Date: 2023-02-23 00:00:00+00:00
Description: No good deed goes unpunished. I learned that lesson the hard way when I agreed to help my friend Justin with a favor. My platonic friend Justin. A favor that helped him with his reputation but turned mine into the trending topic at my school. In a matter of days I go from quiet, nobody to school slut. The problem with that? I'm still a virgin. The whispers, the stares and the constant gossip could bring me down but I'm tired of hiding in the dark, covering up my anxiety and being alone. I decide to take on the bullies and find a few surprising allies along the way; the Allendale Four. Oliver,
Publisher: Angel Lawson Author, LLC

Holding on to Heaven

The Allendale Four

Angel Lawson

If dating four guys in high school was rough, I figured college would only get easier. At least, that was what movies taught me.

Along with the increase in freedom and the decrease of adult supervision, and the addition of a less judgmental environment for sexual experimentation, it had to be better, right?

Those were my thoughts before my graduation party. My only concerns were trying not to get an 8:30 a.m. class, figuring out my meal card, and how to make sure one of the boys didn’t feel left out (oh yeah, that happened.) My biggest other worry involved a talk I wanted to have with the guys about our relationship. It wasn’t like there was anything wrong. No. Things were great. I was just ready to take things to a different level, and talking to one guy about sex was awkward enough, not to mention four.

But then graduation happened and I didn’t even get to have that talk before shit hit the fan. Of course, shit hit the fan. Should I have expected differently? Assumed life would be smooth sailing after the harassment and bullying in high school? Sure, I wanted the fairytale ending. The happily ever after. The riding off in the sunset. I deserved it. My guys deserved it, but none of us are stupid enough to expect it. So, in the end, despite all the progress I’d made, I still had a lot of trust issues. Friend issues. Self-advocation issues and apparently…family issues, cockblocking my way to a happily ever after.

Good thing I still had the Allendale Four.

1

The Mustang rumbled down the road, top down. The rush of the wind felt similar to the rush I felt inside.

“We did it. I can’t believe we did it.” I said, glancing over at Oliver. His hair whipped in the air.

He rested his hand on my knee and squeezed, sending a familiar shock of electricity across my skin. “Can’t believe we graduated?”

“Graduated. Survived. Whatever you want to call it.” I eased out of the blue graduation gown and tossed it and the cap in the back.

The loud roar of an engine barreled next to us, the tall Jeep dwarfing the antique Mustang in its shadow. Hayden smiled down at me from the driver’s seat. Jackson winked and blew me a kiss. Anderson’s green eyes burned into mine and like always, I felt the heat from knowing these guys were mine.

“See you at the house!” Hayden shouted, passing us.

“I also can’t believe my mom is throwing a party,” I said, watching them go. I had no doubt they’re up to something. A surprise? A gift? I’d been suspicious ever since they suggested we take separate cars.

The truth was that I’d been working up to talking to them about something, and every time I thought about it, nerves of apprehension flared in my belly. I’d hoped after a week of exams, graduation activities, parties and preparation, we could finally find some time alone to talk about it, but I had a feeling it would move to the back burner.

Again.

“Your mom has chilled out a lot in the past few months,” Oliver replied. “I think she feels bad for everything getting so out of control in the fall.”

“If her guilt means we get to be together judgment-free, then I’ll deal with a stupid party.”

My mother had been one of the ones to blame the Allendale Four for the bullying and harassment that happened to me earlier in the year. She freaked out and kept me from them, which led to some scary moments with my depression and anxiety. But between finding out the truth--that it had really been her boss’s stepson--and getting to know the guys a little better, (and that they weren’t just with me to get in my pants—okay maybe a little bit, but the feeling was mutual) she’d relaxed.

Oliver glanced over at me, eyebrow raised. We were a block over from my house and there was no mistaking the line of cars on the side of the road. My mom had invited a surprising number of people. After the scrutiny of the last year—the Fakestagram accounts and making new friends—other people didn’t panic me so much anymore.

Or at least that was my thought, until Oliver turned in the driveway and his fingers linked with mine—more for support than anything else. An older model, but still shiny, black Mercedes sat next to my mother’s beat-up truck.

I squeezed Oliver’s hand. Tight.

“That’s my…” I looked over at him; my heart beating irrationally. Excitement. Fear. Anxiety. Oliver nodded, but a line of stress furrowed between his eyebrows. He’d known.

“Surprise…your dad’s here.” He lifted my fingers to his mouth and kissed the back of my hand, fully aware of my shock. “Your mom made us promise and you know we’ve been working to get on her good side—you know, trying to ease her into the idea we’re all going to school together.”

Surely, dating one guy had its own set of issues. Dating four? Not only are there relationship challenges, time management, and regular drama, but navigating other people and their expectations was hard. I’d love to just say fuck it. Fuck them, but it wasn’t entirely realistic. Especially when I was still living at home and depended upon my parents’ money to pay for college.

I watched as Hayden, Jackson, and Anderson walked down the driveway. Hayden Pierce is tall and muscular—star goalie of the Allendale soccer team and recipient of a full scholarship to the University. Matching in height is Anderson Thompson—with his lean swimmer’s body; all torso and broad shoulders. His reddish-brown hair glinted in the fading sunlight. Between them walked Jackson Hall, blonde with a swagger and smile that threatened to break the heart of any girl that crossed his path.

Normally, the three oozed an unstoppable confidence. They had each other. They had me. But today, there was an apprehension in their moves, and I followed their gaze to the front porch.

“It’ll be fine,” Oliver said, eyes glued to the man standing under the “Congratulations!” banner. My father stood there in an expensive suit, watching me—us. “At least he’s not holding a shotgun.”

“Don’t count on it,” I muttered, wavering between the desire to laugh or cry. The guys didn’t know my dad, what he was capable of, and why he’d vanished from our lives in the first place.

Now I couldn’t help but wonder why he was back.

* * *

John Reeves wasn’t an imposing man, at least, not physically. The Allendale boys dwarfed him, but he carried a gravitas that exceeded size. In a word, he was charismatic. Something that had both helped and hurt him in life.

That charisma had mostly just hurt me and my mom, and seeing him in the yard was a shock.

“Heaven,” he said, spreading his arms wide.

“Hi, Daddy.” As much as I didn’t want to fall into his embrace, I couldn’t help myself. He was my dad and he’d been gone for seven years. Seven long years. Tears threatened to spill over, just from the emotion of it all. He squeezed me tight, the kind of bear-hug only a father could give. My mom stood quietly in the corner, happy, but apprehensive. This was big for her, too.

“Let me get a look at you,” he said, pushing me back. I’m in a graduation dress—a hand-me down from Amber. It was a sundress with thin straps at the top, and a full floral skirt. The top was a sweetheart shape, slightly more revealing than I’d like him to see me in. He assessed me and suddenly I felt like a child, not an eighteen-year-old on my way to college. Not a woman with experiences of my own, but the little girl that watched as her father left and her life fell apart.

I spotted the disapproval in his eyes but he said nothing about it other than, “You’ve grown into a beautiful young woman, Heaven.”

I eyed my father, his skin a warm tan. He looked relaxed, and his expensive car, clothing, and accessories were out of place on our shabby porch.

“You look good, too.”

“God was good for me while I was gone.” He cast Mom a glance and her cheeks flushed. I didn’t like it. I also didn’t like it when he looked over my shoulder at the boys. They’d been uncharacteristically quiet since they got out of the car. “And who are these young men?”

“Daddy, these are my friends.” I introduced them individually, making sure not to linger on anyone too long. They showed no fear as they each shook his hand, bringing a swell of pride to my chest. Amber and Benjamin strolled up and I almost sighed in relief to be able to introduce them as well. Anything to take the focus off the boys. I stole a glance at my mother, but her stoic expression told me she hadn’t revealed the truth of my relationship with them.

Not yet.

And he never would know, if I could help it.

My father stared at everyone, trying to place faces and who they were and what they meant to me. “It’s wonderful to see that Heaven has found a family here in Allendale. My own community of Oceanside has always been important to me. A sense of belonging is important.”

“Kids, there’s a bunch of food and drinks in the back,” my mom said, going full hostess. “I know you’re starving after the ceremony.”

“Thanks, Ms. Reeves,” Amber said, pulling Benjamin behind her. The boys looked at me and I nodded, knowing I needed one more minute with my mom.

When we were alone, I stepped close. “What is he doing here?”

She wrung her hands. “I don’t know, Heaven, but he’s here and he’s your father. He wanted to be here.”

The hurt in her voice was evident. It should be. He’s tanned and relaxed while she’d been working double shifts at the police station to help pay for food on the table and save for college.

“We’ll get through this,” I told her. “And get on with our lives.”

She nodded but grabbed my arm. “No matter what, Heaven, do not let him know about what’s really going on with those boys. I’m okay with your decision. I know you trust them and I do too, but your father? He won’t see it that way. You know how he is.”

I looked down at the man I hadn’t seen in seven years as he spoke quietly to my mother’s supervisor and knew she was right. We’ll get through today, keep quiet about our lives, and hopefully he’ll disappear for another seven years.

2

“So,” Amber said, cornering me in the kitchen, “did you get a chance to talk to them?”

“No, not yet,” I whispered back. “And with my dad here, I don’t see it happening.”

“Well, it can wait. I mean, it’s important, but not like, life or death, or anything.”

No, what I wanted to talk to the guys about wasn’t life or death. Just, you know, relationship important. It could definitely wait. If I ever got up the courage.

“Why are you so worried about it? I’d think they’d be into you wanting to expand your, uh,” she lowered her voice, “level of intimacy.”

I looked around, making sure no one heard that, but we were alone. “It’s weird. I mean, can you imagine talking to Benjamin about the fact he’s holding back on you?”

She nodded sympathetically. “Yeah, that’s not a problem.”

“Of course, it’s not,” I whispered. “What are the odds I have four—count them—four boyfriends that all want to take it slow?”

“You and Anderson have sex, right?”

My stomach fluttered at the mention of it. “Yeah, but I can tell he’s restraining himself.” I leaned against the counter. My cheeks burned before I got the next comment out of my mouth, but it was driving me crazy and I had to talk to someone about it. “They’re big guys. Athletic. Strong. Is it wrong that I want them to use a little of that power on me?”

Amber shook her head. “Not at all. Maybe it’s just an access thing—we all still live at home—even Oliver in that apartment of his. Once we leave for school, you’ll have way more time together and the opportunity for privacy.”

I smiled at Amber. We’d only become friends this year, after she stood up for me with the bullying and harassment, but she got me. We could talk about almost anything; school, guys, sex…we’d even agreed to room together at the University.

“Heaven,” my dad said, walking into the room. Amber tensed in his presence. “I’d hoped we’d have time to spend together this summer, but I hear you’re starting school in a few weeks.”

“That would have been great,” I lied, “but yeah, we got early admission. Amber and I both start the summer semester in mid-June. Gives us a leg up on the rest of the freshmen class.”

Truthfully, I didn’t want to stick around Allendale without the guys. They all had athletic obligations and had to arrive at school for conditioning and pre-season training. I won’t deny that a summer of freedom in the co-ed dorms seemed like a great way to start.

Not that the guys would be living there. Just me and Amber. They all had to stay in athletic housing. It was good, though. I loved my boys, but a little space to experience college wasn’t a bad idea. The past year taught me about being comfortable in my own skin—branching out and experiencing new things. I wanted that from college and from the boys I loved.

Living in the co-ed dorm would make things less noticeable, though. No curfews or rules on male visitors. I couldn’t wait for the experience.

My dad leaned against the counter. He’d taken off his jacket and rolled the sleeves of his crisp white shirt up over his elbows, revealing an expensive gold watch. With his tie removed, I could see the cross around his neck, the one he’s worn since he was a teenager and committed his life to Jesus at church camp. Just having my father so close by made me uncomfortable. In many ways he was a stranger, but I also knew about his expectations. His beliefs, and I had no doubt he could ferret out mine quickly.

* * *

“Heaven can you grab that bag of ice in the laundry room?”

“Sure, Mom,” I said, slipping through the kitchen to the adjoining laundry room. The ice was in the freezer and I opened the top door to find it.

I felt the presence of a body behind me and an arm slipped around my waist. My senses were overwhelmed with the warm scent of soap mingled with the slight tinge of chlorine.

“Need any help?” Anderson asked, kissing me on the neck.

My knees wobbled but my stomach twisted with nerves and I pulled away, looking toward the door. He glanced over his shoulder. “Something wrong?”

I felt the hard muscle of his abs beneath his dress shirt and the pressure of his fingers against my hips. All I wanted was to run away with these guys, feel their bodies, and wrap myself in the safety of their arms. But that wasn’t realistic, and their sense of overprotectiveness was already a bit of an issue.

“Having my dad here freaks me out a little.”

His green eyes held mine and I noticed the tic of irritation in his jaw. “Is there something you’re not telling us? Because you know we’ve got your back.”

I touched his cheek. “I know, babe, thank you. My dad is just complicated. Having him back in our lives is unexpected. I just need to get used to it.”

“I can understand that. You and your mom have been alone for a long time.” My mom. I couldn’t believe she let him back in the house. But then again…was it really a surprise? She’d never had much self-control when he was around.

“I just like how things are, you know?”

“Change makes you nervous. I may have a little experience with that.” He bent down and kissed me softly on the lips, slipping his tongue into my mouth.

I twisted his shirt in my hands. “Speaking of changes, I uh, kind of wanted to talk to you guys about something.”

His eyebrow rose curiously. “Yeah?”

“Later, when we’re alone.”

My mom shouted from the other room. “Heaven!”

“Coming!”

Anderson grabbed the ice out of the freezer and lifted it over his shoulder. I didn’t miss the way my father watched us as we walked back in the room. Or the way my mother tried to divert his attention. I also didn’t miss how Anderson’s hand brushed against my lower back, making my stomach fill with butterflies.

All it took was one night and my life got really, really complicated.

* * *

“Dude, so what was that all about?”

Amber and I were in the truck, headed back to her house for a sleepover. Well, not true. We were really both going to our boyfriend’s houses—her, Benjamin and me, Oliver’s.

“You mean the fit my dad just had about me leaving?”

“Uh, yeah. That and the fact he was here at all.” She turned to face me. “There seemed to be some tension.”

That was one way to put it. “My dad is…spoiled? I guess. I don’t know. He just likes to control things and he’s been gone so long he hasn’t realized I’m an adult now.”

He’d been angry that I wanted to leave after the party, but Mom had already given me permission to spend the night out. I was proud of her for sticking to her guns, before he left she never would have done that. But if he found out about me and the guys…

I didn’t want to think about it.

“He was nice and he said he was going to get us a TV for the dorm room, which is totally unnecessary, but still.”

I didn’t want to tell her that things from my dad came with strings attached. You never knew when you’d have to pay up.

Amber reached for my hand and squeezed it. “Look, I know you’re a worrier. That’s what you do, but we’ve graduated, we’ve made it into a great school and things are going to be awesome.”

I smiled, wanting to believe her, but I had a hard time ignoring the gnawing feeling in my gut, that everything I’d worked so hard for over the last year was about to implode.

I dropped her off at Benjamin’s with an agreement to meet at the diner by nine the next morning to cover our bases. Allendale was a small town so it didn’t take long for me to get to Oliver’s house. His father and step-mother showed up for the actual graduation but were leaving for Europe in the morning. Every light in the main house was out, so I used my phone to light my way down the back driveway.

Sleepovers were rare, and despite popular gossip, I didn’t fuck all the guys at once and we definitely didn’t have orgies. For god’s sake, we’re eighteen and I’d just lost my virginity six months before. Sure, I was more comfortable with myself now, but four guys at once? Nope. Not happening. What people didn’t get was that my relationship with all the guys was an individual one as well as a group. What happened in one bedroom wasn’t discussed together. And the truth was that even though I was really close with each of them, I hadn’t had sex with anyone but Anderson.

That was something I hoped to remedy soon.

Despite the raging hormones and increased tension, we made a rule that when we’re all together it was nothing more than a hangout. With snuggling. And usually a shit-ton of food because my boys eat like the world may run out tomorrow.

Jackson met me at the door, taking my bag from my hand.

“Hey babe,” he said, leaning in for a quick kiss. Behind him was the usual set up. Bags of snacks littered across the coffee table, despite the fact they just ate at my house. Hayden and Oliver were involved in an intense video game (I guess. Seriously, I couldn’t keep up.), while Anderson lounged on the couch and scrolled through his phone. He looked up when I entered and winked.

It was a relief to be here with them like this, but also hard since I knew it was probably the last time before we all left for school. Anderson was right. I didn’t like change—not at all—and I felt the shadow of anxiety tickling at the back of my mind.

“You’ve got to see this,” Jackson said, pulling me into the house. I followed him across the living room to Oliver’s bedroom. The bed itself was gone.

“What is this?” I asked, processing the room. The whole floor was covered in pillows and blankets. Er, maybe I’d been wrong about that orgy thing.

Jackson dropped my bag on the floor and slipped his arms around my waist, pulling me close. “Oliver did it. He wanted a way for us to all be close before we head off to school. It’s a big change for all of us. Hayden’ll be in full training for his fall season once he gets there. Anderson’s swim season never ends, and Oliver and I will be in the thick of it with the baseball team.”

I looked over his shoulder and saw the others. Hayden dropped his controller and jumped on Anderson’s back. Oliver shouted for them to stop being so rough, but he barreled toward them, knocking both guys to the ground. I couldn’t help but laugh at their silly horseplay and I didn’t miss the wistful glint in Jackson’s eye.

Change sucked and an intense shudder of anxiety gripped me.

“Heaven,” Anderson said, escaping Hayden’s grip. “Are you okay? Is it what you wanted to talk to us about?”

Their eyes lit up and every one of them focused on me. Here was my chance to let them know I was ready for more with them. I wanted to step outside the box, but all of that seemed stupid in light of my father coming back and the change ahead.

I felt the noose tightening about my neck.

“Is it your dad?” Oliver asked.

They had to know the truth—or some of it. I walked into the middle of the bedding and sat down, gesturing for them to follow.

“I need to tell you something.” My hands shook and Hayden took one in his own to settle me.

Jackson touched my back. “Babe, you can tell us anything.”

No, I couldn’t, but they had to know enough to stay safe. “So, here’s the thing, my dad is…pretty charismatic.”

“He’s a preacher, right?”

“He is, an evangelist and also a crook. When I was ten he was busted for stealing money from the church in Oceanside. He had a drug addiction and a whole heap of bad habits.”

“Holy shit,” Jackson said.

“The church agreed not to press charges if he joined their prison mission team, which involved traveling around the country preaching in prisons and to the less fortunate.”

Hayden’s eyebrows shot up. “Prisons? Like Johnny Cash.”

“Shut up, dude,” Anderson said, smacking him on the arm.

“I wish. No, he’s nothing more than a petty thief and a con-man. He grew up in the oppressively religious town of Oceanside, and since the church covered for him and it appeared as though he left me and my mom, the town assumed we were the sinners. That’s why we moved to Allendale.” I took a deep breath. “I had no idea he was back. I doubt my mom knew either, until he showed up.”

“Wow, that’s pretty intense,” Oliver said. “Why didn’t you tell us about any of this?”

I shook my head, fighting back tears. “Because it’s embarrassing and weird. I grew up with a lot of rules and shame was a common punishment. You guys were so different. So accepting. I didn’t want to drag my past into our relationship.”

Jackson spoke up. “He seemed excited to see you and he’s taken an interest with school and everything. That can’t be bad.”

“My father has a way of manipulating people—things—and situations. He’s very controlling. He believes in one set of rules for the women in his life and a whole other for himself.”

“You’re afraid he’ll find out about us?”

And what he’d do to me or them if he found out.

I nodded. “We can’t let him find out. And you can’t engage him, do you understand? If he shows up asking for a favor or offers you a job of any kind, say no.”

Anderson’s forehead creased. “Heaven, is he dangerous?”

Physically, no. Emotionally…

His green eyes held mine and I had no doubt he understood me. He grabbed my free hand and said, “If you want us to stay clear of him, that’s fine. We can do that. And as much as none of us want to hide our relationship, we’d already decided to take things slow at school. None of us want you to go through the stuff that happened at Allendale.”

“Yep,” Oliver agreed. “We’re just your amazing group of BFFs that, you know, can’t keep our hands off of you.”

“Thank you. I hate dragging you into anything involving him or my family.”

“Babe, you are our family,” Jackson replied.

Hayden leaned over and kissed my ear, sending a chill down my spine that replaced the anxiety with something different—better. We’d get through this like we’ve managed every other obstacle over the past year.

Together.

3

“Is that what you’re going to wear?” my mother asked as I came down the stairs.

I shot her a look, then one down at my dress. It was a summer sundress that hit just below my knees and had criss-cross straps over my back. Zero cleavage. “What’s wrong with this?”

Her outfit didn’t escape me. I had no idea what corner of her closet she pulled it from, but she should have left it there. It was navy blue. The skirt was long and down to her ankles. A heavy cardigan covered her plain top. The outfit was bland, boring, and shapeless.

I touched the railing, feeling the strongest sense of déjà vu I’d ever had.

“Mom. My dress is fine. What are you wearing?”

We stared hard at one another before she said, “I just don’t want to cause any problems.”

“Mom, we fought long and hard to get away from that church. If it were up to me we would not go back today, but I understand you want to go support Dad. I can do that, but I’m not changing who I am.”

She nodded, straightening her top. I could see the panic in her eyes. She didn’t want to go either but my father…damn him, he got under her skin. One week back and he’d wormed his way into our lives, showing up at the house, sitting at our table drinking coffee and reminiscing about old times. Then Friday he asked us to come to the church and support him on his first Sunday back.

I couldn’t believe my mother said yes.

She said yes and it was like the last seven years came crashing down.

Except, I thought, swallowing back, I had a week before leaving Allendale for school. If I worked hard and stayed focused, maybe I’d never have to come back here again.

“Hold on,” I said, running upstairs. I grabbed a light sweater out of the closet and came back down. My mother saw it and sighed in relief. “I’m not changing for him,” I declared.

“I don’t want you to.” I believed her.

My only real concern was if my father would accept it.

* * *

Entering the church was like going back in time. The smell, the sounds, the people. Nothing had changed. The walls were the same wood paneling, and yellowing stained glass blocked out most of the sun. The sanctuary felt stuffy and I irrationally gulped for air before walking in. My father combed the aisles, greeting parishioners as they took their seats on the hard, wooden pews. These people filed in up the center row, dressed in the same dark, drab clothing as my mother. Straight hair. No makeup. Ankle-grazing skirts.

Now I understood my mother’s reaction to my sundress better. I wasn’t one of the sheep. I buttoned the cardigan and noticed the head minister, Preacher Billips, with his white hair and face with hard lines of judgement sitting in the ornate chair by the pulpit.

Daddy walked straight toward us, smile bright on his face. It didn’t travel to his eyes; no, that part of him was assessing, our hair, our clothes, our expressions. Did we meet his standards? Did we represent him properly? I knew I had too much eyeliner under my eyes, too many rings in my ears.

I smoothed the front of my skirt and plastered a nervous smile on my face.

“Hi, Daddy,” I said, wanting to please him. Why? Why did I do it? His judgment ceased and he smiled genuinely.

“Hey, baby girl, you look beautiful. Thank you for coming.” He took my mother’s hand and squeezed it. I felt the oppressive stare of every eye in the church on us.

And then he was gone—speaking to others walking in the door.

It was like nothing had changed. Like he’d never been sent away to repent for his sins. In my mind I’m transformed into a little girl, sitting on the same hard pew, listening as Preacher Billips droned on and on about hellfire and redemption. I didn’t know what it meant then, but now…my skin itched thinking of all the eyes on me.

Did they know about Justin? About me? About the lies and rumors that followed?

I swallowed nervously as the music came to a halt and Preacher Billips came down from his throne and told the story of the prodigal son. He rested his hand on my father’s shoulder and it was clear all was forgiven.

The church had taken him back. He bought his way in by saving souls, and god knows whatever shady scams he implemented along the way. I’d learned a lot in the last year about trusting my instincts, about looking past the exterior to the heart and soul of a person, and everything about my father set me on alert.

“Thank you for the warm welcome,” he said, smiling the preacher and across the sanctuary. “I can’t wait to share my experiences from outside this wonderful community with you all, but most of all I’m grateful to be back home with my family.”

The family he left.

The family this congregation shunned.

I plastered on a brave face, because that was who I was. My father’s eyes connected with my own, and I realized that I learned that skill from him.

* * *

“Heaven, it’s wonderful to see you again,” an older woman said as I stood outside the church in the sweltering heat. If only I could take off my sweater. Oh wait. I can. I did.

“Nice to see you, too,” I said to the woman I didn’t recognize. Her eyes skimmed over my bare arms and the faint scars that were still visible. I smiled tightly.

“I see you’re still a spit-fire, like your mother.”

My mother was standing with my father, falling right into the role of minister’s wife. Nausea rolled through my stomach.

“I guess I am.”

The gray-haired lady looked up as my parents approached. She raised her eyebrows at my dad. “Just saying hello to your daughter. I’m hoping things settle down for her now that you’re back home.”

He doesn’t respond to that but his eyes set on me and I squirmed as he sent her on her way.

“I see everyone here is as judgmental as ever,” I said, feeling no shame.

“They mean well,” he replied. “Following God’s will is a challenge, Heaven. Even for the most faithful.”

He was so smug.

“Well, this was great and everything,” I said, “but now that the dog and pony show is over, I really need to get back. Amber and I leave in a few days and I have a bunch of stuff to pack.”

“I’ll go get the car, sweetie,” my mother says, making a break for it. I don’t blame her.

My father grabbed me gently by the elbow. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about your housing accommodations at the university.”

“What about them?”

“I took the liberty of contacting the school and learned you’d signed up for co-ed housing?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Well, I changed it to the all-girls dormitory.”

“You—you can’t do that. Amber and I already got our dorm assignment.”

“I’m aware of that,” he said. “But since I’m paying for your education now, I feel like I have the right to some of the decisions being made—and co-ed housing is out.”

“You’re paying for my education?”

I almost laughed. He hadn’t paid for anything since he was gone. Not a dime.

“Yes, since I’ve returned here as associate pastor, Oceanside has offered me a generous salary. I’ve also spoken to your mother. It will be a huge relief to her to have assistance on this.”

I swallowed. My mother had been working hard to cover just the first semester of school and financial aid was taking care of the rest. I’d planned on getting a job for extra expenses. But if Mom didn’t have to pay, then she could stop taking double-shifts. She could rest a little.

“Mom knows about this?” I asked.

“I ran it by her.”

Which means he told her what was happening. This was how he always was. Bossy and controlling.

“I can’t back out on Amber.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to. Your friend should stay in appropriate housing as well. If it makes it better, I secured you a suite in the new Stetson Hall. Comes with a bathroom and a kitchenette.”

I blinked. “Those are impossible to get.”

He shrugged. “Someone owed me a favor. I secured you two a room to share. How does that sound?”

“No extra cost?” I asked. Amber’s parents aren’t broke, but Stetson Hall is the most expensive dorm on campus.

“None.” He smiled, knowing he’d snared me like a hare. “Like I said, someone on campus owed me a favor. It’s all taken care of.”

A favor? I didn’t want to know what kind of business dealings my father had on campus. Just because he was religious didn’t mean he was legit.

My mother drove up to the curb and waved.

“I’ll do this,” I said, “because Mom needs a break. But don’t think you can walk back into my life and change whatever you want.”

He glanced around, making sure no one was listening. “I know you’re angry I’ve been gone.”

“I’m not angry, Daddy. It just is what it is. We’ve moved on. I’m not the same girl you left all those years ago.”

I kept my eyes on my father, knowing he’d just manipulated his way back in my life. I bit back the fear it gave me, the anxiety blossoming in my chest.

“A girl needs her father,” he said, watching me walk to the car. I sat in the front seat and clarity hit me like a bolt of lightning.

My father wasn’t here just for work, to build the church. No, he was back in our lives, and I had the feeling it would be harder than ever to escape him a second time.

4

Two Months Later

After a relatively quiet summer and acclimating to college life, the campus changed drastically with the fall semester. The students returned in droves, the quiet halls turned into echo chambers of laughter, shouts, and roommate squabbles. So far though, college had given me the taste of personal freedom I’d been looking for. No curfew. No suddenly returning fathers. And no checkered past. Amber and I still got along well (other than a brief fight over who ate the last Oreo—it was Jackson) and our other suitemates seemed…okay.

“So, the guys are headed over to a party at Hayden’s frat house after workouts,” Jackson said, running his nose along the column of my neck. Chills ran down every inch of my body and it took everything in me not to drag him through the common area and back to my room.

The best I managed was fisting my hands in his shirt and croaking, “Yeah?”

“You and Amber are welcome to come.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You know I’m not really a party-goer.”

“You may not like parties, Heav, but parties definitely like you.”

Two girls passed us in the hallway, their eyes skimming Jackson’s lanky frame. My father may have signed me up for an all-female dorm, but men were allowed in before curfew.

I cut my eyes at them in warning and they both looked away.

He noticed and laughed against my neck. “I love it when you’re possessive.”

“Yeah? I’ve had to work quadruple time for the last two months. I’m about to tag you all with a tattoo.”

“Property of Heaven Reeves.” He licked his bottom lip. “I like it. But it seems like it goes against our ‘no public declarations’ agreement.”

Fuck that agreement, I wanted to say, but I stepped back instead. I hated that we had to hide our relationship in an environment where hook-ups and sexual experimentation was the norm. None of them had John Reeves, Oceanside Community Church Associate Minister, as their dad.

My father had been fairly MIA since I’d arrived. Just a few phone calls and texts. He’d moved back down to Oceanside to start his job of saving souls and bilking his congregation. He seemed busy, which was good. Less time for him to keep track of me.

Jackson’s phone chimed—most likely Oliver in warning about their training session that started in fifteen minutes.

