The Runestones of Tritinakh
Author: Harmon Cooper
Date: 2018-02-13 05:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Fantasy
Description: What power awaits those who collect the three Runestones of Tritinakh? The Mitherfickers sure want to find out. With Kodai and the Shinigami tracking their every move, the best guild this side of Porthos takes the ultimate quest, pitting them against shamans, ice goddesses, stinky giants, and dangerous bugbears. In real world Tokyo, FeeTwix and Sophia arrive to join Ryuk in uncovering the truth of his hallucinations. What they discover is something is a game changer, to say the least. But even with the discovery, and the possibility of obtaining the Runestones, the Mitherfickers will still nee
Publisher: Boycott Books

(Book Three)

Copyright © 2018 by Harmon Cooper

Copyright © 2018 Boycott Books

Edited by Andi Marlowe

Cover by MIBL Studios

Narrated by Jeff Hays
www.harmoncooper.com
writer.harmoncooper@gmail.com

Twitter: @_HarmonCooper

All rights reserved. All rights preserved. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

JOIN THE PROXIMA GALAXY

Reader,

Before you begin, you should know that most of my series are connected through the “Proxima Galaxy,” which is the name for the online galaxy in which works such as The Feedback Loop series, the Fantasy Online series, and The Last Warrior of Unigaea trilogy takes place.

You can join the Proxima Galaxy on Facebook here, or by clicking the image below. The group gets exclusive content, early previews of new works, advanced copies, free audiobooks, and eventually, we will work on a wiki that shows just how intertwined all these series are.

-Harmon Cooper

The Fantasy Online series is dedicated to the memory of Tom Shutt.

Map of Hyperborea

Click to enlarge

Map of Polynya

Click to enlarge

“Continents, three,

Float over the Endless Sea,

Hyperborea, Polynya, and Ultima Thule.”

--A famous Tritanian poem

“Takha bae bitakh novlaa rakh Aya Bortaetae,

Huborakha, Polonkhya, Hutamae Dulekh.”

--Written in Romanized Thulean

Table of Contents

JOIN THE PROXIMA GALAXY

Map of Hyperborea

Map of Polynya

Table of Contents

.1. To Waringtla by Way of Tokyo

.2. Fallen Angel

.3. Bugbears are Assholes

.4. Occult Bakery and Athenaeum

.5. The Poo Fighters

.6. Tamana’s Test

.7. Bro Down

.8. The Maid Cafe in Akihabara

.9. Bluwid is an Actual Shithole (Not like Jatla)

.10. Upgrade

.11. Dungeons and Goblins

.12. No One Want to Live Next to a Gangster

.13. Queen of the Rings

.14. Ramen Revelations

.15. Kodai Gets Lucky

.16. Pastries and a Side Quest

.17. Lubed Up Sabotage

.18. Kayi Regroup

.19. Swords at Play

.20. Flaming Zombie Dwarves and a Sad Game of Touch Chest

.21. New Recruits for the Shinigami

.22. Samsquanch

.23. Class Act

.24. Cosmic Dust

.25. With a Little Help from My Friends

.26. Out of Retirement and Into the Fire

Epilogue

Ryuk Matsuzaki’s Character Sheet

Hiccup’s First Novella

Back of the Book Shit

The Last Warrior of Unigaea PREVIEW

Get connected with other LitRPG readers!

.1. To Waringtla by Way of Tokyo

The last thing Ryuk wants to see is Hiccup’s naked ass sprawled out on the floor.

Luckily, he’s on his belly, Ryuk thinks as his avatar takes shape.

Everything that has happened over the last few hours comes to him in a sudden flash. He recalls taking Hajime to the repair facility using the instructions the humandroid sent him over iNet.

He was so calm, so collected, Ryuk thinks. He then feels stupid for thinking this: Of course Hajime was calm and collected; he isn’t real, or at least, he doesn’t feel the same emotions we do.

After Ryuk released him to the repair facility, Hajime walked him through the next steps he needed to take.

First, Ryuk installed the most powerful encryption apps available on the dark web. He then booked a Proxima capsule hotel not far from Hajime’s location under a false name using fake life chip info and a chip masker.

He even had a fabricated life story just in case someone asked him (he was a college student visiting a sick relative, his alias was Madara Uchiha). Ryuk was instructed to stay logged in until Hajime recovered, twelve hours total, which would still give him time to meet FeeTwix and Sophia in person under Hajime’s watchful eye.

And that was that. Hajime would pick him up tomorrow and they’d continue their new, fugitive-esque lives in Tokyo.

Whatever that entails.

Ryuk hasn’t really figured out what happens yet or where they’ll go. His brother will be looking for him; Hajime was certain that Tesla would be repaired, and she’d be looking for them as well.

Then there was his mother. Her assistant had already contacted him demanding answers. If Kodai couldn’t find him, his mother could. She was resourceful; she had connections across the city.

As Hajime had told him over iNet: it is imperative to keep a low profile.

“Yoy, yoy, yoy,” Hiccup mumbles in his sleep.

The cranky goblin is in the Knights of Non Compos Mentis’ secret guildhall alone, likely having cleared everyone out with a blast from the past. In this case, the ‘past’ meaning something he ingested earlier.

Damn goblin.

Hiccup rubs his belly, says ‘yoy’ a few more times, and lets out a painful squeaker.

“Wake up,” Ryuk tells him, his nose twitching as Hiccup’s stank reaches his nostrils.

“You can’t have my chalupa, Barry!” The goblin kicks awake, wild-eyed and ready to fight. He’s on his feet now, two tomahawks at the ready.

Ryuk glances away immediately, barely catching a glimpse of the goblin’s chalupa.

“Fick, Marbles! What happened to my clothes?” Hiccup tosses his tomahawks over his shoulder. One cuts into a table; the other skitters across the floor.

“I was going to ask you that,” Ryuk says hurriedly, his eyes shut tight.

“Well, if I fickin’ knew where they were, I wouldn’t ask you. Gee, Marbles, you sure can be a fickwit. Actually, come to think of it, I think I lost my clothes to Snake Eyes, you know, that ninja guy.”

“His name is Aiden.”

“Yeah, Brandon, whatever.”

“Aiden.”

“Stop interrupting me, Marbles. Fick, where was I?” Hiccup’s eyebrows narrowed. “That’s right, my clothes. Pretty sure I just lost my pants. Dunno who took my underoos and my top.”

Ryuk sighs. “Where are the others?”

“Back in Kayi with Elfy, Wolfy, Snowballs, and Conan.”

“And who is Barry? You were saying something about that when I woke you up.”

“Who’s Barry? Ha! There’s a question you won’t like the answer to, Marbles. Barry is an evil ass bumfick ink shadow who tried to steal my chalupa about a day or so before all this shit happened – and by ‘all this shit’ I mean all the shit you and Tammy caused. Long story long: two days before we set off on our little ficked up adventure, I technically lost my chalupa to an ink shadow. I then had to put together a ton of shit, including a parade, a massage, a Michelin star dinner and a stay at Jatla’s best hotel, to appease octopus squirt so I could keep said chalupa.”

“Jatla has a best hotel?” Ryuk cringes, his eyes still closed.

“Fick yeah it does. All dirty, greasy, filthy places have an expensive spot for the richkins to rub their elbows and dip their chalupas in the locals’ special sauce. I’m sure Japan has tons of places like that.”

“Okay. Will you put some fucking clothes on?”

“Jeez, Marbles, you act like you’ve never seen a chalupa before. Well, I guess it’s hard if yours is always tucked between your legs. Ha! Anyfickin’ hoo, that’s who I was screaming about, an ink shadow named Barry. And you can open your eyes now. I put on some clothes I had stashed in my list. I didn’t like this monkey suit before, but now I’m kind of digging it.”

Ryuk very carefully cracks an eye open to find Hiccup in the white potato sack he got from the Empress’ designers. A thought comes to him.

“Why are you looking at me like I got your sister pregnant?” Hiccup asks.

“What you were saying earlier about Barry the ink shadow...it was pretty grueling, right?”

“Fick yeah, it was grueling.”

Ryuk points a finger at him. “Could this be why you were sleeping when Tamana was abducted? A little too much excitement the night before?”

Hiccup burps. “Ha! You could say that. But fick, Marbles, if you want my fickin’ backstory, I’ll let you borrow my diary. And if you’re trying to blame me for the Shinigami kidnapping Tamana’s flat but fine Japanese ass, then point that finger somewhere else. That shit wasn’t my fault.”

Ryuk feels the urge to argue more but bites his tongue. It is useless to argue with a goblin, he reminds himself.

“Damn thing.” Hiccup holds up his mechanical arm. “It vibrates a bit while I sleep, which was why I was sleeping on my belly. But if I sleep on my side, it wakes me up. Can’t win with this damn contraption.”

“Then sleep on your other side.”

“You sleep on your other side! Sheesh, Marbles, your tone is uncalled for, and definitely safe space inducing. But I’ll discuss that with my fickin’ therapist later.” The goblin hawks a loogie on the floor. “Look, the maids here can clean that up. We need to get a move on, to Kayi. Get this horse and pony show on the road.”

Ryuk looks around at the grand room, from the elaborate furniture to the floor to ceiling windows overlooking the courtyard outside. “I was wondering why you were resting here.”

“Why wouldn’t I rest here? It’s warm, there are no elves, there’s absolutely no chance someone will stab me, and I mean, let’s be honest, Marbles, our guild is slowly filling up with immiNPC fickbags, commoners that haven’t been properly vetted, huckster-ass-fickboys, two lizards, and your poofty fruit ass. So I needed a little peace and quiet. Fickin’ sue me.”

“Let’s go, Hiccup.” Ryuk lifts his finger and a spawning point appears, the location of the rest of his guild appearing in gold letters.

“Wait, before we go to Kayi, let me at least fickin’ steal something!”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously. Who knows when we’ll be back. Fick, when in doubt, loot. Am I right? Look the other way if you’re scared the Knights will give a shit.”

The goblin waddles over to a cashmere throw blanket on the couch. He rubs the blanket against his cheek, considers its softness, and tosses it into his list.

“Come on, Hiccup, let’s go.”

“Fick, Marbles, never rush an artist mid-loot!”

(0)__(0)

“Hold up, everybody!” Black-eyed FeeTwix says to the mirror in his hand. “Ryuk has left the building. I mean, Ryuk has entered the building!”

Zaena, who sits on Enway’s couch, chuckles. She’s next to the high elf, and she still wears her sexy white dress from the DJ Ride the Lightning and Holo-Beatles concert. Oric is nowhere to be found, nor are Wolf and Yangu.

“What the twix are you going on about, Ficky? Fick! You know what I mean. I fickin’ hate your name. Sounds like a breakfast cereal. Actually, I like breakfast cereals, so I retract my previous statement: I like your name. ‘Sup, Twixy.”

The two bump fists.

“Wazzup! Sorry for leaving you back there, Hiccup. The place was …” The Swede clears his throat.

“Was what?”

“A bit odorous, goblin,” says Zaena.

“Well excuse me, Princess, but some of us eat well and have evidence of how well we eat.”

“How is stuffing your face full of dragon wings eating well?”

“I know this sounds a bit carnivorous, Liz, or should I say cannibalistic? But you get my fickin’ point: dragon wings are good eating, and you don’t need to be a fickered snowflake foodie to know that. Now, before I can be judged or shamed anymore, I’m out.”

Hiccup leaves, heading straight into what Ryuk assumes is Enway’s bedroom.

The entire guild’s stats appear and Ryuk quickly scans them, remembering where they all stand:

Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 19 Ballistics Mage

HP: 602/602

ATK: 118

MATK: 149

DEF: 89

MDF: 73

LUCK: 24

FeeTwix Fajer Level 21 Berserker Mystic

HP: 815/815

ATK: 170

MATK: 30

DEF: 88

MDF: 51

LUCK: 23

Hiccup Level 18 Shield Thief

HP: 888/888

ATK: 110

MATK: 17

DEF: 241

MDF: 113

LUCK: 38

Zaena Morozon Level 20 Brawler Assassin

HP: 786/786

ATK: 214

MATK: 9

DEF: 119

MDF: 44

LUCK: 24

Enway Zoltan Rosa Level 15 White Mage

HP: 411/435

MANA: 251/268

ATK: 63

MATK: 78

DEF: 55

MDF: 106

LUCK: 19

Oric Rune Level 58 Warrior Berserker

HP: 304/3104

ATK: 554

MATK: 11

DEF: 467

MDF: 389

LUCK: 31

Wolf Level 38

HP: 2296/2296

ATK: 679

MATK: 0

DEF: 521

MDF: 236

LUCK: 19

Enway laughs. “Hiccup is not going to like what he finds in there.”

“No, he won’t,” says FeeTwix. “Now, like I was telling you all, Krunkin’ Kronuts has a special this month. It’s winter time, and burrrrr is it cold! Warm your happy ass up – ha! – with a gingerbread mocha pumpkin spice latte with a maple drizzle, and Krunkin’ Kronuts winter exclusive St. Valentine’s Day Massacre Kronut with cherry blossom icing, white peppermint sprinkles and a red velvet molten chocolate core. Get you some! Mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout to get a thirty percent discount on the set. This promo is worldwide, people, so whether you’re in Seoul, South Korea or Stamford, Connecticut, you get the same discount. Okay, everyone, new contest coming soon. Review my feed for anything you’ve missed, and I’ll be back in a jiffy!”

“We need to talk,” Ryuk says as soon as FeeTwix’s eyes have gone blue.

“Why the fick is Oric in my bed?” Hiccup asks, stomping back into the room.

“He still isn’t well,” Enway tells him. “Plus, that’s not your bed. You can have my seat if you’d like.”

“And sit next to a princess? Don’t mind if I do!”

Enway stands and Hiccup plops down into her seat. “You’ve got yourself quite the warm ass there, Elfy. Wait a minute: that’s not sexual harassment, is it?”

Zaena shrugs.

“Fick me, you never can be too careful today. Now, where were we? Someone was saying something.”

“I was,” Ryuk tells the goblin. “And if you’d be quiet for a moment, I’d be able to finish what I’m saying.”

Hiccup chortles. “Damn, Marbles, say your piece. Don’t let Uncle Goblin stop you.”

“So, there’s been a further complication in Tokyo.”

Ryuk explains to the guild how Kodai’s humandroid assaulted his humandroid, how he intervened, and how he is now hiding out using a fake identity until Hajime is well again.

“So, the robots fought? Fick yeah, I’d pay to see me a good robot fight.”

“And you aren’t worried about your brother watching FeeTwix’s feed and seeing that you’re here?” Enway asks.

“I am worried about that, which is why we should move now. It’s almost morning, and if we’re going to go after the Runestones of Tritinakh, we should start up now. Maybe go up to the Sabors.”

“Where were the other two?” FeeTwix asks Ryuk.

“One location is unknown.”

“I can have my fans help me with that.”

Ryuk nods. “The other is at the easternmost part of the catacombs, under Waringtla, most likely.”

“Fick the catacombs and fick ink shadows. Also, did you just say your brother beat your ass again using a robot? Am I following this right? Marbles, you’ve got to get that dirty fickin’ brother of yours in check! If I were you, I’d leave a fickin’ IED on his doorstep. Problem solved.”

“I don’t want to kill him, Hiccup.”

“Why the fick not? If this were a goblin issue, it’d already be solved by now. Someone would be ‘sleeping with the fishes in the Endless Sea,’ if you get my drift.”

“Did you say Waringtla?” Oric, now on a crutch, stands in the hallway that leads to Enway’s bedroom.

“Glad you could fickin’ join us, Tarzan. How’s my bed?”

“It’s my bed,” Enway reminds him. “You’ve never slept in it.”

“That’s because you didn’t let me. Part of the paperwork you signed when you went through your extreme vetting process was about goblin bedding, FYI.”

“You’re kidding.”

Hiccup grins. “It was in Thulean.”

“Enough, Hiccup,” says FeeTwix. “Yes, Oric, we were talking about Waringtla. Know anything about the place?”

Oric coughs into his arm. “I have an old friend in Waringtla named Lothar who runs a bakery called the Occult Bakery and Athenaeum. He’ll definitely know more about the Runestones and their location. Plus, he has a book I’d like to give one of you.”

“I love reading,” Hiccup says, “as long as it involves a harem, is self-published, barely edited, and combines genres one wouldn’t normally think of combining, I’m fickin’ sold.”

“The book isn’t for you.” Oric turns to Enway. “It’s for you; I believe it would give you quite the leg up, and my friend, Lothar, should be able to explain some of it to you.”

“For me?” She smiles at Oric and Ryuk feels a pang of jealousy. “Thanks, Oric!”

“So back to what we were kind of discussing earlier,” FeeTwix says, his eyes still blue. “My feed was on when Ryuk arrived. If your brother–”

“–Kodai.”

Hiccup snorts. “What kind of poofty ass Japanese name is that? Isn’t sushi a Japanese word? I’d love me some fresh lamb sushi.”

Lamb sushi? Ryuk cringed at the thought. “Anyway, if Kodai is monitoring my feed, he’ll know we were here.”

“Which means we need to get on the closest airship out of here,” Enway says.

“I’ll stay,” says Oric, “even with my illness, those fuckers don’t stand a chance.”

“Well look who is all of a sudden the most confident member of the Mitherfickers,” Hiccup stage whispers to Ryuk. “He is a member, right? I’m losing track. If anything, we should let that ninja guy in.”

“Yes, Oric is a member, and no, Aiden can’t join us.”

“Remember when I called him Afternoon Delight?”

“No.”

“You’re really no fun, Marbles.” The goblin slowly stands, his hand on his lower back. “Listen up, Mitherfickers, someone has to take charge here, and that someone is me. Let’s go!”

With that the goblin marches to the door, swings it wide open, squeezes out a parting poot, and steps into the streets.

(0)__(x)

“Maybe we should just let him march down the street and right off a cliff. There is a cliff here, correct?” Zaena asks Enway.

“And another thing,” Hiccup says as he lets himself back into Enway’s antique shop. “Where the fick are Snowballs and Wolfballs?”

Oric points to the back door.

“Good, just checking. The wolf is coming with us, right?” he asks, making his way to the back door. “Not that I like him or anything, but...he’s useful. Cute too. Useful and cute. Kind of like me.”

“He should probably stay here and protect Oric,” FeeTwix says.

“You heard Conan over here, the big man can handle himself. I need a fickin’ ride. If we are going a long distance, I don’t plan to use these two bow-legged ficksticks to carry me the entire way. No sir. Too much walking.”

Hiccup opens the back door and shrieks as a donkey-sized wolf presses through, knocking the goblin on his back.

“Yoy!”

Wolf stands over Hiccup now, licking his face.

“That’s adorable!” Enway says to Zaena’s laughter.

“You have finally found a friend, goblin,” says the Thulean.

And before Hiccup can start up the curse train, a young dragon nearly Wolf’s size crashes through the back door, taking both Wolf and Hiccup out.

“Yooooy!”

“Yangu?” Ryuk gasps.

“I forget to tell you that part,” says FeeTwix as he places his arm around Ryuk’s shoulder. “Yangu is growing.”

“Get the fick off me!” Hiccup swats at Wolf until he lets him up. Once on his knees, Hiccup comes face to face with the icy blue snow dragon. “Holy shit, Snowballs, someone needs to put your fat ass on a fickin’ diet.”

Yangu pulls his neck back, the scales on the back of his forehead lifting. His cheeks puff out, and he blows a small cloud over Hiccup’s head, which rains snowflakes onto the goblin’s pink topknot.

Back on his feet, Hiccup scoots behind Ryuk, putting the Ballistics Mage between the snow dragon and him.

“You scared, Hiccup?” Ryuk asks.

“No, he’s not a fickin’ ghost! Just don’t want to get my hair all icy. I heard that’s a great way to kickstart male-goblin-pattern-baldness. I’ll keep my pink topknot, thank you very much. Fick, let’s get out of here.”

Again, the goblin exits. Yangu approaches Ryuk and drops on the floor before him, showing him his white-blue belly. The snow dragon’s tongue falls out of its mouth, and it coos as it looks up at Ryuk, to the collective ‘aw’s of Enway and Zaena.

“You know,” Oric says, once he’s sure that Hiccup won’t barge back in, “you could leave the goblin here, and I could get him wasted and ship him off to New Gotha.”

“Or back to Jatla,” Ryuk suggests.

“What are you talking about, guys?” the Swede asks. “Everyone loves Hiccup! His followers have even started a Wikipedia page for him. I think one of them is compiling Hiccup hijinks and quotes into a videobook.”

“I agree with Oric,” says Zaena. “He is useless, and his disappearance or death would be better for our guild all around.”

Wolf barks.

Oric glances down at his towering canine and frowns. “Really?”

“You two can communicate?” Enway asks.

“We’ve been together for six years now so yes, in a way.”

“Well, what did he say?” asks FeeTwix. “And next time you two talk, let me know so I can record it. People love dogs. Add a cute pup to anything and people will love it. Not as click-worthy as kittens, but shit, kittens are gold.”

“He indicated that he doesn’t dislike the goblin.”

Zaena stands. “Let’s settle this now, either Wolf goes or stays, but we definitely must go. Who has an airship schedule?”

“I do,” says Enway as she takes a slip of paper from her inventory list. “Ah, we can take the shuttle at the Hour of the Mana, not long from now. The ship doesn’t go straight to Waringtla; it stops outside the Jatla Forest before it turns south to Talini. That should work, though.”

“Good,” Ryuk says, turning to the door. “Let’s do this then.”

Wolf tears past Ryuk and hops over Yangu, who still lies on the ground with his belly up.

Oric laughs. “I guess he is going with you guys then. I’ll keep an eye on the snow dragon.” He coughs into his hand. “Yangu, correct?”

“Or Snowballs,” says FeeTwix as his eyes turn black. “I’m back, everyone! Did you miss me? I missed you, and you, and you, especially you, Kay. That’s a great gif, Bobby. Hiya, Todd! Hello, Don, Chi-raq, am I right? Jay, you my bae!”

“What the bloody fick is he going on about?” Hiccup asks as he reenters the space. “And for the love of fick, let’s go already.”

(x)__(x)

Just as Ryuk expected, their first battle happens just about the moment they touch down in a clearing outside the Attla Forest.

It was a quick trip, their speed bolstered by the fact that the airship didn’t have any further stops it needed to make along the way. Hiccup napped on Wolf most of the trip, so their shared cabin was relatively quiet, albeit aromatic at times. FeeTwix mostly spoke to his fans as Zaena lay in his lap. This left Enway and Ryuk to converse, which was mostly her asking him questions about Tokyo and him answering, and then wishing he’d answered in a better way.

“Fick you, spiders!” FeeTwix screams, his tactical vest on and an L85 under each arm. The bullpup assault rifles shred the approaching spiders, acid green ooze spritzing out of the their bodies with each hit they take.

-35 HP! -53 HP! -21 HP! - 38 HP! -72 HP!

The gun-crazed Swede finishes his mags and tosses his weapons aside.

A healing potion appears in his hand and he throws it back, finishing half of it before tossing the potion in the air to Hiccup, who catches it with one hand and back-swings his ax into the multi-eyed face of a spider that’s just dropped from a tree.

Instakill!

“Fick yeah!” Wolf zips in front of Hiccup and the goblin latches on, somehow managing to pull his weight up to a full-on ride.

A spider leaps for Hiccup and Wolf just as Ryuk fires a gravity marble at it.

-49 HP!

The gravity marble creates a clear bubble in the air that explodes, sending the spider backwards into a low-hanging branch.

-315 HP! Critical hit!

Using her ghost limbs to propel her forward, Zaena cuts through a cluster of spiders that have surrounded Enway. The Thulean flips and comes down, superhero landing on a spider’s body with her swords pointing downward.

Instakill!

“Fickin’ Thuleans always showing off. Watch this shit, Lizzy!” Hiccup drops close to Wolf’s ear. “Now, do it like I told you, boy.”

Wolf speeds up and skids to a halt, catapulting the goblin at a big motherfucking spider with fangs dripping with venom and a shit-ton of angry red eyes. Hiccup’s shield appears just in time for him to clobber the spider.

-63 HP!

He follows this up with a series of quick tomahawk attacks, severing most of the spider’s legs. The goblin jumps, and squashes the spider’s skull with his feet.

Instakill!

“Get you some, Marbles! Fick you, Liz!” he cries as Ryuk unloads a mag of sword marbles at six spiders dropping from the branches.

Insta-Insta-Instakill!

An arc of white light forms in the air over Enway and she floats a few feet above the ground, white mana coursing through her body. The magic spreads outward, covering the Mitherfickers.

Ryuk suddenly feels his stamina increasing, his will to fight strengthening, the muscles in his arms and legs increasing.

His Magic Slingshot out, he fires a direct shot at a spider crawling out of a mangled tree trunk.

Instakill!

Skill level up!

Skill: Gory Headshot

Level Two: Odds of Instakill increase with level.

Odds of Instakill: 59% if enemy is less than level 30; 32% if enemy is greater than level 30.

Caveat: Must be within five meters of opponent’s head.

Zaena tosses one of her throwing knives and it zips by, inches away from Ryuk’s face.

Instakill!

He doesn’t have to turn to see that she’s killed a spider on the trunk behind him.

“What happens if their venom gets on you again?” Enway asks, now at Ryuk’s side.

FeeTwix charges past with his double-bladed sword. He swings it left and right, cutting the limbs off spiders, and leaps back just in time to avoid an attack.

With a flourish, his blades separate from the hilt of his sword and take off. The drone-like blades twist in the air and descend upon the spiders, cutting through their bodies as FeeTwix goes for a sawed-off shotgun.

“If the venom gets on you, you are forced to log out for like a week or something. Careful.”

“Got it!”

A molten black marble mag in his gun, Ryuk explodes and melts one of the larger sources of the spiders, which just so happens to be a hole in the ground surrounded by discarded armor and webbing.

Clickety-boom!

“Now is the time, friends, to save at Wendy’s Huts worldwide!” the Swede cries as he takes out another spider. “Thought about trying a pizza burger with cheese-y crust and maple bacon on top? How about Dave’s single pie with Dave’s signature sauce–”

“Ha! I’ll give you some signature sauce, Twixy!” Hiccup cries as he rides by on wolfback. “Now quit selling, start fickin’ killing.”

Clickety-boom!

“As I was saying, Dave’s single pie with Dave’s signature sauce and a side of Frosty-filled fries? What about ALL OF THE ABOVE for the price of ONE OF THE ABOVE!?”

“Fick yeah, I love bogo!”

Enway looks at Ryuk and laughs. “Are you guys always this fun to fight with?”

A smile spreads across Ryuk’s face as he brains another spider. “Not always, but usually.”

“That’s right, for a limited time, mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout or in-store to get the biggest bogo you’ve ever got! Son of a ficklord! That spider almost got me. Fick you, spider!”

Clickety-boom!

“‘Fick’ is my word!” Hiccup says as he comes down hard on a spider, cutting off three of its legs.

Critical hit!

“Dirty filthy creatures.” Zaena spins with her blades, cutting through webbing like she’s Doctor Octopus.

“I love you too, Liz!” Hiccup and Wolf skid to a halt just in time to avoid a blast from Ryuk’s marble gun.

Insta-Instakill!

“Whew! Good work, Marbles, you just may grow a pair yet.”

.2. Fallen Angel

Tesla is light in Kodai’s arms, much lighter than he thought she’d be. Her eyes are closed, her mouth frozen open, her pupils dilated.

He stares down at her expressionless face and swallows hard. Yugio is with him, standing guard at the door. More hired goons are on the way; his mother arranged this without asking him. Mother knew as soon as Tesla went down.

“The motherfucker.” Kodai wipes the hair out of Tesla’s face as he holds her like she’s a fallen angel.

Yugio turns away from his boss, his hands behind his back.

“She can be fixed.” Kodai clears his throat and stands. “Yugio, clean this up. I can’t fucking look at it anymore. Check all surveillance footage regarding Ryuk and his exit. It was hasty. I can tell because he left his fucking rig here.”

“Yes, Kodai.”

“His stupid fucking rig…” As Kodai turns away from Tesla, he quickly fires off a message to Lorem Ipsum, the head of MercSecure Asia.

Kodai: I need a repair.

Lorem Ipsum: It’s late. If you are having trouble with Tesla, please contact our services department.

Kodai: It isn’t just trouble; she was hit by a Humgun.

Lorem Ispum: I see, and I can safely assume this was during some type of physical combat? I have to ask because of Japanese law. If it wasn’t because of physical combat, then you can send the humandroid through normal channels for repair.

Kodai: It was through physical combat.

Lorem Ipsum: In that case, I’ll have the service department handle this. Is it possible to have her body delivered to our repair facility near Shimokitazawa?

Kodai: It is.

Lorem Ipsum: Done. Here are the rest of the details you need to know. Good luck.

“It’s handled,” Kodai tells Yugio. “Please have Tesla brought down. Quickly too. I don’t expect a visit from the authorities, but I’d like to make certain that is not a possibility. Let’s move fast.”

(0)__(0)

Kodai and a small army of goons arrive at the MercSecure repair facility outside Shimokitazawa. A light snow blows flurries into the air and a crisp, familiar coldness meets his face as he stepped out of the vehicle.

He is greeted by an older American man in a parka, who does nothing to hide the assault rifle in his hands.

“Let’s move,” the man says instead of hello.

Kodai recognizes him from his rooftop breakfast with Lorem Ipsum.

“We’ve met before,” he says as they enter the facility and turn left into a featureless, gray hallway. A woman in MercSecure fatigues takes the man’s weapon from him, and he offers her a short nod.

“Walt,” the man says. “And it is nice to see you again, Kodai.”

Kodai looks over his shoulder. “Should my men…?”

“Your men have already been given their instructions.”

“And where are we going?”

“To a viewing room.” Walt, a grizzled mercenary if there ever was one, turns to Kodai and smiles briskly. “Wouldn’t you like to see how all this happened in the first place?”

“I would.”

“Then follow me.”

They take a left, a right, another left, and eventually arrive at a room with the number six on the door.

“After you,” Walt says as he opens the door.

The room overlooks a gurney and various medical tools, cables, monitors, and even a 3-D rendering machine.

An operating theater.

Kodai sits and a series of lights flick on in the operating theater. Two MercSecure engineers roll in Tesla’s body and transfer it to the main gurney. Using a large pair of scissors, they remove her clothing and begin hooking her up to a grouping of tubes.

A woman doctor enters, decked in seafoam green scrubs.

“Is this really that serious?” Kodai asks, no hint of sarcasm in his voice. He has no idea what goes into rebooting a humandroid.

“Precautions. MercSecure treats the recovery aspect of humandroids as they would any of their representatives. Protocol, really, but it is important to maintain the status quo, and it is equally important to bill the client accordingly.”

“Heh. I figured that much.”

“Ah, this should be interesting,” Walt says as the female doctor scans the side of Tesla’s neck with a small device that looks like a divining rod. The red light on Tesla’s nearly translucent skin turns green, indicating that the upload is complete.

“The encrypted recording from her iNet feed,” Walt explains.

“Good,” says Kodai, “let’s see what happened.”

The window in front of them blackens as Tesla’s video recording plays. The video shows her first-person struggle with Hajime, a struggle she is about to win when Ryuk gets involved.

“My younger brother?” Kodai shakes his head.

“With the humgun? Interesting.”

Kodai and Walt watch as Ryuk points the weapon at Tesla. Her feed suddenly fizzles out.

“So, it was him. I thought Hajime did it, assumed he had done it.”

Walt nods. “I would have thought that as well. Little known fact, I’ve actually fought Hajime, once, when we were on opposite sides of a conflict in eastern Ukraine.”

“You fought a humandroid?”

The blue eyed mercenary bites his lip. “I did, and I’m lucky I only lost one leg.” He knocks on his right thigh. “If it hadn’t been for my team, Hajime would have ended it.”

“And now you two work together?”

Walt grimaces. “We work for the same company, not together. But back to the video. I must admit, especially after seeing Hajime in action, it was almost like he wasn’t trying to fight back. As I’ve said, I’ve seen what that humandroid can do. Even with her power, the Hajime I know would have ended it.”

“Why would he let her overpower him like that?”

Walt shrugs. “Maybe he was toying with her.”

“Toying with her? She completely disabled him.”

“She did do that.” Walt considers this for a moment as the video plays back. “In that case, then, she got lucky.”

“How long until she is fully operational again?”

“Not today. It takes up to twenty-four hours for a complete reboot.”

“But she’ll be her old self again tomorrow?” Kodai asks, desperation in his voice.

“Yes, I believe so.”

.3. Bugbears are Assholes

Even though it is early morning, the foliage of the Attla Forest keeps the ground bathed in shadows. Walking ahead are FeeTwix and Zaena, followed by Hiccup on Wolf’s back and then Enway and Ryuk, who have been instructed to hang towards the back because of their classes.

It is good advice, actually, and even though he’s technically the leader, or at least everyone treats him like he is, Ryuk lets Zaena take the lead on this one.

If she has changed any since revealing she’s a princess, he really can’t tell.

The fact that she’s threatened to throttle Hiccup multiple times for mentioning the word ‘princess’ only reminds Ryuk of how powerful the word is to her, and how little she’d like others to acknowledge her background.

I get that, Ryuk thinks. He too would like to forget his background, his mother and his brother, the sick business that has made his family wealthy to the point that he’s never even considered the cost of things.

He acts as if he’s your average college dropout barely making ends meet, his motto remaining something along the lines of: I didn’t ask for this, all this came to me.

Sometimes, there is no other way to cope.

“Ever see that episode of Flight Feet in which they fight their way to Spider Skull Island? I love that one!” Enway smiles at Ryuk, the ends of her white skirt bouncing as she steps lightly from one rock to the next. “The queen spider is so freaky…”

“They always play that episode,” Ryuk says, recalling when he went to the Tokyo International Anime Fair with Tamana, and the fun they had there. A pang of sadness spreads through him: things were so much simpler at that time.

“Yeah, well if anyone is asking, I hate spiders too,” Hiccup says, having a one-sided conversation with Wolf. “You’re right, pal, I should fickin’ clarify my hatred before Princess Liz over there says I’m some sort of bigot. Racist, yes, Liz, maybe, but I’m no bigot. Spiders are ficked.”

Zaena stops, her fists clenched at her sides. “You are the very definition of bigot, Hiccup. I wouldn’t be surprised if your name really was Hiccupanaratabigot.” She laughs at her own joke. FeeTwix grins like Liz just dropped a dad joke, which only makes her laugh harder.

“Laugh it up, Liztard. We’ll see who is the bigot once I get to meet your family.”

“Meet my family?” she shakes her head. “I hope there is never such a day.”

“Don’t listen to her, Wolfy,” Hiccup says as he trots forward on wolfback. “Haters gonna hate, but you already knew that. All dogs know that. I mean, you fickers have cats to deal with. And fick cats, unless we’re speaking about kittens, because they’re cute as fick. Delicious too.”

“Gross,” Enway whispers.

The cantankerous goblin pauses for a moment as he tries to remember the point he was trying to make. “Where was I, Twixy?”

“Beats me, Hiccup. I tuned you out long ago, old pal.”

“Is that any way to speak to an elder? Don’t they have respect for distinguished members of society in Swedish culture? Okay then, um, Marbles, catch me up to speed,” Hiccup calls over his shoulder. “What the fick was I talking about?”

“I’m not your notepad, Hiccup.”

“Like fick you aren’t. You’re practically my legal assistant over there, and if you really want to know how to get a whiff of Enway’s lady choop, it starts with charity towards your elders.”

Enway shakes her head. “I’m offended and at the same time finally happy you learned to use the word chalupa correctly. Yes, Hiccup, I have a chalupa, or lady choop, as you call it. And you have a churro.”

Ryuk steps around a curious stump in their path. Thulean script is carved into the stump, and upon reading it, Hiccup announces that this was the very same path the Knights of Non Compos Mentis traversed over fifteen years ago.

“See kids, it is helpful to be able to read,” he says, matter-of-factly.

“We can all read, Hiccup. I’m assuming at least a few of us can read in multiple languages,” says FeeTwix. “I know I can.”

“Same here,” says Enway.

“I can read English,” Ryuk adds, “but maybe my speaking isn’t so good.”

“I’m sure it’s fine, pal,” FeeTwix says. “And we’re going to find out soon enough. I’ll be in Tokyo in a couple of hours. I’m already at the airport, awaiting my flight. I’ll be logged in the entire time aside from takeoff and landing. I’ll go on auto-level for those times. Can’t miss a beat!”

Propping up FeeTwix’s perfectly arranged blond hair is his Reaper skull, which is now latched to his forehead thanks to Enway’s handiwork back in Kayi.

“I too understand several languages,” Zaena adds. “Thulean, English, and ancient Thulean.”

“Fick me, I try to make a point and you three drill it into the ground. Come on, Wolfy, let’s ride ahead. If you feel the need to relieve yourself, now would be an appropriate time.”

Wolf comes to a halt, nearly bucking Hiccup off. He barks as his ears flick back.

“Keep your cool, Wolfy, there are no bitches in this forest. Ha! Finally, finally, I can use that word in its proper context.”

“Riptak jatla blanktakh boomboom morrha.”

“Fick me thrice and call me Dumbledick. How many times do I have to tell you, Liz? Calling me a ‘filthy goblin’ is a compliment in my neck of the woods. And my mother wasn’t a whore. Or at least I don’t think she was.”

Wolf barks again and starts backing up.

“Whoa! Keep your red rocket in its socket, Wolf, there’s nothing to get fickin’ worked up about!”

To prove his point, Hiccup hops down from the immiNPC canine and waddles out into the main path.

“See? Yooooooy!”

Hiccup’s shout disappears as the ground gives way beneath him. The rest of the Mitherfickers hear a sickening splat followed by Hiccup’s cursing as he hits the bottom of the hole.

“Yoy …yoy…fick me!”

“It’s a trap!” FeeTwix shouts, his eyes black as ever. “I know, guys, I know,” he tells his fans. “I’ll try again. ‘It’s a trap!’ Copyright DisNike. Better? Don’t want any lawsuits.” A Gatling gun with a hand crank forms in FeeTwix’s hand and he starts cranking it up. “Hang on, Hiccup! We’re going to clear the area!”

“Don’t fickin’ clear the area!” Hiccup shouts up from the bottom of the hole. “What’s the cranking sound? Fick! There could be ghosts in this hole. Ever heard of hole ghosts? Ha! I know a hole ghost joke about a brothel that burned down in the Red Lamp District, but that’s a joke for another day. Fick! What just touched me?”

“Thank me later,” Zaena says, clearly not happy to use her ghost limbs to lift the goblin out of the hole.

Enway turns left, a sphere of magic forming at her wrist. Ryuk keeps his eyes on their three o’clock, his Marble Gun aimed at the dark forest.

“Give me something to shoot at,” FeeTwix says, biting his lip as he keeps the muzzle of his steampunk gun aimed to the left. “Come on…”

Zaena drops Hiccup onto the ground and the goblin cushions his landing with a spicy concussive blast from his nethercheeks.

“Goblin!”

“Fick you, Liz. What did you expect when you lift my ass out of a hole and drop me on the ground? The air has to go somewhere.”

Enway’s nose scrunches up. “Ewww…”

“Sorry,” Ryuk says, suppressing the urge to bow on Hiccup’s behalf.

“Stop farting, Hiccup, and get your ass ready!” FeeTwix shouts, the partial Reaper skull over his face. “Bugbears. Nine o’clock!”

(0)__(0)

Three bugbears step out of the shadows, ugly fuckers with odd patches of hair on their loinclothed bodies and big, bloodshot eyes under bushy eyebrows. If Deliverance were set in a Proxima fantasy world, these three would be offered starring roles.

Shit, Ryuk thinks as the two level twenty bugbears brandish clubs made of Sabor Mammoth bone. The third, a level thirty bugbear, goes for a blade made of polished ivory nearly the size of a buster sword. Armor crafted from rib cages, skulls, and various dragon parts form on their bodies as the one with the sword steps forward.

“Fick! Bugbears,” Hiccup says, pushing to the front of the group. “Just follow my lead, Mitherfickers. While I don’t care to admit it too often, bugbears are actually distant cousins of goblins.”

“This better be good,” Zaena tells him.

“Fellas! I’m going to go ahead and guess it was you fickers who set the trap back there.” Hiccup nods at the three, impressed. “But a little sage advice from a goblin with a penchant for being right and a 154-year track record to back it up: if you are going to set a hole-in-the-ground trap, then put some fickin’ spikes down there. Shit. Look at your bone weapons. I’m guessing there are plenty more where those came from. All I’m saying here is to put a few of those fickers in the hole next time. I would have been skewered as fick, if you get my drift.”

Ryuk looks at Enway, anger furrowing his brow.

“Why is he giving them advice?” asks Enway.

“I don’t know, but this ends now.” Ryuk lifts his Marble Gun and fires four explosive marbles over Hiccup’s head.

-215 HP! -173 HP! -115 HP!

New skill learned!

Skill: Preemptive Strike

Level One: Distract your enemies, or have your guildmates distract them and receive a fifteen percent bonus on your attack.

Requirements: Level 18 Mage, LUCK > 20.

“Premature ejaculation, Marbles!” Hiccup shouts, jumping sideways to avoid any bits of bone from the bugbear’s armor.

Click, CLANK, click, CLANK, click, CLANK!

FeeTwix’s hand-crank Gatling gun makes its presence known.

His feed being broadcast to all his fans, FeeTwix laughs as he cranks the weapon and more bullets tear into the bugbears, two of whom dive left as the biggest and most badass bugbear takes the brunt of FeeTwix’s bullets.

Zaena goes to engage the first bugbear. He swipes his femur club at her, and she just barely manages to stop it with her blades.

Baring her teeth, Zaena’s ghost limbs fly over her, blades twisting in the air. The bugbear goes to block them, only to pause briefly as the swords go over him.

She comes up and over, crying out as she lands behind the creature and swipes her swords at his back.

-149 HP! Critical hit!

“Roarrrrrr!”

The bugbear stumbles forward; Zaena pulls her ghost limb blades from the ground and gets in a battle-ready position, one leg before the other.

Whooosh!

Her opponent is tossed forward by a white blast from Enway.

Zaena’s reaction is immediate. The Thulean warrior princess twists; the bugbear’s head goes flying, purple blood spraying out the other end.

Instakill!

The other bugbear with a clubbing bone tries to hit Hiccup, who scoots by on Wolf and barely dodges the blow.

“Fick you!” the goblin cries as he goes back around for another swipe.

With limited combat room, Wolf is hitting all sorts of stops and pivots to keep the bugbear at bay. Meanwhile, FeeTwix has a Terry Funk barbed wire wrapped baseball bat, which he uses to engage the largest bugbear.

It doesn’t make the greatest weapon, but FeeTwix, as always, is going for style over practicality.

The big bugbear swings his bone buster sword at the Swede.

FeeTwix steps out of the way just in time, and is about to bring his barbed baseball bat onto the back of the big fucker’s head, when the bugbear taps him in the chin with an elbow.

“Shit!” Ryuk aims his Marble Gun at the bugbear just as FeeTwix flies backwards, hits the ground, and tumbles.

-49 HP!

Without the boost from his preemptive strike, Ryuk’s black marble does considerably less damage than before. It does stop the bugbear’s advance, giving FeeTwix the time he needs to roll out of the way.

“Fick! Fick!” Hiccup shouts, running towards Ryuk.

Enway points, and Ryuk sees what has got the goblin so worked up.

The other bugbear has equipped a bag of bees and is in the process of letting them go on the battlefield.

(0)__(x)

“I’ve got this!” An industrial sized can of Raid flying insect killer materializes in FeeTwix’s hand. He takes aim at the oncoming swarm and lets them have it.

“Fick yeah, Twixy, give those fickers the money shot!”

He keeps laying down a thick stream of foam as he shouts, “That’s not what that’s called!”

Enway looks to Ryuk, who is tracking the biggest bugbear with his Marble Gun. The bugbear leader has taken a step back, still recovering from Ryuk’s last attack.

After the bees are handled, a poll appears before the trigger-happy Swede.

“Really guys? You went with the pinecone? And over an R. Moore signature pedo-pistol? It’s so small, antiquated, and pathetic! Roll tide, bitches! And what’s wrong with Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s 2x4? Fine, pinecone it is.”

The pinecone appears in FeeTwix’s hand, and Ryuk immediately sees that there is more to this pinecone than meets the eye.

“Konoshlo duka duchaka!” Zaena cartwheels over to the second bug bear and moves into a four-blade attack that comes coupled with a Thulean battle cry.

“Fick, Liz, save the orgasm for Twixy, ha!” Hiccup pats Wolf’s head. “Get ready, boy, we’re about do us some fickin’ killing.”

A message flashes on Ryuk’s vision pane.

FeeTwix: Okay, distract the big fucker and I’ll deliver the package.

Ryuk: The pinecone?

FeeTwix: Not just any pinecone, this is a pinecone IED from Unigaea! Enway gave it to me. Thanks, Enway.

Enway: No problem!

Ryuk: An IED?

FeeTwix: Improvised Explosive Device!

Hiccup: I don’t remember Elfy giving you shit. Why the fick didn’t I get a gift? It’s close to Valentine’s Day, right? Or has that already passed?

Enway: I’m having a churro made especially for you. It’s shaped like a heart.

Hiccup: Fick, Elfy, what part of no fake news on the chat screen do you fail to understand? Speaking of alternative facts: anyone ever thought about how it’s fickin’ odd that I, an NPC goblin, can communicate this way? I mean, sure, you guys are logged in, fick-faced commoners and whatnot, but no one ever says anything about how weird it is for NPCs to send messages on vision panes. Princess Velociraptor included.

Zaena: Stop talking, goblin, you’re distracting me!

Hiccup: Just saying, Lizzy. It’s like one of the Proxima developers didn’t really think this one through. Too much chalupa, probably. I’ll bet video game developers in your world get all the lady choop. Probably high-quality guys too, who are clearly not overweight and who practice good hygiene. Definitely not losers.

Ryuk: Shut up, Hiccup!

-184 HP!

“No!” Zaena cries as she’s struck in the gut by the second bugbear.

“Fick!” Hiccup launches into overdrive, concern splashed across his face. “I’ve got Liz, you three fickers kill that other ficker!” Twisting around a branch jutting out of the ground, Hiccup goes to Zaena’s rescue.

Wolf’s fast, fast enough that the hefty goblin reaches Zaena before the bugbear can hit her again. “If anyone is killing her, it’s me!” the goblin says as he launches off Wolf onto the bugbear.

“Yooooy!”

The monster easily tosses the gassy goblin off his shoulders and Hiccup flies into a tree, the sound of his snapping back barely muffled by the dense forest.

The bugbear leader looks at FeeTwix and then at Ryuk and Enway.

“Distraction, Ryuk!”

FeeTwix floats like a butterfly to sting like a bee as he goes from foot to foot, pinecone in hand as he sizes the biggest bugbear up. The fantasy monstrosity roars, spit flying from its mouth.

“Now!” A lighter in his left hand, the crazy ass Swede lights the end of the pinecone and backpedals for a moment as Ryuk lines up his shot.

Four shots later and the ground before the bugbear explodes into dust.

“Catch, mitherficker!” FeeTwix baseball-slides to the right of the bugbear, the pinecone making a perfect arc in the air.

The pinecone explodes in the bugbear’s hands, sending his arms flying and spritzing the air with blood.

“Fick yeah, Twixy,” Hiccup wheezes as the now armless bugbear stumbles away.

“Get behind me,” Ryuk says as the only bugbear with arms left stomps over to Enway.

Ryuk can see Zaena behind the creature, on the ground and holding her side.

FeeTwix is focused on the bugbear trying to get away, and Ryuk has no idea where Wolf ran off to.

“Get behind me, Enway!” he shouts.

A hand pushes Ryuk to the side and he turns just in time to see the high elf floating towards the bugbear, white magic radiating off her hands.

A glowing cloud of ivory white needles forms around Enway’s body. With a flick of both of her wrists, she fires the luminescent points at the bugbear.

They connect, and the bugbear pauses dead in his tracks.

“Fick you, you fickered fickbag!” Hiccup, seemingly out of nowhere, latches onto the bugbear’s legs.

He bites and claws the temporarily frozen bugbear, growling as he does so.

-8 HP! - 6 HP! -7 HP! -5 HP! -30 HP! -9 HP!

Enway’s freezing spell only lasts about twenty seconds, and as the bugbear regains movement, Wolf leaps up and grabs the monster’s jugular, his body mass causing the creature to stumble backwards over Hiccup.

Instakill!

Wolf snarls as he continues to rip into the bugbear’s throat.

“Say hello to my little friend!” the Swede bellows in an Italian accent.

VOOMSH!

Instakill!

FeeTwix cuts the armless bugbear down with a ball of green plasma.

He lowers his off-world weapon, drops to a knee and immediately goes for a healing potion. Once he’s taken a swig, the Swede hobbles over to Zaena, helps her up, and lets her finish the potion.

“Where’s my fickin’ cut?” Hiccup asks, finally out from under the now throatless bugbear.

“Here you go, Hiccup, a bacon-flavored Cherry Apollos with your name on it!” FeeTwix tosses the goblin a fresh healing potion.

“Bacon-flavored? Fick yeah!” Hiccup downs the bottle, burps, and tosses it over his shoulder, where it plinks off the dead bugbear’s skull. “Yom, everybody, I got a fickin’ level up!”

“Me too,” says FeeTwix. “Anyone else?”

“Same,” Enway says, slightly out of breath.

.4. Occult Bakery and Athenaeum

As the five Mitherfickers walk towards the giant city of Waringtla, Ryuk gets to hear more than he’d like to hear about bugbear history, anatomical differences, stool consistencies and how to spot droppings in the wild.

It is a long history, and for the most part he tunes the often-irreverent goblin out, focusing more on the journey that lies ahead and the occasional sidelong glance from Enway, who he can say with certainty has taken a liking to him.

“On the airplane right now,” FeeTwix says as they approach the Waringtla city gates. “I hope your ass is ready to meet me in person, because I’m definitely ready to meet you.”

“My ass is ready to meet anyone and everyone.” Hiccup laughs. “I’m a funny guy, Liz, believe me.”

Ryuk turns to FeeTwix to confirm his eyes are indeed blue.

“What? You thought I was going to give you away? Come on, what kind of brother from a different mother would I be if I gave my homeboy away?”

“Homeboy? What kind of fruity poofcake word is that, Twixy? In Jatla, a ‘homeboy’ is a younger goblin one percenters keep under the stairs. Whenever they go upstairs to their bedrooms or come down for the day, the homeboy cleans their feet using brushes made of, you guessed it, dragon scales. They also fick him. Well, some do. Not everyone, but some.”

“That sounds terrible, goblin.”

“Fick me, Liz, here I was just about to compliment your species on their nice skin and its practical uses – including, but not limited to: perineum polishing, underarm exfoliation, goblin BSD&M, souvenirs, and general flogging purposes – and you have to go and put the racist hat on. Next thing we know, you’ll be calling drows ‘darkies’ and elves ‘crackers.’ Anyone ever notice how elves are always white? Seems fishy, if you ask me, Liz.”

“Hush, goblin, your voice gives me a headache.”

“Hiccup,” FeeTwix says, stepping around the goblin. “Your fans want to say hi!” His eyes a soulless black, the Swede bends over so Hiccup can deliver a message to his fans.

“Out of my way, Twixy!”

“Oh, come on, don’t you want to say something to your fans?”

“Fick yeah, I do.” He bites his lip for a moment as he thinks. “Okay, here it is: look kiddos, for some reason, all thirty – was it thirty thousand?”

“Now it is sixty thousand!”

“All sixty thousand of you have somehow, in your sad little lives, found time to embrace a goblin who isn’t even real in your world. Fick. Can you believe that? But you know what, Uncle Goblin is here for you anyway, that is, if you happen to be sexy or sexy-ish, and can meet me in Waringtla tonight.”

“Hiccup!” Ryuk says.

“What? Marbles? Let me spell it out to you in words you can understand: Chalupa plus dry equals bad. I need to dampen it, if you get my drift.”

FeeTwix’s eyes flash blue. “Please, Hiccup, do not ask my fans to come sleep with you. It is a great power you wield over them and many would likely take you up on your offer.”

“Why the fick not? Why get all this power if I’m not going to get downright evil with it? They have diseases or something? Fick, at my age, any disease I get now will just be added to the stack.”

Enway pushes past Hiccup. “I’d rather not hear about your love life at the moment.”

“I’m a romantic at heart.”

She skips ahead and Ryuk jogs to catch up with her.

“He can be hard to deal with,” Ryuk says as soon as he reaches her. They now stand directly beneath a guard tower easily the height of an eight-story building.

“It’s fine,” she says, “just needed a breath of fresh air.”

“You were downwind?”

“I was.” She pinches her nose, a strand of her blonde hair falling into her face. “I’ll say this while we have some privacy: you and I should spend more time together someday.” Her face goes red. “Not like that! I mean, I just want to know more about you, and it’s hard in the guild setting, with so many different types of, um, members.”

“You down there!” The two look up to see a giant eye looking down on them. On second glance, Ryuk realizes it’s a giant looking at them through a mounted spyglass.

“Hi!” Enway says, waving at the giant.

“What brings you to these parts?” asks the giant.

“Who the fick is saying that?” Hiccup asks as he approaches. The goblin is short of breath, a bead of sweat trailing down the side of his head.

Ryuk considers this for a moment as his Extreme Focus skill kicks into gear. How did he work up a sweat riding Wolf?

“Hello, Mr. Giant!” FeeTwix calls up to the man.

“Enough formalities, what brings you to these parts?” the booming voice calls down.

“Do your thing, Liz.” Hiccup elbows in her direction, too lazy to actually move over to her.

“Ahem, I am Princess Renata of the Thulean Royal Family, and I request expedited entry into the city along with my traveling companions.”

“Fick yeah, Liz,” the goblin whispers. He wipes a fake tear away. “Fickin’ making your uncle proud over here.”

“You may enter!”

Hiccup trots through the city gates, still on wolfback. Ryuk glances up to the top of the tower and back to the entrance, wondering how they would have been prevented from entering in the first place.

(0)__(0)

The streets of Waringtla are divided into three lanes: the far-left lane for giants, the middle lane for commercial goods transport, and the far-right lane for normal-sized people. Shops line the streets, most with two entrances, one for giants and the other for everyone else.

“You fickers ever seen so much segregation? Giant door here, small person door there, ‘no small people allowed.’ Fick if this isn’t a repressive ass city, nothing like Jatla, which treats everyone equally.”

“Like shit?” Ryuk asks.

“Fick, Marbles, you get a little future booty confidence from Elfy over there and you get emboldened enough to talk back to your elders. Sad! Don’t make me open up a can of whoopass, kiddo. Believe you me, I may be relatively handsome, short in stature, a stable genius, with a full head of pink hair and a mechanical arm, but I’m no blowhard.”

“I think the word you mean is pushover,” says FeeTwix. “Blowhard is something else entirely.”

Zaena laughs. “Actually, blowhard defines you quite well.”

Offended, Hiccup lifts his nose in the air and tells Wolf to trot ahead. Ryuk watches them pass, admiring the wolf and his healthy coat of black hair and his blue-green eyes. Wolf hasn’t really warmed up to Ryuk, but then again, he hasn’t really tried to make friends.

