as her hands searched the bed.

“What do you need?” I demanded. “I’ll get you whatever you want. Jewels? Cars? A new wardrobe? Beans-n-franks? A monkey? Blueberry muffin bread? Just tell me,” I shouted as she continued to moan and search the bed.

“A butter knife,” she shrieked. “Have to remove your shmackle immediately. I can never have a baby again. He can just stay up there for the rest of time. I’m not doing this.”

“Relax yer crack, honey,” Mammy said as she ducked a massive fire ball Elle aimed at her head. “It’ll be over before ya know it.”

The suite was now on fire. I’d never been so relieved in my life. Walking right into the blaze, I sighed with joy. If I was going to have to regrow my shmackle, I may as well enjoy the flames for a few minutes.

“I said I’M NOT HAVING A BABY,” Elle shouted as she convulsed in pain. “This sucks.”

Mammy wasn’t so lucky with the next shot. In between the threats to my Johnson, the swearing and the search for the dull butter knife, Elle lobbed an amethyst globe of magic so powerful it should have killed Mammy dead.

Much to everyone’s shock and amazement, it didn’t. The crazy old Dragon simply snorted the purple inferno up her nose then burped.

“Is that all you got?” Mammy grunted and stood to her full height of four foot nothing. “I’d think the Keeper of Fate could do better than that.”

Elle’s eyes narrowed to slits and she growled like a wild animal. I found it arousing but figured if I said anything my lover would decapitate me. I wanted to greet my son with my head on my shoulders, so I kept my mouth shut. Hard but doable.

“Take this,” Elle said with a grin, forgetting about the fact she was in pain and about to blow something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a walnut… if one were to believe Martha and Jane.

Elle hurled a bolt of lightning at the Dragon. Mammy did a backflip and caught the brutal assault in her mouth.

“Are you serious?” Elle shouted with delight. “That was amazing!”

The contractions continued. I watched in awe as Elle’s stomach hardened and then softened. However, my lover was oblivious. She was far too involved in trying to incinerate the fire-proof, smack-talking Mammy.

“Come on, ya weenie,” Mammy shrieked with glee as Elle sent wave after wave of magical blasts her way. “I didn’t even feel that one.”

Mammy took each new attack in stride, and Elle squealed with laughter.

My mother’s mouth hung open in shock. I surmised by her reaction this wasn’t like the womb eviction of God or myself. The suite was now a blazing inferno. Thank Hell we were all some of the strongest Immortals in the Universe and would be fine after a half hour or so.

“Give it yer best shot,” Mammy sang as she approached the bed and rearranged Elle’s body position.

Elle didn’t even notice. She laughed, wound up and blasted Mammy so hard I was sure the Dragon was a goner.

Nope. Mammy took the blast like the nutjob she was and swallowed it whole. Elle was laughing so hard she didn’t see Mammy wave us away from the bed. She quickly sanitized her hands with some kind of rose-colored nose smoke and got into what I could only call a football position. Was my son about to explode out of my lover’s nether regions like a fucking bomb?

“You can trim me!” I shouted in utter awe of Mammy. “Right now, you could ask for world domination, and I’d give it to you.” And I would. As much as I despised being wrong, I could have never done what Mammy was doing. I couldn’t even work the damned baby papoose.

“I’m good. World domination would suck ass,” Mammy grunted as the suite burst into flame so hot, I grabbed my mother and Sadie and flew to the bed to protect Elle who was still laughing with delight over Mammy’s crazed and death-defying antics.

“She does have a point there,” my mother shouted over the massive explosions complete with a fireworks display going off in the suite.

Stroking Elle’s head, I could barely see Mammy at the foot of the bed through the blaze. My son was going to enter the world bathed in fire. I’d never been so humbled in my existence. It was perfection.

“He’s coming,” Elle screamed as she held my hand in a grip so tight, I thought she might wrench it from my body. It didn’t matter. My lover was a miracle. While I wanted to keep my head and my Johnson, the rest of me was fair game.

“This is bullshit,” Elle screamed as sweat poured off her face, and her body jerked in agony. “Do I really have to do it?”

“Almost done,” Mammy shouted. “Yer doing great!”

The Dark Palace and all of Hell shook on its foundation. I hoped the barrier would hold. It would be a damn shame if Hell were to disappear. But as long as my love and my child were fine, I didn’t care. I’d take my Demons and steal a new place for all of us to live in violent harmony. Where? No fucking clue. I’d figure it out later.

“I see his head,” Mammy said. “Push, Elle.”

“I can’t,” Elle grunted as her face reddened and her fists clenched. “I can’t.”

“You can,” I said, stroking the hair from her face. “You are the strongest and most beautiful woman I have ever known. I’m so in love with you it hurts.”

“It doesn’t hurt like blowing an SUV out of your vagina,” she snarled.

“True,” I conceded.

“I will make you pay for this, Lucifer,” Elle ground out. “I will make your life a living Hell.”

“I look forward to it,” I told her, placing my hand over my heart so she was aware I told the truth.

“I hate you right now,” Elle snapped.

“I love you more than I ever have.”

“You’re crazy,” she yelled.

“For you,” I shot back.

“Kind of cheesy,” my mother said with a grin.

Before I could electrocute my mother or even think of a good comeback, another explosion rocked through Hell. I was sure it could be felt all the way to Heaven.

“PUSH,” Mammy commanded. “One more big push and it’s over.”

“Do you promise, Mammy?” Elle screamed. “If you’re lying, I will rip your appendages off, wait for them to heal then rip them off again for the rest of time.”

“She’s so violent,” I said with pride right before my lover nailed me with a right hook that made me see stars.

“PUSH,” Mammy yelled. “And everyone duck. He’s coming.”

With a roar that sounded like a furious goddess, Elle did as she was told. The flames turned a sparkling purple and an earthquake erupted under my feet. I held fast to Elle to make sure she was safe. The next explosion was blinding. Literally.

Mother Nature screamed and Sadie cried out. What was happening? Did something go wrong?

“Elle,” I shouted. “Say something.”

“Something,” she choked out as she reached for me.

“Mammy, where are you?” I roared. “Speak.”

“All’s good,” Mammy shouted as the explosions began to die down and the smoke cleared. My vision came back but it was blurred.

Had my eyes been permanently damaged? I could barely see Mammy. I could tell she was holding something. I could somewhat make out her smile.

And that’s when I heard my son cry. It was glorious.

A tingle shot through my body. I felt it from my fingertips all the way to my toes. My stomach tightened, and my heart pounded like a jackhammer in my chest. A sparkling amethyst glow mixed with shimmering black light surrounded the small perfect bundle in Mammy’s arms. As she handed the amazing little person to Elle, my heart lodged in my throat. In all my eternity, I’d never been so moved. It was the definition of beauty.

“He’s got a large Johnson for such a little thing,” Mammy commented with a thumbs up.

“Of course, he does,” I choked out with pride. “He’s my son.”

My vision was fine. It was blurred with tears—such an unfamiliar occurrence for me. The Devil didn’t cry.

Today the Devil did.

For a moment, I wondered if Hell had frozen over and then pushed the thought aside. With the sheer amount of fire and explosions that had just occurred, there was no way my kingdom was ice. Hell awaited my son. It would never fail him, and neither would I.

“Do you want to hold him, Lucifer?” Elle asked softly with a smile.

“Will he break?” I inquired, terrified. “Is there a correct way to do this?”

I should have kept Lizard in the suite with me for the birth. The Demon knew everything. However, he and Astrid were busy with last minute party planning for the evening. Since the culprit who penned the death threat letter had still not been found, Lizard was prepping the Demon Army on security measures for the celebration. I was taking no chances.

“Babies don’t break,” Mammy said with a laugh.

“You’re certain about this?” I asked as I gently touched his plump cheeks and stared at the little man who I was immediately besotted with.

“Darling, I dropped you on your head repeatedly as a baby,” my mother volunteered with a giggle. “You were very squirmy. You turned out just fine.”

“I’m perfect,” I muttered as I took my son into my arms and held him for the first time.

Again, my heart hammered in my chest, and my eyes filled with the tears I had no clue I was capable of. The child was perfection. His eyes glowed a deep purple, and there was a smattering of dark hair on his perfectly shaped head. Lizard had been incorrect about babies being bald. I’d electrocute him for that shortly.

“He smells so good,” I whispered in awe as he stared straight into my soul.

“Like Heaven,” my mother said with a happy sigh as she gently touched his cheek.

“No,” I said with an eye roll. “Like Hell. Heaven smells like ass.”

“Of course,” Sadie said with a smile as she hugged her daughter and gazed at the miracle in my arms. “He smells just like Hell.”

Laying down on the bed next to the woman who made me complete, I placed our son between us. I could stare at both of them for the rest of eternity and be fulfilled. It was a strange concept for the Devil to care more for others than himself.

I loved it.

I was still an asshole. I would always be an asshole, and I hoped my son would be the same. It would be necessary since he was the heir to Hell. Lying, cheating and stealing would come naturally to him, I was sure of it. It was in Elle’s and my DNA.

“You’re my hero,” I whispered to Elle.

“And you are mine, Devil,” she whispered back, gazing at our son with adoration. “Your shmackle is safe for now. However, I can’t do this again for a few centuries.”

“Not to worry,” Sadie said. “Sirens only bear a child once in a lifetime… if ever.”

“So, you’re saying Lucifer doesn’t need to invest in condoms? He doesn’t need to slap a glove on his Johnson?” my mother asked as she circled the room and repaired all the fire and explosion damage from the birth.

If she hadn't been doing something productive, I would have zapped the Hell out of her. Her ease with talking about my jewels in public settings was appalling.

Sadie giggled and shook her head. “Umm… no. Lucifer and Elle are fine to resume life as normal without worry.”

“I’m a little worn out,” Mammy said, sitting on the edge of the bed looking pale and ill.

Elle sat up, placed our son in my arms and quickly crawled to the end of the bed where Mammy sat. Wrapping her arms around the tiny woman, she kissed her and held her close.

“Did I harm you?” Elle asked, upset. “Can I help you now? Tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.”

Mammy gave Elle a tired smile and patted her head. “Nah, I’ll be good in a few days. Yer one powerful mother humper,” she said with a chuckle. “Never snorted magic like that before.”

“Are you certain you will be alright?” Mother Nature asked, taking Mammy’s chin in her hand and examining her eyes. “I can cast any kind of spell you need. Tell me what hurts.”

“I’m good,” Mammy insisted. “Just need to sleep it off.”

“Promise?” Elle asked, still holding Mammy close.

“Yep, don’t get yer sphincter in a knot over me,” Mammy said, standing up. “Can ya lift the binding spell so I can go get some shut eye?”

“Of course, Mammy,” Sadie said, clapping her hands and lifting the spell. “Will you be joining us at the party this evening?”

“Wasn’t invited,” Mammy said sadly.

