Contents

FOREWORD by Nick Sheehan

INTRODUCTION

HOW TA USE DA BOOK & ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

MOVIE REVIEWS A–Z

BIBLIOGRAPHY & FURTHER READING

ABOUT THIS BOOK

I first met the author of this book while attending a lecture on yakuza films in a cluttered Tokyo bookshop. As film critic Mark Schilling did his best to explain the history of the genre to a roomful of clueless expat weirdos, I couldn’t help but notice the gregarious Welshman sitting next to me. His direct and pertinent questions on classic ninkyo films, the rise of the jitsuroku genre and the life of real-life gangster turned movie star Ando Nobaru were in stark contrast to the general confusion of the rest of the audience. Could it be? I thought, with some excitement. Halfway around the world, here in the land of the rising sun, I have found another trash-film fanatic? And a fellow Celt, no less?

After the lecture, I decided to test the waters. This guy seemed to know his samurai and yakuza films. But how would he fare with a question on Eurohorror? I threw out a casual reference to Umberto Lenzi’s sprinting zombie flick, NIGHTMARE CITY. Without missing a beat the grinning Welshman (whom I noted with admiration possessed the barrel-chested physique of a young Paul Naschy) made a crack about Hugo Stiglitz’ patchy beard. I was impressed. Not only did he know NIGHTMARE CITY. He even knew the name of its wooden Mexican lead! It was like that scene in Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises, where the cagey old Spaniard tests the protagonist’s knowledge of matadors, and with surprised delight finds him truly simpatico. Except that I’m not that much older than Clive. And, as I’d soon find out, I know a hell of a lot less about film than he does!

But it wasn’t until a few months later, over a lunch of Kirin beer and pasta arriabbiata, that I realised how truly out of my depth I was. After an exhausting and embarrassing hour of trying to keep up with Mr. Davies’ apparently limitless knowledge of genre cinema, I retreated to the one area where I felt sure he couldn’t possibly know more than me. Zero-budget Canadian shot-onsuper-8 horror films. Films made by people I know personally. Movies that no one who’d grown up in a rural Welsh town and then moved to Japan could ever have seen. Things like, uh, THINGS.

“THINGS, right,” said Clive, through a mouthful of spaghetti. “Barry J. Gillis. I haven’t seen it yet. But I’ve seen the other film he made. WICKED WORLD.”

My jaw hit the table. THINGS — strong contender for title of ‘best worst film’ ever, though little known outside its rabid cult following — was at least released on video in North America. Barry J. Gillis’ second film has never been released in any format, anywhere! It was up streaming on the director’s website for about a week sometime in the early 2000s. Where, I suppose, ten people in the world might have seen it. One of whom apparently was Clive bloody Davies.

I shook my head in despair. Was there nowhere I could better this bastard? Even my paltry IMDb credits paled when compared to the volume of bit parts Clive’s done for the Japanese film industry over the past decade. Commercials with Hollywood stars, Japanese pop-idols and professional George W. Bush lookalikes? Check. Film roles with Japanese comedians, singers and tough guy icons like Takeuchi Riki? Check. Regular appearances in dramatic recreations for variety programmes and starring performances in cheesy pachinko parlour promotional videos? Check and check. My God, the man nearly got thrown off a hair-gel commercial once, for making fun of Orlando Bloom, right to his pretty English face!

There was no point in going on. I had to face facts. This guy lives, breathes, eats, sleeps and shits movies. He has film developer for blood, acetate for guts, and in place of a normal brain, a terrifying pulpy database of all things cine-weird. Trying to one-up Clive Davies in a game of ’name-that-obscure-actor-director-or-film’ is as unwise as it is pointless. And so, faced with that knowledge, I did what any sensible cinephile would do. I bowed deeply and said:

“Teach me more, sensei!”

During the past four years I have, on rare occasions, cursed that impulsive outburst. For example, during the fourth hour of INTERNATIONAL GUERILLAS (the epic Pakistani pro-fatwa musical depicting infidel author Salman Rushdie as a Blofeldesque supervillain!). Or, at the 80 minute mark of ISLAND CLAWS, where I began pleading with the film to stop subjecting me to endless badly acted dialogue scenes and, for the love of God, make with the giant crabs the box art promised! Or, while watching pretty much any film by Andy Milligan. And yes, I’ll admit that there were nights where I felt my brain trying to crawl out my ear to escape whatever new horror Clive was subjecting me to. But I can see now that it was good for me. It expanded my horizons. And opened my mind. You know they say you’re not learning if you’re comfortable. And if that’s true, if discomfort really does equal education, then suffering through films like SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY, THUNDERCRACK!, BRAINSUCKER and MONSTROSITY should entitle you to an instant PhD.

Which brings us, at last, to this book. This labour of love. This product of tens of thousands of ass-numbing hours spent in cinema seats and on living room sofas. Thanks to SPINEGRINDER, you too can put yourself in the Mad Welshman’s experienced hands, and let him guide you through a century of film history as only he can. For there has never been a film reviewer quite like Clive Davies. He is the ultimate film egalitarian. There is nothing he won’t watch. From microbudget to megabudget, from Hollywood to Nollywood, from silent to sensurround-sound, from hardcore porn to children’s education films, there isn’t a genre alive or dead he doesn’t have a handle on. Simply put, if someone has taken the time to stand in front of a camera and do something, anything, chances are that Clive has either seen it, has plans to see it, or is annoyed that he can’t see it because all the prints of it burned up in an air raid during World War II.

But it’s not just the breathtaking scope of the SPINEGRINDER mandate, “to review the films other reviewers pretend don’t exist,” that makes this book such fun to read. It’s Clive’s willingness to fly in the face of accepted critical consensus. To tip sacred cows. And to call a boring piece of shit, a boring piece of shit when he sees it. This, as well as his tendency to let you know if an otherwise awful film has a redeeming sequence or two, makes SPINEGRINDER an invaluable road map to cinema’s uncharted backwaters. Here’s just a sample of the wit and wisdom to be found within:

“Sure, this hard to believe oddity is slow and boring in parts, but how many anti-drug turkey monster movies are there?”

“A cop dressed in women’s clothing is the only indication that this is an Ed Wood picture.”

“No one wears metal pants and teased hair like Thor.”

“Being a b/w Lippert production, you know it’s just gonna be back-projection lizards.”

“BATTLESHIP POTEMKIN could have done with some more cheerleaders in it. Stupid Eisentein.”

And finally, from a review of J. Christian Ingvordsen’s 1997 action film, AIR BOSS 2: PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE, we get this sage advice: “Avoid like dog shit.”

So what are you waiting for? Buy the book, and begin your own journey to the darkest heart of the cinematic netherworld. With Clive Davies as your guide, you’ll probably come back in one piece. Well, at least physically. I can’t vouch for what may happen to your mind.

Nick Sheehan
May 2012

Nick Sheehan has contributed writing and art to Cinema Sewer, co-written Meat Market, and written the film Graveyard. He is also the author-illustrator of the online book, Grease Trap.

PART 1 First video and more recently high definition home entertainment, through to the internet with its streaming videos and not strictly legal peer-to-peer capabilities. With so many sources available, today’s fan of horror and exploitation movies isn’t necessarily educated on paths well-trodden — Universal classics, 1950s monster movies, Hammer — as once they were. They may not even be born and bred on DAWN OF THE DEAD. In fact, anyone with a bit of technical savvy (quickly becoming second nature for the born-clicking generation) may be viewing MYSTICS IN BALI and S.S. EXPERIMENT CAMP long before ever hearing of Bela Lugosi or watching a movie directed by Dario Argento.

The playing field has more-or-less been levelled. We need no longer overpraise a film, nor overlook its bad points simply because so much time and effort has been expended in order to reach it. The obscure “must-see” items are fewer and farther between. Those fans in search of that “long lost” giallo, say, might rest assured it is likely to surface soon. H.G. Lewis, so-called “godfather of gore,” carries the same stripes as Alfred Hitchcock, “master of suspense,” in this new age of fandom. Trailblazers like writer-publisher Michael J. Weldon have done their bit to alert us to the fact, and many critics and fans have followed suit. I count myself among them.

To give an example, I saw CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST before I did Tod Browning’s DRACULA. I have seen countless Italian cannibal gut-munchers, but not all of Universal’s classic monsters. THE DEFIANT ONES? Missed that, sorry. BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA? Saw it as a teen on video. You get the point.

This book is, I like to think, the first in a multivolume series that will cover the endless supply of exploitation, cult and related material floating about out there, from all countries. Unlike other film review books, every entry is based on actual viewing by one person alone: me. Regardless of whether you agree with what I say or not, you have a real, opinionated maypole to dance around.

I tried to fit in as many obscure titles as I could without sacrificing groundwork titles. Sometimes I may not have much new to say about an old favourite, but I hope, at least, to have presented it in a different context. Many titles you might expect to find are missing. This is likely because I haven’t seen them, pure and simple. Or, at least not recently.

I have endeavoured to cover foreign-language films that remain unsubbed and undubbed, notably Japanese releases, with the help of my glamorous translating assistant. Some of these, I hope, will become better known as a result.

All of this juggling of obscurities, classics, cult gems in the making, and the inevitable shelffilling dross, means that SPINEGRINDER is a bit of everything and all of nothing. It’s a dip (or a long soak) in many different pools that will lead one day to volume two.

May many men-in-gorilla-suits lay in your future.

PART 2 The first film I ever remember seeing was ZOLTAN… HOUND OF DRACULA (aka DRACULA’S DOG), a Charles Band production from the 70s which turned up (while still relatively new) on HTV, the regional outlet for ITV’s programming in South Wales, in the mid-80s. My father had taped it off late-night tv, and was settling down to watch it the following afternoon. I was already a morbid little kid drawn to horror and precociously dismissive of “kids’ films”, so chose ZOLTAN over BAMBI and a trip to the cinema with my sister.

I have reservations about going back to rewatch ZOLTAN, as, by all accounts, it is a very silly film with little to redeem it, and my childhood memories paint it as quite a scary, atmospheric vampire dog film (not an overcrowded genre). I remember my dad quite enjoying it, too (I was a young child; don’t know what his excuse was). Anyway, the father-son horror watching team became a regular fixture. Specifically Hammer horror, and even more specifically their Dracula films (Dad didn’t like their Frankenstein series for some reason). We also watched lots of westerns together (a very Dad thing to like, and it took me many years to quite understand his attraction to cowboy movies, but I took to the Italian stuff straight away, thanks to a family viewing of THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY).

Dad’s prejudices didn’t effect my viewing for long, though, as it is only a matter of time before a movie obsessed kid learns how to set the video timer himself, and perfect the craft far in advance of his seniors (the only drawback to becoming Lord of the VCR are all the requests from other family members to tape stuff for them — but a small price to pay). We didn’t really have a nearby video shop in my village (I do recall some bloke with a few titles in a rented room above the hairdressers for a while, and getting GHOSTBUSTERS from there). I was too young to drive, of course, so a trip to a video rental shop (usually Sal’s in Llandeilo) was a rare treat (although I was never allowed to rent the truly gory titles I craved, the closest I got was persuading my non-horror fan brother to rent GHOULIES one time, as it was a bit of a comedy). And the nearest cinema was the other side of the Black Mountain (I loved Brynaman cinema, it had a particularly good fish & chips shop nearby, and it was part of the family cinema-going ritual).

Despite my memories leading me to believe that I was the only truly movie-obsessed member of my family, I do recall my father once driving us back over the Black Mountain in such thick fog that he had to open his driver-side door a crack to follow the yellow road markings (the road didn’t have much in the way of barriers either, so you could easily drive over a precipice!). That’s some dedication to moviegoing! But my mainline to movies was the telly. (We didn’t have satellite or cable, although a co-worker of my Dad’s did have cable, and I remember my old man bringing home a box full of vids of films his mate had taped off cable, including CONAN THE DESTROYER.) Our VCR (not that we ever used that acronym in the UK; very American) worked overtime. I caught up with more Hammer (including the Frankenstein stuff, and THE DEVIL RIDES OUT, which really impressed me), and I found what a director did and stuff like that from books. My first cinematic behind-the-scenes hero (while still in primary school) was Terence Fisher.

Moviedrome was on BBC2 back then, and host Alex Cox introduced me to more than a few memorable gems (my Dad really liked THE WICKER MAN too!). S4C (that’s the Welsh C4) had GODZILLA seasons; HTV seemed to run horror films on Friday night for years, and I remember vividly being scared shitless by NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (and this was on a bright Saturday morning the day after I taped it!). Horror and sci-fi, leading to an interest in other types of violent and/or controversial movies, is a familiar path for young cult movie fans in bloom, and soon enough I was craving Sam Peckinpah and more of those weird Hong Kong movies that turned up at Christmas time on S4C. In my teens, inspired by an article I read by Kim Newman on his early forays into film criticism, I decided to watch every film that was shown on tv, regardless of genre or era or anything (well, I tried; I didn’t catch them all, but it was a very productive and horizon-broadening few years). I saw many classics, many more forgettable tv movies, began to appreciate musicals, was blindsided by gems from the past, disappointed by overrated omnipresent behemoths and learnt that the establishment didn’t necessarily know a good thing when they saw it, and generally cultivated a personal, critical yet bemused and reasonably educated cinematic outlook. But I hadn’t really been taking notes.

Fast-forward to 1999, Tokyo, Japan. I’m 19-years-old, a newlywed, and out-of-work in a strange land. Lots of time on my hands. Do I buckle down and study Japanese like a good boy? No, I frequent the local video shops (of which there are many) and gorge myself on all those banned films you couldn’t see so easily back then in the UK (I had seen a few of the “nasties” and was a Fulci fan, but had a long way to go). ILSA, THE EXECUTIONER, CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE, FACES OF DEATH and a whole new world of local product of which hitherto I had seen little (FUDOH and SPLATTER: NAKED BLOOD were bootleg faves in the summer of 96). Aided by a translator (the wife) I watched the likes of the ALL NIGHT LONG series, DEAD OR ALIVE: HANZAISHA, ICHI THE KILLER, JIGOKU, GHOST STORY OF YOTSUYA and so on, many yet to be given English subtitles. (I was aided by the essential, if highly inaccurate, JAPANESE CINEMA ENCYCLOPEDIA books by Thomas Weisser… the guy still has a lot to fucking answer for, though!). This time, I was writing all about my discoveries. My viewing scope contracted a bit. Now that I had access to all the exploitation films I really wanted to see (often in nice, uncut widescreen prints; the Japanese were so ahead-of-the-game in this respect, preserving on VHS and laserdisc prior to dvd and Blu-ray), I wasn’t watching as many romantic comedies, musicals and movies starring John Ritter as I used to. I became better versed in the fields of spaghetti westerns, kung fu, pink films, gialli, direct-to-tv action movies, Indonesian fantasies, films with Billy Drago in…

In 2002, I sent some sample reviews to Headpress (then based in Manchester) and they agreed to publish SPINEGRINDER (my original title was the less punchy, “Rather Far I Think…” an obscure reference to THE WEREWOLF VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN). After a couple of years and several missed deadlines, I sent Headpress about 6,500 reviews (all based on first-hand viewing). The publishing world moves slowly, and through no fault of anyone it seemed to take forever. In late 2010, I decided to take SPINEGRINDER back for a database of online reviews.

PART 3 I was doing that for about 13 months, gradually transforming each review into a web page (I got through about 700), and writing about new viewing experiences, when I got a mail from Headpress. Would I like to try to get the print version out again? I jumped at the chance, and have spent the last three months in a mad scramble to get it altogether in a presentable form. This was tough-going for a number of reasons. Crazy as it seems, I had never run a spellcheck before in my life (anyone who read the sample reviews on the Headpress website will know this to be true), so I had to spellcheck the whole text from scratch — surely one of the most tedious exercises known to man; the only upside being that I caught up on my dubstep, listening on headphones at the same time. (Zomby, Shackleton, Kode9 et al, you are lifesavers.) I also had to put back together the original text that had been torn apart in the creation of the website, update it in terms of sequels, remakes etc., add all the subsequent reviews that I had typed up, incorporate the stack of post-2004 reviews that I had only written-up in notebooks, and watch a bunch of unseen stuff to plug some gaps.

The final product is a bit of a compromise, dictated by time, space, and the scourge of the writer: procrastination. Not to mention concern for my mental and physical health. (A previously unknown curvature of the spine problem was made worse by hours of crippling office-chair work, making the title of the book oddly prophetic — I have actually grinded my spine for cinema). As a result, some stuff I would have liked to have been included is not, and some stuff (notably from the last decade) you might expect is not. This book probably includes about two-thirds of all films that I have seen. An additional 2,000 reviews currently exist only in longhand in scattered notebooks. Another couple of thousand film reviews never got past the scribbled-note stage, and will have to be rewatched in the future for accuracy. Things that were left out that I really wanted to talk about include INTERNATIONAL GUERILLAS and THE BRAINSUCKER, both mentioned in Nick Sheehan’s intro, STUNT ROCK, 28 WEEKS LATER…, I COME WITH THE RAIN, THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE WEIRD, THE CROSS OF THE 7 JEWELS, etc, etc, etc. But there will be time for these in a proposed second volume (give me another decade), while ongoing nuggets will be dispensed regularly at

SPINEGRINDERWEB.COM

What you have in store for you now is approximately 8,000 reviews (I didn’t have time to count), all based on first-hand viewing by one opinionated obsessive. And I did rewatch ZOLTAN.

Clive D.
April 2004 & May 3, 2012
Tokyo, Japan

* The figure Clive is looking for is 7,221. We maxed out the printers’ page count tolerance with this book and had to remove some of the reviews — The publisher.

The film reviews are alphabetical [1], each entry listed by its most recognised English-language title (unless the original language title is better known), thus:

[1] ABBOT OF SHAOLIN [2] (slice of death; shaolin abbot; shao lin ying xiong bang) [3] (1979 HK) [4] D: HO MENG HUA W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW  David Chiang is at his best in this kung fu… [5] [Illus.]

This is followed, in brackets and lowercase, [2] by all other English-language variants, along with the original language title (sometimes several for a co-production). Then [3] the year of production (as opposed to year of release) and country of origin. Next, [4] the names of director (D), writer (W) (which includes screenplay and story credits; if the original story is a separate entity, this is mentioned in the body text), and main producer only (P). If a credit isn’t forthcoming, the entry is left blank, or is followed by a question mark. This is often the case when discussing obscure Asian films; Japanese films are not so troublesome because the wife can help out, but Taiwanese, Hong Kong, South Korean and Thai films sometimes, unfortunately, are rendered incomplete in this respect. Then, [] there is the review itself, and, finally [5] [Illus.] refers to the fact that the entry is illustrated by a (suitably exotic) video sleeve or somesuch nearby.

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN ABBREVIATIONS

(ARG) Argentina, (AUSL) Australia, (AUST) Austria, (BEL) Belgium, (BRZ) Brazil, (BUL) Bulgaria, (CAM) Cambodia, (CAN) Canada, (CHN) China, (COL) Columbia, (CZE) Czechoslovakia, (DEN) Denmark, (E.GER) East Germany, (EGY) Egypt, (FIN) Finland, (FRA) France, (GER) Germany, (GHA) Ghana, (GRE) Greece, (HK) Hong Kong, (HUN) Hungary, (IND) India, (INDO) Indonesia, (IRE) Ireland, (ISR) Israel, (ITL) Italy, (JPN) Japan, (KEN) Kenya, (LICH) Lichtenstein, (LUX) Luxembourg, (MEX) Mexico, (MON) Monaco, (MOR) Morocco, (NAM) Namibia, (NETH) Netherlands, (NIG) Nigeria, (NOR) Norway, (NZ) New Zealand, (PAK) Pakistan, (PAN) Panama, (PHIL) Philippines, (POL) Poland, (POR) Portugal, (PUE) Puerto Rico, (ROM) Romania, (RUS) Russia, (S.AFR) South Africa, (SCOT) Scotland, (SING) Singapore, (S.KOR) South Korea, (SLO) Slovakia, (SPN) Spain, (SVU) Soviet Union, (SWE) Sweden, (SWITZ) Switzerland, (TAI) Taiwan, (THAI) Thailand, (TUN) Tunisia, (TUR) Turkey, (UAE) United Arab Emirates, (UK) United Kingdom, (US) United States of America, (VEN) Venezuela, (W.GER) West Germany, (YUG) Yugoslavia.

THANKS TO…

First and foremost David Kerekes and the Headpress team for taking a chance on me; Darren Jones; Dad for showing me ZOLTAN way back when; and the rest of my families, Davies and Kudo; Michael J. Weldon, Robin Bazalgette, Nick Sheehan and probably too many other people who I hope don’t get pissed-off for not mentioning them.

I’ve mentioned it elsewhere, but if you do have any corrections or blanks that can be filled, please do drop me a line at THESPINEGRINDERJP@YAHOO.CO.JP

THIS ONE’S FOR NORIKO, NYUN AND OOGO. PU.

AACHI & SSIPAK (2001 S.KOR ANIMATED) D: JOE BUM-JIN W: JUNG HYE-WON/KANG SANG-KYUN P: KIM SUN-KU In a future governed by the energy crisis, human waste is an alternative fuel source. Rings are inserted into everyone’s anus at birth, so that each turd dropped in special public toilet/vending machines can be detected and rewarded with an addictive juicybar (lollipop) that gets you high. Juicybar abuse has resulted in constipated blue midgets called The Diaper Gang, who are always trying to steal juicybar deliveries. Their latest scam involves putting a bunch of detector rings up one beautiful young woman’s arsehole, so each of her dumps hits the jackpot! The title characters are a couple of street punks who get involved in this scenario, and become targets of the Diaper Gang, and a corrupt government’s violent cyborg cop called Geko. This brilliantly animated feature (eight years in the making), that started life as some online shorts, never quite lives up to its inventive premise, wallowing a little too much in infantile gags (and featuring some that could be considered homophobic), but is a mostly enjoyable, joyously rude and quite funny cult item, in the spirit of adult animation favourites like FRITZ THE CAT. With references to MISERY, and a replay of the mine cart chase scene from INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM (1984). [Illus.]

AATANK (1996 IND) D/P: PREM H. LALWANI W: SACHIN BHOWMICK In this rather late JAWS rip-off (which must have started filming years earlier, as cast member Vinod Mehra died in 1990), a big plastic shark terrorises a community of fishermen and their families. Gangsters after black pearls are also a problem. Big Dharmendra and his cop brother Girish Karnad (who has a Christian wedding before losing his bride to the shark) are the heroes. The singing and dancing is unremarkable (but due to the consistently high quality of Bollywood talent, not at all unpleasant) and most of this time-waster (that lacks much shark action) is reasonable background entertainment. And then you can concentrate on the ropey but energetic all-action climax. I enjoyed. With Amjad Khan, Kader Khan, Padma Khanna, Hema Malini, Ranjeet, Tom Alter, Brahmachari, Sheeram Lagoo, Manmauji, Leela Mishra, Moolchand, Keshto Mukherjee, Saijan and Asit Sen.

ABAR, THE BLACK SUPERMAN (in your face) (1977 US) D: FRANK PACKARD W: JAMES SMALLEY P: J.P. JOSHUA A middle-class black doctor and his family move into a white suburban neighbourhood. The racist locals harass and threaten them, dump garbage all over the lawn and even kill their cat. A black militant biker gang help the doctor, even though they don’t see eye-to-eye on politics. This all leads up to the gang leader Abar drinking the doctor’s experimental serum that turns him into an indestructible, psychic superhero. The doctor wants revenge for the death of his son at the hands of bigots, and this very moralistic and odd movie is more of a power-struggle drama than fantasy adventure. It’s well worth a look as long as you don’t expect big thrills or action outrageousness.

ABASHIRI BANGAICHI See: ABASHIRI PRISON

ABASHIRI PRISON (a man from abashiri prison; the walls of abashiri; abashiri bangaichi) (1965 JPN) D/W: TERUO ISHII W: HAJIME SATO Ken Takakaura stars as an inmate at Abashiri prison, in snow-swept Hokkaido at the very north of Japan. He has flashbacks of an abusive stepfather, worries about his sick mother and escapes from a transport truck prior to parole against his will, cuffed to bad egg Hiroshi Nanbara (like in 1958’s THE DEFIANT ONES). Tetsuro Tambas is Takakaura’s vengeance-seeking lawyer who goes after them when they break in and assault his wife while on the run. The action highlight is a downhill railroad handcart chase. This fairly entertaining but dated b/w hit was followed by 17 (!) sequels in seven years. With Kunie Tanaka, Toru Abe, Kanjuro Arashi and a popular theme tune sung by Takakura.

ABBOT OF SHAOLIN (slice of death; shaolin abbot; shao lin ying xiong bang) (1979 HK) D: HO MENG HUA W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW David Chiang is at his best in this kung fu production from the writer/director team behind THE FLYING GUILLOTINE. He plays a Shaolin monk determined to rebuild the Shaolin temple after it was destroyed by the Qing Dynasty. Lo Lieh is a villainous white haired ex-Shaolin monk who’s sided with the Qing to destroy the Shaolin rebels. Tang Te Hsiang was the choreographer, and the fight scenes (and training scenes) are first-class. Minor quibble: The final Chiang/Lieh faceoff is too short. Otherwise, highly recommended. With Norman Chu, Lily Li, Goo Goon Chung, Ching Miu, Yeung Chi Hing, Kong Do and Chan Shen.

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO GO TO MARS (1953 US) D: CHARLES LAMONT W: JOHN GRANT/D.D. BEAUCHAMP W/P: HOWARD CHRISTIE Fun b/w Bud Abbott and Lou Costello outing have the bumbling duo aboard a rocket that first gets them into trouble with escaped cons in the New Orleans Mardi Gras and then later in outer space and on Venus, which is populated by beautiful women in sexy outfits (including Anita Ekberg and Miss USA 1952 Jackie Loughery as guards). With Mari Blanchard, Robert Paige, Horace McMahon, Martha Hyer, Jack Kruschen, Jean Willes, James Flavin, Bobby Barber, Stanley Blystone, Ken Christy, Russ Conway, Dudley Dickerson, Lester Dorr, Ed Fury (as “perfect man”), Harold Goodwin, Rex Lease, Hank Mann, Frank Marlowe, William Newell, Paul Newlan, Syd Saylor, Dale Van Sickel and little boy Harry Shearer.

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (1953 US) D: CHARLES LAMONT W: LEE LOEB/JOHN GRANT/HOWARD DIMSDALE/SID FIELDS/GRANT GARRETT P: HOWARD CHRISTIE Enjoyable nonsense has Bud and Lou trying to prove their worth as London cops while scientist Boris Karloff shoots himself up and turns into a wolfman-look Mr. Hyde (obviously a younger, more agile actor). Fun lowbrow slapstick and decent monster moments. Lou’s head is replaced by that of a big mouse in one scene. With Craig Stevens, Reginald Denny, John Dierkes, Wilson Benge, Marjorie Bennett, Clyde Cook, Harry Cording, John Dakeim, Al Ferguson, Donald Kerr, Gil Perkins, John Rogers, Ken Terrell and Harry Wilson.

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN (abbott and costello meet the ghosts) (1948 US) D: CHARLES T. BARTON W: JOHN GRANT/FREDERIC I. RENALDO/ROBERT LEES P: ROBERT ARTHUR In this classic horror comedy, Bud and Lou meet not only Frankenstein’s monster (Glenn Strange in Karloff makeup), but also Dracula (Bela Lugosi reprising his most famous role) and the wolfman (Lon Chaney Jr.). Vincent Price is the invisible man. With Frank Ferguson, Bubby Barber and Howard Negley. Even if Bud and Lou aren’t your cup of tea, this is brilliant stuff. FRANKENSTEIN, EL VAMPIRO Y COMPANIA (1962) was a Mexican remake.

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE GHOSTS See: ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE INVISIBLE MAN (1951 US) D: CHARLES LAMONT W: JOHN GRANT/FREDERIC I. RENALDO/ROBERT LEES/HOWARD SNYDER/HUGH SWEDLOCK JR. Bud Abbott and Lou Costello are a couple of lousy private detectives who are hired by a prizefighter on the run (Arthur Franz) to clear his name of murder and find the guilty parties. While Bud and Lou do their usual thing, Franz injects Dr. Gavin Muir’s experimental invisibility serum to hide from the cops and we’re treated to some pretty good invisible man FX. With William Frawley, Sheldon Leonard, Adele Jergens, John Daheim (Day), Paul Maxey, Bobby Barber, Ralph Brooks, Russ Conway, Ralph Dunn, Edward Gargan, Harold Goodwin, Kit Guard, Stuart Holmes, Donald Kerr, Perc Launders, George J. Lewis, Rory Mallinson, Ralph Montgomery, Franklin Parker, Syd Saylor, Herb Vigran and Billy Wayne.

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE KILLER BORIS KARLOFF (1949 US) D: CHARLES T. BARTON W: HUGH WEDLOCK JR./HARRY SNYDER/JOHN GRANT P: ROBERT ARTHUR Lou Costello’s just been fired from his hotel bellboy job and the guest who had him fired ends up dead. Bud Abbott is a detective who helps him find the real killer (the big joke is Lou as bait). Pretty weak A and C entry has the (then already dated) moving corpse routine and some decent serialstyle thrills in the underground cavern climax. Karloff (not the killer) is Swami, a hypnotist in a turban. With Alan Mowbray, James Flavin, Percy Helton, Claire Du Brey, Harry Hayden, Murray Alper, Bobbie Barber, Roland Winters, Marjorie Bennett and Jack Chefe.

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE MUMMY (1953 US) D: CHARLES LAMONT W: JOHN GRANT/ LEE LOEB P: HOWARD CHRISTIE Bud and Lou’s penultimate outing has them in possession of a cursed, valuable medallion that Marie Windsor and a mummy (or two) want to get their hands on. It’s the usual nonsense with bodies moving around and secret panels and the like. Watchable enough, and that funny blocking-the-door-that-opens-outward gag from Lou and Bud’s MEET FRANKENSTEIN (a truly great horror comedy) is reused (well). With Michael Ansara, Mel Welles, Richard Deacon, Peggy King (who sings), Eddie Parker (as a mummy), Donald Kerr, Hank Mann and an animated bat. In b/w. The comedy duo’s last feature together was DANCE WITH ME HENRY (1956).

ABBY (1974 US) D/W/P: WILLIAM GIRDLER W/P: GORDON CORNELL LAYNE P: MIKE HENRY Here’s a black cast EXORCIST rip-off from AIP. Carol Speed stars as Abby, a good Christian possessed by a Nigerian demon, unwittingly unleashed by her father-in-law (BLACULA star William Marshall), a priest and archaeologist. She starts spouting obscenities in a strange echo voice, vomits and seduces men in bars. Marshall and cop Austin Stoker (ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13) help Abby’s husband track her down and exorcise the demon. With Girdler regular Charles Kissinger. As well as being notable for having a lawsuit slapped on it’s original theatrical run for having too many similarities to THE EXORCIST, it’s a surprisingly fun horror movie.

ABDUCTED BY THE DALEKS (2005 UK) D/W/P: “DON SKARO”, “BILLY HARTNELL”, “PATRICK BAKER” (TREVOR BARLEY) Four Euro girls in minidresses (who speak English with peculiar accents) hit something while driving on a remote road one night. They get out to investigate and proceed with some time-wasting lesbian groping, before they are beamed aboard a spaceship that houses three Daleks (yes, the famous DOCTOR WHO villains). One of the girls turns out to have lead them there, and, whipping the others, is set free — only to be abducted by a serial skinner who ties her up and fingers her (semi-hardcore scene). The Dalek connection got this 55 mins nonsense some tabloid press (it got off lightly considering the possible legal ramifications), but it’s even less watchable than Barley’s FANTOM KILER movies (shot on some of the same sets). Unless you like the girls of course, I guess. The stolen soundtrack includes snippets of the ONE STEP BEYOND theme, and Pink Floyd’s Piper At The Gates Of Dawn.

ABDUCTION (1975 US) D: JOSEPH ZITO W/P: KENT E. CARROLL Seemingly inspired by the then recent Patty Hearst case, this flick is officially based on Harrison James’ novel BLACK ABDUCTION, published before Hearst was kidnapped. It was originally conceived as the first porno crossover with name actors, but it didn’t work out that way. Nevertheless, it remains hard-edged and engrossing stuff. Leif Erickson is the corrupt businessman father whose daughter defects with the kidnappers (led by a black man who rapes her). Their goal is to uncover pop’s corrupt business practises. While nothing outwardly graphic is shown, it pushes buttons on touchy subjects like race, sex and parental concerns. The ending (featuring cop James Tolkan) is shocking and memorable. With Lawrence Tierney as the FBI agent on the case and Dorothy Malone as the mother. Other movies modelled on the Patty Hearst case, or with parallels to it, include TANYA (1976), PATTY HEARST (1988), CITIZEN TANIA (1989) and the John Waters spoof CECIL B. DEMENTED. Zito (who’s debut this was) made the interesting BLOODRAGE (1979) next.

ABDUCTION (1998) See: THE COLONY

ABENO KIKYO: YAMI KARA NO SHOU TAI JOU: MYSTERY FILE (2003 JPN) D: HIROYUKI YOKOYAMA W: AKO P: TOSHIHIRO KOJIMA/YUU KAWANO I don’t really have a clue what happened in this very bad and very cheap 50 mins Japanese mystery, despite having it translated for me. Staff working at a beauty salon are being killed off by a hooded figure. The ridiculously ultra-cute idol Yuko Ogura (who can’t act, which makes her even more adorable) stars as a confused young woman with a mysterious five-point birthmark and powers she doesn’t understand. She’s the only reason anyone might want to watch. Naoto Takenaka appears long enough to have his wig knocked off. The whole thing has a tv production look to it.

ABERRATION (1997 NZ) D: TIM BOXELL W: DARRIN OURA/SCOTT LEW P: CHRIS BROWN Pamela Gidley and another guy fight weird killer lizards at a remote snowed-in cabin. Annoying and dull in equal measure.

ABERRATION 2 See: BUG BUSTER

THE ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES (1971 UK) D: ROBERT FUEST W: JAMES WHITON/WILLIAM GOLDSTEIN P: LOUIS M. HEYWARD/RONALD S. DUNAS This camp, tongue-in-cheek art-deco horror flick is highly enjoyable cartoonish hokum. Vincent Price is the vengeful title character, having a reconstructed face and unique voice box, killing off the team of surgeons who failed to save his wife’s (Caroline Munro) life, using methods defined by the Old Testament’s Ten Plagues. With Joseph Cotten, Terry-Thomas, Hugh Griffith, Peter Jeffrey, John Laurie and the voice of Paul Frees. DR. PHIBES RISES AGAIN followed.

THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN OF THE HIMALAYAS (1957 UK) D/W: VAL GUEST W: NIGEL KNEALE P: AUBREY BARING Peter Cushing is a botanist at a Tibetan monastery who joins brash American huckster Forrest Tucker’s expedition to find a Yeti. The creatures are never seen until the end (a good idea, as they resemble Scrooge in close-up), and could they be intelligent telepaths? Ultimately a lesser Hammer production, coming as it did between the QUATERMASS films and THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, but it’s a pretty engaging and somewhat atmospheric late-night b/w watch. With Richard Wattis and Robert Brown, and surprisingly convincing use of sets at Bray and Pinewood (supplemented by occasional stock footage of the French Pyrenees). Shame that the Brit and American characters all communicate with the locals by rudely shouting in English, and bitch about their host country several times. It’s a remake of an earlier (and now missing) BBC teleplay (THE CREATURE) which had been written by Kneale and directed by Rudolph Cartier for the BBC Saturday-Night Theatre strand (as was their controversial NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR) in 1955. It also starred Cushing, while Stanley Baker had the Tucker role. Tucker had a brief run of British sci-fi/horror outings remade from earlier tv productions: the same year saw THE STRANGE WORLD OF PLANET X, and the next saw THE TROLLENBERG TERROR. Guest had directed QUATERMASS 2 the same year. ABOMINABLE is probably the best of the several 50s Yeti speculation movies, the others being THE SNOW CREATURE, MAN BEAST and the Japanese JU JIN YUKI OTOKO.

ABOVE THE LAW (1986) See: RIGHTING WRONGS

ABOVE THE LAW (1988) See: NICO

ABSURD (anthrophagus 2; monster hunter; zombie 6; horrible; rosso sangue) (1981 ITL) D/P: “PETER NEWTON” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) W: “JOHN CART” (LUIGI MONTEFIORE) P: DONATELLO DONATI Montefiore/George Eastman returns as the cannibal beast from ANTHROPOPHAGOUS in this much more entertaining HALLOWEEN rip-off sequel. Edmund Purdom is the priest trying to stop the atrocities befalling a small American town on Super Bowl night. These include a head in a bandsaw and a long, graphic close-up of a head cooking in an oven. Katya Berger plays the blind heroine. With Laura Gemser, Annie Belle and an uncredited Michele Soavi. A “video nasty” in the UK.

THE ABYSS (1989 US) D/W: JAMES CAMERON P: GALE ANN HURD After THE TERMINATOR and ALIENS, two exciting and violent sci-fi action classics, Cameron disappointed with this dull, ponderous underwater sci-fi thriller. Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio headline the oil rig roughneck crew who have to retrieve a sunken American nuclear submarine before the Russians get it. It ends with the discovery of nice friendly aliens. Boring! With Michael Biehn, Leo Burmester, John Bedford Lloyd, J.C. Quinn, Kimberly Scott and Chris Elliott. It cost a record (at the time) $50m and features awesome ILM FX (similar to the ones in Cameron’s later TERMINATOR 2). The ending was cut for theatrical release, but can be seen on the extra long director’s cut (which is in widescreen, despite being shot in an opposing format for the theatre; it has a fuller image on a regular tv screen).

THE ACCIDENTAL SPY (dak miu mai shing; te wu mi cheng) (2001 HK) D: TEDDY CHAN W: IVY HO P: JACKIE CHAN Jackie Chan is a very animated orphan gym equipment salesman who heroically foils bank robbers from getting away with the cash. Eric Tsang recruits him on behalf of a lawyer to take part in a survey that may determine the identity of his real father. It turns out to be a scam to get him to work as a spy in Turkey. The plot (which doesn’t really matter) involves a deadly virus. It starts with lots of prime, playful Chan action and comedy, slows down in the middle and then bounces back with a SPEED rip-off finale involving a gasoline truck. Overall it’s pretty entertaining. With Vivian Hsu, Alfred Cheung, Cheung Tat-Ming and Athena Chu Yun.

ACES GO PLACES (mad mission; chui gaai paak dong; zui jia pai dang) (1982 HK) D: ERIC TSANG W: WELLINGTON FUNG WING P: KARL MAKA/DEAN SHEK Sam Hui is a thief called King Kong who teams up with cop Maka to find diamonds (which some other smugglers are also after) in this fun, nonstop, action-packed comedy. The map with the location of the diamonds is tattooed on the buttocks of various women (an idea stolen from THE STRANGER AND THE GUNFIGHTER). With Shek, Chan Sing, Sylvia Chang, Ho Pak Kwong, Walter Tso Tat-Wah, Hon Gwok Choi, Gam Biu, George Lam, Raymond Wong and Tsui Hark.

ACES GO PLACES 2 (mad mission 2; chui gaai paak hin sang tung; zui jia pai dang da xian shen tung) (1983 HK) D: ERIC TSANG W/P: RAYMOND WONG Hui, Maka and Chang return for this silly sequel loaded with more impressive stunts and chase sequences, and also lots of (immediately dated) hittech hijinks involving a clunky robot. Yasuaki Kurata is the villain who wants Hui to pull-off a caper for him. There’s also a white assassin who acts like Clint Eastwood called Filthy Harry. With Walter Tso Tat-Wah, Hon Gwok Choi, Lee Ka Ting, Billy Lau, Hsiao Ho, Chau Laap Ban and cameos from Tsui Hark (as a crazy man), Charlie Cho Cha Lee and Wong Jing. Another three sequels followed.

ACES: IRON EAGLE 3 (1991 US UK) D: JOHN GLEN W: KEVIN ELDERS P: RON SAMUELS Paul Freeman is a former Nazi war criminal running a cocaine factory in South America. This will not do, so Louis Gossett Jr., a comic relief ghetto kid and some ageing show pilots kick ass. This typically patriotic series entry is the worst yet, with awful comedy and boring action. With Sonny Chiba, Horst Bucholz, Christopher Cazenove, Rachel McLish, Mitchell Ryan, Ray Mancini, Tom Bower, Juan Fernandez, Bob Minor and Branscombe Richmond.

ACID DEATH See: SPILL

THE ACID EATERS (the acid people) (1967 US) D/P: “B. RON ELLIOT” (BYRON MABE) W: TIM KEARNS/“CARLOS MONOSOYA” (CARL MONSON) P: DAVID F. FRIEDMAN At the end of a working week (represented by close-ups of people eating, a toilet flushing and sped-up scenes of various people at work), four couples jump on their motorbikes for a weekend of sex and drugs. This includes body painting and topless swimming. Then things turn mean as a catfight ends with a girl drowning in quicksand (the others watch and laugh). She goes to Hell and later reappears when a comic relief Indian (“me joke, um”) performs a dance. Some passing motorist gets beaten up for his money, too. One of the gang (Buck Kartalain from PLEASE DON’T EAT MY MOTHER) turns up as the Devil (complete with cute red outfit and pitchfork) inside “the white pyramid” (made from LSD). Trip sequences involve sexual encounters (one hints at incest), and there’s lots of silly, surreal touches. One of the girls is Pat Barrington (from ORGY OF THE DEAD). They all go back to work at the end. This must have confused the hell out of adults-only audiences at the time, but there’s plenty of tits so I’m sure no one complained. Producer Friedman (who was the cinematographer) backed Mabe’s SHE FREAK the same year.

THE ACID HOUSE (1998 UK) D: PAUL McGUIGAN W: IRVINE WELSH P: DAVID MUIR/ALEX USBORNE Welsh didn’t like how the screen adaptation of his TRAINSPOTTING (1995) turned out, so he scripted these three shorts (based on stories in his The Acid House anthology) himself. They’re pretty close to the originals, so only Welsh fans will really enjoy. The Granton Star Cause has a lazy young man meeting God in a pub. The vengeful, apathetic God turns him into a fly. A Soft Touch stars Kevin McKidd as a husband with child who’s taken advantage of by his wife and scary new neighbour. The Acid House has Ewan Bremner as a tripping drug addict struck by lightning. It causes his mind to switch with a newly born baby. With Martin Clunes, Stephen McCole, Maurice Roeves and Welsh. All three stories take place in depressing shithole Glasgow housing estates. Many scenes are fashionably driven by cult music (Arab Strap, Belle and Sebastian, Techno Animal…). “Granton” was originally a short screened on C4.

THE ACID PEOPLE See: THE ACID EATERS

ACQUASANTA JOE (holy water joe) (1971 ITL) D/W/P: “ROBERT PAGET” (MARIO GARIAZZO) W: FERDINANDO POGGI Outlaw Joe goes after a gang of bank robbers (with a cannon) who have his cash in this lousy spaghetti western. With Richard Harrison, Alfredo Rizzo and Dante Maggio.

THE ACROBATS OF DEATH (bored hatamoto: acrobats of death; hatamoto taikutsu otoko: nazo no nanban daiko) (1958 JPN) D: YASUSHI SASUKI W: KAWO IKEGAMI The character of Hatamoto Taikutsu Otoko (or Bored Hatamoto) was created in 1929 by Sasaki Mihara for a series of popular novels. Hatamoto seems to be an independently wealthy knight of the realm (in this case, 16th century Tokugawa-era Edo) with nothing better to do than use his considerable intellect and skills with a sword to solve crimes (while wearing a brightly patterned kimono, a right dandy!). He also has a distinguishing scar on his forehead. Famed kabuki-turned-movie leading man Utaemon Ichikawa (who died in 1999) played the character in about 30 movies spanning the end of the silents to 1963 (that would make ACROBATS OF DEATH a late entry). The plot involves a travelling troupe of Chinese acrobats, political assassination and the persecution of Christians. Another interesting bit of historical background is the stuff about Tsynayoshi Tokugawa, the then (1690) ruling shogun of Japan (the 5th ruling Tokugawa), and his ridiculous laws regarding cruelty to animals (particularly dogs). All Chinese characters are played by Japanese, and note the white guy in yellowface makeup! With Kinya Kitaoji (Ichikawa’s real-life son, as Hatamoto’s sidekick and protégé, who later played Hatamoto himself), Yoshiko Sakuma, Mitsuko Miuchi, Akiko Santo, Junji Hikai, Atsushi Watanabe, Ichio Yamagata, Eitaro Shindo, what appears to be a forgotten manzai duo and a hunchback assassin. Forgettable in the long run, but more than passable matinee adventure fare. Quite enjoyable.

ACROPHOBIA See: DON’T LOOK DOWN

ACROSS 110TH STREET (1972 US) D: BARRY SHEAR W: LUTHER DAVIS P: RALPH SERPE/FOUAD SAID A group of small time criminals in Harlem rip-off Italian mobsters. Anthony Franciosca’s a son of the mob family who goes to Harlem to find the culprits. Anthony Quinn (angry, old-fashioned and violent) and Yaphet Kotto (liberal hotshot on his way up) star as the cops on the case. It’s a classic, gritty thriller with plenty of violence (Antonio Fargas is castrated) and location work, typical of the 70s. Based on a novel by Wally Ferris. With Burt Young, Gloria Hendry, George DiCenzo, Evelyn Keyes and Ken Lynch. The excellent soundtrack is by J.J. Johnson and uses songs by Bobby Womack. Regular tv director Shear and Quinn were executive producers.

ACROSS THE RIVER TO MOTOR CITY (november conspiracy) (2007 CAN) D: MICHAEL De CARLO W: ROBERT WERTHEIMER/DENIS McGRATH When bodies that may be in some way related to the JFK conspiracy wash-up from the Detroit-Windsor river, a Canadian insurance claims investigator now in his 60s (David Fox) plays cat’n’mouse games with the investigating Windsor police while at the same time trying to keep a past secret from his estranged daughter and her family. Sasha Roiz plays him in 1960s flashbacks. There’s a lot going on in this sixpart tv miniseries (that runs just short of five hours), major themes being JFK, race politics, the Cuban missile crisis and trade embargo, the border bridge between Detroit and Windsor etc. It doesn’t attempt to resolve everything, instead presenting a rich, detailed (and period detail perfect) backdrop for fine human drama: the largely unfamiliar cast, including Joe Pingue as a way-ahead-of-his-time Lenny Bruce-like stand-up comedian, is excellent. Well worth a look. Creators McGrath and Wertheimer were executive producers.

ACTION FORCE See: THE ANNIHILATORS

ACTION JACKSON (1988 US) D: CRAIG R. BAXLEY W: ROBERT RENEAU P: JOEL SILVER Carl Weathers is Action Jackson, a notorious Detroit cop (with a Harvard law degree) who’s been demoted for ripping off a sexual deviant’s arm (“he had a spare”) who happens to be the son of crooked, murdering industrialist Craig T. Nelson. With Vanity, Sharon Stone, Robert Davi, Nicholas Worth, Bill Duke, Ed O’Ross, Sonny Landham, Thomas G. Wilson, Jack Thibeau, Bob Minor, Branscombe Richmond, James Lew, Miguel A. Nunez Jr. and Francis X. McCarthy. Not great, but entertaining.

ACT OF PIRACY (the barracuda) (1987 S.AFR) D: JOHN “BUD” CARDOS W/P: HAL REED P: IGO KANTNER Ray Sharkey leads a bunch of gun-running terrorists (including Arnold Vosloo) who hijack ’nam vet Gary Busey’s yacht and kidnap his kids. Left for dead, Busey and his ex-wife become international vigilantes intent on getting their children back. Slow, but it’s not a bad action thriller when it does get going. Cardos (who appears) made it after his OUTLAW OF GOR (also a South African production).

THE ACT OF SEEING WITH ONE’S OWN EYES (1971 US) D: STAN BRAKHAGE Brakhage (who died in 2003) is considered one of the earliest and most important avant-garde filmmakers, making close to 400 short films since the early 50s. This half-hour document (without sound) of cadaver autopsies at a coroner’s office is pretty fascinating, a candid glimpse at the intricacies of the human form. Some might find the incessant jump-cuts and jittery hand-held camerawork distracting, but it remains an engrossing work nonetheless.

ACT OF VENGEANCE See: RAPE SQUAD

ACT OF VIOLENCE (1948 US) D: FRED ZINNEMANN W: ROBERT L. RICHARDS/COLLIER YOUNG P: WILLIAM H. WRIGHT More of a heavy drama than a thriller, this film noir is essential viewing. Robert Ryan is menacing as a crippled ex-POW stalking former senior officer Van Heflin who he believes betrayed him and his men in WWII. Robert Surtees’ photography is fantastic. With Janet Leigh, Mary Astor, Taylor Holmes, Harry Antrim, Connie Gilchrist, Will Wright, Rudolph Anders, William Bailey, Maragret Bert, Phil Dunham, Dick Elliott, Don Haggerty, Mahlon Hamilton, Paul Kruger, Nolan Leary, Wilbur Mack, Howard M. Mitchell, Ralph Montgomery, the other Roger Moore, David Newell, George Overy, Garry Owen, Ralph Peters, Wilson Philips, Fred Santley, Frank J, Scannell, Hans Schumm, Phil Tead, Dick Simmons and Harry Tenbrook.

AN ACTOR’S REVENGE (yukinojo henge) (1962 JPN) D: KON ICHIKAWA W: DAISUKE ITO/TEINOSUKE KINUGASA/NATTO WADA P: MASAICHI NAGATA Otokichi Mikami’s serialised tale of a kabuki actor seeking revenge on those who destroyed his family became a 1935 movie starring Kazuo Hasegawa (I haven’t seen that version, nor do I know if it still exists). Hasegawa returned for a dual role in this classic, colour reinterpretation directed by one of Japan’s most talented and respected hit-makers (shot by his regular cinematographer, Setsuo Kobayashi). I’m not going to give away any more of the story, suffice to say you’re missing out if you pass it by. With Fujiko Yamamoto, Ayako Wahao, Eiji Funakoshi (the star of Ichikawa’s FIRES ON THE PLAIN), Eijiro Yanagi, Jun Hamamura, Shintaro Katsu, Saburo Date, Ganjiro Nakamura, Raizo Ichikawa and Yutaka Nakayama.

ADAM AND EVE: THE FIRST TRUE LOVE STORY (blue paradise; adam and eve vs cannibals; adamo ed eva, la prima storia d’amore; adam y eva, la primera historia de amor) (1982 ITL SPN) D/W: “JOHN WILDER” (LUIGI RUSSO) D/W/P: ENZO DORIA W: DOMENICA (MIMO) RAFELLE/EUGENIO BENITO/DONALD FORREST/GISALLA LONGO Adam (Mark Gregory from the THUNDER WARRIOR series) crawls out from the Earth and creates a girl for himself (Eve, naturally) out of a sand sculpture. Romantic power ballads play on the soundtrack as they frolic in paradise and watch other animals frolic, too. But a talking snake persuades Eve to eat the forbidden fruit. She does, Adam does, and they are soon fucking. Then a giant stop-motion boulder chases them! They find themselves in a dark nonparadise with hairy cavemen tribes who don’t speak perfect English like they do. A pterodactyl is killed for loincloths and meat. More nonsense occurs and a baby is born at the end. Pretty silly, despite the out of kilter artistic promise in those early scenes. With Andrea Aurelli.

ADAM AND EVE VS. CANNIBALS See: ADAM AND EVE: THE FIRST TRUE LOVE STORY

THE ADDAMS FAMILY (1991 US) D: BARRY SONNENFELD W: CAROLINE THOMPSON/LARRY WILSON/ PAUL RUDNICK (uncredited) P: SCOTT RUDIN Update of the cult tv series was a hit but can’t really capture the feeling of the original. It’s based on both the original Charles Addams cartoons and scripts not used for the tv series. Anjelica Houston (Morticia), Raul Julia (Gomez), Christopher Lloyd (Fester) and Christina Ricci (Wednesday) are very well cast. With Jimmy Workman (Pugsley), Hand actor Christopher Hart as Thing, John Franklin (Chucky in CHILD’S PLAY) as Cousin Itt, and best of all Carl Struycken (TWIN PEAKS) as Lurch. With Dan Hedaya, Elizabeth Wilson, Tony Azito, Paul Benedict and Sally Jesse Raphael as herself. Sonnenfield used to be a cinematographer (he worked on RAISING ARIZONA) and this started his successful career as a director of many major hits.

ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES (1993 US) D: BARRY SONNENFELD W: PAUL RUDNICK P: SCOTT RUDIN The same cast return in this better sequel that had me laughing a few times. Pugsley and Wednesday go to summer camp and Fester’s the victim of golddigging Joan Cusack. With Carol Kane, Peter MacNicol, Christine Baranski, Sam McMurray and Nathan Lane. Sonnenfeld also makes an appearance. A cheaper sequel (with a different cast) was ADDAMS FAMILY REUNION (1998).

THE ADDICTION (1994 US) D: ABEL FERRARA W: NICHOLAS ST. JOHN P: DENIS HAN/FERNANDO SULICHIN Lili Taylor is a New York philosophy student who’s bitten by vampire Annabella Sciorra in this low-budget, beautifully photographed (by Ken Kelsch) b/w drug addiction/horror movie from Ferrara. Considered too pretentious by many, it equates vampirism with heroin addiction. Taylor injects blood with a syringe. I for one think it’s one of Ferrara’s finest. Disturbing, thought-provoking, intelligent and very modern while attaining a sometimes dreamlike gothic mood (like the excellent party massacre). Christopher Walken is very good in an extended cameo as a long time blood “user”. With Paul Calderon, Edie Falco and Michael Imperioli. Both Walken and Sciorra were in Ferrara’s next, equally underrated THE FUNERAL.

ADIEU, GALAXY EXPRESS 999 (sayonara, ginga tetsudo 999: andromedia shuchakueki) (1981 JPN ANIMATED) D: RINTARO W: HIROYASU YAMAURA P: KIYOSHI ONO This (mostly) original feature takes place after the events of GALAXY EXPRESS 999 (see review), as Tetsuro reboards the intergalactic train for more adventures (some being familiar, seeming recycles of previous events). It’s not bad, but feels like a desperate and unnecessary return to a concept with a rich enough history that doesn’t need this. It wasn’t until 1998 that someone tried again with GALAXY EXPRESS 999: ETERNAL FANTASY. Rintaro’s next feature was HARMAGEDDON.

ADIOS, GRINGO (1965 ITL SPN FRA) D/W: “GEORGE FINLEY” (GIORGIO STEGANI) W: JOSIE LUIS JEREZ/MICHELE VILLEFOT Giuliano Gemma goes against a trio of rapist killers with powerful connections while trying to prove his innocence in this ok but forgettable western. Based on a book by Harry Whittington. With Nello Pazzafini, Ida Galli, Frank Brana, Robert Camardiel, Jesus Puente, Jean Martin and Luis Indum.

ADIOS, SABATA (the bounty hunters; indio black, sai che ti dico) (1970 ITL SPN) D/W: “FRANK KRAMER” (GIANFRANCO PAROLINI) W: RENATO IZZO P: ALBERTO GRIMALDI This undistinguished but entertaining western starring Yul Brynner was retitled to cash in on the original hit SABATA (also by Parolini and Izzo). Brynner is hired to steal gold for the Mexican revolution with sidekick Dean Reed (an American folk singer who defected to the USSR). Of course double-crosses complicate things. One character has a gun in his banjo (an idea copied from SABATA). Fun enough. With Sal Borgese, Andrea Aureli, Franco Fantasia, Gianni Rizzo, Salvatore Billa, Andrea Scotti, Bruno Corazzari, Nieves Navarro and Giovanni Cianfriglia.

ADRENALINE (2006) See: CRANK

THE ADULT VERSION OF JEKYLL AND HYDE (the adventures of dr. jekyll) (1972 US) D: LEE RAYMOND D/P: BYRON MABE W: ROBERT BIRCH P: DAVID FRIEDMAN A doctor kills the owner of a used bookstore just to get his hands on the diary of Dr. Jekyll. He duplicates the potion recipe and transforms into a rapist and killer in a top hat. Then he makes the potion too strong and becomes a sexy blonde. She forces herself on his fine-looking secretary and lover Rene Bond. The women look great and veterans Friedman and Mabe give it a polished look, otherwise this is one of the least interesting nudie takes on a literary standard I’ve watched. Raymond had an acting turn in Mabe’s SHE FREAK.

THE ADVANCED GUARD See: THE COLONY

ADVENTURE DUO See: ADVENTURE KID

ADVENTURE IN KIGAN CASTLE (kigan jo no boken) (1966 JPN) D: SENKICHI TANIGUCHI W: “KAORU MOBUCHI” (TAKESHI SHIMURA) EXEC P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA A Japanese student in Tung Huan, China (star Toshiro Mifune, whose production company made this) is rescued from slavery by a Japanese Buddhist monk (Tadao Nakamura), and accompanies him on a journey along the Silk Road (the locations were actually shot in Isfahan, Iran) to fetch some Buddhist relics to take to Japan in order to build a temple there. In a small town they encounter an oppressive king (Tatsuya Mihashi), and Mifune is sentenced to die for his impudence. Nakamura replaces him at the stake, to be pardoned if Mifune can get the relics to his younger brother (Toshio Kurosawa) and return in the space of three days (this part of the story is based on Osamu Dazai’s famous and quite excellent short story Run, Melos!, a variation of the Roman Damon and Pythias legend). The locations obviously made an impression, as this historical adventure seems to have a very Arabian Nights-flavour (Mifune and Taniguchi had previously collaborated on 1963’s THE LOST WORLD OF SINBAD). The SFX include a tornado, and some nice miniature work. Ichiro Arashima as a kindly wizard (who sleeps underwater) and Hideo Amamoto as his old hag nemesis with control over a “Hell Pond” made of oil provide the fantasy elements. Makoto Soto (of DESPERADO OUTPOST fame) hams it up as the real villain of the piece. Mie Hama, Akiko Wakabayashi (both soon to be eye candy in YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE) and Yumi Shirakawa provide the glamour. With Minoru Takada, Akihiko Hirata, Jun Tazaki, Sachi Sakai, Susumu Kurobe, Ren Yamamoto, Ikio Sawamura, Naoya Kusakawa and a score from Akira Ifukube. It’s the kind of all-star, gimmicky big release of its day that’s forgotten and mostly ho-hum entertainment today. Taniguchi is best known now for providing one of the source movies (KEY OF KEYS) that WHAT’S UP, TIGER LILY? spoofed.

ADVENTURE KID (adventure duo; yoju sensen adventure kid) (1993 JPN ANIMATED) D: YOSHITAKA FUJIMOTO W: ATSUSHI YAMATOYA/AKIO SATSUGAWA P: YASUHITO YAMAKI A high school computer whiz kid accidentally unleashes WWII rapist zombies and sex-crazed demons. The first 45 mins episode of this three part series ends with a long and degrading rape scene. The second part is much more weird. It starts in Hell, goes back and forth through time and features a floating head, monsters, zombie soldiers and the A-bomb destruction of Hiroshima. And, of course, lots of sex. It’s a pretty entertaining continuation. Third episode seems to run out of ideas and is not as much fun as the previous two, but it’s not too bad so you might as well finish it up if you got this far. The English-dubbed foreign release collected the series into two parts. Yamatoya co-scripted Seijun Suzuki’s BRANDED TO KILL years ago. Based on Toshio Maeda’s manga.

THE ADVENTURES OF A BLIND MAN (adventures of zatoichi; zatoichi sekisho yaburi) (1964 JPN) D: KIMIYOSHI YASUDA W: SHOZABURO ASAI This particular entry in the Zatoichi series starring Shintaro Katsu as the wandering blind masseur and master swordsman is a good example of how the expertly crafted series didn’t just dish out the same old story without writing in richly textured subplots that motivate Zatoichi despite all his hardship. This series really should be far more well known in mainstream classic cinema circles. With Mikijiro Hira, Akitake Kono, Nakajiro Tomita and Kichijiro Ueda. THE BLIND SWORDSMAN’S REVENGE followed.

ADVENTURE OF DENCHU KOZO See: THE GREATE ANALOG WORLD

THE ADVENTURES OF A GNOME NAMED GNORM See: UPWORLD

THE ADVENTURES OF ARCHIE See: HOT TIMES

ADVENTURES OF A TAXI DRIVER (1976 UK) D/W/P: STANLEY A. LONG W: SUZANNE MERCER P: PETER LONG Barry Evans is a London cab driver who talks to the camera while picking up women on the job. The first girl he picks up is suicidal (“funny bird”) and another ends up with a snake inside her. The theme tune is Cruising Casanova (it’s terrible). With Judy Geeson (INSEMINOID), Diana Dors as Evans’ mum, Robert Lindsay as his mate who turns out to be a jewel thief, Ingmar Bergman’s daughter Anna as a stripper, Ian Lavender, Henry McGee, director Pete Walker and a cameo from Stephen Lewis (Blakey in ON THE BUSES). It’s not sexy and it’s not funny. For die hard fans of 70s Brit sex comedies only. ADVENTURES OF A PRIVATE EYE (1978) and ADVENTURES OF A PLUMBER’S MATE (1978) followed.

ADVENTURES OF A TEENAGE TRAMP See: TEENAGE TRAMP

THE ADVENTURES OF BARON MUNCHAUSEN (die abenteuer des baron von munchausen) (1988 UK W.GER) D/W: TERRY GILLIAM W: CHARLES McKEOWN P: THOMAS SHUHLY Here’s a typically expensive, epic, money-losing fantasy from Gilliam. This is one of his better films however. John Neville stars as the mythical 18th century adventurer and liar who travels through time with a little girl (Sarah Polley) and an army of characters with superpowers (including Oliver Reed). It’s kind of hard to explain its inventive visuals on paper, but it’s worth seeing (on a big-screen) and is more interesting than BRAZIL (1984) for example. With Eric Idle, Jonathan Pryce, Uma Thurman, Sting, Robin Williams, Valentina Cortese, Bill Paterson, Pete Jeffrey, Alison Steadman, José Lifante and McKewon and Gilliam. Filmed in Italy and Spain, it apparently copies the earlier German BARON MUNCHAUSEN (1943) and Czechoslovakian FABULOUS BARON MUNCHAUSEN (1962) (two films I would love to see). They are all based on a novel by Gottfried August Buerger and Rudolph Erich Raspe.

THE ADVENTURES OF BATMAN AND ROBIN See: BATMAN AND ROBIN (1949)

THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE EIGHTH DIMENSION (1984 US) D/P: W.D. RICHTER W: EARL MACRAUCH P: NEIL CANTON Peter Weller stars as Banzai, a half-Japanese multilingual neurosurgeon, rockstar, nuclear physicist and jet car driver who has to save Earth from villains Vincent Schiavelli, John Lithgow and Christopher Lloyd in this complex, complicated sci-fi action comedy attempt at creating a new comic book-style superhero series. It’s a mess for sure and doesn’t always work, but it’s different and sometimes fun. With Ellen Burstyn, Jeff Goldblum, Matt Clark, Clancy Brown, Robert Ito, Dan Hedaya, Carl Lumbly and the underappreciated Jonathan Banks. Scenes with Jamie Lee Curtis were deleted.

ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MARVEL (1941 US) D: WILLIAM WITNEY/JOHN ENGLISH W: RONALD DAVIDSON/ NORMAN S. HALL/ARCH B. HEATH/JOSEPH POLAND/SOL SHORE The original screen superhero (based on a Fawcett comic book by Bill Parker and C.C. Beck) is a 12-chapter serial (lasting about three and a half hours). An expedition to old Siam unearths a mechanical scorpion capable of making gold. The archaeologists/scientists responsible split up the lenses between them back in the States, but don’t realise that they’ve unleashed a villain in the shape of the hooded Scorpion, desperate for the power to construct a “solar atom smasher”. Only newsboy Billy Batson (Frank Coghlan Jr.) knows, and he’s been given the power to turn into Captain Marvel (Tom Tyler with a cape and thunderbolt design on his chest, or stuntman Dave Sharpe), a superstrong hero who can fly and is impervious to bullets. Rightfully considered one of the better b/w serials, it’s all-action all the way and features many non-cheat cliffhangers. Louise Curry and Billy Benedict are other regulars, and the Scorpion is voiced by Gerard Mohr. Note how realistic the flying scenes in longshot are, even though they utilise just a dummy sliding down a wire! Also of note is how Marvel is often merciless, and just chucks wrongdoers off buildings to their death etc. With Robert Strange, Harry Worth, John Davidson, Bryant Washburn, George Lynn, Reed Hadley, Jack Mulhall, Kenne Duncan, Carleton Young, Leyland Hodgson, Nigel De Brulier, Stanley Price, Lynton Brent, Ed Cassidy, Tetsu Konami, Wilson Benge, Steve Clemente, Victor Cox, Eddie Dew, Curley Dresden, Bud Geary, Augie Gomez, Sam Harris, Jerry Jerome, Frank Marlowe, Ted Mapes, Chuck Morrison, Francis Sayles, Al Taylor, Ken Terrell and Henry Wills. Some chapter titles are The Guillotine, Lens of Death, Dead Man’s Trap and Doom Ship. It was rereleased in both 1953 and 1966, and a condensed version was THE RETURN OF CAPTAIN MARVEL.

THE ADVENTURES OF DR. JEKYLL See: THE ADULT VERSION OF JEKYLL AND HYDE

THE ADVENTURES OF HERCULES (1983) See: HERCULES (1983)

THE ADVENTURES OF HERCULES (1983/II) See: HERCULES 2

THE ADVENTURES OF LUCKY PIERRE (1961 US) D/W: “LEWIS H. GORDON” (HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS) W/P: “DAVIS FREEMAN” (DAVID F. FRIEDMAN) After making THE PRIME TIME (1959) and LIVING VENUS (1961), Lewis and Friedman struck gold with this less than one hour 35mm. colour imitation of Russ Meyer’s THE IMMORAL MR TEAS. An introduction is cut short when the announcer is dragged away, unable to control his laughter when claiming that this film cost “$20m” and has “a cast of thousands”. This is then followed by a skit in a psychiatrist’s office. Beret-wearing, cigarchomping burlesque comedian Billy Falbo stars in five segments with no dialogue, just comical music (by Lewis) and loud audio FX. The first (Pardon My Pigments) has him painting nudes in the woods. In The Plumber’s Apprentice he comes to fix William Kerwin’s shower, but his girlfriend is taking a bath. For The Birds has Falbo’s bird watching interrupted by girls stripping and sunbathing. In The Photographer’s Apprentice he tries to shoot nudes in a studio, but they keep disappearing. Drive-In Me Crazy takes place at a drive-in cinema showing “I Was A Teenage Nudist, plus 10 Days In A Nudist Camp. Girls Girls Girls. Extra 65 cartoons”. What we actually see (after Falbo is sold lots of popcorn by the sexy, topless all-girl staff) is a (mostly b/w) short called Picnic At The Playground. Nudes on a climbing frame and going down a slide are my favourite parts. Falbo’s facial expressions are hilarious. Thanks to him (and some good-looking skin on display), this is a lot of fun to watch. It was a hit of course, so Lewis (also the cinematographer) and Friedman (sound) followed up with more “nudie cuties” like DAUGHTER OF THE SUN, NATURE’S PLAYMATES, GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BARES, BOIN-N-G! and BELL, BARE AND BEAUTIFUL before creating the “roughie” (SCUM OF THE EARTH) and of course, gore (BLOOD FEAST).

THE ADVENTURES OF PINNOCHIO (pinnochio; carlo collodi’s pinnochio; die legende von pinocchio) (1996 UK FRA GER US CZE) D/W: STEVE BARRON W: SHERRY MILLS/TOM BENEDEK/BARRY BERMAN P: HEINZ BIBO/RAJU PATEL Martin Landau creates the magical wooden boy in this liveaction version that’s pretty much for kids only. Udo Kier is the villain. With Genevieve Bujold, Bebe Neuwrith, Jonathan Taylor-Thomas, Rob Schneider, Dawn French, Giff Rhys-Jones, John Sessions, Jean-Claude Dreyfus, Teco Celio, the voices of Jerry Hadley and Brian May and some pretty good FX.

THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH (pluto nash) (2002 US) D: RON UNDERWOOD W: NEIL CUTHBERT P: MARTIN BREGMAN/MICHAEL SCOTT BREGMAN/ LOUIS A. STROLLER Pluto Nash (Eddie Murphy) is a successful nightclub owner on the moon trying not to get muscled out of his business by a legendary yet mysterious, unseen tycoon. Randy Quaid is his loyal yet cranky robot servant and Rosario Dawson Jr. is the love interest nightclub singer on the run with them. A good example of a generic story with sci-fi trappings as opposed to proper sci-fi. It’s not funny either, and wastes a good cast: Joe Pantoliano, Luis Guzman, Peter Boyle, Lilla Brancato, Burt Young, Pam Grier, John Cleese, Jay Mohr, Vic Varnado, James Rebhorn, Miguel A. Nunez Jr., Illeana Douglas, Roc La Fortune, Alec Baldwin, Russell Yuen, Don Jordan, Serge Houde and Mark Camacho.

THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE (die abenteur von rocky und bullwinkle) (1999 US GER) D: DES McANUFF W: KENNETH LONERGAN P: ROBERT De NIRO/JANE ROSENTHAL Animated 60s tv series characters Rocky and Bullwinkle (created by Jay Ward) are rescued from eternal reruns and brought into the real world to help an FBI agent (Piper Perabo) stop the evil fearless leader (producer DeNiro) and his cronies (Rene Russo and Jason Alexander) from turning Americans into mindless zombies with RBTV (Really Bad Television). This failedhit part-animated comedy adventure road movie has some funny moments and the mix of animation and live-action is done well, but goes over-the-top with the self-referential postmodernism and lacks any real quality thrills or comedy. With Randy Quaid, Carl Reiner, Janeanne Garofalo, Jonathan Winters, John Goodman, Kel Mitchell, James Rebhorn, David Alan Grier, Jon Polito, Don Novello, Dian Bachar, Drena DeNiro (Robert’s adopted daughter), Jeffrey Ross, Doug Jones, Michael Beardsley, Paget Brewster, Alexis Thorpe, Wallace Shawn, Whoopi Goldberg, Max Grodenchik, Billy Crystal and Taraji P. Henson.

ADVENTURES OF ROD BOY See: THE GREATE ANALOG WORLD

THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES (sherlock holmes) (1939 US) D: ALFRED L. WERKER W: EDWIN BLUM/WILLIAM A. DRAKE Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce return as Holmes and Watson in this fine follow up to THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES that kick-started the consistent high quality series. George Zucco is the diabolical Moriarty who this time is out to confuse the “fickle” Holmes with another, more tantalising mystery while he makes off with the Crown Jewels. It’s based on a play by William Gillette, which was based on the writings of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, of course. With Ida Lupino at her loveliest, Henry Stephenson, E.E. Clive, Arthur Hohl, Mary Gordon, Holmes Herbert, Mary Forbes, George Regas, William Austin, Leyland Hodgson, Frank Baker, Hillary Brooke, Harry Cording, Herbert Evans, Gordon Hart, Brandon Hurst, Boyd Irwin, Charles Irwin, Leonard Mudie, C. Montague Shaw, Ivan F. Simpson, Bob Stevenson and Eric Wilton. In b/w. By the time of the next entry WWII was in full-swing, so Moriarty was replaced by more timely Nazi villains in SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE VOICE OF TERROR.

THE ADVENTURES OF STELLA STAR See: STARCRASH

THE ADVENTURES OF TAURA See: STAR SLAMMER

ADVENTURES OF THE ELECTRIC ROD BOY See: THE GREATE ANALOG WORLD

ADVENTURES OF THE TEXAS KID: BORDER AMBUSH (1954 US) D: ROBERT TANSEY W: ROBERT EMMETT P: JOHN JAY FRANKLIN I found this short (50 mins), cheap-looking colour western on a website with streaming video-on-demand and haven’t been able to find any other info on it. Not that it’s worth it, being as it is a boring, forgettable story of the Texas Kid and his comic relief Mexican sidekick sorting out a feud over land with oil. It seems to me like an unsold tv pilot for a possible series, but I could be wrong.

ADVENTURES OF ZATOICHI See: THE ADVENTURES OF A BLIND MAN

ADVENTURE UNLIMITED See: WHITE PONGO

AENIGMA (enigma) (1986 ITL YUG) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: GIORGIO MARIUZZO P: ETTORE SPAGNOLO Nastassja Kinski’s cousin Lara Nazzinski stars as a girl in a coma whose mind is controlled by an evil spirit to channel energy that invokes death at an all-girls college in Boston. One of Fulci’s lesser films, it’s still better than PATRICK and out-weirds PHENOMENA by having a girl smothered by snails (!). Suzy Kendall has her last role. With Sabrina Siani and the usual Fulci cameo. Mariuzzo wrote THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY, THE BEYOND and THE NAPLES CONNECTION for Fulci.

AFFLICTION (1997 US) D/W: PAUL SCHRADER P: LINDA REISMAN Low-key but effective mood piece from Schrader chronicles the hopeless, crumbling life of small-town “cop” Nick Nolte. The barren, snowy landscape throughout mirrors Nolte’s detachment from love and responsibility, a mindset forced upon him at an early age thanks to abusive, alcoholic father James Coburn (an excellent performance). Not for everyone, and not the typical exploitation entry found within these pages, but worthwhile. The soundtrack is subtly used to full effect. Based on a novel by Russell Banks, and lensed in Quebec. With Willem Dafoe (who also narrates), Sissy Spacek, Mary Beth Hurt, Sean McCann, Euegene Lipinski, Wayne Robson, Tim Post, Janine Theriault, Sheena Larkin, Charles Powell, Mariel Jeannin, Steve Adams and Mark Camacho.

AFRICA ADDIO (farewell africa; africa blood and guts) (1966 ITL) D/W: GUALTIERO JACOPETTI/FRANCO E. PROPSERI P: ANGELO RIZZOLI The documentary filmmakers behind MONDO CANE were in Africa filming in 1963, when they became aware of the social and political upheaval throughout the country, a result of the sudden colonial withdrawal that left the country newly independent for the first time since God knows when. Despite this freedom being primarily a positive thing, their overwhelming autonomy was too much for the inhabitants in one go. Jacopetti more eloquently described the complexities while interviewed for THE GODFATHERS OF MONDO (2003) doc, but here the narration is condescending and about as subtle as a sledgehammer. Inbetween genuine footage of riots, demonstrations, mass-killings and general confusion and terror, you will find pure prefabricated shocks and contrived sequences (some less obvious than others), as well as CANE-like wildlife footage and “goofy” humorous anecdotes. You always expect a heady mixed bag from Jacopetti and Co, but at 138 mins (that’s the recently remastered full-length Italian-language version with subtitles), this commits the cardinal sin of being downright boring for much of its running time. In 1970, Jerry Gross cut it down to 83 mins (retaining the gorier footage), added English narration (that differed from the original), changed the title to AFRICA BLOOD AND GUTS and had himself an American grindhouse hit.

AFRICA BLOOD AND GUTS See: AFRICA ADDIO

AFRICA SCREAMS (1949 US) D: CHARLES BARTON W: EARL BALDWIN P: EDWARD NASSOUR At the beginning of this b/w comedy that spoofs AFRICA SPEAKS!, STANLEY AND LIVINGSTONE (1939) and other jungle pictures, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello work in the jungle book department of a big store! They’re both soon in the Congo surrounded by racist gags. Despite that, this A&C vehicle is actually pretty funny, with cameos from Stooges Shemp Howard and Joe Besser (with hair), Frank Buck, Clyde Beatty, Bill Walker, Max and Buddy Baer and Hillary Brooke. Charles Gemora in a giant gorilla suit scares the natives white.

AFRICA SPEAKS! (1930 US) D/P: WALTER FUTTER Explorer Paul Hoefler is seen crossing Africa in this hit pre-mondo documentary from Mascot. The great wildlife footage includes a vast swarm of locusts. “Duckbilled” women of the Ubangi have plates stretching their lips. A tribe of Pygmies are “darn clever”. Less clever is a native made to look foolish by eating a mouthful of salt in one of several staged scenes (occasionally Hoefler and companion can be seen superimposed in front of other footage). Another staged scene has a guide “boy” attacked by a lion (Hoefler doesn’t seem concerned). 58 b/w mins narrated (comically) by Lowell Thomas. Futter followed with the less well-known INDIA SPEAKS in 1933. Footage from AFRICA was reused ad nauseum in the BOMBA series of jungle adventures from Monogram, starting in 1949.

AFTER ALICE See: EYE OF THE KILLER

AFTER DARK, MY SWEET (1990 US) D/W: JAMES FOLEY W/P: ROBERT REDLIN P: RIC KIDNEY 1990 was a good year for neo-noir Jim Thompson adaptions. There was the big-budget THE GRIFTERS, the low-budget THE KILL-OFF and this mid-budget, ignored but equally as good entry. Jason Patric is a deceptive ex-boxer on the run from a mental hospital, He gets involved with femme fatale Rachel Ward in a small desert town. With Bruce Dern in one of his finest roles. A fine hard-boiled thriller with a good finale.

AFTER DEATH (zombie 4; zombie flesh eaters 3; oltra la morte) (1988 ITL PHIL) D: “CLYDE ANDERSON” (CLAUDIO FRAGASSO) W: TOSSELLA DRUDI P: FRANCO GAUDENZI This follow up to Bruno Mattei’s ZOMBIE 3 begins promisingly with goofy voodoo zombies peeling someone’s face off, but soon settles down into the usual boring crap you’d expect from Fragasso: Some characters (including gay porn icon Jeff Stryker aka Chuck Peyton) on an island battle the living dead, who’ve emerged from the third door of Hell (or something). Al Festa (FATAL FRAMES) provides the music. With Massimo Vanni and Jim Gaines. According to his interview for the essential Rialto Report podcast, apparently Stryker (also in the Italian DIRTY LOVE the same year) got the gig through superfan Werner Pochath!

AFTER HOURS (1985 US) D: MARTIN SCORSESE W: JOSEPH MINION P: AMY ROBINSON/GRIFFIN DUNNE/ROBERT F. COLESBURRY Dunne stars as an unlucky guy who has a lot of bizarre, unfortunate things happen to him one after the other one night when he’s trapped in Soho with no money to get home. This urban nightmare comedy won the Palmes D’Or at Cannes in 1986, and people seem to either love it or hate it. It’s pretty good, but don’t expect prime Scorsese. With Rosanna Arquette, Linda Fiorentino, Teri Garr, Catherine O’Hara, John Heard, Cheech and Chong, Dick Miller, Will Patton, Bronson Pinchot, Rockets Redglare, Vic Argo, Henry Baker and Scorsese.

AFTERMATH (1993 SPN) D/W: NACHO CERDA After his debut short THE AWAKENING (1990), Cerda made this shocking 30 mins short about a coroner who fucks a corpse in the morgue. There’s nothing else to it, just an up-close and graphic recording of a necrophile. Very well made, but ultimately a little pointless.

AFTER MIDNIGHT (1989 US) D/W/P: JIM AND KEN WHEAT P: RICHARD ARLOOK/PETER GREEN Watchable but forgettable horror anthology has a psychology teacher trying to spook his class with tepid tales of terror. There is one good decapitation scene. With Louis Contreas, Jillian McWhirter, Marg Helgenberger, Marc McLure, Richard Gabai, Patricia Tallman, Alan Rosenberg and Pamela Segall. The Wheats previously made an EWOKS movie.

AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK (2019: after the fall of new york; cyborg hunter: new york 2019; 2019: dopo la caduta di new york; 2019: apres la chute de new york) (1984 ITL FRA) D/W: “MARTIN DOLMAN” (SERGIO MARTINO) W: “JULIAN BERRY” (ERNESTO GASTALDI)/GABRIEL ROSSINI P: LUCIANO MARTINO This copies 1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS and ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX, a couple of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK rip-offs. Michael Sopkiw (the star of BLASTFIGHTER) takes part in MAD MAX-inspired custom car duels in the Nevada desert, twenty years after someone dropped the bomb. He’s hired to rescue the only fertile woman on Earth from a heavily guarded Manhattan, full of dangerous street gangs and a masked military force on horseback that exterminates the contaminated locals with flamethrowers and experiment on the healthy ones. Big Ape (George Eastman aka Luigi Montefiore) leads a gang of mutants. Edmund Purdom is the President. With Romano Puppo, Al Yamanouchi, Giovanni Cianfraglia, Luciano Pigozzi, rats, burst heads and music by the Oliver Onions. Having NYC as a sprawling urban jungle filled with post-nuke crazies is a great concept, but still no one has really done that concept justice.

AFTER THE HOLE See: THE HOLE

AGAINST ALL ODDS (1968) See: THE BLOOD OF FU MANCHU

AGAINST ALL ODDS (1984 US) D/P: TAYLOR HACKFORD W: ERIC HUGHES P: WILLIAM S. GILMORE Unnecessary and overlong remake of the film noir BUILD MY GALLOWS HIGH stars Rachel Ward and Jeff Bridges. The supporting cast that could have been put to use in something more interesting includes James Woods, Richard Widmark, Dorian Harewood, Bill McKinney, Swoosie Kurtz, Saul Rubinek and Kid Creole.

AGENT FOR H.A.R.M. (1966 US) D: GERD OSWALD W: BLAIR ROBERTSON P: JOSEPH F. ROBERTSON Peter Mark Richman is crappy James Bond clone Adam Chance in a crappy, talk-filled spy movie written by the guy who wrote THE SLIME PEOPLE. Martin Koslek is the villain who forces a scientist to experiment with alien spores that turn flesh to fungus. With Wendell Corey, Barabara Bouchet, Alizia Gur, Robert Quarry, Donna Michelle and Carl Esmond.

THE AGE OF ASSASSINS (satsujin kyo jidai) (1966 JPN) D/W: KIHACHI OKAMOTO W: EI OGAWA/TADASHI YAMAZAKI P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA/KENCHIRO TSUNODA Nazi sympathizer and head of the Population Control Council, Eisei Amamoto sends out assassins to bump off “useless” citizens. But a nebbish, shortsighted psychologist (Tatsuya Nakadai at his coolest) not only survives, but accidentally kills his attacker. Or so it seems. A female reporter (Reiko Dan) and a young punk (Hideo Sunazuka) end up involved and helping Nakadai to uncover the organisation and find out why he’s on their hit-list. A ridiculous, darkly comic counterculture parody with a contrived, complicated yet superfluous plot, very much in the spirit of THE PRESIDENT’S ANALYST or the overrated BRANDED TO KILL (and predating both). I think it works much better than KILL!, Okamoto and Nakadai’s later collaboration with a similar smart-arse take on period actioners. Definitely worth a look, if just for the loonybin finale. Based on a novel by Michiko Tsuzuki (as was the same year’s BLACK TIGHT KILLERS). With Yasuzo Ogawa, Tatsuyoshi Ehara, Wataru Omae, Ikio Sawamura, Naoya Kusakawa, Yutaka Nakayama, Ren Yamamoto, Yaeko Izumo and animated opening credits. In beautiful b/w (shot by Rokuro Nishigaki).

AGITATOR (araburu tamashii-tachi) (2001 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: SHIGENORI TAKECHI P: FUJIO MATSUSHIMA/SEICHIRO ISHII Very long (150 mins), somewhat rambling but rewarding gangster flick chronicles a gang war instigated by young punks fed-up of the reasonable, business-like submissiveness of their gang elders when it comes to a hostile takeover. Less outrageous than fans of Miike’s better known work may expect (although a raped woman does have a microphone shoved up her arsehole near the beginning), it’s an assured, edgy piece with a great cast. Masaya Kato, Ryosuke Miki, Naoto Takenaka, Kennichi Endo, Masatoh Eve, Mickey Curtis, Renji Ishibashi, Akiko Kana, Hitoshi Ozawa, Hakuryu and Hiroki Matsukata (from Kinji Fukasakau classics like HOURIKU PROXY WAR). Takechi went on to write several more films for the director.

AGUIRRE, WRATH OF GOD (aguirre, der zorn gottes) (1972 W.GER PERU MEX) D/W/P: WERNER HERZOG In 1560, Spanish Conquistadors travel into the Amazon jungle to find the fabled city of gold, El Dorado. Based on the diary of the monk Gaspar De Carvajal (a fictional tome made up for the purposes of this movie), this fascinating, impressive docudrama shows how the power hungry Aguirre (Klaus Kinski) incites a revolt against his superiors and is driven mad with greed (and a God complex). Indian slaves are abused and mistreated in the name of Christianity. Music by Popol Vuh. See also Herzog’s FITZCARRALDO.

A-HAUNTING WE WILL GO (1942 US) D: ALFRED L. WERKER W: LOU BRESLOW P: SOL M. WURTZEL Above average 1940s Laurel and Hardy vehicle features ghost, gangsters and magic. Just over an hour, I had a good time with it (and what a cast). Elisha Cook Jr., Edgar Dearing, Tom Dugan, Sheila Ryan, Don Costello, busy Edward Gargan, Addison Richards, George Lynn, James Bush, Lou Lubin, Robert Emmett Keane, Frank Faylen, Terry Moore, Mantan Moreland, Walter Sande, Eddy Walker, Richard Lane, Willie Best, Harry Carter and Wade Boteler (in over 300 films!).

AI (ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE) (2001 US) D/W/P: STEVEN SPIELBERG W: IAN WATSON P: KATHLEEN KENNEDY/BONNIE CURTIS In a future where the ice caps have melted and pregnancies must be licenced, scientist William Hurt designs a little boy robot (Haley Joel Osment) with the capacity to love. Fraces O’Connor is his adopted human mother who can’t love him back like a real boy. Osment (and gigolo robot companion Jude Law) embark on a futuristic Pinocchioesque fairy tale to try to turn him into a real human being. Sounds like the usual DreamWorks saccharine overload, but this very good (and very expensive) family sci-fi (which may actually be too depressing for younger kids) was a return to form for Spielberg (who followed it up with MINORITY REPORT). Originally developed by Stanley Kubrick (to whom the film the film is dedicated), it’s based on Brian Aldiss’ story Supertoys Last All Summer Long. With Brendan Gleeson (as a carnival critic trying to incite a human v. robot civil war), Jake Thomas, Ken Leung, Daveigh Chase, Kathryn Morris, Ashley Scott, Matt Malloy, Adrian Grenier, Enrico Colantoni, Katie Lohmann, Ministry, the voices of Ben Kingsley, Meryl Streep, Chris Rock and Robin Williams, Stan Winston robotics and some amazing ILM FX.

AIRBENDER See: THE LAST AIRBENDER

AIRBOSS (silver hawks) (1997 US) D/W/P: J. CHRISTIAN INGVORDSEN W/P: MATTHEW M. HOWE Some evil Soviets are out to destroy Israeli oil fields so they can raise the price of their own black gold. Frank Zagarino is a disgraced pilot who must steal a top secret prototype jet fighter that can avoid radar from them. Insufferable crap. Ingvordsen has a part as usual.

AIR BOSS 2: PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE (silver hawks 2) (1997 US) D/W/P: J. CHRISTIAN INGVORDSEN W/P: MATTHEW HOWE True to form, here’s more unwatchable action junk from Ingvordsen, who seems to create product just for the hell of it. Frank Zagarino is in this one as an air force/NASA flight commander who finds out about a conspiracy involving a potent strain of Ebola. With Scooter McRae, Debbie Rochon and, of course, Ingvordsen. Avoid like dog shit. Another two sequels followed.

AIR FORCE ONE (1997 US GER) D/P: WOLFGANG PETERSEN W: ANDREW V. MARLOWE P: GAIL KATZ/ ARMYAN BERNSTEIN/JON SHESTACK Terrorists led by Gary Oldman sneak aboard Air Force One posing as a television crew. They demand the release of Jürgen Prochnow from prison. Harrison Ford is the implausible, squeaky clean boyscout President who pulls a DIE HARD on the hijackers after they think he ejected to safety. If you don’t expect anything more than a simple black’n’white worldview action thriller then this is pretty exciting and delivers the goods. With Glenn Close, Paul Guilfoyle, Wendy Crewson, Xander Berkeley, William H. Macy, Dean Stockwell, Andrew Divoff, Iliah Volokh, Bill Smitrovich, Philip Baker Hall, Glenn Morshower, Don McManus and Robert Peters.

AIRHEADS (hard rock hijack) (1994 US) D: MICHAEL LEHMANN W: RICK WILKES P: ROBERT SIMMONDS/ MARK BURG Struggling heavy metal band The Lone Rangers (Brendan Fraser, Steve Buscemi and Adam Sandler) take hostages at a radio station so they can play their demo. It’s all broadcast live on-air and becomes a media event. Joe Mantegna is DJ Ian the Shark. This feel-good comedy from the director of HEATHERS and MEET THE APPLEGATES is not bad. I liked the line “I’m gonna stab your heads off” best. With Michael McKean, Ernie Hudson, Chris Farley, Amy Locane, Michael Richards, Judd Nelson, Nina Siemaszko, Harold Ramis, Kurt Loder, David Arquette, Allen Covert, Rob Zombie, Lemmy, Gena Lee Nolin, “Stuttering” John Melendez, Wilkes and the voice of Mike Judge. The ending is the same as THE BLUES BROTHERS.

AIRPLANE! (flying high) (1980 US) D/W: DAVID and JERRY ZUCKER/JIM ABRAHAMS P: JOHN DAVIDSON/ HOWARD W. KOCH Breakthrough comedy for the ZAZ creative team is a sometimes very funny spoof of airline disaster movies (specifically 1957’s ZERO HOUR!). If you haven’t seen it, then it’s worth a look. If you have, you’re probably sick of hearing about it. Robert Hays stars, with Peter Graves, Lloyd Bridges, Robert Stack, Julie Hagerty, Leslie Nielsen (“don’t call me Shirley”), Kennth Tobey, Kareen Abdul-Jabbar (from GAME OF DEATH), Ethel Merman, Maureen McGovern, Jonathan Banks, James Hong, Nicolas Pryor, Jimmie Walker, Jason Wingreen, Kitten Natividad and ZAZ.

AIRPLANE 2: THE SEQUEL (flying high 2) (1982 US) D/W: KEN FINKLEMAN P: HOWARD W. KOCH Hayes, Hagerty, Bridges and Graves return in this sequel from different people. It’s not as good, but better than most people will have you believe. This time it’s about a passenger space shuttle’s maiden voyage to the Moon. A HAL-style computer malfunctions and the shuttle heads towards the sun. Some of the gags are awful, but I laughed enough to make it worthwhile. John Vernon (“I’m sorry, I don’t do impressions”) is head of the Ronald Reagan Hospital for the Mentally Ill. With William Shatner, Sonny Bono, Raymond Burr, Chuck Connors, Rip Torn, Lauerene Landon, Jack Jones, Richard Jaeckel, Sandahl Bergman, Verve Villechaize, Kitten Natividad, Monique Gabrielle, George Wendt, John Dehner, Leon Askin, David Paymer and Earl Boen.

AIRPORT (1970 US) D/W; GEORGE SEATON D: HENRY HATHAWAY (uncredited) P: ROSS HUNTER THE disaster movie prototype of the 70s has Van Heflin as the mad bomber aboard a commercial flight full of guest stars with their own melodramatic emotional baggage. Burt Lancaster and Dean Martin head the cast, with Jean Seberg, Dana Wynter, George Kennedy (Mr. Disaster Movie), Jacqueline Bisset, Whit Bissell, Helen Hayes, Barry Nelson, Virginia Grey, Lloyd Nolan, Barbara Hale, Maureen Stapleton, Gary Collins, Jessie Royce Landis, Larry Gates, Paul Picerni, Dick Winslow, Guy Stockwell, Ceila Lousky, Thomas Brown Henry, Joe Gray, Harry Harvey, Marion Ross and Benny Rubin. It doesn’t matter whether this much imitated hit adaption of Arthur Hailey’s novel is good or not, you know you love it!

AIRPORT ’75 (1974 US) D: JACK SMIGHT W: DON INGALLS P: WILLIAM FRYE In this even more ridiculous sequel, a small jet smashes into a passenger 747 killing the pilot and leaving a big hole in the cockpit. Charlton Heston attempts to transfer in from a helicopter while stewardess Karen Black tries to fly the thing. George Kennedy returns and Helen Ruddy is a singing nun looking after sickly Linda Blair. With Dana Andrews, Sid Caesar, Efgrem Zimbalist Jr., Roy Thinnes, Bob Hastings, Gloria Swanson, Myrna Loy, Conrad Janis, Ed Nelson, Susan Clark, Larry Storch, Erik Estrada, Jerry Stiller, Guy Stockwell, Beverly Garland, Martha Scott, Linda Harrison, Norman Fell, Irene Tsu, Alan Fudge, Kip Niven, Virginia Gregg, Gene Washington and Sharon Gless.

AIRPORT ’77 (1977 US) D: JERRY JAMESON W: MICHAEL SCHEFF/DAVID SPECTOR/H.A.L. CRAIG/ CHARLES KUENSTLE P: WILLIAM FRYE Here’s some good advice: If you see George Kennedy about to board a plane, don’t get on, for God’s sake! This time it crashes in the ocean. There’s even some nonsense about the Bermuda triangle! With Jack Lemmon, Lee Grant, Brenda Vaccaro, Christopher Lee, Darren McGavin, Michael Pataki, Olivia deHavilland, Joseph Cotten, Monte Markham, Robert Foxworth, Robert Hooks, Gil Gerard, Kathleen Quinlan, Maidie Norman, M. Emmet Walsh, Pamela Bellwood, George Furth, Tom Rosqui and Dar Robinson.

AIRPORT ’79: THE CONCORDE (s.o.s. concorde) (1979 US) D: DAVID LOWELL RICH W/P: JENNINGS LANG W: ERIC ROTH Last in the series. You know what to expect by now. The cast includes Alan Deloin, Susan Blakely, Robert Wagner, Sylvia Kristel, Eddie Albert, Charo, Bibi Anderson, John Davidson, Andrea Marcovica, Martha Raye, Jimmie Walker, David Warner, Mercedes McCambridge, Sybill Danning, George Kennedy, Cicely Tyson, Avery Schreiber, Ed Begley Jr. and porn star Robert Kerman (who was also in the Ruggero Deodato rip-off THE CONCORDE AFFAIR the same year). The plot involves a conspiracy surrounding nuclear missiles.

AIRPORT ’99 See: AIRSPEED (1997)

AIRPORT S.O.S. HIJACK See: THIS IS A HIJACK

AIRSPEED (airport ‘99) (1997 CAN) D: ROBERT TINNELL W/P: RICHARD GOUDREAU P: ROC LA FORTUNE Joe Mantegna’s 13-year-old girl (Elisha Cuthbert) has to land a jet hit by lightning in this dull disaster movie. With Russell Yuen, Gordon Masten, Don Jordan, Charles Powell, Larry Day, La Fortune and Jason Cavalier. Based on Andrew Sands’ novel.

AIRSPEED (1998) See: FREE FALL

AIRWOLF (1984 US) D/W: DON BELLISARIO P: ALAN J. LEVI This is the pilot for a dumb but popular tv series that starred burnt-out coke-addled alcoholic Jan-Michael Vincent as a ’nam vet crime-fighter in the world’s most sophisticated battle helicopter (hidden in a volcano). With Ernest Borgnine, Alex Cord and David Hemmings. I guess it was inspired by the hit BLUE THUNDER. Not to be confused with the series AIRHAWK, about a plane.

A IS FOR ACID (2002 UK) D: HARRY BRADBEER W: GLENN CHANDLER P: ALAN DOSSOR Martin Clunes is really quite excellent as John George Haigh, the notorious “acid bath murderer”, a post-WWII serial killer in London who dissolved those he offed (for money) in barrels full of sulphuric acid, pouring the resulting gloop down the drain! TAGGART creator Chandler’s fine script is done justice by Bradbeer, who uses the tv movie look to good effect, capturing the musty, dusty world in which this ghoulishness took place. Fine period detail too, one minor anachronism being NOSFERATU at the theatre (it was not reissued in the 40s as far as I know). With Keeley Hawes, Richard Hope and Celia Imrie. It was the middle entry in a true-crime trilogy penned by Chandler, following THE LIFE AND CRIMES OF WILLIAM PALMER (1998), and followed by THE BRIDES IN THE BATH (2003).

AKIRA (1989 ANIMATED JPN) D/W/P: KATSUHIRO OTOMO W: IZO HASHIMOTO P: HARUYO KANESABU/ SHUNZO KATO/YUTAKA MASEBA/RYOHEI SUZUKI/ HIROE TSUKAMOTO By far the most famous and internationally popular Japanese animated feature (before POCKET MONSTERS came along). Based on Otomo’s manga, this futuristic epic (with superior animation) may confuse viewers unfamiliar with the graphic novel, but repeated viewings are recommended for maximum enjoyment. Takes place in a post-nuke Neo-Tokyo where biker gangs run wild. There’s an intricate plot that I’m not going to begin to try to explain here, just see it at all costs. Hashimoto is also responsible for the live action weirdness that is LUCKY SKY DIAMOND. Otomo didn’t make an entire animated feature again until STEAMBOY (2004).

AKUMA NO RIRON (2001 JPN) D: SO SHIMIZU W: MASAKABU SAITO P: SEIJI MIAKE/MASARU MIYAZAKI This 20 mins or so short is one of two that accompany THE HANGING BALLOON (see review) on videotape. Like that, it is based on the writings of cult manga author Junji Itto (it also has the same producers). It’s a forgettable yet curious tale of teen suicide and a reinterpretation of the Faust legend. With Misato Tachibana from HANGING in a small role. The title would translate as “Devil’s Theory”. The other short on the tape is YANUERA NO NAGAI KAMI.

ALABAMA’S GHOST (1972 US) D/W: FREDRIC HOBBS After co-directing the still elusive TROIKA (1969), and then making the great ROSELAND, Hobbs made this one. It begins with a long, fascinating and utterly confusing news report about Hitler’s scientist Dr. Caligula and her interview with magician Carter the Great about a substance like “a strong hashish” called Raw Zeta that can be manipulated electronically to become Deadly Zeta (or something like that). The Turk Murphy Jazz band plays on stage (“who’s the ghost-est with the most-est”) at a club where Christopher Brooks is the caretaker. While cleaning the basement in his orange overalls he drives a forklift truck through a wall and discovers Carter’s robes and stage equipment. Using these, and with the help from “Grandma” and Maxie the Magnificent, he becomes Alabama, King of the Cosmos. His agent Otto Max says “surrealism is where it’s at” and gets the band Loading Zone to open for Alabama, complete with hippy dancers. Alabama (who drives around in a weird custom car) is set to play Dunecrest, a major free beach festival where he promises to make an elephant disappear, and explain how it’s done. ROSELAND star E. Kerrigan Prescott appears as the ghost of Carter, with his pumping heart on the outside. He warns Alabama that “your ambition will contaminate the planet”. True enough a mind boggling conspiracy involving satellites, Raw Zeta and vampires is underfoot. You just won’t believe the jaw dropping big spectacle climax (very impressively done on such a low budget). You also get voodoo, memorable images of women on conveyer belts being drained by hooded vampires, over-the-top acting and more. It remains one of my favourite movie experiences, and I can only imagine what viewers in first-run theatres thought of this unique mindfuck. Hobbs made only one more film, the amazing GOD MONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS.

ALBERT PECKINPAH’S REVENGE See: JENNIE: WIFE/CHILD

ALCOHOL AND RED FLARES See: RED ASPHALT

AL CAPONE (1959 US) D: RICHARD WILSON W: MALVIN WALD/HENRY F. GREENBERG P: LEONARD ACKERMAN/JOHN H. BURROWS Unremarkable but solid b/w programmer stars a surprisingly lowkey Rod Steiger as America’s Public Enemy #1. The supporting cast has Martin Balsam, Fay Spain, James Gregory, Nehemiah Persoff, Murvyn Vye, Robert Gist, Raymond Bailey, Sally Todd and John Mitchum.

THE ALCHEMIST (1980 US) D: “JAMES AMANTE” (CHARLES BAND) W: ALAN J. ADLER P: LAWRENCE APPLEBAUM After making the difficult-to-see features LAST FOXTROT IN BURBANK (1973) and CRASH! (1977), Band’s third as director wasn’t released until 1984 (by Manson International). Driving to a new town, Lucinda Dooling (from LOVELY BUT DEADLY and NINJA III) picks-up a young discharged soldier hitchhiking. She experiences visions, they crash and end up at a shack in the woods with ageless Robert Ginty and his 90-year-old daughter. Turns out that Dooling is the reincarnation of Ginty’s dead wife, and a curse will result in demons from Hell being released via a portal in the woods. Slow-moving and dreary, it doesn’t make much sense. Band continued with the 3D PARASITE.

ALFERD PACKER: THE MUSICAL (cannibal!: the musical) (1993 US) D/W/P: TREY PARKER W/P: MATT STONE P: IAN HARDIN/JOHN FRANK ROSENBLUM Six Mormons led by Alferd Packer (Parker under the pseudonym “Juan Scwarz”) leave Idaho to stake a claim for gold in the Colorado Rockies in 1873. They end up having to eat each other to survive. This true story (Packer was the first US citizen charged with cannibalism) has been turned into a musical comedy with gore scenes. Highlights include the Japanese Indian tribe, “Let’s Build A Snowman”, the opening b/w (with colour gore) scene and a cowbell solo. Parker and Stone (who also acts) later created SOUTH PARK. With Dian Bachar and underground experimental pioneer Stan Brakhage. Schpadoinkle!

THE ALGONQUIN GOODBYE See: SILENT TRIGGER

ALICE (1991 JPN ANIMATED) D: YUZOU AOKI W: JUTOKU YOSHIDA P: YOSHIMITSU TAKAHASHI Alice is a superhuman cyborg who has the best vagina in the world in this silly erotic comedy based on a manga by Monkey Punch (LUPIN III). The son of her mad scientist creator tries to destroy her and has various sexual encounters during the brief 45. min running time. It’s ok but nothing special. Monkey Punch or Lupin fans might want to take a look (the animation is very similar to the Lupin movies).

ALICE (2000) See: THE WYVERN MYSTERY

ALICE GOES TO ACIDLAND See: ALICE IN ACIDLAND

ALICE GOODBODY (gosh) (1974 US) D/W/P: TOM SCHEUER Porno veteran Sharon Kelly stars in this R rated comedy as an airhead actress wannabe who gets a sleazy agent who puts her in a movie as long as she keeps his knob polished. She also has to fuck producers and directors to get different roles, but is constantly injured in an accident on set. She bounces back Lucy-style, and the final line is a “who do I have to fuck?” gag. I guess it’s supposed to be funny. The only part that made me laugh is the theme tune to the musical Roman Empire epic that they’re making (“Julius Caesar, crowd pleaser. Puts the Colosseum at the top of the charts”).

ALICE IN ACIDLAND (alice goes to acidland) (1968 US) D/P: “JOHN DONNE” W: “GERTRUDE STEEN” In this minimal but effective and enjoyable (especially if you’re high) narrated one hour b/w drug movie, teen Alice Trenton goes from being an innocent to a pot-smoking jezebel who balls some guy called Animal and hooks other young girls on the “twilight hippy” lifestyle. Eventually (in the full colour freakout ending), she ends up in a padded cell as a “mental vegetable” because of LSD sugarcubes. I can only imagine druggies at the time laughing their asses off in theatres, while the paranoid fathers of would-be hippy chicks tried to ignore them, getting off on the skin on display. Groovy!

ALICE, SWEET ALICE (holy terror; communion) (1976 US) D/W: ALFRED SOLE W: ROSEMARY RITVO P: RICHARD K. ROSENBERG Is twelve-year-old Paula Sheppard (who’s excellent, and was also in LIQUID SKY) responsible for a series of murders? Someone in a yellow raincoat and face mask is killing people in New Jersey, beginning with Sheppard’s little sister (a young Brooke Shields). Set within the confines of a deeply religious Catholic community, this is a real effective, atmospheric psycho thriller. Check it out. With Lillian Roth and Tom Signorelli.

ALIEN (1979 UK) D: RIDLEY SCOTT W: DAN O’BANNON/RONALD SHUSETT P: GORDON CARROLL/DAVID GILER/WALTER HILL One of the most imitated features of all-time borrows from IT! TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE, PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES and QUEEN OF BLOOD (1966) but can stand on its own as damn good sci-fi/ horror. The crew of the spacecraft Nostromo (Tom Skerritt, Veronica Cartwright, Harry Dean Stanton, John Hurt, Ian Holm, Yaphet Kotto and heroine Sigourney Weaver) answer a distress call on their way back to Earth. They find alien eggs with “facehuggers” inside, one of which attaches itself to Hurt. Then, of course, it lays eggs in his throat, leading to the famous chest-burster scene and soon there’s a fully grown monster (designed by H.R. Giger, built by Carlo Rambaldi) running around the ship and slaughtering the crew. Jerry Goldsmith provides the score, and Roger Christian (soon to direct his first feature, THE SENDER) was an art director (as he was on the same year’s LIFE OF BRIAN). ALIENS was the first official sequel. Scott made BLADE RUNNER next.

ALIEN 2 (alien terror; alien 2: on earth; strangers; alien 2, sulla terra) (1979 ITL) D/W/P: “SAM CROMWELL”(CIRO IPPOLITO) In this typical Italian title rip-off, a space capsule returns to Earth with a deadly alien spawn on-board that terrorises psychic Belinda Mayne and her pot-holing friends. There’s some gore, stock footage and music by the Oliver Onions. Your patience for this kind of nonsense will determine your enjoyment. With “Michael Shaw” (Michele Soavi). It ends with the title card “you may be next”.

ALIEN 3 (1992 US) D: DAVID FINCHER W: LARRY FERGUSON P: VINCENT WARD/DAVID GILER/WALTER HILL Fincher’s debut after directing Madonna videos was pretty slated and mostly ignored. It’s true that its murky claustrophobic slouch of an atmosphere (and script) makes it vastly inferior to the first two. But it does have some merit. Sigourney Weaver lands on a space prison colony this time. Naturally the monster turns up, too. The interesting cast includes Charles Dance, Charles Dutton, Brian Glover, Paul McGann (who later had a short stint as DOCTOR WHO) and (briefly) Lance Henriksen. Some critics tried to redeem it as an AIDS allegory, no one was much convinced (does that mean that all those cheap direct-to-video titles with cramped sets and barely seen monsters are also scathing political satire?). John Fasano (who directed the warped ROCK’N’ROLL NIGHTMARE in Canada) had some script input, so we may have located the problem. Screenwriter Larry Ferguson later made FIXING THE SHADOW. Fincher directed the far more interesting SE7EN next. ALIEN: RESURRECTION followed.

ALIEN 4 See: ALIEN: RESURRECTION

ALIENATOR (1989 US) D: FRED OLEN RAY W: PAUL GARSON P: JEFFREY C. HOGUE In 1958, Robert Clarke starred in THE ASTOUNDING SHE MONSTER. Over 40 years later he has a small role in this typically bad Olen Ray remake. Ross Hagen is a convict who escapes from a prison spaceship (run by Jan-Michael Vincent) and crash-lands on Earth. Female bodybuilder Teagan stars as the ridiculous looking Alienator, a bounty hunter after Hagen. Teens help the devious Hagen fight the unstoppable Teagan. With John Phillip Law, P.J. Soles, Leo V. Gordon, Fox Harris, Dawn Wildsmith, Robert Quarry, Jay Richardson and Hoke Howell. It was photographed by Gary Graver. Producer Hogue makes a brief appearance.

ALIENATORS See: SHOCKING DARK

ALIEN CONTAMINATION See: CONTAMINATION

THE ALIEN DEAD (it fell from the sky) (1979 US) D/W/P: FRED OLEN RAY W: MARTIN ALAN NICHOLAS P: CHUCK SUMNER The prolific Olen Ray’s first completed feature (after the abandoned THE BRAIN LEECHES) is a regional horror filmed in Florida. A small-town newspaper journalist investigates some disappearances and discovers flesh-eating zombies caused by a meteor. The local actors are obviously having a good time wandering around the swamps in makeup and you can sometimes see a zombie crack a smile. They impale an old lady on a pitchfork in one scene. Heading the cast of good southern hick characters (who talk a lot) is Buster Crabbe as the Sheriff! The NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD-inspired climax has characters surrounded by the living dead in a wooden hut. Olen Ray also did the FX and has an acting turn. His later films may be slicker, but they don’t have the infectious charm of this slow-moving but likeable favourite. Sumner also acts.

ALIEN CRISIS See: ALIEN SPECIES

ALIEN ENCOUNTER (1977) See: STARSHIP INVASIONS

ALIEN ENCOUNTER (1997) See: HYBRID

THE ALIEN FACTOR (1977 US) D/W/P: DON DOHLER Baltimorean Dohler’s 16mm debut feature is an ambitious zero-budget sci-fi/horror that’s developed quite the cult following over the years. A crash-landed spaceship emits three alien monsters. Two are pretty cool men-in-monster-suits (one has long legs) and the third (which turns up at the end) is a transparent animated reptile/dinosaur monster (I assume the result of not using bluescreen FX properly). A mysterious man claiming to be a scientist helps track them while the local Sheriff gets suspicious and grumpy. George Stover performs autopsies on local victims of monster attacks. The Mayor (tv horror host Richard Dyszel aka Count Gore De Vol) worries about the effect publicity might have on a proposed “activity park”. A rock band called Atlantis play a couple of numbers. It’s very slow, badly acted and somewhat inept, but what charming regional monster movie favourite isn’t? Dohler (who also did the editing) made FIEND next, before returning with more fun alien invader shenanigans with both NIGHTBEAST (1982) and THE GALAXY INVADER (1985). An ALIEN FACTOR 2 (made in 2001) appeared on dvd in 2004, according to IMDb!

ALIEN FROM DARKNESS See: BREEDERS (1996)

ALIEN FROM LA (odeon; wanda) (1988 US S.AFR) D/W: ALBERT PYUN W: DEBRA RICCI/REGINA DAVIS P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS After her explorer father falls down a bottomless pit in Africa, LA valley girl nerd Kathy Ireland goes there to sort out his will. She falls down the same hole to Atlantis. With William R. Moses. Footage from Cannon’s JOURNEY TO THE Centre OF THE EARTH, which also had Ireland falling down a hole to Atlantis the same year, is used. This attempt at a family fantasy is pretty bad (and too dark to see properly).

ALIEN FROM THE DEEP (alien degli abissi) (1989 ITL PHIL) D: “ANTHONY M. DAWSON” (ANTONIO MARGHERITI) W: TITO CARPI P: GIANFRANCO COUYOUMDJIAN “Julia McKay” (Marina Giulia Cavalli) and her cameraman are eco-concious types who sneak onto a heavily guarded island to see what the E-Chem company are up to. They are in fact dumping radioactive waste into a volcano (why?), which acts as a beacon which attracts a (barely seen until the end, where it looks really ridiculous) huge metal alien with lobster claws. Some guy co-stars as snake-hunter hero, Charles Napier is the villain Commander, and “Alan Collins” (Luciano Pigozzi) has one of his last roles as a level-headed scientist. Ridiculous, but maybe not enough to be fun.

ALIEN INTRUDER (2022: a space odyssey) (1992 US) D: RICHARD JACQUES GALE W: NICK STONE P: JOSEPH MERHI/RICHARD PEPIN Prisoners onboard a death row prison ship in space (including star Maxwell Caulfield) are chosen by Billy Dee Williams to retrieve a stranded spaceship. A virus onboard the ship’s VR entertainment system appears as Tracy Scoggins. She seduces all the men inside their virtual fantasies (western, biker gang, surfer, b/w CASABLANCA copy) and causes infighting. Just terrible. With Jeff Conaway, “Jane Hamilton” (Veronica Hart) and Lauren Hays. It’s from PM.

ALIEN MASSACRE See: THE WIZARD OF MARS

ALIEN NATION (1988 US) D: GRAHAM BAKER W: ROCKNE S. O’BANNON P: GALE ANNE HURD/RICHARD KOBRITZ In the future (well, 1991 where RAMBO 6 is playing in a theatre) aliens (that are humanoid in shape but have funny heads) have landed and have become integrated into human society. The “newcomers” are however victimised, called “slags” and live in slums. Mandy Patinkin is the first newcomer to reach the rank of police detective. He’s paired with racist cop James Caan and this potentially interesting premise turns into a buddy cop movie disguised as sci-fi. Terence Stamp is an alien drug-dealer who transforms into a Stan Winston monster. Patinkin can get drunk on sour milk, and seawater is like acid to him. Apparently James Cameron did uncredited “polishing” on the script. With Peter Jason, Jeff Kober, Brian Thompson, Francis X. McCarty, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs and Keone Young. An ALIEN NATION tv movie (first of many) followed and led to a short-lived tv series.

ALIEN NATION: DARK HORIZON (1994 US) D: KENNETH JOHNSON W/P: DIANE FROLOV/ANDREW SCHNEIDER Some people working in tv just don’t know when to stop flogging a dead horse. This was a second (failed) attempt at an ALIEN NATION tv series. A racist anti-“newcomer” movement attempts to kill off the aliens with a virus that doesn’t effect humans. Another alien tries to take slaves back to their planet. There’s some footage from the original theatrical movie. Ok, I guess, but why bother? Gary Graham and Eric Pierpoint star. With Nina Foch and Jordan Lund. Yet more tv features followed.

ALIENNATORS See: SHOCKING DARK

ALIEN OUTLAW (1985 US) D/W/P: PHIL SMOOT P: GEORGE B. WALKER A UFO crash-lands in a lake in North Carolina. Aliens (that use regular handguns) emerge and kill. The heroine is a theatrical sharpshooter (“the Annie Oakley of the 80s”) called Jesse Jamison. Men ogle her in a miniskirt with fringes that shows her ass. Old cowboy movie star Lash LaRue co-stars. Also look for cameos from B western veterans Sunset Carson and Wild Bill Cody. There’s lots of hillbilly humour and talk. This 16mm production went unreleased anywhere until the recent dvd release (which looks great). I recommend Smoot’s previous feature THE DARK POWER (starring LaRue with his bull-whip, and also out on a fine-looking dvd) over this well-meaning, accomplished (for the very low-budget) but ultimately corny and charmless dud.

ALIEN PREY See: PREY

ALIEN: RESURRECTION (alien 4) (1997 US) D: JEAN-PIERRE JEUNET W: JOSS WHEDON P: BILL BADALATO/GORDON CARROLL/DAVID GILER/WALTER HILL Most critics seemed to hate this entry, but I enjoyed it in a theatre and it was an interesting clash of arthouse visuals (Jeunet was one half of the directorial team behind DELICATESSEN and THE CITY OF LOST CHILDREN) and Hollywood. Co-producer Sigourney Weaver is resurrected 200 years after the events in the previous entry with some alien DNA (there’s a bizarre Weaver/alien sex scene). I’d also like to think that Winnona Ryder’s secret is a sly bit of piss-taking on behalf of whoever cast the thing. Brad Dourif is fun as a mad scientist experimenting on aliens. With Dominique Pinon, Ron Perlman, Gary Dourdan, Michael Wincott, Dan Hedaya, Raymond Cruz, Leland Orser and the voice of Steven Gilborn. The truly awful ALIEN VS. PREDATOR (2004) and AVP 2 (2007) followed.

ALIENS (1986 US) D/W: JAMES CAMERON W: DAVID GILER/WALTER HILL P: GALE ANNE HURD This much more expensive wham-bang action movie sequel to ALIEN with sci-fi and horror overtones is often considered superior to the original, more low-key affair. But they’re too different to compare. Forget about comparisons and just get set for an exciting, pulse-pounding exploitation classic. Sigourney Weaver (who was nominated for an Oscar) has to join a Marine corp bound for a mining colony infested with the dangerous alien monsters. That’s all of a plot you really need, but they throw in a few twists as well. With Michael Biehn, Lance Henriksen, Paul Reiser, Bill Paxton and Mark Rolston. Stan Winston provided the excellent, scary FX. Available in endless director’s cuts and various format versions, just get the damn thing in any condition.

ALIENS (2004) See: EVIL ALIENS

ALIEN SHOCK See: WITHOUT WARNING (1980)

ALIEN SNATCHERS See: MIND BREAKERS

ALIEN SPACE AVENGER (space avenger; alien terror) (1988 US) D/W: RICHARD W. HAINES W: LYNWOOD SAWYER P: RAY SUNDLIN/ROBERT A. HARRIS Four alien terrorists escape from a space prison and crash-land on Earth in the 1930s. They find host bodies (two couples), see a FLASH GORDON serial in a theatre, shoot a bunch of people and then hide in their craft to avoid an alien “agent” tracking them. Fifty years later construction disturbs them, and they emerge in 1980s NYC (still wearing the same clothes), and kill more people while searching for plutonium to mend their ship. A comic book artist (Robert Pritchard of THRILL KILL VIDEO CLUB [1991]) writes a strip based on them, but they think he knows what they’re up to, and becomes their nemesis. The agent tracking them takes over the body of his girlfriend. This is a good example of a charming, ambitious low-budget exploitation movie. It has gore, nudity, action, dumb comedy, some excellent FX and great location work. Jamie Gillis has a cameo. It’s much better than CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH (which Haines co-directed for Troma).

ALIEN SPECIES (alien crisis) (1996 US) D/P: PETER MARIS W: NANCY NEWBAUER P: BILL CROW A big alien mothership arrives in Earth’s orbit and releases smaller saucers that attack major cities with lasers. A wrongly convicted murderer and some research scientists mount a counter-attack in this very low-budget sci-fi alien invasion movie. There are some man-in-a-monster-suit aliens who attack in a cave. Don’t be fooled by Charles Napier’s topbilling, he’s hardly in it at all. Thank god the sequel (announced at the end) never got made.

ALIENS: THE DEADLY SPAWN See: RETURN OF THE ALIENS: THE DEADLY SPAWN

ALIEN TERMINATORS See: TOP LINE

ALIEN TERROR (1979) See: ALIEN 2

ALIEN TERROR (1988) See: ALIEN SPACE AVENGER

ALIEN WEAPON I See: FINAL EQUINOX

THE ALIEN WITHIN (unknown origin) (1994 US) D: SCOTT P. LEVY W: ALEX SIMON/ROB KERCHNER P: MIKE ELLIOTT In the year 2020, man has used up most of the Earth’s resources so new underwater drilling facilities are in operation. The overworked mining crew and medical staff of just such a facility investigate the distress signal from a Russian mining base. A not-too-impressive pink tentacled parasite goes from body to body in this crappy ALIEN/THING underwater clone made for executive producer Roger Corman’s New Horizons and Showtime cable. The interesting but utterly wasted cast includes Roddy McDowall, Melanie Shatner, Don Stroud and Sha-Ri Pendleton (Blaze on American Gladiators).

ALIEN WOMEN See: ZETA ONE

ALIEN ZOMBIE See: DEMONWARP

ALISON’S BIRTHDAY (1979 AUSL) D/W: IAN COUGHLAN P: DAVID HANNAY Derivative supernatural chiller — about a teenage girl (Joanne Samuel) who’s warned by the spirit of her dead father that she’ll be possessed on her 19th birthday — is much better than you might expect. With John Bluthal, Vincent Ball and Coughlan. David Hemmings’ company financed this.

ALIVE (1992 US) D: FRANK MARSHALL W: JOHN PATRICK SHANLEY P: KATHLEEN KENNEDY/ROBERT WATTS John Malkovich is the surviving passenger of a plane that crashed in the Andes 20 years earlier. His feature-length flashback show how members of a rugby team were forced to eat their dead friends to stay alive. It’s based on Paul Read’s book, which is based on a true story (previously filmed in Mexico in 1976 as SURVIVE!). The opening crash scene is amazing, but the rest of this well-meaning bore is more about the triumph of the human spirit than grisly cannibalism. With Ethan Hawke, Bruce Ramsay, Josh Hamilton, Vincent Spano, Illeana Douglas, José Nuniga, Danny Nucci, Gordon Currie, Josh Lucas and Jerry Wasserman.

ALIVE (2002 JPN) D/W: RYUHEI KITAMURA W: ISAO KIRIYAMA/YUDAI YAMAGUCHI P: TAIZO FUKUMAKI/ HIDEMI SATANI After the international hit VERSUS, Kitamura made this dull, senseless and talky irritation of a movie. Hideo Sasaki stars as a prisoner who chooses to live under certain unknown conditions rather than be put to death in an electric chair. Monitored by some kind of scientific team (I think), he shares a large cell in a vast complex with a psycho who overacts terribly. A female who appears is seen differently by both men. Sasaki sees Ryo (the modelturned-actress from GEMINI). After a long stretch of nothing but evasive dialogue, a monster emerges from the girl and takes over Sasaki as troops burst into the complex and have kinetic, FX-laden fight scenes with him. This adaption of Tsutomu Takahoshi’s manga made no sense to me at all, but it does have its fans. With Shun Sugata, Koyuki, Bengal, Hitoshi Ozawa, Tak Sakaguchi, Tetta Tsugimoto, Renji Ishibashi and Jun Kunimura.

ALIVE BY NIGHT See: EVIL SPAWN

ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS (2002 US GER) D: KEVIN BRAY W: RONALD LANG W/P: ICE CUBE P: MATT ALVAREZ Irritating, lacklustre action comedy stars Ice Cube as a bounty hunter looking for stolen diamonds with the help of criminal-on-probation Mike Epps, who’s lost a winning lottery ticket. With Tommy Flannagan, Eva Mendes, Valerie Race Miller, Anthony Michael Hall, Antoni Corone, Lil’ Bow Wow and Bray.

ALL AMERICAN MURDER (1991 US) D: ANSON WILLIAMS W: BARRY SANDLER P: BILL NOVODAR You might enjoy this unlikely but fun murder-mystery thriller with TWIN PEAKS inspired undertones. Charlie Schatter is a wise-ass pyromaniac rebel teen who’s been kicked out of many schools for his antics. His father gives him a last chance at one final college. Once there he falls in love with blonde cheerleader Kimberly Scott. This trundles along at teen college comedy pace until she is burnt to death. Schatter becomes the main suspect. Enter Christopher Walken as cool cop P.J. Decker. He has doubts about the boy’s guilt and gives him enough rope to prove his innocence. It all gets quite silly at times, but Schatter grows on you and Walken is effortlessly captivating as usual. The ending is, at the very least, unexpected. Worth a look if you don’t expect too much. With Joanna Cassidy, Richard Kind, J.C. Quinn and Woody Watson. The director used to be Potsie on Happy Days.

ALLEYCAT ROCK See: STRAY CAT ROCK (series)

ALLIGATOR (1980 US) D: LEWIS TEAGUE W: JOHN SAYLES/FRANK RAY PERILLI P: BRANDON CHASE Robert Forster stars in this superior monster movie. A baby alligator is flushed down the toilet and grows up in the city sewer system. Due to a diet of dead dogs injected with an experimental growth hormone, dumped by an illegal vivisection laboratory, it’s mutated to giant size. Soon, chewed-up limbs start appearing at sewage plants and the city is terrorised when the alligator goes overground. Henry Silva is a great white hunter hired to track it down. He enlists the help of black “native” guys to show him around the city. This and other little satirical ideas (probably all Sayles’) make it seem like a Larry Cohen movie. With Robin Riker, Michael Gazzo, Dean Jagger, Sidney Lassick, Jack Carter, Perry Lang and director Dick Richards. Great fun. A sequel followed years later.

ALLIGATOR (2001) See: KRAI THONG

ALLIGATOR II: THE MUTATION (1991 US) D: JON HESS W: CURT ALLEN P: BRANDON CHASE Another big alligator attacks in this awful sequel to the 1980 classic. Steve Railsback is the corporate villain to blame for polluting the lake. Joseph Bologna stars, with Dee Wallace Stone, Richard Lynch, Brock Peters, Kane Hodder and Prof. Toru Tanaka as a wrestler.

THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE (1959 US) D: ROY DEL RUTH W: ORVILLE H. HAMPTON/CHARLES OLIVER/ ROBERT M. FRESCO P: JACK LEEWOOD Beverly Garland searches for her missing husband Bruce Bennett. Her search takes her to a house in the bayou where she finds Bennett in hiding, his skin growing increasingly reptilian until he turns into an upright alligator man (wearing trousers!). With a hook-handed Lon Chaney Jr., George Macready, Frieda Inescort, Richard Crane, Douglas Kennedy, Hal K. Dawson and Dudley Dickerson. A 50s b/w B movie monster worth catching on late-night tv.

ALLIGATOR X See: XTINCTION: PREDATOR X

ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS (7 blows of the dragon; the water margin; waterside story; shui hui chuen; sui woo juen) (1972 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW The patriotic “Honourable 28” are folk heroes defending the Qing dynasty from corrupt officials. Based on the multivolume saga The Water Margin, this section of the story concerns the 28’s revenge after “The Heavenly Kid” is killed. David Chiang stars as the womanising, flute-playing “young dragon”, and there must be some Japanese money in there somewhere because Tetsuro Tamba has a sizable part (and Toshio Kurosawa’s in it, too). With Wong Chung, Wu Ma (an assistant director), Guk Fung, Cheng Miu, Ti Lung, Chen Kuan Tai, Yueh Hua, Lily Ho Li Li, Paul Chun Pui, Yuen Shun Yi, Fan Mei Shing, Mui Sang Fan (director of 1978’s AMSTERDAM CONNECTION) and Ku Feng. With talent like this it should have been a classic. But the fighting (choreography by Liu Chia Liang) is lacklustre, Cheh’s pace is slacker than usual and is missing the epic chivalry of something like THE DEADLY DUO. As well as the sequel, another ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS turned up in 1993, which is in fact a remake of the Shaw Bros’ PURSUIT (1972).

ALL NIGHT LONG (1992 JPN) D/W: KATSUYA MATSUMURA P: YOICHI ARISHIGE This antisocial revenge film is highly regarded among fans of cult Japanese cinema, but I can’t think why. Three teenage men witness a stabbing in the street (the only genuinely shocking part) and become tightly bonded after the experience. So, when one of their girlfriends is raped and killed, they exact their violent revenge. There’s a little more to it than that, but you get the general idea. It’s an ok exploitation movie/nihilist study let-down by bad acting and bad pacing. The sequels are better.

ALL NIGHT LONG 2 (atrocity) (1994 JPN) D/W: KATSUYA MATSUMURA P: YOICHI ARISHIGE During the summer holidays, a high school nerd (who collects dolls) is picked on by a rich homosexual psycho and his gang of thugs. The psycho (who pours glue into his boyfriend’s ear) gets closer to the schoolboy by taking him to his house and letting him watch his total domination of a female slave who’s been gangraped by his goons and had her fingernails torn off. Later on, when the psycho and gang arrive at the boys’ house to collect some money, they find that he has company: two other schoolboys and one of the boy’s girlfriend. The gang take all four of them to the psycho’s house, shoot the girl up with heroin and play sadistic, violent games with all of them. When the tables are turned, the schoolboy (slowly warming to the sadistic deeds) turns out to be more sick than the gang. This “sequel” is better than the overrated original, but still suffers from bad performances and doesn’t quite succeed. However, the next entry in the series (which elaborates on some ideas found here) is a major step-up.

ALL NIGHT LONG 3 (atrocities; final atrocity) (1996 JPN) D/W: KATSUYA MATSUMURA P: YOICHI ARISHIGE Yuji Kitagawa (later to become a popstar) is a twisted young college student. Rather than attend classes, he collects flies (for his Venus flytrap) and searches through refuse sacks. He becomes obsessed with one girl (Kanori Kadomatsu) and starts collecting all her rubbish (including used sanitary towels), eating her leftover food and drink. The co-workers at his hotel job are also pretty weird. One boy sadistically dominates a masochistic high school girl cripple, and another mentally disabled guy pisses on a raped girl in a garbage dump before beating her half to death. Tomoroh Taguchi turns up as another rubbish collector (a “dust hunter”) who has a library of files on his subjects. Much is made of how humans are “living garbage”. This relentlessly disturbing and vicious entry is excellent for those not easily offended, and may be the ultimate voyeur movie. If you only see one ALL NIGHT LONG, make it this one. (Incidentally, one of many punk bands that Taguchi has been in over the years was called The Bronsons. During gigs, they would all preform in Charles Bronson disguises.) ALL NIGHT LONG 0 and ALL NIGHT LONG R followed in 2003, plus an ALL NIGHT LONG 6 in 2009.

ALL THAT MONEY CAN BUY See: THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER

ALL THE COLORS OF DARKNESS (day of the maniac; demons of the dead; they’re coming to get you; tutti I colori del buio; todos los colores de la oscuridad) (1972 ITL SPN) D: SERGIO MARTINO W: ERNESTO GASTALDI/SAURO SCAVOLINI/SANTIAGO MONCADA P: MINO LOY/LUCIANO MARTINO Edwige Fenech looks great as a troubled Londoner recovering from the loss of her unborn baby in a car crash. Boyfriend George Hilton gives her pills but doesn’t like her going to a psychiatrist. Neither help when she keeps seeing a menacing man with bright blue eyes following her everywhere. A friendly female neighbour takes her to a black mass ceremony where she drinks dog blood. Things get worse from there in this dated, sometimes laughable (and monotonous) but also fairly engaging mystery/ psychodrama. I found it easier to sit through than several other more celebrated giallo thrillers. With Ivan Rassimov, Nieves Navarro (aka Susan Scott), Georges Rigaud, Luciano Pigozzi (aka Alan Collins), Dominique Boschero, Renato Chinantoni, Tom Felleghy, Carla Maneini and Gianni Pulone. There’s not that much important missing in the cut version.

ALL THE KIND STRANGERS (evil in the swamp) (1974 US) D: BURT KENNEDY W: CLYDE WARE P: ROGER LEWIS Photojournalist Stacy Keach ends up the captive of orphan children (led by John Savage as a teenager) at a remote ranch. They want him and fellow prisoner Samantha Eggar to be their parents. His car is sunk in the creek and tracker dogs keep them from making a run for it. Earlier candidates for the job ended up dead. You may not like the happy ending, but this is an above average tv movie, and only 74 mins long. With Robby Benson (who sings the theme tune). Shot in Tennessee. Jerry Gross backed it.

ALL THE LOVE YOU CANNES: AN INDIE’S GUIDE TO THE CANNES FILM FESTIVAL (2001 US) D/W/P: LLOYD KAUFMAN D/W: GABRIEL FRIEDMAN/SEAN McGRATH P: MICHAEL HERZ Kaufman and the Troma team documented their visit to the 2001 Cannes film festival and offer tips to the independent filmmaker on a tight budget. Whereas this doc does highlight how Cannes has become less and less indie friendly and more and more part of the faceless AOL/Windows/ Mac money machine, there is no denying that most of the loud, infantile, unprofessional members of the Troma team are damned annoying, whether they be re-enacting scenes from CITIZEN TOXIE in the streets, picking fights with locals, pissing in someone’s bag or ramming a baseball bat handle up some guy’s ass. The only person to come across as a bigger prick is Jean-Claude Van Damme. Also with glimpses of Claude Chabrol, Quentin Tarantino and Roger Ebert.

ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN (1976 US) D: ALAN J. PAKULA W: WILLIAM GOLDMAN P: WALTER COBLENZ Robert Redord and Dustin Hoffman are Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, the Washington Post reporters who investigated the 1972 Watergate break-in at the National Democrat HQ in Washington, and helped to uncover the ensuing conspiracy that finally led to the fall of Richard Nixon (based on the first half of their best-selling book about the case). Despite the painstaking, non-Hollywoodised attention to detail, and lack of hyperbolic sensationalism, one could still argue that the essential reporter-as-suffering-hero narrative is far from the “truth” (there were many elements that led to the fall of Nixon, all running concurrently), however that would be missing the point and doing disservice to a truly great film, one of the best of its type about politics, journalism, and a damn fine, absorbing thriller to boot. It’s 138 mins long, but I was sad when it was over (and it ends perfectly low-key). With Jason Robards, Martin Balsam, Jack Warden, Hal Holbrook as Deep Throat, Jane Alexander, Robert Walden, Stephen Collins, Ned Beatty, Lindsay Crouse, Meredith Baxter, Richard Herd, James Karen, F. Murray Abraham and Frank Latimore. The fine score is by David Shire, and the fantastic cinematography is by Gordon Willis (who had shot the earlier JFK conspiracy thriller THE PARALLAX VIEW for Pakula).

ALL THE WAY TRINITY See: TRINITY IS STILL MY NAME

ALL WOMEN ARE BAD (1969 US) D: LARRY CRANE W: WALTER M. BERGER Something Weird Video sure do dig up some demented gems. A cosmetics salesman in Hoboken narrates, incessantly. He goes to the woods for a lie down (!), only to be awoken by a call in his head. He climbs a hill until he sees a factory “calling him back to civilisation”. He goes home but his wife is having sex with another man. Instead of disturbing them he leaves angrily, and heads for Manhattan. He travels across the Hudson on a ferry. The film suddenly slows right down as we are treated to several mins of passengers waiting to get off the ferry (our man narrates anxiously about how long it takes). Once in the city he sets about searching for a place to live, but instead spies through keyholes. In one room a naked male painting model (future DEEP THROAT director Gerard Damiano!) gets it on with the female artist. In another a couple of women just chat, but our misogynist gets angry (“jezebels!”) and leaves. He heads to a bar where a (“hairy musician”) guitarist plays for strippers. He imagines one of the women there is his wife (we get to see that the actress is exceptionally beautiful here, by the way). Then a very camp gay man with big eyebrows comes in and has a fight. He chats up another guy, who also turns into the wife. Our man (who’s starting to lose it, and no longer thinks he’s in New York) heads to Chinatown. Suddenly he finds himself behind a curtain watching a woman in a negligee smoke opium. She starts dancing in front of a psychedelic slideshow (“confusing”). On the other side of the curtain he watches stoned hippies and their guru smoke (“it must be pot”), and then start an orgy. He keeps on imagining different women are his wife. A guy cackles while whipping a tied-up girl. The salesman imagines himself turning into a woman with his wife’s breasts briefly, but goes to bed and wakes up normal the next day (what the fuck!?). He goes to see an “agent” and follows one of his strippers to a brownstone where a “slutty old fruit” tickles her and plays with her feet (our exasperated narrator just can’t believe this). After a fortune-teller lets him feel her up, he sees a guy climb into a coffin and seemingly fuck a corpse. But his (living) wife is in there again. At the end it turns out it was a all a dream! An insane, nonsensical b/w hour or so that manages to fit in so much while still being a complete waste of time. The footage mostly silent with some catchy instrumentals on the soundtrack. Post-dubbed attempts at dialogue are hilariously conspicuous. A true wonder.

ALL YOU NEED IS CASH (the rutles) (1978 UK US) D/W: ERIC IDLE D/P: GARY WEIS Absolutely spot on 68 mins proto-SPINAL TAP mockumentary spinoff from Idle’s post-Monty Python sketch show Rutland Weekend Television. Idle (who has several roles) himself hosts the history of the Prefab Four, Dirk, Barry, Stig & Nasty (Idle, John Halsey, Ricky Fataar and Neil Innes of Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band fame, mostly responsible for the amazing parody songs), from their early days in Liverpool’s Cavern club and Hamburg’s Der Rat Keller (Goose Step Mama), hooking up with manager Leggy Mountbatten, losing fifth member Leppo, appearing on Ed Sullivan, playing a sold-out Che Stadium, making the movie Ouch! and so on. Bob Dylan introduces them to tea, which inspires them to record Sgt. Rutter’s Only Darts Club Band, visit Surrey mystic Arthur Sultan in Bognor and perform a live tv broadcast of Love Life. They sing Piggy In the Middle in the Tragical History Tour, and (my favourite) Cheese And Onions (classic!) for Yellow Submarine Sandwich. The group disintegrates after Let It Rot. I would rather listen to a Rutles LP than the Beatles if I’m honest! With Gwen Taylor, as the Yoko Ono-like artist Chastity, Michael Palin, George Harrison, Barry Cryer, Mick Jagger, Gilda Radner, Dan Ayckroyd, John Belushi, Paul Simon, Bill Murray (the K), Bianca Jagger, Ron Wood and Jeanette Charles as the Queen. Actors play blues musicians Blind Lemon Pie and Ruttling Orange Peel! Hilarious stuff (Lennon wasn’t assassinated until 1980). Weis also made the interesting real-life WARRIORS gang documentary 80 BLOCKS FROM TIFFANY’S (1979). Years later saw CAN’T BUY ME LUNCH.

ALMOST HUMAN (the death dealers; the executioner; milano odia: la polizia non puo sparare) (1974 ITL) D: UMBERTO LENZI W: ERNESTO GASTALDI P: LUCIANO MARTINO Tomas Milian and two accomplices (one is Ray Lovelock) kidnap the daughter of rich company president Guido Alberti. Of course everything ends in tragedy in this routinely average thriller, but Milian makes it worth the watch. He’s a cocky, cheerful seeming psychopath, who forces hostages to give oral sex (offscreen), kills a little kid, doubles-crosses and machine-guns anyone and everyone in a heartbeat. He even has the balls to drop into the local cop shop when he’s on their most wanted list! Henry Silva co-stars as a detective who’s desperate to pin evidence on the creep. With Nello Pazzafini, Luciano Catenacci, Tom Felleghy, Lorenzo Piani, and a score from Ennio Morricone.

ALMOST HUMAN (1977) See: SHOCK WAVES

ALOHA, BOBBY AND ROSE (1975 US) D/W: FLOYD MUTRUX W: DON SIMPSON P: FOUAD SAID Mechanic Paul Le Mat and young single mother Dianne Hull accidentally kill a liquor store worker and have to go on the run in this excellent, touching road movie that’s due more recognition. I guess the use of a pop soundtrack was inspired by MEAN STREETS, and it’s used to great effect. William A. Fraker’s LA location photography is also top-notch. With Robert Carradine, Edward James Olmos and Noble Willingham. Recommended.

ALONE IN THE DARK (junk in the dark) (1982 US) D/W: JACK SHOLDER W/P: ROBERT SHAYE W: MICHAEL HARRPSTER Four violent mental patients (Martin Landau, Jack Palance, Elrland van Lidth de Jeude and some guy we never see) are kept in a maximum security wing of a rest haven against the wishes of liberal, eccentric warden Donald Pleasence. During a blackout (that interrupts the Sic Fucks playing the wonderful Chop Up Your Mother on stage) they escape and make their way to the remote home of psychiatrist Dwight Schultz, who they think killed their former doctor. Schultz and family try to keep them out as citizens riot in the city. ALONE IN THE DARK is not great all the way through and has too many false scares, but parts are excellent and the cast is fun to watch (particularly Landau). I expect lots of viewers hated the anticlimactic ending, but I think it’s well done. With Lin Shaye and Larry Pine. It was the directorial debut from the guy who made A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART 2 and THE HIDDEN.

ALONG CAME A SPIDER (im netz der spinne) (2001 US GER) D: LEE TAMAHORI W: MARC MOSS P: DAVID BROWN/JOE WIZAN Morgan Freeman returns as the same police detective/author he played in KISS THE GIRLS. Michael Wincott is a kidnapper who has senator Michael Moriarty’s little girl (Mika Boorem). Secret Service agent Monica Potter is Freeman’s partner on the case. Watchable enough mystery thriller is far too convoluted for its own good and a little bland. With Dylan Baker, Anton Yelchin, Kimberly Hawthorne, Penelope Ann Miller, Jay O. Sanders, Billy Burke, Anna Maria Horsford, Christopher Shyer, Tom McBeath, Ravil Issyanov, Claire Riley and Nathaniel Deveaux. Based on James Patterson’s novel.

THE ALPHABET (1968 US) D/W: DAVID LYNCH After his art gallery piece SIX FIGURES GETTING SICK, Lynch made his first proper excursion into film with a crude four mins semi-animated surrealist art piece that may amuse long time devotee completists. His next short (THE GRANDMOTHER) was a major step-up.

ALPHAVILLE, A STRANGE ADVENTURE OF LEMMY CAUTION (alphaville, une etrange adventure de lemmy caution; agente lemmy caution missione alphaville; dick tracy on mars) (1965 FRA ITL) D/W: JEAN-LUC GODARD P: ANDRE MICHELIN American Eddie Constantine is Lemmy Caution, a spy from the “lands without” trying to find out what happened to Prof. Leonard Nosferatu (Howard Vernon) in Alphaville, a place where illogic can be punished by death. Deliberately disorientating arthouse favourite is filled with interesting experimental touches and some fabulously hard-boiled moments, but beware those long, talky and pretentious Godard stretches. Anyone seriously interested in cinema should see it though, if only for Raou Coutard’s excellent b/w photography. With Anna Karina, Akim Tamiroff and Michael Delahaye. It’s based on Paul Eluard’s novel La Capitale de la Douler. Constantine played more or less the same role in many European productions before and since, but the official sequel (years later in 1991) was GERMANY YEAR 90 NINE ZERO.

ALTERED SPECIES See: RODENTZ

ALTERED STATES (1980 US) D: KEN RUSSELL W: “SIDNEY AARON” (PADDY CHAYEFSKY) P: HOWARD GOTTFRIED William Hurt is a scientist experimenting with de-evolution in this impressivelooking but pretty empty sci-fi (for lack of a better category). Based on Chayefsky’s book, it has some interesting ideas that make it worth a look. Dick Smith’s FX are the highlight, especially when Hurt devolves into an ape-man. LSD is a major plot-device, so Russell (who replaced original director Arthur Penn) had a (bad) mushroom trip in preparation. With Blair Brown, Drew Barrymore, Bob Balaban, Francis X. McCarthy, John Larroquette and George Gaynes.

ALTER EGO See: BEWITCHED

ALTERNATIVE 3 (1977 UK) D/W: CHRISTOPHER MILES W: DAVID AMBROSE P: JOHN ROSENBERG Originally intended for broadcast on April Fool’s Day, but pushed back due to scheduling problems, this 52 mins special edition of the non-fiction Science Report series is fondly remembered by impressionable viewers oblivious to the cast list during the end credits (and disclaimer that ended the transmission), and helped fuel conspiracy theory urban myths about it (never rebroadcast, I saw an extremely bad quality bootleg, although it’s officially available now). Hated by regular anchor Tim Briston, actors posing as investigative reporters follow up on missing person leads that may point towards a vast conspiracy to populate Mars with a cross-section of talented humans, before the Earth succumbs to the ravages of global warming! Shane Rimmer is astronaut Bob Grodin! An interesting pre-GHOSTWATCH prank, with music from Brian Eno. With Richard Marner. There was even a book based on the show, by Leslie Watkins.

ALTITUDE (panic sky) (2010 CAN US) D: KAARE ANDREWS W: PAUL A. BIRKETT P: IAN BIRKETT Jessica Lowndes is the daughter of an Army Colonel (Mike Dopud) secretly piloting a small plane full of her (annoying) teen friends to some music concert (I really started hating them when they mentioned looking forward to seeing Coldplay). En route they fly into a black cloud, seem to keep gaining altitude and lose control of the plane. A tentacled creature in the sky picks them off. Sounds kinda cool, and I suppose you could argue that the odd circular ending is unusual, but it’s basically a TWILIGHT ZONE episode dragged out and made unwatchably tedious. My drunken late-night notes sum it up best “almost clever, but shit”.

L’AL TROVE (the darkness beyond; the unknown beyond; malestrom) (2000 ITL) D/W: IVAN ZUCCON W: ENRICO SALETTI P: VALERIO ZUCCON Nonsensical shot-on-video gore quickie is supposedly based on H.P. Lovecraft. The Necronomicon is used as a plot device, but the rest of it (which seems unscripted) is anybody’s guess. The worst. Zuccon adapted Lovecraft again for THE SHUNNED HOUSE (2003) and COLOUR FROM THE DARK (2008).

ALUCARDA (innocents from hell; mark of the devil 3; sisters of satan; la hija de las tinieblas) (1978 MEX) D/W/P: JUAN LOPEZ MOCTEZUMA W: ALEXIS AMOYO/YOLANDA LOPEZ P: MAX GUEFEN/EDUARDO MORENO Two young women at a 19th century convent renounce Jesus Christ and seem to be possessed by demonic forces in this great, atmospheric horror directed by a protégé of Alejandro Jodorowsky. Its generous helpings of nudity and blood should impress exploitation fans, and more serious film historians should appreciate its mixture of the Dracula and Carmilla stories, creating something new. With Claudio Brook (in a dual role), David Silva, Tito Novaro, Victorio Blanco, Augustin Isunza and director Moctezuma. Moctezuma had previously made DR. TARR’S TORTURE DUNGEON (1973) and MARY, MARY, BLOODY MARY. The last of his four films as director was TO KILL A STRANGER (1987).

THE ALUMINUM FOWL (2005 US) D: JAMES CLAUER P: NADJA ROMAIN/HARMONY KORINE Four African-American brothers hang out at their rural home where they breed cockerels for fighting. One of them wraps everything in aluminum foil. Another narrates. What I’ve just stated is true enough, but can’t do justice to this wonderful, unique 13 mins short that seems like a documentary. Clauer had previously worked on Korine’s classic GUMMO (1997), the nearest comparison I could draw. Don’t miss it, and keep a lookout for Clauer in the future.

ALVIN PURPLE (1973 AUSL) D/P: TIM BURSTALL W: ALAN HOPGOOD Graeme Blundell stars as Alvin in this hit Aussie version of all those Brit saucy comedies of the era. Despite being skinny, clumsy and average looking, he seems irresistible to women (it’s hinted at that he’s very well endowed). As a schoolboy all the girls chase after him down the street. He gets a lot of action as a waterbed salesman. During the course of therapy sessions, he’s asked to work as a sex therapist, fucking female patients to cure them of insecurities. The film centres around the trial that ensues when his clinic is busted. It ends with a car chase, skydiving and scenes at a convent. Not a particularly good film, but engaging of its type and it’s not difficult to see why it’s a fondly remembered nostalgia favourite. ALVIN PURPLE RIDES AGAIN (1974) was the sequel, and there was even an ALVIN PURPLE tv series in 1976. In 1984, MELVIN, SON OF ALVIN was released. None of these films did much business outside Australia though.

AMANDA BY NIGHT (1981 US) D/P: “ROBERT McCALLUM”/”NEIL WESTCOTT” (GARY GRAVER) P: HAROLD LIME High class hooker Veronica Hart helps Detective Robert Kerman/Bolla (from CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST) catch a killer of prostitutes in Hollywood. This is a slick-looking porno thriller with average sex and a tv movie pace. Ron Jeremy is a sleazy vice cop, with Samantha Fox, Jamie Gillis, Lisa De Leeuw, Lee Carroll, Eric Edwards, Jon Martin, Herschel Savage, Mai Lin and Milton Ingley. Exploitation and hardcore veteran Graver also photographed it as “Neil Westcott”.

THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN (1957 US) D/W/P: BERT I. GORDON W: MARK HANNA/GEORGE WORTHINGTON YATES P: JAMES H. NICHOLSON Glenn Langan is an Army Colonel who survives a plutonium bomb explosion only to grow 60ft tall in this favourite from Mr. BIG (who got the idea by reversing THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN). The bald, almost naked giant sleeps in a circus tent and wears an expandable sarong. He slowly loses his mind and attacks Las Vegas. The military try to administer an antidote in a huge hypodermic needle (built by Paul Blaisdell, trivia fans), but he falls in the Hoover Dam. With James Seay, Frank Jenks, Russ Bender, Hank Patterson and Edmund Cobb. It’s a classic of oddball cinema, always on the edge of self-parody, but never quite crossing over, creating a fascinating pulp tension. I like when he tries to read a book and use a phone the best! WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST followed.

THE AMAZING DR. JEKYLL See: EROTIC DR. JEKYLL

THE AMAZING EXPLOITS OF THE CLUTCHING HAND (1936 US) D: ALBERT HERMAN W: LEON D’USSEAU/DALLAS FITZGERALD/EDDIE GRANEMANN/ GEORGE M. MERRICK P: LOUIS WEISS The mysterious hooded villain of this b/w serial “in 15 thunderbolt chapters” is always seen in silhouette in his hideout lab. Jack Mulhall is the hero trying to foil his plans to develop synthetic gold. Unfortunately a great title does not a good serial make, and this must be one of the most boring serials ever made, with some terrible cliffhangers. A condensed feature version may be less of a chore, but I doubt it. With William Farnum, Yakima Canutt, Marion Schilling, Mae Busch, Jon Hall, Robert Frazer, Rex Lease, Tom Mix’s daughter Ruth, Franklyn Farnum, Bryant Washburn, Gaston Glass, Robert Walker, Reed Howes, Frank Leigh, George Morrell, Bob Kotmann, Mahlon Hamilton, Joseph W. Giraird, Gordon Griffith, Roger Williams, Richard Alexander, Milburn Morante, William Desmond, John Elliott, Olin Francis, Eddie Parker, Henry Hall, John Ince, Tom London, Carl Mathews, Bull Montana, “Snub” Pollard, Pascale Perry and Slim Whitaker.

AMAZING GRACE AND CHUCK (silent voice) (1987 US) D: MIKE NEWELL W/P: DAVID FIELD A young schoolboy on the baseball team refuses to play any more unless the world disarms its nuclear arsenal. Athletes around the world unite and join him in this pretty silly (and very long) flop that’s more fun to read about than actually watch. With Jamie Lee Curtis, Gregory Peck, William L. Peterson, Red Averbach, Michael Bowen, and Dennis Lipscomb. Ted Turner was an executive producer of this CNN-backed feature.

THE AMAZING MR. NO LEGS (mr. no legs) (1975 US) D: RICOU BROWNING W: JACK COWDEN P: GEORGE ROBERTS After a cop’s sister is accidentally killed by a heroin pusher, his partner (Richard Jaeckel) goes after kingpins Lloyd Bochner and a guy with no legs who has shotguns mounted on his wheelchair. The no legs guy also does push-ups and uses martial arts in the most memorable scene. John Agar is a police chief who turns out to be a villain and is involved in a long car chase finale. With Rance Howard, Luke Halperin and a dwarf. This obscurity is awful, but will be enjoyed by fans of bad cinema (and has a great title).

THE AMAZING MR. X (the spiritualist) (1948 US) D: BERNARD VORHAUS W: MURIEL ROY BOLTON/IAN McLELLAN HUNTER/CRANE WILBUR P: BENJAMIN STOLOFF Lynn Bari is duped by a fake “psychic consultant” (Turhan Bey) who convinces her that her late husband is trying to contact her. Her current man and her friends try to expose him in this slow, creaky mystery that has not aged well (although I suspect it wasn’t very exciting when it was new, either). The best thing about it is John Alton’s moody b/w photography. With Norma Varden.

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (spider-man) (1977 US) D: E.W. SWACKHAMER W: ALVIN BORETZ P: EDWARD MONTAGNE This is the pilot movie for a tv series that starred Nicholas Hammond as Peter Parker, a college student journalist wannabe who’s bitten by a radioactive spider. He suddenly has the ability to climb walls and builds himself a web-slinging device. The main villain in this one is a guy who manipulates innocent people into committing bank robberies with mind control. Sometimes the FX combined with stuntwork that make it look like Spidey is climbing up the side of a building is incredible, other times it looks very ropey and transparent. With Michael Pataki, Thayer David and David White. Other episodes of the tv series were stitched together to form the fake features SPIDER-MAN STRIKES BACK and SPIDER-MAN: THE DRAGON’S CHALLENGE. The Marvel Comics character, of course, later returned to the mainstream on a much bigger scale.

THE AMAZING TRANSPARENT MAN (1960 US) D: EDGAR G. ULMER W: JACK LEWIS P: LESTER D. GUTHRIE Professional safe-cracker Douglas Kennedy is sprung from of prison by James Griffith, who wants him to rob some A-bomb materials for him. Griffith also has in his employ an ex-Nazi scientist (Ivan Triesault) with an invisibility ray, which is to be used on Kennedy. Typical of Ulmer, this b/w one hour programmer zips along at a fine pace and manages to flesh out its premise in an offbeat way. Occasionally laughable but always interesting. It was shot back to back (in Texas mostly) with BEYOND THE TIME BARRIER.

THE AMAZING TRANSPLANT (1970 US) D/W/P: “LOUIS SILVERMAN”/“DAWN WHITMAN” (DORIS WISHMAN) A confused young man seems to have schizophrenic tendencies and commits rape whenever he sees shiny earrings. Uncle is a cop who conducts interviews that have lengthy flashbacks (providing the sex scenes). An illegal penis transplant is to blame. It’s another unique Wishman wonder. With Kim Pope. Wishman made DEADLY WEAPONS and DOUBLE AGENT ’73 next.

AMAZON (2001) See: ARACHNID

AMAZON COMMANDO See: GOLDEN QUEEN’S COMMANDO

AMAZON GOLDEN TEMPLE See: LES GLUITONES 2

AMAZONIA: THE CATHERINE MILES STORY (white slave; forest slave; captive women 7) (1984 ITL) D: “ROY GARRETT” (MARIO GARIAZZO) W: FRANCO PROSPERI A young woman travels down the Amazon with her parents. Drug dealers kill mam and dad and she ends up captive to a primitive jungle tribe. Eventually she gains their respect and becomes one of them. Years later she uses her survival skills to decapitate drug-dealing villains in London. This odd little exploitation item is strangely enjoyable. I suspect it’s based (minus the revenge part) on the book Yanoama: The Narrative of a White Girl Kidnapped by Amazonian Indians (as told to Ettore Biocca).

AMAZON JAIL (curral de mulheres) (1982 BRZ) D/W: OSVALDO DE OLIVIERA P: ALFREDO PALACIOS/ ARY FERNANDES Pretty typical women-inprison potboiler has abused women escaping from their cages and trying to escape through the jungle. Prior to this they have to service clients and put up with the usual dyke warden. With Mauricio do Valle, Elizabeth Hartmann, Sergio Hingst and a comic relief camp black cook. From the director of BARE BEHIND BARS (1980).

AMAZONS IN THE TEMPLE OF GOLD See: GOLDEN TEMPLE AMAZONS

AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON (1985 US) D: JOHN LANDIS/JOE DANTE/CARL GOTTLIEB/PETER HORTON D/P: ROBERT K. WEISS W: MICHAEL BARRIE/ JIM MULHOLLAND Here’s a sequel to the overrated, unfunny KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE. It’s funnier than its precursor (despite having many lame segments) but wasn’t released for two years. My favourite part was Ed Begley Jr. as The Invisible Man. Henry Silva presents Bullshit or Not?. With Sybil Danning, William Marshall, Russ Meyer, Arsenio Hall, Monique Gabrielle, Lou Jacobi, Michelle Pfeiffer, Dick Miller, Jenny Agutter, Griffin Dunee, Steve Forrest, Lana Clarkson, Steve Guttenberg, Rosanna Arquette, Kelly Preston, Angel Tompkins, Corrine Wahl, Ralph Bellamy, Howard Hesseman, Andrew Dice Clay, Joey Travolta, Keenan Ivory Wayans, B.B. King, Forrest J. Ackerman, Steve Allen, Henry Youngman, Jackie Vernon, Rip Taylor, Slappy White, Charlie Callas, Carrie Fisher, Mike Mazurski, Paul Bartel, Phil Hartman, Joe Pantoliano, William Bryant, Phil Proctor, Bryan Cranston, Robert Picardo, Marc McClure, Herb Vigran, Huey Lewis, Robert Loggia and footage of Bela Lugosi. Theatrical, video and tv versions differ, so the cast may change a little from version-to-version. Enough laughs for a drunken good time.

AMBUSH! (the scavengers; rebel vixens; the grabbers; renegade raiders) (1969 US) D: R.L. FROST W/P: BOB CRESSE A racist Confederate army captain leads his small, starving troop of soldiers to a small town in Tennessee and refuses to acknowledge that the war is over. They go after yankee gold and because this is an “adults only” release, have sex with willing and unwilling women (THE GRABBERS was a more explicit version of this). This very confused and cheap-looking western condemns the racism on one hand, but then portrays blacks as stupid, uncaring mob-minded killers (and cannibals)! There’s a WILD BUNCH inspired slo-mo massacre and Frost and Cresse (who made the more famous LOVE CAMP 7 the same year) have parts. With Wes Bishop, Paul Hunt and James K. Shea (PLANET OF DINOSAURS).

AMERICAN BORN (black guns) (1991 US) D/W: RAYMOND MARTINO W: ADDISON RANDALL P: RICHARD PEPIN/JOSEPH MERHI More crap from PM (formerly City Lights) video. A young man in a clichéd Italian American small-time mobster family is obsessed with classic gangster movies on tv. After his pizza-making dad is killed, he flips his lid and acts like an old style gangster while out for revenge. With Joey (and Sam) Travolta. The opening gangster movie recreation is awful. Martino later made the Anna Nichole Smith vehicle TO THE LIMIT.

AMERICAN CANNIBAL See: SNUFF

AMERICAN CYBORG: STEEL WARRIOR (1994 US) D/W: BOAZ DAVIDSON W: BRENT V. FRIEDMAN/BILL CROUNSE/DON PEQUINGNOT/CHRISTPHER PEARCE P: MATI RAZ In a post-nuke future America ruled by cyborgs, a woman must get her baby (a live fetus in a jar) to the port across the city where a ship will take it to Europe to start a new race. John P. Ryan is a leather-clad killer cyborg on her trail. Joe Lara is the heroic long-haired drifter who protects her. This Cannon release sucks.

AMERICAN DRIVE-IN (1985 US) D/W/P: KRISHNA SHAW W: DAVID ALLEN BALL Various characters (including dwarf Phil Fondacaro) go to a drive-in to watch HARD ROCK ZOMBIES (from the same filmmakers, and also with Fondacaro). Teens have sex and a cop uses his family to help him bust a drug ring. It ends with a raped girl wanting vengeance. It’s an awful comedy. Look for Danny Nucci in his debut.

AMERICAN EAGLE See: DEADLY ENCOUNTER

THE AMERICAN FRIEND (der amerikanische freund; l’ami americain) (1976 W.GER FRA US) D/W: WIM WENDERS P: JOACHIM VON MENGERSHAUSEN Bruno Ganz is a frame-maker and art restorer with a terminal blood disease living with his wife and child in Hamburg. Dennis Hopper has one of the finest roles of his career as an international art dealer dealing in fakes (made by Nicholas Ray) who first sets up Ganz as a hitman for gangsters and then later becomes his friend and helps him out. It’s based on Patricia Highsmith’s novel Ripley’s Game. Wenders is a fascinating filmmaker who has the rare talent of being able to capture the sublime nature of this kind of story and put it up on screen in the most hypnotic and engrossing way. Not all of his films have success with the formula, but this classic certainly does and is deservedly one of his most admired works. With Sam Fuller, David Blue, Lisa Kreuzer, Gerard Blain, Rudolf Schundler, Lou Castel and Wenders himself. Tom Ripley (Hopper’s character) was also the focus of other movies: PURPLE NOON (1960), THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY (1999), RIPLEY’S GAME (2002) and WHITE ON WHITE (2005). Highsmith also wrote the novel on which Hitchcock’s STRANGERS ON A TRAIN was based.

AMERICAN GIGOLO (1980 US) D/W: PAUL SCHRADER P: JERRY BRUCKHEIMER Richard Gere (at his best, not blinking a lot) is an arrogant, ambitious high class prostitute in LA kept by rich women. Lauren Hutton is the woman fascinated with him and whom he eventually falls in love with. He’s framed for a sex murder in this carefully crafted PICKPOCKET rewrite. With Bill Duke, Hector Elizondo, Macdonald Carey, Blondie and Giorgio Moroder’s Call Me as a signature tune, a billboard poster for THE WARRIORS and deliberately anemic sex scenes. Moreorless remade by Schrader as THE WALKER (2007).

AMERICAN GOTHIC (1995–1996 US) D: LOU ANTONIO/ MIKE BINDER/JIM CHARLESTON/JAMES A. CONTNER/MEL DAMSKI/JAMES FRAWLEY/BRUCE SETH GREEN/MICHAEL KATLEMAN/ELODIE KEENE/ MICHAEL LANGE/DOUG LEFLER/NICK MARCK/PETER O’FALLON/OZ SCOTT D/W: MICHAEL NANKIN W: DAVID CHISHOLM/JOHN CORK/STEPHEN GAGAN/ MICHAEL R. PERRY P: SHAUN CASSIDY/DAVID EICK/ EDWARD LEDDING Only 22 episodes of this intriguing and above average tv horror series were made. Set in a small South Carolina town where Gary Cole is a mysterious, maybe demonic Sheriff who everyone is indebted to, it has quite the cult following and at the time of writing there are reports that it might return. Created by Shaun Cassidy for executive producers Sam Raimi and Robert G. Tapert, the other regulars were Lucas Black, Paige Turco, Jake Weber, Brenda Bakke and Nick Searcy. Some guest stars were Arnold Vosloo, N’Bushe Wright, Muse Watson, Bruce Campbell, Mark Joy, Matt Craven, Richard Edson, William Morgan Sheppard, Pat Hingle, Veronica Cartwright, Ted Raimi and James Frawley.

AMERICAN HUNTER (lethal hunter) (1987 INDO) D: ARIAZ P: GOPE T. SAMTANI Everyone is after some microfilm with some important info on it (no idea what). It’s up to Chris Mitchum (in one of several Indonesian flicks he did through the 80s) to stop them. Bill “Superfoot” Wallace is pretty amusing as the main villain (who kills henchman Mike Abbott for laughing at his chimpanzee). With plenty of outrageous action, impressive stunts, explosions, bad dialogue, car chases, and the dreaded shaving torture (!), it’s pretty entertaining junk. “Peter O’Brian” (star of RAMBU and THE STABILIZER) is Tom Selleck (!). Mitchum was in the same director’s FINAL SCORE (1986).

AMERICAN KICKBOXER 1 (1992 US) D: FRANS NEL W: EMIL KOLBE P: ANANT SINGH John Barrett is a disgraced ex-kick-boxing champion who goes to prison for accidentally killing a man. While training his friend, he returns to fight an arrogant foreign champ arsehole. The other main character is an irritating, wisecracking sports journalist. Terrible, with nothing to recommend it. With Keith Vitali. It was filmed in South Africa. An unrelated sequel with a different star was called AMERICAN KICKBOXER 2: TO THE DEATH, which makes things confusing as the “official” sequel (with Barrett) was called TO THE DEATH (both 1993).

AMERICAN MULLET (the mullet chronicles) (2001 US) D/W/P: JENNIFER ARNOLD W: MATTHEW BOSE P: ALLISON HEBBLE This 52 mins documentary takes a look at the mullet haircut in modern-day North America. We learn that several magazine articles and even a book have been written on the phenomenon. We also discover that the mullet can be worn by lesbians, native Indian descendants trying to mix heritage with good business looks, Mexican lotharios and the expected stereotyped white trash types. I liked the guy who collects mullets and sends them to kids with cancer (!) to wear as a wig. I started to scoff at the beginning of this doc at both the small-minded individuals who thought the haircut was a “statement” and at the filmmakers for dwelling too much on these pretentious folk, but ended up really enjoying myself. I would still never dream of having a mullet though.

AMERICAN NIGHTMARE (1981 CAN) D: DON McBREARTY W: JOHN SHEPPARD/STEVEN BLAKE/ JOHN GAULT P: RAY SAGER A psycho is cutting up hookers with a razor in this dark, dreary slasher movie filmed in Toronto. A classical pianist searches for his dead sister (Alexander Paul) in HARDCORE-like scenes of urban depravity. Michael Ironside (still with some hair left) is a cop. With Michael Copeman. It was the first of many produced in Canada by THE WIZARD OF GORE actor Sager.

AMERICAN NIGHTMARE (1984) See: COMBAT SHOCK

THE AMERICAN NIGHTMARE (2000 US) D/W: ADAM SIMON P: PAULA JALFON/COLIN MacCABE/ JONATHAN SEHRING This documentary is only just over 70 mins long and covers films that you probably think have been analysed to death, but manages to take a fresh look at key horror classics and accurately places them in the social and political climate from which they were subconsciously inspired. The main titles covered are NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, TEXAS CHAIN SAW, DAWN OF THE DEAD, SHIVERS and HALLOWEEN (this last one seems out of place and isn’t really dwelt on much). Interviewees include George A. Romero, Tom Savini (who talks about reallife gore in ’nam), Wes Craven, Tobe Hooper, John Landis, David Cronenberg and John Carpenter. Illuminating sequences pointing out parallels between anti-civil rights violence and the redneck hunters in NOTLD are major spoilers if you haven’t already seen the movie. The music is by Karlheinz Stockhausen and God Speed You Black Emperor. Simon also made the Sam Fuller documentary THE TYPEWRITER, THE RIFLE AND THE MOVIE CAMERA (1996).

AMERICAN NINJA (1985 US) D: SAM FIRSTENBERG W: PAUL DE MIELCHE/JAMES R. SILKE/GIDEON AMIR/AVI KLEINBERGER P: YORAM GLOBUS/ MEHANEM GOLAN Michael Dudikoff is the new loner G.I. on a military base in the Philippines. Drug dealers on the island have an army of ninjas to keep snoopers at bay. Dudikoff eventually discovers that he was raised by an old Japanese guy and was taught in the ways of the ninja! Ridiculous stuff, but not ridiculous enough to be any more entertaining than routine action rubbish. With Steve James and Richard Norton. From Cannon, whom Firstsenberg directed the more entertaining NINJA 3 for.

AMERICAN NINJA 2: THE CONFRONTATION (1987 US) D: SAM FIRSTENBERG W: GARY CONWAY/ JAMES BOOTH P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS Michael Dudikoff (in too much makeup again) and Steve James return to defeat ninjas created by screenwriter Conway (who starred in I WAS A TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN) to protect his heroin factory on a Caribbean island. With Larry Poindexter. If you enjoyed the first entry in the Cannon series, go right ahead and waste your time on this one, too.

AMERICAN NINJA 3: BLOOD HUNT (1989 US) D/W: CEDRIC SUNDSTROM W: GARY CONWAY P: HARRY ALAN TOWERS David Bradley takes over from Michael Dudikoff in this typically silly Cannon sequel for ninja completists only. Marjoe Gotner (!) is the villain with deadly germ warfare capabilities and, of course, ninjas. Bradley teams up with Steve James to stop him and avenge the death of brother. It was filmed in South Africa. With John Barrett and Yehuda Efroni.

AMERICAN NINJA 4: THE ANNIHILATION (black force) (1990 US) D: CEDRIC SUNDSTROM W: DAVID GEENES P: CHRISTOPHER PEARCE Penultimate entry in this bonehead Cannon action series which always features a villain (James Booth and some clichéd Arabs in this case) with his own army of colourcoded ninjas (which don’t act anything like ninjas, but the gimmick sells more tapes than regular nonhooded mercs it seems). This one is set (and was also shot in) South Africa. David Bradley (who starred in part 3) gets captured, and Michael Dudikoff (the star of the first two) rescues him. With Ken Gampu. Avi Lerner was the executive producer of this lousy dreck. Previous entries had some comedic value, but it’s beginning to wear very thin indeed.

AMERICAN NINJA 5 (1993 US) D: BOBBY JEAN LEONARD W: GEORGE SAUNDERS/JOHN BRYANT HEDBERG/GREG LATTER P: OVIDIO G. ASSONITIS/ CAUPOLICAN DUALLES There’s a family feel this time around, as Bradley and a teen boy use ninjitsu skills to rescue a girl kidnapped by bad guys who want to develop and sell a powerful insecticide to the military. The results are only appropriate viewing if you really hate your family. With Pat Morita, James Lew and Tadashi Yamashita. Last in the series, but there was also AMERICAN SAMURAI (you lucky people).

AMERICAN NINJA: THE MAGNIFICENT See: NINJA OF THE MAGNIFICENCE

AMERICAN OUTLAWS (2001 US) D: LES MAYFIELD W: RODERICK TAYLOR P: BILL GERBER/JAMES G. ROBINSON Dull western concentrates more on drama than action as it tells the tale of a post-Civil War Jesse James (Colin Farrell) and Frank James (Gabriel Macht) trying to keep their land from being bought for a railway line. With Scott Caan, Ali Larter, Harris Yulin, Kathy Bates, Gregory Smith, Timothy Dalton, Ronny Cox, Terry O’Quinn, Nathaniel Arcand, Joe Stevens, Muse Watson and Jeremy Denzlinger.

AMERICAN PIE (1999 US) D: PAUL WEITZ D/P: CHRIS WEITZ (uncredited) W: ADAM HERZ P: CHRIS MOORE/CRAIG PERRY/WARREN ZIDE It was nice to see that this update of the PORKY’S-inspired sex comedies of the 80s was a hit, and it’s likeable and funny too. The plot is simplicity itself. High school seniors try to get laid. With Jason Biggs, Shannon Elizabeth, Alyson Hannigan, Chris Klein, Natasha Lyonne, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Tara Reid, Seann William Scott, Mena Suvari, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Eugene Levy, Jennifer Coolidge, Chris Owen, Clyde Kusatsu, Lawrence Pressman, John Cho, Monica McSwain, Blink 182, James DeBello and Casey Affleck.

AMERICAN PIE 2 (american summer story) (2001 US) D: JAMES B. ROGERS W: ADAM HERZ/DAVID H. STEINBERG P: CHRIS MOORE/CRAIG PERRY/ WARREN ZIDE Biggs, Elizabeth, Hannigan, Klein, Lyonne, Nicholas, Reid, Scott, Suvari, Thomas, Levy, Owen, Affleck, Coolidge and Cho all return in this equally fun and horny sequel. A big party is held to liven up the first summer holiday after college. With Larry Drake, Lee Garlington, Bree Turner, Ernie Lively, Kevin Cooney, Jack Wallace, Robert Peters, Phil Hawn, Herz and Rogers. Parts with Chris Penn were deleted. Herz was an executive producer.

AMERICAN PIE: THE WEDDING (american wedding) (2003 US GERMANY) D: JESSE DYLAN W/P: ADAM HERZ P: CHRIS BENDER/CHRIS MOORE/ CRAIG PERRY/WARREN ZIDE Biggs and Hannigan get married. The formula stays the same, and it works for a fun enough end to the trilogy. With January Jones, Fred Willard, Lawrence Pressman and Alexis Thorpe joining the regulars. Direct to video sequels and AMERICAN REUNION (2012) followed.

AMERICAN PIMP (1999 US) D/P: ALBERT AND ALLEN HUGHES P: KEVIN J. MESSICK After MENACE II SOCIETY and DEAD PRESIDENTS, the Hughes Bros made this documentary about pimping in America. Lots of real-life pimps and prostitutes are interviewed and some revelations are pretty interesting, but it doesn’t really dig very deep. Good, but I couldn’t help thinking it could have been so much better. Topics covered include pimp style, the history of pimping, the media image of pimps and “legal pimps”. Some of the movie clips are from THE MACK and WILLIE DYNAMITE (1973). Worth it for footage from the real Pimp of the Year convention.

AMERICAN PSYCHO (2000 US CAN) D/W: MARY HARRON W: GUINEVERE TURNER P: CHRISTIAN HALSEY SOLOMON/CHRIS HANLEY/EDWARD R. PRESSMAN Based on Bret Easton Ellis’ novel, this critically acclaimed adaptation set in 1980s New York City may require repeat viewings. The first time I enjoyed it up until an irritating ending that seemed to ruin everything. However watching it a second time you realise you’re watching a completely different movie, and a brilliant one. It’s kind of difficult to explain much else without giving anything away. Suffice to say that Christian Bale is dynamite in the lead as a yuppie with a desperate need to excel and fit in (and really bad musical taste). Homicidal tendencies also lurk. With Willem Dafoe, Jared Leto, Reese Witherspoon, Chloe Sevigny, Justin Theroux, Josh Lucas, Bill Sage and Samantha Mathis. Adrzej Sekula was the cinematographer. Harron had previously made I SHOT ANDY WARHOL. There was an unrelated sequel.

AMERICAN PSYCHO 2: ALL AMERICAN GIRL (2002 CAN US) D: MORGAN J. FREEMAN W: ALEX SANGER/KAREN CRAIG P: ERNIE BARBARASH Direct-to-video follow up stars Mila Kunis (from the Ukraine) as an ambitious student at an University in Washington (actually Ontario) who’s taking a special course in serial-killer detection. She badly wants to be the teaching assistant of ex-FBI tracker professor William Shatner, a means of entering the Bureau. This is more cartoonish and formulaic than the original, with which it tries to make tenuous links. But it doesn’t work as a sequel nor a movie in its own right because it’s too damn irritating. With Geraint Wyn Davies, Robin Dunne, Lindy Booth, Kim Poirier, Kim Schraner, Philip Williams, Neil Crone and Boyd Banks.

AMERICAN SAMURAI (ninja: american samurai) (1992 US) D: SAM FIRSTENBERG W: JOHN CORCORAN P: ALLAN GREENBLATT A plane crash-lands in a remote area of Japan. The son of American parents is rescued from the wreckage by John Fujioka, and raised in the ways of the Samurai. David Bradley (from Cannon’s similar, silly AMERICAN NINJA series) plays the grown-up kid, now a journalist on assignment in Istanbul. His disgraced yakuza half-brother (Mark Dacascos, who’s awful and actually hisses at one point like a pantomime villain!) steals a sacred sword from him, and blackmails him into fighting in a to-the-death underground arena tournament. Some of the other contestants dress like Vikings and ancient warriors. In its uncut state (it was originally cut for an R rating) there’s some gorier than usual deaths that make this brainless action movie more fun than most after a few beers. The screenwriter used to edit Inside Kung-Fu magazine.

AMERICAN SHAOLIN (king of the kickboxers 2; karate tiger 5; no retreat, no surrender 5) (1992 US) D: LUCAS LOWE W/P: KEITH W. STRANDBERG An American martial arts student goes to China to become a Shaolin monk. He teaches them rock’n’roll and how to act with girls. This very silly movie has Ng See Yuen for an executive producer.

AMERICAN SUMMER STORY See: AMERICAN PIE 2

AMERICAN VIOLENCE See: THE KILLING OF AMERICA

AMERICAN WEDDING See: AMERICAN PIE: THE WEDDING

AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981 UK US) D/W: JOHN LANDIS P: GEORGE FOLSEY JR. David Naughton and Griffin Dunne are attacked by a werewolf while backpacking on the Yorkshire Moors. Dunne is killed and later returns to inform Naughton that he will soon become a werewolf himself (which he does, thanks to Rick Baker’s groundbreaking, awardwinning FX). This enjoyable horror comedy has nice London location work and a very funny scene in a cinema involving Naughton’s victims, but is not the classic people often remember it to be (and the ending isn’t so good). With Jenny Agutter as Naughton’s lover, Brian Glover, Rik Mayall, Alan Ford, Frank Oz and Landis. …IN PARIS was the late, crappy sequel.

AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS (fanguruf; le loup garou de paris) (1997 US UK NETH FRA LUX) D/W: ANTHONY WALLER W: TIM BURNS/TOM STERN P: RICHARD CLAUS This lame sequel copies elements from the original in a bad way. Tom Everett Scott is the tourist who saves suicidal Julie Delpy’s life. She repays the favor by introducing him to the world of the werewolf. With Vince Vieluf, Tom Novembre, Thiery Lhermite, David F. Friedman (!) and Waller. Marco Brambilla was originally set to direct.

AMIN: THE RISE AND FALL (the rise and fall of idi amin) (1981 UK KEN) D/P: SHARAD PATEL W: WADE HUIE P: CHRISTOPHER SUTTON This exploitation favourite stars Joseph Olita (who’s great) as the infamous 70s Ugandan dictator who went so far as to eat parts of his enemies. Violence and exploitation aside, it’s a pretty good film (filmed in Kenya). With Geoffrey Keen.

AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION (1982 US ITL) D: DAMIANO DAMIAMI W: TOMMY LEE WALLACE P: IRA N. SMITH/STEPHEN R. GREENWALD This is by far the best and most interesting of the Amityville series. It’s actually a prequel about the original Amityville murders, based on Hans Holzer’s book Murder in Amityville. Burt Young is great as the abusive father of the new family moving into the creepy house. Jack Magner is the teenage son who gets possessed by a demon (it speaks to him through his Walkman) and guns down his family during the night. James Olson (THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN) is the priest trying to save his soul. While it’s not a great horror film, parts are effectively scary, and it doesn’t deserve to be slated along with all the other lame entries. With Rutanya Alda, Andrew Prine, Diane Franklin and Moses Gunn. There’s some nice FX too. As well as the expected EXORCIST “inspired” moments, you may notice similarities (certain camera tricks for example) with THE EVIL DEAD (from the same year). Damiani also made the political spaghetti western A BULLET FOR THE GENERAL in 1966. Screenwriter Wallace directed another underrated sequel (in name only) the same year, HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH.

AMITYVILLE 3: THE DEMON (1983 US) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: DAVID AMBROSE/WILLIAM WALES P: STEPHEN F. KESTEN Tony Roberts buys the famous house in this lame sequel. The usual stuff happens, but it’s very tame after the previous entry. With Tess Harper, Candy Clark, Robert Joy, John Beal, Lori Loughlin and Meg Ryan. It was originally in 3D. Even worse sequels followed, beginning with PART 4.

AMITYVILLE: A NEW GENERATION (1993 US) D: JOHN MURLOWSKI W/P: CHRIS DeFARIA W: ANTONIO M. TORO Another useless sequel. One of those big loft apartment buildings full of arty types becomes a murder scene after a big old mirror is brought into it. The mirror preempts the murders by revealing how victims will die. With Julia Nickson-Soul, David Naughton as the super, Terry O’Quinn as a cop, Richard Roundtree as a sculptor, Lin Shaye, Tom Wrght and Robert Harvey. The mirror is from Amityville by the way, you’re likely to fall asleep before finding out so I’ve saved you the bother of watching. AMITYVILLE: DOLLHOUSE (1996) was another entry.

THE AMITYVILLE CURSE (1988 CAN) D: TOM BERRY W: MICHAEL KRUEGER/NORVELL ROSE/ DOUG OLSON P: FRANCO BATTISTA This is not an entry in the official Amityville series and is based on a book by Hans Holzer (he also wrote the book on which AMITYVILLE 2 was based). A bunch of yuppies move into the house and start to die. The house turns out to have been renovated from an old rectory where a priest was killed. It’s not good. With Kim Coates, Jan Rubes, Ted A. Bohus (THE REGENERATED MAN), Mark Camacho and Tyrone Benskin.

THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979 US) D: STUART ROSENBERG W: SANDOR STERN P: ELLIOT GEISINGER/ RONALD SALAND James Brolin and Margot Kidder move their family into the supposedly haunted Long Island house. Strange, scary things happen to the family, but the viewer is left unthrilled despite some occasionally creepy moments. Rod Steiger is the local priest. With Don Stroud, James Tolkan, Murray Hamilton, Helen Shaver, Hank Garrett and Val Avery. Based on Jay Anson’s “non-fiction” novel, it was a runaway hit (setting some kind of record for an independent production at the time) so sequels followed, beginning with AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION. There was a tedious remake in 2005.

THE AMITYVILLE HORROR: THE EVIL ESCAPES, PART 4 (1989 US) D/W: SANDOR STERN P: BARRY BERNARDI This is even more boring than the third entry. A family buys a horrible looking lamp from an Amityville garage sale (!) and it possesses their house. With Patty Duke, Jane Wyatt, Alex Rebar and John De Bello. AMITYVILLE 1992 was next.

AMITYVILLE 1992: IT’S ABOUT TIME (1992 US) D: TONY RANDEL W/P: CHRISTOPHER DeFARIA W: ANTONIO TORO/JOHN G. JONES Architect Stephen Macht brings home a loud, ugly clock from the Amityville place. He and his daughter (Megan Ward) start acting weird and the house gets evil. But girlfriend Shawn Weatherly and the teen son don’t seem to be effected. Nita Talbot is a neighbour who figures it out, but she’s impaled on a penguin replica that falls off a truck. There’s some silly FX deaths and Dick Miller can be briefly seen putting out a hedge on fire. Pretty boring. AMITYVILLE: A NEW GENERATION followed.

AMOK TRAIN See: BEYOND THE DOOR 3

AMONG VULTURES See: FRONTIER HELLCAT

AMOROUS SISTERS See: SIX SWEDES ON A CAMPUS

AMOS & ANDREW (1993 US) D/W: E. MAX FRYE P: GARY GOETZMAN Scholar, playwright and “thorn in the white man’s side” Samuel L. Jackson is mistaken for a burglar while moving into his new home on an island community. Dabney Coleman is a racist cop worried about his public image who sends in (and then double-crosses) white trash petty criminal Nicolas Cage to pretend to take Jackson hostage after the situation gets out of control. This ill-advised and simplistic comedy about racism is named after a couple of white blackface comedians (and later genuine blacks who took over the roles) who were wildly popular through the 1920s to the 60s. A genuine Amos’n’Andy feature is CHECK AND DOUBLE CHECK (from 1931). It’s more interesting than this. With Brad Dourif, Tracey Walter, Giancarlo Esposito, Michael Burgess, Loretta Devine, Bob Balaban and Aimee Graham. Frye wrote SOMETHING WILD and Jonathan Demme was the executive producer here.

THE AMPUTEE (1974 US) D/W/P: DAVID LYNCH The last of the shorts Lynch made prior to ERASERHEAD. Nine b/w mins of a woman with no legs (played by Catherine Coulson, later the log lady on TWIN PEAKS) writing a letter. We hear what she is thinking on the soundtrack. A nurse (Lynch himself) cleans her stumps, which soon start spurting blood. He runs away. She doesn’t notice.

AMSTERDAMNED (1988 NETH) D/W/P: DICK MAAS P: LAUREN S. GEELS A scarred killer stalks the canals of Amsterdam in a scuba diving suit. Huub Stapel stars as the cop who tries to catch him. While not a great film, it is different, pretty exciting (with a good speedboat chase) and quite memorable. From the director of THE LIFT (1983).

AMUCK (hot bed of sex; leather and whips; alla vicera del piacere; replica di un delitto) (1972 ITL) D: SILVIO AMADIO P: ITALO ZINGARELLI Barbara Bouchet gets the position of typist for respected author Farley Granger, a ruse to try to find out what happened to her friend who disappeared while working there. Granger and his wife Rosalba Neri are kinky swingers who know Bouchet is spying on them, and enjoy the extra thrill of introducing her to their world of sex parties. This erotic mystery set in Venice is neither sexy or intriguing. With Umberto Raho.

THE AMY FISHER STORY (beyond control) (1992 US) D: ANDY TENNANT W/P: JANET BROWNELL P: GEORGE W. PERKINS One of three very boring tv movies about the media phenomenon that was Amy Fisher (she tried to kill her lover’s wife). She’s played here by Drew Barrymore. It’s marginally better than LETHAL LOLITA and CASUALTIES OF LOVE (from around the same time).

ANACONDA (1997 US BRZ PERU) D: LUIS LLOSA W: HANS BAUER/JIM CASH/JACK EPPS JR. P: VERNA MARRAH/CAROLE LITTLE/LEONARD RABINOWITZ Eric Stoltz (who spends most of the movie in a coma), Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Jonathan Hyde, Owen Wilson and Kari Wurher are a documentary film crew on a boat deep in the Amazon basin. They encounter hammy Jon Voight and a giant anaconda (an ill-fitting CGI monster). Pretty bad, but watchable when I saw it in a theatre. With Danny Trejo. ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE RED ORCHID (2004) and two other direct-to-tv titles (2008 and 2009) followed.

ANACONDA 2 See: KING COBRA (1998)

ANATOMY (anatomie) (2000 GER) D/W: STEFAN RUZOWITSKY P: JAKOB CLAUSSEN/THOMAS WOEBKE/ ANDREA WILSON Brilliant young medical student Franka Potente discovers that the prestigious Heidelberg medical university is involved with a very old anti-Hippocratic Oath Illuminati-style cult that murders innocent people in order to further medical studies by experimenting on their bodies. This solid conspiracy thriller/horror movie may be somewhat derivative, but is much better than most other recent teen-appeal slasher flicks. With Anna Loos, Sebastian Blomberg, Benno Furmann, Oliver K. Wnuk, Arndt Scwering-Sohnray, Rudiger Vogler, Barbara M. Ahren, Werner Dissel, Simon Schwarz, Christoph Hagen Dittmann, hip-hop artist Sabrina Setlur and some very impressive plasticized human body cross-section displays. (I once saw such an exhibition — pretty amazing.) A sequel followed in 2003.

ANCIENT EVIL: SCREAM OF THE MUMMY (2000 US) D/W/P: DAVID DeCOTEAU W: MATTHEW JASON WALSH P: DAVID SILBERG/SAM IRVIN Some students resurrect an Aztec mummy at a “university” (looks suspiciously like someone’s house to me) and it, of course, kills the very unlikeable characters (with a sacrificial knife), It’s only about 80 mins long, but seems a hell of a lot longer.

AN ANDALOUSIAN DOG See: UN CHIEN ANDALOU

AND GOD SAID TO CAIN… (cain’s revenge; e dio durie a caino; satan der rache) (1969 ITL W.GER) D/W: “ANTHONY M. DAWSON” (ANTONIO MARGHERITI) W/P: GIOVANNI ADDESSI Chain gang prisoner Klaus Kinski is busy breaking rocks when he’s pardoned for crimes committed prior to the fall of the Confederacy (by someone else). He seeks revenge against the guilty parties in this atmospheric western with horror movie trappings, as Kinski often stalks his prey in the dark (in fact it’s often far too dark). Nothing special, but different and enjoyable enough to be of interest to Eurowestern fans. With Peter Carsten, “Alan Collins” (aka Luciano Pigozzi), Giacoma Furia and Furio Menicomi.

AND NOW YOU’RE DEAD See: ENTER THE EAGLES

ANDROID (1982 US) D: AARON LIPSTADT W: DON KEITH OPPER/JAMES REIGLE/WILL REIGLE P: MARY ANN FISHER Opper (later in the CRITTERS movies) is a lonely android curious about the opposite sex, working on a remote research ship for Dr. Klaus Kinski. He waits to be replaced by a new improved female model (Kendra Kirchner), but everything changes when a trio of criminals (Norbert Weisser, Crofton Hardester and Brie Howard) seek refuge aboard the ship. I guess that maybe BLADE RUNNER was the inspiration, but this cheaper, low-key sci-fi is very different and very good. With producer Fisher, Rachel Talalay and clips from METROPOLIS and IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE. R.J. Kizer, Roger Corman and Barry Opper were executive producers.

ANDROID BUSTERS See: ROBOT HOLOCAUST

ANDROMEDA NEBULA (tumannost andromedy) (1967 SVU) D/W: YEVGENI SHERSTOBITOV W: DMITRI YEUSKIY A manned space-flight is trapped by the strong magnetic pull of an “Iron Star”. The crew land on the surface and discover other downed spacecraft. They have a robot, drive a cool landcruiser and encounter a shadow-like entity that can “eat” crew members through their spacesuits, and doesn’t like light. Meanwhile, Earth of the future is a peaceful Communist utopia that resembles Ancient Greece! Characters discuss the compression of time, and watch satellite images on a huge screen, including a woman dancing in red silhouette against the backdrop of space, 300 years ago!?! The 66 min (jumpy, faded quality) dvd print I saw (it was originally 77) had very badly translated subtitles, so I may be missing something. There’s also a romantic subplot. Confusing as this was, I really dug the evocative alien planet scenes (real pulp fiction art come to life), and the entire movie is visually very impressive. I also liked the scene of recreational trampolining aboard the spaceship (in the background), and the odd soundtrack of repetitive organ stabs. With Sergei Stolyarov, Vija Artmane, Nikolai Kryukov and Gennadi Yukhtin. It’s based on the 1957 novel by Ivan Efremov (1908–1972), a real-life scientist who developed Taphonomy, a fossilisation science in the 1940s. Shot at the Ukrainian Dovzhenko Film Studios, a proposed second part (based on Efremov’s follow up novel The Bull’s Hour) was never made.

THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN (1971 US) D/P: ROBERT WISE W: NELSON GIDDING Based on Michael Crichton’s excellent novel, this no-star, matter-of-fact sci-fi is pretty interesting. When a satellite crash-lands in a small New Mexico village, the inhabitants all die simultaneously with all their blood dried to powder — apart from a new born baby and an old drunk. The majority of the film takes place in a huge underground complex with its own automatic self-destruct system to avoid contamination from leaking, as a team of scientists try to figure out why the survivors survived. With Arthur Hill, David Waynes, James Olson, Kate Ried, Wakter Brooke, Glenn Langan, Emory Parnell, Michael Pataki, Rord Rainey, a Crichton cameo and special photo FX from Douglas Trumbull. One-hundred-and-thirty mins long, but utterly engrossing. THE STRAIN ANDROMEDA is an experimental film from 1992 that runs the film backwards apparently. There was an ill-judged tv miniseries remake in 2008.

AND SOON THE DARKNESS (1970 UK) D: ROBERT FUEST W/P: BRIAN CLEMENS W: TERRY NATION P: ALBERT FENNELL The important core team responsible for the success of The Avengers tv show made this very different thriller in the South of France. Two Brit Nurses are on a cycling trip through rural areas. After a silly argument, one (Michele Dotrice) goes missing, and the other (Pamela Franklin) tries to find her, learns of a previous murder on that stretch of road and can’t work out who to trust. Somewhat dated in terms of guessing the killer’s identity, it’s still an above average film of its genre. With Jean Carmet. Fuest went on to the hit DR. PHIBES movies and the wild THE FINAL PROGRAMME (1973). AND SOON THE DARKNESS was remade in 2010.

AND WHEN SHE WAS BAD… (1973 US) D/W/P: GARY GRAVER This begins with a little girl watching a Max Flesicher cartoon while her mother fucks her stepdad in the other room. Ten years later and the now teenage girl arrives in LA to stay with the stepdad and his alcoholic new girlfriend. The young voyeur seduces the older woman into lesbian sex, rapes a Jehovah’s Witness (“you’re possessed by the devil!”) and accuses the stepfather of rape before strangling him with coal tongs. This dreary feature (with an odd soundtrack that mixes rock with electronic noodling) was directed by a busy cinematographer more well known for his porno.

AND YOU THOUGHT YOUR PARENTS WERE WEIRD (1991 US) D/W: TONY COOKSON P: JUST BETZER Kids should enjoy this sci-fi which has a a couple of brothers (one is Joshua Miller) inventing a vacuum cleaner robot which is possessed by the spirit of their dead scientist dad. With A.J. Langer.

ANDY WARHOL’S BAD (1977 US) D: JED JOHNSON W: GEORGE ABAGNALO/PAT HACKETT P: JEFF TORNBERG Caroll Baker is a mean penny-pinching electrolysist who rents rooms out at her Queens home to female assassins passing through. The one male exception to the rule hangs around while waiting for the word to kill a retarded kid. Also there is stepsister Susan Tyrrell and her baby (who everyone is mean to). The conventional wisdom is that this is like a very poor attempt to emulate a John Waters movie. Whereas I definitely see where that opinion is coming from, I think maybe the comparison is a little unfair, as this film does have its own bad taste identity. But it is very bad, not funny and way too long. I guess the “highlight” is when an infant is thrown from a high-rise, only to splatter on the sidewalk. With Kitty Bruce (Lenny’s daughter), Brigid Berlin and Lawrence Tierney (between Joe Zito films). Some sources claim that it was executive producer Warhol who actually directed it.

ANDY WARHOL’S DRACULA See: BLOOD FOR DRACULA

ANDY WARHOL’S FLESH See: FLESH

ANDY WARHOL’S FRANKENSTEIN See: FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN

ANDY WARHOL’S HEAT See: HEAT (1972) ANDY WARHOL’S YOUNG DRACULA See: BLOOD FOR DRACULA

AND WARHOL’S YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN See: FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN

ANGEL (1983 US) D/W: ROBERT VINCENT O’NEIL W: JOSEPH MICHAEL CALA P: ROY WATTS/DONALD P. BORCHERS Fifteen-year-old high school honor student Molly (Donna Wilkes) also works the streets of Hollywood Boulevard as a hooker named Angel. Lesbian artist Susan Tyrrell and transvestite Dick Shawn are kind of like her guardians. Rory Calhoun is an old-fashioned cowboy who talks about doubling for Tom Mix in the movies. Cliff Gorman is a detective after a serial killer (John Diehl) busy slaughtering prostitutes. It’s not very graphic and the story is really nothing special, but it’s a solid piece of quality exploitation from New World that deserved to be a hit. With Ross Hagen, Mel Carter, Peter Jason, Cala and photography from Andrew Davis. AVENGING ANGEL was the first of three sequels (with different actresses in the lead).

ANGEL DUST (tenshi no kuzu) (1994 JPN) D/W: TOSHIHIRO “SOGO” ISHII W: YOROZU IKUTA P: KENZO HORIKOSHI/EIJI IZUMI/TARO MAKI Young women are being killed by lethal injection every Monday at 6 PM in Tokyo. First on rush-hour trains and then on the streets. Kaho Minami is a police psychologist who used to go out with chief suspect Takeshi Wakamatsu, a doctor who counteracts brainwashing in ex-cult members at his clinic near Mount Fuji. There’s some nice ideas in this, but it’s very slow and too long at nearly two hours. With Etsushi Toyokawa, Junko Takizawa, Tomoroh Taguchi and an occasionally great soundtrack. It was made just after the poisoned gas killings on the Tokyo underground. ANGEL DUST was Ishii’s first feature movie in ten years, since the brilliant CRAZY FAMILY.

ANGEL HEART (1987 US CAN UK) D/W: ALAN PARKER P: ALAN MARSHALL/ELLIOT KOSTNER Brooklyn, New York, 1955, and private detective Harry Angel (Mickey Rourke) is hired by Louis Cyphre (!) (Robert DeNiro) to find a missing former crooner. His investigations lead to a number of sudden, violent deaths, Mambo rituals in New Orleans and dark surprises. In retrospect, this adaptation of William Hjortsberg’s amusingly tongue in cheek noir nightmare novel Fallen Angel is somewhat silly, and far from the modern hybrid-horror classic that many claimed at the time, but it is a fun, atmospheric watch (relocating some of the action to Louisiana was a good idea). With Lisa Bonet (looking fine in sex scenes with Rourke), Charlotte Rampling, Kathleen Wilhoite and Pruitt Taylor Vince. Shot by Michael Seresin. The source novel owes a debt to Cornell Woolrich’s fine 1943 novel The Black Angel (not so much the 1946 movie adaptation of it), and maybe the Harlem of Chester Himes. THE BELIEVERS and WALDO WARREN were other then-recent urban hoodoo thrillers.

ANGEL NUMBER 9 See: ANGEL ON FIRE

ANGEL OF DARKNESS: LIVE ACTION See: SEX BEAST TEACHER (series)

ANGEL OF FEAR See: IT LIVES BY NIGHT

ANGEL OF FURY (blue revenge; lady dragon 2) (1992 INDO) D: DAVID WORTH W: CLIFFORD MOHR P: GOPE T. SAMTANI Cynthia Rothrock is some famous footballer’s wife in Jakarta. Billy Drago leads a trio of thugs (including Sam Jones) who are after some diamonds that her husband has hidden. Drago (who wears a silver hockey mask and twirls a knife around) rapes her, puts him in a wheelchair and later kills him. Rothrock goes out for revenge and looks real stupid trying to be sexy in an obvious curly blonde wig. But it’s Drago who makes this one worth the watch. Always malevolent, he’s on top form here, clapping like an approving child as his cronies trash Rothrock’s expensive furniture. Worth also did the photography and has an acting part.

ANGEL OF VENGEANCE (1981) See: Ms.45

ANGEL ON FIRE (angel number 9) (1974 US) D/W/P: ROBERTA FINDLAY A mean womaniser kicks out his pleading, pregnant girlfriend before being hit by a car. In Heaven he’s transformed into a woman (Darby Lloyd Rains) and returned to Earth. No sooner does he/she begin to enjoy the female orgasm, he/ she falls for an abusive photographer (Jamie Gillis) who treats her like shit (there’s a good, abusive blow-job scene). With Marc Stevens, Eric Edwards, Desiree West and possibly Findlay (apparently). This forgettable hardcore fantasy seems to have been remade as the high profile comedy SWITCH!

ANGELS DIE HARD! (rough boys) (1970 US) D/W: RICHARD COMPTON P: CHARLES BEACH DICKERSON William Smith leads a gang of bikers harassed by the Sheriff and the locals in a small town. It’s the usual story told adequately. Neither the best nor the worst of it’s kind, and I guess high on the list for biker movie enthusiasts. With Tom Baker, R.G. Armstrong, Dan Haggerty and Dickerson.

ANGELS FOR KICKS See: WILD RIDERS

ANGELS FROM HELL (1968 US) D: BRUCE KESSLER W: JEROME WISH P: KURT NEUMANN/JOE SOLOMON Tom Stern is an ex-Marine who returns to reclaim his motorcycle gang by breaking the current president’s leg. There’s the usual biker stuff (runs, brawls, drinking, drugs, cop-bothering) but it’s all very tame. There are attempts at social satire and it’s pretty pro-biker. In one scene the gang is accepted into a movie star and producer’s home only to be intimidated by their lifestyle. With Jack Starrett as a mean cop, Arlene Martel, Ted Markland and Stephen Oliver. It ends with a plea for communication among people with a quote from the Bible. Producer Neumann is most famous for directing THE FLY.

ANGELS OF THE CITY (1989 US) D/W: LAWRENCE HILTON JACOBS W/P: JOSEPH MERHI W: RAYMOND MARTINO P: RICHARD PEPIN Some co-eds have to dress up like hookers and walk the streets to get into a sorority but end up in the middle of a pimp war. Very 80s and very dull early PM release. Also features Jacobs as a cop (and he did some of the music). Pepin was the cinematographer.

THE ANGELS WASH THEIR FACES (1939 US) D: RAY ENRIGHT W: MICHAEL FESSIER/NIVEN BUSCH/ ROBERT BUCKNER/JONATHAN FINN This follow up to ANGELS WITH DIRTY FACES stars the Dead End Kids/East Side Kids (whatever you wanna call them) trying to rescue their institutionalised friend, who’s been framed for arson by some crooked gangsters working for land developers. Ronald Reagan and Ann Sheridan help, with Billy Halop, Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Gabriel Dell, Bobby Jordan, Frankie Thomas (TOM CORBETT, SPACE CADET), Henry O’Neill, Eduardo Ciannelli, Berton Churchill, Dick Rich, Margaret Hamilton, Marjorie Main, Minor Watson, Cy Kendall, Grady Sutton, Robert Strange, Egon Brecher, Sarah Padden, Nat Carr, John Hamilton, Howard C. Hickman, Max Hoffman Jr., Stuart Holmes, William Hopper, Edward Keane, Jack Mower, Garry Owen, Paul Panzer, Lee Phelps, Jack Richardson, John Ridgely, Cliff Saum, Harry Strang, Charles Trowbridge and Tom Wilson. It’s a good social problem/J.D. movie.

ANGELS WITH DIRTY FACES (1938 US) D: MICHAEL CURTIZ W: JOHN WEXLEY/WARREN DUFF/ BEN HECHT (uncredited)/CHARLES MacARTHUR/ RONALD BROWN This classic juvenile delinquent melodrama (with one of the most famous movie endings) stars James Cagney and Pat O’Brien as childhood friends who grow up to become a gangster and a priest. With Humphrey Bogart, Ann Sheridan, George Bancroft, Dead End KIds Billy Halop, Bobby Jordan, Leo Gorcey, Gabriel Dell, Huntz Hall and Bernrad Punsley, Earl Dwire, William Edmunds, Jim Farley, Bud Geary, Mary Gordon, Jack A. Goodrich, Frank Hagney, John Harron, John Hamilton, Harry Hayden, Oscar “Dutch” Hendrian, Al Hill, Ben Hendricks Jr., Robert Homans, Thomas E. Jackson, Donald Kerr, Frank Kowalski, Vera Lewis, Al Lloyd, Vince Lombardi, Wilfred Lucas, Wilbur Mack, Adrian Morris, Wade Boteler, Sidney Bracey, Sonny Bupp, Lane Chandler, Frank Coghlan, Steve Darrell, Joe Devlin, John Dilson, Charles Marsh, Lee Phelps, Belle Mitchell, Carlyle Moore Jr., Jack Mower, Spec O’Donnell, George Offerman, Pat O’Malley, Oscar O’Shea, Emory Parnell, William Pawley, Jack Perrin, Dick Rich, Jeffery Sayre, Ralph Sanford, Jack C. Smith, George Sorel, Dick Wessel, Charle Sullivan, Elliot Sullivan, Charle Trowbridge, Leo White, Lottie Williams, Charles C. Wilson and William Worthington.

ANGEL WARRIORS 2 See: WEREWOLVES ON WHEELS

ANGEL WARS See: SUCKER PUNCH

ANGER IN HIS EYES See: DEATH RAGE

THE ANGRY HILLS (1959 UK) D: ROBERT ALDRICH W: A.I. BEZZERIDES P: RAYMOND STROSS Robert Mitchum is an off-duty soldier in WWII Greece, who’s given a secret document with the names of Nazi collaborators on it. He’s soon pursued by both the Greek resistance and the Nazis. Solid b/w thriller based on a novel by Leon Uris, as long as you don’t expect anything like that other Aldrich/Bezzerides collaboration KISS ME DEADLY. Stanley Baker co-stars, with Theodore Bikel, Sebastian Cabot, Peter Illing, Leslie Phillips and Donald Wolfit. Aldrich made 10 SECONDS TO HELL the same year.

ANGRY RANGER (feng baau long ji; huo bao lang zi) (1990 HK) D: JOHNNY WANG LUNG WEI W: CHAN KAM CHEONG P: JACKIE CHAN Serving time for streetfighting, Ben Lam Kwok Bun is released from prison to find Triad and thug activity in his area has increased. He pisses off a gangster called Aids (!), who likes to wear loud, colourful suits, by totaling his sports car and driving it into the river. He also falls in love with the head crook’s moll, so the bad guys retaliate by smashing up his uncle’s fish shop, wrecking a car in his friend’s motor shop and menacing his hostess sister with a crab. Things soon escalate in this outrageously violent action movie loaded with fight scenes. With Chow Yun Gin, Johnny Chung Wa, Mars, choreography from Jackie Chan’s Stuntmen Association, a gratuitous disco scene, and a coke plug (“let’s have a soft drink”). This seventh movie directed by Wei, a familiar face from kung fu films and a great villain, is good fun. He followed it with the Cat III ESCAPE FROM BROTHEL (1992).

THE ANGRY RED PLANET (1960 US) D/W: IB MELCHIOR W/P: SIDNEY PINK P: NORMAN MAURER A spaceship thought to have crash-landed on Mars is retrieved from space and returned to Earth. One surviving crew member (as well as disease-infected Captain Gerald Mohr) recounts the story in flashback. This sci-fi from the same people responsible for the awful REPTILICUS is pretty boring, but worth seeing for the strange monsters (including a giant amoeba). Scenes on Mars are in red negative. With Les Tremayne, Jack Kruschen (unwelcome comic relief), Joan Fitzpatrick and the voice of Ted Cassidy as a Martian.

ANGST (schizophrenia; fear) (1983 AUST) D/W/P: GERALD KARGL W: ZBIGNIEW RYBCZYNSKI P: JOSEF REITINGER-LASKA Erwin Leader gives a remarkable performance as a sadistic killer who IMMEDIATELY plans to satiate his compulsion to kill upon release from prison. He happens upon a big house outside of town, breaks in and waits for his victims. We hear his thoughts narrated throughout. Unflinching and deeply disturbing dissection of a sick mind at work is aided immeasurably by Rybczynski’s amazing, prowling, documentary-like camerawork, which manages to be both intimate and detached simultaneously. Klaus Schulze’s score is also a bonus. This still somewhat unrecognised gem is based on the notorious Werner Kniesek case, which shocked Salzburg in 1980. The dvd runs 76 mins and is the director’s cut, but it once played some territories with a distributor-imposed eight minute prologue. It seems to have also been released in some places in b/w.

ANGUISH (eyes; angustia) (1987 SPN) D/W: BIGAS LUNA P: PEPON COROMIA Mother-dominated optician Michael Lerner kills unfriendly women after his mom (Zelda Rubinstein) hypnotises him. She can also listen in on what happens to him with a big shell! This unique, bizarre movie (shot in New York, LA and Barcelona) suddenly changes direction by focusing on the audience watching it in a theatre. Their dialogue can be heard over the soundtrack! If this sounds like an cinematic experiment as opposed to an entertaining movie then think again. Luna weaves the story expertly back and forth between different realities, his play on perception carefully mounted to fuel suspense. I recommend you check out ANGUISH to see how a little imagination can turn the rules of movie making on their head and still remain commercial. I wish I’d seen it in a theatre. With footage from the 1925 THE LOST WORLD and subliminal effects on the soundtrack. Luna is a Spanish director well known in arthouse circles.

ANIMAL FACTORY (2000 US) D/P: STEVE BUSCEMI W: EDWARD BUNKER/JOHN STEPPLING P: ELIE SAMAHA/ ANDREW STEVENS/JULIE YORN Edward Furlong is the new prison inmate who’s taken under the wing of experienced Willem Dafoe in this excellent adaption of Bunker’s novel. One of the more believable prison (and prison escape) movies made (Bunker is a real-life ex-con, novelist, an executive producer here and occasional actor who you might recognise as Mr. Blue from RESERVOIR DOGS). The cast is excellent: Mickey Rourke, Danny Trejo (co- and executive producer), Tom Arnold, Mark Boone Jr., Seymour Cassel, John Heard, Afermo Omilami, J.C. Quinn, Tony Devon and Rockets Redglare. It was familiar character actor Buscemi’s second feature as director after TREES LOUNGE (he also acts here, as does Bunker).

ANIMAL HOUSE See: NATIONAL LAMPOON’S ANIMAL HOUSE

ANIMAL INSTINCTS (1992 US) D: GREGORY HIPPOLYTE W: JON ROBERT SAMSEL/GEORGE DES ESSEINTES P: ANDREW GARRONI One of many very boring and un-erotic thrillers that Hippolyte (aka Gregory Dark) released in both soft and moresoft versions. This one has nympho Shannon Whirry pimped out to other men and women by her voyeur cop husband (Maxwell Caulfield, who videotapes the sex). It’s based on a real-life case (in Florida). With Delia Sheppard, Jan-Michael Vincent, John Saxon, David Carradine and Mitch Gaylord. There was a sequel. Dark/Hippolyte’s porno (with collaborator Walter Genert, who was executive producer of this crap) is more interesting.

THE ANIMALS (five savage men; apache vengeance; the desperados) (1970 US) D: RON JOY W/P: RICHARD BAKALYAN A gang of outlaws led by Keenan Wynn rape a schoolteacher (Michele Carey) and leave her to die in the desert. A kindly Apache (Henry Silva) nurses her back to health and guides her to vengeance. This so-so revenge western written by a guy known for acting in 50s juvenile delinquent movies is very similar to the later, more controversial HANNIE CAULDER. With John Anderson, William Bryant, Fred Clark, Peggy Stewart and Joseph Turkel as Peyote.

THE ANIMATRIX (2003 US ANIMATED) D/W: MAHIRO MAEDA/SHINICHIRO WATANABE/YOSHIAKI KAWAJIRI/TAKESHI KOIKE/KOJI MORIMOTO/PETER CHUNG D: ANDY JONES W/P: LARRY AND ANDY WACHOWSKI P: MICHAEL ARIAS/HIROAKI TAKEUCHI/ EIKO TANAKA This 100 mins animated anthology has nine unrelated episodes by different people based on the Wachowski Bros’ MATRIX trilogy. Each segment has widely varied animated styles, deals with the subject from all manner of angles and (bar Jones’ pointless CGI opener) are all way above average. In particular I would single out Maeda’s twoparter that clarifies how the Matrix came into being. Voices are from Keanu Reeves, Carrie Anne-Moss, Dwight Schultz and Olivia D’Abo. Joel Silver was the executive producer. The dvd version includes a good short documentary about Japanese anime called FROM SCROLLS TO SCREEN and insightful making of docs on each segment. It is not recommended viewing before seeing THE MATRIX. Officially a US production, but the credits are full of Japanese names (and quite a lot of Korean).

ANJAAM (ashura) (1994 IND) D: RAHUL RAWAIL W: SUTANU GUPTA/GAUTAM RAJADHYAKSHA P: RITA RAWAIL/MAHARUKH JOKHI Madhuri Dixit is an air stewardess who’s constantly pestered by selfish rich playboy Shahrukh Kahn. When she marries another, the now obsessed stalker Kahn still won’t leave them alone. The new husband is killed, Dixit is framed and sent to prison, and worse. Revenge is the inevitable outcome. With Karin Kumar as a corrupt cop, Tinuu Anand, Johnny Leuer, Deepak Tijori and Himani Shiupuri. If you can deal with the usual overlength of most Bollywood cinema (this is close to three hours) then you can discover different, quality items like this. Recommended. Five earlier Hindi movies have the same title, whether this is a remake I don’t know.

THE ANNIHILATORS (action force) (1985 US) D: CHARLES SELLIER JR. W: BRIAN RUSSELL P: ALLAN C. PEDERSON/THOMAS C. CHAPMAN ’Nam vets team up to rid an Atalanta neighbourhood of vicious street gangs in this silly, dated but watchable vigilante action movie from New World. Paul Koslo is the main villain. With Gerrit Graham, Christopher Stone and Lawrence Hilton Jacobs. Sellier also made SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT and Russell co-wrote CLAWS.

THE ANNIVERSARY (1968 UK) D: ROY WARD BAKER W/P: JIMMY SANGSTER Bette Davis is great as a mischievous human monster mother who invites her family to her wedding anniversary. Once there the guests are subjected to Davis’ cruel baiting and antagonising. This different and entertaining black comedy drama has moments that border on horror, and is overall well-done and worth seeing. With Sheila Hancock and Timothy Bateson.

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER MAN (1966 US) D/W/P: DORIS WISHMAN Familiar faces, locations and even clothes surface in another NYC drama from the one and only Wishman. Darlene Bennett having to prostitute herself to support her bedridden husband is the main storyline. Only about one hour, it seems more like a week and the suicide ending will leave you feeling pretty low. What more could you possibly want! With Gigi Darlene and June Roberts.

ANOTHER EVIL DEAD 2 See: DEAD INN

ANOTHER 48 HRS. (1990 US) D: WALTER HILL W: JOHN FASANO/JEB STUART/LARRY GROSS/“LARRY BROUGHTON” (EDDIE MURPHY) Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte return in this sequel to Hill’s hit movie 48 HRS. Murphy (just out of jail) has to help Nolte (under investigation from Internal Affairs) find a major drug-dealer called The Iceman, who hires a biker gang as hit-men. There’s lots of bickering, action and stunts. No one liked it but it’s not bad entertainment, especially if you thought the original wasn’t that brilliant anyway. With Brion James, Ed O’Ross, Bernie Casey, Andrew Divoff, Kevin Tighe, Hoke Howell, George Chung, Shauna O’Brien and look for Kitten Natividad during a car chase. Screenwriter Fasano directed ROCK’N’ROLL NIGHTMARE.

ANOTHER HEAVEN (2000 JPN) D/W: JOJHI IIDA P: SHINYA KAWAI Someone or something is killing unrelated Tokyo residents and removing their brains to put in stew or spaghetti sauce. Yosuke Eguchi and older Yoshio Harada are the quibbling detectives on the case. This unfunny horror-comedy thriller is overlong as it pans out to an awful supernatural conclusion along the lines of PARASITE EVE. Yasuko Matsuyuki and Miwako Ichikawa are the goodlooking female co-stars. With Takashi Kashiwabara, Haruhiko Kato, Akira Emoto, Kai Ato and Taro Suwa. Iida made THE SPIRAL and BATTLE HEATER.

ANOTHER MIDNIGHT RUN (1994 US) D: JAMES FRAWLEY W: ERIC FREISER P: TONY TO In this “sequel” to MIDNIGHT RUN, bounty hunter Christopher McDonald tries to transport confidence trickster couple Cathy Moriarty and Jeffrey Tambor cross-country. Pretty uneventful and tedious. With Dan Hedaya, Ed O’Ross, John Fleck and Jack Nance. MIDNIGHT RUN AROUND followed.

ANOTHER 9 1/2 WEEKS (love in paris) (1997 US UK FRA) D: ANNE GOURSAUD W: MICHAEL DAVIS P: STAFFAN AHRENBERG/YANNICK BERNARD Mickey Rourke goes to Paris and acts all moody with Angie Everhart, a fashion designer who claims to be a close friend of his old lover (Kim Bassinger’s character in the original 9½ WEEKS). I think it’s supposed to be erotic but sent me to sleep sans erection. With Steven Berkoff and Dougray Scott. THE FIRST 9½ WEEKS (1998) (with Malcolm McDowell!) followed.

ANTHROPOPHAGOUS THE BEAST (the grim reaper; antropofago; antropophagus; maneater; the zombie’s rage) (1980 ITL) D/W/P: “JOE D’AMATO” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) W/P: “GEORGE EASTMAN” (LUIGI MONTEFIORE) This cult favourite horror movie is a let-down. Characters sail to a Greek island and find a beast (Luigi Montefiore) who kills and eats people. The famous gore scenes (Montefiore eating a freshly ripped-out foetus etc.) are not very well done and are few and far between. With Tisa Farrow. The original (cut) R rated American release (titled THE GRIM REAPER) replaced the original soundtrack with the one from KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS (itself a collection of Jerry Goldsmith cues from the Twilight Zone series). This version was also an official “video nasty” in the UK. See the more fun sequel ABSURD instead. Gorehound filmmaker Andrea Schnaas delivered the shoton-video homage/remake ANTHROPOPHAGOUS 2000 in 1999.

ANTHROPOPHAGOUS 2 See: ABSURD

THE ANTICHRIST See: THE TEMPTER

ANTITRUST (conspiracy.com; surveillance) (2001 US) D: PETER HOWITT W: HOWARD FRANKLIN P: NICK WECHSLER/KEITH ADDIS/DAVIS NICKSAY Talented computer programmer Ryan Phillippe is recruited to become part of a cutting-edge software company run by a Bill Gates type (played by Tim Robbins). He discovers a conspiracy involving murder in this naïve, occasionally laughable thriller that is pro-open source. With Rachael Leigh Cook, Richard Roundtree, Claire Forlani, Tygh Runyan, Tyler Labine, David Lougren, Nathaniel DeVeaux, Linda Ko, Eric Keenleyside, Colin Foo, Claire Riley, Howitt, Miguel De Icaza, Scott McNealy and Colin Cunningham.

ANTROPOFAGO See ANTHROPOHAGUS THE BEAST

ANTS! (it happened at lakewood manor; killer ants) (1977 US) D: ROBERT SCHEERER W: GUERDON TRUEBLOOD P: PETER NELSON Construction work at a holiday resort (run by wheelchair-bound Myrna Loy) disturbs a colony of ants with highly poisonous bites. Typical tv movie-of-the-week, with plenty of dull character stuff to slog through before the ants attack. They don’t seem much of a threat to be honest, and only die hard insect horror fans will want to sit through it. The ending is somewhat memorable though, with the leads trying hard not to move, covered in ants and breathing through paper tubes. With Robert Foxworth (who gets ants in his beard), Bernie Casey, Stacky Keach Sr., Lynda Day George and Jim Storm. Trueblood also wrote THE SAVAGE BEES and TARANTULAS: THE DEADLY CARGO (1977), and directed THE CANDY SNATCHERS.

ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN (1980 US) D: BUDDY VAN HORN W: STANFORD SHERMAN P: FRITZ MANES No one really wanted a sequel to EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE but we got one anyway. Clint Eastwood, Sondra Locke, Geoffrey Lewis, Ruth Gordon, The Black Widows and, of course, Clyde the Orangutan return and there’s more good ‘ole boy country music and brawls. Eastwood has an extended fist fight with William Smith. With Barry Corbin, Bill McKinney, Anne Ramsey, Harry Guardino, Michael Cavanaugh, Roy Jenson, Glen Campbell, Dick Durock, James Gammon, Art La Fleur, Ken Lerner, George Murdock, Logan Ramsey, Fats Domino and Buddy Joe Hooker.

ANY WHICH WAY YOU PUNCH See: SCORCHING SUN, FIERCE WINDS, WILD FIRE

APACHE (1954 US) D: ROBERT ALDRICH W: JAMES R. WEBB P: HAROLD HECHT Burt Lancaster is the last Apache warrior who escapes captors wanting to transport him to a reservation, and heads back to his land and his woman (Jean Peters). This thoughtful and different western based on Paul Wellman’s novel Bronco Apache is very good, and Lancaster was a better casting choice than you might expect. With John McIntire, Charles Bronson (Buchinsky), Paul Guilfoyle, John Dehner, Ian MacDonald, Walter Sande, Morris Ankrum, Monte Blue, Paul E. Burns, Rory Mallinson, Dick Rich and Philip Van Zandt. Aldrich and Webb also collaborated on VERA CRUZ the same year.

APACHE VENGEANCE See: THE ANIMALS

APARTMENT GIRLS (1972 US) Some swinging couples wake up and fuck. They all gather in an apartment for a small orgy. Another couple come ’round and join in. A guy has a bagel on his dick. The big joke at the end is that one of the guys wants to leave the action to see a porno movie in a theatre. This hardcore quickie runs about 56 mins and has a soundtrack mostly made up from instrumental cover versions.

THE APARTMENT ON THE 13TH FLOOR See: THE CANNIBAL MAN

APARTMENT ZERO (1988 UK ARG) D/W/P: MARTIN DONOVAN W/P: DAVID KOEPP Here’s a slow, overlong but pretty interesting psycho thriller set in Buenos Airies. Colin Firth stars as a reserved film fanatic who takes in bisexual hitman Hart Bochner as his new tenant. Different and surprising for those with patience. With Dora Bryan, Liz Smith and Fabrizio Bentiuoglio.

THE APE (1940 US) D: WILLIAM NIGH W: CURT SIODMAK/RICHARD CARROLL P: SCOTT R. DUNLAP After five MR. WONG movies, Karloff was directed by Nigh for Monogram again, in this, maybe his stupidest film. He plays a reclusive small-town doctor, secretly working on a serum to cure paralysis. In particular he wants beautiful young wheelchair-bound neighbour Maris Wrixon to walk again. Opportunity comes in the unlikely form of an escaped circus gorilla (Ray “Crash” Corrigan in one of his awesome, bulky gorilla suits), whom Karloff manages to kill. The Sheriff (Henry Hall) doesn’t realise the animal is dead, so the search party keeps looking. In the end the bewildered viewer (on the edge of sleep by now) discovers that Karloff must have skinned the ape (!), because he is the one running about town in Corrigan’s suit, killing people for spinal fluid! What !?! With Dorothy Vaughn, Selmer Jackson, Jessie Arnold, Harry C. Bradley, George Cleveland, Mary Field, Gibson Gowland, I. Stanford Jolley, Jack Kennedy, Donald Kerr and Philo McCullough. Based on Adam Hull Shirk’s pay, previously filmed at Monogram as HOUSE OF MYSTERY (1934). 63 b/w mins.

A*P*E (super kong; super king kong; the king ape) (1976 S.KOR US) D/W/P: PAUL LEDER P: K.M. YEUNG An unconvincing boat model blows-up “at sea” and a 36 ft man-in-a-suit gorilla escapes. He thrashes about with a “giant shark” and smashes up some bad building miniatures on his way to Seoul. These are some of the worst monster-stomping shots in the history of cinema, and check out the cow and hanggliding man for big laughs! But Leder is fully aware of what he’s got here, I think, so it’s played pretty tongue-in-cheek throughout. Leder (who made the very different psycho ’nam vet movie MY FRIENDS NEED KILLING the same year in America) appears as a film director (a pathetic subplot). I think there’s some footage from YONGARY (an earlier Korean monster stomper) in here too. Jack H. Harris released this wonder, and did I mention that it’s in 3D! Stick it on a double bill with QUEEN KONG from the same year (probably no coincidence the year the official Kong remake was released).

APE GIRL See: LADY IRON MONKEY

THE APE MAN (lock your doors) (1943 US) D: WILLIAM BEAUDINE W: BARNEY SARECKY P: SAM KATZMAN/ JACK DIETZ Bela Lugosi is a scientist who’s turned into a werewolf-look ape man (it just means that he can’t stand up straight) because he’s been injected with the spinal fluid of a gorilla. A gorilla that Lugosi sleeps with in a basement lab cage (and speaks monkey language with!) attacks people so that Lugosi can use their spinal fluids to return to normal. Minerva Urecal is the crazed scientist’s sister who helps (and has vinyl recordings of a Scottish ghost). Wallace Ford and Louise Currie are the time-filler reporters on the case. This 60 mins or so b/w Monogram nonsense is based on Karl Brown’s story They Creep In The Dark and is not as fun as it sounds. With Wheeler Oakman, Hanry Hall, J, Farrell MacDonald, Jack Mulhall, Charles Jordan, Vharlie Hall, Ernest Morrison, William Ruhl and a “televiser” (closedcircuit tv monitor). Lugosi was also in Katzman and Dietz’s unrelated RETURN OF THE APE MAN (1944), and many other Beaudine flicks.

APEX (1993 US) D/W: PHILLIP J. ROTH W: RONALD SCHMIDT/GIANCARLO SCANDIUZLI P: GARY JUDE BURKETT/TALAAT CAPTAN A scientist in 2013 sends a military man-in-a-suit robot back to the Mojave Desert, 1973. He follows it through the time portal to stop it from killing a family and then somehow ends up in an alternate post-nuke-look LA where humans battle armies of robots. This action sci-fi doesn’t really make much sense and is way too long, but kind of ok for its type. With David Jean Thomas.

APOCALYPSE JOE See: A MAN CALLED JOE CLIFFORD

APOCALYPSE NOW (1979 US) D/W/P: FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA W: JOHN MILIUS One of the most celebrated features of all time (not to mention a notoriously prolonged, troubled production that began shooting in 1976) deserves its acclaim, and despite the murky passages, builds to a culminative effect. Martin Sheen (who had a heart attack and flipped out during filming) stars as the Vietnam War captain hired to find and terminate (“with extreme prejudice”) AWOL colonel-turned-god Marlon Brando, living with his disciples deep in Cambodian territory. It’s based on Joseph Conrad’s (non ’nam) 1899 novel Heart Of Darkness. On a visit to Cambodia I was surprised to note how detailed and accurate the sets that were built for filming in the Philippines were. Vittorio Storaro provides the amazing, Oscar-winning cinematography and Eddie Romero and John Ashley were associate producers. As well as memorable bits from Dennis Hopper and Robert Duvall, there’s Frederic Forrest, Sam Bottoms, Larry Fishburne, Scott Glenn, Harrison Ford, Lee Ermey, Bill Graham, Colleen Camp, Cynthia Wood (Playmate of the Year 1974), Linda Carpenter, Jack Thibeau (and in the 50 mins longer Redux version only) Aurore Clement and Christian Marquand (CANDY). Joe Estevez was flown out to double for his brother Sheen for some scenes. Jim Gaines was an extra. The Doors are put to good use on the soundtrack. HEARTS OF DARKNESS: A FILMMAKER’S APOCALYPSE (1991) is the fascinating making-of feature. Nicolas Roeg returned to the source material for his own HEART OF DARKNESS (1993).

APOCALYPSE OF THE DEAD See: THE BLEEDING

THE APOSTATE See: MICHAEL ANGEL

APPALOOSA (2008 US) D/W/P: ED HARRIS W/P: ROBERT KNOTT P: GINGER SLEDGE Post-Civil War guns-for-hire Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen (both excellent, as they were in A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE) are hired as marshall and deputy of the titular small town, going up against a lawless clan led by rancher Jeremy Irons. That’s the starting point of this solid western based on a Robert B. Parker novel. It manages to be somewhat traditional and reinventive at the same time, and has a nice vein of subtle humour running through it. With Renee Zellweger pullingoff a tricky role, Timothy Spall, Lance Henriksen, Tom Bower and James Gammon. Well worth a look. Harris (who sings during the end credits!) had previously directed (and starred in) a film about artist Jackson Pollock: POLLOCK (2000). Doesn’t the producer have a great name by the way?

APPARITION See: PHOTOGRAPHING FAIRIES

THE APPLE (star rock) (1980 US W.GER) D/W/P: MENAHEM GOLAN W: COBY and IRIS RECHT P: YORAM GLOBUS This ridiculous and dated musical fantasy from Cannon founders Golan and Globus might entertain you. A female Canadian folk singer comes to New York City (of the future, 1994) with her boyfriend/partner (as Alphie and Bibi) to make it big. Vladek Sheybal is a very powerful record producer (and the Devil) called Mr. Boogaloo who manages a band famous for the hit dance sensation The Bim. She signs a contract with him and soon becomes the new sensation (corrupted by sex and drugs). Meanwhile, citizens face prosecution and arrest if they don’t wear their “bim mark” and take part in the “national bim hour”. Mr. Topps/ God (Joss Ackland!) turns up in his flying car at the end to save everyone and take them to a different planet. With Miriam Margoyles and Yma Sumac.

THE APPLEGATES See: MEET THE APPLEGATES

APPOINTMENT WITH AGONY (1976 US) D: JOE DAVIAN A gang of men (one of whom plays the guitar and sings) and their female accomplice abduct waitress Vaessa Del Rio and gang-rape her. Their next target is a family on vacation in their mobile home. The two daughters (who are supposed to be underage) are forced to suck daddy’s cock, before being balled along with mom. Meanwhile the female accomplice enjoys herself with Del Rio. This pretty good’n’sleazy 58 mins hardcore programmer (one of several roughies churned out by Davian) is bookended by the aforementioned guitarist flashbacking from a jail cell. And a laughable “happy” ending coda.

THE APRIL FOOL See: KILLER PARTY

APRIL FOOL’S DAY (1986 US) D: FRED WALTON W: DANILO BACH P: FRANK MANCUSO JR. Slasher spoof from the director of WHEN A STRANGER CALLS is not bad for its type; paper thin but with a pretty interesting twist. Stars Griffin O’Neal, Deborah Foreman and Thomas F. Wilson.

APT PUPIL (golden boy) (1997 US) D/P: BRYAN SINGER W: BRANDON BOYCE P: JANE HAMSHER/ DON MURPHY After the critical success of THE USUAL SUSPECTS, Singer made this interesting Stephen King adaptation (one of the handful of good ones) that ended up creeping out pretty quietly after sitting on the shelf for two years. Brad Renfro (who died in 2008 at age 25) is an intense, hard-working high school student who tracks down an ex-Nazi war criminal (the excellent Ian McKellan) who’s living in hiding under a false identity near Renfro’s home. The boy threatens to expose McKellan unless he tells him all about the death camps (“the things they don’t teach you in school”). The absorbing, intricate Boyce script is expertly handled by Singer (and a fine cast) and never quite goes in the direction you expect it to. The way America persecutes other countries for atrocities that it also commits is a very well-handled subtext. With Bruce Davison, Elias Koteas, Heather Mc.Comb, David Schwimmer and James Karen. Recommended.

AQUARIUS See: STAGEFRIGHT

ARACHNIA (2000 US) D/W: BRETT PIPER P: DAVID GIANCOLA/PETER BECKWITH A smart female paleontologist, two bimbos, a stoner and their jerk of a college professor are flying to Arizona in a small plane to join the excavation of some dinosaur fossils. A meteor shower causes them to crash, and the pilot takes charge. They find a remote farmhouse belonging to an old guy who shows them the carcass of a huge spider creature. Soon live ones with a thirst for human flesh attack. There’s a reference to Piper’s DRAINIAC! (which I preferred), and like that it’s worth a look for Piper’s stop-motion FX work.

ARACHNID (amazon) (2001 US SPN) D: JACK SHOLDER W: MARC SEVI P: BRIAN YUZNA/JULIO FERNANDEZ A medical expedition on a jungle island are menaced by a giant, mutated spider. Disappointing, and Steve Johnson’s FX don’t get enough screen time. With Chris Potter, José Sancho and Neus Asensi. Shot in Barcelona and Mexico.

ARACHNOPHOBIA (1990 US) D: FRANK MARSHALL W: WESLEY STRICK/DON JAKOBY/AL WILLIAMS P: KATHLEEN KENNEDY Thanks to explorer Julian Sands, a deadly South American tarantula starts to breed in Jeff Daniels’ barn in small-town North America. Soon they attack en masse in this not-bad family-orientated big-budget insect horror movie. John Goodman is an exterminator. With Stuart Pankin, Peter Jason and Roy Brocksmith. Marshall and Steven Spielberg were executive producers. Jakoby wrote LIFEFORCE with Dan O’Bannon.

ARAGAMI (2003 JPN) D/W: RYUHEI KITAMURA W: RIYUCHI TAKATSU P: SHINYA KAWAI/YUUJI ISHIDA/ HARUO UMEHAWA A badly wounded Samurai (Takao Osawa) is carried to an old temple in the mountains by a fellow comrade. He awakes to find his friend is dead, and Masaya Kato as his kindly host. That is until Kato reveals that he fed Osawa his friend’s liver to retrieve his strength, and now Osawa must return the favor by attempting to kill him. He also claims to be some kind of demon. A duel ensues. Talky bore is interrupted by some tired fanboy swordplay. It has similarities with Kitamura’s overrated VERSUS.

ARAHAN (1986) See: NINJA OF THE MAGNIFICENCE

ARANAS INFERNALES (cerebros daibolicos) (1966 MEX) D: FEDERICO CRUEL W: ADOLFO TORRES PORTILLO P: LUIS ENRIQUE VERGARA Masked wrestler The Blue Demon (Alejandro Cruz) battles humanoid aliens that are in fact (cheap-looking) spider monsters. Lots of wrestling footage and scenes stolen from TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE padout this bizarre b/w obscurity that is, as far as I know, only available in Spanish-language. A movies-ondemand website (www.movieflix.com) has it under the title HELLISH SPIDERS, a direct translation. With Ramon Bugarini, Marta Elena Cervantes, Nathanael Leon, Fernando Oses and Blanca Sanchez.

THE ARCANE ENCHANTER (arcane sorceror; the mysterious enchanter; l’arcano incantatore) (1996 ITL) D/W: PUPI AVATI P: ANTONIO AVATI/AURELIO DE LAURENTIIS A young man (Stefano Dionisi) becomes the new secretary for a feeble old man in his crumbling castle home which is haunted by a mysterious entity. This slow-moving period horror movie is well made and has some impressive sets (like the library) but is mostly talky and boring. With Massimo Sarchielli and Vittorio Duse. Avati is most famous for ZEDER (1983) and THE HOUSE WITH LAUGHING WINDOWS.

ARCANE SORCEROR See: THE ARCANE ENCHANTER

ARCTIC BLUE (1993 US CAN) D: PETER MASTERSON W: ROSS LA MANNA P: RICK STEVENSON Rutger Hauer is a killer who turns out to be an ok guy while being escorted across the snowy wastes of Alaska in this uneventful and overlong thriller. With Stephen E. Miller and J.B. Bivens.

AREA 51 See: 51

ARHATS IN FURY (baat baak law hon; ba bai luo hon) (1985 HK) D: WONG SING LOY W: CHANG XI An old-fashioned Buddhist monastery pushes its students too hard and almost kills one student. He remains loyal, even when two opposing schools destroy their temple and surrounding town. Despite the protagonist (Liu Zhen Ling)’s loyalty, the wellwritten script points out the futility of the monks’ training and how some of the old-fashioned ideas should change. It’s a lot more political than you might expect. The only out-of-place scene is when Ling pulls a Dr. Dolittle and commands an army of birds and monkeys to attack soldiers. Worth a look for the kung fu fan seeking something different. Mak Fei Hung and Huang Ha’s choreography provides the goods, too. One of the few HK kung fu productions filmed in mainland China.

ARIA (1987 UK) D/W: ROBERT ALTMAN/BRUCE BERESFORD/BILL BRYDEN/DEREK JARMAN/FRANC RODDAM/NICOLAS ROEG/KEN RUSSELL/CHARLES STURRIDGE/JULIAN TEMPLE D: JEN-LUC GODARD W: PHIULIPPE QUINALT/LOUIS DE CAHUSAE P: DON BOYD This pretentious and mostly God-awful waste of talent features each directors’ own operatic aria done in an MTV rock video style. Stay very far away and employ violence if it comes near. With Beverly D’Angelo, Bridget Fonda, John Hurt, Anita Morris, Theresa Russell, Buck Henry, Julie Hagerty, Elizabeth Hurley, Dyanne Thorne, Linzi Drew, Tilda Swinton and Delphine Rich.

AN ARIA ON GAZES See: THE BEDROOM

ARIZONA BOUND (rough riders) (1941 US) D: SPENCER GORDON BENNET W: ADELE S. BUFFINGTON/ OLIVER DRAKE P: SCOTT R. DUNLAP Buck Jones arrives in town and is framed for gold robbery when he tries to stop villainous Tristram Coffin’s henchmen from sabotaging Luana Walters’ stagecoach mail service. With Tim McCoy, Raymond Hatton, Dennis Moore, Kathryn Sheldon, Horace Murphy, I. Stanford Jolley, Ben Corbett, Jack Daley, Hal Price, Slim Whitaker and Jay Wilsey. Plus talk of a “necktie party” (a hanging). Routine b/w hour or so oater.

ARIZONA DAYS (1937 US) D: JOHN ENGLISH W: SHERMAN L. LOWE/LIMSDLEY PARSONS P: EDWARD F. FINNEY Singing cowboy Tex Ritter arrives in Tombstone with a comic relief, tromboneplaying sidekick (Syd Saylor) and a theatre troupe they met on the road. They put on a show and have to deal with gatecrashing scoundrels who burn down the tent, shoot a little boy and are wanted for back-taxes. Routine oater. With Forrest Taylor, Glenn Strange, Snub Pollard, Earl Dwire, Horace Murphy, Budd Buster, Oscar Graham, Tommy Bupp, Bob Burns, William Desmond, Herman Hack, Tex Palmer and Jack C. Smith.

THE ARIZONA RAIDERS (bad men of arizona) (1936 US) D: JAMES P. HOGAN W: JOHN W. KRAFFT/ ROBERT YOST P: A.M. BOTSFORD Buster (billed as Larry) Crabbe escapes a lynch mob and then rescues Raymond Hatton from a hanging too. They find a job on stubborn Marsha Hunt’s cattle farm and uncover corruption there. Crabbe and Hatton are likeable in this 57 mins b/w B-western based on Zane Grey’s story Raiders of the Spanish Peaks, and I liked the fact that everyone else is bloodthirsty for a good hanging. With Johnny Downs, Grant Withers, Arthur Aylseworth, Richard Carle, Augie Gomez, James P. Curtis, Bob Card and Herbert Heywood.

ARIZONA WEREWOLF See: WEREWOLF

THE ARK See: FORGOTTEN CITY

ARLINGTON ROAD (1998 US) D: MARK PELLINGTON W: EHREN KRUGER P: PATER SAMUELSON/ TOM GORAI/MARC SAMUELSON Jeff Bridges becomes friends with his neighbours Tim Robbins, Joan Cusack and their kids in white picket fence suburbia after he saves their little boy’s life. He soon finds out that they are not what they seem, and Robbins might be a political terrorist involved in fatal bombings. This cleverly written, well-directed thriller shows how one person can become a scapegoat for conspiracy in a realistic way. Highly recommended. With Hope Davis, Robert Gossett, Mason Gamble and Stanley Anderson.

ARMAGEDDON (1998 US) D/P: MICHAEL BAY W: JONATHAN HENSLEIGH/JEFFREY ABRAMS/ROBERT ROY POOL/TONY GILROY/SHANE SALEMO P: JERRY BRUCKHEIMER/GALE ANNE HURD After BAD BOYS and THE ROCK, former Meat Loaf video director Bay made this expensive disaster flick for Bruckheimer. Bruce Willis heads the cast as an oil rig boss and drilling expert who takes a crew of bluecollar types into space so they can drill a hole in a big asteroid hurtling towards Earth and toss a nuke into it. It’s dumb, overlong and full of big spectacle FX scenes just like you’d expect. With Ben Affleck, Steve Buscemi, Michael Clarke Duncan, Billy Bob Thornton, Liv Tyler, Will Patton, Peter Stormare, Keith David, Owen Wilson, William Fichtner, Jason Isaacs, Chris Ellis, Eddie Griffin, Udo Kier, Grace Zabriskie, Shawnee Smith, Stanley Anderson, Ellen Cleghorn, Layla Roberts, Bodhi Elfman, Matt Malloy, Mark Boone Jr., Lawrence Tierney, Karol Wojtyin, Greg Collins and Bay. DEEP IMPACT was the other, slightly less highprofile asteroid disaster movie from around the same time. Many cheaper copycat titles turned up on video.

ARMED RESPONSE (jade jungle) (1986 US) D/W: FRED OLEN RAY W/P: PAUL HERTZBERG W: T.L. LANKFORD Director Fred Olen Ray learns the advantages of an all-star exploitation cast in this lousy action flick. David Carradine and Lee Van Cleef battle the yakuza! Other faces that make it (barely) watchable are Mako, Laureen Landon, Ross Hagen, Dick Miller, Fox Harris, Bobbie Bresee, Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa, Michelle Bauer, David Goss (from HOLLYWOOD COP), Conan Lee and Ray himself. Ray went on to get himself out of even deeper shit than this with the help of cheap-to-hire has-beens.

EINE ARMEE GRETCHEN See: THE SHE DEVILS OF THE SS

ARMOUR OF GOD (operation condor 2; lung foong foo dai; long xiong hu dai) (1986 HK) D: JACKIE CHAN W: SZETO CHEUK-HON/EDWARD TANG GING/ SANG LO GIN P: JOHN SHEPARD/LEONARD KO/CHIU LAM Chan stars as a bumbling martial arts fighting hero who goes to rescue his rockstar friend’s girl, who’s been kidnapped and taken to Europe. The most expensive feature made in Hong Kong at the time, this non-stop parade of nonsense comic relief, amazing stunts and fancy kung fu footwork is exactly what you’d expect from mid-80s Chan, and a lot of fun. It was shot all over the world and is technically flawless. The title refers to much sought after weaponry from the Dark Ages. With Alan Tam, Rosamund Kwan and Anthony Chan Yau. During the end credit outtakes you get to see Chan almost killing himself (again!). In some territories the sequel was released first, hence the confusing aka OPERATION CONDOR 2.

ARMOUR OF GOD 2 (project eagle; operation condor; fei ying ji hua; fei ying gai waak) (1991 HK) D/W; JACKIE CHAN D: FRANKIE CHAN W; EDWARD TANG/FIBE MA MEI PING P: LEONARD K.C. HO This lesser sequel copies the INDIANA JONES movies even more, as Chan and female sidekicks search for secret Nazi gold bullion hidden under the Sahara desert. The most amazing stunts are during a motorbike/ car chase through a warehouse. It was an expensive (and long, two years) production. With Ken Lo and Carol Cheng.

ARMY OF DARKNESS: EVIL DEAD 3 (evil dead 3: the medieval dead; captain supermarket) (1991 US) D/W: SAM RAIMI W: IVAN RAIMI P: ROBERT G. TAPERT This is the least (and biggest budgeted) EVIL DEAD entry, but is still well worth seeing. It starts with a recap of the previous entry to show how Ash (Bruce Campbell) ends up in medieval times (with a chainsaw on his arm, “groovy”) to help King Arthur’s army fight animated sword fighting skeletons (like JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS on speed). The emphasis is more on fantasy than horror, and there are fun references to THE MANSTER and THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL, among others. With Embeth Davidtz, Angela Featherstone, Josh Becker, Harvey Cokliss, William Lustig, Bernard Rose, Patricia Tallman, Bill Moseley, Ted and Sam Raimi, Ian Abercrombie and Bridget Fonda. Two different endings were filmed, one downbeat and one happy. I imagine that several of the dvd special editions knocking around have both, as well as more related info and footage than you could ever possibly need.

ARMY OF ONE See: JOSHUA TREE

ARMY OF THE APES See: TIME OF THE APES

AROUSED (1965 US) D/W: ANTON HOLDEN W/P: RAY JENKINS W: RICHARD B. SHULL This b/w NYC nudie/psycho movie begins with a surprisingly disturbing murder scene. A man breaks into a woman’s apartment, suffocates her while she’s taking a shower with the plastic curtain and kisses the corpse on the mouth afterwards. This (and other scenes) are punctuated with freeze-frames and haunting voices from the killer’s past (“your mother is a whore”). A determined cop teams up (and sleeps) with the victim’s bisexual hooker lover, who wants revenge against the serial slaughterer of “whores” (a fairly radical plot device for 1965). It’s a shame that it’s padded with the usual nudie movie requirements of the era (cop having sex with his wife, for instance), as this could have been a sleek, bleak slice of psychosexual cinema. It remains a curiosity for those interested though. Lee Hessel was associate producer.

THE ARRIVAL (1990 US) D: DAVID SCHMOELLER W/P: (KEVIN) DANIEL LJOKA P: RON MATONAK Robert Sampson is a 73-year-old man who’s infected by something from a fallen meteor. He runs away, attacks women to drink their blood and regresses in age. When he reaches his 20s (he’s played by Robert Culp’s son Joseph), he wears a leather-jacket, rides a motorbike and seems irresistible to women (and impervious to bullets). But he’s a nice guy who wants to continue a relationship with a young nurse, and is confused about his compulsion to kill. John Saxon is an FBI agent tracking the killings cross-country. With Michael J. Pollard in his usual small-but-fun part, Kim Dawson, Stuart Gordon (and his wife Carolyn-Purdy Gordon) and Schmoeller and Ljoka. This isn’t bad, but could have done with faster pacing and the ending is too glib. Gary Schmoeller was associate producer and unit production manager.

THE ARRIVAL (shockwave) (1996 US MEX) D/W: DAVID TWOHY P: THOMAS G. SMITH/JIM STEELE Charlie Sheen is an astrologist investigating possible ET soundwaves from space who discovers a (surprise) conspiracy. If you can’t get enough of this kind of stuff I suppose it’s as good as the next one, but most people wouldn’t find much of interest apart from the pretty good FX. With Lindsay Crouse, Richard Schiff, Ron Silver, Leon Rippy, Buddy Joe Hooker, Jacqueline Voltaire and Twohy. THE SECOND ARRIVAL followed.

ARRIVAL 2 See: THE SECOND ARRIVAL

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS CAPTAIN BEEFHEART (1994 UK) It’s a shame there isn’t more documentary material on the incredibly innovative and influential Captain Beefheart and his Magic Band, so this 50 mins BBC documentary will have to do. Long-time fan and one-man DJ institution, John Peel narrates the tale of how Don Van Vliet created some of the finest music ever recorded in the form of the Trout Mask Replica LP, proceeded to dilute his experimental nature, a move that resulted in some mediocre blues recordings, bounced back for the post-punk generation with Ice Cream For Crow and then retired from music to work on his paintings (basically, although there’s a little more to it than that). Frank Zappa and Ry Cooder are interviewed, among others and I guess this does a good (fleeting) job for its potted less-than-one-hour time slot. Originally aired in 1997, with the short SOME YO YO STUFF (1994).

THE ARTIST IS A GUNFIGHTER See: THE REVENGE OF THE RESURRECTED

THE ART OF HIGH-IMPACT KICKING (1981) D/W/P: ROY HORAN P: NG SEE YUEN It’s just an instructional video about kung fu kicking methods and techniques, but some genre fans may be interested because it stars Korean-born taekwondo expert and top kung fu movie villain Hwang Jang Lee demonstrating everything as Horan narrates. The (Australian, I think) Horan was a studio executive and student of Lee’s who also appeared as the white villain in several kung fu favourites, including SNAKE IN THE EAGLE’S SHADOW and TOWER OF DEATH/ GAME OF DEATH 2.

THE ART OF WAR (l’art de la guerre) (2000 US CAN) D: CHRISTIAN DUGUAY W: WAYNE BEACH/ SIMON DAVIS BARRY P: NICOLAS CLERMONT Wesley Snipes stars as a secret agent working for the United Nations, in this more political take on James Bond. An action-conspiracy plot revolves around the Chinese-US trade talks and the assassination of James Hong. Marie Matiko and Anne Archer costar, with Maury Chaykin as a comic relief cop, Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa, Liliana Komorowska, Donald Sutherland, Michael Biehn, Ron Yuan, Noel Burton, Tony Calabretta, Richard jutras, Jason Cavalier and Mike Starr. The Canadian Duguay (SCREAMERS) can direct action well, but this is about 30 mins too long.

AS BOYS GROW (1953 US) D: GEORGE WATSON W: HUNTER INGALLS P: DONALD M. HATFIELD Ph.D. Sixteen mins b/w sex-ed short has a school gym coach teach his boys all about puberty, sex, erections, masturbation and wet dreams (“nocturnal emissions”). Surprisingly frank for the time. My favourite part is when the coach interrupts an argument about menstruation, and just happens to be carrying a cross-section of a vagina diagram around with him!

THE ASH TREE (1975 UK) D: LAWRENCE GORDON CLARK W: DAVID RUDKIN P: ROSEMARY HILL This was the last of the annual 70s run of Christmas Ghost Stories from the BBC to be based on a story by M.R. James (the following year saw THE SIGNALMAN, based on Dickens). Edward Petherbridge has a dual role as Sir Richard, the new squire at his inherited estate, and his late uncle in flashbacks. Not wanting to give anything away (but even if you’ve read the story, it’s still a surprise), the unnerving tale involves a witch’s curse, the titular tree, and some… things (one wonders if David Cronenberg managed to see it before making THE BROOD). From the camerawork to the performances, everything in this 34 mins gem is pitch-perfect. With Lalla Ward (Romana in DOCTOR WHO).

ASHURA See: ANJAAM

THE ASPHALT JUNGLE (1950 US) D/W: JOHN HUSTON W: BEN MADDOW P: ARTHUR HORNBLOW JR. Influential and gritty, intricate dissection of a robbery gone wrong, and how the net slowly, inevitably closes in on the protagonists, after W.R. Burnett’s novel. Sterling Hayden stars as an eternally down-on-his-luck gambler (from rural Kentucky) in the city. Sam Jaffe is the German with the plan, busting open a safe in a museum. Louis Calhern is the conniving money man (with Marilyn Monroe for a mistress). Marc Lawrence is excellent as the small-time hood and go-between, desperate for respect, who puts the crew together. You know tragedy’s-a-comin’, but the fun part is the masterful way in which the story unfolds. Excellent stuff. With James Whitmore, John McIntire, Barry Kelley, Anthony Caruso, John Maxwell, Frank Cady, David Clarke, Henry Corden, George Lynn, Howard M. Mitchell, James Seay, Tim Ryan, Ray Teal, Strother Martin, Alberto Morin, Henry Rowland, Jack Shea, Wilson Wood, Ralph Dunn, Gene Evans, Pat Falherty, Alex Gerry, Sol Gorss, Fred Graham, William Haade, Don Haggerty and Thomas Browne Henry. Remade as the western THE BADLANDERS (1958), CAIRO (1963) and the good blackaction movie COOL BREEZE (1972).

THE ASPHYX (experiments; the horror of death) (1972 UK) D: PETER NEWBROOK W: BRIAN COMPORT P: JOHN BRITTANY Nineteenth century philanthropist, inventor and psychic researcher Robert Stephens thinks that he can photograph the soul leaving the body at the time of death. Watching the playback of the film (he has an early homemade movie camera) which captured the accidental death of his son and his fiancee, he believes that the blotch on the screen is something else, the “asphyx”. With the (reluctant) help of adopted son Robert Powell, he uses a “light booster” (an early light projector beam using crystals) to capture the asphyx of a dying guinea pig, and later humans (these scenes will remind modern viewers of the proton beams used in GHOSTBUSTERS). To say any more would spoil the surprises in this fine, unique supernatural thriller, an early incarnation of the steampunk genre in fact. Based on an idea by Christina and Laurence Beers. It was the only feature directed by longtime cameraman Newbrook (who died in 2009).

THE ASSASSIN (da ci ke) (1967 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH P: RUN RUN SHAW “2300 years ago” and talented swordsman Jimmy Wang Yu is awaiting his chivalrous, important break in life while looking after his sister (Lee Heung-Gwan) and sick mother (Lam Jing) during a time of political upheaval and rebellion. Tin Fung offers him the chance to die for a great cause, and assassinate Premiere Wong Chung-Shun. A gorgeous looking mini-epic, and an unrelentingly noble exercise in evocative melodrama and heroic bloodshed. The fight action (including a bit of primitive wirework) is by Tang Chia and Liu Chia Liang (both also in it). Cliff Lok is the young Emperor ! With Lisa Chiao Chiao, Cheng Lui, Fang Mian, Wong Ching Ho, Cheung Pooi-Saan, Kok Lee-Yan, Wang Kuang-Yu, Gam Gwan, Chiu San-Yin, Yuen Cheung-Yan, Hsu Hsia, Chan Chuen and Wan Leng-Gwong. There’s also surprisingly brief nudity (a tit).

THE ASSASSIN (1970) See: YAKUZA DEKA 2

ASSASSIN (return of the assassin) (1973 TAI) D: CHAN TUNG MAN W: YIP YUU FENG P: RONALD TAN The choreography credit goes to Lau Kar Wing, but otherwise this unmemorable kung fu crap is pretty lousy. With Bolo Yeung, James Nam Gung Fan, Tan Ching, Fong Min and villain Tin Fung in bed with naked chicks a lot.

THE ASSASSIN (point of no return) (1993 US) D: JOHN BADHAM W: ROBERT GETCHELL/ALEXANDRA SEROS P: ART LINSON This American remake of NIKITA stars Bridget Fonda in the Anne Parillaud role and is pretty bad. Harvey Keitel has a part he later parodied in PULP FICTION. With Gabriel Byrne, Anne Bancroft, Dermot Mulroney, Migel Ferrer, Olivia D’Abo, Richard Romanus, Geoffrey Lewis, Michael Rappaport, Lorraine Toussaint, John Capodice, James Handy and Robert Harvey.

ASSASSIN OF YOUTH (marihuana) (1937 US) D/W/P: ELMER CLIFTON W/P: CHARLES A. BROWNE/ LEO J. McCARTHY When her grandmother dies in a car accident, “teen” Luana Walters stands to inherit a lot of money as long as she’s well behaved. Her scheming cousin plans to destroy Walters’ wholesome image via marijuana. A young reporter (who’s shown a short called MARIJUANA MENACE, also by Esper, I believe) poses as the new bartender at Earl Dwire’s soda shop to expose the drug racket. Many of these old b/w paranoid scourge-of-narcotics quickies are alike, and this has very little extra to offer. With Dorothy Vaughan, Ferm Emmett as a scooter-riding old busybody and Henry Roquemore as the judge.

ASSAULT See: IN THE DEVIL’S GARDEN

ASSAULT! JACK THE RIPPER (boko! kirisaki jack) (1976 JPN) D: YASUHARU HASEBE W: CHIHO KATSURA P: RYOJI ITTO Hasebe’s follow up to RAPE! is a superior “pink eiga” roughie. Yuri (Tamaki Katsura, who was nominated for best actress) and Ken (Yutaka Hayashi) work at the same patisserie. She is a bitchy waitress who doesn’t take any shit, while he’s a shy cake decorator who does exactly what he’s told. One night he gives her a lift home in his car and they pick up a weird hitchhiker (Natsuko Yashiro aka Yuko Oribe). After they accidentally kill the hitchhiker, they dispose of the body and make passionate love while fantasising about the night’s events. From then on, each day off from work is reserved for murder (with a cake knife) and sex. Despite containing some graphic sexual violence, ASSAULT! is such an intelligent dissection of a twisted “marriage” that it’s more fascinating than offensive. With Yuri Yamashina and good use of easy listening/lounge music. Hasebe made RAPE! 13TH HOUR next.

ASSAULT OF THE PARTY NERDS (the nerd terminator) (1988 US) D/W/P: RICHARD GABAI P: M.ALEX BECKER Another REVENGE OF THE NERDS copy, but this is not as annoying as the others and may entertain you if you’re in the mood. Gabai is the main guy, but the name value (has-been) stars are Troy Donahue and Burt Ward. With Michelle Bauer and Linnea Quigley (who are quite funny). David DeCoteau was the executive producer of the short production (five days). A sequel followed in 1995.

ASSAULT ON DEVIL’S ISLAND (shadow warriors) (1997 US) D: JON CASSAR W: CALVIN CLEMENTS JR./MICHAEL BERK/DOUGLAS SCWARTZ/STEVEN McKAY P: PAUL CAJERO/KEVIN BEGGS Terry “Hulk” Hogan leads a bunch of Navy Seals onto coke dealer Billy Drago’s tropical island, only to be double-crossed by one of his own men. After escaping, Hogan, Carl Weathers and Shannon Tweed go back for revenge and to rescue MIA’s. Hogan tries to be mean and serious (“I hate sharks”) in this lame, tame tv action movie. With Billy Blanks, Martin Kove and Marc Macaulay. ASSAULT ON DEATH MOUNTAIN (1999) was the sequel.

ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (1976 US) D/W: JOHN CARPENTER P: J. STEIN KAPLAN Between his fun, cult debut feature DARK STAR and the hit HALLOWEEN, Carpenter made this unofficial RIO BRAVO remake with the action relocated to a police precinct in an LA ghetto (the original shooting title was The Anderson Alamo). Austin Stoker stars as the cop whose assignment is to oversee the closing down of a police precinct in a gang neighbourhood. A father who has gunned down a gang leader seeks refuge in the police station and a siege begins. The faceless, almost zombie-like gangbangers try to break into the station while Stoker and a couple of death row convicts in lock-up (including Darwin Joston) try to keep them out. Solid, cartoonish urban action thriller is pitched somewhere between NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and THE WARRIORS, and benefits from Douglas Knapp’s spacious photography and a great sense of knowing, deadpan cornball humour. Carpenter provides one of his simple yet effective synth scores for the soundtrack. Tommy Lee Wallace (HALLOWEEN 3) was the art director. With Henry Brandon. There was a useless remake in 2005.

ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON See: ROME ARMED TO THE TEETH

THE ASSIGNMENT (1997 CAN) D: CHRISTIAN DUGUAY W: DAN GORDON/SABI H. SHABTAI P: TOM BERRY/FRANCO BATTISTA Aidan Quinn is a US Naval Officer with amazingly similar facial features to notorious terrorist bomber Carlos the Jackal (also Quinn). He’s blackmailed by Donald Sutherland (and Ben Kingsley) into posing as the controversial figure to help assassinate him. Training includes taking a powerful dose of LSD. This potentially interesting and very well made thriller does unfortunately drag after the first half, but is still better than the Bruce Willis vehicle THE JACKAL. Duguay previously made SCANNERS sequels, LIVE WIRE and SCREAMERS. With Vlasta Vrana, Liliana Komorowska, Al Waxman, David Francis, Tim Post, Daniel Pilon and Richard Jutras.

ASSIGNMENT: ISTANBUL See: THE CASTLE OF FU MANCHU

ASSIGNMENT: KILL CASTRO See: CUBA CROSSING

ASSIGNMENT: TERROR See: DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN (1969)

ASSIGNMENT TO KILL See: SECRET RIVALS 3

THE ASSOCIATION (yan ku shen tan) (1975 HK S.KOR) D/W: JENG CHEONG-WOH W: HUI GWOK This odd exploitation movie from Golden Harvest is being pushed as a kung fu flick on video, but although there is some fighting (choreographed by Sammo Hung and Whang In-Shik, who both appear), this isn’t really about martial arts. Angela Mao (looking her cutest) witnesses her mother raped and strangled by a creep who her dying father owed money to (Cheung Ging-Boh, director of 1975’s THE SHARP FISTS IN KUNG FU), so beats him to death. She’s killed by firing squad, resulting in her lover (star Byong Yu in his only known role) vowing to become a police officer and fight injustice (he trains and we see plastic skulls exploding during the opening credits, to express his resolve). Then the rest of the (rather silly) film is about Byong and another agent who looks like his ex (Angela Mao again) fighting police corruption, and trying to shut down a prostitution/white slavery/illegal abortion ring. For some reason a white woman in a blonde wig dances around a naked woman on a table in a see-through red nightie, as a very 70s cop show-like theme builds on the soundtrack (it starts as acid rock). Lots of tits are dwelt on (including a corpse’s), and co-star Tanny is a widow whose sexual frustration is played for laughs in a particularly unfunny, ill-conceived scene. Carter Wong is around just long enough to get shot in the abrupt ending that seems like they just ran out of time and ideas. Not a boring film, but an oddity only for the truly curious. With Zhao Lei, Suet Lam, Lee Kwan, Fang Mian, Wong Sam, Simon Yuen, Wilson Tong, Wang Lai, Yuen Wah, Yam Ho, Shut-Ma Wa-Lung and Lai Man. Director Jeng Cheong-Woh (FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH) also directed Mao in BROKEN OATH. The screenwriter directed FINGERS THAT KILL (1972).

ASTARON See: CONTAMINATION

ASTEROID 2 See: JUDGEMENT DAY

THE ASTOUNDING SHE-MONSTER (mysterious invader) (1957 US) D/W/P: RONNIE ASHCROFT W: FRANK HALL Three crooks (led by Kenne Duncan) kidnap an heiress (an often snide narrator lets us know), and end up at a cabin in the woods, holding Geologist Robert Clarke (and his dog) hostage. An alien, in the form of Shirley Kilpatrick (a sexy, slinky extraterrestrial with skintight “metallic” spacesuit, high heels, lots of makeup and bushy eyebrows) lands nearby and stalks them. She’s always seen through some kind of hazy, optical trick of the lens. This pretty bad 62 mins b/w cult item is actually a bore. Shot by William C. Thompson (Ed Wood was around to advise, too). Remade as ALIENATOR. No one seems sure, but Kilpatrick may have gained a lot of weight prior to reinventing herself as Shirley Stoler of THE HONEYMOON KILLERS fame!

ASTRO COP See: LUNAR COP

ASTROLOGER See: SUICIDE CULT

THE ASTRONAUT (1971 US) D: ROBERT MICHAEL LEWIS W: GERALD DI PEGO/CHARLES KUENSTLE/ ROBERT BIHELLER P: HARVE BENNETT One of the astronauts on the first manned Mars landing dies a mysterious death, but the tv transmission is blacked out. Fearing space program budget cuts, Jackie Cooper convinces a lookalike (Monte Markham) to undergo surgery to pose as the returning hero. He even has to go and live with the man’s wife (Susan Clark, who was Cherry Forever in PORKY’s a decade later)! Interesting, offbeat ABCTV Movie of the Week (that runs only 71 mins) prefigures the major NASA lies release CAPRICORN ONE. With James Sikking, Richard Anderson, Robert Lansing, John Lupton, Walter Brooke and real spaceflight veteran Wally Schirra. It’s interesting how time changes things. Upon its original broadcast, the ending would have seemed unrealistic and silly. Now, a conspiracy flick that doesn’t end in tragedy and cynicism seems somehow refreshing.

LES ASTRONAUTES (1959 FRA) D: CHRIS MARKER/ WALERIAN BOROWCZYK P: ANATOLE DAUMAN Here’s a fun 12 mins piece from two celebrated arthouse figures, and not really typical of either of their work. Stop-motion photography and the animation of pictures and diagrams (not unlike the what Terry Gilliam later did for Monty Python, but less cartoonish) tells the story of a man shot into space in his home-made spacecraft. There are some nice nods to the boundless imagination of George Méliès. Check it out if you have the chance.

THE ASTRONAUT’S WIFE (noise) (1999 US) D/W: RAND RAVICH P: ANDREW LAZAR Johnny Depp is an astronaut who moves from Florida to an executive job in New York after a near fatal accident in space. Charlize Theron (who had a similar role in THE DEVIL’S ADVOCATE) is his increasingly paranoid wife who thinks that he may be possessed by some alien force (as well as the twins she’s pregnant with). This is a stylish, well-directed movie that suffers from slow pacing and an anticlimactic 70s style ending that just doesn’t belong here. With Samantha Eggar (who had baby problems in THE BROOD), Joe Morton, Clea DuVall, Nick Cassavetes, Donna Murphy and Tom Noonan. It’s ROSEMARY’S BABY meets I MARRIED A MONSTER FROM OUTER SPACE.

THE ASTRO-ZOMBIES (the space vampires; space zombies) (1969 US) D/W/P: TED V. MIKELS W: WAYNE ROGERS John Carradine is a scientist who’s experimenting with thoughtwave transmissions and artificial hearts to create Astro Zombies, corpses controlled by skull shaped helmets that kill. “Mutilation Murder” screams the newspaper headline. Tura Satana tries to get her hands on them. Time is wasted with Carradine explaining everything in great detail to his mute hunchback assistant. Wendell Corey (in his final film) is the hero. The dullest, most sleep-inducing mess to ever gain a major cult following that it doesn’t deserve. Satana in a sexy outfit is the only saving grace. Avoid. Followed years later by MARK OF THE ASTRO-ZOMBIES (2002), ASTRO-ZOMBIES: M3: CLONED (2010) and ASTRO-ZOMBIES: M4: INVADERS FROM CYBERSPACE (2012)!

ASWANG (the unearthing) (1993 US) D/W/P: WYRE MARTIN/BARRY POLTERMANN A surrogate mother for a wealthy couple travels with the husband to the family estate, posing as his wife so he can guarantee an inheritance. A Filipino maid gets her drunk on apple wine, a man snooping around unearths a weird skull and the guy’s mother seems to be extremely ill. They spin webs around their victims. A crazed never-seen sister suddenly bursts in wielding a chainsaw. There are some unusual scenes and great FX in the director’s cut of this shot-in-Wisconsin horror, but it can’t seem to decide whether it’s reserved and creepy or outrageous exploitation, so is uneven. See ASWANG (1992) for a Filippino take on the concept.

ASYLUM (house of crazies) (1972 UK) D: ROY WARD BAKER W: ROBERT BLOCH P: MAX ROSENBERG/ MILTON SUBOTSKY This Amicus anthology is often held in high regard but is no better than several others from the short-lived studio that rivaled Hammer. Robert Powell is a psychologist applying for a position at a remote asylum for the incurably insane. The stories are told to him by the patients. The first (from Barbara Parkins) is the best, concerning voodoo and bodyparts coming to life. It’s kinda silly, but satisfyingly ghoulish. Barry Morse tells the next story that features Peter Cushing. Charlotte Rampling has murderous Britt Ekland for an imaginary friend in the third, while the final part/wraparound has Herbert Lom as a dollmaker. With Patrick Magee, James Villiers, Sylvia Syms, Geoffrey Bayldon and Megs Jenkins. TALES FROM THE CRYPT followed.

ASYLUM OF SATAN (1971 US) D/W: WILLIAM GIRDLER W/P: J. PATRICK KELLY III A female pianist finds herself a prisoner at a remote asylum that doesn’t officially exist. Her fiancé tries to convince police that she’s been kidnapped while she tries to figure out the silent, white-robed fellow patients with hoods. Turns out that the mysterious Dr. Specter (tv horror host Charles Kissinger, in most Girdler movies) is a Satan worshipper, and a man-in-a-suit demon turns up at the end. I laughed out loud when Kissinger appeared in unconvincing drag as his female assistant (complete with ridiculous dubbed voice), but otherwise this was fairly slowgoing. Girdler followed his debut with THREE ON A MEATHOOK (1973).

ASYLUM (2001) See: DARK ASYLUM

ASYLUM OF THE INSANE See: SHE FREAK

AT CLOSE RANGE (1986 US) D: JAMES FOLEY W: NICHOLAS KAZAN W/P: ELLIOTT LEWITT P: DON GUEST Brothers Sean and Christopher Penn are the sons of criminal Christopher Walken who returns to their home town in Pennsylvania in 1978. They admire him, try to be like him and try to impress him, but soon discover how dark his personality can really be. Based on a true story (that also inspired the tv movie HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER: THE TRUE STORY OF THE MENENDEZ BROTHERS), it’s an often overlooked gem, fascinating and disturbing. Walken gives an amazing performance that’s devoid of his usual comical self-consciousness. With Mary Stuart Masterson, Candy Clark, Crispin Glover, Tracey Walter, Kiefer Sutherland, Millie Perkins, J.C. Quinn, David Strathaim, Stephen Geoffreys, Anna Levine and Foley.

ATLANTIC PROJECT See: FINAL VOYAGE

AT MIDNIGHT I’ll TAKE YOUR SOUL AWAY (a meia noite levarei sua alma) (1963 BRZ) D/W: JOSÉ MOJICA MARINS P: ARILDO IRVANI/GERALDO MARTINS SIMOES/ILIDO MARTIN SIMOES Marins’ b/w horror debut may not be as enjoyable to watch now as some of his later films, but must have been a real shocker in the ultra-Catholic Brazil of the early 60s. He is Coffin Joe, an undertaker in a small town who mocks and abuses all its religious citizens. His wife cannot bear his children, so he kills her with a tarantula. Then he kills his best friend, and beats and rapes his wife (resulting in her suicide). In the memorable, atmospheric climax the dead return to claim his soul in a graveyard. Marins followed with THIS NIGHT I WILL POSSESS YOUR CORPSE and other wonders.

ATOM AGE VAMPIRE (seddok, son of satan) (1961 ITL FRA) D/W: ANTON GIULIO MAJANO P: MARIO FAVA A scientist working in the field of genetic mutation caused by radiation kidnaps Susan Loret (who’s had her face horribly disfigured in a car accident) from the hospital, restores her face to normal and falls in love with her. However, he must find fresh female victims (or specifically their glands) to keep her beautiful. Lupo can’t find the nerve to kill women so he injects himself with a serum that turns him into a monster (nice makeup) that the locals think is an escaped gorilla. This b/w cult favourite looks like it might be a good little shocker (if no classic) beneath the awful dubbing and fucked-around editing (I assume). A new uncut subtitled version would be nice. With Sergio Fantoni, Andrea Scotti and Ivo Gairani.

THE ATOMIC BRAIN (monstrosity) (1963 US) D: JOSEPH V. MASCELLI W/P: DEAN DILLMAN JR./ JACK POLLEXFEN W: VY RUSSELL/SUE BRADFORD A rich old widow invites three beautiful young women (one is English and another is Mexican, both have awful accents) to her remote mansion where she plans to have scientist Frank Gerstle transfer her brain into her girl of choice’s body. This b/w programmer is mostly a chore to sit through, but you won’t believe the sight of the Mexican maid meowing and screeching after a cat’s brain has been transplanted into her head. Bradford Dillman was the narrator, and his intro was sampled for a Man…Or Astroman? tune. Director Mascelli worked as photographer on several Ray Dennis Steckler movies.

ATOMIC CITY See: THE LAST BOMB

ATOMIC CYBORG See: HANDS OF STEEL

ATOMIC LASER 3000 See: WARLORD 3000

ATOMIC MISSION See: LAST STAND

ATOMIC MONSTER See: THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS

THE ATOMIC SUBMARINE (1959 US) D: SPENCER GORDON BENNET W: ORVILLE H. HAMPTON/IRVING BLOCK (uncredited)/JACK RABIN (uncredited) P: ALEX GORDON A one-eyed underwater flying saucer absorbs magnetic energy from the North Pole, and uses it to sink ships and subs at sea. An atomicpowered submarine crew investigate, ram into the saucer and go aboard to discover a tentacled alien with one big eye, and a disintegrator beam. I love this minimal b/w sci-fi. It has a cool monster and is as cosy and sublime late-night/early morning viewing as it gets. With Dick Foran, Brett Halsey, Arthur Franz, Tom Conway, Paul Dubov, Bob Steele, Victor Varconi, Joi Lansing, Selmer Jackson, Jack Mulhall, Jean Moorhead, Sid Melton and an “electro-sonic” score from Alexander Laszlo. The producer is Richard Gordon’s brother. This probably influenced the bigger-budgeted VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, and sometimes feels like an episode of the subsequent tv series (minus the tedium).

THE ATOMIC TRAIN (1999 US) D: DAVID JACKSON/ DICK LOWRY W: JEFF FAZIO/ARMAND SPECA/D. BRENT MOTE/PHIL PENNINGROTH/ROB FRESCO P: MICHAEL R. JOYCE Rob Lowe must stop an out-of-control express train from crashing as it’s carrying a Russian nuclear missile in this overlong (3 hour) disaster movie. With Esai Morales, Kristin Davis, John Finn, Mena Suvari, Blu Mankuma, Don S. Davis, Eric Johnson, Chris Ellis, Zack Ward, Yanna McIntosh, Edward Hermann, Ty Olsson, Tom McBeath, Alf Humphreys, Lesley Ewen and Eric Keenleyside. In one ridiculous scene characters survive a nuclear blast by hiding in a concrete pipe. So what were all those obliterated buildings made from then?

ATOR, THE BLADE MASTER See: THE BLADE MASTER

ATOR: THE FIGHTING EAGLE (ator the invincible; ator l’invincible; ator l’aqulla battante) (1982 ITL) D/W: “DAVID HILLS” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) W: MICHALE SOAVI (uncredited) P: ALEX SUSMANN After the success of CONAN THE BARBARIAN, the Italian exploitation film industry got back into churning out muscleman fantasies. This was one of the earliest efforts, and stars Miles O’Keeffe as Ator, son of Torin, prophecised to destroy the temple of the Spider King (former wrestler Dakkar, wearing gold eye makeup and playing with tarantulas). He’s spurred into action after his village is massacred and bride kidnapped on his wedding day. Amazon Sabrina Siani helps him in his quest, Edmund Purdom (in a silly longhair wig) guides them, and Laura Gemser appears as some kind of sorceress with a hideously mutated face. When some of the “walking dead” threaten, they just disappear (!) and a huge tarantula is not even shown properly at the end. Mostly quite dull in fact. Ator also has a sword fight with a shadow. With “Nat Williams” (Nello Pazzafini). This was followed by several sequels, beginning with THE BLADE MASTER.

ATOR THE INVINCIBLE (1982) See: ATOR: THE FIGHTING EAGLE

ATOR, THE INVINCIBLE (1982/II) See: THE BLADE MASTER

ATOR, THE IRON WARRIOR See: IRON WARRIOR

ATROCITIES See: ALL NIGHT LONG 3

ATROCITY See: ALL NIGHT LONG 2

ATTACKED! (osou!) (1978 JPN) D: YASUHARU HASEBE W: HIDEKAZU NAGAHARA P: SHIGERU KURIBAYASHI Hasebe once again displays that he’s a master of the Nikkatsu rape movie, with this unusual entry. Traffic cop Asami Ogawa is assaulted by an unseen truck driver, her eyes taped shut, and is raped in her patrol car (to the strains of classical music). Instead of reporting it, she looks over her ticket history to see if anyone would hold a grudge. While checking out the suspects (all busy having sex of course), she’s raped again (chained-up in a public toilet)… and again… and again, and she learns to enjoy the sudden violations, deciding in the end that she doesn’t want to know who it is. And the viewer never does find out. A grand tease of a film, and quite thrilling.

ATTACK OF THE AZTEC MUMMY (the aztec mummy; la momia azteca) (1957 MEX) D: RAFAEL PORTILLO W: ALFREDO SALAZAR W/P: GUILLERMO CALDERON A scientist (Ramon Gay) investigating regression and past lives hypnotises his young student and girlfriend (Rosita Arenas). She remembers being an Aztec woman sacrificed to God, along with her warrior lover who was cursed to watch over her ornamental breastplate for all-time (this flashback recalls the Universal MUMMY series of the 30s & 40s). Gay and his friends (including comic relief Crox Alvarado) break into a (real, for exterior shots) Aztec pyramid to fetch the breastplate as evidence that hypnotism works. Of course, Popoca the mummy (busy stuntman Angel di Stefani) comes for the stolen goods. A masked criminal/vivisectionist called The Bat is after the valuables, too (he gives orders to his henchmen via closed-circuit tv, just like an old serial). The mummy looks quite creepy with his charred-looking blank face and shock of stringy hair (not unlike Leatherface in THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE). He doesn’t like the crucifix, and is finally buried in a dynamite blast. Shame that this very slow b/w hit is so dull, wasting any atmosphere it manages to conjure up. With Arturo Martinez, Jorge Mondragon, Julian de Meriche, Guillermo Hernandez, Emma Roldan and Salvador Lozano. The same cast and crew returned for THE CURSE OF THE AZTEC MUMMY and THE ROBOT VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY the same year (I expect they were filmed back to back). In 1964, Jerry Warren butchered AZTEC MUMMY for his US tv release of ATTACK OF THE MAYAN MUMMY (see review).

ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES (hell island) (1983 US) D/P: MICHAEL STANLEY W: ROBERT A. HUTTON P: WILLIAM R. SLZINSKY In the 1930s, a boat sinks (offscreen) leaving a handful of survivors floating about. They find an island (which looks suspiciously like some forest in Connecticut, where it was shot) and try to find food and shelter, but are attacked by fast, flesh-eating little red doll-like creatures that resemble the African Zumi doll in TRILOGY OF TERROR. They’re kind of laughable when they run and jump, but are also an unrelenting menace that attack again and again, making BEAST CREATURES fun on several levels. A pretty effective monster movie (especially for the low-budget), and a good laugh to boot. There are also rivers of acid (!) that melt people by the way, which is also cool.

ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS (1956 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: CHARLES B. GRIFFITH A bunch of scientists testing for A-bomb fall-out effects, and their military chaperones find themselves stranded on an island, where a previous expedition had gone missing. The titular large crabs are indeed the cause of all the seismic activity slowly destroying the island, and missing people. In a bizarre twist the crabs seem to be able to devour human brains, while absorbing their thoughts (!), so lure others with the voices of their dead comrades! This is a little too silly, and prevented me from fully engaging with the internal logic of the movie. It’s also a little boring (even at only 60 mins). The crabs are cool, and I kind of understand the cult status, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. With Richard Garland, Pamela Duncan (THE UNDEAD), Mel Welles, Russell Johnson, Leslie Bradley, Richard H. Cutting and Beach Dickerson, plus Ed Nelson (who both helped with the crab FX work), and associate producer Griffith (who shot the underwater scenes). Floyd Crosby provided the b/w cinematography. Originally on a double bill with the great NOT OF THIS EARTH.

ATTACK OF THE 50 FT. WOMAN (1958 US) D: NATHAN JURAN W: MARK HANNA P: BERNARD WOOLNER One of the most famous and beloved of “bad” films, this is, of course, essential viewing. Allison Hayes is the title character who grows after an encounter with a bald alien wearing a nappy. She uses her new found powers to teach her cheating husband a lesson. The FX leave a lot to be desired, but some elements of this often ridiculed movie are pretty interesting. And it is very entertaining. With Yvette Vickers, Roy Gordon, Ken Terrell, Michael Ross and Thomas E. Jackson.

ATTACK OF THE 50 FT. WOMAN (1993 US) D: CHRISTOPHER GUEST W: JOSEPH DOUGHERTY P: DEBRA HILL Sheltered rich kid Daryl Hannah is pushed around by both her uncaring businessman father (William Windon) and openly unfaithful sleaze husband (Daniel Baldwin) in a small desert town. No one believes her when she claims to have seen a flying saucer, but contact with it makes her grow to enormous size. This is a pretty good remake with fun visual references and Hannah is well-cast, but all the fun goes out of it when they lay on the feminist/equality message way too thick, and with no sense of irony. With Frances Fisher, Richard Edson, Hamilton Camp, Lewis Arquette and Xander Berkeley. It debuted on HBO.

ATTACK OF THE GIANT CAKE See: ATTACK OF THE GIANT MOUSSAKA

ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES (demons of the swamp) (1959 US) D: BERNARD KOWALSKI W: LEO GORDON P: GENE CORMAN Bartender/storekeeper Bruno VeSota is embarrassed that he can’t keep his slutty, sexy jailbait wife (Yvette Vickers) inline in front of the boys. He blows his top when he catches her with another man so forces them into the swamp at gunpoint. No one believes him that it was actually giant leech monsters (kinda pathetic men-in-monster-suits) that killed them. Dynamiting the swamp reveals that there are in fact such creatures (created by waste dumping) and they suck victims dry in an underwater cave (a cramped and feverishly nightmarish set). This b/w hour-long programmer from AIP is a fun, trashy swamp melodrama with monsters. Gene Roth is the Sheriff. With Dan White. Screenwriter Gordon also wrote THE WASP WOMAN for executive producer Roger Corman, and was a a busy actor. Remade on the quiet in 2008. See the original.

ATTACK OF THE GIANT MOUSSAKA (attack of the giant cake) (1999 GRC) D/W/P: PANOS KOUTRAS Completely unfunny sci-fi comedy musical about a giant moussaka attacking Greece. Bikini girls in a UFO are to blame.

ATTACK OF THE GIANT WOMAN See: ATTACK OF THE 60 FOOT CENTREFOLD

ATTACK OF THE JOYFUL GODDESS (attack of the venoms; xi shen bao chou) (1983 TAI HK) D: CHIANG SHENG/LU FENG/CHANG CHEH P: LEE CHUN-HSIN This is an unusual independent production from a bunch of names familiar from an endless string of classic Shaw Bros kung fu favourites. There’s trouble brewing backstage at a travelling Taiwanese Opera show. The powerful commander of the region through which they are passing demands the affections of a reluctant girl, resulting in her man causing trouble for the commander (and in turn, the troupe). The manager and some others loyal to him plot to frame him for rape and murder. This subplot collides with another about bad luck due to a “Joy God” being stood upright (the intro explains this ancient superstition), and eventually all hell breaks loose. This means that a deliberately paced (but not boring) melodrama with murder and intrigue suddenly erupts for a spectacular final reel of magic, martial arts and strange low-budget FX and timelapse transformations. Sheng, Feng and Ricky Cheng (who all also appear) were the choreographers, so you know the action is good. Casual viewers will find it a diverting oddity, while fans of the talent involved will consider it a particularly interesting obscurity, highlighting the diversity of their talents. With Gam Sek and Chris Lee Kin-Sang.

THE ATTACK OF THE KILLER SHREWS See: THE KILLER SHREWS

ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES (1977 US) D/W/P: JOHN DE BELLO W/P: STEPHEN PEACE W: COSTA DILLON This unfunny cult favourite (one assumes for the title alone) is pretty self-explanatory. It might remind you of a Troma “comedy” as genetically engineered tomatoes (some giant) try to take over America. In 1995, a director’s cut was released which made it longer and even more irritating. In the prologue “Cecil B. De Mille” presents his “epic masterpiece” and the film is constantly interrupted by a projectionist trying to be funny. At least this version provides the only good laugh, a spoof clip from Attack Of the Texas Chainsaw Carrots! With Jack Riley and De Bello and Dillon. Three sequels began with RETURN OF THE KILLER TOMATOES: THE SEQUEL.

ATTACK OF THE MAYAN MUMMY (1964 US) D/W/P: JERRY WARREN First, see the review of ATTACK OF THE AZTEC MUMMY. This is that Mexican feature re-edited for American television (with an English dub) Jerry Warren-style. A lot of original footage was cut out, and a lot of very, very talky new footage was added (including one scene in a dance hall with jiving teens, for no apparent reason). A scientist (George Mitchell) tells the tale (which differs somewhat from the original story, but it’s all arbitrary nonsense) to newspaper Editor Bruno VeSota (who tellingly chucks the story in the bin at the end). You may not be able to polish a turd, but Warren tried to make a career from reframing them. I’m curious as to why they changed the mummy’s time of origin from Aztec to Mayan? Warren may not have cared, but that’s at least a 500 year difference, and a very different culture! With Richard Webb.

ATTACK OF THE MONSTERS See: GAMERA VS. GUIRON

ATTACK OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE See: MATANGO

ATTACK OF THE PHANTOMS See: KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK

ATTACK OF THE PUPPET PEOPLE (six inches tall) (1958 US) D/W/P: BERT I. GORDON W: GEORGE WORTHING YATES An early Notorious BIG entry for AIP stars John Agar. John Hoyt is an eccentric doll-maker/marionette handler who turns people into doll-size miniatures with a matter-transferring machine. He keeps them asleep in glass tubes, and takes them out to dress-up and party. In one warped scene, he makes a girl sing You’re A Dolly. However, when he shrinks his new secretary (June Kenny) and her boyfriend (Agar), they lead a revolt and escape back to normal size. Seeing Agar tear apart a Dr. Jekyll puppet (when he’s the same size), and a tiny cat in a matchbox are inspired moments. Hoyt is pretty creepy as the “kindly” old man and this is better than some later Gordon pictures. In one bit, there’s a whole case full of little Agars in tubes. With Michael Mark, Jack Kosslyn, Glenn Langan (from THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN), Laurie Mitchell and Scott Peters. Paul Blaisdell did some of the FX.

ATTACK OF THE 60 FOOT CENTREFOLD (attack of the giant woman) (1995 US) D/P: FRED OLEN RAY W: STEVE ARMOGIDA Three rival models pose topless at Hefner-like Jay Richardson’s Plaything mansion and contend for the title of Miss Centrefold of the Year. Blonde J.J. North grows to gigantic size after drinking an anti-ageing serum given to her by doctor John LaZar (Z-Man in BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS!). Redhead Tammy Parks also drinks it and they catfight on Hollywood Boulevard. Meanwhile LaZar has to deal with a giant (man-in-a-suit) lab mouse. The oddball supporting cast (Stanley Livingstone, Russ Tamblyn, Tommy Kirk, Ross Hagen, Michelle Bauer, George Stover, Nikki Fritz, Forrest J. Ackerman, Jim Wynorski, Peter Spellos and Tim Abell) can’t save Ray’s ill-advised homage to the films of Bert I. Gordon and Nathan Juran.

ATTACK OF THE SPIDER WOMEN See: MESA OF LOST WOMEN

ATTACK OF THE SWAMP CREATURES See: ZAAT

ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES See: THE EYE CREATURES

ATTACK OF THE VENOMS See: ATTACK OF THE JOYFUL GODDESS

ATTACK THE GAS STATION! (juyuso neubgruksaguen) (1999 S.KOR) D: KIM SANG-JIN W: JEONGWOO PARK P: LEE KWAN JOO Four aimless street punks (Lee Sung-Jae, Yu Oh Seong, Kang Seong Jin and Yu Ji Tae) attempt to trash and rob a gas station (for the second time) but discover that there’s no money being kept there. They decide to serve the customers on the court all night and pocket the money themselves. They also accumulate hostages and manage to piss off local gangsters and the delivery boy gang. This very energetic and likeable black comedy is nicely written, imaginatively directed, is full of surprises and sometimes reminded me of the films of Japanese director Sabu. Recommended. ATTACK THE GAS STATION! 2 followed in 2010.

ATTACK THE MUMMY See: THE MUMMY THEME PARK

AT THE EARTH’S CORE (1976 UK US) D: KEVIN CONNOR W: MILTON SUBOTSKY P: JOHN DARK Victorian era scientist Peter Cushing (acting like he did as DR. WHO) and wealthy playboy geological engineer Doug McClure take their “Iron Mole” drilling machine for a test spin, but end up in the titular tropical world, prisoners of the Mahars, telepathic creatures that sacrifice other (English speaking) underground dwellers to dinosaur-like monsters (very Toho looking men-in-rubber-suits). They also have to control the lava flows. McClure falls for sexy subterranean Caroline Munro. Based on Edgar Rice Burroughs’ 1914 novel (first of the Pellucidar series, inspired by Jules Verne, I guess). This Amicus release is quite a spirited adaptation with the right sense of wonder (nice sets), but is a tad sluggish as an adventure yarn. With Keith Barron. Connor had already helmed THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT (after Burroughs) for Amicus. He took McClure with him for the non-Amicus, non-Burroughs WARLORDS OF ATLANTIS.

AT THE HOURS OF OUR DEATH See: THE LAST HOUSE ON DEAD END STREET

AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW See: DEAD MEN RIDE

AT THE RISK OF MY LIFE See: THE INN OF EVIL AT 3:25 See: THE CRAZY RAY

THE ATTIC (blackout) (1988 US) D/P: DOUG ADAMS W/P: JOSEPH STEFANO P: HERMAN GRISBY Traumatised rape victim returns to her family’s house and is freaked out by a stalker. Very boring, with clunking dialogue from the screenwriter of PSYCHO and Argento-copy death scenes.

AUCTION See: DARK CONFESSIONS

AUDITION (1999 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: DAISUKE TENGAN P: AKEMI OKUYAMA/SATOMI FUKUSHIMA Ryo Ishibashi is a middle-aged widower who uses an audition for a tv drama to find the perfect girl to remarry. Eihi Shiina is the seemingly perfect but ultimately deeply disturbed young woman. This horror thriller sets itself up as a drama to magnify the shocking, violent climax, but overstretches itself so it just becomes a bore. Bare in mind that some viewers find it an overwhelming, gruesome experience. Miike used this formula to much better effect with the same year’s DEAD OR ALIVE: HANZAISHA. With Tetsu Sawaki, Shigeru Saeki, Renji Ishibashi, Jun Kunimura, Toshie Negishi, Ken Metsuishi, Kanji Tsuda and (somewhere) Ren Osugi (also the subject of an in-joke). Based on Ryu Murakami’s novel.

AUDITIONS (1978 US) D: HARRY “TAMPA” (HURWITZ) W/P: CHARLES BAND This is a faked hidden camera look at a casting call cavalcade of weirdos for a proposed sequel to the director’s FAIRY TALES (1978). A guy hidden offscreen interviews men and women, asks them about their sexual fantasies and convinces them to take off their clothes (and sometimes masturbate and have sex in near-hardcore scenes). Despite hardcore vets Ronda Jo Petty, William Margold, Rick Lutz, Jennifer West and Rick Cassidy (and babyfaced Linnea Quigley playing underaged), the sex is the most boring part. I more enjoyed watching Freddie the D and Tom Bollet’s weird comedy double act, a gay man who sings in French, a guy with a gun explaining how it gets the chicks, a black guy who tells jokes and mumbles and a white guy who talks like he’s black. An (overdone) running joke has some kind of sleazy promoter interrupting the proceedings. The scenes listed above sometimes transcend the material and make this worth watching.

AUDITIONS FROM BEYOND (1999 US) D: REED RICHMOND P: PAT SICILIANO This update from Full Moon (and Seduction Cinema) has footage of starlets talking and dancing naked (which are ok I guess), and lots of “best of” padding scenes from flicks like FEMALIEN 2 (1998). Girls on this tape are Jacqueline Lovell, Nikki Fritz, Tricia Yen, Zoe Paul, Vanessa Taylor, Sandy Wasko, Stella Porter, Mia Zottoli, Taimie Hannum, Lisa Throw and Timber. The humorous narration is by Brinke Stevens.

AUDREY ROSE (1977 US) D: ROBERT WISE W/P: FRANK DE FELITTA P:?JOE WIZAN Twelve-yearold Susan Swift may or may not be the reincarnation of Anthony Hopkins’ little girl who was buried alive. John Beck and Marsha Mason are the sceptical parents in this ok but forgettable and lacklustre supernatural thriller (after Felitta’s novel). With Norman Lloyd, Robert Walden, John Hillerman and Philip Sterling.

AUGUST UNDERGROUND (2001 US) D/P: FRED VOGEL This low-budget 70 mins shot-on-DV feature in the spirit of the first two GUINEA PIG films (or the snuff sequence in HENRY) is basically the home movies of a couple of small-town psychos (one stays behind the camera most of the time) who torture, mutilate and kill men and women. They have a filthy basement where a naked woman tied to a chair is made to eat her own shit (and more). Obviously this is not for everyone and many won’t be able to see the point, but for what it is it’s extremely convincing (the cast is spot on naturalistic) and well made. It was shot in Pittsburgh.

AUGUST UNDERGROUND: MORDUM (2003 US) D/W: FRED VOGEL A young woman helps with the slaughter and torture this time in an unrelenting amateur footage document that has more sex than the previous entry (a dead little kid is sodomized in the bath). I guess the “highlights” include a woman getting fucked in her abdominal wound and someone eating maggots from the neck stump of a decapitated corpse, JACKASS-gone-homicide style. I suppose these are “must see” items for gorehounds who like to test their own boundaries, but seeing more than one gets tiresome and depressing. A third entry is AUGUST UNDERGROUND: PENANCE (2007).

AUNT MARTHA See: SOMETIMES AUNT MARTHA DOES DREADFUL THINGS

AU PAIR GIRLS (1972 UK) D/W: VAL GUEST W: DAVID ADNOPOZ/DAVID GRANT P: GUIDO COEN Four foreign au pairs (Astrid Frank, Gabrielle Drake, Nancie Wait and Me Me Lai) get the Brits all horny in this typical, forgettable sex comedy from Tigon. Johnny Briggs is a lecherous cab driver who loses his bird to a sheik (Ferdy Mayne) and Richard O’Sullivan daydreams of nudity. With Geoffrey Bayldon, Rosalie Crutchley, John Le Mesurier, Marianne Stone and John Standing. Director-for-hire Guest helmed THE QUATERMASS XPERIMENT, THE DAY THE EARTH CAUGHT FIRE (1961), EXPRESS BONGO (1959) and CONFESSIONS OF A WINDOW CLEANER (1974), among others.

AUTO FOCUS (bob crane) (2002 US) D: PAUL SCHRADER W: MICHAEL GERBOSI P: SCOTT ALEXANDER/ ALICIA ALLAIN/PATRICK DOLLARD/LARRY KARASZEWSKI/BRIAN OLIVIER/TODD ROSKEN Greg Kinnear is Hogan’s Heroes star Bob Crane in this biopic based on Robert Graysmith’s book that highlights the double life that led to Crane’s murder. Willem Dafoe is John Carpenter, a video technology expert who hooks up with Crane for mini-orgies, which end up on private “best of” tapes. Crane is first seen as a wholesome family man desperate for some extramarital sexual activity, which he eventually lets consume his life and career. Kinnear and Dafoe are excellent as a couple of pathetic seeming leeches dependent on each other. This is an interesting film, but I don’t know if Schrader is the right guy for the material. With Rita Wilson, Maria Bello, Kurt Fuller, Ed Begley Jr., Michael McKean, Joe Grifasi, Joseph D. Reitman, Katie Lohmann, John Kapelos, Marieh Delfino and Bob Crane Jr. Graysmith’s investigations also inspired ZODIAC.

AUTOMAN (1983 US) Glen A. Larson created this series about a police scientist (Desi Arnaz Jr.) who creates a computer generated superhero (Chuck Wagner with a TRON-like computer graphics costume) to fight crime. It only lasted 14 episodes (including a feature-length pilot and a final unaired episode), which is most definitely a good thing. Robert Lansing was also a regular. Guest stars included Sid Haig, Doug McClure, Don Gordon, William Windom, Clu Gulager, Michael Pataki, Branscombe Richmond, Walter Brooke, Lee Garlington, Billy Drago, Richard Lynch, Terry Kiser, Miguel A. Nunez Jr., Ed Lauter, Greg Mullavy. Michelle Phillips, John Vernon, Michael V. Gazzo, David Spielberg and Brett Halsey.

AUTOMATIC (2033) (1994 US) D: JOHN MURLOWSKI W: SUSAN LAMBERT/PATRICK HIGHSMITH P: KEN BADISH/AVI NESHER Olivier Gruner is a security cyborg that accidentally kills an executive (who is trying to rape a co-worker). John Glover is the evil-but-cheerful company president who orders them both dead. A hit squad hunts them through the office building while the media gather outside in this so-so DIE HARD-style action flick. All the cyborgs are played by the kick-boxing Gruner (from NEMESIS). With Jeff Kober, Dennis Lipscomb as an angry investor, Annabelle Gurwitch and Troy Evans.

AUTOPSY (tension; the victim; the magician; macchie solari) (1973 ITL) D/W: ARMANDO CRISPINO W: LUCIO BATTISTRADA P: LEONARDO PESCAROLO This unusual giallo begins with shocking scenes of people committing suicide in various ways, intercut with close-ups of the surface of the sun. Mimsy Farmer is a doctor in Rome who works at the morgue. She has visions of cadavers coming to life and having sex. Unfortunately, after these intriguing opening scenes, the story abandons all of this and gradually settles into a more conventional murdermystery. Barry Primus co-stars as an epileptic priest (and ex-racing car driver!) who’s convinced that his sister’s suicide was in fact murder. When the murderer and motive is revealed it’s pretty convoluted and implausible. With Ray Lovelock and Massimo Serata, plus an Ennio Morricone score. This review refers to the uncut (partially subtitled) English-language print.

AVALANCHE (1978 US) D/W: COREY ALLEN W: CLAUDE POLA/FRANCES DOLE P: ROGER CORMAN Despite warnings from eco-aware mountaindwelling photographer Robert Forster, pig-headed shouting Rock Hudson insists trees be cleared from the slopes to afford the guests at the opening of his new ski resort an unspoiled view. But when a plane slams into the peak, there’s nothing to stop the snow from burying all the skiers, skaters and spectators. Mia Farrow co-stars as Hudson’s ex, falling for Forster. It’s not good, but more enjoyable nonsense than most similar but more expensive Irwin Allen productions of the era. With Jeanette Nolan, Barry Primus, Anthony Carbone (who starred in 1961’s CREATURE FROM THE HAUNTED SEA for Corman) and lots and lots of Styrofoam. Filmed in Durango, Colorado.

AVALANCHE (1994 CAN) D: PAUL SHAPIRO W: TIM REDMAN P: JONATHAN GOODWILL Jewel thief David Hasselhoff’s plane crashes in the Rockies causing an avalanche. Michael Gross, his teen daughter (Deanna Milligan) and little boy rescue him while digging their way out of a snowbound cabin. Psycho Hasselhoff is more interested in recovering his loot in this by-the-numbers thriller made for tv. With Don S. Davis.

AVALON (gate to avalon) (2001 JPN) D: MAMORU OSHII W: KAZUNORI ITO P: ATSUSHI KUBO In the near future, young people are immersed in a highly competitive, realistic and addictive VR war game. Visually fantastic live-action departure from the folks behind the animated favourite GHOST IN THE SHELL. It may be more involved than that film, but it’s also a pretentious monochrome bore that goes nowhere slowly while attempting to convey its muddled message. Filmed in Warsaw, Poland, ASSAULT GIRLS (2009) was a later (terrible) companion piece.

AVENGER (1966) See: TEXAS, ADIOS

THE AVENGER (1972) See: QUEEN BOXER

THE AVENGER (1973) See: KUNG FU INFERNO

AVENGER (1997) See: RECOIL

THE AVENGERS (1998 UK US) D: JEREMIAH S. CHECHIK W: DON MACPHERSON P: JERRY WEINTRAUB Ralph Fiennes is the umbrella-wielding John Steed and Uma Thurman is Dr. Emma Peel in this critically trashed flop remake of the 60s (and later 70s) tv show. Sean Connery is the villain, who is altering British weather (not a bad idea really). It’s all very English (lots of tea is drunk), camp and silly, but pretty entertaining if you’re in the mood. I liked the teddy bear boardroom and the cool wasp-shaped helicopters. There’s even an invisible man (original series star Patrick Macnee). Thurman also plays her evil doppelgänger. With Jim Broadbent as Mother, Fiona Shaw as Father, Eddie Izzard, Shaun Ryder and John Wood.

AVENGING ANGEL (street angel) (1985 US) D/W: ROBERT VINCENT O’NEIL W: JOSEPH M. CALA P: SANDY HOWARD/KEITH RUBINSTEIN Sequel to the hit ANGEL, about a high school hooker. It stars Betsy Russell (looking great in a nurse’s uniform) as the now grown-up Angel. She is studying to be a lawyer, but goes back on the streets to avenge the death of a cop friend. The plot involves a conspiracy to buy up Hollywood Boulevard. Rory Calhoun as a cowboy-type and the always manic Susan Tyrrell return from the original as comic relief. With Ossie Davis, Ross Hagen, Lynda Weismeier, Hoke Howell, Robert Tessier, Liz Sheridan, Kin Shriner, legendary Vaudeville comedian Paul “Mousie” Garner and screenwriter Cala. Cute Russell is the only reason to watch this poor entry. It was O’Neil’s final directing credit. Joel Soisson was the associate producer. ANGEL 3 (1988) and 4 (1994) followed.

AVENGING BOXING See: METHOD MAN

AVENGING EAGLE (cold blooded eagles; laang huet sap saam ying; leng xie shi san ying) (1978 HK) D: SUN CHUNG W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW/ MONA FONG Ti Lung is a former member of the ruthless killer bandit gang the 13 Eagles (led by Ku Feng). Now on the run, trying to save himself and atone for his crimes, he meets mysterious drifter Fu Sheng, who helps him. This simple plot makes room for plenty of fantastic fight action, utilising a number of different weapons and styles. Tang Chia and Huang Pei Chi were the choreographers. The final 15 mins are breathtaking, with Feng particularly memorable with his iron clawed gloves. Recommended. With Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Dick Wei, Ouyang Shafei, Eddy Ko, Bruce Tong, Lam Fai Wong, Tang Chia, Yeung Chi Hing, Yuen Bun, Peter Chan Lung and Jamie Luk.

THE AVENGING FIST (legend of tekken; fight zone; legend of the fist; legend of the fist master; kuen sen; quan shen) (2001 HK) D/P: ANDREW LAU D: CORY YUEN KWAI W: THIRTEEN CHAN SAP SAM P: JESSINTA LIU FUNG PING/WONG JING The Japanese animation and video game phenomenon TEKKEN is the basis for this half-arsed, irritating FX-filled drivel that actually wastes a good concept. A special “power glove” channels all the energy from the 90% of the brain we don’t use into a formidable, physical force. It’s set in a BLADE RUNNER-look future, and is all so pat and clichéd it feels much like a video game (the overuse of FX and CGI is laughable). Stephen Fung is the young star. With Gigi Leung, Sammo Hung (who’s teased about his weight throughout), Kristy Yeung, Yuen Biao, Chin Kar Lok, Roy Cheung, Ekin Cheng, Cecilia Yip, Yu Ka Ho and Benjamin Yuen.

AVENGING FORCE (1986 US) D: SAM FIRSTENBERG W: JAMES BOOTH P: YORAM GLOBUS/MENAHEM GOLAN Not content with subjecting viewers to Michael Dudikoff as the AMERICAN NINJA, Cannon and Firstenberg made this MOST DANGEROUS GAME copy with him, too. John P. Ryan leads a powerful group of racist survivalists who are out to assassinate Dudikoff’s black pal running for senate (Steve James, also in AMERICAN NINJA). They like to hunt their enemies through the swamps of New Orleans wearing face masks and brandishing a Samurai sword. Pretty bad. With Booth, Bill “Superfoot” Wallace and Kane Hodder.

THE AVENGING GODFATHER (disco godfather) (1979 US) D/W: J. ROBERT WAGONER W: CLIFF ROQUEMORE P: RUDY RAY MOORE/THEODORE TONEY Dolemite goes disco! Rudy Ray Moore is an ex-cop (and ex-pimp!) discotheque MC the Disco Godfather. He’s out to “attack the whack” after his baseball star nephew freaks out on PCP An awful movie sure to test your endurance, but wait around for the unbelievable, surreal climax. With Carol Speed, Julius J. Carry III and Keith David. I love it, and you might, too! Screenwriter Roquemore directed Rudy Ray in THE HUMAN TORNADO and PETEY WHEATSTRAW. “Put some weight on it.”

THE AVENGING QUARTET (ba hoi hung ying; ba hai gong ying) (1992 HK) D: STANLEY SIU WING P: CHAN FEI LING Very boring girls’n’guns action movie has Cynthia Khan and Moon Lee teaming up to fight evil Japanese Yukari Oshima and Michiko Nishiwaki, who plan to steal a valuable painting. With Waise Lee, Chin Kar Lok and Lee Siu Kei.

AWAKE (2007 US) D/W: JOBY HAROLD P: JOANA VICENTE/JASON KLIOT/JOHN PENOTTI/FISHER STEVENS Young NYC tycoon Hayden Christensen goes under the knife for a heart transplant, only to discover that the anesthesia doesn’t put him to sleep, but does leave him paralysed and in extreme pain. But that’s just the underused gimmick (the Korean flick RETURN covered the phenomena of anesthesia awareness in more detail the previous year) around which a predictable and quite silly thriller is wrapped. And Christensen automatically destroys any movie he actually has to act in. With Jessica Alba, Terrence Howard, Lena Olin, Christopher McDonald and Stevens.

THE AWAKENING (1980 UK) D: MIKE NEWELL W: CHRIS BRYANT/CLIVE EXTON/ALLAN SCOTT P: ROBERT H. SOLO In one of the most boring Egyptian curse movies, Charlton Heston is an archaeologist who opens a tomb and a long dead queen possesses his newly born child. Eighteen years later she kills. Really slow and long with no excitement. Newell cannot direct horror. It’s based on Bram Stoker’s story The Jewel of the 7 Stars, which had already been filmed as Hammer’s BLOOD FROM THE MUMMY’S TOMB (and was later adapted for LEGEND OF THE MUMMY). With Susannah York and Miriam Margoyles. Monte Hellman was an uncredited additional editor.

THE AWFUL DR. ORLOFF (the demon doctor; l’horrible docteur orlof; gritos en la noche) (1962 SPN FRA) D/W: “JESS FRANK” (JESÚS FRANCO) P: LEO LAX/SERGE NEWMAN Franco’s eighth film and his first horror broke a whole bunch of taboos in its native Spain and was reportedly cut on General Franco’s orders. Pretty tame today (a little nudity and no gore), this old-fashioned b/w gothic Hammer-esque tale remains one of Franco’s best, but that’s not really saying much. Howard Vernon is Orloff, whose blind, bloodsucking assistant Morpho grabs women for him so he can steal their faces for his disfigured daughter. You’d be better off sticking with EYES WITHOUT A FACE (which Franco updated in 1988 as FACELESS). With Conrado San Martin, Venancio Muro, Felix Dafauce, Rafel Hernandez and Franco (who wrote an Orloff novel) as a piano player (I guess he probably had something to do with the crazy jazz soundtrack, too). Franco also made THE SADISTIC BARON VON KLAUS the same year, and Orloff returned in his DR. ORLOFF’S MONSTER (1964), THE DIABOLICAL DR. Z (1966), THE ORGIES OF DR. ORLOFF (1969), ORLOFF AND THE INVISIBLE MAN (1970), LOS OJOS SINIESTROS DEL DR. ORLOF (1973), THE SINISTER DR. ORLOFF (1984) and SCREAMS IN THE NIGHT (a non-Franco Argentine homage from 2009).

A.W.O.L. See: LIONHEART

AYSECIK IN THE LAND OF THE MAGIC DWARFS (the turkish wizard of oz; aysecik ve shirli cuieler hiyalar ulkesinde) (1971 TUR) D: TUNC BASARAN W: HAMDI DEGIRMENCIOGIU P: OZDEMIR BIRSEL Zeynep Degirmencioglu is Dorothy. Suleyman Turan is the Tinman. Metin Serczl is the Scarecrow. Alisen is the Lion. Cemal Konka is the Wizard. Many probably thought that this Turkish copy of OZ would be hilarious. But to be fair it’s just cheap and in another language (unsubbed or dubbed), which is hardly hilarious. With seven dwarfs.

THE AZTEC MUMMY See: ATTACK OF THE AZTEC MUMMY

AZUMI (2003 JPN) D: RYUHEI KITAMURA W: ISAO KIRIYAMA/YU KOYAMA P: MATAICHIRO YAMAMOTO This over two-hour period action adventure seems aimed at a teenage audience. Yoshiro Harada trains a bunch of kids (including cute female star and singing idol Aya Ueto) to become assassins. Naoto Takenaka and Kennichi Endo (from VISITOR Q) are villains. Despite some kinetic swordplay action (that’s unimaginative), it’s pretty boring. With Tak Sakaguchi. A sequel followed in 2005.

BABA YAGA (black magic; the devil witch; kiss me, kill me) (1973 ITL FRA) D/W: CORRADO FARINA P: SIMONE ALLOUCHE A fashion photographer accepts a ride from a strange older woman called Baba Yaga (Carroll Baker), who lives in a big old house alone and speaks with an echo voice. Soon a camera becomes a deadly weapon, instantly killing anyone it takes a picture of, and a doll starts to come to life. Nothing is ever explained and Yaga turns out to have been a ghost (or something like that). One scene has a black man having white powder thrown on him by a white man in a white suit, and the black guy disintegrates. Turns out to be a commercial for washing detergent, emphasising stain removal! With “George Eastman” (Luigi Montefiore), Carla Mancini and Lorenzo Piani. It’s based on Guido Crepax’s comics.

THE BABY (1973 US) D: TED POST W/P: ABE POLSKY P: MILTON POLSKY THE BABY is one of my favourite films, a choice exploitation melodrama with a sick edge that has never picked up the cult following it deserves. A female social worker becomes very attached to one of her special cases, a grown man who still acts like a baby. He wears a big nappy and crawls around mumbling baby talk. Ruth Roman is his mother, and we soon learn that she and her daughters use baby for their own perverse needs, and keep him in-line with an electric cattle prod! A real original, this also has a great surprise ending. With Michael Pataki and Marianna Hill. Highly recommended, complete with gaudy 70s interiors and fashions. Post also made the best DIRTY HARRY sequel, MAGNUM FORCE.

BABY ACADEMY See: THREE CRAZY JERKS

BABY BLOOD 2 See: THE UNBORN 2

BABY BLUES (real hunt) (2007 US) D/W/P: LARS JACOBSON D/P: AMARDEEP KALEKA P: ZACK CANEPARI A neglected, lonely housewife (Colleen Porch), suffering postpartum depression, gradually loses her mind and experiences religious hallucinations in rural Georgia (where this was filmed) when her trucker husband (Joel Bryant) is away. Eldest preteen son Ridge Canipe has to fight back and protect his little sister and baby when mom turns into a scary homicidal psycho. Although some parts that should be more heart-pounding are oddly muted (maybe mistimed), this is a very good horror/thriller, apparently “based on actual events”. I’d say the time period is late-70s/early 80s (CBs and Atari). The acting is uniformly excellent.

BABY GHOST (1995 US) D/P: DONALD G. JACKSON W: MARK WILLIAMS Joe Estevez is a portrait photographer whose building is haunted by a small, giggling green ghost (terrible computer generated FX) in this very cheap-looking waste of space. I think it’s supposed to be funny but I’ve been to funnier funerals. Conrad Brooks turns up long enough to make a reference to PLAN 9. Beware, BABY GHOST 2 is threatened at the end.

BABYLON (1980 UK ITL) D/W: FRANCO ROSSO W: MARTIN STELLMAN P: GAVRIK LOSEY Seemingly plotless and rambling but surprisingly engrossing and authentic street-level look at Lewisham youths (primarily Aswad’s Brinsley Forde in the starring role) dealing with life in general, racism and trying to stay above water while running a dub reggae sound system (the soundtrack, whether it be Aswad or choice cuts curated by Dennis Bovell, is first-class). With Karl Howman, Mel Smith, Bill Moody and (I think) Jah Shaka. Recommended for bass-heads.

BABY NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF SHOES See: JIVE TURKEY

BABY ROSEMARY (1976 US) D: HAROLD PERKINS Sharon Thorpe stars in this very confusing porno feature. She seems to be a prudish cock-tease but parts that could be dreams or hallucinations show her having sex and enjoying (maybe?) being raped. She also hangs out with female members of a sex cult, her father dies and the wake turns into an orgy and seemingly nice guy cop John Leslie is in love with her. Or something like that. Anyway it wasn’t very good, I’m sure of that much. With Candida Royale and John Seeman.

THE BABYSITTER (1995 US) D/W: GUY FERLAND P: KEVIN J. MESSICK Alicia Silverstone babysits for J.T. Walsh and Lee Garlington while they got to a party held by George Segal and Lois Chiles. Her frustrated boyfriend Jeremy London (she won’t have sex with him yet) is manipulated by scheming, lying creep Nicky Katt (who wants her for himself) to go ‘round and try to seduce her. All the male leads fantasize about fucking Silverstone in this minor but well done attempt at something different, a good film for younger teens. With Ryan Slater (Christian’s half-brother) and Michael Chieffo. Joel Schumacher was the executive producer. Based on a story by Robert Coover.

BACHELOR PARTY (1984 US) D/W: NEAL ISRAEL W: PAT PROFT W/P: BOB ISRAEL P: RON MOLER/ RAJU PATEL This hit sex comedy stars Tom Hanks as a groom-to-be who parties with his friends and a bunch of hookers before getting married to Tawny Kitaen. Not bad of it’s type, with a likeable cast and some good gags. I liked the suicidal guy who tries slitting his wrists with an electric razor and the donkey ODing on coke best. With Adrian Zmed (T.J. HOOKER), Monique Gabrielle, Michael Dudikoff, Rosanne Katon, Proft and John Bloom from Al Adamson’s DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN.

BACKBEAT (1993 UK GER) D/W: IAIN SOFTLEY W: MICHAEL THOMAS/STEPHEN WARD P: FINOLA DWYER/ STEPHEN WOOLEY Surprisingly good and authentic look at The Beatles in Hamburg in 1960, concentrating on the doomed original bassist and artist Stuart Sutcliffe (Stephen Dorff handling his accent pretty well), and his love triangle with photographer Astrid Kirchher (cute Sheryl Lee, who goes topless) and John Lennon (Ian Hart on top form, his second time as Lennon after THE HOURS AND THE TIMES in 1991). Good actors play George Harrison, Paul McCartney and original drummer Pete Best (now there’s an unlucky man) as a hard-working, pill-popping rock’n’roll covers band on between strippers (the soundtrack has several interesting various artists covering the covers). Also portrayed are Cynthia Lennon, (briefly) Ringo and Tony Sheridan (the band backed him in a studio, and the original record is heard). Softley’s debut, he made the daft but fun HACKERS next.

BACK DOOR TO HELL (1964 US PHIL) D: MONTE HELLMAN W: RICHARD A. GUTTMAN/JOHN HACKETT P: FRED ROOS A trio of American GIs (topbilled former pop singer Jimmie Rodgers, prestardom Jack Nicholson and Hackett) aid local Filipino freedom-fighters in taking back their town from the Japanese during Pacific WWII. The battle of wits involves child executions, and is not so clear-cut good vs evil hokum. That said, far from a war movie classic, but solid stuff. 20th Century Fox apparently added some more gung-ho stock battle footage after acquiring it from Lippert (who produced it back to back in the Philippines with FLIGHT TO FURY). In b/w, with Johnny Monteiro and Joe Sison. In 1967, Rodgers was the victim of a mysterious, possible “beating” from LAPD cops in San Diego that left him with brain damage and paralysis.

BACK IN BUSINESS (heart of stone; stone cold ‘98) (1997 US) D: PHILIPPE MORA W: ED DECATUR/ASH STANLEY P: PETER McALAVEY/GARY WICHARD Brian Bosworth is an ex-Fed mechanic who takes advice from a radio psychologist. He goes on vacation and ends up helping his old Fed buddy bring down corrupt high ranking FBI agent Brion James. Drugs are smuggled in sports cars. It’s mostly talky nonsense with some action. A character says “like dots on dice, like cold on ice, like Vincent on motherfuckin’ Price”. With Guy Torry, Michael Clarke Duncan and Andre Rosey Brown. Mora (an odd director) also appears.

BACKLASH See: DANGER ZONE

BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985 US) D/W: ROBERT ZEMECKIS W/P: BOB GALE P: NEIL CANTON One of the highest grossing hits of the 80s must surely have been seen by every person on the planet by now. It has lots of irritating touches (Huey Lewis, who makes a cameo appearance, on the soundtrack) but I grew up with it so it’s impossible for me to be objective. I’d say it’s a decent major release that has fun characters and plenty of action and comedy though. Michael J. Fox stars as the teen in a time-travelling DeLorean created by scientist Christopher Loyd who goes back to 1955 to make sure his parents fall in love and give birth to him. Lea Thompson and sci-fi addict Crispin Glover are his teen parents. There’s an incest angle (!) and Fox teaches a black dance hall band how to play rock’n’roll (an ill-advised scene). With Casey Siemaszko, James Tolkan, Thomas F. Wilson, Elisabeth Shue, Billy Zane, George “Buck” Flower, George Di Cenzo and Norman Alden. It was also responsible for a rise in skateboard sales (I first got one after watching it). Original star Eric Stoltz (replaced by Fox) can be seen in footage on the Blu-ray release.

BACK TO THE FUTURE PART 2 (1989 US) D/W: ROBERT ZEMECKIS W/P: BOB GALE P: NEIL CANTON This inferior sequel is more ambitious but just doesn’t work, tying itself up in time travel ideas that can’t properly be explored in a family-appeal major release. It’s set in 1955 again, and the future. Most of the same major cast members return, but Crispin Glover did not (he demanded too much money). With Fox, Lloyd, Thompson, Shue, Tolkan, Siemaszko, Zane, Flower, Stephanie Williams, Flea, John Erwin, Joe Flaherty, Jason Scott Lee, Charles Fleischer, Elijah Wood and Darlene Vogel.

BACK TO THE FUTURE PART 3 (1990 US) D/W: ROBERT ZEMECKIS W/P: BOB GALE P: NEIL CANTON This non-hit end to the series is at least better than part two. No one was interested in a sci-fi western set in 1885, and even ZZ Top couldn’t pull ‘em in. With Fox, Lloyd, Thompson, Wilson, Shue, Tolkan, Flea, Matt Clark, Dub Taylor and Harry Carey Jr.

BACK TO THE PLANET OF THE APES (1974 US) D: DON WEIS/ARNOLD LAVEN W: EDWARD J. LASKO/ ART WALLACE P: STANLEY HOUGH Ron Harper and James Naughton are astronauts who crash-land in a future world where apes are the dominant species in this, the first of a series of “features” culled from the Planet of the Apes tv series (this comprises episodes one and three). Only for viewers who didn’t have their fill from the five theatrical releases. With Royal Dano, Roddy McDowall, Woodrow Parfrey, Norman Alden and John Milford.

BACKTRACK (catchfire) (1988 US) D: DENNIS HOPPER W: RACHEL KRONSTADT MANN/ANN LOUISE BARDACH P: DICK CLARK/DAN PAULSON Conceptual artist Jodie Foster makes LED sign art in LA. She witnesses a man being killed by gangster Joe Pesci and becomes a target herself. Hopper is a saxplaying hitman hired to kill Foster, who’s decided to run away from a federal witness protection program. He doesn’t kill her when he finds her, in return she belongs to him. They go on the run together in New Mexico (where we see penitents whip themselves). This well done road movie is available in shorter “Allan Smithee” prints, but this review refers to the 115 mins version. With Dean Stockwell, John Turturro, Vincent Price, Fred Ward, Sy Richardson, Charlie Sheen, Julie Adams, Toni Basil, Bob Dylan, Grand L. Bush, Tony Sirico, Catherine Keener and look for Alex Cox as D.H. Lawrence.

BACKWOODS See: GEEK!

THE BACKYARD (2002 US) D/W: PAUL HOUGH First-class, non-judgemental documentary on the world of amateur backyard wrestling shows across North America. Teens without access to funds for pro wrestling school vent their passion for the sport by staging elaborate and often dangerous-looking outdoor performances, which utilise barbed wire, light bulbs, thumbtacks, fire and more. Surprisingly wide in scope, we witness different levels of fandom and attitudes ranging from some upstate New Yorkers who just do it for fun and the blessing of their community (as long as no one starts bleeding), to more serious Arizona types who edit highlights for public access tv and hope it’ll lead them to stardom. More hardcore youths make sure only real blood is used and show-off their numerous real scars. Prowrestler Rob Van Dam gives his opinions, but you’ll be more interested in the likes of Bongo, The Lizard, Wild Hamburger, Scar and The Retarded Butcher. Kids in Norfolk, England are also shown to have picked-up on the action.

BADASSSSS CINEMA (2002 US) D: ISAAC JULIEN P: PAULA JALFON/COLIN MacCABE Not a bad little 55 mins documentary primer for 70s blaxploitation cinema, and how the phenomenon fits into the social and political climate of the time. Not definitive or completist, and most definitely not a documentary on the history of all American black cinema, but a fun, informative piece for those just getting interested in the likes of COFFY, BLACK CAESAR, SUPER FLY etc. Interviewees include Larry Cohen, Gloria Hendry, Quentin Tarantino, Fred Williamson, Pam Grier, Samuel L. Jackson, Melvin Van Peebles (who’s funny talking about the impact of SWEET SWEETBACK’S BADASSSSS SONG) and assorted critics and historians. There’s also archive footage of old Gordon Parks accurately prophecising the future of the short-lived wave of black cinema that his SHAFT helped to instigate, and Isaac Hayes in the studio recording the theme tune with a bunch of musicians.

BAD, BAD, GANG (197?) D: JON DONNE P: CHARLES H. LEONARD A biker gang picks up a couple of hitchhiking chicks and head for a lakeside campsite. Two couples are also there. Blonde Jane (Rene Bond), her friend Eve and their men Kane and Abel (!). In this one hour or so slice of unhealthy looking vintage porn, the girls are raped by the men (they end up enjoying it of course) and the two hitchhiking dykes have their way with the men. There are sex scenes on a mattress in a cave and on a waterbed in a tent. When an LSD cookie is devoured there are no visuals but good trippy music. The opening credits appear on road signs and the character names are written on picnic utensils. A Dragon Art Theater release on tape with Michael Findlay’s WET AND WILD.

BAD BLOOD See: VIPER (1993)

BAD BOYS (1983 US) D: RICK ROSENTHAL W: RICHARD DiLELLO P: ROBERT H. SOLO Sean Penn and Reni Santoni star in this pretty good Americanisation of the British SCUM. Ally Sheedy is Penn’s girlfriend who is raped, this triggers off a personal vendetta that manifests itself in violence inside the confines of a juvenile detention centre. Even the soft drink can/pillow case scene is a direct steal from Alan Clarke’s notorious Borstal drama, but this can stand up on it’s own. With Esai Morales, Clancy Brown, Alan Ruck and Rosenthal.

BAD BOYS (1995 US) D: MICHAEL BAY W: MICHAEL BARRIE/JIM MULHOLLAND/DOUG RICHARDSON/ GEORGE GALLO P: DON SIMPSON/JERRY BRUCKHEIMER Martin Lawrence and Wil Smith are Miami cops protecting murder witness Tea Leoni in this typical wisecracking buddy buddy action movie from Simpson and Bruckheimer, directed by a guy guilty of making Meat Loaf videos. With Joe Pantoliano, Tcheky Karyo, Theresa Randle, Marg Helgenberger, Michael Imperioli, Anna Levine, Lisa Boyle, Marc Maccaulay, Kevin Corrigan and Kim Coates.

BAD BOYS 2 (2003 US) D: MICHAEL BAY W: RON SHELTON/JERRY STAHL/MARIANNE and CORMAC WIBBERLEY P: JERRY BRUCKHEIMER Smith and Lawrence return for more mindless yet exhilarating summer blockbuster action as bickering Miami cops. Jordi Molla and Peter Stormare are the Cuban and Russian villains smuggling ecstasy. At one point ecstasy is said to cause brain damage! I guess they had to demonize it a little to justify all the danger and mayhem by the good guys while trying to stop a mostly harmless party drug. Lots of bloated, unnecessary and sometimes irritating Hollywood baggage that push it near the two-and-a-half-hour (!) mark, but in it’s favour is at least one impressive, destructive car chase. With Joe Pantoliano, Theresa Randle, Gabrielle Union, Michael Shannon, Jon Seda, Yul Vazquez, Antoni Corone, Henry Rollins, Oleg Taktarov, Dan Marino, Bay and a record amount of bad taste corpse gags from a major release. Scenes from THE CHASE (1994) and POLICE STORY are copied. Parts were filmed in Puerto Rico.

BAD COMPANY (1972 US) D/W: ROBERT BENTON W: DAVID NEWMAN P: STANLEY R. JAFFE Jeff Bridges stars as a young drifter who robs his way across the country (with a partner) during the Civil War in this superb western. Not very high on the action quota, this still belongs on more people’s best westerns list. With Jim Davis, David Huddleston, John Savage, Geoffrey Lewis, Ed Lauter and Ted Gehring.

BAD COMPANY (1994) See: NATURE OF THE BEAST

BAD COP 2 See: CORRUPT

BAD DAY AT BLACK ROCK (1955 US) D: JOHN STURGES W: MILARD KAUFMAN P: DORE SCHARY Spencer Tracy is excellent as a mysterious one-armed man who gets off the train in the small town of Black Rock (which has it’s own secrets) in this must-see mystery thriller. The photography by William C. Mellor is excellent, as is the cast which includes Robert Ryan, Anne Francis, Dean Jagger, Ernest Borgnine, Lee Marvin, Walter Brennan, Walter Sande, Harry Hayden and Francis McDonald. Based on Howard Breslin’s story Bad Time At Hondo.

BAD DAY ON THE BLOCK See: UNDER PRESSURE

BAD DREAMS (1988 US) D/W: ANDREW FLEMING W: STEVEN E. DE SOUZA/MICHAEL DICK/P.J. PETTIETTE/VURI ZELTSER P: GALE ANNE HURD Richard Lynch is a cult leader (think of a cross between Manson and Jim Jones) in 1973 who sets fire to his disciples. Jennifer Rubin is the lone survivor who wakes up in a mental institution (Bruce Abbott is her group leader) after being in a coma for 13 years. Lynch returns to terrorise her. His burn scars are not makeup. Lynch immolated himself to protest the Vietnam War. With Harris Yulin, Sy Richardson, Charles Fleischer and Philip Granger. Nice try, with nice twists, but doesn’t really gel together. Lynch is good though, and there’s some surprising blood and gore. Rubin was also in the similar A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3.

BADGE 373 (1973 US) D/P: HOWARD W. KOCH W: PETE HAMMIL Robert Duvall is a racist New York cop suspended for chucking a Puerto Rican off a rooftop. But he still investigates the death of his ex-partner and discovers a conspiracy involving gun shipments. Duvall hjacks a city bus full of passengers in the only really good part. With Henry Darrow, Eddie Egan, Robert Miano and Tracey Walter can be spotted in his second feature (after GINGER in 1971).

BAD GIRLS (1974) See: DELINQUENT SCHOOLGIRLS

BAD GIRLS DO CRY (1954 US) D: SID MELTON P: HOWARD FREEMAN In this extremely cheap b/w exploitation flick that runs about an hour, and has painfully obvious non-sync sound, burlesque star Misty Ayers (a good-looking blonde) is tricked into becoming a prostitute, locked-up in a suburban home, shot-up with drugs and strips down to her underwear and stockings often (pretty racy for the time). Stupid comedy (mostly revolving around a drunk Madame) pads out the minimal story of a guy who loves her who tries to free her from the life of vice. It appears to have not been released until 1965, when it must have seemed really dated. I can’t see anyone except vintage cheesecake completists getting a kick out of it nowadays. Both Melton and Freeman were busy stage and screen actors.

BAD GIRLS’ DORMITORY (1984 US) D/W: TIM KINCAID P: CYNTHIA DE PAUL This awful New York women-in-prison movie is barely worth mentioning. Rick Giansi (SGT. KABUKIMAN N.Y.P.D) is in it and the FX are by Ed French. Former gay porno director Kincaid (aka Joe Gage) made others for the same producer, including the amusing BREEDERS and MUTANT HUNT the following year.

BAD GIRLS GO TO HELL (1965 US) D/W/P: DORIS WISHMAN Here’s a depressing b/w DIY melodramatic skinflick from Wishman. Gigi Darlene lives in a nice apartment with her nice husband in Boston. When a dirty old man neighbour tries to rape her she accidentally kills him with a blow to the head and runs off to NYC under a new name. First she moves in with a man who turns out to be a violent alcoholic. Then a nice lesbian (Darlene Bennett) who hangs around in a body stocking. Then she lodges with a married couple, but the lecherous husband fondles and punches her. Finally she seems safe looking after an invalid old woman, but her son turns out to be a cop investigating the Boston murder! Darlene wakes up to find out it was all a dream, but the whole thing starts again! No one makes an hour seem quite as long as Wishman does. With Alan Feinstein, Dawn Bennett and as much footage of Central Park as you could possibly want. My favourite part was a gorilla poster on the wall.

BADI (duckling; the turkish e.t.) (1983 TUR) D: ZAFER PAR W: “VEYSEL CANDAN” (BARIS PIRHASAN) P: SERIF GOREN Here’s another Turkish copy of a Hollywood hit that’s gathered a cult following since being released as a bootleg (sans subs). I’m not really sure why, it’s cheap, the alien suit is creepy and the kids fly in a coal cart rather than on a BMX, but it’s not particularly amusing or wacky. Screenwriter Pirahasan is in it.

BADLANDS (1973 US) D/W/P: TERENCE MALICK This very visual crime film is probably the best about Charles Starkweather. Set in 1958, Starkweather (Martin Sheen) and his girl Caril Fugate (Sissy Spacek) embark on a crime-spree prompted by the murder of her father (Warren Oates). Beautifully photographed and expertly paced, it’s one of the best of the 70s (along with Malick’s DAYS OF HEAVEN). With Alan Vint and Malick himself.

BAD LIEUTENANT (1992 US) D/W: ABEL FERRARA W: ZOE LUND P: MARY KANE/EDWARD R. PRESSMAN Harvey Keitel is brilliant as the title character in this unjustifiably criticised Catholic guilt movie. He’s a corrupt Catholic New York City cop who can’t understand why a raped nun forgives her attackers (and won’t reveal their identities). He takes lots of drugs (and sells them), gambles and masturbates in front of two young women (“show me how you suck a guy’s cock”). We also get to see him wander around naked, crying and confront the image of Christ in a church (“where the fuck were you?”). Like most Ferrara movies it’s more than worth watching. With Vic Argo, Jaime Sanchez, screenwriter Lund/ Tameralis (MS. 45) and photography from Ken Kelsch. THE BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL: NEW ORLEANS (2009) was a largely unrelated but rather entertaining Werner Herzog/Nicolas Cage oddity.

BAD MAN OF DEADWOOD (1941 US) D: JOSEPH KANE W: JAMES R. WEBB Singing cowboy Roy Rogers, his horse Trigger and George “Gabby” Hayes headline this b/w B-western that runs under an hour. It’s so thoroughly routine that it hardly seems worth the ink to list all of the familiar, hardworking cast members. But I might as well do this right, and I guess there must be some fans of this fare, so here goes: Henry Brandon, Herbert Rawlinson, Wally Wales (aka Hal Taliaferno), Jay Novello, Horace Murphy, Monte Blue, Ralf Harolde, Jack Kirk, Eddie Acuff, Ernie Adams, Lynton Brent, Fred Burns, Yakima Canutt, Horace B. Carpenter, Art Dillard, Robert Frazer, Joel Friedkin, Harrison Greene, Karl Hackett, Theodore Lorch, Harry Harvey, Rex Lease, Lloyd Ingraham, George Lloyd, Jack O’Shea, Tom London, George Morrell, James C. Morton, Frank O’Connor, Pascale Perry, Jack Rockwell, Al Taylor, Archie Twitchell, Wally West and Bob Woodward.

BAD MAN’S RIVER (hunt the man down; e continuavano a fregarsi il millione di dollari; el hombre de rio malo; los hombres malros del rio; les quatre mercenaries d’el paso) (1971 ITL SPN FRA) D/W: “GENE MARTIN” (EUGENIO MARTIN) W: PHILIP YORDAN P: BERNARD GORDON Spaghetti western fans might not appreciate this comedy starring Lee Van Cleef, who leads a gang of outlaws and plays cat and mouse with a gold-digging femme fatale. Nice cast, but little action. With James Mason, Gina Lollobrigida, Gianni Garko, Diana Lorys, Eduardo Fajardo, Aldo Sambrell, José Manuel Martin, Simon Andrew, Jess Hahn, Sergio Fantoni, José Rieggo, Daniel Martin, Bernabe Barta Barri, Tito Garcia, Riccardo Palacios, Gene Collins, Robert Lombard and Dan Van Husen. The other Yordan-scripted Van Cleef western vehicle, CAPTAIN APACHE, is more interesting.

BAD MAX See: HOLLOW POINT

BAD MEN OF ARIZONA See: THE ARIZONA RAIDERS

BAD MOON (1996 CAN) D/W: ERIC RED P: JAMES G. ROBINSON Michael Pare is attacked by a big white werewolf that kills his wife. He blows its head off with a shotgun and develops a case of lyncanthorpy from his wounds. In an inscrutable twist of logic he decides to stay with his sister (Mariel Hemmingway) and her son (and heroic dog) even though he knows he’s a killer?!? Not good, but painless and it’s pretty short (about 80 mins). The transformation (computerized) FX are kinda interesting. With Mason Gamble, Ken Pogue and Hrothgar Mathews. Based on Wayne Smith’s novel Thor.

THE BAD ONE See: SORORITY GIRL

THE BAD SLEEP WELL (warui yatsu hodo yoku nemuru) (1960 JPN) D/W/P: AKIRA KUROSAWA W: SHINOBU HASHIMOTO/EIJIRO HISAITA/RYUZO KIKUSHIMA/HIDEO OGUNI Toshiro Mifune uses marriage to help him avenge deaths caused by big business corruption in this low-key business thriller based on an unproduced screenplay by Mike Y. Inoue (itself based on Shakespeare’s Hamlet). It’s well done (even if it doesn’t rank with the director’s finest) and looks great in almost noirish b/w (cinematography by Yuzuru Aizawa), but turgid and tough-going at approximately two-and-ahalf hours. With Masayuki Mori, Kyoko Kagawa, Tatsuya Mihashi, Takashi Shimura, Ko Nishimura, Takeshi Kato, Kamatari Fujiwara, Chishu Ryu, Seiji Miyaguchi, Susumu Fujita, Nobuo Nakamura, Gen Shimizu, Yoshifumi Tajima, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Kin Sugai, Yutaka Sada, Ikio Sawamura and Kunie Tanaka. A clean-shaven Mifune is excellent against type in a role that demonstrates his scope of ability, and will be unrecognisable for those who’ve only seen him as a bearded Samurai.

BAD TASTE (1987 NZ) D/W/P: PETER JACKSON W: KEN HAMMON/TONY HILES This do-it-all gorecomedy debut feature from Jackson took four years to make and was well worth the effort. The population of a small island are eaten by aliens (who drink their own puke), living in a spaceship disguised as a house. Jackson also stars alongside the excellent, inventive FX. Jackson topped it with the classic BRAINDEAD.

BAD TIMING: A SENSUAL OBSSESSION (1980 UK) D: NICOLAS ROEG W: YALE UDOFF P: JEREMY THOMAS Harvey Keitel is a detective investigating the death of Theresa Russell in Vienna. He discovers that her lover (Art Garfunkel) is a necrophiliac! Engrossing stuff, and you’ve never seen Garfunkel like this before! Drawbacks are its overlength and too much critical praise that sets you up for too much. With Denholm Elliott, Eugene Lipinski and William Hootkins.

BAD TRIP See: IRON HORSEMEN

BAIL OUT See: W.B., BLUE AND THE BEAN

BALD-HEADED BETTY (sau lui; she nu) (1975 HK) D/W: CHEUNG SUM P: ALEX GOUW Meg Lam is a girl from a good family who’s cast out by her dad after having sex at a beach party (with slo-mo dance scenes). The guy who seduced her picks her up alone in the city and convinces her to work for a perverted old couple as a hooker. Her head is shaved in a long sadistic scene, and she does johns in a series of colourful permed wigs. A twisted revenge ending with unexpected surprises makes this one well worth a watch. The score is pretty funky, and the location work nicely seedy. With James Yi Lui, Chen Hung Lieh, Michael Lai Siu Tin, Shut Ma Wa Leung, Ouyang Shafei, Ho Pak Kwong, Suen Lam, Ma Kim Tong, Chien Miu, Ling Yung, Yuk Yi, Chow Gat and everyone’s favourite goofball, Dean Shek.

BALINESE MYSTIC See: MYSTICS IN BALI

BALLAD OF A GUNMAN See: PISTOLEROS

THE BALLAD OF CABLE HOGUE (1970 US) D/P: SAM PECKINPAH W: JOHN CRAWFORD/EDMUND PENNEY After THE WILD BUNCH Peckinpah made this much more low-key western with similar themes concerning the death of the Wild West at the hands of progress. Jason Robards stars as the loner Hogue, trying to make a peaceful life for himself in a remote spot during the final years of the frontier era. The ending is memorable. The terrific cast includes Stella Stevens, David Warner (later in Peckinpah’s STRAW DOGS), Strother Martin, Slim Pickens, L.Q. Jones, R.G. Armstrong, Gene Evans and Kathleen Freeman.

BALLATA PER UN PISTOLERO See: PISTOLEROS

BALLISTICA (s.a.d.) (2009 US) D: GARY JONES W: SEAN ROURKE W/P: TONY KANDAH Dull-as-fuck cheapo espionage actioner stars Paul Logan (from MEGA PIRANHA) as some kind of special agent who rescues a kidnapped female U.S. scientist from evil Russians with some kind of bomb. The title refers to a very silly fighting style that’s basically kung fu with guns! With associate producer Martin Kove (wearing too-much eye makeup), executive producer Robert Davi, Andrew Divoff, Simon Rhee and James Lew. Jones has made more fun movies. SPIDERS, for instance.

BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER (2002 US) D/P: “KAOS” (WYCH KOSAYANADA) W: ALAN B. McELROY P: CHRIS LEE/ELIE SAMAHA Kosayanada is a Thai director who made the most expensive movie in his home country (FAH, in 1998) before coming to Hollywood to make this stylish, good-looking action film. Unfortunately it’s also vacuous and dull. The plot involves a kidnapped kid with some kind of secret hidden about his person, assassin Lucy Liu and special ops officer Antonio Banderas looking for his wife (Talisa Soto). With Gregg Henry as the main villain, Miguel Sandoval, Terry Chen and Roger B. Cross.

BAMBOO GODS AND IRON MEN (black kung fu) (1973 PHIL US) D: CESAR GALLARDO W: KEN METCALFE/ JOSEPH ZUCCHERO P: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO Pro-boxer (James Inglehart, from Santiago’s SAVAGE!) and his new wife are on their honeymoon in Asia. After saving a mute martial artist’s life in Hong Kong, they unwittingly smuggle a pouch containing something mystical and powerful inside a cheap Buddha statue to Manila. The mute (Chiquito) also follows them there and teaches Inglehart (bad) kung fu. Metcalfe (a regular in Filipino exploitation films) is the main villain who wants the pouch, and Eddie Garcia is an (unfunny) comic relief cop. Slow-moving, episodic time-waster has a certain quaint charm, but is not very good or exciting. My favourite parts were a fight early on where the dubbed-in sound FX are laughably loud, and the ending where everybody enjoys a good laugh together about the secret inside the pouch. The opening theme tune (by future Senator Tito Sotto) is great, too. With Marissa Delgado, Zubas Herero and Vic Diaz as a hotel clerk. Co-writer Zucchero has a part too. Released by AIP.

THE BAMBOO SAUCER (collision course) (1967 US) D/W: FRANK TELFORD W: “RIP” (ALFORD) VAN RONKEL/JOHN FULTON P: JERRY FAIRBANKS Test pilot Dan Duryea sees a flying saucer during an experimental flight, but no one believes him. He and a special team are asked by the government to parachute into red China (which looks suspiciously like some Californian desert locale) where the saucer has been spotted. James Hong is their contact there, and they reluctantly team-up with Russians on a similar mission. They find the saucer and run tests on it in this slow-moving but different and interesting attempt at a serious sci-fi/speculation flick. With Bob Hastings, Andy Romano, Nan Leslie and Frank Gerstle. Ronkel also wrote DESTINATION MOON.

BAMBOOZLED (2000 US) D/W/P: SPIKE LEE P: JON KILIK Here’s a mind-boggling look into the reactionary, regressive and narrow-minded world of Spike Lee (surely one of the most overrated filmmakers in recent times). Damon Wayans is a black tv executive who sells-out (and tries to get himself fired by “wigger” boss Michael Rapaport) by creating a retro blackface minstrel variety show starring “two real coons”, Mantan (Savion Glover) and the tap-dancing Sleep’n’Eat (Tommy Davidson). The two act out every old watermelon-eating, pop-eyed gag imaginable, and are backed by a band called The Alabama Porch Monkeys (played by The Roots). Far from being outraged as expected, the audience love it, and despite protests, the show becomes a hit (with fans donning blackface and quoting derogatory catchphrases). What sinks this potentially interesting satire (that may remind you of classics like NETWORK and THE PRODUCERS) is that Lee is dead serious all the way, and never once are we convinced that a modern audience would go for this concept. The other major problem is the thudding lack of subtlety. Only extremely naïve viewers of today’s media would think that racism and stereotyping doesn’t exist anymore, but Lee seems determined to set back the process half a century, and stir-up hate where in reality only the subconscious, irresponsible ghost of racism still lurks. A scary, dangerous man. With Jada Pinkett Smith, Paul Mooney, Mos Def, Sarah Jones, 3rd Bass as The Mau-Maus, Imoteph Gary Boyd (who used to write for Stevie Wonder), Johnnie Cochran, Al Sharpton, Matthew Modine, Mira Sorvino, Arthur J. Nascarella, David Wain and Coati Mundi. Old footage of vintage stereotype black performers of yesteryear features Matthew “Stymie” Beard, Charles J. Correll, Stepin Fetchit and the genuinely gifted, funny (and progressive) Mantan Moreland.