“Meet you guys around nine?”

“I’ll ask Amber if she wants to go.”

He nodded and gave me a quick kiss. Jackson, out of the four, was the biggest fan of PDA. Everything about him dripped of sexy confidence and it definitely made him hard to resist despite our agreements otherwise.

“So how long have you two been dating?” Ruthie asked after I caught my breath and came back in the room. She’s a short girl with curvy hips and fiery red hair. She had a way of carrying herself that made me feel immature and consistently underdressed. Her side of the suite is covered in fashion magazine photos and supermodels. Whereas mine was a montage of photos from back home, movie posters, and Hayden’s artwork. Needless to say, we didn’t have a lot in common.

Amber and I shared a look. I might be a chicken but I just wasn’t ready to tell them about my relationship status. For the first time in a year, I felt the freedom of not having everyone know all of my business. “A while.”

“He’s hot.” She looked up from her magazine. I couldn’t help but stare at her acrylic nails and how she looked like an insect while flipping through the pages. “What about his friend? The one in the baseball shirt. I saw him with you guys in the coffee shop.”

“That’s Oliver. He’s uh, got a girlfriend from back home,” Amber said, covering for me. I smiled at her gratefully.

Samantha, tall and slim with amazing curly dark hair, walked out of their room and joined in the conversation. “Oh well, poor thing. The girls will line up for him. They’ll probably break up by Thanksgiving.”

“Doubtful,” Amber replied. “He’s super loyal and head-over-heels for this girl.”

“Sure.” She tossed the book aside. “Maybe. But lesser men have succumbed for a taste of college pussy.”

Amber and I wrinkled our nose at the word, not because we’re prudes but…well yeah, maybe we were.

Once Samantha and Ruthie left the room, I asked, “Jackson wants us to go to a party at Hayden’s fraternity tonight, you in?”

She and Ben were trying their relationship long distance—and with the open agreement to date others. It’d been a hard adjustment but she’d been flirting with the idea of going out.

“Sure.”

Samantha leaned her head out. “Did you say frat party?”

I picked at the fringe on my jean shorts. “Uh, well one of our friends is in the soccer frat and…”

“We’re in,” she said. Ruthie squealed from the other room. “What time?”

“Nine? He said nine.” My eyes darted to Amber’s but she just shrugged. It wasn’t a big deal to her but letting these girls into my personal life? After last year it was hard. Really hard, but college was new and these weren’t the judgmental jerks I grew up with. Maybe they wouldn’t care.

If they found out. I had no plans at all of them finding out.

“Great, be ready at nine,” I told them, and they squealed again before slamming their door.

I groaned and leaned back in my seat. “So, first frat party,” Amber said. She looked more excited than I thought she would—being the major feminist. I can only imagine frat parties fall onto her patriarchal shit list.

“Any idea what you’re going to wear?” she asked me and I groaned again, falling back on the couch. “Come on.” She laughed and grabbed my hand. The weird thing about Amber was that, for a girl out to beat the patriarchal system, she sure loved to dress up for a party.

5

Surprisingly, Ruthie and Samantha were ready on time, overly dressed in glittery tops and skin-tight jeans. Not that I’d judge, because I wouldn’t. Women had the right to dress however they want, and if they felt like donning sparkly tank tops and wedgie-inducing pants, then more power to them.

It was late summer and I wore a gray, cotton halter that tied behind my neck and high-waisted shorts, with little diagonal buttons down the hips. I pulled my brown hair into a messy bun and slipped wide silver hoops in my ears. Leaning into the bathroom mirror I applied a deep red lipstick—one that Anderson told me he liked—and glanced over my shoulder at Amber.

I laughed at her T-shirt. “Nice one.”

“You’re really wearing that?” Ruthie asked, when she caught sight of her.

Amber held it out so the words were more visible.

Feminism is My Second Favorite “F” Word

The white shirt was knotted at the waist and she wore it with cut-off jean shorts. Her black hair hung over her shoulders in two braids. She was fierce but adorable.

“Sure, why not?” Amber asked.

“It’s just a little…political?”

Amber rolled her eyes. “If someone can’t handle my politics, then he can’t handle me.”

Ruthie walked past me, grabbing her bag and stopping when she saw the scar on my upper arm. “Ouch. What happened?”

“Accident,” I said, covering it self-consciously with my hand, although I hadn’t cut myself in months. I still felt the shame of that weak moment.

Our dorm was in the middle of campus and fraternity row was about a half a mile away. After the third hill I’m glad that I wore my Converse instead of heels like Ruthie and Samantha. Truthfully, I’d made that mistake at a party before and I didn’t plan on doing it again.

Music pulsed down the street, vibrating and loud before we even arrived. Groups of students walked up and down the street headed to different parties. The whole thing gave me flashes of PTSD and I kept looking for Spencer or Mark to stumble out of one of the massive homes, secretly recording all my moves. Spencer wasn’t here, though. After doing a short stint in juvie, his probation required him to stay close to Allendale for the next year.

“Why did we come again?” I asked.

Amber linked her arm with mine. “Because Jackson talked you into it and you have a very hard time saying no to that boy.”

I rolled my eyes—mostly at myself, because that was true. “Too bad he doesn’t have the same problem.”

“Still haven’t talked to them?” she asked.

“No. Not yet.”

As we approached the loud party it didn’t seem like tonight would be the night, either. Hayden’s frat wasn’t exactly typical since it was made up of just the soccer players. He’d spent the last few weeks juggling his practice schedule, rushing, and initiations. I thought the other guys may get upset knowing he’d be with new friends and teammates, but their bond was stronger than that. I just hated how busy he was all the time.

“Hey,” I said, sidling up to Anderson, who was waiting out front. He looked amazing. Tall and lean. If the other girls knew about the swimmer’s body he had hidden under that light blue T-shirt, they’d lose their minds.

He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a hug. In my ear he whispered, “You look fantastic and a little nervous.”

“You too.” Parties weren’t Anderson’s thing any more than they were mine. But we supported one another and Hayden invited us. We couldn’t say no.

He pulled back and said hello to Amber and the other girls. They eyed us suspiciously. Ruthie didn’t hold back. “Another handsome boyfriend? You’ve got to teach me your methods.”

Anderson had never been one to play it cool. He was incredibly literal. Loyal. And incapable of lying. Thankfully, Amber interrupted. “Hey Anderson, I didn’t think they let you guys out past six. Don’t you have to get up at dawn for training?”

“Oh, you swim, right?” Samantha asked. “Heaven mentioned she had a friend on the swim team.”

“Olympic development,” I added. “He doesn’t drink. Or party. Or really do anything fun. Total nerd.”

He feigned hurt, but it was enough to make my suitemates head up the path to the house. Amber winked and followed.

He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his chest. His voice was low and deadly. “I may not do anything fun, but I do you.”

His jaw tensed, like he was seconds from breaking the deal for no public displays. Anderson was right. He did do me and it was amazing. Every time I looked at him, a small knot of want twisted in my belly.

“So,” I said, easing away from him, because now was not the time nor place. “Since you’ll be heading to bed soon, we probably should go find the others. Check out Hayden’s new digs?”

His eyes held mine for a beat longer. “That’s the plan—unless you had something else in mind?”

“Nope. This is perfect. And be nice,” I said, then added, “And no flirting with other girls. And no drinking because you do have to get up early tomorrow.”

His forehead furrowed and it was adorable. “Since when do I flirt with other girls?” I looked up on the porch of the house where a dozen college girls stood around. All beautiful. Many available. He sighed and rubbed his neck. The Allendale Four were well acquainted with female attention.

“You may not flirt with them, but I suspect you’ll have the opportunity.” I smiled mischievously. “It’s not fair to lead them on.”

“Don’t worry, I suspect I’ll spend most of my time keeping Jackson and Hayden from punching any guy that looks your way.”

“College is going to be tough, isn’t it?”

I knew he wouldn’t cheat, but a guy like Anderson? He was drop-dead gorgeous. Chiseled jaw, brilliant eyes, killer body. Oh, and he was broody, which drove me absolutely fucking crazy all through high school—so I got the appeal. He’d have a million girls chasing him around by the end of the night, and the ones not chasing him would be eyeing the others. But we would deal with it. We’d all deal with it.

A hulking figure pushed through the crowd on the porch. “Excuse me. Sorry. Oops! That was your foot, sorry man.” Hayden appeared, beaming down on us with a smile.

“Heaven!” he called, running down the stairs and giving me a massive hug. He lifted me in his strong arms. “You came.”

“Of course I came,” I said, rolling my eyes, well aware of the scene we were making. I tapped his shoulder. “Can you put me down?”

“I can, but I sure as hell don’t want to.”

Jackson appeared at the top of the steps, holding two cups. “Dude, put Heaven down.” He did so reluctantly and Jackson gave me the drink. It was a fruity spiked punch. Anderson sighed. Drunk Heaven was trouble. We all knew it. Anderson’s shoes knew it. The side of his car knew it. I held the cup in my hand.

“I promise I will not puke on you, okay?”

He shook his head. “God, don’t remind me.”

Jackson grabbed Anderson by the arm and winked. “Come on, Oliver’s playing Amber in Jenga. Let’s go watch her kick his ass.”

Hayden stood over me, tall and massive.

“So this is your new house?” I asked, trying to see it past the people and garbage all over the yard.

“Yep,” he shoved his hands in his jean pockets. “You want the grand tour?”

Our eyes connected, because yeah, I wanted the tour, and to see his room and to be alone with him. That’s why I came. No one would miss us. Not in a crowd this size.

With his hands still in his pockets, Hayden led the way.

* * *

The last time I went into a bedroom with a guy at a party, my whole life flipped upside down. Today that wasn’t the case, because I didn’t know anyone here, no one in college cared if I went off with a hot guy. It didn’t hurt that I had a few well-placed friends in the crowd that had my back.

“I’ve missed you,” he said the instant the door shut. The music and voices from outside sounded muffled through the door. One side of the room was a wreck—his roommate’s—while his bed was wrinkled but made.

“I miss you too. Soccer sucks.” I pushed him against the wall, craving the feel of his body.

“Hey, don’t blame soccer.”

I looked up and smiled. He loved his sport, but from the glint in his eye and the hard bulge in his pants, not as much as he loved me.

If anyone would go along with my plan to escalate our relationship it would be Hayden, I was sure. I pushed up on my toes and kissed him hard, tasting the beer on his tongue. His hands gripped my waist, fingers pressing against my skin. His breathing grew rapid, his movements rough. I thumbed the button on his pants and his breath caught. His fingers wove into my hair and I kissed him again and again and again. He swung me around, carrying me to the small bed and throwing me down, eliciting a squeal. God, I wanted him so bad.

Hayden was huge; tall and broad. He held his upper body up as his hips ground into me. Butterflies filled my belly and his lips were so desperately hungry. I wanted him so bad and there was zero doubt he felt the same.

I hooked my thumbs in my waistband and his eyes glazed over for a brief second and I thought I had him, really had him, but instead he groaned and turned away.

“What?” I said, over my pounding heart. He ran his hand over his face. I stood up and he took a step back.

“We should go back downstairs.”

“You’re kidding.” He didn’t answer. “No really, you’re kidding, right?”

“I should go back downstairs.” He didn’t look me in the eye. Couldn’t.

“What’s going on here?” I looked down at my outfit—glanced in the mirror over the dresser. “Is it me? Is there something wrong.”

He reached for me, fingers trembling and pressed his forehead to mine. “No, absolutely-fucking not. It’s not you. But this is not happening here.”

“Why not? I’m ready. You’re ready.” I pushed against his crotch. He was definitely ready.

He gave me a hard look; one filled with want and something else—a hesitation. I searched for the reason for all this. The small issue that’d been building between us all for some time. Even with Anderson.

He swallowed hard, rebuttoning his pants and shifting to a more comfortable position.

“Look, Heaven,” he grimaced, “the guys and I made a deal. No one treats you like a piece of ass. No matter how tempting you are.”

I stared blankly at him. “You did what?”

“We love and respect you.” He touched my shoulder but I brushed his hand off. “You’ve been through so much and none of us wanted to hurt you again—pressure you in a way you weren’t comfortable with. You’re fragile, Heaven, and none of us want to risk that.”

“Shut up, Hayden. You’re making it worse.”

A knock at the door interrupted us but Hayden didn’t move. His big arms crossed over his chest and his eyes locked on mine.

“Heaven—”

“Get the door. I’m not staying here.”

He still didn’t move so I crossed the room instead, opening it and letting in a flood of music. One of Hayden’s teammates stood in the hallway. His expression filled with an apology when he saw us.

“Sorry dude, Bertram was looking for you and I…I didn’t know you were up here with…” His eyes darted to me and back to Hayden.

“Take him,” I said, pushing past him. “He’s not busy.”

“Heaven!”

I used the interruption to disappear into the loud music and writhing bodies of the party-goers. I saw the sparkle of Ruthie’s dress as I passed the living room. The bright smile of Amber as she kicked Oliver’s ass in whatever drinking game they’d moved on to in the kitchen. A bright-faced girl stood by her side, rooting against Oliver, and it all just made me feel more lost and alone.

It wasn’t until I hit the warm air outdoors that I was able to breathe. Which just pissed me off more. Maybe Hayden was right. I was too vulnerable to push our relationships harder. The slightest bump and I completely panicked.

I left the trash-strewn yard and headed across campus toward my dorm. It was a modern building—taller than the rest—and I could see the rooftop peeking over the other facilities.

The guys would be furious to know I left without telling them. A sinking feeling built in my stomach. This was not how I wanted the night to go. I brushed the tears out of my eyes with the back of my hand.

My phone buzzed, flashing light. The texts rolled in.

Where are you?

What’s wrong?

What the fuck did Hayden do?

Stay where you are—we’ll come get you.

Heaven…

Babe, pick up.

“They’re not going to stop until you respond to them,” a voice said right behind me.

I screamed in absolute terror and spun around, lashing out with my fists. Wild hair and bright eyes came into view.

“Goddamn it, Anderson.” He caught my wrists with his hands, probably hoping to save his pretty face from a pummeling. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Well you scared the fuck out of us.” He pulled out his phone and typed a message. It beeped on our group text and I checked instinctively.

Found her—Safe. I’ll walk her home.

Jackson responded first. Thx Bro

“What if I don’t want you to walk me home?”

He shrugged. “Then you can walk by yourself. And I’ll just follow a respectable amount of space behind you and make sure you get there safely.”

I clenched my jaw. “Do you really not trust me to walk to my dorm alone and get there in one piece?”

He frowned. “I don’t trust the assholes on campus, Heaven, not you. It’s dangerous for any female to walk by herself at night—right outside the party district.”

I rolled my eyes. “So this isn’t about me being too ‘fragile’?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Hayden told me everything. I know what you’re all doing. Why you treat me with kid gloves. You think I’m going to lose it again. That I’m vulnerable and if you push me too hard—in life, in bed—I’ll break.”

His lack of response and the tight tic of his jaw was all I needed to know that Hayden hadn’t spoken just for himself. Guilt shadowed Anderson’s expression. “Perfect, so you think it, too.”

He spoke carefully. “I know we care about you—desperately—and that some of the shit that went down last year was intense. You’ve needed time to heal, not a bunch of horndogs humping your leg all the time.”

Tears welled in my eyes and I pushed them away with the back of my hand.

“You guys don’t get to make that decision for me. We’re either in this relationship together or not at all.”

Anderson’s face was devastatingly handsome even in the shadowy lamplight that brightened the walkways through campus. He reached for my arm and rubbed his finger along one of the scars I no longer hid. He bent down and kissed the puckered skin with warm lips and a tenderness impossible to describe.

Acts like that made it super hard to stay angry with him.

“I think we need to talk.”

“Me and you?” he asked.

“All of us.”

He nodded and ran his hand down my arm, linking his fingers with mine. “Tomorrow. My room. We can have some privacy and hopefully clear some of this up, okay?”

“Thank you.”

He brought my hand to his lips and kissed the back. “There’s room in our relationships for growth. I believe that, and it’s possible we’ve been too protective, but you have to understand how we feel. You’re the most precious thing in our lives. We’ll guard you with our everything. All the time.”

His words sent a chill down my spine. I knew I had something special with the Allendale Four, I just didn’t fully realize the lengths they’d go to protect me. But they also had to give me agency in my own decisions. I should have a say in our relationship—not just be directed. If I wanted that, I’d go back home.

6

Anderson

A million thoughts ran through my mind as I kissed Heaven goodnight outside her dorm. I did have to get up early for practice. I had routine, but damn if this girl didn’t constantly want me to break it and every other well-defined rule in my life.

“’Night,” she said, for the third time, not wanting me to walk away. She’d been mad when I followed her across campus. Upset really, embarrassed, but we’d fix that. I swore to her we would.

I groaned into her shoulder, feeling the instant hard-on in my pants and the elevated heartbeat that happened every time she touched me. She’d had this effect on me since we were thirteen and it never got easier. Not after we’d had sex. God no, it only increased, knowing what it felt like to be with her—in her.

I kissed her quick, fast on the lips, then ripped myself away like a Band-Aid.

“Love you,” I said, already walking away.

“Love you, too.”

She was like a damned magnet, but thankfully she finally walked inside and shut the door.

My phone buzzed.

It was her.

Don’t forget tomorrow

I won’t.

I passed a group of students, all a little wobbly on their feet heading back to the dorms. I skirted out of the way, not wanting to be trampled or vomited on. Taking the path back to my building, I scrolled through the phone and found the A4 group chat.

She’s home. Safe.

Jackson-You with her?

Dropped her off.

Hayden-Is she pissed? I swear I didn’t do anything.

She’s upset—wants to talk.

Oliver-about wughat?

Jackson-wtf?

Oliver—about WHAT. SHUT UP. I’m DUNK.

My room. Tomorrow. She’ll be there and we’ll talk

Hayden-Ok

Jackson-Yep

Oliver-ahoairneugougha

I shook my head and shoved my phone in my pocket.

There was no way I was tipping them off about what Heaven was upset about. No fucking way. They’d lose their minds and want to come up with a plan, which is what got us in the dog house in the first place.

Heaven was right, I thought, climbing the steps to my dorm. We’d made a decision without her. To protect her, because even though she was a strong, amazing woman, she had to work through some tough shit over the last year. Heaven tried to hide the darkness that bothered her, but I knew it lingered—so did the others. The only thing we had control over was how we treated her. How we protected her and kept her safe. None of us wanted her to ever—ever—feel like she was just a body to us, an outlet.

Not like Spencer. Or Mark, or those other douchebags in high school that thought they could use and take advantage of her.

I walked in my room, tossing my keys and phone on the desk with a clatter.

We loved her. Cherished her, and she always needed to know that, which was why there was a line we’d drawn—one we were hesitant to cross. After all we were guys, teenagers, filled with hormones and sex-fueled desires. God, in my fantasies I’d done nearly every imaginable thing possible to her body. But that wasn’t how you treated the woman you loved.

Was it?

Was I holding back? I thought, glancing at myself in the mirror hung on my door. I stripped off my shirt and jeans, getting an eyeful of the hard-earned muscles that lined my body.

Hell yes, I was holding back. Because if I crossed that line, the one between love and lust, the one where you let your animal desires take over, where did it stop? How did you stop?

And that’s why we made the line, to keep that basic instinct in check. And now Heaven wanted to cross it.

I got in the bed and turned off the light, staring at the blank, dark ceiling. I knew one thing for certain: Heaven would get her way with us. She always did.

I just hoped it didn’t open a can of worms we couldn’t shut.

7

My phone rang on the way to Anderson’s dorm.

“Hi, Mom,” I said, lifting the phone to my ear.

“Hey sweetie, how are you today?”

“Pretty good.” I didn’t think she wanted to hear about how nervous I was about talking to the guys in a few minutes.

“How are classes?”

“They don’t fully start back until this week, but I got everything I wanted even though my Monday, Wednesday, Friday biology class is at eight-thirty in the morning.”

“You’ll survive.”

“With coffee, I suppose I will.”

She paused for a minute and I crossed the grassy area that split the campus. People were already lounging on blankets, studying or just hanging out. I eyed one couple kissing openly, feeling jealous of their freedom.

“Honey, I wanted to let you know your father and I have been…seeing each other again.”

I froze in the middle of the sidewalk. “What?”

“I know this is a surprise. I’m surprised, but things are going really well.”

“Mom.”

“I know, I know. I thought all of that was part of my past too. It’s just…I think he’s changed this time. It’s just a feeling I have. I think he learned a lot while he was gone.”

“Mom, your gut instincts are notoriously wrong.” I wanted to remind her of how she handled the bullying situation last winter but didn’t. It was still a tense subject.

“Heaven, I’ve made some bad decisions in the past where your dad was concerned, but I think he’s really trying to clean up this time. Go legit. Pastor Billips at Oceanside is really taking him under his wing.”

“Billips is a sexist pig, mom. That place is oppressive and just…I don’t like it, okay?”

“We’re taking it slow, Heaven, but it’s something I feel called to explore.”

Called. The word sent chills down my spine.

My heart thundered while she spoke and I scanned the area, trying to find something to focus on. A mop of blonde hair caught my eye and I held it in my sights as it moved toward me. “Be careful, Mom. He’s hurt you before.”

“I know. He has a lot to prove; like keeping a job and paying for your school. I need him to understand I’m not quitting my job and becoming a housewife again. It’s not like I’m moving in right away.”

“Moving in?” I asked. “Right away?”

“He bought the old Jameson place by the river. We’re going to fix it up together, see how it goes. Then maybe I’ll think about moving back in with him.”

“Mom,” I whispered as Jackson got closer, “do you even know where the money is coming from? For my school and this house? His salary can’t be that great.”

“I know he received a stipend while he was gone and he saved a lot of it. He was able to build a nest egg.”

A nest egg? While we were barely scraping by?

That hit me like a ton of bricks. He had money while we were gone but never gave any to us? Even when Mom was working double shifts to pay the bills? I knew I needed to hang up before I said something I’d regret. “Hey, Mom, look, I’m about to walk into the library. I should probably go.”

“Sure, honey. I just wanted to keep you in the loop.” There was a muffled sound behind her. That was when I knew she wasn’t alone. My dad had been there the whole time. “Your father wants you to know he’ll be in the city on Wednesday night. He’ll pick you up for dinner at seven.”

“What? Mom, I’m not sure I’m available then!”

“I’m sure you’ll work it out.” She rushed out a goodbye and I was left holding the phone. Jackson stood before me with a curious look on his face.

“Everything okay?”

I stashed my phone. “Just my mom. She said my dad is coming up on Wednesday night for dinner.”

“We’ll make sure we’re out of the way so he doesn’t see us.”

I hated it. I hated the lies and hiding. I felt like nothing in my life for the last year had been anything but one charade after the other. I’d finally discovered my personality—my style. I enjoyed dressing sexy. I liked flirting with my boyfriends. With my dad around, none of that was an option. He’d never approve.

Jackson watched me with his soulful, beautiful, blue eyes and I forced a smile. “Thank you. Hopefully he’ll be gone early.”

He linked our hands and directed us toward Anderson’s three-story, brick dormitory. It was small and reserved for students with elite status in academics or sports that needed a quiet space to live. It was Saturday, though, and the rules were more relaxed.

“Anderson said you called this meeting? Is it about last night?” he asked. “Because if I need to kick Hayden’s ass, I will. I mean, Oliver and Anderson will have to hold him down, but I’ll totally kick his ass.”

“Hayden didn’t do anything,” I said. Which is the problem. “Anderson didn’t tell you what this is about?”

We climbed the stairs and he pushed the door open. “No.”

I sighed, bracing myself for what I’d gotten myself into. A sex talk. A real one with my very real boyfriends. It was a topic that went against every aspect of how I was raised. Submissiveness was what a woman should be—not demanding or vocal in the relationship. But I also knew that was wrong—that type of attitude destroyed my parents’ marriage and our family. I didn’t want to be like them. I knew what I wanted and I planned on declaring that today.

We reached Anderson’s room and Jackson knocked before opening the door, revealing the other three Allendale boys inside. They looked at me expectantly and damn it, there was no way to run.

Jackson closed the door behind me and Oliver, who looked like hell, made space for me to sit next to him on the bed. He moved slowly and groaned like an old man.

“What the hell happened to you?” I asked.

He ran his hand over his face. “Amber. She kicked my ass in drunk Jenga.”

“Lightweight,” Jackson said, sitting next to a quiet Hayden on the couch. Anderson sat in his desk chair and shook his head at the whole thing.

I glanced at Hayden, who just stared at his feet.

“First, I want to apologize to Hayden for leaving like that. It wasn’t cool and walking off like that on my own was stupid. I can’t promise I won’t do anything like that again, but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum.”

Hayden’s eyes snapped to mine. “I handled it all wrong. I shouldn’t have said any of that.”

“Any of what?” Oliver asked, forcing alertness. “What am I missing?”

Jackson was equally clueless. Anderson ran his hand through his hair, still damp from his morning swim. His jaw was shadowed with stubble. I looked to him for help and he nodded.

“Heaven feels like we’ve been a little overprotective—not just with things like her storming off last night, but in other ways.”

Jackson faced Hayden. “Seriously, man, what did you do?”

“Nothing!” He held out his hands. “I swear.”

“That’s the problem,” I blurted. “Hayden didn’t do anything—well, at least not what I wanted.”

Oliver frowned. “What did you want him to do?”

“We were in his room alone, for the first time in a while and…” I gave him a hard, pointed look. “He just stopped.”

Oliver looked between us. I swear he wasn’t this dumb. “Stopped?” he asked. Then it connected, like a lightbulb turning on. “Oh, right. Damn. Right. Well maybe it wasn’t the best time. I mean, Hayden’s bedroom is pretty funky.”

“There were ton of people around, too,” Jackson added.

“In the heat of the moment, I’m not thinking about those things. Can you honestly tell me any of you really are?” Guilt crossed their pretty faces. I looked at Hayden. “Did you really want to stop?”

He shook his head. “No, of course not.”

Now they all looked down at their feet. Hayden’s ears were red. I inhaled and then exhaled loudly. “I know you guys worry about me. I know my anxiety scares you and all the bullshit I went through last year, including Spencer trying—and failing—to assault me, was rough. But I’m okay. Better than okay. And you don’t have to treat me like a baby.”

Oliver reached for my hand. “But you’re our baby, Heaven. Our sweet, sexy, fierce baby and none of us want to hurt you.”

Jackson nodded in agreement.

Dammit. Even hungover Oliver was adorable. It was really hard to stay focused when they were sweet and sexy all the time. Focus, Heaven.

“You aren’t hurting me,” I told him. “You’re holding back. Which is sweet and comes from a good place, but I want more.” I glanced around the room. “From all of you.”

From the expression on their faces and the glint in their eyes, I found myself caught in the crosshairs; four hungry men who definitely loved me—and wanted me—who’d been holding back for far too long.

“Are you sure you’re ready for more?” Anderson asked.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“It’s hard,” Anderson said slowly, “Because the line between love and lust is thin and I don’t think any of us ever want to give the idea that we’re taking advantage.”

“What if I want you to take advantage?” I asked, adding a little laugh. “You know I get horny too, right? It’s not just a guy thing.”

Hayden swallowed thickly. “You know you can’t just say things like that.”

“But I can! That’s what I’m saying. I want you. I want your bodies. But I also love the way you love me.” I look at Anderson. “That line between love and lust needs to be blurred.”

“I’m game.” Jackson said. “We’ll do it your way, or rather the way it feels natural between each of us.”

“Right,” Hayden agreed. “No more stopping.”

“Or frustrated, cold showers,” I muttered.

Shocked eyebrows shot to the sky and Oliver’s hand squeezed mine. The room was so quiet I could’ve heard a pin drop. Jackson opened his mouth to speak, the corner of his lips quirked up, but my phone buzzed—breaking the silence.

I took a peek. “It’s Amber. I promised I’d get coffee with her and then go shopping for some last-minute school supplies.”

Hayden cleared his throat. “For the record, I tried to walk Amber home last night, but she brushed me off for someone else.”

“A guy?” As much as I loved Benjamin, it was time for her to move on—play the field a little.

Oliver shook his head. “No, not a guy.”

I remember the blonde standing at the game table between him and Amber the night before. I knew it was time for her to move on but I didn’t expect…wow.

I smiled. “I’ll definitely get details.”

“And now that school has started I’m going to make a group calendar for us—so we can keep track of everyone’s classes and activities,” Anderson said, swiveling in the chair.

“Good,” I said. “I don’t want to miss anyone’s games or events.”

I stood to leave but Oliver tugged me back down to the bed. He engulfed me in his arms. “Thanks for coming to talk to us, H. Next time don’t take so long, okay?”

With the weight of my issue off my chest, everything felt different, freer, and I kissed them each on the forehead and left to find Amber. I was excited and maybe a little bit scared. I saw the hunger in their eyes. I’d felt their need. It was possible I’d just opened a box that I couldn’t seal back, but I suspected we’d have fun figuring it out.

8

The first three days of classes went smoothly; if you considered getting lost twice, forgetting to turn off my cell phone during class and watching the girls of the university discover the Allendale Four, smooth.

“Three different girls came up to Anderson after our Intro to Biology class this week,” I grumbled to Amber. “I was standing right there.”

“I’m sure he didn’t notice.”

“Who knows with him. You know he has a stone-cold expression.” It was nice having Bio with him. It was kind of like old times but in a much bigger setting. The chemistry between us was just as intense as it had been back in high school—only now we weren’t sitting behind lab tables but in a large lecture hall. Just today his leg brushed against mine and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I shot him a death stare and passed him a note.

No touching in class.

Why not?

The smirk on his mouth told me he knew the answer but I scribbled it down anyway.

Because I don’t think our classmates want an actual biology lesson on reproduction, that’s why.

He stared at that note long and hard. I thought he was finished but he scratched out his own note in perfect script.

Meet me after class then? Maybe get a little of this out of our system?