All eyes landed on me. None of the eyes were pleased. If glares could kill, I’d be a dead Demon. Even my son gave me the stink-eye, and he was barely an hour old.

“What? Impossible,” I shouted, feigning shock. “How could this embarrassing oversight have happened? I will behead someone for this. Mammy, you and Murry will be guests of honor at the celebration. And… you are welcome to trim me right now. I’m not normally a man of my word. It’s dreadfully bad for my reputation, but for you I shall make an exception. Do I need to remove my pants?”

Mammy shook her head and gave me a lopsided grin. “Too tired to trim. But I appreciate the invite. Me and Murry would love to come to the party. I have a few vats of beans-n-franks that I froze. Should I bring ‘em?”

I wanted to scream no at the top of my lungs. The word was on the tip of my tongue. However, my son had another plan in mind. I felt a small, yet potent, zap to my head and glanced down in surprise. The heir to Hell had lifted his tiny middle finger and aimed it right at me. It was so impressive, I almost cried again. Containing my delight that I’d been the very first person to be flipped off by my child was difficult. However, I got the message loud and clear. If my baby wanted the odiferous fare at the soiree, then he would have it. I could deny him nothing.

“I was hoping we had more beans-n-franks,” I lied through my teeth. “It’s my favorite, and I’d be honored to serve it to my guests.”

Mammy giggled and blushed. “Roger that. I’ll get to thawin’ ‘em out and then take a little nap before the party. Elle ya did real good and that there baby is perfect.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” Elle said. “I am forever in your debt.”

“Does the boy have a name?” Mammy asked as she slowly made her way to the door of the suite. Mother Nature and Sadie flanked the old Dragon and gently helped her to the exit.

Elle glanced over at me. We both grinned.

“He does,” Elle said. “We will announce our son’s name at the celebration tonight.”

The plan was perfect. The morning had been perfect. I just hoped the evening ahead would be the same.

Chapter Fourteen

The soiree was to die for. Astrid had outdone herself. The Grand Ballroom of the Dark Palace had never been more festive or exquisite. Everything was done up in sparkling black, and the murmurs from the crowd were appropriately impressive. Ravens sat atop priceless nude statues and glared menacingly at the crowd. The party favors were black diamonds shaped like a baby bottle in honor of the Heir to Hell. No expense had been spared. It was truly macabre and outstanding. Not a dust bunny in sight. Astrid was now on the Favor from the Devil list. I didn’t mind a bit. It would take a tremendous amount to sour my mood at the moment. Life was indeed going well.

Elle had recovered within the hour after our son’s arrival just as her mother had predicted. I actually missed my lover’s rounded body, but she was perfect in any form. Her breasts were still wonderfully large due to the fact she was nursing our son—something I was grateful I was incapable of, mammary glands or no. My mother, unable to stop herself, gleefully inquired at least ten times if I’d like to give Elle a break and nurse the baby. If my son hadn’t been present, I would have singed all the hair from my mother’s head and rammed her stripper pole where the sun didn’t shine. But I realized if I wanted my son to show his mother respect, I would have to show respect to my own mother… even when it wasn’t deserved. Of course, all bets were off when my boy wasn’t within listening range.

The pile of stolen gifts was appropriately impressive, and everyone was dressed to the nines. April 1st aka Satan’s Womb Eviction Day was far better than Christmas. The human world had been informed via every illegitimate rag magazine and every reputable news outlet I owned that scientists had uncovered the true birthdate of the Fallen Angel, Lucifer aka Satan, Beelzebub, The Dark Angel and to a very few… Uncle Fucker.

Of course, many wondered if it was a joke since the date conflicted with April Fool’s Day. This was not an issue for me. No press was bad press, and I was receiving tons of both. Love me. Hate me. Never forget me.

Steve Perry and Dr. Ruth were present and holding court. It was frustrating that I’d yet to get within a hundred feet of my idol, but the evening was young. The most talented singer in the Universe had consumed four large bowls of beans-n-franks. It blew my mind. The smell alone was enough to make me gag, but I seemed to be the lone Immortal of that opinion. Everyone was partaking in the runny looking dreck and going back for seconds. I owed Mammy yet another favor. I’d suggested promoting Mammy and making her Admiral in the Demon Army to Lizard. He’d agreed whole heartedly.

“Mammy is batshit crazy, but she’s earned the respect of all the Demons in Hell,” Lizard commented as he partook in a bowl of beans-n-franks… while still chewing his gum. “She’s got a waiting list of Demons wanting a trim.”

“You lie,” I said, shocked.

“Always,” Lizard agreed. “But not this time.”

“Interesting and horrifying,” I said, keeping Elle and our son in my sights.

I hadn’t strayed far from their side the entire time. It put a small crimp in my chasing down Steve Perry, but the safety of my family was infinitely more important.

“Beginnin’ to think the letter was a hoax,” Lizard said, also glancing around at the guests with his beady little eyes. “Murry sniffed all the female Demons in Hell multiple times—even sniffed everyone as they arrived at the party. Some of the Vamps were a bit put out with the greeting but kept the violence to a minimum. If the perp was here, we would know it.”

“I’m inclined to agree,” I said. “However, we’re taking no chances. Make sure the army stays on its toes.”

“Roger that,” Lizard replied. “Sadie, Martha, Jane and Mammy are staying close to Elle and the baby as well. My sexy concubines and Mammy are scarier than the entire Demon Army.”

“Fine point. Well made,” I agreed as I scanned the crowd and relaxed slightly.

Mammy still looked pale and ill but was soaking up the praise for her beans-n-franks with gusto. I’d even spied her speaking to Steve Perry and giving him the recipe. My envy almost got the best of me until Elle elbowed me in the gut and informed me if I zapped Mammy, she would decapitate me at the party in front of all the guests.

I was incredibly lucky my lover had my back at all times.

Maybe the threat was a hoax. Maybe, I would have time to blackmail Steve Perry into being my BFF. The apology from the Seven Deadly Sins should help. Wait. Where the Hell were my daughters? Dixie was the only one in attendance with her mate, the Angel of Death. Dixie was delighted with her new little brother and the feeling was clearly mutual. My good Demon daughter was the only person besides Elle, Mammy and myself that the boy would allow to hold him. He’d even smiled and blew a raspberry at his sister.

My son’s advanced progress, as far as a one-day-old baby was concerned, wasn’t surprising. Immortals were a different breed. Mother Nature had informed anyone willing to listen that I’d spoken the word shit at three days old. I was certain she was full of shit, but I let her talk. Talking kept her from pole dancing. Anything was preferable to my mother tumbling off a pole and showing her bits to the five hundred in attendance.

“Where are the Sins?” I asked Lizard as I studied the crowd of revelers. They would never miss a party with all of the most elite Immortals in the Universe present.

“Shit,” Lizard hissed. “With all the to-do, I forgot about them.”

“Understandable,” I said with a curt nod. “I try to forget about them constantly.”

“Want me to poof to Paris and bring them back?”

It was a conundrum. On the one hand, I didn’t want them causing trouble. So far there had only been two fist fights and one stabbing—very little bloodshed. I called that a win. On the other hand, they might come in handy with the Steve Perry BFF plan of action. And who knew? Maybe seeing their little brother would mellow them out, and they wouldn’t commit a murder this evening. Stranger things had happened.

“Go get them,” I told Lizard as I noticed the arrival of my brother with his entourage of glowing Angels and flocks of white doves. God was so fucking over the top. “Tell them if they step out of line even once, they will spend a few centuries in the Basement of Hell burning in the fire pits.”

“Harsh, my liege,” Lizard said with a grin. “Diabolical.”

“Yes,” I said with a grin of my own. “I’m good like that.”

“That you are,” Lizard said with a bow and then disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.

“Lucifer,” God bellowed so everyone would hear him. He was such a show off. “Congratulations on your son. I’m honored to have been invited.”

“Must have been an accident,” I lied with a smile. “But now that you’ve crashed the party, please enjoy yourself.”

“Such a jokester,” God said in his outdoor voice and then leaned in close. “The village lost their idiot. You should probably go home.”

“Clearly your mind is on vacation,” I retorted, enjoying myself tremendously. “But your mouth is working overtime.”

“Nice,” God said with a chuckle. “You should roll your eyes. You might find a brain back there.”

“Not to worry,” I shot back. “I am trying to see this from your perspective, but it’s rather difficult to shove my head that far up my ass.”

“I find that hard to believe,” God said with a wide grin as his bright blue eyes twinkled with mischief. “You’re fucking Satan. Right? I’d think you were quite limber.”

The son of a bitch had bested me. Rare, but possible. The only thing to do now was electrocute my brother. I had to save face. It was my party after all.

Raising my hands high, I prepared to smite the good guy. It would be the talk of the century.

“Absolutely not,” Astrid hissed as she came up behind me and whacked me in the head. “You will not set your brother on fire. I worked far too hard on this bullshit party for you to get your panties in a wad and ruin it. You feel me, Uncle Fucker?”

God simply stood there and smiled. What a dick.

“I go commando,” I snapped, knowing my niece was correct.

“So does Ethan,” she said with a giggle as she hugged God. “I’m so happy you came. Is Cousin Jesus here?”

“He is, my child,” God said with a nod and a chuckle. “He’s standing by, just in case you run out of wine.”

I couldn’t help myself. I laughed. As much as I loved to hate my brother… I secretly loved him and always would. Fate had handed down a harsh decree at the beginning of time that had torn us apart. But all through eternity, we had always been connected and always would be.

“Good one, Uncle God,” Astrid said with a laugh. “Uncle Fucker, you need to make the rounds at some point and say hello to your guests.”

“Can’t leave Elle unattended for too long,” I said, glancing back at my mate with pride. “We never apprehended the one who wanted to destroy the party and try to kill me.”

God’s eyes narrowed and shimmering white crystals burst around his head forming a halo. It was impressive. “Who is trying to ruin my brother’s day?” he demanded as a sharp wind blew through the room. “I will not allow it—even though it pisses me off that you have a birthday and I don’t.”

“Look,” I said, pulling God aside as Astrid scurried off to speak with the caterers. “Mom can’t remember shit. She was joking when she pulled the date April 1st out of her ass.”

“She does have a wicked and alarming sense of humor,” God whispered, glancing around to make sure our mother wasn’t within earshot.

“I’d describe it as warped,” I said. “However, calendars didn’t exist at the beginning of time.”

“Ahh,” God said, nodding thoughtfully. “So, if I just grabbed a random date, you would support it?”

“If you support April 1st for me, I will have my people lie to the world about your day as well,” I replied.

“I shall give it some thought,” God said with a chuckle. “And happy birthday to you and your beautiful boy.”

“I prefer womb eviction day,” I said. “But thank you.”

“I’m sorry. What?” God asked with his mouth agape. “Did you just say thank you?”