BANANAS (1971 US) D/W: WOODY ALLEN W: MICKEY ROSE P: AXEL ANDERSON/ANTONIO ENCARNACION/ JACK GROSSBERG/MANOLON VILAMI One of the best of Allen’s early hit-and-miss comedies has Allen involved with a South American revolution. Some gags are priceless, others have dated considerably, but real good fun overall. With Louise Lasser, Carlos Montalblan, Howard Cosell, Sylvester Stallone, Allen Garfield and Danny DeVito.

BANDERA BANDITS See: J AND S

BANDIDO (1956 US) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: EARL FENTON P: ROBERT L. JACKS Robert Mitchum is effortlessly cool and charismatic as a gun supplier in 1916 playing both sides of a Mexican rebellion against each other. A scene where Mitchum nonchalantly strolls through a house under fire is excellent. With Gilbert Roland, Rodolfo Acosta, José Torvay, Henry Brandon, Douglas Fowley, José Angel Espinosa, Miguel Inclan, Victor Junco, Margarite Luna and José Munozl.

THE BANDITS See: THE VIOLENT MEN

BANDOLERO! (1968 US) D: ANDREW V. McLAGLEN W: JAMES LEE BARRETT/STANLEY HOUGH P: ROBERT L. JACKS In this light, run-of-themill western, Dean Martin heads a gang of failed bank robbers on the run; Raquel Welch is their Mexican hostage, James Stewart is Martin’s brother (he robbed the bank the gang couldn’t) and George Kennedy is after them. With Andrew Prine, Will Geer, Dub Taylor, John Mitchum, Denver Pyle, Tom Heaton, Harry Carey Jr., Don “Red” Barry, Jack Mahoney, Roy Barcroft and Joe Gray. Hal Needham was the stunt co-ordinator.

BANGKOK DANGEROUS (1999 THAI) D/W: THE PANG BROS. (OXIDE and DANNY) P: NONZEE NIMIBUTR Hong Kong’s Pang (Oxide) had already made his directorial debut (TA FA LIKIT) in Thailand. This time his former editor-brother (Danny) joins forces for a none too-original, if visually flashy look, at the life of a deaf-mute assassin and his relationships that works because it’s beautifully told in a highly evocative way. The same style that oozes well-constructed simplicity can be found in their hit THE EYE (but Oxide made ONE TAKE ONLY and codirected BANGKOK HAUNTED first). They also edit their own films. This was remade as a Nicolas Cage vehicle in 2008.

BANGKOK HAUNTED (pee 3 baht) (2001 THAI) D/W/P: PISUT PRAESANGEAM D: OXIDE PANG Three-part ghost anthology whose stories are told by a trio of young women enjoying a drink in a bar. The first two (about a drum that tells of doomed love, and a dangerous love potion) are from Praesangeam, while the third (a police murder mystery) is from Pang (who later made THE EYE spookers with his editor-brother Danny in Hong Kong). They are all stylish and well-paced, but neither scary or particularly interesting or exciting.

BAN JIN BA LIANG See: THE PRIVATE EYES

THE BANKER (1989 US) D/W/P: WILLIAM WEBB W: DANA AUGUSTINE W: RICHARD BRANDES Years before AMERICAN PSYCHO, cop Robert Forster hunts a buffed-up young financial tycoon busy killing high class hookers with a crossbow, mutilating them and leaving tribal iconography behind, smeared in blood. Of course the big difference is that AMERICAN PSYCHO was good. With Richard Roundtree, Jeff Conway, Leif Garrett, David Fine, Teri Weigel and director Webb.

THE BANK SHOT (1974 US) D: GOWER CHAMPION W: WENDELL MAYES P: HAL LANDERS/BOBBY ROBERTS George C. Scott busts out of maximum-security prison in a land-mover and plots with a gang to steal a bank situated inside a mobile home (with the security guards still inside). His accomplices are Joanna Cassidy, Sorrell Brooke, Bob Balaban and Frank McCrae. With Clifton James as a prison warden on their trail, and Jack Riley. The next in this series based on the novels of Donald E. Westlake was JIMMY THE KID.

BARABBAS (1961 ITL) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: NIGEL BALCHIN/DIEGO FABBRI/CHRISTOPHER FRY/IVO PERILLI/SALVATORE QUASIMODO P: DINO DE LAURENTIIS Based on a book by Par Lagerkvist (already been filmed in Sweden in 1952), this is the story of Barabbas (Anthony Quinn), a pardoned thief who’s place on the cross is said to have been taken by Jesus Christ. It’s a good biblical epic with a great cast. Jack Palance, Silvano Mangano, Arthur Kennedy, Vittorio Gassman, Ernest Borgnine, Douglas Fowley, Katy Kurado, Harry Andrews, Valentina Cortese, Nando Angelini and Sal Borgese.

BARBARELLA (1968 FRA ITL) D/W: ROGER VADIM W: TERRY SOUTHERN/JEAN CLAUDE FOREST/VITTORIO BONICELLI/BRIAN DEGAS/CLAUDE BRULE/ TUDOR GATES/CLEMENT BIDDLE WOOD P: DINO DE LAURENTIIS This slice of 60s retro ultra-kitsch is enjoyable enough, but many are guilty of overrating it. Jane Fonda is perfectly cast as the blonde space spy who’s supposed to be looking for a missing scientist when she’s not busy having sex (offscreen). Milo O’Shea is Duran Duran, John Phillip Law is a blind angel and Anita Pallenberg is the Black Queen. With David Hemmings, Marcel Marceau, Claude Dauphin, Serge Marquand, Ugo Tognazzi, Antonio Sabato, the voice of Joan Greenwood and a device known as the orgasmatron. Could be irritating if you weren’t in the mood.

BARBARIAN GODDESS See: THE CANNIBALS

BARBER See: THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE

BARBARIAN GODDESS See: THE CANNIBALS

BARBARIAN MASTER See: THE SWORD OF THE BARBARIANS

BARBARIAN QUEEN (queen of the naked steel) (1985 ARG US) D: HECTOR OLIVERA W: HOWARD R. COEHN P: FRANK K. ISAAC/ALEX SESSA Terrible sword fighting/nudity movie stars Lana Clarkson as the leader of Amazons, castrating men during sex with her vagina lock (an idea copied from Japanese female ninja movies). With Katt Shea and Frank Zagarino. The video I saw had a “harmless outtake” after the end credits, simply a short scene repeated again! Harmless and pointless.

BARBARIAN QUEEN 2: THE EMPRESS STRIKES BACK (la reina barbara) (1989 US MEX) D: JOE FINLEY W: HOWARD R. COHEN/LANCE SMITH P: ALAN KRONE/ANTHONY NORWAY/ROGER CORMAN (uncredited) Lana Clarkson returns as a different character in this equally bad sequel filmed in Mexico. She’s the daughter of a dead king who refuses to reveal the powerful secrets of a magic sword to the new oppressor. She runs away and leads an all-female rebel army. When looking at Clarkson suspended topless, the villain utters “what an awesomely disgusting sight”.

THE BARBARIANS (the barbarians and co.; I barbari) (1987 ITL) D: RUGGERO DEODATO W: JAMES R. SILKE P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS Amusing period fantasy from Cannon is pretty darn silly, but obviously isn’t taking itself too seriously. It stars “The Barbarian Brothers,” huge, almost deformed bodybuilder real-life brothers David and Peter Paul. Kadar (Richard Lynch) is an evil tyrant who snatches the two kid brothers from their “family” of travelling performers. They grow up in “Dirtmaster” Michael Berryman’s “pit” where they are beaten and tortured. Eventually they escape and the hunt is on for a magic ruby that will restore peace in the land. Fairly lavish-looking production, but a mechanical dragon isn’t up to much. There’s a wolfman, too. The Pauls don’t seem to mind mugging around and making fun of themselves, and Berryman looks completely out to lunch. With “George Eastman” (Luigi Montefiore), Giovanni Cianfriglia and Benito Stefanelli. Lynch and Berryman were also in Deodato’s CUT AND RUN.

THE BARBARIC BEAST OF BOGGY CREEK, PART 2 (boggy creek 2: and the legend continues…) (1985 US) D/W/P : CHARLES B. PIERCE P: JOY N. HOUCK JR. Pierce seems to have ignored the unrelated follow up to his LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK (RETURN TO BOGGY CREEK from 1977) and furnished his own official, God-awful sequel. Pierce himself plays a professor who heads off into the Arkansas wilderness with a few college student assistants and some hi-tech equipment to track the man in a monster suit. Southern outhouse humour relieves the “tension”.

BARBED WIRE DOLLS (caged women; frauen gefangnis) (1975 W.GER SWITZ) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO P: E.C. DIETRICH Typically sleazy women-in-prison nonsense from Franco with the expected nudity, humiliation and torture. Worth watching for the hilarious scene in which Franco attempts to assault the lovely Lina Romay in slow motion. Except instead of altering the camera speed, they try to act it out very slowly! The results are unbelievable and you can see Romay struggling to keep back the giggles! With Paul Muller and Monica Swinn.

BARB WIRE (1996 US) D: DAVID HOGAN W: CHUCK PFARRER/ILENE CHAIKEN P: MIKE RICHARDSON/ TODD MOYER/BRAD WYMAN In the year 2017, during the Second American Civil War, Pamela Anderson (Lee) is a bounty hunter called Barb Wire who helps a resistance group expose Nazi-esque Steve Railsback’s plans to release a H.I.V.-style virus that can kill within 12 hours. Anderson shows her cleavage a lot and impales a stiletto in a guy’s face because he called her “babe”. Based on Chris Warner’s Dark Horse comic book series, it’s stupid and cartoonish, but in all the wrong ways. With Udo Kier, Xander Berkeley, Clint Howard, Andre Rosey Brown, Tony Bill, Tiny Lister, Nils Allen Stewart, an A-TEAM reference and a DELTA FORCE motorbike.

BARE-FOOTED KID See: THE BAREFOOT KID

BARE-FOOTED MONK See: THE BAREFOOT KID

THE BAREFOOT KID (bare-footed kid; bare-footed monk; young hero; chik geuk siu ji; chi jiao xiao zi) (1993 HK) D: JOHNNIE TO W: YAU NAI HOI P: MONA FONG Aaron Kwok stars as the title peasant boy caught-up in a war between business rivals in this remake of CHINATOWN KID. There are some impressive action sequences that make use of diligent wirework, but it’s mostly pretty flat and slow-going. With Ti Lung, Maggie Cheung, Wu Chien-Lien, Kenneth Tsang, Paul Chu and Wong Yut Fei. Choreography by Liu Chia Liang.

BARFLY (1987 US) D/P: BARBET SCHROEDER W: CHARLES BUKOWSKI P: TOM LUDDY/FRED ROOS Mickey Rourke is extremely well-cast as an alcoholic LA writer (more-or-less Bukowski) living from day to day. Frank Stallone is a bartender at his local who has a regular nightly punch-up with him. Faye Dunaway is his new drunken girlfriend, Alice Krige helps get him published and Jack Nance is a P.I. Very good stuff from Cannon (and Francis Ford Coppola’s Zoetrope). With Pruitt Taylor Vince, J.C. Quinn, Fritz Feld and Bukowski himself (who wrote a book, Hollywood, about the experience). Schroeder also made THE CHARLES BUKOWSKI TAPES.

A BARGAIN WITH SATAN See: THE STUDENT OF PRAGUE

BARKING DOGS NEVER BITE (higher animal; flandersui gae) (2000 S.KOR) D/W: JOON-HO BONG W: JI-HO SONG/DEREK SON TAE WONG P: MIN-HWAN CHO Sung-Jae Lee (PUBLIC ENEMY) is a frustrated wannabe professor with a selfish pregnant wife who’s driven to distraction by the barking of a neighbour’s dog. Du-Na Bae (an attractive former model who drops the glamour for a more nerdy look in a great performance) is a bored, somewhat pathetic public office worker who wants to get on tv. To trace the trajectory of the story in this review would really spoil the surprises in store, as this is a highly original and arresting black comedy featuring scenes that sensitive dog lovers may not appreciate. With Ho-Jung Kim. The director followed with MEMORIES OF MURDER.

BARN OF THE NAKED DEAD (terror circus; nightmare circus) (1973 US) D/W/P: ALAN RUDOLPH W: ROMAN VALENTI Rudolph’s second feature after PREMONITION could have been a misogynistic exploitation classic… but it’s not. Andrew Prine stars as a guy out in the Nevada desert who seems kindly as he helps out stranded women and takes them to his ranch. But they soon end up as chained “animals” in his “circus,” whipped, mistreated and even killed when he releases a cougar (!) to chase them through the desert. A stupid subplot involves a H-bomb mutant. This sounds much more interesting than it is, but fans of later Rudolph might want to check it out for a change of pace. With Sheila Bromley. David Keith was a stuntman.

BARON BLOOD (baron vampire; gli orrori del castello di noremberga) (1972 ITL W.GER) D: MARIO BAVA W: VINCENT FOTRE P: ALFREDO LEONE One of Bava’s most underappreciated is an effective chiller in which an evil old baron, who had villagers impaled, now a rotting corpse, comes back to life at a big old ancestral castle. Elke Sommer is responsible for the curse being invoked and Joseph Cotten is suspected as the murderer. Bava’s gorgeous colour photograhpy helps no end in capturing a great, gothic pulpy atmosphere. With Umberto Raho, Massimo Girotti, Luciano Pigozzi and Maurice Poli.

BARON VAMPIRE See: BARON BLOOD

THE BARRACUDA (1987) See: ACT OF PIRACY

BARRACUDA: TERROR OF THE SEA (198? PHIL) D: AUGSTO SALVADOR W: VAL ALETA Not a killer shark movie, but a dull action quickie involving pirates, treasure and samurai swords. A rarity, but not worth rediscovering. [Illus.]

BARTON FINK (1991 US) D/W/P: JOEL COEN/ ETHAN COEN In one of the Coens’ least commercial movies, John Turturro is a playwright in Hollywood trying to write his first screenplay (a wrestling movie). He stays in a hotel (Steve Buscemi is the bellboy) with peeling wallpaper and suffers from serious writer’s block. John Goodman is his cheerful neighbour who turns out to be a serial killer. It starts as a quirky, deadpan comedy and becomes a nightmarish horror movie. Often accused of being downright pretentious, it’s in fact a masterful piece of work. With John Mahoney, Michael Lerner, Tony Shalhoub, Jon Polito, Richard Porthow, Max Grodenchik and Judy Davis.

BASIC (formation extreme) (2003 CAN US GER) D: JOHN McTIERNAN W: JAMES VANDERBILT P: MIKE MEDAVOY/ARNOLD MESSER/MICHAEL TADROSS Ex-army interrogator John Travolta is called in to help reluctant Connie Nielsen get information from the two surviving soldiers (Brian Van Holt and Giovanni Ribisi) of a training unit that got killed-off during manouevres in a hurricane-swept jungle in Panama. I guess it’s an engaging enough thriller, but the terrible surprise ending might make you wish you hadn’t bothered investing the time. With Samuel L. Jackson, Taye Diggs, Timothy Daly, Christina de la Fuente, Harry Connick Jr. and Roselyn Sanchez.

BASIC INSTINCT (1992 US) D: PAUL VERHOEVEN W: JOE ESZTERHAS P: ALAN MARSHALL Michael Douglas is a man-in-peril again, falling under the spell of leg-crossing femme fatale Sharon Stone in this major hit erotic thriller. Eszterhas got paid a record $3m (!) for his clichéd, derivative script and the professional Verhoeven turned it into a passable audience-pleaser. With Jeanne Tripplehorn, George Dzundza, James Rebhorn, Mitch Pileggi, Dorothy Malone, Wayne Knight, Stepehen Tobolowsky, Daniel Von Barger, David Welles and Peter Appel. 2006 saw a BASIC INSTINCT 2.

BASKET CASE (1982 US) D/W: FRANK HENENLOTTER P: EDGAR IEVINS Henenlotter’s debut immediately became a cult success and deservedly so. It’s a satisfyingly sleazy tale of Duane (Kevin Van Hentenryck), who arrives in New York City with a big picnic basket. He feeds meat to something living inside. It turns out to be his deformed Siamese twin Belial who was illegally removed from his side and thrown in the trash when they were kids. They have a psychic link and track down and kill the doctors responsible. The FX are ropey but fitting, and there’s plenty of unique scenes, situations and gore for it to still be fascinating. A real must-see. Porno veteran Jerry Butler is in the cast. It’s dedicated to Herschell Gordon Lewis, but the 1965 oscurity DARK INTRUDER had a more direct influence. Sequels followed, but first Henenlotter made the incredible BRAIN DAMAGE.

BASKET CASE 2 (1990 US) D/W: FRANK HENENLOTTER P: EDGAR IEVINS This very good sequel goes further into Tod Browning territory. Duane and Belial move to Staten Island to live with Granny Ruth (Annie Ross) at her Freaks Rights haven, which is filled with many (excellent) latex mutations. Belial falls in love and even has sex (I’m still not sure how), and Hetenrycks’ acting has not improved. There’s a great scene in a darkened bar and Ross is wonderful. With Leonard Jackson and Jason Evers (from THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN’T DIE; note Pinhead homage). Filmed back to back with FRANKENHOOKER.

BASKET CASE 3: THE PROGENY (1991 US) D/W: FRANK HENENLOTTER W: ROBERT MARTIN P: EDGAR IEVINS This rushed-seeming final entry is the least in the series, but is still fun. Duane, Belial, Granny Ruth and the freaks move to Atlanta in a school bus when Belial’s girlfriend gets pregnant (she gives birth to twelve children). The local police are hostile, so a final showdown between Belial and the town sheriff spoofs ALIENS (it’s pretty funny). There’s even more latex FX than before (wait until you see Little Al) and even a musical number (“Personality”), but it all seems somewhat strained. Henenlotter proved that he hasn’t lost his touch, however, when he delivered the underrated BAD BIOLOGY in 2008. In 2010, his Herschell Gordon Lewis documentary, THE GODFATHER OF GORE, was released.

BASTARD KUNG FU MASTER See: RING OF DEATH

BATALLION OF THE LIVING DEAD See: NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES (1981)

BATES MOTEL (1987 US) D/W: RICHARD ROTHSTEIN P: KEN TOPOLSKY Horror fans should steer clear of this extremely ill-advised and non-horror tv pilot for a series that took over two decades to finally happen, albeit in a very different form. Weird baby-faced Bud Cort plays a young man who murdered his abuser as a child. His psychiatrist (Robert Piacrdo) decides it would be good if he befriended institutionalised Norman Bates (a Tony Perkins lookalike), locked-up after the events of the original PSYCHO (this ignores the sequels). After Norman dies, Cort inherits the Bates Motel. Squatter Lori Petty and handyman Moses Gunn help him to do up the place for a reopening, and banker Gregg Henry is unmasked in a stupid Scooby-Doo ending. Meanwhile some ghosts of 50s teen suicides (including Jason Bateman) preventing a female writer and motel guest from committing suicide gives an indication of where the proposed series was going. What the hell were they thinking? With Robert Axelrod, Lee De Broux and Buck Flower. The only comparison I can think of is if the ghost of Leatherface appeared to give the staff at a tool store friendly advice every week.

THE BATMAN (an evening with batman and robin) (1943 US) D: LAMBERT HILLYER W: VICTOR McLEOD/LESLIE SWABACKER/HARRY L. FRASER P: RUDOLPH C. FLOTHROW This 15-part serial was the first screen adaption of Bob Kane’s comic book. Lewis Wilson is Batman and Douglas Croft is Robin. J. Carroll Naish is the evil Japanese villain Dr. Daka (although he’s not in the politically correct re-edited Sony reissue). Daka has a machine that turns men into zombies, so they can steal uranium for him to power his death ray. It’s the perfect serial plot and this is a lot of fun to watch. With Shirley Patterson, William Austin, Lynton Brent, George Chesebro, Dick Curtis, Lester Dorr, Kenne Duncan, Robert Fiske, Sam Flint, Terry Frost, Gus Glassmire, Karl Hackett, Earle Hodgins, Jack Ingram, I. Stanford Jolley, Tom London, Charles Middleton, Charles C. Wilson, Frank Shannon, Anthony Warde, Ted Dieser, Bud Osborne, Stanley Price, Eddie Kane, George J. Lewis, John Maxwell and Pat O’Malley. A sequel serial was BATMAN AND ROBIN.

BATMAN (1966 US) D: LESLIE MARTINSON W: LORENZO SEMPLE JR. P: WILLIAM DOZIER A fun feature spin-off from the ultra-campy 60s tv series that I grew up on (early morning repeats). Adam West and Burt Ward are Batman and Robin and there are four fun villains: Joker (Cesar Romero), Penguin (Burgess Meredith), Riddler (Frank Gorshin) and Catwoman (Lee Meriwether). My favourite parts include the bomb disposal scene and the shark repellent spray. With regulars Neil Hamilton as Commissioner Gordon, Stafford Rapp as Chief O’Hara and Alan Napier as Alfred the butler. Also with Reginald Denny, Milton Frome, Gil Perkins, Ivan Triesault, Gregory Gaye, Sterling Holloway, Harry Lauter, George J. Lewis and William Tannen. If only it had King Tut and the Mad Hatter, too!

BATMAN (1989 US UK) D: TIM BURTON W: SAM HAMM/WARREN SKAAREN P: PETER GUBER/JON PETERS After the camp 60s tv series, Burton’s third feature tried to return the concept to the darker roots of Bob Kane’s comics. Michael Keaton is badly cast as Batman and Jack Nicholson is very good as The Joker. It looks great and was a major hit, but it doesn’t quite gel. I’d still rather watch Adam West and Burt Ward (or the 40s serials). With Michael Gough as Alfred the butler, Kim Basinger, Robert Wuhl, Jack Palance, Pat Hingle, Billy Dee Williams, Jerry Hall, Tracey Walter, Philip Tan and Michael Balfour. Prince is on the soundtrack, unfortunately. BATMAN RETURNS was the first sequel.

BATMAN AND ROBIN (an evening with batman and robin; the adventures of batman and robin; the new adventure of batman and robin) (1949 US) D: SPENCER GORDON BENNETT W: GEORGE H. PLYMPTON/JOSEPH F. POLAND/ ROYAL K. COLE P: SAM KATZMAN Fifteenchapter serial sequel to THE BATMAN is equally as fun (but in the postwar years, not nearly as racist). Robert Lowry is Batman and John Duncan is Robin. This time the villain is The Wizard, who has an invisibility/energy draining/freeze ray (cool!). With Raplh Graves, Don C. Harvey, William Fawcett, Rusty Westcoatt, Phil Arnold, John Doucette, Leonard Penn, Rick Vallin, Michael Whaeln, House Peters Jr., Eddie Parker, Emmett Vogan and Eric Wilton.

BATMAN AND ROBIN (1997 US) D: JOEL SCHUMACHER W: AKIVA GOLDSMAN P: PETER MacGREGOR SCOTT Everyone hated this fourth Batman movie on its release, but it’s not really that terrible. The main problem is that George Clooney (replacing Val Kilmer) is too smug to play the lead. Chris O’Donnell returns as Robin, and Michael Gough is still Alfred. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the wisecracking Mr. Freeze who uses a telescope as a huge freeze gun to ice Gotham. Uma Thurman is Poison Ivy and Alicia Silverstone is the English schoolgirl Batgirl. With Pat Hingle, Elle MacPherson, John Glover (who creates a superstrong monster in a Santo-like mask), Vivicia A. Fox, Eric Lloyd, Michael Paul Chan, Kimerly Scott, Jesse Ventura, Coolio, Ralf Moeller and Nicky Katt. More recently, Christopher Nolan’s very good Batman reboot (starring Christian Bale) comprises BATMAN BEGINS (2005), THE DARK KNIGHT (2008) and THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (2012).

BATMAN FOREVER (1995 US) D: JOEL SCHUMACHER W: LEE BATCHLER/JANET SCOTT BATCHLER/ AKIVA GOLDSMAN P: TIM BURTON/PETER MacGREGOR SCOTT Despite having two annoying villains (Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face and Jim Carrey as The Riddler), this third entry is more entertaining in an overkill way. Val Kilmer replaces Michael Keaton as Batman, Chris O’Donnell is Robin, Nicole Kidman and Drew Barrymore provide the glamour, and Michael Gough is still Alfred. With Pat Hingle as Commisioner Gordon, Joe Grifasi, Michael Paul Chan, Don “the dragon” Wilson, En Vogue, Jed Curtis, Debi Mazar, Rene Auberjonois, Kimberly Scott, Jon Favreau and Ed Begley Jr. Next was BATMAN AND ROBIN.

BATMAN: MASK OF PHANTASM (1993 ANIMATED US) D: ERIC RADOMSKI/BRUCE W. TIMM P: BENJAMIN MELNIKER/MICHAEL USLAN W: ALAN BURNETT/ PAUL DINI/MARTIN PASO/MICHAEL REAVES This fun Warners cartoon tries (and mostly succeeds) in capturing the Bob Kane comic book feel with its retro animation style. Stacy Keach, Kevin Conroy, Dana Delaney, Mark Hamill, John P. Ryan, Dick Miller, Abe Vigoda, Hart Bochner and Efram Zimbalist Jr. provide voices. There were several further animated features.

BATMAN RETURNS (1992 US) D/P: TIM BURTON W: DANIEL WALTERS/SAM HAMM P: DENISE DiNOVI This sequel to the 1989 hit BATMAN doesn’t quite work either, but it’s more dark and cartoonish and enjoyable. Christopher Walken is the corporate villain Max Schrek, Danny DeVito (in Stan Winston makeup) is The Penguin and Michelle Pfeiffer is a leather-clad Catwoman (after being licked by cats!). Pat Hingle and Michael Gough return as Commisioner Gordon and Alfred. With Vincent Schiavelli, Stuart Lancaster, Paul Reubens, Jan Hooks, Branscombe Richmond, Sean Whalen, Lisa Coles and Robert Gossett. A different director helmed BATMAN FOREVER next.

THE BAT PEOPLE See: IT LIVES BY NIGHT

BAT PUSSY (1973 US) This is quite possibly the most inept attempt at a pornographic movie yet undertaken, but it might also be the greatest movie ever made. A seemingly drunken guy with tattoos reads the old tabloid-look Screw magazine, before turning his attention to his naked wife on the bed. She’s overweight, is covered in freckles and has a beehive hairdo. These two roll around on the bed performing cunnilingus on each other (badly) inbetween trading insults. They swear a lot (“motherfucker” is used frequently), criticise each others’ sex techniques, and sometimes just say weird shit (he mentions fucking her nose several times). Then we suddenly cut to “Bat Pussy Headquarters” (scrawled in felt tip on cardboard), where another naked lady gets angry when her “twot” senses something. Apparently some “dirty motherfuckers” are shooting a fuck film in her “beloved Gotham city”. She dons green tights, gym shorts, a green t-shirt with a Batman emblem on it, a green cape and a black mask. Then we cut back to that couple again, still busy trading insults. When we return to Bat Pussy, she leaves her HQ (looking like an outhouse from the outside), and bounces on a space-hopper (!) through the countryside as some cool instrumental rock plays. We keep cutting back and forth like this as the couple (who seem like they might really be married) jabber on, and Bat Pussy continues her journey along the highway by space-hopper (pausing only to take a leak, and beat on a would-be rapist). Eventually Bat Pussy arrives at the loudmouth couple’s house (“it’s a misunderstanding”) and… she jumps in the bed and joins in with the licking and insults! At the end of 51 mins she just buggers off. This seriously weird release from Something Weird Video (a Dragon Art Theatre double bill with the same year’s BABY BUBBLES) seems like a Southern (dig the accents) sleaze variation on the Andy Warhol school of just-turn-the-camera-on-and-leave-it technique. The performers frequently take prompts from offscreen, and the director and a loud echoing crew member burp (!) can be heard. No one gets around to proper intercourse, and the guy’s dick never gets erect. Can you imagine men in raincoats paying to see this in a theatre? The mind boggles. Hilarious.

BATS (1999 US) D: LOUIS MORNEAU W: JOHN LOGAN P: BRAD JENK/LOUIS ROSNER Genetically altered killer bats from Indonesia attack a small town in Texas. Lou Diamond Phillips doesn’t cut it as a southern sheriff and a black character provides endless irritating comic relief. Dina Meyer co-stars, with Bob Gunton. Awful.

*BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED (1987 US) D/W: MATTHEW ROBBINS W: BRAD BIRD/BRENT MADDOCK/ S.S. WILSON/MICK GARRIS P: RONALD L. SCHWARY Who would have thought that the cult classic LIQUID SKY would be recycled as a heartwarming sci-fi for all the family in the COCOON mould! Some cute robots from space rebuild a tenement for old people and nice guys threatened by crooked land developers. Steven Spielberg was an executive producer for this extra sickly flop that’ll annoy fans of Slava Tsukerman’s original. With James Le Gros, Jessica Tandy, Hume Cronyn, Elizabth Pena, Dennis Boutsikaris and Tom Adredge.

BATTLE BENEATH THE EARTH (battle beneath the sea) (1967 UK) D: MONTGOMERY TULLY W: LANCE Z. HARGREAVES P: CHARLES REYNOLDS Kerwin Matthews (THE 7TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD) leads the defensive against communist Chinese (led by the not-very-Oriental Martin Benson) who’ve burrowed underground all the way to America to release nuclear bombs. Ridiculous piece of pulp is more memorable than it is good. With Bessie Love. It was Tully’s final year as a director, in which his THE TERRORNAUTS was also released.

BATTLE BENEATH THE SEA See: BATTLE BENEATH THE EARTH

BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS (1980 US) D: JIMMY T. MURAKAMI W: JOHN SAYLES/ANNE DYER P: ED CARLIN Cheap STAR WARS copy via SEVEN SAMURAI/MAGNIFICENT SEVEN courtesy of executive producer Roger Corman’s New World. Richard Thomas pulls together a team of space wanderers to defend his planet against evil John Saxon (who only has one arm). With Robert Vaughn, George Peppard as Cowboy, Darlane Fluegell, Sybil Danning in some outrageous costumes, Jeff Corey and Marta Kristen. Silly, watchable, but overlong for this kind of nonsense.

BATTLE CREEK BRAWL See: THE BIG BRAWL

BATTLEFIELD ABYSS See: 2010: MOBY DICK

BATTLEFIELD BASEBALL See: BATTLEFIELD STADIUM

BATTLEFIELD EARTH: A SAGA OF THE YEAR 3000 (2000 US) D: ROGER CHRISTIAN W: CORY MANDELL/J.D. SHAPIRO P: ELIE SAMAHA/JONATHAN D. KRANE In the future, long-haired aliens have taken over the Earth and use the remaining humans as slaves. John Travolta is enjoyable to watch as the main villain and there are some nice touches and an offbeat sense of humour, but ultimately this sucks. Based on a novel by L. Ron Hubbard. With Forest Whitaker, Kelly Preston, Barry Pepper, Kim Coates, Michael Byrne, Richard Tyson, Tim Post, Michael Perron, Jason Cavalier, Russell Yuen and Noel Burton.

BATTLEFIELD STADIUM (battlefield baseball; jigoku koshien) (2002 JPN) D/W: YUDAI YAMAGUCHI W: ISAO KIRIYAMA P: RYUHEI KITAMURA This very silly and cartoonish comedy is about a school whose baseball team has to go up against a team of (zombie-look) psychos that kill the opposition in death battle matches. There are musical numbers and lots of severed bodyparts. Tak Sakaguchi (from producer Kitamura’s VERSUS) stars as the hero with a superfast pitch. With Hiroyuki Konishi and manga writer Yoshikazu Ebisu. This is actually based on a manga by Manga Tarou. A short film about a boy’s quest for the perfect ramen (by the same people, I think) that usually precedes the feature on tape or dvd is much funnier.

BATTLE FOR SHAOLIN (shaolin intruders; saam chong siu lam; san chuang shao lin) (1983 HK) D: TANG CHIA W: LING YUN/I. KUANG/HUNG HAK/RILEY YIP KAM-HUNG P: WONG HA HEE/MONA FONG Traitors within the walls of the Shaolin temple must be uncovered in this excellent, action-packed kung fu movie that should be more well known. Hand-to-hand combat, swordplay, acrobatic formations and genuinely impressive wirework combine for extreme entertainment. With Derek Yee Tung Sing, Jason Pai Piao, Elvis Tsui, Chan Shen, Kwan Fung, Lee Hoi Sang, Alan Chan Gwok Kuen and Guk Fung. The masterful choreography is by Tang Chia, Huang Pei Chi, Yuan Hua, Yuan Fei, Chiang Chuan and Li Hai Cheng. The bootlegged copy I saw was apparently “edited for television”. Tang Chia choreographed many a kung fu classic and directed IRON FINGERS OF DEATH the same year, and then OPIUM AND THE KUNG FU MASTER. I wish he’d directed more.

BATTLE FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (1973 UK) D: J. LEE THOMPSON W: JOHN WILLIAM and JOYCE HOOPER CORRINGTON/PAUL DEHN P: ARTHUR P. JACOBS Last and least (but still not bad) APES sequel has apes and humans living in harmony (but not equality) in a post-nuke world. Vengeful mutant humans and ignorant gorillas threaten to tip the balance. Roddy McDowall and Austin Stoker (ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13) are the simian and homosapien heroes, respectively. With Severn Darden, John Huston (a wisecracking Orangutan), Claude Akins, Lew Ayres, Colleen Camp and director John Landis (SCHLOCK). Frank Capra Jr. was an associate producer. The following year a Planet of the Apes tv series debuted. The next official APES feature (following Tim Burton’s disastrous remake) was the welcome RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011).

BATTLE FOR THE TREASURE (1988) D: BURT PETERSEN W: DEREK LAW P: TOMAS TANG A nononsense cop called Roger Cane (“there’s only one way to deal with the situation, and that’s my way”) is sent on a mission to retrieve a valuable Cambodian piece of jade which the Vietcong are also after (the time period is very confused, sometimes it’s the present day, and then suddenly the war is in full swing). This is basically your typical, mindless action release from Filmark International, but it’s a little more ambitious than most (an elephant brings down a helicopter with its trunk, one chase scene involves hangliders and a harpoon gun) and you can’t deny that our hero looks cool flying about with his jetpack (equipped with guns). But lest I get ahead of myself here, may I remind you that it’s still pretty much the expected boredom punctuated with gun-fire and explosions. The Japanese ex-rental tape of this obscurity (you try finding any information on it) I picked up was in English and letterboxed! I assume the director’s name is fake. Made in Thailand maybe?

BATTLE GIRL See: LIVING DEAD IN TOKYO BAY

BATTLE HEATER (1989 JPN) D/W: JOJHI IIDA W: GORO NAKAJIMA P: ICHIRO NITA/MOTO SEDA/ TAKAOMI DEGUCHI A “kotatsu” is a special dining table used by Japanese people that has a heater on it’s underside to keep your legs warm. An evil kotatsu that mutates into a monster and eats people is the subject of this grating comedy horror vehicle for the once-popular comedic punk band Bakufu Slump. It’s not big, it’s not clever and the ending spoofs ALIENS. With Akira Emoto, Yuji Miyake, Yasuko Tamita, Hisahiro Ogura (he has the best part as a corpse), Shigeru Muroi, Takaiyasu Komiya, Tatsuo Kamori, Goro Kishitani and Hisako Hara. Based on a manga by A.Z. Shimakawa and Mikaki Mutsuki. From the director of CYCLOPS.

BATTLE HERO See: BATTLE FOR THE TREASURE

BATTLE IN OUTER SPACE (uchu daisenso) (1959 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: SHINNICHI SEKIZAWA/ JYOJIRO OKAMI P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA In this follow up to Honda’s THE MYSTERIANS (1957), Earth is under attack from aliens with the technology to easily wreak destruction. In one of the opening scenes, they lift a railway bridge so the train just plummets over a cliff! After much feuding between world leaders, an international crew (mostly Japanese and some white people who don’t say much) launch into space for laser battles. Not really that good a film, but the very colourful pop art and sci-fi pulp designs and FX are fun to watch. Eiji Tsubaraya’s (obvious) miniature work is very good. With Ryo Ikebe, Kyoko Anzai, Minoru Takada, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Nadao Kirino, Fuyuki Murukami and Ikio Sawamura.

BATTLE IN PRISON See: LOCKED DOWN

BATTLE LEAGUE HORUMO (kamogawa horumo) (2009 JPN) D: KATSUHIDE MOTOKI W: MARUO KYOZUKA P: TAKASHI YAJIMA/CHIAKI NOJI Students at Kyoto University join the Azure Dragon Club, one of several rival groups who practice Horumo battles. This is the ancient art of using martial arts/dance poses to control small armies of cute baby-faced “demons” (invisible to non-members) in battle. (Fallen little men can be revived by raisins.) The concept (based on Manabe Makime’s novel) is so weird as to be memorable, and some battle scenes (choreographed by co-star Yoshi Yoshi Arakawa) are quite inventive, but it’s a shame that this alleged comedy is never funny. Not exactly recommended, but a curious failure for students of the offbeat. Takayuki Yamada and Chiaki Kuriyama star, with Takeru Hamada, Renji Ishibashi, Papaiya Suzuki, real twins Shota and Keta Saito, Megumi Sato, Masahiro Koomoto and Tsuruko Shofukute.

BATTLE LOS ANGELES (world invasion; mission: los angeles) (2011 US) D: JONATHAN LIEBESMAN W: CHRIS BERTOLINI/SHANE BLACK (uncredited) P: JEFFREY CHERNOV/ORI MARMUR/NEAL H. MORITZ Robotic-look aliens have attacked major cities across the Earth. In LA, a squad of Marines has to rescue civilians before a strategic air strike hits, and eventually save the city from defeat. Aaron Eckhart stars. Big, loud FX-laden crap (shot mostly on sets in Louisiana) didn’t hold my attention for a minute, and the gung-ho pro-military propaganda contained didn’t help. With Ramon Rodriguez, Michelle Rodriguez, Bridget Moynahan, Ne-Yo and Michael Pena. From the director of TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING.

BATTLE OF THE GIANTS See: ONE MILLION B.C.

BATTLE OF THE STARS See: WAR OF THE PLANETS (1978)

BATTLE QUEEN 2020 (millenium queen; amazonnes queen) (1999 CAN US) D/P: DANIEL D’OR W: WILLIAM D. BOSTJANDIC/MICHAEL B. DRUXMAN/ BILLY HULKOVER/CARON NIGHTINGALE P: G. PHILIP JACKSON After an asteroid strike results in another ice age, “the elite” of Earth live underground and give food to the poor in return for their female children who are bred as mistresses. Jeff Wincott is a high ranking official who lets his mistress (Julie Strain) see her family sometimes. A new girl helps start a revolution (along with some softcore lesbian sex scenes!). Dumb and cheap-looking semi-erotic nonsense has occasional comic book panel freezeframes and lots of snowmobiles riding around in negative.

BATTLE ROYALE: SURVIVAL PROGRAM (2000 JPN) D: KINJI FUKASAKU W/P: KENTA FUKASAKU P: KIMIU KATAGIRI/CHIE KOBAYASHI/MASUO IJIMA In the near future, unemployment and school truancy are so high that the government must find a harsh solution. An unruly class of 42 students are chosen to take part in BR. This means that they are dumped on a small island with luck-of-the-draw weapons (ranging from guns and axes to boiling-pot lids) and forced to fight and kill each other. The lone survivor gets to go home. They also have an electronic collar around their necks that will explode if any unorthodox rebellion occurs. Based on Hiroharu Takami’s novel, this very controversial (and very violent) action satire is well-paced, exciting and thought-provoking. Takeshi Kitano is well-cast as the deadpan teacher who oversees proceedings. With Tatsuya Fujiwara, Aki Maeda, Taroo Yamamoto, Chiaki Kuriyama, Kou Shibasaki, Yuu Murasashi and Michiko Yamamura. Director Fukasaku is more famous outside Japan for the sci-fi films THE GREEN SLIME and MESSAGE FROM SPACE (1978), and the cult BLACK LIZARD, but violent action movies like this are his forte.

BATTLE ROYALE 2: REQUIEM (2003 JPN) D/W/P: KENTA FUKASAKU D: KINJI FUKASAKU P: KIMIO KATAOKA/HIKARU KAWASE This sequel proclaims itself to be a Kinji Fukasaku film, but in reality the late, underrated man only directed a few scenes before his demise. This is very much his son Kenta’s directorial debut. If Kinji had been on-board, maybe he could have better handled the (admittedly brave and praiseworthy) attempts at anti-US satire post 9/11. As it stands the political angle is shallow, confused and unsubtle. The rest of the film is effectively a rerun of events in the original, meshed to a botched message movie. The results are pretty boring. With Tatuya Fujiwara, Natsuki Kato, Aki Maeda, Ajai Maki Hamada and Masaya Kikawada, plus bit parts from Takeshi Kitano and Sonny Chiba, with Riki Takeuchi overacting to the hilt in what appears to be a different film entirely.

BATTLE RUNNER See: THE RUNNING MAN

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (curse of the cylons) (1978 US) D: RICHARD A. COLLA/ALAN J. LEVI W: GLEN A. LARSON P: JOHN DYKSTRA Remember this shitty STAR WARS-inspired tv series? Well here’s the pilot. Richard Hatch stars, with Dirk Benedict as Starbuck, Lorne Green, Patrick Macnee, Jane Seymour, Ray Milland and Ed Begley Jr. The bad guys are robots called Cylons. Richard Lynch is in the trailer but didn’t appear until later tv episodes. The strangest part is the two-mouthed singer/dancer at a bar. MISSION GALACTICA, CONQUEST OF THE EARTH, GALACTICA 1980 and BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: THE SECOND COMING were other tv features that flogged a dead horse. It returned to tv screens in 2003.

BATTLES WITHOUT HONOR AND HUMANITY See: THE YAKUZA PAPERS

BATTLETRUCK See: WARLORDS OF THE TWENTYFIRST CENTURY

BATTLE TRUCK 2053 See: NEON CITY

BATTLE WIZARD (tin lung baat biu; tian long ba bu) (1977 HK) D: PAO HSUEH LI W: I. KUANG/CHIN YUNG P: RUN RUN SHAW The print I saw of this Shaw Bros fantasy only ran about 75 mins (and came from a reliable source), but it’s disjointed structure could be attributed to the fact that it may be cut down from something longer. Danny Lee stars as a womanising prince who doesn’t have the patience to learn kung fu, so befriends a young snake-loving woman (Tanny) who tells him of a giant snake with blood that can make a man invincible. That’s how it starts and Lee does indeed drink the snake’s blood and becomes invincible, but I’m not sure how the other stuff ties in. Kong Do plays an amputee with extending metal legs (and he can breathe fire)! Another female character has a big bone that shoots darts. Also with a magic glowing toad, a man-in-a-suit gorilla, great Shaw sets, styrofoam rocks and enough colourful visual FX magic for several other films. It’s never boring. With Wai Wang. The director made the CHARLIE’S ANGELS ripoff DEADLY ANGELS the same year.

A BAY OF BLOOD (bloodbath; twitch of the death nerve; last house on the left 2; reazione a catena; antefatto- ecologia del delitto) (1971 ITL) D/W: MARIO BAVA W: CARLO REALI/FILIPPO OTTONI/DARDANO SACCHETTI/FRANCO BARBERI W/P: “JOSEPH McLEE” (GIUSEPPE ZACCARIELLO) A bunch of teens at a holiday resort get killed off one-by-one in this, the original and still the best body count slasher flick with gory deaths as set pieces. The ever-stylish Bava is at his best here, and the ending is great. I had the pleasure of seeing this on the big-screen, and I recommend that you forget all about Camp Crystal Lake and do so, too, if you get the chance. With Claudine Auger, Luigi Pistilli, Leopoldo Trieste, Laura Betti and Isa Miranda.

BAYOU See: POOR WHITE TRASH

BAYSIDE SHAKEDOWN: THE MOVIE (odoru daisosasen) (1998 JPN) D: KATSUYUKI MOTOHIRO W: RYOICHI KIMIZURA P: CHIHIRO KAMIYAMA/YUJI USUI/TORU HORIBE/CHIKAHIRO ANDO The ODORU DAISOSASEN tv series based in Odaiba, Tokyo’s WanGan police station, was such a huge domestic hit (also extending to some other Asian territories) that a big-screen spin-off (and vehicle for handsome star Yuji Oda) was inevitable. If you’ve ever seen the show, you’ll know what to expect. This is a mostly diverting, occasionally grating, entertaining yet take-it-or-leave-it mix of police procedure, red tape politics and bureaucracy, comedy, some action and character development drama (just with a slicker look than tv). The main plot concerns the local bobbies having to give up control and jurisdiction on a murder and kidnapping case when the national police bureau step-in (not unlike the FBI vs local Sheriff’s department shtick, but utterly Japanese and maybe therefore more interesting for foreigners unfamiliar with the culture). The other regulars from the show are Eri Fukatsu, Toshiro Yanagibe, Yusuke Santamaria, Miki Mizuno and Chosuke Ikariya. With Kyoko Koizumi, Ren Osugi, Soichiro Kitamura, Toshio Kakei, Takehiro Ono, Daisuke Ryu, Shigeru Koyama, Kanji Tsuda and references to THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS and Kurosawa’s HIGH AND LOW (1963).

BAYSIDE SHAKEDOWN 2: THE MOVIE (2003 JPN) D: KATSUYUKI MOTOHIRO W: RYOICHI KIMIKUZA P: HIROTSUGU USUI/TAKASHI ISHIHARA/ ICHIRO TAKAI/CHIHIRO KAMYEYAMA Oda, Yanagibe, Fukatsu, Mizuno, Santamaria, Ikariya and Kitamura return for more of the same on a bigger scale. The main story concerns a series of ritualistic murders that seem to be committed by different individuals. The theme of dehumanising corporations is much stronger and more serious, and closer to home than you would get in any western thriller, well, certainly not a mainstream one like this. With Manami Konishi, Takeshi Okamura, Ayake Komatsu, Miki Maya, Ryunosuke Koizumi and Takehiko Ono. It was a record-breaking hit.

BAYSIDE SHAKEDOWN 3: SET THE GUYS LOOSE (odoru daisosasen 3: yatsura o kaihose yo!) (2010 JPN) : KATSUYUKI MOTOHIRO W: RYOICHI KIMIZUKA P: KOIICHI MURAKAMI/CHIKAHIRO ANDO/HIROTSUGU USUI Weak (and therefore overlong at 140 mins+) late sequel (after the series lost momentum) feels like a written by-committee desperate grab for a hit. Yuji Oda’s been promoted and is in charge of moving the WanGan police offices to a new location. The new place is infiltrated, guns are stolen and the climax involves trapped cops under threat of poison gas. The geeky criminals (including glasses-wearing idol Ami Tokito as the weak link) use internet message boards and demand the release of several dangerous criminals (including serial killer Kyoko Koizumi, who’s awful). The usual mix of police thrills, bureaucracy and comedy (including a farting skunk), but without being exciting, intriguing or funny. With the same regulars, plus Atsushi Ito, Shun Oguri, Kotaro Koizumi, Susumu Terajima, Yutaka Matsuhise, Masahiro Komoto, Susumu Kobayashi, Shigamitsu Ogi, and cameos from Goro Inagaki, Hikaru Ijuin, Takashi Okamura and weather girl Aiko Kaito. I didn’t spot Arata Furuta or Kankuro Kudo. The interim between this and the last sequel also saw the merely ok spinoffs NEGOTIATOR: MASAYOSHI MASHITA and THE SUSPECT: SHINJI MUROI (both 2005).

THE BEACH (1999 US) D: DANNY BOYLE W: JOHN HODGE P: ANDREW MacDONALD Leonardo Di-Caprio is an arsehole American tourist in Bangkok looking for kicks. He gets a map from unhinged Robert Carlyle (from Doyle’s TRAINSPOTTING) to a secret paradise island. He convinces French couple Guillaume Canet and Virgine Ledoyen to go with him and they discover dangerous pot farmers and an (almost) self-sufficient secret community of travellers from all over the world (who all speak English). The irresponsible DiCaprio manages to ruin life on the island for everyone and cause the deaths of people, nevertheless I think we’re supposed to consider him a saviour. The only part I liked was DiCaprio as a computer game character. Parts get kinda murky in an APOCALYPSE NOW sort of way, and we’re treated to a clip from that near the beginning. With Tilda Swinton and Daniel Caltagiore. Based on a novel by Alex Garland.

BEACH BLANKET BANGO (beach party bango; teenage throat) (1975 US) D: MORRIS DEAL W: PETER TURNER P: DAMON CHRISTIAN It gets tiresome at feature-length, but you have to be at least a little impressed by this hardcore grinder’s attempts at emulating the look and feel of AIP beach movies of the 60s. The opening credit sequence is particularly on the money. With Ric Lutz and Rene Bond, surf instrumentals, LSD and ’nam footage. A curiosity from the more ambitious days of porno.

BEACH GIRLS AND THE MONSTER See: MONSTER FROM THE SURF

BEACH OF THE WAR GODS (blood dragon; chin san taan; zhan shen tan) (1973 HK) D/W: JIMMY WANG YU P: RAYMOND CHOW When Japanese invaders arrive at a coastal town they get more than they bargained for in the form of Wang Yu, who assembles a resistance force. If you look beyond the Jap bashing (which is laid on pretty thick), you can appreciate a first-class, action-packed swordplay movie. In particular the penultimate corpse-strewn massacre and the final Wang Yu vs Lung Fei duel (at a windmill). Choreography by Chen Shih Wei (who also did ONE ARMED BOXER). With Sit Hon, O Yau Man, Sham Mao, Choi Wang, Su Chen Ping, Hsieh Hsing, Wong Wing Sang, Shih Ting Ken and Cho Kin.

BEACH PARTY (1963 US) D: WILLIAM ASHER W/P: LOU RUSOFF P: JAMES H. NICHOLSON In the first BEACH PARTY musical, Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello try to make one another jealous, Robert Cummings is an anthropologist studying tribal teenage behaviour and Eric Von Zipper (Harvey Lembeck) is paralysed several times. It’s all harmless 60s nonsense, but is important in its influence on later teen sex comedies. There is some surfing, Dick Dale performs music at Big Daddy’s beat poetry bar (where Vincent Price turns up) and there’s some choice twisting scenes. With Dorothy Malone, John Ashley, Jody McCrea, Delores Wells, Andy Romano, Yvette Vickers, Meredith MacRare, and keep your eyes out for Brian Wilson. MUSCLE BEACH PARTY was the first of several sequels.

BEACH PARTY BANGO See: BEACH BLANKET BANGO

BEACH RED (1967 US) D/W/P: CORNEL WILDE W: CLINT JOHNSTON/DONAL A. PETERS/JEFFERSON PASCAL Odd, ambitious and heady WWII movie stars Wilde as the leader of a bunch of Marines fighting the Japanese in the Philippines. Based on Peter Bowman’s novel and filmed in both Japan and the Philippines, it has not dated well, but remains influential among war-torn dramas for its depiction of camaraderie under fire. With Rip Torn as a brutal, sadistic sergeant, and Wilde’s real-life wife Jean Wallace as the wife back home in flashbacks. Wilde directed two more after this, the even more influential NO BLADE OF GRASS, and finally SHARK’S TREASURE.

THE BEAST (1967/70) See: EQUINOX (1967/70)

THE BEAST (rough justice; the bell; la belva) (1970 ITL) D/W: MARIO COSTA P: PAOLO PRESTANO Klaus Kinski is “that crazy Johnny”, a sly, scheming (and horny) bum, criminal and would-be-rapist who organizes the kidnapping of an heiress to a fortune in this thoroughly average western. The only point of interest is to see the always watchable Kinski portray a character with a sex drive as overactive as his notorious real-life self (except Johnny doesn’t actually get any). With Gabriella Giorgelli, Andrea Avieli and Carla Mancini.

BEAST (1971) See: BEAST OF THE YELLOW NIGHT

THE BEAST (devil’s ecstacy; the beast in heat; la bête) (1975 FRA) D/W: WALERIAN BOROWCZYK P: ANATOLE DAUMAN Ridiculous slice of pretentious arthouse sexploitation from the director of IMMORAL TALES (in fact this was expanded from an episode that was cut out of that anthology). If you can make it through the dreary, padded-out scenes of aristocrats getting themselves off in secret or endlessly talking about nothing in particular then you might enjoy the sight of a man-in-a-suit bear spewing copious cumshots from a huge fake phallus while chasing a naked woman through the woods. Then again, you might not. With Roland Armontel and Marcel Dalio.

THE BEAST (1995) See: CRUEL JAWS

THE BEAST AND THE VIXENS See: THE BEAUTIES AND THE BEAST

BEAST FROM HAUNTED CAVE (1959 US) D: MONTE HELLMAN W: CHARLES B. GRIFFITH P: GENE CORMAN A bickering criminal couple head a small gang planning to steal some gold from a ski resort town. They stay at their guide/ski instructor’s remote shack. An effective lumpy monster with long tentacle arms covered in a cobweb-like material grabs people and cocoons them in its cave, where it drains them of blood. Roger Corman (Gene’s brother) was the executive producer of this effective b/w chiller with good doomed characters and dialogue. But it’s not a classic (as some claim) and the ending is very abrupt. Hellman’s directorial debut is based on Griffith’s reworked THUNDER OVER HAWAII script (later used again for CREATURE FROM THE HAUNTED SEA) and was filmed back to back with SKI TROOP ATTACK. Hellman later expanded both hour-long features by about 20 mins for tv. Chris Robinson designed the monster. Ernest Laszlo got an early gig as the cinematographer. Hellman wouldn’t direct his own movie again for another five years, and then he made two (BACK DOOR TO HELL and FLIGHT TO FURY) back to back.

THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS (1953 US) D/W: EUGENE LOURIE W: FRED FREIBERGER/LOUIS MORHEIM/ROBERT SMITH/DANIEL JAMES (uncredited) P: JACK DIETZ A big prehistoric Rhedosaurus is thawed-out after A-bomb testing at sea and goes on a stomping spree. This influential monster movie is not very good apart from the great Ray Harrhausen stop-motion FX, which automatically makes it essential viewing. With Paul “Christian” (Hubschmind), Paula Raymond, Cecil Kellaway, Kenneth Tobey, Donald Woods, Lee Van Cleef, Ross Elliott, Steve Brodie, Jack Pennick, Michael Fox, Frank Ferguson, King Donovan, James Best, Vera Miles, Edward Clark, Roy Engel, Robert Easton, Franklyn Farnum, Bess Flowers, Lee Phelps, Hugh Prosser and the voice of Merv Griffin. Ray Bradbury’s The Fog Horn was the inspiration.

THE BEAST IN HEAT (1975) See: THE BEAST (1975)

THE BEAST IN HEAT (1976) See: S.S. HELL CAMP

BEAST KISS See: MERIDIAN

THE BEASTMASTER (1982 US W.GER) D/P: DON COSCARELLI W: PAUL PEPPERMAN P: SYLVIO TABET Dar (Marc Singer from V) is a muscular warrior who can communicate with animals (including a couple of ferret sidekicks) that help him defeat an evil Rip Torn. Ex-CHARLIE’S ANGEL Tanya Roberts sports some great cleavage as his sidekick, along with John Amos and a little boy. This very silly post-CONAN fantasy adventure was a surprise hit, but it’s way too long for its type (almost two hours). With Chuck Hicks. Coscarelli is best known for his PHANTASM series.

BEASTMASTER 2: THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME (miracle master 2) (1991 US) D/W/P: SYLVIO TABET W: R.J. ROBERTSON/JIM WYNORSKI/KEN (WINGS) HAUSER/DOUG MILES/ANDRE NORTON In this silly sequel, Kari Wuhrer (an MTV VJ at the time) is a LA rich kid who drives her car through a portal into a parallel world where Marc Singer and his animal friends battle an evil Wings Hauser (in a leather half-mask). Hauser, Singer and evil witch Sarah Douglas (who has really bad comedy dialogue) carry on their fight in modern-day LA, where Hauser attempts to find a neutron detonator to rule the world. With James Avery, Carl Ciarfalio and the unforgettable faces of Robert Z’Dar and Michael Berryman. Mark Damon was executive producer. Check out the final credit sequence, which has Singer supposedly running off into the sunset. After a while you’ll realise he’s jogging on the spot in front of a painted set! BEASTMASTER 3 (1996) followed.

THE BEAST MUST DIE (black werewolf) (1974 UK) D: PAUL ANNETT W: MICHAEL WINDER/JAMES BLISH P: MAX ROSENBERG/MILTON SUBOTSKY This werewolf version of Agatha Christie’s Ten Little Indians is a lot of fun. Big game hunter Calvin Lockhart invites some guests to his remote country mansion (surrounded by a forest riddled with video surveillance) to discover which one is a werewolf killing all the others. Peter Cushing, Charles Gray, Marlene Clark, Michael Gambon and Anton Diffring are some of the guests. Before the umasking scene, you get a “werewolf break” in order to try to guess who it is. Complete with funky wacka-wacka soundtrack. Officially based on James Blish’s There Shall Be No Darkness. HOWLING 5 later copied this movie.

BEAST OF BLOOD (beast of the dead; blood devils) (1970 PHIL) D/W/P: EDDIE ROMERO W: BEVERLY MILLER Last (and least entertaining) of the Blood Island trilogy, following BRIDES OF BLOOD and MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND. A shipwreck sends John Ashley back to the island, where Dr. Lorca (Eddie Garcia) is still at work creating mutants. A pretty cool creature with a detachable head has haunted me since I saw picture of it in a book as a kid (out of context, I didn’t know it was a movie still). Unfortunately it’s barely used, and not very effectively. This must have sent many late-night tv viewers to sleep once upon a time. With Celeste Yarnall.

THE BEAST OF BORNEO (1934 US) D/P: HARRY GARSON W: ALFRED HUSTWICK/FRANK J. MURRAY Dr. Boris Borodoff hires a hunter in Borneo to help him search for an Orangutan (which he calls “u-rang”). But they’re at each other’s throats during the month-long safari because the kindly hunter respects local custom and is anti-vivisection; Borodoff calls him “womanish” at one point. It also doesn’t help that Borodoff’s female assistant goes for the hunter more than him. Authentic footage of an Orangutan frequently has a really weird, quite hilarious human roar dubbed in (it sounds not unlike a sample from The Novas’ classic 45 The Crusher)! At other times (when fighting with a python, for example), a man-in-a-suit is employed, but often obscured by foliage. My guess is that for all the gorilla suits in Hollywood, no one had a cheap Orangutan one! A cute baby monkey (who blows raspberries) is tiedup by Borodoff (!), but escapes. Apparently the real location footage (which the actors are sometimes superimposed upon) in this somewhat amusing 60 mins jungle adventure cheapie was shot by Garson for Universal’s EAST OF BORNEO (1931). The rest is cut-rate movie magic! Locals play bongos and harmonise (!) for added colour.

THE BEAST OF HOLLOW MOUNTAIN (la bestia de la montana; el monstruo de la monatana nuecra) (1956 US MEX) D/P: EDWARD NASSOUR D: ISMAEL RODRIGUEZ W: ROBERT HILL/WILLIS H. O’BRIEN P: WILLIAM NASSOUR This western drama about ranch wars suddenly becomes a monster movie near the end when a very unscary stop-motion dinosaur turns up. Nothing imaginative is done with the creature so it’s a real bore. With Guy Madison, Patricia Medina, Pascual Garcia Pena, Eduardo Noriega, Julio Villarreal, Lupe Carriles, Manuel Arvide, José Chavez, Armando Gutierrez and Guillmero Hernandez. The director also helmed AUTOPSY OF A GHOST (1968), among others. O’Brien was known for his trailblazing FX but he had nothing to do in that department here.

BEAST OF THE DEAD See: BEAST OF BLOOD

BEAST OF THE YELLOW NIGHT (beast) (1971 PHIL US) D/W/P: EDDIE ROMERO P: JOHN ASHLEY This confusing disjointed Romero feature is not very good but not without merit, either. As far as I can tell, Ashley is possessed by some kind of spirit that makes him turn into a lumpy faced, flesh-eating monster with fangs. When he’s not eating people he spouts philosophy with a demon (or the Devil) incarnated as Vic Diaz! Mary Wilcox (LOVE ME DEADLY) is Ashley’s confused girlfriend. Possibly something the viewer might wish to consider is why a bearded Ashley is in hospital? Was he hit by a train and is he the reincarnation of a WWII rapist, killer and traitor? A mess, but a more thoughtful (and absorbing) mess than you might expect. Roger Corman was an executive producer.

THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS (atomic monster; girl madness) (1961 US) D/W/P: COLEMAN FRANCIS P: ANTHONY CARDOZA A woman is strangled to death in her bed as we hear a loud ticking clock in an unrelated precredit sequence. Then a small plane arrives in the Nevada desert with a top Russian scientist (Tor Johnson!) aboard. Some enemy agents shoot at him, so he runs away into the desert where an Abomb test turns him into the Beast of Yucca Flats! Try to stay awake during the rest of this hour-long b/w wonder as Tor wanders about and kidnaps a woman, while cops attempt to track them. Director Francis (who also edited along with Cardoza, and acts) intones senseless narration throughout. Conrad Brooks (also in Ed Wood films with Johnson) has a small part. Another Wood connection: An apartment in which Wood lived and got kicked out of was called Yucca Flats! Could this unique waste of celluloid be an ahead-of-its time homage to Wood? How can you resist a Tor Johnson vehicle? (You’ll wish you had!) Some prints feature brief topless nudity in the opening scene. Francis returned with THE SKYDIVERS and RED ZONE CUBA.

BEASTS (1972) See: THE TWILIGHT PEOPLE

BEASTS (1976 UK) W: NIGEL KNEALE P: NICHOLAS PALMER Every episode of this short-lived but fondly remembered 50 mins or so tv horror series was written by Kneale (QUATERMASS). Here are the episodes in chronological order: SPECIAL OFFER D: RICHARD BRAMALL Seventeen-year-old Pauline Quirk is the new cashier nobody likes at a small supermarket. Poltergeist-like activity jokingly attributed to “Briteway Billy” (the store’s rabbit figurehead) seems to be emanating from her and her frustrated sexuality. One of the better episodes, if only for nailing the depressing day to day office politics of such horrible places (I used to work in one). With Lynda La Plante. DURING BARTY’S BARTY D: DON TAYLOR By far the best in the series. A middle-class married couple slowly come to realise that their home and surrounding area is being overrun by swarms of vicious rats, all during the course of a cheesy radio broadcast. With the voices of Norman Mitchell and John Rhys-Davies. A good example of cheap Brit tv utilising its strengths for maximum effect. Nothing is seen; everything is suggested. Great stuff. BUDDYBOY D: DON TAYLOR From the sublime to the silly. David Shaw runs a private cinema club. He wants to buy another old theatre to renovate, but it seems to be haunted by a dolphin (!). With a bit of nudity that was probably the talk of the schoolyard the next day, and an ambiguous “huh?”ending. BABY D: JOHN NELSON Veterinary surgeon Simon MacCorkindale and his pregnant wife move to a cottage in the country. Rennovations uncover some kind of petrified animal sealed in a ceramic pot. Relatively engaging entry could have been good, but the cheap, laughable monster at the end lets it down. That said, those who saw it as nippers first time around still remember being terrified. WHAT BIG EYES D : DON LEAVER Michael Kitchen (from the memorable tv production of BRIMSTONE AND TREACLE) is an RSPCA officer who thinks he’s uncovered some kind of scam involving the importing of rare animals. Instead he discovers cantankerous old Patrick Magee (really hamming it up a treat for the small screen) experimenting on wolves and researching lyncanthropy. This is a good one. THE DUMMY D: DON LEAVER A playful end to the series as a jilted actor in a silly monster suit exacts his revenge on the set of a low-budget horror movie. With Clive Swift, Glyn Houston, Thorley Walters, Michael Sheard and Jackie Cooper.

THE BEASTS’ CARNIVAL See: HUMAN BEASTS

BEAST TEACHER See: SEX BEAST TEACHER

THE BEAST THAT KILLED WOMEN (1965 US) D/P: BARRY MAHON W: CLELLE MAHON A (man-ina suit) gorilla attacks the patrons of a nudist camp. In this simple 60 mins or so quickie, the nudists are scared away, the gorilla is caught and then the nudists return. A happy ending. With Darlene Bennett, Gigi Darlene, June Roberts (all from Doris Wishman movies), director Mahon and Tempest Storm. One of 12 (!) Mahon movies released the same year. Byron Mabe was an assistant director.

THE BEAST WITH A MILLION EYES (1955 US) D: “DAVID KRAMARSKY” (LOU PLACE/ROGER CORMAN) W: TOM FILER P: CORMAN Paul Birch owns a remote desert ranch with his wife and daughter. When a small space capsule emitting a low hum lands in the desert, animals attack and try to kill. Contrary to the film’s title, a two-eyed monster (FX by Paul Blaisdell) with a superimposed eyeball floating over it emerges from the spacecraft at the end. People often feel cheated by the undescriptive title, but that’s exploitation! And it is better than some later wild animal vs human movies. With Dick Sargent. Jack (Jonathan) Haze was the production manager. In b/w from ARC.

THE BEAST WITH FIVE FINGERS (1946 US) D: ROBERT FLOREY W: CURT SIODMAK P: WILLIAM JACOBS Peter Lorre is fantastic in this b/w gem as he imagines (or does he?) a disembodied hand crawling around playing the piano, terrorising and strangling him in his big Italian mansion. The surreal sequences with the hand are marvellous, utilising convincing FX by Hans F. Konekamp and William C. McGann. Recommended. With Robert Alda, Andrea King, Victor Francen, J. Carrol Naish, John Alvin, Barbara Brown, William Edmunds, Belle Mitchell, Ray Walker, Pedro de Codorba and Lottie Williams. Based on a story by William Fryer Harvey, it would make a great Lorre homicidal hand double bill with MAD LOVE.

BEAT (2000 US) D/W: GARY WALKOW P: ANDREW PFEFFER/ALAIN SILVER/DONALD ZUCKERMAN Any film that has Kiefer Sutherland as William S. Burroughs (!) is worth a cursory look, but this is a bland slice-of-life exposé that toys with the idea that Burroughs’ wife (Courtney Love) was responsible for much of his work (before the infamous William Tell routine went wrong). With Norman Reedus, Kyle Secor and Luis Felipe Tovar.

THE BEATNIKS (1959 US) D/W: PAUL FREES W: ARTHUR JULIAN P: EDWARD HEITE/RON MILLER Five regular non-beatnik juvenile delinquents (one is female) commit robberies in skull masks and can’t help but cause trouble with the squares. When the talented singer leader gets scouted to appear on tv and is awarded a recording contract, they tag along and fuck things up for him. Peter Breck (later in SHOCK CORRIDOR) is Moon, the sociopathic switchblade wielder who ends up on the run for murder. The sole directorial credit from busy actor and voice-over artist Frees is a passable b/w j.d. suspense drama (he also does voices throughout). With Charles Delaney. Kenneth Herts was production supervisor.

BEAT STREET (1984 US) D: STAN LATHAN W: ANDY DAVIS/DAVID GILBERT/PAUL GOLDING/STEVEN HAGEL P: HARRY BELAFONTE/DAVID V. PICKER A young black DJ and MC try to make it in the Bronx. This breakdance and graffiti filled time capsule is not very good, but more interesting now than when it was new (especially the music). With Rae Dawn Chong, Saundra Santiago, Tina B., Duane Jones, Kool Moe Dee, Crazy Legs, Brenda Starr, Afrika Bambaataa and Doug E. Fresh. Check out WILD STYLE.

BEATSVILLE See: THE REBEL SET

THE BEAUTIES AND THE BEAST (the beast and the vixens) (1973 US) D: RAY NANEAU/MARIUS MANZAMIN W: GAYNOR MACLAREN P: ART JACOBS Uschi Digard and another girl are a couple of students who hook up with some nude hippies in the woods. Ex-cons looking for hidden loot mess with them. That’s the main plot of this unmissable nudie movie, but the reason you’ll want to see it is because a guy in a gorilla suit and some weird face mask stalks these woods, grabbing any topless women he can and taking them back to his cave! The victims include Sharon Kelly (aka porno star Coleen Brenan) and Sandy Carey. You also get an inspired dream sequence featuring cowboy girls, naked except for gun belts, and a hermit who hangs out with the monster at the very end. It runs just over an hour. Not to be confused with a porno flick of the same name from 1974.

BEAUTIFUL GIRL HUNTER See: STAR OF DAVID

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (1987 US) D: RICHARD FRANKLIN P: HOWARD GORDON This is the pilot for an awful 1987–90 tv series with Linda Hamilton (later Jo Anderson) falling in love with deformed Ron Perlman who lives under NYC. With Ray Wise, Ron O’Neal, Jay Acavone, Roy Dotrice, Edward Albert and Armia Shimerman. Guest stars in later episodes were Delroy Lindo, Jeffrey Combs, Paul Gleason, Cliff De Young, Richard Portnow, Chris Mulkey, Kate Mulligan, Glenn Plummer, Rosalind Chao, James Hong, Milo O’Shea, Bruce Abbott, Theodore Bikel, R.G. Armstrong, Dean Norris, Thomas Rosales Jr., David Graf, Fionnula Flanagan, Jeff Corey, Richard Roundtree, Lance Henriksen and Miguel Sandoval.

BEAUTY HUNTING See: STAR OF DAVID

BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD DO AMERICA (1996 US ANIMATED) D/W/P: MIKE JUDGE W: JOE STILLMAN P: ABBY TERKUHLE The popular animated MTV characters come to the bigscreen in this pretty funny adventure. A tv belonging to B and B is stolen, they set out to find it, are hired to kill someone’s wife and transport a deadly virus cross-country from Vegas to Washington. They even meet their long-lost fathers (ex-Mötley Crue roadies) in the desert. Beavis eats peyote and there’s a cool 70s cop show credit intro (Beavis has an Afro). Judge is the voice of B and B (and King Of The Hill precursor Mr. Anderson), while other voices are provided by Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, Cloris Leachman, Robert Stack, Eric Bogosian, Richard Linklater, David Letterman, Tim Guinee, Greg Kinnear and David Spade.

BEDAZZLED (1967 UK) D/P: STANLEY DONEN W: PETER COOK/DUDLEY MOORE Fun, likeable comedy stars Dudley Moore as a shy short-order cook who can’t bring himself to talk to Eleanor Bron, the waitress he loves from afar. Peter Cook is Satan, who grants seven wishes in exchange for Moore’s soul. Mostly slight and low-key, a style that results in some hilarious moments (the first lollipop wish for example). I liked the trampolining nuns, too. With Raquel Welch, Barry Humphries and John Steiner.

BEDAZZLED (2000 US) D/W/P: HAROLD RAMIS W: LARRY GELBART/PETER TOLAN In this ok but utterly unnecessary remake, Brendan Fraser plays a geeky, annoying office worker who’s ensnared by Satan (Elizabeth Hurley). Frances O’Connor is his dream girl, and alternate realities have Fraser as a Colombian drug lord, an incredibly oversensitive wimp, a huge pro basketball player, a gay sophisticate and Abraham Lincoln. Some of the makeup he wears is excellent. Hurley isn’t really good enough an actress for her role, but she does get to wear some very sexy outfits. With Miriam Shor, Orlando Jones, Toby Huss, Brian Doyle-Murray and Bonnie Sommerville.

THE BEDFORD INCIDENT (1965 UK US) D/P: JAMES B. HARRIS W: JAMES POE Richard Widmark is at his best in this underrated thriller about an obsessed Navy Captain who pursues a Russian sub in American waters. Things turn really dangerous when Widmark starts making threats with nuclear missiles and the situation escalates. Harris produced Kubrick’s nightmarish comedy DR. STRANGELOVE the previous year, but the more serious BEDFORD INCIDENT can be just as potent in parts. Poe’s firstclass screenplay is an adaption of Mark Rascovitch’s novel. With Sidney Poitier, Martin Balsam, James MacArthur, Wally Cox, Eric Portman, Shane Rimmer, and look for Donald Sutherland.

THE BEDROOM (unfaithful wife: shameful torture; promiscuous wife: disgraceful torture; an aria on gazes; uwaki-zuma: chijoku-zeme; shisen-jo no aria) (1992 JPN) D: HISYASU SATÔ W: SHIRO YUMEMOTO P: DAISUKE ASAKURA Ambitious low-budget feature from the prolific Satô (one of five he made the same year) concerns a sex parlour where men get to feel-up comatose women under the influence of Halcion (a riff on Yasunari Kawabata’s 1961 novel The House Of The Sleeping Beauties). Some of the women turn up dead. To say any more would upset the balance of a little gem that you should really see for yourself. Satô regular Kyomi Ito stars, and the guy who runs the parlour is the real-life convicted killer Kazumasa Sagawa, who ate his Europen girlfriend. (Many believe Sagawa’s rich, influential father had him released from an asylum early and he shouldn’t be walking the streets.)

THE BEDROOM WINDOW (1987 US) D/W: CURTIS HANSON P: MARTHA SCHUMACHER/ROBERT TOWNE This boring Hitchcock copy has the boring Steve Guttenberg witnessing a boring murder which he can’t tell anyone about for reasons that are too boring to explain. It’s based on the novel The Witnesses by Anne Holden (which is probably boring). With Isabelle Huppert, Elizabeth McGovern, Leon Rippy, Richard K. Olzen, J. Michael Hunter, Michael Burgess, Carl Lumbly, Wallace Shawn, Maury Chaykin and Mark Margolis. It’s pretty boring.

THE BEES (the killer bees) (1978 US MEX) D/W/P: ALFREDO ZACHARIAS W: JACK HILL (uncredited) A dangerous species of crossbred African bees in South America invade the United States in huge black clouds. Scientists John Carradine (fun doing a Euro accent) and John Saxon have a plan to turn them homosexual so they wipe themselves out! Cheap and cheerful killer insect movie has likeable characters, visible boom mics, lots of stock footage and is much more enjoyable than THE SWARM. It ends with a plea for peaceful union between man and bee. With Claudio Brook and Alicia Encinas. Zacharias also made the killer hand flick DEMONOID.

BEETHOVEN See: BEETHOVEN’S NEPHEW

BEETHOVEN’S NEPHEW (beethoven; la neveu de beethoven) (1985 FRA W.GER) D/W: PAUL MORRISSEY W: MATHIEU CARRIERE P: MARITA COUSTET Wolfgang Reichmann is very good playing Ludwig van Beethoven as a completely unreasonable, tyrannical, ill-tempered and intolerable man who for some reason is obsessed with grooming his nephew (Dietmar Prinz, a typical Dallesandro-like non-actor choice from Morrissey) to be a great composer against his wishes. He also refuses his mother (Jane Birkin) custody and smothers him to such an extent that the poor boy can’t leave his sight for a second without him having an aneurism. I’d be interested to learn how much of this is documented fact; it’s based on a novel by Luigi Magnami. I watched it more as a fan of Morrissey than an interest in the subject matter, but rather enjoyed it. With Nathalie Baye and co-writer Carriere. Morrissey only made one more film before (sadly) retiring, SPIKE OF BENSONHURST (1988).

BEETLEJUICE (1988 US) D/W: TIM BURTON W: MICHAEL McDOWELL/WARREN SKAAREN/LARRY WILSON P: MICHAEL BENDER/RICHARD HASHIMOTO/ LARRY WILSON Second feature from Burton is different and very good. It was also a surprise hit. Michael Keaton (later the star of Burton’s BATMAN) is the crude used car salesman from Hell, Beetlejuice. He is a bad ghost. Recently deceased Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis are good ghosts. Winona Ryder is the teen in their house who helps them defeat Beetlejuice. Comedic EC Comics inspired fantasy has good FX and some great ghoulish moments. With Jeffrey Jones, Catherine O’Hara, Dick Cavett, Sylvia Sidney, Glenn Shadix and Robert Goulet. A lighter animated series for kids followed, while a movie sequel is threatened as of writing.

BEFORE I HANG (1940 US) D: NICK GRINDE W: ROBERT HARDY ANDREWS/KARL BROWN P: WALLACE MacDONALD One of a few b/w mad doctor movies starring Boris Karloff, churned out for Columbia. Karloff creates a serum to prevent ageing while waiting for the gallows. A convict’s blood which he uses for the recipe turns him into a good old-fashioned maniac who kills. It’s a pretty average grand guignol thriller that’s made watchable by Karloff. With Evelyn Keyes, Bruce Bennett, Edward Van Sloan, Ben Taggart, Pedro de Cordoba, Don Beddoe, Robert Fiske, Kenneth MacDonald, Frank Richards, Ernie Adams, Stanley Brown, Frederick Burton, Jack Cheatham, Edward Earle and Charles Trowbridge.

BEFORE THE FACT: ECOLOGY OF A CRIME See: A BAY OF BLOOD

BEGGAR SO See: FIST OF THE RED DRAGON

BEGINNING OF THE END (1957 US) D/W: BERT I. GORDON W: FRED FREIDBERGER/LESTER GORN Radioactive material is used to make crops grow large and therefore boost the economy. But as Peter Graves and journalist Peggy Castle discover, it results in giant grasshoppers that destroy small towns and are eventually lured to Chicago! Everyone makes fun of this b/w feature from do-it-all Gordon (also responsible for the FX, of course) and the superimposed bugs are sometimes painfully obvious, but I like the idea of grasshoppers invading the city and some imagery sticks with me. A grasshopper popping its head out of a manhole is the best. With Thomas B. Henry, Morris Ankrum, James Seary, Don C. Harvey, Larry J. Blake, Frank Wilcox, Douglas Evans, Hank Patterson, Paul Frees, Lyle Latell, Dennis Moore, Zon Murray and Ralph Sanford. The (original) notorious BIG (Bert I Gordon) offered THE CYCLOPS and THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN the same year.

BEGINNING TO DATE (1953 US) In one of my own personal favourite educational shorts (this one is 12 mins long, in b/w and is from Encyclopedia Britannica films) young teen George nervously embarks on his first date with Mildred to a “winter frolick” at the community centre. It’s no wonder he’s so worried with all the very strict dating rules the narrator throws out. We also take a cursory look at how Bill and Dwight are getting along with their dates. Brilliant stuff! Don’t forget to check out www.archive.org to download hundreds of similar titles from the Prelinger archive for free.

THE BEGUILED (1970 US) D/P: DON SIEGEL W: “JOHN B. SHERRY” (ALBERT MALTZ)/“GRIMES GRICE” (IRENE KAMP) Wounded Union soldier Clint Eastwood ends up at the mercy of mistress Geraldine Page and the women of a Southern school for girls at the tail end of the Civil War. They amputate his leg. Slow-moving but rewarding, claustrophobic and creepy horror melodrama is based on Thomas Cullman’s novel. With Pamelyn Ferdin (THE TOOLBOX MURDERS), Buddy Van Horn (a later Eastwood director) and Matt Clark. Maltz (who had been blacklisted and in jail) and Kamp had their names removed because they objected to the ending. Many viewers object to it not being anything like the following year’s Siegel/ Eastwood collaboration DIRTY HARRY. But it’s recommended in its own right. The following year Eastwood was also in PLAY MISTY FOR ME, predating Michael Douglas’ man-in-peril act (FATAL ATTRACTION) by over a decade.

THE BEHEADED 1000 (legend of a chinese witch; chin yan cham; quan ren zhan) (1993 HK) D: TING SHAN-SHI D/P: JIMMY WANG YU (uncredited) P: O. CHUN HUNG Many people seem to hate this swordplay fantasy, but it’s pretty enjoyable. Wang Yu is the royal executioner who unleashes an evil spirit army (led by Joey Wong) when he delivers his 1000th decapitation. Sure it’s awkward and has some old-fashioned FX (like the TRON-esque giant spiders), but it is fun. And how can anyone hate a movie where Wang Yu appears as a giant at the end? With Monica Chen Fat-Yung, Chin Siu-Ho, Wu Ma, Pauline Wong and a cameo from Anita Mui.

BEHEMOTH (monster mountain) (2010 CAN) D: W.D. HOGAN W: RACHELLE S. HOWIE P: JOHN PRINCE The mountain forest town of Ascension seems to be the epicentre of some unusual, global earthquake activity. It turns out to be a huge tentacled beast that lives inside the mountain that’s causing the trouble. It’s blown-up with a surface-to-air missile in the end. I wish I could tell you that it’s worth your time, but that would be a total lie. With Ty Olsson and William B. Davis.

BEHIND BRUCE LEE See: BRUCE LEE, THE MAN, THE MYTH

BEHIND LOCKED DOORS See: HUMAN GORILLA

BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR (1972 US) D/W/P: JIM MITCHELL D: ARTIE MITCHELL After Gerard Damiano’s hits DEEP THROAT and THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES, the Mitchell Bros out of San Francisco delivered the third porno-chic smash starring 19-year-old Marilyn Chambers (who was the Ivory Snow soap box girl at the time). She’s kidnapped by two men (played by the Mitchells) and forced to perform sexual acts on stage for a select audience. There’s not much of a plot, the filmmaking is awfully static and the sex is very average. But there is a definite energy that still makes it worth the watch over 30 years later. It’s based on a story by “Anon”. Previous to this the Mitchells had made two forgotten pornos (RAMPAGING NURSES and WOMAN OF THE NIGHT). Chambers returned for their INSIDE MARILYN CHAMBERS and THE RESURRECTION OF EVE. The Mitchells were later played by Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez (!) in the tv biopic RATED X.

BEHIND THE MASK (1932 US) D: JOHN FRANCIS DILLON W: JO SWERLING P: HARRY COHN It’s kind of difficult to follow, but special agent Jack Holt poses as a prisoner to gain convict Boris Karloff’s trust, breaks out and goes undercover as a chauffeur for Claude King, who’s forced to help a Mr. X (who turns out to be Edward Van Sloan) smuggle drugs inside coffins (I think). There’s a lot going on in these 68 b/w mins, but the only scene that really stays with me is Van Sloan threatening Holt with a scalpel in the final scene. If this seems out-of-place and tacked-on, it is, as is a scene with Kenneth Strickfaden’s buzzing lab equipment. Sci-fi and horror were big after FRANKENSTEIN (also with Karloff and Van Sloan), and this crime movie tried to cash-in at the last minute). With Constance Cummings, William Robertson, Thomas E. Jackson, Jessie Arnold, Clarence Burton, Martha Mattox, Louis Natheaux and Harry Tenbrook, plus an early answering machine as a plot device and prison scenes from THE CRIMINAL CODE (1931).

THE BEING (1980 US) D/W: JACKIE KONG P: WILLIAM OSCO Martin Landau is an expert in waste disposal who supervises the dumping of nuclear waste into the local water supply (!) of a small Idaho town and goes on tv to sincerely let people know it’s ok. Of course it’s not, and a mutant kid burrows underground and kills (arm through chest, head ripped-off etc.). Producer Osco stars as the hero under the name Rexx Coltrane. With José Ferrer, Dorothy Malone, Ruth Buzzi, Kinky Friedman, Murray Langston and Dave Clark. This pretty useless horror movie barely shows the unimpressive monster, the gore is halfhearted (Kong later made BLOOD DINER) and it’s too dark to see it properly anyway. Landau gives it his all as usual though, God bless’im! [Illus.]

BEING FROM ANOTHER PLANET See: TIME WALKER

BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA (the boys from brooklyn) (1952 US) D: WILLIAM BEAUDINE W: TIM RYAN P: MAURICE DUKE Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo were a couple of successful Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis imitators (Petrillo is uncannily like Lewis, who sued him and tried to prevent their act from continuing). Their b/w starring vehicle has been ridiculed for years, but is hard to dislike. The duo wake from a plane crash on a tropical island. Mitchell gets the beautiful native hula girl Nona while Petrillo is stuck with the comic relief fat one. Mitchell sings while Petrillo does Lewis to a T. They eventually encounter the kindly seeming Dr. Zabor (Bela Lugosi in his last movie before the Ed Wood days) and his chimp Ramona who lives in a castle with lab. Lugosi is jealous of Nona’s love for Mitchell, so turns him into a gorilla! The gorilla sings! But it all turns out to be a dream. Petrillo wakes up in time for the “two fireballs of fun” to perform their show at a New Jersey restaurant club where Bela is the manager. Fun. With Mickey Simpson and Martin Garralaga. Herman Cohen was the associate producer.

THE BELIEVERS (santeria) (1986 US) D/P: JOHN SCHLESINGER W: MARK FROST P: MICHAEL CHILDERS/BEVERLY CAMHE This ridiculous horror/ conspiracy movie stars Martin Sheen as a NYC police psychologist who discovers that the Santeria voodoo cult (originally from the Caribbean) want to sacrifice his son Harley Cross. It’s not convincing. Based on Nicholas Conde’s novel The Religion. With Robert Loggia, Harris Yulin, Lee Richardson, Richard Masur, Jimmy Smits, Trey Wilson and photography from Robby Muller. Screenwriter Frost would find more success as the co-creator of tv’s TWIN PEAKS.

THE BELL See: THE BEAST (1970)

BELL, BARE AND BEAUTIFUL (1963 US) D: “LEWIS H. GORDON” (HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS) W/P: LEROY C. GRIFFITH P: “DAVIS FREEMAN” (DAVID F. FRIEDMAN)/ELI JACKSON (uncredited) William Kerwin (who I love watching in anything) is a rich bachelor (with a butler) who can’t sleep. He goes to a psychoanalyst complaining of a recurring dream of a beautiful woman, his literal “dream girl”. He places an ad in the newspaper (“it sure pays to advertise!”) and ends up jetting off to Miami to woo a stripper (Virginia “Ding Dong” Bell, a burlesque star whose pregnancy during production necessitated Lewis to shoot everything in three days!). She also happens to be a member of a nudist camp (Spartan’s Tropical Gardens), so the camera goes leering there for a while (softball, limbo etc.). I kind of enjoyed it, but non-nudie completists may find it worthless. Lewis shot it and Friedman (who doesn’t have a part in it) did the sound. A dvd-R from Something Weird contains a 52 mins b/w version of the movie, plus an additional alternate 18 mins Eastmancolor extract from the nudist camp and strip sequence (good quality, but choppy). Lewis, Friedman and Kerwin went on to make movie history next with BLOOD FEAST (actually released earlier in 1963). Bell was also in LULLABY OF BARELAND (1964).

THE BELLBOY AND THE PLAYGIRLS (the playgirls and the bellboy; mit eva fing die sunde an) (1958/62 W.GER US) D: FRITZ UMGELTER/FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA/JACK HILL W: DIETER HILDEBRANDT/ MARGH MALINA P: WOLFGANG HARTWIG/HARRY ROSS A pretty dire b/w German sex comedy about a bellboy daydreaming of being a detective while spying on some “professional” women (actually lingerie models) staying at a hotel. Coppola (and Hill, who some don’t realise was involved) added colour 3D inserts featuring June Wilkinson for an English-dubbed release. Karin Dor, Willy Fritsch and Mandy Rahl are in the original cast. Coppola had already done the same kind of thing for BATTLE BEYOND THE SUN (1962) and made his own nudie feature TONITE FOR SURE (1962). He and Hill both worked on Corman’s THE TERROR next.

BELLE DE JOUR (bella di giorno) (1967 FRA ITL) D/W: LUIS BUÑUEL W: JEAN-CLAUDE CARRIERE P: HENRI BAUM/RAYMOND HANKIN/ ROBERT HANKIN Buñuel’s cinema was so potent that even his most celebrated work (based on a novel by Joseph Kessel) is often dismissed as misogynistic. What it is is another masterful and manipulative must-see from a surrealist who still doesn’t get enough respect. Catherine Deneuve stars as a whore at a Paris brothel who has SM fantasies and is overjoyed when her husband is crippled. To say any more would spoil it’s fragile ambiguity. With Francisco Rabal, Georges Marchal, Francis Blanche, Bernard Fresson, Michel Charrel, Bernard Musson, Marcel Charvey, Francois Maistre, Michel Piccoli, Pierre Clementi, Francoise Fabian and Macha Meril. A true original.

A BELL FROM HELL See: THE BELL OF HELL

BELLMAN AND TRUE (deadline) (1987 UK) D/W: RICHARD LONCRAINE W: DESMOND LOWDEN W/P: MICHAEL WEARING P: CHRISTOPHER NEAME Bernard Hill is an alcoholic electronics expert who’s forced to take part in a major bank robbery. Kieran O’Brien is his stepson and travelling companion in this slow-moving, low-key gem that works both as crime caper and human drama. Based on Lowden’s novel (later adapted for THE REAL McCOY). It’s from Hand Made Films (George Harrison was an executive producer). This review refers to a 120 mins+ version, but shorter prints are around.

THE BELL OF HELL (a bell from hell; la cloche de l’enfer; la campana del infierno) (1973 SPN FRA) D: CLAUDIO GUERIN HILL W: SABTIAGO MONCADA A young man is released from prison on parole and returns to his aunt’s big old island mansion where she lives with her three beautiful young daughters. He gets a job at a slaughterhouse (there is graphic footage) and proceeds to cause trouble with the locals. Events soon take a much darker turn in this unsettling, effective horror. With Viveca Lindfors, Alfredo Mayo, Juan Cazalilla and Evasmo Pascual. The director fell to his death from the featured bell tower on the last day of filming. Some believe that he jumped. Juan Antonio Bardem finished putting together the posthumous release.

BELLS (murder by phone; the calling; hell’s bells) (1980 UK) D: MICHAEL ANDERSON W: MICHAEL BUTLER/DENNIS SHYRACK/JOHN KENT HARRISON P: BRIAN WALKER People are dying after picking up phone receivers due to some kind of deadly signal sent down the phone line. Richard Chamberlain is a university professor and environmental activist who investigates in this crappy, implausible conspiracy thriller. With John Houseman, Sara Botsford and Barry Morse. It was filmed in Toronto.

BELLY OF THE BEAST (2003 CAN HK UK) D: CHING SIU-TUNG W: JAMES TOWNSEND P: JAMIE BROWN/RANDALL EMMETT/GEORGE FURLA/GARY HOWSAM/STEVEN SEAGAL/JOHN THOMPSON/ CHARLES WANG The sometimes inspired and often overlooked/underrated Ching Siu-Tung has seen some of his first-class action choreography miscredited to several more celebrated filmmakers over the years (John Woo, for example), and now has the indignity of helming a crappy Steven Seagal flick. Oh well, at least some of the action is a little more fast-paced and engaging than usual, but no one can disguise the fact that Seagal most definitely uses a standin. The plot involves Seagal’s teen daughter and her friends being kidnapped by terrorists while on vacation in Thailand.

BELOW (2002 US) D/W: DAVID TWOHY W: LUCAS SUSSMAN/DARREN ARONOFSKY P: SUE BADEN POWELL/MICHAEL ZOUMAS A WWII submarine helmed by Bruce Greenwood takes on-board three hospital shipwreck victims (Dexter Fletcher, nurse Olivia Williams and a German patient who’s shot). A ship in the area plays cat and mouse as it attempts to sink the sub, which appears to be haunted. This horror movie is let-down by a somewhat weak conclusion, but does have some very effective scenes of suspense and a great claustrophobic atmosphere. It’s a much better film than Twohy’s PITCH BLACK. With Holt McCallany, Jason Flemyng, Matthew Davis, Scott Foley, Nick Chinlund, Matthew Leitch, Andrew Howard, Zach Galifianakis and Twohy. Aronofsky (PI) was also an executive producer.

BELOW THE BELT (1971 US) D/W/P: “BETHEL G. BUCKALEW” (PETER PERRY) In this very boring sexploitation item, from executive producer Harry Novak’s Boxoffice International, a mean, crooked boxing manager abuses his dumb-but-nice young boxer and a bunch of (naked) women (including Uschi Digard and Rene Bond) while dealing with gangsters. George “Buck” Flower plays a punchdrunk ex-boxer caretaker. “Buckalew” made a series of far less depressing rural romps (including the classics THE PIG KEEPER’S DAUGHTER and SASSY SUE) for Novak next.

BE MY VALENTINE, OR ELSE… See: X-RAY

BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES (1970 US) D: TED POST W: PAUL DEHN/MORT ABRAHAMS P: ARTHUR P. JACOBS First PLANET OF THE APES sequel has astronaut James Franciscus landing on the Earth of the future after following Charlton Heston’s ship trajectory. He runs into sexy mute Linda Harrison and they enter an earthquake-created fissure. Underground telepathic mutants (whose only weapon against the gorillas is “traumatic telepathic torture”) worship an atom bomb. BENEATH has some interesting ideas, but the bleep noises that signal the mutants’ telepathic conversations are laughable, and Franciscus is unappealing doing a bad Heston imitation. With Kim Hunter, Victor Buono, Don Pedro Colley, Jeff Corey, Thomas Gomez, Gregory Sierra and the voices of Paul Frees and Roddy McDowall. ESCAPE FROM… followed.

BENEATH THE VALLEY OF THE ULTRAVIXENS (1979 US) D/W/P: RUSS MEYER W: ROGER EBERT Stuart Lancaster appears on-screen to narrate this typically scattered, high-octane Meyer live-action cartoon for adults. The main storyline is how Kitten Natividad’s husband is having problems with regular sex, always wanting the anal alternative. The opening scene is the best part, I think. Meyer himself turns up at the end and for that reason (and a long stretch of inactivity) it was considered his swan song. But he returned with PANDORA PEAKS 20 years later. He died in 2004. With Uschi Digard (also an associate producer), Candy Samples and Henry Rowland. The never-made The Jaws Of Vixen is announced at the end.

BEOWULF (1998 US) D: GRAHAM BAKER W: MARK LEAHY/DAVID CHAPPE P: LAWRENCE KASANOFF/ GREGORY CASCANTE/DONALD KUSHNER The Beowulf legend has always been one of my favourite stories, so I hate to see it turned into an awful fantasy actioner, like this. It’s set in an alternative reality, a mixture of medieval Europe and futuristic technology. A white-haired Christopher Lambert is the acrobatic, multiweaponed, half-damned warrior Beowulf, who senses evil in a wretched castle outpost and arrives to slay the monster living there. He says “I’m not like other men” and fights a lot while electronic dance music (Junoreactor) pumps away in the background. A whorish demon woman seduces men (becoming a cool spider monster) and turns out to be the mother of the monster (Grendel). The original story is very, very gruesome, but this tame attempt (which doesn’t really have much to do with it) can’t even get that right. With Gotz Otto. It was filmed in Romania.

BERETTA’S ISLAND (gorilla 2) (1994 US) D: MICHAEL PREECE W/P: FRANCO COLUMBU W: DONA JEFFRIES This ego trip action movie stars short, muscular former Mr. Universe Colombu as a retired Sardinian Interpol agent living in America. We see him ride his motorbike to the gym where he works out with real-life friend Arnold Schwarzenegger! Then it’s time to return home to make some wine. Then the plot starts and Colombu must go to Sardinia to fight drug-dealers (with the help of Elizabeth Kaitan). This is the kind of meandering crap (local colour mixed with generic gun battles) that’s impossible to pay complete attention to. If you’re masochistic enough to sit through it you’ll find yourself doing something else (less than) halfway through. With Dimitri Logothetis and a very unconvincing boxing match.

BERRY GORDY’S THE LAST DRAGON See: THE LAST DRAGON

BERSERK! (circus of terror) (1967 UK) D: JIM O’CONOLLY W: ABEN KANDEL W/P: HERMAN COHEN This is actually a remake of a now obscure 1937 Rita Hayworth vehicle called THE SHADOW, but probably took its cue from CIRCUS OF HORRORS. Joan Crawford is a travelling circus ringmaster. Performers die when tricks go wrong and the box office soars. Has an occasional jack-in-the-box minor gore scene, but is mostly talk and melodrama about Crawford’s relationship with a tightrope walker (who eventually falls on bayonets!), her daughter and circus co-owner Michael Gough. There’s even a musical number! The killer unmasking scene is particularly unconvincing. With Robert Hardy as the investigating Scotland Yard detective, Judy Geeson, Marianne Stone, Philip Madoc, Geoffrey Keen and members of Billy Smart’s Circus. Not as much fun as, say, HORRORS OF THE BLACK MUSEUM (1959). Crawford was in TROG next, God help her.

BESAT See: POSSESSED (1999)

BEST AND THE WORST See: DEVIL KILLER

BEST COP See: COLLISION COURSE

BESTIALITA (dog lay afternoon; bestiality; il segno sotto la pelle) (1976 ITL) D/W/P: “PETER SKERL” or “VIRGILIO MATTEI” W: LUIGI MONTEFIORE P: UGO VALENTI This extremely sleazy-looking obscurity (not available in English, as far as I know) opens promisingly with a woman fucking an alsation, before a man who comes home furious sets the place ablaze (with the dog inside). The rest is a real bore, with some horny rich swingers shagging on an island. A dog is involved again at some point. With Paul Muller and Enrico Maria Salerno. Some critics of the movie believe that it may have been directed by Joe D’Amato/Aristide Massaccesi, but I’m not so sure. The usual giveaway sign (his cinematographer credit) is missing, and the sloppy photography is not up to his standard.

BEST LAID PLANS (1999 US) D: MIKE BARKER W: TED GRIFFIN P: SEAN BAILEY/BETSY BEERS/ALAN GREENSPAN/CHRIS MOORE Overly convoluted noir-inspired tale of deception and double-crosses starts off relatively intriguing but gets sillier and less feasible as it progresses. To explain the story would spoil surprises for those who choose to watch it, but I wouldn’t if I were you. With Reese Witherspoon, Alessandro Nivola, Josh Brolin, Terrence Dashon Howard and Jody Wood. Mike Newell was an executive producer. Screenwriter Griffin also penned RAVENOUS.

BEST OF THE BEST (1989 US) D: ROBERT RADLER W: PAUL LEVINE W/P: PHILLIP RHEE P: PETER E. STRAUSS Phillip Rhee and star Eric Roberts (and Christopher Penn) are on the American taekwondo team. Trained by James Earl Jones and Sally Kirkland (as a spiritual adviser), they go to Seoul, South Korea, against the hard-as-nails national team. Phillip’s real-life brother Simon Rhee plays the opponent who killed his brother years ago. Pretty bad and clichéd against-the-odds/ROCKY-style movie. None of the fighters (bar the Rhees) are particularly convincing, and some of Roberts’ facial expressions while trying to convey emotion are hilarious. With John P. Ryan, Louis Fletcher, Kane Hodder and James Lew.

BEST OF THE BEST 2 (1993 US) D: ROBERT RADLER W: MAX STROM/JOHN ALLEN NELSON P: PHILLIP RHEE/PETER E. STRAUSS This sequel is less family-orientated and “heart warming”, but not really any better. After Christopher Penn is killed in an illegal to-the-death fight tournament in a Vegas nightclub, Phillip Rhee takes revenge. Eric Roberts, Simon Rhee and Kane Hodder return. With Sonny Landham, Meg Foster, Wayne Newton, Ralf Moeller, Patrick Kilpatrick, Nicholas Worth, Eddie Bunker, Christy Thom, David Boreanaz and Radler. Two more sequels (in 1995 and 1998) followed.

BEST REVENGE (misdeal) (1982 CAN US) D: JOHN TRENT W: “LOGAN N. DANFORTH” (JOHN HUNTER)/ RICK ROSENTHAL/DAVID ROTHBERG P: MICHAEL M. LEBOWITZ John Heard is blackmailed into transporting a shipment of grass from Morocco in this surprisingly engaging look at the smuggling game. Levon Helm (from The Band) is his partner and John Rhys-Davies (in his fez) is Mustapha. With Alberta Watson, Stephen McHattie and Michael Ironside in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it background part at a card table.

BEST SELLER (1987 US) D: JOHN FLYNN W: LARRY COHEN P: CARTER DeHAVEN Brian Dennehy is a cop and bestselling true crime novelist. James Woods is a weird psychotic hitman for a big corporation who offers to sell Dennehy the story. Flynn is good at directing an interesting Cohen script (with little of his usual humour), and this different movie is pretty good. With Branscombe Richmond and Seymour Cassel.

BEST WORST MOVIE (2009 US) D/P: MICHAEL PAUL STEPHENSON P: LINDSAY ROWLEY STEPHENSON/ BRAD KLOPMAN/JIM McKEON/MARY FRANCIS GROOM/ACE GOERIS Stephenson was the little boy who starred in TROLL 2 (he was also in BEYOND DARKNESS around the same time). He decided to make this doc about the unbelievable cult fandom that has grown around the laughable bad movie TROLL (blame YouTube). The cast is reunited and re-enact certain scenes at old locations (in Utah). George Hardy (now a dentist in Alabama) is the main focus, travelling to sell-out screenings for rabid fans and promoting “the worst movie ever made” wherever he goes (until he kind of comes to his senses). At first he’s the likeable “hero”, while grumpy old Italian director Claudio Fragasso comes across as the delusional villain of the piece. But in fact this surprisingly canny and very good doc (not just for fanboys) captures the humanity (the good and the bad) of everybody. Hardy getting gradually freaked-out at a convention in Birmingham (UK) is priceless. It’s a refreshing look at fame in one of it’s many forms.

THE BETRAYAL (daisatsujin orochi) (1966 JPN) D: TOKUZO TANAKA W: SEIJI HOSHIKAWA/TSUTOMU NAKAMURA Raizo Ichikawa stars as the doomed protagonist samurai who must reluctantly run away, abandon his bride-to-be (Kaoru Yachigusa) and become a fugitive and prime suspect in the murder of a rival clan member, in order to save face for his group. As you can tell by the title, his pardon is inevitably taken away fom him, and he becomes a hunted ronin. A stately pace eventually culminates in an exhausting extended all-action climax that Ichikawa and the fight choreographers remarkably manage to look realistic and plausible. One of those great cinematic surprises, the kind that leaves you utterly satisfied and wondering why you had never heard or read about it before. Highly, highly recommended. With Asao Uchida, Takuya Fujioka, Saburo Date, Taketoshi Naito, Shiho Fujimura, Ichiro Nakatani, Yoshimi Kato, Shinobu Araki, Yoshio Harada, Kazue Tamaki, Yusaku Terashima, Tadashi Hiraizumi and Ikuko Mori. The b/w photohraphy is by Chishi Makiura, the score by Akira Ifukube. Director Tanaka was assistant director on Kurosawa’s RASHOMON and worked as such several times for Kenji Mizoguchi. He had already directed Ichikawa in the first SLEEPY EYES OF DEATH. Actually a remake of the 1925 silent movie OROCHI.

BETRAYED (when strangers marry) (1944 US) D: WILLIAM CASTLE W: PHILIP YORDAN/DENNIS J. COOPER/GEORGE MOSKOV/WILLIAM K. HOWARD P: MAURICE and FRANKLIN and HERMAN KING No lost classic or anything, but this early Castle feature (that runs just over an hour) is an effective, minimal b/w noir mystery from Monogram. The plot involves silk stocking strangulations and a love triangle between Kim Hunter, Dean Jagger and Robert Mitchum. With Neil Hamilton, Milton Kibbee, Rhonda Fleming, Claire Whitney, Dick Elliott, Byron Foulger, Weldon Hayburn, Edward Keane, George Lloyd, Sam McDaniel, Dewey Robinson, Virginia Sale, Minerva Urecal and Lee “Lasses” White.

BETTER OFF DEAD… (1985 US) D/W: SAVAGE STEVE HOLLAND P: MICHAEL JAFFE This surprising high school romantic comedy is worth a look, even if 80s teen comedy/rites-of-passage movies are your most despised genre. John Cusack is obsessed with girlfriend Amanda Wyss, and equally devastated when she dumps him for a jock. He falls in love with a nice French exchange student and wins a ski tournament. What makes it so fun is the oddball characters. Creepy paperboys, Japanese boyracer track commentators, an animated hamburger and more. You also get Curtis Armstrong (Booger in REVENGE OF THE NERDS) and a DAWN OF THE DEAD homage with a gang of jocks. Vincent Schiavelli is a teacher in a very funny scene. With Kim Darby, David Ogden Stiers, Yuji Okumoto, Chuck Mitchell, director Rick Rosenthal, Taylor Negron, Elizabeth Daily and the voice of Rich Little.

A BETTER TOMORROW (ying hung boon sik; ying xiong ben se; the color of a hero) (1986 HK) D/W: JOHN WOO W: CHAN HING KAR/CHAN SUK WA P: TSUI HARK This is the influential hit that started the almost decade-long craze for heroic bloodshed movies, mixing themes of loyalty among men with extreme, stylish violence, and later crossing over to America in a diluted form (as did director Woo). What most people don’t seem to realise is that it’s a remake of a 1967 movie called STORY OF A DISCHARGED PRISONER. Chow Yun Fat is the loyal gangster who retaliates against the double-crossing gangsters who caused the imprisonment of his partner Ti Lung. When Lung is released from prison, he finds Fat is crippled. Fat, Lung and Lung’s cop brother Leslie Cheung arm themselves and take revenge in the memorable action-packed finale that later features had to top. With Waise Lee, Tin Fung, Sek Yin, Woo, Hark, Shing Fui On, Kenneth Tsang and Wong Hap. Stephen Tung Wai and Blacky Ko were the action choreographers. Remade in Korea in 2010.

A BETTER TOMORROW 2 (color of a hero 2; ying xiong ben se 2; ying hung boon sik 2) (1987 HK) D/W: JOHN WOO W/P: TSUI HARK The original was such a hit in Asia and Chow Yun-Fat so popular, that it was a problem that his character had died. So Fat is back as the brother of that character (living in New York). He, Cheung and Lung team up again. Despite good storytelling, the plot is once again secondary to the action sequences. It begins with flashbacks to the original and Fat seems to have a problem with eating food tidily. The finale — involving a sword (a nod to Lung’s early days) and an axe alongside the expected gunplay — is a tremendous massacre (Ching Siu-Tung was the action director). It’s not quite as good as the first one, but very entertaining. It’s such a shame that Woo ruins things with those schmaltzy soundtracks though. With Dean Shek, Shing Fui-On, Kenneth Tsang, Waise Lee and Ng Man Tat.

A BETTER TOMORROW 3: LOVE AND DEATH IN SAIGON (ying hung boon sik 3; ying xiong ben se 3) (1989 HK) D/P: TSUI HARK W: LEUNG YIU MIN/DAAI FOO HO This prequel comprises the backstory of Chow Yun Fat and Tony Leung’s characters, dealing with their troublesome passage from Saigon to Hong Kong and back again during the early 70s and the tail end of the war, when Vietnam broke it’s borders. Anita Mui co-stars. There’s not much else to it story wise, but it’s a good film with some action. However, fans of the dynamic action sequences of the first two entries were not amused, and part 3 wasn’t a hit like they had been. With Sek Hin. This review refers to a 113 mins version. Apparently the Taiwanese cut runs 145 (which sounds overlong). Hark was born in Vietnam.

A BETTER WAY TO DIE (2000 US) D/W: SCOTT WIPER P: BRADLEY FULLER/RUSSELL GRAY/GRAHAM TAYLOR This annoying action thriller (that thinks it’s cool) stars Wiper as an undercover cop on the run, having difficulty deciding who are good guys and who are bad. Lou Diamond Phillips is his usual skin-crawling self as a corrupt FBI agent, trying to retrieve incriminating information on a microchip. With Andre Brausker, Natasha Henstridge, Joe Pantoliano, Matt Gallini, Wayne Duvall, Carmen Argienzano and John Farris.

BEVERLY HILLS COP (1984 US) D: MARTIN BREST W: DANILO BACH/DANIEL PETRIE P: JERRY BRUCKHEIMER/ DON SIMPSON Eddie Murphy hit it big as foul-mouthed Detroit cop Axel Foley, who teams up with LAPD cops Judge Reinhold and John Ashton to bust British gangster Steven Berkoff. Proto-typical Simpson and Bruckheimer action movie has plenty of laughs, shoot-outs and audience pleasing scenes to make it a classic of its kind. But beware local tv prints that will more than likely remove all the hilariously over the top swearing. With Jonathan Banks, James Russo, Bronson Pinchot, Ronny Cox, Lisa Eilbacher, Paul Reiser, Stephen Elliott, Rick Overton, Damon Wayans and Brest.

BEVERLY HILLS COP 2 (1987 US) D: TONY SCOTT W: LARRY FERGUSON/WARREN SKAAREN/DAVID GILER/DENNIS KLEIN/EDDIE MURPHY/ROBERT D. WACHS P: DON SIMPSON/JERRY BRUCKHEIMER Murphy returns in this inferior but ok sequel that surely didn’t need as many screenwriters as it got. Briggite Nielsen, Jürgen Prochnow and Dean Stockwell are diamond thieves. Reinhold, Ashton, Cox, and Reiser also return, with Allen Garfield, Paul Guilfoyle, Chris Rock, Gilbert Godfried, Tom Bower, Tom Lister, Rebecca Ferratti, Kimberly Page, Robert Ridgley and Hugh Hefner.

BEVERLY HILLS COP 3 (1994 US) D: JOHN LANDIS W: STEVEN E. DeSOUZA P: ROBERT REHME/ MACE NEUFELD Eddie Murphy wasn’t too popular when this entry came out, resulting in a flop at the box office. This is a shame as it’s an enjoyable enough slice of mindless action-comedy popcorn fodder. The plot involves a counterfeiting ring run from a theme park called Wonderworld. Judge Reinhold returns, but John Ashton was replaced with Hector Elizondo. Alan Young is the Walt Disney-like Uncle Dave, John Saxon is a villain and Bronson Pinchot turns up again. With Theresa Randle, Stephen McHattie, Al Green, Julie Strain, Jon Tenney, Joey Travolta, Michael Bowen, Thomas Rosales Jr. and Forry Ackerman. Typical of Landis, a bunch of filmmakers make cameo appearances: George Lucas, Joe Dante, Martha Coolidge, Peter Medak, Ray Harryhausen, Arthur Hller, George Schaefer, John Singleton and Barbet Schroeder.

BEWARE (1946 US) D/P: BUD POLLARD W: JOHN E. GORDON Sax playing Louis Jordan and his timpani band (including 1930s pro wrestler Willie “Wee Willie” Davis as the pianist) end up in a small Ohio town when a train taking them to a New York gig breaks down. Turns out to be the place Jordan went to college, which is now badly in need of funds. Jordan uncovers a fraudulent scheme to shut down the school, saves the day and sings eight numbers. It’s a minimal, less than one hour, b/w rhythm’n’blues musical which I did enjoy. My favourite song is Long legged Lizzy (complete with dancer). Jordan is very likeable in his first starring role.

BEWARE! CHILDREN AT PLAY (1989 US) D: MIK CRIBBEN W: FRED SCHARKEY P: ELLEN WEDNER/ MICHAEL KOSLOW A novelist is called in to help his sheriff friend in a religious New Jersey town (actually filmed in Newark and Staten Island) after a bunch of kids go missing. The little bastards return to kill adults in gory ways (cut in half with a scythe, for example). But the reason to watch this is the outrageous ending in which the townsfolk fight back. Children are shot, stabbed and mutilated. One boy’s head is blown-off graphically with a shotgun! Ok, so it’s no WOULD YOU KILL A CHILD?, but still entertainingly offensive stuff. Cribben appears as a farmer and Beowulf is a plot device. Jim Muro (STREET TRASH) was the Steadicam operator. There are R and Unrated versions, so be careful.

BEWARE MY BRETHREN (the fiend) (1970 UK) D/P: ROBERT HARTFORD-DAVIS W: BRIAN COMPORT Tony Beckley is very good as the creepy, mollycoddled son of religious fanatic (and secret diabetic) Ann Todd. Fire’n’brimstone Minister Patrick Magee (who would not approve of insulin injections) conducts “crusades” at their home-made chapel, playing tapes of “The Leader” (based in Arizona, apparently) and ranting to a congregation (who occasionally belt out gospel numbers in ill-fitting scenes out of a musical). Beckley is also a frustrated, conflicted serial killer of women, who records his victims and mixes their screams with snippets of sermons on his reel-to-reel equipment in the basement, like some kind of demented musique concrète composer. Suzanna Leigh is a reporter who lives with Todd’s concerned home help nurse, who goes snooping. There are some strong (for the time and place) scenes of sexual violence (you can now see it uncut on dvd from Odeon Entertainment). Not released until 72, it’s a pretty interesting and effective time capsule, probably the best all-round horror outing from Hartford-Davis (CORRUPTION, INCENSE FOR THE DAMNED). Loosely based on the unsolved Hammersmith “Jack the Stripper” prostitute murders (the same basis for Hitchcock’s FRENZY). With Ronald Allen, Percy Herbert and David Lodge. I like parts of Tony Osborne and Richard Kerr’s score, too. Hartford-Davis’ next film was the lost NOBODY ORDERED LOVE (1972), before he went stateside for the crime movies BLACK GUNN and THE TAKE. Comport wrote THE ASPHYX.

BEWARE! THE BLOB See: SON OF BLOB

BEWITCHED (alter ego) (1945 US) D/W: ARCH OBOLER P: JERRY BRESLER Typically interesting (if not entirely successful) ahead-of-its-time first feature from Oboler (creator of the Light’s Out radio show) in which a woman is hypnotised by Edmund Gwenn to get rid of her split personality disorder. Worth a look if it turns up on tv. With Addison Richards, Francis Pierlot, Gladys Blake, Wil Wright, Stephen McNally, Oscar O’Shea, Minor Watson, Virginia Brissac, Clancy Cooper, Eddie Dunn, Frank Mayo, Forbes Murray, Harry Strang, Harry Seymour, Forrest Taylor and Anthony Warde.

THE BEYOND (seven doors of death; e tu vivrai nel terrore! l’aldila; l’aldila) (1981 ITL) D: “LOUIS FULLER” (LUCIO FULCI) W: GIORGIO MARIUZZI/DARDANO SACCHETTI P: FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS Catriona MaColl renovates a run-down hotel in New Orleans that turns out to be one of the seven gateways to Hell in this favourite among Fulci fans. David Warbeck costars as the hero and there’s plenty of zombies and gore. A little blind girl’s throat is ripped out by her guide dog, tarantulas attack, there’s a nasty chainwhipping flashback and the ending is nicely ambiguous (unlike CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD, for example). Very atmospheric and a good horror movie, but not one of Fulci’s masterpieces. With Al Cliver, Fulci and Sacchetti. May be based on the writings of Clark Ashton Smith (and by association, H.P. Lovecraft).

BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT (1956 US) D: FRITZ LANG W: DOUGLAS MORROW P: BERT E. FRIEDLOB Dana Andrews is a novelist out to discredit capital punishment. He fixes it so he’s tried for a murder he did not commit, but the last-minute evidence meant to save him and prove his point is destroyed. Joan Fontaine is his fiancée who tries to save him. A little preachy and a little unbelievable at times, it’s still a fascinating b/w thriller from a great director (who made WHILE THE CITY SLEEPS with Andrews next). With Sidney Blackmer, Arthur Franz, Shepperd Strudwick, Barbara Nichols, Dan Seymour, Charles Evans, Fraklyn Farnum, Frank Mills, Jeffrey Sayre, Harry Strang and Joey Ray.

BEYOND BEDLAM (nightscare; psychic) (1993 UK) D/W: VADIM JEAN W: ROB WALKER P: PAUL BROOKS Elizabeth Hurley injects dangerous psycho Keith Allen with an experimental drug at a research lab/ prison and hallucinations gradually take over this entire nonsensical and irritating mess of a horror movie. Traumatised cop Craig Fairbrass has a vendetta to settle with Allen, who is somehow able to get his hands on vast quantities of this drug and can control Fairbrass and Hurley’s visions. What it all means is beyond me, and I don’t care to find out either. With Anita Dobson and Annette Badland. Based on a novel by “Harry Adam Knight” (Josh Brosnan). Director Jean made the arthouse favourite LEON THE PIG FARMER (1992), so he’s not exactly Mr. Entertainment.

BEYOND BENGAL (1934 US) D/W/P: HARRY SCHENCK P: D.J. MOUNTAN Schenck and expedition are seen off by the Sultan of Perak at the beginning of this 60 mins or so b/w document of a trek through the Malaysian jungles. The emphasis is on wildlife footage only, and not “shocking” exposés of “primitive” native behaviour, so will disappoint those looking for proto-mondo (like AFRICA SPEAKS!). In fact, the filmmakers are comparatively more respectful of the locals, and despite some staged scenes, seem to be in some genuinely dangerous situations at times.

BEYOND CONTROL See: THE AMY FISHER STORY

BEYOND EROTICA (lola; it’s nothing, only a game; no es nada, solo un juego) (1974 SPN VEN) D/W/P: José MARIA FORQUE W: HERMOGENES SAINZ David Hemmings is very convincing as a spoilt rich kid living with his widowed mother Alida Valli in an old hacienda, supplying work for the poor townsfolk in better times. This begins with him chasing a scantily clad woman through the woods on horseback. She steps in a trap and gets torn apart by dogs while has has one of many soft-focus flashbacks about his father. After a funeral scene set to a lively organ number on the soundtrack, Valli hires pretty Lola (Andrea Rau) as the maid-pet for her lecherous son. She’s blackmailed into staying, even though Hemmings leers and paws at her. He locks her in a cage, makes her strip for food, hoses her down and she has to act like a rabbit (in a bunny outfit) on all fours for a worm sandwich. The ending has an old rich geezer being murdered and Lola turning the tables on Hemmings and Valli in an unlikely way. It’s more silly than depraved, but watchable, and Rau has topless scenes. With Francisco Rabal and Galeazzo Benti.

BEYOND EVIL (1980 US) D/W/P: HERB FREED W: PAUL ROSS W/P: DAVID BRAUGHN John Saxon and Lynda Day George move to a haunted mansion on an island in the South Pacific. She gets possessed by a female spirit and kills. Some green lasers shoot-out of her eyes. Saxon seeks the help of a faith healer. Uneventful horror flick undeservedly touted as a “cult favourite”. Beware. With Peggy Stewart and Chuck Hicks. Freed also made the slasher flick GRADUATION DAY (1981), which featured Lynda’s husband Christopher George.

BEYOND JUSTICE (1989) See: THE LAW OF THE DESERT

BEYOND JUSTICE (1993) See: GUARDIAN ANGEL

BEYOND OBSSESSION See: THE DEVIL WITHIN HER (1974)

BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR (2003 US SPN) D/W/P: BRIAN YUZNA W: José MANUEL GOMEZ/MIGUEL TEJADA-FLORES P: JULIO FERNANDEZ Dr. Herbert West (series regular Jeffrey Combs) is now a prison inmate after one of his experiments went on a killing spree. New prison doctor Jason Barry enlists his help to continue the experiments, this time involving a new serum that makes the revived dead act and behave more human. Elsa Pataky is the love interest reporter made to bark like a dog on all-fours for the sadistic warden (Simon Andreu). I guess his dick crawling around, having been bitten off, is supposed to be the comic highlight. I wanted to like the third RE-ANIMATOR (filmed in Spain with a mostly Spanish cast and crew), but it lacks the wit of the original and never really goes into overdrive like you expect it to. With Santiago Segura and Barbara Elorrieta.

BEYOND REDEMPTION See: A TWIST OF FAITH

BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY (lost platoon 2) (1991 PHIL US) D/P: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO W: R.G. DAVIS/ BEVERLY GRAY Jean Michael Vincent (who turns out to be a bad guy) is an ex-commander war hero who helps some soldiers and a bunch of orphans escape from the jungles of ’nam in 1975. With a love interest female photo-journalist. Really boring stuff and a chore to sit through. It was made for Concorde.

BEYOND THE DARKNESS (blue holocaust; buried alive; the final darkness; buio omega; in quella casa…buio omega) (1979 ITL) D: “JOE D’AMATO” (ARISTIDE MASSACESSI) W: OTTAVIO FABHRI/GIACOMO GUERRINI P: MARCO ROSSETTI A disturbed young taxidermist orphan lives in a big mansion with his weird housekeeper Iris. When his girlfriend dies he digs her up, performs an autopsy and eats her heart. He keeps her embalmed body around, kills other women and Iris helps him chop them up and dissolve them in acid (or cremate them). She later eats some remains in a breakfast stew. It’s another fine piece of sleaze from D’Amato (also the cinematographer). With music from Goblin (or The Goblins as they’re billed here). It’s a remake of a 1966 picture called THE THIRD EYE.

BEYOND THE DOOR (1974) See: THE DEVIL WITHIN HER (1974)

BEYOND THE DOOR (1976) See: SHOCK

BEYOND THE DOOR 3 (amok train; death train; the train) (1989 ITL YUG US) D: JEFF KWITNY W: SHEILA GOLDBERG Some American students (including a bullied virgin girl) travel to Yugoslavia as part of their studies. Bo Svenson is a Serbian professor who wants the virgin to fuck his master Lucifer. The students are picked off one-by-one first in the misty countryside and then on a runaway train. This ridiculous horror movie (that has no relation to either earlier BEYOND THE DOOR movies) doesn’t make much sense, but does have some good gory deaths. With Richard Johnson and Juliet Mills. Ovidio G. Assonitis was the executive producer.

BEYOND THE EDGE OF DARKNESS (edge of darkness; project shadowchaser 3) (1995 US) D/P JOHN EYRES W: NICK DAVIS P: GREGORY VANGER/SHARI LANE BOWLES/PAUL EYRES There are plenty of bad sci-fi quickies out there about a crew being menaced by something on a cramped, claustrophobic spaceship set. But this one is really boring. For reasons too tiresome to bother with, Frank Zagarino’s android from the PROJECT SHADOWCHASER movies terrorises a ship’s crew by transforming into their dead friends/co-workers/lovers and then offing them. Truly awful. With Sam Bottoms, Christopher Neame and Christopher Atkins.

BEYOND THE FLAG See: IRON EAGLE 2

BEYOND THE FOG See: TOWER OF EVIL

BEYOND THE LAW (1992) See: FIXING THE SHADOW

BEYOND THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (1979 US) D/W: IRWIN ALLEN W: NELSON GIDDING Paul Gallico wrote a novel that picked up right where the original POSEIDON ADVENTURE left off. Unfortunately Allen used it as the basis for a catch-penny cheapo sequel (the same sets and stock footage insert shots are used) that sucks so bad it makes the original look like a classic by comparison. Michael Caine, Sally Field, Karl Malden and crooked rival Telly Savalas are salvagers who get aboard the sinking passenger liner from the original looking for survivors and valuables. There’s more tension in a broken elastic band. With Slim Pickens, Shirley Knight, Peter Boyle, Jack Warden as a blind man, Shirley Jones, Veronica Hamel, Angela Cartwright, Mark Harmon and Paul Picerni.

BEYOND THE TIME BARRIER (the war of 1995) (1960 US) D: EDGAR G. ULMER W: ARTHUR PIERCE P: ROBERT CLARKE Robert Clarke pilots the first flight into space. He breaks through the time barrier and arrives in 2024. It turns out that in 1971, holes appeared in the ozone layer after years of atomic testing, letting “deadly cosmic rays” through that killed half the Earth’s population. The other half either became mutants (men wearing bald caps) or moved into a network of underground tunnels (impressive sets for such a low-budget movie). Clarke goes back through the time barrier to warn scientists in the present, but he has aged by decades. Another b/w gem from Ulmer, who manages to make the most minimal of plots captivating. With Vladimir Sokoloff, Ulmer’s daughter Arianne Arden, director Russ Marker and some cast members from Larry Buchanan flicks.

BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (hollywood vixens) (1970 US) D/W/P: RUSS MEYER W: ROGER EBERT As if he didn’t already deserve a reputation for being an exploitation genius and highly talented, innovative filmmaker, Meyer made this incredible one-off that ranks among the best exploitation movies ever released by a major studio (20th Century Fox, who more-or-less disowned it). Basically it’s the rise-and-fall of all-female rock group The Carrie Nations, but you’re gonna have to watch it yourself to find out what makes it so great. Just cataloging the incidents won’t do. With John Lazar (Z-Man), Edy Williams, Erica Gavin, Charles Napier, Pam Grier, Haji, Henry Rowland, Coleman Francis, plus Meyer and The Strawberry Alarm Clock. Ebert is indeed the critic formerly of Siskel and Ebert. THE SEVEN MINUTES (1971) was Meyer’s next and last major studio project, followed by the underrated flop BLACK SNAKE, and then it was back to box office gold for the Peckinpah of cleavage.

BHOOT (2002 IND) D: RAM GOPAL VARMA W: SAMEER SHARMA/LALIT MARATHE P: N’TIN MANMOHAN Ajay Deugan and his wife move into a nice Bombay duplex apartment, the site of an apparent suicide. She (Urmila Matondkar) sleepwalks, hallucinates and eventually becomes a snarling EXORCIST-inspired demon possession case under lots of makeup. Rekha is the female witch doctor who helps. Everything about this overlong (116 mins) horror movie is too familiar to be of much interest. Some foreign horror fans who resent the usual Bollywood singing and dancing in their horrors seemed to like it. I prefer the musicals though. With Tanuja, Vijay Raaz and Rajpal Yadav.

BIG BAD MAMA (1974 US) D: STEVE CARVER W: WILLIAM NORTON/FRANCIS DOEL P: ROGER CORMAN Angie Dickinson is the 30s crime gang mom who robs banks and does some kidnapping in this pretty typical time-filler of its type. Dick Miller is a Fed on her tail. With William Shatner, Tom Skerritt, Royal Dano, Noble Willingham, Tom Signorelli, Sally Kirland and Paul Linke. Jim Wynorski provided a late, unwanted sequel in 1987.

THE BIG BIRD CAGE (women’s penitentiary 2) (1972 US PHIL) D/W: JACK HILL P: JANE SCHAFFER/ CIRIO H. SANTIAGO Executive producer Roger Corman had Hill make this follow up to his hit THE BIG DOLL HOUSE in the Philippines for New World. It’s not as strong and is more comical, but is lots of fun. Pam Grier and her mercenary boyfriend Sid Haig want to overthrow the government. Grier goes undercover at a women’s prison to lead a mass breakout. Also inside is sexy high profile mistress Anitra Ford, and Carol Speed. The title refers to a tall mill made from bamboo that inmates often die working on. Vic Diaz is a sadistic homosexual guard who lusts after a camp, undercover Haig in leather.

THE BIG BOSS (fist of fury; tong saan daai fong; tang shan de xiong) (1971 HK) D/W: LO WEI P: RAYMOND CHOW Bruce Lee’s first starring role is an unremarkable but rousing kung fu revenge movie. He’s a migrant worker who goes to Thailand, where he finds work in an ice packing plant. The bosses turn out to be evil drug traffickers who pack Lee’s troublemaking co-workers in ice. Original director Wu Chia Hsiang was replaced by Wei, hence some footage (like a saw buried in someone’s head) not available in any print. With Nora Miao, James Tien, Han Ying Chieh, Lee Kwan, Lam Ching Ying, Lau Wing, Billy Chan and Peter Chan Lung. FIST OF FURY was next for Lee.

THE BIG BOSS (1976) See: MISTER SCARFACE

BIG BOSS OF SHANGHAI (seung hoi taan daai hung) (1979 HK) D: CHEN KUAN TAI W: I. KUANG P: LO WEI/HSU I. HWA Chen Kuan Tai and Jimmy Lee are labourer friends in Shanghai who inadvertently become racketeers after scaring away mob employed protection money collectors. Chen Kuan Tai remains uncorrupted while Jimmy Lee becomes more and more tainted and ruthless. Unremarkable yet solid kung fu crime drama has more than competent choreography from Chan Sau Chung and Chan Muk Quen.

THE BIG BRAWL (battle creek brawl; sha shou hao) (1980 US HK) D/W: ROBERT CLOUSE P: FRED WEINTRAUB/ RAYMOND CHOW The director of ENTER THE DRAGON and BLACK BELT JONES helmed Jackie Chan’s first attempt at cracking the US market (the same year he was in CANNONBALL RUN). It’s a very poor 30s gangster film with comedy and some action set pieces. It’s not enough Chan for hardcore fans and it didn’t fly in the US. With Mako, Rosalind Chao, José Ferrer, Larry Drake, Kristine De Bell, H.B. Haggerty, Ox Baker and Jeep Swenson. Chan’s next American non-hit was THE PROTECTOR.

THE BIG BUS (1976 US) D: JAMES FRAWLEY W/P: FRED FREEMAN/LAWRENCE J. COHEN This silly but fairly entertaining spoof predates AIRPLANE! with a similar brand of humour. Joseph Bologna stars as the captain of The Cyclops, the world’s first nuclear powered bus on a non-stop maiden voyage from New York to Denver. José Ferrer in an iron lung is the villain who sends brother Stuart Margolin to put a bomb on the bus. With Stockard Channing, John Beck, Richard B. Shull, Ned Beatty, Howard Hesseman, Lynn Redgrave, Rene Auberjonois, Larry Hagman, Vic Tayback, Harold Gould, Sally Kellerman, Ruth Gordon, Richard Mulligan, Vito Scotti, Mary Wilcox, Walter Brooke and David Essex. Most of the humour has dated, but I liked the scene in an all-bus driver bar (“Watch out! He’s got a broken milk carton”), Jane’s Book of Bombs and the cheerful Oriental lounge pianist (Murphy Dunne from THE BLUES BROTHERS).

THE BIG BUST-OUT (crucified girls of san ramon; la monaco tre bastardi e sette pecatrici; io monaco… pertre cargone estele pecatric; ich, die sonne und die schweinhunde) (1972 ITL W.GER) D/W/P: “RICHARD JACKSON” (ERNST R. VON THEUMER) W: SERGIO GARRONE At a women’s prison in a very confused, unspecified location that looks Euro but is filled with men dressed in Middle Eastern garb, the beautiful international inmates knock out the guards, steal the habits of some nuns at a local convent and take off with machine-guns. A real nun goes along with them. Some white slave traders cause more problems. Despite a little nudity, some action and a rape scene, this is very tame for its type, so ultimately not worth the watch. With Gordon Mitchell, Vonetta McGee, Tony Kendall and William Berger. Theumer also made the much more well-rounded JUNGLE WARRIORS.

THE BIG COMBO (1955 US) D: JOSEPH H. LEWIS W: PHILIP YORDAN P: SIDNEY HARMON This amazing fim noir classic is from the director of GUN CRAZY, but is even better. Cornel Wilde is the cop trying to get his ex-wife (Jean Wallace) back from mobster Richard Conte, and break up his racket. John Alton’s b/w photography is superb and there’s lots of nasty violence (for the time). Brian Donlevy’s demise is a highlight. Lee Van Cleef is a homosexual thug. With John Hoyt, Whit Bissell, Earl Holliman, Ted De Corsia, Roy Gordon, Michael Mark and Philip Van Zandt. Wilde and Wallace were married in real-life. Would make an unforgettable 55 noir double bill with KISS ME DEADLY.

THE BIG DOLL HOUSE (women’s penitentiary; women in cages; women’s penitentiary 3) (1971 US) D: JACK HILL W: DON SPENCER P: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO Hill went to the Philippines to film this trendsetting drive-in classic for Roger Corman’s New World. Judith M. Brown is the new inmate at an all-female prison in the jungle who has to avoid torture, beatings, becoming Pam Grier’s bitch and try to escape along with Pat Woodell, Brooke Mills and Roberta Collins. These fine-looking women (in miniuniforms) end up breaking out with machine-guns, planning to hook up with revolutionaries hiding in the mountains. But not before electroshock therapy (with breast cup attachments!), having a deadly cobra slowly lowered towards a topless Brown and (my favourite) Woodell being whipped in only panties. Sid Haig has a great part as a horny grocery salesman. Roger Corman, Eddie Romero and John Ashley were executive producers. Grier sings the great theme tune (music by Hall Daniels) and returned in THE BIG BIRD CAGE.

THE BIG FIGHT (blood on the sun; lui toi; lei tai) (1972 TAI) D/W/P: SUN SHING YUAN W: SONG FUNG HEI/WONG WEN YUAN Local hero Cheung Ching Ching and Tin Peng lead a revolution in their small town in North China against sadistic Japanese oppressors in this dated but progressive early 70s kung fu melodrama (that has more action than most for its time). A martial arts tournament is integral to the plot. With Jack Long, Yee Yuen, Cheng Fu Kung, Choi Wang, Man Man, Hsieh Hsing, Au Lap Bo, Blacky Ko and Shih Ting Ken. Chan Chin was choreographer.

BIGFOOT (king kong’s son) (1969 US) D/W: ROBERT F. SLATZER W: JAMES GORDON WHITE P: ANTHONY CAROZA Chris Mitchum (also assistant director) is partying in the woods, up a mountain with his biker gang. His girl (wearing a bikini) gets snatched by one of the titular title characters. Mitchum makes a call to his buddies (who abandoned him earlier) to come and help. Meanwhile, opportunist drifters John Carradine and John Mitchum offer to look for her, while contemplating the bounty on a living Bigfoot. Joi Lansing (who we saw earlier parachuting from her exploding plane) has also been captured by the creatures (they carry stone axes). There’s talk of mating (a “hybrid” is seen), but nothing happens (see THE BEAUTIES AND THE BEAST instead). The main Bigfoot is trapped in a cave by dynamite at the end of this pretty tedious feature. The most interesting part is when we see a Sasquatch burial ground! Apparently Jim Mitchum made a fuss about non-payment, so he was written out and is absent from the ending. Former B western star Ken Maynard runs the general store (a poster for one of his movies is on the wall). With James Craig as the sheriff, Haji (from FASTER PUSSYCAT, KILL! KILL!), Doodles Weaver, (former Elvis bodyguard) Sonny West, Lindsay Crosby and Cardoza. Hugo Grimaldi was an editor. “It was beauty that did ’im in.”

BIGFOOT: THE MYSTERIOUS MONSTER See: THE MYSTERIOUS MONSTERS

BIG GHOST WAR See: BIG MONSTER WAR

BIGGLES: ADVENTURES IN TIME (1985 UK) D: JOHN HOUGH W: JOHN GROVES/KENT WALIN/W.E. JOHNS P: POM OLIVER Alex Hyde-White is an American business executive who is thrown back in time to help his “time twin” Biggles (Neil Dickson), the legendary WWI flying ace and 1920s pulp icon. Peter Cushing had his last role in this mediocre adventure fantasy. The director also previously worked for Hammer. With William Hootkins, Fanny Carby anbd Patricia Ford.

THE BIG GUNDOWN (la resa dei conti; halcon y le presa) (1967 ITL SPN) D/W: SERGIO SOLLIMA W: SERGIO DONATI/TULIO DEMICHELI/ FERNANDO MORANDI/FRANCO SOLINAS P: ALBERTO GRIMALDI Texas lawman Lee Van Cleef is about to run for governor with backing from an influential tycoon pushing for a railroad to be built at the beginning of this very good western. When a little girl is raped and murdered, he tracks main suspect Tomas Milian and tries to stop him from crossing the border into Mexico. Van Cleef slowly discovers that he’s a reluctant cog in a conspiracy. With Fernando Sancho, Walter Barnes, Robert Carmardie, Romano Puppo, Tom Felleghy, Antonio Casas, Benito Stefanelli, Luis Barboo, Nello Pazzafini, Benabe Barta Barri, Nieves Navarro, Frank Brana, Antonio Molino Rojo, Angel del Pozo, Lorenzo Robledo and Fernando Sanchez Polack. You will have heard the Ennio Morricone soundtrack in many kung fu films that “borrowed” it. I saw an 89 mins English dub, but the original version runs substantially longer. RUN, MAN, RUN was the inferior, episodic follow up the same year.

THE BIG HEAT (1953 US) D: FRITZ LANG W: SYDNEY BOEHM P: ROBERT ARTHUR Glenn Ford is a detective who doesn’t believe that a fellow officer’s suicide is cut and dry. As a reward for poking his nose in where it’s not wanted, his wife (Jocelyn Brando) is killed with a car-bomb. This great b/w crime movie is most famous for Lee Marvin slinging hot coffee in Gloria Grahame’s face. It’s based on a newspaper serial story by William P. McGiven. With Alexander Scourby, Jeanette Nolan, Carolyn Jones, Dan Seymour, Willis Bouchey, Robert Burton, Edith Evanson, Phil Arnold, Charles Crane, John Crawford, John Doucette, Douglas Evans, Donald Kerr, Lyle Latell, Harry Lauter, Paul Maxey, John Merton and Michael Ross.

BIG HEAT (1986) See: HEAT (1986)

THE BIG HEAT (sing si dak ging; cheng shi te jing) (1988 HK) D: ANDREW KAM YUEN WAH/JOHNNIE TO KE FUNG W: GORDON CHAN P: TSUI HARK Gangster Phillip Kwok is busy importing drugs into Hong Kong, trying to make as much money as possible before the 1997 Chinese takeover. Waise Lee is the cop on his case trying to get a conviction and avenge the death of his partner, but witnesses willing to testify have a habit of turning up dead. The first half hour and the final 10 mins have lots of exhilarating, violent action and gore (the opening scene has power drill torture). The midsection is pretty slow-going, but this is overall a decent crime flick that you might enjoy. With Joey Wong, Stuart Ong, Aaron Kwok, Robin Shou, Michael Chow and Roy Cheung. From the codirectors of SWORDSMAN and THE HEROIC TRIO.

THE BIG HIT (warheads) (1998 US) D: CHE-KIRK WONG W: BEN RAMSEY P: WARREN ZIDE/WESLEY SNIPES Mark Wahlberg (who’s just rented KING KONG LIVES!) stars as a professional hit man with girlfriend trouble and has unwittingly pissed-off his employer (Avery Brooks) by kidnapping his god-daughter (China Chow, looking sexy in a school uniform). Lou Diamond Phillips is particularly annoying as his double-crossing partner and Bookeem Woodbine provides comic relief as a chronic masturbator. With Antonio Sabata Jr. (very small role), Christina Applegate, Elliot Gould, Lainie Kazan, Lela Rochon, Sab Shimono and Gerry Mendicino. This black-comedy action movie desperately wants to be hip, stylish and funny, but fails on all counts. Derivative Hong Kong-style action highlights another failed Hollywood crossover attempt. John Woo was executive producer.

BIG HOUSE, U.S.A. (1955 US) D: HOWARD W. KOCH W: JOHN C. HIGGINS/GEORGE W. GEORGE/ GEORGE F. SLAVIN P: AUBREY SCHENCK Ralph Meeker abducts an asthmatic little boy for ransom at Royal Gorge National Park in Colorado. The kid accidentally dies, so Meeker casually dumps the body in a canyon and attempts to escape the area with the loot. A police dragnet headed by federal agent Reed Hadley (who narrates) catches him with some of the cash, but he’s sent to Casabel Island penitentiary (where he’s dubbed The Ice Man) without revealing the location of the rest of it. His cellmates (William Talman, Broederick crawford, Lon Chaney Jr. and Charles Bronson!) hate his guts and call him a child murderer, but make him tag along during a daring underwater escape (obviously shot in a pool) so he can lead them to the money. This implausible yet highly enjoyable prison/caper movie benefits from a great B movie cast, and is a must-see for fans of tough b/w vintage programmers. With Roy Roberts, Willis Bouchey, Robert Bray, William Boyett, Nelson Leigh, Jan Merlin, Joe Ploski and Harry Wilson. It was the famed producer Koch’s second directorial credit (after SHIELD FOR MURDER the previous year). His next was the great jd musical UNTAMED YOUTH.

BIG JAKE (1971 US) D: GEORGE SHERMAN/JOHN WAYNE (uncredited) W: HARRY JULIAN FINK/RITA M. FINK P: MICHAEL WAYNE Pretty good if overlong western has tough John Wayne and his two estranged sons (real-life son Patrick Wayne and Robert Mitchum’s son Christopher) going after a gang of thieves, murderers and basic scum (led by Richard Boone) who’ve kidnapped another much younger son. Maureen O’Hara is the mother. With Bruce Cabot, John Agar, Glenn Corbett, John Doucette, Jim Davis, Harry Carey Jr., Gregg Palmer, Roy Jenson, Ethan Wayne, Hank Worden and Chuck Roberson. George Fenneman narrates.

THE BIG LEBOWSKI (1997 US UK) D/W/P: JOEL AND ETHAN COEN Jeff Bridges is 60s hangover dropout “the dude” who has the same name as millionaire Jeffrey Lebowski (David Huddleston). When Huddleston’s young nympho wife (Tara Reid, who stars in a porno called Logjammin’) owes money all over town, she’s kidnapped (or not) and Bridges is embroiled when he becomes a victim of mistaken identity. This rambling LONG GOODBYE-style comedy is the Coen’s most pretentious (and critically trashed) since BARTON FINK, but it’s highly entertaining and very funny. Insane ’nam vet John Goodman and Steve Buscemi are his bowling buddies, while John Turturro is bowling rival Jesus, and Peter Stormare (from FARGO) is the head of a German nihilist group (and appears briefly in Logjammin’ with Asia Carrera). With Julianne Moore, David Thewlis, Ben Gazzara, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Sam Elliott (who narrates), Flea, Mark Pellegrino, Jimmie Dale Gilmore, Jack Kehler, Richard Gant, Jon Polito, Leon Russon and some great dream sequences.

BIG MAGNUM 77 See: BLAZING MAGNUM

BIG MAN JAPAN (dai nihonjin) (2007 JPN) D/W: HITOSHI MATSUMOTO W: TAKASU KOSEI P: AKIHIKO OKAMOTO Superstar comedian Matsumoto’s feature directorial debut (see TOZU review for earlier work) has him star as an average guy with everyday problems, who also happens to be the latest in a long line of superheroes who defend Japan from strange monsters. When zapped with electricity he grows to enormous size. Also the star of a (low-rated) tv show, sponsors advertise via tattoos on his huge body. Mostly shot like a documentary as a crew follows him on his pathetic day to day existence, occasional CGI-heavy scenes show him doing battle with inventive alien creatures (one has the hilarious face of Riki Takeuchi). It’s probably too long at over two hours, but this very different black comedy experiment that sailed over most people’s heads is worth a look. With Itsuji Itao, Hiroyuki Miyasoko, Takayuki Haranishi, Ryonosuke Kamiki, Daisuke Miyakawa and the actress known as Ua. SYMBOL (2009) and SCABBARD SAMURAI (2011) were other funny Matsumoto features virtually unknown outside Japan.

THE BIG MASTER See: MASTER WITH CRACKED FINGERS

BIG MONSTER ON CAMPUS See: TEEN MONSTER

BIG MONSTER WAR (big ghost war; ghosts on parade; spook warfare; yokai daisenso) (1968 JPN) D: YOSHIYUKI KURODA W: TETSUROU YOSHIDA P: YAMATO YATSUHIRO This sequel to HUNDRED MONSTERS is an improvement. Because director Kuroda is an FX man, this is less talky and more visual (Hiroshi Imai’s photography is top-notch), with a lot of monsters given more screen time. In the ruins of Babylonia, some treasure hunters unwittingly release Daimon, a demon who looks kinda like the Kuroda-designed MAJIN. It flies to Edo period Japan and possesses some men by drinking their blood like a vampire. A group of crazed samurai are soon roaming the countryside looking for young children to suck dry. The underwater comic relief monster Kappa informs all the other monsters (including that oneeyed umbrella thing, long-neck woman, a beautiful woman with an extra ugly, long-nosed face on the back of her head and many more). They look Daimon up in the Dictionary of Japanese Monsters (!), but can’t find him. It soon becomes clear that this is an evil foreign presence and all the monsters in Japan team-up at the end to fight it. The monsters can talk by the way and offer plenty of comic relief. An oddity that’s well worth a look. Yoshihiko Aoyama is the second-fiddle human star hero. With Takashi Kanda, Asao Uchida, Gen Kimura, Kisao Tobita and Rokko Toura. TOKAIDO ROAD MONSTERS was next. Kuroda also helmed THE INVISIBLE SWORDSMAN (1970) and the sixth and final entry in the LONE WOLF AND CUB series. This was essentially remade in 2005 by Takashi Miike (it wasn’t much fun).

THE BIG RED ONE (1980 US) D/W: SAMUEL FULLER P: GENE CORMAN Here’s an interesting, honest, non-gung ho WWII movie from the late, great Fuller. Lee Marvin is the sergeant of a platoon that includes Mark Hamill and Robert Carradine. It manages to make the realities of war devastating and funny (sometimes at the same time). In one memorable scene a woman gives birth in a tank. It’s based on Fuller’s own experiences. With Marthe Villalonga, Stephane Audran, Siegfried Rauch, Serge Marquand and Alain Doutey. Monte Hellman was the second unit director. A Dutch documentary is SAM FULLER AND THE BIG RED ONE (1979), narrated by Aldo Ray.

BIG RUCKUS IN A SMALL TOWN See: RUCKUS

BIG SHOTS See: THE BOYS NEXT DOOR

THE BIG SWITCH (strip poker; the untouchable) (1970 UK) D/W/P: PETE WALKER Awful early crime caper quickie from Walker runs only 68 mins and has a forgettable and contrived plot. A tough guy ad executive forced into working for the mob in London (and then in Brighton) is the hero. [Illus.]

BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986 US) D: JOHN CARPENTER W: GARY GOLDMAN/DAVID Z. WEINSTEIN/W.D. RICHTER P: LARRY J. FRANCO Kurt Russell (channeling John Wayne in a typical macho Carpenter role) is a truck driver who gets involved in a magical adventure in San Francisco’s Chinatown after a friend’s green-eyed fiancée (Suzee Pai) is kidnapped by ancient sorcerer James Hong. This tall tale involving magic, martial arts and monsters (including a floating brain) is told in flashback by Victor Wong. It’s kinda fun, but doesn’t really come close to many Hong Kong fantasy movies (which it steals ideas from). Carter Wong (BORN INVINCIBLE) features prominently, and expands and explodes. With Kim Cattrall, Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa, Jerry Hardin, James Lew, George Cheung, Gerald Okamura and Carpenter. Steve Johnson provided FX, and Conan Lee was a stuntman.

THE BIG ZAPPER (some call her…dirty harriet, the big zapper) (1973 UK) D/P: LINDSAY SHONTEFF W: HUGH BRODY A female private investigator with a horny male sidekick investigate the disappearance of a wealthy man’s daughter. The plot involves murder and Japanese samurai. With nudity, some action and Marlowe-style narration, it’s a thoroughly irritating little turd of a spoof. THE SWORDSMAN (1974) was a sequel.

BIKINI GIRL HUNT See: HOW TO STUFF A WILD BIKINI

BILL AND COO (1947 US) D/W: DEAN RIESNER W: ROYAL FOSTER P: KEN MURRAY In this unique (colour) release from Republic, real birds act out all the main characters on miniature sets. A big black crow is the villain and a cat is a “ferocious beast” in a cage at the circus. It’s worth knowing about this oddity from a director who went on to write several Clint Eastwood hits (!), but you’re enjoyment depends on how much you like birds. A narrator lets us know what’s going on most of the time. It’s about an hour long.

BILL AND TED’S BOGUS JOURNEY (1991 US) D: PETER HEWITT W: CHRIS MATHESON/ED SOLOMON P: SCOTT KROOPF Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves return as the loveable airheads in this equally fun sequel. This time evil robot clones of themselves kill them, so they go to Heaven and Hell to try to get pardoned and return to save the Earth. The world is saved and Kiss play God Gave Rock’n’Roll To You. With William Sadler as Death, Pam Grier, Joss Ackland, Taj Mahal, George Carlin and Matheson and Solomon.

BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE (1989 US) D: STEPHEN HEREK W: CHRIS MATHESON/ED SOLOMON P: SCOTT KROOPF/MICHAEL S. MURPHEY/ JOEL SOISSON This teen-appeal time travel comedy is surprisingly funny and enjoyable. Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves are heavy metal loving teen airheads who find a time travelling phone box (copied from DOCTOR WHO) that helps them meet historical figures so they can pass an exam. It’s better than it sounds and the soundtrack is mostly awful but fitting. With Clarence Clemons, Fee Waybill, Jane Wiedlin, George Carlin, Bernie Casey, the Bruce Springsteen band, Martha Davis and Solomon and Matheson (Richard Matheson’s son). A sequel and two tv series’ (one animated) followed.

BILLION DOLLAR BRAIN (1967 UK) D: KEN RUSSELL W: JOHN McGRATH P: HARRY SALTZMAN Final entry in the original Michael Caine-as-Harry Palmer spy movies trilogy (following THE IPCRESS FILE and 1966’s FUNERAL IN BERLIN). Apparently Russell wasn’t too keen on making it, which explains the different but tiresome high camp overdrive spin given to the ridiculous story about a Texas tycoon (Ed Begley) trying to overthrow Communist Russia via revolution and the title computer (which Karl Malden is manipulating for his own ends). With Francoise Dorleac (who died later that year), Oscar Homolka, Vladek Sheybal, Gregg Palmer, Fred Griffiths, and small bits for you to spot from Donald Sutherland and Susan George. Andre de Toth (who directed Caine in PLAY DIRTY the following year) was executive producer. Prior to more 90s Caine vehicles based on Len Deighton novels (BULLET TO BEIJING and MIDNIGHT IN SAINT PETERSBURG), came the cheaper, more obscure SPY STORY (1976) staring Don Fellows as Palmer. Russell went on to make his more acclaimed, personal films WOMEN IN LOVE (1969) and THE MUSIC LOVERS (1970) next.

BILLY JACK (1971 US) D/W/P: “T.C. FRANK”, “FRANK CHRISTINA”, “MARY ROSE SOLTI” (TOM LAUGHLIN) W: “TERESA CHRISTINA” (DOLORES TAYLOR) Tom Laughlin reprised his half-breed ’nam vet character from biker movie THE BORN LOSERS for this odd, self-indulgent mix of message movie and exploitation. The plot revolves around an experimental school/workshop for disillusioned runaway kids outside a small, hostile hick Arizona town. It’s run by a pacifist woman (played by Laughlin’s wife Dolores Taylor) whose values are at odds with the tough, intimidating pro-force Jack (who won’t shut up about mystical Indian teachings, and refers to “the white man” often enough to drive you up the wall). Despite very long stretches taken up by boring scenes of the kids at their hippy workshops (the film’s almost two hours long), scenes of action, rape etc. show promising flair. It could have been enjoyable, slick JOHNNY FIRECLOUD-like fare, but Laughlin has his own preachy agenda, the killjoy. It ends with the set-up for the loony sequel THE TRIAL OF BILLY JACK (1974). There was also BILLY JACK GOES TO WASHINGTON (1977). With Kenneth Tobey, Bert Freed, Howard Hesseman and Bong Soo Han (who choreographed very brief hapkido moves, and even doubled for Laughlin). The production went through several different studios (AIP, Fox, Warner) before Laughlin bought it back, and disappointed by its lack of business, four-walled it into loads of theatres. It was a hit.

BILLY THE KID VERSUS DRACULA (1966 US) D: WILLIAM BEAUDINE W: CARL K. HITTLEMAN P: CARROLL CASE John Carradine (who turns into an unconvincing plastic bat on a string) is Dracula in the Wild West, posing as Billy the Kid Chuck Courtney’s girlfriend’s uncle. Virginia Christine is a superstitious German maid, with Roy Barcroft, William Forrest and Harry Carey Jr. Dull programmer from Bill “one shot” Beaudine, who directed over 200 films starting from 1915. These include the follow up JESSE JAMES MEETS FRANKENSTEIN’S DAUGHTER, many quickie westerns, THE APE MAN, GHOSTS ON THE LOOSE, SPOOK BUSTERS, BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA and ended his career with some episodes of THE GREEN HORNET (with Bruce Lee) that were edited into FURY OF THE DRAGON.

BINGE & PURGE (2002 CAN) D/W: BRIAN CLEMENT Cops investigate random cases of cannibalism and discover flesh-eating fashion models in this cheap shot-on-video gore comedy from the director of the MEAT MARKET series (who has a cameo). It was shot in British Columbia, and features acid puke, a homeless man’s cock removed with scissors and flashbacks to the Spanish Civil War of the 30s (!?). Yet another disposable turd in the seemingly neverending pile of 80s-onwards independent productions from people who seem to think cheap gore is still a novelty. My mate Nick Sheehan is in it, though!

BIO-AMAZZONES See: DEMON’S KISS

BIO-COPS (sang dut dak ging ji song shut yam; sheng hua te jing zhi sang shi ren wu; gen-x zombie) (2000 HK) D: CHENG WAI MAN W: SZE TO CHEUK HON Awful, unrelated follow up to BIO-ZOMBIE. Benny Lai Chun is a government agent bitten by a top secret military zombie soldier prototype and later spreading the virus on Hong Kong island. Most of the action takes place in a police station under siege. The pathetic makeup is carelessly applied to the face only, the neck being conspicuously clean. Sam Lee returns from the original alongside star Stephen Fung. With Hui Siu-Hung, Frankie Ng, Chin Kar Lok, Samuel Leung and Jude Poyer.

BIO-CRISIS See: QUARANTINE

BIO DISASTER See: CONTAMINATED MAN

BIO-FORCE 1 (mutant species; bio-species) (1995 US) D/W/P: DAVID A. PRIOR/WILLIAM S. VIGIL Leo Rossi is a soldier who contracts something from a crash-landed experimental NASA probe and turns into a man-in-a-suit monster that rips off heads in the woods. Ted Prior is the hero soldier in danger. With Denise Crosby, Wilford Brimley and Powers Boothe. If you’re wondering whether it’s any good then you’ve obviously been lucky enough to avoid Prior’s work in the past. Keep up the good work.

BIOHAZARD See: RESIDENT EVIL (series)

BIO-INFERNO See: WARNING SIGN

BIONIC BREAKDOWN See: BIONIC EVER AFTER?

BIONIC EVER AFTER? (bionic breakdown) (1994 US) D: STEPHAN STAFFORD W: MICHAEL SLOAN/ NORMAN MORRILL/MARTIN CAIDIN P: MICHAEL O. GALLANT Lindsay Wagner is still looking pretty good but Lee Majors looks like an old codger pushing his luck in this final (about bloody time!) SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN/BIONIC WOMAN reunion movie. Farrah Forke is the vengeful daughter of a forgetten scientist who implants a virus inside the bionic couple. With Richard Anderson (also co-executive producer), Lee Majors II, Ivan Sergei, Michael Burgess and Wendy’s restaurant chain founder Dave Thomas.

BIONIC SHOWDOWN: THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN AND THE BIONIC WOMAN (1989 US) D: ALAN J. LEVI W: MICHAEL SLOAN/BROCK CHOY/ ROBERT DE LAURENTIIS P: BERNADETTE JOYCE/NIGEL WATTS Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner (and Richard Anderson and Majors II) return for another tv movie you don’t want to be watching. A prestardom Sandra Bullock is a wheelchair-bound young woman who’s turned bionic and then entered into the Olympics (cheating surely?) to help Majors catch the bad guy. With Lawrence Dane. BIONIC EVER AFTER? followed, for all you masochists.

BIO-SPECIES See: BIO-FORCE 1

BIOZOID See: THE TERROR WITHIN 2

BIO-ZOMBIE (sang dut sau shut; sheng hua shou shi) (1998 HK) D/W: WILSON YIP W: SO MAN SING/ MATT CHOW P: JOE MA Jordan Chan and Sam Lee are a couple of lazy, dimwitted vcd pirates (the opening credits are badly filmed inside a theatre on a camcorder) who unwittingly let someone drink some Lucozade containing an Iraqi-engineered virus that turns people into zombies. This results in a small bunch of characters fending off the living dead in a mall, à la DAWN OF THE DEAD via the Resident Evil video game. There’s more dumb comedy than gore or shocks, but it does have its moments. Just not enough of them for me to truly recommend it. With Emotion Cheung, Wayne Lai and Angela Tong. An alternative ending could be found after the end credit roll on the version I saw. BIO-COPS was a follow up.

THE BIRD PEOPLE IN CHINA (chugoku no chojin) (1998 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: MASANAKA MURA P: YASUHIKO FURUSATO/TOSHIAHI NAKAZAWA Masahiro Motoki is a travelling businessman in China trying to locate a village cut-off from the rest of civilisation that has precious stones on its land. Renji Ishibashi is a yakuza whose organisation gave Motoki’s company money, so he follows to check out the investment. They discover a strange school where children are taught how to fly. There’s interesting moments in this unusual film, but it’s way too slow and ultimately unsatisfying. With Mako. Based on Makoto Shiina’s novel.

THE BIRDS (1963 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: EVAN HUNTER Based on Daphne De Maurier’s novel, this is one of Hitchcock’s most famous and most exciting thrillers, as homicidal birds flock upon a small island community off the coast of California. The many expertly directed set pieces are too familiar to discuss here again. And if you’ve never seen them, then you should, especially if you like suspense and horror (a good bet if you’re reading this book). With Tippi Hedren, Rod Taylor, Jessica Tandy, Veronica Cartwright, Suzanne Pleshette, Charles McGraw, Ethel Griffies, Lonny Chapman, Doodles Weaver, Richard Deacon and Hitchcock. Young future director John “Bud” Cardos was a bird wrangler! Screenwriter Evan Hunter is a pseudonym for one-man crime novel library (and oft adapted) Ed McBain. THE BIRDS 2: LAND’S END (1994) is a late sequel.

BIRDS OF PASSAGE See: TRAMPS

THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE (phantom of terror; the gallery murders; l’ucello dalle piume di cristallo; das geheimnis der schwarzen handschuhe) (1969 ITL W.GER) D/W: DARIO ARGENTO P: SALVATORE ARGENTO/ARTHUR BRAUNER Argento’s debut is pretty much a template for what he would make for the most of his career. Traditional black leather glove-wearing killer (Argento himself), red herrings and brutal violence (although this is a lot tamer than his later efforts). It’s an adequate murder mystery but is cold and passionless, a problem I have with a lot of celebrated Argento flicks. The dull Tony Musante stars as the witness in danger, with Suzy Kendall, Enrico Maria Salerno, Werner Peters, Mario Adorf, Giuseppe Castellano, Gianm De Bendetto, Carla Mancini, Fulvio Mingozzi, Reggie Nalder, Umberto Raho, Renato Romano and Rosita Torosh. The best things about it are Vittoria Storraro’s cinematography, Ennio Morricone’s excellent soundtrack and a genuinely unexpected twist ending.

BIRTH OF THE WIZARD (wizard of darkness 2; eko eko azaraku 2) (1995 JPN) D/W: SHIMAKO SATO W: SHINICHI KOGA P: YOSHINORI CHIBA/TOMOYUKI IMAI Kimika Yoshina returns in this slightly better sequel to WIZARD OF DARKNESS, as she’s stalked by the spirit of a 19th century black witch who possesses various characters’ bodies. It’s surprisingly violent and way too derivative of earlier, better features. With Hideo (or Eisiei) Amamoto. MISA: THE DARK ANGEL was the next entry without Yoshina, and there was also a tv series and a part four (at least).

THE BITE (1984) See: MONSTER DOG

THE BITE (1988) See: CURSE 2: THE BITE

BITTER MOON (lunes de fiel) (1992 US UK FRA) D/W/P: ROMAN POLANSKI W: GERARD BRACH/ JOHN BROWNJOHN/JEFF GROSS Underrated and pretty much ignored Polanski gem stars Hugh Grant (and wife Kristen Scott Thomas) as a vacationing English couple on an ocean liner who get involved with bitter wheelchair-bound Peter Coyote and his sexy French wife Emanuelle Seigner (Polanski’s reallife wife). Coyote is a bad Hemmingway-wannabe writer who narrates the story in flashback to Grant. It’s a sometimes gut-wrenching tale of sexual passion and degradation (set in Paris), based on a novel by Pascal Bruckner. Not Polanski at his most subtle, but it’s an improvement on FRANTIC. With Stockard Channing and Olivia Bruneaux. The director made DEATH AND THE MAIDEN next.

BITTERSWEET (the revolver) (1999 US) D: LUCA BERCOVICI W: RICK JOE BLOGGS P: KANDICE AND LANCE KING Chemistry student Angie Everhart is tricked into robbing a warehouse by her boyfriend who then shoots her and a security guard. She survives but does time for murder. Four years later she’s released and is looking for vengeance. James Russo is a cop who gives her enough rope to find her ex (now rising in the ranks of the crime world) because he wants the kingpin who had his wife and kids killed (Eric Roberts looking ridiculous with a ponytail and dreadlocks). Sleep-inducing waste of time. With Carl Ciarfalio and Bercovici.

BLACK ANGEL VOL.1 (kuro no tenshi) (1998 JPN) D/W/P: TAKASHI ISHII P: HIDEO MOMODA/YUJI SASAKI Riona Hazuki is a yakuza child whose family is slaughtered. A henchman for a rival gang called The Black Angel sends her away to LA for her own protection. She returns to Tokyo for revenge. Director Ishii created the ANGEL GUTS series and wrote EVIL DEAD TRAP 1 and 3, which is why this boring, formulaic action thriller comes as such a disappointment. With Kippei Shina, Jinpachi Nezu, Ren Osugi, Shingo Tsurumi and Hideo Murota.

BLACK ANGEL VOL. 2 (kuro no tenshi vol. 2) (1999 JPN) D/W/P: TAKASHI ISHII P: KAZUO ISHII This one has a different star and story, but is more of the same sex and violence among Tokyo yakuza and hitwomen. Yuki Amami is topbilled, with Takeshi Yamato, Shingo Tsurumi in drag and Susumu Terajima covered in tattoos. If you liked the original you may enjoy, but I couldn’t have cared less. There were more sequels.

BLACK BEETLE See: THEY CRAWL

BLACK BELT JONES (1974 US) D: ROBERT CLOUSE W: OSCAR WILLIAMS/ALEX ROSS W/P: FRED WEINTRAUB P: PAUL HELLER Jim Kelly helps Gloria Hendry karate chop the gangsters who had her martial arts school-owning father Papa Byrd (Scatman Crothers) killed. See Kelly’s all-girl trampoline class help! See a karate gospel funeral! Fun relic from the era of Afros and Bruce Lee mania. With a soundtrack by Dennis Coffey and Luchi De Jesus, and Bob Wall. Kelly returned in HOT POTATO (1976).

BLACK BELT JONES 2 See: TATTOO CONNECTION

BLACKBOARD JUNGLE (1955 US) D/W: RICHARD BROOKS P: PANDRO S. BERMAN I was really surprised to find that this controversial (in its day) juvenile delinquent social problem drama is still highly watchable and pretty exciting (if a little dated). Glenn Ford stars as the new English teacher at an inner-city school who defies convention by actually trying to teach the rowdy, no-hope gang member students. John Hoyt is the headmaster who refuses to acknowledge the delinquency problem and Anne Francis is Ford’s heavily pregnant wife. Intelligent Sidney Poitier and spiteful Vic Morrow lead the racedivided students. With Louis Calhern, Richard Kiley, Emile Meyer, Warner Anderson, Paul Mazursky, Horace McMahon, Jamie Farr, Richard Deacon, Robert Foulk, Manuel Paris and Three Stooges regular Emil Sitka. Unofficially remade as the exploitation classic CLASS OF 1984. Hard to believe now, but Bill Haley’s Rock Around The Clock on the soundtrack resulted in theatre vandalism at the time of its initial release.

BLACKBOARD MASSACRE See: MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH

THE BLACK BOUNTY KILLER See: BOSS NIGGER

BLACK BULLET See: TRUCK TURNER

THE BLACK BUNCH (super sisters; vicious virgins) (1973 US) D: HENNING SCHELLURP W: CHESTER CARLFI P: DANIEL CADY Two white guys (one is an unconvincing German), two American blacks and a blonde woman head into the jungles of Africa (during a civil war) to find a downed plane and a rich businessman’s son on-board (and some diamonds). They bump into four big-breasted black native women (speaking English) who agree to guide them. But the (frequently topless) women are secretly out to steal their guns and avenge the deaths of their tribe by mercenaries. This doesn’t stop them from fucking a lot, though. The blonde is also seen naked. There’s nothing much to recommend it unless you’re looking for vintage black performer sexploitation. A barely-in-it Michael Pataki is featured in an ending that seems to suggest a sequel was planned.

BLACK CAESAR (the godfather of harlem) (1973 US) D/W/P: LARRY COHEN Black cast update of gangster classic LITTLE CAESAR (1930) stars Fred Williamson as a shoeshine boy on the streets of New York who’s risen the ranks of the local crime scene to become a respected crime lord who must fight Italian mobsters over turf. The early scenes (with a different teen actor) showing the character’s roots are the best. Later highlights include a racist cop being forced to clean Williamson’s shoes in blackface and the great ending (utilising fabulous location photography). It’s a typical rushed Cohen affair that’s never fully satisfying, but a must-see for those interested in black action cinema. With Gloria Hendry, D’Urville Martin, Julius W. Harris, Don Pedro Colley and William Wellman Jr. The soundtrack is by James Brown. HELL UP IN HARLEM was the sequel (the same year).

BLACK CANDLES (hot fantasies; naked dreams; los ritos sexuales del diablo) (1981 SPN) D/W: “JOSEPH BRAUNSTEIN” (JOSÉ RAMON LARRAZ) One of Larraz’s least interesting hack jobs is a softcore semisupernatural sex drama about a woman and her boyfriend visiting widow Helga Line at a remote British castle and getting involved with witchcraft, sacrifices and orgies (involving a goat). Tepid and boring.

THE BLACK CAT (the house of doom; the vanishing body) (1934 US) D/W: EDGAR G. ULMER W: PETER RURK/TOM KILPATRICK (uncredited) P: CARL LAEMMLE JR. Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff’s first movie together is no horror classic, but rather a unique and effective b/w chiller (with an unusual plot). David Manners is a mystery writer travelling in Hungary with wife Jacqueline Wells. They meet mysterious psychiatrist Lugosi, who’s just been released from some kind of horrible prison camp. All three end up in architect Karloff’s modern house (cool sets) which was built on a mass grave (that Karloff, who has a striking haircut, is supposed to have been responsible for). Boris and Bela (who has a phobia of cats) turn out to be old enemies, Karloff having stolen Bela’s wife. The wife is now dead, preserved in a glass case and Karloff has married Bela’s daughter! There’s also an angle involving a satanic black mass (where a young, unrecognisable and uncredited John Carradine plays the organ). But the fact that the story never really clicks together is deliberate, and the expertly orchestrated atmosphere of dreamlike unrealism is noted in the film’s funny punchline. Thoroughly recommended, as long as you don’t expect Edgar Allan Poe. With Egon Brecher, Harry Cording, Henry Armetta, Albert Conti, Luis Alberni, Herman Bing, Symon Boniface, King Baggot, Andre Cheron, George Davis, John George, Michael Mark, Alphoinse Martell, Paul Panzer and Paul Weigel. The talented, still largely unheralded Ulmer was only 30 when he made it.

THE BLACK CAT (Edgar Allan Poe’s…) (1966 US) D/W: HOWARD HOFFMAN P: PATRICK SIMS From Texas, an effective low budget b/w version of the ofttold tale. Robert Frost stars as an alcoholic writer who lives in a big inherited house with his wife (whom he ignores) and a bunch of pets (birds, a raccoon, a monkey and his new present, a black cat called Pluto). He starts a fight in a bar where a band plays Bo Diddley, attacks his wife and cuts out one of the cat’s eyes before hanging it with an electrical wire. The house burns down and he ends up in a psychiatric ward pumped full of drugs. When he eventually gets out to his long suffering wife in a new home, the cat returns, the wife ends up with a bloody axe in the head and there’s the expected walled-up sequence (very well done in this case with creepy makeup and lighting). Hoffman (who also made the documentary SEX AND THE ANIMALS) wrote a bunch of Larry Buchanan movies, and many Buchanan regulars are here, including Anne MacAdams (as Annabelle Weenick) and Bill Thurman (also the key grip).

THE BLACK CAT (il gatto nero) (1980 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: BIAGIO PROIETTI P: GIULIO SBARIGIA Strange and interesting (if not completely successful) Fulci variation on the tale has Patrick Magee trying to contact the dead with electrical equipment. A black cat which hangs around with him sometimes seems to be causing death in a small village. David Warbeck is a Scotland Yard Inspector trying to solve the countryside murders while Mimsy Farmer is an American photographer tricked into helping Magee with his experiments. I enjoyed watching it, completely forgetting that it doesn’t make much sense. With Dagmar Lassander, Al Cliver, Bruno Corazzari and Fulci.

BLACK CAT (hak maau; hei mao) (1991 HK) D/P: STEPHEN SHIN W: LAM WAI LUN/CHAN BO SUN/ LAM DAAN PING Jade Leung stars in this uncredited remake of NIKITA. Simon Yam is the trainer who makes her an assassin. The title refers to a microchip in her head. It’s not bad action fodder, but wildly overrated by many. With Thomas Lam. BLACK CAT 2 (1997) and BLACK CAT IN JAIL (2000) followed.

BLACK CAT MANSION See: THE MANSION OF THE GHOST CAT

BLACK CAVALRY See: SOUL SOLDIER

BLACK CHRISTMAS (silent night, evil night; stranger in the house) (1974 CAN) D/P: BOB CLARK W: ROY MOORE A sorority house is plagued by obscene phone calls (“pretty pink cunt”, voiced by either Clark or Nick Mancuso) that turn nasty during Christmas season. One of the girls has gone missing. A body is found in the park. Could the murderer be star Olivia Hussey’s pushy pro-life boyfriend? Cop John Saxon (who’s excellent in one of his best roles) investigates. Screenwriter Moore provides some great non-clichéd characters and a sense of humour, and Clark directs with an assured flair. If you’ve not heard about the ending by now (appropriated from lousy 1973 obscurity, THE SEVERED ARM), then you are in for a treat. With Art Hindle, Margot Kidder, Andrea Martin and Leslie Carlson. This and DEAD OF NIGHT make two horror classics in a row for Clark. Remade (badly) in 2006.

BLACK COBRA (cobra nero) (1986 ITL) D: STELVIO MASSI W: DANILO MASSI P: LUCIANO APPIGNANI Fred Williamson is a tough, violent cop (who loves his pet cat) who has to protect witness Eva Grimaldi. She’s a fashion photographer who has photos that could identify the leader of an evil biker gang terrorising the city. This ok action thriller copies DIRTY HARRY (and, of course, COBRA). With Sabrina Siani and Maurice Poli. Sequels followed.

BLACK COBRA 2 (1989 ITL) D: “DAN EDWARDS” (EDOARDO MARGHERITI) P: LUCIANO APPIGNANI Fred Williamson returns as the Chicago cop, this time assigned to Interpol agent Nicholas Hammond in Manila, the Philippines. The plot involves terrorists and a valuable microfilm. It’s not very good, but I like it when Williamson (who pretends to know martial arts) plays Scaletrix.

BLACK COBRA 3: MANILA CONNECTION (1990 ITL) D: “DAN EDWARDS” (EDOARDO MARGHERITI) P: LUCIANO APPIGNANI The grown up Interpol agent son of Nicholas Hammond’s character in part two hires Williamson (who should be much older if the kid’s grown up) to help fight terrorists and destroy stolen weapons in the Philippines. Very boring. [Illus.]

BLACK COBRA 4 See: DETECTIVE MALONE

BLACK CONNECTION (run nigger run; strong arm man) (1974 US) D/W/P: MICHAEL S. FINN The Checkmates Ltd. (who recorded for Phil Spector and provide a good funky soundtrack) all have major roles in this dull, meandering black action picture without any action. The plot involves a black pimp trying to get him and his girl out of Dodge after some gangsters, and other characters, smuggle heroin in horses want him dead. The ending (straight out of GET CARTER) is abruptly downbeat enough to wake you up, but is not worth waiting for.

THE BLACK DAHLIA (2006 US GER) D: BRIAN DePALMA W: JOSH FRIEDMAN P: RUDY COHEN/MOSHE DIAMANT/ART LINSON/AVI LERNER Set in the LA of the 1940s, this modern noir mystery offers a different take (not to be taken seriously, I think) on the infamous unsolved Black Dahlia murder case in which the mutilated body of a young female Hollywood wannabe was found on an empty lot. It is loosely based on characters in James Ellroy’s classic, speculative semi-fiction novel on the subject. Had the murder occurred in more recent years, the film would likely be considered in very poor taste. Detectives (and rival semi-pro boxers) Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart, and Scarlett Johansson form the love triangle at the heart of the convoluted, confusing (and badly written) but wonderfully orchestrated and shot (by Vilmos Zsigmond) critically hated flop. It sure wasn’t boring to watch, but it is not a good film. Major errors would be characters watching the 1929 silent (!) flick THE MAN WHO LAUGHS at a theatre (a shoehorned plot device), and a privately shot stag film looking far too cinematic and polished than any genuine article of the time (it looks like a glossier excerpt from a 60s roughie that Something Weird Video might have in their catalogue). With Hilary Swank (who’s supposed to look like co-star Mia Kirshner, but doesn’t at all), Mike Starr, Patrick Fischler, Pepe Serna, Fiona Shaw (scene stealer), Troy Evans, Rose McGowan (bad acting lowlight), DePalma regular Gregg Henry, Rachel Minor, Jemima Roper and K.D. Lang in an unlikely lesbian nightclub. I’m not on the bandwagon for dissing this one though, if all bad major releases were this easy to watch, it would be an improvement on current trends. James B. Harris and Boaz Davidson were executive producers. Interestingly, the always-fascinating Ellroy accurately predicted that this would be an interesting failure before it was completed.

BLACK DAY BLUE NIGHT (blue night road) (1995 US) D/W: J.S. CARDONE P: CAROL KOTTENBROOK/ SCOTT EINBINDER Michelle Forbes gives Mia Sara (who has a topless scene) a ride to Phoenix in her red Cadillac. They pick up mysterious hitchhiker Gil Bellows in the Arizona desert, while cop J.T. Walsh tracks an escaped armoured car robber/murderer. Another quiet, unremarkable but slightly different and entertaining sleeper from Cardone. The ending may be too depressing for some, though. With Tim Guinee and John Beck.

BLACK DEMONS (black zombies; demoni 3) (1991 ITL) D/W: UMBERTO LENZI W: OLGA PEHAR P: GIUSEPPE GARGIULO American brother and sister tourists and their Brit friend in Brazil stay with another couple and their superstitious maid at their place in the country. The corpses of black slaves in chains rise and gouge out an eyeball with a hook. An awful horror movie with bad acting and the expected “surprise ending”. I liked the line of dialogue “You were invoking evil spirits! Admit it!”

BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL (1984 US) D/W/P: CHESTER N. TURNER Computer generated opening titles last for seven mins (!) and we hear some God-awful metal theme (“I’m your nightmare”), and then this black cast film finally starts. The shot-on-camcorder picture quality is the worst. An extremely religious woman is seen at a church sermon, telling a stolen goods seller off on the way home and then chastising a woman on the phone for thinking about sex too much. She goes to an antiques shop and buys a magic East Indian puppet (one of those Jerry Mahoney/Lester ventriloquist dummies in blackface and a rasta wig!), takes it home and puts it on the toilet!? While she has a shower the dummy comes to life and seems to prompt her to have an erotic daydream. Later that day the doll attacks her (represented with freezeframes), ties her to the bed and makes her beg for sex (!) while calling her “bitch” a lot. After a lengthy, hard-to-forget, horrible sex scene, it’s apparent that the dummy has made her his sex slave. Then the doll disappears, she gets frustrated, throws out all her religious stuff and tries to pick up men (at one point going to Elmo’s Bar, where we see some jive-ass dancing), but none of them can satisfy her like the doll (which she has taken to calling Mr. Wonderful). She eventually finds him back at the antiques shop, takes him home and when she tries to use him for pleasure, its eyes light up and everything goes mental, and she dies. This ultra-cheap and ultra-weird rarity has the worst possible synthesiser demo-like soundtrack imaginable, sometimes too loud to hear the dialogue. Shot in Philadelphia and featuring some random, roaming camera shots that would make Doris Wishman proud, it’s one for you jaded bad movie enthusiasts to look out for. And by the way, the end credits also run for seven mins, making this an hour long movie that lasts 74 mins! Turner also directed the equally strange anthology TALES FROM THE QUADEAD ZONE (1987). BLACK DEVIL DOLL (2007) is a homage to this movie.

BLACK DRAGONS (1942 US) D: WILLIAM NIGH W: HARVEY M. GATES P: SAM KATZMAN/JACK DIETZ This b/w Monogram release opens with newspaper headlines reporting the attack on Pearl Harbor. Then we see several white men at a high society cocktail social gathering asking lots of questions about military installations in Hawaii. Why is that then? All will be revealed! Bela Lugosi turns up at one of the men’s house and exerts great control over him. Daughter Joan Barclay can’t understand why. This trundles along for an hour or so, nothing special until the memorably insane climactic flashback where everything is explained. Turns out that those high society types are in fact Japanese spies! Bela is a German scientist who has performed plastic surgery to make them look Caucasian! They have no memory of this but don’t seem to question their own unpatriotic actions. Bela wants revenge because his Japanese employers also changed his face against his wishes. This means that Bela with a beard was turned into Bela without a beard! Hilarious! Bela promises “you will pay for this, you apes!” A newspaper announces “Jap spy ring smashed” at the end. Unbelievable! With Clayton Moore, George Pembroke, Robert Frazer, Edward Peil Sr., Robert Fiske, Kenneth Harlan, Max Hoffman Jr., Frank Melton, I. Stanford Jolley, Bernard Gorcey and the familiar stock music of Heinz Roemheld. Don’t miss this slice of patriotic propaganda, Katzman style.

BLACK DYNAMITE (2008 US) D/W: SCOTT SANDERS W: MICHAEL JAI WHITE/BYRON MINNS P: JON and JENNY WIENER STEINGART Michael Jai White (SPAWN, but give him a break) stars as Black Dynamite, an ex-CIA ’nam vet vigilante out to avenge the death of his brother, get orphans off drugs, foil a plot to shrink black men’s dicks and kickass in this often very funny 70s black action movie spoof. It has all the ingredients you might expect, covering all the spoof bases with ease (they know their material), and I really appreciate the lengths taken to get the visual feel just right (including very clever use of stock footage). Minor quibble: the DOLEMITE clone Bull Horn (co-writer Minns) is too thin! Otherwise, the best blaxploitation parody since I’M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA!, and certainly an improvement on Sanders’ THICK AS THIEVES. With Salli Richardson-Whitfield (from the lousy EUREKA tv series), Tommy Davidson (BAMBOOZLED), Roger Yuan as the Fiendish Dr. Wu, Mykelti Williamson, Bookeem Woodbine, Arsenio Hall, Miguel A. Nunez Jr., Richard Edson, Brian McKnight, Mike Starr, Irwin Keyes and adult movie stars Charlotte Stokley, Erika Vution, Stacy Adams, Charmane Star and Justine Joli. There was also an animated BLACK DYNAMITE tv series.

BLACK EAGLE (1988 US) D: ERIC KARSON W: A.E. PETERS/MICHAEL GONZALES W/P: SHIMON ARAMA Sho Kosugi is a spy looking for an American laser device on an American plane that’s crashed off the coast of Malta. This “action” movie is guaranteed to put you to sleep. Jean-Claude Van Damme is second billed as a fighter working for the bad guys. With Shane and Kane Kosugi, Jan Triska, Gene Davis and Karson.

BLACK ELIMINATOR See: DEATH DIMENSION

BLACK EMANUELLE (emmanuelle’s holiday; emanuelle nera; emanuelle negra) (1975 ITL SPN) D/W: “ALBERT THOMAS” (ADALBERTO BITTO ALBERTINI) W: AMBROGIO MOLTENI P: MARIO MARIANI Laura Gemser (real name Moira Chen, a sultry darkskinned sex symbol from Java) had already been in EMMANUELLE 2 when she starred in this hit knockoff (that dropped an M to get around copyright laws). She’s a photographer who is asked to join some horny rich layabouts on their holiday in Kenya. A tribal leader rapes her during a ceremony (and it appears she may also be raped later on by a soccer team on a train). A version with brief hardcore inserts exists (don’t get excited, it’s not Gemser). Pretty boring stuff really, but it did lead to a slew of “sequels”, the most notoriously twisted (like EMANUELLE IN AMERICA) by sleazemeister “Joe D’Amato”. BLACK EMANUELLE 2 (not EMANUELLE IN BANGKOK which is also known as BLACK EMANUELLE 2) does not feature Gemser. With Karin Schubert, Angelo Infanti, Gabriele Tinti (Gemser’s real-life husband seen bonking his wife in several films) and Venantino Venantini.

BLACKENSTEIN (the black frankenstein) (1972 US) D: WILLIAM A. LEVEY W/P: FRANK R. SALETRI A black ’nam vet paraplegic is injected with dodgy D.N.A. by a white doctor (John Hart) which transforms him into a Karloff-style monster with a flat-top Afro! The doctor’s lovesick assistant is somewhat responsible. Liz Renay is a victim of the creature in this loopy, gory, hard-to-believe yet mostly dull (if truth be told) black horror in the tradition of BLACULA. The best bit is when a male nurse abuses our protagonist in his hospital bed for no good reason, only to end up dead, and the time capsule footage of dapper pimps watching a stand-up comedian in a club. The theme soul song is pretty good, too. With Don Brodie and the Kenneth Strickfaden lab equipment from FRANEKNSTEIN etc. Robert Caramico shot it. The credits run top-to-bottom like in KISS ME DEADLY. Bad movie fans won’t want to miss it, and should keep an eye out for other films from Levey. Saletri is also credited with writing something called BLACK THE RIPPER! Was this ever made?

BLACK EVIL See: GANJA AND HESS

BLACK FIST (bogard; black streetfighter; get fisk; homeboy) (1974 US) D: TIMOTHY GALEAS W: TIM KELLY P: WILLIAM LARRABURE/RICHARD KAYE Richard Lawson is a streetfighter (with a pregnant wife and mistress) who goes to work as a bareknuckle fighter for the mob. When he doesn’t lose a fight he’s supposed to and tries to quit, a car bomb meant for him kills his wife. Although I wouldn’t recommend this revenge movie (that doesn’t have the stick-it-to-the-man blaxplotation vibe one might expect), I did quite enjoy the final third (after a boring, slow-moving first hour), where everything is dark, gritty and sleazy (and the ending is pretty bleak stuff). Dabney Coleman is a corrupt cop (frozen to death in a meat-locker), Philip Michael Thomas has a duel role, and Nicolas Worth is in it briefly. Also with H.B. Haggerty and Edward James Olmos as a junkie. Larrabure (who also directed the 1978 tv movie MANEATERS ARE LOOSE!) shot it himself. Kelly also wrote SUGAR HILL.

BLACK FORCE See: AMERICAN NINJA 4

THE BLACK FRANKENSTEIN See: BLACKENSTEIN

THE BLACK GESTAPO (ghetto warriors) (1975 US) D/W: LEE FROST W/P: WES BISHOP W: RONALD K. GOLDMAN Rod Perry (from THE BLACK GODFATHER) is a general in the People’s Army in Watts. Charles Robinson is a young hot-head Colonel who sets up a security force of soldiers to protect the black community from evil white racketeers. But Robinson’s goons start to rip-off the blacks themselves. Black action disappointment has a promising concept and begins with lots of unnecessary violence (the best kind), but soon slows down and gets boring. With Frost, Bishop and Uschi Digard.

THE BLACK GODFATHER (street wars) (1974 US) D/W/P: JOHN EVANS A small time black criminal (Rod Perry) rises through the ranks of a gangster organisation and decides to do something for the community by running white dope-pushing gangsters out of town. Not bad for a low-budget production of it’s type, with some violent action. With Henry G. Sanders. Jerry Gross was the executive producer. Evans also made BLACKJACK (1978) with William Smith.

BLACK GUNN (1972 US) D/W: ROBERT HARTFORDDAVIS W: FRANKIN COEN/ROBERT SHEARER P: JOHN HEYMAN/NORMAN PRIGGEN LA black revolutionary leader robs white mobsters and ends up with a ledger containing information about pay-offs. When he’s killed his successful nightclub-owning brother (Jim Brown) teams up with some militant ex-cons and ’nam vets for revenge. Martin Landau is the main racist used car salesman/drug smuggling villain and Bruce Glover is extra slimy as a hood who lives with his mom. With Brenda Sykes, Luciana Paluzzi, Stephen McNally, Bernie Casey, Gary Conway, Timothy Brown (THE DYNAMITE BROTHERS) Jeannie Bell (from T.N.T. JACKSON) and Vida Blue. Brown was in SLAUGHTER the same year, but this one’s better and parts of the Tony Osborne soundtrack are outstanding.

BLACK GUNS See: AMERICAN BORN

BLACK HEART See: FAIT ACCOMPLI

THE BLACK HOLE (1979 US) D: GARY NELSON W: JEB ROSEBROOK/GERRY DAY/BOB BARABASH/RICHARD H. LANDAU P: RON MILLER Passable Disney space adventure has a ship (led by Robert Forster) discovering a big, lost space vessel hovering on the edge of a black hole. It’s the work of renegade scientist Maximillian Schell, who’s turned all his crew into androids and is planning to be the first to journey into the black hole. Members of Forster’s crew who try to stop the mad Schell are Yvette Mimieux, Ernest Borgnine, Joseph Bottoms and a cute robot with Roddy McDowall’s voice. But Anthony Perkins is the ambitious weak link under Schell’s spell. All the sets and FX are top-notch. With the robot voice of Slim Pickens.

THE BLACK HOUSE (kuroi ie) (1999 JPN) D: YOSHIMITSU MORITA W: SUMIO OMORI P: KAZUKO MISAWA/YASUSHI TSUGE/TSUTOMU YAMAMOTO Seiyou Uchino stars as an insurance company claims officer who investigates whether Masahiko Nashimura and Shinobu Otake are responsible for their child’s “suicide”. This stylish psycho-suspense black-comedy horror movie (from the director of 39) is pretty good with nice touches, but could have done without the formulaic 20 mins return-of-the-psycho ending. With Misato Tanaka, Kaoru Kobayashi and Reni Ishibashi. Based on Yusuke Takashi’s novel.

BLACKJACK (1996 JPN ANIMATED) D/W: OSAMU DEZAKI W: ETO MORI P: YOSHIHIRO SHIMIZU/MINORU KOTOKU/YASUO ISHIDA Blackjack is a reclusive master-surgeon who accepts only clients that can pay his enormous fees. He’s a character created by manga god Osamu Tezuka and has appeared in a 10-part video animation series and a trio of liveaction movies. This is a major animated feature utilising an original non-Tezuka storyline. Various types of superhumans are being discovered around the world. They excel in all types of careers and all walks of life, from hyperactive pianists to Olympic athletes who break world records. But these new found attributes eventually lead to complete physical breakdowns. Blackjack is called in to assist a research team trying to isolate the disease. Despite some sermonising laid on a bit thick and an unsatisfying conclusion, this is a fine, engrossing film that should illustrate to detractors the scope of Japanimation.

BLACK JACK (1997 CAN) D: JOHN WOO W: PETER LANCE P: JOHN RYAN Dolph Lundgren is a bodyguard (with a phobia of the colour white) protecting a model from assassins in this Woo movie that gets a lot of flack from Hong Kong action fans, but is actually ok for a tv movie, with some exciting, superior action scenes. It is too long, though, and some bits are real silly. With Kate Vernon, Fred Williamson, Saul Rubinek and Andrew Jackson.

BLACK JACK (1997 S.KOR) D: JI-YOUNG JEONG W: IL-SEO PARK P: RYONG-SA JEONG Corrupt cop Min-Su Choi has a tempestuous affair with a married woman (Soo-yeon Kang, whose acting is limited but pulls off sexy-vulnerable well suited to the material). The femme fatale gets him to kill her crooked ex-boxer husband. Unoriginal and predictable, but plays out ok for this kind of erotic thriller. With Hae-jin Yu.

BLACK JESUS (out of darkness; super brother; seduto alla sua destra) (1968 ITL) D/W: VALERIO ZURLINI W: FRANCO BRUSATI Woody Strode is very good in a rare starring role as Lalubi, a non-violent African peasant of foreign blood who preaches to oppressed locals about the overthrow of colonial powers (“we’re not your monkeys anymore”). A Judas-type sells him out and he’s thrown in jail and tortured. Franco Citti is a wandering lowlife thief and jack-of-all-trades who believes in him and tries to protect him. With Jean Servais (RIFIFI), Pier Paolo Capponi, Luciano Lorcas/Catenacci and Mirella Pamphili. When Sig (SUPERFLY) Shore released it in America in 1971, viewers may not have got the stick-it-to-the-man movie they expected, but if they weren’t too disappointed, were treated to a great film nonetheless.

BLACK KILLER (1971 ITL) D/W: “LUCKY MOORE”, “CHARLIE FOSTER” (CARLO CROCCOLO) P: OSKAR SANTAMIECO The dangerous, lawless town of Tombstone doesn’t have a sheriff. Anyone who attempts to hold the position ends up dead at the hands of Mexican outlaw brothers. Enter Klaus Kinski as a lawyer who keeps a revolver hidden in a thick book. He persuades a drifter to take the job (which results in his brother being killed and Native Indian sister-in-law being raped), while slowly spinning a web to cash-in on a crooked land deal. Kinski is quite good in an unusual western anti-hero role, and this cheap yet authentic-looking production isn’t bad at all. Definitely worth a look for Eurowestern aficionados. With “Dan May” (Dante Maggio), and a cameo from busy actor Croccolo (who directed another western called GUNMAN OF ONE HUNDRED CROSSES the same year).

BLACK KUNG FU See: BAMBOO GODS AND IRON MEN

BLACK LAGOON See: CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON

BLACK LIST See: NINJA TERMINATOR

BLACK LIZARD (kurotokage) (1968 JPN) D: KINJI FUKASAKU W: MASAHIGE NARUSAWA P: AKIRA ODA Edgowa Rampo’s detective character Kagero Akechi has one of his best screen outings in this very enjoyable (and very romantic) crime/mystery thriller. Akihiro Murayama is great as the Black Lizard, a glamorous, androgynous jewel thief who’s kidnapped a wealthy restaurant owner’s daughter (the ransom being a big, flawless South African diamond). Though it does feature some very 60s pop art touches, it probably won’t play as you expect. Preserved human “dolls” are important to the story. Look for famous playwright Yukio Mishima (Paul Schrader made a movie about him), who also came on-board as a consultant. With Ko Nishimura and Tetsuro Tamba. Fukasaku is most famous outside Japan for three very different films (this, the goofy THE GREEN SLIME and 1978’s MESAGE FROM SPACE), but his forte is violent action films. The most internationally famous of these would be the controversial BATTLE ROYALE, but check out his filmography for lesserknown gems. There was also an earlier version of BLACK LIZARD in 1962.

BLACK MAGIC (1973) See: BABA YAGA

BLACK MAGIC (gong tau; jiang tou) (1975 HK) D: HO MENG HUA P: RUNME SHAW Lo Lieh wants to marry a rich widow (Tanny) for her money, so goes to a wizard (Ku Feng) who puts a love spell on her. But in anticipation of Lieh’s inability to pay the fee, the spell only lasts one night and Lieh becomes a rotten skeleton via crude time-lapse photography and FX. Tanny then hires Ku Feng to place a love spell on the engaged engineer she wants (Ti Lung), as well as a death spell on his fiancée (Lily Li Li Li), who ends up with worms crawling under her skin. All of these spells involve blood, hair, breast milk, foot imprints and even burning a corpse’s face! It all ends with a magic duel between Ku Feng and a good wizard atop a building under construction. It’s not as outrageous and gory as you may have heard, but BLACK MAGIC is a very good, engaging and exciting horror fantasy. There’s no screen credit, but this was probably written by the busy I. Kuang.

BLACK MAGIC (1979) See: QUEEN OF BLACK MAGIC

BLACK MAGIC 2 (revenge of the zombies; ang wan gong tau; gau hun jiang tou) (1976 HK) D: “HORACE MENGA” (HO MENG HUA) W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW This one starts with a (fake) crocodile menacing female bathers before being sliced open by a good wizard. Lo Lieh is a bad wizard (a book on black magic seems to have a picture of him on every page!) who rips off his clients with short-lived spells before killing them. An old hag’s corpse can be turned into a beautiful young (living) woman by hammering a long nail into the top of its head! Ti Lung and Lily Li Li Li are doctors who investigate when a whole bunch of hospital patients are admitted with big, pulsating ulcers and worms under their skin. Once again it ends with a magic battle. With Tanny and Wai Wang. It’s good but I think the original has the edge. The Indonesian co-production QUEEN OF BLACK MAGIC followed. Later similar HK productions were SEEDING OF A GHOST and CENTIPEDE HORROR.

BLACK MAGIC 3 See: QUEEN OF BLACK MAGIC

BLACK MAGIC MANSION See: CTHULHU MANSION

BLACK MAGIC QUEEN See: QUEEN OF BLACK MAGIC

BLACK MAGIC TERROR See: QUEEN OF BLACK MAGIC

BLACK MAGIC WARS See: NINJA WARS

THE BLACKMAGIC WITH BUDDHA (black magic with butchery; liu moh; nao mo) (1983 HK) D: LO LIEH W: CHIU CHI-KIN P: GRACY WONG Ben (Chen Kuan-Tai) travels to Papa New Guinea and enlists a guide’s help to enter an underground tomb. They find a mummy in a sarcophagus and steal its brain. Back in Thailand, Ben keeps the pulsating, heavy-breathing squishy brain in a box and prays at its shrine for good fortune. As well as granting him wishes to marry into a rich family and succeed in business, the brain also seems to have other magic powers (making itself invisible, telekinesis etc.). If Ben doesn’t give it attention, it kills. Both a (real) dead monkey and dog have their brains missing. In a memorable FIEND WITHOUT A FACE-like scene, a character in a bath is attacked by several leech-like brains at once. Ben tries to destroy the brain, but to no avail (it slithers away). Director Lieh (a great character actor and kung fu villain extraordinaire) co-stars as a comic relief exorcist who teams up with a four-faced Buddhist statue that has come to life to battle the brain. By the end of the movie, the brain has possessed Ben to the point where his head just pops-off (gorily) and a new lumpy brain-faced head grows in its place! The final image is that of a brain flying towards the screen, at you the viewer! I really enjoyed this ropey but endearing weird rarity (Lieh’s fifth as director, he either helmed HONG KONG GODFATHER (unconfirmed) or LET US FLIRT, PARTNER next). Future Jackie Chan vehicle director Stanley Tong is the script supervisor.

BLACK MAGIC WITH BUTCHERY See: THE BLACKMAGIC WITH BUDDHA

BLACKMAIL (1929 UK) D/W: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: CHARLES BENNETT/MICHAEL POWELL (uncredited) P: JOHN MAXWELL The first feature talkie made in Britain is also one of Hitchcock’s best from this early period. Anny Ondra (a Czech actress dubbed by Joan Barry) accidentally kills a man in self-defence. Her boyfriend is a detective on the case. The protracted cat-and-mouse scenario is expertly orchestrated and milked for all of its dramatic and suspenseful potential. If parts feel like a silent movie it’s because it was filmed as such: sound was an afterthought and many scenes were reshot. With Charles Paton, John Longden and the usual Hitchcock cameo. It’s based on Bennett’s play. Note the early credit for Powell, whose classic PEEPING TOM would be shocking the world the same time as Hitchcock’s PSYCHO over thirty years later.

BLACKMAIL IS MY LIFE (blackmail is my business! call me blackmail!; kyokatsu koso waga jinsen) (1968 JPN) D: KINJI FUKASAKU W: TADAO KANAMI/NORIO NAGATA/HIROO MABUDA P: AKIRA ODA Hiroki Matsukata stars as the leader of a small time blackmailing quintet (the others are Hideo Murota, cute Tomomi Sato from GOKE and an ugly guy called Zero) in this enjoyable, fast-paced little number based on a book by Shinji Fujiwara. They get out of their league while pursuing documents at the heart of a political/big business scandal. The location work is great, as is the ending that may remind you of BLACK CAESAR (which it predates). Parts of this very colourful, good-looking movie are in b/w. With Tetsuro Tamba, Bin Amatsu, Ryohei Uchida, Shigeru Amachi and Hideki Noda. It’s ironic that Fukasaku’s two non-action genre pictures from the same year (THE GREEN SLIME and BLACK LIZARD) would become more famous, for it is with gritty action pictures like this he excelled.

BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA (women in chains) (1972 PHIL US) D/P: EDDIE ROMERO W: H.R. CHRISTIAN/ JOE VIOLA P: JOHN ASHLEY This started life as a story by Jonathan Demme and ended up as a fun exploitation movie that copies THE DEFIANT ONES (1958). Hooker Pam Grier and Margaret Markov catfight a lot as they attempt to escape a women’s prison camp handcuffed together and dressed as nuns. With Sid Haig, Vic Diaz and Eddie Garcia. The soundtrack is excellent. Grier and Markov were teamed together again for THE ARENA (1974).

BLACK MASK (hak hap; hei xia) (1996 HK) D: DANIEL LEE W/P: TSUI HARK W: JOE MA WAI-HO/TEDDY CHAN TAK-SUM/KOAN HUI ON Surviving exsoldiers from a terminated military experiment who can feel no pain have become a criminal organisation in modern-day Hong Kong. Jet Li is also a result of the same experimentation, but has a new identity (as a librarian) so he can live a peaceful life. However, he does occasionally become kung fu fighting superhero Black Mask (looking like Bruce Lee’s Kato from THE GREEN HORNET), complete with his own cool signature tune. To be honest, this could have been a lot more fun, but does feature some good fight scenes (choreographed by Yuen Woo Ping and Co.), action and some cool gadgets. With Lau Ching Wan, Karen Mok, Francoise Yip, Patrick Lung, Antony Wong (not in it enough for my liking), Moses Chan Ho and Deon Lam Dik-On. There was a sequel in 2002.

BLACK MISSION See: THE SPOOK WHO SAT BY THE DOOR

BLACK MOON RISING (black rider) (1985 US) D: HARVEY COKLISS W: JOHN CARPENTER/DESMOND NAKANO/WILLIAM GRAY/STEVE DE JARNETT P: DOUGLAS CURTIS/JOEL B. MICHAELS Tommy Lee Jones is a government agent out to retrieve a jetpowered car stolen by Robert Vaughn’s cronies (who include Linda Hamilton) in this much-hated Carpenterscripted thriller. I think Lenny Maltin’s BOMB was a bit strong, but it is true that a good cast is utterly wasted and the whole thing does pretty much fall flat on it’s face. With Richard Jaeckel, Lee Ving, Bubba Smith, William Sanderson, Keenan Wynn, NIck Cassavetes, Don Opper, Stanley De Santis and Carl Ciarfalo.

BLACK NOON (1971 US) D: BERNARD L. KOWALSKI P: ANDREW J. FENANDY A minister (Roy Thinnes) and his wife (Lynn Loring) are rescued from the desert by Ray Milland, and taken to his economically depressed village that is terrorised by black-clad gunfighter Henry Silva. Loring wants to leave, but Thinnes is seduced into staying, working miracles and gunning down Silva. One good reason is Milland’s pretty daughter (Yvette Mimieux). This occult tv movie western is ok, but very predictable. With Hank Worden, Gloria Grahame and Leif Garrett.

BLACKOUT (1988) See: THE ATTIC

THE BLACKOUT (1997 US FRA) D/W: ABEL FERRARA W: MARIA HANSON/CHRIS ZOIS P: EDWARD R. PRESSMAN/CLAYTON TOWNSEND Most of Ferrara’s films appear to be an acquired taste, and even his fans didn’t like this one. I agree it’s slow, depressing and pretentious, but I think it’s also a very well-done and emotionally devastating gem for those with patience. Actor Matthew Modine left girlfriend Annie (Beatrice Dalle) when she refused to abort their baby for him. Deciding he wants the child, he flips when he discovers she terminated it after all and plunges headlong into his world of booze and drugs. Dennis Hopper is his video artist friend who runs a club for “freaks that record our own images”. He helps Modine find a waitress (Sarah Lassez) also called Annie. Flash forward 18 months and Modine is on the wagon in Manhattan with a new girlfriend (Claudia Schiffer) and suffering from traumatic flashbacks of murder. Modine returns to Miami to figure it out. The ending is predictable, but somehow all the more powerful for it and Hopper has a standout ranting scene. With Steven Bauer, Daphne Duplaix and an obsession with video cameras akin to Hisyasu Satô’s THE BEDROOM. Ferrara also composed some of the music under his “Jimmy Laine” pseudonym, and Schooly D is on the soundtrack.

BLACKOUT (dark inferno) (2001 US) D: JAMES KEACH W: BILL WELLS P: NICHOLAS D. TABARROK Jane Seymour and her family must defend themselves from looters and psychos during a city blackout. Most of it takes place in a department store. Not too exciting. With Corin Nemec, Philip Akin, Roman Podhora and Martin Roach. Seymour and Keach were executive producers. It was filmed in Canada.

BLACKOUT: THE MOMENT OF TERROR See: GANJA AND HESS

THE BLACK PANTHER (1977 UK) D/P: IAN MERRICK W: MICHAEL ARMSTRONG Donald Sumpter is very good as Donald Nielson, the unemployed, strict disciplinarian father and husband who was also The Black Panther, a hooded post office burglar who shot and killed a number of victims during his bungled raids in the mid-70s. But he became notorious for his kidnapping of a teenage heiress for ransom, which ended in her death in a drainage inspection shaft deep underground. Unusual for a true crime movie made so soon after the events, this is factual, with a no-frills, almost docudrama style. Nielson is portrayed as a frustrated, short-tempered ex-military survivalist wannabe who craves respect. Low-key and slow-moving, but chilling and effective. With David Swift as a detective on the case. Merrick, a one-time associate of Barry Mahon (!), and who worked at Coppola’s Zoetrope, later directed SCULPTRESS (2002). Armstrong is, of course, best known for MARK OF THE DEVIL.

THE BLACK PANTHER WARRIORS (hak paau tin gwong; hei bao tian xia) (1993 HK) D: “FORD CLARENCE” (CLARENCE FOK-YIU LEUNG) W: TSANG KAN CHEONG P: ROVER (ALAN) TANG Alan Tang is the Black Panther, a master-criminal hired to retrieve some kind of secret document from a high-security police station. He enlists the help of six other criminals, each with their own expertise (including Brigitte Lin, Simon Yam, Tony Leung and Carrie Ng). It turns out to be some kind of doublecross involving old rivals and a sacred sword. There’s some good kinetic action, but most of the running time is devoted to stupid comedy that occasionally verges on the surreal, but is mostly annoying and tiresome. With Yuen Wah, Melvin Wong, Bao Fang and Yuen King Tan.

BLACK RAIN (1989 US) D: RIDLEY SCOTT W: CRAIG BOLOTIN/WARREN LEWIS P: STANLEY R. JAFFE/ SHERRY LANSING Michael Douglas and Andy Garcia are NYC cops escorting yakuza member Yatsuka Matsuda (his final role before he died of urine poisoning) back to Osaka. He escapes and they get involved in a gang war involving counterfeit money. Culture clash was more than just a plot device, so production moved from Japan to sets resembling Osaka back in Hollywood. It’s ok, but pretty uneventful, the highlight being Ken Takakura imitating Ray Charles. Takakura’s English is excellent. Kate Capshaw’s Japanese is awful. With Tomisaburo Wakayama (the LONE WOLF AND CUB series), Luis Guzman, Shigeru Koyama, John Spencer, Guts Ishimatsu, Yuya Uchida, Miyuki Ono, Richard Riehle, Stephen Root, Rikia Yasuoka, Vondie Curtis-Hall, Prof. Toru Tanaka and Jun Kunimura. BLACK RAIN was also the title of a documentary about post A-bomb Hiroshima released the same year.

THE BLACK RAVEN (1943 US) D: SAM NEWFIELD W: FRED MYTON P: SIGMUND NEUFELD Former underworld figure “The Black Raven” (George Zucco) runs an inn on the Canadian border in this b/w PRC mystery. Desperate guests who want safe passage from the US include a wanted mob figure (Noel Madison), an eloping young couple (Robert Livingston and Wanda McKay) and a bank teller-turned-thief (Byron Foulger). Characters wind up dead because of the cash that Foulger is carrying. Zucco turns out to be a nice guy while dumb stubborn local Sheriff Charles Middleton (Ming himself!) tries to arrest all innocent parties. It’s an ok remake of THE ROGUES’ TAVERN. With Glenn Strange, Robert Middlemass and I. Stanford Jolley.

BLACK RIDER See: BLACK MOON RISING

THE BLACK ROOM (1935 US) D: ROY WILLIAM NEILL W: ARTHUR STRAWN/HENRY MEYERS P: ROBERT NORTH Mostly forgotten but very good Boris Karloff vehicle has him portraying 19th century twin brothers. One is evil, kidnapping women from the local village near their castle; the other is good. The story reveals how a prophecy that the good one shall kill the evil one comes about. With Marian Marsh, Katherine DeMille, Edward Van Sloan, Thurston Hall, Torben Meyer, Henry Kolker, Colin Tapley, Egon Brecher, Robert Middlemass, John Bleifer, Sidney Bracey, Edwards Davis, John George, Grace Goodall, James Gordon, George MacQuarrie, Michael Mark, Eric Mayne, Bert Sprotte, Frederick Vogeding, Hans von Morhart and Paul Weigerl.

THE BLACK ROOM (1981 US) D: ELLY KENNER D/W: NORMAN THADDEUS VANE P: AARON C. BUTLER A sexually frustrated married man with kids rents a back room in a brother and sister’s Beverly Hills home. He takes girls he picks up there and the kinky couple watch. After the guy is done, the brother drains the girls of blood and replenishes himself with it. Things get complicated when the wife finds out and joins in the sex games. There are some nice, lurid moments and an interesting premise, but this cheap obscurity doesn’t really deliver. Look for Linnea Quigley in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it part as a babysitter and an early appearance from Christopher McDonald. Vane also directed THE HORROR STAR and wrote the LOLITA retread TWINKY.

BLACK ROSE ASCENSION (kurobara shoten) (1975 JPN) D/W: TATSUMI KUMASHIRO P: AKIRA MIURA In this darkly comic erotic parody of arty directors in the pink eiga business, “auteur” Shin Kishida pursues, and then rapes and blackmails Naomi Tani (at her shy, withering flower-in-peril best), a politician’s mistress, into being in his movie. Very talky, but with a good sense of humour, great performances and genuine (hard-edged) eroticism (not the SM typical of Tani though). Not to mention Kishida and Tani fucking on roller skates! Based on Giichi Fujimoto’s novel. With Akira Takahashi and Hatsuo Yamatani. One of Kumashiro’s minor works, but even these are usually above average.

BLACK ROSES (1987 CAN US) D: JOHN FASANO W: CINDY SORREL P: LEONARD SHAPIRO I wonder if Shapiro Glickenhaus Entertainment saw Fasano’s other heavy metal horror movie ROCK’N’ROLL NIGHTMARE before giving him more money to make this stupid crap. A heavy metal band called Black Roses start their American tour by playing a couple of dates in a small nowhere town. The (very old looking) teens are happy but the grown-ups want it stopped. The band is eventually allowed to play and it turns out the adults were right all along! The music turns the kids into skeletal monsters! When not at the gigs their behaviour is so antisocial it eventually leads to murder. At the end the band appear as dumb man-in-a-suit monsters and we find out they’re going to play Madison Square Gardens! With Julie Adams and Vincent Pastore. [Illus.]

BLACK SABBATH (I tre volti della paura) (1963 ITL FRA) D/W: MARIO BAVA W: ALBERTO BEVILA QUA/MARCELLO FONDATO P: PAOLO MERGIEN Boris Karloff introduces the three segments (inserts added for the English-language release) in this superior horror anthology with great colour photography from Bava. The Drop Of Water (based on a story by Ivan Chekhov) has a woman haunted by a fly and the sound of dripping water after stealing a ring from a dead woman’s scary-faced corpse. The middle entry The Telephone is based on a story by F. G. Snyder and is the weakest tale. Michele Mercier is terrorised by a phone stalker. With Lidia Alfonsi. The final segment is The Wurdulak by V. I. Tolstoy. Mark Damon is a count on horseback who stops at a terrified family’s house. Members of the family who leave the house at night return over five days later as undead vampires with a thirst for blood. Karloff is in this one and is especially menacing.

BLACK SABBATH (1989) See: DEMONS 5

BLACK SAMURAI (black terminator) (1977 US) D: AL ADAMSON W: B. RADICK P: BARBARA HOLDEN Jim Kelly is a secret agent kung fu fighter who drops his tennis-playing holiday in Mexico to rescue his Oriental woman, who’s been kidnapped by villains in Haiti, led by Biff Yeager and Marilyn Joi. With Felix Silla, D’Urville Martin and Aldo Ray. The trailer claims it’s based on a book (probably one of Marc Olden’s amusingly trashy Black Samurai series of books, that debuted in 1974), and another supposed location is Hong Kong (I don’t think anyone left California). John “Bud” Cardos worked on it and the dubbed-in dialogue (for flubbed lines, I guess) is painfully obvious. All things are relative, so I’ll be kind and admit it’s a better film than DEATH DIMENSION, also by Adamson and also starring Kelly. But then again, it’s not as memorable without a “freeze bomb”.

THE BLACK SCORPION (1957 US) D: EDWARD LUDWIG W: ROBERT BLEES/DAVID DUNCAN/PAUL YAWITZ P: JACK DIETZ/FRANK MELFORD Giant scorpions emerge from a volcano and terrorise people in the desert in this fun b/w monster movie. Scientists enter the volcano and discover other insectshaped creatures. Willis O’Brien and Peter Peterson provided the great stop-motion FX. Mara Corday from TARANTULA and Richard Denning star, with Fanny Schiller, Arturo Martinez, Carlos Muzquiz and Pascual Garcia Pena.

BLACK SEA RAID 2 See: SUBTERFUGE

BLACK SHAMPOO (1976 US) D/W: GREYDON CLARK W/P: ALVIN L. FAST John Daniels stars as the irresistible stud hairdresser Mr. Jonathon who seems to spend more time fucking his horny female clientele than actually doing their hair. Tanya Boyd is his new salon secretary who’s hassled by a gangster lover and his hoods. Daniels takes action against them, including acts of violence with a chainsaw and a pool cue. Minor blaxploiation entry is kind of enjoyable, but for Daniels at his best check out THE CANDY TANGERINE MAN.

BLACK SISTER’S REVENGE See: EMMA MAE

THE BLACK SLEEP (dr. cadman’s secret) (1956 US) D: REGINALD LeBORG W: JOHN C. HIGGENS/GERALD DRAYSON ADAMS P: HOWARD W. KOCH London 1872. A talented young surgeon falsely accused of murder is rescued from the gallows by Dr. Cadman (Basil Rathbone), busy trying to find a cure for his bedridden cataleptic wife. This he hopes to achieve by experimenting on the exposed brains of living subjects, probing the parts that link to motor skills with electricity. The side effect of this research is that his basement is filled with mongoloids! Poor old Bela Lugosi (in his final picture, discounting the footage that made its way into PLAN 9) is a mute butler! John Carradine, who appears with a long beard and quoting scripture, eventually leads a retard riot! Plus, we have Tor Johnson and some odd-looking bald women covered in tufts of hair! It all makes watching this old-fashioned b/w programmer worthwhile. With Akim Tamiroff as a body snatcher, Claire Carleton and executive producer Aubrey Schenck.

BLACK SNAKE (slaves) (1973 US) D/W/P: RUSS MEYER W: LEONARD NEUBAUER/ANTHONY-JAMES RYAN Meyer made this underrated political action melodrama after his brief period of major studio productions. It’s unusually toned-down sex and titswise. David Warbeck goes to a 19th century plantation in Barbados (run by horny, hateful and racist Anouska Hempel) to find out what happened to his brother and try to abolish the slavery of blacks there. Eventually a non-violent preacher man changes his ways and leads the slaves in a rousing, violent revolt (involving a machete massacre). It’s cartoonish but strangely powerful, like the disturbing image of a crucified slave left to die on a cross. You won’t believe the ridiculous happy ending. With Percy Herbert, Bob Minor and Dave Prowse. Eve Meyer and screenwriter Ryan were associate producers. SUPERVIXENS was next.

BLACK SOLDIER See: BRIDGE OF DRAGONS

BLACK STREETFIGHTER See: BLACK FIST

BLACK SUN 731 See: MAN BEHIND THE SUN (series)

BLACK SUNDAY (1960) See: THE MASK OF SATAN

BLACK SUNDAY (1977 US) D: JOHN FRANKENHEIMER W: ERNEST LEHMAN/KENNETH ROSS/IVAN MOFFAT P: ROBERT EVANS International terrorists based in Beirut are sick of the US sending arms to the Israeli Black September movement, so Marthe Keller is put in charge of sending America a New Year’s warning. Bruce Dern has never been better as a crazed, former long-time ’nam P.O.W who wants to get back at his fellow countrymen who left him to die. He plans to fire thousands of steel darts into a Super Bowl Colosseum in Miami from the Goodyear blimp! Robert Shaw is a fatigued Israeli commando who knows something is going down but has to find out where and when. It’s a long but utterly engrossing 140 mins+ with lots of great location photography, a gritty 70s ambiance and an exciting finale. It’s based on a novel by Thomas Harris, who wouldn’t be adapted again until MANHUNTER and THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. With Bekim Fehmiu, Walter Gotell, Walter Brooke and Clyde Kusatsu. The original theatrical release had brief Keller nudity, but it’s been cut out on video.

BLACK SWAN (2010 US) D: DARREN ARONOFSKY W: MARK HEYMAN/ANDRES HEINZ/JOHN McLAUGHLIN P: SCOTT FRANKLIN/MIKE MEDAVOY/ ARNOLD MESSER/BRIAN OLIVER Natalie Portman is excellent (and painfully thin) as a determined yet sheltered ballerina (living with mother Barbara Hershey) who lands the role of the Swan Queen in director Vincent Cassel’s production of Swan Lake. She can play the innocent, vulnerable White Swan with no trouble, but really has to dig deep to pull off the Black Swan. In fact, nothing less than a nightmarish, hallucinatory fragmenting of the psyche will do the trick. Borderline horror fantasy Oscar-friendly non-genre psycho-drama is a lot of fun, but I’m surprised how seriously some took it, without acknowledging how ridiculous and camp it can be (those are not criticisms, I thoroughly enjoyed it). With Mila Kunis as Portman’s perceived nemesis, Winona Ryder, John Epperson (aka drag queen Lypsinki) as a piano player and Aronofsky regular Mark Margolis in a crowd scene. Clint Mansell covers Tchaikovsky on the soundtrack (a long way from Pop Will Eat Itself). Jon Avnet was an executive producer.

BLACK TERMINATOR See: BLACK SAMURAI

BLACK TIGHT KILLERS (ore ni sawaru to abunai ze) (1966 JPN) D: YASUHARU HASEBE W: RYUZO NAKANISHI/MICHIO TSUZUKI P: KENZO ASADA Hasebe’s debut feature is a fun, colourful time capsule programmer about a gang of female ninjas in modern urban settings. The yakuza and American gangsters are their rivals in a hunt for a stash of cash smuggled into the country. When they’re not utilising throwing disc 45s and bubblegum as weapons, they can be seen twisting in skimpy outfits at a club rocking out to surf guitar. In a word, groovy! With Akemi Kita, Mieko Nishi, Bokuzen Hidari, Akira Kobayashi and lots of primary colours. Hasebe went on to help create the ALLEYCAT ROCK series, and defined the pink rape fantasy flicks of the 70s with stuff like ASSAULT! JACK THE RIPPER.

BLACKTOP (2000 US) D/W/P: T.J. SCOTT W/P: KEVIN LUND Kristin Davis has an argument with her uncommitted travelling comedian boyfriend (Lochlyn Munro) in a small truck-stop town. She hitches a lift with the nice-seeming Meat Loaf, who turns out to be a psycho from whom she must be rescued. Everything about this lousy road movie thriller feels secondhand and recycled from earlier, better films. There is really no reason to watch it. With Victoria Pratt, Blu Mankuma, C. Ernst Harth, G. Michael Gray and Bob Dawson.

BLACK VALOR See: SAVAGE!

BLACK VAMPIRE See: GANJA AND HESS

BLACK WATER (2007 AUSL) D/W/P: ANDREW TRAUCKI/DAVID NERLICH P: MICHAEL ROBERTSON A trio of tourists in Northern Australia on a fishing trip end up hiding in a tree in a swamp from a hungry saltwater crocodile. It’s “based on true events”. Despite occasional lulls, it’s not at all bad actually, and fairly suspenseful

BLACK WEREWOLF See: THE BEAST MUST DIE

THE BLACK WINDMILL (drabble) (1974 UK) D/P: DON SIEGEL W: LEIGH VANCE A criminal organisation known as “drabble” (which includes John Vernon) kidnap Michael Caine’s little boy. Caine is a spy who discovers that the kidnappers (who want a ransom of diamonds) come from within his own organisation. Nothing special, but a good little thriller from Siegel. With Donald Pleasance, Janet Suzman, Delphine Seyrig, Clive Revill, Catherine Schell, Joss Ackland, Edward Hardwicke and Russell Napier. Based on the novel Seven Days To A Killing, by Clive Egleton.

BLACK ZOMBIES See: BLACK DEMONS

BLACK ZOO (1963 US) D: ROBERT GORDON W: ABEN KANDEL W/P: HERMAN COHEN After starring in his UK productions HORRORS OF THE BLACK MUSEUM (1959) and KONGA, Cohen brought Gough (who died in 2011 at the age of 94) over to America to star in this oddity. Gough stars as a California zookeeper who’s very protective of his animals. Anyone who threatens their existence is dealt with. Jerome Cowan and Elisha Cook Jr. are thrown to a lion, and Virginia Grey is punched to death by a gorilla (George Barrows of ROBOT MONSTER fame in his KONGA suit). He plays an organ for his big cats (real panthers, lions, tigers, etc.), and mourns the death of one at his cult-like meetings of the True Believers. Jeanne Cooper is the alcoholic wife who runs a chimp theatre, and popstar Rod Lauren has little to do as a bullied mute assistant (he was in THE CRAWLING HAND the same year). With Marianna Hill, Jerry Douglas and Joseph Mell. It’s quite entertaining, but runs out of steam towards the end. It’s also quite difficult to see nowadays. Floyd Crosby was the cinematographer. Gordon also directed IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA.

BLACULA (1972 US) D: WILLIAM CRAIN W: JOAN TORRES/RAYMOND KOENIG P: JOSEPH T. NAAR William Marshall is an African ambassador in Transylvania in the 19th century prologue. A racist Count Dracula ridicules his plans to abolish the slave trade and gives him the vampire’s curse. A couple of camp art dealers take Marshall’s coffin to modern-day LA where he awakes to find the reincarnation of his lost love (cute Vonetta McGee). Thalmus Rasulala is the cop investigating mysterious deaths and Elisha Cook Jr. appears as a coroner with a hook for a hand. Enjoyable little vampire flick, with a fine score from Gene Page. With Denise Nicholas and Gordon Pinsent. SCREAM BLACULA SCREAM followed. Crain also made DR. BLACK AND MR. HYDE.

BLACULA 2 See: SCREAM BLACULA SCREAM!

THE BLADE (diy; dao) (1995 HK) D/W/P: TSUI HARK W: SO MAN SING/KOAN HUI Swordmaker Vincent Zho Wen Zhuo (from ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA 4 and 5) wants to avenge the death of his father at the hands of a heavily-tattooed blade master. His arm is cut off but he trains the other in true Jimmy Wang Yu style. Not bad period swordplay adventure from the Steven Spielberg of Hong Kong cinema, but awfully slow-moving between fight scenes (some of which are too dark to see). With Austin Wai Tin Chi, Moses Chan Ho, Jason Chu Wing-Tong, Valerie Chow and Michael Tse Tin Wah. The choreography is by Stephen Tung Wai, Yuen Bun and Meng Hoi.

BLADE (1998 US) D: STEPHEN NORRINGTON W: DAVID S. GOYER P: PETER FRANKFURT/ROBERT ENGELMAN/WESLEY SNIPES I was surprised that this expensive hit vampire/action movie based on a Marvel comic book turned out to be really entertaining. Snipes is a tough, emotionless but good semivampire who fights evil vampires with swords, guns and martial arts. Udo Kier is the head of a corporate board of traditional vampires overthrown by young upstart Stephen Dorff who wants to resurrect the powerful Blood God. N’Bushe Wright is the female co-star hematologist and Kris Kristofferson is Snipes’ sidekick who makes weapons. The numerous FX (by Greg Cannon) are really impressive, and from the opening bloodbath techno club, pretty gory for a major release. The only part I thought was silly was when Dorff used sunblock to walk around in daylight. But apart from that, solid comic book action entertainment. With Donal Logue, Shannon Lee, Stan Lee (an executive producer), Traci Lords, Tim Guinee, Sanaa Lathan, Matt Schulze, Gerald Okamura (from Andy Sidaris movies) and Norrington. Goyer also wrote DARK CITY. Sequels followed.

BLADE II (2002 US) D: GUILLERMO DEL TORO W: DAVID S. GOYER P: PETER FRANKFURT/PATRICK J. PALMER/WESLEY SNIPES Snipes returns as the half-human vampire, this time teamed with a vampire “blood pack” to hunt and destroy a new “reaper” strain of quickly multiplying vampires who feed off other vampires. These new vampires have extending inner-mouths and are much more powerful. FX-laden high tension sequel is a little too-much-over-nothing at times but remains an exciting popcorn flick that zips along at a lightning pace. With Kris Kristofferson, Donnie Yen (also the fight instructor), Luke Goss, Norman Reedus, Ron Perlman, Leonor Varela, Matt Schulze, Thomas Kretschmann and Santiago Seguro. Stan Lee was an executive producer. Unfortunately, BLADE: TRINITY (2004) followed. As did BLADE: THE SERIES (2006) on tv.

A BLADE IN THE DARK (la casa con la scala nel buio) (1982 ITL) D: LAMBERTO BAVA W: ELISA BRIGANTI/DARDANO SACCHETTI P: MINO LOY/LUCIANO MARTINO A composer moves into a deserted villa to work on a horror movie score. Some pushy women come round to to disturb him and get offed. The silly ending has a (haunted?) film used as a clue. The dialogue in the English dub is terrible. With Lara Naszinsky. Real fans of Italian exploitation/ gialli seem to be a forgiving breed, so many rate this higher than me. I thought it was only ok.

THE BLADE MASTER (ator, the invincible; ator, the blade master; cave dwellers; ator l’invincible 2) (1982 ITL) D/W: “DAVID HILLS” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) P: JOHN NEWMAN In this first sequel to a cheap but popular CONAN copy called ATOR, Miles O’Keeffe is the muscle-bound hero who must fight the evil King Zor with the help of Lisa Raines (Foster) and a guy named Thong (!). There are cannibals, invisible fighters, hang-glider action and an Abomb explosion (!?) at the end. With “Robert Black” (Nezzo Pazzafini). I’m a sucker for most musclemen fantasy movies, but this one is pretty boring. IRON WARRIOR was next in the series.

BLADE OF FURY (yat diy king shing; yi dao qing cheng) (1993 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG W: SZETO CHEUK-HON/CHARCOAL TAN P: LO WEI Epic tale of how remnants of the patriotic Black Flag cult struggled to reignite the fires of passion for defending China and getting it back on its feet. This is actually a backdrop for the more conventional, melodramatic human interest story at its centre, but there’s plenty of stylised swordplay combat to keep fight fans glued to their screens. There’s a bit too much wirework (considering that it’s a non-fantastical tale) and heavy-handed symbolism for it to rank with Hung’s finest, but still a very good movie with an epic feel to it. Ngai Sing, Ti Lung, Rosamund Kwan and Cynthia Kahn are the stars, and Sammo has a good cameo. With Lau Shun and Yip Wing Cho.

BLADE PLANET See: BLUE FLAME

BLADE RUNNER (1982 US HK) D: RIDLEY SCOTT W: HAMPTON FANCHER/DAVID PEOPLES P: MICHAEL DEELEY Harrison Ford is the bounty hunter in LA 2019 who has to track and retire replicants led by Rutger Hauer (who’s very good) who have escaped to Earth. Major cult favourite is definitely above average sci-fi thriller entertainment, but I still don’t quite get why the immense popularity. Interesting cast though: Brion James, Daryl Hannah, William Sanderson, Edward James Olmos, M. Emmet Walsh, Sean Young, James Hong, Joe Turkel, Joanna Cassidy and Leo Gorcey Jr. The set designs (including great use of the Bradbury Building) and Douglas Trumbull’s FX are still really impressive (and I reluctantly acknowledge Vangelis’ effective soundtrack, too). Depending on which version you see, Ford may or may not narrate. Fans tend to prefer the director’s cut (and now The Final Cut with some additional post-post-production tinkering) in which he doesn’t (I agree). Based on Philip K. Dick’s Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?, but so different in tone that I consider the book more of an inspiration. Incidentally, if you haven’t already done so, read everything Dick has written and enrich your life, sci-fi fan or not.

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999 US) D/W: ANIEL MYRICK/EDUARDO SANCHEZ P: GREGG HALE/ ROBIN COWIE This hit horror movie constructed as a recovered piece of videotape shows how three people making a documentary about “The Blair Witch” were killed in the woods. The incredibly successful publicity touted it as the genuine article, and (unfortunately) many teens at the time seemed to believe it. It starts off pretty scary, but soon loses it towards the end. Rumour has it that Myrick and Sanchez cobbled it together after seeing the similar (and more interesting) THE LAST BROADCAST at the Sundance Film Festival. They could also have seen CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST or GHOSTWATCH. CURSE OF THE BLAIR WITCH is a phony compilation tape of news stories concerning the filmmakers’ “disappearance”. BOOK OF SHADOWS followed.

THE BLANCHEVILLE MONSTER See: HORROR

BLAST! (1972) See: THE FINAL COMEDOWN

BLAST (1996 US) D: ALBERT PYUN W: HANNAH BLUE P: TOM KARNOWSKI/GARY SCHMOELLER It’s DIE HARD in a swimming pool. Terrorists led by Andrew Divoff (WISHMASTER) take hostages in the Atlanta Aquatic Centre (just a leisure centre) and start blowing things up. Linden Ashby is the ex-athlete taekwondo fighter janitor who has to foil the bastards and rescue his ex-wife. Rutger Hauer is the obsessive wheelchair-bound anti-terrorist agent giving advice, and Tim Thomerson is the police chief. With Norbert Weisser, Yuji Okumoto, Vincent Klyn and a prestardom Shannon Elizabeth. Not as inept as most Pyun movies, but still not worth watching.

BLASTFIGHTER (force of vengeance) (1984 ITL) D: “JOHN OLD JR.” (LAMBERTO BAVA) W: MORANDO MORANDI/DARDANO SACCHETTI P: LUCIANO MARTINO Michael Sopkiw (AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK) is an ex-cop released from jail for killing the man who murdered his wife. When he gets back to his small town in Georgia, he has to contend with redneck hunters. Crap FIRST BLOOD rip-off has nothing to make it worth the watch. With busy “George Eastman” (Luigi Montefiore), Michele Soavi and Massimo Vanni. [Illus.]

BLAST FROM THE PAST (1999 US) D/W/P: HUGH WILSON W: BILL KELLY P: RENNY HARLIN Christopher Walken is a rich anti-Communist inventor living in suburban LA, 1962. He and his pregnant wife (Sissy Spacek) retreat to a nuclear shelter he builds after a plane crash-lands in their garden during the Cuban missile crisis. They give birth to a boy who grows up to be Brendan Fraser and he goes topside when he’s 35. This fish-out-of-water romantic comedy (Fraser falls in love with Alicia Silverstone) is actually pretty funny and enjoyable and doesn’t push its how times-have-changed message too much. Walken is great as a cheerful old man. With Dave Foley, Joey Slotnick, Scott Thomson, Rex Linn, Wilson, Harrison Young and Jennifer Lewis. I’ve not seen Paul Bartel’s earlier SHELF LIFE (1993), but it sounds very similar.

BLAST-OFF GIRLS (1967 US) D/W/P: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS Real-life garage band The Faded Blue play themselves as the band The Big Blast. A crooked manager called Boojie Baker (who has Ray Sager for an assistant) gets hold of them and uses women and drugs to keep them, despite the fact that he’s pocketing all the profits. He also gets them studio time through the same sleazy means. The band have had enough after being blackmailed and threatened with prison, so dedicate Go ––– Yourself, My Friend to Boojie while recording a tv show. Essential viewing for Lewis fans, it’s worth it for the appearance by Colonel Sanders! He gives the band fried chicken for playing in front of some dancing kids. H.G. was busy at the time, this being one of seven movies he made in ‘67. Louise Downe (aka Vicky Miles) was assistant director. “You’ve seen the picture… now, have a blast”.

BLAST OF SILENCE (1961 US) D/W: ALLEN BARON P: MERRILL BRODY Baron himself is Frankie Bono, a hitman from Cleveland who arrives in New York City at Christmas time for a job. He visits a fat, sleazy gun dealer (Larry Tucker, also in SHOCK CORRIDOR, and co-writer of the 1970 movie ALEX IN WONDERLAND). Things start to go wrong after he bumps into childhood friends from the orphanage where he grew up. It ends on Long Island during a (real) storm. Lionel Stander provides narration (written by Mel Davenport) that curiously serves as Bono’s innervoice, telling us when he’s nervous, relaxed, angry or whatever. Producer Brody shot this cheap b/w oddity (with great location work) that doesn’t really benefit from the (overzealous) cult classic label. It’s a film to stumble across accidentally rather than eagerly anticipate. Dean Shelton sings a beatnik number with bongos at a Greenwich Village jazz club. Baron mostly worked in tv.

BLAZING MAGNUM (big magnum 77; .44 special; shadows in an empty room; tough tony saitta; una magnum special per tony saitta) (1977 ITL CAN FRA PAN) D: “MARTIN HERBERT” (ALBERTO DE MARTINO) W: VINCENT MANN/FRANK CLARK P: EDMONDO AMATI Stuart Whitman is a cop whose kid sister is poisoned in Montreal, so he beats up suspects and wrongly accuses doctor Martin Landau in his hunt for the killer. John Saxon is a partner and Tisa Farrow is a blind woman. So-so thriller features a dwarf informant and a decent car chase. With Peter MacNeill and Dave Nichols.

THE BLAZING NINJA (1977 HK) D: GODFREY HO P: RICHARD AHN It’s the Chinese resistance vs “Japs” (“you ninja bastards!”) in this terrible kung fu quickie from Ho. Trouble is that it’s a modern-day production, not period, so I’m wondering which occupation they’re on about? Philip Cheung gets to don a yellow Bruce Lee jumpsuit, and some of the SHAFT soundtrack is nicked. Oh, and Bolo Yeung makes a brief appearance. With Eagle Han.

BLAZING STEWARDESSES (cathouse callgirls; cathouse cowgirls) (1975 US) D: AL ADAMSON W/P: SAM M. SHERMAN W: JOHN R. D’AMATO Connie Hoffman, dumb Regina Carroll and Marilyn Joi (as “T.A. King”) from Adamson’s NAUGHTY STEWARDESSES (1975) go to a dude ranch for a working vacation to try to rustle up customers for a casino that’s about to open. But Robert Livingston’s delivery of gambling equipment is hijacked by hooded villains on horseback. Could it be Don “Red” Barry’s doing? The other main ageing guest star is Yvonne De Carlo as a brothel madame. The plot goes out the window of course, and seeing as there’s not much sex or nudity on display (apart from an inflatable doll) then this is only for Adamson connoisseurs (a truly masochistic breed). They will be rewarded with unbelievably unfunny comic relief scenes featuring Jimmy and Harry Ritz (of the formerly popular Ritz Bros threesome). Their torturous routine includes the worst comedy dance number you’ll ever see. Sherman has a small role.

THE BLAZING TEMPLE (feng shiu siu lam chi; huo shao shaolin si) (1976 HK) D/W/P: “JOSEPH POON” (JOSEPH KUO) W: M.LU. CHU/P.S. CHIANG This martial arts saga begins with Judy Lee attempting to assassinate a tyrannical Qing Emperor who wants to kill her family. Then the story switches to the plight of surviving Shaolin monks after their temple is destroyed by Manchu cannons. O Yau Man helps Carter Wong escape if he promises to learn Buddha’s 18 lessons for the next generation of Shaolin. The monks remain on the run while repeatedly attempting to assassinate the Emperor. This is a good film with an epic feel, but don’t expect it to open up a can of whoop-ass (choreography by Chan Siu Pang) until late in the day. Judy Lee returns for the great ending. With Chang Yi, Wong Fei Lung, Barry Chan, Kam Kong, Yee Yuen, Lau Lap Choi, Liu Ping and Ga Hoi.

BLEEDERS See: HEMOGLOBIN

THE BLEEDING (apocalypse of the dead) (2009 US) D: CHARLIE PICERNI W: LANCE LANE P: MICHAEL MATTHIAS/MICHAEL TADROSS JR./JOE DI MAIO/ GORDON BIJELONIC If you could cast anyone as the king of the vampires, would you choose Vinnie Jones? That’s just one of the problems plaguing this laughable horror-action outing shot in Wilmington, North Carolina. But the main problem is our leading man, one Michael Matthias (also a producer, tellingly). Matthias has exactly one facial expression, whether sad, angry, happy, trying to be funny or banging on about his Shelby Super Snake racing car (it’s mentioned a lot). He also narrates in a dull monotone (for some reason, one Brendan Kelly gets a special credit for writing this insipid monologue). Anyway, Matthias has to kill Cain (Jones), an evil resurrection of his dead soldier brother who died on manoeuvres in Afghanistan. He’s aided by Michael Madsen as a machine-gun-toting priest. It ends with a shoot out at an old factory-turned-nightclub filled with vampires (inspired by BLADE, I guess), and an extended car-chase (director Picerni has been a stuntman since the early 60s!). Competing with Matthias and Jones (whose southern accent is forever slipping) for the worst actor on-screen is rapper DMX (who doesn’t last long). With Armand Assante and William McNamara.

BLESSED (evangelista) (2004 ROM UK) D: SIMON FELLOWS W: ROBERT MEARNS/JAYSON ROTHWELL P: DONALD KUSHNER/RON SCHMIDT/PIERRE SPENGLER/ ANDREW STEVENS/BRAD WYMAN Novelist James Purefoy and his wife Heather Graham move from the city to an upstate rural community, so she can have a baby via a clinic’s pioneering insemination process. David Hemmings (the film is dedicated to him) offers him a publishing contract, and is also involved with cloning operations at the clinic. What exactly this has to do with a supposedly demonic set of twins inside Graham is never explained, so this admittedly slick and engaging thriller ends up somewhere quite silly (odd surprise ending), and you’re not really sure why. I can’t say I hated watching it, but I wouldn’t recommend investing your time either. Fionnula Flanagan is particularly annoying, with Michael J. Reynolds, William Hootkins, Andy Serkis as an avenger for God, and Stella Stevens. The unremarkable score is by Stephen Jones aka Baby Bird and Death Of The Neighbourhood.

BLESS THE CHILD (die prophezeiung) (2000 US GER) D: CHUCK RUSSELL W: THOMAS RICKMAN/ CLIFFORD GREEN/ELLEN GREEN P: MACE NEUFELD When her drug addict sister runs away, Kim Basinger is suddenly left with a child to raise. At age 6, the girl (played by Holliston Coleman) develops special (holy?) powers. Rufus Sewell (DARK CITY) is good as an anti-Christian cult leader who wants the little girl to join him (and has lesser children killed). Based on a novel by Cathy Cash Spellman, this is a decent, well made supernatural thriller for the most part but is let-down by a so-what ending that runs out of steam. With Jimmy Smits, Ian Holm, Christina Ricci, Lumi Cavazos, Eugene Lipinski, Elisabeth Rosen, Gary Hudson, Marcia Bennett, Peter Mensah, David Sparrow, Michael Copeman, Tony Meyler, Roman Podhora, Arnold Pinnock, Leeza Gibbons, Dan Duran, Sandi Stahlbrand and Mila Lee.

BLIND ALLEY See: PERFECT STRANGERS

BLIND BEAST (warehouse; moju) (1969 JPN) D: YASUZO MASUMURA W: YOSHIO SHIRASUKA P: KAZUMUSA NAKANO/MASAICHI NAGATA A shapely, sexy model (Mako Midori) narrates the story of how a blind amateur sculptor (Eiji Funakoshi) chloroformed and kidnapped her (while posing as a masseur) and held her captive in a large warehouse decorated with his sculptures of eyes, ears and mouths and bodyparts (the sets are amazing). Noriko Sengoku is the ageing, possessive mother who helps him keep her there. This outstanding and ahead-of-its-time Edogawa Rampo adaptation is a descent into erotic madness that I won’t spoil by explaining in too much detail. But see it at all costs.

THE BLIND DEAD See: TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD

THE BLIND DEAD 3 See: HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES

THE BLIND DEAD 4 See: NIGHT OF THE SEAGULLS

BLIND FIST OF BRUCE (mang quan gui shou) (1979 HK) D: GAM BO W: YEUNG WAI P: LUK SIU YEN Bruce Li is a bank manager (!) who has to learn kung fu from blind busker Yuen Siu-Tien so he can run some gangsters out of town. So-so, with Kong Do, Meg Lam Kin Ming, Ho Pak Kwong, Wong Biu Chan, Chan Lau and Tong Yim Chaan. Fight choreography by Lui Hor Ming. The director also made the much better FIVE FIGHTERS FROM SHAOLIN.

BLINDFOLD: ACTS OF OBSESSION (1993 US) D/W: LAWRENCE L. SIMEONE P: RONNIE HADAR This is pretty lame even by erotic thriller standards but got a lot of attention because Beverly Hills 90210 tabloid scandal favourite Shannen Doherty shows skin. The plot involves the typical SM mind games (here with her shrink, Judd Nelson). With Robert Miano, Al Sapienza and David “Shark” Fralick.

BLIND FURY (1989 US) D: PHILIP NOYCE W: CHARLES ROBERT CARNER P: DANIEL GRODNICK/ TIM MATHESON Honourable but unsuccessful attempt to update the ZATOICHI formula stars Rutger Hauer as a blind ’nam vet swordsman protecting a dead buddy’s (annoying) little kid from gangsters. Hauer’s fun as is the supporting cast, but it never becomes anything more than just a gimmick movie. With Sho Kosugi, Meg Foster, Lisa Blount, Terry O’Quinn, Nick Cassavetes, Randall “Tex” Cobb, Noble Willingham, Blue Deckert and future director David R. Ellis. It was filmed in America and Australia by the director of DEAD CALM.

THE BLIND MENACE See: SHIRANUI KENGYO

BLIND MOUNTAIN (road home; mang shan) (2007 CHN) D/W/P: LI YANG The clear-eyed talent behind the remarkable BLIND SHAFT returns with this even more impressive peek at a rural China trapped between modernity and its ethics of commerce, traditions and beliefs that most of the developed world had assumed to be long dead. Set in the early 90s in Northern China, a young unemployed female college graduate (Huang Lu) finds herself sold to a farmer’s son in a remote, poor mountain community. There’s no dramatics, stylistic embellishments or clichéd signifiers (and almost no music), just a girl up shit creek with no paddle. Her escape attempts are effortlessly suspenseful and thrilling. So if you have problems with reading any sociopolitical subtext, just take it as a refreshing spin on exploitation movie standards. Either way, it’s a modern classic. Some of the events are so top-heavy tragic that I found myself laughing in disbelief, but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe. Lin Jong was the cinematographer. Apparently the domestic Chinese dvd has a very different ending, and was cut to placate the censors. Li Yang has balls, and I look forward to more from him.

BLIND RAGE (1976 PHIL) D/W: EFREN C. PINION W/P: JERRY O. TIRAZONA W: LEO FONG/LEONARDO VELASCO UY Some guys decide to hire five blind guys (including Fong and a lecherous D’Urville Martin) to rob a bank in Manila. I’m still not sure why. A woman trains them how to pull it off and they successfully steal $15m. After some police investigation, LA detective Fred Williamson turns up at the end to have a fist-fight with the main bad guy on a rooftop near the International House of Pancakes. Stock footage of Tokyo and Hong Kong tries to convince us that they shot on location there. Also look for the bit where the dubbing voice matches the wrong person’s mouth. Perfect for drunken late-night viewing. From the director of THE KILLING OF SATAN.

BLIND RAGE (1984) See: THE BOYS NEXT DOOR

BLIND SHAFT (mang jing; blinder schacht) (2003 CHN HK GER) D/W/P: LI YANG This award-winning documentary-style (there’s no music) mainland drama concerns a couple of ruthless scam artists who earn money from ripping-off coal mines in a particularly heartless manner (I don’t want to spoil it by going into detail). The location work and streetlevel script are excellent, and supply an eye-opening shot of a modern-day communist country. Low-key, but very memorable and utterly fascinating. Highly recommended. See also BLIND MOUNTAIN.

THE BLIND SWORDSMAN AND THE CHESS EXPERT (showdown for zatoichi; zatoichi and the chess expert; zatoichi’s trip to hell; zatoichi jigoku tabi) (1965 JN) D: KENJI MISUMI W: DAISUKE ITO Blind masseur Shintaro Katsu befriends a chessplaying Samurai (Mikio Narita) in yet another great entry in the series. With Kaneko Iwasaki, Natsu Endo, Rokko Toura, Fujio Suga, Saburo Date and Takuya Fujioka. THE BLIND SWORDSMAN’S VENGEANCE was next.

THE BLIND SWORDSMAN AND THE DRUMS See: SAMARITAN ZATOICHI

THE BLIND SWORDSMAN AND THE FUGITIVES See: ZATOICHI AND THE FUGITIVES

THE BLIND SWORDSMAN MEETS HIS EQUAL See: ZATOICHI MEETS THE ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN

THE BLIND SWORDSMAN SAMARITAN See: SAMARITAN ZATOICHI

THE BLIND SWORDSMAN’S CANE SWORD See: ZATOICHI’S CANE SWORD

THE BLIND SWORDSMAN’S CONSPIRACY See: THE NEW ZATOICHI STORY: BLOODBATH AT KASAMA

THE BLIND SWORDSMAN’S PILGRIMAGE See: ZATOICHI’S PILGRIMAGE

THE BLIND SWORDSMAN’S RESCUE See: ZATOICHI THE OUTLAW

THE BLIND SWORDSMAN’S REVENGE (zatoichi nidan giri) (1965 JPN) D: AKIRA INOUE W: MINORU INUZUKA Shintaro Katsu as the blind masseur Zatoichi returns to his roots to find his massage instructor has been killed and the daughter (Mikiko Tsubouchi) sold into prostitution. Fairly average entry in the series, but that still means it’s of a very high quality. With Norihei Miki, Takeshi Kato, Masami Makino, Saburo Date, Sonosuke Sawamura and Yuusuke Terashima. The little singing girl (Sachiko Kobayashi) was later very famous. Next was ZATOICHI AND THE DOOMED MEN.

THE BLIND SWORDSMAN’S VENGEANCE (zatoichi’s vengeance; zatoichi no uta ga kikoeru) (1966 JPN) D: TOKUZO TANAKA W: HAJIME TAKAIWA Shintaro Katsu return as the blind masseur Zatoichi. He rids a town of yakuza and befriends a kindly prostitute (Meyumi Ogawa). I’m a Zatoichi fan so naturally enjoyed it’s stylish sword duels and heavy chambara melodrama, but if you couldn’t care less about the character then you won’t find anything new here to change your mind. A good first film for the uninitiated, too. With Kei Sato, Jun Hamamura, Shigeru Amachi, Mitsuko Yoshikawa, Kazunari Doi, Hajime Kimura and Saburo Date. Followed by ZATOICHI’S PILGRIMAGE.

BLIND SWORDSMAN ZATOICHI AND THE CHEST OF GOLD See: MASSEUR ICHI AND A CHEST OF GOLD

BLIND SWORDSMAN ZATOICHI: FIGHTING JOURNEY See: ZATOICHI ON THE ROAD

THE BLIND WARRIOR (si buta dari gua hantu: neraka perut bumi) (1985 IND) D: RATNO TIMOER W: IMAN BASUHI/ANAS FAMORA/PIET BURNAMA P: GOPE T. SAMTANI The character of Barda Mandrawata, a blind wandering swordsman with a pet chimp first appeared (courtesy of creator Ganes Th) in comic book form in the late-60s. Director Timoer first played the character in 1970’s SI BUTA DARI GUA HANTU. The Blind Warrior returned in the following year’s TUAN TANAH KEDAWUNG, and was a villain in 1983’s THE WARRIOR AND THE BLIND SWORDSMAN. Timoer returned to the role in this pretty wild martial arts fantasy. The villain is an oppressive ruler (Advent Bungan) who has peasants work in a stolen gold mine, and uses religious ceremonies as an excuse to fuck unwilling young women (one sex scene takes place in a cave full of coloured bean bag balls). The Blind Warrior uses his sword, can fly and makes lots of things explode. There’s also gore and beheadings. Entertaining stuff. Timoer had directed fellow superstar Barry Prima in the previous year’s THE DEVIL’S SWORD.

BLINK (1994 US) D: MICHAEL APTED W: DANA STEVENS P: DAVID BLOCKER Almost blind Madeline Stowe witnesses a murder and is stalked by the killers in this slick but lacklustre thriller. Aidan Quinn tries to protect her. You’d be better off watching WAIT UNTIL DARK (a film it copies, along with THE EYES OF LAURA MARS). With Laurie Metcalf and James Remar. The British Apted made the excellent Up series of documentaries.

BLITHE SPIRIT (1945 UK) D/W: DAVID LEAN W: ANTHONY HAVELOCK-ALLAN/RONALD NEAME W/P: NOEL COWARD Rex Harrison’s dead wife (Kay Hammond) comes back to haunt him and his new wife (Constance Cummings) in this very likeable and fun classic comedy (in colour) based on Noel Coward’s play. Co-writer Neame was also the photographer, and Tom Howard’s FX won an Oscar. With Margaret Rutherford. There were three official remakes.

BLITZ (2010 UK FRA US) D: ELLIOTT LESTER W: NATHAN PARKER P: STEVE CHASMAN/ZYGI KAMASA/ DONALD KUSHNER/BRAD WYMAN Jason Statham is a tough (“do I look like I carry a pencil!”), burnt-out, alcoholic non-PC South London police sargent, not averse to a bit of police brutality. He has an amusing buddy-buddy relationship with “poofter” Inspector Paddy Considine, while tracking a demented cop-killer (Aidan Gillen, engagingly foul). Somewhat unoriginal but passably nasty’n’fun bit of modern Brit knee-jerk exploitation (i.e. HARRY BROWN), after Ken Bruen’s novel (part of the Brant series). Coming after his THE MECHANIC remake, Statham seems on a Charles Bronson-like jag, this ripping-off 10 TO MIDNIGHT (1983) in particular. With David Morrissey in an extended cameo as an arsehole opportunist tabloid journalist, Zawe Ashton as a junkie cop, Ned Dennehy in his shellsuit, Mark Rylance, Luke Evans, Joe Dempsie (from second gen Skins), Rupert Holliday-Evans (Harry Enfield’s Double-Take Brother) as a funeral director and Chris Wilson. Parker also wrote the very different MOON (2008).

BLIZZARD See: DEATH RUN

THE BLOB (1958 US) D: IRVIN S. YEAWORTH W: KAY LINAKER/THEODORE SIMONSON/IRVING H. MILLGATE P: JACK H. HARRIS Many people seem to have fond memories of this campy sci-fi (complete with Burt Bacharach theme tune) about a blobby substance that comes to Earth in a meteorite and grows and grows as it absorbs people in a small American town. But I know I’m not the only one who finds it irritating and nowhere near as endearing as we are constantly told it is. Steve McQueen is the teen hero. With Olin Howlin and Alden “Stephen” Chase. The concept (which is a good one) was handled better in the 30 years later sequel/remake. But before that, there was a sequel SON OF BLOB! See also CALTIKI.

THE BLOB (1988 US) D/W: CHUCK RUSSELL W: FRANK DARABONT P: JACK H. HARRIS/ELLIOTT KASTNER If you’re like me and found the original BLOB movies more annoying than endearing, then you should love this great remake. Kevin Dillon is the teen rebel hero and Shawnee Smith is the cheerleader heroine. The blob (an excellent FX creation) sucks one guy down a plughole, bursts out of Erika Eleniak’s chest and turns out to be from Earth (a government conspiracy). They played it straight rather than camping it up, which is good. With Donovan Leitch, Del Close, Candy Clark, Jack Nance, Jeffrey De Munn and Art La Fleur.

BLONDE IN BONDAGE (nothing but blondes; narkotika; blondin I fara) (1957 SWE) D: ROBERT BRANDT W: PETER BOURNE P: TOM YOUNGER American reporter Mark Miller flies to Stockholm, Sweden. Because of a car accident he is introduced to risqué club dancer Anita Thallaug and her manager, who has her strung out on pills. Miller tries to help her out and helps bust a drug ring. Meanwhile every woman he meets comes on to him. Thallaug does a song and dance number (several times) in a corset and stockings. This unrelentingly boring b/w obscurity was shot in English, and based on a story by Borje Nyberg. With Erik Strandmark, Stig Jarrel, Borje Mellvig, Peter Linderen and Ernst Von Klipstein. The director was married to Janet Leigh, which makes him Jamie Lee Curtis’ stepfather.

BLONDE ON A BUM TRIP (1967 US) D: “RALPH” (RAF) MAURO P: JACK BRAVMAN/ED ADLUM A chemistry student on a “bum trip” and her socalled friends, a guy called T.J. and some other girls, are interrogated by a cop in hospital after an LSD party ends with a fatal stabbing. Between the short hospital scenes (which include inserts of a scary, accusing nurse’s face) there are related flashbacks. The threadbare plot concerning the cruel deception of the chemistry student to provide LSD for the party (served in sugarcubes) is secondary to the great time capsule filler moments (such as the band The Bit’a Sweet seen miming to their record at a discotheque), and some surprisingly simple yet effective trip sequences (utilising mirror distortions in a way I’d not seen before). The great, catchy theme tune Put The Clock Back On The Wall (by The E-Types) is heard over and over, even during some genuinely surprising semi-sex scenes (one involves two girls chucking a guy out of bed before donning a Nixon mask) that gave me the feeling that this was made by (kind of) hipper-than-usual filmmakers, a different breed from the cynical producers and distributors who usually corralled young talent back in the day. The dubbing is awful and disorientating, which is kind of a plus, and the ending is just fantastic in the most simple way. In b/w. Director Mauro also made something called GIRLS IN THE SADDLE (1969). Bravman directed ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE (!) and Adlum helmed INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS.

BLONDE PICKUP See: RACKET GIRLS

BLOOD (parasite 2000) (1999 UK) D/W: CHARLY CANTOR P: SIMON MARKHAM A scientist rescues a 20-year-old woman who’s been locked in a basement since she was a kid, her special blood being drained to satisfy the cravings of blood addicts. Soon he and she are driving out his family with a love affair and vampiric addiction. There’s some interesting ideas in this long (almost two hours), stylish sci-fi/horror, but the emphasis is on talk and drama. It gets pretty slow and pretentious. I guess THE ADDICTION was the main influence.

BLOOD AND BLACK LACE (l’atelier de la peur; bluteige seide; sei doone per l’assassino) (1964 ITL FRA W.GER MON) D/W: MARIO BAVA W: MARCELLO FONDATO/GIUSEPPE BARILLA P: MASSIMO PATIZI/ALFRED MIRIBEL Cameron Mitchell and Eva Bartok’s fashion models are being killed off by someone in a very cool-looking mask with a metal glove with claws (also cool). I’m in the middle with this one. I love Bava and think he’s unfairly neglected by major critics, however this admittedly good, stylish and imaginative ahead-of-its-time slasher pic is lacking something substantial to rank among his finest. Well worth a look, though. With Franco Ressel, Luciano Pigozzi and Goffredo Unger.

BLOOD AND BULLETS See: MISTER SCARFACE

BLOOD AND CONCRETE: A LOVE STORY (1991 US) D/W: JEFFREY REINER W/P: RICHARD LA BRIE Billy Zane is a car thief who moves in with suicidal singer Jennifer Beals. A gay opera-loving gangster thinks Zane has stolen his supply of libido pills (the new sex drug on the street). Darren McGavin is a useless old cop and James Le Gros is annoying as usual. Reiner and LaBrie also edited this ok comedy thriller with some good funny bits. But it’s not as cool as it would like to think it is. With Harry Shearer and Mark Pellegrino. Miles Copeland III was an executive producer (there’s lots of jazz on the soundtrack).

BLOOD AND DONUTS (1995 CAN) D: HOLLY DALE W: ANDREW RAI BERZINS P: STEVE HOBAN Gordon Currie is a long, shaggy-haired vampire who awakes from a 25-year slumber and becomes a bodyguard of sorts for a late-night doughnut shop and a taxi driver (Justin Louis) hassled by local hoods. I guess it’s supposed to be a quirky vampire comedydrama but it gets pretty tedious. David Cronenberg has a useless cameo. With J. Winston Carroll.

BLOOD AND GRIT See: DAYS OF WRATH

BLOOD AND LACE (1971 US) D: PHILIP GILBERT W/P: GIL LASKY P: ED CARLIN A teenage girl suffering from recurring nightmares of the time her hooker mother was beaten to death with a hammer (and the house burnt down) ends up at an orphanage run by “strict” Gloria Grahame. Grahame and lush caretaker Len Lesser care less about the kids than the government cheques they bring in, so the kids are overworked, underfed and occasionally killed when they try to run away (one has his hand removed with a meat cleaver). The bodies are kept in a meat-locker in the basement. Cop Vic Tayback seems to be slowly investigating. It’s true that this (not very graphic, but marginally sleazy) horror got a GP (that’s equivalent to PG today) rating when it was new, and that is fairly surprising, but in parts of the world where that doesn’t matter (like here in Japan), viewers can sidestep that interesting fact and are left with just the movie. Which is not really very good. It is slow and is saddled with a daft surprise ending. Not really worth the reputation. With Milton Selzer and young Dennis Christopher (who you’ll be thinking has to be Roddy McDowall’s son). The producers also made THE NIGHT GOD SCREAMED (1971) and THE MANHANDLERS.

BLOOD ANGEL See: I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE (1978)

BLOOD BABY See: FIVE FINGERS OF STEEL

BLOODBATH (1971) See: A BAY OF BLOOD

BLOODBATH AT THE HOUSE OF DEATH (1983 UK) D/W/P: RAY CAMERON W: BARRY CRYER P: JOHN DOWNES DJ-turned-tv comedian Kenny Everett (who I thought was funny when I was a kid) heads the cast of paranormal researchers at a big old manor house in the country where 16 people were slaughtered in various ways years ago. Everett has a metal leg and lets his German accent slip, Pamela Stephenson has a lisp and can be seen topless during a rape scene with an invisible man. Gareth Hunt and Don Warrington are gay and Cleo Rocos does her usual bimbo thing she did on tv with Everett. Vincent Price leads a bunch of Devil worshippers and Graham Stark is blind. Those familiar with Everett will know what to expect: very silly, childish comedy mixed with light bad taste gore. Cryer and Cameron appear briefly as cops. [Illus.]

BLOODBATH AT 1313 See: FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE

BLOODBATH OF DR. JEKYLL See: DR. JEKYLL AND HIS WOMEN

BLOOD BEACH (1981 US) D/W: JEFFREY BLOOM W/P: STEVEN NALEVANSKY Odd sci-fi horror stars John Saxon as a cop investigating disappearances at the beach. A briefly seen alien that looks like a flower sucks people down through the sand. This interesting idea is pretty much wasted, unfortunately. With Burt Young (excellent at being an arsehole, and the best thing about the movie), Mariana Hill, David Huffman, Reed Morgan and Ian Abercrombie. It’s from the Jerry Gross Organization.

BLOOD BEAST OF MONSTER MOUNTAIN (monster mountain; mcculloughs’s mountain) (1965/76 US) D/W: MASSEY CRAMER/DONN DAVISON W: BOB CORLEY W/P: DON HADLEY THE LEGEND OF BLOOD MOUNTAIN (aka DEMON HUNTER, I think) was a goofy 1965 picture about a polite, likeable comic relief reporter called Bestoink Dooley (George Ellis) investigating the claims of monster sightings in Georgia, after a stone mountain is said to have begun “bleeding”. Dooley gets to attack the beast with a flame-thrower at the end. In the 70s, filmmaker, roadshow legend and Dragon Art (porno) Theatre manager Davison cut in new footage of himself as the host (he calls himself a “world traveller, lecturer and psychic investigator”) interviewing “locals” about the fictional events of over a decade earlier! This version runs 76 mins, so parts of the original were probably cut out. I doubt that either version is really worth your time, but at least the original seemed to have a certain Southern independent charm about it.

THE BLOOD BEAST TERROR (the vampire beast craves blood) (1967 UK) D: VERNON SEWELL W: PETER BRYAN P: ARNOLD L. MILLER Something is killing and draining victims of their blood in 19th century England. Inspector Peter Cushing suspects entomologist Robert Flemyng, who fled to the countryside with his daughter (Wanda Ventham) on a trail of bodies. Cushing puts his daughter (Vanessa Howard) in danger as he pursues them incognito. This horror movie is so uneventful and unstimulating that I shall spoil the (silly) surprise and save you the time. Ventham is a moth (!) that drinks blood and Flemyng is creating a mate in a cocoon for her. She’s seen briefly as a not-at-all-scary man-in-a-suit monster, and is killed by being attracted towards a small fire in the pathetic anticlimactic ending. At the very beginning, a hunter in safari gear with two black “natives” floating down a river in a canoe past idyllic English countryside is supposed to evoke deepest, darkest Africa! With Roy Hudd as a comic relief morgue attendant, Russell Napier, Kenneth Colley and Roy Evans. Cushing’s role was supposed to go to Basil Rathbone, but he died before filming commenced. Sewell also made CURSE OF THE CRIMSON ALTAR for executive producer Tony Tenser’s Tigon around the same time. His final film was 1972’s BURKE AND HARE (he died in 2001).

BLOODBEAT (1982 US FRA) D: FABRICE-AGNE ZAPHIRATOS P: HELEN BOLEY/HENRI ZAPHIRATOS In this bizarre low-key obscurity, a deer hunter’s wife is possessed by the spirit of a samurai warrior in the woods. It features lots of cheap but effective FX and is almost hypnotic. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I really liked this and the few other people I know who saw it liked it too.

BLOOD BRIDE See: THE BRIDES OF BLOOD

BLOOD BRIDES See: HATCHET FOR A HONEYMOON

THE BLOOD BROTHERS (chi ma; ci ma; dynasty of blood; kung fu invaders; chinese vengeance) (1973 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW David Chiang, Ti Lung and Chen Kuan Tai are the titular brothers whose loyalty and friendship is tested over the years in this long, involved historical drama. Good for its type but very little fighting to recommend to fans of Cheh’s later hypermacho action-packed Shaw Bros releases. With Cheng Lee, Tin Ching, Cheng Miu, Cheng Sam, Cheng Lui, Wong Chi Ho, Yeung Chak Lam, Wong Kwong Yue, Fan Mei Sheng, Cheng Hong Yip and Kong Do. The fight choreography is by Tang Chia and Liu Chia Liang, and you’d be better off with MEN FROM THE MONASTERY for a more balanced mix of their impressive work and melodrama.

BLOOD BROTHERS (1974) See: HEROES TWO

BLOOD CASTLE (1973) See: CEREMONIA SANGRIENTA

BLOOD CHILD See: FIVE FINGERS OF STEEL

BLOOD CITY See: WELCOME TO BLOOD CITY

BLOOD COUPLE See: GANJA AND HESS

THE BLOOD CREATURE (terror is a man) (1958 PHIL) D: GERARD DE LEON W: HARRY PAUL HARBER P: KANE W. LYNN/EDDIE ROMERO This b/w horror was the first of several Filipino Island Of Dr. Moreau retreads from Romero. The sole survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a small island where Francis Lederer has created a leopard-man combo beast (in bandages) that escapes at night to kill locals. Greta Thyssen (Miss Denmark 1962) is his fed-up wife/assistant. Upon its initial release in the US, a warning bell gimmick was utilised. But rest assured, this is mostly all-talk and no hidden gem of the monster movie genre.

BLOOD CREEK (town creek; experiment occult) (2008 US) D/W: JOEL SCHUMACHER W: DAVID KAJGANICH P: PAUL BROOKS/TOM LASSALLY/ROBYN MEISINGER In the b/w intro set in 1936, a Nazi occultist (Michael Fassbender) arrives at a German family’s farmhouse in Virginia to examine an ancient runestone (left by Vikings) buried in the basement. In the present day, Henry Cavill is awakened one night by his supposedly missing Iraq vet brother (Dominic Purcell) and taken to the farm on a revenge mission: the ageless family has sacrificed him to the zombie/mummy-like Fassbender, who drinks the blood of the living and is trying to open a third eye and rule the world. He can’t enter the house because of runes on the doors and windows, but can bring dead animals and people back to life and send them in there. Or at least that’s what I think happens, it’s a very confusing mess (apparently Schumacher took the script away from Kajganich and did extensive rewrites). That said, it has some pretty cool ideas and scenes, a nice pumped-up horror-action atmosphere in the ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13/NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD mould, and is never boring. Some of the FX are a little dodgy, though. It ends with hints towards a sequel, and I wouldn’t mind seeing one. With Emma Booth, and apparently a photo of Purcell’s PRISON BREAK co-star Wentworth Miller in a newspaper clipping. It was shot in Romania. Kajganich wrote THE INVASION (2007).

BLOOD CULT (1985 US) D: CHRISTOPHER LEWIS W: STUART ROSENTHAL P: LINDA LEWIS Terrible regional shot-on-video gore film about a cult that dismember co-eds to appease a canine god. It was shot in Oklahoma and the hero is an old man sheriff. Lewis (Lorretta Young’s son) also made a sequel called REVENGE (1986), as well as THE RIPPER (1985) with Tom Savini. [Illus.]

BLOOD DEBTS See: HUNTER’S CROSSING

BLOOD DEMON (castle of the walking dead; the torture chamber of dr. sadism; blood of the virgins; torture chamber; die schlangengrube und das pendel) (1967 W.GER) D: HARALD REINDL W: MANFRED R. KOHLER P: WOLFGANG KUHNLENZ Here’s a forgotten, unusual adaption of Poe’s The Pit And The Pendulum (a very loose one). Christopher Lee is tried for the torture and murder of twelve women at his castle lair. He has an iron mask with spikes pushed onto his face (like in the classic THE MASK OF SATAN, except this mask has a smile on it!) and is pulled apart by horses. But first he vows to return for vengeance. Somehow he does return 35 years later and summons to the castle the siblings of the couple who rumbled him. There he puts one (Lex Barker) under the swinging pendulum, and scares the other (Karin Dor) with spiders, scorpions, lizards, snakes and skulls before planning to drain her blood and become immortal. The castle (great sets) is filled with secret passageways and traps and Lee’s equally sadistic servant seems impervious to bullets (there’s an animated self-healing wound). I particularly liked the forest of trees with human limbs sticking out and many men hanging from nooses. It may not always make much sense but has atmosphere and imagination to burn, and a pretty cool soundtrack. I really like it. With Carl Lange and Dieter Eppler. Dor was director Reindl’s real-life wife.

BLOOD DEVILS See: BEAST OF BLOOD

BLOOD DINER (1987 US) D: JACKIE KONG W: MICHAEL SONYE P: JIMMY MASLON Dumb, unfunny gore-comedy homage to BLOOD FEAST (originally slated to be BLOOD FEAST 2, in fact). Two brothers serve-up human remains at their vegetarian health food diner and prepare for “the feast of Shitar” by constructing a woman’s body from stolen bodyparts. The talking brain (and eyeballs) of their dead psycho uncle sits in a jar and instructs them (and swears a lot). Some nudity is thrown into the mix, but this movie is more irritating than outrageous. A puke scene seems inspired by MONTY PYTHON’S THE MEANING OF LIFE.

BLOOD DOCTOR See: MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND

BLOOD DRAGON See: BEACH OF THE WAR GODS

BLOODEATERS (forest of fear; toxic zombies) (1980 US) D/W/P: CHUCK McCRANN Government agents trailing marijuana farmers in the remote wilderness of Pennsylvania have some experimental crop-killer sprayed on the area by plane. It turns the farmers into crazed cannibals with machetes. McCrann (who stars) only made this feature. He died in the 9/11 World Trade Center attacks. John Amplas also has a part in this pretty lousy zombie flick that became a much sought after “video nasty” in the UK (under the aka FOREST OF FEAR). With Judith M. Brown.

BLOOD FEAST (1963 US) D/P: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS W: ALLISON LOUISE DOWNE P: DAVID F. FRIEDMAN/STANFORD S. KOHLBERG The effects and repercussions of this infamous gore movie cannot be overstated. Despite the fact that violent and graphically gory scenes had already appeared in cinema around the world, BLOOD FEAST was the first feature to revel in it and gore is the only reason for its existence. A drive-in hit, it set a new standard for screen violence and things would be a lot different today without it. The plot is simplicity itself. Mal Arnold (a unique actor with unforgettable eyebrows) is an Egyptian named Fuad Ramses, who runs a catering shop in Florida. When a woman requests his services for her daughter’s birthday (Playboy Playmate Connie Mason), Ramses uses the event as an opportunity to replicate “the feast of Ishtar”. A short flashback history lesson informs us that Ishtar was a bloodthirsty Egyptian goddess to whom sacrifices were made. To bring Ishtar back to life, Ramses kills women and removes parts of them as offerings. In a still grisly scene, a girl has her tongue ripped sloppily out of her head, while others have a brain and leg removed. Lewis regular William Kerwin is a cop on the case, and Friedman himself appears as a drunk. When discussing BLOOD FEAST, people are eager to dismiss its quality, insisting that it is only of historical interest. I happen to think that it actually works pretty well as an offbeat little horror movie. Sure the acting is bad and it wouldn’t win any awards for editing or set design, but it’s pretty hypnotically watchable. Lewis (who photographed and wrote the unforgettable minimalist soundtrack) and Friedman (and Mason) returned to gore for the even better TWO THOUSAND MANIACS! Screenwriter Downe wrote several films for Lewis, and performs (as Vicki Miles) in the same year’s SCUM OF THE EARTH. H.G. Lewis fans may want to tackle the silly, tongue-incheek novelisation. Years later, the much talked about sequel finally appeared.

BLOOD FEAST (1972) See: THE NIGHT OF A THOUSAND CATS

BLOOD FEAST 2: ALL U CAN EAT (2002 US) D: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS W: W. BOYD FORD P: JACKIE LEE MORGAN H.G. Lewis broke 30 years of retirement from movies to deliver this sequel/ remake to his trendsetting gore favourite. J.P. Delahoussaye is Faud Ramses III, who has set up shop as a caterer in his grandfather’s old place. As in the original he prepares a feast for the statue of Ishtar by dismembering girls in their underwear. There’s much more intentional comedy this time around, provided by a couple of dumb cops (one won’t stop eating junk food). It’s not really very good, but difficult to hate. John Waters has a fun part as a priest and executive producer David F. Friedman and Donald Farmer are here too. With Daniel Franzese.

BLOOD FEVER See: MOSQUITO (1994)

BLOODFIGHT (final fight) (1989 HK) D: SHUJI GOTO W: YOSHIYAKI SAWAGUCHI P: YASUAKI KURATA/HIROAKI TOKANO Yasuaki Kurata trains Simon Yam to fight in a world martial arts tournament in Hong Kong. After Yam is killed by the “Vietnamese Cobra” (Bolo Yeung), Kurata returns to the ring himself for revenge. This BLOODSPORT (and ROCKY 4) inspired action movie has a brutal final fight between Kurata and Yeung, but most of the running time is devoted to dull, cliché drama (in phonetic English). With Japanese pro wrestler Strong Kongo among the other tournament contestants (my favourite’s the sumo wrestler). The director and most of the crew are Japanese. There was a (retitled) sequel.

BLOOD FINGERS See: BRUTAL BOXER

BLOOD FOR A SILVER DOLLAR See: ONE SILVER DOLLAR

BLOOD FOR BLOOD See: MIDNIGHT MAN

BLOOD FOR BLOOD See: SUNDAY IN THE COUNTRY

BLOOD FOR DRACULA (andy warhol’s dracula; dracula cerca sangue di vergine e… mori di sete!!!; dracula vuole vivere… cerca sangue di vergine!!!) (1974 ITL FRA) D/W: PAUL MORRISSEY W: PAT HACKETT (uncredited) P: ANDY WARHOL/ANDREW BRAUNSBERG Filmed directly after the more celebrated FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN, this is actually a better film. An imaginative, funny and very different look at the Carpathian legend (filmed in English). Dracula (Udo Kier) and his secretary move to an Italian village because of a lack of virgins (or “wergins”) in Romania. Vittorio De Seca is an aristocrat (with no money) whose four beautiful daughters are targets for Kier (who’s excellent). Joe Dallesandro kind of saves the day as a gardener who rapes the girls, meaning Kier throws up their non-virgin blood. These scenes, Kier licking menstrual blood off the floor and the over-the-top ending (with Carlo Lomabrdi FX) are particularly outrageous. Roman Polanski has a cameo. Arguments have raged for years about Antonio Margheriti’s input as assistant director. Apparently it is all Morrissey’s work, but Margheriti was credited in Italy for tax breaks. With Milena Vukotic.

BLOOD FREAK (1971 US) D/W/P: BRAD F. GRINTER D/W: STEVE HAWKES “A Dracula on drugs” claims the video box. Grinter (most famous for FLESH FEAST) sits and smokes and introduces the story of Herschell (Steve Hawkes), a ’nam vet biker who helps a “bible freak” girl when her car breaks down. She takes him to her sister’s party where people smoke pot and swap partners (much to Hawkes’ disgust). But the sister eventually hooks him and gets him to try some special grass. He gets a job at a turkey farm where he eats some experimental meat (?) at the lab (??) there. He passes out, convulses and wakes up with a big turkey monster head! His girl and her friends try to look after him, but he’s become a heavy drug user and killer. In the scene everyone remembers he cuts off a guy’s leg with a buzz-saw. It turns out it was all a dream. Amazingly, Grinter returns to remind us that although the story was fictional, it’s highly probable that it could happen! Sure this hard to believe oddity is slow and boring in parts, but how many anti-drug turkey monster movies are there? Hawkes also starred in a couple of Spanish Tarzan rip-offs, KING OF THE JUNGLE (1969) and GUNGALA AND THE TREASURE OF THE EMERROCAVE (1972).

BLOOD FRENZY(1987 US) D/P: HAL FREEMAN W: TED NEWSOM Richard Pepin (later one half of PM Entertainment) did the photography for this cheap horror movie. And a grown-up Lisa Loring (Wednesday in the original ADDAMS FAMILY series) is in the cast. But that doesn’t make it worth watching. A doctor takes her therapy group session out into the desert for a change of scenery and they’re murdered one-by-one. Freeman usually makes porn.

BLOOD FROM THE MUMMY’S TOMB (1971 UK) D: SETH HOLT/MICHAEL CARRERAS W: CHRISTOPHER WICKING P: HOWARD BRANDY Hammer’s (modern-day, and mostly urban) adaptation of Bram Stoker’s Jewel Of The 7 Stars is very slow-moving with little pay-off. When archaeologists desecrate a tomb, Queen Tara possesses one of their daughters, who grows up to be sexy Valerie Leon (fans of the attractive 70s icon will enjoy this movie a tad more). The scene where a severed hand scuttles along left a big impression on me as a kid when it was on tv. Otherwise there is little to recommend it. At least it’s better than both THE AWAKENING and LEGEND OF THE MUMMY. With Andrew Keir, George Colouris, James Villiers and Rosalie Crutchley. Major production problems were Holt dying of a heart attack midway through filming, leaving Carreras to pickup, and original star Peter Cushing dropping-out to be at his wife’s deathbed (Keir replaced him). Roy Skeggs and Christopher Neame both worked on the production.

BLOOD GNOME (2002 US) D/W: JOHN LECHAGO P: RANDY MERMELL/VINCENT BILANICO/ZELDA Q. LIN Members of the BDSM community who indulge in “bloodsports” end up torn to shreds and eaten. A traumatised crime scene photographer discovers that invisible troll monsters (not garden gnomes unfortunately, despite the title) that can be seen through an infra-red video camera are responsible. They seem to be born of a tentacled plant/creature with teeth. I guess it’s good to have a non-judgemental BDSM horror movie that at least attempts to show participants as normal, careful citizens. But this is still a crappy movie. The hero’s facial expressions as he looks up bondage and discipline on the internet are pretty funny, though. Julie Strain makes a cameo appearance, with Stephanie Beaton and Jeff Leroy.

BLOOD, GUTS, BULLETS AND OCTANE (1997 US) D/W/P: JOE CARNAHAN P: LEON CORCOS/PATRICK M. LYNN/DAN LEIS/KEVIN HALE Carnahan, Leis and Hale also star in this indie crime movie that begins with a style and attitude that makes you think you’ll hate it. However, despite the tired Tarantinoesque hip dialogue and posturing, the story is actually pretty interesting, and the motive at the film’s centre is highly original. It revolves around two down-on-their-luck used car salesmen who get offered a load of money to valet a car (with something dodgy in the trunk). There are funny parts, good acting and overall it’s worth a look. Carnahan went on to NARC.

BLOOD HARVEST (the marvelous mervo; nightmare) (1986 US) D/W: BILL REBANE W: REX BENSON W/P: LUSESZEK BURZYNSKI A young woman returns to her rural family home to find her parents missing. She thinks they’ve been driven out by the locals because her banker father was involved in a series of local foreclosures, but someone’s murdering people (tying them upside down, slitting their throats and collecting the blood in a bucket). Could it be her childhood boyfriend’s insane brother (Tiny Tim!), prancing around dressed as a clown and acting childish? I saw a dvd that claimed to be the director’s cut (!) under the title NIGHTMARE, but reports have that it’s trimmed of some nudity and gore. No matter, as (the late) Tim is the only reason to sit through this. For days after watching, I would launch into his Marvelous Mervo theme song at the drop of a hat. Still happens now occasionally. With Peter Krause. Either this or the same year’s TWISTER’S REVENGE was Rebane’s final feature (all shot in his native Wisconsin).

BLOOD HOOK (1987 US) D/W: JAMES MALLON W: LARRY EDGERTON/JOHN GALLIGAN/GAIL ANDERSON/ DOUGLAS RAND W/P: DAVID HERBERT Seventeen years after the mysterious death of his father, a young man returns to his rural Wisconsin home town during a fishing tournament. Tourists are killed off by being “fished”. Not really that much to go on, but this unusual slasher flick benefits from an offbeat premise and backwoods atmosphere, and is kind of fun to watch. Lisa Todd is in it. Mallon later helped create the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 show.

BLOOD HUNGER See: VAMPYRES

BLOOD IN THE STREETS See: REVOLVER (1972)

BLOODLUST! (1959 US) D/W/P: RALPH BROOKE This one hour or so b/w MOST DANGEROUS GAME retread is not that bad considering. Two teen couples end up on a small island where Wilton Graft hunts humans with a crossbow and then displays the bodies under glass. The hero is Robert Reed form The Brady Bunch! With June Kenney and Lilyan Chauvin. Brooke often worked as production manager on Richard E. Cunha movies. Cunha was the photographer here.

BLOODLUST (1981) See: DR. JEKYLL AND HIS WOMEN

BLOODLUST IN OUTER SPACE See: THIS ISLAND EARTH

BLOODLUST: SUBSPECIES 3 (1993 US) D/W: TED NICOLAOU P: VLAD and OANA PAUNESCU Melanie Shatner returns to try to save her sister from rotting vampire Andrers Hove in Romania. Ok, but a step-down from the previous entry (the pinnacle of the series). The best part is the brief use of stop-motion (supervised by Dave Allen) at the very end. A SUBSPECIES 4 followed.

BLOODLUST: THE VAMPIRE OF NUREMBERG See: MOSQUITO (1976)

BLOOD MAD See: THE GLOVE

BLOOD MANIA (1970 US) D: ROBERT VINCENT O’NEILL W: TONY SACHER/TONY CRECHALES W/P: PETER CARPENTER P: CHRIS MARCONI Intensely dull plot-to-get-inheritance psychosexual thriller (without much blood, gore or nudity) stars Carpenter and Maria De Aragon (WONDER WOMEN) and has playmate Vicki Peters and Alex Rocco (in his third feature after MOTOR PSYCHO and THE ST. VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE) in the cast. O’Neill was later much more successful with his teen hooker hit ANGEL.

BLOOD MONEY See: THE STRANGER AND THE GUNFIGHTER

BLOOD MOON (1970) See: THE WEREWOLF VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN

BLOOD MOON (2001) See: WOLFGIRL

BLOOD OF DRACULA’S CASTLE (dracula’s castle) (1967 US) D/P: AL ADAMSON D: JEAN HEWITT (uncredited) W/P: REX CARLTON Alex D’Arcy and Paula Raymond are the count and countess Dracula. John Carradine (in kind of his second Adamson flick after additional Carradine footage had already been added to FIEND WITH THE ELECTRONIC BRAIN) is their butler who extracts blood from female captives with a syringe. Ray Young is Mango, the tall mutant hunchback who captures the girls tied up in the cellar. Gene O’Shea and Barbara Bishop are the young couple who have inherited the castle (at Spahn Ranch). The Moon God Luna is worshipped. With Robert Dix, Ken Osborne (who’s also credited for “special makeup”), John Cardos (also production manager), photography from “Leslie”(Laszlo) Kovacs and Vilmos Zsigmond, and a tarantula. It’s one of Adamson’s least interesting, and to be honest, pretty boring. Martin B. Cohen was the executive producer. Carlton killed himself because he owed the mob money. A proposed sequel was never made.

BLOOD OF FRANKENSTEIN See: DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN

THE BLOOD OF FU MANCHU (against all odds; kiss and kill; kiss of death; fu manchu y el beso de la muerte; der todeskuss dess dr. fu manchu) (1968 SPN W.GER UK US) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO W: MANFRED R. KOHLER (uncredited) W/P: “PETER WELBECK” (HARRY ALAN TOWERS) Fourth in the Christopher Lee as Sax Rohmer’s Fu Manchu series continues to bore the shit out of the audience, despite the potential of the source material. This time, Fu Manchi (and series regular Tsai Chin as his daughter) sends ten brainwashed international beauties out into the world from his Inca temple hideout (nice location), each one poisoned by a snake, and with the ability to transfer the deadly toxin by kissing. Of course Manchu’s main target is Scotland Yard detective Nayland Smith (Richard Greene, who was Robin Hood on tv from 1955–60 in THE ADVENTURES OF… series, and in the 1960 feature SWORD OF SHERWOOD FOREST, replacing Douglas Wilmer here). Smith survives his “attack”, but is blinded, so travels (with other series regular Howard Marion-Crawford) to Brazil. They soon hook-up with Gotz George (who does all the action) and Maria Rohm. Ricardo Palacios is a fat bandit right out of a western. The uncut 94 mins dvd shows that there was indeed a topless torture scene for the “export” version (probably parts of Europe and Asia). With Loni Von Friedl, and Shirley Eaton in an outtake from FUTURE WOMEN — Franco shot that and 99 WOMEN for Towers in Rio at the same time as this. Other locations are in Madrid. THE CASTLE OF FU MANCHU (finally) ended the lame series.

THE BLOOD OF HEROES See: SALUTE OF THE JUGGER

THE BLOOD OF JESUS (1941 US) D/W/P: SPENCER WILLIAMS P: ALFRED N. SACK This all-black cast b/w wonder from Sack Amusements was the first (micro-budget) feature from important 40s black filmmaker Williams. Williams himself plays a nonbeliever in a religious community who accidentally shoots his devout Christian wife. The locals preach gospel around her death bed while she fantasizes the bulk of the film. At a crossroads she’s led astray by a smooth-talking disciple of the devil (a cackling guy in a devil outfit) who takes her to a swinging juke joint (the music is great). But she gets back on the true path to Heaven and is eventually returned to life to convert her husband at the end. I recommend this rarity to fans of early rhythm’n’blues/jazz/swing, those interested in the history of black culture in cinema and film students who think it all started with Spike Lee (or even Melvin Van Peebles).

BLOOD OF THE DRAGON (the desperate chase; chui meng cheong; zhui ming quiang) (1971 HK) D/W: GO BO SHU W: I. KUANG P: “PARK VENGEE” Wang Yu is a heroic spear-wielding patriot who joins the rebels in the fight against Mongol invaders and traitors. Lung Fei is a villain and Yee Yuen and his army are defeated in the exhausting final massacre. Not bad kung fu flick has a variety of weapons being used, but the pace drags and it’s instantly forgettable. The US English-dubbed print, on which this review is based, is missing a scene where Lung Fei’s finger is removed. With Chiao Chiao, Got Siu Bo, Miu Tin and Kong Chin Ha.

BLOOD OF THE MAN BEAST See: HOUSE OF THE BLACK DEATH

BLOOD OF THE MAN DEVIL See: HOUSE OF THE BLACK DEATH

BLOOD OF THE VAMPIRE (1958 UK) D: HENRY CASS W: JIMMY SANGSTER P: ROBERT S. BAKER/ MONTY BERMAN Sir Donald Wolfit (a hammy stage actor and manager, and contemporary of Tod Slaughter) in Lugosi-style makeup is the head of a sanatorium for the criminally insane in Transylvania 1974. He has men do hard labour, and also drains them of blood (but doesn’t drink it). He’s actually working on blood transfusion experiments, because he’s a once-staked vamp who had a heart transplant! Victor Maddern is his hunchback assistant Karl, with one eye half-way down his face! Barbara Shelley and Vincent Ball are also in the cast, with John Le Mesurier, Colin Tapley, John Stuart, Bernard Bresslaw and Hal Osmond. Garish and odd, but mostly boring. Shot in Eastmancolor.

BLOOD OF THE VIRGINS (sangre de virgenes) (1967 ARG) D/W: EMILIO VIEYRA P: ORESTES TRUCCO A young woman is forbidden to marry the man she loves, and so agrees to an arranged marriage to another suitor. Her true love breaks into their house at night, stabs the husband to death and plants his fangs into her neck. During the animated credit sequence, the vampire visits her grave (in broad daylight) and she emerges from her coffin to be his vampire bride. After the credits we are introduced to some fun-loving, promiscuous teens via a very long montage of them at play, all set to twangy guitar instrumentals. They eventually end up stranded in the middle of nowhere when they run out of gas, and take shelter at a haunted lodge where they are drugged by a weird butler. The girls go missing, and the guys go to the police (director Vieyra is the commisario). Then the film slows down, gets tedious and never regains momentum as the cops investigate and the girls return one-by-one, exhibiting strange behaviour. With Ricardo Bauleo. Mondo Macabro offers a colourful print with English subtitles. Vieyra made FEAST OF FLESH and THE CURIOUS DR. HUMPP the same year, and BLOOD (with its brief nudity) was briefly banned by the Argentine government.

BLOOD OF THE VIRGINS (1967/II) See: BLOOD DEMON

BLOOD ON HIS LIPS See: THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON

THE BLOOD ON SATAN’S CLAW (1970 UK) D/W: PIERS HAGGARD W: ROBERT WYNNE-SIMMONS P: PETER L. ANDREWS/MALCOLM B. HEYWORTH A farmhand ploughs up subhuman remains in a field. A sharp claw ends up in the possession of Angel Blake (Linda Hayden, who has a welcome nude scene). Angel becomes possessed by the devil (signified by a patch of animal hair) and leads all the other teenagers on a killing spree in this creepy and effective 17th century period horror from Tigon. With Simon Williams, Tamara Ustinov, James Hayter and Michele Dotrice.

BLOOD ON THE LIPS See: DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS

BLOOD ON THE SUN See: THE BIG FIGHT

BLOOD ORGY See: THE GORE GORE GIRLS

BLOOD ORGY OF THE SHE DEVILS (female plasma suckers) (1972 US) D/W/P: TED V. MIKELS Here’s another of Mikels’ alleged cult classics that’s a chore to stay awake through. A voodoo priestess hires herself out as a medium, fortuneteller and spiritual assassin. An occult expert narrates historical flashbacks of witches being persecuted before taking down the villainess’ mansion at the end of the film with laser zaps from his fingers. Annik Borel (star of 1976’s NAKED WEREWOLF WOMAN) has a part. Over 30 years later Mikels (who has a small on-screen part and edited) returned with a sequel.

THE BLOOD PACT See: THE 36 CRAZY FISTS

BLOODRAYNE (2005 US GER) D/P: UWE BOLL W: GUINEVERE TURNER P: DANIEL CLARKE/SHAWN WILLIAMSON Kristanna Loken (from TERMINATOR 3) stars as Rayne, a half-human vampire in medieval Europe who escapes from a travelling carnival, and is trained by Michael Madsen and his gang of vampire killers to defeat Kadan (Ben Kingsley with a wig and makeup that makes him look like a little old lady). Kadan is busy amassing an army and collecting parts of Vladimir, the ultimate vampire. Good guys include Matt Davis and Michelle Rodriguez. Sometimes Boll’s movies can be laughable, but this video game adaptation is just boring all the way through. The only part I liked was a deformed ogre with a big mallet, but he wasn’t about for long. Maybe a passable kids’ movie, but why the gore and topless Loken fuck scene then? With Udo Kier, Meat Loaf Aday as a long white-haired vampire with a harem, Michael Pare, Billy Zane, Will Sanderson, Geraldine Chaplin and Mike Dopud. Second unit director and FX man Olaf Ittenbach is known for his gore movies (like PREMUTOS). Screenwriter Turner must have felt it a major step-down after helping to write AMERICAN PSYCHO and THE NOTORIOUS BETTIE PAGE (2005). Shot on the cheap in Romania, it was successful enough in some territories to spawn two sequels (in 2007 and 2010).

BLOOD RECKONING See: DEATH RAGE

BLOOD RELATIONS See: PRIVATE PARTS

BLOOD RELATIVES (les liens du sang) (1977 FRA CAN) D/W: CLAUDE CHABROL W: SYDNEY BANKS P: DENIS HEROUX/EUGENE LEPICIER This great murder mystery thriller is based on the Ed McBain 87th Precinct novels, relocated to Quebec. Donald Sutherland is the detective who opens a can of worms investigating the murder of a teenage girl. If nothing else, you should watch it for Donald Pleasence’s brilliant portrayal of a paedophile. With Stephane Audron, David Hemmings and Walter Massey. In some circles Chabrol is considered the French Hitchcock for his few contributions to the suspense genre.

BLOOD RITES See: THE GHASTLY ONES

BLOOD RUBY See: RUBY

BLOODRUSH (d.n.a. bloodrush) (1997 AUSL) D/P: MARK STONE W: SIMON GILBERT THORPE Stone also heads the cast of this unwatchably awful sci-fi action movie. Obnoxious, annoying rival survivalist team members get picked off by a ridiculous man-in-a-suit monster during an endurance competition. The gore FX are unconvincing.

BLOOD SABBATH (yyalah) (1972 US) D: BRIANNE MURPHY W/P: WILLIAM A. BAIRN P: LISA FLUET Anthony Geary is a ’nam vet in Mexico who falls in love with a goddess called Yyalah (Susan Damante-Shaw). But she’s a member of Queen Alotta (Dyanne Thorne)’s naked coven of chicks (including Uschi Digart), so he must sell his soul to be with her. The evil Thorne has some nasty tricks up her sleeves in this slow, ponderous but very weird and sometimes fascinatingly disorientating (and sometimes very boring) hippy horror movie. Hugo Grimaldi was the Supervising Editor.

THE BLOOD SEEKERS (1967/71) See: DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN

THE BLOOD SEEKERS (1970) See: CAIN’S CUTTHROATS

BLOOD SHACK (curse of the evil spirit; the chooper) (1971 US) D/W/P: “WOLFGANG SCHMIDT”,”CHRISTOPHER EDWARDS” (RAY DENNIS STECKLER) W: RON HAYDOCK P: “CAROL FLYNN” (CAROLYN BRANDT) Haydock (the rockabilly star of Steckler’s RAT FINK A BOO BOO) keeps hassling Carolyn Brandt in order to try to buy her ranch (“a historical monument”) she just inherited in the Nevada Desert (why anyone would want this rundown collection of shacks in the middle of nowhere so badly is not explained). Handyman Daniel walks around topless in a big hat and warns folks (including Steckler’s two cute little girls) to stay way from an old house or “The Chooper” will get them. Sure enough, when people enter they are (hilariously) attacked by a screaming figure in a tight black bodysuit (like in THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES…), wielding a long knife (while electronic chirping is heard). Daniel hides the bodies. The rest of this non-picture is Brandt strolling around the desert while we hear her voice-over, or time-wasting visits to the rodeo! For no sane reason I can think of, I liked this really weird excuse for a movie, although others may be less amused. Truly for connoisseurs of transiently “bad” cinema only. I saw a 55 mins version, but another runs 70 mins (with more rodeo footage!). Both are on one dvd now. I guess Steckler started making pornos around the same time. Someone really needs to write a book about him.

BLOODSHED (1971) See: SHURA

BLOOD SHED (2002) See: WISHMASTER 4

BLOOD SIMPLE (1984 US) D/W/P: JOEL AND ETHAN COEN Directorial debut from the talented brothers who always credit their films as D/W Joel and W/P Ethan but whom most people know do most of it together. They had previously worked on the likes of THE EVIL DEAD and FEAR NO EVIL when their assured neo-noir debut took the arthouses by storm (and resulted in endless low-budget noirinspired thrillers). Dan Hedaya hires private detective M. Emmet Walsh (wonderfully sleazy in his yellow suit) to kill wife Frances McDormand’s lover. There are some nice unexpected twists, a grim burial scene, great atmospheric photography from Barry Sonnenfeld and masterful direction. It’s based on James Cain, but there’s other pulp in there too. The title comes from Dashiell Hammett’s Red Harvest (1929) (an influence on the Coens’ later MILLER’S CROSSING). Filmed in Texas, with Holly Hunter and Sonnenfeld’s voice. A 1999 re-edit features a hilariously pompous intro. The Coen-scripted CRIMEWAVE was directed by Sam Raimi the following year, but their next film as directors was the classic RAISING ARIZONA.

BLOOD SISTERS (1973) See: SISTERS

BLOOD SISTERS (1986 US) D/W: ROBERTA FINDLAY P: WALTER E. SEAR Sorority girls spend the night at an old whorehouse where people were killed years ago. Obviously a stupid thing to do, as is renting this slow grind of a horror cheapie. John Fasano (ROCK’N’ROLL NIGHTMARE) is in the cast.

THE BLOOD SPATTERED BRIDE (till death us do part; la novia ensan grentada) (1972 SPN) D/W: VICENTE ARANDA W: MATTHEW LEWIS P: JAIME FERNANDEZ-CID A newlywed couple spend their honeymoon at his huge family estate in the country. He (Simon Andreu) begins to display signs of light sadism while she (Maribel Martin) has nightmares and visions of a mysterious woman in a wedding dress supposed to haunt the woods. Alexandra Bastedo is Carmilla, a woman whom Andreu discovers buried in the sand at the beach in a memorable, surreal scene. This is a very good version of Sheridan La Fau’s Carmilla that keeps the vampiric element suitably enigmatic. The uncut 100 mins version is for patient viewers only, though. Claims that this version ended with gory scenes of breasts being cut off are false.

BLOOD SPLASH See: NIGHTMARES IN A DAMAGED BRAIN

BLOODSPORT (1988 US) D: NEWT ARNOLD W: SHELDON LETTICH/CHRISTOPHER COSBY/MEL FRIEDMAN P: MARK DiSALLE Jean-Claude Van Damme had his first starring role in this Cannon production based on a true story. He plays the first westerner to win the secret, illegal full contact Kumite martial arts tournament in Hong Kong, and trained by a Japanese teacher to fight the evil killer fighter (Bolo Yeung) in the finale. It’s actually pretty entertaining and is still one of Van Damme’s best (which isn’t really saying much, I know). Forest Whitaker is a cop who has to find the AWOL Van Damme, with Leah Ayers, Michel Quissi and Roy Chiao. This and KICKBOXER (also with Van Damme) were responsible for a whole slew of interchangeable (and mostly awful) straight-to-video kick-boxing movies. It was Arnold’s third film as director after HANDS OF A STRANGER in 1962 and BLOOD THIRST in 71. But his long career (starting with being an associate producer for ZERO HOUR in 57) included assistant director credits for (among others) THE GETAWAY, PAT GARRETT AND BILLY THE KID, THE GODFATHER PART 2, BLADE RUNNER, JADE and A SIMPLE PLAN.

BLOODSPORT 2: THE NEXT KUMITE (1995 US) D/P: ALAN MEHREZ W: JEFF SCHECHTER A dealer in Chinese antiquities (Daniel Bernhardt) tries to steal a valuable Japanese sword while in Thailand. He ends up in a tough, corrupt prison where inmate-for-life James Hong teaches him the Iron Hand technique. Once out, he competes in the Kumite martial arts tournament. Hong relates the clichéd tale to a bunch of kids. With Pat Morita, Nils Allen Stewart, Phlip Tan and Master Hee Il Cho. The Rhythm Of The Kumite is a terrible dance track playing during the end credits, with laughable use of sampling. It was the only part I really enjoyed, but please God don’t sit through it for that. Bernhardt returned in BLOODSPORT III (1996) and BLOODSPORT: THE DARK KUMITE (1999).

BLOODSTONE: SUBSPECIES 2 (1993 US) D/W: TED NICOLAOU P: VLAD and OANA PAUNESCU Anders Hove returns in this superior vampire sequel. It’s no classic, but has enough surprising and effective scenes to recommend it. With Melanie Shatner and good FX. BLOODLUST was the next entry, shot back to back with this one.

BLOODSTONE (1996) See: MAXIMUM RISK

BLOODSUCKERS (1970) See: INCENSE FOR THE DAMNED

BLOODSUCKERS FROM OUTER SPACE (space zombie) (1984 US) D/W: GLEN COBURN P: RICK GARLINGTON An alien energy field (which appears as a strong gust of wind) turns the residents of a small Texas town into bloodsucking zombies in minimum makeup. They puke-up most of their blood and then go and drain some more out of their victims. The hero of this micro-budget regional gore comedy is a newspaper reporter (and his new-found girlfriend), while the police and military figures (including Garlington as a major) are all idiots. Some of the humour is grating and unfunny while some other parts are hilarious. I liked the opening scene best. A farmer says “Art is shit. Nobody understands it”. There’s a chainsaw decapitation and brief nudity. Guest star comedian Pat Paulsen is the President. With Jim Stafford and Coburn (who also directed a segment of TABLOID!). There is a title theme song.

BLOOD SUCKING FREAKS (the incredible torture show) (1978 US) D/W/P: JOEL M. REED P: ALAN MARGOLIS Seamus O’Brien is Sardu, a sadistic magician/ring master who puts on decadent shows of sex and violence for Manhattan’s high society, who are totally unaware that the gory degradation of women is for real. Naked female captives are kept in cages where they catfight each other for meat and are routinely let out to be tortured by Sardu and his dwarf assistant Luis De Jesus. Filmed in “Ghoulovision” are such acts as sucking brains out though a straw, the human bare-ass dartboard, and, when the captors finally get their comeuppance, a penis sandwich. The FX are not that good, but it doesn’t matter. This is prime sleazy entertainment that’s slated by many exploitation fans for being misogynistic and too sick. So what? A classic I say. With Viju Krem. Reed made others, like NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES and SEX BY ADVERTISMENT (1968), but this is the one he’ll be remembered for.

BLOODSUCKING NAZI ZOMBIES See: OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES

BLOOD SURF (crocodile; krocodylus) (2000 US) D: JAMES D.R. HICKOX W/P: ROBERT J. LEVY W: SAM BERNARD P: PETER ABRAMS/NATAN ZAHAVI A tv producer, his girlfriend and a couple of surfers go to the South Seas to film surfing among the sharks. A giant seawater crocodile turns up to eat them. John Carl Buechler provided FX for this pretty dumb movie. The guy bitten in half is the best gore moment. With Matt Borlenghi. The soundtrack is surf instrumentals. This and Tobe Hooper’s CROCODILE were probably made because of LAKE PLACID.

BLOOD SURF 2 See: DARK AGE

BLOOD THEATRE See: PHANTOM OF THE THEATRE

BLOOD: THE LAST VAMPIRE (2000 JPN ANIMATED) D: HIROYUKI KITAKUBO W: KENJI KAMIYAMA P: YUKIO NAGASAKI Saya is a modern-day swordwielding vampire hunter (with the voice of Yuki Kudoh) who’s sent to an international girls school in Japan where her prey is hiding. This is good actionhorror stuff with some great animation, but at only 50 mins long it doesn’t have time to develop or go anywhere interesting. Paul Carr also provides his voice. Kitakubo made the excellent ROUJIN Z and screenwriter Kamiyama went on to the GHOST IN THE SHELL: STAND ALONE COMPLEX series. There was a lousy live action version in 2009.

BLOOD THIRST See: ’SALEM’S LOT

BLOODTHIRSTY BUTCHERS (1969 US) D/W: ANDY MILLIGAN W: JOHN BORSKE P: WILLIAM MISHKIN Milligan’s most famous feature is a version of the Sweeney Todd legend, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street. The people he kills (“scum of the Earth”) end up in meat pies at the local bakery (the most memorable scene has a woman’s tit in a pie). This very talky feature (with terrible cinematography) mostly deals with relationships, and the acting is surprisingly not bad (and the accents don’t slip too often). Occasionally there’s some gore scenes with very rubber looking bodyparts, and a little nudity. I can’t imagine a modern audience finding anything of interest here (unless they are already fans of Milligan’s unique brand of very personal cinema). Many claim that it was actually filmed in London (including Milligan biographer Jimmy McDonough in his excellent biography The Ghastly One), but I wouldn’t be surprised if Milligan shot this on Staten Island (although he did definitely spend some time in England, where he shot the elusive but existing NIGHTBIRDS, and the marginally better THE BODY BENEATH [both 1970]). Some more lost Milligan productions from around the same time are GUTTER TRASH (1969) and THE WEIRDO (which he remade in 1988).

BLOODTHIRSTY ROSE See: THE EVIL OF DRACULA

BLOOD TIES (1991 US) D: JIM McBRIDE W: RICHARD SHAPIRO P: GENE CORMAN Terrible made for-tv rip-off of THE LOST BOYS (from the director of the BREATHLESS remake [1983]) has motorcycle riding vampires trying to spread their virus in California. I’m no fan of Joel Schumacher’s hit, but it was infinitely more entertaining than this. With Grace Zabriskie, Patrick Bachau, Bo Hopkins, Kim Johnston Urich and Jason London. Shapiro was also the executive producer.

BLOOD TRACKS (heavy metal; shocking heavy metal) (1985 SWE US) D/W: “MIKE JACKSON” (MATS HELGE) W: ANNA WOLF P: TOM SJOBERG Unbelievably dull horror flick about a metal band called Solid Gold (actually real-life rockers Easy Action, unfortunately heard on the soundtrack) making a music video on a snowy mountain. Some cannibal hermits kill them in an abandoned old factory. If you don’t fall asleep, you deserve some kind of reward. Surprisingly, Brit sex film director Derek Ford (who completed one more movie, 1989’s URGE TO KILL) was the assistant director. Helge also directed THE NINJA MISSION (1984) and RUSSIAN TERMINATOR (1989), among others.

BLOOD VENGEANCE See: EMANUELLE’S REVENGE

BLOOD WATERS OF DR. Z See: ZAAT

BLOODY BIRD See: STAGEFRIGHT

BLOODY BIRTHDAY (creepers) (1980 US) D/W: ED HUNT W: BARRY PEARSON P: GERALD T. OLSON Three 10-year-old kids born during a solar eclipse start to kill the townsfolk with a bow and arrow. This low-budget horror is not very good, but has a creepy, perverse atmosphere all its own and is kind of memorable. With José Ferrer, Susan Strasberg and Michael Dudikoff. It sat unreleased for six years. Since then it’s developed a small cult following.

BLOODY CEREMONY See: CEREMONIA SANGRIENTA

BLOODY FIST (ninja fist of blood; death beach; dang kou tan; dong kau taan) (1972 HK) D/W: NG SEE YUEN P: “JIMMY PASCUAL” Evil Japanese invaders (led by Chen Kuan Tai) are after a herb that cures plagues so they can have a stranglehold on the Chinese. Chan Sing stars as a travelling fighter who reluctantly defends the community. Fight choreography by Yuen Woo Ping (who also appears) is the only reason that kung fu completists might want to check out this ropey, early fight flick. Beware of severely cut prints. With Hon Gwok Choi, Shum Wai, Kok Lee Yan and Brandy Yuen.

BLOODY FISTS (1974) See: HEROES TWO

BLOODY FRAGMENTS ON A WHITE WALL See: LUCKY SKY DIAMOND

BLOODY MONKEY MASTER See: THE IRON MONKEY

BLOODY MOON (die säge des todes) (1980 W.GER) D: JESÚS FRANCO W: RAYO CASABLANCA P: WOLF C. HARTWIG Girls at an international language school are being killed off (including a buzz-saw decapitation). Olivia Pascal stars. Franco has a cameo. There’s a not-very-surprising ending. The only part I liked was the odd disco song that goes “shake your baby, rock your baby”.

BLOODY MURDER (jason; scream bloody muder) (1999 US) D/P: RALPH PORTILLO W: JOHN R. STEVENSON P: JAMIE ELLIOTT Some teens get on each others’ nerves in the woods while preparing summer camp for the kids. Trevor Moorhouse is the name of a mythical slasher figure that supposedly stalks the area. Someone in a FRIDAY THE 13th-style hockey mask kills them off one by one. This very tame horror whodunnit makes several jokey references to the genre, but doesn’t rise above them. In fact it’s real boring (and takes place almost completely in daylight). There’s a clip from Portillo’s FEVER LAKE. A sequel followed in 2002.

BLOODY NEW YEAR (horror hotel; time warp zone; time warp terror) (1986 UK) D: NORMAN J. WARREN W: FRAZIER PEARCE P: HAYDEN PEARCE After getting into some trouble at the fair, a trio of young couples row a boat out to an island and get stranded. A hotel there is stuck in New Year’s Eve 1959, and possessed objects that zombify kill. It turns out to have something to do with an experimental missile that crashed there. FIEND WITHOUT A FACE plays at a private minitheatre (wish I had one). This awful horror movie and the spy movie GUNPOWDER were the last movies directed by Warren.

THE BLOODY PIT OF HORROR (il boia scarlatto) (1965 ITL) D/W: “MAX HUNTER”/“RALPH ZUCKER” (MASSIMO PUPPILLO) W: “ROBERT NATHAN” (ROBERTO NATALIE)/“ROBIN McLORIN” (ROMANO MIGLIORINI) W/P: “FRANK MERLE” (FRANCESCO MERLI) A group of models, photographers and their manager break into an old castle they believe to be deserted (even though it’s been kept in pristine condition) to shoot lurid/sexy photos for the covers of pulp horror novels. Mickey Hargitay is the reclusive owner of the castle who recognises one of the models as his ex-fiancée. In the basement of the castle is a torture dungeon where “The Crimson Executioner” (a sadistic torturer) was executed and entombed in an iron maiden. When the seal on his tomb is accidentally broken, Hargitay becomes the crimson executioner, in red tights and skull cap, wearing a black eyemask, who proceeds to torture and kill the unwelcome visitors in a series of painful torture devices. Walter Brandi is the hero, and one of the girls is TARZANA (1969), Femi Benussi. This Frank Henenlotter Sexy Shocker is enjoyable, outrageous (for the time) Euro exploitation as long as you don’t expect it to be a lost masterpiece. The most interesting aspect for me was Hargitay’s slightly biographical character, identified as an actor who used to make musclemen movies, and throughout rants about his perfect, pure body. When it was originally released (cut) in the US, it was advertised as being in “Psychovision”. With Alfredo Rizzo and Nando Angelini.

A BLOODY SPEAR AT MT. FUJI (chiyari fuji) (1954 JPN) D: TOMU UCHIDA W: FUJI YAHIRO/TOSHIO TAMIKADO Chiezo Kataoka stars as the chief lance retainer for a young alcoholic samurai on the way to Edo. Based on Kintaro Inoue’s novel, this satirical and downbeat oddity features a rambling yet tragic and precise story that’s very much critical of hypocritical class society codes of conduct (not unlike a less intense road movie version of the later classic SEPPUKU). It was the first postwar film for a renowned director who worked from the silent days through to his death in 1970. Apparently Yasujiro Ozu, Hiroshi Shimizu and Kenji Mizoguchi all helped him to make it. With Ryonosuke Tsukigata, Daisuke Kato and Eitaro Shindo.

BLOODY TATTOO See: THE LOOT

BLOODY VALENTINE 3D See: MY BLOODY VALENTINE

BLOODY WEDNESDAY (the great american massacre) (1984 US) D/P: MARK G. GILHUIS W/P: PHILIP YORDAN Mechanic Raymond Elmendorf gets really confused and claims “nothing fits anymore”. He loses his job and becomes the caretaker for an abandoned old hotel. He talks to his teddy bear, hallucinates and lots of strange reality/fantasy switches occur. My favourite part is when a neighbour reports his pointing a broomstick out the window (they think it’s a gun) and a cop warns “It’s not against the law to play with broomsticks, but it’s not a good idea”. It ends with the crazed Elmendorf mowingdown people in a diner with a stolen machine-gun. It’s based on the real-life McDonald massacre in California. It’s pretty interesting. With Dale Turner from Oingo Boingo. Gilhuis doesn’t have any other credits to his name, but Yordan’s been writing and producing since the 1940s.

BLOW (2001 US) D/P: TED DEMME W: DAVID McKENNA/NICK CASSAVETES P: DENIS LEARY/JOEL STILLERMAN George Jung was a late-70s pioneer for bringing massive amounts of cocaine into the U.S from Colombia. Bruce Porter wrote a book about his rags-to-riches-to-rags life story, and this very good biopic (starring Johnny Depp as Jung) is based on that. Ray Liotta is excellent as his father and Franka Potente (LOLA RENNT) isn’t around long as his first love who helps him on his career path with good quality grass. Paul Reubens and Penelope Cruz have substantial parts, too. With Rachel Griffiths, Jordi Molla, Max Perlich, Cliff Curtis, Miguel Sandoval, Ethan Suplee, Demme, Anastasia Blue and (my favourite) Bobcat Goldthwait. The only minor quibble I have is that Depp is too young looking and unconvincing as a burnt-out slob in the later segments.

BLOWBACK (crossing) (1999 CAN US) D/P: MARK L. LESTER W: JEFFREY GOLDENBERG/BOB HELD/RANDALL FRAKES P: DANA DUBOVSKY James Remar is a Jesus-freak serial killer who murders and crucifies girls with a nail-gun. Mario Van Peebles is the cop who stops him and sends him to the gas chamber. But his death is staged by corrupt FBI agents who change his face with plastic surgery and programme him to be a political assassin. During an assignment Remar casually says “your mumbo jumbo never really worked” and runs off to kill those people (judge, jurors etc.) responsible for his downfall. Peebles (now with a nervous twitch in his hand) is put on the case of “copycat” killings. One guy’s intestines are pulled out and a woman has her breasts cut off (not shown) in this pretty ridiculous SE7EN copy (that also copies RESURRECTION a bit). The murders are reconstructions of the deaths of saints, a crucifix is shot from a crossbow and Remar jumps off a tall building, smashes onto a car roof but walks away ok. It never gets too boring. With Simon Rhee.

BLOWN AWAY (1994 US) D: STEPHEN HOPKINS W: JOE BATTEER/JOHN RICE/M. JAY ROACH P: JOHN WATSON/RICHARD LEWIS/PEN DENSHAM Tommy Lee Jones is a crazed Irish terrorist specialising in explosives who escapes from prison and ends up planting bombs in Boston and ruins the life of bomb disposal team hero Jeff Bridges, with whom he has an old score to settle. Potentially interesting action thriller suffers from unconvincing (and often irritating) leads and failed attempts at operatic explosion scenes. It’s also too long and seems very confused. With Forest Whitaker, Lloyd Bridges, Suzy Amis, John Finn, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Mike Starr. SPEED and THE SPECIALIST were simpler and more entertaining terrorist bomb movies from the same year.

BLOW OUT (midnight cross) (1981 US) D/W: BRIAN De PALMA W: BILL MESCE JR. (uncredited) P: GEORGE LITTO Veering away from Hitchcock (but not too much), De Palma decides to pay homage to Antonioni’s BLOWUP this time. John Travolta is a sound FX man for cheap horror flicks who accidentally records a presidential candidate’s car ploughing off a bridge and into a river, Edward Kennedy style. The candidate dies but Travolta manages to rescue theatrical call-girl Nancy Allen (De Palma’s wife at the time) from the wreck. They both become endangered when it turns out that the event may not have been such an accident. Ok conspiracy thriller goes on too long and is never very suspenseful. Just as derivative as his previous DRESSED TO KILL, but that was more entertaining. With John Lithgow, Dennis Franz, Missy Cleveland and Tony Devon.

BLOWUP (1966 UK) D/W: MICHELANGELO ANTONIONI W: TONINO GUERRA/JULIO CORTAZAR P: CARLO PONTI David Hemmings is an arrogant playboy fashion photographer who may have accidentally photographed an assassination attempt. Antonioni’s celebrated “classic” is undeniably well-crafted, but the deliberate pacing dissolves into simple catatonia when you realise it’s not going anywhere. But worse than that is the sequence that should be considered a crime against cinema: a fucking mime tennis game! Poignant? No! Shite? Absolutely! The best thing about it is a rare look at The Yardbirds (with Jimmy Page) in a club. With Vanessa Redgrave, Peter Bowles, Jane Birkin, Veruschka von Lehndorff, Julian Chagrin and Janet Street-Porter as an extra.

BLUE (1992 CAN) D/W: DON McKELLAR P: BRUCE McDONALD Wonderful short film (it’s about 20 mins) has David Cronenberg as the manager of a carpet factory obsessed with an old 70s porno loop. Worth catching if you see it around. McKellar wrote ROADKILL (1989) and HIGHWAY 61 (1991) for McDonald.

BLUEBEARD (1944 US) D: EDGAR G. ULMER W: PIERRE GENDRON/WERNER H. FURST/ARNOLD PHILLIPS P: LEON FROMKESS John Carradine is a (literal) ladykiller and puppeteer in 19th century Paris who performs Faust. Jean Parker is a besotted young woman about to become the next terminal ex-wife. It’s not among Ulmer’s best, but you should appreciate the atmosphere he generates that is so much more impressive than other PRC “Poverty Row” releases of the era. In beautiful b/w. With Nils Ashter, Ludwig Stossel, Iris Adrian, Patti McCarty, Henry Kolker, Emmett Lynn and Harry Cording. Ulmer made the amazing DETOUR the following year.

BLUE CITY (1986 US) D: MICHELLE MANNING W/P: WALTER HILL W: LUKAS HELLER P: WILLIAM HAYWARD Judd Nelson returns to his Florida home town to avenge his father’s death in this pretty dull thriller based on a novel by Ross MacDonald. Ally Sheedy helps him. With David Caruso, Paul Winfield, Scott Wilson, Allan Graf, Tiny Lister and The Textones.

BLUE COLLAR (1978 US) D/W: PAUL SCHRADER W: LEONARD SCHRADER P: DON GUEST Richard Pryor (at his best), Harvey Keitel and Yaphet Kotto are assembly line workers at a Detroit auto plant. They rob a small bank (hilarious scene) and discover their own union is ripping them off. They try to fight the system but end up dead or having to conform. It’s a scary and quite brilliant look at how the working class is kept in its place. With Cliff DeYoung, Lane Smith, Ed Begley Jr., Tracey Walter and Jimmy Williams. Captain Beefheart is on the soundtrack. It deserves to be considered one of the best of the 70s. Schrader (who debuted as a director with this) made HARDCORE next.

BLUE DEMON (2004 US) D/W/P: DAN GRODNICK W: BRETT THOMPSON/LISA MARTIN/RON OLIVER Off the coast of California, some genetically altered sharks named after the Marx Bros (and the mean leader dubbed Red Dog) are trained to protect us from terrorists. Of course they escape from their little lagoon and eat people. Meanwhile a terrorist bomb-scare brings in Colonel Jeff Fahey. Executive producer “Noble Henry” (Jim Wynorski) must have been responsible for the goofy comedy (complete with cheezy musical accompaniment), but everyone’s to blame for the rest of this lames-ass shark attack/anti-terrorist action hybrid. With Randall Batinkoff, Dedee Pfeiffer, Christine Lakin, a dwarf and a Kafka joke.

THE BLUE EYED BANDIT (insider; il bandito dagli occhi azzurri) (1982 ITL) D/W: ALFREDO GIANNETTI P: ENZO DORIA/FRANCESCO CERAMI Franco Nero disguises himself as an old balding man with a limp so he can steal a load of cash from the money collection office he works at. His house has a secret basement escape route and he hangs out at a gay sauna and massage parlor. A flashback during a visit to his mentally ill mother explains why he’s doing it. Light stuff with no real surprises, but I like watching Nero in anything and this crime drama is pretty watchable. Ennio Morricone provides a typically good soundtrack.

BLUE FLAME (blade planet) (1993 US) D/W: CASSIAN ELWES P: STEPHEN BATAILLARD Brian Wimmer is a clichéd traumatised cop in the future, whose marriage is in ruins after a couple of aliens called Fire and Rain kill his little daughter. Two years later and the aliens (one is Kerri Green from THE GOONIES) escape from cryogenic suspension. Wimmer discovers his daughter is still alive and tracks them. This pathetic excuse for a movie then gets utterly nonsensical with a load of reality vs hallucination bullshit because the aliens can control human minds, or something. This just means the script goes out the window and Wimmer rambles aimlessly through some corridors from one unconnected scene to the next. Terrible. With Ian Buchanan (from the ON THE AIR series), B.J. Davies and Amana De Cadanet as a hooker.

BLUE HOLOCAUST See: BEYOND THE DARKNESS

BLUE JEAN COP (1988) See: SHAKEDOWN

BLUE JEAN COP (1990) See: DEATH WARRANT

THE BLUE MAN See: ETERNAL EVIL

BLUE MANHATTAN See: HI, MOM!

BLUE NIGHT ROAD See: BLACK DAY BLUE NIGHT

BLUE PARADISE See: ADAM AND EVE: THE FIRST TRUE LOVE STORY

BLUE REVENGE See: ANGEL OF FURY

THE BLUES BROTHERS (1980 US) D/W: JOHN LANDIS W: DAN AYKROYD P: ROBERT K. WEISS Aykroyd and John Belushi took their Saturday Night Live characters Jake and Elwood Blues to the big-screen for this hit car chase comedy musical filled with guest appearances. They put together a rhythm’n’blues revue to raise money for an orphanage. You wouldn’t want to get cornered by a rabid Blues Brothers fan, but it is a mostly enjoyable, mindless movie with some great music and funny moments (and Charles Napier!). With Steve Cropper, Donald “Duck” Dunn (from Booker T. and the MG’s), John Candy, Henry Gibson, Carrie Fisher, John Lee Hooker, Steven Spielberg, Frank Oz, Twiggy, Paul Reubens, Cab Calloway, Aretha Franklin, James Brown, Ray Charles, Kathleen Freeman, Steve Lawrence, Landis, Chaka Kahn, Rosie Schuster and Raven De La Croix.

BLUES BROTHERS 2000 (1998 US) D/W/P: JOHN LANDIS W/P: DAN AYKROYD P: LESLIE BELZBERG Toned-down and sillier sequel without the late John Belushi, instead it’s Aykroyd, John Goodman and a little kid. Police, the Russian mafia and white supremacists are after them. With Joe Morton, Nia Peeples, Kathleen Freeman, Frank Oz, B.B. King, James Brown, Junior Wells, Isaac Hayes, Eric Clapton, Dr. John, Wilson Pickett, Bo Diddley, Eddy Floyd, Billy Preston, Travis Tritt, Erykah Badu, Aretha Franklin and Steve Winwood.

BLUES HARP (1998 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: TOSHIHIKO MABUO W: TOSHIYUKI MORIOKA In one of Miike’s more insipid hack jobs, Hiroyuki Ikeuchi stars as a barman in a blues club (where some awful acts play to an unconvincingly overappreciative audience) who’s set-up by the yakuza to be an expendable assassin. An unconvincing happy ending posits the laughable notion that a big-time record producer would turn his back on bread’n’butter idol promotion for a mediocre harmonica-led pub rock band. With Mickey Curtis and Daisuke Ijima.

BLUE STEEL (1990 US) D/W: KATHRYN BIGELOW W: ERIC RED P: EDWARD R. PRESSMAN Most people hated this thriller when it was new, but I thought it was kinda fun in a dumb, stylish way (more so than Bigelow’s overlong POINT BREAK the following year). The overacting Ron Silver steals cop Jamie Lee Curtis’ gun. She’s suspended and becomes the prime suspect for murders he commits. With Louise Fletcher, Philip Bosco, Clancy Brown, Tom Sizemore, Kevin Dunn, Richard Jenkins, Mike Starr, Matt Craven and John Capodice.

BLUE SUMMER (1973 US) D/W/P: CHUCK VINCENT P: ALLAN SHACKLETON Two guys in a decked out mini bus cruise around the country roads looking to score with girls before heading off to college. Trouble comes in the form of redneck bullies; an affair with a married woman causes confusion and they ball a cult leader’s two chick disciples. Forgettable nonsense is notable only for being Vincent’s first straying from the hardcore sex scene. Shackleton and his Monarch Releasing Corporation are notorious for releasing SNUFF three years down the line.

BLUE SUNSHINE (1976 US) D/W: JEFF LIEBERMAN P: GEROGE MANASSE Zalman King (acting pretty offbeat as always) investigates when some of his friends suffer from major migraines, lose their hair and turn into scary, wild-eyed superstrong homicidal maniacs. He turns up evidence of a form of acid sold in college 10 years prior that may have caused chromosome mutations. Solid exploitation flick has loads of interesting ideas, and look for Brion James imitating Rodan. With Alice Ghostley, Mark Goddard and Argentina Brunetti. Lieberman also made the classic SQUIRM.

BLUE THUNDER (1983 US) D: JOHN BADHAM W: DAN O’BANNON/DON JAKOBY/DEAN RIESNER (uncredited) P: GORDON CARROLL LA cop Roy Scheider steals a hi-tech government superhelicopter that evil Malcolm McDowell wants to use against ghetto citizens. There are helicopter duels in this silly action hit that inspired the AIRWOLF tv series. There was also a BLUE THUNDER tv series that’s less well remembered. With Candy Clark, Daniel Stern, Warren Oates (his last role) and Thomas Roslaes Jr.

BLUE VELVET (1986 US) D/W: DAVID LYNCH P: FRED C. CARUSO Lynch got an Oscar nomination for this classic, but it was far too weird and disturbing to win. Kyle MacLachlan finds a severed ear in a small white picket fence American town. His investigations lead to a nightclub, singer Isabella Rossellini, her abusive lover/ captor Frank (Dennis Hopper in the demented performance of his career) and his small group of friends (including lip-syncing Dean Stockwell). It’s still a huge influence on young filmmakers and is ambiguous enough (to the point of genius) to demand repeated viewings. With Laura Dern, Brad Dourif, Jack Nance, Frances Bay and musician Angelo Badalamenti. The photography is by Frederick Elmes, who also shot Lynch’s ERASERHEAD.

BOARDING HOUSE (housegeist) (1982 US) D/W: “JONEMA” (JOHN WINTERGATE) P: PETER BAAHLU This horror movie was one of the first shot-onvideo features, and it was even transferred to 35mm for a brief theatrical run. A more memorably (and enjoyably) awful film would be hard to find. “Hank Adly” (Wintergate) is the unfortunate soul to own the cursed Hoffman house. He places an ad in the paper for “girls, girls, girls” to share the bachelor pad. The place is soon full of women (one is lead singer for the band 33 1/3, seen playing at a party) and bizarre, laughable gory deaths occur (preceded by a stupid warning signal). There’s also a ’nam vet gardener, some unbelievable hallucinations, an irritating computer read-out telling us what’s going on… and more. Did I mention that Adly (who has blow-dried hair and leopard skin underpants) is also telekinetic and involved in the final, jaw-dropping psychic battle? You have been warned.

BOARDING SCHOOL (passion flower hotel; preppy school girls virgin campus; leidenschaftliche blumchen; hotel der leidenschaftlichden blumchen) (1976 W.GER) D: ANDRE FARWAGI W: “PAUL NICOLAS” (LUTZ SCHAARWACHTER) P: ARTHUR BRAUNER In 1956, American schoolgirl Nastassja Kinski arrives at a strict Swiss all-girls boarding school. Her and the other horny girls hatch a plan to offer themselves as prostitutes (!) to the equally horny residents of the all-boys school across the river. She also shows them how to hula hoop to rock’n’roll. This not bad adaptation of the novel by “Rosalind Erskine” (Laura Black), The Passion Flower Hotel, is more of a rites-of-passage comedy drama than a sexploitation flick. So if you’re looking for a naked 16-year-old Kinski, check out TO THE DEVIL — A DAUGHTER instead. With Fabiano Udenio, Kurt Raab and Hertha von Walther. Screenwriter “Nicolas” later directed CHAINED HEAT.

BOA VS. PYTHON (2004 US) D: DAVID FLORES W: SAM WELLS/CHASE PARKER P: PHILLIP J. ROTH/JEFFERY BEACH Yes, it’s a huge CGI boa versus huge CGI python in this ridiculous follow up to PYTHON, PYTHONS 2 and NEW ALCATRAZ. David Hewlett is a scientist who supplies the government with one big snake to hunt the other. Heavy duty criminal survivalists on a hunting spree confuse matters further. If the above titles rocked your world, then I guess this one’s for you. Jaime Bergman co-stars. With Velizar Binev, Angel Boris, Adam Kendrick and Atanas Srebev.

BOB CRANE See: AUTO FOCUS

BOB THE GAMBLER (fever heat; bob la flambeur) (1955 FRA) D/W: JEAN PIERRE MELVILLE W: AUGUSTE LE BRETON In this deliberately paced, low-key b/w crime movie a legendary ex-gangster and compulsive gambler plans one final bank robbery that goes sour. Look out for a brief appearance from Euro cult figure Howard Vernon. Melville’s American influenced love letters to hard-boiled noir cinema are considered classics in some circles, but this was a little too slow and unsubstantial for me. Remade over 45 years later as THE GOOD THIEF.

THE BODIES BEAR TRACES OF CARNAL VIOLENCE See: TORSO

BODILY HARM (malicious 2) (1994 US) D/W: JAMES LEMMO W: JOSEPH WHALEY/RONDA BARENDSE P: BRUCE COHN CURTIS Boring thriller stars Linda Fiorentino as the woman sleeping with the prime suspect in a stripper murder case — Daniel Baldwin, who is nowhere near as suave as his character is meant to be here. With Gregg Henry, Bill Smitrovich, Troy Evans, Millie Perkins and Ken Lerner.

BOD SQUAD See: DEADLY ANGELS

BODY See: BODY OF EVIDENCE

BODY ARMOUR See: THE PROTECTOR: KRAGO’S ISLAND

BODY BAGS (1993 US) D: JOHN CARPENTER/TOBE HOOPER/LARRY SULKIS W: BILLY BROWN/DAN ANGEL This is an ok horror anthology with Carpenter as the coroner who hosts the tales from a morgue and tells bad taste gags. He also directed the first two episodes. The Gas Station has psycho Robert Carradine stalking Alex Datcher; Hair is pretty different and features David Warner and Deborah Harry; Eye (from Hooper) is an HANDS OF ORLAC rewrite with Mark Hamill receiving a serial killer’s eye during a transplant. Nothing special among them, but reasonably enjoyable and better than most recent anthologies. With Sam Raimi, David Naughton, Wes Craven, George “Buck” Flower, Sheena Easton, Stacy Keach, John Agar, Roger Corman, Twiggy, Kim Alexis, Charles Napier, Tom Arnold, Hooper and Peter Jason. Sulkis directed the connecting segments.

BODY CHEMISTRY 2: THE VOICE OF A STRANGER (1991 US) D: ADAM SIMON W: JACKSON BARR/ CHRISTOPHER WOODEN P: ALIDA CAMP Lisa Pescia returns as a small-town radio sex psychologist who uses ex-cop Gregory Harrison (who is into rough sex) as an experiment in this uneventful (and unerotic) sequel. With Morton Downey Jr., John Landis, Robert Riker, Clint Howard, Jeremy Piven and Frank Novak. Flashbacks from other Concorde productions (Roger Corman was the executive producer) feature Monique Gabrielle and Maria Ford. Simon’s BRAIN DEAD was much more entertaining. There were four in the series.

BODY COLLECTOR See: A TWIST OF FAITH

BODY COOKING See: ED AND HIS DEAD MOTHER

BODYCOUNT (the eleventh commandment; camping del terrore) (1986 ITL) D: RUGGERO DEODATO W: ALESSANDRO CAPONE/LUCA D’ALISERO/SHEILA GOLDBERG/DARDANO SACHETTI P: ALESSANDRO FRACASSI A good exploitation cast is completely wasted on this awful teens-in-the-woods slasher movie. Charles Napier, David Hess (also in Deodato’s THE HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK), Mimsy Farmer, Ivan Rassimov, John Steiner and Bruce Penhall all have nothing to work with. It’s not even very gory.

BODY COUNT (1997 US) D: ROBERT PATTONSPRUILL W: THEODORE WITCHER P: MARK BURG/ DOUG McHENRY/GEORGE JACKSON Ving Rhames, John Leguizamo (very good as a loudmouth fuck-up), David Caruso (always hateable) and Donnie (Mark’s brother) Walhberg are four criminals trying to make it to Miami by car after they botch an art gallery heist in New England. Witcher’s script is excellent, exciting, funny and sometimes scary up until the cop-out ending, and it’s all tightly directed by Spruill. With Linda Fiorentino as a hitchhiker and Forest Whittaker (who masterminds the robbery we see in flashback).

BODY DOUBLE (1984 US) D/W/P: BRIAN De PALMA W: ROBERT J. AVRECH One of De Palma’s worst. It copies REAR WINDOW and VERTIGO (among others). Craig Wasson is the murder witness who’s stalked by the killer. That’s about it. No suspense, no imagination and ugly 80s style. Derivative bore. With Melanie Griffith, Deborah Shelton, Barbara Crampton, Brinke Stevens, Gregg Henry, Dennis Franz, Cara Lott and Linda Chow. It was originally to have been shot hardcore with Anette De Haven (who does appear briefly) in Griffiths’ porn actress role.

THE BODYGUARD (1961) See: YOJIMBO

THE BODYGUARD (1969) See: HAVE SWORD, WILL TRAVEL

THE BODYGUARD (1973) See: VIVA CHIBA! THE BODYGUARD

THE BODYGUARD FROM BEIJING (the defender; chung naam hoi biu biu; zhong nan hai bao bao) (1994 HK) D: CORY YUEN KWAI W: GORDON CHAN/ JOHN CHAN KIN CHUNG Here’s a more actionorientated version of the 1992 Kevin Costner/Whitney Houston hit THE BODYGUARD with Jet Li as the titular bodyguard assigned to watch over prize witness against the Triads, Christy Chung. It rates as one of Yuen Kwai and Jet Li’s lesser films. With Kent Cheung and Ngai Sing.

BODYGUARD KIBA (1973) See: VIVA CHIBA! THE BODYGUARD

BODYGUARD KIBA (1993 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: HISAO MAKI/TETSUYA SASAKI A yakuza underling ex-boxer steals some cash from his boss (Ren Osugi) and then goes to prison for five years. Upon his release he hires karate fighting bodyguard (Takeshi Yamoto) to transport him from Tokyo back to Okinawa to reclaim the loot. Unremarkable V-cinema (direct-to-video) action swill, based on the manga by Ikki Kajiwara and Ken Nakagusuku. Sonny Chiba played the bodyguard character in a 1973 flick that was released Stateside as VIVA CHIBA! THE BODYGUARD. Yamoto is no Chiba. With Takanori Kikuchi and digitally censored drug taking. There were two sequels, in 1994 and 1995.

THE BODYGUARDS See: THE ESCORT

BODY HARD See: SPANISH ROSE

BODY HEAT (1981 US) D/W: LAWRENCE KASDAN P: FRED T. GALLO Sexy Kathleen Turner and William Hurt star in this noirish DOUBLE INDEMNITY rip-off. It’s actually good, and superior to later similar erotic thrillers. With Ted Danson, Mickey Rourke and Richard Crenna. George Lucas was the executive producer.

BODY HEAT 3 See: POISON IVY: THE NEW SEDUCTION

BODY IN THE WEB See: HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND

BODY MELT (1993 AUSL) D/W: PHILIP BROPHY W/P: ROD BISHOP P: DANIEL SCHARF Bizarre, Cronenberg-inspired gore comedy has something to do with a health farm’s vitamin injections that cause people to mutate. Characters eat kangaroo glands and a placenta bursts out of a woman’s stomach and attacks! Worth a look.

BODY OF EVIDENCE (deadly evidence; body) (1992 US GER) D: ULI EDEL W: BRAD MIRMAN P: DINO DE LAURENTIIS Willem Dafoe is a lawyer defending possibly dangerous sex-kitten Madonna, who tends to have sexually heated relationships with older men with weak hearts. Erotic thriller/ courtroom drama in the BASIC INSTINCT vein is not awful, but isn’t much good either. I guess that’s why it tanked at the box office, despite the muchpublicized Madonna nudity. With Joe Mantegna as the prosecuting attorney, Jürgen Prochnow as a doctor, Anne Archer, an almost unrecognisable Julianne Moore, Michael Forest, Mark Rolston, Richard Riehle and Frank Langella. Edel also made LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN (1989).

BODY PARTS (1991 CAN) D/W: ERIC RED W: NORMAN SNIDER/PATRICIA HERSKOVIC/JOYCE TAYLOR P: FRANK MANCUSO JR. Jeff Fahey is a criminal psychologist who loses his arm in a car crash (excellent scene). A brilliant doctor grafts a new one on. After Fahey hits his children and almost strangles his wife (Kim Delaney), he discovers that the arm with a mind of its own used to belong to a serial killer.. Getting the other arm is artist Brad Dourif. Fairly entertaining HANDS OF ORLAC extension has some ridiculous but inventive scenes and a little gore. But it’s not quite satisfying. With Zakes Mokae, Paul Ben-Victor, Peter MacNeill and Gene Mach. Based on a novel (Choice Cuts) by Pierre Boileau and Thomas Narcejac (DIABOLIQUE). Loek Dikker’s soundtrack is interesting in places.

BODY PUZZLE (misteria) (1991 ITL) D: “LARRY LOUIS” (LAMBERTO BAVA) W: BRUCE MARTIN/TEODORO AGRIMI P: MARIO BREGNI/PIETRO BREGNI This is a remake of the Eurotrash favourite PIECES. Joanna Pacula’s husband’s corpse is stolen, and someone is killing and removing bodyparts and leaving them at her house. This stupid film doesn’t come close to the fun of the original, but has its moments. The US version has Moussorgsky’s Night On Bald Mountain dubbed in several times (a piece of music difficult to take seriously after hearing it in so many 60s nudie movies). With Gianni Garko and Tomas Arana as cops, Erica Blank, “John Morghen” (Giovanni Lombardo Radice) and Bruno Corazzari.

THE BODY SNATCHER (1945 US) D: ROBERT WISE W/P: “CARLOS KEITH” (VAL LEWTON) W: PHILIP MacDONALD This loose b/w RKO adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson’s 1884 short story (itself obviously based on the Burke and Hare West Port murders) is well worth watching, a typically sombre, conflicted Lewton production, concerned more with the philosophy of Hippocrates and the moral ambivalence of the pioneering types of Dr. Knox & Co (here personified by medical student Russell Wade and revered surgeon and anatomist Henry Daniell) than out-and-out horror (though it has its moments, of course). Boris Karloff is the coach driver/resurrection man who blackmails Daniell, and Bela Lugosi is Daniell’s eavesdropping servant (a rather thankless, if pivotal, role, the last of several times Lugosi was paired with Karloff on-screen). A subplot involves a crippled little girl learning to walk. With Robert Clarke, Mary Gordon, Milton Kibbee, Larry Wheat and Bill Williams. The RKO backlot Edinburgh of 1931 is conveyed by exterior sets from the 1939 version of THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME. (That, and Wade — who doesn’t even attempt a Scottish accent — saying “aye” a few times.) The story was later adapted again for a lost 1966 episode of Mystery and Imagination. In 1939, the BBC had aired the teleplay THE ANATOMIST, directed by James Bridie and based on his own 1930 play about Dr. Knox and his association with the resurrection men (it was adapted for tv three more times, twice in 1956, and again in 1980). The next Burke and Hare movie, though, was THE GREED OF WILLIAM HART. Karloff returned in Lewton’s ISLE OF THE DEAD. MacDonald was best known as the author of the Anthony Gethryn series of novels, adaptations of which include John Ford’s THE LOST PATROL (1934) and THE LIST OF ADRIAN MESSENGER. Wise had already directed THE CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE and the Guy de Maupassant adaptation MADEMOISELLE FIFI (1944) for Lewton. His next assignment was the MOST DANGEROUS GAME retread, A GAME OF DEATH (1945).

BODY SNATCHER FROM HELL See: GOKE

BODY SNATCHERS (1981) See: THE HORROR STAR

BODY SNATCHERS (1993 US) D: ABEL FERRARA W: LARRY COHEN/RAYMOND CISTHERI/STUART GORDON/ DENNIS PAOLI/NICHOLAS ST. JOHN P: ROBERT H. SOLO Third official version of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS is adequate but pretty unnecessary. It’s one of Ferrara’s better commercial projects, though. The story has been relocated to an army base, there’s lots of action and the pod people have tentacles. Gabrielle Anwar stars. With R. Lee Ermey, Meg Tilly and Forest Whitaker. The worthy, boring THE INVASION followed in 2007.

BODYSNATCHERS OF NEW YORK (2010 UK) D/P: TOBY DYE Clearly influenced by the films of Errol Morris, this stylish 62 mins documentary (which I saw aired as part of C4’s True Stories strand) tells the compelling, hard-to-believe story of how a funeral home in Brooklyn became prolific illegal donors of bone and tissue to corporate-run medical tissue banks, without the consent of relatives. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It went to trial between 2006–08, and several of the interviewees speak from jail. Dye also made a more standard format but very informative C5 doc on Issei Sagawa in 2007 called THE CANNIBAL THAT WALKED FREE (it may also go by the name CANNIBAL SUPERSTAR).

BOGARD See: BLACK FIST

BOG CREATURES (2003 US) D/W/P: J. CHRISTIAN INGVORDSEN W/P: MATTHEW HOWE/JEFFREY KOLIG A bunch of American students arrive in Denmark (where the persistent but talentless Ingvordsen is from) to help a scientist excavate peat bogs for the preserved bodies of supernatural 9th century Viking usurpers. They do find them and they come back to life and kill. A guy eats a pair of knickers for comic relief. Debbie Rochon and Ingvordsen are in the cast. Crap.

THE BOGEY MAN See: THE BOOGEYMAN

BOGGY CREEK 2 See: THE BARBARIC BEAST OF BOGGY CREEK, PART 2

THE BOGUS WITCH PROJECT (2000 US) D: VICTOR KARGAN/SUSAN JOHNSON D/W: MARK MOWER D/W/P: KELLY ANNE CONROY/ALEX MEBANE/ ALEC TUCKMAN W/P: KENT BAKKE P: ALEX ZAMM/ SEAN McGINTY/JESPER W. RASMUSSEN/AVERY O. WILLIAMS/TOM TROY Incredibly unfunny collection of six LA-based BLAIR WITCH spoofs linked by MTV style commercials for programmes like Zombie Chef. Pauly Shore has his own segment, reason enough to tune out. With Cyndi Lauper.

BOHACHI: CLAN OF THE FORGOTTEN EIGHT See: PORNO SAMURAI THEATRE

BOILING POINT (3-4 x ju gatsu) (1990 JPN) D/W: TAKESHI KITANO P: HISAO NABESHIMA/TAKIO YOSHIDA/MASAYUKI MORI After doing a fantastic job directing VIOLENT COP, Kitano followed with this underappreciated gem that most consider a step-down. In some ways it’s even better that its predecessor. Masahiko Ono kinda stars (for a while) as a garage/gas station attendant (and useless parttime baseball player) who’s asked to join the yakuza. The vignettes that follow suck you into a world of not only crime, but tender (and brutal) psychology that all can relate to. Difficult to convey on paper, this may well be one of the best movies of its time. See it now. Kitano himself has a stand-out part as a troublesome gay thug. With Yuriko Ishida, Dankan, Hitoshi Ozawa, Hiroshi Suzuki, Tsuneo Serizawa, Bengal, Eri Fuse, Hiroshi Ide, Kenzo Matsuo, Johnny Okura, Etsushi Toyokawa and Taka Gadarukanaru. Kitano made the disappointing A SCENE AT THE SEA next.