God I wanted that. So bad.

My dad is coming to town. Taking me to dinner.

He sighed, and I folded the note, tucking it into my hoodie pocket.

“Who knew college would be so busy I’d never have time to hang out with my guys,” I said hours later. Amber came down with me to wait on the front steps of our dorm for my dad to pick me up.

“Maybe you can meet up after dinner?”

“You know Anderson goes to bed early—his swim time is around 6 a.m.” I had to admit that wasn’t the only reason. “I’m also keeping away from the guys while my dad is in town. I don’t want him anywhere near them.”

She nodded and said, “I think Ginger and I are going out on Friday night.”

Ginger was the girl from the party. “Is this like a date or just a friend thing?”

“I’m not sure. I mean, I’ve never limited myself sexually, but you know Allendale wasn’t the biggest pool of options.”

“You do you, Amber, that’s what college is about. Where are you going?”

“She’s an art major and wants to take me to this little gallery downtown for a show.”

“I love it. When do I get to meet her?”

She smiled shyly. I’d never seen Amber like this. Normally she was bold and brash—but this thing with Ginger was new. I got it. “Let’s give it a little longer, okay?”

“Definitely.”

A sleek black car pulled up to the curb and the window rolled down. My dad leaned over the passenger seat and smiled.

“See you later,” I said. She gave me a sympathetic smile.

“Hi Dad,” I said, walking to the car. I opened the door and sat in the front. He leaned over and kissed my cheek.

“How are you? How’s the first week of classes?”

“Busy,” I said. “All the information is a little overwhelming.”

He drove the car off campus and into town. There were dozens of restaurants in the area and I shouldn’t be surprised he picked the fanciest one. He pulled into the parking area and the valet opened my door.

“Thank you,” I said, feeling awkward. I wanted to know where my dad got the money to pay for things like this. If he even had it—but there was no way I was going to ask.

He walked around the car and I tried not to flinch when he placed his hand on my shoulder, directing me to the door. “I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you. We have a lot to catch up on—everything you’ve been doing. My new job. It’s an exciting time for our family.”

We did have a lot to catch up on, but there was no doubt we both were keeping our own secrets. My father didn’t want to know the truth about my life and I had a feeling he didn’t want to tell me the truth about his. I followed him across the hardwood floors and into the quaint bistro with the distinct feeling that by the time the night was over, I’d have more questions than answers.

* * *

I spent the evening fielding questions about college, roommates and classes, and my thoughts on professors. My father gave away enough to let me know he was fully aware of my schedule and had taken the time to check up on my professors.

“Have you picked a church to attend yet?”

The question stumped me. Other than the week before I left for school hadn’t gone to church since he’d left us—mostly because my mother and I couldn’t handle the judgmental glares.

“No, not yet.” I picked at my dessert.

“I notice you don’t wear the cross I sent to you for your birthday.”

I touched my neck, knowing it wasn’t there. “Sorry Daddy, I took it off and forgot to put it back on.”

Seven years ago.

“And are you dating anyone?” he asked, digging into his chocolate cake. He’d always loved sweets.

“Not right now,” I replied, keeping it vague.

“Your mother said you were interested in a few boys from back home. The ones I met at the party.”

I didn’t like that my mother told him this, but the fact she kept her mouth shut about the specifics of me and the Allendale Four said a lot. She was letting my father back in but she still had her secrets too—our secrets. I wondered how long she’d hold out.

“We’re just really good friends. They stuck by me during some tough times last year at school.”

“Anything I should be concerned about?”

I shook my head. “Just regular teen drama. Mean girls. Stupid guys. I’m sure you’ve dealt with cliques before.”

It was a jab at the snobby church community but I smiled to show I was kidding. He gave me a weak grin in return. We weren’t to discuss his checkered past. I knew that, but I was also bitter about his leaving and the circumstances he left us in.

“Cliques are complicated but it seems like you made a smart decision—surrounding yourself with strong males.” He held up his glass of wine and took a sip.

“I didn’t befriend the boys because of their strength, Daddy. I’m quite capable of taking care of myself.”

He smiled patronizingly. “I know you are, sweetheart, but you’ve always been sensitive.” His eyes wandered to the faint scars near my wrists. “Too concerned about what others thought of you and allowing your fears to take control. Establishing healthy relationships is a good way to feel secure. Aligning yourself with dominant males is commendable.”

I eyed him warily, knowing this meeting wasn’t purely social. He wanted something and he’d spent the evening exerting his dominance over me with tales of his success and the fine dinner to lower my guard. I waited for the shoe to drop. It didn’t take long.

“It was unfortunate that you and your mother had such a rough time while I was away on my mission. At the time it seemed best to cut all ties—let you have a fresh start. Now that I’m back I want to reconnect our family. It’s important to me and for my position at the church. Your mother is willing to give me a chance and I’m hoping you are, too.” He leaned back in his seat, dark eyes watching me carefully. “You’re a beautiful and smart young woman, Heaven, and I’m happy to have the chance to assist you with your college degree. Your mother said you were going to have to take out loans and get a job otherwise, correct?”

“That was the plan, yes.”

“You know I value hard work, and although I don’t want you to take on a traditional job that would interfere with your academics, there are a few small tasks you could perform for me while you’re here that would be beneficial to both of us.”

A small knot of dread built in my stomach. “What kind of task?”

“I’m responsible for the growth of Oceanside Church and bringing in prominent members of the community. There is one family in particular that we’d like to join. Their son attends the university and it’s my understanding he’s very shy and a little socially awkward.”

“Daddy, what are you asking me to do?”

“I’d like you to reach out to him. Make him feel supported. Represent our family.”

“You know I’m not very social myself,” I told him. “Like, small talk and that sort of thing. I’m afraid I’d do more harm than good.”

He picked up his phone and scrolled through. My heart stalled in my chest, terrified of what he would show me. Pictures of me making out with ten different guys? The gossip and bullying? He held it out and I saw a photo of me on stage in my Winter Princess dress, crown sparkling on my head. “Although I’m not sure I approve of the dress, or the fact you appear to have four dates, you’re definitely more charming than you give yourself credit for, Heaven. I think this is something you can do. Something you can do for me.”

There was a tone in his voice—a heavy implication. I didn’t have a choice here. He was paying for my education and housing. Not only that, I had secrets I didn’t want him digging into.

“I can probably fit a few social events into my schedule.”

He smiled. “Good. And these boys, you say they’re all here at school?”

“Yes. They’re all athletes and keep busy.”

He folded his hands on the table. “I suggest keeping them at arm’s length. What worked in the little town of Allendale may not benefit you here. I’m sure they’re fine young men but you have a reputation to uphold—the daughter of a preacher.”

“There’s nothing inappropriate going on,” I lied.

“The truth doesn’t always matter, Heaven. If things look questionable, if they seem immoral, then that’s just as bad.”

Ignoring the irony of him telling me I needed to play nice to a shy boy in order of saving my reputation, I nodded, pretending like I was on board with his ideas. There was no way I’d ever cut my guys loose. Not for my dad. Not for anyone. I could play his game and perform his little tasks if it would keep him off my back.

9

My father’s car was barely out of sight when I pulled out my phone and dialed.

“Can you come get me?”

“Of course.”

I heard the forest green Mustang before I saw it and hopped in the front seat before Jackson could get out and open the door for me. The car smelled like a mixture of old leather and soapy skin. He sat in the driver’s seat in a three-quarter-length-sleeved baseball jersey with the word “Allendale” across his broad chest in faded letters. His tan legs stretched out of blue mesh shorts and I saw the dark purple bruise on his knee, most likely from practice that day. A stark contrast to my dress and heels.

“You look amazing.” His gray eyes raked down my body. “What’s going on?”

I shook my head. “Just spent the evening with my dad and I need a brain scrubbing.”

“You’ve got it. Where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere quiet—I just can’t handle my suitemates right now or having to talk to someone in the hall.”

He laughed. “Dorm life is hectic, right? I think it’s the hardest thing to get used to.” He rested his hand on my thigh, pushing the hem of my skirt up a little. “I think I have an idea of where we can go.”

Jackson drove Oliver’s car like it was his own. His hand loose on the wheel as he drove away from campus, away from town. In a short time, we were away from the residential neighborhoods that surround the campus and he slowed before taking a sharp turn down a side road. “I was afraid I’d miss it.”

The drive was long and winding, cloaked with heavy tree branches. “Where are we?”

A small lake came into view along with a few picnic tables. A baseball field sat to the right of the parking lot.

“My little league team used to come out here sometimes. I remember riding in the back of the van, with Oliver and the other guys. We’d play a game, have a cookout, and swim in the lake. There’s a little dock.”

Before he opened the door, Jackson leaned over and kissed me. His moves were gentle, his tongue licking at my lips. “Mmmhmm, you taste like chocolate.”

He tasted like sin and the butterflies in my belly knew how much trouble I was in.

He pulled away abruptly and hopped out of the car, running around to open my door before I had a chance to blink. I kicked off my heels and stepped into the warm, late summer night. He went to the back of the car and opened the squeaky trunk, lifting out a red blanket. He came back over, linked his fingers with mine, and walked me toward the water.

“I got my first home run on that field,” he told me. “I can still remember the way the bat felt in my hands and the sound of the crack as the ball hit the wood.”

“Even then, you were a stud.”

He ran his hand through his shaggy hair and kissed me by the ear.

Sand coated my feet, and when we reached the dock, I stood on the edge and dipped my toes in the water. He tossed the blanket in the middle of the platform and wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on my shoulder. The lake wasn’t big—just a small swimming hole, but it was quiet and the sky overhead revealed a million stars.

“This is great,” I said. “Thanks for coming to get me.”

“Anytime, babe,” he replied, flattening his hands over my belly. I felt the warmth build below my navel. The tiny coil and twisted from having him so close.

“One sec,” he said and I watched as Jackson stretched the blanket on the dock. He took my hand and we sat together, leaning against one another’s shoulders.

“So, your dad really stresses you out.”

“You have no idea. He’s just…he’s not a good person. He’s selfish and manipulating—I can feel myself getting caught up in his games.”

“Can’t you just ignore him? Say you won’t see him anymore?” Jackson’s parents weren’t as MIA as Oliver’s parents or as rich and perfect as Anderson’s, but they were supportive in a way that he couldn’t understand our family dysfunction.

“I wish I could but, he’s paying for my school and I know my mom wants things to get better between them again. The occasional dinner isn’t a big deal.” I don’t tell him there was more to our bargain—not now. Maybe not ever.

“Family obligations suck. I get that.”

Jackson stretched out his legs and leaned back on his hands. I moved quickly, climbing into his lap. My skirt was flouncy. There was little between us but the cotton of my panties and the fabric of his shorts. Running my hands over his broad, firm chest, I leaned in, kissing his neck. He squirmed, laughing and grabbing for my hands, but I fought back, nibbling my way to his collarbone. It was no surprise when I felt him grow beneath me, followed by darkening and intensifying of his gray eyes.

He pushed the sweater off my shoulders and ran his hands down my arms, then touched my chin. “You’re so beautiful.”

I kissed him again, this time on the mouth, darting my tongue against his. The spot between my legs grew warm, wet, and I pressed against him, wanting to feel the heat.

Jackson and I had done many things together, but we hadn’t gone all the way. Not yet. But now that we cleared the air—that I wasn’t some fragile piece of china ready to break—we could take the next step.

I pushed him on his back and tugged my dress over my head. I hadn’t worn a bra and his eyes widened, drinking me in. His fingers reached out but stopped inches away from my skin. “Are you sure about this? Outdoors? Because I’ll stop right now and take you to a fancy hotel with a soft mattress and cushy pillows and room service and all that shit if you want.”

I took his hands—both of them—and placed them on my breasts. “You promised me. No more playing it safe. I don’t want any of those things. I just want you.”

He nodded and squeezed, sending a jolt through my body. I tipped my head back, loving the way his hands felt against my body.

“I know you’ve wanted to do things to me,” I said, my voice clear in the quiet night. “Don’t hold back, Jax. Not now.”

He sat up with a jolt, mouth crushed against mine. His fingers pushed at the lacy strip of fabric at my hip, tugging until I stood, straddling his legs, to get them off.

“Don’t let me fall,” I laughed, steadying myself by touching his head.

“Never.”

He took his time, peeling them off inch by inch, blazing a trail down my legs with his fingers and lips. I stepped out of each side and the panties dropped to the dock, and I jerked in surprise when his hands moved to my backside, stroking my ass.

“Hey,” I said, pushing at his shoulders. “Not fair leaving me up here. With nothing to do.”

He ignored me, kissing one hip bone before traveling to the other, his mouth lingering over the sensitive skin. His lips brushed over my belly and my face heated with how close he was—how intimate we were. I stood naked on the dock, fully exposed, inexplicably trusting, with a million stars overhead. My knees buckled when I felt his breath between my legs. Breathless and shaking, I wove my fingers into his thick hair. My wobbly legs were held up with the one hand exploring my back side, while his other spread my legs wider.

“Is it cheesy if I say that you taste like heaven?” he asked, laughing over his words. I grunted in reply, unable to speak coherently. His tongue was hot, wicked; igniting a burning deep inside of me that I never imagined. Jackson kissed and sucked, taking me to the edge of the edge.

I blinked and caught my breath, tugging hard at his hair and forcing him to look at me.

“I want you inside of me. I want you to come inside of me.”

He licked his lips, surely tasting me on them, and he pulled off his shorts, revealing his erection. His cock bobbed with freedom and he didn’t hesitate—I didn’t hesitate, easing down on his length.

“Goddam,” he muttered into my hair. He filled me up—different than Anderson—and I liked this position. I really liked it. Sitting on his lap, eye-to-eye, mouth-to-mouth. There was no escaping the intimacy; the little pants that came with every roll of my hips. Every groan he buried in my shoulder. The rhythm was different this way—I was most certainly in control, although he’d pushed me so close to the edge that it only took a moment and his strong hand palming my tit that I came in a writhing mess while he continued to thrust.

My body contracted around him and his movement turned erratic, desperate and messy. His hips thrust upward and his hands gripped me like a man holding on for dear life. The strong line of his jaw tensed, all while mumbling my name and when he came, god how he came, I was still quivering, shuddering—feeling the exhilaration over every inch of my hot, prickly skin.

Jackson wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear, “Who knew I’d score two home runs at this park.”

I couldn’t help but laugh because damn, he was a fool. But he was my fool. When we parted, sticky with the residue of our lovemaking and the heat between our bodies, I watched as he stood over me, naked, ripped, and proud.

“You know what would make this even better?” he asked.

I shook my head, because nothing would make this better. It was already the best.

He offered me a hand and before I got all the way off the ground I realized what was happening.

“A swim.”

“Jackson, no!”

We were airborne in a heartbeat and he smiled as we crashed into the water.

He reached for me under the water. It cooled my overheated skin. “I love you, Heaven Reeves.”

“I love you too, Jackson Hall. But if I get bitten by a snake, it’s your fault.”

He pulled me into a kiss and I realized that he was probably right.

A swim really did make it better.

10

Jackson

I thought I’d feel guilty.

I thought she’d want me to stop.

I thought that crossing that line between love and lust was definitive. Two different, unique things. Things that you didn’t do with someone you respected and loved.

You didn’t take them to the edge of a ball park and screw them on a floating dock, until you did, and that’s when you realized, well, I realized that the line was blurry and dammit, freaking amazing.

I didn’t enter my relationship with Heaven a virgin, but before her I’d never been in love. Not outside myself, my family, and my brothers. I was a player. Elusive. Handsome and charming. I knew it. The girls back home knew it and no one begrudged it.

All of that stopped the minute Heaven came into our lives. Stopped cold.

That girl…she’d been barreling down the tracks with me before she sat on my lap and dry-humped me into oblivion all those months ago. I came so. Fucking. Hard, and the craziest thing was that it was enough. It was. I didn’t have to claim her body. I had her heart.

But then we had that talk—the laying it on the line talk—about her needs and wants and desires. Not treating her like a fragile child. She was right, but the stuff she went through…it wasn’t okay. Oliver fucking cried the day he told us about walking in on her with those blades. How he barely made it there in time to stop her.

We swore then to treat her with kid gloves.

Well, I just took off the fucking gloves.

I walked across campus the next day trying to hold back my swagger—the I-just-made-love-to-a-beautiful-woman swagger. Buuuut, it was impossible and when Anderson saw me coming, he raised an eyebrow.

“What’s going on?” he asked. We waited here for Heaven before their class and suddenly nerves shot through me. What if she had regrets? What if I read the situation wrong?

And like that, I deflated.

In a low voice I said, “I took Heaven for a ride last night—she needed a break after seeing her dad.”

“How did that go? I know she was nervous.”

I shrugged. “Not great? Not awful? I think she wanted to blow off some steam.”

We didn’t ask. That was the deal—part of the Don’t Treat Heaven Like an Object arrangement. We didn’t discuss our sex lives with one another.

Anderson and I stood in a moment of awkward silence.

I cleared my throat. “We made some progress…on her request.”

He nodded. “And everything went okay.”

“Yeah. Like, fantastic, but…”

His eyes narrowed. “But what?” There was a threat in his tone.

“But nothing, swear. Jesus, Anderson, I treated her right. You know that.”

He relaxed and ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry. I know. You said ‘but’.”

“What if what seemed okay last night in the dark isn’t okay today in the daylight?”

“Did you respect her?”

“Yes.”

“Did you get consent?”

“Of course.” I wasn’t an animal.

“Did you give her a choice? A chance to you know…participate?”

I thought about her on my lap, sinking down on my cock. I cleared my throat and shifted. “Yes, without a doubt.”

“Then you’re fine.” He said with relief. “It was probably exactly what she wanted.”

I stared at my shoes, hoping he was right. If I ruined it—or hurt her—or made her second guess herself in any way, I’d never forgive myself.

Anderson grew quiet, eyes cast across the student center. I brushed my hair out of my face and turned, seeing her for the first time since last night. She was gorgeous, red-cheeked with a small smile playing on her lips.

“Yeah,” Anderson said. “I think you’re fine.”

I watched her come our way, hips swaying, and corrected him in my mind; we’re fine.

11

Heaven

In high school, I wondered if virgins walked differently than women who’d had sex. It was back when I was trying to figure out how to pretend I wasn’t one. I was sure the more-experienced girls had a particular swagger. I don’t think I had a swagger as much as a strut. And although I lost my virginity to Anderson some time ago, I definitely felt a different spring to my step when I saw Jackson the following day on campus.

I spotted him before he noticed me and I took a minute outside the crowded student center to check him and Anderson out. I’d had sex with both of them—and planned to do it again. There was no loss of one to gain of the other—that was one of the perks of our specific kind of relationship. Sure, there were a lot of stressors balancing (and hiding) four guys, but experiencing the intimacy with them all was definitely not one of them.

Anderson noticed me first, raising a hand to get my attention. Jackson turned a beat slower, hair flopping into his eyes, although that doesn’t stop him from checking me out, head to toe.

My cheeks heated, thinking about his lips and what they’d done to me the night before—how he’d explored me more thoroughly than anyone had ever before.

He licked his lips in memory and yeah, my walk was different. No doubt about that. It was one part eager, two parts confidence. Yeah, I felt confident knowing what we’d done and how I’d pleased him. I swallowed back the pride of seeing the way his jaw tensed when he came, and the weight of his arm over my shoulder as he walked me back to the car.

Yep, people who experienced that walked, talked, and felt different.

“Hey,” I said. It sucked keeping my distance in public like this.

“We were just talking about Anderson’s swim meet later this week against State. Think you can come?”

“I wouldn’t miss it.” Watching Anderson swim was like a gift from the gods. I turned to Jackson. “Thanks for hanging out with me last night.”

“Anytime.” He looked at the time. “Shit, gotta run. My stupid English Lit class is on the other side of campus.”

“Later,” Anderson said, giving him some kind of bro fist bump.

“Bye,” he said to us both, tugging on the back of my shirt as he jogged off.

“Y’all hung out last night?” Anderson asked as we moved in the direction of our biology class. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just needed to blow off some steam after dinner with my dad.”

He nodded. “How did that go?”

“About as good as expected.” We walked into class and took our seats. The professor wasn’t there yet. “Oh, check this out, he brought up you guys—he thought I made a smart move by bringing you in last year during all the harassment.”

“A smart move?” He took out his laptop. “Who talks like that?”

I laughed. “My dad. I told you—he’s in a world of his own.”

“So he’s okay with you hanging out with us, then?”

I grimaced. “Eh, not so much. He thinks I need to broaden my circle at college.” Anderson frowned and tapped his fingers on the desk. I laid my hand on his knee. “Hey, you know that’s not how I feel, right? My dad is an opportunist, and right now he’s worried about how my reputation will affect his paycheck. He doesn’t think in genuine relationships but in how things benefit him.”

“I know,” he replied. He looked up and I saw my suitemate, Ruthie, watching us from across the room. I gave her a friendly smile and tried to discretely remove my hand from his leg. “I think I’m just overwhelmed with everything you know? I hate not being able to see you all the time.”

“Dude, we have class three times a week together. I’m coming to your swim meet this week.” I lowered my voice. “I have a feeling we can snag some private time before then, too.”

His pupils dilated at the suggestion and he coughed, covering his mouth with his fist. “Actually, I thought maybe you’d want to do me a favor and help me study for the quiz on Friday.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You know favors are what got me into a heap of trouble last year, right?”

He laughed. “A heap of trouble that brought me a lot of personal pleasure.” He looks at the door just as the professor walks in. I get out my own laptop.

Anderson shifted his attention to the podium but he took out a small piece of paper and scribbled on it and passed it to me.

My meet is Thursday night and I have an approved practice that means I’ll miss this class that day. Can you come over before the meet and bring me the notes?

Sure.

He replied back with a smiley face and I rolled my eyes, tucking the paper in my laptop back with the others we’d written so far this semester. With so many things changing in my life, the little things, like notes from Anderson and study dates, made everything feel a little bit more normal.

* * *

Amber and I were sprawled across the couch in the living room of our suite, binge-watching TV, when Ruthie and Samantha walked in laughing. They cut it short when they saw us and Ruthie pulled a couple of packages with trendy shop names to her chest.

“Ooh,” Amber said. “Did you go on a shopping spree?”

The Ruthie and Samantha exchanged a look before she replied, “They were having a sale downtown. You know, clearing out for fall.”

“Let’s see,” I said, sitting up.

She flashed two sweaters, one made of the softest-looking material ever. “Those were on sale?” Amber asked.

“Yeah.” Her eyes slid to Samantha’s. “But I think I got the last one.”

She shoved it back in the bag and the two girls disappeared into their room, shutting the door behind them.

“Was that weird?” I asked, reaching for the bag of chips on the table. “It seemed weird.”

“Definitely weird,” Amber agreed. “Maybe she’s one of those girls that doesn’t want other people wearing what she’s wearing.”

“You mean, petty.”

She shrugged. “If the shoe fits.”

“God, I hate mean girls. So pathetic.”

“I know you do. Me too. And it gives me an idea.” A wicked grin spread across her lips. “We should go buy the same sweaters and wear them around all the time just to make her mad.”

I snort-laughed and covered my mouth with my hand. “Dude, you’re a feminist—being mean to other women isn’t cool.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re the queen of tit-for-tat, Heaven. Turn-about is fair play and all that. I just think that sometimes women who want to take down other women should be taken down a notch.”

“You’re ridiculous.” My phone rang and I glanced at the screen. “Ugh. It’s my dad.”

“Ignore it.”

It continued to buzz. “He’ll just keep calling.”

“Hey, Dad.” I walked into the bedroom and shut the door for privacy.

“Sweetheart, how are you today?”

“Good.” I waited for a beat, not wanting to share anything else. “What’s going on?”

“There’s an event I need you to attend.”

“What kind of event?”

“Just a college thing. A social at the University Community Church. The young man I told you about will be there.”

Ugh, a church thing? I didn’t know how to respond.

“Noah has extended an invite to you as a favor to me. I’d like you to go and meet him.”

“You want me to go on a date?”

“No, honey.” I could hear the irritation in his voice. “I want you to go to a party. Have a little fun and while you’re there, do me a favor by being nice to the son of a prospective church member.” He took a steadying breath. “I’d really appreciate it if you could take the time to do this for me. It would help me out a lot. You know I’ve just come back and any extra effort goes a long way.”

I still didn’t know what my father was doing—recruiting a church member so hard seemed weird. I had to suspect the family must be loaded. My father was paying my tuition and if his job depended on him—or me—playing nice with this guy, then I didn’t have much choice.

“Okay, I can do that. What’s his name?”

“Noah Hancock.”

“Okay. And he knows I’m coming?”

“Yes. He’s going to send you the details.”

I glanced at myself in the mirror and at the way I held the phone, knuckles white. Socializing like this wasn’t something I was used to—my dad didn’t get that. He just saw the photos of me as Winter Princess and that I had friends at my graduation party. He didn’t know I spent the prior six months as a pariah or the seven years before that as an invisible nerd.

“Heaven?”

“Yes, Daddy?”

“I know you’re nervous, but whatever you did to get the attention of those boys back in Allendale is what you should remember. That’s all it is—getting a little attention. I have no doubt you can do it.”

I hung up the phone and walked over to the mirror. I pushed my hair behind my ear and kept my eyes away from the largest of the scars on my arm. He was right, if there was one thing I knew how to do, it was to get attention. The problem was dealing with the consequences.

12

The next day was bright and warm and it didn’t take much for Oliver and Jackson to lure me down to the baseball field to watch them practice. The field was adjacent to the athletic complex and it wasn’t uncommon for people to run or walk around the track during warm-ups or find a spot in the bleachers to study.

That being said, spotting my suitemate Samantha on the warm, metal steps was a surprise.

“Heaven?” she called before I could make my escape.

“Oh, hi.” I looked around. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, to be honest I came out to watch your friend Oliver practice.” She blushed. “I hope that’s cool.”

Uh, no. Not cool, Samantha. Definitely not cool.

“Oliver?”

She wrinkled her nose and pushed her long hair over her shoulder. “I overheard you tell Jackson you would come watch and I figured Oliver would be here too.” Her eyes skimmed the field. Both guys were on the green lawn. They had on their practice uniforms. Tight gray pants, fitted T-shirts with the University’s mascot across the front. They both wore caps; Oliver’s low over his eyes and Jackson’s turned backwards. My stomach fluttered at the sight of them.

“He’s super-hot,” she said, never taking her eyes off of him. “And really nice. He helped me carry a box up from the post office the other day.”

When he came to see me, I wanted to add.

I’d admitted to my suitemates that I was dating Jackson—casually. And that I’d gone out with Anderson a few times as well. They seemed to accept that. Hayden and Oliver were harder to explain. The guys were around one another all the time and just like back at home, incredibly visible and noticeable. Four hot-as-hell best friends was a little impossible not to notice, even on a large campus. And me as the girl that hung out with them wasn’t really a big deal. But pushing it beyond that was something I wasn’t comfortable with. I glanced down to the field and Oliver looked up, catching my eye. He winked before throwing the ball with incredible force. I had the distinct urge to mark my territory.

“Oh my god, he winked at you! You are so lucky to have him as a friend.”

“He’s pretty amazing,” I agreed. She shifted next to me, stretching out her long, thin legs. My eyes traveled up her arms, to the smooth skin, unmarred by scars or physical damage. Her eyes bright, unencumbered with a dark past.

Maybe Oliver deserved someone like Samantha? Maybe they should all get a chance to sow their wild oats, experience other girls—normal girls.

“Tell me something about him,” she said. “What does he like? What’s he into?”

Me.

He was into me, I wanted to tell her. He liked having his earlobe nibbled and he was the best snuggler. He treated me like a queen and was a really good listener. His cock was huge—like seriously—it was one of the reasons I hadn’t had sex with him yet. I saw it and panicked, but I know when the time comes he’d be gentle and we’d have amazing fun.

“Guys,” I blurted. “He’s into guys.” I made a face. “Sorry.”

“Oh, what? Really?” She narrowed her eyes and studied him as though this would clear things up. “I thought you said he had a girlfriend back home?”

“I lied. I’m a total asshole. Just…I don’t think he’s into dating right now. He’s super into baseball.” Again, he looked up in the stands. I waved, feeling only the slightest bit of guilt.

“Bummer,” she said, gathering her things. “I guess I’ll head back and see what Ruthie’s doing for dinner.”

“I’m sure I’ll see you later.” I try to keep the smugness down a little, because I’d totally just pulled a bitch move.

She looked down on the bleacher next to me. “You got a text.”

I picked it up. “Thanks.”

She walked off, probably licking her wounds at losing out on a truly fantastic guy. Too bad he was already taken. Once she left I read the text.

Heaven! It’s Noah Hancock. My father gave me your number. It seems we’ve been set up by the FTB (Fathers that Be--you know, instead of PTB) for a casual hang out at my at the UCC on Thursday. Although it’s an awkward set-up I would really like for you to come. It’s a kick-off party for the big game on Saturday so wear your team colors—and bring a friend!

Party starts at nine!

P.S. Love your name

Thursday night? Shit. Anderson’s swim meet was that night. Surely I’d be over by nine. I typed out a quick response.

Noah,

The FTB really want us to meet up, eh? I figured I could do this one little favor—how bad could a party be? I’ll be there around 9 dressed in red.

Heaven

He sent back a series of emojis and I tried not to roll my eyes.

A party wouldn’t be so bad, but a semi-date? That was a complication. The logical thing was to let the boys know. I looked down at the field and watched Jackson swing the bat. His shoulders flexed and his biceps strained and I imagined him cracking Noah in the head with it. Okay, so maybe that was logical but also potentially dangerous. Then I imagined my father finding out what happened and why.

Nope. None of that would work.

There was no way I could tell them about Noah, and I would just make it clear to this guy that I wasn’t interested and be done with the whole situation. Surely Noah would feel the same, right?