“Fuck,” I muttered. “I think I did. Can you keep that between us?”

“With pleasure,” God replied with a laugh. “Times, they are a-changin’,”

“Yes, they are,” I replied. “Excuse me, brother. I need to see if my mate needs anything.”

“You do that,” God said. “I believe I spotted Dr. Ruth. She’s so cute. I shall find her and chat.”

* * *

“The evening is spectacular,” Elle gushed happily as another group of Immortals finished paying their respects and then joined the rest of the party. “So many people love you, Devil.”

I gazed out at the masses as Elle and I sat atop our massively ornate jeweled thrones and shuddered. “I certainly wouldn’t go that far, Siren. Bad for the badass rep.”

“Well, I love you and so does the little boy sleeping in my arms,” she said with her hand on her heart.

“That’s all I need,” I told her, looking down at our beautiful creation. “Should we leave and put him to bed?”

“Not yet,” Elle insisted. “Your mother is going to pole dance. Martha and Jane are joining her. I wouldn’t miss that disaster for anything.”

“Shit. Really?” I asked, feeling queasy.

“Really,” Elle confirmed with a laugh then turned more serious. “Is there any more news about the one trying to end the party? I’m still experiencing a little leftover violence from the birth. I’d love to have a go at someone trying to harm you and keep me from the cake. Nursing makes me hungry.”

“No,” I said, taking her hand in mine. “It may have been a hoax.”

Mammy chimed in as she expertly made sure the blanket around the baby was secure. “My Murry’s nose don’t fail,” she said, appearing even more frail than she had earlier. “He sniffed ‘em all. I’m gonna agree that it’s probably a hoax, or that the mother humper isn’t here. Murry would of found ‘em.”

“Why don’t you go try to talk to Steve Perry,” Elle suggested as she nodded in the direction he was standing.

“Not leaving you,” I said, yearning to get closer to the lead singer of Journey. I had a birds-eye-view of my idol from atop the dais. I was tracking his every move. “Not safe.”

“Bullshit,” Elle said with a grin. “I’m no shrinking violet here. I can defend myself ten times over from each person in this room. I’m the Keeper of Fate. Our guests are just as terrified of me as they are of you.”

She did have a point. Elle was positively frightening. It was incredibly sexy. The party had been in full swing for a few hours and other than a few bloody scuffles amongst the Vampyres and Demons, it was relatively death free. Of course, the death toll could increase when the Seven Deadly Sins arrived, but I was counting on Lizard to put the fear of the Basement in them.

If someone was after me or my family, I would have thought they would have made their move by now. Of course, the simple fact that my Demon Army stood shoulder to shoulder around the perimeter of the ballroom might be deterring anyone stupid enough to have a go at me. Their presence raised the fear factor in the room and set a fabulous and dark mood.

“Okay,” I said, glancing around to see if Lizard had made it back with the Sins. It was risky to even let the Sins near Steve Perry since they had kidnapped him a few years ago. That plan could backfire badly. Maybe, I would just beg. It wouldn’t be my finest moment, but it might work. “Mammy and Sadie, you will stay with Elle while I stalk Steve Perry,” I instructed.

“Ya betcha, Lord of Dark Shit,” Mammy said with a wink, settling herself on the arm of Elle’s throne.

“Wouldn’t think of going anywhere,” Sadie replied, standing behind Mammy and rubbing her daughter’s back lovingly.

“We’ll stick with Elle too, Mongo Pecker,” Jane announced as she waddled up the dais stairs in a crystal boob tube and assless silver chaps. “I will personally kill the shit out of anything or anyone that comes near our new best friend, Elle, and the little man.”

“Best friend?” I choked out. The outfit had to be compliments of my mother. If Martha and Jane were indeed performing with my whackjob of a mother, I was certain she wanted them to be almost as sparkly as she was.

“Yep, Giant Johnson,” Martha said wearing the same get-up as Jane, placing her saggy exposed ass on the throne I’d just vacated. “We’re thinkin’ about becomin’ the fuckin’ nannies for the boy. Just ask Astrid how we protected Samuel. I almost twisted off a Fairy schlong with my bare hands.”

“She did,” Jane confirmed. “Fairy screamed like his balls were bein’ torn off.”

“Well, they were,” Martha pointed out as I winced in phantom pain.

“Mmmkay,” I said, thinking it might not be such an outlandish idea to keep Martha, Jane and Mammy around to help with our boy. Especially since I wanted Lizard back in Hell fulltime.

Wait. It was a shitty idea. Martha and Jane drove me to the point of insanity. Because of Martha’s bare ass on my throne, I would have to incinerate it after the party. I loved my damn throne. It was huge. However, the fact that they’d gone after the nuts of a Fairy was impressive. Fairies were one of the fiercest and most deadly species alive. I’d put it on the list to ponder. Right now, I needed to concentrate on blackmailing the BFF of my dreams.

“You’re sure about me stepping away for a moment?” I asked Elle, not feeling completely secure about straying from her side.

“Positive,” she promised. “Go blackmail Steve Perry. Make me proud.”

“Is that a challenge?” I inquired with a grin.

“It most certainly is,” she purred. “And the reward if you succeed will blow your mind.”

My pants grew uncomfortably tight, and I considered scooping her into my arms and leaving the party. We could put Luke to bed and then have a little fun for the rest of the night.

As if Elle could read my thoughts, she gave me a little push. “How often will Steve Perry be in Hell?” she asked.

“Umm… never?” I guessed. “I have no clue what Astrid did to get him to come.”

“Then take advantage of it,” she urged with a laugh. “Exploit it. Do what you do best, my love.”

Damnit, she was right. If Steve Perry would just give me a shot, it would be the best womb eviction day present ever. “Mammy, are you opposed to me using your beans-n-franks as bait to catch my prey?”

“Go fer it,” Mammy said with a chuckle. “And if ya see Murry, tell him, I’m gettin’ a little tired and might hit the hay soon.”

“But you’ll stay here until I coerce Steve Perry into best friendship?” I asked.

“Roger that,” Mammy said.

“Go now,” Elle insisted. “He looks like he might be ready to leave.”

“On it,” I said as I conjured up a mirror to check myself out.

Gorgeous as always. I was a damned good-looking son of a bitch. It did not suck to be me.

* * *

“Mother, I don’t have time to chat,” I said as I made my way through the crowd toward my target.

“No worries,” she said as she fell into step beside me. “What are we doing?”

“We are doing nothing,” I snapped. “I am going to beg Steve Perry to be my best friend. The man has no clue what he’s missing.”

“I can help you,” she said. “I’ll tell him all sorts of favorable stories about you.”

“There are favorable stories?” I asked, stopping in my tracks and staring at her.

She scrunched her nose and paused for a moment. “No, but I can make them up. It shall be my gift to you for your birthday. I’ll consider it payback for lying to you about the date.”

I debated the merits of her plan for a second and then shrugged. It wasn’t the worst idea I’d ever heard. “Fine. Where’s Bill?”

“Your father is late. He’ll be here soon,” my mother promised. “There was a slight flood in Nirvana after the monkeys used the dishwashers and washing machines to clean their poo.”

“Is that a joke?” I asked with a wince.

“Sadly, no,” Mother Nature said with a wrinkled nose “Smells rancid. Your father promised he would fix it all up and then surprise you at the party.”

“Hope he changes his clothes,” I muttered, glancing around.

Shit. Steve Perry had moved. Had he left?

“Darling, you know, Gaia would be a fabulous name for the baby,” she said.

“Nope,” I replied, distracted by the need to find my hero. “Not going to happen. He’s a boy. And we’ve already chosen a name.”

“Okay,” my mother said trying again. “What about Gaia for his middle name?”

“I will not give my son a moniker that will get him an ass-kicking on the playground. Demons can be assholes. Am I clear?”

“Fine,” she said and then changed the subject. “Speaking of assholes, did you find the one trying to kill you?”

“No, it was a hoax,” I said reaching into my pocket and handing her the letter. “That or the fool changed her mind.”

As I got up on a chair to have a better sightline, I heard my mother gasp. Looking down, I noticed she was holding onto the chair to keep herself upright.

“What?” I snapped, torn between aiding my mother and finding Steve Perry.

My ridiculous conscience won out, and I hopped off the chair to check on my mother.

“What's wrong?” I questioned, noticing how pale she’d gone.

“Where’s Elle?” she hissed. “Where is the baby?”

“The same place they’ve been all night. On the Royal Podium,” I snapped, feeling a panic begin to surge through me.

“This letter is not about you. It’s not about your birthday,” she said as she began to glow, and her fingers began to spark.

“Explain yourself. Immediately,” I demanded.

“Listen to the words,” she said as she began to read. “Lord of Darkness, the day will never happen. The birth will go unrecognized. The end draws near for your latest folly and the hands of fate shall be empty. Heed these words and do not try to replace what already exists.”

“Fuck,” I roared as the real meaning of the letter hit me with a force that left me ready to destroy nations. “It’s about my son—his birth, not mine. The empty hands of Fate mean she will have no child to hold—not fucking cake. Someone is after my son. Over my dead body.”

“We have to get to them now,” my mother said as she literally flew across the Grand Ballroom.

I was right on her tail.

And then all Hell broke loose.

Elle’s scream of terror and fury vibrated through my body. It was a sound I’d never heard and a sound I never wanted to hear again.

My dead body might be an option on the table.

However, my son and mate’s life were not up for grabs.

Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

Chapter Fifteen

“Hello, Daddy,” Wrath sneered, standing about thirty feet from the dais with a crazed glint in her eyes. She was surrounded by her sisters. My son was clutched in her arms with a dagger at his neck. The myriad of tattoos on Wrath’s body shimmered, and her insanity was on display for all to witness. “Did you not receive the letter of warning? You were supposed to get rid of this inconvenience. Now it looks as if I’ll have to clean up your mess. Such a shame. Clear your army.”

I knew my eyes had turned red with fury. The scene before me appeared washed in blood. And, if for some reason I hadn’t realized it, most of the guests hauling ass out of the Grand Ballroom would have alerted me. Only about twenty of my closest remained along with my Army.

My hands sparked dangerously. A black mist snaked through the room and announced that death had arrived. Breathing it in, I let the darkness settle in my soul and calm me. It took all I had not to dive at the rotten fruit of my loins and tear her head from her body. I gently pushed a glowing and hissing Elle behind me as I tamped back my instinct to let my body turn to flame and burn the woman who I used to consider my daughter to ash.

The only thing that stopped me from destroying Wrath where she stood was the fact that she held my son in her arms. She had attacked me for thousands of years—killed needlessly and destroyed without reason. It was my fault it had come to this. She should have been ended long ago, but she was of my blood. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to do it. Hell, I couldn’t even end my own Demon half-brother, and he was just as evil as Wrath… I’d used Astrid to kill her father and do my dirty work. I despised myself, but that was mild compared to what I felt for Wrath. I was an adversary who could defend himself, and she was sure I would never end her. That no longer held true.