BOILING POINT (l’extreme limite) (1993 US FRA JPN) D/W: JAMES B. HARRIS P: MARC FRYDMAN/LEONARDO DE LAS FUENTE Wesley Snipes stars as an LA US Treasury agent who has to find the two thieves who killed another agent. Dennis Hopper is particularly good as the wily Red Diamond, desperate to get another scam going despite the fact that no one will back him. Viggo Mortensen is his partner in crime. Based on a novel by Gerald Petrievich, it’s an above average thriller from the underrated director of FAST WALKING and COP. With Lolita Davidovich, Seymour Cassel, Tony Lo Bianco, Valerie Perrine, Paul Gleason, James Tolkan, Jonathan Banks, Tobin Bell, Dan Hedaya and Rick Dean.

BOLTNECK See: TEEN MONSTER

BON APPETIT, MAMA See: ED AND HIS DEAD MOTHER

THE BONE COLLECTOR (1999 US) D: PHILLIP NOYCE W: JEREMY IACONE P: LOUIS A. STROLLER/ MICHAEL BREGMAN/MARTIN BREGMAN Denzel Washington is top-billed as a brilliant forensics expert and author who’s now bedridden in his apartment waiting for the seizure that will turn him into a vegetable. Angelina Jolie co-stars as a street cop who helps him survey crime scenes (via radio) for clues left by a serial killer. This SE7EN and COPYCAT-inspired thriller has lots of gruesome murders committed in dark, derelict and forgotten NYC buildings. It’s a competent (if uninspired) movie that’s let-down by plot holes and a disappointing ending when we find out who the killer is. Michael Rooker does his usual turn as an arsehole who fucks everything up (this time as a cop). With Luis Guzman, Ed O’Neill, Queen Latifah, Leland Orser, Richard Zeman, Frank Fontaine, Steve Adams, Larry Day, Arthur Holden, Fulvio Cecere, Russell Yuen and Noyce. Based on Jeffery Deaver’s novel.

BONE DADDY (palmer’s bones) (1998 CAN US) D: MARIO AZZOPARDI W: THOMAS E. SZOLLOSI P: LEWIS CHESLER/JEAN DE SORMEAUX Rutger Hauer is an ex-police scientist in Chicago (actually Toronto) who’s written a best-seller about a serial killer terrorising the city years earlier, removing his victims’ bones and never apprehended. Hauer’s agent is kidnapped and bones turn up wrapped in the pages of his book. Above average direct-to-video psycho thriller. With R.H. Thomson, Daniel Kash, Robin Gammell, Blu Mankuma, Mimi Kuzyk, Peter Kellighan, Marc Donato, Dean McDermott, Panou and Sandi Ross.

THE BONE RIPPER See: JILL RIPS

BONES (2001 US) D: ERNEST DICKERSON W: ADAM SIMON/TIM METCALFE P: LLOYD SEGAN/PETER HELLER/ RUPERT HARVEY Some enterprising youngsters decide to reopen a big old building in a slum and turn it into a nightclub. A dog living there eats human flesh and this somehow resurrects Jimmy Bones (Snoop Dogg), a legendary 70s local hero killed preventing crack from entering his neighbourhood. Slick horror from the director of TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT begins promisingly with decent characters and a script with some direction, but soon the (excellent) FX overkill takes over and it gets pretty tiresome. With Pam Grier. Clifton Powell, Bianca Lawson, Merwin Mondesir, Katharine Isabelle, Ron Selmour, Deezer D, Lynda Boyd, Colin Foo, obscure 30s and 40s starlet Jeni Le Gon, a writhing wall of human bodies, maggot puking and cartoonish, talking severed heads. Screenwriter Simon made the documentary THE AMERICAN NIGHTMARE.

THE BONE SNATCHER (2003 S.AFR) D: JASON WULFSOHN W/P: MALCOLM KOHLL W: GORDON RENDER P: IZIDORE CODRON/KOA PADOLSKY A Canadian survival program designer (Scott Bairstow) is sent to the Namibian desert to work with some local roughnecks. What appears to be a man-in-a-suit monster that eats people is in fact a swarm of small flesh-eating bugs/parasites. This monster could have been used effectively, but unfortunately this runs out of ideas pretty quickly. With Rachel Shelley.

THE BONEYARD (1990 US) D/W: JAMES CUMMINS P: RICHARD F. BROPHY An emotionally burned out psychic is asked by detective Ed Nelson to help solve one more case: Three living dead children have been discovered in a local mortuary, whose owner has been feeding them bits of corpses. Turns out they are Kyoshe, and when their food supply stops they go and look for it themselves. Cummins and Bill Corso provided the excellent, imaginative FX for this people-trapped-in-a-morgue-filled-with-monsters movie that’s pretty enjoyable with a sly, self-deprecating sense of humour. With Norman Fell and Phyllis Diller (full marks for casting) and a memorable poodle monster. It was made in North Carolina. Phil Smoot (who also makes enjoyable low-budget stuff like THE DARK POWER) was an associate producer. I wonder if the whipping sound during the opening credit music is Lash La Rue? [Illus.]

BONNIE AND CLYDE (1967 US) D: ARTHUR PENN W: DAVID NEWMAN/ROBERT BENTON/ROBERT TOWNE (uncredited) P: WARREN BEATTY One of the most famous films of the 60s stars Beatty and Faye Dunaway as infamous lovers-on-the-run Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker. They’re both excellent, as is the supporting cast, Michael J. Pollard, Gene Hackman, Estelle Parsons, Denver Pyle, Dub Taylor, Gene Wilder and (somewhere) Russ Marker (director of THE YESTERDAY MACHINE). It stands up today as an entertaining, funny and violent (it’s considered a watershed production for violence in mainstream American cinema) road movie. It was a hit, so other copycat Depression-era crime/road movies followed.

THE BOOB TUBE (1975 US) D/W: CHRISTOPHER ODIN W: JERRY ADLER/AL BURTON In this nudie spoof of daytime soap operas, John Alderman is a doctor and new tenant at the Whispering Palms apartment complex. He fucks Sharon Kelly and then other women who keep coming onto him. It’s unbearably unfunny and I’m pleased (the version I saw) only ran an hour. There are also spoof commercial breaks. THE BOOB TUBE STRIKES AGAIN! (1977) was a (Lee Frost) sequel in name only.

THE BOOGENS (1982 US) D: JAMES L. CONWAY W: DAVID O’MALLEY/“BOB HUNT” (JIM KOUF)/ TOM CHAPMAN P: CHARLES E. SELLIER JR. Miners in Utah unleash mostly unseen monsters that can be spotted in the final reel as pretty cool, scaly, tentacled old-fashioned FX creations. Not high on my list of regional low-budget monster movies, it does have quite a cult following, however. With John Crawford. It was backed by the Sunn Classics documentary folks, and producer Sellier also made the controversial hit SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. The same year Conway directed a tv version of THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER (1979) starring Martin Landau.

THE BOOGEYMAN (the bogey man) (1980 US) D/W/P: ULLI LOMELL W: SUZANNA LOVE/DAVID HERSCHEL In a flashback we see how a little boy killed his mother’s abusive boyfriend with the help of his sister. Twenty years later the grown-up brother (now mute) and sister (Love, the director’s wife) work on a tobacco farm and are still haunted by the events. Psychiatrist John Carradine persuades her to return to the house where it took place. A mirror is smashed there, and the evil shards possess people to kill. This odd horror movie seems half-baked and highly derivative (EXORCIST, CARRIE, HALLOWEEN etc.) and some scenes are ridiculous and laughable. But it’s also inventive in unusual ways, and a watchable curiosity item if nothing else from the German Fassbinder protégé Lommel. Jerry Gross released it.

BOOGEYMAN 2 (revenge of the boogeyman) (1982 US) D/W/P: “BRUCE STARR” (ULI LOMMEL) W: SUZANNA LOVE P: MARK BALSAM Six months after the events of the first movie, Suzanna Love goes to Hollywood to visit her “friend” and her director husband (Lomell playing pretty much himself, a European film director forced to make more commercial exploitation flicks) and relates the story of what happened to her in the previous movie. He sympathetically responds by inviting obnoxious Hollywood types to the house for a poolside party in the hope of securing a movie deal based on Love’s experience. For some reason, a shard of the fated mirror from part one is still around and possesses the German servant. Pathetic sequel is loaded with time-filling flashback footage from the first film. The new death scenes are pretty hilarious (the bathroom murders by shaving cream and electric toothbrush takes the prize, I think). It seems a little tongue-incheek (but played straight), which makes me like it more than I should. With references to De Palma, the Hollywood Babylon book and a real dumb surprise ending. Love was Lomell’s wife at the time, so ended up in his BRAINWAVES, THE DEMONSVILLE TERROR, OLIVIA, STRANGERS IN PARADISE and REVENGE OF THE STOLEN STARS. There was also a non-Lomell RETURN OF THE BOOGEYMAN in 1994. [Illus.]

THE BOOGIE MAN WILL GET YOU (1942 US) D: LEW LANDERS W: EDWIN BLUM/HAL FIMBERG/ ROBERT B. HUNT P: COLBERT CLARK You may be surprised by the jet black humour in this underrated ARSENIC AND OLD LACE inspired b/w horror comedy. Boris Karloff is the scientist who chloroforms travelling salesmen who come to the house and attempts to turn them into superhumans in his cellar lab. The icing on the cake is Peter Lorre as a sheriff/ doctor and loan shark. Lots of fun. With Max Rosenbloom, Jeff Donnell, Maude Eburne, Don Beddoe, George McKay, Frank Puglia, Eddie Laughton, Frank Sully and James C. Morton.

BOOGIE NIGHTS (1997 US) D/W/P: PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON P: LLOYD LEVIN/JOHN LYONS/JOANNE SELLAR Burt Reynolds received an Oscar nomination (until he disowned the feature) for his portrayal of porn movie producer Jack Horner. Based in San Fernando Valley, 1977, Mark Whalberg (formerly lame white rapper Marky Mark) is perfect as new porn sensation Dirk Diggler, who packs a huge cock. We follow his rise to fame and fortune, and his eventual downfall after aquiring a serious cocaine habit and thus not being able to get it up anymore. He ends up turning tricks in people’s cars for $10. This John Holmes-inspired tale is woven into an engaging and pretty accurate (Ron Jeremy was the consultant) overview of the porn industry. From it’s halcyon origins, to the direct-to-video industry (which the film portrays in a very bad light) it is today. With Julianna Moore as Amber Waves, John C. Reilly, William H. Macy, Don Cheadle, Heather Graham as Vanessa Del Rio-like Rollergirl, Alfred Molina (who’s got a great part), Nicole Parker, Philip Seymour Hoffman (in THE BIG LEBOWSKI with Moore the same year), Luis Guzman, Robert Ridgley, Philip Baker Hall, Thomas Jane, Robert Downey Sr., John Doe, Jack Wallace and magician Ricky Jay. Genuine porno stars make the expected cameos: Rico Bueno, Tony Tedeschi, Skye Blue, Summer Cummings and Veronica Hart. Despite featuring no hardcore sex, hilarious recreations of typical 70s porn scenes (including Holmes’ Johnny Wadd series) are highlights. BOOGIE NIGHTS was one of the unexpected pleasures of the 90s. When I saw it in a theatre, I was upset when it finished (and it’s over 150 mins). It’s expanded from the short THE DIRK DIGGLER STORY. Director Anderson is the son of legendary (to the readers of Psychotronic Video magazine) Cleveland horror host Ghoulardi (aka Ernie Anderson). Both Ghoulardi and Ridgley died during production, so this film (a Ghoulardi production) is dedicated to them both. For more John Holmes focused entries, see EXHAUSTED (Holmes’ own less-than-accurate love-letter to himself), OF FLESH AND BLOOD (1990) or WADD. The director is not to be confused with the British Paul Anderson.

THE BOOK OF ELI (the walker) (2009 US) D: THE HUGHES BROTHERS W: GARY WHITTA P: BRODERICK JOHNSON/ANDREW A. KOSOVE/ JOEL SILVER/DAVID VALDES/DENZEL WASHINGTON In a post-apocalyptic future where water is scarce, The Walker (Denzel Washington) heads west on foot, carrying the one remaining extant copy of the Bible. Gary Oldman is the head of a new frontier town who wants the book, calling it “a weapon”. Jennifer Beals is his blind wife, Mila Kunis is her daughter. There’s not much new here, but it’s good storytelling, well-paced and fun to watch. Action scenes seem inspired by Japanese swordplay movies. I liked it. With Ray Stevenson (from PUNISHER: WAR ZONE), Evan Jones, Joe Pingue, Frances de la Tour, Tom Waits, Malcolm McDowell, Michael Gambon, Al Goto, cinematography from Don Burgess and an interesting soundtrack (including nice use of an Al Green classic). It was the Brothers’ first feature together since 2001’s underrated FROM HELL.

BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2 (2000 US) D/W: JOE BERLINGER W: DICK BEEBE P: BILL CARRARO After the success of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, tourists descend on the small town of Burkitsville. A local resident (whose flashbacks reveal was once an asylum inmate) organises a tour for a bunch of irritating characters, and this pathetic sequel turns into a convoluted and never interesting mystery involving thievery, murder and strange happenings during a drunken blackout. This pile of slop probably made a shitload of money which it didn’t deserve. With Kim Director, Jeffrey Donovan, Erica Leerhsen, Kurt Loder, Reiner Schone and Roger Ebert.

BOOTHILL BRIGADE (1937 US) D: SAM NEWFIELD W: GEORGE H. PLYMPTON/HARRY F. OMSTED P: A.W. HACKEL Johnny Mack Brown arrives at the ranch owned by his girlfriend’s (Claire Rochelle) father to discover that something is not quite right about the men he is hiring in this forgettable 52 mins b/w Bwestern dud. With Dick Curtis, Horace Murphy, Frank La Rue, Ed Cassidy, Bobby Nelson, Frank Ball, Steve Clark, Frank Ellis, Jim Corey, Lew Mechan and James Sheridan.

BORDELLO OF BLOOD See: TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS…

BORED HATAMOTO: ACROBATS OF DEATH See: THE ACROBATS OF DEATH

BORN INVINCIBLE (shaolin’s born invincible; taai gik hei gung; ta ji qi gong) (1978 HK) D/W/P: JOSEPH KUO W: YOU CHING KANG Carter Wong (once a policeman in real-life) is unforgettable as the white-haired tai chi master villain with a high pitched voice (the results of intensive training, apparently) who wages war on a kung fu school who harbour an old sword fighter he wants to kill. After killing the swordsmaster, the schoolmaster and some other pupils, stars Jack and Mark Long seek revenge. However, Wong is impervious to injury with but one weak spot the heroes must discover in order to defeat him. BORN INVINCIBLE is regarded as an above average quickie kung fu flick, but to my mind is a classic of the genre. The fighting (superbly choreographed by Yuen Woo Ping) is plentiful, the training scenes are delightful, the plot is enthralling and the whole thing is directed with a masterful flair. It’s also the only film I can remember seeing that incorporates the spitting-metal-balls technique. With Yuen Sam, Nancy Yen, Yuen Shun-Yi, Alan Chui Chung San and Sue Chen Ping. A must-see, maybe on a double bill with NINJA HUNTER.

THE BORN LOSERS (1967 US) D/W/P: TOM LAUGHLIN P: DELORES TAYLOR Laughlin stars as the half-breed ex-Green Beret vigilante Billy Jack for the first time. A biker gang led by Jeremy Slate terrorises a California town and rapes some of its teens. One of the girls is too scared to testify because of a spineless police force, leaving it up to Billy Jack to save the day (and preach about “being man enough…”). He does bad karate, refuses to lose his cool and plays acoustic guitar in the mountains. This AIP hit is entertaining but way too long at almost two hours. With Jane Russell, Stuart Lancaster, Jack Starrett, Robert Tessier and Jonathan Haze. BILLY JACK, THE TRIAL OF BILLY JACK and BILLY JACK GOES TO WASHINGTON (1977) followed.

BORN TO DEFENCE (chung wa ying hung; zhong hua ying xiong) (1988 HK) D: JET LI W: SZ YEUNGPING/ JIE ER-GEE Jet Li stars in his sole directorial credit to date. He plays a ridiculously nice ex-soldier visiting his friend in an American occupied China after WWII. Cartoonish and downright evil American soldiers call locals “chink”, pick fights, drink and fuck. Jet puts up with a lot of abuse until they murder his friend and his daughter, and then he goes apeshit. If you can look beyond the caricatures (the only black soldier is a cowardly idiot by the way) this rousing, audience manipulating action movie does have some great gritty fight action. Jet fans should take a look.

BORN TO KILL See: COCKFIGHTER

BORN WILD (the young animals) (1968 US) D/P: MAURY DEXTER W: JAMES GORDON WHITE Passable potboiler about the new Mexican-American kid transferred to a border town high school where racism runs rampant leading the kids on a protest walkout. Zoey Hall (I DISMEMBER MAMA) is the hot-headed Paco. With Patty McCormack, Russ Bender as the discriminating coach and A. Martinez. The finale involving a junkyard and a claw machine is pretty good and tense. Extras at the school in Tuscon were paid with lottery tickets. The prize was a sports car.

THE BORROWER (1989 US) D: JOHN McNAUGHTON W: MASON NAGE/RICHARD FIRE P: STEVEN A. JONES/R.P. SEKON An alien exiled on Earth must change heads often to survive. It rips people’s heads off and wears them. At one point he uses a dog’s head. Sounds cool, but this unsuccessful mix of horror, comedy and drama was a disappointment after McNaughton’s HENRY (which was actually released after this). With Rae Daw Chong, Tom Towles, Antonio Fargas, Neil Guintoli, Bentley Mitchum and Madchen Amick.

BOSS See: BOSS NIGGER

THE BOSS (murder inferno; wipeout!; il boss) (1973 ITL) D/W: FERNANDO DI LEO An above average mob movie based on Peter McCurtin’s novel Il Mafioso and starring Henry Silva as a loyal assassin. The plot revolves around a gang war, and the rape and imprisonment of a ganglord’s daughter. Apparently many of the events are fact-based and true to life. It drags in parts and the quality is inconsistent, but there are choice moments for gangster movie completists, and Silva has a good role. With Richard Conte, Gianni Garko, Marino Mase, Howard Ross, Mario Piso, Vittorio Caprioli, Pier Paolo Capponi, Andrea Aureli, Pietro Ceccarelli, Salvatore Billa, Andrea Scotti and busy screenwriter Tonino Guerra. [Illus.]

BOSS NIGGER (boss; the black bounty killer) (1974 US) D: JACK ARNOLD W/P: FRED WILLIAMSON Fred Williamson and comical sidekick D’Urville Martin are a couple of bounty hunters who find on a dead body an invitation to be town sheriff. They decide to take the position, much to the chagrin of the racist residents, particularly corrupt mayor R.G. Armstrong and villainous gang leader William Smith. Enjoyable blaxploitation western if you don’t expect anything more than to just be entertained. With Barbara Leigh and Don “Red” Barry. On rerelease, the “nigger” in the opening theme tune was covered by a loud gunshot sample. Monster movie veteran Arnold also made BLACK EYE (1974) with Williamson.

THE BOSTON STRANGLER (1968 US) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: EDWARD ANHALT P: ROBERT FRYER Tony Curtis is superb as Albert DeSalvo, the man who was eventually convicted (later killed in jail) for a series of mutilation murders in Boston and neighbouring Massachusetts (some of which occurred after he was in custody, and experts now believe to have been the work of several different men). But first we are treated to an hour of superb, deadpan and blackly comic police procedural drama, starring Henry Fonda as an agent from the attorney general’s office, and detective George Kennedy searching for a suspect. The celebrated split-screen compositions and special photographic effects are much more than a gimmick, adding a stylistic framework for the first-class writing and brilliant acting. Some critics may argue that it has a clear sociopolitical agenda in regards to mental health, especially since the case didn’t hinge on split-personality disorder as much as the movie would suggest (or maybe the source material, a book by Gerold Frank, which I haven’t read). I don’t think this matters. With Sally Kellerman as the victim who got away, Jeff Corey, Mike Kellin, Jeanne Cooper, future BLACULA William Marshall, Murray Hamilton, Hurd Hatfield, William Hickey, Dana Elcar and an uncredited Alex Rocco. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear it was the work of an auteur given free reign at a major studio (Fox), but in fact talented high-profile hack Fleischer made it between DOCTOR DOLITTLE (1967) and CHE! (1968)!

BOTTOM FEEDER (bottom predator) (2006 CAN) D/W: RANDY DAUDLIN P: ROBERT WILSON/PATRICK CAMERON/HARVEY GLAZER A crippled, badlyburnt millionaire (Richard Fitzpatrick under a lot of latex) has a leukemia research scientist fatally wounded and left for dead to test an experimental cell regeneration serum (with which he has been injected). A small group (led by Tom Sizemore) are making a security sweep through a network of disused underground tunnels when they find that he has transformed into a hungry flesh-eating ratfaced beast. Director Daudlin usually works as a makeup and FX artist, so the refreshingly non-CGI gore (including a couple of decapitated heads) is not bad at all. But everything else sucks, and this was a chore to sit through. Characters include an Asian knife-fighting bodyguard and a homeless Rastafarian.

BOTTOM PREDATOR See: BOTTOM FEEDER

BOUND (1996 US) D/W: ANDY and LARRY WACHOWSKI P: STUART BOROS/ANDREW LAZAR Jennifer Tilly is gangster Joe Pantoliano’s girl who starts a lesbian affair with ex-con handywoman Gina Gershon in this stylish and pretty exciting thriller debut from the brothers who next made MATRIX. They plan to rip-off the mob to the tune of two million. Richard C. Sarafian (VANISHING POINT) appears to have his fingers cut-off by a plierwielding John P. Ryan. With Christopher Meloni and Peter Spellos.

THE BOUNTY HUNTERS See: ADIOS, SABATA

BOWERY AT MIDNIGHT (1942 US) D: WALLACE FOX W: GERALD SCHNITZER/SAM ROBINS (uncredited) P: SAM KATZMAN/JACK DIETZ Typically nonsensical Monogram filler has Bela Lugosi (in number five of nine such for Katzman) as a respected psychologist who moonlights as a kindlyseeming homeless mission owner in the Bowery. He hires down-on-their luck crooks from among the bums to commit jewel robberies, after which they are double-crossed and killed. He keeps the bodies in a basement graveyard, and maybe they return to life for revenge at the very end (it’s confusing in the most slapdash way). With Wheeler Oakman, Wanda McKay, John Archer, Dave O’Brien, Lew Kelly, Tom Neal, Vince Barnett, J. Farrell MacDonald, Bernard Gorcey, Eddie Hall and Bob Reeves. Bela’s role here is very similar to the one he played in the classic DARK EYES OF LONDON. In b/w and about an hour long. Bowery bums were turned into zombies in a 1941 Captain America strip in All Winner Comics #1 (reprinted in volume two of the excellent compilation, The Golden Age Of Marvel Comics).

BOXCAR BERTHA (1972 US) D: MARTIN SCORSESE W: JOYCE H. and JOHN W. CORRINGTON P: ROGER CORMAN Barbara Hershey is the title Depression-era drifter who gets involved in armed robbery among other things in this very average AIP quickie, based on Bertha Thompson and Ben L. Reitman’s book Sisters Of The Road. With John and David Carradine, Barry Primus, Bernie Casey and Vic Argo. Scorsese completists looking for an underappreciated gem will be disappointed, but the ending is very well done. The director (who also appears briefly) made the amazing MEAN STREETS next.

THE BOXER FROM SHANTUNG (killer from shantung; ma yong zhen; ma wing ching) (1972 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH D: PAO HISEH-LI W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW Chen Kuan Tai stars as a poor labourer from the country, dreaming of big things in Shanghai. He idolises gang boss David Chiang, and his fighting skills get him in the middle of a turf war between Chiang and Chiang Nan (whose right-hand men The Four Champions, including Ku Feng, lead a hatchet-wielding mob). Kuan Tai takes on all-comers in an epic final showdown at a teahouse, even though he has a hatchet jutting from his abdomen (!) at the end of this Shaw Bros classic. Two hours of masterful macho mayhem. With Cheng Kang-Yeh, Cheng Lee, Fung Ngai, Tin Ching, Wong Ching, Wong Chung, Fung Hak-On, Wang Kwang-Yu, Hsu Hsia, Bruce Tong, Wong Mei, Chan Chuen (who helped choreograph, along with Tang Chia, Liu Chia Liang and Lau Kar-Wing), Wong Pau-Gei, Dang Tak-Cheung, Yen Shi-Kwan, Hung Ling-Ling, Yuen Mau-Tzu, Shum Lo, Lee Chiu, Lee Man-Tai, Yi Fung, Mama Hung, Tung Choi-Bo, Chik Ngai-Hung, Chui Fat, Yuen Shun-Yi, Lau Jun-Fai, Wong Shu-Tong, San Kuai, Alan Chan Gwok-Kuen, Ho Pak-Kwong, Tino Wong, Sai Gwa-Paau, Cheung Chok-Chow, Lee Hang, Tsang Choh-Lam, Brandy Yuen, Phillip Ko-Fei, Yuen Cheung-Yan, Yuen Woo-Ping, Yuen Yat-Choh, Tam Bo, Law Keung, Ling Hon and Chu Yau-Ko. It was the first of several great collaborations between Cheh and Pao. John Woo and Godfrey Ho were assistant directors. Frankie Chan provides the score, including a great opening theme.

THE BOXER’S OMEN (mo) (1983 HK) D: KUEI CHIHHUNG W: SZE-TO ON P: MONA FONG A follow up to the same director’s BEWITCHED (1981). In Hong Kong, Wang Lung Wei (a former great kung fu movie villain) wins a kick-boxing match against Thai champ Bolo Yeung. But Bolo gets mad and paralyses him. Wei’s brother (star Phillip Ko Fei) seems to be some kind of gangster, who agrees to avenge his brother. He travels to Thailand to confront Bolo, and sets up a match between them three months down the line. Then he goes to a temple, which signs seem to have been leading him to, and a monk tells him a story seen in flashback. An abbot (Elvis Tsui) kills some man at an airport. He bubbles and melts, transforms into an old woman and a bat emerges from the corpse’s mouth. The abbot sacrifices the bat, and this causes a giant bat in an evil sorcerer’s lair (complete with demonic statues) to melt. The evil sorcerer quickly chews on a rat and spits the blood on the remains, resulting in a reanimated bat skeleton (the small one the abbot crucified). Quick-as-a-flash, the abbot smashes it to bits with a mallet. Now the evil sorcerer means business! He collects snake venom, fetches a skull (with eyeballs) from an urn of innards, takes off the lid of the skull, pours the venom into the brains and mixes it. Some (fake) spiders drink up the liquid. The evil sorcerer goes to the temple, crawls along the ceiling and drops the spiders on the abbot’s face, they pierce his eyes with poisoned needles and he dies, cursed and unable to achieve mortality. Back to now. Ko Fei goes to see the abbot’s body, which is cracked out of a huge urn. The corpse informs him that because they were both twins in a past-life, Ko Fei is also in danger unless he helps reverse the spell. For this he must become a monk. At first Ko Fei refuses and tries to leave the country, but while waiting for his flight he coughs up a big eel in the hotel bathroom, and decides to stay. After lots of endurance training, abstinence and praying, he’s ready for a showdown with the evil sorcerer. What follows is an amazing battle of magic involving reanimated crocodile skulls and a floating head with veins and tendons attached. Ko Fei wins, he and the abbot are saved and he returns to HK for his match with Bolo. However some of the dead sorcerer’s disciples are at work. They place a body inside a dead crocodile, sew it up and later remove the festering corpse. Underneath the maggots and flies lies a clean, naked woman. A paste made from chewed rotten chicken meat and fruits revives her, and long nails are attached to each finger. This has the effect of prolonging the original poisoned needle curse on the abbot and Ko Fei, so during the important match, Ko Fei goes temporarily blind and imagines maggots exiting his eye-sockets. He still beats Bolo though, but it’s back to Thailand for more training. Because Ko Fei can’t resist a bit of nooky upon his return to HK, he lies to Buddha about his lapse in abstinence and loses his powers. There’s only one thing for it, and he must head for Khatmandu in Nepal for… well, let’s just say that more amazing things happen in this incredible Shaw Bros horror fantasy filled with great locations, cheap but effective FX and some nudity for good measure. Simply unmissable!

BOXING HELENA (1992 US) D/W: JENNIFER CHAMBERS LYNCH W/P: PHILIPPE CALAND P: CARL MAZZOCONE Julian Sands is so obsessed with Sherilyn Fenn that, after a car crash results in her legs being amputated, he removes her arms as well and keeps her on a pedestal at her mansion. This emotionally overwrought erotic psychodrama has a nice concept but pretty much deserves its bad reputation. Even the most forgiving viewer will hate the cheat ending. With Bill Paxton, Kurtwood Smith and Art Garfunkel. The feature debut from David Lynch’s daughter made headlines because original star Kim Basinger was sued for backing out of the role at the last minute.

A BOY AND HIS DOG (1975 US) D/W: L.Q. JONES W: WAYNE CRUISE TURNER (uncredited) P: ALVY MOORE Don Johnson roams post-apocalyptic Earth with his telepathic dog Blood in this effective and memorable Harlan Ellison adaptation. Jason Robards and producer Moore appear as the rulers of a bizarre underground Utopia who want Johnson for their sperm bank. With Charles McGraw and Jones, a veteran actor who was once part of Peckinpah’s stock cast.

BOYCOTT (baykot) (1985 IRAN) D/W: MOHSEN MAKHMALBAF Famous Iranian director Makhamalbaf’s fourth feature is an interesting, semi-autobiographical mixture of exploitation movie thrills and politics, and as non-didactic as you may expect from a real-life (confused) survivor of a tyrannical regime. Majid Majidi (who himself became a respected director) is a leftist political activist in pre-Islamic revolution Terhan, who’s caught and detained after a secret police bust (and shoot-out), and is more-orless tricked into confessing when they threaten to beat his wife and child. After a brief escape (and car chase), he’s put in a scary prison with other former comrades who beat him up for doubting the cause, and expect him to die (by execution) as a martyr. An animated stop-motion nightmare sequence sees his face devoured by ants. Islamic extremists claimed that the director knowingly coerced several real-life political prisoners into acting for the film (it was shot in one of the most notorious lock-ups in the country), and was complicit in their subsequent executions.

THE BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE (1976 US) D: RANDAL KLEISER W: DOUGLAS DAY STEWART/ JOSEPH MORGENSTERN P: JOEL THURM/CINDY DUNNE In one of the more memorable “disease of the week” tv movie melodramas from the 70s John Travolta is a high school teen who has no natural immune system and has spent his whole life inside a plastic cubicle with a controlled environment. He falls in love with the girl next door and goes to school in a spacesuit. With Ralph Bellamy, P.J. Soles, Anne Ramsey and an appearance from Buzz Aldrin. Aaron Spelling was an executive producer. Based on a true story, it was later remade as the comedy BUBBLE BOY.

BOY MEETS GIRL (dungeons) (1994 UK) D/W/P: RAY BRADY W: JIM CROSBIE P: CHRIS READ A man is drugged by a girl he has picked up in a bar and wakes up tied to a dentist’s chair in a dark basement. She humiliates, abuses and tortures him (his hand is cooked in a microwave) until he’s finally killed. This pretentious (chapter titles, “meaningful” dialogue) rubbish was refused a video release in its own country, but nothing is graphically shown. It features one of the most pathetic attempts at a trip sequence I’ve ever seen.

THE BOYS (1997 AUSL) D: ROWAN WOODS W: STEPHEN SEWELL P: JOHN MAYNARD Excon David Wenham returns to his family home completely unreformed, causing trouble for and inflicting emotional (and physical) pain on his no-hope brothers and ever-loving mother. Effective, gritty slice-of-life look at the bleak existence of the underpaid and underprivileged lower-working class in Sydney. With Toni Collette.

BOYS BEWARE (1961 US) This b/w 10 mins Sid Davis class ed. film has several examples of teen boys in dangerous situations with creepy, friendly homosexual predators. These paedophile rapists are never identified as anything other than homosexual, so one assumes that the message is that all gays are “mentally ill” and “sick”. More mind-boggling propaganda that warped at least one generation. Davis (who plays here the “man from the public restroom”) also made GIRLS BEWARE and many, many others.

THE BOYS CLUB (1995 CAN) D: JOHN FAWCETT W: PETER WELLINGTON/DOUG SMITH P: TIM O’BRIEN/ GREG DUMMETT Three 14-year-old boys (including FINAL DESTINATION’s Devon Sewa) hang out at a secret den in the woods during a teachers strike. Wounded Chris Penn seeks shelter there, claiming to be an undercover cop who’s discovered a conspiracy inside the system. But their new secret friend becomes increasingly enigmatic and sinister. It’s a pretty engaging thriller with some nice touches and great acting from the teen cast (and an intense Penn). With Nicolas Campbell and Julian Richings.

THE BOYS FROM BRAZIL (1978 US UK) D: FRANKLIN J. SCHAFFNER W: HEYWOOD GOULD P: MARTIN RICHARDS/STANLEY O’TOOLE Laurence Olivier is an ageing Jewish Nazi hunter on the trail of neo-Nazis, helmed by Gregory Peck and James Mason, involved in Aryan genetic cloning experiments. This so-called classic is pretty dull stuff, based on Ira Levin’s novel. Neither particularly exploitative or interesting. I think I’d rather watch THEY SAVED HITLER’S BRAIN again instead. With Lilli Palmer, Denhom Elliott, Steve Guttenberg, Michael Gough, Prunella Scales, Uta Hagen, Rosemary Harris, John Dehner, Bruno Ganz, Linda Hayden, Walter Gotell, Wolfgang Press, Joachin Hansen and Gunter Mesinger.

THE BOYS FROM BROOKLYN See: BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA

THE BOYS NEXT DOOR (big shots; blind rage) (1984 US) D: PENELOPE SPHEERIS W: GLEN MORGAN/ JAMES WONG P: KEITH RUBENSTEIN/SANDY HOWARD This begins with various voices professing surprise at the violent behaviour of such quiet types, while a roster of known serial killers and rapists (and their crimes) is displayed. Loser high school graduates Maxwell Caulfield and Charlie Sheen get kicked out of a party and decide to take a “vacation” by driving to LA and partying before joining the nine to five grind on Monday. Sheen is the slightly smarter, good humoured one who sticks by the sociopathic, angry Caulfield (from GREASE 2!) as he beats up a “camel jockey” at a gas station, drives at high speed with a blonde on the bonnet of his car, throws a glass beer bottle at an old lady’s head and shoots a gay man dead. Hank Garrett and Christopher McDonald are the cops on the case, and Patti D’Arbanville gets her neck broken. This very well-scripted and extremely well-acted movie is highly effective, and one of the most underrated of the 80s (along with Spheeris’ earlier SUBURBIA). With Moon Zappa and Helen Brown.

BOYZ’N’THE HOOD (1991 US) D/W: JOHN SINGLETON P: STEVE NICOLAIDES Incredibly popular look at black gang culture in suburban LA deserves its reputation as a classic of its kind (particularly as Singleton was only 23 when he made it), but is not as tough, gritty and uncompromising as some claim. It will be enjoyed more if you expect it to pull its punches sometimes, in fact it benefits from its restraint. Cuba Gooding Jr. stars, with Ice Cube, Angela Bassett, Regina King, Nia Long, Yolanda Whittaker, Morris Chestnut, Laurence Fishburne and Singleton. BABY BOY (2001) was the follow up.

BRADDOCK: MISSING IN ACTION III (1988 US) D: AARON NORRIS W: JAMES BRUNER/CHUCK NORRIS P: YORAN GLOBUS/MENHAEM GOLAN Chuck Norris thinks that his wife was killed during the fall of Saigon but years later he discovers that she’s still alive and about to be executed. And he has a son. It’s time to go back to ’nam again. Chuck helps a bunch of kids escape a POW camp in this somewhat lighter sequel directed by his brother. With Keith David and Yehuda Efroni. Cannon at its weakest.

THE BRAIN (ein toter sucht seinen morder) (1962 UK W.GER) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W: ROBERT STEWART/ PHILIP MACKIE P: RAYMOND STROSS The British version of Curt Siodmak’s Donovan’s Brain. A scientist with a lab in his kitchen puts the brain of a dying tycoon in a tank following a plane crash. He develops a telepathic link with it, and solves a muder mystery. Pretty slow-moving, with a tenuous sci-fi link. Bernard Lee (M in James Bond films) has a substantial role. With Anne Heywood, Peter Van Eyck, Cecil Parker, Jack MacGowran, Hans Nielsen, Miles Malleson, Dieter Borsche, Allan Cuthbertson and Bryan Pringle. In b/w.

THE BRAIN (1971) See: BRAIN OF BLOOD

THE BRAIN (1988 CAN US) D: EDWARD HUNT W: BARRY PEARSON P: ANTHONY KRAMREITHER An intelligent, troublemaking teen (Tom Breznehan) is sent for therapy at the Psychological Research Institute. The director there is David Gale (RE-ANIMATOR). Gale also hosts his own popular local tv show (which is about to go national) and controls his viewers with a big floating telepathic brain that can cause hallucinations. The brain also has eyes, teeth, an extending tongue and “tail” (spinal column). It growls, eats people whole and appears to be growing. This is a fun B movie concept and Mark Williams’ FX creation is great, but you’ll wish that the script was better and the direction tighter. With Cyndy (Cynthia) Preston and George Buza.

THE BRAIN (1998) See: TEEN MONSTER

THE BRAIN CREATURE See: MIND KILLER

BRAIN DAMAGE (elmer) (1987 US) D/W: FRANK HENENLOTTER P: EDGAR IEVINS Second feature from the director of BASKET CASE is a classic. Rich Herbst has an animated parasite called Elmer (voiced by John Zacherle of Dinner With Drac 7” fame) living on the back of his neck. It injects an addictive juice directly into his brain that causes hallucinations (great trip scenes). In return Herbst must keep Elmer supplied with fresh brains! Outrageously funny and extremely well made on a very low budget, it’s a must see. Duane and Belial from the BASKET CASE series make a cameo appearance on a subway train. Jim Muro (STREET TRASH) was the Steadicam Operator.

BRAIN DEAD (paranoia) (1989 US) D/W: ADAM SIMON W: CHARLES BEAUMONT P: JULIE CORMAN Bill Pullman stars as a neurologist who’s blackmailed by his corporate “friend” Bill Paxton (who says “the universe is a wet dream”) to operate on a paranoid accountant (a very hyper Bud Cort) who has numbers important to Paxton’s company locked in his head. Then the movie blasts into a confusing series of dream sequences, flashbacks, conflicting reality switches, while the viewer bounces along highly entertained. It may not always work, but this trip movie has some nice ideas, fun characters and doesn’t take itself too seriously (people walk around with brains in big glass jars that are obviously going to drop). With Patricia Charbonneau as Paxton’s wife, Nicholas Pryor, George Kennedy, Lee Arenberg, Willie Garson and Brent Hinkley. Beaumont (who wrote classic TWILIGHT ZONE scripts) had already been dead over 20 years before this was made.

BRAINDEAD (dead alive) (1992 NZ) D/W: PETER JACKSON W: STEPHEN SINCLAIR/FRANCES WALSH P: JIM BOOTH Jackson’s third feature after BAD TASTE and MEET THE FEEBLES is a very funny slapstick gore comedy. Timothy Balme is Lionel, a mother-dominated young man in 1957. His mum is bitten by a Sumatran rat monkey at the zoo. Her skin begins to peel off (Lionel tries gluing it back on) and she eats a dog. After she eventually dies, she returns as a zombie and infects others so Lionel ends up with a basement full of zombies (including a superstrong undead baby). By the end of the film it becomes a house full of zombies which Lionel lays waste to with a lawnmower in a climax that has become the zenith of slapstick-gore cinema (don’t rent the cut version). Fun, inoffensive carnage, with Bill Ralston, Forrest J. Ackerman, Jackson and a kung fu priest (“I kick arse for the Lord”).

THE BRAIN EATERS (1958 US) D: BRUNO VESOTA W: GORDON URQUHART P: ED NELSON Minimal, slow-moving but somewhat interesting oddity was (unofficially) based on Robert A. Heinlein’s The Puppet Masters (Heinlein sued and won, and the story was later filmed under that title). A cone-shaped UFO in small-town Illinois turns out to have burrowed up from inner-Earth. Leech-like parasites turn humans into violent, mindless zombies by attaching themselves to the back of their heads. An expedition inside the claustrophobic, serpentine tunnels of the cone reveal a very old man (Leonard Nimoy!) sitting in a room full of smoke and talking about “the elders” (Lovecraft fans take note). Ed Nelson stars as a scientist, with Cornelius Keefe. Roger Corman was the executive producer of this (62 b/w mins) AIP release. VeSota also directed THE FEMALE JUNGLE, INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES (1962) and (maybe) DAUGHTER OF HORROR.

THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS (1958 US) D: NATHAN H. JURAN (HERTZ) W: RAY BUFFUM P: JACQUES MARQUETTE The same year as THE SEVENTH VOYAGE OF SINBAD and the infamous ATTACK OF THE 5O ft WOMAN, Juran/Hertz made this equally memorable classic of it’s kind for Howco International. John Agar stars in his signature role as a nuclear scientist possessed by a giant floating brain (with eyes) who wants world domination. Under its power Agar can cause atomic explosions by just looking at things (with his weird eyes). He knocks planes out of the sky, kills people and even destroys a mock-up town in an atomic testing area. Another (good) brain possesses his dog (!) so it can keep an eye on him. The evil brain (which is cool considering it’s just a balloon on a string; thank veteran Jack Pierce) is finally offed by an axe in the abrupt, anticlimactic ending. But still, Buffum’s outrageous script makes for a compelling piece of almost surreal sci-fi weirdness. Note that the cave entrance (in Bronson Canyon) where the brain is first seen is also where the ROBOT MONSTER hung out. I plan to visit that cave one day (in my favourite diving helmet). With Thomas Browne Henry and Ken Terrell.

THE BRAINIAC (el baron del terror) (1961 MEX) D: CHANO URUETA W: FEDERICO CURIEL/ANTONIO ORELLANA/ALFREDO TORRES PORTILLO P: ABEL SALAZAR Of all the many Mexican gems that K. Gordon Murray released in English-language dubs, this is probably the most interesting. In 1661, a baron (producer Salazar) is tried by a grand inquisition for witchcraft and burnt at the stake. Before he dies he curses the townsfolk and vows to return in 300 years. It’s 1961, a comet lands and the baron emerges from the crater. He has a pulsating head, weird looking pincer hands and a long tongue that sucks out his victims’ brains (or “sopholic matter”). He can change his identity to his first kill at will, can disappear and reappear, while a light shines on his face when he hypnotises people. He keeps brains in a casket and in one surprising scene eats some with a spoon! The heroes are a couple of young astronomers in love. The cops don’t have a clue. The anticlimactic ending and terrible dubbing brings it down a few notches, but don’t neglect yourself the pleasure of this atmospheric b/w oddity. With Adriadna Welter, René Cardona, Ruben Rojo, Luis Aragon, Victor Valezquez, Ofelia Guilmain, David Silva, German Robles, Mauricio Garces, Curiel, Carlos Nieta and Francisco Regiuera.

THE BRAIN MACHINE (the e-box; gray matter; grey matter; mind warp; time warp) (1972 US) D/W: JOY N. HOUCK JR. W: THOMAS HAL PHILLIPS/CHRISTIAN GARRISON P: STEPHEN C. BURNHAM In this odd little movie directed by the son of the guy who ran Howco pictures, four candidates are chosen to take part in a rigorous scientific experiment and taught to think “truth is everything”. Following a polygraph test, a preacher (top-billed James Best), a ’nam vet, another guy (tv’s Major Dad star Gerald McRaney, kind of the star) and a dumb woman get inside a room called The E-Box. This is supposed to simulate overpopulation somehow and has moving walls that slowly close in on them. It’s all very confusing, but I think the military want the information culled from the experiment and push ahead for data despite a malfunctioning computer that results in the test subjects being threatened. They want to understand mortality. McRaney (who has the choice piece of dialogue, “You’ll have to kill me before I die”) was also in Houck Jr.’s NIGHT OF BLOODY HORROR (1969) and WOMEN AND BLOODY TERROR (1970). [Illus.]

BRAIN OF BLOOD (the creature’s revenge; the brain; the undying brain) (1971 US) D/P: AL ADAMSON W: JOE VAN RODGERS/KANE W. LYNN P: SAM SHERMAN Apparently after losing out to AIP while bidding for the US rights to distribute BEAST OF THE YELLOW NIGHT, Sherman and his Hemisphere pictures were without one half of a Filipino horror double bill (very popular in drive-ins at the time). Sherman and Adamson decided to emulate the Eddie Romero style and made a “Filipino” movie themselves, completely on American soil. Nowadays most people probably wouldn’t make the Philippines connection, but it’s undeniably an Al Adamson film! After the president of Kaleed dies, his loyal assistant Mohammed (Zandor Vorkov, who played Dracula in DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN) has him delivered (wrapped in tin-foil!) to mad scientist Kent Taylor. After a series of complications, the brain (which is attached to electrodes and put under a plastic dome on a dish) is transferred to the body of Gor (John Bloom wearing an obvious latex mask), a childlike, retarded giant who has been disfigured with car battery acid (in a hilarious flashback scene). This was not a very good idea. Other characters are Taylor’s dwarf assistant (Angelo Rossitto), the late president’s concerned wife (Regina Taylor) and a young doctor who rescues and falls in love with a woman chained in the basement (“blood supply”). With Reed Hadley and a very fake-looking spider.

BRAINSCAN (1994 CAN US UK) D: JOHN FLYNN W: ANDREW KEVIN WALKER/BRIAN OWENS P: MICHAEL ROY Edward Furlong is a reclusive kid who plays a hypnotic new virtual reality CD-ROM game (advertised in Fangoria). He kills people in the game and they wind up dead in real-life. The wisecracking Trickster is responsible. Frank Langella is the investigating police detective. The cheat ending gives it away as a waste of time. Screenwriter Walker went on to script better things like SE7EN and 8MM, while Flynn made better films like THE OUTFIT years ago. With Charles Powell, Victor Ertmanis, David Hemblen, Vlasta Vrana, Claire Riley, Paul Stewart, Richard Zeman and Steve Johnson FX.

BRAIN SNATCHERS (1994) See: ROBERT A. HEINLEIN’S THE PUPPETMASTERS

THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN’T DIE (the head that wouldn’t die) (1959 US) D/W: JOSEPH GREEN W/P: REX CARLTON The only trouble with THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN’T DIE is that it’s developed such a cult reputation over the years that it’s liable to disappoint those expecting to be blown away. It’s not such an overwhelmingly sleazy movie (especially for a modern audience), but if you appreciate it on a minimal level and don’t expect to be amazed, then you will really enjoy this classic of its kind and will understand why so many people praise it so. Virginia Leith is surgeon Herb Evers’ girlfriend who ends up as a living head in a tray on a table attached to electrodes. You have to be quick to spot Sammy Petrillo as a photographer during Evers’ “art” class snapping a bikini-clad model liable to end up as a spare part for Leith’s new perfect body under construction. But the show stopper is the Pinhead monster (“Jewish giant” Eddie Carmel in a great monster suit) escaping at the end and setting the lab on fire. You may recognise the monster from BASKET CASE sequels or Ramones live shows. BRAIN is available in several different cuts with varying amounts of (minimal) gore (and there’s the typically irritating, disrespectful Mystery Science Theater 3000 version). Of course it’s best seen uncut, but if that’s unavailable, see it anyway.

BRAIN WASH See: DISTURBING BEHAVIOUR

BRAINWAVES (shadow of death) (1982 US) D/W/P: ULLI LOMMEL Suzanna Love gets hit by a car, falls into a coma and is revived by a groundbreaking computer process (brain frequencies from a murder victim are “transplanted”). She also inherits memories of the murder and is stalked by a killer in this failed Hitchcock-style thriller. Tony Curtis (a crack addict at the time) isn’t in it much as the unethical doctor who invents the Clavius Process. With Paul Wilson, Corinne Aplen-Wahl, Vera Miles and Keir Dullea as the concerned husband.

BRAM STOKER’S COUNT DRACULA (the nights of dracula; il conte dracula; count dracula; il demone nero; dracula ‘71; nachts; wenri dracula envacht; el conde dracula) (1970 SPN W.GER ITL UK) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO W/P: “PETE WELBECK” (HARRY ALAN TOWERS) W: MILO G. CUCCIA/CARLO FADDA/AUGUSTO FINNOCHI/DIETMAR BEHNKE Franco’s name is not usually associated with quality, but here’s proof that when he cools his jets and focuses he can make something decent. In fact you could even go so far as to say this is one of the finest and most faithful adaptions of Bram Stoker’s novel. Christopher Lee is the Count (with a moustache, just like in the book). Klaus Kinski is Renfield. Fred Williams is Jonathan Harker. Herbert Lom is Van Helsing. Paul Muller is Dr. Seward and Soledad Miranda is Lucy Westerna. With Jack Taylor, Teresa Gimpera, Jesus Puente and, of course, Franco himself.

BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA (1992 US) D/P: FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA W: JAMES V. HART P: FRED FUCHS/CHARLES MULVEHILL This bigbudget hit version is a real mess and pretty bad if you get to thinking about it, but at least it moves and is more entertaining than MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN or WOLF (the other horror standard reworkings made around the same time). Gary Oldman is a hammy Count Dracula (and Vlad the Impaler in a prologue), Tom Waits (!) is Renfield, Anthony Hopkins is Van Helsing and Keanu Reeves’ acting is absolutely atrocious. With Winona Ryder, Sadie Frost, Richard E. Grant, Bill Campbell, Cary Elwes, Monica Bellucci, Michaela Bercu, Adam Kendrick and Diamanda Galas. Two things in its favour are Cramps founder Lux Interior’s voice used for Dracula’s scream and Coppola’s good use of silent movie FX techniques (as opposed to digital FX). After this, more crappy straight-to-video releases had “Bram Stoker’s…” in the title.

BRAM STOKER’S LEGEND OF THE MUMMY (bram stoker’s the mummy; mummy) (1997 US) D/W: JEFFREY OBROW W: LARS HAUGLIE/JOHN PENNEY P: HAREL GOLDTSEIN/BILL BARNETT A historian is summoned to the mansion of Lloyd Bochner, a rich old Egyptologist in a coma, by his daughter (Amy Locane). Apparently there’s some kind of curse on him. Mark Lindsay Chapman dies by cockroaches and Louis Gossett Jr. is an eccentric who seems to know what’s going on. This bad mummy movie (with a barely seen mummy) is very dull. With Aubrey Morris and Victoria Tennant. The same story (The Jewel Of The Seven Stars) was previously filmed as THE AWAKENING and BLOOD FROM THE MUMMY’S TOMB.

BRAM STOKER’S SHADOWBUILDER (1997 US CAN) D: JAMIE DIXON W: MICHAEL STOKES Here’s another shit horror film with Stoker’s name attached to it (it’s loosely based on a short story of his). The Devil (manifest as a fast moving black shadow) gets loose to destroy a “pure” boy in a small town. Its presence makes the locals act crazy and people it touches turn to dried up zombies (well, one). The best thing about it is a typically intense Michael Rooker (who should get better roles) as an unorthodox priest with laser-guided guns! With Leslie Hope, Andrew Jackson, Tony Todd and Kevin Zegers.

BRAM STOKER’S THE MUMMY See: BRAM STOKER’S LEGEND OF THE MUMMY

BRANDED TO KILL (koroshi no rakuin) (1967 JPN) D: SEIJUN SUZUKI W: HACHIRO GURUYU/ TAKEO KIMURI/CHUSEI SONE/ATSUSHI YAMATOYA P: KANEO IWAI/TAKIKO MIZUNOE “The Phantom No. 1” wants hitman Jo Shishido (who loves the smell of cooking rice) dead after he fucks up a job. Bizarre, somewhat pretentious b/w crime movie has some good black comedy but it’s forced anti-commercial sensibilities irritate. It follows the superior TOKYO DRIFTER, both of which led to Suzuki being fired from Nikkatsu. With Annu Mari.

BRANNIGAN (joe battle) (1975 UK) D: DOUGLAS HICKOX W: CHRISTOPHER TRUMBO/MICHAEL BUTLER/ WILLIAM P. McGIVERN/WILLIAM NORTON P: ARTHUR GARDENER/JULES LEVY Chicago cop John Wayne goes to London to catch fleeing criminal John Vernon. But Vernon gets kidnapped. Non-toogritty but enjoyable cops’n’robbers caper features a good car chase (jumping the London Bridge) and a fun cast. With Richard Attenborough, Judy Geeson, Mel Ferrer, Ralph Meeker, Kathryn Leigh-Scott, Lesley-Anne Downe, Brian Glover, Tony Robinson, Don Henderson, Daniel Pilon, James Booth and Jack Watson. It would also have had Tom Laughlin, but his scenes were deleted. I wish Vernon had more screen time, though. Hickox also made THEATRE OF BLOOD.

BRAT (brother) (1997 RUS) D/W: ALEKSEI BALABANOV P: SERGEI SELYANOV After being discharged from the army, Sergei Bodrov Jr. leaves his mother’s home to search for his brother in St. Petersburg (formerly Leningrad). He helps his brother (Viktor Sukhorukov) assassinate some immigrant Chechen gangsters. This is a pretty illuminating and highly enjoyable peek at post-Soviet Russia in the early 90s. It was also a hit. With Yuri Kuznetsov. The charismatic Bodrov Jr. makes a great star, but alas he died in an avalanche in 2002. Prior to his death he did return in a more self-consciously cartoonish sequel set in America. Balabanov also made the great, very different OF FREAKS AND MEN between them.

THE BRAVE (1997 US) D/W: JOHNNY DEPP W: PAUL McCUDDEN/D.B. DEPP P: CHARLES EVANS JR./CARROLL KEMP Depp’s directorial debut is based on a novel by Gregory McDonald (who wrote the Fletch novels). He also stars as a broke, drunken American Indian living on a garbage dump trailer park. Filled with guilt about his wife and children’s living conditions, he sells his life to a rich cripple (Marlon Brando talking rubbish in a cameo) who wants to make a snuff movie. Forgetting the exploration of the snuff myth was a very bad idea. Instead this dreary, pretentious (of course) drama (with occasional good bits) concentrates on Depp’s last days (where the idiot spends too much of his lousy $50,000 pay). Waste of a nice cast, which includes Marshall Bell, Frederic Forrest, Max Perlich, Luis Guzman, Clarence Williams III and Iggy Pop. Apparently, Depp (whose brother co-wrote the screenplay) has had plans to recut it.

THE BRAVE ARCHER (kung fu warlord; sau diu ying hung chuen; she diao ying xing chuan) (1977 HK) D: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: MONA FONG Louis Cha/Jin Young’s epic novel Tale Of Eagle Shooting Heroes has been turned into a tv miniseries trilogy starting with THE LEGEND OF THE CONDOR HEROES (1982), and elements have turned up in KUNG FU CULT MASTER, the SWORDSMAN trilogy, ASHES OF TIME (1994), THE LEGENDARY SWORDSMAN (2000) tv series and the spoof THE EAGLE SHOOTING HEROES (1993). But before all that, Cheh, Kuan and the Shaw Bros churned out a consistently excellent quartet (this is the first part) that has good kung fu (choreographed by Robert Tai and Lee Ka Ting) and also works as an absorbing human and historical drama without the action. It’s star-studded, too: Alexander Fu Sheng, Phillip Kwok, Tie Niu, Danny Lee, Lee Yi Min, Ku Feng, Dick Wei, Lu Feng, Chan Shen, Lam Fai Wang, Jamie Luk Kim Ming, Goo Goo Chung, Kara Hui Yin-Hung, Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Wong Lik, Choi Wang, Fan Mei Sheng, Chiang Sheng and Stephen Yip. The only cautionary advice I have is that it’s not a good example for someone just starting to get interested in kung fu cinema. Otherwise, highly recommended.

BREAKDOWN (1997 US) D/W: JONATHAN MOSTOW W: SAM MONTGOMERY P: MARTHA and DINO DE lAURENTIS Kurt Russell and Kathleen Quinlan are driving cross-country when their car cuts out on them in the middle of the desert. She hitches a ride to the nearest diner to call for help. He fixes the car and goes after her to find she’s disappeared. J.T. Walsh leads a ruthless gang of kidnappers who want his money. It copies elements from THE VANISHING and THE GAME, but is not as entertaining as either. With M.C. Gainey, Rex Linn and Jack McGee.

BREAKER! BREAKER! (cindy jo and the texas turnaround) (1977 US) D/P: DON HULETTE W: TERRY CHAMBERS After playing the small part of expert fighter in several films, and retiring as the World Middleweight Karate Champion, Chuck Norris got to star for the first time as the hero in a trucking movie! He uses martial arts after his younger brother is taken prisoner in a backroad town (where detoured truckers end up with their rigs scrapped and parts sold). Suffice to say, this ain’t no THE CARS THAT ATE PARIS. Jack Nance has a substantial part, with George Murdock. A mid-quality Norris film that most people would probably not enjoy much.

BREAKFAST WITH HUNTER (2003 US) D: WAYNE EWING Terrible puff piece documentary on an old, out-of-touch, cantankerous and self-congratulatory Hunter S. Thompson, acting like a caricature of himself as Hollywood types praise his going through the motions, circa 1997 (around the time Terry Gilliam’s FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS was in preproduction). Poor Alex Cox and Tod Davies discover just how unreasonable he can be when they go to his home to try to discuss their script with him. Also appearing are Benicio Del Toro, Johnny Depp, John Cusack, Gilliam, Ralph Steadman, P.J. O’Rourke, George Plimpton, Christina Ricci and Harry Dean Stanton. A depressing experience.

BREAKING NEWS (daai si gin; da shi jian) (2004 HK) D: JOHNNIE TO W: YIP TIN SHING/CHAN HING KAI Mainland Chinese crooks in Hong Kong gun down some cops in the street during a bank robbery. TV news footage of the incident results in a public outcry against police power (or lack of). It’s Kelly Chen’s idea to win back popularity for the police department by allowing total media coverage of the hunt for the gang, busy holding Lam Suet’s family hostage in an apartment block. Fast-paced and engaging, but it becomes obvious midway through that the potentially intriguing (not to mention satirical) concept is not going anywhere. The result is an only just above average actioner. Nick Cheung co-stars and Simon Yam has fuck all to do. With Richie Ren and Hui Siu-Hung.

BREAKING POINT See: ROAD RAGE

BREAKING THE WAVES (1996 DEN SWE FRA NETH NOR) D/W: LARS VON TRIER W: PETER ASMUSSEN/ DAVID PIRIE (uncredited) P: PETER AALBAEK JENSEN/ UIBEKE WINDELOU Emily Watson is a simple Scottish islander who marries an outsider (Stellan Skarsgård) to her old-fashioned and deeply religious community. After he’s paralysed in an accident on an oil rig, she sleeps with other men in the belief that it will make him better. This extremely pretentious two and-a-half hour drama (filmed in English) has glam rock segue chapters and will undoubtedly irritate most viewers. But others may find it quietly rewarding. With Katrin Cartlidge, Jean Marc-Barr, Udo Kier as a bald rapist and Roef Ragaas.

BREAKOUT See: MARKED MAN

BREAKTHROUGH See: MILITIA

BREATHING FIRE (1991 US) D: LOU KENNEDY/ BRANDON DE WILDE/RICK MITCHELL (uncredited) W/P: RAYMOND MAHONEY W: WAYNE JOHN/“DELON TANNERS” (TAN TAO LIANG) Jonathan Ke Quan (the Asian kid in THE GOONIES) is one of two brothers whose father is a bank robber in this pretty bad action movie aimed at teens. For some reason the imprint of a key is kept in a pizza! Bolo Yeung (who unfortunately has a scene in drag) is a villain. And is that Angelo Rossitto (“George Rossitta”) with a beard in a bar (the year of his death)? “Delon Tanners” is Flash Legs himself.

THE BREED (2001 US) D: MICHAEL OBLOWITZ W: CHRISTIAN N. GAGE/RUTH FLETCHER P: JIM BURKE/ KELLI KONOP/BRAD KREVOY/ADAM RICHMAN In an Orwellian “near future”, a human cop (Bookeem Woodbine) and a good vampire cop (Adrian Paul from HIGHLANDER: ENDGAME) team up to catch renegade bad vampires who prefer real blood over the synthetic stuff (an idea directly copied from BLADE, but goes back to SUNDOWN: THE VAMPIRE IN RETREAT). Lazy scriptwriting and lacklustre direction help send this clichéd, irritating and outdated attempt at hip postmodernism straight down the toilet. With Bai Ling, James Booth, Ming Lo and Brandy Miller. Avoid.

A BREED APART (1984 US) D: PHILIPPE MORA W: PAUL WHEELER P: JOHN DALY/DEREK GIBSON Dull movie from the director of THE HOWLING 2 and 3 has fanatic environmentalist Rutger Hauer protecting rare eagle eggs on a North Carolina island. Donald Pleasence (renting himself out for crap but giving it his all again) is a millionaire who hires Powers Boothe to steal them. With Brion James and Kathleen Turner.

A BREED APART (perfect assassins; double reaction) (1998 US) D: H. GORDON BOOS W: JOHN PENNEY P: JULIA VERDIN Andrew McCarthy is an FBI agent who helps Portia De Rossi find her missing brother in Mexico. Kidnapped when he was a child, he’s now a conditioned assassin. Nick Mancuso is the mad doctor/psychologist responsible. Boring. With Robert Patrick, Craig Hosking and Philip Tan.

BREEDERS (1986 US) D/W: TIM KINCAID P: CYNTHIA DE PAUL After the dull BAD GIRLS’ DORMITORY, ex-gay porn director Kincaid (“Joe Gage”) made this very bad but fun sci-fi horror feature. Big green humanoid/insect monsters (with large penises) rape female virgin fashion models in NYC. A surprising, memorable final scene in their underground lair has many girls bathing in semen. With some incredibly bad acting and Ed French FX (French also appears). Charles Band was an uncredited executive producer. If you like this, see also Kincaid’s MUTANT HUNT from the same year.

BREEDERS (alien from darkness) (1996 UK) D/W: PAUL MATTHEWS P: ELIZABETH MATTHEWS At an all-girls college in Boston (actually the Isle of Man), a meteor crashes, bringing with it a pathetic green reptilian monster that attacks the Brit cast (who deserve it for their terrible American accents). Half-assed sci-fi horror bore is cheap, tacky and sleep-inducing. Stars Samantha Janus, a Brit tv sex symbol who made it an undeserved rental hit.

THE BRIDE (1967) See: THE OLD MAN’S BRIDE

THE BRIDE (1985 UK US) D: FRANC RODDAM W: LLOYD FONIVELLE P: VICTOR DRAH Here’s a remake of THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN from the director of QUADROPHENIA that’s worth avoiding. If the idea of Sting as Dr. Frankenstein doesn’t make you cringe though, you might like it (it does have its supporters). Jennifer Beals is the bride and Clancy Brown is the monster. With Quentin Crisp, Cary Elwes, Phil Daniels, Timothy Spall, Anthony Higgins, Tony Haygarth, Alexei Sayle and Veruschka von Lehndorff.

THE BRIDE AND THE BEAST (queen of the gorillas) (1957 US) D/W/P: ADRIAN WEISS W: ED WOOD JR. P: LOUIS WEISS Ed Wood’s gift for unique dialogue permeates this odd b/w jungle cheapie, loaded with stock footage (from BRIDE OF THE GORILLA and the 1948 Sabu flick MAN-EATER OF KUMAON). A newlywed hunter keeps a (man-in-asuit) gorilla in a cage in the basement. His sexy wife seems somehow attracted to Spanky the gorilla. Hypnotism reveals that she once was a gorilla! The loopy ending has her running away with her primate lover while on safari in Africa! Les Baxter provides music.

BRIDE OF CHUCKY (1998 US) D: RONNY YU W: DON MANCINI P: DAVID KIRSCHNER/GRACE GILROY Jennifer Tilly is the ex-girlfriend of Charles Lee Ray/Chucky (the voice of Brad Dourif, as usual) who brings the titular doll back to life. She turns into a doll herself and the couple go on a killing spree which is blamed on a runaway married couple (one half of which is Katherine Heigl) with whom they hitch a ride. Despite some irritating, tired references to other movies, this is way more entertaining than the earlier two parts. With John Ritter, Alexis Arquette, Lawrence Dane, Vince Corazza, Kathy Najimy and Sandi Stahlbrand. The ending is a set-up for THE SEED OF CHUCKY (2004). The Hong Kong director of THE BRIDE WITH WHITE HAIR also made FREDDY VS. JASON.

THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935 US) D: JAMES WHALE W: JOHN BALDERSTON/WILLIAM HURLBUT P: CARL LAEMMLE JR. This incredible sequel to FRANKENSTEIN (working titles were The Return of Frankenstein and Frankenstein Lives Again!) opens with Mary Shelley (Elsa Lanchester) discussing her novel with Percy Shelley (Douglas Walton) and Lord Byron (Gavin Gordon). She proceeds to explain that Dr. Frankenstein (Colin Clive) is not dead and is in fact alive and well, creating a mate for his monster (Boris Karloff), after being blackmailed by the demented Dr. Pretorius who’s kidnapped his wife. Lanchester also plays the title character (with a memorable haircut) in this perfect blend of creepy horror and surprisingly wicked and funny black comedy. No revisionist look at this forever fresh classic will ever be required. Timeless brilliance. With Elspeth Dudgeon, Reginald Barlow, Mary Gordon, Billy Barty, Maurice Black, Walter Brennan, John Carradine, Grace Cunard, J. Gunnes Davis, Helen Jerome Eddy, Ernest Thesiger, Una O’Connor, E.E. Clive, Lucien Prival, Tempe Pigott, Joan Woodbury, John George, Helen Gibson, Rollo Lloyd, Torben Meyer, Edward Peil Sr. and Dwight Frye. Fifty years later came THE BRIDE, an unfortunate remake. SON OF FRANKENSTEIN was next in the series.

BRIDE OF RE-ANIMATOR (re-animator 2) (1989 US) D/W/P: BRIAN YUZNA W: WOODY KEITH/RICK FRY Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs) is alive at the beginning of this entertaining sequel. He and Bruce Abbott have discovered the secret of life inside iguana glands while stationed as field medics during the Peruvian Civil War. They return to try to create a whole new living body, Frankenstein-style. Combs has a great speech (“I shall not be judged by the failures of your God”) and there’s plenty of gore (provided by Screaming Mad George, John Buechler and others), but it’s not as tightly scripted as the original. Combs reanimating different parts and fusing them together when bored is a good idea, though. Dave Allen created the great stop-motion crawling eyeball. David Gale’s (flying) head also makes a return. With Johnny Legend. Yuzna made SOCIETY the same year. BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR was a late third part.

BRIDE OF THE ATOM See: BRIDE OF THE MONSTER

BRIDE OF THE GORILLA (1951 US) D/W: CURT SIODMAK P: JACK BRODER Paul Cavanagh is a plantation owner who hates employee Raymond Burr because he’s making time with his sexy neglected wife (Barabara Payton). They plot to run away together, but Burr causes Cavanagh’s death instead. An old crone who witnesses the “accident” puts a curse on Burr, who soon starts transforming and stays out all night in the jungle. The transformed Burr is played by Ray “Crash” Corrigan in his gorilla suit. Lon Chaney Jr. and Woody Strode are cops in this better-than-it-sounds jungle mystery. With Tom Conway, Paul Maxey and Martin Garralaga. It runs not much more than an hour.

BRIDE OF THE MONSTER (bride of the atom) (1955 US) D/W/P: EDWARD D. WOOD JR. W: ALEX GORDON Wood’s most traditionally coherent movie. Bela Lugosi is a disgraced European scientist experimenting with creating atomic supermen in a remote deserted house by a swamp. Tor Johnson is his mistreated assistant Lobo. Lugosi throws unwanted visitors to his monster rubber octopus in the swamp. When his journalist girlfriend (Loretta King) goes missing, cop Tony McCoy (the star only because his father bankrolled the shoot) investigates. The octopus (which was in the John Wayne movie WAKE OF THE RED WITCH) was supposed to move mechanically, but didn’t work so actors have to wrap themselves up in its tentacles. Lugosi’s laboratory has an operating table and photo enlarger doubling for a piece of medical equipment. My favourite parts are when a character is menaced by stock footage alligators, and when we see an A-bomb mushroom cloud after Lugosi is hit by lightning at the end (another clause in the McCoys’ contract). Hardly as “hilarious” as Wood detractors would have you believe, it’s not exactly good either. But I’ve seen much worse. With Paul Marco, Don Nagel, Bud Osborne, Dolores Fuller, William Benedict and Conrad Brooks.

BRIDES OF BLOOD (danger on tiki island; island of living horror) (1968 PHIL US) D/P: EDDIE ROMERO D: GERARDO DE LEON Scientist Kent Taylor, his bored promiscuous wife and assistant John Ashley travel to a Philippine island to investigate any plant or animal mutations that may have resulted from atomic bomb tests nearby in the 1940s. They find insects and crabs behaving unusually, a banana tree with tentacles and more to the point “the evil one”, an amusing melted, lumpy monster not unlike a large Belial (from BASKET CASE) on legs (with an inexpressive face and sharp teeth). The locals sacrifice topless women, not for it to eat, but to “satisfy itself with”. The first of the so-called Blood Island trilogy (MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND and BEAST OF BLOOD followed) that were enormously popular in American drive-ins at the time. Not good, but if you expect a dodgy, cheap slow-moving tropical horror with pay-off stupid monster scenes, you may enjoy.

THE BRIDES OF DRACULA (1960 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W/P: ANTHONY HINDS W: PETER BRYAN/ EDWARD PERCY/JIMMY SANGSTER It’s not part of the official Hammer Dracula series and there’s no Christopher Lee, but this fine vampire movie is one of the studio’s better releases. Peter Cushing is Van Helsing and the Count is a very different, more vulnerable creature that allows for a fresh, more lowkey take on proceedings. With Martita Hunt, Miles Malleson, Henry Oscar and Michael Ripper.

THE BRIDES OF FU MANCHU (die dreizehn sklavinnen des dr. fu manchu) (1966 UK W.GER) D/W: DON SHARP W/P: “PETER WELBECK” (HARRY ALAN TOWERS) The first sequel to THE FACE OF FU MANCHU. Fu Manchu (Christopher Lee) has kidnapped the daughters of prominent scientists, blackmailing them to work on an energy turbine that will fuel a radio wave death ray (or some such), at his remote underground HQ. He sends out assassins in black, has a pit of snakes and destroys Windsor Castle! Douglas Wilmer is his nemesis Nayland Smith (replacing Nigel Green). Tsai Chin is Fu Manchu’s sadistic daughter, with series regular Howard Marion-Crawford, Roger Hanin, Burt Kwouk, Harald Leipnitz, and look for Nicholas Courtney (Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart from DOCTOR WHO). None of the entries in this quite poor series (with good production values, mind you) come close to nailing the fast-paced yellow peril delirium of Sax Rohmer’s books, but this is (marginally) the best (re least dull). Followed by THE VENGEANCE OF FU MANCHU.

THE BRIDES WORE BLOOD (blood bride) (1972 US) D/P: ROBERT R. FAVORITE Some women are invited to a mansion in Florida by an old man who thinks he’s a vampire. A flashback shows how a box hidden in a well has something to do with a family curse, and then another flashback inside the flashback confused me even more. I have no idea what really happened, but this very bad and amateurish oddity had me hooked with its weird atmosphere and perversely creepy situations. But I can’t guarantee it won’t just send you to sleep; it’s very slowmoving. Favorite also made INDIAN RAID, INDIAN MAID and RIVERBOAT MAMA (both 1969).

THE BRIDE WITH WHITE HAIR (jiang-hu; bai fa mo au zhuan) (1993 HK) D/W/P: RONNY YU W: DAVID WU Leslie Cheung is a cocky but heroic master swordsman belonging to a clan loyal to the Ming, who is assigned the task of protecting his people from the approaching Qing armies. His female assistant who secretly loves him lets petty jealousies endanger everyone when he falls in love with a whip-wielding wolf-woman rebel (Brigitte Lin). The title refers to Lin’s look when she’s a furious fighting machine. There’s a male/female Siamese twin villain, Francis Ng and Eddy Ko. Despite being visually impressive, I found this mediocre adaptation of a novel by Liang Yu Sheng to be a major disappointment. A sequel followed in 1994. Check out WOLF DEVIL WOMAN instead.

BRIDGE OF DRAGONS (black soldier) (1999 US) D: ISAAC FLORENTINE W: CARLTON HOLDER/ CLINT LIEU (uncredited) P: BOAZ DAVIDSON/ YORAM BARZILAI/DANNY LERNER In a near future Asian country, Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa is the oppressive ruler and Dolph Lundgren is one of his soldiers. When Lundgren has to capture Tagawa’s reluctant runaway bride (Rachel Shane aka Valerie Chow) they fall in love and Lundgren leads a bunch of rebels against Tagawa and his army. Dull action flick lensed in Bulgaria. With Gary Hudson and John Bennett.

BRIDGE TO NOWHERE (1986 NZ) D/W: IAN MUNE W: BILL BAER P: LARRY PARR Some annoying backpacking teens in the wilderness come under fire from homicidal, paranoid hermit Bruno Lawrence (THE QUIET EARTH). There’s some interesting stuff here, but it’s mostly bad. I once caught a 1991 drama from the same director on tv called THE END OF THE GOLDEN WEATHER, it was very good.

BRIGHTON ROCK (young scarface) (1947 UK) D: JOHN BOULTING W: TERENCE RATTIGAN/GRAHAM GREENE P: ROY BOULTING Richard Attenborough is Pinky, a doomed 17-year-old thug who wields a straight-razor and runs a small-time protection racket in the seaside town of Brighton. This pathetic sadist wants to make it big, but much more organized gangsters are in his way. Rather than depict a romanticized rising-through-the-ranks tale, though, this excellent b/w gangster movie just shows a gutter punk wallowing in his own filth. The ending is priceless. With William Hartnell, George Carney and Marianne Stone. It’s based on Greene’s novel, adapted again in 2010. The Boulting brothers also made the underrated SEVEN DAYS TO NOON.

BRIGITTA (1967 US) D: STEVE MILLARD A young girl in “Munich” is lonely and doesn’t like “common and dirty” men. Picked up by a sleazy photographer one day, she soon finds herself as a prostitute making cash for him while he runs around with a coke bottle-fellating stripper named Chu Chu. She convinces a friend to become a hooker too, and they soon start to enjoy a life of lesbian sex, money and porno films (“we had become two very perverse little bitches”). It ends with “social disease” revenge and last-minute tragedy. 61 mins long, in b/w and with a rambling, monotonous soundtrack, I enjoyed watching this a lot more than I probably should have. Millard made many more similar quickies (usually billed as “Nick Phillips”), but is most “famous” for the CRIMINALLY INSANE films.

BRINGING OUT THE DEAD (1999 US) D: MARTIN SCORSESE W: PAUL SCHRADER P: SCOTT RUDIN/ BARBARA DE FINA Based on Joe Connelly’s novel (which is supposedly rooted in reality). Nicolas Cage is a burnt-out alcoholic insomniac paramedic who works the night shift in an ambulance. He sees ghosts of people he failed to save (a badly developed idea) while zooming around trying to stay under control. (NYC, primarily Hell’s Kitchen, just as scary and depressing as in Scorsese and Schrader’s TAXI DRIVER.) Thelma Schoonmaker’s editing is typically excellent, complimenting Robert Richardson’s interesting photography. The cast is also excellent (apart from a dull Patricia Arquette), in particular Ving Rhames. With John Goodman, Tom Sizemore, Marc Anthony, Afemo Omilami (“don’t make me take off my sunglasses”), Cliff Curtis, Nestor Serrano, Aida Turturro, Arthur J. Nascarella, Andrew Davoli, Jon Abrahams and the voices of Scorsese and Queen Latifah as dispatchers.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA (traiganme la cabeza de alfredo garcia) (1974 US MEX) D/W: SAM PECKINPAH W: GORDON T. DAWSON/ FRANK KOWALSKI P: MARTIN BALSAM Warren Oates is excellent as a washed-up cabaret pianist in Mexico who’s asked to assassinate a friend (whom he knows is already dead) for a small fortune. He digs up the body, decapitates it and drives the head in a sack cross-country as others try to kill him. Isela Vega is a hooker along for the ride. Critically despised and mostly neglected gem is now gaining notoriety as one of Peckinpah’s finest, most personal (and violent) movies. It ends with a gun pointing at the audience just like in 1903’s THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY, suggesting maybe that the western had come full-circle. With Robert Webber, Gig Young (as a character named after Bogart’s in TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE), Kris Kristofferson, Emilio Fernandez (from THE WILD BUNCH), BRAINIAC director Chano Ureta as a bartender, Jorge Russek and Enrique Lucero. In the mid-90s, The Flaming Stars recorded an LP called Bring Me The Rest Of Alfredo Garcia.

THE BRINK’S JOB (1978 US) D: WILLIAM FRIEDKIN W: WALON GREEN P: RALPH SERPE In post-WWII Boston, bumbling small-time crook and safecracker Peter Falk plans to rob an underguarded holding company’s safe of a small fortune. Allen Garfield/ Goorvitz is his clumsy brother-in-law, Peter Boyle is a fence and Warren Oates gets some of the best lines as a crazy ex-military demolitionist. With Paul Sorvino, Gena Rowlands and Sheldon Leonard. It’s based on Noel Behn’s book Big Stick-Up At Brink’s, itself a chronicle of a real-life crime. Friedkin made it between SORCEROR (also scripted by Green) and CRUISING, and it’s one of his very best. A cracking caper flick that effortlessly juggles suspense and eccentric comedy, a pleasure to watch again and again.

BROKEN ARROW (1996 US) D: JOHN WOO W: GRAHAM YOST P: BILL BALDATO/TERENCE CHANG/ MARK GORDON John Travolta is a high-security air force pilot who crashlands his plane in the Utah desert so he can ransom off the nuclear weapons onboard. Christian Slater is his co-pilot and hero who goes against him (with the help of ranger Samantha Mathis). Above average formulaic action movie is more enjoyable than HARD TARGET, also from Woo. With Delroy Lindo, Frank Whaley, Bob Gunton, Vondie Curtis-Hall, Jack Thompson, Kurtwood Smith, Daniel Von Bargen, Carmen Argenziano, Chris Mulkey, Raymond Cruz and lots of stuntmen. Woo made FACE/OFF (1997) next.

THE BROKEN LAND (1962 US) D: JOHN A. BUSHELMAN W: EDWARD J. LAKSO P: LEONARD A. SCHWARTZ Kent Taylor is a hateful sheriff with a stranglehold on a small town in this routine one hour western. Jack Nicholson and some others try to escape his jail cell and seek real justice. With Robert Sampson, Bushelman helmed the very different DAY OF THE NIGHTMARE (1965) next.

BROKEN OATH (poh gaai; po jie) (1977 HK) D/W: JEN CHEONG WOH P: RAYMOND CHOW A female convict on an island prison gives birth to a baby girl who grows up to be Angela Mao. Mao grows up a student of Shaolin and uses her fighting (and pickpocket) skills to avenge the death of her father. She also uses little deadly scorpions. Michael Chan Wai Man and Fong Yau are the main villains, with Dean Shek, Bruce Liang, Sammo Hung, Wang Lai, Han Ying Chieh, Guan Shan, Yeung Wai, Tony Liu and Ho Pak Kwong. Highly regarded by some, I rate it a solid, if unremarkable, kung fu revenge flick. Yuen Woo Ping and Hsu Hsia were responsible for the action choreography. It does actually seem to be an uncredited rewrite of the Japanese LADY SNOWBLOOD.

BRONSON LEE, CHAMPION (the karate) (1974 JPN) D: YUKIO NODA W: SEIKO SHIMURA/KOUJI TAKADA New Line Cinema released an Englishdubbed version of the first entry in this karate series (not the third, as often claimed) starring Tadashi Yamashita in America (in 1982). Jack Sholder (who worked on the Americanized THE STREETFIGHTER and 1997’s THE TATTOOED HIT-MAN) is credited as editor, so maybe it was cut and/or messed around with. Anyway, in the version I saw (which runs 79 mins), Yamashita stars as Bronson Lee, a half-Japanese American ’nam vet from Akron, Ohio (portrayed as a backward hick town), who arrives in Japan (wearing a cowboy hat) to take part in a Budo tournament. He befriends a family who run a ramen store (including Shingo Yamashiro as irritating comic relief), fights various international competitors (including a hatchet-throwing Mexican) and battles tournament-fixing gangsters. The ending has him blind and facing-off against the Singaporean Black Tiger (who seems almost retarded in the English dub). Yamashita’s yelps account for the “Lee”, and I guess the moustache is the “Bronson” part?!? Either way, he’s an extraordinarily ugly man (whose dojo has a website, by the way). Not bad 70s wackawacka guitar-led hokum for its type. Neither THE KARATE 2 or 3 were released outside Japan.

BRONSON’S REVENGE See: CUTTHROATS NINE

THE BRONX EXECUTIONER (cyborg executioners; replicop; il giustiziere del bronx) (1985 ITL) D/W: “BOB COLLINS” (VANIO AMICI) W: PIERO REGNOLI In the future (which looks suspiciously like a quarry), good and evil cyborgs fight each other as part of some kind of unethical experiment. A new sheriff is trained to oversee things by an elderly Woody Strode (the best thing about this terrible junk, but his scenes are part of stolen footage from THE FINAL EXECUTIONER). Pathetic to say the least. With Giovanni Cianfraglia. Some reference books credit Michael Dudikoff as the “host” (when it was released in the US by Cannon), but I don’t know what that’s about. “Bob Collins” is a recognised pseudonym for Umberto Lenzi, leading some to credit this film (incorrectly) to him. [Illus.]

BRONX WARRIORS See: 1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS

BRONX WARRIORS 2 See: ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX

THE BRONZE BUCKAROO (1939 US) D/W/P: RICHARD C. KAHN P: JED BUELL/ALFRED N. SACK Herb Jeffries starred in three black cast westerns for Sack Amusements in the late-30s. This is the middle entry, bookended by TWO GUN MAN FROM HARLEM and HARLEM RIDES THE RANGE. Coming from an era where black actors are usually relegated to comical “yessir” roles, these are all pretty fascinating to watch nowadays. They are also musicals with some great singing and charming comedy (a “talking” mule being the running joke in this one). The forgettable plot revolves around a missing person. With F.E. Miller and important future black director Spencer Williams (THE BLOOD OF JESUS).

BRONZEGIRLS OF SHAOLIN See: THE 18 BRONZEGIRLS OF SHAOLIN

BROOBA (buruba) (1955 JPN) D: JUKICHI SUZUKI W: HIDEO OGUNI P: HIDEMASA NAGATA Former Olympic swimmer Yoshihiro Hamaguchi is Brooba, the Japanese Tarzan in this b/w one-off filmed in LA. Yuko Yaisho is the Jane character who ends up in the jungles of Kenya for forgettable reasons to teach Brooba (who has a chimp friend, of course) how to cook meat and speak Japanese. There’s plenty of stock footage. Crocodiles and lions help Brooba while rhinos, hippos and a panther menace a comic relief character. That’s Woody Strode as a native chief, joining the ranks of many respected black actors who had to break into the business with silly, nonsense-speaking roles like this. “Brrroooba!”

THE BROOD (1979 CAN) D/W: DAVID CRONENBERG P: CLAUDE HEROUX Oliver Reed runs the Somafree Institute of Psychoplasmics in this prime slice of Cronenberg. Samantha Eggar is his star patient, a woman who vents her emotions in a physical outgrowth (“the shape of rage”). Estranged husband Art Hindle is pitted against a litter of mutant hate-babies born from Eggar’s exo-womb that kill with mallets. Not only is it a high watermark for Cronenberg’s once-fascinating vision, filtered through an intelligent, groundbreaking script, it’s also a damn good, well-directed horor flick. With Felix Silla and Nicholas Campbell. Cronenberg was going through a divorce at the time, and, construed as an “outlet”, this film would make a scathing double bill with POSSESSION, which has some familiar themes. He made the less interesting (but more successful) SCANNERS next.

BROOKLYN’S FINEST (crossing) (2008 US) D: ANTOINE FUQUA W: MICHAEL C. MARTIN P: ELIE COHN/BASIL IWANYK/JOHN LANGLEY/AVI LERNER/JOHN THOMPSON Retiring, suicidal Richard Gere, undercover Don Cheadle and the guilty, corrupt Catholic Ethan Hawke are the three leads with intertwining stories in this extended character and mood piece about how fucking horrible it is to be a cop in Brooklyn. It’s nothing you haven’t seen before and lacks focus and direction, but it’s also quite absorbing, with some nice nuances, fine acting (Ellen Barkin gives a particularly memorable turn) and I enjoyed watching it quite a bit. At least as much (if not more so) than Fuqua’s somewhat overrated breakthrough TRAINING DAY (also with Hawke). With Lili Taylor, Wesley Snipes, Vincent D’Onofrio, Will Patton, Brian F. O’Byrne, Michael K. Williams, Jesse Williams, Shannon Kane and Hassan Johnson.

BROS. See: SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK

BROTHER (1997) See: BRAT

BROTHER (2000 UK JPN US) D/W: TAKESHI KITANO P: JEREMY THOMAS/MASAYUKI MORI “Beat” Takeshi Kitano stars as a yakuza whose small group is betrayed and engulfed by a larger one. So he escapes to America (L A) to visit his small-time drug-dealer brother (Kuroda Maki, star of Kitano’s disappointing romantic surfing movie A SCENE AT THE SEA). He leads Maki’s gang (including co-star Omar Epps) in a full-on war against the current turf gangsters and dramatically expands their operations. Susumu Terajima (my personal favourite from Kitano’s stock cast) has a large part. With Claude Maki, Masaya Kato, Makoto Otake, Ren Osugi (who commits hara-kiri), Tetsuya Watanabe, James Shigeta, Tatyana Ali, Peter Spellos and Pat Morita. Apparently the US version was heavily cut; this review refers to the Japanese print.

BROTHER FROM SPACE (hermano del espacio; fratelo dello spazio) (1984 SPN) D/W: “ROY GARRET” (MARIO GARIAZZO) W: “JOHN L. MARTIN” (JOSÉ LUIS MARTIN) P: JOSÉ FRADE Pods are released from a spaceship and a short, spacesuited figure emerges to show-off his telekinetic powers and befriend priest Martin Balsam and a blind music teacher. William Berger and his soldiers try to hunt him down in this dull E.T./STARMAN/SHERIFF AND THE SATELLITE KID clone from the director of AMAZONIA (who tries to pass this off as a true story). With Agostina Belli, Eduardo Fajardo, Rafaela Aparicio, Luis Barboo, Leon Klimovsky and José Manuel Martin. Balsam was also in another Gariazzo sci-fi, EYES BEHIND THE STARS (1978).

BROTHERHOOD OF SATAN (1970 US) D: BERNARD McEVEETY W/P: “WILLIAM WELCH” (L.Q. JONES) W: SEAN MAC GREGOR P: ALVY MOORE Charles Bateman, his little girl and girlfriend manage to enter a small California town mysteriously cut off from the rest of the world for a few days. A Satanic cult led by Strother Martin may have been slaughtering families with black magic and stealing their children, whom they keep on pedestals, one for each cult member. Nothing is ever really explained in this uneven oddity that is sometimes strangely effective and then sometimes hokey and unsatisfying. Interesting attempt, though, but won’t go down well with those expecting straight entertainment. Writer/producer Jones (who had been part of Sam Peckinpah’s stock cast along with Martin) is sheriff, and producer Moore has a role, too. [Illus.]

THE BROTHERHOOD OF THE BELL (1970 US) D: PAUL WENDKOS W/P: DAVID KARP Glenn Ford is a successful foundation professor who owes everything to a secret fraternity (represented by a menacing Dean Jagger). His debt to them leads him to be complicit in a friend’s suicide, so he tries to expose them. Actually a reworking of a Karp-scripted 1958 episode in the Studio One strand (starring Cameron Mitchell!), this ABCTV movie is extremely well done and surprisingly non-diluted. I particularly like the claustrophobic camerawork, and Ford is on top form. Note the eerie similarities between Jagger’s jovial dismissal of accusations on live tv, to real-life accusation-dodging moments from Bush and Kerry when asked about Skull & Bones. With Maurice Evans, Rosemary Forsyth, Will Geer, Eduard Franz, Dabney Coleman, Robert Pine, James McEachin, Robert Clarke and William Conrad as a Joe Pyne-like tv talk show host.

BROTHERHOOD OF THE YAKUZA See: THE YAKUZA

THE BROWN BUNNY (2003 US JPN FRA) D/W/P: VINCENT GALLO Gallo followed his acclaimed directorial debut BUFFALO ’66 (1998) with this universally panned, slow-moving, depressing feature that was dismissed as “the worst film” to ever play the Cannes Film Festival (the version in circulation nowadays has been trimmed of 26 mins). When I say that the majority of the running time is motorcycle racer Gallo driving around mid-America, testing his bike and looking sad, I’m not kidding (it must hold some kind of record for the amount of running time devoted to staring through a dirty windshield). That said, I think the culminative effect that pays off with a shocker of an ending is justified, and in years to come this will be recognised as a great film that offers more than just Chloe Sevigny giving Gallo a (real) blow job. It is awfully similar to Abel Ferrara’s underrated THE BLACKOUT, though.

BROWN’S REQUIEM (1998 US) D/W: JASON FREELAND P: TIM YOUD/DAVID SCOTT ROBIN Michael Rooker (who narrates throughout) is excellent as alcoholic ex-cop repo man and less-than-professional private detective Fritz Brown in this fine James Ellroy adaption (better than the overrated LA CONFIDENTIAL, for instance). Despite minor changes, this remains faithful to the original novel and also stands up on its own (particularly impressive when you consider it was Freeland’s debut). And how many movies can boast Rooker, Brion James (as a corrupt cop) and Brad Dourif (intense as a dying drug addict)? Recommended, particularly on a double bill with the criminally undervalued COP. With Jack Wallace, Selma Blair, Harold Gould, Kevin Corrigan, Barry Newman, Tobin Bell, Jennifer Coolidge, Valerie Perrine and Christopher Meloni.

BRUCE, D-DAY AT MACAO See: LITTLE SUPER MAN

BRUCE HAS RISEN See: DEADLY STRIKE

BRUCE LEE AGAINST SUPERMEN (bruce lee vs supermen; meng long zheng dong; mang lung ching dung) (1975 TAI HK) D: CHIA CHUN WA W: YAO CHING KONG P: WU MEN CHAO Bruce Li is Kato, The Green Hornet’s sidekick that the real Bruce had played on tv in the US. The credits for this oddity even roll over Hornet-style graphics! The plot involves a scientist being kidnapped by the villains because he has a formula that can turn petroleum into food! The bad guys hire “Superman” (Lung Fei with a white sheet hastily tied around his neck for a cape!) to kick Kato’s ass. This results in an extended final showdown between Li and Fei that is actually very good indeed. Some monkey fighters are also involved in the action, worthwhile for kung fu fanatics. I also liked the fact that Superman is paid with money, girls, “and a truck load of booze”! With Shan Mao and some Chinese extras dressed as Egyptians alluding to Middle East location work.

BRUCE LEE & I (bruce lee: his last days, his last nights; I love you, bruce lee; li xiao long yu wo) (1975 HK) D: JOHN LAW MA W: SUEN A FOO/SHU LAN I had heard about this trashy exposé on the supposed affair between Lee and Betty Ting Pei (in whose apartment he died) for years, but until viewing the recent remastered dvd from Celestial, I had no idea it was from the prestigious Shaw Bros studio (Lee worked for Golden Harvest, after turning down the Shaws’ offer)! Betty plays herself as a sexy yet miserable actress wannabe who didn’t get the breaks she deserved. Most of it is a flashback while Betty (who has topless scenes) talks to a protective bartender, as a gang of Lee-worshipping thugs with nunchucks (!) lurk outside with intent to kill Betty (who everyone thinks killed Lee). Danny Lee (who has just been in INFRAMAN!) plays the cocky Lee, who first enters Betty’s life by beating up thugs working for Lo Wei (here played by Wong San as a lecherous blackmailer). Alternately dull and memorably distasteful, it’s a must for the Leesploitation fan in your life. Tang Chi and Yuen Woo Ping provided fight choreography, but there’s not much action here. With Shut-Ma Wa-Lung, Tony Liu, Gam Gwan, Lee Pang-Fei, Goo Man-Chung, Lee Sau-Kei, Lau Jun-Fai, Chu Yau Ko, Ho Pak Kwong, Wong Pau Gei, Yen Shi-Kwan, Hsu Hsia, Yeung Cheung-Yan, Tino Wong, Chan Lau, Yuen Shun-Yi, Lee Chui, Chow Yun-Gin, Chen Yuet Sang, Corey Yuen Kwai, Alan Chun Chug-San, Wong Mei and Lee Hang.

BRUCE LEE: HIS LAST DAYS, HIS LAST NIGHTS See: BRUCE LEE & I

BRUCE LEE IN G.O.D. (2000 JPN) D: TOSHIKAZU OKUSHI W: TAKAO NITTA/BEY LOGAN P: JUNICHI MATSUSHITA/LEONG TAK SAM/SHIN YONEZAWA Lee fans will appreciate the extensive previously unseen fight footage from GAME OF DEATH, but unfortunately they decided to wrap it up in a pretentious and very ill-conceived minidoc/drama with David Lee as Bruce, trying to get his film made the way he wanted. All the actors seem to have learnt their English dialogue phonetically and it all appears kinda strange and pointless.

BRUCE LEE’S DEADLY KUNG FU See: BRUCE LEE SECRET

BRUCE LEE SECRET (bruce lee’s deadly kung fu; story of the dragon; bruce lee’s jeet kune do; a dragon story; he’s a legend, he’s a hero) (1976 HK) D/W: CHAN WAH D: WILLIAM CHANG CHI W: CHANG HSIN YEE Bruce Li is a San Francisco Chinese restaurant waiter who’s soon fired for beating up some local thugs. They belong to a kung fu school, so their master comes looking for Li at his new dockside packing crate wharf job. Carter Wong also works there, and between the two of them they sort out the trouble. But the bad guys still won’t leave it, so they send Hwang Jang Lee up against Li. It’s nothing you haven’t seen done better countless times before, but still a passable time-filler for Lee rip-off completists. With Roy Horan and Ngai Ping Ngo.

BRUCE LEE’S FISTS OF VENGEANCE See: BRUCE LE’S GREATEST REVENGE

BRUCE LEE’S JEET KUNE DO See: BRUCE LEE SECRET

BRUCE LEE, SUPERDRAGON See: BRUCE LEE WE MISS YOU

BRUCE LEE: THE FLYING DRAGON See: THE EIGHTEEN JADE ARHATS

BRUCE LEE THE INVINCIBLE (game of the dragon; naam tin jan wai; nan tian zhen wei) (1977 HK) D: LAW KAI SHUK W: C.Y. YANG P: KEUNG CHUN PING An evil renegade Shaolin student causes trouble in Malaysia. Bruce Li comes to the rescue with a Shaolin teacher (Chen Sing). Sing uses the “Shaolin disguise technique” which consists of him combing his hair back and trimming his moustache. Li comments how it’s “quite incredible”, and later it turns out to be a rubber mask (!?!). There’s also some natives who whoop like Indians and throw styrofoam rocks, but my favourite part is when Li fights acrobatic killer apes (men in gorilla suits) with glowing red eyes. One fight scene changes location midway through. Bolo Yeung also briefly appears as a wizened master with a long beard. All in all, pretty entertaining. With Cheung Chok Chow, Alan Chan, Michael Chan Wai Man, Cheung Lik, Fung Hak On, San Kuai, Mars, Wong Mei, Eric Tsang, Lee Sar Kei, Peter Chan Lung, Chung Faat and Sham Chin Bo.

BRUCE LEE, THE LEGEND (1984 HK) D: LEONARD HO W: RUSSELL CAWTHORNE This pretty good (but corny) documentary shows footage from MY SON, BOYS ON THE STREET and THE THUNDERSTORM, some of the first films that starred a teen Lee in Hong Kong. We learn that he liked to Cha-Cha and that Raymond Chow (who is interviewed) cannot act (in staged scenes). There’s also interviews with Betty Ting Pei (the last person to see Lee alive who gave him the headache tablets), Nora Miao and some old teachers. A look at Lee’s first Hollywood screentest is pretty interesting. Choice clips and behind-the-scenes footage from all his kung fu films are present, and the tv series, Longstreet. Unfortunately only photos from The Green Hornet are shown. The usual voyeuristic footage from his first HK funeral (note Geroge Lazenby in attendance) is seen, plus a look at the American funeral which included mourners James Coburn, Steve McQueen and Jim Kelly. We hear the voice of Chuck Norris and see little Brandon and Shannon. Video sleeves from Bruce Lee imitator movies are shown and Sammo Hung coaches aspiring stand-ins for the completion of GAME OF DEATH. Non-Lee clips are from ZU: WARRIORS, WARRIORS TWO, DUEL TO THE DEATH, Jackie Chan in WINNERS AND SINNERS and the Japanese ZATOICHI films. You’ll also hear lots and lots of easy listening music.

BRUCE LEE, THE MAN, THE MYTH (the dragon lives; behind bruce lee; bruce lee: the true story; lee siu lung chuen kei; li xiao long chuan ji) (1975 HK) D/W: NG SEE YUEN It’s hard to believe this boring, fake biopic was once pretty popular (and is still easy to find). Bruce Li (aka Ho Chung Tao from countless Lee rip-offs) plays the legendary kung fu star from when he first moves to America. Most of it is, of course, nonsense and the dubbed fight noises are way too loud. In one odd part, Li trains with a strange electronic machine. He dies after he takes headache pills and conspiracy theories are considered. There are scenes from the actual funeral (as in GAME OF DEATH). With Unicorn Chan, Lee Hoi San, Carl Scott, Fung Ging Man, Alan Chui Chung San, Mars and Fung Hak On.

BRUCE LEE: THE TRUE STORY See: BRUCE LEE, THE MAN, THE MYTH

BRUCE LEE VS. SUPERMEN See: BRUCE LEE AGAINST SUPERMEN

BRUCE LEE WE MISS YOU (the dragon dies hard; bruce lee, superdragon; superdragon; golden sun; tiger clan death kick; gam sik taai yeung; jin ne tai yang) (1974 HK) D: LEE KOON CHEUNG P: LIU HSIA LING Bruce Li is a martial arts student and Bruce Lee disciple shocked by Lee’s death. In fact Lee comes to him in a dream and asks him to investigate his mysterious death. There’s one good fight on top of a moving bus, but otherwise this is an undistinguished Leesploitation conspiracy kung fu quickie. The last film directed by Koon Cheung. With Lung Fei and Shan Mao.

BRUCE LE’S GREATEST REVENGE (bruce lee’s fists of vengeance; yan biu fook; yan bao fu) (1978 HK? S.KOR?) D: TO LO PO (?) Forgettable kung fu quickie Bruce Le vehicle with a typical defeating-the-evil-Japs (led by Ku Feng) plot and an interesting cast. Bolo Yeung is a headstrong Mongolian fighter. With Bruce Tong, Hon Gwok Choi, Lee I. Min, To Siu Ming, Fong Yau, San Kuai and Kwan Hoi San. The confusion over the film’s country of origin has to do with the To Lo Po director credit. To Lo Po is a known pseudonym for the talented Lee Tso Nam, but it is also the name of the Korean hack who churned out DRAGON BRUCE LEE PART 2. If it’s the former then it’s likely to be a Hong Kong production, if the latter it was probably lensed in South Korea. A lot of fuss over such an unremarkable film, but if anyone can clear up the confusion let me know.

BRUCE LI IN NEW GUINEA (bruce li in snake island; sau lui yuk chiu: shen au yu chao) (1977 HK) D: JOSEPH KONG HUNG P: KWOK PO LUEN Anthropologist Bruce Li and a friend travel to an island near New Guinea. They have cross-eyed comic relief guides (both cross-eyed masters Yue Tau Wan and To Siu Ming) and the natives eat only bananas and melons. An evil snake tribe (including Bolo Yeung) kill the king and Li helps the Princess (Dana) defeat them. Some other characters (including a white guy who might be Roy Horan, but I’m not sure) try to steal the valuable snake pearl. My favourite part is when a character throws a baby snake at a baby, and we see an inanimate picture of a snake superimposed on the baby’s face! Apart from that, pretty boring with uninspired choreography. With Chan Sing, San Kuai, Lee Hoi Sang, Mars and Cheung Lik. Kong also made THE CLONES OF BRUCE LEE and other Brucesploitation features.

BRUCE LI IN SNAKE ISLAND See: BRUCE LI IN NEW GUINEA

BRUCE LI THE INVINCIBLE See: BRUCE LEE THE INVINCIBLE

BRUCE TAKES DRAGON TOWN See: BRUCE TAKES THE DRAGON

BRUCE TAKES THE DRAGON (bruce takes dragon town) (1970s/80s?) D: LIU HUNG SHENG P: CHEN MEI LING The US video box (Goodtimes) claims that this is a Bruce Le film, but he ain’t in it. I have no idea who the star is (Yuan Shi Ho?), but the main villain looks like Lung Fei, and I may have spotted Kong Ban. Mediocre kung fu quickie is watchable but hardly worth it. The music is a facsimile of the TAXI DRIVER score.

BRUCE THE SUPER HERO (super hero) (1979 HK PHIL) D/P: BRUCE LE W: POON FAN After his antique dealer sister is killed (in a scene copying the one with Angela Mao in ENTER THE DRAGON), Le (“the king of kung fu”) travels from HK to Manila to avenge her death. A local boxer (Lito Lapid, who was later a Senator of the Republic!) helps. The Black Dragon Society are after a map to hidden gold. Bruce gets to wear a GAME OF DEATH yellow jumpsuit. Bolo Yeung and Kong Do are called in to kill him. We see Bolo kill a (very feeble looking) ox with his hands. The best (read: stupidest) part of this dull junk is in the last few mins when Do uses snake fist style while actually wearing a very silly snake hand puppet! It was the first of several that Le — who also choreographed the action — directed himself (for executive producer Dick Randall).

BRUCE VS. SNAKE IN EAGLE’S SHADOW See: SNAKE IN THE EAGLE’S SHADOW

BRUISER (devil’s mask) (2000 US FRA CAN) D/W: GEORGE A. ROMERO P: PETER GRUNWALD/BEN BAREN HOLTZ Jason Flemyng is a meek upwardly mobile nice guy whose former communist arsehole boss (Peter Stromare) at a magazine company is fucking his ungrateful, selfish bitch wife (Nina Gabiras). His best friend Andrew Tarbet is also conning him out of his stock market winnings, and even his maid is stealing from him. He wakes up one day with a blank white life mask (made by co-worker and Stormare’s divorce-seeking wife Leslie Hope) stuck to his face. It makes him lose his temper, become more assertive and kill the leeches in his life one-by-one. It begins intriguingly, but this (somewhat simplistic and old-fashioned) tale of the underdog loses it’s way midway (or simply doesn’t have much to say). With Tom Atkins and Jonathan Higgins as investigating cops, Balazs Koos, Boyd Banks, Neil Crone and The Misfits (who Romero directed a video for). Filmed in Toronto.

BRUTAL BOXER (blood fingers; tong yan haak; tang ren ke) (1972 HK) D: GUAN SHAN W: I. KUANG Two young men good at kung fu (Raymond Liu and Guan Shan) are looking for their uncle. Kindlyseeming Chan Sing puts them to work and offers to help, but is in fact a crooked businessman with blood on his hands. Tanny is his adopted daughter. This is a typical if better-than-average example of early 70s chopsocky, where specific styles and forms are just beginning to emerge from the mass scrapping scenes. The final extended and bloody massacre is worth a look for genre fans. Jackie Chan can be seen very briefly during the first fight in a restaurant. Also look for Wilson Tong, Got Heung Tin, Mars and Cory Yuen Kwai. It’s the sole directorial credit for veteran actor Guan Shan. Lui later helmed THE FATAL FLYING GUILLOTINES.

BRUTAL JUSTICE See: ROME ARMED TO THE TEETH

BRUTAL NIGHTS See: EMANUELLE IN AMERICA

BRUTAL REVENGE See: FIGHTING ACE

THE BRUTAL RIVER (gator; khoht phetchakhaat) (2005 THAI) D/W: ANAT YOUNGNGOYUN P: KITTIPONG PANYATHAWEESUB/PORNPHAN BANNAJIRAKUL A big CGI crocodile eats the villagers who work and travel on the Bang Mud Canal in the 1960s. Based on a true story, but there’s a definite JAWS influence when some hunters catch the wrong croc, and even JAWS 3 when it’s finally offed with a grenade in the mouth. It’s slightly more watchable than your average ho-hum killer croc flick simply because the locations and local traditions give it a different flavour than usual. If you’re already well-versed in Thai horror/fantasy however, you would be forgiven for wanting to give it a miss.

THE BRUTE AND THE BEAST See: MASSACRE TIME

THE BRUTE MAN (1946 US) D: JEAN YARBROUGH W: GEORGE BRICKER/M. COATES WEBSTER/ DWIGHT V. BABCOCK Rondo Hatton has his last starring role (he did appear in a 1949 release called GUN CARGO, but that was shot years earlier) as The Creeper, a vengeful old high school student who returns to kill those he feels responsible for his deformity caused by an explosion in the science lab. I guess it could be considered a prequel to the 1946 movie HOUSE OF HORRORS) starring acromegaly victim Hatton in more-or-less the same role. Without Hatton this 58 mins b/w PRC release (actually made by Universal who quickly disowned it) would be a complete bore. With Tom Neal, Donald MacBride, Tristram Coffin, Peggy Converse, Joseph Crehan, John Gallaudet, John Hamilton, Frank O’Connor, Oscar O’Shea, Cy Schindell, Lorin Raker, William Ruhl and Charles Wagenheim. From the director of THE DEVIL BAT.

BRUTES AND SAVAGES (1975 US JPN) D/P: ARTHUR DAVIS An irritating Davis takes us on a mondo travelogue of first Africa and then South America. There are several dubious looking scenes passed off as “real”, but none more so than the laughable segment in which an African native is supposedly eaten alive by a crocodile (this was at the centre of the ad campaign). Trepanation surgery (obviously acquired by the filmmakers and then shoehorned into the narrative via a suspicious stone throwing fight) and scenes of various animals being slaughtered are genuine. Richard Johnson provides narration. A recent dvd release from Synapse provides 15 mins of extra footage, making the runing time an unbearably overlong 107 mins.

BUBBA HO-TEP (2003 US) D/W/P: DON COSCARELLI P: JASON R. SAVAGE An old Elvis (Bruce Campbell!) lies in his Texas nursing home bed filled with bad memories and regrets, and a growth on his dick (Coscarelli seems to think this is hilarious). A big cockroach appears to be killing-off the other residents and Daniel Roebuck is one of two comic undertakers who come to collect the bodies. An old black man who thinks he’s JFK (Ossie Davis, who’s very funny) figures out that an ancient Egyptian “soul sucker” mummy is responsible. Davis and Campbell team-up to defeat the creature (who dresses like a cowboy). The ending is weak and you wouldn’t want to be cornered by a rabid, overzealous Campbell fan who thinks this is the best movie ever made (the internet seems to be full of them), but if you don’t buy into that hype then BUBBA HO-TEP can be very entertaining. Some of Campbell and Davis’ dialogue exchanges are particularly amusing. It begins with impressive newsreel footage of a mummy’s remains being discovered. With Reggie Bannister (from Coscarelli’s PHANTASM series) and Harrison Young.

BUBBLE BOY (2001 US) D: BLAIR HAYES W: CINCO PAUL/KEN DAURIO P: BEAU FLYNN In this spoof of the 70s tv movie THE BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE, Jake Gyllenhaal is a teen without immunities who has lived in a sealed environment since birth. He builds a portable bubble suit and hitches to Niagra Falls to stop his blonde neighbour (Marley Shelton) getting married. Neither the clever symbolic satire that some claimed it to be, nor a comment on AIDS (some people really do need to lighten up), it is in fact a not very funny road movie with tasteless attempts at black humour. If you think a Hindu being splattered by the entrails of a sacred cow as it’s hit by a truck is hilarious then you might enjoy. With Swoosie Kurtz as Gyllenhaal’s religious, overprotective and highly prejudice mom, John Carroll Lynch, Danny Trejo, Verne Troyer, Dave Sheridan, Brian George, Ever Carradine, Beetlejuice, Randy Sklar, Leo Fitzpatrick, Katie Lohmann, Robert La Sardo, Fabio as the leader of a new age cult and some circus freaks.

BUBBLEGUM CRASH See: BUBBLEGUM CRISIS

BUBBLEGUM CRISIS (1987-1988 ANIMATED JPN) D/W: KATSUHITO AKIYAMA D: MASAMI OBARI/ FUMIHIKO TAKAYAMA/HIROKI HAYASHI/HIROAKI GOODA W: TOSHIMICHI SUZUKI/KENICHI MATSUZAKI/ HIDEKI KAKINUMA/SHINJI ARAMAKI/EMU ARII/HIDETOSHI YOSHIDA P: TOORU MIURA/HIROSHI TAZAKI/SATOSHI KOIZUMI/TAKANORI YAEGAKI Once extremely popular (especially abroad) but badly dated eight-part sci-fi series about robots called “Voomers” (or Boomers) used for ill in future MegaTokyo, and the special squad out to maintain order. Ok hokum at times, but don’t go out of your way. I suppose the three final episodes (entitled BUBBLEGUM CRASH) could be considered a separate miniseries in their own right. BUBBLEGUM CRISIS 2040 was a longer remake/continuation of a decade later. A.D. POLICE (1994) was a spin-off.

A BUCKET OF BLOOD (1959 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: CHARLES B. GRIFFITH Corman’s personal best is also one of the best horror comedies ever made. Dick Miller is Walter Paisley (a name Miller characters in later movies would acquire), a wannabe artist and waiter at a pretentious beatnik bar who does sculpture. When he encases a dead cat in plaster, he becomes a hit and is commissioned to do some human sculptures. This funny and disturbing fast-paced little number could be considered a companion piece to the inferior (but more famous) LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS. Miller is wonderful, and Ed Nelson and Bruno VeSota also have parts.

BUCK ROGERS (1939 US) D: FORD BEEBE/SAUL A. GOODIND W: NORMAN S. HALL/RAY TRAMPE Between the second and third FLASH GORDON serials Buster Crabbe starred in this almost equally as fun 12-chapter serial based on novels by Phillip Francis Nowlan and the comic strip by Dick Calkins. Buck (and his sidekick Buddy) are frozen by an experimental gas after their airship crashes, and awake 5,000 years later. They go to Saturn to fight Killer Kane (Anthony Warde) and electronically controlled zombie-like creatures called Zuggs. With Reed Howes, Wheeler Oakman, Stanley Price, David Sharpe, Carleton Young, Eddie Parker, John Harmon, C. Montague Shaw, William Gould, Henry Brandon, Jack Mulhall, Guy Usher, Ray Barcroft, Lane Chandler, Kenne Duncan and Karl Hackett. Condensed feature versions (released in the 50s) are PLANET OUTLAWS and DESTINATION SATURN. Nowlan’s creation returned to the small screen in 1979 with BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY.

BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY (1979 US) D: DANIEL HALLER W: GLEN A. LARSON/LESLIE STEVENS P: RICHARD CAFFEY Here’s the pilot for the lame tv show from the producers of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. Gil Gerard stars and Mel Blanc provides the voice for that annoying fucking robot Tweekie (Felix Silla). Henry Silva and Joseph Wiseman are the villains. With Pamela Hensley, Erin Gray and the voice of William Conrad.

BUCKTOWN (1975 US) D: ARTHUR MARKS W: BOB ELLISON P: BERNARD SCHWARTZ Fred Williamson arrives in a small southern town run by corrupt redneck cops to bury his dead brother. He tries to reopen a club but encounters racketeers and discovers his brother did not die of natural causes. He calls in his old buddy Thalmus Rasulala and his goons (including Carl Weathers) to help clean up the place, but soon Rasulala is leaning on the locals worse than whitey did. Pam Grier is the widow love interest. Slick-looking trash from AIP is amusing enough if you don’t expect much. With Robert Burton. Groucho Marx’s son also directed Grier in FRIDAY FOSTER.

THE BUDDHA ASSASSINATOR (shogun massacre; bat cheung wong dai; fo zhang huang di) (1979 HK) D/W: TUNG KAN WU W: I. KUANG P: TU CHIN Meng Hoi is fed-up of working like a slave for the Shaolin monks so when he saves Manchurian lord Hwang Jang Lee from an assassination attempt he uses his new found power in the court to bully them back. Chin Yuet Sang is the sifu who teaches Meng Hoi Buddha’s Palm style, which comes in handy against Hwang Jang’s Buddhist Fist. Yuen Kwai (who also appears) and Chin Yuet Sang choreographed the great fight action in this solid little number from the director of SNUFF BOTTLE CONNECTION. With Lung Fei and Chui Chung Hei.

THE BUDDHIST FIST (secret of the buddhist fist; bat cheung law hon kuen; fo zhang luo han quan) (1979 HK) D/P: YUEN WOO PING W/P: CHUI SIU MING W: WONG JING A Shaolin monk adopts two young boys. One is raised inside the monastery while the other is sent away to be raised by an old man (a cameo from Simon Yuen). They are both taught the ways of the Buddhist Fist, but in varying styles. One grows up to be Chui Siu Ming (co-writer, former child star and popular singer) while the other becomes Yuen Shun-Yi (the director’s underrated brother). The whodunnit mystery plot leads to an unforgettable display of imaginative, intricate and highly skilled martial arts in the classic climax. With Fan Mei Sheng, Chan Siu Pang, Lee Hoi San, Ho Pak Kwong, Peter Chan Lung, Yuen Yat Choh, Dai Sai Aan, San Kuai, David Wu Dai Wai, Yuen Tau Wan (the Elvis of cross-eyed buffoons), Yuen Cheung Yan and Cheung Kei. Don’t miss.

BUDDY BOY (pain) (1999 US) D/W: MARK HAN LON P: CARY WOODS/GINA MINGACCI Introverted, mother-dominated Francis has a terminal stammer and spies on his neighbour (Emmanuelle Seigner) while being bullied by his alcoholic, invalid mother (Susan Tyrrell demonstrating her real-life leg affliction). Not exactly a film to “enjoy”, it is nevertheless pretty effective stuff with good performances. With Mark Boone Jr., Linda Manz and Jon Huertas. Hanlon wrote GHOST SHIP.

BUFFALO SOLDIER See: SOUL SOLDIER

BUFFET FROID (cold cuts) (1979 FRA) D/W: BERTRAND BLIER P: ALAIN SARDE Gerard Depardieu accidentally kills a man in the underground at the beginning of this absurdist black comedy. Then his wife is killed, so he comforts the killer (Jean Carmet) who also gets along pretty well with the police inspector (Bernard Blier). These very obvious “surreal” touches go on and on in the same grating way. It all feels like a very bad imitation of a Luis Buñuel film. With Jean Benguigui, Carole Bouquet and Michel Serrault.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (buffy the vampire killer) (1992 US) D: FRAN RUBEL KUZUI W: JOSS WHEDON P: KAZ KUZUI/HOWARD ROSENMAN Acrobatic and popular high-school cheerleader airhead Kristy Swanson discovers that she’s the current reincarnation of a vampire hunter who must destroy the head bloodsucker, a violin-playing (and underused) Rutger Hauer. Paul (Pee Wee) Reubens is his main henchman. Donald Sutherland is her mentor. Teens (including David Arquette) are the main victims who become floating, wisecracking minions. This big-budget horror comedy from the director of TOKYO POP (1988) is not bad, if a little disjointed, but has an attitude that’s occasionally too selfassured (and so may rub you the wrong way). With Luke Perry, Hilary Swank, Natasha Gregson Wagner, Randall Batinkoff, Candy Clark, Stephen Root, Thomas Jane, Ricki Lake, Liz Smith and Ben Affleck as an extra. Seth Green was cut out. It was a hit, but it took a few years for the concept to make its way to tv as an even bigger hit series replacing Swanson with Sarah Michelle Gellar. And let’s not forget the porno parody MUFFY THE VAMPIRE LAYER (1992).

BUG (1975 US) D: JEANNOT SZWARC W/P: WILLIAM CASTLE W: THOMAS PAGE An earthquake unleashes intelligent bugs that can start fires in this low-key but pretty interesting Castle production (his last). Bradford Dillman, Patricia McCormack, Jesse Vint, Alan Fudge and Castle are all in the cast. Page also wrote the novel on which it’s based, The Hephaestus Plague, which is fun, more ambitious (a bigger budget would be needed to do it justice) but possibly biologically inaccurate (in the secret cinema in my head that plays imaginary movies, it stars Michael Gough).

BUG BUSTER (aberration 2; some things never die) (1998 US) D/P: LORENZO DOUMANI W: MALICK KHOURY P: SAM LUTFI Cockroaches mutated by dangerous crop sprays somehow breed inside humans and burst out through their skin in a small lakeside town. Katherine Heigl is the teen star of this rambling “comedy” (I don’t remember smiling even once) that doesn’t use any interesting FX to keep the boredom at bay. Instead we get an overused ’nam vet bug killer character (copied from ARACHNOPHOBIA) played by Randy Quaid (who should get better movies). STAR TREK completists may want to suffer it for James Doohan as the sheriff and George Takei as a scientist (who’s killed by a briefly seen giant cockroach). With Meredith Salinger, Julie Brown, Johhny Legend and clips from THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER.

BUGGED (1996 US) D/W/P: RONALD K. ARMSTRONG P: GAY ABEL-BEY Troma was the right company to release this fun comedic monster movie (with a mostly black cast). Some bug exterminators (including director Armstrong) accidentally spray a revolutionary serum that causes enhanced intelligence and DNA mutation at poet Priscilla K. Basque’s house. This results in big intelligent cockroaches. It begins with a long set-up flashback (with bad acting), there’s some cool nonsensical insect-finding gadgets and a funny suicide gag. The FX are rarely convincing, but it doesn’t matter. Basque is a former Miss Honolulu.

BUG OFF! (2001 US) D/W/P: T.C. CHRISTENSEN W: ROD MILLER Cheap and silly cable filler for kids has a couple of alien bug creatures sent to Earth (in disguise) to learn how to live in peace. One is disguised as an old nanny hired to look after a bickering brother and sister. She turns the little brother into a bug and the other alien (disguised as a man with a strange haircut) tries to catch him. Your kids deserve better than this crap. Based on a book by Terry Fields. With Frank Gerrish.

BUGS See: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 4

BUGSY (1991 US) D/P: BARRY LEVINSON W: JAMES TOBACK P: MARK JOHNSON/WARREN BEATTY This is a pretty good biopic of Ben “Bugsy” Seagal (Beatty) based on Dean Jennings’ book. It shows how the gangster was responsible for building the first casino in Las Vegas, but never lived to see the profits. Annette Benning is his equally individual lover and Harvey Keitel is good as Mickey Cohen. With Ben Kingsley, Elliot Gould, Joe Mantegna, Bebe Neuwirth, Andy Romano, Toback (who made FINGERS with Keitel), Don Calfa, Ray McKinnon, Wendie Malick, Bill Graham and Richard Sarafian.

BUILD MY GALLOWS HIGH (out of the past) (1947 US) D: JACQUES TOURNEUR W: “GEOFFREY HOMES” (DANIEL MAINWARING)/FRANK FENTON/JAMES M. CAIN P: WARREN DUFF Robert Mitchum happily runs a gas station in the middle of nowhere, but his past catches up with him in this film noir favourite. Kirk Douglas is his old gangster boss, Jane Greer his femme fatale wife. With Steve Brodie, Rhonda Fleming, Dickie Moore, Brooks Benedict, Oliver Blake, James Bush, Mary Field, Theresa Harris, Harry Hayden, John Kellogg, Mike Lally, Philip Morris, Manuel Paris, Archie Twitchell and Frank Wilcox. For my money there are better examples of the genre more deserving of the “classic” mantel, but this is very good. Based on Mainwaring’s novel, it was remade as AGAINST ALL ODDS.

BULLET See: THE REAL THING

BULLET BALLET (1998 JPN) D/W/P: SHINYA TSUKAMOTO Tsukamoto himself plays an advertising executive whose girlfriend commits suicide (maybe) by shooting herself in the head. He becomes obsessed with owning a gun and finally makes one himself. He also gets involved with a street gang and a strange girl in this confusing and pretentious b/w waste of time from the usually fascinating director of TETSUO, HIRUKO and TOKYO FIST. With Tomoroh Taguchi, Kyoka Suzuki (from 39, also reviewd in this book) and Hisashi Igawa. Tsukamoto got back on track with the excellent, bigger-budgeted GEMINI next.

A BULLET FOR PRETTY BOY (1970 US) D/P: LARRY BUCHANAN W: HENRY ROSENBLAUM/ANTHONY HOUSTON (uncredited) Teen idol Fabian stars as real-life Oklahoma farmer Charles Floyd, who accidentally kills a man, runs away from a chain gang (with Buchanan regular Bill Thurman) and eventually ends up robbing Midwestern banks. After reading how awful this was supposed to be, I was surprised that it was just as ok as many other depression era crime movies (with occasional laughable moments). With Adam Roarke, Jocelyn Lane, Cynthia Rose, Anne MacAdams, Morgan Fairchild and wrestler and stuntman Michael Gaynes. Fabian had already played the same character in 1959’s PRETTY BOY FLOYD.

A BULLET FOR THE GENERAL (el chucho quien sabe?; quien sabe?) (1966 ITL SPN) D: DAMIANO DAMIANI W: SALVATORE LAURANI/FRANCO SOLINAS P: BIANCO MANINI Mysterious (and dapper) Lou Castel (dubbed by William Berger in the English-language version) is an American passenger who helps bandits led by (the excellent) Gian-Maria Volonte ransack a train carrying army munitions. Then he joins their ranks as a gunrunner, seemingly ruthless and only interested in profit. I couldn’t help thinking that he looks like Doogie Howser M.D. out-west! Klaus Kinski is Volonte’s religious fanatic brother in one of the best (and most political) Eurowesterns ever made. Martine Beswicke co-stars, with Valentino Macchi, Aldo Sambrell, Andrea Checchi, Jaime Fernandez and José Manuel Martin. The ending is low-key yet rousing. Ennio Morricone was musical supervisor for composer Luis Enriquez Bacalov. Shot by Antonio Sechhi. Years later Damiani directed the first of the AMITYVILLE sequels. Sadly most of his other features are fairly difficult to get a hold of with English subtitles.

A BULLET FROM GOD See: GOD’S GUN

BULLET IN THE HEAD (dip huet gaai tau; die xie jie tou) (1990 HK) D/W/P: JOHN WOO W: PATRICK LEUNG PAK KIN/JANET CHIN Tony Leung, Jacky Cheung and Waise Lee are all very good as three friends from Hong Kong who end up in wartime Vietnam. This epic melodrama is filled with impressive action sequences and the kind of clichés that only Woo can get away with. It’s one of his best from the off — an opening montage set to a dodgy muzak rendition of I’m A Believer. With Simon Yam, Fennie Yuen, Pau Hei Ching and Woo in his usual cameo, this time as a cop.

BULLETPROOF GANGSTER See: KILL THE IRISHMAN

BULLETPROOF MONK (2003 US) D: PAUL HYNTER W: ETHAN REIFF/CYRUS VORIS P: TERENCE CHANG/ CHARLES ROVEN/DOUGLAS SEGAL/JOHN WOO An old Tibetan monk who does not age (Chow Yun Fat) must keep a secret scroll out of the hands of a determined Nazi (Karel Roden) in modern-day NYC. Seann William Scott is the unlikely pickpocket (working at a kung fu movie theatre run by Mako) who reluctantly helps Fat protect the scroll and gains gravity defying martial arts skills. Ridiculous comic book adaption is too silly to be taken seriously, but not fun enough to be a good time. I saw it on an plane flight where it adequately wasted 100 mins of flight time, but I can’t imagine enjoying it anywhere else. With Jaime King, Victoria Smurfia and Russell Yuen.

THE BULLET TRAIN (shinkansen dai bakuha) (1975 JPN) D/W: JUNYA SATO W: RYUNOSUKE ONO P: KANJI AMAO/SUNAO SAKAGAMI Clearly the makers of SPEED saw the cut (missing 30 mins) and dubbed US release of this Japanese disaster movie… Sonny Chiba is at the controls of a cross-country bullet train which can’t drop below 80 km/h because a bomb planted by out-of-work Ken Takakura and his cronies will go off. There’s another train on a collision course! There’s a pregnant woman on-board!! The passengers start a riot!!! It has its moments and some cool 70s vibes (and music), but the makers of SPEED had it right when they condensed their action to a shorter running time. Two-and-a-half-hours is too long. With Eiji go (Joe Shishido’s brother), Kinya Kitaoji, Takashi Shimura, Tetsuro Tamba, Etsuko Shihomi, Kunie Tanaka, Ken Utsui, Fumio Watanabe and Kei Yamamoto.

BULLITT (1968 US) D: PETER YATES W: ALAN R. TRUSTMAN/HARRY KLEINER P: PHILIP D’ANTONI Steve McQueen is the rogue San Francisco cop (based on the real-life Inspector David Toschi, later played by Mark Ruffalo in ZODIAC) suspicious of his assignment to look after a gangster witness for politician Robert Vaughn (who’s great). No need to mention the famous car chase, the film stands up as a superior crime thriller even without it, successfully changing the locale of Bob Pike’s novel Mute Wintess from New York to SF. Lalo Schifrin wrote the great musical score. With Jacqueline Bisset, Don Gordon, Robert Duvall, Simon Oakland, Norman Fell, Vic Tayback, Joanna Cassidy and Frank Gerstle. D’Antoni also produced another two movies famous for their car chase scenes, THE FRENCH CONNECTION and THE SEVENUPS. He hired the British Yates on the strength of his work in ROBBERY.

BULLY (2001 US FRA) D: LARRY CLARK W: ZACHARY LONG/ROGER PULLIS P: CHRIS HANLEY/DON MURPHY/FERNANDO SULICHIN/DAVID McKENNA Teen Brad Renfro (an associate producer) is sick of being pushed around by his bullying buddy Nick Stahl. Girlfriend Bijou Phillips convinces him that they should kill him. Far from keeping it a secret, these none-too-bright teens collect a posse who blab about their intentions openly as they all plot how and where to do it. Based on a true story (and the Jim Schutze book that chronicled it), this is probably Clark’s most effective film to date. Believable, compelling and non-judgemental. With Michael Pitt, Leo Fitzpatrick, Kelli Garner, Daniel Franzese, Tiffany Limos and a Clark cameo.

BUMMER! (the sadist) (1972 US) D/P: WILLIAM ALLEN CASTLEMAN W: ALVIN L. FAST P: DAVID F. FRIEDMAN I think many were disappointed by this look at rock’n’roll and groupies because they took the title to be tongue-in-cheek. But take it seriously and you’ll be more prepared for a downbeat, exploitation melodrama that’s pretty good for what it is. The Group is held back by Butts (Dennis Burkley), the fat lecherous bass player who treats women like shit and even goes so far as rape. With Carol Speed, Jay Adler and cameos from Bob Cresse and Friedman. Gary Graver was the photographer. Underrated.

THE BUN MAN (the untold story; human meat pies; baat sin faan ji yan cha shiu baau; ba xian fan dian zhi ren rou cha shao) (1992 HK) D: HERMAN YAU D/W/P: DANNY LEE (uncredited) W: LAW GAM FAI All hail THE BUN MAN, a must-see classic of exploitation cinema. Anthony Wong (who wielded a mean flying guillotine in THE HEROIC TRIO) won the Best Actor Golden Horse Award for his portrayal of a psycho who acquires a restaurant after slaughtering the family who owned it during a mah-jong game. He puts their remains in the meat pies he sells. This full-on interpretation of the Sweeney Todd story was hugely influential in Hong Kong and has scenes that would give most western censors a heart attack. Hacking up kids with a meat cleaver and a rape involving a fistful of chopsticks come to mind. Brilliant as all this is, the film turns a sharp corner when Wong becomes the victim of extreme cruelty at the hands of police, who try to exact a confession. Water is injected under his skin so he can’t fall asleep! Add to this some dumb comedy (!) involving cops throwing up and ogling Danny Lee’s girlfriends and you’ve got an evergreen favourite that’ll never lose its edge. With Parkman Wong, Shing Fui On, Emily Kwan, Lau Siu Ming and Julie Lee. Inferior sequels (in name only) followed.

BUNNY YEAGER’S NUDE CAMERA (1963 US) D/P: BARRY MAHON This is little more than just over 60 mins of models posing topless for photographer Yeager, who narrates on the theme of her business. The result is a doubtless informative but sleepinducing nudie flick. With Allison Louis Downe from H.G. Lewis movies. The video I saw (I think the Alpha Blue Archives print) also included a documentary by Nico B. called 100 GIRLS, in which Yeager narrates an overview of her career (stretching back to the late-40s) and guides us through a scrapbook of some of her many models (including Bettie Page). Mahon later directed the slightly less catatonic BUNNY YEAGER’S NUDE LAS VEGAS.

BUNNY YEAGER’S NUDE LAS VEGAS (1964 US) D/P BARRY MAHON W: “VERNON MARSH” (MAURICE McENDREE) Cute white haired photographer Yeager and her cool husband (Bud Erwin) take a break from work in Miami Beach and go to Vegas. Once there, a local comic relief “sharp operator” (always in shades) hassles them to do some work. They oblige in order to help the irritating and selfish Peggy Pepper pay-off gambling debts. Peggy and other models pose topless (usually in a hotel room, but later at a lake). Tame, minimal stuff that lasts just over one hour.

BUNRAKU (2010 US) D/W: GUY MOSHE W: BOAZ DAVIDSON P: NAVA LEVIN/RAM BERGMAN/JESSICA WU/KEITH CALDER In a retro-futurist Old West digital backlot neverland, card shark and killer Josh Hartnett teams up with a Japanese warrior (popstar Gackt) and sage barkeep Woody Harrelson to get revenge, and topple an oppressive hierarchy personified by Ron Perlman, and his head assassin (Kevin McKidd). Hyperstylised action movie supposed homage to Japanese puppet theatre is desperate to become a cult favourite, and I’m sure looks exactly the way it was intended. But the intended way is irritating as fuck in every way. With Shun Sugata, Demi Moore, Jordi Molla and (too much) narration by Mike Patton (of Mr. Bungle/Faith No More). It may be even more annoying than SUKIYAKI WESTERN DJANGO (2007), which is saying something. Shot in Romania.

THE BURGLAR (1956 US) D: PAUL WENDKOS W: DAVID GOODIS P: LOUIS W. KELLMAN Wendkos’ debut is a very good crime drama character study based on Goodis’ novel. Dan Duryea and Jayne Mansfield are part of a trio of crooks who rob a wealthy fake spiritualist and then argue amongst themselves while on the run. But that’s just the beginning of the story. Atmospheric, surprising and well worth a look. Remade in France as THE BURGLARS.

THE BURGLARS (le casse; gli scassinatori) (1972 FRA ITL) D/W/P: HENRI VERNEUIL W: VAHE KATCHA This remake of THE BURGLAR stars Jean-Paul Belmondo and Omar Sharif and is actually pretty good (if overlong). An extended car chase and fist-fight scene is the highlight of this heist movie. With Robert Hossein, Renato Salavatori and Raoul Delfosse.

BURIAL GROUND See: THE NIGHTS OF TERROR

BURIED (limit) (2009 SPN US FRA) D: RODRIGO CORTES W: CHRIS SPARLING P: ADRIAN GUERRA/ PETER SAFRAN Claustrophobic nail-biter has Ryan Reynolds (who I’ve never really liked before, but is just fine here) waking up in a coffin underground, with a cell phone and a lighter. A series of calls reveals how he got there, and slowly offer hope of escape. Very well-done, stylish experiment (we never really leave the coffin) and less gimmicky than it sounds. With the voices of Stephen Tobolowsky, Samantha Mathis and Erik Palladino.

BURIED ALIVE (1979) See: BEYOND THE DARKNESS

BURIED ALIVE (1990 US) D: FRANK DARABONT W: MARK PATRICK CARDUCCI/DAVID A. DAVIES P: NIKI MARVIN Jennifer Jason Leigh and lover William Atherton poison her husband and have him buried alive. The husband (Tim Matheson) comes back from the grave for revenge in this surprisingly good and fun tv movie. With Hoyt Axton. Darabont went on to direct THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. BURIED ALIVE II (1997) followed.

THE BURKITTSVILLE 7 (2000 US) D/W/P: BEN ROCK P: JAY BOGDANOSWITCH Another fake documentary expanding the myth around THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. This one is more interesting than most, exploring events before those depicted in that film, but is ultimately pretty much a waste of time considering it’s about nothing real at all.

THE BURNING (1981 US HK CAN) D/W: TONY MAYLAM W: PETER LAWRENCE/BRAD GREY W/P: HARVEY WEINSTEIN Here’s an above average teen slasher movie, in fact it’s pretty good. A seriously disfigured (he was burned) summer camp caretaker kills teenagers with hedge cutters and stabs a NYC hooker in the stomach (the Tom Savini FX are excellent). Some parts are pretty shocking. With Jason Alexander, Fisher Stevens and a barely visible Holly Hunter. Jack Sholder did the (pretty good) editing.

THE BURNING HELL (1974 US) D/W/P: RON ORMOND After the unbelievable IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU, WHAT WILL HORSES DO?, the Ormond family teamed up again with preacher/author/shameless scaremonger Estus W. Pirkle to bring us this one-hour wonder. Tim Ormond (who photographed and edited with his dad Ron) is a young biker (looking like a beatnik) who sits in on Pirkle’s sermon about Hell after his friend is decapitated in a motorcycle accident. The callous, none too subtle Pirkle assures Tim that his friend is roasting in Hell as he speaks. Pirkle bases his story on events in Israel at the time of Jesus Christ (seen in reconstruction), but the scenes in a fiery Hell are what make this film worth the watch. Close-ups of the damned with maggots crawling on their faces are pretty horrible, and look for the “locust” monsters (half-man, half-horse with fangs, scorpion tails and “the hair of a woman”). If these scenes were in a horror movie they’d be praised today by fans for being effective and creepy. In a way, more shocking than the Ormonds’ exploitation movies ever were. June Ormond did the makeup and helped with the production.

BURNING PARADISE (huo shao hong lian si; feng shiu hung lin chi) (1993 HK) D: RINGO LAM W: NAM YIN P: TSUI HARK Willie Chi Tin Sang is folk hero Fong Sai Yuk, who helps prisoners escape from the Manchus’ scary Red Lotus temple, in this very well done period mix of martial arts and horror. The temple has a pit of corpses, many cool hidden traps and bodyguards who can really fight. With Carman Lee and John Ching Tung, and plenty of action. The director is best known for modern-day actioners like CITY ON FIRE and FULL CONTACT.

BURNING TERMINATOR See: BURNING VENGEANCE

BURNING VENGEANCE (burning terminator) (1988 US) D/WP: RONALD C. ROSS P: SUSANNA MOSS I picked up this one at a secondhand video stall in a Tokyo supermarket for 500 yen. I wouldn’t recommend this very bad revenge movie even for that low price, but the very weird, stilted dialogue leads me to believe that director Ross (who has a large acting part) was possessed by the ghost of Ed Wood. The drug kingpin character is called Mr. Crack!!! Mexican director Mario Hernandez has a part and a death-by-lawnmower booby trap scene made me laugh myself awake near the end.

BURNT OFFERINGS (1976 US) D/W/P: DAN CURTIS W: WILLIAM F. NOLAN Oliver Reed and Karen Black rent an old mansion for the summer, bringing along their kid and aunt Bette Davis. The mysterious owners (including Burgess Meredith) leave them to it, provided they care for their never-seen grandma living in a room at the top of the house. The house somehow changes them, sucking away their personalities in this atmospheric, interesting yet predictable chiller. Based on Robert Marasco’s novel, it’s worth a look. With Dub Taylor. The whole cast is very good.

BURN, WITCH, BURN! See: NIGHT OF THE EAGLE

BUS See: SHUTTLE

BUSHIDO See: DUEL AT GANRYU ISLAND

BUS 17 IS MISSING See: CHEERLEADERS WILD WEEKEND

BUSTING (1974 US) D/W: PETER HYAMS P: ROBERT CHARTOFF/IRWIN WINKLER LA vice cops Elliott Gould and Robert Blake try to bring down drug kingpin Allen Garfield despite high-level corruption and apathy in this good street-level cops’n’robbers movie. With Antonio Fargas, Michael Lerner, Sid Haig, Logan Ramsey, Carl Eller and Chick Hearn.

BUSTROID See: ROBOTRIX

BUTCHER, BAKER, NIGHTMARE MAKER (nightmare maker; night warning; the evil protégé; thrilled to death) (1980 US) D: WILLIAM ASHER W/P: STEPHEN BREMIER W: ALAN JAY GLUECKMAN/ BOON COLLINS Jimmy McNichol (star of 1981’s SMOKEY BITES THE DUST) is a teen basketball-playing high schooler with a girlfriend (Julia Duffy), who was raised by aunt Susan Tyrrell (who we know is demented from the outset, but it is Susan Tyrrell so what do you expect?). Trouble starts when he threatens to leave her on a scholarship, and she forces him to stab a tv repairman to death, after claiming that he raped her. More people die and a homophobic, unlikeable cop (Bo Svenson, who’s great) investigates, knowing something is wrong (but he’s way off-the-mark). As a horror movie it’s not particularly good or bad, but it’s the unusual characters and unexpected directions the film takes that make it worth a look for connoisseurs of better-than-average slashers. With Steve Eastin and Bill Paxton. An uncredited Jan De Bont shot a decapitation scene before going on his way. Ted Nicolaou was the editor. Asher had only directed tv between this and the very different BEACH PARTY movies of the 60s.

THE BUTCHER BOY (1997 IRE US) D/W: NEIL JORDAN W: PATRICK McCABE P: REDMOND MORRIS/ STEPHEN WOOLEY Eamonn Owens is brilliant as an Irish kid growing up in a small town during the early 60s. Stephen Rea (a Jordan regular) is his alcoholic father, and his mother suffers nervous breakdowns and commits suicide. Owens sees visions of the virgin Mary (Sinead O’Connor) while in boarding school and imagines a conspiracy against him emanating from a neighbourhood woman. This hilarious but disturbing feature has to be one of the best and most realistic depictions of schizophrenia, and convincingly charts young Owen’s descent from mischievous behaviour to shocking murder and mutilation. Much is made of paranoia over the Cuban missile crisis and clips from THE LONE RANGER, THE FUGITIVE and THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS are seen. With Fiona Shaw, Ian Hart, Milo O’Shea, Sean Hughes, Ardal O’Hanlon, Sean McGinley, John Kavanagh and Brendan Gleason. An excellent adaptation of McCabe’s excellent novel, this was a box office disaster but is one of the best film of the 90s. Jordan made IN DREAMS next.

BUTTCRACK (1998 US) D/W: JIM LARSEN P: CYNTHIA A. GEARY A guy with horrible blond hair and loud t-shirt (he’s supposed to be a student, I think, but is way too old) keeps trying to propose to his girlfriend, but his fat, loud room-mate Wade keeps interrupting them, bending over and showing his buttcrack. Wade ends up dead when a radio is thrown in the bathtub with him, but returns from the grave (with his butt cleavage still showing) thanks to a voodoo curse from his sister. Mojo Nixon is Preacherman Bob in a low-budget production that’s amusing to begin with, but soon completely runs out of ideas. Unsurprisingly, Troma released it.

BUTTERFLY (1965) See: THE COLLECTOR

THE BUTTERFLY (2001) See: NABI

THE BUTTERFLY MURDERS (dip bin; die bian) (1979 HK) D: TSUI HARK W: LAM CHI MING P: NG SEE YUEN Hark’s debut is a flawed but intriguing, unusual and visually impressive period murder mystery set in an old castle full of secret rooms and tunnels where people appear to be killed by swarms of butterflies. Lau Siu Ming, Michelle Lai and Wong Shu Tong star, with Ha Kwong Li (THE WOMAN AVENGER), Eddy Ko Hung and Tino Wong. Needs a proper widescreen release, as I had to watch it on an infuriating vcd transfer where the format hadn’t been chosen in regard to the English subtitles that kept drifting off the bottom of the screen. I’m sure this resulted in me not fully understanding the story.

BY HOOK OR BY CROOK (haam yue faan sang; xian yu fan sheng) (1980 HK) D/P: KARL MAKA W: RAYMOND WONG Director Maka plays Butcher Wing, a sheriff who threatens to throw Dean Shek (a perennial goofy actor who has cameos in countless kung fu films) into jail unless he helps to catch the mysterious bandit Flower Kid. At first Shek targets Sammo Hung, but discovers that he’s a fake. Sammo and Shek team-up to persuade the real bandit (Wu Ma) to come out of retirement and defeat a ruthless killer (I think; the plot got a little ahead of me at this point). Very silly kung fu comedy begins to grate midway through, but there are nice moments, and I’m glad that someone gave Shek a substantially larger part than usual (I haven’t seen John Woo’s LAUGHING TIMES [1981] yet, though, in which Shek plays Charlie Chaplin!). At one point he and Sammo break into a blind and deaf man’s hut while he’s sleeping and fart in his face. With Eric Tsang as a gunslinger, Chung Faat, Lam Ching Ying in a small part, Peter Chan Lung, Hon Gwok Choi and a soundtrack that sounds stolen from a spaghetti western.

BY INDIAN POST (1919 US) D: JOHN “JACK” FORD W: H. TIPTON STECK Only silent movie historians or Ford completists will really appreciate the surviving 13 mins of this romantic comedy western tworeeler (which probably ran approximately 20 when new). Pete Morrison stars in the tale of a stolen love-letter and subsequent chase. With Duke R. Lee and Hoot Gibson. In b/w. Based on a story by William Wallace Cook.

THE CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI (das cabinet des dr. caligari) (1919 GER) D: ROBERT WIENE W: HANS JANOWITZ/CARL MEYER/ERICH POMMER Werner Krauss is Dr. Caligari, who controls somnambulist Conrad Veidt and makes him kill in this extremely unsettling silent horror classic. The abstract, impressionistic sets are reason alone to watch and help this really get inside your head. With director Friedrich Feher, Lil Dagover, Hans Heinrich Von Twardowski and Rudolf Klein-Rogge. Remakes and reinterpretations that don’t even come close include the 1962 version of the same name, THE CABINET OF DR. RAMIREZ (1991) and DR. CALIGARI. Wiene and Veidt also collaborated on another influential horror, THE HANDS OF ORLAC in 1924.

CABIN FEVER (2002 US) D/W/P: ELI ROTH W: RANDY PEARLSTEIN P: EVAN ASTROWSKY/SAM FROELICH/LAUREN MOEWS Irritating teens (Jordan Ladd, Rider Strong, James De Bello, Cerina Vincent and Joey Kern) drive up to a cabin in the woods. An unexplained flesh-eating disease infects them in this comical gore movie. Roth (who makes a cameo appearance) obviously wants to mix it up a bit (a good ambition if you ask me) and his influences are a bit wider than the usual fanboy junk, but fails to include any decent shocks or jokes that are actually funny. His hit HOSTEL was not an improvement. With Giuseppe Andrews. There was a sequel by Ti West in 2009.

CAFÉ FLESH (1982 US) D/W/P: “RINSE DREAM” (STEVEN SAYADIAN) W: “HERBERT W. DAY” (JERRY STAHL) P: “F.X. POPE” (JOSEPH ROBERTSON) “Sex positives” perform stylised (and often freaky) stage shows for pathetic, bitter, voyeur “sex negatives” in the safety zone Café Flesh in a post-nuke city of the future. An MC makes fun of the audience, often seen gazing at the acts in creepy awe. Obviously not the kind of thing that regular porno theatregoers wanted to see, but it did garner a cult following of people who didn’t usually watch hardcore regularly (pre-vcr). I expected to hate it after seeing Sayadian’s DR. CALIGARI remake, but ended up pretty engrossed and parts really struck a chord. With Pia Snow (aka Michelle Bauer), Richard Belzer and Kevin James. This must have inspired Gregory Dark. Avoid the R rated versions out there.

CAGED FURY (prison angel) (1989 US) D/W: BILL MILLING P: BOB GALLAGHER Some unconvincing and un-entertaining crap about a secret women’s prison in Hollywood incarcerating actress wannabes. Even Paul Smith, Michael Parks and James Hong in the cast (briefly) doesn’t make it worth watching. With Jack Carter, Ron Jeremy, Ty Randolph, Kascha, Sandra Margot (aka Tyffany Million), Jorgo Ogenovski, Julia Parton, Erik Estrada, Gregory Scott Cummins, Alison LePriol, Janine Lindamulder and The Zeros.

CAGED GIRLS See: CHAINED GIRLS

CAGED HEAT! (renegade girls) (1974 US) D/W: JONATHAN DEMME P: SAMUEL W. GELFMAN/ EVELYN PURCELL/ROGER CORMAN (uncredited) Demme’s directorial debut is a superior, racy women-in-prison flick with interesting politics mixed in with the shower scenes and violence. Barbara Steele is the bitter wheelchair-bound warden with lesbian tendencies. The breakout is rousing stuff and a cop’s ear gets shot off. With Juanita Brown, Roberta Collins, Erica Gavin, Rainbeaux Smith. Desiree Costeau and Carmen Argenziano. Producer Purcell was Demme’s wife and John Cale provides an interesting soundtrack. Tak Fujimoto was the cinematographer. First-class stuff.

CAGED WOMEN See: BARBED WIRE DOLLS

CAIN’S CUTTHROATS (cain’s way; the blood seekers; justice cain) (1970 US) D/P: KENT OSBORNE W: WILTON DENMARK P: BUDD DELL A gang of stupid, violent Confederate soldiers cut off a Union soldier’s hand for the money in the box handcuffed to him. Then they go and find their old captain (Scott Brady) so they can rebuild their army. But Brady has seen the error of his ways and to their horror is now living with a black girl. The soldiers (led by Robert Dix) rape and kill her, burn down their house (with baby inside) and leave Brady for dead. He teams up with bounty hunter/preacher John Carradine for revenge in this ok low-budget western written by the guy who wrote the better JOHNNY FIRECLOUD. Carradine’s store of decapitated heads (proof of bounty) is often mentioned but not shown. With Valda Hansen (NIGHT OF THE GHOULS). Dix was also assistant director, and was in BLOOD OF DRACULA’S CASTLE with Carradine.

CAIN’S REVENGE See: AND GOD SAID TO CAIN…

CAIN’S WAY See: CAIN’S CUTTHROATS

THE CALAMARI WRESTLER (ika wrestler) (2003 JPN) D/W/P: MINORU KAWASAKI W: MASAZAKU MIGITA P: HIROYUKI YAMADA/SHUNTARO KANA The ok 2003 British film CRUST (about a giant shrimp boxer) was a hit on video in Japan (as Ebi — shrimp — Boxer), hence this very silly, cheap knock-off about a man-in-a-squid-suit wrestler. There’s also octopus and shellfish opponents for the once human champ to compete against. The gimmick is amusing, but you can enjoy that without actually sitting through the film. With special guests Terry Itto, Miho Haraishi, Osamu Nishimura, Ruu Oshiba, Yoshihiro Takayama, Tarzan Yamamoto, Eichiro Funakoshi, Torada Nambu from Dengeki Network and other forgotten oncepopular comedians. Kawasaki also wrote the theme tune lyrics, and Akio Jissoji is credited with helping the editors. There was a KANI (crab) GOALKEEPER movie in 2006 (I have the t-shirt)!

CALAMITY OF SNAKES (yan sau daai chin; ren she da zhan) (1983 HK) D/W: WILLIAM CHANG KEE W: CHARLIE LEE HANG LENG P: MADAM-SEE SEE CHANG This ridiculous horror movie has snakes taking their revenge for being mistreated. Workers on a building site smash (real) snakes with shovels and crush a nest of them with the bucket of a bulldozer. The surviving reptiles turn up to kill a couple having sex, SLUGS-style. A long time-wasting scene of a raccoon-eating snakes has dramatic music playing over it to try to make it more exciting, and somehow the snakes smash furniture and trash a room! When snakes jump (!) at our snake master hero, he catches one in his mouth and bites it in half. Comic relief is supplied by a fat woman, while lots of brave actors roll around on the floor covered in snakes. The main villain is a crooked land developer (“I’m at peace when my wallet is full”) who slices flying snakes with a sword and dies with the big boa boss at the end. The English-dubbed version has very silly dialogue. Pretty enjoyable all told. Later edited into SERPENT WARRIORS (1985).

THE CALENDAR GIRL MURDERS (insatiable; victimized) (1984 US) D: WILLIAM A. GRAHAM W: GREGORY S. DINALLO/SCOTT SWANTON P: JAMES O’FALLON A serial killer murders models and detective Tom Skerritt investigates in this dull tv movie. With Sharon Stone, Robert Morse, Robert Culp, Rip Taylor, Peter Brown, Claudia Christian and Alan Thicke.

CALIFORNIA CHEERLEADERS See: CHEERLEADERS BEACH PARTY

CALIGULA (caligula, my son; caligola; io, caligola) (1979 US ITL) D: TINTO BRASS W: GORE VIDAL P: BOB GUCCIONE/FRANCO ROSSELLINI This infamous, expensive, troubled production that began principal photography in 1978 (but was already three years in the making by that point) stars Malcolm McDowell as Caius Caligula (aka Little Boots), young Emperor of Rome (in 37–41 AD), whose crazed city reflects his own diseased state of mind. Teresa Ann Savoy is his sister, with whom he has an incestuous relationship. Helen Mirren is his official Queen, Caesonia (“the most promiscuous woman in Rome”). Particularly fun is Peter O’Toole as Tiberius, his grandfather and former Emperor. A bald John Steiner (from Brass’ notorious 1976 oddity SALON KITTY) is Longinus. It does go on a bit, stretching the viewer’s patience at 156 mins (the uncut version, now readily available; there were countless shorter edits over the years), but is a unique oddity with several great, surreal set pieces (anal fisting wedding ceremony, the imperial brothel, the decapitation machine etc.). Critics (and outraged actors involved) have complained for years about the hardcore (and mostly softcore) sex footage added by Guccione (of Penthouse), but they add up to only six mins of footage, and I think suit the decadent mood well enough (Brass had already filmed enough sex and nudity all by himself). For all of its grand designs, one oddly jarring element is a lack of extras in supposed mass crowd scenes. With John Gielgud and Penthouse Pet of the Year 1975, Anneka Di Lorenzo. That is not Steve Railsback as a gutted soldier, by the way (looks like him). Patrick Allen’s distinctive voice overdubbed the fellow playing Macros. Danilo Donati oversaw the costume department (and for FLASH GORDON the following year!).

CALIGULA 2: THE UNTOLD STORY (emperor caligula: the untold story; l’imperatore caligula) (1981 ITL) D/W: “DAVID HILLS” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) W: “RICHARD FRANKS” (LUIGI MONTEFIROE aka GEORGE EASTMAN) Massaccesi’s attempt to outdo the infamous CALIGULA is sleazy as fuck, and overall more straightforward entertainment. A horse involved in a (hardcore) orgy (like in Massaccesi’s EMANUELLE IN AMERICA) and a spear going up someone’s ass are highlights. Laura Gemser is the real star. With Gabriele Tinti and assistant director Michele Soavi (who also worked on the screenplay, apparently).

CALIGULA 3 See: CALIGULA’S SLAVES

CALIGULA AND MESSALINA (caligula’s perversions; caligula et messalina) (1982 ITL FRA) D/W: ANTHONY PASS D: JEAN-JACQUES RENAUN P: PIERRE HANIN There’s lots of nudity and sex and the occasional glimpse of horse genitals in this ok low-budget retread (one of many) of the infamous CALIGULA. Messalina is a black female gladiator. With Jimmy il Fenomeno and an uncredited Salvatore Baccaro (Boris Lugosi).

CALIGULA, MY SON See: CALIGULA

CALIGULA REINCARNATED AS HITLER See: THE GESTAPO’S LAST ORGY

CALIGULA’S PERVERSIONS See: CALIGULA AND MESSALINA

CALIGULA’S SLAVES (orgies of caligula; caligula 3; la schiave di caligola) (1984 ITL) D: “LAWRENCE WEBBER” (LORENZO ONORATI) W: “DAN KELLY” W/P: “FRANK KRAMER” (GIANFRANCO PAROLINI) Caligula “the living god” says “a god is always alone” and “I just want to be able to love” in this late entry in the cycle of copies following Tinto Brass’ flawed epic, CALIGULA. It’s as good as any of the others, but doesn’t have much nudity and sleaze. Parolini appears as Lucius.

THE CALL See: ONE MISSED CALL (2003)

CALL DETROIT 9000 See: DETROIT 9000

THE CALLER (paradox world) (1987 US) D: ARTHUR ALLAN SEIDELMAN W: MICHAEL SLOANE P: FRANK YABLANS Madolyn Smith lives in a remote cabin in the woods. Pushy weirdo Malcolm McDowell turns up in the middle of the night wanting to use her phone. The two play an odd cat and mouse game and talk A LOT. This continues the next day in town (where no one else lives) and back at the cabin again, and we realise that it is indeed some kind of premeditated game. This very odd Empire release shot in Italy for executive producer Charles Band is kind of worth sitting through for the ridiculous surprise ending. It could have been a stage play. [Illus.]

CALL HARRY CROWN See: 99 AND 44/100% DEAD

CALL HIM MR. SHATTER See: SHATTER

THE CALLING See: BELLS

CALLING DR. DEATH (1943 US) D: REGINALD LeBORG W: EDWARD DEIN ASSOC P: BEN PIVAR Lon Chaney Jr. starred in six b/w quickies based on the popular spooky/mystery/horror radio show Inner Sanctum. This was the first one. Chaney plays a hypnotising neurologist with a gold-digging bitch of a wife with dreams of being with his nice secretary (Patricia Morrison). During an extended blackout on his part, the wife ends up murdered. Did he do it? Detective J. Carrol Naish seems to think so. Sixty-three nothing special mins, but watchable hokum, with Chaney in an unusual role of a genuinely sympathetic possible murderer ready to condemn himself (his voice-over thoughts rarely registers above a whisper). The best part is the opening intro, delivered by a disembodied floating head. With David Bruce (star of the same year’s THE MAD GHOUL), Fay Helm, Holmes Herbert, Alec Craig, Kerman Cripps, Frederick Giermann, Al Ferguson, Charles Waggenheim, George Eldredge, Perc Launders, John Elliott, Robert F. Hill, Earl Hodgins, Jack C. Smith, Rex Lease, Frank Marlowe, Charles R. Moore and Jack Rockwell. Followed by WEIRD WOMAN, DEAD MAN’S EYES, THE FROZEN GHOST, STRANGE CONFESSION and PILLOW OF DEATH (!), all within a two-year span. Screenwriter Dein also directed SHACK OUT ON 101, CURSE OF THE UNDEAD and THE LEECH WOMAN, among others.

CALL ME (1988 US) D/W: SOLLACE MITCHELL W: KARYN KAY P: JOHN E. QUILL/KENNETH F. MARTEL Patricia Charbonneau is a New York journalist stalked by two lowlifes (Stephen McHattie and Steve Buscemi) who believe she has missing police pay-off money. Someone is also making obscene phone calls to her that she starts to enjoy. Typically lacklustre late-80s attempt at an erotic thriller, the phone call involving orange masturbation being particularly un-sexy. With Patti D’Arbanville, David Strathairn and (of course) a saxaphone-heavy soundtrack.

CALL ME BLACKMAIL! See: BLACKMAIL IS MY LIFE

THE CALL OF CTHULHU (2005 US) D/P: ANDREW LEMAN W/P: SEAN BRANNEY Faux-silent b/w featurette (47 mins) based on H.P. Lovecraft’s ultimately extremely influential short story, as if it had been adapted when it was still new. The filmmakers are clearly in love with the material, utilising oldfashioned FX and miniature techniques (and some vintage stock-footage) to convey the dreamlike meta-narrative of an ancient, eldritch slumbering god in danger of being awakened in the remote corners of Earth. It would be churlish to sneer at the digital sheen, or unavoidable cheapness of such a low-budget production, and instead I would suggest that Lovecraft fans will appreciate the effort, while the uninitiated should probably stay that way (it’s not an entry point for an appreciation of Lovecraft, and of dubious entertainment value to the casual viewer). The only cast member you may be familiar with is Barry Lynch (Richard’s brother). Branney tackled Lovecraft again with THE WHISPERER IN DARKNESS (2011).

CALTIKI, THE IMMORTAL MONSTER (caltiki, the undying monster; caltiki, il mostro immortale) (1959 ITL) D: “ROBERT HAMPTON” (RICCARDO FREDA)/MARIO BAVA (uncredited) W: “PHILLIP JUST” (FILIPPO SANJUST) P: SAMUEL SCHNEIDER/ BRUNO VAILATI “Based on an ancient Mexican legend.” An expedition in Mexico for Mayan artefacts discover a small underground lake in a cave. A radioactive mass emerges and melts people, leaving only skeletons behind. One scarred survivor becomes a crazed killer, but it’s the pulsating, expanding blob monster that’s the real star of this atmospheric b/w horror (shot by Bava, as “John Foam”). Slow in places, but worth sticking with, and much better than the original THE BLOB. It was shot in Spain. With Didi Perego-Sullivan, Giacomo Rossi-Stuart, Daniele Vargas and Nerio Bernadi. Apparently Freda walked before shooting finished to give Bava a break (same story as with 1956’s I VAMPIRI).

CAMILLE 2000 (1969 US ITL) D/P: RADLEY METZGER W: MICHAEL DeFORREST In this very chic and 60s update of Alexandre Dumas’ La Dame Aux Camelia, Nino Castelnuovo navigates the many parties of bored, rich young jet setters in Rome, with his sights on the voluptuous, deceitful Danielle Gaubert. It’s an extremely good-looking colour film with elegant, unusual sex scenes featuring great image compositions, accompanied by a fine score from Piero Piccioni. But like its characters, it’s cool to a fault, rendering it dramatically frigid, but I guess that this might be the point. With Eleanora Rossi-Drago, Massimo Serato and Enzo Fiermonte. The Euroobsessed Metzger made THE LICKERISH QUARTET (1970) next.

CAMP 731 See: MAN BEHIND THE SUN (series)

CANDY (candy e il suo pazzo mondo) (1968 US ITL FRA) D: CHRISTIAN MARQUAND W: BUCK HENRY P: ROBERT HAGGIAG Ewa Aulin is Candy Christian, an innocent, cute and sexy high school girl who’s hit upon by a series of lecherous older men in this plotless, rambling all-star oddity from the heady 60s. Richard Burton, Ringo Starr, John Astin (in a dual role), James Coburn, Walter Matthau, hunchback Charles Aznavour and guru Marlon Brando (in the back of a truck) all try to make their move on the irresistible Candy. I’ve heard it described as a satire, but I found no redeeming value (apart from the shapely charms of Aulin) in this pretentious mess based on Terry Southern and Mason Hoffenberg’s novel. With John Huston, Sugar Ray Robinson, Elisa Martinelli, Anita Pallenberg, Florinda Bokan, Lea Padovani, Marilu Tolo, Enrico Maria Salerno, Enzo Fiermonte and Jerry Forman.

CANDYMAN (1992 US) D/W: BERNARD ROSE P: STEVE GOLIN/ALAN POUL/SIGURJON SIGHVATSSON Based on his short story The Forbidden this is a pretty successful Clive Barker (an executive producer) adaptation from the UK director of CHICAGO JOE AND THE SHOWGIRL (1990). Virginia Madsen is a college student investigating the Candyman urban myth for a thesis. Tony Todd is Candyman, a supernatural figure with a hook hand and a chest cavity full of bees. He used to be a 19th century slave, who was lynched for sleeping with a white woman. Not bad at all, but someone has yet to make a truly great Barker adaption (even the man himself has failed). With Xander Berkeley, Ted Raimi, Kasi Lemmons, Rusty Schwimmer, Stanley DeSantis and Rose.

CANDYMAN 2: FAREWELL TO THE FLESH (1995 US) D: BILL CONDON W: RAND RAVICH/MARK KRUGER P: SIGURJON SIGHVATSSON/GREGG FIENBERG Tony Todd returns as the mythical figure in this terrible sequel set in New Orleans. We get Candyman’s backstory of a persecuted slave. With Bill Nunn, Matt Clark, Veronica Cartwright and Carl Ciarfalio. Clive Barker was executive producer. Condon also made SISTER, SISTER.

CANDYMAN 3: DAY OF THE DEAD (1999 US) D/W: TURI MEYER W/P: AL SEPTIEN P: WILLIAM STUART Donna D’Erccio is the great, great granddaughter of Candyman, living in the Mexican quarter of LA. At an art gallery display of his work, she says his name five times into the mirror as a publicity stunt and Todd (this time co-producer as well) returns to kill. This sequel (set during Mexican Day of the Dead celebrations) is totally useless. With Wade Williams and Ernie Hudson Jr.

THE CANDY SNATCHERS (1973 US) D: GUERDON TRUEBLOOD W/P: BRYAN GINDOFF A cute and sexy high school girl named Candy (Susan Sennett) is kidnapped and buried alive by a woman (Tiffany Bolling from WICKED WICKED) and two men who demand a diamond as ransom. Things do not go as planned as twists make their way into the story. Pretty good, and the ending is cool, but if they’d just kicked into high gear with the sleaze, nudity and violence it could have been a classic. With James Whitworth (Jupiter in THE HILLS HAVE EYES).

CANDY STRIPE NURSES (sweet candy) (1974 US) D/W: ALLAN HOLLEB P: JULIE CORMAN After STUDENT, PRIVATE DUTY, NIGHT CALL and YOUNG, we get nurses that are CANDY STRIPE (volunteer help). Candice Rialson, Robin Mattson and Mario Rojo are the three sexy leads in this typical mix of sex, comedy, drama and politics. There’s no reason these films should be as entertaining as they are, but for some reason they are really watchable. With Dick Miller as a heckler at a basketball game and Sally Kirkland. Barbara Peeters (HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP) was the second unit director and Roger Corman was executive producer.

THE CANDY TANGERINE MAN (1975 US) D/P: “MATT CIMBER” (MATTEO OTTAVIANO) W: GEORGE THEAKOS When will this blaxploitation classic get the cult reputation it so richly deserves? John Daniels is a suburban businessman by day who becomes tough, garish pimp “The Black Baron” by night. Surrealy bad acting from the cast, (apparently) real hookers (with their breasts cut off) and more nasty violence rules the day as the Baron battles Italian gangsters. He also drives around in a candy-coloured Rolls-Royce with a set of machineguns behind the headlights. Films don’t get much more fun than this, I just wish I could have seen it in a theatre. With Marilyn Joi and George “Buck” Flower. Theakos also wrote LADY COCOA and THE BLACK SIX (1973) for Ottaviano (a one-time Jayne Mansfield husband).

CANNIBAL (the last survivor; carnivorous; jungle holocaust; the last cannibal world; il ultimo mondo cannibale) (1976 ITL) D: RUGGERO DEODATO W: TITO CARPI/GIANFRANCO CLERICI RENZO GENTA W/P: GIORGIO CARLO ROSSI After being in Umberto Lenzi’s trailblazing MAN FROM DEEP RIVER (1972), Ivan Rassimov and Me Me Lai returned in this stronger variation filled with gore and nudity. A group of people scouting for oil land their plane in the jungle, only to be captured by a primitive tribe. As well as staged violence on humans, there are authentic atrocities that include a snake eating a lizard (a real big one) and the skinning of a crocodile. I thought the scenes inside a big cavern were unforgettable. Lamberto Bava was the assistant director and in charge of script continuity. Deodato returned with the incredible CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST.

CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE (cannibals in the streets; invasion of the flesh hunters; apocalipsis cannibal; apocalypse domani; apocalisse domani) (1980 ITL SPN) D/W: “ANTHONY M. DAWSON” (ANTONIO MARGHERITI) W: “JIMMY GOULD” (DARDANO SACCHETTI) P: MAURIZIO AMATI/SANDRO AMATI While on manouevres in Vietnam, platoon captain John Saxon finds “John Morghen” (real name Giovanni Lombardo Radice) chowing down on a Viet Cong woman’s flesh. Flash forward to New York City and Morghen (who’s character is named Charles Bukowski!) is released from a hospital for nervous disorders. He spreads a contagious strain of cannibalism and it’s up to Saxon to save the day. It’s an ok, gory time-waster that horror fans should enjoy, but it’s developed quite the cult following (especially in the UK where it was banned in its uncut form) that is bound to build up false expectations it can’t live up to. So beware. With Ramino Oliveros and Venantino Venantini. THE LAST HUNTER is Margheriti’s other ’nam movie from the same year.

CANNIBAL FEROX (make them die slowly; woman from deep river) (1980 ITL) D/W: UMBERTO LENZI P: MINO LOY/LUCIANO MARTINO This one’s often mentioned in the same breath as CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST (especially in the UK where they both share “video nasty” status) which is unfair to that superior, intelligent lost civilisation classic. This is just a hack job. Richard Bolla (an ex-porno star, also in HOLOCAUST) is a cop in NYC searching for a drug-dealer who may have bought cannibalism back to the city. Where the film does pay-off is during the native retribution against drug-dealers led by “John Morghen” (Giovanni Lombardo Radice). Hooks through breasts, dick cut off etc. All realised by Gianetto De Rossi’s convincing FX. Good luck sitting through the rest of it, though. With John Bartha, Venantino Venantini and Dominic Raacke.

CANNIBAL FEROX 2 See: MASSACRE IN DINOSAUR VALLEY

CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST (1978 ITL COL) D: RUGGERO DEODATO W: GIANFRANCO CLERICI P: FRANCO DI NUNZIO/FRANCO PALAGGI This infamous, controversial classic stars R. Bolla (aka Robert Kerman) as a researcher looking at retrieved footage from deep in South America, filmed by an award-winning documentary team that disappeared in the “green inferno” jungles. We discover that the obnoxious filmmakers raped a native woman and set fire to a village (and worse) to make their document more sensational. The natives take their revenge which is also captured on camera. “I wonder who the real cannibals are?” There was a slew of Euro cannibal gore movies in the 70s, this is by far the best. With real animal slaughter, gut-munching, nudity, fetus ripping and more. But beyond all the shock is also a very clever, well made feature that has been copied many times (BLAIR WITCH PROJECT). Riz Ortolani provided the haunting, memorable soundtrack. Deodato’s earlier cannibal movie was CANNIBAL. In 2004 Bruno Mattei cheekily remade it (more-or-less) as CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST: THE BEGINNING (which is actually quite amusing).

CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST 2 See: GREEN INFERNO

THE CANNIBAL MAN (the apartment on the 13th floor; la semana del asesino) (1974 SPN) D/W: ELOY DE LA IGLESIA W: ANTHONY FOS P: JOE TRUCHADO Vincent Parra is a slaughterhouse/soup factory worker who lives in the only remaining slum house in an area designated for high-rises in Franco’s Fascist Spain where everyone must carry identity cards. He accidentally kills a puritanical taxi driver during a scuffle while out with his girlfriend. She tries to go to the police on his behalf, but he ends up strangling her to death, too (while a loudly ticking clock is heard). The bodies pile up as a string of unwanted visitors turn up in succession to find out what happened to the last victim. Parra gets promoted and dumps bodyparts in the factory mincer while the smell in his house gets worse. A rich lonely young man who can see everything through binoculars from his apartment befriends him. I’ve read reviews of this film that attempt to find some kind of socio-political subtext; if there it’s there, it went over my head. What I saw was a not-bad psychodrama that didn’t really go anywhere. With Emma Cohen, Eusebio Poncela, Charly Bravo, José Franco, Rafael Hernandez, Goyo Lebrero, Ismael Merlo, Antonio Orengo and Fernando Sanchez Polack.

THE CANNIBALS (white cannibal queen; barbarian goddess; I cannibali; une fille pour les cannibales; l’emprise des cannibales; mondo cannibale; mondo cannibale 3; sexo canabal; el canibal; die blonde gotin) (1981 SPN FRA W.GER) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO P: FRANCO PROSPERI This typically crappy Franco film was filmed back to back with CANNIBAL TERROR, utilising some of the same locations, cast members, stock footage and that plastic skull on a stick. Al Cliver travels to dangerous jungle territory, his wife is eaten by cannibals, his little girl is kidnapped and his arm is chopped off. Years later Cliver hides his arm in his shirt and goes back to retrieve his daughter (who’s become Sabrina Siani, the tribe’s white goddess). Lina Romay (as “Candy Coster”) is part of his expedition (and is eaten). For gore, TERROR was better, and there’s no other reason to watch. With director Jerome Foulon, Olivier Mathot, Antonio Mayans and Franco.

CANNIBALS (2007) See: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS See: CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE

CANNIBAL TERROR (terror canabal; terreur cannibale) (1981 SPN FRA) D: “ALLAN W. STEEVE” (JULIO PEREZ TABERNERO) W: ILENA KUNESOVA/H.L. ROSTAINE In this Eurocine release, some small-time crooks kidnap a tycoon’s little daughter and take her across the border (South America?) into the jungle. Unconvincing natives with a plastic skull on a stick maul animal intestines in some underwhelming gutmunching scenes. This nonsense (filmed back to back with Jesús Franco’s THE CANNIBALS) ended up on the UK nasties list. With Olivier Mathot, Antonio Mayans and Silvia Solar.

CANNIBAL!: THE MUSICAL See: ALFERD PACKER: THE MUSICAL

CANNONBALL! (carquake) (1976 US HK) D/W: PAUL BARTEL W: DONALD C. SIMPSON P: SAMUEL W. GELFMAN The official sequel to Bartel’s DEATH RACE 2000 was the (non-Bartel) DEATHSPORT. But before that he delivered another, non-futuristic illegal cross-country race film for Roger Corman’s New World (and executive producer Run Run Shaw). David Carradine starred in all three. This fun and fastpaced little number is aided by an impressive roster of character actors. With Bill McKinney as the main rival, driving with a country star played by Gerrit Graham, Robert Carradine, Judy Canova, Dick Miller in a larger role than usual, goddess Mary Woronov, Carl Gottlieb, James Keach, John Herzfeld, John Alderman, Allan Arkush, Joe Dante, Jonathan Kaplan, Corman, Aaron Kincaid, Bartel and Read Morgan. Martin Scorsese and Sylvster Stallone are Italian hoods. Tak Fujimoto was the cinematographer.

CANNONBALL FEVER See: SPEED ZONE

THE CANNONBALL RUN (1980 US HK) D: HAL NEEDHAM W: BROCK YATES P: ALBERT S. RUDDY This all-star Golden Harvest production copies CANNONBALL and THE GUMBALL RALLY (1976), a couple of cross-county car race hits. The comedy is painful but kids who like car crashes will probably love it (I did). Burt Reynolds and sidekick Dom DeLuise star. Jackie Chan does some martial arts and helped make it a hit in Asia, too. He tried crossing over the same year with THE BIG BRAWL (which was also lousy). With Peter Fonda, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Adrienne Barbeau, Roger Moore, Farah Fawcett, Jack Elam, Katt Shea, Bert Convy, Michael Hui, Robert Tessier, Johnny Yune (THEY CALL ME BRUCE), Valerie Perrine, Rick Aviles and Yates. A sequel (in 1984) and SPEED ZONE (1989) followed.

“CAN’T BUY ME LUNCH”: ANOTHER LOOK AT THE RUTLES (the rutles 2) (2002 UK) D/W/P: ERIC IDLE Largely redundant 56 mins follow up to the very funny mockumentary ALL YOU NEED IS CASH adds little that is funny, only some new celebrity interviews that milk original gags for too-few new laughs. Could it be a comment on the endless, cynical periodical repackaging of Beatles stuff? With host Idle, James Taylor, Jewl Kilcher, Dave Stewart, Garry Shandling, Clint Black, Billy Connolly, Conan O’Brien, Salman Rushdie, Steve Martin, David Bowie, Tom Hanks, Bonnie Raitt, Carrie Fisher, Jimmy Fallon, Kevin Nealon, Catherine O’Hara, Robin Williams, Samantha Harris, Graham Nash, Peter Asher and Mike Nicols.

THE CANTERBURY TALES (les contes de canterbury; I racconti di canterbury) (1971 ITL FRA) D/W: PIER PAOLO PASOLINI P: ALBERTO GRIMALDI Middle entry in Pasolini’s loose trilogy based on celebrated works of historical literature follows THE DECAMERON. This bawdy sex comedy based on the writings of Geoffrey Chaucer (here portrayed by Pasolini) works on an exploitation movie level to a point, but one is constantly reminded of its high brow pretensions. It does remain a worthy curiosity, though, if only to see where the influence on bizarre fast buck period sex comedies of the time came from. The Hell on Earth finale is memorably absurd as well. The cast includes Hugh Griffith, Laura Betti, Ninetto Davoli, Vernon Dobtcheff, Michael Balfour, Tom Baker and Robin Askwith pissing on everyone. It was filmed in England and has an Ennio Morricone score. THE ARABIAN NIGHTS (1974) was last in the trilogy.

THE CANTERVILLE GHOST (ghost scream) (1996 US) D: SYD McCARTNEY W/P: ROBERT BENDETTI No one believes American teen Neve Campbell when she sees a ghost (Patrick Stewart) in the big old house in the English countryside her family has moved to. Bland tv version of the much filmed Oscar Wilde short story. With Joan Sims, Donald Sinden and Leslie Phillips. The classic 1944 version starred Charles Laughton. Since then there have been versions in 1962, 1966, 1974, 1985, 1986, 1997, 2001 and 2005 — as well as this one.

CANTONEN IRON KUNG FU (iron fisted warrior; gong dung tit kiu saam; guang dong tie qiao san) (1979 HK) D/W: LEE CHIU W: WEI SHIN P: JING KUO JUNG/LI YUEH HAE Leung Kar Yan stars as Iron Bridge in this typical old-school revenge plot kung fu programmer. It’s a good one with plenty of great fight action (I don’t know who choreographed) and the required amount of training scenes. What more do you need? With Wong Chung, Phillip Ko Fei and Wong Hap.

CAPE FEAR (1962 US) D: J. LEE THOMPSON W: JAMES R. WEBB P: SY BARTLETT Robert Mitchum is pretty scary as a convicted rapist who threatens the life of defence attorney Gregory Peck (an important witness whose testimony put Mitchum away) after he’s released from prison. He also stalks Peck’s wife (Polly Bergen) and child. Based on John D. MacDonald’s novel The Executioners, this b/w thriller is not quite the classic it’s sometimes reported to be, but is an above average, suspenseful tale, especially during the houseboat ending. With Martin Balsam, Telly Savalas, Jack Kruschen and Wil Wright. The fine, menacing score is by Bernard Herrmann. As well as the Scorsese remake, there’s also a Hindi version, WHAT CAN THE LAW DO?(1984).

CAPE FEAR (1991 US) D: MARTIN SCORSESE W: WESLEY STRICK P: BARBARA DE FINA/ROBERT DE NIRO This hit remake has Robert DeNiro as the tattooed, Bible-quoting ex-con Max Cady terrorising lawyer Nick Nolte (who has a crumbling relationship with wife Jessica Lange). Juliette Lewis is well cast as the confused young teen daughter. Apart from being too long (130 mins or so), this update is very good up until the family actually head to Cape Fear. Then DeNiro’s previously scary and believable Cady turns into a superhuman monster who won’t die (and can hang onto the bottom of cars for long periods of time). Joe Don Baker has a good squabble with DeNiro). Peck, Mitchum (who’s excellent) and Balsam return from the original in cameo roles. With Illeana Douglas, Fred Dalton Thompson, Edgar Allan Poe IV and Antoni Corone. Elmer Berstein provides the update of Bernard Herrmann’s excellent score and there are some scenes in negative. Steven Spielberg (who almost directed this) and Frank Marshall were uncredited executive producers.

CAPITOL GREAT WAR (teito taisen; dictator of the city) (1989 JPN) D: TAKASHIGE ICHINOSE/LAM NAI CHOI W: YOSHIHARU UEOKA/(another person, a Chinese name my wife could not translate, and neither could anyone else it seems) P: KOSUKE KURI/TOMO KANNO This excellent sequel (from different directors) to TOKYO: THE LAST MEGALOPOLIS is set during WWII. The Emperor is looking for a way to end the war. His special psychic and scientific team plan to evoke the angry souls of those who died during the war, and project them towards Hitler, making him commit suicide! However, a side effect is that the evil Kato (the excellent Kyusaku Shimada) is reawakened and tries to foil the plans and destroy Tokyo again. It’s up to two psychics (a soldier and a nurse, the nurse actually being a descendent of Masakado) to stop him. This entry is much more sharp and well paced than the (very good) original, and features nice FX work from Screaming Mad George. At one point we see three little kids with Kato’s face, like in the creepy video to Aphex Twin’s Come To Daddy. With Masaya Kato, Kaho Minami, Naoko Nazawa and Tetsuro Tanba. The co-director is the guy behind RIKI-OH. The modern set CAPITOL STORY: SECRET REPORT followed in 1995.

CAPITOL STORY See: TOKYO: THE LAST MEGALOPOLIS

CAPITOL STORY: SECRET REPORT (teito monogatari gaiden) (1995 JPN) D: IZO HASHIMOTO W: RIKA YAMAGAMI P: MASAAKI ITTO TOKYO: THE LAST MEGALOPOLIS and CAPITOL GREAT WAR were both superior, mythical sci-fi films. This third entry is very different and seems almost unrelated, but is based on the Kou Aramata series of books. Patients at a mental asylum in modern-day Tokyo talk about the return of Kato (Kyusaku Shimada did not return to the role this time) and get very paranoid about it. Kazuhiko Nishimura is a nurse at the hospital (when he’s not raping and killing women) who gets possessed by a mask of Kato made for a play starring the inmates. I think the hospital is built over Kato’s tomb but I’m not sure as this stylish mess has a very screwy, hard-to-follow plot. A massacre ensues, with lots of decapitations by Samurai sword. Sawa Suzuki costars as a descendant of Masakado’s bloodline who is protected by a scuttling little blob/insect creature. Bengaru is the asylum chief who is given head by his female staff while watching the violence on a bank of tv monitors, and is later possessed himself (I think). More horror than sci-fi, SECRET REPORT is well made with some excellent visuals, nice ideas and an absorbing soundtrack, but is definitely overdirected and nonsensical. With Kazuko Shirakawa, Hatsuo Yamane, Kitarou and Hiroshi Kambe. Hashimoto also made LUCKY SKY DIAMOND and EVIL DEAD TRAP 2, another couple of strange movies.

CAPRICORN ONE (1977 US UK) D/W: PETER HYAMS P: PAUL N. LAZARUS James Brolin, Sam Waterson and O.J. Simpson are the three astronauts the American people believe to be on the planet Mars. In fact, they’ve been kidnapped by a secret organisation within the government and taken to a tv studio with a fake set where they will pretend to act out the landing. It’s because a cheap life-support system supplied to NASA would have killed them, but rather than abort the mission and risk losing the support of the public, “they” decide to lie to people instead. The astronauts lives (and the lives of their families) are threatened if they don’t co-operate. Elliot Gould stars as a reporter who gets suspicious. It’s a pretty good conspiracy thriller that just gets aired too much on tv. With Brenda Vaccaro, Hal Holbrook, Telly Savalas, David Huddleston, James Karen, Karen Black, James Siking, Alan Fudge and Paul Picerni.

CAPTAIN AMERICA (1989 US YUG) D: ALBERT PYUN W: STEPHEN TOLKIN/LARENCE J. BLOCK P: MENAHEM GOLAN Cult author J.D. Salinger’s son Matt is pretty pathetic as the Captain in this awful superhero adventure from the director of THE SWORD AND THE SORCEROR and countless others. It’s set over a number of decades as our hero battles Red Skull, who is responsible for the death of JFK, John Lennon and Martin Luther King! Made in Yugoslavia, it sat unreleased for three years. With Ned Beatty, Ronny Cox, Darren McGavin, Michael Nouri, Antun Nalis, Mustafa Nadarevic, Francesca Neri, Norbert Weisser, Relja Basic and Demeter Biteric.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER (2011 US) D: JOE JOHNSTON W: CHRISTOPHER MARKUS/STEPHEN McFEELY P: KEVIN FEIGE/ AMIR MADANI Chris Evans (who had already been the Human Torch in those boring FANTASTIC FOUR movies) is Steve Johnson, a patriotic yet weedy young 1940s Brooklynite, chosen by German scientist Stanley Tucci to undergo a medical experiment that turns him into a tall, muscle-bound superman. Initially used as a cheerleading icon of the war bond campaign, the costumed hero soon goes into action for real, using a starred-and-striped shield (made from Vibratium) as a weapon, rescuing POWs from a Nazi stronghold. Hugo Weaving is the disintegrator ray-wielding megalomaniacal supervillain Red Skull (with a… .red skull). “Heil Hydra!” Executive producer Johnston uses the same retro techniques that made his ROCKETEER so much fun, and if you liked that you’ll probably enjoy this adventure, very much in the the spirit of the original 40s run of the comics created by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby, more so than the Marvel reimagining of the 60s (that comes at the end, with a coda that ties this up with IRON MAN [2008], THE INCREDIBLE HULK [2008], IRON MAN 2 [2010] and THOR as lead-ups to THE AVENGERS [2012]). With Hayley Atwell, an amusing Tommy Lee Jones, Toby Jones, Sebastian Stan, Dominic Cooper, Richard Armitage, Neal McDonough, Derek Luke, Michael Brandon (of DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE fame!), Natalie Dorman, a cameo from THE MENTALIST’s Amanda Rigehtti, and Samuel L. Jackson.

CAPTAIN APACHE (deathwork) (1971 UK) D: ALEXANDER SINGER W/P: MILTON SPERLING W: PHILIP YORDAN Lee Van Cleef stars as a Native Indian Confederate army officer who seems irresistible to women while preventing racist villains (led by Stuart Whitman) from inciting a race war. This odd, comical mess based on S.E. Whitman’s novel may be of interest to Eurowestern completists. With Carroll Baker, Percy Herbert, Elisa Montes, Charly Bravo, Dan Van Husen, José Bodalo, Ricardo Palacios, Fernando Sanchez Polack, luis Indum and Chris Huerta.

CAPTAIN KRONOS, VAMPIRE HUNTER (kronos; vampire castle) (1973 UK) D/W/P: BRIAN CLEMENS P: ALBERT FENNEL Horst Janson is Kronos, a bitter swashbuckling vampire hunter who survived a vampire bite from his own vampirized family (I think BLADE got a few ideas from KRONOS). He’s aided by a smart hunchback (John Carson) and a sultry gypsy (Caroline Munro). What’s most interesting about this enjoyable and untypical Hammer release is the fact that vampirism is diagnosed as sucking out “life” (as opposed to blood), and that different species of vampires require varying killing methods to dispatch them (the stake through the heart doesn’t always work). With Shane Briant (FRANKENSTEIN AND THE MONSTER FROM HELL). Clemens (best known for The Avengers tv series) wrote countless screenplays from the 50s onwards, but this was his only directing gig.

CAPTAIN LEE See: DEADLY STRIKE

CAPTAIN NEMO AND THE UNDERWATER CITY (1969 UK) D: JAMES HILL W: PIP BAKER/JANE BAKER/R. WRIGHT CAMPBELL P: BERTRAM OSTNER Senator Chuck Connors (!) and other shipwreck survivors are taken to an underwater city that was founded by Captain Nemo (a badly cast Robert Ryan). He treats them to the best of life in the underwater Utopia, but won’t let them ever leave. Nothing special, but has enough of a sense of wonder to make it good sci-fi for kids. With Nanette Newman, Luciana Paluzzi, Kenneth Connor and Bill Fraser.

CAPTAIN SINDBAD (kapitan sindbad) (1963 US W.GER) D: BYRON HASKIN W: “SAMUEL B. WEST” (IAN McLELLAN HUNTER)/“HARRY RELIS” (GUY ENDORE) P: FRANK KING/HERMAN KING I’m not sure why the title is spelt with an extra D, I assume it has something to do with copyright. But whatever the reason, this more than competent fantasy adventure should not be considered an inferior knock-off. The FX may not be up to Harryahusen standard, but the multiheaded dragon and giant crocodile are ok. There’s lots of colourful moments and great set design, but my favourite is the wizard’s cartoonishly long extending arm. Guy Williams (later on the LOST IN SPACE tv series) is Sindbad, and Pedro Armendariz is the villainous El Kerim. With Rolf Wanka, Henry Brandon, John Crawford and Hans Schumm. Haskin directed episodes of the excellent original Outer Limits tv series the same year. Hunter is the father of RIVER’S EDGE director Tim Hunter. Endore’s writings also transformed into Hammer’s CURSE OF THE WEREWOLF.

CAPTAIN SUPERMARKET See: ARMY OF DARKNESS: EVIL DEAD 3

CAPTIVE PLANET See: STAR ODYSSEY

CAPTIVE’S ISLAND See: PUNISHMENT ISLAND

CAPTIVE WOMEN (linda; orgy of the nymphomaniacs; naked superwitches of the rio amore; the story of linda; die nackten superhexen von rio amore; orgia de los nonformanas) (1980 SPN W.GER) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO W: ERICH TOMECK A Spanish guest house also serves as a secret whorehouse where kidnapped women are made to put on SM-themed floor shows before being gang-raped. As usual Franco manages to take this premise and turn it into a chore of a movie chock full of unappealing nudity. With Ursula Buchfellner, “Robert Foster” (Antonio Mayans) and Bea Fiedler. Long time Franco cohort Lina Romay was the assistant director.

CAPTIVE WOMEN 2: ORGIES OF THE DAMNED See: S.S. EXPERIMENT CAMP

CAPTIVE WOMEN 3 See: SWEET SUGAR

CAPTIVE WOMEN 7 See: AMAZONIA

CAPTIVITY (2006 US RUS) D: ROLAND JOFFE W: LARRY COHEN/JOSEPH TURA P: LEONID MINKOVSKI/ MARK DAMON/SERGE KONOU/GARY MELHMAN The concept of Elisha Cuthbert as a sexy fashion model kidnapped, tied-up and humiliated in a basement certainly perked my prurient interest, but this was sadly a major disappointment. I assume the more graphic (and oddly comedic) moments such as Cuthbert force-fed a cocktail of human remains were inspired by the success of the SAW movies, and was very surprised to see Cohen’s name attached to such a shoddy, predictable script. With Daniel Gillies and a big Pruitt Taylor Vince. Mostly shot in a studio in Moscow.

CAPTURED MOTHER AND DAUGHTER: SHE BEAST (hahako kankin: mesu) (1986 JPN) D: “MIZUMARU SAITO” (NOBUYUKI SAITO) W: HARUHIKO ARAI After a friend commits suicide, a junior high school girl (Asako Maekawa) meets a male acquaintance of hers (Kato Kobayashi) through a telephone club service, and begins an affair with him. It’s soon pretty apparent that he’s just a horny bastard who fucks around. He rapes her mother and pimps her out to pay his debts (and even convinces her to rope another school chum in, too), but the confused adolescent finds it hard to hate her first love, and difficult to fathom the sad yet exciting world of adults. This Nikkatsu release is one of those rare gems where exploitation meets art at a level that seems so natural and simple, but is difficult to pull off. On the one hand it’s a titillatingly accurate portrayal of lolita-love wish fulfillment, but we’re not spared from experiencing the darker side of that predatory behaviour. But what’s truly remarkable is how nonjudgemental it is, and without simply pandering to the “they love it” syndrome of many of the studio’s more cartoonish sex releases. We wallow in the dirty truth, being neither unhappy or guilty to be there. If this seems like overpraise (and it is; the modest film does not overwhelm), it’s because much of it works on a level that I feel is not all planned or intentional. It’s freewheeling, often mundane, and simply allowed to breathe. With Yudo Yoshikawa and Koiichi Ueda. Based on a novel by Bo Nishimura (as was Hideo Gosha’s TRACKED).

THE CAR (1977 US) D/P: ELLIOT SILVERTSEIN W: DENNIS SHRYACK/MICHAEL BUTLER/LANE SLATE P: MARVIN BIRDT A driverless Sedan runs citizens of a small desert town over in this vehicular horror attempt. After reading how “hilarious” this was supposed to be, it was a pretty disappointing 90 mins or so of tedium. James Brolin stars, with R.G. Armstrong as a wife-beater, Ronny Cox, Roy Jenson, John Rubinstein and Don Keefer.

CARAVAN OF COURAGE See: THE EWOK ADVENTURE

CAREER OF LUST See: JOJI NO RIREKISHO

CAREFUL! (1993 CAN) D/W: GUY MADDEN W: GEORGE TOLES I’m not that familiar with Madden (I plan to watch more) but on the strength of his first colour film I’m inclined to agree with someone I remember describing his as an “arthouse Tarantino”. Madden uses old expressionistic tricks including tinting and various gauzes and photographic FX to emulate the look of silent movies. There are some title cards, but mostly people speak in post-dubbed voices. The dreamlike look of the film suits the offbeat story set in a remote Alpine village called Tolzebad where everyone must be extremely quiet to avoid creating an avalanche, but when more obvious shock tactics like the ironic use of extreme gore are deployed, Madden’s vision becomes less absorbing as you can smell the oh-so-clever smug postmodernism at work. That said, the look of the film is extremely impressive and it is nice to see a modern filmmaker acknowledging the existence of real vintage cinema. Early Madden regular Kyle McCulloch stars, with Paul Cox, Jackie Burroughs and Toles.

CARGO (2009 SWITZ) D/W: IVAN ENGLER D: RALPH ETTER W: JOHNNY HARTMANN/PATRIK STEINMANN/ THILO ROSCHEISEN W/P: ARNOLD BUCHER P: MARCEL WOLFISBERG In the future a global epidemic means that Earth is being evacuated. A female doctor takes a job aboard a long-haul cargo ship en route to a space station so she can earn the money to join her family on the off-world paradise of Rhea. But crew members are murdered, and there’s something in the (refrigerated) cargo hold. Visually very impressive sci-fi thriller is pretty good, but a habitual resorting to clichés and a somewhat predictable “surprise” ending sell it short. You could do a lot worse, however. With Anna-Katherina Schwabroh, Martin Rapold, Regula Grauwiller, Pierre Semmler, Claude-Oliver Rudolph, Michael Finger and the not at-all-Asian Yangzom Brauen as the Japanese tech expert.

CARNAGE (1984 US) D/W: ANDY MILLIGAN The last of Milligan’s New York movies (shot in Yonkers). A couple commit double suicide with a revolver. Three years later and newlyweds move into their big old haunted house. Things move around, someone is decapitated by a flying axe and a ghost in a wedding dress appears. Pretty awful and sleep-inducing. Lew Mishkin (son of William) was executive producer. Milligan’s next was THE WEIRDO (1989).

CARNAL MADNESS See: DELINQUENT SCHOOLGIRLS

CARNAGE See: A BAY OF BLOOD

CARNIVAL OF FOOLS See: DEATH WISH CLUB

CARNIVAL OF SOULS (1962 US) D/P: HERK HARVEY W: JOHN CLIFFORD In this unique cult classic favourite, Candace Hilligoss plays an introverted church organist in Kansas who crashes her car off a bridge and into the river. She returns (from the dead?) to the now otherworldly seeming town where a ghost-faced spectre follows her around and there’s an incredible carnival full of dancing dead people. Impossible to really describe, this surreal wonder is a must-see for film fans and aspiring filmmakers who could learn a lot about working on a modest budget. Make sure you see the longer 1989 reissue with restored footage. Harvey also directed many short educational films, but unfortunately no other features.

CARNIVAL OF SOULS (1998 US) D/W: ADAM GROSSMAN P: MICHAEL MELTZER/PETER SOBY JR./LISA HARRISON/PHILLIP B. GOLDFINE Apart from the effective hallucinations of a bald, pink-skinned mutant with his eyes sewn shut (which is overused anyway), this semi-remake of the haunting original is too loud, too (deliberately) confusing and just plain boring (it’s not even quite 90 mins, but drags). Bobbie Phillips stars as the owner of the old Mermaid Bar near the harbour living inside her own head. She’s terrorised by hallucinations/nightmares of a killer paedophile clown (an annoying Larry Miller), a carnival and a car accident she may have been involved in (tenuous links to the original). Shawnee Smith is her younger sister. With Henry G. Sanders, Robert La Sardo and Brent Hinkley. Wes Craven (an executive producer) “presents” and Anthony Hickox was co-executive producer.

CARNIVAL OF TERROR See: THE FUNHOUSE

CARNIVOROUS (1976) See: CANNIBAL

CARNOSAUR (1993 US) D/W: ADAM SIMON P: MIKE ELLIOTT The same year as JURASSIC PARK Roger Corman executive produced this pretty useless ripoff dino movie. Since Laura Dern was in JURASSIC, her mother Diane Ladd is top-billed as the scientist who injects chicken eggs with DNA that hatch carnivorous reptiles that eat people and burst out of human bodies ALIEN-style. Clint Howard has a small part. With Ned Bellamy, Frank Novak, Rodman Flender and Chris Gore from Film Threat. Josh Brosnan wrote the novel it’s based on under his Harry Adam Knight pseudonym.

CARNOSAUR 2 (1994 US) D: LOUIS MORNEAU W: MICHAEL PALMER P: MIKE ELLIOT An arsehole Cliff De Young hires a special ops team led by Don Stroud to investigate a secret government installation. They find dead staff and escaped dino babies that were incubated there. John Savage is the hero. It’s no improvement on the original. With Rick Dean, Miguel A. Nunez Jr. and Guy Boyd. John Carl Buechler did some FX work for this New Horizons release. Roger Corman was executive producer.

CARNOSAUR 3: PRIMAL SPECIES (jurrasic wars; primal species) (1996 US) D: JONATHAN WINFREY W: SCOTT SANDIN P: ROGER CORMAN This one’s terrible. Thieves after a consignment of uranium steal the wrong truck — which happens to be full of carnosaurs — from a top secret military base. Soldiers and marines led by Scott Valentine (busy doing his tough guy face) hunt the escaped reptilian dino monsters through some deserted warehouses. Janet Gunn is the scientist who wants to take the creatures alive. Rick Dean is an irritating, childish joker. With Michael James McDonald and Winfrey. The series continued with RAPTOR.

CARNY (1980 US) D/W: ROBERT KAYLOR W/P: ROBBIE ROBERTSON/THOMAS BAUM W: PHOEBE KAYLOR Robertson (leader of the The Band) also stars in this indescribable, weird little carnival movie that’s well worth checking out. Gary Busey is a clown (!), that’s obviously reason enough to watch. With Jody Foster, Elisha Cook Jr., Fred Ward, Meg Foster, Kenneth McMillan, Burt Remsen, Craig Wasson, Tim Thomerson, Bill McKinney, Woodrow Parfrey, real circus freaks and performers, and a grisly neck stump.

THE CARPENTER (1987 CAN) D: DAVID WELLINGTON W: DOUG TAYLOR P: PIERRE GRISE A woman recovering from a nervous breakdown moves to a big new house and gets a job at a paint shop. Lecherous, lazy workmen cause trouble while her university professor husband is off fucking one of his students. She befriends a hardworking, pipesmoking carpenter (Wings Hauser) who has oldfashioned ideals, seems to work only at night and kills people with his tools (a face is sanded, arms cut off with a buzz-saw etc.). This ridiculous horror movie tries to be psychological, not letting us know whether Hauser is real or just a figment of her imagination. A must for Hauser fans, but no one else. With Richard Jutras and Ron Lea. The director later made the significantly better I LOVE A MAN IN UNIFORM. [Illus.]

CARQUAKE See: CANNONBALL!

CARRIE (1976 US) D/P BRIAN De PALMA W: LAWRENCE D. COHEN P: PAUL MONASH DePalma’s most famous movie (based on Stephen King’s novel) is an effective supernatural thriller, but no classic. As you probably know, Sissy Spacek is the shy put-upon high school girl with a crazy, overpowering religious fanatic of a mother (Piper Laurie). Her humiliation at the school prom is the final straw, and all havoc breaks loose. The famous (no longer a) surprise ending was endlessly copied. With Amy Irving, William Katt, Nancy Allen, John Travolta, P.J. Soles, Sydney Lassick and Edie McClurg. There was a tv remake in 2002, but first a sequel, THE RAGE: CARRIE 2. And then another remake in 2013.

CARRIERS (phase 6; virus) (2009 US) D/W: ALEX & DAVID PASTOR P: ANTHONY BREGMAN/RAY ANGELIC Brothers Chris Pine and Lou Taylor Pucci, and Piper Perabo and Emily VanCamp are driving cross-country, trying to survive in a post-apocalyptic virus America. The infected end up zombie-ish (but there is no flesh-eating), and the disease is airborne. Almost rather good, and surprisingly bleak survival horror/road movie, occasionally remembers the potential teen-appeal market and inserts jarring lighter moments. With Chris Meloni. Shot in New Mexico and Texas. The directors are Spanish.

THE CARS THAT ATE PARIS (the cars that eat people; killing cars) (1973 AUST) D/W: PETER WEIR W: KEITH GOW/PIERS DAVIES P: HAL McELROY/JIM McELROY The small outback town of Paris makes a living by causing tourists’ cars to crash and then selling the spare parts from the wreckage. The casualties are lobotomized by doctor Keith Miles. A scene where the townsfolk invite the mongoloid patients to their party is devastating. Viewers looking for carnivorous cars are rewarded in the final scene. Weir’s debut is effective and a real gem for patient viewers. With Terry Camilleri, Bruce Spence and Chris Haywood. The director made PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK next.

THE CARS THAT EAT PEOPLE See: THE CARS THAT ATE PARIS

CASCADEUR (1998 GER) D/P: HARDY MARTINS W: UWE KOSSMANN/UWE WILHELM P: JIMMY C. GERUM/PETER LOHNER The ads for this action adventure claimed “No story. No CGI. Just stunts!”. But there is a story (a search for valuable Russian art stolen and hidden by the Nazis in WWII) and not really that many stunts. There are some impressive car chases, explosions, some skydiving and other dangerous spectacles, but as a whole the film drags. Shame, as you can tell it’s from the heart. Martins stars, with Regula Grauwiller, Heinu Lauterbach, Andreas Hoppe, Eckhard Preub, Robert Viktor Minich, Charles Regnier, Peter Rappengluck and Carin C. Tietze.

A CASE OF SPRING FEVER (1940 US) In this wonderful b/w eight mins short, middle-aged husband Gilbert gets so annoyed while mending the couch that he carelessly makes a wish for a world with no springs. An irritating, evil-looking animated spring called Coily turns up to scold him and make it so. Gilbert gets thoroughly frustrated when nothing works (“no springs,” cackles Coily) and soon retracts his comments. Gilbert then goes to play golf with his pals and gets on their nerves by going on about the benefits of springs for hours! Brilliant!!! Just one of many choice articles available online for free thanks to the generosity and foresight of Rick Perlinger. Go to www.archive.org.

THE CASE OF THE MISSING BRIDES See: THE CORPSE VANISHES

CA$H (2009 US) D/W/P: STEPHEN MILBURN ANDERSON P: NAVEEN CHATHAPPURAN A married couple in debt (THOR’s Chris Hemsworth and Victoria Profeta) come into possession of stolen bank money after robber Sean Bean dumps it during his (failed) getaway. But the incarcerated Bean’s twin brother (Bean again) comes to Chicago and tracks them down against the odds, insistent on getting the money back (including what they’ve already spent). Quirky crime movie has some nice ideas, a fun performance from Bean and is an easy watch, but clearly doesn’t know how to conclude in an interesting way, so resorts to clichés and just ends. It also obviously wants to say something about racial tolerance (there are too many loaded scenes for it to be a coincidence), but what that may be I don’t have a clue. With fat slob Mike Starr and Glen Plummer (from the director’s 1992 film SOUTH CENTRAL) as a character called Glenn the Plumber!?!

CASINO (1995 US FRA) D/W: MARTIN SCORSESE W: NICHOLAS PILEGGI P: BARBARA DE FINA It came out a little too soon after (and included many similar elements to) Scorsese and Pileggi’s previous collaboration GOODFELLAS, so this near 3-hour look at the world of mobsters and big business in Vegas was in that classic’s shadow. As the years go by, more people will appreciate that it’s a great film with its own story to tell. The excellent cast includes Robert DeNiro, Sharon Stone, Joe Pesci, James Woods, Don Rickles, Kevin Pollak, L.Q. Jones, Alan King, Scorsese’s mom and dad, Dick Smothers, Frank Vincent, John Bloom (aka Joe Bob Briggs), Frankie Avalon, Oscar Goodman, Steve Allen, Jayne Meadows, Stuart Nisbet, Richard Riehle, Carl Ciarfalio, Steve Schirripa and low-budget filmmaker Brett McCormick (aka Max Raven). It had to be cut to avoid an NC-17 rating, but is still pretty violent.

CASINO HEAT See: TOP OF THE WORLD

CASPER (1995 US) D: BRAD SILBERLING W: SHERRI STONER/DEANNA OLIVER P: COLIN WILSON Bill Pullman is a ghost psychiatrist who moves around from town to town with his daughter Christina Ricci. Cathy Moriarty is the villainess who hires him to drive out the spooks from her newly inherited mansion, which might be loaded with treasure. Pullman and Ricci befriend the lonely, friendly Casper (from the old cartoons and comics) and there’s also a motley crew of “bad” ghosts to provide comic relief. I suppose it’s not bad for an (expensive) kids’ movie. With Eric Idle, Brad Garrett, Devon Sawa and cameos from Dan Aykroyd, Clint Eastwood, Rodney Dangerfield, Mel Gibson, Ben Stein and The Crypt Keeper. Steven Spielberg was an executive producer.

CASPER: A SPIRITED BEGINNING (1997 US) D: SEAN McNAMARA W: JYMN MAGON/THOMAS HART/THOMAS McCLUSKEY/ROB KERCHNER P: MIKE ELLIOTT Steve Guttenberg’s little boy makes friends with the friendly ghost in this much cheaper and pretty pathetic straight-to-video sequel. Guest stars are Rodney Dangerfield and Michael McKean. With Lori Loughlin, Richard Moll, Ben Stein, Brain Doyle Murray, Edie McClurg, Debi Mazar, Casper Van Dien and the voices of James Earl Jones and Pauly Shore. CASPER MEETS WENDY (1998) followed.

CASSHERN (2004 JPN) D/W: KAZUAKI KIRIYA W: DAI SATO/SHOTARO SUGA P: TOSHIAKI WAKABAYASHI Almost entirely filmed against a blue screen with expensive CGI FX added later, this epic wannabe sci-fi (about a future Eurasian Zone 7 at war) is based on an animated tv series from 1973 (there was also an animated video remake in 1993). Akira Terao’s research into neo-cells that could in theory be used to create bio-engineered spare bodyparts for wounded soldiers results in an army of assembled “neo sapiens” led by Toshiaki Karasawa revolting against humankind. Yusuke Iseya stars as the resurrected title hero in a special bio-mechanical suit who fights back. Confusing, badly scripted and full of insipid anti-war clichés laid on with a trowel, CASSHERN does score points for showing how well CGI can be used. Undoubtedly overkill for the most part, some hyperkinetic action sequences involving robots are undeniably awesome and adrenalin pumping. Will most likely go down in history as an innovative footnote to something (hopefully) much more wellrounded. With Kumiko Aso, Fumiyo Kohinata, Hiroyuki Miyasako, Jun Kaname, Mitsuhiro Oikawa, Susumu Terajima, Hideji Otaki, Tatsuya Mihashi and Ryo.

CAST A DEADLY SPELL (1991 US) D: MARTIN CAMPBELL W: JOSEPH DOUGHERTY P: GALE ANN HURD Fred Ward is well cast as private investigator Lovecraft. David Warner hires him to protect his daughter in an alternate 1940s LA, where everyone uses magic. Mixing Raymond Chandler and Lovecraft was a great idea, but this tv movie drops the ball by having too much comedy (and unicorns). It reminded me a little of parts of William S. Burroughs’ Cities Of The Red Night. With Julianna Moore and Clancy Brown. WITCH HUNT was the sequel.

CASTING THE RUNES (1979 UK) D/P: LAWRENCE GORDON CLARK W: CLIVE EXTON Tv reporter Jan Shepard irks a purveyor of witchcraft (Iain Cuthbertson) by airing a hatchet piece on his beliefs. She finds herself cursed in this loose, modernised adaptation of M.R. James’ story (previously adapted as the classic NIGHT OF THE DEMON, and for a now lost episode of Mystery and Imagination in 1968). Forty-eight mins long, it originally aired as part of the ITV Playhouse strand, and is now on dvd. It certainly lacks the antiquarian atmosphere and chills of Clark’s fondly remembered James adaptations for the BBC’s A Ghost Story for Christmas, but is still above average tv with a memorable twist. With Bernard Gallagher, Edward Petherbridge (who had starred in THE ASH TREE) and David Calder.

CASTLE FREAK (1995 US) D/W: STUART GORDON W: DENNIS PAOLI P: MAURIZIO MAGGI I don’t think RE-ANIMATOR/FROM BEYOND fans expected this dark and serious horror movie from Gordon (especially since it’s based on Lovecraft and stars Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton) and it got a lukewarm reception, but it’s actually pretty good. Combs, Crampton and their blind daughter move into an Italian castle they’ve inherited. A deformed, crippled son of a cruel ancestor is chained up in the basement, hungry. The location (it was actually filmed in Italy, with an Italian supporting cast), the nasty gore (a hooker’s nipple is chewed off) and the hateful characters (Crampton blames the alocoholic Combs for the death of their son) actually make it seem like an Italian exploitation favourite from the late-70s/early 80s. With Massimo Sarchielli, Elisabeth Kaza and Luca Zingaretti. I recommend CASTLE FREAK in its uncut form. From Full Moon.

THE CASTLE OF CAGLIOSTRO (lupin III: cagliostro no shiro) (1979 JPN ANIMATED) D/W: HAYAO MIYAZAKI W: TADASHI YAMAZAKI P: YUTAKA FUJIOKA/ TETSUO KATAYAMA In one of the best and most widely seen of the Lupin III manga adventures, our cool cat-burglar hero (and Jigen, Goemon, Fujiko and Zenigata) end up at a splendid old castle where a fortune in counterfeit bills is produced. There’s also a princess to be saved, and plenty of great, absorbing and exciting action, adventure, romance and comedy. Highly recommended. It was the feature debut for Miyazaki, who went on to found Studio Ghibli and became Japan’s most respected director of animated movies (NAUSICAA, PRINCESS MONONOKE, SPIRITED AWAY etc.).

CASTLE OF DEATH See: DEVIL’S NIGHTMARE

CASTLE OF EVIL (1966 US) D: FRANCIS D. LYON W: CHARLES A. WALLACE P: EARLE LYON A muchhated scientist called Dr. Kovic summons six people he fucked over in his past to his island castle after he’s diagnosed with a terminal illness. When they arrive they discover that he’s dead, his corpse’s face eaten away by phosphorus salts. His housekeeper instructs them that five of the group can be heirs to Kovic’s fortune if they discover which of them was responsible for his death. An electronic robot clone of Kovic walks about and kills. A gas chamber in the basement lab turns people into skeletons instantly! There’s a laser gun too. This kind of senseless horror with old dark house mystery trappings is not very good, but is strangely enjoyable. Scott Brady, Virginia Mayo and Hugh Marlowe star. The producer backed CYBORG 2087 the same year.

THE CASTLE OF FU MANCHU (assignment: istanbul; the torture chamber of dr. fu manchu; die folterkammer des dr. fu manchu; il castello di fu manchu; el castillo de fu manchu) (1968 W.GER SPN ITL UK) D: JESÚS FRANCO W/P: HARRY ALAN TOWERS W: MANFRED BARTHEL/MICHAEL HALLER P: JAIME JESUS BALCAZAR This is the last in a series of five movies starring Christopher Lee as Oriental villain Dr. Fu Manchu (that began with THE FACE OF FU MANCHU), and the second helmed by Franco (after THE BLOOD OF FU MANCHU). It’s awful. Manchu plans to turn the world’s oceans to ice. This he demonstrates by creating an iceberg in the Caribbean (via speeded up footage from A NIGHT TO REMEMBER!). Richard Greene is series regular hero Scotland Yard detective Nayland Smith out to stop him, although you won’t be sure how as it doesn’t make much sense. A longer Euro cut with slightly more explicit scenes is marginally more coherent, but still just as boring. With Tsai Chin, Howard Marion-Crawford, Maria Perschy, Rosalba Neri, José Manuel Martin, Herbert Fux, Gustavo Re, Franco with a fez on, and Burt Kwouk. The next Fu Manchu movie was the Peter Sellers parody THE FIENDISH PLOT OF DR. FU MANCHU (1980). In Franco’s 1986 obscurity ESCLAVAS DEL CRIMEN, Lina Romay played the daughter of Fu Manchu.

THE CASTLE OF SAND (suna no utsuwa) (1974 JPN) D/W: YOSHITARO NOMURA W/P: SHINOBU HASHIMOTO W: YOJI YAMADA P: YOSHIHARA MISHIMA This very long and leisurely-paced police procedure thriller is based on a novel by Seicho Matsumoto. When an unidentified corpse is found in a Tokyo railyard, detectives Tetsuro Tamba and young Kensaku Morita (later a politician in real-life) criss-cross Japan from Tohoku to Akita, searching for clues. We know fairly early on that respected composer Go Kato is the murderer, but the beauty of the film for patient viewers is how the motive is slowly unravelled. Classicaly told with no real spice or kinks, but very good for its type. With Ken Ogata, Yoko Shimada, Yoshi Kato and Kiyoshi Atsumi (star of the long-running TORASAN comedy/drama series, that respected director Yamada cut his teeth on). One of several Seicho Matsumoto adaptations from Nomura, which began with 1961’s ZERO FOCUS (also scripted by the same people).

CASTLE OF THE WALKING DEAD See: BLOOD DEMON

THE CAT (the 1,000 years cat; wai shut lee ji lau maau; wei ai li zhi lao mao) (1991 HK) D: LAI NGAI KAI W: CHAN HING KAR/GORDON CHAN P: CHUA LAM/MICHAEL LAI SIU TIN The character of Wisely, an Indiana Jones-like adventurer/scholar is a favourite of Chinese literature, and several films have featured him (THE LEGEND OF WISELY [1987], BURY ME HIGH [1991], YOUNG WISELY 1 [1993] and 2 [1994], THE WESLEY’S MYSTERIOUS FILE [2002] and director Ngai Kai’s great THE SEVENTH CURSE, whose author I. Kuang has a cameo here incidentally). In this he’s played by Waise Lee, who’s tipped off to a curious father and daughter (cute Gloria Yip), with cat, by his nervous friend (Lau Sek Yin). They turn out to be aliens, and their furry feline an ancient warrior, who must fight a tentacled, sinewy blob monster in the bizarre climax to this odd, enjoyable sci-fi fantasy, that is pretty much all-action (including a destructive cat vs dog scrap). With Phillip Kwok and Christina Ng. Co-writer Chan is the director of BEAST COPS (1998), among others.

CATACLYSM (the nightmare never ends; satan’s supper) (1979 US) D: TOM McGOWAN/GREG TALLAS/ PHILIP MARSHAK W: PHILIP YORDAN P: DARYL A. MARSHAK This dull and meandering horror movie is kind of interesting, but is way overrated by many. An ageless ex-Nazi is actually Satan himself. After an old Nazi hunter (40s gangster character actor Marc Lawrence) convinces him, Cameron Mitchell (a cop) tries to piece together the mysterious deaths surrounding the young Beelzebub. Richard Moll is the bestselling author of God Is Dead and husband of a “pure” wife target. Lawrence also appears as Mitchell’s partner. With (brief) real open heart surgery footage. I suppose it would make a good double bill with THE DEVIL MASTER. The Marshaks made DRACULA SUCKS the year previous. Parts of CATACLYSM ended up in the mind-boggling NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR.

CATALINA CAPER (1967 US) D: LEE SHOLEM W: CLYDE WARE P: BOND BLACKMAN/JACK BARTLETT Tommy Kirk stars as a diver hired to retrieve a valuable Chinese scroll from the waters of Catalina by bumbling thieves in this dire teen musical, which at least has Little Richard performing and some energetic dancing bikinis. The so-called “comedy” is another matter, though. With Mary Wells, Del Moore, Lyle Waggoner, Peter Duryea, Ulla Stromstedt, Pete Mamakos and The Cascades. Ted V. Mikels was director of photography.

THE CAT AND THE CANARY (1927 US) D: PAUL LENI W: ROBERT F. HILL/ALFRED A. COHN P: CARL LAEMMLE John Willard’s highly influential 1922 play (which itself was influenced by years of old dark house mysteries in print and on stage and screen) was given its first major screen treatment by the German Leni (who made THE CHINESE PARROT the same year) and the result was a classic, even more influential silent mystery comedy that’s essential (if somewhat) dated viewing for horror buffs. The old reading-of-the-will plot is at its centre, as relatives gather to bicker and hope for a handout, apart from nice heroine Laura La Plante and her cousin Creighton Hale (also in the crazed 7 FOOTPRINTS TO SATAN). A madman has supposedly escaped from a nearby asylum. Some of the intertitles are comically animated. A tinted print from Kino runs 82 mins. With Lucia Littlefield, Arthur Edmund Carewe, Tully Marshall, Flora Finch, Gertrude Astor, Forrest Stanely, Martha Mattox, George Siegmann, Hal Craig, Billy Engle and Joe Murphy. Filmed under the same title in 1939 and 1978, there are alternate (lost?) 1930 Spanish and English versions of THE CAT CREEPS, not to mention a 1961 Swedish version.

CATASTROPHE 1999 See: PROPHECIES OF NOSTRADAMUS

CAT CHASER (1988 US) D: ABEL FERRARA W: ELMORE LEONARD/JIM BORRELLI P: PETER DAVIS/ WILLIAM PANZER This great (but uneven) Leonard adaption is one of Ferrara’s most underrated (even by his fans). It starts as a noirish love triangle between Peter Weller, Kelly McGillis and Tomas Milian (familiar from spaghetti westerns) but soon enters darker territory. Some surprising, shocking violence and nudity were cut from certain prints. But other “uncut” prints are missing different footage. It’s all very confusing, but you should definitely see it anyway you can. With Charles Durning, Frederic Forrest, Juan Fernandez and Sherrie Rose. Ferrara made THE KING OF NEW YORK next.

THE CATCHER (1998 US) D/P: YVETTE HOFFMAN/ GUY CRAWFORD P: TONI ZOBEL This stupid baseball horror movie has someone killing players (i.e. baseball bat handle up the arse) due to childhood trauma involving father, played by the over acting Joe Estevez (“I love you boy, that’s why I do this”). It stars David Heavener, with Monique Parent, Fred Meyers, an annoying repetitive soundtrack and time-wasting scenes of characters walking around.

CATCHFIRE See: BACKTRACK

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN (2002 US) D/P: STEVEN SPIELBERG W: JEFF NATHANSON P: WALTER F. PARKES Leonardo DiCaprio is real-life scam artist legend Frank Abagnale Jr., who impersonated an airline pilot, a doctor and an attorney successfully prior to his 18th birthday during the mid-60s. He also forged cheques worth upward of $2m. Tom Hanks is the determined federal agent on his trail. Based on Abagnale’s book, it’s a fun, fast-paced movie with good period detail, a refreshing lack of finger waving (remember this is Spielberg) and a standout performance from Christopher Walken as DiCaprio’s father. With Martin Sheen, Nathalie Baye, Amy Adams, James Brolin, Brian Howe, Steve Eastin, Frank John Hughes, Chris Ellis, John Finn, Jennifer Garner, Ellen Pompeo, Elizabeth Banks, Margaret Travolta, Alex Hyde-White, Brian Goodman, Robert Peters, Stephen Dunham, Joe Garagiola, Kitty Carlisle and the real Abagnale Jr. as a French policeman.

THE CAT CREEPS (1946 US) D: ERLE C. KENTON W: EDWARD DEIN/JERRY WARNER/GERALD GERAGHTY It’s from the same studio (Universal) and is firmly in the same old dark house subgenre, but this is not a remake of the 1930 picture of the same name (itself a CAT AND THE CANARY remake). This is an original story about a 15-year-old (possible) murder case resurfacing when an old woman claims to have new evidence. There’s also a pile of cash and the titular feline involved. It basically means that a bunch of characters get stranded on an island mansion and are bumped-off one by one. Far from original, but 57 pretty enjoyable, snappy b/w mins. Paul Kelly is the wisecracking, cocky reporter hero trying not to discredit his girl (Lois Collier)’s Senator father (Jonathan Hale). Noah Beery Jr. is amusing comic relief. With Douglas Dumbrille, Rose Hobart, Vera Lewis, William B. Davidson, Jerry Jerome and Arthur Loft. Jack Pierce was the makeup artist.

CATERPILLAR (2009 JPN) D/P: KOJI WAKAMATSU W: HISAKO KUROSAWA/”DERU DEGUCHI” (MASAO ADACHI) A Japanese soldier returns from fighting in WWII as a quadriplegic war hero (the FX are remarkable). Shinobu Terajima is his devastated wife who has to care for him (including sex), and parades him around the village (decorated in his uniform with medals) in a wooden cart. But we soon discover that he was an abusive husband before he went away, and that was nothing compared to his war crimes (seen in flashbacks). Although it’s uncredited, this is clearly a riff on a famous Edogawa Rampo short story, but setting aside the writer’s eroticgrotesque style and dealing with more typically Wakamatsu themes of military abuse, imperialism and sexual politics. It’s also typically slow-moving and heavy-handed, but is better than many of Wakamatsu’s more celebrated (read: overrated) works, and I did get something out of it. But not as much as the undervalued JOHNNY GOT HIS GUN, for example. With famous artist and sculptor Katsuyuki Shinohara as the town simpleton. Hisayasu Sato’s segment of the RAMPO JIGOKU (2005) anthology was also (very loosely) based on the same source story.

CATHOUSE CALLGIRLS See: BLAZING STEWARDESSES

CATHOUSE COWGIRLS See: BLAZING STEWARDESSES

CAT IN THE BRAIN (nightmare concert; un gatto nel cervello) (1989 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: GIOVANNI SIMONELLI/ANTONIO TENTORI P: LUIGI NANNERINI/ANTONIO LUCIDI Fulci stars pretty much as himself, a horror movie director who becomes troubled about the violence he creates on-screen, and starts hallucinating gory scenes involving chainsaws, dismemberments, decapitations etc. Could he be the disturbed serial killer leaving bodies around the place? This clever, fun overkill satire is one of Fulci’s crowning achievements, and a real fuck you to his critics. Delightful stuff, and a good example of how a cut’n’paste feature should be done (the gore is from earlier films Fulci was involved with). With Malisa Longo, Brett Halsey, Paul Muller and Maurice Poli.

CAT IN THE CAGE (1978 US) D/W/P: TONY ZARINDAST W: RICHARD VASQUEZ Some guy is released from a mental asylum and heads home to the family mansion. His wealthy father’s new wife is bitchy, scheming Sybil Danning. She’s responsible for the family’s misery, so the son, the housekeeper and the cat (!) try to drive her away from the gullible old man. There’s a stupid surprise ending. Danning’s character enjoys getting slapped around by the chauffeur before fucking. Stupid, half-assed dud costars Colleen Camp (who also sings the title song).

THE CAT O’NINE TAILS (il gatto a nove code) (1971 ITL) D/W: DARIO ARGENTO W: DARDANO SACCHETTI/LUIGI COLLO P: SALVATORE ARGENTO Here’s another dull giallo from Argento. It revolves around a scientific research laboratory and does at least have an exciting car chase and one excellent scene in which a man is dragged along under a train by his head. Otherwise it’s business as usual, which may be a good thing if you’re a fan. With James Franciscus, Karl Malden, Catherine Spaak, Werner Pochath, Horst Frank, Tom Felleghny and Umberto Raho.

CAT PEOPLE (1942 US) D: JACQUES TURNER W: DeWITT BODEEN P: VAL LEWTON The first of the nine low-budget, Lewton-produced thrillers from RKO may seem very slight today, but it’s still an impressive semi-classic mood piece. Simone Simon is the New York artist with a recurring nightmare of becoming a panther when she’s aroused. If it wasn’t for the studio-imposed shots of a panther, everything scary in this neat chiller would be created purely by lighting, shadows and reflections. It was a hit and saved RKO from bankruptcy. With Kent Smith, Tom Conway, Jack Holt, Alan Napier, Theresa Harris, Charles Jordan, Donald Kerr, Murdock MacQuarrie, Alec Craig, Eddie Dew, Dot Farley and Bud Geary. Followed by the largely unrelated (but recommended) THE CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE, plus I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE, THE SEVENTH VICTIM, THE GHOST SHIP, ISLE OF THE DEAD, THE BODY SNATCHER and BEDLAM (1946).

CAT PEOPLE (1982 US) D/W: PAUL SCHRADER W: ALAN ORMSBY P: CHARLES FRIES Grown-up Nastassja Kinski returns to the childhood home from which she was adopted in New Orleans. Malcolm McDowell is her weird incestuous brother who can turn into a flesheating black leopard. Schrader’s more graphic update of this story (based on a novel by De Witt Bodeen) is not good or interesting. With John Heard, Annette O’Toole, Ed Begley Jr. (whose arm is ripped off), Ruby Dee, Frankie Faison, Lynn Lowry, John Larroquette and Ray Wise.

CAT’S EYE (1985 US) D: LEWIS TEAGUE W: STEPHEN KING P: DINO DE LAURENTIIS/MARTHA SCHUMACHER The three stories in this Stephen King anthology are nothing special, but are a lot better than some of his other screen adaptions. Quitters Inc is a radical new way to quit smoking. James Woods is stalked by agents after he signs up, they electrocute his wife and more before he finally gives up. Robert Hays, Candy Clark, James Naughton, Mike Starr and Charles S. Dutton are in The Ledge. Hays must walk all the way around the outside of the top floor of a skyscraper as a bet. A decapitated head is featured. Drew Barrymore is protected from an evil troll by her pet cat (who links all the stories) in The General (with Carlo Lombardi FX). Barrymore had previously been in FIRESTARTER (based on a novel by King). There are other King movie in-jokes, Alan King and James Rebhorn.

CATWOMAN (2004 US) D: PITOF W: JOHN D. BRANCATO/ MICHAEL FERRIS/JOHN ROGERS/THERESA REBECK P: DENISE DINOVI/EDWARD McDONELL Halle Berry stars as a talented yet feeble and lonely advertising artist and wage-slave. She discovers that the revolutionary new anti-ageing cream created by the cosmetics company where she works (run by husband and wife villains Lambert Wilson and Sharon Stone) has dangerous side effects (in a plot lifted from THE WASP WOMAN). She’s killed, but somehow returns to life after a swarm of cats do something to her (this also happened to Michaelle Pfeiffer in BATMAN RETURNS). The confused Berry can’t resist catnip, milk and tuna, and eventually dons a tight black leather outfit to fight crime with extra agility (and a whip). This critically trashed Hollywood debut from the French director of VIDOCQ (2001) is not very good, but it’s the same not-very-good you’ve come to expect, and didn’t deserve special negative attention. At least it didn’t suck as bad as UNDERWORLD, for example. With Benjamin Bratt as the cop boyfriend on the case, Frances Conroy as the annoying comic relief friend, Chris Heyerdahl, Michael Dangerfield, John Cassim and Aaron Douglas.

CAT-WOMEN OF THE MOON (1953 US) D: ARTHUR HILTON W: ROY HAMILTON W/P: AL ZIMBALIST/JACK RABIN After an unresolved drama about being hit by a meteorite, the crew of a space expedition touch-down on the dark side of the moon. Here they find the telepathic, female survivors (in leotards and tights) of a dying civilisation. There is nothing catlike about them, but they can disappear at will. It turns out that they have a psychic link with a female crew member (Marie Windsor), and some business about domination. “We have no use for men.” They also do some kind of ritualistic dance. A love-triangle between Windsor, Sonny Tufts and Victor Jory complicates matters. I liked the fact that crew member Douglas Fowley (who says “you’re too smart for me, baby. I like ‘em stupid”) is constantly on the make, eventually letting his greed for gold get the better of him. Weird and really rather stupid sci-fi claptrap, but charmingly daft if you are of the right persuasion. With William Phipps, giant spiders and a score from Elmer Berstein. Zimbalist was behind ROBOT MONSTER the same year, and director Hilton was working with Buster Keaton at the time. Remade as MISSILE TO THE MOON, and it must have influenced FIRE MAIDENS OF OUTER SPACE. The opening intro was sampled by Man… Or Astroman? In b/w, and originally in 3D.

THE CAULDRON OF DEATH (ricco; mean machine; the dirty mob; gangland; ajuste de cuentas; un tipo con una faccia strana ti cerca per ucciderti) (1973 ITL SPN) D: TULIO DEMICHELI W: MARIO DI NARDO/ JOSÉ GUTIERREZ MAESSO/SANTIAGO MONCADA Christopher Mitchum stars as an ex-con who returns home to his sister and invalid mother, and tries to leave peacefully, but revenge for the death of his father at the hands of mobster Arthur Kennedy (who has a soap factory front) seems inevitable. Notorious for years (in a heavily cut form) for being a disappointment to horror fans in the US, where it played grindhouses as a horror movie with a lurid poster campaign, gorehounds will be less disappointed by the recent uncut dvd release. The castration scene in particular is a standout. This is an above average (if slow-moving), surprisingly violent crime movie. With Barbara Bouchet, Malissa Longo, Eduardo Fajardo, Angel Alvarez, Manuel Zarzo, José Maria Caffarel, Luis Induni, Vic Israel, José Canalejas, Luigi Antonio Guerra, Antonio Mayans, Goyo Lebero, Lorenzo Robledo, Andrea Scotti and Carla Mancini.

CAUSE FOR ALARM! (1951 US) D: TAY GARNETT W/P: TOM LEWIS W: MEL DINELLI/LARRY MARCUS Housewife Loretta Young tends to her sick husband Barry Sullivan at home in bed. The suspicious, paranoid Sullivan accuses her of having an affair and conspiring with her lover to kill him, before dropping dead of a heart attack. But not before he’s had a chance to rush off a letter to his lawyer detailing his suspicions. Young panics as she spends the day trying to get the letter back. This low-key b/w thriller never lets itself get too exciting or convoluted, resulting in an oddly enjoyable suburban noir (a none too crowded subgenre). With Margalo Gillmore, Brad Morrow, Irving Bacon, Dan Haggerty, Art Baker, Richard Anderson, Greta Granstedt, Kathleen Freeman, Teddy Infuhr, Robert Easton, Carl “Alfalfa” Switzer, Earl Hodgins and Jack Daley.

THE CAVE (2005 US GER) D: BRUCE HUNT W: MICHAEL STEINBERG/TEGAN WEST P: RICHARD WRIGHT/MICHAEL OHOVEN/TOM ROSENBERG/GARY LUCCHESI/ANDREW MANSON Professional divers led by Cole Hauser are hired to explore a huge underground lake discovered in the caves beneath the Carpathian mountains. They find themselves at the bottom of the food chain, prey to carnivorous underground parasites. Slick enough debut from a guy who worked on the MATRIX movies, but beyond bland, generating no excitement and scaring up no thrills. With Morris Chestnut, Lena Headey, Eddie Cibrian, Rick Ravarello and Piper Perabo. Filmed in Romania and Mexico. THE DESCENT, from around the same time is much better.

THE CAVE DWELLERS (1940) See: ONE MILLION B.C.

CAVE DWELLERS (1982) See: THE BLADE MASTER

CAVE MAN (1940) See: ONE MILLION B.C.

CAVEMAN (1981 US) D/W: CARL GOTTLIEB W: RUDY DeLUCA P: GENE CORMAN This ill-conceived “comic” update of CREATURES THE WORLD FORGOT is pretty hard to watch. Ringo Starr, Barbara Bach, Dennis Quaid and Shelley Long star as the primitives who discover fire and music while defending themselves against dinosaurs. With Carl Lumbly, Avery Schreiber, Miguel Angel Fuentes, Richard Moll, Gerardo Zepeda and Gerado Albarra.

CAVEMAN (2000) See: THE CAVEMAN’S VALENTINE

THE CAVEMAN’S VALENTINE (caveman) (2001 US) D: KASI LEMMONS W: GEORGE DAWES GREEN P: DANNY DeVITO/MICHAEL SHAMBERG/STACEY SHER/SCOTT FRANK/ELIE SAMAHA/ANDREW STEVENS Samuel L. Jackson (an executive producer) is very good as a paranoid NYC derelict who has quit a respectable university’s music department, left his wife and (cop) daughter and lives in a cave in a city park. He thinks someone’s spying on him from the top of the Chrysler building and rants about Z-rays and seeing things on his (unplugged) tv set. But when a homeless man’s body turns up in a tree outside his cave, he has the scruples to solve a murder case. A well made mystery thriller that’s different enough to hold your interest, even if it does get more conventional towards the end. Green adapted the screenplay from his own novel. With Colm Feore as a reknowned photo artist, Anthony Michael Hall, Ann Magnuson, Damir Andrei, Aunjanue Ellis, Tamara Tunie, Peter MacNeill, Jay Rodan, Joris Jarsky, Richard Fitzpatrick, Phillip Jarrett and Junior Brown.

CECIL B. DeMENTED (cecil b: the cinema wars) (2000 US FRA) D/W: JOHN WATERS P: JOHN FIEDLER/ JOE CARACCIOLO JR./MARK TARLOV Stephen Dorff is Demented, an obsessive indie filmmaker who wages war on mainstream cinema (along with his horny followers who refrain from sex and remain “celibate for cinema”) and kidnaps movie star Melanie Griffith, forcing her to play in their real-life movie/terrorist act. They’re all tattooed with their auteur idols’ names (William Castle, Herschell Gordon Lewis…). Griffith eventually does a Patty Hearst (who’s also in the cast) and joins her “captors”. Despite some similarities and recurring obsessions, this feels a lot different from earlier Waters movies (soundtrack by Moby especially) which miffed a few fans, but it’s still a good, funny film (about as good as DESPERATE LIVING and CRY BABY, if you see what I mean). Kevin Nealson stars in the FORREST GUMP sequel segment. With Alicia Witt, Adrian Grenier, Mink Stole, Ricky Lake, Eric Roberts, Roseanne Barr, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Susan Lowe, Mary Vivian Pearce, Mark Joy (PECKER) and Waters as a reporter.

THE CEILING AT UTSUNOMIYA (kaii utsnomiya tsuritenjo) (1956 JPN) D: NOBUO NAKAGAWA W: KATSUYOSHI NAKABU/HIROMICHI TAKEBE P: KATSUJI TSUDA Another b/w gem from Nakagawa, an underrated craftsman of fast-paced above average programmers. This period adventure (and proto-ghost story that prefigures Nakagawa’s more well-known work in that field) involves corrupt higher-class types, runaway lower-class lovers, Tetsuro Tamba as an assassin Samurai (dressed like a ninja) and a memorable climax that justifies the odd title (just watch it and find out). Based on a novel by Tetsuji Godo.

THE CELL (2000 US GER) D: TARSEM SINGH W: MARK PROTOSEVICH P: JULIO CARO/ERIC McLEOD Vincent D’Onofrio is a serial killer/necrophile who drowns women and then fucks their embalmed bodies, while suspended from the ceiling by hooks. When the police catch him he falls into a coma while his last victim is trapped in a chamber somewhere that’s slowly filling with water. Special technology allows child therapist Jennifer Lopez to enter his mind and tap into his psyche so that detective Vince Vaughn can save the woman before she drowns. There’s some nice visuals and stunning FX, but this is basically nothing more than a series of expensive, pretentious set pieces masquerading as a thriller. DREAMSCAPE did it much better years ago. With Dylan Baker, Gerry Becker, Musetta Vander, Patrick Bauchau, James Gammon, Dean Norris and Pruitt Taylor Vince.

THE CELL 2 (2008 US) D: TIM IACOFANO W/P: ALEX BARDER/LAWRENCE SILVERSTEIN Former FBI psychic and left-for-dead serial killer victim Tessie Santiago returns to track The Cusp, who kills and revives women over-and-over before ripping out their hearts in this cheaper non-star sequel. Derivative, predictable and worst-of-all, boring. With Chris Bruno, Frank Whaley and hallucination/dream FX. Filmed in Salt Lake City, Utah.

THE CELLAR (1990 US) D: KEVIN S. TENNEY W/P: JOHN WOODWARD W: DARRYL WIMBERLEY P: PATRICK WELLS/STEVEN E. BERMAN Patrick Kilpatrick, his wife and baby daughter, move into a farmhouse in the Arizona Desert. His preteen son from a previous marriage comes to visit and discovers a reptilian monster chained-up in the basement. It can somehow make its way out to a pond also. No one believes him. It’s actually supposed to be a kind of boar that the Indians used to fear. An old bum (Ford Rainey) and a local Indian medicine man are the other major characters. It’s very dreary and too long (even though it’s under 90 mins). Based on a short story by David Henry Keller, M.D. Boom shots are visible. From the director of NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (plus additional scenes added by Woodward).

CEMETERY MAN See: DELLAMORTE DELLAMORE

CEMETERY OF THE DEAD See: CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS

CEMETERY WITHOUT CROSSES (the rope and the colt; une corde, un colt… ; cimitero senza croci) (1968 FRA ITL) D/W: ROBERT HOSSEIN W: CLAUDE DeSAILLY After her husband is murdered by a cruel family of land barons, Michele Mercier (from BLACK SABBATH) enlists the help of Manuel (director Hossein), an old flame who broods in a ghost town’s old, dusty saloon, to help her get revenge. This involves gaining the family’s trust and kidnapping. This unusual western has long stretches with no dialogue, and scenes atypical of the genre (including a great, surreal, paranoid dinner table set piece). Apparently Sergio Leone himself had some input. I liked it a lot. Dario Argento is credited on some prints as co-writer, but this is likely false. With Daniel Vargas, Ivano Staccioli, Serge Marquand, Pierre Collet, Michel Lemoine, Cris Huerta, José Canalejas, Alvaro de Luna, Charly Bravo, Benito Stefanelli, Lorenzo Robledo and Angel Alvarez. Hossein’s brother Andre provides the score (including flamenco guitar that stays just the right side, away from MESA OF LOST WOMEN territory), while Scott Walker sings The Rope And The Colt theme tune (a hit in the UK).

CENTIPEDE! (the tentacles) (2003 US) D/W: GREGORY GIERAS P: EILEEN CRAFT/A. RAMAMOHA RAO/ MORRIS RUSKIN/VICKY PIKE Some rather annoying young thrill seekers go potholing “three miles down” in a cave in India. A big rubber centipede attacks. This awful bug horror from the director of DARK ASYLUM claims to have been filmed in India. There’s a bunch of Indians in supporting roles, but this looks like it could have been filmed in a number of places in North America.

CENTIPEDE HORROR (centipede sorceror; wu gong zhou; ng gung jau) (1982 HK) D: KEITH LI W: AMY CHAN P: STEPHEN K. C. CHAN Scorpions dropping from a woman’s vagina fails to be as interesting as it sounds in this addition to the post-BLACK MAGIC insect-horror cycle. The only pay-off is the final scene where a visibly distressed actress really does cough-up a mouthload of centipedes, still wriggling around. With Miu Kiu-Wai, Wang Lai, Wang Han-Chen, Cheung Chok-Chow, Wong Mei, Mama Hung, Tam Bo, a DON’T LOOK NOW-inspired kid in a red hood and flaming reanimated chicken skeletons.

CENTIPEDE SORCEROR See: CENTIPEDE HORROR

CENTRAL PARK DRIFTER See: GRAVEYARD SHIFT (1986)

CENTRAL PARK DRIVER See: GRAVEYARD SHIFT (1986)

CENTURION (2009 UK) D/W: NEIL MARSHALL P: CHRISTIAN COLSON/ROBERT JONES The Ninth Legion of the Roman Empire apparently marched up from northern England into Scotland to conquer the final stronghold of the notoriously troublesome island that was early medieval Britain. Legend has it that they simply vanished. This fun, blood and grit action movie speculates on what might have happened in a battle between the garrison (led by Michael Fassbender) and the native Picts (who are subtitled, speaking their own dialect). Former Bond girl Olga Kurylenko is a formidable “she wolf” tracker who becomes the nemesis of the soldiers far behind enemy lines. With THE WIRE’s Dominic West, Dave Legeno, David Morrissey, Noel Clarke, J.J. Feild, Riz Ahmed, Ulrich Thomen, Paul Freeman and Liam Cunningham. Shot in some beautiful, formidablelooking locations in the north of England and Scotland. Would make a good thematic double bill with Marshall’s previous DOOMSDAY. THE EAGLE was another Ninth Legion movie the following year.

CENTURION FORCE (1998 US) D: TROY COOK W: CYNTHIA R. TROYER P: FARUQUE AHMED This terrible post-apocalypse movie is set on America’s west coast after a big earthquake. Most people live in the polluted desert while a select elite live in a domed city (insert shots stolen from, I think, TOTAL RECALL). Charles Napier is the main flower-loving villain who’s plotting to pollute the water outside the city. Star John Savage protects a girl with vital information from his cronies. Most of this takes place on cheap, cramped sets and when the domed city explodes, they just superimpose a (see-through) explosion onto the stock footage. There isn’t even a proper conclusion, it just suddenly ends. Savage’s real-life wife Sandi Schultz has a role. Cook was also the cinematographer.

CEREMONIA SANGRIENTA (the legend of blood castle; blood castle; bloody ceremony; the female butcher; le vergini cavalcano la morte) (1973 SPN ITL) D/W: JORGE GRAU W: JUAN TEBAR/SANDRO CONTINENZA EXEC P: JOSÉ MARIA GONZALEZ SINDE In a small town in the 1800s, a corpse is on trial (after being staked through the heart) for vampirism. Espartaco Santoni is the marquis in charge of the courtroom, who seems to have a streak of sexual sadism. Meanwhile his neglected wife (Lucia Bose) is worrying about ageing, and whether she should bathe in the blood of virgins, like her notorious ancestor Elizabeth Bathory (the character Hammer’s COUNTESS DRACULA was about). Baby-faced beauty Ewa Aulin (CANDY) co-stars as a servant girl. An enigmatic slow-burner this, and quietly unsettling. I recommend it, the ending in particular is creepy and great. With Silvano Tranquili, Lola Gaos, Maria Vico, Angel Menendez, Fabian Conde and Rafael Vaquero. Grau went to the UK for the cult favourite THE LIVING DEAD AT (THE) MANCHESTER MORGUE next, but I think this is better.

A CERTAIN MR. SCRATCH See: THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER

CHAINDANCE (common bonds; chain junction) (1990 CAN) D: ALLAN GOLDSTEIN W: ALAN AYLWARD/ MICHAEL IRONSIDE P: RICHARD DAVIS Busy character actor Ironside is a repeat-offender in jail who reluctantly becomes part of a government experiment that has him handcuffed to a guy with cerebral palsy (Brad Dourif)! This movie’s more about bonding than anything else, but homosexual rapist and all-round creep Bruce Glover returns for revenge in the action finale. It’s different, very well done and benefits from inspired casting. With Stephen E. Miller, Don S. Davis, Deryl Hayes and Ken Pogue.

CHAINED FOR LIFE (1951 US) D: HARRY L. FRASER W: NAT TANCHUCK/ALBERT DE PINA P: GEORGE MOSKOV This fascinating 60 mins or so feature stars real-life Siamese twins Daisy and Violet Hilton (seen years earlier in Tod Browning’s FREAKS). They do a singing duet as part of a cabaret/burlesque show (including a clown/juggler, a cool speedaccordion player and a pistol sharp-shooter). Their manager comes up with a publicity stunt so Daisy marries the plotting, cheating sharp-shooter on stage (after being denied a licence by 27 states), but he runs away and betrays her. Violet shoots him during the act and is tried for murder. The film begins and ends with the judge pleading with the audience to help him with his dilemma, convict an innocent woman, or free a guilty one? Not as exploitative as you may think and very well done. A surprising dream sequence realistically depicts Daisy walking around free from her sister. In b/w. With Allen Jenkins, Sheldon Leonard and Jack Mulhall.

CHAINED GIRLS (caged girls) (1965 US) D/W: JOSEPH P. MAWRA P: GEORGE WEISS “Who and what are lesbians?”, “is lesbianism a disease or a natural occurrence?”, “how do lesbians live?”. These questions and more are answered in this amusing b/w 61 mins look at “butches” and “femmes”, that comes across as a nudie flick narrated like a nature documentary. Lots of light girl/girl action, “shocking” statistics about lesbians and the great phrase “lesbionic harmony” (!). It ends with the knowledge that “lesbians can be cured”. This obscurity from the makers of the notorious OLGA series is worthy of a double bill with DAUGHTERS OF LESBOS — courtesy the good folks at Something Weird Video, of course.

CHAINED HEAT (das frauenlager) (1983 US W.GER) D/W: “PAUL NICHOLAS” (LUTZ SCHAARWAECHTER) P: BILLY FINE This follow up to a women-in-prison movie called THE CONCRETE JUNGLE (1982) is very entertaining sleaze that’ll make you wish you saw it in a fleapit dump of a grindhouse on its last legs. Linda Blair goes topless as the new inmate at a prison where Stella Stevens is a guard, John Vernon is the warden with a hot tub full of naked inmates in his office and Tamara Dobson and Sybil Danning lead rival black and white gangs. Great stuff, with Monique Gabrielle and Robert Miano. CHAINED HEAT 2 (1993) was an unrelated remake of that other Blair women-in-prison vehicle, RED HEAT.

CHAINED HEAT 3 See: DARK CONFESSIONS

CHAINED HEAT 2001 See: RAGE OF THE INNOCENTS

CHAINGANG GIRLS See: SWEET SUGAR

CHAINS (street warriors) (1989 US) D/P: ROGER J. BARSKI W: JAY FLYNN/MICHAEL GOI P: MARK GRAGNANI Two suburbanite couples take a short cut off the expressway and end up in an urban war zone between the Chains and Rippers gang. This Chicago-lensed WARRIORS and DELIVERANCE copy is watchable if you’re in a less discriminating mood.

CHALLENGE OF THE GLADIATORS (il gladiatore che sfido l’impero) (1964 ITL) D/W: DOMENICO PAOLELLA W: ALESSANDRO FERRAU Rock Stephens (aka Peter Lupus) is Spartacus in this routine sword and sandal movie from the prolific Paolella. There’s a closing wall of spikes. With Massimo Serato, Livio Lorenson, Piero Lulli, Andrea Checchi and Franco Ressel.

CHALLENGE OF THE LADY NINJA See: CHINESE SUPER NINJA 2

CHALLENGE OF THE MASTERS (luka choi yue wong fei hung; liu a cai yu huang fei hong) (1976 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW Wong Fei Hung (Gordon Liu Chia Hui) studies pole-fighting with his uncle (Chen Kuan Tai) so he can avenge the death of his friend at the hands of Liu Chia Liang (director and fight choreographer). Not bad, but the Liu brothers are famous for far superior movies like EIGHT DIAGRAM POLE FIGHTERS and LEGENDARY WEAPONS OF CHINA. With Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Lili Li, Wilson Tong, Lau Kar Wing, Ricky Hui, Kong Do, Wong Yu, Eric Tsang, John Cheung, Chan Lung, Fung Hak On, Chin Yuet Sang, Robert Mak, Cheng Hong Yip and Shut Chung Tin.

CHALLENGE OF THE MASTERS (1979) See: SECRET RIVALS 3

CHALLENGE OF THE NINJA See: SHAOLIN CHALLENGES NINJA

CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER (gymkata killer; dragon bruce le; san lung maang taam; hen long meng tan) (1984 HK US ITL) D/W/P: BRUCE LE W: POON FAN P: DICK RANDALL Le and Richard Harrison (who plays tennis with topless women) star in this globe-trotting (yeah, right!) action bore as spies who must stop terrorists from using a serum that kills sperm. I liked it when Le punches out a bull (we see an animated insert of its skull cracking) and Hwang Jang Lee’s in it some, but neither are reasons to subject yourself to this turd. With Kong Tao, Bolo Yeung and Randall himself.

CHAMBER OF HORRORS (1966 US) D/P: HY AVERBACK W: STEPHEN KANDEL/RON RUSSELL Patrick O’Neal is great as a droll murderer, who, in the opening scene, strangles his wife with her own hair and then demands that a priest perform a marriage ceremony for himself and the corpse. Latin lothario Cesare Danova and likeable old Wilfrid Hyde-White are “amateur” sleuths who run a a wax museum of crime (with the help of dwarf sidekick Tun Tun). The police reluctantly call them in to catch O’Neal, which they do. But en route to the gallows, O’Neal escapes from a moving train, and has to hack off his own hand to avoid drowning. Thought to be dead, he returns (with the unwitting aid of a pretty young hooker) to take revenge. This time he has a selection of sharp weapons he can attach to his stumped arm! This very offbeat, cartoonish and extremely fun horror romp was originally commissioned as a CBS tv series pilot. Thought to be too lurid for the small screen, it went to theatres with the wonderful William Castle-like “Fear Flasher” and “Horror Horn” gimmicks (no gore is shown, though), nicely explained by the voice of William Conrad). After all these years of John Waters films (he was making his first shorts around the same time this was released), it’s somewhat amusing to have this set in Baltimore. With Wayne Rogers, Vinton Haworth, Roy Kellogg, Lyle Latell, Philo McCullough, Jack Shea and guest stars Marie Windsor, Jeanette Nolan and Tony Curtis.

CHANDU ON MAGIC ISLAND See: THE RETURN OF CHANDU

THE CHANGELING (1979 CAN) D: PETER MEDAK W: WILLIAM GRAY/DIANA MADDOX/RUSSELL HUNTER P: JOEL B. MICHAELS/GARTH H. DRABINSKY George C. Scott is a composer who moves into a big old house in Seattle after his wife and child are killed in an accident. Creepy things start happening and he finds a hidden room where murder occurred. It turns out to be a skeleton in the closet of the senator’s family. Although some parts are laughable (like the wheelchair attack scene), this is a not-bad haunted house movie with some effective scary moments. With Trish Van Devere, Melvyn Douglas and Barry Morse. From the director of THE KRAYS.

THE CHANGER See: THE NOSTRIL PICKER

CHANGING LANES (2002 US) D: ROGER MICHELL W: CHAP TAYLOR/MICHAEL TOLKIN P: SCOTT RUDIN Ben Affleck is a successful lawyer who has lost an important document after colliding with insurance salesman and unstable recovering alcoholic Samuel L. Jackson on the freeway. The accident makes Jackson late for a court hearing for the custody of his kids, so he holds Affleck personally responsible for ruining his life. The two pit their wits against each other in increasingly dangerous and chaotic ways during one day in NYC. What begins as an exciting uncredited copy of the Richard Dreyfuss/Danny DeVito comedy TIN MEN (1987) soon winds up a preachy and unlikely message movie. With Toni Collette, Sydney Pollack, William Hurt, Dylan Baker, Tina Sloan, Richard Jenkins, Matt Malloy, Amanda Peet, Joe Grifasi, Deenhah Patterson, Kevin Sussman and Shabazz Richardson.

CHAOS (1985) See: RAN

THE CHAOS FACTOR (2000 US) D/W: TERRY CUNNINGHAM W: JOHN KELLY P: JOSEPH MERHI/RICHARD PEPIN Antonio Sabato Jr. is a soldier who unearths a journal while excavating in Vietnam (on the Cambodian border). Written by an American soldier it tells of Camp Blue, a top secret experiment camp during the ’nam war where Vietnamese were burnt by a psychotic Asian-hating General (played in the present day by Fred Ward). The CIA covered it up and Sabato becomes a moving target on the eve of talks involving the Chinese selling nukes to the Vietnamese. This potentially interesting plot is given the PM Entertainment treatment, so there are lots of car chases and shoot-outs, but still it’s not bad. With R. Lee Ermey and Kelly Rutherford.

CHARADES See: FELONS

CHARISMA (1999 JPN) D/W: KIYOSHI KUROSAWA P: ATSUYUKI SHIMORA/TETSU KANO A hardworking but burnt-out and ineffective Tokyo detective (Koji Yakusho) leaves the city to wander about in the woods. He eats lots of hallucinogenic mushrooms and meets many odd, obsessive characters, who either want to save or destroy a tree called Charisma. At the end it suddenly gets really violent with a head bashed with a big cartoonish mallet, death by sword and a big explosion. It doesn’t make much sense, is too long, ponderous and pretentious and I still don’t know what they were trying to say (if anything). But it does have some interesting evocative moments for patient viewers. With the very busy Ren Osugi, Hiroyuki Ikeuchi, Jun Fukubi and Toko Doguchi. Yakusho starred in Kurosawa’s classic CURE.

THE CHARLES BUKOWSKI TAPES (1983 US) D: BARBET SCHROEDER Just short of four hours long, this is a taped document (in 52 short chapters) of legendary novelist/poet/philosopher/piss-artist Charles Bukowski talking about his life, career and (very low) opinions of the human race. Not many people would be this interesting to look at for so long, but Bukowski is. Mostly static in a chair with a beer, but sometimes we take a look at a place he used to live in, and one segment has him giving a tour of Hollywood and Western from the back of a car. Most surprising for me was him reading a poem that must have inspired Fulci’s CAT IN THE BRAIN. Schroeder also made the great BARFLY, based on Bukowski.

CHARLES MANSON SUPERSTAR (1989 US) D/W/P: NIKOLAS SCHRECK This is a flawed but fascinating documentary that argues that maybe Manson should not be in prison (most people tend to forget that he didn’t actually kill anyone himself). I don’t buy into Schreck’s whitewashing of Manson’s character, could have done without the silly attempts at linking separate incidents connected by dates and trying to find in them some relevance, while some “facts” are just plain wrong (John Lennon did not write Helter Skelter). But the long interview segments (from the 80s) with Manson in jail are a must-see; obviously an intelligent and insightful man (and a little bit just plain nuts) with an (unorthodox) articulation as to why he thinks society has incarcerated him for so long. He mentions the Abraxas religion and points out that he was not a child of the 60s. Manson family fans will love seeing Tex Watson as a prison preacher and footage out in the desert showing the remains of Manson’s proposed dune buggy attack battalion. You also get to see Manson’s little string dolls that he made in prison and mailed to various people and hear his music on the soundtrack. I guess the most important point this all has to make is that the original Bugliosi trial was a miscarriage of justice.

CHARLEY VARRICK (kill charley varrick) (1973 US) D/P: DON SIEGEL W: HOWARD RODMAN/ DEAN RIESNER Varrick (Walter Matthau) and hot-headed companion Andy Robinson (Scorpio in Siegel’s DIRTY HARRY) are the surviving members of a small-time stick-up gang who find themselves in possession of John Vernon’s dirty mob money that was resting in the small-town bank they robbed. Utterly engrossing thriller dissects the aftermath of that robbery as the cool, calculating Varrick cunningly orchestrates his getaway. Joe Don Baker is a sadistic, pipe-smoking hitman. With William Schallert, Norman Fell, Craig R. Baxley, Bob Steele, Marjorie Bennett and Siegel playing Ping-Pong. It’s based on John Pesce’s novel The Looters.

CHARLIE’S ANGELS (2000 US GER) D: McG W: RYAN ROWE/ED SOLOMON/JOHN AUGUST P: LEONARD GOLDBERG/DREW BARRYMORE/NANCY JUVONEN Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu are three martial arts crime-fighters in this update of the 70s tv series. Basically you’d have to be either an idiot or insanely optimistic to expect anything more than style over substance, but unfortunately the style isn’t fun enough to cut it. With Bill Murray, Tim Curry, Crispin Glover (who doesn’t say anything), Kelly Lynch, Matt Le Blanc, L.L. Cool J, Sam Rickwell, Luke Wilson, Tom Green, Sean Whalen, Alex Trebek, Ned Bellamy, Elke Jeinsen and the voice of John Forsythe.

CHARLIE’S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE (2003 US) D: McG W: JOHN AUGUST/CORMAC WIBBERLEY/MARIANNE WIBBERLEY P: DREW BARRYMORE/LEONARD GOLDBERG/NANCY JUVONEN Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu return in this bigger, louder, dumber sequel. The plot involves stolen rings with witness relocation info on them. If you loved the first movie then I guess you’re gonna enjoy. Crispin Glover also returns. With Bernie Mac, Justin Theroux, Robert Patrick, Demi Moore, Matt Le Blanc, John Cleese, Rodrigo Santoro, Shia Le Beouf, Luke Wilson, Eric Bogosian, Robert Forster, Carrie Fisher, Pink, Jennifer Gimenez, Bruce Willis, John Forsythe, Asley Olsen, Mary-Kate Olsen and Jaclyn Smith.

CHARLIE’S FAMILY (the manson family) (1996/2003 US) D/W/P: JIM VANBEBBER P: MICHAEL KING/CARL DRAFT/DAVID GREGORY The ultimate Charles Manson movie. Using numerous filmmaking techniques (including scratched, worn-looking film to lend credence to sometimes very accurate seeming reconstructions), this impressive last-word look at an almost mythical chapter in American history can’t really be done justice in a write-up. A modern-day gang is also seen in a fascinating angle never touched on before. Marcelo Games is an excellent Manson, but most convincing is Leslie Orr as Patricia Krenwinkel. Bebber (who plays Bobby Beausoleil) obviously did his research, and has the talent and energy to get things just right on a micro-budget. A fascinating documentary supplement on the dvd (THE VANBEBBER FAMILY), chronicles the years-in-the-making (beginning in ’88) story behind it (and is a must-see for Bebber fans). I first saw the 1996 workprint on VHS when it was leaked, and must confess the raw look did the story justice. I have a soft spot for that version. But the newer cut is still fantastic. Michael King was the cinematographer. Phil Anselmo from Pantera is the voice of Satan. Sage Stallon redubbed the voice of Jay Sebring. Skinny Puppy provide the score, and see if you can hear the voice of Jim Jones.

CHARRO! (1969 US) D/W/P: CHARLES MARQUIS WARREN W: FREDERICK LOUIS FOX Elvis changes image drastically as a bearded outlaw in this laughable (non-musical) western. The plot revolves around a stolen cannon. With James Sikking, John Pickard and Robert Karnen.

THE CHASE (1994 US) D/W: ADAM RIFKIN P: BRAD WYMAN/CASSIAN ELWES Charlie Sheen is wrongly accused of armed robbery, so goes on the lam, kidnapping poor rich kid Kristy Swanson. The police chase them to Tijuana, while the media insist on total coverage. This misfire attempt at an action-satire has the subtlety of a sledgehammer and would make an irritating double bill with the same year’s NATURAL BORN KILLERS. With Ray Wise, Marshall Bell, Josh Mostel, Elwes, Claudia Christian, Henry Rollins, Marco Perella, Flea and Ron Jeremy. Sheen was an executive producer.

THE CHASE FOR THE GOLDEN NEEDLES See: GOLDEN NEEDLES

THE CHASER (chugyeogja) (2007 S.KOR) D/W: NA HONG-JIN W: HONG WON-CHAN/SHINHO LEE P: CHOI MOON-SU Based on a true story, this fantastic thriller is an almost unbelievable tale (actually, tragedy) guaranteed to provoke an emotional response, even from jaded viewers. Kim Yoon-seok is brilliant in a complex, difficult anti-hero (in the true sense of the word) role as a selfish pimp who inadvertently does more to catch a serial killer (Ha Jeong-woo, also very good) than the police, who are tied-up in bureaucracy. Gripping from the getgo, full of surprises and blackly comic enough that it doesn’t completely ruin your day. With Soo Yeong-hie. See it.

CHASING SLEEP (insomnies; rem) (2000 CAN US FRA) D/W: MICHAEL WALKER P: OLIVIER GLAAS/THOMAS BIDEGAIN Jeff Daniels awakes one night to find that his wife has not arrived home from work. Hours become days and policeman Gil Bellows is put in charge of the missing persons case. Zach Grenier is a counsellor who gives insomniac Daniels some sleeping pills. Emily Bergl is a cute student who comes ‘round. Water is leaking into the walls, there’s obviously some problem with the plumbing and a severed finger is found. This very slow-moving and claustrophobic character study never leaves Daniels (who’s very good) in that one house, so we never know what is hallucination and what isn’t, and never really find out what happened, either. For those who can handle the sense of non-closure and don’t need a surprise ending, it’s a deftly handled mood piece (the director’s debut).

THE CHASTITY BELT See: UP THE CHASTITY BELT

CHATO’S LAND (1972 US) D/P: MICHAEL WINNER W: GERALD WILSON Before the opening credits roll, Apache Charles Bronson guns down a bigoted sheriff who was hassling him in a saloon, and rides off into the desert. Jack Palance heads a posse of angry men to hunt him down. Bronson gets real mad after they rape his woman. The European cut of this mostly tedious western has alternate scenes of violence and nudity (nothing worth writing home about). It was shot in Spain, and was the first of several Winner/Bronson collaborations (the next was THE MECHANIC, the same year). With Richard Basehart, Simon Oakland, James Whitmore, Ralph Waite, Richard Jordan and Peter Dyneley.

CHATROOM (2010 UK) D: HIDEO NAKATA W: ENDA WALSH P: LAURA HASTINGS-SMITH/ALISON OWEN/ PAUL TRIJBITS Aaron Johnson (KICK-ASS) opens a private chatroom (“Chelsea teens!”) for himself and a few others (Matthew Beard, Imogen Poots, and Hannah Murray and Daniel Kaluuya from the Skins tv series). It’s represented by actors talking in a virtual reality room (the Internet is depicted as a long corridor). We know pretty early on that Johnson is disturbed and looking for a weak victim — a conclusion reached with no surprises. Advertised as a horror movie (the director’s first non-Japanese movie since THE RING TWO), it’s more of a thriller (sans thrills). The trappings are immediately dated, and very stagey (no surprises there, it’s based on Walsh’s play). There are some claymation interludes.

THE CHEAP DETECTIVE (1978 US) D: ROBERT MOORE W: NEIL SIMON P: RAY STARK This is a much funnier follow up to MURDER BY DEATH, starring Peter Falk as a PI on a murder case. CASABLANCA, THE MALTESE FALCON and others are spoofed. There are still some real groan-inducing gags, but also a lot of genuinely funny ones to compensate (and Falk is always a bonus). With Ann-Margret, Eileen Brennan, Sid Caesar, Stockard Channing, Dom De Luise, Louise Fletcher, Madeline Kahn, John Houseman, Marsha Mason, Don Hastings, Phil Silvers, Abe Vigoda, Paul Williams, James Cromwell, Scatman Crothers, David Ogden Stiers, Vic Tayback and Jonathan Banks.

CHEECH AND CHONG’S NEXT MOVIE (high encounters of the ultimate kind) (1980 US) D/W: THOMAS CHONG W: CHEECH MARIN P: HOWARD BROWN Chong hangs out with Cheech’s crazy cousin in the second Cheech and Chong movie. It’s nowhere near as funny as UP IN SMOKE, but is slightly more amusing than their later films. Paul Reubens can be seen as Pee Wee Herman and a hotel desk clerk. With Michael Winslow (pre-POLICE ACADEMY), Edie McClurg, Missy Cleveland, Phil Hartman and Cassandra Peterson. CHEECH AND CHONG’S NICE DREAMS was next.

CHEECH AND CHONG’S NICE DREAMS (1981 US) D/W: THOMAS CHONG W: CHEECH MARIN P: HOWARD BROWN The third Cheech and Chong movie is suitably catatonic and laid back for a stoner comedy, but unfortunately it’s not funny (even if you’re as high as a kite). An experimental crop of big buds turns characters (including pothead cop Stacy Keach, from UP IN SMOKE) into lizards (don’t expect full transformation FX scenes). With Paul Reubens, Timothy Leary, Michael Winslow, Sandra Bernhard, Cheryl Rainbeaux, Peter Jason, Lenny Bruce’s mom Sally Marr and Linnea Quigley.

CHEECH AND CHONG STILL SMOKIN’ (1983 US) D/W: THOMAS CHONG W: CHEECH MARIN P: PETER MacGREGOR SCOTT Cheech and Chong are invited to Amsterdam for a Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton film festival (?). They put on a show to raise money for their sponsors. Whether you’re stoned or not, the gags and skits are very weak and astonishingly unfunny. There’s some nudity and stock footage of various animals (including baboons) humping. With Linnea Quigley, Kees Prins and Arjam Ederveen.

CHEECH AND CHONG: THE CORISCAN BROTHERS (1984 US) D/W: THOMAS CHONG W: CHEECH MARIN/RIKKI MARIN P: PETER MacGREGOR-SCOTT The once relatively amusing duo had come a long way by the mid-80s. Their previous film was YELLOWBEARD, and they decided to drop the drug humour for this lame, historical “comedy”. They play Alaxandre Dumas’ Coriscan Borthers in revolution era France. With Sophie Favier, Edie McClurg, Rikki Marin, Rae Dawn Chong, Jean-Claude Dreyfus, David Gabison, Ann Gaylor, Andre Penvern, Andre Chaumeau, Georgette and Germaine Delbot. Cheech and Chong appeared together in AFTER HOURS.

CHEECH AND CHONG: YELLOW PIRATES See: YELLOWBEARD

THE CHEERLEADERS (the 18 year old schoolgirls; return to montclair) (1973 US) D/W/P: PAUL GLICKER W: ACE BAANDIGE/TAD RICHARDS W/P: RICHARD LERNER A high school virgin tries hard for an open position on the cheerleading squad in this drive-in classic. If for some ridiculous reason you get tired of watching young girls in short skirt cheerleader outfits shot in the most leering, lingering fashion then there’s not much else for you. A limerick spouting student says “don’t get your liver in a quiver”, and the lesbian scene involving an exercise belt and bike is the most memorable image. BATTLESHIP POTEMKIN could have done with some more cheerleaders in it. Stupid Eisenstein.

CHEERLEADERS BEACH PARTY (california cheerleaders) (1978 US) D/P: ALEX E. GOITEIN W: CHUCK VINCENT P: DENNIS MURPHY A bunch of cheerleaders use various means (surprisingly, most don’t involve sex or nudity) to stop their school’s football team defecting to another college. Bottom-of-thebarrel drive-in dreck is far too tame, and the “hilarious” ending involves a heavy dose of crabs. Goitein also made CHERRY HILL HIGH. Vincent was a porno director who later went R rated.

CHEERLEADERS WILD WEEKEND (the great american girl robbery; bus 17 is missing) (1979 US) D: JEFF WERNER W: D.W. GILBERT/JASON WILLIAMS P: CHUCK RUSSELL Williams (also associate producer) stars as an ex pro football player turned criminal who leads a gang of kidnappers in hijacking a school bus full of cheerleaders for ransom. Tracy Ann King (aka Marilyn Joi, a black beauty from several trash favourites) gets topless during a goofy time-wasting strip contest. Also out of place are odd slomo scenes in which Williams remembers his football days. There’s also a lesbian groping scene in the bath. Kristine DeBell co-stars. Mostly forgotten today, DeBell and Williams were drive-in box office draws, he for FLESH GORDON, and her for the X-rated ALICE IN WONDERLAND (1976). With Robert Houston. Only for drive-in completists, it was Russell’s first major production credit.

CHEMICAL 51 See: THE 51st STATE

CHERRY FALLS (the incident) (2000 US) D: GEOFFREY WRIGHT W: KEN SELDEN P: MARSHALL PERSINGER/ ELI SELDEN Someone is killing-off virgin teens at the town of Cherry Falls. Brittany Murphy stars as one of many high school kids wondering if impulsive first-time sex is worth it to save themselves from being murdered. This slasher movie is nothing special, but its provocative subject matter and assured direction from Wright (ROMPER STOMPER, METAL SKIN) make it a hell of a lot more interesting than the majority of post-SCREAM clones. With Gabriel Mann, Jay Mohr, Michael Biehn, Jesse Bradford, Douglas Spain, Keram Malicki-Sanchez, Natalie Ramsey, Candy Clark, Kristen Miller, Michael Weston, D.J. Qualls and Mark Joy.

CHERRY HILL HIGH (1977 US) D/P: ALEX E. GOITEIN W: WILLIAM SHEARS/WYLIE WHITE Five virgin girls on a school cycling and camping trip are encouraged by their teacher to pop their cherries “in the most original way” (it becomes a competition). One makes it underwater with a shark wrestler, another is balled in the back of a stock car during a race, a lesbian biker in the woods picks up another girl, one fucks in a barrel of grapes to make wine, another screws a man in a chicken suit on live tv and the French exchange student gets it on in a “haunted house” in a coffin. The final girl falls in love with a guy who dresses like an alien to abduct her. “True love is the most original way of all.” This very silly sex comedy is a prime example of its era (complete with truckers who say “good buddy” and “eager beavers”), which is the only thing that makes it of interest nowadays.

CHERRY 2000 (love android cherry) (1985 US) D: STEVE DE JARNATT W: MICHAEL ALMEREYDA/ LLOYD FONVIELE P: EDWARD R. PRESSMAN/CALDECOT CHUBB You may be sick of MAD MAX-inspired post-nuke action “westerns”, but this one’s better than most. David Andrews is a city dweller in love with his perfect android companion (Pamela Gidley). But she breaks down, so he hires red-haired, red mustang-driving tracker Melanie Griffith to take him to the desolate, dangerous “Zone 7” (where villainous Tim Thomerson rules) to get a new one. Parts seem disjointed and the silly humour is laid on a bit thick at times, but this is basically good fun all the way with great location work (outside Las Vegas and the Hoover Dam) and fantastic stuntwork (especially for such a low-budget production). With Ben Johnson as Six-Fingered Jake, Brion James, Harry Carey Jr. (“you can just go shit in your hat”), Robert Z’Dar, Larry Fishburne, Marshall Bell and Jack Thibeau rounding out a fun cast. Director De Jarnett also made the very different MIRACLE MILE, but both have a romantic core to them. Almereyda later directed his own movies, like NADJA (1994).

CHICKEN PARK (1994 ITL) D: JERRY CALA W: GINA CAPONE W/P: GALLIANA JUSO Cala stars in this unbelievably unfunny spoof of JURASSIC PARK with giant chickens. Some of the other films spoofed are EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, FULL METAL JACKET, HOME ALONE, THE DEER HUNTER and THE ADDAMS FAMILY. This lame, depressing attempt is also homophobic. With Rossy De Palma.

THE CHIEH BOXING MASTER See: THE CHINESE STUNT MAN

UN CHIEN ANDALOU (an andalousian dog) (1928 FRA) D/W/P: LUIS BUÑUEL/SALVADOR DALÍ Buñuel and Dalí’s first collaboration (they learned to hate each other years later) caused outrage when first released and is still pretty eye opening (and slicing). As well as its famous opening scene, there are ants crawling from a hand, and in the funniest scene a man dragging two pianos (with dead donkeys on them) which are tied to two bewildered looking priests. It’s about 20 mins long and belongs in that small category of genuine dreamlike films (with the likes of ERASERHEAD).

THE CHILD See: CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666

CHILD BRIDE (dust to dust) (1937 US) D/W: HARRY J. REVIER P: RAYMOND FRIEDGEN (uncredited) Kroger Babb backed this notorious and pretty interesting b/w roadshow hit (that runs about one hour) from the director of LASH OF THE PENITENTES (1936). The fairly involved Ozarks backwoods plot involves a schoolmarm almost lynched by locals when she tries to stop them from marrying “young ‘uns”, infighting and treachery among illegal moonshiners (including little Angelo Rossitto) and, of course, underage marriage (and skinny dipping). Warner Richmond is in it. Apparently when it played as DUST TO DUST it had a birth-of-a-baby reel added, but it’s (still) fairly shocking as it is (the ending is creepy and memorable).

CHILD COLLECTOR See: THE SPREADING GROUND

THE CHILD OF PEACH (xing tao tai lang; zhuo gui za pai jun) (1987 TAI) D/P: CHAN JUN-LEUNG W: YIU HING-HONG P: CHOY CHUNG-LAM The popular Japanese children’s fairy tale Momotaro, about a boy born from a peach with magical powers, is used as a springboard for this hit action fantasy starring female Lam Siu-Lau (of KUNG FU WONDER CHILD) in the title role. The occasional section drags, but this bizarre mixture of magic, wire-fu, monsters, comedy and outlandishness is certainly worth a look. It spawned three sequels, CHILD OF PEACH 2, MAGIC OF SPELL and MAGIC WARRIORS.

CHILD OF SATAN See: TO THE DEVIL — A DAUGHTER

CHILD OF THE NIGHT See: NIGHT CHILD

CHILDREN OF MEN (tomorrow world) (2006 UK US) D/W: ALFONSO CUARON W: TIMOTHY J. SEXTON/ DAVID ARATA/MARK FERGUS/HAWK OSTBY P: MARC ABRAHAM/ERIC NEWMAN/HILARY SHOR/ IAIN SMITH/TONY SMITH In a war-torn future where no child has been born for almost twenty years, a black refugee from Fuji (Claire-Hope Ashitery) is about to give birth in London (in the midst of a civil war, with oppressed minorities being lockedup and deported). Clive Owen stars as the reluctant, burnt-out saviour who protects her from violence, Fascists and political radicals who want her baby. This very impressive-looking and depressing dystopian sci-fi drama/thriller is based on a novel by P.D. James (very loosely). The look of future London is extremely realistic, aided by sparing but effective CGI FX. As is the case with most above average releases that hit theatres nowadays, it was wildly overrated by many (you must be tired of hearing about all the long tracking shots), but it is different, quite good and a swipe at then-current US (and coalition) politics. With Julianne Moore, Michael Caine, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Charlie Hunnam, Pam Ferris, Peter Mullan and Danny Huston. The director is a former Mexican arthouse favourite who crossed into the mainstream with HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN (2004).

CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984 US) D: FRITZ KIERSCH W: GEORGE GOLDSMITH P: DONALD P. BORCHERS This is in the running for the worst ever Stephen King adaption award (there should also be such an award for movies based on Dean R. Koontz, H.P. Lovecraft and Bram Stoker). Linda Hamilton arrives in a small Nebraska town where the kids have sacrificed all the adults to their corn god. A never-seen monster lurks underground. With R.G. Armstrong and Terence Kirby. A compilation video called STEPHEN KING’S NIGHT SHIFT COLLECTION features a shorter student take on the same story. Remade for tv in 2009.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 2: THE FINAL SACRIFICE (children of the corn: deadly harvest) (1992 US) D: DAVID F. PRICE W: A.L. KATZ/GILBERT ADLER P: SCOTT A. STONE/DAVID G. STANLEY It’s an improvement on the original, but that isn’t saying much and only elevates it to the level of a passable horror sequel. A journalist arrives in the small cornfield town to cover the unearthing of adult bodies killed in the original. An alienated son is in danger of being sucked into another killer teen cult in the next town. An old woman is crushed under a house and (in the funniest scene) another old woman in a remote-controlled electric wheelchair is hit by a truck. Bob Keen provides FX. With Ed Grady, Joe Inscoe, Robert C. Treveiler and Robert Harvey. Phil Smoot (THE DARK POWER) was the production manager.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 3: URBAN HARVEST (urban harvest) (1995 US) D: JAMES D.R. HICKOX W: DODE B. LEVENSON P: GARY DE PEW/BRAD SOUTHWICK Two brothers from the same rural town of the first two movies are adopted by a stock market businessman and his wife in Chicago. The older good brother (who seems much too old to be adopted) makes friends while the other grows a field of evil corn (!) out back on the site of an abandoned factory and may be the Devil incarnate as he possesses other teens, kills a priest and feeds grown-ups corn that makes them cough up roaches. Meanwhile the new dad unwittingly makes a deal to sell the corn throughout the world, and a shapeless monster with killer vines turns up at the end. This sequel is pretty stupid and doesn’t make much sense, but is kind of enjoyable mindless fun, thanks mostly to Screaming Mad George’s overkill gore FX. It’s easily the most watchable of the series. With Jim Metzler, Michael Ensign, Johnny Legend, Ed Grady, Nicholas Brendon, Rance Howard, Anthony Hickox and Charlize Theron making her debut. Tom Rainone was the associate producer. The director also made GARDEN OF EVIL.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 4: THE GATHERING (urban harvest 2; deadly harvest) (1996 US) D/W: GREG SPENCE W: STEPHEN BERGER P: GARY DE PEW This one sucks. Naomi Watts is a student who returns to her Nebraska home town to look after her mother (Karen Black), who’s having recurring nightmares and won’t step beyond her garden perimeter. Local kids kill some adults with scythes and develop a fever while claiming to be other kids from the past (with biblical names). The pathetic, unrelated story has something to do with resurrecting a boy preacher who was killed. Dull and dumb. With William Windom and Harrison Young.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 5: FIELDS OF TERROR (1998 US) D/W: ETHAN WILEY P: JEFF GEOFFRAY/ WALTER JOSTEN Some teens (Stacy Galina, Alexis Arquette, Eva Mendes and Greg Vaughan) fall foul of the brainwashed, murderous country kids in another lousy sequel. Guest stars Fred Williamson and David Carradine are both killed off in the only exciting (and nonsensical) FX moment. With Ahmet and Diva Zappa, Kane Hodder, Angela Jones and Adam Wylie. From the director of HOUSE 2.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666: ISAAC’S RETURN (the child) (1999 US) D: KARI SKOGLAND W: TIM SULKA/JOHN FRANKLIN P: BILL PERRY/ JEFF GEOFFRAY/WALTER JOSTEN A 19-year-old adopted daughter who was born in the corn village returns to find her mother (top-billed Nancy Allen). But her presence sees that a prophecy comes true, and Isaac (writer Franklin) awakens from a long coma to prepare a new sacrifice. This entry tries to keep things interesting with good camerawork and editing, but is still very boring. Stacy Keach is fun to watch as a doctor, but he dies soon. With Alix Koromzay.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 7: REVELATION (2001 US) D: GUY MAGAR W: S.J. SMITH P: MICHAEL LEAHY/ JOEL SOISSON If you haven’t given up on this series yet, then you deserve to find out for yourself how thoroughly tedious and pathetic this entry is. With Michael Ironside (who should do better movies) and Michael Rogers. CHILDREN OF THE CORN: GENESIS (2011) followed.

CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED (1963 UK) D: ANTON M. LEADER W: JOHN BRILEY Excellent b/w follow up to VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED is in some ways better. A small group of hyperintelligent children from all over the world barricade themselves inside a London church while scientists and the military panic about the possible end of the human species. Only the rushed-seeming ending lets it down, but otherwise it’s essential viewing with a particularly well-written and witty script. With Ian Hendry and Bessie Love.

CHILDREN OF THE LIVING DEAD (2001 US) D: TOR RAMSEY W/P: KAREN L. WOLF P: JOHN A. RUSSO Begins with Tom Savini shooting and blowing up zombies in the countryside. He’s killed by some kind of super zombie of a serial killer. Years later a secondhand car dealership is building a lot over an old graveyard where corpses have gone missing, and a new plague of zombies spreads. This didn’t make much sense to me, and it was pretty boring. Wolf has a part, and there are allusions to the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.

CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS (zombie graveyard; revenge of the living dead; things from the dead; cemetery of the dead) (1972 CAN) D/W/P: BENJAMIN (BOB) CLARK W: ALAN ORMSBY P: CARL GOOCHY Alan Ormsby leads a bunch of annoying theatrical types to a remote graveyard (in Miami, Florida) for a black magic ceremony. After some grave robbing, the dead take their revenge. Clark’s third feature as director (after the obscure SHE MAN and THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES) gets pretty warped and interesting after a slow start. Ormsby (who wears some outrageous striped slacks) also provided the zombie makeup. Also in the cast is Jeff Gillen, with whom Ormsby made the excellent DERANGED. Clark made DEATHDREAM first, however, another zombie horror favourite.

CHILD’S PLAY (1988 US) D/W: TOM HOLLAND W: DON MANCINI/JOHN LAFIA P: DAVID KIRSCHNER Murderer Brad Dourif is shot down by cops in a toy store. Just before he dies, he uses magic to transfer his soul into a doll called Chucky. Chucky is bought for a little girl and starts stalking and killing babysitters with a knife while talking with Dourif’s voice. Chris Sarandon (from Holland’s FRIGHT NIGHT) stars. With Neil Guintoli. Not bad little chiller was an unexpected hit, so Chucky was franchised and sequels appeared.

CHILD’S PLAY 2 (1990 US) D: JOHN LAFIA W: DON MANCINI P: DAVID KIRSCHNER The little kid from the first film is now with foster parents Jenny Agutter and Gerrit Graham when Chucky (Ed Gale and the voice of Brad Dourif) comes back to life, stalks the little boy and kills. This mostly routine sequel has its moments, my favourite being when a toy factory maintenance worker is given doll eyeballs. With Grace Zabriskie, Beth Grant and Adam Wylie.

CHILD’S PLAY 3 (1991 US) D: JACK BENDER W: DON MANCINI P: ROBERT LATHAM BROWN Justin Whalin is the 16-year-old grown-up Alex Vincent character, now in a military academy. Chucky gets revived by greedy corporates and the usual mayhem ensues. With Andrew Robinson, Dakin Matthews, Henry G. Sanders and Brad Dourif’s voice (who says “Don’t fuck with chuck”). In Britain this tape was pulled from shelves and burnt by “responsible” video shop owners (it was never officially banned) after it was blamed for the murder of Jamie Bulger by the irresponsible tabloids. THE BRIDE OF CHUCKY followed.

CHILLER (1985 US) D: WES CRAVEN W/P: J.D. FEIGELSON A young man in cryogenic suspension begins to thaw prematurely. He takes over the family corporation and does evil things (because he has no soul). Lifeless tv movie from Craven is a Monkey’s Paw variation with a doting mother character who can’t see her son’s evils. With Paul Sorvino as a priest, Dick O’Neill and Alan Fudge. Stan Winston’s FX aren’t used much.

THE CHILLING (1981) See: NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES

CHINA GIRL (1987 US) D: ABEL FERRARA W: NICHOLAS ST. JOHN P: MICHAEL NUZIK Richard Panebianco and Sari Chang are the star crossed young Romeo and Juliet style lovers from warring Italian and Chinese gangster families in this decent if unspectacular New York action movie (with good location work). It’s much more entertaining than the dull DiCaprio vehicle a decade later, which I would say copied some of its ideas. With James Hong, James Russo, David Caruso, Russell Wong, Robert Miano and Robert LaSardo.

CHINA 9, LIBERTY 37 (clayton and catherine; clayton drumm; gunfire; amore, piombo e furore) (1978 ITL SPN) D/P: MONTE HELLMAN P: GIANNI BOZZACCHI/VALERIO DE PAOLIS W: JERRY HARVEY/DOUGLAS VENTURELLI Fabio Testi is given amnesty from a hanging if he promises to kill landowner Warren Oates so his land can be used for a railroad. But Testi and Oates get on fine, only to have their relationship sour when Oates’ wife (Jenny Agutter) falls for Testi. This excellent low-key western was shot in Spain. On some Euro prints assistant director Antonio (Tony) Brandt is credited with the direction. But it’s undoubtedly Hellman’s work. With Sam Peckinpah, Tony Brandt and Luis Barboo and a great Pino Donaggio score. It comes highly recommended.

CHINA O’BRIEN (1988 US) D/P: ROBERT CLOUSE W/P: SANDRA WEINTRAUB P: FRED WEINTRAUB Cynthia Rothrock had already proven that she could kick ass in several Hong Kong productions before she returned to America to star in many lousy direct-to-video action movies. Clouse had already directed Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan and Jim Kelly but still doesn’t seem to know anything about filming martial arts. The flimsy plot has Rothrock as an ex-cop martial arts instructor who helps her sheriff dad catch gangsters. I wouldn’t mind if the action was there, but it ain’t too exciting. With Richard Norton and Keith Cooke. A sequel followed in 1990.

CHINA STRIKE FORCE See: SPY N

THE CHINA SYNDROME (1979 US) D/W: JAMES BRIDGES W: MIKE GRAY/T.S. COOK P: MICHAEL DOUGLAS One of the best things that Michael Douglas ever did was put money into this great antinuke conspiracy movie. He also acts on-screen as a cameraman for tv news reporter Jane Fonda, investigating a potentially lethal nuclear power plant failure that was covered up. With Jack Lemmon, James Karen, Wilford Brimley, Scott Brady, James Hampton and Lewis Arquette. There was also a Making Of documentary. The Pennsylvania Three Mile Island plant exploded just after this was released.

CHINATOWN (1974 US) D/W: ROMAN POLANSKI W: ROBERT TOWNE P: ROBERT EVANS Private Investigator Jack Nicholson (at the top of his game) stumbles across a conspiracy to irrigate land with stolen water during a drought in a stone-cold classic neo-noir essential set in the LA of the 1930s. What can I add that hasn’t already been said about one of Polanski’s finest (the last one he made on American soil). The ending featuring Faye Dunaway and John Huston is still a shocker. With Diane Ladd, John Hillerman, Dick Bakalyan, Burt Young, Bruce Glover, James Hong, Roy Jenson, Rance Howard, John Holland, Jesse Vint, Noble Williams, Roy Roberts and, of course, Polanski slitting open Nicholson’s nose. Shot by John A. Alonzo, with a fine score from Jerry Goldsmith. Polanski made the incredible THE TENANT next. Nicholson directed the follow up THE TWO JAKES (1990).

CHINATOWN KID (tong yan gaai siu ji; tang ren jie xiao zi) (1977 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG/ JAMES WONG P: RUN RUN SHAW/MONA FONG Fu Sheng is a poor uneducated refugee living in Hong Kong with his grandfather. When he aggravates the local Triad gang he must move to San Francisco as an illegal alien. But his fighting skills get him into trouble with the local Chinatown gangs there, too. When he eventually ends up working for the mob himself he must fight the hand that feeds him to regain his friends and his honour. Kind of a remake of Cheh’s DISCIPLES OF SHAOLIN (also with Sheng), it’s an excellent mix of kung fu action and chivalry and a must-see for fans of the genre. Liu Ka Ting and Robert Tai provided the choreography (and both appear on-screen). With Kuo Choi, Sun Chien, Lo Meng, Ha Ping, Wong Ching Ho, Lo Dik, Lu Feng, Chiang Nan, Kara Hui, Goo Goon Chung, Dick Wei, James Wong, Jamie Luk, Lam Fai Wong, Wang Han, Gam Gwan, Sai Gwa Paau, Siu Yam Yam, Wong Lik, Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Choi Wang and Yeung Chi Hing. Another version was THE BAREFOOT KID.

THE CHINESE BOXER (hammer of the gods; lung foo moon; long hu men) (1969 HK) D/W: JIMMY WANG YU P: RUNME SHAW Wang Yu’s directorial debut was an early success story for the Shaw Bros studio, and an innovative redefining of the kung fu genre. No one had ever seen this kind of approach before, with training scenes concentrating on fighting styles that are pivotal to the plot. Lo Lieh is the leader of a troublesome gang of Japanese karate experts who kill Wang Yu’s boxing school teacher. In true xenophobic Wang Yu style, the Japanese are evil and heartless and karate is considered “crude”. But forget that, and enjoy the brutal ballbusting action including a gripping final duel on the snowcapped mountains of Korea. Essential. With San Kuai, Yeun Woo Ping, Cheng Lui, Wong Chung, Jason Pai Piao, Kok Lee Yan, Tsang Choh Lam, Wong Kwong Yue, Chen Kuan Tai, Hsu Hsia, Fung Hak On, Yuen Chang Yan, Wong Pau Gei and Chan Lau. Tang Chia was the fight choreographer.

THE CHINESE CONNECTION See: FIST OF FURY

THE CHINESE CONNECTION PART 2 See: FIST OF FURY 2

A CHINESE GHOST STORY (sin lui yau wan; quian nu you hun) (1987 HK) D: CHING SIU TUNG W: YUEN GAI CHI P: TSUI HARK This amazing and influential hit fantasy (based on Pu Songlings’s often filmed The Magic Sword) stars Leslie Cheung as a clumsy monk who falls in love with the ghost of Joey Wang. To save her he must do battle with a tree demon and a giant killer tongue (among others). Superior photography, FX, acting and action make it a must see. Hark was also the executive producer of the whole series (all worth seeing). Wang would later retread the same role several times in (usually inferior) knock-offs. With Wu Ma, Lau Siu Ming, Lam Wai, Wong Jing and David Wu Dai Wai. There is also an animated version. An earlier adaption of the same novel is THE ENCHANTING SHADOW (1960). I’ve not seen it but apparently it was a huge influence on this version.

A CHINESE GHOST STORY 2 (sam liu yau wan yan gaan diy; quian nu you hun ren jian do) (1990 HK) D: CHING SIU TUNG W: LEUNG YIU MING/LAM KEE-TO/ LAU DAAI MUK P: TSUI HARK Fine sequel with Leslie Cheung and Joey Wang returning to battle a rock demon and a giant centipede. With Jacky Cheung, Wu Ma, Waise Lee, Michelle Reis, Lau Shun, Lau Siu Ming, Ouyang Shafei and enough action, fantasy, comedy and imaginative FX to keep everyone happy. There’s even a brief musical number. My favourite scene is the sword-surfing.

A CHINESE GHOST STORY 3 (1991 HK) D: CHING SIU TUNG W/P: TSUI HARK W: ROY SZETO Tony Leung replaces Leslie Cheung in this entry that more-or-less retreads the same ground as the original. Jacky Cheung returns from the previous entry (in a different role) and the tongues are back, too. Joey Wang’s character is different in this one, and the proceedings are a little more adult in tone. There are more ghosts (including one with really long fingernails) and it suffers from overkill and lack of originality. It seems more like a rip-off of the series than part of it. With Nina Li Chi, Lau Shun and Tommy Wong. Hark presented a CHINESE GHOST STORY animation in 1997, and 2011 saw a new remake.

CHINESE IRON MAN See: IRON MAN (1973)

CHINESE KUNG FU See: DUEL OF THE MASTERS

THE CHINESE PROFESSIONALS See: THE ONEARMED BOXER

THE CHINESE STUNT MAN (counter attack; the chieh boxing master; lung dik ying ji; long de ying zi) (1981 HK) D: HO CHUNG TAO (BRUCE LI) W: YUEN KING P: YIP HOI CHING/NG CHIT CHUNG Ho Chung Tao (more well known as Bruce Li) directs himself as an insurance salesman who gets involved with crooks in the movie business. I wonder if the story about a talented young stuntman risking life and limb for an arsehole star who wants him dead is autobiographical? Not that great, but watchable and the choreography by Pang Gang and Lo Man Kam is fine. With Ngai Ping Ngo, Pang Gang and Kong Do. Bruce Le was assistant director! Li only directed himself in one other picture, 1979’s FISTS OF BRUCE LEE.

CHINESE SUPERMAN See: INFRAMAN

CHINESE SUPER NINJAS See: SUPER NINJAS

CHINESE SUPER NINJA 2 (challenge of the lady ninja; lui yan che; nu ren zhe) (1983 HK) D: LEE TSO NAN W: CHANG SIN YIE P: LIN HO YIN Odd kung fu nonsense probably made back to back with A LIFE OF NINJA (many of the same cast, crew and sets). Chen Kuan Tai is a Chinese traitor helping out the Japanese in an undefined time period (1930s maybe?). A female Chinese ninja (Elsa Yeung) recruits three women to train as assassins so they can get him. Training scenes are devised to make the most of their lithe bodies. There are a bunch of gratuitous (but not graphic) semi-nude scenes. Pang Gang (who choreographed the action) appears, as does Robert Tai (who probably helped out with the choreography as well) as a sword fighter with a spider tattooed on his head. With Cho Kin and Sit Hon.

CHINESE VENGEANCE See: THE BLOOD BROTHERS

CHINMOKU (silence) (1971 JPN) D/W: MASAHIRO SHINODA W: SHUSAKU ENDO Powerful, neglected gem documents the torments of a Portuguese missionary in Japan at the end of the 16th century, a time when Christianity was deemed illegal (having flourished very quickly). Suspected Christians are forced to step on/and or spit at engraved images of Christ and the Virgin Mary to prove their loyalty to the local Shinto religion. Mako has his first really important role (and one of his few in a Japanese film) as a weak yet sympathetic Judas type. With Tetsuro Tamba, Shima Iwashita, Yoshi Kato and a score from Toru Takemitsu. At the time of writing, Martin Scorsese is planning his own adaptation of Endo’s historically accurate, fascinating novel.

CHIVALRY AND KILLER See: THE NOBLE NINJA

CHLOE, LOVE IS CALLING YOU (1934 US) D/W: MARSHALL NEILAN P: J.D. TROP Chloe (Olive Borden) thinks that she’s a light-skinned mixed-race young woman who was raised in the swamp by a bitter old voodoo woman (Georgette Harvey, who says “the Devil’s gonna walk on the white man’s grave”), but has memories of growing-up around white people. She eventually finds out that she is indeed the white daughter of a turpentine distillery-owning southern colonel, who was kidnapped by Harvey to replace her own dead daughter. This very un-PC b/w swamp drama has a clear distinction between the well-off white protagonists and superstitious and malicious black peasants, but is worth it for vintage horror fans thanks to a brief but impressive voodoo ceremony climax. With Reed Howes, Philip Ober and the washboard-led band The Shreveport Home Wreckers (who recorded some great 78s). In b/w and 58 mins long (at least the print I saw), it was shot in Florida, and based on an old hit song (which is heard).

THE CHOICE OF HERCULES (totsunyuseyo! asama sanso jiken) (2002 JPN) D/W: MASATO HARADA P: MASATO HARA/YOSHIO DOJIMA/KAZUYA HAMONA/ MOTOYUKI SUZUKI In the winter of 1972, members of the Japanese Red Army took a woman hostage at a remote lodge in snowy Karuizawa, in Nagano prefecture. Atsuyuki Sassa was a mid-ranking Tokyo Metro detective who was sent to negotiate the red tape and feuding between the professional Tokyo outsiders and the proud local police force, and get the hostage out safe (without the use of firearms, despite being shot at). He wrote a book, the basis for this great movie (Harada certainly has come a long way since GUNHED). Koji Yakusho stars as Sassa. It’s almost a farcical tragicomedy, but never winks an eye or tips a hat, just dramatically reconstructs a campaign of breathtaking incompetence. Only sly musical cues occasionally point to an air of parody. Highly recommended. With Masato Ibu, Ryudo Uzaki, Yuki Amami, Makoto Fujita, Kennichi Endo, Kippei Shiina, Matsuo Suzuki, Masako Motai, Ryoko Shinohara, YoshiYoshi Arakawa, Yusuke Komichi, Yoji Tanaka, Shinji Takeda, Kenjiro Shimaru and Tomohito Yashima. The fact that the hostage-takers are not seen until the very end and their voice is not heard is an interesting choice (that works, keeping it all focused).

CHOI LEE FAT KUNG FU (choy lay fut) (1979 HK) D: CHAN SIU PANG W: FENG WEI LIN Here’s another obscurity starring Cliff Lok that’s been unearthed for a dvd release (a Ground Zero double bill with TIGER’S CLAW). Lok is an outsider who cannot study kung fu at the village school but takes a job as a servant and secretly learns the martial art while doing his chores in iron shoes. Director Pang (who also choreographed the action) is Monk Grass, who develops Lok further with great training scenes. The final showdown villain is Phillip Ko Fei, who uses his long braided hair like a whip. With Yue Tau Wan (recognisable cross-eyed goofball from multiple kung fu favourites), Lam Kau, Tsang Choh Lam, Lee Sau Kei, Yuen Cheung Yan, Sharon Yeung Pan Pan, Yueng Wai, Chiang Kam and Ho Pak Kwong.

CHOKE (2000 US) D/W/P: JOHN SJORGEN P: TRACI VACCARO What a ridiculous film. Dennis Hopper gets mad (“listen you fucking monkey”) and strangles an ex-business associate to death after his daughter is blackmailed. Michael Madsen is a chatty serial killer who’s the only person to see Hopper throw the body out of a second floor window (!) and the two drive cross-country to get rid of each others’ bodies in the trunk. They split-up to provide an alibi for one another, the filmmakers get bored and let it ramble and there’s a quick “surprise” ending. I kinda enjoyed watching this nonsense, but wouldn’t recommend it to the casual viewer or anyone looking for a decent thriller. With Kaylynn.

THE CHOOPER See: BLOOD SHACK

CHOPPER (2000 AUSL) D/W: ANDREW DOMINIK P: MICHAEL BENNETT Mark Brandon Read is one of Australia’s most famous celebrity criminals, his exploits chronicled in his own best-selling books have become legendary in that part of the world. Dominik’s stylish feature debut nicely captures a world where reality and Read’s admitted diversions from the truth merge. Stand-up comedian Eric Bana is excellent as the awkward, loud and very fucking hard crook and killer who survived the years despite himself. With Simon Lyndon, David Field, Vince Colosimo, Kate Beahan and Fletcher Humphreys.

CHOPPER CHICKS IN ZOMBIETOWN (chrome hearts) (1988 US) D/W: DAN HOSKINS P: NANCY PALOIAN/MARIA SNYDER A female biker gang is pitted against zombies in this horror spoof released by Troma. I think some reviewers were so surprised to see a Troma movie that wasn’t a complete failure that they went overboard with the praise. It has some amusing elements, but isn’t really that good. Don Calfa, Ed Gale, Lewis Arquette and a prestardom Billy Bob Thornton are in the cast.

THE CHOPPERS (1961 US) D: LEIGH JASON W/P: ARCH HALL Sr. W: ARCH HALL Jr. A gang of jds are stealing cars, stripping off the vital organs and selling them to junkyard slob Bruno VeSota. Insurance costs in the small desert community skyrocket, so Tom Hart helps the police investigate. Solid b/w jd movie moves at a fast pace and doesn’t outstay it’s welcome. With Arch Hall Sr. as a radio reporter. Jr. also composed the music. If you’re gonna watch it, pick up the Something Weird dvd where it’s double billed with another good Hall movie, WILD GUITAR. Both are much more entertaining than Hall’s more famous EEGAH! As well as the trailers and exploitation art gallery on the disc, you get three great shorts. DANCE CRAZE and TWIST CRAZE are from Bill Rebane (!) and are both in colour (for a review of TWIST CRAZE see TEENAGE U.F.O. ROCK’N’ROLL MONSTER SHOW). In DANCE a man twists too much at a club so must go to see a doctor who advises “more graceful” dances. But who should turn up at the twist club but the doctor and his nurse, both still in uniform! Brilliant!! HOT CAR is an interesting educational film made for cops (Police Service Production No. 258) with advice on how to spot a stolen car.

THE CHOY LAY FAT KID See: NEW SHAOLIN BOXER

CHRISTINA’S HOUSE (1999 CAN) D: GAVIN WILDING W: STUART ALLISON P: TRACEY BOYD Here’s a disappointment. Starts out well as a confidently paced, believable and suspenseful whodunnit. Bodies pop up (and there are disappearances unsolved) around a house where Christina (Allison Lange), a teen, her younger brother and slightly strange father (John Savage) live. But when it finally comes down to it, the killer’s identity is so obvious that it all seems like such a waste of time.

CHRISTINE (1983 US) D: JOHN CARPENTER W: BILL PHILLIPS P: RICHARD KOBRITZ This silly Stephen King adaption stars Keith Gordon as a student who gets a 1958 Red Plymouth Fury that kills people. The car somehow makes him cool, protects him and is difficult to destroy. With Harry Dean Stanton, Alexandra Paul, John Stockwell, Roberts Blossom, Robert Prosky, Kelly Preston and David Spielberg. Carpenter ensures it doesn’t join the pile of really bad King adaptations.

CHRISTMAS See: ‘R XMAS

CHRISTMAS EVIL (you better watch out; terror in toyland) (1980 US) D/W: LEWIS JACKSON P: BURT KLEINER/PETER KAMERON After seeing his mom having sex with Santa when he was a kid, toy factory worker Brandon Maggart (who’s great in his role) grows up to be psychotically obsessed with all things Christmas and Santa. He spies on the neighbourhood kids to tell if they’ve been good or bad, and marks them down in his book. On Christmas Eve, he drives around in a van with a sleigh painted on it and delivers special presents he has made to the good kids. The bad kids get their presents under the tree stolen and given to the local disabled kids hospital. Maggart also kills people for various reasons. This fun, sometimes disturbing horror has a police line-up of Santas, a great ending (including locals carrying flaming torches) and is by far the best killer Santa movie. John Waters once wrote that if he had kids, he’d show this to them every year. And if they didn’t like it, they would be punished. With Jeffrey De Munn, Mark Margolis, Raymond J. Barry and Bill Raymond.

A CHRISTMAS NIGHTMARE See: THE DAMNED (WITHIN THE SHADOWS)

CHROME AND HOT LEATHER (1971 US) D: LEE FROST W: MICHAEL ALLEN HAYNES/DAVID NEIBEL/ DON TAIT P: WES BISHOP Frost made this one for AIP. When a soldier’s fiancée dies in a car wreck, he and some of his buddies (including Marvin Gaye!) go undercover as bikers to root-out the gang responsible. William Smith is the leader of the chopperriding Wizards. Gaye and Co use army tactics and explosives to round them up in the finale. Passable biker action, with some good stuntwork. During a dramatic scene in a bar, on seeing one of his cronies busy playing pinball, Smith says “can’t you see we’re menacing someone?” With Peter Brown, Larry Bishop, Herb Jeffries, Bobby (Monster Mash) Pickett, Robert Ridgely, Cheryl Ladd, Dan Haggerty, Haynes, producer Bishop and apparently (I didn’t spot him) Erik Estrada. [Illus.]

CHROME HEARTS See: CHOPPER CHICKS IN ZOMBIETOWN

CHROME SOLDIERS (1992 US) D: THOMAS J. WRIGHT W: NICK RANDALL/ROSS LA MANNA/JOHN McCORMICK P: DEREK KAVANAGH Nam (and Desert Storm) vet Gary Busey bands a few of his biker buddies (including Yaphet Kotto and Ray Sharkey) together after his brother is killed. William Atherton is the corrupt small-town sheriff trying to keep a dope farm secret. Tame tv movie pretty much wastes three interesting leads. With Nicholas Guest. Wright also co-produced.

C.H.U.D. (1984 US) D: DOUGLAS CHEEK W: DARNELL HALL/SHEPARD ABBOTT P: ANDREW BONIME/ LARRY ABRAMS This seems to have improved with age. Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers are the result of homeless people exposed to toxic waste illegally stowed in the sewers of the city (NYC). Photojournalist John Heard and soup kitchener Daniel Stern are the unlikely heroes. It benefits from better acting and more interesting characters than your usual monster movie, and I like that it takes itself seriously. But it’s a tad too slowly paced, and the weak ending features no monsters. But when FX are seen, they are excellent. Ed French did some of the FX (and was working for Tim Kincaid around the same time). With Kim Greist, Ray Bker, Graham Beckel, Jay Thomas, Frankie Faison, Jon Polito, Bill Raymond, Kelly Nichols and John Goodman. A sequel followed in 1989. Check out DEATH LINE for the definitive underground cannibal horror.

THE CHUPACABRA PROJECT See: LEGEND OF THE CHUPACABRA

THE CHURCH (demons 3; la chiesa) (1988 ITL) D/W: MICHELE SOAVI W/P: DARIO ARGENTO W: FRANCO FERRINI/LAMBERTO BAVA/DARDANO SACCHETTI An ancient cathedral is built over the grave of an entire village that was slaughtered by witch-hunting Teutonic knights (this is seen in the prologue). Fast forward to the present when tourists, kids on a school trip and people on a fashion shoot are trapped inside the sealed cathedral while an evil force causes them to hallucinate and kill each other. The first hour’s build up to the sealing of the cathedral (an element that makes it similar to an entry in the DEMONS series) is terrific, very atmospheric and creepy. But it never really pays off at the end. But it does have some great music (Goblin) and photography, and an old woman saying “have a biscuit, they’re groovy”. Asia Argento plays both a teen girl who lives in the church, and her ancestor. With Tomas Arana, Giovanni Lombardo Radice, John Richardson and Soavi (who later made THE SECT and CEMETERY MAN, also retitled as DEMONS sequels). Apparently IT’S an adaptation of M.R. James’ story The Treasure Of Abbot Thomas (done justice by the BBC back in 1974), but it’s a very, very loose one at best.

C.I.A. SECRET STORY (faccia di spia) (1975 ITL) D/W: GIUSEPPE FERRARA Jumbled, almost mondo-like hodgepodge exposé of secret CIA misdeeds (the Kennedy assassination, Vietnam, military coups etc.) mixes staged dramatic re-enactments and news footage and never stops bouncing around long enough for the viewer to get a sense of any clarity. Any good intentions are negated by pure crowd-pleasing exploitation scenes of torture (simulated, not real). Rape, dismemberment, burnt breasts, eyeball gouged, needle inserted into penis and heated up etc. The overall effect, however, is boredom. Actors play Che and Pinochet. With Mariangela Melato, Francisco Rabal, Dominique Boschero, Lou Castel, Gerard Landry, Umberto Raho and Vittorio Fanfoni. The eerie final shot has blood running down the WTC towers.

CINDERELLA 2000 (1977 US) D/P: AL ADAMSON W: BUD DONNELLY Catherine Erdhart stars as the title character in this endearingly awful Adamson picture. Basically it’s a musical comedy retelling of the classic fairy tale in a sci-fi setting with silly softcore sex scenes added. Incredibly lame beyond description, it features futuristic sets and costumes, robots and grown men dressed as humping rabbits. If you’re in the mood, you might just enjoy its braindamaged sensibilities. My favourite musical number is when a robot sings the country and western flavoured “where do I plug it in?”

CINDERELLA BOY See: NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER

CINDY JO AND THE TEXAS TURNAROUND See: BREAKER! BREAKER!

CINEMAGIC (1985 US) D: JON MOSTOW/JEFFREY BAKER/FRANK KERR/JOHN TAYLOR/DAMON SANTOSTEFANO This four-part horror and sci-fi anthology is hosted by two very unfunny Siskel and Ebert impersonators. “Dr. Dobermind” makes no sense as a young girl sees a psychotic taxidermist everywhere. “Illegal Alien” is a painful attempt at spoofing ALIEN (example of humour: the spaceship has a giant nose on the front, so is called the Nostrilomo). “Night Fright” at least doesn’t try to be funny, but is still crap. A kid has a monster in his closet (Troma did it better). “The Thing In The Basement” features a crash-landed Alien. John Carl Buechler provided FX and appears in this one. Even at only 60 mins, this is one of the most painful tapes I ever had to sit through. Santostefano is responsible for wrapping this all up.

CIRCUIT BREAKER (inhumanoid; visitor space) (1996 US) D/W: VICTORIA MUSPRATT P: DARIN SPILLMAN Parents Corbin Bernsen and Lara Harris are taking their sick little daughter to be treated at a space station medical facility. En route they stop to help a craft in trouble and bring Adam (Richard Grieco) on-board. He turns out to be a psychotic, confused android who kills the little girl, blasts Bernsen into space and wants Harris (who has a topless-on-top sex scene) for himself. It’s mostly told in flashback, before a revenge ending. Not too bad for a DEAD CALM rip-off in space. With Edie McClurg and Ilia Volokh. From the director of the JACKSON COUNTY JAIL (1976) remake MACON COUNTY JAIL (1997). Roger Corman was executive producer.

CIRCUITRY MAN (plughead) (1990 US) D/W: STEVEN LOVY W: ROBERT LOVY P: STEVEN REICH/JOHN SCHOUWEILER In the near future the world has become so polluted that most people live in underground “invorments”. An ex-criminal bodyguard and fashion designer trying to go straight has to go topside when she steals “drug chips” from Plughead (Vernon Wells), a bald villain with jack-in ports to his skull (“why jack-off when you can jack in?”). Jim Meltzer is the hero, a very romantic pleasure droid looking for his girl. It’s not a complete success (the comedy is a little off), but this is way better than most post-nuke sci-fi action movies, and I enjoyed watching it (and Wells’ Plughead is a fun character). With Dennis Christopher (who eats sewer leech soup) and Amy Hill. There was a bad sequel in 1994.

CIRCUS OF HORRORS (phantom of the circus) (1960 UK) D: SIDNEY HAYERS W: GEORGE BAXT P: JULIAN WHITE/LESLIE PARKYN Anton Diffring stars as a brilliant plastic surgeon on the run who restores Donald Pleasance’s little girl’s scarred face, in return for running his circus (!) as a front. He finds scarred, broken women, makes them beautiful and they perform in his big top. If they want to leave, fatal accidents occur. Considered strong stuff at the time, this above average horror melodrama has been eclipsed over the years by Hayers’ other horror film, the truly excellent NIGHT OF THE EAGLE. A double bill would go down fine (CIRCUS first, EAGLE second). With Kenneth Griffith, dwarf Kenny Baker, Walter Gotell, Glyn Houston and Billy Smart’s Circus.

CIRCUS OF TERROR See: BERSERK!

THE CITIZEN REBELS See: STREET LAW

CITIZEN TOXIE: THE TOXIC AVENGER PART 4 (2000 US) D/W/P: LLOYD KAUFMAN W: PATRICK CASSIDY/GABRIEL FRIEDMAN W/P: TRENT HAAGA P: MICHAEL HERZ/SCOTT WILLIAM McKINLAY/ ADAM JAHNKE/MATT LEVIN This begins with an apology for the previous two sequels before proceeding to deliver more of the same overlong Troma overkill that bludgeons any good ideas it may have before you have a chance to enjoy them. Toxie and his sidekick Lardass (Joe Fleishaker) trigger some kind of dimension warp during a massacre at a school for retarded kids. They emerge in an alternate Tromaville full of poverty, villains, drugs and crime while an evil Toxie (and henchman Sgt. Kabukiman) terrorise the citizens of good Tromaville. Ron Jeremy is the mayor and Corey Feldman (!) is barely visible under a false moustache as “Kinky Finkelstein”. With Debbie Rochon, Lemmy, Mark Torgl, James Gunn, Tiffany Shepis, Al Goldstein, Hank the angry drunken dwarf as God, Taylor Meade, Julie Strain and Kevin Eastman, Hugh Hefner, Eli Roth (CABIN FEVER), Will Keenan, Brandi Brandt, Neriah Davis, Devin DeVasquez, Roxanne Michaels, Kaufman, Haaga and an intro voiced by Stan Lee.

CITIZEN X (1995 US) D/W: CHRIS GEROLMO P: TIMOTHY MARX Here’s an excellent and fascinating tv movie dramatisation of the real-life manhunt for notorious Soviet serial killer Andrei Chikatilo. It’s based on Robert Cullen’s fine book The Killer Department and shows how Chikatilo carried on killing for eight years because the Russian government (and an underfunded police force) refused to accept the notion of a serial killer in their country (being instead a symptom of the decadent West). Jeffrey DeMunn is a realistic Chikatilo and Stephen Rea is the dedicated forensic scientist on his trail. With Donald Sutherland, Max von Sydow, Joss Ackland, John Wood, Imelda Staunton and Gerolmo. It was filmed in Budapest, Hungary.

CITY HEAT (1984 US) D: RICHARD BENJAMIN W: “SAM O. BROWN” (BLAKE EDWARDS)/JOSEPH C. STINSON P: FRITZ MANES Someone thought it would be a good idea to put Clint Eastwood and Burt Reynolds together in a 1920s era crime movie. The results are none too engaging. With Jane Alexander, Rip Torn, Madeline Kahn, Irene Cara, Richard Roundtree, Tony Li Bianco, Robert Davi, William Sanderson, Nicholas Worth, Art La Fleur, Jack Nance, Carey Loftin, Jack Thibeau, Hamilton Camp, Beau Starr and Joan Shawlee.

CITY HUNTER (shing shut lip yan; cheng shi lie ren) (1993 HK) D/W: WONG JING P: ROBERT CHUA LAM This adaption of a popular animated series from Japan is one of Jackie Chan’s worst. He’s a private investigator searching for Kumiko Goto on a luxury cruise liner. With Chingmay Yau, Joey Wang, Richard Norton, Gary Daniels, Leon Lai Ming, Eric Kot Man Fai and Michael Wong Man Tak. Chan appears in drag for a Streetfighter II inspired scene and he hallucinates that Yau’s legs and breasts become a chicken leg and hamburgers. Not very funny and the action scenes are nothing you haven’t seen before. Some homophobic humour was cut out of the video releases abroad.

CITY IN FEAR (panic on page one) (1980 US) D: “ALLAN SMITHEE” (JUD TAYLOR) W: ALBERT RUBEN/ PETER MASTERSON P: RONALD LYON LA supermarket worker Mickey Rourke shoots blondes with his revolver. Robert Vaughn needs to save a newspaper from folding, so hires retired writer David Janssen to write a sensational (irresponsible) column about the murders to boost sales. This very long (130 mins+) and preachy tv movie is more about the morals of the media than crime or suspense. With Susan Sullivan, William Prince, Perry King, William Daniels, M. Emmett Walsh, Pepe Serna, Lane Smith and a young Mary Stuart Masterson as Vaughan’s daughter. Writer Masterson was also executive producer. Daniels was the voice of KITT on KNIGHT RIDER.

CITY LIMITS (1984 US) D/W: AARON LIPSTADT W: DON OPPER/JAMES REIGLE P: RUPERT HARVEY/ BARRY OPPER Teen biker gangs noodle around without much of a plot to guide them in this awful futuristic post-plague sci-fi “action” (yeah, right) movie, not at all what people expected from the makers of ANDROID. With writer Opper, Kim Catrall, Rae Dawn Chong, James Earl Jones (narrator), John Diehl, Tony Plana, Norbert Weisser, Kane Hodder and Dean Devlin. The Oppers later got involved with the CRITTERS series.

CITY OF FEAR (mission: must die) (2000 CAN UK BUL) D: MARK ROPER W: “PETER WELBECK” (HARRY ALAN TOWERS) P: DANNY LERNER/DAVID VAROD I never expect much from a Gary Daniels vehicle, but think that there will at least be some mindless action. There’s minimal martial arts and one car crash in this catatonic thriller about American reporter Daniels investigating the death of his best friend, a research scientist in Sofia, Bulgaria (made out to be a dangerous and corrupt place). Turns out to be something to do with a new highly addictive drug, but you will have changed channels (or dozed off) way before that point. With Carol Campbell, Meglena Karalamboua and Bashar Rahal. Crafty raconteur, mogul extraordinaire Towers was also executive producer.

THE CITY OF LOST CHILDREN (la cité des enfants perdus) (1995 FRA SPN GER) D/W: JEAN-PIERRE JEUNET/MARC CARO W: GILLES ADRIEN P: CLAUDE OSSARD The people who made DELICATESSEN returned with this much more impressive and visually stunning fantasy. Daniel Emilfork steals the dreams of children. He also speaks to his uncle’s talking brain (the voice of Jean-Louis Trinignant) and has six identical brothers (all Dominique Pinion). Ron Perlman is a strongman who’s looking for his kidnapped little brother, aided by little Judith Vittete. There’s loads of amazing scenes, including evil Santas and a spectacular chain of events set off by a drop of water. The cinematography is by Darius Khondji and costumes were provided by Jean-Paul Gautier. With Jean-Claude Dreyfus and Caro. Jeunet went solo for Hollywood next, resulting in the wacky ALIEN: RESSURECTION.

THE CITY OF LOST SOULS See: THE HAZARD CITY

THE CITY OF THE DEAD See: HORROR HOTEL

CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD (the gates of hell; paura nella citta dei morti viventi) (1980 ITL) D/W/P: LUCIO FULCI W: DARDANO SACCHETTI P: GIOVANNI MASANI After a priest hangs himself, the dead come back to life and kill (by ripping brains out of people’s heads) in the town of Dunwich. Catrina MacColl is a medium who experiences death (she’s almost buried alive) and has a premonition of the gory events, due to the gates of Hell opening on Earth. Christopher George is a newspaper reporter who helps her, and Fulci regular Giovanni Lombardo Radice (aka John Morghen) is the weird local who everyone blames (and gets a drill through the head). A fun atmospheric horror that features tears of blood, a woman throwing up her intestines (great scene), a blizzard of maggots and lots of close-ups of eyes. However, some bad dialogue and a rushed-looking, confusing ending (with inappropriate music) bring it down a few notches. Not among Fulci’s best, but entertaining enough. With Michele Soavi, Daniela Doria, Valentiono Venantini, Luciano Rossi, Robert Sampson, Janet Agren and Fulci himself (in the usual cameo). The photography is by Sergio Salvati.

CITY OF THE WALKING DEAD (nightmare city; nightmare; la invasion de los zombies atomicos; incubo sulla citta contaminata) (1980 ITL SPN) D: UMBERTO LENZI W: PIERO REGNOLI/ANTONIO CORTI/ LUIS MARIA DELGADO P: DIEGO ALCHIMEDE/LUIS MENDEZ A plane load of zombies created by nuclear waste arrives on an airstrip outside some European city. These zombies are smart, can use weapons, like guns and knives, and move quickly. They soon take over the city and attack an aerobics class (best bit). The makeup is patchy, and there’s some gore. Hugo Stiglitz stars as a tv reporter trying to stay alive and Mel Ferrer is a General (who says “aim for the brain”). It’s one of the more disappointing Euro zombie films of the period to have gained an undeserved cult following. A few scattered Eurotrash moments of delirium, but not enough. With Francisco Rabal, Eduardo Fajardo, Manuel Zarzo, Tom Felleghy, Antonio Myans and Lenzi. Stelvio Ciprani provides the score.

THE CITY OF VIOLENCE (jiakpae) (2006 S.KOR) D/W/P: SEUNG-WAN RYOO W/P: JEONG-MIN KIM W: WON-JAE LEE P: HYE-JEONG KIM Seoul cop Jung Doo-hong (also in the director’s NO BLOOD, NO TEARS and ARAHAN) returns to his economically depressed home town of Onsung after a childhood friend dies. He discovers that he was murdered by another member of their old gang (Lee Beom-su) over a land deal to build a casino. Another buddy (played by the director) joins him for revenge in the cool, stylised and extremely violent, extended Shaw Bros-meetsspaghetti western showdown finale (obviously inspired by the success of KILL BILL, but is far better, more dynamic action cinema). Sometimes I would have liked the editing and camerawork to have slowed a little to show more actual contact, but that’s a minor quibble. This is hi-octane martial arts revenge action set to a pumping soundtrack, and you should have a great time. In one scene (which I wish was longer) you get breakdance and BMX fighters, and what appears to be a gang mimicking the iconic baseball uniform wearing gang from THE WARRIORS!

CITY ON FIRE (lung foo fung wan; long hu feng yun) (1987 HK) D/P: RINGO LAM W: TOMMY SHAM SAI-SANG One of Lam’s most well-known films stars Chow Yun Fat as an undercover cop getting emotionally involved with his quarry Danny Lee. It works both as drama and exciting action thriller. With Roy Cheung, Suen Yuet, Carrie Ng, Lau Kong, Elvis Tsui, Maria Cordero, Fong Yau and a Mexican standoff ending that was borrowed (along with some plot elements) by Quentin Tarantino for his RESERVOIR DOGS.

THE CLAIRVOYANT (evil mind) (1934 UK) D: MAURICE ELVEY W: CHARLES BENNETT/BRYAN EDGAR WALLACE P: MICHAEL BALCON Claude Rains is a hustler fortune-teller who discovers his powers are genuine and that he can foresee disasters in this very good, forgotten b/w chiller, based on The Medium by Ernst Lothar. Fay Wray looks just fine. With Mary Clare, C. Denier Warren, Felix Aylmer, Donald Calthrop and Jack Raine.

CLAN OF THE WHITE LOTUS See: FISTS OF THE WHITE LOTUS

CLASH OF THE TITANS (1981 US) D: DESMOND DAVIS W: BEVERLEY CROSS P: RAY HARRYHAUSEN/ CHARLES H. SCHNEER Harry Hamlin stars as the demi-god Perseus, son of Zeus (Laurence Olivier), in this somewhat jumbled but relatively authentic take on the Greek legends (with a bit of Shakespeare and Norse mythology mixed in). Bickering Olympian gods (including Maggie Smith as Thetis) sets the legend in motion. In order to win the hand of the beautiful Andromeda (Judi Bowker), Perseus must slay the gorgon Medusa (the coolest monster here), and then the sea monster Kraken (not a giant octopus). Neil McCarthy is Calibos (a mutation based on a character from The Tempest, and resembling The Daemons from Doctor Who). Other work from Harryhausen (1920–2013; sadly, this was the last film that he worked on) includes a two-, not three-, headed hell-hound, giant scorpions, Pegasus the flying horse and an ill-fitting STAR WARS-inspired cute mechanical owl. With Ursula Andress as Aphrodite, Jack Gwillim as Poseidon, Burgess Meredith as a poet, Claire Bloom, Sian Phillips, Donald Houston, Susan Fleetwood, Pat Roach as Hephaestus, Tim Pigott-Smith, Fred Wood, and Flora Robson, in her last role, as one of a trio of blind witches. The beautiful locations are in Andalucia, Italy and Malta, and Jim Danfoth worked under Harryhausen on the FX (it has to be said that Blu-ray has not been kind to some of these). This fantasy epic does have its moments, and is worth a look, but there is no denying that it feels a little tired and out of date, this type of fare having peaked a couple of decades earlier with the likes of JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS (also by Harryhausen, Cross and Schneer). And why did Davis get the directing gig anyway (he does a reasonable job, but fantasy was far from his forte)? A high-profile 2010 remake used this movie’s story as a template, and then veered even further off the track (are the original archetypes not exciting enough for Hollywood?), and replaced the Harryhausen work with the expected, faceless modern CGI (and it was pretty boring). It spawned the even worse sequel WRATH OF THE TITANS (2012), guaranteed to make a scholar of the original legends livid! Often overlooked is the earlier movie PERSEUS AGAINST THE MONSTERS (1962), that starred Richard Harrison years before his ninja period.

CLASS OF 1984 (1982 CAN) D/W: MARK L. LESTER W: JOHN SAXTON/TOM HOLLAND P: ARTHUR KENT Perry King is the new music teacher at a violent Chicago high school where the students terrorise the staff, including biology teacher Roddy McDowall. When a gang of the little bastards gang-rape his pregnant wife, this turns into an exciting, violent revenge action exploitation classic. With Timothy Van Patten, Michael J. Fox and Al Waxman. Followed by the almost as good CLASS OF 1999.

CLASS OF 1999 (1989 US) D/W/P: MARK L. LESTER W: C. COURTNEY JOYNER/BRADLEY GREGG/JOHN SHIPP (uncredited) Lester followed his CLASS OF 1984 with another exploitation classic. Gang activity in schools has become so rampant by the year 1999 that police refuse to enter them and there is no law. Stacy Keach (with long white hair and albino eyes) is the villainous head of the Megatech corporation who’ve made teachers out of military androids. Malcolm McDowell is the headmaster of the school where three androids (Pam Grier, John P. Ryan and Patrick Kilpatrick) are assigned. A teen hero fights back when the teachers start killing students. Grier, Ryan and Kilpatrick are lots of fun and this violent action sci-fi is really exciting, especially the excellent finale. With Joshua Miller, Lee Arenberg and Billy Drago’s lookalike son Darren E. Burrows. Joyner directed LURKING FEAR.

CLASS OF 1999 2: THE SUBSTITUTE (1993 US) D: SPIRO RAZATOS W: MARK SEVI P: RUSSELL D. MARKOWITZ In this cheap sequel, out-of-control students are threatening the life of Nick Cassavetes’ teacher girlfriend who witnessed a murder. Sasha Mitchell appears to be the last of the killer cyborg teachers who poses as a substitute to complete his “mission”. Lots of punk kids are killed, some guy tracks Mitchell (and provides reused footage from the original in flashback) and it all culminates at a paintball competition in the woods. With barcode car licence plates, bad wisecracks and lots of acting stuntmen. Some ridiculous surprise endings round out a pretty lousy vid.

CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH (1986 US) D/W: RICHARD HAINES D/W/P: LLOYD KAUFMAN W: MARK RUDNITSKY/STUART STRUTIN After THE TOXIC AVENGER movies, the CLASS series are probably the most well known Troma releases. An unsafe nuclear power plant causes radioactive marijuana plants to grow near a high school. Students toke it up and a girl gives birth to an atomic mutant. The usual stupid Troma overkill comedy with sex and toilet jokes. With R.L. (or Pat) Ryan (from EAT AND RUN) and Robert Pritchard (1991’s THRILL KILL VIDEO CLUB). It’s marginally more tolerable than the sequels.

CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH PART 2: SUBHUMANOID MELTDOWN (1991 US) D/W: ERIC LOUZIL W: CARL MORANO/MARCUS ROLLINS/MATT UNGER/ JEFFREY W. SASS W/P: LLOYD KAUFMAN P: MICHAEL HERZ The school from the original is turned into a College and Institute of Technology. A corrupt, powerful company takes over the nearby nuclear plant and replaces all the blue-collar staff with genetically engineered workers. A horny, muscular Troma Times reporter (Brick Bronsky) investigates. Headache-inducing, unfunny Troma overkill, spoofs TWIN PEAKS and is filled with action and FX that range from pathetic to very good (Brett Piper did some of the better stop-motion stuff). With a giant squirrel taking a piss against a reactor, a cameo from the Toxic Avenger and a poster for TROMA’S WAR. Kaufman also wrote the theme song. It makes the first entry seem good.

CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH 3: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SUBHUMANOID (1994 US) D/W: ERIC LOUZIL W/P: LLOYD KAUFMAN W: STEPHEN GERARD/CARL MORANO/MARK F. ROLING/JEFFREY W. SASS/MATT UNGER P: MICHAEL HERZ Brick Bronsky returns as the same character and his fully grown half-subhumanoid son hero in this sequel that I guess was shot back to back with part two. Some decent FX work from the underappreciated Brett Piper is lost amongst the usual overkill crap. Ron Jeremy has a part. Thank god that a fourth part never materialised.

CLASS REUNION MASSACRE See: THE REDEEMER

CLAWS (1977 US) D: RICHARD BANSBACH/ROBERT E. PIERSON W/P: CHUCK D. KEEN W: BRIAN RUSSELL Awful and boring rip-off of William Girdler’s GRIZZLY (from the previous year) has a demonic bear terrorising tourists at a national park in Alaska. There is a LOT of stock nature footage and flashbacks. Jason Evers, Anthony Caruso, Leon Ames and Myron Healy are in the cast, with Captain Nemo and his all-girl band.

CLAWS OF STEEL See: LAST HERO IN CHINA

CLAY PIGEONS (moonlight drive; in too deep; lebende ziele) (1998 US GER) D: DAVID DOBKIN W: MATT HEALY P: CHRIS ZARPAS/RIDLEY SCOTT Joaquin Phoenix is fucking another man’s wife (Georgina Cates), so the husband commits suicide to frame him! Phoenix disposes of the body, but soon enough there’s another one. Vince Vaughn is a cheerful cowboy-look drifter who befriends him. More bodies show up and this twisty thriller gets pretty interesting. It has a nice strain of humour, good acting, first-class photography and style to burn BUT runs out of steam and splutters to a halt. Shame. It’s set in a small Utah town where Scott Wilson is sheriff. With Janene Garofalo as a federal agent, Joseph D. Reitman and clips from ALIEN and LASSIE. Tony Scott was an executive producer.

CLAYTON AND CATHERINE See: CHINA 9, LIBERTY 37

CLAYTON DRUMM See: CHINA 9, LIBERTY 37

THE CLEANER (1994) See: LEON

CLEANER (2007 US) D: RENNY HARLIN W: MATTHEW ALDRICH P: ALIX MADIGAN-YORKIN/LATI GROBMAN/MICHAEL P. FLANNIGAN/STEVE GOLIN/ AVI LERNER/SAMUEL L. JACKSON Jackson stars as a single parent crime scene cleaner (and ex-cop) who discovers that his services were used to coverup a murder with damning implications for the Louisiana police department. Keke Palmer is his daughter. Eva Mendes and Ed Harris co-star, with Luis Guzman and a bit from Robert Forster. Starts off vaguely intriguing, and Jackson and Harris are just fine, but ends up generic and ho-hum. With José Pablo Cantillo and Marc Macaulay.

CLEAN, SHAVEN (1993 US) D/W/P: LODGE H. KERRIGAN This excellent do-it-all independent feature is a very disturbing and realistic look at extreme schizophrenia. Peter Greene gives a great performance as a possible child molester searching for his daughter. Intense scenes have Greene imagining voices and the sound of electricity in his head and violently trying to scrub himself clean. Don’t miss it.

CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER (1994 US) D: PHILIP NOYCE W: JOHN MILIUS/DONALD STEWART/ STEVEN ZAILLAN P: MACE NEUFELD/ROBERT G. REHME Harrison Ford returns as Tom Clancy’s CIA analyst Jack Ryan (from PATRIOT GAMES). Things kick-off when President Donald Moffat’s friend is assassinated on his yacht by Colombian drug-dealers. Congress illegally funds a black-ops operation (led by Willem Dafoe) to take down cartel lord Miguel Sandoval as retaliation. “Boy scout” Ryan sorts out the mess and cleans house in this political action adventure movie shot in Mexico. Regardless of your politics, it’s a more enjoyable yarn than the previous PATRIOT GAMES. With Anne Archer, little Thora Birch, Harris Yulin, James Eral Jones, Anne Magnuson, Henry Czerny, Dean Jones, Hope Lange, Benjamin Bratt, Joaquim de Almeide, Raymond Cruz, Jorge Luke, Ted Raimi, Vondie Curtis-Hall, Rex Linn, Ken Howard, John Putch, Patrick Bauchau, Juan Carlos Colombo, Blanca Guerra, Kevin Cooney, Aaron Lustig and Tom Bower. Ben Affleck took over the role of Ryan for THE SUM OF ALL FEARS.

THE CLEARING (2003 US GER) D/W/P: PIETER JAN BRUGGE W: JUSTIN HAYTHE P: JONAH SMITH/ PALMER WEST Willem Dafoe kidnaps successful businessman Robert Redford from outside his home and leads him at gunpoint through some woods to a rendezvous point. They talk a lot and bond while his wife (Helen Mirren) and grown-up kids talk a lot with FBI agent Matt Craven. More of a slow-burning character piece about how relationships change over the years, but that shouldn’t excuse this drama/ thriller from being thoroughly dull and unengaging. Apparently it’s based on real events that happened in Holland. With Alessandro Nivola, Melisa Sagemiller, Wendy Crewson, Larry Pine and Diana Scarwid.

CLEMENTINE (2004 S.KOR US) D: DU-YEONG KIM W: HYE-RIM EUN P: MARK HICKS Hot-headed single parent cop and taekwondo champion Dong-Jun Lee gets fired for police brutality. In order to make ends meet he becomes an illegal underground fighter for gangsters. After lots of heavy drama involving a thought-dead wife fighting for custody of his little girl (the talented young actress from PHONE), the daughter is eventually kidnapped so he has to throw a fight in LA. His opponent turns out to be Steven Seagal! Clichéd, overbaked, underwhelming horseshit. Lee and Seagal are both far too old to be playing taekwondo world champions, too. With Ju-Bong Gi, Ho Lim and Hyeok Pil-Lim (from GALGALI FAMILY AND DRACULA). From the director of JUGEULRAE SALRAE (2003).

CLEOPATRA JONES (1973 US) D: JACK STARRETT W: MAX JULIEN/SHELDON KELLER P: WILLIAM TENNANT The martial arts fighting “whole lotta woman” Cleopatra Jones (Tamara Dobson) pissesoff drug-trafficker “Mommy” (Shelley Winters in a series of different coloured wigs) by burning her poppy fields in Turkey. The conflict continues on the streets of LA in this very light (and mostly boring) black action hit. The best thing about it is Antonio Fargas as Doodlebug, a cocky underling of Winters’ who decides to branch out on his own (and has a white chauffeur to make fun of). With Bernie Casey, Bill McKinney, Paul Koslo, Joe Tornatore, Eugene Jackson (who used to be a black child star in vaudeville) and Don Cornelius (who hosted the tv music show Soul Train). Screenwriter Julien was the star of THE MACK (he also co-produced this).

CLEOPATRA JONES AND THE CASINO OF GOLD (nu jin gang dou kuang long su) (1975 US HK) D: CHUCK BAIL W/P: WILLIAM TENNANT P: RUN RUN SHAW Tamara Dobson returns to bust-up more drug rings in this co-production filmed in Hong Kong and Macau. Cute Tanny (from BLACK MAGIC) helps her take down Stella Stevens’ casino front, and Chan Shen (familiar to kung fu fanatics) has a part. With Norman Fell as Dobson’s clichéd angry boss. Nothing special but an improvement on the original with more action. Bail had previously helmed BLACK SAMSON (1974).

CLIFFHANGER (1993 US) D/P: RENNY HARLIN W: MICHAEL FRANCE/SYLVESTER STALLONE/JOHN LONG P: ALAN MARSHALL Stallone is a traumatised ex-mountain rescue climber hired to track Treasury Department robbers led by John Lithgow after their getaway plane crashes in the Rockies. It’s loud and dumb and in one scene Stallone races a helicopter to a mountain peak on foot and gets there first (!), but I guess it delivers some action and thrills. With Michael Rooker, Janine Turner, Paul Winfield, Ralph Waite, Rex Linn, Bruce McGill, Craig Fairbrass, Caroline Goodall, Max Perlich, Leon, Zach Grenier, Don S. Davis and John Finn.

CLINCH See: HOT TIMES

CLOCK See: THE HOUSE OF CLOCKS

CLOCKSTOPPERS (2002 US) D: JONATHAN FRAKES W: ROB HEDDEN/J. DAVID STERN/DAVID N. WEISS/ ANDY HEDDEN P: GALE ANN HURD/JULIA PISTOR Jesse Bradford is a (very mature looking) high school kid who gets his hands on his scientist dad’s experimental watch that can accelerate human molecules making it seem that everything else has frozen in time. Paula Garces is the Venezuelan high school transfer girlfriend who helps him foil villains led by Michael Biehn who want to get their hands on the watch. Black friend Garikayi Mutambirwa plays at a turntablist contest. Nickelodeon backed this expensive-looking but prefabricated and hollow seeming teen appeal fantasy adventure. With French Stewart, Robin Thomas, Julia Sweeney, Miko Hughes, Ken Jenkins, Scott Thompson and Frakes (Star Trek: The Next Generation).

A CLOCKWORK ORANGE (1971 UK) D/W/P: STANLEY KUBRICK Based on Anthony Burgess’ excellent, innovative and prophetic novel, Kubrick’s interesting yet overrated cult favourite was pulled from release in the UK (where it is set) until after his death (Kubrick himself made it unavailable due to controversy on its original release). As you probably know, Malcolm McDowell (who’s very good) is the young Beethoven-loving Alex in the near future, who hangs out at a milk bar and commits acts of rape and ultraviolence with his droogs (friends). When he’s caught and institutionalised, he becomes the victim of a broken-down society and the people he had previously wronged. Burgess’ original compelling themes of the right to choose between good or evil are oversimplified in the midst of the (admittedly well done) stylish set pieces. With Patrick Magee (a fine, underrated actor), Warren Clarke, Steven Berkoff and a pre-STAR WARS David Prowse. Walter (later Wendy) Carlos provided the synthesiser element of the soundtrack (an element that proved highly influential on young musicians who later formed the core of the late-70s/early 80s synth-pop movement. The film as a whole seemed to speak to the suedeheads and upcoming punk generation). A forgotten Andy Warhol adaptation of the same book is VINYL from 1965.

CLONE See: IMPOSTOR

THE CLONE RETURNS HOME (clone wa kokyo o mezasu) (2008 JPN) D/W: KANJI NAKAJIMA P: KIYOSHI INOUE/RIE YAMAMOTO/YOSHIAKI TAGO Mitsuhiro Oikawa stars as some kind of astronaut who agrees to have himself cloned, in case of his death during a risky space mission. Kyusaku Shimada is the unsympathetic seeming corporate scientist overseeing the experiment. Hiromi Nagasaku is surprisingly good as the “widow”. Flashbacks to when Oikawa lost his twin brother as a child (Eri Ishida is the mother) offer clues in this measured, deliberately paced and ambiguous sci-fi tinged puzzlebox drama. Actually an extraordinary film, as simple or as complicated as you want it to be. Viewers who demand dynamism, clarity and closure will find it infuriating. I think it’s excellent. With Toru Shinagawa. Wim Wenders was executive producer.

CLONES See: SURROGATES

THE CLONES OF BRUCE LEE (sahyeongsamgeol) (1981 S.KOR) D: “JOSEPH KONG” (NAM KI-NAM) P: HAN SANG HUN/DICK RANDALL This poor excuse for a kung fu movie has one thing going for it. Sheer idiotic audacity. A scientist extracts blood from the recently deceased Bruce Lee and uses it to create three clones under his command (they are played by Bruce Le, Dragon Lee and Bruce Lai). Only one of them remotely resembles Lee. The government uses them to prevent a gold smuggling operation working out of a movie studio front. Then they’re sent to Bangkok to stop “a brilliant scientist… but quite mad”. In fact the evil Dr. Nye has been injecting human guinea pigs with a solution that turns them metal?! This is the best part of the film, with the three Bruces facing off against bronze-painted extras who make clanging noises every time they’re hit! Hilarious!! It ends with our three (non-) Leealikes having to battle their own creator and a fourth evil Bruce (Bruce Thai, I think). Hardly recommended viewing, but potentially enjoyable if you’re in the right mood. With Bolo Yeung (from genuine Lee movie ENTER THE DRAGON) and some unrelated nudity.

THE CLONUS HORROR See: PARTS: THE CLONUS HORROR

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE SPOOKY KIND See: ENCOUNTERS OF THE SPOOKY KIND

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE SPOOKY KIND 2 See: SPOOKY ENCOUNTERS

CLOSER See: SO CLOSE

THE CLOSET See: CREEPTALES

THE CLOWN (1996 GER) D/W: HERMANN JOHA W: CLAUDE CUENI After his partner/best friend is killed by drug-dealers, an ex-military cop fights crime in a clown mask and gives stolen money to charities. The villains sell crack candy at schools in this ridiculous, action-packed tv movie, The wisecracks and dubbing are awful, but some over-the-top stunts are impressive. At one point someone refers to PULP FICTION, saying, “have you seen that new film?” and Dick Dale’s Misirlou is heard. But the rest of the soundtrack is horrible (R.E.M., for example). It’s all pretty boring really, but for some reason I don’t want to criticise it too much (I had the same problem with CASCADEUR, another bad German action movie made by American action movie fans). With Sven Martinek, Diana Frank, Volkmar Kleinert, Hanns Zischler, Marcus Knufken, Olivier Korittke and Mark Zak. A “sequel” was compiled from episodes of a DER CLOWN tv series.

THE CLUB (wu ting; miu teng) (1981 HK) D: CHEKIRK WONG W: TAM TIN-NAM P: RICHARD CHEUNG Michael Chan stars as a (Triad?) enforcer caught in a skirmish between his boss Fong Yau, and rival club owners who want his place. Disputes over a Japanese hostess and her “debt” escalate matters. Overrated by many, this is still a gritty rough-edged gangster action movie that should entertain genre fans. One character is killed by thugs wielding outboard motors! With Nomran Chu, Phillip Ko Fei, Wilson Tong, Kent Cheng, Kwan Yung-Moon, Tai Bo and Gam Biu. Ivan Lai was the assistant director, and David Wu Dai-Wai was the editor. Wong followed up his debut with the laughable FLASH FUTURE KUNG FU. Apparently, Chan, a regular in 70s kung fu flicks, and still working today really was a former Triad.

THE CLUB (prom night 5) (1993 CAN) D: BRENTON SPENCER W: ROBERT C. COOPER P: ILANA FRANK During a senior prom held in an old mansion, all the guests seem to disappear, apart from a handful that includes Andrea Roth (CROSSWORLDS), Matthew Ferguson and some kid who turns out to be a wisecracking demon, He tries to get them to join the age-old “Suicide Club” which has a book listing all of its members. It’s pretty silly stuff with too much comedy and a dumb wink-at-the-audience ending.