This thought triggers an image of Yangu the dragon, and the fact that Ryuk has spent little time with his familiar. Maybe Hiccup was right, maybe I am an absent father.

The goblin places two booger-encrusted fingers in his mouth and whistles at a passing female goblin, who is a head taller than Hiccup.

“What the fick do you want?” the goblinita asks.

“Fick, lady, there’s a lot of things I want, starting with a nuru massage followed by a hot waxing, but that’s not the point. What the fick is a goblin doing in Waringtla?”

The lady goblin, who wears a push up bra which adds quite a bit of skin to her otherwise normal peasant’s dress, brushes a strand of hair from her face. “For your information, I’m in Waringtla to see Og Lemon. What the fick is a washed up old goblin with pink hair riding a fickin’ wolf doing here? That’s the real question.”

FeeTwix pauses, his mirror appearing in his hand. “Okay, everyone, we’re in a giant city, is it better if I say ‘city of giants?’ Speaking of giants, I want to tell you fickers – sorry, too much time around Hiccup – about a giant offer from CVSgreens! CVSgreens are longtime supporters of the feed, and hell, just about the best one-stop pharmaceutical company slash late night condom purchasing spot. You’ll love what they’re offering worldwide audiences! And really, what goes better with a bag of LoCal Non-GMO chili cheese Dorito-dusted Cheetos with molten cheddar cheese cores, than a high octane zero carb vitamin enhanced energy drink?”

“Ignore him,” Hiccup tells the female goblin, “and I’ll ignore your question about my pink hair and my traveling preference. Og Lemon is an old friend of mine.”

The way Hiccup says this makes Ryuk think that Og is not in fact an old friend.

“A friend, huh?” she asks, her mood lightening.

“Yeah, Og and I go way back, and that ficker owes me after what happened last time.”

“Well,” she says with a flirty thrust of her shoulder, “if you need someone to join you for dinner, you can find me at the $Hotel on Stater Street.”

“Yeah, I’ll have my people talk to your people,” Hiccup says, no longer paying attention to the gobliness. “Let’s go, Mitherfickers.”

Hiccup rides forward and the others eventually catch up.

“You had yourself a date there, goblin, I hope you don’t blow it.”

“Not now, Liz,” says Hiccup.

“Come on, she seemed genuinely interested.”

“Maybe, but she’s no better than one of Twixy’s bandwagon fickboys. Look, if I’m going to go on a date, I want the lady to like me. Otherwise, I’ll just pay for it. I don’t like being used. Speaking of which, Marbles, I have a little side quest for you and me.”

Ryuk places his hands on his hips. “Us? What’s the reward?”

“The reward? Pfft! The reward is getting to spend time with an elder, something I thought you Japanese appreciated. Look, the guy the goblinita was talking about, Og Lemon, the ficktard severely ficked me over. I almost lost my chalupa because of that fickered ficktwat. Remember the ink shadow I told you about? The one that I almost lost my chalupa to? Well, Og Lemon’s fickered ass is to blame there.”

“We are sort of busy right now,” Ryuk says, annoyed at the goblin.

“Too busy to get revenge?”

Enway says, “Let’s just meet the giant Oric wanted us to meet, then we can figure out our night from there.”

“Of course she wants to meet the giant, he’s got a gift for her. Come on, Wolf, you and I are out of here.”

Wolf stops, even though Hiccup drives his heels into his sides.

“The beast is more loyal than you are, goblin!” Zaena laughs.

“What the fick ever,” Hiccup says, giving up.

“Okay, according to my map, again provided by Jack S., Cartographer extraordinaire, the Occult Bakery and Athenaeum should be just a few blocks from here.” FeeTwix stops to admire a passing giant, who carries an uprooted tree at his side. “You know, I’ve never fought a giant. Quantum Hughes did, though.”

“I’ve told you my thoughts on that man,” Zaena says bitterly. “He cheated in a fight against my sister. Also, there’s something I haven’t told you about him.”

“Gee fick, you act like he porked you and things went poorly, Liz. Get over it.”

“Pork? What is this pork you speak of, goblin, and what does it have to do with Quantum Hughes?”

“Never mind, babe!” FeeTwix says, leading her away from the goblin. He looks at Hiccup when Zaena can’t see and gives him the ‘I’ll cut your throat’ hand gesture.

Ryuk laughs.

“Laugh it up, Marbles. Twixy knows better than to bring it to me. We may be besties and possibly the most useful members of this guild, but I’d kill that vain ficker in a heartbeat.”

“Let’s just get to the bakery,” says Ryuk. He glances at Enway as a light smile spreads across her face.

(0)__(x)

“It’s yuge,” Hiccup says once he spots the bakery.

His tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth, Wolf looks exhausted from carting the goblin’s fat ass around. He pants, tries to sit, but Hiccup tells him to keep on all fours.

“Give Wolf a break,” Enway says. “You can walk up those stairs.”

The stairs aren’t really stairs per se, they are three giant steps with a ramp that travels to the top for commoners. Hiccup grumbles about extreme vetting as he dismounts from Wolf. He stretches his arms over his head, yawns, burps, and begins walking up the ramp.

A passing giant looks down at the Mitherfickers and frowns at the pink-haired, mechanically armed goblin.

“Is he maddoggin’ me?” Hiccup asks Ryuk, who is a comfortable distance behind him so as not to be blasted if the goblin decides to exhume the dinner corpse.

“Did you say maddogging?”

“Keep with the lingo, Marbles, I’m a copesetic ficker who uses big words bigly. We clear?” The goblin eyes him for a moment, then with a big huff, he takes another step forward.

“He’s grumpy today,” Enway tells Ryuk once the goblin is out of hearing range.

“No, he’s Hiccup.”

The Occult Bakery and Athenaeum is located in a two-story building, and two stories by giant standards means that it is about the same height as a five to six story building for commoners.

There are dual entrances, one for commoners, the other for giants, and the exterior of the building has recently been upgraded, the walls now featuring a stucco lace texture.

As the Mitherfickers enter, they’re greeted by a bespeckled giant behind the counter. The giant has red hair and a chin covered with beard stubble. He wears a bright red apron over dark blue robes.

“Wolf?” he asks almost immediately.

Wolf barks himself into a frenzy upon seeing the giant.

He runs in a circle, his tail wagging, and as soon as the giant has stepped around the counter, Wolf comes tearing across the lobby to him.

“You must be Lothar,” FeeTwix says as he scans the giant with jet black eyes. “Oric sent us.”

“Ah, Oric! Which would explain Wolf,” the giant says, as he bends down to pet Wolf with his finger.

“Yes, it would,” Hiccup stage whispers to Ryuk. “Methinks the giant’s brain doesn’t match his size.”

“Ha! And a cranky goblin in the midst, huh? I assure you, goblin, my brain is adequate for my body size.”

“The name is Hiccup.”

“Short for Hiccupanaratapana, yes?”

“I thought someone said he was from fickin’ Unigaea. Didn’t Conan say that? I’m fickin’ hearing things.” Hiccup sticks his pinky in his ear, twists, and comes back with a bring orange glob of earwax, which he proceeds to flick at FeeTwix.

“Quiet, goblin,” the Thulean warrior princess says. “Lothar, it is a pleasure to meet you. My name is Zaena.”

“Another shortened name. You are of Thulean royalty, yes?” The giant finishes petting Wolf with his finger and gets back to his feet, his hands now at his sides.

Zaena runs her hands over the front of her armor. “I am. It is short for Zaechana.”

“Empress? Your name means empress?” Hiccup snorts.

“It means queen. ‘Empress’ is a southern interpretation of the word.”

“You are a princess who is named Queen,” Lothar says, stroking his beard. “Is this a Thulean joke?”

Zaena nods, the look on her face indecipherable. “I am the youngest of my family. The likelihood of me becoming the queen, like my older sister Renata, is close to zero. So, my parents named me ‘Zaechana’ or ‘Zaena’ for short.”

“Fick me,” Hiccup uses his clawed finger to scratch at a food stain on his mechanical hand. “That’s what’s called an absentee parent right there, kind of like how Marbles is to Snowballs, and kind of like how I was to Spew Gorge.”

“I thought Spew Gorge was your cousin?” FeeTwix asks.

“Yeah, and my son. Then again, he may not be. Beats the fick out of me. There isn’t a fickin’ way to do a paternity test in Jatla unless you have healthcare, and I don’t have healthcare.” He glares at Ryuk. “Which is another complaint I plan to register once my current complaints and grievances are all addressed.”

“No one said anything to me about healthcare,” Ryuk says, on the defensive.

“It’s called employee perks, Marbles, and like other employers in Jatla, you could at least provide a starfish scrub, a three-day weekend, or hell, a fickin’ ten-minute break after a long shift. But nope, you and Tammy are a ‘right to work’ kind of employer, so I don’t even get that. All I’m saying is healthcare is a basic goblin right, as is getting your chalupa regularly jerked, and the occasional three-day weekend. Fick.” Hiccup’s nostrils flare. “By the way, Big Guy, it smells yummy in here. Howzabout hooking some of Tarzan’s best pals up with some grub?”

“Tarzan?”

“The barbarian guy; the wolf’s owner.”

“You mean Oric.”

“Sure, call him that, but it sounds too much like orc and I’m not a fan of those fickers. Where the fick were we?”

“I’ll take over from here,” FeeTwix says, stepping around Hiccup. “Hello again, Lothar! Oric said you may have some details regarding the Runestones of Tritinakh. He also said you’d have book for us.”

“A book?” Lothar asks.

“That’s what he said.”

The giant looks at each of them and then turns back to the counter. Once he’s on the other side, he swings open the kitchen door and calls out, “Gadsaa, I’m taking guests to the library. Is that okay, dear?”

After he has received a response, he turns to a spiral staircase in the corner of the bakery and tells the Mitherfickers to follow him.

“Not another staircase,” Hiccup grumbles.

(x)__(x)

“So, a little background,” Lothar says as he sits on a large leather sofa chair set behind an enormous polar bear rug. With no place to sit, the Mitherfickers take a seat on the fur. Zaena remains standing, her arms crossed over her chest.

“No backstories, please,” Hiccup laments. His boots are already off, his funkified feet fouling up the air. Surprisingly, only Wolf tolerates the smell, which goes to show just how dumbly loyal dogs can be.

The others sit on the other side of the rug, as far from the funk as possible without triggering the goblin.

“It all began on a relatively warm winter day on a trip from the city of giants known as Tael to the city of scholars known as Solidus. The Red Plague was moving towards the southern lands of Unigaea, and I did not know at the time that Florin Talonas, governor of Stater, was working to take all of Unigaea.”

“Fick me, is this guy serious?” Hiccup asks Wolf. “Like anyone gives a bloody fick about Unigaea. I mean, Tritania is clearly better. We got orclins with quad-tits, if you get my drift, Wolfy, and judging by your size, I’m pretty sure you had your fair share of teat when you were a pup.”

“I met Oric and Wolf on that fateful day, and my world was forever changed!” Lothar laughs for a moment at his own joke. “It was Oric who sent me, and later Gadsaa, my future wife, to Tritania. And not a moment too soon. Unigaea was completely destroyed soon after that, and once I adjusted to Tritania, and undertook a few adventures, I opened this bakery with an upstairs library.”

Hiccup shifts his body so he can use Wolf as a headrest. His crusty feet now face the other Mitherfickers.

“I was a scholar in Unigaea. In Tritania, I’m a baker by choice, mind you, as I’ve been offered an emeritus position at the Polynian Technical Academy in Porthos. That said, my studies have opened up some very interesting discoveries in Tritania and its three floating continents. So, let's begin with the Runestones of Tritinakh. Are you aware what Tritinakh means?”

“Tritania,” Hiccup says, his eyes closed. “If these fickers can’t decipher that from context clues, they need to go back to Hyperborea. Let’s get to the fruit of this chalupa, Big Guy.”

“Very well.” Lothar removes his glasses and polishes the lenses. “Then I will cut to the chase: the first runestone is beneath Waringtla, in the catacombs that double as a sewer under the city.”

“Sewers? Looks like I need to get out the hazmat.” As if he has been planning it all along, FeeTwix snaps his fingers and a hazmat suit appears on his body.

“Too orange, Twixy,” Hiccup says, shielding his eyes. “Reminds me of my first girlfriend’s makeup.”

“Spew Gorge’s mom?” Ryuk calls over to him.

“Hey! Keep your jokes to yourself, Marbles, I’m in my fickin’ safe space here and you know what they say about throwing rocks in glass houses: it’s a perfectly good waste of rock! Fick me, now that’s a joke.” The goblin’s eyes flash and confusion forms on his face.

“We’re in Lothar’s library,” FeeTwix tells him quickly. “Lothar is Oric’s friend, Oric is Wolf’s owner.”

“I know who Wolfy’s owner is,” Hiccup grumbles. “And thanks for the updates. Who’s the elf? Oh, that’s right, the one who wasn’t vetted properly.”

Lothar takes a deep breath. “The first runestone should be easy for you to get. It’s guarded by an underground giant named Fafner. He’s a Unigaea outcast, a former friend of mine who was able to make his way to Tritania.”

“A friend of yours is guarding the first runestone?” Ryuk asks.

Lothar sighs. “That he is. Fafner used to run the museum of sorts in Tael. He was obsessed with Busty Gazongas, and was so offended by, well, Oric’s comments on her painting, that he kind of went off the deep end.”

“What did Oric say that offended him?” asks Ryuk.

“Something about her breasts.”

“Fick, did you say Busty Gazongas? As in, the Busty Gazongas?” Hiccup makes a hand gesture in front of his chest.

“Yes, Hiccup, the same one that giants in Tritania look up to.”

“I’d look up to those things too!”

“And this ex-friend of yours is guarding the runestone?” FeeTwix asks, his voice muffled by his hazmat suit.

“He believes it gives him power, and will do anything to defend it.”

“And does it actually give him power?” asks Enway.

“No, but like many things in many worlds, yours and the ones I’ve visited, the belief of power given has led to power had.”

Hiccup yawns, and turns to his other side.

“Once you’ve made it through the catacombs, you’ll come out near Bluwid, the predominantly goblin city on the easternmost coast of Polynya. This is good for you. The second runestone is there.”

Hiccup flips back over. “We’re going to Bluwid? I have family all over that shithole!”

The giant nods. “Last I heard, a goblin shaman has been using the runestone to cure various goblin ailments, such as Goblinheimer’s.”

“Cure Goblinheimer’s? Pfft, like that will work.” Hiccup squints up at Lothar. “Will it do anything for warts?”

“Baka!”

“Fick you, Marbles! I’ve got warts, okay? There, I’ve said it. Not big ones, and these are clearly sexually transmitted, so they can’t be dangerous, I mean, at least for chalupas, they aren’t. Female choops could be different. But what can you do, really?”

FeeTwix clears his throat and speaks, his voice still muffled. “And now would be as good a time as any to remind everyone watching my feed that G. Todd has created an app that filters in live time, people, anything filthy the goblin says!”

“The goblin has a fickin’ name!” Hiccup pounds his fist against the ground. Wolf looks up, huffs, and goes back to resting.

“That’s right, if you don’t want to hear about goblin chalupa warts, install G. Todd’s app now!”

Lothar chuckles. “I don’t know if this goblin shaman can cure warts, but before you take the runestone from her, you can definitely ask.”

“I just might,” Hiccup growls. “Now we got places to go, people to see, and I’ve got a little revenge to get.”

“Later, goblin.”

“Lizzy, I swear to the Empress’ fantastic fun bags, if you don’t stop it with the racism, I’ll … I’ll talk to HR.”

“HR?” The Thulean rolls her eyes.

“We don’t have HR in our guild, Hiccup. Please quit interrupting,” Ryuk says. “Who has a healing potion? If we give you a healing potion, will you shut up?”

“You can’t fickin’ bribe me, and yes, if you give me a healing potion, I’ll shut up. So gimme, gimme, gimme.”

FeeTwix equips a potion and tosses it over to the goblin, who examines it, mumbles about it being the store brand, twists the top off and throws it back. His stomach grumbles, he beats his chest with his mechanical fist, and he sighs bitterly as he tosses the bottle over his head.

“So, the first runestone is beneath Waringtla, the second in Bluwid, and the final runestone is in the Sabors. This one will be considerably more difficult to get. Come and see me before you go for that one, after you have acquired the first two.”

“Cool, so let’s go.” Hiccup stands and wipes his hands. “Wait. We’re good here, right? Isn’t there some other shit that was supposed to go down?”

“There’s one more thing,” Lothar says, his eyes dropping onto Enway. “The Book of Time.”

.5. The Poo Fighters

Lothar asks Ryuk to climb a ladder to a top shelf of his bookcase and bring down a small wooden box wrapped in black chains.

“You sure you don’t need any help up there?” FeeTwix asks. The Swede has removed the face mask of his hazmat suit but still wears the rest of his bright orange getup.

“I’ve got it.” Once he’s up there, Ryuk places the box under one arm, and with a quick look down, he begins his descent. The box isn’t heavy, but it is bulky, and about halfway down the ladder, he misses one of the rungs and falls to the floor.

-93 HP!

“Ryuk!” Enway cries.

“My word! Are you okay, Ryuk?” Lothar asks.

The wooden box still in his hands, Ryuk sits up, his face flaming with embarrassment. He gives the giant a very pathetic thumbs up.

“You okay?” Enway asks, now at his side. Zaena has also joined her.

“Fick me, Marbles, you fall like a goblin.” Hiccup cracks up. “Tell me you recorded that, Twixy. The Fickers will love it.”

FeeTwix points at his eyes. “I’ve gone blue. I know that Ryuk’s brother watches my feed.  Sure, he’ll eventually figure out whatever it is this book does, but like any good author knows: show don’t tell! Also, I’m pretty sure I mentioned we were in Waringtla. Or at least a giant city. I really need someone to filter my feed.”

“Here’s the box,” Ryuk says as he approaches the giant.

“Good, just hold onto it for a moment.” Lothar looks the Mitherfickers over. “I’m guessing by your character classes that only one of you is truly able to use this book.” His eyes land on Enway. “This book has done a lot of good, and it has also done a lot of bad. It’s best that it remain locked, but if Oric sent you to retrieve it, then I’ll readily relinquish it. Now.” He claps his hands together, startling Hiccup and Wolf.

“Fick!” The goblin leaps up, draws his toe knife, and twists around. “I thought, fick, I don’t know what I thought. Ghosts don’t clap. They’re depressed. No one who is depressed claps. I hate fickers that are depressed. Just take a look outside, am I right? Great big world, lots of lady choops or chalupas, if you’re into that. Some people are more desperate than others, uglier too.”

“Quiet, goblin.”

“Liz?” He looks to her and the Thulean returns his glare. As usual, Zaena is the first to look away.

“Um, yes, let’s move on,” says Lothar. “You can argue amongst yourselves later. The key is over there.”

Enway moves to get the key, but Zaena’s ghost limb beats her to it. The Thulean drops the key in her hands and ruffles the goblin’s pink top knot.

“Hands to your fickin’ self!”

“The key should be the only golden one on the ring,” Lothar says as soon as Zaena has handed the key ring to Enway.

“Found it.”

“You want me to, um, hold it while you open it?” asks Ryuk.

“Fick me to tears, Twixy, you hear that?”

FeeTwix winks at the goblin and nods.

“Holding it is fine,” Enway says softly as she sticks the key in its proper place and pops the top open.

“Let me see!” Hiccup nearly shoves Enway aside as he approaches the box. “Bring it down lower, Ryuk, not all of us are tall as a giraffe’s ass.”

Enway shakes her head. “Is that how you’d describe me?”

“It’s one way I’d describe you,” the goblin says as Ryuk lowers the box to reveal a leather-bound book with a closed eye on its cover.

“Fick, that’s spooky.”

“The Book of Time, yes?” asks Zaena, who stands on the other side of Enway now.

“It is a relic from Unigaea,” explains Lothar. “It is less powerful here, thankfully, and that’s a story for another day, but in Unigaea, it possibly the strongest weapon available – if used correctly, of course. Some of its more frightening abilities have been stripped from the book here in Tritania. The greatest wielder of the Book of Time in my lifetime was Sam Raid. There were others, but in her brief time with the book, she did more with it than anyone would have imagined.”

Enway reaches into the wooden box and takes the book out. “How do I use it?”

Lothar, who is hunched over the Mitherfickers intently watching the proceedings, takes another deep breath. “From what I recall, I believe it is the book that uses you.”

As her hand hovers over the closed eye on the book’s cover, the eye flickers open, squints, and rolls back, turning white.

A wisp of pink and yellow magic curls up Enway’s arms and forms two sharp needles that lift off her shoulders and point at her head like a cobra ready to strike.

“Fick!” Hiccup ducks for cover as the magic zips into Enway’s skull.

She stumbles backwards, only to be caught by Zaena’s ghost limbs. Once righted, Enway immediately sits to ground herself.

A red tear drop forms in the center of her forehead; her hair darkens, her skin turns a caramel color, and an hourglass necklace takes shape over her bosom.

Enway’s sclerae fill with red ink. Her eyes stay this way, no pupils present. The last thing to take shape is a wand. The receiving end is black, rotten, yet the handle is light brown, a fresh piece of wood.

She turns it over in her hands for a moment, admiring it.

“A fickin’ demon wench? Welp, I’m done. Wolfy, get over here. We’re going to the orchouse. Fick this.” Hiccup turns to Wolf, walks past the beast, and whistles for him once he reaches the non-people stairs.

After Wolf doesn’t come, and curiosity gets the best of the goblin, he waddles back over to the Mitherfickers and takes his place behind Ryuk. They’re all in front of Lothar now, who peers over their shoulders at the seated Enway.

“Look, fickers, once people’s eyes start going all Exorcist, I’m fickin’ out. Hear me? Out. I already told you guys, I don’t get paid for this,” Hiccup complains. “No fickin’ overtime, no healthcare, no complimentary chalupa relief, no 401K, no reduced summer hours, no nothing. And that’s not to mention the fact that none of the new members have been properly vetted. Very bad people, folks, real losers, and now we have a red-eyed demon.”

“My eyes are red? I wasn’t even focused on that, I was focused on the fact that I gained four levels from the transformation.” An ivory mirror materializes in Enway’s hand and she looks herself over. “My god. And this necklace...”

“Your god is right,” Hiccup says, nervous as ever. “Shit is fickin’ ficked up.”

“Four levels?” asks Ryuk, trying to change the subject away from her appearance. “Not bad at all from an artifact. Usually, only sponsored items have properties like that.”

“Will her eyes stay red?” FeeTwix asks. “Cause I have some pretty badass Ray-Bans you can wear if you don’t like the color.” The Swede equips a pair of Wayfarers and tosses them over to Enway, who tries them on and nods at her reflection in the mirror.

“Better.”

“You are concerned about style right now when you possess one of the most powerful books in the Proxima Galaxy?” Lothar asks, no hint of disappointment in his voice.

“I like your eyes better without glasses,” Zaena adds.

Enway shrugs and hands the sunglasses back to the Swede. “What about this necklace?”

“Ah, good question. When you cast a spell, the sand in the necklace will begin to fall to the other side. Once it has completely depleted itself, you can cast another spell.”

She begins flipping through the pages. “And this is the Unigaean language?”

“It is,” says Lothar.

“Why can I understand it?”

“Because you are now Tritania’s one and only Time Mage, or as it was known in Unigaea, an Hourglass Mage. To be an Hourglass Mage, one must have a basic understanding of the Unigaean language.”

Enway stops at the end of the book. “Why are the last few pages missing?”

“Because those spells aren’t necessary for a Time Mage to possess. I’ve had them removed, locked away.”

“There’s some very interesting stuff in here,” she says as she skims through another page.

“There is, and I hope it is useful to your guild and your cause. Now, Gadsaa is going to be angry if I don’t go downstairs and man the front. We will meet shortly, after you’ve recovered the first two runestones, and we can discuss more then.” The giant stands. “Until that time, I wish you all luck.”

“That’s it?” Hiccup asks as everyone starts to turn to the exit stairs. “No fickin’ pastries or anything? I need carbs, dammit!”

Lothar laughs. “Later, Hiccup, once you all return with the first two runestones.”

(0)__(0)

“So just hop in anywhere, huh?” FeeTwix asks, still in his hazmat suit. The Mitherfickers have gathered around a manhole not far from Lothar’s bakery. The sun is at its apex in the sky, and while it’s still a warm day, a cold breeze has blown in from the east. Wolf seems rejuvenated, and looks especially happy that the goblin decided not to ride him on their short walk over.

“There’s no way in fick I’m going in that shithole, and seriously, it is a shithole. All sewers are shitholes.”

“Jatla is a shithole,” Ryuk says.

“Watch your fickin’ mouth, Marbles!”

“Relax, Hiccup, there aren’t ghosts in the sewers,” says the Swede as he lowers the mask on his suit and seals it up. “We’re just going to work our way through to the easternmost point.”

“I know there aren’t any ghosts in the sewers, Twixy. I’m just opposed to bad smells. Also, anyone ever think it was funny how they call these things manholes? That’s not what I call a manhole! Ha!”

Zaena sighs. “I find it incredibly hard to believe that you don’t like bad smells, goblin, considering your company.”

“I agree, you four kiddos are some very stinky mitherfickers. Wolf’s breath smells bad, a little like aged fupa sweat kept in a bottle for a decade, but that’s something I don’t really have much of a problem with.”

“Aged fupa?” Ryuk asks. FeeTwix gives him the head shake that means ‘you don’t want to know.’

“I was referring to you, goblin, you keep your own company.”

“Makes no sense, Liz, sorry. I don’t speak dumbass.”

“Okay, everyone, enough bickering.” Enway smiles at the group. “Let’s get through the sewers as quickly as possible.”

“Now that’s something I can fickin’ agree with.”

Ryuk looks at Enway, still curious about her new avatar. She acts the same, but looks completely different with her dark hair, bronze skin, red eyes and red tear on her forehead.

“Say, you don’t have another hazmat suit, do you?” Hiccup calls down to FeeTwix once he has descended into the hole.

“Sorry, Hiccup!”

Ryuk goes in the manhole next, after a sidelong glance at Enway, who still has her Book of Time stuffed under her arm. She smiles, and he’s just about to smile back when Zaena sidles up next to him.

“Are you going to go into the sewers or are you going to smile at the Hourglass Mage?”

Ryuk nearly jumps out of his dream armor. “I’m going!”

Down the hole he goes, two rungs at a time until he lands in a long, dreadfully odorous tunnel. FeeTwix aims the headlamp on his hazmat suit at a giant piece of shit floating by.

“That’s a lot of shit,” he says, “and if you need to shit a lot, there’s no better time than right now to pick up a package of Super Strength Pumpkin Spice Ex-Lax, available exclusively at WalMacy’s and WalMacy’s online! You can’t get this flavor anywhere else, and if you’re tired of P. Spice, choose from a dozen other flavors including Tropickle, Birthday Cake, Red Banana, and Pepto Bismol. Do what Hiccup does every day – clear that bowel and let it all out!”

“I heard that!” the goblin shouts from the top.

“And remember, fan-migos, mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout and get, I shit you not, 35% off your first two packages! Stock up now, and be ready for anything! Terms and conditions apply. Please see WalMacy for details. Offer valid online and in all fifty states and territories excluding Afghanistan, Puerto Rico, American Korea, the Midway Islands, and the Green Zone. Not valid with any other offer or discount. The claims made by the WalMacy Bowel Clearance Department have not been evaluated by the United States Food and Drug Administration and are not approved to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. WalMacy’s is not liable for any information ad-libbed by the host of this ad, nor should you use this ad to diagnose any symptoms you may be experiencing. If symptoms persist, please consult a healthcare professional. Whew!”

“That was quite the disclaimer,” Enway says after she’s stepped off the last rung. Zaena is above her, and as usual, the Thulean uses her ghost limbs to quickly climb down the ladder.

“Yeah, some advertisers are more difficult than others…”

“How the fick are we going to get Wolf down?” Hiccup calls down the hole.

“Hmmm …” FeeTwix turns to Ryuk. “Any ideas?”

“Do you have a crane in your list?”

Enway laughs at Ryuk’s joke and he smiles.

“Ha! That’d be something. Any ideas, babe? I believe your limbs aren’t long enough.”

The Thulean shakes her head. “What about one of Ryuk’s gravity marbles.”

Ryuk unhooks his slingshot. “That may work, but what about Wolf? On second thought, that won’t work.”

“Git your ass down there!”

The Mitherfickers look up to see Hiccup trying to push Wolf into the hole.

“That won’t work, Hiccup,” the Swede calls up to him. “Okay, okay, I’ll handle this. Do you guys think I can lift him?”

“Who? Hiccup?” Ryuk shakes his head.

“The goblin is a fatass. I believe Wolf weighs more, but that is just because he is mostly muscle.”

“Good point, babe. Now I don’t want to go with my Steamsuit. A little overkill. I could go with my flying boots from Steam, but again, I’d have to carry both of them separately.”

“Git in that fickin’ hole, or I’m sending your ass back to Kayi!”

Wolf looks in the hole, barks, and with a nervous glance at the goblin, he places his front paws on the first rung.

“Not gonna work, Hiccup!” FeeTwix calls up.

“Like fick it won’t work. Wolfy, I’m fickin’ warning you, if you ever want to put your red rocket in another silo, you’d better git in that hole!”

Wolf barks.

“This is animal cruelty,” says Enway.

“Git! Git!”

Wolf takes another step down just as digital gravity kicks in.

“Shit!” Hiccup cries out as Wolf falls all the way to the bottom of the sewer, a good seven meters. “Is he okay?”

Enway races over to Wolf just as he stands. The big black canine shakes his head and falls back down again.

“I’m coming, Wolfy! Someone get that dog a potion!” Hiccup says as his fat ass clings to the rungs.

The goblin reaches the ground in record time. He rushes over to Wolf, drops to his side and snaps his mechanical fingers at FeeTwix. “Potion, now, the good stuff. A Hopkins’, dammit!”

FeeTwix tosses over the grenade-shaped bottle and Hiccup shoves it in Wolf’s mouth. Soon the dog is better, his tail thumping against the ground.

“Fick me, Wolfy, that wasn’t my idea. No one told me you couldn’t climb a ladder. Blame Marbles over there.” He turns Wolf’s head toward Ryuk. “That’s the ficker that told me to force you down.”

“Hiccup, stop fucking around!”

“Marbles,” the goblin says as he gets to his feet, “I know you’re trying to show off in front of your new lady friend who has recently become exotic with her dark hair and burnt butter skin, but really, kid, you don’t want it with me. I’ll fickin’ murder your poofty ass. Fick! What the fick was that?” Hiccup jumps back, his leap accompanied by a cloud of doom. He swiftly unsheathes his toe knife.

A giant mound of poo lifts from the stream of waste traveling through the sewer. The eyeless creature roars, filth and debris spraying out of its mouth.

“Fick! It’s a shit monster!”

(0)__(x)

Fecal Creature Level 7

HP: 192/192

ATK: 48

MATK: 0

DEF: 29

MDF: 38

LUCK: 2

Leaping into action, Ryuk goes for his slingshot and looses two sword marbles that pass straight through the center of the poo monster. The fecal terror cries out, brings a droopy arm back, and responds to Ryuk’s attack with a blistering stink attack of its own.

Ryuk’s dream armor barely blocks the hunks of partially digested bone that hit it.

The armor morphs as the Ballistics Mage dives left, only to be struck by the partially digested skull of a land dragon.

-59 HP!

Ryuk slams into a group of pipes. One of the pipes bursts open, covering him in urine and feces.

“Fick me, Marbles, that’s called a golden-brown shower where I’m from!”

Rather than fight, the goblin has dipped into one of the emergency drainage systems. He has a healing potion in his hand, sipping it as he watches the ensuing mayhem.

“Baka! Don’t just sit there!”

“Fick you and your ‘baka,’ Marbles. No one here even knows what that fickin’ means!” He puckers his lips and takes another small sip of the potion. “And don’t get your underoos in a wad; I’ll join the fight when I see an opening, just like Lizzy.”

Ryuk looks the other way to see Zaena standing on the sidelines. She pivots from foot to foot, waiting for her chance to strike as FeeTwix does his thing.

“Burn in hell, mitherficker!”

The Swede now holds a Model CR-24 Flame Rifle. With a pull of the trigger, a great ball of fire bursts from the weapon’s receiving end, only to backfire because of all the flammable gas in the air causing a minor explosion.

“Fick!” Hiccup shouts as FeeTwix is thrown into a side wall, his hazmat suit now on fire.

Like a stuntman in a movie about firefighters, FeeTwix stumbles around as flames rage off his suit, his hands waving in the air above him.

Ryuk quickly fires off a message to FeeTwix.

Ryuk: You okay?

FeeTwix: I’ll be okay. I’m wearing a flame retardant undersuit.

Hiccup: You looked like a retard batting your hands at the air while your body was on fire. Don’t cringe from across the way, Marbles, retard is only offensive to retards, and ficktards for that matter. Everyone else secretly uses the word, kind of like racial slurs.”

“Shut up, goblin!” Zaena’s battle cry is atypical for her, yet apropos.

Her swords spinning, and her nose held high likely due to the stink, the Thulean warrior princess uses her ghost limbs to fling herself at the towering feces foe, only to be swiped by the creature’s beefy, sewage enhanced hand.

-78 HP!

“Aye!”

The Thulean is tossed into the running stream of filth cutting through the sewer. Gasping for air after she comes up, Zaena quickly uses her ghost limbs to pull herself out of the stream of feces.

The monster roars and Wolf barks loudly in response.

The big black wolf stands as far away from the stream of waste cutting through the sewer as he possibly can.

“You will die for this,” Zaena says as she flicks a bit of bathroom matter off her brow.

Her wand at the ready, and sparking pink magic twisting around her arm, Enway fires off a blast of chromatic goodness, which fizzles away before it can reach the angry poo beast.

“You’re going to need to work on your magic there, Elfy,” Hiccup comments from the sidelines.

“Just watch,” the Hourglass Mage calls over her shoulder.

-103 HP!

Suddenly, her chromatic energy takes a shoulder off the shit monster.

“Fick!”

“Delayed Strike,” she says just about as coolly as Ryuk has ever heard someone say the name of their last attack.

Feeling emboldened, the Ballistics Mage steps up, Marble Gun at the ready. Ryuk fires three opaque marbles at their increasingly shitty foe.

The marbles connect, and the scheisse monster lifts into the air, slamming into the ceiling of the sewers and causing the entire tunnel to shake.

-151 HP! Critical hit!

Rather than fall back down, the crap creature stays stuck to the ceiling, hurling globs of after dinner goo down on the Mitherfickers.

Everyone who can dive, dives for cover.

Hiccup, still in his tunnel, finishes his potion and tosses it aside.

“I’ve got this,” he growls as he straightens up. While everyone is either ducking for cover and trying to avoid flying feces, or in Wolf’s case, barking maniacally, the most gaseous goblin this side of Athos equips one of his throwing tomahawks.

Even as shit flies all around him, he beats his chest for a moment, grumbling about potion-induced heartburn.

“Now where are you, you little ficker?” The goblin’s eyes trained on the energetic egesta, he pulls back his arm and overhand tosses his tomahawk into the center of the dung demon’s chest.

The ceiling-bound monster screeches as it falls to the ground, shit whirling in a tornado around its body.

Instakill!

One legendary explosion of odorous ordure later, and the Mitherfickers see a small fairy float into the air.

She spins, golden dust and any leftover residue flying off her body.

“Just as I thought,” Hiccup grumbles, “a fickin’ stinkerbell. It’s safe to come out, everyone. I’ve won the fight here.”

“Stinkerbell?” FeeTwix asks, his eyes quivering as he reads messages from his fans. “Ah! I see, they collect treasure in sewers and sometimes become possessed by shit. That can’t be right.”

“It’s right,” Hiccup says as he takes a few steps closer to the fairy. “These little fickers love going through butt truffles in search of rare stones and whatnot.”

“Are you the one that freed me?” the fairy asks, dropping down before the goblin so she’s now at eye level.

“That’s right,” he says, a mischievous grin on his face.

“Thanks!”

Hiccup plucks her out of the air, and before she can zip away, he tosses her in his mouth and swallows her whole.

“What the hell are you doing!?”

“Relax, Marbles, swallowing these things is great for digestion. It’s illegal in Jatla, but that’s because of the fairy lobby and the fairy union there. Fickers.”

“Did he just swallow that shit fairy?” Enway asks.

Zaena nods, disgust evident on her face.

“When you two are fickin’ done judging me, you can thank me for winning the fight for the Mitherfickers. How many times do I have to save everyone’s asses again? Gee, let me think. It’s been at least three times, and I’m a barely functional part of the team, aside from comic relief. It’s like a played-out trope, here comes Hiccup to save the day.”

“No one thinks you are funny,” Zaena reminds him while cleaning her dirty arm with one of FeeTwix’s rags and a canteen of water from her own list.

“Yeah? Says you.” Hiccup burps, slams his mechanical fist into his belly, and turns east. “If we run into any more of those fecal fickers, aim for the heart, that’s usually where the pixies are trapped.”

“Good to know, Hiccup!”

“You’re fickin’ welcome, Twixy.” The goblin burps. “Shit, she’s really putting up a fight in there.” He punches his stomach again. “Better. Now, are we going or what? Don’t you fickers worry about me eating faeries. If you need safe spaces, you can book one once we get in Bluwid. Fick.”

.6. Tamana’s Test

Kodai waits nervously for Tesla’s diagnosis. Walt, the older MercSecure mercenary who met him at their repair facility, assured Kodai that she’d be fine, but he still lets out a sigh of relief when he is told he can come see her.

It’s early morning now, and while Kodai was planning an assault on his rival Ginko’s estate, he doesn’t know if he still has it in him. And besides, if Tesla isn’t there…

But Walt assured me she’d be fine relatively quickly due to the advanced tech they have in this facility, he thinks as he’s led down another hallway into Tesla’s room.

She’s sitting up when he enters, a MercSecure scientist busying himself with the holoscreen tablet affixed to her gurney.

“Kodai,” Tesla says, a smile taking shape on her face. Her eyes flash black as she scans his vitals.

“Easy,” the scientist reminds her, “you’ve just booted up.”

“How are you?” Kodai asks, his hatred for Hajime and Ryuk growing as he reaches her side.

“I’m fine. Are we still on for later today?” she asks, cutting to the point.

“We discussed all that before,” he swallows hard, “before this happened. Now, I don’t know. Maybe we should wait a few days.”

The scientist, a thin man with glasses and a beard, looks at Kodai and frowns. “She needs to take it easy.”

“Thanks, Dr. Taylor,” Walt says. “We’ve got it from here.”

“You most certainly do not have it from here.”

Walt clears his throat and Dr. Taylor is out of there before the grizzled mercenary can say whatever he was planning to say.

“I can go in her place,” Walt offers Kodai. “Whatever it is you were planning to do, I’ve been instructed to act as Tesla until she can be adequately repaired.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Tesla says. “I am ready now to proceed with my mission.”

Kodai smiles at her. She has drive, I’ll give her that. Still, he knows that she probably needs at least a few more hours of rest.

He turns to Walt. “How about this? I have some things I need to do in a Proxima world, which I’m sure you at least know something about.”

He nods.

“Good, you can escort me home.” He turns back to the female humandroid. “Once you are ready and have been cleared, you can meet me at home. I can also pick you up here on my way to our next visit.”

“That would work better. At eleven?”

Kodai’s calendar pops up on his iNet screen. Messages from his men appear, as do a series of available times. “That will work. I’ll be back then.”

(0)__(0)

FeeTwix’s feed plays on his iNet screen as Kodai makes his way home in an aerosSUV. Walt sits up front, and a vehicle follows behind them, added security courtesy of MercSecure.

Kodai doesn’t always agree with America and their aggressive military habits, but over the last century, the country had created some of the best security companies the world has ever seen.

The American private security companies are light years ahead of Japanese and Korean ones, and just about the only country that gives them a run for their money is Great Britain, mostly because they have an agreement in which they hire from the same pool and are able to skip visa, regulatory, and other protocols.

Walt is a notable example of this.

Kodai assumes he is American, and he detects an American accent when he speaks Japanese, but regardless, the guy is a seasoned professional. He feels just as safe with Walt as he does with Tesla, which is saying something.

The fact that Walt is a cyborg only adds to Kodai’s confidence in his abilities.

From what Kodai can tell Walt has had his arm, both legs, and his eyes replaced, and those are just the most visible portions. The seasoned vet may be reaching a new problem for the modern day, war-ravaged soldier: just how much of his body is human and how much is otherwise, and if it is predominantly otherwise, does that still make him human?

The aeros lands and Kodai is shuffled inside.

Once he is in his penthouse apartment, he immediately goes over to his favorite chair and places his haptic gloves and NV Visor on. The Proxima login screen appears, and after a few moments trapped in the Empyrean, he stands in his avatar at the mouth of the Sabors.

Kodai Matsuzaki Level 15 Ballistics Mage

HP: 830/830

ATK: 213

MATK: 176

DEF: 98

MDF: 105

LUCK: 7

Tamana Nakamura Level 15 White Warrior

HP: 410/410

MANA: 389/389

ATK: 117

DEF: 134

MATK: 149

MDF: 108

LUCK: 6

Tomas Romero Level 51 Shield Warrior

HP: 2167/2167

ATK: 593

MATK: 10

DEF: 740

MDF: 555

LUCK: 21

Dark Mage Level 35

HP: 590/590

MANA: 315/325

ATK: 19

MATK: 137

DEF: 166

MDF: 283

LUCK: 22

Berserker Mage Level 38

HP: 843/843

MANA: 81/81

ATK: 146

MATK: 12

DEF: 251

MDF: 237

LUCK: 4

A wild wind whips around him, the air filled with snow flurries.

Kodai knows his brother’s infantile guild will be here at some point; he’s watched the Swede’s feed long enough to pick up on that, and even if he hadn’t, the Swede’s fans have already run polls and compiled video showing FeeTwix and company discussing this.

He almost starts to laugh at the Mitherfickers’ stupidity, but keeps a serious face as he checks out his guild members. There are the two mages provided by the serpent women. These two are NPCs and neither have ever spoken to Kodai.

Tomas wears his rare, Tagvornin armor which didn’t seem to help him in the fight against the Mitherfickers last time, and Tamana is in reflective armor made from the scales of their former dragon, Mirror.

Even though the NPC dragon flew off, the NPC mages were smart enough to take some of the scales from her belly while she was in captivity. According to the blacksmith who crafted this armor, it should cut damage taken down by thirty percent, something Kodai now wanted to test.

“Attack Tamana,” he instructs his guildmates. “Tamana, defend yourself.”

Wielding her ironing board of a sword, Tamana goes for one of the mages, who blasts her backwards with a huge fireball.

-95 HP!

“Fight back, Tamana!” Kodai growls at her. “Fight!”

Back on her feet, Tamana swings her sword at Tomas, who quickly parries her attack. A white flash and his legs are swept out from under him.

With the magic coming from her free hand, Tamana lifts Tomas by the feet as if she has him with a lasso. She tosses him into the armed mage, who, rather than try to help his guildmate, swipes him out of the air.

-211 HP! Critical hit!

“Tomas, you weak fuck!” screams Kodai.

As a huge hammer forms in the Berserker Mage’s hands, Kodai walks over to Tomas and unlatches his slingshot.

A knife marble in his hand, Kodai shoots a blade into the ground. His foot connects with Tomas’ chest and he reminds him to do better next time.

The Berserker Mage swings his hammer and connects with Tamana’s chest.

-102 HP!

“Ahhh!” she cries as she flies backwards.

She hits the ground hard and rolls back up onto her feet, kicking snow away in the process.

Her armor reflecting bits of light, Tamana spins towards the spellsword and meets his weapon head on. While he’s a much higher level than her, she holds her ground, and is just about to overpower him when another fiery blast from the other mage cuts her down.

-81 HP!

The armor is working, Kodai thinks as he makes his way over to Tamana.

As she gets to her feet, he kicks at the back of her knees, slamming her face first into the snow.

Kodai grabs the back of her hair and pulls her neck back, smiling as fear takes shape behind her eyes. He curls his other fist and punches her in the throat.

-250 HP! Critical hit!

Badly off now and coughing blood, Tamana tries to crawl away from Kodai.

“Fight me!” he screams at her, yet she refuses.

-34 HP!

A kick to her stomach sends her back to the ground. Kodai stomps on her back, drops to his knee and pulls her hair back again. “When I tell you to fight me,” he whispers in her ear, “I expect you to obey orders.”

He slams her face into the ground, tainting the white, powdery snow with her blood. A healing potion appears in his hand and he drops it on her head.

“Drink up, now.” Kodai turns to the others. “Once she’s healed, attack her again.”

.7. Bro Down

“This is the best idea we’ve had in weeks,” says Hiccup as all his clothes drop to the ground. The Mitherfickers are in Zaena’s Sotlian Pocket Spa, which they haven’t used since their battle against the cherry blossom ninjas in the Jatla Forest.

Rather than look at Hiccup’s blemished, naked ass, Ryuk pulls up their stats.

After two hours of battling various sewer creatures, including a couple more shit monsters and even a possessed bearadillo skeleton, the guild’s deets are looking up.

Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 22 Ballistics Mage

HP: 746/746

ATK: 135

MATK: 178

DEF: 104

MDF: 81

LUCK: 24

FeeTwix Fajer Level 24 Berserker Mystic

HP: 1052/1052

ATK: 187

MATK: 33

DEF: 102

MDF: 58

LUCK: 27

Hiccup Level 20 Shield Thief

HP: 1118/1118

ATK: 116

MATK: 17

DEF: 253

MDF: 122

LUCK: 38

Zaena Morozon Level 23 Brawler Assassin

HP: 915/915

ATK: 228

MATK: 10

DEF: 125

MDF: 47

LUCK: 24

Enway Zoltan Rosa Level 21 Hourglass Mage

HP: 732/732

MANA: 411/506

ATK: 71

MATK: 149

DEF: 64

MDF: 174

LUCK: 22

Wolf Level 39

HP: 2354/2354

ATK: 685

MATK: 0

DEF: 526

MDF: 240

LUCK: 19

Not bad, Ryuk thinks, he even managed to get some levels in a few of his skills, including his Cherry Poppin’ Daddy, Splash Back, Gory Headshot (courtesy of a Rat Thing), and One in a Million when he took out a sewer snake from a good fifty meters with his slingshot.

He still hasn’t used the skill given to him by Empress Thun, the Knights in White Satin skill, but he plans to test that out once they finally reach the giant guarding the runestone.

Another thing that has been interesting for Ryuk is watching Enway use some of her new spells.

Her Delayed Strike is especially helpful, as is her Youth spell. She actually turned a giant cockroach back into a baby, allowing Hiccup to easily squash it and, thankfully, not eat it. While she doesn’t have the healing capabilities of her former avatar, her Speed Heal spell definitely helps.

Even with her ability to still heal the guild, the Mitherfickers have taken quite a beating. If it weren’t for the three cases of top grade healing potions a fan named S. Reid sent over to FeeTwix, they would have had to take a break long ago.

“Am I the only one getting naked?” Hiccup asks, as he waddles into the spa.

“Shower first,” Zaena reminds him.

“What’s the fickin’ point of that when I can just sweat it out?”

“I’m serious, Hiccup, rinse off over there.”

The goblin turns to her, his ears twitching. “Slap me on the ass and call me fickered fickboy, did you just call me by my actual name?”

“Yes,” the Thulean says, a smile stretching across her face. Her orange slit eyes have even softened some, which is something Ryuk doesn’t see too often.

“Well, in that case, Liz, my liddle Thulean princess, I will do as you requested.” He turns to a shower and uses his mechanical hand to turn the hot water on. “Fick yeah, that’s the good stuff!”

“Wait, what? I don’t know why you guys want to watch Hiccup shower, but it is your feed, and your wish is my command. Those with filters on, you won’t be catching this exclusive content, but maybe you’re better off that way.” The Swede, his eyes blacker than a politician’s soul, turns to Hiccup.

“Hey!” Hiccup says, covering his man-tits. “You know, a smart goblin would charge for this kind of access. Hell, I could probably make a fickton of rupees if I washed myself in front of strangers. I’m robust, I get that, but it’s a goblin body type that is considered attractive.”

A hand on Ryuk’s shoulder startles him.

He spins around to find Enway in a one-piece bathing suit, her breasts much ampler than he was expecting them to be. This gets him wondering if they grew when she changed her avatar, or if they’ve always looked like this.

You’re worse than Hiccup, he thinks as his mouth stretches into a grin.

“So, you don’t mind my red eyes?” she asks.

Even though he wasn’t looking at her eyes, which he now feels incredibly ashamed for and would bow for if it didn’t give him away, Ryuk nods. “Yes, they’re fine.”

“Sunglasses in the spa, Elfy,” Hiccup calls over. “I can’t do the demon thing while I’m relaxing. Gives me the willies.”

“You’ll be fine, Hiccup,” says FeeTwix, who now wears a speedo with a big Swedish flag on his ass. “I got you a matching pair too, babe.”

He presents Zaena with a small box, which she opens to find a two-piece, Swedish themed bathing suit.

“Try it on,” he encourages her.

“Okay.” Her head held high, Zaena walks into an attached changing room and returns moments later, looking hot as a dragon woman can look in her two-piece, Swedish bathing suit.

“Someone’s been doing crunches,” Hiccup says as he moves from the shower into the spa. “And I’m talking about me, not you, Liz, and your washboard princess abs. Can anyone tell I’ve lost weight?”

Wolf barks.

“He can’t come into the spa,” Zaena says.

“And why the fick not? He’s part of the Mitherfickers now, a much bigger part than Marbles, I might add.”

“Because the heat isn’t good for him.”

“Don’t worry, Wolf.” FeeTwix steps over to one of the free showers and whistles for him to come over. Wolf barks and takes a few steps back. “I’m just going to bathe you, boy, nothing more.”

“You know,” Hiccup says, still naked as ever with his little chalupa dangling between his stubby legs. “I noticed that ficker was afraid of the sewer stream as well. Is that what it’s called? Fick, you know what I mean.”

“Maybe he’s afraid of water,” says the Swede.

“Duh, Twixy, that’s what I was trying to say.”

Enway drops next to Wolf and pats him on the head. “Let’s just get cleaned up,” she tells him, “you won’t have to swim or anything.”

He licks his lips and starts panting.

“What a fickin’ poofcake! Cats are supposed to be afraid of water, not mutts. Whatever,” Hiccup says, entering the sauna. “It’s time for a little me-time.”

With Ryuk’s help, Enway eventually coaxes Wolf over to the shower. The four Mitherfickers gather around, Zaena using her ghost limbs to hold him in place.

“I don’t know when you were last washed,” says FeeTwix, “but my fans are fickin’ loving this. LOVING this. Hello to all three million viewers! While you watch us bathe Wolf – and don’t worry, we’ll be gentle – I want to tell you about an exclusive offer from Time Warner Comcast T&T. These guys control everything, it’s no secret, and because they’re a good, trustworthy corporation that essentially runs a monopoly, they’re able to offer you the best prices of your lifetime!”

Zaena gives FeeTwix a funny look.

“Subscribe now to any one of their wonderful services and get twenty dollars, euros, pounds, yuan, yen, won, rubles, crypto – whatever you use – off your first twelve bills! Now remember, this is a three-year contract, so the second twelve bills will be double priced, and the final twelve, triple priced! But don’t focus on that, focus instead on the money you’ll be saving that first year. It’s like you’re getting it at a third of the price, and that’s before the twenty bones discount! It’s the deal of the century, if you ask me! So, hit up Time Warner Comcast T&T now and tell them #FeeTwixRox!”

“Sounds like a fickin’ rip off!” Hiccup shouts from inside the sauna. “Fick, Twixy, I know you’re getting more famous and shit and there’s more to shill, but don’t do your fans like I did Spew Gorge’s mom. What you just regurgitated right there is called a goblin bargain. Fick, where’s that other healing potion I had. Ah, there it is. Love that Cherry Apollos.”

Once Wolf is cleaned, the rest of the Mitherfickers head into the sauna to find that Hiccup’s parfum de merde is not a strong as it normally is. Sure, it’s there, but the humidity of the sauna and an expensive blue melon lotion Zaena has since rubbed on her body has somehow met the stank, not overpowered it in any sense of the word, but if Ryuk tilts his head away from Hiccup, he can almost not smell the now hot and sweaty goblin.

“I’m in Tokyo now,” FeeTwix says, his eyes blue again. “I thought I’d let you know. When are we meeting up?”

Ryuk runs his hand through his black hair. “Um, you were auto-leveling back there?”

“Only for about five minutes. I landed and already went through immigration, which was fast as fick.”

“Twixy, where I’m from, your constant over-usage of my favorite word is called cultural appropriation. Now, if only I could fickin’ trademark the word ‘fick,’ to make sure that I had control over the word and all of its subsequent usages. But it’s pretty difficult to trademark a commonly used word, even in a shithole like Jatla, especially if the word is one that everyone uses to describe something that everyone enjoys. Fick me, am I right?” A pair of reading glasses appear on the bridge of Hiccup’s nose, a copy of Wet Goblin Holes: Orclins Gone Wild in his hands.

“What? There are quality editorials in the Wild edition,” he reminds both Enway and Zaena, who now look at him skeptically.

“Anyway,” says the Swede, “immigration was quick, and I jumped back in once I got in my taxi. I do a lot of Proxima stuff through iNet, to be frank. Carting an NV Visor around is cumbersome.”

“Anyone here like cummerbunds?” the goblin asks as he turns his copy of Wet Goblin Holes vertical. “Those things never seem to fit me.”

“Most things that go around your waist don’t fit you, goblin.”

“And it’s Liz with the fickin’ fat shaming again. You know, not all of us can afford the high fiber, low fat diets of Thulean royalty.”

“Self-starvation would be a helpful diet for you, goblin.”

“Enough.” Ryuk clears his throat. “I should be able to meet soon, FeeTwix. I believe Hajime is close to being released from his repair facility. We have to be very careful about this.” He gulps. “My brother can’t technically hurt us in here, but he can up there, and he may not hurt me, but he wouldn’t be opposed to hurting someone I care about.”

“Welp, Elfy, looks like your boy is all about puckered starfishes and chalupa tucking. Back to the drawing board, am I right?  Maybe Tarzan is more your type.”

Enway frowns at the goblin.

“What?”

“Keep up the bullshit, Hiccup, and I’ll cast Temporal Decay on your steampunk arm.”

Everyone turns to Enway, who is normally happy-go-lucky.

Zaena is the first to laugh. “Ha! That is great. Yes, now you know how to interact with our lovely little goblin.”

“Don’t pinch my fickin’ cheek, Liz!”

Ryuk stands. “Join me outside real quick, FeeTwix. We keep getting interrupted in here.”

“Safe space!” Hiccup coughs into his hand as FeeTwix and Ryuk exit.

Wolf immediately joins them once they are in the changing portion of the spa. “You were saying?” FeeTwix drops his hand to the beast’s head and starts scratching behind his ears.

“So, we have to be really careful, which means, shit, I don’t know how we can do it, but we have to make sure he-who-shall-not-be-named doesn’t blurt out the fact that we’re together, which would be live on your feed, which my brother would then see.”