My son had no way to fight for himself. With a knife at his neck, the odds were stacked against him. I had given Wrath the world, and she repaid me by ruining mine… and hers.

Immortality could mess with your mind. It had clearly fucked with my daughter’s. Living forever was not for the weak. I’d had to destroy many of my own kind over the centuries who had succumbed to the madness that afflicted those who never died. It was my least favorite part of the job, but it had to be done. I had no clue Wrath had fallen so far. She had hidden it well.

Wrath defined narcissism and insanity. Swirling gold and amber tattoos covered her pale skin and morphed from one violent scenario to another. Her blonde hair flew wildly around her head. She embodied her name in every deadly way possible.

While I applauded bad behavior, a blood-thirsty narcissist wasn’t my cup of tea. A Demon absorbed evil from others. A Demon was forbidden to create evil—true evil. Wrath had twisted and broken the rules for the last time.

With a curt nod of my head, the army retreated and stood behind me. As they moved, Murry passed behind Wrath and sniffed the air. His eyes grew huge as they met mine. Pointing to Wrath, he mouthed that she was the one—the one who penned the letter. He was a little late. However, I’d ruled the bitches out when I thought the letter was about me. My ego might cost my son his life.

“Is the child a True Immortal?” God whispered as he climbed the stairs to stand beside me in one of my darkest hours.

“I don’t know,” I whispered back. “It’s too soon to tell. He came into the world this morning.”

“Chances are that he is,” my mother said under her breath as she too joined me.

“Do you know this as fact?” I asked.

“I don’t,” Mother Nature replied.

“Then the point is moot,” I hissed.

“My son will not be leaving this world on the same day he entered it,” Elle growled, stepping out from behind me in a voice so furious and full of pain it sent chills through my body. “Give me back my child or you will regret it for the rest of your days. Fate will not be kind to you.”

“Make one move and he dies. The dagger is poison tipped. His oxygen will be cut off for weeks. Even if he survives, he will be nothing more than a vegetable. It will just take the tiniest of pricks to end him,” Wrath snarled. “Funny how fate works out in the end.”

Wrath laughed like the insane Immortal she’d become. The tattoos raced even faster over her skin. The effect was dizzying. She was laughing alone. Amazingly, Luke didn’t make a sound. The baby stared at his crazed sister with a Zen-like expression on his face. I’d spend the rest of my days making it up to him if…

There was no if.

There could be no if.

The other traitors surrounded Wrath, and each held weapons of mass destruction. None of them looked comfortable with what was going on, but Wrath wielded enormous power over her sisters. Today would be their last, no matter what else may transpire.

“Why?” I inquired casually, placing my hand on Elle’s back and giving her a signal to stand down. “Why are you doing this?”

There was a chance that Luke was a True Immortal and couldn’t be killed. But it was a chance I refused to take. Elle’s body shook with rage, and her eyes sparkled such a bright amethyst it was difficult to look at her. My lover’s instinct to destroy the enemy was as potent as my own. However, our instinct to protect what we’d created together was even stronger.

“I am the true heir to Hell,” Wrath spat. “No one shall usurp me. I’m the eldest and therefore it’s mine.”

“Interesting. I don’t choose the heir to Hell and neither do you,” I said.

“Liar,” Wrath growled.

“Correct,” I replied.

“Wait. What? Who decides the heir?” Wrath demanded, confused if I was telling the truth or not.

She grew more insane with each word she spoke. The ink on her skin reacted to her break with reality, covering every inch of her body. She barely looked human. Wrath was a painted image of madness and fury.

“I choose the heir,” Astrid said, stepping forward on the left side of the dais. Her fangs had dropped, and her hair blew around her head. Black glitter covered her arms and chest. She was a fearsome sight to behold.

Next to Astrid stood her mate, Ethan, and her son, Samuel. Behind her stood a slew of other deadly Vampyres. Gemma, the Fairy Queen, and her mate, The Kev, also watched the nightmare unfold before our eyes. The sheer amount of magic in the room could end Wrath a thousand times over, but no power could remove the weapon aimed at my son. Not with it so close to his vulnerable neck.

Wrath’s eyes narrowed with ire. “I don’t like that. The rules shall be changed now with a blood oath. I will decide who the heir of Hell is going to be. Change them or I will end the boy… with great pleasure.”

“Jesus, what the Hell did I do for you to turn out like this?” I hissed.

“I’m sorry, did someone call me?” Jesus asked, walking up to the horrifying scene and gasping with dismay.

“My bad,” I said, not taking my eyes off of my deranged daughter. “I took your name in vain. Won’t happen again.”

“No worries, Uncle Lucifer,” Jesus said kindly as he took his place beside his father.

Why in the Hell couldn’t my kids be as respectful as Jesus?

“Blood oath,” Wrath demanded.

“I’m fine with it,” Astrid said, giving me the side eye and a quick wink.

“Can she do that?” Elle asked under her breath.

“No,” God whispered. “She can’t, but Wrath doesn’t know that.”

Pulling a wicked looking dagger from her stiletto boot, Astrid sliced her hand and let the blood drip to the floor. “Okay, here’s my blood,” she said flatly to Wrath. “What should I do now?”

“How am I supposed to know?” Wrath shrieked. “And who do you think you are to speak to me like that? You are nothing—a Vampyre-Demon hybrid. I am Wrath. I can end you.”

“Mmmkay,” Astrid said calmly, holding her power in check with great effort. “While that’s illuminating, not sure it’s pertinent right now. You’re a million years older than I am. Didn’t you think this out?”

Wrath growled and closed her eyes. “Just do some fucking magic and make it true.”

“Sure,” Astrid said with a shrug and chanted in a language that was pure gibberish.

“Did it work?” Wrath demanded.

“Do you still believe you’re the true heir to Hell?” Astrid asked in a pleasant tone, throwing Wrath slightly off her game.

She nodded jerkily.

“Then I’d guess it worked,” Astrid said. “Hand me the child.”

“Need to kill him just in case,” Wrath said with a sickening grin as the tattoos danced in a staccato rhythm. The glare off her skin intensified. One had to squint to actually gaze at her. “Wouldn’t want to take any chances.”

I was done.

“I will give you one opportunity to put the boy down, drop your weapons and surrender. There is no way this will end well for you,” I said as fire covered my body and licked at my skin. The only three who stayed close to me were Elle, Mother Nature and God. They were the only beings alive who could withstand my flame. “If you quit while you’re ahead, the punishment will not be as harsh.”

I watched as the other six traded covert glances and tried to communicate silently. None of them wanted to be part of this. Of that I was sure. They would still be punished if they walked away now, but it would be nothing compared to what I would do to them if they stayed.

“I will count to three,” I snarled as Dixie moved forward and stared at her sisters.

“Walk away,” she pleaded as tears streamed down her cheeks. “You are so much better than this.”

“Shut up, you little piece of trash,” Wrath snarled as spittle flew from her mouth. “I should end you as well for your uppity ways. In fact, that will be first on my list once I get rid of the son of a bitch, and I’m the ruler of Hell.”

“The son of a bitch is giving you one last chance,” I said in a tone so cold the other six girls trembled and began to cry. “One. Two. Three.”

As Envy, Greed, Sloth, Gluttony, Lust and Pride dropped their weapons and stepped forward, my Generals took them into custody faster than a blink of an eye. The weapons were gathered just as quickly.

“You’re weak,” Wrath shouted at her sisters who refused to make eye contact. “Nothing. You are nothing. I will not spare you. You deserted me.”

“Basement,” I growled, sending the six to the worst part of Hell. It would be centuries before I would look upon any of them again… if ever. They would not die but would wish they had.

They were dragged crying and screaming from the Grand Ballroom. I felt nothing. However, the seventh? I despised.

“Put the baby down and step away,” I instructed.

From the corner of my eye, I realized Murry the badass was still behind Wrath. I wasn’t sure if this was advantageous or catastrophic. A thin stream of almost undetectable gold smoke wafted across the room, and Murry quietly inhaled. He paused for a moment and then nodded at Mammy. If I wasn’t mistaken, they were communicating. Mammy glanced over at me and grinned. She blew a smoke ring at me.

Was I supposed to snort it? Eat it? The disgusting possibilities were endless.

Mammy pointed to her own nose and winked. Here went nothing. Inhaling, I almost roared in agony as the golden mist entered my lungs. It burned hotter than any fire I’d ever experienced. With every bit of strength I owned, I stood still and took it.

“Can ya hear me, Lord of Dark Shit?” Mammy questioned inside my mind.

“Yes,” I replied, not looking over at her. “You can call me Lucifer. I think we’ve come that far considering I just inhaled your snot which incinerated all of my internal organs.”

Mammy cackled. “Wasn’t no snot, ya dummy.”

“That’s certainly a relief,” I said, watching Wrath like a hawk. “Is there a reason you wanted to talk right now? I’m a little busy.”

“Yep, I can see that. Ya got a plan, Lucifer Dark Shit?”

“Not exactly. However, I’m sure it will end in the demise of Wrath.”

“I like the way ya think,” Mammy said. “Keep her talking. Tell her yer gonna do exactly what she wants. I need a little time to make sure Murry doesn’t fuck up.”

“Can’t say that sounds promising,” I replied, feeling tension in every part of my body.

“My boy ain’t called Murry the badass fer nothin’,” Mammy assured me. “Boy’s got my genes. He’s a killer.”

“Do you think I’m stupid? I’m not handing the little bastard over,” Wrath screamed. “If I die, he dies with me. Swear to me that I’m the true heir of Hell and then take your own life. I will let the child live if you comply.”

“I can freeze time,” Elle whispered with her eyes glued to Wrath as she continued to yell.

“The knife could still prick the child in the split second it will take for the magic to take hold,” God said quietly.

“Don’t risk it,” I said, tightly. “I’m going to give her what she wants.”

“What?” Elle hissed. “Have you lost your mind?”

“Millions of years ago,” I told her. “Trust me.”

Glancing over at Mammy, she nodded. I was betting my son’s life on the skills of a Dragon who trimmed nether regions, and her son who was missing brain cells. Right now, I saw no other choice.

“I can’t die without the Sword of Death,” I said flatly to Wrath. “You know this as well as I do.”

“Get it,” Wrath snapped with a nasty smile as her body relaxed slightly. She was beginning to feel more confident in her success.

“It will take some time,” I replied then turned to Lizard who had choked up on his baseball bat ready to go for the kill. “Lizard, transport to Purgatory and summon Mr. Rogers. Have him bring the Sword of Death to Hell. Let him know I need to kill myself.”

“Umm… sure,” Lizard said, looking at me strangely.