CLUB DEAD See: TERROR AT RED WOLF INN

CLUB DREAD (2004 US) D/W: JAY CHANDRASEKHAR W: KEVIN HEFFERMAN/STEVE LEMME/ PAUL SOTER/ERIC STOLHANSKE P: RICHARD PERELLO The staff at a secluded island club med resort are being killed off in this horror spoof from Broken Lizard, the comedy team behind SUPER TROOPERS. It falls flat on its ass most of the time, but is still preferable to any of the SCARY MOVIE entries. Bill Paxton is Coconut Pete, one of many potentially funny ideas that don’t cut it. With Chandrasekhar, Hefferman, Lemme, Soter, Stolhanske, Elena Lyons, Dan Montgomery Jr., Tanja Reichert, Nat Faxon, Michael Weaver, Jordan Ladd, Brittany Daniel, Lindsay Price, Greg Cipes, M.C. Gainey and Samm Levine.

CLUE (1985 US) D/W: JONATHAN LYNN W: JOHN LANDIS P: DEBRA HILL Flop mystery comedy based on the popular board game of that name (or, Cluedo in the UK) is a pretty silly farce that is never too funny, but a must for Tim Curry fans. He is the butler who figures out all the possible suspects when murders start to occur at a big old house where several unexpected visitors have turned up seeking shelter. With Madeline Kahn, Michael McKean, Eileen Brennan, Lesley Ann Warren, Colleen Camp, Martin Mull, Howard Hesseman, Lee Ving and Jane Wiedlin from The Go-Gos. In theatres they only showed one of three different endings, but on tv and video they show all of them, which is not a bad gimmick. Landis was also an executive producer.

THE CLUTCHING HAND See: THE AMAZING EXPLOITS OF THE CLUTCHING HAND

CLUTCH OF POWER (sonz of wu tang; diy wan; dao hun) (1977 HK) D: CHANG PENG YI W: KU LUNG Mang Fei stars as a young sword fighter who must save China from traitors by retrieving a stolen document. Leung Kar Yan (who choreographed the action along with Jen Shi Huan) turns up for a while. Decent kung fu entertainment with some noticeably bizarre touches (like metal skin technique), but being stabbed to death with a bunch of flowers was a bit much. From the sometimes inspired director of SHAOLIN KUNG FU MYSTAGOGUE. With Phillip Ko Fei, Doris Lung, Chan Sing, Lily Li, Wong Goon Hung, Yen Shi-Kwan and Liu Ping.

COBRA (1986 US) D: GEORGE P. COSMATOS W: SYLVESTER STALLONE P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS Stallone is a tough, violent (of course) LA cop who protects Brigitte Nielsen (his wife at the time) from a gang of axe killers led by deranged Brian Thompson. Stallone constantly chews on a tooothpick and has a turbo boost on his car. It’s not very good and failed at the box office. The precredit sequence and the opening scene copy MAGNUM FORCE, and elements from 10 TO MIDNIGHT and TEXAS CHAIN SAW are reused. With Andrew Robinson, Reni Santoni, Val Avery, Art Le Fleur, Lee Garlington and David Rasche. Cosmatos directed Stallone in the hit RAMBO. Sly and Brigitte split up in 87. From Cannon. Based on Paula Gosling’s novel Fair Game, later filmed under that tile in 1995.

COBRA MISSION (operation ’nam; operation overthrow; power play; a state of shock; cinque uomini contro tutti) (1985 ITL W.GER) D/W: “LARRY LUDMAN” (FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS) W: “V.J. KLEMEN” (GIANFRANCO CLERICI)/EDWIN C. DIETRICH Ten years after the end of the war, a bunch of ’nam vets led by Christopher Connelly, go back to rescue American POWs. Yet another retread of the same old patriotic gung-ho story, this is a little better than most, concentrating more on the tactics of the American government to cover-up their knowledge of POWs as opposed to anti-Asiatic sentiments. Stellar exploitation cast, too: Ethan Wayne, John Steiner, “Alan Collins” (Luciano Pigozzi), Donald Pleasence, Oliver Tobias, Gordon Mitchell, Enzo G. Castellari, Manfred Lehmann and Ennio Girolami. A sequel followed in 1989.

COBRA THUNDERBOLT (1987 THAI) D/W: TANONG SRICHUA P: SOMSAK TECHARATANAPRASERT Bald, wheelchair-bound Commander Dave has built an armoured battle tank. Some arms dealers want it, so kidnap his wife and daughter. Imprisoned hero Sorapong Chatree escapes during city work detail to help. There’s a car chase, lots of explosions, use of a jet pack and some kind of unspecified war going on in this ultra-boring bonehead action obscurity. The Japanese VHS I picked up was dubbed in English (and widescreen!).

COBRA VERDE (slave coast) (1987 W.GER GHA) D/W: WERNER HERZOG P: LUCKI STIPETIC In the fifth and final Herzog/Klaus Kinski collaboration (unless you count the later documentary MY BEST FIEND), Kinski stars as Francisco Manoel da Silva, a 19th century Brazilian bandit sent to Africa (Dahomey) as punishment by slave-traders who want to see the back of him. But the man manages to temporarily restart the slave trade (at a time when it was increasingly illegal), while getting involved in local tribal politics and uprisings. He leads an army of topless amazon warriors (with whom he fathers 62 children). It doesn’t quite reach the hypnotic heights of the earlier films, like AGUIRRE, but it’s a nonetheless fascinating (and somewhat loose) adaptation of Bruce Chatwin’s remarkable semifictitious novel The Viceroy Of Ouidah (itself based somewhat on the exploits of the real Francisco Felix de Sousa in West Africa). With King Nane Agyefi Kwame II, and the music of Popul Vuh. Shot in Brazil, Colombia and Ghana.

COCAINE See: MIXED BLOOD

THE COCAINE FIENDS (the pace that kills) (1935 US) D: WILLIAM O’CONNOR/NORTON S. PARKER P: WILLIS KENT Lois January is a small-town roadside waitress who’s tricked by the devious Noel Madison into taking his “headache powder” and running away to the city where she’s turned into a desperate junky who hangs out at the Dead Rat café. Her brother is also in the city working and looking for her, but he also becomes a “hophead” (“I gotta have dope. I’d sell my soul for just one shot”). After REEFER MADNESS, this is probably the most famous and widely seen vintage anti-drug movie. Unlike that camp favourite, however, this is an altogether more depressing (and typical) roadshow feature. With Sheila Bromly, Charles Delancey, Eddie Phillips, Frank Shannon, Fay Holden, Mary Gordon, Marin Sais and Dick Botiller. The same story had been filmed in 1928 as THE PACE THAT KILLS.

COCKFIGHTER (born to kill) (1974 US) D: MONTE HELLMAN W: CHARLES WILLEFORD P: ROGER CORMAN Warren Oates is outstanding as a cock-fighter who has taken a vow of silence (though we hear his narration) until he wins the coveted Cockfighter of the Year award. The episodic, almost docudrama road to this goal is pretty much the plot of this difficult to classify cult classic, maybe Hellman’s best (which is saying a lot). It’s based on the (also brilliant) novel by Willeford (who has an important acting role, and is pretty good). Actors Richard B. Shull, Harry Dean Stanton, Laurie Bird (from TWO LANE BLACKTOP), Millie Perkins, Troy Donahue, young Ed Begley Jr. and Steve Railsback work in amongst genuine Southern cockfighters and fans (it was shot in Georgia by Nestor Alemandros). Michael Franks provides a simple but effective score. Corman’s original (misleading but hilarious) tagline was “He came into town with his cock in his hand, and what he did with it was illegal in 49 states”! For the BORN TO KILL rerelease he had Joe Dante edit in car crash and sex scenes from NIGHT CALL NURSES (current dvd versions don’t include these). Willeford was not adapted for the screen again until the posthumous MIAMI BLUES. Because of animal cruelty laws, the classic COCKFIGHTER is still illegal in the UK.

COCOON (1985 US) D: RON HOWARD W: TOM BENEDEK P: DAVID BROWN/LILI FINI ZANUCK/ RICHARD D. ZANUCK Horribly sentimental family sci-fi, based on Davis Saperstein’s novel, has a bunch of old coffin-dodgers (like Jessica Tandy, Don Ameche and Wilford Brimley) bathing in a swimming pool that contains alien cocoons. The old folks gain boundless energy, resulting in an unfortunate breakdancing scene. But the energy they use leaves the aliens weak and they all board an alien spacecraft at the end. With Hume Cronyn, Gwen Verdon, Maureen Stapleton, Steve Guttenberg, Clint Howard, Linda Harrison and Rance Howard (Clint and Ron’s father). The ILM FX won an Oscar.

COCOON: THE RETURN (1988 US) D: DANIEL PETRIE W: STEPHEN McPHERSON/ELIZABETH BRADLEY P: DAVID BROWN/LILI FINI ZANUCK/RICHARD D. ZANUCK As if the original wasn’t a bad enough idea, the old codgers return from space in an even worse sequel. Cronyn, Tandy, Ameche, Brimley, Stapleton, Gilford, Harrison, Oliver, Verdon, Guttenberg, Power Jr. and Denchy are back, with Elaine Stritch and Courtney Cox.

CODE NAME: DIAMOND HEAD (1977 US) D: JEANNOT SZWARC W/P: PAUL KING Roy Thinnes is a secret agent in Hawaii in this very bad, boring and understandably unsuccessful pilot attempt at a tv series. Ian McShane is the killer villain disguised as a priest. With Frances Nuyen, Zulu (from Hawaii 5-0), Eric Braeden and Harry Endo. From the director of JAWS 2.

CODE NAME PHOENIX (2000 US) D/W/P: JEFF FREILICH W: JAMES CAPPE In the future, the regular police force has been replaced by competing bounty hunters. Jeanne Chinn becomes a target for these law enforcers as she attempts to prevent a powerful cosmetics company from marketing the elixir of life. Lousy tv movie is like an extended edition of a bad sci-fi tv series episode. With Lexa Doig, Jonathan Scarfe, Christina Cox, Phillip Jarrett and Freilich.

CODE NAME: THE SOLDIER See: THE SOLDIER

CODENAME TRIXIE See: THE CRAZIES

CODE OF SILENCE (1985 US) D: ANDY DAVIS W: MICHAEL BUTLER/MIKE GRAY/DENNIS SHRYACK P: RAYMOND WAGNER Chuck Norris stars as an incorruptible cop single-handedly fighting a gang war on the streets of Chicago. Mobster Henry Silva wants to give him a “Colombian necktie”. A subplot involves an older cop who plants evidence to cover-up the fact that he shot an unarmed black kid. The ending involves a remote controlled robot tank. Often referred to as a superior Chuck vehicle, I found it an underwhelming urban action movie with a clichéd script and not enough mindless violence or scummy 80s ambiance to make it worthwhile. Clint Eastwood turned down the script, originally planned as a DIRTY HARRY sequel. With Dennis Farina, Bert Remsen and John Mahoney.

CODE OF THE REDMAN (king of the stallions) (1942 US) D/P: EDWARD FINNEY W: ARTHUR ST. CLAIRE/SHERMAN LOWE Rick Vallin is an Indian brave who must tame a horse “with devil spirit” in this b/w Monogram quickie. Dave O’Brien co-stars and helps stop horse thieves. With Chief Thundercloud, Ted Adams, Iron Eyes Cody, Chief Yowlachie, Gordon De Main and Forrest Taylor. Unless you’re a vintage B-western fanatic, it’ll probably put you to sleep.

CODE RED: THE RUBICON CONSPIRACY (2001 US AUSL) D: IAN GILMOUR W: ERIC SMALL P: DARRYL SHEEN Clichéd waste-of-time PREDATOR copy has military types encountering aliens in the jungle while searching for a nuclear bomb that needs defusing. One decent FX moment (a head being sucked dry by an alien bug monster) lasts all of two seconds, and the rest of it will send you to sleep. Brian McNamra and Marjean Holden star.

CODE ZERO See: THE OMEGA CODE

COFFIN JOE: THE STRANGE WORLD OF JOSÉ MOJICA MARINS (maldito: o estranho mundo de José mojica marins) (2001 BRZ) D/P: ANDRE BARCINSKI/ IVAN FINOTTI Fans who have already read about the unique cinema of José Mojica Marins and his sometimes alter ego “Coffin Joe” won’t find much they don’t already know in this just-over-anhour documentary, but it’s a rewarding experience to see the man explain the circumstances behind his work and his vision, and to hear it from friends and associates. Marins also shows us around some San Paolo locations (altered from when he filmed them) and provides amusing anecdotes. Many will also want to see the rare footage from his early non-horror productions and later porno quickies, and check out the unbelievable footage of Coffin Joe on stage screaming at a hall full of acting students pretending to be in a plane crash!

COFFY (1973 US) D/W: JACK HILL P: ROBERT A. PAPAZIAN/ SAMUEL Z. ARKOFF (uncredited) Pam Grier had already been in Hill’s THE BIG DOLL HOUSE and THE BIG BIRD CAGE, but this was her first starring role. She is Coffin, a nurse who takes the law into her own hands when her younger sister becomes hooked on drugs. The opening scene when she seduces a pimp/ pusher before offing him is a perfect example of how films should begin. Sid Haig works as a henchman for a crime kingpin who likes to humiliate women. The outrageously dressed pimp King George has the best death scene. With Bob Minor and Marilyn Joi. This AIP hit has a killer soundtrack. Hill, who knew a few things about making a solid exploitation movie, followed with Grier in FOXY BROWN.

COHEN AND TATE (1989 US) D/W: ERIC RED P: ANTHONY RUFUS ISAACS/JEFF YOUNG Roy Scheider and Adam Baldwin are opposed hitmen reluctantly working together in Texas. After they massacre his family, they kidnap little kid Harley Cross (THE BELIEVERS) and this fairly suspenseful road movie follows his escape attempts. Not the brilliant sleeper that it has the reputation of being, but pretty good. Red scripted the hit horror road movies THE HITCHER and NEAR DARK.

COLD BLOODED EAGLES See: AVENGING EAGLE

COLD COMFORT (1989 CAN) D: VICTOR SARIN W: RICHARD BEATTIE/ELLIOTT L. SIMS P: ILANA FRANK/ RAY SAGER This ok psychological thriller is based on a play by James Garrard and is kind of like a low-key MISERY. Maury Chakyin is an uhninged gas station owner who lives in the remote snow swept Prairies. He helps out a travelling salesman when his car breaks down, but then won’t let him leave his house. The stranger finds that he is the reluctant birthday present for Chakyin’s promiscuous teen daughter. With Jayne Eastwood. Note that one of the producers is Ray Sager, THE WIZARD OF GORE himself, who’s produced a number of films in Canada (including PROM NIGHT “sequels”).

COLD CUTS See: BUFFET FROID

THE COLD EYES OF FEAR (deperate moments; los frios ojos del miedo; gli occhi freddi della paura) (1970 ITL SPN) D/W: ENZO G. CASTELLARI W: TITO CARPI/LEO ANCHORIZ P: JOSÉ FRADE Karin Scubert is a womanising rich-kid solicitor who steals Giovanna Ralli (who looks pretty cute later in the picture without too much makeup on) from another man at a bar (where a sex show is taking place) and takes her back to his uncle’s house. Frank Wolff and Julian Mateos are a couple of crooks with unclear motives who break into the big house, and this turns into a class war hostage thriller. Parts are silly and there are typical (for the time and place, swinging London) arty daydream sequences, but this is a notbad, fairly watchable flick with a decent Ennio Morricone soundtrack. Fernando Rey is the (Judge) uncle. With Gianni Garko.

COLD HEARTS (1999 US) D/W: ROBERT A. MASCIANTONIO P: JOSH BENDER/KEVIN NOLAND/CHRISTOPHER WIEHL Marisa Ryan is a vampire in a seaside town trying to quit killing people with her anorexic friend Amy Jo Johnson (who used to be a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger). But the powerful leader of a vampire gang (producer Wiehl) with hypnotic powers has other plans. Robert Floyd (who reminds me of Matthew Modine) is the new frat boy in town who stands up to Wiehl. New Jersey lensed LOST BOYS copy has some imaginative parts, but is more irritating than anything else. With Fred Norris, Jon Huertas, Christian Campbell (Neve’s brother), Patrick McDade, Brian Anthony Wilson and Masciantonio (also an executive producer).

COLD STEEL (1987 US) D/W: DOROTHY ANN PUZO W: MICHAEL SONYE/MOE QUIGLEY W/P: LISA M. HANSEN Jonathan Banks is a scarred ex-cop drug addict and jewel thief with a voicebox in his throat. He blames LA cop Brad Davis for his wounds, so murders his father on Christmas Eve. Adam Ant and Sy Richardson are his partners in crime and a prestardom Sharon Stone is also involved. Typically 80s action video filler has a car chase in a demolition derby and that old standby, a flaming man falling off a roof. Jay Acovone is Davis’ comic relief partner. With Anthony La Paglia, and Eddie Egan (THE FRENCH CONNECTION) has a part also.

COLD SWEAT (de la part des copains; l’uomo dalle due ombre; de vrienden laten groeten) (1970 FRA ITL BEL) D: TERENCE YOUNG W: ALBERT SIMONIN/ SHIMON WINCELBERG/DOROTHEA BENNETT/ JO EISINGER P: ROBERT DORFMANN Charles Bronson is a sailor who runs a tourist fishing boat in the South of France. Ex-army buddies whom he betrayed to the police turn up to threaten his wife (Liv Ullmann) and adopted daughter. James Mason leads the villains with a terrible American accent, and Jill Ireland smuggles drugs. Dull adaption of Richard Matheson’s novel Ride The Nightmare features a long car chase. With Jean Topart and Paul Bonifas. Young made RED SUN and THE VALACHI PAPERS (1972) with Bronson next.

COLIN (2008 UK) D/W/P: MARC PRICE In what could have been called Diary of a Zombie, Alastair Kirton (who’s very good) joins the legions of the undead in a British city (it was shot in London and Swansea, S. Wales), and just stumbles around, getting involved with various undead and living citizens. For the most part it’s inventive, funny, moving and quite excellent, the most innovative appropriation of zombies for a long while (alongside the same year’s PONTYPOOL, which was better). But it does overplay its hand, and struggles to fill featurelength. Extremely low budget (apparently costing about £45 to make, but this discounts the value of people who will work for free), with Price doing most things (including shooting and editing, it’s a pretty inspiring use of limited resources. I look forward to see what Price can do with a bigger budget.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE (2001 US) D: ANDREW DAVIS W: DAVID AND PETER GRIFFITHS/RONALD ROOSE P: STEVEN REUTHER/DAVID FOSTER LA fireman Arnold Schwarzenegger sneaks himself into Columbia (actually Mexico) to assassinate drug-dealing terrorists responsible for a bombing that killed his wife and child. One of Arnie’s worst is no different from countless direct-to-video no-brainers, only it wastes more money. With Elias Koteas, Francesca Neri, John Leguizamo, John Turturro, Cliff Curtis, Michael Milhoan, Raymond Cruz, Miguel Sandoval, Harry J. Lennix, Greg Collins, Michael Cavanaugh, Nicholas Pryor, J. Kenneth Campbell, Pedro Damion, Fernando Sarfatti and Jay Acavone.

THE COLLECTOR (1965 UK US) D: WILLIAM WYLER W/P: JOHN KOHN W: STANLEY MANN P: JUD KINBERG Terence Stamp is excellent as a bank clerk who wins money on the football pools and buys a big house in the remote English countryside. He collects rare butterflies and kidnaps London art student Samantha Eggar who he’s loved from afar for years. She’s locked up in a tomb-like cellar bedroom in this very good psycho suspense movie that’s a little overlong, but still recommended. With Mona Washbourne and Kenneth Moore. Based on John Fowles’ novel of the same name.

THE COLLECTOR (1976) See: DEATH COLLECTOR

COLLECTOR (1997) See: KISS THE GIRLS

COLLECTOR’S ITEM (the trap; la gabbia; la jaula) (1985 ITL SPN) D: GUISEPPE PATRONI GRIFFI W: FRANCESCO BARILLI/LUCIO FULCI/ALBERTO SILVESTRI Tony Musante is held captive by a vengeful jilted former lover and her daughter (Christina Marsillach, who has nude scenes), who tie him to a bed and use him as a sex toy in this seedy yet dull and depressing erotic thriller. With Florinda Bolkan and Laura Antonelli. Lucio Fulci used the same basic premise for his THE DEVIL’S HONEY the following year.

COLLEGE CO-EDS See: THE STUDENT TEACHERS

COLLEGE CONFIDENTIAL (1960 US) D/W/P: ALBERT ZUGSMITH W: IRVING SHULMAN When Mamie Van Doren (whose character is described as “the Mamie Van Doren type”) comes home late from seeing her boyfriend, she manages to get her concerned father Elisha Cook Jr. (!) off her back by blaming sociologist Steve Allen and his study of students’ social (and sexual) habits. Allen throws little parties at his pad and is framed by someone who spikes the punch with alcohol and puts a stag film on the projector (“Tabasco Productions presents”). Things come to a head at a town trial which becomes a national media event (Walter Winchell, Sheilah Graham and Louis Sobol turn up to cover it!). Typically mixed-up Zugsmith nonsense also stars Jayne Mansfield as a newspaper reporter investigating Allen, Herbert Marshall, Conway Twitty plays a few songs and Rocky Marciano is the deputy sheriff! With Earl Wilson, William Wellman Jr. and a big, moralistic speech ending that leaves you utterly confused as to who exactly this was aimed at. Zugsmith made the more risqué SEX KITTENS GO TO COLLEGE the same year.

COLLEGE GIRLS CONFIDENTIAL (1968 US) D/P: “A.C. STEPHEN” (STEPHEN C. APOSTOLOF) W: BRUCE MITCHELL Co-ed girls seduce their professor for better grades and a freshman as part of his fraternity initiation ceremony (Landa Sigma Delta — LSD!). Birth control, recreational drugs, campus demonstrations and “kicks” are discussed in this pretty unhip b/w nudie drug-scare relic. At a party, free drugs are supplied (including joints, LSD and goofballs). This results in topless dancing, attempted rape, lesbian seduction and a guy almost killing himself while trying to walk on air. A comic relief gay character joins a bunch of naked jocks in the shower and exclaims “Wow! Smorgasbord!” to the camera. With Marsha Jordan. Based on Mitchell’s novel.

COLLISION COURSE (1967) See: THE BAMBOO SAUCER

COLLISION COURSE (best cop) (1987 US) D: LEWIS TEAGUE W: FRANK DARIUS NAMEI/ROBERT RESNIKOFF P: ROBERT COURT/TED FIELD Cop Jay Leno (!) has to team up with Japanese cop Pat Morita to catch Japanese criminals in Detroit in this downright fucking awful culture-clash action comedy. With Tom Noonan, Chris Sarandon, Ernie Hudson, Al Waxman, Soon Teck Oh, Randall “Tex” Cobb, Richard Gant and Mike Starr. I’m pleased that Leno didn’t get to be in many other movies. Field, Namei and Resnikoff were also co-producers.

THE COLONY (abduction; the advanced guard) (1998 US) D/W: PETER GEIGER W: RICHARD KLETTER P: THOM COLWELL Three aliens (who talk and behave just like humans) come to Earth (LA, to be exact) to collect four human test subjects (James Avery, Jeff Kober, Michael Weatherly and some woman) and take them aboard their spaceship for experiments. This very cheap-looking movie (made for the Sci-Fi Channel) starts off intriguing and comical, but things get serious (and seriously boring) once they are in space. John Prosky is the alien leader. Last minute alien monsters (their true form) are ridiculously bad. With David Jean Thomas, Brian Bloom and unrelated scenes of a naked blonde in the uncut video version.

COLORADO SERENADE (1946 US) D/P: ROBERT EMMETT TANSEY W: FRANCES KAVANAUGH This colour outing for singing cowboy Eddie Dearn teams him up with stuttering comic relief Roscoe Ates (from FREAKS and many others). The forgettable, typical B western plot involves gold robberies. With David Sharpe, Forrest Taylor, Dennis Moore, Warner P. Richmond, Johnny Carpenter, Robert McKenzie, Richard Cramer, George De Normand, Jack Evans, Herman Hack, Charles King and Marin Sais.

COLOR ME BLOOD RED (model massacre) (1964 US) D/W: “LEWIS H. GORDON” (HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS) P: DAVID F. FRIEDMAN The last (and least bloody) of Lewis and Friedman’s gore trilogy is kind of an extension of A BUCKET OF BLOOD. Don Joseph stars as an obnoxious, frustrated artist whose paintings become a critical success after he uses human blood as paint. It’s less enjoyable than BLOOD FEAST or TWO THOUSAND MANIACS!, but at least a character says “Holy Bananas!” when a corpse is discovered. With some terrible jokes. The original ad campaign featured what may be the original use of the “keep repeating… it’s only a movie” slogan, used later for STRAIT JACKET and made famous by LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT. The Lewis/Friedman team (who also did the photography and sound) split after this, but Lewis made more gory shockers on his own. Friedman concentrated on sexploitation.

COLOR OF A HERO See: A BETTER TOMORROW (series)

COLOR OF HEART See: PLEASANTVILLE

COLOR OF NIGHT (1994 US) D: RICHARD RUSH W: MATTHEW CHAPMAN/BILLY RAY P: BUZZ FETISHANS/ DAVID MATALON Bruce Willis is a New York psychoanalyst who goes to LA for a vacation after one of his patients commits suicide. His friend Scott Bakula is murdered (Argento-style), so he sticks around and takes over his therapy group to find out who did it. Jane March (who looks real scary with too-much makeup) becomes his lover and Ruben Blades is entertaining as an abusive loudmouth cop. This long (the director’s cut is 140 mins) thriller has some outrageous elements but is pretty uneventful and more-or-less a waste of time. It was Rush’s first since THE STUNT MAN. With Brad Dourif (“you promiscuous cunt”), Lance Henriksen, Kevin J. O’Connor, Lesley Anne Warren, Jeff Corey, Shirley Knight, Kathleen Wilhoite, Eriq La Salle and Erick Avari.

COLORS (1988 US) D: DENNIS HOPPER W: MICHAEL SCHIFFER/RICHARD DI LELLO P: ROBERT H. SOLO Sean Penn and Robert Duvall star as cops with opposing views trying to deal with LA gang violence. Hopper’s biggest hit as director is very good of its type, with great street-level Haskell Wexler photography and use of real gang members. With Maria Conchita Alonso, Sy Richardson, Jack Nance, Seymour Cassel, Damon Wayans, Tony Todd, Grand L. Bush, Don Cheadle, Glenn Plummer, Virgil Frye, Courtney Gains and Tina Lifford.

COLOSSUS AND THE HEADHUNTERS (maciste contro I tagliatori di teste; maciste contro I cacciatori di teste) (1962 ITL) D/W: GUIDO MALATESTA P: GIORGIO MARZELLI Maciste (Kirk Morris) helps the inhabitants of an island escape on rafts during an earthquake, and later protects them from a tyrannical ruler who enslaves them while exploring another island on which to live. Actually Maciste doesn’t do much of anything in this very un-dynamic peplum, one of the most boring the genre has to offer. With Demeter Bitenc and Nello Pazzafini.

COLOSSUS 80 See: COLOSSUS: THE FORBIN PROJECT

COLOSSUS OF CONGO See: GOLIATHON

THE COLOSSUS OF NEW YORK (1958 US) D: EUGENE LOURIE W: THELMA SCHNEE/WILLI GOLDBERG P: WILLIAM ALLAND After a genius scientist (Ross Martin) is hit by a car, his father and reluctant brother (Otto Kruger) transplant his brain into a very cool and menacing tall robot (Ed Wolff in a suit) that wears a cape, talks, has E.S.P and glowing eyes that emit death rays! Like Lourie’s THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS, you don’t really want to be watching for the story and characters, but you’d be a fool to miss this most memorable sci-fi monster creation. With Robert Hutton and Roy Engel. In b/w.

COLOSSUS: THE FORBIN PROJECT (colossus 80) (1970 US) D: JOSEPH SARGENT W: JAMES BRIDGES P: STANLEY CHASE Colossus is the name of a new US supercomputer built inside a mountain to take care of national defence. It’s not supposed to be capable of artificial intelligence but soon starts to run the show after it links up with another, Soviet, defence system called Guardian. The two new man-made “gods” order assassinations, release nuclear missiles at will and plan to build more of their kind to enslave the human race in this excellent sci-fi thriller that reaches a chilling, logical conclusion we can’t handle. With William Schallert, James Hong, Dolph Sweet, Susan Clark and the voice of Paul Frees. Michael Colombier provides a good soundtrack. Based on a novel by D.F. Jones. Sargent also made THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE.

COLT CONCERT See: MASSACRE TIME

COMA (1978 US) D/W: MICHAEL CRICHTON P: MARTIN ERLICHMAN Slick yet formulaic adaption of Robin Cook’s novel stars Genevieve Bujold as a doctor who discovers a black-market in human organs, whose supply is product right out of the hospital where she works. It’s an entertaining enough conspiracy movie that’ll probably hook you for a couple of hours if you catch it on tv. With Richard Widmark, Rip Torn, Michael Douglas, Lois Chiles, Elizabeth Ashley, Tom Selleck, Benny Rubin, Mike Lally and Ed Harris (in his first theatrical feature).

COMANCHE STATION (1960 US) D/P: BUDD BOETTICHER W: BURT KENNEDY P: RANDOLPH SCOTT (uncredited) Nancy Gates was kidnapped by Indians and taken from her husband and child. Randolph Scott rescues and escorts her back cross-country, but other greedier bounty hunters also want the reward money. Short but slow and boring western is not among Boetticher’s best, in fact it’s one of his worst. With Claude Akins and Rand Brooks.

COMBAT SHOCK (american nightmare) (1984 US) D/W/P: BUDDY GIOVINAZZO Ricky Giovinazzo (the director’s younger brother) is a ’nam vet who can’t get work, owes money to vicious small-town hoods and lives a nightmare of flashbacks, violence and depression on Staten Island while trying to provide food for his wife and pathetic, deformed child (the result of Agent Orange contamination). This mostly depressing, gory feature has really good location photography, ’nam flashbacks and a catchy (if not always appropriate) synth score. It’s no classic (and the somewhat similar, later played-for-laughs STREET TRASH is somehow more effective) but is very well made, thoughtprovoking and definitely worth a look. Troma released it (Herz and Kaufman were executive producers) so the trailer is hilarious. Make sure you see the director’s cut. (The song that always reminds me of this film is Frankie Teardrop by Suicide.)

COME BACK CHARLESTON BLUE (harlem detectives) (1972 US) D: MARK WARREN W: BONTCHE SCHWEIG/PEGGY ELLIOTT P: SAMUEL GOLDWYN JR. Godfrey Cambridge and Raymond St. Jacques return as Harlem detectives Gravedigger Jones and Coffin Ed Johnson in this follow up to COTTON COMES TO HARLEM, based on Chester Himes’ The Heat’s On. The plot involves stolen turkeys, a series of bizarre murders and bombings and a benevolent-seeming black gangster taking over the dope racket from the Italian mafioso (clearly based on Frank Lucas, and interestingly much more critical of his actions than the later 2007 movie AMERICAN GANGSTER). Some ideas (like a crooked cross-dressing nun) are borrowed from other novels in Himes’ Jones & Johnson series of novels (all recommended by the way). It’s not as good as COTTON…, but quite an enjoyable watch, with great location photography including a cemetery shoot-out and a car chase. With Percy Rodrigues, Leonardo Cimino, Adam Wade, Philip Michael Thomas (making his debut the same year he starred in STIGMA), an uncredited Tamara Dobson (soon to become CLEOPATRA JONES) and associate producer Al Fann. Music supervised by Quincy Jones. No one tried to adapt Himes again until A RAGE IN HARLEM in 1991.

COME BACK PETER See: SOME LIKE IT SEXY

COME DRINK WITH ME (daai chui hap; da zui xia) (1966 HK) D/W: KING HU W: YI CHEUNG P: RUN RUN SHAW Hu’s third feature is a Shaw Bros swordplay classic that set the stage for martial arts cinema. Chen Hung Lieh (in white face makeup) is a bandit rebel who has a government official (and general’s son) kidnapped so he can bargain for the release of his gang’s leader. The kindapee’s sister, Golden Swallow (the iconic Cheng Pei Pei), fights back, with the help of drunken singing beggar (and master swordsman) Yueh Hua. Yeung Chi Hing is a villainous abbot, and look for a bald Simon Yuen Siu Tien near the beginning. The fight choreography (by Han Ying Chieh and Sammo Hung) may not look like much today, but taken in the context of time this was the movie that ultimately made all your later kung fu favourites possible. Even now a modern audience could appreciate its master craftsmanship. The fact that everyone here thinks Cheng Pei Pei is a man will probably not wash with you, though. With Ku Feng, Lee Wan Chung, Kok Lee Yan, Han Ying Cheh, Hsu Hsia and Shum Lo. Apparently Mars, Alan Chui Chung San and Chin Siu Tung are three of the little kids. Hu made the even better DRAGON GATE INN next.

COME PLAY WITH ME (1977 UK) D/W/P: GEORGE HARRISON MARKS Were it not for the appearance of Brit sex icon Mary Millington, this thoroughly mediocre nudie farce, about a health spa run by sexy nurses and a couple of cowardly crooks in hiding, wouldn’t have become the hit that it did. Notorious nudie photographer Marks (who’d been directing since 1961’s NAKED AS NATURE INTENDED) is Cornelius Clapworthy, Alfie Bass his sidekick. With Irene Handl, Ronald Frazer, Pat Astley, Michael Balfour and Valentine Dyall. Apparently a hardcore version was prepared but appears to be lost, if it ever existed (this could have been a rumour started by executive producer David Sullivan).

THE COMFORT OF STRANGERS (cortesie per gli ospiti) (1990 ITL US) D: PAUL SCHRADER W: HAROLD PINTER P: ANGELA RIZZOLI JR. Rupert Everrett and Natasha Richardson are a couple befriended on their holiday in Venice by the strange Armani suitwearing Christopher Walken (and his wife Helen Mirren). This psycho thriller based on Ian McEwan’s novel is unsatisfying and pointless.

COMIC BOOK CONFIDENTIAL (1988 CAN) D/W/P: RON MANN W/P: CHARLES LIPPINCOTT P: MARTIN HARBURY/DON HAIG A fun, freewheeling, stylish and partly animated documentary about the world of (American) comic books. As well as a fascinating pocket history of the art form, we get interviews with too many interesting artists and writers to mention here (but they include Robert Crumb, Stan Lee, Will Eisner, Will Gaines, Frank Miller, Harvey [AMERICAN SPLENDOR] Pekar, Gilbert Shelton, Spain, Art Spiegelman, Jack Kirby, Harvey Kurtzman, Bill Griffith). You could argue about certain omissions, but it’s nice to have a quality doc that treats this stuff seriously. Segments are on EC horror comics, MAD and underground comix. Essential viewing for fans, and very accessible to those who don’t know any of these people. Now if only I could see a similar, definitive work on Japanese manga and its history.

THE COMING OF DRACULA’S BRIDE See: LUST AT FIRST BITE

COMMANDO (1985 US) D: MARK L. LESTER W: STEVEN E. DeSOUZA/JOSEPH LOEB III/MATTHEW WEISMAN P: JOEL SILVER After the success of THE TERMINATOR, the director of ROLLER BOOGIE put Arnold Schwarzenegger in this silly, violent and entertaining all-action hit vehicle. Arnie plays an excommando whose daughter (little Alyssa Milano) is kidnapped on behalf of a South American dictator (Dan Hedaya!) by ex-Marine Vernon Wells. Rae Dawn Chong helps a wisecracking Arnie kill everyone. With Bill Paxton, David Patrick Kelly, Bill Duke, Chelsea Field, Ava Cadell, Drew Snyder, Bob Minor, Branscombe Richmond and Thomas Rosales Jr. Remade in Russia in 2008 as D DAY.

COMMANDO AMAZON See: GOLDEN QUEEN’S COMMANDO

COMMANDO FIGHTER See: FAST GUN

COMMANDO LEOPARD (kommando leopard) (1985 SWITZ W.GER ITL) D: “ANTHONY M. DAWSON” (ANTONIO MARGHERITI) W: ROY NELSON P: ERWIN C. DIETRICH It’s another interchangeable exploitation-favourites-in-the-jungle war movie. Like most of them it’s overlong, boring and the cast is utterly wasted. John Steiner (who seems to be in a hell of a lot of them) and Klaus Kinski are in this one, but Lewis Collins (WHO DARES WINS) is the star. He was also in Margheriti’s previous (and very similar) CODENAME: WILDGEESE (which had Kinski, too). With Manfred Lehmann and Luciano Pigozzi. It was filmed in Venezuela. Dietrich is a European trash movie legend who backed several Jesús Franco features, among others.

COMMANDO SQUAD (1987 US) D/P: FRED OLEN RAY W: DAVID A. JACKSON/JAMES SAAD/TOM RIPARETTI/ STEVE LE GASSICK/MICHAEL SONYE P: ALAN AMIEL LA narc Kathy Shower (a Playboy Playmate wearing a black wig, who calls someone a “midget donkey fucker”) is sent to Mexico to rescue fellow agent Brian Thompson and destroy a cocaine factory. She gets her weapons from Marie Windsor, operating Hollywood Book and Poster (!) as a front. Once she gets there it’s the usual generic bonehead action, enlivened only slightly by guest star villains William Smith, Ross Hagen, Sid Haig, Russ Tamblyn and Mel Welles. With Robert Quarry, Dawn Wildsmith, Tane McClure, Michelle Bauer, Olen Ray and a poster for his THE TOMB (1985), and scenes shot at Bronson Canyon caves.

COMMON BONDS See: CHAINDANCE

COMMON LAW WIFE (1960/63 US) D: “ERIC SAYERS” (LARRY BUCHANAN and ???) P: FRED A. KADANE Buchanan claims that this was originally shot (as SWAMP ROSE) in colour. M.A. Ripps (notorious for his overseeing of BAYOU into POOR WHITE TRASH) had someone — “Eric Sayers” — shoot new footage (with lookalike stand-ins at times) and it was released in b/w in 63. (Who is this Sayers? He’s also credited with the much sought after 1965 picture THE GARBAGE MAN.) The plot is a little protracted as a result, but this atmospheric swamp melodrama (which predates several similar Russ Meyer flicks, like MUDHONEY) is pretty good, and very entertaining. All the scheming and/or hate-filled cartoonish characters are set in motion when an old tycoon throws out his wife (of the title) Annabelle Lee/Weenick (a Buchanan regular), and calls for his sexy niece Baby Doll (who’s been away stripping) to come and “look after him”. Other characters include a lovesick, cheating sheriff, and big swamp still operator Bull. With Libby Hall/Booth (star of Buchanan’s previous THE NAKED WITCH) and Dale Berry (who directed the minimal 1964 classic, THE GIRL AND THE GEEK). Buchanan made FREE, WHITE AND 21 (1963) next.

COMMUNION (1976) See: ALICE, SWEET ALICE

COMPANEROS (vamos a matar, companeros!; zwei companeros) (1970 ITL SPN W.GER) D/W: SERGIO CORBUCCI W: DINO MAIURI/MASSIMO DE RITA/ FRITZ EBERT EXEC P: ANTONIO MORELLI A better retread of Corbucci’s THE MERCENARY. Franco Nero is The Swede, who wanders into San Bernardino during the Mexican Revolution. Because he is in possession of the combination to a safe full of treasure, a corrupt bandit leader (José Bodalo) wants the Swede to cross the border into the US and break Prof. Xantos (Fernando Rey) free from cavalry Fort Yuma (with the help of bordello madame Karin Schubert). Vasco (co-star Tomas Milian in bandit mode) tails along with him. On their trail is Jack Palance as a ruthless mercenary with a metal hand and a pet falcon called Marsha (not to mention a weird accent I think is supposed to be Irish). Rey turns out to be a smart, pacifist humanitarian and scholar with true revolutionary student followers (including a very cute shorthaired Iris Berben, from Germany), and soon Milian has to rethink his loyalties. It may seem a little slow at times, but the overall effect is culminative, and this is a fine, rousing western. Ennio Morricone’s soundtrack includes the brilliant title theme, among the genre’s finest signature tunes. Alejandro Ulloa was the cinematographer. With Eduardo Fajardo, Alavaro de Luna, Lorenzo Robledo, Giovanni Petrucci, Gerard Tichy, Gianni Pulone, José Canalejas, Vic Israel and Tito Garcia. The uncut (English-dubbed) Anchor Bay dvd has some scenes in Italian with no subtitles, but it won’t affect your viewing pleasure.

THE COMPANION See: DIE SISTER, DIE!

THE COMPANY OF WOLVES (1984 UK) D/W: NEIL JORDAN W: ANGELA CARTER P: CHRIS BROWN/STEPHEN WOOLLEY Angela Lansbury is the grandma who knits a red shawl for a little girl while telling her stories of wolves that are “hairy on the inside” and warns “never trust a man whose eyebrows meet in the middle”. May be too slow-going for some, but this dreamlike (and dreamed) intertwining of fairy tales is rewarding and looks great (Anton Furst designed the sets). Chris Tucker’s transformation FX look a little hokey, but are very effective and unusual. The great British cast includes Stephen Rea, David Warner, Brian Glover, Danielle Dax, Graham Crowden and a very brief appearance from an uncredited Terence Stamp. Based on Carter’s writings.

THE COMPLETE UNCENSORED PRIVATE SNAFU CARTOONS FROM WORLD WAR II Bosko Video put out this dvd compilation of all the Private Snafu cartoons, educational propaganda comedy made to show American troops overseas during WWII. Dr. Seuss had a hand in writing the screenplays. Recurring themes include top secret information gossip, malaria-ridden mosquitoes, the effort at the home front and buck-toothed “tojos” or “japs”. Frequent directors were Fritz Freleng, Chuck Jones and Bob Clampett. Snafu (an acronym for Situation Normal All Fucked-Up) was voiced by Mel Blanc, whose Bugs Bunny makes cameo appearances. Interesting to see nowadays, but none of the assorted talents’ finest work, so best watched in moderation. Bosko’s informative intro scrawls are appreciated.

COMPLICITY (retribution; psycho 2001) (1999 SCOT UK) D: GAVIN MILLAR W: BRYAN ELSLEY P: RICHARD JACKSON/NEIL DUNN Johnny Lee Miller is a coke-snorting newspaper reporter who receives phone calls from a mystery informant using a voice FX box who points him in the direction of “suicides”. Soon they become more obvious murders, each (corrupt rich businessman) victim dying in elaborate ways (the armless guy in a bloody jacuzzi is the gore highlight, I suppose). Miller becomes the main police suspect as he retreats into his past to try to find a clue. Despite the terrible synopsis I’ve given here, making it sound like loads of other dull movies you’ve probably sat through, this well-paced and assuredly directed thriller (from a novel by Iain Banks) is very effective and has particularly harrowing scenes of how an innocent man can be legally detained and tormented by the police (at length). With Brian Cox (from MANHUNTER) as a detective, Bill Paterson, Samuel West and Alex Norton. Millar had previously directed THE CROW ROAD, a tv miniseries based on Banks’ writings.

COMPULSION (1959 US) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: RICHARD MURPHY P: RICHARD D. ZANUCK Highly intelligent law students Bradford Dillman (the popular confident one) and Dean Stockwell (the sad flaky one) commit murder in Chicago 1924. The pair continue their “experiment” as they observe how the police investigate it. Very good thriller becomes a superior courtroom drama when they’re finally fingered. Orson Welles (in too much old age makeup) is the sympathetic, successful defence lawyer. Diane Varsi is an important witness. Based on Meyer Levin’s book which itself was based on the real-life Leopold/Loeb case. With E.G. Marshall, Martin Milner, Russ Bender, Richard Anderson, Robert Burton, Wilton Grant, Gavin McLeod, Harry Carter, Peter Brocco, Frank Conroy and Henry Kulky. Hitchcock had previously filmed the story as the experimental ROPE, and the later SWOON (1992) fleshed out the homoerotic subtext.

COMPUTER KILLERS See: HORROR HOSPITAL

COMRADES IN ARMS (double commando) (1991 CAN) D/W/P: J. CHRISTIAN INGVORDSEN W/P: STEVE KAMAN/JOHN WEINER An ex-Green Beret reluctantly teams up with KGB agents to fight a drug cartel in Colombia. Boring, boring, boring. With Lance Henriksen and the insufferable, relentless junk-peddler Ingvordsen.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (conan the great) (1982 US) D/W: JOHN MILIUS W: OLIVER STONE/EDWARD SUMMER P: BUZZ FETISHANS/RAFAELLA DE LAURENTIIS Arnold Schwarzengger is the primitive warrior seeking revenge for the murder of his family in this pretty good and influential sword and sorcery epic from the right-wing Milius (who has a cameo), which is based on stories by Robert E. Howard. With Sandahl Bergman, James Earl Jones, Max von Sydow, Mako, Ben Davidson, William Smith, Lui Barboo, Jorge Sanze, Sven-Ole Thorsen and Jack Taylor.

CONAN THE DESTROYER (1984 US) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: STANLEY MANN/GERRY CONWAY/ROY THOMAS P: RAFFAELLA DE LAURENTIIS/EDWARD R. PRESSMAN Lighter sequel is ok as throwaway sword and sorcery nonsense. Schwarzenegger protects princess Olivia D’abo while searching for a magic gem and battling Carlo Rambaldi designed monsters (the highlight). With Grace Jones, Mako, Tracey Walter, Wilt Chamberlain, Sarah Douglas, Jeff Corey, Ferdy Mayne, Sven-Ole Thorsen and Andre the Giant. It was filmed in Mexico for executive producer Dino de Laurentiis. Fleischer and Schwarzenegger returned with the similar Howard related RED SONJA (1985). There was a new CONAN THE BARBARIAN in 2011. Someone should adapt the Bran Mak Morn story Worms Of The Earth.

CONAN THE GREAT See: CONAN THE BARBARIAN

CONCLUSION See: DEN OF LIONS

CONCORD OF BRUCE See: NINJA VS. BRUCE LEE

CONCORDE See: MACH 2

CONCRETE WAR (the last hour) (1990 US) D: WILLIAM SACHS W: JIM BYRNES P: RICHARD SAWYER Michael Pare stars in this sleep-inducing DIE HARD copy from the director of THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN. He has to rescue Shannon Tweed from an office block because her new husband ripped-off gangsters. With Robert Miano and Danny Trejo.

EL CONDE DRACULA See: BRAM STOKER’S COUNT DRACULA

CONDEMNED TO LIVE (1935 US) D: FRANK R. STRAYER W: KAREN DE WOLFE P: MAURY M. COHEN Strayer returns to the same subject matter (and sets) as his THE VAMPIRE BAT (Charles Dunworth’s score is also recycled). Ralph Morgan is an extremely kind, selfless professor who also turns out to be the monster terrorising the villagers in this 65 mins b/w programmer from Invincible Pictures. It has something to do with being bitten by vampire bats in a cave in Africa as a child. Russell Gleason is the heroic young man who also loves the professor’s betrothed (Maxine Doyle). Mischa Auer is a hunchback servant named Zan who loyally protects his master. With Pedro De Cordoba, Lucy Beaumont, Carl Stockdale, Barbara Bedford, Robert Frazer, Ferdinand Brownlee, Horace B. Carpenter, Dick Curtis, Harold Goodwin, Slim Whitaker and scenes at Bronson Canyon. Watchable vintage, but it hasn’t really dated as well as the flawed but interesting BAT template.

CONEHEADS (1993 US) D: STEVE BARRON W: TOM DAVIS/DAN AYKROYD/BONNIE TURNER/TERRY TURNER P: LORNE MICHAELS This comedy about a family of bald, pointy-headed aliens (Aykroyd and Jane Curtin are the parents. Michelle Burke their daughter) dodging villainous immigration officer Michael McKean on Earth is never too hilarious but is ok light entertainment with a few laughs. Aykroyd and Curtin had created the characters years earlier on Saturday Night Live, and the film is full of ex-cast members of the show. With Phil Hartman, Jason Alexander, Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, Sinbad, Jan Hooks, Kevin Nealon, David Spade, Tim Meadows, Michael Richards, Eddie Griffin, Tom Arnold, Tom Davis, Parker Posey, Joey Lauren Adams, Drew Carey, Jon Lovitz, Julia Sweeney, Ellen De Generes, Garrett Morris, Dave Thomas, Laraine Newman and Nils Allen Stewart.

CONFESSION See: CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND

CONFESSIONS FROM A HOLIDAY CAMP (holiday camp) (1977 UK) D: NORMAN COHEN W: CHRISTOPHER WOOD P: GREG SMITH Fourth and final entry in the CONFESSIONS… series based on Wood’s books. Here, Timmy Lea (series regular Robin Askwith) has a job at a stereotypically cold and miserable British holiday camp (Funfrall). The new ex-prison warden head threatens to sack him and co-star Anthony Booth if the beauty contest they’re organising doesn’t go to plan. Naturally women can’t keep their kit on when Askwith comes ‘round with contest entry forms. The family come to visit just like in HOLIDAY ON THE BUSES, a black woman is made fun of (“had a bit of sun have you?”) and there’s a cream pie fight. Funny in a pathetic, desperate way. With Marianne Stone, Linda Hayden, Lance Percival as a stereotyped homosexual (“he’s a bit vice versa”) and John Junkin. The Wurzels sing the theme tune Give Me England Every Time My Dear.

CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND (confession) (2002 US CAN GER) D: GEORGE CLOONEY W: CHARLIE KAUFMAN P: ANDREW LAZAR Clooney’s directorial debut is a winner, whether it’s to do with his skill behind the camera, Kaufman’s script or the fascinating book by Chuck Barris on which it’s based (true or not). Barris (here excellently portrayed by Sam Rockwell) was a horny young man who fell into tv producing during the late-50s/early 60s boom period. As well as creating the likes of The Dating Game and The Gong Show, he was also (according to his memoirs) an assassin recruited and trained by the CIA in his spare time. Whether you buy into this or not, the story is so fascinating and told in such an engrossing way that it doesn’t really matter. Even Julia Roberts is good in it! And Rutger Hauer has his first decent role in an (almost) mainstream movie for years. Barris himself appears at the end briefly as the script’s final killer line is delivered. With Drew Barrymore, Maggie Gyllenhaal, David Julian Hirsh, Jerry Weintraub, Rachelle Leferre, Michael Cera, Robert Burke, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Steve Adams, Richard Kind, Krista Allen, Dick Clark, Murray Langston (“The Unknown Comic”), Bob Eubanks, Jamie Farr, Arte Johnson, Eric Jungmann, Conrad Pla, Bridget Powen and Clooney. Scenes with Fred Savage were deleted.

CONFESSIONS OF AN OPIUM EATER (souls for sale; secrets of a soul; evils of chinatown) (1962 US) D/P: ALBERT ZUGSMITH W: ROBERT HILL Here’s a bizarre, bewildering b/w oddity from Zugsmith, loosely based on the writings of Thomas De Quincey. Vincent Price stars (and narrates) as the Eastern philosophy spouting De Quincey in 19th century “London”. Chinatown looks like an old wild west town. Beautiful girls from all over the Orient are shipped there and sold to lecherous old Chinese businessmen. Price befriends a Chinese midget woman locked in a bamboo cage and smokes a pipe in an opium den. This leads to an extended slo-mo, almost silent trip sequence with loud sound FX. I can only imagine what early-60s theatre audiences made of all this. With Richard Loo, Philip Ahn, Victor Sen Yung, Charles Horvath, Roy Jenson and Angelo Rossitto selling newspapers. Zugsmith and Hill also collaborated on the crime movie DOG EAT DOG (1964).

CONFESSIONS OF A PEEPING TOM See: HI, MOM!

CONFESSIONS OF A POP PERFORMER (1975 UK) D: NORMAN COHEN W: CHRISTOPHER WOOD P: GREGG SMITH The once popular Robin Askwith (HORROR HOSPITAL) stars as the clumsy, naïve and always cheerful Timmy Lea in this typically silly, not very funny sequel to CONFESSIONS OF A WINDOW CLEANER (1974). Anthony Booth is his brother-inlaw who decides to manage a pub rock band called Bloater (later changed to Kipper). They’re described as “a banquet for the earhole” and Timmy becomes the drummer when the real one gets injured. There are softcore sex scenes, of course, those ridiculous speeded-up segments and a reference to THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN. Based on Timothy Lea’s Confessions From The Pop Scene. The theme tune goes “Timmy, give me some of your loving”. CONFESSIONS OF A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR (1976) and CONFESSIONS FROM A HOLIDAY CAMP followed. With Bill Pertwee, Rula Lenska, David Prowse, Peter Jones and a good gorilla suit.

CONFESSIONS OF A PSYCHO CAT (1968 US) D/P: “EVE” (HERB STANLEY) W: BILL BOYD A woman hunts three men over a 24-hour period in Manhattan in this b/w sexploitation MOST DANGEROUS GAME copy. One of the men is Jake La Motta (as a wrestler)! Great location photography is the best thing about it. A Peter Falk (THE Peter Falk?) is credited with the location work.

CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE PEANUT BUTTER FREAK (1975 US) D/W: GERALD GRAYSTONE W: ZACHARY YOUNGBLOOD Boring, nervous, bespectacled Billie goes home with gas station attendant “Jennifer Mason” (Helen Madigan) to taste her new jar of peanut butter. His flashbacks explain how he was caught masturbating by his aunt who dropped a slice of peanut buttered toast on his dick in shock just as he shot his load in her face! Then she shows him how to have sex, and lick peanut butter off her snatch. Another flashback has him hiding behind a small potted plant to spy on his lesbian cousin getting it on. Madigan has a flashback to a childhood game of hide and seek with rape and slo-mo running. The 68 mins print of this hardcore oddity (with what appears a more recent shot-on-video intro with impossible-toread credits written in a diary, which identify the film as CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGER) seems to end too soon, but mercifully as it’s pretty boring with dull sex scenes.

CONFESSIONS OF A VICE BARON (skid row) (1943 US) Lucky Lombardo (Willy Castello) tells his story before he’s to be executed on Death Row. What that means is that viewers will witness several long scenes from earlier roadshow “adults only” shockers that Castello starred in, playing pretty much the same suave, heartless racketeer. He’s a confidence trickster, kidnapper, illegal abortionist, pimp/scoutman etc. in scenes from the likes of MAD YOUTH (1940), SMASHING THE VICE TRUST (1937), THE WAGES OF SIN (1938) and RACE SUICIDE (1937), all strung together by his narration over 59 rip-off mnutes! There are also scenes from THE COCAINE FIENDS, and a strip segment inserted into later prints of THE MURDER IN THE MUSEUM (1934), neither of which Costello was in. At the end Lombardo talks to the audience directly, warning us away from the easy money of vice and crime. From Real Life Productions, actually Willis Kent Productions (Kent originally released all this stuff, and was probably the producer). If you haven’t already seen the movies pilfered, this is a good primer for that curious Hollywood-alternative subgenre, and if you have, you gotta marvel at the audacity!

CONFESSIONS OF EMANUELLE See: THE DEGREDATION OF EMANUELLE

CONFESSIONS OF THE SEX SLAVES (island of the savage sex slaves; naked street girls; sensual partners; sensuous slaves; tanzerinnen fur tanger) (1976 W.GER) D: “GUY GIBERT” (“JACK GUY”) Typical mid-70s narrated European sexposé has a shocking story to tell about the white slave trade and lots of skin. Pretty boring as these things go.

CONFIDENTIAL REPORT (mr. arkadin; monsieur arkadin; dossier secret) (1955 FRA SPN SWITZ) D/W/P: ORSON WELLES P: LOUIS DOLIVET This once thought to be lost feature based on Welles’ novel is actually more interesting than the more famous CITIZEN KANE, with which it has a lot in common. Welles hires a smuggler (Robert Arden) to reconstruct his life before 1927. Most of the film has Arden globe-hopping to secure interviews with various old associates and friends (who end up dead). Pretty bizarre stuff, filmed in Mexico and countless European countries, and highly recommended. With Michael Redgrave, Akim Tamiroff, Gregoire Aslan, Mischa Auer, Peter Van Eyck. Gert Frobe, Manuel Requena and Amparo Rivelles.

CONGO (1995 US) D: FRANK MARSHALL W: JOHN PATRICK SHANLEY P: KATHELEEN KENNEDY/SAM MERCER Michael Crichton’s best-selling novel was turned into a silly, big-budget killer gorilla movie. Dylan Walsh is a Berkeley scientist who has taught Amy the Gorilla to talk, using a sign language/voicebox computer on her arm. He takes her on an expedition to Zaire to teach other gorillas English!!! Their party is joined by Romanian explorer Tim Curry and Laura Linney (both searching for King Solomon’s diamond mine). Ernie Hudson is the guide (“I’m your great white hunter, but I happen to be black”). Fun to a certain degree, but is neither good or bad enough to be really worth watching. Bruce Campbell and James Karen aren’t on-screen for long, with Joe Don Baker, Grant Heslov, Joe Pantaliano, John Hawkes, Stuart Pankin, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje and Philip Tan as a gorilla. Stan Winston was a second unit director.

THE CONQUEROR OF ATLANTIS (kingdom in the sand; il conquistadore di atlantide) (1965 ITL) D/W: ALFONSO BRESCIA W: FRANCO COBIANCHI P: GIORGIO AGLIANI/ALBERTO CHIMENZ/VICO PAVONI Hercules (Kirk Morris) is shipwrecked and ends up in the desert. A secret passageway leads to an underground civilisation where an evil Queen Ming (Helese Chanel) rules and an army of gold-skinned men is being assembled. With Piero Lulli and Andrea Scotti. Enjoyable muscleman adventure sometimes resembles an old serial. Might make a good thematic double bill with THE CLONES OF BRUCE LEE?

THE CONQUEROR WORM See: MATTHEW HOPKINS: WITCHFINDER GENERAL

CONQUEST (la conquista de la tierra perdida; el barbara) (1983 ITL SPN MEX) D: LUCIO FULCI W: GINO CAPONE/José ANTONIO DE LA LOMA/CARLOS VASALLO P: GIOVANNI DI CLEMENTE Far from his best, this Fulci CONAN copy is still quite fun and amusing. Jorge Rivero stars as the muscular hero. Sabrina Siani (from ATOR) is an evil queen who eats brains and sleeps with snakes. With Conrado San Marin, an ape man, mummy men, zombies, gore Rivero’s evil double, dolphins and more. I enjoyed it a great deal more than maybe I should have. So might you.

CONQUEST OF SPACE (1955 US) D: BYRON HASKIN W: JAMES O’HANLON P: GEORGE PAL This follow up to DESTINATION MOON is sillier with more comic relief and less detail to scientific accuracy, but does feature some great FX work for the time. The ridiculous plot has the crew of a Moon-bound rocket project on an orbiting “space wheel” station suddenly given new orders to head for Mars (where it snows at Christmas). Based on a novel by Chesley Bonestall and Willy Levy, which itself was based on Werner Von Braun’s published research paper Mars Project. With Walter Brooke, Eric Fleming, Benson Fong, William Hopper, Joan Shawlee, Vito Scotti, Michael Fox and Rosemary Clooney. Philip Yordan and George Worthing Yates helped with the screen adaptation.

CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (1972 US) D: J. LEE THOMPSON W: PAUL DEHN P: ARTHUR P. JACOBS In 1991 (the future at the time the film was made) an outer-space virus brought back to Earth by a space probe has killed all the dogs and cats. Humans have domesticated apes as their replacement, going one step further and using them as slaves. Roddy McDowall is Caesar, the intelligent child of Cornelius and Zera (born at the end of the previous entry) who leads the apes to revolution while acting dumb as governor Don Murray’s pet. Rousing fourth entry is kind of a prequel (with some previous facts altered). Frank Capra Jr. was associate producer. With Ricardo Montalban, Buck Kartalian, Severn Darden and John Randolph. BATTLE FOR… was next. CONQUEST was sort of remade as RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011).

CONSENTING ADULTS (1992 US) D/P: ALAN J. PAKULA W: MATTHEW CHAPMAN P: DAVID PERMUT Kevin Spacey is the creepy new neighbour who enters the suburban life of bored married couple Kevin Kline and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio and proposes wife-swapping. It’s a complex life insurance scam involving murder. What could have been a genuinely interesting thriller isn’t. Starts off like it might at least be dumb fun, but runs out of gas. With Forest Whitaker, E.G. Marshall and Ed Grady. Screenwriter Chapman also directs himself (HEART OF MIDNIGHT).

CONSPIRACY.COM See: AntiTrust

CONTAGION (2000) See: CONTAMINATED MAN

CONTAGION (2011 US UAE) D: STEVEN SODERBERGH W: SCOTT Z. BURNS P: GREGORY JACOBS/ MICHAEL SHAMBERG/STACY SHER A rapid-acting, deadly, unknown virus breaks worldwide. Government agencies try to get on top of it, but this pretty realistic thriller shows how easily and quickly things can get out of control. Jude Law is a fine grey-area “villain” blogger who gets public service confused with grandiose egotism. The ensemble cast includes Matt Damon, Laurence Fishburne, Marion Cotillard, Chin Han, Kate Winslet, John Hawkes, Jennifer Ehle, Gwyneth Paltrow (as Patient Zero), Armin Rohde, Elliot Gould, Bryan Cranston, Tien You Chui and Josie Ho (DREAM HOME) — too many distracting famous faces, in fact (reminiscent of 70s all-star disaster movies). Solid, enjoyable and with some very good scenes (and acting) indeed, but also oddly forgettable once it’s done. Cliff Martinez’s score is pretty good, but unfortunately U2 are heard at the end. Soderbergh’s voice is also heard.

CONTAMINATED MAN (contagion; bio disaster; bei beruhrung tod) (2000 UK US GER) D: ANTHONY HICKOX W: JOHN PENNEY P: JULIA VERDIN/KONSTANTIN THOEREN Peter Weller is a laid-off German security guard in Budapest who causes an accident in a lab experimenting with a dangerous new pesticide. He runs away without knowing he is the carrier of a deadly virus that infects and kills every person he comes in contact with. William Hurt as a chemical pollution clean-up expert, and anti-terrorist agent Natasha McElhone, are on his tail in this not-bad little escaped virus thriller. With Arthur Brauss, Christopher Cazenove, Zoltan Gera and Gyono Szabo. Filmed in Hungary.

CONTAMINATION (alien contamination; toxic spawn; astaron: brut des schreckens) (1981 ITL W.GER) D/W: “LEWIS COATES” (LUIGI COZZI) P: “CHARLES” (CLAUDIO) MANCINI Ian McCulloch is in this bad but enjoyable and gory sci-fi ALIEN copy as green eggs from space burst and the sticky liquid that squirts from them causes people to explode. An official “video nasty” in the UK. With Marino Mase, Siegfred Rauch and Al Cliver. From the director of STARCRASH.

CONTAMINATOR See: SHOCKING DARK

CONTEMPT (le mepris; il disprezzo) (1963 FRA ITL) D/W: JEAN-LUC GODARD P: CARLO PONTI/ GEORGES DE BEAUREGARD/JOSEPH E. LEVINE This gorgeous looking classic (thanks to Raoul Coutard’s photography) is amongst Godard’s best (and least pretentious). Jack Palance is a loud American producing Fritz Lang’s The Odyssey. Brigitte Bardot and Michel Piccoli join them at a villa on the Riviera. The characters’ spiteful, vindictive behaviour works as a satire on the movie industry (and perhaps the making of this very film) and creates a fascinating tale in its own right. It was condemned by the Catholic Church’s Legion of Decency on its original release, even though nothing graphic of any nature is shown. Based on Alberto Moravia’s novel. Both Godard and Coutard act.

CONTRABAND See: THE NAPLES CONNECTION

THE CONTRACT (maai guen kai; mai juan zi) (1978 HK) D/W: MICHAEL HUI P: RAYMOND CHOW The Hui brothers Mike, Sam and Ricky (THE PRIVATE EYES) return with more likeable hijinks. To call it a satire on the media industry would be off the mark; it’s basically the same old lowbrow and slapstick gags, this time revolving around a tv station called M (for mouse) TV (the rival is C[at] TV). There’s a good long chase scene and a blackface Indian called Guru. Is the buzz-saw magic routine a homage to THE WIZARD OF GORE? With Gam Guan and Lee Pang-Fei and a bizarre sci-fi dance. I laughed a few times and had a good time watching.

CONTRACT KILLER See: THE HITMAN (1998)

CONTROL FACTOR (2003 US) D: NELSON McCORMICK W: JOHN DOMBROW P: DEREK S. RAPPAPORT A hyperparanoid man with a shotgun blows away staff at Adam Baldwin’s insurance company office for no apparent reason. Baldwin is soon hearing voices in his own head to gun down his wife (Elizabeth Berkeley). This Toronto-lensed thriller is intriguing to begin with, but soon gets pretty silly when a highly implausible conspiracy involving brain wave manipulation is uncovered. Tony Todd co-stars, and John Neville turns out to be behind it all. With Mif, David Ferry and Raoul Bhaneja.

THE CONVENT (2000 US) D: MIKE MENDEZ W: CHATON ANDERSON P: JED NOLAN Some teens go to a supposedly haunted old convent/boarding school to fuck and get high, and are attacked by flesh-eating zombie nuns (and a priest). Bright blood squibs, decapitations and gore can’t save this exercise in tedium that has an air of smugness about it. I think it’s supposed to be a spoof of the genre but just irritates with very bad comedy. Adrienne Barbeau is the motorcycleriding, shotgun-toting woman who’s seen as the nuns’ killer in flashbacks. A pretty goth girl outcast is the heroine and Coolio is a cop. With Bill Moseley and screenwriter Anderson.

CONVENT OF THE SACRED BEAST See: SEIJU GAKUEN

CONVERGENCE (premonition) (1998 CAN) D/W: GAVIN WILDING W: RAUL INGLIS/JOHN FAIRLEY P: DIANE PATRICK O’CONNOR In this dull, pretentious X-FILES/MILLENIUM inspired movie, Cynthia Preston is the new journalist at a trashy New York Post-style tabloid in Washington who’s teamed up with world-weary, depressed Christopher Lloyd (who occasionally narrates). They see some weird stuff together, she seems to have some mental problems and you will fall asleep. An attempt at linking everything together at the end is pretty pathetic and futile. Everyone is very serious. Wilding edited as well. With Adrian Paul, Blu Mankuma, Rachel Hayward, A.J. Buckley and Philip Granger.

THE CONVERSATION (1974 US) D/W/P: FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA Gene Hackman is a surveillance and sound equipment expert who wishes he wasn’t when he accidentally picks up a conversation that points towards a larger conspiracy in this very highlyregarded low-key thriller made by Coppola between GODFATHER films. I appreciate the culminative effect that reaches a neat, memorable conclusion, but to be honest the extremely slow-moving journey is not one I’d wish to make again. Overrated I guess. With John Cazale, Allen Garfield, Frederic Forrest, Teri Garr, Harrison Ford and Robert Duvall.

CONVICT 762 (1997 US) D: LUCA BERCOVICI W: J. REIFEL P: JOHN EYRES/BARNET BAIN/MARYANN RIDINI An all-female spaceship crew is forced to refuel on a penal colony planet. But some highly dangerous killer convict has escaped. Could it be Frank Zagarino or Billy Drago? You don’t want to sit through this unbelievably uneventful and dull junk to find out.

CONVOY (1978 US) D: SAM PECKINPAH W: BILL L. NORTON P: ROBERT M. SHERMAN Rubber Duck (Kris Kristofferson) is a truck driving legend who heads an endless convoy of trucks through the desert after he and his friends are backed into a corner by mean cop Ernest Borgnine. Politicians and the media completely misunderstand and misrepresent their actions as a “protest”, and we get to hear Burt Young say, “good buddy”. I have a soft spot for this ever since I saw it on tv as a child, and I think many others consider it a “guilty pleasure”. As long as you don’t expect any more than Peckinpah-lite. With Ali McGraw, Madge Sinclair, Seymour Cassel, Jorge Russek, Spec O’Donnell, Franklyn Ajaye and Peckinpah. The late, great director worked uncredited on Don Siegel’s JINXED!(1982) next before making his final picture THE OSTERMAN WEEKEND.

CONWAY See: THE PROTECTOR: KRAGO’S ISLAND

COOGAN’S BLUFF (1968 US) D/P: DON SIEGEL W: HERMAN MILLER/DEAN RIESNER/HOWARD RODMAN Clint Eastwood is an old-fashioned macho Arizona cop who tracks hippy fugitive Don Stroud in New York City. This entertaining thriller has Clint in a psychedelic club where a band plays “the pigeon toed orange peel” and Eastwood says things like “the colour of pity… is red”. With Lee J. Cobb, David Doyle, Meg Myles, Seymour Cassel, Marjorie Bennett, James McEachin, Susan Clark and Siegel.

THE COOK, THE THIEF, HIS WIFE AND HER LOVER (le cuisiner, le voleur, sa femme et son amant; spica) (1989 UK NETH FRA) D/W: PETER GREENAWAY P: KEES KASANDER More pretentious stuff from Greenaway. This one received more attention than most of his work because of some controversial elements. Michael Gambon is a violent, loud and egotistical London gangster whose wife (Helen Mirren) and some victims avenge themselves against. A man is covered in dog shit, a kid is forced to eat buttons and it ends with some (badly done) cannibalism. Some characters’ clothes change from room to room. With Tim Roth, Ian Dury, Richard Bohringer, Gary Olsen, Ron Cook, Ciaran Hinds and Roger Ashton-Griffiths. I don’t like it much, but it is very precisely composed, so if you are going to watch you might as well go uncut and widescreen.

THE COOL AND THE CRAZY (1958 US) D: WILLIAM WITNEY W: RICHARD C. SARAFIAN P: ELMER C. RHODEN JR. Trend-setting b/w AIP drug expose movie is more laughable than shocking nowadays, but is good fun for those who can appreciate dynamic, hysterical teen exploitation from another era. Dick Bakalyan stars, with Dickie Jones. Screenwriter Sarafian later directed the cult classic VANISHING POINT.

THE COOL AND THE CRAZY (1994 US) D/W: RALPH BAKSHI P: LOU ARKOFF/DEBRA HILL/WILLE KUTNER One of the most boring in Showtime’s Rebel Highway series of juvenile delinquent movies with titles stolen from old AIP releases (and far from Bakshi’s finest hour, too). Alicia Silverstone is a bored young housewife who plays around with a guy who’s bad news. Jared Leto is her husband. With Christine Harnos (from COLD DOG SOUP), Bradford Tatum, John Hawkes and John Kapelos. Worth missing.

COOL AS ICE (1991 US) D: DAVID KELLOGG W: DAVID STENN P: CAROLYN PFEIFFER/LIONEL WIGRAM Vanilla Ice doesn’t sweat it on the mic coz he’s cool as ice in this embarrassing rap craze movie that will just get more entertaining with age. Ice is a motorcycle riding rapping drifter who falls for a college girl while in a small-town. He also rescues her little brother from kidnappers and wears some truly horrifying clothes. With Candy Clark, Michael Gross, Sidney Lassick, Naomi Campbell (singing) and Jack McGee.

COOL DIMENSION (2006 JPN) D: YOSHIKAZU ISHII W: MIDORI SATO/NORIHISA YAMAMOTO P: SHINJIRO ISOBE/TOSHIHIKO KITAMURA/HIDEO YAMAMATO Three PVC-clad martial arts fighting women (including Yoko Mitsuya, posing as a scandal sheet reporter) star in this one. Kennichi Endo is the Charlie to their Angels. The plot involves the search for a missing man in possession of career-destroying corruption evidence on a devious politician (who enjoys watching another man fuck his girl in the only scene involving nudity). She discovers that her employer may not be on the good guys’ side. A very boring 72 low-budget mins. With a cameo from former idol Yuka Onishi and motorcycle POV rides through Tokyo.

COOLEY HIGH (1975 US) D: MICHAEL SCHULTZ W: ERIC MONTE P: STEVE KRANTZ This comedic slice-of-life drama is about black youths in Chicago 1964. Glynn Turman stars as the poet Preach (he was also in J.D.’s REVENGE). Recent rereleases make it look like a typical blaxploitation vehicle, but it’s actually an AMERICAN GRAFFITI-inspired rites of passage/nostalgia classic. With Lawrence Hilton Jacobs and Robert Townsend. Schultz also made CAR WASH (1976), while a short-lived tv series based on COOLEY (in 1976) was called What’s Happening!

COOL IT BABY (1967 US) D/P: “GIL KAMIA” (LOU CAMPA) D/W: “L.A. CIDECK” (JOE MARZANO) (uncredited) W: L. PALISANO The above credits for this b/w New York nudie movie are not necessarily accurate, but they are close. In a “courtroom” (a badly furnished office) several witnesses testify against Mistress Monica, who runs a vice operation involving drugs, blackmail, pornographic films, orgies and a “bizarre ritual”. A torture scene involves heated pliers! This forgotten sleaze should please the right people (you know who you are). Campa and Marzano (who also acts here) are behind the incredible VENUS IN FURS, too. From Boxoffice International.

THE COOL SURFACE (1994 US) D/W: ERIK ANJOU P: STEPHAN BATAILLARD Robert Patrick plays a struggling writer who gets involved in a weird, erotic mindfuck of a relationship with actress neighbour Teri Hatcher. Pathetic and annoying attempt at a thought-provoking erotic thriller is filled with awful “meaningful” dialogue and has a terrible ending that suggests a real non-talent behind it. Avoid.

COOL WORLD (1992 US) D: RALPH BAKSHI W: MICHAEL GRAIS/MARK VICTOR P: FRANK MANCUSO JR. I think Bakshi is one of the most underrated animators of all time, but this mix of live-action and cartoons intended to be the more adult side of ROGER RABBIT is a serious misfire and painfully unfunny. Gabriel Byrne stars as a cartoonist who wants to have sex with his Kim Basinger cartoon character in an alternate ‘toon world where sex with “doodles” is forbidden. I like the retro animation but am hard pushed to find anything else good to say about it. With Brad Pitt, Greg Collins, Candi Milo, Frank Sinatra Jr., Paul Ben-Victor and Deirde O’Connell.

COP (blood on the moon) (1988 US) D/W/P: JAMES B. HARRIS P: JAMES WOODS After the underrated FAST WALKING, Harris and Woods teamed up again for this excellent, surprising (and criminally ignored) thriller based on James Ellroy’s Blood On The Moon. Woods stars as a burnt-out cop after a killer, and that’s all I can divulge without spoiling anything. With Lesley Anne Warren, Charles Durning and Raymond J. Barry. Recommended.

THE COP IN BLUE JEANS (squandra antiscippo) (1975 ITL) D/W: BRUNO CORBUCCI W: MARIO AMENDOLA P: GALLIANO JUSO Tomas Milian is the SERPICO-inspired unconventional long-haired undercover cop Nico Giraldi who rides a motorbike. He’s after crime boss Jack Palance in this surprisingly lacklustre 70s Eurocrime thriller that lacks nasty violence, or even a decent car chase! With Tom Ucci. It must have been a hit though because 10 sequels (starting with HIT SQUAD) followed.

COPKILLER See: CORRUPT

COP LAND (1997 US) D/W: JAMES MANGOLD P: CARY WOODS/CATHY KONRAD/EZRA SWERDLOW NYPD cops in the 70s looking to get out of the city set-up a “cop land” in New Jersey. Sylvester Stallone is very good as the alcoholic has-been sheriff who eventually decides not to turn his head to the corruption when hero cop Michael Rapaport becomes the target of Harvey Keitel and his cronies after he fucks up. Intriguing story is handled like a straight action thriller, but it’s still solid entertainment. Robert DeNiro is an investigator (his and Keitel’s first film together since TAXI DRIVER), with Ray Liotta, Robert Patrick, Annabella Sciorra, Peter Berg, Janene Garofalo, Cathy Moriarty, John Spencer, Frank Vincent, Arthur J. Nascarella, Edie Falco, Paul Calderon, John Doman, Deborah Harry, Vincent Laresca, Robert Burke, John Ventimiglia, Method Man, Tony Sirico and Geraldo Rivera.

COPPERHEAD (the snake) (2008 US) D: TODOR CHAPKAROV W: RAFAEL JORDAN P: JEFFERY BEACH/PHILLIP J. ROTH For no apparent reason, thousands of (cheap CGI) copperhead snakes (including one really big one) descend upon an old west town full of outlaws. Brad Johnson stars as Wild Bill, who leads the townsfolk in a fight for survival. Billy Drago (in the somewhat similar TREMORS 4) is about at the beginning as a badass, but alas disappears quite soon. Todd Jensen is the arsehole sheriff. Very, very silly but also quite fun, all things considered, a notch above most sci-fi movies. Shot in Bulgaria.

COPS AND ROBBERS (1973 US) D: ARAM AVAKIAN W: DONALD E. WESTLAKE P: ELLIOTT KASTNER NYC beat cops Cliff Gorman (who kinda reminds me of John Turturro) and Joseph Bologna claim that “everybody hustles” and plot to steal millions in bail bonds for mob-connected fence John P. Ryan. Shot on location in a hot, sweltering New York, Westlake’s novel comes to life as a low-key gem. Well worth catching. With Joe Spinell, Lane Smith and Martin Kove as “ambulance attendant”.

COPS VS. THUGS (kenkei tai soshiki boroyoku) (1975 JPN) D: KINJI FUKASAKU W: KAZUO KASAHARA Bunta Sugawara (MODERN YAKUZA: OUTLAW KILLER) plays against type as a cop in this one, but a cop who accepts perks from the local Kurashima City yakuza in exchange for insider information. Hiroki Matsukata (HOKURIKU PROXY WAR) co-stars as a yakuza in this great, underrated action movie (set in 1963) that shows how alike opposite sides of the law can be when an uncorruptable new police captain (Tatsuo Umemiya) steamrolls over the old, lax relationship between them and enforces a new squeaky clean attitude against crime. With Mikio Narita, Shingo Yamashiro, Takuzo Kawatani and Kunie Tanaka.

COPYCAT (1995 US) D: JON AMIEL W: ANN BIDERMAN/ DAVID MARSDEN P: ARNON MILCHAN/MARK TARLOV A serial killer (Harry Connick Jr.) kills victims in ways mimicking earlier famous killers. Sigourney Weaver is an agoraphobic famous writer of books on killers who helps cop Holly Hunter catch him. The clever murderer taunts Weaver and sends clues to the police. This intelligent well made thriller has an excellent thought-provoking downbeat ending. With Dermot Mulroney, William MacNamara, Will Patton and John Rothman. When I originally saw this at its full-length (two hours or so) I felt it dragged, but a shorter version (by 30 mins!) edited for Japanese tv (but with all the violence intact) was far better paced. As much as I hate to advocate this kind of action, I enjoyed the film a lot more the second time.

CORD See: HIDE AND SEEK (1999)

THE CORE (2003 US UK) D: JON AMIEL W/P: COOPER LAYNE W: JOHN ROGERS P: SEAN BAILEY/DAVID FOSTER College profesor Aaron Eckhart works out that a series of freak occurrences (like a mass pigeon attack in Trafalgar Square) is in fact due to the electromagnetic field around the Earth breaking up, a result of the core’s liquid content slowing down. He acompanies pompous Stanley Tucci, cheerful Tcheky Karyo and NASA pilots Hilary Swank and Bruce Greenwood in joining Dleroy Lindo in his specially designed craft that clears solid matter with an ultrasonic gun into the centre of the Earth. Here they plan to restart the core with megaton explosives in what’s almost an enjoyable slice of hi-tech hokum updating the likes of UNKNOWN WORLD. But far too much ineffective audience manipulation, an overload of Hollywood rewrite superclichés and severe overlength (135 mins) spoil it. With D.J. Qualls, Christopher Shyer, Ray Galletti, Eileen Pedde, Glenn Morshower, Richard Jenkins, Alfre Woodard, Fred Ewanvick, Hrothgar Mathews, Claire Riley and Natahniel DeVeaux.

THE CORPSE GRINDERS (1972 US) D/W/P: TED V. MIKELS W: JOSEPH CRANSTON/ARCH HALL SR. When cats start attacking and killing their owners a doctor and his nurse girlfriend seem to have nothing better to do than investigate this strange appetite for human flesh. It leads to a cat food company that put human corpses through a meat grinder and use the mince for their product. This very silly DIY feature from Mikel (he also edited and did the music and sound) is not as outrageous as its great title implies, but has something endearing about it. The acting is atrocious. A sequel followed almost 30 years later.

THE CORPSE VANISHED See: REVENGE OF THE ZOMBIES (1943)

THE CORPSE VANISHES (the case of the missing brides) (1942 US) D: WALLACE FOX W: HARVEY GATES/SAM ROBINS/GERALD SCHNITZER P: JACK DIETZ/SAM KATZMAN Brides are mysteriously dropping dead at the altar after being given rare poisonous orchids. Then a (fake) ambulance arrives to steal the bodies. Reporter Luana Walters and doctor Tristram Coffin investigate and end up staying the night at Coffin’s old associate Bela Lugosi’s house. Bela’s wife’s desire to remain young is the reason behind everything in this standard Bela/ Katzman mystery fare. My favourite part was seeing Bela’s dwarf assistant (Angelo Rossitto of course) laughing and rubbing his hands with glee when Bela whips the other hunchback assistant. With Minerva Urecal, Joan Barclay (celebrity bride-to-be in peril), Kenneth Harlan, Vice Barnett, Frank Moran, George Edredge, Eddie Kane, Murdock MacQuarrie and Frank O’Connor.

CORRUPT (copkiller; corrupt lieutenant; order of death; copkiller-l’assassino dei polizotti) (1983 ITL) D/W: ROBERTO FAENZA W: HUGH FLEETWOOD/ ENNIO DE CONCINI P: ELDA FERRI Someone is killing corrupt NYPD drug squad cops in this curious adaption of Fleetwood’s novel The Order Of Death. Harvey Keitel is just such a corrupt Lieutenant who has a secret apartment overlooking Central Park West (under a different name). John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten from The Sex Pistols and PiL) is surprisingly good as a strange young man who has Keitel under surveillance and turns up at his posh apartment claiming to be the cop killer. Keitel keeps Lydon locked up, abuses him and makes him eat out of a dog bowl. As a psychological thriller it doesn’t quite cut it, it’s overlong and the plot convolutions are unconvincing. However it is at very least an interesting failure with some fascinating SM overtones, and watching Keitel and Lydon is rewarding. The music is by Ennio Morricone.

CORRUPTION (laser killer) (1967 UK) D: ROBERT HARTFORD-DAVIS W: DONALD and DEREK FORD P: PETER NEWBROOK Surgeon Peter Cushing is partly responsible for a falling floodlamp disfiguring his beautiful young model fiancée Sue Lloyd’s face during a fight at a party. He uses a laser beam to return her to her old self, but needs a succession of pituitary glands to stop her skin from regressing. Cue claustrophobic POV close-ups of Cushing attacking young women and removing their heads! A longer alternate cut (LASER KILLER) makes it sleazier, and it’s a shock to see Cushing doing such things! The ending evokes dead hippies and cyclical continuation, dating it to the swinging 60s, but that just makes it more fun to watch now. With Kate O’Mara, David Lodge and Anthony Booth. It’s from Titan, who also released Hartford-Davis’ INCENSE FOR THE DAMNED. “Peter Saxon” (a Paperback Library house pseudonym, this time possibly covering for Wilfred Glassford McNeilly) wrote a Corruption paperback the same year, whether it is a novelisation or a loose tie-in I have no idea. See also SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN.

CORRUPT LIEUTENANT See: CORRUPT

THE CORRUPTOR (n.y.p.d. 15) (1999 US) D: JAMES FOLEY W: ROBERT PUCCI P: DAN HALSTED Mark Wahlberg is the new cop with “yellow fever” assigned to Chow Yun-Fat’s Chinatown beat. Naked boat-women turn up in dumpsters and corruption seems to be a way of life, but there are a few surprises in this ok, watchable thriller (it’s better than Fat’s previous crossover attempt THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS). Some critics (usually Hong Kong movie fans) seem to go out of their way to deride it, but I wasn’t that passionately opposed to it. Take it or leave it. With Brian Cox, Paul Ben-Victor, Bill MacDonald and Beau Starr. Oliver Stone was an executive producer.

COSMIC MONSTERS See: THE STRANGE WORLD OF PLANET X

COSMIC PRINCESS (1976 UK) D: CHARLES CRICHTON/PETER MEDAK W: JOHNNY BYRNE W/P: “CHARLES WOODGROVE” (FRED FREIBERGER) P: GERRY ANDERSON Here are two episodes of the poor tv sci-fi series Space 1999 (created by Gerry and Sylvia Anderson) as a feature-length release. Martin Landau and Barbara Bain are the regular stars, and Brian Blessed looks very silly as the guest villain, Mentor. Unfortunately, they didn’t use the great theme music, the only thing about the show worth catching. With Anouska Hempel and Nick Brimble.

COSMONAUTS ON VENUS See: THE PLANET OF STORMS

COSMOS KILLER See: MIAMI GOLEM

COSMOS: WAR OF THE PLANETS See: WAR OF THE PLANETS (1978)

THE COTTON CLUB (1984 US) D/W: FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA W: MARIO PUZO/WILLIAM KENNEDY P: ROBERT EVANS Richard Gere is Dixie Dwyer, a jazz trumpeter from Harlem who inadvertently saves gangster Dutch Schultz (James Remar)’s life, and enters the exclusive sphere of mobsters and stars who frequented the infamous titular club, where talented black artists performed for a whites-only clientele. The time period is tail end Roaring Twenties through to the early years of the Depression. Schultz grows envious of the good-looking, dapper and suave Gere, who chases his girl (Diane Lane) and even makes good in Hollywood. Meanwhile Gere’s brother (Nicolas Cage) is a troublesome underling who wants to challenge Schultz’s power (a character based on Mad Dog Coll, down to the shooting of a child [Sofia Coppola, by the way] in a cross-fire). Gregory Hines plays a tap dancing character modelled after Bojangles (who he did play in a later movie, based on a book by Jim Haskin, as is this). Larry Fishburne is a black gangster fighting back against Schultz’s oppression (based on the real Bumpy Johnson, who he later played in HOODLUM). This Zoetrope production disappointed many when it was new — hardly surprising as it was a gangster movie made by the same people (Coppola and Puzo) responsible for THE GODFATHER movies, still fresh in people’s minds as genre classics. But THE COTTON CLUB is actually very good, a stylish semi-musical reimagining of the films of Hollywood’s yesteryear, and the cast is pretty interesting. With Lonette McKee, Fred Gwynne, Bob Hoskins, Tom Waits, Mario Van Peebles, Joe Dallesandro (as Lucky Luciano), Ed O’Ross, Allen Garfield, Gwen Verdon, Jennifer Grey, Julian Beck, John P. Ryan, Woody Strode, James Russo, Giancarlo Esposito, Bill Cobbs, Tom Signorelli, Mark Margolis. Diane Venora is Gloria Swanson, and others play Duke Ellington, Cab Calloway, Charlie Chaplin and James Cagney.

COTTON CANDY (1978 US) D/W: RON HOWARD W: CLINT HOWARD P: JOHN THOMAS LENNOX Charles Martin Smith forms a high school band called Cotton Candy that practice in a garage and have a female drummer. Clint Howard is their manager. They compete against the more established Rapid Fire (who can only play I Shot The Sheriff). Very light tv movie may be of nostalgic interest to some viewers. With Alvy Moore and associate producer Rance Howard.

COTTON COMES TO HARLEM (1970 US) D/W: OSSIE DAVIS W: ARNOLD PERL P: SAMUEL GOLDWYN JR. This black action comedy hit, based on Chester Himes’ novel, deserves more attention. It was released before the more famous SWEET SWEETBACK’S BADASSSSS SONG and SHAFT, and is more fun than both. Godfery Cambridge and Raymond St. Jacques are Harlem cops Gravedigger Jones and Coffin Ed. They investigate a scamming preacher (Calvin Lockhart from THE BEAST MUST DIE) who has a stash of money hidden in a bale of cotton. Pretty funny and action-packed, with a lighter touch than the novels (for example, Coffin is not an acidscarred borderline psychopath). With Cleavon Little, Red Foxx, John Anderson and Albert Hall. COME BACK, CHARLESTON BLUE was a follow up.

COUNTDOWN See: HUMAN TIMEBOMB

COUNTDOWN IN KUNG FU See: THE HAND OF DEATH

COUNT DRACULA See: BRAM STOKER’S COUNT DRACULA

COUNT DRACULA AND HIS VAMPIRE BRIDE See: THE SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA

COUNTER ATTACK See: THE CHINESE STUNT MAN

COUNTER DESTROYER See: ROBO VAMPIRE

COUNTERFEIT COMMANDOS See: THE INGLORIOUS BASTARDS

COUNTERFORCE (renegade force; rogue force; six angry men) (1995 US) D: MARTIN KUNERT W/P: ALAN SCHECHTER W: RICK BLOGGS Michael Rooker is an FBI agent who helps a cop catch a vigilante death squad SWAT team (led by Robert Patrick) that is offing known criminals. EXTREME JUSTICE was a better variation on the same theme.

COUNTER MEASURES (crash dive 2) (1997 US) D/P: FRED OLEN RAY W: STEVE LATSHAW Michael Dudikoff does his DIE HARD copy thing again as a naval medical officer aboard a submarine controlled by Russian terrorists ready to fire nuclear missiles. A female assistant helps him kick dull generic ass. With Francine York, Robert Donovan, Hannes Jaenicke and Oleg Taktarov.

COUNTESS DRACULA (1970 UK) D/W: PETER SASDY W: ALEXANDER PAAL W: JEREMY PAUL Despite being made by the interesting Sasdy, this Hammer version of the Elizabeth (Erzsbert) Báthory story doesn’t really work that well. Ingrid Pitt (whose voice has been dubbed over) is the 18th century Hungarian countess who must bathe in the blood of virgins to remain youthful. Nigel Green is her servant who obtains young female victims. It’s more of a slow-moving, lurid melodrama than a horror movie, but it does have its moments. Based on Valentine Penrose’s The Bloody Countess. With Maurice Denham, Peter Jeffrey, Lesley Anne-Down and Marianne Stone. Other Báthory movies include DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1971), THE FEMALE BUTCHER and part of the anthology IMMORAL TALES.

COUNTRY NURSE See: EMANUELLE IN THE COUNTRY

COUNT YORGA, VAMPIRE (the loves of count iorga, vampire) (1970 US) D/W/P: ROBERT (BOB) KELLJAN P: MICHAEL MacREADY This surprise AIP hit is unremarkable but solid, and features Robert Quarry as a very likeable vampire in modern-day LA. Not particularly gory, funky or outrageous, but a good vampire movie that’s worth catching. With Roger Perry, Michael Murphy, MacReady (whose father George narrates), Edward Walsh, and Marsha Jordan as a vampire. More fun and freewheeling was the sequel THE RETURN OF COUNT YORGA.

COURAGEOUS AVENGER (1935 US) D: ROBERT N. BRADBURY W: CHARLES F. ROYAL P: A.W. HACKEL Passable one-hour b/w western programmer stars Johnny Mack Brown as the hero out to solve a series of gold bullion robberies from stagecoaches. The villains force men to work as slaves at a silver mine in the desert. People are shot with silver bullets. With Warner P. Richmond, Eddie Parker, Ed Cassidy, Forrest Taylor, Earl Dwire, Bob Burns, Jim Corey, Art Dillard, Herman Hack, George Morrell, Fred Parker, Francis Walker and Wally West.

THE COURIER (1988 UK IRE) D/W: FRANK DEASY D: JOE LEE P: HILARY McLOUGHLIN Following an accident, a motorcycle courier in Dublin discovers he’s carrying a shitload of money belonging to drug-dealing gangster Gabriel Byrne. Byrne wants him dead when he makes off with it, and the cops (including Patrick Bergin) want Byrne. A diamond robbery is also part of the plot in this realistic but dull Irish crime movie. With Ian Bannen, Aidan Gillen and Pogues bassist Cait O’Riordan. Neil Jordan was the executive producer and Elvis Costello provides the music (as “Declan McManus”).

COVERT ACTION See: OPERATION 7: WASHINGTON

COVER UP (1974) See: FRIGHTMARE

THE COWBOY AND THE FRENCHMAN (le cowboy et le frenchman) (1988 FRA) D/W: DAVID LYNCH P: DANIEL TOSCAN DU PLANTIER In this short film (part of an unrelated series by different foreign filmmakers concerning their views on France), hard-of-hearing cowboy Harry Dean Stanton and ranch hands Tracey Walter and Jack Nance catch a stereotyped Frenchman like cattle and make friends with him. A rare out-and-out comedy from Lynch, it’s light and relatively amusing. Stanton (“what the hell?”) is great.

COWBOY BEBOP: KNOCKIN’ ON HEAVEN’S DOOR (cowboy bebop: tengoku no tobira) (2001 JPN ANIMATED) D: SHINICHIRO WATANABE W: KEIKO NOBUMOTO/HAJIME YATATE P: MASUO UEDA/ MASAHIKO MINAMI/MINORU TAKAHASHI Bigscreen spin-off from the popular animated tv series, Cowboy Bebop, has bounty hunter Spike and Co tracking a bio-terrorist who’s spreading an unknown, incurable virus in an unspecified, international city of the future. Uneven feature shows the strain of adopting this full-length format, but overall very good, and the very realistic and fluid animation is top-notch. One of the voices in the English-language version is provided by Mickey Curtis.

COYOTE MOON See: INFERNO (1999)

CRACKERJACK (hard jacker) (1994 US) D: MICHAEL MAZO W: MICHAEL BAFARO/JONAS QUASTEL P: LLOYD A. SIMANDL/ALEX WOLFE Thomas Ian Griffith is a vacationing cop who battles terrorists led by Christopher Plummer at a holiday resort in the mountains. They plan to blow up a glacier in this very boring DIE HARD copy (the first in a series). With Nastassja Kinski, Frank C. Turner, Vladimir Kulich and Duncan Fraser.

A CRACK IN THE FLOOR (2001 US) D: CORBY TIMBROOK D/W: SEAN STANEK P: S. NORRIS JOHNSON Nonsensical waste of space about a traumatised killer who lives in a secret basement in an abandoned old house in the woods, and his slaughter of vacationing teens. Gary Busey is the best thing as usual as a backwoods nut who makes a guy shove some fried chicken up his ass. With Mario Lopez, Justine (sister of Jason) Priestley, Bently Mitchum, Bo Hopkins as the sheriff, Rance Howard, Tracy Scoggins, David Naughton and Bill Erwin.

CRADLE OF FEAR (2000 UK) D/W: ALEX CHANDON P: EDDIE KANE This gory, overlong (two-hour) anthology horror from the guy who made PERVIRELLA is a homage to the output of Britain’s Amicus studios. A girl gets picked up by a guy in a goth/hardcore club, has sex with him and wakes up hallucinating. She thinks he spiked her drink, but a spider baby bursts out of her stomach. Two women break into an old woman’s house to steal a wad of cash. They smash her on the head but she just won’t die. A guy hits a tramp with his car while driving and snorting coke. He also cuts off another guy’s leg to replace the one he lost in an accident (prior to this we see his real stump in a surprising sex scene). The fourth segment is the best. Highly unlikely, but fun modern urban myth stuff about an interactive snuff movie website. The wraparound involves a weary cop and a serial killer in an asylum and his son, both somehow responsible for the first four stories. Chandon (who also edited) seems to show some flair sometimes, and this wasn’t quite as irritating as I expected it to be. Some of the FX are also excellent for such a low-budget movie. With Emily Booth/Bouffante, Eileen Daly (RAZOR BLADE SMILE), a cat being sacrificed, lots of swearing and a drum’n’bass soundtrack.

CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE (2003 US) D: ANDRZEJ BARTKOWIAK W: JOHN O’BRIEN/CHANNING GIBSON P: JOEL SILVER Taiwanese cop Jet Li is in LA to stop villain Mark Dacascos from selling compounded plutonium diamonds to the highest bidder. Career criminal DMX has the stones, so Damascos kidnaps his little girl. Anthony Anderson and Tom Arnold provide comic relief. Same old same old with brief highlights being Jet swinging a dwarf around and someone being stabbed with a lobster. With Kelly Hu, Chi McBride, Gabrielle Union and Martin Klebba. The director already made the Jet vehicle ROMEO MUST DIE, along with EXIT WOUNDS with DMX.

THE CRAFT (1996 US) D/W: ANDREW FLEMING W: PETER FILARDI P: DOUGLAS WICK Fairuza Balk, Robin Tunney, Rachel True and Neve Campbell are the Catholic schoolgirls who learn witchcraft. Tunney is the good one who teaches the other three a lesson when the power goes to their heads. It’s ok for kids and young teens, but is not exploitative enough to excite anyone else. With Helen Shaver, Cliff De Young, Skeet Ulrich, Christine Taylor, Breckin Meyer, Assumpta Serena and John Kapelos. Fleming also made the interesting BAD DREAMS.

CRANK (adrenaline) (2006 US UK) D/W: MARK NEVELDINE/BRIAN TAYLOR P: TOM ROSENBERG/MICHAEL DAVIS/GARY LUCCHESSI/SKIP WILLIAMSON/ RICHARD S. WRIGHT Assassin Jason Statham wakes up to find he’s been injected with a deadly, irreversible poison. He tears across LA to get posthumous revenge, and needs a constant adrenaline rush to stay alive. This is a fun concept for a cartoonish popcorn movie, and while this film is often more loud and flashy than inventive, and some of the bad taste gags are ill-advised, it’s not boring and is a step in the right direction for no nonsense, pure entertainment big-budget junk. With Amy Smart, Efren Ramirez, Dwight Yoakam, José Pablo Contello and Noel Gugliemi. CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE (2009) was a disappointing sequel that tried too hard.

CRASH (1996 CAN UK FRA) D/W/P: DAVID CRONENBERG This adaptation of J.G. Ballard’s 1973 novel caused a lot of controversy at the time of its release. Personally I found it to be insufferably dull (at 17). Watching it again at 31 (and after reading the book), my opinion has changed. James Spader crashes into Holly Hunter (and her husband, who dies). Upon release from hospital they find themselves attracted to cars, car wrecks and sex in cars. She introduces him to a world of famous car crash re-enactments and automobile sex fetishes, and the dangerous, mysterious and celebrity death crash obsessed Vaughan (Elias Koteas, who stands out among the uniformly excellent cast). Deborah Karr Unger is Spader’s wife, also a willing sex obsessed victim of this compulsive lifestyle. With Rosanna Arquette in leg braces, Peter MacNeill and Cronenberg’s voice. Cronenberg has given this unfilmable novel his best crack, I think, but I could relate to the characters in the novel better; the ones onscreen seem like unfathomable oddballs. Curiously, the film does play better if you have already read the novel, so Ballard fans were less disappointed than viewers going in cold. After four (!) viewings, I can finally appreciate it (Cronenberg being one of very few directors that I would invest such time in, trusting that I would finally see things his way. The man knows what he is doing).

CRASH AND BURN (junk wars 2035) (1990 US) D: CHARLES BAND W: J.S. CARDONE P: DAVID DeCOTEAU/JOHN SCHOUWEILER In 2030, there isn’t much of the ozone layer left, so humans live beneath the desolate land. This waste of time takes place at a tv station where one of the minimal cast is a cyborg spy and killer. Megan Ward is the teen in danger. At the end, a giant robot (animated by David Allen) walks about a bit. With Bill Moseley and Jack McGee. Cardone also directed SHADOWZONE for executive producer Band.

CRASH DIVE (op centre: next mission) (1996 US) D/P: ANDREW STEVENS W: WILLIAM C. MARTELL P: ASHOK AMRITRAJ Eastern European terrorists hijack a US nuclear submarine and threaten to fire missiles at Washington, DC, unless they receive $100m in gold. Michael Dudikoff stars as the submarine designer who sneaks aboard and… well, you know the drill. With Frederic Forest, Reiner Schone, Jay Acovone, Michael Cavanaugh, Time Winters and Amritraj.

CRASH DIVE 2 See COUNTER MEASURES

CRASH OF THE MOONS (1954 US) D: HOLLINGSWORTH MORSE W: WARREN WILSON P: ROLAND D. REED Rocky Jones (Richard Crane), sidekick Winky (Scotty Beckett), Vena Ray (Sally Mansfield), Prof. Newton (Maurice Cass) and that little kid return for another insufferable “feature” edited from episodes of the God-awful Rocky Jones, Space Ranger tv series. The plot involves two moons that are just about to collide, and the tyrannical bitch that rules over one of them. With Charles Meredith, Harry Lauter, John Banner, Nan Leslie, Lance Bradford and Rand Brooks.

CRASH POINT ZERO (extreme limits) (2000 US) D: “JAY ANDREWS” (JIM WYNORSKI) W: STEVE LATSHAW P: T.K. TERRIER In Siberia, antique weapon archaeologist John Beck finds Tesla’s Ray, a device of devastating power controlled by the mind. En route to Canada, terrorists after the device cause the plane to crash in the Rocky Mountains. Beck’s daughter goes on the run with the device (protected by a CIA agent, topbilled Treat Williams) while Beck and passengers try to survive (although the weather looks fine and the oft talked about bad conditions are never seen) while fighting off Bongo the bear (as himself). Susan Blakely, George “Buck” Flower, Hannes Jaenicke, Gary Hudson, Ava Fabian, Steve Franken, Lorissa McComas, John Putch, Richard Riehle, Nikki Fritz and Jack Shearer are also in the cast. A pathetic action movie with a terrible sense of humour.

THE CRATER LAKE MONSTER (u.m.a. 2002: lake monster) (1977 US) D/W/P: WILLIAM R. STROMBERG W: RICHARD CARDELLA There’s too much comic relief and talk in this very slow, old-fashioned monster movie filmed in Oregon. A meteor that lands in the title lake awakens a big old dinosaur. David Allen’s very good stop-motion FX are the only thing worth seeing it for. Cardella wrote himself the part of the local sheriff hero.

A CRAVING FOR LUST See: ISLAND OF DEATH

CRAWLERS See: THEY CRAWL

THE CRAWLING EYE See: THE TROLLENBERG TERROR (1958)

THE CRAWLING HAND (the creeping hand) (1963 US) D/W: HERBERT L. STROCK W: BILL IDLESON/JOSEPH CRANSTON P: JOSEPH F. ROBERTSON An astronaut on his way back from the Moon runs out of oxygen and his rocket destructs, but half of his arm (and shirt sleeve!) somehow lands on Earth (on a meteorite?). It crawls around and commits a series of murders and somehow possesses a teen (singer Rod Lauren, who died in 2007) in this offbeat b/w sci-fi horror. Unsuccessful but interesting attempt at something different. With Peter Breck, Kent Taylor, Arline Judge, former Miss Iceland Sirry Steffen in a bikini (and maybe even less in an export version, if rumours are true), Alan Hale Jr., Richard Arlen, Allison Hayes, Tristram Coffin and Syd Saylor. The Bird’s The Word by The Rivingtons is featured.

THE CRAWLING MONSTER See: THE CREEPING TERROR

CRAWLSPACE (1986 US) D/W: DAVID SCHMOELLER P: ROBERTO BESSI This Empire production filmed in Italy has been unfairly neglected for too long. It’s a lot better than most of the crap Charles Band’s companies have released over the years. An intense Klaus Kinski is an ex-Nazi who advertises for female boarders at his large house. He keeps a woman with no tongue in a cage, works on his memoirs, plays Russian roulette and crawls through ventilation ducts to spy on his tenants. The house is filled with booby traps. Talia Balsam figures it all out. The soundtrack by Pino Donaggio is put to good use, and it’s all strangely disturbing. Not brilliant, but different and worth a look, and, of course, a must for fans of Kinski (see also the companion short PLEASE KILL MR. KINSKI). With Tane McClure. If you appreciate this, check out the Japanese WALKER IN THE ATTIC.

CRAZED See: I DISMEMBER MAMA

THE CRAZIES (codename: trixie: the mad people) (1973 US) D/W: GEORGE A. ROMERO W: PAUL McCOLLOUGH P: A.C. CROFT A small town is quarantined by the military when a plane carrying an experimental new “vaccine” crashes and the local water supply is infected with a virus that turns people into crazy killers. The powers that be decide whether they should nuke the town, while a war zone erupts between the pushy troops and gun-owning locals. A small group trying to escape the town perimeters includes Lynn Lowry from that other infection horror I DRINK YOUR BLOOD. One of Romero’s lesser known films is a pretty good thriller that shows how poor military organisation can make matters worse. Romero is the mayor. There was a pretty good remake in 2010.

CRAZY BOY AND POP-EYE See: THE DRAGON, THE ODDS

CRAZY COPS (neung kao neung krueng mue prab sab laew puan) (2003 THAI) D/W: BOONSONG NARPHOO P: CHANCHAI PANTASI A serious young cop is teamed with an oafish older Bangkok street cop who just wants to take it easy. A pretty female photojournalist follows them around. The plot of this comedy involves a country boy searching for his brother, a retard who likes Arnold Schwarzenegger and drug peddling. It’s not funny. With an animated opening credit sequence and a dwarf.

CRAZY FAMILY (gyaku funsha kazoku) (1984 JPN) D/W: TOSHIHIRO (SOGO) ISHII W: NORIO KAMINAMI/ YOSHINORI KOBAYASHI P: BANMEI TAKAHASHI Commuting businessman Katsuya Kobayashi moves his family to a new home just outside Tokyo. They find a termite mound under the house, and grampa decides to move in. These are the first two problems that set the family bickering in a deceptive, lighthearted manner. Watch out when Ishii (CRAZY THUNDER ROAD) kicks into high gear and portrays a demented, dysfunctional family trying to kill one another. To explain any more here would spoil the surprise. A must-see pitch black satire with an amazing ending. With Yuki Kudo (later in MYSTERY TRAIN) as the teen daughter and Masaki Tamura’s top-notch camerawork. Screenwriter Kobayashi is known for writing manga. Ishii didn’t direct a theatrical feature again until ANGEL DUST in 1994.

CRAZY FAT ETHEL See: CRIMINALLY INSANE

CRAZY GUY WITH SUPER KUNG FU (three donkeys) (1979 TAI) D/W: WONG LUNG Lee Yi Min stars in this extremely silly kung fu comedy that has enough passable fight scenes to make it worthwhile for completists, but has little else to recommend it. Unless, of course, you’re dying to see Dean Shek in drag. With Pang Gang, Mark Long, Wong Chi Sang, Ngai Ping Ngo, Cheng Fu Hung, Lee Man Tai, Yuee Yuen, Lee Kwan, Au Lap Bo, Su Chen Ping and an extremely effeminate gay fighter.

CRAZY JOE (dead centre) (1992 US) D: STEVE CARVER W: STEPHEN PETERS P: MENAHEM GOLAN/AMI ARTZI Justin Lazard is a street hoodlum who also kills people (R.G. Armstrong is an art dealer killed in the first scene). He’s caught by the cops and handed over to a top secret organisation that trains young assassins. Rachel York is his mentor. David Carradine is his first hit. He can’t stop killing because a bomb’s been implanted in his head. Yeah, it’s a gender switch NIKITA clone. Despite some unexpected, thoughtful touches, it’s a bad one. Screenwriter Peters has a part. It’s from Golan’s 21st Century.

CRAZY KUNG FU See: KUNG FU HUSTLE

CRAZY LEGS (off the mark) (1986 US) D/W: BILL BERRY W/P: TEMPLE MATTHEW A guy with “involuntary galloping spasmosis” or “crazy legs” enters a triathlon (along with his slutty girlfriend, Terry Farrell, and black friend Andre Rosey Brown, who has to learn not to act white) to beat a longtime childhood Russian bully nemesis. The AIRPLANE!-style gags in this spoof are very poor indeed. With Norman Alden, Barry Corbin, John Doucette, Michael Berryman and Billy Barty.

CRAZY LIPS (hakkyosuru kuchibiru) (2000 JPN) D: HIROHISA SASAKI W: HIROSHI TAKAHASHI P: TAKA ICHISE/MAKOTO ISHIHARA/NAOTO KUMAZAWA Little girls are being found around Tokyo with their heads missing. The prime suspect has vanished, so locals harass his family (mother and two sisters) while a media frenzy escalates outside their suburban house. They hire a female psychic detective who proceeds to fuck with them mentally while her male assistant fucks them physically. The mother goes crazy, the “innocent” daughter/heroine has unclear psychic abilities (and is made to fuck a dead cop) and the other, always horny, daughter is raped. Meanwhile, newscaster Ren Osugi seems to speak to them directly from the tv and dances about in a leotard. There’s a musical number and alleged comedy. I guess it’s supposed to be a wacky black comedy, but it’s more tiresome than shocking or funny. With Hiroshi Abe as an FBI agent, and Shiro Shimomoto. Screenwriter Takahashi also adapted the hit 1998 version of RING. Followed by GORE FROM OUTER SPACE (2001).

CRAZY MONKEY See: FEARLESS HYENA

THE CRAZY RAY (paris qui dort; le rayon invisible; at 3:25) (1923 FRA) D/W: RENÉ CLAIR P: HENRI DIAMANT-BERGER Clair’s directorial debut is a delightful b/w silent sci-fi fantasy. A guy who works up the Eiffel Tower descends to the streets to discover that Paris is “asleep”. The residents seem to have all been frozen in their tracks, in the middle of whatever they were doing (including a band). He meets others unaffected, like him, who were on a plane when the freeze occurred. They decide to live like kings and take anything they want, but soon they get bored and fight each other. Then they discover it’s all been the work of a mad scientist and his “crazy ray”. An attempt to reverse the process speeds everything up! Great stuff. With Marcel Vallee and Albert Prejeam.

CRAZY RIDICULOUS AMERICAN PEOPLE See: THIS IS AMERICA

CRAZY SIX (1998 US) D: ALBERT PYUN W: GALEN YUEN P: TOM KARNOWSKI/GARY SCHMOELLER More useless time-wasting crap from Pyun. The once popular stars looking for work are Rob Lowe, Mario Van Peebles, Ice T and Burt Reynolds. Lowe is an American crack addict down and out in crimeridden Eastern Europe (it was filmed in the Czech Republic). He rips off drug-dealer Ice T with some friends but is double-crossed by Peebles. The rest of this slow-moving, no action “thriller” has cop Reynolds and Peebles chasing after Lowe. Ivana Milicevic is an ex-junky nightclub singer in love with Lowe. With Norbert Weisser and Thomas Morris. This is not so much a film as a collection of footage with an excuse for a story. Avoid.

CRAZY THUNDER ROAD (kuruizaki thunder road) (1980 JPN) D/W: TOSHIHIRO (SOGO) ISHII W: MASUMI HIRAYANAGI W/P: MITSUHIKO AKITA P: KO KOBAYASHI Disgusted when his gang sells out to merge with another, weaker biker group, a diehard biker leaves with a few other members to start his own gang. But a right-wing street army (led by Nenji Kobayashi) threatens them, so they must join their ranks. When our young rebellious anti-hero decides he’s had enough and leaves, his hand is chainsawed off. Desperate and crazed, he locates some guns and a bazooka and goes on a killing spree at the end. This low-budget (futuristic?) action movie is overlong and not too impressive, until you realise that it was Ishii’s Tokyo university graduation film! Toei were so impressed that they blew it up from 16mm to 35 and released it theatrically. Ishii had already made one feature prior to this (PANIC IN HIGH SCHOOL). His next was the post-apocalyptic car chase movie BURST CITY. He also made some shorts between these. The music, incidentally, is from DEATH POWDER director and counterculture icon Shigeru Izumiya (who was also the art director).

THE CREATION OF THE HUMANOIDS (1962 US) D/P: WESLEY E. BARRY W: JAY SIMMS P: EDWARD J. KAY In a post-nuke world, humans live alongside humanoid robots with purple skin and no hair who they call “clickers” (a derogatory term). The Order of Flesh and Blood is a society of humans who resent their superior, unflappable logic and are trying to suppress technological advancements that will make the robots more human. This odd little micro-budget sci-fi (in bright colour) uses a soap opera-like love triangle plot to explore the philosophical complexities of such a world. Alternately cod and laughable, and surprisingly thoughtful, there is also a surprise ending out of leftfield. Andy Warhol’s favourite movie, allegedly. Worthwhile for seekers of cinematic oddities. With Dudley Manlove (of PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE fame) as one of the robots in makeup by Jack Pierce (one of his last jobs). The director also made several westerns and had been acting since the 1910s.

CREATURE (titan find) (1984 US) D/W/P: WILLIAM MALONE W: ALAN REED P: WILLIAM G. DUNN In the future, America and West Germany compete for control of space. An American crew of researchers travel to one of Saturn’s moons and discover an ancient alien construction designed to store different species from all over the galaxy. A cannibal creature stalks the astronauts and uses mind control on zombie slaves. Klaus Kinski is a mysterious German who turns up in this ALIEN copy. With Stan Ivar, Lyman Ward, Wendy Schaal, Marie Laurin and Diane Salinger. A character uses THE THING (FROM ANOTHER WORLD) (“a carrot from outer space”) as inspiration and there’s a couple of exploding heads. Otherwise pretty dull.

CREATURE FROM ANOTHER WORLD See: THE TROLLENBERG TERROR (1958)

CREATURE FROM BLACK LAKE (demon of the lake) (1976 US) D: JOY HOUCK JR. W/P: JIM McCULLOCH JR. P: JIM McCULLOCH SR. In this Howco release, two students from Chicago (one is John David Crason from PRETTY MAIDS ALL IN A ROW) drive to a small town in Louisiana to confirm sightings of Bigfoot. Sheriff Bill Thurman (from Larry Buchanan movies) is not too happy about it. A local (McCulloch Jr.) helps and sings a song with his dad (Dub Taylor) on the guitar. Old coot Jack Elam claims to have encountered the beast. It’s true that all this is a bit more involved than the usual 70s speculation/ travelogue picture, but it’s still not very good.

CREATURES See: FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

CREATURES FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE See: FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

CREATURES FROM THE ABYSS (plankton; piranha 4) (1994 ITL) D/P: AL PASSERI W: RICHARD BAUMANN This laughable horror movie has three girls and two guys being stranded at sea off the coast of Miami and taking refuge aboard a deserted yacht with a research laboratory on-board. After many bad monster POV shots, we learn that a fish contaminated with nuclear waste has mutated into a monster with a voracious sexual appetite. The highlight is a guy’s head transforming into a fish during a sex scene. One woman gives birth to a pile of fish eggs. The stop-motion FX are quite good, but they’re completely wasted and out of place here. The usual “surprise” ending rounds things out. Deran Sarafian is in the cast. The British movie PROTEUS later had a similar plot. [Illus.]

CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (black lagoon) (1954 US) D: JACK ARNOLD/CHARLES S. WELBOURNE W: HARRY ESSEX/ARTHUR A. ROSS/ MAURCEE ZIMM P: WILLIAM ALLAND This famous b/w Universal “classic” has a prehistoric gill-man (influential monster suit by Bud Westmore and Jack Kevan) terrorising a group of scientists (and woman-in-peril Julia Adams) on a boat in the Amazon jungle (actually Florida). It’s one of the few instances where 3D has been used effectively, and the underwater stalking camerawork (clearly shot in a tank, and not some tropical waterway) has been used ever since (especially after JAWS). With Richard Denning, Antonio Moreno, Nestor Paiva, Whit Bissell and Ricou Browning and Ben Chapman as the gill-man. It hasn’t really dated that well (and I suspect it wasn’t that great in the first place), so don’t expect to be blown away. REVENGE OF THE CREATURE was the first sequel.

CREATURE FROM THE HAUNTED SEA (1961 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: CHARLES B. GRIFFITH Filmgroup had already shot THE BATTLE OF BLOOD ISLAND and LAST WOMAN ON EARTH in Puerto Rico when Corman decided to squeeze out one more while they were down there. It’s far from his best and seems rushed even by Corman standards, but is a must-see comedy for fans. The story had already been filmed as NAKED PARADISE (and relocated for Monte Hellman’s BEAST FROM HAUNTED CAVE, more or less). It begins with animated credits. Anthony Carbone helps Cuban loyalists (who dance a lot) escape on his boat, along with their national treasure. The refugees need to be eliminated so he can get the goodies, so he invents a story about a sea monster while bumping them off. A highly amusing man-in-a-suit monster with goggle eyes does actually turn up in the fun climax. With Robert Towne, Betsy Jones-Moreland, Corman and a bizarre character who talks only in animal noises. The version you’ll see nowadays has some additional Hellman-lensed inserts to bring the running time up for tv sales.

THE CREATURE’S REVENGE See: BRAIN OF BLOOD

CREATURES THE WORLD FORGOT (1971 UK) D: DON CHAFFEY W/P: MICHAEL CARRERAS After LAND… and PEOPLE THAT TIME FORGOT, Hammer got rid of the dinosaurs and we get to see Julie Ege and other actors running around rocks half-naked in prehistoric times. Literally nothing happens, and I recall being hypnotised by its mind-numbingness while watching it on late-night tv. But that is not a recommendation. The locations are in Africa.

THE CREATURE WASN’T NICE (spaceship; naked space) (1981 US) D/W: BRUCE KIMMEL P: MARK HAGGARD This cheap ALIEN spoof is pretty stupid but amused me enough on a late-night, halfasleep viewing. Director Kimmel and Cindy Williams (THE FIRST NUDIE MUSICAL) are the heroes, Leslie Nielsen is the captain, Gerrit Graham is the horny, annoying copilot and Patrick Macnee is fun to watch as the scientist who discovers a substance that turns into a big one-eyed monster that sings I Wanna Eat Your Face (an undeniably funny scene). The exposed brain mutant from THIS ISLAND EARTH turns up as well. With Kenneth Tobey and clips from old sci-fi movies. [Illus.]

CREATURE WITH THE ATOM BRAIN (1955 US) D: EDWARD L. CAHN W: CURT SIODMAK He was already a veteran of several cheap programmers, but this was the first Chan outing in the sci-fi/horror genre. It’s not very good, but of interest in that it predates his INVISIBLE INVADERS, which in turn influenced George A. Romero’s NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. The plot involves dead men being resurrected via robotics and atomic power, and being sent out to kill their master’s enemies. It was pointed out to me that to cut down on editing, characters are always on the move within the scenes to keep things kinetic. It’s a strange effect once you notice. Sixty-eight b/w mins. With Richard Denning, Tristram Coffin, Gregory Gaye, Harry Lauter, Larry J. Blake, Charles Evans, Lane Chandler, Pierre Watkin, Richard H. Cutting, Don C. Harvey, Charles Horvath and Nelson Leigh. Sam Katzman as the uncredited executive producer.

CREEP (1995 US) D/W: TIM RITTER P: MICHAEL ORNELAS More gory, low-budget shot-in-Florida craziness from the man behind the TRUTH OR DARE series. An escaped con psycho (Joel D. Wynkoop, who says, “I kill therefore I am”) violently butchers people while on the run, and hooks up with his down-on-her-luck stripper/hooker sister (celebrity prostitute turned adult video star Kathy Willets, from NAKED SCANDAL: THE KATHY WILLETS STORY [1995]), kills her abusive drunk pimp husband, and together they kill more, indulge in necrophilic fantasies and remember being abused by their parents. A tough female cop with her own traumas and her chief of police dad are characters that further push the envelope of bad taste in this potentially depressing but surprisingly engaging horror with no redeeming characters or situations. I guess with a bigger budget polish it would be less appealing. With another adult video star (Cameo), death by blowtorch-to-the-face and a wild ending that seems to incorporate genuine disaster footage. I think I liked it. A dvd includes a Making Of doc by Ritter.

CREEP (2004 UK GER) D/W: CHRISTOPHER SMITH P: JULIA BAINES/JASON NEWMARK Franka Potente finds herself locked in a London tube station at night. A creepy mutant-looking cannibal (Sean Harris, who played Ian Curtis in 24 HR. PARTY PEOPLE) chases her through the vast tunnel/sewer labyrinth, complete with unlikely laboratory and underwater human cage prison. Nothing makes complete sense in this exciting, grotesque shocker, and this only adds to the great, nightmarish atmosphere. The best tubeset Brit horror flick since DEATH LINE, which must have been the main influence. With Vas Blackwood.

THE CREEPER See: RITUALS

THE CREEPERS (1971) See: IN THE DEVIL’S GARDEN

CREEPERS (1980) See: BLOODY BIRTHDAY

CREEPERS (1984) See: PHENOMENA

THE CREEPING EYE See: THE TROLLENBERG TERROR (1958)

THE CREEPING FLESH (1972 UK) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W: PETER SPENCELEY/JONATHAN RUMBOLD P: MICHAEL P. REDBOURN Peter Cushing discovers a big weird-looking skeleton that grows flesh when touched by water. If the film had concentrated on this aspect of the story it could have been great. As it is there are a few great scenes involving a fleshy skeletal monster, but the majority of the running time is used on subplots about Cushing’s daughter coming to terms with her identity (after being injected with “evil serum” by her dad) and there’s another killer running about as well. Christopher Lee is Cushing’s asylum owning half-brother. With Michael Ripper, Harry Locke and Marianne Stone. A missed opportunity, but Cushing is excellent as usual.

THE CREEPING HAND See: THE CRAWLING HAND

THE CREEPING TERROR (the crawling monster; dangerous charter) (1964 US) D/W/P: A.J. NELSON W: ROBERT SILLIPHANT A spaceship lands in Angel County with two of the worst screen monsters ever on-board. One of them escapes, so very slow victims are attacked by a couple of men hiding under a big, hairy rug with a teeth-filled mouth and neck attachment. It’s pretty difficult to describe, but well worth seeing for bad monster movie fans. A narrator constantly informs us of what people are doing and saying. The monster attacks twisters at the community dancehall. Mercifully, it’s just over an hour. The director also stars (as “Vic Savage”).

THE CREEPING UNKNOWN See: THE QUATERMASS XPERIMENT

CREEPOZOIDS (1987 US) D/W/P: DAVID DeCOTEAU W: BUFORD HAUSER P: JOHN SCHOUWEILER A bunch of young deserters escape the post-nuke acid rain by hiding in a seemingly abandoned building complex complete with running hot water, food and various facilities. After Linnea Quigley shows her tits in the shower, it’s time for the obligatory ALIEN-inspired monster on the loose (barely seen, of course). Some shelf-filler crap from the 80s is now much more fascinating than when it was new, but this perennial shite is not. With “Kim McKamy” (future porn star Ashley Gere), who was also in DREAMANIAC (1986), by former porno director DeCoteau (who also made NIGHTMARE SISTERS the same year) and a mutant IT’S ALIVE-style baby. Charles Band was the uncredited executive producer for this Empire release, later remade as HYBRID.

THE CREEPS (minisize) (1997 US) D/P: CHARLES BAND W: BENJAMIN CARR A very neurotic mad scientist steals first editions of classic horror novels and somehow brings Dracula, the mummy, the wolf man and Frankenstein’s monster to life. A woman working at the rare book archives hires a private detective movie nerd who works at a video store to help her get the manuscripts back. Due to an accident during an experiment, the monsters turn out half their original size. Phil Fondacaro is the little Dracula who takes over in this silly Full Moon horror comedy. It’s not very good, but more fun than some other gimmicky Full Moon releases and is filled with cult movie references.

CREEPSHOW (1982 US) D: GEORGE A. ROMERO W: STEPHEN KING P: RICHARD P. RUBINSTEIN Romero’s homage to the EC horror comics of the 50s doesn’t have many fans and should have been better, but it has its moments and a suitably lurid look. John Amplas (MARTIN) returns from the dead in Father’s Day. Stephen King blows his brains out after being infected by a meteorite in The Lonseome Death of Jody Verrill. Corpse lovers come out of the sea to terrorise Leslie Nielsen in Something To Tide You Over. The Crate has an ancient arctic monster and there are killer cockroaches in They’re Creeping Up On You. The linking story (which includes faithful and cool animation) is Voodoo Doll. With Hal Holbrook, Adrienne Barbeau, E.G. Marshall, Viveca Lindfors, Ed Harris, Ted Danson, Tom Atkins, Gwen Verdon and Tom Savini (who provides the great FX).

CREEPSHOW 2 (1987 US) D: MICHAEL GORNICK W: GEORGE A. ROMERO P: DAVID BALL Inferior sequel directed by Romero’s cinematographer is based on stories by Stephen King (who makes his usual cameo appearance). The first story is Old Chief Wood’n Head. Kindly store-owner George Kennedy and his wife Dorothy Lamour are murdered by thugs led by Holt McCallany (in his debut). A wooden statue of an Indian chief is a painfully obvious man in a suit trying to stand still, so it’s no real surprise when it comes to life to take revenge. The Raft has four teens fall victim to a mysterious flesh-eating mass of gunk in a lake. Lois Chiles runs over a guy (Tom Wright) on the road who just won’t leave her alone in The Hitchhiker (it’s silly, but it’s the best segment). There’s an animated wraparound and Tom Savini (who did the makeup) can be seen at the beginning and end under a lot of latex as “the creep” (with the voice of Joe Silver). Gornick also directed King’s GOLDEN YEARS miniseries. CREEPSHOW 3 followed in 2006, unrelated but for the title.

CREEPTALES (2002 US) Wraparound segment: D: KEN MANDEL W/P: MICHAEL MINTON/JESS SHERMAN The wraparound for this anthology of amateur shorts (that mostly look like they’re from the 80s) has a couple of ghouls stealing the videotape of the title from a grave, and watching it with a bunch of monster friends at a Halloween party. “Warped” (D/W: ROGER NYGARD W: JEFF COPELAND P: MARK E. KRAMER) is some rural psychodrama nonsence about a woman out of a sanatorium staying with some kindly-seeming but crazed older woman and her senile mother. In “Snatcher” (D/W/P: TIM BOXELL) a purse snatcher gets his just desserts when a bag with teeth eats him. This is the most fun, and one of the shortest (Boxell later directed the feature ABBERATION in 1997). “The Closet” (D/W/P: STEPHEN HEGYES/GREG MIDDLETON) has a kid justifiably scared of what’s in the closet. “Groovy Ghoulie Garage” (D/W/P: JAMES SALISBURY) features a couple of jokers spending the night in a haunted time-warp town destroyed by a chemical spill. “Howling Nightmare” (D/W/P: STEVE HEGYI) is some crap about a werewolf, and “Sucker” (D/P: ROD SLANE W: JOHN Y. GRAHAM) is an almost good morality tale with a twist. Overall, I’d put it back on the shelf and rent something else.

CREEPY CRAWLERS See: THEY NEST

THE CREMATORS (dune rollers) (1972 US) D/W/P: HARRY ESSEX Harry Essex was a screenwriter (his first credit is for co-writing the story that became MAN MADE MONSTER [1941]) who wrote movies during the 40s and 50s, including DRAGNET, THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE. During this time he also directed two of his own, MAD AT THE WORLD (1955) and I, THE JURY (1953). Despite all of this, his return in the early 70s resulted in two God-awful sci-fi horror movies, the notorious OCTAMAN and this obscurity based on Judy Ditky’s story The Dune Rollers (from Astounding Science Fiction magazine). A scientist in a small coastal town discovers some mysterious small stones washed up on the shore. When attacked they emit radiation and glow. This summons a big glowing fiery orb from the sea (it landed there from space 300 years ago) that tracks the stone, engulfing and incinerating anyone in it’s path, leaving behind only ash. The orb is a cheap but kinda interesting photographic effect by Doug Beswick. He also designed the OCTAMAN suit with Rick Baker, and his later credits (for various techniques including stop-motion animation) include FLESH GORDON, PANET OF THE DINOSAURS, THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and EVIL DEAD 2. It’s a shame that it’s all so slow, dull and incoherent. Robert Caramico (who shot ORGY OF THE DEAD) was the cameraman. With Maria De Aragon (WONDER WOMEN). [Illus.]

CREST OF BETRAYAL (ghost story of yotsuya: chusingura version; chusingura gaiden yotsuya kaidan) (1994 JPN) D/W: KINJI FUKASAKU W: MOTOMO FURUTA Fukasaku remains one of my favourite Japanese filmmakers, but this is pretty much a waste of time. It’s an amalgamation of the oft-filmed Chushingura (47 loyal ronin) legend and the Yotsuya ghost story. Both strands are well done and the cast is good (Kochi Sato, Saki Takaoka, Keiko Oginome, Renji Ishibashi, Eriko Watanabe, Shohei Hino, Masaomi Kondo, Keizo Kanie, Hiroyuki Sanada, Yuko Nattori, Masahiko Tsugawa, Takuhiro Tamura and Tsuchiko Watase) but the mix doesn’t exactly work. Not a particularly bad film, just a waste of energy. Shame.

THE CRIER (demoness) (1995 US) D/P: GLYNN BEARD W: MARGARET FRANCIS P: JOHN GONZALES A man obtains a love potion from the witch La Llorona (a Mexican legend; the 1961 THE CURSE OF THE CRYING WOMAN was loosely based on this), and gives it to his estranged, separated wife as a gift of perfume. She falls instantly back in love with him, and they invite some other couples to hang out at a cabin in the woods (along with a friend/gardener/novelist). Everyone tries to figure out why the couple are back together, and behaving so differently, while spouting awkward dialogue, being romantic and/ or bickering. One woman has prophetic nightmares, and a guy is strangled by a long tongue (along with other deaths). The surprise ending is not much of a surprise. Pretty difficult to sit through. DEMONESS was a slightly re-edited rerelease from 1997.

CRIES AND SHADOWS (exorcist no. 2: exorcist 3; naked exorcism; the possessor; return of the exorcist; un urlo nelle tenebre) (1975 ITL) D/W: ELO PANNACCIO D: FRANCO LO CASCIO (uncredited) W: ALDO CRUDO/FRANCO BROCANI/GUIDO ALBONICO P: LUIGI FEDELI Deadly dull EXORCIST copy somehow managed to get away with seriously sueable pseudonyms without prosecution. A young man is possessed by Satan himself, so is tied to a bed which levitates and spins around. Richard Conte eventually turns up as a priest to perform the exorcism (which is pretty anticlimactic). Cue typical Italian it’s-not-over ending. The only effective parts are flashbacks to a scary psychiatric hospital with weird music on the soundtrack. With Françoise Prévost and Salvatore Baccaro.

CRIES IN THE NIGHT See: FUNERAL HOME

CRIME BOSS See: THE NEW MAFIA BOSS

CRIMES OF PASSION (1984 US) D: KEN RUSSELL W/P: BARRY SANDLER A family man with a loveless marriage is hired to tail ambitious career woman Kathleen Turner to see if she has any secrets from the company for whom she works. He discovers that she moonlights as hooker China Blue in a grotty apartment in the neon-lit part of town. Anthony Perkins really overdoes it as a psychotic street preacher out to “save” Turner, when he’s not jacking off to strippers and stabbing a sex doll with a big metal dildo. I almost fell off my shovel laughing when he jumps on a piano and launches into the song Get Happy. Overwrought and thoroughly entertaining. With Bruce Davison and Rick Wakeman. This review refers to the unrated 112 mins version.

THE CRIMES OF STEPHEN HAWKE (strangler’s morgue) (1936 UK) D: GEORGE KING W: JACK CELESTIN/H.F. MALTBY/PAUL WHITE After MARIA MARTEN, OR THE MURDER IN THE RED BARN and SWEENEY TODD, Tod Slaughter starred in his first great film (by his best director). It’s a little different to his usual fare because his character (The Spine-Breaker) isn’t a complete psycho, but in fact ends up a little bit of a tragic hero. He was back playing black-hearted villains soon enough, though. Ronald Neame was the photographer (b/w). In the US in 1953, you could have experienced a Slaughter double bill comprising this film (under its aka) and THE GREED OF WILLIAM HART (as HORROR MANIACS)!! Slaughter deserves to be more recognised as being just as (if not more, time taken into consideration) lurid than Hammer horror, before that well-documented phenomenon.

CRIMES OF THE FUTURE (1970 CAN) D/W/P: DAVID CRONENBERG After STEREO, Cronenberg made (he also photographed and edited) another static, unwatchably dull student feature (63 mins) with elements familiar to his later exploitation classics. This one’s in colour but still doesn’t have sync sound, just experimental noises and sleep-inducing, pompous narration. The “plot” centres around a futuristic clinic called The House Of Skin and its collaboration with the Institute of Neo-Venereal Disease. Male patients act out peculiar sexual neuroses (there’s no nudity or fucking) as a result of the female population having died from some disease. The young director worked for Canadian tv for a while before striking gold with SHIVERS.

CRIME STORY (new police story; police story 4; police dragon; serious crimes squad; chung hgon cha; chong an zu) (1993 HK) D: KIRK WONG W: CHEUNG LAI LING/CHAN MAN KEUNG P: CHUA LAM Kidnappers, led by corrupt cop Kent Cheung, hold a businessman hostage until his wife comes up with the $60m ransom. Jackie Chan (in a rare non-comic role) is an on-the-edge cop traumatised by his own duty killings. He goes to Taiwan with Cheung to bust the case and begins to realise his partner is dirty. Based on a true story, this is a good crime thriller with lots of brutal action and stunts. With Chung Faat, Lau Kar Ying, Christian Ng, Blacky Ko, Ken Lo, Johnny Cheung Wa and a brief cameo from Mars. In one scene a heart attack victim is revived with jump leads attached to a car engine!

CRIMETIME (1996 UK US) D: GEORGE SLUIZER W: BRENDAN SOMERS P: DAVID PUPHEWITZ Pete Postlethwaite is a cheerful tv repair man and serial killer who collects women’s eyeballs. Stephen Baldwin is an American actor hired to portray the killer in a tv reconstruction. They kind of swap lives in this peculiar, confused but mostly successful black comedy satire from the director of THE VANISHING (who has a cameo as an American director, and was an executive producer). There’s a lot of ideas from other movies, but it has a perverse atmosphere all of its own. With Karen Black, Sadie Frost, Geraldine Chapman, Marianne Faithful and writer Somers.

CRIMEWAVE (x, y, z murders) (1985 US) D/W: SAM RAIMI W: JOEL & ETHAN COEN P: ROBERT G. TAPERT After the runaway success of THE EVIL DEAD, Raimi got to make his first Hollywood studio project. The resulting mess shows how inexperienced he was at helming something of this scale, and reports are that he doesn’t like it much. That said, it is a worthwhile and sometimes fun (and endlessly inventive) stepping stone that fans should check out. Basically it’s about a couple of rat exterminators (the expressive Brion James and Paul L. Smith in some inspired casting) who moonlight as assassins, and a clueless dope who’s in danger after witnessing them at work. Like a live action cartoon, it’s loaded with slapstick, crazy sound effects and Three Stooges-inspired violence. With Bruce Campbell (a coproducer), Louise Lasser, Antonio Fargas, Ted Raimi, Emil Sitka, Julius W, Harris, Frances McDormand as a nun, Joel Coen, an uncredited Julie Harris and executive producer Edward R. Pressman. Raimi and the Coens later switched duties for THE HUDSUCKER PROXY (that was probably already written at this early stage).

CRIMINAL ACT (1988) See: TUNNELS

CRIMINALLY INSANE (crazy fat ethel) (1973 US) D/W: “NICK PHILLIPS” (NICK MILLARD) P: FRANCES MILLARD Priscilla Alden stars as Ethel, a fat former mental patient with an eating disorder, who stays with her grandmother. Those who get between her and her food are chopped up. An unrecognisable, clean-shaven George “Buck” Flower is an investigating detective. Ethel’s hooker sister and her pimp are the other main characters. This 62 mins 16mm cult favourite is nothing special, but a nicely out of kilter oddity with a good sense of humour about itself. The meagre budget shows when mannequin limbs are dismembered in slow motion. Millard (the son of notorious roadshow huckster S.S. “Steamship” Millard put this on a double bill with his SATAN’S BLACK WEDDING, and returned with three (!) sequels, beginning with CRAZY FAT ETHEL 2 (1987).

CRIMINAL WOMEN See: TOKUGAWA: THE JOY OF TORTURE

CRIMSON ISLAND See: PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND

THE CRIMSON RIVERS (les rivieres pourpres) (2000 FRA) D/W: MATHIEU KASSOVITZ W: JEANCHRISTOPHE GRANGE P: ALAIN GOLDMAN Antagonistic outsider homicide cop Jean Reno arrives in a remote, self-contained university town where generations of townsfolk are educated, and then themselves teach, at the respected seat of learning. He’s there because a body has been discovered slain and dismembered in a ritualistic calling-card manner. Local flatfoot Vincent Cassel teams up with Reno as more bodies are discovered and a dark town secret revealed. This extremely slick, stylish and wonderfully shot thriller based on Grange’s novel is nothing special, but gives similar implausible Hollywood police procedural/action-adventure outings a run for their money with some decent, exciting set pieces. Hollywood obviously thought so, too, because Kassovitz (LA HAINE) got to helm GOTHIKA next. With Nadia Fares, Dominique Sanda, Jean-Pierre Cassel, Didier Flamand, Francois Levanthal, Francine Berge and Philippe Nahon.

CRIMSON RIVERS 2: ANGELS OF THE APOCALYPSE (les rivières pourpres 2: les anges de l’apocalypse; I fiumi di porpora 2: gli angeli dell’apocalise) (2002 FRA ITL UK) D: OLIVIER DAHAN W: LUC BESSON P: ALAIN GOLDMAN Jean Reno returns with a new partner (Benoît Magimel) to investigate the murders of a special order of monks. Christopher Lee speaks very little as the main Nazi villain trying to cleanse the world with Armageddon. Like the original, it’s a ridiculous but engaging and pretty exciting classy thriller. With Camille Natta, Johnny Hallyday (!), Serge Riaboukine, Andre Penvera, Francis Renaud, Victor Garrivier and Jean-Francois Gallotte. It was filmed in France and Luxembourg.

THE CRIPPLED AVENGERS (mortal combat; return of the five deadly venoms; chaan kuet; can que) (1978 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW An oppressive and sadistic ruler, who had his arms removed as a child, cripples various men for no reason. They band together to make the best of their disabilities in some amazing training sequences before taking their vengeance. Completely unlike the freak show kung fu oddities, TWO CRIPPLED HEROES or THE CRIPPLED MASTERS, this masterpiece of martial arts cinema is classic Shaw Bros all the way. Some say that talented fight choreographer Robert Tai more or less directed the majority of this picture for Cheh. With Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Chen Kuan Tai, Kuo Choi, Lu Feng, Lo Meng, Chiang Sheng, Sun Chien, Dick Wei, Jamie Luk, Cheng Miu and Robert Mak Tak Law. More people need to see this!

THE CRIPPLED HEAVEN See: THE CRIPPLED MASTERS

CRIPPLED HEROES See: TWO CRIPPLED HEROES

CRIPPLED KUNG FU BOXER (ninja supremo; daai chaan kuen; da can quan) (1981 HK) D: LEE CHIU A one-armed swordsman beats star Cliff Lok’s kung fu teacher, so Lok wants him to become his new teacher. Cripples with a serious dose of the shakes are villains. This obscurity has some well choreographed action and plentiful training scenes. With Choi Wang, Yueh Hua, Suen Yuet and director Chiu. The print I saw had been taped off Chinese tv (and had English subtitles).

THE CRIPPLED MASTERS (the crippled heaven; tian can di que) (1979 TAI) D: HO WANG MURI Jack Conn and Francis Shum are real cripples, one with no arms, the other no legs (or at least, none that are any use). In this memorably warped kung fu favourite, they are the heroes who at first don’t like each other, but reluctantly team up to fight an evil scarred hunchback and retrieve some jade horses. The backstory involves one getting his arms lopped off with a sword, and the other having his legs melted with acid. In the final duel that everyone remembers, the guy with no legs gets on the other’s back to become together the ultimate fighting machine. The two stars returned in FIGHTING LIFE (1981), TWO CRIPPLED HEROES and something that was retitled RAIDERS OF WU TANG on video. There were no credits on the print I saw, so I’m going with a (possibly inaccurate) director credit I’ve gleaned from other sources.

CRISIS THE EARTH See: CRUEL EARTH

CRISIS 2050 See: SOLAR CRISIS

CRITICAL LIST See: TERMINAL CHOICE

CRITICAL MASS (2000 US) D: “ED RAYMOND” (FRED OLEN RAY) W: SEAN McGINTY P: ALISON SEMENZA/“NOBLE HENRY” (JIM WYNORSKI) More cable-filler garbage from Phoenician Entertainment. Udo Kier (he really shouldn’t have to be in crap like this) leads a gang of terrorists who steal something radioactive (cue stock footage from TERMINATOR 2, which also ended up in Wynorski’s MILITIA) and take it to a nuclear plant in San Miguel. Treat Williams does a DIE HARD. Lori Loughlin is the feisty female love interest and press secretary for cowardly, pompous senator Andrew Prine. With Blake Clark, Richard Anthony Crenna, Richard Gabai, more footage stolen from UNIVERSAL SOLDIER and the inaudible sound of people all over the world falling asleep in front of their tvs.

CRITTERS (1985 US) D/W: STEPHEN HEREK W: DON OPPER/DOMONIC MUIR P: RUPERT HARVEY/BARRY OPPER Krites (small furry aliens that roll, and have sharp teeth and poisoned hair-darts) land in Kansas, followed by alien bounty hunters (Terrence Mann and Don Opper) who assume human form to track them down. CRITTERS was a surprise hit on video and is pretty enjoyable (and funny). With Scott Grimes as the hero kid, and Dee Wallace-Stone and Billy Green Bush as his parents, M. Emmet Walsh as the sheriff, Billy Zane and Lin Shaye. The Chiodo Bros (KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE) created the (very good) FX for the whole series. Herek also made BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE.

CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE (1988 US) D/W: MICK GARRIS W: DAVID TWOHY P: BARRY OPPER This ok sequel has more baby Krites hatching from green eggs during Easter, causing much confusion. Opper and Mann return, with Barry Corbin, Eddie Deezen and director Tom McLoughlin. The best scene has a big ball of Krites rolling over a man and stripping him clean of flesh. It was the first of Twohy’s screenplays turned into a feature; he wrote WARLOCK next. Garris went on to several Stephen King adaptations.

CRITTERS 3: YOU ARE WHAT THEY EAT (1991 US) D: KRISTINE PETERSON W: DAVID S. SCHOW W/P: BARRY OPPER/RUPERT HARVEY A family visiting the Grand Canyon bring Krites back to their apartment building in this lame sequel. Don Opper appears briefly, but most people will watch it now for the appearance of a young prestardom Leonardo DiCaprio (his debut). It ends with a set-up for part four (with which it was filmed back to back). Some footage from the fun original is used. With Geoffrey Blake and Frances Bay.

CRITTERS 4 (1991 US) D/W/P: RUPERT HARVEY W/P: BARRY OPPER W: JOSEPH LYLE/DAVID J. SCHOW Don Opper and a couple of Krites end up at a futuristic space station with the crew of a salvage ship in this uneventful sequel. With Brad Dourif, Angela Bassett, Anders Hove, Eric DeRae (Aldo Ray’s son) and the voice of Martine Beswick. Footage from ANDROID is reused.

CROAKED: FROG MONSTER FROM HELL See: RANA: THE LEGEND OF SHADOW LAKE

CROCODILE (2000 HICKOX) See: BLOOD SURF

CROCODILE (2000 US) D: TOBE HOOPER W: MICHAEL D. WEISS/JACE ANDERSON/ADAM GIERASCH W/P: BOAZ DAVIDSON P: DANNY LERNER/FRANK DeMARTINI Annoying teens partying in the marshlands are attacked by a big crocodile whose eggs have been tampered with. Another awful, boring movie from a once talented director could be considered a tenuous follow up to his EATEN ALIVE. Harrison Young is the sheriff.

CROCODILE 2: DEATH ROLL (crocodile 2: death swamp) (2001 US) D: GARY JONES W: ADAM GIERASCH/ JACE ANDERSON W/P: BOAZ DAVIDSON P: FRANK DeMARTINI Dumb sequel has an Acapulco-bound passenger plane filled with irritating characters and some bank robbers crash-landing in a huge swamp. One of the stewardess’ boyfriend hires alcoholic tracker Martin Kove to look for survivors while a giant crocodile picks them off one by one. With Billy Rieck. This Nu Image release was filmed in India and is no improvement on the original. Jones also directed SPIDERS and the much better MOSQUITO.

CROCODILE HUNTER See: DARK AGE

CRONOS (la invencion de cronos; chronos) (1993 MEX) D/W: GUILLERMO DEL TORO P: ARTHUR GORSON/ BERTHA NAVARRO Del Toro’s debut feature is a pretty good vampire variation, but is not so special as some would like to think. Frederico Luppi is the antique shop owner who discovers an ancient 16th century mechanical device that attaches itself to his chest. The insect inside grants eternal youth but requires blood. Ron Perlman is the evil henchman of Claudio Brook sent to retrieve it. With Daniel Gimenez Cacho, Juan Carlos Colombo and narration from Jorge Martinez de Hoyos. A scene involving a bleeding nose copies (and tones down) a similar scene in BLOOD FOR DRACULA. This was one of the most expensive movies ever made in Mexico, and won awards there. Former FX man Del Toro went to Hollywood to make MIMIC next.

CROSSFIRE (1993) See: QUICK

CROSSFIRE (pyrokinesis) (2000 JPN) D/W: SHUSUKE KANEKO W: KOTA YAMADA/MASAHIRO YOKATANI/ MIYUKI MIYABE P: MAZUHIKO SETA/HIDEYUKI HOMA/KAZUYA HAMANA/SETSURO TAGAMI Akiko Yada uses her extreme pyrokinetic powers to battle a snuff movie ring in this sometimes impressive but mostly unengaging thriller. A subplot involves another rogue ESP user using a little girl with pyrokinesis to exact vigilante justice. Some of the fire FX are excellent. With Hideaki Ito, Ryuuji Harada, Toshiyuki Nagashima, Renji Ishibashi, Kaori Momori and Koichi Ueda. From the director of the 90s GAMERA trilogy.

CROSSING (1999) See: BLOWBACK

CROSSING (2008) See: BROOKLYN’S FINEST

CROSSWORLDS (1996 US) D/W: KIRSHNA RAO W: RAMON RAO P: RUPERT HARVEY/LLOYD SEGAN Josh Charles has an amulet from his father that allows him to travel across dimensions to help Rutger Hauer and Andrea Roth defeat the evil that has engulfed their galaxy. It’s a fun sci-fi action-fantasy with excellent FX. Passes the time adequately. Director Rao did some camerawork on HALLOWEEN, ROCK’N’ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, PREDATOR 2 and others.

CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON (ngo foo chong lung; wo hu cang long; gua hu chang long; green destiny) (2000 CHN HK TAI US) D/P: ANG LEE W: HUI-LING WANG/JAMES SCHAMUS/KUO JUNG TSAI P: WILLIAM KONG/LI-KONG HSU This muchpraised, expensive, epic adaption of Wang Du Lu’s novel appealed to arthouse types and action fans alike. However, long-time kung fu movie fans may find the admittedly astonishing wirework to be overused, lacking in a certain fantastical something and a bit silly. Those who did get blown away are urged to trace its roots in modern cinema, starting with something like DUEL TO THE DEATH, for example (or the films of choreographer Yuen Woo Ping). As for the storytelling, drama and direction, it’s ok. Michelle Yeoh, Chow Yun Fat, Ziyi Zhang, Chen Chang, Lily Lee and Cheng Pei Pei all give good performances.

THE CROW (1994 US) D: ALEX PROYAS W: DAVID J. SCHOW/JOHN SHIRLEY P: JEFF MOST/EDWARD R. PRESSMAN/ROBERT ROSEN When Bruce Lee died, tasteless funeral footage and a very unconvincing stand-in were edited into GAME OF DEATH and the terrible results were released. When his son Brandon died on the set of THE CROW, state of the art computer imaging and FX were used to put his face on another actor’s body and nobody could tell the difference. Aside from the grim real-life tragedy, THE CROW emerges as a pretty fucking good action thriller (even if you hate all things goth). Lee returns from the grave (in black and white face makeup) after he’s killed (and wife raped and killed, too) by drugdealing villains. Set in a rainy, dark futuristic Detroit (amazing sets), Lee takes his revenge with a series of violent death scene set pieces. A crow (real and animatronic ones were used) is his guide. Michael Wincott (who fucks his siter Bai Ling) is the main villain. Some shoot-outs try to capture the flavour of Hong Kong heroic bloodshed movies (then very much in vogue for the first time). With Ernie Hudson, David Patrick Kelly, Tony Todd, Jon Polito, Bill Raymond, Anna Levine and Thomas Rosales Jr., while My Life With Thrill Kill Kult play in a club. Michael Berryman was cut out. Based on a comic book by James O’Barr. Nine Inch Nails cover Joy Divison’s Dead Souls on the soundtrack. I wish they had used the original instead.

THE CROW 2: CITY OF ANGELS (1996 US) D: TIM POPE W: DAVID S. GOYER P: JEFF MOST/EDWARD R. PRESSMAN This awful sequel has Vincent Perez rising from the dead in makeup to avenge his death at the hands of drug-dealers. With Iggy Pop, Ian Dury, Thomas Jane and The Deftones. The director is known for his rock music videos. Goyer (who later hit it big by writing BLADE) has written plenty of crap like DEMONIC TOYS, but also scripted the very good, intelligent DARK CITY.

THE CROW: SALVATION (2000 US GER) D: BHARAT NALLURI W: CHIP JOHANNSEN P: EDWARD R. PRESSMAN/JEFF MOST Part three in the feature series stars Eric Mabius as a wrongly convicted murderer sentenced to death in the electric chair (on his 21st birthday). He returns, of course, to avenge the death of his girlfriend (Jodi Lyn O’Keefe) by killing the corrupt cops responsible. Fred Ward is the main cop villain, but O’Keefe’s father (William Atherton) is in on it, too. Her sister (top-billed Kirsten Dunst) helps Mabius. There are lots of explosions and violence in a miserable industrial city (just like the far superior original). With Dale Midkiff. Tom Rainone supervised the FX. And what’s with the awkward media satire and how come it takes people ages to recognise Mabius even though he’s only wearing minimal makeup? Hard to tell if it’s just as terrible or even worse than the first sequel.

THE CROW: STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN (1998 US) D: KARI SKOGLAND W: BRYCE ZABEL P: GORDON MARK Zabel created this tv series from the characters created by James O’Barr. Mark Dacascos stars. The first couple of episodes were stitched together to make this feature-length video release in Japan. Key scenes from the first movie are recreated. It’s the expected watered-down tv shit. With Katie Stuart, Marcus Hondro, Tom Heaton, Mark Rolston, Ty Olsson, Lynda Boyd and John Pyper Ferguson. A second “feature” made from this series (WITCH CROW) also appeared in Japanese video shops.

THE CROW: WICKED PRAYER (2005 US) D/W: LANCE MUNGIA W/P: JEFF MOST W: SEAN HOOD P: EDWARD R. PRESSMAN This pretty silly fourth feature is based on one of several Crow novels (by Norman Partridge). The confusing half-assed story involves David Boreanaz (as Death) leading the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (including Yuji Okumoto as Pestilence, and Tito Oritz as Famine) in a desert town where miners on Native Indian ground are being put out of work to make way for a casino. A badly cast Edward Furlong stars as a white trash teen who returns from the dead as a vengeful killer in makeup out to get Boreanaz and his cronies (who murdered his girlfriend). Dennis Hopper is particularly ridiculous as “mac daddy” pimp El Niño (Boreanaz’s acolyte/girl Tara Reid has disturbing flashbacks of him preparing her for whoredom as a little girl). With Emmanuelle Chriqui, Danny Trejo and Macy Gray.

CRUCIBLE OF TERROR (unholy terror) (1971 UK) D/W: TED HOOKER W/P: TOM PARKINSON Art dealer James Bolam convinces spoilt alcoholic Ronald Lacey to introduce him to his father, a reclusive, lecherous artist and sculptor, so that he can buy more of his work. We know from the beginning that his bronze nudes are actually living women encased in molten metal, alive. Bolam and Lacey and their respective female others travel to Cornwall to meet the old man (former BBC Radio DJ and occult fanatic Mike Raven, giving an odd but endearing performance), who lives on the remote coastal site of an old haunted tin mine (complete with forge and network of tunnels). Staying with Raven are his lonely, childlike neglected wife, a sexy model and a family friend who collects Asian weapons. Characters die from asphyxiation (by a groovy transparent plastic cushion!), stabbing, beaten to death with a stone and sulfuric acid in the face. These giallo-like scenes are from the killer’s POV. I first saw this (cut) on tv when I was a kid, thought it was boring but remembered the lurid visual style for years. Rewatching an uncut dvd, I find that the look was just the result of the badly worn tv print (!), but it is less boring than I remembered it (if a little slow). The final reveal is memorably stupid mumbo-jumbo (possessed kimono?!?), and features a brief glimpse of half-Brit Burmese born Me Me Lai (later an Italian cannibal movie staple) in her feature debut. Executive producer (and cinematographer) Peter Newbrook (INCENSE FOR THE DAMNED, CORRUPTION) also directed the underrated THE ASPHYX for the same production company (his own?), Glendale. Parkinson got to direct Raven (and Lacey) in DISCIPLE OF DEATH (1972).

CRUCIFIED GIRLS OF SAN RAMON See: THE BIG BUST-OUT

CRUEL DESTINATION See: ISLAND OF DEATH

CRUEL EARTH (the last train; crisis the earth) (1999 UK) D: STUART ORME/ALEX PILLAI W: MATTHEW GRAHAM P: SITA WILLIAMS British miniseries about passengers on a train carriage that crashes in a tunnel. They end up frozen somehow, and thaw out years later to find Sheffield (and the world) devastated by an asteroid. This review refers to a two-and-a-half-hour video version that’s a real chore to sit through. It was originally an insufferable-sounding six hours. With Ralph Brown.

CRUEL JAWS (jaws ‘96; the beast; jaws 5) (1995 ITL) D/W: “WILLIAM SNYDER” (BRUNO MATTEI) W: LINDA MORRISON/ROBERT FEEN P: JOHN KENT There’s no reason I should have enjoyed this terrible JAWS clone, but I did. The shark is either stock footage or an unconvincing plastic head bobbing around in the water. The acting and dialogue are atrocious. Parts are hilarious. At one point a character determines “we’re gonna need a bigger helicopter”!!

THE CRUEL ONES See: THE HELLBENDERS

CRUEL SWAMP See: SWAMP WOMEN

CRUISING (1980 US) D/W: WILLIAM FRIEDKIN P: JERRY WEINTRAUB Undercover cop Al Pacino (who’s excellent) is hunting an impotent, gay serial killer in the sweaty underground gay SM clubs of New York’s meatpacking district. Many protesters condemned the film’s portrayal of homosexuals as fetishistic perverts, so a disclaimer was added to the beginning. Others praised its accurate slice-of-life atmosphere. Whatever your view, it’s a well made thriller (reminiscent of a quality giallo) that has some pacing problems, and thought-provoking ambiguity that ultimately doesn’t cut it as anything deeper or illuminating. With Paul Sorvino, Karen Allen, Richard Cox, Joe Spinnell, James Remar, Powers Boothe, Gene Davis, Don Scardino and Jay Acovone. Based on Gerald Walker’s novel, itself based on a real-life case. The soundtrack mixes Willy Deville, the punk of The Germs and disco to good effect.

CRUMB (1994 US) D/P: TERRY ZWIGOFF P: DAVID LYNCH/LYNN O’DONNELL Fascinating, insightful documentary about legendary underground artist Robert Crumb who almost single-handedly started the subculture of “comix” back in the mid-to late-60s. Interviews with him, critics and champions, fans, family members, ex-wives and associates paint a portrait of an honest talented individual who’s often condemned for his lack of the socially acceptable ability to lie, hide and eat shit. Not that it’s a sycophantic puff piece, in fact it’s refreshingly clearheaded and more human and touching for it. Of all the great stuff Crumb has drawn over the years, I highly recommend the collected book of his Heroes Of Blues, Jazz & Country trading cards (with ace accompanying CD compilation).

THE CRUSH (1993 US) D/W: ALAN SHAPIRO P: JAMES G. ROBINSON Cary Elwes is a journalist who rents a guesthouse from Kurtwood Smith. His 14-year-old daughter (Alicia Silverstone) develops a crush on him, builds a shrine and soon starts harming his career and friends when he rejects her. Overrated by many, this is still not bad of its type, more believable than most, and Silverstone is a convincing psycho. With Jennifer Rubin, Matthew Walker, Andrew Airlie, James Kidnie, Duncan Fraser, Doug Abrahams, Deryl Hayes and Lesley Ewen.

CRUSH HEAT See: THE UNDERGROUND

CRY BABY (1990 US) D/W: JOHN WATERS P: RACHEL TALALAY Waters’ mainstream musical comedy from Universal has been called his least effective sell-out (nonsense!) attempt, but it’s still great fun. Johnny Depp stars as the cool, motorbikeriding kid from the wrong side of the tracks. Set in 1954 Baltimore (of course), the plot revolves around the Drapers vs Squares gang war. The stellar cast includes Traci Lords, Susan Tyrrell, Iggy pop, Ricki Lake, Willem Dafoe, Susan Lowe, Mink Stole, Mary Vivian Pearce, Darren E. Burrows, Joe Dallesandro, Patty Hearst, Troy Donahue, Polly Bergen, David Nelson, Joey Heatherton and Amy Locane (plus the voice of John Blyth Barrymore). Ron Howard was an executive producer. Waters made SERIAL MOM next.

CRY DANGER (1951 US) D: ROBERT PARRISH W: WILLIAM BOWERS/JEROME CADY P: W.R. FRANK/ SAM WIESENTHAL Ex-con Dick Powell has to contend with various parties who want to get between him and a big stash of cash on his release from prison in this mediocre film noir. With Rhonda Fleming, Richard Erdman, William Conrad, Regis Toomey, Jay Adler, Kathleen Freeman, Bill Kennedy, Frank Marlowe, Frank Mills and Robert Williams. In b/w.

CRY DEMON See: THE EVIL

CRYING FIST (jumeogi unda) (2005 S.KOR) D/W: SEUNG-WAN RYU Min-sik Choi is a seriously down-on-his-luck, failed former Olympic silver medalist boxer who’s reduced to letting people on the streets of Seoul beat him up, to relieve their stress, for cash. Seung-beom Ryu (the director’s brother) is a convicted juvenile delinquent with an explosive temper who takes up boxing on the inside. The two meet in the ring at the end of this crowd pleasing emotional juggernaut that you can’t help but get caught up in. Choi’s character is (loosely) based on the real-life Akira Hallelujah, a Japanese bubble economy success story, whose life turned sour after the crash, and ended up taking punches for years in Kabukicho, Tokyo (he was not an ex-boxer). When FIST played in Japan, he was invited to the premiere. I hear there’s also a Korean documentary about him, which I would like to see. With Ho-jin Jeon, Ju-bong Gi and Wan-hie Lim. The director’s previous film was the very different ARAHAN (2004).

THE CRYING GAME (1992 UK JPN) D/W: NEIL JORDAN P: STEPHEN WOOLEY Forest Whitaker is a Jamaican-born English soldier who’s held hostage by the IRA while on a tour of duty in Ireland. Stephen Rea (an excellent underrated actor and Jordan regular) is an uncommitted IRA member who takes a message to Whitaker’s girlfriend (Jaye Davidson) in London after he dies. This excellent thriller is consistently different, interesting and entertaining, and there’s an unforgettable surprise that catches viewers off guard. With Miranda Richardson, Adrian Dunbar, Jim Boroadbent and Tony Slattery. Jordan (who started with ANGEL in 1984) later made the Hollywood hit INTERVEW WITH THE VAMPIRE and the brilliant flops THE BUTCHER BOY and IN DREAMS.

THE CRY OF JAZZ (1958 US) D/WP: EDWARD BLAND W/P: NELAM HILL W: MARK KENNEDY/ EUGENE TITUS Here’s an odd, dated b/w semidocumentary filmed in Chicago. Some black men at a small gathering in an apartment enter into a discussion on jazz with some white friends. The whites ask, “What is jazz?”, and the blacks respond with, “The negro’s cry of joy and suffering”, and claim that jazz is dead. They are quick to point out “rock’n’roll is not jazz”, and argue that blacks have the burden of trying to teach humanity to whites (!), who don’t understand the human soul through lack of suffering. Meanwhile, we see footage of slums, and jazz musicians at work. When footage of white folks at their day to day activities is seen, the music changes to light, less experimental muzak jazz. But black jazz is also criticised for being repetitious and “stale”. Sun Ra (billed as Le Sun Ra) can be heard with his Arkestra, and is also quoted at one point. Thirtyfour mins long.

CRY OF THE BANSHEE (1970 UK) D: GORDON HESSLER W: CHRISTOPHER WICKING/TIM KELLY P: LOUIS M. HEYWARD Promoted like a horror movie, this is in fact a 16th century historical melodrama that revolves around witchcraft, suspicious lynching locals and the supernatural. Vincent Price stars as the corrupt lord of the community who gets his comeuppance from some kind of werewolf. It’s kind of confusing, slow-moving and without much of a pay-off. With Hugh Griffith, Robert Hutton, Michael Elphick and Stephen Rea is a villager in his feature debut. Hessler, Wicking and Price had previously collaborated on the equally confused but much more entertaining SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN.

CRY OF THE WEREWOLF (1944 US) D: HENRY LEVIN W: GRIFFIN JAY/CHARLES O’NEAL P: WALLACE MacDONALD Missing persons at a museum of the supernatural warrants an investigation that uncovers gypsy witchcraft, voodoo, lyncanthorpy and secret passages. Levin’s b/w debut is more of a mystery than a horror movie, and a pretty dull one (even though it only runs about an hour). When a “werewolf” is finally seen, it’s just a dog! I’ve no idea who they thought they could fool with that one.

CRYPT OF DARK SECRETS (1976 US) D/W/P: JACK WEIS A ’nam vet who’s just moved to a haunted island in the swamps of Louisiana is visited by a nosy sheriff and his deputy, who insist that he put his cash in the local bank for safekeeping. This only gives him trouble however, after a lowlife in the bank hears that he keeps his fortune in his bread-bin. He, another guy and a woman steal the cash and leave the guy for dead in the swamp. A voodoo priestess called Damballa (Maureen Ridley, who has an odd semi-Brit accent) brings him back to life as her chosen mate. She can turn into a snake, has glowing eyes and does nude dances around (and on) a smoking sarcophagus (!), with a decayed mummy inside (you can see his face through a glass window in the lid). The crooks get their just desserts and the cops are baffled throughout. This and Weis’ MARDI GRAS MASSACRE were both filmed in New Orleans, and both are terrible films that I unjustifiably enjoyed a great deal. Cinematographer Irwin Blake came up with the original story, and I liked the minimal yet cool synth score at the beginning. Donn Davison has a part. Thanks to Frank Henenlotter for unearthing this one, and releasing it on Something Weird Video (a double bill dvd with Larry Buchanan’s THE NAKED WITCH) as a “Sexy Shocker”.

THE CRYSTAL EYE (curse of the crystal eye) (1989 US) D: JOE TORNATORE W: MIKEL ANGEL P: ROBERT PATTERSON/MAURICE SMITH Roger Corman was the executive producer for this useless, stock footage-filled treasure hunt adventure filmed in Mauritius. Jameson Parker stars as the hero in the Bombay desert.

CRYSTAL FIST (jade claw; kei chiu; ji zhao) (1979 HK) D: WA YAT WONG W: LAM CHIN WAI P: PAL MING Billy Chong (also in the director’s KUNG FU ZOMBIE) learns shadow eagle’s claw style from cook Simon Yuen Siu Tien so he can avenge his late father by defeating villainous Jue Tit Woh (and his deaf and blind combo sidekicks). A cracking kung fu film with nicely choreographed fights (by Yuen Chun Hei, Chin Yuet San, Yuen Fei, Yuen Hau Yee and Hau Chiu Sing) and plentiful training scenes. With David Wu Dai Wai.

CRYSTAL HUNT (no foh wai lung; nu huo wei long) (1991 HK) D: CHUI PAK LAM (HSU HSIA) W: HUNG HEN PAN P: CHUI FAT Largely disappointing action adventure starring Donnie Yen as an ex-cop tour guide, aiding cop friend Sibelle Hu and a kidnapped professor’s daughter in finding a magic crystal, otherwise kidnappers Carrie Ng and Ken Lo get it, or something like that. There are some good scraps at the end, but nothing so good worth sitting through the rest for. With Tin Ching, William Ho Ka-Kui, Jue Tit Woh, Leung Kar Yan and Gordon Hui. It was the last feature directed by busy former Shaw extra Hsia (he’s also in it, along with producer and action choreographer Fat).

CRY UNCLE (super dick) (1971 US) D/W: JOHN AVILDSEN W: DAVID ODELL/ALLEN GARFIELD P: DAVID JAY DISICK Private dick Allen Garfield is hired by a wealthy murder suspect to find the real culprit in this dated but still somewhat interesting shock tactic black comedy set in NYC. His nephew helps along with a sexy blonde who won’t give Garfield any (he does get to fuck a corpse, though). Garfield as an awkward, horny and loveable slob is the main reason to watch. With Paul Sorvino and production manager Lloyd Kaufman as a tripping hippy. Jackson Beck narrates. It’s based on Michael Brett’s novel Lie A Little, Die A Little. Avildsen (whose diverse career includes the likes of JOE and ROCKY) was also the photographer and editor.

CTHULHU MANSION (black magic mansion; le mansion de los cthulhu) (1990 SPN UK) D/W/P: JUAN PIQUER SIMÓN W: DAVID COLEMAN (uncredited) P: JOSÉ G. MAESSO A teen delinquent, who speaks laughable “hip” dialogue (before he stabs someone he mentions it being the first payment from “switchblade bank”), murders a drug-dealer and steals his stash of coke at an amusement park. To avoid police, he and his gang (including sympathetic Melanie Shatner) kidnap the illusionist Chandu (Frank Finlay) and his stage assistant daughter, and keep them hostage at their titular home, Cthulhu mansion (the only connection with the writings of H.P. Lovecraft, despite what the credits say). It eventually turns out that Finlay’s tampering with the black arts caused his wife’s death. Supernatural deaths occur (one punk dies in a shower cubicle full of blood) and there’s a briefly seen monster at the end. Some of director Simón’s films are amusingly bad (see SLUGS). This is just bad. With Frank Brana.

C2-KILLERINSECT See: TICKS

CUBA CROSSING (kill castro; sweet dirty tony; assignment: kill castro; the mercenaries; southern cross; key west crossing; sweet violent tony; todeskommando schweienbucht) (1978 US W.GER) D/W: CHUCK WORKMAN W: ROBIN SWICORD W/P: PETER J. BARTON This notable but actually rather boring all-star obscurity begins with Robert Vaughn in fatigues cursing John F. Kennedy (made to look as if he’s lying during a speech) for not following through with the Bay of Pigs. Years later and he’s a merc who apparently gets a second chance to rid Cuba of Castro, but he’s set up again. With Woody Strode, Raymond St. Jacques, Stuart Whitman, Albert Salmi, Monti Rock III, Sybil Danning and some flesh-eating turtles. Cinephile masochists may want to endure it on a themed double bill with RED ZONE CUBA. Just don’t invite me to your cinematic pain party.

CUBBYHOUSE (hellion: the devil’s playground; the third circle) (2001 AUSL) D/W: MURRAY FAHEY W: IAN COUGHLAN P: DAVID HANNEY/CHRIS BROWN Belinda McClory is a single mother who moves her family (including eldest son Joshua Leonard) from America to suburban Australia. Her younger kids become possessed by an evil wooden shed in the garden, the site of black magic rituals and murder 30 years before. Formulaic nonsense tries to inject some FX-laden excitement at the very end but it’s all very silly. With Lauren Hewett, Jerome Ehlers and Craig McLachlan. Coughlan directed ALISON’S BIRTHDAY.

THE CUBE (1969 US) D/W/P: JIM HENSON W: JERRY JUHL P: PETER GOLDFARB Before creating the Muppets phenomenon, Henson and Juhl collaborated to make this 53 mins episode in the NBC Experiment in Television strand. A man finds himself a prisoner in a square, tiled room. Various characters enter, talk, help and annoy him. They can leave, but he can’t. Surreal, funny and less pretentious than you may think, this is a real gem of offbeat tv history, and as fresh now as it was in 69. Walter Sear provides the electronic soundtrack. I saw it in b/w, but I think it was originally in colour (and may be available as such).

CUBE (1997 CAN) D/W: VINCENZO NATALI W: ANDRE BIJELIC/GRAEME MANSON P: MEHRA MEH/ BETTY ORR This amazing and unique sci-fi (for lack of any other category to put it in) has a small group of strangers trapped in a maze comprising a series of rooms each measuring 14 square-feet (all different colours). The rooms are connected by vault doors and some are booby trapped (slicing wires, acid etc.). The confused, mismatched bunch try to logically work their way out while arguing and going crazy. The cast is mostly unknowns: Nicole DeBoer, Maurice Dean Wint, Julian Richings and Wayne Robson. I guess the “star” is David Hewlett (from SCANNERS 2 and PIN). Filmed in a warehouse in Toronto on an extremely low budget, it’s a triumph of original storytelling and flawless production skills. Jasma Stefanovic was set designer. A Japanese rental tape included Natali’s earlier short ELEVATED. HYPERCUBE: CUBE 2 followed. I once had the pleasure of acting inside a “cube” replicated at Japanese NHK studios for a tv parody (the film was a massive hit in Japan).

CUBE I.Q. See: THE GAME ROOM

CUBE IQ: HAZARD See: THE OMEGA DIARY

CUBE ZERO (2004 CAN) D/W: ERNIE BARBARASH P: SUZANNE COLVIN/JON P. GOULDING Barbarash had previously collaborated on the screenplay for HYPERCUBE, the first sequel to CUBE. This third entry falls flat on its face while trying to expand the scope of strangers thrown together in an interconnected series of cubic rooms (some booby trapped), without food or a clue where the exit is. We get two bickering technicians (one is star Zachery Bennett, as some kind of genius) who monitor the people in the cube, read their dreams and fry them in flames when they near an exit. It doesn’t make much sense, and lapses into parody when an irritating “official”turns up after Bennett enters the cube on his own. With Michael Riley, Martin Roach, David Husband, Mike Nahrgang, a gory opening and death by slicing wires, a flesh-eating virus and microwaves. The original movie’s concept was so compelling that a late-night tv viewer stumbling across ZERO without knowing of its predecessor may get caught up in it, considering it an intriguing mess. But do yourself a favour and check out CUBE instead.

CUB TIGER FROM KWANG TUNG See: MASTER WITH CRACKED FINGERS

THE CUCKOO CLOCKS OF HELL See: THE LAST HOUSE ON DEAD END STREET

CUJO (1983 US) D: LEWIS TEAGUE W: DON CARLOS DUNAWAY/LAUREN CURRIER P: DANIEL H. BLATT/ ROBERT SINGER After way too much typical Stephen King melodrama about Dee Wallace Stone having an affair, she eventually ends up trapped in a car with her little boy on a baking hot day as a big, rabid dog, bitten by a bat, tries to eat them. There are some nice touches from Teague, but the first nonhorror half overextends itself, leaving the door open for boredom unless you’re interested in the characters. I was surprised to discover after watching that mechanical dogs were used for some scenes, as it’s absolutely seamless work. With Ed Lauter, Christopher Stone and Jerry Hardin. Teague also made CAT’S EYE based on King’s writings.

THE CULPEPPER CATTLE CO. (dust, sweat and gunpowder) (1972 US) D/W: DICK RICHARDS W: ERIC BERCOVICI/GREGORY PRENTISS P: PAUL A. HELMICK Arresting, underrated western is unusual and realistic. A teen signs on to Culpepper (Billy Green Bush)’s cattle drive so he can become a cowboy. Never goes in the direction you expect it to. The violence is bloody, but the polar opposite of Peckipah’s stylised shoot-outs. With Geoffrey Lewis, Bo Hopkins, Charles Martin Smith, Matt Calrk, Hal Needham, Royal Dano, José Chavez and Ted Gehring. Jerry Bruckheimer was the associate producer. Richards also directed the FAREWELL MY LOVELY remake and a slasher flick, DEATH VALLEY (1982).

CUNNING KIDS See: FISTS OF DRAGONS

CURDLED (fetish) (1996 US) D/E: REB BRADDOCK W/P: JOHN MAAS P: PAUL PUIG Angela Jones is perfect as the cute Colombian woman obsessed with the “blue blood killer” (William Baldwin) who joins a female post-forensic murder site clean-up team (run by Barry Corbin). When Baldwin leaves behind a clue to his identity, the two of them meet in a blood-stained house as the film reaches its great, surprising conclusion. Originally a short from 1991 (it’s basically a one-gag film), Braddock has done a good job stretching it out to feature-length. Executive producer Quentin Tarantino (who can be spotted in a FROM DUSK ‘TIL DAWN in-joke) was a major fan of the original short and cast Jones in a cameo in his PULP FICTION. With Daisy Fuentes, Lois Chiles and Kelly Preston.

CURE (1997 JPN) D/W: KIYOSHI KUROSAWA P: TSUTOMO SUCHIKAWA/ATSUIKI SHIMODA Seemingly normal people suddenly commit violent homicides for no apparent reason (kind of like in TELEFON) and then have no memory of the events. Koji Yakusho stars as the police detective who discovers the only link is a mysterious, chronic amnesiac drifter (Masato Hagiwara) who spoke to all the perpetrators before the incidents. Based on Kurosawa’s own novel, this is an expertly directed lowkey thirller with plenty of surprises. A definite step up from the director of SWEET HOME and DOOR 3. With Ujiki Tsuyoshi, Ren Osugi, Anna Nakgawa, Yukijiro Hotaru, Yoriko Daguchi and a look at a vintage hypnotherapy demonstration on film.

CURFEW (1988 US) D: GARY WINICK W: KEVIN KENNEDY P: JULIA PHILLIPS Mental case rapist killer brothers (including John Putch, who would later direct junk like TYCUS) escape from death row and proceed to suburbia and the guy who put them away. They hold his family (including star Kyle Richards as the teen daughter) hostage in this terrible DESPERATE HOURS retread. Bert Remsen and Robert Romanus are also in this New World release. [Illus.]

THE CURIOUS DR. HUMPP (the curious case of dr. humpp; la venganza del sexo) (1967 ARG) D/W/P: “RAUL ZORRILLA” (EMILIO VIEYRA) P: ORESTES TRUCCO Aldo Barbero is the title scientist who has a cool-looking monster that kidnaps young women and brings them to his lab. He injects them with a serum that makes them horny and watches them having orgasms on a tv. He also talks to a brain in a jar that deflates and inflates as it talks. Ricardo Baulero is the newspaper reporter hero. This bizarre b/w sex horror movie has become quite the cult item since it was released on Something Weird Video as a Frank Henenlotter Sexy Shocker (a 1970 US release with added skin). There’s even a dvd which also has a great short in which a woman makes love to a cardboard skeleton cutout.

A CURIOUS WAY TO LOVE See: DEATH LAID AN EGG

CURSE (1980 HK) D: PANG LING W: SZETO ON P: CHAN LI This extremely tacky exploitation movie is set in Thailand (I think). A woman who enjoys sex has a string of husbands die on her during intercourse. It’s because she’s the reincarnation of a sorceress that her karma is all shot to hell. She’s raped at night by video game FX ghosts. It’s quite enjoyable tat, with plenty of magic and nudity to keep you interested. With Kwan Hoi-Sang, Fong Yau, Lam Kau and Ridley Tsui. The director also made BRUTAL SORCERY (1983).

THE CURSE (1986 ITL US) D: DAVID KEITH W: DAVID CHASKIN P: OVIDIO G. ASSONITIS A meteorite lands on farmland and soon disappears, absorbed into the ground. Soon the fruit and veg is full of maggots, crazed livestock attack and people who drink water from the well become lumpy-faced killer mutants. In the end, even the farmhouse and its furnishings seems infected. Wil Wheaton (fresh from STAND BY ME) stars as the put-upon adopted son of a mean, old-fashioned farmer (Claude Akins). John Schneider is a visiting scientist. With little Amy Wheaton and Cooper Huckabee. This uncredited adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s story The Color Out Of Space (see also DIE, MONSTER, DIE!) is mostly bad, but not without some undeniably Italian atmospherics and some almost effective scenes. Has anyone confirmed that the actor David Keith actually directed, or someone else under a generic pseudonym? Apparently Keith shot it on his own farm in Tennessee. If that’s the case, he must be a Eurohorror fan and fond of pastiche, or the producers had final cut. Lucio (or “Louis”) Fulci was an associate producer. A fake series of retitled “sequels” followed. Chaskin also wrote HARDCOVER.

CURSE 2: THE BITE (the bite) (1988 ITL JPN US) D/W: “FRED GOODWIN” (FEDERICO PROSPERI) W: SUSAN ZELOUF This is an unrelated film sold as a sequel. Jill Schoelen is travelling with her boyfriend across New Mexico, where the snakes (and people) are acting weird (they drive over a whole bunch of snakes on the road in a definite non-PETA-approved scene). He gets bitten by one and is treated by salesman Jamie Farr. However the wrong serum seems to result in his hand transforming into a big snake’s head (!), and he acts like an out of control arsehole. This odd horror flick results in him terrorising Schoelen in a sewage ditch while vomiting big snakes. It’s not that good, but different. With Bo Svenson, Sydney Lassick and FX from Screaming Mad George. Ovidio G. Assonitis was executive producer. PANGA became CURSE III: BLOOD SACRIFICE in 1991, and CATACOMBS (1988) was released as CURSE IV: THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE in 1993.

CURSED (2004 US) D: WES CRAVEN W/P: KEVIN WILLIAMSON P: MARIANNE MADDALENA Orphan teen Jessie Eisenberg and her tv executive sister (Christina Ricci) are attacked by a werewolf one night. They can’t touch silver and try to guess the identity of the head wolf (an easy task for viewers) in this desperate, tiresome attempt by Craven and Williamson to mine exhausted post-SCREAM territory. It was cut in US theatres for a PG-13 rating, but the uncut version I watched was so extremely tame I can’t imagine what they removed. With Joshua Jackson, Portia De Rossi, Nick Offerman, Michael Rosenbaum, Scott Baio, Judy Greer, Lance Bass and Shannon Elizabeth.

CURSED VILLAGE See: WORLD OF TSUGIO INUMARU

CURSE OF DEATH See: DEATH CURSE OF TARTU

THE CURSE OF DRACULA See: THE RETURN OF DRACULA

THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1957 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: JIMMY SANGSTER P: ANTHONY HINDS/MAX ROSENBERG The British Hammer studios really hit on something with this gory (for the time), lurid colour interpretation of Mary Shelley’s novel. Peter Cushing is Baron von Frankenstein, who narrates the story from his jail cell (as he awaits the guillotine). Christopher Lee (before he was famous for being Dracula) is the pretty scary looking creature. Considered racy stuff in its day, it’s aged very well, even if it doesn’t stand up with the best of Hammer (or Fisher). Hazel Court is Elizabeth. Interestingly enough, it was originally conceived by Milton Subotsky and Max J. Rosenberg, who would later set up Hammer Studio rivals Amicus. Cushing and Lee would be horror heroes from here on and the studio churned out more bloodthirsty shockers that changed the face of cinema forever, so it is important. THE REVENGE OF FRANKENSTEIN was next in the series.

THE CURSE OF THE AZTEC MUMMY (la maldición de la momia azteca) (1957 MEX) D: RAFAEL PORTILLO W/P: GUILLMERO CALDERON W: ALFREDO SALAZAR Second Aztec mummy movie (following ATTACK OF THE AZTEC MUMMY) is also a masked wrestler superhero outing starring El Angel (Crox Alvarado, upgraded from his cowardly comedy sidekick role in the original), a crap hero who keeps getting captured and tied up (or threatened with a pit of snakes). Meanwhile the evil Dr. Krupp tries to get his hands on the mummy (Angel di Stefani)’s treasure. With Ramón Gay, Rosita Arenas, Alejandro Cruz (out of his Blue Demon costume), Julian De Meriche, Guillermo Hernandez, Arturo Martinez, Jorge Mandragon, Emma Roldan, Salvador Lozano, radio wristwatches and a look at El Angel relaxing at home reading the paper (in his mask). In b/w and about an hour long. The mummy returned in THE ROBOT VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY. El Santo did not debut until the following year with BRAIN OF EVIL.

CURSE OF THE BLAIR WITCH (1999 US) D/W: ANIEL MYRICK/EDUARDO SANCHEZ P: GREGG HALE/ ROBIN COWIE This is a hoax tv-style documentary (even the swearing is beeped out) companion to the surprise hit BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. If you like the movie you may appreciate this as well. If you don’t like it, this won’t change your mind.

THE CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE (1944 US) D: GUNTHER VON FRITSCH/ROBERT WISE W: DEWITT BODEEN P: VAL LEWTON This isn’t really a sequel, but has the same star, producer and screenwriter as CAT PEOPLE and shares the same trait of being incredibly atmospheric (and is more fun to watch nowadays than the original, I think). Ann Carter is Amy, a little girl whose imaginary companion is her father’s first deceased wife (Simone Simon). Not really a horror film, its fairy tale like structure has Simon saving Amy from an emotionally disturbed young woman who believes Amy has taken her mother’s affection. Ok, so this doesn’t sound too riveting on paper, but it’s not easy to convey this remarkable b/w gem in words. Just see it. With Kent Smith. Wise was called in to make his directorial debut after Von Fritsch fell behind schedule.

CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL EYE See: THE CRYSTAL EYE

CURSE OF THE DEAD See: KILL, BABY… KILL!

CURSE OF THE DEMON See: NIGHT OF THE DEMON (1956)

THE CURSE OF THE DOLL PEOPLE (devil doll men; munecos infernales) (1960 MEX) D: BENITO ALAZRAHI W: ALFREDO SALAZAR P: “WILLIAM CALDERON” (GUILLERMO CALDERON STELL) Extremely strange b/w chiller dubbed into English by K. Gordon Murray. Killer voodoo “dolls” (dwarfs in suits and face masks) are sent to the houses of some irresponsible archaeologists who stole a Haitian cult’s sacred statue and brought it back home with them. When no one’s looking the (extremely conspicuous) dolls come to life and murder with long needles. The victims’ kids seem not to be frightened by these creepy, oversized minibusinessmen-look toys. Not good, but compulsively watchable if just to wonder what these filmmakers were possibly thinking. Ramón Gay and Elvira Quintann star as a doctor couple. With Quintin Bulnes, Roberto G. Rivera, Jorge Mandragon, Luis Aragon and a last-minute zombie in a sarcophagus.

CURSE OF THE EVIL SPIRIT See: BLOOD SHACK

CURSE OF THE FACELESS MAN (1958 US) D: EDWARD L. CAHN W: JEROME BIXBY P: ROBERT E. KENT An Etruscan mummy rises from the molten ruins of Pompeii and snatches a woman who is the reincarnation of his lost love. He takes her to sea at the end and dissolves. Cahn tries to stretch this (and your patience) to an overlong 66 mins. Richard Anderson stars and Morris Ankrum narrates. With Adele Mara and Charles Gemora taking turns inside the monster suit at times. In b/w.

CURSE OF THE 49ER See: MINER’S MASSACRE

CURSE OF THE LIVING DEAD (1966) See: KILL, BABY… KILL!

CURSE OF THE LIVING DEAD (1979) See: DON’T GO NEAR THE PARK

THE CURSE OF THE MUMMY’S TOMB (1964 UK) D/W/P: “HENRY YOUNGER” (MICHAEL CARRERAS) A sacred Egyptian tomb is opened and the mummy’s sarcophagus is ballyhooed as an attraction in England by an American showman. Naturally a curse is involved and the mummy kills its desecrators. The ending has a (predictable) twist, and the mummy carrying the female-in-trouble through the sewers. Bottom-of-the-barrel Hammer outing is pretty boring. Michael Ripper gets to burp before he’s killed. With Marianne Stone.

CURSE OF THE PINK PANTHER (1983 US UK) D/W/P: BLAKE EDWARDS If TRAIL OF THE PINK PANTHER wasn’t desperate enough filmmaking for you, here’s one stitched together from the outtakes of that. New footage features David Niven (his voice dubbed by impersonator Rich Little following Niven’s death), Robert Wagner, Capucine, Herbert Lom, Harvey Korman, Leslie Ash, Burt Kwouk, Robert Loggia, Joanna Lumley, Denise Crosby, Michael Elphick, Joe Morton, Fred Personne, William Hootkins, Arthur Howard and Liz Smith. At the end, Clouseau (after plastic surgery) is played by Roger Moore!?! Filmed in France and Spain. Edwards made THE SON OF THE PINK PANTHER nine years later, with Robert Benigni in the title role.

CURSE OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE See: MATANGO

CURSE OF THE PUPPET MASTER: THE HUMAN EXPERIMENT (puppet master 6) (1998 US) D: “VICTORIA SLOAN” (DAVID DeCOTEAU) W: BENJAMIN CARR P: KIRK EDWARD HANSEN This unwanted continuation is better than the previous entry (not difficult) but is still pretty useless. An old inventor and his pretty daughter are now in possession of the killer dolls. There’s not much of a story and the end is pretty abrupt. But fear not, RETRO PUPPETMASTER followed. With Robert Donovan as the sheriff. J.R. Bookwalter (who usually makes even worse movies than this) edited and provided a voice and Charles Band was executive producer.

CURSE OF THE RED BUTTERFLY (1982 TUR) D: PETER MARIS/I. DOOZ P: O. CHITINAR/E. BAGHERZADEH When a sheik dies his wife and big black bodyguard travel to Istanbul to find the cursed but much sought after Red Butterfly brooch in this pretty useless adventure with death by spiked mask and ridiculous comic sound FX. Gordon Mitchell is the main villain. [Illus.]

CURSE OF THE SWAMP CREATURE (1966 US) D/P: LARRY BUCHANAN W: TONY HOUSTON An oil prospector (Buchanan regular Bill Thurman) is murdered by a thief in his hotel room at a remote off-season fishing town. The killer’s girl (in cahoots with the hotel management) poses as Thurman’s wife for the benefit of visiting geologist John Agar, and off they go into the swamps to look for oil. They become guests to a mad scientist (Jeff Alexander, who’s quite enjoyable) busy creating gill-men (we only see a gill-hand for most of the running time). He feeds one a turtle. They don’t live long, so he chucks them in “the swamp” (he lobs the corpses off a poolside diving board (!), then we see stock footage of alligators). Black locals who mistrust Alexander communicate with drums and perform a “snake dance” complete with fire, skulls and bongos. A potential rapist says to his cornered victim, “there’s no one here but us chickens”. Eventually we see a gill-man (Thurman in a monster suit with ping-pong eyeballs) who sacrifices himself and Alexander in the swamp/pool. Agar ends up with Alexander’s beautiful prisoner wife (Francine York). Shot in Uncertain, Texas, this undeniably bad film is my favourite of the eight notorious tv movies Buchanan made for AIP. It has the atmosphere and just the right vibe to entertain insomniac “differently abled” movie fans. With Annabelle Weenick and Houston (whose script is an uncredited rewrite of VOODOO WOMAN).

CURSE OF THE UNDEAD (mark of the west) (1959 US) D/W: EDWARD DEIN W: MILDRED DEIN P: JOSEPH GERSHENSON After her father and brother are killed over a land dispute, Kathleen Crowley hires Michael Pate to kill a crooked ranch owner. Eric Fleming is Preacher Dan, who discovers that Pate is in fact a vampire responsible for recent deaths. In flashback we see how a crime of passion led to the Spanish curse. Quality b/w horror western oddity is much better and more interesting than, say, BILLY THE KID VS. DRACULA. With John Hoyt, Ed Binns, Eddie Parker, Margaret Bert, Forrest Stanley and Amzie Strickland. Dein also made THE LEECH WOMAN and SHACK OUT ON 101.

CURSE OF THE VAMPIRE See: THE PLAYGIRLS AND THE VAMPIRE

THE CURSE OF THE WEREWOLF (1961 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W/P: “JOHN ELDER” (ANTHONY HINDS) Hammer’s update of Guy Endore’s wolfman story is very good storytelling, but is lacking in the lurid elements the studio was famous for (even in the restored version). A raped mute servant girl dies giving birth to a baby on Christmas day (“an insult to the heavens”), who grows up to be wolfman Oliver Reed. With Bernard Lee, Anthony Dawson, Warren Mitchell, Michael Ripper, George Woodbridge, Peter Sallis, John Bennett and Desmond Llewelyn. Worthwhile, but not on my list of Hammer favourites.

THE CURVE See: DEAD MAN’S CURVE

CUT (2000 AUSL GER US) D: KIMBLE RENDALL W: DAVE WARNER P: MARTIN FABINYI/BILL BENNETT/ JENNIFER BENNETT Australian film students try to complete an infamous “cursed” slasher movie and are stalked by a masked killer with big rose-pruners. Starts off intriguing, but ends up useless. Molly Ringwald is the token American star, with Kylie Minogue, Jessica Napier and Stephen Curry.

CUT AND RUN (survival shoot; strange adventure; inferno in diretta) (1985 ITL) D: RUGGERO DEODATO W: CESARE FRUGONI/DARDANO SACCHETTI P: ALESSANDRO FRACASSI For a long time it seemed that it was not available uncut in English, but now you can see this excellent exploitation item in all its glory. Reporter Lisa Blount and cameraman Leonard Mann go to the jungles of South America in order to find a missing young man and investigate the drug smuggling operations of a Jim Jones disciple said to have organised Guyana. They find Richard Lynch, who has an army of (real) native Indios who are led by Quecho (Michael Berryman). The Indios attack rival drug camps (managed by John Steiner, who’s split in half), kill with blow darts and drive long knives through naked womens’ kneecaps. Quecho decapitates with a machete. Blount and Mann’s expedition is beamed live to the news station in Miami (run by Karen Black). With Gabriele Tinti and Eriq La Salle (later famous on the tv series E.R.) as an informant. Comparisons with Deodato’s classic CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST are inevitable, but this exciting actionpacked adventure stands well enough on its own.

CUTIE HONEY (2004 JPN) D/W: HIDEAKI ANNO W: RUMI TAKAHASHI P: MORIO AMAGI/MOTOO KAWABATA Go Nagai’s sexy female superhero manga was first adapted to screen for an animated tv series in 1973. In 1994, an OAV (Original Animated Video) series followed, and in 1997 it went back to tv for the Cutie Honey: Flash series. This is the much anticipated live-action big-screen version helmed by the creator of the breakthrough animated classic NEON GENESIS EVANGELION. The busty, cute and infinitely spankable bikini model Eriko Sato is the perfect choice to play Honey, a put-upon office lady who eats endless amounts of ricecakes for energy to turn into Cutie Honey. The Panther Crow group of villains (Hairi Katagiri, Mitsuhiro Oikawa, Sie Kohinata and Mayumi Shintani) have kidnapped hundreds of beautiful young women for their leader Sister Jill (Eisuke Sakai) to eat. Masaki Kyomoto is Cutie’s uncle doctor in danger of being kidnapped. Mikako Ichikawa as a straight-laced cop and Jun Murakami as a P.I./journalist costar. It begins strongly with good use of state of the art CGI used for comic, unreal effect and Kumi Koda’s cool score indicates that good fun will be had by all. But the midsection drags terribly, and the ending really fails to bounce back. However Sato is so appealing and adorable, she really does carry the movie over the weak spots, and made me glad I watched it. With Suzuki Matsuo, Kyusaku Shimada, Ryuhei Matsuda, Hideko Yoshida and Nagai himself. A three-part RE: CUTIE HONEY OAV series was released to coincide with its release, and a MAKING OF dvd did the rounds, too.

CUT-THROAT KOMMANDOS See: THE CUT THROATS

THE CUT THROATS (cut-throat kommandos; she devils of the s.s.; s.s. cutthroats) (1969 US) D/W/P: JOHN HAYES P: DANIEL CADY The big joke at the beginning of this nudie war movie is that the opening ballad and sight of a cowboy sets you up for a western, but we quickly find out it’s WWII era “Germany”. That’s about as funny as it gets. The rest is a plotless ramble about American GIs fucking some local women mostly, with war and hidden treasure nonsense thrown in. It was difficult to pay attention, apart from when the charismatic Uschi Digard (billed as “Inge Pinson”) was on screen. Henning Schellerup (1973’s THE BLACK BUNCH) was the cameraman. Hayes is better known for his 1974 horror double bill GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE/GARDEN OF THE DEAD.

CUTTHROATS NINE (bronson’s revenge; condenados a vivir) (1972 SPN) D: JOAQUÍN ROMERO MARCHENT W: JOAQUIN ROMERO HERNANDEZ/ SANTIAGO MONCADA Unusual western has widowed cavalry soldier “Robert Hundar” (Claudio Undari) transporting seven dangerous criminals (one of whom he believes murdered his wife) crosscountry by wagon, along with his daughter (Emma Cohen). After they crash, he, she and the chained men continue on foot. With Alberto Dalbes, José Manuel Martin, Rafael Hernandez, Eduardo Calvo, “Tomas Ares” (Xan das Bolai), Dan Van Husen, some surprising plot twists, gory deaths and an ending that divides viewers. I (and several Eurowestern aficionados) consider it well worth your time. It was the last of several westerns that Marchent made.

CUTTING CLASS (1988 US) D: ROSPO PALLENBERG W: STEVE SLAVKIN P: RUDY COHEN/DONALD R. BECK Someone is killing teens at a high school. Donovan Leitch (son of 60s icon/folk singer Donovan) is the ex-asylum inmate prime suspect who hangs around his old best friend Brad Pitt and his girlfriend Jill Schoelen (who seems to be the object of all men’s lust, including lecherous principal Roddy McDowall). A creepy janitor says “I’m the custodian of your destiny” and Pitt and Leitch have a sander duel (!) in the shop class finale (lots of menacing tools). I suppose the best death is when a guy on a trampoline is impaled on the American flag, but I’m still wondering how someone is Xeroxed to death? With Martin Mull, David Clarke (as “crusty old man”) and Norman Alden. I’ve read that it’s a spoof, but I don’t really get it. Pallenberg wrote EXCALIBUR (1981)!

CYBERCLONE See: NATURAL SELECTION

CYBERJACK (virtual assassin) (1995 CAN) D: ROBERT LEE W: ERIC POPPEN P: JOHN A. CURTIS Brion James (looking really weird) and his cronies take hostages at a computer virus research centre of the future. They’re after a supervirus that could rule the world. Michael Dudikoff is the alcoholic ex-cop janitor who tries to stop them, DIE HARD-style, as menacing police robots incorrectly identify him as the intruder. With Suki Kaiser, Garvin Cross, Duncan Fraser, Hiro Kanagawa, Alvin Saunders and Jerry Wasserman. Watchable sci-fi action opens with a quote from Prof Stephen Hawkings.

CYBERNET See: HACKERS

CYBER ROBO See: ROBOWAR

CYBER SOLDIER See: SOLO

CYBER VENGEANCE (1994 CAN) D/W/P: J. CHRISTIAN INGVORTSEN W: JOHN WEINER J. Gregory Smith stars as the warden of a futuristic “virtual prison” where criminals are hooked up to a network of traumatic war scenarios as punishment. He discovers a conspiracy, and it turns into a virtual reality variant of MOST DANGEROUS GAME, with top-billed Robert Davi as the wealthy sadist villain. The action takes place in various time periods like the Civil War, Vietnam, medieval etc. I tried as hard as I could, but eventually the fast forward button had to be deployed. Very, very dull, with dialogue like “you can suck my fuck you”. There is no ending. With Matthias Hues, Ingvordsen (who should be charged on several counts of crimes against cinema), Debbie Rochon and Ella Carter.

CYBER WARS See: EXPECT NO MERCY

CYBORG (1988 US) D: ALBERT PYUN W: KITTY CHALMERS P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS The boring Jean-Claude Van Damme stars as a Christlike figure (he’s even crucified) who has to help a cyborg get to futuristic post-nuke New York with the cure for the plague. This typically useless piece of junk from Pyun was patched together with footage from the unfinished sequel to MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (it looks like it used the sets, also). Vincent Klyn is infinitely more charismatic than Van Damme as the villain. The “muscles from Brussels” was successfully sued by a stuntman who lost vision in one eye after a stunt went wrong. Apparently Van Damme cockily assured everyone he could do the stunt, but the result was disastrous. With Ralf Moeller.

CYBORG 2: GLASS SHADOW (1993 US) D/W: MICHAEL SCHROEDER W: RON YANOVER/MARK ELDMAN P: RAJU PATEL/ALAIN SILVER In a BLADE RUNNER-look future, rival US and Japanese electronics companies fight for control of the planet. The US firm have designed a liquid explosive called “glass shadow” which they inject into kick-boxing cyborg Angelina Jolie (years before she became famous), and plan to send her to Osaka to blow up. Elias Koteas helps her escape from the corporation and they go on the run, aided by a mouth (and occasionally eye) on tv screens (Jack Palance, who also narrates) called Mercy. Billy Drago has an excellent part as a cyborg tracker/assassin who goes after them. He constantly strokes and takes care of his synthetic skin and is even more entertaining to watch than usual. It’s not really that good, but it is enjoyable to watch and is a vast improvement over the first film (which it tries to make tenuous links with by showing footage of Jean-Claude Van Damme). With Allen Garfield, Tracey Walter and Sven-Ole Thorsen.

CYBORG 3: THE RECYCLER (1994 US) D: MICHAEL SCHROEDER W: BARRY VICTOR/TROY BOLOTNICK P: ALAN MEHREZ Cyborgs in the Mojave Desert of the future are tracked by recyclers after bodyparts. Recycler Richard Lynch collects eyeballs and is pursuing a pregnant female cyborg. Top-billed Zach Galligan is a cyborg repairman who helps them fight back so the little second generation borg can be born. John Carl Buechler provided unimpressive FX for this cheap time-waster. Malcolm McDowell turns up just long enough to be credited. With Michael Bailey Smith, Rebecca Ferratti and William Katt.

CYBORG COP (1993 US) D: SAM FIRSTENBERG W: GREG LATTER P: DANNY LERNER When his brother goes missing while on a mission in the Caribbean (actually South Africa) ex-DEA agent David Bradley goes to investigate. The cliché tough action hero finds that his brother has been turned into a cyborg assassin by drug baron John Rhys-Davies (in an enjoyable over-the-top performance). A female reporter love interest helps and there’s a shoot-out in a morgue. Davies (who has a robot phone) says things like, “Ooh, I could smack you sometimes” and, after a guy has had his head punched through, “How about a nice cup of tea”. I enjoyed this ridiculous, violent action movie from the Polish director of NINJA 3: THE DOMINATION.

CYBORG COP 2 (cyborg soldier) (1994 US) D/W: SAM FIRSTENBERG W: JON STEVENS P: DANNY LERNER Violent cop David Bradley puts a psycho criminal behind bars, but a federal agency called ATG (The Anti-Terrorist Group) turn him into a cyborg test subject. Of course he escapes, taking other cyborgs with him. Our above the law hero cuts through all the red tape with his fists. Not particularly good, but it does have enough action and silliness to stop it from getting boring. There is no cyborg cop.

CYBORG COP 3 (1994 US) D: YOSSI WEIN W: JEFF ALBERT/DENNIS DIMSTER This one’s awful with too much unfunny comedy. The plot has human test subjects injected with cockroach DNA to see if they would survive a nuclear war (!), but it’s not as interesting as it sounds. Again, there is no cyborg cop. With Frank Zagarino and Bryan Genesse.

CYBORG EXECUTIONERS See: THE BRONX EXECUTIONER

CYBORG HUNTER: NEW YORK 2019 See: AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK

CYBORG KILLER See: KNIGHTS

CYBORG SOLDIER See: CYBORG COP 2

CYCLE PSYCHO See: SAVAGE ABDUCTION

THE CYCLOPS (1957 US) D/W/P: BERT I. GORDON Gloria Talbot won’t give up the search for her missing fiancé who crash-landed years ago in rough Mexican terrain (which looks suspiciously like Bronson Canyon). She hires three men (James Craig, Tom Drake and cowardly uranium prospector Lon Chaney Jr.) to fly her out there (illegally) and look for him. They discover that the radiation from the rich uranium deposits has resulted in giant wildlife (rear-projection lizards, eagles, mice, tarantulas and iguanas). It’s also transformed the fiancé into a 25 feet tall semi-nudist in a loincloth, with a half-melted face and one big eye! He growls noisily, does battle with a large snake and eventually gets a flaming spear in the eyeball (poor guy). My favourite part is when the heroes sneak past him having a nap on the floor (snoring loudly). Sixty-six amusingly bad mins. The reason the “cyclops” looks so much like the big man in WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST, is because it’s the same actor (Dean Parkin) in similar makeup.

CYCLOPS (1987 JPN) D/W: JOHJI IIDA W: HISASHI SAITO P: IYO SUZUKI This tongue in cheek 50 mins horror uses “cyclops” as a generic term for all bodily mutation. Mayumi Hasegawa is a mutant schoolgirl whose real features only show themselves when she’s in a hysterical emotional state. Kai Atoh is the antihero who hides his disfigurement behind big dark glasses. He’s trying to stop a sinister doctor (director Kazuhiro Sano, I think) from mutating his wife’s baby with overdoses of medicine. The doctor himself is actually conjoined twins in the one body!?! The first 40 mins are pretty uneventful, and then the last 10 suddenly explode into an impressive FX filled finale! This oddity is hard to recommend exactly, but there are worse ways to spend 50 mins. Iida also made BATTLE HEATER.

DADDY-O (downbeat) (1958 US) D: LOU PLACE W: DAVID MOESSINGER P: ELMER C. RIYODEN JR. Dick Contino (a real-life “famed accordionist”) stars in this trashy b/w drag racing juvenile delinquent quickie from AIP, and the director of BEAST WITH A MILLION EYES. Bruno VeSota is a club owner who hires Contino (he also composed the soundtrack) to unwittingly deliver drugs smuggled in from Mexico. It’s a good example of the sneering, teen-appeal tough kid and tight sweater programmers of the era. With Sandra Giles and Hank Mann.

DADDY’S DEADLY DARLINGS See: PIGS

DAD SAVAGE (1997 UK) D: BETSAN MORRIS EVANS W: STEVEN WILLIAMS P: GWYNETH LLOYD/ ROBERT JONES Two young guys (Joe McFadden and Marc Warren) living in the country get involved with small time crook Dad Savage (Patrick Stewart) and try to rip him off. They may have also killed his son. Most of this slow-going thriller is told in flashback. Nothing special. With Kevin McKidd. And with a name like that, the director would have to be Welsh.

DAGON (2001 SPN) D: STUART GORDON W: “DENNIS POOLE” (DENNIS PAOLI) P: BRIAN YUZNA/JULIO FERNANDEZ Victims of a shipwrecked yacht off the Spanish coast seek help in a deserted-looking fishing village. The scary locals turn out to be mutated ex-Christians who worship a sea-god called Dagon which brings them fish and gold in return for human sacrifice. Francisco Rabal (to whom the film is dedicated) explains all in a lengthy flashback. Nightmarish adaption of a H.P. Lovecraft story manages to be very close in atmosphere to the original text while still injecting proceedings with modern gore (a standout face-peeling scene) and nudity (a naked, bloody blonde lowered into a pit on a chain). It’s a welcome return to the days of Gordon, Paoli and Yuzna’s RE-ANIMATOR (another great Lovecraft adaptation). With Uxia Blanco and José Lifante. It’s one of a few Yuzna/Fernandez productions made in Spain (ARACHNID is from the same year).

DAGORA, THE SPACE MONSTER See: DOGORA: THE SPACE MONSTER

DAHMER (2002 US) D/W: DAVID JACOBSON W: DAVID BIRKE (uncredited) P: LARRY RATTNER Jeremy Renner is very good as the serial killer and cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer, who killed and ate male victims in Ohio and Miluakee. If you don’t know the facts about the guy, you’d be better off checking an earlier film called THE SECRET LIFE: JEFFREY DAHMER as this very slight mood piece will infuriate fact seekers. Bruce Davison is his father in flashbacks. If you don’t feel too under-whelmed (it is extremely low-key), there are some nice scenes and it’s very well-done. There was also RAISING JEFFREY DAHMER in 2006.

THE DAI SANGEKI (199? JPN) D/W: HIROSHI MIZUNO P: SHIGE HASEGAWA This mondo tape covers a lot of ground (the Challenger shuttle exploding, Libyan MiGs being shot down, Tienneman Square, Locherby, volcanic eruption in Colombia, the ‘Frisco earthquake etc.) in its 70 mins running time, but it’s mostly network news-style footage that’s bound to disappoint those looking for visceral real-life gore (of which there is very little). There’s also a lot of repetition, so it’s not worth seeking out. The title translates as “Big Tragedy”. [Illus.]

DAIMAJIN (the giant majin; majin, monster of terror) (1966 JPN) D: KIMIYOSHI YASUDA W: TETSURO YOSHIDA P: MASAICHI NAGATA When the poor are persecuted and treated particularly badly by the corrupt rich, a big stone idol that’s encased in a mountain comes to their aid. When soldiers try to deface the GOLEM-like statue (which houses the power of God) it comes to life and stomps the town and people. Only the tears from a woman willing to sacrifice herself stops the destruction. Excellent fable and monster movie should be as well known as the GODZILLA series. With Miwa Takada, Kimiyoshi Fujimaki, Ryouzo Shimada, Tatsuo Endo, Saburo Date. Igoro Onoe, Shousaku Sugiyama and FX from Yoshiyuki Kuroda (100 MONSTERS etc.). RETURN OF DAIMAJIN was next.

DALEKS’ INVASION EARTH 2150 A.D. (1966 UK) D: GORDON FLEMYNG W/P: MILTON SUBOTSKY W: DAVID WHITAKER P: MAX J. ROSENBERG This Amicus (or Aaru) spin-off from the Doctor Who tv series (the second after DR. WHO AND THE DALEKS) may seem like fun nostalgia in retrospect, but is not really very good. Peter Cushing is the Doctor, trying to stop the Daleks (cool and threatening sci-fi monster/robot creations on tv; flimsy easy-to-destroy motorised dustbins through the cold lens of a movie camera) from blowing up the Earth’s core and turn humans into Nazi-like drone slaves (resembling members of Devo). Bernard Cribbins costars as a confused but heroic policeman. The part when a descending bomb is stopped by a few planks of wood is pretty stupid. 2150 AD looks suspiciously like 1966, especially when the human resistance seems made up of cloth cap-and-donkey-jacket-wearing miners and dustmen! With Andrew Keir, Phil Madoc and Jill Curzon. A proposed third big-screen Who/Daleks movie was aborted.

DALE’S FUNNIEST VIDEOS See: UNCLE GODDAMN

THE DALLAS CONNECTION (1994 US) D/W: CHRISTIAN DREW SIDARIS P: BRIAN BENNOS/WESS RAHN The bad guys (including Julie Strain) are after some important microchips worn around the necks of federal agents in this third (and final to date) film directed by the son of executive producers Andy and Arlene Sidaris. No amount of topless scenes and explosions can save this bore. With Bruce Penhall, Samantha Phillips, Wendy Hamilton and Kym Malin.

DAMAGED LIVES (the shocking truth) (1933 US CAN) D/W: EDGAR G. ULMER W: DON DAVIS A young man who works for a shipping company has sex with a prostitute (Charlotte Merriam) at a speakeasy, and passes on his VD to his pregnant wife. The sex and VD, of course, is never mentioned outright. Merriam shoots herself and the wife attempts suicide in this pretty typical “adults only” sex hygiene shocker. A walk through a clinic where patients display their sores and handicaps is the highlight (!?). With Murray Kinnell, Jason Robards Sr., Marceleine Day, George Irving, Harry Myers, Victor Potel, Harrison Greene and Cecilia Parker. This unexceptional b/w quickie based on Eugene Brieux’s play was Ulmer’s first US production. His next was THE BLACK CAT!

DAMIEN: OMEN 2 (1978 US) D: DON TAYLOR W: STANLEY MANN/MIKE HODGES P: HARVEY BERNARD Thirteen-year-old Damien is sent to military academy in this more-of-the-same sequel. With William Holden, Lee Grant, Lew Ayres, Sylvia Sidney, Robert Foxworth, Lance Henriksen, Ian Hendry and Leo McKern. THE FINAL CONFLICT is the title of the third OMEN film.

DAMNATION ALLEY (survival run) (1977 US) D: JACK SMIGHT W: LUKAS HELLER/ALAN SHARP P: PAUL MASLANSKY/JEROME M. ZEITMAN George Peppard and motorcycle-riding Jan-Michael Vincent are the stars in this post-nuke movie. The survivors build an armoured tank called The Landmaster to locate other survivors. En route they encounter freakish weather conditions (due to Earth having been blown off its axis) and a town full of killer cockroaches. There are some survivalists and big scorpions (very bad FX). It’s not very good. Based on a novel by Roger Zelazny. With Paul Winfield, Dominique Sanda, Kip Niven, Robert Donner and Murray Hamilton.

THE DAMNED See: THESE ARE THE DAMNED

DAMNED BY DAWN (2009 AUST) D/W/P: BRETT ANSTEY W: RUSSELL FRIEDRICH/ROB TOWNSHEND P: LUKE GIBSON This low-budget horror turns out to be a Banshee movie (a sub-subgenre, I guess). A woman and her boyfriend visit her father and invalid grandmother (who wears way too much old-age makeup) at their remote house (surrounded by CGI mist). During a storm the old woman dies and a loud screeching can be heard. The Banshee responsible is interrupted in her grief, so a curse brings the dead to life (from nearby ancient burial mounds), and a (pretty cool) flying spectral skeleton (with a scythe). It’s far from perfect, and there are lulls in interest, but this is overall an ambitious, fast-moving and unpredictable oddity with several surprises. Apart from the EVIL DEAD references, it also has an 80s/90s Hong Kong horror vibe to it (especially when a zombie vomits cockroaches). It’s very different to 1970’s CRY OF THE BANSHEE.

THE DAMNED (WITHIN THE SHADOWS) (a christmas nightmare) (2001 US) D/W: VINCE DI MEGLIO W/P: TIM RASMUSSEN I don’t mind a film confusing me or forcing me to work with it to try to figure out what’s going on, but this senseless, confusing and boring semi-horror movie just wastes your time. A married couple (who may have lost a child) are taken to a halfway house by a federal agent when they become part of the witness relocation program. Terrorists who shot a governor appear to be after them. There’s no food or furniture there, and the agent goes missing. I think the house may be haunted or something, and characters may or may not get possessed. At least I know for sure it’s crappy; the rest is (and will remain) unresolved. Oh yeah, it takes place at Christmas (not that it makes a difference).

DANCE CRAZE See: THE CHOPPERS

DANCE MACABRE (phantom of the opera 2) (1991 US SVU) D/W: GREYDON CLARK P: MENAHEM GOLAN Here’s a fucking awful follow up to PHANTOM OF THE OPERA from the none-too-talented Clark, trying to copy Argento this time. Robert Englund has a dual role as an American choreographer at a Russian ballet school run by a crippled ex-ballerina (Englund in drag with a fake pointy nose!) who speaks with a voicebox (and is obviously the killer). Michelle Zeitlin is the rebellious American student heroine. Harry Alan Towers was an executive producer and Clark is in the cast.

DANCE OF THE DRUNK MANTIS (drunken master part 2; naam bak chui kuen; nam bei sui quan) (1979 HK) D: YUEN WOO PING W/P: NG SEE YUEN W: SIAO LUNG Here’s the unofficial sequel to the hit DRUNKEN MASTER. Hwang Jang Lee is the villainous Rubber Legs, who has combined Northern drunken boxing with Mantis style. He travels south (with mean sidekick Cory Yuen Kwai) to challenge the master of Southern drunken boxing, Sam the Seed (Simon Yuen Siu Tien). Yuen Shun Yi (who you’ve probably seen playing villains in the MIRACLE FIGHTERS films) is Sam the Seed’s adopted son, who learns techniques from his new dad and uncle Yen Shi Kwan, so he can take on the evil bastards from the north. Both Yuen’s Shun Yi and Woo Ping choreographed the plentiful top-notch fight action. A must for all fans of the genre. With Chin Yuet San, Brandy Yuen, Dean Shek and David Du Wai Dai.

DANCE OF THE DWARFS (jungle heat) (1983 US PHIL) D: GUS TRIKONIS W: GREGORY WESTON KING/LARRY K. JOHNSON W/P: MICHAEL VINER A female anthropologist hires sleazy alcoholic helicopter pilot Peter Fonda to take her into the Filipino jungles where she believes a tribe of pygmies has been sighted. They turn out to be reptilian/amphibian men-in-monster-suits. With John Amos, Chiquita the wonder chicken, a little gore and a stupid surprise ending. Rubbish. Based on a novel by Geoffrey Household. Eddie Romero is credited as “administrator”.

DANCE OF THE VAMPIRES See: THE FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLERS

DANCES WITH SNAKES See: EROTIC CHINA DOLLS DANCE WITH THE DEVIL See: PERDITA DURANGO DANCING OUTLAW (1991 US) D/P: JACOB YOUNG Twenty-nine mins made-for-tv documentary about a hillbilly Appalachia tap-dancer (Jesco White) and Elvis impersonator (and his family) who talks about his juvenile delinquent gas-huffing days, his legendary tap dancer father and family feuds. These people are not really outrageous enough for this to be good rednecksploitation and Jesco isn’t really that interesting (or, as far as I can tell, that talented) to warrant a serious look. Surprisingly he, and this doc, do have their fans. Extensive outtakes double the running time. Part two (JESCO GOES TO HOLLYWOOD) followed in 1999.

DANGAN RUNNER (non-stop) (1996 JPN) D/W: “SABU” (HIROYUKI TANAKA) P: MOTO SETA Tanaka was the young yakuza in Katsuhiro Otomo’s WORLD APARTMENT HORROR. This is his directorial debut. Tomoroh Taguchi is a put-upon loser who wants to rob a bank. Diamond Yukai is a convenience store worker/wannabe musician heroin addict, and Shinnichi Tsutsumi is an ashamed yakuza. The entertaining, clever story shows the chain of events proceeding and following a long chase on-foot across Tokyo by the three leads. It has a nonlinear structure that may lead some to dub it Tarantinoesque, but it’s more refreshing than that. With Ren Osugi, Keisuke Horibe, Akaji Maro, Yurei Yanagi and Sabu himself (who also sings the theme tune with Taguchi). Tanaka’s next film (POSTMAN BLUES) had similar themes but is even better.

DANGER BENEATH THE SEA (poseidon) (2001 US GER) D: JON CASSAR W: LUCIAN TRUSCOTT IV P: MARY PANTELIDIS A submarine loaded with nukes loses contact with HQ after North Korean missile testing disrupts its radio contact. A mutiny occurs as crew members believe there has been a nuclear attack. Casper Van Dien is not-too-convincing as the sub commander with a cool head who doesn’t want to counterattack. Utter boredom beneath the sea. With Gerald McRaney, Stewart Bick, Tammy Isbell, Ron White, Kim Poirier, Vince Corazza and Russell Yuen.

DANGER!! DEATH RAY (nest of spies; nido de espias; il raggio infernale) (1968 ITL SPN) D: “FRANK G. CARROLL” (GIANFRANCO BALDANELLO) W: “PAUL FLEMING” (DOMENICO PAOLELLA)/ALDO CRISTIAN/JAIME COSMAS GIL/“DICK ARTHUR” (JUAN ANTONIO CABEZAS) A scientist and his disintergrator ray are kidnapped and taken by (toy) helicopter to a (toy) submarine. Gordon Scott is secret agent Bart Fargo, who does the usual Bond imitation in this typically lacklustre Eurospy adventure. With “Ted Carter” (Nello Pazzafini), Alberto Dalbes, Silvia Solar, Ignazio Balsamo, Valentino Macchi and Fernando Rubio.

DANGER: DIABOLIK (diabolik) (1967 ITL FRA) D/W: MARIO BAVA W: ADRIANO BARACCO/BRIAN DEGAS/TUDOR GATES/ANGELA GUISSANI/LUCIANA GUISSANI/ARDVINO MAIURI P: DINO DE LAURENTIIS/ BRUNO TOPIN John Phillip Law is mastercriminal Diabolik, who makes a laughing stock of the police by committing grand thefts right under their nose. He hangs out with sexy accomplice Marisa Mell in a huge underground complex while plotting the next job (undertaken while dressed head-to-toe in either balck leather or white PVC). Mobster boss Adolfo Celi and inspector Michel Piccoli try to catch him. Very cool, very colourul and very 60s anti-hero crime caper (along the same lines as the FANTOMAS fims) looks great and features an Ennio Morricone score you’re sure to like. With Terry-Thomas, Claudio Gura, Renzo Palmer, Caterina Boratto, Federico Boido, Carlo Croccolo and Adrea Boisc. It was spoofed in HOW TO KILL 400 DUPONTS the same year.

DANGER ON THE AIR (1938 US) D: OTIS GARRETT W: BETTY LAIDLAW/ROBERT LINELY P: IRVING STARR Who killed Mr. Kluck (Berton Churchill) in the VIP lounge of a radio station, and how? Donald Woods helps starlet-in-danger Nan Grey find out in this fun, breezy b/w whodunnit, the fourth in the low-budget Crime Club Production line (initiated by THE WESTLAND CASE the previous year) released by Universal. It’s based on Death Catches Up With Mr. Kluck by “Xantippe”. Note 26-year-old Lee J. Cobb playing his first important role as Tom, the elderly janitor with a cod Italian accent. With Jed Prouty, William Lundigan, Richard “Skeets” Gallagher, Ed Van Sloan, George Meeker, Johnny Arthur, Don Brodie, Harry Strang, Tom Kennedy, Jack Richardson and Dick Rush. Next in the series of 11 was THE LAST EXPRESS (1938).

DANGER ON TIKI ISLAND See: BRIDES OF BLOOD

DANGEROUS CHARTER See: THE CREEPING TERROR

DANGEROUS ENCOUNTERS: FIRST KIND (don’t play with fire; playing with fire; di yi lei xing wei xian; dai yat lui ying aau him) (1980 HK) D/W: TSUI HARK W: CHEUK-HON SZETO A deranged young woman (seen actually killing a cat) blackmails students she has witnessed killing someone in a hit-and-run accident, thereby funding urban terrorist attacks with a stack of weapons pilfered from the triads. An unflinching, headlong descent into a grim, violent and senseless world of angry conflict, this remarkable gem is probably Hark’s finest work as director prior to ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA. I won’t say any more so as not to spoil the story for you, so check it out. With Lo Lieh in one of his finest roles, Ray Lui, David Wu Dai Wai, Bruce Baron (later a Godfrey Ho ninja regular), future FREDDY VS. JASON director Ronny Yu and a cameo from Hark. Some Goblin music from DAWN OF THE DEAD was “borrowed” too.

DANGEROUS FEMALE (the maltese falcon) (1931 US) D: ROY DEL RUTH W: MAUDE FULTON/BROWN HOLMES The first version of Dashiell Hammett’s novel may not be as slick, stylish and rewatchable as the classic 1941 version (that borrows a lot from this), but it does offer some great pre-Hayes Code atmosphere that’s more than a little hard-boiled. Ricardo Cortez’s Sam Spade is a horny, snide character who looks out only for himself. He has some cracking dialogue like “what’s on your mind, except your hat”. In a few years, lingering shots of a woman adjusting her tights (light stuff today, of course) would be a real no-no. With Bebe Daniels, Dudley Digges, Una Merkel, Robert Elliott, Thelma Todd, Otto Matieson, Walter Long, Dwight Frye (in DRACULA the same year), J. Farrell MacDonald, Oscar Apfel, Agostino Borgato, Cliff Saum and Morgan Wallace. The next version was SATAN WAS A LADY in 1936. The earliest Hammett adaption (of his Red Harvest, the basis for YOJIMBO) is ROADHOUSE NIGHTS from 1930.

A DANGEROUS FRIEND See: SKIPPER

A DANGEROUS GAME See: SNAKE EYES (1993)

DANGEROUS OBSSESSION See: THE DEVIL’S HONEY

DANGEROUS PREY (1995 CAN) D: LLOYD A. SIMANDL W: CHRISTOPHER HYDE P: MICHAEL MAZO Shannon Whirry is an innocent woman convicted of murder who’s given the option of joining a group of female assassins called Falcons in this NIKITA copy with catfights, lesbian groping and lots of bitchiness (“who pissed in your cornflakes?”). Not very good, but more watchable than POINT OF NO RETURN. With Kiara Hunter. Filmed in Czechoslovakia.

DANGEROUS SEDUCTRESS (ghoul) (1992 INDO PHIL) D/W: “JOHN MILLER” (H. TJUT DJALIL) P: RAM SORAYA This begins in LA with a car chase. After two jewel thieves die in a car crash, one of their fingers crawls away and joins with some amulet. Lightning hits it and a skeleton climbs out of the ground and reassembles itself into a woman (cool stop-motion work). She cuts off a dog’s head and sucks its guts out through the neck. A man punches a blonde during rough sex, so she goes to stay with her model sister. This is just a really roundabout way to get her to read from a book on Indonesian black magic. This eventually results in the blonde becoming a possessed, glamorous succubus in Jakarta who seduces men and drinks their blood during kinky sex. The acting and the theme tune are awful. It starts off well, and I recognised the director’s name from MYSTICS IN BALI, LADY TERMINATOR and THE WARRIOR AND THE NINJA, so I was ready for some outrageous fun. But it soon wears out its welcome and is nothing to write home about.

DANGEROUS TALES: THREE DREAM STORIES (abunai hanashi: mugen monogatari) (1989 JPN) D: KAZUYUKI IZUTSU/TOMOAKI TAKAHASHI D/W: KIYOSHI KUROSWA P: JUNJI SAKAMOTO/NORIMASA TAKEI/MADOKA OIIKAWA P: KATSUNORI ARAI/AKIRA MORISHIGE/TETSUO OHIRA/ATSUSHI WATANABE An anthology of unrelated stories loosely dealing with fear. In the first, Naoto Takenaka is a drunk businessman who unwittingly stumbles into a restaurant occupied by rival yakuza gangs. The second by Kurosawa (DOOR 3) has a Tokyo mystery writer terrorised by two figures in traditional monk outfits while staying at a remote countryside cottage. The third by Takahashi (DOOR 1 and 2) has a bank-robbing couple go their separate ways after she’s recognised. She returns with her face altered by plastic surgery. Despite some of the promising names attached to this project, none of the stories are very good or scary and it’s all pretty much a waste of time. With Shiro Sano, Renji Ishibashi, Mari Torigowe, Yoriko Douguchi and Toshiyuki Nagashima. Actor Kazuhiko Hasegawa was originally to have helmed a fourth segment that was never made.

DANGER ZONE (backlash) (1995 US) D: ALLAN EASTMAN W: JEFF ALBERT W/P: DANNY LERNER P: ELIE SAMAHA Billy Zane is falsely accused of poisoning an African river with toxic waste. His expartner Robert Downey Jr. could be responsible, but with Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa in the cast, you know you need look no further for the villain. I just wish he was in better stuff than this very bad Nu Image action flick which includes the worst wisecracks I’ve heard in a while. With Ron Silver. Zane was co-producer.

DANGER ZONE (2000) See: TURBULENCE 3: HEAVY METAL

DANIEL AND THE DEVIL See: THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER

DANTE’S PEAK (1997 US) D: ROGER DONALDSON W: LESLIE BOHEM P: GALE ANNE HURD/JOSEPH M. SINGER Not bad formula driven disaster flick has seismologist Pierce Brosnan discovering that a small-town in Washington is about to be destroyed by a volcano eruption. Linda Hamilton co-stars, with Grant Heslov, Lee Garlington and Peter Jason. VOLCANO was the other (slightly better) 97 volcano hit.

DAO See: THE BLADE

DAO HUN See: CLUTCH OF POWER

DAREDEVIL (2003 US) D/W: MARK STEVEN JOHNSON P: AVI ARAD/GARY FOSTER/ARNON MILCHAN Ben Affleck stars as Marvel Comics superhero Daredevil, a blind NYC lawyer with radar-like supersenses who punishes guilty fat-cat criminals who can afford to keep themselves out of prison. Don’t expect anything mind blowing, but this is a pretty good and thoroughly engaging big-budget popcorn superhero hit. With Jennifer Garner, Colin Farrell, Michael Clarke Duncan as Kingpin, Jon Favreau, Kevin Smith as a forensic scientist, Joe Pantoliano, Erick Avari, David Keith, Paul Ben-Victor, Leland Orser, John Rothman, Greg Collins, Frank Miller, Kane Hodder, Mark Margolis and executive producer Stan Lee.

THE DAREDEVILS See: SHAOLIN DAREDEVILS

DAREDEVILS OF KUNG FU See: SHAOLIN DAREDEVILS

DARIO ARGENTO: MASTER OF HORROR (1991 ITL) D/W: LUIGI COZZI If you agree with the title, you might enjoy this sequel to (the better) DARIO ARGENTO’S WORLD OF HORROR (1985). It’s an ok documentary. However, if you think Argento is seriously overrated (like I do), don’t waste your time.

THE DARK (the mutilator) (1978 US) D: JOHN “BUD” CARDOS/TOBE HOPPER (uncredited) W: STANFORD WHITMORE P: DICK CLARK/EDWARD L. MONTORO A zombie is ripping off heads (offscreen) and killing one person a night on the streets of LA. William Devane stars as a novelist and formerly convicted murderer whose daughter was a victim (he doesn’t act like it). Richard Jaeckel is an overworked cop who resents Devane and his vigilante behaviour. Hooper didn’t last long in the director’s chair (he went on to ’SALEM’S LOT) before being replaced by Cardos (whose previous flick was KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS). Production troubles didn’t stop there. After bad response at initial screenings as a straight horror flick, Film Ventures International recut the film with a post-STAR WARS sci-fi edge. The zombie (played by John Bloom from DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN) now shoots lasers from its eyes. This is pretty cool, but very rarely seen, and unfortunately the movie is mostly talk, talk, talk. Mysteriously, it never gets too boring, but is definitely a missed opportunity. With Cathy Lee Crosby, Keenan Wynn, Casey Kasem, Vivian Blaine, Philip Michael Thomas (from Miami Vice) and Angelo Rossitto selling newspapers on the street (as he did in real-life).

DARK AGE (monster crocodile; crocodile hunter; blood surf 2) (1986 AUSL) D: ARCH NICHOLSON W: SONIA BORG/STEPHEN CROSS/TONY MORPHETT P: BASIL APPLEBY A giant saltwater crocodile swims upstream to Queensland after a heavy rain and eats people. A conservationist tries to help a tribe of Aborigines move the unique prehistoric croc back to its home, while arsehole poachers try to kill it. Based on Grahame Webb’s novel Numuwan (aka Killer Croc), this has a lot more social commentary and ecological issues than most giant reptile movies, but is not much better or any more entertaining. With David Gulpilil (from THE LAST WAVE and WALKABOUT).

DARK ANGEL (i come in peace) (1989 US) D: CRAIG R. BAXLEY W: JONATHAN TYDOR/LEONARD MAAS JR. P: JEFF YOUNG Matthias Hues is a tall, invincible albino-look alien drug-dealer who comes to Earth, injects victims with lethal doses of heroin and then siphons out the resulting endorphin rush (to sell to his own race). He says, “I come in peace”, before slitting throats with a gun that shoots spinning discs. Dolph Lundgren stars as the tough no-rules cop trying to stop it with the help of comic relief FBI agent Brian Benben and a good alien cop. Despite being filled with clichés, this is a superior and entertaining sci-fi action movie. With Michael J. Pollard and Jesse Vint. Mark Damon was an executive producer.

DARK ASYLUM (asylum) (2001 US) D/W: GREGORY GIERAS W: D.B. SMITH P: PATRICK EWALD/ VICKY PIKE/MORRIS RUSKIN Big Larry Drake is a nutcase who keeps the corpses of those he’s killed in his underground sewer hideout. When the cops catch him they put him in an almost deserted asylum (which is about to close down) while they wait for the Feds to arrive. Paulina Porizowka is a doctor who’s trapped inside (with comic relief inmate Judd Nelson) when the inevitable happens and Drake escapes. Jürgen Prochnow is the warden who dies early on. The deaths seem as if they’re supposed to be gore highlights, but nothing is ever shown. And the Feds take their time to arrive on the scene. Pretty useless stuff, with an acting turn from director Jeff Burr.

DARK CITY (1997 US) D/W/P: ALEX PROYAS W: LEM DOBBS/DAVID S. GOYER P: ANDREW MASON Interesting sci-fi from the director of THE CROW is far from perfect and does have its flaws, but it’s ambitious, different and well worth a look. Richard O’Brien is one of a race of bald pale aliens who can float, and send the residents of the title city to sleep while they transform the surrounding architecture with their minds (“tuning”). Keifer Sutherland is their human assistant who injects new memories into people’s heads before they wake up. Rufus Sewell stars as a confused, reluctant hero who can also tune and is less susceptible to brainwashing. Borrowing from many other films, including THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL, this neglected gem manages to make it all its own and emerges as something unique and memorable. William Hurt (as a detective) and Jennifer Connelly (lounge singer) co-star, with Ian Richardson, Colin Friels, Bruce Spence, John Bluthal, Melissa George, Nicholas Bell and David Weinham. It was filmed in LA and New South Wales, Australia. In memory of Dennis Potter.

DARK CONFESSIONS (chained heat 3; auction) (1997 CAN CZE) D/P: LLOYD A. SIMANDL W: DAVID SPERANZA/CHRISTOPHER HYDE Two American women (one is Kate Rodger) in an unspecified foreign country (it was filmed in the Czech Republic) are arrested for speeding by a corrupt lesbian cop (who reminded me a little of Gina Gershon) and end up at a big old castle, the captives of monk-robe-wearing Brother Benedict. They’re drugged, abused, collared and numbered, and join other girls who are being auctioned off to “special clients”. Downbeat nonsense features endless nudity and lesbian gropings, but is not sexy and not sleazy or gratuitous enough to cut it as memorable trash. Chances are, if Simandl’s behind the wheel, then you don’t want to see it. With Tina Leiu.

DARK DAYS (2000 US) D/P: MARC SINGER Extraordinary b/w 16mm documentary film on homeless crackheads living in makeshift shacks in rat-infested underground tunnels beneath the Amtrak subway lines in NYC. The young first-time director (who lived down there at the time) is not THE BEASTMASTER. With music by DJ Shadow. Check this one out.

DARKEND ROOM (2002 US) D/W/P: DAVID LYNCH Eight mins long. Jordan Ladd sits down in a dark room crying. Cerina Vincent talks to her menacingly about something. A Japanese woman talks to the camera. One of the least interesting (to me at least) things that Lynch has ever done.

THE DARK EYES OF LONDON (the human monster) (1939 UK) D/W: WALTER SUMMERS W/P: JOHN ARGYLE W: PATRICK KIRWIN Unfairly neglected (and strong for the time) b/w adaptation of an Edgar Wallace story really plays up the horrific Grand Guignol elements as Bela Lugosi (in one of his best, more restrained performances) plays both Dr. Orloff, an insurance salesman, and a kindly-seeming old man who runs a school for the blind (O.B. Clarence provides the voice for this character). Customers who get their insurance from him usually end up drowned in the muddy bogs of the Thames river, but their lungs are filled with clear water. Hugh Williams is the cop on the case and pretty Greta Gynt is the lady in danger. And let us not forget that Bela has a deformed brute assistant who kills for him (the makeup is still amazing). This highly recommended fast-paced romp was remade in Germany in 1961. Argyle followed with THE DOOR WITH SEVEN LOCKS in 1940.

DARK EYES OF LONDON (1961) See: DEAD EYES OF LONDON

DARK FIGHTER 8 See: THE DEVIL’S 8

DARK FORTRESS See: A NYMPHOID BARBARIAN IN DINOSUAR HELL

THE DARK HALF (1991 US) D/W: GEORGE A. ROMERO P: DECLAN BALDWIN Romero (also an executive producer) adapted a Stephen King novel and, despite its shortcomings, is head and shoulders above most other attempts. Timothy Hutton is an author whose horror novel pseudonym/alter ego George Stark (in homage to the career schizophrenia of Donald E. Westlake) comes to life and starts to kill. The plot is a little more complex than that, but you should find out for yourself (despite the overlength). Amy Madigan is his wife and Michael Rooker is the sheriff. With Royal Dano in his final role, Julie Harris, Chelsea Field, Robert Joy, Beth Grant and J. Michael Hunter. Romero didn’t direct a feature again until BRUISER in 2000.

DARK HIGHWAY See: MOONSHINE HIGHWAY

DARK HOUSE (2009 US) D/W: DARIN SCOTT W: KERRY DOUGLAS DYE P: MARK SONODA/NICK ALLAN Jeffrey Combs (who still hasn’t seen fit to tone it down after all these years) hires a bunch of acting students to take part in the press showing of his new haunted house attraction, built inside an abandoned former house for foster children, which is the site of several grisly child murders 16 years previous. A ghost gets inside the advanced holographic hardware that provides the thrills, and soon the gory deaths become real (one involves an iron maiden). Scott has produced some good movies in the past (TALES FROM THE HOOD, MENACE II SOCIETY, FEAR OF A BLACK HAT), but this annoying bore doesn’t even come close.

DARK INFERNO See: BLACKOUT (2001)

DARK INTRUDER (1965 US) D: HARVEY HART W: BARRE LYNDON P: JACK LAIRD A failed 59 mins pilot for a proposed tv series (to have been called The Black Cloak) that was sent to theatres instead. Leslie Nielsen stars as a dapper, wealthy socialite and occultist in San Francisco 1890. He has a dwarf butler/assistant, a secret lab and, like Sherlock Holmes, wears disguises and aids the police. A rash of Jack the Ripper-like killings leaves victims with claw marks, while small ivory statuettes of an ancient Sumerian demon god are found at the murder scenes. I for one regret that this never became a series (an interesting precursor to Kolchak: The Night Stalker); what remains is pretty cool. John F. Warren provides excellent noir-like b/w photography, and Lalo Schifrin the score. Peter Mark Richman co-stars in a genuinely bizarre story that must have inspired BASKET CASE! With Werner Klemperer, Vaughn Taylor, Peter Brocco as a Chinaman, Bill Quinn, Holly Bane and Al Lettieri. It has similarities with CHAMBER OF HORRORS, another (colour) failed tv pilot the following year that went to the big-screen. Lyndon is most famous for adapting H.G. Wells for THE WAR OF THE WORLDS. Laird later created the Night Gallery series.

THE DARK IS DEATH’S FRIEND (the killer must strike again; l’assassino è costretto ad uccidere ancora; il ragino; la morte è come un ragno) (1975 ITL FRA) D/W: LUIGI COZZI W: DANIELE DEL GIUDICE George Hilton spots a killer disposing of a corpse one night and blackmails him into murdering his rich wife (Teresa Velásquez), but things get more complicated when the killer’s car (with the body in the trunk) is stolen by a young couple on their way to the beach. Cozzi’s cinematic feature debut (after a short and a tv movie) is slow-moving but well done, with some effective moments. Eduardo Fajardo is a smart cop who suspects Hilton from the beginning. With Fenni Benussi, Dario Griachi, Luigi Antonio Guerra, Carla Mancini and Sydne Rome.

DARK LADY OF KUNG FU (dark lady of the butterfly; di wu ying) (1981 TAI) D/W: PEARL CHEUNG P: CHANG TIN CHU Cheung stars as female Robin Hood “Lady Butterfly”. She wears a cycle cap, mask and hat and bathes in a big shell while her four male companions muck about. More weirdness from Cheung (WOLF DEVIL WOMAN), but unfortunately it’s not very entertaining. With some hopping vampires that respond to the CLOSE ENCOUNTERS tune, and Tin Peng.

DARK LADY OF THE BUTTERFLY See: DARK LADY OF KUNG FU

DARKMAN (1990 US) D/W: SAM RAIMI W: CHUCK PFARRER/IVAN RAIMI/DANIEL GOLDIN/ JOSHUA GOLDIN P: ROBERT G. TAPERT Years before hitting it big with SPIDER-MAN, Raimi directed the best of the early 90s slew of superhero movies (although this isn’t based on a comic book). Liam Neeson is the title character, a scientist whose lab for engineering synthetic skin is blown up. As a scarred angel of vengeance he returns to kill the gangsters responsible (led by finger collecting Larry Drake), using realistic face masks to his advantage. Tony Gardener and Larry Hamilton’s FX are great, and though a little thin on the ground, it’s a lot of fun. With Frances McDormand, Nicholas Worth, Prof. Tanaka, Jenny Agutter, Colin Friel, John Landis, Thedore Raimi, Aaron Lustig, Julius W. Harris, William Lustig, Scott Spiegel, Neal McDonough and Bruce Campbell.

DARKMAN 2: THE RETURN OF DURANT (1994 US) D: BRADFORD MAY W: STEVEN McKAY/ROBERT EISELE/LAWRENCE HERTZOG P: DAVID ROESSELL This direct-to-video sequel was filmed back to back with the third in Toronto for executive producers Sam Raimi and Robert G. Tapert’s Renaissance Pictures. Arnold Vosloo is Darkman. Durant (Larry Drake, returning from the original) comes out of his coma and starts marketing a new advanced laser weapon. A highlight is when the LA Law star throws an associate off a high-rise in a golf cart. Vosloo has his own underground mini train. It’s reasonably entertaining. With Kim Delaney, Lawrence Dane, David Ferry, Jack Langedjik, Phillip Jarrett and a black bouncer called Bubba. Director May was also the photographer.

DARKMAN 3: DIE, DARKMAN, DIE (1995 US) D: BRADFORD MAY W: MICHAEL COLLEARY/MIKE WEBB P: DAVID ROESSELL Arnold Vosloo returns in this lesser sequel. Jeff Fahey is the gangster villain who wants Vosloo’s adrenaline to make illegal steroids. There’s not much action, mostly talk and the plot is pretty pathetic. With Nigel Bennett, Roxann Biggs Dawson and Shawn Doyle. May also handled the photography.

THE DARKNESS BEYOND See: L’AL TROVE

DARKNESS FALLS (2003 US AUSL) D: JONATHAN LIEBESMAN W/P: JOHN FASANO W: JOSEPH HARRIS/ JAMES VANDERBILT P: JOHN HEGERMAN/WILLIAM SHERAK/JASON SHURMA Chan Kley is a young man still traumatised by the death of his mother at the hands of a tooth fairy ghost out for vengeance against the town that hanged her for a crime she didn’t commit. Childhood girlfriend Emma Caulfield calls him back to his cursed home-town when little boy Lee Cormie exhibits the same signs of extreme fear of the dark that he did as a child. Expanded from a five mins short called TOOTH FAIRY, this is a forgettable by-the-numbers spook story that lacks a good, scary ghost. It’s set in America but was filmed in Australia, so the accents are very confused. Lou Arkoff was executive producer.

DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW (1981 US) D: FRANK De FELITTA W: J.D. FEIGELSON P: BOBBI FRANK Charles Durning is at his most slimy as the leader of a rural lynch mob that shoot retarded Larry Drake, hiding in a scarecrow after he’s falsely accused of the murder of a child. The scarecrow returns to haunt Durning and Co in this surprisingly effective and creepy tv movie that’s well worth catching. With Lane Smith. Felitta is also a horror novelist.

DARK PLANET See: LAST EXIT TO EARTH

THE DARK POWER (indian zombie) (1985 US) D/W/P: PHIL SMOOT P: GEORGE B. WALKER Along with something like THE DEADLY SPAWN, here’s a good example of how to make a good, fun movie on a low budget. When an old Native Indian dies, the house on the land he was protecting from evil becomes a sorority house. Ancient Mexican Toltec Indians (that predate the Aztecs) attack the students with bow and arrow and throwing axes (and wear scary masks). Lash LaRue (a star of many low-budget westerns since the 40s onwards) is the whip wielding ranger hero who turns up to save the day. It has a very likeable attitude, with a nice sense of humour and an effective soundtrack. ALIEN OUTLAW is another Smoot/LaRue obscurity (which has now surfaced on dvd). “Alright you demonic bastard. Let’s take this outside”.

DARK REFLECTION See: NATURAL SELECTION

DARK REMAINS (ghost prison) (2005 US) D/W: BRIAN AVENET-BRADLEY P: LAWRENCE AVENETBRADLEY A little girl’s throat is slit in her bed one night, no one knows who or why. Her grieving parents go to a remote cabin on a mountain to try to start over. She’s a photographer who begins seeing the ghost of her little girl in photos taken at a nearby abandoned prison. It seems that their cabin and the area has a history of tragic death. Very serious horror movie is also very dry and dull. Shot in Georgia.

DARK SIDE OF THE MOON (1989 US) D: D.J. WEBSTER W: CAREY W. HAYES/CHAD HAYES P: KEITH WALLEY In 2022, a maintenance ship on its way to mend a satellite suffers a complete loss in power. The crew board an old NASA shuttle for fuel and bring back the body of a man with a triangular-shaped hole in his stomach. The body comes to life, speaks with an echo voice and seems to infect other crew members. Someone works out that it all has something to do with the Bermuda Triangle (!) and 666, the Mark of the Beast. The ship computer appears to be a woman sitting in a chair?!? All this nonsensical crap doesn’t disguise the fact that here is yet another lousy ALIEN clone. Joseph Turkel has his last feature role to date as science officer. With Robert Sampson, John Diehl and Alan Blumenfeld.

DARK STAR (1972/74 US) D/W/P: JOHN CARPENTER W: DAN O’BANNON Carpenter’s feature debut was originally a USC short that ran about 45 mins. He called back the actors for extensive reshoots for a theatrical release. The padding is more than evident (especially the scenes with the alien beachball), but no matter, this is still a fun and extremely well made low-buget gem that has a great, memorable ending. The plot revolves around a bored spaceship crew who bomb unstable planets. O’Bannon (who later hit it big by writing ALIEN) is in the cast, also with Nick Castle. I would imagine it inspired the Red Dwarf tv show.

DARK SUMMER See: THE IN CROWD

DARKTOWN STRUTTERS (get down and boogie) (1975 US) D: WILLIAM WITNEY W: GEORGE ARMITAGE P: GENE CORMAN I appreciate that this black cast comedy musical is one of the strangest of its era, but it’s a little too silly and strained for laughs for my taste. Trina Parks (from DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER and THE MUTHERS) leads a trio of garishly dressed biker women on tricycles in Watts. They team up with a male biker gang against dumb cops (including Dick Miller) who have a giant siren on top of their car and a Colonel Sanders lookalike cloning blacks in a dungeon lab. A few choice moments are downright surreal. With Roger E. Mosley and The Dramatics doing a number. It was Witney’s final credit. Armitage had already directed the decent black GET CARTER retread HIT MAN (among others).

DARK UNIVERSE (1993 US) D/W/P: STEVE LATSHAW W/P: PATRICK MORAN W: FRED OLEN RAY A space programme rivaling NASA (and backed by Joe Estevez!) put a shuttle into space. The shuttle crash-lands into a swamp on its return and astronaut Steve Barkett mutates. Horny teens and an archaeology team are killed off by the reptilian monster with spiky teeth and extending tongue that he transforms into. Mostly filmed in Orlando, with parts shot in the Florida Everglades (note William Grefe cameo!). Deadly dull for the most part, and pretty senseless. Moran also has a part, and also made VAMPIRE TRAILER PARK (1991) with Latshaw (who’s written a bunch of crap for executive producers Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski). Ray also did some second unit work, and Jim Danforth provides some matte painting. With Blake Pickett and Dave “Sasquatch” Ward.

DARK WATER (honogurai mizu no soko kara) (2002 JPN) D: HIDEO NAKATA W: YOSHIHIRO NAMAKURA/ KENICHI SUZUKI P: TAKASHIGE ICHISE Recent divorcee proofreader Hitomi Kuroki attempts to gain custody of her young daughter while moving into a new apartment building. Water leaks in through a crack in the ceiling, a mysterious red bag keeps reappearing and it all seems connected to a little girl who disappeared from the same place earlier. Well-mounted scare picture based on a novel by Koji Suzuki is more successful than Nakata’s hit 98 version of Suzuki’s RING. It could have done without the epilogue though. With Fumiyo Kohinata and Shigemitsu Ogi. Jennifer Connelly starred in a 2005 Hollywood remake.

DARK WATERS (dead waters; suspiria nightmare) (1994 UK ITL RUS) D/W: MARIANO BAINO W: ANDREW M. BARK P: VICTOR ZUEV A London-raised young woman travels to an archaic island convent in an unspecified (English speaking) country (it was filmed in Russia and the Ukraine) to visit her friend and find out something about her past. This very atmospheric horror movie is filled with powerful images and strange creepy characters, but is too low on a coherent storyline to be completely successful. Still, it’s a superior little gem that’s well worth watching.

DARK WATERS (from depth) (2002 US) D/W/P: PHILLIP J. ROTH W: BRETT ORR P: JEFFERY BEACH Skint research scientists Lorenzo Lamas and Simmone MacKinnon are hired to take their experimental deep sea submarine to its maximum depth capacity. They discover aggressive DEEP BLUE SEA-inspired sharks being groomed by the military. We don’t see much of them, however, but we do get plenty of dull action on cramped sets. With Bruce Gray and Tyrone Pinkham.

THE DARK WIND (1994 US) D: ERROL MORRIS W: NEAL JIMINEZ/ERIC BERGEN P: PATRICK MARKEY Lou Diamond Phillips (who’s surprisingly better than usual) is a native Navajo detective trying to solve a murder mystery that may involve Hopi witchcraft. Good atmosphere and an intriguing setting (and very good acting) can’t help a slow, ponderous script (based on a novel by Tony Hillerman) that doesn’t really go anywhere. A missed opportunity from a director famed for his documentaries. Robert Redford was executive producer. Followed by the tv movies COYOTE WAITS and A THIEF OF TIME a decade later.

D.A.R.Y.L. (1985 US) D: SIMON WINCER W: DAVID AMBROSE/ALLAN SCOTT/JEFFREY M. ELLIS P: JOHN HEYMAN Michael McKean and Mary Beth Hurt adopt a kid who turns out to be a government robot who’s broken his programming. I liked this heartwarming family sci-fi a lot when I was a kid, and it’s better than SHORT CIRCUIT. With Josef Sommer and Colleen Camp.

DATE WITH A KIDNAPPER See: KIDNAPPED COED

DATE WITH AN ANGEL (1987 US) D/W: TOM McLOUGHLIN P: MARTHA SCHUMACHER This terrible fantasy comedy stars Emanuelle Beart as an angel fallen to Earth. She falls in love with mortal Michael E. Knight and gets addicted to french fries. With Phoebe Cates, David Dukes, Bibi Besch, Charles Lane and McLoughlin (who directed FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 6).

DAUGHTER OF DARKNESS (1989 US) D: STUART GORDON W: ANDREW LASKOS P: ANDRAS HAMORI Mia Sara travels to Romania to find her long-lost father (Anthony Perkins) and discovers that she has vampire relatives. This above average tv movie scores points for adding variety to the vampire legend (they bite with split tongues), but will more than likely disappoint fans of Gordon’s outrageous RE-ANIMATOR. With Dezso Garas and Ferenc Nemethy.

DAUGHTER OF DARKNESS (mit moon chaam ngon ji yip saai; mie men can an zhi nie sha) (1993 HK) D/W: IVAN LAI GAI MING Lily Chung Suk Wai (from RED TO KILL) walks into a police station to report her family’s murder. Detective Anthony Wong (and a new female sidekick) investigates. He squeezes dead women’s tits and sniffs their crotches. Turns out that sordid family secrets, including incestual rape, led to the massacre. This ultra sleazy slice of Category III exploitation includes plenty of great scenes of the frequently nude Suk Wai being raped and sexually humiliated, and some gore. It’s set in Mainland China, so the downbeat ending has death by firing squad. I liked it. With Ho Ka-Kui as the lecherous father, and a fun-looking sex game involving peanuts.

DAUGHTER OF DARKNESS 2 (mit moon chaam ngon 2: che chung; mie men can an 2: jie zhong) (1994 HK) D/W: IVAN LAI GAI MING Another family is massacred. A different actor plays a cop who has a picture of Anthony Wong on the wall. He does some corpse breast fondling. A very goofy sequence has him orchestrating all the men of the town in jacking off in unison for sperm samples. A cute female cop enjoys a slice of mango after it falls in a beaker of their cum. Then it turns serious as the woman responsible for the killings relates a flashback of how her impotent ’nam vet husband (Ben Ng) requested that a friend impregnate her on his behalf. The expected emotional complications result, and a mean family led by Ho Ka Kui (from the original film) gets mixed into the story. There’s sex and nudity, of course, and a self-administered abortion with a coat-hanger. The goofy cop from the beginning interrupts with unfunny comedy now and again, and she walks off a cliff in the depressing ending. Same basic formula as the original, but substantially less entertaining.

DAUGHTER OF DRACULA (1936) See: DRACULA’S DAUGHTER

DAUGHTER OF DRACULA (1974) See: VAMPYRES

DAUGHTER OF FRANKENSTEIN See: LADY FRANKENSTEIN

DAUGHTER OF HORROR (dementia) (1953 US) D/W/P: “JOHN PARKER” Adrienne Barrett stars in this pretty fascinating noir mystery that nobody has ever officially taken credit for. Some, including uncredited cast member Jonathan Haze, claim that it was made by Bruno VeSota, a talented actor and director (FEMALE JUNGLE), who kinda looks like Orson Welles’ low-budget brother. Ed McMahon provides the opening narration (“this is my world”) as we enter Barrett’s dark and sleazy hotel room lit only by the flashing neon sign outside. The excellent, moody b/w photography is by William C. Thompson (who shot Ed Wood films among others) and could rival any classic film noir. Barrett awakens from a nightmare and goes outside where she buys a newspaper from dwarf Angelo Rossitto. “Mysterious stabbing” cries the headline, a stabbing which we learn during the 55 mins running time may have been committed by Barrett. I don’t want to give the whole story away, suffice to say that Barrett ends up with a rich fat guy (VeSota), is led through her past in a graveyard by a “demon” in a suit with a black head, plus there’s a scene in a beatnik jazz club. It was filmed with no sound, so there’s no spoken dialogue at all. Just McMahon’s narration (or you can get versions without that) and an interesting soundtrack (that copies the one from Hitchcock’s SPELLBOUND) by George Antheil that’s sung by Marnie Nixon (Natalie Wood’s singing voice in WEST SIDE STORY). DAUGHTER OF HORROR is no masterpiece, but it is a very well made, atmospheric experiment that deserves more recognition. Some scenes are brilliant. (In THE BLOB, teens at a theatre are watching the graveyard scene from this movie.)

DAUGHTERS OF LESBOS (1968 US) D: PETER WOODCOCK A member of a lesbian “organisation” narrates each woman’s backstory in this 62 mins b/w nudie. The final story is how Dominique was raped in her sleep by a man, so the surprise ending has him chained up and masked, awaiting castration! Uta Erickson is in it as Monika (she’s billed as “Carla Costa”). Maximum minimal enjoyment; on dvd with CHAINED GIRLS.

DAWN OF THE DEAD (zombie; zombies) (1978 US) D/W: GEORGE A. ROMERO P: DARIO ARGENTO/ RICHARD P. RUBINSTEIN Romero’s sequel to his 1968 classic NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD begins where the original left off. The living dead are now beginning to swamp the world (or at least America). Emergency network stations urge citizens to head towards major cities and martial law is declared. Four people (David Emge, Ken Foree, Scott H. Reiniger and Gaylen Ross) attempt to find a safe haven by escaping in a helicopter. They eventually hole up in a mall in Pittsburgh and we chart their progress as they avoid and kill zombies while scavenging from the department stores. DAWN is less serious than its predecessor, with colourful gore FX (courtesy of Tom Savini) and humour. Its attempts at satirising mall culture and modern American values are crude but mildly effective. The actors playing the zombies seem to be having a lot of fun stumbling around to muzak. There’s even an undead Hare Krishna! A biker gang (led by Savini) turn up near the end to ruin everything. As well as numerous cinema, video and tv edits, there are two official versions. Romero’s edit (which is longest at around 140 mins) and producer and script supervisor Argento’s, which is considerably shorter but features alternate, extra gore footage. It’s pretty good, but not quite the classic some will have you believe. The major problem (in any version) is overlength. The music is by Argento and Goblin. Romero can be spotted near the beginning at a tv station (and his wife Christine Forrest is in there as well). John Amplas (MARTIN) did the casting. I am of the (unpopular) opinion that the next entry, DAY OF THE DEAD is more interesting. Remade in 2004. Romero made the very different KNIGHTRIDERS (1981) next.

DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004 US) D: ZACK SNYDER W: JAMES GUNN P: MARC ABRAHAM/ERIC NEWMAN/ RICHARD P. RUBINSTEIN Surprisingly good, dynamic remake from a first-time feature director and the screenwriter of SCOOBY-DOO. A larger group of more diverse characters hole up in a mall this time after the plague of the living dead spreads. The major difference (which many purists did not care for) is that these zombies can run! This makes for a more immediate, fast-paced threat that keeps the adrenalin pumping throughout. Fans of the original missed Romero’s satirical elements, but for all-action thrills I have to admit this is more relevant to a modern audience. But let’s not quibble, both are great and a double bill would be a blast. With Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Mekhi Phifer, Jake Weber, Ty Burrell, Michael Kelly, Lindy Booth, Jayne Eastwood, Kevin Zegers, Boyd Banks, Matt Frewer, R.D. Reid, Kim Poirier, Justin Louis, Hannah Lochner, Kim Roberts, Tim Post, Dan Duran and cameos from original cast members Reiniger, Savini and Foree. It was filmed in Canada. Cut for theatres, this review refers to a mildly different director’s cut on dvd. Its success led to a (quite good) remake of DAY OF THE DEAD (2008).

DAWN OF THE MUMMY (1981 ITL) D/W/P: FRANK AGRAMA W: DARIA PRICE/RONALD DOBRIN Fashion models in Egypt are attacked by flesh-eating mummies, disturbed by tomb robbers. Very stupid gore movie from the director of QUEEN KONG is a guilty pleasure of mine. Utterly worthless (except maybe the scenes of mummies rising from the desert sands), but you might have some fun with the wedding reception massacre finale in the uncut version. Drugs and booze may help also.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW (2004 US) D/W/P: ROLAND EMMERICH W: JEFFREY NACHMANOFF P: MARK GORDON America refuses to sign the Kyoto agreement (as in real-life) regarding alternative energy resources, and a huge storm due to a rapid change in climate when the ice cap melts initiates a new Ice Age (apparently, but everyone seems ok at the end). Basically what this means is that we see Manhattan flood and then freeze as survivors hole-up in a library. Dennis Quaid tracks cross-country to rescue son Jake Gyllenhaal. Pretty moronic disaster movie begins dynamically enough (although even with this huge budget, they don’t improve on DELUGE) but soon slows down to boring, clichéd character drama. With neither brains nor balls, it’s a waste of time. With Emmy Rossum, Ian Holm, Jay O. Sanders, Dash Mihok, Sela Ward, Austin Nichols, Arjay Smith, Tamlyn Tomita, Kenneth Welsh, Robin Wilcock, Jason Blicker, Glenn Plummer, Nestor Serrano, Richard McMillan, Vlasta Vrana, Alan Fawcett, Frank Schorpion, Richard Zeman, Perry King, Mimi Kuzyk, Frank Fontaine, Russell Yuen, J.P. Manoux, Chuck Shamata, Phillip Jarrett, Tony Calbaretta, Sheila McCarthy, Karen Glave, Aaron Lustig, Joe Cobden, Gordon Masten and Matt Holland.

DAYBREAKERS (2009 US AUSL) D/W: THE SPIERIG BROTHERS P: BRYAN FURST/SEAN FURST/CHRIS BROWN In the (retro futurist look) future, a plague has turned most of the world’s population into vampires (Richard Matheson’s I Am Legend is not credited incidentally). Humans who refuse to go through the transformation are hunted, their blood a valuable, depleting resource. Hematologist Ethan Hawke is working on a blood substitute for corporate villain Sam Neill, but soon switches sides to help the human resistance (who have the advantage of being able to go out in the sunlight). He finds a way to turn vampires human again (a process I still don’t understand at all). This very stylish action-horror (from the makers of 2003’s UNDEAD) is quite silly at times, and in danger of taking itself too seriously. Willem Dafoe’s tongue-in-cheek character, Elvis, manages to balance it out, though, and there are some pretty cool, gory set pieces. Overall, fun enough. Shot in Australia in 2007, it’s obviously set in some North American city.

DAYDREAM (hakujitsumu) (1964 JPN) D/W: TETSUJI TAKECHI P: TOYOJIRO NAGASHIMA There had already been a few sexy movies labelled “pink” by the Japanese press prior to DAYDREAM (including the high profile GATE OF FLESH), but this is generally regarded as the first Japanese sex movie proper, the first classic of its kind, and Takechi the godfather of Japanese porn. A young man (Akira Ishikawa, who had been in the classic SEPPUKU) is smitten by a female lounge singer (Kanako Michi) he sees while waiting in a dentist’s waiting room. His erotic imagination goes into overdrive under the influence of an anesthetic, and soon he’s imagining that the predatory dentist (Chojuro Hanakawa) is a sexual sadist who ties up the girl, electrocutes, rapes and humiliates her. At one point she’s led on her hands and knees by a leash, and even a department store escalator is against her. Ishikawa sees himself as her saviour, but she’s always drawn back to her master, and his frustration eventually leads to murder. Beautifully shot in b/w by Masayoshi Kayanuma, this dreamlike (loose) adaptation of Junichiro Tanazaki’s short story is one of the finest and purest expressions of an SM love triangle ever filmed, and ends on a nicely ambiguous note. Shochiku released it to coincide with the Tokyo Olympics, and the government was not amused by the fact that the dark side of Japanese sexual fantasy was open to international scrutiny. Equally unamused was the Japanese Dental Association, and apparently Tanazaki himself, although the dvd I saw opened with a written endorsement from the author (who died in 1965). In 1966, Joseph Green (who made THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN’T DIE) released it in America with added nudie footage (the original version doesn’t have that much actual nudity, but does include a Japanese taboo-breaking flash of pubic hair — not to mention Michi’s hairy armpits). I watched a washed-out print (from Something Weird Video) of this version back to back with a nicely remastered Japanese dvd for comparison. Basically the American version has frequent bright (tinted) colour insert shots of nude actors and actresses in weird face masks (and wigs that approximate the original cast) mimicking the main action in surreal ways. To even out the running time, some brief scenes are missing or shortened. But occasionally some extended scenes appear in the American version, which also may explain why the SWV print appears to be in (very washed out) colour (I suspect it was processed in both b/w and colour for the US market, prior to Green’s meddling). Oddly enough, there is a (great, vampiric) colour scene in the original, and after this the SWV print seems to be in b/w!?! The Green version is surprisingly well done, though, and makes a very weird movie a little more traditionally sexy for the US market (and, perversely, even weirder in some ways). But for the full-on, focused, sustained hentai trip experience, I recommend the original cut, a real work of erotic art. I should also mention the extraordinary musical score throughout, supervised by one Sukahisa Shiba. With Yasuko Matsui, Tokuji Kobayashi and Takeshi Sakamoto. It was Takechi’s second feature (after the sexy mondo doc WOMEN… OH WOMEN! from 1963), and he continued with a string of controversial features (including hardcore remakes of DAYDREAM in 1981 and 1987). His next was DREAM OF THE RED CHAMBER (1964). DAYDREAM was also remade in Korea (as AN EMPTY DREAM) in 1965, and there was another (terrible) Japanese version in 2009.

DA YING WING See: THE EAGLE KING

DAYLIGHT (1996 US) D: ROB COHEN W: LESLIE BOHEM P: JOHN DAVIS/JOSEPH M. SINGER/DAVID I. FRIENDLY A truckload of toxic materials explodes in the Jersey Tunnel, blocking both exits, and the East River starts to flood in. Sylvester Stallone stars as a heroic ex-fireman cab driver who must get the survivors to safety in this decent disaster movie. With Amy Brennaman, Viggo Mortensen, Dan Hedaya, Jay O. Sanders, Barry Newman, Sage Stallone, Claire Bloom, Colin Fox, Mark Rolston and Madison Stone.

THE DAY MARS INVADED EARTH (1962 US) D/P: MAURY DEXTER W: HARRY SPALDING Kent Taylor stars in this vague and really slow-moving low-budget sci-fi as a Cape Canaveral scientist responsible for landing a communications device on Mars. Back at home (a Beverly Hills mansion) for New Year, he and his family (including wife Marie Windsor) slowly begin to realise that something (an alien force?) is duplicating them and causing confusion. It is my hypothesis that late-night tv viewers fell asleep watching this, awoke just in time to see the memorable and eerie final image of human-shaped ashes in a swimming pool being swept away and believed they just slept through a cult classic. It’s not, but does leave an aftertaste. Dexter and Spalding made HOUSE OF THE DAMNED next.

DAY OF ANGER See: DAY OF WRATH (1967)

DAY OF RESURRECTION See: VIRUS (1980)

DAY OF THE ANIMALS (something is out there) (1977 US) D: WILLIAM GIRDLER W: WILLIAM NORTON/ ELEANOR E. NORTON P: EDWARD L. MONTORO Moaning tourists on a survival trek in the High Sierras get attacked by various wild animals, the result of (very rapid) ozone depletion scrambling their brains. Mediocre nature attacks movie might be worth it to see Leslie Nielsen as a bigoted arsehole ad executive who takes off his top, commits murder, attempts rape and dies wrestling a bear! (Nielsen was also the star of Girdler’s PROJECT: KILL.) With Christopher George and Richard Jaeckel (both from Girdler’s better GRIZZLY), Lynda Day George, Ruth Roman, Michael Ansara, Jon Cedar, Paul Mantee and Andrew Stevens. Girdler’s final film was THE MANITOU.

DAY OF THE DEAD (1985 US) D/W: GEORGE A. ROMERO P: RICHARD P. RUBINSTEIN I know I’m in the minority here, but I much prefer Romero’s third claustrophobic DEAD film to the previous DAWN OF THE DEAD. But this is kind of irrelevant as you should make the whole series a must-see anyhow. Zombies have pretty much taken over the world, and characters in an underground missile silo keep some of them like cattle to try to study their habits. There’s more talk than the first two entries, but it still delivers with the shocks and gore. With John Amplas (MARTIN) and Donald Farmer. You can spot Romero as a zombie with a scarf. It was years before LAND OF THE DEAD. This was also remade (in 2008, and it was fun) after the success of the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake. DAY OF THE DEAD 2: CONTAGIUM is an unrelated direct-to-tv bore from 2005.

DAY OF THE DOLPHIN (1973 US) D: MIKE NICHOLS W: BUCK HENRY P: ROBERT E. RELYEA George C. Scott teaches a couple of dolphins to speak English (Henry provides the voices) at a remote island facility. The news is leaked and an organisation steals the dolphins to use in a conspiracy to kill the President! It’s not as fun as it sounds!?! With Paul Sorvino, Trish Van Devere, Edward Hermann, Severn Darden, Phyllis Davis, Fritz Weaver and John Dehner. Scott’s character was based on the real-life Dr. John Lilly (ALTERED STATES [1980] was also based on him). A novel by Robert Merle was the source material. Roman Polanski was to have made this, but then the Manson gang murdered his wife Sharon Tate during preproduction.

DAY OF THE MANIAC See: ALL THE COLORS OF DARKNESS

DAY OF THE OUTLAW (1959 US) D: ANDRÉ DE TOTH W/P: PHILIP YORDAN (uncredited) P: SIDNEY HARMON There’s a fine offbeat (b/w) western hiding behind that generic title. In a small snowed-in outpost town, a land dispute between self-appointed lawmaker Robert Ryan and other residents is interrupted by the arrival of runaway cavalry soldiers and gold thieves (led by Burt Ives, who’s very good, as is the whole cast). It’s more psychological than action-packed, and never quite plays out the way you’d expect. Based on a novel by Lee Wells. With Tina Louise, Venetia Stevenson, Nehemiah Persoff, Elisha Cook Jr. (barely in it as a barber), Jack Lambert, Lance Fuller, Frank De Kova, Dabbs Greer, William Schallert, Betsy Jones-Moreland (LAST WOMAN ON EARTH), Arthur Space and Robert Cornthwaite. It would make a good bleak winter western double bill with THE GREAT SILENCE. Yordan wrote that other notably weird western JOHNNY GUITAR, among others.

DAY OF THE PANTHER (1987 AUSL) D: BRIAN TRENCHARD-SMITH W: PETER WEST/DAVID GROOM P: DAMIEN PARER Edward John Stazak is a martial arts expert called Jason Blade raised by a Chinese cult. He fights drug-dealers in this dull action movie that sent me to sleep before the end. The director and star also teamed up for FISTS OF BLOOD (1989).

DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS (1963 UK) D: STEVE SEKELY/ FREDDIE FRANCIS (uncredited) W: PHILIP YORDAN P: GEORGE PITCHER Howard Keel is one of the few people not blinded by a meteor shower that brings plant spores to Earth that grow into carnivorous plants that sting and eat people! Fans of John Wyndhams’s novel weren’t kind to this admittedly tedious and sometimes silly adaptation, but it’s not completely without merit (the garish colour helps the atmosphere). With Janette Scott, Nicole Maurey, Mervyn Johns and Ian Wilson. There was a DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS miniseries in 1981, and another in 2009.

DAY OF THE WOMAN See: I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE

DAY OF WRATH (days of wrath; day of anger; gunlaw; I gorni dell’ira; der tod ritt dienstags) (1967 ITL W.GER) D/W TONINO VALERII W: ERNESTO GASTALDI/ RENZO GENTA P: ENRICO CHROSCIKY/ALFONSO SANSONE Giuliano Gemma is the abused toilet cleaner and garbage collector in the peaceful town of Conflict. When Lee Van Cleef comes to town to collect an old debt, he takes Gemma under his wing, and years of repressed anger surfaces to help Cleef cause trouble. Of course, the day finally arrives when Gemma and Cleef must face each other. Passable western is based on Ron Barker’s novel Der Tod Ritt Dienstags, and has a score from Riz Ortolani. With Walter Rilla, Piero Lulli, Christa Linder, Yvonne Sanson, Andrea Bosic, Ennio Balbo, José Calvo, Franco Balducci, Paolo Magalotti and Romano Puppo.

THE DAYS OF ECLIPSE (dni zatmeniya) (1988 SVU) D: ALEKSANDR SOKUROV W: YURI ARABOV/PYOTR KADOCHNIKOV/ARKADI & BORIS STRUGATSKY Bizarre, slow-moving and beautifully photographed (sometimes in sepia, by Sergei Yurizditsky) semi sci-fi about a travelling medical student trying to get some research done in an unidentified country where constant daylight seems to have driven folks crazy. At least, that’s what I think is going on. Fragmented ambiance stands in for an actual story, but I found it to be hypnotic, evocative and rewarding. Others may be less impressed. With Vladimir Zamansky. It’s in two 66 mins parts and is based on one of the Strugatsky brothers’ highly regarded novels, as were HUKKUND ALPINISTI HOTELL, STALKER (both 1979) and HARD TO BE GOD (1989) (among others). A must for connoisseurs of arty Soviet sci-fi landmarks.

DAYS OF VENGEANCE (long days of vengeance; faccia d’angelo; los largos de la venganza; I lunghi giorni del vendetta) (1966 ITL SPN) D: “STAN VANCE” (FLORESTANO VANCINI) W: AUGUSTO CAMINITO/FERNANDO DI LEO/MAHNAHEN VELASLO P: LUCIANO EROCI/ALBERTO PUGLIESE Giuliano Gemma escapes from a chain gang to find out who set him up and killed his father in this lame western. With Francisco Rabal, Nieves Navarro, Gabriella Giorgelli, Conrado Sanmartin, Giovanni Ivan Scrutaglia, Carlos Otero, an arm wrestle over daggers and a sheriff’s badge used as a throwing star.

DAYS OF WRATH (1967) See: DAY OF WRATH (1967)

THE DAY THE EARTH FROZE (sampo) (1959 FIN SVU) D: “GREGG SEBELIOUS” (ALEKSANDR PTUSHKO) D/P: “JULIUS SRANDBERG” (RISTO ORKO) W: VIKTOR VIKTOVICH/GRIGORY YADGFELD A wicked witch kidnaps a young woman (Eve Kivi) and takes her to a remote island, where she blackmails her brother to make her a “sampo”, some unexplained, sparkly organic generator that makes salt and gold. Many locals also become her prisoner, forced to work the sampo with no reward. It’s a little confusing (some knowledge of Soviet folklore is probably helpful) but basically she manages to stop the sun from working, resulting in a bleak frozen world for all. Andris Oshin is Kivi’s woodsman lover hero, who rides logs down the river. Offbeat little touches like this and some epic, visually impressive fantasy FX moments make this one to look for. With Georgi Millyar and Viktor Vralsky. This review refers to a 67 mins US dub released by AIP, missing at least 20 mins of footage and with added Marvin Miller narration. It would be nice to see a restored version. Ptushko also made THE SWORD AND THE DRAGON.

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951 US) D: ROBERT WISE W: EDMUND H. NORTH P: JULIAN BLAUSTEIN This all-time sci-fi classic has alien Michael Rennie arriving on Earth (with his cool robot bodyguard) as an ambassador for a far away race. Unless the fighting and warmongering stops, he threatens to drain the planet’s electrical power sources. Despite having not that much action, it’s an engrossing tale which has delighted fans for over half a century. Based on North’s story Farewell To The Master. With Patricia Neal, Billy Gray, Wheaton Chambers, Frank Conroy, James Craven, Laurence Dobkin, Charles Evans, Edith Evanson, Harry Harvey, Harry Lauter, George Lynn, David McMahon, House Peters Jr., James Seay, Olan Soule, Harlan Wade, Stuart Whitman and Carleton Young. A ho-hum 2008 remake starred Keanu Reeves imitating Mr. Spock.

THE DAY THE WORLD ENDED (1956 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: LOU RUSOFF This awful Corman quickie has a bunch of survivors from an atomic blast holing up in a small house and getting on each others’ nerves. There’s also a psychic monster (designed by Paul Blaisdell), but it’s not used very well. With Richard Denning, Lori Nelson, Mike Connors, Paul Birch, Jonathan Haze, Raymond Hatton, Paul Dubov, Corman and Chet Huntley narration. Larry Buchanan remade it as IN THE YEAR 2889. It was no better. A later Creature Feature (one of a series in 2001) used the same title, but not the story.

THE DAY THE WORLD ENDED (2001 US) D: TERENCE GROSS W: MAX ENSCOE/ANNIE DeYOUNG/ BRIAN KING P: LOU ARKOFF/STAN WINSTON/COL LEEN CAMP Nastassja Kinski is the new elementary school therapist in a small town who tries to help Randy Quaid’s adopted sci-fi addict son who keeps getting picked on in school. We learn through flashbacks that the boy’s mother was killed by the scared, stranger-hating locals and that his dad is an alien mutant who slaughters townsfolk while searching for his son. The best digital gore scene has a face being ripped off. There’s a twist ending, but it’s not worth waiting for. I suppose the best thing you could say about it is that it’s at least better than the completely unrelated original Roger Corman movie of the same name. With Stephen Tobolowsky as the school principal. Enscoe and Young also wrote EARTH VS. THE SPIDER, another one of the five Creature Features produced for HBO the same year that borrowed titles from 50s AIP flicks. Sam Arkoff was executive producer for all of them.

THE DAY THEY ROBBED THE BANK OF ENGLAND (1960 UK) D: JOHN GUILLERMIN W: HOWARD CLEWES/RICHARD MAIBAUM P: JULES BUCK Turn of the century Irish nationalists led by Irish-American mining engineer Aldo Ray plot to steal gold bullion from the Bank of England vaults. Fine b/w caper movie meticulously shows how the gang first get the layout blueprints, and later make use of the underground rivers of old London. Peter O’Toole is particularly good as the bored playboy head of the Royal Guards that patrols the bank and its labyrinthine lower levels. With Kieron Moore, Elizabeth Sellars in a forgettable romantic-interest subplot, Albert Sharpe (DARBY O’GILL AND THE LITTLE PEOPLE) as a “tosher”, John Le Mesurier, Hugh Griffith, Miles Malleson, Andrew Keir, Geoffrey Bayldon, Colin Gordon, Charles Lloyd-Pack, Michael Brennan, Arthur Lowe, Erik Chitty, Arthur Mullard, Frederick Piper, Anita Sharp-Bolster and Russell Waters. Based on a novel by John Brophy (as was Samuel Fuller’s FIXED BAYONETS). Guillermin had just directed TARZAN’S GREATEST ADVENTURE. Maibaum became known for adapting DR. NO and other Bond adventures for the big-screen. I wonder if the real-life gang that THE SEWERS OF PARADISE was based on saw this?

THE DAY TIME ENDED (earth’s final fury) (1978 SPN) D: JOHN “BUD” CARDOS W: J. LARRY CARROLL/DAVID SCHMOELLER W/P: WAYNE SCHMIDT/STEVE NEILL A family living in the desert experience strange events and see UFOs fly above them. Some big stop-motion monsters appear to have a fight on their ranch. There’s also a weird, glowing green pyramid and a minispaceship that comes in the house. But it’s ok because the aliens are nice and everyone ends up happy and unharmed on a distant planet. Nothing is explained in this odd, unsatisfying sci-fi oddity from the director of KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS. With Chris Mitchum, Jim Davis and Dorothy Malone. David Allen had something to do with the (very good) FX and Jim Danforth provides matte paintings and designs. Ted Nicolau shot it, and Charles Band was the executive producer (brother Richard provides music).

DEAD AGAIN (1991 US) D: KENNETH BRANAGH W: SCOTT FRANK P: LINDSAY DORAN/CHARLES H. MAGUIRE LA Private detective Kenneth Branagh becomes infatuated with amnesiac Emma Thompson while protecting her from lying locals who claim to be her family and trying to discover who she really is. Hypnotist and antique fanatic Derek Jacobi regresses her to the 1940s where lengthy b/w flashbacks reveal who killed her in a past life, and may be destined to do so again. Branagh and Thompson’s very theatrical outlook could (and does) often irritate me, but it kind of suits this enjoyably overwrought Hitchcock via Argento homage. It’s not boring. With Andy Garcia, Robin Williams, Hanna Schygulla, Steven Culp, Miriam Margoyles, Campbell Scott, Raymond Cruz, Wayne Knight and Obba Babatunde.

DEAD AIR (1994 US) D: FRED WALTON W: DAVID AMMAN P: OSCAR L. COSTA Gregory Hines is a small-town graveyard shift radio DJ who may have killed his old girlfriend back in LA. He becomes a prime suspect when more bodies turn up, so puts himself under investigation. Slick, watchable but ultimately uninspired and forgettable thriller. The photography is by Buzz Fetishans III. With Debrah Farentino, Beau Starr, Gloria Reuben, Michael Harris, Veronica Cartwright, W. Earl Brown and John Hawkes.

DEAD ALIVE See: BRAIN DEAD (1992)

DEAD AND BURIED (1981 US) D: GARY SHERMAN W: DAN O’BANNON/JEFF MILLAR/ALEX STERN W/P: RONALD SHUSETT P: ROBERT FENTRESS Travellers passing through the small New England fishing town of Potter’s Bluff end up dead at the hands of secretive locals (but not before their photos are taken). James Farentino is the sheriff who can’t figure out why coroner Jack Albertson is so unhelpful, why his schoolteacher wife teaches kids about voodoo, or why the dead victims seem to reappear as new locals. The surprise ending is pretty stupid and nonsensical, but this is a fairly engaging slice of hoodoo that might have worked better as a Twilight Zone episode. It has developed quite a cult following over the years (and was a British “video nasty”). With Barry Corbin, Michael Pataki, Robert Englund and Glenn Morshower. Stan Winston provides minimal gore FX.

THE DEAD ARE ALIVE (the etruscan kills again; overtime; l’etrusco uccide ancorn; das geheimnis der gelben grabes) (1972 ITL GER YUG) D/W: ARMANDO CRISPINO W: LUCIO BATTISTRADA P: MONDIAL TEFI Alex Cord is an alcoholic archaeologist digging up Etruscan tombs. Samantha Eggar is his still smitten ex, John Marley her arsehole “maestro” music conductor. Gory murders occur at the digging site. Could an ancient Etruscan demon be the killer? This adaptation of a Bryan Edgar Wallace story (Edgar Wallace’s son) is not bad, aided by a score from Riz Ortolani and offbeat touches. With Horst Frank, Nadja Tiller, Carla Mancini and a a car chase. Apparently the different Italian and German-language versions were filmed with slightly different crews. I have no idea if there are any differences, nor which version is the one you’re most likely to see now. Crispino made AUTOPSY next.

DEADBEAT AT DAWN (1987 US) D/W: JIM VAN BEBBER P: MIKE KING Bebber (who also did the editing) is Goose, a gang leader in Dayton, Ohio who leaves his gang to make his girlfriend happy. But without the support of his gang, rivals break into his apartment and beat her to death. He tries going to his delusional junky dad who lives in a shithole building, but the paranoid freak is no use. He reluctantly rejoins his old gang, now in cahoots with their former enemies. Things culminate in an attempt at an armoured car heist and violent street battles. This extremely impressive, ultra low-budget true indie flick is loaded with very professional-looking fight choreography, explosions and gore FX. The acting may be a bit off, but the characters are pretty authentic. Even if you don’t care much for this kind of story, you gotta give the filmmakers credit. Bebber also made a number of shorts and followed with his even better CHARLIE’S FAMILY.

DEAD BOYZ CAN’T FLY (1992 US) D/P: “HOWARD WINTERS” (CECIL HOWARD) W: ANNE WOLFE/BERT GOODMAN/STRAW WEISMAN Three street punks hold some people hostage in an NYC office building while looking for drugs (in a dentist’s office). A ’nam vet (who’s too young) does a DIE HARD, but everyone dies anyway. I think it’s supposed to be a message movie about violence in America, but it’s fucking terrible. At least the wife and I had a good laugh watching it. With Delia Sheppard, Marc Macaulay, “Howard Winters” (who usually made porno) and Gino Colbert (also an XXX veteran).

DEAD CALM (1989 AUSL US) D: PHILIP NOYCE W/P: TERRY HAYES P: GEORGE MILLER Nicole Kidman and Sam Neill are taking a yachting vacation in the middle of the Pacific to help them get over a terrible trauma, when they encounter stranded Billy Zane, who turns out to be a less than welcome (read: psycho) guest. It’s a stripped-down and pretty good adaptation of a novel by Charles Williams (which was also adapted for the unfinished THE DEEP by Orson Welles in 1970, and must have been the uncredited inspiration for, or inspired by, KNIFE IN THE WATER [1962], I think). Miller was also the second unit director. Hayes went on to write FROM HELL and VERTICAL LIMIT. Noyce made BLIND FURY the same year. Williams was adapted again the following year for THE HOT SPOT.

DEAD CENTER See: CRAZY JOE

DEAD CITY See: LEGION OF THE NIGHT

DEAD COASTER See: FINAL DESTINATION 2

DEAD CONNECTION (final combination) (1993 US) D: NIGEL DICK W: LARRY GOLIN/JONATHAN TYDOR P: GREGG FIENBERG/STEVE GOLIN Michael Madsen is a blond, womanising, asthmatic cop hunting a serial killer who beats women to death while listening to phone sex and then rapes their bodies. Dumb, boring thriller has something to do with old boxers’ aliases. With Lisa Bonet, Juilo Oscar Mechoso, Carmen Argenziano and Parker Posey.

DEAD DOLL (2004 US) D/W: ADAM SHERMAN W: AZAZEL JACOBS P: JAMES HANCOCK/MIKAL PORTNOI LAZAREV A maker of sex dolls strangles his sexy, slutty girlfriend (Romi Koch)to death during one of their endless, stupid, abusive arguments in his loft studio apartment. He turns her into one of his mannequins (I think; everything is flashbacks and flash-forwards in this thing), and it seems to make him hallucinate and obsess about it/her. Through a series of contrivances, different men (and women) fall in love/ hate with the doll (which is sometimes a doll, sometimes Koch acting like a doll) and even kill for it/her. Weird and twisted low-budget oddity is undeniably well made (for the most part), and I gave it a chance to deliver on that promise, but it soon becomes clear that it will just continue in an endless cycle until it ends. It seems longer than 78 mins. Koch (who died in 2005) is naked a lot, and seems to have an Eastern European accent (as do some of the other actors).

DEAD END (1986) See: DEAD-END DRIVE-IN

DEAD END (-less) (2002 FRA US) D/W: JEAN-BAPTISTE ANDREA/FABRICE CANEPA P: JAMES HUTH/ SONJA SCHILLITO/GABRIELLA STOLLENWERCK/ CECILE TELERMAN Ray Wise is driving his bickering family cross-country on a deserted off-the-interstate road to his in-laws’ house on Christmas Eve. A mysterious lady in white (Amber Smith) clutching a baby appears on the road, and one by one the family members seem to be taken away in a black car with an unseen driver, only to be found mutilated soon after. This nightmarish black comedy/horror hybrid can be very funny (Wise and Lin Shaye as his wife are both very good) and is initially intriguing, but seems obvious early on that it’ll paint itself into a corner (not very well rescued by the unconvincing sub-CARNIVAL OF SOULS surprise ending). That said, it is so entertaining for the most part that you won’t feel cheated, or that you’ve just wasted 90 mins. Alexandra Holden stars as the student psychiatrist daughter.

DEAD-END DRIVE-IN (dead end) (1986 AUSL) D: BRIAN TRENCHARD-SMITH W: PETER SMALLEY/PETER CAREY P: ANDREW WILLIAMS In the near future, truancy, crime and unemployment are high after the second big stockmarket crash. Teens with no prospects question nothing and refuse to leave when they’re barricaded inside a drivein cinema. The films keep on rolling and they’re given free food (and drugs), so no one cares when heavily armed cops and an electrified fence surround the place. The hero is a young man who can’t understand his peers’ apathy as he tries to escape and rescue his brainwashed girlfriend. It may lay on the socio-political satire a bit thick at times, but this is a good sci-fi thriller with plenty of action. From the director of TURKEY SHOOT (1982) and THE MAN FROM HONG KONG.

DEAD END RUN (2003 JPN) D/W: SOGO ISHII Three thematically linked stories manage to bore the socks off you in less than an hour. Yusuke Iseya is on the run and accidentally kills a woman who returns to life to sing and dance about love. Masatoshi Nagase is on the run from an assassin and ends up confronting his clone. Tadanobu Asano runs from the police and finds himself cornered on a rooftop with a suicidal young woman. Asano and Nagase also starred in Ishii’s infinitely more enjoyable short ELECTRIC DRAGON 80,000 V.

DEAD EYES OF LONDON (die toten augen von london) (1961 W.GER) D: ALFRED VOHRER W: “EGON EIS” (TRYGUE LAURSEN) P: HORST WENDLANDT Scotland Yard Inspector Joachim Fuchsberger (and camp, knitting comic relief annoyance sidekick Eddie Albert) investigate the deaths of the heavily insured, seemingly at the hands of a gang of blind killers (including great Tor-look former pro wrestler Ady Berber). Considered one of the finest of the Hamburg-lensed Edgar Wallace krimis of the era (and the first helmed by busy Vohrer), it is an enjoyable, atmospheric b/w mystery, but pales in comparison with the cracking classic 1939 version with Bela Lugosi, THE DARK EYES OF LONDON. I liked the human skull-shaped cigarette holder, the cat with light-up eyes warning bell thing, and a shot from inside someone’s mouth as they spray mouthwash! With Karin Baal, Klaus Kinski, Dieter Borsche, Wolfgang Lukschy, Franz Schahfeitlin, Hans Paetsch, Walter Ladengast, Gunther Jerschke, Joseph Offenbach and music by Heinz Funk.

DEADFALL (1993 US) D/W: CHRISTOPHER COPPOLA W: NICK VALLELONGA P: TED FOX Con artist Michael Biehn (who narrates) botches a scam that gets his father (James Coburn) shot dead. He leaves town and hooks up with his uncle (Coburn again) and henchman Nicolas Cage. This pathetic GRIFTERS-inspired neo-noir is stupid and utterly predictable, with a fine cast wasted on laughable dialogue, delivered with a clunk. Everything about it is wrong. Coppola (Cage’s brother and co-producer, who had previously directed DRACULA’S WIDOW in 1988) must have the anti-Midas touch. However, if you’re a Nicolas Cage fan (I am), it’s a must-see. If you thought VAMPIRE’S KISS was as far out as it got, check out his Timothy Carey-channeling performance here. Complete with a hilarious wig, he delivers incomprehensible ad-libbed dialogue through clenched teeth, is very animated and portrays a drug addict in such a way that REEFER MADNESS seems positively subdued in comparison! Unfortunately he dies halfway through (nice death scene, face boiled in grease). With Peter Fonda, Charlie Sheen, Talia Shire, Angus Scrimm (with a metal claw-arm), Mickey Dolenz (!), Michael Constantine, Clarnece Williams III, Renée Estevez and nonsensical Sam Peckinpah references.

DEAD FUNNY See: PENN AND TELLER GET KILLED

THE DEAD HATE THE LIVING! (zombie: the return) (1999 US) D/W: DAVE PARKER P: KIRK EDWARD HANSEN A group of first-time low-budget filmmakers (who are heavily influenced by Lucio Fulci) are filming a zombie flick in an old abandoned hospital. They accidentally resurrect zombies and their movie becomes reality in this ok comedy-horror that’s too referential to be a solid terror tape. Charles Band was executive producer.

DEAD HEAT (zombie cop) (1988 US) D: MARK GOLDBLATT W: TERRY BLACK P: MICHAEL MELTZER/ DAVID HELPEN LA cops Treat Williams and Joe Piscopo investigate a series of robberies committed by seemingly invincible criminals who are supposed to be dead. This leads them to Darren McGavin’s pharmaceutical company where they find mutant zombies (the FX are by Steve Johnson) and Williams dies in a decompression chamber. A machine brings him back to semi-life. He has 12 hours to solve the mystery before his decomposing body completely melts. In the scene people remember, various types of reanimated meat (including a big boar carcass and headless chickens) attack. But the rest of this ill advised action-comedy horror is insufferable (Piscopo’s wisecracks are particularly annoying). It’s also sad to see Vincent Price in a late career low. With Prof Toru Tanaka, Robert Picardo, Martha Quinn and Keye Luke! Look out for Dick Miller and Linnea Quigley (I missed them, but apparently they are in here). Amazingly, this actually inspired a knock-off in Hong Kong, the more enjoyable BLUE JEAN MONSTER (1991). Goldblatt also made THE PUNISHER.

DEAD HEAT (1995) See: THUNDERBOLT

DEAD HEAT ON A MERRY-GO-ROUND (1966 US) D/W: BERNARD GIRARD P: CARTER DeHAVEN JR. James Coburn stars as a scheming ex-con who violates his parole and becomes a confidence trickster, scheming money from several women. He uses his bounty to organise a complicated bank robbery in this pretty entertaining comedy thriller with an ironic ending. With Aldo Ray, Camilla Sparv, Robert Webber, Severn Darden, James Westerfield, Vic Tayback, Larry D. Mann, Rose Marie, Joey Faye, George Wallace and a young Harrison Ford in his debut. Girard also made THE MIND SNATCHERS.

DEAD INN (another evil dead 2) (2000 US) D: JIM GOODMAN W: HENRY LINDLEY W/P: DEAN C. JONES Escaped cons end up at a mortuary/hotel in the middle of nowhere. Edgar Allan Poe IV is the cheerful, pasty-faced, white-haired owner whose daughter resurrects the dead and a skeletal monster that attacks. Mark Jeffrey Miler is a lonely, nerdy mortuary supplies salesman at the inn who narrates. This very cheap horor comedy (with some gore) begins like it may have a certain dumb hillbilly charm, but gets progressively more and more irritating.

DEAD INNOCENT (eye) (1996 CAN) D: SARAH BOTSFORD W: DOLORES PAYNE/MORT PATTIGO P: MICHAEL DOHERTY/WILLIAM R. MARIANI Genevieve Bujold is a lawyer terrorised in her apartment via video cameras and microphones by a disgruntled old client who’s kidnapped her daughter. Graham Greene is a cop. Routine stuff. With Benz Antoine.

DEAD KIDS (strange behaviour; human experiments; small town massacre) (1981 NZ AUSL US) D/W: MICHAEL LAUGHLIN W: BILL CONDON P: JOHN BARRETT/ANTHONY I. GINNANE Laughlin’s directorial debut (he’d earlier produced films, including TWO LANE BLACKTOP) is an underrated horror gem. American small-town teens mysteriously turn into killers, the effect of a scientific institute’s experiments. It was shot in New Zealand, which helps add to its dreamy, otherworldly atmosphere. With Louise Fletcher, Dey Young, Scott Brady, Charles Lane, Condon (also the associate producer, and director of GODS AND MONSTERS) and Robert Houston (THE HILLS HAVE EYES). Highly recommended. Based on Robert Hughes’ book School Days. Laughlin went on to STRANGE INVADERS (1983), and there was a DEAD KIDS 2 years later.

DEAD LIMIT See: ENEMY OF MY ENEMY

DEADLINE (1980 CAN) D/W: MARIO AZZOPARDI W: RICHARD OLEKSLAK P: HENRY LESS This ridiculous film is about a horror novelist and scriptwriter whose life is collapsing around him. His family is dysfunctional, and his young son hanged his little girl after play-acting a scene from one of his movies. He also has extreme writer’s block and can’t get his new book finished. There’s some gore. Pretty boring and filled with annoying characters, and — I just can’t see the point. Maybe you will, but I don’t recommend trying to find it. With Ken Camroux, Philip Akin, James Kidnie, Michael Copeman and Carol Pope and her punk band Rough Trade.

DEADLINE (1987) See: BELLMAN AND TRUE

DEADLINE AT DAWN (1946 US) D: HAROLD CLURMAN W: CLIFFORD ODETS P: ADRIAN SCOTT A naïve sailor from Poughkeepsie (Bill Williams) on leave in New York City meets dance hall girl Susan Hayward and convinces her to help him in returning money he thinks he may have stolen from Lola Lane. But they find the woman dead, and a whole can of worms opens up as various shady characters reluctantly help their investigation during a long b/w night filled with sardonic Odets dialogue. Based on a story by “William Irish” (that’s Cornell Woolrich), it was the sole feature directorial credit for famed stage director Clurman. His work is fine, but uninspired. It’s the aforementioned Odets touch that may keep you watching this enjoyable enough time-filler. With Paul Lukas, Marvin Miller, Joseph Calleia, Osa Massen, Steven Geray in an amusing turn, Jerome Cowan, Joe Sawyer, Constance Worth, Joseph Crehan, Ernie Adams, Fred Alrich, Billy Bletcher, Al Bridge, William Challee, Eddy Chandler, Jack Chetham, Jack Daley, Myrna Dell, Ralph Dunn, Dick Elliott, John Elliott, Byron Foulger, Edward Gargen, Dorothy Granger, Eddie Hart, John Ince, Earle Hodgins, Colin Kenny, Jack Kenny, Larry McGrath, Philip Morris, William J. O’Brien, Emory Parnell, Lee Phelps, Tom Quinn, Jason Robards Sr., Dick Rush, Walter Soderling, George Tyne, Phil Warren, Billy Wayne, Larry Wheat and Isabel Withers.

DEADLOCK (1970 W.GER) D/W/P: ROLAND KLICK A young man stumbles injured through a desert wasteland (in Israel) with a gun and a case full of money. After he blacks out, passing Mario Adorf takes him to an abandoned work site, but hides the money for himself. The young man’s former partner (Anthony Dawson) turns up wanting the cash. A horny, wandering young woman confuses matters further. I really wanted to like this attempt at a hypnotic GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY rewrite (complete with Can soundtrack), but it failed to gel for me. Not a bad try though. Klick later made WHITE STAR/ LET IT ROCK (1982), with a crazed Dennis Hopper.

DEADLOCK (1991) See: WEDLOCK

DEADLOCK (2000) See: RACE AGAINST TIME

THE DEADLY AND THE BEAUTIFUL (wonder women) (1973 PHIL US) D/W: ROBERT O’NEIL W: LOU WHITEHILL P: ROSS HAGEN Dr Tsu (Nancy Kwan) is a brilliant maverick surgeon villain with her headquarters on a remote, guarded island in the Philippines. She has a squad of international beauties in minidresses (including Maria De Aragon from THE CREMATORS and O’Neil’s BLOOD MANIA, who gets the most screen time; Roberta Collins and fu-fighting Shirley Washington with her amazing Afro), who kidnap athletes from around the world so she can transplant bits and pieces to ailing wealthy clients (including a germophobe hermit cripple). An ex-CIA, ex-LAPD investigator (rugged star Hagen, wearing a leisure suit and whose chat-up line is “you got great legs, baby!”) goes to Manila to investigate the disappearances. Most American co-productions of the time just used the rural jungle backdrops, but this enjoyable romp makes good use of urban locations for fun chase and action scenes with a local flavour (including a cockfight arena). There’s also a nice line in tongue-in-cheek humour that stays just the right side of self-parody (including a scene with a “brainsex” machine). For a bonus, a bunch of “mutant” failures (including a tall muscular black dude with a plastic dome atop his head!) escape their cages in the climax, Tsu disappears Fu Manchu-like in a puff of smoke and Hagen plays a phallic game of chess with a platinum blonde in a set up for a sequel that was never made. With Sid Haig as Kwan’s lawyer and sidekick and Vic Diaz as a cheerful Jeepney taxi driver. Arthur Marks was the executive in charge of production. O’Neil hit big with ANGEL. Hagen died in May of 2011.

DEADLY ANGELS (bod squad; rambo police women; chiu taam lui wa; qiao tan nu jiao wa) (1977 HK) D: PAO HSIEH LI W: I. KUANG/CHIN SHU-MEI P: RUNME SHAW The HK police call in a Scotland Yard officer (Evelyn Kraft from GOLIATHON) who assembles a trio of ass-kicking women (with special weapons like an earring explosives catapult) to go undercover as showgirls and infiltrate a gang of kidnapping, murdering jewel smugglers. Nothing special, but a lot more fun than an episode of CHARLIE’S ANGELS (or the recent movies). With Lau Wing, Dana, Shut Chung Tin, Lee Hoi Sang, Cheng Miu, Yuen Cheung Yan, Tino Wong, Fung Hak On, Tsang Choh Lam, San Kuai and look for Yuen Biao, Hsu Hsia and Corey Yuen Kwai as extras. The director made BATTLE WIZARD the same year.

THE DEADLY AVENGER See: THE DIVINE ENFORCER

THE DEADLY BEES (1967 UK) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W: ROBERT BLOCH/ANTHONY MARRIOTT P: MAX J. ROSENBERG/MILTON SUBOTSKY It’s the original killer bee movie (predating THE SAVAGE BEES, THE SWARM etc), and it sucks! A female pop singer takes a holiday at a B’n’B on a small island and gets involved with rival amateur beekeepers. One of them is training them to kill. Loosely based on H.F. Heard’s fine 1941 Sherlockian novel A Taste For Honey, it’s a none too thrilling Amicus production. Michael Ripper runs the local pub! The Birds (with Ron Wood) perform! With Frank Finlay, John Harvey and James Cossins. The source novel had previously been adapted (rather well apparently) as Sting Of Death, a 1955 episode (with Boris Karloff) of the American live television drama strand The Elgin Hour.

DEADLY CHINA DOLLS (lethal panther; geng tin lung foo paau; jing tian long hu bao) (1990 HK) D/P: GODFREY HO W: FONG SAI YIN/NG CHI P: BENNY CHAN Kung fu fans the world over know that, bar a few exceptions, the films of Godfrey Ho should be given a wide berth. Well you’ll be displeased to hear that he’s turned his anti-Midas touch to other genres also. This is his “battling babes” movie starring Sibelle Hu and some other women shooting up bad guys. There’s plenty of action and some nudity (including naked disco dancing) but Ho has turned it all into mind-numbing, sleep-inducing drivel, as always. With Lawrence Ng, Alex Fong, Ken Lo and William Ho Ka Kui. The sequel LETHAL PANTHER 2 (1993) was confusingly retitled LETHAL PANTHER in the UK.

DEADLY CHINA HERO See: LAST HERO IN CHINA

THE DEADLY COMPANIONS (1961 US) D: SAM PECKINPAH W: ALBERT SIDNEY FLEISCHMAN P: CHARLES B. FITZSIMONS This western was Peckinpah’s feature debut after directing tv episodes of stuff like Gunsmoke and The Rifleman. Brian Keith is a scarred ex-Confederate soldier who volunteers to escort Maureen O’Hara’s dead child to his resting place after he accidentally shoots him dead. Steve Cochran and Chill Wills are his “sidekicks”. The script (based on Fleischmann’s novel) has some interesting elements that reoccur in Peckinpah’s later work. It’s no classic, but an above average oater that’s worth a look for Peckinpah completists. Strother Martin is a preacher, and Wil Wright and Riley Hill have parts. Peckinpah made the classic GUNS IN THE AFTERNOON (1962) next.

DEADLY COUGAR See: DEADLY RANSOM

DEADLY DUO (1970) See: VENGEANCE (1970)

THE DEADLY DUO (seung hap; shuang xia) (1971 HK) D: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW David Chiang and Ti Lung are the title freedom fighters who attempt to liberate a captured prince from an enemy fortress in this masterful kung fu and swordplay epic. Battle scenes choreographed by Liu Chia Liang and Tang Chia are reason enough to watch, but with Chang at the helm and the Shaw Bros having commissioned yet another great Kuang script, it’s an essential must-see. With Yang Sze (Bolo Yeung), Ku Feng, Wong Chung, Chan Chuen, Wong Kwong Yue, Stanley Fung, Lau Kar Wing, Phillip Ko Fei, Yen Shi Kwan, Wong Ching, Hsu Hsia, Danny Lee, San Kuai, Yuen Shun Yi, Chui Fat, Hwang Ha, Ho Pak Kwong, Wong Shu Tong, Yuen Woo Ping, Yuen Chang Yan, Lee Chiu and Fung Hak On.

DEADLY ENCOUNTER (american eagle) (1982 US) D: WILLIAM A. GRAHAM W/P: ROBERT BORIS W: DAVID J. KINGHORN Larry Hagman is a ’nam vet helicopter pilot. Susan Anspach is his ex-wife on the run from murderers she testified against. You are the unlucky viewer put to sleep by all this. James Gammon, Michael C. Gwynne and José Chavez are also in this forgettable tv movie.

DEADLY EVIDENCE See: DEVIL IN A BLUE DRESS

DEADLY EYES See: THE RATS (1982)

DEADLY FRIEND (1986 US) D: WES CRAVEN W: BRUCE JOEL RUBIN P: ROBERT B. SHERMAN One of Craven’s worst. After Kirsty Swanson’s dad beats her to death, her brainy boyfriend puts a robot’s computer in her head to reanimate the body. The techno-zombie Swanson sets out for violent revenge. The only memorable part (a head smashed by a basketball) was added by the producers. With Anne Ramsey. Rubin (GHOST) adapted it from Diana Henstall’s novel.

DEADLY GAME (1991 US) D: THOMAS J. WRIGHT W: WESTBROOK CLARIDGE P: JOHANNA PERSONS It’s MOST DANGEROUS GAME time again as seven people are invited to a mysterious millionaire’s island, only to be hunted by his henchmen and dogs. The island is riddled with video cameras and booby traps. Characters have flashbacks to their reasons for being there. With Marc Singer, Soon-Teck Oh, Roddy McDowall, Mitch Ryan and (briefly) Prof. Toru Tanaka. Pretty entertaining actually.

DEADLY GAMES (1988) See: HIDE AND FREAK

DEADLY HANDS OF KUNG FU See: THE DRAGON LIVES AGAIN

DEADLY HARVEST See: CHILDREN OF THE CORN 4

DEADLY HEROES (navy force) (1993 US) D: MENAHEM GOLAN W/P: DAMIAN LEE W: GREGORY LEE/ JOSEPH GOLDMAN Michael Pare and Jan-Michael Vincent are ex-Navy Seals after Guatemalan terrorists (led by the ever-sleazy Billy Drago) in North Africa. The terrorists (who use plastic toy-looking guns that can pass through metal detectors) have Pare’s wife. Nothing special, but a watchable, generic action movie just as good as the next one (and very pro-SEALS). Filmed in Israel.

DEADLY ILLUSION (I love you to death) (1987 US) D/W: LARRY COHEN D: WILLIAM TANNEN P: IRWIN MEYER Cohen directed three weeks of this quasi-Mike Hammer adaptation before being replaced by Tannen. Billy Dee Williams stars as Hamberger (“don’t make fun of my name”), a cheerful, easygoing private detective without a licence in New York City. A wealthy man hires him to kill his wife. He accepts his money and goes to warn her of the danger, but she ends up dead anyway. A complicated conspiracy is unravelled in this very loose, enjoyable action mystery that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Not unmissable, but Cohen fans will find more of his flavour here than in the awful I, THE JURY (1982). With Vanity in one of her better roles, Morgan Fairchild, John Beck, Michael Wilding Jr. an opening cameo from Joe Spinnell and nice location work. Tannen helmed the Chuck Norris vehicle HERO AND THE TERROR.

DEADLY INVASION: THE KILLER BEE NIGHTMARE (1995 US) D: ROCKNE S. O’BANNON W: STEVEN RAE W/P: WILLIAM BLAST P: RANDY SUTTER Like the title says. Robert Hays stars, with Paul Huson, Gina Philips, Dennis Christopher, Nancy Stafford and Ryan Phillippe. Made for tv by the creator of the 80s TWILIGHT ZONE revival series. Should be near the bottom of your list of killer-insect-movies-to-see list.

DEADLY IS THE FEMALE See: GUN CRAZY (1949)

DEADLY KUNG FU LADY See: DEADLY SILVER SPEAR

THE DEADLY MANTIS (the giant mantis; the incredible praying mantis) (1957 US) D: NATHAN JURAN W: MARTIN BERKELEY W/P: WILLIAM ALLAND A volcanic eruption causes a glacier to melt and a giant prehistoric praying mantis is unleashed. It eventually turns up in Washington DC. The human stars are William Hopper and Craig Stevens, but who cares about them when you’ve got Fred Knoth’s great mantis FX creation. A fun monster movie. With George Lynn, Harry Tyler and footage from S.O.S. ICEBERG (1933). Marvin Miller narrates.

DEADLY MISSION See: THE INGLORIOUS BASTARDS

DEADLY NEIGHBORS See: FIEND

DEADLY OUTLAW: REKKA (violent fire; jitsuroku ando noboru kyodo-den: rekka) (2002 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: SHIGENORI TAKECHI P: TSUNEO SETO/KAZUYUKI SETO/TADAHISA SAKAMOTO Riki Takeuchi gets to pull his usual jibs as a half-Korean yakuza underling who (along with friend Kennichi Endo) refuses to kowtow quietly with the rest of his gang after his boss is assassinated by a rival gang muscling in on their territory. Takechi wrote the same basic story for Miike’s AGITATOR, but this is a more action-orientated and cartoonish version with lots of violence and gleeful OTT touches from Miike, who’s obviously just practicing his directorial chops. A must for Miike completists, but more selective viewers can give it a miss, although it would probably entertain you. As the original title suggests, real-life gangster turned actor Noboru Ando “supervised”, and may also appear (I could be wrong about that though). With Renji Ishibashi, Rikia Yasuoka, Tetsuro Tamba, Sonny Chiba, Ryosuke Miki, Daijiro Harada and the laughable Yuya Uchida, who returns as a hologram in one of the more baffling moments. The Flower Travellin’ Band’s immense 1971 LP Satori is used as a soundtrack, and lead singer Joe Yamanaka (who died in 2011) appears.

DEADLY RANSOM (deadly cougar) (1997 US) D/W/P: ROBERT J. HYATT W: LOREN AVEDON P: TAL DEAN McABIAN Avedon is a Navy Seal who goes undercover in South America to rescue his girlfriend and her father who’ve been kidnapped by drug addict Brion James. James is fun, but the rest of this movie sucks.

DEADLY RAY FROM MARS See: FLASH GORDON’S TRIP TO MARS

DEADLY SHAOLIN LONGFIST (magnificent natural fist) (1981 S.KOR) D: “PHILIP CHAN” (GODFREY HO) W: CHARLES SEK P: TOMAS TANG Here’s another release from Filmark International that stars that idiot Elton Chong and co-stars Mike Wong. The plot had something to do with some stolen papers being delivered in exchange for gold, and, of course, revenge. Some of the choreography wasn’t too bad, but only kung fu completists or Elton Chong fans (who must be exterminated) would go out of their way for this one. My favourite Anglicised name in the opening credits was “Beau Wan”!

DEADLY SILVER SPEAR (shaolin’s silver spear; deadly kung fu lady) (1977 TAI) D: SUNG TING MEI P: YEN WU TONG Wang Yu stars as a notorious assassin with a code of honor and a silver spear. He’s hired by Woo Gam to kill “the Devil’s own three”. The first lives underwater, makes sonar noises, wears modern-looking swimming goggles (this is a period production) and is supposedly invincible (but is very easily killed). Also easily killed is a hermit in a cave who fights with two big axes. The third hides in a “house of traps” (some plastic skeletons on strings that rise from coffins) and appears to have a cobra on his head. With them out of the way the real story begins, and this kung fu oddity picks up the pace and gets progressively better as it trundles along. By the time we get to see a “death ring” in action (a spiked Frisbee-like weapon) and some geat Lau Kar-Wing choreographed final duels, this has become another worthwhile and unusual Wang Yu vehicle. With Hsu Feng, Blacky Ko, Cheung Cheung-Kwai and Au Lap Bo.

DEADLY SNAIL VS KUNG FU KILLERS (tin loh daai poh ng hang chan; tian luo da po wu hang zhen) (1977 HK) D: HEUNG LING P: LIE CHUIFONG A young man (Wong Yuen-San) rescues a helpless snail from a snake. Inside the shell (I think, it’s a little confusing) live three fairies, who lounge around while bubbles float about. One (cute Candice Yu) falls for the kindly guy, and she lives with him in the real world as his wife. His mean adoptive family think she’s a demon, so enlist the help of a Taoist monk (Little Unicorn), who is in fact a snake demon in disguise himself. It’s a testament to how popular kung fu was worldwide at one time that this cheap slow-moving fantasy (note painted sets) actually played 42nd St. in the early 80s. I can imagine pissed-off viewers deprived of their martial arts (the title is nonsensical) shouting at the screen. Stoned Deuce viewers who made it to the end might have appreciated the surreal final reel fight between a couple of fairies and painted demons in fright wigs though, one of whom appears to be made from wood, and can turn into a log! The almost nonexistent action was choreographed by Unicorn. The 42nd St. kung fu faithful would have recognised Simon Yuen Siu-Tin (Sam the Seed himself) as the King of the Demons too. With Tin Ching, Wu Jia-Xiang, Wang Lai and Wong Mei. My favourite part was when Unicorn devours a bowl full of frogs.

THE DEADLY SPAWN See: RETURN OF THE ALIENS: THE DEADLY SPAWN

DEADLY SPAWN 2 See: METAMORPHOSIS: THE ALIEN FACTOR

THE DEADLY SPAWN 3: THE REGENERATED MAN (the regenerated man) (1994 US) D/W/P: TED A. BOHUS P: JACK SMITH/DANNY PROVENZANO A scientist is forced to drink his own regeneration formula by robbers and sometimes mutates into a humanoid monster that shoots his fingernails and bone fragments at victims, and has a long extending tongue. I guess the FX are kind of impressive for a low-budget effort (apart from that stupid VFX creation at the end), but it doesn’t make any sense and is overloaded with dumb, unfunny fanboy comedy (the scientist is called Dr. Robert Clarke). With Debbie Rochon. It has nothing to do with the great RETURN OF THE ALIENS: THE DEADLY SPAWN (apart from Bohus ruining its good name).

DEADLY STING See: EVIL SPAWN

DEADLY STRIKE (bruce has risen; incredible dragon; captain lee; wanted! bruce li, dead or alive; shen long; san lung) (1978 TAI HK) D/W: HUANG LUNG P: KAN YIU-TUNG Police Captain Bruce Li assembles a bunch of prisoners (including strong and ugly Tsai Hung, and Lung Fei as a one-eyed knife-thrower) to travel cross-country and do battle with various bandits, en route to big boss Chan Sing (who trains with cobras). This entertaining and offbeat kung fu DIRTY DOZEN (1967) variation is fast-paced, action-packed, has with a variety of fighting styles, and includes enough eccentric details to make it memorable. With David Tong Wai, Wong Wing-Sang, Ma Cheung, Lee Keung, Shut Chung-Tin, Su Chen-Ping, Li Min-Lang, Cheung Fu-Hung, Sham Chin-Bo, Chiang Han, Wang Tai-Lang, Chen Chiu, Cliff Ching Ching and Tsang Chiu. The director (also the action choreographer) never helmed anything else, usually working as an actor and action director. After watching I realised I saw a cut (UK) print with about 80 seconds removed (nunchakus and cruelty to a snake). The (rare) uncut version runs 89 mins, I think.

DEADLY TERROR See: GHOST IN THE MACHINE

DEADLY THIEF See: RAIDERS OF THE SACRED STONE

THE DEADLY THREE See: ENTER THE DRAGON

DEADLY TREASURE OF THE PIRANHA See: KILLER FISH

DEADLY WEAPON (1987 US) D/W: MICHAEL MINER W: GEORGE LAFIA P: PETER MANOOGIAN Abused teen Rodney Eastman escapes from the harsh realities of a small Arizona town, where older kids pick on him and his dad is always drunk, by convincing himself that he’s an alien. This not very good film copies LASERBLAST after Eastman finds a powerful, experimental anti-matter gun lost by the military in a crash. He gets revenge on his oppressors and takes hostages. With Ed Nelson, William Sanderson, Walter Koenig and a pet dog called Van Halen. Charles Band was the executive producer and Hope Perello was the associate producer.

DEADLY WEAPONS (1970 US) D/P: DORIS WISHMAN W: “J.J. KENDALL” (JUDY J. KUSHNER) Chesty Morgan (billed as Zsa Zsa) travels from NYC to Vegas to avenge the death of her gangster boyfriend. Apparently she’s a “successful advertising executive” but gets a job as a stripper so she can locate the killers (one of them is Harry Reems). Finding them, she seduces them and smothers them to death with her enormous, almost mutated breasts! No one made movies quite like Wishman (the camera’s all over the place, likewise the lip-sync, and don’t forget the sound FX), and this is a great place to start. I would say there’s nothing else like it, but an even stranger sequel (DOUBLE AGENT ‘73) followed. The screenwriter was Wishman’s niece. Released in 73.

DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS (1998 US) D: ALAN COHN W: MICHAEL TRAEGER/MIKE WHITE/ANTHONY ABRAMS/ADAM LARSON BRODER P: GALE ANN HURD Tom Everett Scott and Mark-Paul Gosselaar are failing college students who hit upon the idea of prompting a new room-mate from the campus loonybin to commit suicide, so they can get straight As as compensation. This more comedic version of DEAD MAN’S CURVE is not funny. With Lochlyn Munro, Poppy Montgomery, Alyson Hannigan, Linda Cardellini and Kurt Loder (it’s an MTV production).

DEAD MAN’S CURVE (the curve) (1997 US) D/W: DAN ROSEN P: MICHAEL AMATO/THEODORE SCHIPPER/ JEREMY LEW Here’s a pretty predictable and unengaging post-SCREAM murder thriller in a college setting, complete with “surprise” conclusion. It revolves around the you’ll-get-straight-As-if-your-room-mate-commits-suicide urban myth. Matthew Lillard stars, with Michal Vartan, Keri Russell and Dana Delany. DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS had the same idea. Not to be confused with the biographical JAN AND DEAN: DEADMAN’S CURVE. Rosen also wrote THE LAST SUPPER.

DEAD MEN RIDE (at the end of the rainbow; anda muchacho, spara! Il sole sotto la terra; el sol bajo la tierra) (1971 ITL SPN) D/W: ALDO FLORIO W: BRUNO DI GERONIMO/E.M. BROCHERO P: EDUARDO MANZANOS BROCHERO A good spaghetti western which stars Fabio Testi as a chain gang escapee who inspires a town of oppressed Mexicans by gunning down a gang one-by-one, who for reasons unknown draw on him first after he mentions an unseen man’s name. Eventually flashbacks explain all. Eduardo Fajardo is the main villain. With José Calvo, Massimo Srato, Luciano Pigozzi, Daniel Martin, Romano Puppo, Geoffredo Unger, José Nieto, Fabian Conde, Miguel del Castillo and Rufino Ingles. Florio’s other western was FIVE GIANTS FROM TEXAS (1966)

THE DEAD NEXT DOOR (1989 US) D/W/P: J.R. BOOKWALTER P: JOLIE JACKUNAS I appreciate that this gory Super-8 debut from young do-it-all Bookwalter (he acts in it too, photographed, edited etc.) took four years to complete and has very good, professional looking FX, but it remains a pretty boring, unimaginative copy of Romero’s zombie trilogy and THE EVIL DEAD. It’s fanboy filmmaking at its worst, with characters called Dr. Savini and the like. Scott Spiegel appears as a zombie squad cop and you can hear the familiar voice of Bruce Campbell dubbing some of the voices. Sam Raimi helped finance it but was not pleased with the results, so took his name off the credits. Bookwalter went on to make many more.

DEAD OF NIGHT (1945 UK) D: ALBERTO CAVALCANTI/ BASIL DEARDEN/ROBERT HAMER/CHARLES CRICHTON W: JOHN BAINES/ANGUS MacPHAIL/ T.E.B. CLARKE P: MICHAEL BALCON THE influential b/w horror anthology has not dated well in parts, but is still essential viewing for anyone interested in good horror. Michael Redgrave and his creepy dummy feature in the most famous segment which has been copied endlessly over the years, but rarely quite as chilling. The linking loop segment for all the (above average) stories doesn’t shock or surprise anymore, but that’s also just because of endless imitations. With Mervyn Johns, Roland Culver, Googie Withers, Miles Malleson, Ralph Michael, Allan Jeayes, Elizabeth Welch, Garry Marsh and Peter Jones.

DEAD OF NIGHT (deathdream; whispers) (1972 CAN US UK) D/P: BOB CLARK W: ALAN ORMSBY P: JOHN TRENT/PETER JAMES The people behind CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS returned with this classic, unique variation on the old Monkey’s Paw tale. A thought-to-be-dead soldier (Richard Backus) returns home from ’nam after his mother wishes it. Everyone excuses his weird behaviour because he’s been to war, but WWII vet dad John Marley thinks there’s more to it when his son kills the family dog. Other dead bodies with needle marks start to turn up. It works as extremely creepy horror, satire and with it’s abundance of well-written characters, a dark comedy too. Some of the makeup is by Tom Savini, and John “Bud” Cardos was the Production Manager. Deserves a wider reputation as one of the best horror movies of the 70s. Clark made BLACK CHRISTMAS next.

DEAD OF NIGHT (1977 US) D: DAN CURTIS W: RICHARD MATHESON P: ROBERT SINGER This tv horror anthology gets better as it progresses. Second Chance (based on a story by Jack Finney) is a tame, boring supernatural tale starring Ed Begley Jr. as a vintage car nut who restores an old Playboy and travels back in time. Things improve a bit with No Such Thing As A Vampire (a Matheson story also adapted for a lost episode of BBCTV’s 1968 series LATE NIGHT HORROR), starring Patrick Macnee, Horts Buchholz and Elisha Cook Jr. But Bobby is the best, a twist on the old Monkey’s Paw standard, with a great final shot that resulted in many creeped-out children of the 70s to fondly remember DEAD OF NIGHT for years to come. With Ann Doran.

DEAD OF NIGHT (1999) See: LIGHTHOUSE

DEAD ON: RELENTLESS 2 See: RELENTLESS 2

DEAD OR ALIVE: HANZAISHA (d.o.a.) (1999 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: ICHIRO RYU P: KATSUMI ONO/MAKOTO AKADA/TOSHIKI KIMURA Here’s another outrageous crime movie from the director of FUDOH. Sho Aikawa is a family-man cop on the trail of a group of yakuza members (led by Ricky Takeuchi) who robbed an armoured car. After a hyperstylish opening sequence this settles down to a pretty good but unremarkable action thriller (with a few warped moments like a woman drowned in a pool of her own shit) as Aikawa and partner Susumu Terajima track down the gang. But this is just a cleverly planned deception so that the incredible, jaw-dropping ending hits you head-on. You won’t believe it. A great cast also helps make this essential viewing. Ren Osugi snorts a very long line of coke, Dankan films bestiality dog porn and Renji Ishibashi, Shingo Tsurumi, Hua Rong Wong, Hitoshi Ozawa and Tomoroh Taguchi are here as well.

DEAD OR ALIVE 2: BIRDS (2000 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: NAKA MURA P: YOSHIHIRO MASUDA/MAKOTO OKADA/TOSHIKI KIMURA Whereas the first movie took the audience for a ride and audaciously got away with it, this sequel (in name only) falls on the wrong side of pretentious. Riki Takeuchi and Sho Aikawa (with bleach-blond hair and a different acting style) are criminals who are accidentally reunited since their childhood days at an orphanage on a small island. They return there, put on a school-play and return to the city as hitmen who donate their money to Third World countries in need of vaccines for their children! There’s some nice ideas, impressive weird touches and some shocking violence mixed into this sentimental stew, but it all adds up to confusion and disappointment. With director Shinya Tsukamoto (TETSUO, GEMINI), Tomoroh Taguchi, Ren Osugi, Kennichi Endo and Noriko Aota, and a good tip on how to eat kitsune udon.

DEAD OR ALIVE 3: FINAL (2002 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: HITOSHI ISHIKAWA/ICHIRO RYU/YOSHINOBO KAMMO P: MAKOTO OKADA/TOSHIKI KIMURA/ YOSHIHIRO MASUDA In the year AD 2346, Tokyo is but a shell of its former self, everyone seems to speak Chinese and rebel forces on an island are not allowed to have children (I think). Riki Takeuchi is a cop whose son is kidnapped by the rebels, who are protected by the superhuman-seeming Sho Aikawa. Apart from the occasional brief inspired moment, this (mostly unrelated) conclusion to the loose trilogy veers far too close to sleep-inducing Albert Pyun territory. That is until the unfathomable and utterly outrageous climax that’s pure Miike. It’s almost worth waiting for (for fans). With Josie Ho and some nice photography. It was filmed in Hong Kong. [Illus.]

DEAD PEOPLE See: MESSIAH OF EVIL

DEAD PEOPLE 2 See: REEKER

THE DEAD PIT (1988 US) D/W: BRETT LEONARD W/P: GIMEL EVERETT Here’s another interesting, ambitious and semi-effective low-budget horror movie that’s pretty senseless. An intriguing prologue shows a long spiral staircase to a smoke-shrouded basement lab and the results of a messy lobotomy. “Twenty years later” and “Jane Doe” is admitted against her will to a mental asylum because she can’t recall her identity. She insists she didn’t lose her memory, but “someone stole it”. She befriends an inmate with a Brit accent who likes blowing things up. During regressive hypnosis with psychiatrist Jeremy Slate she gets possessed by something. In a dream sequence a nurse hoses her down (or rather her topless double Shauna McCullough) while laughing maniacally. Meanwhile a figure with glowing red eyes is killing people, and there’s an earthquake. Zombies (including one played by Damon Foster of Oriental Cinema magazine) emerge from title pit at the end. It had to be cut for an R rating, but there’s still some nice gore. Leonard and Evertt went on to LAWNMOWER MAN.

DEAD POINT See: 52 PICK-UP

THE DEAD POOL (1988 US) D: BUDDY VAN HORN W: STEVE SHARON/DURK PEARSON/SANDY SHAKIOCUS P: DAVID VALDES MAGNUM FORCE was the last really good Dirty Harry movie, but at least this (the fifth and final) one was better than SUDDEN IMPACT. Clint Eastwood (the mayor of Carmel, CA, at the time) returns as Harry Callahan (“Opinions are like assholes… everybody has one”). Evan C. Kim is his new partner. This time someone is killing off people on the titular list, the prime suspect being horror movie director Liam Neeson (clips from TIME AFTER TIME, PHANTASM, THE PACK and IT’S ALIVE III are used to illustrate how gruesome his movies supposedly are). A remote-controlled miniature car-bomb is used (as in the previous year’s PICASSO TRIGGER), and there is a death by harpoongun. It seems very confused while trying to make points about censorship and media intrusion, but its greatest crime is just being so generic and boring. Even Lalo Schifrin’s score is quite horrible. The murder of a film critic seems to be a dig at Pauline Kael. Jim Carrey is a junky rockstar seen gurning and lip-syncing to Welcome To The Jungle (members of Guns N’ Roses, who hated the film, are seen briefly). With Patricia Clarkson and little Justin Whalin (his debut). Eastwood directed the Charlie Parker biopic BIRD the same year. Van Horn directed Clint again in the rubbish PINK CADILLAC (1989).

DEAD PRESIDENTS (1995 US) D/W/P: THE HUGHES BROTHERS W: MICHAEL HENRY BROWN Second feature from the directors of MENACE II SOCIETY charts the progress of Bronx youth Larenz Tate from high school graduate to ’nam hero and back to the unfriendly streets of NYC where he plans an armoured car robbery. Keith David, Chris Tucker, N’Bushe Wright, Freddy Rodriguez and Bookeem Woodbine are his partners in crime. Too many critics misunderstood this as a serious message movie I think, where in fact it works better as a cartoonish crime movie with decent characterisations and backstory. But it seems to just run out of track rather than end properly. With James Pickens Jr., Jennifer Lewis, Clifton Powell, Terrence Dashon Howard, Sticky Fingaz, Michael Imperioli, Jaimz Woolvett, Clifton Collins Jr., Heather B. and uncredited appearances from Isaiah Washington, Martin Sheen and Seymour Cassel. The Hughes Bros made the documentary AMERICAN PIMP next.

DEAD RINGERS (1988 CAN) D/W/P: DAVID CRONENBERG W: NORMAN SNIDER P: MARC BOYMAN Cronenberg has directed many classics over the years, but I think this is his most accomplished, fully-realised and disturbing work to date. Jeremy Irons is brilliant playing twin gynaecologists who date the same woman (Genevieve Bujold). The true story of jealousy, love, betrayal and surgical instruments was adapted from the book Twins by Bari Wood and Jack Geasland, on which this is based. With Stephen Lack, Damir Andrei and Cronenberg (who made NAKED LUNCH next). A must see.

DEAD RISING (shibyo osen) (2010 JPN) D/W: KEIJI INAFUNE W: MINORU IKEHARA P: YASAKUA TOYOSHIMA Oh boy, is this one a stinker! Various characters (an insufferably self-pitying teenage boy in a wheelchair, who’s the lead, a nice nurse and some thuggish gangsters) hole-up in a warehouse during a zombie epidemic (the result of a virus spread by a reality tv show, in the only vague, off-handed attempt at satire). A vaccine that keeps symptoms at bay is called Zomberex! After hiding behind some crates for a loooong time, and being subjected to endless flashbacks, the kid modifies his wheelchair A-TEAM style and… well, it’s just as boring as before really. And very, very cheap looking. And after all that, the “surprise” ending is straight out of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD… from 42 years earlier!! This turd from Nikkatsu (released in Japanese, and an English dub) is based on a Capcom video game, and is the directorial debut from a famous video game producer (who I hope doesn’t decide to make a habit out of it). Stay well away. Shot in Kyoto.

DEAD SET (2008 UK) D: YANN DEMANGE W: CHARLIE BROOKER For those who don’t know, Big Brother is a reality tv show in which a number of “housemates” are all made to live together in the BB house while cameras record their every move for a viewing audience who can vote to evict them. The format (obviously taking its name from Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four) was initiated in the Netherlands and went global with varying degrees of success. In the UK (on C4 and affiliate channels), however, it went ballistic, with BB coverage of all sorts flooding the media for months of the year throughout the first decade of the century. DEAD SET is a fictional take on the show, an E4 miniseries (of five episodes running about 140 mins all told) that shows a country overrun with zombies (the fast, running type) during eviction night (note the very real crowd hysteria footage), during which time characters barricade themselves inside the BB house. This satirical concept is very much the brainchild of executive producer Brooker, a familiar sight on British tv as a comedic cultural commentator (he also used to write for kids comic Oink!, which I enjoyed as a child, and cowrote the underrated Chris Morris sitcom Nathan Barley). Some went a bit overboard on the praise (considering its unoriginality), but this is a solid gut-muncher with gore, thrills, black comedy and great acting (Andy Nyman is particularly good as a real slimeball show producer). With Jaime Winstone (KIDULTHOOD), Riq Ahmed, Adam Deacon, Kevin Eldon, and Davina McCall and (newsreader) Krishnan Guru-Murthy as themselves (there’s also a bunch of former housemate “celebrities” for those in the know).

DEAD SILENCE (silence de mort) (1996 CAN US) D: DANIEL PETRIE JR. W: DONALD STEWART P: JOHN KEMENY Three hillbilly prison escapees take a bunch of deaf kids hostage in an old abandoned building in the country. James Garner is the hotheaded FBI agent (who was involved in WACO) who has to negotiate the situation. Dull and uninspired are some words that come to mind. With Marlee Matlin, Lolita Davidovich, Charles Martin Smith, Kim Coates, Kenneth Welsh, Blu Mankuma, Mimi Kuzyk, John Bourgeois, Neil Crone, Barry Pepper, Craig Eldridge, Arnold Pinnock and Petrie Jr. Based on Jeffrey Deaver’s novel A Maiden’s Grave.

DEAD SOUL HUNTING See: JUNK

DEAD SPACE (1990 US) D: FRED GALLO W: CATHERINE CYRAN P: MIKE ELLIOTT Terrible rehash of FORBIDDEN WORLD from executive producer Roger Corman, starring Marc Singer as an astronaut against an ALIEN-style creature on a spacecraft (which has lots of fog on-board). With Bryan Cranston and a crappy robot.

THE DEAD TALK BACK (1957 US) D/W/P: MERLE S. GOULD This cheap b/w mystery wasn’t released until 1993 when Sinister Cinema unearthed it (it was also on the MST3K show). It’s no worse than others from the period, but don’t expect a neglected gem. A bearded “Private Investigator” and mad scientist (that’s more like it) introduces the very slow-moving tale from his basement lab where he has a device for talking to the dead (it looks like a rock). “Oh it’s true,” he exclaims before narrating a long flashback that’s mostly cops interrogating the prime suspects in a murder-by-crossbow case. The ending is straight out of a Tod Slaughter movie. My favourite part is the bongo players in a music shop (why?). Thankfully it’s just over an hour.

THE DEAD THAT WALK See: ZOMBIES OF MORA TAU

DEAD TIME STORIES (freaky fairy tales) (1985 US) D/W/P: JEFFREY S. DELMAN W: EDWARD J. KIERNAN/ CHARLES F. SHELTON P: WILLIAM PAUL This silly but pretty enjoyable horror spoof anthology is made up of four short stories (including the wraparound). The werewolf variation on Little Red Riding Hood and “Goldi Lox And The Three Baers” are the best, I suppose. Ed French provided FX and it was backed by the same guy who was executive producer on DEEP THROAT. The trailer is on DRIVE-IN MADNESS! It took three years to make and wasn’t released until 1987.

DEAD WATERS See: DARK WATERS

THE DEAD ZONE (1983 CAN) D: DAVID CRONENBERG W: JEFFREY BOAM P: DEBRA HILL After the financial flop VIDEODROME, Cronenberg made this more mainstream (and successful) Stephen King adaptation which is just as good as anything he’s done. It’s definitely the best King adaption, and deserves to be known as more than a “sell out” (critics often point out that it’s not based on an original Cronenberg script or idea). Christopher Walken is an English schoolteacher (with a fondness for Sleepy Hollow, a poem later adapted for the screen with Walken in it) who awakes from a five year coma (after a car accident) with psychic powers. When he touches people he has visions from their past or future and can warn them of possible dangers. He helps the police catch a serial killer in one particularly gripping part. When he comes into contact with monomaniacal political candidate Martin Sheen he has visions of a nuclear apocalypse and turns assassin. An intelligent, exciting thriller that comes highly recommended. With Herbert Lom, Brooke Adams, Tom Skerritt, Anthony Zerbe, Nicolas Campbell, Colleen Dewhurst, Jackie Burroughs, Barry Flatman, Ken Pogue, Roger Dunn, Leslie Carlson and William B. Davis. The Michael Kamen score helps too. I wonder if King saw H.G. Lewis’ SOMETHING WEIRD before writing his novel?

DEAFULA (young deafula) (1975 US) D/W: “PETER WECHSBERG” (PETER WOLF) P: GARY R. HOLSTROM The world’s only totally sign language movie (with dubbed-in dialogue track and very little music for people who can hear) manages to be deadly dull and fascinating at the same time. The (very slow) story about a student priest (director Wolf) who turns into a vampire with a big fake nose when blood transfusions from his father stop, could have been interesting in the right hands. And then there’s the scary, demented hunchback with tin can hands, and a Scotland Yard Inspector no one likes who keeps saying “I’m from England” to prove his detection abilities. When Wolf meets Dracula (played by producer Holstrom) he says, “I’m your son, Deafula”. Getting stoned would help to enjoy this b/w rarity.

DEATH AND THE MAIDEN (la jeune fille et la mort) (1994 UK US FRA) D: ROMAN POLANSKI W: RAFAEL YGLESIAS/ARIEL DORFMAN P: JOSH KRAMER/THOM MOUNT Polanski returns to his claustrophobic roots (KNIFE IN THE WATER, REPULSION) for this very good and intense thriller that borrows a plot from COLLECTOR’S ITEM and THE DEVIL’S HONEY (apparently Fulci was a good friend of Polanski). Officially it’s based on a play by Ariel Dorfman. Sigourney Weaver is a former political activist whose lawyer husband (Stuart Wilson) brings a man (Ben Kingsley) back to the house one night. On hearing his voice, Weaver is convinvced that this is the man who once tortured her for the government. Despite her husband’s pleas and Kingsley’s denial, she ties him up and tortures him. Nailbiting stuff.

DEATH BEACH See: BLOODY FIST

DEATH BED (1982) See: TERMINAL CHOICE

DEATH BLOW See: THUNDERFIST

DEATH BY PIZZA See: DELIVERED

DEATH BECOMES HER (1992 US) D/P: ROBERT ZEMECKIS W: MARTIN DONOVAN/DAVID KOEPP P: STEVE STARKEY In 1978, Meryl Streep is a has-been Broadway star who steals Goldie Hawn’s plastic surgeon fiancé Bruce Willis. Hawn goes into a long depression and gains a lot of weight, but reappears 14 years later looking young and beautiful. Hawn and Willis plot to kill Streep, but she’s taken a magic potion (supplied by Isabella Rossellini) that stops her from ageing (and dying). This surprisingly good satire on Hollywood vanity makes good use of Dick Smith and ILM FX as Hawn walks around with a shotgun hole through her stomach and Streep’s head gets bent and squashed. A lot of it takes place in old-fashioned thunder and lightning castle-look mansions. With Sydney Pollack, Jonathan Silverman, Ian Ogilvy and Fabio.

DEATH CHALLENGE (maai meng bin yeun; mai ming bian yan) (1977 HK) D: JIMMY LEE P: CHAN CHUNG WAN/TOMMY LEE Obscure action movie with a generic, forgettable plot about gangsters. I only watched it five mins ago and I’m having trouble remembering, it was so mind-numbingly dull! The Lalo Schifrin ENTER THE DRAGON score is stolen. Producer Lee has a part, but don’t expect his participation to guarantee decent fight choreography as usually it does. With O Chun Hung, Ma Cheung and Shih Ting Ken. Kung fu star Jimmy Lee’s only film as director. Skip it.

DEATH CHAMBER See: SHAOLIN TEMPLE (1976)

DEATH COLLECTOR (family enforcer; the collector; the enforcer) (1976 US) D/W: RALPH DE VITO P: WILLIAM N. PANZER Joe Cortese stars as an ambitious small-time operator in the New Jersey gangster leagues, whose attitude gets him way out of his depth in this very good low-budget mob movie filled with great scenes. Apparently Martin Scorsese cast third-billed Joe Pesci (and Frank Vincent) in RAGING BULL (1980) after seeing this.

DEATH CORPS See: SHOCK WAVES

DEATH CREATURE See: WATCHERS 3

DEATH CUBE See: DEATH GAME

THE DEATH CURSE (goo chak sam fong fong; gu zhai xin huang huang) (2003 HK) D: CHEANG POUSOI W: SZETO KAM/NG WING KEI/TANG NIKKEI P: LEE FUNG MING They dusted off the old relatives gathering for the reading of the will chestnut again, as eight estranged kids from different marriages hang around their late father’s country house to earn their inheritance. The corpse is put on display sitting in a chair and deaths and hallucinations result. There are some freaky, creepy images in this nonsensical horror, but the other stuff inbetween is a bore. With Gillian Chung, Charlene Choi, Alex Fong and Raymond Wong. Outtakes run during the final credits.

DEATH CURSE OF TARTU (curse of death) (1966 US) D/W: WILLIAM GREFE P: JOSEPH FINK/JUAN HIDALGO-GATO Deep in the Florida Everglades (which has sharks) archaeology students disturb Tartu (Doug Hobart), an ancient Native Indian mummy that can transform into a snake, an alligator and a regular warrior in head-dress. The best moments this time-waster has to offer are when Tartu is just a cool skull-faced mummy covered in cobwebs rising from his coffin. The rest is pretty much just crap (apart from the twisting!). Brad F. Grinter (BLOOD FREAK) appears uncredited. For a more memorable Grefe Everglade horror, check out the unbelievable STING OF DEATH (also with Hobart). Both are available on an excellent double bill dvd from Something Weird Video.

THE DEATH DEALER See: ALMOST HUMAN

DEATH DEALERS See: VIOLENT NAPLES

DEATH DIMENSION (black eliminator; kill factor; freeze bomb; icy death) (1978 US) D: AL ADAMSON W/P: HARRY HOPE Jim Kelly hit an all-time low when he starred in two Al Adamson pictures, BLACK SAMURAI and this atrocious oddity. The plot involves a kidnapped scientist forced to develop a freeze bomb. In a hilarious demonstration scene, the bomb explodes and two tied up victims are covered in falling snow! Info for the design is hidden inside a microdot in his female assistant’s scalp. Kelly must protect her from the bad guys (Aldo Ray, Harold Sakata). With George Lazenby, Terry Moore, Bob Minor, Myron Bruce Lee (!) and the unfortunately named Sally Cowfarts. Gary Graver was the photographer. Dick Randall was the executive producer.

DEATH DOLL (2010) See: NEEDLE

DEATHDREAM See: DEAD OF NIGHT (1972)

DEATH DREAMS (1991 US) D: MARTIN DONOVAN W: ROBERT GLASS P: RONI WEISBERG Christopher Reeve and Marg Helgenberger are haunted by the ghost of their dead child in this boring tv movie based on a novel by William Katz. With Fionnula Flanagan. Dick Clark was the executive producer. Donovan also made APARTMENT ZERO.

DEATH DRIVE See: HITCH-HIKE

DEATH DRUG (whack attack) (1978 US) D: OSCAR WILLIAMS W: ROLAND S. JEFERSON/JOHN POOLE W/P: DEMETRIUS JOHNSON The last of Williams’ four black cast features, this is the REEFER MADNESS of the 70s, with PCP instead of grass. Philip Michael Thomas stars as a plumber and amateur songwriter/musician who gets a break and is signed for stardom at a major record label. But he’s also introduced to Angel Dust, and becomes paranoid and violent, hallucinating spiders, snakes and his hairbrush turning into a little alligator puppet (!), before seeking help from Rosalind Cash at a scary PCP clinic. But even after quitting he suffers a major flashback hallucination in a supermarket, with rats and people in monster masks, before throwing himself in front of a truck! After making it big on tv in Miami Vice, Thomas recorded a new intro and outro as himself, and someone filmed a ridiculous new opening scene of a rabid-looking PCP addict freaking out at Venice Beach. They also added amusingly dated, genuine Thomas music videos. With Vernee Watson-Johnson, DJ Frankie Crocker, Case Biggs, The Gap Band and cowriter Poole (the star of 1976’s DISCO 9000, written by Jefferson). It’s only 71 mins long.