* * *

As predicted, Anderson didn’t make it to class on Thursday. He’d always been a dedicated student and athlete but the obligations to his sport had tripled since arriving at the University. He swam for the school team, which won the National Championship last year, and he’s also on the Olympic Development track, which means that his times and scores in each race are being monitored.

I’d noticed the strain it was taking—school, swim, training, friends, us. Finding time to do it all was increasingly challenging and I felt like at least I could help him with his test tomorrow. Ease a little of the stress.

After class, I got the extra study guide from the TA and turned to leave the auditorium. Ruthie blocked my path. A small frown marred her mouth. “What’s that for?”

I held up the guide. “Oh, my friend Anderson had training today for a big competition starting tonight. I told him I’d get his copy.”

“He’s lucky to have a friend like you.” She smirked. “Although I don’t think he’d have a problem getting someone to bring him his school work, if you know what I mean.” When I didn’t reply she rolled her eyes. “He’s freaking hot, Heaven. I swear you’re so used to those guys you don’t even realize how genetically superior they are.”

“I notice,” I said, casually. Damn. I noticed.

“Well, Samantha told me Oliver’s gay so that takes one out of commission. What about Anderson? Would he be interested in a different study date?” She flipped her red hair over her shoulder and batted her eyelashes at me.

Wait what? Was she trying to boot me? Hell no.

I swallowed back my annoyance. “Anderson and I have been study partners in science since the 9th grade. We sort of have a system.”

“A fresh set of eyes isn’t a bad idea.”

“He’s also like, the biggest pain in the ass ever. Grumpy as hell.” Not a lie. “And he’s super particular—like totally anal about his work.” I flashed her a semi-fake grimace. He really was OCD about it all. “Not that you’re not meticulous, I’m just saying, studying with Anderson is a chore—not a pleasure.”

“Yeah, but his shoulders…”

“Are as broad as the side of a barn, I hear you girl. I hear you.”

“Well, if he’s that bad, what do you get out of it?”

We stopped outside the building, where dozens of students milled around. I clutched my bag to my chest. “Loyalty. Laughter. Friendship.” I held her eye in case she wanted to challenge me. “Anderson and I have been through a lot and we’re really close. We’ll always be close.”

Her eyes narrowed and she placed a hand on her hip. “Seems like you’re a little territorial over these boys. You’re ‘sort of’ dating Jackson and occasionally see Hayden. Oliver is suddenly gay and off the market and now no one is allowed to study with Anderson? What’s really going on here?”

I wasn’t sure what her accusation was about. Did she just think I was a jealous friend? Or a loser that clung to these guys?

Anger rolled over me. “The relationship I have with these guys is none of your fucking business, Ruthie. If you want to make a play on one of them, be my guest. In fact, go after Anderson. You have my blessing.”

“You don’t have to be such a bitch.”

“Well, you don’t have to leave your hair products all over the bathroom counter, either.”

She drew back and laughed. “Are you calling me a slob? Your pile of laundry is the size of a mountain.”

I sighed, knowing this was a stupid argument—although the bathroom thing had been bothering me for a long time. I rubbed my temple. “I’ve got to get this to Anderson before he leaves for his swim meet.”

She blinked at me and then stormed off, leaving me in the middle of the walkway alone. Okay, maybe I didn’t handle that well and maybe I did have some territory issues with the Allendale Four that were being revealed now that we were in college.

I tucked the study guide into my bag and walked across campus. I knew juggling four boyfriends was going to be rough—I just didn’t realize how much.

13

I walked through the quiet halls of Anderson’s dormitory relishing a moment of peace after the argument with Ruthie. Knowing Anderson was already stressed about his upcoming meet and the test tomorrow, I didn’t want to unload on him about something as trivial as two girls fighting over hair products and men. Anderson had lightened up a bit since high school, but he still had little patience for drama.

I knocked on the door. When he didn’t answer, I pushed it open and found Anderson sitting at his desk with headphones clamped over his ears. His wide shoulders bounced a little with the beat and I heard the tap of his pencil following along.

Closing the door, I dropped my bag on the floor and walked over. He still didn’t notice me, but I couldn’t stop watching him in this unguarded moment. Standing behind him, I lightly placed my hands on his shoulders and he jumped, startled at my touch, and spun around in his seat, already removing the headphones.

“Jesus Christ,” he breathed. “You scared the hell out of me.”

“Sorry,” I said, not really sorry at all. I pushed my fingers through his hair and he closed his eyes. I couldn’t help but notice the tension in his jaw and shoulders, along with the slight strain tugging at the corners of his eyes. “You okay?”

“It’s just this test and then the race tonight. I’ve got a lot on the line.”

“You do and you’re handling it really well.”

He chuckled. “You think? Because I don’t feel like I’m under control at all.”

I ran my hands down his neck, feeling the tight cords of muscle. “Turn around,” I told him. He raised an eyebrow but spun the chair with his feet. Starting with his head I massaged and rubbed his scalp, working my hands down to his neck. I felt the sharp line of his jaw, the hard muscles of his shoulders. It took a minute, but slowly, inch by inch, he began to relax.

“I read this article once about how the Olympians deal with pre-competition stress,” I told him, taking a peek at his face.

His eyes were closed but he replied with a soft, “Yeah?”

“There were a lot of different theories. Some coaches were super strict—like no one was allowed out past midnight. No fraternization with the other sex. Complete and utter focus on the games until their event was over.”

“Sounds reasonable. My coach is always giving us techniques for focus. He’s big into meditation.”

I had a feeling my massage was barely making a dent. My hands were small compared to Anderson’s broad shoulders but I kept working anyway, kneading with my thumbs and knuckles. “Then there were the others that channeled their energy elsewhere, hoping to take off the edge. Like having sex before a big event.”

He stilled and the tension returned, although not the bone-deep kind, this was more of an attentiveness. “Did that work?” he asked, slowly.

“I think it probably varies on a case-by-case basis,” I replied, appealing to his nerdy side. “They cited lack of sleep and focus to be the biggest negatives.”

Anderson spun, facing me and catching me by the waist to pull me between his long legs. His green eyes were hooded and intense. I bent over and kissed him, continuing my desire to ease the tension from him.

“You’re awfully distracting,” he said, brushing my hair over my shoulder. His eyes flicked down to the V of my shirt. “I don’t feel like this was what we agreed on for a study date, Ms. Reeves.”

I smirked. “I’m happy to get back to business, Mr. Thompson. Let me go get your study guide.” I turned to go to my backpack but his fingers dipped under the waistband of my shorts and he tugged me back.

“Not so fast. You can’t actually bring up pre-event sex and then walk away.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I can’t? You were the one worried about being distracted.”

He pinned me with a hard, heated look. “You’ve been distracting me since middle school, Heaven. If you were going to be the downfall to my success, I’d be back in Allendale lifeguarding and going to the community college instead of here.”

I dropped my hands to his shoulders and trailed them down his chest. I felt the hard muscles and the points of his erect nipples. I knew his body and exactly what he needed to settle down.

He stiffened again when my fingers lowered to his red and black sweat pants. His name was etched over the school symbol on his hip. “Hey,” I told him. “Just relax.”

His jaw tensed. “Easier said than done, with you teasing me like this.”

I pushed at his waistband and kissed him long and leisurely. “Lift up.”

“Heaven.”

“What?”

“You really don’t have to—” Guilt mixed with hunger flashed in his eyes.

“It’s okay to let me do this for you. Remember? We talked about this.” Old habits died hard with my guys. Protective to the bone. “You’re not over-protecting me anymore. You’re not babying me.”

He touched my chin. “I don’t ever want you to feel uncomfortable, to feel demeaned or something.”

I licked my lips, refusing to cave to his ridiculous notions. “Anderson, it’s empowering to know I have this kind of effect on you.” I blushed admitting it, but I was also determined. “When you suggest that it’s anything different, it takes away a little bit of my choice. If I want to suck your cock it’s okay, got it?”

A weird noise came from his chest but he stopped stalling, lifting his ass of the seat. I moved quickly, scared he’d change his mind, and lowered his pants, pulling them off his bare, sexy feet. His manhood bobbed between us, bouncing with unbridled excitement. To know I did that to him made me proud and I licked my lips.

Every moment was a new one with these guys. Every encounter something bold and exciting. I knelt between his knees, feeling his hand weave in the hair at the base of my neck. His grip was a little tighter than I expected, rougher than I expected, and I fought back a smile. I reached for him and our eyes met, burning with the connection that had always been so strong between us.

“You tell me if it’s too much,” he whispered.

I shook my head. “Don’t hold back. Don’t you fucking dare, Anderson.”

He nodded and hot want flickered in his eyes. I may regret that last request.

With the flick of my tongue I did what I could to help ease a little of his stress and prove to him that I could love him on my own terms, in my own way. I proved this and more when he leaned back in his seat and let me take control, allowing me to enjoy his body as much as he enjoyed mine.

14

Following our activity (AKA: “best blow job ever”) Anderson crashed for a nap. I did rouse him long enough to get in a solid thirty minutes of studying before he had to head down to the gym.

“I hope I didn’t screw up your night or the exam tomorrow.”

It was a quiet moment outside his dorm and he took a chance and kissed my puffy lips against the wall by the front steps. “Not a chance. If anything, I think you may just be my good luck charm.”

I laughed. “I doubt that. Hard work and a killer level of commitment don’t need luck.”

He kissed me once more before pulling away and brushing my hair out of my eyes. “See you later?”

“I’ll be there,” I said. Then flinched. “I may have to leave early, though. My dad asked me to run an errand for him.”

“At night?”

I shrugged. “It’s with the University Church group. Pretty tame crowd.”

“Ah, right. Make one of the guys go with you, okay? You don’t need to walk around campus at night, even if it’s to church.”

I nodded and pushed him in the direction of the gym. He was going to be late.

“Go. Kick some ass, or swim fast. Or whatever the hell the right cheer is.”

He winked and finally left.

When I returned to my suite, loud music thumped behind Ruthie and Samantha’s door. I wondered how pissed Ruthie was about our argument after class. I knew better than to let jealousy get to me, but sometimes it was hard. Those boys made me as territorial as I made them.

“Hey,” I said to Amber, who was sitting on her bed, focused on her laptop. I hooked my bag over my desk chair and flopped on the bed.

“Any chance you’d be up for a church social tonight?”

“What? Is that code for fraternity party or something? Or is this like a cult thing? Because I am not sure I’d fit in,” she said, pushing her glasses into her hair. She’d recently cut her bangs super short. I was envious of her ability to pull off such a dramatic look.

“Nah. My dad wants me to go to this thing and meet a guy named Noah. Dad has some connection with his father. I’m supposed to go meet him—play nice.”

She tilted her head. “Just meet him?”

“Well, I don’t think it’s an arranged marriage introduction.” God, I hoped not.

“I’d love to be your wing-woman but I’m meeting Ginger tonight.”

I sat up. “Ooh. Again? Things are getting serious?”

Amber smiled. “I really like her.”

“Have you told Ben?”

She nodded. “The only way an open relationship will work is if we’re honest with one another. I think he’s been on a few dates at his school.”

“And you’re good with that?” Her kind of open relationship was way different from my relationships with the boys. We didn’t fool around with outsiders and we were totally committed.

“Yeah, I am. We’re going to meet up when he comes into town for the game in a few weeks.”

“Are you going to introduce him to Ginger?”

Another small smile ghosted over her lips. “If everything keeps progressing, then yep, definitely.”

“And then?”

“We’ll see, I guess. I’ve never been in a relationship like this. Juggling two people seems hard.”

I rolled my eyes. “Tell me about it. Try four.”

“Oh, about that. I heard the news about Oliver.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “What news?”

“About him switching to the other team?”

I stared at her for a minute. “Oh, crap. You talked to Samantha.”

She threw her hands over her chest. “She was heartbroken.”

“I panicked,” I admitted. “Then to make it worse, I got super territorial over Anderson today with Ruthie.”

“She made a move on Anderson? Girl is lucky to still have her hair.”

We both burst into giggles. “I’m not really good at this ‘down-low’ stuff or you know, making new friends.”

“Yes, you are, but you need to go about it a little different,” she said. “Since I can’t go tonight why don’t you invite Samantha, as a consolation for bursting her dreams about Oliver. Maybe she’ll meet someone new.”

“I’ll ask.” I glanced at my closet and frowned. “Now I have to figure out what to wear to this party. Church social isn’t really my style.”

“Ha! Nope, that’s not your bread and butter.”

“My dad told me to get attention like I did to become Winter Princess. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I had to fake sleep with the whole school to get that title.”

“Stop. That’s not why you won and you know it.”

I sighed. “I know he’ll check up on this, so I need to play the part. I knew there would be strings—this is one of them.”

She didn’t look happy. At all. “What’s the theme?”

“Team spirit—for the game this weekend.”

“That’s not so bad. Jersey and jeans?”

I twisted my bedspread between my fingers. “I hate letting him win, you know? Hiding myself for my father’s beliefs that I don’t agree with.”

“Something in the middle. Chaste but cute?”

“That may work. I don’t want to lead this guy on, even if I have to play nice.”

“And the guys? Do they know about this?”

I gave her a face—one that said, hell fucking no, they don’t know.

Amber sighed and then stood, walking to the closet we shared. “Girl, you’re playing with fire.”

“What else is new?”

I was caught between my father and secret boyfriends—my funding and the integrity of my relationships. It was stupid, but I’d warned them. My father was nothing but trouble. The best thing to do was to play his game and then hope for the best.

“So you need to straddle the line.”

“Yep.”

Amber pulled a red school jersey out of the closet and tossed it on the bed. She moved to my top dresser drawer and rummaged through, pulling out a plain, white bra and threw it my way. I caught it with a raised eyebrow. “Go invite Samantha. We’ve got a lot of work to do to make you a convincing church girl with enough sex appeal to make this kid, Noah, feel good about himself. God, I can’t believe I’m involved with this.”

I’d played this game before—with disastrous results—but this was just once—one night and one party. When it was over, I’d tell the guys and apologize.

At least that was what I told myself as I walked across the suite. What could go wrong?

15

I knew my outfit for the night was going to hit the mark the second I walked into the aquatic center. Three sets of eyes shifted in my direction, taking in the tight-fitting football jersey and cut-off jean shorts. Hayden’s eyes lingered on the two French braids hanging over my shoulders. Jackson’s were glued to my legs, and Oliver, he scanned me head-to-toe, eyes lingering over his favorite spots.

It was a work of art—designed with my knowledge of slutty school-girl wear and Amber’s sense of empowerment. It was equal parts flirty and chaste. The perfect combination to get Noah’s “attention” while still blending in. Honestly, I worried I maybe nailed it too closely, because all three of the boys looked like they may climb out of their skin. I untied the swim hoodie I stole from Anderson from around my waist and tugged it on.

“Heaven!” Jackson called, scooting over to make room. Samantha followed me and said hi to all the guys. Hayden leaned over Jackson and gave me a hug. Oliver winked at me and I smiled back.

“Hey, Samantha,” Oliver said. “Did I see you at the baseball field the other day?”

The tips of her ears turned red and she nodded.

“She just came to hang with me,” I replied. “But then she realized watching baseball practice was boring as hell and she ran away while she had the chance.”

“Boring?” Jackson snorted. “Baseball is the thinking man’s game. It’s not boring.”

“You made it just in time,” Hayden said. “Anderson’s big event is next.”

I glanced up at the digital chart on the wall. Anderson’s name was on up there: Thompson: Lane 5 200 Butterfly.

Oh god, Anderson was swimming butterfly. Be still my heart.

I scanned the pool deck, looking for the familiar body, and found him sitting on a bench behind the starter blocks. Earphones covered his ears and he wore a hoodie that matched mine but about two sizes larger. He stared straight ahead, obviously in some kind of zone. This wasn’t my first swim meet of his I’d attended, but this was race was definitely the most important.

“If he gets less than 1:56, he’ll set the school record and move to the finals,” I told Samantha.

“Wow, so he’s really that good?”

“Olympic good,” Oliver answered. I heard the nerves in his voice. We all knew how much Anderson wanted and deserved this. I sure as hell hoped my pre-meet stress reliever wasn’t a bad idea.

The swimmers of the prior race hopped out of the pool and the announcer called the men to the starter blocks. Anderson removed his headphones and unzipped his hoodie, revealing his muscular, toned back, chest, and arms. His abs were breathtaking and Samantha made a small noise from beside me.

I couldn’t even get jealous. His body was a work of art, like a statue carved from marble, and deserved every impressed ogle he got.

Adjusting his goggles and cap, he climbed the step to the top of the small, square platform. His name was written over his forehead: Thompson. He looked ridiculously huge up there, shoulders wider than the block. The judge made a few comments and Anderson spared a glance in our direction. The boys took that as an opportunity to shout their support.

“Go Thompson!”

“Kill it, dude!”

“Swim, man, swim!”

His eyes locked with mine. I mouthed, good luck and he turned away, refocused on the race.

My stomach twisted anxiously, and I grabbed onto Jackson’s arm. He rubbed my hand with his.

“Oh my god,” I muttered under my breath. I’d never been so nervous for someone before. “I think I’m going to puke.”

“Divers, ready!” They folded over, fingertips on the edge of the block, magnificent backs exposed.

Bang!

The starter gun went off and all eight men dove into the pool. Anderson’s dive was perfection, long and clean under the water. He emerged last but farthest down the lane. His shoulders heaved out of the water, hands arcing over and crashing into the crystal clear pool. He was a beast and I was utterly transfixed on his graceful yet competitive movements.

He wasn’t alone, a solitary swimmer chased him through the water. His opponent’s yellow cap bobbed milliseconds behind.

“Who is that?” Samantha asked.

“Bobby Lee from Virginia Tech,” Oliver replied. “He’s beaten Anderson before at the Junior Nationals Finals.”

The cheering echoed in the aquatic center, bouncing off the high ceilings. I wasn’t cheering, though—I was petrified, breathless, in awe.

Anderson’s turn was perfection, easing back down the lane toward the finish. His legs moved in tandem, dolphin-kicking away from the wall. His stroke was steady. The rest of the swimmers faded away, lengths behind him, but Lee persevered, chasing after him. His lean body bobbed off the waves Anderson created with his massive force.

I hadn’t dared look at the clock—I couldn’t bring myself to. It was less about beating Lee than beating the clock, although both were important. Anderson inched closer to the finish and the boys hopped out of their seats, dragging me with them. The cheering reached epic levels and Jackson muttered words of encouragement under his breath.

“I can’t look,” I said, but that was a lie; I couldn’t tear my eyes away as he reached the finish line, both hands crashing into the touch pad a millisecond before Lee. Anderson spun and looked at the clock, his coach bent and talking to him already. Our eyes followed his and his time blinked from the top slot on the chart.

1:52

He killed it.

“Oh my god!” I shouted, Jackson picked me up in giant bear hug, his strong arms crushing me. I squawked and he laughed, releasing me.

“Come on,” Oliver said, heading down the bleachers. We raced after them and at the edge of the final one, I jumped down the final step and Hayden grabbed my hands and helped me down.

“You’re shaking,” he said.

“I was so nervous.”

He brushed my hair out of my face. “We really don’t deserve you, you know that?”

I frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re so good to us; supportive and always there. I know you’re stretched thin with school and your own stuff, but you always make time for us.” His gray eyes penetrated mine. “You’re A++ girlfriend material.”

I glanced behind me, happy to see that Samantha had already followed the others across the deck. Anderson pulled himself out of the pool, water running down his body like a river.

“I love you, too.” I touched his hip and he responded to it with a mega-watt smile.

“Go see him.”

I pushed through the crowd of teammates and coaches. Anderson’s parents had come down for the event and his mom gave him a huge hug. I eased in to the side, catching his eye. His lips curved into a grin when he saw me, his eyes so intense that my skin prickled.

I felt the eyes of everyone on me—his coach, his parents…Samantha, but I pushed past the worries over them seeing me. I was here to support my friend. No one needed to know anything else. He broke away from the others, pulling his cap off his head, revealing his mop of coppery-brown hair.

When he got close enough I lunged for him, slamming into his soaking-wet body. “You did it!”

“I know,” he said, pulling me to his chest. “I can’t believe it.”

“I knew you could,” I said, lifting my chin. “I knew it.”

“That’s the best time I’ve ever had. I broke the school record. It’s just a smidge higher than Phelps,” he said, rambling in his excitement.

“You’re only going to get better.”

He bent down so his mouth was close to my ear. “That thing you did before the meet? I told you—you’re my lucky charm.”

I snorted. “You think so?”

He smirked. “Oh, I know so. You know how superstitious we are before meets. You’re part of the routine now.”

I remembered how he felt, the way he looked as I pleasured him. Yeah, I was down for being part of his ritual. “So what are you saying…I’m a habit?”

He slung a wet arm around me and whispered in my ear, “A bad habit—but one I never want to break, got it?”

My cheeks flushed at his comment but I knew how he felt. Every day I felt the bond with these guys more than the day before. I loved it. And loved them.

My phone vibrated just as his coach called him over. He had two more events before the night was over.

I checked the message.

You on the way? I’m here and wearing my Terrance Ackerman jersey. #14—Noah.

I glanced at Anderson. The last thing I wanted was to leave him. He saw my expression and said, “I know you need to go do some stuff for your dad. It’s okay.”

“I’m so sorry,” I said. “Samantha’s going with me, so the guys can stay.”

He looked over at my suitemate and nodded. “Be careful.”

“I will. And good luck on the rest of the meet. I’ll have Oliver record it so we can watch later.”

He glanced at Samantha once again and mumbled “fuck it” under his breath before closing the distance between us. He pulled me in for a kiss—for luck—and a shot of electricity that curled my toes, lingering long after we parted.

I refused to look at his mom or even any of the other guys. I just said, “Good luck,” and walked over to Samantha. “You ready?”

“Uh,” she peeked at Anderson, who was already walking back to the swimmer bullpen. “Wow. That was hot.”

“It’s just a little good luck thing. Nothing big.”

She followed me out of the pool and into the much cooler and less humid night air. “You can say that wasn’t anything big, Heaven, but that guy…wow. It may not have meant anything to you, but it sure as hell meant something to him.”

I stopped abruptly, feeling defensive, but that wasn’t fair. Samantha was a friend. Or could be if I let down a few walls. “The relationship I have with these guys is complicated. We’re super close. We’ve dated. We’re all really good friends. But it’s also super private and something just between us.”

“Is that why you didn’t tell them you were going to meet a guy tonight?”

I blinked. “What?”

“You told them you’re running an ‘errand’ and being super vague about the fact there’s a guy waiting for you at the party.”

“That guy is the errand—set up by my father.” I rubbed my temples. “Do you have a problem or something? I invited you to be nice—not to get an interrogation.”

“I appreciate it, but I don’t know, there’s something shady going on with you and those guys.” She looked me up and down. “Ruthie told me how defensive you got over Anderson the other day. Now I understand why.”

I took a deep breath. “Look, my dad is a piece of work. I can’t—no, won’t—even go into it for your sake. But he’s asked me to jump and I’ve got no choice. So yeah, I’m hiding what I’m doing from the guys tonight because they would lose their shit if they found out, which ultimately would get them caught up in everything. It’s not a big deal. It’s just my dad, who is shady as hell. You’re right about that. But it’s easiest if I just do what he asks and then move on.”

“Okay,” she said.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, my dad can be a dick, too. When he’s even around.”

I fought off the feeling of anxiety from the vulnerability of revealing all that information. “I hear that.”

“Come on,” she said, easing her tone. “Let’s go run your errand and check out this party. Since you’re obviously not sharing, maybe I can find a guy on my own.”

We walked through campus, headed toward fraternity row. Samantha seemed calmer now that she knew the truth and maybe I didn’t realize how difficult I made things by having so many secrets.

The problem was that I didn’t trust anyone—high school taught me that—but I had a feeling that if I was going to be happy, I’d have to learn to depend on people outside Amber and the Allendale Four.

The bad thing for me was that idea was absolutely terrifying.

16

My father was right, if there was one thing I’d learned in high school, it was how to make a scene and get attention. I knew the instant we walked through the door to the party and spotted Noah across the room. Noah was like Justin and Eric and half the other boys in my high school; a little nerdy, a little lost, and desperately in need of an ego boost.

Heaven to the rescue—saving one socially awkward boy at a time.

“Seriously, thanks for coming with me to this,” I said. “I don’t know anyone here.”

She shrugged. “Maybe I can corrupt one of these guys. I like a challenge.”

Yowza.

I unzipped my hoodie and hung it on the rack by the door. “So why did your dad send you here?” Samantha asked.

I shook my head. “See Noah over there?” I pointed to the guy in the number fourteen jersey, just like he’d told me he’d be. He was skinny and had a patchy beard that made him look more mature than he’d look without it. He stood with a couple of other guys.

“Yeah.” She wrinkled her nose. Samantha had made it perfectly clear she was into big, athletic guys.

“I’m supposed to make him feel special. Stand by him and laugh at his jokes. Look pretty on his arm.”

“You’re kidding.” She looked at the hint of cleavage popping out the V-neck of my jersey. “He wants you to…”

I shook my head. “Trust me, I’ve done it before. I can handle it.”

Retrieving my phone, I typed out a message.

Hey, #14, I’m here!!

I pressed send.

I waited a heartbeat and he reacted to the vibration in his pocket. He looked up, made eye contact, and smiled. I smiled back.

He walked over and pulled me into a hug. Okay, then.

“Noah?” I asked.

“That’s me. And wow, when they named you they sure had it right.” He had a slight southern drawl. I had to admit it was pretty cute.

“This is my roommate, Samantha.”

He smiled. “Glad you could come. You guys want a drink? We’ve got some Jesus Juice.”

“Uh, Jesus Juice?” I asked.

“Well, the frats all have their special cocktails. Ours doesn’t have liquor in it but it tastes pretty good.”

“Sure, that sounds great.”

“Come on, I’ll show you around.

I followed him through the living room. The Christian Center was located in an historic home—just like the frats, and surprisingly it was one of the bigger houses; historic with large columns. He led us to the back door where it was obvious the party was in full swing. I heard a shout, followed by a splash.

“You have a pool?” Samantha asked.

“Yep. And a hot tub,” he replied, smugly. When we both looked surprised, he said, “I know we’re religious but we’re not prudes. Showing a little skin isn’t a sin.”

My father would die if he heard that.

Samantha scanned the patio and her eyes brightened. “Oh, I see a friend from class. I’m going to say hi.” She looked at me. “Is that okay?”

“Sure, have fun. We’ll catch up soon.”

Noah had curly black hair that was long on the top but short on the sides. He was cute enough—but not my type—and I needed to figure out what he wanted out of this meeting

“So your dad knows my dad,” I said, taking a sip of the fruity Jesus Juice. It was pretty good.

“Yep, they set this whole thing up.”

“Any idea why?”

His eyes raked over me. “Not specifically, but I’m glad they did.” He took a sip of his drink. “My father believes in establishing contacts through the church—linking up with the right people.”

I laughed. “Not sure how I’m going to help you. I’m new on campus, overwhelmed by classes. Not super social or anything or, frankly, very religious.” I clamped my mouth shut. “Don’t tell my dad that.”

He smiled. “I won’t, and for one thing, you’re beautiful, you’ve got that going for you.”

Wait…what happened to shy Noah? My dad may have had his information wrong.

I raised an eyebrow. “If I had to guess, this is really about my dad making a point about who he thinks I should make friends with at school—while developing those connections your dad is fond of.”

“What? He doesn’t like your friends?”

I hadn’t given him the chance to get to know them.

“I try to keep my personal life away from my dad. He has a way of getting too involved.” I smiled. “You know, like this entire situation.”

“Maybe he’s just protective.” He slid a little closer. I really didn’t know what my father had set up before I came here. Did he want me to date Noah? Flatter him? There was no doubt we’d gotten a little attention since we staked out this corner of the kitchen.

“I heard you were shy and needed a friend,” I confessed. “That doesn’t seem to be the case. What gives?”

Noah looked over my shoulder at a few girls walking through the kitchen. If we added a keg and a dose of machoism, we’d be at a standard party. “My dad financially supports this center with huge donations. He wants me to be a leader in the church and in his eyes, I can’t do that without a nice girl on my arm. I think he’s also embarrassed I don’t have a steady girlfriend—he’s accused me more than once of being gay.”

“Are you? Because if you are, that’s not a big deal for me.”

“I’m not gay,” he said. “But I’m also not a saint. Not the kind that my father wants me to be.”

I sighed. “Totally get this. I’m not who my father wants me to be, either.”

Things were starting to click. I’d been down this road before, but this time the arrangement was helping my dad, whereas last time it only benefitted Justin. There wasn’t much I could get out of this other than getting him off my back.

“Basically, we both need a cover for our true selves. A steady friend of the opposite sex for them to feel comfortable with, and if your dad is happy…” I suggested.

“Then he’ll donate to whatever project your dad has in mind at his church,” he replied with a sly grin.

“What kind of proof do you think they’ll want? What sort of evidence?”

“My dad has spies all over the place. He keeps tracks. Fuck, I even caught him paying my roommate to send him details on any women I’m seeing.”

“You’re joking.”

He shook his head. “Nope.”

“My dad is really up in my business, too. It sucks.” Although I didn’t think he’d gone so far as to pay off Amber for dirt on me. I planned on asking her though.

“So maybe if we do this, they’ll back off?”

“Do what?”

“Hang out together. Post a few photos—”

“No!” I shouted, garnering a few looks. “Sorry, I just don’t do social media. Ever.”

“Maybe just a few sent to our fathers? Let them see we made friends? Maybe they’ll ease up.”

I eyed him skeptically. “What are your expectations? Because I’m not sleeping with you. Or kissing you.”

He blinked. “Wow. Okay. That wasn’t my intention, Heaven. I think hanging out a few times on campus, and if they come to town, we can have dinner or something.”

“No social media.”

He held up his hand. “None. I promise.”