Lizard knew as well as I did that Fred Rogers was in Hell right now, in the very same room we were standing in. Fred was a poker buddy and joined me at game night every Tuesday. He rode the party bus down from Heaven where he resided. His job was in Purgatory—the most boring fucking place in the Universe. He was indeed the protector of the Sword of Death—the only instrument that could kill a True Immortal.

“You want me to go to Purgatory? Right now? And get Mr. Rogers?” Lizard asked, perplexed.

“Yes,” I said. “It will probably take you a few hours to locate Fred. He likes to play hide and seek.”

Hopefully Mammy wouldn’t need more than a few hours to make sure Murry didn’t fuck up.

“So, should I play hide and seek with him, my liege?” Lizard inquired with the smallest of grins.

“If that’s what it takes to get him to give up the Sword of Death, then yes,” I replied as Lizard nodded his head. “You might want to pretend to be King Friday.”

“Not a problem. Is Mr. Rogers a good hider?” Lizard asked.

“He is,” I confirmed, glancing Fred’s way to make sure he understood my bizarre directive. “Leave at once. Wrath has promised to let my son live if I off myself. I’d like to get this over with. The sooner the better.”

“As you wish,” Lizard said as he disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Fred had slowly lowered himself to the floor and was now hiding under a table. He was a smart man and a damn good poker player. Steve Perry and Dr. Ruth moved in front of the table to block anyone from seeing him. I realized in that moment I didn’t need Steve Perry to be my BFF. I had everyone I needed already. I just needed to make sure none of them were taken from me.

“It shall be done,” I said coolly.

“That’s good,” Wrath said as the colorful tattoos on her skin morphed to a dull gray. “Tell the Demon Army they have to obey me upon your death.”

“They heard you,” I replied. “If you are indeed the true heir to the throne of Hell you will have no problem.”

“Don’t get yer panties in a wad about the fire,” Mammy warned. “Yer boy loves it.”

“What fire? What do you mean?” I demanded.

“Just don’t freak. Ya feel me Lucifer Dark Junk?”

“I feel you,” I said. “What about the others in the room? Will they be safe?

“Can yer mamma cast another barrier spell?”

“Mother, Mammy wants you to cast a barrier spell,” I whispered.

“How do you know this?” she asked, glancing casually over at Mammy.

“Don’t ask. Can you do it?” I asked under my breath.

“Yes,” my mother replied. “Where does she want it?”

“Where?” I asked Mammy.

“Around everyone in the room except me, Murry, Wrath, the baby and you,” she instructed.

“His name is Luke,” I told Mammy.

He wasn’t just the baby. He had a name. A name made one real.

“That’s a real fine name, Lucifer Dark Crap. Real fine,” Mammy said. “Tell yer momma to cast the spell when I sneeze. Ya got that?”

“I do,” I said tersely as Elle took my hand and held it tight. “There are other True Immortals here who can’t die. Do you want them inside the barrier as well?”

“Is there anyone of ‘em who love yer boy as much as you do?” she asked.

“Elle,” I told her. “Elle loves our son as much as I do.”

“Then leave her on the outside,” Mammy said.

“When Mammy sneezes, cast the spell. Leave me, Elle, Mammy, Murry, Wrath and Luke on the outside of the barrier,” I directed, barely moving my lips.

“His name is Luke?” my mother asked, clasping her hands to her chest.

“It is,” I replied tersely. “Get ready.”

“What are we supposed to do?” Elle asked, looking down at the floor so Wrath wouldn’t see we were talking.

“I have no fucking clue,” I muttered. “Mammy?”

“Yep?”

“What do you want Elle and me to do?”

“Catch the baby—I mean Luke.”

“Okay,” I said, glancing over at her as she winked again.

“What did she say?” Elle asked.

“We’re to catch the baby,” I replied.

“I can do that,” Elle said with confidence. “I can do that with my eyes closed. Luke belongs in my arms.”

Mammy sneezed. My mother cast the invisible barrier spell, and Murry the badass went from corporeal to a wisp of pale golden smoke. The Immortals trapped behind the barrier, watched in surprised shock. I was mesmerized as Murry floated up to an oblivious Wrath and wound himself around the handle of her dagger.

Dragons were fucking amazing.

“Ya want some beans-n-franks while we wait fer Mr. Rogers?” Mammy asked a confused Wrath.

“Are you speaking to me?” Wrath demanded, narrowing her eyes at the old woman.

Wrath hated other women. Wrath hated everyone. I would like to think she hated herself, but she was no longer capable of rational or introspective thought. It didn’t matter.

“Yep,” Mammy said, holding up a bowl. “It’s real damn good.”

Murry had secured himself around the dagger and yanked it from Wrath’s hands. At the same moment the knife was removed, Mammy snorted out a fireball that set Wrath ablaze. Screaming in agony, she began to slap at her flaming skin to put out the fire. In her crazed frenzy, she dropped the baby.

“NO,” Elle growled.

Elle hissed and flew like a Demon out of the bowels of Hell to snatch Luke before he hit the ground, but Mammy beat her to it. Elle slammed into the edge of the barrier and bounced back with such force it took both of us down.

With the baby secured safely in her arms, Mammy blew an inferno from her nose like I’d never seen. Wrath roared and shot death magic back as fast as she could. Mammy opened her mouth wide and swallowed it as quickly as it came at her.

“Catch,” Mammy grunted as she took violent hit after hit.

Throwing Luke to Elle, she continued to deflect the vicious magic pouring from Wrath.

Mammy had paled to the point of translucent. Luke was safe. It was time to end this shit.

“Enough,” I bellowed as I trapped Wrath in a spell that made every single blast of magic she shot come back on her tenfold. I watched dispassionately as her own fury tore her from limb to limb leaving nothing but ash. The only remaining part of my daughter were remnants of her tattoos that slithered across the floor before vanishing.

For a brief moment, a wave of something I could only call regret for what might have been came over me. Many centuries ago, I had felt something for my daughter, but she’d systematically shredded it with her anger and murderous ways. I should have ended her long before now.

Ironically, she ended herself. She would have survived if she hadn’t been shooting death magic at Mammy. Karma was a bitch. With a slice of my hand through the air, the carnage Wrath had created and all evidence of Wrath herself disappeared.

She was gone for good.

Chapter Sixteen

“Lucifer,” Elle cried out. “Help me.”

Whipping around, my chest tightened to the point it was difficult to breathe. The sound that left my lips was inhuman. Mammy lay as still as death on the floor. I moved faster than an Immortal eye could follow and took the broken woman in my arms. Her body was so small and light, it felt as if I was holding a child. My lips compressed into a flat line as I gently brushed the hair away from the old Dragon’s face. I foolishly waited for her to wink at me.

Silently, I willed her to come back and say something ridiculous. I tried to reach inside her mind and let her know I was ready for my trim. I called out to her for what felt like eternity, but there was no answer.

Mammy had left the building, and her finale would be one I would never forget.

In a blast of golden smoke Murry became corporeal, dropped to his knees with a keening wail and laid his head on his mother’s chest. His cries echoed through the Grand Ballroom. Elle sat down on the floor next to him and rocked back and forth as Luke reached for Mammy and cried as well.

“Fuck,” I hissed as I slowly put my hand on Murry’s head to comfort him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Me too,” Murry said, with tears rolling down his cheeks. “She was a good Mammy. Always said she wanted to go out in a blaze of glory. She sure as Hell did.”

I was at a loss for words. The woman had saved the life of my son. She’d brought him into the world and died making sure he would stay. In her weakened state, she had defended Luke, and it had cost her everything. Elle put one arm around Murry as she held Luke in the other.

“She’s gone?” my mother asked as she leaned down and cupped Mammy’s pale cheek in her hand.

I nodded jerkily. Normally, I was unaffected by death. Wrath’s death meant nothing to me. It had been a long time coming. Mammy’s death? Mammy’s death was a harsh blow.

The barrier had been lifted, and we were surrounded by family and friends. Silently, all paid their respects to Mammy by laying hands on Murry’s head. Several times his mullet wig went askew, and each time, I readjusted it. I was certain I was covered in hives for my good deed. However, it was the right thing to do. I’d simply have to make up for it by being horrible tomorrow.

The last in line was Jesus.

“May I?” he asked Murry as he gently caressed Mammy’s cheek. “I’d like to take her home.”

“Who are ya?” Murry asked warily. “Are ya from Tennessee?”

I was a bit crestfallen. I had hoped Mammy would land in my neck of the Universe. I would have set her soul up in style and treated her like a Queen. However, it didn’t surprise me that Mammy was destined for my brother’s house.

“I’m Jesus,” he said.

“Are you shittin’ me?” Murry yelled in surprise. “The real Jesus?”

Jesus chuckled and nodded. “The real Jesus.”

“Mammy’s goin’ Upstairs?” Murry blubbered, carefully taking his mother from my arms and handing her to Jesus. “She’s gonna be real surprised by that. She’ll just shit a dang brick.”

“Mammy’s methods were a little questionable, but her heart was pure,” Jesus said as a soft golden light surrounded him. “She will be your Angel now, Murry.”

“Well, now that’s some crazy shee-ott. Yer gonna take good care of her?” Murry asked, still sniffling as he leaned in and kissed his mother’s ashen cheek.

“I will. I promise to take care of her like she was my own child,” Jesus assured him as he began to fade away in the golden light.

“Don’t let her trim ya,” Murry yelled before Jesus vanished. “Her aim sucks. Might lose yer pecker.”

“Did he really just tell Jesus he might lose his pecker?” my mother asked with wide eyes.

“He did,” I said, grinning and shaking my head. “Heaven will never be the same after Mammy arrives.”

“Your father won’t believe any of this,” she muttered and wandered off.

“You’d be surprised how fun Heaven can be, brother,” God said as he held out his hand to pull me to my feet. “Lunch next week?”

“Ulterior motives?” I questioned with a raised brow.

“Of course,” God replied with a chuckle. “I’ll get reservations at that little bistro in Italy for Wednesday.”

After nodding my assent, God disappeared in a blast of silver mist taking his Angels and doves with him.

“Lord of Dark Shit?” Murry asked.

“Yes, Murry?”

“Ya want me to go back to Tennessee?” he asked, looking down at his feet. “I mean, my work here is kinda done and all.”

“Umm…”

Elle shot me a look and pulled a dull butter knife from her pocket. She aimed it straight at the crotch of my pants and waited to hear my answer.

“No, Murry,” I said, heaving out a sigh of relief as Elle smiled and put the knife back in her pocket. “You’re not going back to Tennessee.”

“You will live in the Dark Palace with us,” Elle said as she got to her feet with Luke sleeping soundly in her arms.

I hoped like Hell Luke wouldn’t remember this day, but for some strange reason I knew he would.

“Will I get my own bedroom?” Murry asked and then backpedaled immediately. “I mean, it’s okay if ya want me to sleep in the basement. I’m used to that.”