DEATH DUAL OF MANTIS See: DEATH DUEL OF MANTIS

DEATH DUEL OF KUNG FU (showdown of the master warriors; he xing dao shou tang lang tui) (1979 HK) D: WILLIAM CHEUNG KIN W: I. KUANG P: CHEN HSIANG MEI/CHANG CHIEN CHIEN This kung fu favourite has wall-to-wall top-notch action choreographed by Chin Yuet Sang and Meng Hoi which makes it a must for fans, but sadly lacks an engaging storyline to go along with the action. It also doesn’t help that two of the genre’s most uncharismatic figures (John Liu and Don Wong Tao) star. With Eagle Han, Wu Jiaxiang, Charlie Chan Yiu Lan, Peter Chan Lung, Chung Faat and Ging Chue.

DEATH DUEL OF MANTIS (strike of the mantis fist; mantis fights cock; death dual of mantis) (1978 TAI) D: CHEUNG GIT W: LUI KAI SHEN Once we get past the food fights and lame comedy, this is a solid martial arts vehicle for Ting Wa Chung (a forgotten and not very busy B-list kung fu headliner). Nothing special, but the kung fu (choreographed by Lam Kong Wing and So Kwok Leung) is good. With Lung Fei, O Yau Man and Ma Cheung.

DEATH FACE 9TH See: HIDE AND GO SHRIEK

DEATH FILE: VERSION RED (199? JPN) An onscreen narrator explains to us how watching mondo videos is good for your health by leaving you scared of nothing (a medically proven fact, apparently). He illustrates this by climbing into a coffin on the beach which is then set on fire. After this bizarre opening sequence we settle down to routine network tv-style reports, from an earthquake in India and starving kids in Somalia. When we get to Thailand, however, things get much more interesting. A kid who fell off his bike has huge, extraordinary black and scaly elephantiasis of the leg. The show-stopper though is the amazing skinless baby. The unfortunate victim of some rare disease, he looks as if he’s been turned inside out! After this it’s downhill: firing squads, illegal autopsies etc. A more lighthearted section has a blind guy complaining that he can’t get work in the porn industry because people are overprotective of the disabled (a good point), so the filmmakers provide him with a naked woman to feel up! There is also a DEATH FILE: VERSION BLACK, a VERSION YELLOW and NEW DEATH FILE (at least).

DEATH FLIGHT See: SST-DEATH FLIGHT

DEATH FORCE See: FIGHTING MAD (1978)

DEATH GAME (death cube; mortal challenge) (1996 US) D: RANDOLPH CHEVELDAVE W: BLAIN BROWN P: MAURICE SMITH In the future, LA has been destroyed by a series of earthquakes and the wealthy residents have erected New LA on a nearby island while “street trash” remain in the derelict city. Timothy Bottoms stars as a detective on a missing persons case who ends up trapped in a network of tunnels and rooms with other annoying characters while a killer cyborg tracks them down. It’s another MOST DANGEROUS GAME copy with David McCallum as the main villain who comments on the action and compares it to ancient Rome, while rich kids watch it on a tv screen and place bets. Roger Corman was the executive producer for this very cheap-looking Concorde/Showtime tv movie. It’s not very good, but might keep you entertained if you’re in a less discriminating mood.

DEATH GAME 2025 See: FUTURE SPORT

DEATH HOUSE See: SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT

DEATH IS CHILD’S PLAY See: WOULD YOU KILL A CHILD?

THE DEATH KISS (1933 US) D: EDWIN L. MARIN W: BARRY BARRINGER/GORDAN KAHN During the filming of a movie at a studio run by Bela Lugosi, the star is shot dead. John Wray is a knucklehead cop who’s convinced that the leading lady did it. Mystery screenwriter David Manners (in DRACULA with Lugosi) is out to prove she didn’t. Delightful black comedy mystery based on Madelon St. Dennis’ novel benefits from cracking cynical/screwball dialogue and a fast pace (it runs just over an hour). Smoke and fire scenes are tinted green and orange (a nice effect). With Edward Van Sloan (also in DRACULA), Vince Barnett, Harold Miajir, Barbara Bedford, Al Hill, Wade Boteler, Lee Moran, King Baggott, Wilson Benge, Eddie Boland, Edmund Burns, Eddy Chandler, James Donlan, Grace Hayle, Clarence Muse, Frank O’Connor, Paul Porcas, Harry Strang, Alan Roscoe and Forrest Taylor.

DEATH LAID AN EGG (plucked; a curious way to love; kuoleman ansa; la morte hafatto l’uomo) (1967 ITL FRA) D/W: GIULIO QUESTI W: FRANCO ARCALLI P: FRANCO MARRAS Jean-Louis Trintigant and Gina Lollobrigida are a married couple who have just fully automated their successful chicken farm. The egg industry has big plans for the future, and mutant “all meat” chickens with no heads or wings are being created. Meanwhile cousin and helper Ewa Aulin (the amazing looking star of CANDY) is plotting (while having an affair with Trintigant). Trintigant himself has a secret desire for violent sex with prostitutes, and the bodies of dead women are being found. Deliberately paced and often surreal, this offbeat, cool cult favourite deserves your attention. Bruno Maderna provided the spastic jazz score. With Giullio Donnini. Questi made DJANGO KILL the same year.

DEATH LINE (raw meat) (1972 UK) D/W: GARY A. SHERMAN W: CERI JONES P: PAUL MASLANSKY DEATH LINE is one of the greatest horror films of the 70s, but remains criminally undervalued. A cannibal lives in the London Underground. He’s the grown-up child of a survivor from a digging crew trapped by a cave-in and left to die years ago. He had to eat his dying family to survive and developed a taste for human flesh. He stalks the platforms late at night for victims and can only say “mind the doors”. A genuinely touching scene shows him in a corpse-strewn hovel. Donald Pleasence has the role of his life as a cheeky police inspector and Christopher Lee has an extended cameo as well. Scary, funny, disturbing, gory and even thought-provoking, DEATH LINE deserves more attention as a horror classic. With Norman Rossington.

DEATH LIST See: TERMINAL CHOICE

DEATH LIVES See: TRANCERS 3

DEATH MACHINE (1994 UK) D/W: STEPHEN NORRINGTON P: DOMINIC ANCIANO Brad Dourif is entertaining as crazed long-haired inventor Jack Dante. He keeps his corporate job at an arms company (where he lives in the basement watching porn and violent cartoons) by threatening the executives with the dangerous robots he builds. He also hacks into private files and knows everything about everyone. The woman who runs the company wants to get rid of him, but ends up trapped in the high-rise building and chased by Dante’s large killer robot with metal teeth. William Hootkins is one of a peaceful underground terrorist group (who make elaborate spliffs) hoping to destroy the corporation. Set in the near future, it’s not bad (with a pretty funny sense of humour) and quite exciting to begin with. But it’s about 30 mins too long at two hours and not so much fun when Dourif isn’t around. Backed by the Japanese, it was filmed in LA and England. With Rachel Weisz and Norrington (a former makeup artist making his directorial debut). All the characters are named after cult directors, an irritating fanboy touch that always gets up my nose.

DEATH MASK OF THE NINJA See: IRON FINGERS OF DEATH

DEATHMASTER (1971 US) D: RAY DANTON W: R.L. GROVE P: FRED SADOFF Robert Quarry (COUNT YORGA) plays a very different kind of vampire, who washes ashore a California beach in a coffin at the beginning of this goofy AIP release. Named Khorda, he soon has a bunch of Topanga Canyon hippies under his spell (remember, this was post-Manson). One kung fu-fighting longhair with a headband doesn’t “dig it” though, and soon convinces his cowardly father (John Fiedler) to help him fight back. Filled with lots of dated hippy talk and complete with sappy theme song, this is a watchable time capsule, and the ending is pretty good. It’s certainly better than actor Danton’s other attempts at directing horror, CRYPT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1973) and PSYCHIC KILLER (1975). Quarry was also the associate producer, and prolific porno maker Harold Lime was the editor.

DEATH MERCHANT (the undertaker) (1988 US) D: FRANCO STEFANINO W: WILLIAM JAMES KENNEDY P: STEVE BOND/FRANK AVIANCA Joe Spinnell had his last starring role in this pathetic horror movie lensed in New York. He’s a very low-key mortician who lives with his mother and calls everybody “moron”. He starts killing people (women) to bump up his trade, which has been lagging because of fitness fads (“I guess I’ll drum up some business”). His suspicious nephew tries to warn people and a movie theatre security guard investigates. Spinnell cackles when he kills (although it seems to be someone else dubbed in) and goes to see Bela Lugosi in THE CORPSE VANISHES…. a LOT! Endless footage from CORPSE, AFRICA SCREAMS, THE TERROR, SCARED TO DEATH and the Ronald Reagan and chimp movie, BEDTIME FOR BONZO (!), burns up running time, as do long aerobic workout scenes. The ridiculous surprise ending seems to use cheap computer graphics. There’s also much repeated footage and a terrible rock band. And why do characters keep commenting on the “gore” in an old b/w Monogram feature from 1942? One girl even walks out of a screening because it’s too gruesome!

DEATH NOTE (2006 JPN) D: SHUSUKE KANEKO W: TETSUYA OOISHI P: TAKAHIRO SATO/TOYOJI FUKUDA/TAKAHIRO KOGASHI College student Tatsuya Fujiwara gets his hands on the title notebook. In it he can write the name of anyone he can picture and they will die instantly of a heart attack (unless more specific instructions are written). He uses this new-found power to rid the world of criminals, and becomes an (anonymous) hero to many for his work. The God of Death (an awkward and not-too-scary CGI creature) that only he can see hangs out in his room and eats apples. The police utilise the help of an expert called L (who turns out to be teen sugar addict Kennichi Matsuyama) to track him. It’s difficult to judge this ludicrous but watchable teen-appeal adaptation of Tsugumi Ooba and Takeshi Obata’s manga series on its own, as it ends mid-story (to be continued in the sequel). We shall see. With Asako Sato, Yuu Kashii, Shigeru Kosakawa, Masahiko Tsugawa, Takeshi Kaga, Yoji Tanaka, not enough of cute idol Erika Toda, and the voice of Shido Nakamura. There was also an animated series. All were major hits.

DEATH NOTE: THE LAST NAME (2006 JPN) D/W: SHUSUKE KANEKO W: TETSUYA OISHI P: TAKAHIRO SATO/TOYOHARA FUKUDA/TAKAHIRO KOBAYASHI If you liked the original then you’ll probably dig this hit sequel, even though they seem to be making the rules up as they go along in the second half. This time the plot thickens, and there’s a second death notebook on the scene. Most of the same regulars return, plus there’s Nana Katase, Masahiko Tsugawa, Sakura Uehara and Itao Itsuji (and the voice of Shinsuke Itahata, aka Peter). Fans of cute idol Erika Toda should take note that the sly filmmakers must have had perverts like myself in mind when they created scenes in which she is tied up, in distress and even on the end of a long chain (all the while in great cosplay miniskirt outfits)! That alone made it a more fun watch for me. L: CHANGE THE WORLD (2007) was a totally rubbish spin-off.

DEATH OCCURRED LAST NIGHT (la morte risale ieri nera; das grauen kam aus dem nebel) (1970 ITL W.GER) D/W: DUCCIO TESSARI W: BIAGIO PROIETTI W/P: ARTHUR BRAUNER P: GIUSEPPE TORTORELLA Raf Vallone is a widower whose childlike, retarded yet tall, leggy, sexy and sexually flirtatious daughter (Gillian Bray of ENTER THE SEVEN VIRGINS (1974), who looks great topless) has gone missing. He asks Police Commissioner Frank Wolff to investigate. Gabriele Tinti is an assisting detective. Usually listed as a giallo, despite lacking the typical trappings and imagery, this is a good movie that should please fans of that genre. With a pretty cool score courtesy of Gianni Ferrio, and a fine black sense of humour. Based on a novel by Giorgio Scerbanenco.

DEATH OF A NINJA See: NINJA WARS

DEATH OF HONOUR See: GRAVEYARD OF HONOUR

DEATH POWDER (1986 JPN) D/W/P: SHIGUERU IZUMIYA Once popular musicians make pretentious movies in Japan as well. Star and former protest/ folk singer Izumiya’s “plot” has something to do with an android that emits a hallucinogenic powder that sends people to an alternate reality. This shot-on-video weirdness makes no sense and is mostly boring, but some of the visuals are excellent and it might make a good trip movie. With Koiichi Sato (billed as Takichi Inukai), Rikako Murakami, Kiyoshi Imawano (another real-life musician), Mari Natsuki and Tamiyo Kageyama. Yuichi Matsui provided the FX and Kazuo Komizu (ENTRAILS OF A VIRGIN) was the director of photography.

DEATH PRESS 3 (199? JPN) P: SEIZO MOTOYOSHI Mostly crime scene footage of mutilated dead bodies (not for those with weak stomachs) in this 60 mins mondo video. With a brief excursion to show drugs in Thailand and animal sacrifice in Nepal. It all seems to be from Asian countries. [Illus.]

DEATHQUAKE (earthquake 7.9; megaforce 7.9; jishin retto) (1980 JPN) D: KENJIRO OOMORI W: KANETO SHINDO P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA No one listens to Hiroshi Katsuno’s warnings about irregular volcanic activity until the shit hits the fan and a major earthquake reduces Tokyo to smithereens. That is after about an hour of ho-hum drama regarding Katsuno’s relationship with his estranged wife (Kayo Matsuo), and a love triangle with Yumi Takigawa (from SEIJU GAKUEN) and Toshiyuki Nagashima. When the destruction FX arrive, they are not half bad (I think some were lifted from SUBMERSION OF JAPAN and PROPHECIES OF NOSTRADAMUS), and are basically split between two major set pieces, a demolished high-rise (like THE TOWERING INFERNO) and a flooded subway tunnel (I suppose inspired by THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE). If disaster movies are your thing, it’s as entertaining as anything Irwin Allen made. With Hideji Ootaki, Eiji Okada, Shin Saburi, Tsutomu Yamazaki, Norihei Miki, Mizuho Suzuki, Sachiko Murase, Tatsuo Matsumura, Kei Sato, Yoshio Inaba and Kojiro Kusanagi. Prolific screenwriter Shindo is, of course, most famous for directing ONIBABA. I watched this just after the huge March 11, 2011, earthquake and tsunami hit Japan (my first major earthquake, it was pretty scary). At the time of writing there is a 70% chance that an equally massive quake will hit Tokyo in the next four years. And I’m wasting my time watching shitty movies!

DEATH RACE 2000 (1975 US) D: PAUL BARTEL W: ROBERT THOM/CHARLES B. GRIFFITH P: ROGER CORMAN In the future a cross-country car race is the most popular sporting event. David Carradine is Frankenstein, the unbeaten leather-clad champion who’s had most of his limbs and internal organs replaced. Sylvester Stallone and Mary Woronov are his main rivals. Points are gained by mowing down civilian pedestrians. A euthanasia clinic leaves wheelchair-bound cripples out on the road every year. A militant left-wing organisation try to sabotage the (televised) race. While Corman wanted a straight action flick, Bartel presented a satire. You can sometimes feel both parties struggling, but the finished product is nevertheless highly successful (in both areas) and entertaining. With Roberta Collins, Martin Kove, Louisa Moritz, Don Steele and bit-parts by John Landis and Bartel. Based on Ib Melchior’s neat little short story The Racer. DEATHSPORT was the follow up. Remade over 30 years later as a Jason Statham vehicle (and that was given a prequel, and sequel).

DEATH RAGE (anger in his eyes; blood reckoning; shadow of the killer; con la rabbia agli occhi ) (1976 ITL) D: “ANTHONY M. DAWSON” (ANTONIO MAR GHERITI) W: “GUY CASTILDO” (DON GAZZANIGA) P: “RAYMOND R. HOMER” (UMBERTO LENZI) The always-cool Yul Brynner had his final starring role in this, as a New York City hitman who goes to Naples to assassinate a gangster who had his brother killed. He also trains a young protégé and falls in love with Barbara Bouchet (as a stripper). Martin Balsam is a cop on his case. Nothing special, but trundles along at a watchable pace I suppose. With Sal Borgese and Giacomo Furia. This review refers to an 85 mins Japanese video version, but I’ve read that it has a 98 mins running time in some places.

DEATH ROW See: JUDGE AND JURY

DEATH ROW WOMAN (onna shikeishu no datsugoku) (1960 JPN) D: NOBUO NAKAGAWA W: YOSHIHIRO ISHIKAWA After a businessman is found dead in his home, his prime suspect stepdaughter is sent to death row. She breaks out (a quite exciting scene) to prove her innocence in this passable b/w programmer from a director known for his horror movies of the period (like GHOST STORY OF YOTSUYA).

DEATH RUN (blizzard; morderische abfahrt: skitour in den tod) (1999 GER) D/W: CURT M. FAUDON W: BRENDAN SOMERS P: RONALD MUHLFELLNER A woman helps a small group of men scour snowcovered mountains to find their missing friend. Someone kills them off one by one in this dull tv movie. With Thomas Heinze, Carin C. Tietze, Heio von Stetten and Francois-Eric Gendron.

DEATH RUN TO ISTANBUL (1993 US) D/W: RACHEL GORDON P: MARK HEADLEY A junky deeply in debt to the mob has to deliver some drugs from LA to Istanbul (we never leave the States, so the title’s pretty redundant). His ass-kicking kickboxer sister gets the bad guys. Everything about this cheap, amateurish shot-on-video attempt sucks. Some footage of an LA market was also in 1995’s FLIGHT TO DANGER.

DEATH’S ECSTACY See: THE BEAST (1975)

DEATH SENTENCE (2007 US) D: JAMES WAN W: IAN MacKENZIE JEFFERS P: ASHOK AMRITRAJ/ HOWARD BALDWIN/KAREN BALDWIN This is based on the novel that Brian Garfield wrote as a direct sequel to DEATH WISH (not very closely). Kevin Bacon wants payback after his eldest son is killed at a gas station in the bad part of town by gang-bangers (led by Garrett Hedlund). Somewhat predictable, but quite a fun watch, although Garfield may not have approved of the cartoonish, violent tone. A scene involving a long tracking shot in a multistorey parking garage is particularly impressive. With Kelly Preston as the wife and mother, John Goodman as an arms dealer, Leigh Whannell (who co-wrote the original SAW with Wan) and Matt O’Leary.

DEATH SHIP (1980 CAN UK) D: ALVIN RAKOFF W: JOHN ROBINS/JACK HILL/DAVID D. LEWIS P: DEREK GIBSON/HAROLD GREENBERG After a cruise ship is sunk by another that rams into it, the survivors find themselves floating on a raft. They eventually board the other ship which appears to be deserted. George Kennedy is a grumpy Captain who gets possessed by ghosts that control the ship, which turns out to have been a floating Nazi torture chamber! This is not a good film, but has a certain grotty atmosphere, a pile of rotten corpses, a blood shower, and is a must for the George Kennedy fan in your life. The other actors you will forget are Richard Crenna, Sally Ann Howes, Kate Reid, Nick Mancuso and Saul Rubinek. The ship comes right up to the screen towards you the viewer at the end.

DEATH SHOCK (1981 UK) D/W/P: “BILL WRIGHT” (FRANK THRING) Some oversexed couples and a lesbian are making their way through the English countryside to Norwich, when their rental car runs out of petrol. They find themselves guests of a generous-seeming man at “the Range”. After lots of (fairly explicit) sex (hetero, lesbian and group), the guy who owns the place turns out to be a breastfondling Devil-worshipper. His two minions are an inbred-seeming goon and a large-breasted horny bisexual maid with an “ooh-aargh” accent. The local Vicar (director Thring) is also in on it. This near-porno shot-on-video softcore romp with weak horror elements caps off its 47 mins running time with a pathetic “surprise” ending. I’d imagine that those who rented the video in the pre-Video Recordings Act UK (it’s since become unavailable) were simultaneously angry and delighted. Bad film, but good for a few hand-shandies in porn-starved Britain of the early 80s. It’s credited to Lindsay Honey (aka Steve Perry, and later Ben Dover in an extremely successful run of porno tapes), but he apparently only assisted Thring (also later a major mover in the jizz-bizz). Honey’s longtime partner and former porno icon Linzi Drew (the both of them did prison time together for distributing hardcore material in the UK) has a part. Thankfully the final computer generated title reading “Don’t miss DEATH SHOCK II. Coming soon” was just an idle threat.

DEATH SPA (witch bitch) (1987 US) D: MICHAEL FISCHA W: JAMES BARTRUFF/MITCH PARADISE P: JAMES BEARDSLEY-JONES Customers are dying at a computerized health spa. The main suspect is the guy who programmed the system that controls it, but one look at the alternative title tells you there’s something more supernatural at work. One weight-lifting machine gets so heavy that a guy’s ribs are snapped. It’s more elaborate than the same year’s AEROBI-CIDE, but no better. On rejecting a woman’s advances, one guy exclaims “I’m Beta, you’re VHS”. With Ken Foree, Brenda Bakke, Rosalind Cash, Shari Shattuck, Francis X. McCarthy and Tane McClure. Some versions omit gore, but it’s not that graphic to begin with.

DEATHSPORT (1978 US) D/W: “HENRY SUSO” (NICHOLAS NICIPHOR) D: ALAN ARKUSH D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: DONALD STEWART Troubled production follow up to DEATH RACE 2000 takes place in a post-nuke future where peaceful “range guides” and a more barbaric city tribe are at war (and there are unimpressive, barely seen mutant cannibals in the wasteland, too). Villain Richard Lynch captures horse-riding David Carradine and Claudia Jennings, tortures them (a naked Jennings is electrocuted), puts special silly-looking helmets on their heads and makes them duel with soldiers on “death machines” (customised motorbikes with laser guns) for an audience that is never seen (minimal cast). The chase scenes and stunts are well done, but not very exciting. My favourite part was the climactic duel between Carradine and Lynch with glass swords, while a strange synth soundtrack plays. With Jesse Vint, Brenda Venus and Linnea Quigley. Jennings died not long after in a car crash.

DEATHSTALKER (el cazador de la muerte) (1983 US ARG) D: JOHN WATSON W: HOWARD R. COHEN P: JAMES SBARDELLATI Richard Hill is the reluctant muscle-bound hero Deathstalker, who must rescue Princess Barbi Benton (who has welcome topless scenes) from an evil tyrant and his boar-faced henchman. Tournament scenes provide bloody action (I like the guy with the big mallet best). Fast-paced and sleazy sword’n’sandal fantasy from executive producer Roger Corman’s New World was filmed in Argentina and provides just the right elements to make for fun, mindless entertainment. With Victor Bo, Lana Clarkson and Boy Olmi.

DEATHSTALKER 2: DUEL OF THE TITANS (1987 US ARG) D/W: JIM WYNORSKI W: NEIL RUTTENBERG P: FRANK K. ISAAC Wynorski deliberately made this sequel a bad, over-the-top, silly and laughable spoof, but that doesn’t make it all right. Director John Terlesky is Deathstalker this time. With Monique Gabrielle, John LaZar, Maria Socas and Wynorski. Roger Corman was the executive producer.

DEATHSTALKER 3: THE WARRIORS FROM HELL (deathstalker and the warriors from hell) (1988 US ARG) D/P: ALFONSO CORONA W: HOWARD R. COHEN P: ANTONIO DE NORIEGA John Allen Nelson is the (awful) Deathstalker in this terrible entry. With Miguel Angel Fuentes and no redeeming features. Roger Corman was the executive producer. Richard Hill returned for the fourth and final part.

DEATH: THE ULTIMATE HORROR This (mid-90s) videotape (and now dvd) release is material culled from many earlier mondo and death footage releases. I suppose it’s good for those searching for a greatest hits of grisly footage, but others who have already seen a few of the more notorious collections will not find anything new here. It begins with the execution that ends the EXECUTIONS documentary and ends with R. Budd Dwyer shooting himself.

DEATH: THE ULTIMATE MYSTERY (1975 US) D/W/P: ROBERT EMENGGER/ALLAN SADLER D/P: HANS BEIMLER Pretty boring documentary (narrated by Cameron Mitchell!) that features a never-clearly seen man (the filmmakers want you to think it’s Mitchell) obsessed with death and after-life experiences. We go to Mexico to see the mummies of Guanajuato and to India to talk to a mystic and Egypt for a tour of a tomb etc. Americans are also interviewed about their spiritual experiences. Weird, unnecessary scenes include “Cameron” POV shots as he gets his ticket to board a plane and talks to his female psychologist friend (“hang on a dang minute!”). One of the “Gamma Chronicles” from the Sunn Classics company. Like the others, this is all talk and doesn’t include any death footage, but still influenced the infamous FACES OF DEATH.

DEATH TO SMOOCHY (totet smoochey) (2002 US UK GER) D: DANNY DeVITO W: ADAM RESNICK P: ANDREW LAZAR/PETER MacGREGOR SCOTT When kids show presenter Rainbow Randolph (Robin Williams) is nabbed by the feds for taking pay-offs from parents who want their kids on-screen, he’s finished and tv executive Catherine Keener gives the job to squeaky clean do-gooder Smoochy (Edward Norton, who dresses like a rhino). Norton seems to be incorruptible, but his agent (DeVito) and the network want him to push the usual junk food and merchandising against his ethical wishes. This failed attempt at a black comedy (written by the guy who directed CABIN BOY (1994)) tries for a SHAKES THE CLOWN-esque look at the dark side behind children’s entertainers, but is either too half-hearted to fully dump the Hollywood baggage, or cripplingly self-aware and ironic. Either way it ain’t much fun. With Michael Rispoli as the punch-drunk boxer son of Italian hoodlum Pam Ferris, Harvey Fierstein as a corporate villain, Vincent Schiavelli as a junky hitman, Craig Eldridge, Bruce McFee, Bill Lake, Tracey Walter, Martin Klebba (and lots of other dwarfs), Phillip Jarrett, Dan Duran, Michael Copeman, Peter Kelghan, Robert Prosky, Gerry Quigley and Cara Wakelin.

DEATH TRAIN See: BEYOND THE DOOR 3

DEATH TRAP (1976) See: EATEN ALIVE (1976)

DEATHTRAP (1982 US) D: SIDNEY LUMET W: JAY PRESSON ALLEN P: BURTT HARRIS Michael Caine is a once-promising playwright whose career is going down the tubes. Christopher Reeve is a young admirer who’s written his own great manuscript. Caine murders Reeve and claims the script as his own but there are a few more twists to go yet in this slick, well made black comedy thriller that suffers from overconvolution and an annoying smart-arse conclusion. Based on Ira Levin’s play. With Dyan Cannon, Stewart Klein, Jeffrey Lyons and Joel Siegel.

DEATH VALLEY ’69 See: HARDCORE: DEATH TRIP FILMS OF RICHARD KERN

DEATH VENGEANCE (fighting back) (1982 US) D: LEWIS TEAGUE W: DAVID ZELAG GOODMAN/ THOMAS HEDLEY JR. Tom Skerritt is a store owner in Philadelphia who persuades the residents to fight back against drug-dealers and crooks, vigilante-style. Boring movie has more to do with politics and drama than action. With Yaphet Kotto, David Rasche, Peter Brocco, Earle Hyman and Tony Devon.

DEATH WALKS AT MIDNIGHT (la morte accarezza mezzanotte; la muerte acaricia a medianoche) (1972 ITL SPN) D/P: LUCIANO ERCOLI W: ERNESTO GASTALDI/ROBERTO LEONI/MANAHEN VELASCO/ MANUEL VELASCO/SERGIO CORBUCCI P: ALBERTO PUGLIESE A model (Nieves Navarro aka Susan Scott) is tricked into giving an interview (complete with photo session) while high on a new hallucinogen called HDS. During her trip she has a vision of a man murdering a woman by punching her in the face with a spiked metal glove! It’s a shame that the rest of this passable but merely ok giallo didn’t show such ghoulish invention. With Simon Andreu, Ivano Staccioli, Luciano Rossi and Alessandro Perrella. Ercoli’s previous gialli were FORBIDDEN PHOTOS OF A LADY ABOVE SUSPICION (1970) and DEATH WALKS ON HIGH HEELS (1971).

DEATH WARRANT (blue jean cop) (1990 CAN US) D: DERAN SARAFIAN W: DAVID S. GOYER P: MARK DiSALLE Jean-Claude Van Damme is an undercover Canadian cop in an LA prison who discovers a black-market in reluctantly donated organs run by the guards. Van Damme has a kick-boxing match against big Patrick Kilpatrick. No better and no worse than your usual Van Damme vehicle, I wouldn’t waste your time. With Robert Guillaume, Cynthia Gibb, Art La Fleur, Joshua Miller, Armin Shimerman, Thomas Rosales Jr. and Larry Hankin.

DEATH WARRIOR (olum savascisi) (1984 TUR) D/W: CETIN INANC D/W/P: CUNEYT ARKIN Turkish superstar Arkin stars in this very cheap, shoddily put-together, nonsensical and crazed action movie, that’s a lot of fun to watch and sometimes impressive in its kinetic vitality. He’s a Turkish cop who travels to New York (which looks just like Istanbul) to defeat a bunch of ninjas offing people left and right. When they fight the soundtrack is obviously dubbed from a kung fu film. Another fight between Arkin and a ninja (with curved swords) has the loudest “chiiing!” noises (and acrobatics obviously aided by trampoline; in fact you can just about see one!). The police sirens are all really loud, too! These ninjas can also levitate stuff, are impervious to bullets, and control vegetation to attack people at a pool party. They don’t seem impervious to Arkin, though, when he fights them with (obviously speeded-up) martial arts, or engages in a motorcycle chase. At one point a woman turns into a killer (toy) frog, but is later found ok in the cupboard (what!?!!). A monster with a melted stone-look face and funny clawed hands is seen briefly a couple of times, but he doesn’t have anything to do with the story. Wait until you see the editing techniques utilised to make Arkin fire a bow and arrow multiple times really quickly, and the insane final duel against a burning mannequin yanked on a wire! Bad movie gold!! It’s 73 mins long, with lots of stock footage. With Huseyin Peyda and Ohran Gunsiray. I think it’s the sequel to SON SAVASCI (1982) (with which it shares some footage).

DEATH WARRIORS See: THE EXTERMINATORS OF THE YEAR 3000: THE MAD RIDER

DEATH WATER (mizuchi) (2006 JPN) D/W: KIYOSHI YAMAMOTO P: HIROYUKI TANAHASHI/NORIYASU UEKI/MEGMI YOSHIDA/TAKAFUMI OHASHI Various characters (mostly schoolgirls) develop an extreme thirst, and suffer from blackouts and hallucinations before fatally stabbing themselves in the eyes. After Prof. Yurei Yanagi kills himself, a former student (Haruka Igawa) investigates. This boring, badly written and badly acted horror movie spends too much of its running time establishing the fact that the cause is cursed water from an underground spring, which we’ve known from the opening credits! It’s based on a novel by Hirofumi Tanaka. With Atsuro Watabe, Nanase Hoshii, Shin Yazawa, Denden and bikini idol Mami Yamazaki (in a bald cap).

DEATH WEEKEND (the house by the lake) (1976 US) D/W: WILLIAM FRUET P: IVAN REITMAN Brenda Vaccaro is a model who ends up at a rich womaniser’s remote country house. She finds out he’s a creep and a voyeur and then some thugs (led by Don Stroud) that they run off the road turn up to rape and terrorise. Revenge is inevitable in this mediocre feminist/class war flick. See I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE and THE HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK instead.

THE DEATH WHEELERS See: PSYCHOMANIA

DEATH WINDS See: SKIPPER BLOODY ATLANTIC

DEATH WISH (1974 US) D: MICHAEL WINNER W: WENDELL MAYES P: HAL LANDERS/BOBBY ROBERTS Charles Bronson is a liberal businessman/ architect who turns into a gunslinging vigilante on the streets of NYC after his wife is killed and daughter is raped into a catatonic state (Jeff Goldblum leads the gang of rapists). This hit revenge movie is based on Brian Garfield’s novel, but has a different point-of-view. Quality exploitation. With Vincent Gardenia, Hope Lange, Christopher Guest, Olympia Dukakis, Kathleen Quinlan, Hank Garrett, Stuart Margolin, Stephen Elliott, Jack Wallace and John Herzfeld.

DEATH WISH II (los angeles) (1982 US) D: MICHAEL WINNER W: MICHAEL EDMONDS P: YORAM GLOBUS/ MENAHEM GOLAN Bronson returns to kill street gangs in LA after his daughter (still a mental vegetable after the first movie) is raped and impaled on an iron fence (the maid is also raped). Critics despised this sequel (from Cannon) claiming it was more exploitative than the original, which isn’t strictly true. My main problem with it is that it’s just not as exciting or watchable (in fact it could have done with a bit more exploitation). With Jill Ireland, Vincent Gardenia, Anthony Franciosca, Robert Collins, Laurnece Fishburne, Henry Yougman and a soundtrack from Jimmy Page.

DEATH WISH 3 (super magnum) (1985 US) D: MICHAEL WINNER W: MICHAEL EDMONDS P: MENHAEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS In this ridiculous yet entertaining sequel (the last in the series directed by co-producer Winner), Bronson defends an NYC tenement building from a vicious, unrelenting street gang (led by Gavan O’Herlihy, Dan O’Herlihy’s son). The crimeridden borough becomes a war zone in the finale as Bronson cleans the streets of scum with a big machine-gun (he even uses a missile launcher)! Converted vigilante residents join in with their handguns! Fun trash it is, but a shame that the MPAA enforced cuts for an R rating. With Martin Balsam, Ed Lauter, Alex Winter (his feature debut) and future STAR TREK: TNG crew member Marina Sirtis (briefly topless during a rape scene). Parts of this Cannon release were shot in London.

DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN (1987 US) D: J. LEE THOMPSON W: GAIL MORGAN HICKMAN P: PANCHO KOHNER Begins with a good, nightmarish stalk’n’rape scene, but the rest of this reactionary Cannon release is mostly uneventful. Bronson is back in LA starting a gang war between rival drugdealers after his new girlfriend Kay Lenz’s daughter ODs. John P. Ryan is a tycoon who backs him and supplies him with weapons. Soon Teck Oh is a corrupt cop. With Danny Trejo, Irwin Keyes, Mark Pellegrino and Mitch Pileggi.

DEATH WISH V: THE FACE OF DEATH (1993 US) D/W: ALLAN A. GOLDSTEIN W: MICHAEL COLLEARY P: DAMIEN LEE Back in Manhattan (actually Toronto) and Bronson goes after fashion world mobster Michael Parks (the most entertaining thing about this awful entry) after he has Bronson’s girlfriend (and his ex-wife) Lesley-Anne Down disfigured and killed. With Robert Joy, Saul Rubinek, Chuck Shamata, Miguel Sandoval, Kenneth Welsh, Tony Meyler and Goldtsein. Cannon had crumbled by this time, so this was made for Menahem Golan’s 21st Century.

DEATH WISH CLUB (carnival of fools) (1983 US) D: JOHN CARR W: PHILIP YORDAN P: EDMUND J. BODINE JR. A wealthy eccentric picks up a young woman selling popcorn at the carnival and she ends up in some porno flicks. A college student (an actor far too old to be called “young man” throughout) sees her at a stag party so seeks her out in real-life. He becomes involved with her and a small club in which members put themselves in deadly situations. One involves a flying killer beetle (this segment had animation added to it as part of NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR), another has electric chairs and finally a wreckers ball is rotated while a “scientifically sharpened” (!) blade cuts through the rope. Meanwhile the girl almost dies and comes out of a coma believing herself to be a man, a pianist called Charlie White. She acts manly by adopting the clothes, mannerisms and speech of an old-fashioned wiseguy gangster! The old man/student loves her/him so much, and eventually stops a wedding to a guy in drag to show his love! He also uses bad kung fu and is caught in a net (!) by bad guys. A running joke is an old couple next door listening in on his bedroom activities. This crazed, laughable obscurity is worth checking out for fans of “bad” cinema. Yordan has been writing (saner) screenplays for years.

DEBBIE DOES DALLAS (1978 US) D/P: JIM CLARK W: MARIA MINESTRA Bambi Woods is a smalltown cheerleader who needs to raise the money to go to the Dallas Major League try-outs. She and her friends raise extra cash by getting part time jobs, where the male staff can’t keep their hands off. Not that great a vintage porno, but included here simply because it’s the other household name hit X feature after DEEP THROAT. The cute, innocent-seeming Woods doesn’t get banged until the final scene, by Richard Balla (aka R. Bolla aka Robert Kerman). Bolla/ Kerman was the pipe-smoking star of CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST the following year. With Eric Edwards and Herschel Savage and lines like “Oh, Mr. Hardwick, what can I ever do to repay you?”. That really is a school library that blowjob is taking place in by the way, same goes for the shower room orgy. Two official sequels followed.

THE DECAMERON (il decameron) (1970 ITL) D/W: PIER PAOLO PASOLINI P: ALBERTO GRIMALDI First in Pasolini’s trilogy of sex-driven multicharacter dramas based on important works of literature. This one is taken from Giovanni Boccacio’s Il Decameron and features many horny nuns and randy villagers. Pasolini also acts alongside some great, peculiarfaced hand-picked non-actors. Very slow-moving and sparing on the sauce, it was left to low-budget exploitation filmmakers inspired by this (and the follow up THE CANTERBURY TALES) to provide dozens of less pretentious and snappier period sex comedies.

DECEIVED (1991 US) D: DAMIAN HARRIS W: MARY AGNES DONOGHUE/“DEREK SANDERS” (BRUCE JOEL RUBIN) P: MICHAEL FINNELL/WENDY DOZORETZ/ ELLEN COLLETT Goldie Hawn discovers her husband (the well cast John Heard) is not who he says he is in this slick, well made fear-of-relationships thriller. Nothing special, but Hawn and Heard are good and if you caught it on tv you’d probably watch it all the way to the end. With Tom Irwin, Jan Rubes, Ashley Peldon, Beatrice Straight, Stanley Anderson and Michael Copeman.

DECEIVER See: LIAR

DECISION FOR DOOM See: DR. BLACK, MR. HYDE

THE DECISIVE BATTLE (jing zhang bao guo) (1971 TAI) D/W: I. WEN P: CHEUNG TIU-YIN A marionette golden bird attacking a red dragon symbolises the birth of Yue Fei (during a flood), a real 12th century Chinese General who defended the Southern Song Dynasty from the invading Northern Jin Dynasty (and became a somewhat mythical folk hero). At first we see Yue as a scholarly but poor child not afraid of a scrap (he fights a smoke-breathing rubber snake at one point!). He excels at archery, goes to military school, gets married and receives the infamous patriotic tattoo on his back (from his mother, Kung Chiu-Hsia). Tien Peng plays him as a young man. A slight curiosity for those with an interest in Eastern history/mythology, but a fairly bland melodrama with almost zero action (ignore the title, martial arts fans). With Chen Hung-Lieh, Cho Kin, Yim Chung O Yau-Man and Li Su. The final film from a prolific director (he directed Grace Chang in 1957’s MAMBO GIRL). In 1962’s BIRTH OF YUE FEI, 10-year-old Sammo Hung played the childhood Yue.

THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION (1981 US) D/W/P: PENELOPE SPHEERIS This excellent documentary look at the early 80s LA punk scene is evidence of how a collection of the most insipid, vacuous and hateful people imaginable can somehow be labelled as a movement. The majority of the music is awful (especially now) and the people involved range from dangerously aggressive and homophobic (Lee Ving of Fear, even if he is being deliberately provocative) to pretentious and irritating (Kickboy Face from Catholic Discipline). Darby Crash (of The Germs) cooks, Black Flag (pre-Henry Rollins) live in a church and The Circle Jerks and X (with John Doe, now an actor) come off the best musically.

THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION PART 2: THE METAL YEARS (1988 US) D: PENELOPE SPHEERIS P: JONATHAN DAYTON/VALERIE VARIS Not a good doc if you’re actually looking for a wide spectrum of different metal styles and some historical background to their inception, but a perfect follow up to the original in terms of capturing a time and attitude that becomes more and more difficult to relate to as the years go by. Ozzy Osbourne and Lemmy from Motörhead are the rare exceptions of level-headed interviewees amid a sea of morons, sluts, big-heads and the terminally wasted (check out the guy from W.A.S.P. getting drunk in a pool). Also in contrast to the decadent sex and drug orgy stories, we hear from a woman who supports an anti-metal/Satanist organisation, while a female drummer exclaims her belief in “sex, drums and rock’n’roll” (which must be the worst pun I’ve ever been subjected to). Not to mention all the insufferable hairdos. With Alice Cooper, Kiss, Poison, Megadeth, Aerosmith and Faster Pussycat. Fascinating enough for someone who remembers it all, I can only imagine the appeal for future generations who’ve never seen a V-shaped guitar or superperms. THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION 3 (1998) had Spheeris returning to the LA sites of the original to look at today’s street punks.

DECOY (1946 US) D/P: JACK BERNHARD W: NED YOUNG/STANLEY RUBIN P: BERNARD BRANDT This rare b/w Monogram release turns out to be up there with Edgar G. Ulmer’s DETOUR as a pure noir classic driven by an implausible, contrived plot, and a real cold femme fatale villainess. It opens with a beaten and bloody man hitching a ride into the city, going up to an apartment and shooting a woman (Brit Jean Gillie, who doesn’t seem to have had much of a career either side of the Atlantic, but she’s pretty good here). The dying Gillie tells the story (which we see in flashback) to grim detective Sheldon Leonard (the other acting highlight). It involves reviving an executed convict (Robert Armstrong) after death (!) to get his hidden stash of dough. The final line of dialogue is priceless. Herbert Rudley and Edward Norris costar, with Philip Van Zandt, Bert Roach, Dick Elliott, Pat Flaherty, Jody Gilbert, Chuck Hamilton, Donald Kerr, Louis Mason, William Ruhl, Ferris Taylor, Ray Teal and Harry Tyler. L.W. O’Connell was the cinematographer.

DECOY (1995 CAN US) D: VITTORIO (VICTOR) RAMBALDI W: ROBERT SARNO P: GARY KAUFMAN/ANTONIO CORTESE Wealthy Peter Breck hires Robert Patrick and Peter Weller (who meditates and uses a samurai sword) to look after his spoilt, whining teen daughter, who business rivals want to kidnap so they can obtain a revolutionary new microchip from Breck as ransom. Charlotte Lewis and Vladimir Kulich are the professionals hired for the kidnapping. Plot twists are signposted by the ill-advised title. Watchable, better than average action movie was the second film directed by the son of FX veteran (and executive producer) Carlo Rambaldi (his first was PRIMAL RAGE). The screenwriter’s previous screen credit was writing HOWLING 2. Filmed in Canada.

DECOY FOR TERROR See: PLAYGIRL KILLER

DECOYS (2003 CAN) D/W: MATTHEW HASTINGS W: TOM BERRY P: FRANCO BATTISTA A college freshman (Corey Sevier) in a cold snowbound student town becomes aware that the two new sexy blonde pre-med transfer student cockteasers (Stefanie von Pfetten and Kim Poirier) are in fact aliens in disguise with tentacles that emerge to freeze-kill their sex partners. Megham Ory is the pretty-but-ignored best friend who believes him, and Nicole Eggert is a cop ex with an arsehole partner who thinks Sevier is responsible for the campus deaths. It’s a stupid tongue in cheek sci-fi horror with no decent laughs, scares or shocks. With Enis Esmer, Don Hastings and talk of a “Cronenberg festival”.

THE DEEP (1977 US) D: PETER YATES W: PETER BENCHLEY/TRACY KEENAN WYNN P: PETER GUBER The director of BULLITT brings us a dull Benchley adaption after the success of JAWS two years earlier. Robert Shaw helps Nick Nolte and Jacqueline Bissett locate a sunken Spanish treasure in Bermuda. Louis Gossett Jr. is an evil rival and there’s a big, killer moray eel. It’s not a horror film, though. With Eli Wallach, Robert Tessier, Dick Anthony Williams, Bob Minor and Benchely (who adapted his own novel along with Keenan Wynn’s son).

DEEP BLUE SEA (1999 US) D: RENNY HARLIN W: DUNCAN KENNEDY/DONNA & WAYNE POWERS P: AKIVA GOLDSMAN/TONY LUDWIG/ALAN RICHE Samuel L. Jackson is an investor from a large pharmaceutical company who travels to Saffron Burrows’ research laboratory in the middle of the ocean. Experiments that increase sharks’ brain mass yield a cure for alzheimers. These “smart” sharks attack and flood the large facility during a storm (and even bring down a helicopter in flight). Thomas Jane and comic relief L.L. Cool J are the heroes in this not very good mix of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE and JAWS. But still, it was a hit for Warners. Jeffrey A. Okun supervised the FX. With Michel Rapaport, Ronny Cox, Stellan Skarsgård, Aida Turturro and Harlin.

DEEP CORE (2000 US) D: RODNEY MacDONALD W: MARTIN LAZARUS W/P: PHILLIP ROTH P: KENNETH OLANDT/JEFFREY BEACH A big explosion causes disruptions in the tectonic plates that could cause world-wide disaster in this Earthbound ARMAGEDDON copy. Craig Sheffer heads a team of honest-Joe’s in an underground digging machine (copied from UNKNOWN WORLD). There are also shades of BATTLE BENEATH THE EARTH in this awful, dumb sci-fi cheapie with computer game-look FX. With Wil Wheaton, Bruce McGill, James Russo, Terry Farrell, James Lew, Ron Yuan and Marc McClure.

THE DEEP END (2001 US) D/W/P: SCOTT McGEHEE/ DAVID SIEGEL Concerned mother Tilda Swinton takes care of the body after her teen son (Jonathan Tucker) accidentally kills his gay, overbearing lover (Josh Lucas). She dumps the body in Lake Tahoe and tries to get rid of the evidence but keeps getting deeper and deeper in trouble. Goran Visnjic blackmails her on behalf of Raymond J. Barry, but turns out to be a nice guy. Based on the novel The Blank Wall by Elisabeth Sanxay Holding (as was the 40s film noir THE RECKLESS MOMENT), this begins suspenseful and interesting, but it soon becomes clear that the pretentious filmmakers (who also made SUTURE) are more concerned with trying to impress some deep meaning on events rather than concentrating on the exciting stuff. With Tamara Hope and Holmes Osborne. McGehee and Siegel appear as ambulance attendants.

DEEP FEAR (das biest in bodensee) (1998 GER) D: RICHARD HUBER W: MATHIAS DINTER P: MICHAEL HELFRICH/VEITH VON FURSTENBERG A DNA experiment lizard monster escapes from a lab and hangs around in the water to munch people in this really boring horor movie. You don’t see much of the creature. With Barbara Rudnik, Stefan Reck and Peter Ruhring.

DEEP FREEZE (2002 US) D/P: JOHN CARL BUECHLER W: ROBERT BORIS/DENNIS A. PRATT/ MATTHEW JOHN WALSH Student interns are sent on a training course at a remote oil-drilling facility in Antarctica. It turns out that scientists using ecologically unsound explosives have uncovered a couple of parasites (“like a cross between a worm and a mosquito”). They look more like big cockroaches than anything else. One predictably bursts out of a (topless blonde’s) chest, but the rest of the minimal FX are below par. Much is made of the main student hero’s southern accent (his theme tune seems to be slide guitar). Other characters are bickering blue-collar diggers. A giant parasite turns up for the underwhelming climax. Stupid and boring. With Allen Lee Haff.

THE DEEP HAZARD See: MEMORIAL DAY

DEEP IMPACT (1998 US) D: MIMI LEDER W: BRUCE JOEL RUBIN/MICHAEL TOLKIN P: DAVID BROWN/ RICHARD D. ZANUCK A huge meteor heads for Earth. Tea Leoni stars as a reporter who breaks the story. Morgan Freeman is the President. Robert Duvall and Eric Koteas costar. This disaster movie concentrates more on human drama than sci-fi, action or destruction so is pretty dull for such a major release. I guess it’s better than ARMAGEDDON though. With Elijah Wood, Vanessa Redgrave, Maximilian Schell, James Cromwell, Ron Eldard, Jon Favreau, Richard Schiff, Mary McCormack, Leelee Sobieski, Blair Underwood, Dougray Scott, Bruce Weitz, Denise Crosby, Aleksandr Baluyev, Derek de Lint, Francis X. McCarthy, Kurtwood Smith, Mike O’Malley, Phil Hawn and Charles Martin Smith. The director is the daughter of Paul (I DISMEMBER MAMA) Leder.

DEEP INSIDE ANNIE SPRINKLE See: INSIDE ANNIE SPRINKLE

DEEP RED (the hatchet murders; suspiria, part 2; profondo rosso) (1975 ITL) D/W: DARIO ARGENTO W: BERNARDINO ZAPPONI P: SALVATORE ARGENTO I’m not a fan of Argento, but this stylish and intriguing giallo mystery is one of his better attempts. David Hemmings witnesses a murder and red herrings abound as he tries to figure it all out while being stalked by the killer himself. Great soundtrack by Argento and Goblin helps, and the vicious violence is a little less distancing than usual. Some cool surreal touches, too. With Dario Nicolodi, Macha Meril, Vittorio Fanfoni, Furio Meniconi, Lorenzo Piani, Salvatore Baccaro, Attilio Dottesio and Tom Felleghy.

DEEP RISING (the greed) (1997 CAN) D/W: STEPHEN SOMMERS P: JOHN BALDECCHI/MARIO ISCOVICH/ LAURENCE MARK A squid-like monster devours characters on a broken-down luxury cruise ship in the South China Seas. Treat Williams stars. Nothing special, but works as a dumb monster movie, with nice gore FX courtesy of Rob Bottin. With Famke Janssen, Anthony Heald, Kevin J. O’Connor, Wes Studi, Jason Flemyng, Djimon Hounsou, Clifton Powell, Cliff Curtis and a fun ending. It’s better than several similar “creature features” from around the same time (i.e. PROTEUS, VIRUS) that revived a very 80s subgenre (DEEP STAR SIX, LEVIATHAN, THE RIFT etc.).

DEEP RISING (2000) See: SHARK ATTACK 2

DEEP RISING CONQUEST See: SHARK ATTACK 3

DEEP ROOTS MUSIC (1982 UK) D/P: HOWARD JOHNSON This six-part C4 documentary look at Jamaican music is probably the best attempt at covering the topic to date. Each episode is just over 50 mins long, and narrated by Mikey Dread. Part one (“Revival”) begins with an informative historical overview of how African slaves were brought to Jamaica, and how influences from Rastafarians, Europe, religion and revival meetings shaped and mutated the local music and dance culture. A very informative, cheerful female interviewee highlights historical connections that can be directly linked to the pop culture of today. Also includes a great, relaxed interview with members of The Skatalites (who jam outdoors), and an overview of the birth of ska. Check out the b/w footage of a very cool 16-year-old Jimmy Cliff rocking a dancehall (“I am King”), with ace dancing from the audience. Part two (“Ranking Sounds”): Rocksteady and toasting. Dubplates for sound systems. Count Machouki is interviewed, bickers with his “sidekick” about Minnie Smalls’ My Boy Lollipop and is upstaged at a party by faster rapping youngsters. Also interviewed are Tommy McCook (who plays his sax) and Duke Reid’s widow (great b/w footage of the man). Part three (“The Bunny Lee Story”): After establishing the influence of Nat King Cole on Jamaican musicians of the 50s and 60s, we have a good long interview with producer Bunny Lee and his entourage (including Prince Jazzbo, Delroy Wilson and Jackie Edwards). Lee also hangs out at King Tubby’s studio, and we see several great rehearsals. Fascinating b/w footage of an old fiddle quartet illustrates international musical influences. Part four (“Black Ark”): Almost a complete episode with the fabulously mad Lee “Scratch” Perry, smoking from an awesome bong with Rastas, and laying down some vocals at his legendary studio. Also looks at Marcus Garvey, and some oddly tacked on footage of The Diamonds (in a studio), and another (unidentified) band playing live. Part five (“Money In My Pocket”): An unfocused episode with lots of filler. Interviews with Marcia Griffith (also seen performing live); producer Sonia Pottinger; Harry J. in his studio; a former PM; and a very stoned Dennis Brown (seen performing in a studio). Politics are discussed and there is a glimpse of Bob Marley performing at a 1978 peace concert in Kingston. But best by far is the priceless footage of a kid named Robert Wilson laying down his deejay (or MC for the rest of the world) skills over backing tracks, live on the Kids Colgate Cavity Fighters Club radio show! Part six (“Ghetto Riddims”) is a change of pace. Rastafaris discuss their connection with reggae music. Charlie Ace’s record van is seen driving around Kingston blasting out tunes. Wannabe session musicians queue up outside Channel 1 Studio, and (some very talented) musicians line-up to audition for Jack Ruby (in the street). Ruby explains a little bit about how music and politics interact in Jamaica. In some ways the most sober and illuminating episode (if not the most fun to watch). If you really crave reggae education, get a copy of Steve Barrow and Peter Dalton’s indispensable book The Rough Guide To Reggae.

DEEP SHOCK (2002 US) D/W/P: “PAUL JOSHUA RUBIN” (PHILLIP J. ROTH) W: JEFF RANK/BRIAN MAMMETT P: JEFFERY BEACH More unwatchable junk from Roth. This time boring computeranimated giant electric eels menace a sub at the North Pole. David Keith and Simmone Mackinnon star. The government wants to nuke the area. With Sean Whalen, Tyrone Pinkham and Velizar Binev.

DEEPSTAR SIX (the depth) (1988 US) D/P: SEAN S. CUNNINGHAM W: LEWIS ABERNATHY/GEOFF MILLER P: PATRICK MARKEY The crew of a deep sea submarine working for national defence blow open a cavern to install some missiles and end up unleashing a barely seen crab monster (old-fashioned Chris Walas and Mark Shostrom FX). Slow going. Greg Evigan stars, with Nia Peeples, Miguel Ferrer (who decompresses to death), Cindy Pickett and Matt McCoy. Some knowledgeable viewers will note laughable scientific inaccuracies. It joins LEVIATHAN, LORDS OF THE DEEP and THE RIFT as low budget ABYSS rip-offs.

DEEP THROAT (1972 US) D/W: “JERRY GERRARD” (GERARD DAMIANO) P: LOU PERRY By far the most famous (and if accounts of its grosses are correct, the most successful) porno ever made, this was the first XXX to receive mainstream success and was most people’s first encounter with real sex on film. Chuck Traynor had taught his wife (and “act”, he being her manager) Linda Lovelace to take his whole erect member into her mouth and to the back of her throat without gagging. Former hairdresser Damiano (who had already made some sex-ed porno documentaries) provided a vehicle for her talents. Originally to be titled The Sword Swallower or The Doctor Makes A House Call, the more up-front title was decided on and a legend was born. Lovelace is a sexually frustrated woman who is unable to reach orgasm. She goes to a doctor (Harry Reems) who discovers that her clitoris is located at the back of her throat. He prescribes “deep throat” and she finally gets fireworks. Reems employs her as his nurse who fellates the patients. When DEEP THROAT opened, it was an incredible success. People queued around the block, famous celebrities openly admired it and “porno chic” was the in-thing. Looking at it now, it’s hard to tell exactly why it was so popular. It’s not particularly good porn, is very badly acted and has that awful theme tune. But it is fun. It has a loose, infectious energy that makes it easy to watch without even thinking about masturbating. Lovelace would also star in the notorious, if far less known shorts DOGFUCK and PISS ORGY, and write books detailing how she was abused and beaten by Traynor, who allegedly made her do these things against her will. She returned in Joe Sarno’s softcore DEEP THROAT 2 (not to be confused with a later hardcore DEEP THROAT 2). Damiano (who appears in the film) also made the twisted classic THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES. That, and BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR, were other 1972 porno hits.

DEEP THRUST See: LADY WHIRLWIND

DEEP WATER See: INTREPID

DEF BY TEMPTATAION (1990 US) D/W/P: JAMES BOND III Director Bond is a southern (religious) country boy who visits older brother Kadeem Hardison in New York City. Cynthia Bond is a succubus who gets her claws into both of them. Bill Nunn is an undercover agent who knows what’s going on and Samuel L. Jackson has a prestardom small role. This comedy/drama horror isn’t scary or suspenseful but scores highly with its insightful observation on the differences between country and city types. That said, it’s recommended to genre fans as well. With Ellis Williams. Troma released it.

THE DEFENDER (1994) See: THE BODYGUARD FROM BEIJING

DEFENDER (2000) See: GUARDIAN

DEFENDOR (2009 CAN US UK) D/W: PETER STEBBINGS P: NICHOLAS TABBAROK Woody Harrelson is perfectly cast as a childlike nobody in a crimeridden city who dresses up as the titular “superhero”, fighting crime with his home-made weapons and video camera helmet. He helps crackwhore Kat Dennings get away from corrupt cop Elias Koteas, and searches for arch-villain “Captain Industry”. Stebbings (a character actor who appears here) walks the fine line between realism and sentimentality expertly, delivering a moving and funny tragicomedy that’s been unfairly overlooked in the wake of KICK-ASS. With Michael Kelly and Sandra Oh. Shot in Ontario. I also recommend the very funny SUPER (2010).

THE DEFILERS (1965 US) D: R. LEE FROST D/W/P: DAVID F. FRIEDMAN (uncredited) This was the first picture Friedman made (in LA) after his Herschell Gordon Lewis pictures, and is a “roughie” extension of what they kicked off with SCUM OF THE EARTH in 63 (that is, darker than nudie-cutie story lines involving rape and abduction, deliberately shot in b/w to make it seem more “forbidden” like an old stag movie). Future director Byron Mabe (SHE FREAK) and another guy are out for “kicks”, tired of their lazy playboy lifestyle of picking up broads. They decide on kidnapping, and confine a young model/ actress wannabe new in town in a basement, to use for sex and slapping around whenever they want. It takes a while for them to decide to get into the rough stuff, and, of course, it doesn’t go as far as later, more graphic movies, but this is a solid, stark, downbeat exploitation flick, a 69 mins landmark of sorts that fans of Something Weird Video’s output should check out.

THE DEGENERATE See: THE ULTIMATE DEGENERATE

THE DEGRADATION OF EMANUELLE (confessions of emanuelle; emanuelle around the world; emanuelle: perche violenza alle donne?) (1977 ITL) D: “JOE D’AMATO” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) W: MARIA PIA FUSCO/GIANCARLO CLERICI P: FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS Laura Gemser returns as Emanuelle, “the most famous photographer in America”. While in India investigating a scheming guru helping disciples reach “the perfect climax” (Luigi Montefiore aka George Eastman, who says “I am love” and cums too soon), she decides to “get serious” and do a story about violence to women around the world. Female reporter accomplice Karin Schubert lets her in on her investigations surrounding an illegal white slave trade out of Rome. A woman is fucked (offscreen) by a snake and a dog, and there’s a great sex tutoring scene involving big wooden dildos in Eastman’s palace. Obviously a lot less outrageous than the notorious EMANUELLE IN AMERICA or EMANUELLE AND THE LAST CANNIBALS, it’s one of the more engaging and amusing entries in the series (if you don’t expect too much). With Ivan Rassimov, Marino Mase, porno veteran Paul Thomas in a bit-part and D’Amato, who has a cameo as a slave trader. The sappy theme tune goes “let’s make a picture of love, no special lighting needed…” A version with hardcore inserts exists.

DELICATESSEN (1991 FRA) D/W: JEAN PIERRE JEUNET/ MARC CARO W: GILLES ADRIEN P: CLAUDIE OSSARD Jeunet and Caro were known for their cartoons and short films before they made their debut feature, a surprise arthouse hit. Dominique Pinion is an ex-clown in a post-nuke future who gets a job at a deli. Meat is hard to come by so the deli acts as a front for cannibalistic capers. Vegetarian terrorists dwell in the sewers. Sylvie Laguna attempts to commit suicide repeatedly and Howard Vernon has a part, too. Not bad dark comic fantasy, as long as you don’t expect too much. With Jean-Claude Dreyfuss and Caro. The director duo made THE CITY OF LOST CHILDREN next.

THE DELINQUENT (fen nu qing nian; street gangs of hong kong) (1973 HK) D: CHANG CHEH/KUEI CHIH-HUNG W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW After a pretty cool solarised title sequence, featuring some amazing music (the score is by Frankie Chan), we’re introduced to the cramped, overcrowded, filthy 70s slums of Hong Kong (with Yau Kei’s excellent location photography you can almost smell the place). Wang Chung (in one of his finest performances) is a brawling street kid trying to keep a steady job so that he can look after his strict, tough dad (Lo Dik), who disapproves of the boy’s lifestyle. Thanks to street thugs led by Cripple (Dean Shek), Chung finds himself indebted to pimp Fang Mei Sheng (check out the great, almost psychedelic, leering sex scene), and in turn dapper, wealthy gang boss Tung Lam. They want the combination to a warehouse safe that holds some valuable keys, but the security guard is none other than daddy Dik, and he is willing to defend the safe with his life. I won’t spoil any more for you, but you should know that this perfect gritty 70s actioner is loaded with brutal, bonecrunching street fights and features a motorbike chase, a serial cliffhanger-style scene in a lumberyard, and death by cymbal in the insanely violent climax. A lovely looking Lily Li Li-Li costars, and the choreography is by Tang Chia and Liu Chia Liang. With Shum Lo, Chan Chuen, Hsu Hsia, Fung Ging Man, Fung Hak-On, Lee Chiu, Yen Shi-Kwan, Lee Sau-Kei, Tino Wong, Max Lee, Ricky Hui, San Kuai, Lau Jun-Fai, Chui Fat, Yuen Shun-Yi, Wong Pau Gei, Wong Ching and Chik Ngai Hung. One hundred classic Shaw Bros mins.

DELINQUENT SCHOOLGIRLS (carnal madness; bad girls; scrubbers 2; the sizzlers) (1974 US) D/W: GREGORY CORATIO W/P: MAURICE SMITH W: JOHN LAMB In this prime slice of 70s sleaze, three asylum convicts (Michael Pataki, who does lots of bad impersonations, a very horny Bob Minor, and Stephen Stucker, who passed on from AIDS in 86) escape and take their time wandering around an allgirls school terrorising and raping the big-breasted hotties in short check skirts (who don’t seem to mind much). John Alderman is the principal, Sharon Kelly uses karate, and Buck Flowers’ unsatisfied wife enjoys being raped, too. The uncut version runs 88 mins, and is fun, freewheeling non-PC goodness that’ll give you some laughs to go with that hard-on. Coratio also made WANDA, THE SADISTIC HYPNOTIST. Smith helmed LOVE, SWEDISH STYLE (1972) and co-directed JULIE DARLING (1983). Lamb made MERMAIDS OF TIBURON (1962).

DELIVERANCE (1972 US) D/P: JOHN BOORMAN W: JAMES DICKEY Pompous breast-beating macho weekend survivalist Burt Reynolds leads his friends from the suburbs of Atlanta (Jon Voight, Ned Beatty in his debut, and Ronny Cox) on a canoeing and hunting trip deep in the woods, before the river is finally flooded (along with a cluster of towns) to make way for a hydroelectric dam. As you probably know, dangerous backwoods hicks (including Bill McKinney in an iconic role) turn up to make Beatty “squeal like a pig”, and the quartet find themselves out of their depth in the middle of nowhere (actually victims of their paranoia more than anything else, an additional touch that differs somewhat from Poet Laureate Dickey’s 1970 source novel, which I think it improves upon). An outstanding, grim survival thriller with real pain and suffering, that also has a little something to say (amazingly, years of ripoffs, parodies and references has not ruined it for modern audiences). You could argue that the ending was appropriated (and pumped-up) for CARRIE. The excellent widescreen photography is by Vilmos Zsigmond (it was shot along the Chattooga River in Georgia and South Carolina). The Appalachian standard Feudin’ Banjos is used to memorable effect (apparently boy Billy Redden reappeared all grown-up in BLASTFIGHTER!). Dickey appears (and is surprisingly good) as the sheriff. He also wrote the screenplay for a 1976 tv movie adaptation of Jack London’s THE CALL OF THE WILD. Boorman seriously dropped the ball in making ZARDOZ next!

DELIVERED (death by pizza) (1998 US) D/P: GUY FERLAND W: ANDREW LIOTTA/LAWRENCE TRILLING P: MICKEY LIDELL/BRIAN SWARDSTROM A sarcastic college dropout vents his frustrations against a pretentious style-obsessed world by drawing a superhero comic strip and ranting into his Dictaphone while delivering pizzas. Ron Eldrad is a friendly-seeming homicidal psychopath who gets hold of the Dictaphone and thinks he is some kind of prophet. He begins killing the targets of his “satire”. It’s a light thriller that’s watchable enough, but overlong and doesn’t come close to fulfilling a potentially interesting premise. Derick Chamberlain drew the original comic book illustrations. With Leslie Stefanson, Scott Bairstow, Nicky Katt, Eric Keenleyside, Fulvio Cecere and Time Winters.

DELLAMORTE DELLAMORE (cemetery man; demons ‘95; of death and love) (1993 ITL FRA) D/P: MICHELLE SOAVI W/P: GIANNI ROMOLI P: TILDE CORSI/ HEINZ BIBO Rupert Everett works at a cemetery where the dead are beginning to return to life on a regular basis. This is treated as a minor inconvenience rather than any traditionally terror-filled experience in this very funny and exciting horror comedy (that’s wisely played straight) with a romantic soul. Both Everrett and his big mute janitor assistant Francios Hadji-Lazaro fall for undead women. Anna Falchi co-stars as Everett’s zombie love (several different characters). It references several other films (check out the PSYCHOMANIA homage), but there’s nothing else quite like it. With Mickey Knox and Soavi. It’s based on comics by Tiziano Sclavi. The cinematography is by Mauro Marchetti (his work is top-notch) and the great score is from Riccardo Bisco and Manuel De Sica.

THE DELTA FORCE (1986 US) D/W/P: MENAHEM GOLAN W: JAMES BRUNER P: YORAM GLOBUS This is the perfect example of a typical release from Golan and Globus’ Cannon company, at its height in the mid-80s. Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin (in his last role) are commandos battling evil planehijacking Arabs in the Middle East. There’s plenty to enjoy, from the all-star cast, whether the inspired casting (Robert Forster as Abduhl!) or just marveling at Chuck’s motorbike equipped with rocket launchers! With George Kennedy (what disaster movie would be complete without him), Shelley Winters, Martin Balsam, Joey Bishop, Susan Strasberg, Robert Vaughn, Bo Svenson, Steve James, Kim Delaney, Lainie Kazan and Hanna Schygulla. Two much less entertaining sequels followed.

DELTA FORCE 2: OPERATION STRANGLEHOLD (1990 US) D: AARON NORRIS W: LEE REYNOLDS P: MENAHEM GOLAN/CHRISTOPHER PEARCE This sequel is dull and overlong, but does have Billy Drago as a sadistic drug lord. Chuck Norris leads a crack team into Columbia to destroy a cocaine cartel. With John P. Ryan, Richard Jaeckel and Mark Margolis. Five people died during a helicopter crash that can be seen in the film.

DELTA FORCE 3: THE KILLING GAME (young commandos) (1991 US) D: SAM FIRSTENBERG W: ANDY DEUTSCH/GREG LATTER W/P: BOAZ DAVIDSON P: CHRISTOPHER PEARCE Famous sons, Nick Cassavetes, Eric Douglas, Matthew Penn and Mike Norris, team up with some Russians led by John P. Ryan to form a crack commando team that has to stop evil Arab terrorists. Harry Alan Towers was executive producer of this sleep-inducing “action” movie.

DELUGE (1933 US) D: FELIX E. FEIST W: JOHN F. GOODRICH/WARREN B. DUFF P: SAMUEL BISCHOFF/ BURT KELLY/WILLIAM SEAL Lost for decades, this b/w RKO production is now available (an Italianlanguage version with English subtitles) on video and it’s well worth a look. Not so much for the tepid (but ahead of its time) drama involving survivors of a major disaster, but the Ned Mann supervised FX depicting the destruction of NYC by a huge tidal wave. The mixture of miniatures and back-projection may look a little hokey today, but they’re also still impressive and must have been amazing on a big-screen at the time. The footage was reused several times, appearing in S.O.S. TIDAL WAVE (1939), DICK TRACY VS. CRIME INC. (1941) and KING OF THE ROCKET MEN. The cast includes Sidney Blackmer, Lois Wilson, Matt Moore, Lane Chandler, John Elliott, Ralf Harolde, Fred Kohler, Edward Van Sloan, Samuel S. Hinds, Edward Le Saint, Philo McCullough and Harry Semels. There’s a suicide ending and the only black character says idiotic things at an auction. Based on a novel by Sydney Fowler Wright. Feist later made the favourites DONOVAN’S BRAIN and THE DEVIL THUMBS A RIDE. It seems a shame that there is no legitimate, remastered dvd release, but as of writing, a 35mm nitrate negative of the original English-language version has been found, and plans are afoot for a 2015 release (hope this is not a hoax).

DEMENTED (1980 US) D/P: ARTHUR JEFFREYS D/W: ALEX REBAR P: MARK SMITH Sally Elyze (Elyse) is one of my favourite bad actresses. I mean, she’s really awful — which is why this REPULSION copy is a must-see, because she’s the star. After Elyze is discharged from an asylum (“I’ve changed inside and that’s a fact”), she’s raped, her husband (Harry Reems credited under his real name Bruce Gilchrist) cheats on her and a gang of youths break into her house. She snaps and fights back, castrating one of them with a length of wire. The story (from THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN himself) is not that interesting, but Elyze’s facial expressions and delivery are hilarious.

DEMENTIA See: DAUGHTER OF HORROR

DEMENTIA 13 (the haunted and the hunted) (1963 US) D/W: FRANCIS (FORD) COPPOLA W: JACK HILL (uncredited) P: ROGER CORMAN When her husband dies of a heart attack, gold digger Luana Anders hides the body in a lake because otherwise, if it’s discovered he’s dead before his mother, she can’t claim any inheritance. Then she travels to the family castle estate in Ireland to try to cause the mother’s death. The castle is said to be haunted by the ghost of a dead sister who drowned. Anders tries to manipulate this angle to unhinge the mother, but suddenly the film turns into an axe murder flick. Patrick Magee is entertaining as the cunning family doctor. Coppola had previously made the nudie short THE PEEPER, the nudie feature TONITE FOR SURE and filmed extra scenes for THE PLAYGIRLS AND THE BELLBOY (and worked uncredited on THE TERROR) before this good b/w AIP chiller that’s no classic (despite what you may have heard) but is well worth a look. It copies PORTRAIT IN TERROR (also with Magee and Campbell, on which Coppola worked as dialogue coach) a little. Jack Hill (who also worked uncredited on THE TERROR) was the second unit director.

THE DEMOLITIONIST (1995 US) D/W: ROBERT KURTZMAN W: BRIAN DiMUCCIO/DINO VINDENI/ ANNE KURTZMAN P: DONALD P. BORCHERS In a future city where firearms are illegal, Nicole Eggert is an undercover cop who’s killed by a biker gang planning to kill the mayor. Bruce Abbott is a scientist who brings her back to life with a special dialysis chair that replaces her blood with a serum that can regenerate the dead tissue. She becomes a leatherclad crimefighter (who has ROBOCOP-style cliché flashbacks to her former life) out for revenge, She also rides a special motorbike and speaks with a voice box. It’s not in the least bit entertaining. With Susan Tyrrell, Heather Langenkamp, Jack Nance, Tom Savini, Rochard Grieco, Reggie Bannister, Peter Jason, Sarah Douglas, Nils Allen Stewart and Andre Rosey Brown. Look out for Bruce Campbell.

DEMOLITION MAN (1993 US) D: MARCO BRAMBILLA W: DANIEL WATERS/ROBERT RESEAU/PETER M. LENKOV P: HOWARD G. KAZANIJAN/MICHAEL LEVY/JOEL SILVER In the future (2032), where sex, violence, swearing, cigarettes, caffeine and alcohol are banned, psycho Wesley Snipes escapes from cryo-prison. Sylvester Stallone is defrosted to go catch him. The irritating Sandra Bullock is his cop sidekick and Denis Leary (who launches into a watered down version of his stand-up rant mid-movie) leads an underground resistance. It’s an uninspired action movie with badly thought out sci-fi trappings. With Bill Cobbs, Nigel Hawthrone, Grand L. Bush, Bob Gunton, Benjamin Bratt, Troy Evans, Dan Cortese, Brandy Ledford, Jack Black, Jesse Ventura and Rob Scheider.

DEMOLITON UNIVERSITY (1997 US) D: KEVIN S. TENNEY W: STEVE JANKOWSKI P: JIM WYNORSKI/ PETER YUVAL A bus load of university students (who are treated and act more like high school kids) are held hostage during a trip to a water and power plant that’s been taken over by terrorists. Corey Haim (an executive producer) and Ami Dolenz do a DIE HARD while Robert Forster negotiates. Pathetic, cheap, talky, useless, silly, annoying… these and other words come to mind when watching a Tenney/Wynorski collaboration starring a past-his-prime Haim. All those spinning 360-degree camera turns during conversations fail to make things exciting. It’s actually a follow up to DEMOLITON HIGH (1996).

THE DEMON (kichiku) (1978 JPN) D/P: YOSHITARO NOMURA W: MASATO IDE Ken Ogata (in another great performance) works as a printer with his wife Shima Iwashita. Out of the blue, his former mistress, Mayumi Ogawa, and her three children turn up at his door, revealing that he’s been secretly supporting them. She leaves the children, but superbitch Iwashita will have nothing to do with them (other than abusing them). Infanticide seems like the only way out for them in this chilling suspense classic, based on Seicho Matsumoto’s novel (itself apparently based on a real-life case). With Kezo Kanie, Kunie Tanaka, Jun Hamamura, Shinobu Otake, Yoshi Kato and Hideji Otaki. Highly recommended. Nomura’s ZERO FOCUS and THE CASTLE OF SAND were also based on Matsumoto’s books.

DEMON (2010) See: DEVIL (2010)

THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET ST. See: SWEENEY TODD (1936)

DEMON BEAST CITY See: WICKED CITY (1987)

THE DEMON DOCTOR See: THE AWFUL DR. ORFLOFF

DEMONESS See: THE CRIER

DEMON FIST OF KUNG FU See: NEW SHAOLIN BOXER

DEMON HUNTER (1965) See: BLOOD BEAST OF MONSTER MOUNTAIN

DEMON HUNTER (2005 US) D: SCOTT ZIEHL W: MITCH GOULD P: STEPHEN J. CANNELL/MICHAEL DUBLEKO Sean Patrick Flannery stars as a world weary semi-demonic tough guy who tracks and kills demons for the Vatican (a mixed rip-off of BLADE, CONSTANTINE and VAMPIRES). A nun (Colleen Porch) becomes his sidekick as he hunts for the Demon of Lust (Billy Drago!), who hangs out with topless horned succubi on a bed, and is busy possessing the souls of women in LA. Starts off ok, but soon becomes apparent that there’s nothing new here. With William Bassett as a cardinal, Charles Howerton, David Wells and Robert Alonzo. Ziehl’s EARTH VS. THE SPIDER remake was much better.

DEMONIA (liza) (1988 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI P: PIERO REGNOLI This isn’t quite up there with Fulci’s finest, but is well worth a look. The ghosts of five 15th century Satanist nuns appear in the small Sicilian town where they were crucified for their sins (including baby burning). After a slow, atmospheric build up, Fulci (who has a cameo as a cop) lets rip with some of his most effective scenes of carnage. A guy ripped in half by a booby trap is copied from CUT AND RUN (but takes it one step further). With Brett Halsey, Al Cliver, some pretty good nun sex scenes and a ghost wielding a harpoon gun!

DEMONICA See: DUST DEVIL

DEMONIC TOYS (1992 US) D: PETER MANOOGIAN W: DAVID S. GOYER P: ANNE KELLY Tracy Scoggins is the star of this typically dumb Full Moon comedy horror based on an idea by Charles Band. Some annoying characters get trapped in an overstocked toy warehouse and are terrorised and attacked by toys. The main evil baby doll is kind of funny when spouting obscenities. It’s all controlled by an evil spirit in the form of a little boy who can cause hallucinations. With Bentley Mitchum and Stuntman Michael Russo. DOLLMAN VS. DEMONIC TOYS (1993) is the rip-off sequel that uses footage from this (and others). After a decade of viewers feeling they were safe, PUPPET MASTER VS. DEMONIC TOYS (2004) appeared. The terror continued with DEMONIC TOYS: PERSONAL DEMONS (2010). Goyer later wrote quality features like DARK CITY and BLADE.

DEMON ISLAND See: PIÑATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND

THE DEMON IS LOOSE See: MURDER-ROCK

DEMON KEEPER See: TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT

DEMON KID See: FEVER LAKE

DEMON KNIGHT See: TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT

THE DEMON LOVER See: THE DEVIL MASTER

DEMON MASTER See: THE DEVIL MASTER

DEMON NIGHT See: NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 2

DEMON OF OE MOUNTAIN (ooe yama shuten doji) (1960 JPN) D: TOKUZO TANAKA W: FUJI YAHIRO P: MASAICHI NAGATA This minor epic (set in the 10th century) directed by a former AD of Kurosawa and Mizoguchi, and based on a novel by Matsutaro Kawaguchi (a novelist and playwright whose work has been adapted to the screen a lot) has an extremely involved plot (based on a legend which it totally rewrites). Kazuo Hasegawa is the Shuten Doji (demon) living in a heavily guarded mountain fortress. Raizo Ichikawa is the General for the Genji clan, who believe they are in danger from the demon. But things are not at all what they seem. Shintaro Katsu co-stars as a samurai who slices the arm off a demon posing as a beautiful woman. Tamao Nakamura — Katsu’s future reallife wife — has an important role. Others are Kojiro Hongo, Fujiko Yamamoto, Ganjiro Nakamura, Naritoshi Hayashi, Ryouzo Shimada, Saburo Date, Jun Negami, Jiro Izawa, Jun Tazaki, Kichijiro Ueda, Gen Shimizu, Sonosuke Sawamura, Eitaro Ozawa, Michiko Ai, Sachiko Hidari, Fujiko Yamamoto, Shinobu Araki, Uzo Nanbujo, Ryozaburo Mitsuoka, Shintaro Nanjo, Seishiro Hase, Kimiko Tachibana, Reiko Kongo, Fumihiko Yokoyama and Yukio Horikita. Tanaka provides some nice compositions (with the aid of Hiroshi Imai’s colourful cinematography), and there are decent set pieces, but it’s overlong and lacklustre at 114 mins. Fantasy elements include a bull in the sky, a giant spider and a cool stop-motion flying demon head briefly during the opening credits. Not to mention deadly party streamers as a very cheap special effect! Of some interest to those studying Japanese cinema, history or folklore. Tanaka later directed Ichikawa in the brilliant THE BETRAYAL, and Katsu in the TOUGH GUY movies.

DEMON OF PARADISE (1987 PHIL US) D/W/P: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO W: FREDERICK BAILEY P: RODMAN FLENDER/LEONARD HERMES/MATT LEIPZIG This Concorde production highlights Roger Corman’s love for recycling. Officially a remake of UP FROM THE DEPTHS, the basic premise goes back to NAKED PARADISE and CREATURE FROM THE HAUNTED SEA. Dynamite fishing wakes a rather obvious man-in-a-suit gill-man creature. It attacks vacationers at a Hawaiian resort. It begins like it may be as amusing as UP FROM was, but it’s not really very good. With Ramon D’Salva.

DEMON OF THE LAKE See: CREATURE FROM BLACK LAKE

DEMONOID: MESSENGER OF DEATH (devil’s hand; la mano del diablo) (1979 MEX US) D/W/P: ALFREDO ZACHARIAS W: DAVID LEE FEIN/F. AMOS POWELL In the historical prologue, a topless woman’s left hand is chopped off in a cave, and kept in a hand-shaped case. In present-day Guanajuato, Mexico (the mummies are seen), silver mine prospector Roy C. Jenson removes it to show the suspicious locals a thing or two, but he gets possessed by the hand, which makes him chop off one of his own. His wife (star Samantha Eggar) enlists the help of a priest (Stuart Whitman, sporting an appalling attempt at an Irish accent) as the crawling hand goes on to possess more victims and wreak more havoc. It even shoots a gun at one point, and characters use train tracks, a blow-torch and even a car door (!) to remove their own hands. It’s a stupid, often laughable film, but also very boring. If you are going to watch, you might as well stick around for the amusing “surprise” ending. With Narcisco Busquets, José Chavez and Haji (from Russ Meyer films). Zacharias’ bad movie classic was THE BEES. Only 75 mins long.

THE DEMON PLANET See: PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES

DEMONS (1971) See: SHURA

THE DEMONS (1984) See: THE NINE VENOMS

DEMONS (demoni) (1985 ITL) D/W: LAMBERTO BAVA W/P: DARIO ARGENTO W: FRANCO FERRINI/ DARDANO SACCHETTI This ridiculous gore movie might be fun if you’re in the mood. Michele Soavi (who was also the assistant director) is a guy in a metal half-mask who hands out free tickets for a teen slasher film showing at a theatre in Berlin. Soavi also has a part in the film-within-a-film that somehow infects the viewers and turns them into flesh-eating demons with glowing eyes. No one can escape because all the exits have been bricked up. Urbano Barberini is the teen hero who’s lucky enough to find a motorbike with petrol in the tank and a samurai sword (!), and is saved when a helicopter happens to crash through the roof! But my favourite character is Bobby Rhodes as a pimp. With Fiore Argento and Garetta Giancarlo, Bava and FX maestro Sergio Stivaletti. Why did it take four people to write this? Claudio Simonetti provides the memorable trash synth soundtrack. It’s a good example of how the dreamlike, operatic style and mood of Argento is better suited to trashy rip-offs of his largely original, yet pompous and boring work (see also THE CHURCH for a good example). Followed by…

DEMONS 2 (demoni il l’incubo returno) (1986 ITL) D/W: LAMBERTO BAVA W/P: DARIO ARGENTO W: DARDANO SACCHETTI/FRANCO FERRINI During a tv documentary about the first film’s events (I think) a demon emerges from the tv set (like in THE VIDEO DEAD) and infects the tenants of a high-rise apartment complex (like in SHIVERS). They also drip acidic blood that seeps through the floors and cuts off the electricity. This sequel is not as fun as the first movie but Bobby Rhodes returns as a gym instructor. With Bava and little Asia Argento. A ridiculouslooking little demon emerges from a kid’s stomach and there’s a demon dog. Sergio Stivaletti returned with more FX.

DEMONS 3 (1987) See: THE OGRE

DEMONS 3 (1988) See: THE CHURCH

DEMONS 4 See: THE SECT

DEMONS 5 (devil’s veil; black sabbath; la maschera del demonio; la masacara del demonio; le masque de satan) (1989 ITL SPN FRA POR) D/W/P: LAMBERTO BAVA W: MASSIMO DE RITA/GIROGIO STEGANI P: ANDREA PIAZZESI Skiers fall through a crack in the mountain into a snow cave. They find a door that leads them to a deserted old village where a priest lives, and a woman’s body wearing an iron mask is encased in ice. After they remove the mask strange things begin to happen. They become infected by evil and play mean tricks on the blind clergyman. Demonic forces manifest themselves and there’s a crappy Medusa with an extending tongue. This senseless horror has some other FX moments (which aren’t worth mentioning), but no real gore as you might expect. Eva Grimaldi is Anibas, executed for witchcraft in a flashback that copies the masking scene in the director’s father’s classic THE MASK OF SATAN (of which this is a kind of remake). With Michele Soavi and Deborah Kinski.

DEMONS ’95 See: DELLAMORTE DELLAMORE

DEMON SEED (1977 US) D: DONALD CAMMELL W: ROBERT JAFFE/ROGER O. HIRSON P: HERB JAFFE One of the first movies to be based on Dean R. Koontz’s writings, this excellent sci-fi thriller has scientist Fritz Weaver creating the Proteus IV (voiced by Robert Vaughn), an advanced form of artificial intelligence that takes over his futuristic house when he’s away and terrorises and rapes his wife (Julie Christie). Intelligent, thought-provoking second feature from Cammell (after PERFORMANCE) was unfairly ridiculed on its original release, but has developed a deserved cult following since. With Gerrit Graham, Larry J. Blake, Michael Dorn and Felix Silla as the baby. Camell waited ten years before making his next feature, WHITE OF THE EYE.

DEMON’S KISS (bio amazzones) (2002 US) D/W: BRAD SYKES P: DAVID STERLING While searching for a breakthrough medicinal ingredient in Poza Rica, Chile, Madeleine Lindley is bitten by a strange creature and transforms into a horny flesh-eater. There are boring time-wasting shower and sex scenes in this crappy horror movie. With Jeff Marchelleta, Beverly Lynne, Garrett Clay, Richard Azurdia, Tanya Dempsey and David Alan Graf.

DEMONS NIGHT See: TOTEM

THE DEMONS OF LUDLOW (1983 US) D/P: BILL REBANE W: WILLIAM ARTHUR/ALAN ROSS During a New England town’s bicentennial celebrations, an old haunted harmonium (which bleeds) causes spirits to rise and kill. Sad, boring, pathetic horror offering from a director who usually made more enjoyably bad movies like THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION. Cheri Cafaro was an associate producer.

DEMONS OF THE DEAD See: ALL THE COLORS OF DARKNESS

DEMONS OF THE SWAMP See: ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES

DEMONSOUL (1995 UK) D/W/P: “ELISAR C. KENNEDY” (ELISAR CABRERA) P: DANIEL FIGNERO A young female secretary has a recurring nightmare featuring a childhood trauma mixed with visions of a caped Eileen Daly. She gets regressive hypnotherapy from a creep who feels her up and is sometimes possessed by a vampire. Meanwhile, Daly and some hooded monks capture and sacrifice people. This very low budget talkathon lensed in London has particularly bad sound, and a cameo from Dark Side magazine editor Allan Bryce in the senseless asylum ending. The pits, as they say. The video company that released this also puts out the endless WITCHCRAFT series, so Cabrera got to helm one of them, too.

DEMON SPIES (oniwaban) (1974 JPN) D: TAKASHI TSUBOSHIMA W: HIDE OGAWA/TAKATO ICHIKAWA P: OKI KAMEO During the Tokugawa period, some kids are raised in the woods to become ruthless ninja-like assassin “demon” spies for the shogunate, never allowed to remove their ritual demon masks. Based on a manga series by Kazuo Koike (who created LONE WOLF AND CUB) and Takumi Yamasaki, this violent period action movie deals with five of these “demons” (including a woman who was gang-raped as part of her training) and their first mission. It has some full-blooded Japanese comic book exploitation moments, but the mood is not sustained throughout, leaving most of the running time pretty bland. A shame, as it had real potential. With Kondo Masaomi, Yutaka Mizutani, Shin Kishida, Kei Sato, Jun Fujimaki, Kazuo Suzuki and an ending that suggests a sequel (I don’t know of one, but maybe). Director Tsuboshima also helmed a live-action LUPIN III feature the same year.

DEMONS 2002 See: WITCHOUSE 2

DEMONWARP (alien zombie) (1987 US) D: EMMETT ALSTON W: JIM BERTGES/BRUCE AKIYAMA/ JOHN CARL BUECHLER P: RICHARD L. ALBERT A meteor lands and makes a big crater in the precredit prologue. Present-day teens go to a cabin in the woods despite the fact that it’s really dangerous. This is because a monster (a man-in-a-modified-gorilla-suit) is loose. Top-billed George Kennedy is hunting it because it snatched his daughter. Stupid horror movie is dull most of the way, and then livens up a little with zombies (one has a Residents t-shirt on), an alien creature and a topless female sacrifice getting her heart ripped out. Other gore FX include a head torn off and an impaled stomach. Stupid surprise endings round it out. Buechler did the makeup, and Michele Bauer is in the cast.

DEMON WARRIOR (1988 US) D/W/P: FRANK PATTERSON W: MARK BAIRD/ALAN STEWART A Native Indian “demon warrior” (a guy in a monster mask) runs around killing teens who are camping on land stolen from his tribe. Another Indian (whose day job is investment banking) turns up to save the remaining campers. After lots of sleep-inducing running around and talk, the demon is hit by lightning and disappears. Don’t rent this.

DEMON WIND (1990 US) D/W: CHARLES PHILIP MOORE P: MICHAEL BENNETT/PETER COLLINS/PAUL HUNT The people responsible for this ridiculous mess should be shot on sight. A gang of annoying youths (including porn star Tiffany Million, billed as “Sandra Margot”) walk through a strange doorway in the middle of nowhere. They encounter demons, zombies and little sense. The funniest part is when a woman is turned into a doll, but no one seems to notice! Nonetheless, it’s not worth sitting through the movie for. With Bobby Johnston and Richard Gabai.

DEN OF LIONS (conclusion) (2003 US HUN) D/W: JAMES BRUCE W: FREDDY DEANE P: DAPHNE LERNER/ GABOR VARADI Ultra-boring dud about undercover American federal agent Stephen Dorff posing as Russian ganglord Bob Hoskins’ right-hand man in Hungary. The plot involves white slavery. With Laura Fraser, Ian Hart and Gyozo Szabo. Filmed in Budapest.

THE DENTIST (1996 US) D: BRIAN YUZNA W: STUART GORDON/DENNIS PAOLI/CHARLES FINCH P: PIERRE DAVID Corbin Bernsen stars as an obsessively neat and ordered dentist with a nice home who loses it after finding out that his wife is fucking the pool man. He starts hallucinating, loses concentration at work, drills through a little boy’s tongue by accident and, of course, kills people. An above average psycho thriller that genre critics went overboard praising when it was first released. Don’t expect too much. Ken Foree is a detective. With Mark Ruffalo, Christopher Kriesa and Yuzna.

THE DENTIST 2: BRACE YOURSELF (killer dentist) (1998 US) D: BRIAN YUZNA W: RICHARD DANA SMITH P: PIERRE DAVID/NOEL A. ZANITSCH/BRUCE DAVID EISEN Corbin Bernsen (an associate producer) is the killer dentist who escapes from a mental institution and tries to start over in a new town. He experiences flashbacks and hallucinations and self harms to calm down. He manages to keep himself under control until Clint Howard (who’s funny) turns up and recognises him, so the murders start again. It’s an ok sequel, with one standout dental torture scene.

THE DEPARTED (2006 US) D: MARTIN SCORSESE W: WILLIAM MONAHAN P: BRAD PITT/BRAD GREY/GIANNI NUNNARI/GRAHAM KING Leonardo DiCaprio is an undercover cop in gangster Jack Nicholson’s organisation, while Matt Damon is Nicholson’s protégé who was sent through police academy to work on the inside and tip him off in this Boston-set rewrite of the hit Hong Kong INFERNAL AFFAIRS trilogy. It’s an excellent 145 mins thriller that can stand on its own, but don’t forget to check out the originals. With Martin Sheen, Mark Wahlberg, Alec Baldwin, Ray Winstone, Vera Farmiga, Anthony Anderson, Kevin Corrigan, James Badge Dale, Mark Rolston and Robert Wahlberg. It was mostly shot in New York, but the result is pretty convincing.

THE DEPTH See: DEEPSTAR SIX

THE DEPTHS See: THE GHOSTS OF KASANE SWAMP

DERAILED (terror train) (2002 US) D: BOB MISIOROWSKI W: JACE ANDERSON/ADAM GIERASCH W/P: BOAZ DAVIDSON P: DANNY LERNER/DAVID VAROD Jean-Claude Van Damme is transporting witness Laura Elena Harring on a cross-country train which is hijacked by terrorists carrying a mutated smallpox virus, led by Tomas Arana. His family is also on-board. Dull NARROW MARGIN/UNDER SIEGE 2 clone (which is surprisingly violent at times) was lensed in Bulgaria. With Nikolai Binev.

DERANGED (1971) See: IDAHO TRANSFER

DERANGED (1973 CAN) D/W: ALAN ORMSBY D: JEFF GILLEN P: TOM KARK/BOB CLARK This was the most factual movie adaptation of the Ed Gein story before that Steve Railsback movie. But it’s still the best and creepiest. PSYCHO and THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE also borrowed from the Gein story. Roberts Blossom is great as Ezra Cobb, a mother-dominated small-town rural psycho who kills women to patch up the skin on his dead mom’s corpse. Not only is this an effective horror movie with an unhealthy atmosphere you can almost smell, but it’s also a very clever black comedy with onscreen narrator. I was lucky enough to get to see a restored, uncut version in a theatre. Highly recommended.

DEREK AND CLIVE GET THE HORN (1979 UK) D: RUSSELL MULCAHY Peter Cook and Dudley Moore (both now dead) were extremely funny on the old Not Only, But Also tv series, slipping into eccentric characters for dialogue-driven (and sometimes semi-improvised) sketches. Derek and Clive were their modernised foul-mouthed alter ego extensions of this show, and they released several successful Derek and Clive comedy LPs. A film crew were allowed into the studio to film them improvising the Ad Nauseum LP for Virgin Records (spot Richard Branson in the mixing booth). Rarely actually funny and really reaching for material, this is an interesting look at a burned-out comedy duo letting alcoholism, bitterness, boredom and one-upmanship get the better of them. Particularly pathetic attempts at shock tactics involve them playing around with a plastic sex doll and Cook singing “I’m a nigger and I fucked a white chick”. At one point there’s a police raid practical joke pulled on them, and a stripper also enters the studio.

DE SADE 2000 See: EUGENIE

THE DESCENDANT OF WING CHUN (bat saan chan sin sang; fo shan zan xian sheng) (1978 HK) D: HUANG HA Largely forgettable kung fu movie takes a while to get cooking, but when it does there’s some nicely choreographed action from Fung Hak On and Lee Hoi Sang (who also appears), in particular the final four-way involving spears. With Norman Chu, Melvin Wong, Kwan Hoi San, Ho Pak Kwong and Alan Chan. The best part is a supposedly wise monk’s fruit analogy, “don’t use oranges, use bananas”. The final line is “steady, on lad”. William Cheung was the original director replaced by Ha.

DESCENT (1979) See: STAR OF DAVID

THE DESCENDANT See: HEMOGLOBIN

DESERT HEAT See: INFERNO (1999)

DESERT LAW See: THE LAW OF THE DESERT

DESERT SOLDIER See: THE LAW OF THE DESERT

DESERT WARRIOR See: WHEELS OF FIRE

DESIRE OF THE VAMPIRE See: THE PLAYGIRLS AND THE VAMPIRE

DESPERADO (1975) See: KEOMA

DESPERADO (1995 US) D/W/P: ROBERT RODRIGUEZ P: BILL BORDEN Rodriguez’s reworking of his low-budget debut EL MARIACHI is a stylish, violent, knowing pastiche of itself, as guitar-playing stranger Antonio Banderas blazes a trail of John Woo-style gunfire through Mexico on a mission of vengeance. Many were quick to dismiss this as useless while praising the original, but I think that’s missing the point. With Salma Hayek, Steve Buscemi, Cheech Marin, Quentin Tarantino (giving his usual annoying selfconcious performance), Joaquim de Almeida and Danny Trejo. It is worth noting that over thirty years on and counting, you can’t improve on DJANGO. Rodriguez made the less enjoyable FROM DUSK ‘TIL DAWN next, while his ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO was a kind of MARIACHI continuation from 2003.

DESPERADO OUTPOST (dokuritsu gurentai) (1959 JPN) D/W: KIHACHI OKAMOTO P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA Makoto Sato stars as a deserter posing as a journalist towards the end of the (second) Sino-Japanese War (that’s WWII, kids) in Manchuria (I guess). He travels to the notorious titular military camp, comprising all the scum from other postings (this aspect is built up a bit much; the place doesn’t seem that bad, apart from the guy who shoots Chinese for target practice). Once there he playfully investigates a suspicious apparent double suicide and (spoiler ahead) uncovers a supply embezzling scam. This film is considered the feature in which Okamoto truly found his voice (the first he scripted himself), the farcical stupidity-of-war elements would later be expanded on in classics like THE HUMAN BULLET. But it’s also a commercial action movie, and manages to balance it all out pretty well (although someone more knowledgeable than myself may have issues with its politics). The self-serving, reluctantly heroic leads put me in mind of a nicer WILD BUNCH. Two major cameos come from Koji Tsurata as the leader of Chinese bandits caught between warring factions, and Toshiro Mifune (barely in it) as a comic relief commander with a screw loose. With Izumi Yukimura, Tadao Nakamura, Ichiro Nakatani, Yosuke Natsuki, Tatsuyoshi Ehara, Chieko Nakakita, Toki Shiozawa, Ikio Sawamura, Ren Yamamoto, Akira Tani, Sachio Sakai, Yutaka Nakayama, Nadao Kirino, Michiro Yokoyama and home-grown rockabilly legend Mickey Curtis. Sato (memorable in THE H-MAN) makes for a pretty cool rubber-faced anti-hero (a little like Bunta Sugawara’s gleeful younger brother), and, as this was a hit, he returned in five sequels (two of which were by Okamoto).

THE DESPERADOS See: THE ANIMALS

THE DESPERATE CHASE See: BLOOD OF THE DRAGON

THE DESPERATE HOURS (1955 US) D/P: WILLIAM WYLER W/P: JOSEPH HAYES Hayes adapted the screenplay for this good thriller from his own novel and play, which were themselves based on a real incident. Three escaped convicts (led by an excellent cold-blooded Humphrey Bogart) hold Fredric March’s family hostage in their own home. With Arthur Kennedy, Whit Bissell, Martha Scott, Gig Young, Bert Freed, Ray Collins, Ray Teal, Walter Baldwin, Paul E. Burns, Edmund Cobb, Ann Doran, Pat Flaherty, Beverly Garland, Don Haggerty, Donald Kerr and Bert Mustin.

DESPERATE HOURS (1990 US) D/P: MICHAEL CIMINO W: LAWRENCE KONNER/MARK ROSENTHAL/ JOSEPH HAYES P: DINO DE LAURENTIS This notoriously awful remake features Mickey Rourke in the Bogart role, leading the crooks who hold Anthony Hopkins, Mimi Rogers, and their daughter Shawnee Smith (from THE BLOB remake) hostage in their own home. Co-scripter Hayes wrote the original novel, but that can’t help this one. It’s just all wrong. With Kelly Lynch, Elias Koteas, Lindsay Crouse, David Morse, Gerry Bamman, Dean Norris, John Finn, James Rebhorn and Michael Flynn.

DESPERATE LIVING (1977 US) D/W/P: JOHN WATERS Waters’ last micro-budget movie before POLYESTER is also his first without Divine. It’s not among his best but is still interesting and pretty funny. Mink Stole and her 400lb black maid Grizelda (Jean Hill) accidentally kill Stole’s husband and run away to Mortsville, a town populated by criminals and ruled by an evil queen (Edith Massey). It has a lot of the typically outrageous Waters touches (a newly transplanted penis is cut off with scissors and Stole is shot in the arsehole) but lacks charm. With fascinating excon celebrity personality and stripper Liz Renay, Susan Lowe, Mary Vivian Pierce, Cookie Mueller, George Stover and intriguing sets.

DESPERATE MEASURES (1998 US) D/P: BARBET SCHROEDER W: DAVID KLASS P: SUSAN HOFFMAN/ GARY FOSTER/LEE RICH Andy Garcia is a cop whose son with leukemia is in need of a bone marrow transplant. The only suitable donor is dangerous, intelligent convicted killer Michael Keaton. Once inside the high-security hospital the calculating Keaton, of course, escapes, in this watchable action thriller. With Brian Cox, Marcia Gay Harden, Tracey Walter, Richard Riehle and Michael Shamus Wiles. JUNG is a Hindi remake from 2000.

DESPERATE MOMENTS See: THE COLD EYES OF FEAR

THE DESPERATE PRODIGAL See: EQUALS AGAINST DEVILS

DESTINATION MOON (1950 US) D: IRVING PICHEL W: ROBERT A. HEINLEIN/JAMES O’HANLON/ALFORD VAN RONKEL P: GEORGE PAL Based on Heinlein’s novel Rocketship Galileo, this very matter of fact (full colour) dissection of the first manned flight to the Moon is pretty interesting, especially now. It’s fascinating to see how much of it later became sciencefact. There’s some good suspense when a character almost drifts into space. With John Archer, Warner Anderson and Tom Powers. Other analytical sci-fi programmers followed. Pichel directed the film noir QUICKSAND the same year.

DESTINATION SATURN See: BUCK ROGERS

DESTINED TO BE INGESTED (holocaust holocaust) (2008 US) D/W: SOFIAN KHAN W: KITTY COLE P: DONALD FLETCHER In the “South Pacific, 1987” (the beautiful locations are actually in the British Virgin Islands), two couples on a diving holiday and their boat’s captain get lost, and end up on a small island. After some drink and drugs, a native savage kills with a spear, and there’s a bongo led sacrifice. Co-writer Cole stars as the surviving woman, who becomes a pregnant jungle wife. The final reel even has zombies! When this very low-budget oddity began I expected it to be shite, but it’s different, ambitious and doesn’t outstay its welcome at 77 mins. I can imagine Khan doing good things with a bigger budget. With Theodore Boulokos and Suzi Lorraine.

DESTINY TURNS ON THE RADIO (johnny destiny) (1995 US) D: JACK BARAN W: ROBERT RAMSAY/ MATTHEW STONE P: GLORIA ZIMMERMAN Dylan McDermott escapes from prison and heads for Vegas to see his brother James Le Gros at the Marilyn Motel, and to get back his girl Nancy Travis. Flashbacks reveal how a mystical figure called Johnny Destiny (Quentin Tarantino) emerged from a swimming pool, which is in fact a gateway to alternate realities, or something like that. I’d rather endure a tabasco enema than have to sit through this aimless, pretentious bore again. Even Bobcat Goldthwait as an undercover cop can’t make it worth the watch. With Tracey Walter, Richard Edson, Alan Garfield, James Belushi and David Cross. The screenwriters later wrote the Coen brothers’ INTOLERABLE CRUELTY.

DESTROY ALL MONSTERS (operation monsterland; gojira: dengeki taisakusen; kaiju soshingeki) (1968 JPN) D/W: ISHIRO HONDA W: “KAORU MATSUCHI” (TAKESHI KIMURA) P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA This highly enjoyable Godzilla romp features almost every Toho rubber monster living on Monster Island. Aliens gain control of them and send them to destroy the world. King Ghidorah turns up at the end and all the monsters have a scrap atop Mount Fuji. Despite what the purists may think, most people will find this a lot of fun and will probably pick their own personal favourite monster to cheer on (mine’s the still-in-the-larvae Mothra). With Akira Kubo (Hal Linden provides his voice in one of the English-dubbed verions), Jun Tazaki, Yoshi Tsuchiya, Kenji Sahara, Yoshifumi Tajima, Ikio Sawamura, Yutaka Sada, Kazuo Suzuki and the Ito sisters (most of them kaiju eiga vets). GODZILLA’S REVENGE was next.

DESTROY ALL PLANETS See: GAMERA VS. VIRAS

THE DESTROYERS (the magnificent ruffians; destroyers of the five deadly venoms; maai meng siu ji) (1979 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW At the turn of the 20th century, out of work kung fu expert escort men (Lo Meng, Sun Chien and Chiang Sheng) are tricked by wealthy Lu Feng to kill a rival businessman. Pretty convoluted plot is the main problem with this “venoms” film, but forget that and concentrate on Lu Feng, Chiang Sheng and Huo Chen’s superb fight choreography. In particular, Lu Feng’s use of a staff-sword is breathtaking. With Philip Kwok and Johnny Wang Lung Wei. The music from TAXI DRIVER is used at some point.

THE DESTROYERS (the devastator; king’s ransom) (1985 PHIL US) D/P: CIRIO H. SNATIAGO W: JOSEPH SUGARMAN ’nam vets battle heavily armed marijuana farmers in a small, corrupt California town. This generic action junk from Concorde was mostly lensed in the Philippines. Richard Hill (DEATHSTALKER) stars, with Katt Shea (who later directed STRIPPED TO KILL (1987) and others).

DESTROYERS OF THE FIVE DEADLY VENOMS See: THE DESTROYERS

DESTRUCTION See: THE RAGE

DESTRUCTION INC. See: JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT

DETECTIVE BUREAU 2–3: GO! (kutabare akto domo: tante jimusho 23) (1963 JPN) D: SEIJUN SUZUKI W: IWAO YAMAZAKI P: SHOZO ASHIDA Joe Shishido (who had surgery to make his cheeks look like that) stars as a detective who goes undercover in a yakuza gang to find out why another two gangs were wiped out during an arms robbery at an American army base. This ok thriller from Suzuki has a cool soundtrack, and Shishido (also in the director’s more famous BRANDED TO KILL) performing a musical number. With Nobuo Kaneko, Reiko Sasomori and Tamio Kowaji. Based on a novel by Haruhiko Oyabu, as was Suzuki’s more famous YOUTH OF THE BEAST (1963).

DETECTIVE MALONE (black cobra 4) (1990 ITL) D: “BOB COLLINS” (UMBERTO LENZI) W: RONALDO RUSSO Masochistic fans of the BLACK COBRA trilogy rejoice! Fred Wiliamson returns as Malone in yet another awful, seemingly endless action douche bag. With Maurice Poli and Bobby Rhodes. Why the war footage during the opening credits?

DETONATION! VIOLENT GAMES (bakuhatsu! boso yugi) (1976 JPN) D/W: TERUO ISHII W: SHINICHI HASHIMOTO A biker gang clad in black leather fight for territory with a similarly colour-coded red gang. Occasionally everyone bursts into synchronised finger-clicking sessions, as if in a musical (but there are no songs)! Apart from a climactic, violent rumble at the beach, this is pretty uneventful stuff. Koiichi Iwaki and Yumi Takigawa star.

DETOUR (1945 US) D: EDGAR G. ULMER W: MARTIN GOLDSMITH/MARTIN MOONEY (uncredited) P: LEON FROMKESS This b/w film noir classic stars Tom Neal as a pianist who narrates his flashback tale of what happened to him as he hitched from New York to LA to be with his girlfriend. Wonderfully bleak from start to finish, with some great hard-boiled dialogue (“What’s $10? A piece of paper crawling with germs”), a skillful air of oppression, and claustrophobia wrung out of the tiny PRC budget by the underrated Ulmer (he made another 10 movies the same year). The delightfully over-the-top Ann Savage costars, with Tim Ryan, Harry Strang, Esther Howard, Pat Gleason, Don Brodie and Eddie Hall. It’s based on Goldsmith’s novel. Neal’s son starred in a 1989 remake.

DETROIT 9000 (police call 9000) (1973 US) D/P: ARTHUR MARKS W: ORVILLE H. HAMPTON “It’s the murder capital of the world, Motortown, where the honkies are the minority race.” A corrupt black congressman is killed at a charity ball. White (Alex Rocco) and Black (Hari Rhoades) detectives feel (and discuss) the racist pressure as they hunt for the guilty parties. It’s an ok blaxploitation flick, with a good cemetery shoot-out and a surprise ending, but otherwise pretty forgettable. Has its fans, mind you. With Scatman Crothers, June Fairchild, Vonetta McGee, Davis Roberts and real Detroit police commissioner John Nichols.

THE DEVASTATOR See: THE DESTROYERS (1985)

THE DEVIL (devil’s express; che moh; xie mo) (1981 TAI) D: CHANG JEN CHIEH W: LUK PAK SANG P: C.H. WONG/MAO HUNG CHI This opens with a woman having her head bashed in with a rock, and then a witch cures a possessed man by cutting his stomach open and removing snakes and slimy insects from his entrails. He drinks alcohol despite her warnings not to, and throws up more maggots and stuff. The townsfolk burn him on a funeral pyre. But they don’t realise that the real villain of the piece is a seemingly kind young man who marries the daughter of a hotel owner (using a love spell), only to treat her like shit and try to sell the place from under them. The family (including an annoying money grabbing bellboy kid called Ding Dong) beg the witch (a relative) for help, so she poisons the guy (who’s also haunted by the scarred, acrobatic ghost of a former wife he killed). He ends up chopping one of his hands off with a cleaver, and puking up a whole load of slimy, wriggling insects (this non-faked scene is up there with the finale of the following year’s CENTIPEDE HORROR). Watchable but fairly routine for this kind of thing, will probably impress first-time viewers of Asian insect-puking horrors the most. With Chen Hung-Hieh (from 1971’s BLACK AND WHITE SWORDSMAN) and Yuen Sam.

DEVIL (demon) (2010 US) D: JOHN ERICK DOWDLE W: BRIAN NELSON W/P: M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN P: SAM MERCER Five strangers find themselves trapped in a high-rise building’s elevator. As they’re killed one by one, cop Chris Messina (watching them on a security monitor) tries to figure out which is the murderer, as rescue attempts fail (and result in more deaths). Security guard Jacob Vargas (who narrates) is convinced that it’s the work of the Devil himself. Quite silly sub-Twilight Zone stuff, but also a fun watch with some good shocks. Part one of Shyamalan’s proposed Night Chronicles trilogy. With Bookeem Woodbine, Logan Marshall-Green, Matt Craven and Joe Pingue (from Across The River To Motor City). Set in Philadelphia, it was shot in Canada. Dowdle previously directed QUARANTINE (2008), and Nelson wrote HARD CANDY (2005).

THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER (all that money can buy; a certain mr. scratch; daniel and the devil; here is a man) (1941 US) D/P: WILLIAM DIETERLE W: DAN TOTHEROH/STEPHEN VINCENT BENET James Craig is Jabez Stone, a 19th century New Hampshire farmer in debt who makes a deal with Mr. Scratch (Walter Huston) for his soul, and finds hidden gold in his barn. A guy called Webster (Edward Arnold) defends Stone against a jury of ghostly criminals at the end. Classic b/w fantasy/morality tale only gets better with age. Based on Stephen Vincent Benet’s short story. With Jeff Corey, H.B. Warner, Jane Darwell, Gene Lockhart, John Qualen, Simone Simon (CAT PEOPLE), George Cleveland, Anne Shirley, Frank Austin, Walter Baldwin, Sonny Bupp, Alec Craig, Eddie Dew, Robert Dudley, Sarah Edwards, Fern Emmett, Robert Emmett Keane, Carl Stockdale, Robert Strange, Ferris Taylor, Jim Farley and Thomas Mitchell. A 2001 remake starred Jennifer Love Hewitt.

THE DEVIL & THE GHOST BUSTER (yim gwai hung leng; yan gui xiong ling) (1988 HK) D: HOH LIN-CHOW W: SZE-TO ON Cheng Yuen Man (or Wan Wen Zheng) is a beautiful ghost who grants “David Wei” (that’s Wai Pak, or We Pai, who was Snake in the cartoonish kung fu classic FIVE DEADLY VENOMS) supernatural fighting powers so he can fight evil and defeat the Devil (a guy with big hair who whips a topless woman tied to a cross, and can breathe fire). There are some hopping vampires led by the familiar typecast cross-eyed Yue Tau Wan as a Taoist, and lots of colourful magic FX. Unfortunately, it’s mostly talk, though, and fairly boring for much of the running time. With Ku Feng and Sai Gwa Paau.

THE DEVIL BAT (killer bats) (1941 US) D: JEAN YARBROUGH W: JOHN THOMAS NEVILLE/GEORGE BRICKER P: JACK GALLAGHER/SIMON NEUFELD (uncredited) Scientist Bela Lugosi feels cheated when the beauty product company he provided formulas for makes millions that he doesn’t have a share in. So he creates an aftershave lotion that attracts a big killer bat he keeps in his lab. He insists that his victims try the lotion, and later that evening the bat strikes. Dave O’Brien is the heroic newspaper reporter out to solve the mysterious killings. Donald Kerr is his comic relief photographer sidekick. With Guy Usher, Edmund Mortimer, Arthur Q. Bryan, Hal Price and John Davidson. This b/w PRC quickie is pretty silly, but worth it to hear Bela curse “bombastic ignoramus!” The busy Yarbrough made KING OF THE ZOMBIES the same year. A loose sequel (THE DEVIL BAT’S DAUGHTER) appeared five years later.

THE DEVIL COMMANDS (1941 US) D: EDWARD DMYTRYK W: ROBERT D. ANDREWS/MILTON GUNZBERG P: WALLACE MacDONALD Loosely based on William Sloane’s story The Edge of Running Water, this mostly forgotten b/w sci-fi horror is worth remembering about. It’s no classic, but is unusual, interesting and has memorable visuals. Boris Karloff is a mad scientist trying to communicate with his dead wife. The surreal sight of corpses propped up around a table wearing what look like diving suits and helmets, jolting with electricity is inspired. With Richard Fiske, Dorothy Adams, Walter Baldwin, Kenneth MacDonald, Wheaton Chambers, Harrison Greene, Eddie Kane and John Tyrrell.

THE DEVIL DOLL (1936 US) D/W: TOD BROWNING W: GARRETT FORT/GUY ENDORE/ERIC VON STROHEIM P: E.J. MANNIX Along with FREAKS, this romantic and thoroughly heartbreaking b/w fantasy classic ranks as Browning’s best work. Lionel Barrymore escapes from Devil’s Island (where he was wrongly convicted) and uses a serum to shrink people to miniature size and uses them to kill his corrupt enemies. He dresses himself up as a little old lady, running a doll shop as a front. The FX are brilliant and sometimes quite beautiful. Maureen O’Sullivan is Barrymore’s daughter, the character that really makes the story unique. A must-see. Based on Abraham Merritt’s Burn Witch Burn. With Robert Greig, Lucy Beaumont, Henry B. Walthall, Pedro de Cordoba, Arthur Hohl, Claire Du Brey, Rollo Lloyd, E. Allyn Warren, Francis McDonald, Inez Palange, Edward Keane, King Baggot, Egon Brecher, Christian J. Frank, Billy Gilbert, Robert Graves, Sherry Hall, Wilfred Lucas, Eily Malyon, Frank Reicher, Nick Thompson and Evelyn Selbie. Browning made his final film, MIRACLES FOR SALE, next.

DEVIL DOLL (1963 UK US) D/P: LINDSAY SHONTEFF D: SIDNEY J. FURIE (uncredited) W: “GEORGE BARCLAY” (RONALD KINNOCH)/“LANCE Z. HARGREAVES” (CHARLES F. VETTER)/FREDERICK E. SMITH P: KENNETH RIVE This low-budget extension of the ventriloquist dummy segment in DEAD OF NIGHT is pretty creepy. Bryant Halliday (from THE PROJECTED MAN) is the Great Yorelli, who has an act with a dummy that’s the talk of the town for its convincing realism. But little does the public know that his dummy Hugo can actually come to life, and is a psycho to boot! With Karel Stepanek. Richard Gordon was executive producer. CURSE OF THE VOODOO (1965) was the follow up.

DEVIL DOLL MEN See: THE CURSE OF THE DOLL PEOPLE

DEVIL FETUS (moh toi; mo tai) (1983 HK) D: LAU HUNG CHUEN W: YUENG GEI/JENG MAN WA P: LO WEI Although released in English by Ocean Shores, this horror movie remains an overlooked obscurity. It’s no classic but is a fun fantasy that my wife and I had a great time watching. A woman buys a vase at an auction and the haunted (cursed?) object somehow impregnates her (!) while she masturbates. Her husband smashes the vase only to have his face rotted with maggots. The pregnant wife also dies and a deformed foetus bursts from her corpse, ALIEN-style. It gets more supernatural from then on with magic, possession, undead sex, cannibalism, worm cake and more. The FX are cheap but effective, the gore is well done and the finale is excellent. With Ho Pak Kwong, Leung Saan and Ouyang Shafei.

DEVIL FISH (1984) See: MONSTER SHARK

DEVIL GARDEN See: REVENGE OF DR. X

DEVIL GIRL FROM MARS (1954 UK) D: DAVID MacDONALD W: JAMES EASTWOOD P: EDWARD & HARRY LEE DANZIGER A sexy Patricia Laffan (decked out in leather) is the title character who holds a bunch of people hostage at a remote Scottish inn with an invisible forcefield. She has a big clunky robot called Chani and at one point the kindly old landlady says “Seeing as we’re all still alive, we might as well have a nice cup of tea”. It’s a lot of fun, based on John C. Mather’s stage play (!). With Hazel Court and John Laurie. In b/w.

THE DEVIL HUNTER (man hunter; mandingo manhunter; sexo canibal; il cacciatore di uomini; chasseur de l’enfer; chasseurs d’hommes; jungfrau unter kannibalen) (1980 ITL SPN W.GER FRA) D/W: “CLIFFORD BROWN” (JESÚS FRANCO) W/P: JULIAN ESTEBAN Movie star Ursula Buchfullner (who’s topless throughout) is kidnapped (one of the villains is Werner Pochath from MOSQUITO) and taken to a tropical jungle island while visiting some unspecified country. Al Cliver is hired to rescue her. The highlight (!) of this sleep-inducing jungle adventure/horror is a big black native with ping pong eyeball makeup who eats people. With Antonio Mayans.

THE DEVIL HUNTERS (red force 3; megaforce 2; ultra force 2; lip moh kwan ying; lie mo qun ying) (1989 HK) D/W: TONY LIU W: CHAN MAN-GWAI P: LEE YUKHING Moon Lee is an undercover cop infiltrating the mob. Not a particularly original plot, but it’s action-packed and has superior HK action and editing. Unfairly neglected. With Sibelle Hu, Ray Lui, Francis Ng, Alex Man Chi-Leung, Michael Chan Wai Man, Lau Siu Ming and Ken Lo. Look for the nasty scene where a woman is tied up, covered in bugs and tortured. Worse though, Hu and Lee sustained very bad burns when a pyrotechnic stunt near the end went wrong. (Footage of which can be seen during the end credits.) Lung Sang (1994’s ROCK ON FIRE) and Chung Fat were the action directors.

DEVIL IN A BLUE DRESS (1995 US) D/W: CARL FRANKLIN P: JESSE BEATON/GARY GOETZMAN Denzel Washington is an unemployed man in 1948 LA who’s hired by Tom Sizemore to search for mysterious political candidate girlfriend runaway Jennifer Beals. Good period atmosphere can’t save this Walter Mosley novel overcome its overfamiliar noirish story and trappings. With Don Cheadle as Mouse, Maury Chaykin, Beau Starr, Steven Randazzo, Barry Shabaka Henley and Poppy Montgomery. Jonathan Demme was an executive producer. Franklin also made the much better ONE FALSE MOVE (1992).

THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES (1972 US) D/W/P: GERARD DAMIANO After DEEP THROAT, Damiano returned with a decidedly better, more bleak slice of porn. Georgina Spelvin stars (debuting in porno at the age of 37) as a woman who slits her wrists in the bath. In the afterlife, her guide Abaca informs her that because she committed suicide (the ultimate sin), she must go to Hell. She begs to have more time on Earth to explore sex, which she had neglected to do when she was alive (as the tagline said,”if you have to go to Hell, go for a reason”). She is granted some time to fuck (with Harry Reems and others) until she has to go to her own personal Hell. The ending is brilliant. Damiano appears in the cast.

THE DEVIL INSIDE HER (the devil within her) (1976 US) D/W: ZEBEDY COLT P: JASON WEST In this 69 mins New York porno, the Devil disguises himself to get lots of sex on a New England farm in 1826. Colt (SEX WISH) is the puritanical father whose farmhand is in love with his younger daughter. The older daughter is jealous, conjures the Devil and ends up fucked and pissed on by three men in Hell for her sins. With Terri Hall, Annie Sprinkle and Jody Maxwell. Fans of vintage porno may enjoy, but it’s not really different or extreme enough to hook viewers of more regular exploitation cinema. The cinematography is by Doris Wishman regular C. Davis Smith (as “Charles Lamont”).

DEVIL KILLER (ninja exterminators; best and the worst) (1977/82 TAI) D: ROBERT TAI W: TAO YUNG P: T.H. LAM Here’s the directorial debut of Robert Tai (MAFIA VS NINJA, NINJA: THE FINAL DUEL). Alexander Lo Rei stars along with a Lo Rei lookalike who plays his brother (actually his real brother, Tong Lung) and maybe Jackie Cheung? Like all of Tai’s films as director, it’s all over the place and unsubstantial story-wise (not surprising since it is culled from at least two unfinished movies), but the kung fu he’s choreographed is top-fucking-notch, a must for genre fans. He also appears briefly. The UK release is cut for nunchaku action and maybe more. If you’re after mad Tai action in films by better directors, check out THE CRIPPLED AVENGERS and NINJA VS. SHAOLIN GUARDS for starters.

DEVIL MAN (1972 JPN ANIMATED) D: TAKESHI SHIROTO W: MASAKI TSUJI/TADAAKI YAMAZAKI/ TOIOHIRO ANDO P: SHINNICHI MIYAZAKI This is the original tv series (40 x 25 mins episodes) based on Go Nagai’s manga (later adapted for a video feature series with an international release). Devil Man is sent to Earth in the guise of teenage schoolboy Akira to wreak havoc and destroy mankind. But he falls in love with a girl called Miki and ends up defending her and mankind from various cool-looking demons from Hell each week. Some episodes are excellent and the animation is very well done.

DEVILMAN (2004 JPN) D: HIROYUKI NASU W: MACHIKO NASU P: RIEKO TOMINAGA/TOSHIYUKI MATSUI/ HIROMI KITASAKI Go Nagai’s ultra-popular manga had become a successful animated tv series in 72, an OAV two-parter in 1987, and there was also 2000’s AMON: DEVILMAN: REVELATION (the character also turned up in the 1973 featurette MAZINGER Z VS DEVILMAN). This pathetic liveaction remake starring (soon forgotten) pop idols and fashion models angered fans who paid to see it in theatres, and it’s pretty easy to see why. Twin brother popstars Misato and Yusuke Izaki (from the J-Pop group Flame) are both Devilman and an angel (who turns out to be Satan himself!) respectively, after Yusuke’s scientist dad’s experiment/excavation results in demon-monsters escaping and infecting (or something). Devilman lives with cute schoolgirl Ayana Sakai and her family after his parents are killed in a car crash. In a completely different story from the (often sexy, violent and subversive) comic, people from all around the world get infected by demons (apparently, nothing outside Japan is ever seen, only relayed on big tv screens by ex-football player and K1 fighter star Bob Sapp as a newscaster), and wiped out by paranoid vigilante teams of demon-busters. Eventually there’s a nuclear showdown between Japan and the US, and then some ridiculous CGI fight between the Izaki brothers in a post-nuke wasteland. I saw this for free, so found the nonexistent acting, video game-look FX (although to be fair, sometimes they were good) and overall feel of an overblown episode of a tv series, like Ultraman or Kamen Rider, enjoyably laughable and jaw-droppingly bad. But anyone forking out cash for a dvd should prepare to feel well and truly cheated. With Asuka Shibuya, old rocker Ryudo Uzaki, Ai Tominaga, Yoriko Douguchi, Toshikazu Fukawa, Kazuhiko Kaneyama, Mikio Osawa, Kitarou, Koji Matoba, Moroka Moro, Kon Ishiki, Nagai himself, and a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it bit (you couldn’t call it a cameo) from Kyusaku Shimada. My wife summed it up simply, but eloquently, “I don’t see the point of this film at all”. Director Nasu (who helmed a bunch of live-action BE-BOP HIGHSCHOOL features through the 80s) died of lung cancer the following year. Another major Nagai adaptation from earlier in the year was CUTIE HONEY.

THE DEVIL MASTER (the demon lover; demon master) (1976 US) D/W/P: DONALD G. JACKSON/ JERRY YOUNKINS This ridiculous horror film might keep you entertained. A martial arts fighting Devil worshipper conjures up a demon to kill members of his coven who betray him. With Gunner (Leatherface) Hansen, comic book artist Val Mayerick and the immortal line, “It’s a dead body, Pete, just like on tv”. Apparently the Making Of documentary (THE DEMON LOVER DIARY) is more entertaining, and pretty unflattering. Jackson made the cult favourite HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN in the 80s.

THE DEVIL OBSESSION See: THE EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW

THE DEVIL RIDES OUT (the devil’s bride) (1968 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: RICHARD MATHESON P: ANTHONY NELSON-KEYS Christopher Lee heads the cast of this great, fast-paced witchcraft thriller, one of the finest Hammer horrors, with plenty of imaginative ghoulish action. Charles Gray is the villain, a Satanic sect leader who conjures up dark powers in the fun climax. It’s based on Dennis Wheatley’s novel, and is just an old-fashioned supernatural adventure. With Patrick Mower, Russell Waters and Patrick Allen.

THE DEVILS (1955) See: DIABOLIQUE (1955)

THE DEVILS (1971 UK) D/W/P: KEN RUSSELL P: ROBERT H. SOLO In 17th century France, Cardinal Richelieu (Christopher Logue, who wrote Ken Russell’s 1972 movie SAVAGE MESSIAH) is vying for more power under foppish King Louis XIII (Graham Armitage). As an example, he attempts to tear down the self-governing walled city of Loudon (surrounded by plague victims). Resistance comes in the form of Father Grandier, a vain, self-impressed yet progressive Protestant, who has inherited the role of town saviour from a recently deceased cardinal, and understands the threat of repressive Catholicism. Baron Dudley Sutton, witchfinder Father Barre (Michael Gothard from SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN) and their goons seize on the ravings of sexually repressed and clearly demented Mother Superior (Vanessa Redgrave), besotted with Reed (as are her cloister of nuns). A violent, degrading, torturous “exorcism” of Redgrave, and the coerced orgy of depravity that unfolds within the convent give the Catholics the “evidence” they need to make Reed (ironically, Christlike) a scapegoat (and martyr). This is an absurd, theatrical, grotesque, surreal and near-psychedelic powerhouse of a film. With Murray Melvin, Gemma Jones, Georgina Hale and John Woodvine. Derek Jarman did an amazing job as art director (hard to believe it was shot at Pinewood Studios, by David Watkin). Shirley Russell provided costumes. Also excellent is the Peter Maxwell Davies composed score. Based on Aldous Huxley’s historical novel The Devils of Loudun (based on real events) and John Witing’s play. Problematic with the censors (and religious groups) even before it was released, it has been fucked about with for years. Warner Bros still refuse to release an uncut THE DEVILS, the longest “restored” cut being a Bluray of the original UK X rated version (running 111 mins). Bootleg composites include footage from the notorious, excised “Rape of Christ” scene spliced in, taken from a C4 making-of documentary, HELL ON EARTH (2002). Two interesting exploitation movie precursors about religious persecution and intolerance are MATTHEW HOPKINS: WITCHFINDER GENERAL and MARK OF THE DEVIL.

THE DEVIL’S ADVOCATE (diabolos; im auftrag des teufels) (1997 US GER) D: TAYLOR HACKFORD W: JONATHAN LEMKIN/TONY GILROY P: ARNON MILCHAN/ARNOLD KOPELSON/ANNE KOPELSON Keanu Reeves is a successful young lawyer invited to work for Al Pacino’s corrupt NYC law firm. Pacino turns out to be the Devil himself (and Reeves’ dad!). Charlize Theron is Reeves’ wife in a ROSEMARY’S BABY like subplot. Based on Andrew Neiderman’s novel, it’s way too long and (as you’d expect from Hackford) emotionally overwrought (and has too many endings), but despite all this I enjoyed it in a theatre. With Jeffrey Jones, Connie Nielsen, Craig T. Nelson, Judith Ivey, Don King, Monica Keena, John Rothman, Delroy Lindo, Vyto Ruginis, Heather Matarazzo, Christopher Bauer and Leo Burmster.

DEVIL’S ANGELS See: RAGAN

THE DEVIL’S BRIDE See: THE DEVIL RIDES OUT

DEVIL’S CAMERA See: SCUM OF THE EARTH (1963)

THE DEVIL’S CHAIR (2006 UK) D/W: ADAM MASON W: SIMON BOYES P: PATRICK EWALD/NADJA BRAND/ERIC M. BREIMAN An incarcerated killer who can’t remember his crime (Andrew Howard, who narrates with an inner monologue throughout) is discharged from a mental institution into the care of a self-serving professor, who insists on taking him back to the scene of the crime, an abandoned old asylum building, to help with book research (some of his students tag along, too). It seems that maybe Howard’s confused ramblings about an old, weird chair that could be a portal to another world weren’t so ridiculous after all. It’s difficult to praise this lowbudget gem without spoiling it, but suffice to say you should stick with it regardless of your initial opinion. You’re in for a nice surprise. With Matt Berry, Nadja Brand and Louis Griffiths.

THE DEVIL’S DAUGHTER (pocomania) (1939 US) D/P: ARTHUR H. LEONARD W: LEON LEE/GEORGE TERWILLIGER P: ALFRED N. SACK This odd b/w black cast movie (with a white villain) was filmed in Jamaica and is pretty interesting, despite the fact that not much happens. The main plot concerns star Nina Mae McKinney defending her banana plantation by using voodoo, drugs and hypnotism. But what makes it worth the watch is the almost docudrama parade of endless dances, rituals and comedy. It runs about an hour and is actually a remake of Terwilliger’s 1936 movie LOVE WANGA (great title!).

DEVIL’S DAUGHTER (1990) See: THE SECT

THE DEVIL’S 8 (dark fighter 8) (1968 US) D/P: BURT TOPPER W: JAMES GORDON WHITE/WILLARD HYUCK/JOHN MILIUS/LARRY GORDON Christopher George is an undercover Fed in a southern road gang who liberates some prisoners to help him bust a moonshine operation run by Ralph Meeker. It’s not very good and even the car chases are dull. With Fabian, Ross Hagen, Larry Bishop, Joseph Turkel and Ron Rifkin. This is both Hyuck and Milus’ debut screen credit.

DEVIL’S EXPRESS See: THE DEVIL (1981)

THE DEVIL’S GARDEN See: IN THE DEVIL’S GARDEN [Illus.]

THE DEVIL’S GIFT (1984 US) D/W/P: KENNETH J. BERTON W: HAYDEN O’HARRA W/P: JOSÉ VERGELIN Very silly horror movie about a single parent father who slowly comes to realise that a little toy monkey with cymbals, that was given to his son as a gift, is in fact cursed and trying to kill his loved ones! The not-at-all scary trinket with glowing eyes even manages to cause an earthquake (!) during the climax. A condensed version (this is far too long as a feature) turned up as the second story in Berton’s anthology MERLIN’S SHOP OF WONDERS.

DEVIL’S HAND See: DEMONOID: MESSENGER OF DEATH

THE DEVIL-SHIP PIRATES (1964 UK) D: DON SHARP W: JIMMY SANGSTER P: ANTHONY NELSONKEYS Christopher Lee stars in this enjoyable pirate adventure movie from Hammer. With Andrew Keir, Michael Ripper, Ernest Clark and Harry Locke. Sharp also directed KISS OF THE VAMPIRE, among others.

THE DEVIL’S HONEY (dangerous obsession; divine obsession; il miele del diavalo) (1986 ITL SPN) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: JAIME JESUS BALEAZAR/LUDOVICA MARINO W/P: VINCENZO SALVIANI Sub-par Fulci copies 9 1/2 WEEKS and COLLECTOR’S ITEM (while probably inspiring Fulci’s good friend, Roman Polanski, and his DEATH AND THE MAIDEN). After her Mickey Rourke-esque, sax-playing boyfriend dies during surgery, Bianca Marsiallach (who was also in COLLECTOR’S ITEM) kidnaps doctor Brett Halsey, whose knife he died under. He’s tied up and forced to eat dog food and we get lots of flashbacks to Marsiallach’s erotic relationship with the dead man. It’s pretty boring. With Corinne Cléry and Fulci.

DEVILS IN MYKONOS See: ISLAND OF DEATH

DEVIL’S MASK See: BRUISER

DEVIL’S NIGHTMARE (nightmare of terror; vampire playgirls; castle of death; la notte piu lunga del diavolo; la plus longue nuit de diable; la terrificante notte del demonio) (1971 BEL ITL) D/W: JEAN BRISMÉE W: PATRICE RHOMA/ANDRE HUNEBELLE W/P: CHARLES LECOCQ P: ZEJKO KUNKERA/CLAUDIO RAINIS A minibus tour group lost in the mountains stay at a remote castle where an old Nazi lives and a beautiful female ghost is said to kill people. Characters do indeed die, sexy women lounge in their lingerie and there’s a suitably loopy Eurotrash twist ending. There’s death by guillotine and iron maiden. Erika Blanc stars, with Jean Servais, Lucien Raimbourg and Daniel Emilfork as Satan. It’s not really very good, but looks great, the blood is suitably bright and I kind of enjoyed watching it.

DEVILSPEAK See: EVILSPEAK

DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND (run of the dead) (2010 UK) D: MARK McQUEEN W/P: BART RUSPOLI P: FREDDIE HUTTON-MILLS/JONATHAN SOTHCOTT Some kind of experimental performance-enhancing medicine (to deal with the fast pace of modern life) is released to the public (Colin Salmon is the arsehole CEO responsible), but turns the subjects into infectious, superhuman flesh-eaters (fast zombies, basically). I quite liked the idea of a turbo-charged 28 DAYS LATER (unlike many stick-in-the-mud zombie “purists”), but the concept (and casting of free-runners as the infected) is wasted by hardly concentrating on the agile zombie angle at all. And the rest is tired, tedious drama and shouting. With Craig Fairbrass, Danny Dyer, MyAnna Buring, Jaime Murray and Sean Pertwee.

DEVIL’S PLAYTHING See: VAMPIRE ECSTASY

THE DEVIL’S RAIN (1975 US) D: ROBERT FUEST W: GABE ESSOE/JAMES ASHTON/GERALD HOPMAN P: JAMES V. CULLEN/MICHAEL S. GLICK This oddity starts with William Shatner seeing his own father melt. Shatner drives over to a small ranch with a book that a Satan-worshipping demon (in the guise of Ernest Borgnine!) wants, and bargains the book and his own soul for his family’s well-being (I think). Relative Tom Skerritt and cop Eddie Albert also end up in Borgnine’s barn of the devil until the title weather-change causes everyone to melt (not gorily, just like lots of oil paint). It didn’t make much sense and wasn’t very good, but I liked seeing Borgnine in his coven get-up. With Keenan Wynn, Ida Lupino, John Travolta (I remember finding a budget video with his name all over it as a kid, but he’s only just in it), Claudio Brook and Anton and Diane LaVey. Filmed in Durango, Mexico.

THE DEVIL’S SON-IN-LAW See: PETEY WHEATSTRAW

THE DEVIL’S SWORD (1984 INDO) D: RATUSAN FAGURANT LAINNTA W: IMAM TANTOWI P: GOPE T. SAMTANI This wild fantasy starring Indonesia’s prime exploitation star, Barry Prima, is a lot of fun. With a flying guillotine, crocodile men (“hmmm, crocodile men”) and a lot more to keep you thoroughly glued to your screen.

THE DEVIL’S TATTOO (ghost rig; ghost ocean) (2001 UK) D/W/P: JULIAN KEAN W/P: SALLY CHARLTON/BILL DALE/GRAEME CLAPPERTON Protesting eco-warriors smuggle themselves aboard an oil rig that’s about to be submerged as an artificial reef. They find the place abandoned, and evil possesses them one by one to kill. It copies THE THING and THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. And it’s shit. PARASITE was another crappy Brit horror with protestors on an abandoned oil rig.

DEVIL STORY (il était une fois… le diable) (1985 FRA) D/W: BERNARD LAUNOIS W: ALIN LECOMTE Begins with a bald, mutated figure stabbing people in the countryside. A man and a woman in their car get lost in the same area, she’s attacked by a cat and they spend the night at a big old castle hotel. There they are told a story about a galleon from Egypt that was shipwrecked on the coast. The story turns out to be true, so a mummy that bleeds blue goo ambles around. That mutant (and his mother) also returns to get kicked in the head by a horse. There’s also a female zombie (the same actress as the female traveller, in a different wig but with no living dead makeup). An old man spends ages trying to shoot a horse. This 75 mins of near-catatonic nonsense has some gore and a dumb, circular ending.

DEVIL’S VEIL See: DEMONS 5

THE DEVIL’S WEDDING NIGHT (il plenilunio delle vergini) (1973 ITL) D: “PAUL SOLVAY” (LUIGI BATZELLA) W: “RALPH ZUCKER” (MASSIMO PUPILLO)/“ALAN M. HARRIS” Mark Damon plays a couple of identical twins who both arrive at a castle in the Carpathian mountains to obtain a powerful, ancient ring for varying motives. The ring belongs to a countess (“Sara Bay” aka Rosalba Neri) who bathes in the blood of virgins to stay young, Bathorystyle. There’s some impressive atmosphere on display at times (“Joe D’Amato”, real name Aristide Massaccesi, was the cameraman), but it’s a mostly forgettable, old-fashioned horror quickie. Co-writer (and executive producer) “Zucker”/Pupillo made THE BLOODY PIT OF HORROR. Batzella also directed THE BEAST IN HEAT.

THE DEVIL THUMBS A RIDE (1946 US) D/W: FELIX FEIST P: HERMAN SCHLOM Murderous hold-up man Lawrence Tierney hitches a ride with a (drunk) guy on his way home to LA. They also pick up a couple of women (one is Nan Leslie), and stop off at a friend’s vacation home. More people die as the police (detective Harry Shannon, with the help of gas station attendant Andrew Tombes) track them (when they’re not playing poker). This 62 mins b/w release is just fine, a neat programmer that zips along, but seems to have garnered a somewhat puzzling cult following over the years. It’s no more special than dozens of others like it. Feist’s more essential work includes DELUGE and DONOVAN’S BRAIN. With William Gould, Josephine Whittell, Phil Warren, Harry Depp, Robert Malcolm, Arthur Q. Bryan, Dorothy Granger, Dick Elliott, Chuck Hamilton, Sarah Edwards, Perc Launders, Lee Phelps, Bert LeBaron, Minerva Urecal, Victor Potel and Dick Rush. Based on a novel by Robert C. DuSoe.

THE DEVIL WEARS CLODHOPPERS See: THIS STUFF’LL KILL YA!

THE DEVIL WITHIN HER (beyond the door; diabolica; chi sei?) (1974 ITL US) D/W: “OLIVER HELLMAN” (OVIDIO ASSONITIS)/“RICHARD BARRETT” (ROBERTO D’ETTORRE PIAZZOLI) W: ANTONIO TROISIO P: ENZO DORIA Despite some interesting or strange touches here and there, this EXORCIST “inspired” movie is pretty uneventful. Juliet Mills is the expectant mother of a demonic baby. She’s prone to Linda Blair-style profanity, vomiting and levitation. With Richard Johnson and Carla Mancini. The credits for the English-language version I saw referenced four names as script collaborators (I assume the English translation), one of them was Alex Rebar (THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN).

THE DEVIL WITHIN HER (I don’t want to be born; evil baby; it lives within her; sharon’s baby) (1975 UK) D: PETER SASDY W: STANLEY PRICE P: NORMA CORNEY A dwarf curses pregnant Joan Collins in this awful horror movie, a contender for the worst “cursed child” picture. Poor Donald Pleasence is in the cast, with Ralph Bates, Caroline Munro, Eileen Atkins and John Steiner.

THE DEVIL WITHIN HER (1976) See: THE DEVIL INSIDE HER

DEVI MAA (199? INDIA) D: RAMA NARAYAMA P: SANJESH AHUJA/RANJESH AHUJA I don’t have much information on this Tamil horror that I picked up in a Khmer-dubbed version (lacking English subtitles) on vcd in Cambodia. The fact that it’s two hours long and didn’t get boring even though I didn’t understand anything is obviously in its favour. From what I could guess, a woman’s baby girl is cursed by a sorceror who can transform into a big (computer generated) cobra. A goddess (Khali maybe?) helps fight the evil. A comic relief goon has his head knocked off by a ball and it flies around the room. A very cool giant fire-breathing skeleton (that makes Godzilla noises!) turns up at the end. The singing and dancing numbers are not bad, but nothing special (bar one interesting computer FX-laden sequence). With Senthil Vivek, Divya Unni and Char Anraj. Edit: I’ve noticed that there is a (Hindi-dubbed) dvd available now, with English subtitles (so a rewatch is on the cards). However, other sources all claim that it is a 2006 release (maybe that’s when the dvd came out), but my visit to Cambodia was in 2003, and the battered vcd I picked up looked a few years old. [Illus.]

DEVOURING WAVES See: MONSTER SHARK

DIABOLICAL DR. VOODOO See: THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED UP ZOMBIES!!?

DIABOLIQUE (the devils; les diaboliques) (1955 FRA) D/W/P: HENRI-GEORGES CLOUZOT W: JEROME GERONIMI/RENE MASSON/FREDERIC GRENDEL After THE WAGES OF FEAR Clouzot made another classic suspense film. Paul Meurisse is the mean, selfish headmaster of a boys’ boarding school whose new wife Vera Clouzot half-heartedly plots to kill. Fellow teacher and Meurisse hater Simone Signoret is the strongest of the murdering duo that drown him in the bath (with the help of poison). The body however, does not seem to want to stay in one place. The b/w DIABOLIQUE (which was based on Pierre Boileau and Thomas Narcejac’s novel) has lost a lot of its impact over the years, being ripped-off so often, but still has some knockout scenes. With Charles Vanel, Jean Brochad, Pierre Larquey, Michael Serrault, Noel Roquevert, Georges Chamarat, Robert Dalban, Jean Lefebvre and Jacques Hilling. Johnny Halliday is one of the young students! The first (unofficial) remake was THE CORPSE in 1970, followed by REFLECTIONS OF MURDER (1974), LES DEMONIAQUES (1991), HOUSE OF SECRETS (1993) and the big-budget Hollywood DIABLOIQUE in 1996. Another Boileau and Narcejac novel formed the basis for Hitchcock’s VERTIGO.

DIAL D FOR DEMONS (taan shiu hung chow; tan shao xiong shou) (2000 HK) D/P: BILLY TANG W/P: RICO CHUNG KAI CHEONG Jordan Chan, Joey Man, Terence Yin, Alice Chan, Winnie Leung and Lee Ann take a short break at a resort guest house. The ghost sensitive Chan warns of spirits before dying in a room from charcoal smoke inhalation (as a woman in the newspaper had done). The rest of them run around a lot and try to escape, but can’t. No thrills, no chills and very tame considering it comes from the director of the retarded rape classic RED TO KILL. Not recommended.

DIAL HELP (minaccia d’amore) (1988 ITL) D/W: RUGGERO DEODATO W: JOSEPH & MARY CAVARA/ FRANCO FERRINI P: GALIANO JUSO/GIOVANNI BERTOLUCCI Charlotte Lewis stars as a model in Rome who accidentally dials a wrong number one day and awakens some kind of spirit that stalks her via the phone! It kills those who seem a threat to her, so a would-be rapist is pelted to death by coins from a payphone slot. Actually come to think of it, it kills lots of other people who aren’t a threat, too, in this loopy misfire. The prize for the most laughable scene either goes to a POV shot of a phone stalking (!) its victim, or when Lewis gets aroused enough to rub a phone receiver over her body as wind blows through her hair! Aside from these and a premise that sounds like bad movie heaven, this is quite a chore to sit through. William Berger’s around long enough to explain it has something to do with energy reserves before his pacemaker explodes. With Carlo Monni, a menacing ceiling fan and a real sappy conclusion.

DIAL M FOR MURDER (1954 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: FREDERICK KNOTT Ray Milland plans to kill his wife Grace Kelly (who’s been having an affair with American mystery writer Robert Cummings) in this excellent, tense thriller from the master of suspense. John Williams is the wily detective who works everything out. It’s based on a play by Knott, so mostly takes place in one room. In rich Warnercolor (filmed in 3D, but mostly projected flat). With Anthony Dawson, Patrick Allen, Bess Flowers, Sam Harris, Harold Miller and Forbes Murray. It was filmed again in 1952, 1959, 1960 (twice), 1967, 1981, as the Hindi AITBAAR in 1985, and M in 1998.

THE DIAMOND (the diamond wizard) (1954 UK) D/W: “JONATHAN RIX” (DENNIS O’KEEFE) D: MONTGOMERY TULLY W: J.C. HIGGINS P: STEVEN PALLOS Director O’Keefe stars as an American Federal Treasury agent who comes to London to bust whoever is making synthetic forgeries of perfect diamonds. Local Scotland Yard Inspector Philip Friend helps him and love interest Margaret Sheridan (from THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD and I, THE JURY), whose scientist father is missing. Watchable but unremarkable programmer based on the novel Rich I, The Treasure by Maurice Procter (HELL IS A CITY [1960] was also based on one of his novels), it does include one good set piece on the escalator at St. John’s Wood tube station, and a fistfights-and-fire climax in a castle with a massive belching furnace that makes me wish there was a UK companion series to those Forgotten Horrors books (it’s right out of an old serial). A good castle miniature explodes, too. The car tailing relay is pretty unlikely, though. O’Keefe (who co-directed ANGELA the same year) is better remembered nowadays for the Anthony Mann movies T-MEN and RAW DEAL, but he was once popular enough to have his own shortlived sitcom (in 1959). Tully is only credited on the British print. This was also the first British film in 3D, by the way. With Alan Wheatley (Sherlock Holmes on tv in 1951), Francis DeWolff, Michael Balfour, Cyril Chamberlain, Gordon McLeod, Hugh Morton, Arthur Mullard and Colin Tapley. From Gibraltar Films.

DIAMOND MERCENARIES See: KILLER FORCE

DIAMONDS (diamond shaft; mr. diamond; yahlumin) (1975 ISR US) D/W/P: MENAHEM GOLAN W: DAVID PAULSEN Robert Shaw is good as twin brothers, one of whom is the designer of a Tel-Aviv diamond vault security system; while the other plans to rob it. Richard Roundtree and Barbara Hershey (credited as Barbara Seagull) are the accomplices. This heist movie is engrossing enough for the most part, but has a let-down of a conclusion. Shelley Winters is a loud tourist in Jerusalem. Yoram Globus (who formed Cannon with Golan) was a co-producer.

DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971 UK) D: GUY HAMILTON W: RICHARD MAIBAUM/TOM MANKIEWICZ P: ALBERT R. BROCCOLI/HARRY SALTZMAN After George Lazenby was in ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE, Sean Connery returned for this Bond. Its forgettable diamond smuggling plot is disregarded by fans as cliffhanger serial nonsense far from their beloved Fleming, but the end result is not-bad comic book-style hokum with some fun pulp imagery. It was the last really enjoyable Bond adventure for a while and the cast includes some great exploitation names: Bruce Cabot (KING KONG), Marc Lawrence, Bruce Glover and Sid Haig! With Bernard Lee, Desmon Llewelyn, Lois Maxwell, Charles Gray as Blofeld, Jimmy Dean, Jill St. John, Lana Wood (as Plenty O’Toole; “Named after your father, perhaps?” 007 retorts in groan-inducing splendour), Laurence Naismith, Ray Baker, Larry J. Blake, Valerie Perrine, Shane Rimmer, Henry Rowland and Tom Steele. Shirley Bassey sings the theme song. Connery would return to the role in 1983’s NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN. Meanwhile Bond fans had to put up with the skin-crawling Roger Moore, starting with LIVE AND LET DIE.

DIAMOND SHAFT See: DIAMONDS

THE DIAMOND WIZARD See: THE DIAMOND

DIARY OF A NUDIST (nature camp confidential) (1961 US) D/P: DORIS WISHMAN W: MELVIN STANLEY Wishman’s third feature is a forgettable, but delightfully laid back cheery and wholesome colour pro-nudist camp movie that manages to keep all the beaver and pickle out of sight (only topless is seen). The twee plot involves a female journalist who’s sent undercover at a nudist camp where everyone seems to have a fantastic time doing not much of anything, her boss hoping she’ll deliver a shocking exposé. Instead she writes about the virtues of sun-worshipping and gets herself fired. But the boss turns up at the nudist paradise (somehow getting away with wearing his shorts the whole time) to see the error of his ways and admit his love for her. Charming. Some footage was lifted from Wishman’s BLAZE STARR GOES NUDIST. Look for “Bunny” (Allison Louise) Downe, a frequent H.G. Lewis collaborator. Wishman made GENTLEMEN PREFER NATURE GIRLS next.

DIARY OF A SERIAL KILLER (rough draft) (1997 US) D: JOSHUA WALLACE W: JENNIFER BADHAM STEWART P: KANDICE KING/LANCE KING Gary Busey is an investigative “method” journalist with a flagging career. While investigating transvestites (unfortunately this allows Busey the opportunity to appear in drag, a horrible sight) he tapes cheerful serial killer Arnold Vosloo murdering a woman in an alley on his Dictaphone. Vosloo doesn’t kill him on the condition that he writes a book about his life. Michael Madsen is the cop on the case. Busey’s wife ends up in peril. A dumb waste of time, and Busey seems to be acting in a completely different movie.

DIARY OF FORBIDDEN DREAMS (what?; che?; quoi?; was?) (1972 ITL FRA W.GER) D/W: ROMAN POLANSKI W: GERARD BRACH P: CARLO PONTI Sydne Rome (looking cute in her bubbly perm, and frequently naked) is a naïve young backpacker who’s almost gang-raped in the Italian countryside. She escapes to the relative safety of a big seaside villa where several oddball characters are the guests of lecherous dying old man Hugh Griffith. Marcello Mastroianni dresses like a pirate and wears a tiger skin and wants to be whipped. Polanski is funny as Mosquito, a guy with a harpoon gun. With Grido Alberti, Carolo Delle Piane, Pietro Tordi, Dieter Hallevarden, Alvaro Vitali and Carla Mancini. It’s Polanski at his most pretentious for sure, but he gets away with it because it is entertaining and it is funny. It’s pitched somewhere between a Robin Askwith comedy and Luis Buñuel! Originally 112 mins, this review refers to the 94 mins English dub. But you’re lucky to find any copy of this rarity. (Note: Since this was written, a dvd has been released. Good.)

DIARY OF A SPACE VIRGIN See: SEXPLORER

THE DICKTATOR (1974 US) D: PERRY DELL W: WALT DAVIS P: MANUEL S. CONDE The American president has issued a pill that makes men all over the world impotent. Due to protests he sends out different “dicktator” agents who can still perform. Rene Bond makes “baah” noises for a South American sheep herder used to fucking his flock and a “fat Jap” gets it on with two “Chinese” women. Those are two examples of the unfunny and not-too-sexy action in this weird and somewhat disturbing 70s sexploitation relic. The overdone racial slurs are obviously tongue in cheek and not to be taken seriously, but this mess has no taste and can’t pull it off. A segment involving rape is completely out of place. With Uschi Digard. Dell also directed DEEP JAWS (1976), about nympho mermaids. Davis directed the demented hardcore SEX PSYCHO for Conde (who, by the way, also photographed this).

DICK TRACY (1937 US) D: RAY TAYLOR/ALAN JAMES W: BARRY SHIPMAN/WINSTON MILLER/ GEORGE MORGAN/MORGAN COX P: NAT LEVINE Ralph Byrd is Chester Gould’s FBI hero Dick Tracy for the first time in this quality 15-part serial from Republic. He’s in pursuit of The Spiders gang after a series of known criminals turn up dead with a spider symbol burned into their foreheads. The unseen “lame one” (he has a chronic limp) masterminds the criminals who have a flying wing and a destructive soundwave weapon. They kidnap Tracy’s brother and a mad hunchback scientist turns him into a mindless zombie with the face of Carleton Young. Great stuff! With Smiley Burnette, Kay Hughes, Francis X. Bushman, John Dilson, Wedgwood Nowell, Theodore Lynch, Edwin Stanley, Harrison Greene, Buddy Roosevelt, Byron Foulger, George De Normand, Roy Barcroft, Brooks Benedict, John Butler, Andre Cheron, Kernan Cripps, Lester Dorr, Al Ferguson, Sam Flint, Jack Gardner, Kit Guard, John Holland, I. Stanford Jolley, William Humphrey, Jane Keckley, Donald Kerr, Edward Le Saint, Walter Long, Wilfred Lucas, Bruce Mitchell, Monte Montague, Milburn Morante, Forbes Murray, Hal Price, Bob Reeves, Harry Strang, Al Taylor and Wally West. There’s a condensed feature version also. Byrd returned in three serial sequels (DICK TRACY RETURNS, DICK TRACY’S G-MEN and DICK TRACY VS. CRIME INC.), a couple of the 40s programmers and an early 50s tv series.

DICK TRACY, DETECTIVE (1945 US) D: WILLIAM A. BERKE W: ERIC TAYLOR P: HERMAN SCHLOM RKO made a series of four Tracy movies (based on Chester Gould’s comic strip character) in the 40s. Morgan Conway played the detective in the first two (this and DICK TRACY VS. CUEBALL) before Ralph Byrd (who had already been Tracy in four serials for Republic) returned to the role for the last two. Byrd is more often associated with Tracy, but Conway is not bad and his two films have a certain noirish edge to them with good hard-boiled characters. Splitface (Mike Mazurki) is the murdering villain in this one. With Lyle Latell, Joseph Crehan, Trevor Bardette, Morgan Wallace, Milton Parsons, William Halligan, Sam Ash, Gertrude Astor, Jack Chefe, Mary Currier, Ralph Dunn, Edythe Elliott, Franklyn Farnum, Jack Gargan, Mike Lally, Wilbur Mack, George Magrill, Bob Reeves, Harry Strang, Alphonse Martell, Jason Robards Sr. and the voice of Don Wilson.

DICK TRACY MEETS GRUESOME (dick tracy meets Karloff; dick tracy’s amazing adventure) (1947 US) D: JOHN RAWLINS W: ERIC TAYLOR/ROBERTSON WHITE/ROBERT E. KENT P: WILLIAM H. GRAFFIS Unremarkable but enjoyable slice of vintage b/w cops’n’robbers has Boris Karloff as Gruesome, a dangerous ex-con whose gang uses a gas that freezes people (the film stops) so they can rob banks. Ralph Byrd is Tracy in the last two of the series from 1947 (the other was DICK TRACY’S DILEMMA). With Jason Robards Sr., Joseph Crehan, Milton Parsons, Ernie Adams, Lex Barker, Eddie Borden, Robert Bray, Robert Clarke, Harry Strang, Burt Roach, Lee Phelps, William Gould, Harry Harvey, Tom Keene and George Lloyd.

DICK TRACY MEETS KARLOFF See: DICK TRACY MEETS GRUESOME

DICK TRACY ON MARS See: ALPHAVILLE

DICK TRACY’S AMAZING ADVENTURE See: DICK TRACY MEETS GRUESOME

DICK TRACY’S DILEMMA (mark of the claw) (1947 US) D: JOHN RAWLINS W: ROBERT STEPHEN BRODE P: HERMAN SCHLOM Ralph Byrd takes over from Morgan Conway as Tracy in this no better but passable third entry in the series. Jack Lambert is “the claw”, part of a gang that steals valuable furs. He kills with his claw hand attachment. With Lyle Latell, Ian Keith, Al Bridge, Jimmy Conlin, William B. Davidson, Tom Keene, Wade Crosby, William Gould, Harry Harvey, Tom London, Charles Marsh, Frank Mills, Harry Strang and Jason Robards Sr. The final, most memorable entry in the series was DICK TRACY MEETS GRUESOME.

DICK TRACY VS. CUEBALL (1946 US) D: GORDON (M.) DOUGLAS W: LUCI WARD/DAVE LUSSIER/ ROBERT E. KENT P: HERMAN SCHLOM Morgan Conway returns as Tracy for the second (and final) time. Dick Wessel is the recently paroled diamond thief and strangler Cueball (he has a bald head). Not bad programmer. With Lyle Latell, Anne Jeffreys, Ian Keith, Rita Corday, Esther Howard, Joseph Crehan, Byron Foulger, Milton Parsons, Trevor Bardette, Jack Cheatham, Harry Cheshire, Ralph Dunn, Kit Guard, William Newell, Jason Robards Sr., Skelton Knaggs, Max Wagner and Phil Warren. Ralph Byrd was Tracy in the third entry, DICK TRACY’S DILEMMA.

DICTATOR OF THE CITY See: CAPITOL GREAT WAR

DIE ANOTHER DAY (2002 UK US) D: LEE TAMAHORI W: NEAL PURVIS/ROBERT WADE P: BARBARA BROCCOLI/MICHAEL G. WINSLOW I’m not the best person to review a James Bond film because (apart from when I was a kid) I fucking can’t stand them (first few entries excluded). This is just more of the same shit if you ask me, with added FX and CGI nonsense. Pierce Brosnan is Bond again, Halle Berry the Bond girl. With Toby Stephens, Judi Dench, John Cleese, Rosamund Pike, Michael Madsen, Will Yun Lee, Kenneth Tsang, Colin Salmon, Samantha Bond, Rachel Grant, Somon Andreu, Stuart Ong (Yung Sai-Kit) and Madonna (who sings the theme song). It was filmed in the UK, Iceland, Hawaii and South Korea. Daniel Craig became the new Bond for CASINO ROYALE (2006).

DIE HARD (1988 US) D: JOHN McTIERNAN W: JEB STUART/STEVEN E. DE SOUZA P: LAWRENCE GORDON/ JOEL SILVER Terrorists led by Alan Rickman invade a 40-storey LA high-rise and hold hostages there on Christmas Eve. Bruce Willis is a hard-working, wisecracking New York cop who single-handedly battles the bad guys, in a vest. This hit based on a novel by Roderick Thorp is good, spawned sequels and became one of the most copied features of all-time. With Bonnie Bedelia, Alexander Godunov, William Atherton, James Shigeta, Robert Davi, Hart Bochner, Terri Lynn Doss, Kym Malin, Grand L. Bush, Wilhelm Von Homburg and Paul Gleason. The cinematographer was Verhoeven regular and future director Jan De Bont. Thorp’s original novel (1979’s Nothing Lasts Forever) was actually a prequel to the novel that became the 1968 Frank Sinatra vehicle THE DETECTIVE. Both films changed the main protagonist from private eye to a cop.

DIE HARD 2: DIE HARDER (1990 US) D: RENNY HARLIN W: DOUG RICHARDSON/STEVEN E. DE SOUZA P: LAWRENCE GORDON/JOEL SILVER/CHARLES GORDON Bruce Willis returns as John McClane in this bigger, more expensive sequel that’s almost as good as the first one. Terrorists take over Washington, D.C., airport (kind of) and guide passenger planes to their death unless Franco Nero is released from prison. Lots of action and an annoying WWII vet character who cheerfully says things like “just like Iwo Jima”. With Bonnie Bedelia, William Atherton, John Amos, William Sadler, Dennis Franz, John Leguizamo, Art Evans, Robert Patrick, Tom Bower, Sheila McCarthy, Vondie Curtis-Hall, Mark Boone Jr, Colm Meaney, Robert Costanzo, Tony Ganios and Watergate lawyer Fred D. Thompson. Based on Walter Wager’s 1987 novel 58 Minutes.

DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE (1995 US) D/P: JOHN McTIERNAN W: JONATHAN HENSLIEGH P: MICHAEL TADROSS This time rollerblading Jeremy Irons keeps Willis on his toes by making him do stuff like stand in the middle of Harlem wearing a “I hate niggers” sandwichboard and setting near-impossible deadlines for bombs that need defusing all over New York City. Pretty exciting stuff, but the ending could have been handled better. Samuel L. Jackson co-stars, with Graham Greene, Colleen Camp, Anthony Peck, John Doman, Gerry Becker, John Hoyt and Dick Durock. Followed by DIE HARD 4.0 (2007).

DIE, MONSTER, DIE! (monster of terror) (1965 US UK) D: DANIEL HALLER W: JERRY SOHL P: PAT GREEN American Nick Adams arrives in England to see a girl. She lives with her wheelchair-bound father Boris Karloff in a big old house the locals try to ignore. Karloff tries to get rid of Adams while his bedridden wife (Freda Jackson) sits in darkness and begs Adams to take her daughter away. It turns out that Karloff is keeping the remains of a meteor in the cellar, and the glowing stone is causing mutations in plants and animals. A weird squid-like monster is briefly seen (“it looks like a zoo in Hell”). The bizarre ending to this uneven adaption of H.P. Lovecraft’s The Color Out of Space (later adapted for THE CURSE) has a double for Karloff running around glowing with a mutated face. Patrick Magee appears briefly as the alcoholic village doctor. With Leslie Dwyer. It was Haller’s directorial debut for AIP, a company he’d already worked at for years as an art director. His second Lovecraft adaption was THE DUNWICH HORROR.

DIE SCREAMING, MARIANNE (1970 UK) D/P: PETE WALKER W: MURRAY SMITH Susan George is a nightclub dancer who’s hunted by ruthless gangsters after her wealthy father’s fortune in this really bad thriller from the director of FRIGHTMARE. With Leo Genn and Barry Evans. “Piss off judge.”

DIE SISTER, DIE! (the companion) (1972 US) D/P: RANDALL HOOD W: TONY SAWYER/WILLIAM HERSEY Jack Ging wants his ageing sister dead so he can inherit the family wealth. He hires a former nurse-turned-waitress to be her companion and to make sure she offs herself. There’s also a missing sister and something in the basement in this predictable and formulaic psychodrama. The best part is a dream sequence with the word “bitch” repeated over and over and a severed head that shatters when thrown against a wall. Kent Smith is the suspicious local doctor (and that’s his real-life wife as Ging’s sister).

DIGGIN’ UP BUSINESS (1989 US) D/P: TOM PARDEW D: MARK BYERS W: TIM MINEAR P: BOB MYERS/RICK EYE Lynn-Holly Johnson (from Bond movie FOR YOUR EYES ONLY) is running a family funeral home while her grandfather is away on vacation (he has a heart attack on the beach, and the gag that follows is truly stretched to breaking point). A life-long friend, who can’t admit that he loves her (David Michael O’Neill from DEMONWARP), is trying to beat an audit that has discovered a discrepancy in the amount of bodies buried. This is an attempt at a (PG-rated) bad-taste screwball comedy, with the premise that specialist funerals are a means of making quick cash and saving the business. To this end, a corpse is shot from a cannon, one service has a burlesque theme, a dead stripper pops from a cake (!) etc. Billy Barty (who is funny in anything, even this) and Murray Langston (aka The Unknown Comic) are Hope and Crosby (so named, I guess, in a futile attempt to make us think they are just like that beloved comic duo. Fat chance. This Hope and Crosby served together in several unfunny comedies around the same time; another was WISHFUL THINKING). Hope and Crosby make pizza in the crematorium (and offer pretty much the only halfway decent gag, a visual reference to CITIZEN KANE). Linnea (Quigley) is a ditzy makeup girl. Other weirdo customer parts are filled by Ruth Buzzi, Yvonne Craig, Nita Talbot, Dawn Wildsmith and Gary Owens (known for being on Laugh-In with Buzzi, but more importantly was the voice of Powdered Toast Man on Ren & Stimpy, and the mighty Space Ghost) makes a last-minute cameo as a wedding minister. Truly dismal and devoid of laughs on every level. Johnson (who’s given a “hilarious” long Greek family name) tries hard, but she lacks comic timing, but it’s not as if she has much to work with anyway. Which brings us to Tom Pardew (executive producer), whose story Weirdo Funeral this is based on, who gave himself the part of Johnson’s annoying older boyfriend and love rival of O’Neill (who wears makeup, hysterical!!). He also wrote the dreadful theme tune and (reading between the lines) re-edited Byers’ cut (which can’t have been any less amusing, surely). Stay very far away from it. MORTUARY ACADEMY was a more adult-appeal variation from around the same time.

DIGITAL MASTER See: FLASH FUTURE KUNG FU

DILEMMA (1997 US) D: “ALLAN SMITHEE” (ERIC LARSEN) W: CHUCK CONAWAY/IRA ISRAEL P: ERIC LOUZIL/COLIN BATES Dangerous death row inmate Danny Trejo (who should be in better films) escapes en route to a hospital where an orphaned little girl needs his bone marrow transplanted (like in DESPERATE MEASURES). Cop C. Thomas Howell is out to catch him, but can’t kill him, as much as he wants to, for the little girl’s sake. This thriller is better than you might expect from the plot synopsis and Smithee credit, but not really worth seeing. With Richard Riehl, David “shark” Fralick, John Capodice and Marc Blucas. Producer Louzil (whose name may be familiar to some of you from Troma releases) may have directed some of it.

DILLINGER (1945 US) D: MAX NOSSECK W: PHILIP YORDAN/WILLIAM CASTLE (uncredited) P: FRANK KING/MAURICE KING Lawrence Tierney is John Dillinger in this excellent hard-boiled Monogram hit. It made him a star, but he was still in and out of prison in real-life. With Edmund Lowe, Anne Jeffreys, Eduardo Ciannelli, Elisha Cook Jr., Marc Lawrence, Bob Perry, Hugh Prosser, Dewey Robinson, Lee “Lasses” White, Ludwig Stossel, William B. Davidson, Selmer Jackson, Victor Kilian, Walter Long, Jack Mulhall and bank robbery footage from Fritz Lang’s YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE. Other Nosseck/Tierney features were THE HOODLUM (1951) and KILL OR BE KILLED (1952).

DILLINGER (1973 US) D/W: JOHN MILIUS P: BUZZ FETISHANS If you thought the 40s version was a good, hard-boiled crime story and Tierney was a good lead (all of which is true), you should see this surprisingly unrecognised crime classic with Warren Oates (who’s perfect) as Dillinger. Ben Johnson is Melvin Purvis and Richard Dreyfuss is Baby Face Nelson. With Harry Dean Stanton, Geoffrey Lewis, Cloris Leachman, Michelle Phillips, John P. Ryan, Steve Kanaly, Roy Jenson and Reed Morgan. Milius’ directorial debut comes highly recommended.

DINNER PARTY (1945 US) D/P: EDWARD C. SIMMEL W: JOSEPH E. JOHNSTON This 23 mins b/w social guidance flick is a good example of how insane classroom education films could be. This one is about manners and etiquette. You can’t help but shake your head in disbelief and laugh as teens around a dinner table can’t just relax and have a good time as a narrator constantly picks up on the smallest of “mistakes” they make. Hilarious, and somewhat disturbing.

DINOCROC (2004 US) D: KEVIN O’NEILL W: FRANCES DOEL/DAN ACRE/JOHN HUCKERT P: DAMIAN AKHAVI A prehistoric crocodile is hatched in a lab due to Accelerated Growth Technology and escapes. Joanna Pacula is the head of the research team trying to cover it up, while sculptor Matt Borlenghi, his animal control officer ex (Jane Longnecker), her sheriff dad (Charles Napier) and an Australian crocodile hunter (Costas Mandylor) track the digital FX beast. It’s a bit of a surprise when Borlenghi’s little brother dies a gory death, but otherwise this is a boringly routine retread of executive producer Roger Corman’s CARNOSAUR. With Bruce Weitz, Ric Srabia, Max Perlich and Jennifer Sielad. From New Concorde.

DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR (2010 US) D/W: “JAY ANDREWS” (JIM WYNORSKI) W: MIKE MacLEAN P: BROOKS KEPHART Corporate villain David Carradine (in one of his final roles) insists that scientists at his remote top secret Hawaiian research lab inject a crocodile and an alligator (!) with some gunk. Lo and behold, two giant reptiles (the croc on hind legs, like its prehistoric ancestors, for some illogical reason) escape and CGI-menace inhabitants of the island (usually women in bikinis). A goon squad try to cover it up while nice guy spy John Callahan and cute blonde Fish and Game cop Amy Rasimas try to sort it out. It’s not as bad as it could have been, but that’s hardly a compliment. It has nothing to do with DINOCROC or SUPERGATOR. With Delia Sheppard and a reference to executive producer Roger Corman’s SHE GODS OF SHARK REEF (Corman’s New Horizons released this).

DINOSAUR BABES (dino wars) (1996 US) D/W: BRETT PIPER P: GEORGE BARNES Piper’s interesting stop-motion dinosaurs are the only good thing about this meandering, more or less plotless caveman comedy (with an electro soundtrack). The potentially interesting theme of UFOs having landed in the Stone Age is wasted.

DINOSAUR FIELD See: SUPERGATOR

DINOSAUR PANIC See: DINOSAUR VALLEY GIRLS

DINOSAUR VALLEY GIRLS (dinosaur panic) (1996 US) D/W: DONALD F. GLUT P: KEVIN M. GLOVER Out-of-shape action movie star Jeff Rector has daydreams about prehistoric women in loincloths. During a visit to a museum where a white haired William Marshall (BLACULA) is curator, he makes a wish on a talisman and wakes up in “Dinosaur Valley”. We don’t see much of the wasted animated dinosaurs, but do see a lot of crappy comedy concerning warring male and female tribes of cave dwellers. The men are led by Ed Fury (from 60s Italian musclemen movies, like URSUS) and the women’s elder is Karen Black (still looking great!). There’s a definite anti-smoking message and a dance number to a lousy rock song (Jurassic Punk). I saw the “adult” director’s cut version of this fanboy slop with nudity (including a topless Griffin Drew), but it also exists in a family version, so you can bore your kids to death, too! With Donna Spangler and a cameo from Forrest J. Ackerman.

DINO WARS See: DINOSAUR BABES

DIPLOMATIC SIEGE See: ENEMY OF MY ENEMY

THE DIRT GANG (1972 US) D: JERRY JAMESON W: WILLIAM MERCER/MICHAEL C. HEALY P: JOSEPH E. BISHOP Paul Carr leads a biker gang who kill a gas station attendant and a cop before roaring off into the desert. They find a film crew on a western set and harass them until an ex-biker stuntman takes part in a joust type duel (which predates KNIGHTRIDERS by nine years). Not bad low-budget affair from uncredited executive producer Roger Corman. With Michael Forest, Michael Pataki, Hal England, Billy Benedict and Uschi Digart.

THE DIRTIEST GAME (IN THE WORLD) (1968 US) D: JAMES BRYAN/TITUS MOEDE (uncredited) Titus Moore (Titus Moede/Moody, from several Ray Dennis Steckler films) stars as a political candidate who explores the hippy lifestyle in the name of research, so he can get the important hippy vote. Meaning, he ignores his alcoholic wife while balling hippy chicks at orgies. This pretty odd sexploitation movie (that’s worth watching) begins as a farce (with fairly explicit sex scenes for the time), gets largely plotless for a while, and then bounces back with a disturbing, bloody suicide and satirical surprise ending. With Coleman (BEAST FROM YUCCA FLATS) Francis! I saw a 65 mins version, which I assume is what it looked like in 68. It was rereleased in 71 and 75 with additional wraparound footage of Titus (who name-drops Sam Peckinpah). Bryan later directed DON’T GO IN THE WOODS.

DIRTY GAMES (1989 S.AFR) D/W: GRAY HOFMEYR W: DAVID GILMAN P: ALBIE VENTER/ ROY SARGEANT A woman searches for her father’s killer during some kind of radiation containment demonstration in the desolate African desert. Jan-Michael Vincent is the molecular scientist holding the demo. It’s supposed to be a “thriller”, but is guaranteed to send you to sleep. Based on Geoffrey Jenkins’ novel In Harm’s Way.

DIRTY HARRIETT See: SUDDEN DEATH

DIRTY HARRY (1971 US) D/P: DON SIEGEL W: HARRY JULIAN FINK/RITA M. FINK/DEAN RIESNER/ JOHN MILLIUS (uncredited) This just gets better with age. Clint Eastwood is misanthropic San Francisco police inspector “Dirty” Harry Callahan (a character nicely subversive and politically incorrect here, who became more reactionary and less cool in later sequels). He is after Scorpio, a psycho who shoots people from rooftops, and who buries one girl alive (all of which is modelled on real-life crime cases, notably the Zodiac Killer). Andrew Robinson plays him with frightening intensity. With Reni Santoni as his new partner, Harry Guardino, John Vernon, John Mitchum, Woodrow Parfrey, Richard Lawson, Josef Sommer, Debra Lee Scott, Albert Powell and Siegel. Lalo Schifrin’s fine score is used sparingly. Bruce Surtees’ location photography is top-notch. MAGNUM FORCE was the first sequel. As good as HARRY is, Siegel’s crime classic is CHARLEY VARRICK (also with Robinson).

DIRTY HO (lan tou he) (1979 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG W: I. KUANG P: MONA FONG/RUN RUN SHAW Gordon Liu Chia Hui is an arts and antiques dealer who blackmails young thief Wong Yu to become his disciple. In one of the best kung fu films ever made, we know no more than that until midway through we discover that Liu is one of the Emperor’s 14 Princes and someone is out to kill him and claim the throne. Assassination attempt highlights include a wine tasting with Johnny Wang Lung Wei and a look at Wilson Tong’s antique collection. But the breathtaking final reel features Wong and Liu (now in a wheelchair) defeating a small army with bow and arrow, swords and spears, before a showdown with Lo Lieh. Masterful choreography (by Liu Chia Liang), and an engaging story with an impressive element of mystery and goofball comedy that doesn’t grate. Absolutely essential. With Hsiao Ho, Kara Hui Ying Hung, Shum Lo, Cheng Miu, Yeung Chia Hing, Jamie Luk, Tang Chia, Wai Wang (the director of 1985’s LEWD LIZARD), Wong Ching Ho and Chan Lung.

DIRTY MARY, CRAZY LARRY (1974 US) D: JOHN HOUGH W: LEIGH CHAPMAN/ANTONIO SANTEAN P: NORMAN T. HERMAN Stockcar racer Peter Fonda and his mechanic Adam Roarke rob the safe at Roddy McDowall’s supermarket. Susan George is their unwelcome passenger as they try to outrun the cops (including the always grumpy Vic Morrow in a helicopter). This excellent, exciting car chase movie is based on Richard Unekis’ novel The Chase and has great characters and dialogue to go along with the action and stunts. With Kenneth Tobey, Bob Minor and a really unexpected ending. Hough made it between THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE and Disney’s ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN (1975). Chapman’s previous credit was cowriting OCTAMAN. Santean directed the experimental THE GLASS CAGE (1964) and Herman made TOKYO AFTER DARK (1959), which ended up as part of the exposé MONDO TEENO (1967).

THE DIRTY MOB See: THE CAULDRON OF DEATH

DIRTY MONEY See: CRASH (1995)

THE DIRTY SEVEN See: EMANUELLE, QUEEN OF THE DESERT

A DIRTY SHAME (2004 US) D/W: JOHN WATERS P: TED HOPE/CHRISTINE VACHON “Neuters” (sexually repressed moralists) vs uninhibited sex addicts in this Waters offering which may not rank among his best, but is the man at his most delightfully silly. Tracey Ullman is the frumpy Baltimore housewife who won’t give her husband (Chris Isaak) any until she’s hit on the head and becomes a nympho “cunnilingus bottom”. Ray Ray (JACKASS’s Johnny Knoxville) is a sex guru who introduces her to the area’s other resident perverts (adult baby, filth fetishist etc.). Mink Stole is one of the disgusted locals who spearhead a “decency” campaign. Selma Blair wears some incredibly oversized prosthetic tits as the Chesty Morgan-inspired Ursula Udders. Like the classic PECKER, there’s some choice dialogue that you won’t all catch on first viewing. With Patty Hearst, Mary Vivian Pearce, Jean Hill, David Hasselhoff as you won’t expect to see him, Ricki Lake on her tv chat show and some great montages utilising clips from old nudie flicks (note Buck Kartalian as the Devil in THE ACID EATERS).

DIRTY WEEKEND (1993 UK) D/W/P: MICHAEL WINNER W: HELEN ZAHARI P: ROBERT EARL Bella (Lin Williams, who narrates) seems to only encounter scumbag men. She moves to Brighton to get away from it all, only to be harassed by a misogynist neighbour (Rufus Sewell) via phone. After visiting a clairvoyant, she decides she’s had enough of being a victim and fights back. She hammers Sewell’s head in, and proceeds to get dolled-up to seduce and execute more chauvinists. She suffocates a fat man with a plastic bag, runs over dentist David McCallum with his car (after couging up a mouthload of his cum) and guns down three lads harassing a homeless woman (one is Sean Pertwee, another is “Mike” from The Young Ones, Christopher Ryan!). She eventually dispatches a notorious local rapist and killer. I’m not sure what Zahari expected from Winner adapting her feminist book, but it can’t have been this cartoonish, silly DEATH WISH gender-switch (that doesn’t really work as outrageous exploitation, either). Also with Ian Richardson and Sylvis Sims.

A DIRTY WESTERN (1975 US) D/W: “DAVID FLEETWOOD” (JOSEPH F. ROBERTSON) P: MICHAEL DASSIN A trio of mean escaped convicts kidnap three young girls from a ranch and rape them on the run. The mother and father track them. This hardcore sex western is surprisingly good, with a great revenge ending.

DISASTER See: TRAMPS

DISASTER ON THE COASTLINER (1979 US) D: RICHARD SARAFIAN W: DAVID AMBROSE P: FRANK VON ZERNECK Paul L. Smith sabotages the LA to San Francisco computerised Amtrak so that two trains (one with the Vice-President’s wife on-board, but that particular subplot is left dangling quite soon) will collide. William Shatner is a thief and womaniser (he woos Yvette Mimieux) who becomes a reluctant hero, and Lloyd Bridges shouts a lot (as he later parodied in AIRPLANE!). With Raymon Burr, Robert Fuller, Pat Hingle, E.G. Marshall, Lane Smith, Michael Pataki and Peter Jason. Surprisingly lame and non-kinetic tv disaster movie from the director of 1971’s classic VANISHING POINT. It was actually shot in Connecticut.

DISASTERS: ANATOMY OF DESTRUCTION (maniac shock) (1987 US) D: JAMES FORSHER W: MAYRA LINARES P: MICHAEL SWARTZ/ERIC PARKINSON George Kennedy is your host for this tape with a confused agenda. The majority of it is real-life footage of nuclear blasts, the devastation of war, natural disasters etc. But for some reason they also show the original BLOOD FEAST trailer in its entirety (with William Kerwin intro). Other film clips chosen to illustrate points are from THE LOST WORLD and THE COCAINE FIENDS! I guess they must have all been public domain titles at the time.

THE DISCARNATES (summer with ghosts; ijin tachi to no natsu) (1998 JPN) D: NOBUHIKO OBAYASHI W: SHINICHI ICHIKAWA P: KIYOSHI HIGUCHI Burntout divorcee tv drama writer Morio Kanzama visits the Asakusa district of Tokyo where he was born one summer. He meets his long dead father and mother and finds long-lost comfort and happiness in their company. This adaptation of a novel by Taichi Yamada is a very good supernatural drama with an affectionate resonance for things past, but it also adds a darker subplot that comes as bit of a surprise. Another interesting and original flick from the director of cult classic HOUSE (1977). Kumiko Akiyoshi and Tsurutaro Katoka are the parents. With Yuko Nattori, Atsuko Kawata, Takashi Sasano, Gonemaru Katsura, Toru Minegishi, Yukihiro Takahashi, Toshiyuki Nagashima, Nadao Kirino, GODZILLA director Ishiro Honda as a shopkeeper, Bengal as a confused taxi driver and Riki Takeuchi on tv during the opening credits.

THE DISCIPLES (1999 US) D: “ALLAN SMITHEE” (KIRK WONG) W: DON MICHAEL PAUL/ROGER GARCIA/ JOHN JAMES McGUIRE P: JOHN PERRIN FLYNN After THE BIG HIT, Wong made this terrible tv series pilot that never got any further, thank God. Ice T is a “sensei”, who trains a bunch of youngsters (including Eva Mendes, Greg Lauren and Wil Yun Lee) martial arts so they can take missions that make the world a better place. In this case they have to keep a South American baseball pitcher from being assassinated. When they’re in action it’s all tiresome FX and wirework. But it’s mostly talk and what I think is supposed to be comic relief. Another impressive addition to the Ice T filmography.

DISCIPLES OF DEATH See: MEN FROM THE MONASTERY

DISCIPLES OF MASTER KILLER See: THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN

DISCIPLES OF SHAOLIN (invincible one; hung kuen siu ji; hong quan xiao ji) (1975 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW Fu Sheng is the bumbling yet talented martial artist bumpkin who arrives in the city on a search for his old friend. The filmmakers incorpoate a new pair of shoes and pocketwatch for their symbolism, in this influential and critically acclaimed mob drama/kung fu movie that shows how Sheng is wilfully duped into becoming a loyal lackey with zero self-esteem and integrity. Although dated, it’s still a vital piece of martial arts cinema history, with a story that can be traced to CHINATOWN KID (also with Fu Sheng) and THE BAREFOOT KID. Liu Chia Liang was the choreographer. With Chi Kwan Chun, Kong Do, Fung Hak On, Lo Dik, Stephan Yip Tin Hang, Lam Fai Wong, Jamie Luk, Brandy Yuen, Huang Ha, Yuen Shun-Yi, Cheung Yee Kwai, Wong Wing Sang, Dang Tak Cheung, Ma Chin Ku, Chui Fat and Chiu Chung Hei.

DISCIPLES OF SHAOLIN TEMPLE (siu lam gu dai ji) (1985 HK) D: HUA SHAN W: CHEUNG CHOY CHEE P: CHU MU This routine tale of young men becoming Shaolin monks has nothing new to offer, but is not bad. From the director of INFRAMAN.

DISCO GODFATHER See: THE AVENGING GODFATHER

DISCREET CHARM OF THE BOURGEOISIE (el discreto encantode la burguesia; il fascino discreto della borghesia; le charme discret de la bourgeoise) (1972 FRA ITL SPN) D/W: LUIS BUÑUEL W: JEAN CLAUDE CARRIERE P: SERGE SILBERMAN Buñuel extended some of the ideas in his classic THE EXTERMINATING ANGEL to make this even better one-of-a-kind masterpiece. Difficult to explain on paper, it’s roughly about a collection of powerful figures marching endlessly along a road oblivious to the chaos around them while trying to enjoy a dinner party that’s constantly interrupted. See, I told you it wouldn’t sound good on paper! But do yourself a favour and check out this ahead-of-its-time surreal, satirical wonder, it really is essential viewing. Fernando Rey stars, with Delphine Seyrig, Jean-Pierre Cassel, Stephane Audran, Bulle Ogier, Paul Frankeur, Julien Maistre, Michel Piccoli, Georges Douking, Jean Degrave, Sebastien Floche, Robert Le Beal, Bernard Musson, Jacques Rispal and Amparo Soler Leal.

DISTURBED (1990 US) D/W: CHARLES WINKLER W: EMERSON BIXBY P: BRAD WYMAN A manhating, paranoid model (Pamela Gidley) is the new patient at a mental hospital run by rapist Malcolm McDowell. He injects her with drugs so he can fuck her, but she suffers an allergic reaction and dies. She returns to haunt him in this energetic but silly and pointless movie from the director of YOU TALKIN’ TO ME? (1987) The interesting-to-watch cast includes Geoffrey Lewis, Clint Howard (whose dick has a POV shot), Priscilla Pointer, big Irwin Keyes and director Adam Rifkin (screenwriter Bixby also does a turn). Suspicions that it’s a time-wasting indulgence is confirmed by the ending when the director yells “cut” and the movie ends.

DISTURBING BEHAVIOUR (brain wash) (1998 US) D: DAVID NUTTER W; SCOTT MICHAEL ROSENBERG/ HOWARD GORDON (uncredited) P: ARMYAN BERNSTEIN/JONATHAN SHESTACK James Marsden looks too old to be the new teenage kid in town (the sight of him waiting outside a shop unable to buy beer is laughably unconvincing), but this uncredited remake of THE STEPFORD CHILDREN is ok (at least for the first half). The Blue Ribbons are perfect robot pupils who malfunction when horny. Nick Stahl is good as a rebellious stoner who’s transformed into one of them after a committee decides that he “spends too much time listening to rock music and masturbating”. With Katie Holmes, Steve Railsback, Bruce Greenwood, William Sadler (who gets to say “hey teacher, leave your kids alone”), Ethan Embry, A.J. Buckley, Jay Brazeau, Carly Pope, John B. Destry, Gillian Barber, Daniella Evangelista, Doug Abrahams, Stephen E. Miller, Dee Jay Jackson, Fulvio Cecere, Larry Musser, imagery from A CLOCKWORK ORANGE and a good surprise opening scene (“slut”).

DIVA (1981 FRA) D/W: JEAN JACQUES BEINEIX W: JEAN VAN HAMME P: IRENE SILBERMAN Slick, stylish but very slow, ponderous and arty thriller involving corrupt cops, an opera diva, bootleg recordings and a music cassette macguffin. There’s one good subway chase scene for action fans, but the rest is for arthouse bores. With Roland Bertin, Rivhard Bohringer, Gerard Darmon, Dominique Pinion, Jean Jacques Moreau, Anny Romand, Etienne Draber, Laure Duthilleul, Gabriel Gobin, Brigitte Lahaie and Dominique Besrehard. Beineix is known for his BETTY BLUE (1986).

DIVINE EMANUELLE See: LOVE CAMP

THE DIVINE ENFORCER (the deadly avenger) (1991 US) D/W: ROBERT RUNDLE W: RANDALL FRAKES/ TANYA YORK P: SCOTT PFEIFFER In this brain rotting oddity, Michael M. Foley is the new crime-fighting priest in town who asks sinners to repent before offing them with crucifix daggers and a gun. Erik Estrada, Jan-Michael Vincent and Jim Brown have nothing to do. But Don Stroud is over-the-top as a creep who eats cornflakes from a skull and captures women to drain their blood. Another (unconvincing) half-rotted skull taunts him and has swirly, glowing eyes. What the hell were they thinking? With Robert Z’Dar and Scott Shaw.

DIVINE OBSSESSION See: THE DEVIL’S HONEY

DIVINE TRASH (1998 US) D/W/P: CLIFF YEAGER W: KEVIN HEFFERMAN P: CINDY MILLER This documentary is priceless for John Waters fans, but I recommend the uninitiated to watch his early films first. Lots of ground has already been covered in Waters’ own book Shock Value, but this really puts it all in context and shows how influential Waters’ work has been. People interviewed who clarify this are H.G. Lewis, the Kuchar brothers, Bill Landis, Ken Jacobs, Paul Morrissey (who also deserves a documentary like this), Jonas Mekas, Jim Jarmusch, Richard Kern, David O. Russell, Hal Hartley and Robert Shaye from New Line. Waters regulars Mink Stole, Pat Moran, Mary Vivian Pierce, Vince Peranio and Van Smith get to say some words (as well as Waters himself), and there’s older interview footage with David Lochary, Edith Massey, and, of course, Divine (who gets his own segment). They also interviewed ex-Maryland film censor and Waters hater Mary Avar for some great negative comments, Steve Buscemi (who just recites a Shock Value anecdote), some psychoanalysts who simplistically evaluate Waters’ work and Waters’ own parents and brother. New facts that I did learn were that Waters had been in the audience for The Howdy Doody Show as a child, that one of his early puppet shows was based on THE TINGLER, and you finally get to see the legendary tv spot for Mr. Ray’s Wig World (there was once a band named after it, if I remember correctly). The other highlight for fanatics, I guess, is the behind-the-scenes filming of PINK FLAMINGOS footage. Other (very brief) film clips (or just stills) are from FLAMING CREATURES (1963), LILI (1953), BLOOD FEAST, SINS OF THE FLESHAPOIDS, HOLD ME WHEN I’M NAKED (1966), DEEP THROAT and STREET CORNER (1948). Oh, I forgot to mention the footage from the short THE DIANE LINKLETTER STORY (1970) and the unfinished “Dorothy The Kansas City Pothead”, and an interview (in silhouette) with “the singing arsehole”. Nothing after PINK FLAMINGOS is covered, but it ends with footage from the set of PECKER. Apparently Kenneth Anger and Russ Meyer declined to be interviewed.

DIVORCING JACK (1998 UK FRA) D: DAVID CAFFREY W: COLIN BATEMAN P: ROBERT COOPER David Thewlis is an alcohol-soaked journalist in Belfast who gets caught up in a political conspiracy involving the IRA in this entertaining and pretty funny comedy thriller (based on Bateman’s novel). Richard Gant is a visiting Boston journalist. With Robert Lindsay, Laura Fraser, Rachel Griffiths, Jason Isaacs and Ian McElhinney.

DIXIE RAY: HOLLYWOOD STAR (it’s called murder, baby) (1982 US) D: ANTHONY SPINELLI W: STEVEN FLAGG/DEAN ROGERS P: BILLY THORNBERG/CHRIS WARFIELD John Leslie is a 1940s Hollywood private eye hired by movie star Dixie Ray (Lisa De Leeuw) to retrieve some dirty photos of her in this not-very-good porno parody (also available in an R rated version). It may be of interest to some because Cameron Mitchell has a substantial (non-sex) role, playing more or less the same character that he played in the same year’s major MGM flick, MY FAVOURITE YEAR. With Samantha Fox, Kelly Nichols, Juliet Anderson, Veronica Hart and Spinelli.

DJANGO (1965 ITL SPN) D/W/P: SERGIO CORBUCCI W: BRUNO CORBUCCI/JOSÉ GUITERREZ MAESSO/ FRANCO ROSSETTI/PIERO VIVARELLI P: MAROLO BOLGNINI Considered a classic in spaghetti western fan circles, this influential wonder remains to be discovered by the masses who think the genre begins and ends with Sergio Leone. Franco Nero stars as the lone gunfighter playing two sides of a feuding town against each other. He drags a coffin around behind him. It was considered pretty violent in its day (a man has to eat his own severed ear) and was banned in many places. It inspired countless “sequels”, copies and retitlings. With José Bodalo, Angel Alvarez, Giovanni Ivan Scratuglia, José Canalejas, Eduardo Fajardo and Luciano Rossi. Don’t miss it. There were endless Django titles over the years, but only the terrible DJANGO STRIKES AGAIN (1987) was a proper sequel.

DJANGO KILL (if you live, shoot!; sei sei vivi, spara!) (1967 ITL SPN) D/W/P: GIULIO QUESTI W: FRANCO ARCALLI/BENDETTO BENDETTI/MADEN CARMEN/M. ROMAN Not really a DJANGO sequel, this is a peculiar, excellent western. The usual YOJIMBO-derived playing-rival-warring-factions-off-against-eachother plot is told in a unique way. Tomas Milian stars as a nameless gunfighter raised from the dead by two Indians after he is double-crossed and killed by his gold-robbing gang. The Indians help him because they want to know about the afterlife. They track the gang down to a strange town (the “unhappy place”) where the citizens have already hanged them. Then the plot thickens with Milian being bounced back and forth between rivals who are all after the gold. Questi is not particularly known for his westerns, but he is remembered by Eurowestern fans for this offbeat gem. When a man is shot with gold bullets, the townsfolk tear him apart with their bare hands (in the once rare uncut version), and Robert Camardiel is a gay bandit called Zorro with a talking parrot. If you can forget that wood burns before gold will melt, the ending is great. With Piero Lulli, Milo Quesada, Francisco Sand, Ray Lovelock (from LIVING DEAD AT MANCHESTER MORGUE), Mirella Pamphili, Francisco Brana and Marilo Tol.

DJANGO, PREPARE A COFFIN See: VIVA DJANGO

DJANGO RIDES AGAIN See: KEOMA

DJANGO SEES RED See: VIVA DJANGO

DJANGO’S GREAT RETURN See: KEOMA

D.N.A. (d.n.a. 2: some things should never be) (1996 US PHIL) D: WILLIAM MESA W: NICK DAVIS P: PATRICK CHOI/NILE NIAMI Dull sci-fi jungle adventure has Mark Dacascos trying to stop evil Jürgen Prochnow from capturing an ancient killer alien creature (he wants to sell it to the military) in North Borneo (actually the Philippines). A black character sacrifices himself for the white heroes (again) and Dacascos does not use martial arts in this one. In Japan, the Marlon Brando version of THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU became D.N.A. and spawned a “series”, in which this became part two. The series of retitled features goes up to five (at last count).

D.N.A. 2: SOME THINGS SHOULD NEVER BE See: D.N.A.

D.N.A. 3 See: PETER BENCHLEY’S CREATURE

D.N.A. 4 See: WATCHERS REBORN

D.N.A. 5 See: HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (1996)

D.N.A.: BLOODRUSH See: BLOODRUSH

D.O.A. (1949 US) D: RUDOLPH MATÉ W: RUSSELL ROUSE/CLARENCE GREEN P: LEE C. POPKIN This b/w film noir classic is a remake of Robert Siodmak’s 1931 German thriller DER MANN DER SEINEN MORDET SUCHT (“Looking For His Murderer”). Edmond O’Brien stars as the vacationing innocent man who’s poisoned in a jazz club (great scene) for reasons he doesn’t understand. With no possible antidote, he attempts to solve the mystery before he dies. The opening scene has him announcing his own murder in a police station before relating the feature-length flashback. Great stuff, and look for Neville Brand (in his feature debut) in a career-defining psycho role. With Pamela Britton, Luther Adler, Beverly Garland, Lurette Luez, Frank Jacquet, Phillip Pine, Sam Harris, George Lynn, Hugh O’Brien, Lawrence Dobkin, Frank Gerstle, Michael Ross, Roy Engel, Douglas Evans, William Forrest, Lynne Roberts and Ivan Triesault. Remade in 1969 in Australia and 1988 in Hollywood.

D.O.A. (1980 US) D/P: LECH KOWALSKI This look at punk and punks on both sides of the Atlantic was lensed in 1978. Unlike several other docs on the subject, it actually gives the music room to breathe, featuring uninterrupted live numbers from The Sex Pistols (in Memphis at one point), X-Ray Spex, Generation X, Sham ’69 and The Dead Boys. Also seen are Glen Matlock’s Rich Kids (doing Pretty Vacant), The Clash and struggling pub act Terry And The Idiots. Also with footage of Sid and Nancy at the Chelsea Hotel. Some songs have accompanying onscreen lyrics. It all seems more ridiculous with age, but as a document of the times it’s great. The final song over the end credits is by Augustus Pablo. Kowalski made the classic semi-documentary STORY OF A JUNKIE next.

D.O.A. (1988 US) D: ROCKY MORTON/ANNABLE JANKEL W: CHARLES EDWARD POGUE P: IAN SAUNDER/ LAURA ZISKIN Dennis Quaid is an alcoholic English Lit teacher and has-been author who is poisoned in this not very good Disney-backed remake of the 40s noir classic, with lots of rock video style and a much sillier conclusion. He superglues himself to student Meg Ryan for a while and characters talk about how hot it is to try to lend some kind of oppressive credence. It doesn’t work. With Daniel Stern, Jane Kaczmarek, Charlotte Rampling, Brion James (standout in a very brief scene), Christopher Neame, Robert Knepper, Jack Kehoe, Bill Bolender, John Hawkes and Mario Perella. The husband and wife director team created Max Headroom and later made SUPER MARIO BROS.

D.O.A. (1999) See: DEAD OR ALIVE: HANZAISHA

DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE (2006 US GER UK) D: COREY YUEN W: J.F. LAWTON/ADAM & SETH GROSS P: MARK A. ALTMAN/PAUL W.S. ANDERSON/ JEREMY BOLT/BERND EICHINGER/ROBERT KULLER Devon Aoki (as a “ninja princess”), Jaime Pressly and Holly Valance star in this really awful adaptation of a fight tournament video game. It aims for brainless, sexy action entertainment. Fair enough, but it’s not sexy, the CGI “enhanced” wirework action is unconvincing and thrill-less, and it’s so brainless that it leaves you numb with boredom. Eric Roberts is the main villain (it was a really bad idea to try to convince us that he can fight!). With Natassia Malthe, Kane Kosugi, Robin Shou, Matthew Marsden and WWF wrestler Kevin Nash. Despite all the natural, beautiful locations in China and Thailand, they used some ropey computer FX backdrops.

DOBERMANN (1997 FRA) D: JAN KOUNEN W: JOEL HOUSSIN P: FREDERIQUE DUMAS-ZAJDELA/ERIC NEVE Vincent Cassel is Dobermann, the leader of a gang of knockabout criminals who commit a bank robbery. The detective after them (Tcheky Karyo) is much more vicious than they are in trying to get the job done. This very stylish and violent movie uses many flashy camera and editing techniques while going out of its way to be antisocial and uncomfortable. Someone wipes their arse on a Cahiers du Cinéma. Not as good as you may have heard, it does have its moments, just not enough of them. With Monica Bellucci, Marc Duret, François, Levantal, Florence Thomassin, Roland Amstutz, Jean Lescot, Marc Caro and Gaspar Noé.

DOC SAVAGE: THE MAN OF BRONZE (1975 US) D: MICHAEL ANDERSON W/P: GEORGE PAL W: JOE MORHAIM Mid-60s tv Tarzan Ron Ely stars as righteous adventurer and defender of justice Doc Savage. In this spoof of hunky blond hero movies, he travels to an island off the Caribbean to discover that his dead father was offed because he’d discovered a huge reserve of molten gold. His sidekick quartet includes electronics expert Paul Gleason (who doesn’t do or say much). Michael Berryman, in his debut, appears as a coroner. Robert Tessier is a machine-guntoting heavy in a stripy jumper. With Alberto Marin and Pamela Hensley. Despite some funny moments and a near perfect pitch between deadpan and deadly serious, it fails to be completely successful. Nice try at bringing the long-running pulp fiction hero (created by Henry W. Ralston and John L. Nanovic) to the big-screen, though. A sequel that never happened is announced at the end. It was Pal’s final film.

DR. BLACK, MR. HYDE (decision for doom; the watts monster) (1976 US) D: WILLIAM CRAIN W: LARRY LeBRON P: CHARLES WALKER Black Dr. Pride (Bernie Casey) is experimenting with a regenerative serum. He injects himself and turns into a pale, whitehaired killing machine (Stan Winston’s quite effective makeup put me in mind of both Lou Ferrigno’s Incredible Hulk and Tor Johnson in PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!). This very confused reimagining of Robert Louis Stevenson’s The Strange Case Of Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde (which plays more like a werewolf movie than anything) is trashy fun when Casey is on the rampage, strangling and beating hookers, but the stuff between is slow-going. The ending has nice location work at the Watts Towers (Jonathan Demme’s cinematographer of choice, Tak Fujimoto, shot it). With Rosalind Cash, Stu Gilliam as Silky the pimp and stunt co-ordinator Bob Minor (who probably doubled for Casey) as a security guard. Lawrence Woolner came up with the original idea, and his company Dimension released it. Associate producer Crain also made BLACULA.

DOCTOR BLOODBATH See: HORROR HOSPITAL

DR. BUTCHER M.D. See: ZOMBIE HOLOCAUST

DR. CADMAN’S SECRET See: THE BLACK SLEEP

DR. CALIGARI (1989 US) D/W: STEPHEN SAYADIAN W: JERRY STAHL P: JOSEPH F. ROBERTSON As “Rinse Dream”, director Sayadian made the cult favourite post-nuke porno CAFÉ FLESH. Alternatively, this arty, pretentious stage play on film is awful. I’d rather endure scrotum torture than have to sit through it again. I guess it’s a remake of THE CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI but you’d be hard pushed to tell. The groundbreaking original expressionistic sets are replaced here by unimaginative minimal shock tactic window dressing. Unfortunately it was Fox Harris’ final feature before he died. With Nina De Ponca.

DR. CYCLOPS (1940 US) D: ERNEST B. SCHOEDSACK W: TOM KILPATRICK/MALCOLM STUART BOYLAN P: DALE VAN EVERY/MERIAN C. COOPER Albert Dekker is the creepy doctor who shrinks five people to minisize on his island. They have to escape through the jungle in this fun, Technicolor sci-fi adventure. Nothing beats the later THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN, or the precursor THE DEVIL DOLL, but this is adequate go-between filler from one of the creators of KING KONG. With Charles Halton, Victor Kilian, Frank Yaconelli, Paul Fix and Frank Reicher.

DR. GIGGLES (1992 US JPN) D/W: MANNY COTO W: GRAEME WHIFFLER P: STUART M. BESSER Larry Drake is a deranged doctor wannabe who escapes from an asylum and heads for his childhood small-town home where his father pulled out victims’ hearts and once sewed the young boy inside his mother’s corpse. Horny teens get the worse of it (suffocation by huge plaster, skewered on a sharp thermometer etc.). I like the idea of a giggling, psychotic Drake making corny wisecracks as he dishes out the gore, but I wish this cartoonish horror comedy was more fun. With Cliff De Young and Richard Bradford. It’s based on a comic book.

DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE BIKINI MACHINE (1965 US) D: NORMAN TAUROG W/P: JAMES H. NICHOLSON P: SAMUEL Z. ARKOFF In this very silly and very 60s comedy, Vincent Price is the diabolical Goldfoot who has a machine that creates robot bikini girls to ensnare rich bachelors and make them sign over their fortunes. Susan Hart is the main girl and Frankie Avalon works out what’s going on. Price spoofs his own performance in THE PIT AND THE PENDLUM and there’s a gallery of portraits of Price’s evil ancestors (in his image). You might enjoy it if you’re in a silly mood, and the theme tune (by The Supremes) is infectious. With Fred Clark, Dwayne Hickman, Jack Mullaney, Ronnie Rondel, Carey Loftin, China Lee, Milton Frome, Vince Barnett, David Sharpe and guest stars Annette Funicello, Deborah Walley and Harvey Lembeck. Mario Bava directed the sequel DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE GIRL BOMBS (1966), but first (the same year) was a little remembered condensed tv remake (part of music show Shindig), THE WILD WEIRD WORLD OF DR. GOLDFOOT.

DR. HACKENSTEIN (1987 US) D/W: RICHARD CLARK P: MEGAN BARNETT/RENZA MIZBANI David Muir is the mad doctor collecting bodyparts to connect to his wife’s living head in this awful horror comedy. With Anne Ramsey, her real-life husband Logan Ransey, Stacy Travis, Phyllis Diller and Michael Ensign. Stay away.

DR. JEKYLL AND HIS WOMEN (the strange case of dr. jekyll and miss osbourne; bloodlust; the experiment; bloodbath of dr. jekyll; docteur jekyll et les femmes; le case etrange de dr. jekyll et de miss osbourne; dr. jekyll and mr. hyde) (1981 FRA W.GER) D/W: WALERIAN BOROWCZYK P: ROBERT KUPERSBERG/ JEAN-PIERRE LABRANDE Udo Kier is Dr. Jekyll. Marina Pierro is his betrothed Fanny Osbourne (based on Robert Louis Stevenson’s wife of that name, who threw his original manuscript, on which this film is based, on the fire in disgust!). Several guests have arrived at their big house for an overnight stay. They include doctor Howard Vernon, priest Clement Harari (who looks like Luciano Pigozzi) and General Patrick Magee (in one of his final roles). Kier discusses his research in “transcendental medicine” and prepares his potion as a bath liquid. He becomes a different actor with no eyebrows (and a huge phallus) who rapes and kills (including Magee’s willing daughter in front of him). The ending is pretty wild. A unique and overlooked take on the horror standard, possibly Borowczyk’s best, aided by Bernard Parmegiani’s score. Highly recommended.

DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE (1995 US UK) D/W: DAVID F. PRICE W: TIM JOHN/OLIVER BUTCHER/ WILLIAM DAVIES/WILLIAM OSBORNE P: FRANK K. ISAAC/JERRY LEIDER/JOHN MORRISSEY/ROBERT SHAPIRO This modern FX gender-switch (socalled) comedy update of the Jekyll and Hyde tale is awful. Tim Daly is the distant relative of Jekyll who drinks the formula and turns into bitchy Sean Young. There are two (brief) funny scenes: a piss take of Calvin Klein commercials and a rock concert joke. But they are in no way reason enough to suffer through this. I repeat, do not watch. With Stephen Tobolowsky, Harvey Fierstein, Lysette Anthony, Jeremy Piven, Thea Vidale, Polly Bergen, Sheena Larkin, Aron Tager and Mark Camacho.

DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE (1912 US) D: LUCIUS HENDERSON This appears to be the oldest (b/w, silent) surviving screen version of Robert Louis Stevenson’s 1886 hit novella The Strange Case Of Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde. Several other versions (including one from Denmark and one from the UK) that might go back as far as 1897 (!) are lost to us. Originally running 15 mins, it now runs 8. It apparently draws inspiration from a 1887 stage play by Thomas Russell Sullivan (as did a lost 1908 version, and the 1920 Barrymore classic). Future director James Cruze is Jekyll, and sometimes Hyde (sometimes Hyde was played by Harry Benham). The most dodgy scene for modern audiences is when Hyde runs up to a little girl (Marie Eline) on the street and grabs her, and… then we cut back to his lab and we’re not sure what happened! Otherwise it’s quite dull, and not as funny as the King Baggot 1913 version. With Florence La Badine, Jane Gail and Marguerite Snow.

DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (1913 US) D/W: HERBERT BRENON This appears to be the second oldest surviving screen version. It was released in two parts by Carl Laemmle’s Universal (still then in its infancy), and starred King Baggot (who might also have co-directed uncredited), a name forgotten today, but who was basically the first American movie star (and extremely prolific, sometimes a new Baggot short was released every week!). The 26 b/w mins (with no soundtrack) that we can view today is quite laughable, and very cheap and amateur looking. When Baggot transforms into Hyde, he has a longer fringe, goofy teeth and walks about in a crouched position (faithful to the “dwarfishness” in Stevenson’s original writings, but it just looks silly). This odd gimp has “many adventures at night”, including pushing a crippled boy over in the street! He seems to scare people (there’s a wonderfully stupid scene where he terrorises the patrons of a bar), but I’d piss myself laughing if I ever actually saw him on the street! I enjoyed myself, but time has not been kind. Probably the earliest so-bad-its-good film I’ve ever seen. With Jane Gail, Howard Cramton and director Brenon. It was rereleased in 1915, and footage of it seems to have been used for laughs in a 1932 Universal comedy short called DOCTOR JEKYLL’S HYDE, released around the same time as the Rouben Mamoulian classic for Paramount. Brenon is most famous today for the 1924 PETER PAN and LAUGH, CLOWN, LAUGH with Lon Chaney. Baggot (who died in 1947) still acted (in bit parts mostly, post-talkie) until the end, but concentrated on directing (the most well remembered today being the 1925 western TUMBLEWEEDS). There were three more Jekyll & Hydes in 1913 (all lost?) and a few more thereafter (including one in 1914 from Germany), before the 1920 John Barrymore classic.

DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (1920 US) D: JOHN S. ROBERTSON W: CLARA BERANGER P: ADOLPH ZUKOR Earlier versions of Robert Louis Stevenson’s novel about a goodly doctor and charitable public figure who concocts a potion that gives an alter ego persona to his dark animal side had already been filmed many times. But this feature is the first American horror classic. It’s silent and in b/w (with tinting) but don’t let that put you off. John Barrymore is excellent as Jekyll and Hyde, and in latter parts of the movie he’s really creepy and scary in his Hyde makeup (in fact it remains the scariest version to this day, I think). Martha Mansfield is Jekyll’s bride-to-be, while Nita Naldi is Hyde’s sex toy (offscreen, of course). With Brandon Hurst and Louis Wolheim. There’s even a cool animated giant spider. Two other American versions were produced the same year, one lost, one not. Unfortunately, a German version directed by none other than F.W. Murnau (NOSFERATU) around the same time by the name of DER JANUSKOPF also seems to be lost to the ages. The next major version was the 1930s Rouben Mamoulian shocker.

DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (1931 US) D/P: ROUBEN MAMOULIAN W: SAMUEL HOFFENSTEIN/PERCY HEATH Considered the definitive screen version of Robert Louis Stevenson’s 1886 novella, this brilliant movie stars Fredeic March (who won the Academy Award for Best Actor). Wally Westmore’s makeup is fantastic, as is Karl Struss’ b/w photography. Mamoulian’s direction is flawless. Miriam Hopkins is Hyde’s sexy mistress. Considered pretty racy stuff in its day, it was cut in 1935 to stay within the Hayes Code requirements. Thankfully it can now be seen in it’s uncut glory, a true masterpiece of horror (and any other genre for that matter). With Rose Hobart, Holmes Hebert, Halliwell Hobbes, Edgar Norton, Tempe Pigott, Sam Harris, Tom London, Murdock MacQuarrie, John Rogers, Douglas Walton and Eric Wilton. The next major Hollywood version was in 1941.

DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (1941 US) D/P: VICTOR FLEMING W: JOHN LEE MARTIN P: VICTOR SAVILLE (uncredited) Popular in its day, this version of Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic novella has been on the receiving end of anti-Hollywood backlash in recent years by horror fans who prefer the 30s version. It’s true that this is not the classic that was, but it is a damned good (and dark and disturbing) psychological horror movie. Spencer Tracy is a great Jekyll and Hyde, Ingrid Bergman and Lana Turner (who switched roles prior to filming) are wellcast and the transformation scenes (makeup by Jack Dawn) are excellent. And let’s not forget the remarkable Freudian dream sequence. With Donald Crisp, Ian Hunter, Barton MacLane, C. Aubrey Smith, Sara Allgood, Frederick Worlock, William Tannen, Frances Robinson, Billy Bevan, Forrester Harvey, Lumsden Hare, Lawrence Grant, Jimmy Aubrey, Hillary Brooke, Alec Craig, Al Ferguson, Mary Field, Frank Hagney, Winifred Harris, Brandon Hurst, Olaf Hytten, Colin Kenny, Claude King, Doris Lloyd, Aubrey Mather, Lionel Papa and Milton Parsons.

DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (1981) See: DR. JEKYLL AND HIS WOMEN

DR. JEKYLL AND SISTER HYDE (1971 UK) D: ROY WARD BAKER W/P: BRIAN CLEMENS P: ALBERT FENNELL Ralph Bates creates a serum that turns him into a sexy female Hyde (Martine Beswick). In an entertaining offbeat twist, Hyde is also Jack the Ripper who needs female hormones to continue her experiments. Burke and Hare even appear. This superior Hammer release has its tongue firmly in cheek, and the resemblance between Bates and Beswicke is uncanny. With Gerald Sim and Philip Madoc

DR. JEKYLL AND THE WEREWOLF (doctor jekyll y el hombre lobo) (1971 SPN UK) D: “LEON KAMINSKY” (LEON KLIMOVSKY) W: JACINTO MOLINA P: ARTURO GONZALEZ Sixth Waldemar Daninsky movie has “Paul Naschy” (Molina) as a Spanish villager under suspicion from the locals. He rescues a female tourist from rapists. She falls in love with him, but discovers his tendency to turn into a wolfman on nights with a full moon. She takes him to London where the scientist grandson of Dr. Jekyll (Jack Taylor aka George Brown Randall aka Greg Martin) injects him with a formula to isolate his Hyde/wolfman persona. Of course things go wrong and we get the peculiarly pleasing sight of Naschy in top hat and cape stalking the foggy streets of swinging London! Filmed in 70mm, it has whipping and minimum gore. Mirta Miller, José Marco Davó, Luis Induni and Bernabé Bart Barri are in the cast. I enjoyed it, and Naschy’s makeup is pretty creepy. CURSE OF THE DEVIL (1973) (which I haven’t seen) was next, followed by THE WEREWOLF AND THE YETI.

DR. JEKYLL LIKES THEM HOT (jekyll junior; il dottore jekill jr.; dottor jekyll e gentile signora) (1979 ITL) D/W: “STENO” (STEFANO VANZINA) W: LEO BENVENUTI/PIERO DE BERNARDI/GIOVANNI MENGARELLI P: CARLO BARTOLLINI Paolo Villagio is a hairy, mean and ruthless corporate executive in London called Dr. Jekyll, intent on spreading as much misery in the Third World as possible. His recent scheme involves the fabrication of a royal scandal and chewing gum ads. One day he stumbles across his grandfather in the basement, the original Dr. Jekyll (living on royalty payments from “all those films”!). The old man tricks him into drinking a potion that turns him into an insufferably twee “fag” Uncle Hyde with a permed blond wig (“looking like Shelley Winters in a horror movie”) who plots to undo Jekyll’s wrongs. With Edwige Fenech as his secretary, Gordon Mitchell as Pretorius and a catchy upbeat theme tune. Monumentally silly comedy with light raunch from sexy Fenech is more enjoyable than the other Villagio vehicle I’ve suffered (FRACCHIA CONTRO DRACULA) and irresistible to Eurotrash fans. Vanzina was a prolific director who churned out around eighty features from 1949 to his death in 1988. His son is Carlo Vanzina (NOTHING UNDERNEATH).

DR LAMB (giu cheung yee sang; gao yang yi shang) (1992 HK) D: DANNY LEE/BILLY TANG W: LAW KAM FAI P: PARKMAN WONG Simon Yam is a psychotic cab driver who strangles and mutilates “bad” women on his graveyard shift. He’s also a necrophile. It’s all told in flashback to investigating cops (just like the superior BUN MAN from the same year, also scripted by Law). Scenes of Yam power-sawing corpses to plays it too broad. My favourite character is the mostly silent detective who suddenly blurts out “motherfuckin’ son of a bitch”. With Kent Cheung (from the Tang-directed RUN AND KILL, also with Yam), Lau Siu Ming, Emily Kwan and Julie Lee. Director Lee was in THE KILLER (John Woo) and GOLIATHON.

DR. MINX (1975 US) D/W/P: HIKMET AVEDIS Edy Williams (once married to Russ Meyer; she was in his BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS and THE SEVEN MINUTES) has her definitive role as a scheming wealthy widow coaxing men to kill for her, and wears outrageous bosom-revealing clothes. William Smith is the creep who made sure her husband met with an accident. She seduces a smitten young teen and has him kill Smith. The boy’s best friend is an extremely annoying, nosy killjoy, but he does at least figure out what’s going on (while imitating Columbo!?). It starts with a horrible theme tune called The Dark Side Of Love, and ends on a great final shot. Typical of Avedis’ low-budget oddities, it’s not overwhelmingly good, but different and engaging. Alvy Moore is the sheriff.

DOCTOR MORDRID (psychic warriors) (1991 US) D/P: CHARLES BAND D: ALBERT BAND W: RYOTA YAMAGUCHI Reclusive black magic/criminologist lecturer Jeffrey Combs is also an alien superhero in a blue cape, who must stop his evil nemesis brother (Brian Thompson) from releasing demons that will destroy the Earth in this minimal Full Moon release that runs just over 70 mins. It’s ok, with brief David Allen animated dinosaur skeletons, but only as background filler fodder. With Jay Acovone.

DR. NO (1962 UK) D/W: TERENCE YOUNG W: RICHARD MAIBAUM/JOHANNA HARWOOD/BERKELEY MATHER P: HARRY SALTZMAN/ALBERT R. BROCCOLI Sean Connery is James Bond, secret agent 007, in the first (very good) entry of the influential series that became a worldwide household name. Based on novels by Ian Fleming and featuring a catchy theme tune by John Barry. Ursula Andress costars as the first Bond girl and Joseph Wiseman is the ex-tong counter agent for SPECTRE with a missile base on a Jamaican island (and metal hands). With Anthony Dawson, Bernard Lee, Lois Maxwell, Jack Lord and a cool title sequence designed by Maurice Binder featuring dancing girl Martine Beswick backed by bongo music. FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE was next.

DOCTOR OF DOOM See: WRESTLING WOMEN VS. THE AZTEC APE

DR. OF EVIL See: THE MUTATIONS

DR. PHIBES RISES AGAIN (1972 UK) D/W: ROBERT FUEST W: ROBERT BLEES P: SAMUEL Z. ARKOFF/LOUIS M. HEYWARD The romantic organist Dr. Phibes (Vincent Price) returns from suspended animation for this fun sequel to THE ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES. Here he kills explorers in Egypt meddling with his plans to discover the underground river of eternal life. Includes death by snakes, scorpions, telephone (my fa vourite) and more. With Robert Quarry, Peter Jeffrey, Hugh Griffith, Gerald Sim, John Thaw, Peter Cushing, Beryl Reid, Terry-Thomas and Caroline Munro. James H. Nicholson was the executive producer.

DR. SEX (strange loves of…) (1963 US) D/W/P: “THEO MIKACECCI” (TED V. MIKELS) W: “JUAN ROGERO” (WAYNE ROGERS) This fun nudie movie (Mikels’ second feature after STRIKE ME DEADLY) opens with credits in Italian, and a narrator explaining how the city is a haven for sexual frustration. Dr. Ludwig von Sex and his two shrink colleagues (one male, one female) relate bizarre cases for a book they’re writing. The first involving a voyeur in a woman’s apartment has a surprise ending and a great, cartoonish pop-up eyeball gag. The second is more cosmic, involving mannequins. The next about an artist’s model/stripper is dull filler, but is followed by the best part with a man haunted by naked female ghosts doing household chores in his home. His expressions are hilarious. Rogers (also an actor and the executive producer) wrote Mikels’ THE ASTRO-ZOMBIES, but this is a lot more enjoyable. With Marsha Jordan, and Mikels.

DR. STRANGELOVE, OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB (1963 UK) D/W/P: STANLEY KUBRICK W: TERRY SOUTHERN/ PETER GEORGE You may be tired of having been duped into watching some of Kubrick’s later overcelebrated so-called “classics”, but don’t miss his truly brilliant satire on the politics of war in the age of the A-bomb (based on George’s novel Red Alert). I don’t buy into the theory that Peter Sellers was a comic genius either, but he’s used well here in a triple roll. With Sterling Hayden, Slim Pickens (one of his finest roles), George C. Scott, Keenan Wynn, Peter Bull, James Earl Jones and Shane Rimmer.

DOCTORS WEAR SCARLET See: INCENSE FOR THE DAMNED

DR. TERROR’S HOUSE OF HORRORS (1964 UK US) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W/P: MILTON SUBOTSKY P: MAX J. ROSENBERG The first horror anthology from Amicus is nothing special, but remains one of their finest attempts at the notoriously difficult portmanteau structure (it has never really been bettered since DEAD OF NIGHT). Five doomed men on a train are read their futures on tarot cards by the mysterious Dr. Terror (Peter Cushing, sporting bushy eyebrows and a cod German accent). Neil McCallum is an architect summoned to his former ancestral home on an island in the Hebrides, only to find a walled-up coffin and a curse. Alan Freeman (the bland but loveable and iconic DJ Fluff was on BBCTV’s Top Of The Pops at the time) returns from holiday to discover a killer plant with strangling vines on his property. Jazz trumpeter Roy Castle (quite funny here, not like he was with Cushing in Amicus’ DR. WHO AND THE DALEKS the following year) steals some beats from the voodoo god Damballah while in the West Indies and pays the price for plagiarising a deity (this tale is the most silly, but oddly the most likeable for me. It helps that Castle’s band is actually the Tubby Hayes Quintet, and seeing them play is pretty cool). Snarky, cynical art critic Christopher Lee runs down artist Michael Gough with his car when Gough threatens to discredit him, only to be stalked by the suicidal former painter’s amputated right hand (it’s not exactly THE BEAST WITH FIVE FINGERS, but it ain’t THE HAND either). The weakest link is the tongue in cheek filler starring American Donald Sutherland, suspecting that his new French wife may be a vampire. With Bernard Lee, Jeremy Kemp and Kenny Lynch. Undoubtedly naff in the greater scheme of things, but also fun, fun, fun if you’re in the right frame of mind. Amicus’ next crack at the portmanteau was TORTURE GARDEN.

DR. WAI IN THE SCRIPTURE WITH NO WORDS (mak him wong; mao xian wang) (1996 HK) D: CHING SIU TUNG W: SANDY SHAW/SZETO CHEUK HON/ LAM WAI LUN P: TIFFANY CHEN LAU Jet Li is a 1940s novelist who slips in and out of reality as he’s writing his new book, featuring himself as an INDIANA JONES-style adventurer trying to prevent a sacred scripture from falling into the hands of Japanese invaders. This fast-paced adventure has enough action and exciting situations to keep you entertained, but is nothing special. There are supernatural elements. A lesser film from the talented director of DUEL TO THE DEATH, A CHINESE GHOST STORY and others. With Rosmaund Kwan (in ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA with Li), Takeshi Kaneshiro, Billy Chow, Ngai Sing and Lau Kar Ying.

DR. WHO AND THE DALEKS (1965 UK) D: GORDON FLEMYNG W/P: MILTON SUBOTSKY P: MAX J. ROSENBERG Aaru (pre-Amicus) produced this colour big-screen spin-off from the popular tv series, with some distinct changes. The Doctor (Peter Cushing as a kindly grandfather figure, quite the opposite of grumpy William Hartnell) doesn’t seem here to be a Time Lord, but a scientist with the family name Who. He has two granddaughters. One is a little girl and the other a sexy twenty-something, whose boyfriend is Roy Castle (once the world’s fastest tapdancer). Together they travel through time and space in the Tardis (police box, of course) and end up on the petrified planet of Skaro. Everything else is pretty much as the original tv serial. The Daleks (great sci-fi robot villains, appearing much more flimsy and vulnerable than they did on tv) live in an automated city while the Thals (very camp nuclear war survivors with bangs and too much eyeshadow) try to live in peace. To be honest, it’s not really very good, sillier than tv and with too much corny comic relief, but somewhat charming. My favourite part is when a Dalek dictates a letter. DALEKS’ INVASION EARTH 2150 A.D. was the follow up.

DOCTOR X (1932 US) D: MICHAEL CURTIZ W: ROBERT TASKER/EARL BALDWIN/GEORGE ROSENER (uncredited) Nowadays it might be difficult for film fans to imagine that the celebrated Curtiz made this great, very over the top and lurid b/w shocker. But make it he did, and it’s lots of fun. Lionel Atwill stars, but is he the crazed (cannibal) killer doctor eating human glands (!!) and creating synthetic skin? Fay Wray screams great as his daughter and Lee Tracy provides (unnecessary) comic relief (they should have played it dead straight). With Preston Foster, John Wray, Harry Beresford, Laurel and Hardy regular Mae Busch, Robert Warwick, Willard Robertson, Thomas E. Jackson, Harry Holman, Tom Dugan and Selmer Jackson. And what’s more, you can see it in monochrome or two-strip Technicolor. THE RETURN OF DR. X is not a sequel. Based on a play by Howard M. Comstock and Allan C. Miller.

DR. Z See: ZAAT

DOCUMENT OF THE DEAD (1989 US) D/W/P: ROY FRUMKES Frumkes (who wrote and produced the wonderful STREET TRASH) interviewed George A. Romero during the filming of DAWN OF THE DEAD and later on the set of TWO EVIL EYES. Susan Tyrell narrates. Behind-the-scenes footage (including a look at Tom Savini’s work) is fairly interesting, but only essential for fans. A Romero-directed ad for soap is a highlight.

DOG DAY (canicule) (1983 FRA) D/W: YVES BOISSET W: JEAN HERMAN/MICHAEL AUDIAR/DOMINIQUE ROULET/SERGE KORB P: NORBERT SAADA This very odd film is basically some Europeans having fun playing around with American star (nay, icon) Lee Marvin’s tough guy image. Marvin’s a bank robber who escapes from a job gone wrong and a police shoot-out, runs through endless cornfields and ends up at a barn on a farm run by disgusting, dysfunctional sex crazed weirdos. A little boy (the talented David Bennett from 1979’s THE TIN DRUM) steals his loot, the other members of the family try to get hold of it (as do Marvin’s former partners) and Miou Miou wants him to kill her husband. The (scheming) police are not much use. Sometimes silly, irritating and wrongheaded, but also different, inspired and memorable. Based on a book by “Jean Vautrin” (screenwriter Herman). With Jean Carmet, Victor Lanoux, Bernadette Lafunt, Tina Louise, Jean-Claude Dreyfus, Juliette Mills, Henri Guybert, Pierre Clementi, Jean-Pierre Kalfon and Jean Cherlian.

THE DOGFIGHTERS See: THE ZONE

DOGHOUSE (2009 UK) D: JAKE WEST W: DAN SCHAFFER P: MIKE LOVEDAY A bunch of men from London (led by womanising sexist Danny Dyer) embark on a drunken weekend away from it all in the rural village of Moodley (it was shot in West Sussex). They find that all the women there have transformed into zombielike killer cannibals who feast on men. This gore comedy is quite good fun, always just falling the right side of fanboy. With Stephen Graham, Noel Clarke, Terry Stone, Christian Cole, Emily Booth, Adele Silva, Billy Murray and overt references to THE EVIL DEAD and The A-Team.

DOG LAY AFTERNOON See: BESTIALITA

DOGMA (1999 US) D/W/P: KEVIN SMITH P: SCOTT MOSIER Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are exiled angels in Wisconsin who’ve found a loophole in Catholic dogma (in New Jersey) that allows them to re-enter the Kingdom of Heaven. But as a consequence the entire world will come to an end. Linda Fiorentino is a descendent of Jesus Christ who can stop the Armageddon, and Jason Mewes and Smith (as Jay and Silent Bob, again) are prophets. Angels, muses and other assorted non-humans are played by Alan Rickman, Chris Rock, Salma Hayek and Jason Lee. Alanis Morisette is God. This ambitious comic fantasy doesn’t always work and occasionally tries too hard for laughs, but when Smith allows it to just flow it’s good fun. Mewes is particularly amusing. Look for Bud Cort as a dying homeless man. With George Carlin, Brian O’Halloran, Janeane Garofalo, Mosier, Mark Joy and Ethan Suplee. Over two hours is a little long, though. Smith made the god-awful JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK next, while his next watchable effort was RED STATE (2011).

DOGORA: THE SPACE MONSTER (dagora, the space monster; uchu dai kaiju dogora) (1965 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: SHINICHI SEKIZAWA P: YASUYOSHI TAJITSU/TOMOYUKI TANAKA Animated squid-like creatures from space love carbon, so absorb endless amounts of coal and diamonds around the world. The tentacled Eiji Tsubaraya creations are cool, shrouded in mist, but unfortunately rarely seen (they’re invisible at first) in this unusual Toho monster movie. The rest of it is some nonsense involving cop Yosuke Natsuki and undercover G-man Robert Dunham (who made 1966’s TIME TRAVELERS) tracking industrial spies and diamond thieves. With Akiko Wakabayashi, Nobuo Nakamura, Jun Tazaki, Susumu Fujita, Seizaburo Kawazu, Eisei Amamoto, Yoshifuni Tajima, Nadao Kirino, Yasuhisa Tsutsumi, Shoichi Hirose, Wataru Omae and Yutaka Nakayama.

DOG RACE (inu hashiru) (1998 JPN) D/W: YOIICHI SAI W: YOSHINOBU KAKU/WUI SIN CHONG P: KATSUHIKO AOKI/TATSUYA KUNIMATSU Ren Osugi is a member of the yakuza, and Goro Kishitani is a corrupt cop. They’re friends who mix business and pleasure in this great movie. The plot involves Chinese refugees, drugs, prostitutes and a dead body. Disturbing, touching, exciting and intelligent. Synopses like this one shouldn’t stop you checking it out. With Makoto Fukashi, Teruyuki Kagawa and a great chase scene through Shinjuku on foot.

DOGS (slaughter) (1976 US) D: BURT BRINCKERHOFF W: O’BRIAN TOMALIN P: ALLAN F. BODOH/ BRUCE COHN Top secret research at a university campus lab results in the local dogs attacking humans in packs. David McCallum and George Wyner star as research scientists/teachers in this very dull thriller, with the laughable final shot of a cute kitten that’s supposed to be ominous. With Linda Gray and Lance Hool. Brinckerhoff acts and directs lots of tv usually.

DOG SOLDIERS (1978) See: WHO’LL STOP THE RAIN

DOG SOLDIERS (2002 UK LUX) D/W: NEIL MARSHALL P: DAVID E. ALLEN/CHRISTOPHER FIGG/TOM REEVE Sean Pertwee leads a platoon of soldiers on training manoeuvres deep in the Scottish Highlands. They encounter (barely seen) werewolves and end up barricaded in a house NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD-style. Kevin McKidd heads the cast. It’s actually a pretty enjoyable thriller with fun characters and good atmosphere. With Liam Cunningham. Filmed in Scotland and Luxembourg.

DOGTAGS (1986 US) D/W: ROMANO SCAVOLINI P: ALAIN ADAM/DALER JONES An NYC reporter narrates this tale of a small platoon in ’nam who try to make off with a score of gold from a downed military chopper. Lackluster action from the guy behind NIGHTMARES IN A DAMAGED BRAIN.

DOING RUDE THINGS (1995 UK) D: KRISTIENE CLARKE W: HARRY THOMPSON/RICHARD PREDDY/ GARRY HOWE P: PAMELA WALDEN/MARK FORSTATER Fun, humorous (and concise at under 50 mins) BBCTV documentary look at the British softcore sex movies (mostly comedies) of the 60s and 70s. It’s based on David McGillivray’s book of the same name, and McGillivray is a great interviewee, bewildered that the dated tat he helped to make was such a success, while most of the rest of the movie world had moved on to hardcore. Also very funny is Robin Askwith, talking about the sobering behind-the-scenes details of the CONFESSIONS series that took the genre overground (from private cinema clubs) to massive financial success. George Harrison Marks and Pamela Green (seen in scenes from PEEPING TOM) discuss pioneering the form with Kamera magazine, and later 8mm mail-order shorts, before hitting the big time with the likes of NAKED — AS NATURE INTENDED. Less known but pretty influential were the nudist shorts of “Michael Keatering”, and he is interviewed here as Edward Craven Walker, seriously discussing his “naturist propaganda” (I would love to see EVES ON SKIS!). Other interviewees include Donovan Winter, Norman J. Warren, Bachoo Sen, Ray Selfe (for whom McGillivray scripted WHITE CARGO [1973]), Anna Bergman (Ingrid on the god-awful and cheerfully racist ITV sitcom Mind Your Language), Sue Longhurst (who doubled for Susan George in STRAW DOGS) and Françoise Pascal (who also suffered the indignities of Mind Your Language as Danielle). The late Mary Millington is discussed, and seen in clips from COME PLAY WITH ME. Other clips include ESKIMO NELL (1975), PERCY, THE NINE AGES OF NAKEDNESS (1970), KEEP IT UP, DOWNSTAIRS (1976) and THE PLAYBIRDS (1978) (among others). Angus Deayton hosts. Shown originally as part of a “Forbidden Weekend” devoted to censorship, alongside EMPIRE OF THE CENSORS.

DOING TIME (keimsho no naka) (2002 JPN) D/W: YOICHI SAI P: NOZOMU ENOKI Tsutomu Yamazaki is a new inmate at Hokkaido’s Abashiri prison in Northern Japan who narrates a series of vignettes designed to illustrate the unbelievably structured day to day life inside. Based on former inmate Kazuichi Hanawa’s manga, it’s an engrossing window into a world you’ve never seen in any other prison movie. With Tomoroh Taguchi, Teruyuki Kagawa, Ren Osugi, Yutaka Matsuhige, Yosuke Kubozuka (from PING PONG) and Kippei Shina. From the director of DOG RACE.

DOKU SHINSHA NO KIKAI (1996 JPN ANIMATED) D: TAKASHI IWAI ART D: SHINJI KOHAMA This 29 mins stop-motion tale (involving dolls) about a scientist operating on one mechanical twin sister to start her menstruation (I think; there’s no dialogue) is interesting, very well done and may be inspired by Jan Švankmajer (among others). There’s also a cool mechanical lobster. It’s nice to see this kind of thing (usually considered exclusively European) coming out of Asia.

DOLEMITE (1975 US) D: D’URVILLE MARTIN W/P: RUDY RAY MOORE W: JERRY JONES P: T. TONEY Ground-breaking comedy rapper Rudy Ray Moore stars in this major action hit as a pimp who’s released from prison in order to clear himself of a stolen goods rap for which he was framed. Director Martin (usually an actor, who also helmed DISCO 9000 in 1976) is his arch-rival Willie Green, and a couple of corrupt white cops need sorting out, too. Moore’s attempts at martial arts are hilarious, and he performs two routines, Titanic and The Signifying Monkey. It’s true that DOLEMITE’s reputation is bigger than it deserves, but it’s still a fun movie to watch. Writer Jones also has an acting part. THE HUMAN TORNADO followed.

DOLEMITE 2 See: THE HUMAN TORNADO

A DOLLAR A DAY See: SPACE RAGE

DOLLMAN (micro cop) (1991 US) D: ALBERT PYUN W: CHRIS ROGHAIR/DAVID FABIAN/CHARLES BAND P: CATHY GESUALDO On a planet light years from Earth, Tim Thomerson is a DIRTY HARRY-style cop called Brick Bardo. His arch-nemesis is now a stupid and unconvincing floating head contraption that he chases to Earth in a spaceship. Earth turns out to be pretty much the same except everything is bigger, so Bardo is now 12 inches high. He helps fight gangs in the South Bronx while going after the head in this awful tongue-in-cheek sci-fi adventure. Pyun should be shot as soon as possible. With Nicholas Guest, Vincent Klyn and Samantha Phillips. There was also a DOLLMAN VS. DEMONIC TOYS hybrid.

DOLLS (1986 US) D: STUART GORDON W: ED NAHA P: BRIAN YUZNA After RE-ANIMATOR, Gordon directed this pretty boring killer dolls feature for executive producer Charles Band (who would later reuse the concept over and over). Typically hateful and stupid characters end up in a remote English mansion and are killed off by toys. The best part is the battalion of wooden soldiers. Gordon went back to Lovecraft territory for FROM BEYOND.

DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE (domestic fear) (2001 US) D/P: HAROLD BECKER W: LEWIS COLICK/WIL LIAM S. CORMANOR/GARY DRUCKER P: DONALD DE LINE/JONATHAN D. KRANE John Travolta is a divorced boat builder in Maryland whose ex-wife is marrying a rich young tycoon (Vince Vaughn). Vaughn’s secret skeletons threaten to leave the closet at the arrival of former associate Steve Buscemi. When Vaughn murders Buscemi, his stepson (Travolta’s boy) is the sole witness. Formulaic thriller is slimpickings and instantly forgettable. Not really worth your time. With Teri Polo, Matthew O’Leary, Holmes Osborne, Chris Ellis and Jim Meskimen.

DOMESTIC FEAR See: DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE

DOMINATRIX WITHOUT MERCY (1976 US) D/W: SHAUN COSTELLO This just over an hour-long NYC porno stars Vanessa Del Rio as a girl who answers a madame’s sex ad in Screw magazine and gets a job dominating and abusing paying male clients. She also gets the treatment herself from a couple of mean perverts. Not bad SM feature, but not up to the standard of Costello’s shocking classics like FORCED ENTRY and THE ENEMA BANDIT. With Jamie Gillis, Terri Hall, C.J. Laing, Marlene Willoughby and Marc Anthony. A typical line is “suck it or I’ll break your wrist”.

DON (1978 IND) D: CHANDRA BAROT W: “SALIM JAVED” (JAVED AKHTAR & SALIM KHAN) P: NARMIMAN A. IRANI Amitabh Cachchan is Don, a notorious international criminal wanted by Interpol, and his identical lookalike street performer asked by a cop to impersonate the gangster (after the criminal is accidentally shot dead). He goes undercover to root out information and, of course, sings some songs. One is about the joys of chewing marijuana leaves. This is a fun slice of 70s Hindi action with car chases, explosions and a tightrope walk getaway scene straight out of an old serial. For some reason slide whistles can be heard on the soundtrack during the climactic graveyard fight scene. With Zeenat Aman, Pran, Iftekhar, Om Shivpuri, Satyen Kappu, Jaira, Kamal Kapoor, Helen Jairag, Pincho Kapoor, Mae Mohan, Jaddish Raj and Maruti.

DONNIE BRASCO (fake) (1997 US) D: MIKE NEWELL W: PAUL ATTANSIO P: MARK JOHNSON/BARRY LEVINSON/LOUIS DIGIAIMO/GAIL MUTRUX Johnny Depp plays (real-life) undercover FBI agent Joseph D. Pistone, who gets close with ageing wiseguy mobster Al Pacino in NYC 1978. This much-praised feature based on Pistone and Richard Woodley’s book is well-acted (although Depp slips into some kind of DeNiro impersonation occasionally), has good period detail and is very watchable, but doesn’t really add much to the cop-getting-too-involved-with-his-quarry angle. Shop-worn dialogue like “you’re becoming like them” doesn’t help. It ended on a note that felt like it should have revealed more than it did. With Michael Madsen, James Russo, Anne Hache, Zeljk Ivanek, Bruno Kirby, Gerry Becker, Robert Miano, Zach Grenier, Gretchen Mol, Val Avery, Tim Bake Nelson and Paul Giamatti.

DONNIE DARKO (2001 US) D/W: RICHARD KELLY P: ADAM FIELDS/SEAN McKITTRICK/NANCY JUVONEN In 1988 (note the 80s soundtrack), a high school student under therapy and heavy medication (Jake Gyllenhaal) sleepwalks, hallucinates and talks to Frank, a man in a scary rabbit suit (James Duval). Frank tells him that there are 28 days left until the end of the world, and the engine from a jet plane lands on Gyllenhaals’s family house. Gyllenhaal’s hallucinations get more frequent and extreme, his sleepwalking activities get more destructive, and he works out time travel. Although overrated by some (it does have its faults), this is still a pretty interesting and extremely well made black comedy sci-fi filled with memorable and also funny moments. It seems inspired by diverse elements such as David Lynch and MILLENIUM (the Kris Kristofferson movie). With Holmes Osborne, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Drew Barrymore (also an executive producer), Katharine Ross, Mary McDonell, Patrick Swayze, Beth Grant, Jena Malone and Phil Hawn. A most impressive feature debut from a young film school graduate who had previously only made short student films. There was also the unrelated S. DARKO (2009).

DONOR (1996 JPN) D: MASATO SASAKI W: CHIAKI HASHIBA A new nurse (Shinobu Nakayama) at a hospital discovers why other nurses are being killed and having their vaginas removed. It turns out that a respected doctor is trying to create a womb for himself after his sex change operation. He plans to mate with a DNA clone of himself and birth the purest child to carry on the medical tradition. One hell of a plot, but Sasaki fumbles it by using overfamiliar horror trappings and false scares. Shame. With Aya Sugimoto.

DONOVAN’S BRAIN (1953 US) D/W: FELIX FEIST P: TOM GRIES Curt Siodmak’s novel had previously been filmed as THE LADY AND THE MONSTER (1944), but this is the most famous and easiest to see version that has become a favourite over the years. Lew Ayres is the scientist telepathically controlled by a crooked brain kept alive in a tank. The film is intelligent, interesting, exciting and moves at a fast pace, and is a must for b/w 50s fantasy and sci-fi addicts. With Nancy Davis (Reagan), Gene Evans, Steve Brodie, Tom Powers, John Hamilton, Harlan Warde, Don Brodie and Charles Sullivan. See also THE BRAIN (1964).

DON’T BE AFRAID See: MONSTERS CRASH THE PAJAMA PARTY

DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK (nightmare) (1973 US) D: JOHN NEWLAND W: NIGEL McKEAND P: ALAN S. EPSTEIN In this tv horror movie, Kim Darby and her insensitive, absent businessman husband move into an inherited big old house in the country. She removes a panel blocking a fireplace in a small basement room against a caretaker’s advice and frees some malevolent force (we hear many small voices). Objects move and things touch Darby all alone in the house, but hubby doesn’t believe her. This unusual obscurity is not that good, but the appearance of short demonic goblin creatures (one is Felix Silla) and a less-than-happy ending ensure that it’s fondly remembered by many tv movie addicts who caught it first time around. With Barbara Anderson and Pedro Armendariz Jr. Remade by producer (and major fan) Guillermo Del Toro in 2010.

DON’T BE A MENACE TO SOUTH CENTRAL WHILE DRINKING YOUR JUICE IN THE HOOD (hip hop hood) (1996 US) D: PARIS BARCLAY W: SHAWN WAYANS/MARLON WAYANS/PHIL BEAUMAN P: KEENEN IVORY WAYANS Awful spoof of “growing up in the hood” movies stars the Wayans and lampoons scenes from flicks like MENACE II SOCIETY, BOYZ’N’THE HOOD etc. There’s even an ABBY spoof, like in the Wayans’ earlier (and better) I’M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA. With Keith Morris from The Circle Jerks, Vivicia A. Fox, Omar Epps, Bernie Mac, Antonio Fargas and Guy Torry. The Wayans and Beauman collaborated on the even worse SCARY MOVIE next.

DON’T GIVE A DAMN (miu min bei; mou mian bei) (1995 HK) D/P: SAMMO HUNG W: SZETO CHEUKHON/ CHUNG WAI HUNG/PHILIP KWOK Hung is a vice cop at odds with his new boss Takeshi Kaneshiro, a hotshot young detective. Yuen Biao is a customs agent and Cathy Chow is Hung’s romantic interest in this comedic police drama with some action. The plot involves drug-dealing Japanese gangsters. There’s some good stunts and fighting (of course), but it’s mainly talk and comedy. But I kinda enjoyed watching it anyway. The most memorable (and racist) scene has Kaneshiro and Biao in blackface! It also has some anit-Japanese jokes. With Eileen Tung, Yip Wing Cho, Lau Kar Wing, Ngai Sing, Nat Chan Pak Cheung, Lau Kar Wing, Leung Kar Yan, Melvin Wong, Wu Ma, Blacky Ko, Richard Ng, Billy Lau, Chin Siu Ho, Peter Chan Lung and Miu Ki Wai.

DON’T GO IN THE HOUSE (1980 US) D/W: JOSEPH ELLISON W/P: ELLEN HAMMILL A traumatised young man in New Jersey frequents discos for female victims to take home. They end up in a secret steel room hanging from chains while he burns them to a crisp with a flame-thrower. Not particularly good filmmaking, with some loopy logic (how does one get a steel room installed?) but grisly, disturbing stuff with a memorable sad and sleazy 80s vibe. Horror fanatics should appreciate it. With Kim Roberts.

DON’T GO IN THE WOODS (don’t go in the woods… alone!) (1979 US) D/P: JAMES BRYAN W: GARTH ELIASSEN P: ROBERTO & SUZETTE GOMEZ Backpackers in Utah with very badly post-dubbed dialogue are killed off by a “Berserker” mountain man with a machete on a stick. The ridiculous use of music in this truly awful slasher flick makes it mildly amusing after a few drinks. Bryan also made the atrocious THE EXECUTIONER PART 2.

DON’T GO IN THE WOODS… ALONE! See: DON’T GO IN THE WOODS

DON’T GO NEAR THE PARK (nightstalker; curse of the living dead; sanctuary of evil) (1979 US) D/W/P: LAWRENCE D. FOLDES W: LINWOOD CHASE Thousands of years ago, a brother and sister are cursed by their old hag mother. They’re still around and stay (temporarily) young by ripping open youngsters’ chests and devouring hearts (the corpses age rapidly). Baby-faced Linnea Quigley rents a room to the brother, and ends up marrying him (despite the fact that they first meet when he barges into her house in a very scary way). They give birth to a girl called Bondie who runs away when she’s 16. After blowing up a van full of rapists (one is the director) with her magic amulet, she ends up at a ranch with a couple of other teen runaways and the aged sister, who tries to kill her to break the original curse. Aldo Ray has a useless role as a writer investigating something or other. The opening credits claim that it’s “based on actual occurrences that happened over the centuries” and mentions something about flesh-eating and magical plants. It doesn’t make much sense and is more fun to read about than watch. It was an official “video nasty” in the UK. A recent dvd release contains gore footage that was edited out for an R rating.

DON’T GO OUT AT NIGHT See: NIGHT OF THE SEAGULLS

DON’T LOOK DOWN (acrophobia) (1996 US) D: LARRY SHAW W: GREGORY GOODELL P: RANDY SUTTER/RICHARD FISCHOFF Megan Ward suffers severe acrophobia (fear of heights) after she failed to save her sister from falling off a cliff. She hears voices and joins a therapy group. Members of the group start dying and the killer’s identity is really easy to guess. Oh, and it’s pretty boring. This tv movie is “presented” by Wes Craven, an executive producer. With Benz Antoine.

DON’T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT (the forgotten) (1973 US) D/P: S.F. BROWNRIGG W: THOMAS POPE/ TIM POPE A new nurse arrives at an experimental rural asylum just after the doctor has been killed by an inmate with an axe. Anne MacAdams is the nurse who takes over as supervisor in the doctor’s place. This mildly effective low-budget horror was lensed in Texas by a guy who worked on Larry Buchanan pictures (MacAdams and some of the other cast are familiar from Buchanan flicks also). In the UK it ended up a “video nasty”, which gave it a more collectible status than it deserves.

DON’T LOOK NOW (a venezia… un dicembre rosso shocking) (1973 UK ITL) D: NICOLAS ROEG W: ALAN SCOTT/CHRIS BRYANT P: PETER KATZ Roeg’s third feature (after PERFORMANCE and WALKABOUT) is a highly regarded psychic mystery thriller based on a story by Daphne De Maurier. Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie are a married couple in Venice trying to get to grips with the death of their young daughter. A blind psychic claims to be able to see the little girl and that Sutherland (who becomes increasingly more paranoid) is in danger. Deliberate pacing may put some viewers off, but stick with it and you’ll be rewarded. With Clelia Matania, Massimo Serato, Renato Scarpa and Leopoldo Trieste. Roeg made THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH next.

DON’T LOOK UP (ghost actress; ghost of an actress; joyu-rei) (1996 JPN) D/W: HIDEO NAKATA W: HIROSHI NAKATA P: KOJI KOBAYASHI Comedian Yurei Yanaagi has the straight lead in this ghost story as director of a film production taking place in what appears to be a haunted studio. It pulls you along fine and only lasts 70 mins or so, but doesn’t really go anywhere interesting or scary. I guess people wanted to see it because director Nakata helmed the hit 1998 RING. With Toshie Negishi.

DON’T OPEN THE WINDOW See: THE LIVING DEAD AT MANCHESTER MORGUE

DON’T PANIC See: SATAN’S BLOOD

DON’T PLAY WITH FIRE See: DANGEROUS ENCOUNTERS: FIRST KIND

DON’T RIDE ON LATE NIGHT TRAINS See: NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS

DON’T SAY A WORD (2001 CAN) D: GARY FLEDER W: PATRICK SMITH KELLEY/ANTHONY PECKHAM P: ARNOLD & ANNE KOPELSON/ARNON MILCHAN NYC psychiatrist Michael Douglas has a new patient in the form of a highly traumatised young woman (Brittany Murphy) who’s imitating other patients’ symptoms so she can stay locked up. Sean Bean leads a bunch of crooks who have kidnapped Douglas’ little girl (Skye McCole Bartswick) in an attempt to procure a secret numerical code in Murphy’s head. They also monitor Douglas by phone and his bedridden wife (Famke Janssen) with hidden cameras. Jennifer Esposito is a cop who interferes. This adaption of Andrew Klavan’s novel could have been taut and tense, but instead is sloppy and unengaging. With Oliver Platt, Guy Torry, Vic Argo, Shawn Doyle, Paul Schulze, Lance Reddick, Aidan Devine, Alex Campbell, Philip Williams, Daniel Kash and Martin Roach. Filmed in Toronto.

DON’T TORTURE A DUCKLING (fanatismo; non si sevizia un paperino; voodoo) (1972 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: GIANFRANCO CLERICI/ROBERTO GIANVITI One of the most underrated features of all time and quite possibly Fulci’s best. All of Argento’s giallos pale in comparison to this raw, savage tale of child murder in a remote Sicilian mountain village. There’s an excellent chain-whipping in a cemetery set to music that predates Tarantino (and Scorsese) and does it better, and you probably won’t guess who the killer is. Only the ropey FX at the very end let it down a little. Tomas Milian stars, with Barabra Bouchet, Florinda Bolkan, Irene Papas, Georges Wilson, Andrea Aureli, Linda Sini and Franco Balducci. Disturbing and highly recommended.

DON’T WALK IN THE PARK See: KILL, BABY… KILL!

DOOMED TO DIE (1980) See: EATEN ALIVE!

THE DOOM GENERATION (1995 US FRA) D/W/P: GREGG ARAKI P: ANDREA SPERLING Rose McGowan and James Duval pick up Jonathan Schaech who kills a Vietnamese convenience store clerk and some other creep who bothers them in their aimless drive across the country from motel to motel. They fuck and swear a lot. This cartoonish dark comedy about Gen X types going nowhere fast has its moments but is mostly tiresome. With Lauren Tewes, Christopher Knight, Parker Posey, Margaret Cho, Amanda Bearse, Heidi Fleiss, Cress Williams, Nicky Katt, Zak Spears and Skinny Puppy as a murderous hate group at the end.

DOOM OF DRACULA See: HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN

DOOMSDAY (2008 UK US S.AFR GER) D/W: NEIL MARSHALL P: STEVEN PAUL/BENEDICT CARVER In the immediate future, a deadly Reaper virus outbreak in Scotland results in a hi-tech update of Hadrian’s Wall being built to quarantine the infected. Come 2033 and Rhona Mitra leads a military team into the northern wasteland to find survivors and a vaccine, the Reaper virus having resurfaced in a chaotic slum London. They encounter very 80s post-apocalyptic punk-look cannibals with modified vehicles and archaic weapons, and even medievalera armoured men on horseback, and castle dwellers wearing old garments! An obviously very tongue in cheek, deliberately ridiculous and hyperclichéd homage to ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK and MAD MAX (and countless others), it just about manages to fall the right side of fanboy, being quite good fun for most of the way through (though it is overlong). It also has a decent car chase and proper non-CGI gore in its favour. A step backwards from the director of DOG SOLDIERS and THE DESCENT, but a reasonably entertaining one. With Bob Hoskins, Malcolm McDowell (who narrates), Sean Pertwee, Alexander Siddig and Craig Conway as Sol. Apparently Tom Hanks voicing a bionic eyeball was dropped (wise move).

DOOMSDAY MACHINE (escape from planet earth) (1967 US) D: LEE SHOLEM/HERBERT J. LEDER (uncredited) D/P: HARRY HOPE W: STUART JAMES BYRNE In the future (1975!), an expedition to Venus is thrown into action ahead of schedule, and three of the male crew are swapped for female scientists (a blonde wearing a wig, a brunette, and a Russian redhead). It’s because the Chinese (called “chopstick jockeys”) have the title nuclear explosive, and sure enough our heroes witness the destruction of Earth (including closeups of cities flooding) from space. With four men and three women left to continue the human race on Venus, the brunette exclaims “I got myself railroaded into a stud poker game”. She (and a psycho rapist, played by Grant [INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN] Williams) end up suffocating (with bleeding eyes) in an airlock. The rest (including Denny Miller of TARZAN THE APE MAN [1959] fame, and Bobby Van as comic relief) are warned not to land on Venus by an alien voice, before being transported to an “adventure beyond the rim of the universe”. The End! David L. Hewitt is credited with some of the FX (also seen in Hewitt’s THE WIZARD OF MARS), but the better stuff was swiped from Toho’s GORATH (1962). With Ruta Lee, Casey Kasem, Mike Farrell, James Craig (from REVENGE OF DR. X) and Essie Lin Chia. It went unreleased until 1972. Sholem also made SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN.

DOOMSDAY PROPHECY (grand cross: doomsday prophecy) (2011 CAN) D/W: JASON BOURQUE W: SHAWN LINDEN P: GILLES LAPLANTE Because of some ill-defined cosmic alignment, the surface of the Earth becomes unstable, cracks and cities around the world plunge into the abyss (when they bother to show the destruction, the CGI is poor). A guy who works for a publishing company (A.J. Buckley) and an expert in ancient civilisations (Jewel Staite from MOTHMAN) are thrown together in a bid to save the planet by a dead Nostradamus-like prophet and reclusive writer, who instructs them via videotape. They have a metal rod that shows visions of the future. An old Indian man and his granddaughter help them escape from bad military types (Alan Slade — who played “Jim Robinson” on tv soap Neighbours for years! — is a General). Those Easter Island stone heads appear at the end. Pretty bad and increasingly dull Syfy release rips off the major disaster release 2012 (2009), and throws a bit of the Philip K. Dick adaptation NEXT (2007) into the mix. You may not have enjoyed either of those, but trust me, they were painless treats compared to this. With Hiro Kanagawa and some truly crummy dialogue.

DOOMWATCH (1972 UK) D: PETER SASDY W: CLIVE EXTON/GERRY DAVIS/DR. KIT PEDLER P: TONY TENSER Doomwatch was a tv series (that ran from 1970–72) about a crisis research centre that kept an eye on scientific irresponsibility, pollution and the ecological well-being of the British Isles. In this big-screen spin-off from Tigon, Ian Bannen finds the locals on a remote island are very strange and hostile. It turns out that radioactive waste being dumped in the sea has resulted in mutant fish that when consumed cause the islanders to develop acromegaly and a violent temper that sometimes results in death. Potentially interesting sci-fi eco-horror fumbles all the intriguing points, moves at a sluggish pace and is more silly than anything else. Select episodes of the series were better. With George Sanders in his penultimate role, Judy Geeson, Percy Herbert, Geoffrey Keen, Norman Bird, Michael Brennan, James Cosmo and George Woodbridge.

DOOR (1988 JPN) D/W: TOMOAKI TAKAHASHI W: MAMORU OIKAWA P: KOSUKE KURI Keiko Takahashi (the director’s wife) is a housewife whose husband is always away on business. One day a pushy salesman (Daijiro Tsutsumi) turns up at her door, and she hastily slams it shut on his hand when he tries to hand her a pamphlet. But your sympathies for him soon disappear when he starts stalking her, leaving cum-stained tissues in her mailbox and writing lewd messages on her door. The door-to-door psycho continues by harassing her on the phone and eventually breaks into her house to terrorise her and her little boy. There’s some gore when a chainsaw arrives on the scene. Very good, tight, suspenseful thriller.

DOOR 2: TOKYO DIARY (1991 JPN) D: TOMOAKI TAKAHASHI W: TOSHIYUKI MIZUTANI P: SHIGEHARU MATSUURA/TAKESHI AOSHIMA This is a completely unrelated “sequel”. It’s not even a horror movie, but it is good. Chikako Aoyama stars as a call girl who really enjoys her work for the thrill and excitement of not knowing what the next client is going to be like. That’s about it for plot, but a refreshing script (from the director of 1997’s HUMAN CHAIR) that avoids all the depressing clichés usually found in movies about prostitutes, is just as deftly handled by Takahashi as the suspense in the original DOOR. Worth a look for a change of pace. With Jo Yamanaka, Shingo Kazami, Tourou Minegishi, Hiroshi Inozuka, Keiko Takahashi (the director’s wife and star of the original) and the busy Ren Osugi.

DOOR 3 (1996 JPN) D: KIYOSHI KUROSAWA W: CHIAKI KONAKA P: MITSUO FUJITA/HIROSHI MURANO/ YUMIKO KOIZUMI Minako Tanaka is a door-to-door insurance saleslady who becomes infatuated with a mysterious, sophisticated and successful young man (Akiyasu Nakazawa). He turns out to be housing a dangerous sexual parasite (not unlike the ones in SHIVERS) that helps him control zombie-like women slaves. This sequel-in-name-only sucks. Slow, boring with no pay-off. With Tomoko Mayumi, Ryo Amamiya and (briefly) Ren Osugi. Kurosawa made the infinitely superior CURE the following year.

DOOR TO SILENCE (door into silence; le porte del silenzio) (1991 ITL) D/W: “H. SIMON KITTAY” (LUCIO FULCI) W: JERRY MADISON P: “JOE D’AMATO” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) John Savage is a Louisiana businessman driving home who slowly begins to realise that he’s dead. A mysterious hearse evades him and a woman (who turns out to be death in the laughable ending) follows him around. This very confused (and confusing) CARNIVAL OF SOULS-inspired nonsense was unfortunately the last film the late, great Fulci got to direct. I liked the black guy playing the washboard best. Laura Gemser (the Indonesian star of Massaccesi’s EMANUELLE films) was the costume designer.

DOORWAYS (1993 US) D: PETER WERNER W: GEORGE R.R. MARTIN P: JOHN G. STEPHENS A doctor helps a mysterious girl from a different galaxy find her way home by entering transdimensional doorways (as in the infinitely more entertaining CROSSWORLDS). This talky, boring feature has no action or FX to speak of, and its attempt at an alternative Earth are pathetic. Kurtwood Smith, Carrie-Anne Moss and Hoyt Axton are “guest stars”, with Robert Knepper, Max Grodenchik, Rick Dean and David Wells.

DOPE ADDICT See: REEFER MADNESS

DOPED YOUTH See: REEFER MADNESS

DOPPELGANGER (1969) See: JOURNEY TO THE FAR SIDE OF THE SUN

DOPPELGANGER (2002 JPN) D/W: KIYOSHI KUROSAWA W: TAKESHI FURASAWA P: ATSUYUKI SHIMODA/ MOTOO KAWABATA Koji Yakusho is a selfish, self-absorbed and headstrong inventor at a large research company, who is working on an “artificial human body chair” for paraplegics. One day his exact physical double just appears and starts stalking him. After a while he accepts the clone’s help with funding (through criminal acts) after he gets fired. Adopting a rambling, come-what-may style not unlike the director’s CHARISMA, this becomes very cartoonish and silly (including a RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK spoof) towards the end. Not to mention desperate. A nice concept, but obviously no one really knew how to develop it. With Hiromi Nagasaki, Yusuke Santamaria, Akira Emoto and Dankan.

DORIANA GRAY (die marquise von sade) (1976 SWITZ) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO P: ERWIN C. DIETRICH Lina Romay fucks a bunch of men and women at her big remote home. She also plays the part of her masturbating twin sister. Unappealing hardcore bore. With Olivier Mathot.

DORM (dek hor) (2005 THAI) D/W: SONGYOS SUGMAKANAN W: VANRIDEE PONGSITTISAK/CHONLADA TIAOSUWAN Advertised as a scary horror flick, this is actually a coming-of-age drama with a supernatural twist. Young Chatree is reluctantly sent away to a boys’ boarding school, befriends a ghost and grows up a bit. I suppose it’s ok for what it is (although overlong at two hours), but you should know what you’re getting into. At one point the boys are at an outdoor cinema showing a spoof of the MR. VAMPIRE series. There’s also a curiously high quota of pissing scenes for some reason.

DOUBLE AGENT ’73 (1970 US) D/W/P: DORIS WISHMAN Chesty Morgan returns in this follow up to DEADLY WEAPONS. It’s equally mind-numbing and unbelievable. This time she has a camera implanted in her breasts which will explode if she doesn’t follow through on her spy mission. There’s a slow motion scene of a guy getting hit by her swinging breasts and throughout the film a loud shutter noise is heard whenever she lifts her breasts to take photos. Incredible! Released in 1974.

DOUBLE BANG (2001 US) D/W: HEYWOOD GOULD P: MICHAEL P. FLANNIGAN/YORAM PELMAN/ROEE SHARON Cop William Baldwin wants to bring down small-time drug-dealing gangsters on the way up Jon Seda. Adam Baldwin (not one of the Baldwin brothers) is his partner on the take. With Richard Portnow, John Capodice and Elizabeth Mitchell. If you can tell these interchangeable cable filler thrillers apart then you might like it, but it all seems part of the same cliché-ridden story that you always end up falling asleep in front of to me.

DOUBLE BORDER See: EXTREME PREJUDICE

DOUBLE COMMANDO See: COMRADES IN ARMS

THE DOUBLE CON See: TRICK BABY

DOUBLE CROSS (1992) See: THE TRIPLE CROSS

DOUBLE CROSS (1994 US) D: MICHAEL KEUSCH W: HENRY C. PARKE P: ROBERT VINCE Patrick Bergin stars in this lame, unerotic “erotic” thriller. Kelly Preston is the femme fatale. With Jennifer Tilly, Matt Craven, Kevin Tighe, L. Harvey Gold, Gillian Barber, Philip Granger, Jerry Wasserman and Deryl Hayes. Filmed in Canada. Will they ever stop making these things?

DOUBLE DEAL (1939 US) D: ARTHUR DREIFUSS W: ARTHUR HOERL P: DIXON R. HARWIN Criminals who hang around a nightclub attempt to frame a young man for robbery and murder. Monte Hawley is the suave hero who figures it out. Jeni Le Gon is a dancer. This ok but forgettable independent all-black cast drama was one of the first helmed by Dreifuss. One of his last would be RIOT ON SUNSET STRIP. It’s in b/w, runs 58 mins and has some pretty funny comic relief. Prolific screenwriter Hoerl directed DRUMS O’VOODOO (1934).

DOUBLE DRAGON (1994 US) D: JIM YUKICH W: MICHAEL DAVIS/PETER GOULD/PAUL DINI/NEAL SHUSTERMAN P: SUNIL R. SHAH/ASH R. SHAH/ ALAN SCHECTER/JANE HAMSHER/DON MURPHY Robert Patrick is the villain in futuristic gang-ridden, half-drowned LA who wants the other half of the magical double dragon medallion. It’s owned by the martial arts-fighting orphan brothers Mark Dacascos and Scott Wolf (who say things like “eat some fist, buttheads”). This teen-appeal action movie (based on a video game) has unfunny wisecracks, lots of fights, explosions and a speedboat chase. With Alyssa Milano, George Hamilton, Vanna White, Julia Nickson-Soul, Al Leong and (briefly) Michael Berryman. It’s at least better than the later STREET FIGHTER and MORTAL KOMBAT movies.

DOUBLE GARDEN See: REVENGE OF DR. X

DOUBLE GAUNTLET See: MONTANA

DOUBLE IMPACT (1991 US) D/W: SHELDON LETTICH W/P: JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME W: STEVE MEESON/PETER KRIKES P: ASHOK AMRITRAJ It’s another lame Van Damme action movie. Except this time he plays twins whose parents were killed. One twin was raised in Hollywood by Geoffrey Lewis and can kick-box, while the other twin is a tough streetwise smuggler raised in Hong Kong. They don’t like each other (of course) but team up for revenge. The end result is you’ll be twice as bored. With Bolo Yeung and Julie Strain. It was copied by the more entertaining Jackie Chan vehicle TWIN DRAGONS.

DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944 US) D/W: BILLY WILDER W: RAYMOND CHANDLER Fred MacMurray is a successful insurance salesman who’s seduced by Barbara Stanwyck to murder her husband and make it look like an accident so they can collect on the insurance. Classic film noir based on James M. Cain’s novel has great dialogue and is gripping from beginning to end. With Edward G. Robinson (who’s particularly good), Porter Hall, Tom Powers, Fortunio Bonanova, Edmund Cobb, Kernan Cripps, Betty Farrington, Bess Flowers, Eddie Hall, George Magrill, Sam McDaniel, Clarence Muse, Dick Rush and Douglas Spencer.

DOUBLE INSIGHT FOR TRACI LORDS See: THE GRAFENBERG SPOT

DOUBLE JEOPARDY (olivia; prozzie; mad night) (1982 US W.GER) D/W/P: ULLI LOMMEL W: JOHN P. MARSH/RON NORMAN Olivia (Suzanne Love, looking great with dyed blonde hair) is a bored London housewife with an abusive husband. Because she witnessed her prostitute mother beaten to death by an American serviceman when as a child, she dresses as a streetwalker and talks to herself in secret. She picks up one guy who hangs out with mannequins in his room and smashes his head in with a glass vase. She also picks up American Robert Walker Jr., busy helping to restore London Bridge, but falls in love with him. Complications forward the plot to Arizona, four years later, and there’s a surprise ending. Lommel (who appears as a detective) is a curious director who lets glimpses of real talent shine through in his often trashy films. This one is typical of his style, low-key and slapdash, but also interesting and laced with an unusual dry wit (impossible to define, but it is there). Joel (son of Jerry) Goldsmith’s score is also very good. The mother seen in flashbacks is played by Warhol factory minor celebrity Bibbe Hansen. Lommel made this one between BOOGEYMAN movies (I think footage of the electric toothbrush murder here turned up in the sequel).

THE DOUBLE MAN (1967 UK) D: FRANKIN J. SCHAFFNER W: ALFRED HAYES/HENRY MAXFIELD/ FRANK TARLOFF P: HAL E. CHESTER Spy Yul Brynner goes to Austria after his son is murdered in a skiing “accident”. The gimmick in this forgettable but fast-moving thriller is that there’s another enemy spy with his face (after plastic surgery). It’s based on Max Maxfield’s novel Legacy of a Spy. With Britt Ekland, Clive Revill, Anton Diffring, Lloyd Nolan, Douglas Muir, Julia Arnall and Schaffner (PLANET OF THE APES).

007 — YOUR EYES ONLY See: FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

DOUBLE POSSESSION See: GANJA AND HESS

DOUBLE REACTION See: A BREED APART (1998)

DOUBLE TARGET (doppio bersaglio) (1987 ITL) D/W: “VINCENT DAWN” (BRUNO MATTEI) W: “CLYDE ANDERSON” (CLAUDIO FRAGASSO)/ GIOVANNI PAOLUCCI P: FRANCO GUADENZA Miles O’Keeffe (ATOR) battles Russian terrorists in Vietnam and rescues his son in this routine action flick. Donald Pleasence is good as always as a slimy, asthmatic senator for defence. With Bo Svenson, “Alan Collins” (Luciano Pigozzi), Massimo Vanni and badly edited in stock footage of a shark attack. [Illus.]

DOUBLE TEAM (the colony) (1997 US) D: TSUI HARK W: DON JAKOBY/PAUL MONES P: MOSHE DIAMANT Here’s another useless Hollywood crossover made by a Hong Kong filmmaker. Jean-Claude Van Damme escapes from an island colony for “dead” goverment agents (copied from brilliant 60s The Prisoner tv series) and teams up with Dennis Rodman to save his wife and unborn child from terrorist Mickey Rourke. A totally surprising skydiving scene is the only part worth seeing. With Paul Freeman, Natacha Lindriger, Valeia Cavalli, Dominic Gould, Orsa Maria Guerrini, Hans Meyer and Umberto Raho. Filmed in France and Italy.

DOUBLE VISION (seung tung; shuang tong) (2002 TAI HK) D/W/P: CHEN KUO FU W: SU ZHAO BIN When dead bodies start turning up with inexplainable death symptoms, American FBI agent David Morse comes to Taiwan to help solve the case. Traumatised, depressed foreign affairs agent Tony Leung is his reluctant partner. What sounds like plenty of other films is in fact a (mostly) top-notch hybrid of police procedural thrills and supernatural elements. To say any more would spoil the surprise. The only problem is that it can’t possibly pay off, leading to a weak final act. But it’s still well worth a look. With Leon Dai and some good gore.

DOWN (the shaft) (2001 US NETH) D/W/P: DICK MAAS P: LAUREN GEELS The elevators of an NYC skyscraper start killing people (decapitation, spitting them out the top windows, etc). Reporter Naomi Watts (MULLHOLLAND DR.) and ex-marine Desert Storm vet/elevator repairman James Marshall investigate. Michael Ironside is the German research scientist responsible. This very silly horror/disaster movie is entertaining, but could have done with being about 20 mins shorter. Maas had already filmed the same story years earlier as THE LIFT (1983). This remake was filmed in New York and the Netherlands. With Dan Hedaya, Ron Perlman, Edward Herrmann, Brian Anthony Wilson and Michael J. Reynolds.

DOWNBEAT See: DADDY-O

DOWN’N’DIRTY (2000 US) D/P: FRED WILLIAMSON W: MICHAEL THOMAS MONTGOMERY P: ROGER MENDE/LINDA WILLIAMSON God-awful boring cop thriller stars Williamson (as his character from NIGHT VISION, detective Dakota Smith) investigating the death of his partner. Guest stars with nothing better to do are POLICE ACADEMY regular Bubba Smith (what’s wrong with his hair?), Gary Busey getting a blow-job, David Carradine and Charles Napier, with Tony Lo Bianco, Andrew Divoff and Sam J. Jones.

DRABBLE See: THE BLACK WINDMILL

DRACULA (1931 US) D/W/P: TOD BROWNING W: GARRETT FORT/LOUIS BROMFIELD/LOUIS STEVENS P: CARL LAEMMLE JR. Of course, classic horror films from yesteryear must be watched with the time factor in mind. Titles from the 80s seem dated, let alone the “golden age” 30s. Browning’s DRACULA is good, but watching it now is a much harder task than FRANKENSTEIN or THE MUMMY. The fact that it was directly based on a stage play (by Hamilton Deane and John L. Balderston) version of Bram Stoker’s novel doesn’t help. Bela Lugosi seems to be constipated rather than menacing, his facial expressions always pretty puzzling. Probably the best thing upon viewing nowadays is Dwight Frye as a demented Renfield. It remains essential viewing for the horror film fan/historian though. With Helen Chandler, David Manners, Edward Van Sloan as Van Helsing, John Standing, Charles K. Gerard, Michael Visaroff and Browning. The photography is by Karl Freund.

DRACULA (1931 US) D: GEORGE MELFORD/ENRIQUE TOVAR AVALOS W: GARRETT FORT/DUDLEY MURPHY/BALTASAR FERNANDEZ CUE While Tod Browning was making DRACULA with Bela, this b/w Spanish-language version was filmed on the same Universal sets (with slightly different set design and lighting) at night. Carlos Villarias is the count, Pablo-Alvarez is a great Renfield, Barry Norton is Juan (!) Harker, Lupita Tovar is Lucy (here called Eve) and Eduardo Arozamesa is Van Helsing. To deny its place alongside Browning’s version would be unfair. It’s very close for a lot of the time, but the pacing is better and it’s definitely less creaky. With Manuel Arbo and footage from Browning’s never used alternate takes (you can even see Bela in a longshot). It would be nice to see other takes on horror standards from this era to get a release (if they’re not lost).

DRACULA (horror of dracula) (1958 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: JIMMY SANGSTER P: ANTHONY HINDS After the success of THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, Hammer made this even better first colour adaptation of Bram Stoker’s story. Christopher Lee IS Dracula and Peter Cushing is as good at Van Helsing as he is at Frankenstein. Lee’s count does not shy away from the sexual, sensual overtones of Stoker’s novel and Hammer delighted in giving its audience (somewhat prim) raunchiness (and, of course, blood). The finale in which sunlight turns Dracula to dust is a classic. With Charles Lloyd-Pack, George Merritt, George Woodbridge, Miles Malleson and Geoffrey Bayldon. James Bernard provides the score. The first official sequel was DRACULA, PRINCE OF DARKNESS, but they made the non-Lee THE BRIDES OF DRACULA before that. Lee and Cushing were together again in THE MUMMY.

DRACULA (1974) See: BLOOD FOR DRACULA

DRACULA (king of the vampire; il bacio di dracula) (2002 ITL) D/W: ROGER YOUNG W: ERIC LERNER P: PAOLO DE CRESCENZO This update of Bram Stoker’s novel to modern times was originally a miniseries. I saw a condensed feature version. I guess it’s ok for what it is, but did we really need another version? Patrick Bergin makes a very dull prince of darkness, and this doesn’t really emphasise the horror much. Giancarlo Giannini is the Van Helsing type, with Stefania Rocca as Mina, Muriel Baumeister as Lucy and Kai Wiesinger as Dr. Seward. I didn’t spot Andrew Divoff, credited on IMDb, so maybe he’s only in the full-length version.

DRACULA II: ASCENSION (2003 US) D/W: PATRICK LUSSIER W/P: JOEL SOISSON P: W.K. BORDER Medical student/morgue attendants Diane Neal and Jason London get the body of a burnt vampire delivered to their morgue. Wheelchair-bound Prof. Craig Sheffer instructs them and some other youngsters on how to bring it back to life (it’s bathed in blood), and soon Drac/Vlad/Judas (who now has an obsessivecompulsive counting disorder, in what must be a homage to Sesame Street!) is tied up in a warehouse under UV lights, while they study its blood for healing properties. Jason Scott Lee costars as a whip-wielding Van Helsing character who’s been infected. With Brande Roderick, John Light and a hardly-in-it Roy Scheider as a priest. This rather annoying sequel to DRACULA 2000 was shot back to back with part three in Romania.

DRACULA A.D. 1972 (dracula 73) (1972 UK) D: ALAN GIBSON W: DON HOUGHTON P: JOSEPHINE DOUGLAS Penultimate entry in Hammer’s Dracula series has the always evil-looking Christopher Neame (as Johnny Alucard) resurrecting the count (Christopher Lee) in 70s London. Stephanie Beacham (who wears some horrible fashions) is the damsel in distress, but luckily her father (Peter Cushing) is a Van Helsing. Watchable, but pretty desperate filmmaking from a studio on its last legs. With Caroline Munro, Michael Kitchen and Stoneground playing at a party. THE SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA was the final entry.

DRACULA AGAINST FRANKENSTEIN See: DRACULA, PRISONER OF FRANKENSTEIN

DRACULA EXOTICA (love at first gulp) (1981 US) D/W/P: “WARREN EVANS”, “K. SCHWARTZ” (SHAUN COSTELLO) Much better sequel to 1978’s LUST AT FIRST BITE has Jamie Gillis return as Dracula. This one is set in the future (1990) for no apparent reason. If you like SM hardcore then you should enjoy, it has medieval orgies with a bloody ass-whipping, a lolita fetish scene, hard fellatio and even corpse fondling in a morgue. Gillis is in his element humiliating women, so his performance is much more satisfying. With Ron Jeremy, Vanessa Del Rio, Samantha Fox, Bobby Astyr, Eric Edwards, Herschel Savage, Dave Ruby, Randy West and Marlene Willoughby. Costello made the classics THE ENEMA BANDIT and FORCED ENTRY.

DRACULA HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE (1968 UK) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W: “JOHN ELDER” (ANTHONY HINDS) P: AIDA YOUNG Christopher Lee returns from his icy grave in this third entry in Hammer’s cycle, only to find his castle has been exorcised by a priest. The hero’s lack of faith results in Lee yanking a stake out of his heart in a memorable and unique scene (the script concentrates on the religious aspects of the myth). Francis (who took over after Terence Fisher broke his leg) has made a good entry that’s not quite up to the level of the previous two. But it’s still a nice continuation that leads right into TASTE THE BLOOD OF DRACULA. With Michael Ripper.

DRACULA IN ISTANBUL See: DRAKULA ISTANBUL’DA

DRACULA IN PAKISTAN See: THE LIVING CORPSE

DRACULA, PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1965 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: “JOHN SANSOM” (JIMMY SANGSTER/ANTHONY HINDS) P: ANTHONY NELSON KEYS Hammer’s follow up to their hit DRACULA (opening with the final disintegration scene from that) is atmospheric and entertaining. Lee returns as the Count who has a great, gory resurrection scene, and Peter Cushing is replaced by vampire-hunting monk Andrew Keir. It’s one of the few vampire movies that relies on running water (as opposed to a stake through the heart) to do away with Dracula in the memorable end scene. This was filmed back to back with RASPUTIN, THE MAD MONK which also starred Lee and shares some cast members and sets. With Barbara Shelley, Charles Tingwell, Thorley Walters, George Woodbridge and Jack Lambert. DRACULA HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE was the direct sequel.

DRACULA, PRISONER OF FRANKENSTEIN (dracula against frankenstein; dracula vs dr. frankenstein; the screaming dead; dracula contra frankenstein; dracula contra el dr. frankenstein; dracula prissoneir de frankenstein; dracula prissonier du docteur frankenstein) (1972 SPN FRA POR LICH) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO W: PAUL D’ALES P: ROBERT DE NESLE/LUIS LASALA I first saw this as a kid in a rare instance when it turned up on late-night tv in the UK. Back then it was hilarious. Catching up with it again recently was a more sobering experience. Although it does have inept moments, it’s hardly belly laugh central. In fact the tale of Dr. Frankenstein (Dennis Price) and his revival of Dracula (Howard Vernon) is so impenetrably dull that it’s difficult to analyse it all. Suffice to say it’s not good entertainment, unless you’re a young horror fan who likes late-night tv. With Alberto Dalbes, Luis Barboo and a werewolf. It was shot back to back with THE EROTIC RITES OF FRANKENSTEIN.

DRACULA RISING (1992 US) D: FRED GALLO W: RODMAN FLENDER/DANIELLA PURCELL P: ROGER CORMAN Art restorer Stacy Travis goes from LA to Romania to work in a castle where vampire Vlad (Christopher Atkins) resides. This romantic horror quickie is all about the doomed love between Atkins (who’s a terrible Dracula) and Travis’ earlier witch incarnation. Different, but not good. Screenwriter Flender later made IDLE HANDS.

DRACULA’S BRIDE See: LUST AT FIRST BITE

DRACULA’S CASTLE See: BLOOD OF DRACULA’S CASTLE

DRACULA’S DAUGHTER (daughter of dracula) (1936 US) D: LAMBERT HILLYER W: GARRETT FORT P: E.M. ASHER Universal’s b/w follow up to DRACULA is not so much a horror film as a psychological melodrama with supernatural undertones, and a pretty badly dated and uninvolving one at that. Gloria Holden is the Count’s descendant, badly in need of help from psychologist/doctor Otto Kruger. Edward Van Sloan returns as Van Helsing. With Irving Pichel, Marguerite Churchill, Hedda Hopper, Gilbert Emery, Halliwell Hobbes, Billy Bevan, Claud Allister, Edgar Norton, E.E. Clive, David Dunbar, Gordon Hart, Guy Kingsford, George Kirby, Eily Malyon, Christian Rub, George Sorel, Bert Sprotte, Vernon Steele, Wilhelm von Brincker, Paul Weigel, Eric Wilton and Douglas Wood. Kind-of remade as NADJA in 1994. SON OF DRACULA followed.

DRACULA’S DOG See: ZOLTAN, HOUND OF DRACULA

DRACULA ’71 See: BRAM STOKER’S COUNT DRACULA

DRACULA 73 See: DRACULA A.D. 1972

DRACULA SUCKS See: LUST AT FIRST BITE

DRACULA TODAY See: DRACULA A.D. 1972

DRACULA 2000 (dracula 2001; draculea) (2000 US) D/W: PATRICK LUSSIER W/P: JOEL SOISSON/W.K. BORDER A gang of thieves led by Jennifer Esposito and Omar Epps break into a booby trapped museum vault and make off with a coffin that contains the remains of Dracula. The count (Gerard Butler) is soon gaining disciples (including Jeri Ryan, Vitamin C, Esposito and Epps) while going after Mary Van Helsing. Her vampire hunter father figure is played by Christopher Plummer (who should get better film roles). His dashing young hero assistant is Jonny Lee Miller. We don’t really need another version of Dracula, especially one that’s filled with bad wisecracks, too many Virgin plugs and Drac as Judas! It was mostly filmed in Toronto but that is the real Mardi Gras. With Danny Masterson, Lochlyn Munro, Sean Patrick Thomas and Shane West. Wes Craven “presents” this and two sequels (beginning with DRACULA II: ASCENSION).

DRACULA VS. DR. FRANKENSTEIN See: DRACULA, PRISONER OF FRANKENSTEIN

DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN (blood of frankenstein; they’re coming to get you; the blood seekers; the revenge of dracula; satan’s bloody freaks; teenage dracula) (1967/71 US) D/W: AL ADAMSON W: WILLIAM PUGSLEY W/P: SAMUEL M. SHERMAN P: JOHN VAN HORNE Dracula (the odd-looking but effective Zandor Vorkof) forces wheelchair bound Dr. Frankenstein (J. Carrol Naish) to revive his monster (big John Bloom under lots of pre-latex makeup) to help capture his prey. Naish has a lab in a weird walk-through fright show at an amusement park where Angelo Rossitto is the carny barker. A mute Lon Chaney Jr. looks pathetic on his last legs as Naish’s smiling killer assistant Groton. Thanks to repeated latenight tv screenings in North America this is by far the most famous and beloved of Al Adamson’s films. And despite the fact that everything is wrong and it doesn’t make any sense it still holds up as one of his most watchable (even Adamson fans find many of his films to the contrary) and oddly enjoyable. Forrest J. Ackerman (who the legendary Sherman had worked for) appears as a victim, so it got lots of press in Famous Monsters of Filmland, of course. As well as Regina Carrol’s LSD trip, other stuff added in 71 include Russ Tamblyn (from SATAN’S SADISTS) and Anthony Eisley as bikers. With Jim Davis, Adamson and loyal Adamson regulars (in front of and behind the camera) Greydon Clark, Gary Kent and Gary Graver.

DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN (assignment: terror; operazione terrore; el hombre que vino del ummo; dracula jagt frankenstein; los monstruos del terrore) (1969 SPN W.GER ITL) D: TULIO DEMISCHELLI/ HUGO FREGONESE (uncredited)/EBERHARD MEISCHNER (uncredited) W: JACINTO MOLINA P: JAIME PRADES Two aliens come to Earth disguised as recently dead scientists, male (Michael Rennie) and female. They plot to take over Earth by resurrecting our most feared monsters (I guess, it’s never clear, not helped by the choppy English dub print in circulation). Dracula (never called that) is barely seen (and doesn’t get to fight the Frankenstein monster, who may be played by Fernando Bilbao). Paul Naschy (aka screenwriter Molina) is werewolf Waldemar Daminsky (for the third time since FRANKENSTEIN’S BLOODY TERROR, if you count the lost THE NIGHTS OF THE WEREWOLF). There’s also a (very thin) mummy. Craig Hill is an Inspector investigating murder and falls for Karin Dor. With Angel del Pozo as the vampire, Manuel de Blas and real open heart surgery footage. It’s fairly enjoyable hokum, but Naschy fans ought to know he’s not in it much. Apparently Fregonese was the original director who quit, and Demischelli (known for his westerns) stepped in. I have no idea what Meischner did. Naschy returned as Daminsky in THE FURY OF THE WOLFMAN. Not to be confused with Al Adamson’s anti-classic DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN.

DRAG ME TO HELL (spell) (2009 US) D/W/P: SAM RAIMI W: IVAN RAIMI P: GRANT CURTIS/ROB TAPERT Loan Manager Alison Lohman finds herself cursed by a scary old gypsy woman (Lorna Raver), a curse which manifests itself in some good scares and slapstick gross-out set pieces. Nothing original for Raimi, but good, ridiculous fun from start to finish, with its tongue firmly in cheek. With Justin Long, Dileep Rao, David Paymer, Reggie Lee, Adriana Barraza, composer Christopher Young, Joanne Baron, Octavia Spencer, Scott Spiegel, an offscreen Ted Raimi and visual references to the EVIL DEAD movies, and (nice surprise) Ed Wood’s NIGHT OF THE GHOULS!

THE DRAGON AND THE COBRA See: FIST OF FEAR, TOUCH OF DEATH

THE DRAGON AND THE TIGER KIDS See: THE HELL’S WIND STAFF

DRAGON AND TIGER WAYS See: KUNG FU: THE INVINCIBLE FIST

THE DRAGON ATTACK See: FANTASY MISSION FORCE

DRAGON BRUCE LE See: CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER

DRAGON BRUCE LEE PART 2 (jeongmumun ’81) (1981 S.KOR) D: “TO LO PO” (LEE EUN) P: KIM KI YOUNG You expect crap when watching an obscure kung fu flick that tries to deceive you with an unlikely Bruce Lee connection. And that’s just what you get here. Dragon Lee stars, with Bolo Yeung (and his dodgy moustache) as the villain and Phillip Ko Fei. To Lo Po has also been known to be a pseudonym for Lee Tso Nam, but you don’t get anything approaching the masterblaster’s “shapes” in this one.

THE DRAGON DIES HARD See: BRUCE LEE WE MISS YOU

DRAGON FIGHTER (struggle through death; chong po gong fu cheng) (1981 TAI) D/W: CHEUNG SAN YEE P: FU BING CHEUNG John Liu (also in the director’s INCREDIBLE KUNG FU MISSION) ends up as a slave in a gold mine in this passable kung fu quickie. He and other oppressed men (including weak link Ngai Ping Ngo) plan and train to escape. Liu Fai’s fight choreography is unremarkable but slick enough to keep things rolling along at a nice pace. With Ma Cheung and someone credited as Fuck Cheung!

DRAGON FIGHTER (2003 US) D/W/P: PHILLIP J. ROTH W: MICHAEL BALDWIN P: JEFFERY BEACH Scientists at an underground research facility manage to successfully incubate a dragon from an ancient DNA sample. Of course it escapes and breathes fire everywhere. Dean Cain is the new security chief hero and helicopter pilot. It’s not really very good and is loaded with cheap CGI FX, but there aren’t many claustrophobic ALIEN clones with dragons, so it’s at least a little different. I suspect it was inspired by the major release dragon movie REIGN OF FIRE.

THE DRAGON FLIES See: THE MAN FROM HONG KONG

THE DRAGON FROM RUSSIA (hung cheung fei lung; gong chang fei long) (1990 HK) D: CLARENCE FOK W: ELLA CHAN BO WA P: DEAN SHEK Disappointing live-action version of the Japanese CRYING FREEMAN animation series stars Sam Hui as the kidnapped, brainwashed assassin unable to remember his past with Maggie Cheung. Long-winded and extremely unimaginative (compared to other Hong Kong action and fantasy films of the period). A later version starred Mark Dacascos. With Carrie Ng, Dean Shek, Loletta Lee, Yuen Wah, Yuen Tak (also the fight choreographer), Pai Ying and Lau Shun. Fok made NAKED KILLER next.

DRAGON FROM SHAOLIN (dragon in shaolin; lung joi sui lam; long zai zhao lin) (1996 TAI) D: KENNY HA W: LEE PO CHEUNG/MAK KAI CHUNG P: MARK WU A little kid from Shaolin goes with an escort into the city to broaden his horizons. But he gets lost, makes a little friend and forces Yuen Biao into helping them (with a beer drinking contest!). Chinese art thieves are villains. With Vivian Hsu, Kara Hui, Lau Kar Ying and Elvis Tsui. Forgettable HOME ALONE-esque nonsense with some kung fu.

DRAGON GATE INN (dragon inn; lung moon haak chan; long men ke zhan) (1967 TAI) D/W: KING HU P: Y.F. SHA A lot of early, late-60s martial arts films (mostly historical dramas with little action) are dated and slow and a chore to sit through. However, King Hu’s landmark swordplay movie is a classic of its kind that still holds up today as a good, suspenseful chase/action-adventure film. When a dead emperor’s first eunuch (Pai Ying) defeats his opponents for power, he sends out assassins to ambush any avengers on their way to town. Shih Jun and Polly Shang Kuan star as the patriotic flies in the ointment who help the avengers defeat this corrupt new power. With Cho Kin, Hsu Feng, Got Siu Bo, Phillip Ko Fei, Roc Tien, Go Ming, Han Ying Chieh (who also choreographed the action), Man Chung San, Miu Tin, Sit Hon, Ngai Ping Ngo, Liu Chu and Cheung Wan Man. It was remade 25 years later.

DRAGON GATE INN (1992) See: DRAGON INN

DRAGONHEAD (2003 JPN) D/W: JOJHI IIDA W: MASARU NARAMURA/HIROSHI SAITO P: TAKASHI HIRANO Satoshi Tsumabuki (SABU) and idol Sayaka are the high school teen survivors of a bullet train wreck in a tunnel who discover that the outside world is also in ruins after some kind of apocalyptic explosion (volcanoes?). They wander across impressive sets covered in white ash (in Uzbekistan?) until they reach Tokyo and find everyone either mad or zombified on drugged food that removes their sense of fear. It’s an ok two hours, but nothing you haven’t seen before done better, and it doesn’t really go anywhere. With Takayuki Yamada, Naohito Fujiki, Kyusuka Shimada, Minori Terada and Jinpachi Nezu. Based on a manga by Minetaro Mochizuki, and reminiscent of the British miniseries CRUEL EARTH.

DRAGONHEART (1996 US) D: ROB COHEN W: PATRICK READ JOHNSON/CHARLES EDWARD POGUE P: RAFAELLA DE LAURENTIIS Dennis Quaid is a medieval dragon slayer who befriends a dragon (with the voice of Sean Connery). Together they rid the land of evil King David Thewlis who somehow shares half of his heart with the dragon. Ok entertainment, especially for kids. With Pete Postlethwaite, Dina Meyer, Brian Thompson, Julie Christie, Jason Isaacs and John Gielgud.

DRAGONHEART: A NEW BEGINNING (2000 US) D: DOUG LEFLER W: SHARI GOODHARTZ P: RAFFAELLA DE LAURENTIIS Cheaper direct-to-video sequel tells the story of how a monk befriends a young lonely dragon who can’t fly or breathe fire. The FX are fine and it’s ok for kids (who I’m sure will appreciate the dragon farting fire), but it’s not really very good. With Harry Van Gorkum.

DRAGON INN (1967) See: DRAGON GATE INN

DRAGON INN (new dragon gate inn; dragon gate in; san lung moon haak chan; xing long men ke zhan) (1992 HK) D: RAYMOND LEE W/P: TSUI HARK W: CHARCOAL TAN/HIU WING Here’s a remake of DRAGON GATE INN. Tony Leung and Brigitte Lin are the sword fighting couple who rescue two wrongly imprisoned children from Eunuch villains (led by Donnie Yen) after power during the Ming Dynasty. The two parties cross paths at a remote desert inn where human meat pies are made. Maggie Cheung runs the place. This has its moments (like the final duel in the desert), but not enough to compete with the original classic. With Lawrence Ng, Yuen Cheung Yan, Yen Shi Kwan, Lau Shun, Hung Yan Yan and Yuen Bun (who choreographed with Ching Siu Tung). It was filmed in the Gobi desert.

THE DRAGON LIVES See: BRUCE LEE, THE MAN, THE MYTH

THE DRAGON LIVES AGAIN (deadly hands of kung fu; li san jiao wei zhei di yu men; lee saam geuk wai jan dei yuk moon) (1977 HK) D: LAW KEI W: KE SHEUK/LEUNG WAI P: ALEX GOUW Bruce Lee (Bruce Leung) wakes up in the underworld after his death. People’s faces alter after death apparently, which is why he looks nothing like Bruce Lee. Also in the underworld (looking suspiciously like the same old Chinese town sets seen a million times before) there are other non-lookalikes: James Bond, Zatoichi, Clint Eastwood, The Exorcist (with a French accent), Emmanuelle, The Godfather, the one-armed swordsman (who does actually look like Wang Yu) and (assistant director) Eric Tsang as Popeye! Not to mention Dracula and his “zombie” followers (guys in skintight body costumes with a skeleton print, who screech like cats). A bunch of mummies turn up at the end, too! Fuck knows what the plot is about, but “Lee” gets to go back to Earth at the end. Clearly supposed to be a comedy to a certain degree, the nonstop wackiness wears thin midway through, and the fight choreography is awful. But how many chances will you get to see all these stars in one place! The music (when it isn’t stolen) is by Frankie Chan. With Hong Gwok-Choi, Fong Yau, Yuen Siu Tien, Ho Pak-Kwong, Wong Mei, Sai Gwa-Paau, Cheung Hei and Chow Gat. From Goldig Films.

DRAGON ON FIRE (enter three dragons; three avengers) (1978 HK) D: “JOSEPH KONG” W: SZETO ON P: “TOMAS TANG”/JOSEPH LAI Basically the story is about Dragon Heung (Bruce Lai) coming to town to help a friend (some black martial artist I didn’t recognise, but he had some moves so may be well known in more knowledgeable circles of kung fu fandom) who’s been framed for stealing goods from his boss (Kong Do), but this fucking thing’s all over the place. What it does have in its favour is wall-to-wall fighting, some of which is pretty good, making it worthwhile for kung fu fans who can’t get enough. Dragon Lee imitates Bruce Lee to a ridiculous, laughable degree. Phillip Ko Fei is the main villain. Bolo Yeung has a cameo and is referred to as having “a large body, but a very retarded mind”. With Cheung Lik, Tiger Yang, San Kuai, Lee Hoi-Sang, Fong Yau, crosseyed To Siu-Ming and sped-up comic relief scenes. Bruce Lea (of BRUCE LEE FIGHTS BACK FROM THE GRAVE [1976] fame) may also be in it. The director pseudonym was later used for the Korean director of 1981’s THE CLONES OF BRUCE LEE. Don’t know if this is the same guy responsible. “Godfrey Ho” was the co-director (that could be anyone, too, come to think of it). Not to be confused with THE DRAGON, THE HERO (1979), a John Liu vehicle also known as DRAGON ON FIRE.

DRAGON ON FIRE (1979) See: THE DRAGON, THE HERO

DRAGON PINK (1994-95 JPN ANIMATED) D: WATARU FUJII P: YUTARO MICHIZUKI (same credits for all entries) A sexy half cat/half woman (or something like that) fights oversexed demons in this derivative, forgettable and unimaginative three-part erotic anime series based on Iyotoko’s comic and RPG video game. I saw a version with each episode running approximately 25 mins, I believe it to be cut and the original version to be much more sexually explicit. Most surprising credit has Godzilla sequel veteran Jun Fukuda as performance director of the voice actors. The second episode is an improvement over the first entry, with our cat slave heroine having to put up with more sexy degradation. You also have female fairy cum collecting and a very cool giant crab. Also, discover the power of “liquid protein” in the merely ok final instalment that rounds out a passable series for hentai completists only.

DRAGON’S CLAWS (ng chau sap baat; wu zhao shi ba fan) (1979 HK) D/P: JOSEPH KUO W: CHANG PING HANG P: LI YUK HING/SUSANNA KUO Jimmy Liu must avenge the murder of his parents at the hands of traitorous Hwang Jang Lee (Osaka born “king of the leg fighters” who taught Tae Kwon Do to the Korean army) and his red and green henchmen. Down and out old medicine man Wang Pao Chien teaches him dragon’s claw style to defeat Hwang (and during the final duel, Liu displays a style called “pissing toad”). The training scenes involve big golden balls and a rotating log. In a memorably dodgy scene the old man collects young boys’ urine for medicinal purposes. The fighting is great (Shih Fu Tzu is credited with the choreography) and this is another superior entry from Kuo, the king of independent kung fu. With Hong Gwok Choi, Jue Tit Woh, Chan Lau and goofy sound FX. Best smarmy kung fu insult: “You’re not yet a man. But you’re almost a corpse.”

DRAGONS FOREVER (fei lung maang cheung; fei long meng jiang) (1986 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG/COREY YUEN KWAI W: SZETO CHEUKHON Through a series of plot convolutions and various misadventures, lawyer Jackie Chan, arms dealer Hung and cat burglar Yuen Biao end up fighting drug factory gangsters (Yuen Wah is great as the mob boss) in this top-notch action movie. Sure the goofy mugging “comedy” is here, but the incredible (and brutal) fights and stunts (choreographed by the masterful Hung) are dished out regularly. Great fun. With Deannie Yip, Dick Wei, Billy Chow, Shing Fui-On, Roy Chiao as a judge, Lo Lieh, Phillip Ko Fei, Stanley Fung, Benny Urquidez, James Tin Jun, Lee Ka Ting, Wu Fung, Tai Bo, Fung Hak On, Chung Faat, Peter Chan Lung, Lam Wai, Yuen Miu, Chin Kar Lok, Lau Kar Wing and Johnny Cheung Wa. It was the starring trio’s final film together (to date).

DRAGONS OF THE ORIENT (dong fang ju long) (1988 HK) D: ROCKY LAU Our on-screen male and female narrators (he claims to be Jet Li’s sparring partner, and she’s a sports reporter) travel around China (beginning at Shaolin) in order to chronicle the development of martial arts. Jet Li fans are the only people who may want to check it out for footage of him demonstrating drunken sword technique.

DRAGON’S TEETH See: MEN FROM THE MONASTERY

A DRAGON STORY See: BRUCE LEE SECRET

DRAGON: THE BRUCE LEE STORY (1993 US) D/W: ROB COHEN W: EDWARD KHAMARA/JOHN RAFFO P: RAFFAELLA DE LAURENTIIS Jason Scott Lee stars as Bruce Lee in this ok biopic based on widow Linda Lee and Robert Clouse’s book, and is therefore very whitewashed (and doesn’t mention his childhood films), but more accurate then several previous attempts. Linda is played here by Lauren Holly. With Robert Wagner, Nancy Kwan, Van Williams, Michael Learned, Paul Mantee, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Clyde Kusatsu, Shannon Lee, Cohen and a clip from BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S (1961) illustrating racist Hollywood Oriental stereotypes.

THE DRAGON, THE HERO (dragon on fire; za jia gao shou) (1979 TAI) D: GODFREY HO W: SZE TO ON P: JOSEPH LAI/TOMAS TANG It appears, believe it or not, that Ho once made a decent martial arts film that doesn’t stink up your video recorder. John Liu and Tino Wong star as the heroes, with Phillip Ko Fei and a rabid Wong Biu Chan as villains. Dragon Lee also figures in the confusing story. With Bolo Yeung, Chan Lau, Chang Kam, David Wu Dai Wai and Mars. Tang Tak Cheung (who choreographed ABBOT OF SHAOLIN) is responsible for the on-screen action, including a great final duel with Liu and Wong against Ko Fei. The screenwriter ended his prolific career writing EROTIC GHOST STORY 2 (1991).

THE DRAGON, THE ODDS (crazy boy and pop-eye) (1977 HK) D: PHILIP KAM Pretty useless martial arts obscurity stars Yuen Bo as a young kung fu student wannabe. Kwan Hoi San is the villain Gold Haired Lion. The fight choreography by Wong Chi Keung is mostly adequate, but one scene stands out in particular for being awfully slow and overrehearsed looking. With Kent “Fatty” Cheng (recognisable to exploitation fans for later favourites like RUN AND KILL), Ho Pak Kwong, Alan Chan Gwok and a substantial quota of goofy-faced comic relief idiots. Part of the Ninja Theater video series, so Sho Kosugi introduces it by showing how to use a certain martial arts weapon (dressed in his ninja robes!).

DRAGON TIGER AND PHOENIX See: THE DRAGON VS. NEEDLES OF DEATH

THE DRAGON VS. NEEDLES OF DEATH (mantis vs falcon claws; dragon tiger and phoenix; lung foo fung; long fu heng) (1976 TAI) D: CHONG KOU HONG An awkward young recluse can’t get on at kung fu school, so practises nail throwing styles on his own (he later teaches the other male lead), runs away with the teacher’s besotted daughter, and enters a life of crime. Despite the interesting nail gimmick, it’s not used imaginatively, and in fact the film’s choreography as a whole brings it down to the level of “so-what?” Cho Kin and Shih Ting Ken appear.

DRAGON ZOMBIES RETURN See: THE ZODIAC FIGHTERS

DRAINERS See: DRAINIAC!

DRAINIAC! (drainers) (1999 US) D/W: BRETT PIPER Some teens end up at an old house in the middle of nowhere where some kind of demon in the water causes hallucinations, tentacles rip off a guy’s dick and slime melts people. A bearded stranger turns up at the end to perform an exorcism, and we get to see Piper’s cool stop-motion bug monsters. Very cheap horror movie that’s kinda fun to watch if you’re in the mood.

DRAKULA ISTANBUL’DA (dracula in istanbul) (1952 TUR) D: MEHMET MUHTAR W: UMIT DENIZ P: TURGUT DEMIRAG Atif Kaptan stars as the Count in this interesting b/w Islamic take on the Bram Stoker novel, the first postwar screen version. Parts look very much like a silent movie from decades earlier, there’s a scaling-the-outside-castle-wall scene and a weird looking Renfield. With the benefit of subtitles (I had to do without), I can imagine this being well worth watching. With Bulent Oran, Ayfer Feray, Cahit Irgat, Osman Alyanak, Kadri Ogelman and Ahmet Danyal Topatan. I hope a better print exists than the scratched-up atrocity screened on Turkish tv, the source for recent grey-market bootlegs.

DREADNAUGHT (yung che miu gai; yong zhe wu ju) (1980 HK) D: YUEN WOO PING W: LOUIS SIT CHI HUNG P: RAYMOND CHOW Killer on the run Yuen Shun Yi (at his growling, cartoonish best) seeks shelter in Phillip Ko Fei’s opera troupe. He targets cowardly laundry boy Yuen Biao as an enemy, while Biao desperately tries to become Wong Fei Hung (Kwan Tak Hing)’s student. A reviewer simply runs out of hyperbole when faced with Yuen Woo Ping’s outstanding back catalogue, and this is yet another fantastic, highly entertaining kung fu classic from the director and his talented brothers (who choreographed the action). The breathtaking lion dance scenes are particularly memorable, but the whole movie is pitched perfectly between goofy comedy and savage fights. With Leung Kar Yan (in the director’s LEGEND OF A FIGHTER), Lily Li Li Li, Fan Mei Shing, Fung Hak On, Yue Tau Wan, Yuen Cheung Yan, Brandy Yuen and Fung Ging Man. It was filmed back to back with THE MAGNIFICENT BUTCHER.

DREAMCATCHER (2003 US CAN) D/WP: LAWRENCE KASDAN W: WILLIAM GOLDMAN P: CHARLES OKUN Damian Lewis, Jason Lee, Thomas Jane and Timothy Olyphant are four thirty-something bachelor friends with special psychic abilities. We find out through a series of flashbacks that they got this gift from a retarded childhood friend (played as a grown-up by Donnie Wahlberg). During their hunting holiday at a cabin in the snow covered forest (it was filmed in British Columbia), a fast spreading infection from a crash-landed alien spacecraft results in the area being quarantined by the military. Morgan Freeman is the crazed superior in charge, while Tom Sizemore is his right-hand man who helps Jane find Lewis after he’s infected by an alien worm creature (with teeth) which speaks in a British accent (a bad idea). Large parts of King’s novel were obviously left out for an acceptable running time, but the resulting FX-laden embarrassing mess is consequently overlong at approx 135 mins. With Eric Keenleyside, C. Ernst Harth, Rosemary Dunsmore, Ty Olsson and Michael Daingerfield (from the Ace Ventura tv series).

DREAM CEMETERY See: HAUNTING FEAR

DREAM DEVIL (muma) (1995 JPN) D/W: RYUICHI HIROKI P: MASAYUKI KAIBARA/ISAO YOSHIWARA This strange erotic thriller (based on a book by Azusa Katsume) has Tomoroh Taguchi as a bus driver having a recurring dream about rubbing ointment on a woman’s chest burns when he was a kid. Tomoko Mayumi is an office lady/prostitute who has the same dream from the woman’s POV. She may or may not be the woman from his childhood, the circular ending helps keep everything ambiguous. It’s no great film, but interesting enough with effective moments. Director Hiroki used to be part of the three director team Go Ijuin, who made (among others) the notorious CAPTURED FOR SEX 2 (1986).

DREAM HOME (wai dor lei ah yut ho; wei duo li ya yi hao) (2010 HK) D/W/P: EDMOND PANG HOCHEUNG W: DEREK TSANG/JIMMY WAN P: JOSIE HO/CONROY CHAN/SUBI LIANG “Based on a true story.” Josie Ho (who’s very good) is a HK resident who’s dreamed of an apartment with a harbour view since she was a little girl in the slums. She even works two jobs to try to raise the money. When the global financial crisis thwarts her plans, it’s time to murder residents to lower the property value! Although this is revealed in fragmentary style, I don’t think it counts as a spoiler. The appeal is not of shocking surprise, but the joy of mixing kitchen-sink realism with gleeful tongue-in-cheek cartoonish violence (it’s pretty gory). It could easily have overstretched itself at feature-length, but Pang (I SHOOT, YOU SHOOT [2001], MEN SUDDENLY IN BLACK [2003]) delivers a gem of a black comedy. With Eason Chan, Lawrence Chou, veteran Norman Chu (still looking in pretty good shape), co-writer Derek (son of Eric) Tsang and Miss China International 1999 Michelle Ye Xuan. Anthony Wong is also credited, but I didn’t spot him (maybe a guest telephone voice). Chin Kar-Look is credited with action choreography.

DREAM LOVER (1994 US) D/W: NICHOLAS KAZAN P: LAUREN LLOYD/WALLIS NICITA/SIGURJON SIGHVATSSON Yuppie architect James Spader meets dream girl Madchen Amick, marries her, has children and then starts to get paranoid that she may not be all she seems. Slow-moving suspense that suffers from dull characters and no real shocks. With Bess Armstrong, Larry Miller, Janel Moloney, Paul Ben-Victor and Erick Avari, and a lousy ambiguous ending.

DREAMSCAPE (1983 US) D/W: JOSEPH RUBEN W: CHUCK RUSSELL/DAVID LOUGHERY P: BRUCE COHN CURTIS Here’s an unfairly ignored fantasy from the director who went on to make THE STEPFATHER. Dennis Quaid is a psychic who becomes involved with an experiment to enter people’s dreams. Max von Sydow is the scientist who invents the machine to make it possible, but evil spy Christopher Plummer sends another psychic assassin (the underrated David Patrick Kelley) into President Eddie Albert’s post-holocaust nightmares to kill him by inducing a heart attack. Kelley can transform into a snake-man (Larry Cedar), and there’s other great stop-motion FX by James R. Aupperle (and zombies on a subway train). Inventive and exciting, it usually picks up unsuspecting fans when it’s aired on tv. With Kate Capshaw, George Wendt, Peter Jason and Chris Mulkey. It was the first film given the American PG-13 rating.

DRESSED FOR DEATH See: STRAIGHT ON TILL MORNING

DRESSED TO KILL (sherlock holmes and the secret code) (1946 US) D/P: ROY WILLIAM NEILL W: LEONARD LEE Basil Rathbone is Sherlock Holmes and Nigel Bruce is Watson in the last of the 14 entries in the series. It’s one of the lesser ones, but still a decent mystery. The plot involves a stolen musical box and five pound note engraving plates. With Mary Gordon, Patricia Morrison, Edmund Breon, Frederick Worlock, Harry Cording, Holmes Herbert, Leyland Hodgson, Ian Wolfe, Marjorie Bennett, Lillian Bronson, Charlie Hall, Olaf Hytten and Guy Kingsford. In b/w.

DRESSED TO KILL (1980 US) D/W: BRIAN De PALMA P: GEORGE LITTO Another highly derivative Hitchcock copy thriller from DePalma, but this time a pretty entertaining one. PSYCHO in particular is “homaged” to death, but it’s exciting enough with great Ralf D. Bode photography, particularly in an art gallery tracking shot scene. Michael Caine stars, with Angie Dickinson, Nancy Allen, Keith Gordon, Dennis Franz and Mark Margolis. Available in varying degrees of sexual explicitness.

DRIFTING SCHOOL (1995 US) D/P: JUNICHI MIMURA W: ERIC P. SHERMAN P: HYE-YOUNG CHOY General Henry Silva orders for some kind of unspecified experimental weapon to be used on a satellite hurtling towards Earth. This results in a school disappearing during a basketball match, and ending up in the middle of the desert (I think). Escaped killer Billy Drago hypnotises students to help him take control, but he eventually becomes a snake-man (no FX are used, he just hisses!) after being attacked by some kind of reptilian monster in the desert. The other “star” is Bubba Smith from the POLICE ACADEMY series. This pretty pathetic attempt at a teen-appeal sci-fi adventure (the kids eventually save the day) doesn’t make much sense. Maybe they assumed audiences were familiar with the (weird and misjudged) 1987 Japanese movie DRIFTING CLASSROOM, of which it’s a remake. With Hill Harper and Caroline Williams. It prompted me to have a dream about riding in a school bus with Drago.

THE DRILLER KILLER (1979 US) D: ABEL FERRARA W: NICHOLAS ST. JOHN EXEC P: ROCHELLE WEISBERG Ferrara’s second feature (after the porno NINE LIVES OF A WET PUSSY) stars the director himself (under the pseudonym “Jimmy Laine”, sometimes reminding me of an insane Ren Hoek) as Reno, a frustrated artist with money problems in Brooklyn. A bad punk band called Tony Coca-Cola and The Roosters move into the room next door and play their awful noise around the clock. He finally cracks and starts killing homeless people with a portable power drill. There’s also footage of real derelict drunks hanging out, and a funny scene where a tramp messes with people waiting at a bus stop at night. Far from being the classic horror movie some claim, this still has a lot of energy and memorable scenes and is well worth a look. Certainly better than THE TOOLBOX MURDERS, it comes somewhere between the Warhol/Paul Morrissey movies and the films of Nick Zedd and the Cinema of Transgression movement. It must have been an inspiration for AMERICAN PSYCHO, too. The photography (including scenes at Max’s Kansas City) is by Ferrara regular Ken Kelsch. In the UK it was a “video nasty”, complete with classic visceral screen-capture cover from Vipco. The dvd includes a bizarre commentary track by the highly medicated-sounding director. A limited edition two-disc version included the early 1971–73 shorts NICKY’S FILM, THE HOLD UP and COULD THIS BE LOVE (very much for completists only). His 1977 short NOT GUILTY: FOR KEITH RICHARDS (with Ferrara as Richards!) remains elusive. Ferrara made the classic MS. 45 next.

DRIVE (1996 US JPN) D: STEVE WANG W: SCOTT PHILLIPS P: MITSURU KUROSAWA/MICHAEL LEAHY Mark Dacascos is on the run in America from a Hong Kong corporation that implanted a bio-engine in his heart. This makes him the perfect assassin. If he gets to LA another company will pay him $5m to remove it. Kadeem Hardison is a reluctant, kidnapped sidekick. Walter Tracey is a guy named Hedgehog who watches a bizarre show on tv called Walter The Einstein Frog. With Brittany Murphy, John Pyper-Ferguson, James Shigeta, Sanaa Lathan and Masaya Kato. This wildly overrated action movie is ok and Dacascos makes a likeable lead (and can actually fight), but it’s only slightly above average for its type.

DRIVE (2001 JAPAN) D/W: “SABU” (HIROYUKI TANAKA) P: TAKASHI HIRANO/OSAMU KUBOTA Shinnichi Tsutsumi is a neat, orderly A-type salaryman orphan suffering from extreme migraines. Susumu Terajima, Ren Osugi and Masanobu Ando are bank robbers who hijack his car while chasing after their partner (Toshio Kakei) who made off with the loot. If you’ve seen any of Sabu’s earlier films like POSTMAN BLUES and UNLUCKY MONKEY, you’ll know that a series of vignettes, some quirky, some dramatic and some romantic follow. Tanaka’s previous film MONDAY showed signs of his formula getting old, but remained entertaining. DRIVE has its moments but is pretty strained. With Kou Shibazaki, Keisuke Horibe, Pierre Taki from Denki Groove as a florist, Rie Nigeshi, Suzuki Matsuo, Yasuko Matsuyoki, Kanji Tsuda, Tomoroh Taguchi, Nao Omori, Maro Akaji and the punk band Jobi Joba. Sabu made something called THE BLESSING BELL (2002) (which didn’t get much press) next, then the terrible HARD LUCK HERO (2003) followed.

DRIVE ANGRY (hell driver) (2010 US) D/W: PATRICK LUSSIER W: TODD FARMER P: RENE BESSON/ MICHAEL DE LUCA Dead man John Milton (Nicolas Cage) manages to escape from Hell (in a 64 Riviera) so he can rescue his baby granddaughter from, and avenge the death of his daughter at the hands of, Satanists led by Billy Burke. Amber Heard is a waitress along for the ride, and William Fichtner is the accountant on their trail in this car-chase/horror hybrid (inspired by RACE WITH THE DEVIL?) that tries too hard for over-the-top machismo, amoral violence and off-colour humour. It was also originally in (pretty bad) 3D. Scattered amusement, but overall a disappointment. With David Morse, Christa Campbell, Tom Atkins, Jack McGee, Pruitt Taylor Vince, Marc Macaulay and Farmer (who wrote Lussier’s MY BLOODY VALENTINE remake). Shot in Louisiana, and featuring some quite poor CGI work. Cage was also in the somewhat thematically similar GHOST RIDER (2007) and its sequel (2011).

DRIVE-IN MASSACRE (1976 US) D/W/P: STUART SEGALL W: JOHN GOFF/GEORGE “BUCK” FLOWER A promising decapitation at the drive-in begins this extremely low-budget horror from the director (aka Godfrey Daniels) of several hard X features. Unfortunately it’s pretty much downhill after that as a couple of cops investigate more slayings of couples at the drive-in. The chief suspects are the manager and the janitor, both sword-swallowers. A failed final gimmick has an on-screen warning that the killer is loose and may be stalking this very drive-in. Screenwriter Flower is a familiar character actor.

DRIVEN (a tout vitesse) (2001 US CAN AUST) D: RENNY HARLIN W/P: SYLVESTER STALLONE W: JEAN SKRENTNY/NEAL TABACHNICK P: ELIE SAMAHA Flashy and occasionally exhilarating look at the world of Formula 1 racing. Don’t watch if for the substandard drama, but the FX-laden crash scenes. With Stallone, Til Schweiger, Burt Reynolds, Gina Gershon, Kip Pardue, Estella Warren, Robert Sean Leonard. Cristian De La Fuente, Dan Duran, Harlin, Michael Andretti, Brent Briscoe, Adrian Fernando and Robert Moreno. It was filmed all over the place. Don Carmody and Andrew Stevens were executive producers.

DRIVING FORCE (1988 AUST) D: ANDREW J. PROWSE W: PATRICK EDGEWORTH P: HOWARD GRIGSBY/ROD CONFESSOR Sam J. Jones (FLASH GORDON) tries to keep his little daughter in a postnuke future while working for an auto wreck salvage company. The ugly Don Swayze and Billy Blanks are evil rivals who run folks off the road. Catherine Bach (from The Dukes of Hazzard) is the love interest. It’s only for bottom-of-the-barrel lickers who don’t think there were enough post-nuke movies made in the 80s and 90s. [Illus.]

DROPS OF BLOOD See: MILL OF THE STONE WOMEN

DROP ZONE (1994 US) D: JOHN BADHAM W: PETER BARSOCCHINI/JOHN BISHOP P: D.J. CARUSO/WALLIS NICITA Gary Busey leads a gang of skydiving drug thieves who kidnap a convicted computer hacker (Michael Jetter) from a passenger plane in mid-flight. Wesley Snipes is a US Marshall who learns skydiving from Yancy Butler (HARD TARGET) to catch them. If you don’t like skydiving scenes, you won’t like this because it’s filled with them. With Grace Zabriskie, Luca Bercovici, Corin Nemec, Kyle Secor, Kimberly Scott, Rex Linn, Robert La Sardo, Clark Johnson and Melanie Mayron. Joe Alves (JAWS 3D) was production designer. TERMINAL VELOCITY was another major skydiving release from the same year.

DRUG ADDICTION (1951 US) Marty is the subject of this 22 mins b/w educational film from Encyclopedia Britannica films. It’s the familiar tale of a good boy who gets hooked on heroin (“one and a half dollars a piece”!) via marijuana. The best nightmarish scene has the stoned Marty and his friends drinking from broken cola bottles and cutting up their mouths.

DRUG MASTER See: WHITE TIGER

DRUGSTORE COWBOY (1989 US) D/W: GUS VAN SANT W: DANIEL YOST P: NICK WECHSLER/ KAREN MURPHY James Fogle (1936–2012) was a career criminal who robbed to support his drug habit (he died in prison). I believe his semiautobiographical novel was still unpublished when this remarkable film adaptation (Van Sant’s second feature) was released. Matt Dillon and his old lady, Kelly Lynch, run a small gang of addicts (James Le Gros and Heather Graham complete the odd family unit) who rip off pharmacies in early 70s Portland, Oregon. A no-frills classic that is difficult to sum up in words, but is definitely a must-see. With William S. Burroughs as Father Murphy, James Remar, Grace Zabriskie and Max Perlich (great as a troublesome “baby”). The soundtrack includes classics like The Count Five’s Psychotic Reaction and Desmond Dekker’s The Israelites. I’m glad that the original casting of Bob Dylan and Patti Smith (!) in the Dillon and Lynch roles fell through. Van Sant went on to gain cult recognition for the likes of MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO (1991) and EVEN COWGIRLS GET THE BLUES (1993).

THE DRUMS OF JEOPARDY (mark of terror) (1931 US) D: GEORGE B. SEITZ W: FLORENCE RYERSON P: PHIL GOLDSTONE Warner Oland stars as Russian scientist Boris Karlov, who vows to kill every member of the wealthy Petrov family after his lovesick daughter (Florence Lake) commits suicide. He believes that the half-American Prince Nicholas (Lloyd Hughes) is responsible, so follows the family to New York after the Revolution drives them out. June Kollyer co-stars as the woman who helps the Prince (and falls in love with him). Her housekeeper provides the comic relief (she opens an umbrella for protection during a shoot-out). The title refers to Karlov’s calling card. Not a bad little 65 mins b/w mystery adventure, moves at a slick pace and has better than average production values for an independent studio release (it’s from Tiffany). With Mischa Auer, Clara Blandick, Hale Hamilton, Wallace MacDonald, George Fawcett, Ernest Hilliard, Ann Brody, Julia Swayne Gordon, Robert Homans, Murdock MacQuarrie, Broderick O’Farell and Harry Semels. Based on Harold McGrath’s novel, there was a previous (silent) adaptation (with the same title) in 1923.

DRUNKEN ARTS AND CRIPPLED FIST See: TAOISM DRUNKARD

DRUNKEN FIST BOXING See: THE STORY OF DRUNKEN MASTER

DRUNKEN MASTER (drunk monkey in tiger’s eye; chui kuen; zui quan) (1978 HK) D: YUEN WOO PING W/P: NG SEE YUEN W: SIAO LUNG Here’s the one that kick-started the whole kung fu comedy phenomenon (along with SNAKE IN THE EAGLE’S SHADOW). Jackie Chan is the young Wong Fei Hung, who learns the art of drunken boxing from Sam the Seed (Simon Yuen Siu Tien, the director’s father who would replay the same role endlessly). It has the perfect combination of amazing martial arts and comedy and some great old-school training scenes. With Hwang Jang Lee as the main villain, Hsu Hsia, Lam Kau, Yuen Shun Yi, Den Shek, Brandy Yuen, Tino Wong, Fung Ging Man, Yuen Woo Ping and San Kuai. The choreography is by Woo Ping, Hsu Hsia, Cory Yuen Kwai, Yuen Shun Yi and Yuen Chen Wei. A good place to start investigating Jackie Chan, the Yuen brothers and the kung fu genre. DANCE OF THE DRUNK MANTIS was a sequel without Chan, who would return many years later for DRUNKEN MASTER 2.

DRUNKEN MASTER 2 (legend of the drunken master; chui kuen 2; sui quan 2) (1994 HK) D: JACKIE CHAN/LIU CHIA LIANG W: EDWARD TANG/ YUEN GAICHI/TONG MAN MING P: LEONARD K.C. HO Star Chan fired Liang halfway through production and completed this drunken kung fu/Wong Fei Hung sequel himself. The plot involving evil British smugglers and corrupt officials is secondary to the wonderfully choreographed kung fu battles that are scattered throughout. Chan resists the mugging that has ruined so many films in the past, and the supporting cast is excellent, including Ti Lung, Anita Mui, Liang, Andy Lau, Ken Lo Wai Kwong, Chien Kar Lok, Tai Bo, Suki Kwan, Pak Yan, Shut Ma Wa Lung, Alan Chan, Ho Pak Kwong, Bao Fang, Hsu Hsia, Johnny Cheung Wa and Mars. It can’t touch the classics of the 70s, but the finale is excellent.

DRUNKEN MASTER 3 (chui kuen 3; zui quan 3) (1994 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG W: SIU WING P: CHRIS LI After getting fired from Jackie Chan’s DRUNKEN MASTER 2, Liang decided to make his own sequel. Willie Kwai is a teenage Wong Fei Hung in a confused unspecified time period. He protects Michelle Reis, a girl who is about to be married to an evil Emperor-to-be, involved with unsavoury European invaders. Andy Lau co-stars in this awful, unfunny, boring kung fu comedy which has hardly any fighting until the final reel. Unfortunately most of you will fall asleep before any of this pretty good action rears its head. With Gordon Hui, Adam Cheng, Simon Yam (as a typically weird, annoying gay stereotype), William Ho Ka-Kui and Liang himself (obviously on an off-day).

DRUNKEN MASTER PART 2 See: DANCE OF THE DRUNK MANTIS

THE DRUNKEN MONK See: SHAOLIN DRUNKEN MONK

DRUNKEN MONKEY (chui ma lau; zui ma liu) (2003 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG P: MONA FONG Liu Chia Liang may look like an old coot, but proves that he still has what it takes to direct, choreograph and perform top-notch cinematic martial arts (with minimal wirework). What I enjoyed most about this fun throwback to earlier kung fu classics is that it contains an important element mostly absent from recent kung fu movies…training scenes! With Jacky Wu, Gordon Liu Chia Hui, Chi Kuan Chun and Lau Kar Wing.

DRUNKEN TAI CHI (siu taai gik; xiao tai ji) (1984 HK) D/W: YUEN WOO PING W: BRANDY YUEN P: CHOW LING GONG Sammo and Jackie usually get all the credit for new wave Hong Kong action but the Yuen brothers proved they were a formidable force with this amazing old-school plot/new wave action classic. Yuen Shun-Yi is a mute assassin (who’s kind to his little boy) pursuing star Donnie Yen’s family for some reason. After his father (Lee Kwan) and brother (Yuen Yat Choh, star of THE MIRACLE FIGHTERS) are killed, Yen seeks refuge and is trained by Tai Chi drunkard master (and puppeteer) Yuen Cheung Yan and his huge but agile wife (the incredible Lydia Shum Tin-Ha). As well as astounding fight action (with nice, minimal use of wirework), we get plentiful great training scenes, robot dancing, break-dancing, a human hamster wheel attack, good goofy comedy, a cameo from 70s kung fu star Don Wong Tao and BMX stunts (a slight hiccup in historical accuracy, but who cares)! This (Yen’s debut) comes highly recommended.

DRUNKEN WU TANG See: TAOISM DRUNKARD

DRUNK MONKEY IN TIGER’S EYE See: DRUNKEN MASTER

DRUNK SHAOLIN CHALLENGES NINJA See: SHAOLIN CHALLENGES NINJA

D-TOX (eye see you; im auge der angst) (2002 US GER) D: JIM GILLESPIE W: RON L. BRINKERHOFF P: RIC KIDNEY/KAREN KEHELA/KEVIN KING Sylvester Stallone is an ex-cop Fed alcoholic traumatised by the death of his girlfriend (Dina Meyer) at the hands of a serial cop killer. He reluctantly agrees to dry out at Kris Kristofferson’s remote clinic for alcoholic/ drug addict cops in the snowy wastes (it was filmed in Canada). Tom Berenger is the caretaker there. Soon the patients are dying from “suicide”, obviously the work of the same killer who previously eluded Stallone. Everyone blames each other and shouts a lot as they’re picked off one by one. Based on Howard Swindle’s novel Jitter Joint, it’s badly scripted, has no sense of editing and director Gillespie (I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER) should look up “suspense” in the dictionary. He obviously doesn’t have a clue. With Charles S. Dutton, Sean Patrick Flannery, Stephen Lang, Robert Patrick, Courtney B. Vance, Rance Howard, Jeffrey Wright (BASQUIAT), Alan C. Peterson, Hrothgar Mathews and James Kidnie.

DUCK AND COVER (1951 US) This partly animated b/w 10 mins civil defence short is one of the most famous (and ludicrously naïve) educational films. We are told that if you drop to the ground and cover your head with your arms during a nuclear attack you’ll be ok! Which is a good thing considering that the effects of an A-bomb blast could be “worse than a terrible sunburn”!

DUCKLING See: BADI

DUCK! THE CARBINE HIGH MASSACRE (1999 US) D/W/P: WILLIAM HELLFIRE W/P: JOEY SMACK W: MICK LEO/TODD RUSSELL Lensed soon after the real-life Columbine high school shooting tragedy, this cartoonish bad-taste speculative reconstruction of similar events sides with the two loner teen boys (Hellfire and Smack) who, fed-up with being beaten and abused by jocks and assorted arseholes, head into school one day with a small arsenal of weapons and blow their classmates away, before killing themselves. It’s an uneasy mix of gore, comedy, shock tactics and social commentary, but regardless of your take on the Columbine incident, you have to appreciate the filmmakers’ balls to at least tackle the subject, and cut through all the network news hypocrisy. With Misty Mundae (also in Hellfire’s more typical Seduction Cinema/Factory 2000 releases, i.e. LUST FROM THE MUMMY’S TOMB [2002]) and Zack Snygg.

DUDES (n.y. bad boys) (1987 US) D: PENELOPE SPHEERIS W: J. RANDALL JOHNSON P: HERB JAFFE/ MIGUEL TEJADA-FLORES Three New York City punks (Flea, Jon Cryer and Daniel Roebuck with a mohawk) decide to throw in their lot and drive to California. While camping in the desert they’re attacked by redneck bikers (led by Lee Ving). They shoot and kill Flea, so the other two chase after the gang for revenge. It’s hard to believe that this unfunny action-comedy with unrealistic punk characters is from the same director that made SUBURBIA (1983) and THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION. With Pamela Gidley, John Densmore of The Doors (Johnson later co-wrote the Oliver Stone biopic on them), The Vandals, ghost cowboys and an Elvis impersonator bullfighter.

DUEL (1971 US) D: STEVEN SPIELBERG W: RICHARD MATHESON P: GEORGE ECKSTEIN Dennis Weaver is a travelling salesman in his car, terrorised by a filthy old tanker truck whose driver (stunt veteran since the late-30s, Carey Loftin, who worked on THE FRENCH CONNECTION and VANISHING POINT the same year) is never seen. This ABCTV Movie of the Week is very well done, a sign of Spielberg’s obvious early talent (earlier tv work included an important episode of COLUMBO, and episodes of NIGHT GALLERY) that peaked with JAWS. With busy actor and stuntman (also since the 30s) Dale Van Sickel as Weaver’s double. Based on Matheson’s short story (THE OMEGA MAN was out the same year too). The cinematographer was Jack A. Marta. Billy Goldberg provides the score. Spielberg (who added an additional 16 mins to the 74 mins running time for theatrical play in Europe) made SOMETHING EVIL next. His real feature debut was the amateur 1964 attempt FIRELIGHT (made when he was just 17), screened only once and since partially lost (the story preceded the events in CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND).

THE DUEL (1982) See: DUEL TO THE DEATH

DUEL AT GANRYU ISLAND (samurai 3; bushido; miyamoto musashi kanketsuhen: ketto ganryu-jima) (1956 JPN) D/W: HIROSHI INAGAKI W: TOKUHEI WAKAO P: KAZUO TAKIMURA The concluding part of the classic Musashi Miyamoto trilogy starring Toshiro Mifune. He and Kojiro (Koji Tsurata) finally face-off in the classic finale, which features incredible cinematography from Kazuo Yamada. With Kaori Yachigusa, Mariko Okada, Takashi Shimura, Minoru Chiaki, Takamura, Sasaki, Daisuke Kato, Haruo Tanaka, Kichijiro Ueda, Kokuten Kodo, Ikio Sawamura, Ren Yamamoto, Senkichi Omura, Shoichi Hirose, Akihiko Hirata, Michiyo Kogure, Sachio Sakai and Eijiro Tono.

DUEL AT ICHIJOJI TEMPLE (samurai 2; swords of doom; zoku miyamoto musashi; ichijoji no ketto) (1955 JPN) D/W: HIROSHI INAGAKI W: TOKUHEI WAKAO P: KAZUO TAKIMURA The continuing adventures of Musashi Miyamoto (Toshiro Mifune). This is great if taken as part of the trilogy, but I don’t recommend viewing it out of sequence as a standalone feature. With Koji Tsurata, Kojio Sasaki, Mariko Okada, Kaoru Yachigusa, Michiyo Kogure, Akihiko Hirata, Daisuke Kato, Sachio Sakai, Yu Fujiki, Eijiro Tono, Akira Tani, Kokuten Kondo, Yoshifumi Tajima, Ren Yamamoto and Yasuhisa Tsutsumi. DUEL AT GANRYU ISLAND followed.

DUEL AT TIGER VILLAGE See: IRON MONKEY STRIKES BACK

DUEL OF MASTER See: IRON MONKEY STRIKES BACK

DUEL OF THE BRAVE ONES (tek dau; ti dou) (1978 HK) D/W: WEI MAN W: LEUNG WAH P: ALEX GOUW It’s a shame that Wilson Tong got a rare starring role in this crappy modern-day Triad drama/kung fu flick. He also choreographed the action, but don’t expect his usual high standard. With John Cheung Ng Long, Ho Pak Kwong, Fung Ging Man, Yue Tau Wan and some nudity.

DUEL OF THE DRAGONS See: OF COOKS AND KUNG FU

DUEL OF THE MASTERS (chinese kung fu; super dynamo) (1974 TAI) D: ARTIS CHOW P: CHOW CHIEN KWANG/LEE KONG WE/WU KOO Utterly irredeemable snoozefest of a kung fu film with lousy choreography and a running time that defies the laws of physics by seeming to run 10 times longer than it is. The plot is about a Shaolin student fighting gangsters. Only worth finding more about so you can avoid it more easily. Not to be confused with the Wilson Tong movie of the same name.

DUEL OF THE SEVEN TIGERS See: SHADOW OF THE TIGER

DUEL OF THE SPACE MONSTERS See: FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE SPACE MONSTER

DUEL TO THE DEATH (the duel; xian si jue) (1982 HK) D: CHING SIU-TUNG W: MANFRED WONG P: RAYMOND CHOW Very impressive period kung fu/swordplay classic from an excellent action choreographer (THE KILLER etc. wasn’t all John Woo) who later became famous for the CHINESE GHOST STORY series. Damian Lau and Tsui Siu Keung (playing a Japanese ninja) are the fighting foes. The complicated plot involving a sword fighting tournament is simply a framework for some imaginative set pieces. See a decapitated head impaled on a tree branch and then explode. Not to mention the giant ninja. With Eddy Ko and Casanova Wong.

DUMBLAND (around 2002/2003) D/W: DAVID LYNCH As well as episodes of RABBITS and DARKENED ROOM, visitors to Lynch’s website www.davidlynch.com can also take a look at his eight episode (about three mins each) animated series. Made with Shockwave animaton software, the extremely crude line drawings by Lynch himself (who also does all the voices) fit the stupid, violent, moronic central character who’s abusive, swears a lot and says “What if I was taking a shit in the yard? Did you ever think of that?” During the half hour it took to watch all of them I laughed a lot.

DUMPLINGS (saam gang yee ji yat: gaau ji; san geng er zhi yi: jiao zi) (2004 HK) D: FRUIT CHAN W: LILIAN LEE P: PETER HO-SUN CHAN THREE… EXTREMES was a horror compilation follow up to THREE, with segments from HK, Japan and South Korea. The Japanese and Korean entry reviews can be found under THREE… EXTREMES. This particular part, however, was also released in a feature-length version, and that cut is what this review refers to. Miriam Yeung is a bored, neurotic socialite who believes that her age is why her businessman husband (Tony Leung Ka Fai) fucks around with younger girls. Bai Ling lives in a run-down multistorey concrete nightmare where she makes her living from preparing life-elixir dumplings made from aborted foetuses smuggled in from a clinic in China. The acclaimed Fruit Chan has obviously chosen heady subject matter for this dark, yet colourful, satire (expertly shot by Christopher Doyle) and I’m sure it’ll be uncomfortable for many viewers. But if you can get your head around it, it’s a fine piece of work that transcends mere shock value. Eric Tsang was an executive producer. Recommended.

DUMPSTER BABY (2000 US) D/W/P: JAMES BICKERT/ RANDY HILL A fat woman gives birth to an unwanted baby while smoking crack, and it (only a bundle of rags is seen) ends up in a dumpster. From there on it’s passed from lowlife to lowlife, through situation to situation, scene to scene, in what I guess is a surrealist attempt at social satire at the more extreme demographic ends (hookers, pimps, druggies etc.). Parts are kind of interesting, and I would love to praise something that kind of makes me think of Buñuel directing COMBAT SHOCK (a very loose analogy), but it’s not really very good or memorable. Troma released it, and I can imagine the filmmakers doing much better if given the chance.

DUNE (1984 US) D/W: DAVID LYNCH W: ERIC BERGREN/ CHRISTOPHER DE VORE P: RAFFAELLA DE LAURENTIIS Lynch’s version of Frank Herbert’s “unfilmable” sci-fi novel about a battle for a desert planet where giant (psychedelic) sandworms live has been much criticised. But there’s a lot to appreciate. Kyle MacLachlan (in his debut) is good as the hero and Kenneth McMillan is pretty weird as the disgusting Baron Harkonnen (with black ink zits). The photography by Freddie Francis is excellent and the Carlo Rambaldi FX worms are very good. Filmed in Mexico, it was a troubled production that ran over time and budget and was drastically recut and edited into different versions over the years (all disowned by Lynch and credited to “Allan Smithee”). The original 140 mins version is definitely worth a look, even if some parts are a little silly. With Sean Young, Patrick Stewart, Virginia Madsen, Sting in a metal codpiece, Jack Nance, Brad Dourif, Francesca Annis, Richard Jordan, José Ferrer, Dean Stockwell, Jürgen Prochnow, Everett McGill, Silvano Mangano, Sian Phillips, Paul L. Smith, Linda Hunt, Max von Sydow, nine-year-old Alicia Witt, Angelica Aragon, Humberto Elizondo and Lynch. Alejandro Jodorowsky once started to make his DUNE, but it was shut down. In 2001, a DUNE miniseries debuted.

DUNE ROLLERS See: THE CREMATORS

THE DUNGEONMASTER (ragewar) (1984 US) D/W/P: “ALLEN ACTOR” (CHARLES BAND) D/W: ROSE MARIE TURKO/JOHN BUECHLER/DAVID ALLEN/ PETER MANOOGIAN/TED NICOLAOU D: STEVEN FORD W: JEFFREY BYRON Jeffrey Byron is a nerdy type with a girlfriend who’s jealous of his relationship with his computer. When evil wizard Richard Moll wants the girl for himself, he transports them both to various fantasy worlds where Byron must fight for her. Each segment is by a different director. Allen’s is automatically the best just because it features his stop-motion FX, but it’s all really pretty futile. With dwarves Phil Fondacaro and Felix Silla and the band W.A.S.P.

DUNGEON OF DEATH See: TORTURE DUNGEON

THE DUNGEON OF HARROW (1962 US) D/W: PAT BOYETTE W: HENRY GARCIA P: RUSS HARVEY/DON RUSSELL In the 19th century, a ship goes down at sea, and a survivor (producer Harvey) searches for the captain after being washed ashore on a remote island. The Count de Sade lives on the island, with a nurse, a mute servant girl and Mantis, a Nubian slave warrior with dyed white hair, who tortures intruders. De Sade imagines a creepy phantom (in negative) with shrieking laughter, and a cobra, bat and giant spider (!) attacking him (but shrugs it off as too much wine). At the end of this weird, inept yet ambitious and atmospheric oddity, we discover that the much talked about “countess” is an insane imprisoned leper. It was made in San Antonio, Texas, by a comic artist (who died in 2000), and released in 1964 by Herts Lion. Largely unseen for years, it’s a recent welcome budget/public domain dvd release. I wonder if someone will unearth Boyette’s NO MAN’S LAND (a war picture from 1964) and THE WEIRD ONES (1962)?

DUNGEONS See: BOY MEETS GIRL

DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS (1982) See: RONA JAFFE’S MAZES AND MONSTERS

DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS (2000 US CZE) D/P: COURTNEY SOLOMON W: TOPPER LILIEN/ CARROLL CARTWRIGHT P: THOMAS M. HAMMEL/ KIA JAM Justin Whalin is the brave young pauper who must reluctantly fight for teenage queen Thora Birch and prevent the kingdom from falling into the hands of powerhungry Jeremy Irons, and his henchman Bruce Payne (wearing bright blue lipstick). Comic relief Marlon Wayans and pretty aristocrat librarian Zoe McLellan help. The sets and monster FX are pretty impressive, but it’s not a very good fantasy film. I liked the deadly maze sequence best, but the rest was pretty boring. With Robert Miano, Lee Arenberg, Richard O’Brien, Tom Baker and Jam. Based on the role-playing board game by E. Gary Gygax. Joel Silver was an executive producer.

THE DUNWICH HORROR (1970 US) D: DANIEL HALLER W: CURTIS (LEE) HANSON P: SAMUEL Z. ARKOFF/JAMES H. NICHOLSON This is one of the better H.P. Lovecraft adaptions made prior to RE-ANIMATOR. Dean Stockwell is not unlike Ray Sager in the same year’s THE WIZARD OF GORE (!) as Wilber Whitley, “a student of the occult”. He follows in the footsteps of his ancestors by attempting to unlock the portal for an ancient race from another dimension, with the help of the Necronomicon. He seduces and drugs Sandra Dee for his sacrifice. Whitley was conceived by a man “not of this world” and his twin brother is a tentacled mutant locked in the attic who gets loose and kills in a typically confused and rushed Lovecraftian ending. This AIP release gets pretty creepy in places, with an effective score from Les Baxter and psychedelic camera tricks. With Ed Begley, Lloyd Bochner, Talia Coppola (Shire), Michael Fox, Jason Wingreen, Sam Jaffe, Barboura Morris and Beach Dickerson. Haller’s previous attempt at adapting Lovecraft was DIE, MONSTER, DIE!