“Ah, I see. He-who-is-always-smelt must be tricked in some way. Easy.”

“Easy how?” Ryuk asks, watching as a mischievous smile forms on FeeTwix’s face.

“You’re overthinking this. The goblin doesn’t really even know what Tokyo is.”

“Well, he knows you were at the airport.”

“But does he? This is one of the times that we should fall back on his Goblinheimer’s.”

“So then, we just don’t talk about it anymore?”

The Swede nods. “Exactly, Ryuk. Easy peasy. If you need to tell me something about it, message me on a private channel.”

“Got it.”

“Now where should we meet up? I’d love to go to a cat cafe or a maid cafe. That would be crazy!”

Ryuk cringes as he thinks of the awkward maid cafes in Akihabara.

“You won’t like a maid cafe.”

“What’s not to like? Cute girls dressed in maid outfits, food, music – am I missing something here?”

“Cat cafes are quieter, but it might be helpful for us to be in a place where we can blend in better. Fine, a maid cafe. Have you received word from Sophia?”

The leader of the Knights of Non Compos Mentis should be interesting in person, Ryuk thought.

“Yes! Her flight was delayed, and she’ll be in later. So, you and I can meet in the real world, in Akihabara, and then we can easily get to Ueno, which is where she’ll stop on her way from Narita to the city. At least that’s where I’m staying.”

“You’re in Ueno now?”

“I am, near the station. Where are you?”

“Shinjuku. Okay, after we’re done here, Hajime and I will pick you up and we can go to Akihabara. Does that suit you?”

“It suits me just fine.” The Swede claps his arm around Ryuk’s shoulders. “Now let’s get back in there and enjoy the sauna. Nothing like some rest before a boss battle!”

(0)__(0)

The Mitherfickers respawn in a narrow tunnel, a far east shoot off of the main catacombs that, according to FeeTwix’s intel, is a shortcut to the end.

The Swede’s black eyes flash as he reads incoming messages from his fans. “I’m sorry, guys! Ryuk and I had some important stuff to talk about. You checked out the bonus content, right? That’s a clip from a particularly gruesome night in Dead City. Scary, right? Yeah, I didn’t see that last zombie coming either! Almost shit myself, in the real world and in the Proxima Galaxy.”

“A double shit,” Hiccup says. “Can’t say I’ve done that, but I have shit myself before. I think there is no better way to combat existential arguments than to shit one’s self.”

“Doesn’t even make sense,” Zaena mumbles, taking the lead.

The Mitherfickers are out of the sewers, the brick walls replaced by rock carved ages ago. Both Hiccup and Zaena have had trouble reading some of the Thulean down here. It’s an older dialect, and the script that is still legible has been hard to understand.

According to Hiccup, the vertical script carved into the rockface to their immediate left says that the easternmost exit lies in the chamber ahead, which is why they decided to hit up Zaena’s pocket sauna, all keenly aware that a good ol’ fashioned boss battle lies in their future.

“So, we go in guns a-blazing, right?” asks FeeTwix, who is in his normal overcoat and fingerless gloves but has also gone with Punisher-inspired body armor. To match it, he wears his half Reaper skull, affixed to the other side of his face by the leather strap Enway devised.

“Let’s do it,” Ryuk says, dropping to one knee.

He takes out backup magazines, pops a few of the marbles out, and loads up three of them with combo explosive and sword marbles. Knowing that he’ll likely need to use his Spitfire spell, he latches a leather wristband he owns with a pouch on it to his right wrist.

He hasn’t used it before, but he was thinking about it back in the sauna and figured it’d be perfect for accessing marbles quickly.

He holsters his Marble gun, fills his wristband pouch with warm, molten marbles, and takes a deep breath, hoping to activate his Extreme Focus skill at the drop of a hat.

Zaena practices drawing and sheathing her swords, flourishing each of them as she re-familiarizes herself with their weight.

Enway, her Book of Time in hand, uses a light provided by a drone FeeTwix has hovering over them to go over her available spells. The drone provides a cone of light for the Mitherfickers as it silently performs its role as an eye in the sky.

For his part, Hiccup equips two healing potions, finishes one, complains that it is the store brand, and tosses it over his shoulder as he takes a sip from the next one.

“We just healed up,” Ryuk reminds him.

“Marbles, first of all, fick you and the high horse you rode in on. Second, it’s called topping off the tank. Third, fick me and the wolf I’m about to ride in on. Wolfy,” Hiccup places his hand on Wolf’s neck, “be a goblin’s best friend and let me get on top.”

Wolf obliges, dropping to his belly so the goblin can climb on.

“You’re a good dog, I’ll give you that. A poofty snowfruit because of your fear of water, but we all got things that scare us, so I fickin’ get that.” An ax appears in his left hand, a dinner platter-sized shield in his mechanical hand. “Now git!”

The goblin on wolfback takes off towards the next corridor, the Mitherfickers doing their best to keep up.

They move into a smaller room, barely high enough for Zaena to stand upright.

From there, the catacomb opens up into a large space similar to the worship room the Mitherfickers discovered last time they were in the catacombs, back when they were making their way to Porthos via Katiyana.

Only this time, all the statues have been decapitated and tossed aside, the walls now covered in repeat paintings of a giant nude woman stomping a village, milk spraying from her exposed breasts. The painting has been replicated in several different sizes and styles, from floor to ceiling to small, Dali-esque designs.

A giant man squats in the center of the large prayer room, his kibbles and bits out as he glares at the Mitherfickers. Tangles of hair cover his face and his skin is covered in brown smudges and scars.

Fafner Level 25

HP: 1459/1459

ATK: 192

MATK: 0

DEF: 155

MDF: 141

LUCK: 8

“Who’s doing the talking here?” Hiccup whispers.

“I’ve got this,” Ryuk says, stepping forward.

“Like fick you do. Fine, I’ll do it. Okay you big dirty ficker,” the goblin says, looking up at the squatting giant, “we’ve got places to go and people to see. If you’ll kindly point us to the runestone, we’ll get our fickin’ asses out of your hair.”

The giant growls.

“Hiccup!”

“Quiet, Marbles, let the adults talk. You’re Fafner, right? Is that what Lothar said your name would be? How the fick did I remember that? Twixy, I’m getting better!”

The goblin turns to FeeTwix and gives him the thumbs up with his shielded hand. FeeTwix nods, impressed.

“Lothar sent you?” Fafner asks in an angry, scratchy voice.

“Fick yeah, he sent us. Now seriously, I’m impressed, your chalupa is bigger than mine, but if you’d kindly get the fick out of our way, we’ll be on our merry way. Nice art? Did I say that? I’m a big Busty Gazongas fan, believe you me.”

“Quiet, goblin,” Zaena hisses.

“What do you know about Busty?” the giant says, getting to his feet. He’s a good five meters tall, his head only about a meter away from the rounded top of the worship room.

Ryuk steps up. “Let us pass, or we will be forced to fight you.”

Hiccup chortles. “Fick, Marbles, you’ve got to work on your tough guy act if you ever hope to stick a hand up Elfy’s lustrous robe.”

Fafner hunches over, his form clearly affected by the years he’s spent underground.

“You sure about this, big guy?” FeeTwix says, his bowie knife mutant hack materializing in his hand. The weapon begins to bubble upwards, pulsing and writhing as it forms an enormous blaster.

“You DARE threaten me?” Fafner screams.

-359 HP! Critical hit!

The blistering blast from FeeTwix’s mutant hack tears Fafner’s leg clean off.

What’s left of the giant’s leg flies into the wall, splattering the Busty Gazongas paintings with blood, and shaking the room.

Fafner crashes to the ground, hits hard, and screeches in anger as he throws a fist in FeeTwix’s direction. Still coming down from the spread of his mutant hack, the Swede meets the giant’s hit full on and slams into a wall, killing him instantly.

Instakill!

“Oh my god, they killed Twixy! You bastard!”

“No!” Ryuk fires swords and explosives at the giant.

-56 HP! -62 HP! -41 HP! - 49 HP!

The explosions don’t do anything, and the swords, even though they are insignificant compared to his size, now jut out of his sinewy shoulders.

One Thulean war cry later and Zaena is charging at the grounded giant, blades spinning all around her. She boosts herself up with one of her konoshlo and meets the giant with a wall of blades.

“You won’t beat me!” the giant bellows. Grounded but still able to use one of his hands, Lothar backhands Zaena into the same wall that killed FeeTwix.

-526 HP! Critical hit!

Winded, the Thulean warrior princess falls onto FeeTwix’s dead body and rolls right, just in time to miss Lothar’s crashing fist.

The ground rumbles; debris falls from the top of the worship room adding a layer of dust to the air.

A pink blast of magic cuts through the dust; Fafner screams and starts beating his fist against the side of his head.

“Make it stop! Make it stop!” the giant screams.

“What the fick was that?” Hiccup calls over to Enway.

“Arcane Tide!”

“Whatever the fick it was, fick yeah! We’re up, Wolfy, let’s tag team that big mitherficker, and no, Marbles, I don’t mean we’re running train on the giant. You’re sick in the fickin’ head!” he cries as the wolfbound goblin moves in for his attack.

“Don’t mind him.” Ryuk looks at Enway and she shrugs.

“I never do,” she says, her wand at the ready. Ryuk catches a glimpse of her hourglass necklace, the sand now cascading to the other side so she can cast another chromatic spell.

Wolf leaps towards the giant and grabs hold of one of his nostrils. He and Hiccup swing right as Fafner roars, giving the goblin the opening he needs to stab his ax into the giant’s right eye.

-115 HP!

Wolf lets go of Fafner’s nostril; he and Hiccup fall a good two and a half meters. Wolf lands like a cat, even with the top-heavy goblin on his back.

“You see that shit, Marbles? I got that ficker in the eye! We call that one an instant eye cream in Jatla!”

“Damn you!” Fafner swipes his free hand towards Hiccup’s voice.

-420 HP! Critical hit!

“Yooooy!” Hiccup and Wolf flip sideways. They hit the ground, roll, and eventually Wolf lands on top of the goblin. “Yoy,” the goblin mutters, a healing potion appearing in his hand. Wolf tries to get to his feet but falls sideways. “Fickered ficktard giant fick-faced kiddy fickin’ salad tosser!”

He throws back the healing potion, burps, and tosses the potion over his shoulder.

“Cover me, Marbles!”

Ryuk looks skeptically from the goblin to Zaena, who is still trying to get her second wind. Fafner isn’t looking too good himself, his eye a bloody mess and his leg blasted off at the knee.

The giant is trying to stabilize himself with one hand and fight with the other, and while Ryuk could probably end it by firing all he has directly at the giant’s face – that or laying down cover for Hiccup – he decides instead to go with the spell granted to him by the Empress.

Only she never told him how to cast it.

Ryuk raises a finger in the air, takes a breath in, and shouts, “Knights in White Satin!”

“The fick you just say?” Hiccup glares at the Ballistics Mage. “Have you lost your fickin’ marbles, you emo-twated ficktard? What part of ‘lay down cover’ do you fail to understand, soldier!?”

“Um,” Ryuk looks to Enway, who has no idea what he is going on about. “I, um, I call on the Knights!”

“What in the actual fick is wrong with you, son?” Hiccup throws his hands up in the air. “Fick, he’s truly lost it, Twixy. That’s fine, I’m okay with that. Just saying: I’m not going to take care of him or visit the poor liddle ficker when he’s in the crazy home, but at least I can know, from afar, that he’s in the right place.” The goblin shakes his head. “Elfy, your man has lost it, which means you’re up. Lay down some fickin’ cover!”

“Dammit, Hiccup, shut up!” Ryuk bites his lip, steels himself, and points at the giant. “Knights attack!”

Clouds of white smoke add to the dust already in the air.

A squad of the Empress’ White Knights pixelate into existence, each with a pike aimed at the giant. They’re in ivory plate armor with the requisite white satin capes, the edges of the capes embroidered with golden threads.

Their leader lifts his broadsword and the squad attacks, each coming in from a different angle.

Once they have Fafner the giant skewered, it doesn’t take them long to finish the job.

Instakill!

Fafner falls, and as soon as he does, the leader knight takes a knee before Ryuk.

“Thank you!” Ryuk says, bowing. “Thank you very much.”

The knight nods and disappears, the others following suit.

(0)__(x)

“Not too bad, kid,” the goblin says as soon as the knights are gone. “I take back what I said about committing you to a crazy home.”

“Really?”

“Ha! If you could only see your face right now, Marbles. Of course I don’t take back what I said! Don’t start yelling crazy shit again, or I’ll have you committed. We clear? You could have messaged us and told us what you were fickin’ doing.”

“It was a good attack,” Zaena says as she hobbles over to FeeTwix. She drops to his side just as he wakes up.

“That was fickin’ glorious, Ryuk,” FeeTwix says, his voice scratchy as he goes for a potion.

“‘Fick’ is not your word to appropriate, Twixy,” the goblin reminds the Swede. He is next to Wolf now, trying to coax a healing potion into his mouth. “What kind of stupid fickin’ mutt doesn’t like healing potions? Can you fickers believe this shit? Also, I’d check the giant for loot, but he’s naked, and I’m not sticking my hand up in a giant’s bunghole, especially this one. Ryuk, on the other hand...”

“I’m not looting his corpse, Hiccup, especially in that way.”

“What the fick ever. Judge me. Go on. Fick, Wolfy, drink the potion!”

Wolf sneezes and pushes Hiccup away with his maw.

“That was a great spell,” Enway says as she approaches Ryuk. “The Empress gave it to you, right? Those were her knights.”

“She did, but it can only be used once a day. I just wanted to test it, actually.”

“It was killer,” says FeeTwix as his wounds heal up. “My fans are going crazy for your performance.”

“You were still filming?”

“Of course I was. I fell in a way that would allow my fans to catch the rest of the action.” He points at his black eyes. “Clever, huh?”

“Twixy, you’re dumber than this weretiger I once knew named Simba. Look, Wolf, if you aren’t going to drink the potion, I will.” To prove his point, Hiccup takes a long sip from the generic potion. “See? That isn’t so bad, is it?” He examines the bottle. “Shop ‘n Save, huh? That sounds like a store brand. Not too shabby, though. Kind of a grape flavor. I like grape.”

Hiccup finishes Wolf’s potion and tosses it over his shoulder. He’s the first to enter the next corridor, and once he’s there, Ryuk hears him cry out in anger.

“That’s it?”

“Let me see!” FeeTwix races forward, Zaena not too far behind him.

In the center of the adjoining room is a small pedestal with a rectangular stone sitting on top of it. About fifteen centimeters tall, the thin, black stone is polished to the point that it is reflective.

“That looks like, you know what, there are kids around, I’m not going to say what it fickin’ looks like. Hint – chalupa. An oddly shaped, drow chalupa. Heard those fickers were hung as fick. Real talk, Twixy.”

“Can we touch it?” Enway asks. She stands at the back of the group, her red eyes shining in the brightly lit cavern.

The Polynian surface is near, evident in the undergrowth jutting from rocks on the ground, the light, and a fresh breeze whistling into the space, carrying with it a grassy smell.

“Rather than answer Elfie’s question with a dirty joke, I’d like to point out that it would have been much fickin’ easier to just spawn outside the catacomb entrance – I’m sure you have the deets on the location, Twixy – and send just one of us down here to get the stone and completely avoid the giant. Again, real talk.”

“We went through the catacombs to level up too,” Ryuk reminds him. “We need to be at level thirty-five to get to Ultima Thule.”

“Am I the only one that has no idea why we need to go to that cold fickhole? It’s warm down south, lots more racism down south too, which you guys know, I’m combating against.”

“Sure you are, Hiccup, sure you are.” A yellow latex glove appears on the Swede’s hand, followed by the rest of his hazmat suit. “Just in case it is toxic,” he says, once the mask has formed over his face.

The Swede grabs the runestone, looks it over, and just as he’s about to put it in his list, Enway steps up with an off-world device that looks like a steampunk-themed divination wand.

“Let me run this over it,” she says.

“By all means.”

“And before anyone asks: I collect rare artifacts. This is something I picked up in the Bawa Outpost.”

“The Bawa Outpost?” Hiccup shakes his head. “Only losers and sandfickers hang out there.”

“Rare artifacts hang out there as well.” She scans the wand over the black stone and shrugs.

“Well?” Ryuk asks.

“Nothing. I don’t think it is enchanted, at least not currently. We should be able to touch it.”

The runestone lifts into the air seemingly of its own volition.

“Damn, Liz, you’re going to get us all killed, you know that?”

Zaena drops the stone on his head and he shrieks. “My hair!” Oblivious to the fact that the stone is still falling, Hiccup pats his head down, making damn sure that his pink topknot is still in place.

Of course, Zaena catches the stone just in time.

“Fick!” Hiccup continues to pat at his head. “Marbles, look me square in the eye and tell me that there’s no marks on my head. We’re going to Bluwid. There are lady goblins there. I just gotsta look good, feel me?”

“You’ll be fine,” Ryuk says, as Zaena drops the runestone in his hand.

There is nothing special about it at first touch. It isn’t warm, it doesn’t glow, and there is no indication it is anything but a rock.

“How come he gets to hold on to it?”

“Because he’s our leader, goblin.”

Ryuk starts to smile at Zaena, but returns his focus to the runestone instead. It is definitely interesting, he thinks as he looks it over. He inventories the runestone and looks to FeeTwix.

“You ready?” he asks as the Swede’s eyes flash blue.

“Sure am. Let’s meet up in Tokyo. Our avatars will still be here walking to Bluwid with you all, but Ryuk and I are about to bro down in the Land of the Rising Sun!”

“Come on, Wolfy,” Hiccup says as he mounts up. “Keep clear of poofters and anyone who uses the phrase ‘bro down.’ Fick me.”

.8. The Maid Cafe in Akihabara

Ryuk logs out and takes a deep breath in through his nostrils. His iNet screen comes alive and he pretty much ignores it, tired of the constant barrage of updates and notifications. He removes his borrowed NV Visor – his is still in his duffle bag – and makes sure not to catch his arm or leg on any cords in his small, Proxima capsule bunk.

A message from Hajime blinks on his iNet screen, and he reads it as he gets down from the bed.

Hajime: I am in the lobby.

Ryuk: You should have sent me a message earlier. I would have logged out.

Hajime: I’ve just arrived. Perfect timing, I suppose. It gave me time to think of a good Oblique Quote.

Ryuk stretches his arms over his head and looks at the row of Proxima capsules across from him. The room is by no means large, but it does have enough space to fit fifteen capsules, three to a wall and six on the lengthiest wall of the room.

Other players are in the bunks, logged into their chosen worlds. A holoscreen next to the bunk indicates playtime and somnium skipbox usage. This is for legalities, but most gamers know that the skipbox monitors are rigged and never actually meet their supposed time cut offs.

Ryuk: Do you mind if I take a quick shower? We will be meeting my friend FeeTwix at a maid cafe in Akihabara in about thirty minutes.

Hajime: A maid cafe? That is a very public space.

Ryuk: Hidden in plain sight, that’s what we were going for.

Hajime: I see. Let me do some research regarding cafes with the best exit points. I will make the decision on the cafe based on how it easy it would be to escape.

Ryuk: Sounds good.

A foreigner walks by, a thirty-something with pale skin and long, brown hair. He belches, excuses himself, and climbs into the nearest bunk without making eye contact with Ryuk.

Once he’s in the hallway, Ryuk turns left into the male shower rooms.

Each shower is private, but the changing area is shared, and as he enters, he catches a glimpse of a stocky Japanese guy who almost reminds him of Hiccup.

This thought bothers him in two ways: One, he doesn’t like the fact that he’s just checked out some guy’s chalupa by accident; two, the damn goblin has somehow worked his way into Ryuk’s psyche enough that people are starting to remind him of Hiccup.

“Damn goblin,” he says, a grin spreading on his face as he removes his clothing. While he secretly has started to find Hiccup amusing – well, at least some of the time – he doesn’t like it when he teases him about Enway.

I wonder what she looks like in real life, he thinks after he’s removed his clothes. Maybe she looks a bit like her avatar after she became an Hourglass Mage.

Ryuk slips into a pair of 3-D printed sandals dispensed by a machine in the corner. From there, he hops into the shower, turns the water on, and immediately sits on the stool in the middle of the shower, letting the water sluice over him.

A quick glance around for soap and he finds the dispenser.

The smell is a bit weird, some type of fruity melon with a hint of mint, but at least he’s clean and it feels good for his muscles to have hot water on them, especially after being logged in for so long.

While he lets the water run over his head, he checks a few of the feeds he follows on GoogleFace, including the Tritania leaderboard. He’s never been one to take part in the leaderboard competitions, preferring to stick with the classic guild-building and leveling strategy.

“The Mitherfickers,” he whispers.

It is a stupid name, but such a motley crew could hardly be named anything else. Where it goes from here, especially after they’ve gotten the runestones and figured out a way to free Tamana…

Ryuk swallows this thought down.

He hasn’t been very verbal about it, but it has been at the back of his mind and he knows that Tamana, the Tamana he knew, would never have betrayed them.

It was Kodai, he thinks, his fists tightening. Kodai or the serpent woman, that’s why Tamana is the way she is now.

“And if we stop them,” he whispers to himself, “then she will be freed.”

And then what? a voice at the back of his mind asks.

Ryuk doesn’t know the answer to this question, and to further complicate matters, he has no idea how Tamana will be received by his guildmates once she’s back on their team. Hiccup and Zaena will never trust her again. FeeTwix would, as would Oric and Enway.

Enway.

His thoughts skip to Enway and her transformation. Red-eyed with a big crimson tear on her forehead, Enway looks nothing like she looked when they first met, back when she was trying to loot someone in Aramis.

And this new power of hers? Why did Lothar take some of her spells away? How powerful could an Hourglass Mage truly be?

Ryuk recalls the couple of times he has used his wild card marble to freeze time. He hasn’t been able to replicate this spell in a while, but then again, he’s been using his gun more and more.

Funny that. Just like anyone anywhere at any time in the history of humankind, given the choice of a gun over slingshot, Ryuk has chosen the gun.

Maybe I should load a mag with clear marbles, he thinks.

His teammates might not like it, but his luck has increased some since he started out, and with his level, he’s gotten better control over his avatar.

The steaming water goes cold, indicating to Ryuk that his shower is over. He towels off, puts his clothes back on, and once he’s given himself a hard look in the mirror, he pops his black hood up to conceal his face a little.

“A maid cafe it is,” he tells himself in the mirror.

(0)__(0)

Ryuk gets the urge to hug Hajime but he suppresses it. He bows instead, a long graceful bow that shows just how much respect he has for the humandroid. Hajime returns the bow, both of them now in the lobby of the Proxima capsule hotel.

The clerk, a humandroid female with a perfectly formed face and dimples, smiles at the two and looks away. She is a far cry from the older gamer manning the front desk last night, and as Hajime and Ryuk step out into the streets, she calls goodbye to them in a high-pitched voice.

The Uberyota waits for them curbside. It is a black affair, with suicide doors and polished chrome accents.

“Riding in style, huh?” Ryuk asks.

“Only the best when we are secretly siphoning money from your family’s accounts.”

“We are?”

The door opens and Ryuk gets in, followed by Hajime.

“Yes, but the way I have it set up, it won’t be noticeable for some time. We’ve spoken before of what I’m capable of, and what humandroids in general are able to do. I want our current transactions to blend in with other transactions normally accrued by higher-ups in your family’s organization. Here is one way we accrue it.”

After they are reminded to place their safety belts on, the Uberyota lifts into the air, settling into its appropriate airlane. Advertisements flash on the inside of the front windshield, hawking everything from in-country vacation destinations, such as a trip to Kobe, to Sumi Haigou Settuken charcoal bar soap.

Ryuk settles into his seat, and as he does, Hajime hands him a pair of sunglasses and a black surgical mask.

While it would be odd for Ryuk to walk around in any other country in the world in a surgical mask, aside from polluted-ass China, it is something that is perfectly common in Tokyo. Take a slice of any busy subway station in Tokyo and the odds that half the people surveyed are wearing the mask is high.

“You think the glasses are too much?” Ryuk asks, the surgical mask now on his face.

“They’re just for when we go from the aeros to the maid cafe. You can take them off once we arrive.” Hajime takes a deep breath. “Now, we need to discuss your Oblique Quote. I do not have a card to write it on today, so I chose something simple, something you’d easily remember.”

“Sure.”

“Listen to the quiet voice.”

“The quiet voice?”

“Yes, that voice at the back of your head hidden behind all of your thoughts. Listen to this voice.”

“That’s easy.”

Hajime chuckles. “It may not be as easy as you think.”

The two are quiet for a moment as their Uberyota races across the expansive city. Aeros moving both horizontally and vertically add a sense of wonder to the cityscape. Neo-Tokyo a city of the future built on the ashes of the past.

Buildings cluttering the airspace add a touch of grandeur to the city, mystery too, as every building has the shadow it casts, and every shadow has its secret.

Snow flurries whip around the aeros as it passes over the subway station and nears the outer rim of Akihabara, the anime and tech hub of the famous city.

Five story tall holoscreens are attached to the sides of many of the buildings, flashing video game and anime advertisements. Kawaii teen girls pose on a few of the advertisements, winking at passing aeros. Ryuk knows better than to focus on them, lest he be bombarded with iNet popup adds.

It’s a lot to take in, and every time he comes to Akihabara, he gets the urge to hit up some of the arcades or peruse some of the electronic parts shops for the latest Proxima rig mods. Everything from custom visors to more illicit items, such as ones that create artificially heightened sensations for those engaging in Proxima dreamworld sex, are on offer in this famous ward.

Anything can be modified, improved, tricked out; Akihabara is proof of that.

This part of the city is famous for the maid cafes, an odd Japanese invention that pairs restaurant and entertainment with fetishism. The dozens of maid cafes in Akihabara cater to a variety of crowds. Those who want anime-themed and anime-anatomically enhanced waitresses rub elbows with those who simply are looking to spend time with young girls.

The girls employed by maid cafe are most certainly under the age of eighteen. The traditional cafe – if it can be referred to as such – features six teenage bombshells dressed in maid outfits. Fishnet stockings, push up bras, a ruffled dress, different colored wigs (pigtails a must), white gloves, contact lenses to make their pupils look larger: there are many variations of maid outfit, but they all fit the same theme.

The oddity of it all, at least for a westerner, is the fact that there is no sexual exchange nor is there a hint of this exchange in maid cafes. The girls that work there are hired to be cute, not to offer sexual services.

Which, in a way, aligns them more with geishas, famous for their ability to converse and entertain, rather than with sex workers, such as the women Kodai employs.

As my family employs, Ryuk reminds himself as the aeros sets down before a maid cafe. Hajime steps out first to scan the perimeter. Once it is clear, he sticks his hand in and motions Ryuk forward.

“Remember,” he says, “sunglasses.”

Feeling like some sort of celebrity, Ryuk steps into the streets of Akihabara. The sidewalk is wet from the light snowfall, the breaths of the people passing visible in the air. The smell of cooking meat immediately reaches his nose. He naturally turns to the left to see a man with a small alleyway yakitori stand.

“We’ll order inside,” says Hajime, his hand now on Ryuk’s arm.

“Got it.”

They approach the first maid cafe and are greeted by a teenage girl in a light blue maid outfit and six-inch heels, her hair in a ponytail. She’s added just about as much blush as humanly possible to her cheeks, but other than that, her skin is milky white, clearly the results of an intense cosmetic session.

“Welcome!” she says in just about the highest pitched voice she can. “Irrashaimase!”

She bows deeply, hops back to her heels and smiles at Ryuk in a flirty way.

“Yes, um, we’re meeting someone,” he says. “A foreigner.”

“Hai! Follow me!”

She swivels and marches into the maid cafe. As she passes the front door hostess, she’s handed a set of menus.

A swift glance around and Ryuk sees there are five other maids working, one of whom is preparing to sing a song onstage. Sitting near the stage is who can only be FeeTwix, who stands out even more as he’s the only foreigner in the room.

“Ryuk?” he asks, his voice pretty much the same as it is in Tritania.

FeeTwix has brown hair in real life, shaved on the sides but longer on top and combed over. He wears black rimmed glasses and his face actually resembles that of his avatar. If it weren’t for the hair, his height, and the fact that real life FeeTwix is about five to ten kilos heavier than Proxima FeeTwix, they’d look almost like identical twins.

“Um, hi,” Ryuk says, suddenly ashamed of his English. He knows it is accented, and he can’t speak as well as his brother, but for words he doesn’t understand, he has an app running on his iNet screen translating in real time.

The app runs now, the words FeeTwix says appearing in scrolling Japanese characters, almost as if he were taking part in a movie. Possible responses also appear, written in katakana so he can pronounce them correctly.

“I am sorry, my English is no, ahem, not so good.”

“It’s fine, Ryuk! And where’s my hug? What’s this bowing stuff, buddy? You act like we’re in Japan or something!” The Swede laughs, and the maid, who stands next to him with the menu pressed against her bosom, laughs as well. “See? She gets me!”

Ryuk turns to Hajime, who has a thin grin on his face.

“And you must be Ryuk’s killer droid friend. He’s told us all about you. Hajime, is it?”

Hajime nods.

“You, sir, are an utter badass.”

“You have no idea.”

FeeTwix laughs awkwardly. “You’re right, I really don’t! Now let’s get down to business. Sophia has arrived, and wants to meet in an hour in Ueno in a lab at Tokyo University. She didn’t tell me what she’d be testing, but she did say to come prepared to log in for a while, which as you know, I kind of make a living being logged in for a while so no problems there, feel me? Also, I’m starved, and I’m ready to hear whatever song Kiko has promised to sing!”

He switches to Japanese and begins talking to the girl standing on stage behind a microphone stand decorated in flowers.

“Nihongo o hanasemasu ka?” Ryuk asks.

“GoogleFace translate, buddy, just like you’re using,” FeeTwix says in English. “What language do you prefer? English or Japanese? Actually, Sophia will likely speak English, so we should probably stick to that. One minute, Kiko! Just let me catch up with my friend. Sumimasen! Gomenasai! I want to hear something super cool. Shit, Ryuk, what song should I listen to?”

“I do not really listen to pop music,” he says as he removes his sunglasses.

“And what’s with the mask? You sick or something? Kidding, kidding, I get it, you’re incognito.” FeeTwix sits and Ryuk does the same, Hajime remaining standing.

“You can sit with us, Hajime,” Ryuk says.

“I’ll stand near the door,” the humandroid says. “I’ve checked everyone in the maid cafe. We should be safe for now.”

“Cool!” The Swede eyes Ryuk for a moment. “Ryuk, if someone hasn’t already told you today, let me be the first to say that you are one cool mitherficker. You too, Hajime!”

“Um, thanks,” Hajime says over his shoulder.

“Here’s the menu!” The maid in the blue outfit drops two menus on the table and backs away, waving with both hands.

“She’s a cutie, so is she, and so is she. But I have to say, Ryuk, this is weird as fuck. They aren’t actually, um, what would Hiccup say? Orc chippies?”

Ryuk clears his throat, his face going pale. “Of course not, this is just a job some of the cuter girls in high school get. Nothing, um, sexual.”

“Yeah, aside from all of it. Kiko! You sing whatever you want. I’m all ears!” FeeTwix gives the girl on the stage a double thumbs up.

“What do you want to eat?” Ryuk asks. “Omelet or instant ramen? They also have okonomiyaki.”

“Let’s keep it simple. How about an omelet and a couple of beers?”

“I am too young to drink. I am nineteen.”

“Well, it looks like I’m boozing alone this time.”

The maid waitress comes and Ryuk orders. Just as his order is placed, Kiko starts up her song, which Ryuk recognizes as Sukiyaki, a famous song from the 20th century, albeit a poppier version sung with a schoolgirl voice.

“What’s the song mean?” FeeTwix asks Ryuk.

“It’s about your girl going away and leaving you lonely.”

“Ah.” FeeTwix’s face grows serious for once. “It isn’t bothering you or anything, is it?”

“Why would it?” Ryuk gulps, instantly thinking of Tamana. “No, it is not bothering me. I am over that.”

“Are you? Because you don’t have to be. Look, I know that we get pretty wrapped up in our typical guild shit-talking. Actually, that is all the goblin’s fault, but you get my point.”

“He is a ficker.”

FeeTwix laughs. “Yes, yes, he really is. But like I was saying, we get wrapped up in the shit-talk and don’t really discuss serious things, like Tamana, like Tomas. Those two…I know they are being brainwashed and forced to work for Kodai against their will. Tomas would never attack me, and Tamana…”

“Yes?” Ryuk asks, a fluttering sensation in his chest.

“I know she wouldn’t attack you like that. The others, Hiccup and Zaena, really, may think so, but I know there’s more to this story. We just have to get strong enough to go after them.”

“I agree,” he says, conviction in his voice.

“We brought the fight to the Shinigami once, back when we were a much weaker guild. We also beat Tomas and Tamana back in Kayi. Now, I’m not stupid enough to think they don’t have some tricks up their sleeves, but after we get the runestones, I think we should bring the fight again to the Shinigami, and end it.”

“Get Tamana and Tomas back,” Ryuk whispers.

“Yes, both of them. The Shinigami will pay.”

“–My brother will pay.”

“Him too. This shit is going to be going down real soon, and when it does, I’m fucking game.”

The maid waitress brings back a beer for FeeTwix and a vitamin enhanced blueberry soda for Ryuk.

“You game?”

“Definitely,” Ryuk says. “We just have to get to the point where we can take them on.”

.9. Bluwid is an Actual Shithole (Not like Jatla)

“Can I wear a surgical mask too?” FeeTwix asks as they exit the shop. “I didn’t think to conceal the fact that I’m in Tokyo.”

Hajime pauses. “Do your fans know what you look like in real life?”

“Well, I look pretty much the same. That’s bad, right?”

Hajime nods as he sticks his hand into his front jacket pocket. Trying to blend in as best he can, the humandroid is dressed minimally: a black parka, a pair of ever-so-lightly distressed jeans and a pair of black winter boots with fur-lined uppers.

“You can wear this mask.”

FeeTwix takes the mask from Hajime and puts it on as he gets into the waiting Uberyota. The vehicle is a different model from the one Ryuk and Hajime came in, an SUV version with back seats that face one another and no steering wheel.

“And now you can take it off,” the humandroid says as the aeros lifts into the air.

“I’ll keep mine on; it’s warm! You know, we really should wear these in Sweden. It gets pretty cold there, not that I go out much.” His blue eyes light up.

“What is it?” Ryuk asks. He sits across from FeeTwix, his back towards the front windshield.

“Just looking at the pictures of the omelet we ate back at the maid cafe. Who knew Kiko could be so talented with ketchup. It’s kawaii, Ryuk!”

“You are the same in the Proxima Galaxy as you are here in the real world,” he tells the Swede.

“What? You’re not? You seem the same too: quiet, loyal, brooding – I mean that in a good way. A lot of people try to reinvent themselves online to find that they’re only an extension of who they were in the first place. Sure, there are some fickboys – copyright Hiccup the goblin – but most people only change a few things about their appearance, at least now. I think it was different back in the 2040s, when people were just getting their feet wet in the galaxy.”

“The 2040s,” Hajime murmurs. Their vehicle drops to a lower airlane, the change in gravity felt in their chests.

“Back when Quantum Hughes was kicking ass and taking names! The OG Dream Team. You guys ever see the Netflix Hulu series about the Dream Team? No? Well, they changed the names, even a damn catchy name like Quantum Hughes, but anyway, that’s what those shows were based on. Shit, I would have fought in the Battle for Tritania if I had been old enough. I mean, I was logging in in 2058, but those were mostly to kiddy worlds. Fun places, kid worlds. Whew, I feel like Hiccup at the moment!”

“Why’s that?” Ryuk asks.

“I’m the only one talking.”

“Sorry.”

Their aeros lands a few minutes later in a parking lot next to a slick lab with walls made of blackened motoglass. Standing in front of the lab is a middle aged Asian woman with, of all things, a puffy afro. She wears a white lab coat, high-waisted slacks, and a pair of Converse high-tops.

The doors pop open and FeeTwix jumps out, the surgical mask still on his face.

“Hey Sophia, what’s going on?”

“Let’s get inside,” she says instead of hello.

Ryuk and Hajime approach, and as they do, she begins talking to her personal iNet-based AI in Mandarin.

The three follow her through a sliding metal door. They turn down a wide corridor, and from there, down a stairwell and onto a polished concrete floor.

A hovering drone approaches Sophia and scans her retina.

She continues to speak in Mandarin to herself as they enter a lab with lofty ceilings and several dive vats.

“You’re going to log in, both of you, actually.”

“Sweet,” says FeeTwix. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

“You and your guild can go about their business as I monitor Ryuk and go through the last two weeks of data. Once I’ve done that, I’ll give you my diagnosis.”

“That’s it?” asks Ryuk.

She cocks an eyebrow at him. “Were you expecting something else?”

“I really don’t know what I was expecting.”

“I’ve come here to work, and luckily for you two, that work means that you need to be logged in.” She turns to two dive vats. “Shall we?” Once she realizes that they aren’t following her, Sophia turns back around. “What is it?”

Ryuk and FeeTwix exchange glances.

“We get to dive dive? As in, use a dive vat? That’s awesome!” The Swede pumps his hand in the air. “I’ve used one before, but not for a while.”

“I’ve never used one,” says Ryuk.

“Yes, you both get to use one. Um, Evan, can you help me get them strapped up?” Sophia calls out.

A slim humandroid Ryuk hadn’t seen before steps into the room. He’s fit, his shirt is tucked into his pants, and his light hair is combed to the side. He holds a pair of NV Visors, and as he walks over to the dive vats, he smiles at Sophia. “No problem, honey.”

Sophia’s face softens as she takes in the humandroid. Ryuk and FeeTwix exchange glances; a message immediately appears on his iNet screen.

FeeTwix: Pretty sure she has something going on with the humandroid.

Ryuk: Good observation.

“I’ll go first,” the Swede announces. He walks over to the dive vat and starts stripping.

“We have to undress?” Ryuk asks.

“Yes, just down to your underwear” says Evan, the humandroid. “If you care for some privacy, you can use the office.”

“Um,” Ryuk looks from Hajime to FeeTwix to Sophia, whose smile has thinned. “Sure, I’ll use the office.”

(0)__(0)

“That was different …” Ryuk says as soon as his avatar takes shape.

The dive vat was almost like being submerged in a small pool, aside from the fact that the liquid was thick and gooey. Even though he now stands on solid, digital ground, the weightlessness associated with being suspended in the vat is still throwing his center of gravity off.

He takes a step back as the Mitherfickers’ stats appear before him. With no changes since he last checked, he swipes them away.

“Fick, Marbles, did your big bro hand you your candy ass again?” Hiccup turns to Ryuk and laughs. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

The mention of the word ‘ghost,’ even though he was the one to mention it, brings terror to the portly, pink-haired goblin’s face.

Ryuk sighs deeply. “Nice to see you too, Hiccup.”

“Fick, must be nice to not actually have to do all the walking yourself. I wish I could just log out and have my avatar do the dirty work. There are a lot of tasks I need to accomplish that I’d prefer not to do myself including trimming my toenails.”

“Quiet, goblin,” Zaena says, now out of habit.

Enway laughs as she moves over to Ryuk. “How are you? Any changes up there?”

“Not, um, not that I’m aware of. I met FeeTwix in person.”

As if he were Beetlejuice, the mere mention of the Swede’s name causes him to appear, his avatar slowly pixilating into existence. His eyes instantly go black. “Fick yeah, everybody! We’re back, and while I was gone, I hope you guys kept track of what Hiccup was doing and saying. Never can be too sure of that goblin.”

“Hey! Fick you, Twixy!”

“Okay people, so we’re outside Bluwid and night is coming, which will likely lead to some battles and some asshattery, or fickery, if I do say so myself.”

Hiccup throws his hands up in the air and mumbles about FeeTwix owing him royalties for using his favorite word.

“And we all know what I like to do at night. That’s right, folks, sleep! And if you are having trouble sleeping, McStarbucks has you covered. Melatonin lattes and McFlurries are on sale worldwide! And you don’t even need to mention #FeeTwixRox to get the discount!”

“Then what’s the fickin’ point of this ad?” Hiccup asks. “And what the fick is Melatonin?”

“I’m glad you asked,” FeeTwix says as he places his arm around Hiccup’s shoulder and turns to him. The goblin glares into the Swede’s black, soulless eyes.

“Why are you fickin’ staring at me like that?”

“If you do mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout, you’ll get – and I really can’t tell you guys how excited I am to share this – you’ll get a bogo offer! Bogo bogo! What better way to spend than bogo!?”

Hiccup tears himself from FeeTwix’s grip. “Ficker.” He whistles for Wolf to come over to him but the Unigaean beast stays away.

“What happened there?” Ryuk asks as FeeTwix continues to tell his fans of what drinks qualify for the buy one, get one free offer.

“Hiccup pissed the wolf off,” Zaena says.

“I didn’t piss ‘the wolf’ off, I accidently pissed on ‘the wolf,’” Hiccup argues. “And it was a fickin’ accident. I don’t need adult diapers or shit like that. I thought I saw a fick-faced ghoul back in the brush we passed through. Everyone has personal fears. Mine trigger bowel movements.”

“It was a deer.”

“Yes, Liz, we later discovered that after you fickin’ tossed a sword at it and killed it. But at the time, I thought it was a ghost and I fickin’ hate ghosts. Thanks for the deer meat though, it is best uncooked.”

“So, you peed on Wolf?” Ryuk asks.

“Fick, why is everyone judging me? It was just a little and I pissed myself too, which is why I’m walking the way I’m walking.”

“I thought you walked that way because you were bow-legged,” Zaena says, a mischievous smile forming on her face.

Hiccup’s face turns red. “I had fickin’ rickets when I was a young goblin and now you’re making fun of me for this? Fick! There are no safe spaces in this guild, not that I need one, but just fickin’ saying.” He sniffs loudly. “Fick everyone that isn’t me.”

With that, the goblin crosses his arms over his chests and waits for the others to walk past him. Once they are a good five meters away, he slowly starts to pick up his pace.

“How long do you think he’ll stay quiet?” Zaena asks.

“No idea.”

A message appears on Ryuk’s vision pane.

Sophia: I have started downloading your feed. The download process won’t take long, but viewing and interpreting the data will take a fair amount of time. Please refrain from logging out while it is being interpreted. Like I explained before you logged in, we are storing your feed’s data in real time. If you log out, we won’t have enough available space to completely process your feed. Trust me, I’m an expert.

Ryuk: I do trust you.

Sophia: Be sure not to log out.

Ryuk: I wasn’t planning on it. Are you viewing my feed?

Sophia: Not your current feed.

“You’ve got that look on your face, Ryuk,” says FeeTwix.

“Which look?”

“Like you’re annoyed.”

“It’s …” Ryuk points up at the sky.

“Ah, cool, cool, cool. Fick ‘em, as our goblin friend says. And yes,” the Swede calls over his shoulder, “you’re still my friend.”

Seeing that Hiccup won’t join the group, Wolf turns back to the goblin. Once he reaches him, he lowers his body so Hiccup can climb up.

“Good Wolfy,” Hiccup says as he pets his head. “At least you get me. I’ll let you know if I feel a piss coming on.”

(0)__(x)

The goblin has more or less cheered up by the time they reach the Bluwid city limits. Ryuk’s nose twitches at the stench that hovers over this city like a big cloud of pollution. There are hints of Jatla in the smell, but the Bluwid stank is more pronounced, thicker, and Ryuk instantly wishes he wore the surgical mask he had back in Tokyo.

“Whew!” Zaena says. “It is quite pungent here.”

The goblin’s nostrils flare. “Yeah, yeah. Jatla may be a shithole, but Bluwid is an actual shithole. People shit in holes in the alleys.”

“Why don’t they install bathrooms?” Enway watches a goblin on a purple cockatrice ride by. He wears chainmail and spiked arm bracers. A scowl on his face, the rider grumbles, “Get the fick out of the way,” as he passes them.

“No one is in your way, you fickered dotard!” Hiccup calls after him.

“Shit, Hiccup, please don’t pick fights.”

Hiccup raises an eyebrow at Ryuk. “Pick fights? That’s a fickin’ greeting where I’m from.” His voice grows louder. “And if the cup-fickin’ dirty finger banger has anything else to say, he’ll say it to our faces!”

The goblin on the cockatrice tells Hiccup to “fick off,” and just when it seems like a fight is about to break out, FeeTwix whips out a 9mm Luger he had tucked into the back of his pants and caps the goblin.

Bang!

Instakill!

“Fick, Twixy, we were just fickin’ around!”

“No one threatens my friends,” FeeTwix says as he returns the gun to its hiding place. “And no one talks shit about the Mitherfickers.”

Hiccup considers this as he rides past on Wolf. “I’m with you there, Twixy, I’m all about jingoism, however minute it may be. Extreme force too. Shoot first, don’t ask questions – good motto.”

“Tossers tonight! Tossers tonight!” a young girl goblin yells out. She has her hair in pigtails and she wears a tattered, hand-me-down leather tunic.

“Tossers is tonight?” Hiccup runs his mechanical hand over his pin topknot. “Fick yeah! Who wants to go to Tossers?”

“Oh, that’s what it is,” FeeTwix says, his eyes flashing as his fans explain. “I’ll pass.”

“Dare I ask?” Enway grins at Ryuk, her red eyes softening.

“Better you than me,” he jokes.

“What is Tossers?” she asks as they come to a checkpoint manned by a pair of sleeping goblins. A couple of emptied steins on the table tell a story of late afternoon debauchery. One of the checkpoint guards has his thumb in his mouth.

“Doesn’t know what Tossers is.” Hiccup rubs his hands together. “Tossers is the name for public executions in Bluwid. Fun shit.”

“It’s not a game?” Zaena asks. “Everything you mention sounds like a game.”

“No, it’s not, Liz, and I wish you, of all people, would turn the prejudice down a hair. Any-fickin’-hoo, Tossers is where you put someone convicted of a crime in a giant slingshot and shoot them off the continental shelf.”

“That’s it?” asks Ryuk as they pass a goblin perched on a carpet selling severed bugbear heads.

“Yes, Marbles, that’s it. Any other questions?”

“And this is a game?”

“No, it’s a public execution. What the fick is wrong with you?”

“Nothing is wrong with me; it just sounded like a game.”

“Well, people bet on it. Bets like, how loud will the goblin scream, how far will they fly – those sort of things. Fick, I need to get new pants. Stop arguing with me, Marbles. Where’s the pants store? Or does this guild say trousers? I wish we could all agree on a name for the shit we put on our legs to cover our chalupas.”

FeeTwix flips open a map and it floats in the air before him. He scrolls through the map, which is backlit, roads and buildings highlighted in green. “Ah, Bluwid, it feels like I know you intimately now.”

Hiccup takes a look at the map. “Not bad, but it doesn’t show all the shortcuts.” He squints as the map zooms in on their current location. “Liz, I need some reptilian eyes over here. Hey! Limbs off the hair. Fick. Okay, does that say Wild Cherry Oriental Massage?”

Hiccup points at a building a few blocks away.

“It does. You can clearly read it, goblin.”

He licks his lips. “Then that’s where we are going first. I know the guy that runs Wild Cherry and he, of all goblins, is a real fickboy. Old friend too, goes by the name Dougbug.” Hiccup whistles. “Sorry, Wolf, we’ll need to wait on pants. To Wild Cherry! And Liz, fick you and the dragon you rode in on. Let’s go, Mitherfickers!”

“Fick you!” a cranky goblin begging by the side of the road shouts.

“Fick the poor!” is Hiccup’s response.

“Yeah, fick them!”

“The locals are very hostile,” Enway says as they follow the wolfbound goblin.

Ryuk laughs. “It reminds me of home.”

“Tokyo is this bad?”

“No! Not that home, um, I meant our guildhall in Jatla. I can’t believe I’ve just referred to that place as home. We need a new guildhall, in fact…” Ryuk catches up with FeeTwix, who walks beside Zaena holding her hand.

“What’s up, Ryuk?” FeeTwix says after he sees the eager look in his eyes.

“We need a new guildhall, something not in Jatla. Let’s never go back to Jatla again.”

Zaena nods. “I agree. We should get a place in Valhalla, in Porthos.”

“Pretty expensive there,” Ryuk says.

“Price is not an issue.” FeeTwix smiles at both of them. “We need a suitable location that has access to amenities and other guilds. We also need a place that isn’t filthy as fick, like Jatla.”

Hiccup slows, his big ears twitching ever so slightly. “Did I hear someone say something about Jatla? It ain’t that bad, folks, but believe whatever fake media outlet you want. I’m sick of waging war against the lamestream media. I mean, really, you’ve seen the shit they said about Dirty Dave, right, Liz?”

“No.”

“And we all met Dirty Dave, and he’s a high-quality guy. Clearly not a drug dealer, good people, the best of people.”

Ryuk sighs. “He is a drug dealer. We protected his shipment of wizardous as part of a quest, remember? In the Port of Corpses, as you called it.”

“Maybe you protected his shipment, but I didn’t see shit, Marbles.”

“Hiccup, you yourself pointed out the fact that orcs were loading drugs into an airship.”

“See what I’m talking about, Twixy? Ryuk’s clearly been poisoned by fake news. Shit, I bet he believes the world is round.”

“Whose world?” Ryuk asks, his eyes narrowing on the back of the goblin’s head.

“Anyone’s world. I’m walking on a flat surface. The world is flat. It’s not fickin’ rocket science, whatever a fickin’ rocket is. Sheesh. Okay, stop picking fights with me. You fickers see that place up there with the big red cherry on the window?”

“Yes,” FeeTwix says. “And no offense, Hiccup, but I may be re-equipping my hazmat suit. It is toxic over here!”

“None taken. I’d equip one too if you had one for short and round guys. Here’s the plan: let me do all the talking with Dougbug.”

“Dougbug?” Enway asks.

“Keep up, Red Eyes. Ooo, I like that name. Anyfick, Dougbug is my friend, and he may be pissed at me, so let me do the talking.”

“Why are we going to see this ‘Dougbug’ anyway, goblin?”

“Fick, Liz, read between the lines for once. We’re trying to find intel on the goblin shaman who has this fickin’ runestone you three and the giant in Waringtla were drooling over. If anyone knows where this shaman is, Dougbug will know. But it may take some bartering.”

“I’m sorry. I lose track of what we are doing the longer you ramble.”

“Did you say bartering?” FeeTwix asks. “Because that’s my specialty.”

“Maybe, maybe not, Twixy. Let me put my feelers out first.”

(0)__(x)

“I will not give him a massage,” Zaena says, her hand on the hilt of her sword. “How dare you even propose such a thing, Hiccup!”

Hiccup turns to Dougbug and shrugs. “I told you she wouldn’t be down.”

Dougbug is a short goblin with a full head of hair and nice clothes too. He wasn’t initially too enthused to see Hiccup, but once he laid eyes on Zaena, his tune changed.

From what Ryuk could gather from the brief exchange between the two goblins, Dougbug’s animosity stemmed from the fact that Hiccup was responsible for destroying Dougbug’s last relationship with an orc masseuse. Something about an ink shadow named Barry, and something about a massage gone horribly wrong after Barry tried to stick his chalupa in the masseuse’s ear.

Such a stupid story, was Ryuk’s thought at the time, and he’s just about to tell Hiccup to stop being a dumbass when a message flashes on his vision pane.

Hiccup: Fick, Liz, play along. What part of “play along” did you not understand from before? We need info, and unless you want to spend the rest of the night trying to shake loose some intel in the mean streets of Bluwid – which is a lot more difficult than just beating up a drunk in Aramis – then you’ll do Uncle Goblin a solid and at least pretend you’ll give him a massage.

Zaena crosses her arms over her chest and glares at both the goblins.

“No massage, no information,” Dougbug says, a crooked, toothy grin stretching across his cheeks.

Grease stains across his tunic are all that’s left of the fried dragon skins he was munching when they entered his establishment. Even though he was angry when they first entered, he offered some of the gluten-free dragon skins to Hiccup, who readily obliged.

“Dougy, goblin to goblin, we’ve been through a lot of bullshit,” Hiccup says, getting on his knees. “And I’m here to…” He throws himself at Dougbug’s feet. “Please, please, please, fick, please give us the info!”

“You purebred poofty fruitflake … get your ass up! There is no begging in Wild Cherry’s. Fick. Can’t have employees or clients seeing that you can just beg your way to success here.”

“Please, Dougy, please!”

“Nope, you’ll have to get your information the old-fashioned way: killing, cheating, robbing, tricking. Not necessarily in that order, but you get what I’m saying.”

“But Dougy, that could take all night! Come on, do a solid for your old pal.”

“I don’t owe you any favors, not after Jatla.”

“Get up, Hiccup,” Ryuk says under his breath. “You’re embarrassing us.”

Hiccup stops fake crying long enough to exchange glances with Dougbug. Not seconds later, he’s beating the floor with his fist and laughing alongside his old friend. Dougbug soon joins him, both goblins laughing and rolling around on the floor.

“What in the hell are they doing?” Enway asks.

“Being goblins, I believe,” is FeeTwix’s reply.

“Fick, Marbles! You’re such a sorry excuse for a strongman. Fick. I told you this one was a real starfish sniffer, Dougy. Didn’t I tell you?”

“Ha! Yes, you did. Fick. I thought you were exaggerating,” Dougbug says as he helps Hiccup to his feet, both their faces red from laughter. “This one couldn’t get laid by his own right hand. Fick me. Where’s the other? You said there was a female, I believe.”

“Tammy, a traitor-ass bitch. She’s no longer with us.”

“Fick, I hate a traitor, but it happens to the best of us.” Dougbug shrugs. “Anyfick, like I said, massage for info. Sorry, Hiccup, no more favors.”

“Fick me, Dougy, we could pay you.”

“I have plenty of money.” His eyes narrow on Zaena. “What I want is a four-handed Thulean massage.”

FeeTwix glances from Zaena to Dougbug. “Not going to happen, Dougbug, that’s my girlfriend there. If anyone’s getting a massage, it’s me! Ain’t that right, bae?”

Dougbug’s face softens. “He says ‘bae’ too? I love that word!”

“Fick you both, and yes, Twixy says it too. Says a lot of stupid shit. Sells a lot of stupid stuff too. Look, Dougy, fick, what do you want from us? You name it, you got it. Hell, have Marbles. Straight up. I’m giving him away. He can be a fluffer around here or something. You have fluffers, right?”

“I told you what I’d like, Hiccup.” Dougbug’s eyes light up. “What’s that?” He relaxes some and stretches his shoulders back. “Feels good … mmmm … damn good.”

His mouth agape, Hiccup looks from Dougbug to Zaena, who still has her arms crossed over her chest.

“Yeah, feels really good.” Dougbug starts tapping his foot. “Oh yeah, harder, harder. Shit! SHIT! TOO FICKIN’ HARD! FICK! Okay…okay …better …ah, that’s the spot, Thulean. Lots of stress there. Feel that knot? Big league, am I right? Sometimes I have to take over for the orcs when their arms are tired…ahhh …lots of yanking…hurts your back muscles. Hey! Why’d you stop?”