Breathing in through my nose and slowly out through my mouth, I recalled the promise I’d made to Mammy. I was appalled that so many were here to witness my largess, but it was what it was. I wasn’t always a man of my word, but today I was. Tomorrow would be anyone’s guess.

“You will have a suite, Murry. Your own suite. You will never live in the Basement of Hell. I shall protect you and watch over you until the end of time,” I said.

“Can I call ya Pappy?” he asked.

“Absolutely not,” I shouted and then reined it in when Elle pointed to her pocket. “Lord of Darkness will be fine.”

“Ya got it, Lord of Dark Shit,” Murry said bowing respectfully. “Thank you.”

He clearly had a slight hearing issue like his mother. I let it go. It had been a rough fucking day.

“You’re welcome,” I said, shaking my head in horror at my good manners.

I heard a few gasps from the crowd. I decided to ignore them. Being forced to electrocute anyone after the evening we’d just lived through didn’t appeal to me. Plus, I secretly liked most of the people still here.

“Will ya go to the Red Lobster with me?” Murry asked shyly.

Fuck. The word no was on the tip of my tongue until I noticed Elle had gone for the butter knife again. “Yes,” I choked out as Elle gave me a smile that lightened my black heart. “Sounds like a plan—a bad one, but a plan nonetheless.”

“I told you he was good,” my mother squealed to Steve Perry. “You really should get to know Lucifer. You would probably be best friends!”

Rolling my eyes, I shook my head.

“I’m not good. I’m not even nice. I’m an asshole,” I corrected her much to the amusement and agreement of all present. “Leave Steve Perry alone, Mother.”

“Seriously?” my mother asked, shocked.

“Seriously,” I assured her.

“Can I come out of hiding now?” Mr. Rogers called out from under the table as Lizard poofed back into the room.

“Yes, Fred,” I said with a chuckle as I put my arms around Elle and kissed Luke’s fat baby cheek. “Did you actually go to Purgatory?” I asked Lizard as he grabbed his horribly dressed women and pulled them close before walking over to Murry.

“Nope, I was here the whole fuckin’ time just in case you needed backup,” he told me as he gave Murry a heartfelt man-hug which consisted of an awkward embrace and a few backslaps while chomping on his ever-present gum. “But I’d be up for a game of hide and seek with Fred anytime.”

“Next Thursday in Purgatory?” Fred suggested as he crawled out from under the table and joined the group.

“It’s a date, you sexy-assed, sweater wearin’ hot piece of man meat,” Martha yelled.

“Damn straight, you tennis-shoe changin’ love machine,” Jane added with a shimmy.

Fred looked positively terrified, but he was a polite man. He smiled weakly and gave the trio a thumbs up.

“Well,” Astrid said with an exaggerated sigh as she held hands with her mate and her son. “This was one fucked up party.”

“Understatement,” I muttered, nodding to Ethan and Samuel. I had wanted to save what I was about to say for a private meeting between Astrid and myself, but it was more appropriate and humiliating to announce it with company. Astrid had earned it. “You shall receive a favor.”

“From you?” Astrid inquired with a laugh.

“From me,” I said. “What would you like?”

“I’ll have to get back to you on that,” she replied with a wicked grin, using my own line on me.

“Of course, you will,” I said dryly, unable to hide my smile.

The other Vamps, The Kev, Gemma, Dixie and her mate Hayden all said their goodbyes and left. I was ready to call it a night, but a few stragglers remained.

“I miss everything,” my father yelled as he arrived in a small explosion of bright blue magic with his hair still wet from the shower.

“Sorry about that, Bill,” I said as I approached him and hugged him. I was relieved he didn’t reek of monkey shit.

The man was insanely huggable. It was difficult to keep from squeezing him until his ribs cracked. Everyone wanted to love on Bill. Normally, I denied myself the pleasure of hugging my father. It was undignified and weak. Tonight, was a different story.

As much as I wanted my son to see me respect my own mother so he would respect Elle, I wanted him to see me show my father affection. I wanted Luke’s affection—not the fake kind. The real deal was all I would settle for. And I would earn it starting now.

Bill hugged me back, and I rested my head on his shoulder.

“I killed my daughter,” I whispered.

“No, son. She killed herself,” Bill contradicted me. “Your mother told me everything.”

“Then why do I feel bad?” I asked.

Bill smiled and touched my face. “The circle of life is not for the fainthearted. At some point in every life, a person has a choice of path to follow. When Immortality is on the table, there are far too many paths to choose from. Wrath chose the wrong path over and over. Madness took her, and her fate was set.”

I sighed and let his words sink in. I would not leave my six other daughters in the Basement of Hell. The chance of madness taking them was high if they burned in fire for centuries. Wrath had been a lost cause for thousands of years. The others? Maybe… maybe not. I would give them a chance. They would still suffer a punishment, but it wouldn’t cause permanent damage.

Of course, if they pulled anymore deadly shit, all deals were off.

Elle walked into the center of the guests who still remained and cleared her throat. “We had wanted to announce this at the party, but…”

“But things did not go as planned,” I finished her sentence, joining my lover and gazing at the people around me.

I wished my brother was still here, but I would phone him tomorrow. My mother and father were here. Elle’s mother remained. Murry was trailing Elle around like a puppy. I seriously hoped he wasn’t afraid of the dark and would ask to sleep with us. It would be very bad form to electrocute the Dragon.

Astrid, Ethan and Samuel had yet to leave. Lizard, Martha, and Jane were present and, presently, in the act of a lewd public display of affection. Turning away so I didn’t have to zap them, I scanned the rest of the group.

Steve Perry, Dr. Ruth and Fred Rogers stood slightly outside the circle of family and watched with smiles on their faces. I was fully aware it would be very simple to coerce the lead singer of Journey into being my best friend after what had happened tonight, but I chose not to. He would always be my favorite singer in the Universe. That would remain unchanged. But I was tired—tired of games. Tired of cheating. Tired of lies. If I were ever to become friends with Steve Perry, it would be because both of us sought the friendship. Plus, it was delightful stalking him. Hell, I might not even like him if I got to know him. Doubtful, but possible. Of course, the altruistic attitude that had infected me would be gone tomorrow after a marathon of sex and a good night’s sleep.

It wouldn’t do to have a nice Devil.

Today had been beautiful. Today had been devastating. Tomorrow was a new day—a fresh start. Punishments must be doled out and chaos must be encouraged. A vacation would be lovely, but there was no rest for the weary… or the evil.

“It’s definitely an understatement about the plans going awry,” Mother Nature said with a pout. “I didn’t even get to pole dance for the guests.”

“Maybe some other time, darling,” Bill said as he took my mother’s hand in his and squeezed.

“Or not,” I added with a grin as my mother shot me a glare. “Elle, would you like to do the honors?”

“Yes, Lucifer. I would,” she said, smiling down at the sleeping child in her arms. “You will announce his first name. I shall announce his middle name.”

“He has a middle name?” I asked, confused.

“He does,” Elle assured me.

“Are you sure?” I asked, growing concerned.

“Very,” Elle replied.

“How sure?”

“Very, very, very sure,” she said as her eyes flashed in warning.

Shit. It was going to be bad.

“As you wish,” I said. “Our son’s name is Lucifer, but we will call him Luke.”

“Beautiful,” Sadie said. “It’s a perfect name.”

“For a perfectly wonderful and naughty little boy,” Mother Nature added with a giggle.

“Love it,” Astrid said. “If Luke grows up as fast as Samuel did, they can be best friends.”

“It’s fated,” Elle said, looking over at Samuel with a bright smile. “I see it. The future holds many adventures for the two of you.”

“I look forward to it,” Samuel said with a respectful nod to both Elle and me.

It was a fascinating and somewhat alarming hint to what lay ahead. Samuel was the strongest True Immortal of us all. He hadn’t come into his power yet, but when he did it would be something to see. Would Luke be his friend? Would Luke be his foe? Only time would tell.

“And Luke’s middle name?” My father pressed with a twinkle of delight in his eyes.

Elle glanced over at me and mouthed the words I’m sorry. Her grin grew wide as my eyes grew huge. I had no clue what my crazy woman was about to say, but it was going to be hideous. Of that I was sure.

“Luke’s middle name is in honor of the woman who helped bring him into the world and saved him from leaving it,” Elle said with a tear running down her lovely cheek.

“Holy shee-ott,” Murry shouted. “His middle name is Mammy?”

“His middle name is Mammy,” Elle confirmed. “Luke Mammy the Heir to Hell.

My son was going to suffer many ass kickings on the playground. I bit down on my tongue and held back every inappropriate and profanity laden retort that came to mind. Elle still had a dull butter knife in her pocket, and I wanted my Johnson to be able to perform tonight. Plus, she was correct. As awful and humiliating as the name was, it was fitting. My boy was going to be a badass.

He would have to be with a middle name like that.

Reaching out my hand to the woman who gave me the will to live, I addressed our guests while staring into her lavender eyes. “Good night, everyone. I’d say thank you for coming, but I’m not into that kind of thing. However… thank you for staying. If you repeat what I said, I will make your lives a living Hell. It’s my specialty.”

I didn’t see anyone leave. I heard none of the goodbyes. My eyes were glued to the mother of my son. Her beauty slayed me, but it was her heart that I desired.

“Come with me,” I whispered.

“Always,” Elle said. “I will follow you to the end of time.”

“Promise?”

She placed her hand on her heart and smiled. “Promise.”

“I will hold you to that, Siren.”

“I would expect nothing less, Devil,” she shot back. “You’re a terrible, awful man.”

“And you’re a deceitful shrew of a woman.”

“Thank you,” Elle said with a giggle.

“My pleasure. I’m curious about something,” I said, as we left the empty ballroom and made our way toward our suite.

“Yes?”

“What exactly is cheeseburger sex?”

Elle’s laugh rang out. Her delight made Luke grin and gurgle in his slumber. “You don’t know about cheeseburger sex?” she asked with a wicked grin.

“Can’t say I do,” I replied with a laugh. “I wouldn’t be opposed to learning.”

“It’s a deal, lover,” Elle said as she picked up her speed. “It shall be your birthday gift.”

* * *

Cheeseburger sex was now permanently on rotation in our very active sex life. It was deliciously naughty, and my lover was an outstanding teacher.

Happy, Happy, Happy Womb Eviction Day to me.

Epilogue

The sun rises. The sun sets. And the Earth still spins on its tilted axis in reaction to the day the rightful heir to Hell was almost destroyed.

The battle was epic, and the scars left behind eventually became the strengths that would mold the child. In the sheer violence of that day, the bloody clash ended some, and chose others to remain. It was beautifully brutal.

Beauty created in fury and rage was still beauty.

Or was it…

The Devil had known grace. The Devil knew evil. And now the Devil understood love. But most of all the Devil knew how to have an outstanding time doing outrageously bad things. His son would be no different.

As the son of the Dark Angel, the heir to Hell was in for a wild ride—some of his own making… some, a matter of circumstance.