DUST DEVIL (1992 S.AFR UK) D/W: RICHARD STANLEY P: JOANNE SELLAR Robert Burke (from ROBOCOP 3) is the titular figure (in trenchcoat and hat), a mysterious, mystical, ritualistic serial killer from “the other side of the mirror”, drifting around a South African wasteland, taking polaroids of his victims (and collecting their fingers). Chelsea Field is running away from her abusive, jealous husband (Rufus Swart), and picks him up hitch-hiking. Zakes Mokae is very good as a policeman reluctantly accepting the advice of a soothsayer-type (John Matshikiza, as a former cinema projectionist who fondly remembers a BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE/LEGEND OF THE 7 GOLDEN VAMPIRES double bill, which must be a fond Stanley memory). Atmospheric, eerie, slowmoving but extremely worthwhile horror/road movie from the South African director of HARDWARE (he was also the executive producer, and has a brief unrecognisable cameo), if seen in the 108 mins final cut (avoid shorter versions). Parts reminded me of WHITE OF THE EYE and THE HITCHER, but it’s still unique. Shot in some amazing locations (including what seems to be a genuine abandoned desert village) by Steven Chivers (in S. Africa and Namibia). With William Hootkins. Hank Williams’ classic track Ramblin’ Man is used well, and you can also hear Tony Rebel’s Rude Boy Soldier (the original score is by Simon Boswell). Stanley was removed from his next gig, the 1996 ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU remake.

DUST, SWEAT AND GUNPOWDER See: THE CULPEPPER CATTLE CO.

DUST TO DUST See: CHILD BRIDE

DUTCH WIFE IN THE DESERT See: INFLATABLE SEX DOLLS OF THE WASTELAND

THE DYNAMITE BROTHERS (killing of a chinese bookie; dynamite brown; stud brown) (1973 US) D: AL ADAMSON W: “JOHN D’AMATO” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI?) P: JIM REIN/MARVIN LAGUNOFF Another unwatchably awful Adamson movie. In this one black Timothy Brown fights LA gangsters (led by James Hong) while handcuffed to Alan Tang DEFIANT ONES-style. Despite having Carol Speed, Aldo Ray and Lam Ching Ying (who also choreographed the lousy martial arts), I can’t think of any reason that you should make yourself sit through this. It’s hard being an Al Adamson fan. With Peter Chan.

DYNAMITE BROWN See: THE DYNAMITE BROTHERS

THE DYNAMITE TRIO (long step mantis; long hu xuan feng) (1982 HK) D/W/P: DANNY CHEUNG W: JUDY HWANG The story in this kung fu movie is pretty ridiculous and needlessly convoluted (it basically involves good and bad guys after a book detailing a special style of mantis kung fu), but some of the action (choreographed by Jacky Chen Shao Lung) is worth it for genre fans. In particular villain Lung Fei against white-haired Tong Ga-Kuen. With Mark Long (aka Dragon Lung), Chui Chung Hei, Au Lap Bo and Ching Kuo Chung. From IFD.

DYNASTY (ming dynasty; sora tabu jujiken) (1975 HK) D: CHANG MEI CHUNG W: LIU KUO HIOUNG P: FRANK WONG Very average, threadbare kung fu quickie is notable for being in 3D. As well as the barrage of weapons that probe out of the screen towards you, there’s also a flying, spinning metal cross weapon and a metal umbrella. Starring “Bobby Ming” (Dorian Tan Tao Liang) and Pai Ying. Mike Findlay presented it in the US in 1976.

DYNASTY OF BLOOD See: THE BLOOD BROTHERS

DYNASTY OF FEAR See: FEAR IN THE NIGHT (1972)

EAGLE FIST (yuet moon ying chau; xue men ying zhao) (1981 HK) D/P: CHANG KAY YING Terrible kung fu junk about police captain Chi Kuan Chun who wants to improve his martial arts. With director Chang (also responsible for the pretty good choreography) and a bronzeman.

THE EAGLE KING (daai ying wong; da ying wing) (1979 TAI) D: KAIL LIAO W: LE DO TAK P: SE WAI Floods destroy a village and renegade monks revolt in this slow-moving lacklustre kung fu flick. Memorable only for a fight scene that makes use of big gold bells on chains as weapons. The music copies JAWS (with a fuzz guitar sound!) and RAIDERS… With Got Siu Bo and Chung Wa.

EAGLE’S CLAW (ying zhao tang lang) (1977 HK) D: LEE TSO NAM W: CHEUNG SAN YEE P: HUANG FENG This action-packed kung fu film has an unconvincing, overconvoluted plot but there’s plenty of great fighting (choreographed by Tommy Lee) to make it well worth the watch. The story basically concerns a rivalry between a school for Eagle’s claw style (going through turmoil after the death of its master) and evil white haired Mantis Fist expert Chang Yi. Chi Kuan Chun and Don Wong Tao star, with Phillip Ko Fei, Leung Kar Yan, Got Siu Bo, Ma Cheung, Lung Fong and Shih Ting Ken.

EAGLE’S SHADOW See: SNAKE IN THE EAGLE’S SHADOW

EAGLE VS. SILVER FOX (bicheongwon) (1980 S.KOR) D: PARK YUN KYO P: HAN SANG HUN Mario Chan teams up with a girl and a hobo monk kung fu master to defeat Hwang Jang Lee, who’s trying to rebuild the Manchu dynasty. This is usually listed as a Godfrey Ho production until these new production credits came to light thanks to the folks at www.rarekungfumovies.com. That said, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Ho hiding under a name for tax breaks (and that Han Sang Hun is in fact Tomas Tang and/or Joseph Lai) as the film is a stinker like only Ho can make. But at least Hwang Jang Lee (Silver Fox in the hit THE SECRET RIVALS) choreographed some decent fights. Come to think of it, I remember Ho’s name being on the print, so could it be a case of a South Korean fan (!) wanting to use his idol’s profitable name? A scary thought, but Ho did shift units! See HITMAN IN THE HAND OF BUDDHA review for more complications!

THE EARTH DIES SCREAMING (1964 UK US) D: TERENCE FISHER W: “HENRY CROSS” (HARRY SPALDING) P: JACK PARSONS/ROBERT L. LIPPERT Fisher took a break from Hammer (where he made THE GORGON the same year) to direct this interesting 60 mins b/w co-production for Lippert, a thematic midpoint between TARGET EARTH and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. A small group of people in rural England have survived what they assume to be a gas attack that’s killed off the whole population (oddly enough, there aren’t any corpses lying around). Humanoid-shaped robots with domed spacesuit-like heads move around slowly, killing with their touch. Their victims return as blank-eyed zombie slaves. I like the fact that nothing much is explained in this low-key, low-budget but memorable oddity. With Dennis Price and Thorley Walters. Screenwriter Spalding also penned CURSE OF THE FLY (1965) and HOUSE OF THE DAMNED (among others).

EARTHQUAKE (1974 US) D/P: MARK ROBSON W: GEORGE FOX/MARIO PUZO A huge earthquake hits LA in this lacklustre all-star disaster movie. Charlton Heston heads the cast, George Kennedy is a world-weary cop, Richard Roundtree is an Evel Knievel wannabe stunt bike rider and Barry Sullivan is a psychotic National Guard survivalist. With Genevieve Bujold, Ava Gardener, Lorne Greene, Marjoe Gortner, Kip Niven, Donald Moffat, Walter Matthau, Debralee Scott, Lloyd Nolan, Gabriel Dell, Victoria Principal, Pedro Armendariz Jr., John Randolph, Jesse and Alan Vint and George Murdock.

EARTHQUAKE 7.9 See: DEATHQUAKE

EARTH’S FINAL FURY (1978) See: THE DAY TIME ENDED

EARTH’S FINAL FURY (1980) See: WHEN TIME RAN OUT…

EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS (1956 US) D: FRED F. SEARS W: GEORGE WORTHING YATES/“RAYMOND T. MARCUS” (BERNARD GORDON)/ CURT SIODMAK P: CHARLES H. SCHNEER Forget the fact that the aliens’ robot costumes look clunky as fuck, and that director Sears is more at home with rock’n’roll quickies, and this influential b/w sci-fi favourite is lots of fun and features the fantastic stop-motion FX of Ray Harryhausen as saucers attack Washington D.C. With Morris Ankrum, Thomas Browne Henry, Donald Curtis, Harry Lauter, Grand Rhodes, Larry J. Blake, Charles Evans and Frank Wilcox. Based on Donald E. Keyhoe’s novel Flying Saucers From Outer Space.

EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (the spider) (1958 US) D/W/P: BERT I. GORDON W: LASZLO GOROG/ GEORGE WORTHING YATES A giant spider in a large cave (with a web) in New Mexico is sprayed with DDT, and the carcass is foolishly put on display in the school gym. Turns out it’s just slumbering as a “teen” rock’n’roll band (the students are way too old) wake him up in this ropey but fun b/w BIG flick from AIP. With Gene Roth (as the unfunny dick of a Sheriff who seems to love killing animals for no reason) and Hank Patterson.

EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (2001 US) D: SCOTT ZIEHL W: CARY SOLOMAN/CHUCK KONZELMAN/ MARK ENSCOE/ANNIE DE YOUNG/MARK “CRASH” CREERY P: STAN WINSTON/LOU ARKOFF/COLLEEN CAMP Devon Gummersall stars as a comic book fanatic who idolises The Arachnid Avenger and is too shy to ask out his nursing student neighbour (Amelia Heinler). An armed robbery at the bio-chemical research plant where he works as a security guard results in his friend being shot and him losing his job. He injects himself with spider blood and slowly begins to transform. At first he uses his superstrength and ability to climb walls to help people and saves Heinler from a rapist/murderer. But soon he grows unsightly hair, fangs and legs, his face mutates, his non-stop supersensitive hearing drives him insane and he can shoot webs from his abdomen. The sad, lovesick “hero” only leaves his trashed apartment (with closed circuit tv) to satisfy his out-of-control thirst for flesh. His victims end up suspended in cocoons in the basement. Dan Aykroyd is a depressed past-his-prime police detective, Theresa Russell his alcoholic cheating wife. With John Cho as a comic book store owner and Dan Martin. This is by far the best of five Creature Features made for HBO the same year, reusing the titles (only) of 50s AIP hits. A clip from the original EARTH VS. THE SPIDER is seen on tv. From the director of BROKEN VESSELS (1998) and PROXIMITY (2001).

EARTH, WIND, FIRE, MOUNTAINS See: A FIST FULL OF TALONS

EASTERN CONDORS (dung fong tuk ying; dong fang tu ying) (1986 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG W: BARRY WONG P: LEONARD K. C. HO The US military send a group of 10 convicted Asian-American illegal immigrants into the jungles of Vietnam in 1976 to destroy some bombs left behind by America after the war. Crackerjack action movie serves up plenty of gunplay and explosions, but brutal martial arts is Sammo’s forte, and this doesn’t disappoint. With Sammo, Lam Ching Ying (MR. VAMPIRE series) as the S.W.A.T. team leader, Yuen Biao as a blackmarket merchant, Joyce Godenzi, Dr. Haing S. Ngor (from THE KILLING FIELDS), Charlie Chin Chiang Lin, Billy Lau, Yuen Woo Ping, Cory Yuen Kwai, Yuen Wah, Cheung Gwok Keung, Yasuaki Kurata, Peter Chan Lung, Billy Chow, James Tin Jun, Phillip Ko Fei, Wu Ma, Melvin Wong, Dick Wei, Chung Faat, Max Mok, Chin Kar Lok, Ben Lam Kwok Bun, Hsiao Ho and a perfectly maintained strain of black humour (with a great final punchline).

EASTERN HEROES (fury in red; gwang tin lung; hong tian long) (1991 HK) D: CHONG LEI P: PHILLIP KO Don’t expect a decent movie from Ko (Godfrey Ho collaborator). The forgettable plot has something to do with US/Hong Kong gangsters vs detectives. There’s some ok action, but nothing special. Robin Shou and Conan Lee star. Apparently Ko argued with Lee, so that’s why an unidentified actor pretends to be Lee and steps into a car which is blown up, writing him out of the story! With Ben Ng.

EASTERN PROMISES (2007 UK CAN US) D: DAVID CRONENBERG W: STEVEN KNIGHT P: WEBSTER LANTOS Almost a companion piece to A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE, this gangster movie (of sorts) takes place in London. Naomi Watts is a midwife trying to get a diary translated to discover more about a dead 14-year-old Russian girl who died during childbirth. Armin Mueller-Stahl is a restaurant owner and kingpin of the Vory v zakone who seems desperate to get his hands on it. Vincent Cassel is his son and co-star (along with Watts), Viggo Mortensen his driver and underling, trying to get accepted into the crime family for his own reasons. He’s nude in a great fight scene against blade-wielding Chechen gangsters (one is Tamer Hassan from THE BUSINESS) at a sauna in Finsbury. Like HISTORY, it’s a great film with deeper issues if the viewer wants to find them. Although I still don’t really see the significance of setting it at Christmas time. With Sinead Cusack, Jerzy Skolimowski and Olegan Fedoro.

THE EAST IS RED See: SWORDSMAN 3

THE EAST SIDE KIDS (1940 US) D: ROBERT HILL W: WILLIAM LIVELY P: SAM KATZMAN The first entry in Monogram’s b/w East Side Kids series did not feature the regulars like Leo Gorcey and Huntz Hall (they didn’t appear until the second movie BOYS OF THE CITY). Instead it has kids that actually look like kids, and the plot is more social drama/jd stuff like DEAD END and ANGELS WITH DIRTY FACES. I guess it’s not bad when considered a little brother to those major releases. With Leon Ames, Dennis Moore, Harris Berger, Vince Barnett, Dave O’Brien, Ted Adams, Alden “Stephen” Chase, Jim Farley, Robert Firke, Donald Haines and Frank Yaconelli.

THE EAST SIDE KIDS MEET BELA LUGOSI See: GHOSTS ON THE LOOSE (1943)

EASY RIDER (1969 US) D/W: DENNIS HOPPER W/P: PETER FONDA W: TERRY SOUTHERN Hopper has argued for years that he and he alone wrote this movie and had complete control over it. It’s a great biker/road movie that has dated surprisingly well (considering) as drifters Hopper and Fonda hit the road in search of the American dream. Lawyer Jack Nicholson (who’s very good) tags along. The famous ending was flipped on its head to an even more effective degree in the underrated ELECTRA GLIDE IN BLUE. With Karen Black, Tony Basil, Luana Anders, Michael Pataki, Phil Spector, Dan Haggety and Carrie Snodgress. László Kovács was the photographer and Steppenwolf provide the signature tune Born To Be Wild.

EATEN ALIVE (death trap; slaughter hotel; horror hotel) (1976 US) D: TOBE HOOPER W: ALVIN L. FAST/ KIM HENKEL W/P: MARDI RUSTAM Neville Brand is the weird owner of a rundown southern motel who kills guests with a scythe and feeds them to his pet crocodile. Atmospheric retread of Hooper’s classic THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE that has a nice sense of humour and benefits from Brand and the swamp sets, but is not really very good, or that entertaining. And I really wanted to like it too. Mohammed Rustam was an executive producer. With Mel Ferrer, Carolyn Jones, Marilyn Burns, Stuart Whitman and Robert Englund.

EATEN ALIVE! (doomed to die: the emerald jungle; magniati vivi) (1980 ITL) D/W: UMBERTO LENZI P: LUCIANO MARTINO/MINA COY After we see a series of blow-dart murders in NYC, Janet Agren goes to New Guinea (actually it was filmed in Sri Lanka) to find her sister who’s been brainwashed by the Reverend Jonas (Ivan Rassimov) to hand over all her savings and join his “purification village” deep in the jungle. Agren (who appears topless) hires ’nam deserter Robert Kerman to help her. After some snakes eating monkeys and stuff, they end up at the village to witness rape, decapitation and the opiuminduced slave mentality of Rassimov’s flock. If this Guyana-inspired storyline (there’s even a moving mass suicide finale) was not enough, cannibals also threaten and hack off breasts, tear open bodies and even chop off a guy’s dick. Enjoyable exploitation that’s more entertaining than Lenzi’s CANNIBAL FEROX. With Me Me Lai, Mel Ferrer and Franco Fantasia.

EATING MACHINE See: RETURN OF THE ALIENS: THE DEADLY SPAWN

EATING RAOUL (1982 US) D/W: PAUL BARTEL W: RICHARD BLACKBURN P: ANNE KIMMEL Paul (Paul Bartel) and Mary (Mary Woronov) Bland struggle to make money to buy a restaurant, and are fed-up with the obnoxious swingers who hang around their apartment block. Both problems are solved when they decide to place an ad to lure assorted perverts, and then kill them for their money (by hitting them over the head with a frying pan). Professional thief Robert Beltran soon enters the business by getting rid of the corpses which end up as dogmeat. One of the best black comedies ever has not lost its charm and appeal even after years of inferior copies and rip-offs. The hot tub scene is a classic. With Buck Henry, Richard Paul, Ed Begley Jr. as a hippy wannabe rapist, Billy Curtis, Charles B. Griffith, Blackburn (who made the acclaimed 1973 vampire movie LEMORA), Hamilton Camp, John Landis, Allan Rich, Don Steele and Edie McClurg. Bartel made PRIVATE PARTS seven years earlier and Woronov was in his DEATH RACE 2000. They were paired many times over the years in other people’s inferior films.

EAT THE SCHOOLGIRL: OSAKA TELEPHONE CLUB (1997 JPN) D/W: NAOYUKI TOMOMABU W: CHISATO OOGAWARA This one runs just under an hour. A young guy whose job is handing out tissues is first seen jacking off while on the phone at the title club. He’s confused (just like the viewer) and a psycho who does things like punch a girl he’s raping in the stomach so she pukes on her tits, before eviscerating her with a stanley knife and shooting his load on the intestines. An angelic-seeming young girl offers him her body, but this could be a fantasy. He’s eventually killed by a stuttering horny guy. There’s also a gang-rape adult video shoot complete with forced enema. Softcore, hardgore shock attempts with no sense of humour, for desperate viewers only. From the future director of STACY: ATTACK OF THE SCHOOLGIRL ZOMBIES.

EBIRAH, HORROR OF THE DEEP See: GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER

EBOLA SYNDROME (yi bo lai bing du; yi boah laai bam duck) (1996 HK) D: HERMAN YAU W: CHAU TING P: WONG JING The director and star of THE BUN MAN and TAXI HUNTER return. Anthony Wong is great as a horny psychopath who we first encounter killing his lover and her husband in Hong Kong. Ten years later, he’s working in a Chinese-owned restaurant in Johannesburg. While in the outback he rapes a native girl who, unbeknownst to him, is carrying the Ebola virus. She spits in his face during “intercourse” (so he caves her head in with a rock). Wong is one of the few people immune to the virus, but he becomes a carrier. When he rapes his boss’ wife, kills them both and turns them into hamburgers to sell, an epidemic erupts. Eventually tracked down, he retaliates by running up and down the streets with a meat cleaver yelling “Ebola!” and spitting in people’s faces! A highly entertaining virus horror that’s very sleazy and over the top in a way that the classic BUN MAN (with which this has distinct similarities) wasn’t. Recommended. With Lo Meng, Vincent Wan, Shing Fui-On and Baat Leung Gam.

THE E-BOX See: THE BRAIN MACHINE

ECHOES OF WIZARDRY See: IRON WARRIOR

ECSTASY See: ULTIMATE DESIRE

ECTOPLASM See: THE HAUNTING IN CONNETICUT

ED AND HIS DEAD MOTHER (bon appetit, mama; body cooking) (1992 US) D: JONATHAN WACKS W: CHUCK HUGHES P: W.M. CHRISTOPHER GOROG Steve Buscemi pays con-artist John Glover (from the Happy People corporation) to bring his dead mother (Miriam Margoyles) back to life. She sleeps in the fridge and has to eat bugs to stay alive. After taking an overdose of bugs she moves on to dogs and even considers eating humans (although no cannibalism actually occurs). Despite an interesting premise, this black comedy plays it too self-consciously wacky to be successful. With Ned Beatty, Jonathan Gries, Sam Jenkins, Eric Christmas, Gary Farmer, Robert Harvey, Eric Poppick and Rance Howard.

EDEN LAKE (2008 UK) D/W: JAMES WATKINS P: CHRISTIAN COLSON/RICHARD HOLMES A couple (Kelly Reilly and Michael Fassbender) holidaying at the titular rural beauty spot end up fighting for their lives after tangling with a local gang of obnoxious out-of-control teenagers. In so much as it takes a current societal/media hysteria (in this case unruly chavs and hoodies) and mines that paranoia for thrills, this is first-class exploitation. If it’s meant to be taken more seriously (which I don’t think it is), it’s more problematic and silly. With Thomas Turgoose (star of the 2006 gem THIS IS ENGLAND). I guess WHILE SHE WAS OUT was the American equivalent.

EDGAR ALLAN POE’S THE BLACK CAT See: THE BLACK CAT (1966)

THE EDGE (1997 US) D: LEE TAMAHORI W: DAVID MAMET P: ART LINSON Alec Baldwin is a fashion photographer on a shoot in Alaska. Elle MacPherson is his model and Anthony Hopkins her elderly, kind, intellectual billionaire husband. While out flying looking for a shooting location, the plane crashes, leaving Baldwin, Hopkins (and Harold Perrineau, who doesn’t last long) in the wilderness. The getting-back-to-civilisation adventure story is mixed with love-triangle suspense, and it’s pretty good stuff actually. With L.Q Jones and a line of dialogue from DAWN OF THE DEAD.

ED GEIN (in the light of the moon) (2000 US) D: CHUCK PARELLO W: STEPHEN JOHNSTON P: MARK BOOT/HAMISH McALPINE/MICHAEL MUSCAL Executive producer Steve Railsback is really good as serial killer Gein whose secret, malignant brand of rural small-town homicide shocked America in the 1950s. Carrie Snodgress appears as Gein’s late puritanical, domineering mother in flashbacks and hallucinations, urging him to do away with loose women. Gein checks the obituaries for people to dig up and try to resurrect. When that fails the bodyparts come in handy. When Railsback plays around with his collection of noses it’s almost as ghoulish as DERANGED (the ultimate, if less accurate, Gein movie). It opens with b/w news footage of Gein’s neighbours being interviewed. Parello also made HENRY 2. Screenwriter Johnston went on to write TED BUNDY.

EDGE OF DARKNESS See: BEYOND THE EDGE OF DARKNESS

THE EDGE OF HELL See: ROCK’N’ROLL NIGHTMARE

EDGE OF SANITY (split-edge of sanity; dr. jekyll et mr. hyde) (1988 UK FRA HUN US) D: GERARD KIKOINE W/P: EDWARD SIMONS (uncredited) W: J.P. FELIX/RON RALEY P: HARRY ALAN TOWERS In one of the more peculiar Jekyll and Hyde adaptations, Anthony Perkins is a surgeon (walking with a cane) who’s developed a new form of anaesthetic. The side effects turn him into a nimble, pasty-faced Iggy Pop/ Lux Interior lookalike who smokes a crack pipe (!), has an ass fetish and butchers Whitechapel prostitutes à la Jack the Ripper. He also frequents a brothel where a topless nun plays the violin as another does lewd exercises beneath a crucified Jesus (a throwaway background detail, but most memorable!). Perkins fans will want to see this often laughable, highly-stylised oddity. I particularly like the fact that it doesn’t care a jot for period detail (all the fashions and makeup are 1980s). David Lodge has his last movie role. There used to be a cut 85 mins version doing the rounds, but the full 91 mins is now readily available. Less readily available is a THE MAKING OF EDGE OF SANITY (!) tape that I remember ignoring when it was new. I wish I’d bought it now.

EDGE OF THE AXE (al filo del hacha) (1987 SPN) D: “JOSEPH BRAUNSTEIN” (José LARRAZ) W: JOAQUIN AMICHATIS/JAVIER ELORRIETA W/P: JOSÉ FRADE A figure in a white face mask is killing people in a small Texas town. The main teen characters are a part-time insect exterminator and his new girlfriend. They both communicate by computer. A pig’s head ends up in a bed, a dog is killed and several people are chopped up, but the local arsehole sheriff refuses to acknowledge it. The camera doesn’t cut away from the axe blows and there’s a downbeat ending, but this isn’t really any better than most teen slasher movies of the period. With Jack Taylor. The director is most famous for the lesbian vampire hit VAMPYRES.

EDOGAWA RAMPO NO OGON KAMEN YOSE NO BIJOU (1978 JPN) D: UMEJI INOUE W: KIMIYUKI HASEGAWA P: AKIHIRO UENO/KYOZO UTSUNOMIYA Shigeru Amachi is detective Kogoro Akechi (the Japanese Sherlock Holmes, created by Edgowa Rampo). A mysterious figure in a smiling gold mask is responsible for some antique robberies, and possibly murder as well. Chu Araiee is Akechi’s comic relief sidekick (kinda like the Japanese Watson) and Karo Yumi is Fujiko. This mystery with secret trapdoors, a speedboat chase and the bloody stabbing of a naked woman starts energetically but soon slows down. Arsene Lupin turns up for the cable car/helicopter ending. With Megumi Igarashi, Mieko Yuki, Linda Yamamoto and Goro Ibuki. From the director of the 1962 version of BLACK LIZARD. [Illus.]

EDWARD PENISHANDS (1991 US) D/W: PAUL NORMAN P: TORI WELLES Tim Burton’s EDWARD SCISSORHANDS is reworked as porno. Just in case you don’t understand, the main character has two big cocks instead of hands. That’s about it really. With Jeanna Fine, Jamie Leigh, Dominique Simone, Jon Dough, Trinity Loren, Alexandra Quinn. Two sequels followed. Burton’s earlier BEETLEJUICE has also been reworked as porno, BEETLEJISM. Someone should write a book.

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS (1990 US) D/W/P: TIM BURTON W: CAROLINE THOMPSON P: DENISE DI NOVI Vincent Price (in his last role) appears at the beginning of this movie as a scientist creating title character Johnny Depp. Price dies before he can finish, leaving his creation an awkward recluse with large scissor-hands. Diane Wiest befriends him and he falls in love with her daughter Winona Ryder. This sickly-sweet modern fairy tale has great sets, but was a bit much for me. With Alan Arkin, Kathy Baker, Anthony Michael Hall, Stuart Lancaster, Caroline Aaron, Aaron Lustig, Alan Fudge, Marc Macaulay, Brett Rice, Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys and Stan Winston FX.

ED WOOD (1994 US) D/P: TIM BURTON W: SCOTT ALEXANDER/LARRY KARASZEWSKI P: DENISE DI NOVI This beautiful b/w look at the legendary Edward D. Wood Jr. (Johnny Depp, who’s great) was one of the nicest surprises when it came out. Far from being a sneering Medved style put down, it paints Wood as a lovely guy genuinely trying to make movies with his twisted talent and low budgets. This touching portrayal makes it easy for us to overlook some inaccuracies, both big and small. Martin Landau deserved to win the best supporting actor Oscar for his portrayal of Bela Lugosi (who calls Boris Karloff a “limey cocksucker”). Bill Murray is Bunny Breckinridge and Jeffrey Jones is Criswell in two more pieces of inspired casting. With Patricia Arquette as Kathy Wood, Sarah Jessica Parker as Dolores Fuller, Lisa Marie as Vampira, George “The Animal” Steele as Tor Jihnson (an amazing likeness), Vincent D’Onofrio as Orson Welles, Mike Starr as George Weiss, G.D. Spradlin, Juliet Landau, Brent Hinkley, Norman Alden, Ned Bellamy, Melora Walters, Stanley De Santis, Rance Howard, Korla Pandit, Ray Baker and Wood veterans Paul Marco and Conrad Brooks. Based on Rudolph Grey’s indispensable book Nightmare of Ecstasy, it ends with Wood driving away from the PLAN 9 premiere thinking he’s created a masterpiece. A filmed version of the latter half of Wood’s life would be welcome, although much more depressing.

THE ED WOOD STORY See: FLYING SAUCERS OVER HOLLYWOOD

EEGAH! (1962 US) D/W/P: “NICHOLAS MERRIWETHER” (ARCH HALL SR.) W: BOB WEHLING P: BOB WILLIAMS Arch Hall Jr. (who plays guitar and sings) rescues his girlfriend and her adventure story-writing father (Hall Sr. under the pseudonym “William Watters”) from a caveman (Richard Kiel with a club and fake beard) who lives in Bronson Canyon. He keeps the skeletons of his Stone Age descendents around and falls in love with Hall’s girl (after she gives him a shave). Kiel eventually finds his way to civilisation to try to reclaim her, and disrupt a poolside party. Terrible flick has an interesting slow guitar and organ theme tune. In fact the opening credits are the best part. Look for Ray Dennis Steckler and Carolyn Brandt. As bad Bronson Canyon movies go, ROBOT MONSTER is much more enjoyable. Hall Jr. is better suited to villainy (like in THE SADIST) I think.

THE EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW (the tormented; the sexorcist; the devil obssession; enter the devil; l’ossessa) (1974 ITL) D/W: MARIO GARIAZZO W: AMBROGIO MOLTENI P: PAOLO AZZONI/RICCARDO ROMANO “This film is based on a true story.” Like fuck it is! A female art student is possessed by the ancient, priceless statue of a crucified thief found in a church. Sometimes we see it as a demon come to life in the form of Ivan Rassimov. Priests are called in to help her in underwhelming EXORCIST rip-off scenes. Very bad indeed. With Umberto Raho, Giuseppe Addobbati, Gabriele Tinti, Luigi Pistilli and Luigi Antonio Guerra. From the director of AMAZONIA, BROTHER FROM SPACE and others. The American EERIE release campaign (from 1977) copied the advertising for THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW (1975).

EIGHT DIAGRAM POLE FIGHTER (the invincible pole fighter; ng long baat gwa gwan; wu lang ba gua gun) (1983 HK) D/W: LIU CHIA LIANG W: I. KUANG P: MONA FONG The only surviving brothers of a family of pole fighters massacred by the Mongols are the crazed Fu Sheng (who actually died in a car crash midway through filming), and Gordon Hui, who wishes to become a Shaolin monk. They must both return to battle their enemies in this typically high quality Shaw Bros release from Liang (who has an important pivotal role and was choreographer along with Ging Chue and Hsiao Ho). With Wong Yu, Wong Ching Ho, Ging Chue, Jue Tit Woh, Hsiao Ho, Yuen Tak, Robert Mak Tak Law, Kara Hui, Lily Li Li Li, Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Phillip Ko Fei and Lau Kar Wing.

EIGHT DISCIPLES See: FIST OF THE GOLDEN MONKEY

THE 18 BRONZEGIRLS OF SHAOLIN (bronzegirls of shaolin; siu lam sap baat tung; shao lin shi ba tong nu) (1983 HK) D: CHIEN LAI YEH W: LI SHU LIN P: LIN YUN Pretty stupid kung fu film doesn’t have much of the title women, but when they do appear they hurl themselves at a big bell as part of their training. Doris Lung is a former bronzegirl escapee out to incriminate the evil renegade Shaolin monk (Kam Kong?) forcing the bronzegirls to train. But all of this is backstage to typically idiotic, grinding humour. With Yueh Hua and a flying watermelon.

18 BRONZEMEN (shaolin temple: 18 bronzemen; siu lam chi sap baat tung yan; shao lin si shi ba tong ren) (1976 HK) D/W/P: JOSEPH KUO Chang Yi is enrolled in the Shaolin temple as a child by his father, a Ming Dynasty general. When he grows up he and his friend (star Carter Wong) decide to leave the temple in order to help fight Manchu invaders. But first they must earn their leave by negotiating the labyrinth Shaolin chamber which includes armour-plated wooden men (some of which carry staff and swords). Unfortunately after the great first hour involving the chamber the film runs out of steam when our heroes reach the outside world. Well worth seeing though. With Polly Shang Kuan, Tien Peng, O Yau Man, Yee Yuen, Liu Ping, Su Chen Ping, Wong Fei Lung, Shaw Luo Hui and Lau Lap Cho. Cliff Lok and Chan Siu Pang choreographed. RETURN OF THE 18 BRONZEMEN was the sequel.

EIGHTEEN BRONZEMEN 2 See: THE RETURN OF THE EIGHTEEN BRONZEMEN

THE EIGHTEEN CLAWS OF SHAOLIN See: THE EIGHTEEN JADE ARHATS

18 DEADLY STRIKES See: 18 FATAL STRIKES

18 FATAL STRIKES (18 deadly strikes; sap baat law hon; shi ba luo han) (1978 HK) D: YEUNG JING CHAN W: NIU CHUNG PA/HSIEH MO HUNG P: CHEUK HON WONG A rebel monk against the Qing is cared for by brothers Stephen Tung Wai and Dean Shek after being injured by a white-haired villain who practises Shaking Eagle Claw style. He teaches them kung fu for revenge in this enjoyable-while-it-lasts kung fu quickie. With Shut Chung Tin, Shih Ting Ken and Au Lap Bo. Tung Wai and Yuen Cheung Yan choreographed.

EIGHTEEN FIGHTING SKILLS See: 18 WEAPONS OF KUNG FU

18 GOLDEN DESTROYERS See: GOLDEN DESTROYERS

THE EIGHTEEN JADE ARHATS (bruce lee: the flying dragon; the eighteen claws of shaolin; 18 jade pearls; jade killer; sap baat yuk lau hon; shi ba yu luo han) (1978 HK) D: CHEUNG GIT W: YAO CHING KANG P: KEUNG CHUNG PING Polly Shan Kwan, Lo Lieh and Chang Yi star in this complex and confusing kung fu movie. Lee Chiu and Ghow Yu Gin (who both also act here) provide some solid fight choreography that should allow most genre fans to overlook the story though. Notable are the opening training sequence with bizarre mechanised statue, and duel on rolling iron balls scenes. With Phillip Ko Fei, Kung Fei, Lee Keung, Au Lap Bo, Kong Ching Ha, Ching Kuo Chung, O Yau Man and Cheung Chung Kwai.

18 JADE PEARLS See: THE EIGHTEEN JADE ARHATS

18 SECRETS OF KUNG FU See: 18 WEAPONS OF KUNG FU

18 SHAOLIN DISCIPLES See: SHAOLIN KUNG FU MYSTAGOGUE

18 WEAPONS OF KUNG FU (eighteen fighting skills; 18 secrets of kung fu) (1980 TAI) D: WU YUEN LING/ CHEN HUNG MEN P: SEK FUNG This kung fu obscurity doesn’t have 18 weapons in it unfortunately (we only see a staff and sword used briefly), but does have some great fight action (choreographed by Wang Yung Seng). Unlikely to convert the uninitiated, but kung fu fans should enjoy. Wong Chi Sang and Got Siu Bo are in the cast.

THE 18 YEAR OLD SCHOOLGIRLS See: THE CHEERLEADERS

EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS (spider panic) (2002 US) D/W: ELLORY ELKAYEM W: JESSE ALEXANDER/ RANDY KORNFIELD P: DEAN DEVLIN/BRUCE BERMAN Various types of tarantula escape from Tom Noonan’s exotic spider farm and grow to giant size when exposed to toxic waste. They attack an Arizona desert town in this comedic, CGI-filled monster movie. David Arquette stars, with Kari Wuhrer as the sheriff, Scarlett Johansson, Leon Rippy and Scott Terra. Reasonably enjoyable if you’re in the mood, but I wish they’d spent the money on a more serious giant insect movie. Roland Emmerich was an executive producer.

8 MAN (1992 JPN) D: YASUHIRO HORIUCHI W: JUNKO SUZUKI W/P: ISAO URUSHIDANI P: SHINJI KOMORI/TOMIO NAKAMURA Here’s a live-action spin-off from a 60s tv anime. Kai Shishido is the cop who is gunned down (by Mickey Curtis) and later resurrected by scientist Jo Shishido (his reallife father) as a cyborg with an electronic brain. He goes back to work looking exactly the same, but his old partner (Daisuke Shima) and fiancée don’t recognise him (?). Sometimes he transforms into 8 Man, with a metal outer shell. He can move and run really fast and… well, that’s about all he can do really. This pathetic, talky and boring cheap superhero movie has a senseless end fight in a graveyard and a laughable fight in mid-air against scientist Shishido’s other prototype cyborg gone bad. With Etsushi Takahashi (who narrates). It was followed by 8 MAN AFTER.

THE EIGHT MASTERS (baat daai moon; ba da men pai) (1982 TAI) D/P: JOSEPH KUO W: M.L. SHU/P.S. CHIANG This could be considered a follow up to 18 BRONZEMEN and RETURN OF THE 18 BRONZEMEN. Carter Wong stars as a young man raised from an infant by monks in Shaolin temple. After he passes through the Shaolin chambers (complete with traps and bronzemen), he decides to leave the temple to look after his blind mother. But then eight masters insist on fighting the pacifist Wong to pay for sins committed by his father. Another firstclass fight flick from Kuo, that is loaded with action, while utilising many different styles and weapons (including a big metal hand on a stick, which I’ve never seen before). They even throw in some hopping vampires. With Judy Lee, Doris Lung, Liu Ping, Philip Ko Fei, Wong Fei Lung, O Yau Man, Shaw Luo Hui, Lau Lap Cho, Li Min Lang ans Su Chen Ping. Fight choreography was by Wong Lung.

8MM (1998 US GER) D/P: JOEL SCHUMACHER W: ANDREW KEVIN WALKER P: GAVIN POLONE/ JUDY HOFFLUND When a wealthy industrial tycoon dies, Nicolas Cage (as a private detective/ surveillance expert) is hired by the man’s widow to investigate the authenticity of an 8mm snuff movie found in a safe. Cage proceeds to investigate the rougher side of the Hollywood and New York porn industries only to discover that snuff movies do exist in an often ridiculous but fun update of HARDCORE. With Joaquin Phoenix, James Gandolfini, Peter Stormare (as a snuff movie-maker), Anthony Heald, Chris Bauer as Machine, Catherie Keener, Norman Reedus and Jacklyn Lick and snuff scenes. As long as you don’t expect an in-depth investigation of the snuff urban legend, this is an enjoyable, sensationalistic thriller (written by the guy who wrote SE7EN). Aphex Twin’s Come To Daddy is heard. It’s interesting to note how the geographic iconography of snuff has changed since the 70s (when it was South American) to the implied Arabic (note soundtrack) and Asian origins here.

8 MILLION WAYS TO DIE (1986 US) D: HAL ASHBY W: OLIVER STONE/DAVID LEE HENRY/ROBERT TOWNE (uncredited) P: STEPHEN J. ROTH Cop Jeff Bridges loses his job after killing an unarmed man, wallows in alcohol and is then sucked into a world of high class hookers, corruption and drugs. You couldn’t care less about any of these characters or the unappealing world they inhabit, and there’s no sex and violence to help it score on a visceral level. With Rosanna Arquette, Alexandra Paul, Randy Brooks, Andy Garcia, Vyto Ruginis, James Avery, ILSA director Don Edmonds and Tiny Lister.

EIGHT STRIKES OF WILD CAT (ye mao be fan) (1976 TAI HK) D: LIN YI HSU P: TUNG CHIANCHING The Three Rats (Choi Wang, Ma Chin-Ku and Chan San-Lam, who fight in formation) kill a kung fu teacher while searching for a treasure map in several parts. His daughter (Chi Dan Dan) flees, meets a young scholar (Lee Tao-Hung) and learns the title style from his master (Wang Tai-Lang) for revenge. There’s nothing special about this kung fu movie (one of several that lifts parts of the HANG ’EM HIGH soundtrack), but the fighting (choreographed by Lam Maan-Chung and Chan Cheung) is good enough for fans to keep watching it through to the end. With Man Man and Au Lap-Bo. A restored, widescreen English-dubbed print is scratchy all the way through.

84 CHARLIE MOPIC (1989 US) D/W: PATRICK SHEANE DUNCAN P: MICHAEL NOLIN Underappreciated gem of a Vietnam War movie where the events are all seen through the lens of a film camera. The experimental POV shot has been used extensively before (like in THE LADY IN THE LAKE and DARK PASSAGE), but this naturalistic docudrama (that’s extremely well-acted by a cast of relative unknowns) incorporates the style logically to great effect. With Glenn Morshower and the voices of Dale Dye and Glenn Plummer. The music is by Donovan.

EL CONDOR (1970 US) D: JOHN GUILLERMIN W: LARRY COHEN/STEVEN W. CARABASTOS P: ANDRÉ DE TOTH Jim Brown escapes from a chain gang (where he was chained to Elisha Cook Jr.) and teams up with Lee Van Cleef to try to infiltrate El Condor, a Mexican fort filled with gold. They’re helped by Apache Indians. Cleef and Brown make a good team (they would return, though not as partners, in TAKE A HARD RIDE [1975] and KID VENGEANCE [1977]) and this western is pretty entertaining. With Marianna Hill, Patrick O’Neal, Iron Eyes Cody, Gustavo Rojo, Julio Pena, Angel del Pozo, Ricardo Palacios, Charly Brown and Dan Van Husen. Check out the screenwriter/producer credits.

ELDERS See: MY YOUNG AUNTIE

ELECTION (hak se wui) (2005 HK) D/P: JOHNNIE TO W: YAU NAI-HOI/YIP TIN-SHING P: DENNIS LAW It’s time for the ancient Wo Sing Triad gang and its associates to elect a new leader. Simon Yam is the favourite, and seems like a nice reasonable businessman. But when chief rival Tony Leung Ka-Fai refuses to come in second, a behind-the-scenes mob war seems inevitable. What may seem on paper to be just another Triad-actioner-by-numbers is in fact a riveting, superior thriller that sucks you in with its quiet, detailed approach, and should leave both curious newcomers and mob movie-viewing veterans satisfied. With Louis Koo, Lam Suet, Nick Cheung, Wong Tin-Lam (scene stealer), Tam Bing-Man, old timers David Chiang (as a cop) and Wong Chung (looking surprisingly aged), Chan Siu-Pang, Yuen Bun, Raymond Wong and Lam Man-Wai. The excellent score is by Lau Dai-Yau. It was a major hit for Milkyway, and deserved to be.

ELECTION 2 (triad election; hak se qui yi wo wai kwai) (2006 HK) D/P: JOHNNIE TO W: YIP TIN-SHING P: DENNIS LAW This time it’s Yam up against Louis Koo in an extremely worthwhile follow up with most of the same cast, plus Andy On, Mark Cheng and Alan Chui Chung-San.

ELECTRA GLIDE IN BLUE (1973 US) D/P: JAMES WILLIAM GUERICO W/P: RUPERT HITZIG W: ROBERT BORIS Robert Blake stars as a naïve, trusting motorcycle cop in the desert involved in a murder investigation. It’s hippies vs redneck cops and nobody’s a good guy except clueless Blake who gets shot in an ending that inverts the end of EASY RIDER. But this interesting and extremely well acted movie can stand on its own. With Billy Green Bush, Mitchell Ryan, Royal Dano, Elisha Cook Jr. and Chicago (Guerico managed them, but don’t let that put you off).

ELECTRIC DRAGON 80,OOOV (2001 JPN) D/W: SOGO ISHII P: TAKENORI SENTO If you don’t expect too much, this b/w less-than-an-hour throwback to the days of cyberpunk cinema like TETSUO is kinda fun comic book nonsense (without the intensity of Shinya Tsukamoto’s classic). Tadanobu Asano is the electric guitar-wielding, reptile-hunting Dr. Dolittle Dragon Eye Morrison. Masatoshi Nagase is the halfmetal electronic voyeur Thunderbolt Buddha. Both struck by lightning as kids, these two supercharged freaks of nature must fight. After the first half of the movie sets up the characters, a long, kinetic Tokyo rumble is the highlight. Asano and Ishii (who previously collaborated on GOJOE) provide the noisy soundtrack as Mach 1.67.

THE ELECTRIC HOTEL (hotel electrique; el hotel electrico) (1908 FRA SPN) D/W: SEGUNDO DE CHOMON A man (Chomon) and woman try out the facilities at a fully automated (actually magical) hotel that miraculously cleans their shoes, combs their hair and shaves him. At the end of this 10 mins b/w silent short, the hotel malfunctions and all the furniture goes berserk.

ELECTRONIC LABYRINTH THX 1138 4EB (1967 US) D/W: GEORGE LUCAS While at the University of Southern California, Lucas made this 15 mins movie that was later expanded on for his feature debut THX 1138 in 1971. It’s pretty impressive for a student film, and better than the remake.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GHOST STORY (gakko no kaidan; haunted school; school for ghosts) (1995 JPN) D: HIDEYUKI HIRAYAMA W: SAWAKO OKUDERA P: YOSHIO SAKAII/YOSHINORI FUJITA/KAZUHIKO SETA Some school kids and a teacher (Hironobu Nomura) get trapped inside a haunted old-school building. They encounter ghosts, monsters and a caretaker (Mashiro Sato) who mutates into a spider. It’s based on a book by Toru Tsunemitsu culled from children’s urban myth ghost stories. A good fantasy flick for kids that turned out to be a critical and commercial hit, so sequels followed. HANAKO IN THE RESTROOM is along the same lines.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GHOST STORY 2 (gakko no kaidan 2) (1996 JPN) D: HIDEYUKI HIRAYAMA W: SATOKO OKUDERA P: YOSHINORI FUJITA/KAZUHIKO SETA/NORIO KIMURA After thief Hironobu Nomura pockets a watch from a haunted school, he and a bunch of kids are faced with fun FX monsters and ghouls controlled by principal Kyoko Kishida in this entertaining sequel that should rock your kids’ world. I know I would have loved it at the right age. With Naomi Nishida, Hiroshi Kambe as a cop and Kitarou.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GHOST STORY 3 (gakko no kaidan 3) (1997 JPN) D/W: SHUSUKE KANEKO W: MICHIRU SHIMADA P: YOSHINORI FUJITA/KAZUHIKO SETA/NORAO KIMURA This entry has a different director (who helmed MY SOUL IS SLASHED and the GAMERA revival series). Again it’s a traditional horror tale aimed at kids as a bunch of preteens and a teacher get sucked into an alternate reality through a mirror in the school. They encounter a dog with a human face and a bus full of zombies among other things. With Naomi Takada, Yukijiro Hotaru, Hitmoi Kuroke and Hideki Noda. The FX are excellent and it’s a shame that overprotective censors in the west would probably prevent this from being dubbed for children in America and Europe. Most kids worldwide would love this series. A part four also appeared in 1999.

THE ELEMENT OF CRIME (forbrydelsen element) (1984 DEN) D/W: LARS VON TRIER W: NIELS VOERSEL/ TOMAS GISLASON/TOM ELLING Michael Elphick is a cop returning to a future post-apocalyptic-look flooded Europe to solve a series of little girl murders. Despite having a predictable ending and being pretentious and very slow-moving, this is worth seeing for the incredible sepia-toned photography by Tom Elling and Von Trier’s extraordinary visuals. Me Me Lai has a large part as a prostitute, with Esmond Knight, Preben Lerdorff Rye and Von Trier. It was filmed in English.

ELEPHANT KILLER See: THE KILLER ELEPHANTS

THE ELEPHANT MAN (1980 UK) D/W: DAVID LYNCH W: CHRISTOPHER DE VORE/ERIC BERGREN P: JONATHAN SANGER After ERASERHEAD Lynch made this excellent, very different, sympathetic and fully-rounded story about the real-life deformed Joseph Merrick (here called John Merrick, and played by John Hurt, who’s fantastic under Wally Schneiderman makeup). The beautiful b/w photography is by Freddie Francis (who used to direct for Hammer). Anthony Hopkins is the doctor Frederick Treves, who befriends Merrick (the story is based on his writings, which had been the subject of a book cowritten by Treves with Ashley Montagu). With Anne Bancroft, Sir John Gielgud, Freddie Jones, Wendy Hiller, Michael Elphick, Dexter Fletcher, John Standing, Frederick Treves (an actor who happens to share a name with the aforementioned doctor on the case! Maybe he got cast for that reason?), William Morgan Sheppard, Kathleen Byron, David Ryall and Pauline Quirke. It’s from Mel Brooks’ Brooksfilm (that also backed THE FLY remake).

ELEVATED (1996 CAN) D: VINCENZO NATALI W: KAREN WALTON P: STEVE HOBAN/VANESSA C. LAUFER This short (just under 20 mins) was made prior to Natali’s CUBE. A trio of strangers (including David Hewlett from CUBE) are trapped in a lift while some unseen horror lurks outside. Interesting to see CUBE elements, and it’s a pretty effective short in its own right. With Bruce McFee. Walton also wrote GINGER SNAPS.

ELEVEN DAYS, ELEVEN NIGHTS (undici giorni, undici notti) (1986 ITL) D/W: “JOE D’AMATO” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) W: CLAUDIO FRAGASSO Pretty terrible and unerotic 9 1/2 WEEKS cash in from Massaccesi. I probably enjoyed it more that it’s big-budget “influence” though. With “John Morghen” (Giovanni Lombardo Radice). A sequel followed.

THE ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT See: BODYCOUNT (1986)

ELLA See: MONKEY SHINES

ELMER See: BRAIN DAMAGE

ELVES (1989 US) D/W: JEFF MANDEL W: MARK GRIFFITH/BRUCE TAYLOR P: MARK PAGLIA Dan Haggerty is an ex-detective who gets a job as a department store Santa. He helps a teen virgin girl who, it turns out, is in danger of being impregnated by an elf (just one, despite the title) that was genetically engineered by Nazis! Her grandfather (who’s also her father) is behind the plot. Wrongheaded in the extreme, but unfortunately not really entertainingly so. “When there’s no more room in Hell, the Elves will walk the Earth.”

ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE DARK (1988 US) D: JAMES SIGNORELLI W: SAM EGAN/JOHN PARA GON/CASSANDRA PETERSON P: ERIC GARDNER/ MARC PIERSON Peterson was pretty annoying while commenting on movies as Vampira rip-off horror host Elvira. She’s a little more likeable in this pretty dumb comedy. She upsets the stuffy adults of a small old-fashioned town where she’s inherited a house, but the teens love her. There’s corny jokes, endless references to Peterson’s breast size and clips from IT CONQUERED THE WORLD and ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES. Mostly rubbish, from New World. With William Morgan Sheppard and Kurt Fuller. The Japanese rental version I saw had a special Elvira “Hello Japan” spot.

ELVIRA NAKED See: THE WORKING GIRLS

ELVIS: THAT’S THE WAY IT IS (1970 US) D: DENIS SANDERS P: DALE HUTCHINSON/HERBERT F. SOLOW This excellent documentary shows Elvis performing at his regular Las Vegas show after his release from the army. As well as the concert footage we also get a look at Elvis and his band rehearsing. This review refers to the 2000 reissue version with a larger emphasis on the above footage, but an earlier cut has more fan interviews and a look at an Elvis convention. No matter how good a document it is though, you’re not likely to enjoy unless you’re an Elvis fan (and the born performer is not at his best here I think). Celebrity onlookers include Charo, Sammy Davis Jr., Cary Grant, George Hamilton and Juliet Prowse (from WHO KILLED TEDDY BEAR?). Sanders later made INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS.

EMANUELLE AND FRANCOISE See: EMANUELLE’S REVENGE

EMANUELLE AND THE LAST CANNIBALS (trap them and kill them; emanuelle’s amazon adventure; emanuelle e gli ultimi cannibali) (1977 ITL) D/W: “JOE D’AMATO” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) W: ROMANO SCANDARIATO P: GIANFRANCO COUYOUMDJIAN Laura Gemser is a journalist for the New York Evening Post. While on an undercover assignment in an asylum (with a very obvious hidden camera in a doll), she sees a patient bite off a nurse’s breast and eat it. A tattoo above the girl’s “pubic region” identifies her as a descendant of an Amazonian cannibal tribe thought to be extinct. After seeing some “cannibal footage”, Gemser and anthropologist Gabriele Tinti go to the Amazon to look for the tribe (and fuck a lot). They hook up with some other characters (including a nun and a hunting couple searching for a crashed plane with diamonds aboard). Of course they do encounter cannibals, so there are plenty of gut-munching scenes. With a gang-rape, a man sliced in half during a tug-of-war with a wire, gore and decapitation, very welcome Gemser nudity, time-wasting softcore sex scenes, badly edited-in footage of alligators and (my favourite) a monkey smoking a cigarette, intercut with a lesbian groping scene. Top rate D’Amato sleaze. With Donald O’Brien, Nieves Navarro and Al Yamanouchi. It’s one of three D’Amato/Gemser Emanuelle features the same year (THE DEGRADATION OF EMANUELLE and EMANUELLE AND THE WHITE SLAVE TRADE were the others). It’s not as graphic or disturbing as EMANUELLE IN AMERICA, but more enjoyable. THE MOUNTAIN OF THE CANNIBAL GOD copied (and tamed down) this feature.

EMANUELLE AROUND THE WORLD See: THE DEGRADATION OF EMANUELLE

EMANUELLE IN AFRICA See: BLACK EMANUELLE

EMANUELLE IN AMERICA (brutal nights; emanuelle nera in america) (1976 ITL) D: “JOE D’AMATO” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) W: MARIA PIA FUSCO/ OTTAVIO ALESSI/PIERO VIVARELLI One of selazemeister D’Amato’s most outrageous and extreme movies. Laura Gemser is a photographer who zips all over the world with a corrupt millionaire. We witness hardcore sex orgies, horse masturbation and incredible faked snuff movie footage (second-unit work by Donatella Donati featuring grisly Gianetto De Rossi FX) that inspired Cronenberg to make VIDEODROME (in the uncut version now readily available on dvd, but I remember the days of getting a washed out nth generation bootleg from a Venezuelan VHS!). Unfortunately sexy Gemser never participated in any hard X footage. With Gabriel Tinti, Salvatore Baccaro and Marina Hedman. There were three more Massaccesi/ Gemser Emanuelle titles the following year (including the more fun EMANUELLE AND THE LAST CANNIBALS).

EMANUELLE IN THE COUNTRY (country nurse; pierino messo comunale, practicamente spione; l’infermia di campagna) (1978 ITL) D: “ALAN W. COOLS” (MARIO BIANCHI) W: LUIGI PETRINI Laura Gemser is the new doctor who really turns heads when she arrives in a small country town near the sea. The main plot involves her helping a couple of young star-crossed lovers get married despite their feuding parents’ opposing political views. All the men in the town pay to ogle at her taking a shower through binoculars. If you still haven’t had enough of Gemser naked then I guess that’s the only reason you might want to check out this very forgettable erotic comedy.

EMANUELLE, QUEEN OF THE DESERT (la belva dalle calda pelle; the dirty seven) (1982 ITL) D/W: BRUNO FONTANA P: DICK RANDALL The frequently naked Laura Gemser seduces some runaway soldiers in an unspecified, desolate desert location with dialogue like “how long has it been since you had a hot cunt?” Turns out she wants to avenge the death of her sister. If you want to see Gemser naked, it’s not as if this is the only chance you’ll get. So check out another more interesting vehicle for the beauty from Java and leave this cruddy fake Emanuelle flick alone (Gemser’s character isn’t even called Emanuelle). With her real-life husband Gabriele Tinti in a small part. It’s based on Fontana’s novel The Time of the Wild Beasts.

EMANUELLE’S AMAZON ADVENTURE See: EMANUELLE AND THE LAST CANNIBALS

EMANUELLE’S HOLIDAY See: BLACK EMANUELLE

EMANUELLE’S REVENGE (blood vengeance; emanuelle and francoise; francoise and emanuelle: the little sisters; francoise e emanuelle; emanuelle e francoise (le sorelline)) (1976 ITL) D/W/P: “JOE D’AMATO” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) W: BRUNO MATTEI After her sister kills herself by jumping in front of a train, Emanuelle (Rosemarie Lindt) learns that she was driven to it by a mean, manipulative and sadistic playboy (Luigi Montefiore aka George Eastman) who often forced her to fuck other men against her will. Lindt seduces the man before locking him up in a secret room and tormenting him with sex acts he can hear over an intercom. There’s a lesbian three-play, a cannibalism hallucination scene, some bloody murder and ridiculous English-dubbed dialogue (in the uncut version). Not worth tracking down, it’s neither sexy, wild, well made or particularly weird. With Massimo Vanni and Luciano Rossi. Massaccesi also photographed. Erwin C. Dietrich cut out many scenes and replaced them with hardcore inserts featuring Brigitte Lahaie for the German release.

THE EMBALMER (monster of venice; il mostro di venezia) (1965 ITL) D/W: DINO TAVELLA W: GIAN BATTISTA MUSSETTO/ANTONIO WALTER/PAOLO LOMBARDO P: GUIDO NART A killer in a skullfaced mask and robe dons scuba gear to prowl the waterways of Venice for beautiful young women. He embalms them and keeps them on display in his underground lair. A handsome journalist wastes a lot of running time showing smitten lady tourists around before eventually solving the case with the aid of a couple of drunken comic relief baggage-handlers. This b/w untypical giallo (it feels more like a West German krimis of the era) has a lot of atmosphere, a great twisting scene and a bizarre club act in which a creepy guitarist wearing eye-shadow emerges from a coffin. I quite enjoyed it.

EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE See: THE NOSFERATU DIARIES

EMMA MAE (black sister’s revenge) (1975 US) D/W/P: JAMAA FANAKA Jerri Hayes is a country girl from Mississippi who goes to live with relatives in LA after her mother dies. At first she’s ridiculed for being ugly and clueless, but gains respect because she knows how to fight. She falls in love with a pillpopping gangbanger loser who ends up in prison for beating up a cop and organises a volunteer car wash and even robs a bank to get him off on bail. I love this underrated gem from a unique, talented filmmaker who should be much more well known (and financed so he can make movies more often). Apparently Fanaka holds some kind of record for the amount of commercial full-length features made while still a student. This, SOUL VENGEANCE and the first PENITENTIARY entry were all backed by the American Film Institute while he was at UCLA. Later he made two more PENITENTIARY sequels and STREET WARS.

EMMANUELLE (1973 FRA) D: JUST JAECKIN W: JEAN-LOUIS RICHARD P: YVES ROUSSET-ROUARD It’s difficult to see exactly why this self-indulgent and barely explicit sex romp based on Emmanuelle Arson’s autobiographical book (previously the basis for IO, EMMANUELLE in 1969) was such a hit, but it was to the extent that they’re still making knockoffs now! Sylvia Kristel is the cautiously promiscuous Emmanuelle taken to a Bangkok full of bored horny ex-pats by her businessman husband. Nowadays most will react to it as a slightly above average erotic travelogue that’s an ok time-waster to put on in the background. With Alain Cuny as an elderly, worldlywise lecher who shows our heroine a few things, and Christine Boisson. Sequels followed of course.

EMMANUELLE 2 (emmanuelle: the joys of a woman; emmanuelle’s 7th heaven; emmanuelle l’antivierge) (1975 FRA) D/W: FRANCOIS GIACOBETTI D: FRANCES LEROI W: ROBERT ELIA/JEAN-MARC VASSEUR P: ALAIN SIRITZKY This is more-or-less the same as the original, but better. It helps that Laura Gemser (set to become BLACK EMANUELLE in her own rip-off series) appears as a masseuse. With Umberto Orsini, Catherine Rivet and Venantino Venantini. GOODBYE EMMANUELLE (and many more) followed.

EMMANUELLE IN SOHO (1981 UK) D: DAVID HUGHES/RAY SELFE (uncredited) W: BRIAN DALY/ WILLY ROE (uncredited) W/P: JOHN M. EAST A nudie photographer with a horrible permed mullet lives with his wife (Julie Lee, whose sexy Asiatic looks jar wonderfully with a thick Sheffield accent) and horny friend (Angie Quick aka “Mary Miller”). He’s also getting ripped off by a lecherous Soho porn baron, played by producer East (enjoying himself pawing naked young women and cracking ancient sex jokes), so he gets his own back during a swinger’s party. An extremely serious (surely a joke) intro and a confusing, narrated by Lee, coda must have been tacked on to bring the running time up to a whopping 72 mins. Mary Millington (who died in 79) was originally supposed to star in this Emmanuellein-name-only rip-off that’ll please connoisseurs of bottom-of-the-barrel Brit exploitation junk (I enjoyed it in a strange, desperate way), but no one else. With Vicki Scott, Linzi Drew and Maria Harper. Tigon (a name familiar to horror fans) released it (and it was a hit, believe it or not). Co-writer Roe made THE PLAYBIRDS (1978).

EMMANUELLE’S 7TH HEAVEN See: EMMANUELLE 2

EMMANUELLE: THE JOYS OF A WOMAN See: EMMANUELLE 2

EMMANUELLE 2001: EMMANUELLE’S SENSUAL PLEASURES (2000 US) D: “NICHOLAS MEDINA” (FRED OLEN RAY) W: HILLARY TOLSTOY/ JACKSON WILDE P: PETER DIAMOND This seems suspiciously like a few episodes of a tv series roped together. Holly Sampson stars as Emmanuelle (who has a mind control device) in a three-part erotic adventure. In the first she fixes the relationship between a stressed-out stockbroker (Jason Schnuit) and his neglected girlfriend (Brandy Miller). Then it’s off to “Monte Carlo” where photographer Daniel Anderson needs a little help making his photo shoots more sexy. The final part is a cruise and involves a crystal ball. I’m not sure who the audience for this kind of non-porno porno are, but for what it is I guess it’s ok. With Shauna O’Brien, D.J. West, Griffin Drew, Danny Pape, McKayla, Mia, Timothy Stempien, Gina Ryder and Carlos Mileno. Some of these people do work in proper porno too. A documentary on the Emmanuelle phenomena (by Alex Cox!) is A HARD LOOK (2000).

EMPEROR CALIGULA: THE UNTOLD STORY See: CALIGULA 2: THE UNTOLD STORY

THE EMPEROR JONES (1933 US) D: DUDLEY MURPHY W: DUBOSE HEYWARD P: JOHN KRIMSKY/GIFFORD COCHRAN Early black cinema (and stage) star Paul Robeson (who was later blacklisted in the 50s) had already starred in Oscar Michaeux’s 1925 BODY AND SOUL (as a crooked minister), and 1930’s BORDERLINE, before giving a grand, memorable performance in this remarkable black-cast gem that’s been sadly overlooked. He’s an ambitious train porter called Brutus Jones, who ends up breaking rocks (and singing) after accidentally killing another gambler during a heated game of craps. While being transported by sea, he jumps ship to escape, and finds himself on an island in Haiti (it was actually filmed in New York and Long Island). Dudley Digges (one of the few white cast members) hires him as a slave, but the larger-than-life Jones soon tricks the locals into thinking him invincible, and he’s soon sitting on a throne in a palace filled with mirrors. There are swamp ghosts in the great ending. With Fredi Washington, Jackie “Moms” Babley, Ruby Elzy, Rex Ingram and Harold Nicholas. Eugene O’Neill’s 1920 hit Broadway play was adapted for the screen for the BBC in 1938 and 1953, and there was another tv version in 1955 starring COTTON COMES TO HARLEM and GORDON’S WAR director Ossie Davis (who more recently co-starred in BUBBA HO-TEP).

EMPEROR OF KUNG FU See: THE KUNG FU EMPEROR

EMPIRE (2002 US) D/W: FRANC. REYES P: DANIEL BIGEL/MICHAEL MAILER Bronx heroin dealer big-shot John Leguizamo (also a co-producer) makes friends with a white highclass lawyer and compromises his loyalties in this dramatic gangster movie. There’s nothing wrong with it and it’s fairly engaging, but it does suffer from lack of originality. All the elements have been played out elsewhere earlier. With Denise Richards, Peter Sarsgaard, Vincent Laresca, Isabella Rossellini, Nestor Serrano and Sonia Braga. Ruben Blades did some of the music.

EMPIRE OF THE ANTS (1977 US) D/W/P: BERT I. GORDON W: JACK TURLEY P: SAM Z. ARKOFF Joan Collins tries to sell dodgy real-estate on a remote island to a bunch of characters along for a free ride. Radiation has resulted in giant ants who treat humans like cattle. The FX are somewhat less than convincing. One of Gordon’s worst that may be worth a few laughs, but don’t go out of your way. Takes its title from a H.G. Wells short story, which it has nothing in common with. With Albert Salmi, Robert Lansing, Tom Fadden, Irene Tedrow and the voice of Marvin Miller. It must have inspired the Ant Wars strip that ran briefly in 2000 A.D. comic in 1978.

EMPIRE OF THE NINJAS See: NINJA FANTASY

EMPIRE OF THE SENSES See: IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES

ENCOUNTER AT RAVEN’S GATE (incident at raven’s gate) (1987 AUST) D/W/P: ROLF DE HEER W/P: MARC ROSENBERG P: JAMES MICHAEL VERNON This interesting and different end-of-the-world sci-fi is set in the outback. There’s a drought, dead birds fall out of the sky, people go mad and in one scene people talk in speeded-up voices. The script never explains anything, but aliens might be to blame. It deserves more attention than it got. With Steven Vidler.

ENCOUNTERS OF THE SPOOKY KIND (close encounters of the spooky kind; gwai e kui gwai; gui da gui) (1980 HK) D/W: SAMMO HUNG W: HUANG YING P: RAYMOND CHOW Sammo Hung is “the bravest man in town”, and is tricked into staying the night at a spooky temple for a bet. But his employer is screwing his wife and has employed an evil wizard to bump him off and get him out of the way. Another good wizard helps Sammo fight back against the hopping vampires and rotting zombies that come his way. One of Hung’s finest, and just simply one of the most entertaining movies ever made. Plenty of chills, laughs, masterful martial arts stunts (choreographed by Hung and Yuen Biao), wirework, a chicken’s head cut off and a surprisingly violent final gag, it’s a must see for all ages. With Lam Ching Ying (later made famous in the MR. VAMPIRE series, also with hopping vampires), Chung Faat, Peter Chang Lung, Wu Ma, To Siu Ming, Huang Ha, Tai Bo, Yuen Miu, Ho Pak Kwong, Fung Ging Man and Billy Chan.

ENCOUNTERS OF THE SPOOKY KIND 2 See: SPOOKY ENCOUNTERS

ENCRYPT (2003 US) D: OSCAR LUIS COSTO W: RICHARD TAYLOR/ROBINSON YOUNG P: DEREK RAPPAPORT In some kind of desolate future where food, water and medicine is scarce, Art Hindle hires Grant Show to lead a military team into a securityprotected underground vault to retrieve valuable art treasures. Vivian Wu is a hologram that tries to save them from the lethal security defence system. An alltalk bore with crappy dialogue like “It’s a rook, I’m a king. I’ll checkmate its ass”. With Hannah Lochner and Matthew G. Taylor.

THE END See: VIRUS (1980)

ENDGAME (1983 ITL) D/W/P: “STEVE BENSON” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) W: “GEORGE EASTMAN” (LUIGI MONETFIORE) This begins with a peek at a pre-RUNNING MAN televised battle-to-the-death gladiator game in a post-nuke world. Champion “Al Cliver” (Pier Luigi Conti) is convinced by telepathic Laura Gemser to help a community of mutants (including a telekinetic little boy) escape from Colonel Gordon Mitchell and bikers in MAD MAX-style custom cars. “George Eastman” (Luigi Montefiore) co-stars, with Al Yamanouchi as a Ninja, Jack Davis from Harold Lloyd movies (!) as Prof. Levine, Gabrielle Tinti, Nello Pazzafini (or “Nat Williams”), Pietro Ceccarelli and the voice of Edmund Purdom. Michele Soavi (who also appears) was the assistant director. The same year as this crap, Gemser could be seen in EMANUELLE’S PERVERSE OUTBURST, a feature stitched together from footage from earlier D’Amato/Gemser titles.

ENDLESS DESCENT See: THE RIFT

END OF CENTURY See: NOSTRADAMUS (1999)

END OF DAYS (1999 US) D: PETER HYAMS W: ANDREW W. MARLOWE P: ARMYAN BERNSTEIN/ BILL BORDEN Nearing the end of the millennium Satan appears in New York City and possesses the body of Wall Street banker Gabriel Byrne. He has to have sex with Robin Tunney to bring about Armageddon. Arnold Schwarzenegger stars as a burntout, suicidal ex-cop (whose wife and daughter were killed) now working as a bodyguard who has to save her from Byrne and religious fanatics who try to kill her. Rod Steiger is a priest who explains the plot. Arnie says “stop all this church talk”. This ridiculous blockbuster action hit is entertaining, but the ending sucks. With Kevin Pollack, Udo Kier, C.C.H. Pounder, Miriam Margolyes, Mark Margolis, Jack Shearer, Marc Lawrence, Vic Varnado and Sven-Ole Thorsen. Stan Winston provided creature FX and at one point the future California Governor is crucified.

END OF THE WORLD (1962) See: PANIC IN YEAR ZERO

END OF THE WORLD (1977 US) D: JOHN HAYES W: FRANK RAY PERELLI P: CHARLES BAND A scientist and his wife (Sue Lyon from LOLITA) travel to a remote convent after discovering messages from space. Christopher Lee and some nuns turn out to be aliens in disguise, intent on destroying the Earth! Unbelievably boring sci-fi betrays the promising plot synopsis. With Dean Jagger, Lew Ayres, Macdonald Carey and Hayes. Perelli wrote ZOLTAN and LASERBLAST next. [Illus.]

THE ENEMA BANDIT (waterpower; the enema killer) (1976 US) D/W/P: “HELMUTH RICHLER” “ARTHUR DIETRICH” “GERARD DAMIANO” (SHAUN COSTELLO) DEEP THROAT and vintage porn fans may get a shock from this one (Costello used Damiano’s name for a reissue, but the porno chic pioneer had nowt to do with it). Jamie Gillis is a lonely voyeur who’s desperately looking for a new kick. At a brothel, he watches a client administer an enema to a sexy young girl (“the fetish of the year”) and the sweaty, excited Gillis immediately purchases his own home enema kit to “clean out those little bitches”. This and other diary entries (and the vérité-style photography) make it seem like a porno TAXI DRIVER (released the same year). He first flushes out the neighbour he’s been spying on, but my favourite are the teen lesbians he makes squirt shitty juice over each other while handcuffed in the shower. Brilliant, and there’s a Frank Zappa song based on the real-life incident that inspired the movie (Michael H. Kenyon, the Illinois Enema Bandit from 1966–1975). With C.J. Laing. Costello also made that other 70s sicko, FORCED ENTRY.

ENEMY ACTION 2 See: QUEEN’S MESSENGER

ENEMY FROM SPACE See: QUATERMASS II (1957)

ENEMY GOLD (1993 US) D/W: CHRISTIAN DREW SIDARIS W/P: WESS RAHN P: BRIAN BENNOS Bruce Penhall, cute Suzi Simpson and some other guy are typical Sidaris federal agents being investigated by Internal Affairs after they bust a drug ring who hide their cocaine inside watermelons. They go on a dirt bike/camping trip and discover Quantrill’s gold, hidden since the Civil War. Other villains (including Julie Strain) are after it too. With Tai Collins and Kym Malin. The director is the son of Andy Sidaris (an executive producer along with wife Arlene). He hasn’t quite got his old man’s touch so this has long dull stretches between some amusingly dumb tits’n’explosions moments.

ENEMY OF AMERICA See: ENEMY OF THE STATE

ENEMY OF MY ENEMY (diplomatic siege; dead limit) (1999 US) D: GUSTAVO GRAEF-MARINO W: ROBERT BORIS/MARK AMIN/KEVIN BERNHARDT/ SAM BERNARD P: PETER ABRAMS/NATAN ZAHAVI Terrorists take hostages in a Romanian US embassy. Peter Weller and Daryl Hannah are trying to locate and shut down an atomic bomb under it while military officer Tom Berenger deals with the terrorists. Brion James is a Colonel. Not bad DIE HARD-in an-embassy has no real surprises, the odd twist and is fairly watchable. With Uwe Ochsenkneecht, Francis X. McCarthy and Steve Eastin.

ENEMY OF THE STATE (enemy of america) (1998 US) D: TONY SCOTT W: DAVID MARCONI P: JERRY BRUCKHEIMER Will Smith is a young hotshot lawyer who is slipped a disc containing the murder of a government official (Jason Robards). Jon Voight is the corrupt politician behind the murder, who wants a bill passed that will allow surveillance intelligence the power to track anyone, everywhere, anytime. Smith is the victim of a smear campaign, and is tracked and hunted through a network of hidden surveillance cameras and transmitters. Gene Hackman co-stars as an ex-surveillance expert (remember THE CONVERSATION) who helps him fight back and expose the conspiracy. He explains how “the government has been in bed with the telecommunications companies since the 40s”. This is actually a good, pretty paranoid conspiracy thriller with slick, flashy direction from Scott. With Regina King, Jason Lee, Jake Busey, Gabriel Byrne, Lisa Bonet, Ian Hart, James Le Gros, Philip Baker Hall, Stuart Wilson, Scott Caan, Jack Black, Bodhi Elfman, Jamie Kennedy, Rebecca Silva, Barry Pepper, John Capodice, Arthur J. Nascarella, Frank Medrano, Greg Collins, Larry King, Seth Green, Phil Hawn, Tom Sizemore and the old standby of comic relief Oriental tourists.

ENEMY TERRITORY (1987 US) D: PETER MANOOGIAN W: STUART KAMINSKY/BOBBY LIDDELL P: CYNTHIA DE PAUL/TIM KINCAID A white insurance salesman (Gary Frank) has to enter gang-ridden Lincoln Towers estate at night on business. Tony Todd leads the black Vampires gang who want to kill him and the telephone repairman who helps him. It’s hinted that the gang are actually supernatural bloodsuckers but this plays like a straightforward (and pretty entertaining) black action movie. It’s like a lighter version of TENEMENT in some places. Todd is good and Jan-Michael Vincent is a racist ’nam vet survivalist in a wheelchair. With Stacy Dash. Charles Band was executive producer of this Empire release.

THE ENFORCER (murder, inc.) (1951 US) D: BRETAIGNE WINDUST/RAOUL WALSH (uncredited) W: MARTIN RACKIN P: MILTON SPERLING Routine but entertaining b/w noir-lite has Humphrey Bogart attempting to bust Everrett Sloane’s hired killer racket. With Zero Mostel, Ted De Corsia, Roy Roberts, King Donovan, Bob Steele, Don Beddoe, Tito Vuolo, John Kellogg, Jack Lambert, Richard Bastell, Tom Dillon, Ralph Dunn, Greta Granstedt, Creighton Hale, Chuck Hamilton, Patricia Hayes, Mike Lally, Perc Launders, John Maxwell, George Meader, Howard M. Mitchell, Mario Siletti, Brick Sullivan, Harry Wilson and Bud Wolfe.

THE ENFORCER (1976 US) D: JAMES FARGO W: DEAN REISER/STERLING SILLIPHANT/GAIL MORGAN HICKMAN/J.W. SCHURR P: ROBERT DALEY Clint Eastwood is reluctantly teamed with female cop Tyle Dale in San Francisco in the third DIRTY HARRY movie (from the director of EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE). The plot revolves around ’nam vet terrorists. With Harry Guardino, Bradford Dillman, John Mitchum, John Crawford, Robert F. Hoy, Michael Cavanaugh, Dick Durock, Chuck Hicks and Joe Spano. It’s chronologically and quality-wise midway between MAGNUM FORCE and SUDDEN IMPACT.

THE ENFORCER (1976) See: DEATH COLLECTOR

THE ENFORCER (1995) See: MY FATHER IS A HERO

ENFORCER FROM DEATH ROW (ninja nightmare; ninja assassins; the ninja enforcer) (1978 PHILIPPINES) D: EFREN C. PINON W: LEO FONG P: MICHAEL BADWAY/MICHAEL SULLIVAN WOP (The World Organisation of Peace) arrange for death row convict Leo Fong to cheat his death penalty (poisoned gas) and go to the Philippines to save the world from villains with a deadly virus. Cameron Mitchell has a small role and there’s rat torture and eyeballs ripped out of someone’s sockets. Like Pinon’s BLIND RAGE (also with Fong), it’s not a good film, but enjoyable if you have the right temperament.

ENIGMA (1986) See: AENIGMA

THE ENIGMA OF KASPAR HAUSER (every man for himself and god against all; the mystery of kaspar hauser; jeder fur sich und gott gegan alle) (1974 W.GER) D/W/P: WERNER HERZOG W: JAKOB WASSERMANN (uncredited) Brilliant look at the true story of a man who was raised in a cellar, never learning to speak or walk and with no other human being in sight. He’s discovered by a man who teaches him the basics and is then abandoned at a small town that tries to help him. Bruno S. is the enigmatic Hauser, a kind of litmus paper for those around him. The concept has been tried many times since, but never quite as effectively. With Brigitte Mira, Walter Ladengast and Alfred Edel.

ENTER THE DEVIL See: THE EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW

ENTER THE DRAGON (operation dragon: the deadly three; long zheng hu dou) (1973 US HK) D: ROBERT CLOUSE W: MICHAEL ALLIN P: FRED WEINTRAUB/ PAUL HELLER/RAYMOND SCHOW In the most famous (and most copied) kung fu hit, Bruce Lee has his last completed role as himself. Shek Kin is a master criminal who holds a martial arts tournament on his private island every decade. Lee is an undercover agent posing as a participant who wants to find out more about Kin’s drug trafficking, He also wants revenge for the death of his sister (Angela Mao in a flashback) caused by Kin’s right-hand man Bob Wall. Jim Kelly (who dies too soon) and John Saxon are the two co-stars who get to fight as well. This James Bond-style adventure has great fighting (choreographed by Lee), an infectious soundtrack (courtesy of Lalo Schifrin) and is all-round great fun. Spot Jackie Chan, Samo Hung, Yuen Biao, Lam Ching Ying, Roy Chiao, Chuck Norris and Yuen Wah. And you can’t miss Bolo Yeung, who based his whole career on his turn here. Also with Marlene Clark, and that’s Keye Luke’s voice Sek Kin is using by the way. Lee would return in the strange posthumous GAME OF DEATH and Jim Kelly was in BLACK BELT JONES. Both were directed by Clouse. Allin wrote TRUCK TURNER next!

ENTER THE EAGLES (and now you’re dead; gwan geun shut daam: hun juan shi dan) (1998 HK) D: COREY YUEN KWAI P: DAVID CHAN/SEK HONG One of the very worst from director Kwai is a vehicle for Bruce Lee’s daughter Shannon Lee. She and Michael Wong lead a team of crooks planning to steal a big diamond in the Czech Republic. Anita Yuen and Jordan Chan are a couple of pickpockets who beat them to it. Benny (formerly “the jet”) Urquidez is a villainous fence called Karloff who wants the stone. There’s lots of action, but none of it very exciting or original. And the inbetween stuff is insipid.

ENTER THE FAT DRAGON (fei lung guo jiang; fei lung gwoh gong) (1978 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG W: I. KUANG P: LEUNG WING Sammo Hung is a country boy working on a pig farm who’s sent to the city to help uncle Fung Fung run a food stall. Sammo’s idol is Bruce Lee, and he imitates his hero’s moves and gestures while fighting a variety of crooks and lowlifes. There’s a scene on a Bruce Lee rip-off movie set! Interesting and entertaining homage to Lee is not among Sammo’s best, but essential viewing for genre fans or anyone interested in the Lee legacy. With Leung Kar Yan, Lee Hoi Sang (in blackface and Afro as Jim Kelly!), Peter Yang Kwan, Meg Lam Kin-Ming, Roy Chiao, Fung Hak On, Mang Hoi, Eric Tsang, Huang Ha and Yuen Biao. Music by Frankie Chan. FAT DRAGON STRIKES BACK followed.

ENTER THE NINJA (1981 US) D/W/P: MENAHEM GOLAN W: DICK DESMOND/MIKE STONE P: YORAM GLOBUS Franco Nero is a ninja (I’m not joking) who helps a friend save his plantation in the Philippines from other evil ninjas working for Christopher George. This silly Cannon feature also co-stars Sho Kosugi, who would return in sequels (beginning with REVENGE OF THE NINJA). With Susan George, Ken Metcalfe and Michael Dudikoff.

ENTER THE VOID (2009 FRA GER ITL) D/W: GASPAR NOÉ W: LUCILE HADZIHALILOVIC P: PIERRE BUFFIN/BRAHIM CHIOUA/OLIVIER DELBOSE/VINCENT MARAVAL/MARC MISSONIER Noé’s first English-language film is a pretty ambitious and trippy visual tour-de-force inspired by the final sequence of 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. Seen from the POV of a young American drug-dealer in Tokyo (Nathaniel Brown, only actually seen briefly in a mirror reflection) who’s gunned down by the police in a public toilet. Then his soul seems to wander the city spying on his traumatised stripper sister (Paz de la Huerta who I think had real intercourse onscreen during a sex scene, but it’s difficult to tell. I know it was originally planned that way as I recall friends auditioning for the part in 2008), and other characters (the extended love hotel sequence is memorable). Art supervisor Marc Caro, prodcution designer Jean-Andre Carrine and Kikuro Oota and Benoit Debie deserve credit for contributing to an amazing looking cityscape of the mind, where it’s difficult to tell what is real, and what is postproduction CGI. A difficult, lengthy and slow film for those with less adventurous tastes, but I think a real treat for those inclined to sit back, chill out and absorb it. The running time is a little difficult to gauge, as it was originally meant to run at 25 fps, but many theatres played it at the standard 24, and there was an optional reel (!) which got dropped in the dvd transfer in some territories. I originally saw a shorter Japanese print (running about 150 mins with the correct frame speed, I think), and later saw the missing footage (about 15–20 mins) which has interesting scenes, but on the whole works better without. The screenwriter also directed INNOCENCE (2004).

ENTER THREE DRAGONS See: DRAGON ON FIRE

THE ENTITY (1981 US) D: SIDNEY J. FURIE W: FRANK DE FELITTA P: HAROLD SCHNEIDER Barbara Hershey is raped and terrorised by an invisible supernatural force in this unusual horror movie based on Felitta’s own novel that documented a reallife case. Stan Winston created the Hershey-molesting FX. With Ron Silver as a disbelieving psychiatrist, Alex Rocco and Allan Rich. Not that great, but like I said, unusual.

ENTRAILS OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN (bijou no harawata; guts of a beauty; guts of a virgin) (1985 JPN) D/W: “GAIRA” (KAZUO KOMIZU) P: MATSUO SATO/HIROSHI HANIZAWA Perverted yakuza kidnap two sisters and ship one to Africa. The other they rape and inject with a highly addictive new drug called Angel Rain that makes her real horny. The girl manages to escape and makes her way to a local clinic. A female psychologist there tries to help her but she leaps to her death from the roof (for some reason we get a shot of a watermelon smashing on the ground). The psychologist tries for revenge by seducing one of the yakuza and then hypnotising him to kill the others. However, it doesn’t work and the gang soon trick the psychologist and take her to their warehouse lair where she is anally raped and given a fatal overdose of Angel Rain. Her body is buried along with the hacked-up remains of the guy she hypnotised. The two bodies mutate into one and rise from the grave as a hermaphrodite monster with a giant penis (with teeth) that rips through a girl’s stomach! The fat vagina is used to suffocate people with! This seriously warped low-budget 16mm erotic horror is from a former Koji Wakamatsu collaborator whose pseudonym comes from the monster clone in WAR OF THE GARGANTUANS. It’s pretty entertaining, well made, the sex is pretty explicit (and abundant) and it’s just over an hour long. With Keiko Asano, Naomi Hagio and future director Kazuhiro Sano. Komizu made the bigger-budgeted follow up ENTRAILS OF A VIRGIN (which was released before this it seems) and then rounded-out his “splatter eros” trilogy with FEMALE INQUISITOR for Nikkatsu. His later endeavours, like LIVING DEAD IN TOKYO BAY and XX: BEAUTIFUL WEAPON, are less outrageous and less interesting.

ENTRAILS OF A VIRGIN (guts of a virgin 2; entrails of a whore; shojo no harawata) (1986 JPN) D/W: “GAIRA” KAZUO KOMIZU P: MATSUO SATO/HIROSHI HANZAWA This one should stun you. A bunch of models and their misogynistic photographers wile away the hours fucking (with or without consent) and playing abusive sex games in an old house when a heavy fog prevents them from driving anywhere. This is very sexy and diverting on its own, but then a swamp creature with an enormous dick arrives on the scene, kills the males and rapes the women with his painful manhood. Entrails are ripped out from between a woman’s legs (very convincing FX) and a girl masturbates with a severed arm. It defies description, but is highly recommended.

ENTRAILS OF A WHORE See: ENTRAILS OF A VIRGIN

ENTRANCE See: SOUL SURVIVORS

ENTRAPMENT (verlockende falle) (1999 US UK GER) D: JON AMIEL W: RON BASS/WILLIAM BROYLES W/P: MICHAEL HERTZBERG P: SEAN CONNERY/ RHONDA TOLLEFSON Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones are art thieves planning to rob a hi-tech computerised bank vault during the millennium countdown in this dull, unimaginative crime caper. With Ving Rhames, Will Patton, Maury Chaykin, Kevin McNally and Sai-Kit Yung.

EOLOMEA (1972 E.GER) D: HERMANN ZSCHOCHE W: ANGEL VAGENSHTAIN P: DOROTHEA HILDEBRANDT Space-station Margot reports that several spaceships have gone missing on manoeuvres. The beautiful Prof. Maria Scholl (Cox Hebberna) suspends further rocket launches against the will of Rolf Hoppe, who seems to know a lot more than he’s letting on. Meanwhile, Ivan Andonov and Vsevolod Sanayaev are a couple of bored cosmonauts who get drunk in space, and visit diseased Peter Slabakov, who’s busy exploring the surface of the title planet. Flashbacks show how a romance blossomed between Habberna and Andonov, and a clunky robot holds the secret to what’s all going on. It’s not boring, and the music (by Gunther Fischer), cinematography (Gunter Jaeuthe) and FX (Kurt Marks and Boris Travkin) are all great, but when this DEFA studio sci-fi wraps up, you don’t really feel that you’ve witnessed much of anything, the story being utterly forgettable. With Holger Mahlich and Wolfgang Greese.

EPICENTER (2000 US) D: RICHARD PEPIN W: GREG McBRIDE P: ANDREI BONCEA/MICHAEL DERBAS/ ION IONESCU If you’re interested in how bad and how desperate films can get, maybe you should check out this one from PM Entertainment. Traci Lords is an undercover Fed trying to stop technology falling into the wrong hands that can track stealth fighters. Gary Daniels is the bitter, vengeance-seeking office worker with that information. But what makes this cable-filler notable is the footage stolen from other films. Impressive set pieces from MONEY TRAIN, METRO, SPEED and VOLCANO (and maybe some I missed) are recycled here! This footage is intercut with new footage (filmed in Romania and Canada) particularly badly! Doris Wishman could have done a better job! With Jeff Fahey as a corrupt FBI agent, Andrew Francis, Katie Stuart, Mark Gibbon, Mark Holden, Hiro Kangawa and Colin Lawrence.

THE EPIC HERO AND THE BEAST See: SWORD AND THE DRAGON

EPOCH (odyssey 2001) (2000 US) D: MATT CODD W/P: PHILLIP J. ROTH W: JONATHAN RAYMOND P: JEFF BEACH/KEN OLANDT A meteor crash-lands on Earth in four billion years BC. In modern-day Bhutan, Central Asia, a mile-long column of rock emerges out of the Earth and just hangs there (getting wider at the top). Lots of theories (alien intelligence, God?) are thrown around, the column seems to have healing powers, and even threatens to start a new ice age. But the screenwriters forgot to actually have any direction for this admittedly intriguing concept, and it all makes less and less sense as it progresses. David Keith and Stephanie Niznik star, with Brion Thompson, Michael Cavanaugh, Craig Wasson, James Hong, Shannon Lee, Marc McClure, James Avery and Ryan O’Neal. Most of this intriguing cast is wasted. EPOCH: EVOLUTION followed.

EQUALS AGAINST DEVILS (the desperate prodigal; huo ping lang zi) (1985 TAI HK) D/W: ROC TIEN Here’s an odd one. It’s a goofy billiard comedy drama starring familiar kung fu movie performer Tien (the last of five he directed). He’s a small-time pool hustler with a small entourage. Chan Sing (wearing large shades) hires him to play for his rich boss for big money. Someone has a bionic arm (!), there are Bud Spencer and Charles Bronson posters on the wall, and a climactic pool contest that defies the laws of physics. This IFD release (from Joseph Lai) suddenly turns serious at the end, with a slo-mo shoot-out revenge scene. With Wong Goon Hung, Kam Kong, Dai Sai An, O Chun Hung, Chen Hung Kieh, and the Gonna Fly theme from ROCKY (1976) during the opening credits.

EQUILIBRIUM (2002 US) D/W: KURT WIMMER P: JAN DE BONT Unofficial retread of FAHRENHEIT 451 starring Christian Bale as the top “Grammaton Cleric” in a postwar future where citizens are sedated with a drug to kill all emotions and all art, literature and music is incinerated by the clerics (who use advanced martial arts techniques). “Sense offenders” are killed instantly. Derivative in the extreme with nothing to add except some stylish violence. With Sean Pertwee, Angus MacFadyen, Emily Watson, William Fichtner, Taye Diggs, Sean Bean, Dominic Purcell, Christian Kahrmann, Dirk Martens, Florian Fitz, David Hemmings, Dennenesch Zoudé and Wimmer.

EQUINOX (the beast) (1967/70 US) D/W: MARK THOMAS McGEE/JACK WOODS/DENNIS MUREN P: JACK H. HARRIS THE EQUINOX: A JOURNEY INTO THE SUPERNATURAL was a 1967 production with direction and screenwriting credits for Muren. This commercially released version from 1970 apparently features different stop-motion footage and an added subplot involving Woods as a park ranger and the Devil himself. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but the monster FX from Muren, Jim Danforth and David Allen are great. Students search for their professor (writer Fritz Leiber) while on a picnic (they bring KFC) in the woods. They find a castle, a cackling old man in a cave, a book of incantations and a dimension portal where the cool monsters come from. It’s all told in flashback by a mental patient. Danforth and R.J. Robertson have parts, and Muren was the associate producer. Forrest J. Ackerman provides his voice. Long thought to have been a heavy influence on THE EVIL DEAD, apparently Sam Raimi and Co. never saw this prior to making their movie, and the (superfluous) similarities were purely coincidental.

ERASER (1996 US) D: CHARLES (“CHUCK”) RUSSELL W: TONY PURYEAR/WALON GREEN/MICHAEL S. CHERNUCHIN P: ARNOLD and ANNE KOPELSON Arnold Schwarzenegger is a US Marshall working for the witness protection programme. He has to protect Vanessa Williams who has information about a devastating new weapon being sold illegally to foreign powers. James Caan is pretty obviously the villain as soon as he appears on the screen. With James Coburn, Robert Pastorelli, Melora Walters (BOOGIE NIGHTS), James Cromwell, Danny Nucci, Andy Romano, Tony Longo, Gerry Becker, Patrick Kilpatrick, Sven-Ole Thorsen, an Arnie vs plane scene, some pretty generic violence and a nailbomb. When Arnie shoots a crocodile, he says, “You’re luggage”, and his final wisecrack is particularly bad. Russell made A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3, THE BLOB remake, and the hit THE MASK (with Jim Carrey).

ERASERHEAD (1976 US) D/W/P: DAVID LYNCH There has never been a film like ERASERHEAD, and, despite some filmmakers’ attempts to emulate its atmosphere, there will never be another film like it. It took five years to make (on an impossibly low budget), was a constantly cancelled and hindered production (filmed in Philadelphia) and is the nearest anyone has come to recreating a dream on film. The actual plot is simplicity itself. John (Jack) Nance stars as Henry Spencer, a sexually immature man with vertical hair who lives in sprawling urban decay. His girlfriend gives birth to a premature foetus-like baby swathed in bandages. It drives Henry to stabbing it with it’s relentless shrieking. The title refers to an amazing dream sequence that was the first thing Lynch thought about; the rest grew from there. Both Frederick Elmes and Herbert Cardwell are to be credited for the superb b/w photography. The perfect soundtrack has also been very influential on a wide range of musicians over the years. Much has been written about the “meaning” of ERASERHEAD, but it’s all wasted ink. It should merely be experienced and nothing more. And what an experience. The Thanksgiving dinner scene and the lady in the radiator shall never lose their magic. With Lynch’s little daughter and future BOXING HELENA director Jennifer. Lynch made the very different THE ELEPHANT MAN next.

ERGO PROXY (2006 ANIMATED JPN) D: SHUKO MURASE/TATSUYA IGARASHI/HIROKI KUSUMOTO/ AKIRA YOSHIMURA/SATOSHI TOBA/ KEI TSUNEMATSU/DAIKI NISHIMURA/KOTOMI DEAI/MASAKI KITAMURA/MITSUHIRO YONEDA/ NAOKI KUSUNOKI/SAYO YAMAMOTO W: YUSUKE ASAYAMA/DAI SATO/JUNICHI MATSUMOTO/ NARUKI NAKAGAWA/SEIKO TAKAGI/ YUUKO KAWABE P: TAKASHI KOCHIYAMA/ AKIO MATSUDA/MICHIKO SUZUKI A 23-episode (each about 25 mins) philosophical sci-fi series that debuted on cable channel WOWOW. It begins in GHOST IN THE SHELL territory, with a female government agent of some kind investigating a spate of rogue technocrimes, an entity known as Proxy seeming to be the cause. This leads her to a runaway refugee called Vincent Law, and the subsequent odyssey of outer and innerspace leads them to the wastelands beyond the futuristic city of Romdeau. That is not a very good plot synopsis at all! ERGO PROXY begins promisingly (if sluggish from the start), with nice use of limited low-budget tv animation used to its advantage. There is intelligence at work behind the story, and a stubborn refusal to simplify things, each episode being a fragmented puzzle for viewers to rearrange and think about. However, this does allow a lot of pretension to creep in, and it’s rarely “enjoyable”. Add to this the fact that the final denouement is hardly earth-shattering, or original, you might not want to bother starting. But vaguely recommended to anime fanatics with a lot of time on their hands. Radiohead’s Paranoid Android is the end credit theme (some awful thing I always skipped is the opening one). Centzon Hitchers and Undertaker is the title of a spin-off serialised manga which followed.

THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF FRANKENSTEIN See: THE EROTIC RITES OF FRANKENSTEIN

EROTIC CHINA DOLLS (dances with snakes; tiu sau hung miu; tao she hong wu) (1986 HK) D: RICHARD LEE KEUNG HING P: WONG TAK LUNG Despite a naked oil-wrestling scene and a massive spitting dick, this bawdy tale of three magic sisters trying to “suck men’s air” is very dull. With Dick Wei and Charlie Cho Cha Lee. The English subtitled version must have been typed by a drunk.

EROTIC DR. JEKYLL (the amazing dr. jekyll) (1975 US) D: TIM McCOY Harry Reems is Dr. Jekyll’s grandson in a fake beard and with a stoop. He discovers a secret lab where a lurking Igor gives him a potion that turns him into Rory Hump, a guy with a southern accent and an insatiable appetite for sex that can just keep on going. He first discovers how much he likes sex with a black woman (“hot dog”). He decides to become a rock singer with a guitar in some terrible scenes that’ll be a must for Reems fans. He becomes a huge success, goes on the Dick Rabid show and fucks a fan live on air. Then Igor assists him during a televised “cunt test” to find “the tightest pussy in the world”. A couple of foreigners then expect him to fuck 100 virgin girls in 24 hours as part of some ceremony, or they’ll cut off his balls. It ends with the unsatisfied Hump taking the potion again so he can return to his loving wife as Dr. Jekyll. With Bobby Astyr, Zebedy Colt, Terri Hall, C.J. Laing and Bree Anthony. The same year McCoy made the DEATH WISH retread SEX WISH and SHERLICK HOLMES, both starring Reems and with much of the same cast.

EROTIC ENCOUNTERS OF THE FOURTH KIND See: WAM BAM THANK YOU SPACEMAN

THE EROTICIST (senator likes women; all’ onorevole picacciono le donne inostante leapparanze…e pucche la hazzione son lo sappia; obsede malgrelui) (1972 ITL FRA) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: “ALESSANDRO” (ONTWENZA/OTTAVIO) JEMMA P: EDMONDO AMATI This ridiculous but imaginative comedy has a senator (Lando Buzzanca) unable to control his urge to pinch women’s buttocks. There’s an excellent dream sequence in this curious item that has similarities to the still-in-production THE EXORCIST. With Lionel Stander and Francis Blanche. Fulci made the classic DON’T TORTURE A DUCKLING the same year.

EROTIC JOURNEY (1993 THAI) D: LAU KWOK HUNG P: NG KAR KOY/CHANG CHI LUNG Three female tourists get involved with drug traffickers and end up in a jungle prison camp in Thailand. They experience the usual indignities (whipping, rape etc.), but my favourite part was when a girl bit a snake’s head off. With Wong Yuet Ling, Dick Wei and Melvin Wong (Hong Kong talent, just like the D/P team). It’s a bit long for its type (almost two hours), but rarely boring. There are a lot of sex scenes. It looks like it was made a decade earlier and shares some ideas with the earlier Italian ESCAPE FROM HELL.

EROTIC LIAISONS (les liaisons erotique; erotic na kankei) (1992 JPN) D: KOJI WAKAMTASU W/P: YUYA UCHIDA W: YASUHARU HASEBE P: YU OKADA A private detective (rock singer and writer/producer Uchida) and his lover (Rie Miyazawa) run a tourist guide/translation service for visiting Japanese in Paris to make ends meet. A crooked business tycoon (“Beat” Takeshi Kitano) hires Uchida to follow his girlfriend who he believes is cheating on him. Turns out she’s fucking lots of other men, and Uchida soon joins the ranks and even becomes a killer. Despite the title there isn’t really that much sex in this comedic thriller with a predictable twist and a sudden all-action gunfight climax. The best thing about it is the ironic intro that was added after the Cannes film festival refused to screen it (“vive le France!”). Otherwise it’s a waste of time. With Ryudo Uzaki, Yosuke Saitou, Joe Yamanaka and Kei Sato. Co-writer Hasebe is known for his Nikkatsu films of the 60s and 70s (like ALLEYCAT ROCK) and had filmed the same story in 1978. Both films are based on Chodulos de Laclos’ Dangerous Liaisons. Wakamatsu made more interesting, controversial movies in the 60s and 70s. Kazuyoshi Okuyama (RAMPO) is credited as general producer.

THE EROTIC RITES OF FRANKENSTEIN (the erotic adventures of frankenstein; la maldicion de frankenstein; les experiences erotiques de frankenstein) (1972 SPN FRA) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO P: VICTOR DE COSTA Dr. Frankenstein (Denis Price) is killed and his monster taken to a castle for Caligostro (wideeyed Howard Vernon) who never dies due to soul transmutation. Anne Lipert is Vernon’s psychic birdwoman assistant. Frankenstein’s daughter tries to continue her father’s work but is also captured and made to take part in a “game” involving whipping and spikes. The monster changes colour and Vernon’s goatee changes dimensions from scene-toscene. Like many Franco films, it features jazz on the soundtrack and very weird camera movements. It’s also extremely difficult to sit through. With Luis Barboo, Alberto Dalbes and Lina Romay making her debut in a bit-part (in the Spanish version only). Filmed back to back with DRACULA, PRISONER OF FRANKENSTEIN.

EROTIC WITCHCRAFT (la goulve) (1972 FRA) D/W: MARIO MERCIER D: BEPI FONTANA The (rare and very worn) print of this that I saw was in French-language and lacked any subtitles. From what I gather from some other sources the story is about a young boy (and later a young man) who’s orphaned and subsequently raised by a sorcerer who teaches him the secret of “la goulve”, something to do with a snake goddess. A woman who could well be a snake goddess does turn up emitting laser zaps from her fingers now and again. Another woman with extreme tan lines is naked a lot, and has a great running-nude-through-the-woods scene. I wish I had a clue what was going on because this surreal, sexy, imaginative and atmospheric oddity is loaded with bizarre camerawork, trippy visuals and primitive yet effective FX. Well worth checking out as it seems no one is in a rush to restore and subtitle this one. Mercier was a notorious, controversial author in his home country, and his only other film as director (1975’s A WOMAN OBSSESSED) sounds pretty cool, too.

THE EROTIC WITCH PROJECT (1999 US) D/W: “JOHN BACCHUS” (ZACHERY SNYGG) W/P: MICHAEL BECKERMAN W: CLANCY FITZSIMMONS/JOE NED Three women (Laurie Wallace, Darian Crane and Victoria Vega) go off into the woods of New Jersey to do a documentary on the “erotic witch” in this lesbian action-filled BLAIR WITCH spoof. They end up losing the map and their clothes. Ned turns up briefly as an escaped gorilla. Surprisingly funny in a slight way, and I didn’t get too bored during the lengthy groping scenes. Snygg has a small part.

EROTIC WITCH PROJECT 2: BOOK OF SEDUCTION (2001 US) D/W: “JOHN BACCHUS” (ZACHERY SNYGG) P: MICHAEL BECKERMAN Darian Crane from the original is now a crazed nympho at a New Jersey mental hospital. Katie Jordan is the doctor there who’s blackmailed by a female reporter and her never-seen wisecracking Eastern European horny male cameraman into interviewing her. There’s also a man-in-a-suit gorilla in a cage. I guess it’s on a par with the original for lengthy lesbian groping scenes and dumb-but-funny comedy. Snygg appears on screen as a local being interviewed. With A.J. Hkan and Allanah Rhodes. WITCHBABE followed.

ESCAPE (1972) See: THE WOMAN HUNT

ESCAPE (1979) See: ESCAPE FROM HELL

ESCAPE (1994) See: NIGHT OF THE RUNNING MAN

ESCAPE (2011) See: WRECKED

ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ (1979 US) D/P: DON SIEGEL W: RICHARD TUGGLE One-sided but exciting, audience-pleasing prison movie detailing the 1962 breakout from the Alcatraz island-prison. Clint Eastwood stars as the new inmate with a superior IQ. Patrick McGoohan is the ruthless warden, with Fred Ward, Roberts Blossom (DERANGED), Jack Thibeau, Danny Glover, Larry Hankin and Jim Hayne. Based on J. Campbell Bruce’s 1963 book, a fine, concise history of The Rock. Twenty-five years earlier, Siegel made RIOT IN CELL BLOCK 11.

ESCAPE FROM CELL BLOCK 3 See: WOMEN UNCHAINED

ESCAPE FROM HELL (escape; hell prison; hellfire on ice part 2; femmine infernali; orinoco: prison of sex; el infierno de las mujeres) (1979 ITL) D/W: “EDWARD G. MULLER” (EDUARDO MULARGIA) W: SERGIO CHIUSI/ROBERTO ESTEVEZ P: M. ALABISO/A. GONZALES This awful women-in-a-tropical-prison flick is sleazy enough, but not entertaining. Women brutalised by guards escape into the dangerous jungles. They wade through a swamp and leeches stick to their breasts in the only memorable part. With Ajita Wilson, Antonio De Teffe and Luciano Pigozzi. Filmed back to back with HOTEL PARADISE. Footage from both was later mixed with new footage of Linda Blair to make SAVAGE ISLAND (1985).

ESCAPE FROM LA (1996 US) D/W: JOHN CARPENTER W/P: DEBRA HILL/KURT RUSSELL This sequel to ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK is more silly and fun. Russell (still wearing the same clothes) must go into a futuristic LA where all “deviants” that don’t fit into Fascist president Cliff Robertson’s new puritanical America have been deported. A.J. Langer is Robertson’s daughter who’s stolen an important device that can shut down power all over the world. George Coroface is the revolutionary she’s given it to. With Steve Buscemi, a surfing Peter Fonda, Pam Grier (strange role), Bruce Campbell (you’ll recognise only the voice), Stacy Keach, Valeria Golino, Michelle Forbes, Paul Bartel, Robert Carradine, Peter Jason, Breckin Meyer and some unconvincing computer game-look FX.

ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK (new york 1997) (1981 US UK) D/W: JOHN CARPENTER W: NICK CASTLE P: DEBRA HILL/LARRY J. FRANCO The Manhattan island of the future is a maximum security penal colony where criminals have created their own society. President Donald Pleasence’s plane crashes there, so Lee Van Cleef blackmails legendary war hero and convicted bankrobber Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell in his signature role) to go in and rescue him. The dark, derelict NYC looks great and the concept is one that I wished worked as well as champions of this cult favourite seem to imply. However, there’s not enough action or excitement to keep it moving at a decent pace. With Ernest Borgnine, Isaac Hayes, Adrienne Barbeau, Harry Dean Stanton, Season Hubley, Tom Atkins, Bob Minor, John Diehl, Steven Ford (Gerald Ford’s son), George “Buck” Flower and the voices of Hill and Carpenter. ESCAPE FROM LA is the sequel/remake.

ESCAPE FROM PLANET EARTH See: DOOMSDAY MACHINE

ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX (bronx warriors 2; escape 2000; fuga dal bronx) (1983 ITL) D/W: ENZO G. CASTELLARI W: TITO CARPI/DARDANO SACCHETTI P: FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS In the near future a powerful company organises the evacuation and destruction of the Bronx to make way for a new improved NYC. An underground resistance that refuse to leave their home and live in sewers and subway tunnels have to battle “cleaners” in silver suits that use flame-throwers. Henry Silva is the sadistic ex-prison warden in charge of the clear-up/massacre. Mark Gregory stars as Trash. The location work is excellent and I really wanted to enjoy this ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK-inspired action movie, but it’s just not any good. With Antonio Sabato, Romano Puppo, Tom Felleghy and Castellari. It’s the follow up to 1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS. [Illus.]

ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES (1971 US) D: DON TAYLOR W: PAUL DEHN P: ARTHUR P. JACOBS The third APES movie is the best sequel. Ape-planet escapees Roddy McDowall, Kim Hunter and Sal Mineo (who doesn’t survive long in his last role) arrive in 70s LA, thanks to Charlton Heston’s repaired spacecraft. They are studied, feared, interrogated, become celebrities and then a threat (after Hunter becomes pregnant, expanding on an idea from Pierre Boulle’s original Monkey Planet novel). Intelligent, gripping and entertaining. With Bradford Dillman, Ricardo Montalban, Jason Evers, Albert Salmi, William Windom, John Randolph, Harry Lauter, John Alderman, Paul Bradley, Joe Gray, James Sikking and (briefly) M. Emmet Walsh. CONQUEST OF… followed.

ESCAPE FROM WOMEN’S HELL HOLE See: WOMEN OF HELL’S ISLAND

ESCAPE OF MECHAGODZILLA See: TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA

ESCAPES (1986 US) D/W/P: DAVID STEENSLAND P: ANGELA SANDERS Vincent Price has one of his worst roles as the mailman/host for this six-part Twilight Zone/DEAD OF NIGHT rip off. A Little Fishy has a fisherman on the other end of the line, and Coffee Break features John Mitchum (famous brother). Who’s There? comes from the same source material as the WATCHERS films and is just plain silly. Jonah’s Dream is also unbelievably boring and Think Twice is the worst. Price completists need only apply.

THE ESCAPIST (prison escape) (2007 UK IRE) D/W: RUPERT WYATT W: DANIELHARDY P: ALAN MOLONEY/ ADRIAN STURGES Non-linear, fragmented prison break movie (set in London, but mostly filmed at the real, old Kilmaihan Prison in Dublin) stars Brian Cox (an executive producer) as an ageing con who wants out to see his estranged junky daughter. Dominic Cooper, Seu Jorge, Liam Cunningham and Joseph Fiennes are going with him. Damian Lewis is the king on the inside, and best of all is Stephen Mackintosh as his psycho brother. Nothing special (reviews upon its release were positively over-the-top), but a pretty enjoyable prison thriller, although the attempted clever twist almost ruins it to my mind. Leonard Cohen is heard. Wyatt got to make the fun RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011) next.

THE ESCORT (the bodyguards; la scorta) (1993 ITL) D: RICKY TOGNAZZI W: GRAZIANO DIANA/SIMONA IZZO/STEFANO SUDRIE/GIOVANNI ROMOLI P: CLAUDIO BONIVENTO Claudio Amendola transfers from Rome to his Sicilian home town to replace his friend who died alongside a prosecutor he was protecting during an assassination. He tries to get to the bottom of the crime while working under chief bodyguard Enrilo Lo Verso in a bodyguard team escorting new Judge Angelo Infanti. Magistrate office corruption is uncovered and Infanti ends up ostracized, with only his bodyguards as allies. Well-made but slow and mostly dull political thriller with no action or surprises, and a lousy ending. With Tony Sperandeo, Lorenza Indovina, Leo Gullotta and a good Ennio Morricone score. The director is the son of Ugo Tognazzi.

ESPY (esp-spy) (1974 JPN) D: JUN FUKUDA W: EI OGAWA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA/HUMIO TANAKA This silly but enjoyable Fukuda thriller is based on a novel by sci-fi author Sakayo Komatsu. Ex-KAMEN RIDER Hiroshi Fujioka stars as a powerful psychic and telekinetic hired by top secret organisation ESPY to help defeat an evil ESP syndicate who are using their powers to kill important world leaders. Our heroes can also use their powers as a means of teleportation!!! The whole thing seems unfinished and scenes are laughable, but it’s an entertaining go-between THE POWER and SCANNERS. With Kaoru Yumi, Masao Kusakari, Tomisaburo Wakayama, Eiji Okada, Hatsuo Yamatani, Robert Dunham and an uncredited Yuzo Kayama. A cool film.

ESSENTIAL KILLING (olesre itelve) (2010 POL NOR IRE FRA) D/W/P: JERZY SKOLIMOWSKY W/P: EWA PIASKOWSKA An unnamed Muslim man (Vincent Gallo, who doesn’t speak throughout) is cornered in the Afghan desert by some American soldiers. Using a found weapon, he kills them, tries to escape but is captured (and develops tinnitus). After some waterboarding torture, he is transported to somewhere in Eastern Europe, and manages to escape during a road accident en route to… wherever. The rest of the movie has him trying to stay alive in the icy wastes (he eats ants, attacks a lactating woman) and sometimes killing when cornered. Eventually deafmute Emmanuelle Seigner shows him some mercy. A good (if not great) survival movie, that some viewers try to find some political message in. I don’t think there is one, it’s just nice to see a different POV for a change. The music is by Pawel Mykietyn. Shot in Poland, Norway and Israel.

THE ETERNAL See: TRANCE

ETERNAL CONFLICT See: THE ODD COUPLE

ETERNAL EVIL (the blue man) (1985 CAN) D: GEORGE MIHALKA W: ROBERT GEOFFRION P: PIETER KROONENBURG Winston Rekert stars as an unsatisfied tv commercial director (one ad has an old man acting like a baby in diapers!) interested in astral projection. People around him die from mysterious mutilations which he has visions of, and the victims claim that they saw him before death. Slowly paced and low-key, but turns out to be pretty good, with some effective scenes. Karen Black co-stars, with Lois Maxwell (Moneypenny in the Bond movies) and Vlasta Vrana. Keep an eye out for boom mics.

THE ETERNAL EVIL OF ASIA (naam yeung sap daai che sui; nan yang shi da xie shu) (1995 HK) D/W: CASH CHIN MAN KEI P: MA YIN LEUNG Chan Kwok-Bong and his friends accidentally piss off a taoist (Ben Ng) while on vacation in Thailand, killing his sister (this is related in flashback). Back in Hong Kong, the taoist puts spells on them for revenge. One of the friends turns cannibal in a restaurant. This Cat III sex and violence fantasy has its moments, but it should have been much more outrageous. Might be worth watching to see Elvis Tsui as a literal “dick head”. Ellen Chang Nga Lun stars as a hairdresser. With Lily Chung Suk Wai, Yuen King-Tan, Baat Leung Gam and Lo Meng. Ng and Suk Wai were in the Cat III classic RED TO KILL.

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND (2004 US) D/W: MICHAEL GONDRY W: CHARLIE KAUFMAN/PIERRE BISMUTH P: ANTHONY BREGMAN/ STEVE GOLIN Jim Carrey is a shy, neurotic wastrel who meets a more extroverted but equally prickly Kate Winslet one day and a romance blossoms. When she suddenly starts ignoring him for no apparent reason, he discovers that she paid an agency (run by doctor Tom Wilkinson) to erase all memories of him from her mind. Unable to forget her, he demands the same treatment. This very effective modern trip movie is loaded with nightmarish imagery and is surprisingly touching, coming as it does from the cripplingly self-concious pen of Kaufman. That said, a lot of its success comes from the handling of the material by Frenchman Gondry, known for his music videos. With Elijah Wood, Mark Ruffalo, David Cross, Kristen Dunst, Dierdre O’Connell and Ellen Pompeo.

E.T.N. THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL NASTIE See: NIGHT FRIGHT

ETOILE (1988 ITL) D/W: PETER DEL MONTE W: FRANCO FERRINI/SANDRO PETRAGLIA P: ACHILLE MANZOTTI Painfully slow and terminally boring supernatural mystery stars Jennifer Connelly as an American ballerina in Hungary for an audition to star in a production of Swan Lake. She seems to develop a split personality, hangs out in an old house and prepares for a nonexistent show at a closed theatre. This is observed by Gary McCleery, another American tourist smitten by her ethereal beauty. Charles Durning seems to be in a different movie, hamming it up as McCleery’s blustery, cigar-chomping antiquarian uncle busy buying old clocks at auction. With Laurent Terzieff. A rarity for 20 years since its release, it received some attention from genre historians post-BLACK SWAN, as some kind of precursor. But it’ll soon be forgotten again.

THE ETRUSCAN KILLS AGAIN See: THE DEAD ARE ALIVE

EUGENIE (de sade 2000; eugenie sex happening; eugenie de sade; eugenie de franval) (1970 ITL LICH) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO P: KARL HEINZ MANNCHEN There were two Franco features known as EUGENIE released in 1970. This is the one with Soledad Miranda (billed as Susan Korday). She’s the daughter of an intellectual author (actually her stepfather, played by Paul Muller) who gets sucked into his Sadean fantasies. Their first victim is a model (Alice Arno). She’s strangled with coal tongs. A series of female hitchhikers follows (but we only see one killed). Miranda (who gets to wear some great sexy outfits) narrates the story from her death bed to another author who knows what they’re up to (played by Franco). It’s based on the Marquis De Sade’s novel Eugénie de Franval. It’s a nice looking, subdued feature with a great Bruno Nicolai score. Above average for Franco, but that still only means it’s just ok. Producer Mannchen has a small part. With Manuel Merino.

EVANGELION See: NEON GENESIS EVANGELION

EVEN DWARFS STARTED SMALL (auch zwerge haben klein angefanger) (1969 W.GER) D/W/P: WERNER HERZOG Amazing, one-of-a-kind b/w docudrama style look at an all-dwarf cast revolting at a remote institution in the mountains. Impossible to really describe, do yourself a favour and check this one out. Scenes are disturbing while others are hilarious. Voyeuristic and exploitative, while also being tender and compassionate. A classic.

AN EVENING OF EDGAR ALLAN POE (1972 US) D/P: KENNETH JOHNSON All but the ardent Vincent Price fans beware, this AIP release is nothing more than a very intense Price reading out a bunch of Edgar Allan Poe tales on a series of different sets. That’s it.

AN EVENING WITH BATMAN AND ROBIN (1943) See: THE BATMAN

AN EVENING WITH BATMAN AND ROBIN (1949) See: BATMAN AND ROBIN (1949)

EVENT HORIZON (1997 US UK) D: PAUL ANDERSON W: PHILIP EISNER P: LAWRENCE GORDON/ LLOYD LEVIN/JEREMY BOLT Far-flung space, 2047: a rescue mission led by Laurence Fishburne attempts to find out what happened to the crew of an experimental spacecraft that’s reappeared after having vanished years before. Sam Neill is the scientist on the crew who seems to know what the strange force onboard that’s causing death and suicide is. Nonsensical but good-looking, it’ll pass the time but you’ll forget it soon after. With Kathleen Quinlan, Joely Richardson, Sean Pertwee, Jason Isaacs, Noah Huntley and Teresa May.

EVE OF DESTRUCTION (1991 US) D/W: DUNCAN GIBBINS W: YALE UDOFF P: DAVID MADDEN Renee Soutendjik (from Holland) is a scientist and her own android creation Eve 8. The robot (which has superstrength) goes AWOL after she’s shot on manoeuvres one day. She has her creator’s feelings and memory and a nuclear device inside her. Deciding to act out her creator’s fantasies she buys a new outfit and arms herself to deal with chauvinist men. Gregory Hines is the anti-terrorist agent called in to stop her. Pretty bad, with Kevin McCarthy (very briefly), Michael Greene, Nancy Locke, Kurt Fuller, Michael Greene, John M. Jackson, Greg Collins, Carl Ciarfalio, Dakin Matthews and Christopher Kriesa.

EVERLASTING CHIVALRY (1979 TAI) D: LU JAN YEONG W: JU SHIANG GAAN This begins in a torture chamber where a face in the wall has glowing eyes. A man is chained up and whipped while in the background men with pins in their heads act like zombie retards. Meng Fei stars as the hero searching for the mysterious Marble villa with the help of various comic relief sidekicks. One character has xylophone theme music every time he runs in fastmotion. This entertaining swordplay adventure is not from any major studio but features fights on decent sets (as opposed to in the middle of a field) and there’s some skilful wirework. There’s also a mannequin that shoots darts from its nipples, sexy sirens and very good fight choreography. With Doris Lung, Nancy Yen, Suen Yuet, Chiang Ming and Lee Keung.

EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF AND GOD AGAINST ALL See: THE ENIGMA OF KASPAR HAUSER

EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX (BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK) (1972 US) D/W: WOODY ALLEN P: CHARLES H. JOFFE/JACK ROLLINS (uncredited) Pretty funny Allen anthology comedy. Highlights are Gene Wilder having sex with a sheep, John Carradine vs a giant runaway breast and Allen himself as sperm no. 2 preparing to ejaculate. With Lynn Redgrave, Louise Lasser, Tony Randall, Burt Reynolds, Anthony Quayle, Jack Barry, Robert Q. Lewis, Sidney Miller, Regis Philbin, Titos Vandis, Stanley Adams, Ian Abercrombie and Almira Sessions. Based on David Reuben’s book.

EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE (1978 US) D: JAMES FARGO W: JEREMY JOE KRONSBERG P: ROBERT DALEY Clint Eastwood is a bare-knuckle fighter with an orangutang who travels cross-country to find country and western singer Sondra Locke in this ok but throwaway southern-appeal action comedy. With Geoffrey Lewis, Beverly D’Angelo, Bill McKinney, James McEachin (TENAFLY), Walter Barnes, George Chandler, Roy Jenson, Hank Worden, Ruth Gordon, Chuck Hicks and Charlie Rich. ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN was the sequel.

THE EVICTORS (1979 US) D/W/P: CHARLES B. PIERCE W: GARY RUSSOFF/PAUL FISK AIP released this sometimes creepy backwoods haunted house movie with a decent cast (Vic Morrow, Michael Parks, Jessica Harper, Sue Ann Langdon and Bill Thurman). Unfortunately it’s not very good.

THE EVIL (cry demon; house of evil) (1978 US) D: GUS TRIKONIS W: DONALD GALEN THOMPSON P: ED CARLIN Richard Crenna, Joanna Petit and Andrew Prine headline this unusual haunted house movie that features Vic Buono as the devil! Screenwriter Thompson has a role as a spirit. Different and not too boring, but a curious distraction at best.

EVIL ALIENS (aliens) (2004 UK) D/W: JAKE WEST P: TIM DENNISON Low-end satellite tv paranormal show host Emily Booth takes a crew to a remote Welsh island where they encounter hostile inbred farmers and titular extraterrestrials using ley lines and power stones as UFO chargers. The aliens are basically men in masks, but some of the FX are really impressive for such a low-budget film. Unfortunately, it’s still an unfunny and quite annoying fanboy gore comedy (in the BAD TASTE vein). The only inspired scene is a bloody massacre backed by The Wurzels’ hit Combine Harvester! With Norman Lovett. I suppose it’s an improvement on West’s RAZOR BLADE SMILE (the time between seems to have been filled with him making dvd-extra docs for Anchor Bay). West really upped his game with DOGHOUSE next, and also put together the fun VIDEO NASTIES: MORAL PANIC, CENSORSHIP & VIDEOTAPE (2010).

EVIL BABY See: THE DEVIL WITHIN HER (1975)

THE EVIL BELOW (el diablo) (1989 S.AFR) D: JEANCLAUDE DUBOIS W: ART PAYNE P: BARRIE SAINT CLAIRE Wayne Crawford hires out his boat to tourists who want to do some fishing on the straits of San Sebastian. A woman hires him to help her look for (cursed) sunken treasure. They have to deal with sharks and possibly the devil himself. You couldn’t pay me to sit through this one (and stay awake) again.

EVIL COME EVIL GO (1972 US) D/W: WALT DAVIS P: BOB CHINN A devious female holy roller plays the accordion and preaches against the love generation (“God is love, not sex”) on the streets of LA, and slaughters men stupid enough to try to ball her. She tricks a wealthy lesbian into financing her bid at tv stardom and brainwashes her. This strange, rambling sex movie (with typical almost hardcore scenes of the period) is (like director Davis’ previous hardcore sex and gore oddity SEX PSYCHO) more notable (an anti-Christian propaganda sexploitation movie) than it is entertaining or enjoyable to watch. Manuel Conde was the cinematographer, and John Holmes (who starred in many movies for Chinn, and can be seen briefly) was the assistant director. With Rick Cassidy and Davis.

THE EVIL CULT See: THE KUNG FU CULT MASTER

THE EVIL DEAD (1981 US) D/W: SAM RAIMI P: ROBERT G. TAPERT Originally Raimi filmed a 16mm featurette with the shooting title of Book Of The Dead in 1979 (see WITHIN THE WOODS review) and got funding by showing it to independent businessmen like dentists and doctors in the Detroit area to expand it to feature-length. The resulting picture was a modern comedy horror classic that’s only let-down by its plasticine finale FX. The plot is simple: five teens (including the iconic Bruce Campbell as Ash, also an executive producer along with Raimi) vacationing at a log cabin in the woods, finding a copy of the Necronomicon and accidentally raising evil spirits that possess each of them (and the woods) one-by-one. The only way to cure the infected is through the act of “bodily dismemberment”. A wonderful excuse for wild, gory action. The innovative and widely influential “Steadicam” camerawork was made possible by strapping the camera to a piece of wood (!) that they ran around with. Future director Joel Coen (who co-wrote CRIMEWAVE with Ethan Coen and Raimi next) was the assistant editor. See if you can spot Raimi and Tapert, but I doubt you’ll recognise Scott Spiegel and Ted Raimi as “fake Shemp” stand-ins. Sequels followed, and it was remade (with a big-budget) in 2013.

EVIL DEAD 2: DEAD BY DAWN (1987 US) D/W: SAM RAIMI W: SCOTT SPIEGEL P: ROBERT G. TAPERT This remake/sequel is even wilder. Bruce Campbell returns to the remote cabin in the woods and we get a condensed, high-speed recap of the first movie in 10 mins! Then things really get going. Campbell cuts his own hand off with a chainsaw, and it runs around tormenting him. With corny gags and lots of black comedy slapstick (more than the original), this takes the edge off slightly, but is a great rollercoaster of a movie. There are two different endings (setting up the next entry ARMY OF DARKNESS) and both are available on recent dvd reissues. With Raimi and his brother Ted, Josh Becker and Spiegel.

EVIL DEAD 3: THE MEDIEVAL DEAD See: ARMY OF DARKNESS: EVIL DEAD 3

EVIL DEAD TRAP (tokyo snuff; shiryo no wana) (1988 JPN) D: TOSHIHARU IKEDA W: TAKASHI ISHII This now infamous and celebrated Argento-esque horror movie is pretty interesting, but (apart from technically) is nowhere near as good as you’ve heard. Miyuki Ono is a talk show host who receives a snuff movie in the mail. She takes her camera crew to the warehouse where it was filmed and graphic murders occur. It has a very ambiguous ending. Two very different sequels followed, beginning with HIDEKI. With Shinsuke Shimada.

THE EVIL EMPIRE See: MOBSTERS

THE EVIL EYE (the girl who knew too much; la ragazza che sapeva troppo) (1963 ITL) D/W: MARIO BAVA W: ENNIO DE CONCINI/ENZO CORBUCCI/ELIANA DE SABATA/MINO GUERRINI/FRANCO PROSPERI P: MASSIMO DE RITA Cute Leticia Roman is an American tourist who loves mystery stories and happens to witness a murder in Rome. No one believes this flaky foreigner with an overactive imagination, apart from friendly doctor John Saxon, but can he be trusted? The most badly dated of Bava’s mystery/horror films, and not as close to a template for subsequent giallo as you might have read (his BLOOD AND BLACK LACE is more like it). The great director’s b/w photography is, however, faultless, and Roman and Saxon much more fun than virtually any character in a cold, detached Argento movie. With Valentina Cortese, Luigi Bonos, Franco Ressel and (apparently, if you look close in some prints only) Bava in a portrait. Beware those “marijuana cigarettes”.

THE EVIL FORCE (1959) See: 4D MAN

EVIL FORCE (1977) See: HOLLYWOOD MEAT CLEAVER MASSACRE

EVIL HERITAGE See: SATAN’S SLAVE

EVIL INSIDE See: SCOURGE

EVIL IN THE SWAMP See: ALL THE KIND STRANGERS

EVIL MIND See: THE CLAIRVOYANT

THE EVIL OF DRACULA (bloodthirsty rose;: chi o suu bara) (1975 JPN) D: MICHIO YAMAMOTO W: EI OGAWA/MASARU TAKASUE Yamamoto made a trilogy of vampire movies for Toho inspired by the success of THE VAMPIRE LOVERS etc. from Hammer. This is the last one that follows THE VAMPIRE DOLL (1970) and LAKE OF DRACULA (1971), the only entry I’ve got around to viewing thus far. I hope the others are better. The pathetic and badly scripted story stars Toshio Kuroswa as the new teacher at a remote all-girl school (that only seems to have a handful of students). He discovers that girls that disappear are being vampirised by the principal (Shin Kishida) and his wife who supposedly died in a car crash. The atrocious dubbing for the American tv print doesn’t help (“You’re a bloodsucking demon aren’t you? Damn you!”). In this version one scene of dialogue is repeated by accident. With Kunie Tanaka, Yunosuke Ito and a flashback to a white Christian thought to have started the vampire plague in Japan.

THE EVIL OF FRANKENSTEIN (1964 UK) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W/P: “JOHN ELDER” (ANTHONY HINDS) In the third entry in Hammer’s Frankenstein series, the Baron (Peter Cushing) is forced to flee from yet another village where his experiments are considered diabolical. He (along with a young assistant) return to a town that has evidently run him out before, and discover a previous creation perfectly preserved in a glacier. When thawed, things go terribly wrong after a travelling hypnotist gains control of the creature and commands it to exact his revenge. No great shakes, but a solid series entry that’s more than watchable and moves along at an engaging pace. With Timothy Bateson and (in extra scenes shot for the US release only) Steven Geray. The series took a turn for the bizarre with FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN next.

THE EVIL PRIEST See: WICKED PRIEST

THE EVIL PROTÉGÉ See: BUTCHER, BAKER, NIGHMARE MAKER

EVIL ROY SLADE (1972 US) D: JERRY PARIS W/P: JERRY BELSON/GARRY MARSHALL John Astin is great as Evil Roy Slade, a child who was abandoned in the desert, only to grow up to be a gleeful, sadistic (but loveable) outlaw of the wild west. The idea behind this proposed tv series (that should have been made) was that Slade would be the regular villain and each week would see a new guest star good guy. Only two episodes were ever completed and they became this fun tv feature. No big laughs, but highly enjoyable, with Astin on top form. With Mickey Rooney, Henry Gibson, Dick Shawn (as Bing Bell), Luana Anders (DEMENTIA 13), Larry Hagman, Pat Morita, Edie Adams, Milton Berle, Milton Frome, Ed Begley Jr., Dom De Luise, John Ritter, Larry Hankin, Paris and future director Penny Marshall. Pat Buttram narrates.

EVILS OF CHINATOWN See: CONFESSIONS OF AN OPIUM EATER

EVILS OF THE NIGHT (space monsters; space devil) (1983 US) D/W/P: MARDI RUSTAM W: PHILIP DENNIS CONNORS Horny teens at the beach (including porn stars Jerry Butler, Amber Lynn and Crystal Breeze) are being stalked and kidnapped by a couple of goons in balaclavas. They turn out to be local mechanics Neville Brand and Aldo Ray, busy providing bodies for alien John Carradine’s hospital. Carradine and his two assistants (Julie Newmar and Tina Louise) arrive in a spacecraft, shoot people with a laser ring and are collecting blood for their dying planet (or something like that). Utterly senseless excuse for a film but worth it for the past-their-prime exploitation cast (especially Brand, who’s crushed under a car in his final role) but little else. The ending is particularly absurd. Rustam made the same story as a paste-up job that got released as EVIL TOWN (1987).

EVIL SPAWN (alive by night; deadly sting; metamorphosis) (1986 US) D/W: KENNETH J. HALL P: ANTHONY BREWSTER Older has-been actress and former starlet Bobbie Bresee is approached by sinister-seeming Dawn Wildsmith on behalf of a scientist with experimental serum shots that reverse the ageing process. They do indeed make her younger, but also turn her into a big snarling man-in-a-suit monster that kills with big pincers. She offs agents and producers that didn’t give her the starring role she wanted in this stupid but quite enjoyable schlock homage to THE WASP WOMAN. It only runs 69 mins, so doesn’t outstay its welcome. Executive producer Fred Olen Ray had brief footage of a very weakseeming John Carradine added. He added even more to an alternative version called THE ALIEN WITHIN that was marketed as a different movie in 1990! Look for Forrest J. Ackerman cleaning a pool.

EVILSPEAK (devilspeak) (1981 US) D/W/P: ERIC WESTON W: JOSEPH GAROFALO P: SYLVIO TABET Clint Howard is Coopersmith, a bullied orphan at a military academy who finds a secret room underneath the chapel. There he attempts to resurrect the devil via his personal computer. Don Stark leads the gang of jocks who finally push him too far by killing his puppy, resulting in Howard becoming a floating, blood-spattered killer who chops heads with a big sword. Other gory deaths are administered by a pack of wild hogs and R.G. Armstrong’s drunken caretaker-turned-zombie. Richard Moll is a satanist who decapitates a woman in the opening prologue. It’s a fun revenge/horror movie that’s developed quite the cult following over the years. A set-up for a sequel was never acted upon.

THE EVIL THAT MEN DO (1984 US) D: J. LEE THOMPSON W: DAVID LEE HENRY/JOHN CROWTHER P: PANCHO KOHNER “The Doctor” is an expert in torture who lectures to and works for various South American countries in political upheaval. Charles Bronson is a retired hitman living on a tropical island (with his pet fish Quasimodo) who’s hired to assassinate him. He goes to Guatemala and poses as a family man. Lots of horrible things are implied and not shown, but there is a brutal electrocution at the beginning and a gory revenge ending. With José Ferrer, John Glover, Raymond St. Jacques, Fernando Saez, Enrique Lucero, Jorge Luke, Joe Seneca, Ernesto Gomez Cruz, Angelica Aragon, Eduardo Lopez Rojas, Miguel Angel Fuentes and Alfredo Gutierrez. It’s based on a novel by R. Lance Hill.

THE EVIL TWINS See: TWINS OF EVIL

EVOLUTION (2001 US) D/P: IVAN REITMAN W: DAVID DIAMOND/DAVID WEISSMAN/DON JAKOBY P: DANIEL GOLDBERG/JOE MEDJUCK In one of the most irritating major releases in recent memory, a meteorite crash-lands in the desert. University geology teachers David Duchovny (a dull and useless actor who got lucky) and Orlando Jones (who’s not funny) discover a single cell organism from the rock that divides cells, multiplies and evolves at an alarming rate (it splits into vegetation, flatworms, apes and flying reptiles). Julianne Moore is a clumsy government agent trying to help Duchovny and Jones take credit for their discovery while nuke ‘em military types take over. Some of the visual FX creations are great and the sci-fi premise is sound. But why hire Reitman, cast Seann William Scott and turn it into a puerile, headache-inducing comedy? It could have been a first-rate Quatermass-style sci-fi thriller. What a waste. With Ted Levine, Ethan Suplee, Dan Aykroyd, Katharine Towne, Richard Moll, Sarah Silverman, Steven Gilborn, Wayne Duvall, Ty Burrell, Kyle Gass, Lee Garlington, John Cho, Chris Wylde and Tom Davis. Steven Spielberg was an uncredited executive producer. ALIENATORS: EVOLUTION CONTINUES was an animated tv series spin-off.

EVOLVER (1994 US) D/W: MARK ROSMAN P: JEFF GEOFFRAY/WALTER JOSTEN/HENRY SEGGERMAN Ethen Randall/Embry fixes it so he wins an advanced toy robot in a VR contest. The robot (voiced by William H. Macy) has artificial intelligence so it can memorise its surroundings and fires harmless little balls at its opponents. Soon it’s firing metal ball-bearings, knives and lasers (and making wisecracks). It’s an ok but pretty silly teen horror spin on SHORT CIRCUIT. With Cindy Pickett, John De Lancie, Paul Dooley and Steve Johnson robotics. Rosman is most famous for THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW.

THE EWOK ADVENTURE (caravan of courage) (1984 US) D: JOHN KORTY W: BOB CARRAU/ GEORGE LUCAS P: THOMAS G. SMITH The first of two EWOK spin-off movies featuring the furry creatures from RETURN OF THE JEDI. A couple of kids whose parents go missing on a distant planet befriend the Ewoks (including Warwick Davis in one of the suits). There’s a monster. Lucas was also the executive producer. With Fionnula Flanagan, Guy Boyd and narration from Burt Ives. Kids could do worse I guess.

EWOKS: THE BATTLE FOR ENDOR (1985 US) D/W: JIM and KEN WHEAT P: THOMAS G. SMITH Warwick Davis returns as an Ewok to help some more kids. There’s better ILM FX monsters in this one. With Wilford Brimley, Sian Phillips, Carel Struycken, Paul Gleason, Johnny Weissmueller Jr. and narration from Kevin Pollack.

EX See: EXTREME OPS

EXCESS BAGGAGE (1997 US) D: MARCO BRAMBILLA W: MAX A. ADAMS/DICK CLEMENTS/IAN LA FRENAIS P: BILL BORDEN/CAROLYN KESSLER/ALICIA SILVERSTONE (uncredited) Alicia Silverstone is the neglected daughter of a billionaire who fakes her own kidnapping for some attention. To make it look genuine, she locks herself in the boot of her car which is subsequently stolen by car thief Benicio Del Toro. Christopher Walken is the military friend of the family, Uncle Ray, who tracks them down. There’s nothing special about this cute romantic comedy adventure, but it benefits from a nice cast and is better than A LIFE LESS ORDINARY. With Jack Thompson, Harry Connick Jr., Nicholas Turturro, Sally Kirkland, Michael Bowen, Leland Orser, Robert Ursden, Hiro Kangawa, Callum Keith Rennie, C. Ernst Harth, Claire Riley, Fulvio Cecere and Hrothgar Mathews. Brambilla made DEMOLITION MAN.

EXCESSIVE FORCE 2: FORCE ON FORCE (lethal cop 2) (1995 US) D: JONATHAN WINFREY W: MARK SEVI P: PAUL HERTZBERG A woman replaces Thomas Ian Griffith from the 1993 original, to which this “sequel” is not related. Boring action movie with no particular reason to watch. Hang on, let me just check… no. With James Lew and Tom Wright and Winfrey.

THE EXCHANGE See: MAXIMUM RISK

THE EXECUTIONER (1974) See: ALMOST HUMAN

THE EXECUTIONER (chokugeki! jigoku hen) (1974 JPN) D/W: TERUO ISHII P: SUNAO SAKAGAMI Former Police Commissioner Ryo Ikibe hires Koga ninja descendent Sonny Chiba, ex-cop and assassin Makoto Sato and horny comic relief aikido master Eiji Go (Jo Shishido’s brother) to steal drugs from a Mafia cartel in Japan. Leggy “Doris” (Yutaka) Nakajima helps too (and provides upskirt shots). This ridiculous, cartoonish and never-boring feature is non-stop violence, dumb comedy and nudity, and is not for the “politically correct”. With Yasuaki Kurata (usually found in Hong Kong movies), Masahiko Tsugawa, Rikia Yasuoka (who bites an ear off), Michitaro Mizushima, Hideo Murota and a 14-year-old Hiroyuki Sanada as a young Chiba in the opening scenes.

THE EXECUTIONER (1976) See: THE EXECUTORS

EXECUTIONER 2: KARATE INFERNO (karate inferno; chokugeki jigoku hen: dai gyakuten) (1974 JPN) D/W: TERUO ISHII W: SHINICHI HASHIMOTO P: SATORU YABE/SUNAO SAKAGAMI The original was such a hit that Ishii was reluctantly drafted in to deliver a sequel. The late, mischievous director had his revenge by turning it into a stupid slapstick comedy (it was a hit anyway!). Chiba, Soto, Go, Nakajima and Ikibe return. This time they are after the Star of Pharoah diamond, and rescue a kidnapped little girl. There is some action (the beginning and the end mostly), but the rest is the same dumb and horny stuff that was more well-balanced in the first picture. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy it, but beware what you’re getting into, especially if you’re not a huge fan of 70s era Japanese exploitation and its stars. Yasuoka and Murota also return, along with Etsuko Shihomi, Tetsuro Tamba, Kanjuro Arashi and Shingo Yamashiro in a bizarre dual role, Sonny on a digital watch and poster, and an ABASHIRI BANGAICHI gag reference.

THE EXECUTIONER, PART II (1980 US) D: JAMES BRYAN W/P: RENEE HARMON A vigilante called The Executioner is blowing up scum all over LA with grenades (cue explosion stock footage) in this EXTERMINATOR rip-off. Chris Mitchum is a cop who figures out it’s his ’nam vet mechanic friend. This very bad, cheap and inept feature also has Aldo Ray as Mitchum’s superior and writer/producer Harmon. It has nothing to do with Duke Mitchell’s gangster saga THE EXECUTIONER, and is in fact a sequel to nothing. Bryan (also the cinematographer) made DON’T GO IN THE WOODS. [Illus.]

EXECUTIONERS See: THE HEROIC TRIO 2

EXECUTIONERS FROM SHAOLIN (shaolin executioners; executioners of death) (1977 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW Unusually reserved but very, very good kung fu drama with epic elements. Chen Kuan Tai is a Ming patriot who survives the destruction of the Shaolin temple thanks to the sacrifice of his fellow disciple Gordon Liu Chia Hui (the star of his director brother’s EIGHT DIAGRAM POLE FIGHTERS and others). He marries Lily Li, they have a child and he trains for years to take vengeance against the traitorous Lo Lieh (and sidekick Kong Do). When he fails in this task, the son grows up to be Wong Yu, who trains to avenge his father. Well-paced humane story that’s engrossing and sparing in its (excellent) fight scenes (choreographed by Liu Chia Liang). With Lee Hoi Sang, John Cheung, Cheng Hong Yip, Wilson Tong, Shum Lo, Tin Ching, Fung Hak On, Fung Lee and Billy Chan. The follow up was FISTS OF THE WHITE LOTUS. Both come highly recommended and would make an unbeatable double bill.

EXECUTIONERS OF DEATH See: EXECUTIONERS FROM SHAOLIN

EXECUTIONS (1995 UK) D/W/P: DAVID HERMAN/ DAVID MONAGHAN D/P: ARUN KUMAR Gorehounds looking for FACES OF DEATH-style death footage will be disappointed by this sombre and pointed documentary geared towards an anti-death penalty message. In fact most of the running time is very reserved, and boring unless you’re in the mood for an opinionated history lesson. But the final segment that shows a man being put to death by firing squad in Beirut is horrible, later making its way into more reprehensible death footage tapes. The unrelated EXECUTIONS 2 (1995) is just such a tape.

EXECUTIVE ACTION (1973 US) D: DAVID MILLER W: DALTON TRUMBO/DONALD FREED/MARK LANE P: EDWARD LEWIS/DAN BESSIE This great and unfairly neglected thriller shows a conspiracy that could have existed against JFK, and how it might have been carried out. Burt Lancaster, Robert Ryan and Will Geer star as right-wing conspirators who have a team of riflemen (including Dick Miller) trained for the assassination, and set up Lee Harvey Oswald to take the fall. It uses footage of Kennedy’s speeches to illustrate why certain people would want him dead, and ends with a list of people connected with the events that mysteriously ended up dead. It’s pretty convincing and way more entertaining than Oliver Stone’s later JFK (which starred Donald Sutherland, who initially developed this apparently). With John Anderson, Ed Lauter, Walter Brooke and Robert Kamen.

EXECUTIVE CHASER See: MOVING TARGETS (1998)

EXECUTIVE COMMANDO See: STRATEGIC COMMAND

EXECUTIVE DECISION (1996 US) D: STUART BAIRD W/P: JIM and JOHN THOMAS P: JOEL SILVER David Suchet leads a bunch of terrorists who have hijacked a 747 filled with passengers. Steven Seagal (who doesn’t last long) sneaks a team of commandos and Kurt Russell (and Oliver Platt) on-board. Awfully static action for such a major release, and it’s too long and formulaic. With Halle Berry as a stewardess, J.T. Walsh as a senator on-board the plane, Joe Morton, John Leguizamo, Nicholas Pryor, B.D. Wong, Len Cariou, Whip Hubley, Ken Jenkins, Euegen Roche, Richard Riehle, John Huertas, Ray Baker, Juan Fernandez and Ilia Volokh.

EXECUTIVE TARGET (1996 US) D/P: JOSEPH MERHI P: JACOBSEN HART/DAYTON CALLIE P: RICHARD PEPIN Convicted stunt driver Michael Madsen is bust out of a prison bus by Keith David’s well-connected gang of criminals. They threaten to kill his ex-wife if he doesn’t help them kidnap the President (Roy Scheider). Lots of car chases doesn’t stop it from getting boring. With Angie Everhart, screenwriters Callie and Hart, Robert Miao, Matthias Hues, Sal Landi, Dan Martin, George “Buck” Flower and David “Shark” Fralick.

THE EXECUTORS (sicilian cross; street people; the executioner; uomo d’el organizzazione; gli esecutor) (1976 ITL) D/W: MAURIZIO LUCIDI W: ERNEST TIDYMAN/GIANFRANCO BUCCERI/NICOLA BADALUCCO/RANDAL KLEISER/ROBERT LEONI P: MANOLO BOLOGNINI/LUIGI BORGHESE Roger Moore is Ulysses, a half-Sicilian lawyer who works for the Mafia. When his mobster uncle (Ivor Garrani) is framed for bringing drugs into San Francisco hidden inside a big crucifix shipped from Sicily, Moore and racing driver accomplice Stacy Keach try to find the culprits so they can line their own pockets. This thriller is ok but unremarkable, with a good car chase and a great scene in which Keach wrecks a car by driving it through the streets of SF at high speed. With Fausto Tozzi, Romano Puppo, Franco Fantasia and Ettore Manni. A surprising credit for Kleiser perhaps.

EXHAUSTED: JOHN C. HOLMES, THE REAL STORY (1981 US) D/P: JULIA ST. VINCENT This documentary look at the legendary porn star John Holmes (and his giant dick) has an agenda right from the start. Make John look good! Really good! Don’t expect to find how much of an arsehole he could be sometimes, or all the lies he perpetuated about himself (for that, see the documentary WADD), but hear Seka exclaim that giving him a blow-job is like “trying to suck a telephone pole”, “I wish I could fit more of it in my mouth” and “John Holmes has cum like God”. Other interviewees include Holmes, director Bob Chinn and many members of the public. All the interesting stuff (in a time capsule kinda way) is sandwiched between lengthy and mostly boring (for me anyway) sex scenes from his movies. BOOGIE NIGHTS fans will be amused to see what P.T. Anderson based a lot of his ideas on. “Where the fuck is Ringo?”

EXILE See: IN EXILE

EXISTENZ (1999 CAN UK FRA) D/W/P: DAVID CRONENBERG P: ROBERT LANTOS/ABDRAS HAMORI Jennifer Jason Leigh and Jude Law star in this fun Cronenberg adventure that appeared during a glut of is-this-reality? movies at the time (OPEN YOUR EYES, MATRIX, THE TRUMAN SHOW etc). The plot, that need not be explained here, involves an advanced virtual reality-style video game that’s played by plugging into a grotesque looking, fleshy “metaflesh gamepod”. Beyond that you should find out for yourself. It’s less serious than earlier Cronenberg features, but still has some typically shocking scenes (if a little toned down). With Ian Holm, Willem Dafoe, Christopher Eccleston, Don McKellar, Callum Keith Rennie, Sarah Polley, Kris Lemche, Gerry Quigley and Jim Isaac FX.

EXIT WOUNDS (2001 US) D: ANDRZEJ BARTOWIAK W: ED HOROWITZ/RICHARD D’OVIDIO P: JOEL SILVER Detroit cop Steven Seagal is a loose cannon (naturally) investigating a drug operation who uncovers an internet police corruption exposé organisation. The usual mindless action, explosions and wisecracks, but more slick, fast-paced and watchable than your usual Seagal flick (and there’s no hard to swallow eco message). With DMX, Isaiah Washington, Anthony Anderson, Michael Jai White, Bill Duke, Tom Arnold, Jill Hennessy, Bruce McGill, Matthew G. Taylor, Shane Daly, Jennifer Irwin, Daniel Kash, Christopher Lawford, Arnold Pinnock, Shawn Lawrence and Phillip Jarrett. Based on John Weltermann’s novel.

THE EXORCIST (1973 US) D: WILLIAM FRIEDKIN W/P: WILLIAM PETER BLATTY As if you need me to tell you about this famous horror masterpiece… Jason Miller and Max von Sydow are the priests. Linda Blair is the possessed crucifix-masturbating child. Ellen Barkin her concerned mother. Mercedes McCambridge is the possessed Pazuzu voice. Dick Smith and Rick Baker provided the FX. Mike Old-field’s Tubular Bells is the effective soundtrack. Eileen Smith was Blair’s double. On set curse, subliminal images etc, etc, etc. It’s still scary and if you haven’t caught up with it yet, then do so. With Lee J. Cobb, Titos Vandis and Blatty. A director’s cut (111 mins) has been available for some time. Sequels followed.

EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC (1977 US) D/P: JOHN BOORMAN W: WILLIAM GOODHART P: RICHARD S. LEDERER The original was an audience-manipulating horror classic. This is not. Richard Burton is a disciple of Father Carras investigating his death. Linda Blair is all grown-up now and may still have the wind god Pazuzu inside her. Ludicrous scenes at a children’s centre for learning difficulties (where mom Louise Fletcher works) feature the use of a hypnosis machine. Max von Sydow returns and James Earl Jones is an African doctor. The ending (involving locusts) is proof-positive of the futility of this exercise. Clips from the original outshine everything else. With Kitty Winn (also in the original), Paul Henried, Ned Beatty, Hank Garrett and the voice of Vladek Sheybal (THE APPLE). Another sequel followed.

THE EXORCIST III (1990 US) D/W: WILLIAM PETER BLATTY P: CARTER DE HAVEN Another ridiculous sequel that has original author Blatty shoehorning ideas from the original into an adaptation of his Zodiac Killer-inspired book Legion. George C. Scott stars as a cop trying to solve bizarre, violent murders (nothing is really shown in terms of gore). The trail leads him to a mental asylum (where an old woman scuttles across the roof like a spider). Jason Miller and Brad Dourif both play the talky Gemini killer, but no one seems to notice how his face changes! The final (studio imposed) exorcism scene is ludicrous, as is a lot of this ill-conceived nonsense (but not enough to be entertaining). With Nicol Williamson, Scott Wilson, Viveca Lindfors, Don Gordon, Harry Carey Jr., George DiCenzo, Grand L. Bush, Ken Lerner, Kevin Corrigan, David Dwyer, Larry King, Fabio, a brief prestardom appearance from Samuel L. Jackson and the voice of Colleen Dewhurst. A prequel followed.

EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING (2004 US) D: RENNY HARLIN/PAUL SCHRADER (uncredited) W: ALEXI HAWLEY/WILLIAM WISHER JR./CALEB CARR P: WILL RAEE/JAMES G. ROBINSON John Frankenheimer turned down directing this prequel and Paul Schrader ended up helming it. After turning in a completed film, Warner Bros/Morgan Creek decided they didn’t like it and wanted more blood and guts. Harlin was hired and delivered what they wanted (ironically most of the more gruesome stuff was cut out to avoid an NC-17 rating). Very little of Schrader’s work remains. Stellan Skarsgard stars as a middle-aged, alcoholic Father Merrin hired to help investigate a mysterious, ancient church found buried underground in Africa. Harlin’s version is sloppily structured and does rely too much on formulaic shock tactics, but it’s still a reasonably enjoyable slice of hokum and far better than the other sequels. Schrader’s cut was also released as DOMINION in 2005 (it was better). With Izabella Scorupco, James D’Arcy, Ralph Brown, Ben Cross, David Bradley, Alan Ford and Antoine Kamerling.

EXORCIST MASTER (kui moh diy cheung; qu mo dao chang) (1993 HK) D: WU MA P: LEE JAN GEI A foreign priest is killed by a falling cross in a church in China, and his body is buried in the basement. Local Taoist Lam Ching Ying is not amused when a Christian mission led by Father Wu Ma arrives to collect donations and reopen the church. After too much comedy involving Lam Ching Ying in drag, and his protégé Ngai Sing trying to ogle breasts, the priest does indeed return as a vampire (there are some hopping ones later, too). Actually, the comedy-to-action ratio is not as unbalanced as some, and overall this is pretty enjoyable, with enough incomprehensible magic FX action to please fans of its type (like me). With Teddy Yip and Yuen Sam. Wu Ma directed Yuen Biao in KICK BOXER the same year. Lam Ching Ying returned in his next THE CHINESE GHOSTBUSTER (1994) the following year.

EXORCIST NO. 2 See: CRIES AND SHADOWS

EXOTICA (1994 CAN) D/W/P: ATOM EGOYAN P: CAMELIA FRIEBERG/ROBERT LANTOS Typically detached and voyeuristic Egoyan look at sex and more that centres around a bizarre Toronto stripclub. Elias Koteas is the MC there, Mia Kirshner his ex and stripper in a school uniform. Recommended for those with patience. With David Hemblen, Don McKellar, Maury Chaykin, Bruce Greenwood, Sarah Polley and Victor Garber.

THE EXOTIC ONES See: MONSTER AND THE STRIPPER

EXPECT NO MERCY (cyber wars) (1995 CAN) D: ZALE DALEN W: J. STEPHEN MAUNDER P: JALAL MERHI A martial arts training school which uses virtual reality as part of its training is in fact a front for an assassination service. Billy Blanks stars as an undercover agent trying to infiltrate the place with the help of insider Merhi and Laurie Holden (defected employee). With Brett Halsey, Richard Fitzpatrick, Wolf Larson and Scott Wickware. VR kick-boxing is a pretty desperate filmmaking gimmick, and this direct-to-video bore is a perfect example.

THE EXPERIMENT (1981) See: DR. JEKYLL AND HIS WOMEN

DAS EXPERIMENT (2001 GER) D/W: OLIVER HIRSCBIEGEL W: DON BOHLINGER/CHRISTOPH DARNSTADT W/P: FRIEDRICH WILDFEUER P: MARC CONRAD Moritz Bleibtreu is convict No. 77, a cab driver (and undercover journalist) who takes part in a scientific experiment overseen by scientists using secret video cameras. A small group of volunteer men sign away their basic human rights for two weeks and are separated into either guards or prisoners in a makeshift prison set-up complete with cells. The guards are not allowed to use violence, so employ psychological torture and dehumanising methods to keep rebellious “inmates” in-line. Bleibtreu is the main troublemaker and Justus von Dohnanyi is convincing as Berus, a pathetic specimen all too gleefully wielding his power. Based on Mario Giordano’s book Black Box, and (like that novel) hugely influenced by the notorious real-life Stanford Prison Experiment from 1971 (see QUIET RAGE review). As a serious investigation into extreme human behaviour and the psychology of imprisonment, it’s a cop-out. However, as an exciting dynamic thriller, it’s great entertainment, and good filmmaking. With Christian Berkel, Olivier Stokowski, Wotan Wilke Mohring, Antoine Monot Jr., Edgar Selge, Andrea Sawatchi, Uwe Rohde and the voices of Heiner Lauterbach and Faith Akin, There was also an animated German short from 1998 (also called DAS EXPERIMENT) based on Stanford. Remade badly in 2010.

THE EXPERIMENT (2010 US) D/W/P: PAUL T. SCHEURING P: JEANETTE BUERLING/BILL JOHNSON/ MAGGIE MONTEITH/MARTY ADELSTEIN/ SCOTT NEMES/DAWN PAROUSE Volunteers for a psychological experiment are taken to a remote building that’s been turned into a makeshift prison for two weeks. They are separated into guards and prisoners, are given strict rules (i.e. no violence) and monitored by cameras. A battle for superiority soon escalates. An inferior remake of the German movie DAS EXPERIMENT, both of them being based on Mario Giordano’s book Black Box (itself inspired by the notorious Stanford Prison Experiment of 1971). Adrien Brody is the peacenik who heads the prisoners, fucked-up zealot Fisher Stevens (who pisses on Brody) the guards. With Clifton Collins Jr., Ethan Cohn, Fisher Stevens, Cam Gigandet and Maggie Grace (in brief scenes shot in India). Scheuring created tv’s PRISON BREAK, more his level of hokum as he’s clearly out of his depth here.

EXPERIMENT IN TERROR (the grip of fear) (1962 US) D/P: BLAKE EDWARDS W: MILDRED AND GORDON GORDON Solid (if overlong) b/w police procedural thriller about bank teller Lee Remick being terrorised into robbing her own bank. Glenn Ford co-stars, with Stefanie Powers, Roy Poole, Ned Glass, William Bryant, Sidney Miller and Gil Perkins. Based on the Gordons’ novel Operation Terror.

EXPERIMENT OCCULT See: BLOOD CREEK

THE EXPERT (the revenge) (1994 US) D: RICK AVERY W: MAX ALLAN COLLINS/JILL GATSBY/LARRY COHEN (uncredited) P: ANDREW W. GARRONI/ NICHOLAS BARBARO In this anti-insanity plea FX-generated hair slaughter set pieces. Chiaki Kuriyama stars as a young hair-stylist-in-training, protecting her niece from an abusive older sister (Tsugumi). This enjoyable black comedy/parody of post-RING trauma-virus horrors is Sono (SUICIDE CIRCLE)’s least pretentious and most fun film thus far. With Ken Mitsuichi, Mirai Yamamoto, Yurei Yanagi, Yoji Tanaka, Hiroshi Yamamoto and a cameo from manga writer Yoshikazu Ebuisu as a cab driver.

THE EXTERMINATING ANGEL (el angel exterminador) (1962 MEX) D/W: LUIS BUNUEL W: LUIS ALCORIZA P: GUSTAVO ALATRISTE Guests at a fancy dinner party just can’t seem to leave in this amazing b/w surrealist fantasy from Buñuel. Silvia Pinal stars. There’s not much more I can say, because like its later companion piece DISCREET CHARM OF THE BOURGEOISIE, you have to see this one for yourself. Based on José Bergamin’s play Los Naufragos. With Enrique Rambal, Claudio Brook, José Baviera, Augusto Benedico, Antonio Bravo, Jacqueline Andere, Cesar del Campo, Lucy Gallardo, Enrique Garcia Alvarez, Ofelia Guilmain, Tito Junco, Bertha Moss, Guillermo Alvarez, Florencino Castello, Arturo Cobo, Pancho Cordova, Eric del Castello, Jesus Gomez, Chez Lopez, Rita Macedo and Roberto Meyer.

THE EXTERMINATOR (1980 US) D/W: JAMES GLICKENHAUS P: MARK BUNTZMAN Robert Ginty is good as a ’nam vet turned vigilante in New York City. He uses a flame-thrower (just a little) and a big meat-grinder to kill gangsters and perverts. Christopher George is the cop trying to figure it out, Samantha Eggar is the nurse girlfriend, and Steve James gets killed with a metal claw. It was a major hit on video (for its time) and has become a cult favourite, but is not so brilliant. What it does have is good grimy grindhouse atmosphere to burn. With George Cheung, Irwin Keyes, Louis Edmonds, news anchor Roger Grimsby, Stan Getz’s band playing jazz in a park and Stan Winston gore FX. Buntzman is also in it as a gangbanger. The uncut version runs 104 mins. Peter McCurtin prepared a novelisation. McBAIN was Glickenhaus’ better movie covering similar territory. His next was THE SOLDIER. For more abundant flame-thrower thrills, may I recommend DON’T GO IN THE HOUSE.

EXTERMINATOR 2 (1984 US) D/W/P: MARK BUNTZMAN W/P: WILLIAM SACHS Ginty returns to off members of Mario Van Peebles’ ambitious gang of street punks with his flamethrower. It’s an ok sequel, but not very exciting. With Irwin Keyes, John Turturro, Frankie Faison and Tom Wright. Sachs made THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN. [Illus.]

THE EXTERMINATORS OF THE YEAR 3000: THE MAD RIDER (death warriors; mad rider; gli sterninadori dell’anno 3000; el exterminador de la carretera) (1983 ITL SPN) D: “JULES HARRISON” (GIULIANO CARNIMEO) W: ELISA BRIGANTI/ DARDANO SACCHETTI/JOSÉ TRUCHADO REYES P: CAMILLO TETI Water is a precious resource in a action movie Jeff Speakman stars as an FBI agent who sneaks into a minimum security prison to kill a dangerous murderer who’s just been transferred there. Actually that’s the second boring half of the movie after the reasonably entertaining (in a ridiculous and violent way) set-up section. James Brolin is a hateful prison warden and Jim Varney has a surprising role as a survivalist weapons expert (he’s very entertaining at it). Nothing special, but could easily pass a couple of hours on tv. With Red West. It was begun by William Lustig.

EXPLORERS (1985 US) D: JOE DANTE W: ERIC LUKE P: EDWARD S. FELDMAN/DAVID BOMBYK A mysterious alien orb helps some kids (including Ethan Hawke and River Phoenix) take their home-made spaceship into space. They encounter goofy aliens who are afraid to come to Earth after what they’ve seen from our tv broadcasts. It’s a good sci-fi adventure for kids and younger teens. With Dick Miller, Danny Nucci, James Cromwell, Robert Picardo, Mary Kay Place and Rob Bottin FX. Video and tv versions have alternate footage.

EXPOSÉ (the house on straw hill; trauma) (1975 UK) D/W: JAMES KENELM CLARKE P: BRIAN SMEDLEYASTON Successful novelist Udo Kier hires Linda Hayden (from THE BLOOD ON SATAN’S CLAW) as his secretary/typist/assistant while staying at a remote cottage in the country. He has confusing, violent flashbacks and can’t have sex without wearing rubber gloves. She masturbates, tries to influence what he’s writing and kills a couple of would-be rapists in a cornfield. A surprise ending reveals her true motives in this pretty good erotic thriller (of sorts) that became a “video nasty” in the UK. With Karl Howman. Clarke usually made lighter sex comedies like LET’S GET LAID (1978).

EXPOSURE See: HIGH ART

EXQUISITE TENDERNESS (the surgeon; bestie im weiben hittel) (1994 CAN UK GER) D: CARL SCHENKEL W: PATRICK CIRILLO/BERNARD SLOANE P: ALAN BEATTIE/CHRIS CHESSER/WILLI BAER A deranged ex-doctor working on a regeneration fluid kills patients at a hospital (actually a real mental hospital in Vancouver). James Remar helps the heroine and Charles Dance’s lips are sewn shut (Steve Johnson FX). Peter Boyle is a cop and Malcolm McDowell isn’t in it for long, with Tery Rothery, Tom Heaton, Walter Marsh, Larry Musser, Veena Sood, Dee Jay Jackson, Andrew Wheeler, Matthew Bennett and a mad baboon. The opening b/w flashback set to the 50s novelty hit Lollipop is quite good, but this horror movie soon becomes boring and bad.

EXTE (2007 JPN) D/W: SION SONO W: MASAKI ADACHI/MAKOTO SANADA P: MAKOTO OKADA/ AKIO HATTORI Crazed morgue attendant and hair fetishist Ren Osugi steals the corpse of a female whose organs have been sold on the blackmarket. Somehow the body’s hair is still growing, at an alarming rate. Osugi presents it to a hair salon in the form of extensions, and this results in computer future with no ozone layer. “Fred Harris” (Fernando Bilbo) is the MAD MAX-inspired motorised villain leader who calls everyone “mother grabbers”. Some other guy is the anti-hero helping a little kid with a detachable bio-mechanical arm in this bad post-apocalyptic western. With “Alan Collins” (Luciano Pigozzi), Venantino Venantini, “Robert Warner” (Eduardo Fajardo) and Geoffredo Unger.

EXTRAMARITAL (1999 US) D: YAEL RUSSCOL W: DON O’HELVENY P: RICHARD PEPIN/JOSEPH MERHI Traci Lords (an executive producer) meets a married woman on a plane who’s having a wild affair. She starts interviewing her for an article for a magazine she writes for. The plot thickens of course, with murder. This erotic thriller is slow and predictable. With associate producer Jeff Fahey, Brian Bloom and Adam Kendrick.

EXTRATERRESTRIAL VISITORS See: POD PEOPLE

EXTRA WEIRD (2003) Here’s a dvd sampler from Something Weird Video with trailers for 60+ titles that have been made available on disc. In fact a handful of them are simply scenes from the movie in question, but some of my favourite real trailers are for BASKET CASE, BLOOD FEAST, THE BLOODY PIT OF HORROR, COLOR ME BLOOD RED (note first use of tagline later made famous [or a paraphrasing thereof] by STRAIT JACKET and LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT), DEADLY WEAPONS (“the biggest event in the history of motion pictures”), THE DEFILERS (“for shock-proof adults”), DOUBLE AGENT 73 (a very minimal ad), THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF ZORROR (a long edited highlights compilation), THE GRUESOME TWOSOME, SPACE THING (“Buck Rogers for the mature”), A TASTE OF BLOOD, TWO THOUSAND MANIACS! and THE WIZARD OF GORE (that H.G. Lewis sure did have some kick-ass trailers).

EXTREME HONOR (last line of defence 2; extremers) (2001 US) D/W: STEVE RUSH P: JEFFREY S. HARRIER A disgraced ex-Navy Seal needs $5m for a cancer research experiment that may save his kid’s life. He enlists the help of old service buddies (including Michael Madsen) and computer whizes at his new software job to rob mean billionaire Michael Ironside. Olivier Gruner is a villain and Martin Kove, Charles Napier and Antonio Fargas all have small parts. It’s a real shame that names like these can’t get better work than crap like this. With Sy Richardson, Grand L. Bush, Eward Albert Jr. and Sven-Ole Thorsen.

EXTREME JUSTICE (1993 US) D: MARK LESTER W/P: FRANK SACHS W: ROBERT BORIS Lou Diamond Phillips is a loose-cannon cop who is asked to join the S.I.S (Special Investigation Section), a low-profile police hit-squad who assassinate dangerous criminals off-the-record. They also shoot innocent civilians and let crimes happen before they move in. Chelsea Field is Phillips’ girlfriend and a newspaper reporter. With Yaphet Kotto, Scott Glenn, Andrew Divoff (WISHMASTER), Daniel Quinn and L. Scott Caldwell. It’s not such a good movie, but is interesting because it’s fact-based.

EXTREME LIMITS See: CRASH POINT ZERO

EXTREME OPS (ex; extremist) (2002 UK GER LUX) D: CHRISTIAN DUGUAY W: MICHAEL ZAIPAN/TIMOTHY SCOTT BOGART/MARK MULLIN P: MOSHE DIAMANT/ JAN FANTL Rufus Sewell takes a bunch of adrenaline junky teens and Olympic skier Bridgette Wilson to some mountainous snow-capped wasteland to film a dangerous avalanche-dodging slalom for a tv commercial. Terrorists figure in a plot secondary to all the snowboarding and stunt action. I think some critics were a bit harsh on this mindless action movie that delivers on what it advertises to its intended audience. Devon Sawa boasts a very stupid haircut. With Rupert Graves, Liliana Komorowska, Heino Ferch, Joe Absolom, Jama Pallaske, Jean-Pierre Castaldi, Klaus Lowitsch, Detlef Bother and Hiro Kanagawa. Filmed in Europe and Canada.

EXTREME PREJUDICE (double border) (1987 US) D: WALTER HILL W: DERIC WASHBURN/HARRY KLEINER/JOHN MILIUS/FRED REXER P: BUZZ FETISHANS Nick Nolte acts tough as a Texas Ranger at odds with his former friend Powers Boothe, now a Mexican drug baron with his own army. Maria Conchito Alonso is the woman in the middle. Michael Ironside is a DEA agent who leads a troop of secret soldiers thought to be dead (they rob a bank). The complicated plot all boils down to a violent WILD BUNCH rip-off ending in this pretty entertaining action movie from the director of THE WARRIORS. With William Forsythe, Clancy Brown, Tiny Lister, Rip Torn, Mickey Jones, Lin Shaye and Thomas Rosales Jr.

EXTREMERS See: EXTREME HONOR

EXTREMIST See: EXTREME OPS

EYE (1996) See: DEAD INNOCENT

THE EYE (gin gwai; jian gui; khon hen phi) (2002 HK THAI SING UK) D/W: OXIDE and DANNY PANG W: JO JO HUI P: PETER CHAN/LAWRENCE CHENG There are some good scares in this well-crafted horror hit about a blind female violinist who receives an eye transplant from an unknown donor and is able to see ghosts. With Angelica Lee, Lawrence Chow, Candy Lo and Wilson Yip. Filmed in HK and Thailand. Jessica Alba starred in the rubbish Hollywood remake (2008).

THE EYE 2 (gin gwai 2; jian gui 2; khon hen phi 2) (2004 HK THAI) D: OXIDE and DANNY PANG W: JOJO HUI/LAWRENCE CHENG P: PETER CHAN This deliberately confusing and unrelated “sequel” is quite a disappointment. Shu Qi stars as a depressed young woman in Hong Kong who starts seeing ghosts after a failed suicide attempt. Engaging throughout, but an utter let-down of a conclusion. With Eugenia Yan and Jedsaporn Pholdee. Filmed in HK, Thailand and Singapore. Eric Tsang was an executive producer. Followed by THE EYE 10.

EYEBALL See: THE SECRET KILLER

THE EYE CREATURES (attack of the the eye creatures) (1965 US) D/P: LARRY BUCHANAN W: ROB ERT GURNEY JR./AL MARTIN One of several Buchanan remakes for AIP, this is a (terrible) retread of INVASION OF THE SAUCER MEN. The (very different) men in blobby monster suits with gaping mouths and lots of eyes are pretty silly, and the day-for-night shots are outrageous. But it’s the awful, irritating comic relief that really sinks this junk. John Ashley is the “teen” hero, and Bill Thurman has a part. That’s Peter Graves’ voice narrating the USAF film at the beginning, by the way. The alternate (tv) title is not my typo.

AN EYE FOR AN EYE See: PSYCHOPATH

EYE OF THE DEVIL (13) (1966 UK) D: J. LEE THOMPSON W: ROBIN ESTRIDGE/DENNIS MURPHY P: JOHN CALLEY/MARTIN RANSOHOFF David Niven returns to his ancestral estate in rural France after the vineyard suffers a poor crop. His wife (Deborah Kerr) and children follow to discover some kind of occult ritual going on. Based on Philip Loraine’s novel Day of the Arrow, this supernatural thriller is well made and atmospheric, but is confusing and unresolved. With David Hemmings and Sharon Tate as a weird brother and sister who hang around, Donald Pleasence as a priest, Edward Mulhare (KNIGHT RIDER), Flora Robson and John Le Mesurier.

EYE OF THE EVIL DEAD See: MANHATTAN BABY

EYE OF THE KILLER (after alice) (1999 GER UK) D: PAUL MARCUS W: JEFF MILLER P: TINA STERN/ANDRE PAQUETTE/TOM KINNIMONT A cliché burntout divorcee detective (Kiefer Sutherland) tracks a serial killer who seems to have started killing again after a 10 year absence. Sutherland discovers that he has psychic powers, and there’s a “haunted” house in this watchable but derivative slice of cable-filler filmed in Canada.

EYES (1987) See: ANGUISH

EYE SEE YOU See: D-TOX

EYES OF A STRANGER (1980 US) D: KEN WIEDERHORN W: MARK JACKSON/ERIC L. BLOOM P: RONALD ZERRA A sweaty, obese creep may have raped blind Jennifer Jason Leigh as a child. Her sister tries to prove he did. A fiercely intelligent script with a shocking rape trauma ending and an overall sad world ambience puts this head-and-shoulders above most slasher films of the era. Tom Savini provides FX. Recommended.

EYES OF LAURA MARS (1978 US) D: IRVIN KIRSHNER W: JOHN CARPENTER/DAVID ZELAG GOODMAN P: JON PETERS Fashion photographer Faye Dunaway seems to have a psychic link with a serial killer slashing up her model friends. She sees the deaths but can’t quite place his identity. This major release psycho movie has become more interesting to watch with age (I like watching Brad Dourif), but it’s still not very good. With Tommy Lee Jones, Rene Auberjoinois, Raul Julia, Darlanne Fluegel, Bill Boggs and Robert Ridgely. Jack H. Harris was the executive producer. In a recent interview I read, Kirshner claims that Carpenter’s original script was more-or-less rewritten from scratch.

EYES OF THE LIVING DEAD See: MANSION OF THE DOOMED

EYES OF THE SPIDER (kumo no hitomi) (1997 JPN) D/W: KIYOSHI KUROSAWA W: YOIICHI NISHIAMA P: TSUTOMU TSUCHIKAWA/ATSUKI SHIMODA Sho Aikawa and his wife are slowly recovering after the kidnap and murder of their daughter six years earlier. After finding and killing the guy, Aikawa gets a job as an assassin for the yakuza. Dankan is his boss. Ren Osugi orders him to spy on Dankan. Some other guy who collects fossils orders him to kill him. Sususmu Terajima is credited but is nowhere in sight. Filmed back to back with the equally enigmatic SERPENT’S PATH, this slow-going puzzle-box with some similar elements is much less intriguing and more infuriating, despite some great moments.

EYES WIDE SHUT (1999 US UK) D/W/P: STANLEY KUBRICK W: STANLEY RAPHAEL Kubrick’s swansong (he died not long after completion) was a problem-plagued production based on Arthur Schnitzler’s novel Traumnovelle (or actually “inspired” by it). Tom Cruise is a well-off doctor and family man who suddenly becomes aware of his wife (then real-life spouse Nicole Kidman)’s sexual fantasies and psychological infidelity. To cut a long story short, he ends up under the thumb of a strange sex cult. And nothing happens, nothing at all. The first three quarters of its 160 mins running time is fairly entertaining (if slow) with the tension, mystery and suspense building up nicely. But only to have it go absolutely nowhere. Imagine the disappointment of a rollercoaster pulling itself up a large peak only to just level out at the top and you have a good idea of what EYES WIDE SHUT is like. A waste of time. With Sydney Pollack, Marie Richardson, Thomas Gibson, Rade Serbedzija and Alan Cumming. Original cast member Jennifer Jason Leigh’s footage was all scrapped and reshot with someone else.

EYES WITHOUT A FACE (the horror chamber of dr. faustus; occhi senza volto; les yeux sans visage) (1959 FRA ITL) D: GEORGES FRANJU W: CLAUDE SAUTET/THOMAS NARCEJAC/PIERRE BOILEAU/ PIERRE GASCAR Franju’s influential and much copied masterpiece is still the ultimate mad-surgeon-repairing-his-daughter’s-face horror movie. Pierre Brasseur is the surgeon, Alida Valli (excellent acting with her eyes) his assistant and Edith Scob the imprisoned daughter with that eerie mask. Deliberately paced and almost hypnotic, its an unique experience that all horror movie fans should see at least once. And let’s not forget that still surprising face transplant scene. With Alexandre Ringault, Calude Brasseur, Michel Etcheverry, Rene Genin, Marcel Peres, Max Montaron, beautiful b/w photography from Eugen Schufftan and an effective fairground music styled soundtrack from Maurice Jarre. Based on Jean Redon’s novel. Adapters Boileau-Narcejac were the writing team whose hit novels were the basis for DIABOLIQUE and VERTIGO.

EYES WITHOUT A FACE (1993) See: GLI OCCHI DENTRO

EYEWITNESS (1970) See: SUDDEN TERROR

F (2010 UK) D/W: JOHANNES ROBERTS P: PAUL BLACKNELL/ERNEST RIERA Faceless hoodies terrorise and kill characters stranded at an innercity secondary school at night. David Schofield stars as an alcoholic old-fashioned English teacher with family problems at odds with the new, scary generation. Not an awful film, and there’s something about reactionary Hoodies from Hell movies (EDEN LAKE, HARRY BROWN) that appeals to my sense of exploitation cinema history, but this just isn’t scary. It also seems longer than its brief 75 mins running time, and the ambiguous ending is just lazy. Good gore FX for a low-budget film, however.

THE FABULOUS JOURNEY TO THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH (when time began; viaje al centro de la tierra) (1976 SPN) D/W: JUAN PIQUER SIMON W: JOHN MELSON/CARLOS PUERTO This Jules Verne adaptation begins with footage from Méliès’ A TRIP TO THE MOON, and unveils its intentions to be a tribute to Verne, Méliès and the like. In Hamburg, 1898, Prof. Kenneth Moore gets the idea to travel to the Earth’s core through a volcano after reading Verne’s book! His daughter, her military fiancé and a sheepherder (Frank Brana) go with him. They encounter an aquatic reptile monster in an underground sea, giant turtles, a giant ape and Jack Taylor and his small, portable time machine. It’s not really very good. With José Maria Caffarel, Ricardo Palacios, George Rigaud, Luis Barboo, Fabian Conde, Barta Barri, Angel Alvarez and Angel Menendez. J.P. Simon’s other Verne adaptation was MONSTER ISLAND (1981).

THE FACE See: THE WASP WOMAN (1995)

THE FACE AT THE WINDOW (1939 UK) D: GEORGE KING W: RONALD FAYRE/A.R. RAWLINSON P: JULIUS HAGEN F. Brooke Warren wrote a play that had been filmed at least three times earlier, but trust King and Tod Slaughter to do it right. Slaughter is typically maniacal as the Parisian aristocrat who may or not be “The Wolf”, the killer whose face always appears outside windows. The wild ending involving the resurrection of the dead is prime stuff. With John Warwick, Aubrey Mallalieu, Bill Shine and Margaret Yarde.

FACELESS (les predateurs de la nuit; los depredadores de lan noche) (1988 FRA SPN) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO W: PIERRE RIPERT/JEAN MAZARIN/MICHEL LEBRUN W/P: “FRED CASTLE” (RENE CHATEAU) Guest star Telly Savalas hires ’nam vet PI Christopher Mitchum in America to find his missing cokehead model daughter Caroline Munro in Paris. She’s been kidnapped by voyeuristic surgeon Helmut Berger, and kept a prisoner in his plastic surgery clinic. Berger is trying to restore his sister’s beauty EYES WITHOUT A FACE-style following acid being thrown in her face. Ex-porno star Brigitte Lahaie is his nurse assistant and Howard Vernon plays a character called Orloff again. Anton Diffring (in his final role) is a former SS Officer who appears to help Berger. An operation scene is pretty gory with skin peeling. Stephanie Audran gets a syringe in the eye (like in DEAD AND BURIED). Franco has been remaking George Franju’s masterpiece since THE AWFUL DR. ORLOF back in 62. This version has gore, stupid and laughable dialogue, an annoying schmaltzy theme song (played several times) and an irredeemably sleazy atmosphere. Not to mention scenes filmed through a fish tank and a ridiculous stereotyped gay fashion designer (and his bodybuilder boyfriend Doo Doo). With Henri Poirier and Lina Romay… and they forgot to film an ending.

THE FACE OF ANOTHER (tanin no kao) (1966 JPN) D/P: HIROSHI TESHIGAHARA W: KOBO ABE Slow-moving but fascinating b/w psychological semi-horror look at a businessman (Tatsuya Nakada) with a terminally disfigured face who has another synthetic face made for him by a surgeon. Strange sparse sets and Hiroshi Segawa’s extraordinary photography lend themselves to the detached, dreamlike narrative of a man struggling with his identity. Flashbacks to an earlier postwar Tokyo ground these lyrical dilemmas in recent history and raise this overlooked gem to the status of a must-see for film historians. Toru Takemitsu’s soundtrack utilises Hitler speeches at points to unnerving effect. I don’t know who did the FX, but they are brilliant (even now, not just the time it was made). With Machiko Kyo, Kyoko Kishida, Eiji Okada, Monoru Chiaki, Etsuko Ichihara, Hisashi Igawa, Takemitsu and Kunie Tanaka. Like Teshigahara’s more famous WOMAN IN THE DUNES (1964) (also highly recommended), it’s based on an Abe novel (read them, too, and his unadaptable The Box Man).

FACE OF FEAR See: PEEPING TOM

THE FACE OF FEAR (1990 US) D: FARHAD MANN W: DEAN KOONTZ/ALAN JAY GLUECKMAN P: WILLIAM BEAUDINE JR. Pam Dawber and her psychic husband end up trapped in a multistorey office building, stalked by a serial killer (Kevin Conroy, the voice of the animated BATMAN) after he comes close to identifying him in visions. There are some suspenseful moments, as they have to abseil down the outside of the building to escape. The surprise ending is very predictable, though. With William Sadler and Bob Balaban. It’s based on a novel by executive producer Koontz. The producer is the son of legendary “One shot” Beaudine. Mann also made RETURN TO TWO MOON JUNCTION and LAWNMOWER MAN 2.

THE FACE OF FU MANCHU (ich, dr. fu manchu) (1965 UK W.GER) D: DON SHARP W/P: “PETER WELBECK” (HARRY ALAN TOWERS) Christopher Lee dons yellowface makeup for his role as diabolical Chinese criminal mastermind Dr. Fu Manchu (created by Sax Rohmer) for the first time in this Euro series. He has a headquarters beneath the Thames river in London (it was actually filmed in Dublin, Ireland) and holds scientist Wolf Rilla (and his daughter Karin Dor from BLOOD DEMON) prisoner while he develops a poison gas. Nigel Green is the hero, Scotland Yard detective Nayland Smith, who foils Manchu’s plans for world domination; Tsai Chin (who was in INVASION) is Manchu’s daughter/ assistant. With Joachim Fuchsberger, James Robertson Justice and Howard Marion-Crawford. I never much liked this movie as it aims more for (then trendy) James Bond territory than old serial-style thrills. Four sequels began with THE BRIDES OF FU MANCHU.

FACE OF THE SCREAMING WEREWOLF (la casa del terror) (1959/64 MEX US) D/W: GILBERTO MARTINEZ SLOARZ D/P: JERRY WARREN W/P: FERNANDO DE FUENTES D: ED WOOD (?) Seeing multiple director credits, Warren’s name and confused release dates on a Mexican film from the late-50s/early 60s is usually a sign of trouble. At least cut’n’paste maestro (!) Warren delivered an entertaining mess with this import. Rosana Arenas is hypnotised with a spiral by some doctors and we learn that in her past life she used to perform ceremonies at a Mayan temple. She’s taken to the temple and hypnotised further. The expedition finds two mummies, one played by Lon Chaney Jr. and another one edited in from THE AZTEC MUMMY! Both are taken back to the city for a demonstration and then things get confusing. The Aztec mummy escapes and Lon ends up in a wax museum/laboratory where doctors put him in a metal pressure capsule and a big machine that spins him around. He’s not a mummy at this point, but soon transforms into a werewolf! What? He escapes and carries a woman up the side of a building (in a sequence that in all likelihood was shot by Edward D. Wood Jr.). The ending has him biting a doctor’s neck (there’s a brief bloody shot) before dying in a lab fire. Note Mexican comedian Tin Tan/German Valdez (the original star) in his few remaining scenes as a wax museum caretaker that weren’t cut out. A radio announcer attempts (and fails) to make sense of it all. With Ramon Gay, Alfredo Wally Barron, Oscar Ortiz Depinedo and Jorge Mondrago. I wonder what original director Solarz thought of the Jerry Warren touch brought to his movie? In b/w.

FACES OF DEATH (junk) (1978 JPN US) D/W: “CONAN LE CILAIRE”/”ALAN BLACK” (JOHN ALAN SCHWARTZ) P: WILLIAM B. JAMES/ROSILYN T. SCOTT This infamous, ironic bad taste mondo movie is mostly faked but pretty enjoyable and fascinating. Dr. Francis B. Gross (Michael Carr) narrates. A staged electric chair execution and a hilarious faked alligator attack scene are highlights. Horrible aeroplane crash carnage is very real. Apparently this outgrossed STAR WARS at the box office for 13 weeks in Japan when first released. It was a hit on video in the rest of the world a few years later. It was a “video nasty” in the UK.

FACES OF DEATH 2 (junk 2) (1981 JPN US) D/W: “CONAN LE CILAIRE”/“ALAN BLACK” (JOHN ALAN SCHWARTZ) P: ROSILYN T. SCOTT Dr. Francis B. Gross (Michael Carr) dons some natty threads and shades, gets out of his “laboratory”, rides a motorbike and even participates in an Easter egg hunt (!) as he hosts this sequel. The difference from the original is that apart from a faked-looking PCP addict hostage situation, everything else is real. This includes a look at third degree burn victims, accidents on the autobahn, stunts gone wrong, rodeo bullriders (a man is trampled underfoot as an upbeat jew’s harp is plucked on the soundtrack!), air and train disasters, animal cruelty, victims of napalm attack, weapons of war (“one colossal suicide pact”) etc. Neither grisly enough for today’s jaded viewers (though it does have its moments) nor as funny as the audacious original was.

FACES OF DEATH 3 (fear; junk 3) (1985 US JPN) D/W/P: JOHN ALAN SCHWARTZ Frances B. Gross shows us some more faces of death, this time mostly faked like in the original (but less amusing). The hilarious highlight is when they try to convince us that a skydiver has drifted off-course after opening his parachute, only to land in a nearby alligator farm (!) like something out of a cartoon! Some brief segments were already in FACES OF DEATH 2.

FACES OF DEATH 4 (1990 US JPN) D/W: JOHN ALAN SCHWARTZ D/P: SUSUMU SAEGUSA/ANDREW THEOPOLIS Dr. Louis Flellis continues to investigate death in this ridiculous mixture of real and faked footage. At one point while showing some gory crime scene photos Flellis exclaims “when friends or colleagues of mine start spouting off about divine goodness or the beauty of life, I take out these photos. That usually shuts them up!” It ends with footage of an orchestra stage collapsing (in real-life no one was hurt) plus tacked-on extended extras showing fake mutilated musicians while a Faces of Death song plays on the soundtrack! It was banned in Germany due to its flippant attitude.

FACES OF DEATH PART 5 (199?) D/W/P: JOHN ALAN SCHWARTZ (hiding under the same old pseudonyms) This pathetic one-hour tape starts with an extended look at the ridiculous alligator/crocodile farm and parachutist debacle from part three (“Oh shit, look what they done to him” is one unconvincing offscreen line) and then dishes out a lot of stuff that’s been seen in the previous entries. Unconvincing fakes include a hostage situation in a mental hospital and a cult’s “educational” snuff tape. This is not to be confused with a German FACES OF DEATH 5, and likewise there are conflicting part sixes. There’s also a FACES OF DEATH 7.

FACE TO FACE (faccia a faccia; cara a cara) (1967 ITL SPN) D/W: SERGIO SOLLIMA W: SERGIO DONATI P: ALBERTO GRIMALDI/ARTURO GONZALEZ Gian Maria Volonte is an educated, pacifist humanitarian who gives up a teaching position, and heads west for his health. Along the way he’s kidnapped by wanted Mexican outlaw Tomas Milian, the leader of a poor group of bandits. Initially at odds with Milian’s violent ways, Volonte soon finds himself drawn to the darker animal instincts inside him, becoming more cold-blooded and less noble in his actions than Milian, and usurps his power as bandit leader. An above average western that doesn’t, however, deserve its classic status, its thoughtful musings on the beast within men being none too subtle, coming across as an overwrought bit of preaching that drowns out the story at hand. Good, but not that good. It’s actually one of those rare cases where a cut version (a UK release that ran about 15 mins shorter) played better. With William Berger, “Rick Boyd” (Federico Boido), Frank Brana, Aldo Sambrell, Gianni Rizzo, Angel Del Pozo, “Ted Carter” (Nello Pazzafini), Antonio Casa, Giovanni Ivan Scrutaglia, Lorenzo Robledo and Geoffredo Unger. Ennio Morricone provides a great score. Sollima’s other westerns were THE BIG GUNDOWN and RUN, MAN, RUN.

THE FACULTY (parasite) (1998 US) D/P: ROBERT RODRIGUEZ W: KEVIN WILLIAMSON/DAVID WECHTER/ BRUCE KIMMEL P: ELIZABETH AVELLAN A water parasite with teeth enters and controls teachers at a high school and makes them kill. Teens (Elijah Wood, Clea DuVall, Laura Harris, Jordana Brewster, Josh Hartnett and Shawn Hatosy) save the day and get chased by monsters in this pretty good THING rip-off. Robert Patrick, Salma Hayek, Bebe Neuwrith, Piper Laurie and Famke Janssen are the teachers. With Summer Phoenix, Christopher MacDonald, Usher Raymond, Jon Stewart, Daniel Von Barger, Jon Abrahams, Danny Masterson and Eric Jungmann.

FADE TO BLACK (1980 US) D/W: VERNON ZIMMERMAN P: GEORGE G. BRAUNSTEIN/RON HAMADY Dennis Christopher may remind you of a pathetic young Roddy McDowall as a wimpy young film nerd who works in a cinema warehouse in Venice, CA and lives with his mean wheelchair-bound aunt (actually his mother, who blames him for her affliction and complains about his constant old movie watching/ buying/quoting). After an Australian Marilyn Monroe lookalike accidentally stands him up and a mean co-worker (Mickey Rourke!) refuses to pay up on a trivia bet, he cracks and dresses up as various characters (like a cowboy or vampire etc.) while killing. Tim Thomerson is a psychiatrist/social worker for the cops who tries to understand him while the police just blow him away in the terrible WHITE HEAT homage finale. Awful and pretty irritating to boot.

FAHRENHEIT 451 (1966 UK) D/W: FRANCOIS TRUFFAUT W: JEAN-LOUIS RICHARD P: LEWIS M. ALLEN Truffaut’s first film in colour (shot by Nicolas Roeg), and his first (and last) in the English-language is an adaptation of Ray Bradbury’s 1953 post-Nineteen Eighty-Four dystopian novel. Oskar Werner is a fireman in the near future whose job it is to burn books, outlawed by the state (in a nice touch, the opening credits are read out, not written). Julie Christie has a dual role as both his tv-and-pill-addicted wife, and a neighbour who turns him onto the forbidden written word. What Truffaut brings to the story, and what makes it a classic of its kind, are the subtly surreal, blackly comic touches (I think it must have inspired the cult classic tv show The Prisoner, which debuted the following year). The memorable ending features “the book people” in the snow. That monorail by the way, was a real, decommissioned test track near Orleans (it has since been taken away, worse luck). With Cyril Cusack, Anton Diffring (spot his brief dual role in drag), Michael Balfour and little Mark Lester. Bernard Herrmann provides the score. Truffaut’s next was the Cornell Woolrich adaptation, THE BRIDE WORE BLACK (1968, also written by Richard).

FAIL-SAFE (1964 US) D: SIDNEY LUMET W: WALTER BERNSTEIN P: MAX E. YOUNGSTEIN It’s over two b/w hours of talk and more talk, but don’t miss this intelligent and exciting dissection of events after a computer malfunction sends a US plane loaded with nukes to Moscow. Preachy in parts, but remains just as relevant as the comic absurdism of DR. STRANGELOVE. Henry Fonda is the President. Walter Matthau is a dangerous modernist warmonger. With Larry Hagman, Dan O’Herlihy, Fritz Weaver, Dana Elcar and Dom De Luise (!). Based on Eugene Burdick and Harvey Wheeler’s novel. Remade over 35 years later.

FAIT ACCOMPLI (voodoo dawn; black heart) (1998 US) D: ANDRZEJ SEKULA W: DAVID BAER/JOHN McMAHON P: SEAN ENTIN/DAVID C. GLASSER/SCOTT TIANO Michael Madsen is an ex-con underworld figure who learned voodoo magic in jail. Rosanna Arquette is one of his women on the run from his New Orleans strip bar/HQ with a bag of money that’s been cursed by a voodoo priestess. She hides out in the home of recently paroled Balthazar Getty, who has hallucinations about a younger brother who died in a car accident. This very slow and broody thriller doesn’t really go into the voodoo angle much, and the rest of it is overfamiliar and unimaginative. Pretty much a chore to sit through really. With James Russo. Sekula is a respected cinematographer who shot things like RESERVIOR DOGS and AMERICAN PSYCHO. He also directed HYPERCUBE: CUBE 2.

FAKE See: DONNIE BRASCO

FALCON DOWN (2000 US) D: PHILLIP J. ROTH W: JONATHAN RAYMOND Dale Midkiff is forced into helping the CIA steal an advanced aircraft super weapon that may have been designed by aliens. Post-BLAIR WITCH documentary-look interviews intercut with the main story and try to make it more interesting. It doesn’t work. William Shatner is a villain, with Judd Nelson, Jennifer Rubin and Cilff Robertson.

FALL BREAK See: THE MUTILATOR

FALLEN KNIGHT See: THE MINION

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER (house of usher) (1960 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: RICHARD MATHESON P: SAMUEL Z. ARKOFF The first hit entry in Corman’s Poe cycle is an excellent, effective and sometimes surreal adaptation. Vincent Price stars, with Mark Damon as the young hero finding out about dark family secrets and premature burial. Floyd Crosby’s photography and Daniel Haller’s art direction combine for some truly classic moments of delirium. THE PIT AND THE PENDLUM was the equally great follow up.

FALLOUT (1998 US) D: RODNEY McDONALD W: CHRISTOPHER BENNET BREMBLE P: ASHOK AMRITRAJ/ ANDREW STEVENS Frank Zagarino is a Soviet Space Commander who holds other astronauts hostage at a space station in the year 2015. He wants Russian troops to leave his home country which they’ve occupied or he’ll detonate satellites within the Earth’s atmosphere. The fallout will kill lots of people. Daniel Baldwin is the anti-hero who pilots the X-33 space shuttle (that can take off from a runway like a plane) to the space station and saves the day. It’s ok I guess. With Hannes Jaenicke and a very abrupt ending. The producers have used the same plot in varying locations for the likes of CRASH DIVE and STRATEGIC COMMAND.

THE FALL: PERVERTED BY LANGUAGE/BIS (1983 UK) The Fall (from the Salford/Manchester area) were (and still are) a great band that sprang from the punk era and put out one outstanding record after another that took their sound further and further away from their more straightforward contemporaries, but without sacrificing a raw energy that most other acts began polishing off. This video compilation (now available on dvd with a LIVE AT LEEDS gig) made around 1983 (some footage is older) is a mixture of extremely cheap music videos and live footage (Totally Wired). It’s great for fans to have this (and to see a happy-looking frontman Mark E. Smith, with his then-wife and guitarist Brix, from America), but the only trouble with The Fall is that they’ve advanced so much in the 20 years plus, that this material (which some consider their finest era) has long been overshadowed by greater records of theirs. I still love Eat Y’Self Fitter (“up the stairs mister”) though, and Container Drivers (seen at the end with news footage and clippings). Smith is interviewed, and some of his poetry is read by Lenah Pelley (from EAT THE RICH). Just over 50 mins.

FALSE WITNESS See: ZIGZAG

THE FAMILY (1970) See: VIOLENT CITY

FAMILY ENFORCER See: DEATH COLLECTOR

FAMILY PLOT (1976 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: ERNEST LEHMAN Hitchcock’s final film is far from his best, but is ok and reasonably enjoyable (if overlong). Barbara Harris is a fake medium hired to find a wealthy family’s missing heir. Bruce Dern is her accomplice. They inadvertently get mixed up in the affairs of bigtime kidnappers and diamond thieves William Devane and Karen Black. With Ed Lauter, Cathleen Nesbitt, Katherine Helmond, William Prince and, of course, a Hitchcock cameo.

THE FAN (1996 US) D: TONY SCOTT W: PHOEFF SUTTON P: WENDY FINERMAN Robert DeNiro is a down-on-his-luck knife salesman and baseball obsessive (and Rolling Stones fan) who worships new Giants batter Wesley Snipes (who’s just been paid a small fortune). When Snipes hits a bad patch, the scary DeNiro tries to help him out by killing glory-hogging wonder kid Benicio Del Toro. The increasingly deranged psycho turns on Snipes when he feels he doesn’t get the recognition he deserves. Based on Peter Abraham’s novel, this very slick and stylish thriller keeps you interested throughout and has very evocative use of visuals and music, but at the end of its long 110 mins+ running time it all feels a little bit empty and unsatisfying. With Ellen Barkin as a radio DJ, John Leguizamo as Snipes’ manager, Patti D’Arbanville-Quinn as DeNiro’s ex, Chris Mulkey, Kurt Fuller, Frank Medrano, Don C. Davis, M.C. Gainey, Stanley DeSantis, Jack Black, Richard Riehle and John Carroll Lynch.

FANATIC See: THE LAST HORROR FILM

FANATICAL EXTREME See: THE LAST HORROR FILM

FANGS (snakes; holy wednesday) (1974 US) D/W/P: ARTHUR A. NAMES W/P: JOHN T. WILSON Wednesday is usually a big day for eccentric, cantankerous old small-town snake handler Snakey Bender (Les Tremayne). For a start, it’s the day that all the schoolchildren bring him mice and lizards to feed his snakes. Later on in the evening he enjoys drinking and listening to marching band music (!) on LP, with the sheriff (particularly Philip Sousa’s Stars And Stripes Forever). Later on it’s over to a female teacher’s house, who seems to get off sexually by having a snake put around her neck while Snakey watches! Christian do-gooder Marvin Kaplan and some mean local grocery store-owning couple conspire to put an end to Snakey’s fun, so it’s time for revenge involving the snakes. From beginning to oddball ending, this is a thoroughly weird and unpredictable movie for those of you seeking out something different. With David Bond. Names and Wilson both previously worked on the screenplays for Ted V. Mikels’ GIRL IN GOLD BOOTS and THE BLACK KLANSMAN (1966)!

FANGS (vicious) (2001 US) D: KELLY SANDEFUR W: JIM GEOGHAN P: KENNETH BURKE/BARI CARRELLI Genetically engineered bats escape from an university science centre and attack and kill people in a small town. Cop Tracy Nelson and the local vet try to warn the locals, but crooked real estate developer Corbin Bernsen and the corrupt sheriff don’t want to scare people away from the annual apple blossom dance. Light, comedic teen-appeal JAWS-inspired filler that is at least better than BATS (and inspired by Guy N. Smith’s terrible trashy paperback Bats Out of Hell, perhaps?). With Mark L. Taylor and Tony Longo. Geoghan was also a co-producer.

FANTASIA (gwai mak kwong seung kuk; gui ma kuang xiang zu) (2003 HK) D/W/P: WAI KA-FAI W: AU KIN YEE This very bizarre fantasy comedy homage to earlier hit movies (primarily the ultra-popular THE PRIVATE EYES) was probably too steeped in local film culture for me to totally get or understand it, and I saw it when it was brand new with some very confusing English fan subtitles. But despite all this I had a great time and there are a good few belly laughs. I think when Louis Koo stuffs his face with mah jong pieces is my favourite image. I’m not even going to attempt to convey the (not really important) plot, but it involves Cecilia Cheung as a genie who’s dressed like Harry Potter. Lau Ching-Wan costars. With Jordan Chan, Franci Ng, Christy Chung, Charlene Choi, Gillian Chung, Ronnie Cheung, Eric Kot, Wong You Man, Tats Lau Yi-dat, Cheung Tat-Ming and Law-Koon Lay. It was the big HK New Year’s movie for 2004.

THE FANTASTIC DISAPPEARING MAN See: THE RETURN OF DRACULA

THE FANTASTIC FOUR (1993 US) D: OLEY SASSONE W: CRAIG S. NEVIUS/KEVIN ROCK P: STEVE RABINER Roger Corman’s New Horizons made this cheap superhero quickie so that German executive producer Bernd Eichinger could retain the rights to the Marvel Comics characters (he backed both recent blockbuster hits). It was considered so bad that Corman didn’t even release it. It is available on bootleg tapes and internet downloads, and it’s not that bad. Alex Hyde-White, Rebecca Staab, Jay Underwood and Michael Bailey Smith’s shuttle launch into space is sabotaged by Dr. Doom (Joseph Culp). But after the explosion they all develop special powers (none too convincing FX are used). White is the elasticated Mr. Fantastic, Staab becomes Invisible Girl, Underwood The Human Torch and Smith is replaced by Carl Ciarfalio in a monster suit as The Thing. It’s pretty silly and knows it, so is kind of fun. With George Gaynes. An animated FOUR tv series debuted the following year. FANTASTIC FOUR (2005) and 4: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER (2007) were mostly juvenile wasted opportunities (and huge budgets).

THE FANTASTIC PLANET (planet of incredible teachers; la planete sauvage; divoka planeta) (1973 FRA CZE ANIMATED) D/W: RENE LALOUX W: STEVE HAYES/ROLAND TOPOR P: S. DAMIAN/ANATOLE DAUMAN/A. VALIO-CAVAGLIONE A small human child grows up a pet to a big alien child in this brilliant, unique animated feature. The rebellious human brings education to his race and provokes a revolution. But no plot synopsis can do this one justice, you must see it for yourself. The wealth of imagination on show is effortlessly impressive and the animation is top-notch. Based on a novel called Oms en série by Steffan Wu. This review refers to a subtitled version, but an English dub is narrated by Barry Bostwick. Highly recommended.

FANTASTIC VOYAGE (microscopia; strange journey) (1966 US) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: HARRY KLEINER P: SAUL DAVID In one of the most famous and memorable sci-fi films of all time, a group of scientists in a nuclear powered submarine are shrunk to microscopic size and injected into a dying scientist so they can repair a blood clot in his brain. They are attacked by the human immune system. Donald Pleasence is the evil spy trying to destroy the mission. Stephen Boyd and Raquel Welch are the stars, with Edmond O’Brien, Arthur O’Connell, William Redfield, Arthur Kennedy, James Brolin and Jean del Val. Classic stuff, based on a story by Otto Kelement and Jay Lewis Bixby. A FANTASTIC VOYAGE tv series debuted in 1968, and in 1987 Joe Dante remade it as INNERSPACE.

FANTASY MISSION FORCE (the dragon attack; mai lei dak gung dui; mi ni te gong dui) (1983 TAI) D: CHU YEN PING P: SHEN HSIAO YIN This off-thewall piece of filmmaking (which copies 1968’s THE SECRET WAR OF HARRY FRIGG) from the always interesting Ping makes little sense but remains thoroughly enjoyable. Generals from various countries (including Abraham Lincoln and someone called Robert Forster) are captured by the Japanese during WWII (I think, the time period and locations are very confused). When 007 Roger Moore, Karl Maka from ACES GO PLACES and Rocky aren’t available, Lieutenant Wang Yu is called in to assemble a team of Commandos to rescue them. Chang Ling (WOLF DEVIL WOMAN) and Lin Ching Hsia (aka Brigitte Lin) are the female stars of this daft action comedy that also features Jackie Chan cameos, a haunted house, martial arts and even musical routines. With Suen Yuet, Adam Cheng, Lee Kwan, Paul Chang Chung, Chen Hung Lieh and Cheng Fu Hung.

FANTOMAS (1964 FRA ITL) D: ANDRE HUNEBELLE W: JEAN HALAIN/PIERRE FOUCAUD P: CYRIL GRIZE This lightweight but reasonably entertaining crime comedy is based on a series of novels created by Pierre Souvestre and Marcel Allain. Fantomas (Jean Marais) is a clever jewel thief who can create his own synthetic skin face masks (it probably inspired DARKMAN) and wears a bald blue one (with an alien look to it). He can also replicate fingerprints. A cop and a journalist (who he frames) try to catch him, but the anti-hero escapes in a minisubmarine at the end. With Bernard Masson, Dominique Zardi, Andre Badin, Philippe Castelli, Michel Castelli, Henri Coutet, Louis De Funes, Mylene Demongeot, Jacques Dynam, Robert Dalban, Henri Attal, Pierre Collet, Andre Dumas, Raymond Pellegrin and Andre Tainsy. There were two sequels in 1965 and 1967.

FANTOM KILER (1998 UK) D: “ROMAN NOWICKI” (TREVOR BARLEY) Britain’s Media Publications horror and exploitation mail order specialist and Eurofest organiser Trevor Barley hired Polish and Russian actors to speak in their native language so that he could pass off this UK lensed digital video production as Polish! It’s mostly naked women being stabbed in the vagina or having to walk around on all fours as a masked killer stalks. “Comic relief” (?) is supplied by a couple of misogynistic cleaners and a female assistant with a wooden spoon in her arsehole. The interiors were shot in a warehouse in London and very brief exterior footage was collected in Poland. Two sequels followed the same trend.

FAREWELL AFRICA See: AFRICA ADDIO

FAREWELL, MY LOVELY (1975 UK) D: DICK RICHARDS W: DAVID ZELAG GOODMAN P: GEORGE PAPPAS/JERRY BRUCKHEIMER/ELLIOTT KASTNER/ JERRY BLACK Robert Mitchum is Philip Marlowe in this fine, moody Raymond Chandler adaptation. With Charlotte Rampling, John Ireland, Sylvia Miles, Jack O’Halloran, Anthony Zerbe, Harry Dean Stanton, Cheryl “Rainbeux” Smith, Joe Spinnell, Sylvester Stallone, Jim Thompson, Ted Gehring, Logan Ramsey, John Shawlec, Susan Stewart (from MANTIS IN LACE) and Billy Benedict. Earlier versions of the story were MURDER MY SWEET (1944) and THE FALCON TAKES OVER (1942). My favourite line of dialogue is “the ceiling’s the limit”. Michael Winner followed it up with his THE BIG SLEEP (1978) remake. Screenwriter Goodman also wrote STRAW DOGS, LOGAN’S RUN and EYES OF LAURA MARS, and Richards directed the underrated western THE CULPEPPER CATTLE CO.

FAREWELL TO THE ARK (goodbye ark; saraba hakobune) (1982 JPN) D/W: SHUJI TERAYAMA W: RIO KISHIDA P: KYOKO KOUJO/SHIRO SASAKI/FUJIO SUNAOKA Terayama was on his death-bed (he died in 83) when he made this great, surreal feature that manages to sustain the interest normally found in some of his better short films (his features such as PASTORAL often feel overlong and indulgent). Tsutomu Yamazaki and Mayumi Ogawa are married cousins, the scandal and butt of jokes in their village (stranded in some undefined, ancientseeming time period). He stabs Yoshio Harada after a cockfight, and begins to lose his memory of things while talking to Harada’s ghost. Meanwhile Ogawa wants to remove her chastity belt. Villagers argue about having more than one clock in the village. There’s a great, intense Butoh-like dance ceremony. It’s more than a little difficult to convey its sublime charms on paper. If a more recognised cult director like Jodorowsky had made it, it would be much more well known. Shot in Okinawa, and based on Garcia Marquez’s novel A Hundred Years of Solitude. Beautifully shot by Tatsuo Suzuki, and with a score from Terayama veteran “J.A. Seazer”. With Renji Ishibashi, Hitomi Takahashi, Eisei Amamoto, Hosei Komatsu, Seiji Miyaguchi, Hiroshi Mikami and some joker calling himself “Salvator Tari”. Recommended.

FAREWELL UNCLE TOM (addio zio tom; zio tom; uncle tom) (1971 ITL) D/W/P: GUALTIERO JACOPETTI/FRANCO E. PROSPERI After AFRICO ADDIO, the same documentary filmmakers returned with this, their penultimate and most controversial feature. It’s a dramatic reconstruction, but a final on-screen message explains that because it’s based on real-life events and people, it should be considered a documentary. Jacopetti and Prosperi (their voices are heard) somehow take a helicopter back in time to an America where black slaves are treated like animals. They must eat from a trough and are regularly beaten, killed, raped and humiliated. Regardless of how accurately the conditions are portrayed (although Jacopetti and Prosperi are a little overzealous, I’d be inclined to believe most of it), what makes this such a jawdropping, tasteless oddity is that much of it is played for laughs, with both evil whitey and the slaves portrayed in the most cartoonish ways. I’ve heard it being defended as satire, but it’s pretty broad and tiresome after a while. The best (!) part is the ending in which a modern-day black guy reads The Confessions of Nat Turner (about a slave who led an uprising) and imagines slaughtering the white people he sees around him with an axe to rock music. It was filmed in Louisiana and Haiti. Originaly around 130 mins long, the version I saw was 120. Jacopetti and Prosperi’s final collaboration was the weird imagery-filled MONDO CANDIDO (1975).

FARGO (1996 US) D/W/P: JOEL and ETHAN COEN A “true story” from 1987 gets the Coen treatment. Chatty Steve Buscemi and brooding Peter Stormare are hired by down-on-his-luck car salesman William H. Macy to kidnap his wife for the insurance. Father-in-law Harve Presnell is supposed to stump up the cash. Frances McDormand (who got an Oscar) is the pregnant investigating cop. Joel also won an Oscar for another effortless, deadpan Coen classic. With The Artist Formerly Known As Prince credited as “victim in field,” John Carroll Lynch, and see if you can spot Bruce Campbell as a soap star on a tv screen. THE BIG LEBOWSKI was next.

THE FARM See: THE CURSE

FAR WEST STORY See: J AND S

FASHION HELL X (horny house of horror) (2010 JPN) D/W: JUN TSUGITA P: HIDEOMI NAGAHAMA/ SHIN HAYASAKA Three guys go to a cheap brothel called Shogun, where the girls relieve customers of their penises in violent ways (i.e. biting into a sushi dick roll). Unfunny and unsexy cheap gore comedy (indebted to Takao Nakano) has a few surprises not worth waiting for, and wastes the sultry talents of three adult video actresses (Saori Hara, also in 3D SEX AND ZEN, Mint Suzuki and Asami) who have done good dick-stiffening work in their regular gigs. Released outside Japan as part two of the Nippon Splattererotics series (between THE BIG TITS DRAGON and EROTIBOT). Tsugita also made LOVE SONG FOR A RAPPER (2003).

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS (1954 US) D: JOHN IRELAND/EDWARDS SAMPSON W: JEROME ODLUM/ JEAN HOWELL W/P: ROGER CORMAN Ireland is a trucker in the run down-South after being falsely accused of forcing another guy’s rig off the road and killing him. He kidnaps Dorothy Malone in her sports car and enters a race (which allows no women drivers because it’s too dangerous) so he can escape into Mexico. This pretty good little picture was the second from Corman’s short-lived Palo Alto company (after MONSTER FROM THE OCEAN FLOOR) and the first released by ARC (soon to become the highly successful AIP). Bruno VeSota is in the opening scene. With Iris Adrain, Jonathan Haze, Snub Pollard, Henry Rowland and Howell and Corman. There’s also lots of rear-projection and photography from Floyd Crosby.

FAST COMPANY (fireball) (1978 CAN) D/W: DAVID CRONENBERG W/P: COURTNEY SMITH W: PHIL SAVATH/ ALAN TREEN P: MICHAEL LEBOWITZ/PETER O’BRIAN Made between RABID and THE BROOD, here’s a Cronenberg drag-racing flick. William Smith is the ageing dragster champion whose pit crew and colleagues are sponsored by oil company Fast Co. John Saxon is at his bad guy best as the conniving company representative who doesn’t care about racing or the racers, causes trouble and even conspires murder. It’s not typical Cronenberg for the fans, but I really enjoyed this and it has a surprising revenge ending. With Don Francks and Nicholas Campbell. Might make a good double bill with Jack Hill’s PIT STOP.

FASTER (2010 US) D: GEORGE TILLMAN JR. W: JOE GAYTON W/P: TONY GAYTON P: LIZ GLOTZER/MARTIN SHAFER/ROBERT TEITEL Hardcase Dwayne Johnson is released from a maximum security prison only to immediately jump into a souped-up Chevelle and hunt down and kill the men who killed his brother for bank heist money. This kicks off like it might be a superior revenge flick with an edge, but gets less fun and more tiresome and predictable as it progresses. The shoehorned inclusion of a wealthy driven hitman character (Oliver Jackson-Cohen) in order to complete the GOOD, BAD, UGLY triad (along with junky cop Billy Bob Thornton) was a particularly bum note. Also, I’m all for a serious big-budget B movie with darker hues, but there’s a lot of dodgy material here (child abuse, addiction etc.) that doesn’t really belong as filler in what’s essentially a popcorn action movie. The ridiculous plot holes are a minor quibble compared to that. With Carla Gugino, Maggie Grace, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Xander Berkeley, Tom Berenger, Jennifer Carpenter, Mike Epps, Courtney Gains and Jim Gaines. Clint Mansell provides the score when it’s not (well chosen) oldies, including Guido and Maurizio De Angelis’ Goodbye My Friend from STREET LAW! Tillman also directed NOTORIOUS (2009) about Biggie Smalls.

FAST GUN (commando fighter) (1987 US) D/W/P: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO W: FRED BAILEY/JOE MARI AVELLANA A military armoury is robbed. The culprits are also business partners with a respected yet corrupt authority figure in a small town. Said small town’s Sheriff has to kick some ass. Another unwatchable Santiago turd. With Ken Metcalfe and Brenda Bakke.

FASTER, PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! (1965 US) D/W/P: RUSS MEYER W: JACK MORAN P: EVE MEYER Meyer’s most famous is an ahead-of-its-time classic and the best car-racing-go-go-dancers-in-the-desert crime movie ever made. As you probably know, Tura Satana, Haji and Lori Williams are the bad girls who break a guy’s back, kidnap his snivelling girl and try to find an old cripple (Stuart Lancaster)’s stash of cash while giving us plenty of cleavage, scenery chewing and uttering fascinating dialogue (“see you girls in church”). There’s no actual nudity, it’s in b/w, has trademark Meyer photography and editing and a great theme tune by The Bostweeds. Essential viewing.

FAST-WALKING (1980 US) D/W/P: JAMES B. HARRIS James Woods stars as Fast-Walking Miniver, a corrupt prison guard in this adaption of Ernest Brawley’s novel The Rap. You may have never heard of it, or read uninspiring reviews, but this minor exploitation classic blew me away when I first caught it unexpectedly on late-night tv. It has lots of sex, violence and black humour so is usually cut on tv, but watch it anyway, With Kay Lenz, M. Emmet Walsh, Susan Tyrrell, Robert Hooks, Timothy Craey and Sidney Lassick. Woods returned in Harris’ interesting COP.

FATAL BEAUTY (1987 US JPN) D: TOM HOLLAND W: HILLARY HENKIN/DEAN REISNER/BILL SUANDE P: LEONARD KROLL Whoopi Goldberg is a wisecracking cop who wages war against drug-dealers (led by Harris Yulin) manufacturing a lethal crack called Fatal Beauty in this not bad action thriller that was cut for violence (in theatres) and an interracial love scene with Sam Elliott (from the video). Brad Dourif (in Holland’s CHILD’S PLAY) plays a gun-toting thug with silly hair. With Ruben Blades, Cheech Marin, John P. Ryan, James LeGros, Belinda Mayne (ALIEN 2), Celestey Yarnall, Mark Pellegrino, Larry Hankin and M.C. Gainey.

FATAL CLAWS, DEADLY KICKS See: THE WOMAN AVENGER

FATAL CONFLICT (the prey; crasher 2029) (2000 CAN CZE) D/P: LLOYD A. SIMANDL W: CHRIS HYDE I eagerly await the day that Simandl stops making films. This waste of video shelf space has spy Kari Wuhrer escaping from a diamond mine where girls crawl around in skimpy outfits (footage seen in several other Simandl productions) onto a ship piloted by villain Leo Rossi and his sister Jennifer Rubin. Wuhrer manages to convince Miles O’Keeffe (is this cast list getting better or what!) to help her prevent Rossi from blowing up LA (!). With John Comer.

THE FATAL FLYING GUILLOTINES (aau yeung huet dik ji; yin yang xie di zi) (1983 HK) D/W: RAYMOND LUI W: HSU SHENG LIAN P: LUI WEI WEN Carter Wong (an underrated kung fu star with a good heroic mug) stars in this fun kung fu flick. His father (Chan Sing) is an evil hermit who abandoned his family years earlier to perfect the lightning strike technique. This means that he meditates all day and kills visitors to No Return Valley with two very cool flying guillotines (if you have no idea what I’m on about, check out THE FLYING GUILLOTINE review). With Ho Pak Kwong, Corey Yuen Kwai, Hsu Hsia, Yuen Biao, Gam Gwan, Yuen Bun, Meng Hoi, Oyang Shafei, Cheung Lik, Brandy Yuen, Stephen Tung Wai, Alan Chui Chung San and action choreographer Chan Siu Pang.

FATAL FRAMES (suspiria 2000; fotogrammi mortali) (1996 ITL) D/W: AL FESTA W: ALLESANDRO MONESE P: STEFANIA DI GIANDOMENICO Donald Pleasence has his last role in this dull, overlong fanboy giallo update. Rick Gianasi is an American music video director who still lives in the apartment where his wife was killed. He goes to Rome to direct a video for singer Sefiani Stella (the star) and “the video killer” (from New York) seems to be trying to frame him. Steve Johnson’s FX try to repliacte that 70s/80s hokey gore look. With David Warbeck, Rossano Brazzi and Cicco Ingrassa. I liked it only when Angus Scrimm made an appearance.

THE FATAL HOUR (mr. wong at headquarters) (1940 US) D: WILLIAM NIGH W: SCOTT DARLING/“JOSEPH WEST” (GEORGE WAGGONER) In the fourth Boris Karloff Mr. Wong movie from Monogram, a cop friend of Wong and detective Grant Withers (the other series regular) is killed. With Marjorie Reynolds, Jason Robards Sr., Harry Strang, Charles Trowbridge, Frank Puglia, Craig Reynolds, Hooper Atchley, Richard Loo, John Hamilton, I. Stanford Jolley, Tristram Coffin and Harry Harvey. It was the weakest b/w 60+ mins episode so far. The last Karloff Wong movie was DOOMED TO DIE, then Keye Luke stepped into the role for PHANTOM OF CHINATOWN.

FATAL INSTINCT (1993 US) D: CARL REINER W: DAVID O’MALLEY P: KATIE JACOBS/PIERCE GARDNER Armand Assante, Sean Young and Sherilyn Fenn star in this FATAL ATTRACTION et al spoof which misses more than it hits. With Kate Nelligan, James Remar, Tony Randall, Eartha Kitt, Bill Cobbs, Christopher MacDonald, Clarence Clemons, John Witherspoon, Reiner, Jacob Vargas, Bob Vecker, George Lopez and Rosie O’Donnell. A film from 1991 with the same title is not a spoof.

FATAL NEEDLES VS. FATAL FISTS (ang wan cham duet meng kun; gou hun zhan duo ming quan) (1978 TAI) D: LEE TSO NAM W: CHEUNG SAN YEE P: KEUNG CHUNG PING This diverting yet forgettable kung fu hokum begins with Lo Lieh and Don Wong Tao as Captain and Vice Captain of the police force. After Lieh dies (very soon into the film), Tao bottoms out and becomes a self-loathing “coward” working in a brothel. Of course he’s riled enough by wrongdoings to return to form and kick needlehurling villain Chang Yi’s ass in the end. Fun while it lasts, with typically above average fight choreography from Gam Ming/Tommy Lee (who also appears). With Cheng Fu Hung, Jimmy Lee, Got Siu Bo, Sit Hon, Shih Ting Ken, Lee Keung, Chui Chung Hei, Ma Cheung, Ching Kuo Chung and Au Lap Bo.

THE FAT BLACK PUSSYCAT (1963 US) D/W: HAROLD LEA P: ARNOLD PANKEN M.A. Ripps acquired this b/w murder mystery and edited in new scenes (like he did with POOR WHITE TRASH) and removed others. Those added use stand-ins for the original actors and different sets. Some inserts add bloody violence (quite shocking for the time). In either version it’s a pretty boring, slowmoving oddity surrounding the East Village beatnik scene (nowhere near as effectively as the classic A BUCKET OF BLOOD). The altered version also has a psychic cat who tunes into schizophrenic brainwaves (!) and a cool surprise ending featuring a paw. Frank Henenlotter’s liner notes for the special edition dvd (a double bill with the 66 version of THE BLACK CAT) that features all deleted scenes are more entertaining than the movie. There’s also a selection of Kitty Kat trailers (THE FAT BLACK PUSSYCAT one is excellent), the short MARGIE LE MONT: THE CAT GIRL and a fabulous gallery of drive-in artwork backed by exciting radio spots (“Sex fiend! Sex fiend! Sex fiend!”). Oh, and don’t forget to look for Geoffrey Lewis and Hector Elizondo.

FAT CITY (1972 US) D/P: JOHN HUSTON W: LEONARD GARDNER P: RAY STARK Stacy Keach is an out-of-shape punch-drunk ex-boxer alcoholic and Jeff Bridges is a half-hearted fighter on his way “up” in this brilliant look at seedy lowlife, based on Gardner’s novel. The boxing scenes are the antithesis of something like the stylish RAGING BULL (1980), opting for realistic low-key fights. And the performances are superb, particularly Susan Tyrrell as an argumentative barfly. With Candy Clark. Huston also made THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JUDGE ROY BEAN the same year. Surely an influence on David O. Russell’s very good THE FIGHTER (2010)?

THE FATE OF LEE KHAN (ying chun ge zhi feng bo; ying chung gok ji fung boh) (1973 TAI HK) D/W/P: KING HU W: WONG CHUNG After the epic A TOUCH OF ZEN, Hu spent three years making this for Raymond Chow’s Golden Harvest. It was well worth the wait. Li Lihua is the loyalist owner of a remote inn/gambling house in the mountains. She has four beautiful waitresses (including pickpocket Angela Mao and Woo Gam) who have no trouble defending the place from bandits and those who cheat at the dice table. Pai Ying is a stranger and compatriot who brings them news of oppressive Mongolian Lee Khan’s (Ting Feng at his tough bastard best) imminent visit. Spies at the inn (including Ngai Ping Ngo) must be stopped from warning him away from their trap, but that’s just the beginning of this masterful take on suspense, intrigue and martial arts (choreographed by none other than Sammo Hung). A topnotch cast, a great, engaging script and the sublime Hu touch can remind cynical viewers that kung fu cinema can sometimes offer more than lowbrow fart jokes and mugging (not that I have a problem with that stuff to be honest). With Hsu Feng, Roy Chiao, Helen Ma Hoi Lun, Ho Pak Kwong, Chiang Nan, Kok Lee Yan, Lee Man-Tai, Gam Dai, Fung Ging Man, Wu Jiaxiang, Suen Lam, Gam Gwan, Lee Ying, Han Ying-Chieh, Ng Ming-Choi, Cheung Hei, Sai Gwa-Paau, Wong Sam, Yam Ho, screenwriter Chung as a gambler, Yi Fung and Lee Kwan. Hu made THE VALIANT ONES (1975) next.

FAT GUY GOES NUTZOID!! (zeisters) (1983 US) D/W: JOHN GOLDEN W: ROGER GOLDEN P: EMILY DILLON Love them or loathe them, Troma does sometimes have a knack of releasing otherwise unreleasable oddities with an inscrutable appeal. Two lazy New York knockabouts (who seem to have a wealthy family background) accidentally liberate an obese retard dubbed “the mooka” from an upstate sanatorium. They try to look after him as he runs riot in the city. Not just an unfunny bad taste comedy, it’s difficult to actually tell what the filmmakers were aiming for. An interview with director Golden on a Troma re-release video sheds no light. Look for Amy Madigan, Joan Allen (in her debut), and how about that score by Leo Kottke!!

FAUST (1926 GER) D: F. W. MURNAU W: HANS KYSER P: ERICH POHMER Seeing the full 116 mins version of Murnau’s classic silent version is a real overload of visual treats that puts the lack of imagination in recent overblown, overbudgeted FX-driven movies into perspective. Gosta Ekman is Faust, a good man who at first signs his soul over to Mephisto (Emil Jannings in great makeup) so he can help the villagers overcome a plague that the Devil spread. But when they turn on his heathen ways he commands Mephisto to make him young again, and he makes “pleasure” his life (offscreen of course). The epic tale ends with infidelity, murder, a burning at the stake, infanticide and redemption, so is pretty strong stuff for the time. Carl Hoffmann’s b/w photography is incredible. With Hans Brauswetter, Werner Fueterrer, Camilla Horn, Frida Richard, Hertha Von Walther and director William Dieterle (who later adapted the story for his American classic THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER). Horror fans who only know Murnau for his NOSFERATU should check this out.

FAUST (lecke faust; lesson faust) (1994 CZE FRA UK GER) D/W: JAN ŠVANKMAJER D: ERNST GOSSNER W: JOHANN WOLFGANG GOETHE/CHRISTRIAN DIETRICH GABBE P: JAROMIR KALLISTA This typically impressive Švankmajer interpretation of the Faust legend is pretty hard to explain without seeing it for yourself (which you most definitely should). The amazing nightmarish world is presented through a mixture of claymation, puppets and live-action. It’s based on Christopher Marlowe’s play The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus. Check it out. Also check out his earlier 1988 Lewis Carroll adaptation ALICE and the wonderful ode to obsession, CONSPIRATORS OF PLEASURE (1996), and any Švankmajer short you can find (they have been collected, and those DVDs are essential). See also review of LITTLE OTIK. I once had the pleasure of attending a Švankmajer exhibition, and saw that those wooden puppets from FAUST were pretty much life-size! I also learned that his (late, sadly) wife Eve was an amazing artist in her own right.

FAUST: LOVE OF THE DAMNED (2000 US SPN) D/P: BRIAN YUZNA W: DAVID QUINN/TIM VIGEL P: JULIO FERNANDEZ An artist (Mark Frost) is caught by cops (including co-star Jeffrey Combs) after slaughtering a room full of people with metal gloves with large retractable blades (kinda like X-Men’s Wolverine). He tells a psychiatrist (Isabel Brook) about how gangsters killed his illegal alien girlfriend and the suicidal state it left him in. A white haired Andrew Divoff as M (not unlike his WISHMASTER character) makes him sign over his soul and gives him the blades, ordering him to take vengeance. When Frost is fed up of killing, M and his large conspiracy (called The Hand) come after him and Brook (who has traumatic flashbacks of a childhood rape). Frost transforms into a wisecracking caped hero killer with horns. This very confused, tasteless mess looks like it cost a lot of money (the FX by Screaming Mad George and Poli Cantero are excellent) and sometimes resembles a slicker version of a Troma overkill movie (without the humour). At one point a woman turns into nothing but big buttocks and breasts with a face! The hardcore thrash soundtrack just adds to the headache-inducing ambience. With Ronny Svensson. It’s based on Quinn and Vigel’s graphic novel.

FBI CONTRO DOTTOR MABUSE See: THE RETURN OF DR. MABUSE

FEAR (1983) See: ANGST

FEAR (1985) See: FACES OF DEATH 3

FEAR (1989 US) D/W/P: ROCKNE S. O’BANNON P: RICHARD KOBRITZ Ally Sheedy is a novelist with ESP who helps the police track psychic serial killer “the shadow man” (Pruitt Taylor Vince). It’s not so good, but is better than most direct-to-tv thrillers. With Lauren Hutton, Helen Brown and (briefly near the beginning) John Agar.

THE FEAR (1995 US) D: VINCENT ROBERT W: RON FORD/GREG H. SIMS P: RICHARD BRANDES Immensely dull and talky “horror” movie has the leader of some psychology experiment/encounter group dealing with fear inviting his group to a remote summer lodge where his mother had died when he was a child. A very human looking wooden mannequin seems to move around without any help. Wes Craven is a psychology professor, with Vince Edwards, Ford and John Carl Buechler FX.

THE FEAR 2: HALLOWEEN NIGHT (the fear: resurrection) (1998 US CAN) D: CHRIS ANGEL W: KEVIN RICHARDS P: CLINT LIEN/MARY BETH JENNER Gordon Currie is traumatised because his dad killed his mom when he was a kid. So he decides to bring all his friends to his grandparents’ house in the country on Halloween to take part in a ceremony designed to help face-up to your fears. This ceremony involves a man in an unscary rubber suit (sorry, I mean “wooden mannequin”) that comes to life and kills after lots of talk and arguing. It’s even worse than the original. With Rachel Hayward and Betsy Palmer.

FEAR AND LOATHING IN GONZOVISION (fear and loathing on the road to hollywood) (1978 UK) P: NIGEL FINCH Originally aired as part of the BBC Omnibus series, this 50 mins documentary on Hunter S. Thompson can be found on a two-disc dvd set release of FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS. Illustrator Ralph Steadman and a BBC crew travel with Thompson from his home in Aspen, Colorado, first to Vegas and then to Hollywood. Obviously a thoughtful and intelligent man, he still somehow manages to keep his inner-self fully cloaked despite the many careful and articulate nuggets that he regularly dispenses. The narrator claims that he’s an “ex-Hell’s Angel” which is not strictly true, and some badly recited excerpts from his books grate. But this remains a must for Thompson fans, and is ultimately more substantial than any of the biopics about him. Look for SNL cast members Bill Murray (who played Thompson in WHERE THE BUFFALO ROAM in 1980) and Brian Doyle-Murray helping out with the spoof re-elect Nixon campaign. In sharp contrast to this, the depressing 2003 documentary BREAKFAST WITH HUNTER has the guy resting (wallowing) on his laurels.

FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS (1998 US) D/W: TERRY GILLIAM W: TONY GRISONI/TODD DAVIES/ALEX COX P: PATRICK CASSAVETTI/LAILA NABULSI/STEPHEN NEMETH Hunter S. Thompson’s original book/Rolling Stone article is one of those texts you fall in love with, rereading it again and again. Thus comes the difficulty of transferring it to the screen, everyone has their own little movie running in their heads. Considering this, Gilliam hasn’t done a bad job but it didn’t really do it for me. For those unfamiliar, Thompson/Raoul Duke (Johnny Depp, who’s bald and very good) and Samoan attorney Dr. Gonzo (Benicio Del Toro, also excellent) drive a red Chevy convertible across the desert to Vegas to cover the Mint 400 motorcycle race, and then later a police drug convention. Along the way they guzzle enough drugs to cause out-of-control animalistic behaviour, severe hallucinations, confusion and bad craziness. A scene with flesh-eating reptiles in a hotel lobby is well-realised by FX maestro Rob Bottin. With Christina Ricci (Lucy), Tobey McGuire (the Oakey kid), Ellen Barkin (back door beauty?), Cameron Diaz, Gary Busey as a cop, Harry Dean Stanton, Flea, Mark Harmon, Penn Jillette, Lyle Lovett, Tim Thomerson, Katherine Helmond, Michael Jeter, Craig Bierko, Laraine Newman, Michael Lee Gogin, Larry Cedar, Troy Evans, Richard Riehle, Richard Portnow, Verne Troyer (Mini-Me), Gregory Itzin, Christopher Meloni, Larry Brandenburg, the voice of Debbie Reynolds and Thompson himself. Cox was meant to have directed this for years, but was passed over in favour of Gilliam because he wanted to do it (on a low budget) in b/w. I would have liked to have seen his version.

FEAR AND LOATHING ON THE ROAD TO HOLLYWOOD See: FEAR AND LOATHING IN GONZOVISION

THE FEAR CHAMBER (torture zone; la camara del terror) (1968 MEX US) D/W/P: JUAN IBANEZ D/W: JACK HILL P: LUIS ENRIQUE VERGARA Just before his death, Boris Karloff “starred” in a quartet of Mexican pictures via inserts filmed in LA by Hill. The other three were ISLE OF THE SNAKE PEOPLE, HOUSE OF EVIL and THE INCREDIBLE INVASION. In this one a rock with tentacles (which is only ever seen in extreme close-ups) is discovered inside a volcano. Karloff, his cute daughter and another assistant (Carlo East) run tests on it and hook it up to a bunch of computers. The rock needs a serum to grow, one that can only be found in humans when they’re terrified. Karloff and Co enlist the help of a voyeuristic sadist lesbian called Helga (Isela Vega), a big dumb guy, a guy in a turban and a dwarf, and set up a “fear chamber” (a cave filled with skeletons, snakes and spiders). Female victims are scared within an inch of their lives, and are then taken to an operating room (through a secret door) so the serum can be extracted and fed to the rock! The rock is soon able to find its own victims though, and Helga supplies it with a sexy topless dancer who does a long number before she’s killed. Another blonde is tied-up and whipped! It drags in parts, but this warped mess is bizarre enough to entertain and is, of course, essential for Karloff fans.

FEAR DOT COM (2002 UK GER LUX) D: WILLIAM MALONE W: JOSEPHINE COYLE W/P: MOSHE DIAMANT P: LIMOR DIAMANT Udo Kier gets hit by a train at the beginning of this much hated horror film. Other bodies with terrified faces turn up in an unspecified city that doesn’t seem to have working lights (it was filmed in Lux and Canada). Cop Stephen Dorff and Health Department inspector Natascha McElhone discover that all the victims died after logging on to a snuff webcam site where “The Doctor” (Stephen Rea from Neil Jordan movies) cuts up and then kills young women. The very confused RING-inspired script also involves an internet ghost. I do appreciate the look of this dingy, dark and somewhat creepy movie, but they did have a cheek releasing something so vague and nonsensical. McElhone and (the usually very good) Rea’s American accents are not very convincing, and Jeffrey Combs is miscast as a slimy, chain-smoking sleaze cop. With Anna Thalbach and Matthias Schweighofer. Malone also made the recent HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL remake (also with Combs), and the ALIEN rip-off CREATURE back in the 80s.

FEARFUL DECISION See: RANSOM!

FEAR IN THE CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD See: CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD

FEAR IN THE DARK See: HITCHER IN THE DARK

FEAR IN THE NIGHT (1947 US) D/W: MAXWELL SHANE P: WILLIAM H. PINE/WILLIAM C. THOMAS It’s fun watching familiar STAR TREK crew member De-Forest Kelley in his starring debut as a very confused man who’s convinced he has murdered someone in a room full of mirrors in this good b/w noir. Paul Kelly is his cop brother who ends up with him at a house that Kelley claims he committed murder in. With Ann Doran, Charles Victor, Robert Emmett Keane, Gladys Blake, Julia Faye, John Harmon and Joey Ray. It’s based on a Cornel Woolrich novel which Shane also adapted for the Edward G. Robinson vehicle NIGHTMARE in 1956.

FEAR IN THE NIGHT (dynasty of fear; honeymoon of fear) (1972 UK) D/W/P: JIMMY SANGSTER W: MICHAEL SYSON Judy Geeson is boys’ school teacher Ralph Bates’ new wife. She moves from London (where she’s attacked) to a country cottage near the school and becomes a paranoid nervous wreck as it appears that her attacker has followed her there and is trying to kill her. Predictable but notbad mystery yarn from Hammer. With Peter Cushing and Joan Collins.

FEARLESS FIGHTERS (ninja killers; a real man) (1971 TAI) D: WU MING HSIUNG W: HSIANG YANG P: TUNG YUEH CHUAN It’s the Eagle Claw clan vs the Lightning Whip faction. Hardly anything happens for most of the running time and then you get a bunch of bizarre weapons (like a metal arm attached to a wire) at the end. There’s also a fighter with claws and one with a blade for a hand. This stuff is imaginative (if cheap-looking), but way too brief. Apparently the English-language dub was supervised by James Hong. Could this be the same Hong familiar from so many exploitation films?

FEARLESS FRANK (frank’s greatest adventure) (1965 US) D/W/P: PHILIP KAUFMAN Jon Voight is an ultra-cheerful hillbilly just arrived in the big city (Chicago) who tries to save a pretty nightclub singer (Monique Van Vooren) from being muscled by some goons. He gets shot dead for his troubles. A scientist (Severn Darden) and his butler/sidekick (Anthony Holland) revive him as a super crime fighter who can fly and has a receiver in his head. But an evil crime boss (who has Batman/Dick Tracy style henchmen like Screwnose) has Darden’s unscrupulous scientist brother (also Darden) construct an evil superhero Voight. Ken Nordine narrates as The Stranger in this odd, one-of-a-kind low-budget pop art satire and superhero spoof rolled into one. Kind of a mess at times, but never boring, never predictable and sometimes very funny and imaginative. With Joan Darling and David Steinberg. It was Kaufman’s second feature (after GOLDSTEIN) and opens with comic book panel credits. Check out Nordine’s records too!

FEARLESS HYENA (the shadowman; crazy monkey; superfighter 3; jackie chan: superfighter 3; revenge of the dragon; siu kuen gwaai jiu; xiao quan guai zhao; hsiao chuan yi chao) (1979 HK) D/W: JACKIE CHAN P: LO WEI Despite his grandfather James Tien’s instructions to never show their kung fu to anyone, Chan ends up teaching a kung fu school after some thugs he beat up convince him to. Old enemies of Tien’s turn up and kill him. It’s training scenes and revenge time. Chan’s directorial debut is good (and the best he’s ever looked in drag), but his next effort (THE YOUNG MASTER) was better. With Yen Shi Kwan, Lee Kun, Dean Shek, Chan Hui Lau, Eagle Han and Pang Gang. There was a fake sequel.

THE FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLERS OR, PARDON ME BUT ARE THOSE YOUR TEETH IN MY NECK (dance of the vampires) (1967 UK) D/W: ROMAN POLANSKI W: GERARD BRACH P: GENE GUTOWSKI This is my favourite of Polanski’s classics. Jack MacGowran is bumbling Van Helsing-type professor Abronsius, and Polanski is his horny sidekick. They arrive in Transylvania where they stay in an inn terrorised by vampires. So they go to the castle of Count Von Krolock (Ferdy Mayne) to kill him and rescue the girl (the beautiful Sharon Tate). This amazing and utterly charming horror comedy has a dreamlike, cosy atmosphere that I can’t recall ever having seen before or since. I could live in this movie. The famous dance sequence is a highlight and the ending is great. With Alfie Bass, Ronald Lacey, Sydney Bromley, Andreas Malndrinos and very little dialogue. Beware shorter prints. In 1997 Polanski oversaw a stage version in Vienna.

FEARLESS YOUNG BOXER See: METHOD MAN

FEAR NO EVIL (mark of the beast) (1981 US) D/W/P: FRANK LA LOGGIA Stefan Arngrim (who used to be a little boy on the Irwin Allen tv series Land Of The Giants) is a confused teen who may be the Devil, or something like that. He excels in school while his delinquent fellow students pick on him. Local religious types and a girl pull together to fight him, or something. It’s all pretty confusing and mostly dull. Has its fans though. La Loggia (23 at the time of this, his debut) returned later in the decade with the acclaimed THE LADY IN WHITE.

FEAR OF A BLACK HAT (1993 US UK) D/W: RUSTY CUNDIEFF P: DARIN SCOTT Cundieff also stars as the leader of fictional rap trio N.W.H. (Niggaz with Hats) in this frequently amusing SPINAL TAP-style mockumentary (prepared by student Kasi Lemmons). You can tell that it’s been padded out from a short at times, but parts are hilarious and it’s rarely off-target (unlike the similar CB4 from around the same time). With Monique Gabrielle, Jeff Burr, Kenneth J. Hall, Barry Shabaka Henley and Alicia Rio. Also check out Cundieff’s horror anthology TALES FROM THE HOOD.

FEAR OF FLYING See: TURBULENCE 2

THE FEAR: RESURRECTION See: THE FEAR 2

FEAR RUNS SILENT (1999 US) D/W/P: SERGE RODUNSKY P: GERALD I. WOLFF Teacher Stacy Keach takes a bunch of teen students into the woods on a field trip. Suzanne Davis is the young woman seeing a therapist (Dan Lauria) about her vivid nightmares and hallucinations (some kind of beast running through the trees). The flashback (forward?) and multireality filled story is deliberately confusing (and intriguing) and does go in a surprising, unexpected direction. But ultimately it’s silly and pointless. With Billy Dee Williams, Cerina Vincent and Ethan Erickson.

FEAST (2005 US) D: JOHN GULAGER W: MARCUS DUNSTAN/PATRICK MELTON P: MICHAEL LEAHY/JOEL SOISSON Various characters (all introduced with unfunny profiles) barricade themselves in a small town bar as some kind of unexplained slimy monsters attack and eat them. Some comedy, some gore and lots of irritating hyperactive camerawork when something exciting is supposed to be happening. Not that bad, but not very good either. Clu Gulager (the director’s dad) works the bar, and Balthazar Getty is pretty good. With Henry Rollins, Josh Zuckerman, Krita Allen and Jasom Mewes as himself. This Dimension release was part of the reality tv competition show Project Greenlight, so has Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Wes Craven and the Weinsteins for executive producers. Horror fanboys seem quite easily pleased nowadays, so this spawned two sequels in 2008 and 2009.

THE FEEBLES See: MEET THE FEEBLES

FEED (2005 AUSL) D: BRETT LEONARD W: KIERAN GALVIN P: MELISSA BEAUFORD A conflicted Australian cop (with his own sexual problems) scours the internet for potential illegalities. He finds a fetish website which has enormously fat women force-fed for webcam transmissions. Suspecting something homicidal, he goes to Toledo in the US to investigate. Entirely shot in New South Wales, this is a pretty silly, overbaked hijacking of an interesting premise that just doesn’t know when to quit. That said, it’s not boring, and has admirable intentions of making squeamish viewers uncomfortable. The ending is especially ridiculous, and special mention to the atrocious music during the end credits. Once upon a time director Leonard was trusted with major releases in Hollywood (i.e. THE LAWNMOWER MAN).

FELONS (first degree; puzzle; charades) (1998 US) D: STEPHEN ECKELBERRY W: RICHMOND NEDEL W/P: KAREN BLACK A bunch of characters meet up for a barbeque in a big house in LA. They all have something in their past and/or are fucked-up arseholes. Arguments, fights, murders and some sex occurs in this talky drama that (very) slowly connects together. The stars are C. Thomas Howell, Erika Eleniak, Jack Scalia, James Wilder and Black. James Russo is (briefly) amusing as a complaining arsehole neighbour, but otherwise a complete waste of time.

FELONY (vanishing chase) (1994 US) D/W: DAVID A. PRIOR P: ROBERT WILLOUGHBY/TED PRIOR Jeffrey Combs stars as a cameraman who films cops in action for those reality cop shows. Corrupt CIA agents who run a drugs operation try to kill him after he records them murdering a SWAT team member on film. Lance Henriksen and David Warner are the main villains and Charles Napier and Leo Rossi are a couple of cops on the case. Joe Don Baker, Ashley Laurence and Red West are also in this boring action movie from the prolific Priors. According to the end credits, a Danny DeVito was an extra.

FEMALE See: THE VIOLENT YEARS

THE FEMALE BUTCHER See: CEREMONIA SANGRIENTA

FEMALE CONVICT SCORPION: BEAST STABLE (joshu sasori: kemmo-beya) (1973 JPN) D: SHUNYA ITO W: HIRO MATSUDA Incredible third entry in the series opens with supercool runaway convict Meiko Kaji hacking off a cop’s arm on the subway to make her escape. She holes up with a prostitute who fucks her own retarded brother in a hovel. Another female ex-con mobster queen forces one of her girls to get an abortion when she’s six months pregnant! This pitch black, cartoonish revenge story is gripping from the get go, filled with memorable images, top-notch cinematography, violence and nudity, and it never puts a foot wrong. As recommended as they come. Don’t miss! With Taio Hachiro, Mikio Narita and Nobuo Yana. Kaji returned in one more sequel and was then replaced by another actress for the final two. There were other movies based on the same scorpion character in the 90s.

FEMALE CONVICT SCORPION: JAILHOUSE 41 (joshu sasori: dai 41 zakkyo-bo) (1972 JPN) D: SHUNYA ITO W: FUMIO KAMNAMI P: KINEO YOSHIMINE Meiko Kaji (from LADY SNOWBLOOD) is a troublesome convict at a women’s prison whose non-stop abuse by both the guards and her fellow inmates results in her and six other women on a run for it through the countryside. A plot description can’t really do justice to this unmissable mix of beautiful arty experimentation (some of the camerawork is incredible) and solid exploitation thrills. The ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST of women-in-prison movies I think. That’s Fumio Watanabe as the one-eyed warden. With Hosei Komatsu. It’s actually the second of a series of six (FEMALE PRISONER 701: SCORPION was the original), based on a comic strip by Tooru Shinohara. Followed by FEMALE CONVICT SCORPION: BEAST STABLE.

FEMALE DEMON OHYAKU (ohyaku: the female demon; yoen dokufuden hannya no ohyaku) (1968 JPN) D: YOSHIHIKO ISHIKAWA W: KOJI TAKADA/TAKESHI TAKAHASHI P: SHIGERU OKADA/NORIMICHI MATSUDAIRA Junko Miyazuno stars as the scarred daughter of a doomed prostitute with a wirewalking act and a sideline in extortion. She falls in love with a man (Kunio Murai) and robs a government escort of gold, only to be double-crossed (Koji Nambara is the slimy villain). Murai is beheaded and Miyazuno is sent to an island gold mine penitentiary, but plots escape and revenge. Tomisaburo Wakayama is a guest star. With Shingo Yamashiro, Hosei Komatsu, Masao Hori, Koji Sekiyama, Yuriko Mishima and Kinji Nakamura. It’s a solid, classy Toei period exploitation piece with surprising scenes of torture and violence. The first in a trilogy known to some under the umbrella LEGEND OF THE POISONED SEDUCTRESS, it was followed by QUICK-DRAW OKATSU and OKATSU THE FUGITIVE (both 1969).

FEMALE FIGHTING FIST IN DANGER See: SISTER STREETFIGHTER

FEMALE INQUISITOR (guts of a virgin 3; rusted body; gomon kifujin) (1987 JPN) D/W: “GAIRA” KAZUO KOMIZU P: HIROSHI HANZAWA A patriotic war veteran old man, his granddaughter, her lesbian mistress teacher (Keiko Asano) and a young chauffeur use sexual torture to exact confessions to the whereabouts of some stolen money. An adulterous bank manager embezzler and his lover are the main victims of the sometimes sadistic but likeable, horny quartet. There’s a simultaneous orgasm bed, eels entering orifices, a toenail and a tooth ripped out with pliers and lots of (hard) softcore sex. With Ayu Kiyokawa and Hitomi Kazama. It’s a watchable, goofy comedy at only just over an hour, but Komizu’s earlier ENTRAILS OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN and ENTRAILS OF A VIRGIN were much more memorable.

FEMALE JUNGLE (1954 US) D/W: BRUNO VESOTA W/P: BURT KAISER Depending on whether he directed DAUGHTER OF HORROR or not, this could be either VeSota’s first or second feature as director. Lawrence Tierney is an alcoholic cop suffering from blackouts who’s not sure if he strangled a blonde movie actress to death. Kathleen Crowley is the next victim, the wife of out-of-work hard-drinking caricature artist Burt Kaiser. John Carradine is the chief suspect and Jayne Mansfield figures in the story too. This ARC release has a good hard-boiled atmosphere but isn’t really that special. With Cornelius Keefe and VeSota, who directed only two others after this, THE BRAIN EATERS and INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES (1962).

FEMALE MARKET: IMPRISONMENT (ryojoku mesu ichiba: kankin) (1986 JPN) D: YASUAKI UEGAKI W: “GAIRA” KAZUO KOMIZU P: AKIHIKO HACHIMAKI Kaori Aso is kidnapped from her car one night and taken to a dockside warehouse where other kidnapped girls held captive are forced to perform sexual acts on their male captors, who are going to sell them into slavery. In one particularly nasty part, a man fucks a woman dying from a gunshot wound (which he plays with). It’s short (just over an hour) straight edge exploitation guaranteed to please the more jaded among us. With Nobutaka Masutori and Minako Ogawa. The screenwriter made ENTRAILS OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

FEMALE NINJAS: IN BED WITH THE ENEMY See: IN BED WITH THE ENEMY

FEMALE NINJAS: MAGIC CHRONICLES: PROTECTING THE ROYAL EMBRYO (ninja women; kunoichi ninpou-chou) (1991 JPN) D: MASARU TSUSHIMA W: TAKAHITO ISHIKAWA P: YUUJI KADOKAWA/ KAZUMASA IIZAKA/WATARU AKASHI Here’s the first entry in a bizarre chambara (Samurai period drama) series about female ninjas (different actresses in each one). They can blow bubbles from their vagina that trap enemy ninjas and makes them act like wailing babies! They pass the royal embryo from womb to womb for protection! It’s not really very good, but different! There’s lots of sex and nudity and it’s all played very straight. With Miki Mizuno. Based on the stories of Futaro Yamada.

FEMALE NINJAS: MAGIC CHRONICLES 2: SECRET OF THE CHRISTIAN BELLS (ninja women 2; kunoichi ninpou-cho 2: seishoujo no ni hou) (1991 JPN) D: MASAHARU TSUSHIMA W: TAKAHITO ISHIKAWA P: YUUJI KADOKAWA/WATARU AKASHI This is an improvement over the first entry due to its sleazy plot device. The shogun is trying to find the whereabouts of a Christian shipment of gold so he can steal it and squelch the Christian movement which will have lost its funding. However the map is printed on tiny bells inserted into a bunch of female ninjas’ vaginas. The vagina bubbles are back, there’s a cool flying umbrella and a villain who shoots Spiderman-style webs. All played with a straight face of course, and there’s a surprisingly cosmic ending. With Miki Mizuno.

FEMALE NINJAS: MAGIC CHRONICLES 3: SACRED BOOK OF SEXUAL POSITIONS (kunoichi ninpou-cho 3: higi dinsetsu no kai) (1993 JPN) D: MASARU TSUSHIMA W: HIROMICHI NAKAMOTO P: WATARU AKASHI There’s no real reason for the curious to watch more than one episode in this series, so it should probably be this one. The Emperor can’t maintain a hard-on, so the ninjas are dispatched to find a secret scroll containing information on sexual positions. As well as the ever welcome bubbles, the girls can shoot web from their holes this time as well! Also with strangling hair and acid squirt breasts.

FEMALE NINJAS: MAGIC CHRONICLES 4: REBEL FORCES AT THE THRESHOLD (ninja vixens; secret story of chushingura; kunoichi ninpou-chou 4: chushingura hishou) (1994 JPN) D: MASARU TSUSHIMA W: HIROMICHI NAKAMOTO P: TETSUJI HAYASHI/YOSHIMI ARAI This one’s a retelling of the often filmed Chushingura legend. The ninjas are dispatched to distract the 47 royal ronin with their female charms. There’s no breast or vagina magic, but there is a dagger made from hair. With Megumi Sakita. A further two sequels followed.

FEMALE PLASMA SUCKERS See: BLOOD ORGY OF THE SHE DEVILS

FEMALE PRISONER PUNISHER MARIA See: PRISONER MARIA

FEMALE PRISONER 701: SCORPION (joshu 701-go: sasori) (1972 JPN) D: SHUNYA ITO W: FUMIO KANAMI/YOSHIO MATSUDA Based on a comic strip by Tooru Shinohara, this is the first in a series of six revenge movies made on increasingly lower budgets for Toei. Meiko Kaji is convict #71 in a women’s prison where the inmates do naked exercises for the lecherous guards. She narrates a flashback that shows how her narc boyfriend set her up for a gang-rape to further his career. She ends up inside for (unsuccessfully) trying to knife him. This near-psychedelic classic of its kind shows how the stubborn, almost mute Kaji puts up with non-stop abuse from guards and fellow inmates, escapes during a riot and seeks her revenge. The ambitious use of sets, camerawork, lighting and editing sets it apart from anything else in the genre. It was Ito’s directorial debut. He also wrote the lyrics for the anthemic theme song that accompanies the series and was later “borrowed” by Quentin Tarantino for his KILL BILL. Followed by FEMALE CONVICT SCORPION: JAILHOUSE 41.

FEMALE SPACE INVADERS See: STARCRASH

FEMALE TROUBLE (1974 US) D/W/P: JOHN WATERS Waters’ fourth feature is one of his best, and the only one to transcend its sick humour to become genuinely disturbing. Divine is Dawn Davenport, first seen as a high school dropout who runs away from home when her parents don’t buy her the chacha heels she wanted for Christmas. She has a baby (who grows up to be “retarded” Mink Stole) and becomes a criminal. She joins an exclusive hair salon (that you have to audition for!) run by the Dashers (David Lochary and Mary Vivian Pearce). The Dashers believe that crime equals beauty, and Dawn becomes their new crime model. She also marries Gator, one of the hairdressers, but it doesn’t work out. Gator’s fag-hag Aunt Ida (the incredible Edith Massey) who resents Dawn because she desperately wants Gator to be gay, throws acid in her face and disfigures her. The Dashers think this wonderful and support Dawn even more, putting Aunt Ida (who has her hand chopped off and replaces it with a hook) in a big cage and injecting Dawn with liquid eyeliner. Meanwhile Stole kills her absent father (also played by Divine) after he tries to fuck her, and then becomes a Hare Krishna. Dawn ends up strangling Stole and shooting members of the audience during her trampoline act. The final scene of Divine in the electric chair ecstatically happy about her notoriety and giving an Oscar-style acceptance speech before getting shocked is at once hilarious and frightening, and unforgettable. I love almost all of Waters’ movies, but this is the one that I can’t get out of my head. With regulars Cookie Mueller, George Stover and Susan Lowe. Waters’ next (and first without Divine) was DESPERATE LIVING.

FEMALE VAMPIRE See: THE LADY VAMPIRE

FEMME FATALE (2002 FRA) D/W: BRIAN DePALMA P: TARAK BEN AMMAR/MARINA GEFTER Antonio Banderas is hired to take photos of the American ambassador’s (Peter Coyote) camera-shy new wife for the French paparazzi. But she (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos) has a past that she needs to keep secret. One of De Palma’s most finely crafted films is a wellpaced and meticulously plotted serpentine thriller that pays off in spades. To say more would spoil its fragile nature. Well worth a look, even if you can’t usually stand De Palma’s work. With Eriq Ebowarey, Edouard Montoute, Thierry Fremont, Gregg Henry, Eva Darlan, Jo Prestia and John Stamos.

FEMMES DE SADE (1976 US) D/W/P: ALEX DE RENZY Rocky De Sade is an ex-con with a large penis, who goes on a rape spree (he also sucks his own dick). He bothers hookers and violates one with a glass bottle. Revenge comes in the SM orgy climax, where a woman takes a dump on his corpse and others dance around it! Another outrageous hardcore exploitation film from De Renzy. With Annette Haven, Leslie Bovee, “Abigail Clayton” (Gail Lawrence), John Leslie, Candida Royale, Joey Silvera, Linda Wong and Desiree West.

FEROCIOUS FEMALE FREEDOM FIGHTERS (1982 INDO) D: JOPI BURNAMA W: EDDY ARMAND P: DHAMOO PUNJABI/RAAM PUNJABI Troma picked up this Indonesian flick (original title unknown), retitled it, cut it and overdubbed it with a new “comic” soundtrack (Charles Kaufman and Joey Gaynor’s LA Connection group were responsible. A dvd also includes the original uncut version in a normal English dub). The plot involves a female wrestling champ (Eva Arnaz) with a sick little brother being blackmailed by “the syndicate” to do drug runs and the like. She teams up with her trainer (Barry Prima) for revenge. At the end there’s finally some outrageous action and gore, but it’s mostly a talky bore. The Troma comedy version is even worse, and not in the least bit funny. Troma also released a sequel. Burnama directed WAR VICTIMS (as Jon Bierium) next.

FETISH See: CURDLED

FEVER HEAT See: BOB THE GAMBLER

FEVER LAKE (demon kid; thriller; who killed her?) (1996 US) D/P: RALPH PORTILLO W: MICHAEL EDWARDS/ JALEE BAILEY P: JAMIE ELLIOTT Teenagers get killed in the woods again. This time it’s something to do with an evil lake spirit. Corey Haim and Bo Hopkins star. It’s stupid and boring.

THE FIEND (1970) See: BEWARE MY BRETHREN

FIEND (deadly neighbors) (1980 US) D/W/P: DON DOHLER A glowing red mass floats around a graveyard and resurrects a man’s corpse. The aloof undead guy kills women and a little girl while working as a music teacher in the suburbs who gives lessons in his basement. A very nosy, concerned neighbor is suspicious of him. Dohler (and John Waters) regular George Stover gets the Renfield-type role. Awful and boring, with plugs for Dohler’s book Film Magic. [Illus.]

FIEND FROM HALF MOON BAY See: THE SKYDIVERS

THE FIENDISH GHOULS See: THE FLESH AND THE FIENDS

FIEND WITHOUT A FACE (1958 UK) D: ARTHUR CRABTREE W: HERBERT J. LEDER P: JOHN CROYDON Marshall Thompson stars in this great (and visceral for the time) sci-fi horror about an invisible force sabotaging a Canadian rocket base and the surrounding angry farming community (actually shot in Surrey, and it looks and sounds like it… but no matter!). It would have been a fun if unremarkable programmer, but really pays-off as the enemy becomes visible. Squishy flying brains that strangle with spinal cords attached! They are one of the great FX creations (not present in Amelia Reynolds Long’s fine short story basis The Thought-Monster), and, of course, automatically make this a must-see. Peter Nielson, Flo Nordhoff and Karl Ludwig Ruppel are credited with their creation. With Michael Balfour, E. Kerrigan Prescott (later in the films of Fredric Hobbs) and Kynaston Reeves. Richard Gordon was executive producer. Douglas Hickox was assistant director (he co-helmed his first feature BEHEMOTH THE SEA MONSTER the following year). Norman J. Warren (a major fan who put clips in his BLOODY NEW YEAR) has been touting a remake for years, and the Hong Kong movie BLACK MAGIC WITH BUDDAH was probably influenced by it. Crabtree also made the great HORRORS OF THE BLACK MUSEUM (1959) for Anglo-Amalgamated, the company behind FIRST MAN INTO SPACE.

THE FIERY DRAGON KID See: FIRE DRAGON

THE FIFTH ELEMENT (1997 FRAN US) D/W: LUC BESSON W: ROBERT MARK KAMEN P: PATRICE LEDOUX Beginning in Egypt 1914 and mostly taking place in 2263, this highly original and entertaining sci-fi adventure comedy features gorgeous orange-haired model Milla Jovovich as the mysterious fifth element who may be able to save the Earth from destruction by a fiery planet of pure evil. Bruce Willis stars as a hover-cab driver, Gary Oldman hams it up a treat as the evil Zorg (who has a strange longnosed animal under his desk) and Ian Holm and Charlie Creed-Miles (from Oldman’s NIL BY MOUTH) are heroic priests. Besson has crammed so much eye candy and genuinely disarming and different eccentricities into its two hour running time that you just can’t help loving it, despite its faults. The love-conquers-all ending was a bit much for me though. Mark Stetson supervised the extensive, wonderful FX, Eric Serra provides an interesting soundtrack (check out the alien diva) and Jean Paul Gautier’s costumes are very well done. With Brion James, Lee Evans, Chris Tucker, Luke Perry, Tricky, John Neville, John Bluthnal, Kim Chan and Mathieu Kassovitz (director of LA HAINE).

THE 51st STATE (formula 51; chemical 51) (2001 US UK CAN) D: RONNY YU W: STEL PAVLOU P: JONATHAN DEBIN/ANDRAS HAMORI/MALCOLM KOHLL/ SEATON MCLEAN/DAVID PUPKEWITZ Master chemist Samuel L. Jackson (in a kilt) goes from LA to Liverpool with a stash of powerful new designer drugs he’s created. Robert Carlyle is a football-loving local gangster who helps him find buyers. Meat Loaf is The Lizard, an American underworld boss on Jackson’s trail. With Emily Mortimer, Michael J. Reynolds, Sean Pertwee, Ricky Tomlinson, Rhys Ifans and Pavlou. Cinematic junk food that’s loud, grating and filled with overacting, but is at the end of the day an exhilarating crowd-pleaser. Yu made movies like THE BRIDE WITH WHITE HAIR in Hong Kong and started his stateside career with BRIDE OF CHUCKY.

51 (area 51) (2009 US) D: JASON CONNERY W: KENNY YAKKEL/LUCY MUKERJEE P: MOSHE DIAMANT/COURTNEY SOLOMON/YORAM BARZILAI Journalists are permitted to look around the military base in the notorious Area 51, just to prove that there are no aliens there. But in the lower levels there are indeed extraterrestrial life forms that escape and kill. One is a faceless humanoid who can replicate anyone (leading to boring who-is-the-alien situations stolen from THE THING), the other a tentacled man-in-a-suit monster (not a bad retro creation, a cross between ALIEN and EVIL SPAWN/WASP WOMAN). Another nice, wise alien is called J. Rod. A very boring Syfy release from the director of THE DEVIL’S TOMB the same year. With Bruce Boxleitner as a Colonel, Jason “what happened to my career?” London and Rachel Miner as heroic grunts, John Shea as a famous news anchor and Andrew Sensenig. Mukerjee was also coproducer.

52 PICK-UP (dead point) (1986 US) D: JOHN FRANKENHEIMER W: ELMORE LEONARD/JOHN STEPPLING P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS Roy Scheider is a business tycoon who’s filmed having an affair with a young girl. John Glover threatens to tell Scheider’s wife Ann-Margret unless he pays up. When that doesn’t work, things get darker (including a snuff movie subplot). It’s too long and not very good. With Vanity, Kelly Preston, Doug McClure, Ron Jeremy, Jamie Gillis, Clarence Williams III, Tom Byron, Lonny Chapman, Herschel Savage, Amber Lynn, Sharon Mitchell, Debra Berger and Barbara Dare. Leonard adapted it from his own novel of the same name, which had already been filmed as THE AMBASSADOR (1984). Both films are from Cannon.

FIGHT CLUB (1999 US) D: DAVID FINCHER W: JIM UHLS P: ROSS BELL/CEAN CHAFFIN/ART LINSON Fincher, the director of SE7EN, and its star (Brad Pitt) return with this interesting adaption of Chuck Palahniuk’s novel. Edward Norton is very good as a travelling recall co-ordinator for a major car company who suffers from insomnia. After his condo mysteriously explodes, he stays with a wild, anti-consumer Pitt and together they start Fight Club, a place where men can go and beat the shit out of each other in private. The way the story winds from there is not for me to say, you should see it for yourself. A lot could be said about an anti-corporate message coming from 20th Century Fox, but the bottom line is that this film is thoroughly entertaining. It also features particularly good use of computer generated FX (courtesy of Rob Bottin). With Helena Bonham Carter, Meat Loaf with breasts, David Andrews, Jared Leto and Zach Grenier.

FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE (held hostage; staying alive; getting even; i hate your guts; bloodbath at 1313; fury road) (1977 US) D/P: ROBERT A. ENDELSON W: STRAW WEISMAN P: WILLIAM MISHKIN William Sanderson has the role of his career as a racist escaped convict with a “spic” and a “chink” in tow who takes a black Minister’s family hostage at their home in upstate New York. It’s a strong race hatred exploitation twist on THE DESPERATE HOURS that (to be fair) is more notorious than it is actually shocking. It’s also a better suspense film than the 1990 remake of the Bogart vehicle. Producer Mishkin (who does not garner much respect from Sleazoid Express writer Bill Landis) also made SNUFF a 42nd. St. legend.

FIGHTING ACE (kung fu ace; kids ace in the hole; brutal revenge) (1979 HK) D: CHANG CHIH-CHAO W: CHU HSIANG KAN P: LEE TSAO TUNG John Liu gets a job at the town master’s estate so he can learn some kung fu from Kwan Yung Moon, who’s been hired to teach the master’s fat layabout son. When he loses his job he acquires another couple of teachers (one is drunken Wu Ma). Then yet another teacher who turns out to be the guy who killed his parents. Standard kung fu fare is watchable but not remarkable enough to be worth catching up on. With Doris Lung, Chui Chung Hei and Wong Chi Sang. Fight choreography by Wang Yi Sheng and Cheng Tien Syh.

FIGHTING BACK See: DEATH VENGEANCE

FIGHTING DELINQUENTS (kutabare gurentai) (1960 JPN) D: SEIJUN SUZUKI W: GAN YAMAZAKI P: HIDEO KOI Young Koji Wada goes from Tokyo to Awaji Island in Kobe to claim his position as heir to the Matsudaira clan (one assumes it is a gangster family, but no criminal activity is seen). He lives with and antagonises his grandmother (by playing loud rhythm’n’blues) and really upsets the apple cart by insisting to recognise his outcast mother. Land development deals with an arsehole tycoon further convolute things. Despite the title, this is not an action or gangster movie, rather a semi-comical (but not funny) sentimental drama about Wada’s love for his mother. When there is brief action in the final reel, it’s like an old western. Dated and dull. With Chikako Hosokawa, Mayumi Shimizu, Eitaro Ozawa, Kaku Takashima, a nightclub song, and death by whirlpool. Shogoro Nishimura (later a prolific director of sex films for the same company, Nikkatsu) was the assistant director. Based on Kenzaburo Hara’s novel.

THE FIGHTING FISTS OF SHANGHAI JOE (my name is shanghai joe; shanghai joe; to kill or to die; il mio nome e shanghai joe; mezzogiorno di fuoco per han hao) (1972 ITL) D/W: MARIO CAIANO W: CARLO ALBERTO ALFIERI/FABRIZIO TRIFONE TRECCA P: ROBERTO BESSI/RENATO ARGIOLINI Chen Lee stars as a Chinese fighter who wants to be a cowboy in late-19th century Texas. But local racism results in the need to use his martial arts skills. Klaus Kinski isn’t in it long as a knife thrower who scalps his victims. Kung fu western doesn’t quite deserve its cult reputation but is still an enjoyable exploitation film with some gore. With Gordon Mitchell, Giacomo Rossi Stuart, Piero Lulli, Andrea Aureli, Dante Cleri, Umberto D’ Orsi, Luigi Antonio Guerra and Dante Maggio. THE RETURN OF SHANGHAI JOE (1975) followed.

FIGHTING JUSTICE (1979) See: LADY IRON MONKEY

FIGHTING MAD (1976 US) D/W: JONATHAN DEMME P: ROGER CORMAN Corman produced this for 20th Century Fox and Jesse Vint claims it ripped off his script which was later made into BLACK OAK CONSPIRACY (1977) over at Corman’s New World. Either way this is a decent fast-paced revenge flick. Peter Fonda stars as a divorcé with his son who returns from the city to his dad’s Arkansas horse ranch. Philip Carey is the evil real-estate developer who has the father (John Doucette) and brother (Scott Glenn) killed when they won’t give give their land up for strip mining. With Lynn Lory and Noble Willingham. Monte Hellman was the editor.

FIGHTING MAD (death force; the force) (1978 PHIL US) D/W: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO W: HOWARD R. COHEN W/P: ROBERT E. WATERS James Inglehart is a ’nam vet on a stop-off on the way home in Manila, smuggling some drugs with a couple of buddies (for Vic Diaz). They (Leon Isaac Kennedy and Carmen Argenziano) stab him, throw him off a yacht and leave him for dead. He drifts up on an island, and is nursed back to health by a couple of WWII Japanese soldiers who think the war is still on. One of them speaks with a dubbed Bela Lugosi-does-Japanese voice and teaches him how to fight with a Samurai sword. He manages to get back to LA to his beautiful club singer wife (Jayne Kennedy, a former Miss Ohio and Isaac Kennedy’s real-life wife), and wipes out gangsters led by his ruthless mob boss’ former partners. It ends with a few beheadings in Mexico. Not so bad, but seems overlong and lacks exploitation bite. For some reason a very tall man delivers a pizza in one scene. Inglehart (the star of SAVAGE!) and Kennedy were associate producers. With Joonee Gambon, Leo Martinez, Tony Carreon, Ramon D’Salva and Rocco Montalban. The Kennedys later starred in the BODY & SOUL remake (1981) together. Former Detroit DJ Leon (The Lover) is now a minister, with a different wife (a former Miss Bahamas).

FIGHT OF AN ANGRY DRAGON See: THE MASSIVE

FIGHT OR FLIGHT See: THE TERROR EXPERIMENT

FIGHT, ZATOICHI, FIGHT (zatoichi kessho-tabi) (1964 JPN) D: KENJI MISUMI W: SEIJI HOSHIKAWA P: IKURO KUBOKAWA One of the best entries in this consistently excellent series about a blind masseur skilled at the use of his cane sword. Zatoichi (series regular Shintaro Katsu, who’s excellent) feels responsible after some hired assassins accidentally kill a woman instead of him so transports her baby cross-country to the father. Katsu is particularly good this time, showing genuine tenderness and love for the baby, but he can still slice-up a whole lot of baddies midway through changing a nappy! With Hizuro Tachikawa, Nobuo Kaneko, Yoshi Kato, Tatsuya Ishiguro, Saburo Date, Shousaku Sugiyama and Shouzo Nanbu. ADVENTURES OF A BLIND MAN was next.

FIGHT ZONE See: THE AVENGING FIST

THE FILTH AND THE FURY (no future)(1999 UK) D: JULIEN TEMPLE P: ANITA CAMARATA/ AMANDA TEMPLE Temple had directed THE GREAT ROCK’N’ROLL SWINDLE, a partly animated look at The Sex Pistols (primarily the publicity and scandal “tactics”) through the eyes of their manager and professional bullshit artist Malcolm McLaren, so this very anti-McLaren documentary could be considered as redressing the balance. John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten), Steve James, Paul Cook (who are all seen in silhouette for some reason) and Glen Matlock are interviewed, McLaren is heard and ridiculed (as is Matlock) and Sid Vicious is represented by old interview footage. There’s a wealth of previously unseen live footage, clips from SWINDLE and constant (sometimes overkill) intercutting of tv comedians, commercials and news bulletins to help put things into the context of the times. Seeing Rotten handing out cake to little kids at a benefit concert for striking firemen before jumping on stage (the kids dance around having a great time) is priceless. It may occasionally seem a little self-important, but this revealing documentary provides new info for those of you (like me) who are probably sick and tired of hearing about the once great punk band that did, at the end of the day, write good, catchy rock songs. The brief 90s comeback tour is not mentioned.

FINAL ASCENT See: FINAL DESCENT

FINAL ATROCITY See: ALL NIGHT LONG 3

FINAL COMBINATION See: DEAD CONNECTION

THE FINAL COMEDOWN (1972 US) D/W/P: OSCAR WILLIAMS A violent protest from blacks on the city streets leads to a siege with trigger-happy cops in riot gear. Billy Dee Williams has flashbacks of how it came to this. Maidie Norman is his disapproving mother. His white girlfriend is part of a well-meaning but ineffective group of white sympathizers. R.G. Armstrong is her disapproving father. Williams made this heavy-handed but interesting (and extremely bleak), serious drama with an AFI grant. Roger Corman later had it re-edited with new footage shot by Allan Arkush for a New World rerelease (as BLAST!) in 77. With (associate producer) D’Urville Martin and Raymond St. Jacques. Williams returned with the more lighthearted FIVE ON THE BLACK HAND SIDE (1973).

THE FINAL CONFLICT: OMEN 3 (1980 UK) D: GRAHAM BAKER W: ANDREW BIRKIN P: HARVEY BERNHARD Damien Thorn (Sam Neill) is now a grown-up corporate powerhouse and ambassador to the UK in this third entry which was a flop at the box office, but is in some ways ways more interesting than the previous two. Disciples of the demonic bastard (who puts forward a convincing argument for devil worship) are ordered to kill all babies born on March 24, so that the second coming of Christ will be averted. Don Gordon is Damien’s private secretary/right-hand man who refuses to kill his son. The opening 10 mins are worth catching anyway for a gory shotgun suicide. With Charles Durning, Rossano Brazzi, Norman Bird, Hazel Court and Ruby Wax. OMEN 4 followed.

FINAL CONTACT See: FINAL EQUINOX

THE FINAL CUT (1995 CAN) D: ROGER CHRISTIAN W: RAUL INGLIS/CRASH LAYLAND P: ROBERT AND WILLIAM VINCE Someone is terrorising Seattle (actually Vancouver) with a series of clever complicated bombs that the bomb squad can’t defuse. Sam Elliott is the retired CIA explosives expert hero who’s set up to take the fall. For some reason he’s also irresistible to women. It’s an entertaining thriller with some tense moments, from the director of NOSTRADAMUS. With Charles Martin Smith, Matt Craven, John Hannah, Amanda Plummer, Ray Baker, Philip Granger and Campbell Lane. The villain is not Stephen Hawking.

THE FINAL DARKNESS See: BEYOND THE DARKNESS

FINAL DEAD BRIDGE See: FINAL DESTINATION 5

FINAL DEAD CIRCUIT See: THE FINAL DESTINATION

FINAL DEAD COASTER See: FINAL DESTINATION 3

FINAL DESCENT (final ascent; north face; hanging) (2000 CAN US) D: DAVID WARRY SMITH W: JEFF YONIS/ROB KERCHNER/PAUL DI FRANCO P: SHAWN WILLIAMSON/JAMES SHAVICK/LANCE H. ROBBINS Antonio Sabato Jr. is one of the guides of a mountain climbing course. Patrick Muldoon leads a gang of ex-cons who hijack their lesson up a mountain in this very dull CLIFFHANGER/VERTICAL LIMIT inspired tv movie. With Jürgen Prochnow, Ty Olsson and Colin Lawrence.

FINAL DESTINATION (2000 US) D/W: JAMES WONG W/P: GLEN MORGAN W: JEFFREY REDDICK P: WARREN ZIDE/CRAIG PERRY Devon Sawa is a New York teen about to fly to Paris with fellow students and teachers. Prior to take-off he experiences a vision of the plane exploding and gets off (along with a few others) and his prophecy comes true. The survivors later start dying mysterious deaths, and Sawa must try to figure out Death’s design to in order to stay alive. Tony Todd’s campy cameo as a mortician was an element that most people thought should have been cut out, but it’s a fine example of how to accept this film. It’s just a fun rollercoaster ride and audience-pleaser that happens to have an unusual and interesting plot that seems to lead many people into taking it too seriously, and if you approach it intellectually, then it disappoints. The ending is a hoot (the original ending was cut out). With Ali Larter, Seann William Scott, Kerr Smith, Kristen Cloke, Daniel Roebuck, Brendan Fehr and Robert Wisden.

THE FINAL DESTINATION (final dead circuit) (2009 US) D: DAVID R. ELLIS W: ERIC BRESS P: CRAIG PERRY/ WARREN ZIDE Confusingly retro-titled entry is actually the fourth in the series. This time spectators at a racing track escape the (ridiculous) carnage following an accident, only to have Death following them, and the usual red herring-filled gory set pieces result. Some major cheating on the premise here, unless you believe that behind all businesses in modern American cities are dodgy, old, constantly malfunctioning machines… but it still manages to be good fun. With Mykelti Williamson and clips from THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT. Originally in theatres in 3D.

FINAL DESTINATION 2 (dead coaster) (2003 US) D: DAVID R. ELLIS W: J. MACKYE GRUBER/ERIC BRESS/JEFFREY REDDICK P: CRAIG PERRY/WARREN ZIDE This sequel begins with a great motorway pile-up disaster scene. Survivors who should have died in the car crash suffer gory deaths after playful, elaborate set-up suspense scenes. Like the original, it’s good cinematic junk food. Ali Larter and Tony Todd return, with A.J. Hawk, Michael Landes, Keegan Connor Tracy, Lynda Boyd, James N. Kirk, David Pactkau, Sarah Carter, Aaron Doglas, Andrew Airlie, Eileeen Peddoe, Noel Fisher, Benita Ha, Eric Keeleyside and Alf Humphrey. Filmed in and around Vancouver. Next was…

FINAL DESTINATION 3 (final dead coaster) (2005 US) D/W/P: JAMES WONG W/P: GLEN MORGAN P: CRAIG PERRY/WARREN ZIDE All the FINAL DESTINATION movies begin with a major disaster in which the death of several characters is prophecised by the lead, whose intervention thwarts their inevitable fate. Death itself tracks down each (accidental) survivor and has them die in inventive ways adhering to the order in which they were originally meant to go. In this entry it’s a rollercoaster crash, and the subsequent deaths are the usual unexpected gory set pieces (this series really makes clear how times have changed, and how nowadays Fulci-like splatter scenes are accepted multiplex fodder for teens). I liked both previous entries as good junk entertainment, and (despite some formulaic fatigue showing) pretty much enjoyed this one, too. Mary Elizabeth Winstead stars. With Ryan Merriman, Kris Lemche, Alexz Johnson, Amanda Crew and the voice of Tony Todd. It was shot in Vancouver (as were the first two). If they chuck a bit of variety into the mix, I could enjoy more sequels. (And, indeed, there were more…)

FINAL DESTINATION 5 (final dead bridge) (2011 US) D: STEVEN QUALE W: ERIC HEISSERER P: CRAIG PERRY/WARREN ZIDE This time a coachload of salespeople survive the collapse of a bridge under construction thanks to Nicholas D’Agosto’s premonition. The usual carnage (including laser eye surgery gone wrong) results, and the red herring-filled tease set pieces are a lot of fun. A new twist about allowing another person’s death to cover yours is introduced by returning Tony Todd, as a coroner. The ending brings the series full circle for fans. Followed by a best-of series gore montage set to AC/ DC. With Emma Bell, Courtney B. Vance, Miles Fisher, Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, P.J. Byrne, David Koechner and Mike Dopud. Originally 3D in theatres. Shot in Vancouver.

FINAL EQUINOX (alien weapon i; final contact) (1995 US) D/W/P: SERGE RODUNSKY P: DAN BATES/ JIMMY LIFTON “In the not too distant future” detective Joe Lara returns to Earth from a long space holiday with his girlfriend who’s having some emotional problems (that don’t have anything to do with the story). Martin Kove hires him to find some kind of alien weapon that’s been stolen by Vincent Klyn. A lurking David Warner explains how it’s some kind of device for triggering life on dead planets. Very bad computer FX show bright vegetation about to engulf LA at the end, before a cutaway to an alien hand turning the device off and some senseless attempt at concluding. If that’s not enough you get bad kick-boxing scenes as well.

THE FINAL EXECUTIONER (last soldier; l’ultimo guerriero) (1983 ITL) D: ROMOLO GUERRIERI W: ROBERTO LEONI P: LUCIANO APPIGNANI After seeing footage of an A-bomb test, a volcano erupting and the destruction of Hiroshima, a narrator informs us that in the post-nuke world a minority of rich un-infected sadists track and kill contaminated poor people in “the hunt”. And that is indeed what happens, endlessly in a big quarry and disused factory. Boring and shite are two words that spring to mind. Woody Strode (dubbed by someone else) trains star William Mang to fight back in one of several futuristic MOST DANGEROUS GAME mutations of the era (this time backed by Cannon). With Giovanni Cianfriglia. Footage of Woody turned up in THE BRONX EXECUTIONER, and other bits were in URBAN WARRIORS (1987).

FINAL FIGHT See: BLOODFIGHT

THE FINAL OPTION See: WHO DARES WINS

FINAL PAYMENT See: SYNDICATE SADISTS

FINAL VOYAGE (atlantic project) (1999 US) D: “JAY ANDREWS” (JIM WYNORSKI) W: JAMES MORLEY III W/P: ANDREW STEVENS P: KEVIN O’NEILL Phoenician Entertainment churns out more derivative shelf-filler crap. This time Erika Eleniak and bodyguard Dylan Walsh battle terrorists led by Ice T and Claudia Christian who hijack the maiden voyage of a reconstructed Queen Mary (which is sinking). If this sounds unmissable, you deserve each other. With Stephen Macht, Michael Bailey Smith, Chick Vennera, Richard Gabai, Scott L. Schwartz, Terry Moore, Rick Ducommun and Nikki Fritz.

FINDING GRACELAND (graceland) (1998 US) D/W: DAVID WINKLER W: JASON HORWITCH P: CARY BROKAW Traumatised, grieving medical student Johnathon Schaech drifts around the country in his Cadillac (with the door missing) after his fiancee (a briefly seen Gretchen Moll) died when they hit a train. He picks up a hitchhiker (Harvey Keitel) who claims to be Elvis. The pushy, philosophical Elvis irritates non-believer Schaech at first, but everyone they meet seems to believe that Keitel is the king of rock’n’roll. Offbeat road movie is low-key but upbeat, and watching Keitel (“Remember the king”) is fun. He even does a number on stage in a jumpsuit. With Bridget Fonda as a Marilyn Monroe impersonator, John Aylward and a look at Graceland. Priscilla Presley was an executive producer.

FINGERS (1977 US) D/W/P: JAMES TOBACK P: GEORGE BARRIE Harvey Keitel fans shouldn’t miss this unique, bizarre and pretty damn good New York City psychodrama, with some similarities to TAXI DRIVER. He plays a wannabe concert pianist who’s asked by his father (Michael V. Gazzo, who’s fucking great, too) to collect gambling debts. Keitel carries a boombox to blast out doo wop oldies, and seems obsessed with weirdo hooker Tisa Farrow (an Italian exploitation staple). He also has extremely ambiguous psychological problems. I like this movie a lot, despite (or perhaps because) I can’t quite figure it out. Cult material for sure. With big Jim Brown, Danny Aiello, Tanya Roberts, Marian Seldes, Ed Marinaro, Tom Signorelli, Tony Sirilo and Frank Pesce. It was remade in France in 2005 as THE BEAT THAT MY HEART SKIPPED. Toback had previously written THE GAMBLER before this, his directorial debut.

FIREBALL (1978) See: FAST COMPANY

FIREBIRD See: RAGAN

FIRECRACKER! See: NAKED FIST

FIRE DOWN BELOW (1997 US) D: FELIX ENRIQUEZ W: JEB STUART/PHILIP MORTON P: JULIUS R. NASSO/ STEVEN SEAGAL Seagal tries to be Billy Jack again as an EPA agent investigating toxic waste dumping in Appalachia. Kris Kristofferson is the corporate villain and Harry Dean Stanton is sadly wasted as the village idiot. Not even laughable, it just sucks. With Marg Helgenberger, Stephen Lang, Levon Helm from The Band, Richard Masur, John Diehl, Robert Ridgely, Ernie Lively and Blue Deckert.

FIRE DRAGON (the fiery dragon kid; foh wan chuen kei; huo yun chaun qi) (1994 HK) D: YUEN WOO PING W: ELSA TANG P: THOMAS NG Brigitte Lin is the Fire Dragon, a loyal servant of the corrupt Sixth Prince, who fights with flaming palms and sword. When loyalist Max Mok secretly tries to relay plans of the Prince’s crooked plans to the Emperor, he must hide out with some gypsy acrobat performers (managed by horny comic relief Sandra Ng). Lin fakes an injury in the woods, and also joins the troupe. Predictably she learns to care for them, and protects them from another skilled female disciple of the Prince, and later takes him on in an explosive, fiery climax. This period actioner slows down during the bonding and human drama stretches, but features just enough of the exhilarating fight action (choreographed by Yuen Chang Yan) that you’d expect from Woo Ping, to make it worthwhile viewing.

FIREFALL See: FREEFALL

FIREFOX (1982 US) D/P: CLINT EASTWOOD W: ALEX LASKER/WENDELL WELLMAN The title refers to a super hi-tech Soviet fighter jet controlled by thought impulses. Eastwood goes undercover in Russia so he can steal it for America. At over two hours, this espionage thriller is way too long but does have some impressive aerial sequences. It was mostly filmed in Hungary. With Warren Clarke, Freddie Jones, Ronald Lacey, Nigel Hawthorne, Klaus Lowitsch, Eugene Lipinski and John Ratzenberger. It’s based on a novel by Craig Thomas. Are you one of the lucky ones who owned a FIREFOX video game featuring Eastwood’s voice?

FIRE GAME See: GOLD RAIDERS

FIREHAWK (1992 US PHIL) D/W/P: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO W: JEFF YONIS W/P: ROB KERCHNER P: CHRISTOPHER R. SANTIAGO/STEVEN RABINER Just what we needed, yet another dull ’nam action adventure by Santiago for executive producer Roger Corman’s Concorde/New Horizons. This one stars Martin Kove and Matt Salinger, with Yonis and a soundtrack pilfered from elsewhere.

FIRE MAIDENS OF OUTER SPACE (1956 UK) D/W/P: CY ROTH Anthony Dexter leads a crew of Brit astronauts who land on Jupiter’s thirteenth moon (looking suspiciously like a stretch of the English countryside) and discover miniskirted, fireworshipping dancing women (who listen to the music of Borodin a lot) and an old man who claims to be their father and keeps them prisoner. Apparently they are survivors from Atlantis, and worship Aphrodite. Outside the electrified wall (!) a mutant lurks. Legendarily awful British sci-fi is pretty bad, but modern viewers will be disappointed if they expect a laugh riot. I first caught this on afternoon tv when I was off school ill as a kid and couldn’t believe the ineptitude I saw, so I’m more endeared towards it than most. With Harry Fowler, Sydney Tafler and some outrageous continuity errors. I suspect it was the UK’s answer to CAT-WOMEN OF THE MOON.

FIRE MAX See: WHEELS OF FIRE

FIRE ON GREAT WALL See: NINJA OVER THE GREAT WALL

FIRES ON THE PLAIN (nobi) (1959 JPN) D: KON ICHIKAWA W: NATTO WADA P: MASAICHI NAGATA Eiji Funakoshi stars as an ill, starving Japanese soldier somewhere in the Philippines towards the end of World War II, in this classic, bleak anti-war movie. Based on Shohei Ooka’s extraordinary semi-autobiographical novel, it’s a unique satire that manages to sometimes seem like a surreal, absurdist black comedy, while all the while delivering dark, unflinching realism. A real nightmare of men trapped between death, duty, idealism, honour, madness and cannibalism, perfectly realised with Setsu Kobayashi’s b/w photography. With Mickey Curtis, Osamu Takizawa, Jun Hamamura and many, many great scenes that’ll stay with you. Don’t miss this one. Ichikawa and Wada had previously collaborated on the war movie THE BURMESE HARP (1956).

FIRESTARTER (1984 US) D: MARK L. LESTER W: STANLEY MANN P: FRANK CAPRA JR. David Keith and Heather Locklear (in her movie debut) develop powerful psychic powers after a government experiment. They give birth to Drew Barrymore, a little girl with strong pyrokinetic powers (the ability to start fires with her mind). The villains who want to get their hands on her include Martin Sheen, George C. Scott and Moses Gunn. It’s not a bad Stephen King adaption, but too slow and overlong. With Art Carney, Louise Fletcher, Freddie Jones, Antonio Fargas, Robert Miano and Leon Rippy. A sequel followed years later. SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION was a variation on the same idea, replacing Barrymore with Brad Dourif.

FIRESTARTER: REKINDLED (2002 US) D: ROBERT ISCOVE W: PHILIP EISNER P: JEFFREY MORTON Victims from the 1979 experimental drug research project are due a court settlement, so Danny Nucci has to track down the participants, including the presumed dead Charlie (Marguerite Moreau as the grown-up little girl played by Drew Barrymore in the original). Malcolm McDowell is still experimenting with kids and the agency Nucci works for (run by Courtney Gains) is killing off the survivors of his previous experiments. This very bad miniseries follow up (that’s almost three hours long) also co-stars a low-key Dennis Hopper as a character who can see the past, the present and the future. With Skye McCole.

FIREWALKER (1986 US) D: J. LEE THOMPSON W: ROBERT GOSNELL/NORMAN ALADJEM/JEFFREY M. ROSENBAUM P: YORAM GLOBUS/MEHAHEM GOLAN Ill-advised comedy-adventure from Cannon stars Chuck Norris and Louis Gossett Jr. as a couple of adventurers for hire searching for an Aztec/ Mayan treasure on Native Indian land down Mexico way. This Indiana Jones-inspired bore is less than hilarious. With John Rhys Davies and his undecided accent, ex-porno performer Sonny Landham and Ian Abercrombie.

FIREWORKS (1987) See: THREE KINDS OF HEAT

FIREWORKS (1997) See: HANA-BI

THE FIRING LINE (1991 US PHIL) D/W: JOHN GALE W: SONNY SANDERS P: SILVER SCREEN INTERNATIONAL Reb Brown stars as a military advisor for a South American government who defects and fights for jungle revolutionaries in this boring action quickie. Shannon Tweed co-stars.

FIRST BLOOD (rambo: first blood) (1981 US) D: TED KOTCHEFF W: MICHAEL KOZOLL/WILLIAM SACKHEIM/ SYLVESTER STALLONE P: BUZZ FETISHANS Stallone stars as Green Beret ’nam-vet John Rambo in this superior action hit based on a David Morrell novel. After finding out that his ’nam buddy died from (Agent Orange) cancer, he gets arrested by small-town sherrif Brian Dennehy for vagrancy when he’s just drifting through. He escapes from police custody and wages war on the backwoods cops and national guard that go after him. Richard Crenna is his ex-commander who comes to help out and Jack Starrett seems to be enjoying himself as a hateful, sadistic deputy. With David Caruso, Bill McKinney, Michael Talbott, Chris Mulkey and an uncredited Suzee Pai. Stupid sequels started with RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART 2.

FIRST DEGREE See: FELONS

FIRST MAN INTO SPACE (1959 UK) D: ROBERT DAY W/P: “JOHN C. COOPER” (JOHN CROYDON)/“LANCE Z. HARGREAVES” (CHARLES F. VETTER) In this fondly remembered QUATERMASS-inspired b/w sci-fi/ horror crossover, a cocky space pilot goes too far into space, wipes-out and returns a blood-drinking monster covered in space dust, save for one exposed eye. Supposedly set in New Mexico (with Marshall Thompson as the American lead), it was in fact shot in Hertfordshire by Anglo-Amalgamated. Still worth watching, it is somewhat dated and slow (an understandable hit at the time though). With Larry Taylor. Richard Gordon was the executive producer. The original story came from Wyatt Ordung.

THE FIRST MISSION See: HEART OF DRAGON

THE FIRST NUDIE MUSICAL (1976 US) D/W: BRUCE KIMMEL D: MARK HAGGARD P: JACK REEVES A guy attempts to save his small skinflick studio from going out of business by making a porno musical. Investors who want him to fail give him a two week shooting schedule and saddle him with a dumb, young inexperienced “director” called John Smithee (real director Kimmel). Cindy Williams is his love interest secretary. There’s little nudity and even fewer laughs. MANTIS IN LACE fans might want to know that Susan Stewart is in it, and Ron Howard has a bit-part. Kimmel and Williams returned with THE CREATURE WASN’T NICE.

THE FIRST POWER (pentagram; transit) (1990 US) D/W: ROBERT RESNIKOFF P: DAVID MADDEN LA detective Lou Diamond Philips catches Satanist and serial killer Jeff Kober and sends him to the gas chamber. He dies there but returns as “some kind of force” that possesses various characters and can cause major hallucinations. A female psychic and a nun are on Philips’s side. Slick but nonsensical and forgettable. With Dennis Lipscomb, Mykel T. Williamson, Grand L. Bush, Carmen Argenziano, Philip Abbott, a brief appearance from David Gale as a monsignor and Melanie Shatner.

FIRST SHOT (lim ching dai yat gik; lian zheng di yi ji) (1993 HK) D/P: DAVID LAM W: SO MAN SING/CHAN KIU YING/WONG HO WAH Here’s a pretty good rip-off of DePalma’s THE UNTOUCHABLES (1987), actually based on a true story of police corruption in HK in the 70s. Ti Lung and Waise Lee take over the Costner and DeNiro roles. The action scenes are better, but there are awful gay stereotypes. With Maggie Cheung, Simon Yam, Jamie Luk, Andy Hui, Baat Leung Gam, Frankie Chan and Lee Hoi Sang. My favourite part was when a character is seen wearing the once popular yellow Bruce Lee jumpsuit.

FIRST SPACESHIP ON VENUS (silent star; der schweigende stern; der stille stern; milczaca gwiazda; molczaci krydla) (1959 E.GER PO) D/W: KURT MAETZIG D: HIERONIM PRZYBYL W: JAN FETHKE/J. BARKHAVER/WOLFGANG KOHLASSE/GUNTER REISCH/GUNTER RUCKER/A. STENBOCK-FERMOR This visually impressive and very interesting colour Soviet sci-fi was released in the US in 1962 at 78 mins (it was originally 130). While irrigating the Gobi desert in future 1985, what is believed to be a meteor is discovered. But it is in fact a spaceship from Venus. An international team of scientists (including a black guy, a Chinese guy and Japanese-French model Yoko Tani) fly to the mist-shrouded planet to investigate. It’s televised so a narrator lets us know what’s going on. They survive a meteor shower, find a petrified forest and analyse bouncing metal insects (!). They also work out that the long-dead Venusians were planning to conquer Earth using some kind of black slime that feeds on energy. They return to Earth at the end, having to leave one member of crew behind. With Gunther Simon, Eva Maria Hagen, Eduard Von Winterstein and a comic relief chess-playing little robot tank. It’s based on Stanislaw Lem’s novel The Astronauts. The US version was supervised by Hugo Grimaldi (THE HUMAN DUPLICATORS). It’d be nice to see a full-length restoration (edit: this wish has come true, check out SILENT STAR dvds).

FIRST STRIKE (jackie chan’s first strike; police story 4; ging chaat goo si ji gaan daan yam miu; jing cha gu shi zhi jian chan ren woo) (1996 HK US) D/W: STANLEY TONG W: NICK TRAMONTANE/GREG MELLOTT/ ELLIOT TONG P: BARBIE TUNG This has no relation to any of the POLICE STORY series. Cop Jackie Chan ends up pursuing some woman first in the Ukraine, and then later in Russia. Other agents are also after her and the big McGuffin is some nuclear weapon. Normally a mindless script doesn’t matter too much in a Chan vehicle, but this is way too vague and slapdash, and there is consequently no core to play out the impressive action and stunts upon (and that department is also somewhat lacking this time). Twenty mins were edited out in the US, making even less sense. With Annie Wu, WWF wrestler Nathan Jones, Ken Lo, Iliah Volokh, George Cheung and Conan Lee. Parts were also filmed in Australia and HK. Tong had previously directed Chan in POLICE STORY 3 and RUMBLE IN THE BRONX.

THE FIRST TURN-ON! (1983 US) D/W/P: MICHAEL HERZ/LLOYD KAUFMAN W: STUART STRUTIN/MARK TORGL/GEORGIA HARRELL Vincent D’Onofrio got an early role in this stupid but enjoyable comedy from Troma. “Teens” and their teacher get stuck in a cave during a camping trip so tell each other their first time sex stories to pass the time. It’s most famous for being the movie that Madonna auditioned for and got turned down. Torgl (who also has a part) went on to infamy as the pre-Toxie nerd in THE TOXIC AVENGER.

THE FIRST VAMPIRE IN CHINA (maau saan hok tong; mao shan xiao tang) (1986 HK) D/W: WONG YING W: LEE WING GAAI An intro explains how a dead body was encased in a jade suit of armour, came to life and was then buried in an earthquake. Characters who attempt to rob his resting place of the jade awaken him, now looking like a (very cool) zombie in tinfoil. Hwang Jang Lee (also in the supernatural WHERE’S OFFICER TUBA? the same year) appears briefly as a vampire. There are also ghosts and unfortunately too much emphasis on comedy from Charlie Cho Cha Le and the cross-eyed To Siu-Ming (I did laugh at his Jingle Bells routine though). Did I mention the zombie cockerel? With Sek Kin (in movies since the 40s) and Shing Fui On. It’ll probably be enjoyed by Hong Kong horror fantasy completists.

FIRST WOMAN IN SPACE (space monster; space probe taurus) (1965 US) D/W/P: LEONARD KATZMAN P: BURT TOPPER Four astronauts (including Francine York) go on a mission to find a planet that humans can live on. They end up underwater with giant crabs, encounter a hostile alien and eat meal pills. I don’t think anyone knew what kind of sci-fi they wanted (all the titles are pretty generic) so they tried a bit of everything. Not great, but quite entertaining in a slight way. In b/w, with Don Post’s WIZARD OF MARS head and Harry Thomas makeup.

A FIST FULL OF TALONS (earth, wind, fire, mountains; hu ying; foo ying) (1983 HK) D: SUN CHUNG W: BARRY WONG Billy Chong learns Four Element style kung fu to help stop Qing rebels from reclaiming the Republic of China in this reasonably good kung fu flick held in high regard by some fans of the genre. The final conflict (in an impressive location) is a little more realistic and less stylised than most. With Tien Feng, Whang In Shik, Pai Ying, Kong Do and Cheng Hong Yip.

A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS (por un punado de dolares; fur eine handvoll dollar; per un pugno di dollari) (1964 ITL SPN W.GER) D/W: “BOB ROBERTSON” (SERGIO LEONE) W: A. BONZZONI/VICTOR ANDRES CATENA/JAIME COMAS GIL/FERNANDI DILEO/CLINT EASTWOOD/DUCCIO TESSARI P: “HARRY COLOMBO” (ARRIGO COLOMBO)/GIROGIO PAPI This influential hit determined the look and feel of Euro (and world) westerns to come. It copies Akira Kurosawa’s YOJIMBO pretty closely. Clint Eastwood is the man with no name (a character originally planned for James Coburn or Lee Marvin) who enters the strange feuding ghost town and fights for himself, playing both sides against each other. It’s cruder than later Leone westerns (when he perfected his craft), but is still very good. Mostly shot around Almeria (in Andalucia, Spain), and countless other “spaghetti” (or macaroni) westerns were filmed there too. Eastwood was a little known tv player in the States before this turned him into an international star. With Marianne Koch, Lorenzo Robledo, Umberto Spadaro, Enrico Maria Salerno, Fernando Sanchez Polack, Gian Maria Volante, Wolfgang Lukschy, Sieghardt Rupp, José Calvo, Aldo Sambrell, Daniel Martin, Joseph Egger, Mario Brega, Carla Calo, Raf Baldassare, Luis Barboo, Frank Brana, José Canalejas, Antonio Molino Rojo, Julio Perez Tabernero (who later directed CANNIBAL TERROR) and José Riesgo. Scenes directed for an extended American tv version by Monte Hellman include Harry Dean Stanton. The soundtrack is Ennio Morricone. FOR A FEW DOLLARS more was the follow up.

FISTFUL OF THE DRAGON See: FIST OF FURY 2

FIST OF FEAR, TOUCH OF DEATH (the dragon and the cobra) (1980 US) D/W: MATTHEW MALLINSON W: RON HARVEY P: TERRY LEVENE Madison Square Garden 1979, and there’s a convention demonstrating the “Oriental world of self-defence” advertised on the marquee. But according to our host it’s the “world karate championship” to determine the “successor to Bruce Lee” (who didn’t even do karate)! The “organiser” is interviewed, explaining his theory on how Lee was killed with the “touch of death” or “vibrating palm”. Minimal amount of footage from the event is shown, what we get more of is badlydubbed footage of an early b/w Lee drama, passed off as a look at his family life! Intercut with this (as flashbacks) is footage from a 70s kung fu flick which is supposed to represent Lee’s great great grandfather (!) who was apparently a great Samurai warrior!?!!! This segment makes up about half of the 90 minute running time! To pad it out more, we have the ever-grumpy Fred Williamson being mistaken for Harry Belafonte (?) and hanging out in bed with some chick (“ain’t five times enough for you”, “let’s make it a six-pack”). Ron Van Clief turns up for a laughable samurai sword demonstration, and to stop a woman getting raped by thugs. Some guy gets dressed up as Kato from THE GREEN HORNET and beats up more thugs in another filler sequence. People paid money to see this thing in theatres! Amazing!!! Writer Harvey appears briefly as “Jasper Milquetoast”.

FIST OF FURY (1971) See: THE BIG BOSS

FIST OF FURY (the chinese connection; cheng miu moon; jing wu men) (1972 HK) D/W: LO WEI P: RAYMOND CHOW You can’t underestimate the impact that this very average kung fu production had. THE BIG BOSS had been a hit previously, but this one broke box office records and Bruce Lee became a star (and in some ways a near mythical figure for some). For level-headed martial arts fans who don’t care much for Lee’s arrogant persona (which, to be fair the story is well suited for), the tale of a kung fu student avenging the death of his father and the occupation of his people by the Japanese in 1930s Shanghai is nothing special. With Nora Miao, director Wei, Paul Wei, Lee Kun, James Tien, Yuen Wah, Yuen Kuai, Tien Feng, Lau Wing, Ngai Ping Ngo, Wong Chung Shun, Unicorn Chan, Ng Ming Choi, Mars, Billy Chan, Peter Chan Lung, Sham Chin Bo, Lam Ching Ying and stuntman Jackie Chan. Choreography by Han Ying Chieh (who also appears) and Lee himself. Remade as FIST OF LEGEND.

FIST OF FURY 2 (the chinese connection part 2; fistful of the dragon; jeet kune the claws and the supreme kung fu; jie quan ying zhao gong) (1975 HK) D/P: JIMMY SHAW P: R.P. SHAH Above average Bruce Li vehicle has Li as the brother of Bruce Lee’s character in the original, returning to continue his work and cause a patriotic uprising. It’s well directed and there are plentiful fights (choreographed by Tommy Lee, from THE HOT, THE COOL AND THE VICIOUS). At the end Li faces-off against Japanese villain Lo Lieh. The scene where the defeated Lieh commits Hara-Kiri was strange for me to watch because the soundtrack plays the same music that was at my wedding in Japan! With Phillip Ko Fei.

FIST OF GOLDEN MONKEY (1980 S.KOR) (martial arts for revenge; eight disciples) D: “GODFREY HO” P: “TOMAS TANG”/JOSEPH LAI Elton Chong learns crab style to defeat Eagle Han in this slightly better than average slice of Ho kung fu sewage. Billy Mao’s fight choreography is pretty good, there’s nice training scenes and an insufferably catchy theme tune. One of several Korean productions ripped-off by Lai’s IFD.

FIST OF LEGEND (cheng miu ying; jing wu ying xiong) (1994 HK) D/W: GORDON CHAN W: IP KWONG KIM/LAM KAY TOA P: JET LI Li stars in this update of Bruce Lee’s FIST OF FURY. It’s an entertaining fight flick and Li is perfect in the role of the returning student avenging his father’s death at the hands of invading Japanese. But it’s no classic, as you may have been led to believe. However, the martial arts (choreographed and overseen by Yuen Woo Ping) are first-class. From the opening bonecrunching classroom scuffle to the endurance test finale as Li faces off against the well ‘ard Yasukai Kurata. With Shinobu Nakayama as the love interest, Billy Chow, Chin Siu Ho, Paul Chun Pui, Yuen Chang Yan and Chow Gam Kong.

FIST OF LEGENDS 2: IRON BODYGUARDS (1996) D: ROBERT TAI P: TOBY RUSSELL/GEORGE TAN This one’s a mess. They took footage from an old unidentified martial arts film (ASSASSIN, and maybe another) and inserted new footage of “Jet Le” (!) to try to tie it all together (unsuccessfully), and make it seem like a sequel (I assume they also overdubbed new dialogue). Neither the old or the new stuff is particularly inspiring. What appears to be a ball of moss turns into a ninja, and a Russian character is called “Mr. Jerkoff” (ha ha). Look for Bolo Yeung, Lung Fei, Tin Fung and Tai. The choreography (which footage I’m not sure) is credited to Tai, Alexander Lo Rei and Lau Kar Wing.

FIST OF STEEL See: HANDS OF STEEL

FIST OF THE NORTH STAR (hokuto no ken) (1984 ANIMATED JPN) D: TOYOO ASHIDA W: SUSUMA TAKAHISA P: TOEI ANIMATION A condensed English-language feature version of this tv series based on a manga by Bronson and Tetsuro Hara was released and quickly became a favourite among fans of Japanese anime. It’s easy to see why. Despite its second-rate animation and ludicrous plot, there’s an abundance of on-screen violence that makes it win through on a purely visceral and kinetic level. On post-nuke Earth, Ken has been chosen as the world’s saviour, but must battle other jealous rivals to the throne. This usually means making their heads explode, crushing them, and general gory mayhem. It’s pretty funny and was considered kids entertainment in Japan. But when released in the UK it was ridiculously given an 18 certificate. When I told some of my Japanese friends this, they thought I was lying. A live-action version also appeared.

FIST OF THE NORTH STAR (hokuto no ken) (1995 UK US JPN) D/W: TONY RANDEL W: PETER ATKINS P: MARK YELLEN/AKI KOMINE Gary Daniels (!) is Kenshiro in this pretty bad live-action version of the popular Japanese manga and anime. The Japanese version (to which this review refers) has more bloody violence, but is still not over-the-top enough to save it. With Chris Penn (“it’s not easy being sleazy”), Melvin Van Peebles, Tracey Walter, Clint Howard, Malcolm McDowell, Costas Mandylor, Downtown Julie Brown, Dante Basco, Andre Rosey Brown, Nils Allen Stewart, David Fralick, George Cheung, Leon White and Marisa Coughlan. If you’re looking for a live-action equivalent of the carnage in the original, try RIKI-OH.

FIST OF THE RED DRAGON (beggar so; hero amongst heroes; heroes among heroes; so hat ngai; su qi er) (1993 HK) D/W/P: YUEN WOO PING/CHAN CHIN CHUNG W: CHUI DAAT CHOH/LAU DAAI MUK/ WONG WING FAI P: LAM SHU GIN Near the end of the Qing Dynasty Wong Fei Hung spearheads a movement to stop the Chinese people from getting addicted to opium and letting foreigners take over. Donnie Yen is Beggar So, a younger version of the Sam the Seed character from DRUNKEN MASTER. An evil Prince turns So against Wong and turns him on to opium, and eventually convinces him to try to assassinate commissioner Bao Fang. Wong sorts himself out before the victorious opium burning climax though. Fennie Yuen co-stars and Ng Man Tat is So’s father, with Kwan Hoi San. Some enjoyable action puts it on a par with the previous Yuen/ Yen collaboration IRON MONKEY. They made WING CHUN together next.

FISTS AND GUTS (yi dan er li san gong fu; yat daam (j lik saam gung fu) (1980 HK) D: LAU KAR WING W: WONG HOI MING/ARTHUR WONG NGOK TAI P: HO SAU HAR/GUY LAI Gordon Liu Chia Hui is a Shaolin monk pursuing a master of disguise who’s stolen important information from the temple (Lo Lieh in top form). This kung fu film feels padded out and a little light on the action, but when it does get going the choreography (by Wing and Liu Chia Hui) is excellent. It’s just a shame that the wait between the precredit training sequences (excised from many prints) and the amazing chamber finale (with blades and nunchuks) is so long (although there are kung fu lepers!). Needless to say it is essential viewing for fight fans. With Lee Hoi Sang and Wing himself.

FISTS OF BRUCE LEE (fu ji; fook gik) (1979 TAI) D: BRUCE LI P: CHANG YON HAR Bruce Li (real name Ho Chung Tao) stars as a surveillance expert who gets a job installing a security system for miserable old git Chan Wai Lau (the old one consists of a tripwire leading to a rake in a tree!). He falls for his spoilt daughter and gets in the middle of some forgettable espionage with gang rival Ngai Ping Ngo’s boys. Very boring, with unremarkable fight scenes. The only cool bit is during the finale when henchman Lo Lieh fights with a metal hand on a chain. Not worth sitting through for though. With Wong Fei Lung, Lee Keung, Hau Pak Kwai, Sham Chin Bo, Wong Chi Sang and loads of music (including themes from LIVE AND LET DIE and ENTER THE DRAGON) stolen from elsewhere.

FISTS OF DRAGONS (return of the 7 ninja kids; little rascals of kung fu; little big master; kung fu kids; cunning kids; chau siu ji; chou xiao zi) (1980 HK) D: YEN YUNG CHU W: TAO KU HUNG P: CHOW FOO LIANG Pretty bad kung fu obscurity about a bunch of kids with martial arts. Even the endless series of samples from Lipps Inc.’s disco hit Funky Town thudding on the soundtrack couldn’t keep me amused. With Sai Gwa Paau, Ho Pak Kwong, Eddy Ko, Ma Cheung, Shih Ting Ken and Teddy Yip (who may be the director).

FISTS OF THE WHITE LOTUS (clan of the white lotus; hung man deng saam poh la gaau; hang wen ding san po bai lan jiao) (1980 HK) D: LO LIEH W: HUANG TIEN P: MONA FONG/RUN RUN SHAW Top-notch sequel to EXECUTIONERS FROM SHAOLIN. Despite the fact that the Shaolin monks have been given their freedom and their temple is about to be rebuilt, the White Lotus Clan is intent on destroying them. Lo Lieh is the white-haired high priest whose masterful kung fu style harnesses his opponents’ strength to defend himself. Gordon Liu Chia Hui is the persistent hero who must learn femininity to combine with his tiger and crane boxing styles to defeat Lieh (and his nephew Johnny Wang Lung Wei). Liu Chia Liang’s choreography is highlighted by plentiful training scenes and an excellent final face-off (involving acupuncture). With Kara Hui and Cheng Miu. Prolific kung fu character actor Lo Lieh is always a great villain, but this is one of his highlights. He had previously directed DEVIL AND ANGEL (1973), and his next work behind the camera was BLACK MAGIC WITH BUDDAH.

FISTS OF VENGEANCE See: OF COOKS AND KUNG FU

A FIST TOO FAST See: THE LEGENDARY STRIKE

FITZCARRALDO (1982 W.GER PERU) D/W/P: WERNER HERZOG P: LUCKI STIPETIC/WILLI SEGLER Klaus Kinski (in his fourth Herzog movie) stars as Brian Sweeney Fitzgerald, an obsessive egocentric who wants to build an opera house deep in the Amazon jungle. He hires a small army to pull an entire riverboat steamer over a mountain to fulfill his dream. It’s long (157 mins), hypnotic and fascinating. BURDEN OF DREAMS is the equally great Les Blank documentary that chronicled the filming, and shows Herzog to have a lot in common with Kinski’s character. With Claudia Cardinale, Miguel Angel Fuentes, José Lewgoy, Grande Otelo, Peter Berling and Jean-Claude Dreyfus. COBRA VERDE was the final Herzog/ Kinski collaboration.

FIVE See: GONIN

5 AGAINST THE HOUSE (1955 US) D: PHIL CARLSON W: WILLIAM BOWERS W/P: STIRLING SILLIPHANT/ JOHN BARNWELL Four mature Korean War veteran law students devise a (somewhat implausible) plan to rip-off a heavily guarded 24-hour gambling house in Reno, just for kicks. Brick, the one with mental problems (Brian Keith, who says “everyone’s got a headache today. We’re living in the aspirin age”) forces the others (Guy Madison, comic relief Alvy Moore and Kerwin Matthews) and Madison’s girl (Kim Novak as a club singer, who has one singing-in-a-car-backed-by-invisible-orchestra scene, like it’s a musical) to pull it off for real (with weapons) during a country’n’western themed fancy dress night (everyone with stetsons and fake beards). This curious but uneven b/w caper drama (with some unusual dialogue) ends in a (then new I guess) automated multilevel parking garage. Carlson made it the same year as his hard-hitting pre-WALKING TALL classic THE PHENIX CITY STORY (1955). With William Conrad, Jean Willes, Hugh Sanders, John Larch, Frank Grestle and young Robert Sampson apparently. If I’m not mistaken, I’m sure the opening credits stated that the original Jack Finney story first appeared in Good Housekeeping magazine!

FIVE ANGRY WOMEN See: WOMEN UNCHAINED

THE FIVE DAUGHTERS AFFAIR See: THE KARATE KILLERS

FIVE DEADLY VENOMS (five venoms; wu du; ng duk) (1978 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW I. Kuang (one of the most neglected names of HK fantasy and action cinema) delivers yet another fine script for this, the most famous of Cheh’s masterpieces. Chiang Sheng is the final student of the Poison Clan who is instructed by his master to find his old colleague and convince him to give his new found wealth to charity. The reason being that the past five clan students will try to get their hands on the money, bringing them out in the open. Each of these students is an expert of a particular kung fu style: snake, lizard, centipede, scorpion and toad (each style wonderfully realised by choreographers Robert Tai and Leung Ting). Sheng must hook up with one of the Venoms to help him destroy the other four in this excellent, gripping comic book kung fu classic. Lu Feng, Wei Pai, Sun Chien, Lo Meng and Kuo Choi are the Venoms. With Ku Feng, Dick Wei, Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Shum Lo, Wong Ching Ho and Lam Fai Wong. Many movies reteamed the Venoms actors (who all went on to successful careers).

FIVE DOLLS FOR AN AUGUST MOON (island of terror; cinio munecas para la lune agosto; 5 bambole per la luna d’agosto) (1970 ITL SPN) D: MARIO BAVA W: MARIO DI NARDO P: LUIGI ALESSI Bava’s colourful version of Agatha Christie’s oft-filmed Ten Little Indians is often unfairly considered one of his lesser efforts, but it’s a fine, above average giallo. On an island cut off from the mainland some greedy investors try to pester some kind of a formula out of a scientist. Their wives (including Edwige Fenech at her sexiest) are also on the island. They’re knocked off one by one and the bodies end up hanging in a freezer, wrapped in plastic. Nicely done in a lulling low-key way right from the opening music and credits.

FIVE ELEMENT NINJAS See: SUPER NINJAS

FIVE FIGHTERS FROM SHAOLIN (possession of ghost; ger shih hou) (1982 TAI) D: GAM BO P: JING KOK HAU Mark Long is an eccentric shaolin monk who’s dismissed from the temple along with his five assorted students (and a girl). The ramshackle bunch set up their own training ground (there are loads of training scenes) and eventually face-off against black magic-worshipping Jack Long and his disciples. The fight choreography is credited to “Dai’s group”. I’ve no idea who that is but their work is outstanding. Slows down a little in the midsection, but otherwise great entertainment with a brutal all-action climax. Jack Long’s punches make things explode, including one guy’s head! With Chiang Sheng, Chen Shan, Wong Chi Sang, Alan Hsu, Ma Cheung and Sun Jung Chi.

FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH (king boxer; iron palm; tin gwong dai yat kuen; tian xia di yi quan) (1972 HK) D: CHENG CHANG HO W: CHANG YANG/LO LIEH P: RUN RUN SHAW The first international kung fu hit remains a highly entertaining classic. Lo Lieh is a martial arts student who learns the secret of Iron Fist so he can defeat Tien Fong and his accomplices and win the Chinese martial arts tournament. One fighter specialises in headbutting his opponents. Lau Kar Wing and Chan Chuan (who both also act) were responsible for the progressive choreography that still holds up today overall. With Tsang Choh Lam, Chan Dik Hak, Yen Shi-Kwan, Bolo Yeung, Fong Min, Goo Man Chung, Chian Shen, Hsu Hsia and Wong Ching Ho.

FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH (1974) See: SHAOLIN MARTIAL ARTS

FIVE FINGERS OF STEEL (blood child; blood baby; huet seung; xie shuang) (1982 HK) D: LEUNG WINGCHAN W: HUI KWOK P: LO CHIAO-PO This very unusual kung fu movie begins with a crazed young girl found clutching a dead baby. She’s charged with murder, and stabbed to death in prison. Flashbacks show how this came to be. Yuen Miu stars, and with Kwan Yung-Moon, Hwang Jang Lee and Yen Shi-Kuan as fighting allies, you know the action (choreographed by Miu and Hwang) is good. With Jue Tit-Woh, Chan Lau, Hui Ying-Ying and Lee King-Chue as an extra. A recommended change-of-pace for martial arts viewers. Miu and Hwang are usually known for their villainy.

FIVE GUNS WEST (1955 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: R. WRIGHT CAMPBELL Corman’s directorial debut was one of five features he directed in 55. Five pardoned criminals become Confederate agents. They have to stop a stagecoach carrying a defected soldier’s secret plans. It’s also carrying $30,000, so naturally they all plot and double-cross. It’s pretty entertaining. With Dorothy Malone, an over-the-top Jonathan Haze, Paul Birch, Mike “Touch” Connors, Jack Ingram and screenwriter Campbell. The photography is by Floyd Crosby.

FIVE KUNG-FU DARE-DEVIL HEROES (wu tang vs the nation; guan dong wu tai xia; du wang quan) (1977 TAI) D: CHEUNG SAN-YEE/CHEUNG YING P: CHANG YING Somewhat confusing kung fu movie about heroic Han rebels out to stop a land deal between the Qing and a Russian Marshall (in return for weapons). Lots of intrigue, espionage and a shedload of fighting (pretty good choreography too, courtesy of co-star Yu Tien-Lung). Unless you’re into good scrapping (I am, so quite enjoyed it), give it a miss. Lo Lieh in a silver wig is supposed to be Russian (!), and the colourful costumes are more elaborate than usual. With Leung Kar-Yan, Kam Kong, Phillip Ko Fei, Mang Fei, Yueh Hua, Lee Kwan, Shaw Luo-Hui, Lee Wan-Chung, Cheung Chung-Kwai, Man Man, Ma Chin-Ku, Ho Wai-Hung and Choi Chung-Chau. Not to be confused with this film.

FIVE KUNG FU DAREDEVILS See: SHAOLIN DAREDEVILS

FIVE KUNG FU HEROES See: SHAOLIN DAREDEVILS

FIVE LUCKY STARS See: WINNERS AND SINNERS

FIVE MILLION YEARS TO EARTH See: QUATERMASS AND THE PIT (1967)

FIVE MINUTES TO ZERO See: ROCKET ATTACK USA

FIVE SAVAGE MEN See: THE ANIMALS

FIVE VENOMS See: FIVE DEADLY VENOMS

FIVE VENOMS V. WU TANG (198?) D: WANG CHIH CHENG P: JOSEPH KUO Taoist priests Chiang Sheng and Lu Feng try to capture a little zombie/ hopping vampire kid and stop him from being used for evil means by another bad priest. Little kids shelter the undead boy. Not one of the finest of its genre, this has enough magic FX, martial arts and light horror to make it passable entertainment. The lowlight is probably a herd of vampires dancing to a Chinese rendition of Harry Belafonte’s Day-O. Because of Sheng and Feng (who were Chang Cheh regulars), this has recently been released on a Ground Zero dvd double bill with VENOM WARRIORS (another retitled obscurity). But no one seems to know what title it was originally released under. Any ideas?

FIVE WOMEN See: GONIN 2

FIXING THE SHADOW (beyond the law; king of harley) (1992 US) D/W: LARRY FERGUSON P: JOHN FIEDLER/MARK TAROV Arizona cop Charlie Sheen (who’s plagued by flashbacks to his abusive childhood) becomes an undercover narc in a gang of arms and drug-dealing bikers (led by Michael Madsen). He grows long hair and a beard, and gets a little too much into character. With Linda Fiorentino, Courtney B. Vance, Leon Rippy and Rip Torn. This uninspired but reasonably entertaining thriller is based on the real-life undercover cop Dan Samson (who appears as an extra apparently). STONE COLD was probably an “influence” as well. Ferguson is also in the cast. It wasn’t released until 94.

FLAG OF IRON (the spearman; the spearman of death; tit kei moon; tie qi men) (1980 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW/ MONA FONG More top drawer martial arts mayhem from Chang and the venoms (Kuo Chue, Chiang Sheng, Wong Lik, Lu Feng and Lo Meng). The Iron Flag clan undergoes insider betrayal and loyal members must fight their own as well as adversaries The Eagles. Ten hired killers are also involved in the epic plot. Not so much hand-to-hand combat, with more emphasis on the use of flags, spears, staffs and swords. At one point during the rousing final reel, a spear flies clean through a man’s chest. He just bandages it up and keeps on fighting! Welcome to the world of Chang Cheh. Choreography by Lu Feng, Chiang Sheng and Kuo Chie (aka Phillip Kwok). With Wong Ching Ho, Fung Ging Man, Chan Shen and Lam Fai Wong.

FLAMES OF THE SUN See: SHOLAY

FLASH FUTURE KUNG FU (health warning; digital master; mister digital; da lui toi; da lei tai) (1982 HK) D: CHE-KIRK WONG W: LIU WING LEUNG P: RINGO WONG Wong made this one after his directorial debut THE CLUB. In a grim, smoky (and very 80s) future, the X gang rule. They seem to be neo-Nazis, and enjoy drugs, violence and hanging around in a video arcade. At a show, two women dressed as ballerinas beat another woman in a leopard skin leotard, before drowning her in a tank of water, as a band plays (pretty good, probably stolen from elsewhere) synth rock, and observers wear gas masks (it reminded me of CAFE FLESH). Johnny Wang Lung Wei stars as a martial arts student of angry old-fashioned sifu Eddy Ko, trying to live by an archaic code. For example, he doesn’t believe in modern medicine. So when a character is stabbed with rabies shots (!), Ko takes him to some guy who puts a dead chicken on his chest!? Anyway, Wang Lung Wei secretly takes part in “black boxing” tournaments to test his skill, and kind of befriends some woman (who says “you’re really boresville” in the stupendous English-language dub) who rides around in a futuristic ether-powered car, after he looks after her little girl. Fairly loopy in the first place, the English dub really adds a new dimension of stupidity and hilarity. At one point some X gang dancers are heard singing the lyrics to the Velvet Underground’s Venus In Furs to a totally different tune. The synth score never ends, and the fight sound FX are the worst. With Ray Lui and Mak Wai-Cheung. Apparently Elvis Tsui is in there too as a thug. David Wu Dai-Wai was the Editor.

FLASH GORDON (space soldiers) (1936 US) D/W: FREDERICK STEPHANI D: RAY TAYLOR (uncredited) W: GEORGE PLYMPTON/BASIL DICKEY/ELLA O’NEILL P: HENRY MACRAE Buster Crabbe is the definitive space hero Gordon (created by comic strip artist Alex Raymond) over 13 chapters. Jean Rogers and Frank Shannon co-star as the hero’s companions Dale and Prof. Zarkov, while Charles Middleton (a name that should be more well known) is Ming the Merciless, the villainous “Emperor of the Universe”, whose planet Mongo is set on a collision course with Earth. Flashback to when I was a kid. Guaranteed every summer and Christmas holiday, very early in the morning on BBC 2, the original FLASH GORDON serials (or BUCK ROGERS) would be screened in chapters daily. Accidentally catching one soon led to a childhood addiction. No matter that other kids of my generation would belittle and make fun of the dated FX, I was in love. It’s a testament to the series that around 50 years after it was made, it still had this power (and I’m sure it still does). And if you (or your kids) have never seen it, what the hell are you waiting for? With Richard Alexander, John Lipson, Theodore Lorch, Richard Tucker, George Cleveland, James Pierce, House Peters Jr., Lynton Brent, Don Brodie, Lane Chandler, William Desmond, Al Ferguson, Fred Kohler Jr., George Magrill, Charles McMurphy, Bull Montana, Eddie Parker, Lon Poff, Constantine Romanoff, Glenn Strange, Slim Whitaker and Harry Wilson. That incidental music heard (often) to great effect is Heinz Roenheld’s uncredited score for THE INVISIBLE MAN. ROCKET SHIP and SPACESHIP TO THE UNKNOWN are condensed feature versions. FLASH GORDON’S TRIP TO MARS and FLASH GORDON CONQUERS THE UINVERSE followed.

FLASH GORDON (1980 UK) D: MIKE HODGES W: LORENZO SEMPLE JR. P: DINO DE LAURENTIIS Although you should really be watching the original serials instead, it’s possible to enjoy and utterly despise this campy remake depending on your mood at the time. Sam J. Jones is the meathead footballplaying Flash who becomes an unwitting space hero who saves Earth from Ming (Max von Sydow, who’s not bad). He’s aided by Brian Blessed as King of the Hawkmen, Topol as Zarkov and Melody Anderson as Dale. “Flash, I love you… but we only have 24 hours to save the Earth” is one of her lines sampled in the rock opera Queen soundtrack and it perfectly sums up the deadpan corniness of this expensive Dino De Laurentiis production (filmed in Scotland). With Mariangela Melato, Timothy Dalton as Prince Barin, Ornella Multi, JASON KING himself Peter Wyngarde (“pathetic”), Richard O’Brien, John Hallam, William Hootkins, Page Three girl Sally Nicholson, Viva (from Andy Warhol movies), Henry (R2D2) Baker and many other dwarves, Jim Carter and Robbie Coltrane. Star Jones is dubbed by the way. Seth MacFarlane’s TED (2012) was in part a love-letter to this movie. The next live action FLASH GORDON (there have been several tv cartoons with him over the years) was a tv series in 2007.

FLASH GORDON CONQUERS THE UNIVERSE (space soldiers conquer the universe) (1938 US) D: FORD BEEBE/RAY TAYLOR W: GEORGE PLYMPTON/ BASIL DICKEY/BARRY SHIPMAN P: HENRY MACRAE Buster Crabbe returns as Gordon (after a brief period of being BUCK ROGERS) in this third and final 12-chapter serial. Ming (Charles Middleton) is targeting the Earth with a death ray that leaves victims with a purple mark. There are robot men! With Carol Hughes (as Dale), Anne Gwynne, Roland Drew (as Prince Barin, who leads some rebel archers on Mongo), Frank Shannon, John Hamilton, Herbert Rawlinson, Tom Chatterton, Roland Drew, Ben Taggart, Michael Mark, Earl Dwire, Harry Braley, Byron Foulger, William Royle, Ernie Adams, Roy Barcroft, Lane Chandler, Allan Cavan, Donald Curtis, John Elliott, Jack Gardner, Pat Gleason, Reed Howes, Eddie Parker, Joey Ray, Jack Roper, Charles Cherlock, Tom Steele and Chief Yowlachie. PERILS FROM THE PLANET MONGO and PURPLE DEATH RAY FROM SPACE were condensed feature versions. There was a 50s live action FLASH GORDON tv series before the 1980 feature remake.

FLASH GORDON’S TRIP TO MARS (space soldiers’ trip to mars) (1938 US) D: FORD BEEBE/ROBERT HILL W: RAY TRAMPE/NORMAN HALL/WYNDHAM GITTENS/HERBERT DALMAS P: HENRY MACRAE Fifteen-chapter sequel to 1936’s FLASH GORDON serial is more of the same addictive cliffhanger excellence. There are clay men in this one. The main stars (Crabbe, Rogers, Shannon and Middleton) return, along with Beatrice Roberts, Donald Kerr, C. Montague Shaw, Wheeler Oakman, Kenne Duncan, Warner P. Richmond, Jack Mulhall, Lane Chandler, Anthony Warde, Kane Richmond, Hooper Atchley, James Blaine, George Cleveland, Al Ferguson, Fred Kobler Jr., Jack Gardner, Tom Steele, Reed Howes, Eddie Parker, Bud Wolfe, Stanley Price, Charles Sherlock, Edwin Stanley and Ray Turner. Wheaton Chambers was cut out. MARS ATTACKS THE WORLD and DEADLY RAY FROM MARS are condensed feature versions. FLASH GORDON CONQUERS THE UNIVERSE was the concluding serial.

FLATLINERS (1990 US) D: JOEL SCHUMACHER W: PETER FILARDI P: MICHAEL DOUGLAS/RICK BIEBER Kiefer Sutherland leads a bunch of medical students who let each other temporarily die so they can have afterlife experiences. It’s all very overserious stuff based on a Dean R. Koontz novel, and precious little entertainment is gouged from the admittedly interesting premise. With Julia Roberts, Kevin Bacon, William Baldwin, Hope Davis, Oliver Platt, Kimberly Scott and Shauna O’Brien.

FLAVIA THE HERETIC (flavia, la monaca musulmana) (1974 ITL FRA) D/W: GIANFRANCO MINGOZZI W: RANIERO DI GIOVANBATTISTA/SERGIO TAU/ FRANCESCA VIETRI/FABRIZIO ONOFRI/BRUNO DE GERONIMO Florinda Bolkan stars as Flavia, a reluctant 15th century nun and feminist who tries to escape a Portuguese convent only to be recaptured and taught by an older man-hating nun that the convent is the centre of great power for the feminist movement. Despite her beliefs, Flavia does have feelings for a Jewish man. When Muslims invade she joins them and tortures rapists. There’s also a “tarantula cult” and great hallucination scenes, including the memorable sight of a woman inside a cow’s carcass hanging from the ceiling. This oddball mix of obscure yet accurate European history and pure exploitation is never great, but is also never boring and semi-educational. With Maria Casares, Anthony Higgins, Spiros Focas, Ciro Ippolito (the director of ALIEN 2), Carla Mancini, Luigi Antonio Guerra, Guido Celano and Valentino Macchi.

FLCL: FOOLY COOLY (2000 ANIMATED JPN) D: KAZUYA TSURUMAKI W: YOJI ENOKIDO P: MASANOBU SATO/MASATOSHI NISHIZAWA/HIROKI SATO An elementary school boy hangs out with a sexy but strange older high school girl. Another teen girl (who could be an alien) who rides a scooter smacks him on the head with her electric guitar, resulting in what appears to be huge robots to emerge from his forehead at inopportune moments. When the mysterious girl is not doing battle with these creatures, she’s driving the boy nuts as the new family maid. What doesn’t sound too promising on paper is in fact a wild, breakneck, ever-changing (and wonderfully confusing) erotic rites-of-passage sci-fantasy parody (for lack of a better term), aided immeasurably by a great rock soundtrack from The Pillows. By the time six x 25 mins episodes have whized by, you’ll be ready to watch it again from the beginning. It’s from Gainax, the studio that brought you NEON GENESIS EVANGELION (which Tsurumaki had previously worked on). In fact EVANGELION creator Hideaki Anno provides the voice of a cat. Highly recommended.

FLESH (andy warhol’s flesh) (1968 US) D/W: PAUL MORRISSEY P: ANDY WARHOL Little Joe Dallesandro is a Lower East Side New York hustler who has many (mostly male) clients to provide for his wife and child in this innovative experimental hit that caused much controversy on its release for its language and realistically rough-edged street characters. No longer shocking, and the underground filming techniques (raw jump cuts abound) are used in commercials and mainstream fare now. But it remains an enjoyable, heartfelt human drama and (amazingly) never gets boring considering it’s mostly talk, talk, talk. With Candy Darling and Patti D’Arbanville. The even better TRASH and HEAT make it a trilogy.

FLESH + BLOOD (los senores del aceros) (1985 US SPN NETH) D: PAUL VERHOEVEN W: GERARD SOETEMAN P: GYS VERSLUYS For his Englishlanguage debut, Verhoeven cast long-time leading man Rutger Hauer in the role of Martin, a 16th century mercenary. After being betrayed by noblemen and the sacking of a citadel yielding them no rewards, Hauer and his followers (including Cardinal Ronald Lacey) decide to take revenge, encouraged by a statue of St. Martin that “leads” them. They kidnap a Princess (Jennifer Jason Leigh, who provides full-frontal nudity), and she pulls a bit of a medieval Patty Hearst, helping them storm a castle. Her betrothed (Tom Burlinson) is a smart young inventor of war machines who leads a siege on the place, before being captured himself. The rest you should find out for yourself, as this is an exciting, realistically grotty and violent adventure, filled with surprises. Some may find too many coincidences or contrivances in the script, but I think that suits the material, giving it the mark of an ancient legend, or tall tale. With Susan Tyrrell, Brion James, Bruno Kirby, Jack Thompson, Fernando Hillbeck, Simon Andreu and Hector Altenio. Verhoeven hit it big with ROBOCOP next.

THE FLESH AND BLOOD SHOW (1972 UK) D/P: PETE WALKER W: ALFRED SHAUGHNESSY A bunch of young actors and actresses (including Robin Askwith) are invited to rehearse the improvised title play at a run-down old theatre on a pier in the off-season seaside town of Eastcliff. Ray Brooks (the familiar voice of Mr. Benn) is their director. Characters are (very slowly) killed off in this abysmal, boring dud (Walker’s first horror after several sex and crime quickies). The identity of the killer is not hard to guess. There is (female) flesh, very little blood and bugger all else of interest. With Patrick Barr, former pop singer Jess Conrad and Walker himself in there somewhere. A flashback scene was originally in 3D.

FLESH AND LACE (1965 US) D/W: JOE SARNO P: PAT FOLLMER A young blonde (whose acting is awful) is in danger of losing her job at a hostess bar, but soon starts to enjoy leading her clients on. She stays with a co-worker, sleeps with her mean sleazeball gambling man Rook, and hangs out at a toy shop run by a nice guy smitten with this oblivious homewrecker. It all ends in an attempted robbery and tragedy. Of limited appeal to Sarno fans only, this is not a bad, light b/w melodrama/exploitation movie. With June Roberts and some blues singing. On a Something Weird dvd double bill with PASSION IN HOT HOLLOWS (1969). Some extra Sarno shorts (in b/w) on the disc are A PEELING WE GO-GO (three burlesque strippers) and A SNEAK PEEK AT STRIP POKER.

THE FLESH AND THE FIENDS (mania; psycho killers; the fiendish ghouls) (1959 UK) D/W: JOHN GILLING W: LEO GRIFFITHS P: ROBERT S. BAKER Peter Cushing is excellent as the one-eyed Dr. Knox, a surgeon who knows that the corpses Burke (George Rose) and Hare (the wonderful Donald Pleasence) bring him for experimentation may well have been offed just for him. Considered pretty gruesome in its day (Pleasence has his eyes burnt out), this above average b/w remake of the Tod Slaughter vehicle THE GREED OF WILLIAM HART still holds up well. Some crowd scenes are edited in from the 1948 version of OLIVER TWIST and a “hot” Euro version contains topless scenes. The very good supporting cast includes Billie Whitelaw, Melvyn Hayes, George Woodbridge, Esma Cannon and Michael Balfour.

FLESH AND THE SPUR (1956 US) D/W: EDWARD L. CAHN W: CHARLES B. GRIFFITH/MARK HANNA/ LOU RUSOFF P: ALEX GORDON An unseen figure escapes from prison and shoots a man (John Agar) dead in a barn. The guy’s brother (that man Agar again) wants revenge, so tracks the gang he believes responsible (led by Kenne Duncan). Michael “Touch” Connors (also the executive producer) and Indian tribe exile and love interest Marla English join him on the trail, as does Raymond Hatton and his daughter. Standard b/w B-western is a little more watchable than most Cahn quickies, maybe due to Griffith’s input in the script. With Frank Lackteen, Lance Fuller, Richard Alexander, Kermit Maynard, Bud Osborne, Buddy Roosevelt, David Sharpe, Tom Steele and Dale Van Sickel.

FLESHBURN (1983 US) D/W: GEORGE GAGE W/P: BETH GAGE Ex-porno performer and action star wannabe/cult figure Sonny Landham stars as a Native American ’nam veteran who was institutionalised by psychiatrists who thought his obsession with Indian witchcraft was delusional. He breaks out of the nuthouse and kidnaps the four shrinks (three men, one woman), ties and gags them and then dumps them in the desert with no food, water or shoes to fend for themselves. He keeps an eye on them with a rifle. Steve Kanaly is the heroic leader who finds a way of fighting back. This not bad Crown International release was filmed in Tuscon, Arizona. Ashok Amritraj was the executive producer. It’s based on a novel (Fear In A Handful Of Dust) by Brian Garfield (most famous for the book that DEATH WISH was based on).

FLESH EATER See: ZOMBIE NOSH

THE FLESH EATERS (1964 US) D/P: JACK CURTIS W/P: ARNOLD DRAKE P: TERRY CURTIS This is one of those seminal landmark films of the 60s like CARNIVAL OF SOULS, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD etc., except it hasn’t really received the attention it deserves (or been that easy to see until a recent dvd release). It’s particularly interesting for straddling a unique cinematic zone between 50s sci-fi and gory 60s drive-in horror. In fact if reports are correct that it was lensed in 1961, it predates the more vicious BLOOD FEAST by quite a bit. A beefcake pilot is hired by an alcoholic actress and her assistant to fly to a movie set, but they end up crash-landed on an island in a storm (it was in fact shot in Long Island). A Germanic scientist (Martin Kosleck, seeming like a cross between Udo Kier and Michael Gough) is already there, experimenting on some kind of carnivorous sea bacteria that eats through flesh at a rapid pace (an effect made by sticking pins in the actual film). The grisly makeup (ahead of its time, but maybe unacknowledged because the film is in b/w) is by magician Roy Benson. There’s also great dialogue, especially when a beatnik called Omar arrives on the scene on a raft. In the wild ending it becomes a monster movie. Radley Metzger shot it and worked on the sound (quite possibly before his directorial debut DARK ODYSSEY). Not only is it fabulously entertaining and a landmark to boot, the dvd also includes some genuinely great deleted scenes of Nazi experiment footage. What are you waiting for?

FLESH FEAST (1970 US) D/W/P: BRAD F. GRINTER W: THOMAS CASEY P: V.L. GRINTER Grinter is a reporter who investigates a “hospital” where brilliant scientist Veronica Lake is breeding a whole bunch of maggots as part of some kind of rejuvenation process. This is to help “The Commander” who’s starting some kind of world revolution in South America. We’re kept guessing all the way through this bizarre exploitation oddity from Florida, and the ending is a real surprise. If you’ve managed to avoid reading about it thus far then I’m not going to tell you. But I do recommend you finding out yourself. With Bill Rogers (star of H.G. Lewis’ A TASTE OF BLOOD), Chris Martell (Rodney in THE GRUESOME TWOSOME) and Harry and William Kerwin were involved too. Lake was also the executive producer. I wonder if that’s the same dismembered leg from BLOOD FREAK?

FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN (andy warhol’s frankenstein; carne per frankenstein; de la chair pour frankenstein; il mostro e in tavola barone frankenstein) (1974 ITL FRA US) D/W: PAUL MORRISSEY W: TONINO GUERRA/PAT HACKETT P: ANDREW BRAUNSBERG/ANDY WARHOL It’s an acquired taste, but once obtained this camp, laid-back horror comedy (played straight) is really good fun. Udo Kier is the Baron Frankenstein who must create a mate for his female creation. Joe Dallesandro is the kind of hero (like in the companion piece BLOOD FOR DRACULA). There’s plenty of amusing gore scenes that must have been great to see in a theatre in the original 3D format. With Carla Mancini, sex and nudity and the infamous gallbladder fucking scene.

FLESH GORDON (1972 US) D/W: “MIKE LIGHT” (MICHAEL BENVENISTE) D/P: HOWARD ZIEHM P: BILL OSCO Jason Williams is Flesh in this juvenile but fun sex parody of the original FLASH GORDON serials. In fact the attention to detail when emulating the classic cliffhangers is much more impressive than you might expect. The spaceships are shaped like cocks, so if you set your mind to that level you should have a blast. With Cindy Hopkins, Candy Samples, Ric Lutz, John Hoyt (!), Maria Aronoff, Ziehm (who was also the photographer) as “Linus Gator”, Terri Johnson and the voice of Craig T. Nelson provided for some of the great stop-motion creations of Dave Allen and Jim Danforth. Originally it was fully hardcore, but that version hasn’t surfaced for years. Don’t bother with the terrible sequel.

FLESH GORDON MEETS THE COSMIC CHEERLEADERS (1989 CAN) D/W: HOWARD ZIEHM W: DOUGLAS FRISBY P: MAURICE SMITH A kickboxer called Vince Murdock is Flesh in this terrible, cheap-looking, unfunny, stupid sequel. The plot involves an impotence ray and King Kong takes a dump, turds sing and there’s a gay stop-motion dickhead monster. Of the three horny cosmic cheerleaders, the Asian one is called Sushi. With Morgan Cox.

FLIGHT OF THE MAIDEN See: SST-DEATH FLIGHT

FLIGHT TO DANGER (1995 US) D/W/P: GINA JOURARD/SARA MATTHEWS A bunch of karate-fighting women who work at an LA rape crisis centre are hunted down by gangsters in pursuit of something or other. Cheap, tacky shot-on-video manure has bad martial arts, a senseless title and should be administered to insomniacs as the perfect cure. Jourard and Matthews act as well.

FLIGHT TO FURY (1964 US PHIL) D/W: MONTE HELLMAN W: JACK NICHOLSON W/P: FRED ROOS This early Hellman feature (shot back to back with BACK DOOR TO HELL in the Philippines, with a local crew) is an odd but entertaining b/w multigenre programmer. It begins in Manila with star Dewey Martin bedding a girl who ends up dead. We know that it was the friendly-seeming Nicholson (with a moustache) who did it. They both end up on a small passenger plane with other characters (including gangster Vic Diaz, who’s very good, and Fay Spain as his bored moll). The long section on-board the plane is not really necessary, but charming character stuff (the original release cut was just an hour, while this 1966 reissue runs 72 mins. There might have been an 80 mins version too). Then the plane crashes in the jungle and it becomes a survival adventure, and there’s stolen diamonds involved too. With Joseph Estrada. Nicholson had previously co-written an obscurity called THUNDER ISLAND (also with Spain) the previous year (future scripts from him include THE TRIP and HEAD). Lippert produced both this and BACK DOOR…, but this was released by Feature Film Corp of America (they also put out CYBORG 2087 [1966], among others). Hellman and Nicholson next made another couple back to back, the westerns RIDE IN THE WHIRLWIND and THE SHOOTING.