“Okay, we can do a few things, but not a lot. I’m busy and I’m sure you are too. Next time my dad comes up we can have dinner.”

He smiled wide, relieved. “I think that’s a great idea.”

Noah held out his hand—offering it for me to shake. I’ve made deals like this before and they’ve gotten me nothing but trouble in return, yet I grasped it anyway, finding myself once again playing with fire.

17

Now that Noah and I had a plan, I knew it was time to tell the guys what was going on. The last thing I needed was for them to come across the two of us talking on campus and get protective.

It was Friday night, the day after Anderson’s record-breaking swim meet and the party with Noah, and I was stuffed into a corner booth with the guys at The Griddle, a twenty-four-seven breakfast place.

I sat in the middle, surrounded by my handsome, starving boyfriends as they inhaled plates of food. I had my own small stack of pancakes and a side of bacon, but seriously, these guys’ stomachs were bottomless pits.

Oliver groaned, dropping his fork, leaning back to rub his belly. Jackson stabbed the last piece of sausage off his teammate’s plate. Hayden shoved in eggs and bacon because he’d recently gone low carb, and Anderson just ate everything in sight.

“You want that?” he asked me, about the half of a pancake left on my plate.

“No.”

He picked it up with fingers and licked the syrup off with his tongue.

Jesus.

Invoking the son of God’s name reminded me of what I needed to tell them. “Okay, so I have something we need to talk about.”

All eyes shifted to me and I squirmed a little in my seat.

“First of all, I need you to listen and not react. Let me explain everything before you freak out.”

“Wait? I need to be prepared to freak out?” Jackson asked. “What am I freaking out about?”

“I swear on my mother’s life, I didn’t do anything,” Hayden said.

“You’re not freaking out,” I said. “That’s the whole point.”

“Let Heaven talk,” Oliver said, rolling his eyes. “Lay it on us.”

I smiled at him gratefully and took a deep, steadying breath. “You know my dad is a bit…controlling.”

“Shady as fuck,” Hayden muttered under his breath.

“And shady as fuck,” I agreed. “Last night he asked me to run an errand for him. It wasn’t exactly an errand—he wanted me to go meet someone. At a party.”

Anderson lowered his fork. “At the church thing?”

“Meet who?” Hayden added. His shoulders hunched.

“No freaking out,” I reminded them.

Hayden blinked. Oliver sat up in his seat and Jackson rubbed his chin. Anderson? Well he worked his jaw so hard I thought it may snap.

“His name is Noah and he seems fine. Both of our dads are worried about our social standing and want us to hang out together.”

“Hang out?” Hayden asked. “Is that code for sex?”

“Dammit,” Oliver said, punching Hayden in the shoulder. “I can’t believe you just asked her that! It was a church thing, for Christ’s sake.”

“I’m just trying to figure it out!”

I sighed and rubbed my head. “Stop it. Noah is kind of a nerd who isn’t into all this religion stuff as much as his dad wants him to be. Like me. We’re both in a bind and we agreed that we could help each other out by being friends.”

Hayden snorted.

“Of course he wants to be friends. You’re fucking hot,” Jackson declared. “Who wouldn’t want to be seen with you?”

My cheeks heated at his compliment. “I told him no social media, no kissing, and absolutely no sex. Of any kind.”

“No touching at all,” Oliver added. Then he looked guilty for bossing me. “Sorry. I got carried away. Heaven, I trust you. If you feel like this is something you need to do to keep things on good terms with your father, I get it.”

“Thank you. I really think if I play along, maybe my dad will get the funding from Noah’s father and he’ll back off on some of the other stuff.” I looked around the table. “It sounds like Noah’s dad is even worse. He pays his roommates to spy on him.”

Jackson’s jaw dropped. “Wow. That’s third-level psycho. Are you sure this is safe?”

“I think it will be fine but look, I’ll give you or Amber my location all the time if I’m with him. Full transparency with you guys.”

“Did you tell him about us?” Anderson asked.

“I haven’t told anyone about you,” I confessed. “Although Samantha has her suspicions. I just don’t want my dad to mess up what we’ve got. He’s holding all the strings right now.”

I could tell that didn’t go over well with the guys, but what else could I say. I was trying to be truthful and that was the truth. My father had his thumb on me.

Hayden slung his arm over my shoulder and pulled me in close. “You know we just want you to be safe, right? That more than anything else.”

I nodded and kept on a brave face. “I’m fine. This guy…he’s pretty harmless.”

“Yeah, that’s what we thought about Spencer,” Oliver said quietly. Spencer did seem pretty benign until we found out he was the one stalking and harassing me my senior year. I didn’t fully appreciate how dangerous he was until he tried to attack me at the winter formal. A rock settled in my stomach at the memory.

“He’s not Spencer. And nothing is going to happen. We’ll get through the next few weeks and then I’ll tell my dad it’s just not working and move on, okay?”

They all nodded, well, everyone but Anderson, who looked like he may stab the table with the fork he continued to grip like a weapon in his hand.

“A few weeks,” he finally said. “But after that, we have to come up with something else. This is too hard on you and too hard on us. Deal?”

I held his eyes, green and unforgiving. He was right. This was only a short-term game—nothing longer. I nodded in agreement. “Deal.”

* * *

“Yes, Daddy,” I said, holding the phone between the crook of my neck and chin, “Noah was really nice. We hung out at the party and plan on spending some more time together.”

“That’s good to hear, Heaven. I know his father’s been worried about him.”

I had an overflowing laundry basket in my hands and I leaned against the wall to catch my breath. “I’m not sure why. Has lots of friends and seems pretty nice. What’s there to be worried about?”

“Success is measured in different ways, Heaven. It’s a man’s world—don’t worry about the little things.”

I dropped the basket on the floor with a loud thump. “Excuse me?”

“I said it’s a man’s world—you just need to find your role in it. I knew the minute I saw how beautiful you’d become that you’d be a good asset to my mission at the church. God blesses us in many ways.”

“Dad,” I said, trying to keep my cool, “women aren’t considered an asset and it most certainly isn’t only a man’s world. I know you’ve been,” I swallow back my rage, “away and that you grew up in a pretty conservative environment, but women can do anything a man can do, you know that, right?”

“Sure, honey,” he said unconvincingly. “Who knew you’d turn into such a spit-ball? When I left you were so quiet and meek. Your mother told me you struggled and I wasn’t sure if you’d get out of that frame of mind, but I can see that you’re different now. I like it. I bet Noah will like it, too.”

I fought back a groan and picked up my basket, relieved Amber walked through the door so I could go through.

“Look Daddy, I’m going to do laundry. I should go.”

“Okay sweetheart, you take care of yourself. I’ll be in touch.”

I hung up the phone and muttered a few choice words under my breath.

“Your dad?” she asked.

“How did you know?”

“You get this little wrinkle between your eyes when he calls.”

I mounted the basket on my hip and rubbed the spot with my finger. “Great, now he’ll give me wrinkles as well as a complex.”

“A complex about what?”

Oh hell no would I tell Amber about my father’s ideas about women, she’d lose her shit and confront him. We’d both have to drop out of school. See? Strings. “Never mind.”

She frowned but let it go. “What’s this? You’ve got a big night doing laundry, huh?”

“Actually, I have a date. A laundry date.”

“Oh yeah? With who?”

I smiled. “Hayden.”

“Hayden does laundry? I’d pay to see that.”

“Right? I don’t think he’s actually bringing laundry. He asked me to pose for his drawing class and this is the only free time I have.”

She smirked. “He wants to draw you? That’s pretty sexy.”

It was sexy. I’d seen Hayden’s work before—even drawings of me—but watching him do it? A chill ran down my spine. “Yep. Sexy.”

Amber opened the door to the community laundry facility in the basement of our building. “Have fun. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

I frowned. “In the laundry room?”

She smiled wickedly. “You never know.”

18

Hayden

After the insanity of the week, finding a time to see Heaven and get my homework done seemed like a constant struggle. Every encounter with her was too brief. Our lives were all chaotic and with the addition of this Noah kid, he would only take up more time.

That was why, when Heaven said she had to do laundry, I took the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. I packed up my art supplies and headed over to Stetson Hall.

The girls’ dorm was a world apart from athletic housing. It smelled like perfume and shampoo instead of feet and old cheese.

“Can you direct me to the laundry room?” I asked a tiny girl with glasses. She pointed to a door down the hall. Her eyes were wide at my sheer size.

“Thanks,” I said.

“Sure,” she squeaked.

I pushed open the basement door and jogged down the stairs, stopping when I caught sight of my girl, bending over the washing machine.

Have mercy.

I watched her for a moment, eyeing her ass in a form-fitting pair of gray and black leggings. They fit tight over every inch of her hips and thighs, leaving zero question about the thong panties she wore underneath. She wore a red tank, with cut-outs and ties at the shoulders. Her hair was bound in a knot behind her head. She was damn sexy and I thought about her all the time. All. The. Fucking. Time. Not a day went by that I didn’t kick my own ass for giving up the chance to make love to her in my room that night. A night I sorely regret. I’d only pissed her off and cockblocked myself, but even now I knew that wasn’t the right time or place. We were still percolating. Building this relationship slowly.

The tightening in my jeans told me our dance was running out, though. I didn’t know how much longer I could hold out. Not when she wanted it so badly, too.

“Hey,” I said, taking the last few steps and walking across the room. We were alone and I didn’t hesitate before closing the gap and pushing a hand into her silky hair.

“Hi.”

I leaned over and kissed her softly—twice—taking my time. She sucked on my bottom lip, encouraging me, and I kissed her again, this time little harder. She pressed her hands into my chest, surely able to feel my hammering heart.

“Don’t you have a drawing to get started on?” she asked in a breathy tone.

I licked my lips, tasting her. “Look at you, cracking the whip.”

Her eyes carried a devilish glint and she ran her fingers through the shaggy hair hanging in my eyes and skimmed my jaw. “Get to work and maybe I’ll reward you later.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I moved to the table used for folding clothes and opened my kit, spreading my pencils, erasers, and charcoal in an orderly row. I took out a large sketchbook and laid it on the table, flipping to a fresh, blank sheet.

“Where do you want me?” she asked.

On this fucking table, I almost said. On the floor. Bent over the washer—Jesus. I cut the internal monologue. “Do you mind standing?”

“No, I can do that, although I can’t guarantee it won’t be awkward.”

I laughed, because her awkwardness was what made her so endearing. She was small but full of a graceful passion. When I was around her I felt like a brute. Too big and powerful. Massive in a way the other guys weren’t. All muscle where they were mostly lean. I needed the hard-packed bulk to dominate the soccer goal. But with her it just made me nervous. What if I hurt her? I was used to fending off six-foot forwards, not hundred-pound sexy girls I could crush with my hands.

I made her nervous, I always had. My presence was what kept me at a higher station from the rest of the school, from the members of my team. But Heaven? She knocked me to my knees.

“I’d like to do a full body pose,” I said. “Here.” I grabbed her shoulders and shuffled us over to the old, mustard yellow washing machine. “Like this, I think.”

“You want me cleaning? You may be more like my father than I knew.”

“Trust me, sweetheart,” I said in a low voice. “I’m not your daddy.”

I pushed her against the machine, manipulating her hands so they were flat on the top and then shifted her shoulders so they were slightly to the side. “Lift your chin.”

She followed direction, catching my eyes. I used my finger to tilt her to the left then right, until Heaven was ultimately looking slightly over her shoulder. I reached for her hair, unraveling it and combing it into a long sheet down her back. “Tell me if you get tired.”

“I will,” she said. I couldn’t help but stop and stare at her. “What? Do I need to move?”

“Nope. I’m just thinking about how fucking beautiful you are.”

Her cheeks flamed red and I wanted to kiss her so badly.

Instead, I moved just out of her line of vision and hopped up on the work table. I crossed my legs and placed the sketchbook on my lap. Choosing a stick of charcoal, I sketched an outline of the scene; the wall, the machine, Heaven standing in the foreground. The machine vibrated under her hands, making her hair shiver, and the only sound in the room was the whirring of the washer and the stroke of the charcoal.

After a while, the rhythm of the machine seemed to lull Heaven into a quiet trance and the moment shifted, charging with intimacy. It was different than any other we’d had. The rest of the campus was out and about on a Saturday night like they should be, but here we were, alone in the laundry room.

“I remember the first time I saw you,” I said suddenly.

“When was that?” Her neck craned but she forced herself to stay in position.

“Not as early as the others,” I admitted. “I mean, I remember you transferring in middle school, but you weren’t on my radar back then. I was mostly about food, sports, and video games back then. I don’t think we had any classes together and you were just this girl Anderson wouldn’t stop bitching about.”

She laughed.

“Jackson had his eye on you for years. He always had his eye on the hot girls. Oliver knew you from class. But I was out of the loop. Self-absorbed and not paying attention, until one day I only vaguely knew who you were and then all of a sudden you were just there. Occupying way more mental real estate than I knew existed.”

“What got your attention? The thigh-high boots or the school-girl plaid skirt?”

I laughed. She knew me well. I never paid her a bit of attention until she amped up her slutty clothing game. Not because I was into sluts, but there something about her—about her attitude, her style. I couldn’t look away. Just like right now.

That was the thing about Heaven—the most normal moments became tense and filled with desire. The grasp of control I had when it came to her was wearing thin.

I wanted Heaven so badly. I wanted every part of her, but I wasn’t a gentleman like Anderson. Or kind and careful like Oliver. I wasn’t even a horny bastard like Jackson who could smile and make everyone feel special.

I was filled with testosterone, aggression, and pure passion. I worked, played, and loved hard, and I’d held back for so long that I didn’t know what would happen if I allowed myself to cross the line.

I waited a beat—two, telling myself to keep away—maintaining my distance. This was not the time and definitely not the place. Heaven stood frozen against that machine, her tits bouncing slightly with the vibration of the machine. I could handle it. I was handling it until she tilted her head in my direction and licked those pink, puffy lips and there was no doubt in my mind it was an invitation.

And I was out of fucks to give.

Every. Damn. One.

19

I heard him slide off the table and walk over. I didn’t move an inch. “It was that fucking skirt,” he said. “That day in the garden. I knew Oliver and the others had plans to protect you from those douchebags at school. I was down for that, but that day when you came out in the courtyard, red-cheeked and upset. Damnit. I knew right then what all the fuss was about.”

He stood behind me, hand lightly grazing my back. I inhaled, consumed with his closeness, his towering height. He touched my hair, pushing it aside to expose my neck. His lips blazed hot on my neck, under my jaw. His fingers tugged at the back of my shirt, moving to my arms and lighting a fire across my skin. The pads of his fingers danced over the scars and my belly filled with desperate want.

“So you liked my skirt?” I asked, too aware we were in a semi-public place.

“Hell yes. It was all short and barely skimming your perfect, tantalizing ass.” His hands wandered down to my leggings, cupping the curve of my butt. “And those pigtails and that tight, white shirt. School-boy fantasy, babe.”

I swallowed. “What other kinds of fantasies do you have?”

He grew still, fingers still teasing my backside. He bent and kissed my shoulder, ignoring my question.

Touching the edge of the washer, I moved to turn, but he held me in position, his hips pressing into my backside. He was hard and the mere thought, feeling, of it created a flurry of excitement in my lower belly. I blinked, looking at the wall in front of me, at the poster explaining how to call maintenance if there was a problem, and remembered that day. If that day turned him on, it wasn’t just the clothes, it was being outside—alone—but also in public. Like now.

I eased back, feeling him behind me, and his teeth scraped along my collar bone. “Is this what you want? How you want it?”

He grunted. “The guys would kill me.”

They still had hang-ups. Each one of them were terrified they’d break me or offend me or treat me wrong. The reverse was true. I was having to break them down one at a time. “The guys aren’t here. This is between you and me. Our relationship. Our rules.”

He still wasn’t convinced. I felt the hesitation tremble in his body. I lifted a hand back behind my head, touching his hair and neck. I leaned into him and he wrapped his strong arms around my stomach.

“I know you think it’s easy,” he said quietly, “But we promised one another we’d always treat you right, take care of you and respect you.” He ran his nose down the column of my neck. “The things I want to do to you…they are definitely not how you treat someone you love.”

The strain in his voice, the undeniable desire…it made me weak in the knees. I couldn’t help but say, “Tell me what you want to do.”

He swallowed thickly, his voice quiet in my ear. “I want to take you here—now, with the risk of someone catching us. I want to claim you, let the world know you’re mine and most of all let you know that I’m in—all in. That I love and worship you. I want to hear you cry my name when you come. I want to have to hold you up because you’re so overwhelmed you can’t stand.”

Holy. Shit.

“It’s too much,” he confessed.

“No,” I breathed. “No, it’s not. If anything, it’s not enough. When you hold back it makes me feel…inadequate. Like you don’t think I can take it. That I’m still the pathetic Heaven that had no friends and gets used by the people in my life. Not the person I’ve strived to become.”

He spun me around, gray eyes searching mine. “Inadequate? You’re fucking with me.”

Tears burned in my eyes. I don’t know why I had to have this conversation with them over and over but dammit, I wanted more.

His jaw ticked and he bent down and kissed me softly on the lips; a strange, gentle gesture. When we parted, the color of his eyes shifted, darkened, and he turned me back around.

“Let me explain something to you,” he said, in a gruff voice. “I hold back because I’m terrified of myself.” He placed our hands together. His dwarfed mine. “It’s not your mind that I’m worried about, babe. It’s your body. If I let go, like really, really let go, I could hurt you.”

“I’m stronger than I look.”

We stared at one another for a beat longer and with sudden force, his chest slammed into my back and I leaned into him. Hayden’s hand crept up my shirt, palming my breast. His movements weren’t gentle, but firm. He knew what he wanted and god, I wanted it, too.

His fingers dipped under my waistband, diving deep, touching me between my legs. His breath grew ragged and deep.

“Put your hands on the washer,” he told me.

I did, and he rummaged through his pockets dropping coins, wadded up paper and a condom nearby. He picked up the condom and tore the wrapper with his teeth.

I heard the clink of his buckle and the rustle of his jeans as they fell to the ground. I felt the soft brush of his cock across my backside as it sprang to life. Then he rolled the condom on and I waited, petrified to move—scared he’d change his mind.

He reached for my leggings and yanked them down, the cool air from the basement hitting my thighs. He ran his hands over my ass, cupping my cheeks, then easing my panties over my hips.

I trembled at his touch and he said, “Heav, you okay?”

I nodded.

“Speak up, or we can’t do this.”

“Yes. I’m okay. I want this.”

He tapped my hip. “Spread wider.”

My stomach dropped, but I did as he directed. The weight of his hands dragged down my sides, landing at my hip.

His cock pressed into me, slipping between my legs, until he pushed in, catching me off guard. I gasped, adjusting for the briefest of moments but the feeling was so powerful, so intoxicating that I slammed back, taking him all the way in.

Hayden responded with a deep groan that shuddered from his chest through my own. At first, he moved slowly and I let him take the lead. I didn’t know what I wanted—what he wanted—this was the first time I’d done something like this. Was I doing it wrong? Was there a reason he moved so slow? His fingers tightened at my hips and a feral moan fell from his lips and he just…let loose.

The tentativeness from earlier was gone and Hayden pounded into me from behind. I clung to the washer, watching the coins from his pocket bounce across the metal with every thrust until they found a pace, a rhythm that was uniquely ours.

A slow-moving wave rolled over me, separating my body from anything that wasn’t connected directly back to my person. Anything that wasn’t Hayden in this very defined moment. My elbows buckled and his arm snaked around me, holding me up just like he’d wanted. I felt him everywhere and the tight coil inside my belly wound and wound until I was sure it would snap, breaking me into a million pieces.

“Oh god,” I cried, barely able to speak. Hayden held on tight, never stopping, never letting go. My name fell from his lips.

I fell forward, collapsing on my arms, my insides quivering with release, which only seemed to encourage him. Hayden pumped in me harder but more definitive, eventually groaning with deep satisfaction. He eased in and out, slowing, finishing, until his hand landed on my back and he pulled away.

I rested my face on the cool metal of the washer, overcome.

Breathing heavy behind me, he walked off for a second, tossing the condom in the trash. I watched him go, looking at the lean muscles of his thighs, the red heat of his cock. He glanced my way, worry marring his face. I lifted up to my elbows.

“Tell me you’re okay.”

“I love you.”

He stopped cold. “Even after acting like a barbarian?”

“Because you acted like a barbarian.”

He smiled and footsteps sounded on the stairs.

“Fuck,” he whispered. With wide eyes and laughing we scrambled, tugging on clothes and covering ourselves before two girls from the second floor barged in with their laundry baskets.

I busied myself with changing out laundry and Hayden shoved the condom wrapper in his pocket. We carried a load over to the table, ignoring the girls and the heat of our cheeks for almost getting caught. I glanced down and saw his sketchpad and picked it up.

I shook my head and laughed. Sure, it was a drawing of me standing at the washer, looking to the side just as I’d posed. But instead of a tank and leggings, he drew me like he’d seen me that very first day. White shirt, plaid skirt, the edge of my ass hanging out.

We may have fulfilled one of Hayden’s fantasies tonight, but one day I’d definitely have to dig out that skirt again.

20

On Monday, after class, I was surprised to find Noah in my suite.

“Hey,” I said, walking through the door. He’s sitting on the chair and Ruthie lounged on the couch. “What are you doing here?”

“I was looking for you,” he said. “Your dad gave my dad your address, I hope that’s okay.”

“I told him he could wait,” Ruthie said. “I knew your psych class was over at four.”

My suitemate had on a workout outfit, her red hair pulled back in a high ponytail. Full makeup covered her face and I didn’t know if she actually exercised that way or not. My eyes slid to the square Apple watch on her wrist. I hadn’t seen it before.

I turned to Noah. “What’s going on?”

His eyes darted uncomfortably to Ruthie and she took the hint, standing and making an excuse to leave. She programmed something in her watch, grabbed her headphones and walked out the door.

“My parents are coming up this weekend for the game. They have a standard tail-gate spot and I thought maybe you could join us.”

I mentally scanned my weekend. I didn’t have much planned. The guys were all involved in their own sporting activities—most off campus. “Yeah, I think I can do that.”

He broke into a wide grin. “Great. I think this will be the perfect thing to get my dad off my back.”

“Maybe it will work for both of us.”

He relaxed into the chair, letting his legs take up most of the floor. “This dormitory is pretty nice. All girls?”

“Yeah. That was my dad’s idea.”

“I bet. So, yeah, I wanted to ask…are you dating anyone?”

Loaded question. I wrinkled my nose—surely a tell for lying. “Not seriously.”

“Good,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to make some guy mad that we’re hanging out.”

Try four, I wanted to say.

“Eh, what we’re doing is family obligation,” I said, not liking how it felt. Sure, I’d been truthful about Noah to the guys and I’d tell them about this weekend, but Hayden made one thing clear Saturday night. He wanted the world to know I was his. Theirs. I was blurring lines and didn’t like it.

“I’ve never tailgated before,” I said. “Should I bring anything?”

He shook his head. “Nope. My mom and her friends put out a massive spread. Food, drinks, dessert. They bring all these games. It’s a huge party.”

“Okay. I can do that.” I stood, giving the idea that he should probably go. He took the hint, hopping up.

“Can I pick you up? Around eleven? Game starts at four.”

“Sure,” I said. “Sounds fun.”

He shoved his hands in his pockets and smiled shyly as he walked out of the suite. Noah was a good guy, I figured, just caught in a bad family situation like I was. Maybe together we could make it a little bit easier.

* * *

“Is it just me or is Ruthie watching us all the time?” Anderson asked after class on Friday. He made a concerted effort not to make eye contact with the red-head lingering by the door.

“It’s not just you,” I said. “I’ve been getting weird vibes off her all week. “Ever since Noah came over on Monday.”

Anderson responded to Noah’s name with a grunt. I’d told them all about tailgating and the game, promising to check in frequently. “Maybe she could go out with Noah,” he suggested.

I rolled my eyes. If it was only that easy, but to be fair, I’d wondered the same. “I have a feeling Ruthie’d eat Noah alive.” I eyed Anderson’s fit body. “I think you’re more her type.”

His eyes flicked to mine. “You know I hate that I can’t take you on the road with me.”

“For luck?”

They walked down the stairs. “Luck, companionship, snarky jabs. Any would do. I hate being away from you.”

I frowned. “I hate it, too. Maybe you should quit the team and hole up with me all weekend.”

He groaned, but I noticed how his hand clenched around the strap of his backpack. He’d do it if he could—I had no doubt—but Anderson’s passion and commitment was one of the things I loved about him—all of them. The Allendale Four played and loved hard.

“Hi, Heaven,” Ruthie said. “Anderson.”

“Hi,” I said. Anderson nodded.

“All ready for your big date with Noah tomorrow?” Her eyes never left Anderson’s. If she thought she was going to bust me in a lie with one of my boys ,she gravely misunderstood me.

“Heaven promised she’d bring me back one of those big foam fingers,” Anderson said, giving me a wink.

Ruthie studied her cherry-red nails. “I’ve got tickets, maybe I’ll see you there.”

“Maybe,” I said brightly, unwilling to let her get me. I wasn’t sure what her problem was, but I needed her off my back.

She turned, flipping her red hair behind her shoulder, and Anderson watched her retreating form. He raised his eyebrows. “Any idea what that’s about?”

“If I had to guess, I’d say she has a crush on you. She’s been bugging me about you for weeks.”

“Not interested.” He didn’t look but I did, noticing how Ruthie’s hips swished as she walked. “You know I only have eyes for one incredibly sexy, super lucky girl.”

“I know,” I replied, feeling foolish. “Back in high school you guys made it clear there was no one in Allendale that caught your interest. But here…there’s a lot to look at.”

“I’m only interested in looking at one woman, Heaven Reeves. That was true then and it’s true now.”

I took a deep breath, pushing Ruthie out of my mind. “Good luck this weekend. You call me after every race, got it?”

“I will.” He grazed my cheek with his thumb. “And you be careful. I’m serious. Don’t take any chances—no matter how much you want to please your father.”

I nodded. “I won’t. I promise. Noah is harmless. Plus, his ultra-conservative parents will be there.”

We walked across campus and Anderson pulled me behind a bush near the school chapel. He kissed me, muttering, “I hate keeping this quiet. I hate it.”

I kissed him back, hoping he knew that I felt the same.

* * *

Noah arrived at eleven on the dot, standing at my door in a crisp, white, button-down shirt and plaid shorts. Sunglasses perched in his hair and a small gold cross hung around his neck from a chain.

I’d asked Samantha what to wear and she suggested a dress. I found a short-sleeved, red-and-white-striped cotton dress in Amber’s closet and accessorized with white Converse and a row of chunky bracelets on my arm.

“You look great,” Noah said, taking me in. The dress was modest; I didn’t feel comfortable showing off too much skin with him or his parents. The last thing I needed was word getting back to my dad that I’d embarrassed him somehow.

“You look nice, too,” I said closing the door behind me. Amber was still asleep and Ruthie and Samantha left earlier carrying red and black pom-poms for the game.

“My mom’s a traditionalist. Dressing up for the games has always been a big deal for her.”

I looked down at my shoes. “Too casual?”

“Nope.” He smiled. “Perfect.”

The whole campus transformed overnight, turning into one big party. Cars, campers, buses, and tents occupied every open space. Noah explained that his family had staked out the same location for the past thirty years, when his parents went to school at the University.

“I guess he wants you to follow his footsteps?” I asked.

“Yep. Business degree. Fraternity. Girlfriend. It’s like he wants a clone.”

“Can’t you tell him you want to live your own life?” I asked, walking around a grill someone had set up in the middle of the parking lot.

He looked at me from the side. “Can you tell your father that?”

“Apparently not.”

Noah introduced me to his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Hancock. They were clean-cut and professional-looking. Everything about them screamed vanilla with a side of wealth. What was my father, a small-town evangelical, doing with this man? Something didn’t add up.

Mrs. Bennett was lovely, handing me a plate filled with barbeque, deviled eggs, and piping-hot cornbread. She asked me about my classes, my mother, and where I was from. I couldn’t imagine my mother talking to this person for more than a few minutes. My skin itched from the anxiety of being around someone so genuine. I felt like I was in an alternate reality.

“We’ve been so worried about Noah since he started college. He’s always been a little rebellious—pushing his father’s buttons,” she said in a quiet voice, touching her very blonde hair. A huge diamond glinted on her finger. “But when he started this year I prayed for a change in his heart. I had no concerns about him not having a steady girlfriend. I always knew he’d find the perfect girl, but Roger is definitely feeling a little relieved. Kids date around these days, don’t you think? Everyone is less worried about settling down. It’s smart, if you ask me.”

Noah walked over with a plate filled with food and eased up next to me. Then he rested his hand on my back.

My lower back.

I tried not to jump out of my skin but instead cleared my throat and said, “Do you have a water?”

“Oh sure, honey,” his mother said. “A whole cooler full, right over there.”

I made my break and wasn’t exactly surprised when Noah followed me over.

“What the hell was that?” I asked.

“Just playing it up for my dad. He’s watching us closely, haven’t you noticed?”

“Not really,” I said, twisting off the bottle cap. “I’ve been talking to your mom.”

He nodded. “She likes you. I can tell.”

“Noah,” I said, as evenly as possible. “It doesn’t matter if she likes me. This isn’t real.”

“I know,” he said, frowning. “But they need to think it is, or he’ll never get off my back, and your dad…”

“My dad what?”

“Your dad wants my father’s funding and it’s my understanding there are some concerns.”

“What kind of concerns?” We’re surrounded by dozens of football fans. Most dressed in red and black. The air smells like food and smoked meat. Noah’s parents stop every three seconds to greet someone they’ve known their whole lives. I definitely felt like a foreigner. My parents would never fit in here.

“Just some questions about his past have come up. My father asked me to do a little digging into his background. He’s not the most technologically savvy. It looks like there’s some questionable history with his taxes. Plus at least one charge of extortion filed about a decade ago.” That was when I saw the sliver flask creep out of his pocket. He took a fast swig and the scent of whisky lingered after.