Hiccup points his mechanical finger at the shorter goblin. “Fick that. Did you just say you take over for the girls? You chalupa-tugging in here, Dougy? ‘Cause if the madams, or in your case, misters – pretty sure that’s what you call yourself – are taking part in the tugging, I’m fickin’ taking my business elsewhere.”

“You can’t afford a massage here, Hiccup. Need I remind you? And don’t fickin’ judge me!” Dougbug growls.

Zaena clears her throat. “There will be plenty more massages where that came from, if, and only if, you tell us where the shaman lives.”

“Fick.” Dougbug runs his hand through his hair. “Fine, fine. You got me there. I know lots of shamans. Which one are you looking for?”

The Mitherfickers exchange glances. Wolf, who is near the door, yawns and drops onto the ground to rest.

“The goblin in question can cure Goblinheimer’s, possibly chalupa warts. Although that last part is hearsay, because I made that part up. Fick. Oh, they use a runestone, or there is a runestone around them. Something like that. What you got, Dougy?” Hiccup asks.

“Easy, her name is Sugar Spur,” he says, a note of intense severity to his voice.

Ryuk suppresses a sigh and fails.

“What the hell is wrong with the emo poof-flake?” Dougbug asks.

“Someone dropped him on his head when he was a wee little ficker,” Hiccup laments. “He’s been half-ficktarded ever since. Continue, Dougy.”

“She goes by the name Sugar Spur, and word on the street is she can cure chalupa warts and has helped several overcome Goblinheimer’s.”

“Fick. Yeah. Point us in the right direction.”

Dougbug snorts. “You’re going to see her? Appointment only, Hiccup. The waitlist is at least a fortnight.”

“No, we’re going to…” Hiccup’s pink topknot lifts. “Hey! Hands off the hair, Lizzy.”

“Ah, your hair. And your arm. Things I meant to comment on.” Dougbug sighs. “But what the fick ever, look, if you guys want to see Sugar Spur and cure your chalupa warts, you’ll need to make an appointment. Luckily, Sugar lives in a dungeon on the hill to the northwest. Can’t miss it. You can make your appointment directly at the gate. Now…” He rubs his hands together. “Where’s that massage?”

Instakill!

Dougbug’s head flies off his shoulders, a splatter of blood staining the wall. Zaena flicks the blood off her sword and quickly sheathes it.

“Fick, Liz! You weren’t supposed to kill him!” Hiccup shakes his head as he makes his way over to his old friend’s body. “But if I don’t check him for loot, someone else will.”

.10. Upgrade

“...And that, everyone, is why you should try Krunkin’ Kronuts’ new post-V-Day latte and Krunked Up Kronut of the month! Heartbreak, or maybe an October/November baby on the way, you can never go wrong with these yummy yummy donuts. Cream? Check. Non-GMO flour ingredients? Definite. Kosher halal vitamin-enhanced icing with added nutrients created in a donut shop with a focus on Feng Shui? You bet your fickin’ ass! #FeeTwixRox at counter gets you half-off an additional donut, to share with that special someone or to share with yourself in hopes of finding a special someone next year!”

Hiccup pulls the Swede aside. “Look, Twix, I’m not the type that would tell their kid to not follow their dreams, even if their dream consisted of becoming a vape artist or getting a liberal arts degree, whatever the fick that is, but seriously, Twixy, we’re in the mean and dirty streets of Bluwid, and you’ll draw attention to us with all that selling nonsense. Read between the lines of what I’ve just said: shut the fick up. Also, what’s a kronut?”

The Mitherfickers, led by Hiccup, are navigating the alleys that connect the shantytown of the city to the main thoroughfares. Wolf trails at the rear, not ridden by the goblin for once.

Hiccup promised it’d be a shorter distance, but Ryuk is starting to doubt whether the goblin even has a vague sense of basic cardinal directions.

They’ve been walking a good thirty minutes now, and while no one has challenged them to a fight, they have encountered a roving group of pickpockets; a handful of busty and busted orc prostitutes; a couple of bloated dead bodies; a good amount of bodily excrement; ubiquitous shitting holes; a few suspicious puddles; and several Wizardous fiends sitting on the ground with their arms clutched around their knees.

“A kronut is something that you would really like, Hiccup.”

“That sentence doesn’t tell me anything. We talking sour, tangy, sweet? Can you snort it?”

“Sweet and delicious, and I suppose you could snort it. Also, while I have you, anything you’d like to say to the Fickers?” FeeTwix asks as he bends over towards Hiccup’s face. Instead of streetlamps, the slums that surround the city center of Bluwid are lit by paper lamps, a fire hazard, but then again, everything in Bluwid is hazardous in some way.

The paper lamp above them twists as a breeze blows by, startling Wolf. He barks, the Mitherfickers turn back to him, and FeeTwix and Hiccup continue their conversation.

“Say to the Fickers…hmmm…How many are there now?”

“Nearly forty-five thousand, not too shabby, especially for someone like you, who doesn’t seem too keen on providing a steady stream of content.”

“Providing content? What kind of doublespeak fickery is that? We’ve been at this how long? A couple weeks?”

“Less than a week,” Ryuk reminds him.

“Fick, Marbles, if I needed a virtual assistant, I’d hire one.”

Ryuk turns to Enway and she grins softly at him. Something about her red eyes strikes him every time he looks at her.

Zaena slips by, catlike and graceful. “I don’t care about what the goblin needs to say to his misled followers. If there ever were a basket of deplorables…”

“Ignore the dragon woman, kiddos,” Hiccup says, looking FeeTwix square in his black eyes. “And I can’t say I disagree with Liz, you are a basket of deplorables, and if any of you ever want to dampen your chalupas, you’ll stop watching this ficker’s feed and get out there and get you some.” He points his mechanical finger at the Swede’s face. “So, stay in school, and if school’s too hard, bribe your teacher. Fick, Twixy, what do you want me to say? If these fickers started hooking me up in terms of women, drugs, and healing potions, I’d be a much better role model.”

A goblin passing by on a crutch lifts into the air. He screams and starts crying almost immediately. Wolf starts barking, circling the suspended goblin.

“Fick! Ghosts!” Hiccup hits the ground, his golden helm appearing on his head. Once he realizes he’s the only one that has hit the deck, he glances around from beneath his loose-fitting helm and narrows his eyes at Zaena.

“Put your fickin’ konoshlo away, Liz!”

“I will set you down,” the Thulean tells the suspended goblin, “when you tell us where Sugar Spur’s dungeon is located.”

The handicapped goblin, an older man with a long white beard, realizes pretty quickly what’s going on after he sees the Thulean. “Fick you, lizard bitch. Yoy, yoy, yoy! Put me down, you rotten taint stain!”

“Ha!” Hiccup slowly gets to his feet. “That last one just rolls off the tongue.”

“Where is Sugar Spur?”

“Fick if I know!” the older goblin cries out. “I was just visiting Dirty Dave.” His voice drops an octave as his eyes roll back into his head. “You should visit Dirty Dave too. His shop is two blocks away on the left. Now, please set me down so that I may get on my way.”

Zaena does as instructed almost immediately.

As soon as the possessed older goblin’s feet touch the pavement, his eyes return to their normal state as does his voice. “Fick you!” he shouts at the Mitherfickers as he scuttles away.

FeeTwix cheers. “Hell yes, Dirty Dave has summoned us!”

“Liz, we are going to need to discuss your enhanced interrogation techniques. In the last hour, you’ve decapitated an old buddy of mine and you’ve harassed a distinguished member of the goblin community, triggering a cryptic message from Dirty Dave. Now, I approve of enhanced interrogation for immiNPCs, but not goblins. No fickin’ way. We’re people too, you know?”

Hiccup continues and Ryuk tunes him out. As they move in the direction that Dirty Dave has sent them, he recalls giving the infamous weapons dealer a few of his marbles back in the Port of Protla.

Who knows what Dirty Dave will present us with next, he thinks as he steps around a puddle of blood.

Why there is a random puddle of blood in the back streets of Bluwid could be attributed to a dead or sleeping goblin near the puddle, a discarded knife a few meters away, or a butcher’s shop in a yard that faces the street.

Ryuk’s Magic Eye skill working in tandem with his Extreme Focus ability sheds light on a lot of things, and in places like Bluwid, it’d be nice to turn off.

The problem is that he can’t turn it off.

Whereas before he’d have to focus to get it to work, as Ryuk has leveled, the skills have become more pronounced, more readily available. Sure, he can “think” it into working, but it is pretty much ever-present at the moment, which makes things like normal conversations a bit annoying because he’s constantly seeing magical outlines around various items and people.

“There it is,” Enway says, breaking his train of thought. The Chromatic Mage carries the same smile on her face that he’s grown accustomed to seeing. Her hair pulled back with a braid, similar to the way Tamana’s avatar wore her hair, tugs at Ryuk’s heartstrings.

He’s well aware that their guild has its own priorities, and there is the overarching quest of stopping the Shinigami and preventing them from spreading to the real world, but Ryuk can’t help but tack Save Tamana on the end of that list.

It began with her, and it very well may end with her.

“This Dirty Dave’s is a lot less impressive than the one in Aramis,” Hiccup comments. “I mean, where are the fickin’ fauns on the top of the building? Where’s the big vault door? That said, I admire the fact that this one is next to a DD BBQ. Don’t mind if I fickin’ do, am I right? Who’s in for a fifty pack of Lemon Pepper dragon wings?”

“They’re not lining up,” Ryuk says, his Japanese sense of order perturbed by the mob outside DD’s BBQ. The goblins have swelled around the entrance, a few fists and angry elbows readily exchanged.

Just as Hiccup turns to join the mob, his trajectory is corrected by Zaena’s ghost limbs.

“Liz! What the fick? I’m starved over here.”

“Dirty Dave told us to see him, not for us to visit his meat establishment.”

Hiccup goes from angry to half-grin. “Meat establishment. Sorry, Liz, that phrase brings out a younger, more obnoxious goblin than the gentleman who stands before you. And fick, I’m getting fed before we go to the dungeon, believe you me. Maybe I’ll just put an order in with Davey Boy himself.”

“Let’s just see what Dirty Dave has to offer.” FeeTwix is the first to enter the weapon’s shop. He’s followed by Hiccup, who has elbowed his way to the front, then Zaena, Enway, Ryuk and Wolf.

Completely the opposite of his shop in Aramis, Dirty Dave’s Bluwid Weapon Emporium would make the Steve Jobs Museum appear cluttered. Aside from a white counter near the back corner of the room, the place is completely bare.

“Where the fick is he?”

“Maybe he had legal matters to see to,” Zaena says.

“You know, Liz, those kinds of offhand remarks are what sway public opinion and generate fake news. If you ever decide to get out of the princess business, there’s definitely a place for you in the lamestream media. Am I right, Twixy?”

Instead of responding, FeeTwix moves to the front counter. “Hello? We got your message, Dirty Dave.”

“Hmmm, so this is the same guy who owns the barbeque place in Kayi?” Enway asks.

“And most of the weapons shops across all three continents, and the inventor of wizardous,” Ryuk explains.

“The narcotic?” she asks.

“Fick, Marbles, what ever happened to the due process of law in Tritania? Innocent until proven guilty? Sure, we don’t practice that in Jatla, instead going for guilty until proven innocent, but that’s a case for another day.” Hiccup’s eyes glaze over and he bites his bottom lip. “Where are we again? Why isn’t there anything in this room? Twixy…”

“Don’t worry, Hiccup, we’re… ” FeeTwix smiles as he pats the goblin on the shoulder. “We’re in the quiet zone. Also, you’ve already eaten. You ate so much. You must be very full.”

“Don’t feel full,” Hiccup says, rubbing his hairy belly. He jiggles it for a moment. “Are you sure I ate?”

“You ate big league, Hiccup.”

The goblin’s eyes narrow at FeeTwix. “Are you trying to trick me?”

“Why would I ever do that, Hiccup?”

“The quiet zone, huh? I see what’s going on here, Twixy, and if I had recently eaten, there’d be a stain on the front of my tunic.” Hiccup looks down at his designer white tunic, which is difficult because of the rolls of fat around his neck. “No stain, no food. And I smell food.” His nostrils flare.

“Maybe Dave wants you to turn off your feed,” Ryuk suggests.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Please turn of all live feeds. Ding! Ding! Ding!

The voice is like that of a female humandroid.

“Where the fick did that sound come from?”

“Ah, sorry, Dave, and sorry, fans, I’ll be right back. In the meantime, be sure to check out my newest contest called Count the Ficks. I’ve had G. Todd, who has been running all my contests, see just how many times our favorite goblin used the word ‘fick’ yesterday. For the first ten people to get the number right, you’ll get a six-month TwitchTubeRed membership for free. Since most of you are already members, as is required by your cable/internet provider, your next six billing cycles will be comped! So, get cracking, count those ficks, and I’ll be right back!”

His eyes flash blue, and before Hiccup can berate him for cultural appropriation, a door that wasn’t there just moments ago slides open behind the counter.

Dirty Dave, his face as predatory as ever and his hair slicked back, steps into the room. He wears a bathrobe open at the chest, revealing a copious number of tattoos, so many in fact that his skin is almost reptilian. The main piece, a skull with gaping mouth and fangs across his chest, grins as Dirty Dave places his hands on the counter.

“How can I help you?” he asks, his voice that same sinister tone Ryuk’s heard twice before.

(0)__(0)

“Fickin-a, Mr. Dirty, or is it Mr. Dave? Davey Boy? Dirty D? Double D? Ha! I like that one. The Dirtiest Dave this side of Porthos?”

The level 99 weapons dealer grins at the goblin and the smile of the tattoo across his chest thins. “Dave, just call me Dave. Now, I know the six of you have a dungeon to get to, so I will make this quick.”

“Just let me get my checkbook out.” A quill pen appears in one hand and a binder of partially filled out company checks in FeeTwix’s other arm. The phrase Mitherfickers LLC is written in golden letters on the front cover.

“No need,” Dave says, “your items have already been paid for by the Knights of Non Compos Mentis.”

“So that rude biotch Sophia has finally come through with her promise,” Hiccup says. “I was fickin’ wondering when the Knights would hook us the fick up.”

“Quiet, goblin, have some respect for their guild,” Liz hisses.

“The ninja killer dude seems cool enough, as did the faun. Sophia was a hell no.”

Dirty Dave laughs. “I’ve had my run-ins with Sophia as well. She is a necessary evil…” The famed weapons dealer runs his hand along his chin. “As are many evils, if you think about it.”

Hiccup claps his hands together. “I couldn’t agree more, Dave. Now, I’m not going to say something like gimme, gimme, gimme, but, fick, I’m ready for my present, Santa!”

Damn, goblin. Ryuk glares at Hiccup, who continues to rub his hands together. It doesn’t take long for his glare to twist up into a half-smile. The goblin, while generally obnoxious, does grow on you. But so do warts.

As Ryuk tries to remember where he heard that, possibly from Hiccup himself, an ax drops down from the ceiling and slices into the countertop.

“Fick!”

Dirty Dave smiles. “Fick is right, Hiccup. To go along with your golden helm, which you still wear, correct?”

“Always!” The golden helm appears on Hiccup’s misshapen head. “And disregard whatever Marbles wrote in his LiveJournal about it, whatever the fick that emo poofty thing is. Fick. Where was I?”

FeeTwix taps on his head and Hiccup picks up the cue. “Yep! My helm. Always have it on, rain or shine, crazed Thulean or semi-sexy Mexican elf with red hot ojos.”

“Where did you learn the word ojos?”

“Fick if I know. I just somehow speak Spanish. Could be the fact that my parents are from El Salvador. Kidding.”

Enway crosses her arms over her chest as she raises an eyebrow at the goblin, an eyebrow he can’t see, as he’s front and center now, still rubbing his grubby paws together as he looks the ax over.

“This is a genuine Gilius Thunderhead Ax,” says Dirty Dave. “It will greatly improve your chance for a critical hit. While it has electric powers, because you aren’t a magic caster, that aspect of the weapon doesn’t work. However, simply equipping it will lower the damage you take from a magic attack.”

The silver, double-bitted ax is huge, nearly half Hiccup’s size.

As he takes it off the counter, the goblin gets into a battle pose and practices a few swipes holding the ax with both hands. “Fick yeah! A little heavy, and I won’t be able to use a shield with it, but fick yeah, Davey Boy. You done hooked a brother up again!”

“I’m glad you enjoy it.” As he says this, the tattooed skull on Dave’s chest bares its sharp teeth.

Hiccup eyes him funny. “Welp, that’s creepy as fick. As much as I’d like to stick around and look at your heroine-chic chest, Dave, someone has to eat your barbeque, and that someone is me. FeeTwix, rupees.”

“No need,” says Dirty Dave, “I will bill the Knights.”

“Fick to the yeah. In that case, I’ll double my order. See you kiddos in a bitto.” Hiccup tosses the ax over his shoulder, heads to the door, and kicks it open.

“The air is noticeably cleaner,” Zaena says as soon as he’s gone.

Enway nods in agreement. “It totally is.”

“You guys are too harsh,” says FeeTwix. “Then again, I’ve just learned to breathe out of my mouth when he-who-shall-not-be-named is present.”

“Moving right along,” Dirty Dave says, his eyes and the eyes of his chest tattoo narrowing at Zaena, “I believe the Thulean princess has a gift in store.”

“You knew all along,” Ryuk asks. “Sorry, dumb question.”

“Yes, I knew all along.” He clears his throat. “And there are more things I know that will be revealed to you at the proper place and time. Anyway, some new armor is in store for the tank of the group.”

“Hiccup’s not the tank?” FeeTwix asks.

Dirty Dave considers this. “I suppose he can take the most damage, given his shields. In that case, I’d say your group has two tanks, one for defense and the other for offense, which would be you, Princess Zaena.”

“Please, just Zaena.”

“As you wish,” Dave whispers. With the snap of his finger, a female mannequin decked out in armor appears. The armor is form-fitting, the tasset almost skirt-like and inlaid with incredibly tiny jewels.

“It is a work of art,” says Zaena. “It wasn’t designed by anyone from this world, was it?”

“You are correct. It was designed by Olivas, a Unigaean immigrant who still creates pieces from time to time. I believe one of the reasons it is such a fine piece is because he originally designed it for an illusionist named Sam Raid, who was one of the great leaders of Unigaea. She died before he could have the piece delivered, and when Oric, your guildmate, brought the Unigaeans here, Olivas carried the piece with him.”

“Oric brought them here?” Enway asks, looking to Wolf. “He never mentioned that.”

“There is quite a bit Oric hasn’t told you, but yes, it would have been six years ago in your world that he brought the Unigaeans. But that is a tale for another day. Care to try the piece on?”

A room divider pixelates into existence in front of the armor.

“We’ll close our eyes.” Dirty Dave’s eyes and the eyes of the skull on his chest tattoo cement shut as Zaena steps behind the curtain.

She emerges a few moments later with the new armor. As she takes it in, Ryuk pulls up her main stats to see that her defense has increased by a hundred points.

Zaena Morozon Level 23 Brawler Assassin

HP: 915/915

ATK: 228

MATK: 10

DEF: 225

MDF: 47

LUCK: 24

“I love it,” Zaena says softly. “It is an absolute specimen.”

“Damn, babe, you look hella great!”

FeeTwix opens his arms wide and Zaena approaches him. She stops before him, her hands on her hips, and with a deep breath in, she collapses into his arms. He catches her, leans her back and kisses her.

FeeTwix pulls back a little after she bites at his kiss.

“Ha! Careful!”

“There are people around,” she reminds him.

“You’re the one who fell into my arms, not the other way around.”

“Now,” Dave says, “I don’t have anything for you, Enway, but the book Lothar has given you and your new avatar should keep you entertained for a while. That leaves two more members, and a big Tagvornin wolf. For Wolf, all I can offer is some of the best steak I’ve ever had the pleasure of tasting.”

A platter materializes into shape on the floor. The top lifts; Wolf runs over to it and digs in.

“That leaves you two,” Dave says to FeeTwix and Ryuk. “We’ll begin with FeeTwix, as I’d like to save the best for last.”

(0)__(x)

“What do you get the man that has everything?” Dave asks, his hands now behind his back.

“That’s the same question I ask myself every year on my birthday,” says FeeTwix.

“Guns, blades, explosives – you can get any of that through your extensive network of fans.”

“Correct.”

“But there is a weapon not available to most weapon owners, namely because I invented it and I’ve kept its distribution network very narrow.”

“Go on…” the Swede says, his eyes lighting up.

“It was a weapon your hero Quantum Hughes once used.”

Zaena scoffs.

“Not to defeat your sister,” Dirty Dave says, “but to destroy Steam Enforcers. It is called the Almost Universal Solvent hose gun, or AUS hose gun.”

Dave taps his long nail on the table and a brass reservoir with a backpack strap appears on the table. A cable connects the reservoir to a nozzle, similar to the way a firehose operates.

“Another little hack I added is within the reservoir itself. It never, and I mean never, runs out.”

“And you just pull the trigger?”

“Correct.”

“Let me show you how it works.”

A heavily armored warrior appears in a flash of smoke. Carrying two broadswords, he gets into a battle pose and charges Dirty Dave. Without strapping the reservoir to his back, Dave simply turns the hose’s nozzle towards the towering warrior.

A pixilated liquid steams out of the gun.

As soon as it reaches the warrior’s body his armor melts away, followed by his flesh and bones. He screams in agony until he has completely dissolved into a puddle of steaming blood and fleshy discharges.

“Yes, yes, yes, and yes! Yes! Yes. Double fuck yes. I will take it!” FeeTwix practically hops into the shoulder strap.

He adjusts the weight of the reservoir over his shoulder, and before he can comment on its awkward placement, Dirty Dave shows him how to hold it so that he can pretty much, like an over-the-shoulder pump sprayer, hose down anything in a two to three meter vicinity.

Enway laughs. “You’re like a rich boy at his birthday party.”

“Hell yes, I am.” FeeTwix pretend-sprays the counter. He pivots, and turns to spray the wall. “I am going to fick some shit up with this thing, Dirty Dave.”

“I’m glad I can aid in the, um, ficking up of shit. Now, last but not least, Ryuk.”

“Me?” Ryuk gulps. He knows Dave probably has a pretty good weapon in store for him, but he has no earthly idea of what it could be.

“Everyone follow me into my shooting range.”

“Your … Oh, I see it now,” FeeTwix says as the back wall elongates, adding about ten meters of space to the room.

As if he were holding it all this time, Dirty Dave now has a shotgun featuring a revolving cylinder. The recoil pad has been modified to provide extra cushion, and the front grip is encased in leather.

“That thing shoots marbles?” Zaena asks. “It looks like…”

“It looks like something I’d use to take on an army of zombies,” says FeeTwix.

“Its design is based on the Armsel Striker, a 12-gauge shotgun with a revolving cylinder designed for riot control. It’s easy to load. Rotate it, drop a marble in. Two full revolutions and you have yourself twenty-four available shots. I recommend loading it with similar marbles, i.e. all explosive or all sword, but a mix would could also come in handy. The molten and explosive mix you’ve been doing would be especially brutal.”

“I’ve received a new marble since we last met,” Ryuk says as he steps over to Dirty Dave. “A gravity marble.”

“I wouldn’t put that, nor would I put your clear marbles in here.” Dave considers what he just said. “Although, that last one could be interesting.”

The infamous weapons dealer demonstrates how to hold the weapon. After he’s pointed it away from the Mitherfickers, he squeezes the trigger, which produces two clicks.

“The first click is the cylinder rotating and the second click is the ammo dropping. Anyway, load it up.”

He hands the weapon to Ryuk and the Ballistics Mage quickly figures out how to use the weapon.

It is relatively straightforward.

After hitting a small lever, he starts dropping marbles into the loading port, this time going with all black explosive marbles. Less than a minute later, he’s fully loaded.

“And then I just squeeze the trigger?”

“Yep. I keep things simple. I know your marble gun is triggerless and uses algomagic, but I’m a trigger guy. Squeeze and boom.”

A bag of popcorn appears in FeeTwix’s hand. “I can’t wait to see this,” he says as he starts funneling popcorn into his mouth. A few pieces float into the air as Zaena uses her ghost limbs to sample the off-world food.

“This is great!” she says as she stuffs more into her mouth.

Woosh! Woosh! Woosh!

Three targets pop up in the firing range.

Click-click. BOOM! Click-click. BOOM! Click-click. BOOM!

The explosions obliterate the three targets.

“That’s amazing!” FeeTwix says, popcorn dropping out of his mouth.

“You’re a natural, kid,” says Dirty Dave, a satisfied grin on his face and the face of his chest tattoo. His eyes narrow. “Now, finish the round.”

A dozen live imps drop from the ceiling and Ryuk lays them all out.

Insta-Insta-Insta-Insta-Instakill!

“Whoo-hoo!” FeeTwix shouts.

A live orc, a few heads taller than Zaena, rises from the ground. He flexes his muscles and roars.

Instakill!

Ryuk puts the fucker down before he can take another step.

“There is one last thing,” Dirty Dave says as he extends his arm and turns his palm around. “Your guild needs to level, and unfortunately, the ray gun I had in Aramis is malfunctioning. Therefore, I’ve turned to narcotics.”

Five bullet-sized pills now sit in his open palm. They are blue with a white stripe through their centers.

“What do they do?” Enway asks.

“They are leveling pills. Very rare, and very addictive. They decrease the experience points needed to level up by sixty percent. They will only last for the next two hours, so eat them when you get to the dungeon.”

.11. Dungeons and Goblins

“I really wish I had kept that collar on him,” says FeeTwix as the Mitherfickers leave Dirty Dave’s Weapons Emporium. The Swede was referring to the collar he’d placed on Hiccup at the DJ Ride the Lightning concert, a collar which instantly dragged the goblin back to FeeTwix, no matter how far away he was.

His Marble Shotgun attached to a shoulder strap and now at his hip, Ryuk looks just about as badass as a Ballistics Mage can possibly look. The canister fully loaded, mostly with explosive marbles but a few sword marbles just for shiggles, Ryuk is as ready for business as he’ll ever be.

Unfortunately, without the goblin, the Mitherfickers are incomplete. And while they may normally go to the dungeon without him, a goblin dungeon is a whole ‘nother story, and Hiccup’s expertise should come in handy. “I could clear the air.” He points the muzzle of his Marble Shotgun at the sky.

“That could work,” says FeeTwix.

“It could also bring the authorities,” Enway chimes in. “I don’t know what type of authorities there are in Bluwid, but I have a feeling doing a little Arabic wedding celebration is one surefire way, pun intended, to bring them. Then again…”

“It is a goblin shithole, I agree,” says Zaena. “I know what we’ll do. FeeTwix, dear, please release your drone.”

“Release the drones!”

She smiles at him. “And once you spot his pink topknot in the crowd, hover over him and I’ll send my limbs in.”

“Excellent idea.”

“Wait,” says Ryuk as he notices more goblins getting in line. “You guys actually think he’s in line.”

“It hasn’t been that long,” the Thulean princess says.

“Yeah, but he’s Hiccup.”

Zaena nods. “And Hiccup would never wait in line when there is free food to be had somewhere else. Good point, Ryuk. Let’s check the back of the restaurant.”

“Are we talking dumpster diving here?” Enway asks as the Mitherfickers and Wolf step into the alley separating DD’s BBQ from a barred up pawn shop next door.

“I will release the drone anyway!” FeeTwix’s sticks his finger in the air just as a drone appears. It lifts off, and quickly clears the top of the building. “Just a little further.”

His half-formed Reaper skull takes shape on his head, handshakes with the drone, and soon, FeeTwix announces his discovery.

“Luckily for us, murder is legal in Bluwid!”

“Jatla blantakh trek tata ganakh blotae suutakh,” Zaena laments as she turns the corner to find Hiccup sitting on an overturned crate, a pair of teenage goblins before him, knife wounds in their backs.

“Fick!” He spits a dragon wing out as soon as he sees the Thulean. Naturally, she dodges the projectile, and it just so happens to smack Ryuk in the face.

“Dammit, Hiccup!”

“Ha! Fick, kid, my bad. And Liz, did you just call me a dirty goblin with tits filled with sour milk?” Hiccup snorts. “That’s fickin’ one of the cruelest ones you’ve come up with yet! I’ll have to totally, totally, use that on Spew Gorge next time I see him. I told you all he’s technically my son, didn’t I?” Hiccup asks with his mouth full.

Enway gasps. “You murdered these young goblins and…stole their food?”

“Who fickin’ died and made you the morality police? Oh wait, they did. Fick yes I robbed these little ankle-biters fair and square. Any goblin with a half-ounce of brain matter knows better than to eat barbeque in a Bluwid back alley. There’s loads of gentrification here, Elfy, and one can never be too safe. Me? I’m all about gentrification, as long as I’m not the one forced out by high rent prices.”

FeeTwix’s drone lands and he returns it to his list. “Wish I could have used you longer, buddy,” he tells the device.

“So, we ready?” Hiccup hops down from the crate and burps. Nursing his lower back as he picks up his new Gilius Thunderhead Axe, which he has set sideways across a trashcan. “Besides, I had to test this shit out.” He burps again. “Fick, never eat dragon wings two at a time, kiddos.”

“I hate you.”

“Yeah, Liz? Well, I hate you, you hate me, we’re a happy family. And fick, did Dave give you some new duds? You look fine as a lizard can look!”

Zaena’s angry glare softens. “He did. Do you like them?”

“Do I like them? Fick yes, I do. I’d hate to see the kind of stuff Twixy’s fans do when they watch his feed.”

“This way,” FeeTwix says, instead of engaging the goblin.

“Well, at least let me clean my fickin’ paws.” Hiccup slowly bends over and wipes his filthy, dragon wingy hands onto one of the dead goblin’s tunics. The process of standing squeezes a small juicy squeak from the goblin’s nethercheeks, which he quickly blames on Wolf.

“Just this way, I believe,” FeeTwix says as they exit the alley at its northeastern entrance. His eyes turn black. “I’m back everyone, just in time to tell you about an exclusive offer from McStarbucks! Ever heard of overpriced coffee? Of course you have, but you’ve never heard anyone complaining about McStarbucks selling overpriced coffee. Sure, they’re basically charging you eight to ten dollars for a few centimeters of milk and a couple inches of condensed coffee, but you’ve never been the type to question your retail overlords, and that’s why I, for one, welcome McStarbucks’ newest item, the Happy Latte McMuffin!”

“That sounds interesting,” Zaena says as she hooks her hand around FeeTwix’s arm.

Hiccup elbows up next to Ryuk. “What do you want, Hiccup?”

“Easy, kid, just checking to see what Dirty D hooked you up with. Tell me he gave you a pair of truck nuts to hang from your lady choop.”

“He gave me a shotgun,” Ryuk says, unaware of the term ‘truck nuts.’

“Whatever happened to gun laws in Tritania? That shit doesn’t have a bump stock, does it? I’ve been writing my congressgoblin ever since I met that vain Swede: we need stricter gun laws here, believe you me.”

He places two mechanical fingers in his mouth and whistles. “Wolfy, I need you.” Wolf approaches and Hiccup climbs on. “There, that’s better. Need to save my stamina for the fight.”

FeeTwix finishes his ad read just about the time the Mitherfickers reach a narrow lane. Health code violations disguised as restaurants line the right hand side of the street; tchotchke shops and secondhand stores the other.

Goblins seem to like a wide variety of collectables and used items, which may partially explain Hiccup’s constant looting.

Enway stops in front of one of the thrift stores. “There’s always something interesting in Bluwid,” she tells Ryuk.

“I believe that.”

“And that, everyone, is what I call a dungeon.” FeeTwix nods to a two-story building on a hill. Lit by torches, the building is made of yellow and gray bricks. While it isn’t very tall, it is exceedingly large, easily the length and width of an entire city block.

“What’s the plan?” Zaena asks, her chest inflating as she takes the lead. “The more goblins killed, the better.”

“Hey!” Hiccup shrugs. “Actually, you’re right. Less goblins equal more poontang, loot, healing potions, and glory for me. I’m with Liz, let’s kill us some fickboys!” The goblin points his finger at the dungeon and Wolf charges.

“Hiccup!” Ryuk clenches his fist as the goblin and the wolf continue up the hill.

“Looks like we have a classic Mitherfickers plan here,” says FeeTwix.

“What’s that again?” Enway asks, unable to hide the skepticism in her voice.

“Kick ass, and then take names! Babe, can you hand out the leveling pills Dave gave us?”

FeeTwix takes his pill and the others lift into the air, each finding their recipient.

“It’s too big to swallow,” Ryuk says as he judges the size of the blue pill.

“That’s what healing potions are for.” FeeTwix pops his pill in and takes a sip from a fresh potion. He passes the potion to Zaena, who does the same before passing it to Enway, who passes it to Ryuk.

Once the pills are ingested, FeeTwix takes the lead. “Let’s go, and please, give the goblin his pill once we catch up to him!”

(0)__(0)

Hiccup has already started the first fight by the time the Mitherfickers reach him. The sky above them is dark, the battle lit by torches and interrupted by the shadows of passing foes.

Now dismounted from Wolf, the goblin swings his big axe, both hands gripped tightly around the handle.

Instakill!

The head of a robed goblin sprays right just as Wolf leaps into the air to catch it. He lands, and starts whipping the head left and right.

“Fick, Wolfy, I already killed that one!”

“Goblin, eat your pill!”

“Pill?” Hiccup calls over his shoulder.

“From your hero, Dave.”

“He is my hero, and I’ll take just about any pill he gives me.” Hiccup rolls his neck back and opens his big mouth. “Toss it in, Liz.” He gulps as soon as Zaena uses her ghost limb to transfer the pill over to his hungry mouth. She drops it; he swallows the pill without the help of a potion. “Fick yeah.”

“Don’t expect me to ever do that again.”

“Come on, Liz, you fickin’ liked it and you know it!”

FeeTwix springs right into action with his new AUS hose gun. The metal canister on his back, he hoses down a horde of goblins approaching from the western gate.

Insta-Insta-Instakill!

The ones that aren’t hit start freaking out.

“Fick! Fick!”

“Yoy!”

“Fick, yoy, fick!”

Hiccup joins in the chorus of ficks. “Fick yeah, Twixy, fick those liddle fickered fickturds up! Red team, go! Blue team, go!”

Red team? Blue team? Ryuk looks around to try and figure out what the goblin is shouting about.

-232 HP! Critical hit!

Hiccup takes the arm off an especially muscular goblin just as a message appears on Ryuk’s pane of vision.

Hiccup: Marbles, fick me. You’re blue team because you’re emo. Elfy is red team because she has demon eyes. Red team, blue team, go. Get it?

“Fuck you, Hiccup!” Ryuk lays down a cluster of goblins now spilling out of the front of the shaman’s dungeon.

Click-click. BOOM! Click-click. BOOM!

“That’s the spirit kid…Yoooooy!” A robed goblin punches Hiccup in the stomach and sends the Mitherfickers’ loudest member flying backwards with an uppercut.

-69 HP!

Hiccup gets his bearings as he stands, his legs wide. “Ha! Sixty-nine, fickers! I’ve been waiting for someone to get that number…shit! Shit, shit, shit! Front and center, Marbles, we got a fickin’ trojan horse coming out of the main gate. Elf, where the fick are you? Magic out the wazoo, pronto! Twixy, ballistics. Wolf, chomp, chomp!”

Ryuk hears the squeak of the wheels before he sees the large wooden horse tear out of the gate, a good ten goblins riding the wooden horse’s back and who knows how many of the fuckers inside.

Click-click. BOOM! Click-click. BOOM! Click-click. BOOM! Click-click. BOOM!

Splinters of wood mixed with bits of flesh tear away from the wooden horse as Ryuk unloads his entire cylinder of black and sword marbles at the odd goblin transport.

Insta-Instakill!

Zaena launches into action.

With a one armed front flip to boost herself forward, she springboards and hits the air, coming down blades a-spinning like a damn helicopter crash.

Imagine the sharpest ceiling fan in the world coming loose and falling onto a tightly packed barnyard full of angry, snorting pigs. The red “instakills” that appear on Ryuk’s vision pane are too many to count, unsettling to say the least.

Zaena lands on the horse, balances on it like a surfboard, and then backflips to the ground, just in time to greet the goblins funneling out of its ass.

Snarling, Wolf drags a goblin across the battlefield and quickly rips his throat out.

Instakill!

“Fick that bitch up, Wolfy!”

For his part, FeeTwix has equipped a croquet mallet, which he uses to knock the living goblin out of any Bluwid local who dares approach.

-46 HP! -29 HP! -58 HP!

“That’s right everybody, three point five million viewers! Tell your friends, family members, enemies, frenemies, queens, kings, and failed government leaders! Tell your doctors, lawyers, baristas, soldiers, and law enforcement officers. If we reach four mil by the end of this, I’m doing one big ass giveaway!”

Taking cover now so he can reload his Marble Shotgun, Ryuk catches Enway shift in and out of time.

One moment she’s here, the next moment she’s somewhere else, zig-zagging her way to the back of the battle. Once she’s there, she slips into a shadow cast from an open door.

Ryuk sees the glint of her hourglass necklace, and as it glows, a mist of pink magic falls over a troupe of goblins tearing out of the open gate.

The “ficks” and “yoys” that follow are almost too much to bear.

His Magic Eye skill activated, Ryuk can tell that Enway has cast some type of algomagic, which usually affects the psyche. It’s once the goblins start killing each other that he comes to the quick realization that this isn’t your ordinary spell.

Ryuk: What did you just cast?

Enway: Arcane Tide. It forces the enemy to relive a traumatic experience and can cause madness.

“Fick, that’s some seriously psycho shit right there, Elfy.” Hiccup says as he pulls a healing potion out of thin air. He takes a swig from it, waits a moment, and once a female goblin separates from the fray, he domes her with the empty potion bottle.

Instakill!

“Fick yeah, level up, baby. Anybody else feeling that golden shower of levels raining from above?”

“I got a level up,” Enway says, a big smile on her face as her hourglass necklace recharges, the sand falling in the opposite direction now.

“Golden shower? What in the fick are you talking about?” a fat goblin, who has just arrived on the scene, screams.

“Fick you, fatty!” is Hiccup’s reply.

“You’re fatter than I am you two-ton, pink-haired, humpty dumpty fickcake!”

“Humpty dumpty fickcake?” Hiccup snarls. “Marbles, put a cap in his candy fickered ass!”

Click-click. BOOM! Click-click. BOOM!

Instakill!

Ryuk sends the fat goblin flying backwards, a hole the size of a basketball where his center mass used to be.

“Fick yeah plus one! Marbles, I take back all the nasty things I said, especially the part about attaching a pair of truck nuts to your female choop.” The goblin looks around. “Now, where were we? That’s right. The gates are open, Mitherfickers, let’s get in there, fillet some Jonestown fickboys, get us some mad loot, and grab the runestone while we’re at it!”

FeeTwix knocks the crap out of a goblin with his croquet mallet. “Hell yes!”

“Aye! Aye! Aye!” Zaena shouts, all four blades in the air.

“That’s the idea, Liz,” Hiccup says as Wolf pulls up to his side, his maw wet with blood. “Now, Twixy – potion me, pronto; Marbles – reload your shooty thing and no funny business when we’re inside; Enway – stop looking at me with your Exorcist eyes; Liz – slice and dice, you know the drill; Wolf – you’d better bring me back some goblin throats. Let’s do this!”

(0)__(x)

The Mitherfickers quickly clear out the dungeon entrance, putting a dozen more goblins in early graves and leaving their trojan horse in flames. Everyone has gained a level now, and Ryuk suspects they’ll gain several more as they make their way through the dungeon.

It has been relatively straightforward so far, without a lot of routes to take. This changes when they hit a trapdoor and the six fall several stories down.

“Yoy!” Hiccup rolls sideways and decompresses by airing his grievances, which instantly muck up the already foul air of the deep hole.

“Boombakh toll.”

Hiccup chortles. “An elephant anus, huh? You sure are creative for a princess. Most I’ve met had a silver spoon up their toll.”

“I’m curious, how many princesses have you met, goblin?” Zaena has not only saved herself from the fall, she also used her ghost limbs to save FeeTwix, who now stands by her side in his sleeveless overcoat.

“Let me see,” Hiccup says as he gets to his feet. “You, Ryuk, and the Empress.”

“Baka,” Ryuk whispers as he sits up.

“I don’t speak Chinese, kid, but I do love me some spicy Asian dragon wings. Shit is yum in my tum.”

Ryuk gets the urge to pistol whip the goblin but he’s instantly calmed by Enway’s cool touch. The chromatic mage helps him up and dusts his shoulder off. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” His dream armor took the brunt of the fall, easing his landing.

“So cute, you two, really. But what is a well-endowed, stable genius like myself to do? Let’s get back to the top of the dungeon before the shaman’s followers start tossing shit onto us. And by shit, I mean ‘feces.’ Most of what Liz says about goblins is true: they are dirty fickers.”

A headlamp now on his head and casting a bluish cone of light, FeeTwix quickly finds an exit point from the hole they’ve fallen down. To reach it, Ryuk goes for his gravity marble, the Swede his steam boots, and Zaena her limbs, which of course leaves Enway, Hiccup and Wolf still at the bottom of the hole.

“Not to worry, guildmates!” FeeTwix rolls out a ladder, which Enway climbs with relative ease.

“How the fick is that supposed to help your four-legged friends down here?” Hiccup calls up to them.

“The goblin doesn’t have four legs,” Zaena comments matter-of-factly, “but for once, I do see his point: he would either destroy your ladder or overexert himself by climbing up.”

“Good point, babe,” FeeTwix says as he looks over the edge into the hole.

“I can hear people talking up there, but no one is tossing me down a ghost limb, cough, cough, hint, hint, Liz.”

Zaena looks to FeeTwix and cringes.

“I have some hand sanitizer,” Enway offers.

“Fine. I will touch him. But if he says anything remotely sensual I will drop him, and we will finally be rid of the goblin.”

Wolf barks and Ryuk hears his paws scuffling at the bottom of the hole. The Ballistics Mage looks down and his Extreme Focus skill kicks into high gear, illuminating the trapped space.

When his Magic Eye skill kicks in, he notices that there are a few rocks illuminated in green algomagic.

Strange, he thinks, as Zaena lugs the goblin up.

“Careful, Liz, I’m fickin’ ticklish and I can be held responsible for what I do if I’m tickled.”

When she gets Hiccup over the platform, the Thulean is sure to drop him in a way that adds insult to injury.

“Yoy!” He grabs his knee. “I think it’s broken, Twixy, better hit me with a potion.”

“You’ve had too many potions, Hiccup.”

“Oh, so you’re my doctor now?” The goblin moans as he gets to his feet. “That’s right, I guess you are my doctor, seeing as how Marbles here doesn’t provided healthcare to his employees.”

“Quiet, goblin, before I toss you back into the hole. How should I lift Wolf?” Zaena asks FeeTwix.

“Well, I have a doggy harness, but that’s for the pooch I had back in Dead City. Um … how about a blanket? I have a fire blanket that you could wrap around him.”

“This isn’t some sort of culturally inappropriate remake of Pocahontas, Twixy. Just grab him by the belly, Liz. He’s a dog, treat him like one.”

Pocahontas? What in the hell is the goblin talking about? Ryuk glances at Enway and they both shrug at the same time. He’s the first to laugh, and soon, she’s laughing alongside him.

This brings a big smile to the goblin’s face.

“You finally get my joke, don’t you, Marbles?” He sniffles. “Fick me to tears, I’ve never felt so honored.”

“Um, yeah, sure. I get your joke, Hiccup. Sure.”

Enway laughs again. “You’re clearly the funniest member here.”

By the time Hiccup gets done fake crying and thanking the Academy for nominating him, FeeTwix and Zaena have gone with FeeTwix’s idea and used the blanket to get Wolf to the platform.

Ryuk looks down into the hole one more time and sees the wall accented by green algomagic.

Something is in there, he thinks, but instead of telling the others, he lets FeeTwix take the lead.

“Let’s get back to the top,” says the Swede, the beam of blue light still on his head. The Mitherfickers make their way up a winding passage and come out a side door just behind the dungeon’s main gate.

Ryuk surveys the bodies of the dead goblins and shudders, there are a lot of them and he has a feeling that come morning, the sight of this many goblins will attract attention.

A creaking sound nearly causes Hiccup to leap into Ryuk’s arms. “Marbles, did you hear that?” the short goblin asks as he pulls at his sleeve. “The place may be fickin’ haunted.” The goblin whispers something in Thulean.

“Your prayers won’t work against ghosts,” Zaena says as she walks past him, her hips swaying. It is still strikes Ryuk as odd to see the Thulean next to Hiccup, her grace versus his sloppy disarray. Even now, one pant leg is half tucked into his boot, there are dark stains on the back of his tunic, his chainmail is too tight, and while he does wear his golden helm, it’s tilted sideways, almost to the point of falling off his head.

Hiccup is just about to rant when Ryuk steps on a creaky stone. The goblin jumps around and nearly punches Ryuk in the face.

“Marbles! Fick, kid, I almost KO’d your ass. Careful, bro.”

“Bro?” Ryuk asks, instantly reminded of Kodai. Before he can say anything else to the goblin, a wall opens up behind them and a dozen orcs and orclins storm out.

The heavily armored fuckers are armed to the teeth and raring to go. Their leader, an orc with a side ponytail, is the only one that speaks.

“Your appointment with Sugar Spur is cancelled,” he says with a snarl. The orcs around him cheer and clink their weapons together.

Hiccup snorts and looks around at his guildmates. “Yeah, yeah, what the fick ever. Say, Marbles, got anything to say to Chester the sheep molester over here?”

Ryuk lifts his Marble Shotgun and points it at the leader. “How’s this?” he asks as squeezes the trigger.

Click-click. BOOM!

(0)__(x)

Wolf takes down an orclin and goes straight for the guy’s face, ripping it to shreds as the orclin tries to beat him off.

Click-click. BOOM! Click-click. BOOM!

-122 HP! -38 HP! -87 HP! -44 HP!

Ryuk lays down some cover fire as Zaena spins into action to protect Wolf from the orclins that have descended upon him.

“Say hello to my little friend!” FeeTwix shouts, a tommy gun in his hand.

Brrrat! Brrrat! Brrrat!

-8 HP! 6 HP! 7 HP!  5 HP! 30 HP! 9 HP!

“Did I already use that catchphrase? Oh well!” A wild look in his eyes, the Swede continues spraying a cloud of metal unhappiness at the orcs, who are all trying to scatter yet who have also found themselves in a fatal funnel.

FeeTwix drops to a knee, takes a swig from a healing potion and throws to Hiccup, who catches it, takes a huge chug from it, tosses it over his shoulder, and cracks the living shit out of an orc with his tomahawk.

Instakill!

Brrrat! Brrrat! Brrrat!

The Swede fires quick bursts at his opponents. Once his mag is out, he tosses his weapon behind his shoulder and comes back with a Slice Bang, his eyes livestreaming the mayhem. “Holy fick everybody! Have you entered my bigass giveaway yet? Just how many ficks can a goblin say? Be sure to enter, and don’t forget…” He ducks a club and counterattacks with an incredible stab that cuts through an orc’s armor and brings him to the ground.

-219 HP! Critical hit!

“Whew! That was close. Don’t forget to tell everyone you know about the Mitherfickers’ live stream! Help make us the most popular guild in all of Tritania. Love you guys. Whoa!” FeeTwix bends backwards just in time to miss a swing from the orc leader. Unfortunately, he doesn’t miss a big, gnarled follow up fist from the orc.

The punch sends him straight to the ground.

The orc steps over the Swede, a wicked grin spreading across his scarred face. He brings his weapon overhead with both hands.

Zap!

A bolt of pink magic hits the orc and his weapon crumbles into dust, the sudden change in gravity throwing him off balance.

He falls next to FeeTwix and the Swede pulls the trigger of his Slice Bang.

Instakill!

“Thanks, Enway!”

Ryuk fires at a couple of orcs who have turned the other way.

-95 HP! -110 HP!

Level up!

He manages to get one in the back of his head, sending the orc face first onto the cold stone floor.

Propelled by the urge to loot, a bit of adrenaline, and as always, an ass blast of barbeque aftermath, Hiccup races over to the downed orc. He drops onto the orc, and using his toe knife, he stabs the orc repeatedly in the back until he’s covered in blood.

Instakill!

“Fick, that was fun.” Hiccup says, a wide grin forming on his face.

“Let’s finish them off,” Ryuk shouts to the others, confidence growing inside him. “Only a few more orcs left!”

.12. No One Want to Live Next to a Gangster

“You don’t have to join us for this trip, Walt,” Kodai tells the seasoned MercSecure rep. They have returned to the repair facility near Shinagawa to pick up Tesla, who now sits in the backseat of the aerosSUV in front of Kodai.

Kodai tries to hide his excitement in seeing her. She’s as beautiful as the day they first met, her features a blend of East and West, her body tight and her posture perfect.

“I believe I may be of use to you in whatever it is you plan to do next,” the mercenary says. “And you have my services until three. Normally, since you have adequate protection, I’d call it a day. But I must admit, I’m intrigued.”

“You don’t even know what it is I’m planning to do,” Kodai tells Walt.

“From context clues, I’ve concluded that it has to do with a rival. Tesla is solid, and you don’t really need the men who are in the vehicle behind us. But if you do need any additional manpower, like I said, my services have already been paid for.”

Kodai considers this for a moment as he looks Tesla over. She continues to intrigue him, and soon, he’ll act on this intrigue. But for now, there are things that need to be accomplished, including hitting Gintoki where it hurts.

It was only yesterday that Gintoki attacked Kodai’s bar, killing a good many of his employees, including Sarah the Australian.

“Fine,” Kodai tells Walt, “you can come. Sync with Tesla to get the details of the assignment. I’d like to have a moment to reflect on how I’d like to handle things once we get into the compound.”

“You’ve got it.”

The aerosSUV lifts into the air, snow twirling past its windshield.

Walt, grizzled as ever in his MercSecure gear, closes his eyes as he gets the briefing from Tesla. Meanwhile, Kodai stares out the window, occasionally facing frontward to see Tesla, her beautiful face and her dilated black eyes.

She smiles at him on one of his glances and he smiles back. Because of the company in the vehicle, he quickly fires off a message over iNet.

Kodai: I am glad to see you are okay.

Tesla: I am just as glad to see you.

Kodai: You are?

Tesla: I am.

Kodai: Let’s discuss this later.

Tesla: Let’s.

He can’t help but grin at her as he turns back to the window, gazing out at the world class city.

Kodai knows damn well what he is going to do once he arrives at Gintoki’s place. The young crime lord is out for the day, checking on some of his businesses in Okinawa. This is the opportunity he has been waiting for.

Hit them where it hurts. Kodai’s father told him this once, while speaking to Kodai about best business practices, especially when it comes to dealing with hostile competition.

A smile spreads on Kodai’s face as he realizes just how well he’s following his late father’s business model.

Not five minutes later, the SUV lands on a quiet residential street in Setagaya, one of Tokyo’s biggest wards. Sangen-Jaya Station is a particularly well known location in the district, with its many shops, restaurants, and the fact that it leads directly to Shimokitazawa, a neighborhood that has become the vintage and indie fashion hub of Tokyo.

Even now, Kodai can hear the announcements from the train station near them, the small local train aimed at the Sangen-Jaya Station. While he notices the sound, he’s much more focused on the SUV that has landed before him.

Clad in black suits, four of his men get out and Walt quickly joins them.

There is no pointing, and there is no real indication what they may be up to, if one doesn’t consider their numbers.

The group moves towards a strikingly large home protected from the street by a stone wall and a gaudy torii gate inspired entrance.

It’s then that Kodai sees his other team, the group that has been staking out the place since last night. They’re already inside the complex, and once they’ve given the okay, Tesla speaks.

“They’re ready for us now,” she says.

“Good. Let’s handle this rapidly.”

Out of the vehicle now, Tesla opens Kodai’s door once two of his men have returned. The two form a perimeter around him, and alongside Tesla, they quickly slip into the residence.

It is a bigger show than Kodai would like to put on, but the neighbors have already been warned, and from his intel, Kodai has learned that the neighbors don’t like the fact Gintoki has a residence here anyway.

After all, no one wants to live next to a gangster.

(0)__(X)

Kodai passes Gintoki’s men. The ones that are still alive have been tied and gagged. They sit under a tree beside the driveway, their faces awash with fear.

“Handle them, Walt,” he tells the mercenary.

“Done.” Walt walks over to the first man and lifts his assault rifle. A suppressor has been placed on the receiving end, but it’s still a bit percussive as he tears the first one down. The second man tries to scream, falls sideways, and attempts to caterpillar crawl away.

Walt finishes him off and moves to the third man, who refuses to react yet who has a puddle of piss spreading across his pant legs.

Walt puts him down, and does the same to the last man, who’s already bleeding so badly that he barely registers he’s about to be shot.

“Are they ready for me?” he asks the thug named Yugio, who stands near the door, his hands crossed in front of his groin and a pistol in his left hand.

“They are.”

Kodai and Tesla pass into a grand foyer with a floor to ceiling painting of a Greek statue. From there, they head through the kitchen to a dining room area, where the table has been overturned.

Tied and gagged, sitting with her back to the table, is Gintoki’s wife, Fumi. She’s beautiful, with a fake rack, perfect skin, and long, white legs. In front of her are her two children, a boy and a girl, both tied.

“These are Gintoki’s children?” Kodai asks Yugio, who has now stepped into the dining room.

“Yes.”

“Good.” Kodai opens his palm toward Yugio, and once Tesla has placed a glove on his hand, he takes Yugio’s pistol.

He walks over to the boy, who has been tied so that he lies on his belly on the ground.

Bang!

Fumi screams out, her voice muffled by the gag as she watches the pool of blood form around her young son’s head.

“Fumi,” Kodai says, dropping before her.

To his right, Fumi’s daughter gives a muffled scream and kicks her feet against the ground.

“Fumi, Fumi, Fumi. You realize I had to do this, right? Gintoki came after me yesterday, in my place of business and I hate to admit this, but he nearly had me. I didn’t do anything to provoke this,” he lies. “And now, as you have painfully become aware of, I feel the urge to retaliate. Do you want to say something?”

She cries, her face puffy red, her mouth moving as she tries to spit the gag out.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you.”

She screams, her voice muffled.

“Since you won’t speak to me, I guess I’m going to have to kill your daughter too.”

Kodai stands and points the pistol at her daughter.

Bang!

Fumi shrieks until she’s hoarse. Kodai drops before her again and she tries to kick at him.

“You shouldn’t have done that.” He backhands her with his free hand and calls Yugio over. “Here,” he says, handing him the pistol. Kodai smiles once more at Fumi. “It was nice seeing you.”

With that, he stands and turns to the kitchen. Fumi shrieks again, kicking her feet against the stone floor.

“And what do you want me to do with Fumi, boss?” Yugio gulps. “Finish the job?”

Kodai places his hands behind his back and nods Yugio forward. “No, that’d be too easy. Have her placed in a coffin and delivered to Gintoki’s headquarters in Shinjuku. Make sure she’s alive. I’m serious about that part. That said, do whatever else you’d like with her.”

.13. Queen of the Rings

“Fick! Not another hole in the ground.”

“I think it’s the same hole,” FeeTwix says as he dusts his pants off.

“I’m getting that same feeling too.” His head still spinning, Ryuk sits up and massages his temples for a moment. The guild’s stats appear, and Ryuk notices that even Wolf has gained a level.

Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 25 Ballistics Mage

HP: 848/967

ATK: 146

MATK: 189

DEF: 110

MDF: 83

LUCK: 24

FeeTwix Fajer Level 26 Berserker Mystic

HP: 1200/1284

ATK: 204

MATK: 36

DEF: 108

MDF: 63

LUCK: 28

Hiccup Level 22 Shield Thief

HP: 1345/1345

ATK: 125

MATK: 17

DEF: 268

MDF: 134

LUCK: 39

Zaena Morozon Level 25 Brawler Assassin

HP: 1017/1231

ATK: 251

MATK: 10

DEF: 229

MDF: 51

LUCK: 26

Enway Zoltan Rosa Level 24 Hourglass Mage

HP: 916/950

MANA: 494/555

ATK: 74

MATK: 167

DEF: 68

MDF: 178

LUCK: 23

Wolf Level 40

HP: 2221/2402

ATK: 699

MATK: 0

DEF: 534

MDF: 241

LUCK: 19

Again, he sees the subtle green outline of the rock wall before him. Zaena has already lifted herself out of the hole to the upper platform when Ryuk tells everyone to hold it for a moment.

“The wall is enchanted.”

“Marbles, I’ve had just about enough of your crazy talk. If the wall was enchanted, it’d have done something by now, you dumbass. This is the fifth. No sixth.”

“Seventh!” FeeTwix says.

“Eighth time we’ve fallen in this hole. Now I may be dumber than a pair of Jatlan bearadillo anus traps, but you Marbles, oh you. Poor kid,” Hiccup tells Zaena. “He’ll never be like the others.”

Ryuk shoulders past Hiccup, sending him to the ground.

“Ha! Kick his ass, Ryuk.”

“Hey! I thought you were on my side, Twixy!”

“Like a good parent, Hiccup, I don’t take sides.”

“Good parent my ass. Okay, that’s how we’re going to do this, huh? Fine. I’ll get the ‘secret enchanted door’ open, or whatever the fick Marbles is going on about. Ahem.” Hiccup kicks the wall. “Yoy!” He falls, and Wolf comes over to sniff him.

Enway laughs. “This guild…I don’t think I’ve ever been part of a guild that so eloquently puts the ‘fun’ in dysfunction.”

“It is mostly one member,” Zaena says as she touches the wall with her hands, and what Ryuk assumes are her ghost limbs. “Imagine if there weren’t a goblin in the guild. How successful would we be? It is a nice thought to entertain. How much more would we have accomplished? We’d probably have the third runestone by now.”

“The third runestone?” Hiccup laughs. “Liz, even for a princess, you are way too convinced of your own badassery. Let me be clear: I’m the glue that holds this guild together, the stilts that keep this shit-house up in a hurricane, the ficker in charge of scraping the snow off the driveway after a blizzard. And Marbles, next time you think it’s a promising idea to shove an elder, just remember that I know where you live, I know how to use a shiv, and I know how to get rid of a corpse.”

Ryuk sighs. “Good to know.”

Hiccup pounds his mechanical fist against the wall. “Open up! I fickin’ hate dungeons.”

“Everyone stand back.” His legs wide, FeeTwix hoists his favorite bazooka over his shoulder.

“Twixy, I swear to the Empress’ expertly crafted and perfectly maintained fun bags, if you shoot that damn thing off...”

“Relax, Hiccup, a little kablooey never hurt nobody.”

“I think it uses some type of magic spell to activate it,” Ryuk says as he goes for his slingshot. “We could try a clear marble.”

“Nope,” says the Swede. “Too much time wasted in this dungeon and I’m sick of killing orcs and goblins. Viewership is dropping. The fans want a boss battle! Hiccup, equip your biggest shield. Everyone else, get to the ledge up there and take cover.”

“What about Wolfy?”

“He can fit behind your shield.”

“I guess you’re right, Twixy.” Hiccup’s scutum appears in the air and drops onto the ground. “But I prefer the space to myself. Also, you have other types of explosives. Why the fick are you aiming a rocket launcher at a wall less than two meters away?”

“Because sometimes, Hiccup, a man has to take matters into his own hands. Actually. This is a horrible idea. Who has an idea for how we can open this door?”

“I already said I did, reveal door!”

Ryuk looses a clear marble. As soon as the clear marble touches the wall, a pink moss spreads from all directions. With the moss comes yellow and purple flowers, which bloom, release a floral scent, and die.

“Welp, that’s just about the poofiest thing I’ve seen all day, and I won’t mention the fact that it came from Marbles.”

“At least it cleared the air of your stench, Hiccup,” Ryuk bites back.

Zaena laughs hard at this. “It is actually refreshing for once!”

“Laugh it up, Liz,” Hiccup says, trying to hide how offended he is by turning away from the others and cursing under his breath.

“Just let me try again.” Ryuk loads another clear marble into the slingshot. “Reveal door!”

A Simple Request!

Skill level up!

Skill: A Simple Request

Level Five: 1 in 5.95 chance of a request being granted.

Caveat: Only works with a clear marble.

Requirements: LUCK > 15

The moss boils away releasing a fragrant scent that quickly turns sour. By the time the Mitherfickers are done coughing and Hiccup’s finished lamenting the rotten stench, a giant hole has formed in the wall, a faint light visible at its other end.

(0)__(0)

An assault rifle with a night vision scope in his hands, the Swede slips into the hole, ready for things to get rowdy at the drop of a hat. Zaena is next, followed by Enway and Ryuk. Hiccup scuttles in last, behind Wolf, whose tongue hangs out of his mouth as he walks.

“It’s nice having a dog in the group,” Hiccup says. “He’s quiet, and believe you me, I’m a fan of quiet fickers.”

With nobody commenting on his statement, Hiccup quickly runs out of things to say. He pops open a healing potion, takes a swig, burps, and mumbles about heartburn and cheap potions.

“Where do you think it leads?” Enway asks, after the Mitherfickers have walked for a few minutes.

FeeTwix’s maps don’t work down here, and from what Ryuk can tell, they seem to be spiraling downward. At least it feels like they are going deeper into the ground, mainly due to the change in temperature.

Wolf barks and zips around FeeTwix. His eye pressed to his night vision scope, FeeTwix tracks the big dog as he disappears around a corner. “I can send a drone,” he says. “You picking up anything, Ryuk?”

“No magical readings. Zaena? Do you sense anything?”

“Only that there have been more goblins in this hole than I’d care to admit.”

Hiccup nearly falls over laughing at that last line. “Liz, you make this shit way too easy!”

“What do you mean?” she hisses.

“Never mind, babe. Let’s just focus on getting out of this hole; it’s fickin’ terrible for live-streaming. What’s that? Ah, that’s right everyone! You can order items off the Old Banana Navy Gap Republic webstore from the deepest hole on planet Earth and still get a 15% off discount and twenty-five Old Banana Bucks to use for your next purchase by mentioning #FeeTwixRox at checkout! If you order now, you’ll get an exclusive Mitherfickers T-shirt featuring Hiccup’s two skulls deepthroating a sword design free with any purchase over a hundred bones. Wow, what a fantastic shirt! Did I mention I’ll be digitally signing the first fifty to go out? It’s the holy hole sale with prices practically at wholesale! #FeeTwixRox, people, you know what to fickin’ do.”

Hiccup burps and tosses his healing potion over his shoulder. “Twixy, first, fick you and the way you just polluted this hole with your bullshit. Second.”

“–I believe you’re the one with the polluted hole, goblin.”

“That was actually pretty good, Liz. Ha! Who knew Thuleans had a sense of humor. Crap. Where was I? Can’t remember. Wait. I got it. Something about not signing a merchandising agreement and having my attorney contact Old Banana Fick in the Box and FeeTwixRox LLC about royalties and other damages that come with having one’s IP exploited. FICK! Anyone feel that!?”

Ryuk definitely felt it. Although it had no aura, something magical just moved through the dark passage.

The hair on the back of his neck prickles; he naturally pulls his Marble Shotgun closer to his chest. Focusing as hard as he can, he now senses a faint green magic all around them.

Her red eyes flaring up, Enway raises her wand, and suddenly, time speeds up and the Mitherfickers are standing at the exit point to the cavern.

Wolf whimpers and scratches his paws against the ground. Hiccup lets loose a string of curses peppered with the putrid stench of nervous toots. Zaena pulls out all four of her blades.

FeeTwix gulps as he realizes how close he just came to firing a short burst of gunfire in Ryuk’s general direction. The Ballistics Mage gulps, an algomagic-laced aura filtering off his body.

“How...what just happened?” Zaena asked.

“Sorry,” Enway says hurriedly. “We needed to get out of there.”

“And what in? Where in the actual? FICK! I’m at a loss for words. Fick.” Hiccup sits down onto the ground, and rubs his temples.

“I cast Time Skip,” Enway says before he can curse any more. “I transported us forward in time to the natural exit point of wherever the hell we just were.”

“We can teleport?” FeeTwix asks. “Because if we can, I can finally get rid of my DeLorean. I never could get the damn flux capacitor to work.”

“The spell said that I needed to touch everyone to do it.”

“So that’s what that weird sensation was,” Ryuk says.

She nods. “It was an addition to the original spell. Whereas before, to cast Time Skip on a party, I think the Chromatic Mage had to touch whomever she wanted to transport. Now, I can just cast the spell and visualize who will go with me.” She shows them her hourglass necklace. “It’s regenerating much more slowly than normal, though, probably because of mana expenditure.”

“Okay, fine, I’m fine with that, but just fickin’ warn us next time. And another thing, why can’t you just Time Skip us to the end of the battle that’s coming? Because boy fick, I know there’s a battle coming.”

Enway bites her lip for a moment as she thinks. “The spell doesn’t take anything into account aside from the physical act of moving. It was probably a handicap put into place to prevent someone from just beating every monster on the continent.”

“Makes sense,” Zaena says, as they enter the main corridor.

The Thulean glances up at a red door with Thulean script cut into its surface.

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” FeeTwix asks, his free arm now around Ryuk’s shoulder. “Cause that looks like a door that leads straight to a boss battle, and you know how much I like boss battles. You want to take the lead here, or should I? You feel like giving a pep talk? My fans love our pep talks.”

“Please, go ahead,” Ryuk says, his Japanese politeness again making its presence known.

“Mitherfickin’ Mitherfickers and fans of the FeeTwixRox brand of entertainment products, listen up! Ryuk and I believe, based on absolutely no evidence aside from the fact that both of us are seasoned gamers, that whatever boss this goblin dungeon contains lies on the other side of that door. So, top off your health bars, equip your weapons, tell your friends to get back on the feed, and let’s get ready to do what the Mitherfickers were put in Tritania to do!”

“Don’t have to ask me twice,” Hiccup says, guzzling another potion and belching. “Fick yeah!”

Where does he keep getting these potions? Ryuk wonders as the goblin sticks his tongue into the bottle to get the very last drop.

“And to quote St. George of Carlin, or better yet, to paraphrase St. George of Carlin, boss battles are a zero sum game.”

Brrrrat!

The Swede fires a quick burst of gunfire into the ceiling, much to Hiccup’s dismay. “Let’s do this!”

“Aye! Aye! Aye!”

(0)__(x)

“We just came to talk,” Hiccup tells the female goblin in the center of the next room. Getting through the red door had been relatively pain free – it simply popped open when they approached it.

Sugar Spur Level 31

HP: 2400/2400

MANA: 856/856

ATK: 143

MATK: 331

DEF: 154

MDF: 192

LUCK: 17

The female shaman known as Sugar Spur sits midair with her legs crossed. The room is much larger than Ryuk anticipated it would be, easily forty meters across, and the walls are covered in tapestries depicting the famous goblin shaman in a variety of yogic poses.

She’s nude from the waist up, her black nipples pierced with golden rings. These rings match the rings hanging from her droopy earlobes, and they’re the exact same as the single ring jutting from her belly button, an outie, only accented more by the fact that she, like Hiccup, is a good thirty to forty kilos overweight.

“Lookin’ good too,” Hiccup says, turning the charm up. “I’ve seen a lot of goblins in my day, but none as fit and sensually robust as you, Sugar.”

She bares her teeth as her eyes start to roll into the back of her head.

“Hey, keep cool, Sugar, I’m just here to have a few troublesome chalupa warts removed. Also, and fick me if this isn’t the case, my Goblinheimer’s has been flaring up as of late. Heard you could handle that too. Hell, some days, I even forget to take a shit! Just a joke there, but seriously, it’s bad. Ask these fickers.” He tosses his mechanical thumb over his shoulder.

“I know what you’ve come for, goblin,” Sugar hisses. “You’ve come for my runestone!”

“Rune-what? Take a load off, Sugar, and cool floating technique, by the way. Never heard of a fickin’ runestone. For fick’s sake, I can barely remember my own name. Pretty sure it’s Spew Gorge, just in case you want to get revenge after … Twixy, go! Marbles, go! Liz, Elfy, go!”

FeeTwix and Ryuk, as they planned, lay down the heavy ordnance. FeeTwix has gone with a grenade launcher, Ryuk with his Marble Shotgun filled with explosive marbles.

Sure, they desperately need a new opening attack strategy, especially since the ‘Hiccup distracts them while we shoot them’ technique seems to be on the first page of the Mitherfickers’ playbook, but it works, and the explosions definitely add confusion to the fight.

Unfortunately, from what Ryuk can see, Sugar Spur hasn’t taken a lick of damage. In fact, when the smoke clears, she’s the same as she was at the start of the fight – floating midair, her legs crossed, a calm yet wicked smile across her pockmarked face.

“My turn,” she says, her voice suddenly piping out of every corner of the room.

Slats in the wall open and robed goblins pour in carrying a smorgasbord of weapons, from daggers to hammers to broomsticks.

The goblin shaman casts a spell that throws Enway and Zaena five meters back into a wall.

“Wolf, git over here!”

The big black wolf with blue-green eyes takes two running steps forward, and slides up next to Hiccup just in time for the goblin to hop on.

Once he’s secure, they take off towards the incoming goblins, and like a perfectly thrown bowling ball, Hiccup kicks off Wolf, his golden helm on his head as he dives forward, tucks, and rolls into the fray.

Wolf follows suit, tearing into the goblins and taking out a good many with his sheer size. As FeeTwix lays down more heavy ordnance, sending fireballs, dust, and detritus into the air, Ryuk drops, clicks open the revolving canister on his shotgun and quickly pops more black marbles in.

He comes up a few moments later, his Marble Gun in one hand, his Marble Shotgun in the other, the recoil pad pressed into the nook under his arm. If there were bonus attack points available for style alone, the Ballistics Mage would get it for his current pose, both weapons trained on Sugar Spur.

“I’ve got this, FeeTwix!”

Click, click. BOOM! Click, click. BOOM!

The rapid-fire marbles do as much if not more damage than FeeTwix’s camouflage-colored Milkor MGL.

Despite all the heavy firepower, and even as Hiccup and Wolf pretty much handle the goblins filing out of the walls, Sugar Spur is completely unaffected by Ryuk and FeeTwix’s attack.

Enway’s wand comes up and she fires a pink blast at Sugar Spur, a blast which fizzles out before it hits her.

“Bitch!” Zaena fires an arrow that strikes Sugar Spur directly between the eyes.

Critical hit!

Everyone stops and turns to the goblin shaman as a single trickle of blood drips down the bridge of her nose, over her lips, and stops at her chin.

The arrow pushes itself out, the wound heals up, and her eyes roll completely back in her head.

A portal opens up behind Sugar Spur and a pink blast of magic strikes her in the back of the head, nearly tossing her off her invisible perch. Ryuk looks to Enway and she gives him the thumbs up.

Delayed Strike, he thinks, having used a similar attack as a Ninja Warrior.

“She’s invincible to all our attacks,” Zaena shouts.

“We’ll see about that!” is FeeTwix’s reply as he equips the mutant hack Bowie knife given to him by Dirty Dave back in Aramis.

A panel on the opposite wall spins and more goblins tumble out. This group wears loose-fitting battle armor and holds Molotov cocktails, flames sparking at their tips.

“Fick!” Hiccup cries. “Suicide fickboys…Watch your choop, Marbles!”

Instakill! Instakill! Insta-Instakill!

Four of the suicide fickboys explode before they can reach the Mitherfickers, spraying the air with limbs, bits of armor, and gobs of flesh.

Watch my choop? Ryuk gets the notion to fire a sword marble at Hiccup, but is too distracted by the fat goblins holding explosives who are advancing towards him.

Wham!

-265 HP!

Ryuk is knocked sideways by a hammer.

Seeing stars, he tries to right himself only to be tossed backwards by an exploding suicide fickboy.

-112 HP! Critical hit!

A tingling sensation pulls him back from the brink. His eyes blink open to find Enway crouched before him, pink magic sprinkling from her wand and a warm smile on her face. She’s close enough now that he can see that the red tear drop on her head is pulsating.

+250 HP!

“That’s right,” he says as the tingling sensation continues to move through him. “You can still heal.”

“Speed Heal,” she says. “It’s pretty good, no?”

Fwhipp! Fwhipp! Fwhipp!

Insta-Insta-Instakill!

Zaena is due for the guild’s ‘Most Headshots in a Single Battle Award’ if they can ever get a hit in on Sugar Spur. The well-trained Thulean takes out suicide fickboys like she’s auditioning for a role as the White Death.

They keep falling, their bodies exploding and sending shrapnel, bone, and flesh into the air.

A searing green blast cuts through the mayhem and meets Sugar Spur head on. Her body boils as FeeTwix’s mutant hack attack does its damage.

“We did it!” Hiccup says, pumping his fist in the air. “Fick yeah!”

His exuberance quickly disappears when it becomes increasingly clear that the goblin shaman has survived the blast.

“Impossible,” FeeTwix says as his hack melts away.

It’s then that Ryuk notices the faintest outline of algomagic surrounding the golden ring hanging from Sugar Spur’s earlobe.

His eyes dart right and then down to her sagging breasts and her extended belly to see that all her rings have a green tint to them.

“Get them, my children! Pull their entrails out and bathe in their blood! Skull fick them to death!”

-95 HP!

Hiccup swings wide, both hands on his golden axe, cutting down a muscular goblin. “Skull fick that, you fickered fickhead!”

Instakill!

He brains the next goblin, pulls his blade out, and goes for another. Wolf jumps over him and takes out another goblin, snarling as he rips his leg to shreds.

His Marble Gun holstered at his side and his Marble Shotgun slung over his shoulder, Ryuk goes for the stock weapon that came with his avatar. A molten marble in the pocket, the Ballistics Mage takes aim at Sugar Spur’s right earlobe with his slingshot.

A targeting reticle appears and even as chaos swells all around him, and more goblins file out of the panels in the walls, Ryuk cuts a molten marble across the battlefield, connecting with Sugar Spur’s ear.

-400 HP!

Skill level up!

Skill level up!

“YEEEEOOOOOOY!” the female goblin shaman screeches as the golden hoop melts away.

Her earlobe quickly reforms, but the damage she’s taken remains the same.

Hiccup’s eyes light up as he looks from the floating Sugar Spur to Ryuk. “Fick me twice and call me grumpy after a long nap, Queen of the Rings!”

“Queen of the what?” FeeTwix calls over to him.

“Fick, Twixy, no time to explain. Take out all her golden rings!”

(x)__(x)

“I’m on goblin duty!” FeeTwix, now with his tommy gun one hand and a healing potion in the other, delivers a little swift justice to a group of suicide fickboys that have just swarmed into the room.

Insta-Insta-Instakill!

“I just want to remind all four million of you live-streaming this battle that I’ll be picking a winner of the Count the Ficks contest after! And don’t forget, WalMacy’s is having a spring sale, and boy, is it a sale you don’t want to miss! Sure,” FeeTwix tears through another swarm of goblins, “everyone is already familiar with WalMacy’s falling prices, but did you know you can save an additional three percent by signing up for their store card! Just think of what you can do with three percent!”

“No one can do fick all with three percent, Twixy!” Hiccup shouts once FeeTwix pauses to reload his tommy gun.

“Ignore the goblin, everybody! If you sign up for a WalMacy’s store card in the next twenty-four hours, WalMacy’s will add an additional one percent to this offer for the first year and waive the yearly fee! Talk about saving a hundred dollars and four percent! How much better is four percent than three percent?”

FeeTwix kicks in the face of a goblin that has somehow crawled over to him during his ad read. “One percent better, that’s how much! You know the code. people: #FeeTwixRox!”

As the Swede lays down more cover fire, Zaena focuses on getting closer to Sugar Spur. This is proving difficult, especially since the goblins have started to pile up around her, forming a protective shield of bodies.

The Thulean warrior princess slices and dices her way closer to the goblin shaman, her ass saved once by a blast from Enway’s wand. Ryuk too has taken a supporting role, knowing all too well that there’s too much mayhem now to get in a good hit.

Instakill!

Level up!

New marble acquired!

The level up and the two skill level ups he just received start to fade away.

Skill: One in a Million

Level Two: Use your slingshot and any marble of your choosing to take an impossible shot. Odds of connecting increase with each point you gain in LUCK.

Requirements: Level 10 Mage, LUCK > 17.

Skill: Extreme Focus

Level Four: Can detect approach of camouflaged/concealed/stealthed enemies and objects.

Mage bonus: Higher levels allow sleuthing and increased accuracy. Also increases magic detection range when used in tandem with Magic Eye.

He very briefly reads the details of his new marble.

New marble acquired! Aqua marbles are water based marbles capable of a number of feats, including drowning an enemy and extinguishing fires.

A message from Sophia pops up on Ryuk’s viewing pane.

Sophia: Please log out now. I am done running the tests I need to run for the day.

Ryuk: We’re kind of in the middle of something.

Sophia: Is it a boss battle? If it’s a boss battle, finish it then log out.

Ryuk: Will do!

I’ll have to check out my new marble later, Ryuk thinks as he pops a mag full of sword marbles into his Marble Gun, and tries to take out some of the goblins on the outer edge of the wall of flesh surrounding Sugar Spur.

These goblins fall, only to land on those trying to climb up below.

Sugar Spur still floats on top, a furious look on her face as a serpent made of magic begins to swirl around her body.

Using a goblin’s head as a springboard, Zaena hits the air, flips, and comes down with a slice that takes both the shaman goblin’s nipple rings off.

-800 HP! Critical hit!

“Yeeeeeeeeoooooooooy!” Sugar Spur shrieks and shrieks. Her nipples reform, but the golden rings are long gone.

“Holy fick, Zaena, I mean, Liz! Fick! Keep that up and I’ll start calling you Princess Zaena!”

The Thulean lands, cuts a goblin wielding a morning star down, and uses her ghost limbs to lift back into the air. This time, she tosses one of her blades, which zips through Sugar Spur’s other earlobe.

-400 HP!

A look of utter anguish spreading across her face, Sugar Spur manages to fire off her serpent of magic, which zips around the room, eventually taking a hundred or more HP from each Mitherficker.

Ryuk is thrown sideways, only to be dogpiled by stinky, robe-clad goblins.

“Fuck!” he shouts as he’s being smothered. Firing blindly into the stack of bodies, he finishes the rest of his mag of sword marbles.

Insta-Insta-Instakill!

Unable to adequately reload his weapon, Ryuk, amidst being bitten, scratched, poked and prodded, is able to stick two molten marbles in his mouth.

His spitfire spell does the rest.

Fire scorching from his lips, Ryuk torches the goblins off him, rolls right, and manages to come up away from the pile of burning, screaming goblins.

One more golden ring, he thinks, as he goes for his slingshot. The ring is affixed to Sugar Spur’s belly button, so an explosive marble should do the trick.

But first…

To get some leverage, and get away from the goblins descending upon him, Ryuk places a couple of gravity marbles in his mouth. He lifts into the air, his slingshot aimed at Sugar Spur’s belly.

The goblin shaman sees him and points as a blistering spiral of energy twists around her arm.

“Not today,” Ryuk whispers.

His black marble hits her belly and explodes, flesh flying everywhere.

-400 HP!

Sugar Spur screeches and falls from the air. She lands in the pile of goblins beneath her and they quickly work to cover her body.

“She’s still not dead?” Ryuk asks as he steps back down to the ground.

He glances to Hiccup, who is doing the math on his mechanical fingers. Wolf is beside him, cutting down any goblin who dares approach.

“Fick,” Hiccup finally says. He gulps loud enough for Ryuk to hear him a good four meters away. “That means there’s another ring.”

“Another ring?” asks Zaena, who has just touched down between the two. FeeTwix, to Ryuk’s right, grabs his Glock and puts three shots directly into the forehead of an approaching goblin.

Instakill!

“Marbles, Twixy, cover me!” Hiccup says as he waddles over to the wall of goblins. The most cantankerous goblin this side of the Port of Corpses shakes his head in disgust. “It can only be one fickin’ place.”

FeeTwix gets it before Ryuk does. He finishes his round and calls over to Hiccup, “Are you sure?”

The goblin swallows hard. “I was born for this moment, Twixy,” he says, his eyes reflecting the growing chaos of the goblin dogpile forming around Sugar Spur. “If I don’t make it out of there, Twixy, tell Spewy that I’m his father and that I don’t approve of his life choices.”

With that, Hiccup bites down on his toe knife, gets into a diving position, and leaps into the goblins that have swarmed around the powerful shaman.

“What in the fuck is he doing?” Ryuk asks, still capping goblins as he sees fit.

“The final ring,” FeeTwix says, pointing to his groin. “It’s there…”

“Seriously?” Enway asks. “Her chalupa?”

Ryuk can’t decide whether to be disgusted or to laugh out loud.

“Filthy creatures!” is Zaena’s response as she decapitates two approaching goblins, their blood spritzing the wall.

But that’s not the instakill that gets Ryuk’s attention. About a minute later, a mini nuclear explosion spits goblin limbs, goblin weapons, and entrails through the air.

Instakill!

Hiccup flies out of the mess, smacks into the ceiling, cries out in pain, and lands on the ground, a meter away from Wolf. Any robed goblin left standing quickly exits the room.

“Yoy…” Hiccup says as he throws his mechanical hand out to reveal the runestone.

FeeTwix rushes over to him and helps him up.

“Are you okay?”

The goblin puckers his lips.

“Fine, healing potion.” The Swede takes a healing potion out of thin air and jams it into Hiccup’s mouth. He livestreams the close-up of the goblin, much to his fans’ approval – well, at least the Fickers. “Drink up, baby goblin!”

“Yoy!” Hiccup spits some of the healing potion into FeeTwix’s face. “That was…fick me, that was crazy. And Twixy, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: I’m nobody’s little fickboy. Any-fickin’-hoo...” He shows FeeTwix the runestone. “You fickheads wouldn’t believe where this was buried, and I ain’t talking about her female choop either. That was the golden ring. I had to get that one off with my toe knife. The runestone…”

“It was there?” Zaena asks, disgusted.

“Like a hemorrhoid, Liz. Fick, talk about a damp, hairy, filthy place I never want to visit again.” The goblin shudders and wipes blood from his brow. “Who wants the stone?”

“I do?” Ryuk asks, not too keen on taking the shit-covered stone from Hiccup.

“Welp, here you go, Marbles. Fetch!”

The runestone flies through the air, and luckily for Ryuk, Zaena catches it with her ghost limb. She holds it there for a moment as she gets a cleaning towel from FeeTwix. “I figured you didn’t want it in that condition, and FeeTwix, please burn this towel after I’m finished.”

“Will do, babe.”

“Thanks,” Ryuk says as Zaena hands him the clean runestone. This one is bigger than the first, and once he has equipped the first one, he notices that it fits perfectly into the grooves across the face of the second runestone.

“So, they fit together,” Enway says as she approaches him. “Not bad.”

“Yeah,” Ryuk says as he turns the attached runestones over in his hands. “I wonder what they do when we get the third.”

Enway shrugs. “No telling. Hey, did anyone else get levels? I got two!”

“One for me,” says the Swede.

“Two for me,” Zaena says.

“Three for Uncle Goblin. I think I got some type of bonus for hopping into that pile of fickboys. BOGO, am I right? Wait, that’s not buy one, get one. That’s like buy one, get two. Fick. Algebra is a bitch.”

Ryuk takes a deep breath. “FeeTwix and I need to log out to see Sophia. We’ll be back in a little while. In the meantime, the guild should make their way back to Waringtla to see Lothar, but not through the sewers.”

“For once, I agree with Marbles. Let’s get on the first train out of here, Mitherfickers, and since there are no trains, we’re going to have to take an airship.”

“Good,” Ryuk says as he lifts his finger to log out. “See you guys in Waringtla.”

The Japanese youth takes one more look at the room and the piles upon piles of goblin bodies, closes his eyes, realizes he will never forget that memory, and logs out.

.14. Ramen Revelations

The logging out process while in a dive vat is something Ryuk didn’t quite expect. He sees the same exit screen, and goes through the same spiraling vortex, but rather than waking up in his bed, he wakes up in a pool of sticky liquid with a breathing apparatus jammed into his mouth.

His first instinct is to try to rip his body free, but he quickly reminds himself where he is, and it isn’t long before Sophia’s humandroid friend, Evan, is by his side, removing cords stuck into the back of his NV Visor and returning Ryuk’s breathing apparatus to its hook on the side of the vat.

His lips exceedingly dry, he feels an intense thirst coming on. His thirst is quickly met with a glass of lukewarm water from Evan.

“Drink up,” the humandroid says, “and I’ll see to your friend. Once you are ready, you may climb out of the vat on your own. There are showers over there. I suggest washing the conducting substance off your body. It can get very sticky if it is kept on for too long.”

Ryuk does as instructed, and once he’s showered, he meets Hajime, Evan and Sophia at the front of the room, all of whom are waiting for FeeTwix to finish up.

“How was your dive?” Hajime asks. “Did you listen to the quiet voice?”

The Oblique Quote. Ryuk scratched the back of his head. “Um, not exactly, but we did get two of the runestones.”

“Impressive,” Sophia says, even though her facial expression doesn’t make it seem like she’s very impressed.

“And I’m assuming you have one more to go?”

“Yep,” Ryuk tells Hajime. “The three runestones of Tritinakh. No idea what they’ll do once we get them all together, but the first two actually fit into one another.”

“I’m familiar with them,” says Sophia, “but I’ve never known someone to actually go after them. There are tons of quests and rare items like that in Tritania. I’ve been diving to Tritania for, jeez, almost two decades. That makes me sound so old, but that’s how long I’ve been going there. I don’t know if I already told you, but I own an apartment in Valhalla.”

“Nice,” Ryuk says, familiar with the most famous district in Porthos, the capital of Polynya. Out of all the capitals of the continent, Aramis in Hyperborea and Athos in Ultima Thule, Porthos is by far the most expensive.

“I agree, it is nice. Evan, have you chosen a restaurant for us?”

“Yes, Hajime and I conferred and decided on a ramen restaurant in Nippori. Is that to your liking?” he asks Ryuk.

“Of course. I love ramen.”

“I’ve been craving ramen since we arrived,” Sophia admits. “I’m not Japanese. Don’t know if I told you that, but my family is from Taiwan and I was born in America.”

“Okay.”

“But I love ramen. I think all Asians love ramen, at least all Asians I know. I guess it sounds like I’m stereotyping them because I am.” She grins. “And I love ramen.”

“Me too,” Ryuk says, just as FeeTwix walks out of the shower room.

“That is one hot shower! Whew! What’s on the agenda for dinner tonight, fam? My fans have told me about some really delicious monjayaki in the Tsukishima District.”

“I thought you weren’t telling your fans you were coming here,” Ryuk says.

“Relax, Ryuk, just a really close group of fans. These guys and gals know everything I’m up to. It’s a private group. No squealers there, I promise.”

“Monjayaki is good,” Ryuk says, “but maybe okonomiyaki is better.”

“Interesting. I’d try them both ‘cause I am starved! Not starved like a pink-haired goblin who shall remain nameless, but I’d definitely eat my weight in just about anything Japanese, aside from fermented beans.”

“Natto.”

“Yeah, I’ll pass on that. Ha! And we can totally discuss this later, but really, Ryuk, can you believe how we ended up defeating that last boss?”

“What happened?” Sophia asks as they step out of the dive facility.

FeeTwix quickly explains the Queen of the Rings battle, much to Sophia’s chagrin towards the end of his explanation.

“So, if it wasn’t clear, Hiccup had to squirm through a pile of goblins to remove the golden ring from her, um, lady part and then he had to take the runestone from her–”

“Goblins continue to be the bane of my existence, even though I no longer associate with them. I never told many people this, but once, as a test from the Sage–”

“The Sage?” FeeTwix asks Sophia.

“The NVA Seed of Tritania,” Ryuk says.

“Ah, okay, continue.”

“–I was once forced to babysit dozens of baby goblins as a test of my patience. It was…” Sophia shudders. “Horrifying.”

“Did you pass the test?” Evan asks as they step outside of the lab.

“No, I failed. But Quantum passed his test, so we were able to solve the riddle.”

FeeTwix’s eyes go wide. “That sounds so awesome. I wish I could meet Quantum Hughes.”

“You could, if you go to America.”

“He doesn’t dive anymore?”

Sophia turns to FeeTwix and shrugs. “No comment.”

Once they reach the parking lot, a cold burst of air moves past the five; swirling snow presses into the front of Ryuk’s sweater. The Uberyota SUV awaits them at the curb and they can’t get in soon enough.

“It’s getting colder out there,” FeeTwix says as he puts on the mask Hajime gave him.

In response to his statement, a weather forecast appears on the inside of the windshield as the aeros lifts into the air. The weather is read in English, followed by Japanese.

“Tokyo is so pretty at night,” Sophia says, looking out the window. “I really wish I had more time to do a little shopping but…” she sighs.

“What is it, dear?” Evan asks.

“You know exactly what it is. My work calls. My work always calls.”

“Did you discover something?” Ryuk asks. “I mean, what you were looking for. Did you discover this?”

“I did,” she says with a grimace, “and it’s not what I expected. Look, we’ll get into all the details at the restaurant.”

“But I am okay, yes?”

She smiles at the young man. “Yes, you are okay.”

“No, I mean my...” Ryuk fires off the word in Japanese to Hajime.

“His digital hallucination,” the humandroid says.

“Yes, sorry, I forgot the word hallucination.”

“You will be fine regarding your hallucinations,” Sophia says. “It is what lies behind these hallucinations that has me worried.”

(0)__(0)

The steamy air from the ramen shop brushes past Ryuk’s face as the door slides open. Two men sit at the counter slurping from their bowls while a trio of ramen chefs busy themselves by chopping ingredients.

“Welcome!” a female chef calls out. She wears a black apron and has her hair pulled back by a matching black bandana.

The space in the ramen restaurant is tight, and there are only two tables and some seating at the counter, but the place is cozy, quaint, and it smells fucking phenomenal. It has been a while since Ryuk went to a ramen shop, his last visit being one with Tamana.

As he normally does with Tamana memories, he quickly swallows it down.

As they discussed in the ride over, Hajime stands near the door and Evan takes the furthest seat at the counter. Two humandroid bodyguards, Ryuk thinks as he sits with his back to the door. FeeTwix is next to him, and Sophia Wang across from them.

“You’ll do the honors, right?” Sophia asks.

“Honors?”

“Order,” she tells Ryuk. “You’ll order for us.”

“Sure. What do you want?”

“Miso ramen and gyoza, lots of gyoza. How much comes on a platter again? Six?”

“Yes, six.”

“Order me two platters then.”

“Okay. FeeTwix?”

The Swede turns a laminated menu on the table over. “I have no earthly idea what I’m looking at...kidding! I activated my real time Japanese language reading app which, seriously you two, I recommend the hell out of this app. I swear it can read everything, from Swahili to Cantonese. Sorry, they once sponsored a slot on my live feed. It does work well though. Okay, sorry again. What will you have, Ryuk?”

“Ramen.”

“I figured that. Which kind of ramen?”

“Secret broth,” he says, licking his lips. “It is a pork broth, I believe.”

“Yep, I’m all in. Secret broth it is and fried dumplings.”

“Gyoza.”

“Sure, let’s order a ton of those.”

The female chef comes around with a pad. After suggesting the shoyu broth, she takes their order, and calls it out to the other chefs as she returns to the counter.

Finished with his bowl, one of the salarymen at the counter stands, thanks the chefs for their food, bows, and exits the restaurant, a newspaper tucked under his arm.

“Let’s get down to business then,” Sophia says, settling her gaze on Ryuk. “I went through your feed since you took your new avatar, and I noted a couple of things.”

“Okay,” he says nervously.

“You recall the woman behind the door in the Shinigami’s guild.”

“Yes, the snake woman. I think she looked like a snake, at least from here down,” Ryuk says, touching his stomach.

“I’m just going to flat out tell you everything I know about this person. Her last known handle was ‘Veenure,’ her real name is Victoria Mays.”

“Veenure?” Ryuk asks.

“Wait,” she says as FeeTwix’s mouth opens to ask a question. “Let me finish, because it is about to get a lot more complicated. Veenure was, or quite possibly still is, a Reaper. Now, I know you know about the Reapers, FeeTwix, especially being a Quantum Hughes fanboy. But for Ryuk, an explanation is important.”

“I know a little. I was a Knight, remember?”

Sophia continues her explanation anyway. “The Reapers were the name for what was essentially a murder/slavery guild formed in the 2050s by Strata Godsick. Remember that name, because it is about to come up again. Strata formed the Reapers during the search for his son, Luther. The Reapers worked for a company known as the Revenue Corporation, of which Strata was the CEO, which exploited people who were trapped in Proxima Worlds.”

“I’ve heard about being trapped,” FeeTwix says.

“Being ‘trapped’ used to be a thing. The Reapers usually enslaved those who were trapped, and tried to use clever, algorithm changing weapons to trap more players, so they could extract insurance money from them. There were shell companies upon shell companies, and a public scandal happened once all this was revealed in late 2058, plus a system-wide change from the Proxima Company. Any questions so far?”

FeeTwix and Ryuk shake their heads.

“Now back to the serpent woman and how she relates to all this. Veenure was Strata’s daughter, Luther’s half-sister. She was actually part of the Knights of Non Compos Mentis. Now for a little background on that, the Knights were formed when Quantum and the rest of the federally funded DREAM Team, that’s Dream Recovery Extraction and Management Team, went to Tritania in search of Strata’s son, Luther.”

“Why did they want his son?” FeeTwix asks.

“Leverage and because we – yes, I was a DREAM Team member – were tasked with freeing people trapped in Proxima worlds. So, helping Luther would have been twofold: freeing him and also giving us leverage on Strata and the Reapers. Anyway, not long after Quantum and company spawned, they met Veenure, who tricked us all and joined our guild, getting intel from the inside.” Sophia gulps. “She later ended up killing my dive partner, Zedic Woods.”

“She killed your partner?” Ryuk asks, seeing the troubled look on her face.

Sophia nods slowly. “There is more to it than that, but yes, Veenure killed him in the OMIB, and he didn’t have an RPC set to respond.”

“Orthogonal Matrix Inverse Base.”

“Yes, FeeTwix, OMIB. Remember that word, because I’m about to get back to it.”

The gyoza comes, and after taking her wooden chopsticks from their package, Sophia dunks the first one in soy sauce and eats it right away. “Okay, so as I was saying, Veenure, who I believe is this woman you encountered, Ryuk, is Strata’s daughter.”

“So how did she end up in the OMIB?” FeeTwix asks, his mouth full of piping hot gyoza. “It’s sooooo good!”

“We put her in the OMIB. Remember Doc? You met him yesterday.”

“Yep,” says FeeTwix. “The faun.”

Ryuk recalls the faun they met back at the Knights’ guildhall, the one in the tactical vest similar to the vest FeeTwix wears to reduce damage taken from the firearms penalty.

“Doc is a…” Sophia bites down on her lip as she considers how to describe him. “He is the original Proxima hacker, that’s how I’d describe him. He was born in the 80s, as in 1980s, and he was one of the first to really toy with what the Proxima Company created.”

“And he was a DREAM Team member?” asks the Swede.

“Not exactly,” Sophia says, her mouth full. Once she swallows, she continues the information dump. “He was never an official member because that would have made him a target. Instead, he was a contractor for the DREAM Team, and in his free time, aside from spending time with his goats.” She cringes. “He had one named Sally that I wasn’t the biggest fan of. Again, a story for another day. Like I was saying, aside from spending time with his goats, Doc liked to tinker with algo weapons.”

FeeTwix stuffs another gyoza in his mouth. “Mutant hacks.”

“That’s right, FeeTwix, and while the one you have in your inventory list…”

“I have two.”

“Okay, so you know what they’re capable of. Doc created a type of mutant hack he called the ‘Golden Goosinator,’ which we also called a ‘Reaper Hack.’ The Reaper Hack was relatively straightforward at first. Blast a Reaper, and it tracks their real world location and gives them a life bar penalty when they log into any Proxima world. But it got cooler as Doc tinkered with the weapon’s effects.”

“Did he fry their NV Visors?” FeeTwix asks.

“Fry?” asks Ryuk.

“Electrocute to death. You know, um, zzz, zzz, zzz!” FeeTwix flashes his hand around his head to illustrate what he means.

“I see.”

“No, he didn’t design hacks to kill them, although he could have, and I believe he contemplated doing so for a while.” Sophia sets her chopsticks down. “But he didn’t do it; instead, he designed a mutant hack that not only logged their location, it also force-spawned the Reaper in the OMIB, meaning they could never return to the Proxima Galaxy proper. Let me rephrase: after being struck with this weapon, they could return to any Proxima world, but they couldn’t actually function with normal players. Instead, they would automatically spawn in the OMIB, and if you’ve ever been in the OMIB...”

Sorrow flashes across Sophia’s eyes.

“What?” FeeTwix asks.

“If you’ve ever been stuck in the OMIB for a considerable time, it can be quite harrowing.”

“So how does this relate to Veenure?” the Swede asks.

“Once we discovered she was a Reaper, there was a pretty big battle in which we blasted her with one of these hacks, I believe it was Quantum who got her.”

“Hell yes, it was Quantum!” FeeTwix says, his mouth full of gyoza.

“Veenure was never able to log into a Proxima world proper; rather, she could only log into the OMIB.”

“So that’s where she is now?”

“Correct, Ryuk, but there’s one more layer to this. Doc and Quantum, using the DREAM Team’s jurisdiction, went after Veenure in California. They planned to bring federal charges against her for killing my divemate, Zedic. But just as they were about to capture her, Veenure killed herself.”

The color drains from FeeTwix’s face. “And she had an Reborn Player Character who force-spawned in the OMIB, essentially trapping her there for eternity.”

“Exactly. Now, she could still use her dashboard to terminate her account, but I believe she’s been using her time in the OMIB to grow stronger and to figure out a way to come back to our world.”

“Whoa,” FeeTwix says. “You think she’s trying to come back here?”

Sophia takes a deep breath and looks at Ryuk. “And this is exactly what happened to your friend Tamana just before her death. You and Tamana were resetters, and just like the data Hajime showed me, these digital hallucinations are only happening to resetters, those who decide to start over with new avatars. And I believe it is Veenure causing this.”

“Why resetters?” Ryuk asks. “Why is she trying to come through resetters?”

Sophia’s brow furrows as she tries to think of the best way to water down her explanation. She gives up, and goes with the more technical explanation.

“The answer to this question involves an avatar’s digital neuronal autoconstruct system, or D-NAS. New avatars are created in real time, their D-NAS not passing through the OMIB as portions are recycled. Once someone becomes a resetter, their D-NAS is partially processed in the OMIB. No avatar is ever completely destroyed, which is why you, Ryuk, have likely noticed a few similar characteristics between your current avatar and your last Tritanian avatar.”

Ryuk nods, recalling his Extreme Focus skill.

“Most people only have a sliver of this past-avatar residue, but it’s there, and it passes through the OMIB, which is how Veenure has caught onto it. It’s how she found you and Tamana. She has tried with you as well, Ryuk, but continues to fail. She appears to be trying to use an NPC to come through a person’s iNet feed and take over their body. Thing is, this isn’t possible.” Sophia grins smugly. “Trust me, I know.”

“I’ll bet,” FeeTwix says as he finishes the last gyoza.

She takes a sip from her glass of water to clear her throat. “Let’s backtrack, just a bit, to my successful experiment from the 2050s. If you recall, I was able to have an NPC spawn inside a humandroid’s body.”

Ryuk remembers going over this with Hajime and later sharing it with the guild.

“As I told you, FeeTwix, Quantum Hughes did this for a time as well. He got stuck in a Proxima world and returned to our world using a humandroid’s body. So theoretically, an RPC would be able to take a humandroid’s body, but not a human’s. That’s the problem here: Veenure is trying to come through human bodies, which doesn’t work. If she tried a humandroid’s body, it could work. I proved that it was possible.

“Veenure is an RPC. Remember, she’s dead. She killed herself in California in 2058. I’ve already proven that an NPC can r-dive, or reverse dive. Aiden did it in the 2050s, and Quantum was a regular player character, and he did it too. So, I’ve proven both NPCs and PCs can come to our world using a humandroid’s body.

“Point is, an RPC could definitely do it, which is what Veenure should try to do if she really wants to spawn in this world. But she doesn’t know this. All she knows is that she’s been able to use NPCs to distort a person’s live iNet feed.” She offers a rare smile. “Which, in itself, is quite the discovery. Oh, the ramen has come!”

The waitress sets the three bowls of ramen on the table and asks them to enjoy their dinner.

“Arigato gozaimasu,” Ryuk says as she leaves.

“What’s next?” asks FeeTwix. “I mean, what are we supposed to do about this now, as in, after dinner.”

“That’s really up to you two,” says Sophia. “If you have things to do in Tritania, you could go back. Or you could sleep. We’ve discussed both options, we being Evan, Hajime and me. Until you’ve left Japan, FeeTwix, Hajime will also be looking after you.”

The Swede finishes slurping up his noodles and looks to the door. “I get a bodyguard?” he asks, grinning at Hajime.

Ryuk laughs. “He is much more than a bodyguard.”

“What do you mean?”

“Never mind.” Ryuk thinks for a moment as he takes another sip from his bowl of ramen. “We can go back to Tritania after. Do you need to run more tests?”

“No,” Sophia says, “but it wouldn’t hurt to monitor you some more. Plus, I want to spend some time tinkering with your iNet interface, to see just how these NPCs from Tritania are coming here. I’m also interested in how they’ve augmented reality to make it appear as if they are interacting with the real world. That is one part I find incredibly interesting about all this, and it’s also a great angle for a future research project.”

.15. Kodai Gets Lucky

“So, they’re in Tokyo.”

Kodai can’t believe his luck. Hours spent watching FeeTwix’s live feed hadn’t garnered much. He hated the goblin, that was for sure, and he despised the Swede’s ad reads, but finally, after a long afternoon of watching and simultaneously monitoring the Shinigami’s progress in leveling up in the Sabors, he finally got the information he needed.

Sitting in his chair and taking in his beautiful view of Tokyo, Kodai plays the feed again just to confirm, for the sixth time, he’s heard what he thinks he’s heard:

“FeeTwix and I need to log out to see Sophia. We’ll be back in a little while. In the meantime, the guild should make their way back to Waringtla to see Lothar, but not through the sewers.”

How could you be so stupid, Ryuk? He thinks as he plays the clip again. He already knew they were in Waringtla, and he knew they were going after the runestones – another reason he had his team positioned in the Sabors – but he had no idea FeeTwix was in Tokyo, and Sophia...

It didn’t take him long to deduce she was the leader of the Knights of Non Compos Mentis, and he only needed to ask one of his contacts at MercSecure, a security analyst named Ian, to do a little digging. Ian had run info for him before, and Kodai paid him handsomely to do so.

“Sophia Wang,” he says as he feels a hand drop onto his shoulder. He looks up to see Tesla, nude, her body completely cleanshaven. The humandroid wears a small collar with a chain that trails down her back.

“Are you ready?” she asks.

“Something big has come up.”

“Oh?”

“I’ll catch you up rapidly.” Kodai activates an app on his iNet screen which transfers all the data he’s poured through over the last hour, plus the clip of his brother saying that FeeTwix and Sophia are in Tokyo.

“And do you know where they are yet?” Tesla asks, her eyes dilating.

“Ian was able to get me some information regarding her arrival, but there hasn’t been much since. I think someone, or possibly some AI, is covering her tracks. It appears as if she left from the airport in fifteen aeros taxis. All the trips were paid for by someone named War Faun, and they all have a transaction number that ends with DOC.”

“Odd. And what does your intelligence analyst think of this?”

“He’s checked all the taxi’s destinations and each of them have a drop off point that is either in a body of water or in a public park.”

“And he is going through all live cam data from the parks?”

“As of now, yes, but that’s going to be hard to filter through. We will focus instead on finding FeeTwix going forward.”

Kodai places his hand on the small of Tesla’s back and latches onto the chain hanging from her neck. He pulls back slightly, and she lets out a small cry for help. He laughs.

“You could kill me in a heartbeat,” he reminds her.

“You don’t want me to play along?”

“No, but I want to touch your skin again.”

She sits in his lap, the second time she’s done so today. After this morning’s gruesome murder, Kodai needed his Nikko whiskey like he’s never needed it before. He’s a bit drunk now, but not drunk enough that he can’t make decisions.

“Then touch it,” she says, turning her breasts towards him.

He doesn’t say what’s on his mind: they feel so real.

That would be an amateur move, but he does think it, and he does bend forward to kiss her breasts, only to find that they are warm, that if he presses his head to her chest he can hear something akin to a heartbeat, that goosebumps form around her nipples after he’s sucked on them for a moment, that the place between her legs is wet.

It is something else.

And even as he puts his fingers in, as he continues fondling her, as he stops and looks deep into her soulless eyes, a business idea is ballooning at the back of his mind. This is the way of the future. And his competitor, Gintoki, how smart he was for employing these droids at his pink salon!

He gets the notion in that instant to fire a message off to Lorem Ipsum, but he resists the urge, knowing that he’s already bothered the man a great deal and that, while he pays Lorem’s company a lot of money, it’d be better for him not to be a nuisance.

The proper channels, he thinks as Tesla turns, her back to him.

She moves her body back and forth on his lap, across his erection.

He hasn’t gone all the way with her yet; that’s what this evening is about. He’s saved it, took care of his business for the day, which just so happened to be murder, and spent the rest of the afternoon spying on his brother’s guilds.

“Are you ready?” she asks, her hands dropping to his belt.

“You can read my mind too?”

She smiles. “No, but I can scan your vitals.”

“You don’t need to scan much to see that I’m ready.”

“Then let’s try it.”

“You ever done this before?”

She laughs. “Actually, no. No, I haven’t. I am not a humandroid built for sex work, but I have met a few. We’re actually quite similar.”

“How’s that?” he asks as she pulls his pants down.

“They don’t have violence governors.”

“They don’t? Why?”

She smiles as she places her warm hands on the seam of his boxers.

“So that they can do whatever a person asks of them,” Kodai says, answering his own question. “It’s brilliant.”

“It is.”

“You’re beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

“I want you so bad.” He bites his lip, ashamed of how primal he’s being.

“I’m already yours.” Tesla pulls his pants off and gets on top of him. Soon, he’s inside, and less to his surprise than he would have expected, it feels the exact same.

Or at least, it feels the same as he remembers it. Kodai hasn’t had sex in quite a while, preferring to watch women of his choosing do vile things to himself.

He cancels that thought now alongside the images of the things he’s asked people to do for him. What is happening now is completely alien, something that he can barely comprehend but something that seems so right, so now.

And no, it isn’t odd for a human to have sex with a mechanical device, nor is it really odd for a human to have sex with a humandroid, especially approaching the 22nd century.

What strikes Kodai as odd is how attached he feels to Tesla, that he actually cares for her, that he may even love her, and more frighteningly, the fact that he doesn’t know why he feels this way.

“Just enjoy.” She drops her hands to his shoulders, so she can work even harder. “Don’t think so much about it,” she says, breathing hard. “And regarding your brother, and the others, we’ll get to them after this.” She grins as she thrusts her body harder into his.

“This is fucking wonderful.”

“It is, Kodai, it is.”

.16. Pastries and a Side Quest

FeeTwix and Ryuk spawn on an airship just as it is dropping into Waringtla. The sudden change in gravity, even though they’ve theoretically just traveled from the real world to algorithmic dream world, is something that definitely causes Ryuk’s stomach to turn.

Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 26 Ballistics Mage

HP: 1030/1030

ATK: 150

MATK: 198

DEF: 113

MDF: 85

LUCK: 24

FeeTwix Fajer Level 27 Berserker Mystic

HP: 1311/1311

ATK: 209

MATK: 37

DEF: 113

MDF: 68

LUCK: 28

Hiccup Level 25 Shield Thief

HP: 1690/1690

ATK: 133

MATK: 17

DEF: 299

MDF: 152

LUCK: 39

Zaena Morozon Level 27 Brawler Assassin

HP: 1334/1334

ATK: 264

MATK: 10

DEF: 233

MDF: 53

LUCK: 27

Enway Zoltan Rosa Level 26 Hourglass Mage

HP: 1005/1005

MANA: 571/571

ATK: 82

MATK: 177

DEF: 69

MDF: 183

LUCK: 24

Wolf Level 40

HP: 2402/2402

ATK: 699

MATK: 0

DEF: 534

MDF: 241

LUCK: 19

Still feeling a bit of nausea, Ryuk places his hand on his belly and turns away from Hiccup, who sits at the small table across from Zaena. Red-eyed Enway in her sexy-ish monk robes sits on the ground, her Book of Time open across her lap. Wolf lies next to her, sleeping lightly.

Enway looks up at Ryuk and smiles. “How was it up there?”

“Good.”

She laughs.

“Marbles isn’t one for words, Elfie. There’s a word in Jatla for a quiet ficker like him, but I’m not going to say it here,” says the cranky goblin.

“Hi to you too, Hiccup.” Ryuk flashes him a not so subtle middle finger, which Hiccup ignores, so focused is he on shifting through a set of scrolls on the table before him.

“What? You want a hug or something? Goblins don’t hug, Marbles, and even if I did want a hug, which I don’t. Twixy! No! Bad Swede! Do not…!”

FeeTwix tackles Hiccup with a hug, taking him out of the chair. Using her ghost limbs, Zaena stops them from completely toppling the table over.

“Hands off, you vile kiddy ficker!”

“What’s this you got here…” FeeTwix starts rifling through the scrolls on the table in front of Hiccup.

“That’s personal!”

Zaena laughs. “The goblin is trying to design a guild logo for a future tattoo. All he can come up with is two flying skulls surrounding a sword.”

“Ah,” FeeTwix says, holding the picture in question. “The old skulls deepthroating a sword logo, eh?”

“Fick! An artist shouldn’t be judged until, until, he’s finished his masterpieces. I’m still working on the fickin’ design, Twixy,” Hiccup says, scooping the scrolls into his arms.

“Relax, Hiccup, my fans have already copied your design and made it better.”

“The fick you just say? They have?”

An image flashes in front of FeeTwix and Hiccup looks it over for a moment.

“Fick me, that’s actually not too bad, Twixster, but I’d make the sword veinier.”

“Swords don’t have veins, Hiccup. If you add veins, it will look like a chalupa, as you put it.”

The ground shakes and the image FeeTwix is showing Hiccup disappears.