FLIGHT TO MARS (1951 US) D: LESLEY SELANDER W: ARTHUR STRAWN P: WALTER MIRISCH After DESTINATION MOON and ROCKETSHIP X-M, Monogram gave us this talky Technicolor nonsense. Arthur Franz leads the title expedition and the crew (including journalist Cameron Mitchell) discover another civilisation on the dying planet. After the ship is damaged during landing it must be rebuilt, but the evil council leader wants to keep them prisoners and use the ship designs to invade Earth. Some cool comfy-looking spacesuits from MOON are reused. With John Litel, Morris Ankrum, Robert Barrat, Wilbur Mack, William Bailey, Trevor Bardette, Stanley Blystone, Tristram Coffin, Russ Conway, Edward Earle, William Forrest, Perc Launders and Frank O’Connor.

FLIRTING SCHOLAR (tong ang foo dim chau heung; tang ba hu dan qiu xiang) (1993 HK) D/W: LEE LIK-CHI W: VINCENT KOK P: STEPHEN SHIU Stephen Chow is a respected artist with eight gambling-crazy wives and secret kung fu skills he can’t reveal. He leaves his wealthy lifestyle behind and becomes a servant to Cheng Pei Pei to impress her beautiful humanitarian daughter Gong Li. Chow movies are most definitely an acquired taste, and some of the jokes left me groaning in despair (and doubtless many went over my head), but it’s more enjoyable than many of his outings. I like seeing Leung Kar Yan (minus the beard) doing comedy, and there are some effective martial arts and wirework scenes. As long as you don’t expect SHAOLIN SOCCER. With Gabriel Wong, Nat Chan Pak Cheug, Yuen King-Tan, Lee Kan-Yin, Francis Ng, Gordon Liu and Jue Tit Woh.

FLOOD See: HARD RAIN

FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC (1987 US) D/W: JEFFREY BLOOM P: SY LEVIN/THOMAS FRIES After her husband dies and all the money’s gone, Victoria Tennant takes her four kids (Kristy Swanson, her teen brother and little boy and girl twins) to her parents’ huge estate to make her dying father (who had disowned her for marrying her uncle) love her again so they can inherit a fortune. Louise Fletcher is the horrible grandmother who spouts biblical doom and gloom while making sure the kids stay locked up in the big old attic. This adaption of Virginia C. Andrews’ novel (she has a cameo as a maid), by the director of BLOOD BEACH, has been toned down sex-wise, but is still pretty potent due to the original story’s fascinating premise. Definitely worth seeing, but you’ll be wondering why the kids wait so long and take so much shit before trying to escape.

THE FLY (1958 US) D/P: KURT NEUMANN W: JAMES CLAVELL P: ROBERT L. LIPPERT (uncredited) This excellent colour sci-fi horror melodrama opens with a woman being arrested for crushing her husband’s head in an industrial hydraulic press. She relates to Vincent Price the story of how her husband (Al aka David Hedison) used a matter-transmitter to send himself from one place to another and got his DNA mixed up with that of a common household fly that was in the projection booth. Hedison ends up with a fly’s head and arm, while a little fly has his head (“help me! help me!”). Ridiculous science doesn’t matter when the results are this good. With Herbert Marshall, Kathleen Freeman, Harry Carter, Bess Flowers, Torben Meyer and Eugene Borden. Based on George Langerlan’s short story in Playboy magazine. RETURN OF THE FLY was the first sequel, and keep an ear out for the great track The Spider And The Fly by the 60s garage/psych band The Monacles.

THE FLY (1986 US) D/W: DAVID CRONENBERG W: CHARLES EDWARD POGUE P: STUART CORNFELD Apparently while watching the original 58 FLY in a theatre, Cronenberg complained to the usher of its scientific inaccuracies. The usher told him to “fuck off”. After the success of THE DEAD ZONE, Cronenberg got to direct his own version of the story (which is still more fantastic than plausible). Jeff Goldblum is Seth Brundle, an intense scientist working with matter transmitter pods. As in the original, a fly finds its way into the pod and Goldblum begins to mutate. Geena Davis is his girlfriend. Considered a metaphor for AIDS on its release, it’s actually a story about the hopelessness of love and how you have to see your beloved grow old before your very eyes. Chris Walas provided the great gross-out FX. It’s pretty good and entertaining enough, but it’s no horror classic and I’d rather watch the original again. With Leslie Carlson, Michael Copeman, Cronenberg and a great arm-wrestling scene.

THE FLY 2 (1989 US) D: CHRIS WALAS W: MICK GARRIS/JIM WHEAT/KEN WHEAT/FRANK DARABONT P: STEVEN CHARLES JAFFE Eric Stoltz is the super-intelligent mutating son of Goldblum’s character in this awful sequel directed by an FX maestro. With Daphne Zuniga, Harley Cross, Frank C. Turner, Gary Chalk, Jerry Wasserman, Duncan Fraser, Ken Camroux, Lorena Gale, Garwin Sanford and Tom Heaton. The Wheats made AFTER MIDNIGHT and Garris became Stephen King’s director of choice.

THE FLYING EYE See: THE TROLLENBERG TERROR (1958)

THE FLYING GUILLOTINE (huet duk ji; xie di zi) (1975 HK) D: HO MENG HUA W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW A Manchu Emperor requests a new weapon be designed for killing traitors. The flying guillotine is invented and a group of young men are trained as assassins. The weapon is like a metal hat attached to a chain. It is thrown onto the victim’s head, the chain is pulled and metal blades slice off the head. Chen Kuan-Tai stars in the original flying guillotine movie, which is well worth a look. With Ku Feng, Wai Wang, Wong Yu, Norman Chu, Lee Sau Kei, Shum Lo, Lee Pang Fei, Wang Han Chen and Cheung Chok Chow. There was a sequel, and many rip-offs.

FLYING GUILLOTINE 2 (can ku da ci sha; ching goon dai chi sat) (1977 HK) D/W: CHENG KANG D: HUA SHAN W: I. KUANG/LEE WING-CHEUNG P: RUN RUN SHAW/MONA FONG Ok but undeniably disappointing sequel suffers from poor pacing and a flimsy script spread very thin. Ti Lung (who isn’t in it much) replaces Chen Kuan-Tai from the original as a folk hero of the oppressed Han, who uses an iron umbrella to defeat the royal flying guillotine weapon. Tyrannical Qing Emperor employs Lama Cheng Miu to design a new double flying guillotine. Han rebels (including Shih Szu, who goes undercover, and Wong Chung, who loses an arm in a guillotine) plot to kill Feng with poisoned daggers. The final reel has some decent action (choreographed by Tang Chia), but prior to that it’s all coasting on how undeniably cool the titular decapitation machine is (see also VENGEFUL BEAUTY [1978], THE FATAL FLYING GUILLOTINES and ONE ARMED BOXER 2). With Lo Lieh, Wai Wang, Fan Mei-Sheng, Shut Chung-Tin, Chang Kang-Yeh, Goo Goon-Chung, veteran director Goo Man-Chung, Shum Lo, Yeung Chi-Hing, Wang Han-Chen, Keung Hon, Lau Wai-Ling, Ng Hong-Sang, Lam Fai-Wong, Yuen Shun-Yi, Tang Tak-Cheung, Yuen Wah, Lee Hang, Tino Wong, Lau Jun-Fai, Lee Sau-Kei, Cheung Chok-Chow, Gam Tin-Chue, Cheung Hei, Goo Chim-Hung, San Kuai, Fung Hak-On, Wing Ching-Ho, Wong Mei, Yeung Chan-Yan, Lo Wai, Chui Fat, Brandy Yuen, Ng Yuen-Fan, Ngaai Fei, Wong Chi-Keung, Sharon Yeung Pan-Pan, Chin Yuet-Sang, Leung Seung-Wan, Corey Yuen, Alan Chiu, Chik Ngai-Hung, Law Keung, Fung Ging-Man, Ting Tung, Sai Gwa-Pau, Yuen Biao, Yuen Bun and Yuen Yat-Choh. Apparently Norman Chiu was also among the extras, but cannot be seen on-screen. Lam Chin-Wai (SUPER POWER) and Stanley Siu-Wing were the assistant directors. Music by Frankie Chan.

FLYING HIGH See: AIRPLANE! (series)

FLYING JAWS See: SWAMP SHARK

FLYING KILLERS See: PIRANHA II

THE FLYING SAUCER (1949 US) D/W/P: MIKEL CONRAD W: HOWARD IRVING YOUNG Conrad (a nonprolific actor who had co-starred in SWAMP VIRGIN) made the first flying saucer movie, but it’s an oddity that has none of the usual sci-fi trappings you’d expect. In fact the saucer (which gives off a loud roar while flying) is man-made, and Conrad stars as an alcoholic Manhattan playboy millionaire who goes to his native Alaska (with a blonde “Nurse” love interest) to capture it before the Russian Commies get their hands on it. There’s lots of time-wasting but nice scenic photography (it’s in b/w), some genuinely impressive directorial touches (usually during fight scenes) and the saucer is blown up at the end (and stock-footage of a melting glacier threatens). Not really a good film, but I kinda enjoyed it. With Lester Sharpe, Denver Pyle, Russell Hicks, Frank Darien, Roy Engel, Garry Owen and Philip Morris

FLYING SAUCERS OVER HOLLYWOOD: THE PLAN 9 COMPANION (the ed wood story) (1992 US) D/W/P: MARK CARDUCCI W/P: LEE HARRIS It’s a little cheap and amateur-looking, and threatens to tip over into fanboy territory a few times, but this documentary look at PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (and Ed Wood’s career in general) is pretty interesting and fun. Rare (silent) footage of Wood directing must have inspired Johnny Depp’s performance in ED WOOD. My favourite part is on Tor Johnson (Vampira and Criswell also get segments). With Sam Raimi and Scott Spiegel recreating Tor with Groucho Marx on You Bet Your Life, Conrad Brooks on a tour of Quality studios, Forrest J. Ackerman at (the now sadly gone) Ackermansion, Tony Randel, Valda Hansen, Gregory Walcott, Paul Marco, Bobbie Bresee, Carl Anthony, Harry Thomas, Don Post Jr., Joe Dante, Eric Caiden of Hollywood Book & Poster, Drew Friedman, Harry Medved (who’s surprisingly level-headed and respectful), Maila Nurmi, Stephen Apostoloff, Bill Warren and creative consultant Rudolph Grey (the author of the essential Wood biography Nightmare Of Ecstasy), whose obsessive sleuthing made all this Woodmania possible (and is also, in case you didn’t know, a legendary improv guitarist and musician. Seek out The Blue Humans records).

FLYING SWALLOW See: NINJA SWORDS OF DEATH

FLYING VIRUS See: KILLER BUZZ

FLYSHOCK See: ISLAND OF THE DEAD

THE FOG (1979 US) D/W: JOHN CARPENTER W/P: DEBRA HILL Jamie Lee Curtis returns from Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN for this old-fashioned horror movie set in a bayside town cursed with a century old murder when sailors were lured to their deaths on the rocks where their ship sank. Present day, and a thick fog falls on the town, and shadowy figures with hook hands kill. It’s pretty boring. With Adrienne Barbeau, Janet Leigh, John Houseman, Hal Holbrook, Tom Atkins, George “Buck” Flower, Tommy Lee Wallace and Carpenter (who also did the music) and Hill and an opening quote from Edgar Allan Poe. Tommy Lee Wallace (HALLOWEEN 3) was Production Designer and one of the editors. An awful 2005 remake makes this seem really good. Neither is related to James Herbert’s 1975 novel The Fog.

FOG ISLAND (1945 US) D: TERRY O. MORSE W: PIERRE GENDRON P: LEON FROMKESS George Zucco is a cunning, bitter and vengeful widower (with a beautiful daughter) who invites several former associates to his island home. He believes one of them is responsible for the death of his wife, and intends to return the favour. Forgettable b/w mystery is based on Bernadine Angus’ play. With Lionel Atwill, Jerome Cowan, Veda Ann Borg, Ian Keith and George Lloyd. From PRC.

THE FOLKS AT RED WOLF INN See: TERROR AT RED WOLF INN

FOLLOW ME IF YOU DARE See: MYSTERIOUS TWO

THE FOOD OF THE GODS (1975 US) D/W/P: BERT I. GORDON Mr. BIG wrote, produced and provided FX as usual for this AIP release. Characters on a New England island are terrorised by giant wasps, chickens, maggots and rats. It’s the result of a mysterious pool of goo that’s been mixed with the chicken food (“Where the hell did you get those goddamn chickens?”). With Marjoe Gortner, Pamela Franklin, Ralph Meeker, Jon Cypher and Ida Lupino (what a cast!). It’s not so good, but does have some memorable images. The final scene has cows drinking the remains of the goo washed up river, and kids drinking the milk. Unfortunately giant cows and kids did not appear in the sequel. It’s based on a portion of the H.G. Wells story of the same name, which Gordon had already tackled 10 years earlier with VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS.

FOOD OF THE GODS 2 (gnaw) (1989 CAN) D/P: DAMIAN LEE W: RICHARD BENNETT/E. KIM BREWSTER P: DAVID MITCHELL Giant rats attack the college swimming contest in this laughable sequel from Corman’s Concorde. They’re the result of synthetic growth hormones. The most memorable scene is when a guy mutates into a giant while fucking a woman who stays the same on the end of his huge penis! With Jackie Burroughs, Colin Fox, Michael Copeman and Howard Jerome.

THE FOOL KILLER (violent journey; el asesino de tontos) (1965 US MEX) D: SERVANDO GONZALEZ W: HELEN EUSTIS/MORTON S. FINE W/P: DAVID FRIEDKIN Eleven-year-old Edward Albert runs away from his strict Amish foster parents in this excellent, unusual psycho melodrama that deserves more recognition. He first meets up with old man “Dirty Jim” (Henry Hull) who tells him that he’s a “fool” and to beware “the fool killer”. Anthony Perkins is a mysterious wanderer that the boy befriends and a scary scene in a preacher’s tent leads to an axe murder. Not really comparable to anything else, the script, direction and b/w photography (by Alex Phillips Jr.) is just as good as many other more celebrated landmarks of the period. With Dana Elcar and Salome Jens.

FOOTPRINTS (ON THE MOON) (primal impulse; le orme) (1974 ITL) D/W: LUIGI BAZZONI W: MARIO FENELLI P: LUCIANO PERUGIA An Italian interpreter (Florinda Bolkan) can’t account for three lost days during which she blacked out. She travels to a remote island called Garba to find clues. Klaus Kinski is seen briefly barking orders at some astronauts in this atmospheric and effective, but also maddening, vague and unsatisfying mystery with sci-fi undertones. With Ida Galli. It’s based on Fenelli’s novel, and he may have also directed scenes without credit.

FOO YING See: A FIST FULL OF TALONS

FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE (por unos cuantos mas: por unos pocos dolares mas; la muerte tenia un precio; fur ein paar dollar mehr) (1965 ITL SPN W.GER MON) D/W: SERGIO LEONE W: LUCIANO VINCENZONI/ FULVIO MORSELLA/SERGIO DONATI/FERNANDI DI LEO P: ALBERTO GRIMALDI/ARTURO GONZALEZ Clint Eastwood returns in this excellent sequel to A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS. Lee Van Cleef and Klaus Kinski co-star. The shoot-out-countdown-with-a-gold-pocket-watch scene is a classic. With Gian Maria Volonte, Luigi Pistilli, Joseph Egger, Benito Stefanelli, Roberto Camardiel, Aldo Sambrell. Tomas Blanco, Lorenzo Robledo, Sergio Mendizabal, Dante Maggio, Mario Brega, Frank Brana, José Canalejas, José Marco Davo, Jesus Guzman, Antonio Molino Rojo and Ricardo Palacios. THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY was the even better trilogy conclusion.

FORBIDDEN BEAUTY See: THE WASP WOMAN (1995)

FORBIDDEN CITY See: FORGOTTEN CITY

THE FORBIDDEN DANCE See: LAMBADA: THE FORBIDDEN DANCE

FORBIDDEN FEMINITY See: SEXY PROBITISSIMO

FORBIDDEN LOVE See: FREAKS

FORBIDDEN PLANET (1956 US) D: FRED McLEOD WILCOX W: CYRIL HUME/IRVING BLOCK/ALLEN ADLER P: NICHOLAS NAYFACK In the 23rd century, the human colonisation of space is underway, and Leslie Nielsen is the commander of a saucer-shaped craft heading for the distant planet of Altair 4, to check on what happened to an earlier expedition that went missing there. They find Dr. Morbius (Walter Pidgeon) living in apparent harmony with his sexy miniskirted daughter (Anne Francis) and servant Robby the Robot (Frankie Darrow in the suit, voiced by Marvin Miller), despite the mysterious destruction of their former compatriots by a mysterious force on the Earthlike planet. The Krel are an extinct civilisation who left highly advanced technology behind, but to say more would spoil the surprises. Despite the odd, corny bum-note here and there (some of the comedy/ pervy stuff with Francis), FORBIDDEN PLANET deserves its reputation as a classic of screen sci-fi. A bit too much has been made over the years of its debt to Shakespeare’s The Tempest (the similarities only go so far), but it’s an intelligent, mythical story with some surprising Jungian theory regarding the atavistic subconscious. And it still looks amazing, thanks to George J. Folsey’s EastmanColor CinemaScope cinematography, Block’s production design, and the special effects (A. Arnold Gillespie and Irving G. Ries won an Oscar, and Disney’s Joshua Meador provided memorable animation). Also adding immeasurably to the overall experience is Louis and Bebe Barron’s soundtrack of “electronic tonalities” (a fascinating listen all by themselves, and very ahead of the curve). With Jack Kelly, Warren Stevens, Richard Anderson, Earl Holliman, George Wallace, Robert Dix, James Drury, James Best and William Boyett. Les Tremayne narrates. The novelisation was prepared by mystery novelist Philip McDonald (as “W.J. Stuart”). FORBIDDEN must have been a big influence on Star Trek. Robby returned in the Hume-scripted, Nayfack-produced THE INVISIBLE BOY the following year (and has made countless cameos in all sorts of movies and tv show since).

FORBIDDEN SEXUALITY (1970–75 US) Alpha Blue Archives compiled this amazing collection of extreme porno shorts and loops from the early-to-mid-70s. You may be surprised by the graphic nature of some of these. Highlights include some Harry Reems necrophilia, PISS ORGY with Linda Lovelace and the unforgettable HOOK. The only drawbacks to this otherwise incredible tape are the almost constant hard-rock soundtrack and poor print quality of some segments. But beggars can’t be chosers, and the rare nature of these make scratchy prints forgivable. One bleached out segment becomes pretty surreal. Highly recommended.

FORBIDDEN WORLD (mutant; xavier) (1982 US) D/P: ALLAN HOLZMAN W: TIM CURNEN/JIM WYNORSKI/R.J. ROBERTSON Jesse Vint returns from GALAXY OF TERROR. This starts with a spaceship laser battle lifted from BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS. Then Vint goes to a special research facility where an experimental mutant has escaped its cocoon and is quickly becoming a big monster with sharp teeth that melts humans for protein. The minimal cast includes Fox Harris as a heroic scientist, Michael Bowen, and a couple of girls who have topless scenes. Relief from the usual ALIEN-inspired claustrophobic dark tunnels routine is provided when the creature briefly escapes onto a desolate planet’s surface. But then it’s back inside for more of the same. That said, you could pick a much worse time-waster of its kind, and there is some gore. Holzman also edited. [Illus.]

THE FORCE See: FIGHTING MAD (1978)

FORCED ENTRY (intimate entry) (1972 US) D/W: “HELMUT RICHLER” (SHAUN COSTELLO) Sick little number from the golden days of American porn. “Tim Long” (a clean-shaven Harry Reems) is a misogynistic ’nam vet gas station attendant who breaks into women’s houses and forces them to suck or fuck before killing them. Flashbacks to (real) war atrocity footage are expertly edited in. Very well done but the heady mix of hardcore sex and violence may be too strong for some. Raw magazine called it “the TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE of adult cinema”. An exploitation classic to my mind. Pretty much remade as a non-porno with the same title in 1975.

FORCED TO FIGHT See: THE INVINCIBLE SUPER CHAN

FORCE OF VENGEANCE See: BLASTFIGHTER

FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT (1940 US) D: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: CHARLES BENNETT/JOAN HARRISON P: WALTER WAGNER Joel McCrea stars as an American journalist in Europe who uncovers the truth behind a fake (and surprisingly bloody) assassination, and how it ties in with international politics during the beginning of WWII. Too much plot for one capsule review like this, it’s a racy, exciting b/w picture with a plane crash disaster scene, a memorable windmill set (designed by William Cameron Menzies) and a great cast led by the likeable McCrea. Great fun now, I can only imagine how remarkable it must have been at the time. With Laraine Day, George Sanders, Edmund Gwenn, Herbert Marshall, Albert Basserman, Eduardo Ciannelli, Martin Kosleck, Harry Davenport, Robert Benchley (who assisted novelist James Hilton with extra dialogue polish), Ian Wolfe, Charles Wagenhiem, Eddie Conrad, Charles Halton, Barbara Pepper, Emory Parnell, Roy Gordon, Holmes Herbert, Leonard Mudie, Horace B. Carpenter, Wheaton Chambers, Willy Castello, Ken Christy, E.E. Clive, Gino Corrado, Harry Depp, Elspeth Dudgeon, Herbert Evans, James Finlayson, George B. French, Jack George, John George, Otto Hoffman, Colin Kenny, Crawford Kent, Eily Malyon, John T. Murray, Jane Novak, George Offerman, Jack Rice, Harry Semels, Ferris Taylor, Dorothy Vaughan and Hans von Morhart. Don’t miss this lesser-recognised but essential Hitchcock classic.

THE FOREIGNER (2003 US) D: MICHAEL OBLOWITZ W: DARREN O. CAMPBELL P: KAMAL ABOUKHATER/ ELIE SAMAHA/STEVEN SEAGAL/ANDREW STEVENS Seagal is a courier in Europe who’s hired to deliver a package that all manner of bad guys want to get their hands on. Dull in the extreme and filled with those pitiful fight scenes where Seagal is obviously doubled by someone for the difficult stuff, and then they throw in a close-up of his constipated-look face to try to convince us of his skill. It is not working. With Max Ryan and Harry Von Gorkum. It was filmed in Poland. Oblowitz also helmed the Seagal vehicle OUT FOR A KILL.

FOREST OF FEAR (1967) See: BLOOD DEMON

FOREST OF FEAR (1980) See: BLOODEATERS

FOREST SLAVE See: AMAZONIA

FOREST WARRIOR (the survivor) (1996 US) D: AARON NORRIS W: RON SWANSON/“DONALD G. THOMPSON” (GALEN THOMPSON) P: ANDY HOWARD Chuck Norris is a martial arts-fighting Native Indian and a telepathic shape-shifter who can turn into a bear, a wolf and an eagle. He befriends some kids in the forest and helps them fight an evil lumber company that wants to chop down all the trees. During a feelgood rock’n’roll moment a guy plays air guitar on a chainsaw. A country rock number on the soundtrack goes “it ain’t no crime to love the sunshine in the summertime”. Yeah, it’s as good as it sounds. With William Sanderson, George “Buck” Flower, Loretta Switt, Max Gail, Roscoe Lee Browne and Barbara Niven.

FOREVER EVIL (devil zombie) (1987 US) D: ROGER EVANS W: FREEMAN WILLIS P: JILL CLARK The surviving victims of alternate cabin-in-the-woodsmassacres investigate similar “sacrifices” that coincide with the pulse of a Quasar. Cheap Texas-lensed horror doesn’t make much sense and has shoddy zombie makeup and an IT’S ALIVE-inspired mutant baby with glowing eyes. Director Evans also did the editing, and he could have done with shortening it by about 30 mins. Screenwriter Williams has an onscreen part.

THE FORGOTTEN (1973) See: DON’T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT

FORGOTTEN CITY (the vivero letter; the ark; forbidden city) (1998 US) D: H. GORDON BOOS W: DENNE BART PETITCLERC/ARTHUR SELLERS After his brother is killed in Costa Rica, Robert Patrick fulfills his wish to search for a legendary lost city in the jungle supposedly filled with gold. Rich Fred Ward funds the mission and tags along, as does archaeologist love interest Chiara Caselli. Bottom-of-the-barrel direct-to-tv jungle adventure is based on a novel by Desmond Bagley.

FORKLIFT DRIVER KLAUS: THE FIRST DAY ON THE JOB (stapler fahrer klaus: der este arbeitstag) (1999 GER) D/W: STEFAN PREHN/JORG WAGNER P: MICHAEL SOMBETZKI Very funny nine mins spoof of safety instruction videos gets progressively more outrageous (and gory) as a rookie warehouse worker causes chaos with his forklift. With Konstantin Graudas. Well worth tracking down.

FORMATION EXTREME See: BASIC

THE FORMULA (die formel) (1980 US GER) D: JOHN G. AVILDSEN W/P: STEVE SHAGAN Based on Shagan’s novel, this expensive international flop has a very interesting premise. The Genesis Project is a top secret governmentfunded operation (based on information from Nazi Germany) that can turn coal into oil, thus taking the focus of world power away from the Middle East. George C. Scott is the detective on a murder case who uncovers the conspiracy, Marlon Brando has one of his grotesque overpaid cameos as an oil tycoon and Richard Lynch is a Nazi general. Unfortunately, this long, preachy adaption is very dry and talky. With Sir John Gielgud, G.D. Spradlin, Wolfgang Preiss, Ferdy Mayne, Craig T. Nelson, Stephanie Edwards and Reinhard Kolldehoff.

FORMULA FOR DEATH (level 4; virus) (1993 US) D: ARMAND MASTROIANNI W: ROGER YOUNG P: RANDY SUTTER This tv copy of the hit OUTBREAK (based on Robin Cook’s novel Outbreak) stars Nicolette Sheridan as an agent for Central Disease Control who uncovers a conspiracy involving the administration of a 76 strain of Ebola. Typically mild tv thriller. With William Devane, William Atherton, Kurt Fuller, Barry Corbin, Dakin Matthews, Brian Brophy and Christopher Kriesa.

THE FORSAKEN (vampire hunter) (2001 US) D/W: J.S. CARDONE P: SCOTT EINBINDER/CAROL KOTTENBROOK Film student and trailer cutter Kerr Smith picks up a hitchhiker in the Arizona desert on the way to Miami. He (Brendan Fehr) turns out to be a vampire hunter who’s after a gang of desert bloodsuckers. The vamps drive around at night looking for victims and sleep in the trunk of the car by day. Smith and Fehr both turn out to be infected so have to kill the “forsaken” head vampire. The Vlad the Imapler legend is told to be “bullshit” and an alternate vampire history is traced back to medieval French knights. Cardone’s name attached to a movie usually means it’ll be something a little different and worth a look, but this loud, annoying and highly derivative teen-appeal road movie horror is an exception. With Izabella Miko, Johnathon Schaech, Simon Rex, Alexis Thorpe, Carrie Snodgress, A.J. Buckley and Julia Schultz. It ends with a set-up for a sequel.

FORTRESS (1992 AUSL US) D: STUART GORDON W: STEVE FEINBERG/TROY NEIGHBORS/TERRY CURTIS FOX/DAVID VENABLE P: JOHN DAVIS/JOHN FLOCK In the future (when everybody has barcodes) America is overcrowded so women are only allowed to be pregnant once. Christopher Lambert and his wife try to have a second baby (after the first one dies) and up in a privatised maximum-security prison in the desert. Prisoners have special implants called “intestinators” that can cause pain and make their stomachs explode. A horny robotized Kurtwood Smith runs the prison and monitors prisoners’ wet dreams. Jeffrey Combs is fun as D-Day, a long-haired electronics expert, Vernon Wells is a rapist and there’s an excellent psychedelic hallucination sequence. With Tom Towles, Clifton Collins Jr., Lincoln Kilpatrick and Kira Reed. This (sometimes wild) sci-fi prison escape movie is lots of fun and is one of Gordon’s best along with RE-ANIMATOR and PIT AND THE PENDLUM. It was originally planned as a Schwarzenegger vehicle.

FORTRESS 2: RE-ENTRY (1999 US LUX) D: GEOFF MURPHY W: PETER DOYLE W/P: JOHN FLOCK Christopher Lambert and his family are hunted down and he’s put in a new high-security prison/ power station in space. Vastly inferior sequel is pretty silly (when he’s shot into space, Lambert survives by holding his breath!). With Patrick Malahide as the villainous prison warden, Pam Grier in a useless role as the company president, Yuji Okumoto as a sadistic guard, Nick Brimble and Willie Garson. Murphy made THE QUIET EARTH in his native New Zealand, but has just been given mostly crap to do in the States.

FORTUNES OF WAR (the killing heat) (1993 US) D: THIERRY NOTZ W: MARK LEE P: MATT SALINGER Dull political action flick about Matt Salinger trading arms for medicine with a warlord in Cambodia (it was actually filmed in Austria and the Philippines). With Michael Ironside, Martin Sheen, Michael Nouri and Vic Diaz.

48 HRS. (1982 US) D/W: WALTER HILL W: ROGER SPOTTIWSOODE/LARRY GROSS/STEVEN E. DeSOUZA/ JEB STUART (uncredited) P: LAWRENCE GORDON/ JOEL SILVER Convict James Remar escapes from a chain gang with the aid of big Sonny Landham and the homicidal pair head for San Francisco to get some money from little David Patrick Kelley (memorable in Hill’s THE WARRIORS). Nick Nolte is the gruff cop whose gun is stolen during a shoot-out, who enlists the help of convict-on-leave Eddie Murphy (in his feature debut after doing some Saturday Night Live) to track the pair. Very much a prototype for the 80s buddy-buddy bickering mismatched hero action movie, 48 HRS. is reasonably entertaining, but for some reason has been lauded as some kind of classic over the years by easily pleased critics and audiences alike. That was never true, and now that it has dated it’ll disappoint those looking to be blown away even more. With Annette O’Toole, Frank McRae, Brion James, Jonathan Banks, Denise Crosby, Jim Haynie, Peter Jason, Chris Mulkey, Nick Dimitri, John Dennis Johnston and The Busboys. Nolte calls Murphy “nigger”, “spear-chucker” and “watermelon”. ANOTHER 48 HOURS was the sequel.

44 INCH CHEST (2009 UK) D: MALCOLM VENVILLE W: LOUIS MELLIS/DAVID SCINTO P: RICHARD BROWN/STEVE GOLIN Mobster Ray Winstone totally loses it after his wife (Joanne Whalley) leaves him for another man (French Melvil Poupaud, who never says anything). Winstone and his fellow cronies (John Hurt, Ian McShane, Tom Wilkinson and Stephen Dillane) find him, tie him up in an abandoned house and debate how to deal with him. It’s more-or-less a filmed stage play, but the refreshing, blackly-comic script and spot on performances make it an offbeat winner. Hurt is particularly hilarious as Old Man Peanut, disgusted with McShane’s homosexuality. It even makes good use of Harry Nilsson’s insufferable hit Without You. A “gangster” movie only in the way that SEXY BEAST (from the same writers, also with Winstone) was a gangster movie. With Steven Berkoff, Andy de la Tour (Frances’ brother) and Edna Dopre (from NIL BY MOUTH). Angelo Badalamenti did the music, we hear Tom Jones’ excellent Chills And Fever, and see clips from 1949’s SAMSON AND DELILAH (with Vic Mature).

.44 SPECIAL See: BLAZING MAGNUM

THE .44 SPECIALIST (mark strikes again; mark colspice ancora) (1976 ITL) D: STELVIO MASSI W: LUCIO DE CARO/DARDANO SACCHETTI Franco Gasparri (THE FURY OF HERCULES) returns as the same cop character he played in BLOOD, SWEAT AND FEAR and MARK IL POLIZIOTTO SPARA PER PRIMO (both 1975). A couple of killer drug-dealers are the villains. With John Saxon, John Steiner, Malisa Longo, Andrea Aureli and Paul Muller. A late-night tv screening sent me to sleep.

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (007: your eyes only) (1981 UK) D: JOHN GLEN W: RICHARD MAIBAUM/MICHAEL G. WILSON P: ALBERT R. BROCCOLI None of the Roger Moore Bond adventures are particularly enjoyable, but this one’s one of the least painful. Chaim Topol is the main villain Columbo, with Carole Bouquet, Lynn Hully Jackson, Michael Gothard, Tula Cossey, Julian Glover, Lois Maxwell, Desmond Llewelyn, Walter Gotell, James Villiers, Geoffrey Keen, Charles Dance, Graham Crowden and Paul Brooke. It’s too long as always.

FOR Y’UR HEIGHT ONLY (1981 PHIL) D: “RAYMOND JURY” (EDDIE NICART) W: CORA RIDON CABALLES P: PETER CABALLES Now here’s a movie! Two-feet nine-inches Weng Weng stars as “miniature Bond” Agent 00. When he’s not hanging around the pool with women in bikinis, or strutting his stuff down the discotheque, he’s saving the world from drug-dealers trying to steal the world’s most dangerous bomb. These villains smuggle drugs (that looks like cake mixture) in loafs of bread and plan to sell it in “every kindergarten and sandbox”. Weng Weng is a (real-life) martial arts expert, a skill which he demonstrates by running between men’s legs and kicking them in the balls. He also has an array of gadgets, like x-ray specs, a lethal flying hat (!) and even uses a rocket pack. At the end of this mind-numbing mustsee action comedy we find out that the villain boss (called Mr. Giant, who communicates via a mirror with lights reflected in it) is a slightly taller dwarf. The people responsible for the English dubbing (including Jim Gaines, who had stayed on in the Philippines after working as an extra on APOCALYPSE NOW) must have been taking the piss. Weng Weng returned in THE IMPOSSIBLE KID. I have met many fans of Weng Weng (who died in 1992) on my travels, including a Filippino ex-pat in Palau who remembered enjoying Weng Weng’s “hilarious” stand-up comedy act. While staying at the resort island of El Nido, I enjoyed several Weng Wengs, the name of an original (and highly alcoholic) cocktail (the proof was through the roof).

THE FOUL KING (banchikwang) (2000 S.KOR) D/W: KIM JEE WON This wrestling comedy from the director of the dark comedy THE QUIET FAMILY is one of my personal favourites to emerge from the new wave of Korean cinema. Song Kang-Ho is excellent as a salaryman who can’t get any clients, has no chance with the OL he fancies and is always physically abused by his arsehole boss. He joins a failing wrestling gym and becomes a masked wrestler with dirty tricks like sticking people with forks and blowing powder in their eyes. The photography, editing, script, direction and performances are all top-notch, and there are some hilarious moments. I wish I could find the peculiar, catchy soundtrack. With Park Sangmyeon and Chang Jin-Young.

4D MAN (the evil force; master of terror) (1959 US) D: IRVIN S. YEAWORTH JR. W: THEODORE SIMONSON/ CY CHERMAK W/P: JACK H. HARRIS A scientist with accelerated brain waves discovers that he can displace matter by will alone, and can therefore pass through objects. This act also ages him so he sucks the energy out of others to stay young. This sci-fi from the director and producer of the hit THE BLOB is not very good, but does have an interesting premise that is not completely wasted. Essential for fans of its type. With little girl Patty Duke, Lee Meriwether and Harris in a nightclub.

FOUR FLIES ON GREY VELVET (quatro mosche di velluto grigi; quatre mouchen de velours gris) (1972 ITL FRA) D/W: DARIO ARGENTO W: BRYAN EDGAR WALLACE/LUIGI COZZI/MARIO FROGLIETTI P: SALVATORE ARGENTO For a while this was the most difficult of Argento’s major theatrical releases to see. I guess his ardent fans weren’t disappointed with the tale of a rockstar (Michael Brandon) who’s terrorised by an unseen murderer (seen wearing a cherub mask) who has photographic evidence of him accidentally killing an old man. I thought it was the usual just ok murder mystery hokum, although the ending is great. Mimsy Farmer and Bud Spencer co-star, with Jean-Pierre Marielle, Aldo Bufi Landi, Dante Cleri, Tom Felleghy and Cozzi.

THE FOUR HANDS OF DEATH (the wily match) (1977 HK) D: “RICHARD CHIU” P: LO WEI Jimmy Lee is unwittingly hired to look after and teach a rich lord’s fat, spoilt son (Cheng Ki Hung) in this very silly and highly enjoyable kung fu comedy. A gang of crooks plan to kidnap the son, and a woman with very small feet becomes an object of affection. If you have no tolerance for dumb low-brow slapstick then stick around for the excellent final two-on-one duel involving dog and horse styles (the villain is eventually offed in an unusual, cartoonish way). With Sun Jung Chi and Pang Gang (who both choreographed the action along with Wong Yiu), Chan Wai Lau, Wu Ma, Ngai Ping Ngo, Richard Cheng and Lee Kwan. Music by Frankie Chan.

THE FOUR INVINCIBLES (si dai bo quan; sei daai bai kuen) (1979 HK) D: HWA YAN P: TSAI WEN HUA It doesn’t reach the classic heights of THE CRIPPLED AVENGERS, but this disabled kung fu flick is worth a look. Ku Feng is the next in line for the title of clan leader after the master dies, but devious Jeng Kei Ying cripples and ridicules him, and assumes the position himself, leaving Feng a drunken bum wanderer. Hon Gwok Choi (as a retarded seeming mute), Dai Sai Aan (missing an arm) and blind To Siu Ming (caught shitting in a bucket for comic relief) reluctantly accept Feng as their master. Cue training scenes and a final reel showdown between the “four invincibles” (and Wong Hang Sau) and Kei Ying’s Insane Devil’s Palm technique. Kei Ying (who directed his own kung fu movie called EAGLE FIST) makes a pretty good villain, and gets to say “three spastics will be your pallbearers”. With Dean Shek, Fung Ging Man, Lia Ke Ming and inventive choreography from Choi and Aan. Old school fans should love it.

THE FOUR OF THE APOCALYPSE… (i quattro dell ‘apocalisse) (1975 ITL) D: LUCIO FULCI W: ENNIO DE CONCINI P: PIERO DONATI Fabio Testi is a professional gambler who leads a ragtag bunch (drunken Michael J. Pollard, pregnant prostitute Lynne Frederick and a mad guy) cross-country in this unusual road movie disguised as a western. Not at all what you would expect from Fulci, it benefits from restraint (although there is some gore) and a slow pace. Tomas Milian is great as a sadistic Cheyenne Indian who feeds people peyote before humiliating them. Recommended. It’s based on the stories of Brett Harte. With Bruno Corazzari, Donald O’Brien and Lorenzo Robledo.

FOUR RIDERS (sei gei shi; si ji shi) (1972 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW At the end of the Korean War, four Chinese GIs who can’t stop fighting go head-to-head against drug smugglers in Seoul (led by Yasuaki Kurata). Pretty bleak action movie is essential viewing for fans who want to see what Chang Cheh (and fight choreographers Liu Chia Liang and Tang Chia) were up to before the more elegaic “venoms” movies. With David Chiang, Ti Lung, Chuen Kuan Tai, Lily Li Li Li, Chang Li, Lau Kar Wing, Wong Chung, Lo Dik, Wong Ching, Wong Kwong Yue and Chan Chuen.

FOUR SIDED TRIANGLE (1953 UK) D/W: TERENCE FISHER W: PAUL TABORI P: ALEXANDER PAAL A couple of scientists and childhood friends create a duplication machine in an old barn, capable of replicating anything of any material. Barbara Payton (a good-looking, troubled almost-star who was also in BRIDE OF THE GORILLA) is the woman both men love, a dilemma that the machine may be able to solve. This odd b/w love triangle drama with sci-fi elements is based on a short story by William F. Temple. Not a great story, but this movie seems to have sidestepped all the minor touches that made it an interesting read, including changing the memorable ending for a more run-of-themill boring one. With James Hayter, Percy Marmont, Kyanston Reeves and John Staurt. From (pre-Hammer) Astor.

THE 4TH FLOOR (1999 US) D/W: JOSH KLAUSNER P: NAOMI DESPRES/WILLIAM VINCE/BOAZ DAVIDSON/JOHN THOMPSON Juliette Lewis is an interior designer who moves into a nice, old apartment building after her dead aunt leaves her a room. Shelley Duvall is a busybody neighbour and Austin Pendleton is the nice guy neighbour. The never-seen old lady who’s supposed to be living on the floor below Lewis starts leaving complaining notes about minor moving-in noises. The notes get more threatening and this turns into a tense, wellmounted psycho-downstairs movie. That is until the silly (and predictable) denouement that practically negates all the preceding events. A real shame. With William Hurt as the weathermen boyfriend, Tobin Bell, Robert Costanzo and Ardon Bess.

FOUR TIMES THAT NIGHT (quante volte… quella notte) (1972 ITL) D: MARIO BAVA W: MARIO MORONI/ CHARLES ROSS P: DICK RANDALL Brett Halsey sees sexy Daniela Giordona (a former Miss Italy) walking her dog in the park. He tries to pick her up and we see four conflicting viewpoints on what happens next. In one, Giordona turns out to be a nympho with an insatiable sexual appetite while in another she’s shy and timid and Halsey attempts to rape her. A comical on-screen psychologist attempts to explain it. It’s a pretty entertaining sex farce RASHOMON, and a must for Bava completists. With Dick Randall, Valena Sabel, Michael Hinz, Rainer Basedow, Brigitte Skay, Calisto Calisti, Pascale Petit and an animated intro. Lambert Bava was the assistant director. I originally had to view it during a Bava retrospective with English translation delivered in dull monotone through headphones. It’s been subtitled since then, though.

FOXY BROWN (1974 US) D/W: JACK HILL P: BUZZ FETISHANS Undercover Fed Terry Carter is killed by drug-dealers (including RAPE SQUAD’s Peter Brown). Tough luck for them that his girlfriend was Foxy Brown (Pam Grier, who’s “Super bad. Dig it!”). Exciting follow up to Hill and Grier’s COFFY has enough action, nudity and sleaze to please. With Antonio Fargas as Grier’s jive-ass, drug-dealing brother, Sid Haig, Harry Holcombe, busy stuntman Bob Minor and veteran western Actor Boyd “Red” Morgan. Great opening credit sequence, too.

FRAILTY (nessunoe al sicuro) (2001 US GER ITL) D: BILL PAXTON W: BRENT HANLEY P: DAVID BLOCKER/ DAVID KIRSCHNER/COREY SIENEGA Single parent Bill Paxton has a vision from God. He tells his two preteen sons (including star Matthew O’Leary) that they have been chosen to kill “demons” with “magical weapons”. Soon dad is hitting people over the head with a lead pipe and bringing them home to chop up with an axe. Matthew McConaughey tells the tale to cop Powers Boothe. Utterly engrossing and professionally directed gothic southern melodrama has a nice line in black humour and a great surprise ending. It comes highly recommended, but it’s such a shame that it wasn’t in theatres long enough for more people to see. With Missy Crider and WARRIORS and MEATBALLS references.

FRANCISVILLE EXPERIMENT See: THE ST. FRANCISVILLE EXPERIMENT

FRANCOISE AND EMANUELLE: THE LITTLE SISTERS See: EMANUELLE’S REVENGE

FRANKENHOOKER (1990 US) D/W: FRANK HENENLOTTER W: ROBERT MARTIN P: EDGAR LIVENS Henenlotter made this back to back with BASKET CASE 2. Both are very good, but this is up there with BRAIN DAMAGE as one of his best. James Lorinz (from STREET TRASH) stars as the young genius inventor whose remote-controlled lawnmower accidentally kills his girlfriend (Penthouse Pet Patty Mullen). He keeps the head and develops a supercrack that whores he’s checking for “good parts” smoke. They all explode in a memorable scene. Lorinz pieces Mullen back together, but she has a confused hooker’s memory and starts pulling clients who also explode. Lorinz is great (as usual) and reads a funny poem, there’s some imaginative BASKET CASE-style mutated bodyparts and a great ending. With Louise Lasser, Shirley Stoler, Zacherle, Heather Hunter, Charlotte Helmkamp and Henenlotter. Martin was the original Fangoria Editor. James Glickenhaus was the executive producer.

FRANKENSTEIN (1931 US) D: JAMES WHALE W: JOHN L. BALDERSTON/FRANCIS EDWARD FARAGOH/ GARRETT FORD/ROBERT FLOREY (uncredited)/JOHN RUSSELL (uncredited) P: CARL LAEMMLE JR. Mary Shelley’s novel had already been filmed as FRANKENSTEIN in 1910, LIFE WITHOUT SOUL in 1915 and IL MONSTRO DI FRANKENSTEIN in 1920. This b/w Universal classic was the first to get major attention and is widely recognised as the original blueprint for scores of imitations. Colin Clive is the scientist who puts Boris Karloff (in Jack Pierce makeup) together from bits’n’pieces. Dwight Frye is assistant Fritz, who accidentally steals an abnormal brain. With Mae Clark, John Boles, Edward Van Sloan, Lionel Belmore, Francis Ford, Michael Mark and Cecilia Parker. Still impressive, but the follow up THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN has dated much better and is far more entertaining to a modern audience. As well as this and BRIDE, Whale’s other must-see contributions to the Universal monster and horror legacy are THE OLD DARK HOUSE and THE INVISIBLE MAN.

FRANKENSTEIN AND THE MONSTER FROM HELL (1973 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: “JOHN ELDER” (ANTHONY HINDS) P: ROY SKEGGS Unfairly dismissed final entry in the Hammer series has the now completely dehumanised Peter Cushing secretly continuing his work at a thoroughly corrupt mental asylum. Shane Briant is an unfairly incarcerated inmate scientist who helps the Baron create a new neolithic man (Dave Prowse). Madeline Smith is the mute Angel. More camp than you might expect, it’s an interesting precursor to 74’s FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN. With Patrick Troughton, Bernard Lee, Patrick Allen, Charles Lloyd-Pack, Norman Mitchell and Michael Ward.

FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD (frankenstein tai baragon) (1965 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: TAKESHI KIMURA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA This cult favourite has an extraordinarily silly plot. In WWII Germany, the heart from Frankenstein’s monster is sent to Hiroshima for analysis. The A-bomb is dropped and the heart becomes contaminated. A little boy called Sanda finds and eats it (!) and grows to gigantic size!! American Nick Adams and cute assistant Kumi Mizuno befriend the monster kid. Sanda fights a dinosaur called Baragon and (in the Japanese cut this review refers to) a giant squid (this was cut out of the international prints, but was inserted into the sequel WAR OF THE GARGANTUANS). With Takashi Shimura, Tadao Takashima, Yashio Tsuchiya, Akira Takarada, Mie Hama, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Kenji Sahara, Jun Tazaki, Ren Yamamoto, Ikio Sawamura, Yoshio Kosugi, Haruo Nakajima, Susumu Fujita, Nobuo Nakamura and Yoshifumi Tajima.

FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN (frankenstein made woman) (1967 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: ANTHONY HINDS P: ANTHONY NELSON KEYS After passing on THE EVIL OF FRANKENSTEIN, Fisher returned to the Hammer Frankenstein series with this bizarre, touching (and very good) entry. Peter Cushing has never been better as the Baron, who this time creates a woman (Susan Denberg). What makes this treatment of Mary Shelley’s concept so remarkable is that Cushing manages to capture the soul (a glowing orb) of a recently (wrongfully) executed young man and keeps it in a small roomsized container! Denberg starts killing the people responsible for his death. The ending is downbeat and tragic. With Thorley Walters. The series got more conventional with FRANKENSTEIN MUST BE DESTROYED.

FRANKENSTEIN ’80 (mosaic) (1972 ITL) D/W: MARIO MANCINI W: FERNANDO Di LEONE P: BENDETTO GRAZIANI Otto Frankenstein (Gordon Mitchell) steals a revolutionary serum concocted to reduce the likelihood of rejection after organ transplants, and uses it to make a stitched together monster that rapes hookers. After his sister dies because the serum wasn’t available to aid her operation, reporter John Richardson investigates the string of murders connected by the familiar stench of formaldehyde. One of the trashiest interpretations of Mary Shelley’s original concept, it’s engagingly daft and gory (FX by Carlo Rambaldi). With Dada Gallotti, Luigi Bonos, Luigi Antonio Guerra and Mancini.

FRANKENSTEIN GENERAL HOSPITAL (1988 US) D: DEBORAH “ROBERTS” (SAHAGUN) W: MICHAEL KELLY/ROBERT DEEL P: DIMITRI VILLARD Excruciatingly unfunny spoof has Dr. Frankenstein’s great-great-grandson experimenting in a b/w lab in the basement of the hospital where he works. Irwin Keyes is the monster and Bobby “Boris” Pickett (Monster Mash) has a cameo. With Ben Stein and Kathy Shower. JEKYLL AND HYDE… TOGETHER AGAIN (1982) is by the same people.

FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND (1981 US) D/W/P: “JACQUES LACOUTER” (JERRY WARREN) P: ROBERT CHRISTOPHER (uncredited) You’d be hardpushed to find a more illogical, loopy (and dementedly entertaining) movie than Jerry Warren’s swansong (he died in 1988). It was the first thing he’d directed since THE WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN. Some balloonists (including top-billed Robert Clarke, producer Christopher, and their dogs) crash into the sea. They ride a perfectly good inflatable dingy to the shore of the titular island, then leave it to search for wood to build a raft! What?!? But it seems their luck is in when they encounter leopardskin bikini-clad jungle women who dance to bongos around plastic skulls (while the men eat and leer — classic scene!). But suddenly an overweight man in a black sweater, knit-cap and sunglasses (seriously!) tries to steal one of the women. There are more of these guys (they hang out together and fight), who turn out to be slaves who work for Seila Van Helsing (Katherine Victor from BATWOMAN). She is the great-great-granddaughter of Dr. Frankenstein (John Carradine, whose superimposed head often appears to yell “the power!”), and his former 200-year-old (!) bedridden assistant carries on his experiments. Whether this has anything to do with a crippling pain in the arm that strikes anytime someone simply mentions a location in the world is unclear. But there is a spinning pink lunchbox (I promise I’m not making this up)!! Cameron Mitchell is a sea captain imprisoned in a cell and drained of blood (he also quotes Edgar Allan Poe), who turns out to be the father of one of the jungle girls (who also turn out to be aliens!). If that wasn’t enough, random stuff just happens (check out the plastic Devil’s pitchfork toy that seems to cause the slaves to grow fangs!). I almost died laughing when Clarke utters the line “these are the most beautiful vegetables I’ve ever seen”! Steve Brodie is the laughing Jocko, and Andrew Duggan turns up as an unbelieving (can’t blame him) military type the story is related to at the end. A must-see.

FRANKENSTEIN MADE WOMAN See: FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN

FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE SPACE MONSTER (duel of the space monsters) (1965 US) D: ROBERT GAFFNEY W: GEORGE GARRET/JOHN RODENBECK/ P.H.W. PILLARD This is notoriously bad, but also kind of fun in a desperate way. An evil Martian princess and her bald dwarf assistant land in Puerto Rico (stock footage) to kidnap women. Bruce Glover in a monster suit is the girl-grabbing mutant Mull. But they didn’t count on an American crash-landed astronaut with an elctronic brain who can be remote controlled by the military. Some more military types drive around in a jeep as cool fuzz guitar plays. James Karen has a part. In b/w.

FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN (1943 US) D: ROY WILLIAM NEILL W: CURT SIODMAK P: GEORGE WAGGONER Fifth in the Universal FRANKENSTEIN series is also a sequel to THE WOLF MAN. Lon Chaney Jr. is the werewolf and Bela Lugosi is a strange monster (he originally turned down the part that Karloff became famous for). But this is a fun entry thanks to a decent Siodmak script and atmospheric direction from Neill (who also made many Basil Rathbone/Nigel Bruce Sherlock Holmes movies. In fact, Dennis Hooey does his Inspector Lestrade impersonation here). With Mana Ouspenskaya, Lionel Atwill, Ilona Massey, Dwight Frye, Patric Knowles, Don Barclay, Rex Evans, Harry Stubbs, David Clyde, Jeff Corey, Cyril Delevanti, Lance Fuller and Charles Irwin. HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN followed.

FRANKENSTEIN MUST BE DESTROYED (1969 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: BERT BATT W/P: ANTHONY NELSON KEYS Fifth Hammer horror with Peter Cushing as Dr. Frankenstein. A younger doctor is blackmailed into helping the increasingly cold and callous Frankenstein (who even rapes a woman this time). Another creature is created of course, but it’s not very interesting (the makeup consists of a few stitches). Cushing’s portrayal of a well-scripted, evolving character is excellent, but this entry is the worst in the series, I think. With Freddie Jones, Thorley Walters and Geoffrey Bayldon. Camp would creep in for FRANKENSTEIN AND THE MONSTER FROM HELL, but first Hammer made the non-Cushing THE HORROR OF FRANKENSTEIN.

FRANKENSTEIN’S BLOODY TERROR (hell’s creatures; la marca del hombre lobo) (1968 SPN W.GER) D: “HENRY L. EGAN” (ENRIQUE LOPEZ EGUILUZ) W: JACINTO MOLINA “Paul Naschy” (Jacinto Molina) had already been an extra and done bit parts in several movies in Spain and America when he penned the screenplay that would lead to his leading man stardom for several decades. For the first time he is Waldemar Daminsky, a cursed aristocrat who becomes a werewolf. After lots of the expected werewolf-loose-in-the-rural-community hokum, this gets more unusual when Daminsky seeks help from a couple who turn out to be vampires who want to torture him (for no apparent good reason)! A woman who loves him (a pretty countess) must shoot him with a silver bullet. Apparently, it originally ran over two hours (which doesn’t sound like much fun), the negative was destroyed in a 1970 studio fire. In the US in 1972 Sam Sherman prepared a 78 mins edit (…BLOODY TERROR) with a goofy animated prologue showing the Frankenstein family becoming werewolves (the promo art featured Frankenstein’s monster, nowhere to be seen in the film!). But even this version seemed impossible to see for years. In the 90s, Video Search Of Miami dug-up a (terrible) print of a German-dubbed version (DIE VAMPIRE DES DR. DRACULA or VAMPIRE OF DR. DRACULA) that ran 90-odd mins (with new English subtitles). A much improved print of this version (with an English dub from somewhere) is now on dvd from Media Blasters. But unfortunately all it reveals is that the original Naschy vehicle (once in very effective 3D, apparently) is a bit of a bore. Overly talky, badly paced and a real disappointment for all those fans who waited so long to see it. Good makeup as always, though, and glimpses at some real gothic atmosphere. With José Nieto, Rossana Yanni, Carlos Casarvilla, Angel Menendez, Antonio Jimenez Escribano and Antonio Orengo. The first sequel (NIGHTS OF THE WEREWOLF) was even more unlucky, impounded after the director died soon after production in a car crash, it was never released. So skip to the third movie DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN for now. Scenes from BLOODY TERROR turned up in the fourth Daminsky outing THE FURY OF THE WOLFMAN.

FRANKENSTEIN’S CASTLE OF FREAKS (terror! il castello delle donne maledette) (1974 ITL) D/P: “ROBERT H. OLIVER” (RAMIRO OLIVEROS) W: MAKIO FRANCINI/MARK ROSE/MARK SMITH/ROBERTO SPANO P: DICK RANDALL Surprisingly lacklustre Harry Novak release stars Rossano Brazzi as Dr. Frankenstein, who’s conducting experiments on cavemen (!?) at his secluded castle. Michael Dunn is his dwarf assistant. There’s no gore or nudity and it’s all very serious. With Edmund Purdom, Gordon Mitchell, Luciano Pigozzi (aka Alan Collins), director Alessandro Perrella, and Salvatore Baccaro as Ook “the neanderthal man”. Baccaro was the pubic hair-chewing monster in THE BEAST IN HEAT (as Sal Boris). Here he’s credited as Boris Lugosi!

FRANKENSTEIN’S DAUGHTER (1958 US) D: RICHARD E. CUNHA W: H.E. BARRIE P: MARC FREDERIC Ex-Mrs. Jack Nicholson, Sandra Knight, has dreams that she is the mysterious monster terrorising the neighbourhood. She’s right, because her scientist father’s new assistant is a descendant of the Frankenstein family and he drugs her fruit punch. This causes her to grow long bushy eyebrows, dirty jut-out teeth and ping-pong ball eyes (makeup man Harry Thomas also worked on KILLERS FROM SPACE). “Mr. Frank” is also working on a new stitched-up creation. See a slender young blonde transform into an obvious stocky man (Harry Wilson) in makeup! With John Ashley, Harold Lloyd Jr., Robert Dix, Felix Locher (Jon Hall’s dad), Sally Todd and Page Cavanaugh and his trio. I’m sure I’ve just made this silly b/w horror quickie sound more entertaining than it actually is. Cunha churned out SHE DEMONS and GIANT FROM THE UNKNOWN the same year.

FRANKENSTEIN’S NEW BRAIN See: THE GHOST OF FRANKENSTEIN

FRANKENSTEIN: THE COLLEGE YEARS (1991 US) D: TOM SHADYAC W: BRYANT CHRIST/JOHN TREVOR WOLFF P: ROBERT ENGELMAN Medical students create a monster who becomes a hit on campus in this unfunny formulaic teen comedy. Larry Miller is a bad guy.

FRANKENSTEIN: THE TRUE STORY (1974 UK) D: JACK SMIGHT W: CHRISTOPHER ISHERWOOD/DON BACHARDY P: HUNT STROMBERG JR. Originally shown in two parts, this three hour tv adaptation of Mary Shelley’s novel is very good. Leonard Whiting (who reminds me of Ralph Bates) is one of the screen’s most sympathetic Frankensteins, with James Mason far worse as Dr. Polidori. David McCallum is Clerval and Michael Sarrazin is a good choice for the monster. With Jane Seymour as a female creature (with a memorable beheading scene), Agnes Moorehead, Ralph Richardson, John Gielgud, Tom Baker, Michael Wilding, Peter Sallis and Norman Rossington.

FRANKENSTEIN 2000 See: RETURN FROM DEATH

FRANKENSTEIN UNBOUND (1990 US) D/W: ROGER CORMAN W: F.X. FEENEY P: THOM MOUNT/KABI JAEGER Roger Corman’s sole return to directing credit after years and years is an odd, sometimes silly and nonsensical but weirdly enjoyable and effective sci-fi horror. It’s based on Brian Aldiss’ novel, and stars John Hurt as a scientist from the future who goes back in time to Geneva, 1817. Raul Julia is Dr. Frankenstein, Nick Brimble is the monster, Bridget Fonda is Mary Shelley, Michael Hutchence is Percy Shelley and Jason Patric is Lord Byron. With Mickey Knox and the voice of Terri Treas.

FRANK HENENLOTTER’S SEXY SHOCKER PSYCHO REEL (1994) Henenlotter (director of the BASKET CASE series) releases some very obscure, deranged movies (mostly from the 60s) on Something Weird video in the US. This is a compilation of his favourite scenes from 30 of these movies. It’s a great concept that fails to work in practice. The unique strangeness of these movies dictate that segments don’t stand alone very well outside of the framework. Once a scene is removed it doesn’t work the same way. It’s often been said that the appreciation of “bad” movies is in their sublime qualities. Too sublime it seems to distill. However, some good scenes are from MONDO PAZZO, THE ULTIMATE DEGENERATE, HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND, THE CURIOUS DR. HUMPP, SEXY PROBITISSIMO, THE ELECTRIC CHAIR and INVITATION TO RUIN. Someone unfamiliar with these movies could be put off if they think these are the”best bits”. For instance, THE HOUSE ON BARE MOUNTAIN is great fun, but the clip here doesn’t really do it justice.

FRANK’S GREATEST ADVENTURE See: FEARLESS FRANK

FRANK ZAPPA’S 200 MOTELS See: 200 MOTELS

FRANTIC (1988 FRA) D/W: ROMAN POLANSKI W: GERARD BRACH/ROBERT TOWNE (uncredited)/JEFF GROSS (uncredited) P: THOM MOUNT/TIM HAMPTON Harrison Ford is an American doctor in Paris whose wife mysteriously disappears. Polanski’s attempt at emulating Hitchcock is ok, but overlong and dull in places. Emanuelle Seigner co-stars. With Alain Doutey, Jacques Ciron, Marc Duicourt, Dominique Pinon, John Mahoney, David Huddleston, Alexandra Stewart and director Marcel Bluwal. BITTER MOON (also with Seigner) was less appreciated, but way better.

FRAT NIGHT See: HAPPY HELL NIGHT

FRAULEINS IN UNIFORMS See: THE SHE DEVILS OF THE S.S.

FRAULEIN WITHOUT UNIFORM See: THE SHE DEVILS OF THE S.S.

FREAK (1997 US) D/W/P: TYLER THARPE W: LINDA McCORMICK Two orphan sisters (one is a preteen) drive along some backroads across four states to their new home. A traumatised asylum inmate with his head wrapped in bandages escapes from the back of a van during transfer, kidnaps the younger girl and it all ends up at a creepy old farmhouse at night. This minimal low-budget feature has some effective scenes and good atmosphere, but could have done without the narration and needs a few more shocks and surprises rather than just ending abruptly. The only nasty violence is a b/w flashback. I imagine Tharpe could do well with a decent budget.

FREAKED (hideous mutant freekz) (1993 US) D/W: ALEX WINTER D/W: TOM STERN W: TIM BURNS P: HARRY & MARY-JANE UFLAND The co-star of the BILL AND TED movies made this fun freak comedy. Winter (as the star of the Ghost Dude tv show), Megan Ward and another guy end up in Randy Quaid’s South American prison camp where he creates sideshow attractions with his freak-making machine. There’s plenty to enjoy here, the freak FX are great (Steve Johnson, Screaming Mad George, David Allen and The Chiodo brothers all supervised by Tom Rainone) and the gags are good and come thick and fast. My favourite had to be the gun-toting Rasta eyeballs! Mr. T is the bearded lady, Keanu Reeves is unrecognisable as Dog Boy, and Bobcat Goldthwait’s distinctive voice is heard. With William Sadler, Brooke Shields, Brian Brophy, Morgan Fairchild, John Hawkes, Lee Arenberg, Don Stark, David Bowe and Gibby Haynes form The Butthole Surfers.

THE FREAKMAKER See: THE MUTATIONS

FREAKS (nature’s mistakes; forbidden love) (1932 US) D/P: TOD BROWNING W: AL BOASBERG/WILLIS GOLDBECK/LEON GORDON/EDGAR ALLAN WOOLF Carny barker Ernie Adams’ flashback tells this circus drama of vengeance and betrayal, a true classic original and the jewel in Browning’s crown. Harry Earles is a dwarf who shuns his childhood love (Daisy Earles) for the beautiful “normal” trapeze artist Olga Baclanova. But she’s in league with the strongman (Henry Victor) and poisons Earles on their wedding night (the reception scene is one of the most devastating in cinema history). The “freaks” all band together to take their revenge. The story’s as simple as that, but it’s the day to day atmosphere of the circus that makes this unique and unforgettable. The human torso lighting a cigar for instance is amazing. Much could be said of the scary ending where the “freaks” suddenly seem menacing and devious for the first time, but I think that this sequence is most definitely justified. At the time (and still to this day) it was considered way too strong and had to play the roadshow circuit (“Dwain Esper presents”). The cast: Daisy and Violet Hilton (CHAINED FOR LIFE), Schlitze, Josephine Joseph, Johnny Eck, Frances O’Connor, Peter Robinson, Olga Roderick, Koo Koo, Randion, Martha Morris, Elvira Snow, Jenny Lee Snow, Elizabeth Green, Angelo Rossitto, Edward Bropho, Rose Dione, Leila Hayams, Louise Beavers, Albert Conti, Tom London (check out his incredibly long filmography), Michael Visaroff, Wallace Ford and stuttering Roscoe Ates. Based on Tod Robbins’ story Spurs. Remade as SHE FREAK.

FREAKY FAIRY TALES See: DEAD TIME STORIES

FREDDY GOT FINGERED (2001 CAN US) D/W: TOM GREEN W: DEREK HARVIE P: LARRY BREZNER/ LAUREN LLOYD/HOWARD LAPIDES If you’ve ever seen so-called comedian Tom Green’s MTV show then you’ll know that this film is well worth avoiding. Alternatively, if you’re unfortunate enough to think he’s funny then you might enjoy a feature-length ode to arrested development. Green is a hyper, childish 28-year-old whose father (Rip Torn, who should be thoroughly ashamed, or else desperately in need of the money) wants him to get a job and stop messing around. But Green is set on being an animator in Hollywood. Vacuous bad taste gags abound as the two fight it out and cause destructive chaos around them. Marisa Coughlan is Green’s wheelchair-bound cocksucking girlfriend and Julie Hagerty is his mother. I’m finding it difficult to write a flagrantly unflattering review of this film, because in all honesty it’s not even a fascinating look at the disturbing devolution of modern “alternative” cult comedy wannabes, it’s just pretty boring. Guess I’ll roll the credits: Eddie Kaye Thomas, Anthony Michael Hall, Harland Williams, Drew Barrymore, Shaquille O’Neal, Connor Widdows, Ron Selmour, David Neale, Lorena Gale, Joe Flaherty, Eric Keenleyside, Stephen Tobolowsky and Stephen E. Miller. Mike Bullard’s scenes were deleted.

FREDDY’S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE (1991 US) D/W: RACHEL TALALAY W: MICHAEL DE LUCA P: ROBERT SHAYE/ARON WARNER Sixth ELM STREET is the pits. The terrible, confusing, half-assed story takes place in a town devoid of teens. Lisa Zane is a social worker who ends up there with some of her shelter kids and lots of dream vs reality nonsense happens. Plenty of FX and unfunny wisecracks, no suspense, action or scares. Robert Englund is Freddy, with Breckin Meyer, Yaphet Kotto, Roseanne, Tom Arnold, Johnny Depp, Peter Spellos, Alice Cooper, Matthew Faison and Linnea Quigley. WES CRAVEN’S NEW NIGHTMARE was the next, surprisingly good antidote to these sequels.

FREDDY VS. JASON (2003 US) D: RONNY YU W: DAMIAN SHANNON/MARK SWIFT P: SEAN S. CUNNINGHAM Striped jumper-wearing child murderer Freddy Kreuger (Robert Englund) awakens Jason Vorhees from his slumber in Hell and commands him to kill teens on Elm Street so that the frightened residents will remember his name, allowing him to enter their dreams again. This much anticipated meeting of two incredibly popular horror icons even got jaded old fans (who had long ago tired of their antics) excited with a nostalgic buzz, and the hope that it would be handled with the correct mix of reverence and tongue-in-cheek elements. But unfortunately no one involved seemed to be able to pull anything new out of the hat, or reinvent the wheel. The result is tired, trite, desperate and a sign that maybe we should all move on. However, the fact that it was a surprise box office smash may result in more dead horse flogging at a theatre near you soon. With Monica Keen, Jason Ritter, Kelly Rowland, Lochlyn Munro, Brendan Fletcher, Tom Butler, Zack Ward, Gary Chalk, Calire Riley and wrestler Oscar Guttierez.

FREEDOM DOWNTIME (2001 US) D/P: EMMANUEL GOLDSTEIN Documentary about the hacker community movement and their attempts at informing the general public about alleged “martyr” Kevin Mitnick, a whiz-kid who made the FBI’s most wanted list and was jailed for three years without a trial. I appreciate that a documentary is supposed to change with the circumstances, but Goldstein’s (editor of 2600: The Hacker Quarterly) Michael Moore-inspired meditations on how corporate America and the government are conspiring to put more citizens in prison seem forced, and should really be the agenda for a different documentary. When it sticks to the cold hard facts and doesn’t do stupid things (like put an opinionated good and bad meter on-screen while interviewing a journalist who blackballed Mitnick for instance) this (overlong at two hours) documentary does have important issues. You’ll notice how times have changed when you view the pathetic, laughably law-abiding “demonstration” outside the offices of Miramax about the making of the film TAKEDOWN. Look for Sean Gullette from Darren Aronofsky’s PI being interviewed by the way.

FREEDOM SEEKERS See: INCENSE FOR THE DAMNED

FREEDOM STRIKE (1998 US) D: JERRY P. JACOBS W: G.E. MALLOW P: ASHOK AMRITRAJ/ANDREW STEVENS More Royal Oaks anti-terrorist action. A special team of fighter pilots led by Michael Dudikoff prevent terrorists from disrupting peace talks in Syria. Same old stuff. With Tone Loc, James Karen as the President, Michael Fairman and James Van Patten.

FREEFALL (firefall) (1993 US) D: JOHN IRVIN W/P: DAVID ZITO/LES WELDON Pamela Gidley is a wildlife photographer sent to Africa (actually Venezuela) by her boss/fiancé Jeff Fahey. She meets and has sex with stuntman/skydiver Eric Roberts who turns out to be an Interpol agent protecting her from something or other. It sucks and has lots of scenes in London.

FREE FALL (airspeed; angst uber den wolken) (1998 US CAN GER) D: MARIO AZZOPARDI W: KEN & JIM WHEAT/MARK HOMER P: GAVIN MITCHELL Jaclyn Smith stars as a flight crash investigator who’s targeted by a psycho (Bruce Boxleitner) terrorising an airline by sabotaging planes to crash. This tv movie has ropey crash FX and seems much longer than its 90 mins or so running time. With Hannes Jaenicke, Hayden Christensen, Nigel Bennett and Brett Halsey. Azzopardi also directed the TOTAL RECALL 2070 pilot for tv, and the Wheats made AFTER MIDNIGHT.

FREEJACK (1992 US) D: GEOFF MURPHY W/P: RONALD SHUSSETT W: STEVEN PRESSFIELD/DAN GILROY P: STUART OKEN Race driver Emilio Estevez is rescued from a fatal crash at the last minute and arrives in a dark future (2009) where bounty hunter Mick Jagger chases him on behalf of a dying tycoon who wants his body (Anthony Hopkins). No one much liked this expensive all-star nonsense when it was new and I very much doubt it will be re-evaluated in the future. With Rene Russo, Jonathan Banks, Grand L. Bush, David Johansen, Amanda Plummer, Esai Morales, Frankie Faison, John Shea, Carl Ciarfalio, Mike Starr, David Dwyer and Jerry Hall. Based on a novel by Robert Sheckley called Immortality Inc., which had already been filmed under that title in 1969 (a British tv movie).

FREEWAY (1996 US) D/W: MATTHEW BRIGHT P: CHRIS HANLEY/BRAD WYMAN When her white trash mom (Amanda Plummer) and stepdad are arrested, Reese Witherspoon (who’s excellent) sets out for grandma’s house instead of ending up in a juvenile home. When her car breaks down she’s picked up by a kindly-seeming social worker (Keifer Sutherland) who turns out to be a puritanical pervert and serial killer. She shoots him in the head, but he survives to take her to court. This outrageous and cartoonish modern retelling of Little Red Riding Hood treads the fine line between compassion and a freak show perfectly, and the results are highly entertaining. With Dan Hedaya, Brooke Shields, Bookeem Woodbine, Brittany Murphy, Guillermo Diaz, Alanna Ubach, Conchata Ferrell, Sydney Lassick and Robert Peters.

FREEWAY 2: CONFESSIONS OF A TRICK BABY (trick baby) (1999 US) D/W: MATTHEW BRIGHT P: BRAD WYMAN/CHRIS HANLEY This pretty good sequel is a variation on Hansel and Gretel. A bulimic thief and a nympho lesbian psycho (Natasha Lyonne) escape from a women’s correctional facility and head for Mexico in this interesting, sometimes shocking (and sometimes disappointing) cartoonish road movie. With Vincent Gallo, Max Perlich, John Landis, David Alan Grier, April Telek and Tom Heaton. Charles Band was an uncredited executive producer. Well worth a look.

FREEZE BOMB See: DEATH DIMENSION

FREEZE ME (freezer) (2000 JPN) D/W/P: TAKASHI ISHII P: NOBUAKI NAGAE/TAKETO NIITSU Idol Harumi Inoue (who can be seen naked) stars as a woman in the city with a new life and man (Shunsuke Matsuoka) who’s trying to forget the time when she was gang-raped by her childhood friend (Kazuki Kitamura) and his yakuza friends (Shingo Tsurumi and Naoto Takenaka) in her home town. But her violators find her again and ruin her life. Inoue eventually wises-up and beats the creeps to death one-by-one, putting their bodies in the big new freezers she’s ordered for the apartment. Not bad and undeniably well made, but pretty much a one-idea movie that doesn’t really go anywhere. From the director of GONIN.

FREEZER See: FREEZE ME

THE FRENCH CONNECTION (1971 US) D: WILLIAM FRIEDKIN W: ERNEST TIDYMAN P: PHILIP D’ANTONI Gene Hackman and Roy Scheider are NYC cops trying to bust a drug smuggling operation masterminded by French Fernando Rey. Told in almost documentary style (no incidental music or dramatisation), this is a classic, cool thriller that features great location work (particularly during that infamous car chase). It’s based on a book by Edward M. Keye and Robin Moore, itself based on a real-life event (Eddie Egan, the officer whose work it’s modelled after, has a cameo, and his then partner Sonny Rosso is in it, too). With Tony Lo Bianco, Marcel Bozzuffi and The Three Degrees. A must-see. A sequel followed (which had nothing to do, incidentally, with Moore and Milt Machlin’s follow up “factional” novel, The Set-Up).

FRENCH CONNECTION II (1975 US) D: JOHN FRANKENHEIMER W: ALEXANDER JACOBS/ROBERT & LAURIE DILLON P: ROBERT L. ROSEN Popeye Doyle (Hackman) goes to Marseille in pursuit of Fernando Rey in this very different sequel. It doesn’t have the same edge as the classic original and is pretty slow-going, but the part where Hackman is hooked on heroin is surprising and well-done. With Ed Lauter, Bernard Fresson, Jean-Pierre Castaldi, Charles Millot, Pierre Collet, Philippe Leotard, Jacques Dynam, Raoul Delfosse, Andre Penvern, Jean-Pierre Zola, Roland Blanche, Patrick Bouchitey, Philippe Brizard and Paul Mercy. Hal Needham was stunt co-ordinator and has a part. There was also the tv movie POPEYE DOYLE in 1986.

FRENCH EMANUELLE See: TENDER AND PERVERSE EMANUELE

FRENZY (1972 UK) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: ANTHONY SHAFFER Hitchcock’s first UK production for a long time is also one of his most brutal and best. Jon Finch is wrongly accused of a series of necktie strangulations in London, actually being committed by Barry Foster (an underrated British character actor). Some characters comment on how good it all is for the tourist trade, a good example of the delicious black humour in Shaffer’s script (based on Arthur La Bern’s novel). With Alec McGowen, Billie Whitelaw, Barabara Leigh-Hunt, Anna Massey, Bernard Cribbins, Michael Bates, Jean Marsh, Clive Swift, Madge Ryan and the usual Hitchcock cameo. The photography is by Gil Taylor.

FRESHLY SEVERED HEAD (namakubi jochi jiken) (1967 JPN) D: KINYA OGAWA W: KIYOCHI TSUGAWA P: YASUNORI NAGANO Hachiro Tsuruoka plots to murder his pregnant wife Kozue Hinotori so he can inherit a family fortune and run away with his lover Junko Kozuki. He puts her on the railway track and her head is sliced off. Her apparition returns to haunt him, sometimes as just a head. Yoji Izumida and Yuri Izumi are a doctor and nurse lover also involved in an extra twist. This b/w erotic horror is awful, with some sex scenes in colour and weird synth noises on the soundtrack during a dream sequence.

FRIDAY FOSTER (1975 US) D/W/P: ARTHUR MARKS W: ORVILLE H. HAMPTON Pam Grier is Friday Foster, a sexy fashion photographer who gets involved in a political conspiracy. This tamer than usual Grier drive-in movie (based on a comic strip) is still really enjoyable, with a fun cast. Yaphet Kotto, Godfrey Cambridge, Thalmus Rasulala, Jim Backus, Eartha Kitt, Scatman Crothers, Ted Lange, Carl Weathers, Jack Baker and Julius W. Harris all have parts. From AIP.

FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980 US) D/P: SEAN CUNNINGHAM W: VICTOR MILLER/RON KURZ Some people may try to convince you that this world famous, much-copied and spoofed hit movie series started well. Some might even try to fool you that the original is a minor horror classic. In reality the FRIDAY THE 13TH movies have always sucked, and if you haven’t seen them you are missing fuck all. It’s basically an uncredited remake of Bava’s A BAY OF BLOOD, minus that film’s style, inventiveness, wit and suspense. With Betsy Palmer, Harry Crosby (Bing’s son), Kevin Bacon and Irwin Keyes. Steve Miner was the associate producer. Tom Savini’s FX are very good. Endless sequels followed, and an equally crap remake in 2009.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 (1981 US) D/P: STEVE MINER W: RON KURZ P: DENNIS MURPHY This equally lousy sequel begins with flashbacks to the original. Then it’s more of the same crap with teens at a counsellor training seminar at a (different) camp on the shore of Crystal Lake getting offed. The first “proper” Jason movie, but with a sack instead of a hockey mask. It continued… unfortunately.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3D (1982 US) D: STEVE MINER W: MARTIN KITROSSER/CAROL WATSON P: FRANK MANCUSO JR. Same again, but this time in 3D. As you realise by now I’m no fan of this series, but wish I could have seen this in a theatre if just for the scene where eyeballs pop out of a victim’s head and shoot towards the audience! Oh, this is the first appearance of the hockey mask, too. More followed…

FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER (1984 US) D: JOSEPH ZITO W: BARNEY COHEN/BRUCE HIDEMI SAKOW P: FRANK MANCUSO JR. The fourth entry toned down the blood, but made even more money so that nice-sounding title got contradicted the next year. With Crispin Glover and Corey Feldman. Tom Savini provided FX (as he did for Zito’s INVASION USA the following year).

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING (1985 US) D/W: DANNY STEINMANN W: DAVID COHEN/MARTIN KITROSSER/JOHN SHEPPERD (uncredited) P: TIMOTHY SILVER Corey Feldman’s character in part four grows up to be traumatised, now living in a rural mental institute. After a patient is axed to death by another, more killings start to occur (flare in the mouth, decapitation etc.) and we’re supposed to think it’s him. Bad characters and dialogue and ridiculous situations make this entry more entertaining than the previous ones by default. A backwoods mom says “You big dildo, eat your fucking slop” to her inbred son and the nonsensical ending is a cheat. Feldman appears in a dream sequence. With Miguel A. Nunez Jr.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 6: JASON LIVES (1986 US) D/W: TOM McLOUGHLIN P: DON BEHRNS I was stupid enough to think that the James Bond spoof opening credits might open out onto a completely converted good series entry. Not so. More of the same after the dead Jason is revived by lightning. With Tony Goldwyn and Alan Blumenfeld.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 7: THE NEW BLOOD (1988 US) D: JOHN CARL BUECHLER W: DARYL HENLEY/ MANUEL FIDELLO P: IAIN PATERSO This (still very lame) entry by an FX guy is actually the best in the series so far. A female telekinetic visiting Crystal Lake revives Jason (Kane Hodder) from his deathbed, and he mutates into some kind of monster. Apart from that it’s business as usual, but with a little bit of a faster, slicker pace. With Elizabeth Kaiten and Heidi Kozak.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 8: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN (1989 US) D/W: ROB HEDDEN P: RANDOLPH CHEVELDAVE A revived Jason kills teens on a cruise ship bound for NYC and then at the very end, there’s some scenes in the city (but the subway scenes were filmed in Canada). The only highlight is a guy getting his head punched off. Kane Hodder is Vorhees again, with Gordon Currie and Kelly Hu (her debut). JASON GOES TO HELL was next.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 9 See: JASON GOES TO HELL

THE FRIENDS OF EDDIE COYLE (1973 US) D: PETER YATES W/P: PAUL MONASH After many, many years of an uncut version only being available in grainy bootleg form (which is how I saw it), Criterion have done the world a favour by putting out a nice dvd restoration of this adaptation of (former attorney) George V. Higgins’ amazing 1970 crime novel, and it really is one of those gritty 70s gems that we always need more of. Robert Mitchum stars as a lowlife criminal from Boston, getting on in years but facing a prison stretch. Snitching on cop Richard Jordan could save him some time. Alex Rocco leads a crew of heavily armed bank robbers. The supporting cast (everyone is brilliant) includes Joe Santos, Peter Boyle (in his prime), James Tolkan and Mitch Ryan. Another great Higgins adaptation, KILLING ME SOFTLY, appeared in 2012.

THE FRIGHT See: VISITING HOURS

THE FRIGHTENERS (1996 US) D/W: PETER JACKSON W: FRAN WALSH P: JAMIE SELKIRK After the critical acclaim of HEAVENLY CREATURES, executive producer Robert Zemeckis presents co-producer Jackson’s first big-budget Hollywood FX movie. Everyone expected another talent to be crushed, but this is pretty good and a lot of fun. Michael J. Fox is psychic investigator Frank Bannister. After a car accident heightens his perception he can see the spirits of the dead. In fact, he has three spirits working for him (Chi McBride, Jim Fyfe and Hanging Judge John Astin) and a ghost dog. A series of bizarre heart attacks in the community turns out to be the work of the Soul Collector (an evil looking Jake Busey) who’s obsessed with his killing score (“Another nine and I’ve beaten Bundy”). Dee Wallace Stone is his living accomplice. It’s a far cry from Jackson’s earlier gorefests, but he handles the more reserved mix of horror and comedy well. The bonus is an over-thetop Jeffrey Combs as an eccentric, highly paranoid FBI agent villain (“I’m an asshole with an Uzi”). With Trini Alvarado, Peter Dobson, Troy Evans, R. Lee Ermey and a cameo from Jackson (who went on to the LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy).

FRIGHTMARE (cover up; frightmare 2; once upon a frightmare) (1974 UK) D/W/P: PETE WALKER W: DAVID McGILLIVRAY What is elderly tarot card reader Sheila Keith’s dark secret? Her husband (Rupert Davies) is clearly in on it, as is stepdaughter Deborah Fairfax. Younger daughter-in-her-care Kim Butcher is a troublesome delinquent. Nosy but caring psychiatrist Paul Greenwood is Fairfax’s new boyfriend who opens up a real can of worms. Some viewers may have been burned on dated substandard Walker films in the past (his cult following is largely forced and contrived, I feel), but FRIGHTMARE is a unique mix of exploitation thrills and 70s kitchen-sink drama that mixes horror, humour and social commentary to good, creepy effect. A blood-spattered Keith is memorable, and note pre-DRILLER KILLER power-tool iconography. With Leo Genn, Fiona Curzon., Andrew Sachs and a brief McGillivray appearance. Other Walker/McGillivray movies are SCHIZO, THE CONFESSIONAL (both 1976) and HOUSE OF WHIPCORD (1974).

FRIGHTMARE (1981) See: THE HORROR STAR

FRIGHTMARE 2 See: FRIGHTMARE (1974)

FRIGHT NIGHT (1967) See: NIGHT FRIGHT

FRIGHT NIGHT (1985 US) D/W: TOM HOLLAND P: HERB JAFFE Holland’s directorial debut is one of the better vampire films of the 80s. Chris Sarandon and his cult of vampires move in next door to (teen star) William Ragsdale. The only person he manages to convince is tv horror host Roddy McDowall who transforms himself into a Van Helsing type. FRIGHT NIGHT is funny and sometimes scary and was probably fun to see in a theatre. With Heidi Sorenson. Like GREMLINS 2 (which also had a tv horror host), a clip from OCTAMAN is shown. Incidentally, the tv studio set for McDowall’s show is in fact the old Monogram studio. With Stephen Geoffreys. Remade in 2011.

FRIGHT NIGHT PART 2 (1988 US) D/W: TOMMY LEE JONES W: TIM METCALFE/MIGUEL TEJADAFLORES P: HERB JAFFE/MORT ENGELBERG William Ragsdale (who almost becomes a vampire himself) and McDowall return in this pretty dull sequel from the director of HALLOWEEN 3. The sister of Sarandon’s vampire in the original is out for revenge. One of her vampire cult (who enjoy bowling) is Brian Thompson. Gene Warren provided the FX.

FRITZ THE CAT (1972 US ANIMATED) D/W: RALPH BAKSHI P: STEVE KRANTZ The first ever X rated cartoon was based on the character created by Robert Crumb. Fritz is a very 60s struggling poet who’s basically after sex and drugs in the East Village, Harlem, and en route to San Francisco. The police are shown as pigs, and crows are “spades”. Reportedly Crumb wasn’t pleased by the results, but it remains one of the finest animated features of its time and I really like it. My favourite part is an intro/filler segment in which a crow dances to a great Bo Diddley song. Bakshi made HEAVY TRAFFIC next, while someone else made THE NINE LIVES OF FRITZ THE CAT.

FROGS (1972 US) D: GEORGE McCOWAN W: ROBERT HUTCHISON/ROBERT BLEES P: GEORGE EDWARDS/PETER THOMAS Sam Elliott is an ecologically aware photographer on wheelchair-bound Ray Milland’s island estate during the Fourth of July celebrations. One of those tease features that consists mostly of dull character development and slowly building “suspense”. Endless reminder shots of frogs (and lizards, tarantulas, crocs, snakes etc…) keep us glued to see the result of all this pesticidedriven animal unrest. But the ad-implied giant frogs never materialise. Boring, anticlimactic stuff. With Adam Roarke.

FROM A WHISPER TO A SCREAM (the offspring) (1985/86 US) D/W: JEFF BURR W/P: DARIN SCOTT W: C. COURTNEY JOYNER P: WILLIAM BURR After the death of Martine Beswick by lethal injection (overseen by Lawrence Tierney), reporter Susan Tyrrell visits Vincent Price at the Tennessee town (Oldfield) with a dark history where Beswick grew up. Price tries to convince her of the corrupting influence of the place by relating four stories. The first is a very good and disturbing, if somewhat confusing tale of necrophilia, starring a top-notch (and unrecognisable) Clu Gulager. This is followed by a glass eater who comes to a shocking and grisly demise when he runs away from the carnival; Terry Kiser meets a 200-year-old man living in a swamp, and regrets learning his secret; Cameron Mitchell is a murdering Yankee colonel at the end of the Civil War, who falls victim to vengeful, demented orphan children. Each story is dark, shocking and very well-told. The wraparound is a little weak, but that’s a minor quibble when considering that even an above average horror anthology is rare, and this is a very good one. With Rosalind Cash, Angelo Rossitto and David Del Valle. Most of it was shot in 1985, and then Burr (whose previous credit is something from 82 called DIVIDED WE FALL, that stars John Agar and won some festival awards) contacted Price to shoot his segment a year later. Burr then went on to a bunch of sequels, beginning with STEPFATHER 2. Joyner worked a lot for Charles Band, and Scott later contributed to another good anthology, TALES FROM THE HOOD.

FROM BEYOND (1986 US) D/W: STUART GORDON W: DENNIS PAOLI P: BRIAN YUZNA After the classic RE-ANIMATOR, the same team made this disappointing follow up, also based on the writings of H.P. Lovecraft (but everything in the original story is pretty much crammed into the prologue). It involves Dr. Pretorius’ sonic resonator, a machine that stimulates the pineal gland and allows access to the sixth dimension. Unfortunately, the sixth dimension is full of carnivorous beasts (Ken Foree gets eaten in the best gore FX moment). Rather dull, even with Barbara Crampton transforming into a sexy dominatrix. Read the story instead. It was shot in Rome, and originally cut in the US for an R rating. Richard Band provides the score.

FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE (creatures) (1973 UK) D: KEVIN CONNOR W: RAYMOND CHRISTODOULOU/ ROBIN CLARKE P: MAX ROSENBERG/ MILTON SUBOTSKY Uneven Amicus anthology (their last) with four R. Chetwynd-Haynes stories connected by Peter Cushing’s antique shop. The second tale, with Donald Pleasance (and his lookalike daughter), is the best. Others involve various haunted artefacts, including a mirror that inspires David Warner to kill (second best story). Cushing is fun as usual (“I hope you enjoy snuffing it”). With Diana Dors, Ian Bannen, Nyree Dawn Porter, Lesley-Anne Down, Margaret Leighton and Jack Watson. See also THE MONSTER CLUB.

FROM DEPTH See: DARK WATERS (2002)

FROM DRACULA WITH LOVE See: MY SOUL IS SLASHED

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (1996 US) D: ROBERT RODRIGUEZ W: QUENTIN TARANTINO/ROBERT KURTZMAN P: GIANNI NUNNARI/MEIR TEPER Criminals-on-the-run brothers George Clooney and Tarantino take Harvey Keitel and daughter Juliette Lewis hostage and cross over into Mexico. A leatherneck bar/strip club called The Titty Twister in which they hole-up turns out to be a sanctuary for vampires. Extremely cartoonish and cartoonishly violent horror/crime/road/FX movie is not bad entertainment once, but the major hype around it (fanboys went nuts over a Rodriguez/Tarantino collaboration) may put you off. With Salma Hayek, Cheech Marin, Danny Trejo, Tom Savini, Fred Williamson, Michael Parks, John Saxon, Marc Lawrence, Kelly Preston, John Hawkes, Aimee Graham and Lawrence Bender (an executive producer along with Rodriguez and Tarantino). FULL TILT BOOGIE was a Making Of doc. The Rodriguez/Tarantino team later brought us the overrated graphic novel adaptation SIN CITY (2005), GRINDHOUSE (2007), and the packaging of Rodriguez’s fun pastiche PLANET TERROR and Tarantino’s misunderstood DEATH PROOF.

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY (1998 US) D/W: SCOTT SPIEGEL W: DUANE WHITAKER/BOAZ YAKIN P: GIANNI NUNNARI/ MEIR TEPER/MICHAEL MURPHEY Robert Patrick assembles a team of lowlifes to rob a bank in Mexico, but Danny Trejo (who works at the Titty Twister bar from the first movie) bites one of them and soon Patrick and cop Bo Hopkins reluctantly team up against the superstrong vampires (and there’s an eclipse, just to make matters worse). This sequel (second to be filmed back to back with part three, but first to be released) is too silly and derivative and features too much show-off photography (everything seems to have its own POV shot), but I still enjoyed watching it more than the original. With Muse Watson, Whitaker, Raymond Cruz, Tiffany-Amber Thiesen, Maria Checa, Spiegel and even (briefly) Bruce Campbell. Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez and Lawrence Bender were executive producers. Filmed in South Africa.

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3: THE HANGMAN’S DAUGHTER (1998 US) D: P.J. PESCE W: ALVARO & ROBERT RODRIGUEZ P: GIANNI NUNNARI/MEIR TEPER/MICHAEL S. MURPHEY A hero with flick knife shoes rescues a girl from her abusive father and they end up at the desert whorehouse/bar/vampire lair (from previous entries) in the old west. There are other characters (including Michael Parks as writer Ambrose Bierce) who end up locked in there to fight for their lives, but the plot is pretty minimal, if welltold. In fact this violent, exciting, imaginative (with the help of great KNB FX) prequel is much better than the first two. Pesce also acts in a small part. With Sonia Braga, Rebecca Gayheart, Orlando Jones, Danny Trejo, Temuera Morrison and Skye Blue.

FROM HELL (2001 US) D: THE HUGHES BROTHERS W: TERRY HAYES/RAFEL YGLESIAS P: JANE HAMSHER/ DON MURPHY Rather than correct this review, I thought it best to let what I originally thought stand, for it may be worthwhile for viewers not versed in the original graphic novel. I have tacked my further thoughts on to the end: Visually slick and impressive retelling of the Jack the Ripper case stars Johnny Depp as an East End police inspector with an opium addiction who has visions of the slayings. Based on a graphic novel by Alan Moore and Eddie Campbell, there’s lots of interesting theories and little touches (ignorance, xenophobia, John Merrick, class corruption) that make it different from earlier versions. But it’s also too convoluted, trying to deal with too many different strands that aren’t resolved. And the red herring quota is high. Still, an entertaining high profile exploitation flick. With Heather Graham as a prostitute, Robbie Coltrane, Ian Holm, Jason Flemyng, Ian Richardson, Sophia Myles, Katrina Cartlidge, Joanna Page, Ian McNeice and Estelle Skornik of Renault Clio tv ads (“Papa… Nicole”) fame. Edit: I eventually got around to reading the graphic novel (in which Inspector Aberline is not a junky), which is phenomenally good. On rewatching the film, it became a laughable, fudged (and badly cast) lost opportunity that seems to have missed the point of Moore and Campbell’s vision entirely, and would make more sense as an adaptation of Stephen Knight’s discredited Jack The Ripper: The Final Solution (only one of the source materials that feed into the novel, which is about so much more than any possible conspiracy). I can’t for the life of me now relate to my old review, but that was an honest first response from the uninitiated. It may work for you, too, but why don’t you just get a copy of the novel and really blow your mind?

FROM HELL IT CAME (1957 US) D: DAN MILNER W: RICHARD BERNSTEIN W/P: JACK MILNER American doctors on an atoll in the South Pacific moan and drink. A plague is affecting the locals, but they blame the radioactive fall-out from recent Abomb testing nearby. They also blame the Americans for the death of their chief, but actually he was poisoned by the witch-doctor, and a young man (Gregg Palmer) is framed, killed and buried. A tree-stump starts to grow from his grave, and the superstitious locals talk of Tabanga, the tree monster. Sure enough the stump grows to full-size and has a grimacing face (a pretty cool design from the uncredited Paul Blaisdell). The doctors dig it up, inject it with drugs, and soon it is on the warpath (or war-slow-shuffle). The awkward creature throws a girl in quicksand, and just kind of leans on others to kill them. Despite being mostly very boring melodrama for most of its running time, this ridiculous and memorable b/w Allied Artists release was a cornerstone of the “so-bad-its-good” movement for a reason. It’s probably one of a handful that you should get really stoned to fully appreciate. With Suzanne Ridgeway, and a chatty, irritating female character with the worst attempt at a cockney accent ever. Harry Thomas did some makeup, and that’s pro wrestler Chester Hayes (who plays Maku) in the Tabanga suit. The Milners also made THE PHANTOM FROM 10,000 LEAGUES.

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963 UK) D: TERENCE YOUNG W: JOHANNA HARWOOD/RICHARD MAIBAUM P: HARRY SALTZMAN/ALBERT R. BROCCOLI Sean Connery returns as 007 in the second James Bond movie. The evil SPECTRE group (whose members have retractable spike shoes) lay a trap for Connery by having him transport a Russian cypher machine called Lektor from Turkey to London. A large chunk of the action takes place on a train. Former Miss Italy Daniela Bianchi is the Bond girl. It’s a pretty good spy movie, but not as fun as DR. NO was. With Robert Shaw, Pedro Armendariz, Vladek Sheybal, Martine Beswick, Lois Maxwell, Bernard Lee, Desmond Llewelyn as Q for the first time, Lotte Lenya, Walter Gotell, Francis De Wolff, Hasan Leylan, Anthony Dawson, Eric Pohlmann and Young as an extra. Based on an Ian Fleming novel, of course, as is the whole series. The next was GOLDFINGER.

FROM THE DRAIN (1967 CAN) D/W: DAVID CRONENBERG P: MORT RITTS Cronenberg’s second (15 min b/w) short after the still-elusive TRANSFER is uncharacteristic, surreal and very funny. Two men talk in a bath, and that’s all you need to know short of tracking it down and seeing it yourself. Infinitely more enjoyable than his next ponderous efforts, STEREO and CRIMES OF THE FUTURE.

FROM THE EARTH TO THE MOON (1958 US) D: BYRON HASKIN W: ROBERT BLEES/JAMES LIECHSTER P: BENEDICT BOGEAUS After the early 50s vogue for more modern, realistic sci-fi (DESTINATION MOON etc), here’s a return to the more fantastical, naïve writings of Jules Verne. Joseph Cotten is a rich arms manufacturer who develops a “missile” that will take him, cynical self-righteous George Sanders, Don Dubbins and stowaway Debra Paget to the Moon to prove his theories to all. They don’t wear spacesuits, have a big gyroscope to maintain balance and dine with silverware in a wood-panelled dining room! So, it’s pretty interesting to watch despite a slow pace and a run-out-of-steam conclusion. With Patricia Knowles, Carl Esmond, Henry Daniell, Morris Ankrum, Melville Cooper and Ludwig Stossel. That’s an uncredited Robert Clarke as the narrator.

FRONTIER HELLCAT (among vultures; unter geiern; la dove siende il solo; medju sastrebovimo; pami les vautours) (1964 W.GER ITL FRA YUG) D: ALFRED VOHRER W: EBERHARD KLEINDORFF/JOHANNES SIBELIUS P: HORST WENDLANDT One of many hit Eurowesterns based on books by Karl May. Most star Lex Barker as the Old Surehand/Shatterhand character, but in this case it’s Stewart Granger. The plot involves an outlaw gang that disguise themselves as Indians and a bogus preacher. Granger and wise Indian Pierre Brice solve the mystery and save the day. It’s not a bad time-wasting oater, but too long. With Elke Sommer, Renato Baldini, Walter Barnes, Gotz George, Terence Hill (soon to be a western icon himself), Gojko Mitic, Sieghardt Rupp, Louis Velle, Voja Miric, Stole Arandjelovic, Boris Dvornik, Milan Erdoc and Dragomir “Gidra” Bojanic. Granger also played the same character in RAMPAGE AT APACHE WELLS and FLAMING FRONTIER (also by Vohrer, both 1965).

FRONTIER TOWN (1938 US) D: RAY TAYLOR W: EDMOND KELSO P: EDWARD FINNEY Tex Ritter (and his horse White Flash) are winning all the events at a rodeo competition. This makes villainous Karl Hackett mad, because he’s supposed to be cleaning up with his crooked rider Charles King. Ritter is framed for murder and joins a travelling cabaret with his dopey comic relief pals Stubby (Horace Murphy) and Pee Wee (“Snub” Pollard) to hide out and search for evidence. There’s a bit more to it than that, but that’s the basis of this utterly routine 58 mins b/w oater with some singing. With Lynton Brent, Ed Cassidy, Forrest Taylor, Jack C. Smith, Babe Lawrence, Silver Tip Baker, John Elliott, Augie Gomez, Herman Hack, Chick Hannon, Earl Hodgins, Jimmy Le Fuer, Murdock MacQuarrie, Tex Palmer and Hank Worden. It’s a variation on the 1934 John Wayne vehicle THE MAN FROM UTAH. Others with more-or-less the same plot are TROUBLE IN TEXAS (1937) with Ritter again, MESQUITE BUCKAROO (1939) with Bob Steel, THE UTAH KID (1944) with Hoot Gibson and LAWLESS COWBOYS (1951) starring the wonderfully named Whip Wilson.

FROSTBITER: WRATH OF THE WENDIGO See: WENDIGO

FROZEN (jidu hanleng) (1996 CHN) D/W: XIAOSHUAI WANG W: MING PANG P: KEI SHU/XU WEI This one’s a pretty fascinating docudrama-style look at a true story (from 94). Hongshen Jia stars as Qi Lei, a self-centred, troubled performance artist who decides to kill himself for art during an “ice burial” piece. Sombre and thought-provoking, but not without humour, surprises and many great, memorable scenes. With Geng Li. Recommended.

FROZEN (1998) See: SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK FOR MORE

FROZEN (2009 US) D/W: ADAM GREEN P: PETER BLOCK/CORY NEAL Emma Bell, Shawn Ashmore and Kevin Zigers end up trapped on a ski-lift, suspended above a mountain slope as wolves (cinema wolves that eat humans on sight!) circle like vultures. Not a great film, but it’s quite fun to watch them come up with escape plans, fail abysmally and panic as you ridiculously shout commonsense at the tv screen. From the director of HATCHET (2006) (who has an on-screen cameo, as do Kane Hodder, WRONG TURN 2 [2007] director Joe Lynch and Dee Snider, whose son was assistant director). Shot in Utah.

FROZEN ALIVE (der fall x701) (1964 W.GER UK) D: BERNARD KNOWLES W: EVELYN FRAZER P: ARTUR BRAUNER/RONALD RIETTI An American scientist (Mark Stevens) and his German female colleague (Marianne Koch) are freezing and then reviving chimps in a lab in Berlin. Meanwhile, his neglected alcoholic Brit wife is fooling around with a crime writer. After a lot of drama, she accidentally shoots herself with his gun, and the husband becomes the main suspect. But he’s volunteered himself as the first cryogenic human guinea pig, and is suspended in frozen co2 in a glass case. This watchable but essentially forgettable time-waster was filmed (in b/w) in English, but a newspaper headline is in German (with subtitles). Everyone seems to have forgotten the dead wife in the “happy” ending. A black performer dances to bongos and eats fire in a voodoo-themed club act. With Walter Rilla and John Longden.

THE FROZEN DEAD (1966 UK) D/W/P: HERBERT J. LEDER Leder made this the same year as the equally dumb IT! Dana Andrews’ German accent comes and goes as a Nazi scientist in England working with cryogenically frozen soldiers (still in their uniforms!). Another line of experimentation results in a living head in a jar. In the end, the head psychically commands some dismembered arms on a wall (obviously actors pushing their arms through from the other side) to strangle. Much more interesting to read about than watch. With Karel Stepanek and Edward Fox.

FROZEN SCREAM (1975 US) D: FRANK ROACH W: DOUG FERRIN/MICHAEL SONEY/CELESTE HAMMOND W/P: RENE HARMON A woman refuses to believe that her husband died of a heart attack, positive that he was murdered. With the help of a cop whose voice-over often overlaps the dialogue, she discovers that a nurse looking after her (Harmon with a post-dubbed cod German accent) is in cahoots with a college professor called Fritz. They take brainwashed students on field trips and preach about immortality. Eventually, after lots of talk (and an awful band playing Jack Around The Shack at a barn dance), we see “frozen” human zombies who’ve been injected with a serum that lowers their bodily functions (or some crap like that). The only gore scene is an axe in the head, which I guess is why it ended up a “video nasty” in the UK. It concludes with a hypo in the eyeball and credits moving very slooowly. Once on a double tape with THE EXECUTIONER, PART 2, I can only pity unsuspecting renters who took this “bargain” release home for the night.

FROZEN TERROR See: MACABRE (1979)

FUDOH: THE NEW GENERATIONS (gokudo sengokushi: fudoh) (1996 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: TOSHIYUKI MORIOKA P: YOSHINORI CHIBA/TOSHIKI KIMURA Celebrated cult director Miike first made his name on the international circuit with this outstanding adaption of Hiroshi Tanemura’s manga. Ricky Fudoh is a high school gangster whose father is a yakuza boss. Ricky has never forgiven his father (Toru Minegishi) for having killed his brother when he was a kid, so he enlists the help of fellow students on his payroll to wipe out dad’s operations. Gun-toting 10-year-olds are just as effective as after school stripper girls who fire darts from their vaginas! Riki Takeuchi (the king of low-budget yakuza and gambling flicks in Japan) is a big, mean student who literally walks over teachers. A dazzling, violent gem that can’t be done justice in this review. See it. With Satoshi Nizuma, Miho Nomoto and Mickey Curtis. Two non-Miike sequels followed.

FUGITIVE ALIEN (1978 JPN) D: MINORU KANAYA/ KIYOSUMI KUZAKAWA W: KEIICHI ABE/BUNKOU WAKATSUKI/YOSHIHISA ARAKI/HIROYASU YAMAMURA/ HIDEYOSHI NAGASAKI/TOYOHIRO ANDO P: JUSHICHI SANO/AKIRA & NOBORU TSUBARAYA Tatsuya Azumi starred as a “Wolf Raider” who switches sides to fight for the human race as part of captain Jo Shishido’s spaceship crew in the sci-fi series Starwolf. Episodes of the cheap-looking Tsubaraya Productions tv show were edited into two bottom-of-the-barrel features (this and STAR FORCE) in 1986 by Sandy Frank. Both have been on MST3K. With Miyuki Tanigawa and Akihiko Hirata.

FUGITIVE RAGE (1995 US) D/W: FRED OLEN RAY W: DANI MICHAELI/SEAN O’BANNON P: JIM WYNORSKI A woman is sent to prison for shooting an acquitted gangster who killed her sister. Tim Abell is the government agent who becomes involved with her while protecting her at a luxury halfway house. It’s worthless apart from the cast. Shauna O’Brien, Ross Hagen, Calista Carradine, Robert Quarry, Nikki Fritz, David F. Friedman, Katherine Victor, Jay Richardson, Peter Spellos and Olen Ray himself.

FULL ALERT (go do gaai bei; gao du jie bei) (1997 HK) D/W: RINGO LAM W: W.K. LAU P: LI KUO HSING After his first flirt with the obligatory Hollywood Van Damme vehicle (MAXIMUM RISK), this was Lam’s comeback HK movie. Demolition expert Francis Ng is first arrested for manslaughter when an architect’s body is found in a watertank. The cops know that blueprints for a vault that he stole indicate a robbery in progress, but where, and how, will his Taiwanese accomplices bust him out of jail? Gripping from the get-go, this thriller (with some nice action set pieces) is top-notch, and aside from some implausibilities (one prison break seems far too easy, and the cops are a tad thick at times) it really sucks you in. Lau Ching-Wan (who’s particularly good) co-stars as the main detective in the cat’n’mouse hunt. With Amanda Lee, Chin Kar-Lok, Monica Chan, Emily Kwan, Lee Siu-Kei, Frankie Ng, Chris Lee and Andrew Kam.

FULL BRUNT OF ATTACK See: NO CODE OF CONDUCT

FULL CONTACT (hap diy go fei; xia dao gao fei) (1992 HK) D/P: RINGO LAM W: NAM YIN This is often referred to as a masterpiece. I wouldn’t go that far, but it’s pretty fucking good. Chow Yun Fat and Anthony Wong (in BUN MAN the same year) are small time gangsters who are double crossed by psychotic Simon Yam and his crew during an artillery robbery. A great, influential final shoot-out involves bullet POV shots. With Frankie Chan and screenwriter Yin.

FULL DISCLOSURE (2001 CAN) D: JOHN BRADSHAW W/P: TONY JOHNSTON P: JOHN GILLESPIE An alcoholic down-on-his-luck newspaper journalist (Fred Ward) gets a scoop on some Palestinian terrorists at the same time that an old favour is called in and he must hide Peruvian refugee Roberta Maxwell in his house. Dull political thriller is slow and talky and the story is less than intriguing. Even the usually watchable Ward is boring. With Penelope Ann Miller, Virginia Madsen, Rachel Ticotin and Kim Coates (also in the director’s LETHAL TENDER) and Christopher Plummer as Feds.

FULL ECLIPSE (syringe) (1993 US) D: ANTHONY HICKOX W: RICHARD CHRISTIAN MATHESON JR./ MICHAEL REAVES P: PETER ABRAMS/ROBERT J. LEVY In this silly but entertaining horror action tv movie, Mario Van Peebles is a burnt-out LA cop who joins Bruce Payne’s gang of vigilante werewolf cops. They inject themselves with a superdrug that enhances their performance. With Patsy Kensit, Anthony John Denison, Jennifer Rubin, Jason Beghe, Paula Marshall, Dean Norris, Scott Paulin and Robert Culp’s son, Joseph. Matheson (son of Richard Matheson) was also a co-executive producer. This review refers to the unrated video version, but there’s also an R.

FULL METAL JACKET (1987 UK) D/W/P: STANLEY KUBRICK W: MICHAEL HERR/GUSTAV HASFORD Matthew Modine stars (and narrates) as a Marine who becomes a war photographer in ’nam. R. Lee Ermey is hilarious as the commanding officer who helps drive fat Vincent D’Onofrio to suicide in the excellent first half set in a basic training camp. Things slow down drastically once we reach ’nam, but there is fine use of The Trashmen’s Surfin’ Bird. With Adam Baldwin, Ed O’Ross, Arliss Howard, Dorian Harewood, Bruce Boa, Sal Lopez and Kubrick’s voice. This loose adaption of veteran Gustav Hasford’s mesmerising semi-autobiographical 1979 novel The Short-Timers was Kubrick’s first since the disappointing THE SHINING, and he wouldn’t direct again until the disappointing EYES WIDE SHUT. Once a great director (THE KILLING, DR, STRANGELOVE, SPARTACUS), the opening 45 mins of FULL METAL was the only truly great thing Kubrick directed over almost a 30 years period. Hasford’s follow up was The Phantom Blooper (1990). Herr was a war correspondent for Esquire, whose experiences in Vietnam were recorded in Dispatches (1977).

FULL METAL PANIC! (2002 JPN ANIMATED) D: KOICHI CHIGIRA W: SHOJI GATOH P: SHIGEAKI TOMIOKO/ TSUNEO TAKECHI/MASAFUMI FUKUI/SEJIN SUZUKI “Serious” anime fans may have found it beneath contempt, but this cute, addictive series (24 x 25 mins episodes) was fun. Centring on a highly skilled teen special ops officer who fights inside huge mechas (robots), it begins with him assigned to protect a cute, independent schoolgirl incognito, she being valuable for reasons she doesn’t understand. Just as much about comedy and light eroticism as action, it’s lightweight and loveable, just like sub commander Tessa Testarossa. Started life as short stories, a novel and a manga series. FULL METAL PANIC: FUMOFFU was a follow up series.

FULL METAL YAKUZA (full metal gokudo) (1997 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: ATARU ERA/HIROKI YAMAGUCHI P: YUJI NAGAMORI/NAOKI ABE Wimpy yakuza underling Tsuioshi Ujiki is killed along with his boss. He returns as a head on a robot body pieced together from the remains of his boss by mad scientist Tomoroh Taguchi. He’s superstrong, superfast, has hypersensitive hearing, x-ray vision and a very big dick! This comedic action movie has lots of blood, violence, a woman raped in chains biting off her own tongue (and then her corpse is fucked). Ren Osugi decapitated and lots of cartoonish action set pieces. It’s pretty silly, but never boring. Era wrote other movies for Miike, including VISITOR Q.

FULL MOON HIGH (high school wolf) (1982 US) D/W/P: LARRY COHEN Cohen’s movies usually have a sly, clever vein of wit running through them. But his attempt at all-out comedy pretty much falls flat. Adam Arkin (real-life dad Alan also appears) is a high school football player who goes with his father Ed McMahon to Romania (to help the CIA) in the 50s. He’s bitten by a werewolf and can’t age. He returns to his home-town after many years and enrolls as his own son. All his old friends have aged. Kind of likeable to a certain degree, the non-stop barrage of only occasionally funny gags wears you out. With Pat Norita, Louis Nye, Julius W. Harris, Kenneth Mars, Laurene Landon and John Blyth Barrymore.

FULL TILT BOOGIE (1997 US) D: SARAH KELLY P: RANA JOY GLICKMAN Irritating and completely unnecessary documentary about the making of FROM DUSK ‘TIL DAWN doesn’t really shed any light on the creative process and has really stupid gossipy segments about set romances etc. Lawrence Bender comes across as the most level-headed and sensible, talking about the troubles facing a non-union shoot. With Robert Rodriguez, Quentin Tarantino, George Clooney, Juliette Lewis, Harvey Keitel, Fred Williamson and Michael Parks.

FUN (1994 CAN) D/P: RAFAL ZIELINSKI W: JAMES BOSLEY P: JAMES R. ZATOLOKIN Renee Humphrey and a very hyper Alicia Witt (later in CECIL B. DEMENTED) are bored and abused teenage girls who kill an old woman for fun after they bond as very close friends. These scenes are seen in colour flashbacks, while case worker Leslie Hope and tabloid journalist William R. Moses interview the girls in a present-day b/w juvenile detention centre. The similar HEAVENLY CREATURES got all the press when it was released the same year, but this is also very good and believable. The two young leads are excellent. Director Zielinski is not known for his quality flicks, his NATIONAL LAMPOON’S LAST RESORT from the same year is more typical. Damian Lee was co-producer.

THE FUNERAL (1996 US) D: ABEL FERRARA W: NICHOLAS ST. JOHN P: MARY KANE Old resentments and family rivalries resurface during the funeral of Vincent Gallo in this low-key but rewarding and original period gangster piece. Annabella Sciorra (also an associate producer) has a good part as Christopher Walken’s wife, fed-up to the gills with the worthless macho-romanticism of her husband and his mobster kin. Chris Penn is also excellent. With Isabella Rossellini, Benicio Del Toro, Gretchen Mol, Vic Argo, David Patrick Kelly, John Ventimiglia, Robert Miano, Edie Falco, John Hoyt and a clip of Humphrey Bogart from THE PETRIFIED FOREST (1936). Ken Kelsch was the cinematographer.

FUNERAL HOME (cries in the night) (1980 CAN) D/P: WILLIAM FRUET W: IDA NELSON A young woman goes to stay with her religious and slightly confused-seeming widow grandmother (Kay Hawtrey) in the country, and helps out with her new hotel, converted from its former incarnation as a funeral home. Guests disappear and turn up dead in this good, creepy rural horror movie with a few surprises. Probably the best from Fruet (DEATH WEEKEND, SPASMS). With Barry Morse, Stephen E. Miller, Alf Humphreys and Harvey Atkin.

FUNERAL PARADE OF ROSES (bara no soretsu) (1969 JPN) D/W: TOSHIO MATSUMOTO P: MITSUROO KUDO This b/w counterculture landmark in Japanese cinema is pretty dated nowadays and is about 30 mins too long, but still has some interesting ideas and visuals. Transvestite Peter stars as Eddie who wants to take over the hostess bar she works in. She tries to seduce the current madam’s lover/boss (Yoshio Tsuchiya from Toho monster movies) and move in in what’s basically a condensed gay version of Oedipus Rex. The film is often stopped for behind-the-scenes commentary, interviews with many transvestite “gay boys”, the Eirin stamp, a pot party orgy with freak-out guitar on the soundtrack and even a trip up the Tokyo Tower (much of the location photography is excellent). With a (real) sinking graveyard, sex scenes to fairground music, speeded-up scenes, and the film is reviewed by a critic. Mostly arty and pretentious, but the climactic self-mutilation of the eyes is creepy, bloody and memorable. With Emiko Yazuma.

FUNERAL PROCESSION OF ROSES See: FUNERAL PARADE OF ROSES

THE FUN HOUSE (1973) See: THE LAST HOUSE ON DEAD END STREET

THE FUNHOUSE (carnival of terror) (1980 US) D: TOBE HOOPER W: LAWRENCE BLOCK P: STEVEN BERNHARDT/DEREK POWER Teens visiting a travelling carnival decide to stay the night in the funhouse. They encounter a sub-TEXAS CHAIN SAW dysfunctional family complete with mutant killer. Very routine, very boring. With Cooper Huckabee, Sylvia Miles, William Finley, Kevin Conway and Herb Robins (of THE WORM EATERS fame). Mark L. Lester was an executive producer.

FUN IN BALLOON LAND (1965 US) A little boy imagines that he enters a fairy tale book, and encounters lots of huge inflatable balloon characters. People shouting from off-camera try to create the illusion of interaction with the child (who flubs his lines, and often seems bored and fidgety), so this seems like a filmed school-play in a balloon warehouse. I like the two cheerful cowboys, and pipe-smoking octopus best (complete with “underwater” sound effects). There are also some people in costumes (blowfish, lobster). The film then shows no mercy by including 30 mins of footage (the whole thing only runs 53) of a Christmas street parade with those (sometimes quite impressive) balloon character floats (also note the black men as clowns in whiteface makeup!). A very enthusiastic woman narrates. There’s also a (terrible) sing-a-long theme tune. It seems to have been shot (very cheaply) in Philadelphia. My heart goes out to the local kids who, after suffering the parade year after year, had to sit through a movie about it during a Saturday morning matinee! If threadbare balloonthemed surreal kids’ movies, or obscure parade documentaries are your thing, go for it!

FUNLAND (1986 US) D/W/P: MICHAEL A. SIMPSON W: BONNIE L. TURNER/TERRY TURNER P: WILLIAM VANDERKLOOT When an amusement park manager (William Windom) dies, the place is taken over by clichéd Italian mobsters who make drastic budget cuts. David L. Lander stars as a crazed, schizophrenic clown dressed as a slice of pizza who hallucinates and becomes a sniper after he gets fired. This is in fact a (very unfunny) black comedy written by Saturday Night Live writers and directed by a guy who made SLEEPAWAY CAMP sequels.

FUNNY BONES (1995 UK US) D/W/P: PETER CHELSOM W: PETER FLANNERY P: SIMON FIELDS Oliver Platt is an unfunny comedian always in his popular comedian father’s (Jerry Lewis) shadow. After bombing at a big show in Vegas, he travels incognito to his childhood home, Blackpool, England. There he pays £50 per act that auditions to find something funny, until eventually the odd, tragic Lee Evans turns up, a man who can’t help being funny, and his showbiz family. Starts off intriguing with some great scenes, but then runs out of steam before regaining itself for a rousing finish. It’s an interesting, almost successful attempt at something different. With Richard Griffiths, Oliver Reed, Leslie Caron, Ian McNeice, Ticky Holgado and Tony Barton.

FUNNY MAN (1994 UK) D/W: SIMON SPRACKLING P: NIGEL ODELL An obnoxious record producer wins the keys to a country mansion from Christopher Lee (heard intermittently throughout after a brief scene). He goes there with his wife, and a bunch of hitchhikers (including a Thelma from Scooby-Doo lookalike, and Pauline Black of The Selecter fame) also thumb a lift there with some delivery men. A guy dressed as Punch (as in Punch and Judy) kills, makes wisecracks in his Welsh accent and will really get on your nerves. I suppose it’s supposed to be surreal and cartoonish, but just doesn’t make much sense (especially when you have trouble staying awake). With Ed Bishop and the voice of BBC Radio 1 DJ Steve Wright.

FU-RAI (2005 JPN) D/W: SHUGO FUJI P: TOMOKI HAGIO/AYA SASAKI Four strangers (Shugo Oshinari, Ayaka Maede from PERFECT BLUE, a Korean and a fat guy) wake up in a closed room, naked and covered in white powder. They’re sometimes gassed and force-fed a liquid by men in gas masks. Flashbacks reveal their backstories. Poor direction is largely to blame for robbing this CUBE-inspired 71 mins low-budgeter of any enigmatic suspense. The surprise ending is amusing, but straight out of a certain classic Twilight Zone episode. From the director of LIVING HELL (2000).

THE FURY (1978 US) D: BRIAN DePALMA W: JOHN FARRIS P: FRANK YABLANS Kirk Douglas searches for his psychic son (Andrew Stevens) who’s been kidnapped by a secret government agency for his powers. Amy Irving is another girl with the same powers at the same psychic institute (run by Charles Durning). A little too slow-paced, this thriller based on Farris’ novel is one of DePalma’s better movies that benefits from its distance from the Hitchcock template. With Carrie Snodgress, John Cassavetes, Rutanya Alda, Dennis Franz, Daryl Hannah (her debut), James Belushi as an extra and a great revenge ending.

FURY IN RED See: EASTERN HEROES

THE FURY OF THE WOLFMAN (the wolfman never sleeps; la furia del hombre lobo) (1970 SPN) D: JOSÉ MARIA ZABAZA W: JACINTO MOLINA (PAUL NASCHY) Naschy is El Hombre Lobo again in the fourth entry in a series that began with FRANKENSTEIN’S BLOODY TERROR. He’s a professor who returns from a disastrous expedition in Tibet where everyone except him was killed (this is not shown). He discovers his wife is having an affair, kills her and her lover and transforms into a werewolf. Perla Cristal is a mad scientist who makes mutants and turns Naschy’s dead wife into a wolf woman. It’s all pretty terrible and re-uses footage from BLOODY TERROR (Naschy claims the drunken director didn’t shoot enough footage). The final line of dialogue is “what a beautiful day it is”. Also with Mark Stevens in his last known feature role. THE WEREWOLF VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN was the immediate (and vastly superior) follow up.

FURY ROAD See: FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE

FUTURE COP See: TRANCERS (series)

FUTURE COPS (chiu kap hok gaau ba wong; chao ji kiao jiao ba wang) (1993 HK) D/W: WONG JING P: JOHN HIGGINS Dicky Cheung can’t graduate and is still in school even though he’s 28. The bullied student is having a very bad day. Andy Lau, Simon Yam and Jacky Cheung are all Street Fighter II characters from the future who arrive in the present day to protect Dicky and influence future events. Aaron Kwok also comes back in time for the bad guys led by M. Bison, but eventually ends up fighting for the common-ground. This incredibly silly action fantasy is full of physical cartoonish comedy that’s enjoyably goofy for a while, but then it really starts to grate. A sequence with Chingmay Yau takes place inside a Mario Bros arcade game. With Yuen King-Tan as Dicky and Chingmay Yau’s mam, Andy Hui, Billy Chow, Dennis Chan, Frankie Ng, Nat Chan Pak Cheung, Ken Lo Wai-Kwong, Lee Siu-Kei and Ekin Cheng. Wong Jing also paid homage to Street Fighter II with the Jackie Chan vehicle CITY HUNTER.

FUTURE FORCE (1989 US) D/W: DAVID A. PRIOR P: KIMBERLY CASEY In the near future when justice has “ceased to exist” David Carradine is a bounty hunter/law enforcement agent who works for the privatised C.O.P.S. He fights corrupt superiors and other bounty hunters while protecting a female newscaster. He also has a special metal glove that can fire laser beams and can be operated by remote control. It’s from Action International Pictures, a video company set up by Prior and David Winters. Like most AIP releases, this is very cheap and very bad. With Robert Tessier and Dawn Wildsmith. Carradine (who’s too old for his part here) and wife Gail Jones were associate producers. FUTURE ZONE was the sequel.

FUTUREKICK (1991 US) D/W: DAMIAN KLAUS P: ROGER CORMAN After her important computer programmer husband is killed in the polluted, crimeridden New LA of the future, Meg Foster leaves her nice home on the Moon to try to solve the crime. She hires a kick-boxing cyborg bounty hunter (star Don “The Dragon” Wilson) to help her in this pretty mindless Concorde/New Horizons release. A conspiracy that isn’t properly explained involves hearts being ripped out and sold. A game called Laserblade results in a guy’s head being blown apart, like SCANNERS. There are several other decapitations, a guy explodes and you get to see endless (obviously) edited-in shots of strippers (including Maria Ford) from another movie (STRIPPED TO KILL 2). I think some other stock footage might have sneaked in, too. If you actually enjoy this crap, I’m sure the ending that reveals it was all a VR headset hallucination will have you climbing the walls. With Christopher Penn.

FUTURE SPORT (death game 2025) (1998 US) D: ERNEST R. DICKERSON W: ROBERT HEWITT/STEVE DE JARNATT P: DAVID ROESSELL ROLLERBALL obviously inspired this dull futuristic sports action thriller. The plot (far too routine to mention) revolves around a popular televised skateboard/catch-ball sport. Dean Cain stars and Wesley Snipes is a Rastalook anti-hero enigma. With Vanessa L. Williams, Bill Smitrovich, Valeie Chow, Franciose Yip, Matthew Walker, Hiro Kanagawa and lots of stunt people. Snipes was an executive producer. I liked the robospider spy cameras.

FUTURE WAR (1994 US) D: ANTHONY DOUBLIN W: DOM MAGILI/DAVID HUEY P: DAVE EDDY Utterly ridiculous action sci-fi stars Daniel Bernhardt as an alien slave on Earth trying to convince a reformed junky hooker nun to help him battle dinosaurs (obvious toys) sent to eat us (or something). Another alien tracker (Robert Z’Dar) engages him in kickboxing fights. Laughable and boring in equal measures, so you might have to be in the mood. Forrest J. Ackerman has a cameo reading a copy of his Famous Monsters of Filmland magazine.

FUTURE WOMEN See: THE GIRL FROM RIO

FUTUREWORLD (1976 US) D: RICHARD T. HEFFRON W: MAYO SIMON/GEORGE SCHENCK P: JAMES T. AUBREY/PAUL LAZARUS Lousy sequel to WESTWORLD stars Peter Fonda and Blythe Danner as journalists investigating the reopened Delos theme park, particularly the new space-age Futureworld. A cloning conspiracy is uncovered. Arthur Hill and scientist John P. Ryan are villains. Yul Brynner (the star of the original) returns briefly for a laughable dream sequence. With Stuart Margolin and Allen Ludden.

F/X: MURDER BY ILLUSION (1986 US) D: ROBERT MANDEL W: ROBERT T. MEGGINSON/ GREGORY FLEEMAN P: DODI FAYED/JACK WIENER Bryan Brown is an FX expert in New York who’s hired by the Justice Department to fake the death of government witness Jerry Orbach. Brian Dennehy is his cop partner in this pretty good thriller with decent action and I DISMEMBER MAMA references. With Cliff De Young, Trey Wilson, Tom Noonan, Diane Venora, Angela Bassett, Joe Grifasi and James Pickens Jr.

F/X 2: THE DEADLY ART OF ILLUSION (1991 US) D: RICHARD FRANKLIN W: BILL CONDON P: DODI FAYED/JACK WIENER Inferior sequel from the Australian director of PSYCHO 2. Brown and Dennehy return with more FX and a more convoluted conspiracy. I liked the fight with a robot clown. With Rachel Ticotin, Philip Bosco, Kevin J. O’Connor, Philip Akin, Philip Jarrett, Damir Andrei and Gerry Quigley.

GACY (2003 US) D/W: CLIVE SAUNDERS W: DAVID BIRKE P: LARRY RATTNER/TIMOTHY SWAIN This true-crime biopic begins in Wisconsin 1953, with abusive father John Wayne Gacy Sr. (Adam Baldwin) harassing his introverted teen son during a fishing trip. Then we jump to Des Palines, Illinois, 1976, as Gacy Jr. (a well-cast Mark Holton, who you might remember from 80s flicks like PEE WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE) is making his second attempt at suburban family bliss, following his imprisonment for rape and sodomy (a title card explains this). In real-life, the long-time death row inmate who is known to have raped and killed over 30 young men (the details are not lingered on here) had an extremely busy socialclimbing career and threw elaborate street parties for his neighbours and associates. That aspect is toned down somewhat, leaving a more insufferable Gacy who owes money and whose pissed-off neighbours complain about the stench from the crawlspace under the house (where most of the corpses were found) and make fun of his weight. What we’re left with is not bad, but neither a good bad-taste shocker that revels in gruesomeness, or an accurate enough chronicle of events to take seriously. Charlie Webe’s character, for instance, is a composite of two different men who moved in with Gacy after his wife and kids left. With Allison Lange (also in THE HILLSIDE STRANGLER), Larry Hankin, Rick Dean and Glenn Morshower. When Gacy was executed in 1994, his final words were, apparently, “kiss my ass”. Screenwriter Birke also worked (uncredited) on the screenplay for the previous year’s DAHMER (equally vague about the facts, but a better film). Brian Dennehy portrayed Gacy in a 1992 miniseries, TO CATCH A KILLER.

GALACTIC ODYSSEY See: MIND BREAKERS

GALAXINA (1980 US) D/W: WILLIAM SACHS P: MARILYN TENSER Centrefold Dorothy Stratten (who was actually murdered by her husband the day this premiered in Kansas City) stars as a sexy robot servant called Galaxina on-board a spaceship run by Captain Butt (Avery Schreiber). The crew (Stephen Macht as Thor, a cowboy, a philosophy-spouting Chinaman and a black guy) are sent on a mission to an old Wild West-style planet. What’s most notable about this attempted sci-fi comedy is how unfunny it is. You can see everyone trying, but the sheer comic ineptitude sometimes borders on the surreal, it’s that bad! Of course, this is no way a recommendation. With Angelo Rossitto as an alien, Rhonda Shear and Marilyn Joi. ALIEN is spoofed, of course. From the director of THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN.

GALAXY EXPRESS 999 (ginga tetsudo 999) (1978–1981 JPN ANIMATED) D: NOBUTAKA NISHIZAWA/ MASAYUKI AHEKI/KUNIHIKO YUYAMA W: KEISUKE FUJIKAWA/HIROYASU YAMAURA/YOSHIAKI YOSHIDA/REIJI MATSUMOTO In the year 2221, real human beings are a rarity and hunted for sport. Everyone wants a machine body so they can live forever, but you need a ticket to travel to Andromeda on the Galaxy Express, an old steam engine that travels through space. Tetsuro is an orphaned boy with a ticket who travels with a helpful woman called Metal. This great tv series (that ran 114 episodes) follows their adventures on each planet they stop at on the journey. Various alien characters usually try to steal Tetsuro’s ticket and a lesson is learned each week. There were so many great ideas and characters it would take too long to list them all. But I really like the conductor and Horo Horo. I recommend you check it out. Based on a manga by Reishi Matsumoto. There were several follow ups.

GALAXY OF TERROR (mindwarp: an infinity of terror; planet of horrors; quest) (1981 US) D/W: B.D. CLARK W: MARC SIEGLER P: ROGER CORMAN/ MARY ANN FISHER A crew led by Edward Albert (and pilot Grace Zabriskie) is sent by “the master” (who has a glowing head) to a distant planet where some astronauts have gone missing. It’s not as exact an ALIEN clone as some, but it was obviously influenced by it. Despite some gory shocks, it seems much longer than its 70+ mins running time. My favourite part is the rape by a space worm thing. With Sid Haig, Robert Englund, Ray Walston, Zalman King and Bernard Behrens.

GALAXY QUEST (1999 US) D: DEAN PARISOT W: ROBERT GORDON/DAVID HOWARD P: MARK JOHNSON/ CHARLES NEWIRTH The main cast of a Star Trek-style show called Galaxy Quest are taken into space by an oppressed alien race (who approach them at a fan convention) because they think the shows they’ve been able to pick up in space are “historical documents” and the actors are real intergalactic heroes who can help them. Alan Rickman is miserable and funny as the theatrical Dr. Lazarus, Sigourney Weaver is surprisingly sexy in a blonde wig and cleavage-revealing top as the eye candy with nothing to do but repeat the computer’s messages, Tony Shalhoub is low-key as the Scotty character, Daryl Mitchell is a black former child star Chekhov, Sam Rockwell is a brief one-time cast member who was killed-off early, and top-billed Tim Allen is the attention hogging Captain Kirk-eque Commander. This sci-fi comedy adventure (with awesome visual FX and makeup supervised by Bill George and Stan Winston) surprised me by being genuinely funny and really entertaining. Enrico Colantoni is the lead ambassador for the good aliens (who are actually squid-like monsters when they’re not using “appearance generators” to look human). I loved their cute Thunderbirds-style way of walking. With Missy Pyle, Justin Long, J.P. Manoux, Dian Bachar, Rainn Wilson and David Dorfman.

THE GALLERY MURDERS See: THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE

GAMBLE PLAY See: THE GOOD THIEF

THE GAMBLER (1974 US) D: KAREL REISZ W: JAMES TOBACK P: IRWIN WINKLER/ROBERT CHARTOFF James Caan is excellent as an English Literature professor who gambles and owes $44 k in this great, involving character study of a man with a compulsion to throw all caution to the wind, just because he can. James Toback (who got to direct the underrated and somewhat thematically similar FINGERS next) wrote a great, unusual and surprising script with fine dialogue. The supporting cast is superb, especially Burt Young (who doesn’t get much screen time) and Paul Sorvino. With Vic Tayback, Lauren Hutton, Allan Rich, Stuart Margolin, Antonio Fargas, M. Emmet Walsh, James Woods amd Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs. Reisz made WHO’LL STOP THE RAIN next.

THE GAME (1997 US) D: DAVID FINCHER W: JOHN D. BRANCATO/MICHAEL FERRIS/LARRY GROSS (uncredited)/ ANDREW KEVIN WALKER (uncredited) P: CEAN CHAFFIN/STEVE GOLIN After the hit SE7EN, with its nods to all things giallo, Fincher made this homage to 70s conspiracy movies. Michael Douglas is a millionaire investment banker who’s introduced to CRS (Consumer Recreation Service) by his estranged brother Sean Penn. After an interview where they get all his personal details, CRS begin to infiltrate every part of his business and private life, eventually draining his assets and leaving him for dead in Mexico. He fights back and things conclude with a highly unlikely surprise ending. Reasonably enjoyable at the time, but ludicrous when you look back on it (and overlong at over two hours). With Deborah Unger, James Rebhorn, Peter Donat, Carroll Baker and Armin Mueller-Stahl.

GAME OF DEATH (si wang you xi) (1973 US HK) D: ROBERT CLOUSE D/W/P: BRUCE LEE D: SAMMO HUNG W: JAN SPEARS P: RAYMOND CHOW It’s nice to be able to see the great footage of Bruce Lee fighting the giant Kareen Abdul-Jabbar, but the rest of this cut’n’paste feature (Lee died midway through making it) is a real chore and depressingly bad. The loopy plot is mostly connected by Lee look-not-a-like Kim Tai Chung wandering about in big sunglasses and being shot from obscure angles. With Gig Young, Dean Jagger, Colleen Camp, Hugh O’Brien, Sammo Hung, Casanova Wong, Yuen Biao (those last three in the HK print only), Bob Wall, James Tien, Lam Ching Ying, Mars, Bruce Law, Betty Ting Pei, Whang ing-Sik, Yuen Wah, George Lazenby, Bruce Li and Nora Miao. Roy Chiao is only in the English version. The familiar Lee funeral footage is trotted out as well, just to leave a bad taste in your mouth. It wasn’t released until 1978.

GAME OF DEATH 2 (tower of death; sei miu taap; si wang ta) (1980 HK S.KOR) D: NG SEE YUEN P: RAYMOND CHOW This doesn’t seem as tasteless as its predecessor, but isn’t exactly respectful, either. Tung Lung plays the brother of “Billy Lo” (either stock footage of Bruce Lee, or an unconvincing double in long-shot, or with the camera behind him or something) who’s killed while attending his master’s (Hwang Jang Lee) funeral in Japan (stock footage of a temple near the Tokyo Tower, and Ginza). The coffin is stolen by guys in a helicopter! The ridiculous plot involving an inverted underground tower and drug smuggling is mind-boggling, but some of the martial arts (choreographed by Yuen Woo-Ping) is just fine, making this a solid (if somewhat warped) modern kung fu actioner. Roy Horan has a larger role than usual, with Roy Chiao, Lee Hoi Sang, Yuen Biao, Yuen Shun-Yi, Kok Lee Yan, Brandy Yuen, Huang Ha, Ringo Wong, Corey Yuen Kwai and footage of a young teen and preteen Lee in films used completely out of context (just like in FIST OF FEAR, TOUCH OF DEATH). Please bear in mind that there are at least six (!) alternate cuts of this movie, and I have no idea which one it is I am reviewing here. Some may feature a different cast list (I think Casanova Wong is in one version).

GAME OF SURVIVAL See: TENEMENT

GAME OF THE DRAGON See: BRUCE LEE THE INVINCIBLE

GAME OVER (1988) See: HIDE AND FREAK

GAMER (slayers; ultimate game) (2009 US) D/W: MARK NEVELDINE/BRIAN TAYLOR P: GARY LUCCHESI/ TOM ROSENBERG/SKIP WILLIAMSON/RICHARD WRIGHT “Some years from this exact moment” and the Slayers reality tv/video game show is a worldwide phenomenon. Death row inmates are “played” in a war zone by wealthy gamers, via a hi-tech control device injected into the brain. Gerard Butler stars as Kable, a long-time survivor about to win his freedom on his 30th game. Logan Lerman (PERCY JACKSON) is the kid who controls him. Ludacris runs the renegade underground group Humanz, intent on destroying the game. Michael C. Hall (tv’s DEXTER) seems to be enjoying himself hamming-it-up as the game’s ridiculously wealthy criminal inventor. Made by the curious Neveldine and Taylor duo between CRANK movies (but released after), this ridiculously hyperstylish in-your-face mess of a movie could easily grate on your nerves (it might have on mine if I hadn’t been in the mood), but I kind of appreciate Neveldine and Taylor’s throw-it-at-the-wall-and-see-if-it-sticks approach, and this has many nice touches which indicate that they are a bit more selective in their zany set pieces than you may think (if you pay attention). You may find the retro 80s-feel ending a let-down, but it works on the same level as the so-called “hypnagogic pop” of James Faerraro, for example, I think. With Amber Valletta, Kyra Sedgwick (THE CLOSER), Alison Lohman (who could play Linda Blair in a biopic), John Leguizamo, Zoe Bell (DEATH PROOF), Terry Crews, Keith David, Noel Gugliemi and Lloyd Kaufman of Troma.

GAMERA 2: ASSAULT OF THE LEGION (or COMING OF LEGION) (gamera 2: region shurai) (1996 JPN) D: SHUSUKE KANEKO W: KAZUNORI ITTO P: MIYUKI NANRI/NAOKI SATO/TSOTMU TSUCHIKAWA By far the best of the new series, with Gamera against Legion, an underground network of creatures that arrived in a meteor shower. Plenty of good monster action here, and it’s nicely paced with a minimum of the usual sappy filler. With Miki Mizuno, Toshiyuki Nagashima, Akiji Kobayashi, Tomoroh Taguchi and Bengal.

GAMERA 3: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE 1999: INCOMPLETE STRUGGLE (gamera 3: revenge of iris/the awakening of iris/iris kakusei) (1999 JPN) D/W: SHUSUKE KANEKO W: KAZUNORI ITO P: MIYUKI NANKI/NAOKI SATO/TSUTOMU TSUCHIKAWA The flying turtle, the Gaos and a new monster Iris appear in this pretty dull entry with good FX. Tokyo and Kyoto are trashed. With Shinobu Nakayama, Ai Mayeda, Ayako Fujitani, Senri Yamazaki, Masahiko Tsugawa, Nujiko Kiokawa and Tomoroh Taguchi (who’s pretty much wasted).

GAMERA, THE GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE (gamera daikaiju kuchu kessen) (1995 JPN) D: SHUSUKE KANEKO W: KAZUNORI ITO P: TSUTOMU TSUCHIKAWA Originally Gamera had been Daiei Studio’s answer to rival Toho’s immensely popular Godzilla series. However it was Toho who resurrected the giant turtle for a new series in the mid-90s. Fukuoka and Tokyo come under attack from Gamera’s arch enemies, the Gaos. The heroes and heroines must convince the powers-that-be that Gamera is not the threat in this solid, if routine monster stomp comeback. With Tsyoshi Ihara, Akira Onodera, Shinobu Nakayama, Steven Seagal’s daughter Ayako Fujitani, Yukijiro Hotaru and Akira Kubo.

GAMERA THE INVINCIBLE (daikaiju gamera) (1965 JPN) D: NORIAKI YUASA W: FUMI TAKAHASHI P: YONEJIRO SAITO Nuclear testing at the North Pole unleashes a giant flying turtle in Daiei studio’s answer to the Godzilla movies. Aimed at kids, it’s still a solid b/w monster movie for all ages, with a great unexpected ending. In the US it was messed about with (just like GODZILLA) and inserts of Albert Dekker and Brian Donlevy were added. With Eiji Funakoshi, Jun Hamamura, Bokuzen Hidari and Alan Oppenheimer. This review refers to the original Japanese version (now available with English subtitles). GAMERA VS. BARUGON was the first sequel.

GAMERA VS. BARUGON (war of the monsters; daikaiju kessen: gamera tai barugon) (1966 JPN) D: SHIGEO TANAKA W: NISAN TAKAHASHI P: MASAICHI NAGATA In this first sequel, Gamera returns to Earth on a meteorite and fights Barugon (who’s basically Baragon from FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD with alterations), a creature who can fire freezing rainbows (!?!). With Kyoko Enami, Koji Fujiyama and Ichiro Sugai. Mostly pathetic entry, followed by GAMERA VS. GAOS.

GAMERA VS. GAOS (the return of the giant monsters; daikaiju kuchusen; gamera tai gaos) (1967 JPN) D: NORIAKI YUASA W: FUMI TAKAHASHI P: HIDEMASA NAGATA In the third Gamera movie, the flying turtle goes up against the reptilian Gaos for the first time. The Gaos became Gamera’s recurring nemesis in many pictures, but this is a pretty pathetic entry even for the most ardent Tokyo-stomping fan. With Kojiro Hongo and Kichijiro Ueda. The next entry was GAMERA VS, VIRAS.

GAMERA VS. GUIRON (attack of the monsters; gamera tai daikaiju giron) (1969 JPN) D: NORIAKI YUASA W: NISAN TAKAHASHI P: HIDEMASA NAGATA A couple of young boys climb aboard a spaceship that takes them to Tera, a planet on the other side of the Moon. A couple of cute space women appear to be kindly but want to eat their brain cells for knowledge. Guiron is their guard dog, a monster with a knife-shaped head that slices up Gaos (or, Gyaos). He can also launch shuriken and lives in a secret hideout beneath a riverbed (and also has an evil laugh). Our flying turtle hero soon comes to the rescue. With Eiji Funakoshi, Kon Omura (a comic actor whose glasses keep falling down) and edited highlights from earlier entries in the series. “Gambate Gamera.”

GAMERA VS. JAIGA See: GAMERA VS. MONSTER X

GAMERA VS. MONSTER X (gamera vs jaiga; gamera tai daimaju jaiga) (1970 JPN) D: NORIAKI YUASA W: FUMI TAKAHASHI P: HIDEMASA NAGAT The sixth in the original Gamera series. A sacred stone statue from Wester island is transported to Osaka for Expo 70. This results in dinosaur-like Jiga escaping from a volcano. When Gamera tries to help, Jiga injects the super-turtle with larvae. Consequently, the little Jaigas suck Gamera’s blood so he becomes anaemic (and transparent!?!). Kids help by piloting a minisubmarine around inside Gamera, FANTASTIC VOYAGE style. An offbeat entry, worthwhile for monster movie fans. With Kon Omura and Junko Yashiro. GAMERA VS. ZIGRA was next.

GAMERA VS. VIRAS (destroy all planets; gamera tai uchu kaiju virus) (1968 JPN) D: NORIAKI YUASA W: NISAN TAKAHASHI P: HIDEMASA NAGATA In one of the finest and most visually memorable oddities of the original series, Gamera and some kids are taken aboard an alien spaceship. Fair enough, but wait until you see the supercool squid-like monster Viras. It’s one of the best screen monsters ever! With Kojiro Hongo and lots of stock footage.

GAMERA VS. ZIGRA (gamera tai shinkai kaiju jigara) (1971 JPN) D: NORIAKI YUASA W: FUMI TAKAHASHI This is the last proper feature in the original Daiei Studio series (it was followed by the cut’n’paste SPACE MONSTER GAMERA compilation). It’s also one of the strangest, as the heroic flying turtle protects kids at a marine park from Zigra, a shark-headed oddity with a beak that it uses to talk! Toho bought the rights to the monster in 94, and a new GAMERA was released.

THE GAME ROOM (cube i.q.) (1999 AUSL) D/P: JOE TORNATORE W: MIKEL ANGEL P: MARY WONG JENKINGS The mentally unstable son of a once great (now wheelchair-bound with Alzheimer’s) violinist is picked on at school. He invites some mean students and teachers to his big house for a weekend housewarming and locks them in a big cubicle after terrorists release anthrax in the countryside. There’s torture by starvation, steam and rats until he eventually drowns them. This odd, seemingly confused movie doesn’t really go anywhere and is ultimately futile and boring. American Tornatore usually stays at home in the US to make his curiously bad features.

GAMMA I QUADRILOGY VOL. 1 See: THE WILD, WILD PLANET

THE GAMMA PEOPLE (1956 UK) D/W: JOHN GILLING W/P: JOHN W. GOSSAGE W: LOUIS POLLOCK An American (Paul Douglas) and an Englishman (cheerful, horny Leslie Phillips, having fun as always) are travelling across Eastern Europe by train, when their carriage takes the wrong route and ends up in the tiny closed country Gudavia. The local government puts on a fake show of gratitude for their visit, but they can’t get any communications out, and are kept away from experiments involving gamma rays conducted by reclusive mad scientist Walter Rilla (father of VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED director Wolf). Kids bombarded with gamma rays (they sit still wearing helmets attached to vertical wires) either become geniuses or brainless zombies. One snotty little smart arse subject is particularly troublesome. At the end, when Rilla and the ray are destroyed, everyone seems to be nice again. The unusual b/w release has a reputation for being an offbeat gem, but truth told it’s a largely unsuccessful, uneven mix of broad political sci-fi satire and lighter knockabout humour (neither of which is very funny or thought-provoking). With Eva Bartok (later in BLOOD AND BLACK LACE) and Cyril Chamberlain. Irving Allen and Albert R. Broccoli were executive producers. Gilling started directing in the 40s (he had already added OLD MOTHER RILEY MEETS THE VAMPIRE to his resumé in 52). He’s most famous now for his Hammer flicks (especially THE PLAGUE OF THE ZOMBIES).

GANGLAND See: THE CAULDRON OF DEATH

GANGS OF NEW YORK (2002 US GER ITL UK NETH) D: MARTIN SCORSESE W: JAY COCKS/STEVEN ZAILIAN/KENNETH LONERGAN P: ALBERTO GRIMALDI/HARVEY WEINSTEIN Scorsese has made so many great films over the years that people have high expectations and don’t really give his work a chance to be viewed without comparison. I guess many didn’t expect such a colourful and cartoonish (yet historically accurate) epic from him, but I had a great time with it (and it didn’t seem like close to three hours, either). Nineteenth century Civil War-era New York City is overrun with immigrants (especially the Irish). Daniel Day-Lewis is superb (and very funny) as Bill the Butcher, a “native” who’s against letting all the foreigners in. Leonardo DiCaprio is a young street punk under his wing who secretly wants vengeance for the murder of his Irish gang leader and priest father (Liam Neeson, who doesn’t last long). The many bloody street battles are excellent, as are the costumes, Monica Sallustio’s impressive sets (built in Rome) and Michael Ballhaus’ photography. With Cameron Diaz, Jim Broadbent, John C. Reilly, Henry Thomas, Brendan Gleason, David Hemmings, Gary Lewis, Stephen Graham, Eddie Marsan, Larry Gilliard Jr., Roger Ashton-Griffiths, Barbara Bouchet, Stuart Ong, Michael Byrne, John Sessions, Giovanni Lombardo Radice (aka Italian exploitation regular John Morghen!), Peter Berling, Sean McGinley, Angela Pleasence, Salvatore Billa, Massimo Vanni and Scorsese.

GANGSTER AT BAY See: GUNMAN IN THE STREETS

GANGSTER No.1 (1999 IRE UK GER) D: PAUL McGUIGAN W: JOHNNY FERGUSON P: JONATHAN CAVENDISH/NORMA HEYMAN Malcolm McDowell is an ageing gangster looking back over the years at how he climbed the criminal ladder of success. But anyone expecting a clichéd, romanticised look at the London underworld is in for a surprise. And it’s not a hip, stylised (although it is stylish) romp along the lines of Guy Ritchie’s films, either. Instead what we get is a tragic, bleak look at a genuine psychotic unable to obtain happiness or the respect of his peers. A young McDowell is played by Paul Bettany (who looks the part and is excellent and scary) and David Thewlis his successful pretty-boy boss. Bettany’s sadistic cut-throat little fucker has ambitions and the majority of the film (1960s–70s) chronicles his plot to take over Thewlis’ organisation. The second part sees McDowell in the present day. A deranged, lonely man who’s genuinely pathetic. With Saffron Burrows, Kenneth Cranham, Eddie Marsan and Razaaq Adoti. Director McGuigan had previously helmed the disappointing THE ACID HOUSE, but he’s kept his visual style for this much better script and the results are excellent. All this writing doesn’t really do it justice, please see for yourself.

GANG WIVES See: WIVES OF THE YAKUZA

GANJA AND HESS (black evil; black vampire; blackout: the moment of terror; blood couple; double possession; vampires of harlem) (1972 US) D/W: BILL GUNN D: EFIM NOVIKOV P: CHIZ SCHULTZ After years of reading how great this “vampire” movie was, a viewing of the uncut version left me sorely disappointed. Was there a plot? Just a series of pretentious sleep-inducing scenes where nothing happened. Don’t believe me? See for yourself and waste your time. Duane Jones and Marlene Clark star, with Bill Gunn.

GANTZ (2010 JPN) D: SHINSUKE SATO W: YUSUKE WATANABE P: TADASHI TANAKA/NOBUHIRO IIZUKA Kennichi Matsuyama and Kazunari Ninomiya (from pop group Arashi) are hit by a subway train, only to wake up alive, locked in an apartment full of strangers. The titular black sphere (with someone inside) supplies them with protective body armour and weapons, and materialises them in different city locations where they must destroy dangerous, bizarre aliens (like Onion Man) within a certain time limit (for points). Between these bouts they wake up back in their normal lives. A full explanation should not be expected this time (it’s “to be continued…” in the shot back-to-back sequel GANTZ: PERFECT ANSWER), so relax and enjoy a different and quite exciting sci-fi actioner with great visual FX (like the giant buddha statue straight out of a Sinbad movie) and bad acting (which kinda suits the material). Natsuna provides the tight PVC-clad eye candy. With Tomoroh Taguchi, Kanata Hongo, Yuriko Yoshitaka and Takayuki Yamada. Hiroya Oku’s manga was also adapted for the 2004 animated series Gantz. Edit: PERFECT ANSWER turned out to be overserious, boring rubbish, all the fun of the first having been siphoned off.

GAPPA THE TRIPHIBIAN MONSTER See: MONSTER FROM A PREHISTORIC PLANET

GARDEN See: GARDEN OF EVIL

THE GARDENER (1974) See: THE SEEDS OF EVIL

THE GARDENER (1997) See: GARDEN OF EVIL

GARDEN OF EVIL (the gardener; silent screams; garden) (1997 US) D: JAMES D.R. HICKOX W: JOSEPH GUNN/ALEX KIM P: “SIMON SHEEN” (SANG-OK SHIN) Is highly respected botanist and gardener Malcolm McDowell (who has an accelerated growth disorder) using human bodies to fertilise his prizewinning creations? Could be. Angie Everhart is the tough cop heroine in this nonsense from the director of BLOOD SURF (who also appears along with that other Hickox: Anthony). With Richard Grieco and Olivia Hussey.

GARDEN OF THE DEAD (tomb of the undead) (1972 US) D: JOHN HAYES W: JOHN JONES W/P: DANIEL CADY A rural chain gang-style prison work camp is about to be closed down. The inmates there inhale formaldehyde when the wardens aren’t looking. I guess this is what results in them returning from the dead after they’re killed during a prison break attempt. They attack with gardening equipment, seem pretty nimble for zombies, and sniff more formaldehyde. It’s not a good film, but very odd, with a sublime 70s ambiance, perfect for 4am viewing, especially when it’s only 58 mins long. One for a select masochist audience (you know who you are). Lee Frost is in it, and Joe Blasco provides zombie makeup. May I suggest sniffing some formaldehyde before viewing?

GARGANTUA (1998 US) D: BRADFORD MAY W: RONALD PARKER P: PETER V. WARE Adam Baldwin is a single-parent marine biologist on a small Hawaiian island (actually Australia) terrorised by a green dinosaur-like lizard looking for its cute baby. Should keep kids amused on a lazy afternoon, but there’s better things you should show them.

THE GARGON TERROR See: TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE

GARGOYLE See: TROUBLE EVERY DAY

GARGOYLES (1972 US) D: BILL W.L. NORTON W: STEPHEN & ELINOR KARPF P: ROBERT W. CHRISTIANSEN/ RICK ROSENBERG This fondly remembered and highly regarded tv movie stars Cornel Wilde as an anthropologist who steals a gargoyle’s skull shown to him in the desert, and is then chased by (men-in-monster-suit) gargoyles that want it back. Bernie Casey is the educated monster leader who wants his daughter. As long as you don’t buy into its overblown reputation, it’s a fun 70 mins or so. With Scott Glenn as a dirt bike-riding hero, and Grayson Hall. Norton made CISCO PIKE for the bigscreen the same year.

THE GATE (1987 CAN US) D: TIBOR TAKACS W: MICHAEL WANKIN P: JOHN KEMENY Stephen Dorff heads the cast of this fun horror movie where a bunch of kids resurrect lots of slim, stop-motion trolls in the garden using a heavy metal record (and its free booklet). Worth a look. With Kelly Rowan. A lesser sequel followed in 1990.

THE GATE OF FLESH (nikutai no mon) (1964 JPN) D: SEIJUN SUZUKI W: GORO TANADA/TAIJRO TAMURA Yumiko Nogawa is the new girl in a gang of postwar Tokyo prostitutes who work the demolished black-market streets. They shelter Joe Shishido, a wild ex-soldier street punk who’s on the run for killing an American GI. Due to the amount of nudity and sexual torture on display (tame by today’s standards), the phrase “pink eiga” (pink film) was popularised (although the first pink eiga proper is considered to be DAYDREAM, from the same year; the term was in fact coined in 1962 for FLESH MARKET). An excellent exploitation drama that more foreigners and Japanese alike should see. There are some great cinematic touches that utilise Shigeyoshi Mine’s excellent photography. Based on Tamura’s novel, and remade in 1977.

GATES OF HEAVEN (1978 US) D/P: ERROL MORRIS This is the infamous, award-winning classic documentary on a pet cemetery in California. Interviews include the original founder, the people who own and run it, customers and the manager of a rendering plant. A pretty fascinating slice of Americana that can’t be done justice in a write-up. I will say that it’s more touching and complex than some commentators give it credit for, it’s not just for disbelief and laughs. See also WERNER HERZOG EATS HIS SHOE. Morris made the undervalued VERNON, FLORIDA (1981) next.

THE GATES OF HELL See: CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD

GATE TO AVALON See: AVALON (2001)

THE GATHERING (2002 UK US) D: BRIAN GILBERT W: ANTHONY HOROWITZ P: PIPPA CROSS/MARC SAMUELSON/PETER SAMUELSON American Christina Ricci is hit by a car driven by Kerry Fox while in a small community in the English countryside. Meanwhile, Fox’s husband Stephen Dillane is restoring some kind of church found buried. Ricci has hallucinations/premonitions of terrible things happening to Fox and Dillane’s little kids. The surprise ending of this supernatural thriller would be good if it were in a different film, I think. With Ioan Gruffudd, Mackenzie Crook, Oliver Chris and Robert Hardy.

GATOR (2005) See: THE BRUTAL RIVER

‘GATOR BAIT (1976 US) D/W/P: BEVERLY SEBASTIAN D/P: FERD SEBASTIAN Claudia Jennings is a poacher in swamp country who battles rednecks and corrupt cops (including sheriff Bill Thurman) in this much-talked about drive-in hit. Shame it doesn’t live up to it’s reputation. Without much sex or violence. A sequel followed years later.

GATTACA (1997 US) D/W: ANDREW NICCOL P: DANNY DeVITO/MICHAEL SHAMBERG/STACEY SHER Very good, quality, suspenseful sci-fi stars Ethan Hawke as a genetic “in-valid” living in a future society where only enhanced, genetic “valids” can excel. While working as a cleaner at the revered space travel centre Gattaca, he impersonates crippled valid Jude Law to become part of the space programme. Constant checks on blood, urine and hair make it a near-impossible task. Uma Thurman co-stars, Alan Arkin investigates a murder and Ernest Borgnine makes a welcome appearance. With Gore Vidal, Blair Underwood, Xander Berkeley, Tony Shalhoub, Elias Koteas and Dean Norris.

GAWAIN AND THE GREEN KNIGHT (sir gawain and the green knight) (1973 UK) D/W: STEPHEN WEEKS W/P: PHILIP BREEN This has an intriguing opening scene. The Green Knight (Nigel Green) appears in the king’s court and asks for a volunteer to cut off his head, only if he be brave enough to accept the same blow in return should he survive. A lowly squire called Gawain (Murray Head) offers his services, is quickly knighted and cuts off the guy’s head. But Green simply puts it back on his shoulders and, before disappearing, warns Gawain that he has 12 months to track him down or fall victim to the return blow. Shame the rest of the story (which turns out to be a coming-of age-drama, of sorts) is so boring. With Robert Hardy, Ronald Lacey, George Merritt, Peter Copley, Geoffrey Bayldon, Ian Richardson, Murray Melvin and a cool bright red suit of armour (I want one). Weeks made I, MONSTER for Amicus.

THE GEEK (1971 US) Here’s a slice of regional (Oregon) semi-porno nonsense. Some guys and gals fuck while searching for Sasquatch. The (man in a cheap suit) monster does turn up to fuck the women. And then they all go home. A shortened version missing the hardcore sex scenes (these don’t include the monster) can be found on the Something Weird GODMONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS dvd release.

GEEK! (backwoods) (1986 US) D: DEAN CROW W: CHARLES JOSEPH P: MAUREEN SWEENEY A hillbilly farmer (who drinks moonshine from flip-lid jars) keeps his demented, backward killer son locked up. He escapes and campers die. The farmer gets a face full of fish hooks at the end. One of the least interesting geek horror movies.

GEKITOTSU! KAKUTOGI SHIKAKUI JUNGLE (1978 JPN) D: SHUJI GOTOH W: HISAO MAKI P: YASUHIKO KAWANO Kazuki Kajiwara (who has his own dojo and appears briefly) and Ken Nakajo wrote a manga based on real-life martial arts contests. Those contests were also filmed and released as this documentary. It’s mostly about Japanese pro wrestling hero Antonio Inoki (who’s an active politician nowadays) and his quest to defeat all types of martial arts in the ring (he even fought Muhammad Ali!). You can also learn about wrestlers like Strong Koboyashi, Thunder Tsugiama, Tatsumi “Dragon” Fujinami, Masa Saito, Rikki Chosu, Umanosuke Ueda, Hiro Matsuda and Animal Hamaguchi. Let’s not forget the masked American karate champion Mister X. Or Masutatsu Ooyama, the godfather of modern karate, who teaches students at Matsuyama castle on the island of Shikoku. See NY karate champ Willy Williams fight a bear! The section on Thai kick-boxing features someone being kicked into a coma! Some viewers may be interested in footage of a young Benny “the jet” Urquidez losing a fight for the first time. Toei released this, and there was a follow up called KAKUTOGI OLYMPIC.

GELATINOUS See: PROJECT V.I.P.E.R.

GEMINI (soseiji) (1999 JPN) D/W: SHINYA TSUKAMOTO Masahiro Motoki stars as a successful upper-class doctor in 1910, and also his evil, scarred twin brother who imitates him, steals his wife (Ryo) and destroys his family. Motoki is excellent in his dual role and Tsukamoto (who also photographed and edited) is on top of his form, sculpting a genuinely unsettling story and conveying it with some impressive, original imagery. With Naoto Takenaka, Tomoroh Taguchi, Masako Motaii, Akaji Maro, Jun Murakami, Renji Ishibashi and Tadanobu Asano. It’s based on an Edgowa Rampo story.

THE GEMINI TWINS See: TWINS OF EVIL

GENERAL STONE (sap saam taai biu lee chuen haau; shi san tai bao li chun xiao) (1976 HK) D: TAO HANG W: CHU YUN-PONG/LI-YEUN FUNG P: CHANG FU-KANG/CHANG CHIEN-FEN In this strange kung fu quickie from Goldig films, star Tan Tao Liang’s dad is a stone statue (!?) who guards the emperor’s tomb. Lung Fei is the villainous king who strong-armed his way into power. He has Liang’s mam kidnapped, so the patriotic young hero trains with dad and other statue “uncles” in an underground chamber. When it’s time to leave, he has to pass several booby traps, including flying fire-breathing skulls on poles! Amidst this weirdness is some passable kung fu choreography. One to look for if you crave obscure, warped fight flicks.

GENERATION X (1995 US) D: JACK SHOLDER W: ERIC BLAKENEY P: DAVID ROESSELL In the future, unregistered mutants with special powers are sent to mutant camp as punishment. The Xavier institute (run by Irish Jeremy Ratchford and busty, sexy Finola Hughes in a platinum blonde wig) offers an educational alternative by churning out superheroes. Unsuccessful Fox tv pilot (from New World) is not-bad teen-appeal sci-fi hokum, but already dated when today’s kids are spoilt by the megabudget X-MEN movies sourced from the same (Marvel) comics masterminded by executive producer Stan Lee. Heather McComb is teen heroine Jubilee, and Matt Frewer is exceptionally irritating as the villain who uses a dream machine for psychic advertising, and seems to be retreading Max Headroom via Jim Carrey as THE MASK. With Fulvio Cecere, fart humour and references to Quentin Tarantino, Freddy Kreuger, Hootie & The Blowfish and Barry White.

GENESHAFT (2001 JPN ANIMATED) D: KAZUKI AKANE W: SHO TOKIMURA/MIA ASAKAWA P: ATSUSHI SUGITA/SHINJIRO YOKOYAMA/HIROYUKI AKIYAMA/IKUO SATO Thirteen-part sci-fi serial set aboard a futuristic spacecraft in a world where the Earth’s genetically modified man/woman ratio is 1:9. A big ring that appears in space (and sometimes appears inside the ship in a smaller shape-shifting version) seems to be the enemy, and can affect time. There’s lots of clichéd talk about logical genetics vs the illogical free soul of man, blah blah. The rock soundtrack lets loose to excite us during space battle scenes, but we mostly just see characters sitting at computer terminals typing furiously. I don’t have a clue what it was all about, really, and there’s no way I’m sitting through it again. The director wrote the original manga on which it was based.

GENESIS II (1973 US) D: JOHN LLEWELLYN MOXEY W/P: GENE RODDENBERRY A guy wakes up from suspended animation in a post-nuke world where people are trying to create a new world from the ashes. There are monsters as well, but this pilot for a series that never happened is pretty dull and uninspired. Ted Cassidy is in it, though, with Mariette Hartley, Titos Vandis, Leon Askin and Majel Barrett. Roddenberry (Star Trek) seemed obsessed with the concept and tried (unsuccessfully) twice again, with PLANET EARTH and STRANGE NEW WORLD (1975).

GENTLEMEN DON’T EAT POETS See: THE GROTESQUE

GENTLEMEN PREFER NATURE GIRLS (1963 US) D/W/P: “MELVIN STANLEY” (DORIS WISHMAN) Mr. Brooks is fired from his office job when his boss finds out that he is a nudist (“scandalous”). Little does he know that his secretary Ms. Bell (a redhead) is secretly Mrs. Brooks, and also a member of the same lodge (Sunny Palms, Homestead, Florida). A mutual business partner turns up at the resort, too, and hatches a plan to get the disapproving boss to stay there. Of course he learns to love being naked under the sun and rehires Mr. Brooks. A happy ending. This simple, laid-back colour movie (that runs just over an hour) has almost the same relaxing vibe as Wishman’s classic NUDE ON THE MOON. As well as the expected volleyball, Sunny Palms members line-up to shoot hoops (!), lounge on seesaws, do archery (with rubber-tipped arrows) and (my favourite) sit around swaying while a naked dude plays the accordion. I love it! Also, note the fact that it rains (a rarity in nudist camp movies, but surely an occasional reality). Unfortunately Wishman’s final three nudist flicks (PLAYGIRLS INTERNATIONAL, BEHIND THE NUDIST CURTAIN and THE PRINCE AND THE NATURE GIRL) remain lost. Her next phase was the stark b/w NYC psychodrama, beginning with BAD GIRLS GO TO HELL.

GEN-X-COPS (1999 HK) D/W/P: BENNY CHAN W: CHITKA KEI/KOAN HUI ON/LEE YA WAN P: JOHN CHONG CHING/SOLON SO CHI HONG Eric Tsang (who has convulsions under stress) recruits three young unlikely cops (Nicholas Tse, Stephen Yang and Sam Lee) to go undercover and bust a Japanese yakuza gang. There’s very little action in this long and boring action flick until near the end (when it’s too late). Jackie Chan (who helped back this) turns up for a last minute cameo. With Daniel Wu, Francis Ng, Terence Yin, Moses Chan Ho, Ken Lo, Bey Logan, Wayne Lai and Alan Mak (INTERNAL AFFAIRS). GENY-COPS (2000) followed.

GEN-X ZOMBIE See: BIO-COPS

THE GESTAPO’S LAST ORGY (caligula reincarnated as hitler; the last orgy of the third reich; l’ultima orgia del III reich) (1976 ITL) D: CESARE CANEVARI W: ANTONIO LUCARELLA A former commandant of a concentration camp for Jewish women returns to the ruins of the place years later, with a former prisoner he ruled over, now his lover (as in 1974’S THE NIGHT PORTER). Between them we get flashbacks showing the disgusting, decadent life of the Nazis and the torture and degradation dished out in abundance. Even by genre standards this is particularly offensive and therefore worth watching for the exploitation movie fan. It’s also alternately interesting, intelligent and dull.

THE GETAWAY (1972 US) D: SAM PECKINPAH W: WALTER HILL P: MITCHELL BROWER/DAVID FOSTER Ali MacGraw makes it so that her husband Steve McQueen is paroled from jail by sleeping with crooked tycoon Ben Johnson. Then they rob a bank with Al Lettieri and Bob Hopkins (who doesn’t last long). Jim Thompson didn’t much care for this adaptation of his novel (see Robert Polito’s excellent Thompson biography Savage Art for more), and it’s true that the whole surreal, descent-into-hell second half is totally rewritten in favour of something more light and audiencefriendly. But one might argue that the original ending was close to unfilmable, and Hill does a good job smoothing it all out, adding a new nightmarish sequence inside a dumptruck (a fine set piece). With Dub Taylor, Slim Pickens, Sally Struthers, Richard Bright and Roy Jenson. McQueen (who never looked cooler than when he’s toting a shotgun) was in Peckinpah’s less exciting JUNIOR BONNER the same year. Remade (pointlessly) in 1993.

THE GETAWAY (1993 US JPN) D: ROGER DONALDSON W: WALTER HILL/AMY JONES P: DAVID FOSTER/ JOHN ALAN SIMON/LAWRENCE TURMAN Ok but fairly pointless remake (of the Peckinpah movie, including its deviations from the original Jim Thompson novel) sticks too close to the original to expand on anything new or interesting. Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger star. James Woods is the slimy gang boss who hires them for a job. With Michael Madsen, Jennifer Tilly, Richard Farnsworth, David Morse, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Bill Moseley.

GET CARTER (1971 UK) D/W: MIKE NICHOLS P: MICHAEL KLINGER/MICHAEL CAINE (uncredited) Michael Caine is a London gangster who goes up-North to his home-town (Newcastle) to punish those responsible for the death of his brother in this classic British crime movie. Caine gets rough in only the way he can as he slowly unravels the truth behind the “accidental” death. Tough, gritty, pitch-black funny and influential. It’s a must-see. Based (quite closely) on Ted Lewis’ novel Jack’s Return Home (to which Nichols made some strong, iconic changes for a fine adaptation, in particular the ending, and passing observations on the collateral damage of righteous killing sprees). Wolfgang Suschitzky’s cinematography makes fine use of great locations. Roy Budd provides the OST (including a great main theme). Future Blockheads (as in Ian Dury and The…) John Turnbull and Mickey Gallagher were involved. With Ian Hendry, John Osborne, Britt Ekland, Tony Beckley (BEWARE MY BRETHREN), Alun Armstrong, Bryan Mosley and Glynn Edwards. The black cast remake was HIT MAN. No one seems to have yet seen fit to adapt other books in Lewis’ Jack Carter series.

GET CARTER (2000 US) D: STEPHEN KAY W: DAVID McKENNA P: MARK and NEIL CANTON/ELIE SAMAHA This stylish remake (the second after the black cast HIT MAN) stars Sylvester Stallone as Vegas casino debt collector Jack Carter. He goes back home to New York after his estranged brother dies (supposedly in a drink-driving accident), suspecting that foul play was involved. The story unfolds in a slightly different reshuffling of the original and even uses some of the same quotable dialogue (and Michael Caine is in the cast). Not bad, but Hollywood trying to emulate low-budget grittiness is never really going to work. With Miranda Richardson, Rachael Leigh Cook, Alan Cumming, John C. McGinley, Rhona Mitra, Mickey Rourke, John Cassini, Mark Boone Jr., Garwin Sanford, Nathaniel DeVeaux, Tyler Labine, Gretchen Mol, Frank Stallone as an extra and the voice of Tom Sizemore.

GET CHRISTIE LOVE! (1974 US) D: WILLIAM A. GRAHAM W: GEORGE KIRGO P: PETER NELSON Cute Teresa Graves stars as Christie Love (“you’re under arrest, sugar”) in this pilot for the popular 70s tv series. Harry Guardino is her boss. Based on Dorothy Uhnak’s novel The Ledger, it’s a none too exciting tale of a gangster’s moll who’s reluctant to testify. The very appealing, likeable Graves is the reason to watch.

GET DOWN AND BOOGIE See: DARKTOWN STRUTTERS

GET FISK See: BLACK FIST

GET READY TO BE BOYZVOICED (2000 NOR) D/W: ESPEN ECKBO/HENRIK ELVESTAD D: MATHIAS FURST P: STEIN-ROGER BULL Very funny and often spot on mockumentary spoof that follows the boy band Boyzvoice (M’Pete, Hot Tub and Roar) on their rise to fame, downfall and return to fame. None of them can sing so they mime on stage to the CDs (recorded with session singers). The videos for their songs (which are in English) are priceless. The only drawback to this hilarious gem is that you’ll be humming We Are The Playmo Men, What’s Happening To My Body and others for days after. Directors Eckbo and Elvestad are, I understand, popular tv comedians in Norway. Eckbo plays M’Pete and several other characters (including their biggest fan, who had me falling off my chair with laughter) and Elvestad is their inept manager. With Linn Skaber, Jon Oigarden, Atle Antonsen, Trond-Viggo Torgersen, Trond Horik, Rene Dif from Aqua and A1.

GET THE COFFIN READY See: VIVA DJANGO

GETTING EVEN See: FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE

GET TO KNOW YOUR RABBIT (1972 US) D: BRIAN De PALMA W: JORDAN CRITTENDEN P: STEVEN BERNHARDT/PAUL GAER Tom Smother is a young executive who gives up his corporate job to become a travelling, tap-dancing magician in one of the last of De Palma’s counterculture comedies. It’s no more than a series of surreal set pieces that someone thought would be cool. Actually, it is pretty funny at times and benefits from a fun cast. John Astin is Smother’s former boss/road manager, Orson Welles offers some advice, Allen Garfield is a bra salesman and M. Emmet Walsh pops up too. With Katharine Ross (THE STEPFORD WIVES), Charles Lane, Anne Randall and King Moody. It’s all very anti-corporate, but De Palma would set forth on the road to Hollywood soon enough with his first fully Hitchcockinspired piece SISTERS.

GETTING ANY? (minna yatteruka??) (1995 JPN) D/W: TAKESHI KITANO P: MASAYUKI MON/ HISAO NABESHIMA/YASUSHI TSUGE/TAKIO YOSHIDA Western audiences unfamiliar with Kitano’s popular Japanese tv comedy may find this a distinct change of pace from the director of VIOLENT COP, BOILING POINT and HANA BI. It also doesn’t help that it isn’t very funny (unusual, as he is usually hilarious). Sexually frustrated Dankan (real name Minoru Iizuka) wants to have “car sex” (as in sex in a car). So he goes to buy a car. The early scenes of the difficulties he encounters while obtaining a car are mildly amusing. The next section of sketches involving his attempt at becoming an actor is probably the funniest part. A ventriloquist and his dummy imitate LONE WOLF AND CUB movies and Dankan tries his hand at being Zatoichi. But then it goes downhill very quickly. He tries to become a yakuza and turns into an invisible man and flyman (a half-man monster, like THE FLY, although it’s a nod to the Japanese sci-fi INVISIBLE MAN VS FLYMAN). G-force (Godzilla force) fill a baseball stadium with shit to attract him and he’s swatted to death. After the end credits roll, he’s become a giant grasshopper (I have no idea…) and impales himself on the Tokyo Tower. It’s not as interesting as I’ve just made it sound, just tiresomely “wacky”. With Kitano regular Susumu Terajima (who I always like to see), Hakuryu, Kanji Tsuda and Taka Gadarukanaru. Kitano’s next was the decent drama, KIDS RETURN.

GET WELL SOON See: VISITING HOURS

THE GHASTLY ONES (blood rites) (1968 US) D/W: ANDY MILLIGAN W: HAL SHERWOOD P: JEROME FREDRIC Staten Island filmmaker Milligan was a bit more ambitious than other low-budget American exploitation directors. He churned out ultra-cheap gory quickies like others, but tried to turn them into period pieces with fairly elaborate (for the price) costumes. It’s a shame that the results are so tedious. Three sisters take their husbands to a mansion on an island (complete with servants) as dictated by their late father’s will. First a rabbit is killed and then the guests are murdered one by one. In Milligan’s favour, his gore is very grisly looking despite its hokiness. Writer Sherwood has a part. Milligan remade this as LEGACY OF BLOOD (1978). The only Milligan flick prior to THE GHASTLY ONES that still exists is the interesting, arty featurette VAPORS (1962) — available as an extra on THE BODY BENEATH (1970) dvd. We may never get to see his interesting-sounding (read Jimmy McDonough’s The Ghastly One for more) early features: THE PROMISCUOUS SEX, THE NAKED WITCH, DEPRAVED!, THE DEGENERATES (all 1967) and KISS ME, KISS ME, KISS ME (1968). His next two films (TRICKS OF THE TRADE and THE FILTHY FIVE, both 68) remain lost, so the next stop on your Milligan retrospective (the pain! the pain!) is SEEDS (1968).

GHETTO BLASTER (1989 US) D: ALAN STEWART W: CLAY McBRIDE P: DAVID DeCOTEAU/JOHN SCHOUWEILER Richard Hatch (from Battlestar Galactica) returns to his old urban neighbourhood to find it’s turned into a gang-ridden dump. He fights back (surprise surprise) after his cantankerous old shopkeeper father (R.G. Armstrong!) is shot. Awful. With Richard Jaeckel and Rose Marie (also in porno).

GHETTO WARRIORS See: THE BLACK GESTAPO

GHIDRAH, THE THREE HEADED MONSTER (san dai kaiju: chikyu saidai no kessen) (1965 JPN) D: IDHIRO HONDA W: SHINNICHI SEKIZAWA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra teamed up to kick King Ghidrah ass in two movies filmed back to back, MONSTER ZERO and this, the far superior of the two. Also along for the fun are the Peanuts/Alienas Emi and Yumi Ito. With Yosuke Natsuki, Yuriko Hoshi, Hiroshi Koizumi, Akiko Wakabayashi, Takashi Shimura, Akihiko Amamoto, Yoshio Kosugi, Yoshifumi Tajima and Shoichi Shinohara in the Ghidrah suit.

THE GHOST (the spectre; lo spettro; lo spettro de dr. hitchcock) (1963 ITL) D/W: “ROBERT HAMPTON” (RICCARDO FREDA) W: “ROBERT DAVIDSON” (ORESTE BIANCOLI) P: LOUIS MANN Atmospheric follow up to THE TERROR OF DR. HICHCOCK rises above its clichéd plot about Barabara Steele and her doctor lover (Peter Baldwin) doing away with her crippled husband only to have him seemingly return from the grave to terrorise them, thanks to some well directed shocks from a director who knows how to do horror. With Umberto Raho.

GHOST ACTRESS See: DON’T LOOK UP

THE GHOST AND MR. CHICKEN (1966 US) D: ALAN RAFKIN W: JAMES FRITZELL/EVERETT GREENBAUM/ ANDY GRIFFITH (uncredited) P: EDWARD J. MONTAGNE Excitable, cowardly typesetter Don Knotts tries for a shot at being a reporter by staying at a supposedly haunted house with a history of murder. Knotts is very likeable in this formulaic, light but enjoyable spooky comedy that I’m sure will have particularly appeal for kids. With Dick Sargent, Charles Lane, George Chandler, Ellen Corby, Phil Arnold, Burt Mustin, Eddie Quillan and Hal Smith.

THE GHOST AND MRS. MUIR (1947 US) D: JOSEPH L. MANKIEWICZ W: PHILIP DUNNE P: FRED KOHLMAR Widow Gene Tierney becomes fiercely independent and moves into a remote, haunted cottage by the sea with her daughter (little Natalie Wood) and loyal housekeeper. She’s befriended by the ghost of a sea captain (Rex Harrison) who helps her write a book in this delightful, classic b/w gothic romance/comedy/drama based on a book by R.A. Dick. With George Saunders, Anna Lee, Robert Coote, Isabel Elsom, Stuart Holmes, Housely Stevenson and David Thursby. The fine score is from Bernard Herrmann. There was a Ghost and Mrs. Muir tv series that debuted in 1968.

GHOSTBUSTERS (1984 US) D/P: IVAN REITMAN W: DAN AYKROYD/HAROLD RAMIS This big-budget ILM-FX hit stars Aykroyd, Ramis and Bill Murray as New York paranormal investigators (soon joined by fourth buster Ernie Hudson). Sigourney Weaver and Rick Moranis are possessed in a surprisingly faithful H.P. Lovecraft-inspired plot. A giant marshmallow man terrorises the city at the end. Reasonably entertaining in the mid-80s, it’s become more watchable with age. The theme tune was a huge hit. A sequel and two cartoon series followed. With William Atherton (the villain), Kimberly Herrin, Joe Franklin, Larry King and porn star Ron Jeremy in a crowd scene. Reitman’s voice is also heard.

GHOSTBUSTERS 2 (1989 US) D/P: IVAN REITMAN W: HAROLD RAMIS/DAN AYKROYD The main leads return in this pretty sappy sequel. A 17th century painting of an evil magician/warlord is brought to life by a river of “negative” slime running below NYC fuelled by people’s aggression. The Statue of Liberty is made to dance around with positive slime to raise people’s spirits. There’s still the odd good ghost or two, though. With Peter MacNicol (in a particularly annoying role), Christopher Neame, Harris Yulin, Philip Baker Hall, Cheech Marin, Brian Doyle Murray, Kurt Fuller, Wilhelm Von Homburg, Aaron Lustig, Bobby Brown, Janet Margolin, Ben Stein, Kevin Dunn and a marquee advertising Reitman’s CANNIBAL GIRLS (1973).

GHOST CAT OF OTAMO POND (kaibyo otamo ga ike) (1960 JPN) D/W: YOSHIHIRO ISHIKAWA W: JIRO FUJISHIMA P: MITSUGU OOKURA A soon-to-be-married couple get lost in the woods near a pond and stumble upon an old house. A featurelength flashback tells the cursed history of the house and pond. It’s a typical tale of family rivalry, murder and revenge. Pretty boring, but I liked the pond full of blood (in rich colour photography) and the laughable human cat monster (a long-haired woman wearing furry gloves!). It also features bad acting and a decapitation by samurai sword. With Seizaburo Date, Noriko Kitazawa, Hiroshi Sugi and Fujie Satsuki. Ghost cat (Kaibyo) films were a brief craze (stemming from Japanese folklore) starting with HORROR OF SAGA MANSION in 1953 (first of a series starring Takako Irie). This one is based on a book by Sotoo Tachibana. The most famous one is KURONEKO (1968). Ishikawa also made BAKENEKO eight years later.

GHOST DELIVERY (kon sang phee) (2003 THAI) D: MOETHAISONG P: PORNPHAN BANNAJIRAKU Even with English subtitles I had a bit of a problem following the intricacies of this silly romantic comedy about a guy who runs an internet ghost download service (why?). He falls in love with a ghost. It wasn’t funny, and the FX are ok for a low-budgeter but not very imaginative. It opens with a RING spoof.

GHOST DOG: THE WAY OF THE SAMURAI (1999 US FRA GER JPN) D/W: JIM JARMUSCH P: RICHARD GUAY Forest Whitaker is a hitman who reads old Japanese literature and samurai philosophy. The mob are after him because he doesn’t kill someone he was supposed to. Typically quirky Jarmusch movie with the expected acquired taste in humour. Perhaps a little too expected: Jarmusch’s style is beginning to grate. But it has its moments and he has his fans. With Henry Silva (who’s very good), Richard Portnow, Vic Argo, John Tormey, Cliff Gordon, Vinny Vella, Camille Winbush, Gary Farmer and the voice of Harry Shearer.

THE GHOST GALLEON See: HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES

GHOSTHOUSE (la casa 3) (1987 ITL) D/W: “HUMPHREY HUMBERT” (UMBERTO LENZI) W: CINTHIA McGAVIN P: ARISTIDE MASSACESSI A radio nut and his girlfriend hear screams and a cry for help on a strange frequency and track it to a house in Mas-sachusetts where murders were committed 20 years ago. They meet other teens hanging out in the house and they’re soon being killed off. It has something to do with a psychic little girl and her creepy clown doll. It’s not good, too long (although it’s only just over 90 mins) and the gore scenes aren’t gory enough to pay off, either. With Donald O’Brien, a head in a washing machine and the expected downbeat surprise ending Italians seem to be so fond of. EVIL DEAD 1 and 2 were retitled LA CASA 1 and 2 in Italy. This is LA CASA 3. LA CASA 4 became WITCHERY (or GHOSTHOUSE 2 in the UK) and LA CASA 5 is BEYOND DARKNESS (1990). Got it? [Illus.]

GHOSTHOUSE 2 See: WITCHERY

GHOST IN KYOTO See: THE HOUSE WHERE EVIL DWELLS

GHOST IN THE MACHINE (deadly terror) (1993 US) D: RACHEL TALALAY W: WILLIAM DAVIES/WILLIAM OSBORNE P: PAUL SCHIFF When a serial killer, who picks victims from address books, winds up in a car crash he’s given a brain scan at hospital and a power surge results in his soul entering the computer mainframe. Using computers, telephones and household appliances he terrorises single mother Karen Allen and kills her friends. Ridiculous sci-fi horror gets away with it by not taking itself too seriously (while straight-faced) and piling up the false scares to a level of self parody. The deaths scenes are pretty entertaining, especially the hand dryer that becomes a flame thrower. Chris Mulkey co-stars as a computer hacker hero, with Rick Ducommun, Richard Schiff, Chris Ellis, Alix Koromzay and Don Opper. Watchable nonsense. Talalay also directed FREDDY’S DEAD.

GHOST IN THE SHELL (kokaku kidootai) (1995 JPN UK ANIMATED) D: MAMORU OSHII W: KAZUNORI ITO P: YOSHIMASU MIZUO/KEN MATSUMOTO/ KEN IYADOMI/MITSUHISA ISHIKAWA Probably the most internationally recognised and respected anime feature after AKIRA is very different from that classic. In the future, “enhanced” humans are replacing their organs with more efficient artificial ones, have mind upgrades and need regular maintenance. Someone is hacking into people and making them do things against their will. The main character is a female cyborg cop on the case, and this fascinating, intelligent and great-looking movie goes into new areas of sci-fi. Only the weak ending lets it down. It’s based on Masamune Shirou’s manga and was ahead of its time in incorporating computer techniques with cell animation. Kenji Kawai’s soundtrack is amazing. In 2002, a ghost in the shell: stand alone complex tv anime series debuted.

GHOST IN THE SHELL 2: INNOCENCE (2004 JPN ANIMATED) D/W: MAMORU OSHII P: MITSUHISA ISHIKAWA/TOSHIO SUZUKI This visually stunning sequel (to both the original movie and specifically the subsequent tv series) continues to break new ground. The plot may take you more than one sitting to fully grasp, but the endless spectacle of incredible, beautiful comic art-in-motion moments (aided by another fabulous Kenji Kawai score) will leave you speechless. A modern classic that I plan to watch again and again. Naoto Takenaka provides a voice. A second series was called GHOST IN THE SHELL: STAND ALONE COMPLEX: SECOND GIG

GHOSTKEEPER (1980 CAN) D/W: JAMES MAKICHUK W: DOUGLAS MACLEOD P: HAROLD J. COLE Three youngsters find themselves stranded in an abandoned ski lodge on New Year’s Eve. A creepy old woman lurks. The opening blurb mentions the legendary flesh-eating Wendigo monster, but nothing so explicit is shown in this low-key and extremely atmospheric gem, that benefits from its enigmatic nature. Not for everyone, but genuinely creepy and unsettling. Shot in Alberta.

GHOST KILLER See: SODOMA’S GHOST

GHOST MEETS YOU (2000 HK) D: CHIANG KWOKKUEN W: BENNY TAM WAI-SHING P: WOO KA CHI A police informer on the run from debt collectors tries to help the ghost of a decapitated woman reunite her head with her body, and take revenge against her murderer, a gold-digging confidence trickster who uses black magic (Anthony Wong, hiring his talents out to shit again). Carrie Ng is a cop on the murder case (who unwittingly uses the severed head as a bowling ball) and Helena Law is a fortune-teller who also uses magic (a mystical duel between her and Wong utilises the cheapest visual FX imaginable). Complete rubbish, but I did find a ritual to retrieve a severed head from the sea (using watermelons) of interest. With Jameson Lam.

GHOST MONSTER CAT MANSION See: THE MANSION OF THE GHOST CAT

GHOST NURSING (yeung gwai; yang gui) (1982 HK) D: WILSON TONG P: BILLY CHAN A woman is vacationing in Thailand after her boyfriend is killed by gangsters. After some more trouble with the mob, a witch doctor informs her that she’s having a case of bad karma from a previous life. To sort it out she must look after a ghost (a pickled foteus in a jar) by giving it a drop of blood once a month. However, the thing gets jealous when she falls in love with Norman Chu, and when she forgets its blood one day, it’s the final straw. This peculiar horror movie from kung fu veteran Tong (SNAKE DEADLY ACT) has nice moments, but they’re all too rare and there’s a snail’s pace to the proceedings. The ending’s good, though. With Melvin Wong and Chin Yuet Sang. Apparently based on a true story.

GHOST OCEAN See: THE DEVIL’S TATTOO

GHOST OF AN ACTRESS See: DON’T LOOK UP

GHOST OF CHIBUSA ENOKI See: THE MOTHER TREE

GHOST OF DRAGSTRIP HOLLOW (1959 US) D: WILLIAM J. HOLE JR. W/P: LOU RUSOFF P: SAMUEL Z. ARKOFF I’m usually a sucker for any teen-appeal AIP release, but this nonsense rubbed me the wrong way. I guess you could call it a spooky b/w hot rod comedy musical (sounds much more fun than it actually is). A hot rod gang runs out of money so can’t keep their place any more. Events lead to a party at their new digs, a “haunted” old mansion. Highlights are Nick Venet and his twangy guitar band playing Geronimo (complete with loud gunfire) and backing a trio of female vocalists who sing My Guy, and Paul Blaisdell in his SHE CREATURE monster suit. On the other hand, that comic relief parrot is the pits. With Russ Bender and Jack Ging.

THE GHOST OF FRANKENSTEIN (1942 US) D: ERLE C. KENTON W: W. SCOTT DARLING/ERIC TAYLOR P: GEORGE WAGGNER Sillier, less classy follow up to SON OF FRANKENSTEIN has the monster (Lon Chaney Jr.) alive and well buried in sulphur. Igor (Bela Lugosi) revives it, and it must stand trial in town. Cedric Hardwicke is another Frankenstein heir who’s commanded by his father’s ghost to put a good brain in the beast, but Igor tricks him by getting assistant Lionel Atwill to put his brain there, instead. With Evelyn Ankers, Doris Lloyd, Ralph Bellamy, Dwight Frye, Leyland Hodgson, Holmes Herbert, Olaf Hytten, Richard Alexander, Lionel Belmore, Harry Cording, George Eldredge, Lawrence Grant, Otto Hoffman, Brandon Hurst, Michael Mark, Harry Tenbrook and little William Smith in one of his first films, apparently (IMDb could have their William Smiths mixed-up though). There were 8mm segments available for purchase: THE TRIAL OF FRANKENSTEIN and FRANKENSTEIN’S NEW BRAIN. The series cross-pollinated and continued with FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN.

GHOST OF THE HUNCHBACK (house of terrors; kaidan semushi otoko) (1965 JPN) D: HAJIME SATO W: HAJIME TAKAIWA P: HIROSHI OKAWA This is most easily available to see in an Italian-dubbed print (“Il Pozzo Di Satana”) with fake Anglicised credits. The story has something to do with the new owners of a big old spooky mansion arriving with a few friends. An extreme hunchback caretaker is a good example of how haunted house clichés are deliberately overdone in a great looking b/w spooker that could do with English subtitles. The director made GOKE.

GHOST PATROL (1936 US) D: SAM NEWFIELD W: JOSEPH O’DONNELL/WYNDHAM GITTENS P: SIGMUND NEWFELD/LESLIE SIMMONDS Mail planes carrying money keep suffering engine trouble and crash in the same part of the desert. There’s never any fire near the wreckage, so villains (led by Walter Miller) collect the cash. They cause the accidents with an “uranium ray” which they force scientist Lloyd Ingraham to use. Tim McCoy is the hero who figures out where their ghost town hideout is. Called a “sci-fi western” by many, this isn’t really as offbeat or as cool as it sounds. But it is a snappy, fast-paced little Bwestern for fans of its type. With Wheeler Oakman, James P. Burtis, Dick Curtis, Art Dillard, Frank Ellis, Artie Ortego and Slim Whitaker. Less than an hour long, it was remade as both SKY RACKET (1937) and SKY BANDITS (1940).

GHOST PRISON See: DARK REMAINS

GHOST PUB See: GHOST IN THE TAVERN

GHOST PUNTING (ng fook sing chong gwai; wu fu xing chuang gui) (1992 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG/ COREY YUEN KWAI/CHANG CHI WAI/ERIC TSANG W: BARRY WONG P: TEDDY YIP The sixth LUCKY STARS film is an improvement over the previous entry (RETURN OF THE LUCKY STARS) and sees the return of Sammo Hung, who dishes out some welcome kung fu to back-up the mostly infantile comic shenanigans as the usual lecherous suspects discover a friendly ghost that helps them cheat at gambling. Reasonably entertaining. With Eric Tsang, Nat Chan Pak Cheung, Stanley Fung, Richard Ng and Charlie Chin Chiang Lin. The last in the series was HOW TO MEET THE LUCKY STARS.

GHOST RIDERS See: GHOST TOWN (2009)

GHOST RIG See: THE DEVIL’S TATTOO

GHOST SCREAM See: THE CANTERVILLE GHOST (1996)

THE GHOST SHIP (1943 US) D: MARK ROBSON W: DONALD HENDERSON CLARKE/LEO MITTLER P: VAL LEWTON This, the most rare and difficult to see of Lewton’s chillers (something to do with copyright problems) is an effective mood-piece whodunnit (in b/w). The crew of a small ship en route to Mexico are slowly being picked-off one by one. Richard Dix is the captain. With Skelton Knaggs, Lawrence Tierney, Robert Bice, Eddie Borden, Alec Craig, Boyd Davis, George De Normand, Steve Forrest, Mike Lally, (famous calypso performer) Sir Lancelot, Nolan Leary, Paul Marion, Dewey Robinson, Herb Vigran and Bob Stevenson.

GHOST SHIP (2002 US AUSL) D: STEVE BECK W: MARK HANLON/JOHN POGUE P: GILBERT ADLER/ JOEL SILVER/ROBERT ZEMECKIS Gabriel Byrne heads a salvage crew who find a big old ocean liner that’s been lost at sea for 40 years. They also find gold and violent death on-board. The only memorable part of this FX-laden horror, from the director of TH13TEEN GHOSTS, is the opening scene in which a deckload of passengers are sliced in half by a wire. With Julianna Margulies, Ron Eldard, Desmond Harrington, Isaiah Washington, Karl Urban and Emily Browning.

GHOST SHIPS OF THE BLIND DEAD See: HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES

GHOSTS IN THE NIGHT See: GHOSTS ON THE LOOSE (1943)

THE GHOSTS OF KAGAMI POND (ghost story: depth of kagami; kaidan kagami ga fuchi) (1959 JPN) D: MASAKI MOURI W: KOUZO HAYAMA Another version of the novel Shinkei Kasane Ga Fuchi (see THE GHOSTS OF KASANE SWAMP, below). A familiar-seeming story involving a crooked businessman and his mistress’ scheming, that results in broken relationships, death and vengeful swamp ghosts. There were dozens of moody b/w ghostly programmers made around the same period, and while this is ok, it doesn’t offer much that’s different. For completists only.

THE GHOSTS OF KASANE SWAMP (the depths; kaidan kasane ga fuchi) (1957 JPN) D: NOBUO NAKAGAWA W: YASUNORI KAWAUCHI P: MITSUGU OKURA This was the fourth filmed version of a 19th century novel by Enchi Sanyuutei called Shinkei Kasane Ga Fuchi. THE PASSION OF A WOMAN TEACHER was in 1926, another version followed in 1937, and there was DANCING MISTRESS and this in 57. The ghost story involves a complicated love triangle and the sins of parents. I expected a lot from this b/w rarity because I was so impressed by director Nakagawa’s later JIGOKU and GHOST STORY OF YOTSUYA, but even at just over an hour it’s pretty slow-going. There’s some nice atmosphere, and the first scare scene is pretty creepy. Teturo Tamba has an important villainous role. There was also THE GHOSTS OF KAGAMI POND (see review), and two more versions followed in 1960 and 1970.

GHOSTS OF MARS (2001 US) D/W: JOHN CARPENTER W: LARRY SULKIS P: SANDY KING Space soldiers on Mars led by Natasha Henstridge are to transport a dangerous criminal (Ice Cube) from a mining town. But trouble arises when the locals are discovered to have been possessed by “ghosts” that can travel on the wind. After severely mutilating and piercing themselves, these ghosts proceed to kill with spinning discs that decapitate (as in DARK ANGEL) and put the heads on poles. A cross-country express train is the only means of escape. Despite lots of decent FX, a sizable budget and the potential for an all-out sci-fi action classic, Carpenter has just churned out another of his low-key, retro-macho, tongue-in-cheek action adventures. It’s an enjoyable one, but don’t expect anything more. With Pam Grier, Jason Statham, Robert Carradine, Clea DuVall, Joanna Cassidy, Rex Linn, Peter Jason, Rodney A. Grant, Lobo Sebastian and Liam Waite (who had a child with Henstridge in real-life).

THE GHOSTS OF SODOM See: SODOMA’S GHOST

THE GHOSTS OF YOTSUYA (tokaido yotsuya kaidan) (1956 JPN) D: MASAKI MORI W: HIDEO GUNI/TORAO TANABE P: MITSUGU OOKURA The oft-told supernatural tale of vengeance commonly known as “Tokaido Yotsuya Kaidan” was probably first performed by storytellers in the 17th century (when the real Lady Oiwa was said to have lived). It deals with the jilted Oiwa at the hands of her mean, out-of-work samurai lover Iemon, her murder (and that of her child) and the curse that seemed to plague the wrongdoers. In 1825, a highly influential Kabuki play written by Tsuruya Namboku IV crystalised the tale, and the cinema has been very kind to it. About 20 versions (including a 1949 two-parter) were produced in the first half of the 20th century. This is the earliest version I’ve seen (probably the most accessible of the early versions), and makes no bones about the supernatural elements, otherwise vague, psychological and generally downplayed. Tomisaburo Wakayama (in Kabuki-like makeup) is lemon, the destitute samurai courting the daughter of a wealthy family, but refusing to marry into wealth out of obligation to his common-law wife Oiwa (Chieko Souma) and child (not that he treats them too well). His scheming mother (along with others, including a blackmailer who knows something else about Iemon) plot to poison, disfigure and kill Oiwa (not the only one who ends up dead). Iemon becomes more and more complicit, until Oiwa’s corpse ends up nailed to a wooden door and thrown into the swamp. The subsequent haunting scenes are nicely grotesque set pieces, captured by Hiroshi Suzuki’s b/w photography. I also like the music. Not a bad little programmer from Ookura, who seems to have been a prolific Corman-like skinflint producer for Shin-Toho films. With Haruo Tanaka, Shigeru Ogura, Unpei Yokoyama, Ko Gohashi and Kikuko Hanaoka. Wakayama played Iemon again in the colour 1961 version, KAIDAN OIWA NO BOREI. The definitive version (there were many more, and they’re still making them) is probably 1959’s GHOST STORY OF YOTSUYA directed by Nobuo Nakagawa (also backed by Ookura for Shin-Toho).

GHOSTS ON PARADE See: BIG MONSTER WAR

GHOSTS ON THE LOOSE (1941) See: SPOOKS RUN WILD

GHOSTS ON THE LOOSE (ghosts in the night; the east side kids meet bela lugosi) (1943 US) D: WILLIAM BEAUDINE W: KENNETH HIGGINS P: SAM KATZMAN/JACK DIETZ Huntz Hall, Leo Gorcey, Bobby Jordan and Sunshine Sammy (Ernest) Morrison are the East Side Kids who want to help decorate a newlywed couple’s “haunted” house. It turns out to be Nazi spies Bela Lugosi, Minerva Urecal and Frank Moran. If you have to watch a b/w Monogram Bela and East Side Kids flick, SPOOKS RUN WILD is better. With Ava Gardner, Billy Benedict, Rick Vallin, Stanley Clements, Wheeler Oakman, Jack Mulhall, busy director Robert F. Hall and Blanche Payson.

GHOST STORY (1981 US) D: JOHN IRVIN W: LAWRENCE D. COHEN P: BURT WEISSBOURD Terrible horror movie about a bunch of old men (Fred Astaire, Melvyn Douglas, Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and John Houseman) in a small town and their terrible secret that comes back to haunt them after all these years. Alice Krige is a vengeful ghost that seduces Fairbanks’ son Craig Wasson. Screenwriter Cohen (CARRIE) adapted Peter Straub’s novel.

GHOST STORY: DEPTH OF KAGAMI See: THE GHOSTS OF KAGAMI POND

GHOST STORY OF THE BREAST ELM See: THE MOTHER TREE

GHOST STORY OF YOTSUYA (tokaido yotsuya kaidan) (1959 JPN) D: NOBUO NAKAGAWA W: MASAYOSHI OONUKI/YOSHIHIRO ISHIKAWA P: MITSUGU OOKURA Generally considered the best screen version of the famous period tale involving betrayal and supernatural revenge. Shigeru Amachi and Noriko Kitazawa star. Filled with creepy moments, great hallucination scenes and cloaked in a lurid atmosphere brought to life by Tadashi Nishimoto’s rich colour photography, this is a mustsee for horror fans worldwide. With Junko Ikeuchi, Shuntaro Emi, Haruhiko Nakagawa, Kikuko Hanaoka, Hiroshi Hayashi and Shin Shibata. Kenji Misumi (of LONE WOLF AND CUB fame) had another version of the story released the same year. Nakagawa made the incredible JIGOKU the following year.

GHOST STORY OF YOTSUYA: CHUSINGURA VERSION See: CREST OF BETRAYAL

GHOST SYSTEM (2002 JPN) D/W: TOSHIKAZU NAGAE P: HASASHI SEKINE After a schoolgirl goes missing, her boyfriend and her best friend go looking for her after receiving a mysterious photo mail of woodlands on their cell phones. Something follows them EVIL DEAD-style in the woods, and they’re watched by surveillance cameras in an abandoned old complex. A mysterious woman turns up to talk about a “ghost system”. Literally fuck all happens for 70 shot-on-DV mins, and you’ll notice that the much talked about system is just a big fan in a small room. The bad actors spend ages reading lines, trying to lend some weight to the pathetic pseudointellectual babble. Excruciatingly terrible.

GHOST TOWN (ghost riders) (2009 US) D: TODOR “TOSHKO” CHAPKANOV W: ANDY BRIGGS P: JEFFERY BEACH/PHILLIP J. ROTH A mix of teen jocks, members of the school debating society (!) and their teachers find themselves stranded at an old western town haunted by skull-faced Satanist cowboy ghosts (led by Billy Drago). Gil Gerard is a spectral preacher. Deaths include burial alive and being torn apart by horses (all very tame, cheap CGI). Jessica Rose and Randy Wayne are the young heroes. Shot on the same sets (in Bulgaria) as COPPERHEAD (also by Chapkanov, also with Drago, and a lot more fun than this bore). From Syfy.

GHOST WARRIOR See: SWORDKILL

GHOSTWATCH (1992 UK) D: LESLEY MANNING W: STEPHEN VOLK The BBC were at their most playful when they aired this almost spot on fake documentary-reality tv event at prime-time on Halloween. Michael Parkinson and Mike Smith interview a parapsychologist and take phone calls in the studio while Sarah Greene and her camera crew spend the night with a family in their haunted suburban home. Increasingly spooky things happen and callers claim to be able to see a figure in the background, provide background history to the house and report strange phenomenon, supposedly caused by the broadcast. It degenerates into silliness before the end and more astute viewers would have figured it out before giveaway credits roll at the end (Volk wrote GOTHIC and THE GUARDIAN), but the mock light-entertainment framework is impressively emulated even if you are in on the joke. Craig Charles is particularly convincing. Look for the subliminal shots, too! I remember kids in school talking endlessly about how spooky stuff was supposed to have happened in their house while watching this on its original release. The tabloids tried to connect it with a suicide, among other things. It’s now on dvd.

GHOST WORLD (2001 US UK GER) D/W: TERRY ZWIGOFF W: DANIEL CLOWES P: JOHN MALKOVICH/ RUSSELL SMITH/LIANNE HALFON High school graduate Thora Birch suffers an identity crisis while trying to cope with life after education and an arty summer school film course. Scarlett Johansson is her best friend from whom she’s drifting away. She befriends Steve Buscemi, a lonely, obsessive hermit who collects old records. Excellent, insightful adaption of Clowes’ comic book is filled with fine performances and great music. With Brad Renfro, Illeana Douglas, Bob Balaban, Teri Garr, Stacey Travis, Brian George, David Cross, Joel Michaely and Bruce Glover. I liked the part about a major food chain’s racist roots and the amazing musical scene from the Indian movie GUMNAAM (1965). Zwigoff had previously made the documentary CRUMB.

THE GHOUL (1933 UK) D: T. HAYES HUNTER W: RONALD PERTWEE/JOHN HASTINGS TURNER/LEONARD HINES P: MICHAEL BALCON Having left the UK in 1909, Boris Karloff returned for this, his first British production, an adaption of Frank King’s play. He plays an egyptologist who dies with a precious jewel, and promises to rise from the grave if it’s stolen. It is, and, of course, he does, during the traditional reading of the will ceremony. Considered important for being one of the first major horror productions to inject a little comedy into the proceedings, it’s no OLD DARK HOUSE but is an extremely good, superior chiller with effective horror atmosphere and likeable leads to carry it between Karloff’s undead stalking scenes. With Cedric Hardwicke, Ernest Thesiger, Ralph Richardson, Anthony Bushell, Kathleen Harrison, D.A. Clarke-Smith and Jack Raine. A surprisingly good and more overtly comic remake is WHAT A CARVE UP.

THE GHOUL (night of the ghoul) (1975 UK) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W: “JOHN ELDER” (ANTHONY HINDS) P: KEVIN FRANCIS Some 1920s drunk toffs in England take a break from the Charleston for a motorcar race to Land’s End, take a detour onto Peter Cushing’s fog-shrouded marshland estate and break down. Alexandra Bastedo (from tv’s The Champions) accepts lapsed parson Cushing’s hospitality, even if his “Indian” housekeeper (Gwen Watford in blackface) is a bit frosty towards her. Mostly absent hero Ian McCulloch eventually discovers Cushing’s Kali-worshipping cannibal son in a loincloth at the end. I don’t mind spoiling this worthwhile Tyburn release, as it’s more about the well-paced, simple story unfolding than shocks. Finding it boring when I first saw it as a kid, I now rather appreciate its crafted ways. And Cushing is excellent as always. Also good is a young John Hurt as the creepy gardener. With Veronica Carlson. I watched a 90 mins version, but some prints are almost 10 mins shorter. Francis made LEGEND OF THE WEREWOLF for Tyburn the same year.

GHOUL (1992) See: DANGEROUS SEDUCTRESS

GHOULIES (1984 US) D/W: LUCA BERCOVICI W/P: JEFFERY LEVY A young couple inherit a mansion. He uses his Satanist dad’s old spells to conjure up some green midget monsters (occasionally puppets) that terrorise the couple and their friends (including an ultra-annoying stoner played by Scott Thompson). Infantile attempt at a horror franchise (that, worryingly, worked for a while) is pretty forgettable. With Jack Nance, Bobbie Bresee and Mariska Hargitay. Filmed in Venice for the dreaded Empire. See, you don’t really miss the 80s.

GHOULIES 2 (1988 US) D/P: “ALBERT BAND” (ALBERT ANTONIONI) W: CHARLIE DOLAN/DENNIS PAOLI Those mischievous ghoulies take over a travelling carnival spook show tent in this painfully bad and unfunny sequel filmed in Rome. With Royal Dano, Phil Fondacaro, Romano Puppo, Mickey Knox and Anthony Dawson. Charles Band was executive producer.

GHOULIES 3: GHOULIES GO TO COLLEGE (1991 US) D: JOHN CARL BUECHLER W: BRENT OLSON P: IAIN PATERSON This entry’s directed by an FX guy and sucks just as bad as the first two. Kevin McCarthy is a college professor who resurrects the ghoulies (who can talk and spout bad wisecracks now) by reciting from a comic book. A college frat war involving pranks is the “hilarious” setting. Look for Jason Scott Lee (DRAGON: THE BRUCE LEE STORY) and (in his feature debut) Matthew Lyn Lillard.

GHOULIES 4 (1993 US) D: JIM WYNORSKI W: MARK SEVI P: GARY SCHMOELLER This one has a character (and footage) from the original, who is now a cop. But other than that, none of the original title monsters are in it. Only a couple of dwarves (one is Arturo Gil) in monster makeup. They provide (alleged) comic relief as a female Satanist in leather seduces men to sacrifice to a hooded “demon” (that’s a man wearing a hood standing in a pentagram). She used to go out with the cop, and the cop and the demon are the same guy or something in the pitiful excuse for a plot. Being a Wynorski film it’s loaded with comic dialogue and film references (including someone acting like Ed Norton on The Honeymooners), so is marginally more enjoyable than previous entries. That said, I’m awful pleased that no other sequels developed. With Andrew Craig.

GHOUL IN A GIRL’S DORMITORY See: WEREWOLF IN A GIRL’S DORMITORY

THE GHOUL IN SCHOOL See: WEREWOLF IN A GIRL’S DORMITORY

GHOULS (2008 US ROM) D: GARY JONES W: JASON BOURQUE/RAUL INGLIS/BRIAN D. YOUNG W/P: KENNETH M. BADISH P: ANDRE FINKENWIRTH/MARK MORAN In this thoroughly shitty Nu Image/Sci-Fi Channel production, William Atherton takes his teenage daughter (Kristen Renton) to his childhood Romanian village (which has no cars, only horse and cart!) for her grandmother’s funeral. But it turns out “the ancients” want to use her as a vessel to bring Hell down on Earth, or some shit. James DeBello is the descendant of Druids who tries to help her by throwing grenades (!) about. There’s some last-minute gore and lots of poor CGI. Skip it.

GIALLO A VENEZIA (mystery in venice; thrilling in venice) (1979 ITL) D: MARIO LANDI W: ALDO SERI P: GABRIELE CRISANTI This unusual and very seedylooking murder mystery lensed in Venice is notorious for its sleazy violence (a woman is stabbed repeatedly in the crotch, and another’s leg is sawn off before being left in the fridge), but is also very good for its type with an engrossing story (and I don’t usually care much for whodunnits) and satisfying exploitation ingredients. With Mariangela Giordano.

THE GIANT BEAST GAPPA See: MONSTER FROM A PREHISTORIC PLANET

THE GIANT CLAW (1957 US) D: FRED F. SEARS W: PAUL GANGELIN/SAMUEL NEWMAN P: SAM KATZMAN This b/w Katzman production (from the same year as his ZOMBIES OF MORA TAU and THE MAN WHO TURNED TO STONE) is famous for its inept monster and is regarded as a laugh riot. To be fair, while the winged terror is a pretty pathetic puppet creation, this is at least a competently made programmer no worse than dozens of others from the same mould. Jeff Morrow (from the classic THIS ISLAND EARTH) stars, with love interest Maria Corday (TARANTULA), Morris Ankrum, Edgar Barrier and Robert Shayne.

GIANT CLAWS See: ISLAND CLAWS

THE GIANT GILA MONSTER (1959 US) D/W: RAY KELLOGG W: JAY SIMMS P: KEN CURTIS This is one of those minimal 50s monster movies that you know is no good, but for some reason you can’t find it in your heart to completely dismiss. The monster of the title (a lizard crawling over miniatures) terrorises a small desert community. Fred Graham is the sheriff, and some sentimentality is provided by a crippled little girl with new leg braces. The hero mechanic plays the ukelele and drives a hot rod. Put it down to undefinable charm.

THE GIANT MAJIN See: DAIMAJIN

THE GIANT MANTIS See: THE DEADLY MANTIS

GIANT OF MARATHON (la battaglia di maratona; la bataille de marathon) (1959 ITL FRA) D: JACQUES TOURNEUR/MARIO BAVA (uncredited) W: ENNIO DE CONCINI/AUGUSTA FRASSIMETTI/ALBERTO BARSANTI/RAFFELO PACINI W/P: BRUNO VAILATI Steve Reeves is Philippides, a somewhat short-tempered and unlikeable lovesick musclehead in Athens, who must defend the land from the Persian hordes in this good-looking (Bava was the cinematographer) but talky and not exactly action-packed epic wannabe. That said, it does feature some excellent underwater battle scenes near the end (I wonder if the uncredited Bava, who finished the film, shot them?). With Mylene Demonget, Sergio Fantomi, Philippe Hersent, Daniele Vargas, Ivo Garrani, Franco Fantasia, Carlo Lombardi and Ignazio Balsamo. Bava made his debut proper with THE MASK OF SATAN the following year. Tourneur went on to a 1960 western obscurity called AFTERMATH, before making his last two at AIP (THE COMEDY OF TERRORS and 1965’s THE CITY UNDER THE SEA).

THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION (1975 US) D/P: BILL REBANE W: ROBERT EASTON W/P: RICHARD L. HUFF Phenomena involving black holes results in a meteorite crashing in Wisconsin. Hard eggs are discovered among the debris, one half containing a valuable diamond and the other a tarantula. As well as these regular-sized spiders, there’s one giant arachnid that terrorises the town. Rebane’s most famous movie is not as laughable as some will have you believe, but not that great either. What it does have is an undefinable charm that makes you a bit more fond of it than maybe you should be. With Steve Brodie, Barbara Hale, Alan Hale Jr., Bill Williams and writer Easton.

G.I. BRO See: THE INGLORIOUS BASTARDS

THE GIFT (2000 US) D: SAM RAIMI W: BILLY BOB THORNTON/TOM EPPERSON P: JAMES JACKS/TOM ROSENBERG/GARY LUCCHESI Cate Blanchett is excellent as a single parent psychic in a small Southern town in this excellent psychological horror, a welcome return to form for Raimi fans puzzled by his Kevin Costner baseball movie (!?!) FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME (1999). Keanu Reeves is the crazy redneck wife-abuser suspected of murder, and Giovanni Ribisi has an important role as a seemingly backwards mechanic. With Katie Holmes, Hilary Swank, Kim Dickens, Gary Cole, Greg Kinnear, Michael Jeter, Rosemary Harris, J.K. Simmons and Danny Elfman. Writer Thornton had been in Raimi’s A SIMPLE PLAN.

GIGANTIS THE FIRE MONSTER See: GODZILLA COUNTERATTACKS

GIGOLO COP: ROPPONGI, AKASAKA BISHONEN CLUB (1990 JPN) D: TAKEMITSU SATO W: FUMIYAKI WATANABE/MASAKI HIRO/AKIRA TAKAMOTO P: TOSHIMITSU YOSHIDA/TAKESHI SUGAWARA Tomomi Nishimura searches for her missing sister in Tokyo’s foreigner-filled Roppongi area. She doesn’t know that she’s being held captive by yakuza who auction-off girls as “sex dolls” to lecherous politicians and rich men from around the world. Occasionally their SM games go too far and they end up dead. Rikia Yasuoka (a big, gruff — and now dead, he passed in 2012 — actor who usually played tough guys) is a cop wondering why his superiors are covering up the murders as accidents. The title refers to a gay club where detective Tatsua Umemiya is working undercover. If this direct-to-video thriller with comic relief sounds interesting, you’d be wrong. There’s some action and copious blood squibs at the end, when it’s too late. With Gajiro Sato, Masao Komatsu and Koji Naka.

THE GILL WOMEN See: VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF PREHISTORIC WOMEN

THE GILL WOMEN OF VENUS See: VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF PREHISTORIC WOMEN

GIMME AN “F” (t & a academy 2) (1981 US) D: PAUL JUSTMAN W: JIM HART P: ARNOLD KAPELSON Extremely bad movie about a cheerleading competition has no nudity (despite that aka). Girls spy on a guy dancing in the shower as opposed to vice versa. John Karlen is the bad guy desperate to make a deal with Japanese businessmen (including Clyde Kusatsu) for a pom-pom factory (!) in Taiwan. The director made several music videos, and screenwriter Hart later wrote movies for Steven Spielberg (including 1991’s HOOK) and Francis Ford Coppola (BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA).

GIMME SHELTER (1970 US) D: DAVID MAYSLES/ ALBERT MAYSLES/CHARLOTTE ZWERIN P: RONALD SCHNEIDER Here’s an exceptional rock concert documentary that’s scarier than most horror movies. Everyone knows the story of the disastrous free Rolling Stones concert at Altamont Speedway where Hell’s Angels were hired to do the security. This 16mm document charts the overcrowded, badly organised event from the opening sound checks through the increasingly violent and weird day (you can see the Angels beating on the audience with snooker cues) to the chilling ending where the stabbing of gunwielding Meredith Hunter is glimpsed. The Stones are seen watching the footage in the cutting room. As Jerry Garcia says, “Bummer”. George Lucas and Haskell Wexler were two of the many cameramen, and the other acts are Jefferson Airplane, The Flying Burrito Brothers, The Grateful Dead and Santana.

THE GINGERDEAD MAN (2003 US) D/P: CHARLES BAND W: “SILVIA ST. CROIX” (WILLIAM BUTLER)/”AUGUST WHITE” (DOMINIC MUIR) An executed killer (Gary Busey) has his ashes mailed out in gingerbread biscuit mix. When blood drips onto it, a very silly, wisecracking killer gingerbread puppet (with Busey’s voice) is born. This potential bad movie classic is in fact just a bore, revolving around teen characters in a dull bakery. It’s also basically a one-hour movie with 10 mins (!) of very slow moving credits tagged on (an old Band trick). With Larry Cedar.

GINGER SNAPS (2000 CAN US) D/W: JOHN FAWCETT W: KAREN WALTON P: STEVE HOBAN/KAREN LEE HALL Emily Perkins and Katherine Isabelle are outcast teen schoolgirls who take morbid fake suicide photographs for their class project. A big werewolf attacks one of them and she becomes an insatiable, outgoing popular “date” who starts growing hair, a tail and kills first dogs and then humans. Her sister hides bodies and tries to cure her with the help of the school drug-dealer (Kris Lemche). This is a better than average teen horror movie (with unusual wolf FX) that’s unfortunately overlong and has a draggy second half. Mimi Rogers is fun as the girls’ stepmom, overenthusiastic about the joys of menstruation. With John Bourgeois, Peter Keleghan and Lucy Lawless. A sequel and a prequel (both decent) followed in 2004.

GINJNI THE SLASHER (hitokiri ginji) (2003 JPN) D: TAKESHI MIYASAKA W: JIRO YOSHIKAWA P: KAZUKI KATSUNMA Isao Natsuyagi is the titular homeless murderer, released after 50 years in prison. He’s a kamikaze pilot wannabe with survivor’s guilt, played by Riki Takeuchi in flashbacks. A former friend has grown-up to be controversial politician Renji Ishibashi. There’s a vengeful ghost, too, in this overlong heady action movie mix that wastes all of its interesting potential. With Shingo Tsurumi, Akaji Maro and Masato Furoya.

GINSENG KING See: THREE-HEAD MONSTER

THE GIRL AND THE GEEK (passion in the sun; passion of the sun) (1964 US) D/W/P: DALE BERRY W: ENRIQUE MADARIAGA You gotta love this ridiculous b/w nudie chase thriller (filmed “south of the border” apparently). A stripper on her way back from Vegas gets mixed up with gangsters carrying a case full of cash. She ends up running away from them across some wasteland, occasionally stopping to take off her clothes for a dip in the river! Just when she thinks her troubles are over, an escaped carnival geek (played by a guy called Mike Butts, who really gives it his all in a fright wig) chases her (she’s completely naked by now, pretty outrageous for the time) until they end up on the “wild mouse” rollercoaster ride. A repetitive bass riff on the soundtrack is pretty hypnotic and great. Watch out for it as a bonus extra on Something Weird’s dvd release of GODMONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS.

THE GIRL AND THE GORILLA See: NABONGA GORILLA

GIRL BOSS GUERILLA (sukeban guerilla) (1972 JPN) D/W: NORIFUMI SUZUKI W: TAKAYUKI MINAGAWA Miki Sugimoto (ZERO WOMAN: RED HANDCUFFS) is the leader of the female (tattooed and often topless) Red Helmet biker gang from Shinjuku, Tokyo (one of their members is supposed to be an English-speaking foreigner called Linda). They ride to Kyoto and muscle in on the local girl gang’s action, and Sugimoto eventually takes over from Reiko Ike, who also happens to be the sister of a local yakuza boss. A bald nun (!) steals one of their bikes, and eventually becomes a member (a subplot about a horny monk involves crawling around a toilet waste pit for a used condom). For less than 90 mins, a hell of a lot happens, involving a wannabe pro boxer (Michitaro Hizushima), a kidnapping, yakuza shenanigans and more. Comedic for the most part, it suddenly turns serious at the end, with a turncoat girl gang member dragged behind a motorcycle, and brutal, bloody (not to mention naked) bamboo canings. When a folk singer-type plays a song on his guitar, the overdubbed song is a piano (!) tune (I think this guy might actually be a real singer, and there’s a couple of once-famous comedians in here, too). With Toru Abe and Yoko Mihara. Suzuki, Minagawa and Sugimoto teamed-up again for GIRL BOSS (1973).

THE GIRL FROM RIO (future women; rio 70; mothers of america; la ciuda sin hombres; die sieben manner de sumuru) (1968 SPN W.GER US) D: JESÚS FRANCO W/P: “PETER WELBECK” (HARRY ALAN TOWERS) In this sequel to THE MILLION EYES OF SU MURU, Shirley Eaton rules over a nation of women called Femina (all we see is the airport) in Rio de Janeiro. A secret agent searching for a missing girl is captured by Eaton (who has prisoners tortured in drug smoke filled cages) when he fakes owning a fortune. Gangster George Sanders (who’s quite amusing) also wants his cash, and plans to destroy Femina. This time-wasting nonsense with nice locations (loosely based on the ideas of Sax Rohmer) is marginally more enjoyable than the original, but I wouldn’t bother. With Herbert Fleischmann, Elsa Montes, Dilma Loes, Walter Rilla and Walter Pidgeon. I had to laugh when a girl was tortured with a not very painful looking mini electric fan. Sax Rohmer’s character returned in the South African SUMURU (2003), directed by Darrel Roodt.

THE GIRL FROM S.I.N. (1966 US) D/W: C. DAVIS SMITH W: RICK KUEHN P: BOB ORAN/SAM STEWART Silly b/w sexploitation quickie opens with a long haired brunette seducing a man before plunging an icepick into the back of his head. She is Poontang Plenty, Agent 0069, who works for SIN. This terrorist organisation is run by a fake Oriental named Dr. Sexus (producer Oran) who wants to get his hands on invisibility pills created by a scientist (director and Doris Wishman’s regular photographer Smith). There is no dialogue, just narration and music. It’s one of the least interesting obscurities unearthed for release as a Frank Henenlotter Sexy Shocker. With producer Stewart as a photographer and Jerry Denby (usually a director). It runs about an hour.

GIRL FROM STARSHIP VENUS See: SEXPLORER

GIRL GANG (1954 US) D: ROBERT C. DERTENO P: GEORGE WEISS Here’s a great example of how cheap exploitation movies in the 50s competed against the majors with outrageous elements. Timothy Farrell (also in the director’s wrestling flick PIN DOWN GIRLS) is a “regular guy” who provides “high school kids” (very mature looking high school kids) with marijuana and “joy pops” (heroin). In one amazing scene, Farrell demonstrates the preparation of heroin before injecting it into a woman’s thigh (with stockings)! Another scene has girls getting laid (offscreen) on mattresses on the floor so they can join a “smoking club” (someone plays a piano while “teens” jitterbug). Harp music is usually heard when someone gets high. With carjacking, prostitution, a catfight and more to shock the squares. Recommended. Who wrote this?

GIRL GANG TERRORISTS See: THE VIOLENT YEARS

THE GIRL HUNTERS (1963 US) D/W: ROY ROWLAND W: MICKEY SPILLANE W/P: ROBERT FELLOWS Spillane was so disappointed with the previous incarnations of his Mike Hammer character (I, THE JURY [1952], THE LONG WAIT [1954], the amazing KISS ME DEADLY and 1957’s MY GUN IS QUICK) that he scripted this one and played Hammer himself. The results are ok, but that’s about all. At least Spillane makes a convincing Hammer, recovering from an alcohol addiction and ready to solve a case that involves a girl from his past. With Shirley Eaton, Lloyd Nolan, Hy Gardner and Michael Brennan. In b/w. The next (non-Hammer) adaptation of a Spillane novel was 1971’s THE DELTA FACTOR. Spillane also played himself in the 1954 flick RING OF FEAR.

GIRL IN GOLD BOOTS (1968 US) D/P: TED V. MIKELS W: LEIGHTON J. PEATMAN/ARTHUR A. NAMES/JOHN T. WILSON An amateur hold-up guy called Buzz takes a wannabe dancer waitress and a guitar-playing drifter called Critter to LA (they stop to ride a customised dune buggy on the way). They all get jobs at the Haunted House club (a location also used for a film called IT’S A BIKINI WORLD in 1967). She becomes the star dancer (in gold go-go boots, no less), Critter sweeps the floors and Buzz gets caught up in their sideline drug-dealing business, and even commits murder. After being disappointed by so many of Mikel’s so-called “cult classics” I quite enjoyed this light obscurity. Preston Epps plays bongos at a house party.

THE GIRL IN LOVERS’ LANE (1960 US) D: CHARLES R. RONDEAU W: JO HEIMS P: ROBERT ROARK Aimless drifter Brett Halsey and his young friend stop in a small town for a while. Halsey falls for a diner waitress, and a lynch mob is after him at the climax when Jack Elam rapes and kills her. Uneventful. In b/w, with Emile Meyer.

GIRL IN ROOM 20 (1946 US) D: SPENCER WILLIAMS P: H.W. KIER A rural girl from a small village heads for NYC to become a singer. A helpful cab driver (director Williams) takes care of her and calls her folks to help when she gets in a spot of trouble. Everything ends extremely happily in this 62 mins b/w drama, one of Williams’ least interesting allblack cast pictures (with very wooden acting). See instead JUKE JOINT or GO DOWN DEATH.

GIRL MADNESS See: THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS

THE GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE (naked under leather; la motorcyclette) (1968 UK FRA) D: JACK CARDIFF W: RONALD DUNCAN P: WILLIAM SASSOON Marianne Faithfull stars as a bored housewife who puts on a black leather jumpsuit and takes off on her Harley in this odd, arty biker/road movie from talented cinematographer Cardiff (THE MUTATIONS, DARK OF THE SUN). During her highway odyssey, we get flashbacks to her affair with Alain Delon, and overhead shots of a bowl of tofu! Alternatively laughable, effective and just plain confusing, I’d say it’s worth a look. With Marius Goring and Jacques Marin. Based on Andre Pieyre de Mandiargues’ novel.

GIRLS OF SPIDER ISLAND See: HORROR OF SPIDER ISLAND

GIRLS SCHOOL SCREAMERS (the portrait) (1984 US) D/W/P: JOHN P. FINEGAN P: PIERCE KEATING/ JAMES W. FINEGAN JR. A group of Catholic schoolgirls and a nun have the job of cataloging all the artefacts at a big old mansion after the owner dies. They hold a séance (“that’s a super idea”), some get killed and flashbacks show that one of the girls is identical to one who died there years earlier. Some of the acting is awful, and this Troma pick-up lensed in Philadelphia is dull beyond belief.

GIRLS NITE OUT (the scaremaker) (1982 US) D: ROBERT DEUBEL W/P: ANDREW N. GURVIS W: GIL SPENCER JR./JOE BOLSTER/KEVIN KURGIS The frat boy basketball team get on your nerves, and relationships with the sorority girls get stormy as a killer in a bear costume (the team mascot) stalks campus during an Easter egg-style hunt one night. Hal Holbrook (and his son, David) star, with Rutanya Alda and Richard Bright. This lousy, forgettable slasher movie was lensed in New Jersey.

GIRLS ON THE MOON See: NUDE ON THE MOON

GIRLS TOWN (the innocent and the damned) (1959 US) D: CHARLES HAAS W: ROBERT SMITH/ROBERT HARDY ANDREWS P: ALBERT ZUGSMITH Bad girl Mamie Van Doren livens up a school for girls run by nuns with her jive talk when she’s the prime suspect in the murder of Harold Lloyd Jr. She eventually solves the case and straightens out her wild younger sister with the help of kindly Paul Anka and The Platters. With Mel Torme, Ray Anthony, Gloria Talbot, Cathy Crosby, Gigi Perreau, Charles Chaplin Jr., Jim Mitchum, Elinor Donahue, Peter Leeds, Jack Carr, Claire DuBrey and an uncredited William Smith.

THE GIRL WAS YOUNG See: YOUNG AND INNOCENT

THE GIRL WHO KICKED THE HORNET’S NEST See: MILLENIUM (2009)

THE GIRL WHO KNEW TOO MUCH See: THE EVIL EYE

THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE See: MILLENIUM (2009)

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2009) See: MILLENIUM (2009)

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (verblendung) (2011 US SWE UK GER) D: DAVID FINCHER W: STEVEN ZAILLIAN P: CEAN CHAFFIN/BERNA LEVIN/ SCOTT RUDIN/SOREN STAERMOSE/OLE SONDBERG This extremely dynamic and stylised big-budget adaptation of Stieg Larsson’s novel (see MILLENIUM review for details) is much better than the previous version, and much more faithful to the book. Daniel Craig is Mikael Blomkvist, the disgraced journalist (in a Sweden were everyone speaks English with a funny accent), asked by ageing industrialist giant Christopher Plummer to investigate an unsolved murder from the 60s, at his twisted family’s remote, private, snow-blown island. Rooney Mara is very good as Lisbeth Salander, the somewhat sociopathic hacker extraordinaire who aids him. A fine (150 or so mins) thriller, with a great opening title sequence (Fincher began with music videos). With Stellan Skarsgard, Steven Berkoff, Robin Wright, Joely Richardson, Yorick von Wageningen, Goran Visnjic, Geraldine James, Donald Sumpter (from 1977’s THE BLACK PANTHER), Julian Sands, Martin Jarvis, Alan Dale and Embeth Davidtz. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross provide the score (including a cover of Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song), and Enya’s insufferable Orinoco Flow is used to interesting effect. Executive producer Zaillian also wrote AMERICAN GANGSTER (2007).

G.I. SAMURAI See: TIME SLIP

THE GLADIATOR (1985 US) D: ABEL FERRARA W: WILLIAM BLEICH P: ROBERT LOVENHEIM In one of Ferrara’s career low-points, Ken Wahl is a mechanic whose brother is killed in an accident caused by a maniac in a black sports car with protruding wheel spikes. He becomes a highway vigilante in a modified tow-truck. The main problem is that everyone goes on about Wahl’s gadgets, but all we see is him shoot a hook into passing cars to grab and pull them. In fact, this dull, failed tv movie pilot (from New World) is seriously low on any auto-carnage. With Robert Culp as a cop, Nancy Allen as a radio talk show host, Rick Dees and Linda Thorson. That’s the Dukes Of Hazzard’s General Lee (with a different paint job) as the maniac’s car. CRIME STORY (1986) was a more successful pilot for Ferrara.

GLADIATOR (2000 US UK) D: RIDLEY SCOTT W/P: DAVID FRANZONI W: JOHN LOGAN/WILLIAM NICHOLSON P: DOUGLAS WICK/BRANKO LUSTIG Here’s a good example of an excellent Hollywood blockbuster hit that is actually worth checking out on a big-screen to see where all the money went. Russell Crowe is a soldier for the Roman Empire who is chosen by emperor Richard Harris to rule the corrupt city of Rome. But Harris’ jealous son Commodus Caesar (Jaocquin Phoenix) double-crosses him and kills his wife and child. Oliver Reed (in his final performance) trains the forgotten Crowe to be a gladiator and he becomes a folk hero in the arenas of Rome. Two and a half hours may sound long, but this never drags. The drama works due to an excellent cast. The sets, costumes, photography and editing are all first-class and the lengthy, detailed arena battles are exciting and bloodthirsty. With Connie Nielsen, Derek Jacobi, David Hemmings, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Djimon Hounsou, John Shrapnel, Ralf Moeller and Tomas Arana. Much of it was filmed in Morocco (where Reed passed away in a local bar).

THE GLAMOROUS LIFE OF SACHIKO HANAI (hanai sachiko no karei na shogai; hatsujo kateikyoshi: sensei no aijiru) (2003 JPN) D: MITSURU MEIKE W: TAKAO NAKANO Sachiko (Emi Kuroda) is a prostitute who services male clients at a costume fantasy roleplay salon. At a coffee shop she witnesses a shooting and is shot in the head herself. She survives, but after wandering in a daze for a while, discovers that she’s now a genius with a thirst for knowledge (so much so that she eats pages from a library book). She also suffers from a major delay in the reaction of her senses. A professor of metaphysics whom she fucks (Yukijiro Hotaru) brings her home to stay with him and his wife, and tutor their military strategy-obsessed son. Meanwhile, the assassin from the coffee shop (who turns out to be a North Korean spy) is after a small cylinder in her possession, which contains a cloned finger of George W. Bush. She has surreal visions of a man in a Bush mask talking to her (intercut with overdubbed tv footage of the real Bush Jr.) as the finger gets in her pants. The ending is apocalyptic, and Kuroda sings The Star Spangled Banner (in Japanese) over the end credits. This extremely weird sex movie (Kuroda is naked a lot) is pretty much a one-joke concept, mixed in with half-assed attempts at satire. Somehow it manages to get away with it because of a wacky, unique charm. I suspect it may develop a cult following. Screenwriter Nakao is behind the EXORSISTER series and several others.

GLAMOUR ANGEL See: HARD TICKET TO HAWAII

GLEN AND RANDA (1969 US) D/W: JIM McBRIDE W: LORENZO MANS/RUDOLPH WURLITZER EXEC P: SIDNEY GLAZIER A young, naïve post-nuke couple (Steven Curry with Sideshow Bob hair, and Martha’s mother Shelley Plimpton) leave their commune to search for “the city” (using Wonder Woman comics as a reference). They never do find it, and she dies during childbirth at the end of this mostly dreary, low-key 16mm American Film Institute-backed effort that received an X for casual nudity when released in 71. The best part is early on with Garry Goodrow (a jobbing character actor who later co-wrote 1992’s HONEY I BLEW UP THE KID for Disney), excellent as a lecherous motormouth travelling “magician” who puts on a show (great use of The Rolling Stones’ Time Is On My Side). Shot in California and Oregon. The first screenplay attempt by then-hip novelist Rudy Wurlitzer, he wrote TWO-LANE BLACKTOP next. McBride had already made a couple of documentaries and DAVID HOLZMAN’S DIARY (1967). He made HOT TIMES (also with Curry) next.

GLEN OR GLENDA (i led two lives; i changed my sex; he or she; the transvestite) (1953 US) D/W: EDWARD D. WOOD JR. P: GEORGE WEISS Wood’s feature debut is a now-legendary autobiographical tale of an obsessive transvestite (Wood, aka “Daniel Davis”) trying to figure out how to tell his fiancée (Dolores Fuller, a terrible actress and Wood’s reallife girlfriend at the time). This amazing slice of pure Wood is bewilderingly inept yet endearingly honest, and will pretty much leave you speechless. Timothy Farrell is a psychiatrist, Lyle Talbot a cop, Captain DeZita, the Devil and Bela Lugosi is unbelievable as an intense godlike figure who rants some insane dialogue over the proceedings. Stock war footage fits in well considering the rest of this mess. With Conrad Brooks, Evelyn Wood, makeup man Harry Thomas and cinematographer William C. Thompson as a judge. Producer Weiss (who appears) originally commissioned the Christine Jorgensen story, but ended up with this on his hands. Amazing. Wood made JAIL BAIT next.

THE GLIMMER MAN (1996 US) D: JOHN GRAY W: KEVIN BRODBIN P: JULIUS R. NASSO/STEVEN SEAGAL Steven Seagal is a cop in a snakeskin jacket with a secret past, after a serial killer organisation that murder and crucify families. Keenan Ivory Wayans is his partner and Brian Cox is the main villain involved with the Russian Mafia. Seagal seems to have held onto his mystical, caring persona (while still beating someone to death with the butt of a gun). With Bob Gunton, John M. Jackson, Michelle Johnson, Stephen Tobolowsky, Peter Jason, Richard Gant, Nikki Cox, Ellis Williams, Paige Rowland and Fritz Coleman.

THE GLOVE (blood mad) (1978 US) D: ROSS HAGEN W: HUBERT SMITH W/P: JULIAN ROFFMAN John Saxon (who narrates and uses lots of baseball analogies) is a divorced bounty hunter trying to make enough money to give his ex-wife so he can keep seeing his little daughter. A lot of cash can be made in tracking a black ex-con parole violator (Roosevelt Grier), who’s killing corrupt prison guards and wrongdoers with a special superstrong riot glove. Unusual action drama is mostly boring and talky, but fight scenes involving the glove (few and far between) are interesting. With Aldo Ray, Joanna Cassidy, Michael Pataki, Jack Carter, Keenan Wynn, Joan Blondell, Hoke Howell (who’d end up in Fred Olen Ray movies with fellow character-actor Hagen years later), a GLOVE theme tune and gay-bashing played for laughs. Gary Graver was the photographer. Apparently the action scenes were overseen by Roffman, who also made the 3D favourite THE MASK (1961).

LES GLUITONES 2 (the lustful amazons; yuka; amazon golden temple) (1973 FRA) D: JESÚS FRANCO This typically awful sleazy mess from Franco concerns a female jungle tribe and has hardcore sex scenes. You will fall asleep. With Alice Arno, Lina Romay and a Maciste character. Howard Vernon appears and provided the still photography. I believe it’s a sequel to LES GLOUTONNES (also 1973).

GLUMP See: PLEASE DON’T EAT MY MOTHER

GNAW See: FOOD OF THE GODS 2

A GNOME NAMED GNORM See: UPWORLD

GOBLIN (1988) See: HOBGOBLINS

GOBLIN (2010 CAN) D: JEFFREY SCOTT LANDO W: RAUL SANCHEZ INGLIS P: JOHN PRINCE Gil Bellows and his family head out to rural Hollow Glen so that he can set up some development project with the locals. But the town has been cursed since 1831, by a witch whose deformed child was sacrificed in a bonfire. Come Halloween and a tall, caped CGI goblin with claws and teeth is after Bellows’ baby. His childish teen daughter is the heroine. There is some mild gore in this pretty boring Syfy release.

GOBLIN 3 See: HOUSE 4

THE GODFATHER (1972 US) D/W: FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA W: MARIO PUZO P: ALBERT S. RUDDY Marlon Brando gives a very mannered yet undeniably powerful performance as Don Vito Corleone, head of the Sicilian Corleone family of gangsters, in this influential 175 mins mob classic set in the postwar 40s and 50s, based on Puzo’s 1969 bestseller (minus the odd yet memorable page-filler digressions about vaginal contraction operations and the like). Al Pacino is the real star, however, as his youngest son and unlikely successor, Michael Corleone. James Caan and the brilliant John Cazale are his brothers, Robert Duvall the adopted Irish-German brother (both he and Caan were in Coppola’s previous film, 1969’s THE RAIN PEOPLE) and family consigliere. Talia Shire is the sister (and Coppola’s real-life sister). With Diane Keaton, Richard S. Castellano, Al Lettieri, Abe Vigoda, Sterling Hayden as a nicely realised Irish police chief, John Marley, Richard Conte, Alex Rocco (as a character based on Bugsy Siegel, see BUGSY for more), Richard Bright, Vito Scotti, Angelo Infanti, Franco Citti, Saro Urzi, Joe Spinell as a hitman in his first film, Sonny (FRENCH CONNECTION) Grosso, Roman Coppola as an extra and a three-week-old Sofia Coppola being baptised. Too many memorable scenes, all captured by Gordon Willis’ superb yet naturalistic cinematography. Dean Tavoularis’ period production design is also flawless. Composer Nino Rota reworked some cues from his score for FORTUNELLA (1958). Dick Smith is credited with makeup, including making Brando look convincingly older). Robert Towne apparently worked on the script. Interestingly, Frank Sinatra almost played the Don, even though he was furious at Puzo because he thought the Johnny Fontaine crooner character was a thinly veiled attack on him (oddly, Al Martino who plays Fontaine in the movie had a career which more closely paralleled the character in regards to mob involvement). Coppola could do no wrong in Hollywood after this critical and commercial smash, and delivered THE CONVERSATION before making a sequel. The sequel was based on an original screenplay, subsequent mob novels by Puzo were Fools Die (1978), The Sicilian (1987) (see review of the Michael Cimino movie), The Last Don (1996) and (posthumously) Omerta (2000). In movie-land, he wrote EARTHQUAKE and SUPERMAN movies. Robert Evans was an important (uncredited executive producer) influence on this movie and its sequel.

THE GODFATHER PART II (1974 US) D/W/P: FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA W: MARIO PUZO The same core crew returned for this astoundingly fine 202 mins sequel that charts the paranoid, ruthless ascension of Godfather Michael Corleone (Pacino) through the late-50s (during the FBI investigation into organised crime, and the revolutionary uprising in Cuba), while we also get insights into Vito Corleone’s (Robert DeNiro) past in Sicily, and as a struggling immigrant in New York. Shire, Keaton, Duvall, Cazale, Vigoda, Spinell and James Caan (in a flashback) return, with Michael V. Gazzo (who, trivia fans, had co-written the screenplay for Elvis’ 1958 flick KING CREOLE), G.D. Spradlin, Lee Strasberg, Dominic Chianese (later a major part of a different chapter on screen mobsters, THE SOPRANOS), Fay Spain, Troy Donahue, Harry Dean Stanton, Carmen Argenziano, Bruno Kirby, Peter Donat, Marianna Hill, Richard Bright, Leopolde Trieste, Danny Aiello as a hitman, and look for Roger Corman and Richard Matheson. You probably won’t spot a young Tony Sirico (also later part of THE SOPRANOS) as an extra, or Sho Kosugi. Little Roman and Sofia are here, too. In 1977, THE GODFATHER: A NOVEL FOR TELEVISION (aka THE GODFATHER SAGA) was aired on tv in four parts. It rearranged both movie narratives to play in chronological order. More violent or contentious content was excised, and replaced with additional, previously unseen footage. It ran (minus commercials) 434 mins. Following PART III, THE GODFATHER TRILOGY 1901–80 was a videotape set that ran everything in chronological order.

THE GODFATHER PART III (1990 US) D/W/P: FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA W: MARIO PUZO I guess the first two left such a high water mark that people were bound to be disappointed by this end to the trilogy. But it’s not as bad as the knee-jerk reactions suggested, although I’ve no doubt the conclusion (which includes an overlong opera segment) will leave you unsatisfied. Al Pacino gives a great performance as the ill and ageing Don trying to leave the life of crime behind, but unable to severe his deep roots in the Sicilian Mafia (with important connections in the corporate-run Vatican). With Andy Garcia as his (unconvincing) successor, Joe Mantegna, Diane Keaton, Talia Shire, George Hamilton, Sofia Coppola, Helmet Burger, Eli Wallach, Raf Vallone, Don Novello, John Savage, Brett Halsey, Michael Bowen, Catherine Scorsese, Salvatore Billa, Rick Aviles, Tony Devon and Bridget Fonda, who’s barely around long enough to get credited.

THE GODFATHER OF HARLEM See: BLACK CAESAR

GOD MONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS (1973 US) D/W/P: FREDERIC HOBBS P: E. PRENTICE WELLES/ STEPHEN WILLIAMS Christopher Brooks (also in Hobbs’ ALABAMA’S GHOST) is a black man from New York who comes to Virginia City, a restored Old West tourist town, to try to buy the land from corrupt historian and restoration founder Stuart Lancaster. He becomes a victim of local fear and bigotry and is almost hanged. Meanwhile a sheep-herder, a scientist (E. Kerrigan Prescott from Hobbs’ ROSELAND) and his female assistant study a semi-formed giant embryo conceived after a confusing near-psychedelic sequence. It eventually grows into a ridiculous man-in-a-suit eight-foot mutant sheep which walks on its hind legs. It escapes and the incredible ending of this crazed, entertaining and fascinating sci-fi western political melodrama takes place at the town garbage dump. With Erica Gavin (VIXEN!). Highly recommended.

GOD OF GAMBLERS (diy san; du shen) (1989 HK) D/W: WONG JING P: JIMMY HEUNG Chow Yun-Fat stars as the title character, amazingly adept at all forms of gambling. One day he bangs his head and suffers from chronic amnesia, reverting to a child-like state. Andy Lau, his girlfriend Joey Wong and Ng Man Tat are gambler wannabes who look after him in return for the fortune he wins for them (as long as he’s fed the right kind of chocolate). Gangsters on the look-out for him attack, he regains his memory and takes on a casino in the exciting finale. There’s heroic bloodshed gunfights, implied necrophilia, the shooting-the-villain gag from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and the typical HK comedy stew. Pretty entertaining, but beware some scenes that drag unless you’re heavily into gambling. Wong Kwang was the choreographer. With Sharla Cheung Man, Charles Heung, Lung Fong and Shing Fui On. Two sequels followed without Fat, who returned in GOD OF GAMBLER’S RETURN (1994) (all by Jing). There’s also an alternate part three just to confuse matters.

GO DOWN DEATH (1944 US) D/W: SPENCER WILLIAMS W: SAM ELLJAY/JEAN RODDY P: ALFRED N. SACK Here’s an obscure 50-ish mins b/w oddity from Sack Amusements, an ahead-of-its-time company that made early black cast films. Williams (whose debut was the thematically similar THE BLOOD OF JESUS) is Big Jim Bottoms, a brothel manager with no religious convictions. He sends three of his women to see a meddling preacher and takes photos of them together to prompt a scandal that’ll get the preacher off his back. After long sequences where nothing much happens and gospel music is heard, Big Jim eventually kills his god-fearing aunt by mistake. Things get weird as Big Jim’s cackling conscience rants at him on the soundtrack (in a different voice) and scares him so much that he runs out of town. He flees to the desert, arriving at the gates of Hell where a man dressed as the Devil eats someone (!) with odd, primitive FX out of a silent movie (lifted from the 1911 L’INFERNO, in fact). Recommended.

GODS AND MONSTERS (1998 US UK) D/W: BILL CONDON P: PAUL COLICHMAN/GREGG FIENBERG/ MARK R. HARRIS Based on Christopher Bram’s book Father of Frankenstein, this is an interesting what-could-have-happened biopic of director James Whale. Set in the 50s it tells of a peculiar friendship between bitter, homosexual Whale (the great Ian McKellan) and his homophobic macho gardener (Brendan Fraser). Culminating in Whales’ suicide, it’s a fascinating, intelligent and moving character study and a gripping drama as well. With Lynn Redgrave, Lolita Davidovich, David Dukes, Kevin J. O’Connor and David Millbern. Clips from FRANKENSTEIN and BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN are used effectively, and check out the Karloff clone. Clive Barker was an executive producer. Recommended.

GOD’S ANGRY MAN (1980 W.GER) D: WERNER HERZOG Less-than-one-hour made-for-tv documentary on the pioneering LA televangelist Gene Scott. Scott gets furious at his audience for not sending enough money, seems genuinely embittered and frustrated in private interviews, and (in the most memorable scene) has a toy monkey band on his show (a surreal sight). More people who like his fictional work should give Herzog’s documentaries a try. This one is actually quite difficult to find.

GOD’S ARMY See: THE PROPHECY (series)

GODSEND (2004 US CAN) D: NICK HAMM W: MARK BOMBACK P: MARC BUTAN/CATHY SCHULMAN/ SEAN O’KEEFE After they lose their eight-year-old son in an accident, Greg Kinnear and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos relocate to a remote small-town to be near Robert DeNiro’s clinic when he offers to clone the boy in a foetus so she can give birth to him again. After his eighth birthday the boy turns mischievous, then malicious and seems to have some kind of dual personality. Potentially interesting nature-not-nurture thriller is ruined by bad pacing, monotony and (most of all) a badly scripted, half-assed story. With Cameron Bright, Merwin Mondesir, Raoul Bhaneja and Marcia Bennett. Filmed in Ontario.

GOD’S GUN (a bullet from god; diamante lobo; pistola di dio) (1976 ITL ISR) D: “FRANK KRAMER” (GIANFRANCO PAROLINI) P: MENAHEM GOLAN/ YORAM GLOBUS Here’s a western co-production backed by the future founders of Cannon that stars Lee Van Cleef and Jack Palance. It’s a shame that it’s nowhere near as interesting as it sounds. Palance is the sadistic villain who heads a gang that takes over a small town. Van Cleef has a dual role as a preacher who dies trying to stop him, and his avenging gunslinger brother. With Richard Boone, Sybil Danning and Franco Pesce. Parolini made YETI next.

GOD’S LEFT HAND, DEVIL’S RIGHT HAND (kami no hidari te akuma no migi te) (2006 JPN) D: SHUSUKE KANEKO W: YOSHINORI MATSUAGE P: MIKIHIKO HIRATA/NAOYA NARITA/ISAO YOSHIWARA A little boy who can foretell ill-fortune, dreams of a schoolgirl getting killed (by a hook through the neck), and he’s rushed to hospital when his body inexplicably mirrors her wounds. His elder sister (Asuka Shibuya) remembers his earlier advice, and sets off to find some way of saving him via a series of clues. We know from the beginning that the killer of teen girls is Tomoroh Taguchi, a convenience store worker who draws weird, violent comics for his crippled, bedridden little girl. Aiming for some kind of adult fairy tale tone with its own sense of logic, and silly, cartoonish gore, this adaptation of a manga by Kazuo Umezu (who makes a cameo appearance) doesn’t really work. Taguchi fans should know that he’s pretty over-the-top here, though, and the creepiest looking “nice dad” imaginable. With Ai Maeda and Toshie Negishi. Director Kaneko hit it big with the DEATH NOTE films.

THE GODSON (1968 US) D/W/P: WILLIAM ROTSLER A young mobster starts off sorting out the bookkeeping and the broads at a house for hookers, but soon schemes his way up the ranks of the organisation in this mostly dull nudie Mafia movie with lots of nudity and sex. With Maria Aronoff (aka Maria Arnold), Uschi Digard, Harlan Ellison (!) apparently (it was shot at his house), and Rotsler (who also made MANTIS IN LACE for Harry Novak’s Boxoffice International).

GOD TOLD ME TO (demon) (1976 US) D/W/P: LARRY COHEN Between IT’S ALIVE entries, Cohen made this fascinating, exciting sci-fi thriller that takes a look at organised religion. Tonly Lo Bianco is a cop investigating a string of events in which normal members of the public have committed mass homicide and then uttered “God told me to” before committing suicide. If you’ve managed to avoid hearing about the twists and surprises thus far, I won’t spoil it for you. You need to see this. With Richard Lynch, Sandy Dennis, Sylvia Sidney, Andy Kaufman (!) and some fantastic NYC location work.

GODZILLA (gojira) (1954 JPN) D/W: ISHIRO HONDA W: TAKEO MURATA/SHIGERU KAYAMA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA H-bomb tests destroy the natural habitat of a two-million-year-old huge reptilian monster (Haruo Nakajima and others in a monster suit) that stomps Tokyo and Yokohama. That plot description, while not inaccurate, doesn’t really convey the majesty of the original GODZILLA, the greatest monster movie since KING KONG, an icon whose potency has been diluted over the years by countless sequels, imitations and parodies. Less than a decade since the A-bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Godzilla represents science out-of-control and misappropriated in a way that was still scary and unsettling (it’s no surprise that scenes of the dead and wounded in this film were considered in very poor taste by some Japanese critics at the time, despite the overall reaction of audiences being one of positive catharsis). Akihiko Hirata is Serizawa, the conflicted scientist who creates the oxygen destroyer that will eventually end Godzilla in the heartbreaking finale (the music of genius composer Akira Ifukube can make me cry at the best of times, but if you don’t at least have a lump in your throat during this, you’re just not human). With Takashi Shimura (familiar from many Kurosawa movies) as a palaeontologist who wants to study Godzilla, Akira Takarada as the dashing hero, Momoko Kochi, the centre of the love triangle between him and Hirata, Toranosuke Ogawa, Fuyuki Murakami, Sachio Sakai, Ren Yamamoto, Kokuten Kodo, Kin Sugai, Kenji Sahara, Yasuhisa Tsutsumi, Keiji Sakakida, Nakajima in a non-monster role and Honda himself. Eiji Tsubaraya’s groundbreaking FX work is still massively effective (despite the occasional laughable miniature moment), and offer an interesting alternative to the originally conceived stop-motion work (the film was inspired by the American THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS). It was shot in beautiful b/w by Masao Tamai. Kayama (who drafted the original screen story) was a popular novelist of thrillers at the time. I could write a lot more about the historical context and continuing influence of GODZILLA (a not-bad second American remake was released in the summer of 2014), but instead I would recommend picking up the essential Criterion dvd release, which includes both the original version and the Joseph E. Levine US release English-language dub (supervised by Terry Morse, with footage of Raymond Burr substituting some original footage) and most importantly, invaluable commentary by David Kalat for both versions, telling you everything you need to know about the Lucky Dragon No. 5 incident and the Cold War, to production backstory, to details about Levine and the dubbing and re-editing process. Fascinating stuff. Luigi Cozzi had another bash at re-editing GODZILLA in 1977, by the way. GODZILLA COUNTERATTACKS was the first sequel (seeing as Godzilla is reduced to bones here, was this a new monster of the same species?). Honda’s next monster movie was JUU JIN YUKI OTOKO/HALF HUMAN the following year.

GODZILLA (1998 US) D/W: ROLAND EMMERICH W/P: DEAN DEVLIN W: TED ELLIOT/TERRY ROSSIO The team behind INDEPENDENCE DAY followed up with this pretty useless, overlong and directionless big FX-laden update of the classic Toho monster movie. Except this time the monster is an atomically mutated lizard from French waters that stomps New York City and makes his nest there. Matthew Broderick is terrible trying to act cute as a scientist and Jean Reno gets to do an Elvis impression. I’m all for mindless entertainment, but there’s no suspense, excitement or sense of awe. A clip of IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA on a tv outshines everything. With Hank Azaria, Michael Lerner, Kevin Dunn, Harry Shearer, Chris Ellis, Nancy Cartwright, Richard Gant, Bodhi Elfman, Clyde Kusatsu, Glenn Morshower, Greg Collins, Al Sapienza, Masaya Kato and Ken Lerner.

GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA See: GODZILLA X MECHAGODZILLA

GODZILLA AND MOTHRA: THE BATTLE FOR EARTH See: GODZILLA VS. QUEEN MOTHRA

GODZILLA COUNTERATTACKS (godzilla raids again; the return of godzilla; gigantis the fire monster; the volcano monster; gojira no gyakashu) (1955 JPN) D: MOTOYOSHI ODA W: SHIGEAKI HIDAKA/ TAKEO MURATA P: EDMUND GOLDMAN/TOMOYUKI TANAKA Oda’s name doesn’t often crop up while discussing the Kaiju Eiga genre, but he deserves recognition for helming a pretty good sequel to Honda’s 1954 classic. Apparently, Godzilla managed to escape death in the first movie (even though we saw his bones) to a nearby island. He returns to trash Osaka and fight Angurus. With Hiroshi Koizumi, Minoru Chiaki, Takashi Shimura, Masao Shimizu, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Ren Yamamoto, Senkichi Omura and Shoichi Hirose. A US version had new insert scenes directed by Hugo Grimaldi, and Marvin Miller narration. This review refers to the Japanese version. Oda had directed an INVISIBLE MAN movie the previous year. Ishiro returned with KING KONG VS. GODZILLA eight years later.

GODZILLA, MOTHRA, KING GHIDORAH: GIANT MONSTERS ALL-OUT ATTACK (gojira, mothra, king ghidorah: daikaiju sokogeki) (2001 JPN) D/W: SHUSUKE KANEKO W: KEIICHI HASEGAWA/MASAHIRO YOKOTANI P: HIDEYUKI HONMA It is in fact King Ghidorah, Mothra AND Baragon who are reawakend to fight big G in this only average but ambitious and interesting outing (which ignores all previous sequels) where Godzilla is found to represent the vengeance of thousands of soldiers (Japanese and others) who were left to die during wars in the Pacific Ocean. Of course it has appeal for the elementary school gang, but it’s nice to see at least an attempt at adult progression in a monster movie nowadays. The fight scenes are ok, too. With Chiharu Yiyama, Shiro Sano, Ryudo Uzaki, Masahiko Tsugawa, Hideo Amamoto, Katsuo Nakamura and Koichi Ueda. GODZILLA X MECHAGODZILLA followed.

GODZILLA 1985 (return of godzilla; gojira 1985) (1984 JPN) D: KOHJI HASHIMOTO W: HIDEKAZU NAGAHARA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA This pretty much ignored the other sequels and only acknowledges the original as Godzilla emerges from an erupting volcano, destroys a Russian submarine (which in turn almost starts WWIII) and, of course, stomps Tokyo. It’s actually pretty bad, with unconvincing FX for such a major release (especially the giant insect on a ship near the beginning. Some of the better stuff was lifted from PROPHECIES OF NOSTRADAMUS). This review refers to the 103 mins Japanese original (that’s video running time), but an American edit was shorter and included inserts of Raymond Burr again! It’s credited to R.J. Kizer, and Tony Randall was script doctor (apparently — the jokes are pretty unfunny). With Ken Tanaka, Keiju Kobayashi, Yasuko Sawaguchi, Shin Takuma, Tetsuya Takeda, Yousuke Natsuki, Eitaro Ozawa, Taketoshi Naito, Hiroshi Koizumi, Kei Sato, Nobuo Kaneko and Yoshifumi Tajima. GODZILLA VS. BIOLANTE followed.

GODZILLA ON MONSTER ISLAND See: GODZILLA VS. GIGAN

GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN See: GODZILLA COUNTERATTACKS

GODZILLA’S REVENGE (minya: the son of godzilla; attack all monsters; gojira-miniragabara: oru kaiju daishingeki) (1969 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: SHINICHI SEKIZAWA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA This one’s about as bad as a Godzilla movie got. A little boy with absent parents is bullied at school, so retreats into a fantasy world where he can travel to monster island (direct flight!) and befriend Godzilla’s son Minya (who fucking talks!). Minya’s rite-ofpassage inspired by his old man also inspires the little boy to face up to bullies, and even ensnare a pair of bank robbers on-the-run. Monster fight footage is from SON OF GODZILLA and GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER. As you may have gathered, the English title has nothing to do with the movie.

GODZILLA 2000 (gojira millenium) (1999 JPN) D: TAKAO OHGIWARA W: KANJI KASHIWABARA/ ATARU MIMURA P: TOSHIHIRO OGAWA Despite dying in GODZILLA VS. DESTROYER (also by Ohgiwara) Godzilla (or could it be his son?) comes out of the ocean near Hokkaido. Takehiro Murata stars as a guy who runs a Godzilla information group called GojiraNet. The movie slows down dramatically for the middle section as an ancient spaceship also emerges from the sea and sits atop a skyscraper in Tokyo. Hiroshi Abe is the bad guy who wants to blow up everything as a solution. Finally things pick up as the big G returns to face-off against the spaceship and a cool looking shape-shifting monster it has deposited, called Orga(nizer G-1). With Shiro Sano, Naomi Nishida, Bengaru and Koichi Ueda. This review refers to the Japanese release version, I heard the US dub has been shortened. GODZILLA VS. MEGAGIRAS followed.

GODZILLA VS. BIOLANTE (gojira tai biolante) (1990 JPN) D/W: KAZUKI OMORI W: SHINICHIRO KOBAYASHI P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA Not a bad little entry at all, this. Biolante is a plant monster made from Godzilla’s cells that sprouts vines with teeth and spits deadly green acid. Megumi Okada is a psychic who can communicate with Godzilla. The main drawbacks are two-dimensional evil Arab villains and several foreigners played by the worst actors imaginable. With Koichi Ueda and Toshiyuki Nagashima. Director Omori previously made educational films, and scored the gig by releasing a video anthology of his short horror movies. The script was apparently based on ideas sent in by fans. GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH followed.

GODZILLA VS. DESTROYER (1995 JPN) D: TAKAO OHGAWARA W: KAZUKI OMORI P: SHOGO TOMIYAMA The director of the QUEEN MOTHRA and MECHAGODZILLA entries returns to helm the 22nd Japanese Godzilla outing. Gojira fans should prepare to cry because this is the one in which he finally dies (not counting his original demise in 1954, of course). After his ordeal in the previous GODZILLA VS. SPACEGODZILLA, everyone’s favourite rubber monster is disintegrating before our very eyes. He’s a mass of atomic energy getting ready for meltdown. So when he does his usual Tokyo stomp, he can’t be destroyed because it would trigger Armageddon! However, another menace is on the scene. Many spider-like monsters are growing in Tokyo bay, formed from the residue of the oxygen destroyer that was supposed to have stopped Gojira back in 1954. Godzilla’s son turns up to help, and he’s thankfully matured from the smoke ring-burping cutie of old. With Akihiko Hirata, Yasufumi Hayashi, Megumi Odaka and Masahiro Takashima. Clips of the great Akira Takarada from the original are shown. Toho studios signed a multimillion dollar deal with Tri-Star Studios which resulted in the monstrosity that was GODZILLA in 1998. I guess that must be the surviving son in the following Japanese entries.

GODZILLA VS. GIGAN (godzilla on monster island; war of the monsters; chikyu kogeki meirei: gojira tai gaigan) (1972 JPN) D: JUN FUKUDA W: SHINICHI SEKIZAWA/TAKESHI KIMURA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA One of the least enjoyable in the series has Gojira and Anzilla fighting King Ghidorah and Gigan (who has a buzz-saw in his stomach), sent by aliens who want to conquer Earth because their home planet is dying. The much more fun GODZILLA VS. MEGALON (also by Fukuda) was next.

GODZILLA VS. HEDORA See: GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONTER

GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH (gojira tai king gidora) (1991 JPN) D/W: KAZUKI OMORI P: SHOGO TOMIYAMA The second (or third if you count GODZILLA 1985) of the revamped Gojira series following GODZILLA VS. BIOLANTE. The ambitious time travel story tells of a future race that sends ambassadors back to the present to inform us that we must return to 1944 and prevent Godzilla’s creation as he will destroy everything in the future. However, the future time travelers turn out to be dishonest and have King Ghidorah on their side. But never fear, a new improved Godzilla (made from toxic waste) returns. I’d like to be as enthusiastic as others about this entry, but the truth is that it’s a little bit boring. With Yoshio Tsuchiya, Kenji Sahara and So Yamamura. GODZILLA VS. QUEEN MOTHRA followed.

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA (godzilla vs the bionic monster; godzilla vs the cosmic monster; gojira tai mechagojira) (1974 JPN) D/W: JUN FUKUDA W: HIROYASA YAMURA/MASAMI FUKUSHIMA/SHINNICHI SEKIZAWA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA Archaeologists discover old cave paintings in Okinawa that foretell a big, destructive monster battle, and a metal from space. Aliens from inside a black hole try to take over Earth (and are revealed as apemen types when they die). They have created a mechanical Godzilla clone to fight big G. Another obscure Toho monster called King Sesar helps the real Godzilla and Angirus also turns up for a bit. Not quality, but an engrossing monster movie, I think. With Akihiko Hirata, Hiroshi Koizumi and Kenji Sahara. TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA was next.

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA (godzilla vs mechagodzilla 2; godzilla vs super mecha gojira; gojira vs mechagojira) (1994 JPN) D: TAKAO OKAWARA W: WATARU MIMURA P: SHOGO TOMIYAMA This is not a remake of the earlier movie of the same name. This time MechaG is on our side to protect us from monsters. Rodan returns, and there’s a new baby Godzilla that does nothing except look cute. Pretty much a little kiddie outing this one, but a masterpiece compared to the following GODZILLA VS. SPACEGODZILLA. With Megumi Okada, Masahiro Takashima, Koichi Ueda, Akira Nakao and (because it was the 40th anniversary movie) veteran Kenji Sahara.

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA 2 See: GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA (1994)

GODZILLA VS. MEGAGIRAS (gojira tai megagiras) (2000 JPN) D: MASAAKI TEZUKA W: HIROSHI KASHIWABARA/ WATARU MIMURA Scientists invent a “micro black hole” to destroy Godzilla. Meanwhile a little kid throws a giant egg he found into the Tokyo sewer system and we get big flying bugs climbing up the side of buildings in a flooded Shibuya. This entry is a little too long and slows down in sections, but is overall much better than GODZILLA 2000. The final battle between Godzilla and a real big flying bug with a stinger tail is pretty rousing stuff. What confuses me is that if Tsubaraya productions can make those cool microchip robots, why do their miniatures still look so obvious? With Masato Ibu, Yuriko Hoshi and Toshiyuki Nagashima. Next was GODZILLA, MOTHRA, KING GHIDORAH: GIANT MONSTERS ALL-OUT ATTACK.

GODZILLA VS. MEGALON (gojira tai megalon) (1973 JPN) D/W: JUN FUKUDA W: SHINICHI SEKIZAWA/ TAKESHI KIMURA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA One of my personal favourite entries. The underwater city of Atlantis (that has its own sun!?!) send Megalon (kind of a cockroach) and Borodan (kind of a chicken) to Earth to protest against enviromental pollution. Gojira and tag team partner Jet Jaguar (an Ultraman rip-off) face off against them. With Katsuhiko Sasaki, Hiroyuki Kawase and Yutaka Hayashi. GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA followed.

GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO See: MONSTER ZERO

GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA (godzilla vs the thing; mothra tai gojira) (1964 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: SHINICHI SEKIZAWA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA Ruthless business tycoons move in when a giant egg is found off the coast of Japan. Ito sisters Emi and Yumi, as the miniature Peanuts/aliens, try to persuade officials to return Mothra’s egg to monster island. They don’t, but later plead for help from the dying Mothra when Godzilla attacks. The egg hatches just in time for twin larvae to defeat big G with cocoons. Lacks a certain something that would put it in my list of favourite Godzilla films, but it’s a good entry. With Akira Takarada, Yuriko Hoshi, Hiroshi Koizumi, Yu Fujiki, Yoshifumi Tajima, Kenji Sahara, Jun Tazaki, Yutaka Sada, Akira Tani, Susumu Fujita, Ikio Sawamura, Ren Yamamoto, Yoshio Kosugi, Yasuhisa Tsutsumi, Shin Otomo, Wataru Omae and Yutaka Nakayma. Godzilla and Mothra returned with King Ghidorah in MONSTER ZERO and GHIDRAH.

GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA (1992) See: GODZILLA VS. QUEEN MOTHRA

GODZILLA VS. QUEEN MOTHRA (godzilla vs mothra; godzilla and mothra: the battle for earth; gojira vs mothra) (1992 JPN) D: TAKAO OKAWARA W: KAZUKI OMORI P: SHOGO TOMIYAMA This remake of GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA is a not-bad rehash, but doesn’t improve on the original. As well as the title creatures, we get a winged beast called Battra. With Kobayashi Satomi, Bessho Tetsuya, Megumi Okada, Akiji Kobayashi, Akira Takarada, Koichi Ueda and a new pair of (The Cosmos) Mothra-friendly twin girl singers. A new spin-off MOTHRA series resulted, and a new GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA was next.

GODZILLA VS. SPACE GODZILLA (gojira tai spacegojira) (1994 JPN) D: KENSHO YAMASHITA W: HIROSHI KASHIWABARA P: SHOGO TOMIYAMA Fifth in the new series that began with GODZILLA VS. BIOLANTE. There have been several lesser-quality Godzilla entries over the years, but I think this is probably the only utterly non-enjoyable one that got right up my nose. The ridiculous, condescending plot involves some scientific gobbledygook about a cell of Godzilla’s having been mutated in space, resulting in… Space Godzilla! Cost-cutting use of destruction FX from earlier entries seals its fate for loyal fans of the big G. With Towako Yoshikawai, Akira Nakao, Akira Emoto, Kenji Sahara, Koichi Ueda and Keiko Iwamura and Sayaka Osawa as The Cosmos. Things did get back on track, though, with GODZILLA VS. DESTROYER.

GODZILLA VS. SUPER MECHA GODZILLA See: GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA (1994)

GODZILLA VS. THE BIONIC MONSTER See GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA (1974)

GODZILLA VS. THE COSMIC MONSTER See: GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA (1974)

GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER (ebirah, horror of the deep) (1966 JPN) D: JUN FUKUDA W: SHINICHI SEKIZAWA P: TOMOYUKI SEKIZAWA The first entry by Fukuda. Mothra (with the Ito sisters, here called Pair Bambi) helps our rubber hero fight a giant killer shrimp called Ebirah. It’s pretty strange, even by genre standards. You might enjoy. With Akira Takarada (dubbed by Hal Linden), cute Kumi Mizuno, Akihiro Hirata, Jun Tazaki, Ikio Sawamura, Eisei Amamoto, Shoichi Hirose, Chieko Nakakita and Yutaka Sada.

GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER (godzilla vs hedora; gojira tai hedora) (1971 JPN) D/W: YOSHIMITSU BANNO W: “KAORI MABUCHI” (TAKESHI KIMURA) P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA Dated and utterly strange psychedelic eco-friendly monster movie has Godzilla battling Hedora, a pretty cool looking monster made from pollution. Did anyone ever think that the inclusion of eviromentally-aware post-hippy teens rocking about saving the planet, cartoons and trippy visual techniques were anything less than immensely weird elements to insert into a Godzilla entry? Reportedly the head honchos at Toho were not amused, but you most certainly will be. Check it out! With Tadashi Okabe, Wataru Omae, Haruo Nakajim and some surprising violence that’s oddly disturbing.

GODZILLA VS. THE THING See: GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA

GODZILLA X MECHAGODZILLA (godzilla against mechagodzilla) (2002 JPN) D: MASAAKI TEZUKA W: WATARU MIMURA P: SHOGO TOMIYAMA A team of Japanese scientists have assembled a bio-robot clone of Godzilla from the bones of the original 1954 monster found at sea. Pilots led by Yumiko Shaku (from THE PRINCESS BLADE) control it in an attack against Godzilla. It’s pretty silly stuff, but there’s some good carnage and will be adequate entertainment for big G fans. With Shin Takuma, Akira Nakao, Kumi Mizuno (from WAR OF THE GARGANTUANS) as the PM (!), Koichi Ueda, director Tezuka and a cameo from a famous Japanese baseball player known as Gojira who now plays for the New York Yankees. Following were GODZILLA, MOTHRA, MECHAGODZILLA: TOKYO S.O.S. and GODZILLA: FINAL WARS (apparently the final ever Godzilla film).

GO FORWARD (the spiders no dai shingeki) (1968 JPN) D: KO NAKAHIRA W: SO KURAMOTO/KO INA Popular Group Sounds (Japanese garage rock) group The Spiders star in this mildly annoying time capsule musical comedy (their third vehicle; the fourth and final being BIG COMMOTION later the same year). The nonsensical plot has something to do with a missing briefcase and stolen diamonds embedded in tambourines that the group bring back to Japan with them from America. We never find out what happens to either. The best musical numbers are the stop-start Mela Mela, and Ban Ban (with bongos and screaming). The band wear several different matching outfits, and do choreographed dance moves on stage, inspired by British/American bands/ styles/eras. I was a little surprised when one set seemingly inspired by later period Beatles had them smoking fake joints (!) and using “ethnic” instruments. Groupie mobs follow them everywhere, lead singers Jun Inoue (the handsome one) and Masaaki Sakai (the ugly joker who later starred in the amazing Monkey tv series) share a room and fight over a cute tour manager assistant (Masako Izumi, also briefly a popstar), and the half-Indian Mari Annu lurks (she’s now famous for running a successful curry restaurant in Tokyo). With Kojiro Kusanagi, Kenshiro Uemura, Shiro Yanase, Hiroshi Chou and Junji Sakae. Note product placements for watches and the Oshima Tsugumi brand store (and Crazy Cats reference). Animal lovers will not be amused at the scene where the group plough their car into a herd of pigs (one can clearly be seen going under the wheel)! For more on how the sometimes fun but just as often insipid Group Sounds boom fits into a broader musical context, I recommend reading Julian Cope’s excellent Japrocksampler book. Director Nakahira (1956’s CRAZED FRUIT) also made several films (like INTERPOL) in Hong Kong for the Shaw Bros.

GOG (1954 US) D: HERBERT L. STROCK W: TOM TAGGART P: IVAN TORS After THE MAGNETIC MONSTER, Strock made this equally talky but less exciting sci-fi movie for Tors. Richard Egan arrives at a secret underground laboratory in the desert (where they are experimenting on freezing astronauts for space-flight, and harnessing the power of the sun) to investigate some inexplicable deaths. The final result of sabotage (somehow caused by overhead aircraft sending electronic signals, or something) is that two awkward-looking robots with the biblical names of Gog and Magog run amok (well, they swivel about a bit, waving their arms). The obvious but unnamed evil behind all this are Soviet Communists. This ok but slow and underwhelming picture reminded me a little of THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN. With William Schallert, Philip Van Zandt, Herbert Marshall, John Wengraf and Michael Fox. Originally meant to be seen in colour and 3D, it was mostly seen on tv (until recent years) in b/w, and only screened theatrically in 3D a few times.

GO! GO! GADGET See: INSPECTOR GADGET

GO, GO, SECOND-TIME VIRGIN (yuke, yuke, nidome no shojo) (1969 JPN) D/P: KOJI WAKAMATSU P: ISUZU (DE) DEGUCHI A girl is gang-raped on a rooftop. Apparently, it’s her second time. A bespectacled boy talks to her about murder, suicide and a whole load of pretentious crap while she self-indulges like crazy. He shows her the corpses of the people he has murdered (in one of the few colour inserts in this b/w film), and also slaughters the rapists. They both walk off the roof together at the end. This 65 mins ode to low-budget self-indulgence (and bad acting) is one of almost 100 films made by Wakamatsu since 1963. Some of them are more interesting.

GO GO SENTAI BOUKENGER (2006-2007 JPN) This was Toei/Bandai’s 30th lucrative merchandise cash-in on the superhero Super Sentai Series (that ran 49 episodes). Five colour-coded youngsters (bikini idol Chise Nakamura is the cute, childish miniskirted yellow one, fellow lolicon perverts!) suit-up for action as “treasure hunters”, independent locators of “precious” and protectors of animals near extinction. The Jaryuu Tribe are their dinosaur-like nemeses. Of course, our heroes all drive a different vehicle, all connect to form a big super robot. They also have souped-up cell phones. Very much for kids, loaded with cheap tv CGI (and, of course, costumed fights), it’s fast-paced, imaginative trash that I’d have been happy to grow-up watching. Bikini idol Mami Yamazaki was a frequent eye candy guest. JUKEN SENTAI GEKIRANGER was next.

GOHATTO (taboo) (1999 JPN FRA UK) D/W: NAGISA OSHIMA P: NOBUYOSHI OTANI In Kyoto, 1865, (towards the end of the Edo period), “Beat” Takeshi Kitano stars as one of the leaders putting together a samurai army (the Shinsengumi, kind of like a police force). Ryuhei Matsuda (Yasuka Matsuda’s son) and Tadanobu Asano are new recruits to be trained in this slow-moving and talky but very good “chambara” drama with murder mystery elements. I won’t give away the story, but suffice to say that Matsuda becomes an object of desire for the other samurai and the homosexual tendencies of ancient Japanese warriors is skilfully explored. It’s based on a series of books by Ryotaro Shiba and features an effective score by Riyuchi Sakamoto. With Shinji Takeda, DOG RACE director Yoiichi Sai, Masato Ibu, Koji Matabo, Tomoroh Taguchi, Susumu Terajima, Jiro Sakagami, Tomizu Masa, Zakoba Katsura, Uno Kanda, Shun Sugata, Yoji Tanaka and a top-notch decapitation. Kei Sato narrates. The photography is by Yoshinobu Nishioka. Oshima is most famous for IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES.

GOJOE (RESENKI) (2000 JPN) D/W: SOGO ISHII W: GORO NAKAJIMA P: TAKENORI SENDO In the dark ages, decapitations on and around a guarded border bridge seem to be committed by some demonic force. Daisuke Ryu is first-class as a nearmythical dark-hearted monk — said to be born of a demon — who is out to solve the mystery. Masatoshi Nagase is a cynical, reluctant swordsmith who helps him, and Tadanobu Asano is the ambitious nemesis on the verge of great power. Please avoid shorter international festival prints missing 40 mins, this bombastic, expertly crafted and enthralling gothic supernatural drama with authentic period detail is just right at the original 135 mins. Those in the know about Japanese history/mythology and the legend of Musashibo Benkei and Shanao will get an extra kick from this original interpretation of these legendary events. With Jun Kunimura, Ittoku Kishibe and Masakatsu Funaki. Asano and Nagase returned in Ishii’s featurette ELECTRIC DRAGON 80,000 V.

GOKE: BODY SNATCHER FROM HELL (kyuketsuki gokemidoro) (1968 JPN) D: HAJIME SATO W: KYUZO KOBAYASHI/SUSUMU TAKAHISA P: TAKASHI INOMATA A passenger plane is knocked out of the sky by a UFO and crash-lands in the desert. Various characters (including a female American who can’t speak Japanese) who survived the crash wait to get rescued and argue as an alien force possesses them one by one and turns them into vampires. The aliens enter the victims by making a crack in the forehead and crawling into the skull. An unusual, effective and surprising little sci-fi/horror gem with a great ending. With Tomomi Sato.

GOLD CROSS See: MICHAEL ANGEL

THE GOLDEN ARROW (l’arcere delle mille euna notte; la freccia d’oro) (1962 ITL) D: ANTONIO MARGHERITI W: GIORGIO ARCORIO/AUGUSTO FRASSINETTI/ GIORGIO PROSPERI/FILIPPO SANJUST/BRUNO VALATI P: GEOFFREDO LOMBARDO The bad guys don’t like the fact that common thief Tab Hunter is the only one who can fire the mythical golden arrow in this fun fantasy. They try to prevent him from becoming sultan, and there’s a chase on flying carpets and flaming men. With Renato Baldini and José Jaspe.

GOLDEN BAT (ogon bat) (1966 JPN) D: HAJIME SATO W: SUSUMU TAKAHISA A teen boy stargazer has noticed that the planet Icarus has slowly been changing course, but no one seems to believe him. He’s kidnapped and taken to the headquarters of a secret research team (which includes a bearded Sonny Chiba), who know he’s right and need his help to prevent Icarus from colliding with Earth. The evil Nazo (he looks like someone in an oversized hooded bear costume) and his henchmen are responsible for the disaster, operating from a cool drill-shaped rocket beneath the sea. Needing some crystal for their Super Destruction Beam Cannon, Chiba and Co. fly a Super Car to an island that turns out to be Atlantis! There they release a skull-faced, caped superhero called Golden Bat from a sarcophagus! Golden Bat can emit lasers from his cane, fly and has a little bat sidekick. He has his own theme tune that’s heard at the beginning of this extremely fun b/w Toei release filled with imaginative ideas and FX. That foreigner in the cast, by the way, is Andrew Hughes, a man who in real-life successfully defended several supposed Japanese war criminals in the international court, and was rewarded with roles in several sci-fi movies! He was also in Sato’s next (and last, he died in 1995), the classic GOKE. Chiba was in Sato’s TERROR BENEATH THE SEA the same year. As well as an animated tv series, Golden Bat (created in a manga by Takeo Nagamatsu) seems to have turned up in the 1972 feature OGON BAT GA YATTEKURU.

GOLDEN BOY (1997) See: APT PUPIL

GOLDEN COBRA See: THE HUNTERS OF THE GOLDEN COBRA

GOLDEN DESTROYERS (18 golden destroyers) (1985 HK) D: GORDON CHAN W: BENNY HO Joseph Lai was executive producer for this awful, nutty release from IFD Films and Arts Ltd. After an unrelated credit sequence with Casanova Wong fighting in a period setting (from another film, perhaps?), we are in modern-day Hong Kong, and a trio of vacationing cops (and boxing experts) from Thailand save a female pickpocket from trouble in a bar, where topless girls (their nipples are covered) serve drinks. A talking Buddhist statue (!?) warns them not to enter “forbidden territory”, and they find themselves menaced by gold-painted fighters. They turn out to be resurrected Shaolin students, with hard goldskinned bodies (because it’s stronger than bronze). A girl with a whistle controls them for an elderly monk (with really stupid, thick stick-on white eyebrows and moustache). Another of their clan (who all have non-Chinese names like Charles and Rudolph) steals the robot-like fighters, ships them to Thailand and uses them to mine (styrofoam) rocks. Luckily the gold men “emit a signal” (what!?) that the girl with the whistle can track. So the cops help her get the “golden destroyers” back. I’m pretty sure that the “Gordon Chan” at the helm is not the same guy behind FIST OF LEGEND and BEAST COPS (1998). If it was, it would be his debut, and likely he wouldn’t want anyone to know!

GOLDENEYE (1995 UK US) D: MARTIN CAMPBELL W: JEFFREY CAINE/BRUCE FEIRSTEIN P: MICHAEL G. WILSON/BARBARA BROCCOLI Timothy Dalton only got to be James Bond twice before the series suddenly stopped. Then Pierce Brosnan returned in this updated post-Glasnost 007 adventure that has some good stunts and action, but is lacking something. The plot involves a satellitebased weapon that destroys all electronics within a large radius of its target. Izabella Scorpuco is the Russian Bond girl and Sean Bean is 006. Famke Janssen seems to be enjoying herself as the villainess Xavier Onnatop (who likes rough sex). The ridiculous skydiving/plane stunt during the precredit sequence was my favourite part. With Joe Don Baker. Tcheky Kayro, Judi Dench as M, Robbie Coltrane, Desmond Llewelyn as Q, Gottfried John, Alan Cumming, Michael Kitchen, Minnie Driver and Campbell (who started with Brit sex comedies like ESKIMO NELL). TOMORROW NEVER DIES followed.

GOLDEN KILLAH See: GOLDEN MASK

GOLDEN MASK (golden killah) (1980 TAI) D: “TONY CHANG” (TING CHUNG) Chi Kuan Chun tries to catch and identify the mysterious murderer “Golden mask” in this thoroughly lacklustre kung fu movie. With Tung Wei, Frank Wong, Doris Lung, Wong Chi Sang, Chai Kai and Chui Chung Hei. Only a final six-on-one scrap with spinning spiked discs shows any flair.

GOLDEN NEEDLES (the chase for the golden needles) (1974 US) D: ROBERT CLOUSE W: S. LEE POGOSTIN/ SYLVIA SCHNEBLE P: FRED WEINTRAUB An introduction informs us of a priceless golden Buddha statue which contains magical acupuncture needles, that can afford a man superhuman virility (or agonising death if used incorrectly). Elizabeth Ashley is an American in Hong Kong looking for it. When she can’t match Roy Chiao’s asking price, she hires Joe Don Baker to steal it. Burgess Meredith also wants to get his hands on it in the hope of restored youth. Clouse, Weintraub and composer Lalo Schifrin had already collaborated on the Asian crossover box office hit ENTER THE DRAGON. This is nothing like it, and only mildly diverting hokum. Jim Kelly (from DRAGON and Clouse’s BLACK BELT JONES) is around long enough to kick some ass. With Ann Sothern, Richard Ng, Lee Ka-Ting, Kok Kee-Yan, Jue Tit Woh and Fong Yuen. Wayne Wang was the assistant director. Baker returned in Clouse’s THE PACK.

GOLDEN NINJA WARRIOR (1986) D/W/P: JOSEPH LAI W: PHILIP LEE P: BETTY CHAN Lai surprises us all with this innovative, groundbreaking martial arts movie that eschews his usual bottom-dollar ways for a refreshing, epic vision of masterful scope and clarity. No, only kidding. It’s just another of his quickie Ninja knock-offs with hohum fighting and interchangeable plots. Elsa (or Queenie) Yeung is a famous model and secret ninja after some bad guys who whip topless women into becoming whores. Yeung also gets her kit off by the way. Richard Harrison has a brief appearance, adding another quality release he probably didn’t even know he was in to his filmography. My favourite part was a throwing knife POV shot that somehow manages to turn corners. As many of these things that I’ve suffered through, I still want to own a primary colour ninja outfit.

GOLDEN QUEEN’S COMMANDO (amazon commando; commando amazon; jackie chan’s crime force; sexy commando; seven black heroines; hung fen bing tuen; hong fen bing tuan) (1983 HK) D: CHU YIN PING W: FOO LAP/GODFREY HO P: JOSEPH LAI Seven tough women (including a wrestler, a gambler, a thief etc.) in a maximum security prison during WWII team up (under the leadership of eyepatchwearing Brigitte Lin) to escape. Once free they join forces to destroy a military chemical plant in the desert. This odd action movie features lots of music stolen from spaghetti westerns (an obvious influence), and is pretty entertaining. With Sally Yeh, Elsa Yeung and Conan Lee. Joseph Lai was the executive producer. Ping’s most notorious oddity is FANTASY MISSION FORCE.

THE GOLDEN SEAL (gam yau chau; jin yin chou) (1971 HK) D: TIN FUNG W: WONG YI WAY P: RUNME SHAW This borderline historical drama/martial arts film drags like fuck but does feature minimal, yet nicely choreographed swordplay action that is essential for genre fans interested how kung fu films progressed in a matter of a few years. In particular, the finale in which villain Ku Feng becomes a human pincushion. Chung Wa stars. With Wong Ping. Tin Fung was a busy actor in kung fu films (he also has a part here), but this was his only directorial credit.

GOLDEN SUN See: BRUCE LEE WE MISS YOU

GOLDEN SWALLOW (mistress of the thunderbolt; the shaolin swallow; jin yan zi) (1968 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: YU TUN CHIH P: RUNME SHAW Wang Yu is Silver Roc, a ruthless lone swordsman leaving a bloody trail across the country as he offs members of the villainous Poison Dragon bandits led by Yeung Chi-Hing. This is, however, just a calling card to attract his love, the talented swordswoman Golden Swallow (Cheng Pei Pei). But Swallow is torn between Silver Roc and Golden Hand Whip (Lo Lieh), an almost equally dexterous but far more compassionate and forgiving man. Beautifully shot by Pao Hsieh-Li, this great follow up to King Hu’s classic COME DRINK WITH ME is one of Cheh’s finest early efforts, truly moving in its operatic drama, and exhilarating with its progressive epic swordplay, choreography courtesy of the seminal team of Tang Chia and Liu Chia Liang (who also appear). With Wu Ma, Chiu Sam-Yin, Cheng Miu, Tong Dik, Ku Feng, Mars, Hoh Ban, Cliff Lok, Lam Kau, Lee Kwan, Lau Kar-Wing, Yuen Cheung-Yan, Yuen Woo-Ping, Hsu Hsia, Yen Shi-Kwan, Chan Chuen, Wong Chung, Chui Chung-Hok, and see if you can spot a young prestardom David Chiang as an extra. Don’t miss it, Shaw fans.

THE GOLDEN SWORD (lung moon gam kim; long men jin jian) (1969 HK) D/W: LO WEI P: RUNME SHAW A wandering swordsman is falsely accused of stealing a shipment of silver. No matter how impressive the sets and costumes, these late-60s historical dramas from Shaw Bros with minimal, slapdash martial arts, are very difficult to sit through. The kung fu genre was still in development and people like Chang Cheh had yet to ignite it. But for serious fans who want to know how Hong Kong action movies have evolved it’s undeniably essential viewing. With Cheng Pei Pai, Lo Wei, Kao Yuen, Wong Chung Shun and Go Bo Shu.

GOLDEN TEMPLE AMAZONS (amazons in the temple of gold; les amazones du temple d’or) (1985 FRA) D: “JAMES GARTNER” (ALAIN PAYET) D/W: “A.L. MARIAUX” (JESÚS FRANCO) Liana, a jungle girl orphan who discovers her parents were murdered vows to take revenge on a tribe of female bodyguards (who ride horses topless) protecting a temple full of gold on behalf of evil William Berger. A comic relief tribesman called Coo-Coo helps. Although uncredited, it’s pretty obvious that Franco helped with the direction on this Eurocine production. A scene with a couple bound together and whipped over a bed of spikes is identical to a scene in his EROTIC RITES OF FRANKENSTEIN. Very silly, but as Franco’s stuff goes it is at least watchable as opposed to catatonic. With Olivier Mathot and Antonio Mayans.

THE GOLDEN TRAIL See: THE RIDERS OF THE WHISTLING SKULL

THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1973 UK) D: GORDON HESSLER W: BRIAN CLEMENS W/P: RAY HARRYHAUSEN P: CHARLES H. SCHNEER Not as good as SEVENTH…, this is still a fun fantasy with great Harryhausen stop-motion, the best of which is a six-armed sword fighting statue. John Phillip Law is Sinbad this time. With Tom Baker (Doctor Who at the time), Caroline Munro (looking great), Gregoire Aslan, Aldo Sambrell and Robert Shaw. SINBAD AND THE EYE OF THE TIGER followed.

GOLDEN YEARS (stephen king’s…) (1991 US) D: KEN FINK/ALLEN COULTER/MICHAEL G. GORNICK/ STEPHEN TOLKIN W: STEPHEN KING/JOSEF ANDERSON P: MITCHELL GALIN/PETER R. McINTOSH A civilian worker at a military testing base is covered in dust after mad scientist Bill Raymond’s experiments result in a lab explosion. The dust seems to reverse his ageing process. He, his wife and a nice female FBI agent go on the run from bad Feds in this ok miniseries based on King’s novel Insomnia (he turns up as a bus driver). The seven-part (including a two-hour pilot) series seems to have been cancelled, with a non-ending and things unexplained. The double videocassette (running four hours, comprising the pilot and condensed version of the other six episodes) has a senseless, tacked-on ending. It would have worked better as one two-hour movie. With Ed Lauter, Matt Malloy, Peter McRobbie, Joe Inscoe, J. Michael Hunter, Rick Warner, Mark Jeffrey Miller, Michael Burgess, Richard K. Olsen, David Dwyer, Mark Joy, Jason Robards III, Stephen Root, John Rothman, Margo Martindale and Tim Guinee.

GOLDFINGER (1964 UK) D: GUY HAMILTON W: RICHARD MAIBAUM/PAUL DEHN P: ALBERT R. BORCCOLI/HARRY SALTZMAN The third Bond movie is one of the best. Sean Connery’s 007 is well matched by Gert Fröbe as Goldfinger and the hat-lobbing Korean sidekick Oddjob (Harold Sakata). Honor Blackman is Pussy Galore and Shirley Bassey sings the memorable theme tune. There’s a good plot as well, culminating in an exciting Fort Knox climax. With Shirley Eaton, Bernard Lee, Martin Balsam, Lois Maxwell, Cec Linder, Richard Vernon, Burt Kwouk, Desmond Llewelyn and Les Tremayne.

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BARES (1963 US) D: “LEWIS H. GORDON” (HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS) W: WILLIAM R. JOHNSON P: “DAVIS FREEMAN” (DAVID F. FRIEDMAN)/THOMAS J. DOWD Lewis and Friedman had already had several nudie cuite hits (starting with THE ADVENTURES OF LUCKY PIERRE) when they were hired to make this one in Miami (which has nothing to do with the fairy tale, by the way). Rex Marlow (a bad crooner with nine fingers) and William Kerwin (as baggy-pants comic Tommy Sweetwood; brother Harry was chief electrician by the way) hook-up with a couple of cute girls (including Vicki Miles aka Allison Downe) who turn out to be nudists. They eventually agree to join the club, and go naked horse riding and yachting! Former light heavyweight boxing champ Joey Maxim owns the club where they work. Originally set to be a musical, it’s not. With Mal (BLOOD FEAST) Arnold. Lewis and Friedman followed with two more nudies (BOIN-N-G! And BELL, BARE AND BEAUTIFUL) and then created the roughie with SCUM OF THE EARTH then the gore film with BLOOD FEAST! All in the same year! A dvd from Something Weird has this (which can be watched with entertaining commentary from Friedman, Frank Henenlotter and Mike Vraney) backed with the genuine (but less charming or enjoyable) nudie musical SINDERELLA AND THE GOLDEN BRA (1964), and several shorts (CINDERELLA’S LOVE LESSON with Lily St. Cyr, the adorable GOLDIELOCKS GOES GLAMOROUS, the boring THIS DIARY BELONGS TO FANNY HILL, the wonderful NUDE IN THE WINDOW, DOUBLE TROUBLE and the longer [almost 30 mins] THE SUPER DREAMS). There’s also an eye-popping, surprising gallery of cover art from rare magazines that covered all this adult and exploitation stuff when it played theatres. And, of course, trailers.

GOLD PAPYON See: GWENDOLINE

GOLD RAIDERS (fire game) (1981 THAI UK) D/P: P(HILIP) CHALONG W: EARL WINGARD/ BANCHERD/BUNDID Robert Ginty heads a special ops crew into Laos to recover gold bullion from a downed plane before the local military villains get their hands on it. Ginty drives a “missile motorcycle”/hanglider that he rides across a gorge on a wire (!) and which mysteriously switches from two wheels to three when seen airborne in longshot. Despite this, big fish, vampire bats, blood squibs and the line “a pretty girl like you shouldn’t be a sadist”, this is as crappy as you’d expect from Filmark International (home of several Godfrey Ho productions).

DER GOLEM (der golem: wie er in die welt kam; the golem: how he came into the world) (1920 GER) D: CARL BOESE D/W: PAUL WEGENER W: HENRIK GALEEN P: PAUL DAVIDSON The Golem is a stone statue of Jewish legend that is supposed to come to life when it wears the Star of David and protect Jews from danger. Wegener had already played the stone avenger in his 1915 GOLEM and the 1916 THE GOLEM AND THE DANCING GIRL. Both are probably lost movies now but this silent b/w fantasy classic is available and should be seen by everyone interested in cinema. And not just as a worthy milestone by which to pretend to be entertained, it is still utterly engrossing and enchanting (maybe even more so as the FX and sets are startling for being so ahead of their time). Check out the scene in which a magician entertains a higher court for evidence of this. With Greta Schroder, Ernst Deutsch, Otto Gebuhr and Fritz Feld. Karl Freund was cinematographer (his work is amazing) and Edgar G. Ulmer his assistant. Ernst Lubitsch was the supervising director. The next version was in 1936.

GOLIATH AND THE DRAGON (la vengance d’hercule; la vendetta di ercola) (1960 ITL FRAN) D: VITTORIO CATTAFAVI W: MARCO PICCOLO/ARCHIBALD ZOUNDS JR. P: GIANNI FUCHS/ARCHILLE PIAZZI Mark Forest is the immortal Goliath (or Ercole in the original Italian version) and Broderick Crawford is the villainous Euritus in this routine peplum that should please fans of the genre. There’s a laughable three-headed fire-breathing dog, a man-in-a-suit bear, a (sometimes animated) dragon and a pit of snakes. With Gaby Andre, Philippe Hersent and Carla Calo. Perfect lazy weekend afternoon viewing.

GOLIATH AND THE GOLDEN CITY See: SAMSON AND THE 7 MIRACLES OF THE WORLD

GOLIATH AND THE VAMPIRES See: MACISTE AGAINST THE VAMPIRE

GOLIATHON (the mighty peking man; colossus of congo; sing sing wong; xing xing wang) (1977 HK IND) D: “HOMER GAUGH” (HO MENG HUA) W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW This Shaw Bros KING KONG remake has developed quite a cult following over the years, but it’s not really that remarkable — merely ok entertainment. Danny Lee leads an expedition into the jungle to find the legendary giant ape Othoon. It’s captured and brought back to Hong Kong where, naturally, all hell breaks loose. Evelyn Kraft (star of 1978’s LADY DRACULA) is the female Tarzan love interest raised in the jungle after surviving a plane crash. The Euro COLOSSUS print provides additional Kraft nudity, and a different ending. With Norman Chu, Yuen Kwai, Ku Feng, sappy romantic scenes, quicksand, elephant stampede and tiger wrestling. The director also made the much more interesting Kuang-scripted BLACK MAGIC and THE FLYING GUILLOTINE.

GONE IN 60 SECONDS (vanishing in 60) (1974 US) D/W/P: H.B. HALICKI Halicki was a stuntman who decided to make his own movies for the driveins. He directs and stars in this, playing an insurance investigator who also works as the head of an LA car theft ring. This enjoyable movie charts their attempt at stealing a record amount of cars in a record amount of time. The highlight is, of course, the 30+ mins car chase. It is to Halicki’s credit that this impressive stunt-filled sequence doesn’t once get boring. With George Cole and Terence H. Winkless. Believe it or not, Halicki had already produced the outrageous LOVE ME DEADLY. JUNKMAN followed, and this was remade.

GONE IN 60 SECONDS 2 See: JUNKMAN

GONIN (five) (1996 JPN) D/W: TAKASHI ISHII P: TAKEHITO NIIZU/KATSUHIDE MOTOKE Koiichi Sato, Masahiro Motoke, Jimpachi Nezu, Kippei Shina and psychotic Naoto Takenaka make the mistake of stealing money from the yakuza. Soon, homosexual rapist hitman Takeshi Kitano (wearing an eyepatch) is on their trail. This good crime movie offers nothing new, but is well told and entertaining, with some nice touches along the way. With Kazuya Kimura (from Kitano’s A SCENE AT THE SEA), Toshiyuki Nagashima, Shingo Tsurumi, Kanji Tsuda, Eiko Nagashima and Chiaki Kuriyama (her debut). Ishii wrote EVIL DEAD TRAP. A sequel followed and there was a NEW GONIN 1 and 2.

GONIN 2 (five women) (1996 JPN) D/W: TAKASHI ISHII P: NOBUAKI MUROOKA This time the five “heroes” are women (Shinobu Otake, Mai Kitajima, Yui Natsukawa, Kimiko Yo and Yumi Nishiyama) from all walks of life who are thrown together during a jewellery store robbery gone wrong. They make off with the loot and are pursued by small-time yakuza who planned the job and are pissed off. But that group’s big-fish yakuza bosses are being hunted down by a vengeful, samurai sword-wielding Ken Ogata after they raped his wife and prompted her suicide. This violent sequel has a more convoluted plot and a higher body count but is not as enjoyable as the original. Shingo Tsurumi is a crazed yakuza killer and there are cameos from Kippe Shina, Koiichi Sato, Jimpachi Nezu, Ryo Terada and Naoto Takenaka. With Susumu Terajima, Toshiyuki Nagashima and Tompei Hidari. Kazuyoshi Okuyama backed this.

GONZA THE SPEARMAN (yari no gonza) (1985 JPN) D: MASAHIRO SHINODA W: TAEKO TOMIOKA P: KIYOSHI IWASHITA/MASATAKE WAKITA Gonza (Hiromi Go) is a respected, admired and chaste samurai adept at the spear, but in 18th century Tokugawa-era peacetime finds himself at a loose-end like all the other warriors. His only hope for promotion is to master the art of the tea ceremony. Despite already being engaged, he agrees to marry lonely Shima Iwashita’s (from the WIVES OF THE YAKUZA series) daughter, so that he can gain access to her absent husband’s (Shoichi Ozawa) sacred tea ceremony scrolls and manuals. When Iwashita learns of Gonza’s duplicities, it only reminds her of her own jealousy for him, and a misunderstanding blown out of all proportions (by meddling Naoto Takenaka) means the two must flee. Ozawa returns home and somewhat reluctantly takes up their trail for vengeance. Outdated feudalistic codes of honour and oppressive social structures lead to a tragic ending. Based on a play by Monzaemon Chikametsu (as was Shinoda’s excellent, more well-known 1969 flick DOUBLE SUICIDE), this low-key, paced and utterly absorbing drama is quite brilliant in its simplicity. With Misako Tanaka, Shohei Hino, Hideji Otaki, Haruko Kato, Kumiko Miyake, Jun Hamamura and Choichiro Kawarazaki. Highly recommended.

GOOD AGAINST EVIL (1977 US) D: PAUL WENDKOS W: JIMMY SANGSTER A young man arriving in San Francisco falls in love with a talented female fashion designer. Then she goes missing and the film turns into a silly tv EXORCIST copy with Dan O’Herlihy as a priest. It makes little sense. With Richard Lynch and Kim Cattrall.

THE GOOD AND THE BAD See: KUNG FU: THE INVINCIBLE FIST

GOODBYE BRUCE LEE, HIS LAST GAME OF DEATH (the new game of death; xin si si wang you ku) (1975 TAI W.GER) D: LIN PIN/”HAROLD B. SCHWARTZ” P: R. CHOW/CHAN LUNG This oddity was shot for the German Atlas International. After an opening montage of Bruce Lee magazine covers, articles etc. (while we hear Candy’s theme King Of Kung Fu), we’re introduced to Bruce Li as, well, Bruce Li, an actor hired to complete an unfinished Bruce Lee film after Lee’s death, because he looks like him. When they sit down to watch the rushes, the Bruce in the film is Bruce Li! The film-within-a-film is some nonsense about two different Triad gangs after money that Bruce was tricked into delivering. It all ends at the Tower of Death, where Bruce (in striped yellow jumpsuit) faces a samurai, a karate master, an Indian who hops cross-legged, a black boxer (there were rumours that Muhammed Ali was to be in GAME OF DEATH) and Lung Fei with a whip (earlier in the flick Bruce also fights a tall Kareen Abdul-Jabbar clone). None of the fighting is much good really, and is more fun to read and know about than to watch. Curiously, when the film-within-a-film (which was obviously competed after all) finishes, so does the film. Why did they bother with the inconclusive framing story? With Shan Mao, Lee Keung, Ma Cheung, Choi Wang and Cheung Chung-Kwai.

GOODBYE EMMANUELLE (1977 FRA) D/W: FRANCOIS LETERRIER W: MONIQUE LANGE Emmanuelle (Sylvia Kristel) tires of her open marriage in this, the third in the series of tepid softcore gropings amid dull middle-class globe-hoppers in nice locations. Neither the best nor the worst of its type, more of a drama than an erotic flick. The theme tune is by Serge Gainsbourg. With Umberto Orsini and Alexandra Stewart. EMMANUELLE 4 (and more) followed.

GOODBYE TEXAS See: TEXAS, ADIOS

GOODBYE ARK See: FAREWELL TO THE ARK

GOODFELLAS (1990 US) D/W: MARTIN SCORSESE W: NICHOLAS PILEGGI P: IRWIN WINKLER “I always wanted to be a gangster,” proclaims Ray Liotta in this excellent look at his criminal underworld life in Queens, spanning 1955 through to the 80s (via the hideous fashions of the 70s). Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci are cohorts he eventually has to turn against and give evidence in order to escape prison (and the life), following the infamous Lufthansa heist from Idlewild airport (both THE 10 MILLION DOLLAR GETAWAY [1991] and THE BIG HEIST [2001] were tv movies that told that story in detail). Pesci is particularly funny (before the act got annoying) and vicious. With Paul Sorvino, Lorraine Bracco, Debi Mazar, Samuel L. Jackson, Henry Youngman, Mike Starr, Frank Vincent, Beau Starr, Michael Imperioli, Kevin Corrigan, Tony Sirico, Ileana Douglas, Vincent Pastore, Vincent Gallo and Tobin Bell. Pileggi based the screenplay on his 1985 book Wiseguy (inspired by real events). This landmark in gangster cinema apparently breaks some kind of record for the amount of swearing (as if anyone gives a fuck). Michael Ballhaus’ cinematography is amazing, with some impressive tracking longshots that don’t seem flashy or intrusive (to be honest, I only noticed them on repeat viewing). Thelma Schoonmaker shows why she’s Scorsese’s editor of choice. CASINO was the follow up.

GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK (1977 US) D: TED POST W: BRUCE COHN/MARK MEDOFF/JOSEPH FRALEY P: ALLAN F. BODOH Nam POWs and CIA assassination cover-ups in this extremely boring Chuck Norris vehicle. There isn’t even any mindless violence to speak of. Just a lot of talk and Chuck can’t really carry a film with his “charisma”. With Anne Archer, James Franciscus, Dana Andrews, Soon-Tek Oh, Jim Backus (the voice of Mr. Magoo) and Aaron Norris.

THE GOOD SON (1993 US) D/P: JOSEPH RUBEN W: IAN McEWAN P: MARY ANNE PAGE Elijah Wood goes to stay at his uncle and aunt’s house after his mother dies and has to save the family from his psychotic, evil cousin Macaulay Culkin. Not a bad audience-manipulating remake of THE BAD SEED (1956), from the director of THE STEPFATHER, with nice location photography from John Lindley. The controversial ending may surprise you. With Wendy Crewson, David Morse and Macaulay’s brother Rory and sister Quinn. Apparently Culkin’s father blackmailed 20th Century Fox into giving his son the role, or he wouldn’t do HOME ALONE 2 (1992).

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY (el bol, el lleig, I el dolent; el bueno, el feo y el malo; il buono, il bruto, il cattiva) (1967 ITL SPN) D/W: SERGIO LEONE W: LUCIANO VINCENZONI/FURIO SCARPELLI/ANGENORE INCROCCI P: ALBERTO GRIMALDI Clint Eastwood (in his final Italian western) is the good, Lee Van Cleef is the bad and Eli Wallach is the ugly. A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS and FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE were very good, but Leone’s third part is excellent. The plot concerns a cat-and-mouse search for buried gold coins during the chaos of the Civil War, and there are so many memorable set pieces that it’s pointless to just list them. Suffice to say if you like westerns or cinema in general, set aside 162 mins of your life for this; it’s essential viewing. If you can, see it on the bigscreen to fully appreciate Tonino Delli Colli’s cinematography. With Vic Israel, Luigi Pistilli, John Bartha, Livio Lorenzon, Benito Stefanelli, Antonio Casas, Aldo Sambrell, Sergio Mendizabal, Antonio Molino Rojo, Lorenzo Robledo, Mario Brega, Aldo Giuffre and Frank Brana. Ennio Morricone’s soundtrack has become part of the international consciousness. Titles by Lardant. Leone made the even better ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST next.

THE GOOD THIEF (gamble play; le dernier coup de mr. bob; l’homme de la riviera) (2002 FRA UK IRE CAN) D/W: NEIL JORDAN P: SEATON McLEAN/JOHN WELLS/STEPHEN WOOLLEY This is a loose remake of J.P. Melville’s BOB THE GAMBLER starring Nick Nolte as a junky gambler in Nice who masterminds a casino robbery (in fact two, one to cover the tracks of the other). This is a good heist movie with a great ear for dialogue and a funny sense of humour (and fine acting). With Nutsa Kukhianidze, Ovassini Embarek, Marc Lavoine, Tcheky Karyo, Gerard Darmon, Said Taghmaoui, Emir Kusturica, Ralph Fiennes and Mark and Mike Polish (TWIN FALLS IDAHO). It was filmed in Nice, Monaco and Italy.

THE GOOSE BOXER (leung saan gwaai chiu; liang shan guai zhao) (1978 HK) D: TAI SEE FU W: CHEUNG HOI CHING P: CHARLES HEUNG Charles Heung (also the producer) is a reasonably good fighter who becomes a pawn in an ongoing rivalry between Phillip Ko Fei and villain Lee Hoi Sang. After a little too much goofy comedy revolving around a crappy kung fu school and an ugly dwarf, the reins are handed over to Tommy Lee’s choreography team. Training scenes, bizarre styles and an utterly engrossing final showdown do a grindhouse favourite make. With Tin Ching and Dai Sai Aan. Highly recommended.

GOR 2 See: OUTLAW OF GOR

GORDON’S WAR (1973 US) D: OSSIE DAVIS W: HOWARD FRIEDLANDER/ED SPIELMAN P: ROBERT SCHAFFEL Paul Winfield is a soldier who returns home to Harlem only to find drug pushers have taken over his neighbourhood. With the help of a few friends he wages war against dope. Despite being a major release, this black action movie has been mostly forgotten since it’s release. No classic, but an engaging enough entry for it’s type. With Grace Jones.

THE GORE GORE GIRLS (blood orgy) (1972 US) D/P: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS W: ALAN J. DACHMAN Lewis’ final gore film is simply amazing, maybe even his best. The violence goes much further than you’d expect (a girl has her arse tenderised, nipples are cut off) and it’s funny and surreal as well. You have to see this one. Henry Youngman is the owner of the club where young girls are turning up mutilated. A detective and a female reporter banter and quip as they investigate. It could be considered a kind of BLOOD AND BLACK LACE on very bad acid. A ’nam vet who draws faces on melons and then smashes them with his fist at the bar is a running joke.

GORGEOUS (boh lee chun; bo li zun) (1999 HK) D/W: VINCENT KOK W/P: JACKIE CHAN Small-town Taiwanese beauty Shu Qi finds a message in a bottle, so travels to Hong Kong on a whim to find the man of her dreams. The message turns out to have been written by gay Tony Leung, but Qi falls in love with rich businessman Jackie Chan, in the midst of his own business problems. Lightweight romantic fluff may be of interest to Jackie Chan completists, as there are some well-staged Chinese boxing scenes. With Tats Lau Yi-Dat.

GORGO (1961 UK) D: EUGENE LOURIE W: “JOHN LORING” (ROBERT L. RICHARDS)/DANIEL “HYATT” (JAMES) P: WILFRED EADES/HERMAN KING Proof that everything good about BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS was down to Ray Harryhausen and not director Lourie (a Russian-born Frenchman who, it should be noted, was a great art director). This competent but dull GODZILLA knock-off has a man-in-a-monster-suit dinosaur being captured and exhibited in London until its giant mother comes to the rescue, destroying landmarks like Westminster Abbey and Big Ben in the process. With Bruce Seton, Martin Benson, Basil Dignam and Nigel Green.

THE GORGON (1964 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: JOHN GILLING/J. LLEWELYN DEVINE P: ANTHONY NELSON-KEYS Not bad 19th century period fantasy from Hammer stars Barbara Shelley as a village girl who becomes the snake-haired Medusa who can turn men to stone. Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing co-star. With Patrick Troughton, Michael Goodliffe and Jack Watson. This was more-or-less remade as THE REPTILE.

THE GORILLA (1939 US) D: ALLAN DWAN W: RIAN JAMES/SID SILVERS P: DARRYL F. ZANUCK/HARRY JOE BROWN Someone in a gorilla suit is killing people. Lionel Atwill is the next proposed victim, so bumbling detectives the Ritz Bros (Al, Harry and Jimmy) arrive at his big house to investigate in this alleged comedy mystery (in b/w). Bela Lugosi is the creepy prime suspect butler. The main problem with this adaption of a Ralph Spence play (previously filmed in 1927 and 1930) is that the Ritz Bros are about as funny as a malignant tumour. With Anita Louise, Edward Norris, Patsy Kelly, Wally Vernon, Paul Harvey and Art Miles.

GORILLA (1944) See: NABONGA GORILLA

GORILLA (1986) See: RAW DEAL

GORILLA 2 See: BERETTA’S ISLAND

GOSH See: ALICE GOODBODY

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO PHILIP K. DICK (2000 US) D/P: MARK STEENLAND P: ANDY MASSAGLI This badly conceived and poorly executed scatterbrain documentary on the great sci-fi writer Dick (who dies in 1982) concentrates on the last few years of his life, a safe robbery at his house and his vision/hallucination of a pink beam that communicated with him. Annoying, time-wasting animated sequences and the same few talking heads can’t however dilute how fascinating this man’s thought processes were regarding his epiphany (it’ll make you want to read Exegesis if nothing else). Sci-fi writer Robert Anton Wilson and Paul Williams (!) are among the interviewees. The man deserves a better doc than this (and more thoughtful screen adaptations of his written work, too) though. It ends with a Man… Or Astroman? tune.

GOTHIKA (2003 US) D: MATHIEU KASSOVITZ W: SEBASTAIN GUTIERREZ P: JOEL SILVER/ROB ZEMECKIS/ SUSAN LEVIN Halle Berry is a psychiatrist at a mental institution who suddenly finds herself on the other side of the bars, accused of murdering her husband asylum director (Charles S. Dutton) during a blackout period. Very slick psychological/ supernatural thriller from the French director of THE CRIMSON RIVERS is expensive hokum, but fairly engaging hokum that doesn’t outstay its welcome. Robert Downey Jr. co-stars, with John Carroll Lynch, Bernard Hill, Penelope Cruz, Dorian Harewood, Matthew G. Taylor, Michael Perron, Amy Sloan, Noel Burton, Benz Antoine and Jason Cavalier. Filmed in Quebec. Gutierrez directed JUDAS KISS and the SHE CREATURE “remake”.

GOZU (the yakuza horror theatre: gozu; gokudo kyofu dai-gekijo: gozu) (2003 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: SAKICHI SATO P: KANA KOIDO/HARUMI SONE Gangster Hideki Sone has orders to take his deranged yakuza brother Sho Aikawa to a special place in Nagoya for getting rid of unwanted mobsters. His conflicts of loyalty take a back seat when Aikawa goes missing in a small town full of terminal weirdos. Surreal, tongue-in-cheek black comedy is too self-conciously weird to be anything special, but if you’re attuned to its sense of humour then there are some very funny moments. With Kimika Yoshino (WIZARD OF DARKNESS), Renji Ishibashi (enjoying sex with a big spoon shoved up his arse), Shohei Hino, Kennichi Endo, Kanpei Hazama, Masaya Kato, Tetsuro Tamba, Hitoshi Ozawa, Tamio Kowaji and Hiroyuki Nagato. Screenwriter Sato also adapted the ICHI THE KILLER screenplay.

GRACELAND See: FINDING GRACELAND

THE GRADUATES OF MALIBU HIGH See: YOUNG WARRIORS

THE GRADUATION See: THE PROWLER

THE GRAFENBERG SPOT (the g-spot; double insight for traci lords) (1985 US) D/W: ARTIE MITCHELL P: JIM MITCHELL The porno pioneers behind BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR made one final 35mm hardcore feature before turning exclusively to video. The result is one of the last great audience-pleasing X films that’s highly entertaining. Harry Reems has one of his best roles (and lines like “she’s got the kind of legs a sex maniac would turn out on a lathe”) as a fisherman who’s confused and hurt after girlfriend Ginger Lynn Allen ejaculates in his face during intercourse. She goes to a specialist (Annette Haven) investigating female ejaculation and the Grafenberg spot. She gives a gushing demo at her clinic (these scenes are all done with FX). John Holmes turns up as a welder in a fantasy sequence. Traci Lords (in one of her underage scenes) gets a DP from Reems and Rick Savage. With Amber Lynn, Nina Hartley, Lil’ Marlene and Raven. Some video versions end with great behind-the-scenes footage. Artie Mitchell made a BEHIND… sequel.

THE GRAND (2006 US) D/P: ZAK PENN W: MATT BIERMAN P: JEFF BOWLER/ROSS M. DINESTEIN/ GARY MARCUS/BOBBY SCHWARTZ/BRET SAXON Woody Harrelson, Dennis Farina, David Cross, Cheryl Hines (as brother and sister), Chris Parnell and Richard Kind are six very different finalists in the titular poker championship held in Las Vegas, in this faux documentary comedy. Others seen here are Hank Azaria, Judy Greer, Jason Alexander, Ray Romano, Tiny Lister, Michael McKean, Doyle Brunson, Brett Ratner, Avi Arad, Daniel Negreanu, Mike Epps, Shannon Elizabeth and Werner Herzog as The German. Apparently largely improvised, this is surprisingly very funny, more succesful than Penn’s INCIDENT AT LOCH NESS (2004) (also with Herzog).

GRAND CROSS See: ICE

GRAND CROSS: DOOMSDAY PROPHECY See: DOOMSDAY PROPHECY

GRAND CROSS: REVOLUTION See: STONEHENGE APOCALYPSE

THE GRANDMASTER See: THE 7 GRANDMASTERS

GRANDMA’S HOUSE See: GRANDMOTHER’S HOUSE

GRAND MASTER OF DEATH See: NEW SHAOLIN BOXER

GRAND MASTER OF KUNG FU See: NEW SHAOLIN BOXER

GRANDMASTER OF SHAOLIN KUNG FU (mantis boxer) (1982 S.KOR) D: “GODFREY HO” W: ANDY MAN P: JOSEPH LAI Offbeat kung fu movie is only just above average, but features good fight choreography (courtesy of Howard Yuen and Tiger Wang) and interesting supernatural elements. Fans of the genre should check it out, considering it’s much better than most “Ho” dreck. Philip Cheung (Chang Yi Tao) stars, with Kam Kong (billed as “King Kong”!).

THE GRANDMOTHER (1970 US) D/W/P: DAVID LYNCH This weird, partly (crudely) animated and jerkily photographed short (34 mins) was Lynch’s second attempt at film (after THE ALPHABET). It’s pretty fascinating. A young boy alienated from his abusive parents grows himself a grandmother from seeds found in the attic. Everyone communicates with noises and everything looks disturbingly expressionistic and organic in this indescribable gem backed by the American Film Institute. Lynch made his first feature, the classic ERASERHEAD after one more short (THE AMPUTEE).

GRANDMOTHER’S HOUSE (grandma’s house) (1988 US) D: PETE RADER W: PETER C. JENSEN/ GAYLE JENSEN P: NICO MASTORAKIS A couple of orphans go and live with their grandparents in an orange grove. Their new guardians turn out to be killers, Brinke Stevens lurks about and you will definitely fall asleep before the end. Mastorakis has a small part.

GRASS (1999 CAN) D/P: RON MANN W: SOLOMON VESTA This much needed documentary from the director of COMIC BOOK CONFIDENTIAL and TWIST (1992) chronicles America’s 20th century war on drugs (marijuana specifically), pointing out key moments, political figures and issues that more people should know about. It also keeps a running tab on the amount of money spent “protecting” the public from this menace (for various reasons that have changed over time). I liked this documentary for tackling an important subject and not being longwinded about it (it runs about 80 mins), but was disappointed by too much emphasis on comedy (often by way of vintage film and class ed. short clips) that sometimes detracts from the piece. Woody Harrelson narrates.

GRAVE DESIRES (1968) See: MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND

GRAVE DESIRES (1973) See: THE VAMPIRES NIGHT ORGY

GRAVEDIGGER (zombie vs ninja; zombie rival: the super ninja master; zombie rivals; zodiac america: the super master) (1983 S.KOR) D: “CHARLES LEE” “GODFREY HO” P: JOSEPH LAI/BETTY CHAN Elton Chong is the bumbling, reluctant assistant to a coffin maker with extremely goofy teeth (Mike Wong). There are some hopping vampires in this confusing and very bad re-edit of a South Korean kung fu movie (THE UNDERTAKER IN SOHWA PROVINCE). It runs 75 mins, and has stolen krautrock on the soundtrack. I think the original version (once available from www.rarekungfumovies.com, but they seem to have removed it from their catalogue) ran much longer, and was minus the undead. The ZOMBIE RIVALS/ ZOMBIE VS. NINJA cut runs 87 mins with added inserts of white guys being ninjas. Confusingly, Richard Harrison is in the trailer for ZOMBIE RIVAL: THE SUPER NINJA MASTER, but is in no version of the film. Someone (with more stamina for shite than even I) needs to write a book about all this IFD/Filmark/Tang/Ho confusion.

GRAVE INDISCRETION See: THE GROTESQUE

GRAVE MISDEMEANOURS See: NIGHT LIFE

GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE (seed of terror) (1972 US) D/W: JOHN HAYES W: DAVID CHASE P: DANIEL CADY When a couple make-out in a graveyard, vampire Michael Pataki returns to life, kills the guy and rapes the woman. She gives birth to a semi-vampiric little boy who drinks her blood from a bottle and grows up to be moody William Smith! Smith joins a college night course on the occult when he discovers his father is teaching it. Smith wants Pataki dead in this very odd movie that’s worth a look, despite the fact that it doesn’t really work. I’d like to see the more graphic, uncut European version. The version that I (and most people) have seen is obviously cut in several places. With Carmen Argenziano, and an end card that proclaims:“The End or is it?”

THE GRAVESIDE STORY See: COMEDY OF TERRORS

GRAVEYARD DISTURBANCE (dentro il cimitro; una notte nel cimitero; brivido giallo — una notte al cimitero) (1987 ITL) D/W: LAMBERTO BAVA W: DARDANO SACCHETTI This awful horror comedy from the director of DEMONS (who appears briefly) has some stupid teens descending into some catacombs where they encounter various vampires and zombies. The Grim Reaper eventually turns up.

GRAVEYARD OF HONOUR (death of honour; jingi no hakaba) (1975 JPN) D: KINJI FUKASAKU W: TATSUHIKO KAMOI/HIRO MATSUDA P: TATSUO YOSHIDA This brilliant yakuza movie chronicles the life of a Tokyo gangster (brilliantly portrayed by Tetsuya Watari) in postwar American-occupied Japan. Gritty and unflinching with excellent use of handheld camerawork and an unforgettable ending, it’s as important a document of the time and place as Seijun Suzuki’s GATE OF FLESH. It should also be recognised as one of the best gangster movies of all time, yakuza or otherwise. With Tatsuo Umemiya, real-life gangster turned actor Noboru Ando, Hajime Hana, Mikio Narita and Kunie Tanaka. Based on Goro Fujitani’s novel, it was remade close to 30 years later.

GRAVEYARD OF HONOUR (shin jingi no hakaba) (2002 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: SHIGENORI TAKECHI P: SHIGEJI MAEDA/KAZUYUKI YOKOYAMA This remake takes place in the late-80s and early 90s period when the Japanese economic bubble burst. Goro Kishitani is a young yakuza promoted early (much to the disapproval of his peers) when the actions that saved his gang boss’ life are misinterpreted as valiant. The obviously unhinged, paranoid and selfish Kishitani soon ends up in prison, an outcast from the yakuza world he pissed on, and a junky. Narimi Arimori is his doting wife/rape victim/ drug buddy. The original Kinji Fukasaku classic was set against a postwar background that motivated the characters’ actions and set the tone perfectly. This version doesn’t make any sense. Kishitani’s character is just a prick, Arimori is a two-dimensional masochist and the original powerful ending is turned into a cartoonish set piece. Kind of ok if taken on its own terms, but immensely disappointing as a remake. Look hard for Tetsuro Tamba and Miike as an assassin in the opening scene. With Renji Ishibashi, Shun Sugata, Rikia Yasuoka, Ryosuke Miki and Shingo Yamashiro.

GRAVEYARD SHIFT (central park drifter; central park driver; new york vampire) (1986 CAN) D/W: GERARD (JERRY) CICCORRITTI P: MICHAEL BOCKNER/ ROBERT BERGMAN More pretentious arty exploitation nonsense from the makers of PSYCHO GIRLS (1985). A vampire cab driver in New York (actually Toronto) is the main character. More watchable now than when it was new thanks to a dated 80s rock video-style look, but still not any good. THE UNDERSTUDY (1988) was a sequel.

GRAVEYARD SHIFT (1990 US) D/P: RALPH S. SINGLETON W: JOHN ESPOSITO P: WILLIAM J. DUNN David Andrews stars as a drifter who gets a job at a rat-infested textile mill in Maine (although you wouldn’t guess from the pathetic accent attempts). A barely seen underground monster attacks during an all-night basement clean-up. Based on a Stephen King short story from 1970 (which has several similarities to James Herbert’s later novel The Rats), it’s not good but I appreciated its very dingy and sleazy look, and Brad Dourif does a good turn as an intense (of course) ’nam vet rat catcher (“I ain’t one of those baby-burnin’ fuck-ups you see Bruce Dern playin’”). With Andrew Divoff and Stephen Macht.

GRAVEYARD TRAMPS See: INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS

GRAY MATTER See: THE BRAIN MACHINE

THE GREAT ADVENTURE OF HOLS (little norse prince; little norse prince valiant; prince of the sun; hols’ great adventure; the great adventure of little prince valiant; taiyo no oji: hols no daiboken) (1968 JPN ANIMATED) D: ISAO TAKAHATA W: KAZUO FUKAZAWA P: HIROSHI OKAWA Hols is a Norse fisherman’s boy with an axe, whose dying father points him in the direction of the fishing village where he was born, and from whence they fled when the evil sorcerer Grunwald used his destructive black magic. Hols finds the villagers hungry because of a giant pike (Grunwald’s work) eating all the fish in the river. Hols slays the beast and is welcomed into the village, along with his new friend, a singing, harpplaying young girl who seems conflicted and causes trouble (another of Grunwald’s spells). There’s a bit too much Disney-inspired talking animal cuteness, but overall I enjoyed this children’s adventure, particularly when a giant rock man helps Hols defeat Grunwald’s gigantic ice mammoth. Hayao Miyazaki was involved with backdrop design. He and director Takahata later formed the enormously successful Studio Ghibli production house.

THE GREAT ADVENTURE OF LITTLE PRINCE VALIANT See: THE GREAT ADVENTURE OF HOLS

THE GREAT AMERICAN GIRL ROBBERY See: CHEERLEADERS WILD WEEKEND

THE GREAT AMERICAN MASSACRE See: BLOODY WEDNESDAY

GREAT CONSPIRACY See: THE MASK OF VENJENCE

THE GREATE ANALOG WORLD (adventures of rod boy; adventure of the electric rod boy; adventure of denchu kozo; denchu kozo no boken) (1987 JPN) D/W/P: SHINYA TSUKAMOTO Most Tsukamoto fans know that he made a couple of pre-TETSUO shorts. THE PHANTOM OF REGULAR SIZE (from 1986) is still difficult to see, but this one is getting easier to find. (A recent TETSUO double bill Blu-ray carries it as an extra.) A schoolboy with an electric rod growing out of his back somehow travels to the future and discovers a world destroyed by vampires led by Tomoroh Taguchi. But forget the plot and concentrate on the amazing visuals and kinetic film editing techniques, ahead of their time and sure to be of interest for TETSUO fans. It’s about 45 mins long and is in colour. Tsukamoto and future ORGAN director Kei Fujiwara have parts. Taguchi’s punk band sing on the soundtrack.

THE GREAT ECSTASY OF THE WOODCARVER STEINER (die grobe ektase des bildschnitzers steiner) (1974 W.GER) D/W/P: WERNER HERZOG Walter Steiner is a professional ski-flyer (as opposed to ski-jumper) who’s such a natural and so good at what he does that it almost cripples his chances of being recognised for an official award, because a category can’t contain his spirit. At least that’s the feeling I take away from this remarkable 44 mins documentary that manages to capture the sublime, all too often elusive generally. Different viewers will take away something else, but you’ll be guaranteed to take away something. Herzog narrates and appears on-screen, like a sports commentator almost. The music is from Popol Vuh. Recommended.

GREAT HUNTING See: SAVAGE MAN… SAVAGE BEAST

THE GREAT ROCK’N’ROLL SWINDLE (1980 UK) D/W: JULIEN TEMPLE Originally meant to have been made (as “Who Killed Bambi?”) by Russ Meyer, this is an interesting mix of fact and fiction displaying how manager Malcolm McLaren (one of the most hated men in the music industry) supposedly pushed forward The Sex Pistols and marketed their controversial media image. The highlight is Sid Vicious singing My Way while shooting the audience (later recreated in SID AND NANCY). With Mary Millington, Ed Tudor-Pole, Irene Handl and Nancy Spungen. Director Temple later made amends (some punk purists hate this) by directing the anti-McLaren THE FILTH AND THE FURY. They would both make a fascinating, contradictory double bill.

THE GREAT SILENCE (le grand silence; il grande silenzio) (1968 ITL FRA) D/W: SERGIO CORBUCCI W: MARIO AMENDOLA/BRUNO CORBUCCI/VITTORIANO PETRILLI This great western is set in Utah during a great blizzard (a lot of shaving cream was used for snow). Outlaws (polygamist Mormons mayhaps?) stay hidden in the mountains and wait for an amnesty, scared of ruthless bounty killers, especially Loco (Klaus Kinski), a great, greedy villain. Silence (Jean-Louis Trintignant) is a mute with a Mauser Broomhandle automatic pistol. He’s hired by Vonetta McGee to kill Loco, as revenge for the death of her husband. The other main character is Frank Wolff, as the new county sheriff, trying to keep the peace. Luigi Pistilli is a venomous paymaster in charge of the bounties. The ending is memorably devastating and downbeat. Shot by Silvano Ippoliti in the Pyrenees in Spain, with a fine score from Ennio Morricone (but is it just me, or do parts of Loco’s theme recall Torgo’s theme from MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE?). With Mario Brega, Marisa Merlini, Raf Baldassarre, Mirella Pamphili, Fortunato Arena, Bruno Corazzari, Mimmo Poli and Claudio Ruffini. Corbucci’s other western from the same year was THE MERCENARY, but this is the one to watch. A dvd features an interview with long-time fan Alex Cox (I first saw this introduced by him on BBCTV’s Moviedrome), and the odd, alternate ending for some markets.

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY (1903 US) D/W: EDWIN S. PORTER W: SCOTT MARBLE The earliest known (silent) western clocks in at around 10 mins. Men rob a train, they shoot at a guy’s feet to make him dance and they’re finally shot. It ends with a gun firing out at the audience. Pretty revolutionary stuff. In b/w. With Gilbert M. “Broncho Billy” Anderson. It was remade the following year.

GREAT WHITE (1982) See: THE LAST SHARK

GREAT WHITE (jaws ‘98; shark) (1998 US) D/W: ZAC REEDER P: BRYAN TODD This awful shot-onvideo killer shark movie based on a true incident from 1916 doesn’t even have a proper shark. We just see a plastic fin cut through the water and then edited-in underwater nature footage of a shark. Bad actors with bad accents (it’s set in Australia) get killed in ridiculously shallow water after a great white swims up river. Bad teens say “you’re just a big wussy”. Terrible.

GREAT WHITE DEATH (1981 CAN) D/W/P: JEAN LEBEL Narrator Glenn Ford is our on-screen host for this documentary look at sharks and shark attacks around the world. Apparently “shark” comes from a German word meaning “villain”. This is just one of many throwaway facts I was happy to learn while watching this obscurity in the early hours of the morning, very drunk. Hearing Ford wax poetic about the “gods or demons” of the sea, watching great underwater footage from several different sources and seeing a shark autopsy was perfect prehangover entertainment. Particularly memorable is a look at the crews who maintain shark nets around the beaches of South Africa. One credited cinematographer is Ford Beebe. Could this be the veteran director who died aged 90 in 1978? Sober viewers searching for an accurate, calculating doc on sharks may be less impressed.

THE GREED See: DEEP RISING

THE GREED OF WILLIAM HART (horror maniacs) (1948 UK) D: OSWALD MITCHELL W: JOHN GILLING P: GILBERT CHURCH Burke and Hare — Tod Slaughter style! Now you know what kind of rip-snorting grand guignol to expect! With Henry Oscar. Great stuff. Gilling later directed movies for Hammer. Note that the notorious grave robbers’ names are never mentioned, very conspicuously overdubbed each time they are referred to.

GREEDY GUTS See: LITTLE OTIK

THE GREEN BERETS (1968 US) D: RAY KELLOGG/ MELVYN LE ROY/JOHN WAYNE W: JAMES LEE BARRETT/ COL. KENNETH B. FACEY P: MICHAEL WAYNE This overlong and clichéd war movie is of note only for being the lone pro-US involvement production made during the Vietnam War, and the famous final scene in which the sun sets in the East. John Wayne stars as the colonel who shows liberal reporter David Janssen just how things work in ’nam. There’s a little kid to pluck at your heartstrings, stock comic relief and Oriental music on the soundtrack. With Aldo Ray, Raymond St. Jacques, Bruce Cabot, Irene Tsu, Jim Hutton, Jason Evers, George Takei, Patrick Wayne, Chuck Roberson, Cliff Lyons and Charles Bail (CLEOPATRA JONES AND THE CASINO OF GOLD). Scenes with Vera Miles were deleted. Based on Robin Moore’s novel.

GREEN DESTINY See: CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON

THE GREEN HORNET (2010 US) D: MICHEL GONDRY W: SETH ROGEN/EVAN GOLDBERG P: NEAL H. MORITZ George W. Trendle’s radio hero had been the subject of two 40s serials, a 60s tv show and a movie out of Hong Kong before Hollywood took a crack at a feature film. Unfortunately for fans of vintage thrills hoping for a souped-up modern action adventure, they cast Seth Rogen as the titular character and even let him write the damn thing (with PINEAPPLE EXPRESS partner Goldberg, both executive producers). What a surprise, Hollyweird lets us down again, but let’s work with what we’ve got. Rogen is Britt Reid, a spoilt, wealthy layabout who inherits his dead father’s (Tom Wilkinson) newspaper. Taiwanese idol Jay Chou is Kato, his chauffeur. Together they become a costumed crime-fighting team (Kato does all the martial arts) with a customised bulletproof car loaded with gadgets. Played for laughs, it’s almost an effective (if very broad) parody of the hero-and-sidekick relationship. There are (scattered) decent laughs, Rogen is actually well cast and less irritating than elsewhere and Gondry gives it all an interesting style (it was also originally in super-fluous 3D). Action-wise, it’s passable, with some ok destructive set pieces. Overall, more enjoyable than I expected, but I was expecting atrocious. If they’d have left out some of the smuttier comedy, it would make a pretty good kids’ film. Christoph Waltz is an amusing villain. With Cameron Diaz, David Harbour, Edward James Olmos, Edward Furlong, James Franco, The Wire’s Chad Coleman as Chilli and Jamie (son of Richard) Harris. A Reid vs Kato fight seems inspired by THE PINK PANTHER movies.

GREEN INFERNO (cannibal holocaust 2; natura contro; paradiso infernale) (1988 ITL) D/W: ANTONIO CLIMATI W: LORENZO CASTELLANO/FRANCO PROSPERI/ FEDERICO MOCCIA/MARIO MERCO An anthropologist (who narrates), a female reporter and some other guy travel into the Amazon to search for a missing professor and the legendary gold of El Dorado. They live and travel with natives, hunt monkeys with a blowgun and witness a rival tribe’s castration with snake. Despite the alternate title it has nothing to do with CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, but does sometimes resemble a toned-down version of that classic. A “cannibal fish” swims up someone’s arsehole, bats attack and there’s a look at shrunken heads. It’s diverting stuff with excellent location photography. With Sal Borgese and a monster truck. Unsurprisingly, Climati also made mondo movies like SAVAGE MAN… SAVAGE BEAST.

THE GREEN JADE STATUETTE (killers game; san diy lau sing kuen; shen dao liu xing quan) (1978 HK) D: LEE TSO NAM W: CHUNG XIN YI Agreeable if unremarkable kung fu mystery concerning the title stolen valuable. With Chi Kuan Chen, Mang Fei, Wong Goon Hung, Lung Fei, Leung Kar Yan, Shan Mao, Lung Fong, Woo Gam, Phillip Ko Fei, Sit Hon, Lee Keung, Pang Gang (who also choreographed the action), Ching Kuo Chung, Shih Ting Ken, Wong Chi Sang and Cho Boon Feng.

THE GREEN SLIME (gamma sango uchu daisakusen) (1968 JPN US ITL) D: KINJI FUKASAKU/ KATSUHIRO TAGUCHI W: TAKEROU KANEKO/ CHARLES SINCLAIR/TOM ROWE/BILL FINGER W/P: IVAN REINER P: WALTER MANLEY Fun Japanese-US co-production (the first?) stars Robert Horton as the leader of an expedition to destroy a mysterious asteroid on collision course with Earth. One of the crew carries some green ooze back to the Gamma 3 space-station on his suit and soon there’s green tentacled one-eyed monsters (that feed on electricity) running around and multiplying like mad. Chuck in some cool laser guns, silly sci-fi and Richard Jaeckel and Luciana Paluzzi and you have an enjoyable enough slice of hokum. Oddly enough there appears to be no Japanese performers on-screen. Fukasaku (who made the incredibly different BLACK LIZARD the same year) is often solely credited with the direction, but Taguchi’s name is there as well (at least, on the Japanese print I saw).

GREEN SNAKE (ching sau; qing she) (1993 HK) D/P: TSUI HARK W: LILIAN LEE P: NG SEE YUEN Maggie Cheung and Joey Wong are snake demon sisters (the non-evil kind) trying to become human by wooing a young scholar. Lao Wen Zhiou (he was Wong Fei Hung in ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA 4 and 5) is a self-righteous Shaolin monk who does more harm than good in a surprisingly anti-clerical plot. This visually stunning (apart from some dodgy FX) fantasy surprised me by being very good and having an emotionally evocative climax. It’s based on a classic Chinese tale. With Tin Fung.

GREMLINS (1984 US) D: JOE DANTE W: CHRIS COLOMBUS P: MIKE FINNELL This horror comedy hit was one of the more enjoyable major successes of the 80s. Zach Gallligan is the teen hero who’s given a cute furry Mogwai called Gizmo for Christmas by his inventor father (Hoyt Axton). Of course, as we all know, Galligan ignores the instructions for looking after it and baby Gizmos that turn into evil, violent demon things appear and take over the town. Keye Luke (who used to be Charlie Chan) is the wisened old Asian guy who sells Gizmo, Phoebe Cates is Galligan’s girlfriend and Dick Miller and Jackie Joseph are… well, Dick Miller and Jackie Joseph. With Scott Brady, Harry Carey Jr., Corey Feldman, Judge Reinhold, Kenneth Tobey, William Schallert, Don Steele, Glynn Turman, Edward Andrews, Chuck Jones, Nicky Katt, Jonathan Banks, Jerry Goldsmith, Robby the Robot with Marvin Miller’s voice and Chris Walas FX. It’s perfect for kids.

GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH (1990 US) D: JOE DANTE W: CHARLES HAAS P: MILE FINNELL The original was such a hit that Warner’s went all-out on this expensive over-the-top production. It’s a shame that it flopped because it’s fun (even if it does have a duff message ending). This time Gremlins (including mutant spider, bat, electric and talking ones) take over an NYC high-rise office building (owned by a funny John Glover). It even turns into a musical at one point and Gizmo does a Rambo impersonation. With Galligan, Cates, Miller, Joseph, Luke, Christopher Lee, Robert Prosky, Kathleen Freeman, Paul Bartel, John Astin, Henry Gibson, Kenneth Tobey, Dick Butkus, Bubba Smith, Daffy Duck, Leonard Maltin, Robert Picardo, Patrika Darbo, Time Winters, Jerry Goldsmith, Rick Ducommun, John Capodice, Raymond Cruz, Julia Sweeney, Dean Norris and Dante. The film breaks halfway through HELLZAPOPPIN’-style and there were different gags for the cinema and video release. The theatre version featured Hulk Hogan and the video had a nudist camp flick clip. Despite the many great Rick Baker and Steve Wang FX, you can’t beat the sight of Baker’s OCTAMAN monster suit on a tv. Frank Marshall, Kathleen Kennedy and Spielberg were executive producers.

GRETA, THE MAD BUTCHER (ilsa, the wicked warden; ilsa, the absolute power; greta, the mad torturer; greta, the sadist, wanda, the wicked warden. greta, haus ohne mannen) (1977 SWITZ W.GER) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO W/P: ERWIN C. DIETRICH Dyanne Thorne is Greta, who runs a “psychiatric clinic”/prison in the South American jungle. A woman infiltrates (with the help of a doctor played by Franco) to find her missing sister. It copies ILSA movies and was retitled as a sequel. Despite the nudity, the rest of the atrocities are implied rather than explicitly shown, making it tamer than the official series (and pretty boring). Lina Romay is the inmate spy and Thorne’s lesbian plaything who gets acid injected into her vagina. It’s one of four women-in-prison movies by Franco for producer Dietrich. The others were ISLAND WOMEN (1980), BARBED WIRE DOLLS and LOVE LETTERS OF A PORTUGESE NUN (which isn’t really a women-inprison movie, but the spirit is there). This uses the same sets as DOLLS.

GREY MATTER See: THE BRAIN MACHINE

THE GRIFTERS (1990 US) D: STEPHEN FREARS W: DONALD E. WESTLAKE P: MARTIN SCORSESE/ ROBERT A. HARRIS/JIM PAINTER John Cusack is a small-con grifter, Anjelica Huston is his estranged racketeering mother, and Annette Benning is his scheming lover in this excellent Jim Thompson adaptation. The plot involves stolen money, double-crosses, murder and incest and there’s a few shocking surprises. Pat Hingle is scary as the violent Bobo, and Charles Napier is here, too. With J.T. Walsh (“he was so crooked he could eat soup with a corkscrew”), Stephen Tobolowsky, Henry Jones, Jeremy Piven, Gailard Sartain, Frances Bay, Xander Berkeley and Juliet Landau.