“You’re drinking?”

“It’s the only way I can get through these things.”

“Do your parents know?” I didn’t hide my shock.

“June and Ward? Fuck no. They’re total teetotalers.” He offered me the flask and when I shook my head he took another swig and then shoved the bottle back in his deep pockets.

I eyed him suspiciously, realizing I didn’t know him at all. How could I? But it seemed he knew about my father, so I said, “Noah, I’m not going to lie and say my father has always been the most respectable person. He’s had his share of troubles and if that scares your dad away, I get it. I don’t blame him.”

Noah gnawed on a piece of chicken and tossed the bone in a trashcan his mother set up. “That’s the thing. I haven’t told my dad about your father’s history yet, because during my sleuthing I found something else.” He cut me a look. “About you.”

“What about me?” The familiar wave of anxiety rolled over my shoulders, daring to drown me.

“I know you told me you weren’t as religious as your father, but I have a feeling he’s not aware of your flamboyant lifestyle in high school. I imagine he’d be very disappointed to find out how promiscuous you were.” He shrugged. “Are? Is it over? Because I’ve seen you on campus with a few of the guys in the photos.”

I knew the photos would be out there somewhere. The internet lasts forever. I’d decided that I’d live with it, but that was before my dad came back with his demands and expectations.

No longer hungry, I tossed my plate in the trashcan. “What do you want, Noah?”

“I know we agreed to no kissing or physical intimacy, but if you want me to keep your father’s sketchy background from my dad, I’m going to need a little bit more from you.”

I crossed my arms, hoping it’d keep my heart from bursting out of my chest. I asked quietly, “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I’m sick of my father looking at me like I’m a failure, and you fit every qualification he has. Pretty, smart, sweet, polite. You’re like Jackie O but without the Catholicism.”

“Noah, I’m not going to be blackmailed by you.”

“It’s not blackmail if we’re both getting something out of it. Your father will not only get his funding but he’ll think you’ve got the perfect boyfriend.” He smiled boyishly. “I’ll get them off my back and have the chance to show you off.”

“No.”

“Don’t be so quick. Think about it. I’ll give you until tomorrow to decide.”

“You want me to spend the rest of the day and pretend like this isn’t happening?”

“If you leave now, the game will be ruined and my father will have a million questions. Not to mention my mother will be crushed.” He looked over my shoulder and smiled at the woman I knew was behind me passing out pieces of pie. He shifted his gaze back to me. “There’s no way it won’t get back to your father that you vanished in the middle of the day.”

This kid was good. He’d give my father a run for his money. He raised his eyebrows. “Are we good?”

It took everything I had not to strangle him, but I didn’t. I gritted out the words, “Yes, we’re good,” before plastering a smile on my face. Noah’s hand landed low on my back again and I fought off a tremor of repulsion. I’d been blackmailed before, harassed and victimized, but something about this, doing it with a smile on my face, was the worst it’d ever been. I had no idea why I thought my past could stay behind me, that the bad decisions I made would ever fade.

More than ever, I believed I was cursed to repeat the sins of the past over and over again.

21

I made it through the remainder of the tailgate and game without losing it completely. Oliver texted mid-afternoon. He and Jackson were at an exhibition game down at State.

Hey babe, how’s it going?

I stared at my phone, trying to figure out what words to say. Come get me? Help? I’ve done it again?

Instead I type, Good. We’re winning by 3

We’re on the bus headed back. See you tonight

Noah’s hand curled around my waist. With my left hand I pried his fingers off but he smiled at me, knowing and loving that he had the upper hand.

Too tired. Maybe tomorrow?

K-Text when you get to the dorm.

Love you.

Same

“Heaven, would you like to join us post-game? I brought dessert.”

More? We’d already had pie and she doled out cake as well. How did this woman stay stick-thin?

“It’s been a long day,” I told her. “Thank you so much for having me, but I really think I should head back to the dorm. I’ve got a busy day tomorrow.”

She smiled approvingly and gave me a hug. Mr. Hancock clasped my hand and told me how nice it was to meet me. I couldn’t help but notice that his eyes lingered over my chest for a few seconds too long. Noah hovered nearby like a prison guard waiting for me to make a break for it. He wasn’t wrong.

“I’ll come back after I drop Heaven off,” Noah said. He linked his sticky hand with mine and I forced myself not to fight it until we were out of sight. Then I shook him loose.

“Don’t touch me.” The rage from the day had built into something I could no longer contain. “This whole thing is insane, Noah. I don’t think you’re really a dick. You’re just desperate to please your father.”

“And you’re not?”

I stopped outside Stetson Hall, having no intention of asking him in. He touched my chin and I shifted away.

“We made a deal,” he said quietly.

“You reneged on our deal.”

“This is business. Rules are renegotiated all the time.” His eyes zeroed in on my lips and his hand reached for my hip.

“Don’t,” I whispered. Not wanting to make a scene.

He didn’t stop, leaning in to brush his lips against mine. I twisted my head and he caught me on the cheek. With both hands I pushed him away and ran to the door.

“Night, Heaven,” he said loudly. “I had a great time.”

I didn’t breathe until I was in my suite with the door shut and locked.

Thankfully no one was home, and I stripped down and got in the shower, desperate to wash the day away.

* * *

My phone rang before I was dry. I wrapped the towel around me and answered.

“Hello?”

“Heaven!”

“Hi, Mom.” I sat on the bed in my room. It was only 9 p.m. but it felt way later.

“You okay? You sound funny.”

“I’m fine. Just tired. It was a long day.”

“How was the game?” she asked. My mother never seemed interested in my high school days, but now that I’m in college and a hundred miles away, she found time?

“It was fun. We won.”

“And Noah? How was he?” She said his name in a flirty way.

“Noah was okay.” I fight to add some enthusiasm but it was hard—if not impossible.

“You don’t like him?” she asked and a light bulb went off in my brain. Maybe this was the universe intervening. I could tell my mom about Noah and she’d get it.

“Noah is—”

“Your father is so excited you two have linked up,” she gushed, interrupting. “This fundraising deal at the church is huge and could really solidify him back in good graces with the head pastor. Your dad is really good at reaching out to people in the community and your involvement in connecting him with the Hancocks has really helped. He already spoke to Mr. Hancock today. He was impressed by you and said his son is smitten.”

“Mom—” I tried to interject.

“Things are so different this time. Everything is above board. The job, the house…us. He’s been really great to me, Heaven. So much more attentive and transparent about his work—his mission. I know he’s pleased with the strides you two have made as well.”

I swallowed over the lump forming in my throat. “So things are going well?”

Her excitement shifted to something else. Something hopeful. “Really well, Heaven. It’s like it was before the trouble—back when you were little and we were all happy.”

“Mom, that’s great, but you’ve got to remember…”

“I remember,” she snapped. “I remember working double shifts and coming home to find you spiraling out of control. I remember the medical bills and doing it all alone. Finding that garbage about you on the internet—learning how bad of a mother I’d been.”

“That’s not true. You’re a great mom,” I said, feeling the weight of the day crashing down. “I’m just scared he’ll hurt you again.”

“I need someone in my life, Heaven. I love your father and I’m willing to take a risk on him. I think you should, too.”

I nodded even though my mother couldn’t see me, but if I spoke I’d probably break down. My mom was right. I’d put her through hell and back and it was her time to be happy. She’d given me that when she backed off about the guys. I understood what needing support was like. I got it.

“I still haven’t told your dad about the boys and what they mean to you, but he isn’t wrong about finding a nice boy with a good family. One boy, Heaven. You needed them in school but you’ve grown so much since then. I think you’re ready to live a functional, normal, Christian life. Don’t you?”

I pushed the lie. “Yes.”

“Noah seems like the perfect way to start.”

I didn’t reply and she didn’t seem to care, heading into reminders about fall break coming up and my return home. It’d be the first time we’d spend as a family again and she couldn’t wait.

I hung up the phone when she finished and texted Noah.

Fall break.

What?

I’ll play this game until fall break. Your rules. But after that we come up with an amicable breakup and my father gets the funding.

There was a pause before he responded.

Ok. I can make that work. But you don’t get to play that game like you did today. You’re all in when we’re in public.

Ok.

I tossed the phone on the desk and got into bed.

* * *

Over the next few days I sunk into a familiar mode. Functional on the outside, crumbling on the inside.

Monday morning started with a text from Noah, informing me of where we’d meet that day and when, with an added note of clothing suggestions and how to wear my hair.

Oh and a little lipstick would be nice.

In biology, Anderson noticed the hair first, eyes lingering over the bouncy waves that took me an extra hour that morning. It was the typical, “long-hair-girl” style, one Amber and I often mocked for being the most safe and unoriginal by our peers.

“Hey,” he said, reaching for my leg to squeeze. I shifted, keeping an eye on everyone around me. Ruthie sat in the front row, ignoring us for once, but with what Noah told me about his father’s spies, I no longer could be sure. “You okay?”

I evaded the question. “How was your meet? I’m sorry I missed your text Saturday night. I crashed.”

“Eh, I did okay. No records or anything,” he said. “I think I missed my lucky charm.” He glanced down at the twin-set sweater and jeans. Amber had the sweater set in her closet, part of her retro flair. “You look different.”

“I was in a rush.” Which was the biggest lie. It took me hours to get ready, feeling the added pressure of pleasing Noah’s whims.

“Heaven.” He frowned. “What’s going on?”

The professor walked in and I opened my laptop, using it as an excuse to avoid Anderson. He knew me well—better than most—and I’d crack if he pushed me too hard. I flashed him what I hoped was a convincing grin. “I’m fine, babe. Just a busy weekend and this week looks like a monster. Hopefully it will calm down after mid-terms.”

Fall break. That’s what I had to get to. Fall break and everything would go back to normal.

22

Anderson

“Something’s wrong with her.” I’d run into Oliver and Hayden outside the student center.

The change had been slow but distinct over the past few days. Each time I saw her, Heaven seemed different. At first it was her affect, the way she carried herself and the fact she’d stopped flirting all around. Heaven always flirted with me, even when she was busting my balls.

Then it shifted to her clothing. My girl was hot even just in a hoodie and baggy jeans. But when she’d shed that style and moved to the curve-revealing, cleavage-exposing outfits of the last year, she’d gained so much confidence. Heaven was like a caterpillar turned into a butterfly. Cute and fuzzy before, breathtaking after.

I didn’t know how to explain what was going on this week or exactly what the difference was. She still looked gorgeous, but also tired. Her outfits lacked the spunk of her middle-fingered fuck you. Instead it was sweaters and conservative jeans. Sensible shoes and not a trace of the sexy boots she routinely wore to class to drive me wild.

Something was off and I was determined to figure out what.

Oliver frowned. “Do you think she’s depressed again? I know the stuff with her dad has been bothering her.”

The idea terrified me and had definitely crossed my mind. She’d worn long sleeves all week. “I don’t know, but I think we should keep an eye on her.”

“How long has it been going on?” Oliver asked.

“A week? Maybe two?”

“We went to the library last Tuesday. I helped her with Spanish. She seemed okay then.”

That was good to know.

“What about you?” I asked Hayden. His eyes had darkened and I noticed his fist balled tight. “What?”

“Last Saturday she and I were together.”

“Okay…” Oliver and I looked at one another. “Together how?”

His jaw clenched. “Together together. Things got a little intense.”

I trusted Hayden with my life—he was my brother—but I’d kick his ass if he hurt her. I’d worked into a mid-level fume when Oliver jumped in, “Did something go wrong?

“No,” he said. “I made sure but she wanted to push me and I let her. She was really into it, I swear.”

I grimaced. “Maybe you read the signals wrong. I know she thinks she wants to get adventurous but maybe she’s not as ready as she thinks she is.”

Hayden nodded. “I’ll talk to her.”

“Maybe we can hang out this week? All together. Make sure we’re all on the same page.” Managing a relationship like this was hard. It took commitment from all of us.

“This week is slammed,” Hayden confessed. “We’ve got a game Saturday and Coach is all over us with extra practice and training.”

“Same with us,” Oliver said. “Double-header this weekend.”

“We’ll figure something out,” I said. “Text her or call. Drop by. Whatever it takes.” I pinned Hayden with a stare. “And make sure you’re good.”

He nodded and looked up at the clocktower over the student center. “Shit, I gotta run.”

“Me, too.” Oliver said.

I watched them go and started back to my room. I had the next few hours free. We’d come a long way since the start of our relationship. I didn’t want to lose it now.

23

Noah waited for me outside my Psych class with his backpack slung over his shoulder. He carried himself with a confidence I didn’t recall from before and I wondered for a brief moment if he was a vampire, sucking away my energy and taking it for himself.

Maybe not a vampire—not cute enough, but he definitely was a parasite.

“Hey babe,” he said, using the term her boys called her. It made her skin crawl but one thing she noticed about Noah was that the more she pushed back, the more he continued. He eyed her outfit. “You look amazing.”

“I look like a Stepford Wife.”

He reached for my hand and I let him take it.

“I knew your hair would look good like that.”

I shook my head. “Why do you care what my hair looks like? Or my clothes?”

“Because we’re trying to convey an image here, Heaven.” He pulled me against his side and directed me down the path between buildings. “You’re the sweet, virginal co-ed. I’m the dedicated, hardworking Christian.”

I squirmed away but he held tight. “Gross, Noah. No one thinks that but you.”

“You don’t think so?” he asked, glancing around us. Sure enough, even though we were on a huge campus a few people seemed to be watching us.

“Why do they even care?” None of it made sense to me.

“People are nosy, but I’d think you’d know that from your past online exposure.”

I stopped and this time moved away from his body. “Noah, what happened to me in high school is a long, complicated story. It involves a prank, more pranks, and a sexual predator going to jail. I don’t think that’s a game plan you want to emulate.”

He stepped forward. “Kiss me.”

I frowned. “What?”

“Kiss me. Or I call my dad.”

His brown eyes carried a darkness I didn’t want to test. I leaned into him and went for his cheek, planning a chaste peck. He caught me, pulling me close and slammed his mouth into mine. The kiss was too hard, his tongue demanding. I dropped my chin and turned my neck to get away. “Needs a little work,” he said in my ear. “Meet me at the University Church tomorrow night at six. We’re having a dinner.”

At least it would be in public, I thought, feeling the need to wipe him off my mouth. He ran his hand down my arm.

“Heaven?”

I spun and found Amber and Ginger walking toward us.

“Hey guys,” I said, using the interruption as an excuse to break away and hug my friend. When we pulled apart, I introduced them. “This is Noah. We met through our dads. Noah, this is my friend and roommate, Amber. And this is Ginger.”

Noah nodded his head in greeting, eyes sweeping over the girls. There was obviously nothing about either girl that screamed “lesbian” or “I’m bisexual” but Noah was savvy and had a knack for ferreting out personal information for his own purpose. A deep sense of dread coiled in my stomach. I didn’t want him near these girls. Not when Amber’s housing depended on my father and he knew about her relationship…

“You’ve got class now, right?” I said to Noah. “I’ll be at the dinner. Thank you for the invitation.”

His eyes flirted between us. I gave Amber a pleading grin. The last thing I needed was for her to decide to push him. She gave him a fake smile. “Nice to meet you, Noah.”

“You too, ladies.” He touched my chin and walked off with a confident swagger.

Ginger stared. “Okay what the hell was that about?”

“Heaven, he’s creepy as fuck.”

“I know. I’m giving my dad two more weeks and then I’m calling it off.”

Amber shook her head. “I don’t know how you’ll make it two weeks. And if the guys meet him? Prepare for an epic showdown.”

“Which is exactly why they can’t meet him.” I faced the girls. “I need this to work out. My dad is all over me right now and my mom has a lot riding on his job.”

“Babe, this is not your problem.” She squeezes my hand. “We can figure this out. Move off campus. Squat in the nasty dorms by the railroad tracks. I don’t like this.”

Amber was a good friend. Too good for me and the situation I’d gotten myself into. “Give me a few more weeks to clear it up. If that doesn’t work, we’ll figure something out, okay?”

She and Ginger exchange worried looks but Amber nods in agreement. “Okay. As long you promise to be safe.”

I smiled gratefully at my friend. “I promise.”

* * *

When I got back to the dorm, Amber and Ginger were holed up in our bedroom. I owed them for earlier that day so I camped out in the living room. Samantha sat on the couch next to me, streaming movies over her laptop with large headphones over her ears. I pretended to study but spent most the time fighting the creeping urge to hide in the bathroom. I knew I shouldn’t, but the idea wiggled into my brain after seeing Noah that afternoon and wouldn’t leave.

I knew if I got through the next two weeks, I’d be okay. I knew I could handle it. I’d been through worse, right?

Anxiety rose higher and higher, climbing up my throat.

I glanced at Samantha to see if she noticed anything different about me but she was focused on the screen. I felt like my pain was visible all over my skin. It prickled. It felt raw. I peeked at the bathroom again. It was so close and I knew there was a razor in the shower.

No. I promised myself. No.

Tacked to the back of the suite door was a poster of Jim Morrison that Amber bought at the head-shop downtown. It was the classic pose, bare-chested Jim with a beaded necklace hanging twisted off his neck. I stared at his face, hoping he’d give me a clue where to go next.

A knock on the door jerked me back to the now and my eyes widened at Jim, wondering if this was my sign.

“Can you get that?” Samantha asked, never taking her eyes off the screen.

“Yeah, sure.”

I rose and crossed the room. Hayden stood on the other side.

“Hi,” he said. “Can I come in?”

I glanced back at my closed bedroom door and my suitemate on the couch. She looked up and waved at Hayden. He smiled in return. “Let’s talk out here.”

His face fell, although I wasn’t sure why. I’d rather have privacy.

Hayden did that thing, the move he pulled on me that very first day, leaning against the wall in the hallway. His long body took up most the space and girls from the hall skirted around him while eyeing his form.

“What’s going on?” I asked, pushing the sleeves of my sweatshirt over my elbows.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing. Things have been hectic lately and the last time we were really together things got…”

“Intense,” I said, completing his sentence. Hell yeah, they did. What I’d give to go back to that night—to the way things were before all this shit started.

“It was, and I don’t know,” he ran his hand through his hair, “was it okay? Any regrets? I hope I didn’t cross a line.”

I frowned and shook my head. “We went over this. It was great. Exactly what I wanted.” I scanned his face. “Are you having second thoughts?”

“Fuck no. No. You just…you seem stressed or something. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t with me.”

With everything going on, Hayden questioning what happened between us hit me like a slam in the gut. Couldn’t he tell that I enjoyed it? Did he not believe my words? I’d asked him to do it—begged him, almost. With anyone else I would’ve been embarrassed, but maybe we weren’t on the same page like I’d thought.

Or maybe he was here because of Noah. Had I been seen? Did he know?

My mind whirled with confusion.

“It was great,” I told him, sucking up my emotions.

His face relaxed with relief. “Okay good. The guys were hoping to get together sometime this week. It’s a crunch but let’s figure it out, okay?”

I smiled. “That sounds like a really good idea.”

His eyes searched mine and he reached for my hand. I pulled back, ignoring the confusion and hurt that followed.

“I should go, Hayden. I have a ton of homework.”

“Yeah,” he said. “Okay. Call me if you need anything.”

“I will.”

He looked like he wanted to say more, his jaw working overtime, but I used his hesitation to slip back into the room, shutting the door behind me.

I took a deep breath and leaned against the door, waiting for Samantha to say something. She didn’t. I stared at my room, where Amber’s voice could be heard through the door followed by Ginger’s laughter. I waited, feeling my heart pounding in my chest, the dark wave of anxiety taking over. When it didn’t subside, I took a shaky breath and succumbed to the pressure building inside and walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind me.

24

Since Noah was on the organizing committee he told me to meet him at the house for dinner instead of picking me up. Like the past few days, he instructed me on what to wear: casual dress, nice shoes.

He eyed me the moment I walked in, a small grin lingering over his cracked lips. I felt the heat of his gaze—he didn’t want me. Not like the Allendale boys, no, there was something else, the glint of knowing he had me under his thumb. I’d seen it before in Spencer’s eyes. I’d also seen it in my father’s, too.

“Heaven,” he said, calling out my name. I tugged at the sleeves of my dress. It looked like a T-shirt, giving my body a boxy shape. I liked it because the sleeves were long. Noah looked down at my shoes and a small frown tugged at his mouth. I had on black booties. It was the best I could do.

“Hi, Noah,” I said, accepting his kiss on my cheek. At least here he won’t try to push himself on me, which was a fear that grew by the minute. I’d known guys like Noah before. He wouldn’t be happy until he owned me.

Two weeks. That was all I needed.

A full spread of food was on the table. Apparently, the church group met every week to share a meal. The idea was nice, but even in my dowdy dress I knew this wasn’t my kind of group. Everyone seemed nice enough; clean-cut. Sweet. Not the type to fool an entire student body or cause a social media sex scandal. Not the kind to lie just to help their dad. I stared at Noah, who looked the picture of a perfect Christian. Then again, maybe they were my kind of group.

“I’d like to take a moment introduce you all to my girlfriend, Heaven,” Noah said loudly over the group. “I was blessed when she entered my life a few weeks ago—love at first sight.”

I smiled, forcing my lips to curve upward. “So blessed.”

Then he stood in front of the group and said a blessing, thanking God for all our bounty, the whole time feeling more and more separated from the event. Everyone in the room closed their eyes but I watched them, wondering if they knew the truth about this man and his family, or for that matter, mine.

“Noah, help me bring in the extra chairs,” someone said and he vanished from the room. The girl next to me, with hair identical to mine (long-haired-girl curls) pointed me to the start of the buffet.

“I’m Julie,” she said. “How did you meet Noah?” Her question sounded genuine—curious.

“Our fathers are friends. Through some church connections.”

She shook her head. “Ah, so you passed the Daddy test.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

She gave me a startled look, her blue eyes apologetic. “Look, I’m not trying to start anything, but Noah’s always been a little elusive. Lots of girls have tried to date him. He’s never been one for a serious relationship and we all figured it’s because he was looking for a specific kind of girl. The kind approved of by his father. You’re the first one he’s brought around.”

The fact that every girl in the room looked like a Noah-specified clone, there was no way I fit any sort of physical standard. I gave him something no other girl could: leverage.

I scooped a mound of mac ‘n cheese on my plate. “His mother said he’s shy, but he doesn’t seem that way to me.”

Another girl stood across from me, adding salad to her plate. She snorted. “Noah’s not shy. And no matter what he says, don’t let him talk you into going to his room. He’s not the gentleman he claims.”

“Did you date him?” I asked.

Julie’s cheeks reddened and she glanced toward the door where Noah and the other guy entered carrying a stack of metal folding chairs. “I wouldn’t call it dating.” Her nose wrinkled. “Just be careful.”

I nodded. “Don’t worry. I’m not as naïve as I look.”

“Hey, babe,” Noah said, cutting in line to stand next to me. “Didn’t you get me a plate of food?”

I blinked. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t think.”

“No, you didn’t, but it’s no big deal. I’ll just go to the back of the line.”

He stared at me and I felt everyone watching. Julie had already walked away, casting an empathetic glance in my direction.

“Here, you take my plate. I’ll go to the back of the line.”

He smiled condescendingly. “Thanks, babe.” He kissed me on my nose and squeezed my hip.

I walked past the rest of the line and stood in the back. The whole scene was weird and demeaning. Noah was the exact opposite of my boys. They’d move mountains for me.

To my astonishment, he did save me a seat, and when Julie asked me about my name, he spoke over me. “Her father is a minister.”

“Actually,” I said, “my mother named me. After her favorite character in a book.”

The girl next to Julie who had short brown hair and big blue eyes said, “Wait. You mean V. C. Andrews? She named you after those books?”

I nodded, eating a carrot off my plate. “She was obsessed with those characters.”

“Oh my god, me too. I read them all in seventh grade.”

I laughed. Those books were insane but completely addictive. “Heaven was my mom’s favorite.”

Noah gave me a weird look. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that?”

“You never asked.”

Later, once the meal was over and the table cleared, Noah took me to the side and brushed my hair over my shoulder. “I forgot to tell you that you look nice tonight.” His eyes skimmed down my legs, landing at my feet. “Those shoes are a little…risqué for the church group, but you feel free to wear them the next time we’re alone.”

“Noah, I have no plans on being alone with you. That’s not part of the deal.”

“How about you and your roommate?”

“What?”

“She’s into chicks, right? I’ve always wanted to be with two girls. She looks like she’s probably a howler.”

“Noah, you need to shut the fuck up, right now.”

He took out his phone and scrolled through. My stomach twisted into a familiar knot. He held up the screen. It was a photo of me and Hayden from two weeks ago, leaving the laundry room holding hands. A bizarre sense of déjà vu rolled over me.

“Where did you get that?”

“Heaven, I told you. God is always watching. I’d hate for this photo to get sent to the wrong person.”

“Hayden’s a friend. My father knows that.”

“Does he?” He slipped the phone back in his pocket. “That website had some interesting information. Whoever concocted that plan was pretty smart.”

“Spencer is a psychopath.”

“Those two things are not mutually exclusive.” He ran a finger down my cheek and I jerked away.

“Two weeks,” I told him. “My father gets the funding and you get the hell away from me.”

“Or what?” he said.

“You don’t want to know the leverage I have on my side,” I said, knowing that if the guys found out about Noah they would tear him to pieces. I didn’t want that. It was too risky and they had too much on the line but the threat itself was solid.

He tilted his head at my statement, undeterred. “Study with me, tomorrow night.”

“Where?”

“In my room.”

The girl’s warning from earlier rang in my head.

“Not a chance.”

He lifted his chin, amused. “Library, then.”

“Main floor. In the study area. Nowhere private.” I gave him a smirk. “It wouldn’t be appropriate for us to be alone like that. I’d hate to tell my father that you’re pressuring me.”

If I thought sticking up for myself would make Noah back off, I was wrong. If anything, I was learning he liked a challenge. Noah Hancock wanted to break me—I had no doubt about that now.

I took the chance when a few of the other girls I learned lived in my dorm were leaving and followed them out the door. I was quiet on the way back, trying to figure out a way out of this situation. My father was no help. My mother was caught up in his world. The guys…they’d kill him. The best thing I could do was wait it out and hope he stuck to his promise.

* * *

The sun beamed down the following day, bathing the University in one last day of warmth before fall entered winter. The leaves had all fallen and the mornings and evenings were cool, but for a few hours in the afternoon everything was perfect, sunny, and warm.

I walked toward the dorm and heard the loud, familiar rumble of an engine turning down the road outside Stetson Hall. Shading my eyes, I looked up and saw Oliver hanging out the window.

“What are you doing?” I asked, walking up to the car.

“I came to see if you wanted to go for a ride.”

I looked at the stack of books in my hands and frowned at the idea of a study date tonight with Noah. “I’ve got a ton of work.”

He smiled, drop-dead gorgeous and persuasive in a way that had always hit me in the knees. His hair tousled in the fall breeze and his still-tan-from-summer face lit up when he looked at me. “Just for a few hours. I’ll get you back in plenty of time to shove your pretty little nose in those books.”

Just being in his presence was like a hit of adrenaline. “Okay,” I said, breaking into a grin. “Let’s get out of here.”

He crawled through the front seat to open the passenger side door and I tossed my books in the back. I’d worn a black skirt that went down to my knees and a soft gray sweater. The silver cross my daddy gave me hung around my neck and it glinted in the sunlight when I caught my reflection in the rearview mirror. I tried to ignore the dark circles under my eyes, flipping up the visor.

Oliver took my hand and revved the engine, announcing to the world we were leaving campus.

The leather seats were old and cracked but they had a worn softness. I sunk into them and played with Oliver’s hand.

“I’ve missed you,” I said.

He lifted my hand and kissed it. “I didn’t know we’d been apart.”

I felt like it though—I felt like I’d gone on a trip for weeks, barely coming up for air. The sanctity of our relationship had been tested by an outside force and I didn’t know if I had the energy to keep it all up.

Oliver drove, hair blowing from the open windows. I felt my own hair, the perfectly spiraled curls twisting in the wind. I inhaled, smelling the scents of fall, and closed my eyes.

I must have dozed off because I didn’t realize we’d stopped or that Oliver was no longer holding my hand. The sound of the engine rumbling to a stop, then cutting entirely jarred me awake. I looked out the front window and saw the green grass and trees of the botanical gardens sprawled in front of me. I felt the tickle of fingertips on my arm.

I turned, facing Oliver, but froze when I saw the expression on his face. Tears welled in the corners of his eyes. A deep-set frown clung to his lips. My eyes drew to where his were focused—the fresh wounds on my forearms. I yanked my arm back, but he held it, gentle but firm.

“Tell me what’s going on.”

“Nothing,” I lied. “Just you know, the stress of school and everything.”

“Heaven, don’t lie to me. I can’t take it.” His voice trembled and it scared me. I scared me.

The cuts were thin, red dashes against my pale skin. Superficial would be the term, but each slash cut down to the depths of my soul. I hated him seeing them. I hated looking at them. My stomach seized.

“Baby,” he said, reaching for me across the seat. “Tell me what I can do.”

A sob caught in my chest. I didn’t allow it to move. “There’s nothing you can do,” I said. “There’s nothing anyone can do. It’s just who I am. It’s how I’m made.”

He opened his mouth to say something but thought better. Oliver was smart—quick. He didn’t work on emotion or rage like the others. He climbed over the seat, pulling me into his lap.

I wanted to fight him—to push him away like Hayden, but Oliver wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

“We’ve been through this before, Heaven, and got through it, but I can’t help you if you aren’t honest with me.”

I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to feel something other than pain, and I shifted around so that I was facing Oliver and touched his chest.

He touched my hair, wild from the wind, and his thumb rubbed against my bottom lip. I licked the pad of his finger.