“Good, we’ve landed. About fickin’ time too. So sick of being judged for my art. But you guys liked it, right?” Hiccup asks, his eyes softening. “Been working on it for a while now. An artist needs the proper tools to create, but all the fickin’ Mexican elf could conjure up were some crayons. Forgot to mention that. What do you guys think?”

“We fickin’ love it, Hiccup!” FeeTwix says, his eyes solid black.

“It is goblin art,” says Zaena.

“Um, thanks? Marbles?”

“It’s fine.”

“Marbles.” The goblin curls his mechanical hand. “Fick, I hate you, even though I think of you kind of like a son. This guy couldn’t tell Monet from Manet. Am I right, people? Elfie?”

“I agree with Zaena.”

Hiccup throws his hands into the air. “Is this about the extreme vetting? Because if it is, listen, kid, we can’t keep letting people into our guild, especially people from certain countries that practice certain religions. I mean other people, people that believe what I believe, like Wolf over there and Oric, we can relax restrictions on them. But you.”

“I’m from Mexico.”

“When I hear Mexico I think bad hombres, and I don’t even know what that means. Any-fickin’-hoo, never agree with Liz. Remember, she’s royalty, the one percent of the one percent. She wipes her starfish with caviar, if you get my drift. She’ll never think like us.”

Liz approaches Hiccup, her hand on the hilt of her sword. “You know, goblin.”

“Fick, Liz, if you’re going to do it, fickin’ do it! I was born ready to die, and I’d consider it an honor to be killed by Thulean royalty, especially a pretty Thulean such as yourself. FeeTwix told you how beautiful you are today, right? Tall, slender, strong, sexy fine facial features, powerful orange eyes, slick orange hair, soft lips, extra delicate hands. If you were my main squeeze, I’d tell you how hot you were every day of the fickin’ week.”

Ryuk glances over to FeeTwix, whose look is indecipherable. From there he looks to Enway, who seems to be trying to contain laughter.

The goblin and the Thulean hold each other’s gaze for a moment, and as usual, Zaena ends up looking away. “The logo is fine,” she says as she turns to the door. “Make the sword sharper, and no veins. Thanks for the compliment. Your pink hair is better than having no hair.”

“Fick yes, it is. And they say flattery won’t get you anywhere. Listen up, Mitherfickers.” Wolf howls, startling the four of them. Hiccup quickly recovers. “That’s right, Wolfy, we’ve got a logo!”

(0)__(0)

Lothar’s Occult Bakery and Athenaeum is relatively easy to find, especially as the airship drop off point is only a few blocks away. It is very early morning, and the streets of Waringtla are empty. About the only person the Mitherfickers pass is a drunk giant, snoring with the right side of his face pressed into the pavement.

“I’d loot him if he weren’t so big,” Hiccup says. “Never looted a giant before.”

“You think it’s too early?” Enway asks as they stop in front of the commoner-sized door, which is cut into the giant door.

“I can smell pastries,” says Ryuk.

“Oh, that’s right, bakers get up early to start their day’s work.”

“Yep, and even if he wasn’t awake, we got fickin’ places to go and people to see. So we’d wake him.”

“Rude,” says Zaena, “but I agree with the goblin.”

“The goblin who has a name, but you know what? You complimented my topknot back in the airship, so I’m going to let this one slide. Now. Let’s get in there.”

FeeTwix is the first to go through the door. He finds Lothar’s wife, Gadsaa, arranging scones behind the counter.

“We aren’t open yet– oh, it’s you all. Lothar, honey, you have visitors!”

Lothar comes out of the swinging backroom door, his apron covered in flour. His red hair is a mess and there’s even some flour on his oval glasses. “You’ve already gotten the runestones?” he asks as he wipes his hands on his apron.

“Yep, and that shit wasn’t fickin’ easy,” the goblin says. “First, we had to kill your friend, Fafner, or whatever his name was.”

Gadsaa looks to Lothar. “They did what?”

“Never mind, dear.”

“And then we had to fight this crazyass goblin bitch with a bunch of golden rings that we had to cut off one at a time.” Hiccup shudders. “The last one was the worse; I had to get up in it, if you get my drift, and seriously, Big Guy, I will never be the same after that. The therapist bills alone.”

“That’s great!” Lothar claps his hands together and the air fills with flour. “Let’s get upstairs and I will tell you about the final runestone.”

“Honey, we open in two hours.”

“I can help,” Zaena offers. “My konoshlo should be of some use.”

Gadsaa and Lothar exchange glances.

“Thulean royalty shouldn’t have to help in the kitchen,” Lothar’s wife finally says.

“Fick yeah she should, and another thing, don’t forget that we, as in at least one of you Mitherfickers and me, have a little side quest we need to take after this. Og Lemon is in town. I want my revenge.”

“Revenge?” Lothar asks. “Did you say Og Lemon, the famous orclin chef?”

“Long story, and yes, that’s the ficker I’ve got beef with. Let’s just hear about the runestone and we’ll be on our way. Liz, you staying or going?”

“I’ll stay and help.”

“You really don’t have to, princess,” Gadsaa says.

“It’s fine.”

“I promised everyone pastries,” Lothar smiles, “and I just so happened to take the commoner sized batch out of the oven already today. I’ll meet you four – five, you too, Wolf – in my library.”

Wolf barks, a look of excitement plastered across his face. He has clearly eaten giant pastries before, evident in the way he beats his tail. FeeTwix leads the group up the stairs, and as they did before, they take a seat on the carpet in front of Lothar’s big chair.

Ryuk again notices the golden scepter on the wall, cast behind a pane of glass. Something tells him that he wouldn’t be able to get to the item just by breaking the glass.

“I meant to ask you last time,” he tells Enway, who sits next to him, “but have you ever seen anything like that?”

“I was wondering about that myself,” she says.

“My fans don’t seem to recognize it either,” says FeeTwix.

“It’s a beating stick. Plain and fickin’ simple. Just hold it by the bottom and beat someone across the head with the ruby side. That, or take the ruby off and pawn that shit. You guys know rubies are worth good money here in Tritania, right? Especially Polynya. Take that shit to New Gotha and…”

They hear a giant footstep behind them and feel the vibration on the floor.

“Ah,” Lothar says, a tray in his hand. “You were discussing the First Artifact. A fine piece, isn’t it?”

“What does it do?” Enway asks.

“Did it do, would be more appropriate. It lies dormant at the moment. As to what it did,” he smiles fondly, “that’s a story for another day.”

As soon as Lothar has set the platter on the ground, Hiccup goes for a croissant and stuffs it in his mouth. “Fick, that’s fickin’ good. Got any lemon pepper sauce I can fickin’ add to it? Fick. Okay, that’s right. Look, Giant, if you can keep your explanation,” Hiccup swallows, “to under thirty seconds, I’d love to hear about your beating stick.”

“That is a scepter, not a beating stick, and it is called the First Artifact. Long story incredibly short, it was the item used to bring Unigaeans to Tritania.”

“The Max Exodus?” Zaena asks, a cream-covered pastry floating in front of her. She takes a small nibble of it and sighs. “It is wonderful.”

“The Max Exodus,” Lothar says, “that’s what people here call it. That item was the first item created by the NVA Seed of Unigaea. Her name was the Obelisk. Oric, your guildmate, used it to bring people here, but only after it had been activated by a spell from the woman who also held the Book of Time. Sam Raid. I’m sure you’ve seen her name in the book.”

Enway nods.

“So that’s the simplest explanation. A more scientific explanation is that it is an advanced algo weapon, but you want the short one, and I give you the short one.”

“I am the short one!” Hiccup laughs, crumbs flying from his mouth.

“Now, about the final runestone. The final runestone is located in the Sabors, which I’ve told you before. It is heavily guarded by Skadi’s minions.”

“Skadi?” FeeTwix takes a bite of a scone glazed in orange icing. “Why does that sound familiar?”

“You are from a former Norse region of your world, are you not?”

“Sweden.”

“Skadi is a Norse mountain goddess. She has protected the runestone since it came to this world. The other two that you possess have changed hands. Not the third and final stone.”

“How did the runestones come here?” Enway is the only one who hasn’t eaten anything.

“Please, eat, the pastries will give you a boost in willpower.” Lothar laughs. “At least that’s what I always tell people. To answer your question, the runestones came here from Unigaea. They were some of the items smuggled by a pair of gnomes.”

“Fickin’ Unigaean gnomes.”

“One of the many things that made Unigaea different from Tritania was the quests and some of the items available. The items that were found, and I believe there were a good many items and quests that died with that world, were brought here. These items now make up some of the most powerful items in Tritania. I suppose you could call these a benefit of the Max Exodus.”

“Fake news,” Hiccup coughs into his hand, which causes him to choke on the pastry in his mouth. The goblin beats his chest, coughs until his face is red, and finally spits out a garbled hunk of pastry into his lap. “Fick!” He clears his throat and flicks the garbled bit of pastry away. Wolf greedily eats it. “Ha! My leftovers.”

Ryuk shakes his head. The urge to apologize for Hiccup’s behavior rises in his chest, but Lothar doesn’t seem to give two flying fucks about how nasty the goblin can be.

Once the commotion has settled, the giant continues his explanation: “You won’t be able to defeat Skadi using traditional methods. You’ll have to think creatively. Please proceed with caution.”

“What happens when we get the third runestone?” Enway asks.

“That I do not know. No one, aside from the gnomes – husband and wife, I believe – ever had the runestones together at the same time.”

“Any idea why they got rid of the runestones?” asks FeeTwix as he chews another bite of scone.

“I believe they sold them, separately, because they needed money. Their Unigaean money, known as lira, was no good here. All they had were the items they carried on their person.” Lothar stands. “I have to get back to my own wife because we’ll be opening soon. There is an airship leaving for the Sabors in three hours. You can relax here in the meantime, if you’d like.”

“Three hours? That should be enough time,” Hiccup says as he gets to his feet. “Okay, so who is going with me?”

FeeTwix finishes his scone and licks his fingers. “So good! Hiccup, as much as I’d like to help you get revenge, I’m going to visit Dirty Dave’s place again and see if I can’t use his shooting range.”

“That’s not a bad idea, actually.”

“Nope, Marbles, you’re coming with me.”

“Really, Hiccup?”

“It’s a side quest. Hell, you may get levels here, and believe you me, you need to level up. Elfie, you in?”

“I will port back to Kayi to check on Oric and Yangu.”

“Snowballs.”

That’s right, Ryuk thinks, we can instantly travel to any location if a guildmate is already there.

Since the Mitherfickers had formed, they’d usually been together. But they could have ported rather than take an airship the last time they went to Kayi. Ryuk frowns. He’s the only one that would have known this, so that wasted time was definitely his fault.

“Wolfy?”

Wolf, who now stands on the platter eating what’s left of the pastries, falls to his side, his stomach distended.

“Fick, Wolfy, you ate your fickin’ weight in pastries. Fine, fine. Whatever. It looks like it is you and me, Marbles. Probably Liz too.”

“You three should join me back in Kayi if there is still time after you’ve, um, gotten your revenge,” Enway says. “I’m sure you’d like to check on Yangu.”

“How long do you think this revenge will take, Hiccup?” asks Ryuk.

The goblin considers this for a moment. “Well, one can’t really put a timeframe on revenge, but I’d say, especially if we hurry, it won’t take more than an hour.”

Ryuk nods. “Then it’s settled. FeeTwix, enjoy your shooting. Enway, we’ll meet you in Kayi. Hiccup, let’s grab Zaena and, I can’t believe I’m saying this, let’s get revenge.”

Hiccup lifts his mechanical hand to his ear. “Everyone hear that? Marbles’ marbles just dropped!”

.17. Lubed Up Sabotage

“Okay, here’s the deal.” Hiccup scratches his ass a few seconds longer than necessary. “You know, I may hate Twixy for giving me this mechanical hand,” he says as he places his ass-scratching hand into his nose to dig around for a second, “but fick, can it scratch. Good at scratching your brain too. Where was I? Fick? Marbles, help me here.”

Ryuk is in a back alley behind a fancy restaurant. Zaena is next to him, a disapproving look on her face, and Hiccup stands before them, his finger still in his nose.

“There it is.” He flicks a booger at Ryuk and continues. “Sorry, better to go in ready to kick some ass.”

“And jamming your finger in your nose helps you kick ass how?”

“That’s a weird sentence, Liz, but I get what you’re asking. Cleaning out the nostrils,” he places his finger on his left nostril and blows air out the right, “helps me open the airways. Look, kiddos, we need to be realistic. Without FeeTwix, someone has to be the best member in the team.”

“I believe that would be me.”

“You would say that, Liz; excessive confidence runs in your blood. But that’s beside the point. I’m taking the lead here, and I’ll pick my nose whenever I goddamn like. We good?”

Damn goblin. Ryuk crosses his arms over his chest.

“That’s the spirit, you poofty emo kronut. Ha! I still don’t know what a kronut is. Regardless, here’s how this revenge side quest is going to work: we need to sabotage whatever it is Og Lemon is planning.”

“Who is this Og again?”

“Og is the guy who nearly caused me to lose my chalupa back in Jatla. He was supposed to provide a nice, Michelin star dinner for me and my guest, who just so happened to be an ink shadow. Well, he ended up ficking me over.”

“Did you deserve it?” Ryuk asks.

“What!? What kind of ficked up question is that? Of course I deserved it. I fickin’ stole his spicy sauce.” A bottle of red sauce appears in his hand. “This spicy sauce, to be exact.”

“What’s so special about this sauce? I will overlook the fact that whatever Og did, you likely deserved it.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Liz. Now, this isn’t any hot sauce, this stuff is called HotAzz Ballz sauce, and boy fick does it live up to its name. One fickin’ sip of this stuff, and you’ll be burping fire. Kind of like when Marbles swallows his fire marble, or whatever the fick it’s called, and starts spitting fire.”

“Bullshit,” Ryuk says. He hears voices somewhere and presses further into the shadows provided by the alley.

“Inside voices, Marbles, this is about to be a heist. Fick, Ocean’s Three, if you get my drift. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. We’re not stealing anything, we’re sabotaging. Anyfick, I don’t have a filter, sorry. What did you just ask me?”

“I didn’t ask you anything, Hiccup, I said that I don’t believe your hot sauce actually works.”

“The fick you say?” Hiccup uncorks the hot sauce and holds in front of him. “Okay, Marbles, two can play at this game. You really want to see what this shit is capable of?”

“I do,” Zaena says.

Hiccup takes a small swig and turns to the wall behind him. One burp later and a giant fireball exits his lips, nearly setting his eyebrows on fire. “Fick!” he burps again and another fireball flies from his mouth, this one hitting an overturned trash can.

Zaena’s eyes go wide. “Wow! It is like magic.”

“Shit is good too,” Hiccup says, about to burp. He beats his chest instead. “Okay, I’m better. Anyway, the plan is simple. We break into the restaurant and we add this shit to whatever he’s going to serve his guests. Needs to be something premade, and not something he’d taste before giving it out. Now let’s figure out how we’re going to get inside.”

Like a fat man adjusting his belt, Hiccup fiddles with his pants for a moment. He shoots Zaena a look that says, “don’t judge me,” and turns to the back door of the restaurant.

“Can you pick it?” Ryuk asks. “It’s a lion lock, right?”

Hiccup stares at the lock for a moment and its golden lion face. The metal lion opens its mouth and licks its metallic lips. “Nope, not going anywhere fickin’ near that thing. Looks like we have to go in from the front.”

Ryuk hears the voices again and his Extreme Focus skill kicks in. It feels even more powerful than before, and as everything is bathed in shadow, Ryuk can sense that the voices are coming from the front of the restaurant.

“We’re going to have to fight our way in.” Ryuk equips his Marble Shotgun and begins loading the canister.

“Fick. Marbles, you sure have become trigger happy since getting that damn thing. Whatever happened to the old Marbles, the one happy with his slingshot?”

“I was never happy with my slingshot,” Ryuk says as he checks his weapon to make sure everything is in place.

“Let’s try the rooftop,” Zaena suggests. “We may not have to fight if we go that route, and if we do have to fight, we’ll have advantage.”

“We should fight, if we can. After all, we need more levels.”

“That’s the problem with leveling up,” Hiccup says as Zaena lifts herself to the roof. “Just getting a couple is never enough. Fick, it’s like capitalism in that regard. Always wanting more. Fick me, I’m happy with my fair share, as long as my fair share is bigger than other people’s fair shares, am I right? Hey! Fick, Lizzy, careful with the goods.”

As Liz begrudgingly lifts Hiccup to the rooftop, Ryuk pops a gravity marble in and floats up.

(0)__(0)

“There are no other entrances up here,” Zaena reminds Hiccup as they duck behind the parapet that overlooks the entrance to the restaurant. A giant guard stands at the front, a huge club in his hands.

“Yeah, I get that,” he says as he takes another peek at the courtyard. “But how in the fick are we supposed to take out a giant? More importantly, if we do take out a giant, how are we going to make it look like it was a mistake?”

“Why would we do that?” Ryuk asks.

“Gee, I don’t know. If we go down there and hand him his ass, then Og Lemon, or the owners of the restaurant, will be suspicious. They’ll know that something is up. Now, if we had more time, I think we could kill him, cut his body up, and then make those parts disappear, but then again, morning is near and we’re running out of time.”

“We’re not dismembering a giant.”

“Marbles, you sure get sensitive when I drop truth bombs and good ideas. How else are we supposed to get in there?”

“Let me look around.”

Ryuk stands and moves back into the shadows. He can see the giant in the courtyard below, a muscular man in armor with a logo on the back. DD Security, huh? He shakes his head. Dirty Dave has his fingers in a lot of pies, and this is one that Ryuk would rather not bring his guild into.

“There has to be a way,” he says to himself as he walks along the rooftop.

His Extreme Focus kicks in and he begins looking for any sign, any chance of getting in. It takes him a good five minutes, but he is rewarded when he finds a vent covered by a wooden crate. He moves the wooden crate over and presses his head into the bars of the vent, hoping to sense what is on the other side.

It’s a kitchen, he realizes, as soon as the outlines of various kitchen appliances take shape in his mind’s eye.

Ryuk returns to Hiccup and Zaena. “There’s another way in, through a vent that was covered by a crate. From what I can detect, the crate was just moved there recently. I think the vent leads directly to the kitchen, although it may be a storage room in the kitchen. Either way, it’s our only option.”

The three quickly move over to the vent and Hiccup laments the fact he’s not going to be able to squeeze in there.

“The vent isn’t fickin’ big enough.”

“Translation: you’re too fat to fit.”

“Liz, for the sake of all ficks given in and around Tritania, if you keep up the fat-shaming, you’re going to be responsible for the death of a goblin with at least forty thousand real world fans, who will come after you. You want that?”

She pats him on the head with her own hand, for once. “I’ll tell you what, Hiccup, because Ryuk and I like you so much, we’ll go down there and handle this for you.”

“You’d do something like that for me?”

Ryuk and Zaena exchange glances. “For sure,” he says, “as long as you can keep quiet up here. In fact, how about you just leave this to us and, um, leave all together.”

“But this is my side quest!”

“And that’s fine, it’s still your side quest, but you can’t fit in there.”

“Like fick I can’t. Liz, remove the manhole cover.”

“It isn’t a manhole cover.”

“Liz, remove the vent cover. I’m going in there whether you two like it or not.”

The goblin’s clothes fall off his body.

“Why are you taking your clothes off?” Zaena asks, turning away from him.

“Just remove the cover and get down there. Once you’re there, see if you can’t find something lubricated, like some butter or some fickin’ lard. Send it up and I’ll handle the rest. We can spawn out of here, rather than try to get back out.” He eyes Ryuk and Zaena. “We good?”

“I guess?” says Ryuk.

“I might be lazy, but this is my revenge to get, and I’d be no better than one of those fickboys in the Shinigami or your bitch-titted older brother if I let someone else do my dirty work. Now get down there and find me some lube!”

(0)__(X)

“Don’t get any sicko ideas after I’m all lubed up, Marbles,” Hiccup calls down the ventilation shaft.

“Fucking idiot,” Ryuk says as he and Zaena search for something lube-worthy.

Just as Ryuk had predicted, the shaft actually led to a storage room attached to the kitchen. It’s a pretty small place, but it’s well-stocked, and it doesn’t take Zaena long to find an unopened bucket of lard.

Using one of her throwing knives, she cracks the lid open and lifts the bucket up the ventilation shaft.

“Fick yeah, Liz, how’d you know I was a fan of Aramis lard? Way better than the rich people shit they make in Porthos. Fick yeah, tastes like my childhood.”

“This should be interesting,” Zaena says as she steps over to the door, just about as far away as she can get from the exit point of the ventilation shaft overhead. It was a pretty straight shot for them to go from the rooftop to here, so as long as Hiccup can get adequately lubed, and as long as he can somehow fit his very round girth into a very square entry point, he should be good to go.

Ryuk starts to laugh.

“What?” Zaena asks, a warm smile forming on her face as her cheeks lift.

Something soft flickers behind her orange eyes. Ryuk is quite fond of her, and she of him, but they’re usually overwhelmed by louder guild members to the point where they don’t communicate much.

“This is the stupidest thing we’ve ever done.”

“Is it?” Zaena thinks. “There may have been stupider things, but I haven’t kept track. One day at a time.”

“Okay, fickers, I’m lubed up and ready to get my ass down there. Marbles, hold your arms wide and be ready to catch me.”

“Um, sure,” Ryuk says, also moving just about as far away from the exit point as he can. “Go ahead.”

They hear some struggling and the creak of the ventilation shaft. For a moment, nothing happens. Ryuk glances at Zaena just as a whooshing sound fills the room.

-236 HP! Critical hit!

Hiccup’s almost naked ass hits the tile floor hard, and for a moment, the glistening hunk of grade A goblin meat flaps around like a fish.

“Yoooooooooooy! Fick, Marbles! Fick!”

Hiccup gets his bearings and throws his arms out, belly facing up as if he were auditioning for the role of Patrick Star in a SpongeBob Squarenuts live action feature.

He groans some more as a healing potion appears in his mechanical hand. He pops the generic potion in his mouth and slowly begins to regain his strength. Hiccup sits up and finishes the bottle.

“You done yet?” Zaena asks.

“Hard to drink lying down.” He’s just about to toss the healing potion over his shoulder when he decides to return it to his list instead. “And for the love of fick, what part of ‘catch me with open arms’ do you fail to comprehend? My fick that was painful. Marbles. Your stupid move almost put me in retirement. Don’t be surprised if I schedule a meeting with HR over this shit. The people who work for the guilds of Jatla are protected, albeit loosely, by OSHA laws.”

“Quit bitching. This was your idea.”

“You’re right there, Liz,” Hiccup says as he stands.

A greasy imprint of his body still on the floor, the goblin finds a mop and wipes the lard away. He does so without putting clothes on.

“Please, goblin, clothes.”

“The name…”

“Hiccup, please put clothes on,” Zaena says, still averting her gaze.

“Later, Liz, I’m busy here!” He tosses the mop over his shoulder. “Let’s find some food to sabotage.”

They enter larger kitchen and Hiccup’s nostrils flare.

“The food smells great,” Zaena says.

“Og Lemon is a damn good chef,” Hiccup says as he scratches his well-oiled belly. “He’s half orc, half goblin, an orclin, and believe you me, those fickers can cook. Okay, like I said, we can’t make this fickin’ obvious.”

Ryuk stops in front of a large tuna resting on a block of ice. “Too obvious.”

“You’re thinking right, kid, desserts. That’s how we’ll do it. I want this shit to go down at the end.” Hiccup thinks for a moment. “I can imagine it now: Og has all his lunch guests, he serves their courses, and he serves the dessert all at the same time. Boom. Fire breath. Gonna be a scorcher, folks. Fick, I wish I could be here to smell it.”

“Gross.”

“Marbles, you’ve made it this far, and you’ll likely be my accomplice in a number of deaths tomorrow, so don’t start sticking your nose up at it now. Remember that, after about lunch time tomorrow, you’re technically a murderer.”

I’m glad there isn’t such a thing as “infamy” in Tritania, Ryuk thinks as he heads into a room designed for a pastry chef. A huge wooden board on the table before them already has a bowl of dough on it, left to rise overnight.

Ryuk enters a smaller room, and it’s here that he finds tarts with a red sauce already on them. There are other desserts, such as macaroons, but the tart looks to be the best way to hide the fiery hot sauce.

HotAzz Ballz? Ryuk tries to remember the name. Why does everything stemming from Jatla have to be so ridiculous?

A macaroon lifts into the air and Ryuk turns to see the Thulean enjoying it. “You sure love those things.”

“They are wonderful,” Zaena says.

“Yeah, those things are what caused you to turn in your V Club membership to FeeTwix.”

Zaena spins around. “Watch it, goblin.”

“Fick! Sorry, Liz, I didn’t know that was actually true.”

“I didn’t say it was true!”

“But you didn’t say it wasn’t, which where I’m from is basically the same thing as the truth. Marbles, hurry the fick up in there. You finding anything that will work?”

“This should do,” Ryuk says, lifting the tray of tarts.

“Fick yes, it will. Okay, let’s douse these fickers with the HotAzz Ballz sauce and get the fick to Kayi. Don’t do the ones from the front; the pastry chef may taste those ones. Do the ones in the middle, yeah, those ones, and let’s hope for something ficked up to happen tomorrow.”

.18. Kayi Regroup

“Are you three hungry?” Enway stands in her living room wearing an apron. Ryuk can smell a soup boiling in the kitchen. They’re in Kayi now, and he still feels a little guilty for what he just did in Og Lemon’s kitchen. “The soup I’ve made has a special ingredient in it called Karuna Basil. It will increase our LUCK for the next few hours.”

“I’ll have some,” Ryuk says, a grin spreading across his face as he takes Enway in. They haven’t been apart very long, but for some reason, he’s missed her. Just having her around gives him a sense of comfort.

“Fick yeah, I’ll increase my luck any day.” The almost nude, very oiled goblin steps into Enway’s kitchen, leaving greasy footprints in his wake.

“Do I need to ask?”

Zaena sits on Enway’s couch. “We had to lube him up to get him down a ventilation shaft.”

“I lubed myself up, Liz, thank-you-very-much,” Hiccup calls from the kitchen. “I’m nobody’s liddle fickboy, got that?”

“You may want to put a tarp down.”

“Good idea.” Enway takes a large canvas tarp from a cabinet and places it on the couch just as Hiccup is about to plop down. Zaena instinctively stands.

“You could put clothes on, Hiccup.”

“Good, Liz, you’re learning how to talk to me like an adult and use my real name. Sure, I’ll take your request, but I was getting comfortable in my birthday suit.” He snaps his mechanical fingers and his normal get-up appears on his body. His neck and any visible portion of his skin is still greasy.

“What’s with the goblin?” Oric asks as he enters the living room. He looks better than he did yesterday and the color in his face has returned. “Why is he so greasy?”

“Greasy? Look, Conan, you try to fit your chiseled chest down a ventilation shaft.” Hiccup throws back a big spoonful of Enway’s soup. “Wow! Not too fickin’ shabby. Needs salt, but then again, everything needs salt.”

Oric turns to Ryuk. “So that’s what happened here?”

“It is, and also, I wanted to thank you for introducing us to Lothar. He was very helpful, and his information made it very easy for us to find the first two runestones.”

“And the third? There are three, correct?”

“That’s right, Conan,” Hiccup says as soup dribbles down his chest.

“And where is Wolf?” Oric asks, a hint of worry in his voice.

“He is resting at Lothar’s,” Zaena says. “We are all going back there soon to take the airship to the Sabors. We will meet Wolf and FeeTwix there.”

“FeeTwix is with him?”

“Wrong again, Tarzan! FeeTwix is at the shooting range with Dirty Dave, fickin’ shit up.”

“Okay.”

“What? Don’t believe me?”

“I didn’t say that.” Oric places both hands on his hips. “I’d like to join you in the Sabors, if that’s possible.”

“Definitely,” says Ryuk as Oric’s stats appear.

Oric Rune Level 58 Warrior Berserker

HP: 3104/3104

ATK: 554

MATK: 11

DEF: 467

MDF: 389

LUCK: 31

He’s level fifty, so that means enemies will be harder, but we’ll also have Oric and Wolf to help out for the toughest battles. Ryuk remembers what Lothar said about the battle ahead being especially tough. “We could actually use you there.”

Spoon in his mouth, Hiccup counts the Mitherfickers up. “Twixy, Liz, Wolfy, Elfie, He-Man, Marbles, Uncle Goblin. Fick me, seven is my lucky number!”

Enway, who has just brought a bowl of soup to Zaena, laughs. “Seven is everyone’s lucky number.”

“Alternative fact. Goblins hate the number seven. Notice there were no seven-story buildings in Jatla?”

Ryuk shakes his head. “I noticed there were no four-story buildings in Jatla.”

“Four is also an unlucky number. Point is, kiddos, most goblins don’t like the number seven, those superstitious fickers. Me? No problem with the number seven. I don’t like the number six, though.”

So, goblins that don’t like the number seven are superstitious, but a goblin who doesn’t like the number six isn’t? Ryuk sighs. Goblin logic.

Oric nods to Ryuk. “Come, I want to show you something.”

“Don’t you want some soup, Ryuk?” Enway asks.

“I’ll have his if he ain’t eating.” Hiccup finishes his bowl and is just about to toss it over his shoulder when Zaena gives him a dirty look. “Fine, I’ll behave.”

“I’ll have it in just a moment,” Ryuk says. “After, let’s get to Waringtla and regroup with FeeTwix and Wolf.”

Zaena smiles at the mention of FeeTwix’s name. “Sounds good.”

(0)__(0)

“He’s huge now,” Ryuk says as he takes in Yangu. Now bigger than Wolf, the snow dragon is easily big enough for a single person to ride. How he has grown so fast is beyond the Ballistics Mage. He knew they were supposed to mature quickly, and even though he was aware that it would only take a few in-game days, he’s still shocked to see Yangu so large.

“Yeah, he’s pretty awesome.” Oric drops to his knees and the snow dragon comes running over to him.

Yangu stops when he sees Ryuk, and goes to the Ballistics Mage instead.

“Ah, I figured you bonded with him.”

“I did.” Ryuk places his hand on Yangu’s snout. The snow dragon’s scales are icy cold, his eyes as red as Enway’s. As Ryuk touches his face, Yangu makes a purring sound in his chest.

“They grow so quickly here in Tritania, unnaturally so,” says Oric. “He should be able to speak to you in a day or so.”

“Was it different in Unigaea?”

“It was, but that’s neither here nor there.” A grimace spreads across the Unigaean’s face.

“I see.”

“There are a couple things I wanted to discuss with you. First, I see that Enway has taken on the powers of an Hourglass Mage.”

“Lothar said you had some experience with this. Is it dangerous?”

Oric smiles and Ryuk swears he sees something flash across his eyes. “It is, but the power has been stripped of some of its potential here, and rightfully so.”

“I think Lothar said that some of the pages had been taken out of her Book of Time.”

Yangu falls onto his side and rolls over, letting Ryuk touch his soft belly.

“Yes, some pages have been removed.” Oric smiles grimly. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me and my relationship with that book. Let’s just say that, at least for now, it’s better to not have access to all the spells. Now onto my second question: what is your guild’s, or should I say our guild’s, fighting style?”

“Fighting style?” Ryuk bites his lip as he thinks of a way to describe it.

“How does everyone fight?”

“Well, Zaena uses her swords. She has four swords. I’d say she’s our tank, even if Hiccup is better armored.”

“Right, she’s Thulean. And Enway is an Hourglass Mage, so I know what she’s capable of. What about the Swedish one?”

“FeeTwix has an endless inventory list. He uses firearms a lot and drinks potions to cover the damage penalty. Sometimes, he does ad reads during combat. Um, what else? His list can be pretty helpful because he has a lot of different items, not just guns.”

“Interesting. And Hiccup?”

Ryuk thinks for a moment as to how he could describe Hiccup’s fighting style. “He uses shields and axes. He is kind of our wildcard. If someone needs to be sent in as bait, or we need someone to come in for a rogue-like knife in the back, that’s Hiccup. He’s also our laziest member yet, for some reason, he seems to save the day quite a bit.”

“And you?”

“I shoot marbles.” Ryuk clears his throat. “Let me rephrase: I am a Ballistics Mage. My first weapon was a slingshot. One of FeeTwix’s fans made me a Marble Gun, and Dirty Dave recently gave me a Marble Shotgun.” Ryuk equips the shotgun and proudly shows Oric how it works.

“And your marble types? I am assuming there are types.”

“I have explosive marbles, molten lava marbles, aqua marbles, gravity marbles, sword marbles, and clear marbles, which are wildcards.”

“Like Hiccup?”

“Yes, unpredictable.”

“Show me the sword marble.”

Ryuk’s Marble Shotgun pixelates out of existence and he takes his slingshot off his belt. He places the gray sword marble in the slingshot.

As he pulls back on the pocket, a sword stretches into existence.

Thwhip!

The sword digs into Enway’s fence, startling Yangu. The snow dragon’s natural response is to coat the sword with a sheet of ice.

“Damn,” Oric says. “That was impressive.”

“The dragon or the marble?”

“Both. I don’t think Yangu is going to stay this size for long. He could come in handy in the Sabors…”

“Are you suggesting what I think you are suggesting?” Ryuk asks, his eyebrow raising.

Oric nods, a grin spreading across his face. “Let’s bring him too.”

.19. Swords at Play

The Mitherfickers, along with Oric and Yangu, spawn in Waringtla. If the passing giants are fazed by seeing such a motley crew, none of them say anything about it. Most are either on their way to work, to travel, or returning home to Waringtla. The richer giants have people carrying their bags, the poorer ones carry their bags themselves.

“Just goes to show you that classism is a giant issue. Ha! Like what I did there? Also, Snowballs is mine to ride, Ryuk. When he’s bigger, you can saddle up next to me, but no fickery.”

“Hiccup, no one said you could ride anything.”

“That’s why I’m calling dibs. And really, think about it. Zaena is too tall to ride, plus she’s half lizard so that’s some sort of species abuse.”

“Thuleans ride dragons, goblin.”

“And she’s racist, and a young and moldable mind like the one Snowballs has doesn’t need to deal with that bullshit. Besides, you shouldn’t ride him because you need the exercise.”

Ryuk shakes his head. “I need the exercise?”

“Marbles, you’re never going to bulk up like Conan over here if you don’t put the time in.” Hiccup waddles over to Yangu. He blows some snot into his hands, flicks it out, and places the same hand on the dragon’s neck.  “Don’t worry, boy, it’s just you and me. Ignore these fickers.”

“And why can’t I ride it?” Enway asks.

“Because you’re a high elf. High elves are too hoity toity to ride dragons. Have some self-respect. Okay, Snowballs, drop a little so your elder can hop on.”

“Hiccup, we only have to walk like fifty meters to get to our airship.”

“Marbles, let me have my fun.”

The dragon responds to Hiccup’s command, and soon, the only thing keeping the goblin’s lemon pepper diffuser away from Yangu’s upper back is a thin layer of fabric.

FeeTwix and Wolf spawn. “Fick! We got a dragon everybody! Looking good on there, Hiccup. The Fickers are going to love this.”

“Want me to pose?”

“Do it!” the Swede says, his eyes black as a starless night.

While Hiccup poses, Wolf quickly makes his way over to Oric.

The two greet each other, and Ryuk notices a deep, genuine smile spread across Oric’s face. The warrior drops to one knee next to his canine companion and begins stroking the fur on the side of his neck.

“Get a room, you two!” Hiccup calls over to them. “Now, Snowballs, to the airship!”

The ice dragon turns to the airships just as Zaena approaches him from the right. The Thulean makes a cooing sound and Yangu responds.

“Liz, quit distracting him with your cookie monster talk.”

“We’re not going to be able to take him on,” Enway says, pulling Ryuk aside.

“Trust me, we’ll get it on,” Oric assures her. “Service animal, works every time.”

“For a dragon?” FeeTwix asks skeptically. “I mean, maybe a pug or possibly a Yorkshire terrier, but a dragon?”

“Just say the goblin has a mental disorder and the dragon makes him feel better.” Oric thinks for a moment. “Or better, that it stops him from lashing out.”

Ryuk laughs. “I don’t think anyone will believe that.”

“Just trust me,” Oric says, turning towards the ships. “Someone booked a ship for us, right?”

The Mitherfickers exchange glances. Enway finally says, “Really, guys? No one?”

“I was busy shooting my guns,” FeeTwix says. “Also, one of my fans just won big league! She actually guessed how many times Hiccup said ‘fick’ yesterday. Congrats Ciayraa J.P.!”

“Oh, what the fick ever, Twixy. I hardly use that word. And what kind of name is J.P. anyway?”

“Those are called initials, Hiccup!”

“I thought you or Ryuk would be booking the tickets,” the Thulean princess tells FeeTwix, interrupting the goblin just as he was about to start up a rant.

Ryuk shrugs. “That was the last thing on my mind.”

“What was the first thing?” Hiccup asks.

“Helping you get revenge on Og.”

The goblin chortles. “That’s right! Fick would I like to be a fly on the wall when all those one percenters dig into their dessert tomorrow and light each other on fire.”

“What?” Oric asks, an eyebrow raising.

“Long story, that I’ll gladly tell you on the airship over to the Sabors. Now, who the fick has the tickets? Because I sure as fick don’t, and Snowballs here can’t speak yet, so he doesn’t.”

Wolf barks.

Wolf has the tickets? Ryuk looks at the big black beast just as a small envelope materializes in his maw.

“You’ve got to be fickin’ kidding me.”

Oric takes the envelope from Wolf’s mouth. It is surprisingly not very wet. “It’s from Lothar.”

“And it has the tickets?” Zaena asks.

“It does, six to be exact.”

“How the hell does a dog have an inventory list?” FeeTwix asks.

“If anyone knows,” says Oric, “it’s Lothar.”

“Six tickets, eh? That’s a bad number right there.” Hiccup shudders. “And what about Snowballs and Wolfballs?”

“Service animals, like I said.” Oric tucks the envelope down the front of his armor. He’s worn the same leather armor since Ryuk first met him. It’s high quality, but it doesn’t look like it would protect him much. “Trust me on the service animals part. Just play along. Wait, you know what? Just be yourself. I’ll handle it from there.”

(0)__(0)

Oric indeed handles the situation once they reach the ticket gate. With a terrible cough, he explains that he has a bond with the wolf and it’s the only thing keeping him alive, that they’re going to visit a shaman in the Sabors who can cure him. He then explains that the snow dragon is Hiccup’s comfort pet, that he gets really grouchy if Yangu isn’t around.

“That seems feasible,” the giant at the ticket counter says. He is heavy-set with a soul patch that he’s shaped into a pretty wicked spike. “You may all pass.”

“Fick yeah,” Hiccup whispers.

Because of the size of Wolf and Yangu, the Mitherfickers are told that they need to stay on the main deck. Ryuk would be fine with this if it weren’t for the fact that they are heading to the northeastern quadrant of Polynya, where it is much colder than the southern half.

As the airship lifts into the air, he can feel the bitter cold of the northern slopes descending upon them.

Not that he hasn’t felt this kind of cold before – there are parts of Ultima Thule that are even colder than this – but it’s the humidity that makes it feel ten degrees colder.

Even now, as the rudders of the airship flap and the captain calls out for the masts to change direction, Ryuk can feel his chattering teeth as the sharp cold cuts into his bones.

“Marbles is turning blue. Who has a jacket?” asks Hiccup, who now sits on an overturned bucket next to Yangu.

FeeTwix, already in a parka, albeit sleeveless, raises his hand. One pixel-ly flash later and he holds a thick, white, fur-lined jacket. “How’s this?” He tosses the jacket to Ryuk and the Ballistics Mage readily puts it on.

“Better,” he says, still shivering.

Zaena now wears a robe, the neck of which is lined with a shiny, sable-like fur. Enway also has a parka, off white and form fitting.

“Yep, it’s going to be cold,” Oric says, going for a lavender cloak.

“Ha!” Hiccup points at the warrior’s long cloak. “Never thought of you as a purple guy.”

“Laugh all you want, goblin. I’ll be warm while you’ll be freezing your ass off.”

“My ass is just fine, thank-you-very-much. And I don’t need a jacket like you poofters. I have natural warmth.” He touches his considerable girth. “Although my head is getting a little cold.” He tries a gold helm but realizes quickly that this won’t help. “Got any cool warm hats, FeeTwix?”

“I have a balaclava.”

“A what? Keep the fickery to a minimum please, I’m looking for something warm.”

FeeTwix shows Hiccup the balaclava, black with holes where the eyes, nose, and mouth should be.

“Oh, that’s a balaclava!”

“You should know what it is, goblin. It is your nickname for Aiden.”

“Who?” he asks Zaena. “Oh, you mean the Knight’s ninja man? Fick, I don’t remember calling him that. At any rate, hand that shit over.”

Hiccup, still on an overturned bucket, puts the balaclava on and stretches it out in the process. “Nice, keeps my nose warm too.”

“So, what’s the plan when we get in the Sabors?” Ryuk asks, taking the lead.

Oric is the first to answer. “I’m assuming we will have to fight our way to the person who holds the runestone.”

“Skadi,” Enway says, “at least that is what Lothar told us.”

“If Lothar told you this, it is true. He is rarely wrong,” Oric says solemnly. “I’ve already discussed fighting strategy with Ryuk.”

“Have you?” Zaena asks.

“Yes, and I’m aware of your fighting styles.”

“And what’s your style?” she asks, her eyes narrowing as she looks him over.

“Similar to yours. I’ll go in front for maximum advantage. My weapon is short.” He brandishes his buster sword, the tip of which is broken into three distinct peaks.

“That’s right, it’s broken.”

“It is,” he says as he admires the blade, “and I’ve purposefully kept it this way.”

Zaena looks at him suspiciously. “That seems like a terrible idea.”

“Do you want to see it in action?” he asks, not a hint of animosity in his voice.

A snarl now on her face, Zaena brandishes two blades, the schwing of which nearly causes Hiccup to hop off his stool. “Shit! You two are going at it? Damn, this is going to be fickin’ tighter than a Jatlan chalupa trap. Twix, I got fickin’ fifty thousand rupees on Liz. Marbles, popcorn, now.”

“Relax, Hiccup, they’re not actually going to fight each other...are they?” The Swede eyes Zaena suspiciously.

The Thulean drops into a battle stance, and using a move Ryuk has seen her do countless times, she propels her body forward with her ghost limbs. She comes down hard with both blades.

Much to her surprise, Oric manages to catch them both in the grooves of his buster sword.

“Ha!” Zaena kicks off his chest, but the warrior from Unigaea holds his ground. His legs spread wide, he gets into a defensive position, awaiting Zaena’s next move.

“Kick his chiseled ass, Liz!”

Chiseled ass? Ryuk shakes his head.

“I’m glad to see the guild has warmed up to me. Are we finished here yet?” Oric asks, breathing heavily now.

Two more blades appear in the air above Zaena, held by her invisible ghost limbs.

“I guess not,” Oric says, blowing a strand of hair out of his face.

“Easy, Babe!” FeeTwix says as the Thulean warrior princess spins into action.

Zaena performs an aerial blade attack which Oric swipes down as if she were a fly.

She flies backwards and is caught by FeeTwix, who takes a good bit of damage from one of her blades.

“Shit just got real!” Hiccup cracks up. “Marbles, popcorn, pronto.”

“Shut up, Hiccup!”

Hiccup looks to Wolf, and Ryuk swears a grin spreads on Wolf’s face.

Not you too, he thinks as Zaena springs back into action, this time going for a series of quick thrusts to distract from the fact that she’s trying to use her ghost limbs to stab Oric from behind.

With little effort, Oric swings wide to knock her first blades aside; he follows his blade around to take out the ones now descending upon him from behind.

His strike connects and Zaena actually loses one of her blades, the first time Ryuk can recall seeing this happen.

She curses in Thulean as she backflips away.

“Everyone should bring it down a notch,” Enway says.

“Like fick they should. We want blood! We want blood!”

The fact that this is happening on the deck of an airship doesn’t seem to bother the Thulean. While some patrons have gathered to watch the fight from the upper deck, most ignore the clink and clank of the swords.

“Can we finish up now?” Oric asks.

Zaena bares her teeth.

“Fick, Liz, there’s probably a dentist in Jatla that could fix that grill up for you. Cheap too. Don’t even need healthcare, Marbles, to visit the dentist I know.”

“Quiet!” Zaena rolls her neck back and goes for an attack that mirrors the way a cobra strikes.

She attempts multiple times to stab her blades at Oric, each attack blocked or parried.

Oric fights in a self-taught way, a style of combat that can only be developed from years and years of hand-to-hand combat.

He’s broken a sweat, at least Zaena can say that, but he doesn’t appear to be struggling other than that.

Zaena tries again for an aerial attack and Oric manages to strike both of her blades away.

Taken over by animosity, she lets loose a trio of throwing knives, which Oric easily blocks. With this as her distraction, the Thulean tries, scorpion-like, to drive her final blade into the top of Oric’s head.

Flourishing his blade, he pulls right just as she increases her force, and uses her downward momentum to knock the blade from her ghost limb.

“Aye!” Zaena comes in with fists this time, which Oric dodges.

“Shit,” FeeTwix says, concern growing on his face. “Hey, let’s chill out, everybody! Who’s up for, um, a game of Three Cards?”

“Fick yeah, Twixy, but you better have some jewels and only after somebody in this fight dies. I’ve got two dogs in this fight.”

“What?” Ryuk asks as Oric blocks Zaena’s chop with his forearm. “You mean Wolf?”

“Fick, Marbles, it’s an expression. Shit, Liz, uppercut! Knock that ficker’s mullet off! Thatta girl!” Hiccup uses his good hand to whistle for Zaena. “Chalupa, get that ficker’s chalupa!”

Wolf barks, his comical expression from earlier all but gone. Ryuk looks at Wolf and his aggressive stance.

He’s clearly looking for an opening, Ryuk gulps. If I don’t stop this soon…

Before Ryuk can say anything, Oric knocks Zaena’s arms out of the way and brings his splintered sword to a spot just beneath her chin.

She lifts her nose just a bit, still defiant as she stares him down with her orange eyes.

“You are strong,” she says, not flinching.

Ryuk, on the other hand, feels the tension strike him like a wave. One glance at Enway and he sees her gasp.

“And you are fast and formidable,” Oric says. “Shall we end this now?”

Zaena’s face hardens. “If we must.”

“We can pick it back up another day.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Oric sheathes his blade and turns away, not at all afraid of the fact that he’s exposed his back to her.

He walks over to Wolf and places a hand on his head. “Easy, boy,” he says as Wolf sits onto his back legs.

Zaena turns to FeeTwix; he comes in to hug her, but she holds him back with her ghost limbs. “He’s strong,” she says, bitterly.

“You’re strong too, babe. Don’t worry. Don’t let it get to you.”

Hiccup chortles. “Fick me, Liz, don’t get your thong up in a bunch. You wear a thong, right? I used to, but that shit caused some massive chafing down south, so I had to leave it in Spewy’s mailbox. Point is: everyone loses, and everyone is a loser. Including He-Man over there. I’m sure he’s had his ass handed to him.”

“I have,” Oric says as he runs his hand through his hair, “multiple times.”

“See?”

“Quiet, goblin,” she says half-heartedly.

“Come on, Lizzy, don’t let that beefed up pug ficker get the best of you. Let me get the best of you instead! Howzabout a game of Three Cards? Who’s in? We’ll play for favors this time. Everyone has one favor they can give away or collect. Fick yes, this will be awesome. Marbles, get some paper and write everyone’s name.”

“I don’t have any paper.”

Hiccup shakes his head incredulously at Marbles. “What part of ‘I’m trying to cheer Liz up’ do you not comprehend? Find some paper. Shit, I’m sure someone has some. Fick, I bet I have some. Ask me for some paper.”

Ryuk sighs. “Can I have some paper?”

“Fick no, Marbles, get your own paper!”

(0)__(x)

The airship stops at the entrance to the Sabors, which from what Ryuk can gather is the far end of a glacier. The icy ground hasn’t prevented Unigaeans from thriving here, at least in the safer part of the territory. Like humans back in the real world, they’ll live anywhere as long as they can get access to basics such as food and water.

“We’d better stock up,” FeeTwix says as he turns towards the small village of nomadic herders. Similar to the herders they saw riding griffins at Lake Klattenhoff, back when Ryuk first tested his gravity marbles, the Polynian herders are a hardy bunch, stout with faces that have been heavily lashed by the cold winds.

“Good idea,” Hiccup says as he kicks over a snowdrift. He wears the balaclava FeeTwix gave him, and as usual, the bottom of his belly is visible. “Chalupa is going to shrivel if I don’t get something warm in me.”

“There isn’t time to eat, goblin,” says the Thulean, who walks at his side. Still reeling from her loss to Oric, Zaena hasn’t said much over the last hour.

“Liz, if there’s time to fick, time to shop, time to drink, or time to fight, there’s time to eat. I’ll get it to-go. If we’re fickin’ lucky, Dirty Dave will have a pop-up barbeque shop around here. I loves me a fickin’ food truck.”

Hiccup looks around at the scattering of yurts and the four or five buildings made of wood. The small settlement seems as if it can be deconstructed overnight and quickly moved to another location.

“Fick, I’m guessing there’s no DD’s BBQ, and the locals don’t look so tasty either. Whatever. We’d better get some food in me, if we want to keep my mood stable.”

Oric laughs. “You are the worst member of this group, aren’t you?”

“No comment,” says the Swede, who quickly turns back to the mirror in his hand so he can finish his ad read, something about a credit card offer from Chase Bank of America Fargo with a low interest rate of 35%, after an introductory interest rate of 25%, and other perks from using the card including a complicated point system that only kicks in if you maintain a credit balance that is at least 75% of the credit limit.

“Fick you, Twixy, and anyone stupid enough to consider what you just said a good offer. To answer your questions, Conan, the worst members of the Mitherfickers in order are Marbles, Elfie, Liz, Twixy, Snowballs, Wolf, you, and me. Who’d I miss?” He counts on his mechanical fingers for a moment. “Fick, two’s company, three’s a crowd, but eight is a fickin’ orgy. Japanese orgy probably. Those fickers are probably into all sorts of weird sex shit. I would be if I lived on an island.”

Ryuk rolls his eyes. “First, how did you know Japan is an island, and second, you do live on an island, a floating island.”

“It’s a fickin’ continent, Marbles, and while Tritania may not be contiguous – go ahead, I’ll wait for you to look that word up – it doesn’t mean it’s a fickin’ island.” Hiccup’s nostrils flare. “I smell food. Meat. Find the meat, Wolfy!”

Wolf barks and circles around the goblin.

“He usually doesn’t like new people, at least goblins.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hiccup asks Oric.

“He has liked women in the past.”

“Have you seen the size of Wolf’s red rocket? Fick yes he likes women, and I’d bet they like him too.”

“Red rocket?” Enway looks to Ryuk, but before he can say anything, Yangu races forward. “Hey!” he calls after the ice dragon.

“Snowballs, get your ass over here.”

Surprisingly, the dragon obeys Hiccup. He stops, and the goblin places his hand on his snout. “I know he has been a bad father, an absent dad, and I know we can’t really say his name right now because he could retaliate, but I need you to be on good behavior, okay?”

Yangu coos.

“Good, we’re on the same fickin’ page.”

“There’s an item shop!” FeeTwix points at a small building with a carved sign over the door that reads WARES.

“That’s right!” A gnome steps out from the back of the group, startling everyone but Oric.

“Fick.” Hiccup bristles. “Don’t do shit like that, Shorty!”

“Actually, the name is Walley, and that’s my shop. Walley’s Wares. Will you be joining me?”

Ryuk looks at the small wooden building, no larger than a shed. “There are eight of us.”

“No problem, kiddo, there’s plenty of room in Walley’s Wares, no matter your guild count. We’ve crammed fifteen in there before. Let’s go!”

Walley snaps his fingers, and suddenly the Mitherfickers are standing inside a huge shop, easily the size of Seiyu. Just to confirm they haven’t actually left the village, Ryuk looks to the windows, which are now floor to ceiling, and beyond them to confirm the spot they were just standing. The air smells of apples and cinnamon, a crisp and inviting scent that leaves Ryuk smiling.

“I love Tritania,” Enway says, and Ryuk can’t help but agree with her.

“We’ll cut to the chase, Walley, because we have places to go and quests to slay. We need potions,” FeeTwix tells the gnome. “And lots of them.”

“Fick yeah, and not the shitty ones,” says the goblin. “Hopkins’ or Cherry Apollos, bacon-flavor if you have them.”

Walley runs his hand through his beard. He’s in similar clothing to the herders they saw outside, but there’s something very custom about it, as if he’s gone to a good tailor but told him to make sure he blends in with the locals. “I have two cases of Apollos, one Hopkins’. Will you take the lot?”

“Bacon-flavored?” Hiccup asks.

“I was going to suggest we don’t get bacon-flavored, but Wolf may like it,” Oric adds. The Unigaean warrior stands on the outer rim of the group. He seems a bit distant, and Ryuk has a feeling that he will always be this way.

As Walley informs Hiccup that one of the cases is bacon-flavored, Wolf and Yangu begin to play.

Wolf makes sure the growing snow dragon doesn’t knock anything over, but fails miserably to prevent the dragon from freezing a mannequin in a fur-lined parka.

“That’s all right,” Walley says, his smile shattering. “But if you could get your animals under control... ”

“Yangu.” As soon as Ryuk says the words, the dragon rushes over to him and stops at his side. He sits, his blue scaled tale curling around to the front. As he looks up at Ryuk, Enway approaches and places a hand on his head.

Yangu bares his teeth in what looks to be a smile.

“So, three cases of healing potions. And what else, adventurers? Weapons? Tents?”

“Mana potions,” Enway says, “just in case.”

“A case you said?”

“No, just in case.”

“A case will be fine,” FeeTwix says. “And we’re good with the other items.”

“I see.” Walley busies himself for a moment as he whips up a bill of sale. “There is one thing I like to offer all my guests, and that is a cup of Walley’s Special Apple Cider.”

“Does it have meat?” the goblin asks.

“No, but it will instantly increase your stamina and reduce hunger for the next several hours.”

“Great, but I need meat. This body doesn’t fuel itself, and especially not on fickin’ apple juice.”

“Um, very well, the rest of you may enjoy the cider and you, goblin, shall enjoy a bowl of Saborian dumpling soup made with ice fox jerky.”

“I’ll have what he’s having,” Oric says.

“Same,” says Zaena.

“I see.” Walley clears his throat. “Then that settles it, cider and dumpling soup!”

.20. Flaming Zombie Dwarves and a Sad Game of Touch Chest

“Fick me thrice and slather me in holy water, that soup was good!”

The Mitherfickers now stand on the outskirts of the small village, near a sign warning to be careful when entering the Sabors. From where they stand, the entrance is about thirty meters away, through a small gully that has been frozen over for ages. The air is bitingly cold, even with the fact that the sun is high in the sky.

While the cider did warm Ryuk some, it has done little to stop his face from feeling cold and his eyelashes from occasionally getting icy.

The guild continues forward, FeeTwix in the lead and now wearing a pair of knee-high snow boots, an impulse buy at Walley’s Wares.