Apples do not fall far from trees… just ask Adam and Eve.

The future of Luke would indeed be tangled with the future of Samuel and a royal female of Fairy descent. The future was hazy even for Fate to see clearly. Not to mention, the pesky concept called free will could alter the winds of change in less time than it took to blink an eye.

But for now, the child would grow. He would grow up strong. He would grow up devastatingly beautiful. He would grow up knowing he was loved.

And he would be one Hell of a handful.

What did you expect?

He’s the fucking son of Satan.

# # The End… for now # #

Note From The Author

If you enjoyed reading Fashionably Fooled, please consider leaving a positive review or rating on the site where you purchased it. Reader reviews help my books continue to be valued by resellers and help new readers make decisions about reading them.

You are the reason I write these stories and I sincerely appreciate each of you!

Many thanks for your support,

~ Robyn Peterman

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Excerpt from: It’s A Wonderful Midlife Crisis

This is an excerpt from Book 1 of the Good To The Last Death Series!

GET YOUR COPY HERE.

Book Description

Whoever said life begins at forty must have been heavily medicated, drunk, or delusional.

Thirty-nine was a fantastic year. I was married to the man I loved. I had a body that worked without creaking. My grandma, who raised me, was still healthy, and life was pretty damned good.

But as they say, all good things come to an end. I’d honestly love to know who ‘they’ are and rip them a new one.

One year later, I’m a widow. My joints are starting to ache. Gram is in the nursing home, and dead people think my home is some kind of supernatural bed and breakfast. Gluing body parts onto semi-transparent people has become a side job—deceased people I’m not even sure are actually there. I think they need my help, but since I don’t speak dead, we’re having a few issues.

To add to the heap of trouble, there’s a new dangerously smokin’ hot lawyer at the firm who won't stop giving me the eye. My BFF is thrilled with her new frozen face, thanks to her plastic surgeon, her alimony check, and the miracle of Botox. And then there’s the little conundrum that I’m becoming way too attached to my ghostly squatters… Like Cher, I'd like to turn back time. Now.

No can do.

Whatever. I have wine, good friends, and an industrial sized box of superglue. What could possibly go wrong?

Everything, apparently.

All in all, it’s shaping up to be a wonderful midlife crisis…

Chapter One

“No. Way. Are you freaking serious?” I screamed as I flattened myself against the wall of my laundry room with a thud, trying not to hyperventilate. “There’s a hand in the laundry basket. There’s a hand in the laundry basket. There’s a hand in the damn laundry basket.”

Sliding carefully along the wall so the unattached appendage didn’t jump out and grab me, I eased my way out of the tiny room and sprinted to the kitchen. It had a door that led outside, just in case the hand was up to no good.

Wait. What kind of good could a lone hand in a basket of dirty laundry be up to?

No good. That’s what kind of good a companionless hand could be up to.

“I’m nuts,” I muttered, closing my eyes and pressing my fingers to my temples. Forty was supposed to be the new thirty, according to all the magazines. If this was forty, I was going to take a pass. I’d only been forty for three hours and it was already seriously bad. The solitary hand was the rancid icing on top of a really crappy birthday cake.

Pacing my kitchen and keeping my eyes peeled for more random body parts, I spotted the empty coffee container and almost cried. Handling the ridiculously absurd while un-caffeinated was not going to end well.

“I don’t have the energy for this right now,” I told no one in particular, since I was alone. “Who did I screw over in a former life that I’m dealing with this shit?”

Unfortunately, I’d been seeing semi-corporeal versions of dead people for a few weeks. I’d become the kid from the Sixth Sense except that was a movie and this was real life… and my dead people did not look like Bruce Willis.

Up until now, all my deceased buddies had done was stare and laugh—or so I’d thought. There was nothing quite like being the butt of a cadaver’s joke… that was, if the hand was a joke and not a warning that I was going to be six feet under soon.

“Isn’t it enough that you freaks follow me around? Now you’re leaving body parts in my dirty clothes? For God’s sake, today’s my birthday and this behavior is totally unacceptable. I almost puked. And let me tell you something,” I bellowed to the empty kitchen. “If I’d thrown up because one of you idiots thought it would be hilarious to put a hand in with my dirty panties, you’d be cleaning that mess up. Are we clear here?”

Of course, there was no answer. There was never an answer. They didn’t speak—just silently accompanied me to the grocery store and around my house. They were very partial to reality shows. I’d started leaving the television on all night so they didn’t wander into my bedroom while I slept. Thankfully they hadn’t discovered where I worked yet. However, I had no doubt that was coming soon.

“Come on, you guys. It wasn’t funny.” Maybe reasoning with them would work. Hell, I didn’t know if they were real or if I was imagining them. There was a fifty-fifty chance I’d lost my mind. “I think I’ve been pretty nice about letting you stay here rent-free. I don’t deserve to be given a heart attack at seven in the morning.”

Again, no answer.

Again, maybe I was nuts.

Was there even a hand in my laundry basket? Maybe it was a fleshy, skin-colored winter glove. Since it was October and I lived in Georgia it was doubtful. Not to mention, I didn’t own any fleshy, skin-colored winter gloves. I had a little more fashion sense than that. Until I had my iced coffee with an extra-large squirt of chocolate syrup, I wasn’t going to test the theory.

Pleasant. I’d be pleasant. A nice conversational tone might prevent another gag-inducing prank… or not. “Okay, I’m going to eat and leave the house. Whoever left their hand in the laundry room needs to remove it before I get home or I’m going to…”

What the heck was I going to do with a disembodied hand? Should I put it in the freezer? Should I bury it? Damn it, if I buried it, did I have to do it at the cemetery on hallowed ground instead of my yard? It would suck up, down and sideways if it popped out of the ground during a backyard barbecue. What if I got busted at the graveyard for burying a hand and had to do time in the big house? God, the heinous consequences were endless.

Terrified to open my cabinets, I debated how hungry I was. Breakfast was the most important meal of the day, but if there were eyeballs next to my oatmeal, I’d have to check myself into the loony bin.

From out of nowhere, a partially translucent woman tore around my kitchen, wailing in like a banshee—and ironically, she was missing a hand. Had the weirdos been trying to kill each other? Wait. That made no sense whatsoever. They were already dead. The varying states of decay were a dead giveaway—pun intended.

“You have got to be kidding me,” I shrieked as I scrambled up onto the kitchen table in fear for my life.

Could I make it out the door and into my yard? Crap, I was still in my nightie and it was chilly today. Furthermore, what in the hell was I going to do outside? Call for help to get the handless dead woman out of my kitchen? Not too many choices here.

“Stop,” I shouted in the voice I’d learned to use during my self-defense class at the Y.

She did.

Now what?

The woman was trembling from head to toe. Where her hand should have been was just shredded skin—if you could call grayish papery-looking stuff skin. No blood at all. If she was alive in the normal sense of the word, I’d guess her age to be somewhere in her late sixties. She was attractive in a ghostly way.

“Did you, umm… lose your hand? I asked, not quite believing I was conversing with someone I was fairly certain wasn’t there.

She simply stared and cocked her head to the side.

“Maybe you don’t speak English. Or maybe you were brain dead when you died so it isn’t functioning now that you’re not exactly alive. Or maybe you were mute in life… or maybe I’m insane,” I added for good measure as I cautiously got down off the table.

She came a little closer, and I jerked back. The rules were wildly unclear.

“Stay where you are,” I warned, holding up my hand and hoping she understood sign language. “If you promise not to body snatch me or eat me, I think I can help you out.”

Still she said nothing as I carefully made my way to the laundry room to retrieve what I assumed was her hand.

“I’m using a bath towel that’s seen better days in case you’re a disease-carrying zombie.” Never in my life did I think I would utter those words in a sentence. “So, I’ll toss it to you in a sec.”

Surprisingly, my gag reflex didn’t kick in. Dead stuff usually set it off. However, she seemed so upset about her hand, I was okay. Strange. I approached her with extreme caution. I held out her hand, and she held out her stump.

Oh. Hell. No.

Did she want me to reattach it? How did you reattach something to what was little more than a ghost? Her hand felt real, and she looked real enough, even though I could see through parts of her.

“Here you go,” I said as I tried again to give her the towel-wrapped body part.

She wasn’t having it. She simply stood there with her arm extended and waited.

“I’m not a doctor. Not real sure what you want me to do.”

Her eyes were huge in the hollowed-out sockets—watery blue and filled with what I guessed were tears. I was tempted to take her in my arms and hug her, but I still wasn’t positive she wouldn’t take a chunk out of me.

“I suppose I could glue it back on,” I suggested hesitantly. I knew there was some superglue in the junk drawer. I had no clue if there was enough to glue a hand back on. “Superglue can hold a big fat guy attached by his hat to a steel girder, according to the commercial,” I told the woman as I put her hand on the table and searched the drawer. “It might work on your hand.”

Damn, I was a slob. The drawer was full of stuff I didn’t need. However, I did find my eyelash curler, a few tampons, last month’s electric bill and the superglue.

“Mmmkay,” I said, assessing the situation.

I was going to have to touch her to make this work. I was hoping to live longer than forty years, but if my time was up—it was up. Maybe all the dead people were hanging out to let me know I was soon to be a goner. It would be nice if I went out doing something kind for someone. Reattaching a dead woman’s hand wouldn’t have been my first choice, but it was the only one I had at the moment.

“Here goes nothing,” I mumbled as I bit down on my lip and covered the stump with the goopy glue.

She watched in fascination as I then picked up her hand and connected it to her stump.

“I think I have to put pressure on it for at least one minute for it to hold. I’m pretty sure that’s what the guy in the commercial did. But to be safe, we’ll do it for two.”

She looked at me. I looked at her. The silence was awkward and loud. If I was imagining the bizarre exchange, I needed some help immediately. Twice I thought I should start a conversation to be polite. I was Southern. It was in my DNA.

“Today’s my birthday,” I told her with a weak smile that I was fairly sure resembled a grimace. I was still hoping she wasn’t going to bite me. I needed to stop watching zombie movies.

The woman kind of moan-grunted in response. Since my life might still be on the line, I nodded and thanked her. Feeling the need to smack myself in the head, I refrained. If I dropped her hand, all hell could break loose.

After what felt like two hours, the two minutes were up. I stepped back and waited for her hand to crash to the floor. It didn’t. She held it up and moved her fingers. I was shocked that the superglue worked on her tendons too. Wait. Attributing normal to the impossible was nuts—like me.

“Wow,” I said with a surprised laugh. “Can’t believe that worked. Does it hurt?”

As expected, she said nothing that made any sense, but she did give me a smile before she faded away.

I sat down heavily on the kitchen chair and mentally went over what had just happened. It was outlandish and unreal, and I couldn’t even talk to anyone about it. I was on my own in Crazytown.