He grew hard beneath me. I felt the heat and want between his legs. I snaked my hands around his neck and kissed him again. For some reason, Oliver and I always ended up in the car like this, the two of us frustrated and breathing heavy. I reached between us and fumbled with his buckle.

He sighed and stilled my hands, leaning back into the seat.

“What?” I asked, searching his face. “Why’d you stop?”

“Because this is wrong.”

“Why? Because we’re in a car? Because I’m upset? I told the others and I’ll say the same to you—don’t treat me like I’m a baby.” I tried to catch his eye but he didn’t let me.

Oliver scrubbed his face with his hands and looked out the window. He pressed his knuckle against the glass and tapped against it, looking into the distance. The sun was no longer shining—instead blocked by graying clouds. “There is nothing I want to do more than make you feel better, but the two of us…” he swallowed, “making love won’t do it.”

“You don’t know that.” All I wanted was to feel. That was all.

“I do know it, Heaven. Something is wrong, really wrong, and I can’t just let my hormones take over and let your issues get pushed aside. Not again.”

I crossed my arms and stared at him, hard, but he never looked my way. I threw my hands up and reached for the door, climbing off his body to get outside. He followed, scrambling after me, adjusting the front of his pants.

“What are you going to do? Tell the others? Call my mom?”

“I don’t know. I’m in over my head here. So are you.”

The black hole swirled around my feet, threatening to suck me in whole. I stared across the lake.

“Take me home,” I said, walking back to the car and slamming the door.

He stood outside and gaped at me. “We’re not done.”

“Yes,” I said through the open window. “We are.”

He walked around the car and got inside. I refused to look at him. Not because I was angry, but because I was terrified I would cave and tell him everything. But what could Oliver do about my father? About Noah? A few weeks and it would all be over. I could repair the damage then.

It was dark when he pulled up to Stetson Hall. The wind had picked up and I spotted jagged lightning in the distance. My phone had a dozen messages from Noah trying to find me since I bailed on our study date. I ignored them all and before he could think of walking me in, I rested my hand over Oliver’s on the gear shift. “I’m sorry about all of this. I think I just need some time to get my head on straight.”

“Let me walk you up.” Those were the first words he’d spoken since we left the botanical garden.

“Not tonight,” I said. “I just need a little space, okay?”

He frowned. I’d asked these boys for many things but distance wasn’t one of them.

“I’ll call you.”

“Any time. Day or night.”

“I will.”

“Be safe, Heaven.”

I slammed the door and ran to the building.

25

Oliver

I watched her get out of the car, knowing I should go after her. She’d looked so sad. So rejected when she’d been on my lap but dammit, I knew the timing was off. Her shadow vanished, entering the building, and rain started to fall. I slammed my fist into the steering wheel.

“Fuck!” I shouted, less about the pain to my knuckles than her walking away like that. “Fucking fuck!”

I reached for my phone and called her but hung up just as fast. She wanted space and that was okay. Right? People needed space. They needed time.

I didn’t like it. Not at all.

I texted the others.

Meet me at Hayden’s. 911

Four thumbs ups followed.

We’d come up with a code months ago, after the first time I caught Heaven trying to cut herself. That night scared the hell out of me but I knew I had to be strong. Even so, we made a code—911 meant Heaven was struggling and we needed to figure out what to do. Hayden’s house was in the middle of campus, by the time I found a parking spot and ran through the rain to the porch, the others were there.

Hayden stood in the door.

“What’s going on?” Anderson said. He was breathing heavy, having run the farthest from his dorm. He shook his head, spraying rain on the rest of us. “Where is she?”

“At her dorm. She’s…she hurt herself again. I saw the cuts.”

“Fuck,” Hayden growled, slamming his fist into the door. “I apologized, guys, and she just turned me away.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I knew something was wrong even though she denied it.”

“She keeps avoiding my calls. Super short in her text replies,” Jackson said, quietly. All signs of his normally light-hearted demeanor were gone. He looked terrified. “I thought she was just busy—I had no fucking clue things were so bad.”

Anderson’s sharp jaw and angular cheekbones looked deadly in the shadowy light of the porch. “This has something to do with that Noah kid. No doubt about it.”

“Dude, we don’t know that,” I said.

“Between him and her dad, they were getting in her head. I have no doubt.”

“Who would know? Amber?” Hayden asked. “Have you talked to her?”

“She’s got a new girlfriend—I haven’t seen her for more than a minute in a few weeks.”

“Shit.” He replied. We all knew that was just one more support person that failed Heaven when she needed us.

“What about the other two girls?” I asked. “Samantha and the redhead.”

“Ruthie,” Anderson said. “She has bio with us and there’s something going on there.”

“Something how?” Jackson asked.

“She watches us a lot and it definitely unnerves Heaven. I think she gives her flashbacks to high school drama.”

“What do you want to do? How do we handle this?” I asked, “Because she shut me out.”

“Me too,” added Hayden.

“Call her mom?” Jackson asked.

I shook my head. “She’d kill us and with everything going on with her dad…god knows how he’d handle it.”

Anderson and Jackson exchanged looks. “How about we go over. See if we can get her to talk? Maybe she needed a minute to cool off.”

I didn’t think so, but it wasn’t a bad idea. “You guys do that. We’ll wait here with the car if you need us.”

Anderson nodded and Jackson stuck out his fist for me to bump it. “Take care of her,” I said.

“We will. We’ll get her the help she needs.”

Hayden and I watched as they hopped off the porch and into the rain.

“I’m worried about her,” I admitted. “Really fucking worried.”

Hayden threw his arm around my shoulder. “Me too, but it’ll be okay. We’ve been down this road before.”

I knew he was right, but as Anderson and Jackson ran toward her building I couldn’t shake the feeling building up inside. Heaven was in trouble and I may have destroyed any chance I had to help her.

26

Heaven

“Be safe.”

It was something I couldn’t promise Oliver. Not when everything around me was falling apart. I rode the elevator to my floor and unlocked the door with my key. Samantha sat on the couch, headphones on and the distinct sound of a couple having sex floated through the room.

I connected eyes with Samantha and whispered, “Amber?”

But a man’s grunt caught me off guard and I glanced toward the closed door of Ruthie’s room. Wow.

I froze, listening to Ruthie and her partner reach their climax. They were loud and totally abandoned. Samantha wisely clamped her earphones back on her head. For some reason, my feet wouldn’t move.

That was until the bedroom door opened and Ruthie stepped outside wrapped in a silk bathrobe, her long red hair hanging over her shoulder. My eyes flicked behind her and I saw her partner in the bed, hair wild and face sweaty. My heart jerked in my chest when I saw him; Noah, shirtless and well-fucked in Ruthie’s bed.

“Sorry we made so much noise. I hope we didn’t disturb you,” Ruthie said, rummaging around the refrigerator.

My gaze shifted between the two and Noah just shrugged with a smirk on his face.

Rage took over.

“What the fuck?” I said, barging into Ruthie’s room. I heard the refrigerator door shut in the other room. Spinning, I slammed the door right in her face and locked it. “What the hell are you doing?”

“You bailed on me tonight, Heaven, and an interesting opportunity presented itself.” He frowned and whispered conspiratorially, “I don’t think your roommate likes you very much.”

“You’re kidding?”

“About her disliking you? No. I think she really hates you. Why else would she fuck me like that knowing I came here to see you.”

“No, you jackass. You just fucked some other girl because I wasn’t here. What if I was in an accident? Or hurt?”

“I sent you a dozen texts. You ignored them. I had no choice but to believe you’d backed out.” He held my gaze, daring me to lie. I didn’t have the energy to do it. “Well, as far as I’m concerned, our deal is over. To be honest, I think if I get Ruthie to hang a cross around her neck, she’d pass Father’s specifications.”

“You’re ending our deal? And replacing me with…her?”

He laughed. “She’s sneaky, did you know that? She told me everything while we were in bed. How she’s been spying on you for your dad and he’s been paying her off.” He made a face. “I wonder if my dad gave him that tip.”

“She what?” I couldn’t keep up. All of it was coming so fast, but little things flashed in my head. The expensive clothes, the new high-tech watch, the sleek nails and her constant presence. I turned around and flung open the door. She stood on the other side smiling wickedly. “You’ve been spying on me?”

She lifted her tiny shoulders. “Your daddy is very curious about your activities, Heaven. It’s a little weird. He wanted all the details about you and those guys you’re so possessive of.”

Samantha sat on the couch watching the whole thing. I looked at her. “Were you in on this, too?”

“No.” She held up her hands. “I promise.”

“Basically,” Ruthie said, “you’re a lying whore and your father knew all along that you’d ruin his plans. He just wanted a heads up before shit hit the fan.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes, sweetie, it is. He knows about the guys, the games, the sneaking around. He knew before he contacted me but he wanted proof. Said we should go ahead and find a new roommate, that he’d have you back home by the end of the semester.”

My heart thundered in my chest. The house of cards I’d built around me shuddered at my feet. My father knew who I really was. He knew about the sinful life I led. I’d let Noah kiss me, touch me, for no reason at all. I’d pushed Oliver and Hayden away. Anderson and Jackson were next. The life my mother banked on was going to crumble and it was my fault. All my fault.

“You’re pathetic,” I told her, then looked over her shoulder. “And you’re a fucking creep.”

Ruthie rolled her eyes. “You’re nothing but trash—a filthy whore with a shady past trying to play off like you’re a good girl.” Her lips twisted into something evil and I didn’t know if this was just her way of getting back at me for having the Allendale boys, but her words cut anyway. “Go home, Heaven. Beg for forgiveness. Because you’re going to need it.”

For the first time in ages, I had no one to turn to. Not my boys. Not my mom. Definitely not my father.

Ruthie was right, the only thing I could do was repent. Beg for forgiveness. I didn’t know where to start, but I knew it wasn’t here.

I left Ruthie and Noah in her room and walked across the suite, entering my room. Amber wasn’t home—she never was anymore—having found the freedom she craved in college. I saw her car keys hanging over her desk and snatched them off the hook.

“Where are you going?” Samantha asked. “Are you sure you should driving like this? You’re really upset. I don’t blame you.”

“I can’t stay here.” This wasn’t my home. I didn’t fit in. Would I ever?

“Do you want me to call Oliver? Or Jackson? I know they’d come.”

“No.” I walked back into the common area. “They can’t know about this.”

“Heaven,” she said, “You didn’t do anything wrong. They won’t be mad.”

I stopped and faced her. “I did so many things wrong. So many things. I let Noah use me. I lied to the guys. I pushed them away. My dad…he’s going to be so disappointed. You don’t know who I really am.”

“I know you’re kind. And funny. And a good friend.”

“That’s nice of you to say. Thank you.”

I didn’t wait for more. I didn’t want to hear more. I just left, taking the stairs and walking out of the building I’d called home for the past few months for the last time.

27

Jackson

My sneakers slapped on the wet sidewalk as I chased Anderson across the campus. His fucking long legs had me beat by a mile and he was already in the front door before I got there.

“I’m going to have a stroke,” I said, holding my chest. He pressed the buttons on the elevator. When it didn’t come fast enough he eyed the stairs, but I held out my hand. “Seriously dude, I will die.”

Bing!

Saved by the fucking bell.

The ride was quick up to Heaven’s floor and Anderson pushed through a group of girls standing in the hallway.

“Excuse us,” I said, following in his wake.

He pounded on her door with his fist unrelenting until it swung open and Samantha stood inside.

“Where’s Heaven?” he asked.

“Can we come in?” I added.

She stepped back and said, “She’s not here. She left a few minutes ago.”

“Left where?” I asked. Anderson had barged through the living area and into her room, checking for himself. His jaw was clenched so tight I thought it may actually break.

“I don’t know. She grabbed Amber’s car keys and took off.” She frowned. “She was a little upset.”

“About Oliver?” Anderson blurted.

Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Oliver? No. She and Ruthie...” she glanced backwards to the closed bedroom door. “There was a situation.”

“What kind of situation?” I asked, but she wrinkled her nose. “We’re worried about Heaven. It’s not like her to take off like this, not without telling one of us, and she and Oliver had a fight. If something else happened we really should know.”

Samantha rocked back on her heels and exhaled. “All I know is that Heaven was supposed to meet Noah tonight and when she didn’t show up he came over. Ruthie, being Ruthie, took advantage of the situation.”

“How?” Anderson asked.

“She and Noah had sex and then there was a really big blow up.”

“Who and Noah had sex?” I asked, feeling my blood pressure rise.

“Ruthie,” she clarified, hands in the air. “Ruthie and Noah had sex, but you know there was something going on with Heaven and Noah—I don’t know what—but it was a bitch move for sure.”

I glanced at Anderson. He was thinking it all over in that quiet way that always freaked me out. He waited for a beat, as if weighting his options, and then strode across the room toward Ruthie’s door. He didn’t knock and Samantha’s eyes were wide as he barged in the room to find the two of them snuggled up, naked, in bed.

“What the fuck?” Ruthie cried, but she watched Anderson closely. She wasn’t nearly as offended as she acted.

“What did you do to her?” Anderson asked quietly.

“To who?” she played dumb. I walked across the room and stood in the door behind him, crossing my arms over my chest. She rolled her eyes. “You mean Heaven? We didn’t do anything to her. She just freaked out when she saw us together.”

“Why would she freak out?” I asked. Because there was not one goddam reason seeing Noah with another girl should bother her…unless.

Nope. No. Fuck no.

Ruthie stroked Noah’s arm. “I guess she was jealous.”

“No,” I said, curtly. “There’s no way she was jealous. What the hell did you do?”

Anderson—who was always a ball of tension coiled way too tight—snapped. He lunged over the bed and dragged Noah off the mattress and onto the floor. Thank god he had on shorts.

“Oh,” Samantha said, reaching for her phone. I gave her a warning look and she stopped.

“Look, dude,” Noah said. He lifted himself off the floor. “I’m sorry Heaven didn’t tell you what was going on with us. She’s like that; a liar and a whore. She was all over me and I did what I could to let her down easy but—”

The sound of Anderson’s fist shattering Noah’s cheek ricocheted through the room. Ruthie screamed while holding the blanket up to her chest and Samantha gasped, and I jumped on Anderson before he could do it again.

“Stop,” I told him. He pulled his elbow back, ready to go in again. I grabbed him by the crook of his arm. “Anderson!” He’d lose his scholarship. His spot on the team. His future. I shoved him back and moved in between them.

“Noah, dude, I don’t know who the fuck you are, but I do know Heaven. She is not a liar and she’s definitely not a whore. And yeah, she did tell us about why she was hanging out with you—something that had to do with your parents.”

Noah cradled his cheek. “Her dad is a petty con-man preacher trying to get my father to fund his program. My father told me it was never going to happen but to play along for my mother’s sake. She wanted me with a sweet little Christian girl—who better than a doe-eyed girl named Heaven?”

Anderson grunted behind me and I held out my hand.

“So what? She thought she was helping her dad?”

“She felt obligated and I played up to it. The girl is pretty naïve for growing up with a dad like that. But, yeah, I figured I could string her along for a while, get her to put out and then walk away.” He winced. “Unfortunately, she was a pain in the ass so I had to use some leverage to keep her around.”

“What kind of leverage?” I asked.

“I found the cache of photos of her from high school. You’re in them—both of you. And a bunch of other guys, too.”

“That was a set up. She was harassed all year,” Anderson said. Noah glanced at him warily.

“Yeah, well she didn’t want her dad to know about it. And she certainly didn’t want him to know she was still seeing you guys, and was willing to do what it took to keep that information safe. Or at least I thought so, until she bailed on me tonight, effectively calling off our deal.”

“And that’s when you fucked Ruthie.”

“Hey!” Ruthie said, feigning offense. “I was just trying to help a guy out. I didn’t know he was playing so many games.”

“What? Like you haven’t been playing them yourself?” Samantha asked. We all turned in surprise.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ruthie sniffed.

“Heaven’s dad approached both of us about keeping tabs on her. He wanted any kind of evidence about her friends, her social life, her grades.”

“And you gave it to him?” I asked her, feeling disgusted.

“Hell no. It was weird and he’s a scary guy.” She nodded at her roommate. “Ruthie took the money, though.”

“Hell yeah I did.” She shrugged, making her red hair tumble down her shoulders. “I tried to make friends with her. And you guys for that matter. She was possessive and spoiled and I got sick of it.”

“That’s your excuse for betraying someone’s privacy?”

“That and the fact I like nice things.”

“You sold your roommate out because you ‘like nice things’? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” My rage was barely contained. “And you want to call my girl a whore? You’ve got no clue what it’s like to be someone like Heaven. She’s smart and kind. She’s kick-ass and sensitive. She struggles. Do you know that? She struggles every goddamn day of her life and the last thing she needs is a bitch like you dragging her down.”

“How dare you—”

“No,” Amber said, suddenly appearing in the door. “I’ll take it from here, Jax.” She stepped closer to Ruthie. “You don’t get to defend yourself. You get to shut the hell up. Take your blood money and get the hell out of here, because if I ever see your face again I will scratch your eyes out.”

Ruthi whimpered but shut her mouth, sinking back on the bed.

I looked away from the shitshow surrounding us and faced Anderson. “We need to find her.”

He nodded. “I think I know how.”

“Will you stay here in case she comes back?” I asked Amber.

“Yes, and I’ll throw out the trash while I wait.”

Noah called out as we walked toward the front door, “Don’t think I won’t press charges. My father will sue!”

It took enormous strength but Anderson walked out the door. I stopped and looked at Noah, restraining myself. We locked eyes and I said, “Don’t think that I won’t let him come back and finish the job. You better hope that Heaven’s okay when we find her.”

28

Heaven

The rain started while I was inside—while my world imploded. I jogged down to the student lot. My phone vibrated steadily in my hand and I shut it off, stashing it in my pocket until I reached Amber’s car. I felt like a thief, but I slipped behind the wheel anyway and embraced the quiet.

“What have you done, Heaven Reeves,” I muttered to myself. What had I done? So many lies upon lies. Why did I think I could live this life—have it all?

Part of me knew this was fixable…a small part, but the dark dread that lived in my chest—in my mind—all the time beat away at the logic, twisting it in my brain until it no longer mattered. I was doomed. Fated. Anything I touched turned bad and the look on Oliver’s face earlier confirmed this. I couldn’t put him through this again. I couldn’t put any of them through it.

Especially myself.

I wiped off my face and suddenly knew where I should go. Where I had to go.

Home.

Pulling into the heavy rain, I drove and formulated a plan. A plan always helped and I’d been without one for too long, allowing my father and Noah to dictate my life. Letting fear take over. Things were out of control and I needed to take it back.

The roads were dark and slick—forcing me to drive slower than I liked. Finally, my lights flashed on the sign for Allendale and I pulled off, stopping in a closed gas station parking lot. My phone lit up with messages but I ignored them, hitting my mother’s number instead. She’d talk me through this. We’d work it out.

It was late and I worried she’d not answer, but my heart leapt when I heard the click.

“Mom?” I blurted.

“Hello? Heaven?”

My heart sank.

“Hi, Daddy.”

“It’s late sweetheart, is something wrong?”

I stared out the window, watching the rain fall. “I screwed up your plan, Daddy. With Noah.”

“What?” he asked, obviously confused. “I don’t understand.”

“Noah’s a creep.” My fingers clenched the steering wheel. “I couldn’t do what he wanted. What you needed from me. I just couldn’t.”

He sighed. “Heaven, I have long prayed for your soul. Ever since I found out about the sinful ways you lead your life while I was gone. Leaving you like that—without a father to guide you—your path went astray.”

His words hit me hard. “No, Daddy, that’s not what happened. It wasn’t like that.”

“No? Are you telling me you didn’t sin with those boys? That you didn’t display your sexuality with inappropriate clothing? That you weren’t fornicating outside of marriage? That you’re not supportive of homosexuals and sinners?” he asked, listing my sins. “Did you really think you could keep it away from me?”

“I…I…” I chewed on my fingernail, tugging at the skin around it until it tore and bled. I wanted to deny his accusations, but they were all true. All of it. Except I knew in my heart it wasn’t so simple. “It’s not as bad as it seems. So much of it was lies. I was being stalked. Bullied.”

“I saw what you were wearing. What you did. You asked for it.”

“No. I didn’t.” Didn’t you? my brain whispered. “Things got out of control and it was happening again with Noah.”

“Baby girl, why do you think I sent you to Noah? He’s a sinner just like you. I figured you’d be fine with doing what you needed to make the arrangement between his father and I work.”

I blinked. “You what?”

“You had one job, Heaven, and that was to please Noah Hancock. Obviously, you’ve failed at that, just like you’ve failed at everything else in your life.”

“You wanted me to have sex with him?”

“Why not? You spread your legs for every other male that crosses your path. What’s one more? Oh wait, I know.” His voice turned hard. “Noah was the one that held the key to the funding I needed to continue my work at the church. The one that would pave the way toward your mother’s happiness and our future together. She’s told me of your selfishness, Heaven. The dramatics and intentional harm you did to yourself. The hours lost. The money spent. She assured me you’d gotten better, but obviously you’re still an entitled brat incapable of looking out for anyone else.”

Tears ran down my face, hot and bitter. Every word he said was dipped in truth.

“I’m sorry, Daddy,” I choked. Hardly able to see through my tears.

“It’s too late for apologies, Heaven, but thank you for the call. I can at least try to attempt some damage control with Mr. Hancock in the morning.”

He hung up and I sat in the silent car holding the phone, feeling the darkness spread until the flicker of an idea tugged at me and I started the car. I turned away from Allendale and got back on the two-lane highway.

I felt a pang of homesickness as I drove away; for the small house I’d shared with my mother, the bedroom the boys snuck into at different times, squeezing their large bodies into my small, single bed. That was where they’d learned the truth about my self-harm and when they built the protective wall around me. A wall I continued to jackhammer away with my bad decisions.

I sped away from the main road that passed the high school where I won Winter Princess and Spencer tried to rape me in the parking lot. Going further would take me to Oliver’s massive home and his cozy apartment. The place Anderson took my virginity. The place where that precious, special moment was recorded and used against me.

Everything good in my life had an equal and resounding negative reaction.

They were the light. I was the dark and as long I was in their lives I would continue to taint them with pain.

My father made that clear.

With both hands on the wheel, I kept going, knowing now that Allendale wasn’t the place for me to make my peace. I needed to go further down the road, past the tree line to the place where the ocean met the shore.

I got off at the final exit—the last one before the road took a sharp left up the coast. The sign read Oceanside, the letters rusty with age, like everything else about this town. Unchanging. Unrelenting. This was where I came from. The soil from my birth. If any place could wash away my sins, it would be this tiny edge of earth.

I drove down the quiet beach road. It was late. The locals were all asleep and it was long past any kind of tourist season. There was a small dirt road that led straight to the water. I’d been down it many times with Justin and when I found it, I took it. The rain drops lessened, and by the time I parked they’d stopped entirely. Rolling down my window, I caught the strong scent of salty air and the rumble of crashing waves, feeling a sense of peace that’d been missing for too long.

Kicking off my shoes, I stepped into the cool, wet sand. The wind blew hard, pushing the storm out to sea, and my ears filled with the roaring waves.

The clouds vanished, revealing a sky full of stars. For the first time in ages I felt whole. On the edge of the continent I was just me. Heaven. Not the slut or the whore. Not the girl that could be manipulated and used. Not a body or a vessel to further someone else’s agenda.

Out here, I couldn’t hurt anyone else and no one could hurt me.

Taking a deep, solidifying breath, I waded in.

29

Hayden

Oliver screeched the Mustang to a stop outside of Stetson Hall. I climbed in the back, leaving the seat up. Jackson scrambled in, wet from the rain, and Anderson sat in the front. His hand was bloody and swollen.

“What the hell happened to you?” I asked, reaching forward.

“He punched Noah,” Jackson said. “Fucker had it coming.”

Anderson let me inspect his hand—I’d busted mine up dozens of times in the goal. “I don’t think you broke anything.”

In his other hand he held up his phone. “I know how we can find Heaven.”

“Remember a few months ago when we went on that trip to the amusement park? I put that tracker on everyone’s phone so we could meet up.”

Oliver nodded. “It’s still on there?”

“Unless Heaven turned hers off. I’ve used it a few times since to check up on everyone.” He looked at me. “You know, when you’re running late.”

“Stalker.”

“Well, my stalker-ness may just save our asses tonight. Shit has officially hit the fan.” He glanced at Oliver. “You were right. Things are bad. We’ve got to find her.”

He pulled up the app and a red star popped up on the map. Anderson frowned. “She’s headed down the highway.” He looked back at us. “Toward home.”

Jackson shook his head. “That’s not good. She doesn’t know about her dad.”

“Know about what?” Oliver asked.

I sat in the back of the Mustang, my long legs cramped and antsy, listening as they explained what happened upstairs. The rumble of the engine made it hard to hear but it didn’t stop the wave after wave of anger that rolled through me. Noah had no idea how lucky he was that Anderson was the one that punched him. He was too civilized for actual violence. But me? I would have torn him to pieces.

“He was blackmailing her?” Oliver asked.

“And her father was spying on her,” Jackson said, adding, “and us.”

“Shit,” I muttered, looking out the window and into the dark. “So he knows everything.”

“Seems like it,” Anderson said.

“She’ll be crushed.”

Because that was what this was all about. What we’d spent months doing for this girl that we loved so much. Keeping her safe. Building her up. Making her feel sexy, wanted, and whole. There was a glitch in Heaven’s brain that told her otherwise, which was why we reminded her constantly.

But these two bastards came in her life and in a matter of days tore her down again, and it was my biggest goddamn fear she wouldn’t survive.

I tapped Oliver on the shoulder. “Drive faster.”

He pressed down on the gas, kicking the engine into high gear.

The car grew quiet. Oliver focused on the road. Jackson dialed and redialed her number. Anderson held out his phone and we watched the red star, the distance closing between where we were and where she was headed.

Until her star stopped.

“Where is that?” I asked, leaning over the seat.

“Outside Allendale.” Anderson zoomed in. “Looks like the gas station on Route 4?”

“It’s two-fucking-a.m. What is she doing there?” Jackson growled.

We watched silently as our little star got closer to hers. My adrenaline surged, thinking we’d make it to her.

“What? Where are you going?” Anderson muttered as the star started moving, taking a sudden U-turn.

“Is she headed back?” I asked.

Jackson pulled out his phone and dialed her number again. He slammed it against the seat when she didn’t answer.

“No. She’s going toward the coast.”

Oliver frowned. His eyes caught mine in the rearview mirror. “Is she going to see Justin?”

Not the best thing but certainly not the worst.

“Maybe, but I don’t think they talk much anymore,” Jackson said, leaning into the seat.

The Mustang ate up the miles, getting closer and closer. Anderson held up the phone. The star clung to the edge of the land—nothing but blue beyond. “She’s at the beach.”

“I don’t like this,” Oliver said.

The uneasy feeling in my chest blossomed into sheer panic. “I don’t either.”

Oliver turned off the highway toward Oceanside, rumbling down the deserted road. The rain ceased, making the windshield wipers scrape across the dry surface. Jackson barked for Oliver to turn them off. Tension—fear—ran high.

We kept our eyes peeled as Anderson barked out directions. We were close. So close.

But would we be there in time?

30

Heaven

Ice-cold water rushed over my toes, swallowing my ankles in white-foam. The moon appeared from behind the drifting clouds, giving me a path reflecting off the dark water to follow.

One more step.

Then another.

Then it would be over.

The pain.

The disappointment.

The shame.

The hollowness.

I touched the puckered skin from my most recent cut, hating it and craving it at the same time. No more of this. No more.

The boys—I pushed them out of my head. I couldn’t think of them now. It was just more pain. Their lives were better off without the tangled web of darkness that followed me.

I took another step, thinking of my father’s world. I’d cleanse myself. Make myself pure again. Maybe then I’d be worthy for the other side.

Another wave rolled over my knees, lapping at my skirt and at the cuffs of my sweater. The cold water chilled my skin, soothed the cuts. Took away the pain.

I took one last look at the stars above and plunged beneath.

31

Anderson

Amber’s little red car sat alone on the dirt road leading toward the ocean. I hopped out of the car before Oliver even stopped, running in the direction of crashing waves.

Something was so very, very wrong.

My shoes bogged in the wet sand and I kicked off my sneakers as I ran over the dunes down the path that led to the beach.

Moonlight lit my path, like a signal from the heavens, revealing fresh footprints in the sand. Voices called behind me—shouting her name. I didn’t waste my breath. I knew. In my heart, I knew.

I shucked off my hoodie, tossing it in the sand, following the footsteps straight to the edge of the water, heading into the icy ocean.

“Anderson!” I heard my name shouted in the wind. Oliver stood on the shore behind me. Jackson and Hayden took off in opposite directions of the beach.

I ignored him, shouting her name instead. “Heaven! Heaven!”

It was so dark. So ridiculously dark, and the water was freezing. I didn’t stop, knowing she was out there. Water seeped up my legs, pulling at my jeans. I waded in deeper. “Heaven!”

The tide tugged at me, sucking me under a cresting wave. I pushed off the bottom with my toes and on the other side, in the clear spot behind the cresting wave, I saw a splash of water.

“Heaven!” My voice was lost in the wind. “Heaven!”

I dove toward the wave, arms forward, using every ounce of skill, every hour of training, every moment of preparation to save my girl.

The cold water hit me hard, combining with the adrenaline pumping through my system. The denim of my jeans held me back but my arms are powerful and they searched through the water. I surfaced, shouting, “Heaven! Baby! Can you hear me?”

And got nothing back but the sounds of the ocean. I called again, my voice cracking, then smothered by a wave.

I swore I heard a cry.

It was so cold and my muscles trembled and I didn’t know how much longer I could stay out here. I looked to the sky and whispered a prayer. For me. For the guys. For Heaven.

Something hard kicked my leg and I jumped, spinning around. Bubbles floated to the surface and pale white skin shimmered under the water.