They hardly make it thirty meters before Hiccup complains about the pain in his back and calls Yangu over. The goblin mounts up and goes for one of the Cherry Apollos, which he eventually throws over his shoulder, almost hitting Ryuk in the head.

“Do you see that?” Oric asks about twenty minutes later, interrupting Hiccup’s diatribe about child labor laws in Tritania and how more children should work so older people don’t have to.

Ryuk pauses, his Extreme Focus skill kicking into gear. The world around him thins to a dark whisper as his eyes gloss over every small detail in the terrain. Listen to the quiet voice  – Hajime’s Oblique Quote comes to him.

It is then that he notices some of the snow on the ground has frozen over, and that the frozen snow looks to be in the shape of melted footprints.

“What could do that?” he asks.

“Everyone, get ready!” Armor forms on Oric’s body. Thick pauldrons, a muscled breastplate, gauntlets, and tassets with gold inlay, Oric’s armor makes him look incredibly formidable.

“What the fick is everyone going on about?” Hiccup asks, his eyes wide with fear under his black balaclava.

“The afflicted are near,” Oric whispers.

“The afflicted?” Zaena’s orange eyes settle on a bend in the road.

“Afflicted, huh?” FeeTwix’s brow furrows as he reads messages from his fans. “Damn, that sounds bad, everybody.”

A group of pyro-afflicted dwarves, six in total, step onto the path. Ryuk tries to get a read on the six flaming dwarves, but fails.

Their stats aren’t listed, and there are no icons above their heads. They could be any level, he thinks, as he empties one of his mags and fills it with aqua marbles. If anything will work, it’ll be my new marbles.

“Are they zombies?” the Swede asks, his shotgun appearing in his other hand. Like he was auditioning for a role in a zompac flick that hit all the tropes, FeeTwix does the one-handed shotgun pump with considerable flare.

“They’re not exactly zombies.” Oric flourishes his splintered buster sword. “Pyro affliction is a virus that causes the person’s body to burn eternally. They are still alive, even though they are on fire.”

“Did you say it’s a virus? I’ve never heard of this shit,” Hiccup says, fear evident on his face even though he wears a black mask.

“It’s a virus from Unigaea, a sickness that came with one of the people I brought here.”

“Are you fickin’ kidding me?” Hiccup throws his hands in the air. “Does everyone now understand what I mean when I say immiNPCs bring disease, and that extreme vetting is pretty much the only way to make Tritania great again?”

“Just get ready, goblin!”

“Fick, Liz, when you put it like that.” A small tomahawk appears in his mechanical hand, a shield the size of a stop sign on his left arm. He’s still on Yangu’s back; the dragon doesn’t really know how to respond other than to observe the approaching dwarves cautiously.

“How do we kill the fire dwarves?” Zaena asks, all four of her swords now equipped. The flames lick off their bodies, obscuring their faces. “And why haven’t they attacked us?”

“They haven’t attacked us because their leader hasn’t instructed them too,” Oric says, his sword at the ready.

Their leader?

His Extreme Focus takes over his viewing pane, and Ryuk sees that one of the dwarves has a different glow than the others. He’s a bigger dwarf too, the flames flickering off his body only adding to his size.

Zaena slashes her swords together. “Neutralize them?”

Oric nods at the Thulean, his fist tightening around his sword as an electrically charged shield appears on his free arm. “Arms and legs have to go, head too. One more thing: don’t let them touch you. If they touch you, you become one of them.”

“For how long?” Ryuk asks quickly.

He swallows hard, fear writ large on his face. “Don’t know. In Unigaea, you could never use that same avatar again. I don’t know what happens here, though. Wolf, stay back. Zaena, come with me.”

Oric charges forward and meets the first afflicted dwarf, Zaena on his heels.

(0)__(0)

The Thulean warrior princess uses her limbs to springboard over Oric. She finishes her forward flip and takes off the arms of the afflicted engaging Oric.

The man falls and scoots on the ground towards Oric, hellbent on reaching the Unigaean warrior.

Six shots later and Ryuk quickly realizes that his aqua marbles have little effect on the afflicted. As soon as the marbles hit, they instantly dissolve, the air filling with steam.

Wolf barks from the sidelines just as Enway hits one of the smaller afflicted with a pink blast of magic.

The dwarf shrieks as the fires on his body rage even harder.

“What was that?” Ryuk calls over to her.

“Metastasize wound. It doesn’t seem to be working though.”

Oric hops right just as Zaena takes the legs from the afflicted that already lost his arms.

“Defensive magic only,” he calls to Enway. “Time magic won’t work on these fuckers. Wolf!”

The towering black wolf races by and Oric latches on to his body.

He rides Wolf like Hiccup? Ryuk thinks as the two sprint by, smoke, steam, and fire filling the air around them.

“Fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, I’m out!” FeeTwix laughs maniacally.

Clickety-boom!

The Swede creates a basketball-sized hole in the chest of one of the afflicted. He one-arm pumps his shotgun and blows another dwarf away. “Headshots work, people! And that goes for all three million of you watching my feed. When faced with zombies, or creatures based on zombies, your good ol’ fashioned headshot will do the trick! Speaking of headshots...”

One of the afflicted comes up behind FeeTwix and he spins, popping the afflicted dwarf in the chest with his fire extinguisher. “Where was I? Ah! Speaking of headshots, it’s time to tweak that resume! Employers care how you look, and what better way to show them how stunning you are than a high quality, professional headshot from Walgreens CVS. Now I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking…”

“Fickin’ huckster ass fickboy, Twixy, fick, stop doing ad reads and start killing the flaming zombie dwarves!” Hiccup’s eyes go wide. “We’ve got company, Mitherfickers, more dwarves approaching.”

“I’ve got it, Hiccup!” A grenade appears in FeeTwix’s hand. He pulls the ring with his teeth, aims, and throws.

Shit, shit, shit, Ryuk thinks as he quickly races through his options. My gravity marbles could help, as could my sword and clear marbles.

The problem is, he’s so used to going with ballistics that he doesn’t really have these loaded up. His shotgun is loaded with explosive marbles, and all but one of his Marble Gun mags are either molten marbles, molten black mix, or black and sword marbles.

BOOM!

FeeTwix’s explosion sends flaming dwarves and debris into the air.

“Headshots work! Grenades too!” FeeTwix shouts to either his fans or the Mitherfickers. Ryuk really can’t tell.

Wolf skids to a halt and Oric uses the forward momentum to toss himself forward. His splintered sword in hand, he swipes his beast of a weapon at the leader of the afflicted. The dwarf, his fists in flames, tries to catch Oric’s blade.

The dwarf’s hands fly away, hit the ground and pulse.

Oric, nearly as fast as Zaena, jukes the leader out, making him think his next attack is going to come in from the right. When it comes in from the left, the leader dwarf is caught off guard, resulting in a downward swipe from Oric, which takes the dwarf’s head and arm off.

“Hiccup, I need Yangu!”

“Fick you, Marbles, this is my ride!”

Ryuk grits his teeth. “Dammit, Hiccup! Yangu, here, now!”

The snow dragon stops dead in his tracks and bucks up, throwing the goblin off.

“Yoy!” Hiccup crash-lands into a boulder-sized hunk of ice. The goblin’s mechanical hand immediately comes to his lower back; he groans and moans as a healing potion takes shape in his hand.

Once he’s finished his first potion, he equips a second.

“What are you thinking?” Enway calls over to Ryuk as Yangu races over to him. Not knowing how she can help, Enway has her wand at the ready, tracking the combat.

Meanwhile, Zaena has taken on three pyro-afflicted dwarves. She hops around like a doped up Russian gymnast, simultaneously engaging and dodging a myriad of sloppy attacks.

“Aye!” The Thulean throws her whole body into an attack and cuts the arms and head off a dwarf still in a horned helm.

“I’ve got a plan!” Ryuk points at the afflicted about fifty meters away, their numbers strengthening as they swell towards the Mitherfickers. “Yangu,” Ryuk asks, looking into the eyes of the snow dragon. “Are you ready to do this?”

“What are you going to do?” Enway asks, concern in her eyes.

The dragon barks, his eyes now tracking the approaching afflicted. Ryuk loads three aqua marbles into his slingshot and pulls back on the pouch.

“You know what to do?” he asks Yangu.

A vicious smile stretches across the dragon’s face.

“Then let’s do this!”

(0)__(x)

Ryuk pulls back until the slingshot is at its breaking point. Images from the last few days flash across his mind’s eye: Tamana standing over him, Tesla about to decommission Hajime, his brother punching him.

His muscles tense as he pulls back even further.

Warmth spreads from the slingshot to his hand and he ignores it.

I’ve got this.

He looses the three aqua marbles and they soar through the air.

Yangu rears his head back and spits a thick stream of blue flames at the aqua marbles. As soon as his blue fire connects with the marbles, a four meter long ice scythe takes shape.

Ryuk hardly has time to lower his slingshot before the ice scythe sails through the air, decapitating nearly every pyro-afflicted dwarf advancing on the Mitherfickers.

Skill level up!

New skill learned!

Level up!

Ryuk quickly notices his Bonding Trust has moved to level two.

He’s also gotten a new skill.

Skill: Ice Scythe

Level One: Work in tandem with your bonded animal to create a scythe made of ice.

Requirements: Level 20 Mage, Bonding Trust level two or higher.

“Wow!” Enway cheers. “That was awesome!”

“Three more to kill!” A bewildered look in her eyes, Zaena flings herself towards the remaining flaming dwarves using her ghost limbs.

She spins into action, her swords flailing all around her and she goes from limb to limb. The Thulean finishes the last afflicted and drops to her haunches, her back to the group.

“Damn, Liz, if only you’d done that back there to Conan. Ha! And fick me, Marbles, if it weren’t for the fact you just saved our asses, I’d be pissed about the way you stole Yangu out from under me, but seeing how I didn’t get my ass burnt and I got to enjoy a few potions, I’m good. Liz…”

Hiccup’s mocking smile fades as the Thulean turns to them. “Shit! Zaena, I mean, Liz, shit! Are you okay?”

Ryuk gasps as the Thulean approaches, an infection visible on her right hand.  Her skin has cracked, and beneath it, moving lava pulses, some portions bright red and the others charcoal.

“Babe!” FeeTwix cries out.

“Don’t touch it,” Oric says.

“Get out of my way!” FeeTwix cries. He tries to move around Oric, but the Unigaean warrior steps in front of him again.

“Relax,” Oric says, his hand rising to the sword on his back.

The Swede pumps his shotgun one-handed and presses it to Oric’s chest. His eyes flash blue. “Out of my way,” he says, his voice drained of all its normal color.

“Put your gun down,” Oric grits. “And don’t do anything stupid. We don’t know how the infection works in Tritania. It could spread if you touch her hand, or it could spread if you touch any part of her.”

“I’m warning you.”

“Cool it, FeeTwix. Think this through, and please lower your gun.”

Wolf circles around to FeeTwix’s side, his head down, his lips raised in a snarl.

“Relax, FeeTwix,” Ryuk starts to say.

“Please, FeeTwix,” says Enway, “think about what you’re doing.”

The Swede glances at Wolf and back to Oric.

“That’s right, FeeTwix. That dog and I have been doing this for quite a while. If I don’t get you,” Oric wraps his hand around the handle of his sword, “he will.”

Hiccup claps his hands together, startling everyone. “First of all, fick you, Tarzan, and the wolf you rode in on. Second, I’ll fickin’ test it.”

The goblin’s chainmail disappears.

“Liz, don’t listen to He-Man, touch me with your non-infected hand and let’s see if it spreads. If it doesn’t, keep touching me. And while we’re at it, Marbles, bring me a healing potion.”

Ryuk starts to tell the goblin he can equip his own potion but decides otherwise, especially after seeing the goblin take another step closer to Zaena.

“Here,” he says, healing potion in hand. A look left and he sees that FeeTwix has lowered his weapon, his face white with shock.

“In my mouth, Marbles, put the potion directly in my mouth.”

“You can still use your hands.”

“I’m aware, but if I’m about to turn into a flaming goblin with a healthy head of pink hair, I want to go out on a fickin’ bang, and that bang is having someone feed me a potion!” He puckers his lips. “Now pour.”

“Hiccup, this is a serious moment,” Ryuk says, his voice lowering. Zaena stands in front of them now, shock still evident in the way she holds her shoulders.

“Dammit, Marbles,” Hiccup says, a hint of something genuine behind his normal goblin snarl, “I know this is serious, kid. I just…I just wanted to make her laugh. Fick. We may have to kill her right here, and if that’s the case, I get to do the honors because, you know, goblins versus lizards and whatnot.”

“I will kill you two years before you kill me,” Zaena says, her voice quivering.

“Yeah, whatever, Liz, I’m just trying to make Marbles laugh over here, everyone lighten up a bit.”

“Are you serious right now?” Ryuk whispers.

“Marbles, if you haven’t figured it out already, I handle tragedy with comedy. Now, stop acting like a genderfluid bush beater and feed me the potion.”

Oric clears his throat.

“Quiet, Tarzan, and I don’t see you stepping in to stop her from touching me like you did FeeTwix.”

“That’s because I don’t like you.”

“Well, fick, someone bring out the Festivus pole, so we can all air our grievances. Marbles, potion, pronto.”

The potion lifts out of Ryuk’s hand.

“I’ll give it to you...” Liz says with a hint of sadness in her voice. “Hiccup.”

“That’ll work too,” he says, his voice lower than before.

“You ready?” Zaena asks.

“I was born ready to die, Mitherfickers.” The goblin opens his mouth wide, and from where he’s standing, Ryuk can see that Hiccup has a few rotten molars, which may explain the smell that usually wafts around him.

No, those are farts, Ryuk reminds himself as Zaena pours the potion into Hiccup’s mouth.

“Damn.” Hiccup burps and Wolf barks. “See that, Conan? You may not like me, but your pooch and I, fick, let me be the first to tell you, we go way back. Way back. Rode that bitch all the way through the catacombs connecting Kayi to Polynya.”

“Whatever.”

Hiccup pulls his shoulders back and shows Zaena his bare chest. “Now fickin’ do it, Liz, do it!”

“Are you sure?” She lifts her non pyro-afflicted hand.

“Fick yes, I’m sure,” the goblin says, tears in his eyes. He sniffs, sucks back some snot, and sniffs again.

“Someone tell Spewy that…fick…don’t tell him I love him, but do tell him that I think of the liddle ficker fondly every now and then. And not in a poofty fruit bat way. I’m charging you with that, Twixy. Spewy lives in Jatla, in the Venom Spur District. Remember that. And Marbles, Spewy gets the five percent you promised me after all is said and done.”

“Two percent.”

“Four.”

“Three.”

“Fine.” Hiccup slams his fist against his chest. “Fick, Liz, do it already, do it. I’m losing my nerve over here! Touch my chest!”

.21. New Recruits for the Shinigami

Kodai stands before the serpent woman, a vicious sneer on his face. “I have news, news I believe you would like to hear.”

An image of naked Tesla on top of him, her hands pressed against his shoulders flashes across his mind’s eye. He blinks it away.

Now isn’t the time.

“Sophia is in Tokyo, yes?”

The woman slithers towards Kodai, her breasts swaying as she moves through the OMIB. It is still something Kodai has to get used to, the OMIB, the endless galaxy around them even as they stand on relatively solid ground.

He looks down to see stars beneath him, as if he were standing on a glass floor overlooking the Milky Way.

Only in a digital world…

“That’s right.” Kodai touches his temples, afraid that she’s read his mind to the point that she knows about his relationship with Tesla. If she has, she doesn’t offer any indication that it bothers her.

“Yes, since we’ve bonded, I can read your thoughts. But back to the information you have brought me: FeeTwix and Sophia have both come to Tokyo to meet your brother.” She grins, green algomagic flashing across her eyes. Her face is normally obscured by shadow but today he can see her features, her solemn expression, her vampiric fangs. “You realize what this means, right?”

“Not quite,” Kodai admits. “I know that the Mitherfickers have met with the Knights, and that Ryuk used to be in the Knights, but I don’t see why it is they have joined together in the real world.”

“Sophia used to work for the DREAM Team. Are you familiar with this?”

“No.”

“Dream Recovery Extraction and Management Team, a program funded by America’s Federal Corporate Government, or the FCG, to help free players who were trapped in digital worlds. Since the Proxima Company held the biggest number of digital worlds, the Dream Team mostly focused on freeing people who were trapped in those.”

“I don’t understand what this has to do with the Knights.”

“Sophia knows what she is doing, I’ll give her that. The Knights are the guild that was started by the Dream Team when the team first came to Tritania.”

“Why did they come to Tritania?”

“In search of my brother, Luther. My father, Strata Godsick, founder of the Reapers and the Revenue Corporation…”

Kodai nods. He is all too familiar with the Reapers, having listened to the serpent woman’s explanation of the murder guild after their first encounter.

The name of their guild, the Shinigami, was in homage to the Reapers, the Japanese word Shinigami meaning “god of death,” a common translation of the word “reaper.” He also knew that some of the tech they had, weapons they had yet to use, were originally created by Strata Godsick in conjunction with his Meridian Circle.

The woman’s expression sours. “My father was hellbent on finding my brother. Luther was the favorite of the family. Anyway, that’s how the Knights of Non Compos Mentis were formed, and I was once part of their guild.”

“You were a Knight?”

“For a time.” She laughs. “A short time, really. I got close to them using a Dark Mage avatar that I’d worked on for a while named Veenure.”

“So your name is Veenure?”

“No, my name is Victoria, but you may call me Veenure. I created the name to pay homage to my father’s company, the Revenue Corporation.”

“How does that name pay homage?”

“It’s an anagram, but we can discuss my time in the Knights later. The point is that Doc, one of the members of the Knights and the old fucker in charge of tech for the Dream Team, developed a weapon…” She clenches her fists together. “He developed a weapon that trapped people in the OMIB, in this space.”

“That’s why you’re here?”

“Yes, after my true identity was revealed, I was shot by the weapon Doc invented, cursed to spawn in the OMIB eternally.”

Kodai grinds his teeth together. With FeeTwix and Sophia in Tokyo, now is the time to take them out, to act on this information. “We can go after them as soon as tonight. I have people at MercSecure who will be able to trace Sophia.”

“You won’t be able to trace Sophia,” Veenure says. “Doc would never allow that.”

“Is Doc still alive?”

“No, Doc is dead. But his RPC, a faun, is alive and well. I don’t think he spends much time in Tritania though. I only see the flash of his D-NAS every now and then. My point is,” she hisses, “it will be impossible to find Sophia because of Doc. I hate that fucking faun, but he is an expert, and he doesn’t make mistakes.”

“FeeTwix,” Kodai says suddenly.

“Yes, FeeTwix, that’s who you should be going after. Doc may have put some identity hiding protocols in place, but then again, maybe not. Find FeeTwix while he is in Tokyo and that will lead you to Sophia, who may very well hold the missing piece to the puzzle.”

“I’ve thought of another way we can get this missing piece,” Kodai says.

“As have I.” She offers the young crime lord a rare smile. “I like your idea, though, you first.”

Kodai places his hands behind his back and stares at Veenure’s face, aware that she has already read his thoughts, but still excited to share his idea with her. Behind her, a black hole opens up, a purple rim of energy around it as it fades back into the starry galaxy.

“There is one member in the Mitherfickers who I am one hundred percent positive we could break,” he says. “I don’t know what he knows, but I assume he knows something.”

“Even if he doesn’t or can’t remember, I may be able to get inside his head and go through what has been discussed around him. The goblin should be our target then.”

“I fucking hate that goblin, but he’s got a big mouth, and I don’t think we’d even need to use your powers to figure out what the Mitherfickers are hiding, or why Sophia is in Tokyo.”

“Then we’ll get the goblin, now, while they are in the Sabors.”

“You said you had an idea, right?” Kodai asks, now mesmerized by the green glow of her eyes.

“I do,” she hisses. “With the Knights in the picture, and the fact that they don’t seem to be going anywhere, we need to increase our strength. Many of the Knights are level ninety or higher. This was also something I received when I was a member of the guild. We were all granted an incredible, once in a lifetime level increase. Further, if the Knights are ever truly in trouble, they can call upon a large group of NPCs, from British Assassins to the infamous Dirty Dave to help them. We need leverage, and that leverage could come through stronger members.”

“But where will we get stronger members?”

Veenure’s hand comes up and a sliver of silver magic forms into a small balloon. The balloon floats over to Kodai, and as soon as he touches it, it turns to ink and spreads up his arm.

Everything is suddenly clear to him.

“The Drachma Killers?” he asks. “Who are they?”

“A murder guild from Unigaea, the same world that Oric Rune and his Tagvornin wolf have come from. They’ve operated in Tritania from time to time, and using old tech provided by Proxima Smugglers, they’ve leveled quite nicely.”

“And they will cost real world money, correct?” Kodai asks, the silver magic pooling in his sclerae.

“Yes, but I thought this may be something you can arrange.”

“It is most definitely something I can arrange.”

“Good,” she says, “then it is settled. We’ll work on recruiting the Killers, and in the meantime, you’ll get the goblin.”

.22. Samsquanch

Zaena lowers her hand. Hiccup’s eyes still squeezed shut, the goblin asks Ryuk to come take a look at his chest to see if the pyro affliction has spread to him.

“I told you it didn’t, goblin.”

“Fick, Liz, I’m getting a second opinion here. Everyone should get a second opinion, especially if they have healthcare provided by their employer, ahem. Marbles.”

“Whatever.” Ryuk steps forward and examines Hiccup’s chest. Other than a few curled hairs, he seems fine. “The infection didn’t spread.”

“Whoo!” Hiccup does his best Ric Flair impression. “Uncle Goblin lives to see another fickin’ day. Good thing too, I enjoy barbeque, but would prefer not to become it.”

“There has to be something we can do,” FeeTwix says as he scans messages from his fans. He nods, bites his lip, and hunches over, his shotgun nearly touching the ground. “Fuck.”

“Nothing?” Oric asks.

“Nearly four million people and none of them have heard of a cure for this.” FeeTwix’s mirror appears in his hand and he looks down at it. “Everyone, I’m signing off for a moment while I deal with this. Please understand.”

“Take her to Lothar, he’ll know what to do,” Oric says.

FeeTwix approaches Zaena and takes her infection-free hand.

“You don’t have to come with me,” she says, “I can go back to the airships alone.”

“No way,” he tells her. “The rest of you can continue on.” The Swede turns to Ryuk. “I’ll join the party as soon as I can.” The look on his face is something Ryuk has never seen before, and he truly feels for him.

“I understand.” Ryuk steps in front of Zaena and bows to her. “Good luck.”

“She’ll get through this,” Hiccup mumbles, “we’ll get through this too. Twixy, Liz, good fickin’ luck, and put a fickin’ glove on that hand or something. Fick, I think I may have an oven mitt in my list here.”

Hiccup’s mechanical hand comes up as an oven mitt takes shape.

“Where did you get that?” she asks.

“Og’s kitchen. What? You think I’d get all lubed up to go down a ventilation shaft and not steal something?”

The oven mitt lifts into the air and Zaena quickly places it on her afflicted hand.

“It may catch fire,” she says.

“Well, that’s just something you’ll have to deal with later. Fick, this is a tragedy. Don’t worry, Hiccup, you’ll get through this.” The goblin looks at Ryuk. “What? My therapist told me speaking to myself in third person is the best way to deal with situations like this.”

“I can try my Speed Heal spell,” Enway says.

“It won’t work,” says Oric, who stands a few feet away from them next to Wolf. There are still bodies burning all around the Mitherfickers, and it is an odd place to be having a conversation.

“Let’s freeze your hand for now,” Ryuk suggests. “And then put it in the oven mitt.”

“Freeze it?”

“Not fully, just to cool it down. Yangu can do it.” He places his hand on the snow dragon’s neck.

“That sounds like a great fickin’ way to lose a limb.”

“I may already lose a limb,” Zaena reminds him.

“Hey, it ain’t so bad.” The goblin knocks on his mechanical arm. “Fick me! Twix, you got another arm in that list of yours?”

“No, I don’t,” he says his eyes filling with hope. “But that could work.”

“A mechanical arm?” Zaena takes a deep breath.

“Trust me, Liz, it ain’t so bad. Shit gets cold at night though if you don’t sleep on it. Also, if you’ve forgotten you have it, and you go to wipe your starfish, that can be a liddle ficked.”

“Starfish? What the hell is this starfish you always talk about?” Ryuk asks.

“Fick me, Marbles, you don’t know what a starfish is? It’s goblin slang for asshole.”

Ryuk drops his head into his hands. “So every time you’ve mentioned starfish, you’re talking about an asshole?

“Yes, as in ‘your brother is a dirty starfish banger.’ But let’s not open the urban goblin dictionary at the moment. Point is, Lizzy, having a mechanical arm ain’t too shabby.”

“I can go to Steam now,” FeeTwix says, his finger lifting to log out.

“But,” Zaena gulps, “I don’t want a mechanical arm.”

“Selfish much, Liz? Do you think I wanted this goddamn contraption? You don’t hear me bitching.”

“You always bitch,” Oric says.

“He-Man again? Fick, I knew we should have left you back in Kayi.”

“We need to keep moving forward,” Oric says, “and I’d suggest you see Lothar before you get a mechanical arm. Also, we don’t know if pyro affliction is a blood based disease or not. You may take her arm only to realize it has already spread to other parts of her body. I’m sorry to sound harsh here, but the more we stand around and argue about this, the less time we have.”

“He’s right,” Ryuk says. “You two get to Waringtla and see Lothar. We’ll join you as soon as we’re done here.”

“And I’ll rejoin you guys if I’m able,” FeeTwix says.

“I want to fight too.” Her voice quivering, Zaena turns away from her guildmates. “I’m sorry for this.”

“It’s not your fault,” Enway says. “If anyone will know what to do, it’s Lothar. You saw all his books. Just don’t lose hope.”

After another round of goodbyes, FeeTwix and Zaena turn back to the entrance of the Sabors, still holding hands.

(0)__(0)

Our dynamics are definitely different, Ryuk thinks about an hour later, after they’ve had a few more fights. He’s leveled again – the enemies here are really hooking it up with EXP – as have Enway, Hiccup and Yangu.

Wolf and Oric have fallen into their own groove, providing some pretty incredible offense. Years of digital combat under their belts, the two cut through most of the enemies they’ve come into contact with, leaving the scraps for the rest of the Mitherfickers.

But the others have their specialties as well. Enway provides backup support, her delayed strike ability continuing to take enemies off guard. Unlike the army of flaming dwarves at the beginning of the Sabors, the enemies deeper in have been rather weak, mostly ice-based or some type of abominable animal.

They even fought a polar bear, which was an easy kill for Oric and Wolf.

Ryuk has mostly provided backup support, but hasn’t used his bond with Yangu as much as he would have liked. This is due to Hiccup, who again has taken to riding the growing young dragon so he doesn’t have to walk.

“Up ahead,” Oric says, his face red from the cold.

Ryuk follows his finger to a castle cut into the ice.

A flurry of snow blows past the group, whipping at Ryuk’s hood and blurring his view. Enway steps forward and equips a mana potion.

“Gimme, gimme, gimme,” Hiccup says from his perch on the snow dragon’s back. “I need a boost now that I’ve seen a castle made of ice. Getting jelly over here.”

“You don’t even use magic,” Ryuk reminds him.

“Mana potions are an acquired taste, Marbles.”

“And you’ve somehow acquired it?”

“Fick yes, I have.”

“Sorry, all gone,” Enway says, finishing the bottle.

“I see how it is,” Hiccup says, equipping his own bottle.

“How many of those have you drunk in the last hour?” asks Oric.

“I have a problem, okay? And no, I’m not ashamed to admit it. I have a fickin’ problem and that’s that. With Liz gone, Conan over here has taken it upon himself to press my buttons. Look, pal, we got bigger problems, such as the fact that the tower you’re going on about sits on top of a freaking wall of ice blocking our path.”

A wall of ice? Ryuk was so busy using his Extreme Focus to cover their three and nine that he has failed miserably to look at their twelve.

Sure enough, the ice is solid, with no real option that he can sense to enter the tower. Even Zaena with her ghost limbs would have a problem scaling that wall.

The thought of the Thulean and her infection hits Ryuk hard.

“She won’t die,” he reminds himself as he looks up at the wall of ice. “She’ll make it through this.”

The message he just received from FeeTwix flashes again, awaiting his response.

FeeTwix: We’re close to Waringtla. It was the last airship of the day, faster than the morning one. I’ll be in touch as soon as I know what happens next.

Ryuk quickly fires off a message.

Ryuk: Tell Zaena good luck. Don’t let her beat herself up over this.

“Talking to yourself again, Marbles, or are you trying to figure out a way for us to get to the top of that wall of ice? Fick, you know I’m not one for climbing.”

“See any other way?” Oric asks Enway. Their breaths visible, the Hourglass Mage and the Unigaean warrior take another look around.

“Not currently,” the Hourglass Mage says as she knocks on the wall of ice.

“Fick me, what good is that going to do?”

“Testing its thickness, Hiccup.”

“Nope,” the goblin snorts. “Not going to make a thickness joke. I’m above that type of toilet humor. Marbles, you’re in charge here, right?”

“Um, sure?” Ryuk looks to Oric and Oric shrugs.

While the Unigaean warrior took charge earlier when FeeTwix tried to run to Zaena, he’s since relaxed a bit. The more Ryuk watches him fight, the more he realizes that this odd combination of control and free-for-all is not only ingrained in his psyche, it’s also ingrained in his fighting style.

“Well, fick, tell us what to do then!”

“We need to get to the top of that wall of ice.”

“Gee, you think, Marbles?”

“And I need Yangu to do it.”

Hiccup considers this. “He is my ride, you know.”

“Hiccup.”

“Marbles.”

The two lock eyes and for the first time in their guild’s history, Hiccup is the first to look away.

Skill level up!

Skill: Inspire Others

Level Four: By inspiring others, you induce them to follow your orders. Higher levels allow for manipulation of enemies and random strangers.

Requirements: LUCK > 20

“Great, you win, Marbles,” Hiccup says as he gets down from Yangu. “But this better be fickin’ good.”

Ryuk places his hand on Yangu’s neck and bends so they are now face to face. He stares deeply into the ice dragon’s red eyes as he thinks the phrase: make some stairs.

The dragon’s left eyebrow rises.

“Make some stairs,” Ryuk whispers.

Wolf barks and he ignores him.

“I can help.” Ryuk shows Yangu his Marble Shotgun.

He pops the canister open and quickly gets to replacing the explosive marbles with aqua marbles. Once he’s loaded all twenty-four available slots, he aims his weapon at a natural starting point and fires his aqua marble at the wall.

Yangu freezes it upon impact and as Ryuk predicted, it makes a single stair, thinner on one side than the other, but a stair nonetheless.

“Brilliant,” Oric says. “That will totally work.”

Ryuk nods to Yangu and they begin.

After another canister, the two have made a set of stairs all the way to the top. They then focus on improving the stairs, making them wide so Wolf and Yangu can use them.

“And to think that soon, you’ll be able to fly, eliminating the need for these stairs all together,” Ryuk says as they start a fourth round of solidifying the platforms.

Once they’re done, Enway is the first to test them out. She starts up the ice wall, going from step to step with little effort, stopping in the middle. “You guys coming?” she calls down to them.

“It’s inventive, I’ll give you that,” Hiccup sighs. “But now I have to walk up a flight of stairs, which is a great way to give a 154-year-old goblin a heart attack.”

“It will be good for you,” Ryuk says.

“You sure you can’t give me a piggyback ride?”

“No.”

“Fick, fine.” The goblin adjusts his considerable girth, burps, and snorts. “Stairs it is.”

(0)__(0)

After some clever footwork, and a lot of grumbling from the goblin, the Mitherfickers reach the top of the ice wall. They now stand about ten meters away from a gate made of ice. The gate is closed, frozen over, and it is times like this that FeeTwix’s near limitless inventory list would come in handy.

But he’s not the only one with quick access to fire.

Ryuk grabs his Magic Slingshot and puts a pair of molten marbles in.

“Everyone stand back.”

“Fick, I’m just trying to stand,” Hiccup says, out of breath. “That was quite the fickin’ climb. Boy fick, I don’t think a goblin half my age could get their tosh up that wall. It was clearly not designed for the distinguished members of our guild.” A healing potion appears in his hand. “Fick, don’t say anything, Tarzan. Just let me warm my belly.”

He drinks the potion and tosses it over his shoulder, where it plinks off one of the ice steps and falls into the valley below.

A valley. Ryuk can see now, from their vantage point, that the ice wall and its castle have been built into the wedge of a narrow valley.

Looking at the ice below, and the way it has been smoothed over again and again, it’s hard to tell that there was ever anything but a wall in the space.

“Everyone ready?” Ryuk asks, returning to the task at hand.

His hand warmed by the molten marbles, he waits to get the confirmation from Enway and Oric. Once they give him the nod, he fires off the molten marbles at the gate of ice.

A terrible scream rocks the valley as the ground shakes. Snow from the surrounding cliffs begins to fall.

“Fick, Marbles, you caused a damn avalanche!”

“No, it’s not that,” Oric says, his splintered sword in one hand and his electric shield in the other. “He’s awoken something.”

“Fick!” Hiccup quickly gets as close to Oric as he can.

“What are you gathering around me for?” the Unigaean warrior asks, his shoulders bristling.

“Fick, I’m not. Just, fick, did you hear that scream? It couldn’t be. It couldn’t fickin’ be.”

“Couldn’t be what?” Enway asks. Wolf barks himself into a frenzy as the gate begins to melt away.

“Not gonna say it because fick those things.”

“Dammit, Hiccup, give us some insight here!”

“Sheesh, Marbles, you sure know how to talk to an elder. Fick. You want insight? I’ll tell you what my superstitious ass thinks it is.” He gulps, fear in his eyes. “I think it’s a…”

The gates crumble forward and a towering creature, just a few heads shorter than Lothar, breaks through the wall. The creature has the face of an older bodybuilder, his head puny atop his muscled body.

“Jesus Murphy, it’s a samsquanch!” Hiccup hauls ass over to the edge of the ice wall. He hops down to the first stair he can reach and hides.

Samsquanch Level 39

HP: 2399/2399

ATK: 287

MATK: 0

DEF: 341

MDF: 382

LUCK: 6

The beast drops to his two front arms like a gorilla. His head rears back and he roars, spit hurtling from his open mouth.

“Got it!” Ryuk zips an aqua marble into the samsquanch’s mouth and the beast starts choking.

New skill learned!

Skill: Waterboard

Level One: Fire an aqua marble into an enemy's mouth and simulate drowning, causing a momentary stunning effect

Requirements: LUCK > 21

While no damage is taken, the samsquanch can’t seem to get a grip on his choking. So distracted is he by the water caught in his throat, the beast hardly sees Oric run towards him, broken buster sword in hand.

The Unigaean warrior drives his three-pronged sword into the back of the creature’s leg, ripping through its calf muscle.

-181 HP! Critical hit!

The samsquanch roars in pain and swipes at Oric. He misses, but is able to get the warrior on his second swing.

Oric flies right, but recovers with a roll. Meanwhile, Wolf advances towards the beast, raring to go. He jumps, latches onto the samsquanch’s wrist, and is also tossed aside.

-89 HP!

A pink blast of delayed magic hits the samsquanch in the back of the head, courtesy of Enway.

Ryuk follows up her attack by firing a mag of sword and black marbles, which the creature tries to block with its bony forearm.

The monster cries out as the marbles explode and the blades pierce its flesh. One of Ryuk’s blades, propelled by a marble explosion, is flung into the creature’s eye, popping it like a zit.

-199 HP!

He quickly glances to see where Hiccup has run off to. Damn goblin, he thinks when he can’t locate him.

Yangu, still on the outskirts of the battle, waits for Ryuk’s instruction to attack. An aqua marble now in the pocket of his slingshot, he whistles for Yangu to get ready.

Ryuk pulls back and looses the marble; Yangu blasts it and it forms a giant ice pick, which pierces the samsquanch’s chest.

-178 HP!

“We’ve got this!” Oric calls out as he gets back to his feet.

He doesn’t see the woman now sitting in one of the windows, her legs hanging out as she watches the battle with a disgusted look on her face.

As Oric approaches the snow monster, his blade at the ready and his electric shield in his free hand, a great blast of blackened lightning tears through his body.

Instakill!

Held by a small black cloud, the woman lowers to the ground in front of the critically injured samsquanch.

The mysterious woman wears white fur and her bosom is exposed. Her clothing is tight, her legs wrapped in furry boots. Around her neck, attached to a golden band, is the final runestone.

Instakill!

She finishes off the samsquanch and turns to Ryuk with a grin on her face. “You’ve brought me the other two runestones, yes?”

Skadi Level 48

HP: 3315/3315

ATK: 217

MATK: 369

DEF: 281

MDF: 413

LUCK: 28

It’s her! Ryuk’s mind cries.

Fury in his eyes, Wolf rushes towards the woman and is tossed backwards by a great bolt of black lightning.

Instakill!

Enway points her wand at the woman, her hand trembling. “Give us the final runestone.”

Skadi laughs. “If only it were that simple.” Her lips lift into a snarl. “But I will make this quick.”

Black lightning swirls up her arms and groups around her neck. Sleek, electrified dark armor moves down her body until it appears as if she’s in a sparkling black bodysuit.

Her eyes flash yellow and a sinister smile forms on her face. “Ready?”

.23. Class Act

Yangu cries out and lowers his head, his throat puffing as he prepares to freeze Skadi solid. Ryuk’s never seen him so focused, so charged. The blue scales on the back of his neck have lifted, his red eyes are fixed and furious.

“No!”

Ryuk watches in horror as a bolt of black lightning strikes the young snow dragon. His scales sizzle, and he screeches in agony as he falls to the ground.

Yangu’s body quivers as he tries to get back up off the ground.

Instakill!

“Fuck you!” Ryuk unloads a magazine of explosive molten marbles at the woman, his marbles completely absorbed as they connect with her electric black armor.

Once his round is finished, bubbles of magic begin moving across the front of her armor. She stands, her legs wide and her chest now exposed.

The bubbles lift off her chest plate and fly back towards Ryuk.

-253 HP! Critical hit!

Getting a taste of his own medicine is something Ryuk didn’t expect from the powerful mage. He sails backwards, his Dream Armor barely stopping the spread of the molten marble.

“Ryuk!” Enway points her wand at the terrible mage. “Chrono Statis!”

The woman grins as she absorbs the pink magic. “Interesting spell,” she says, her brow furrowing. Skadi points her finger at Enway and whispers, “Chrono Stasis.”

Ryuk, still trying to get his bearings, looks to see Enway completely frozen in time. Even though she can’t move, he can see fear in her eyes.

Skadi takes a few steps closer to Enway, and as she does, Ryuk fires off a message to Hiccup.

Ryuk: Everyone is dead. Enway is almost gone. Where the fuck are you?

Ryuk goes for his Magic Slingshot and loads a clear marble in it. Come on, he thinks as he pulls back on the pocket.

“Remove buff!”

Fwhiip!

The marble strikes the woman and bounces off the front of her armor. She stops and turns to Ryuk, just as he comes up with his Marble Gun, this time with a mag of half black and half sword marbles.

The sword marble is the first to leave the weapon.

It stretches into its full capacity as it zips through the air towards Skadi.

Ryuk gasps as the powerful mage sidesteps his attack.

Able to move again, Enway tries to pivot away from Skadi just as a black bolt of lightning strikes her in the back.

Instakill!

“Shit!”

Ryuk: FeeTwix, we’re dying here!

FeeTwix: I’m almost at Lothar’s. I’ll be there as soon as I can! Just hold them off; run if you have to.

Ryuk look over his shoulder at the wall of rock and ice.

He glances right to the edge of the ice wall. His Extreme Focus causes something on the ice castle wall to light up and an idea comes to him.

“It is useless,” Skadi says, lifting her hand.

A determined look on his face, Ryuk points to his eleven o’clock and finishes his mag. His sword and explosive marbles strike the exposed ledge, which causes a small avalanche of snow and ice to descend upon Skadi.

Figuring this is the distraction he needs, Ryuk turns right, his fingers jamming into the pouch of gravity marbles on his waist. Just need to make it to the ledge, he thinks as he gets ready to jam the marble in his mouth.

He’s two meters away when a bolt of black lightning strikes him in the back, sending him to the ground and instantly taking his life.

Ryuk spirit lifts out of his body, and like he did back at the Port of Corpses, he now hovers above the battle.

Hiccup.

The goblin now stands five meters behind Skadi, his Gilius Thunderhead Axe in his hands.

“What the fick is with the bodysuit, lady?” the goblin asks, out of breath again.

Skadi turns to the goblin and narrows her eyes. “You are the last of them?”

“Bitch, I’m the first of them!”

“What did you say to me?” the terrible mage asks Hiccup.

“Fick me, lady. Never was a latex guy, more of a chainmail head. Add a good amount of chainmail to any orc chippie and I’ll be fickin’ til my chalupa no longer works.”

Black lightning cackles over Skadi’s body.

We’re so fucked, Ryuk thinks as his spirit floats above the battle. If Hiccup dies, they’ll have to start again at the entrance to the Sabors.

Hiccup snorts. “You know, fick, since everyone else is dead, I guess I’ll be the one to tell you: there’s a reason you’re up here by yourself with not much more than a samsquanch to fick. If you ever want to get that lady choop of yours filled, you’re going to need to drop the whole ‘I’m an evil bitch who lives in an ice castle’ schtick. I mean, seriously, who the fick wants to live in the Sabors? This place is a cold ass fickhole, and believe me, I’m from Jatla, so I’ve seen my fair share of fickholes, warm and cold.”

A bolt of black lightning strikes the ground before Hiccup.

He gulps and continues. “Fine, if that’s how it’s going to be, then so be it. But before I kill your twisted ass, I just want to put it out there that I’d love to take you out on a nice date. I mean, if you ever get over this ‘ice queen living in the middle of fickin’ nowhere and making dildos out of stalactites’ gimmick you’ve got going.”

“Enough!” Skadi blasts Hiccup with a bolt of black lightning and his ax completely absorbs the strike.

“Thank you, Dirty Dave,” Hiccup says as he points the ax at her. “See you in hell, biotch.”

Hiccup deflects the bolt of dark lightning back towards Skadi, and for a moment, nothing happens. The strike hits her and she just stares at him, her mouth agape as they both wait to see what happens next.

Instakill!

Skadi’s skull explodes into kibbles and bits and her body falls backwards.

“Fick yeah!”

Enway, Oric, Ryuk, Wolf, and Yangu respawn.

“What the hell did you just do?” Oric asks, his eyes wide with surprise. He smooths his hand through his disheveled hair. “That was amazing!”

“Fick yes, it was,” Hiccup says as he waddles over to the woman’s body. “And that’s probably one thing these fickers didn’t tell you about me: it’s practically a battle strategy now that the goblin saves the day.”

“Hiccup! You did it!” Enway runs over to him and gives him a hug.

“Whoa, whoa, Elfy, if you think hugging me is going to stop my anti-immigration rhetoric, you’re right!” Hiccup kisses her on the cheek and she immediately moves away. “What? In Jatla, a hug is always followed by a kiss.”

“Hiccup, how…how did you know your ax would absorb her magic?” Ryuk asks.

Yangu at his side now, Ryuk equips a healing potion, finishes it, and equips another to feed to Yangu.

“Don’t you listen, Marbles? When Dirty Dave, blessed be his fickin’ name, gave me this big ass ax – try saying that three times fast – he claimed that it had electric properties, but that I couldn’t use it because I don’t have any mana. Well, fick, I figured it would absorb her black lightning, and as you fickers can see, I was right.”

“And if it didn’t?” Oric asks.

“Well, then she would have fried my ass and we would have all been ficked.”

“You risked everything on an untested assumption?”

“Of course I did. To quote a song I heard a fickin’ ogre singing back in Jatla: It’s my life, and it’s now or never. I don’t want to live forever. Fick, I don’t know the rest of the song, Tarzan, but you get the point. Actually, I don’t like that song. Ogre songs are terrible, but you get my point, YOLO, mitherficker.”

Ryuk shakes his head. I can’t believe that worked.

“And I already got a hug from Enway, so I expect some shit from you two as well,” Hiccup tells Ryuk and Oric as he slowly bends down to look at Skadi’s decapitated body. “I swear to fick if I had a rupee for every time I saved this guild’s ass, I’d be living in the Richman District and drinking drorikh out of a high elf’s skull.”

The goblin checks what’s left of Skadi’s body. “Fick, looks like I’m going in deep.” He equips his toe knife, removes the woman’s chest plate and stomach armor. “Don’t get any sick ideas, Marbles, no one likes a necrophiliac.”

He drives his knife into her gut, and once he’s made a pretty good sized opening, he sticks his hand in. “There it is.” He returns with the final runestone.

“How did you know it’d be in her stomach?” Oric asks. Wolf is near Hiccup now, sniffing a bit of flesh leftover from Skadi’s exploded head.

“Marbles, tell He-Man ‘I drink and I know things,’ so that I don’t have to say it.” Hiccup wipes the runestone on a bottom piece of his tunic. “Wolfy, don’t eat that. Whatever it is, save it for me.”

He finishes cleaning the final runestone. “Who’s keeping these things anyway? That you, kiddo?”

“Yes.”

Hiccup tosses the runestone at Ryuk, who just barely manages to catch it. Still wet with blood and viscera, Ryuk tries to wipe the runestone against a patch of snow. Hiccup snorts at this, but doesn’t say anything.

Enway joins him seconds later. “This is going to be interesting,” she says, watching as the other runestones appear in Ryuk’s free hand.

Once he has the three runestones together, he notices a strange tension spread up his arms.

A magnetic force pulls the runestones towards each other, even before he can figure out how the third and final piece fits into the equation.

As soon as the third piece is put into place, Ryuk feels as though someone is ripping his spine from his body. His shoulders rise, and he leans back as a column of white magic strikes him.

The magic twists through his body and a prompt appears before him:

How would you like to respawn?

1)                A Berserker Warrior

2)                A Ballistics Mage

3)                A Dark Mage

4)                A White Mage

Ryuk’s hand trembles as he looks to Enway and Oric, who has now joined them.

“What should I do?” Ryuk asks.

“Try it,” Oric says, “try to spawn as a warrior.”

Enway gasps. “I know exactly what it is! The runestones allow you to change classes freely.”

“And you think I can change back?” he asks.

“I know you can. I’ve seen this same prompt before. Another smuggler who has a shop in Shiya once had an object that did just this. He showed it to me. You can change classes freely, but your mana, for example, carries over, as does your health.”

“Okay,” Ryuk nods as he lifts his hand, “let’s try warrior.”

(0)__(0)

Ryuk touches the prompt and his body starts to morph.

His muscles bulge and his Dream Armor opens up in the middle of his chest, allowing for the three attached runestones to settle in place across his breast.

A sword takes shape in his right hand, the hilt golden, and a dagger takes shape in his left. His hair grows, and as muscles are added to his body, his hood shrinks and the clothing under his armor reaches its tearing point.

Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 28 Berserker Warrior

HP: 1156/1156

ATK: 157+75

MATK: 211

DEF: 118

MDF: 89

LUCK: 24

“Holy fick, Marbles, you’re stacked!”

My attack power has increased, Ryuk thinks as he examines his chiseled arm and the sword gripped tightly in his right hand.

“Not bad.” Oric claps his hands together. “I have legitimately never seen something like that before.”

“Marbles, I take back anything I ever said about your marbles not dropping. Your marbles have officially dropped, kid. Congrats. Prepare to open up your world to a legendary amount of poontang. Fick.”

Hiccup licks his fingers and runs them through his eyebrows. “You know I’m down as fick to play wingman. Just say the word and we’ll hit all the good clubs in Jatla, I’m talking about the ones with a door charge and adequate security. Ladies like those places.”

Ryuk sheathes his dagger and touches the runestone on his chest. The prompt appears again, and he selects Dark Mage.

His muscles shrink, and his hood swells up and over his armor. Robes form on his body, and soon, he’s shrunk in size, even shorter than he normally is. He now notices a strange, heavy sensation moving through his body. A sense of cold moves down his shoulders and settles at his wrists.

Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 28 Dark Mage

HP: 1156/1156

ATK: 157

MANA: 375/375

MATK: 211+75

DEF: 118

MDF: 89

LUCK: 24

Ryuk lifts his hand and curls his fingers.

Dark magic courses through his veins and he notices a light reticle take shape on the dead samsquanch’s body. As if he were auditioning for a role as a young Padawan learner in whatever DisNike Star Wars flick is set to be released in the summer of 2075, Ryuk slightly tightens his hand and a giant bolt of lightning cuts into the samsquanch.

“Fick me, Marbles! Watch it with the evil shit. I was going to get some meat from that ficker and now you’ve gone and toasted it. You know how much a goblin would pay for samsquanch organs? No? Well, neither do I, and now we both will never know. Fick.”

Hiccup throws his hands in the air and turns away from the samsquanch’s carcass.

“Nice,” Ryuk says.

“And a cleric, right?” Enway asks.

Ryuk touches his chest and selects the White Mage option. He experiences a similar transformation; his robes lighten as a sense of hopefulness sears through his avatar. The feeling is light, carefree, fresh, healing.

His stats appear before him:

Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 28 White Mage

HP: 1156/1156

ATK: 157

MANA: 363/375

MATK: 211

DEF: 118

MDF: 89+75

LUCK: 24

He lifts his hand above him and a cloud springs out of his fingers. The cloud rains light down onto the Mitherfickers.

“I can group heal,” he whispers.

“That was the poofiest thing I’ve seen all day,” Hiccup says, trying to dodge the sparkling magic but failing. “Fick! It touched me. Does that mean I’ll become a snowflake?” He laughs. “Kidding, Marbles.”

Ryuk touches his chest again and he returns to his normal form as a Ballistics Mage.

“It’s an amazing ability,” Enway says.

“It really is.”

“So, are we going to Waringtla then? FeeTwix and Zaena should be there by now.” Oric’s hand coming up to spawn at the location of their other guildmates.

“Sure,” Ryuk starts to say as a portal opens up across from them. His brother steps out, followed by Tamana, Tomas, and the two mages.

“I thought you’d still be here,” Kodai says, his marble slingshot appearing in his hand.

Ryuk raises his hand to touch his chest, but decides to go for his Marble Gun instead.

.24. Cosmic Dust

“Tamana, take Ryuk. Tomas, Oric. I’ll take the goblin. You two handle the rest.” Kodai says the last to the two mages they fought back in the Shinigami’s rented guild.

Hiccup chortles. “I’ll take the emo-twated fick dick with the slingshot and the microscopic chalupa. Oric, I don’t even know who that other guy is, but kill him good. Elfie, Yangu, Wolfy – those two mages might look tough, but we killed them fickers dead as fick back in Aramis when we were hardly level fifteen. Like their bitch-titted mama’s boy of a leader, they are fickboys of the highest degree. Marbles, whip Tammy’s perfectly-shaped ass.” The goblin tightens his grip on his big axe.

Take Tamana? Ryuk gulps as he aims his Marble Gun at his former best friend. He wishes he had time to load his shotgun, and he may do so if he gets a chance. No, this will have to do.

“Well, fick, people? Who’s going to strike first?” Hiccup narrows his eyes at Kodai and laughs again. “I can’t wait to cut your head off and shit down your neck, you fickered fick-faced queef-farming poof-flake!”

A sinister smile takes shape on Kodai’s face. “You will eat your words, goblin.”

“And you will eat my shit, or at least your neck will. Fick, that’s gruesome, but you get the picture. BRING IT, FICKER!”

Tamana charges and Ryuk unloads a clip of molten black marbles at her. She’s thrown backwards just as Ryuk’s hand comes to his chest.

He chooses the Berserker Warrior and feels his muscles swell under his Dream Armor.

His blade isn’t the same size as Tamana’s ironing board of a sword, but it is big enough to block her first attack.

Fuck, she’s strong! Ryuk thinks as their blades meet and Tamana grunts and tries to kick Ryuk.

He instinctively stretches backwards to avoid the kick, and it’s at this point that he realizes that not only has he become a warrior, he has also, through the runestones, picked up the instincts and characteristics of the class.

Trust your class.

Oblivious to the fight that is happening around him, Ryuk pivots onto his left foot, well aware that they are four meters away from the edge of the ice wall, and brings his blade in an upward swoop.

Tamana blocks him just in time but is caught off guard.

As she stumbles backwards, he approaches, both hands on his blade and ready to end it there. Digital adrenaline surges through him; he brings his weapon back and is just about to deliver a finishing strike when he stops.

It can’t be.

Ryuk swears that he saw something flash behind Tamana’s eyes.

Instead of finishing the job, he brings his weapon down, still at the ready, so he can get another glimpse of her.

“Tamana?” he whispers.

“Fick, Marbles, stop undressing Tammy with your eyes and kill that turncoat-ass bia bia!” Hiccup has replaced his bigass ax with his bigass shield. He hides behind his scutum now as Kodai continues to fire black marbles at it.

Meanwhile, Oric and Tomas are all out brawling, their blades clinking and clanking as the evenly matched warriors try to get the upper hand.

Enway is doing relatively well against the Dark Mage. She’s cast her quick movement spell – Ryuk believes she called it Light Shadow – and moves in and out of reality as she avoids attacks from the mage.

Her hourglass necklace glowing, she blasts the mage from behind, -127 HP!, and again dips out of reality.

Wolf and Yangu have teamed up on the Berserker Mage, Yangu hitting him with streams of molten ice. The snow dragon’s attacks aren’t very strong, but he is able to provide enough of a distraction for Wolf to move on the mage.

“Ryuk?” Tamana asks as her eyes quiver, a look of confusion spreading across her face.

“Tamana!”

She bares her teeth at Ryuk and brings her buster sword over her shoulder, as if it were a baseball bat.

-266 HP!

The strike from Tamana’s sword sends Ryuk over the side of the ice wall. He hits the ice stair he created and tries to dig his free hand into the ice.

No such luck.

Ryuk’s body slides across the stair and he falls backwards, down to the very bottom of the ice wall, landing on his back.

-551 HP! Critical hit!

(0)__(0)

Tweety birds and a galaxy of stars swirl around Ryuk’s head as he sits up.

He’s down eight hundred hit points, and his first instinct is to go for a healing potion. Oblivious to his surroundings, he equips the healing potion and is just about to throw it back when he gets a boot to the face.

-48 HP!

The healing potion flies from his hand and he drops to the right.

Far away from the others now, Tamana stands over him, a familiar image if there ever was one, and before Ryuk can react, she grabs him by the back of his hair and sits him up.

His former friend brings her fist back, and as she does, Ryuk places his hand on the runestone on his chest and selects select Dark Mage.

Tamana is just about to strike him when his form starts to morph.

Startled, she brings her fist back again, giving Ryuk the time he needs to strike her with a bolt of black lightning.

-297 HP!

She’s thrown sideways and Ryuk goes for his potion. One hand still trained on her, ready to blast her at a moment’s notice, he gulps the potion down.

+500 HP!

He hasn’t had a chance to go through the spells the Dark Mage has, and truth be told, he hasn’t quite figured out how the avatar switching affects skillsets.

Regardless, he knows that the lightning works, and as Tamana struggles to get to her feet, he strikes her again.

-167 HP!