I supposed if there was anything to be thankful for, it was that she wasn’t a flesh-eating zombie. She was just a dead person with a problem and I’d solved it for her. Note to self… stop watching horror movies.

The knock at my door pulled me back from my screwy introspective thought. Who was here at seven in the morning? The ghosts never knocked. They just appeared when they felt like it. I peeked through the peephole and audibly sighed in agony.

It was Stan—my latest mistake. Actually, my only mistake in a seriously long stretch of celibacy, but definitely a mistake.

Getting back into the dating scene twelve months after Steve died was too soon. I wasn’t ready for it. However, the bottle of wine I’d consumed at Patsy’s Bar and Grill last night didn’t agree with my assessment—not that it was a date. It was a booty call that never should have happened. Ever. At least I didn’t stay the night. A walk of shame at three in the morning was far classier than when the sun was out.

I’d already done surgery on a dead woman. It wasn’t fair that I now had to deal with Stan.

Happy birthday to me…

“Hi Stan,” I said as I opened my door enough to be polite, but not far enough to invite him in.

“Hello Daisy, you’re looking lovely today,” he said with an overly confident smile on his handsome face.

Glancing down, I realized I was still barely dressed. I hopped behind the door and poked my head out.

“Stan, what can I do for you? It’s kind of early.”

“I’m really sorry about last night, Daisy,” Stan said without any hint of apology in his perfectly cultured voice. I was sure he’d dressed in the pink polo shirt and starched madras pants with painstaking care. “I can usually go longer than that.”

Kill me now.

“It was great,” I lied and gave him a smile that I prayed didn’t look like I was constipated.

Stan was a nice guy with a job. He was extremely good-looking and had the personality of a box of hair. What on earth had I been thinking? Actually, it was the merlot that had done my thinking for me. I was an idiot. Casual sex wasn’t in my wheelhouse. I knew better. And accountants in madras pants didn’t equate to good sex—or even good conversation.

“I was just wondering when we had intimate relations last night… Did you… umm?”

“No. No, I didn’t, but no worries,” I insisted politely while trying desperately to ignore all of the floating entities that had popped up to see the show. Stan had no idea six semi-corporeal strangers were standing behind him watching my mortifying life play out in full color. Far be it from me to clue him in. I knew I was going crazy. No one else needed that info.

“I’d be happy to, you know…” Stan said as he made the peace sign with two fingers and then shoved his tongue between them.

“Good God, no!” I shouted on a gag and then slapped my hand over my mouth as the slightly decaying old man hovering over Stan’s left shoulder laughed like a loon. “I’m good—really. I have to go visit my gram at the nursing home in a bit and then get to work.”

“Can I see you again?” Stan asked as he made sure his meticulously gelled hair was still in place.

It was.

“I think maybe we should just be friends,” I said diplomatically, considering all I wanted him to do was leave.

“Is it because I could only go for ten minutes?” he asked with a slightly perplexed frown on his ridiculously pretty face.

“Actually, it was two minutes,” I corrected him. “But it’s not that at all. It was a very energetic two minutes.”

“Thank you,” he replied with a satisfied smirk.

It was all I could do not to roll my eyes. The laughing dead dude rolled his buggy eyes for me and I almost giggled.

“Welcome. However, I’m not in the right place for a relationship right now. It’s not you. It’s me. You’re just too… umm… perfect for someone else. You deserve someone who likes to shop at preppy stores. I, you know, don’t want to hold you back, and I’m not good at math, so… ahh,” I stuttered, searching for more inane crap to spew. He wasn’t an asshole. He just wasn’t for me.

And I wasn’t ready for any of this. It wasn’t Stan’s fault. I had my own intimacy issues. However, it was all kinds of stupid to have gotten drunk and tried to work them out with someone who was less appealing than eating a full bag of plain rice cakes.

“I see what you mean,” Stan said as he nodded seriously then glanced over at me with pity. “While the sex was outstanding, I’m far smarter than you.”

“I’m sorry… what?”

Correction. He was a complete asshole.

The hanging specters didn’t like that one either. They flew around Stan like a freaking tornado. It was difficult to focus on the boring man on my porch with all the hoopla going on.

“Well, I do have two Masters and my CPA license. And you’re just an attractive widowed paralegal with a great rack,” he said in a socially acceptable, pleasant tone, clearly unaware he was an asshole.

There were several ways to handle the situation. One was to kill him, but I had too much going on to spend any time in prison for murder. Plus, I’d never killed anyone. My fortieth birthday wasn’t a good day to start a life of crime. This was a small town and I didn’t need that kind of reputation. The second was to escort him right out of my life.

I knew exactly how to do that.

“Stan, I’m going to suggest you leave before I tell you that you have a tiny penis and I wasn’t exactly sure we were having sex at all. You wear too much aftershave and if you’re going to manscape, you might want to have a go at your back. So, unless you want to hear all that, you’d better sprint your preppy, pencil-pushing ass off my porch.”

“Can I call you?” he asked through the closed door as I slammed it shut.

I didn’t grace the request with an answer. It was embarrassing and unbelievable that I’d spent even two minutes of time I couldn’t get back on a jackass with a mini man tool who thought he was smarter than me.

God, I missed Steve. I mean, we had our problems, but he wasn’t hairy.

I was done dating. Forever. Forty, widowed and single was starting to sound very good.

Now I just needed to deal with the visible to only me weirdos hanging out in my house. However, I had to give it to them. They were very supportive when Stan was talking smack.

After a full two and a half minutes of contemplative thought—which was thirty seconds longer than Stan’s performance last night—I decided to ignore my uninvited houseguests. I was completely out of coffee and the lack of caffeine made me slightly dangerous. I’d just go on with my day and block out the fact I was hanging on to my sanity by a thread.

* * *

“Turn it up, baby. Bob Barker mumbles and I won’t get the damn price right if I can’t hear the old coot,” Gram shouted from her bed as I slapped my hands over my ears and winced.

“Pot, kettle, black, old lady,” I muttered with a grin as I handed my beloved grandmother her hearing aids. “Try these. Bob’s on fire today.”

“Hate ’em,” she griped as she adjusted her bed so she was sitting more upright. “With those little nuggets in my ears, I can hear every damn sound in this here prison I’m in. Happy Birthday, my Daisy girl!”

“Thank you.” I kissed her wrinkled cheek and breathed in her scent—Ivory soap and dime store perfume. It was the best smell in the world. “You like the bed?”

“Love it. You’re my best girl,” she said with a wink as she smoothed the wild dark hair out of my face. “The love of my life.”

The bed had cost me almost three full paychecks and the nursing home had pitched a fit when I’d moved it in, but I’d prevailed. Gram called her new home a prison, but I was onto her. I knew she secretly loved it. She played poker several nights a week while lying in her new bed and from what I’d heard from the nurses, she was juggling three paramours at the moment.

The visual of my ninety-year-old grandmother with a man-friend was alarming. I pushed it to the section of my brain labeled don’t go there ever. To reprogram the disturbing images, I started folding Gram’s housecoats.

“The show is rigged and I think Bob’s had him a little nip and tuck. However, I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eatin’ crackers,” she informed me and everyone within a five-mile radius.

“I just ate a banana, Gram. Can’t listen to you talking about getting horizontal with Bob Barker,” I said as I nonchalantly glanced around the room and peeked under the bed. Thankfully it was clear—no ghosts and no unattached appendages.

They’d been following me constantly and I wasn’t sure what they wanted. Terrified at first, I’d gotten used to them… kind of. I had no choice really. It was either accept that I’d become a dead-people magnet or buy a straightjacket and commit myself. Hell, I still wasn’t sure they were really there. The only thing I was certain of was that I was losing my marbles.

“Daisy, I can’t do it now cause all my programs are coming on, but I have some stuff you need to know before I become one with the earthworms,” Gram said as she put her hearing aids in and then pulled them right back out.

“You’re not dying anytime soon. If you leave me, I’m traveling straight to Hell and yanking your sorry deaf ass back up here.”

“Hell ain’t so bad. I got a condo with air conditioning reserved.” She cackled with glee until Bob came back on the tube and began describing the final showcase.

I’d had enough of the big wheel and guessing the price of microwaves. The Game Show Network was on 24/7 in Gram’s room. If I had to guess, I’d have to say the episode we were watching was from the 1970s. I had to get to work anyway.

“Gram, I’ll stop by tonight. Make sure you eat today.”

I kissed her forehead. She waved me away as not to miss a second of Bob.

At least she was happy.

I wished I could say the same for myself.

Robyn’s Book List

(in correct reading order)

HOT DAMNED SERIES

Fashionably Dead

Fashionably Dead Down Under

Hell on Heels

Fashionably Dead in Diapers

A Fashionably Dead Christmas

Fashionably Hotter Than Hell

Fashionably Dead and Wed

Fashionably Fanged

Fashionably Flawed

A Fashionably Dead Diary

Fashionably Forever After

Fashionably Fabulous

A Fashionable Fiasco

Fashionably Fooled

More coming soon…

GOOD TO THE LAST DEATH SERIES

It’s A Wonderful Midlife Crisis

Whose Midlife Crisis Is It Anyway?

A Most Excellent Midlife Crisis

SEA SHENANIGANS SERIES

Tallulah’s Temptation

Ariel’s Antics

Misty’s Mayhem

Madison’s Mess

Petunia’s Pandemonium

Jingle Me Balls

SHIFT HAPPENS SERIES

Ready to Were

Some Were in Time

No Were To Run

Were Me Out

Where We Belong

MAGIC AND MAYHEM SERIES

Switching Hour

Witch Glitch

A Witch in Time

Magically Delicious

A Tale of Two Witches

Three’s A Charm

Switching Witches

More coming soon…

A WYLDE PARANORMAL LOVE STORY SERIES

Beauty Loved the Beast

More coming soon…

HANDCUFFS AND HAPPILY EVER AFTERS SERIES

How Hard Can it Be?

Size Matters

Cop a Feel

If after reading all the above you are still wanting more adventure and zany fun, read Pirate Dave and His Randy Adventures, the romance novel budding novelist Rena was helping wicked Evangeline write in How Hard Can It Be?

Warning: Pirate Dave Contains Romance Satire, Spoofing, and Pirates with Two Pork Swords.

About Robyn Peterman

Robyn Peterman writes because the people inside her head won’t leave her alone until she gives them life on paper. Her addictions include laughing really hard with friends, shoes (the expensive kind), Target, Coke Zero Cherry with extra ice in a Styrofoam cup, bejeweled reading glasses, her kids, her super-hot hubby and collecting stray animals.

A former professional actress with Broadway, film and T.V. credits, she now lives in the South with her family and too many animals to count.

Writing gives her peace and makes her whole, plus having a job where you can work in your underpants works really well for her. You can leave Robyn a message via her website and she’ll get back to you as soon as her bizarre life permits! She loves to hear from her fans!

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