A wave rolled toward us and I dove under it, eyes wide in the dark, vast ocean, but she was here and I was going to get her. I would not leave without her.

32

Heaven

The water shocked my system, screaming at my lungs and piercing my skin…but then…numbness crept across my body and I curled into it like a blanket.

The peace I craved came rolling over me, draining away the pain—the heartbreak and loss. My ears filled with the roar of water. I was flung under, sucked down. Spit back out. I cried, feeling the cold air slap my cheeks.

Again, the ocean grabbed my feet and pulled me to the depths. My arms flailed and my lungs burned and flashes crossed my eyes. Anderson sitting next to me, pencil tucked behind his ear. Oliver smiling sweetly, caressing my marred skin. Jackson smirking cheekily and Hayden, his eyes holding mine, looking through my soul.

I reached for them, through the black, murky water, finding nothing. I panicked, flat, hollow screams—water searing my lungs. I flailed, hitting rock and succumbing finally.

Finally.

I bobbed under the waves, the blanket shifting, tugging, dragging me away. Life wasn’t easy. Death would be worse. My father told me I’d paved my way. The hands of the devil were strong and when I looked up, blinking away the salt and the water, he was handsome, too.

Not the devil but an angel, with sharp cheekbones and eyes as green as a field of grass.

“Help,” he cried, and I opened my mouth to speak but my lungs were full, so very full.

He lifted me like a feather and the sound of waves crashed into the skies above. I had no doubt that this angel was here to take me home.

* * *

I woke, searching for stars and only finding florescent light.

My mother sat in the chair next to my bed, an old, wrinkled tissue twisted in her hands, staring at my feet.

I’d been here before. Or was it the same time? The beep of machines. The scent of antiseptic. The sound of voices in the hall.

I shifted my head, feeling pain wracked through my chest, like a hundred-pound weight held me down. My hands were tied down. My throat dry and raw.

“Mom?” I whispered, closing my eyes in pain.

A shadow crossed over me. A hand touched my forehead, my wrist. “Heaven?”

“Mom.”

I didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry. How did you find me? Why did you save me?

I felt the tears on my face.

Mine or hers?

A chair moved. Feet shuffled. I waited for the prick of a needle. The sting of alcohol. I felt warmth and weight.

“Babe,” I heard whispered and I blinked, searching for the eyes of the angel.

I found four.

A sob wracked through me. “I’m so sorry.” I meant it. Seeing their faces. How could I give that up?

“It’s not your fault.”

I shook my head.

“It’s not your fault.”

I bit my bottom lip.

“It’s not your fault, Heaven.”

I felt warm lips on my forehead and another on my cheek, followed by a press on the back of each of my hands.

“Rest. Sleep,” a voice said.

I opened my eyes and they stood crowded around my bed. My mother, exhausted and drained, against the wall. “Don’t leave me.”

“Never again,” Oliver said, dropping his forehead to mine. “Never again.”

33

Eight Weeks Later

It felt a little like déjà vu when Oliver arrived at my house looking like a hundred and fifty million bucks in a dark blue suit and with a matching bowtie. He stood at my door holding a bouquet of silver roses that matched my glittery dress.

That I wasn’t wearing because he was an hour early.

I opened the door in my ratty Clemson sweatshirt and a pair of shorts and one eye made up. “What are you doing here? Is something wrong?”

“No,” he said with a lopsided grin. “I just couldn’t wait to see you.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

“Yep.” He rocked back on his heels, squinting with brilliant eyes. “Love your makeup.”

“Shut up.”

I let him in and he followed me up the stairs to my bedroom. All the new stuff I got for my dorm room was spread around the room. The comforter that matched Amber’s. The shower caddy. I didn’t need these things here but I was living here now, so…right.

“I’m glad you came early, but something tells me you had an ulterior motive.”

He stood in my doorway, looking too big and definitely overdressed. “What? I can’t be excited to see you? Maybe snag a little time alone before the big event?”

I passed him and he grabbed my arm, giving me a kiss. It wasn’t a gentle peck, but the toe-curling, heart-shattering kind.

I rubbed my lips when we parted and eyed him skeptically. A year had passed since the Winter Formal at Allendale High, and we’d been invited back to pass the crown down to the next generation of royalty. Oliver had been tasked with driving me and the other guys would meet us there.

“You came here to keep an eye on me,” I said, walking to the bathroom to resume my makeup application. “You’re babysitting.”

He scoffed. “What? No.”

I dug around for my mascara wand. “You know this is the first time I’ve been alone since I left the program.”

The program. The hospital. Peaceful Harbor. Whatever you want to call it.

“Is it?” he asked nonchalantly. He knew it was, because he and the guys were all on the same page; the ‘keep Heaven safe’ page.

It was pretty sweet.

I ignored him and worked on my face. I’d gotten pretty good at cosmetics at Peaceful Harbor. My roommate was obsessed with hair and makeup—she had big dreams of working in the movie business one day. The program allowed us the essentials—it wasn’t prison, but a therapeutic program with constant group, family, and individual therapy. We had art and yoga. During down time, Bianca begged me to be her model and then later I morphed into her student. I realized, after all that dressing up I’d done, I kind of liked fashion and creating costumes. After four weeks of intensive therapy and tutelage from Bianca, I could whip up a hell of a smoky eye.

Through the mirror I studied Oliver as he combed through my bookshelf, pulling out each one. He was assessing me, like I was assessing him—tip-toeing around the fact this wasn’t new but it also wasn’t the same.

Things had changed a lot over the last few months.

* * *

It was an odd place—a particular state of limbo—when you tried to take your life and failed.

Everyone around you is relieved but you—I—just feel lost. More confused than before. Embarrassed. Guilty. Raw.

I hated the concern in their eyes. The tense set of their jaws. The fear that lingered and their tentative touch. But the worst thing…the absolute worst thing was the fact that Anderson nearly drowned.

My memory of anything other than walking onto the beach was fuzzy at best, but they told me that Anderson saved my life, diving into the dark, frigid water to find me. Hayden performed CPR. Oliver called the ambulance and Jackson took care of Anderson.

I stayed in the Allendale hospital for a week before they found me an open bed at Peaceful Harbor. My father tried to see me, but I wouldn’t. Couldn’t. I wasn’t ready. My mother and doctors agreed. It was my choice. It should have left me empowered, but I just felt hollow.

Despite all this, there was one person I wanted to speak to alone: Anderson.

“You shouldn’t have risked yourself like that,” I’d said. We were sitting across from one another in uncomfortable vinyl chairs. “You could’ve died.”

“You almost did. I wasn’t willing to risk that.” I started to argue but he looked up at me with haunted, green eyes. The rings underneath were as dark and pervasive as my own. “You’ve never understood that we’re in this as much as you are, have you? That you’re not alone. If it wasn’t me, it would have been Oliver. If not Oliver, Hayden. If not Hayden—”

“Jackson. I get it. But it’s not fair for me to risk your life.” I’d stared at my hands, not his face, because I loved his face so much and it hurt too much to see the worry etched all over his. “You have so much to live for; swimming, the Olympics, school. You’re going to be an incredible man.”

He took my hands in his. They were warm and rough. A scab grew over his knuckles. “I love you, Heaven. I can’t help it, but if you can’t see the value in your life, I don’t know what to do anymore.”

I didn’t want him to leave. I loved him too, at least I thought I did. Right then I felt nothing but pain and despair. The feeling wasn’t active but more passive. A constant pull against my mind and body.

That moment, looking into his beautiful face, knowing I almost risked that, it was when I realized I needed help.

I just needed time to get better. Healthy. For real this time, not just a Band-aid over the old wounds, but healing them for real.

So I started at Peaceful Harbor. And it sucked. They searched for contraband, which could be anything from mechanical pencils to earrings. They confiscated my phone, inspected my shoes. Took my jewelry, laces, and belt. It wasn’t a prison, but at times it sure felt like it was.

I started with a psychiatrist and they fed me round, brown pills. Bianca sat next to me and I saw the gnarled scars on her wrists. For the first time in a long time I didn’t feel so alone—so lost.

Family therapy? Well—it was worse than anything. The boys gave me their unconditional love. They’d always had, but my mother? She had to get her head out of her ass, and my father’s, before we could work through it all.

Stuff came up; like how my dad was a really shitty guy. Emotionally abusive and manipulative as hell. With my therapist sitting next to me I told my mom I wasn’t coming home if he was there. Ever.

To her credit, she kicked him out that day and found her own therapist. She had some shit to work through, too. People like my father spend their lives mind-fucking everyone they know. It makes you second guess yourself. Question your judgement. I understood that a little better now. I looked at my own reactions to things; why I was so reactive? Self-destructive? Why I pushed away the people I loved?

I did have choices. I had control. I had a support system. And frankly, something in my brain was a little out of whack. The meds helped getting the chemicals back in line. When all of that got stabilized and I felt less neurotic zombie and more like Heaven, I came home. The therapy wasn’t over, but the healing had begun.

* * *

I coated my eyelid in a final dusting of silver powder, still aware of Oliver as he made it around the room.

He fingered the photographs I’d pinned to a bulletin board. “I like this one,” he said. I was about five years old, holding a giant sunflower as big as my head. Oliver turned to me to say something else but stopped cold.

“What?”

“You’re just beautiful. I never get used to it.”

I shook my head. “You know, if you say it too much it may lose its effect.”

“I’ll take that risk.” He walked over, nearly killing me with the lines of that suit. It accentuated his everything and it stirred the spark of desire I’d only recently been feeling again. He stood before me and touched my neck. “You know Anderson used to talk about this sweatshirt all the fucking time. I think he went home and jacked off to the Clemson spiritwear catalogue the way the rest of us used Victoria’s Secret.”

I wrinkled my nose. “That’s ridiculous and a little gross.”

He laughed and shrugged. “Now I get it, because that is the sexiest damn thing I’ve ever seen.”

I pressed my back into the bathroom door frame and looked into Oliver’s eyes. What was going on here? I’d been certain he’d come over early because my mom had a shift at work and I needed watching. All the guys had kept their flirting pretty PG since I’d returned home—sliding right back into protective mode. We’d watched a lot of Netflix and shared a lot of hand-holding and kisses. It’d been nice.

But right now? Oliver wasn’t giving me babysitter vibes.

“I really should probably change.”

His eyes flicked over to me. “Are you sure about that?”

His hand connected with my hip and his eyes searched mine. I pushed up on my toes and touched his cheek before kissing him. It started slow, his mouth and tongue exploring mine. His hand inched up my side, brushing underneath my bare breast.

Oliver swallowed and held my eye. “Before all this went down you told us not to hold back, that you weren’t a fragile, vulnerable girl. You’re the strongest person I know, Heaven. So incredibly strong.” He cupped my face with his hands and his voice trembled as he spoke. “I’d never held out on you. Not once. I was waiting for the right time—the right moment. We could have fucked at any point. In the car, in my apartment, behind the dugout at the field, but that’s not what I’ve ever wanted with you.”

His words rushed over me, bold and honest. His hands slid down my shoulders and around my waist. He pulled me tight and whispered in my ear. “When you’re ready—if you’re ready—I want to make love to you, Heaven Reeves. I want to adore you, worship every inch of you.”

Tingling warmth spread through my body and limbs. I loved the feel of his body close to mine; the weight, the want. He looked like a movie star in that tux but he held me in my ratty clothes like I was already in my fancy dress.

“Now,” I told him. “Let’s do it now.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Now? I didn’t mean now.”

“I don’t care.”

“We have, like, forty-five minutes.”

“We’ll be late.”

A slow grin appeared on his face combined with dark intensity in his eyes. He leaned forward, licking my bottom lip. I snaked my arms around his neck and he lifted me, carrying me over to the bed. After laying me on the bed he said, “I’ve got to get off this suit before I destroy it.”

I nodded and watched him undress. Shrugging off his coat and tugging the bowtie out of his collar. He fumbled with the buttons, revealing his muscular chest. I fought a laugh as he draped it over my desk chair along with his pants. My smile froze when I saw him in his shorts, erection hard and pushing for freedom. I’d known Oliver was big—and not that I compared, but lord, he was bigger than the others. He climbed on the bed and kissed my ankles. He moved up my calves and I seized when he reached the soft spot behind my knees.

“That tickles,” I said, squirming away.

“I know.” He continued, slowly making his way up my inner thigh. “I like it when you get riled up and squirm.”

He pushed at my shorts before reaching for the waist and tugging them down. Coming back, he kissed my hips, my belly, and reached for my breasts. I wanted him badly and god he was patient. I should have known this from how long it took us to get here. How he’d bided his time to do it the way he wanted. I sat up and reached for his neck, “I love you, do you know that?”

His eyes lit with fire. “Yeah, I think I do.”

The remainder of our clothes fell and I tried not to gawk at his size when he finally kicked off his shorts. I was ready for him. So very much ready, and he took it slow, kissing me the whole time, loving me the whole time, whispering in my ear the whole time, until he filled me and I felt a special sense of completion.

“When I look to the stars you’re all I see,” he said, pushing inside and touching me the way I liked. “You’re the sun and the moon and everything in between.” I kissed him and he kissed me back. I rocked my hips and he rocked his, until there was no more talking, just the sound of two people in love, making love, being in love and all the ecstasy that came with it.

34

Heaven

“I know this is a cliché, but damn it looks so small,” Oliver said, just outside the door.

“No, you’re right.” I studied the gym entrance, one I’d taken a million times before. “It does look small.”

“I guess it means something when you’re bigger than the place you came from, right?”

Bigger. Stronger. Whatever the word, I’d take it.

Oliver moved to the door but I’m stuck in place.

“What?” he asked with a frown.

“You think they’ll laugh when they see me? Do you think they know what happened?”

He pulled me against his chest. A group of younger girls in low-cut, pageant-style dresses walked by. They looked forty years old. They didn’t giggle when they passed but I saw wide eyes and dropped jaws as they took Oliver in.

Oh, the Allendale Four. The stuff of legends.

“I think that you’re beautiful and a survivor, but if you don’t want to go in, then that’s fine too. I’m ready to get out of this suit and go eat some waffles down at the diner.”

I tugged at his lapels. “You literally just put this back on.”

“For you? I’ll take it off again.”

God he was so cute.

“We have to go in,” I said. “The guys are here.”

He nodded. “They’re definitely going to want to see you in that dress.”

It was sparkly, covered with a million silver sequins. I carried my tiara in my hand, ready to hand it over to the new winner.

“Heaven!”

I spun in the direction of the voice. Amber and Ginger strolled up.

“What are you doing here?” I asked after giving them both a hug.

“Ginger wanted to see where we grew up.”

Amber and Ginger…they were a real thing now. They’d moved into a suite with Samantha after I withdrew. Sam didn’t have a roommate right now, saving a spot for my return next semester.

“How are you doing?” Amber asked. It took her a long time to believe me when I told her I didn’t blame her for being MIA during a lot of my drama. She had a life and I was really good at keeping secrets.

“Better. I think every day is a little better.”

“I can’t wait until you get back.” She squeezed my neck.

Oliver held up his phone. “We need to get inside. The guys are getting antsy.”

I took a deep breath and with Oliver and Amber at my side, going through the door wasn’t as difficult as I expected.

The inside of the school seemed smaller too, and we took the back hall to the side of the stage where the other Allendale boys were waiting. They each wore a suit, of various shades. Jackson looked deadly in black. Hayden like a dream in charcoal, and Anderson found a color of light gray that brought out the green in his eyes.

“Damn,” Jackson muttered when he saw me. He gave Oliver a dirty look. “No wonder you’re late.”

Oliver grinned like the cat that caught the canary. It wasn’t lost on anyone. If Oliver broke through the mental health sex embargo, then the others knew their chance would come soon.

Yeah, I was as excited as they were.

“You guys look pretty handsome, too,” I said, walking by and running a hand over their chests. “Who knew when you took off those T-shirts and uniforms you’d clean up so well.”

“I did,” Ginger said. “I mean, I’m not surprised.”

Amber beamed and kissed her on the cheek. Ginger turned and kissed her on the lips. The rest of us watched, eyes wide.

“Huh,” Anderson said, watching them more closely than necessary.

I punched him in the gut and he shrugged sheepishly.

“College is about experimenting,” Hayden said, then coughed. “You know, if you’re not in a committed relationship.”

Ms. Rivers, the vice principal, walked up the stage stairs and stood in front of the microphone. My life had come a long way in the last year but one thing remained the same…

“Welcome back, last year’s princes and princess,” she called, waving us on the stage. Amber pushed my back and Oliver took my hand.

Even if I felt like it at times, I wasn’t alone. Even if my brain tried to fight me, I had these guys at my back. There was one thing for certain, we were The Allendale Five. Forever.

Epilogue

Summer

“Are you sure about this?” Anderson asked. We sat in his car while the others waited in the dusty parking lot.

“Hanging out with the four of you shirtless all afternoon? How could that be a bad idea?”

“Reeves…”

Uh oh, when he used my last name, it meant he was fed up. “Yes, I’m sure about this, but if you have a problem I respect that. I know this is hard for you, too.”

He leaned his head back in the seat, his long hair flopping in his eyes. I brushed it away, letting my hand linger on his cheek. “There are bad memories out there, Heaven.”

“My therapist says we should make new memories. Better ones.”

He nodded and took a deep breath. After a moment he grabbed my hand, kissing my fingers. “Okay, let’s go.”

The sun was hot when I got out of the car; the air salty and humid. I heard the rumble of waves and yeah, it caught me off guard. I paused and four sets of eyes watched me carefully.

“I’m fine.”

They nodded and continued their watch.

I loved them for it.

They were loaded down for the day, beach bags, coolers, blankets, and umbrellas. I wanted to make a day of it. Fun. Silly. Everything the last time we were here wasn’t.

I kicked off my shoes and felt the sand burning into my flesh. It felt good. Alive and pushing past every ounce of anxiety I had started to run, leaving the boys behind for the edge of the world. What was almost my grave.

I peeled off my sundress and took the first tentative step—the water was still cold but July cold, not winter cold, and it was very different. Titling my head up, I felt the sun heat my nose.

Footsteps sounded behind me and a pair of strong arms wrapped around my waist. I leaned back into the solid chest with my eyes closed. “Thank you for saving my life,” I said, feeling his heartbeat against my back. Shadows crossed and more footsteps came and soon we were a circle at the edge of the sea.

“You’re the strongest of us all, Heaven Reeves.”

I blinked, taking them all in. My friends. My lovers. My protectors. My saviors.

With a grin on my face I broke free, pushing past them for the water. They stilled, afraid, but that’s why we were here. To fight our fears. To cleanse our souls. To make new memories.

I curved my finger, drawing them to me.

I wanted them to be in every last one of mine.

The End

(Except keep reading for one extra little scene. Rated R+)

Once Upon A Time…

“Hey,” I said, trying to keep my voice down. The hallway was quiet and I didn’t really want to alert the residents that I was out here. “Any chance I can crash here tonight?”

Oliver rubbed his face and then head, eyes blinking in the bright hallway light. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, Amber and Ginger are just…busy…”

He raised his eyebrows in understanding. “Gotcha. Sure, come on in. Jax is asleep.”

It was after midnight and I’d just come from a bio study group with Anderson and a few other classmates. I heard the moans before I opened the door and had no interest in interrupting my roommate and her girlfriend. Anderson had an early practice and I didn’t like doing the walk of shame to or from Hayden’s frat. Oliver and Jackson’s dorm was easier to get in and out of.

Sometimes it was nice to have a couple options.

He widened the door and I entered their small room. I’m hit with the mixture of soap, musky boy, and lingering sweat from all their workouts. Two single beds—one on each side. Oliver’s had a reading lamp attached to the headboard. Jackson laid flat on his back, book splayed on his chest. I smiled and turned to Oliver, fighting a laugh.

“He looks so cute,” I whisper, hanging my bag on his desk chair.

His arm wrapped around my waist. “You look cute.”

I kicked off my shoes and shrugged out of my jeans, leaving them on the floor. Oliver got back in bed, pushing his back against the wall, making room for me in the tight space. He’s an excellent spooner, something I’ve known since the beginning of our relationship.

He pulled me to his chest, my butt nestled between his hips. I felt the size of him. The growth and the tremble of want stirred in my belly. He pushed aside my hair and peppered my neck with warm, soft kisses, and I twisted around and whispered, “Stop. We can’t do this with Jax over there.”

“He’s asleep,” he mutters. “And I can be super quiet.”

I caught his eye. “Maybe I can’t.”

His lips were on mine and he declared, “Challenge accepted.”

Again, he pulls me to his chest, hard length against my backside. His hands push up my shirt, cupping my breasts. His thumbs rolled over my nipples, tugging them into hard peaks and I stifled a moan of satisfaction.

Slowly and quietly, I slipped my panties over my hips and down my legs, pushing them away from my feet. I wanted to feel Oliver’s skin on mine and I reached between the folds of his boxers, pulling out his hard length. The silky skin is hot and taut and when I release him it jabbed into my back. He fumbled a little, that heat-seeking missile searching for the space between my legs. I shifted, adjusted until we were flesh to flesh.

“Damn, you’re wet,” he breathes into my ear, his hand clenches my stomach. “Warm.”

I didn’t say a word, eyes shut, terrified to look at the bed across from us, at Jax sleeping peacefully, while the two of us were playing dirty games.

Oliver’s hand dipped between my legs, rubbing the sensitive spot. His cock pushed at me, into me, and I gasped when he entered. I bit my bottom lip and my eyes popped open and all I saw in front of me was Jackson’s handsome, surprised face.

My skin prickled and I grabbed Oliver’s hand, trying to still his moving fingers between my legs. Nope. Not a chance, he made no effort to stop. Why should he? He had no idea Mr. Peeping Tom was watching us from across the room. His face was burrowed in my neck as he thrusted his hips slowly against my ass. He was deep inside me, moving at the most painfully, pleasurably slow rhythm; my whole body felt like it may burst at any moment.

I held Jackson’s gaze while my lips parted and I panted with every thrust. His lips quirked up in a dirty grin. He pushed aside the book lying on his belly and lifted the covers, revealing a very hard, full erection straining at the front of his pants.

There was no mistaking I’d brought him to this predicament.

My eyes darted down. He didn’t hesitate for a beat before his hand moved across the cotton, stroking his length. Oliver’s teeth pressed into my shoulder as he contained his own passion and I cried out from the sheer intensity of it all.

“Sorry babe,” Oliver whispered in my ear. I lifted my hand and caressed his neck, desperately not wanting him to stop. Jackson and I stared at one another. It was clear he didn’t want to stop either.

He exposed himself, pulling his cock from his shorts. He didn’t make a move toward me and holy crap it was sexy watching him, while feeling the slow, sensual moves between Oliver and me.

I thought I was experienced. Adventurous. I’d asked to push the limits. To explore fantasies, but this one had never crossed my mind.

I’d been missing out.

I watched. Damn, I watched. His fingers moved nimbly. Sure. Not that I’d doubted it but, Jackson definitely knew how to take care of himself. It was different than how I’d do it. Slower. Harder. He stroked the length of his cock as leisurely as Oliver moved in and out, painfully slow.

My skin grew hot, ignited by what I saw. Felt.

Jackson’s erection grew impossibly hard; red and straining. His thumb spread the fluid at the tip, his other hand gripped the side of the bed. Jaw tight to keep quiet. His blue eyes narrowed and glazed, never lifting from mine. His lips parted and occasionally his tongue flicked out over his bottom lip. He was beautiful; red-cheeked and overcome. Oliver’s hand moved from my belly to my breast, tugging and pulling at my nipple. His breathing increased, our motions grew erratic. He tried to stay quiet, breath hot against my back. The coil of desire tightened, every nerve a live wire. Jackson’s hand pumped faster, quicker, harder, and his jaw nearly snapped under the pressure.

“Fuck,” Oliver mumbles against my skin. “Fuck, Heaven.”

I cried out silently, consumed by all of it. Everything. I bit my bottom lip and gripped Oliver’s hand, hearing his low groan rumble in my ears as he spilled inside of me. My eyes never left Jackson’s until he shoved his face in the pillow and came hard by his own hand.

He quietly wrapped his shorts around the mess and lifted the blanket back over his heaving chest before giving me a sly wink. I steadied my own breathing and felt Oliver’s forehead on my back as he pulled himself together. Jackson rolled over, turning to face the wall, shoulders heaving silently. I blinked, wondering what the hell just happened other than the fact I’d never experienced something quite so arousing.

Oliver tugged me to his sweaty chest and kissed my neck. “You were quieter than I expected,” he said, wrapping his arms around my waist. “I thought for a minute we were going to wake him up.”

I turned to face him. “Would you have stopped if he did?”

“Hell no,” he laughed. “Jax is a pervert, he’ll be pissed to find out we had sex next to him and he didn’t realize it. That fucker would totally want to join in.”

Oh, I had no doubt about that. Not anymore. I looked up at him. “Would that be so bad?”

His breath caught and he raised an eyebrow. “Is that something you want?”

“Maybe.” I shrugged. Feeling the love and intensity from one of my guys was a lot to handle. I didn’t need more, but want? Yeah, it could be something to explore.

“We’ll talk about it,” he said, wrapping his arms around me. “With everyone, but babe, if you bring that up you better be ready for the response.”

I smiled into his chest. “I know. Trust me. I know.”

He settled down, tired from a long day, and fell asleep quickly. My heart continued to race, long after his breathing slowed. I carefully extracted myself from his arms and tiptoed across the room to the tiny bathroom they shared with the guys next door. I’d just cleaned up when a shadow crossed the threshold. I spun, crashing into Jackson’s strong, solid chest.

“Just wanted to kiss you goodnight,” he said, linking his fingers with mine and pulling me close.

“Sure you deserve it?” I asked. “You’re a naughty boy.”

He smiled against my mouth. “You like me that way.”

I did. I really, really did.

He kissed me goodnight and tucked me back in bed, tight in the arms of his best friend and roommate. In a few moments I was surrounded by the soft snores of these men, never feeling so safe, so close, to anyone in my life.

I snuggled against him, feeling the wave of exhaustion setting in, and looked at Jackson’s pretty face—there were worse things to see before falling asleep. Once again, I was reminded of the uniqueness of this relationship. If there was one thing the Allendale Four had taught me, it was that there was more than one way to love.

Good news! Due to the amazing reviews and comments in my group, Angel’s Antics, I decided to create a full three book series of The Allendale Four, The Road to Heaven, Book 3 is available for preorder on Amazon now!

Make sure you check out my other books, Raven Queen’s Harem and The Supers of Project 12 both series complete! or any of my other books, located on Amazon.

Readers,

I can’t tell you how much the outpouring of support for A Piece of Heaven meant to me. I wrote the book during a challenging time with my family where we were dealing with many of the issues in the book. The fact I could mix my love of reverse harem with the hard realities of teenage anxiety was a perfect mix. And due to your support I had the motivation to continue Heaven’s story, building to her relationship with the Allendale Four while exploring the fact that mental illness doesn’t just go away. It’s a long road with many ups and downs. It’s not something with a quick fix and it may take years or a lifetime to find stability but unlike some novels or movies I wanted to show that you can rely on people in your life. You can rely on yourself. There is hope. Or at least I hope there is hope.

I thank you all but especially my Facebook group, my beta, Jennifer, my editor Vanessa at VCedits, Angstyg for my amazing covers, as always (she really gave Heaven a face and I love that!), Lisa Swallow for support and all the other RH authors that help one another be the best we can be.

See you soon! Make sure you follow my group for updates and details. I have a few new projects in the works.

Angel

Grab a book by Angel Lawson Today!

Angel Lawson Books

(Reverse Harem)

A Piece of Heaven: The Allendale Four

(Contemporary YA Reverse Harem)

Holding on to Heaven: The Allendale Four Book 2

The Road to Heaven: The Allendale Four Book 3

(Releases Fall of 2018)

* * *

Raven Queen’s Harem:

Raven’s Mark (Part 1)

Ebony Rising (Part 2)

Black Magic (Part 3)

Obsidian Fire (Part 4)

Onyx Eclipse (Part 5)

Midnight’s End (Part 6)

*Raven’s Gift (Holiday Novella)

* * *

Huntress: Trial of Gods

* * *

The Elites: Supers of Project 12

Sentinels: Supers of Project 12 (Book 2)

Rogues: Supers of Project 12 (Book 3)

Heroes: Supers of Project 12 (Book 4)

The Death Fields: A Post Apocalyptic Thriller

The Girl Who Shot First

The Girl Who Punched Back

The Girl Who Kicked Ass

The Girl Who Kissed the Sun

The Girl Who Broke Free

The Girl Who Saved the World

Creature of Habit Series (Paranormal Romance)

Creature of Habit (Book 1)

Creature of Habit (Book2)

Creature of Habit (Book 3)

A Vampire’s Seduction (Ryan’s Story Book 4)

A Vampire’s Fate (Sebastian’s Story Book 5)

The Wraith Series (YA Paranormal Romance)

Wraith

Shadow Bound

Grave Possession

Urban Fantasy

The Lost Queen

Vigilant

Contemporary Romance:

FanGirl-A Girl Who Shot First Companion Novel

For the Win

Table of Contents

- Title Page
- Untitled
- Chapter 1
- Chapter 2
- Chapter 3
- Chapter 4
- Chapter 5
- Chapter 6
- Chapter 7
- Chapter 8
- Chapter 9
- Chapter 10
- Chapter 11
- Chapter 12
- Chapter 13
- Chapter 14
- Chapter 15
- Chapter 16
- Chapter 17
- Chapter 18
- Chapter 19
- Chapter 20
- Chapter 21
- Chapter 22
- Chapter 23
- Chapter 24
- Chapter 25
- Chapter 26
- Chapter 27
- Chapter 28
- Chapter 29
- Chapter 30
- Chapter 31
- Chapter 32
- Chapter 33
- Chapter 34
- Epilogue
- Untitled
- Untitled
- Untitled
- Untitled