“Ryuk?” she asks as pushes herself up.

Her armor is now blackened and blood flows freely from her lips. She wipes her mouth, and somehow, accidentally transfers some of the blood to her white hair.

“Not going to work this time,” Ryuk says, standing.

He can hear his guildmates fighting above him. He doesn’t know how well they’re doing, but if what he saw before he was tossed over the wall is any indication of their performance, the Mitherfickers will beat the Shinigami today.

He shoots his hand out before him and curls his fingers. Another bolt of lightning strikes Tamana.

-222 HP!

“Please,” she whispers. “Ryuk.”

She looks at him, blood smeared across her face, and at that moment, his heart breaks. He can barely look at her in that state. He lowers his head, ashamed of what he’s done. Tamana falls forward onto her chest; the snow around her face quickly turns crimson.

As snow whirls all around, Ryuk makes an impulsive decision.

He presses his hand into the runestone on his chest and changes to his Cleric form.

Standing in his gray robes, light mana surging through his veins, Ryuk slowly lifts his hand over Tamana.

+250 HP!

She pushes herself up, now in a prone position with her knees and hands still on the ground.

Ryuk heals her again.

+274 HP!

Tamana gets to her feet, her fists at her side. Her buster sword is still on the ground; if she moved quickly, she’d be able to get it before Ryuk could change avatars.

+150 HP!

Ryuk heals her again, tears streaming down his face.

He sees the Tamana he used to know, the Tamana who would meet him at the arcade, who’d go eat ramen in Shinjuku with him, who’d meet him for breakfast, who fought beside him as a Knight, who went to first year classes with him, who had always been there for him since they first met.

And as he looks at her, hardly able to see through vision blurred by tears, Tamana does something that will affect him for the rest of his life.

She lifts a trembling hand and a yellow light appears.

“Don’t,” Ryuk asks, knowing exactly what she’s doing. “Please, Tamana, no!”

“Goodbye, Ryuk.” Tamana’s hand extends to the yellow blip of light and Ryuk rushes to her.

He tackles her to the ground and pulls her into his arms, sobbing as he tries to hold her back.

“Please, don’t!” he screams, the yellow reflecting in her eyes. “Please, Tamana, no!” He presses his forehead to hers. “Please, don’t do it, you can’t, I need you here.”

“Ryuk...”

The light is still shining behind his head, and Ryuk can sense that she’s still trying to reach for it.

He tries again to move her away from the light, to use all his strength to push her away, but he is so wrapped up in trying to save her that he doesn’t compute that the light is a part of her dashboard, that no matter what he does, he can’t actually stop her from completely deleting herself.

All Reborn Player Characters are able to permanently delete their base avatar and actually die, never to respawn again in a Proxima world.

“I’m sorry, Ryuk.”

“You don’t have to do this,” he pleads with her, “we can fix your avatar. Please, Tamana.”

He feels a burning sensation in his chest as she begins to fade away.

“Why?” he asks, barely able to make out the words.

Tamana presses her finger into the center of his forehead. “I’ll always be here,” she whispers. She removes her finger and leans forward to kiss Ryuk. As she kisses him, her body turns semitransparent. Her avatar starts to crumble and pixelate as her body turns to cosmic dust.

Ryuk falls to the right, sobbing as the cosmic dust settles all around him.

He places his hand on his wounds, white healing magic quickly patching it up.

In front of him, still lying in the snow, is Tamana’s buster sword.

.25. With a Little Help from My Friends

Rather than climb to the top of the stairs, Ryuk switches to Ballistics Mage, places a gravity marble in his mouth, and floats up. Once the marble starts to lose steam, he places another marble in his mouth.

He stops before reaching the top and moves onto an ice step.

Tears still stinging his face, and quickly starting to freeze, Ryuk crouches and loads his Marble Shotgun. He hears the clink and clank of swords above him, and he’s received no indication that any of the Mitherfickers have died.

Still, Tamana’s actual death, the fact that she deleted her RPC, is going to make it hard to fight. He will still be able to fight, but what he really needs is time to unpack what he’s just witnessed.

No time, he reminds himself as he finishes loading the canister full of gravity and black marbles. It is a combination he hasn’t tried yet, but he feels almost certain that it will put forth the damage he is looking to cause. He slings the Marble Shotgun over his shoulder and loads his Marble Gun with a black molten mix.

Another gravity marble in his mouth and he floats to the top, focusing on one thing and one thing only.

Kodai.

His brother continues to fire marbles at Hiccup even though the goblin is blocking them with his shield.

Hell, Hiccup has gotten so accustomed to just blocking that he now has the scutum held up with one shoulder, so he can chug a healing potion.

He sees Ryuk and gives him the “well it’s about fickin’ time you show up” face. Ryuk hardly acknowledges the goblin. He pulls the trigger on his Marble Shotgun and unloads the entire mag at his brother.

The combo of explosions and shifts in gravity works in just the way he predicted. His brother is thrown into the air and quickly sucked back down to the ground, thrown into the air again, and again brought back down.

He’s bad off by the time everything is said and done, but Ryuk’s too busy tracking his brother’s movements with his Marble Gun to pay attention to any of the damage prompts. He knows it isn’t enough, but killing his brother now will at least give the Mitherfickers a much needed victory.

The problem is the mages.

As soon as Kodai looks like he’s about to go down, the Dark Mage casts a shield of purple mana that blocks Kodai from any incoming hits. The Berserker Mage kicks Wolf into the rock wall, knocking the breath out of the beast.

He slams his two axes together and a searing flash of light flings Yangu over the edge of the snow wall. For his part, Oric has managed to get one of Tomas’ swords free, but struggles to get the other, as Tomas whips into a frenzied, multi-blade attack.

Enway.

Ryuk sees that she is down, blood dribbling down her chin as she sucks in air. He instinctively touches the runestone on his chest, changes into a cleric, and as white magic fills his soul, he sprinkles a cloud of healing magic onto Enway.

The wound on the side of her head heals up and she gets back to her feet.

Ryuk touches the runestone on his chest and turns into the warrior, Tamana’s buster sword in his hand.

Kodai’s eyes go wide as he takes in Ryuk’s new ability. His shock quickly settles into a wicked grin as a portal in the sky opens.

The OMIB? Ryuk thinks as he looks up at the portal and the star-filled galaxy inside of it. He sees the outline of the serpent woman, Veenure.

Her eyes flash green and spears of electric green magic rain down upon the battlefield.

-310 HP!

Ryuk takes a direct hit to the chest.

He hits the ground, but the warrior’s stamina and ability to take damage is much different than his base avatar. He’s back on his feet in seconds, a white magic glowing around the hilt of his buster sword.

I will guide you, Ryuk.

“Tamana?” he gulps and looks down at the glowing weapon.

There’s a flash a few feet away from him and FeeTwix steps out, two bandoliers of bullets across his chest, a RE4 Hand Cannon in his right hand and a Lancer chainsaw/assault rifle combo in his other hand.

The Lancer’s chainsaw kicks into gear. “To quote Hiccup,” the Swede says, a huge grin spreading across his face, “Fick everyone who isn’t me!”

FeeTwix lays down some major firepower as he alternatively takes huge .50 caliber shots from his Hand Cannon. He focuses his bullets on the portal in the sky, which momentarily takes Veenure off guard.

Once the Swede’s rounds are spent, he throws his Hand Cannon over his head and chugs a healing potion.

“Fick, Twixy, share some of that!” Hiccup says from his place behind the scutum.

“You’re on your own for now, goblin, I’ve got some mages to kill!”

“Ha! Viewers are surging, am I right? Fine, fine, New Marbles, you’re fickin’ dead!” Seeing that Kodai is still blocked by the mages, the cantankerous goblin drops to his hands and knees and scurries around them.

Normally, the mages would catch him and squash him like a cockroach, but FeeTwix has started to engage both of them with his Slice Bang. He cuts into the first, blasts at the second, and even as he moves, his free hand scrolls through his inventory list until it stops at his Steamsuit.

The Steamsuit materializes around him and he’s instantly in the cockpit. His face fills with fury as the docking station secures itself. The Berserker Mage comes in for a swipe and FeeTwix grabs him with his free hand (the other hand actually being a giant sword).

Propelled by steam from his mahoosive metal feet, FeeTwix takes off into the air, the Berserker Mage tucked under one hand.

Once he’s about a hundred meters up, the mage struggling all the way, FeeTwix does a one eighty and blasts off towards the ground.

Instakill!

He drives the mage headfirst into the parts of the tower that haven’t already been destroyed, doing damage to himself in the process.

“Fickin’ show off,” Hiccup says as he points his mechanical finger at Kodai, who is still protected by the Dark Mage’s barrier. “Get out from behind that magic shield, you dirty snowflake ficktard!”

Tomas’ second blade flies out of his hand and Oric moves in for the kill, only to be thwarted by Tomas’ speed.

With a loud grunt, and a louder nethergrunt from his starfish, Hiccup takes off towards Kodai, his huge axe held tightly between his grimy paws.

A snarl across his face, he’s just about to swing his weapon when a pink blast from Enway blazes over the battlefield, directly into the open OMIB portal.

The screeching sound that follows grounds everyone still fighting.

Ryuk hits the deck, his hands over his ears as the sound boils through him. A million angry voices screaming inside his head, Ryuk tries to lift his weapon in Kodai’s direction.

The buster sword is surprisingly light, but the trauma from the ear-piercing scream from Veenure makes it nearly impossible for him to focus.

What the hell did Enway hit her with? he thinks as he tries to get back to his feet.

“Fick you, let go of me, you ficker! Fick! FICK!”

Ryuk glances right just in time to see Kodai with his hand around Hiccup’s mouth. The two disappear in a flash, and as soon as they’re gone, the Dark Mage and Tomas also bow out.

The portal closes and the Mitherfickers are left tattered and goblin-less.

(0)__(0)

FeeTwix lands his Steamsuit and the front clamshell opens with a hiss.

“They took Hiccup?” he asks, rage in his eyes.

Ryuk, still reeling from the auditory wave, finally gets back to his feet. “They took him. My brother fucking took him.”

“That’s your brother?” Oric asks, his face drenched with blood. “Somehow I missed that part of the narrative.”

“My older brother.”

“He seemed like a dick.”

FeeTwix nods at the Unigaean warrior. “He’s a real asshole. Wait a minute, how did you get that sword?”

Ryuk looks down at his Buster Sword. “I …Tamana…”

The Swede gulps. “You killed her?”

FeeTwix approaches Ryuk and finally helps him to his feet.

“No,” he says sadly, “she killed herself, or that’s not quite it. She deleted her RPC.”

“That’s suicide,” Enway whispers.

“She killed herself then. She couldn’t take any of this anymore.”

“And wait a minute.” FeeTwix shakes his head. “Since when did you use swords?” He examines Ryuk’s Dream Armor. “Let me guess, an ability granted by the runestones?”

“Exactly.”

“Why do you think they took the goblin?” Oric asks as Wolf limps over to him. Oric drops next to his animal and begins petting his head. Yangu also appears after he reaches the last stair on the ice wall. He’s battered, but seems cheerful nonetheless.

A terrible thought comes to Ryuk. “How much does Hiccup know about you know what?”

FeeTwix’s eyes flash blue. “You mean NPCs spawning in humandroid bodies?”

“Refresh me on all this,” Oric says. As Enway catches him up to date, Ryuk and FeeTwix continue their discussion.

“I mean, Hiccup has been there when we are discussing it,” Ryuk says.

“Shit, this is really bad,” the Swede says. “We need to log out and tell Sophia.”

“We need to tell the faun.”

“Doc,” FeeTwix says. “Yeah, we need to tell him too. Um, should I just call his name?”

A flash and the Knight’s War Faun spawns before them. “I figured I’d save you the trouble of getting your megaphone out,” Doc says, his tail shaking as he moves around on his hooves. Leg warmers appear above his hooves and a sweater with a M-16 on the front across his chest. “It’s nippy out here.”

“Doc,” FeeTwix says, “they took Hiccup.”

Oric looks from Enway to the Killer Faun. “What in the hell is going on here?”

“That I can’t quite answer,” she says, having never met Doc herself.

“Doc is from the Knights of Non Compos Mentis,” Ryuk explains. “They’re watching over us, or something.”

“Ah,” Oric says. “I’ve heard of them.”

Doc waves everyone’s concerns away. “We can get to better introductions later. The important question is: does the goblin know about R-Diving?”

“R-Diving?” Oric asks.

“The word Sophia came up with to describe going from a Proxima World to a humandroid’s body in the real world. Personally, I don’t particularly like it, but I didn’t invent the tech, so I don’t get to name it.”

“We don’t know if Hiccup knows,” Ryuk tells Doc. He touches the runestone on his chest, and morphs back to his Ballistics Mage avatar. “Also, how did you hear your name so quickly?”

The faun snorts. “I told you I’d be around and providing support.”

“Have you been watching us since we last saw you in the Knight’s guildhall?”

“Come on,” Doc laughs, “I have a life, and a pretty nice mansion in a Barbie Proxima world,  but to answer your question, yes. Aiden and I have been watching you guys. Pretty entertaining stuff, although the stuff with the goblin shaman woman was a little twisted. But that’s all beside the point now. If they have Hiccup, we need to get Hiccup back before he talks.”

“We don’t even know where they are,” Ryuk says.

“Not necessarily.” Doc equips a device with an antenna on it. He extends the antenna and walks over to the spot where Kodai teleported from, his hooves making cylindrical imprints in the snow. “That seems…stupid of them.”

“What do you mean?” FeeTwix asks.

“They’ve gone to Aramis. Don’t they have a guild there?”

“Then we’ll go and get Hiccup,” Ryuk says.

“Yes, we will,” says Doc, “and we’ll bring the cavalry. Usually, I’m not one to just rush in and take action, but it’s needed for this scenario. Aiden?”

Morning Assassin’s avatar spawns, his Slice Bang on his back. Although he’s in his armor now, he still wears his Hugh Hefner robes.

“We going to Aramis?” Aiden asks. He cracks his knuckles in front of him and the robe disappears. “Sorry, was reading the latest issue of Wet Goblin Holes.”

“Good editorials, huh?” Doc asks. “But that’s beside the point, hell yes we’re going!” One of his shooting irons appears in his hand. “This is going to be fun. So, Oric, you, me, FeeTwix, Ryuk, and Enway.”

“Wolf too,” Oric says.

“The snow dragon might not be suitable for the combat we’re going to get in.”

“Then we can send him to Waringtla, to join Zaena,” Ryuk tells Doc.

FeeTwix’s expression sours. “Zaena would love this fight.”

“We’ll figure that part out,” Enway assures him.

“Anyone else joining us, Doc?” Aiden asks.

“Let me see, who do we know in Aramis?”

“Jim has a hotel there. Croc works security at Barfly’s.”

“Croc would definitely do,” Doc says. “We could ask Sophia to get an NV Visor on, but I’d rather have her monitoring FeeTwix and Ryuk. There’s also Rocket, but he’s not as reliable as he used to be.”

“What about Quantum?” FeeTwix asks.

Aiden’s mask shifts as he raises an eyebrow at Doc. “What do you think?”

Doc considers this for a moment. “It never hurts to ask.”

.26. Out of Retirement and Into the Fire

“You called me out of retirement for this?”

Ryuk looks at the man who stands before him. Quantum Hughes is a bit shorter than Aiden, muscular, and by the looks of it, he refuses to wear the typical fantasy getup. He’s in a trench coat, a black shirt, and black boots.

There’s a streak of white in his hair and something mischievous behind his eyes. A big knife is strapped to his right boot and, from what Ryuk has counted so far, he has at least four handguns strapped to him in some way.

He also wears a bright orange life vest, or at least, it used to be bright orange but he’s since tried to paint it black.

Quantum Hughes Level 99 Shield Warrior

HP: 8675/8675

ATK: 3090

MATK: 10

DEF: 420

MDF: 571

LUCK: 69

“Quantum Hughes!” FeeTwix’s tongue nearly falls out of his mouth. “Please! Please, please, please, please, Doc, let me broadcast this to my fans.”

“Absolutely not,” Doc says. “Quantum, meet FeeTwix – he’s a fan.”

“Of who?”

“Of you.”

“Put’r there.” Quantum shakes FeeTwix’s hand, squeezing as tightly as he can.

“I know everything about you! I fight with your style, I’ve visited your childhood home in America, I’ve watched as much footage of you as I could find.” FeeTwix takes a deep breath as his hand turns blue. “Sorry for the fanboy act. This is too much!”

“Relax, kid, it’ll all be over soon,” Quantum says, a sly grin on his face.

“I love your humor!”

“And I love your overcoat.”

“I designed it to look like your trench coat but provide more flexibility. I can even equip items behind my back, just like you. Learned that one in the Netflix Hulu series.”

“Good.” Quantum claps him on the shoulder. “Okay, so what’s the deal here, Doc? The Reapers back or something? I thought we put an end to those bozos once and for all. Not that I’m not down to do a little skull-stomping.”

“Bozos,” FeeTwix mouths at Ryuk. “My new favorite word,” he whispers. “Bozos.”

“They’re not back in the way you’d think.” Doc starts to explain. Once he gets to Veenure, Quantum waves the rest of the explanation away.

“I’ve heard enough to pass judgment. But clue me in real quick: we need to rescue a goblin, why?”

“Well, you haven’t heard enough if you don’t know why we need to rescue the goblin, Quantum,” Doc says.

“Shit, Doc, haven’t even been here three minutes and you’re already bustin’ my balls.”

“You haven’t changed a bit.”

Quantum laughs. “How many times do I have to tell people you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”

Oric looks at Wolf and the Unigaean beast barks.

“Who’s got the mean pooch? That you?” Quantum asks Oric. “Damn dog would have been nice in The Loop. Should have put one in my inventory.”

Oric nods. “He’s, uh, mine.”

“Not bad. Okay, so catch me up, Doc, I got places to go and pancakes to eat.”

FeeTwix’s eyes practically flash hearts. “I love pancakes,” he whispers.

Doc quickly catches Quantum up. Occasionally, FeeTwix approaches them to show Quantum some weapon he has that he thinks the famous gamer will appreciate. Quantum definitely appreciates some of them, especially the mutant hack.

“Dirty Dave made this, huh? Not too bad,” he says, as he makes a ‘Robert De Niro judging something’ face. He turns to Doc. “I get it, I get it. This shit could get real bad if Veenure is able to figure out that she can come to the real world as a humandroid. Hell, I may have to come out of retirement again if that goes down. So we need to get the goblin. Tell me more about this goblin. He a squealer?”

FeeTwix nods.

“Then we’re wasting time standing around talking about him. Here’s what we’re going to do…”

(0)__(0)

Kodai stands over the goblin, a twisted knife in his hand. Veenure has been unable to take over the goblin’s mind, mostly because of some mental condition he has.

Hiccup spits blood as he says, “Early Onset Goblinheimer’s, you emo-twated fickbag.” Blood dribbles down his mouth and onto the front of his shitty chainmail armor. “Fick you, fick that sexy snake bitch – I fickin’ hate lizards – fick all of you!” he says to Kodai’s reinforcements, who stand around them and at the entry points to the Shinigami’s guildhall.

The two mages, Tomas, and a few of the hired security stand around Kodai and Hiccup. Tied to a chair, Hiccup has already been stabbed several times, and while he shrieked at the blade that went into his thigh, he’s held his own relatively well.

Kodai punches Hiccup in the eye; the sound of meat on meat ricochets to the far corner of the room.

“Yoooooy!”

Hiccup’s eyes quickly swell up, but somehow he still manages to glare at Kodai. “Uncuff me, you fick! Fight me like a man, you fickin’ sheep tonguing poof cake!” Hiccup spits more blood. “Fick! You call this torture?” He laughs long and hard. “I did your mom – fick, all your moms – harder than this two nights ago. Ha! You won’t get shit out of me, you fickered ficktard.”

A snarl on his face, Kodai approaches the goblin and stabs him in the stomach.

“Yoooy!” Hiccup’s head tilts forward, blood spilling from his mouth.

An idea comes to Kodai based on what he’s seen in FeeTwix’s stupid little feed. He takes a healing potion from his inventory list and waves it in front of Hiccup’s good eye.

“Would you like some?” he asks.

“Fick yeah, I’d like some! But if you really want me to talk, you’ll get me a fickin’ Hopkins’ or a Cherry Apollos. Fick, why the hell did you take me in the first place?” Hiccup’s eyes partially glaze over. “I’m the least informed member of the Mitherfickers. Hell, I think Wolfy knows more than I do at this point. I’m just a fickin’ security guard, you idiot!”

“Why is Sophia in Tokyo?” Kodai asks.

“Fick if I know! Are you talking about the elf with the fro? Knights leader, small chest. That one? Fick, I’d rather her be in Tokyo than here. That psycho female is the reason I can’t say fick, fick!”

“Can’t say fick?”

“Fick with a ‘U’ …ha! Fick ‘U,’ New Marbles!” He nods his head to the two mages. “You two are the biggest pair of salad tossers this side of the Bawa Outpost. That is west of here, right? Where the fick are we?”

“Shut up!” Kodai slugs Hiccup again.

“That’s all you got?” Hiccup asks, spitting a bloody tooth out. “Spew Gorge’s mom, Irene, hits harder than you.”

“Tell us what we want to know or…”

“No leverage, huh? Life’s a bitch, ficker.”

Kodai raises an eyebrow as an idea comes to him. “Who is Spew Gorge?”

“You don’t know Spewy? Fick, well, I guess you wouldn’t seeing how you’re the bad guy in our story and Spew is a bit player. Any-fickin’-hoo, Spewy is my cousin, also my son. Definitely my son. I had sex with my aunt, Irene, his mother, and she got pregnant, so I’m his dad and cousin. But don’t tell him that. He’s also of the poofter variety, kind of like yourself.”

“And where does Spew live?”

“Jatla. Where else would a fickin’ goblin live? I mean, he could live in Bluwid, but Spew lives in the Venom Spur District, room sixty-nine. I always remember that number, but I won’t tell you why.”

Kodai directs the two mages to locate Spew Gorge and they disappear.

“Wait a fickin’ minute...” Hiccup’s eyes go wide. “Fick me…”

“You really are a stupid goblin.”

“Fick, Spewy. Fick.” Hiccup bites his lip. “Okay, fick it, he can handle himself.”

“Let’s just see about that.”

The mages appear a few minutes later holding the smaller goblin. Spew Gorge is wearing a sweater he knitted, and a sleep mask is still on his head.

“Pretty early to be napping, Spewy,” Hiccup says as he coughs up blood.

“What the fick? Hiccup? Why in the fick are you here? You sold me out you, stupid fick! And it’s nighttime, I was sleeping!”

“Fick me, Spewy, but why does it have to be a Hello Kitty mask?”

“Don’t judge me, Hiccup!”

“Shut the fuck up, both of you,” Kodai says as Spew Gorge is tied to a chair across from Hiccup. “I’ll make this incredibly simple: I will torture Spew Gorge in front of you and then I will have his body sent to the OMIB, where he will never be able to free himself. Tell me what I need to know.”

Spew Gorge looks at Hiccup with angry eyes. “Well, fickin’ tell them, you pink haired donkey ficker!”

“Spew, what happens in Bluwid, stays in Bluwid, and I only did that one time. Like I told you!”

“Fick you, Hiccup, tell the emo fickboy what he needs to know!”

Hiccup laughs. “He is definitely a fickboy, I agree there, Spewy.” He spits blood onto the floor. “Hey!” He shouts as Kodai drives his knife into Spew Gorge’s back.

“Yoooy!”

“You leave him alone, you son of a bitch!” Hiccup starts hopping up and down, his chair scraping against the ground. “You want information, I’ll give you information.” The goblin swallows hard. “I’ll fickin’ talk, just leave Spewy alone.”

“I’m listening,” Kodai says, turning back to the older goblin.

“Sophia, fick her by the way, went to Tokyo to do some tests or something. That’s all I know there.”

“What kind of tests?”

“What part of my previous sentence do you fail to understand, dumbass?”

“He’s a fickboy,” Spew Gorge cries. “Fick him!”

“Yes he is.” Hiccup glares at Kodai with a single eye. “And like all fickboys, no matter how powerful or how important, soon enough, they all have their asses handed to them.”

“Is that so?” Kodai asks, a sneer on his face as he drives his blade into Spew Gorge’s trapezius.

“Yoy! Yooooy! Yoy! Yoy!”

“Hang in there, Spewy,” Hiccup says, his voice dropping. “Don’t give in to this pig ficker.”

“Next question,” Kodai says as he brings the blade to Spew Gorge’s throat. “Tell me what you know, all you know, about people going from Tritania to the real world.”

“This is the real world,” Hiccup growls. “It is real to me, anyway. Fick, let’s not get philosophical here.”

“You know exactly what I mean,” Kodai growls.

“Nope, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Never heard of NPCs, humandroids, Tokyo, Mexico or any of that shit.”

“You don’t listen to your guildmates talking?”

“Have you met my guildmates? Your emo-in-crime, Ryuk, hardly talks; FeeTwix is always dealing with his fans and hawking tchotchkes; Zaena, while incredibly tall, thin, and sexy, is racist; Enway was never properly vetted so I won’t comment on her; Wolf is good people, as is Snowballs; and Conan the Unigaean Barbarian doesn’t make a great guildmate because he’s a fickin’ loner.”

“Now,” Kodai says, pressing the blade into Spew Gorge’s neck. A bead of blood forms and drips onto Spew’s sweater. “Tell me what I need to know.”

An explosion in the far corner of the room scatters a few of the rented guards, separating their limbs from their bodies.

Kodai hits the deck, as both the goblins’ chairs topple over. As soon as Hiccup touches the ground he starts scooting towards Spew Gorge, terror and concern in his eyes.

A man wearing a black trench coat steps through the hole. As the smoke clears, he’s joined by a faun with guns, a slender guy in a ninja mask, and the rest of the Mitherfickers.

“See? I told you, Doc, you can never go wrong with a little kablooey,” the man says, a cigar jutting out of the corner of his mouth. “Now which one of you dumbasses is Kodai? How do I say that last name? Nope, not gonna try. Everyone drop your weapons and put your hands up!”

(0)__(x)

“Goosebumps!” FeeTwix shows Ryuk his arm as Quantum Hughes steps forward, his hand behind his back as he scrolls through his list.

“Let’s see…”

“What’s he doing?” Ryuk asks.

“Watch the master at work,” FeeTwix says, tears in his eyes. “He’s going to murdalize those bozos!”

“Never tried this inside.” Quantum looks up at the high ceiling of the Shinigami’s rented guild hall as he equips AoT Omni-directional mobility gear, Prince’s Purple Symbol guitar, and a Heckler & Koch MP7 in his right.

“Items 77, 217, and 303,” he mumbles to no one in particular.

Quantum is airborne seconds later. He zips to the right side of the room and starts laying down firepower. He peppers this with sticky white blasts from the end of his guitar.

“What is that guitar shooting?” Enway asks FeeTwix.

“Super Plasmic Long-Lasting Optimal Organic Glue Extract, or S.P.L.O.O.G.E.,” FeeTwix cries out, the fanboy in him barely contained. “It’s one of his famous weapons!”

The blast of sticky white substance pins two of the Shinigami’s rented guards to the ground.

Oric, riding Wolf now, races to the far side of the room to engage a few of the NPCs. His splintered sword and electric shield in hand, the Unigaean Warrior launches off Wolf’s back and smashes into the group, his shield sending sparks of electricity into the air.

-117 HP! -132 HP! -141 HP! -89 HP! -75 HP! -114 HP!

More firepower comes from the War Faun, who has started to engage one of the mages. Not one to be outdone by Doc and Quantum, Aiden flashbangs away, and appears behind the Berserker Mage.

The killer assassin flourishes his Slice Bang and their weapons meet.

His avatar flashes out of existence again and appears behind the mage, where he drives his Slice Bang through the mage’s body.

Instakill!

More NPC swordsmen charge into the room.

“Kill them!” Kodai shouts, his marble slingshot in hand. He tracks Quantum, but every time he goes for a shot, Quantum ziplines to the other side of the room.

The Knights are toying with them, Ryuk thinks as Quantum blasts one of the sellswords  with his purple S.P.L.O.O.G.E guitar. The guy’s body flies into a wall, sticks there, and Quantum, zipping past the guy for the second time, gives him the Mozambique Drill.

“You still got your shooting skills!” Doc calls up to him.

“Thanks, Doc!”

“What should we do?” Ryuk sees bound Hiccup behind Spew Gorge now, using his teeth to gnaw through the rope around his cousin/son’s hands. And where did Spew Gorge come from? he wonders as Hiccup works to free his cousin/son.

“I don’t think we do anything,” FeeTwix finally says. “Quantum and company are handing the Shinigami their asses. Fuck, I’d like to get in there, but…” The Swede surveys the battle. Oric and Wolf are on the far right, Quantum is zipping around the room, Doc is finishing off one of the mages and Aiden is moving in on Kodai.

As it did over the battlefield in the Sabors, a portal opens up and swells at the top of the room. Veenure’s form now visible, she screams as she fires green bolts of boiling magic at Doc and Quantum.

“We got company, Doc!” Quantum shouts as he narrowly misses one of her blasts.

“I’ve got this,” Enway says, her wand appearing in her hand. “Arcane Tide!” A fireball of pink and purple magic flies from the end of her wand to the portal.

As soon as it hits her, Veenure starts screaming again, her voice shattering any of the windows that haven’t already been shattered.

His fingers deep in his ears now, Ryuk sees Quantum quickly equip a pair of noise cancelling earmuffs. The black earmuffs securely on his head, he again lifts into the air and zips over to an NPC swordsman, whom he quickly takes down with military precision.

He drops again, drinks a healing potion, and tosses it away.

The legendary gamer locks eyes with Doc and both of them nod as they turn to the portal.

A FIM-92J Stinger with a huge scope materializes in Quantum’s hand and he aims the rocket launcher at the portal. Doc goes for a Fliegerfaust ground-to-air rocket launcher, and gives Quantum the thumbs up.

“Whoa,” FeeTwix says, sweat forming on his brow as he takes in the mayhem. “It’s beautiful!”

Not one to be left out, Aiden has equipped a Type 91 Japanese SAM-2 and, like his counterparts, he too aims it at the OMIB portal.

Doc gives the signal, and the three men fire away, the missiles all striking Veenure at the same time.

“Hot damn!” Quantum says as their explosions suck air into the OMIB portal.

As wind whips through the room, Wolf makes a beeline towards one of the final sellswords left standing.

He leaps, takes the guy down, and gets to tearing apart his throat.

The Dark Mage fires a fireball at Doc, who bails left to avoid most of the blast, but still ends up catching his little goat tail on fire.

Aiden comes to his defense in a flash.

The man known as Morning Assassin cartwheels into a kick that takes the Dark Mage off his feet. He backflips from there and lands with both feet on the mage’s chest.

Quantum laughs. “You’re backwards.”

“Dammit!” Aiden hops in a circle so he now stands on the mage’s chest, a Glock pointed at the man’s face.

Bang!

Instakill!

“I love that they added the ‘instakill!’” Quantum shouts.

Spew Gorge, now free, runs to the exit of the Shinigami’s guildhall, leaving his cousin/father still bound.

“Fick you, Spewy, untie me!”

“Fick you, Hiccup!”

Quantum lands in front of Kodai, his freshly equipped Glock pointed at the Japanese crime lord’s head. “I guess this means you’re the only clown left.”

“You will all pay for this,” Kodai says, his slingshot aimed at Quantum’s chest.

“Yeah? How much is it going to cost me? And are you really aiming a goddamn slingshot at me? By the way,” he grins, “goodnight.”

A foot strikes Kodai in the back of his head, knocking him out cold and forcing the slingshot from his hand.

-666 HP! Critical hit!

Quantum laughs. “That was one evil-ass kick, Aiden.”

“Been working on that one.”

Aiden lifts Kodai by his scruff and turns him toward Ryuk.

“He with you?” Quantum calls over to the Ballistics Mage.

Ryuk nods.

“Well, you want to do the honors or what?”

FeeTwix places his hand on Ryuk’s shoulder. “Do it,” the Swede says.

“Yeah.” Ryuk takes a few steps closer to Quantum and Aiden as his Marble Gun appears in his hand.

He knows that his brother can just respawn, that he can never inflict the kind of pain on Kodai that Kodai has inflicted on him, but insult to injury will do nonetheless.

Ryuk pops the mag out of his Marble Gun, clears all the marbles out at the press of a button, and places a single sword marble in.

Once the mag is reloaded into the back of the gun, Ryuk places the muzzle of his weapon against Kodai’s forehead.

Aiden stands on one side now, Quantum on the other. Doc is behind them, helping Hiccup get out of his ropes, Oric is off to the right with Wolf, and Enway and FeeTwix are behind him.

Kodai blinks his eyes open. “Ryuk?” he asks, shock spreading across his face. He glares at his younger brother. “You don’t have the fucking guts to do it.”

Ryuk digs the muzzle even further into his brother’s head.

“Come on,” Quantum whispers.

“You fucking pus–”

Instakill!

The sword marble tears through the back of Kodai’s head and plinks against the floor.

“Fick yeah!” Hiccup shouts, a mixture of blood and healing potion spewing from his lips.

Epilogue

Ryuk and the rest of the Mitherfickers respawn at Lothar’s bakery. Quantum, Aiden, and Doc aren’t with them – they said something about hitting up Barfly’s in Aramis – and Ryuk can tell that FeeTwix would have invited himself had it not been for the fact that Zaena was suffering from pyro affliction.

“I hope this works,” the Swede mumbles as his avatar takes shape. Ryuk knows that he’s gone through a plethora of opposite emotions over the last hour, from the adrenaline of battle to the excitement of seeing his hero to returning to the woman he cares deeply for.

“All we can do is hope,” Enway says as they enter the bakery.

Ryuk catches a glimpse of Yangu in the yard next to the bakery. He gets the urge to run over and greet the snow dragon, but suppresses it.

There are more pressing things at hand.

“Fick, we should probably pray too,” Hiccup says. “And I’m fickin’ good at praying, if anyone’s asking.”

Since being rescued, the goblin has gone through a case of healing potions given to him by the Fickers. He has another case waiting for him, Ryuk knows because FeeTwix privately messaged him about it, but the Swede is trying to stop the goblin from overindulging.

“It will be nice to see my old friend,” Oric says after he and Wolf have spawned. “It’s been a while.”

“I still find it hard to believe you have friends, He-Man, but that’s just me.”

“I think the same thing about you, goblin,” Oric says as he and Wolf enter the bakery.

“Yeah? Well fick you too.” The goblin stops and turns away from Ryuk just as a squealer zips from his nethercheeks. “I didn’t want you to face the wrath of that one, Marbles.”

“Um, thanks?” he says, the putrid air still reaching his nostrils.

Enway, now inside the bakery, places her hand on her neck and makes a choking gesture to Ryuk.

FeeTwix is going through some shit, but Ryuk is too, especially after what Tamana did. Still, there is something about the buster sword that she gave him, and he could have sworn she communicated with him through the weapon.

Also, capping his brother – what pleasure that brought him. Ryuk isn’t keen to explore these feelings, but they’re there. Before he can follow this thought pattern down the rabbit hole, Hiccup sticks his mechanical hand out.

“What are you doing?”

“Fick, Marbles, you act like I’m trying to give you a horizontal handie or something.”

“What?”

“I’m trying to shake your fickin’ hand, kid.”

Ryuk eyes his mechanical hand suspiciously with his Extreme Focus ability. Hiccup’s hand is grimy, scratched, there’s a dried booger on Hiccup’s pointer finger, and there is dried blood on his palm.

“We bow in Japanese culture,” Ryuk says, figuring now is as good a time as any to create a teachable moment.

“Bow? Fick me, Marbles, I’m nobody’s bowing fickboy.” The goblin adjusts his girth and grunts. “But if that’s what wets your chalupa.” Hiccup bends his head forward. “Thank you for saving my ass. And Spew Gorge’s ass, even though he’s an ungrateful little ficker. But thank you, Marbles, and the rest too, but they don’t need to see me bowing. How’s my hair by the way? Yoy, this gesture hurts the back of my neck.”

“Your hair is great, and thank you as well,” Ryuk says, bowing.

“What are you thanking me for?” Hiccup asks, looking up at him.

“For always saving our asses.”

The goblin chortles. “That’s right, I do usually save our asses. I’d pat myself on the back, but that would require effort.” He yawns. “Any-fickin’-hoo, let’s get in there and see about curing Liz’s scaly, yet perfectly shaped and nicely taut, green ass. Then let’s get some rest. I need a gobnap.”

(0)__(0)

They head into the bakery and are greeted by Lothar’s wife. She’s behind the counter, her face red as she rotates some of the pastries, putting the fresh ones in the front of the display case and the older ones closer to the back.

She smiles thinly, and nods upstairs.

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” Hiccup says as he approaches the human-sized stairs. “Fick, I really don’t want to climb those. Any chance I could get a piggyback ride?”

“Nope.”

Ryuk takes two stairs at a time to get away from Hiccup.

“And all the nice things I just fickin’ said…”

Everyone has gathered around a small cot in the open space of Lothar’s library. Zaena rests on the cot, her infected arm across her chest. Wolf is near her, sniffing the air, his tail tucked between his legs, and while it seems like Lothar and Oric would like to catch up, they’ve focused solely on the task at hand.

“...We can discuss that later,” Lothar says as he finishes greeting Oric. The giant turns to the Hourglass Mage, who stands with her Book of Time tucked under her arm. “This was something I didn’t think I’d ever grant someone.”

“If it works, it works,” FeeTwix says. “You can take it away later.”

“No,” Lothar says with a sad smile, “I can’t. These types of spells, if they get into the wrong hands, can augment the base D-NAS of Tritania. It is like opening Pandora’s Box.”

“You can trust me with it,” Enway says.

“I’m sure I can, but this is a great power, and with great power…”

“Fick me, are we really going with that quote, Big Guy?” Hiccup asks, out of breath. “Look, if you know a way to heal Liz’s one percent tush, then let’s fickin’ do it. She’s the best we got. Yeah, we have Tarzan too, but he’s a loner and I fickin’ hate loners.”

Oric shakes his head.

“Chill, Hiccup,” Ryuk says, placing his hand on the goblin’s shoulder.

“Chill? Pfft! Marbles, Liz is over there with a fire burning inside her and the only thing standing in the way is the big ficker. I’m not fickin’ chilling for shit.” He aims his mechanical finger at the giant. “Let’s get this Ponygirl show on the road.”

“I will ignore the goblin’s threats,” Lothar says coolly. “It is clear that they are driven by passion.”

“Hunger too, I’m getting hangry over here. And tired.”

“We will eat pastries later and then you can rest.” Lothar removes his glasses, cleans them on his blue apron, and uses the glasses to point to the top shelf of his bookcase. “Oric, can you use that ladder over there to get that wooden box.”

“The one beneath the First Artifact?” Oric asks.

“That’s the one.”

“Doesn’t seem like a very clever hiding place,” Hiccup mumbles.

“I’m very much a hidden in plain sight kind of guy, Hiccup,” Lothar tells him. Ryuk feels something electric move past his leg and he steps aside.

He knows exactly what it is, and before Oric can reach the wall with the bookshelf ladder, the box in question is floating in the air.

“Please, Princess Zaena,” Lothar says, “save your strength.”

“My strength isn’t at fault here,” she says as she uses her ghost limb to lower the box to the ground.

“Thanks,” Oric says as he takes the box from her. “Where’s the key, Lothar?”

The wooden box is sealed shut, and from where Ryuk’s standing, he can’t actually see a keyhole. Next to him now, FeeTwix bites his nails, his eyes blue as he watches Oric bring the box to the ground.

“You’re the key, Oric,” Lothar says. “Both you and I can open it.”

“Fingerprint recognition?” FeeTwix asks.

Lothar laughs. “You think you’re the only one with alien technology? Oric, place your finger on the golden square on the box’s top.”

Oric does as instructed and the clasps keeping the box together loosen and fade away. The Unigaean warrior opens the top to reveal a collection of pages that have been torn from the Book of Time.

“It’s the second one from the top,” Lothar says.

Oric finds the page in question and hands it to Enway.

The Hourglass Mage sits on the carpet and opens the Book of Time in her lap. As soon as she touches the page, it zips into the air and stitches itself back into the book.

The red tear on Enway’s face glows as she reads the spell. She gulps, looks over at Zaena, and equips her odd wand, the receiving end black and rotten, the handle fresh wood.

“I hope this works,” Oric whispers. Wolf whines, walks away, and doubles back, his ears alert as Enway lifts her wand.

“It will work,” FeeTwix says with uncertainty. “I feel like it will.”

Seeing the concern on the Swede’s face is really taking its toll on Ryuk. He feels terrible for him; he knows very well what it is like to think you’re about to lose someone. The urge to go over to FeeTwix and console him swells in Ryuk’s chest. He holds it in, not wanting to interfere in the moment.

“The Reverse Time spell, especially at higher levels, can reverse any amount of time,” Lothar says. “But doing so in certain situations can put a great strain on the OMIB, and create what are essentially black holes in the Proxima world proper, holes which cannot be closed. These can ruin a Proxima world, which is why I’ve kept the spell here.”

“I can give it back to you,” Enway says, her eyes flashing red.

“No, you can’t. Like I said, once you’ve learned the spell, it doesn’t matter if it is in your Book of Time or not. You could tear it to shreds and burn the shreds and it would reassemble, force the book open, and reform its page. Only after you’ve hung up the avatar can we take the page back out. Are you ready, Princess Zaena?”

“Just Zaena,” she says, a scowl on her face and her eyes clenched shut.

Ryuk swallows hard.

The Thulean’s infected arm across her chest and the flames slowly flickering off her flesh create a terribly tragic image. Even odder, there is no smell associated with the flames. The flames are just there, blue tips with slivers of purple running through them.

Enway aims her wand at Zaena’s arm.

“I really hope this works,” Hiccup says, his eyes wide with fear. He starts to sob. “Fick me, Marbles, don’t be such a crybaby. Fick. Come on, Zaena, I mean, Liz, pull through.”

Ryuk places his hand on Hiccup’s shoulder again.

“I’m nobody’s fickboy,” the goblin blathers as pink magic moves down Enway’s arm and to the tip of her wand.

She gulps, and a flash of magic strikes Zaena’s infected arm.

The air is sucked out of the room as everyone looks to see the result of Enway’s Reverse Time spell. Pink magic envelops the wound, bubbling at its edges. The pink magic slowly dissipates; nothing has changed about the wound.

“Oh my,” Lothar begins to say.

“Fick, I knew it wouldn’t work.”

“Dammit.” FeeTwix bites his fist and turns away.

Suddenly, the flames start to subside.

They begin to disappear, starting from her elbow and working towards her wrist. It’s as if they were never there. Her greenish skin reforms, stitching over the molten lava and charred flesh from the infection.

A flash of pink magic threads across her arm, no sign of the affliction evident.

Oric gasps. “It worked. Lothar, it worked!”

“It did!”

A bright smile paints across Enway’s face as she lowers her wand. Behind her, Wolf barks excitedly, running in a small circle.

“Fick yeah!” Hiccup nearly does a jump kick.

Ryuk instinctively bows to Lothar, his arms at his sides.

FeeTwix is beside himself with joy as he rushes over to Zaena.

“Thank you,” Zaena says, tears in her eyes as FeeTwix reaches her.

“Fick me,” Hiccup wipes his tears away. “I fickin’ love happy endings. Get the fick over here, Marbles, and don’t get any funny ideas.”

He hugs Ryuk, and for once, Ryuk doesn’t push the goblin away.

The end.

Ryuk Matsuzaki’s Character Sheet

*As of the end of book three

Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 28 Ballistics Mage

HP: 1156/1156

ATK: 157

MATK: 211

DEF: 118

MDF: 89

LUCK: 24

Skill: Tonsil Shot

Level Three: 1 in 9 chance of connecting.

Damage: 28% if enemy is less than level 30; 15% if enemy is greater than level 30.

Odds of instakill: 11%

Requirements for instakill: LUCK > 9

----

Skill: A Simple Request

Level Five: 1 in 5.95 chance of a request being granted.

Caveat: Only works with a clear marble.

Requirements: LUCK > 15

---

Skill: Cherry Poppin’ Daddy

Level Three: 1 in 9 chance of connecting. Enemy’s backside must be exposed. Higher levels increase damage and chance for an instakill.

Damage: 51% if enemy is less than level 30; 15% if enemy is greater than level thirty.

Odds of instakill: 16%

Requirements for instakill: LUCK > 7

---

Skill: Extreme Focus

Level Four: Can detect approach of camouflaged/concealed/stealthed enemies and objects.

Mage bonus: Higher levels allow sleuthing and increased accuracy. Also increases magic detection range when used in tandem with Magic Eye.

---

Skill: Inspire Others

Level Four: By inspiring others, you induce them to follow your orders. Higher levels allow for manipulation of enemies and random strangers.

Requirements: LUCK > 20

---

Skill: Magic Eye

Level Five: A colored glow indicates that magical properties are present. Higher levels allow for more detail and access to the Wikipedia of arcane knowledge. A red outline signals that a hidden enemy is near. A yellow outline signals that an object is enchanted. A dark blue outline signals that necrotic magic is being used. A green outline signals that algomagic is being used. An orange outline indicates a hidden trap is present.

Requirements: Level 13 Mage, LUCK > 8.

---

Skill: Splash Back

Level Three: Damage increases with higher levels.

Damage:  6% if enemy is less than level 30; 2% if enemy is greater than level 30.

Odds of instakill: 5%

Requirements for instakill: LUCK > 9

---

Skill: Gory Headshot

Level Three: Odds of instakill increase with level.

Odds of Instakill: 60% if enemy is less than level 30; 33% if enemy is greater than level 30.

Caveat: Must be within five meters of opponent’s head.

---

Skill: Spit Fire

Level Two: Stuff a marble in your mouth and spit it at an enemy. Higher levels allow for more control and sustained magical abilities.

Requirements: LUCK > 7

---

Skill: Bonding Trust

Level Two: Bonding trust creates an everlasting connection between you and another creature. Higher levels allow for direct communication between you and other animals as you instantly understand their languages and demeanors.

Requirements: There are no requirements for bonding trust. This skill is tied directly to your D-NAS, digital neuronal autoconstruct system, and based on your interaction with others up until the point at which you met the creature.

---

Skill: One in a Million

Level Two: Use your slingshot and any marble of your choosing to take an impossible shot. Odds of connecting increase with each point you gain in LUCK.

Requirements: Level 10 Mage, LUCK > 17.

---

Skill: Levitate

Level One: By placing a marble in your mouth, you can levitate for thirty seconds. Higher levels allow for longer levitation.

Requirements: Level 15 Mage, LUCK > 12.

---

Skill: Knights in White Satin

Level One: Call upon the Empress’ guard to aid you in a battle.

Caveat: Can only be used once per day.

Requirements: Gifted by Empress Thun.

---

Skill: Preemptive Strike

Level One: Distract your enemies, or have your guildmates distract them and receive a fifteen percent bonus on your attack.

Requirements: Level 18 Mage, LUCK > 20.

Hiccup’s First Novella

This story takes place a day before Fantasy Online (what you just read/are reading) starts. Don’t miss this one! It’s fun, short, and crazy.

Available on Kindle Unlimited and Amazon.

Back of the Book Shit

Reader,

If you haven’t already started the Last Warrior of Unigaea trilogy, aka Oric and Wolf’s backstory, you can do so here.

The Feedback Loop is Quantum’s series, and since it is eight books long, I suggest going with the box set here. It’s fun, gritty, and you’ll see a ton of references to the Fantasy Online series in it.

Thanks for reading, and please review the first book in the series if you haven’t already.

If you need clothing, Hiccup’s Mitherficker shirt is now available on my website:

The Last Warrior of Unigaea PREVIEW

(aka, the back story of Oric and Wolf)

Out on Amazon now.

Chapter One: Cliffhanger

A small pebble bounces down into the valley.

I look up at the ledge to see my muscles bulge, my vein pulsing with blood. Digital life force. There’s a slight chill in the air but my body is warm from exertion. I’ve been hanging on the side of this cliff for twenty minutes now, waiting for my prey to walk along the mountain pass.

The things you can do in an online world …

My vision pane flashes and a couple pebbles skip past me.

I originally came to the Farthing Mountains to look for sunset roots so I could craft a few potions. I found one, but then I saw the orcs coming and figured at least one had to be a Player Character. If I’m lucky, two.

My grip loosens and I dig my fingers in tighter.

Don’t look down, I remind myself.

I still need to assign the attribute points from my last level-up – three points to be exact – and as I hang, I use the interface to transfer all three points into STRENGTH. My muscles expand and my chest plate made of Solidus steel tightens.

I feel myself get a little heavier, stronger, and more aggressive.

My character sheet appears:

Oric Rune

Class: Level 8 Player Killer

Subclass: Level 3 Herbalist

INFAMY: 38 Players killed

HP: 869/869

HP recovery rate: 2% per minute

ATK: 133 +51

DEF: 114 +30

Attributes

STRENGTH: 10

WILL: 4

DEXTERITY: 7

MIND: 4

SPEED: 5

I hear voices and mentally swipe away the interface. There will be time to pat myself on the back later.

(^_^)

Here they come.

The three orcs chortle as they make their way around the bend. They’re merchants, hopefully Player Characters, and if I’m ever going to get some loot and attribute points the old-fashioned way, it’ll be by killing these three.

I tighten my grip on the ledge, pull my knees up, and press the balls of my feet into the rock face. The red outlines of their bodies appear on my vision pane even though I can’t officially see them yet.

If I time it just right …

Almost there …

Now!

I latch onto the cliff’s edge and do something I would never be able to do in real life – bounce my feet off the rock face and use all my power to backflip up to the mountainside pass.

“Hey!”

I grab the first orc by the front of his chest plate and toss the slack-jawed bastard off the escarpment.

Instakill!

+1 Infamy!

A Player Character. Yes!

My sword comes out, as do the swords of the two other orc merchants. Their levels and anonymous handles appear next to their names.

Two level sevens? Damn.

“You’re going to pay for that!” the first orc seethes. A green icon over his head flashes.

An NPC.

The other has a blue icon.

Another Player Character, hell yes.

“Some good that shitty sword will do!” he screams.

I grin at him. If you only knew …

All avatars start in Unigaea with a legendary weapon that needs upgrading. This “diamond in the rough” approach gives new players something to immediately see to. Either sell the weapon for instant funds, or get it repaired and reforged. Hell, some even learn to reforge it themselves.

I’ve done neither.

I turn my sword over in my hand, waiting for one of the orcs to come forward. My legendary weapon was once a full-fledged buster sword, but the blade has since splintered into three distinct peaks. It’s still large – about as long as a skateboard – and sharp as hell too, but the blade’s odd form has taken many an enemy off guard.

Much to my advantage.

“You’re dead!” The NPC orc charges me and brings his smaller sword up to meet mine.

Our weapons clink together and I quickly overpower him, using my leg to sweep his feet out from beneath him. The other orc merchant attacks as his counterpart rolls away, spraying dust into the air on his approach.

“I’ll kill you!” the Player Character shouts. He’s much better with his sword than the NPC; still, I manage to get in a brushing swipe that connects with his shoulder.

-145 HP!

Thick ichor spritzes from his wound. He screams like a sissy and disappears in a flash.

I stupidly turn to figure out where he went and my vision pane flashes.

A rogue orc?

While my armor protects me from the NPC orc’s stab, I do receive some blunt damage. The other orc comes in for another swing; his blade lands perfectly in one of the valleys of my splintered sword.

This was why I hadn’t had my buster sword reforged.

The NPC orc growls, presses his weight forward, seethes, and tries to free his sword from the groove in my blade. I twist my wrist and grin at my unsightly assailant. He pushes his weight forward again, and I reward his efforts with a boot to the chest that sends him straight to the ground.

I come down hard with my three-pronged, splintered sword, tearing through his cheap leather armor and piercing his lung. I twist the blade, he cries out in pain, and I yank it out, arcing the air with blood.

-286 HP! Instakill!

I take a step back to catch my breath.

Wham!

The next sound I hear is my body hitting the ground.

(^_^)

My head stops spinning moments later and I find the rogue orc standing over me with his sword at my throat.

His face is covered in blotches, his teeth misshapen, pointy, and yellow. The other trait that defines him – aside from his poorly armored man tits – is his festering stink, one part sulfuric urine and two parts Limburger cheese.

I don’t know why a Player Character would want to play as a rancid orc, and I really don’t care.

Spit flies at my face as he shouts, “I wanted you to watch me kill you. This is what thieves get! This is what Player Killers deserve!”

I keep my eyes trained on him as I slowly pat my hand against the soil, desperate for the hilt of my weapon.

The orc kicks my Splintered Sword away. “Your broken-ass sword won’t do you any good now!”

He presses the tip of his blade into my Adam’s apple and snarls.

“Do it then,” I grit. “End this.”

“If you die, you have to start over completely. Level one,” he reminds me with a sneer. “You’ll lose your busted-ass sword too.”

This is the one thing that makes Unigaea one of the most addicting and most frustrating Proxima worlds in recent memory. It doesn’t matter what you do, nor what level you're at – if you die in Unigaea, your narrative ends. No respawning, no save points, no being brought back from death.

You start over with a level-one avatar, if you decide to start over at all.

A strand of my long brown hair falls in my face and I blow it out of my pane of vision. I smile at the filthy orc. “Do it.”

He’s just about to pull his arm back when an enormous black wolf tackles him, going straight for his jugular. The wolf whips his head left and right, sinking his teeth deeper into the orc’s neck.

-79 HP! -56 HP!

The huge wolf stops just before snapping the orc’s neck. The majestic beast, a deep shade of shadow and large enough for a human to ride, turns to me.

He bares his teeth and his ears flit back. Behind him, the orc chokes on his own blood.

“Easy,” I start to tell the beast.

The big wolf approaches me slowly, locks his big, blue-green eyes onto me and …

I reach my hand out to him. The wolf relaxes immediately and starts panting.

“Thanks for letting me finish the job, Wolf,” I say as I push myself up and run my hand behind his ear, scratching his favorite spot. He thumps his leg, sighs, and makes the cute whimpering sound he always makes when he’s happy.

Once I’m on my feet, I move over to the rogue orc and squat in front of him.

His eyes quiver as he takes in my form. His neck has been torn to shreds and the front of his armor is covered in blood, with a couple of bloody dog footprints. He coughs as thick crimson ichor boils from his lips.

I drive my Splintered Sword into his neck and twist.

Instakill!

+1 Infamy!

Bonus attribute point received!

I stand and wipe my bloodied blade onto his pant leg, suddenly disgusted at myself.

Wolf sits on his haunches and begins licking his paws. I walk over to the ledge for a moment and stare out at the magnolia pines below. I have to remind myself why it is I’ve chosen to do this, to go against everything I ever thought to be true and become a Player Killer.

I’m not yet strong enough yet, but I will be soon enough, I think, as a vulture lifts into the sky, screeching to signal to its brethren that dinner is ready.

My mantra for the last month still doesn’t change what I am, or what I must do to become who I’m supposed to be.

After another moment to collect my thoughts, I turn back to the two dead orcs, steeling myself for the troubling, uncertain journey that lies ahead.

Continue Last Warrior here!

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