GRIM (kong) (1995 UK) D/W: PAUL MATTHEWS P: ELIZABETH MATTHEWS The houses in the suburbs of Woodland Hills seem to be sinking into the ground, the area being situated over a network of caves. Amateur sleuths bicker and argue as they descend into the caves to root out the problem. A couple of them secretly know that it’s a (man-in-a-suit) monster who can pop through portals in the ground, having summoned it accidentally with a Ouija board. My favourite part in this stupid, cheap horror flick with tacky visual FX is when the monster grabs a woman in her sofa chair from her living room and pulls her underground. The makeshift expedition find the sofa chair, and the girl chained-up. I didn’t realise until after watching the thing that it was shot in England (including Clearwell Caves in Gloucestershire), so I guess the Brit cast’s American accents were more convincing than usual.

GRIM COMPANY See: THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972)

THE GRIMM BROTHERS’ SNOW WHITE See: SNOW WHITE: A TALE OF TERROR

THE GRIM REAPER (1976 US) D/W: RON ORMOND Here’s another Bible-bashing hour from the Ormonds. Guest star the Rev. Jack Van Impe refuses to lie at a funeral service about a young dead stock car racer’s place in Heaven, because he didn’t accept Christ. His father has difficulty accepting the faith until a nightmarish vision of Hell (apparently real burning tires provided the acrid, smoky atmosphere) comes to him, mom sees the spirit of her son call out for help only to be dragged back by a demon. Tim Ormond is the other “good Christian” son (he helped dad edit and photograph). June Ormond appears as Witch (and supplied makeup and set design). Jerry Falwell is another guest star who teaches Christianity in the most strict, unforgiving, relentless manner. There’s some good stock car race crash footage. Shot in Mississippi. May God have mercy on your soul!

THE GRIM REAPER (1980) See: ANTHROPOPHAGOUS THE BEAST

GRIM WEEKEND (the haunted weekend: s.i.c.k.: serial insane clown killer) (2003 US) D/W/P: BOB WILLEMS W/P: KEN HEBERT Two couples and a girl they pick up in a bar drive to a secluded house in the woods for the weekend. The highly irritating characters argue, accuse each other and are pretty useless when one girl goes missing. A fat clown with an axe decapitates her. The rest of them barricade themselves in, as if it were a zombie movie. After all this crap and overuse of flashbacks as comic relief, a stupid, predictable surprise ending arrives, and it ends with a jazz (!) theme tune.

GRINGO See: STORY OF A JUNKIE

THE GRIP OF FEAR See: EXPERIMENT IN TERROR

GRIZZLY (killer grizzly) (1976 US) D: WILLIAM GIRDLER W/P: HARVEY FLAXMAN/DAVID SHELDON A big killer grizzly bear terrorises campers at a forest reserve in this land-locked JAWS copy. Christopher George is the forest ranger who gets to blow it up with a rocket launcher at the end. Richard Jaeckel is a trapper. No-nonsense entertainment is quite fun. With Andrew Prine, Girdler regular Charles Kissinger and writer-producer Flaxman. CLAWS was an awful rip-off the following year. Amazingly, I recently noticed an online vendor with a supply of uncut GRIZZLY REDUX (!) DVDs.

GROOVY GHOULIE GARAGE See: CREEPTALES

GROSSE POINTE BLANK (pointe blank) (1997 US) D: GEORGE ARMITAGE W: TOM JANCIEWICZ/D.V. DeVINCENTIS/STEVE PINK/JOHN CUSACK P: SUSAN ARNOLD/DONNA ARKOFF ROTH/ROGER BIRNBAUM Cusack stars as a government agent hitman who goes back to his home town after 10 years for a hit (and a class reunion). He falls in love with his childhood sweetheart (Minnie Driver) again while other agents track him. This comedy is a little over-hip and kookie, but is pretty enjoyable and parts are funny (the class reunion scenes are on-target). With Alan Arkin as a psychiatrist, Dan Aykroyd, Joan Cusack, Jeremy Piven, Mitch Ryan, Hank Azaria and Benny Urquidez. Armitage also directed HIT MAN, MIAMI BLUES and wrote DARKTOWN STRUTTERS.

THE GROTESQUE (grave indiscretion; gentlemen don’t eat poets) (1995 UK) D: JOHN PAUL DAVIDSON W: PATRICK McGRATH P: TRUDIE STYLER This terrible, aimless, boring movie has Alan Bates overacting as the owner of a mansion where he lives with his wife Theresa Russell and daughter Lena Headey. Sting is the devious new servant who moves in with his wife and starts to break up the already fragmenting family. Someone is murdered. Based on McGrath’s novel (as was Cronenberg’s SPIDER). With Jim Carter, Anna Massey, John Mills, James Fleet, Steven Mackintosh and Annette Badland.

GROUND ZERO See: DEF CON 4

GROUPY (victim; ejiki) (1980 JPN) D: KOJI WAKAMATSU W: HARUHIKO ARAII/JUN TAKADA/DERU DEGUCHI Real-life rocker Yuya Uchida (who later made EROTIC LIAISONS with Wakamatsu) stars as a dope-smoking musician who returns from New York to Japan, wanting to promote a reggae band called Salty Dog (who I assume we are hearing on the soundtrack throughout). He soon gets fed-up with all his former friends who are now either salaried company men promoting idol-driven pop music, or junkies. In the end we’re supposed to feel for the rebel as he’s “driven” to shooting passers-by from a rooftop with a revolver, before being gunned-down himself. What a stupid film. With Gajiro Sato, Rikia Yasuoka, Haruo Chikada, Temme Hanno and Akira Takarada.

THE GRUDGE (the ju-on) (2004 US JPN) D: TAKASHI SHIMIZU W: STEPHEN SUSCO P: SAM RAIMI/ROBERT G. TAPERT/TAKA ICHISE After making four JU-ON films in Japan (see reviews), Shimizu got to helm this surprise hit Hollywood version, starring Americans in Tokyo. Sarah Michelle Gellar is a student care worker who discovers something is not quite right when she pays a visit to bedridden Grace Zabriskie. The once scary concept was already beginning to wear a little thin in the previous instalment, so this is unlikely to impress followers of the series. But it did seem to provide some weird foreign thrills for American multiplex teens who were looking for more RING-esque Asian scares. With Ted Raimi, Jason Behr, Clea DuVall, Bill Pullman, William Mapother, Ka Dee Strickland and Ryo Ishibashi (speaking English) as a cop.

THE GRUDGE 2 (the ju-on 2) (2006 US) D: TAKASHI SHIMIZU W: STEPHEN SUSCO P: SAM RAIMI/ROBERT TAPERT/TAKA ICHISE This very strained sequel has some ok shock scenes (although never as good as previous entries, and some are reruns), but the excuse for a story interrupts these with long stretches of dull characters doing and saying dull things. It takes place in both Tokyo and Chicago, and has little to add to the once fertile-for-scares concept. Amber Tamblyn and HK idol Edison Chen star, with Arielle Kebbel, Jennifer Beals, Teresa Palmer, cute Misako Uno (from idol group AAA), Sarah Michelle Gellar in a cameo, Joanna Cassidy and Ryo Ishibashi seen on video. Downsized for the direct-to-tv THE GRUDGE 3 (2009).

THE GRUESOME TWOSOME (1967 US) D/P: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS P: (ALLISON) LOUISE DOWNE A seemingly kindly old woman opens a wig shop on a college campus. The wigs are so realistic because her retarded basement-dwelling goon son Rodney (Chris Martell) scalps pretty young female students for their hair. Not one of Lewis’ best, but the gore is over-the-top and it’s fun enough. Originally it ran too short for a feature, so a prologue with talking wig stand heads was added to round it out! Look for Ray Sager.

G-SILENT PARTNER See: THE SILENT PARTNER

THE G-SPOT See: THE GRAFENBERG SPOT

GUANA, KING OF THE BARBARIANS See: THE INVICIBLE BARBARIAN

THE GUARD FROM UNDERGROUND (security guard from hell; jigoku no keibiin) (1992 JPN) D/W: KIYOSHI KUROSAWA W: KUNIHIKO TOMIYOKA P: SUSUMU MIYASAKE/TAKASHI IKOMA A young woman (Makiko Kuno from XX: BEAUTIFUL HUNTER) starts her new job buying and selling valuable paintings at an office high-rise. A big, psychotic former sumo wrestler and suspected murderer (Yutaku Matsushige) is the security guard who seems infatuated with her, and eventually starts killing off her co-workers. Weirdo Ren Osugi (who sports a leopard skin cap!) is the first to go. Extremely slowmoving horror never really builds any suspense, and lacks visceral shocks. Pretty boring. With Hatsunori Hasegawa, Tomoko Onuki, Takashi Naito, Kenzo Kato, Taro Suwa and Yoriko Douguchi (star of Kurosawa’s BUMPKIN SOUP from 1985). The director made something called YAKUZA TAXI (1994) next.

THE GUARDIAN (1989 US) D/W: WILLIAM FRIEDKIN W: STEPHEN VOLK/DAN GREENBURG P: JOE WIZAN You might enjoy this nutty Friedkin update of FROM HELL IT CAME. Jenny Seagrove becomes Carey Lowell’s new nanny for the kids. But it turns out she’s a Druid who sacrifices babies to a killer tree! The parts where the tree attacks some bikers and gets chainsawed (it spews lots of blood) are the funny and gory highlights. With Miguel Ferrer, Theresa Randle and Xander Berkeley, Steve Johnson provides FX. Based on Dan Greenburg’s novel.

GUARDIAN (defender) (2000 US) D/W: JOHN TERLESKY W: JEFF YAGHER/GARY J. TUNNICLIFFE P: PAUL HERTZBERG This mess of a movie makes little sense, is derivative and not in the least bit entertaining. Mario Van Peebles is a cop and ex-Marine who has to protect a 12-year-old prophet from an ancient Sumerian demon (I think) which possesses a string of human host bodies (like THE HIDDEN). Ice T turns up briefly to deal a drug called Chaos that turns users into mass killers (an unresolved subplot). In a ridiculous MATRIX-inspired scene, Karina Lombard uses wirework to backflip off a wall for no reason at all. With James Remar as Peebles’ partner, Dey Young, Joseph R. Cacia, Marshall Manesh and David Hugh Kelly. It sucks.

GUARDIAN ANGEL (beyond justice) (1993 US) D: RICHARD W. MUNCHKIN W: JACOBSEN HART P: RICHARD PEPIN/JOSEPH MERHI Cynthia Rothrock stars as an ex-cop bodyguard hired to protect a playboy “connoisseur of women” whose violent French ex (and cop-killing counterfeiter) has broken out of jail. Like most generic action PM releases, there are shoot-outs, martial arts, car crashes, none of it any good.

GUARDIANS OF THE DEEP See: THE SHARK HUNTER (1979)

GUARDS OF SHAOLIN See: NINJA VS SHAOLIN GUARDS

THE GUERILLAS See: KILLER ARMY

GUILTY AS CHARGED (time to die) (1991 US) D: SAM IRVIN W: CHARLES GALE P: RANDOLPH GALE Chicago meat-packing warehouse owner Rod Steiger is sick of politicians taking bribes and criminals avoiding the death penalty, so he sets up an electric chair in the basement and kidnaps paroled ex-cons he believes God wants him to execute. In an inspired bit of casting, both Isaac Hayes and Irwin Keyes are his assistants. Meanwhile a congressman running for state governor commits murder and allows a young black mugger to take the rap. Linking the plot strands is a naïve young parole officer and political campaigner (Heather Graham). This cartoonish satire is not that good, but different. With Lauren Hutton, Zelda Rubinstein, Mitch Pileggi and Michael Beach.

GUINEA PIG: DEVIL’S EXPERIMENT (guinea pig: akuma no jikken) (1985 JPN) D/W: ? (HIDESHI HINO?) P: SATORU OGURA Here’s the first in a notorious series that was investigated by the FBI as a snuff movie! As entertainment it’s not exactly recommended. But as an exercise in passive-sadistic voyeurism, it’s pretty effective. A girl is put through a series of atrocities by a gang of young male dominators. She’s beaten up, mentally and physically tortured, has maggots put in her open wounds, her hands are smashed, she’s covered in animal guts (while her captors giggle) and more, until she is eventually killed. In keeping with the snuff gimmick, a disclaimer at the beginning explains how the video was received in the mail and the police are still checking for leads. This surprisingly convincing (the FX are excellent) 40 mins production really divides viewers, but regardless of personal taste, it’s undeniably impressive in doing what it sets out to do.

GUINEA PIG 2: FLOWERS OF FLESH AND BLOOD (guinea pig 2: chiniku no hana) (1985 JPN) D/W: HIDESHI HINO P: SATORU OGURA This follow up is more campy than the original, but is still pretty shocking, especially for the unprepared. A guy in a plastic samurai outfit kidnaps a young girl, straps her to a table in his underground lair and proceeds to disembowel her. He also cuts off her limbs. decapitates her and sucks on her juicy eyeball. He enjoys a post-coital cigarette and shows us the remains of other victims (from whence the title comes). The FX are very impressive and it’s probably the closest to a real snuff movie as most will ever want to see, but you’d have to be an idiot like Charlie Sheen to report it to the FBI. The series continued, but the focus shifted to dark comedy.

THE GUINEA PIG 2: ANDROID OF NOTRE DAME (1988 JPN) D/W: KAZUHITO KURAMOTO A second part two in the series (from a different video company) stars midget Toshihiko Hino as a scientist trying to find a cure for his terminally ill girlfriend. His test subjects (comatose naked women) are used in strange experiments that always go violently wrong. This cheap gore-comedy is more silly than disturbing (the earlier GUINEA PIGS were pretty different) and at 50 mins is junk food at its most disposable/enjoyable. With Mio Takaki. The director also made the first two SEX BEAT ON CAMPUS sequels.

GUINEA PIG 3: HE NEVER DIES (guinea pig 3: senritsu! shinanai otoko) (1986 JPN) D: MASAYUKI HISAZUMI Another 39 mins of gory nonsense. Comedian Masahiro Sato is a put-upon office worker no one notices. He stays at home from work and tries to kill himself by slitting his wrists. The bleeding stops immediately. He cuts off his hand. No joy. He removes his own guts and at the end is just a head on a table. His co-workers arrive to clean up the mess in his room. The end. With Rie Shibata. A white guy introduces it all from behind a desk. [Illus.]

GUINEA PIG 4: DEVIL WOMAN DOCTOR (guinea pig 4: pter no akuma no joi-san) (1990 JPN) D: HAJIME EJIKI Celebrity transvestite Peter is a “devil woman doctor” sadist who introduces several short vignettes starring her patients. Naoto Takenaka is the head of a disgraced family whose heads explode when they are upset. A guy has a talking monster in his stomach. A tv reporter covers the opening of a human parts buffet. A guy continues to walk around and go shopping with his girlfriend after he dies and begins to decompose. Entrails in a box attack people on the streets etc. It’s all very silly and very gory. The only part I liked was the final “iron pie fight”. It runs about 50 mins.

GUINEA PIG: MERMAID IN A MANHOLE (guinea pig: manhole no naka no ningyo) (1988 JPN) D: HIDESHI HINO Manga illustrator Hino returned with this (unnumbered) entry, I suspect just prior to or just after ANDROID OF NOTRE DAME. An artist finds a toxic waste-infected mermaid in the sewer. He takes her home and paints her picture from the multicoloured pus she oozes. He falls in love, so hacks her to death to end her suffering. At least it’s different.

GULP See: PLEASE DON’T EAT MY MOTHER

GUMMO (1997 US) D/W: HARMONY KORINE P: CARY WOODS After writing KIDS, Korine got to make this much better and much more worrying look at white trash kids (and adults) and their day to day existence. The (mostly amateur) performers are so convincing, it does seem to be a documentary at times (actually some of the cast are non-actors). Touching, hilarious, scary and insightful in equal measures it comes highly recommended. The nearest comparison that springs to mind is EVEN DWARFS STARTED SMALL. With Max Perlich, Chloe Sevigny, Linda Manz and Korine trying to proposition a dwarf. The soundtrack is used to great effect.

GUN CRAZY (deadly is the female) (1949 US) D: JOSEPH H. LEWIS W: “MILLARD KAUFMAN”(DALTON TRUMBO)/MACKINLAY KANTOR P: FRANK & MAURICE KING John Dall is a small-town shooting expert who meets the wild, sexy Peggy Cummins in a carnival shooting gallery (“we go together like guns and ammunition”) in one of the classic low-budget thrillers of the 40s. Semi-based on both a newspaper story from Kantor and the Bonnie and Clyde legend, Dall and Cummins become a bank-robbing fugitive couple living on the edge. You may have read about the great b/w photography, the innovative camerawork or the hard-boiled dialogue, see the film and you probably won’t notice a lot of these things first time because it’s so damn entertaining! With Russ Tamblyn, Don Beddoe, Harry Hayden, Charles McGraw, Anne O’Neal, Dale Van Sickel and Ray Teal. Trumbo had been recently blacklisted during the Communist hunts of Hollywood.

GUNFIRE (1978) See: CHINA 9, LIBERTY 37

GUN FOR HIRE See: MAN WITH A GUN

A GUN FOR JENNIFER (1996 US) D/W: TODD MORRIS W/P: DEBORAH TWISS Twiss is Jennifer, who joins an all-female gang of vigilante avengers who target rapists (like in RAPE SQUAD) in this irritating indie feature that thinks it’s outrageous exploitation entertainment but falls seriously short. In fact I had the misfortune of meeting the filmmakers in person at a (Eurofest) screening in London. With Eric Mabius and Arthur J. Nascarelli.

GUNHED (1989 JPN) D/W: MASATO HARADA W: JAMES BANNON P: TETSHIA YANADA In the future a crew of irritating Anglo-Japanese bandits led by Masahiro Tanaka try to steal valuable computer chips from a small island ruined by the “great robot war”. They must fight for survival when they awaken the master security robot. There’s some nice FX and miniature work, but the script and direction are terrible. I found it very hard to stay awake. With Mickey Curtis and Jay Kabira.

GUNLAW See: DAY OF WRATH (1967)

GUNMAN IN THE STREETS (time running out; gangster at bay) (1950 FRA) D: FRANK TUTTLE W: JACQUES COMPANEZ W/P: VICTOR PAHLEN Dane Clark is a criminal busted-out of a police van on the way to court in Paris. He goes on the run and uses his nice, loyal, mistreated moll (Simone Signoret) to get him money to escape to Belgium. This once rare b/w noir thriller was never released theatrically in America, so the dvd release got the “lost gem” treatment. It’s always nice to dig-up anything obscure, but this is only just above average at best. With Fernand Gravey, Edmond Ardisson, Albert Dinan, Tedy Bilis, Dominique Marcas and Jean-Paul Moulinot. Filmed back to back with a French-language version (LA TRAQUE) that had a different director and cast. There’s also a French remake of the same name from 1975.

GUNMEN (tian luo di wang; tin law dei mong) (1988 HK) D: CHE-KIRK WONG W: LAW GAM-FAI/ LIP WANG-FUNG P: CHAN WAI-KEUNG/PEGGY LEE Tony Leung stars as a former Chinese Civil War soldier who becomes a ranking policeman in 1930s Shanghai. Now destitute war buddies team up with him to fight an opium dealer who once held them as POWs. Carrie Ng is Leung’s wife, Elizabeth Lee is a helpful, doomed hooker and Elvis Tsui is a pain-in-the-arse by-the-book superior. In the English subtitles Lee’s character is called Mona Fong (ask a Shaw Bros fan if you don’t get it)! It all ends with a violent shootout. A pretty good period setting “heroic bloodshed” flick, but no classic. With Adam Cheng, Waise Lee, Mark Cheng, David Wu Dai-Wai (also the editor), Andrew Kam, Yuen Bun, James Ha and Tenky Tin Kai-Man. Hoh Cheuk-Wing, Teddy Chen and Jue Wai-Gwong were assistant directors. Andrew Lau was cinematographer. Huang Ha was assistant action director. Bruce Law provides vehicular stunts. From (executive producer) Tsui Hark’s Film Workshop.

GUNMEN (1994 US) D: DERAN SARAFIAN W: STEPHEN SOMMERS P: LAURENCE MARK/JOHN DAVIS/JOHN FLOCK Mario Van Peebles is a New York special ops cop in South America who busts outlaw Christopher Lambert out of jail so he can locate a boat with $400m of drug money in gold. Patrick Stewart (who has a weird accent and has his wife buried alive) hires hitman Denis Leary (and his cronies) to sort them out. With Brenda Bakke, Sally Kirkland, Big Daddy Kane, Richard C. Sarafian, Humberto Elizondo, Miguel Angel Fuentes, Kid Frost, Rakim, Dr. Dre and Eric B. This over-the-top spaghetti western/heroic bloodshed copy is nothing special, but entertaining enough if you’re in the right mood. From the director of TERMINAL VELOCITY. Lambert and Peebles top-billed HIGHLANDER 3 together the same year.

GUN MOLL See: JIGSAW

GUNPOWDER (1985 UK) D: NORMAN J. WARREN W: RORY H. MacLEAN P: MAXINE JULIUS Here’s an (understandably) obscure penultimate outing (his last was BLOODY NEW YEAR) from Warren (director of the underrated PREY and several other horror hits in the 70s), a must-see for connoisseurs of woefully pathetic Brit spy movies (there must be someone who fits that description). When the European economy is flooded with gold that will devalue everything and cause the world’s economic structure to collapse (who will befit is never made clear), head of Interpol Gordon Jackson calls in (Mike) Gunn (who may or may not have an American accent) and Powder (an extremely camp and style-conscious karate expert who files his nails, double-entendres and is made to ride a silly little motorbike). They are to locate a kidnapped female metallurgist (hijacked by milk-float), forced to help a mad scientist in “France” (it was all filmed in Cheshire, but a brief shot of a man in a beret and stripy jumper sets the scene!) perfect liquid gold, to be transported in milk cartons. Along the way Gunn is seduced by a woman named Coffee Carradine (their silly, hard-to-believe foreplay scene involves the non-sexy utterings of different brands of cheese “Edam, edam, edam…”), and Powder must fight the extremely hard Cream Twins (they crush gold bars with their bare hands). Another fight scene takes place in a caravan that must have been made from cardboard it breaks so easily. I also liked the non-exciting countrylane car chase (some hay bales are knocked over and another car is covered in slurry for thrills) that does at least end surprisingly when a car does (really) go over a cliff. Obviously, there’s a lot for those of an acquired taste; others stay well clear, please.

THE GUNS AND THE KILLERS See: KILLERS (1996)

GUNSLINGER (1956 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: CHARLES B. GRIFFTH/MARK HANNA The last of Corman’s early westerns, this copies JOHNNY GUITAR, has tough women (as in his SWAMP WOMEN) and is good minimal fun for fans. Beverly Garland is the town marshal and Allison Hayes is the villainess who runs a saloon! John Ireland is the hired killer in the middle. The cast also includes Jonathan Haze, Dick Miller, Bruno VeSota and William Schallert! With George Offerman. It’s from the pre-AIP ARC. The following year Corman kicked-off with horror and sci-fi like ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS and NOT OF THIS EARTH.

GUNS’N’TALKS (killerdeului suda) (2001 S.KOR) D/W: JIN JANG P: WOO SUK KANG Hyeon Jun Shin, Ha Kyun Shin, Bin Won and Jae Yeong Jeong star as four young assassins in this excellent black comedy action drama. Jin Yeong Jeong is the detective on their trail. The likeable quartet also have to deal with vengeful schoolgirls, an incomplete hit on a pregnant woman, love, bad cooking and mistakes in the narrative in this fresh, surprising and sometimes very funny and inventive slice of new Korean Cinema. With Gyu Su Jeong, Ji Yeong Kim and Hyo Jin Kong.

GUTS OF A BEAUTY See: ENTRAILS OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

GUTS OF A VIRGIN See: ENTRAILS OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

GUTS OF A VIRGIN 2 See: ENTRAILS OF A VIRGIN

GUTS OF A VIRGIN 3 See: FEMALE INQUISITOR

GUYANA: CRIME OF THE CENTURY (guyana: cult of the damned; guyana: el crimen del siglo) (1979 PAN MEX SPN) D/W: RENÉ CARDONA JR. This trashy expose of the Jim Jones cult is pretty entertaining. Stuart Whitman is James Johnson, who takes his followers to Johnsontown (!) where they commit mass suicide. In one scene a kid is covered in snakes for stealing. With Gene Barry, John Ireland, Joseph Cotten, Yvonne De Carlo, Bradford Dillman, Hugo Stiglitz, Carlos East, Tito Junco, Leonor Llausas and Enrique Lucero. GUYANA TRAGEDY was a (surprisingly worthwhile) tv miniseries the following year (with Powers Boothe as Jones). Don’t forget you can also get the audio recording of the actual Jonestown poisoning, on CD, cassette and download, to delight your friends and family.

THE GUY FROM HARLEM (1976 US) D: RENE MARTINEZ JR. W: GARDENIA MARTINEZ Here’s a contender for worst black action movie ever (beware, I do not mean that affectionately). A private detective in Miami (who’s from Harlem, hence the misleading title) is asked by the CIA to look after an African chief of state’s wife on a visit. He does; they hang around in a room for what seems like forever and flirt. With that problem solved (!), our horny hero rescues a kidnapped girl from her white captors. He uses bad kung fu in truly pathetic fight scenes. Funky music pops up on the soundtrack occasionally to make us think we’re watching something exciting. It doesn’t work. Martinez made this between the only slightly less obscure ROAD OF DEATH (1973) (a biker movie) and SUPER SOUL BROTHER (1979) (a black superhero comedy).

THE GUYS FROM PARADISE (tengoku kara kita otoko-tachi) (2000 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: IZO HASHIMOTO/ITAKU ERA P: MIYOSHI HIKAWA/SHIGEYUKI YASAMURA/KENICHIRO SHIMABUKURO/ SOGAKU KOGA Japanese businessman Koji Kikkawa is sent to a prison in Manila, the Philippines, on serious drug charges. Soon realising that only money can get him out of the place, he works as a courier for well-off Japanese inmate Tsutomu Yamazaki. There’s more to this story of Third World corruption, gangsters and business politics, but it drags on for far too long without much of a pay off to care much. Does benefit from nice location work, though, and attempting to do something different. Based on a novel by Yoji Hayashi. With Kennichi Endo, Kazuhiko Kanayama, Nene Otsuka, Hua Rong Wong, Monsour Del Rosario and cameos from Mitsuhiro Oikawa and Naoto Takenaka.

GUYVER (mutronics) (1991 US) D: SCREAMING MAD GEORGE/STEVE WANG W: JON PURDY P: BRIAN YUZNA Yoshiki Takaya’s manga about a suit of bio-armour that turns the user superhuman became an animated tv series, and this disappointing live action rubber monster movie, that should have been much better. Jack Armstrong stars as the young hero with a temper who becomes the Guyver. Vivian Wu is his girlfriend and the daughter of a murdered scientist working for (great) villain David Gale’s Chronos corporation (bound for global domination). Michael Berryman is one of Gale’s henchmen. Mark Hamill is a CIA agent who turns into a bug. Jeffrey Combs is a scientist and Linnea Quigley demonstrates what a great screamer she is. With Peter Spellos and first assistant/ second unit director Thomas C. Rainone. The Japanese Osaka-born Screaming Mad George (who also translated the subtitles for the Japanese release version I saw) usually works on FX, so that area is well covered. The main problem is too much pathetic fanboy comedy.

GUYVER: DARK HERO (1994 US) D/W/P: STEVE WANG W: NATHAN LONG A different actor replaces Armstrong in this overlong, cheaper-looking and much more serious sequel with too much talk and not enough action. Fans of the manga may prefer it, though, as it’s darker and closer in tone to the original story (and the Guyver suit is more faithful to the original design). The plot revolves around an archeological dig for a big, organic alien spaceship in Utah, and there’s more man-in-a-monster-suit Zoanoids.

THE GUY WITH SECRET KUNG FU (cai yang nu bang zhu; choi yeung lui bung chu) (1981 HK) D: JOE LAW CHI W: LIE GE SHOW P: TAN SIU LIN/K.P. KEUNG Here’s another kung fu obscurity from the late-70s/early 80s saturation period. It’s not quite satisfying and drags a little but has enough fighting (choreographed by Chan Muk Chuen) and semi-supernatural elements to make it worthwhile for addicted completists. Meng Fei and Nancy Yen star as young fighters at the beginning of the Qing dynasty who refuse to conform. They must learn Dragon Fist to fight the villainous Dragon Gang. Cheng Fu Hung (a fat bearded character actor familiar from various titles of the period) is turned into a robotic “demon” (he’s also called a “half vampire”). Chang Feng is the main villain who demonstrates Toad Style (brilliant!) in the finale. With Wu Ma, Wong Hap, Miu Tin, Shut Chung Tin, Elsa Yeung and Liu Ping. It was the last film Joe Law Chi directed.

GUZOO: KAMI NI MI SUTE RARESHI MONO PART 1 (1986 JPN) D/W: “GAIRA” KAZUO KOMIZU P: YOUJI MATSUMOTO Four young women (and an older female scientist) at a boarding house in the country are attacked by a pulsating mass with tentacles and teeth. It lives in the basement and can travel through mirrors. At the end, music from a small flute turns it into a turtle (?). An intro explains that Guzoo is some kind of parasite that’s been dormant for 10 million years, but that doesn’t help explain this nonsensical 40 mins gore movie (bodies are ripped open and a head is bitten off). Silly stuff, but I was impressed by the effort that went into the FX (considering the obviously low budget). The director went on to better gory oddities, like ENTRAILS OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

GWENDOLINE (the perils of gwendoline in the land of yik yak; gold papyon) (1983 FRA) D/W: JUST JAECKIN W: JEAN-LUC VOULFON P: JEAN-CLAUDE FLEURY/SERGE LASKI Gwendoline (cute Tawny Kitaen, who can be seen topless) is an American innocent who smuggles herself to a clichéd exotic and harsh Far Eastern country in a crate (along with her maid) to look for her butterfly collector father. She hires rough, tough supermasculine local American unshaven hunk Brent Huff to help her, after he reluctantly rescues her from slave traders. You might have to be in the mood, but this sexy and cartoonish alternate INDIANA JONES (based on a 1940s erotic comic strip by pioneering fetishist John Willie) can be a lot of fun. I enjoyed it more than Jaeckin’s EMMANUELLE, for instance. With Bernadette Lafont, Zabou, Jean Rougerie, Roland Amstutz, Vernon Dobtcheff, Andre Julien and Dominique Marcas.

GYMKATA KILLER See: CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER

H (2002 S.KOR) D/W: JONG-HYUK LEE P: JIN-OK RYU Detectives investigate the serial murders of women who are either irresponsibly pregnant or have had an abortion. The MO is the same as another killer (In-kwon Kim, who’s far too young for his Hannibal Lecter-like role) already in prison. Who is continuing the trend? This slick thriller is not bad at all, but feels far too derivative to get excited about. Jin-hee Ji and Jung-ah Yum star, with Ji-ru Sung.

HABITAT (1996 CAN NETH) D/W: RENE DAALDER P: CLAUDE LEGER/PIETER KROONENBURG Tcheky Karyo is an obsessed scientist who drags his family to a new town on future post-ozone layer Earth. His experiments with “accelerated evolution” turn him into a mass of bacteria and the house becomes a living, breathing jungle. Balthazar Getty is the rebellious teen son hero who has to put up with macho jocks (like the ones in Daalder’s MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH). Alice Krige is his mom. With Laura Harris, Kenneth Walsh, Daniel Pilon, Christopher Heyrdahl and Richard Zeman. This very good sci-fi is different, entertaining and has some real interesting ideas. Check it out.

HABIT PATTERNS (1954 US) Here’s a good example of how manipulative and scare-mongering educational classroom films could be. Fourteen b/w mins show us how Barbara fully deserved her public humiliation because she has picked up bad habit patterns. The female narrator scolds her throughout for not being like the perfect girl next door until she breaks down and cries.

HACKERS (cybernet) (1995 US) D: IAIN SOFTLEY W: RAFAEL MOREU P: MICHAEL PEYSER/RALPH WINTER If you’re in the mood, this teen thriller about computer hacking is feelgood fun, never boring and has realistic teen characters (if highly implausible technobabble). Johnny Lee Miller stars as the new hacker kid at a New York school whose band of friends (including Angelina Jolie and Matthew Lillard) are framed to take the fall for a virus created by corrupt big business computer engineer Fisher Stevens. With Jesse Bradford, Albert Watson, Lorraine Bracco, Penn Jilette and Olegar Fedoro.

HACKERS 2 See: TAKEDOWN

LA HAINE (hate; hatred) (1995 FRA) D/W: MATTHIEU KASSOVITZ P: CHRISTOPHE ROSSIGNON Three young men (Vincent Cassel, Hubert Kounde and Said Taghmaoui) from a run-down housing estate on the outskirts of Paris just hang about while trying to figure out how to get their friend (who was injured during riots) out of police custody. Stylish, intelligent and potent documentary-style look at not just police brutality, but the vengeful street mentality that makes things worse. With Mathilde Vitry, Edouard Mantoute, Cut Killer, Francois Levantal, Karin Viard, Vincent Lindon, Marc Duret, Philippe Nahon, Zinedine Soualem and Kassovitz and Rossignon.

HAIRSPRAY (1988 US) D/W: JOHN WATERS P: RACHEL TALALAY Despite the fact that Waters would like to think of himself as a completely amoral, irresponsible filmmaker, his first since POLYESTER deals with segregation in 1962 Baltimore (admittedly in a cartoonish and deliberately clichéd way). It’s also excellent, highly entertaining and ranks among his finest. Ricki Lake is Tracy Turnblad, an overweight teen who dreams of being on the local Corny Collins dance show (based on a local show from Waters’ youth). Divine (who died not long after) is her mother and also plays the racist tv station owner. With Sonny Bono, Debbie Harry, Jerry Stiller, Ruth Brown, Michael St. Gerard, Mink Stole, Pia Zadora, Ric Ocasek, Josh Charles, Mary Vivian Pearce, George Stover, Buddy Deane and Waters. Great stuff, with an inspired choice of oldies on the soundtrack. Waters remained PG for his next release, CRY BABY. In a most unexpected turn of events, HAIRSPRAY became a stage musical, which was then adapted back to the screen in 2007, starring John Travolta (!) looking pretty scary in Divine’s role.

HALF A LOAF OF KUNG FU (dim chi gung foo gam gaan daan; dian zhi gong fu gan jian chan) (1978 HK) D: CHAN CHI HWA P: HSU LI WA This pre-SNAKE IN THE EAGLE’S SHADOW and DRUNKEN MASTER attempt at combining action and comedy has some interesting choreography from star Jackie Chan, but it lacks the winning combination his later collaborations with the Yuen brothers had. Pretty much ignored on its original release, it was rereleased in 1980 to box office success. Nowadays it’s a mildly diverting curio for completists. With Kam Kong, Doris Lung, James Tien, Pang Gang, Miu Tin, Wu Ma and Dean Shek.

HALF PAST DEAD (2002 US GER) D/W: DON MICHAEL PAUL P: ELIE SAMAHA/STEVEN SEAGAL/ANDREW STEVENS Seagal returns to UNDER SIEGE territory as an undercover Fed inside the reopened New Alcatraz as a convict when Morris Chestnut and his goons break in to find the whereabouts of some stolen cash from an inmate. Ja Rule is Seagal’s buddy who doesn’t know his true identity, Tony Plana is the talkative warden and Nia Peeples is Chestnut’s sexy accomplice. With Claudia Christian, Kurupt, Bruce Weitz, Hannes Jaenicke, Alexandra Kamp-Groeneveld, Yasmina Filai-Bohnen, Monique Imes-Jackson, Art Camacho and director Paul. This exercise in tedium was filmed in Berlin. Bill Goldberg replaced Seagal for the direct-to-tv sequel HALF PAST DEAD 2 (2007).

HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING See: THE WEREWOLF AND THE YETI

HALLOWEEN (1978 US) D/W/P: JOHN CARPENTER W/P: DEBRA HILL Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN is no classic but is a well-oiled “boo” machine to keep the audience on edge. As if you didn’t know, psycho Michael Myers (Nick Castle) returns to his home town after escaping from an asylum (he killed his sister when he was a kid) on Halloween to stalk and kill teens. Jamie Lee Curtis is a fine scream queen who becomes the main target, and Donald Pleasence is great as psychiatrist Dr. Loomis who talks about evil. Much copied in many ways, the best thing is Carpenter’s genuinely creepy music. With P.J. Soles, George O’Hanlon and Carpenter’s voice. The next landmark in the slasher continuum was the terrible FRIDAY THE 13TH, and then A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET completed the holy trinity franchise (Michael, Jason, Freddy) that saturated the market through the 80s (and some of the 90s). As usual, you should search the margins of the genre to find the real gems (like the proto-slasher BLACK CHRISTMAS which predates and pretty much out-does most of what followed). Rob Zombie’s 2007 remake (and subsequent sequel) was ambitious but missed the point.

HALLOWEEN 2 (1981 US) D: RICK ROSENTHAL W/P: JOHN CARPENTER/DEBRA HILL Michael Myers tries to kill Jamie Lee Curtis at a hospital she’s been admitted to, on the same night as the original is set. What begins as a promisingly subversive, scary sequel soon degenerates into derivative junk. With Donald Pleasence, Ford Rainey, Leo Rossi, Dana Carvey and Billy Warlock. Apparently John Carpenter shot some scenes and re-edited the movie.

HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982 US) D/W: TOMMY LEE JONES W: NIGEL KNEALE (uncredited) P: DEBRA HILL/JOHN CARPENTER This entry has nothing to with the rest of the series and doesn’t feature Michael Myers. Tom Atkins stars as a doctor who uncovers a bizarre conspiracy to kill off large amounts of American kids through the use of Halloween masks implanted with grains from a Stonehenge rock. Dan O’Herlihy is the main villain who believes in the true Celtic origin of Samhain (despite actually being Irish, O’Herlihy’s Irish accent is bizarre and comes and goes). Wallace (and most definitely Kneale)’s story is often silly, and he can’t really direct horror very well (it’s not scary), but HALLOWEEN III is a somewhat interesting failure, and is more enjoyable than the rest of the sequels. Parts are inspired, others are pretty crappy and corny. Carpenter provided some of the music (along with Alan Hovarth). With Joshua Miller and Wallace’s voice in the Silver Shamrock commercial, and a clip from the original HALLOWEEN on tv. Not to be confused with George A. Romero’s SEASON OF THE WITCH. See THE QUATERMASS CONCLUSION for more on Kneale and Stonehenge. Andy Murray’s interesting (Headpress) book Into The Unknown: The Fantastic Life Of Nigel Kneale has some stuff on the making of this film.

HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS (1988 US) D: DWIGHT H. LITTLE W: ALAN B. McELROY/DHARNI LISPIUS/LARRY RATTNER/ BENJAMIN SUFFNER P PAUL FREEMAN After the interesting SEASON OF THE WITCH, it was back to lame Myers sequels. Myers wakes up from a coma and goes to kill Jamie Lee Curtis’ character’s daughter (Danielle Harris). Donald Pleasence returns also. With Beau Starr and John Carl Buechler makeup.

HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS (1989 US) D/W: DOMINIQUE OTHENIN-GIRARD W: MICHAEL JACOBS/SHEM BITTERMAN This one begins by showing how Michael got away at the end of part 4. He returns one year later with a psychic link to a little girl (an idea copied from the FRIDAY THE 13TH series) and kills more horny teens. Donald Pleasence goes through the motions as Dr. Loomis. One very ill-fitting touch has a couple of comic relief cops with their own silly sound FX theme! Danielle Harris returns, with Beau Starr, Matthew Walker and Troy Evans. The redundant, worn-out series just kept on going though. HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS was next.

HALLOWEEN 666: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS (1995 US) D: JOE CHAPPELLE W: DANIEL FARRANDS P: PAUL FREEMAN Potentially different and interesting sequel toys with the concept of a cult of followers who worship and kill in the name of Michael Myers. But they chuck all that out the window and deliver yet another monotonous subpar slasher bore. With Paul Rudd, Mitch Ryan, Kim Darby and Donald Pleasence in his last HALLOWEEN movie (he died the same year this was released).

HALLOWEEN H20: 20 YEARS LATER (1998 US) D: STEVE MINER W: ROBERT ZAPPIA/MATT GREENBERG P: PAUL FREEMAN Michael Myers returns to stalk Jamie Lee Curtis in a sequel that carries on from part two. She’s now the headmistress of an exclusive private school. Josh Hartnett is her teen hero son. Lots of ridiculous false scares and cack-handed suspense from the director of some FRIDAY THE 13TH outings. With L.L. Cool J., Adam Arkin, Janet Leigh, Michelle Williams, Jodi Lyn O’Keeffe, Miner and a photo of the late Donald Pleasence.

HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION (2002 US) D: RICK ROSENTHAL W: LARRY BRAND/SEAN HOOD P: PAUL FREEMAN This is the eighth entry in the series, and they’re not getting any better. They obviously tried to be different so Jamie Lee Curtis (now in an asylum for killing the wrong guy at the end of H20) is killed-off to begin with. The rest of this pathetic movie is BLAIR WITCH-inspired as teens taking part in an internet broadcast reality tv show wander around Michael Myers’ childhood home with webcams attached to their heads. A particularly misjudged “homage” to PEEPING TOM has Myers shoving the sharpened leg of a tripod through someone’s throat. Bianca Kajilich is the young heroine contestant and Busta Rhymes is irritating as the show’s producer. With Sean Patrick Thomas, Thomas Ian Griffith, Tyra Banks, Gus Lynch, Lorena Gale, Brad Sihvon and Rosenthal (who directed part two years ago).

HALLOWEEN PARTY See: NIGHT OF THE DEMONS

HALLOW’S END (2003 US) D/P: JON KEEYES W: CHRIS J. BURDICK P: BRANDON BAKER/RICHARD T. CAREY/FARAS RABADI A bunch of students work on a haunted house for charity at a maze-like warehouse. After endless teen drama about relationships and secret lesbianism, a pumpkin turns up and characters change into what they were dressed as (zombie, vampire, ghoul etc.) and attack. This bore was filmed in Texas.

HAMANUPTRA See: THE MUMMY (1999)

HAMANUPTRA 2 See: THE MUMMY RETURNS

HAMMER OF THE GODS See: THE CHINESE BOXER

HAMMETT (1982 US) D: WIM WENDERS W: ROSS THOMAS/DENNIS O’FLAHERTY/THOMAS POPE P: FRED ROOS/RONALD COLBY/DON GUEST Frederic Forrest is very good as Dashiel Hammett, the real-life godfather of hard-boiled pulp crime stories. This very well done semi-biographical movie, from a European director known for his road movies, has the alcoholic Hammett as the main protagonist in a mystery not unlike those he writes. It concerns the slave trade in 1930s San Francisco Chinatown and stag films with underage Chinese girls. Based on Joe Gores’ novel, it’s like a more straightforward and less surreal NAKED LUNCH. Peter Boyle is Hammett’s missing friend, R.G. Armstrong is an arsehole cop, Elisha Cook Jr. drives a cab and Roy Kinnear is English Eddie. With David Patrick Kelley, Marilu Henner (married to Forrest at the time), Sylvia Sidney, Sam Fuller, Jack Nance, Royal Dano, Fox Harris and Hank Worden. Executive producer Francis Ford Coppola’s Zoetrope studios was behind this troubled production that was halted midway through. During this gap in filming, Wenders made THE STATE OF THINGS.

THE HAMMOND MYSTERY See: THE UNDYING MONSTER

HANA-BI (fireworks) (1997 JPN) D/W: TAKESHI KITANO P: MASAYUKI MORI/YASUSHI TSUGE/YAKIO YOSHIDA One of Kitano’s most accomplished films is a note-perfect blending of genre and styles as violent, irresponsible cop Kitano takes his dying wife on a road trip while yakuza assassins close in to terminate him. Kitano was hospitalised in a motorcycle accident prior to this, and he drew many of the pictures seen here while he was out of action. (In an autobiographical touch, Ren Osugi plays a cop in a wheelchair learning to draw to pass the time.) Reconstructive surgery that Kitano required resulted in a new twitchy aspect to his deadpan mug, brilliantly deployed during a wonderfully placid bank robbery scene. With Hakuryu, Yuuko Daike, Kenichi Yajima, Kanji Tsuda and Susumu Terajima. A modern classic, which Kitano followed with the very different SUMMER WITH KIKUJIRO.

HANAKO IN THE RESTROOM (toire no hanako san) (1997 JPN) D: MASATO SASAKI The director of DONOR made this lame urban myth horror tale, not to be confused with a 1995 movie with the same title. A schoolgirl who was missing for one week can predict the future DEAD ZONE-style. A killer teacher is also involved.

THE HAND (killer hands) (1981 US) D/W: OLIVER STONE P: EDWARD R. PRESSMAN Comic strip writer and illustrator Michel Caine loses his hand in a car accident and ends up alienated from his wife. Is he, or the dismembered hand, responsible for a string of murders? Well-made but overlong and overbaked horror flick from Stone (his second after SEIZURE) outstays its welcome pretty quickly. Stone himself appears as a tramp. With Viveca Lindfors, Bruce McGill, Pat Corley, Charles Fleischer and Tracey Walter. Based on Marc Brandel’s novel The Lizard’s Tail.

HANDFUL OF DIAMONDS See: THE SEX THIEF

HAND OF DEATH (1962 US) D: GENE NELSON W/P: EUGENE LING John Agar is experimenting with a nerve gas that paralyses at a remote desert laboratory. Somehow an overdose turns him into an oversized monster with cracked, crusty skin (not unlike The Thing from The Fantastic Four comics, which may have been inspired by this). His touch not only kills, but his victims disintegrate (the first victim is played by future cinematographer John Alonzo). Bob Mark provided the great makeup for this once rare, fun b/w 58 mins programmer. I liked the fact that monster Agar wears an overcoat and hat (!) to disguise himself, and can even drive cars! Sonny Burke’s bongo and theremin-heavy soundtrack is an asset, too. With Paula Raymond (pouting love interest), Roy Gordon (her wheelchair-bound scientist dad), and José Besser (as a gas station attendant!) and little Butch Patrick (Eddie on The Munsters tv show). Floyd Crosby was the cinematographer.

THE HAND OF DEATH (countdown in kung fu; siu lam moon; shao lin men) (1976 HK) D/W: JOHN WOO Probably the most widely seen of Woo’s early kung fu films because a young Jackie Chan (only just starting to make a name for himself in the likes of SHAOLIN WOODEN MEN from the same year) has a substantial, pivotal role. But Dorian Tan Tao Liang is the real star. It’s routine but well done and entertaining enough, with decent choreography from Sammo Hung (who also appears as a villain wearing some ridiculous buck teeth). With James Tin Jun, Wilson Tong, Yuen Biao, Yueng Wai, Yuen Wah and Woo as an innkeeper.

THE HAND OF DEATH (unmasked part 25; jackson’s back) (1988 UK) D: ANDERS PALM W/P: MARK CUTFORTH This London-lensed micro-budget obscurity begins with guests at a house party being killed in various, gory ways (face ripped off, head smashed in with a shovel, garroting and a girl in an Eastenders t-shirt has a lamp shoved through her head) by a figure in a hockey mask. He turns out to be Jason Vorhees (here called Jackson) who talks of his traumatic childhood at Camp Crystal Lake to the surviving blind woman. They fall in love, but the disfigured, Byron-quoting Jackson (with an English accent) can’t stop killing. It ends with a theatre marquee announcing “The Hand of Death Part 26: Jackson Returns”. Other major characters are irritating Shakespearean actors. I guess it’s supposed to be clever, but it got right up my nose.

HANDPHONE (2009 S.KOR) D: KIM HAN-MIN W: KIM MI-HYUN P: HUR TAE-KU/CHUNG HAE-YOUNG A talent agent (Eom Tae-woong) in debt to gangsters and estranged from his neglected wife (Park Solmi) loses his (important business lifeline) cell phone. On it is footage of his client (a young woman cultivating a “pure and innocent” image) having sex. A putupon department store worker (Park Yoeng-woo) finds it and uses his new-found leverage to lash out at the world. A tad too long at about 130 mins, it’s still a pretty gripping thriller. With no real hero to get behind, it’s fun to just see things spiral out of control. I’m normally an impressed supporter of Korean cinema’s take-no-prisoners cynicism, but the ending and coda here seem a little too dark and depressing for what is essentially a mainstream cat-and-mouse thriller. With Park Gil-soo and Kim Jeong-eun.

HANDS OF A STRANGER (1962 US) D/W/P: NEWT ARNOLD P: MICHAEL DuPONT A world-renowned pianist loses his hands in a traffic accident, so has new, strong ones sewn on as part of an ambitious surgeon’s experiment. This very melodramatic b/w chiller starts in HANDS OF ORLAC territory but soon veers into the less supernatural. Not bad. With Sally Kellerman and producer DuPont as a doctor.

HANDS OF DEATH (the tongfather; the notorious bandit; da e kou) (1974 TAI) D/W: ROC TIEN P: TIEN SHAO-CHING Director Roc Tien stars as a secret agent out to kill the villains behind an opium ring. The English dub makes no real mention of it, but I think the bad guys are Japanese, and this could be a period piece set in occupied Manchuria (those in the know, please let me know). Not so bad, this basher has its moments but is mostly dull and largely forgettable. With Yee Yuen, Chen Hung-Lieh, Sit Hon, Shan Mao, Shih Ting-Ken and Lee Keung. The first of six directed by minor star Roc.

HANDS OF STEEL (fist of steel; atomic cyborg; return of the terminator; mani di pietra; vendetta dal futuro) (1986 ITL) D/W: “MARTIN DOLMAN” (SERGIO MARTINO) W: “ELIZABETH PARKER” (ELISA BRIGANTI)/ERNESTO GASTALDI/DARDANO SACCHETTI P: LUCIANO MARTINO A renegade martial arts cyborg seeks a peaceful life in a futuristic (1997) American desert bar with Janet Agren. John Saxon and “George Eastman” (Luigi Montefiore) are the villains in this action movie that I found curiously entertaining one lazy afternoon. My favourite part was when someone brandishes an unbroken bottle during a barroom brawl. With Donald O’Brien and Franco Fantasia.

HANDS OF THE RIPPER (1971 UK) D: PETER SASDY W: L.W. DAVIDSON/EDWARD SPENCER SHEW P: AIDA YOUNG Sasdy was one of the most interesting and original writers at Hammer (who unfortunately also directed THE DEVIL INSIDE HER). This effective, Freudian horror stars Angharad Rees as the daughter of Jack the Ripper, who could be blackingout and continuing her father’s work. With Dora Bryan and Normand Bird. Something different from the once-great studio.

THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE (1992 US) D: CURTIS HANSON W: AMANDA SILVER P: DAVID MADDEN Annabella Sciorra and Matt McCoy hire nanny Rebecca De Mornay to look after their newborn baby and little daughter. She turns out to be a cunning psycho who wants to destroy their family because Sciorra was responsible for her husband being fired (and his resulting suicide). It’s not very good, but has enough audience manipulating scenes for it to have been a hit. Ernie Hudson is the mentally handicapped gardener (“don’t fuck with me retard”). With John DeLancie, Julianne Moore and a clip from WHITE ZOMBIE. From Disney.

HANGAR 18 (invasion force) (1980 US) D/W: JAMES L. CONWAY W: STEVEN THORNLEY/STEVEN LORD/TOM CHAPMAN P: CHARLES E. SELLIER JR. The government attempt to cover-up the existence of a flying saucer that their scientists are studying in a secret warehouse in this very boring conspiracy movie from Sunn Classics (Conway also helmed THE BOOGENS and the more typical IN SEARCH OF NOAH’S ARK [1976] for them). With Darren McGavin, Robert Vaughn, Joseph Campnaella, Tom Hallick, William Schallert, Gary Collins, James Hampton, Philip Abbott, Pamela Bellwood, Stuart Pankin and Bill Zuckert. The tv version (INVASION FORCE) has a different ending.

HANGFIRE (1991 US) D: PETER MARIS W: BRIAN D. JEFFRIES P: BRAD KREVOY/STEVEN STABLER During an emergency evacuation at a New Mexico prison where George Kennedy is warden, some dangerous convicts (including James Tolkan and the little-seen Lou Ferrigno) escape in a bus and hold a small village hostage. Ken Foree tries to help his ’nam vet buddy and deputy sheriff (Brad Davis) to rescue his wife in danger (Kim Delaney). Jan-Michael Vincent is an arsehole military type who endangers the lives of civilians. The mostly wasted oddball cast includes Yaphet Kotto, Lyle Alzado, Peter Lupis and Corbin Bernsen’s brother Collin. It’s a big pile of crap.

HANGING See: FINAL DESCENT

THE HANGING BALLOON (kubi suri kikiuu) (2001 JPN) D/W: ISSEI ODA W: HIRO MASAKI P: SEIJI MIAKE/ MASARU MIYAZAKI Producers Miake and Miyazaki backed three short horror films based on the work of manga writer Junji Itto. The other two were AKUMA NO RIRON and YANUERA NO NAGAI KAMI. This one (which runs to about 25 mins) was the only one acknowledged on the video box and in the trailer, and it’s easy to see why. The story, which concerns schoolgirls being pursued by giant inflatable human heads with nooses hanging from their necks for strangling their prey, is utterly senseless in the best possible way. The ropey, see-through CGI FX only enhances the fun. This oddity is a sublime treat. With Misato Tachibana, Jinpachi Nezu, Etsuko Komie and Patrick Harlan.

HANGMAN (2000 CAN) D: KEN GIROTTI W: VLADIMIR NEMIROVSKY P: MARC BIENSTOCK/ PETER EMERSON Who’s hanging Madchen Amick’s past rivals and personal enemies and broadcasting their deaths on police computer in the form of the word game Hangman? Lou Diamon Phillips is the detective determined to find out in this routine made for cable thriller. With Vince Corazza, Dan Lauria and no real ending. You know things have changed when tv movies have shots of topless women hanging from nooses.

HANGMEN ALSO DIE (1943 US) D/W/P: FRITZ LANG W: JOHN WEXLEY/BERTOLT BRECHT (uncredited) P: ARNOLD PRESSBURGER Prague, 1942. Czech patriot and Resistance member Brian Donlevy shoots a Nazi officer and becomes a hunted man. A family who helps him hide during a nightly curfew put themselves in danger by lying for him. Donlevy wrestles with whether he’s justified or not as innocent civilians are shot by firing squads until he gives himself up. Based on real events (HITLER’S MADMAN from Doulas Sirk is also based on these events, and was released the same year), it’s a surprise Lang didn’t milk more than just a passable thriller out of the source material. With Anna Lee, Gene Lockhart, Dennis O’Keefe, Walter Brennan, Jonathan Hale, Lionel Stander, Hans Heinrich von Twardowski, Nana Bryant, Margaret Wycherly, Alexander Granach, Reinhold Schunzel, Arno Frey, Sarah Padden, Byron Foulger, Arthur Loft, George Irving, James Bush, John Abbott, William Benedict, Erville Anderson, Richard Alexander, Eddie Kane, Lester Dorr, Lane Bradford, Harry Bradley, William Farnum, Dwight Frye, Ralph Dunn, Edward Earle, William Haade, Sam Harris, Fred Kohler Jr., Emmett Lynn, Paul McVey, Charles Middleton, Frances Morris, Kurt Neumann, Lucien Prival, Frank Reicher, Otto Reichow, Philip Van Zandt, Eddy Waller, Crane Whitley and Harry Wilson.

THE HANGOVER See: FEMALE JUNGLE

HANNIBAL (2001 US UK) D/P: RIDLEY SCOTT W: DAVID MAMET/STEVEN ZAILLIAN P: DINO and MARTHA DE LAURENTIIS Anthony Hopkins returns as cannibal Dr. Hannibal Lecter in this sequel to THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. Jodie Foster did not though, so Julianne Moore co-stars as the (disgraced) FBI agent. Gary Oldman hams it up in grotesque face makeup as the wheelchair-bound old victim of Lecter’s who wants revenge. Decent enough thriller is a little overlong and badly paced, but the surprisingly ghoulish ending makes it worthwhile. See Ray Liotta as you’ve never seen him before! With Frankie Faison, Giancarlo Gianini, Zeljko Ivanek, David Andrews, Ivano Marescotti, Mark Margolis and Ajay Naidu. HANNIBAL RISING (2007), the prequel, is not worth the watch. All are based on the novels of Thomas Harris.

HANNIE CAULDER (1971 UK) D/W: BURT KENNEDY W: DAVID HAFT/PETER COOPER P: PATRICK CURTIS Weird western was slated and considered tasteless for its uneasy mix of gore, rape and comedy, but is kind of interesting and has a great cast. Raquel Welch hires Robert Culp to kill Ernest Borgninie, Jack Elam and Strother Martin. They killed her husband and violated her. With Christopher Lee, Diana Dors, Stephen Boyd, Luis Barboo and Aldo Sambrell. Those nice locations are in Spain by the way.

HANUMAN AND THE 5 RIDERS (1974 THAI) Sompote Sands’ Chaiyo (the company that brought you CROCODILE in 1979) were unable to get the copyright from Toei to use the Japanese superhero character Kamen Rider. So they just went ahead and made it anyway! We first see five Kamen clones riding their motorcycles around Bangkok and waving for the camera. If that wasn’t cheeky enough, huge chunks of the then-new, legitimate Kamen flick THE FIVE RIDERS VS. KING DARK are lifted! It’s pretty easy to spot the new footage. It involves a King Dark clone and his cronies draining blood from women in their hideout! They consult a large K. Dark statue behind a door. Things really get strange when rapid editing pits the real and fake riders against Hanuman, the Thai Monkey-God come to life! He’s a bad guy this time though, stomping around the city, flying through the sky and crushing one guy (bloodily) in his hand. The bizarre level rises as we see scenes of naked, bloody women in Hell for some reason. This crazy, fascinating mash-up is on vcd without subtitles (you won’t need them), so check it out! Apparently Chaiyo also made a (legit) ULTRAMAN movie. Can’t wait to see that one, too!!

HANZO THE RAZOR: SWORD OF JUSTICE (goyokiba) (1972 JPN) D/W: KENJI MISUMI W: KAZUO KOIKE P: SHINTARO KATSU/HIROYOSHI NISHIOKA Shintaro Katsu (from the ZATOICHI series) is ultracool, supertough Edo cop Hanzo, dedicated to ridding the city of corruption, even if it means going against his superior officers. What makes this series (this is the first of three episodes) unique is the fact that Hanzo trains his penis everyday by beating it with a stick and shoving it into sacks of rice! The resulting hard-as-nails manhood guarantees that female suspects never outsmart his interrogation techniques. After a sample of his skills he withdraws and they blurt out what he needs to know, begging for more! Unbelievable slice of period erotic action also features plenty of bloody violence and a funky soundtrack, putting the icing on a thoroughly non-PC cake that’s just simply essential viewing. With Ko Nishimura, Kamatari Fujiwara, Renji Ishibashi, Mari Atsumi, Akira Yamuchi, Yukiji Asaoko and Takahiro Tamura. Based on a manga by Kazuo (LONE WOLF AND CUB) Koike and Takeshi Kanda. Next was…

HANZO THE RAZOR 2: THE SNARE (goyokiba: kamisori hanzo jigoku zeme) (1973 JPN) D/W: YASUZO MASAMURA Executive producer Shintaro Katsu returns as the tough, no-nonsense constable with an iron will (and dick). This time two comic relief sidekicks (including Keizo Kanie) help him uncover a prostitution racket run from a convent and more government corruption. Retreading some of the same ground as the original, but Masamura (BLIND BEAST) dishes out enough rough exploitation thrills to keep it fast-paced and fun throughout. With Toshio Kurosawa, Shin Kishida, Hosei Komatsu, Ko Nishimura, Yoshio Inaba and Kei Sato. The print I saw translated the credited director as Kenji Misumi; this is incorrect.

HANZO THE RAZOR 3: WHO’S GOT THE GOLD? (goyokiba: oni no hanzo yawahada koban) (1974 JPN) D: YOSHIO INOUE W: YASUZO MASAMURA This opens with Katsu ready to rape a female “ghost”, assuring his two comical sidekicks that she’ll be “cool” and “tight” downstairs. After that this final entry shifts gears and tones down the outrageous sexual angle to an almost nonexistent degree as Hanzo aids a young inventor in building a cannon to demonstrate to thick-headed, corrupt officials how deadly foreign weapons can be. It’s an entertaining enough programmer, but don’t expect shocks. With Ko Nishimura, Keizo Kanie, Mako Midori and Asao Koike.

HAPKIDO (lady kung fu; gap hei diy; he qui dao) (1972 HK) D: HUANG FENG W: HOH YAN P: RAYMOND CHOW Angela Mao, Carter Wong and Sammo Hung (also in the director’s WHEN TAEKWONDO STRIKES) have been studying the art of Hapkido martial arts in Korea. They return to China with the aim of opening their own school of Hapkido, but tangle with evil, occupying Japanese villains. Decent kung fu favourite has some great action but is overrated. With Whang In Sik, Bruce Liang, Nancy Sit, Ngai Ping Ngo, Gam Dai, Pai Ying, Lee Ka Ting, Hsu Hsia, Lam Ching Ying, Chan Chuen and Jackie Chan as an extra. For prime Angela Mao, see the underappreciated THE TOURNAMENT (also with Wong).

THE HAPPINESS OF THE KATAKURIS (katakuri-ke no kofuku) (2001 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: KIKUMI YAMAGISHI P: HIROTSUGU YOSHIDA/TETSUO SASHO Here’s a remake of the Korean black comedy THE QUIET FAMILY, as a musical. Kenji Sawada is the father who bands his family together to open a guest house in the remote mountains of Hokkaido. Their first guest commits suicide and they decide to hide the body so their reputation isn’t tarnished. But more suicidal guests turn up, as well as a few criminals, and a volcano erupts. Zombies even appear for one of the catchy songs. More than just a gimmick, this hilarious must-see is extremely well-done and a real feel-good experience. Keiko Matsuzaka is mum, Naomi Nishida is the lovesick daughter with a little girl and Shinji Takeda is the ex-con son. Best of all though are Tetsuro Tamba as great grandpa and Kiyoshiro Imawana as Richard Sagawa. With Naoto Takenka, Mari Hamada and some great clay animation sequences. Recommended.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (1981 US) D: J. LEE THOMPSON W: JOHN BEAIRD/TIMOTHY BOND/PETER ROBIN/JOHN C.W. SAXTON P: JOHN DUNNING/ ANDRE LINK Dull slasher movie has members of the college “top 10” student gang being killed-off in various ways (including by motorbike wheel and shish kebab). The surprise ending is terrible. With Lawrence Dane, Matt Craven, Vlasta Vrana, Ron Lea and Damir Andrei.

THE HAPPY GHOST (magic to win; hoi sam gwai; kai xin gui) (1984 HK) D/W: CLIFTON KO W: RAYMOND WONG P: KARL MAKA/DEAN SHEK Screenwriter Wong starred as the helpful ghost of a failed ancient scholar wannabe who hanged himself in a temple in a series of five movies. This is the ultimate nightmare 80s nostalgia movie guaranteed to snap you out of it and make you glad you live in the present-day. The irritating, skin-crawling Wong (who can turn into a piece of rope) helps three teen girls (including future idol Loletta Lee) with their problems in a strict Catholic boarding school run by a mean nun. But all he seems to achieve is helping them cheat at school sports and getting one pregnant! He thinks a plane is a “flying shark” and asks “who is this transvestite?” when he sees a poster of Boy George. He also dresses like Boy George. Director Ko also has a small part in this endurance test of a haunted comedy.

HAPPY GHOST 2 (magic to win 2; hoi sam gwa fong sue; kai xin gui fang shu jis) (1985 HK) D/W: CLIFTON KO W: RAYMOND WONG P: DEAN SHEK/ KARL MAKA Wong is even more of a turn-off as a bespectacled high school teacher descendent of the happy ghost, complete with that most 80s of fashion statements, a sweater tied around the shoulders. Smoooth! Fennie Yuen is the future idol this time, head of the “meanies” gang who have successfully caused seven teachers to quit with their disruptive behaviour. Of course, through a series of hilarious (?) and heartwarming situations, they come to respect his authority and the benefits of education. Masochists apply here. With Melvin Wong and Tong Kei Chan. There were three more sequels up until 1991, and then a remake (MAGIC TO WIN) in 2011.

HAPPY HELL NIGHT (hell night; frat night) (1992 CAN YUG) D/W: BRIAN OWENS W: RON PETERSON/ MICHAEL FITZPATRICK P: LESLIE SUNSHINE/ PAULINA PROVESKA Darren McGavin is only in this very poor slasher flick long enough to recall his student days (where he’s seen played by a prestardom Sam Rockwell), when some friends were killed on Pledge Night by the resurrected killer monk Zacharias. Present-day hazing teens let him escape again, this time from a dark asylum. Zacharias is pretty creepy-looking (bald, pale Nosferatu look), has a weird throaty/computerised voice and bad wisecracks. Shame he wasn’t in a better film. With Janez Vrhovec and a sub-Ramones final theme by The Slush Puppies.

THE HAPPY HOOKER (1975 US) D: NICHOLAS SGARRO W: WILLIAM RICHERT P: FRED C. CARUSO Lynn Redgrave is Xaviera Hollander, a high class hooker who’s real-life exploits inspired this Cannon hit (actually based on the book by Hollander, Yvonne Dunleavy and Robin Moore). It charts the story of a Dutch woman who comes to NYC to marry and eventually becomes the most successful whorehouse madame in the city. There’s minimum T&A and it’s all very serious, but surprisingly entertaining. With Jean Pierre Aumont, Richard Lynch, Tom Poston, George Dzundza and Vincent Schiavelli. It’s also the only other feature credit for Seamus O’Brien (aka Sardu in the classic BLOOD SUCKING FREAKS). THE HAPPY HOOKER GOES TO WASHINGTON and THE HAPPY HOOKER GOES HOLLYWOOD were the sequels.

THE HAPPY HOOKER GOES HOLLYWOOD (hollywood blue; happy hooker 2) (1979 US) D/W: ALAN ROBERTS W: DEVI GOLDENBERG P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS Despite the alternative part two retitling (from the Japanese video release), this is in fact the third and final entry in the Cannon series. This time Martine Beswick is Xaviera Hollander, first seen with Dick Miller (as a cop)! Hollywood producer Phil Silvers and his playboy son (Adam West) want to make some bullshit version of her bestseller, but she retaliates with her own version. Funds are raised by her stable of women servicing men in their sexual fantasies. It’s pretty silly, but if you enjoyed the first two entries, then you’ll enjoy this. With Richard Deacon, Chris Lemmon, Edie Adams, Army Archerd, Lindsay Bloom, Susan Lynn Kiger, Yehuda Efroni, Tanya Boyd, Liz Glazowski, Ian Abercrombie and Herb Vigran. [Illus.]

THE HAPPY HOOKER GOES TO WASHINGTON (1977 US) D/P: WILLIAM A. LEVEY W: BOB KAUFMAN/ BARNEY COHEN Joey Heatherton is the cutest of the Xaviera Hollanders in this ridiculous sequel that’s fun if you’re in the mood. George Hamilton is her attorney when she has to testify before congress. Billy Barty is a CIA agent who asks her to seduce a tyrannical yet goofy sheik. With Marilyn Joi, Ray Walston, Joyce Jilson (SUPERCHICK), Jack Carter, Pamela Zinszer, Larrry Storch, Rip Taylor, Harold Sakata, Sydney Lassick, Rolfe Sedan, David White and Raven De La Croix. This Cannon release is from the director of BLACKENSTEIN (also with Joi). THE HAPPY HOOKER GOES HOLLYWOOD was the last in the series.

HARAKIRI See: SEPPUKU

HARD BOILED (kwong sau taam; cheong san; la shou shen tan; quiang shen) (1992 HK) D: JOHN WOO W; BARRY WONG P: TERRANCE CHEUNG GASAN/ LINDA KUK Despite ludicrous plot holes, this heroic bloodshed tale involving Chow Yun Fat vs gunrunning gangsters (led by Philip Chan) is pretty exciting and well worth seeing. It’s over two hours long, so viewers just after action scenes have to sit through a lot of drama as well. The final epic shoot-out in a hospital was a template to top in later pictures. With Tony Leung, Anthony Wong, Teresa Mo, Philip Kwok Choy (also the action choreographer), Lo Meng and Stephen Tung Wai.

HARD BOILED 2 See: THE LAST BLOOD

HARDCORE (the hardcore life) (1979 US) D/W: PAUL SCHRADER P: BUZZ FETISHANS George C. Scott (who is very good in a role as suited to him as PATTON [1970]) travels from his small deeply religious Calvinist community in Grand Rapids, Michigan (where director Schrader was brought up), to the sleazy streets of California when his daughter goes missing. After finding that she has performed in skin flicks he descends deeper and deeper into the secret world of extreme porn and real-life death on film. Peter Boyle is a private detective and Season Hubley is a hooker who helps him. As a serious investigation of the snuff myth, it’s dated and ridiculous. As a religious parable it’s less problematic, but still unconvincing. As a mindless thriller, it’s quite good fun. With Dick Sargent, Bibi Besch, Reb Brown, Tracey Walter and Ed Begley Jr. John Milius was the executive producer. 8MM copied this 20 years later. Schrader made the more assured AMERICAN GIGOLO next.

THE HARDCORE LIFE See: HARDCORE

HARDCOVER (i, madman) (1988 US) D: TIBOR TAKACS W: DAVID CHASKIN P: RAFAEL EISENMAN A used bookstore worker gets hooked on the old horror novels of Malcolm Brand. The confused, nonsensical storyline is the only drawback of this engaging, imaginative horror movie. A character from the book’s period scenes set in the 40s somehow crosses over into real-life, along with a cool stop-motion monster. There are some nice surprises as long as you don’t expect too much. Takacs made it between GATE movies. With Mary Pat Gleason and Christopher Kriesa.

A HARD DAY FOR ARCHIE See: HOT TIMES

HARD DAYS See: SIX WAYS TO SUNDAY

HARD EIGHT (sydney) (1996 US) D/W: PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON P: ROBERT JONES/JOHN S. LYONS A kindly and wise elderly man (Philip Baker Hall) teaches down-on-his-luck John C. Reilly how to play the Nevada casinos. Absorbing start quickly changes tact and becomes much less interesting as the film splits, loses its focus and brings in dull, unconvincing subplots. A shame really. With Gwyneth Paltrow, Samuel L. Jackson, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Robert Ridgely, Melora Walters and Ernie Anderson (Ghoulardi). Director Anderson (son of Ghoulardi)’s debut is an extension of his 1993 short COFFEE AND CIGARETTES. He followed with the excellent BOOGIE NIGHTS.

THE HARDER THEY COME (1973 JAM) D/W/P: PERRY HENZELL W: TREVOR RHONE The first Jamaican feature film is a must-see cult classic. Jimmy Cliff pretty much plays himself as a reggae singer in Kingston who gets ripped-off by record companies and ganja business executives. But the shittier his life gets, the higher his record sales soar, until he becomes a folk hero hunted by the police. The soundtrack helped popularise reggae in the rest of the world when the movie was originally released with (now laughable) subtitles. Check out the great scene where people excitedly watch DJANGO in a theatre. With Prince Buster.

THE HARDER THEY FALL (1956 US) D: MARK ROBSON W/P: PHILIP YORDAN Down-on-his-luck sport columnist and boxing promoter Humphrey Bogart agrees to go on the road with crooked manager Rod Steiger’s new find: a South American giant with a weak punch who can’t take a beating. This excellent b/w boxing drama (based on the book by Budd Schulberg) exposes the seedy underbelly of professional boxing with all its fixed fights and false glories. With Jack Albertson, Val Avery, Frank Cagney, Stanford Repp, Charles Tannen, real heavyweights Max Baer and Jersey Joe Walcott, and Ricardo Montalblan’s father Charles. Robson started with classic Val Lewton chillers like THE GHOST SHIP and THE SEVENTH VICTIM and finished his career with disaster flicks like EARTHQUAKE and AVALANCHE EXPRESS (1979). Yordan wrote the 1945 version of DILLINGER, JOHNNY GUITAR, THE BIG COMBO, the KISS OF DEATH retread THE FIEND WHO WALKED THE WEST and then later weirdness like CATACLYSM, DEATH WISH CLUB and BLOODY WEDNESDAY. A couple of names to look out for there.

HARD FOCUS: EAVESDROP See: SURVEY MAP OF A PARADISE LOST

HARDGORE (horror whore; sadoasylum) (1974 US) D: MICHAEL HUGO A young nympho is admitted to a sanatorium, which turns out to be a front for a Satanic coven that decapitate women (being fucked) with a guillotine as the climax for their orgies. As well as some (light, despite what you may have heard) gore, there’s also the sight of an electric drill dildo getting stuck and smoldering inside a twat (“call the fire department”), a copious (fake) ejaculation shower scene and a downbeat ending involving massacre by (large) axe. An hour-long curiosity unearthed by the good folks at Alpha Blue Archives. With John Seeman as a doctor. I found this title more entertaining, but if you’re looking for porno/gore crossover shocks, SEX PSYCHO has the edge.

HARD JACKER See: CRACKERJACK

HARD LUCK See: SUNSET GRILL

HARDNESS See: NO CONTEST

HARD RAIN (flood; pluie d’enfer) (1998 US UK DEN FRA JPN NZ) D: MIKAEL SALOMON W: GRAHAM YOST P: MARK GORDON/GARY LEVINSON/IAN BRYCE/ART LEVINSON Christian Slater tries to prevent money from falling into the hands of Morgan Freeman’s gang of looters as a small town floods. Cliffhanger serial style moments and jet ski chases make up some of the action. With Randy Quaid, Minnie Driver, Edward Asner, Betty White, Ray Baker and Anthony Montgomery.

HARD ROCK HIJACK See: AIRHEADS

HARD ROCK ZOMBIES (1983 US) D/W/P: KRISHNA SHAH W: DAVID BALL Indian-born Shah originally intended for this to be just a 20 mins piece to be shown as on-screen filler in his subsequent picture AMERICAN DRIVE-IN. But it turned out as a bad feature-length spoof, that, despite being strained and none too funny, has its moments (there’s a werewolf in a wheelchair for example). The plot involves a rock group coming to play a small hick town who get killed by local Satanists (including dwarf Phil Fondacaro and a Hitler lookalike), and return as vengeanceseeking zombies. With John Fleck. Scenes did turn up in the awful DRIVE-IN.

HARD TARGET (1993 US) D: JOHN WOO W: CHUCK PFARRER P: JAMES JACKS/SEAN DANIEL Yancy Butler hires down-on-his-luck merchant seaman Jean-Claude Van Damme (with long hair) to find her missing father in New Orleans. He’s been killed by rich thrill-seekers in a MOST DANGEROUS GAME scenario set-up by Lance Henriksen (and right-hand man, Arnold Vosloo). Woo’s first Hollywood movie has some good action, of course, but the script sucks. As well as the expected gunplay, there’s a little of Van Damme’s pathetic attempts at martial arts, a particularly ridiculous motorbike stunt and a snake is punched out. One death is copied from Argento’s OPERA. Wilford Brimley is the Cajun dad who uses a bow and arrow in the admittedly impressive final warehouse shoot-out (with Mardi Gras floats). With Kasi Lemmons, Ted Raimi, Dale Ashmun, Sven-Ole Thorsen and writer Pfarrer. This review refers to the uncut Japanese version; it was trimmed in most other places. Sam Raimi and Robert Tapert were executive producers.

HARD TICKET TO HAWAII (glamour angel) (1987 US) D/W: ANDY SIDARIS P: ARLENE SIDARIS The credits for this typical Sidaris tits’n’guns-in-beautiful-locations movie appear on packing crates. Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton are the leads fighting drug-dealers, smugglers and a very dangerous, infected snake. There’s nudity (“good breasts are a great asset”), ridiculous OTT violence (razor-lined frisbee and death by bazooka) and lots of cornball humour. As they say, “if brains were birdshit, you’d have a clean cage”, but I enjoyed it. With Cynthia Brimhall, Patty Duffek and Wolf Larson.

HARD TIMES See: THE STREETFIGHTER (1975)

HARD TO KILL (1990 US) D: BRUCE MALMUTH W: STEVEN McKAY P: JOEL SIMON/BILL TODMAN JR. Steven Seagal is a cop whose family is killed after he discovers a conspiracy involving corrupt senator William Sadler. The killers also put Seagal in a coma and he emerges seven years later for revenge. The then real-life Mrs. Seagal, Kelly Le Brock, is a nurse who helps and falls in love with the ever-frowning whisper-king Seagal. It’s pretty boring. With Branscombe Richmond, Robert LaSardo, Dean Norris, Buddy Joe Hooker and Ernie Lively.

HARDWARE (m.a.r.k. 13) (1990 UK) D/W: RICHARD STANLEY P: JOANNE SELLAR/PAUL TRIJBITS It gets criticised a lot, but I have to admit to enjoying this British sci-fi horror that was cut for violence (it’s since been restored). Stacy Travis stars as an artist/ sculptor in the post-nuke future who’s terrorised by a dormant scrap metal hunter-killer robot in her apartment. The great FX and overall stylish look of this effective feature debut highlight how much of an achievement this was for a 24-year-old Stanley. With Dylan McDermott, Lemmy (who plays Motörhead in his cab), William Hootkins, Carl McCoy (from Fields Of The Nephilim), Mac McDonald and the voice of Iggy Pop. Creators of a comic strip called Shok! sued for alleged similarities.

A HARD WAY TO DIE (sun dragon; chun chai huet lui; zhu zai xie lei) (1979 HK) D: “HWA I. HWANG” (WA YAT WANG) W: LAM CHIN WAI P: PAL MING Billy Chong is a Chinese immigrant in the wild west who helps Carl Scott take revenge against the outlaws who murdered his family and stole their land. Nothing special but a watchable addition to the kung fu western subgenre. With Louis Neglia (the 1977 world boxing champ), a “Native Indian” with tomahawk and a Japanese Samurai. Fight choreography by Lang Siao Sung. The period detail is very confused, as in KUNG FU EXECUTIONER, the second and final Chong/Scott vehicle.

HARLEM See: SUGAR HILL (1994)

HARLEM DETECTIVES See: COME BACK CHARLESTON BLUE

HARLEM RIDES THE RANGE (1939 US) D/P: RICHARD C. KAHN W: F.E. MILLER/SPENCER WILLIAMS P: ALFRED N. SACK Singing cowboy Herb Jeffries (who can “hit a high C with four biscuits in his mouth”) returns in this funny all-black cast comedy musical western, the third (and final) entry in a series that started with TWO GUN MAN FROM HARLEM. The plot involves a gold mine and murder. Miller and Williams also act. From the trailblazing Sack Amusements.

HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN (1991 US) D: SIMON WINCER W: DON MICHAEL PAUL P: JERE HENSHAW Harley (Mickey Rourke) and Marlboro (Don Johnson) team up against drugdealers in the future (1996) after trying to save their favourite bar (run by Julius W. Harris) in this ill-advised action flick. Tom Sizemore and Daniel Baldwin are the main villains. With Tia Carrere, Giancarlo Esposito, Robert Ginty, Kelly Hu, Branscombe Richmond and Sven-Ole Thorsen. The silly motto “better to be dead and cool, than alive and uncool” about sums up this embarrassment.

HARMAGEDDON (genma taisen) (1983 JPN ANIMATED) D: TARO RIN W: SHOTARO ISHINIMORI P: PROJECT TEAM ARGOS/MADHOUSE/MAGIC CAPSULE Katsuhiro Otomo (AKIRA) was the character designer for this one (in fact, it’s his anime debut). It starts promisingly (if a little sillily) as the good energy queen enlists the help of a psychic princess and an ancient cyborg called Bega. They must find other psychics with telekinetic powers to battle against the evil energy god who craves the destruction of the world. This film has some cool demon monsters (which are pretty scary) and Bega is impressive. However, near the end it completely loses it when our heroes rescue a reindeer and an army of cute animals get involved (the squirrel is particularly annoying). It all ends with a message telling us how we can defeat evil if we all just love each other. The first enjoyable half is completely nullified by this sickly ending. Shame. Based on Ishinomori’s manga.

HARMFUL INSECT (gaichu) (2001 JPN) D: AKIHIKO SHIOTA W: KIYONO YAYOI P: TAKASHI HIRANO/HIROYUKI NEGISHI Interesting if not very exciting non-genre slice of low-key sensationalism about a junior high school girl (Aoyi Miyazaki) and how she’s developing in a world where adults are either absent, ineffectual or dangerously predatorial. Some valid points and nicely illustrated moments, as long as you don’t take it that seriously. With Ryo as her widowed mother, Tetsua Sawaki, Nao Omori and (somewhere, he’s listed in the credits) Susumu Terajima.

HARRY BROWN (2009 UK) D: DANIEL BARBER W: GARY YOUNG P: KEITH BELL/MATTHEW VAUGHN/ KRIS THYKIER/MATTHEW BROWN Widowed pensioner and ex-marine Michael Caine takes the law into his own hands after the hoodie scum on his estate kill his best friend David Bradley. The nightmarish crimeridden landscape is not as cartoonish as that other elderly vs street thugs classic DEATH WISH III, but a pretty reactionary vision nonetheless. As knee-jerk vigilante fantasies go, this is quite enjoyable, and nicely grim. With Jack O’Connell, Emily Mortimer, Charlie Creed-Miles and Iain Glen as cops, Ben Drew and Liam Cunningham.

THE HARVEST (1992 US) D/W: DAVID MARCONI P: JASON CLARK/MORGAN MASON In this intriguing but ultimately failed extension of a popular urban myth, down-on-his-luck screenwriter Miguel Ferrer has a kidney removed in the night while doing research on a murder in Mexico. Ferrer’s real-life wife Leilani Sanelle is the femme fatale and Henry Silva is a corrupt police chief. There are two endings. One continues Ferrer’s narration and is pretty uninspired, while another has a voice-over from Harvey Fierstein (a movie producer) that’s so outrageously implausible that it’s a lot more fun. With Tim Thomerson, Matt Clark, Angelica Aragon and Goerge Clooney credited as “lip-syncing transvestite”.

HASAMI OTOKO (the scissor man; the man behind the scissors) (2004 JPN) D/W: TOSHIHARU IKEDA W: MASAHITO KAGAWA P: HIDEKI KAMA/TETSUJI HAYASHI/ATSUSHI WATANABE Someone is stabbing schoolgirls in the throat around the Saitama area. The police are baffled by the killer dubbed The Scissor Man, but we know from the beginning that it’s Kumiko Aso and her mysterious companion Etsushi Toyokawa. Hiroshi Abe co-stars as a police psychologist on the case. You won’t believe how badly staged the main, alleged “surprise” element is. Anyone who can’t guess it within the first five mins has obviously not been to the pictures in at least a decade (like the screenwriter maybe?), and deserves to sit through this dross, based on Masayuki Shuno’s novel. A second surprise is almost as obvious if you’re at all familiar with the principal actors. With Miyuki Ono (from Ikeda’s EVIL DEAD TRAP) and Minori Terada. Amazingly, the advertising in Japan included iconography that pointed out the “surprise” even before you sat down to watch. Poor show all round.

HATCHET FOR THE HONEYMOON (blood brides; red wedding night; un hacha para la lunda de miel; il roso segno della follia; un acetta per la luna di mele) (1969 ITL SPN) D/W: MARIO BAVA W: SANTIAGO MONCADA/MORIO MUSY P: MANUEL CANO Utterly screwy and over-the-top (and, of course, very stylish) shocker from Bava features a psycho with a secret room full of mannequins dressed in wedding gowns. Ridiculous surprise ending and all, I thoroughly enjoyed seeing this on a big-screen. With Dagmar Lassander, Laura Betti, Jesus Puente, Femi Bunussi, Luciano Pigozzi and Gerard Tichy.

HATCHET MAN See: NATURE OF THE BEAST

THE HATCHET MURDERS See: DEEP RED

HATE See: LA HAINE

HATRED See: LA HAINE

THE HAUNTED (1991 US) D: ROBERT MANDEL W: DARRAH CLOUD P: DANIEL SCHNEIDER Sally Kirkland and her family are terrorised by ghosts in their new house in this very, very dull tv movie based on a book by Robert Curran, Jack Smurl, Janet Smurl, Ed Warren and Lorraine Warren, itself based on true events. With Jeffrey De Munn, Diane Baker and George Wallace.

HAUNTED (1995 UK) D/W/P: LEWIS GILBERT W: TIM PRAGER/BOB KELLET P: ANTHONY ANDREWS Aidan Quinn is a psychologist in the 1920s plagued by nightmares of when his twin sister drowned as a kid. He also investigates and exposes fake “spiritual” happenings such as séances, so is invited to a big old country estate by sad, frightened nanny Anna Massey (from PEEPING TOM) to see if there are ghosts there. He falls in love with Kate Beckinsale, who seems to have a perverse relationship with her brothers (one is executive producer Anthony Andrews). Sir John Gielgud is the family doctor. With Liz Smith. This ghost movie, based on James Herbert’s novel, is never scary, but is pretty good with some surprises.

THE HAUNTED AND THE HUNTED See: DEMENTIA 13

HAUNTED HONEYMOON (1986 US) D/W: GENE WILDER W: TERENCE MARSH P: SUSAN RUSKIN Wilder and his (real-life) wife Gilda Radner are 1930s radio stars who visit his childhood mansion for a family reunion. Someone is a werewolf in this terribly unfunny comedy (no matter how much you love Wilder, like me) with Dom DeLuise (as a woman), Paul L. Smith (CRIMEWAVE), Jonathan Pryce, Peter Vaughan, Bryan Pringle and Jim Carter. It’s a homage to the 30s and 40s WHISTLING… film series and THE CAT AND THE CANARY (note sets).

THE HAUNTED HOUSE See: HELP! (1924)

THE HAUNTED LANTERN See: OTSUYU

THE HAUNTED PALACE (1963 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: CHARLES BEAUMONT After THE HOUSE OF USHER, THE PIT AND THE PENDLUM, THE PREMATURE BURIAL, TALES OF TERROR and THE RAVEN, the next in Corman’s Poe cycle for AIP isn’t really based on Poe at all (a passage from his titular poem, which later found its way into The Fall Of The House Of Usher, is recited at the end), but is in fact the first official screen adaptation of a story by H.P. Lovecraft (hard to believe now, but he was largely ignored by the mainstream until some 60s paperback reprints), namely his classic 1927 novella The Case Of Charles Dexter Ward (unpublished until an abridged version ran in Weird Tales magazine in 1941, posthumously). Set in the 1870s, it stars Vincent Price as Ward, who arrives in the cursed town of Arkham (with wife Debra Paget) to lay claim to an ancestral cliff-top palace. He is possessed by his ageless great-grandfather Joseph Curwen, a warlock who worships gods from the Necronomicon and sacrifices young women. Lon Chaney Jr. is his caretaker. The whole cursed village/mutant offspring stuff is taken from other Lovecraft tales, such as Shadow Over Innsmouth, and this is overall a pretty loose adaptation, clearly more inspired by the horrors of Hammer. It is also the least interesting and most boring of the series of Poe-related films (THE MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH and THE TOMB OF LIGEIA followed). With Frank Marshall, Leo Gordon, Elisha Cook Jr., John Dierkes, Milton Parsons, Guy Wilkerson, I. Stanford Jolley, Bruno VeSota and Jack Tornek. Francis Ford Coppola worked on some of the dialogue, Floyd Crosby was the cinematographer and the art director was Daniel Haller (who later directed the second Lovecraft adaptation for AIP, DIE, MONSTER, DIE!). THE RESURRECTED was a later, much more successful adaptation of this story.

THE HAUNTED PLANET See: PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES

HAUNTED SCHOOL See: ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GHOST STORY (series)

THE HAUNTED WEEKEND See: GRIM WEEKEND

THE HAUNTED WORLD OF EDWARD D. WOOD, JR. (1995 US) D/P: BRETT THOMPSON P: CRAWFORD JOHN THOMAS A very slick and stylised documentary on Ed Wood, considered to be definitive (even though it doesn’t really go beyond NIGHT OF THE GHOULS in much detail, an unidentified behind-the-scenes look at ORGY OF THE DEAD being as close as it gets. In fact it’s comparable to the ED WOOD feature by Tim Burton, correcting some of it fallacies). Thomas (who worked with Wood on CROSSROADS OF LAREDO) hosts, and managed to shoehorn in his love for D.W. Griffith (there are clips from 1915’s THE BIRTH OF A NATION). Interviewees include Maila “Vampira” Nurmi (who claims Orson Welles gave her an STD!), Dolores Fuller, Bela Lugosi Jr. (who is much nicer in the pretty interesting dvd commentary), Loretta King, Harry Thomas, Conrad Brooks, Gregory Walcott, Joe Robertson (LOVE FEAST), Paul Marco (dressed as Kelton the Cop) and 92-year-old Lyle Talbot (who tells a great story I’ve not heard anywhere else, including Rudolph Grey’s Nightmare Of Ecstasy book). We also hear the recorded voice of Wood. It’s better made than FLYING SAUCERS OVER HOLLYWOOD, but lacks some of its detail. I guess Wood completists will see them both (and there’s also ED WOOD: LOOK BACK IN ANGORA [1994]). Thompson had previously directed ADVENTURES IN DINOSAUR CITY (1992).

THE HAUNTING (1963 UK) D/P: ROBERT WISE W: NELSON GIDDING Robert Johnson is an anthropologist who invites two women with experience in psychic phenomenon (Julie Harris and Claire Bloom) and Russ Tamblyn to haunted Hill House, a remote mansion in New England that has a history of accidental death and suicide, and a place where “the dead are not quite”. They are to help him monitor supernatural activity and prove or disprove its reputation in this classic b/w horror movie. Davis Boultan’s photography, Humphrey Seale’s score and Wise’s expert direction help make this a movie that still scares today. Harris is excellent. With Rosalie Crutchley, Lois Maxwell, Valentine Dyall and Ronald Adam. Based on Shirley Jackson’s The Haunting of Hill House. There was a horrible big-budget FX-laden remake in 1999.

THE HAUNTING (1963/II) See: THE TERROR (1963)

HAUNTING FEAR (dream cemetery) (1989 US) D/W/P: “SHERMAN SCOTT” (FRED OLEN RAY) P: DIANA JAFFE Brinke Stevens lives in her late father’s house with adulterous husband Jay Richardson (generally busy having rough sex with secretary Delia Sheppard). She has nightmares about being buried alive and suspects family doctor Robert Clarke (a 50s icon who would appear in many Olen Ray movies) of having deliberately killed her father. Richardson and Sheppard try to scare her to death by burying her, but she returns with a big knife in this awful, cheap-looking and talky Poe adaptation. The cast just about makes it watchable: Robert Quarry is a moneylender, Jan-Michael Vincent is someone who may or may not work for him, Karen Black is a hypnotist and Michael Berryman appears as a gleeful undertaker.

THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT (ectoplasm) (2009 US CAN) D: PETER CORNWELL W: ADAM SIMON/TIM METCALFE P: PAUL BROOKS/DANIEL FARRANDS/WENDY RHOADS/ANDREW TRAPANIS “Based on a true story”, a New York-based family headed by Virginia Madsen and recovering alcoholic Martin Donovan rent a home in Connecticut so that their teenage son (Kyle Gallner, who’s very good) can be closer to the hospital offering experimental trial treatment for his terminal cancer. The big Colonial-era house was formerly a funeral home, and is obviously haunted from the get-go. This much is based on a real-life case which was documented in a Discovery Channel reconstruction programme (with the same title) from 2002. But this surprisingly superior horror movie (after a shaky start with some misjudged, cliché scare scenes) ends with pure fabrication and speculation, and is all the better for it. Parts are similar to AMITYVIILE II: THE POSSESSION. With Amanda Crew, Elias Koteas as a dying reverend and a clip of Harold Lloyd. It was shot in Winnipeg, Canada. As directors, the interesting screenwriters gave us CARNOSAUR and KILLER: A JOURNAL OF MURDER (1995) respectively. Among the extras on the disc is an interesting short doc on the 19th century practice of postmortem photography.

THE HAUNTING OF HAMILTON HIGH See: HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT 2

THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY (2008 US) D/P: MICKEY LIDDELL W: JOHN TRAVIS/REBECCA SONNENSHINE P: JENNIFER HILTON Haley Bennett is Molly, a traumatised teen at a new school after her institutionalised mother tried to kill her. She experiences hallucinations and thinks she may be going crazy, too. Jake Weber is her concerned father. I thought this so-so supernatural thriller had some potential, until I realised midway through that it’s a rip-off of the (better) obscurity ALISON’S BIRTHDAY. With Chace Crawford, AnnaLynne McCord, Nina Siemaszko, Randy Wayne (DUKES OF HAZZARD: THE BEGINNING) and Jessica Lowndes.

HAUTE TENSION (switchblade romance) (2003 FRA) D/W: ALEXANDRE AJA W: GREGORY LEVASSEUR P: ALEXANDRE ARCADY/ROBERT BENMUSSA Student Cecile De France drives with her best girl friend to her family’s remote country home to study. A killer (Philippe Nahon) who’s first seen using a severed head for fellatio drives up in his van in the middle of the night and slaughters the family. De France tries to rescue her friend from the psycho without giving herself away. The title translates as “High Tension”, which is the perfect way to describe this nailbiting (and gory) horror, one of the better examples of the genre in recent years. Some viewers felt betrayed by an important twist in the tale, and I’ll admit it does leave some plot holes, but it’s so exhilarating that you’ll overlook the minor faults. Recommended. With Gabriel Spahiu and grisly Gianetto De Rossi FX. It was filmed in Romania. In 1997, there was a tv miniseries adaptation of Dean R. Koontz’s novel INTENSITY, which was clearly the uncredited template here.

HAVE SWORD, WILL TRAVEL (the bodyguard; biu biu; bao biao) (1969 HK) D: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW A big shipment of silver is passing through town, so bandits led by Ku Feng are planning to steal it. Another clan (including top billed Ti Lung) are sworn to protect it. A travelling sword fighter (David Chiang) is the tragic hero stuck in the middle of the dispute, and a love triangle involving Ti Lung’s betrothed. Plenty of decent sword fighting (choreographed by Tang Chia and Yuang Hsiang Jen), lots of bright spurting blood and agreeable drama and pathos make it another Chang Cheh gem. With Cheng Miu, Wong Kwong Yue, Li Ching, Cliff Lok, Wong Ching Ho, Wong Chung, Chan Sing, Cheng Lui, Yuen Cheung Yan, Yuen Shun-Yi, Wong Pau Gei, Fung Hak On, Chan Chuen, Tsang Choh Lam, Ho Pak Kwong, Yen Shi Kwan and Jason Pai Piao.

THE HAWK See: RIDE HIM, COWBOY

HAWK’S FIST See: SHAOLIN IRON CLAWS

HAXAN (witchcraft through the ages; the witches; heksen) (1921 SWE DEN) D/W: BENJAMIN CHRISTENSEN P: ERNEST MATTSEN This silent movie classic opens with a look at many paintings and pictures illustrating the practises of witchcraft in the 15th and 16th centuries. It really gets impressive when b/w live action reconstructions of Devil worship, witchcraft and hysterical witch trials kick in. Some of the visuals are amazing and look like they must have been really expensive for the time. Parallels with 20th century psychiatry and supernatural hoaxers keep it relevant, and the very contemporary feel makes it hard to believe this was made over 80 years ago (unsurprisingly, it was banned all over the place for many years). Available in various running times (it was originally over two hours), this review refers to the most widely circulated 1968 reissue (overseen by Anthony Balch of HORROR HOSPITAL fame) with a jazz soundtrack and great deadpan satirical narration from William S. Burroughs. With Clara Pontroppidan, Elith Pio, Oscar Stribolt, Ib Schoenberg, director Alice O’Fredericks and Christensen (who later made 7 FOOTPRINTS TO SATAN in America) as a scary Devil.

THE HAZARD CITY (the city of lost souls; hyoriu gai) (2000 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: ICHIRO RYU P: KAZUNARI HIGUCHI/TOSHIKI KIMURA Director Miike’s insistence on developing no definite style and his anarchic, surreal disregard for the old-school rules of cinema sometimes results in entertaining attempts like the outrageous FUDOH and DEAD OR ALIVE: HANZAISHA. But sometimes we are left with pretentious, long-winded and dull experiments like this tale of a Brazilian gangster looking after his Chinese wife in Tokyo. With the busy Ren Osugi, Mutsuhiro Oikawa, Koji Hikawa, Akira Emoto, Hua Rong Wong and an animated cockfight. Based on a book by Hase Seishu.

HAZE (2005 JPN) D/W/P: SHINYA TSUKAMOTO P: SHINNICHI KAWAHARA Tsukamoto plays a man who wakes up and finds himself trapped in a small dark space in which he can hardly move. After he does find an immensely uncomfortable, tooth-grinding way to explore his surroundings (Tsukamoto proves he can still make a jaded audience flinch), he finds he has company (Kaori Fuji, star of TOKYO FIST). I won’t explain any more, as this featurette only runs approximately 50 mins, and I want to save you some surprises. An ambiguous experiment that manages to mix Tsukamoto’s visceral style with his more elegant, sublime ruminations, it is well worth a look. Incidentally, NIGHTMARE DETECTIVE (2006) was a rubbish major release hack job from Tsukamoto, while the more low-key sequel (2008) was an improvement.

THE HEAD (des satans nackte sklavin) (1959 W.GER) D/W: VICTOR TRIVAS P: WOLFE C. HARTWIG Michel Simon is a doctor who can keep a dog’s head alive (not shown) and has promised a hunchbacked nurse a new body. After he dies, another impostor doctor (star Horst Frank) keeps Simon’s head alive, and demands that he help him carry on with the experiments himself. He checks out a local strip club for possible sexy donor bodies. If this sounds extremely similar to the American trash classic THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN’T DIE (made the same year, but not released until later), you’d be right. But seeing how this didn’t play in the States immediately, one must assume it was a coincidence, or there’s a third sexy talking head movie (!) or book or tv episode or something that both filmmakers saw/read/heard about. The search is on! I digress. If I had to choose, I’d rather watch BRAIN again, but THE HEAD is an interesting effort, with a more spooky, gothic approach, and is definitely worth seeing. Apparently the respected French actor Simon accepted the potentially embarrassing role after some tainted makeup left him temporarily paralysed and out of work. With Barbara Valentin, Paul Dahlke and Dieter Eppler.

HEAD (1968 US) D/W/P: BOB RAFAELSON W/P: JACK NICHOLON W: THE MONKEES Fuck YELLOW SUBMARINE, this is more like it! The Monkees (Peter Tork, Mickey Dolenz, Davy Jones and Michael Nesmith) star in their own plotless psychedelic counterculture classic that negates their light tv series (The Monkees) and must have confused the hell out of the group’s young teenybopper fans. Difficult to really describe, it’s an always changing, almost sketchbased odyssey that’s full of surprises and great visuals. And check out the guest star list: Frank Zappa, Sonny Listen, Victor Mature, Carol Doda, Annette Funicello, Terri Garr, Tiger Joe Marsh, Dennis Hopper (in a dated behind-the-scenes gag that stretches back to HELLZAPOPPIN’), Timothy Carey, Logan Ramsey, Vito Scotti, Percy Helton and Toni Basil. Monte Hellman edited and Michael Hugo was the cinematographer. Rafaelson made FIVE EASY PIECES (1970) (with Nicholson) next.

THE HEAD LADY See: THE HEAD MISTRESS

THE HEADLESS EYES (1971 US) D/W: KENT BATEMAN P: RONALD SULIVAN Bo Brundin is very intense as an artist in Manhattan who has his eye gouged out with a spoon after he breaks into a woman’s apartment. After that he kills people while ranting, removes their eyes to freeze and uses them in sculptures (and there’s lots of eyeballs on a briefly seen mobile!). It’s a one-note movie that just goes on and on, but it’s offbeat enough to be engrossing. The soundtrack has repetitive psych guitar. I wonder if it inspired THE DRILLER KILLER? The director, by the way, is the father of Jason Bateman.

HEADLESS HERO (pii hua kaad) (2002 THAI) D: KOMSON TEEPONG This horror movie begins with a comic sequence in which an exorcist and his three bumbling apprentices (a hard-of-hearing guy, a cross-eyed one who seems to be later possessed by a gay transvestite, and some other goon) dig up a woman’s fresh corpse. The wrong spell results in zombies rising, but they seem to halt in their tracks when the exorcist’s trousers fall down?!? Big laughs when a guy gets bitten on the ass by a snake and another has to suck out the poison. This sequence seems to have nothing to do with the rest of the film. The real story has a handsome young kick-boxing stranger in town falling in love with a cute local girl, and immediately making enemies of local thugs. After he wins the usually rigged annual buffalo race and other contrived stuff involving temple robbery, the nice guy is decapitated by the mean one. It all results in a headless avenger (and his undead buffalo) out for revenge with a scythe. There’s also death by a sheet of corrugated iron and four brave magical midgets in the magical climax. Most of this nonsense was pretty entertaining, but the two-hour running time is far too long for it not to grate before the end (actually the midsection). There are outtakes during the end credits. HEADLESS HERO 2 (2004) followed.

THE HEAD MISTRESS (the head lady) (1968 US) D: “B. RON ELLIOTT” (BYRON MABE) The new mute gardener fucks around with the young lovelies at a girls’ finishing school in this fairly typical adults only silliness from the director of SPACE THING and others. Fans of tame, dated slap and tickle (with a little light SM thrown in) will know what to expect, while others won’t find much to arouse their interest (not a good place for beginners to get into the genre, either). “Bermuda Schwartz” (!) stars, with Stacey Walker and Marsha Jordan. The dvd double bill (with THE NOTORIOUS DAUGHTER OF FANNY HILL) also includes the nudist camp short BUT CHARLIE, I’VE NEVER PLAYED VOLLEYBALL, and STACEY WALKER, DREAMGIRL. So that’s the entire Stacey Walker story on one disc.

HEAD OF THE FAMILY (1996 US) D/W/P: “ROBERT TALBOT” (CHARLES BAND) W: BENJAMIN CARR A small-time hustler and burger bar owner (who’s fucking a mean biker heavy’s very sexy girlfriend, the frequently naked Jacqueline Lovell) wants her man out of the way. One night he sees the strange Stagpool family kidnapping a passing motorist for experiments and proposes that he won’t squeal if they off the biker for him. But when the guy gets greedy the Stagpools must exact their revenge. Myron Stagpool is the title mutant, a giant head in a wheelchair. He has psychic connections with his zombie-like brothers and sisters. One has bug eyes, one acts like Tor Johnson and the other is a large-breasted blonde. It’s odd, and not really that much better than your average Full Moon release. But it does have a certain charm and is sometimes oddly inspired. I enjoyed watching it. Band was also the executive producer. Carr has written many other more generic releases for him.

THE HEAD THAT WOULDN’T DIE See: THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN’T DIE

HEALTH WARNING See: FLASH FUTURE KUNG FU

THE HEARSE (1980 US) D: GEORGE BOWERS W: WILL BLEICH W/P: MARK TENSER P: CHARLES RUSSELL Traumatised Trish Van Devere moves to the country to do up an old family house and get away from it all. Unfriendly locals resent and/or ignore her because of the history of witchcraft practised in the house, and a mysterious hearse follows her around. This nonsensical Crown International release is a real bore. With Joseph Cotten, Christopher McDonald, Chuck Mitchell (PORKY’S) and director Donald Petrie. Bowers also helmed the BODY AND SOUL (1981) remake. [Illus.]

HEART (1999 UK) D: CHARLES McDOUGALL W: JIMMY McGOVERN P: NICOLA SHINDLER Saskia Reeves is the mother of a teen who dies in a road accident. Christopher Eccleston is the sick man to whom the heart is donated. Reeves (who has an almost oedipal relationship with her son) is hit hard by the loss of her son and starts stalking Eccleston and his unfaithful wife. But this fine thriller never goes quite the way you expect it to, and is pretty surprising. With Rhys Ifans (TWIN TOWN) and Bill Paterson. It was nice to see such a well-paced entertaining exploitation movie from Britain at the time.

HEART OF DRAGON (the first mission; loung dik sam; long de xin) (1985 HK) D: SAMO HUNG W: BARRY WONG P: WU MA/CHUN LAM Hung is excellent as a mentally disabled man with the mind of a kid who becomes unwittingly involved in a gangland fight over stolen goods. Jackie Chan plays it straight as his cop brother to the rescue. People are often surprised that they really enjoy this kung fu drama with its heavier emphasis on the drama. It’s mostly due to Hung’s incredible performance. With Dick Wei, Lam Ching Ying, Melvin Wong, Meng Hoi, Tai Bo, James Tin Jun, Wu Ma, Phillip Ko Fei, Chin Kar Lok, Yuen Wah, Corey Yuen Kwai, Lee Hoi Sang, Peter Chan Lung, Fung Hak On, Chung Faat, Teddy Yip, Dennis Chan, San Kuai, Anthony Chan, Wu Fung, Fung Ging Man, Ben Lam Kwok Bun, Blacky Ko, Billy Chan, Hsiao Ho, Lau Kar Wing, Fruit Chan, Chan Chuen, Jeng Maang Ha and Huang Ha.

HEART OF GLASS (herz aus glas) (1976 W.GER) D/W/P: WERNER HERZOG W: HERBERT ACHTERN BUSCH In one of Herzog’s least accessible films, a village is plunged into confusion, depression and madness after the glassmaker with the secret for the famed ruby-red glass sculptures dies, taking the information with him. One character seems to be a prophet who warns of imminent destruction. Confusing, scattered and somewhat pretentious oddity shouldn’t really work, but there’s something undeniably fascinating about it. Viewers who were attuned to some of Herzog’s more famous works like AGUIRRE are advised to give it a try. With music by Popol Vuh. Apparently the cast were all hypnotised prior to their scenes.

HEART OF MIDNIGHT (1988 US) D/W: MATTHEW CHAPMAN P: ANDREW GATY Jennifer Jason Leigh stars as a mentally unhinged woman who moves into an empty warehouse club which was owned by her uncle who died of AIDS. She hallucinates, is raped and mysterious Peter Coyote hangs about. It’s kind of interesting with some surprises, but HEART OF MIDNIGHT doesn’t really work. With Steve Buscemi, Frank Stallone, Brenda Vaccaro, James Rebhorn and visible boom mics.

HEART OF STONE See: BACK IN BUSINESS

HEARTS AND MINDS See: THE MASTER TOUCH

HEAT (andy warhol’s…) (1972 US) D/W: PAUL MORRISSEY W: JOHN HOWELL P: ANDY WARHOL Following on from FLESH and TRASH, HEAT is the last of Morrissey’s great, loose trilogy starring the iconic Joe Dallesandro. He plays a former child star and musician who moves into a motel run by Pat Ast in California, and then subsequently works his way into forgotten movie star Sylvia Miles’ big old Hollywood-style mansion. Morrissey’s take on the Hollywood of SUNSET BLVD. is just as potent and sardonic as his view of New York City. The pathetic grand finale is a neat capper on this hilarious gem. Parts of John Cale’s soundtrack are very interesting.

HEAT (big heat) (1986 US) D: R.M. (DICK) RICHARDS W: WILLIAM GOLDMAN P: KEITH ROTMAN/ GEORGE PAPPAS In this odd, unsatisfying film, Burt Reynolds plays a ’nam vet and legendary jack-of-all-trades in the seedier underbelly of Las Vegas. Wimpy Peter MacNicol is a fan who reads about him in Soldier of Fortune magazine (!) and wants Reynolds’ to teach him how to fight and “lead a braver life.” Meanwhile, Reynolds is hunted by mob hitmen after humiliating and stealing money from a gangster’s arrogant, sadistic son. It’s kind of a comedythriller, I guess. With Howard Hesseman and Diana Scarwid. This Cannon release was the final credit for Richards, who directed the classic, underappreciated western THE CULPEPPER CATTLE CO. and FAREWELL MY LOVELY (among others). Goldman (who’s written many a critically acclaimed hit) adapted it from his own novel.

HEAT HAZE THEATRE See: KAGERO-ZA

HEATHERS (1989 US) D: MICHAEL LEHMANN W: DANIEL WATERS P: DENISE DI NOVI Christian Slater is the new kid in a Westerburg, Ohio, school who leads schoolgirl Winona Ryder to the wrong side of the tracks. Shannen Doherty leads a trio of bitchy in-crowd rich teens, who represent the hierarchy Slater is rebelling against. Overrated black comedy from Lehmann (I preferred his MEET THE APPLEGATES) is still quite fun to watch, although reminiscent of the superior MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH. With Glenn Shadix and Renee Estevez.

HEAT SHIMMER THEATRE See: KAGERO-ZA

HEAT WAVE (kagero) (1990 JPN) D: HIDEO GOSHA W: KOJI TAKADA P: YOSHINOBU NISHIOKA Kanako Higuchi stars as a travelling gambler of immense skill in this period gambling/yakuza drama/ action movie. She ends up in a match against the equally gifted Tatsuya Nakadai, in an attempt to win back an old friend’s gambling den from Hakuryu (star of countless direct-to-tv yakuza movies). This one is pretty exciting throughout, regardless of whether you dig gambling flicks or not. With Masahiro Motoki, Rino Katse, Shima Iwashita (star of the Gosha-helmed Takada-scripted WIVES OF THE YAKUZA), Naoto Takenaka, Takuzo Kawatani, Tetsuro Tamba, Tamio Kawaji, Kazuo Kitamura, Shigeru Koyama, Ken Ogata, Isao Natsuyagi, Eiji Okada, Keiko Oginome and Tsuyoshi Ujiki. Yoshinobu Okuyama was the executive producer. Gosha made only one more, 1992’s THE OIL-HELL MURDER. There was a (unrelated?) KAGERO 2 in 1996.

HEAVEN AND EARTH MAGIC (1957–62 US ANIMATED) D: HARRY SMITH Smith was a pretty fascinating figure, an animator working since the 30s who was part of the Beat movement, and a dedicated occultist (among other things; there’s a chapter on him in Jack Sargeant’s book Beat Cinema). A lot of his work is lost or extremely difficult to see, this (53 mins in the print I saw) piece being his most viewed today, I think. It’s a pretty incredible and utterly engrossing nonlinear/narrative series of images that are beyond surreal, creating a unique visual lexicon of their own. And if you think that sounds pretentious, then you try summing-up the events in a capsule review. The animation utilises pictures cut out from books, a style which may sometimes remind you of the animations Terry Gilliam made for Monty Python (I wonder if Smith was an inspiration?). It’s often (somehow) very funny, I laughed a lot. Seeking this gem out is worth the time and effort.

HEAVEN AND HELL (1979) See: SHAOLIN HELLGATE

HEAVEN AND HELL GATE See: SHAOLIN HELLGATE

HEAVENLY CREATURES (1994 NZ UK GER) D/W: PETER JACKSON W: FRANCES WALSH P: JIM BOOTH Only horror nuts knew of Jackson for his BAD TASTE, MEET THE FEEBLES and BRAINDEAD when this arthouse hit made him a media darling. Set in New Zealand, it’s an excellent low-key drama that shows how shy schoolgirls Melanie Lynsky and her rich English friend Kate Winslet (later in TITANIC) ended up killing Lynsky’s mother in the 50s (it’s based on a true story). The two dangerously close friends’ fantasy world includes an obsession with Orson Welles. Jackson (who, as if you didn’t know, went on to even greater and deserved success) makes a cameo. Wynslet’s character was later revealed to be a well-known author (Anne Perry), who had changed her name again and became a schoolteacher. This got all the attention, but also check out FUN.

HEAVY METAL (1985) See: BLOOD TRACKS

HEAVY METAL PARKING LOT (1986 US) D/P: JOHN HEYN/JEFF KRULIK Great, compact 16 mins document of young heavy metal fans hanging out and getting loaded in the parking lot of the Capitol City Arena, Landover, Maryland (now the site of a shopping mall) prior to a Judas Priest concert. At once embarrassing, touching, repulsive and comforting — a little time capsule gem. Krulik later made the doc ERNEST BORGNINE ON A BUS (1997).

HEBI ONNA (2000 JPN) D: ATSUSHI SHIMIZU W: CHIAKI KONAKA P: TSUENO SETO/TOMOYUKI IMAII/YUKI OOTA Professional model Hinako Saeki begins an awkward relationship with skin care research scientist Tamotsu Ishibashi. She’s bitten by a snake and he turns out to be fucking his sister (Yuuna Natsuki), who may also be a reptile-faced monster. Plentiful atmosphere can’t make up for a stupid script and a snail’s pace. With lots of annoying high pitched laughter, bad acting, music stolen from the VIOLENT COP soundtrack and Saeki singing over the end credits. The title translates as “Snake Woman”.

THE HEIRESS OF DRACULA See: VAMPYROS LESBOS

HEIST (2001 US CAN) D/W: DAVID MAMET P: ART LINSON/ELIE SAMAHA/ANDREW STEVENS Gene Hackman is a boatbuilder and high profile thief who’s blackmailed by associate Danny DeVito into pulling off one more gold heist. Sam Rockwell is DeVito’s fuck-up nephew who goes along as part of the deal. Delroy Lindo, Rebecca Pidgeon and Ricky Jay make up the rest of the crew in this overly convoluted but reasonably enjoyable heist thriller rife with twists. Excellent performances are a plus. With Benz Antoine, Mark Camacho, Patti LuPone, Tony Calabretta and Richard Zeman.

HELD HOSTAGE See: FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE

HELL (1960) See: JIGOKU

HELL (2003) See: IN HELL

HELL ASYLUM (2002 US) D: DANNY DRAVEN W: TRENT HAAGA P: J.R. BOOKWALTER/TAMMI SUTTON Four “hot chicks” take part in the “Chill Challenge” for a $1m prize. A goth, airhead blonde Tanya Dempsey, a black woman and grumpy brunette Debra Mayer must spend the night in a notorious haunted house/asylum with headsets and secret cameras that record their various tasks for a reality tv show. Hooded ghosts of abused and tortured Chinese mail order brides (including a briefly seen Brinke Stevens) murder everyone in gory ways. Joe Estevez appears briefly as a tv executive. Draven also edited this useless Full Moon release for executive producer Charles Band.

THE HELLBENDERS (the cruel ones; los despiadados; I crudeli) (1966 ITL SPN) D: SERGIO CORBUCCI D/W/P: “ALBERT BAND” (ALFREDO ANTONINI) W: UGO LIBERATORE/LOUIS GARFINKLE/JOSÉ GUTIERREZ MAESSO Joseph Cotten is a patriotic Confederate general who massacres a Union convoy carrying money with the help of his three sons. He wants to rebuild the Southern Army and continue the war. Norma Bengell is the woman forced to help them get out of enemy territory by pretending that she’s a widow and her husband is in the coffin full of money they carry. Everyone argues, fights and double-cross each other in this good spaghetti western. He used the pseudonym “Lee Nichols”, but that’s Ennio Morricone’s music on the soundtrack. Enzo Barboni was the photographer. With Aldo Sambrell, Giovanni Ivan Scratuglia, Rafael Vaquero, José Canalejas, Alvarode Luna, Benito Stefanelli, Julio Pena, Claudio Gorra, Ennio Girolami, José Nieto and Maria Martin. Corbucci made the classic DJANGO.

HELL BENT (1997) See: THE PEACEKEEPER

HELLBORN See: THE SINISTER URGE

HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER 2 (1988 US UK) D: TONY RANDEL W: PETER ATKINS P: CHRISTOPHER FIGG Ashley Laurence and Clare Higgins return in this “two hours after” sequel that begins with Laurence in an asylum. Everyone ends up in Hell, which is a dreary unimaginative series of corridors at the bottom of a long staircase. Doug Bradley is Pinhead again who leads some interesting Cenobites. With Kenneth Cranham. Clive Barker was an executive producer. HELLRAISER 3 followed.

HELLBOY (2004 US) D/W: GUILLERMO DEL TORO W: PETER BRIGGS P: LAWRENCE GORDON/LLOYD LEVIN/MIKE RICHARDSON A precredit sequence shows how Rasputin (Karel Roden) and the Nazis were prevented from opening a portal to Hell during WWII. A small red-skinned child with horns did get through though, and in the present day is a cigar-smoking, resentful monster-hunter (with guns) who’s locked up in an underground chamber hideout with another amphibious mutant and “father” John Hurt. Rupert Evans is to be Hurt’s successor at looking after Hellboy (Ron Perlman) and Selma Blair co-stars as a pyrokinetic love interest. Rasputin returns to unleash several tentacled beasts in this reasonably fun comic book adaptation that for some reason critics went overboard to praise, despite being no better than several other superhero movies of recent years. With Jeffrey Tambor, Santiago Segura, Mike Mignola (who wrote the original comic) and the voice of David Hyde Pierce. There was a (better) 2008 sequel with even more H.P. Lovecraft-inspired goings-on.

HELLCAMP (opposing force) (1986 US) D: ERIC KARSON W: “GIL COWAN” (L.J. COWGILL) P: DANIEL BERK/TAMAR E. GLASER Tom Skerritt and Lisa Eichorn take part in a tough military training mission on a tropical island. They’re supposed to be put through gruelling emotional and physical torture, but the commandant (Anthony Zerbe, who’s very good) flips his lid and starts raping and killing. Richard Roundtree co-stars, with John Considine and George Cheung. Not bad (if undistinguished) little exploitation movie. It was filmed in the Philippines.

HELL CATS See: THE HOT BOX

HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN (1987 US) D: ROBERT J. KIZER D/W/P: DONALD G. JACKSON W/P: RANDALL FRAKES “Rowdy” Roddy Piper stars as Sam Hell, a wanderer in the post-nuke world who’s discovered by a tribe of women who decide he’s the one to help repopulate Earth. Sandahl Bergman is the scientist who puts him in an exploding chastity belt. Steve Wang created the great frogmen mutant villains for this fun, stupid-and-proud-of-it, sci-fi action comedy (that’s played with a straight face, to its advantage). With William Smith, Rory Calhoun, Nicholas Worth and Lee Garlington. FROGTOWN 2 (1992) was the bad sequel to this surprise video hit.

HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN 3 See: TOAD WARRIOR

HELLDAMIAN 3 See: LUKAS’ CHILD

HELL DRIVER See: DRIVE ANGRY

HELL DRIVERS (1957 UK) D/W: CY ENFIELD W: JOHN KRUSE P: BENJAMIN FISZ Ex-con Stanley Baker gets a dangerous job hauling ballast to and from a building site in a dodgy truck at top speeds along bad roads. Patrick McGoohan is his mean pace-setting rival who turns out to be in league with crooked boss William Hartnell. Other drivers in this pretty good b/w blue-collar Brit trucking thriller include Herbert Lom (as an Italian nice guy), Sid James, Sean Connery and Alfie Bass. With Peggy Cummins, Jill Ireland, David McCallum, Gordon Jackson, Marjorie Rhodes, Beatrice Varley, Marianne Stone, Hal Osmond, Ben Williams and Ian Wilson.

HELL FIRE See: THEY (1972)

HELLFIRE ON ICE See: SWEET SUGAR

HELLFIRE ON ICE PART 2 See: ESCAPE FROM HELL

A HELL FOR WOMEN See: S.S. HELL CAMP

HELLGATE (1989 US S.AFR) D: WILLIAM LEVEY W: MICHAEL O’ROURKE P: ANANT SINGH You may know Levey as the director of the infamous BLACKENSTEIN, but he’s made other uniquely awful movies, too. This dumb horror movie features an inflating monster goldfish and a turtle-scarred killer (don’t ask!), among others. Abigail Wolcott looks great naked. Levey has a cameo.

HELLGUYVER See: THE RUNESTONE

HELL HAS NO GATES See: WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU

HELL HAZARD See: THE RESURRECTED

HELL HOLE (1978) See: WOMEN OF HELL’S ISLAND

HELLHOLE WOMEN See: SADOMANIA

HELL HOUSE GIRLS See: SCHOOL FOR UNCLAIMED GIRLS

HELLION: THE DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND See: CUBBYHOUSE

HELL ISLAND (1983) See: ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES

HELL ISLAND (1987) See: SLAUGHTERHOUSE ROCK

HELL ISLAND (2009) See: SURVIVING EVIL

HELLMASTER (1990 US) D/W/P: DOUGLAS SCHULZE P: DAVID J. DALTON/KURT ELI MAYRY Various students gather at a college campus to enroll in a special course dealing with psychic abilities. John Saxon is a crazed scientist who killed students at the campus 20 years earlier with a dangerous experimental drug (called “the reward”). He’s on his way back there with a “Happy Face Bible School” schoolbus full of addicted homeless people (with crosses on their foreheads) who look and act like mutant vampires. Among his flock is also a growling nun (played by Ron Ashton of The Stooges)! This inept and senseless horror movie is partially narrated by a reporter. The psychic angle is not really explored properly, and some cool ideas (a right-wing jock-type with a whip who says “every man needs a weapon”) are just dropped. With Jeff Rector.

HELL NIGHT (1981 US) D: TOM DE SIMONE W: RANDOLPH FELDMAN P: IRWIN YABLANS/BRUCE COHN CURTIS Linda Blair heads the cast as four college teens (in period costumes) have to spend the night in a big old mansion where a family was slaughtered, and a surviving mongoloid son is supposed to still lurk. Some peers play pranks until the decapitations begin in this very tame slasher flick that only livens up at the very end (when it’s too late). With Vince Van Patten and many visible boom shots. Chuck Russell was executive producer.

HELL NIGHT (1992) See: HAPPY HELL NIGHT

HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD (virus; night of the zombies; zombie creeping flesh; zombi 5; l’inferno dei morti viventi; apocalipsis canibal) (1980 ITL SPN) D/W: “VINCENT DAWN” (BRUNO MATTEI) W: CLAUDIO FRAGASSO/JOSÉ MARIA CUNILLES P: ISABL MULA A SWAT team vs toxic zombies in New Guinea. The only memorable part of this disaster/ gore movie is the eyeballs-exiting-from-mouth scene at the very end (cut from some prints). Footage from Barbet Schroeder’s 1972 film THE VALLEY and the mondo movie GUINEA AMA (1974) is used, as is the Goblin soundtrack from the Italian release of DAWN OF THE DEAD (among others). Vic Israel has a part and a zombie kid eats his dad. ZOMBIE 3 was a no-less terrible but more enjoyable gutmuncher from Mattei.

HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT 2 (the haunting of hamilton high) (1987 CAN) D: BRUCE PITTMAN W: RON OLIVER P: PETER SAMPSON It’s no classic, but this retitled “sequel” in-name-only is an enjoyable enough FX-filled CARRIE rip-off. A dead prom queen returns for supernatural revenge. Michael Ironside is the school principal. With Justin Louis, John Pyper-Ferguson and Larry Musser. Executive producer Ray Sager returned with more PROM NIGHT movies.

HELL PRISON See: ESCAPE FROM HELL

HELLRAISER (1987 UK) D/W: CLIVE BARKER P: CHRISTOPHER FIGG Andrew Robinson and Clare Higgins move into his old house in Britain. She finds his brother and her former lover in a room at the top of the house. He doesn’t have any skin or nerves, but because Robinson’s blood reanimated his body which was under the floorboards (great scene), she kills men lured to the house for more blood to make him whole again. And then, of course, there’s the Cenobites and the puzzlebox. Doug Bradley is Pinhead. I like some ideas here, and Bob Keen’s FX are great, but I think Barker’s visions work better in print. He made this due to dissatisfaction with earlier adaptations of his work, like TRANSMUTATIONS and RAWHEAD REX. With Ashley Laurence. HELLBOUND was the first sequel.

HELLRAISER 3: HELL ON EARTH (1992 US) D: ANTHONY HICKOX W: PETER ATKINS/TONY RANDEL P: LAWRENCE MORTORFF Pinhead (Doug Bradley, in two roles this time) escapes from a big cube sculpture in this not very good sequel (with ok parts). It’s supposed to be set in Manhattan, but was obviously filmed elsewhere (North Carolina). New gimmmicky Cenobites appear. Terry Farrell stars. With Paula Marshall, Robert C. Treveiler, Hickox, Ashley Laurence, James D.R. Hickox, Flame and Armored Saint. At one point Pinhead imitates Jesus on the cross.

HELLRAISER 4: BLOODLINE (1996 US) D: “ALLAN SMITHEE” (KEVIN YAGHER/JOE CHAPELLE) W: PETER ATKINS P: NANCY RAY STOE Smithee sequel is no worse than part 3, but that isn’t really saying much. Bruce Ramsay is the designer of a space station in the 22nd century who explains to Christine Harnos all about his ancestors (including the 15th century toymaker who built the puzzle box) and their fight against Pinhead (Doug Bradley) and the Cenobites. We see these events in flashbacks, and then it’s back to the future for Ramsay vs Pinhead. With Courtland Mead, Mark and Mike Polish, and Cenobite dogs (silly, but my favourite of the HELLRAISER films).

HELLRAISER 5: INFERNO (2000 US) D/W: SCOTT DERRICKSON W: PAUL HARRIS BOARDMAN P: W.K. BORDER/JOEL SOISSON Craig Sheffer is a puzzlesolving corrupt cop who opens the magic box during a murder investigation and starts receiving cryptic murder scene clues (including the severed fingers of a child) that point towards a mythical street figure called only “the engineer” (not-in-it-much Pinhead, Doug Bradley). Starts off vague, mysterious and interesting, but this waste-of-time sequel goes nowhere pretty fast, and doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense. With James Remar, Nicholas Turturro, Michael Shamus Wilse, Carmen Argenziano, Christopher Kriesa and a forced moralistic message ending.

HELLRAISER 6: HELLSEEKER (2002 US) D: RICK BOTA W: CARL V. DUPRE/TIMOTHY F. DAY P: MIKE LEAHY/RON SCHMIDT Dean Winters wakes up in a hospital after a car accident suffering from headaches, hallucinations and serious confusion. This basically means that the filmmakers can get away with any old nonsense and dismiss it as reality vs fantasy. At his work and his apartment building women hit on him all the time, and it turns out he was cheating on his wife (Ashley Laurence, seemingly cast to build weak links with earlier entries in the series) and might have been planning to kill her. With Rachel Hayward, Michael Rogers, Ken Camroux, Gus Lynch and Doug Bradley as Pinhead. The worst “sequel” so far to my mind, it was followed by HELLRAISER: DEADER and HELLRAISER: HELLWORLD both 2005 (by the same director and screenwriters) and HELLRAISER: REVELATIONS (2011). I haven’t seen these yet, but reports are not good.

HELL RIDE (2007 US) D/W/P: LARRY BISHOP P: MICHAEL STEINBERG/SHANA STEIN Biker movie veteran Bishop leads the Victors, out to avenge the death of one of their own. Meanwhile the 666er gang (led by crossbow-toting Vinnie Jones, clearly struggling with an American accent) are reforming, and lines are drawn in the sand. Everyone kills each other, ride around on bikes they don’t look comfortable on, spout atrocious “hip” dialogue (executive producer Quentin Tarantino was clearly an influence), posture, paw naked women (Bishop clearly has ego problems), drink and think they’re dead cool. Co-star Michael Madsen (whose performance is awful) is clearly enjoying himself, improvising and strutting around. The audience, however, is bored shitless. Eric Balfour co-stars, and there are bits from Dennis Hopper (who comes through remarkably unscathed) and David Carradine. With Leonor Varela (who has to deal with some of the worst lines). The soundtrack contains some cuts stolen from earlier, better pictures (THE WILD ANGELS, THE SAVAGE SEVEN). Bishop (son of comedian Joey) also directed MAD DOG TIME (which sucked in a similar way).

HELL’S ANGELS ON WHEELS (1967 US) D: RICHARD RUSH W: R. WRIGHT CAMPBELL P: JOE SOLOMON Dated but fun early biker movie stars Jack Nicholson (later in Rush’s PSYCH-OUT) as a gas station attendant who joins the Hell’s Angels and tries to steal leader Adam Roarke’s girl Sabrina Scharf. A nude body painting orgy is a highlight. With real-life Angel leader Sonny Barger (and other real-life bikers), Bruno VeSota, Jack Starrett, Bob Kelljan, John “Bud” Cardos and Robert Allen. Laszlo Kovacs was the photographer.

HELL’S BELLS See: BELLS

HELL’S CREATURES See: FRANKENSTEIN’S BLOODY TERROR

HELL’S HEROES See: THE INGLORIOUS BASTARDS

HELL’S HIGHWAY (1932 US) D/W: ROWLAND BROWN W: SAMUEL ORNITZ/ROBERT TASKER EXEC P: DAVID O. SELZNICK The autobiography of reallife convict and WWI vet “Robert E. Burns” (a pseudonym for the Rev. Vincent G. Burns), I Was A Fugitive From A Georgia Chain Gang, was first serialised in True Detective magazine in 1931. Warner’s bought the rights to officially adapt it as the classic I AM A FUGITIVE FROM A CHAIN GANG, but RKO managed to get this unauthorised b/w rip-off (that runs just over an hour) into theatres first. It’s not as good, but well worth watching, with some fascinating details left out of the other version. Robert Dix stars as a repeat-offending bank robber doing time on a chain gang road crew. The men are whipped, wear painted white targets on their backs and one dies chained-up in a sweat box. Oscar Apfel (once a very prolific director who co-helmed features with Cecil B. DeMille and Raoul Walsh) is a corrupt contractor worried about not getting enough work out of his free labourers (of course, sadistic warden C. Henry Gordon is getting his cut). Black convicts are segregated when not working (old railroad cars are used as cells with bunks). They include The Basin Street Boys, who sing (but the work songs heard are actually by The Ethude Ethiopia Chorus, also heard in Laurel & Hardy’s 1931 debut feature PARDON US). Clarence Muse (who appears) is also credited with writing some of the black convict music. Tom Brown co-stars as Dix’s little brother, who turns up at the same prison farm, causing Dix to postpone his planned escape. But there’s a fire and mass breakout in the final reel. Charles Middleton (FLASH GORDON’s Ming!) is fun as a bigamist religious huckster. With Stanely Fields, Louise Beavers, Rochelle Hudson, Warner P. Richmond, Fuzzy Knight, Allan Cavan, Robert Homans, Eddie Hart as a camp gay cook, Frank Marlowe, Bob Perry and former boxer John Lester Johnson (whose next role was in the infamous OUR GANG short THE KID FROM BORNEO). Director Brown seemed to care about social reform, and was a Wobbly unionist along with Woody Guthrie. Furthermore, Ornitz was later blacklisted as one of The Hollywood Ten. Tasker co-wrote DOCTOR X (from the same year). Val Kilmer later played Burns in the tv movie THE MAN WHO BROKE 1,000 CHAINS (1987).

HELL’S HIGHWAY: THE TRUE STORY OF HIGHWAY SAFTEY FILMS (2002 US) D/P: BRET WOOD P: FELICIA FEASTER/TOMMY GIBBONS This feature-length doc takes a look at the history of classroom education films geared towards teaching teens about the dangers of reckless driving. It’s a very unfocused and confused mishmash of talking heads and choice clips that’s badly in need of a structure, but it’s still nice to see the subject matter being covered. The scandal involving secretly filmed homosexual activity in a public toilet was something I didn’t expect to hear about. Rick Prelinger (who saved so many educational shorts from oblivion) and Mike Vraney from Something Weird are two of the interviewees. It would have been nice to have had more input from cast and crew members involved in these mini-gore classics. Sammy Davis Jr. is mentioned, and one clip features Ronald Reagan. Wood also made the silent horror movie doc KINGDOM OF SHADOWS (1998) (both are from Kino).

THE HELL’S WIND STAFF (tiger kids; the dragon and the tiger kids; lung foo moon; long hu men) (1979 HK) D/W/P: TONY WONG YUK LONG D: LU JIN KU W: DU LIANG TI/WAI HUNG Hwang Jang Lee was one of the most impressive screen martial artists and was apparently one of the few Hong Kong action stars to refuse to pull his punches on screen. He thus automatically becomes the perfect kung fu villain, a point he proves in this combat classic. Two knockabout students (Meng Yuan Man and Meng Hoi) must learn paddle power style (with an oar!) and white dragon fist to defeat evil Hwang’s devil stick (that is when they’re not fighting over a chicken). Remarkable final showdown is among the genre’s most well choreographed. With Jason Pai Piao, Kwan Yung Moon, Hsu Hsia, Wong Han Chen, Cory Yuen Kwai, Chin Yuet San, Hsu Hsian, Yuen Hun-Yi, Wong Mei, Tai San, Baan Yun Sang, Lin Ke Ming and Cheung Hei. Music by Frankie Chan.

HELP! (the haunted house; au secours) (1924 FRA) D/W/P: ABEL GLANCE W: MAX LINDER An aristocrat (comic Linder, in his penultimate film role before his Halloween 1925 suicide pact with his wife) makes a bet that he can stay in friend Jean Toulout’s haunted ancestral castle for one hour from eleven to midnight. A bell is installed for him to press when he gets too scared. Snakes, falling swords, a lion, an executioner with an axe and chopping block and lots of innovative, surreal trick b/w photography and editing conspire against him. Eventually a cheat involving his girl-friend (Gina Palerme) loses him the bet in this marvellous silent spooky comedy. With Gaston Modot. I saw a version that ran just over 20 mins, but I think there are longer prints around.

HELP ME, I’M POSSESSED (the possessed) (1974 US) D/P: CHARLES NIZET W: WILLIAM GREER/DEEDY PETERS Greer is Dr. Blackwood, a psychiatrist who runs a sanatorium in a (cardboard-looking) castle in the desert. He’s trying to make the perfect “pure” man and says things like “evil must be destroyed” and “death is a fabrication of the mind”. His hunchback assistant (Pierre Agostino from Ray Dennis Steckler movies) whips chained-up women in the basement and cuts off their legs so they can fit in small coffins. Blackwood puts one girl in a coffin with a snake (while an excited man in a cage looks on). There’s also a guy named Zolak who gets decapitated by a guillotine and a monster (“evil made tangible”) which looks like some red garden hoses waving around!! A cop turns up to investigate the murders by the monster, and there are lots of closeups of little moving statuettes. The ending takes place in Bronson Canyon. Peters plays Blackwood’s wife. It’s pretty weird and entertaining. Nizet also made THE RAVAGER and others. Will Zens (no stranger to bad movies) was associate producer.

HELTER SKELTER (massacre in hollywood) (1976 US) D/P: TOM GRIES W: J.P. MILLER Steve Railsback is excellent as Charles Manson in this tv movie docudrama dealing with the trial of Manson and his followers. It’s based on a book by prosecuting lawyer Vincent Bugliosi, and Curt Gentry. George Di-Cenzo plays Bugliosi and also narrates. Connections between the Bible and the Beatles (cover songs are heard) are discussed and police incompetence is criticised. It’s a lot better than you might expect from a tv movie. With Marilyn Burns, Roy Jenson, David Clennon, Robert F. Hoy, Jerry Dunphy, George Putnam, Paul Mantee, Ralph Montgomery, Richard Venturer, Robert Ito and Reed Morgan. Originally aired in two parts at 194 mins, this review refers to a 119 mins video version. There was another adaptation in 2004.

HELTER SKELTER (2004 US) D/W: JOHN GRAY P: ELLIOT FRIEDGEN Utterly pointless remake of the notable 1976 tv movie has Jeremy Davies as a very bad Charles Manson and Clea DuVall as Linda Kasabian. It’s a shame that more people probably saw this CBS tv movie than Jim Van Bebber’s superior, yet not properly distributed, CHARLIE’S FAMILY. With Mary Lynn Rajskub, Robert Joy, Graham Cechel, Chris Ellis, Robert Costanzo, Jaimz Woolvett and Bruno Kirby as (executive producer) Vincent Bugliosi.

HEMOGLOBIN (bleeders; the descendant) (1996 CAN) D: PETER SVATEK W: CHARLES ADAIR/DAN O’BANNON/RONALD SHUSETT P: JULIE ALLAN/ PETER KROONENBERG Roy Dupuis and his wife/ nurse (Kristin Lehman) travel to a remote New England island (actually Quebec) to find clues as to why he has a rare blood disease. Turns out that he’s the descendant of an inbred aristocratic family now living as midget hermaphrodite mutants in a network of underground tunnels! They steal corpses to eat from the local graveyard. Equal parts H.P. Lovecraft (The Lurking Fear) and C.H.U.D., I’d love to be able to recommend this horror with a cool premise. But unfortunately it’s not very good. With Rutger Hauer as a doctor, and Jackie Burroughs. The best part (which is memorable) has the mutants swarming across the surface of the island. It’s better than LURKING FEAR, though.

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER (1986 US) D/W/P: JOHN McNAUGHTON W: RICHARD FIRE P: LISA DEDMOND/STEVEN A. JONES Michael Rooker is Henry, an illiterate, traumatised drifter who kills all kinds of people in different ways (so the police can’t piece together an MO). He lives in Chicago with Otis (Tom Towles), a friend from prison whose sister (Tracy Arnold) comes to stay. This excellent, minimal 16mm movie shows how Henry turns the pretty demented Otis onto murder, and how his sister’s presence stirs them up, while also realistically portraying what a serial killer’s life might be like. It also has a subtle, pitch-black sense of humour. Everything about this is very professional (most of the FX are startlingly realistic) despite it being McNaughton’s first feature (he had only made the gangster documentary DEALERS IN DEATH [1984] previously). The musical FX are a little too pronounced at times, though. It’s very loosely based on the apocryphal stories of convicted serial killer Henry Lee Lucas (who died in prison in 2001; CONFESSIONS OF A SERIAL KILLER [1985] was an earlier film bout him). Rooker and Towles deservedly went on to successful careers after this (Arnold is also great). Psycho by The Sonics is heard. The guy who plays the tv salesman is Ray Atherton, who wrote and produced HOLLYWOOD MEAT CLEAVER MASSACRE, and produced Nick Bougas’ DEATH SCENES videos. HENRY was almost unreleased, the backers not having much faith in it, but preview tapes snuck out and it eventually started playing film festivals, before a proper release in 1990 (by which point McNaughton had completed his second feature, the very different THE BORROWER). The uncut version runs 82 mins. It ran into censorship problems in different territories and across different formats (being particularly problematic in the UK).

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER 2 (1997 US) D/W: CHUCK PARELLO P: THOMAS J. BUSCH This straight-to-video sequel surprised me by being pretty good. Henry (this time played by a very good Neil Guintoli) has moved on and works for a port-atoilet company. He rooms with a co-worker and his wife. Henry and his new friend (who he turns onto killing, as in the original) burn down buildings for insurance scams. Only a decapitation seems cartoonish and out of place in this downbeat and realistic movie. Parello also made ED GEIN.

HEN WITH THE GOLDEN EGGS (la poule aux oeufs d’or) (1905 FRA) D: GASTON VELLE In this surreal 16 mins silent short, a couple have their son turned into a chicken (!) by a magician, take it home, where it (and other chickens) turn into dancing girls, and then lay golden eggs filled with money. Segundo de Chomon was in charge of the great early colour photography.

HE OR SHE See: GLEN OR GLENDA

HERCULES (the labors of hercules; los viajes de hercules; le fatiche di ercole) (1957 ITL SPN) D/W: PIETRO FRANCISI W: ENNIO DE CONCINI/GAIO FRATTINI P: FREDERICO TETI It’s not particularly memorable or imaginative, but this is the one that kick-started the Italian muscleman/peplum craze, and made bodybuilder Steve Reeves a star. The story is “Jason and the Golden Fleece” (JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS was better) and Mario Bava (who directed his own HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD) was the cinematographer. With Sylvia Koscina, Arturo Dominic, Gianna Marina, Ivo Garrani, Mimmo Palmara and Luciana Paluzzi.

HERCULES (the adventures of hercules; ercole) (1983 ITL) D/W: “LEWIS COATES” (LUIGI COZZI) P: YORAM GLOBUS/MENAHEM GOLAN Lou Ferrigno is Hercules in this ridiculous but never boring fantasy from Cannon. Sybil Danning helps him defeat the evil William Berger. There’s lots of (mostly good) stop-motion animation and a few robotic creatures. A chariot is pulled through space by a rock (!) and in my favourite part, Hercules wrestles a bear (man-in-a-suit intercut with stock footage) and then throws it into space! With Brad Harris, Gianni Garko, Yehuda Efroni and Raf Baldassarre. Cannon, the seal of quality…

HERCULES 2 (the adventures of hercules; le avventure dell’incredible ercole; le avventure di ercole 2) (1983 ITL US) D/W: “LEWIS COATES” (LUIGI COZZI) P: YORAM GLOBUS/MENAHEM GOLAN/ALFRED PERCORIELLO This hilarious sequel that copies JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS and CLASH OF THE TITANS opens with an outer space intro explaining about the birth of Hercules (choice clips from the original are used). Basically, there is trouble with renegade gods trying to overthrow Zeus, resulting in the Moon hurtling towards Earth. Our hero (Lou Ferrigno) must fight evil to obtain the seven thunderbolts. There is a FORBIDDEN PLANET-inspired electric monster, a very hairy monster, slime people, terrible computer graphics special FX and enough bizarre and inept situations to keep most viewers happy. With William Berger, Venantino Venantini, Raf Baldassarre and Serena Grandi. I would have loved to have seen this in a theatre, although I’m sure many who did were not amused.

HERCULES AGAINST KARATE See: MR. HERCULES AGAINST KARATE

HERCULES AGAINST THE BARBARIANS (maciste nelli inferno di gengis khan) (1964 ITL) D/W: DOMENICO PALOELLA W: LUCIANO MARTINO/ ALESSANDRO FERRAU P: JACOPO COMIN/FELICE FELCIONI Mark Forest is Maciste (or Hercules in the US dub from AIP) battling against the evil Genghis Khan and his Mongols. He also crosses a (small) valley of fire and wrestles a big snake and a rubber crocodile. With “Howard Ross” (Renato Rossini), Roldano Lupi, Mirko Ellis, Tullio Altamura, Renato Terra and a dwarf. A lazy afternoon peplum.

HERCULES AGAINST THE MONGOLS (maciste contro I mongoli) (1963 ITL) D/W: DOMENICO PAOLELLA W: ALESSANDRO FERRAU/LUCIANO MARTINO Mark Forest is Maciste/Hercules, fighting the evil Mongols. Even if you’re a die hard muscleman movie fan, this is boring. With “Howard Ross”, Tullio Altamura, Giuseppe Addobbati and Renato Terra.

HERCULES AGAINST THE MOON MEN (hercules vs the moon men; maciste vs the stone men; maciste contre les hommes de pierre; maciste et la reine de samar; maciste e la regina di samar) (1964 ITL FRA) D/W: GIACOMO GENTILOMO W: ARPAD DE RISO/ NINO SCOLARO/ANGELO SANGRAMANO P: LUIGI MONDELLO A meteor crashes into the Earth and the locals sacrifice their children to it. Hercules/ Maciste (Alan Steel aka Sergio Ciam) battles an ape monster with fangs and rock men, all controlled by a tall guy with a big metal head. Cool! I love a good “peplum” (Italian sword and sandal musclemen movies), but this has particularly enjoyable fantasy elements.

HERCULES A LA CONQUETE DE L’ATLANTIDE See: HERCULES AND THE CAPTIVE WOMEN

HERCULES AND THE CAPTIVE WOMEN (hercules and the haunted women; hercules conquers atlantis; hercules and the conquest of atlantis; hercules a la conquete de l’atlantide; ercole alla conquista della atlantide) (1961 ITL FRA) D/W: VITTORIO COTTAFAVI W: ALESSANDRO CONTINENZA/DUCCIO TESSARI P: ACHILLE PIAZZI Hercules (Reg Park) discovers that Atlantis is ruled by evil queen Fay Spain who can control male subjects in this entertaining (if you bare in mind I’m a sucker for almost any peplum) muscleman movie that has a dragon/lizard man, a small platoon of identical looking white-haired men to fight and an acid bath. There is also plenty of dialogue, including the use of the word Uranus, guaranteed to make sillier viewers giggle. With Ettore Marin, Enrico Maria Salerno, Gian Maria Volonte, Mimmo Palmara and Mino Doro.

HERCULES AND THE CONQUEST OF ATLANTIS See: HERCULES AND THE CAPTIVE WOMEN

HERCULES AND THE HAUNTED WOMEN See: HERCULES AND THE CAPTIVE WOMEN

HERCULES AND THE QUEEN OF SHEBA See: HERCULES UNCHAINED

HERCULES AT THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH See: HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD

HERCULES CONQUERS ATLANTIS See: HERCULES AND THE CAPTIVE WOMEN

HERCULES GOES BANANAS See: HERCULES IN NEW YORK

HERCULES IN NEW YORK (hercules: the movie; hercules goes bananas) (1969 US) D: ARTHUR ALLAN SEIDELMAN W/P: AUBREY WISBERG Arnold Strong (Schwarzenegger) is an arrogant Hercules who goes to Earth against his father Zeus’ will. He befriends pretzel-seller Arnold Stang (the voice of Top Cat) and James Karen. He becomes the “new wrestling wonder”, wrestles a runaway (man-in-asuit) bear in Central Park, rides a chariot through the streets and fights mobsters. Pretty silly stuff which you can’t help enjoying despite the long dull stretches. Now available at full-length with the soon-to-be-ultrafamous Austrian’s original dialogue track (it used to be dubbed). With Richard Herd.

HERCULES IN THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH See: HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD

HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD (hercules in the centre of the earth; hercules vs the vampires; the vampires vs hercules; ercole al centro della terra) (1961 ITL) D/W: MARIO BAVA/FRANCO PROSPERI W: ALESSANDRO CONTINENZA/DUCCIO TESSARI P: ACHILLE PIAZZI After THE MASK OF SATAN Bava made this enjoyable fantasy. Reg Park stars as Hercules, who has to travel to Hades and back to fetch a magic apple that will cure his love Daianara. The real villain behind everything is Lichas (Christopher Lee) who wants to be the king for all eternity. As you would expect from Bava everything is very atmospheric and colourful. Let’s not forget the walking rock monster and flying zombies and you have an above average muscleman movie. With George Ardisson, Ida Galli, Mino Doro, Rosalba Neri and Raf Baldassarre.

HERCULES, SAMSON AND ULYSSES (ercole sfida sansone) (1963 ITL) D/W: PIETRO FRANCISI P: JOSEPH FRYD Hercules (Kirk Morris from THE CONQUEROR OF ATLANTIS), Samson (Richard Lloyd from THE INVINCIBLE GLADIATORS) and Ulysses (Enzo Cerusico from FIVE DAYS IN MILAN) are shipwrecked during a sea-monster hunt and must find their way home while being pursued by government villains in this pretty standard muscleman movie. With Nando Angelini, Fortunato Arena and Ugo Sasso. Francisi had helmed the original HERCULES that kick-started the whole peplum craze.

HERCULES: THE MOVIE See: HERCULES IN NEW YORK

HERCULES UNCHAINED (hercules and the queen of sheba; hercules y la reina de lidia; hercules et la reine de lydie; ercole e la regina de lidia) (1959 ITL FRA SPN) D/W: PIETRO FRANCISI W: ENNIO DE CONCINI P: BRUNO VAILATI Hercules (Steve Reeves) is made to lose his memory by an evil queen in this tedious, talky sequel to the influential hit HERCULES. Mario Bava completists should know that he was the cinematographer. With Primo Carnera, Sergio Fantoni, Ugo Sasso and Nando Cicero. It’s based on the ancient play The Seven Against Thebes (by Aeschylus-Sophocleus).

HERCULES VS. KUNG FU See: MR. HERCULES AGAINST KARATE

HERCULES VS. THE MOON MEN See: HERCULES AGAINST THE MOON MEN

HERCULES VS. THE VAMPIRES See: HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD

HERE COME THE TIGERS (1978 US) D/P: SEAN S. CUNNINGHAM W: ARCH McCOY P: STEVE MINER A small-town cop has to coach the terrible local kids’ baseball team in this BAD NEWS BEARS (1976) copy. They include a juvenile delinquent, a stereotyped Japanese kid who bows all the time and can punch through boards, and a deaf pitcher. There’s fart humour and a speeded-up chase scene with comical “boing” and “wheeee” sound FX. Porno director Fred Lincoln (in the Cunningham-produced LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT) acts. Miner did the editing. MANNY’S ORPHANS is Cunningham’s similar soccer movie from the same year.

HERE IS A MAN See: THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER

HER FAMILY JEWELS See: THE SEX THIEF

THE HERITAGE OF DRACULA See: VAMPYROS LESBOS

HERO (ying hung; ying xiong) (2002 HK CHN) D/W: ZHANG YIMOU W: FENG LI/BIN WANG P: WILLIAM KONG This visually impressive mini-epic reminded me of work by King Hu, Kurosawa and Ching Siu-Tung (among others). To detail the story (set in ancient, pre-Dynasty China) would betray the engrossing narrative style at its centre. Some controversy about the accuracy of the historical events in China won’t spoil most people’s enjoyment. Some of the CROUCHING TIGER-inspired swordplay scenes are oftentimes a little too concerned with looking artistic and beautiful than actually being fight scenes, but overall I much prefer this to that particular overrated arthouse hit. Jet Li, Tony Leung and Maggie Cheung star, with Ziyi Zhang, Donnie Yen and Daoming Chen as the Emperor. I also really liked Yimou’s HOUSE OF THE FLYING DAGGERS (2006).

HERO AMONGST HEROES See: FIST OF THE RED DRAGON

HERO AND THE TERROR (1988 US) D: WILLIAM TANNEN W: MICHAEL BLODGETT/DENNIS SHRYACK P: RAY WAGNER Chuck Norris stars as a traumatised cop with a pregnant girlfriend out to catch a killer of women called The Terror (Jack O’Halloran), escaped from a mental institution and hiding in the bowels of a newly reopened movie theatre (managed by Murphy Dunne). Cheesy, clichéd and pretty dull Cannon release commits the cinematic crime of casting Billy Drago in a bland non-psychotic role (a psychiatrist). With Steve James, Ron O’Neal, Bob Wall, Karen Witter and Branscombe Richmond unable to climb a small fence. Based on Blodgett’s novel.

HERO DEFEATING JAPS See: NINJA IN THE DEADLY TRAP

HEROES AMONG HEROES See: FIST OF THE RED DRAGON

HEROES IN MING DYNASTY (heroes in the last ming dynasty; da ming ying lie) (1979 TAI HK) D: WU MAN SHEUNG P: TAM MAN ON/CHAW LING KUNG Patriotic Tien Pung helps Polly Shang Kuan clear the name of her father, a General who’s on trial as a scapegoat for a battle lost against Manchu invaders. White-haired King Carter Wong is the real villain. Pretty boring historical drama with minimum swordplay. With Han Ying Chieh.

HEROES IN THE LAST MING DYNASTY See: HEROES IN MING DYNASTY

HEROES OF THE EAST See: SHAOLIN CHALLENGES NINJA

HEROES SHED NO TEARS (sunset warrior; huang hun zhan shi; ying xiong wei lei) (1982/87 HK) D/W: JOHN WOO P: PETER CHAN Originally shot in 1982, this early heroic bloodshed entry was reedited and released in 87. Eddie Ko fronts a gang of mercenaries hired by the North Thai government to destroy renegade drug baron Lam Ching Ying’s operations across the border in Vietnam. This firstclass exploitation movie is exciting, very violent and surprisingly compassionate and moving in places. It was the first of Woo’s movies to be recognised throughout the world.

HEROES TWO (kung fu invaders; bloody fists; blood brothers; fang shih yu and hung hsi kuan; fang shi yu xing hing xi guan; fong sai yuk hung hei goon) (1974 HK) D/P: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW Fu Sheng is Ming patriot Fong Sai Yuk who must rescue fellow folk hero Hung Hei Goon (Chen Kuan Tai) from evil Manchu invaders after he was tricked into handing him over to them. A straightforward plot loaded with terrific, realisticlooking fights (choreographed by Liu Chia Liang and Tang Chia) makes for an entertaining kung fu movie. Beware censored prints that use tinting during violent scenes. With Bruce Tong, Chan Chuen, Wong Ching, Zhu Mu, Fung Ngai, Fung Hak On, Chiang Nan, Lau Kar Wing, Lee Hoi Sang, Wong Pau Gei, Jamie Luk, Chan Dik Hak, Kent Cheung, Huang Ha, Yuen Shun Yi, Hsu Hsia, Alan Chan, Wong Mei and Brandy Yuen.

THE HEROIC ONES (shaolin masters; 13 fighters; sap saam taai biu; shi san tai bao) (1971 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW Ku Feng is the father and master of the 13 brother Tartar warriors who are fighting for control of China (when they’re not partying and getting drunk). David Chiang and Ti Lung are the main stars in this epic sword fighting movie that has a slow, talky first half that builds into a bloody and evocative final hour. Chiang’s demise is a highlight, as are some of the excellent battle scenes choreographed by Tang Cia, Liu Chia Liang and Liu Chia Yung (who all also act here as well). It’s a lesser movie from the Cheh/Kuang/Shaw team, but martial arts fans should watch anyway. With Lo Wei, Lily Li, Bolo Yeung, Chan Chuen, Chan Sing, Wong Chung, Yuen Woo Ping, Cliff Lok, Yuen Cheung Yin, Yuen Shun-Yi, Bruce Tong, Wong Pau Gei, Tsang Choh Lam, Sham Chin Bo, Wong Ching, Wong Mei, Ho Pak Kwong and Yen Shi Kwan.

THE HEROIC TRIO (dung fong saam hap; dong fang san xia) (1992 HK) D/P: CHING SIU TUNG/JOHNNY TO W: SANDY SHAW/SUSAN CHAN If you’re after a primer for the world of modern Hong Kong exploitation and action, here’s a perfect place for you to start. Anita Mui, Maggie Cheung and Michelle Yeoh are the heroic trio, three distinct superheroines who battle the evil Anthony Wong (BUN MAN). The plot involving a kidnapped baby is secondary to the incredible, breathtaking action scenes that put overbudgeted Hollywood flops to shame. There are elements of horror and fantasy in this action adventure, and nothing is complete without a flying guillotine. With Damian Lau, Paul Chu, Lee Siu Kei and Wong Yut Fei. Co-director Tung is most famous for his CHINESE GHOST STORY movies and his top-notch action choreography for the films of John Woo, and To’s no slouch either.

THE HEROIC TRIO 2: EXECUTIONERS (executioners; yin doi ho hap chuen; xian dai hao xia chuen) (1993 HK) D/P: CHING SIU TUNG W: SUSAN CHAN Yeoh, Mui and Cheung (and a badly scarred, masked Anthony Wong) return for this sequel set in a post-nuke world where water is a precious commodity monopolised by greedy corporations. It’s slick enough with nice action, but there’s a heavier emphasis on melodrama and political intrigue and much less of the madcap mayhem that made the original such an exploitation classic. With Damian Lau, Takeshi Kaneshiro, John Cheung Ng Long, Lau Ching Wan, Eddy Ko and Paul Chun Pai.

THE HEROIN DEAL See: SFX RETALIATOR

THE HERO OF SWALLOW (san tau yin ji lee sam; shen tou yan li san) (1996 HK) D/W: SIU SANG P: WOO GAM The uncharismatic Yuen Biao fails to carry a movie on his own as he portrays a period Robin Hood-style hero who robs from the rich and gives to the poor as he searches for his girl who was sold into prostitution. Mind you, Sang’s uninspired script and direction doesn’t help, either. It’s loaded with action but without the rest is simply vacuous eye candy. With Elvis Tsui, Athena Chu Yun, Eddy Ko Hung, Lily Chung Suk Wai (from RED TO KILL) and Yvonne Yung Hung.

HERO OF THE RED LIGHT DISTRICT See: KILLING IN YOSHIWARA

HE’S A LEGEND, HE’S A HERO See: BRUCE LEE SECRET

HE WALKED BY NIGHT (1948 US) D: ALFRED L. WERKER/ANTHONY MANN (uncredited) W: JOHN C. HIGGINS/CRANE WILBUR P: ROBERT KANE/BRYAN FOY Film noir classic (brilliantly photographed in b/w by John Alton) has Scott Brady (who also narrates) as a Hollywood cop intent on catching intelligent cop-killing thief Richard Basehart, who hangs out and hides in sewers and storm drains. Jack Webb (who was inspired by this to do the Dragnet tv series, note narration style) has a small part. With Whit Bissell, Roy Roberts, Dorothy Adams, Robert Bice, Frank Cady, John Dehner, Ann Doran, Byron Foulger, Reed Hadley, Thomas Browne Henry, Harry Harvey, Donald Kerr, Lyle Latell, Rory Mallinson, Charles Meredith, Bert Moorehouse, Steve Pendleton, Robert Williams, Harry Wilson, Ruth Robinson, Kenneth Tobey, Wally Vernon and Harlan Warde. The underground chase footage is so good that it later turned up uncredited as stock footage in several B movies.

HE WORE A STAR See: THE STAR PACKER

HEXAGON See: SOMETHING EVIL

THE HIDDEN (1987 US) D: JACK SHOLDER W: “BOB HUNT” (JIM KOUF) P: ROBERT SHAYE/GERALD T. OLSON/ MICHAEL METZLER An evil slimy slug-like alien enters people’s bodies and takes them over for a wild crime spree in LA. Once a body is used, the alien moves onto the next person (a middle-aged man, a stripper, a dog etc.). Kyle MacLachlan is a good alien disguised as an FBI agent tracking it down with the help of reluctant cop Michael Nouri. A highly enjoyable action-packed sci-fi thriller from the director of ALONE IN THE DARK and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2. With Clu Gulager, Claudia Christian, Ed O’Ross, Larry Cedar, Chris Mulkey, Lin Shaye, Jack McGee, Steve Eastin, Danny Trejo and Branscombe Richmond. A sequel followed.

THE HIDDEN II (1993 US) D/W: SETH PINSKER P: MICHAEL MELTZER/DAVID HELPERIN A good alien comes to Earth after the bad alien from the first movie spawns. The daughter of Michael Nouri’s character in the original helps him. Footage from the original (as “15 years earlier” flashbacks) is the best thing about this useless sequel with a senseless ending.

HIDDEN AGENDA See: THE OSIRUS PROJECT

HIDDEN FACE See: JAIL BAIT

THE HIDDEN FORTRESS See: THE THREE VILLAINS OF THE HIDDEN FORTRESS

THE HIDDEN POWER See: SABOTAGE (1936)

THE HIDDEN ROOM OF 1,000 HORRORS See: THE TELL-TALE HEART

HIDE AND FREAK (game over; deadly games; 36:15 code pere noel) (1988 FRA) D/W: RENÉ MANZOR A precocious, smart (and spoilt) little boy (Alain Lalanne, the director’s son, who later went on to work in VFX for big Hollywood movies) uses his vivid imagination to play at his huge country mansion home (an illogical place with secret rooms and tunnels, trap-doors and a maze of corridors, it makes the PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS’ house seem sane) with his wealthy single mother (who runs a department store) and half-blind diabetic grandfather. A creepy bearded dude (Patrick Floersheim) who just wants to play (kids run away from him) gets fired as an in-store Santa at mom (Brigitte Fossey)’s store (for hitting a kid), so takes revenge by breaking into the big house (in his Santa costume) and terrorising the boy (and gramps). The kid fights back in RAMBO/ COMMANDO parody scenes that must have inspired the international Hollywood hit HOME ALONE (1990). A cartoonish (someone even hides in a suit of armour!) and nonsensical kids’ nightmare movie, shot like a stylish 80s rock video (lots of blue) which is much more enjoyable now than when it was new, I would imagine. With use of the Minitel (ask a Frenchman) and a cameo from Manzor.

HIDE AND GO SHRIEK (death face 9th) (1987 US) D: SKIP SCHOOLNIK W: MICHAEL KELLY P: DIMITRI VILLARD Four teen couples partying at a furniture store (!?!) get killed-off by a psycho in this formulaic slasher pic. Characters constantly joke about a guy’s perfectly normal haircut.

HIDE AND SEEK (cord; jeu mortel) (1999 CAN) D: SIDNEY J. FURIE W: YAS TAKATA/JOEL HLADECEK P: GARY HOWSAM/PIETER KROONENBURG Daryl Hannah and Bruce Greenwood are a married couple desperately trying to have a child. When it finally happens, a doctor at the clinic (Vincent Gallo) falsifies the test results and kidnaps Hannah, so his wife (Jennifer Tilly) can have the baby. This thriller is nothing special, but Tilly seems to be having a great time acting over-the-top and is fun to watch.

HIDE AND SEEK (2004 US) D: JOHN POLSON W: ARI SCHLOSSBERG P: BARRY JOSEPHSON NYC psychoanalyst Robert DeNiro’s wife commits suicide, so he and his traumatised little daughter (Dakota Fanning) move upstate to start over. Fanning has an imaginary friend that soon starts killing people in this well-told, intriguing mystery that loses it come the ridiculous and overextended surprise ending. With Famke Janssen, Dylan Baker, Elisabeth Shue, Amy Irving, Melissa Leo and Robert John Burke.

HIDEKI: EVIL DEAD TRAP II (shiryo no wana: hideki) (1991 JPN) D/W: IZO HASHIMOTO W: CHIYAKI KONAKI P: NAOKATSU ITOO/MITSUO HANADA An overweight female projectionist brooding over the loss of her unborn child (Shoko Nakajima in a very good performance) is also a serial killer of prostitutes, gorily cutting them up and removing their wombs. Her prettier thin friend (Rie Kondo) can’t stand the fact that Nakajima is not jealous of her, so has a baby out of spite. This is all very well and good and could have made a great psychological thriller/ horror movie, but Hashimoto can’t resist throwing in his usual weirdness, so we get Shiro Sano (from Hasimoto’s LUCKY SKY DIAMOND) as an obnoxious and pushy go-between for the two women who is also a married man with some odd Hideki kid character that completely throws the plot out the window. It’s an extremely stylish and good-looking movie, but I don’t recommend watching it to try to figure it out. With Shino Ikenani, Kitarou and (briefly) famous exprostitute Ruby Moreno. EVIL DEAD TRAP 3: BROKEN LOVE KILLER (1993) followed.

HIDEOUS MUTANT FREEKZ See: FREAKED

THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON (blood on his lips) (1959 US) D/W/P: ROBERT CLARKE D: TOM BOUTROSS W: E.E. SEELEY JR./DOANE R. HOAG/ PHIL HINER Clarke is a scientist who turns into a cool upright lizard monster after experimenting with radiation in this great b/w sci-fi favourite that benefits from thirst-inducing location camerawork. Did I mention that the lizard-man wears trousers? But seriously, this is a fast-paced, hard-edged little classic of its kind. With Donna King and Del Courtney. I have managed to avoid an irritating-sounding comedy soundtrack version from 1983 called WHAT’S UP, HIDEOUS SUN DEMON? thus far.

HIGH ANXIETY (1976 US) D/W/P: MEL BROOKS W: RON CLARK/RUDY DE LUCA/BARRY LEVINSON Audiences expecting a quality spoof like Brooks’ YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN or BLAZING SADDLES must have been sorely disappointed by this flat, unfunny send-up of Alfred Hitchcock movies (primarily VERTIGO). Brooks stars (and sings the title song) as the new head of the Institute For The Very, Very Nervous. That’s about the funniest gag in the movie. With Madeline Kahn, Cloris Leachman, Harvey Korman, Dick Van Patten, Robert Ridgely, Levinson and De Luca.

HIGH ART (exposure; knife fighter; a grande art) (1991 BRZ) D: WALTER SALLES JR. W: RUBEN FONSECA P: ALBERT FLAKSMAN Peter Coyote is a photographer in Rio De Janeiro preparing a portfolio of b/w images relating to death and violence. A hooker friend is murdered by someone looking for some computer disk so he takes knife fighting lessons from street specialist Tcheky Karyo (he had a similar role in NIKITA) and plans to solve the mystery. Amanda Pays is the girlfriend he alienates, and look for Miguel Angel Fuentes (the big accomplice in PUMA MAN!). There’s also a sadistic dwarf. This starts interesting and has nice, unusual locations, but goes on too long and gets tedious. With Raul Cortez, Tonico Pereira, Cassia Kiss, Tony Tornado, Maria Gladys, Maura Mendonla, Ruth de Souza and Paulo Hose.

HIGH ENCOUNTERS OF THE ULTIMATE KIND See: CHEECH AND CHONG’S NEXT MOVIE

HIGHER ANIMAL See: BARKING DOGS NEVER BITE

THE HIGHEST BIDDER See: THE WOMAN HUNT

HIGH KICKS (1993 US) D/W/P: RUTA K. ARAS After an aerobics instructor is raped, a long blondhaired drifter (with a yacht) teaches her self-defence to get revenge. This shot-on-video feel-good action flick is pretty bad.

HIGHLANDER (1986 US UK) D: RUSSELL MULCAHY W: GREGORY WILDEN/PETER BELLWOOD/LARRY FERGUSON P: PETER S. DAVIS/WILLIAM PANZER Christopher Lambert is an NYC art dealer and immortal Scottish warrior (“I am Connor McCloud of the clan McCloud”) who can only be killed (and kill others of his kind, because “there can be only one”) by decapitation. Sean Connery co-stars in 16th century Scotland flashbacks in this enjoyable enough swashbuckling hokum that some people love (it was a huge hit everywhere but America). With Jon Polito, James Cosmo, Jim Brunzell, Sam Fatu, Greg Gagne, Bam Bam Gordy, Michael Seitz and (unfortunately) a Queen soundtrack. Stephen Hopkins was an assistant director.

HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING (1991 US) D: RUSSELL MULCAHY W: PETER BELLWOOD/BRIAN CLEMENS W/P: WILLIAM PANZER P: PETE S. DAVIS/ JEAN-LUC DEFAIT/ZIADEL KHOURY Fans of the original hated this impressive-looking sequel for fucking around with rules laid down in the first part. Most people will see it as a big, flashy time-waster with some cool bits. The screwy plot involves the Earth’s artificial ozone layer in the future and relocates the Immortals’ origin to the planet Zeist. Also, it seems bringing Sean Connery back from the dead just requires Christopher Lambert (who does not make a convincing old man under lots of latex) saying his name! Simple, huh? I suppose the best thing about it is the always gleefully evil Michael Ironside, armed with a truckload of corny wisecracks. With Virginia Madsen, John C. McGinley, Allan Rich, Rusty Schwimmer and Mulcahy. A tv series followed.

HIGHLANDER 3: (THE SORCEROR or THE MAGICIAN or THE FINAL DIMENSION) (1994 CAN FRA UK) D: ANDY MORGAN W: PAUL OHL/BRAD MIRMAN/ RENE MANZOR/WILLIAM N. PANZER P: CLAUDE LEGER Mario Van Peebles is an ancient warrior with a weird haircut who’s thawed out of a Japanese ice mountain by archaeologist Deborah Unger. Christopher Lambert has to fight the evil Peebles (who can transform into a bird). Unger also plays one of Lambert’s lost loves and Mako has a small role. This sequel has lots of flashbacks and sword fights and doesn’t make much sense. Neither is it very exciting. With David Francis, Matt Holland, Richard Jutras, Andre Oumasnky, Chip Chuipka, John Dunn-Hill, Vlasta Vrana, Aaron Tager, Sheena Larkin and Jason Cavalier.

HIGHLANDER: ENDGAME (2000 US) D: DOUGLAS AARNIOKOSKI W/P: WILLIAM N. PANZER W: JOEL SOISSON P: PETER S. DAVIS Each progressive entry in this series (this is number four) seem to make less and less sense. This confused mess pretty much ignores what’s gone before and drags in elements from the lame tv series (Adrian Paul co-stars here with Christopher Lambert). I think the plot is basically that Bruce Payne wants revenge against Lambert for killing his priest father in ancient Scotland, and Payne’s sidekick Lisa B. (SERPENT’S LAIR) wants revenge against Paul, whom she loved centuries ago (or something). A place called The Sanctuary seems to be a warehouse for sleeping Immortals, and Donnie Yen is relegated to yet another small, insignificant part (he does get to do a bit of fighting though). With Peter Wingfield, Jim Byrnes, Adam Copeland (aka WWF wrestling star Edge) and Aarniokoski. The law of diminishing returns continued with HIGHLANDER: THE SOURCE (2007).

HIGHLANDER: THE SEARCH FOR VENGEANCE (2006 ANIMATED US JPN) D: YOSHIAKI KAWAJIRI W: DAVID ABRAMOWITZ P: PETER DAVIS/WILLIAM PANZER Feature-length spin-off from the live-action Highlander tv series is set in a post-apocalyptic New York City where an Immortal has scientists create a deadly virus in his towering fortress while infected mutants try to survive in the subways and sewers. His nemesis Colin (not Connor) McCloud (“of the clan McCloud”) comes to town to collect his head, and befriends a hooker and a street urchin. Flashbacks highlight their battles across the ages. There are brief flashes of pulp fantasy art come to life, but this is mostly hogwash not worthy of your time. There had previously been a French animated Highlander series in 1994.

HIGH RISE See: SOMEONE’S WATCHING ME

HIGH RISK (meltdown; sue daam lung wai; shu dan long wei) (1995 HK) D/W/P: WONG JING This is a DIE HARD rip-off that also serves as an assault on Jackie Chan’s persona. Jacky Cheung is Frankie Lane (!), a major HK movie action star famed for doing all his own stunts. But it is in fact his humble, hardworking stand-in (Jet Li) who often pulls off the stunts (in a wig) with little or no credit. Everything comes to a head when a gang of thieves take hostages at a jewellery show media event. It’s a merely ok action flick, and the Chan conspiracy angle is unconvincing. With Chingmay Yau as a reporter who rumbles Cheung, Wu Ma as his dad, Valerie Chow, Billy Chow, Charlie Cho Cha Lee, Ben Lam Kwok Bun, Su Ki Kwan, Lee Lik-Chi, Vincent Kok Tak-Chiu, William Duen Wai Lun, Yuen Tak and Baat Leung Gam.

HIGH SCHOOL BIG SHOT (the young sinners) (1959 US) D/W: JOEL M. RAPP P: STANLEY BICKMAN An unpopular class brain is smitten with a female classmate even though he knows that she’s only nice to him so he’ll write her term paper. The other tough, dumb guys beat him up and his dad is a useless drunk who can’t keep a job. His part-time job at a shipping office provides a chance for escape as he overhears that a million in cash is sitting in the safe waiting for a heroin shipment. He tries to pull off a heist with the help of a professional safe-cracker in this great, hate-filled b/w teen noir with an oppressive doom laden atmosphere. With Stanley Adams, Byron Foulger and Peter Leeds. Roger Corman was executive producer, and also hired Rapp to make BATTLE OF BLOOD ISLAND (1960) (his only other directing credit) in Puerto Rico.

HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL (the young hellions) (1958 US) D: JACK ARNOLD W: LOUIS MELTZER/ROBERT BLEES P: ALBERT ZUGSMITH Idiotic but enjoyable teen drug drama stars Russ Tamblyn as the new kid in town who uncovers a drag racing dope ring at school! Jackie Coogan is the main culprit. With John Drew Barrymore, Michael Landon, Mamie Van Doren (who knows how to wear a sweater), Charles Chaplin Jr., Lyle Talbot, William Wellman Jr., Ray Anthony, Gil Perkins, William Smith, Pierre Watkin and Mel Welles. You can’t argue with a cast like that.

HIGH SCHOOL WOLF See: FULL MOON HIGH

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN (el patrullero) (1991 MEX US) D: ALEX COX W/P: LORENZO O’BRIEN After pretty much destroying his Hollywood career with the underrated WALKER a few years previous, Cox returned with this much more low-key but effective tale of corruption. Robert Sosa (who’s excellent) stars as a highway cop in the desert who gets beaten down by the system. Less energetic than his earlier work, this is a more polished, organic piece from Cox (in Spanish-language). With Eduardo Lopez Rajos, Damian Alcazar, Jorge Fegan, Regino Herrera, Gerardo Zepeda and Cox.

HIGHWAY TO HELL (1992 US) D: ATE DE JONG W: BRIAN HELGELAND P: MARY ANNE PAGE/JOHN BYERS This one sucks. Annoying famous brother Chad Lowe takes chase when Hellcop (C.J. Graham, Jason Vorhees in JASON LIVES) snatches his girlfriend (Kristy Swanson) to an alternate dimension highway to Hell City. He meets lots of irritating, unfunny characters and creatures along the way. With Patrick Bergin, Pamela Gidley, Richard Farnsworth, Ben and Jerry Stiller, Adam Storke, Jarrett Lennon, Gilbert Gottfried, Anne Meara and Jacinto Molina (aka Paul Naschy!) as “palace guard”. The music (Tangerine Dream) is stolen from MIRACLE MILE. Director de Jong (from the Netherlands) had already made DROP DEAD FRED (1991) in the States.

HILLBILLY MONSTER: SON OF JENGAL (2005 US) D/W/P: CONRAD BROOKS Brooks’ follow up to his micro-budget JAN-GEL and JENGAL 2 is featurelength, still just as cheap and much more of a chore to sit through. A half-man half-ape attraction runs away from the carnival into the woods of Virginia. His parents, forced to sell him to a promoter who carries a turtle around on a stick, try to convince the locals that he’s not dangerous. Meanwhile the gentle, misunderstood freak hides out from the police at a remote sanatorium (after stepping in a bear-trap), and lots of time is wasted with comic relief mental patients there. Brooks only appears briefly as an investigator called Dirty Harry, who sits at home with some other guy reading comic books.

THE HILLS HAVE EYES (1977 US) D/W: WES CRAVEN P: PETER LOCKE This one is Craven’s masterpiece, one of the best horror/action films ever made. An all-American family drive their camper into the hills and become the prey for a family of mutant cannibals who steal their baby for food. The family have to turn tables to survive. Breakneck pace, plenty of thrills and chills and a nice sick streak of humour makes sure this one never lets up. James Whitworth is the mutant family dad Jupiter, and Michael Berryman is great in his most famous role as Pluto. With Robert Houston and Dee Wallace-Stone. Craven puts a JAWS poster in the background, so Sam Raimi later put a HILLS poster in his EVIL DEAD. The three would make a brilliant triple bill. A sequel followed.

THE HILLS HAVE EYES (2006 US) D/W: ALEXANDRE AJA W: GREGORY LEVASSEUR P: WES CRAVEN/ PETER LOCKE/MARIANNE MADDALENA Here’s a surprisingly good remake of Craven’s best movie, a 1977 survival-horror classic. Ted Levine drives his family (including unwelcome son-in-law Aaron Stanford) to California in a motor-home via the New Mexico desert. An accident during a detour leaves them stranded in the middle of nowhere, prey to a clan of cannibal mutants deformed by radioactive fallout. The focus on the testing of A-bombs is the major difference between this and the original. Featuring brutal violence and intensity that rarely makes it to American cinema screens in such a wide release nowadays, this is a solid, gritty, big-budget exploitation film, also available unrated on dvd. The hunted family are Kathleen Quinlan, Danny Byrd, Emilie de Ravin and Vinessa Shaw. The hunters: Robert Joy, Michael Bailey Smith, Desmond Askew, Ezra Burrington and an almost unrecognisable Billy Drago. With Tom Bower. The French writer/director team of Aja and Levasseur had previously made HAUTE TENSION (2003). There was a stripped-down, not-bad sequel in 2007.

THE HILLS HAVE EYES, PART II (1983 US UK) D/W: WES CRAVEN P: PETER LOCKE This awful sequel about a biker gang terrorised by the cannibal clan is loaded with flashbacks to the original which outshines all the new footage. Houston (in a different role), Berryman, Whitworth and Bloom return. With the voice of Nicholas Worth. It’s most famous for giving a dog a flashback. A longer director’s cut is available, but why anyone would want to prolong the endurance is beyond me.

THE HIMALAYAN (mat chung sing sau; mi zong sheng shou) (1976 HK) D: WONG FUNG W: I. KUANG P: RAYMOND CHOW Angela Mao and Tan Tao Liang team up to fight villainous Chan Sing in this above average kung fu flick film set amidst some great Tibetan locations. Director Fung is the abbot who teaches Mao and Liang some outstanding breathing techniques. Sammo Hung (who choreographed the action with Han Ying Chieh) appears as one of Chan Sing’s minions. With Tony Liu, Han Ying Chieh and Jackie Chan as an extra.

HI, MOM! (confessions of a peeping tom; blue manhattan; son of greetings) (1970 US) D/W: BRIAN DE PALMA W/P: CHARLES HIRSCH This follow up to GREETINGS is among De Palma’s very best, a spot on and often hilarious counterculture satire that has surprisingly not dated that much. Robert DeNiro rents a real shithole apartment from Charles Durning and spies on residents of the tenement across the street. He convinces Allen Garfield (who’s very funny) to give him money to film a voyeuristic nudie flick for his grindhouse. At the same time he seduces and manipulates a female neigbour who is filmed without knowing it. When that doesn’t work out he gets an acting gig as an abusive cop in an experimental play/happening called Be Black, Baby in which white audience members are painted black and abused (this vérité-like sequence is incredible). The great ending involves terrorism and a tv interview. With Gerrit Graham and Paul Bartel. De Palma made GET TO KNOW YOUR RABBIT next.

HIP HOP HOOD See: DON’T BE A MENACE TO SOUTH CENTRAL WHILE DRINKING YOUR JUICE IN THE HOOD

THE HIPPIE REVOLT See: THE WORLD OF ACID

HIRED FOR KILLING See: MAN WITH A GUN

THE HIRED HAND (1971 US) D: PETER FONDA W: ALAN SHARP P: WILLIAM HAYWARD Fonda’s directorial debut is a very well done, thoughtful and low-key western with saddle-weary Fonda returning to his estranged wife and child with travelling companion Warren Oates. The performances and Vilmos Zsigmond’s photography are first-class. Larry Hagman is a sheriff in the longer tv-prepared version that was around for years (it omits swearing and violence in favour of extra fooatge). A 30th anniversary restoration returned it to its original director’s cut and sharpened the excellent, dreamy imagery. With Ann Doran. Fonda later helmed IDAHO TRANSFER and WANDA NEVADA (1979). Sharp also wrote the following year’s ULZANA’S RAID.

HIRED TO KILL (1989 US) D/W/P: NICO MASTORAKIS D: PETER RADER W: FRED C. PERRY/KIRK ELLIS Brian Thompson and seven women pose as a fashion designer and models to infiltrate a South American island fortress to rescue José Ferrer. Oliver Reed and George Kennedy are also in this ridiculous action movie. Everyone is sneering and cynical. A stuntman was killed during production (in Mastorakis’ home country Greece).

HIRUKO (yokai hunter: hiruko) (1991 JPN) D/W: SHINYA TSUKAMOTO P: SADAO ECHI/SHIN YONEYAMA Tsukamoto made this fun horror fantasy between his TETSUO movies. Pop star Kenji Sawada stars as a disgraced archaeologist battling a demon that’s escaped from an ancient tomb on which a school has been built. Masaki Kudo is his schoolboy accomplice and the next descendant in-line to guard the entrance to the tomb. Carpenter’s THE THING was obviously the inspiration for some great stop-motion spiders with human heads and long tongues (not to mention the Outer Limits’ episode, The Zanti Misfits). With Naoto Takenaka (RAMPO, and the Japanese voice for Postman Pat!!) and a cosmic ending. Unfairly neglected.

HIS MAJESTY, THE SCARECROW OF OZ (1914 US) D/W/P: L. FRANK BAUM P: LOUIS F. GOTTSCHALK The last of a silent b/w OZ trilogy based on the writings of Baum (it follows THE PATCHWORK GIRL OF OZ and THE MAGIC CLOAK OF OZ). The plot involves King Krewl’s princess daughter not wanting to marry Googly-Goo. Dorothy and the scarecrow are present, as are cheap looking men-in-animal-suits. In my favourite part, the scarecrow falls in a lake, is attacked by a swordfish and meets a mermaid with an umbrella. The next OZ movie was 1921’s THE WIZARD OF OZ.

HIS NAME WAS HOLY GHOST (uomo avvisato mezzo ammazzato… parola di spirito santo; el halcon de sierra madre; y le llamban el halcon) (1971 ITL SPN) D: “ANTHONY ASCOTT” (GIULIANO CARNIMEO) W: TITO CARPI/FEDERICO DE URUTTIA P: LUCIANO MARTINO Gianni Garko stars as Holy Ghost/Spirito Santo, a drifter dressed in a white suit and hat, with a white dove sometimes perched on his shoulder. He teams up with a big wrestler called Chicken (Cris Huerta) to overthrow a Mexican revolutionary, and get at some gold in this subpar THEY CALL ME TRINITY Hill and Spencer rip-off. It also copies other better Eurowesterns. With Vic Israel, Nello Pazzafini, Claudio Ruffini, Georges Rigaud, Fortunato Arena, Salvatore Baccaro, Pietro Ceccarelli, Dada Gallotti, Carla Mancini, Furio Meniconi, Geoffredo Unger, Mimmo Poli and Gianni Pulone. Some reference books seem to be confused and incorrectly have the same film listed as its sequel. A couple of rip-offs with the same Holy Ghost character were made, though: HE WAS CALLED THE HOLY GHOST (1971) and THE GUMNEN AND THE HOLY GHOST (1972).

A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE (2005 US GER) D: DAVID CRONENBERG W: JOSH OLSON P: CHRIS BENDER/ J.C. SPINK A small Midwest town diner manager (Viggo Mortensen) becomes a local hero after gunning down a couple of drifter crooks/killers (led by Stephen McHattie acting like Lance Henriksen) when they cause trouble at his place. After all the media coverage, East Coast gangster Ed Harris turns up, insisting that Mortensen is actually someone else. Astonishingly good, Cronenberg’s adaptation of a graphic novel by John Wagner (of Judge Dredd fame) and Vince Locke can be enjoyed as a straightforward thriller of the highest order, but there’s more in there for viewers who want it. Maria Bello is Mortensen’s wife; Ashton Holmes his confused son. With Peter MacNeill as the town sheriff, and William Hurt. The performances are all excellent. Shot in Ontario, Canada. A high watermark for Cronenberg, his best since DEAD RINGERS, and a genuine modern classic. Screenwriter Olson directed killer bug movie INFESTED (2002). The director and star collaborated again on EASTERN PROMISES.

THE HIT (1984 UK) D: STEPHEN FREARS W: PETER PRINCE P: JEREMI THOMAS Hitman John Hurt and his young accomplice Tim Roth must transport police informer Terence Stamp from Spain to Paris for execution. The calm-seeming philosophical Stamp confounds his captors by not being afraid. Talky road movie is a well done low-key meditation up to a point and then seems to flounder without direction in the final reel. With Jim Broadbent, Fernando Ray, Lennie Peters (of duo Peters and Lee fame) and Bill Hunter.

HIT AND RUN See: RED BLOODED AMERICAN GIRL 2

THE HITCHER (1986 US) D: ROBERT HARMON W: ERIC RED P: DAVID BOMBYK/KIP OHMAN C. Thomas Howell is delivering a car when he picks up scary hitchhiker Rutger Hauer in the Texas desert. After that he just can’t get rid of the almost supernatural enigma who wants to taunt, terrorise and kill Howell for no apparent reason. Jennifer Jason Leigh gets ripped apart by trucks driving in opposite directions (offscreen). With Jeffrey De Munn, Billy Green Bush, Jack Thibeau and John M. Jackson. It’s not as great as some will have you believe, but definitely a better-than-average thriller that’s worth a look. Remade twenty years later.

HITCHER 2 (1989) See: HITCHER IN THE DARK

THE HITCHER 2: I’VE BEEN WAITING (2002 US) D: LOUIS MORNEAU W: MOLLY MEEKER/LESLIE SCHARF W/P: CHARLES MEEKER P: KEVIN M. KALLBERG/ OLIVER G. HESS/ALFRED HABER C. Thomas Howell returns as the same character, now an older, recently discharged cop traumatised from the events in the original. He travels cross-country with his crop duster pilot girlfriend Kari Wuhrer, and the same supernatural figure (this time played by Jake Busey) returns to terrorise him. This awful late sequel dispatches with Howell early on, so Wuhrer is the real star. Busey’s over-the-top acting seems much more forced than his dad’s natural nuttiness. With Shaun Johnston, Duncan Fraser and a brief turn by Steve Railsback as a highway cop. It was filmed in Canada.

HITCHER IN THE DARK (hitcher 2: fear in the dark; paura nel buio) (1989 ITL US) D: “HUMPHREY HUMBERT” (UMBERTO LENZI) W: OLGA PEHAR P: “JOE D’AMATO” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) Josie Bissett is drugged, held captive and raped by an impotent rich kid psycho in a camper van who kills “whore” hitchhikers. He thinks she looks like his Russian mom who abandoned him. Meanwhile, her boyfriend searches the highways for her. Tame, long-winded and pretty much all-talk.

THE HITCHER ‘95 (hourglass) (1995 US) D/W: C. THOMAS HOWELL W: DARREN DALTON W/P: STEVEN PAUL P: DOM DUNN This has nothing to do with THE HITCHER. Director Howell stars as an arsehole, long-haired fashion company executive in Malibu who gets involved with sexy, scheming tease Sofia Shinas in this terrible LAST SEDUCTION copy. It all ends in tears naturally. With Ed Begley Jr. as a cop, Timothy Bottoms, Carrot Top, cameos from Lou Diamond Phillips and Keifer Sutherland and dishearteningly racist comic relief Japanese characters.

HITCH-HIKE (death drive; autostop rosso sangue) (1978 ITL) D/W: PASQUALE FESTA CAMPANINI W: ALDO CRUDO/OTTAVIO JEMMA After LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, David Hess got typecast as a demented rapist and killer. In this road movie based on the novel The Violence and the Fury by Peter Kane, he’s a demented, misogynistic bank-robber on the run. Reporter Franco Nero and his fed-up wife Corrine Clery pick him up on their way back from a camping holiday. He takes them hostage, kills a couple of cops, rapes Clery, and Nero wants to write a book about it. Then his thief accomplices turn up and Nero and Clery are back and forth between them as the double-crosses pile up. Not that good, but passable for its type, with good ironic use of a hippy love song on the soundtrack. I liked the very brief scene where Nero loses it when his car won’t start.

HITCH HIKE TO HELL (1967 US) D/P: IRVIN BERWICK W: JOHN BUCKLEY A mother-dominated creep (Robert Gribbin) drives a dry-cleaning delivery van and picks up hitch-hiking young women. If they love their momma that’s ok and they’ll reach their destination. But if they’re promiscuous runaways they’ll end up raped and strangled. This Box Office International release isn’t too graphic and is very low-key, but ends up memorably bleak. With John Harmon and Russell Johnson. It was the penultimate film directed by the guy who made THE MONSTER OF PIEDRAS BLANCAS.

HIT LIST (1988 US) D: WILLIAM LUSTIG W: JOHN GOFF/PETER BROSNAN/AUBREY K. RATTAN/SCOTT SPIEGEL (uncredited) P: PAUL HERTZBERG Rip Torn seems to be enjoying himself as a nasty Mafia boss who orders gangster witness Leo Rossi dead. Lance Henriksen is the hitman who accidentally kidnaps Jan-Michael Vincent instead. Henriksen’s character works in a shoe shop as a front and Charles Napier is a determined FBI agent. Lustig made this not-bad action thriller after his MANIAC COP. The finale in a multistorey car park is pretty exciting. Vincent was still having a serious problem with coke and booze at the time. With Ken Lerner and Frank Pesce.

HIT MAN (1972 US) D/W: GEORGE ARMITAGE P: GENE CORMAN Cool black cast remake of the classic British movie GET CARTER is good enough to stand on its own. Bernie Casey comes to LA to investigate his brother’s untimely death. With Pam Grier, Marilyn Joi, Paul Gleason and a great soundtrack. It was Armitage’s second film as director after PRIVATE DUTY NURSES.

THE HITMAN (contract killer; king of assassins; saai sau ji wong; sha shou zhi wang) (1998 HK) D: STEPHEN TUNG WAI W: CHAN HENG KA/VINCENT KOK/ CHENG KAM FU P: GORDON CHAN Jet Li is a humane, reluctant hitman (part of a gang) involved in a counter-attack against a hitman who killed a powerful Japanese company president. The plot gets more intricate than that, and Simon Yam is a police detective (with a secret identity) in charge of the investigation. Some of the action is good, while the story plods along at a slow pace. Not bad. The best bit is when Eric Tsang dives into the action heroic-bloodshed style only to find his gun doesn’t work. A refreshing spoof that works mainly due to the expression on his face. With Gigi Leung, Frankie Ng and John Ching Tung.

HITMAN IN THE HAND OF BUDDHA (inmuga in; che diy saai yan; jie dao sha ren) (1980 S.KOR) D: PARK YUN KYO (or, see below) P: HAN SANG HUN Hwang Jang Lee (Silver Fox in THE SECRET RIVALS) (maybe) directed himself (as a hero, no less) in this excellent kung fu favourite (I’m pretty sure he took the reins for most of the action sequences). He plays a man who gets involved in a dispute between rivals in the rice-selling business and their mob connections. Tino Wong and Eddie Ko are villains. The fight choreography by Yuen Kuai, Chin Yuet San and Meng Hoi is sure to satisfy. With Fan Mei San, Yuen Kuai and To Siu Ming. A dvd release contains the usual English-language print (very good quality) and a longer Korean-language edit of the film (with subtitles), to which this review refers. The quality is inferior but there’s an extra few mins of fighting. We may not have all the answers here at Spinegrinder, but for those supersleuths in the know, please check out the review for EAGLE VS. SILVER FOX which takes things to dizzier heights, as both Hwang Jang Lee and Godfrey Ho seem to have shared the Park Yuk Kyo name (or not). Han Sang Hun also pops up as producer of that film (and THE CLONES OF BRUCE LEE), but I think it may be a case of both Hwang and Han (who may be Joseph Lai and/or Tomas Tang!!) laying credit for the same thing in HITMAN’s example. The more we investigate, the more confusing it gets. I have heard stories of numerous people working under the same name(s) for purely commercial reasons in the world of Taiwanese/S.Korean/HK kung fu cheapies. In a nut shell, then, the director of HITMAN… is Park Yun Kyo, or, Hwang Jang Lee, or both. Then again, might Park Yun Kyo be the Osaka-born-but-Korean Lee’s birth name? Producer is Han Sang Hun, but, even more confusingly, Hwang Jang Lee is also supposed to have produced it. There you go.

HITMAN THE COBRA (1987) D/W: “GODFREY HO” W: STEPHEN SOUL/AAV CREATIVE UNIT P: JOSEPH LAI/BETTY CHAN If you ever see a video with the names Ho and Lai on it and it stars Richard Harrison, leave well alone. This waste of space, including dull generic gunfights with “Japs”, is no exception.

HITOKIRI (tenchu!) (1969 JPN) D/P: HIDEO GOSHA W: SHINOBU HASHIMOTO P: SHINTARO KATSU Shintaro Katsu is Okada Izo, a legendary historical figure. Once a ronin, he became a prime mover during the mid-19th century Meiji Restoration conflict, and (according to events here) was manipulated and then betrayed by his cunning new master (Tatsuya Nakadai). Izo was considered a sympathetic yet wild and dangerous killer of men, who was eventually put to death (Takashi Miike’s IZO [2004] was based on him, and, I think, segments of this classic). For those who’ve only seen Katsu as Zatoichi, this is a prime example of his wide scope of fine performances. Hashimoto wrote far too many great scripts to list, and Gosha is considered one of the masters of the period samurai action dramas (his next was THE WOLVES). With Yukio Mishima (who has just been in Kinji Kukasaku’s BLACK LIZARD), Yujiro Ishihara as Ryoma Sakamoto (“the renaissance samurai”), Mitsuko Baisho, Ichiro Nakaya and Kunie Tanaka.

HITTIN’ THE TRAIL (1937 US) D: ROBERT N. BRADBURY W: ROBERT EMMETT (TANSEY) P: EDWARD FINNEY Tex Ritter, his horse White Flash, and sidekick Hank Worden are tricked by The Tombstone Kid (Archie Ricks) into swapping horses, leading to a case of mistaken identity at the beginning of this routine b/w 57 mins western with lots of singing. The rest of the plot involves villain Earl Dwire trying to frame Ritter and others with stolen herds of horses he’s trying to rustle across the border. With Tommy Bupp, Charles King, “Snub” Pollard, Ed Cassidy, Jack C. Smith, Steve Clark, Glenn Strange and Francis Walker. The musicians in this Grand National release are The Texas Tornadoes (here billed as the Tex Ritter Tornadoes) and Ray Whitley and the Range Ramblers (with washboards).

HITZ See: JUDGEMENT

THE H-MAN (bijou to ekitai ningen) (1958 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: TAKESHI KIMURA/HIDEO UNAGAMI P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA This colourful CinemaScope sci-fi/gangster movie is generally considered one of Honda’s best. Japanese critics at the time considered it an allegory for drug abuse. Unfortunately it’s not aged well, but is still worth a look. A drug-dealer (Makoto Sato) seems to disappear after being exposed to radiation. But in fact he’s transformed into a semi-transparent green slime that turns anyone it touches into slime, too! The FX by Eiji Tsubarya aren’t so great now, but you can still appreciate them in the context of time. The climax takes part inside the Tokyo sewer system. It’s better that THE BLOB (from the same year). With Yumi Shirakawa, Kenji Sahara, Akihiko Hirata, Yoshifumi Tajima, Eitara Ozawa, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Tadao Nakamura and Yosuke Natsuki. I’m not sure, but a guy seen briefly near the beginning looked like Satoshu Nakamura, the scientist from THE MANSTER. When it was released in the US, lucky ticket-buyers were given free H-Man sponges! Bring back showmanship!

HOBGOBLINS (goblin) (1987 US) D/W/P: RICK SLOANE P: GREYDON CLARK A guy gets a new job as the security guard at a deserted movie studio lot. Little furry aliens (think GREMILNS mixed with CRITTERS) are locked up there, but escape. They’re able to tap into people’s minds to make them live their fantasies. Our hero’s main squeeze is a victim. Sloane (the VICE ACDAEMY series) also edited and photographed. I find it kind of scary that any one person would devote themselves so much to a movie this bad. It’s supposed to be funny, by the way, in case you didn’t catch that. [Illus.]

HOKURIKU PROXY WAR (hokuriku dairi senso) (1977 JPN) D: KINJI FUKASAKU W: KOJI TAKADA P: GORO SAKABE/KEIICHI HASHIMOTO Hiroki Matsuka stars in this absolutely first-class yakuza gangster war thriller that benefits from having the story located in the coastal town of Hokuriku. Sonny Chiba has the part of the yakuza boss from neighbouring Osaka. With Yumiko Nogawa, Hajima Hana, Ko Nishimura, Takeo Chii, Mikio Narita, Jiro Chiba and Nenji Kobayashi. Don’t miss it! Takada wrote countless yakuza movies for Fukasaku and others.

HOLD-UP See: PLUNDER ROAD

THE HOLE (1964) See: ONIBABA

THE HOLE (after the hole) (2001 UK) D: NICK HAMM W: BEN COURT/CAROLINE IP P: JEREMY BOLT/LISA BRYER/PIPPA CROSS Four teens (Thora Birch, Desmond Harrington, Laurence Fox and Keira Knightley) lock themselves in an abandoned bomb shelter for a party, only to end up slowly going crazy when there’s nobody to let them out. Events and opposing stories are seen as flashbacks after the event. Not bad, but characterisation is pretty thin on the ground, and what there is is swamped by too much style. Based on Guy Burt’s novel After The Hole.

A HOLE IN THE HEAD (1998 US) D/P: ELI KABILLIO P: CEVIN SOLING Here’s a fascinating 50 mins or so documentary about trepanation (making a small hole in the skull to increase blood volume to the brain) and a modern movement that wants to make the surgery available on the National Health. We learn that “the oldest operation in history” was practised as far back as Neolithic Europe and administered worldwide for various reasons including migranes, mental health, releasing demons and for stopping people freaking out on drug trips. Also “skull trepanation gets you high”. A clip from KWAHERI of a witch doctor at work is amazing. I’d like to see, in its entirety, the video of a female artist who trepanned herself. Kabillo also made URINE: GOOD HEALTH (1999) about the benefits of drinking piss.

HOLIDAY CAMP See: CONFESSIONS FROM A HOLIDAY CAMP

HOLIDAY FROM RULES? (1958 US) D/W: Wm H. MURRAY Four kids who hate rules have the narrator of this 11 mins colour short transport them to an “island” (very cheap set) where they hope they don’t have to listen to grown-ups. The LORD OF THE FLIES syndrome soon kicks in as the kids resort to beating one another up because there are no rules to say they can’t. An interesting detour from the norm for connoisseurs of classroom education films.

HOLIDAY ON THE BUSES (1973 UK) D: BRYAN IZZARD W/P: RONALD CHESNEY/RONALD WOLFE After an accident at the bus depot, an unemployed Reg Varney and Stephen Lewis end up working at a Pontins holiday camp in the final entry in the Hammer BUSES trilogy. The usual hilarity ensues. With Wilford Brimley.

HOLLOW MAN (invisible) (2000 US GER) D: PAUL VERHOEVEN W: ANDREW S. MARLOWE/ GARY SCOTT THOMPSON P: DOUGLAS WICK/ ALAN MARSHALL Kevin Bacon is a brilliant but egotistical arsehole scientist experimenting with invisibility for the military. Making dogs and monkeys invisible isn’t a problem, but making them visible again is (the scene where a gorilla slowly reappears is pretty amazing) is. Bacon volunteers himself as the first human guinea pig, and progressively gets more and more unhinged (a tradition dating back to the original THE INVISIBLE MAN). Eventually Bacon’s research team (including Elisabeth Shue, Josh Brolin and Kim Dickens) are picked off one by one in a sealed research lab. Scott E. Anderson’s FX are great, and there’s some nice visceral Verhoeven touches, but it should have been more entertaining. With William Devane, Joey Slotnick and Rhona Mitra. A bad direct-to-tv sequel followed in 2006.

HOLLOW POINT (bad max) (1995 CAN US) D: SIDNEY J. FURIE W: ROBERT GEOFFRION/JAMES H. STEWART P: NICHOLAS CLERMONT FBI agent Tia Carrere wants to nail influential gangster John Lithgow, about to do a big deal with Russian, Italian and Chinese organisations. Pill-popping DEA agent Thomas Ian Griffith wants the bust and money for his own department. The two argue, play cat and mouse, and reluctantly team up. They eventually become a trio with cheerful, chatty assassin Donald Sutherland and try to set all the mobsters against one another. This is an irritating post-Tarantino action-comedy thriller complete with BILLY JACK references and a convoluted Mexican stand-off. The only good point is the fun Sutherland, who gets all the best lines. With David Hemblen, Kliment Denchev, Vlasta Vrana, Richard Zeman, Richard Jutras, Mark Camacho, Russell Yuen, Sheena Larkin, David Francis and Jason Blicker. It was filmed for Nu Image in Montreal by the director of SUPERMAN 4.

HOLLOW TRIUMPH See: THE SCAR

HOLLYWOOD BLUE See: HAPPY HOOKER GOES HOLLYWOOD

HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS (hollywood hookers) (1987 US) D/W/P: “S. CARVER” (FRED OLEN RAY) W: “B.J. NESTLES” (T.L. LANKFORD) Jay Richardson is a private eye who narrates this tongue-in-cheek tale of a chainsaw cult of young women (naked, of course) who pick up men and kill them on behalf of Gunner Hansen (the original Leatherface). Typically trashy Olen Ray gimmick is not as much fun as it seems to think it is. With Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer, Fox Harris and Dawn Wildsmith.

THE HOLLYWOOD HILLSIDE STRANGLER See: INSANITY

HOLLYWOOD HOOKERS See: HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS

HOLLYWOOD MEAT CLEAVER MASSACRE (meat cleaver massacre; revenge of the dead; evil force) (1977 US) D: EVAN LEE W: KEITH BURNS W/P: RAY ATHERTON Ne’er-do-well college students break into a professor’s house one night. They smash him over the head and kill his wife and kids. The professor falls into a coma, but manages to invoke some demon (which we only see a drawing of) to kill off the arseholes in supernatural (and not entirely understandable, or viewable because of the nonexistent lighting) ways. It’s a bore, but you might want to know that somehow they got Christopher Lee (!) to sit down and give an onscreen intro (and outro) to the tale, discussing largely unrelated supernatural topics (some of the stories are much more interesting than the film). Apparently Guerdon Trueblood (director of THE CANDY SNATCHERS) has a part.

HOLLYWOOD 90028 See: INSANITY

HOLLYWOOD SHUFFLE (1987 US) D/W/P: ROBERT TOWNSEND W: KEENAN IVORY WAYANS/DORM IRRERA Sometimes very funny satire about the stereotyped roles given to struggling black actor Townsend. A b/w detective movie section called Death of a Breakdancer features Steve James. But the funniest part for me was the black acting school ad (“call 1-800-555-COON”) and the hit tv series There’s A Bat In My House. MANDINGO is also spoofed and there’s a clip from Attack Of The Street Pimps. With Damon (and Keenan Ivory) Wayans, Irrera, Rusty Cundieff (director of TALES FROM THE HOOD), Grand L. Bush, John Witherspoon, Jim Beaver, Franklyn Ajae and lots of Eddie Murphy clones.

THE HOLLYWOOD STRANGLER MEETS THE SKID ROW SLASHER See: MODEL KILLER

HOLLYWOOD VICE SQUAD (1986 US) D: PENELOPE SPHEERIS W: JAMES J. DOCHERTY P: ARNOLD ORGOLONI/SANDY HOWARD This silly but fairly entertaining movie is supposedly based on real-life cases. Trish Van Devere is a mother from the Midwest looking for her heroin addict/hooker daughter. Underage SM porno shoots are busted and an angel dust freak steals a bus. Carrie Fisher is the biggest star here. With Ronny Cox, Frank Gorshin, Leon Isaac Kennedy, Robin Wright, Julius W. Harris, Joey Travolta, Robert Miano and Beau Starr. It’s from Concorde.

HOLOCAUST HOLOCAUST See: DESTINED TO BE INGESTED

HOLS’ GREAT ADVENTURE See: THE GREAT ADVENTURE OF HOLS

THE HOLY MOUNTAIN (la montana sagrada) (1973 MEX) D/W/P: ALEJANDRO JODOROWSKY Now here’s a film. So much happens that a simple review can’t really do it all justice, but I’ll give it a go. Nine disciples are guided by the master (Jodorowsky) to the title mountain to try to find the secret of immortality. Basically. What makes it memorable, though, is the endless barrage of incredible images (forgiving its sometime dated, preachy and pretentious moments). A parade of crucified goats, Conquistador frogs, dancing soldiers in gas masks (which must have inspired 1993’s DOLLAR MAMBO), shit turning to gold, a fashion accessory weapons factory, 1000 testicles, a man with tiger-head breasts, incredible sets, lots of blood and lots more that’s pointless to catalogue. The photography is by Rafel Corleidi and the very 70s ending will delight or infuriate. Regardless, a must-see. With Juan Ferrara, Hector Orteg, Jacqueline Voltaire and David Silva. This Allen Klein-backed flop was originally to have starred Dennis Hopper!

HOLY TERROR (1976) See: ALICE, SWEET ALICE

HOLY TERROR (2002 US) D/W/P: MASSIMILANO CERCHI W: FRATELLI DINOTTE An estate agent seems to be under the control of a nun with a scary face and undetermined powers. He rents a house to a young couple who throw a (small) housewarming party. Everyone drinks, jokes and swap partners. The nun turns up. The estate agent and the main girl escape. The end! Despite being less than one hour (I’m sure it lasted at least ten) it has edited highlights (!) before the very looong end credits roll. More quality entertainment from the director of CREATURES FROM THE ABYSS and THE MUMMY THEME PARK.

THE HOLY VIRGIN VS. THE EVIL DEAD (moh sungip; mo chun jie) (1990 HK) D: WONG JAN YEUNG P: LEUNG CHING/TSUI SIU HUNG When the moon turns red, a long-haired flying maniac kills women and eats their flesh. A schoolteacher (Donnie Yen) and friends investigate after his students are slaughtered. It has something to do with a Cambodian cult. Cheap, half-assed dud has nudity, magic FX, martial arts and minimum gore, but is still thoroughly tedious. With Ben Lam Kwok Bun, Robert Mak Tak Law, Hsu Hsia, Ken Lo and Sibelle Hu.

HOLY WATER JOE See: ACQUASANTA JOE

HOLY WEDNESDAY See: FANGS (1974)

HOMEBOY (1974) See: BLACK FIST

HOMEBOY (1988 US) D: MICHAEL SERESIN W: “EDDIE COOK” (MICKEY ROURKE) P: ELLIOTT KASTNER/ ALAN MARSHALL Mickey Rourke is an uneducated, self-destructive small-time boxer in this notbad, downbeat drama. Christopher Walken is worth watching as a conman, hustler, (terrible) cabaret singer and wannabe jewel thief (you gotta see him disguised as a rabbi). With Jon Poito, Ruben Baldes and Stephen Badlwin.

HOME MOVIES (the maestro) (1979 US) D/W/P: BRIAN DE PALMA W: ROBERT HARDENS/KIM AMBLER/ DANA EDELMAN/STEPHEN LE MAY/CHARLIE LOVENTHAL/GLORIA MORRIS De Palma made this instantly dated and mostly irritating throwback to his early counterculture comedies between THE FURY and DRESSED TO KILL. Keith Gordon (STATIC, CHRISTINE) is the lonely, ignored younger son in a dysfunctional family that consists of a cheating doctor father (Vincent Gardenia), a suicidal mother and an uptight vegan older brother (Gerrit Graham) who dominates a group of men with a “Spartanethics” diet (no meat, smoking, drinking or sex). Despite being an arsehole, Graham manages to have a nice, cute girlfriend (De Palma’s short-time wife Nancy Allen) whom Gordon falls for. Kirk Douglas is a film class teacher (as De Palma was at the time) called “the maestro” who interrupts the film with advice and encourages Gordon (“an extra in his own life”) to make a film about himself in order to sort it all out. It gave me a headache. With Loretta Tupper, Theresa Saldana and Charlie Loventhall (MY DEMON LOVER).

HOME SWEET HOME (slasher in the house) (1980 US) D: NETTIE PENA W: THOMAS BUSH This warped but mostly dull horror movie has Jake Steinfield as a crazed PCP-addicted killer escaping from an asylum and stalking bad actors at a remote house. The strangest thing is a kid in mime whiteface with a guitar and an amp strapped to his back running around interrupting couples trying to have sex. The funniest part is when Steinfield (“personal trainer to the stars” in real-life) leaps on an open car hood, thus crushing the poor guy checking the engine. With the wonderfully bad actress Sally Elyse (DEMENTED), Vinessa Shaw and Don Edmunds (ILSA director?).

HOME SWEET HOME (1988) See: LURKERS

HOMICIDAL (1961 US) D/P: WILLIAM CASTLE W: ROBB WHITE Although it undoubtedly took its cue and shock ending straight from Hitchcock’s classic, this fun b/w psychodrama has been unfairly branded an inferior PSYCHO clone over the years. After an on-screen introduction from Castle himself, the story sucks us in straight away as a leggy blonde checks into a hotel and makes a deal with the bellboy to marry her. To tell you any more would spoil the surprise, but suffice to say there’s a topnotch decapitation scene and a “fright break” where theatre patrons could make their way to “coward’s corner” (a fine Castle gimmick). Jean Arless is much more convincing than Anthony Perkins in a fright wig. With James Westerfield and Joseph Forte. MR. SARDONICUS is from the same year.

THE HONEYMOON KILLERS (the lonely hearts killers) (1970 US) D/W: LEONARD KASTLE D: DONALD VOLKMAN (uncredited) P: WARREN STEIBEL The true story of the lonely hearts killers Ray Hernandez and Martha Beck, and it’s an excellent, moody b/w documentary-style landmark. Tony Lo Bianco is Hernandez, a Latin immigrant who cons women into giving over their life savings and then skips town. Shirely Stoler is Beck, a sulky fat nurse who falls in love with him. They hook up together (with a base on Long Island) to con more rich women. Murder eventually becomes part of the equation. It ends prior to their 1951 executions by electric chair. Maybe a tad low-key for some, but rewarding, and the acting is first-class. With Doris Roberts. Martin Scorsese was originally meant to direct. DEEP CRIMSON (1996) is a later version of the same story.

HONEYMOON OF FEAR See: FEAR IN THE NIGHT (1972)

HONG KONG GODFATHER (chung gik tin ji moon sang; chong ji tian zi men sheng) (1990 HK) D: LO LIEH or HOH CHEUK WING (?) W: NAM YIN P: CHAN CHI MING Andy Lau stars in this pretty good cops vs infighting triads heroic bloodshed movie. Different sources claim different directors. Lieh does appear as a narc who gets an icepick in the head. A riot between gangs and armoured police is a highlight. With Alan Tang, Tommy Wong, Roy Cheung, Jimmy Lee, Joey Wong, Bao Fang and Jason Pai Piao.

HONKY (1971 US) D: WILLIAM A. GRAHAM W/P: WILL CHANEY P: RON ROTH White John Nielson and gorgeous black Brenda Sykes are an interracial high school couple who attempt to raise cash by selling grass so they can leave their troublesome small-town existence for California. This Kansaslensed adaptation of Gunard Solberg’s novel is an interesting time capsule race relation movie, with an instantly dated tragic ending (with Matt Clark as a redneck rapist). William Marshall is Sykes’ father. With Marion Ross, John Hillerman, Lincoln Kilpatrick and John Fiedler.

THE HOODED TERROR See: SEXTON BLAKE AND THE HOODED TERROR

HOODLUM (1997 US) D: BILL DUKE W: CHRIS BRANCATO P: FRANK MANCUSO JR. Laurence Fishburne (co-executive producer) stars as 30s Harlem numbers racketeer Bumpy Johnson. Tim Roth is Dutch Schultz and Andy Garcia is Lucky Luciano in this decent, cartoonish gangster movie, a step-up from Duke’s A RAGE IN HARLEM (1991). With Vanessa L. Williams, Chi McBride, Cicely Tyson, Clarence Williams III, Richard Bradford, William Atherton, Loretta Devine, Queen Latifah, Beau Starr, Mike Starr, Ed O’Ross and John Toles-Bey.

HOOK (porno loop) See: FORBIDDEN SEXUALITY

HOOPER (1978 US) D: HAL NEEDHAM W: BILL KERBY/THOMAS RICKMAN/WALT GREEN/WALTER S. HENDU P: LAWRENCE GORDON/HANK MOONJEAN Legendary ageing stuntman Burt Reynolds is addicted to painkillers and all too aware that young upstart Jan-Michael Vincent is gaining on him. Scenes of Reynolds and friends boozing it while recklessly driving down the highway (as comic relief) wouldn’t be too welcome in a major release nowadays. With Sally Field, Brian Keith, Robert Tessier, James Best, Adam West and Don “Red” Barry. There are some very good stunts, particularly the climactic rocket-car jump.

HORNY HOUSE OF HORROR See: FASHION HELL X

THE HORNY VAMPIRE (1971 US) D: RAY DENNIS STECKLER Victor Alexander is the horny voyeuristic vamp who tries to score with chicks in what’s left (about 40 mins) of a hardcore Steckler rarity, offered as an extra on the back of Something Weird’s release of THE MAD LOVE LIFE OF A HOT VAMPIRE. For masochistic completists only.

HORRIBLE See: ABSURD

THE HORRIBLE DR. HICHCOCK See: THE TERROR OF DR. HICHCOCK

THE HORRIBLE MILL WOMEN See: MILL OF THE STONE WOMEN

THE HORRIBLE SECRET OF DR. HICHCOCK See: THE TERROR OF DR. HICHCOCK

HORRIFYING EXPERIMENTS OF THE S.S. LAST DAYS See: S.S. HELL CAMP

HORROR (the blancheville monster) (1963 ITL SPN) D: ALBERTO DE MARTINO W: BRUNO CORBUCCI/ GIOVANNI GRIMALDI/NATIVIDAD ZARO Atmospheric yet uneventful b/w horror copies numerous Edgar Allan Poe stories with its tale of dark family secrets and a woman being buried alive, set at a remote old castle (a great location that should be in a better film). With Helga Line, Gerard Tichy and Iran Eory. It’s an early film for the director of THE PUMA MAN.

HORROR AND THE WEREWOLF See: THE WEREWOLF AND THE YETI

THE HORROR CHAMBER OF DR. FAUSTUS See: EYES WITHOUT A FACE

HORROR EXPRESS (panic on the trans-siberian train; panico en el transiberiano) (1972 UK SPN) D: EUGENIO MARTIN W: ARNAUD D’USSEAN/JULIAN ZIMET P: BERNARD GORDON Fun horror actioner stars Christopher Lee as an explorer transporting a frozen missing link (in a wooden chest) from China on the Trans-Siberian Express in 1906. Peter Cushing (who gets the funniest lines) co-stars as a rival doctor/ scientist, as the missing link (a two million-yearold alien) defrosts and turns passengers into blankeyed zombies after draining their brains. Fast-moving exciting hokum. With an over-the-top Telly Savalas as a Cossack soldier, Alberto de Mendoza, Julio Pena, Angel de Pozo, Helga Line, Georges Rigaud, Victor Israel, José Jaspe, Beranbe Barta Barri, José Marco Davo and José Canalegas. It was shot back to back with the western PANCHO VILLA (same train, same Savalas).

HORROR FROM THE TOMB See: HORROR RISES FROM THE TOMB

HORROR GAME MOVIE See: NIGHTMARE (2000)

HORROR HIGH See: TWISTED BRAIN

HORROR HOSPITAL (computer killers; doctor bloodbath) (1973 UK) D/W: ANTONY BALCH W: ALAN WATSON P: RICHARD GORDON CONFESSIONS… series regular Robin Askwith is a songwriter who falls out with his band and decides to take a break from London. He goes to a travel agency called “Hairy Holidays” where an overtly homosexual Dennis Price books him into a countryside “health resort”. Here, Askwith soon discovers that doctor Michael Gough has turned all his patients into drooling vegetables. Gough has a dwarf assistant (Skip Martin), leatherclad biker henchmen and a special car for decapitating runaways. This odd gore comedy is not entirely successful but stands out as a bizarre, unclassifiable cult item. Balch collaborated with William S. Burroughs (!) for TOWERS OPEN FIRE (1963), THE CUT UPS (1966) and BILL AND TONY (1972) and also made SECRETS OF SEX (1970) for producer Gordon.

HORROR-HOSPITAL (1981) See: VISITING HOURS

HORROR HOTEL (the city of the dead) (1960 UK) D: JOHN LLEWELLYN MOXEY W: GEORGE BAXT W/P: MILTON SUBOTSKY P: DONALD TAYLOR/MAX J. ROSENBERG History professor Christopher Lee encourages a female student to spend her vacation in the remote Massachusetts village of Whitewood, to gather information on local superstition about witchcraft. After she disappears her boyfriend and brother follow to discover that witchcraft is still practised, and that innkeeper Patricia Jessel is an ancient witch. Horror fans tend to get a bit overzealous when rediscovering an old gem, and recent reappraisals of this formerly obscure pre-Amicus item from Subotsky and Rosenberg have gone a bit over-the-top. No lost classic, it is an effective and eerie supernatural thriller, with more dry ice than any other film I can think of. Valentine Dyall is also in the cast of Moxey’s debut. Baxt wrote CIRCUS OF HORRORS from the same year, and the later TOWER OF EVIL was based on a novel of his.

HORROR HOTEL (1976) See: EATEN ALIVE (1976)

HORROR HOTEL (1986) See: BLOODY NEW YEAR

HORROR HOTEL (199? CAM) D: MING SAWAD (?) A young woman is sold to a brothel. After putting up with lecherous men, she is possessed by a woman ghost with a spike hammered into her forehead (I think) and kills. The vcd had English subtitles (not for the credits, though), but the story still didn’t make sense. Lots of nudity is good, but everything else is bad. Sixty-seven mins long.

HORROR HOUSE See: THE HORROR SHOW

HORROR IN BOWERY STREET See: STREET TRASH

HORROR IN THE MIDNIGHT SUN See: TERROR IN THE MIDNIGHT SUN

HORROR ISLAND (1941 US) D: GEORGE WAGGNER W: VICTOR McLEOD/MAURICE TOMBRAGEL P: BEN PIVAR Broke moneymaking schemer wannabe Dick Foran cons various characters into an adventure holiday to a supposedly haunted island, where treasure is thought to be hidden. Red herrings abound as someone kills off the cast one-by-one in an old castle. It must have seemed like a desperate, old-fashioned comedy mystery even when it was new, but this is an ok b/w hour of vintage hokum. It’s nice to see busy supporting player Emmett Vogan with a more substantial role than usual. With Leo Carrillo, Peggy Moran, Fuzzy Knight, John Eldredge, Hobart Cavanaugh, Walter Catlett, Ralf Harolde, Iris Adrian, Robert Barron and Eddy Chandler. Based on Alex Gottlieb’s story Terror Of The South Seas.

THE HORROR MAN See: THE TELL-TALE HEART

HORROR MANIACS See: THE GREED OF WILLIAM HART

HORROR NEWSPAPER (kyofu shinbun) (1996 JPN) D: TERUYOSHI ISHII W: CHIAKI KONAKA P: AKIO MOTOJIMA/TOMOYUKI IMAE/AKIMOTO OKAGAWA A schoolgirl receives a mysterious newspaper every night in her room which predicts forthcoming strange deaths. Of course, we see each story unfold, making this an anthology of sorts. All the stories (based on manga by Jiro Tsunoda) are rubbish and feature cheap-looking computer generated FX. It’s a real chore even at only 75 mins.

HORROR OF DRACULA See: DRACULA (1958)

THE HORROR OF FRANKENSTEIN (1970 UK) D/W/P: JIMMY SANGSTER W: JEREMY BURNHAM Hammer made this Ralph Bates vehicle separate from the official Frankenstein series with Peter Cushing, and everybody seems to hate it. Taken on its own merits however, it’s quite enjoyable, and certainly one of the better films from the company’s declining years. The underrated Bates is great as a charming yet utterly callous and amoral Frankenstein. Dennis Price provides corpses, Kate O’Mara is a live-in housekeeper/whore, Veronica Carlson pines for Bates, and Jon Finch is a suspicious police lieutenant. What makes it fun is the rich vein of black humour, which includes the Baron bringing a tortoise back to life! The third act with Dave Prowse as a rather silly-looking monster drags a bit, and the unexpected downbeat ending may throw you, but it is different, and must have influenced the full-on camp of the terminal Cushing vehicle FRANKENSTEIN AND THE MONSTER FROM HELL. With James Hayter. It was Sangster’s feature directorial debut after writing countless screenplays for respected Hammer hits. He also got to helm the awful LUST FOR A VAMPIRE and the passable FEAR IN THE NIGHT.

THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH (1964 US) D/P: DEL TENNEY W: RICHARD HILLIARD/RONALD GIANETTINO/ LOU BINDER Radioactive waste is dumped into the sea and a long transformation scene results in hard-to-believe, goofy gill-man monsters. They claw female victims and drink blood (not seen). Meanwhile The Del Aires play a bunch of songs (including The Zombie Stomp) at the beach as teens dance. Legendary b/w cult item was a major disappointment after all the hype. Those monsters are worth seeing, but the fun trailer has it all anyway. You need not sit through the whole thing. Tenney appears as a gas station attendant.

HORROR OF SNAPE ISLAND See: TOWER OF EVIL

HORROR OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS (creatures of the prehistoric planet; horror creatures of the prehistoric planet; space mission of the lost planet; vampire men of the lost planet) (1970 US) D/P: AL ADAMSON W: SUE McNAIR Another wretched but highly entertaining Adamson flick released via Sam Sherman’s Independent International. Adamson got his hands on a Filipino fantasy flick about warring prehistoric tribes and (highly amusing) monsters, and cut it up to use as stock-footage. Trouble is, it was in b/w, so the process of “Spectrum X” (simply tinting the screen different primary colours) was born. But first, we begin with an unrelated prologue on Earth. Vampires (including Adamson himself, and Gary Graver sporting joke shop fangs) are attacking people on the streets, while we are treated to excitable doom laden narration from none other than Brother Theodore! Then we switch to a man and a woman (who later screw using a loud, flashing orgasmatron) at Earth HQ, communicating with the crew of a space mission (including grumpy scientist John Carradine, heroic Robert Dix, bighaired Vicki Volante and a clichéd comic relief type). Their ship is damaged, so they must land on the nearest planet. This planet with “conditions identical to Earth” has an atmosphere that is “all-red” (then later blue, green etc.), but only when we see footage from TAGANI (the aforementioned 1957 source of the stock-footage, everything else is regular colour). Carradine stays on the ship to analyse everything, while the rest disembark (using a regular ladder) and encounter cave-men and women in loincloths, bug-eyed underwater crabmen, dinosaurs, dwarf bat-men and familiar footage of lizard wrestling from the 1940 hit ONE MILLION B.C. (whether this material had already been stolen for that production, or latterly by Adamson, I’m not sure). They can communicate with a sexy female lead thanks to a translator they implant in her head. Background ambiance is achieved by an obvious loop of bird calls and a dog barking that only lasts a few seconds before it begins again. At the end, half the crew are dead because of poisoned air, but Carradine, Dix and Volante escape, and Carradine gets to muse on the future of humankind. Vilmos Zsigmond was the photographer for the new footage, Dave Hewlett provided leftover props from his THE WIZARD OF MARS and Peter Perry (I think the same one who worked for Harry Novak, but I could be wrong) is credited with something. I enjoyed seeing Bronson Canyon (as always), and the fact that an astronaut relaxes on-board the ship with a cigarette! When released in Italy, the distributors added more footage from Brit 70s sci-fi tv series UFO!

HORROR OF THE STONE WOMEN See: MILL OF THE STONE WOMEN

HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES (the blind dead 3; the ghost galleon; ghost ships of the blind dead; ship of zombies; la noche del buque maldito) (1975 SPN) D/W: AMANDO DE OSSORIO P: J.L. BERMUDEZ DE CASTRO Third in a series that began with TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD is pretty silly. A couple of models get themselves lost at sea in a “yacht” (a speedboat, which is obviously docked). A mist-shrouded galleon (an obvious toy) turns up and they board it, only to find the flesh-eating Templar Knights who rise from their coffins below deck. The Templars are still cool horror characters and look great on location (especially the ending), but this is not a good sequel. With Maria Perschy, Jack Taylor and Manuel De Blas. Cut versions are trimmed of some gore. NIGHT OF THE SEAGULLS followed.

HORROR ON SNAPE ISLAND See: TOWER OF EVIL

HORROR PLANET See: INSEMINOID

HORROR RISES FROM THE TOMB (horror from the tomb; mark of the devil 4; vengeance of the zombies; el espanto surge la tumba) (1972 SPN) D: CARLOS AURED W: JACINTO MOLINA Paul Naschy (who wrote the screenplay under his real name, Jacinto Molina) is a 15th century knight accused of witchcraft. He curses his identical twin captor (Naschy) before his head is cut off. Years later a séance resurrects the curse for a modern-day descendant (Naschy in a suit) and the knight Naschy returns, carrying his head around at a remote, snow-swept chalet. He possesses characters to exact his revenge. With Emma Cohen, Helga Line, Luis Ciges, Julio Pena and Juan Cazalilla. I thoroughly enjoyed this gothic spooker and any horror fan who doesn’t expect too much should get a kick out of it. I’ve read that there are cut versions, but I’m not sure which I saw. It had minor gore, but nothing extensive. I’d guess that either way it wouldn’t really impact on your enjoyment. Aured also directed Naschy in VENGEANCE OF THE MUMMY and CURSE OF THE DEVIL.

HORROR SAFARI See: INVADERS OF THE LOST GOLD

HORROR SCOPE See: 976-EVIL

THE HORROR SHOW (house 3; horror house) (1989 US) D: JAMES ISAAC/DAVID BLYTH (uncredited) W: ALLYN WARNER/LESLIE BOHEM P: SEAN S. CUNNINGHAM This isn’t really a HOUSE movie (as the aka implies). Brion James is a crazed killer sent to the electric chair. He somehow returns to terrorise the family of the cop that caught him (Lance Henriksen). I loved James in almost anything, so it’s especially disappointing that this ELM STREET-inspired horror fantasy sucks so bad. With Dedee Pfeiffer, Matt Clark, Alvy Moore and Lawrence Tierney. Original director Bylth was fired. Wes Craven’s SHOCKER from the same year had similar ideas.

HORRORS OF MALFORMED MEN (kyofu kikei ningen: edogawa rampo zenshu) (1969 JPN) D/W: TERUO ISHII W: MASAHIRO KAKEFUDA P: SHIGERU OKADA/ HIROSHI TENNOO Teruo Yoshida can’t figure out how he ended up in a Taisho-era mental asylum, manages to escape but is framed for murder. On the run, he impersonates a recently deceased wealthy landowner lookalike and claims to have returned to life. This sometimes slow but somewhat demented “ero-gro” (erotic grotesque) Rampo adaptation (with elements of The Human Chair and WALKER IN THE ATTIC) ends on an island where a bearded nutcase creates Dr. Moreau-style mutations (played full-on mong-style by the Ankoku Butoh dancing troupe). Then, detective Kagero Akechi (Minoru Ooki) turns up, and there’s an explosive climax. Banned in Japan for its flippant attitude towards the mentally disabled (in authentic Rampo style) its recent subtitled dvd release was very welcome. It’s at its best when Ishii loosens the reins and lets the Butoh group take over. In nice garish colour. With Asao Koike, Kichijiro Ueda and comedian Toru Yuri as a monk.

HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND (body in the web; girls of spider island; the spider’s web; it’s hot in paradise; ein toter hing im netz) (1959 W.GER) D/W: “JAIME NOLAN” (FRITZ BOTTGER) W: ELDON HOWRAD/ ALBERT G. MILLER P: WOLFGANG HATWIG/GASTON HARIM Alex D’Arcy (BLOOD OF DRACULA’S CASTLE) is a talent scout who hires six female dancers in New York City to fly to Singapore to do a show. En route the plane crashes (stock-footage and closeups of screaming women obviously not on a plane). D’Arcy, the six dancers and another woman (D’Arcy’s business partner/girlfriend) end up on a small island where they find a scientist dead in his shack, caught in a giant web (not very realistic). Nothing much really happens for the rest of the movie, but D’Arcy does eventually get bitten by a weird-looking spider creature that turns him into a kind of wolfman with claws. Some uranium researchers arrive to rescue them all, and have a party with the bikini-clad girls (including Barbara Valentin as Babs). One girl is drowned by the monster and everyone speaks badly dubbed, stilted dialogue. It was filmed in Yugoslavia. With Robert Raglan. I have no idea why I enjoyed this silly waste of time (available on video as a Frank Henenlotter Sexy Shocker rediscovery from Something Weird), but I did. In b/w.

HORRORS OF THE RED PLANET See: THE WIZARD OF MARS

THE HORROR STAR (frightmare; upon a frightmare; body snatchers) (1981 US) D/W: NORMAN THADDEUS VANE Annoying teens (Jeffrey Combs among them) who run a film society steal the corpse of the recently deceased egotistical horror movie star Conrad Ragzoff (Ferdy Mayne). Ragzoff’s booby trapped crypt has the ex-star’s prerecorded image taunting intruders on a tv screen. They manage to escape and throw a party for the dead body (some twisted moments here), but a séance by Ragzoff’s widow brings a vengeful zombie to life. With Luca Bercovici, Nita Talbot, Leon Askin, Chuck Mitchell (PORKY’S), David Del Valle and Scott Thomson. Mostly boring and bad. Forrest J. Ackerman provides masks and posters.

HORROR WHORE See: HARDGORE

THE HOSPITAL (1971 US) D: ARTHUR HILLER W: PADDY CHAYEFSKY P: HOWARD GOTTFRIED George C. Scott gets his most apt role as an exhausted, suicidal doctor at an overworked and understaffed NYC hospital where disorganisation leads to negligence that results in death. He discovers that some recent terminal mishaps have in fact been planned murders. This darkly comic satire has dated surprisingly well, and in some ways (like NETWORK (1976), the next movie with a script by Chayefsky) was ahead-of-its-time. Chayefsky provides uncredited opening narration. Diana Rigg co-stars, with Barnard Hughes, Richard A. Dysart, Stephen Elliott, Roberts Blossom, Stockard Channing and Christopher Guest.

HOSPITAL MASSACRE See: X-RAY

HOST (1998) See: VIRTUAL OBSESSION

THE HOST (gwoemul) (2006 S.KOR) D/W: JOONHO BONG W: CHUL-HYUN BAEK/WON-JUN HA P: YONG-BA CHOI Formaldehyde is dumped into the Han River from an American army base (this actually happened in real-life). It results in a huge reptilian fish monster that terrorises the riverside and takes a teen girl (Ah-sung Ko) with it (this didn’t). Upon learning that she’s still alive in a canal somewhere, snack shop worker/layabout father Kang-ho Song, his father (Hiebong Byeon) and brother (Hae-il Park) and sister (Dunna Bae) must escape city-wide quarantine to rescue her. This black comedy is definitely an interesting and pretty entertaining new take on the monster movie (from the director of BARKING DOGS NEVER BITE and MEMORIES OF MURDER), but folks went overboard praising it when it was new, so bare that in mind. With Pil-sung Yim (director of 2005’s intriguing ANTARCTIC JOURNAL).

THE HOSTAGE’S BLOODY REVENGE See: FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE

HOSTEL (2005 US) D/W/P: ELI ROTH P: CHRIS BRIGGS/MIKE FLEISS A couple of annoying, horny American tourists (and one Icelander) in Amsterdam go to Slovakia in search of easy sluts to fuck, and end up at a hostel where they find pussy and secret death chambers for the torture and murder of kidnapped tourists. Nonsensical, boring and woefully outdated in its attempts to shock (although PG-13 major release-weened teens at the time seemed to find what they were looking for). Jay Hernandez stars, with Derek Richardson, Miroslans Taborsky, Rick Hoffman and cameos from Takashi Miike and director Roth (CABIN FEVER). Scott Spiegel, Boaz Yakin and Quentin Tarantino were executive producers. There was a slightly better HOSTEL II in 2007, and a direct-to-tv part III in 2011.

HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT (navy storm; watership warrior) (1998 US) D/P: DAVID A. PRIOR W: BRENT PFAFF/CHRIS PESCHKEN/SALLY WEISS In the “not too distant future” Brigitte Nielsen is a man-hating sadist who controls the only supply of drinkable water. Matthias Hues is the muscular long-haired loner who reluctantly helps peasants fight back against oppression. Typical bonehead action mostly takes place on a docked ship. Exciting, huh? Nielsen was an associate producer.

HOSTILE FORCE (alarm fur security 13) (1996 CAN GER) D: MICHAEL KENNEDY W: MICHAEL JANUARY P: JEFF SACKMAN/JAMES SHAVICK Andrew McCarthy heads a bunch of crooks who take over a security firm’s HQ so that a second team can break into a vault without setting off any alarms. A traumatised ex-cop is the heroine. Tedious thriller has no redeeming values. With Hannes Jaenicke, Brent Stait, Colin Cunningham, Wolf Larson, Ken Comroux, Andrew Wheeler and Peter Bryant.

HOT BED OF SEX See: AMUCK

HOT BLOODED See: RED BLOODED AMERICAN GIRL 2

HOT BLOODED WOMAN (1965 US) D/W: DALE BERRY W: MAJOR JEFFERSON DAVIS/BEAUREGARD LEE III P: WHIT BOYD Film-wise this b/w sexploitation drama about a woman whose psychotic-nymphoid tendencies threaten her marriage is utterly without merit. But the soundtrack is great. With Bill Thurman (from Larry Buchanan movies) and director Berry (THE GIRL AND THE GEEK).

THE HOT BOX (hell cats) (1972 US PHIL) D/W: JOE VIOLA W/P: JONATHAN DEMME Four good-looking Peace Corps nurses (one black, one brunette, blonde Margaret Markov and a blonde airhead named Bunny being the cutest) are kidnapped while in the Philippines by the revolutionary People’s Army (led by Carmen Aregenziano, resembling a bearded mix of Michael Ironside and James Caan, with an Afro). After a few escape attempts, they join in the fight against the Fascist military. The leads have welcome topless scenes. It’s passable drive-in fodder, but fairly run-of-the-mill for the genre. With Ruben Rustia, Ramon D’Salva and a dwarf. Roger Corman and Cirio H. Santiago both backed this New World release. Markov was in BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA the same year. Viola and Demme had also collaborated on the biker movie ANGELS HARD AS THEY COME (1971).

HOT CAR See: THE CHOPPERS

HOT FANTASIES See: BLACK CANDLES

HOT LEAD See: RUN OF THE ARROW

THE HOT PEARL SNATCH (1966 US) D: REN-MART A guy in a New Orleans bar during Mardi Gras (stock footage is seen) narrates some ridiculous, senseless story about a lesbian and pearls. The listener then hires a topless blonde prostitute to go pearl diving. Cut to a guy making out with black and white hookers in a hotel room (this is still being narrated by the way). A hooker is strangled and a guy is shot dead. Something to do with a curse on stolen pearls. What!? The Cramps named a song after this one-hour colour nudie. Topless pearl diver movies were also a Japanese exploitation movie staple for years.

THE HOT ROCK (how to steal a diamond in four uneasy lessons) (1972 US) D: PETER YATES W: WILLIAM GOLDMAN P: HAL LANDERS/BOBBY ROBERTS Fun, freewheeling crime caper has Robert Redford’s crew trying to steal a diamond that just refuses to remain in their possession for long. Exciting and funny, with a great infectious ending. Based on Donald E. Westlake’s novel. With George Segal, Moses Gunn, Zero Mostel, Graham Jarvis and Christopher Guest as a policeman. THE BANK SHOT followed.

HOT SHOTS! (1991 US) D/W: JIM ABRAHAMS W: PAT PROFT P: BILL BADALATO AIRPLANE!-style spoof of TOP GUN (a few years late surely?) stars Charlie Sheen, with Cary Elwes, Valeria Golino, Lloyd Bridges, Jon Cryer, Kristy Swanson, Efrem Zimbalst Jr., Kevin Dunn and Ryan Stiles. Not bad, hits almost as often as it misses. Plus Sheen acting serious is always funny, I don’t know why.

HOT SHOTS!: PART DEUX (1993 US) D/W: JIM ABRAHAMS W: PAT PROFT P: BILL BADALATO Sheen, Bridges and Golino return in this even more hit (rarely) and miss spoof of RAMBO 3 (and others). With Miguel Ferrer, Richard Crenna, Brenda Bakke, Martin Sheen, Rowan Atkinson, Mitch Ryan, Ryan Stiles, Bob Villa, James Lew, Gerald Okamura, Clyde Kusatsu and Gregory Sierra.

HOT SKIN AND COLD CASH (1965 US) D/P: BARRY MAHON Undistinguished Mahon featurette (in b/w) about the day in the life of a prostitute who works the streets to pay her ex-con husband’s legal fees. First she fucks his lawyer, next is a frat freshman virgin and finally there’s an NYC orgy. Just over 40 mins.

THE HOT SPOT (1990 US) D: DENNIS HOPPER W: NONA TYSON/CHARLES WILLIAMS P: PAUL LEWIS This neo-noir feel Hopper movie has conman Don Johnson getting a job as a car salesman in Texas, who then starts fucking the boss’ wife (Virginia Madsen). Jennifer Connelly plays the “nice” girl and has a welcome topless scene. It’s based on Charles Williams’ excellent 1952 novel Hell Hath No Fury, if notably different from it. (The novel was republished as The Hot Spot, pulp fiction fans.) Not bad, but way too long at over two hours. With Jack Nance, Charles Martin Smith, Barry Corbin, William Sadler, Virgil Frye, Debra Cole, Leon Rippy and Jerry Hardin.

THE HOT, THE COOL AND THE VICIOUS (naam kuen bak tui chin ming wong; nan quan bei tui zhan yen wang) (1976 HK) D: LEE TSO NAM W: CHANG SENG YI P: GEORGE WANG/HUANG FENG Don Wong is the town marshall and master of the Nothern Leg, who clashes with a corrupt town bigwig after his son accidentally kills an old woman. Tan Tao Liang is the enigmatic stranger in town and master of Southern Fist who’s hired by various parties to off Wong. Top notch kung fu favourite with a few twists really gets going when Tommy Lee (also responsible for the excellent choreography) turns up as a tough villain complete with golden perm and echo voice. Dynamite final duel between the three leads. With Phillip Ko Fei, Lung Feng, Sit Hon and Chui Chung Hei.

HOT TIMES (the adventures of archie; a hard day for archie; sweet sixteen; my erotic fantasies; clinch) (1974 US) D/W: JIM McBRIDE P: LEW MISHKIN William Mishkin was executive producer on this not-very-funny sex comedy that borrows character names from Archie comics (something that might slip some viewers by, not that it’s important). Archie and his friends (who tell racial jokes) talk about girls and fucking and plan to ball away New Year’s Eve. The big joke is that Archie can’t come and gets more and more frustrated when he’s interrupted. His girlfriend Betty abstains for some guru, he gets involved in a hotel room porno shoot but the management busts in before he gets off and he finally picks up a groupie (“I balled the drummer of Spooky Tooth”) in Times Square (where a marquee for THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN can be seen). McBride later made the BREATHLESS remake and GREAT BALLS OF FIRE (about Jerry Lee Lewis) in the 80s. Steve Curry, who was also in McBride’s GLEN AND RANDA, plays Mughead.

HOT WAR (virtual shadow; waan ying dak gung; huan ying te gong) (1998 HK) D: CHENG MA CHU/JINGLE MA P: JACKIE CHAN A couple of virtual reality trained supersoldiers fight terrorists planning to send subliminal messages via tv to induce the public to riot in this badly acted semi-MATRIX rip-off. Jordan Chan and Ekin Cheng star, with Kelly Chan, Terence Yin and Jude Poyer. Jingle Ma is a renowned cinematographer in Hong Kong and maybe he should stick to that.

HOT ZONE See: VENOMOUS

THE HOUGHLAND MURDER CASE See: MURDER BY TELEVISION

THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES (1939 US) D: SIDNEY LANFIELD W: ERNEST PASCAL The original Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce Holmes and Watson film is heavy on b/w atmosphere as the duo charmingly play their way through Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s most famous story involving a possibly demonic canine. With Lionel Atwill, Richard Greene, John Carradine, Wendy Barrie, Mary Gordon, Barlowe Borland, Beryl Mercer, Ralph Forbes, E.E. Clive, Eily Malon, Lionel Pape, Nigel De Brulier, Leonard Carey, Harry Cording, Douglas Gerrard, Ivan F. Simpson and David Thursby. The last line is a surprising nod towards Holmes’ cocaine habit. THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES followed.

THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES (1959 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: PETER BRYAN P: ANTHONY HINDS/KENNETH HYMAN Good but not definitive colour Hammer version has a very well cast Peter Cushing as Holmes and André Morell as Dr. Watson. With Christopher Lee, Miles Malleson, John Le Mesurier and Sam Kydd. VALLEY OF FEAR (1962) was Fisher’s non-Hammer follow up. It’s a shame there was never actually a Cushing-as-Holmes movie series (the closest he got was a tv series in 1968).

THE HOUNDS OF ZAROFF See: THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME

HOURGLASS See: THE HITCHER ‘95

THE HOUR OF VENGEANCE See: WHITE COMANCHE

HOUSE (1986 US) D: STEVE MINER W: ETHAN WILEY/FRED DEKKER P: SEAN S. CUNNINGHAM William Katt is a Vietnam War veteran who moves into a haunted house to work on his war memoirs in this pretty silly and uneventful comedy horror. Richard Moll is the zombie vet who seems to be behind all the ghosts and monsters. With George Wendt as the next door neighbour, Kay Lenz, Michael Ensign, Mindy Sterling and Felix Silla. Miner and Cunningham (who go way back to LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT) are also responsible for the FRIDAY THE 13TH series. There should be some kind of law.

HOUSE 2: THE SECOND STORY (1987 US) D/W: ETHAN WILEY P: SEAN S. CUNNINGHAM Ayre Gross and girlfriend move into a big old house inherited from his relatives. Gross and a friend dig up his 170-year-old great great grandfather (Royal Dano) and a crystal skull that acts as a time portal. Gateways to various time periods open up around the house and people try to steal the skull in this silly comedy fantasy with Chris Walas FX. With John Ratzenberger, Devin Devasquez and Kane Hodder. THE HORROR SHOW was the next, unrelated entry.

HOUSE 3 See: THE HORROR SHOW

HOUSE 4: (HOME DEADLY HOME or THE REPOSSESSION) (goblin 3) (1990 US) D: LEWIS ABERNATHY W: GEOFF MILLER/DEIDRE HIGGENS/JIM WYNORSKI/R.J. ROBERTSON P: SEAN S. CUNNINGHAM/DEBBIE HAYN-CASS After her husband (William Katt from the original) dies in a car crash, Terri Treas and her wheelchair-bound daughter move into his big old family house for renovation. There’s an Indian tomb in the basement, spirits in the house and Treas sees stupid things like a talking pizza. Meanwhile, a fat dwarf with a disgusting bodily fluids problem, tries to get his hands on the property so he can flood it with toxic waste. Dumb and dull. With Kane Hodder, Scott Burkholder, Dabbs Greer and Ned Bellamy.

THE HOUSE AT THE EDGE OF THE PARK See: THE HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK

HOUSEBOAT HORROR (1989 AUSL) D: KENDALL FLANNIGAN D/W/P: OLLIE MARTIN Absolutely terrible shot-on-video slasher flick (in particular, a FRIDAY THE 13TH rip-off) in which a bunch of arseholes shoot a music video (or “rock clip”) on Lake Infinity, taking a couple of houseboats and pissing off the locals. Someone offs them bloodily with a machete (and other weapons, revenge for some past transgression by a tv crew). The acting (except Neighbours veteran Alan Dale as the director!) is horrible, as is the music, hairdos, fashions etc. Awful, just awful. With John Michael Howson and Martin.

THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY (zombie hell house; quella villa accanto al cimitero) (1981 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: DARDANO SACCHETTI/GIORGIO MARIUZZO/ELISA BRINGATI P: FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS One of Fulci’s best has a family moving into a cursed house in Boston. Catriona MacColl is the mother of the strange child who has visions of what happened there before (like in THE SHINING). Despite having lots of gore, violence and tense audience manipulation scenes, it also manages to be lyrical and dreamlike in places. One of the best horror films of its time. With Dagmar Lassander and Fulci.

THE HOUSE BY THE LAKE See: DEATH WEEKEND

HOUSEGEIST See: BOARDING HOUSE

A HOUSE IN THE HILLS (1993 US LUX) D/W/P: KEN WIEDERHORN W: MIGUEL TEJADA-FLORES P: PATRICIA FOULKROD A waitress and struggling actress wannabe (Helen Slater, who has topless scenes) is hired to housesit a big Hollywood home next door to a recent murder site. Michael Madsen gains entry by pretending to be an exterminator and keeps her captive. She thinks he’s the killer but they have sex, fall in love and plot twists occur. With Jeffrey Tambor, Wiederhorn and the voice of John Blyth Barrymore. Wiederhorn’s final film to date is ok, but very stagey and relies too much on those plot twists.

THE HOUSE IS BLACK (khaneh siah ast) (1962 IRAN) D/W: FOROUGH FARROKHZAD P: EBRAHIM GULISTAN Twenty-two mins b/w look at a (real) Iranian leper colony is filled with unforgettable images. We see regular street life, inside a school, a mosque and a music and dance festival. On the soundtrack we hear the lepers’ prayers, and poetry by Farrokhzad (she died in 1967 aged 32). I’m unsure of the “message” and much is obviously staged (including a great, surreal classroom discussion with kids), but this is a one-of-a-kind vision. Farrokhzad also edited. Soleyman Manasian was the cinematographer.

THE HOUSEMAID (hanyo) (1960 S.KOR) D/W: KIM KI-YOUNG A piano and music teacher (Kim Jin-Kyu) and his seamstress wife (Ju Jeung-Ryu) are busy being middle-class and upwardly mobile, renovating a second home and buying all the new material goods (including a tv set). Enter into this already somewhat dysfunctional setting a simpleminded housemaid (Lee Eun-Shim) with her eyes on him. One act of infidelity and a myriad stupid reactions to it fuelled by desperate, stifling adherence to social conventions results in a bizarre, absurdist psychodrama that must have packed quite a punch at the time. Thanks to a restored dvd print remastered by the World Cinema Foundation (thanks Martin Scorsese), modern audiences can now enjoy this unique cult gem (and do double-takes at the fourth-wall-breaking coda). With Um Aing-Ran and Seong Ei-Ahn (later a very famous actor) as the young boy. The great b/w photography is by Kim Deok-Jin. Director Kim (apparently quite the auteur, and here’s hoping more of his works are rereleased soon) more-or-less remade the same story twice (in 1970 and 1982), and 2010 saw an official remake.

THE HOUSEMAID (hanyo) (2010 S.KOR) D/W: LIM SANG-SOO P: JASON CHAE Not so much a remake, as a reinterpretation of Kim Ki-Young’s celebrated 1960 cult favourite, starring Jeon Do-Yeon as the new housemaid for a wealthy couple (Lee Jung-Ae and pregnant Seo Woo) who basically treat her like shit (for more non-spoiler details, see the review of the original, and then be aware that this is in similar territory). The performances (including Yun Yeo-Jong, who was in Kim Ki-Young’s own 1970 retread of HOUSEMAID) are excellent, the erotic set pieces are sexy and Lee Hyung-Deok’s detached, prowling cinematography captures every icy, sociopathic detail. With Park Ji-Yeong and an out-ofleftfield ending and coda guaranteed to catch you off-guard. From the cynical class-war canny director of THE PRESIDENT’S LAST BANG (2005).

HOUSE OF BAMBOO (1955 US) D/W: SAMUEL FULLER W: HARRY KLEINER P: BUDDY ADLER Fuller’s remake of THE STREET WITH NO NAME (1948) was lensed in and around Tokyo. Robert Stack arrives in Japan and tries to run an old-fashioned protection racket. He runs up against and finally joins Robert Ryan’s mob in this excellent, underrated and intelligent thriller that speaks volumes about the postwar occupation of Japan. With Cameron Mitchell as a heavy, Shirley Yamaguchi, Sessue Hayakawa, Harry Carey Jr., DeForest Kelley, John Doucette, Robert Quarry and Fuller in a bit as a policeman.

THE HOUSE OF CLOCKS (la casa del tempo; clock) (1989 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: GIANFRANCO CLERICI/DANIELLE STROPPA An old married couple live in a big house in the middle of nowhere, filled with clocks and watches. Al Cliver is their one-eyed gardener and they kill a maid (with a long, sharp wooden pole) who discovers a couple of bodies rotting in the house. Three shoplifting, pot-smoking petty criminals turn up to rob the place and this tv movie turns into a pretty nonsensical and confusing (but enjoyable and interesting) supernatural horror movie (with some gore). Cats feature prominently. It’s an essential rarity for Fulci completists. With Massimo Sarchielli. An entry in a four-part series on Italian tv called House of Doom. The others were SWEET HOUSE OF HORRORS (also Fulci), and THE HOUSE OF LOST SOULS and HOUSE OF WITCHCRAFT (both by Umberto Lenzi).

HOUSE OF CRAZIES See: ASYLUM

THE HOUSE OF DOOM See: THE BLACK CAT (1934)

HOUSE OF EVIL (1978) See: THE EVIL

HOUSE OF EVIL (1982) See: THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW

HOUSE OF EXORCISM See: LISA AND THE DEVIL

THE HOUSE OF FEAR (1944 US) D/P: ROY WILLIAM NEILL W: ROY CHANSLOR In one of the least interesting b/w adventures in the series, Sherlock Holmes (Basil Rathbone) and Watson (Nigel Bruce) go to a remote Scottish mansion to solve a series of murders. With Dennis Hoey as Lestrade, Gavin Muir, Paul Cavanaugh, Holmes Herbert, Aubrey Mather, Harry Cording, David Clyde, Richard Alexander, Doris Lloyd, David Thursby, Alec Craig, Cyril Delevanti, Leslie Dension, Wilson Benge and Hobart Cavanaugh. The series got back on track with THE WOMAN IN GREEN next.

HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1944 US) D: ERLE C. KENTON W: EDWARD T. LOVE/CURT SIODMAK P: PAUL MALVERN Boris Karloff is a mad scientist who escapes from prison and hijacks George Zucco’s travelling carnival so he can seek out Dr. Frankenstein’s journal with the help of hunchback J. Carrol Naish and wolfman Lon Chaney Jr., in love with gypsy girl Elena Verdugo. John Carradine is Dracula and Glenn Strange is the monster in this star monster-studded but curiously flat and directionless b/w Universal horror favourite. One of those too many cooks/spoilt broth conundrums I think. With Lionel Atwill, Sig Ruman, Frank Reicher, Philip Van Zandt, William Edmunds, Olaf Hytten, George Lynn, Michael Mark, Brandon Hurst, Edmund Cobb, Gino Corrado, Belle Mitchell and Charles Wagenheim. DOOM OF DRACULA was an 8mm excerpt made available for home viewing in 1966. Karloff did not return for the follow up, HOUSE OF DRACULA (1945).

HOUSE OF FRIGHT (1960) See: THE TWO FACES OF DR. JEKYLL

HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES (murder ride show) (2003 US) D/W: ROB ZOMBIE P: ANDY GOULD Teens researching offbeat roadside attractions stop at Sid Haig’s gas station/fried chicken takeaway/ freak show. Haig directs them to a legendary hanging tree and they end up captive at a demented family’s big old house where missing cheerleaders are being tortured and cut up. Zombie (from the B movie influenced band White Zombie) pays homage to many great horror flicks (primarily TEXAS CHAIN SAW) in this loud, expensive and overstylish fanboy movie. All the best ideas are highly derivative and whereas it can be grotesque (it was heavily cut for an R rating), it’s rarely scary. With Chris Hardwick, Rainn Wilson, Karen Black, Michael J. Pollard, Tom Towles and Irwin Keyes. That’s one hell of a good cast to waste. The better THE DEVIL’S REJECTS (2005) followed.

HOUSE OF SHAME See: OLGA’S HOUSE OF SHAME

HOUSE OF TERROR See: KIDNAPPED COED

HOUSE OF TERRORS See: GHOST OF THE HUNCHBACK

HOUSE OF THE BLACK DEATH (blood of the man devil; blood of the man beast) (1965 US) D: HAROLD DANIELS/REGINALD LE BORG (uncredited)/JERRY WARREN (uncredited) W: RICHARD MAHONEY P: WILLIAM WHITE/RICHARD SHOTWELL Doctors Tom Drake and Andrea King arrive in a village to find that Belial De Sade (Lon Chaney Jr. ) leads a coven of witches (including Katherine Victor) who are trying to steal power from and turn villagers against brother Andre De Sade (John Carradine). There’s also a sister and another brother Paul who’s supposed to be a werewolf (his only transformation scene lasts but a few seconds and has him wearing what appears to be a gorilla mask!) that rounds out the cursed family. Chaney has horns on his head (hidden by a hood) and cloven feet (mentioned, not seen) and is eventually turned into a skull! Some women in bikinis and see-through negligees do sexy dances in front of him on a graveyard set (just like a tamer ORGY OF THE DEAD, from the same year)! He and Carradine don’t have any scenes together, and both ended up in Al Adamson movies. Jerry Warren filmed extra scenes with Victor for this talky b/w mess. With Sabrina. Apparently, it’s based on Lora Crozatti’s novel The Widderburn Horror.

HOUSE OF THE DAMNED (1962 US) D/P: MAURY DEXTER W: HARRY SPALDING Lawyer Richard Crane hires an architect couple to go to take a look at an abandoned, fully furnished California villa new on the market. He later joins them with his woman. Things go missing and move around by themselves, and they find an old corpse in a bed. Crane’s girl is kidnapped by big, lurking Richard Kiel. This ok but very slow-moving b/w mystery eventually reveals circus freaks (!) living secretly in the basement, trying to scare them off. They are led by a fat woman (Ayllene Gibbons, later used most effectively in THE LOVED ONE), and include legless half-man John Gilmore (part of Sun Ra’s Arkestra!). It runs 63 mins, and also includes a headless woman illusion. Dexter and Spalding’s even more minimal THE DAY MARS INVADED EARTH was from around the same time.

HOUSE OF THE DEAD (2003 CAN US GERM) D/P: UWE BOLL W: MARK A. ALTMAN/DAVID PARKER P: SHAWN WILLIAMSON/WOLFGANG HEROLD This hit horror movie based on a video game was filmed in British Columbia for a major release by a German director who helmed several low-budget Michael Pare vehicles (including SANCTIMONY). Teens pay skipper Jürgen Prochnow a great deal of money to sail them over to an island rave. But the partygoers are all attacked by zombies “just like out of a fucking Romero movie”. They end up fighting armies of the undead with heavy artillery, while insert shots of video game action remind us of its influence (as if we could forget). A pumping techno soundtrack and lots of 360 degree camera turns try to stop you from getting bored. Clint Howard has his usual typical oddball role, some guy pukes on a blonde airhead’s chest for comic relief, a b/w flashback fills in some backstory and a guy trapped in an overturned portatoilet will bring back fond (!?) festival memories for some. With Tyron Letso, Ona Graver, Will Sanderson, Enuka Okuma and Jay Brazeau. It’s not good, but the major (internet-fuelled) backlash against it was unnecessary, given equally bad and worse titles out there. There was a direct-to-tv sequel in 2005.

HOUSE OF TRAPS (ching siu lau; chong xiao lau) (1982 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: MONA FONG This minor Chang Cheh/”venoms” outing bodes well considering it revolves around a booby trapped chamber that must be traversed. But there is in fact less action than usual and the (underused) traps are portrayed unimaginatively. A shame really considering the cast, crew and subject matter. This could have a been a kung fu classic. With Chin Siu Ho, Lung Tien Hsiang, Phillip Kwok, Chiang Sheng, Sun Chien, Wong Lik, Ricky Cheng Tien Chi and Lu Feng.

THE HOUSE OF UNCLAIMED GIRLS See: SCHOOL FOR UNCLAIMED GIRLS

HOUSE OF USHER (1960) See: THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER (1960)

HOUSE OF WAX (1953 US) D: ANDRÉ DE TOTH W: CRANE WILBUR/CHARLES BELDEN P: BRYAN FOY Vincent Price launched his career as a hammy madartist type in this great colour 3D remake of MYSTERY OF THE WAX MUSEUM. He plays a talented wax sculptor horribly burned in a fire. Thought to be dead, the scarred maniac returns (in a latex mask disguise of his old features), kills, and then steals the bodies from morgues. They end up covered in wax at his new chamber of horrors exhibition. Good fun, with radio star Frank Lovejoy, future Morticia Adams Carolyn Jones, Charles Bronson (Buchinsky) as the mute servant Igor, Paul Picerni, Roy Roberts, Paul Cavanagh, Dabbs Greer, Oliver Blake, Frank Ferguson, Jack Kenney, Lyle Latell, Jack Mower, Grandon Rhodes and Ruth Warren. HOUSE OF WAX (2005) was a much worse remake.

HOUSE OF WHIPCORD (1974 UK) D/W/P: PETE WALKER W: DAVID McGILLIVRAY Sheila Keith (also in Walker’s FRIGHTMARE) is the warden for an elderly ex-judge and his wife’s secret prison in the country where “loose” women are incarcerated and tortured with puritanical glee. Anne Michelle is the star victim. Walker and McGillivray’s satirical Sadean horror has nice touches and is, of course, a wonderful (and terribly English) concept, but is unfortunately more fun to read about than to actually watch. With Patrick Barr, Celia Imrie, and McGillivray and Walker in acting turns.

THE HOUSE OF WITCHCRAFT (la casa del sortileigo) (1989 ITL) D/W: UMBERTO LENZI W: GIANFRANCO CLERICI/DANIELE STROPPA In 1989, four haunted house movies were made as part of a series for Italian tv. Two were by Lucio Fulci (HOUSE OF CLOCKS and THE SWEET HOUSE OF HORRORS), while the other two were by Lenzi (HOUSE OF LOST SOULS, and this). A stressed guy with a recurring nightmare is taken by his crazy-seeming wife to a remote old house owned by a blind pianist (Paul Muller). He thinks he sees dead bodies, a black cat and a witch. A nice blonde woman is the only one who believes him. This extremely boring and cheaplooking movie makes little or no sense.

THE HOUSE OF YES (1997 US) D/W: MARK WATERS P: BEAU HYNN/STEFAN SINCHOWITZ Based on Wendy McLeod’s stage play, this is an interesting five character drama. Josh Hamilton returns to his family home in Washington for Thanksgiving dinner with new fiancée Tori Spelling. Parker Posey is the psychotic sister with whom he had an incestuous relationship with. Genevieve Bujold is the mother and Freddie Prinze Jr. is the brother. The interesting (if a little pretentious) plot revolves around an obsession with the Kennedy assassination. Worth a look.

THE HOUSE ON BARE MOUNTAIN (night on bare mountain) (1962 US) D: LEE FROST D/P: WES BAILEY W: DENVER SCOTT P: BOB CRESSE Here’s an early and entertaining nudie horror comedy. Cresse in drag is funny as the old Granny Good who imitates Jonathan Winters while running a school for girls (and narrating). It’s in colour, and the makeup is by Harry Thomas. A wolf man, Dracula and the Frankenstein monster spike punch at a costume party with alcohol and there’s plenty of good-looking naked women. It’s one of Frank Henenlotter’s Sexy Shockers. Frost and Cresse are most famous for LOVE CAMP 7.

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1959 US) D/P: WILLIAM CASTLE W: ROBB WHITE Great cartoonish b/w horror is one of Castle’s best. Vincent Price stars as the host who receives guests (including Elisha Cook Jr.) at a former mental asylum/mansion and offers a cash reward for those who can last until morning. He arms them with pistols that come in little coffin cases. As fun as this is to catch on latenight tv, I can’t help but be envious of those who saw it in first-run theatres with the “Emergo” gimmick (a plastic skeleton on wires that flew out over the audience at key moments). Leona Anderson has been described as the most excruciatingly painful singer you could ever listen to (try to find a copy of her unbelievable Rats In My Room), and she has a part here.

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1999 US) D: WILLIAM MALONE W: DICK BEEBE/ROBB WHITE P: GILBERT ADLER/ROBERT ZEMECKIS/JOEL SILVER Not content with ruining THE HAUNTING, Hollywood also badly remade the 1958 William Castle favourite. Geoffrey Rush (as a character called Price with a pencil-thin moustache) is a rollercoaster designer and Famke Janssen is his wife who wants her birthday party at the haunted old mental asylum where a mad doctor (Jeffrey Combs) once conducted human experiments. The guests are Taye Diggs, Peter Gallagher, Bridgette Wilson, Ai Larter and Max Perlich. There are some nice freaky ideas toward the beginning, but the ineffective overkill FX soon take over. The original may not have been scary, but at least it was fun. This tries too hard to be macabre and the modern characters really suck. With singer Lisa Loeb, Chris Kattan, Beebe, James Marsters, Janet Tracy Keijser and Peter Graves as himself (hosting a programme on tv). The dvd includes deleted scenes with Debi Mazar.

THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW (house of evil) (1982 US) D/W/P: MARK ROSMAN P: JOHN G. CLARK Teens at a sorority house pull a mean prank on their House Mother which goes fatally wrong. Someone kills them off with a spiked walking cane in this pretty run-of-the-mill slasher quickie, which does have one good. shocking severed-head-in-a-toilet scene. Superior to the lousy remake SORORITY ROW.

THE HOUSE ON STRAW HILL See: EXPOSÉ

THE HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK (la casa sperduta nel parco) (1979 ITL) D: “ROGER D. FRANKLIN” (RUGGERO DEODATO) W: GIANFRANCO CLERICI/ VINCENZO MANNINI P: FRANCO DI NUNZIO/ FRANCO PALAGGI The director of the notorious CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST also made this. David Hess and John Morghen (what a pair!) are mechanics who hitch a ride to a rich kids’ party. Once there the other guests make fun of them, so they terrorise the snobs in a sick “class war” that involves rape, murder, castration, gore and pissing. More than just a mindless shock value exploitation film (although it works like that, too), it’s ruined by a wishy-washy ending that tries to have it both ways. But still, a must-see rollercoaster ride for “video nasty” junkies.

THE HOUSE THAT DRIPPED BLOOD (1970 UK) D: PETER DUFFELL W: ROBERT BLOCH/RUSS JONES (uncredited) P: MAX J. ROSENBERG/MILTON SUBOTSKY The disappearance of a film star brings a Scotland Yard detective inspector (John Bennett) to the titular house for the framing scenes of this Amicus anthology. The stories are: Denholm Elliott as a writer of horror fiction who believes his recent creation, a strangler has come to life. Retired stockbroker Peter Cushing mourns a (dead?) woman; he discovers a wax head spitting image in a Museum of Horrors. Joss Ackland is also smitten in this odd tale. Christopher Lee’s little girl gets a home teacher (Nyree Dawn Porter) who discovers that something witchy is afoot. And Jon Pertwee (Doctor Who at the time) is the aforementioned missing thespian (based on Vincent Price; there is even a nod to his notorious on-set conversation with Michael Reeves), whose vampire cape proves too authentic. With Robert Lang, Geoffrey Bayldon, Carleton Hobbs, Jonathan Lynn and Joanna Lumley in the background. Pretty silly really, but somewhat endearing and mostly a fun watch. Bloch had already provided stories for the previous TORTURE GARDEN. ASYLUM was the next Amicus anthology.

THE HOUSE WHERE EVIL DWELLS (ghost in kyoto) (1982 US JPN) D: KEVIN CONNOR W: ROBERT A. SUHOSKY P: MARTIN B. COHEN Edward Albert, Susan George and their young daughter move to Kyoto, Japan, so he can conduct research for his book. Ghosts of murdered samurais and a geisha possess the couple and act out a 19th century love triangle (family friend Doug McClure is the third wheel). Awful, pathetic waste of space has hokey FX depicting a decapitated head and a big crab. Based on James Hardiman’s novel.

THE HOUSE WITH LAUGHING WINDOWS (la casa dalle finestre che ridono) (1976 ITL) D/W: PUPI AVATI W/P: ANTONIO AVATI W: GIANNI CAVINA/ MAURIZIO COSTANZO P: GIANNI MINERVINI An art restorer arrives in a small village to help save an old fresco made by a notorious long-dead perverted maniac. The dwarf mayor encourages him, but others seem to be trying to keep dark secrets buried. Many find Avati’s ambiguous and extremely low-key horror to be a neglected masterpiece, but I have to admit that it stretched my patience and never made me feel as uneasy or disturbed as some viewers seem to be. Who knows, it could be for you.

HOWARD: A NEW BREED OF HERO See: HOWARD THE DUCK

HOWARD THE DUCK (howard: a new breed of hero) (1986 US) D/W: WILLARD HYUCK W/P: GLORIA KATZ In this much hated flop superhero spoof based on Steve Gerber’s comic books, Howard (at least eight different dwarves in a duck suit) is accidentally beamed from his parallel duck universe to Earth (LA pretending to be Cleveland) where he befriends Cherry Bomb lead singer Lea Thompson (with unfortunate 80s hair). Jeffrey Jones is fun when possessed by the Dark Overlord, shooting fireballs from his eyes. Tim Robbins co-stars as an idiot inventor, there is a cool scorpion monster and Howard uses Quack-Fu. So you see it ain’t that bad if you have low expectations. With John Fleck, Paul Guilfoyle, Richard Edson, Miguel Sandoval, David Paymer and Richard Kiley. George Lucas was the executive producer.

HOW DO YOU DO (1946 US) This mind-bogglingly picky 13 mins b/w short attempts to sort out all that confusion about introductions once and for all. Have fun trying to remember all this info, and how to pronounce “How do you do?” with the correct emphasis markers.

THE HOWLING (1980 US CAN) D: JOE DANTE W: JOHN SAYLES/TERENCE H. WINKLESS P: MICHAEL FINNELL/JACK CONRAD/STEVEN A. LANE TV newscaster Dee Wallace Stone has a traumatic experience while tracking a possible sex criminal and goes with her husband Tom Atkins to a country retreat to recover. Turns out that the doctor (Patrick Macnee) and his patients are actually a coven of modern-day werewolves. Based on Gary Brandner’s novels (as is the whole series), this fanboy update complete with clips from THE WOLF MAN and genre regular cameos (including John Carradine and Dick Miller) is not actually very good once you take away all the references. With Kevin McCarthy, Forrest J. Ackerman, Slim Pickens, Roger Corman, Kenneth Tobey, Robert Picardo, Noble Willingham and John Sayles. David Allen’s stop-motion werewolves were cut out, but Rick Baker’s admittedly good transformation FX remain. It’s preferable to any of the sequels, though.

HOWLING 2: STIRBA, WEREWOLF BITCH (howling 2: your sister is a werewolf) (1984 US UK FRA ITL CZE) D: PHILLIPE MORA W: ROBERT SARNO/GARY BRANDNER P: STEVEN A. LANE This awful sequel stars Christopher Lee as an occultist investigating his sister’s death. The mix of sex and horror is stupid and unappealing. Sybil Danning co-stars. With Ferdinand Mayne and Jimmy Nail. Filmed in Czechoslovakia, and Steve Johnson provided FX.

HOWLING 3: THE MARSUPIALS (1987 AUSL) D/W/P: PHILIPPE MORA P: CHARLES WATERSTREET A female werewolf runs away from her small commune in the outback to Sydney. She gets a job acting in a horror movie while other werewolves disguised as nuns come after her. Meanwhile scientists debate the existence of such creatures. This silly entry (with bad wolf FX by Steve Johnson) is better than the previous one, but that’s not saying much. With Barry Humphries as Dame Edna and Michael Pate. The ending is ridiculous.

HOWLING 4: THE ORIGINAL NIGHTMARE (1988 S.AFR UK) D: JOHN HOUGH W: CLIVE TURNER/FREDDIE ROWLES P: HARRY ALAN TOWERS A bestselling novelist is on vacation at a cottage in the Californian countryside. She has visions of the couple who lived there before and who may have been killed by werewolves. This talky, awful sequel is bound to induce sleep. Steve Johnson provided FX again, not that you get to see much of them.

HOWLING 5: THE REBIRTH (1989 HUN UK) D: NEIL SUNDSTROM W/P: CLIVE TURNER W: FREDDIE ROSE Eight people with the same birthmark are summoned to a castle in Budapest. One of them is a werewolf in this dull BEAST MUST DIE copy. With Jozsef Madaras.

HOWLING 6: THE FREAKS (1991 US UK) D: HOPE PERELLO W: KEVIN ROCK P: ROBERT PRINGLE I’d like to be able to tell you that this ambitious and potentially interesting entry that tries to tell a very different story is good and worth seeing, but I’m afraid it just ain’t so. A drifter werewolf stays with a small-town preacher, Bruce Payne is the travelling freak show owner villain (and vampire). With Antonio Fargas (!) as a geek (inspired casting, that’s gotta be worth something), Carol Lynley and Steve Johnson FX. HOWLING: NEW MOON RISING (1995) followed, and then THE HOWLING: REBORN (2011).

HOWLING NIGHTMARE See: CREEPTALES

HOWLING 2000 See: SIEBEN MONDE

HOW’S YOUR NEWS? (2001 US) D/P: ARTHUR BRADFORD P: DOUG STONE Here’s a documentary that some regard as a joyous and free-spirited affirmation of life and good will, and others see as pure exploitation. A bunch of mentally retarded adults assemble a “news crew” and are driven across America in an RV where they stop off in various states to interview folks about whatever they like. One soap opera-obsessed guy idolises Chad Everrett (we see them meet in a deleted scene extra) and does a whole string of celebrity impersonations that sound exactly the same. Another guy in a wheelchair who can’t talk or control his spasms simply holds a microphone and convulses when someone is curious enough to approach him. But my favourite is Robert Bird. Afflicted with Down Syndrome, he can talk but doesn’t say anything intelligible. The look on the faces of bewildered passers-by as he asks them utterly incomprehensible questions is priceless. I think executive producers Trey Parker and Matt Stone copied his speech patterns for SOUTH PARK’s Timmy.

HOW TO GET AHEAD IN ADVERTISING (1987 UK) D/W: BRUCE ROBINSON P: DAVID WIMBURY Uneven but sometimes insightful, funny and surreal follow up to WITHNAIL AND I has Richard E. Grant as an ad executive with an extra head growing out of his shoulder MANSTER-style. Worth a look if you don’t expect too much. With Rachel Ward, Richard Wilson, Terry Jones, Pip Torrens, Tony Slattery and Sean Bean.

HOW TO MAKE A DOLL (1968 US) D/W/P: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS W: BERT RAY If I had an ounce of sense then I wouldn’t be recommending this one. But I can’t help loving this very cheap and very silly H.G. Lewis comedy. Robert Woods stars as a university professor who’s a genius, but can’t get a handle on the opposite sex. So he and another scientist create a machine that makes sexy, bikiniwearing “love robots” to pleasure them. Things get a little off-track after that and it all seems very rushed. But there’s enough silly sound FX and goofy cheerfulness to make it highly enjoyable. Louise Downe was the assistant director, J.G. Patterson is credited as the assistant to the producer and Brad Grinter’s in it. And where can I buy a copy of David Chudnow’s soundtrack?

HOW TO MAKE A MONSTER (1958 US) D: HERBERT L. STROCK W: “KENNETH LANGTRY” (ABEN KANDELL) W/P: HERMAN COHEN This ahead-of-its time b/w oddity from AIP has a makeup artist who’s working on a sequel to the pictures I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF and I WAS A TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN discovering that his workshop is being closed down as a result of a studio takeover. He drugs the actors in said monster makeup (a Novocaine mix), and hypnotises them to think they really are monsters. He orders them to kill his enemies on the American International lot! Of course being a precursor to films like WES CRAVEN’S NEW NIGHTMARE and the SCREAM series doesn’t necessarily make it a good film, and it’s not (it’s pretty boring). The final reel is in colour, and offers a glimpse at some Paul Blaisdell monster masks. With John Ashley (who sings a song), Robert Shayne, Morris Ankrum, Gary Conway, Paul Brinegar, Walter Reed, Thomas Browne Henry, Cohen and Frank Richards. There was a remake-in-nameonly in 2001.

HOW TO MAKE A MONSTER (2001 US) D/W: GEORGE HUANG P: LOU ARKOFF/STAN WINSTON/ COLLEEN CAMP Here’s one of five Creature Features made for HBO that reused the titles (only) of AIP hits of the 50s. Colleen Camp’s video game company hires three arrogant weirdo whizkids under the management of Steven Culp to come up with a scary monster for their current release. They use a topless Julie Strain (playing herself) as the model for their heroine and put her in a robotic suit. An artificial intelligence chip results in the computer controlling the suit, which walks around killing off the characters one-by-one (and using the bodies to assemble itself). Clea DuVall is the nice, put-upon intern who has to fight it. Pretty dumb stuff, with unconvincing VR game/reality switches and a cynical “don’t be nice” message. With Tyler Mane and Danny Masterson turns up very briefly in a pointless role.

HOW TO MEET THE LUCKY STARS (wan choi ng fook sing; yun cai wu fu xing) (1996 HK) D: FRANKIE CHAN W: LEE MIU KING/LEE BING GWONG/LEE CHI WAI P: HSU LI HWA The last in a loose series that got progressively less action-orientated since the original WINNERS AND SINNERS. It’s a passable, silly comedy that spoofs gambling movies (like the hit GOD OF GAMBLERS series). With Stanley Fung, executive producer Eric Tsang, Richard Ng, Sammo Hung, Miu Kiu Wai, Francoise Yip, Diana Pang Dan, Chen Kuan Tai, Nat Chan Pak Cheung, Cheng Pei Pei, Ho Pak Kwong, Nora Miao, Lung Fong, Mars, Walter Tso Tat-Wah, Yuen Cheung Yan, Tai Bo, Shing Fui On, Kingdom Yuen, Teddy Yip and Johnny Cheung Wa. Apparently it was a benefit film to raise money for Wu Ma (who’s not in it, I think).

HOW TO SAY NO: MORAL MATURITY (1951 US) The problem up for discussion in this 10 mins b/w classroom film from Coronet (“what do you think?”) is how to politely refuse tempting teen vices (alcohol, cigarettes and heavy petting) without causing a fuss or appearing like a “drip”. An enjoyable addition to the dated genre for collectors.

HOW TO STEAL THE CROWN OF ENGLAND See: THE INCREDIBLE PARIS INCIDENT

HOW TO UNDRESS IN FRONT OF YOUR HUSBAND (1937 US) D/P: DWAIN ESPER Silly short b/w subject from Esper opens with a “candid camera addict” spying on sunbathing women with his camera. The narrator then marvels at how Elaine Barrie (John Barrymore’s wife) gracefully undresses for bed and recommends these techniques to the women in the audience, just in case a photographer is watching. With Trixie Friganza.

HUDSON HAWK (1991 US) D: MICHAEL LEHMAN W: STEVEN E. DE SOUZA/DANIEL WATERS/BRUCE WILLIS/ROBERT KRAFT P: JOEL SILVER Bruce Willis is a New York cat burglar who’s blackmailed by Richard E. Grant and the annoying Sandra Bernhard to steal priceless Da Vinci artefacts from the Vatican. They contain the parts of a special alchemy machine that turns water to gold. This comedy adventure (which is also a partial musical) lost money at the box office and was trashed by critics. It has groan inducing smart-arse comedy, but isn’t that bad. With Danny Aiello, Andie McDowell, James Coburn, David Caruso, Frank Stallone, Lisa Matthews and narration from William Conrad. Coburn briefly does some of his bad IN LIKE FLINT martial arts.

THE HUDSUCKER PROXY (1994 US GER UK) D/W/P: JOEL AND ETHAN COEN W: SAM RAIMI Tim Robbins is a naïve small-town guy who arrives in New York City and is unwittingly chosen to become president of the Hudsucker Industries megacorporation (circa late-50s) as part of a complicated scheme devised by bad guy businessman Paul Newman. He invents the hula hoop. Jennifer Jason Leigh does a manic Katherine Hepburn/Rosalind Russell amalgamation as love interest journalist Amy Archer. Bill Cobbs is the clock-keeper looming over the events. This homage to screwball comedies of the 40s and 50s is as near to a perfect film as you can get I think. Why it wasn’t smothered in awards and nominations is beyond me. See it today. With Bruce Campbell, Charles Durning, John Mahoney, Joe Grifasi, Peter Gallagher, Noble Willingham, Steve Buscemi, Anna Nicole Smith, Raimi, Jon Polito, Joanne Pankow, Mike Starr, Richard Schiff, Mark Jeffrey Miller and the voice of John Goodman.

HUGO (2011 US) D/P: MARTIN SCORSESE W: JOHN LOGAN P: GRAHAM KING/TIM HEADINGTON/JOHNNY DEPP Asa Butterfield is a young boy who lives secretly in the walls and serpentine backways of the Parisian Gare Montparnasse train station, making sure the clocks run on time. In order to restore an automaton left to him by his dead father (Jude Law, not much in it in flashbacks), he steals parts from Ben Kingsley’s toy stall. I won’t give any more away, but this lavish adaptation of Brian Selznick’s kids’ book The Invention Of Hugo Cabret may be somewhat uneven and flabby in places, but I did get quite swept away in its love for early cinema (in particular the films of Georges Méliès), and it would be a good place to start younger audiences on the path of appreciating the finer things. With Sacha Baron Cohen as an Inspector Clouseau-like mean, Dickensian station inspector with a mechanical leg brace, Chloe Grace Moretz (LET ME IN), Ray Winstone (briefly), Emily Mortimer, Christopher Lee, Frances De La Tour, Richard Griffiths (a largely thankless role), Helen McRory, Michael Stuhlbarg, Kevin Eldon and (maybe, somewhere) my mate Robin Bazalgette (THE LAST COCKNEY) as an extra. Someone plays guitarist Django Reinhardt, and clips include the classic A TRIP TO THE MOON and Harold Lloyd in SAFETY LAST (1923). Originally 3D in theatres. Logan also wrote Scorsese’s underrated Howard Hughes biopic THE AVIATOR (2004).

HULK (2003 US) D: ANG LEE W/P: JAMES SCHAMUS W: JOHN TURMAN/MICHAEL FRANCE P: AVI ARAD/LARRY J. FRANCO/GALE ANNE HURD No one much liked this expensive summer blockbuster based on a Marvel Comics character made in the wake of the hits X-MEN, SPIDERMAN and DAREDEVIL. Arthouse types who praised Lee’s CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON turned their noses up and there was no comic relief and not enough action for the multiplexes. In time I hope more people will appreciate it for the ultra-serious, no-nonsense Greek tragedy of fantasy cinema that it is. Eric Bana (CHOPPER) is Bruce Banner, a scientist who doesn’t know what experimental drug his father (Nick Nolte in a great, all-out performance) injected into him as a child. Jennifer Connelly is equally good in a performance that is refreshingly more than just a prettyfe-male-in-distress role. The KNB and ILM FX and visuals are amazing, but I guess they pushed it too far for some people. With Sam Elliott, Josh Lucas, Mike Erwin, Daniel Dae Kim, and look for Lou Ferrigno and executive producer Stan Lee as security guards. THE INCREDIBLE HULK (2008) was a reboot that seemed to please fans and do better business, but was more straightforward and less interesting.

HUMAN BEASTS (the beasts’ carnival; el carnaval de las bestias; bestias humanas; zangiaku! kyouen no yakkatta) (1980 SPN JPN) D/W/P: “PAUL NASCHY” (JACINTO MOLINA) W: ANGELA CRISTOBAL After the box office failure of THE CRAVING, Naschy sought Japanese funding for his features. This was the first such co-production. He’s an ex-mercenary thief who double-crosses lover Eiko Nagashima and her brother after a diamond heist in Japan. They track him to Spain for revenge where he’s holed up in the ruins of a castle. He shoots anyone who comes near with a machine-gun. After a gunfight, the wounded Naschy is cared for by a kindly but sinister old man and his two beautiful daughters. Nagashima hires someone to spy on Naschy but the rest of the film is more concerned with murder, cannibalism and (in the best part) a man eaten alive by pigs. It’s pretty slow-going. With Lautaro Murua, Luis Ciges, Tito Garcia. Rafel Hernandez and Ricardo Palacios. The other Japanese Naschy vehicle was THE BEAST WITH THE MAGIC SWORD.

HUMAN BOMB (die menschliche bombe) (1996 UK GER) D: ANTHONY PAGE W: LIONEL CHETWYND P: MATTHEW BIRD Patsy Kensit stars as a single mom in Germany starting her new job as a primary school teacher for international rich kids. A masked man wired to explosives takes her class hostage in this minimally engaging time-waster “inspired by a true story”. Jürgen Prochnow (also in SKIPPER: BLOODY ATLANTIC with Kensit) is a detective on the case.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE) (2009 NETH) D/W/P: TOM SIX P: ILONA SIX Two American women on vacation in Germany get lost in the woods after their car breaks down, and happen upon the house of a crazed surgeon (the gaunt Dieter Laser, a kind of Christopher Walken/Udo Kier hybrid). He drugs them, and they end up part of his plans to create a siamese triplet, or Human Centipede. Along with a Japanese guy, they are strung together with mouths sewn into the proceeding person’s anus. One long digestive tract runs through them (the guy in front shits in the mouth of the person behind, and so on). It seems more like a fetish porno than a horror movie, and is a one-idea short padded out to feature-length running time. Not that bad, and not really that shocking either, it’s just kind of weird, watchable, and then you’ll forget about it. Laser makes it, though, without him it would be much more boring. It plays out in English, German and Japanese. A b/w sequel tried to up the ante in 2010, but it was more hollow shock tactics.

THE HUMAN DUPLICATORS (jaws of the alien; space agent k1; agente spaziale k1) (1965 US ITL) D/P: HUGO GRIMALDI W/P: ARTHUR C. PIERCE Three colour-coded figures on viewing screens order tall alien Richard Kiel to beam down to Earth and infiltrate a scientist’s (George Macready) android experimentations. These robot clones are then used to try to steal government secrets in a not very well thought out plan to take over the world. The cloning equipment is basically barbershop hair-dryer chairs. Not much action, but Kiel fans will dig his early starring role with lots of dialogue, and it’s your only chance to check out Tura Satana’s sister Kim. George Nader is the hero. With Hugh Beaumont, Barbara Nichols, Richard Arden and John Indrisano.

HUMAN EXPERIMENTS See: DEAD KIDS

HUMAN GORILLA (behind locked doors) (1948 US) D: “OSCAR” (BUDD) BOETTICHER W/P: EUGENE LING W: MALVIN WALD Private detective Richard Carlson pretends to be mentally impaired so he can be committed to a private asylum and investigate criminal activity going on there. It’s not bad if you don’t expect SHOCK CORRIDOR. When Carlson’s true identity is discovered, they put him in a cell with violent crazed wrestler Tor Johnson! With Lucille Bremer, Douglas Fowley, Thomas Browne Henry, Ralf Harolde, Herbert Heyes, Trevor Bardette, Dickie Moore, John Holland, Kathleen Freeman and Wally Vernon. In b/w and just over an hour long. Director Boetticher is known for his westerns.

HUMAN HIGHWAY (1982 US) D/W: “BERNARD SHAKEY” (NEIL YOUNG)/DEAN STOCKWELL W: RUSS TAMBLYN/JEANNE FIELD/JAMES BESHEARS P: L.A. JOHNSON Young and Tamblyn play a couple of goofy mechanics who work next to a diner, the only building in sight, except for a huge nuclear reactor (the surreal desert setting uses deliberately fake-looking miniature work). Devo work around the reactor, wear red contamination suits and glow while transporting drums of waste (they sing It Takes A Worried Man, this was also a music video). Dennis Hopper is the cook at the diner, Sally Kirkland and Charlotte Lewis are waitresses. Stockwell is the greedy new garage/diner boss willing to sell-out to a stereotyped rich Sheik. Young dreams of being rockstar Frank Fontaine (who turns up), and plays a blistering jam on Hey Hey, My My with Devo (Booji Boy aka Mark Mothersbaugh sits in a cradle with a synth and microphone). It all ends with a meltdown, and everyone going to Heaven (Stockwell is God). Largely plotless and utterly pretentious, this actually gets away with it because it’s very entertaining, funny, filled with people you like and the music is good. Probably for the best that “Human Highway II” never happened though. Several of the cast play dual and triple roles. Skeeter Davis’ The End Of The World is heard.

HUMAN LANTERNS (human skin lanterns; yan pei dang lung; ren pi deng long) (1982 HK) D/W: SUEN CHUNG W: I. KUANG P: MONA FONG When rival lantern makers Lau Wing and Chen Kuan Tai have to compete against each other in a town contest, the weird hermit Lo Lieh is hired to make lanterns out of young girls’ skin. Don’t expect another BLACK MAGIC (Tanny’s here too) because this tepid horror has very little chills or gore (which is unconvincing anyway), a little swordplay and too much talk. With Sun Chien, Lo Meng as a hired killer and Siu Yam Yam. It was remade as ALL NEW HUMAN SKIN LANTERNS (1993). Director Chung is an exploitation all-rounder who’s helmed other horrors and things as diverse as THE AVENGING EAGLE, CITY WAR (1988) and ANGEL HUNTER (1992).

HUMAN MEAT PIES See: THE BUN MAN

THE HUMAN MONSTER See: THE DARK EYES OF LONDON

THE HUMANOID (l’umanoide) (1979 ITL) D/W: “GEORGE B. LEWIS” (ALDO LADO) D: ENZO GIROLAMI (uncredited)/ANTONIO MARGHERITI W: ADRIANO BOLZONI P: GEORGIO VENTURINI An evil ruler is busy testing a bomb that turns people into killer mutants on a distant planet in this cheap Euro STAR WARS cash-in. Richard Kiel is a nice guy (with a robot dog) who becomes the victim of such an explosion that turns him into a formidable killer lug (it also gives him a beard). Corinne Clery is the heroine who befriends Kiel (she’d appeared with him in MOONRAKER) and makes him fight for the good guys. Scenes of him swinging baddies around before tossing them are hilarious. A scene of a topless woman being tortured may be excised from some prints. With Arthur Kennedy, Ivan Rassimov, Barbara Bach (who had been in THE SPY WHO LOVED ME with Kiel), Massimo Serato, Venantino Venantini and a score from Ennio Morricone. I’d rather watch this silly fun again any day than the self-important STAR WARS movies.

HUMANOID HAKAIDER See: MECHANICAL VIOLATOR: HAKAIDER

HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (1980 US) D: BARBARA PEETERS/JIMMY T. MURAKAMI W: FREDERICK JAMES/FRANK ARNOLD W/P: MARTIN B. COHEN P: ROGER CORMAN (uncredited) This first-class exploitation movie has mutant BLACK LAGOON-style gill-men emerging from the sea in a small coastal fishing village. Surprisingly graphic scenes of them raping local women on the beach were apparently added afterwards by Murakami on request from Corman (Peeters claimed ignorance). Doug McClure and Vic Morrow are the stars, with Hoke Howell and Rob Bottin in cool monster suits. It was remade.

HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (d.n.a. 5) (1996 US) D/W: SCOTT YONIS P: MICHAEL AMATO Here’s another one of those useless Roger Corman remakes that debuted on Showtime. Robert Carradine’s docklands company dumps toxic waste into the sea against his wishes. His teen daughter hangs out with an environmental protestor (Justin Walker) who’s out to catch the culprits on film. Scientist Emma Samms spouts nonsense about test subjects injected with salmon DNA (?). The result is scaly monster suit monsters that cocoon women in an underwater cave to bear their children. Unlike the shocking original, we don’t see gill-men raping topless women, so there’s no reason to watch it. Clint Howard is amusing as the Sheriff. With Bert Remsen, Season Hubley, Mark Rolston, Harrison Young and Robert Peters.

HUMANOID WOMAN (to the stars by hard ways; per aspera ad astra; cherez terniik zvyozdam) (1981 SVU) D/W: RICHARD VIKTOROV W: KIR BULICHEV P: SANDY FRANK (US VERSION) Real-life model Yelena Metyolkina stars as the title character, a human-looking alien found aboard a spacecraft with a dead crew. On Earth she attempts to live with a scientist’s family (and their robot maid). This very serious science fiction character study is well-meaning and well made on a low budget, but is pretty boring if truth be told. Bulichev is a respected Russian sci-fi author. With Vastalav Dvorzhetsky, Aleksandr Lazarev, Aleksandr Mikhajilov, Boris Sceherbakov, Igor Yasulovich and Aleksei Vanin.

HUMAN TARGET: BLOODFIST 5 (1993 US) D/W: JEFF YONIS W: ROB KERCHNER P: MIKE ELLIOTT Don “The Dragon” Wilson wakes up from a gunshot wound to the head in hospital with no memory of who he is. Some Chinese gangsters want to kill him and he tries to find out who he is. You’ll have fallen asleep way before the lame plot twists in this, yet another boring kick-boxing/action movie from New Horizons (Corman was the executive producer). With Steve James, Art Camacho, Yuji Okumoto, Don Stark and Ron Yuan. One of seven BLOODFISTs.

HUMAN TIMEBOMB (countdown; live wire: human timebomb) (1995 US) D: MARK ROPER W: JEFF ALBERT P: DANNY LERNER Bryan Genesee is pretty annoying as an FBI agent who’s kidnapped by Cuban criminal militants and reprogrammed (with the use of electronic steroids) as a killing machine. This dull action movie has many senseless explosions and bad attempts at Hong Kong-style slowmotion shoot-outs. With Joe Lara and Gideon Emery.

THE HUMAN TORNADO (dolemite 2) (1976 US) D: CLIFF ROQUEMORE W: JERRY JONES P: RUDY RAY MOORE This sequel to DOLEMITE is still just Rudy Ray and his friends messing around, but it’s a more successful slice of nonsense than the original. I think the scenes that cemented it for me were the spedup martial arts fights (no doubt designed to disguise Moore’s lack of actual fighting ability). Like a live-action cartoon with its broad racist villains and colourful violence, it’s a slightly retarded classic of its kind that must have been a hoot to see in the grindhouses. With future token black Ghostbuster Ernie Hudson and screenwriter Jones.

THE HUMAN VAPOR (gas ningen dai ichigo) (1960 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: TAKESHI KIMURA Yoshio Tsuchiya stars as the title being, a besotted (with dancer Kaoru Yachigusa) librarian whom scientific experiments turn into a transparent gas (temporarily). He slides under doors and through vents to rob banks. Like Honda’s H-MAN (which had a man turn to slime), this has some great moments, but overall doesn’t gel as an engaging feature throughout. With Tatsuya Mihashi, Hisaya Ito, Yoshifumi Tajima, Fuyuki Murakami, Yoshio Kosugi, Bokuzen Hidari, Takamura Sasaki, Tatsuo Matsumura, Shoichi Hirose, Ren Yamamoto, Tetsu Nakamura, Wataru Omae, Toki Shiozawa and Yasuhisa Tsutsumi. James Hong’s voice can be heard a lot in the US release English dub.

HUMAN WRECKAGE See: SEX MADNESS

HUMONGOUS (1982 CAN) D: PAUL LYNCH W: WILLIAM GRAY P: ANTHONY KRAMREITHER Teens on a yacht (and a stranger they rescue at sea) end up shipwrecked on an island where an old eccentric woman is said to live alone with her many attack dogs. Her mutant son (who we only see briefly, and in the dark) turns out to be the killer. Lynch and Gray had previously collaborated on PROM NIGHT, which was at least enjoyably trashy. This is just crap. Ray Sager was the assistant director.

THE HUNCHBACK (OF NOTRE DAME) (1997 US HUN CZE CAN) D: PETER MEDAK W: JOHN FASANO P: STEPHANIE REICHEL Surprisingly quite good made-for-tv adaptation of Victor Hugo’s novel concentrates on the oppression of the people by the Church in early 16th century Paris, and how much of a threat the printing press was to them. Mandy Patinkin is virtually unrecognisable as Quasimodo and Salma Hayek a dramatically lightweight but appealing Esmerelda. Co-star Richard Harris is very good as Quasimodo’s reluctant, confused penitente guardian, and CARRY ON veteran Jim Dales is a also a surprise as the King of the Gypsies. With Vernon Dobtcheff and Zoltan Gera. The screenwriter helmed the 80s favourite ROCK’N’ROLL NIGHT MARE. QUASIMODO D’EL PARIS was the next French version in 1999.

THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME (1923 US) D: WALLACE WORSLEY W: PERELY POORE SHEEHAN/ EDWARD T. LOVE JR. P: CARL LAEMMLE/IRVING THALBERG After the shorts ESMERALDA (1905 and 1922 versions), THE HUNCHBACK (1909), HUGO THE HUNCHBACK, THE LOVE OF A HUNCHBACK (both 1910), NOTRE DAME DE PARIS (1911) and THE DARLING OF PARIS (1917), Lon Chaney starred in this great first (silent) feature version. Chaney’s makeup is real good, as are the (expensive) sets. It’s not completely faithful to Victor Hugo’s novel (which is quite the trudge to read nowadays), but does bring out some of the interesting, complex political and social themes. Chaney (whose stunts were performed by Joe Bonomo) manages to be sympathetic and scarily demented. Patsy Ruth Miller is Esmeralda. With Brandon Hurst, Norman Kerry, Raymond Hatton, Nigel De Brulier, Harry Von Meter, Eulalie Jensen, Kate Lester, Gladys Brockwell, John Cossar, Harry Holman, Bob Kortmann, Gene Roth, Charles Farrell, Elmo Lincoln, George MacQauerrie and Rolfe Sedan. William Wyler was an assistant director and Edgar G. Ulmer was one of the set decorators. The print I saw was (mostly, but not all) tinted, had an effective minimal piano score and ran 96 mins. It was originally over two hours. Before the next Hollywood adaptation in 1939, there were two Indian versions (NAV JAWAN and DHANWAN) in 1937 (and there was a British one-reeler the same year as this).

THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME (1939 US) D: WILLIAM DIETERLE W: SONYA LEVIEN P: PANDRO S. BERMAN The definitive version of Hugo’s novel stars Charles Laughton, just perfect as Quasimodo in great makeup. Maureen O’Hara is Esmeralda. You know the story, you need nothing more than the cast details, so see it! With Cedric Hardwicke, George Zucco, Edmond O’Brien, Thomas Mitchell, Harry Davenport, Fritz Leiber, Etienne Girardot, Minna Gombell, Arthur Hohl, Curt Bois, George Tobias, Rod La Rocque, Spencer Charters, Sig Arno, Alexander Granach, Otto Hoffman, Elmo Lincoln, Alan Copeland as a choirboy, Jack Curtis, Charles Drake, Cy Kendall, Nestor Paiva, Charles Halton, Victor Kilian, Paul Newlan, Russ Powell and Rondo Hatton. More versions (Hollywood and non-Hollywood) followed.

HUNDRA (1983 US SPN) D/W: “MATT CIMBER” (MATTEO OTTAVIANO) W: JOHN F. GOFF P: CIHANGIR GAFFARI One of Cimber’s most boring movies. Lauren Landon is a blonde warrior in a loincloth who fights Viking invaders. Made back to back with YELLOW HAIR AND THE FORTRESS OF GOLD. A double bill plays in my nightmares of mediocrity.

HUNDRED MONSTERS (yokai hyaku monogatari) (1968 JPN) D: KIMIYOSHI YASUDA W: TETSUROU YOSHIDA P: YAMATO YATSUHIRO A small village and its temple are about to be destroyed because a greedy, crooked businessman (Takashi Kanda) wants to build a gambling den/whorehouse. A storyteller tells 100 ghost stories, but Kanda and his samurai cronies (led by Ryutaro Gomi) refuse to complete the ceremony and don’t pray for the evil spirits to be dispelled. Various demons turn up to exact their revenge. These include a fire-breathing witch, lumpy faced entities with no facial features, a giant floating woman’s face that laughs, a woman with an extending neck and a cyclops. The most bizarre, memorable scene has a comic relief retard drawing an umbrella monster on the wall. This transforms into a dancing cartoon animation, and that becomes a “real”, odd FX creation: an old-style parasol umbrella with one eye and a long tongue that hops around on one leg! Jun Fujimaki stars as a heroic shogun spy. With Jun Hamamura, Shinobu Araki, Miwa Takada, Mikiko Tsubouchi, Sei Haraizumi, Yoshida Yoshio, Kazunari Doi, Saburo Date, Shousaku Sugiama, Tatsuo Hanabu, Shouzo Nanbu, Shinobu Araki, Kikasue Tamao, Taketoshi Naito and Yukio Horikita. This Daiei release is slow-moving (and it’s only just under 80 mins long), but pretty interesting if you’re unfamiliar with traditional Japanese demon folklore. It was a hit, so BIG MONSTER WAR and TOKAIDO ROAD MONSTERS followed. Director Yasuda had previously helmed the original MAJIN (with the same FX guy, Yoshiyuki Kuroda). Incidentally, the whole 100 ghosts/monsters theme can be traced back to an Edo period spook storytelling parlour game.

THE HUNGER (1983 UK) D: TONY SCOTT W: IVAN DAVIS/MICHAEL THOMAS/JAMES COSTIGAS P: RICHARD A. SHEPARD Scott’s feature debut (after directing Pepsi commercials) was an art-deco vampire movie mess. Being very 80s it may become more entertaining with age. Catherine Deneuve and David Bowie are ancient vampires in New York who hang out in goth clubs. Susan Sarandon is the scientist who helps them. It’s supposed to be erotic, but is too clinical and clean (typical of a former ad director). With Cliff De Young, Ann Magnuson, Dan Hedaya, Bessie Love, Willem Dafoe (very briefly), Shane Rimmer, Bauhaus singing Bela Lugosi’s Dead and Dick Smith FX. Based on a novel by Whitley Streiber, the best scene is when Bowie ages hundreds of years while in a doctor’s waiting room. There was a spinoff series in 1997.

HUNGRY PETS See: PLEASE DON’T EAT MY MOTHER

HUNGRY WIVES See: SEASON OF THE WITCH

THE HUNTED (2003 US) D: WILLIAM FRIEDKIN W: DAVID & PETER GRIFFITHS/ART MONTERASTELLI P: JAMES JACKS/RICARDO MESTRES Over-the-edge special forces “killing machine” Benicio Del Toro kills some hunters in the woods due to his disgust with modern impersonal killing methods. Tommy Lee Jones tracks the agile, almost invincible close-range knife fighting paranoid runaway in this dynamically postured but underdeveloped and unsatisfying thriller. The idea is interesting, but writers the Griffiths give it as much depth as their COLLATERAL DAMAGE. With Connie Nielsen, Leslie Stevens, John Finn, Mark Pellegrino, José Zuniga, Ron Canada, Lonny Chapman, Rex Linn and an opening narration (and closing song) from the late, great Johnny Cash.

HUNTER (2010) See: HYBRID

HUNTER IN THE DARK (yami no karyudo) (1979 JPN) D/W: HIDEO GOSHA P: GINICHI KISHIMOTO/ MASAYUKI SATO/SHIGEMI SUGISAKI Like Gosha’s previous BANDITS VS. SAMURAI SQUADRON (1978), this 18th century Tokugawa-era thriller of samurai corruption has a complex, difficult-to-follow plot that’s almost secondary to the dark and sinister, authentic atmosphere, aided by the naturalistic, non-stylised banal camerawork and distinct lack of pace or narrative drive. It just kind of ferments, and is obviously not for everyone. But for the inclined, it might just rank among the finest of classic Samurai cinema. The great cast includes Tatsuya Nakadai, Yoshio Harada, Keiko Kishi, Tetsuro Tamba, Ayumi Ishida, Sonny Chiba, Koji Yakusho (his debut?), Hajime Hana, Tatsuo Umemiya, Mikio Narita, Hideji Otaki, Yoshi Kato, Eijiro Tono and Isao Natsuyugi. Based on a novel by Shotaro Ikenami.

HUNTER OF THE APOCALYPSE See: CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE (OR) THE LAST HUNTER

HUNTER’S BLOOD (1987 US) D: ROBERT C. HUGHES W: EMMETT ALSTON P: MYRL A. SCHREIBMAN Sam Bottoms, Clu Gulager, Joey Travolta and Ken Swofford are some deer hunters from the city terrorised by backwoods Arkansas cannibal maniacs (including Bruce Glover and Billy Drago) in this ok, gory DELIVERANCE copy (based on Jere Cunningham’s novel). With Kim Delaney, Mickey Jones and Billy Bob Thornton.

HUNTER’S CROSSING (violent hunter; blood debts) (1984) D: “TEDDY PAGE” Richard Harrison sits behind a desk after his father and sister are captured for ransom by bandits in Vietnam and hires Bruce Baron to put together a team of commandos to rescue them. There’s some nudity and action in this typically awful mid-80s Harrison junk (lensed in the Philippines?). It wouldn’t surprise me if that was Godfrey Ho hiding behind the director’s pseudonym. [Illus.]

THE HUNTERS OF THE GOLDEN COBRA (raiders of the golden cobra; golden cobra; jungle hunt; I cacciatori del cobra d’oro) (1982 ITL) D: “ANTHONY M. DAWSON” (ANTONIO MARGHERITI) W/P: GIANFRANCO COUYOUMDJIAN W: TITO CARPI David Warbeck is American adventurer and former soldier Bob Jackson in this 40s era RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK rip-off shot in the Philippines. British Intelligence officer John Steiner wants him to return to the jungle and retrieve the titular valuable, worshipped by a native tribe. It was stolen by a rogue allied spy. “Alan Collins” (Luciano Pigozzi, a Margheriti regular until his death) also wants to hire Warbeck, to find his niece’s long-lost twin sister, now a jungle queen (Almanta Suska from THE NEW YORK RIPPER in a dual role). With Domiziano Arcangeli. Pretty boring, but the final reel inside a volcano temple has some workable pulp fiction atmosphere. ARK OF THE SUN GOD (1984) was more of the same.

THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER (1990 US) D: JOHN McTIERNAN W: LARRY FERGUSON/DONALD STEWART P: MACE NEUFELD Sean Connery is a submarine commander whose crew hijack the silent Red October sub and defect from Russia to the US. The Soviet government try to convince America that he’s a crazed renegade and should destroy the sub, but CIA analyst Jack Ryan (Alec Baldwin) knows better. It’s a solid Cold War thriller based on a novel by Tom Clancy. With Sam Neill, Scott Glenn, James Earl Jones, Tim Curry, Jeffrey Jones, Joss Ackland, Peter Firth, Fred Thompson, Rick Ducommun, Richard Jordan, Gates McFadden, Timothy Carhart, Ronald Guttman, Tomas Arana, Sven-Ole Thorsen and Ferguson and McTiernan. Harrison Ford was Ryan next in PATRIOT GAMES.

THE HUNTING See: HUNT TO KILL (2010)

HUNT THE MAN DOWN See: BAD MAN’S RIVER

HUNT TO KILL (the hunting) (2010 CAN) D: KEONI WAXMAN W: FRANK HANNAH P: JACK NASSER Double-crossed bank robbers led by Gil Bellows turn up in a small Montana town, wanting to track Michael Hogan and his stash, trying to cross the border on foot. They force Border Patrol Officer Steve Austin to guide them by keeping his daughter hostage. There are some impressive old-school stunts in this survival action movie, and the ending was somewhat amusing, but overall it’s a rather dull and formulaic adventure. With Gary Daniels (who fights a bit) and Eric Roberts (in the prologue only). It’s from Anchor Bay Films and was shot around Vancouver. Waxman often directs Steven Seagal. Austin, Daniels and Roberts were villains in THE EXPENDABLES (2010).

HURRICANE CHASER See: STORM

HUSTLE (1975 US) D/P: ROBERT ALDRICH W: STEVE SHAGAN Great downbeat thriller from the underappreciated Aldrich. Burt Reynolds is a cop living with hooker Catherine Deneuve who has to decide between justice or order when Ben Johnson’s teenage daughter washes up dead on the beach. Paul Winfield is his partner and Eddie Albert is a slimy, corrupt attorney in this unrecognised influence on later cop movies. With Eileen Brennan, Ernest Borgnine, Catherine Bach, Jack Carter, Robert Englund, Sharon Kelly, James Hampton, David Spielberg, Don Barry, Dave Willock, Fred Willard and Jason Wingreen.

HYBRID (alien encounter) (1997 US) D/P: FRED OLEN RAY W: SEAN O’BANNON A bunch of people seek shelter from some kind of storm in a cave lab complex in this dumb post-nuke ALIEN (and CREEPOZOIDS) rip-off. Tim Abell searches for his lost son, Brinke Stevens and J.J. North (ATTACK OF THE 6O CENTREFOLD) have a shower together and of course there’s a Giger-esque monster. With Peter Spellos, Nikki Fritz and John Barrymore III. Pretty boring.

HYBRID (super hybrid; hunter) (2010 US GER) D: ERIC VALETTE W: “NEAL MARSHALL STEVENS” (BENJAMIN CARR) P: OLIVER HENGST/ELIZABETH WANG-LEE/KEVIN DE WALT/TIM KWOK Mechanics at an all-night underground garage are hunted and killed by a shape-shifting car with a tentacled beast under the hood! The CGI is lousy and parts are silly, but this is different, quite enjoyable with some surprises, and I appreciate how it’s all taken very seriously (tongue-in-cheek humour would have ruined it). It’s better than the French director’s ONE MISSED CALL remake. Shot in Canada. Screenwriter Carr is a veteran of Charles Band’s Full Moon.

HYBRID BABIES See: VISITORS OF THE NIGHT

HYDRA (1971) See: ZAAT

HYPERCUBE: CUBE 2 (2002 CAN) D: ANDRZEJ SEKULA W: SEAN HOOD/LAUREN McLAUGHLIN W/P: ERNIE BARBARASH Another group of individuals find themselves trapped in a different cube in this sequel. Quantum teleportation (time travel) and shifts in gravity are more important than booby traps this time. It’s not anywhere near as good as the original and the ending tries for rationality (badly), but there are plenty of interesting ideas to make it worth the watch. With Kari Matchett, Geraint Wyn Davies, Grace Lynn King, Matthew Ferguson, Neil Crone, Barbara Gordon, Lindsey Connell, Bruce Gray, Philip Akin and Paul Robbins. Sekula was also the cinematographer, and Hood also wrote HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION. CUBE ZERO followed.

HYPNOSIS (saymin) (1999 JPN) D/W: MASAMUNE OCHIAE W: YASU HUKUDA P: TAKEHARU SAKURAI/ KAZUYA HAMANA Based on a novel by Keisuke Matsuoka (a real-life psychologist specialising in hypnosis), this confusing, ridiculous horror thriller is a vehicle for overacting Japanese scream queen Miho Kano (TOMIE). She plays a conditioned schizophrenic (and the evil side of human nature, “the green monkey”?). The hard to figure plot involves a sinister tv hypnotist using Kano for his own ends and special “signs” (like the sound of clanging metal) that send other conditioned people into suicidal depression. The inventive suicides are the best thing about this laughable (but never boring) feature. A track runner pushes herself until her leg bone smashes out through her knee cap (a guaranteed flinch-inducing scene). But Ren Osugi (HANA BI) has the funniest demise when he runs into a wall and impales his head on a coat hook. I suspect some of it may be played deliberately tongue-in-cheek. Goro Inagaki stars, with Ken Utsui and Keisuke Horibe.

HYSTERIA (1965 UK) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W/P: JIMMY SANGSTER American amnesia victim Robert Webber can’t remember anything before his car crash in England, but someone is paying his hospital and apartment bills. Competent but lowkey b/w programmer from Hammer is a passable psychological mystery, but nothing worth seeking out. With Maurice Denham and Marianne Stone. Francis also directed DR. TERROR’S HOUSE OF HORRORS and THE SKULL for rivals Amicus the same year.

HYSTERICAL (1982 US) D/W: CHRIS BEARDE W: WILLIAM, BRETT & MARK HUDSON W: TRACE JOHNSON P: GENE LEVY This God-awful horror movie spoof (all the expected major hits have scenes lampooned, badly) has Richard Kiel as the zombie monster of a 19th century lighthouse keeper killed by his jilted mistress (Julie Newmar). The Hudson brothers play various characters who team up to fight the evil. You should drop to your knees and thank the Lord that the Hudsons (who once had their own tv show, apparently) never got more famous than this. With Bud Cort, Keenan Wynn, Clint Walker, Murray Hamilton, John Larroquette, Gary Owens, Robert Donner, John Diehl (the killer in ANGEL), Cindy Pickett and Paul “Mousie” Gardner. [Illus.]

I AM NUMBER FOUR (2010 US) D: D.J. CARUSO W: ALFRED GOUGH/MILES MILLAR/MATTI NOXON P: MICHAEL BAY Alex Pettyfer (ALEX RIDER: STORMBREAKER) is an alien teen from a dead planet, still discovering his superpowers while trying to get through high school incognito. Timothy Olyphant is the guardian who knows that dangerous nasty aliens (led by Kevin Durand) are after him. Dianna Agron is the nice, artistic outsider girl he falls for; Callan McAuliffe the bullied nerd best friend. Teresa Palmer turns up late in the game as another teen alien ass-kicker (a set-up for a sequel which probably won’t happen, as this underperformed at the box office). It also features a cute dog, dinosaur-like monsters and a surprise reference to Horace Pinker and Wes Craven’s SHOCKER during a haunted hayride (which looks better than any ghost train I’ve ever been on). There is no doubt that this is clichéd, prefabricated, merchandise-driven FX-laden drivel aimed at younger teens (actually a TWILIGHT gender-reversal), but there are much worse out there, and I can see this entertaining less discriminating kids. Karen Allen was cut out. It’s based on a bestselling novel by “Pittacus Lore”, and features some truly horrible, maudlin songs on the soundtrack.

I BOUGHT A VAMPIRE MOTORCYCLE (iron thunder) (1989 UK) D: DIRK CAMPBELL W/P: MYCAL MILLER/JOHN WOLSKEL Motorcycle courier Noddy (Neil Morrissey, years before becoming the famous voice of Bob The Builder) buys a secondhand Commando motorbike. Problem is that the previous owner was a possessed Satanist biker whose blood infected the fuel tank. The machine craves the crimson stuff, and wants revenge against the rival gang that killed his master. Silly and often (knowingly) corny horror-comedy shot in Birmingham starts off shakily, but slowly grows on you, and is quite good fun by the final reel, with some impressive FX. In one dream sequence, Daniel Peacock becomes a talking turd. Michael Elphick is the garlic-eating Inspector Cleaver (he and Morrissey were stars of the longrunning tv show Boon around the same time), and there’s a cameo from Burt Kwouk.

I BURY THE LIVING (1958 US) D/P: “ALBERT BAND” (ALFREDO ANTONINI) W/P: LOUIS GARFINKLE Band made this b/w chiller after his 1956 directorial debut western YOUNG GUNS (also scripted by Garfinkle). Richard Boone is a successful businessman voted by committee to oversee the running of the local cemetery in the tradition of his late father. He just deals with the paperwork, while the day to day maintenance is covered by strange caretaker and headstone maker Theodore Bikel. A creepy looking cemetery map in his office illustrates the family plots. A black pin signifies an occupied grave while a white one means it’s empty. After Boone accidentally puts a black one where a white one should be, that client dies prematurely. Trying to shake off the coincidence, Boone deliberately makes the same mistake again and the same thing happens. Believing he has the power over life and death, he reverses the mistake in the hope of raising the dead. Audiences usually find the rational surprise ending a bit disappointing, but this is a superior, eerie gem that has a great script and tight, inspired direction. With Cyril Delevanti, Matt Moore (in his final role), Robert Osterloh, Herbert Anderson and Russ Bender. Makeup by Jack Pierce.

I CAME, I SAW, I SHOT See: ONE DOLLAR TOO MANY

I CAN’T SLEEP See: SLEEPLESS

ICE (grand cross; eis: wenn die welt erfriet) (1998 US GER) D: JEAN DE SEGONZAC W/P: RODERICK TAYLOR W: BRUCE A. TAYLOR P: LAURIE McLARTY/ LES ALEXANDER/DON ENRIGHT An LA cop (Grant Show) leads a group of survivors (including villain Udo Kier) through the snowy wastes of America after the Earth is flung into a new Ice Age. It’s due to the sun not working properly, but is never explained properly. It’s a reasonably engaging sci-fi adventure with well incorporated stock footage. With Michael Riley, Art Hindle, John Bourgeois and Phillip Jarrett.

THE ICE (2011) See: ICE ROAD TERROR

ICEBREAKER (1999 US) D: DAVID GIANCOLA W: HASSO WOLF WUERSLIN P: PETER BECKWITH A bald Bruce Campbell leads a bunch of terrorists who take people at a ski resort hostage while trying to retrieve some plutonium from a plane wreck in the mountains. Sean Astin (from THE GOONIES) is the heroic snowboarder who foils their plans in true DIE HARD style. Dumb action movie is more-or-less the same as CRACKERJACK with the added advantage of having Campbell in the unusually large part of villain. With Stacy Keach and Suzanne Turner.

ICE CREAM MAN (1994 US) D/P: NORMAN APSTEIN W: DAVID DOBKIN/SVEN DAVIDSON Clint Howard has his first starring role since EVILSPEAK as a traumatised, creepy, wisecracking ice cream man who kidnaps kids and kills grown-ups (David Naughton’s decapitated head ends up on an ice cream cone). Flashbacks show how his ice cream man friend got killed in a drive-by (!) when he was a kid. Consequently he’s injected in the head with green gook at a scary asylum where “everyday is happy day”. Olivia Hussey is his ex-nurse/landlady and a very serious looking Jan-Michael Vincent and Lee Majors II are the cops on the case. This black gore comedy is silly, stupid and the comedy is pretty terrible, but I enjoyed watching it anyway. With David Warner as a priest, Sandahl Bergman, Steve Garvey, Tori Wellles and Cole S. McKay. The director usually makes porn with titles like SPERM BITCHES under the name “Paul Norman”.

ICELAND See: NEW ALCATRAZ

ICE MAN See: YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY

THE ICEMAN COMETH (the time warriors; gap dung kei hap; ji dong ji xia) (1989 HK) D: CLARENCE FOK W/P: STEPHEN SHIU YEUK YUEN W: JOHNNY MAK TON HUNG Loyal and patriotic Royal Guard Yuen Biao must stop evil rapist and killer Yuen Wah. After a sword fight in the snowy wastes they both both fall to their deaths from a high cliff. But they’re preserved and the corpses later discovered and thawed out in modern-day Kowloon. Beginning like a fish-out-of-water comedy with Biao falling in love with hooker Maggie Cheung, this soon becomes more action orientated as Wah figures out how to send weapons back in time to defeat the Dynasty. Reasonably entertaining action adventure suffers from overlength and I don’t think Biao is charismatic enough to carry an entire film on his own. With Wong Jing, Anthony Wong, Helena Lau Lan, Cory Yuen Kwai, Elvis Tsui, Tai Bo, Stanley Fung, Walter Tso Tat Wah, Frankie Ng and a homophobic AIDS joke.

THE ICE PIRATES (1984 US) D/W: STEWART RAFFILL W: STANFORD SHERMAN P: JOHN FOREMAN Very bad space adventure stars Robert Urich as an outlaw searching for giant ice sheets in a future where water is scarce. I’ve read that it’s a STAR WARS spoof, but I think it takes itself very seriously. And when it doesn’t the humour is grating. It’s also very sad to see an aged John Carradine playing a character on his deathbed. With Mary Crosby (Bing’s daughter), Anjelica Huston, Ron Perlman, Bruce Vilanch, Ian Abercrombie, Hank Worden, and a eunuch-making machine. Raffill made THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT the same year.

ICE PLANET (2001 GER) D: WINRICH KOLBE W/P: M.G. CONFORD P: SILKANDER GOLDAU/DANIEL V. VOLEKAMER Wes Studi heads the crew of a large spaceship that ends up on an unknown ice planet in another galaxy (or dimension) in this STAR TREK-inspired pilot for a sci-fi series that never was. Studi makes a good captain and the many FX are well done. But the unresolved ending makes it difficult to work as a stand alone feature. With Anna Bruggeman and Reiner Schone.

ICE ROAD TERROR (the ice) (2011 US) D: TERRY INGRAM W: KEITH SHAW P: CHRIS BARTLEMAN Truckers Ty Olsson and Dylan Neal give environmental assessment scientist Brea Grant a lift to an Alaskan diamond mine, while carrying explosives along the notoriously perilous Arctic ice roads. Little do they know that strip mining has released a beast of Inuit legend (a typical Syfy poor CGI reptilian monster with big teeth) that’s eating everyone. Neither better nor worse than a dozen other Syfy productions, it’s exactly what you’d expect. There are worse ways of wasting an evening, but also much better ones, too. With Malcolm Stewart and Michael Hogan.

ICE STATION See: SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK FOR MORE

ICE STATION EREBUS See: SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK FOR MORE

I CHANGED MY SEX See: GLEN OR GLENDA

ICHI THE KILLER (koroshiya ichi) (2001 JPN HK S.KOR) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: SAKICHI SATO P: DAI MIYAZAKI/AKIKO FUNABU When a high profile member of the yakuza goes missing, his crime family suspect rival gangs of kidnapping. Not helping the delicate, diplomatic situation is the sadistic, masochistic and extremely violent Tadanobu Asano (with bleach blond hair), who likes nothing more than ramming skewers through people’s faces and pouring boiling oil over them. Meanwhile a crazed schizo assassin (played by Akaji Maro’s son Nao Omori) is hypnotised into killing “bullies” with his switchblade shoes. This well made, clever and very funny over-the-top black comedy has moments of extreme CGI gore and lots of sexual violence, so beware of cut prints. In some ways it’s the ultimate SM movie. With Shinya Tsukamoto, Hideo Yamamoto (the film is based on his manga), Sabu (aka Hiroyuki Tanaka), Miike, Suzuki Matsuo, Shun Sugata, Susumu Terajima, Paulyn (aka Alien) Sun (a Ms. Singapore), Jun Kunimura, Moro Morooka, Houka Kinoshita, screenwriter Sato, Yukikazana Buri and pornstar Mai Goto. The opening title is written in sperm (which according to the dvd director’s commentary came from Tsukamoto and other members of the crew). ICHI was a pretty good low-budget companion piece prequel by a different director.

I COME IN PEACE See: DARK ANGEL (1989)

ICON See: MILL OF THE STONE WOMEN

I CONFESS (1953 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: GEORGE TABORI/WILLIAM ARCHIBALD Handyman O.E. Hasse confesses to priest Montgomery Clift a murder he has committed. His vows forbid Clift from divulging the information to the police, even when Prosecutor Karl Malden has him pegged as the main suspect. Anne Baxter also has a pivotal role in this lesser-known but gripping Hitchcock thriller (the great director makes his usual cameo appearance). Filmed in Quebec, it’s actually based on a turn of the century play by Paul Anthelme. With Henry Corden.

ICY DEATH See: DEATH DIMENSION

IDAHO TRANSFER (deranged; nuclear escape) (1971 US) D: PETER FONDA W: THOMAS MATTHIESEN P: WILLIAM HAYWARD Young men and women use a special unit to travel 56 years into the future in an era of the Idaho desert that used to be lava (or something). They study snakes and plan for some kind of post-nuke civilisation. They have to remove their special trousers for travel, so leggy half-naked hippy chicks make it easy to watch. When the unit breaks, they have to trek cross-country (nicely photographed) and encounter retard survivors. Confusing but somewhat interesting slice of hippy SF, with a great “message” ending out of left-field. Keith Carradine is in it. Fonda’s previous directorial feature was the western THE HIRED HAND. He also made WANDA NEVADA (1979).

IDENTITY (2003 US) D: JAMES MANGOLD W: MICHAEL CLOONEY P: CATHY KONRAD A bunch of strangers are thrown together in an isolated motel during a heavy storm. Someone kills them off one-by-one. Sounds like a million other movies, right? Wrong. Check out IDENTITY at all costs, to say any more would spoil the surprise. With John Cusack, Ray Liotta, Alfred Molina, Clea DuVall, John Hawkes, John C. McGinley, Amanda Peet, Jake Busey, Pruitt Taylor Vince, Rebecca De Mornay, Marshall Bell and Carmen Argenziano. Not what you might expect from the screenwriter of those JACK FROST movies.

IDIOCRACY (2006 US) D/W/P: MIKE JUDGE W: ETAN COEN P: ELYSA KOPLOVITZ Luke Wilson stars as a very average army librarian frozen as part of an experiment, and accidentally left for 5,000 years. Marya Rudolph is a volunteer prostitute frozen with him! In the future they discover that everyone is a moron, and they’re the smartest people in the world! Hilarious sci-fi comedy was unfortunately barely released, but is guaranteed a cult audience. I hope it’s not too prophetic; sometimes it sure seems that way! With Dax Shepard, Terry Crews as the President, Justin Long and Stephen Root. Filmed in Austin, Texas. Coen has also written for Judge’s brilliant animated KING OF THE HILL series. His next feature was the quite amusing romantic comedy EXTRACT (2009).

I DISMEMBER MAMA (poor albert and little annie; crazed) (1974 US) D: PAUL LEDER W: WILLIAM W. NORTON P: LEON ROTH Many probably thought that this great exploitation title was just a joke written for F/X: MURDER BY ILLUSION, but it exists and is surprisingly good. Zooey Hall is very good as Albert, a mentally disturbed young man who thinks that all women are whores. He escapes from a rest home with the intention of killing his mother. But he ends up slicing up the housekeeper and taking her little daughter out for the day. Albert falls for the innocent Annie (“clean, pure and undefiled”) while detective Greg Mullavy (“I don’t like to see anybody chopped up”) tries to track them down. Solid, effective and occasionally disturbing thriller was directed by the father of Mimi Leder (DEEP IMPACT). He followed it up twenty years later with KILLING OBSSESSION.

IDLE HANDS (1999 US) D: RODMAN FLENDER W: TERRI HUGHES/RON MILBAUER P: ANDREW LICHT/ JEFFREY A. MUELLER/SUZANNE and JENNIFER TODD Devon Sawa stars as a lazy, often-stoned teen whose hand is possessed by an evil force that makes him kill people. Seth Green and Elden Henson are his smoking buddies who return as zombies (simply because Heaven was too far to walk to) and Jessica Alba is the sexy girlfriend in danger. This teen horror comedy is violent, funny and a lot more entertaining than you might have guessed from the trailers. With Vivicia A. Fox, Fred Willard, Joey Slotnick, Sean Whalen and Offspring appear and play.

I DON’T WANT TO BE BORN See: THE DEVIL WITHIN HER (1975)

I DRINK YOUR BLOOD (1971 US) D/W: DAVID E. DURSTON P: JERRY GROSS After a gang of Satanist travellers rape and beat on his sister and drug his grandfather with LSD (“it makes a person go crazy”), a young boy injects meat pies with blood from a rabid dog and sells them to the “sados” (led by Bhaskar as Horace Bones). Soon the whole town, including dam workers in hardhats, is infected and run around frothing from the mouth. Not quite the horror classic some will have you believe, this is a fun, culminative movie with a highly original plotline and interesting electronic soundtrack (by Clay Pitts). With Lynn Lowry (later in Cronenberg’s somewhat similar SHIVERS) and Durston. “Satan was an acidhead” apparently. Gross, of course, later put it on an unmissable double bill with I EAT YOUR SKIN.

I EAT YOUR SKIN (zombies; zombie bloodbath) (1964 US) D/W/P: DEL TENNEY A beefcake playboy novelist with some truly awful pick-up lines (“what part of Heaven did you fly out from?”) flies to a remote island in the Bahamas to find the ingredients for an adventure novel. Walter Coy is their host on the island, his other guests being a scientist searching for a cancer cure in snake venom and his virginal blonde daughter. A primitive drug is blamed for flaky-skinned, bulgy-eyed “zombies” (who hack a guy’s head off with a machete), but it turns out to be something more sinister. This b/w quickie is not really very good, but has some shot-in-Florida atmosphere, while the zombie makeup is simple yet effective. William Grefe was the second unit director. Tenney (known for his THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH) made CURSE OF THE LIVING CORPSE the same year, but didn’t direct again until DESCENDANT in 2003.

if.… (1968 UK) D/P: LINDSAY ANDERSON W: DAVID SHERWIN/JOHN HOWLITT P: MICHAEL MEDWIN Malcolm McDowell stars as a senior at a private boys boarding school in an alternate reality where students must run in the halls. It’s kind of a posh juvenile delinquent movie that’s famous for the excellent finale when McDowell and other student rebels set fire to the main hall and mow down the fleeing students and teachers with a machine-gun. O LUCKY MAN! (1973) and BRITANNIA HOSPITAL (1982) were follow ups that also come highly recommended. Spot the young Robin Askwith. With Peter Jeffrey, Arthur Lowe, Graham Crowden and Charles Lloyd-Pack.

IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU, WHAT WILL HORSES DO? (1971 US) D/W: RON ORMOND After a series of near-death experiences converted him to Christianity, legendary Nashville-based exploitation filmmaker Ormond and his family (whose previous picture had been THE MONSTER AND THE STRIPPER) teamed up with Estus W. Pirkle, a real fire and brimstone preacher, to present his sermons in cinematic form. The first fruits of their labour was this mind boggling 52 mins of pro-Christian, anti-Communist insanity that is half filmed sermon and half filmed “reconstructions”. Pirkle explains to his bewildered flock how Communists will take over America “in 15 mins” (!) if we don’t amend our ways and devote more time to reading the scriptures. Some things that Pirkle rallies against are tv, sex, education, cartoons (which have caused crime to raise 100% apparently), dancing (“the front door to adultery”) and miniskirts. The reconstructions are based on “real events” that have happened in other Communist countries, only relocated to the modern-day America of the near future (24 months, in fact, if we’re not careful). Soviet soldiers shoot people dead in the streets, collect kids for slave labour in a cattle truck, have a man lowered onto pitchforks and decapitate a little boy. But the most outrageous scene is when a little kid’s ears are pierced with sharpened bamboo sticks so that he “can’t hear the word of God”! You also get to hear that damn MESA OF LOST WOMEN/JAILBAIT flamenco guitar again. Ron’s son Tim (who also has a small part) helped dad with the photography and editing, while mom June was the production supervisor. The family made THE BURNING HELL with Pirkle next. “Communism is good… Christianity is stupid”.

I, FRANKENSTEIN See: THE REVENGE OF FRANKENSTEIN

IF YOU CAN’T SAY IT, JUST SEE IT See: WHORE

IF YOU DON’T STOP IT…YOU’LL GO BLIND!!! (1976 US) D/W/P: BOB LEVY D: KEEFE BRASSELLE W: MIKE PRICE W/P: MIKE CALLIE Judges for the World Sex Awards watch a series of short comic skits (mostly about sex and featuring female nudity) with real cornball humour and wah-wah-wah punchlines. One is a whorehouse musical number. At the end there’s an awards ceremony. Uschi Digard has several roles. With Marie Aronof (billed sometimes as Arnold), Sandy Dempsey and Brasselle. This was a serious hit in it’s day. CAN I DO IT ‘TILL I NEED GLASSES? (1977) was the sequel. [Illus.]

IF YOU LIVE…SHOOT! See: DJANGO KILL

IGA MAGIC WARS See: NINJA WARS

IGOR AND THE LUNATICS (igorians) (1985 US) D/P: BILLY PAROLINI D/W: TOM DORAN/ BRENDAN FAULKNER W/P: JOCELYN BEARD Godawful Troma release filmed in New York has a Manson-style cult guru released from prison and continuing his late-60s reign of terror in the present day. A deprogrammed ex-disciple tries to stop him. With bad gore, like death by buzz-saw, and a very confusing actor swap halfway through the film. If you make it that far. [Illus.]

IGORIANS See: IGOR AND THE LUNATICS

IGUANA (1988 ITL SPN SWITZ US) D/W: MONTE HELLMAN W: DAVID M. ZEHR/STEVEN GAYDOS P: FRANCO DI NUNZIO Character actor Everett McGill (THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS) gets a rare leading role as Oberlus, a facially deformed seaman who jumps ship after being branded for practicing voodoo (by Captain Fabio Testi), washes-up on a nearby island and declares himself king. Trespassers must become his slaves or die. Maru Valdivieslo is a Spanish aristocrat who eventually bares his child. Hellman’s first proper feature as director since 1978’s CHINA 9, LIBERTY 37 (also with Testi) is an arresting, very matter-of-fact take on a remarkable story (based on a novel by MANAOS (1979) director Alberto Vazquez Figueroa, itself based on a short tale from Herman Melville’s Los Encantadas collection, itself based on a true story from the early 19th century). The beautiful locations (including cave interiors) are on Lan Sorotee, in the Canary Islands. With Joseph Culp, Michael Madsen, Joseph Culp, Luis Barboo and Jack Taylor. I think it’s dedicated to Warren Oates (who died in 82). Hellman (who also edited) made SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT III next.

I HATE YOUR GUTS! (the intruder; the stranger; shame) (1962 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: CHARLES BEAUMONT William Shatner is excellent as a cunning, friendly-seeming social worker who arrives in a small Mississippi town and immediately goes about convincing the white locals that they should oppose the new integration ruling for black students at the local school. It took a long time for this well made message movie (which also works as exploitation) to become recognised, but it’s one of Corman’s best. The mob scenes of racially fired up whites are scary because of their basis in reality. Beaumont’s novel The Intruder was based on real-life events. Beaumont also appears on screen.

I HATE YOUR GUTS (1977) See: FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE

I HIRED A CONTRACT KILLER (vertrag mitmeinem killer; j’ai engage un tueur) (1990 FIN UK GER SWE FRA) D/W/P: AKI KAURISMAKI The Finnish Kaurismaki (most famous for directing the LENINGRAD COWBOYS films) relocates the old chestnut story of 1931’s LOOKING FOR HIS MURDERER to an unreal seeming London where everyone listens to oldies on the radio. Jean-Pierre Leaud is the French office worker who attempts suicide after being laid-off from his job. Failing this, he puts a contract out on himself. But then he meets door-to-door rose seller Margi Clarke (who is truly awful, trying too hard to emulate the trademark Kaurismaki deadpan), and changes his mind. But subcontractor Kenneth Colley doesn’t know this. Unremarkable but likeable and darkly comic tribute to the films of Jean-Pierre Melville (I guess) would be much better if not for the acting black hole that is Clarke. Some of the suspenseful scenes are surprisingly gripping. With Nicky Tesco (of The Members, whose great hit was Sound Of The Suburbs), Serge Reggiani and Joe Strummer performing in a pub. Kaurismaki (who also edited) has a cameo as a guy selling sunglasses.

IKINAI (1998 JPN) D: HIROSHI SHIMIZU W: DANKAN Dankan (a popular Japanese comedian who was the star of Takeshi Kitano’s GETTING ANY?) wrote and stars in this disturbing and funny black comedy that deserves more recognition outside Japan. He plays the sombre conductor of Suicide Coach Tours. Customers who want to end their lives prematurely take out accident insurance prior to their trip so that their families will be taken care of. On the last leg of their tour of Okinawa island, the bus will plummet over a cliff. Things get complicated when a young girl with a zest for life unwittingly joins the tour. The ending is first-class. With Takenori Murano, Nanako Okochi, Toshinori Omi and Great Gidayu. It was the second film (after HANA BI) to be made for Kitano’s production company Office Kitano. Dankan and Kitano used to have a stand-up routine together.

IKITEI ITTA NORA INU (1961 JPN) D/W: TOSHIO MASUDA Hideaki Futani is a yakuza who gets out of prison and tries to find his brother’s murderer in this Nikkatsu thriller. Solid, fast-paced little number from the director of LAST DAYS OF PLANET EARTH. With Shinsuke Ashida. Based on a novel by someone whose name I didn’t catch.

I LED TWO LIVES See: GLEN OR GLENDA

I LOVE A MAN IN UNIFORM (a man in uniform) (1993 CAN) D/W: DAVID WELLINGTON P: PAUL BROWN Tom McCamus is an LA banker and struggling actor who’s hired to play a cop on a tv series. Taking his uniform home, he gets a little too much into character, arresting villains and taking the law (and the power of the law) into his own hands. This impressive, disturbing feature (shot in Toronto) owes a lot to TAXI DRIVER, but is good enough to stand alone.

I LOVE MARIA See: ROBOFORCE

I LOVE PECKER See: PECKER

I LOVE YOU, BRUCE LEE See: BRUCE LEE & I

I LOVE YOU TO DEATH See: DEADLY ILLUSION

ILSA, HAREM KEEPER OF THE OIL SHIEKS (1976 CAN) D/P: DON EDMUNDS W: LANGSTON STAFFORD Dyanne Thorne returns as Ilsa, this time running a slave ring in the Middle East. It’s less offensive than the original, but in some ways more entertaining. Exploding diaphragms are highlights, along with topless kick-boxing and wrestling. With Ivan Rassimov, Tanya Boyd, Marilyn Joi, Sharon Kelly, Haji, Spalding Gray, Uschi Digard, George “Buck” Flower and more great Joe Blasco FX. TIGRESS OF SIBERIA followed.

ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE S.S. (1974 US CAN) D: DON EDMUNDS W: JONAH ROYSTON P: “HERMAN TRAEGER” (DAVID F. FRIEDMAN) Dyanne Thorne is fantastic as the overexaggerated exploitation movie version of the real-life Ilsa Koch, commandant of a concentration camp where grisly experiments are carried out on female prisoners (boiled alive, eaten by maggots etc), all horribly realised by Joe Blasco’s amazing FX. The male prisoners are used as sex slaves for Koch, only to be castrated the next day. Not much is left to be said about this exploitation landmark (everyone probably knows that sets from the tv show Hogan’s Heroes were used) but keep in mind that the original is more sick than exciting or entertaining. That’s not to say it’s too strong (at least not for some), but the sequels (starting with HAREM KEEPER) are more fun. Friedman also appears briefly (but got financially burned, so stayed away from the sequels). With George “Buck” Flower, Uschi Digard and Sharon Kelly.

ILSA, THE ABSOLUTE POWER See: GRETA, THE MAD BUTCHER

ILSA, THE WICKED WARDEN See: GRETA, THE MAD BUTCHER

ILSA, TIGRESS OF SIBERIA (1977 CAN) D: JEAN LaFLEUR W: MARVIN McGARA P: “JULIAN PARNELL” (ROGER CORMAN/IVAN REITMAN) It’s another high quality Ilsa exploitation movie (this time from different filmmakers). Thorne runs a prison camp in Siberia (where a guy’s head is smashed with a big mallet) during the Korean War. Her henchmen fight each other over who will fuck her each night. She flees when Stalin dies in 53, but a survivor from the camp tracks her down to Montreal in 1976. She runs a whorehouse where the women are conditioned by fear. The best part is an arm-wrestling scene over chainsaws! Bruce Lee Meets Ilsa In The Bermuda Triangle is the infamous, if unfilmed proposed fourth entry.

I, MADMAN See: HARDCOVER

THE IMAGE See: THE PUNISHMENT OF ANNE

IMAGE OF BRUCE LEE (storming attacks; maang laam daai chaak yin chi foo; da se yan zhi hu) (1978 HK) D/W: YEUNG KUEN W: WAN SIU KUEN P: ALEX GOUW This one begins with Bruce Li (in a yellow jumpsuit) climbing up the outside of a building on a rope to prevent a suicide! After that though it’s a dull cops’n’robbers kung fu quickie as Li and Dana (who looks great naked or clothed) try to crack a counterfeit cash ring. Bolo Yeung is a villain. With John Cheung Ng Long, Han Ying Chieh, Sham Chin Bo (who also choreographed the ok fighting), Fung Ging Man and Ho Pak Kwong. The director later made SEEDING OF A GHOST.

I MARRIED A MONSTER FROM OUTER SPACE (1958 US) D/P: GENE FOWLER W: LOUIS VITTES Gloria Talbot marries Tom Tryon, not knowing that he’s an alien in disguise. She soon finds out that he’s a (pretty scary) monster though, and there’s a plot to clone and repopulate Earth. This fine low-budget b/w sci-fi chiller has a real nightmarish appeal, and seems to get better with age. With Maxie Rosenbloom, Ty Hardin, John Eldredge, James Anderson, Bess Flowers and Mary Treen. Remade forty years later.

I MARRIED A MURDERER See: SABOTAGE (1936)

I MARRIED A STRANGE PERSON (1997 US ANIMATED) D/W/P: BILL PLYMPTON W: P.C. VEY Plympton is a true original, and his second fulllength animated feature (after THE TUNE) is a great way to discover his brilliant, hilarious animated style. Two mating ducks crash into a satellite dish which zaps our hero who develops strange powers. Of note is a particularly funny sex scene. Recommended.

I’M DANGEROUS TONIGHT (1990 US) D: TOBE HOOPER W/P: BRUCE LANSBURY W: PHILIP TAYLOR Nice small-town girl Madchen Amick makes a red dress out of a old cursed Aztec cloak. She becomes possessed by it and turns into an out-of-character femme fatale. This very dull tv movie has one (very) brief shock-cut of an old woman (Natalie Schafer) that takes you straight back to 1974 when Hooper was on the top of his form. But once the jolt’s over it’s back to the bottom of the barrel. Based on a 1937 Cornel Woolrich story. With Anthony Perkins, Corey Parker, Dee Wallace Stone, R. Lee Ermey, William Berger, Jack McGee and Matthew Walker.

I’M GONNA GIT YOU, SUCKA! (1988 US) D/W: KEENAN IVORY WAYANS P: PETER McCARTHY/CARL CRAIG Wayans stars as Jack Spade, who returns from ’nam to find his brother has died from an overdose of gold chains in this fun spoof of 70s black action movies. Bernie Casey co-stars as cop John Slade who helps him get justice. They also recruit Isaac Hayes and Jim Brown as Hammer and Slammer (there’s also a pilot for a series based on these characters that never happened). It spoofs exactly what you’d expect, and many of the jokes are just mediocre, but it is a lot of fun, and parts are hilarious. With Antonio Fargas, Steve James, Damon, Marlon and Shawn Wayans, Chris Rock, Clarence Williams III, Clue Gulager, David Alan Grier, Tom Wright, Peggy Lipton and Robert Townsend. John Vernon is the main villain!

IMMORAL GIRLS OF THE NAKED WEST See: WILD GALS OF THE NAKED WEST!

THE IMMORAL MR. TEAS (mr. teas and his playthings; steam heat) (1959 US) D/W: RUSS MEYER P: PETER A. DeCENZIE Meyer’s 63 min full colour debut is pretty difficult to sit through nowadays, but inspired an entire industry of nudie-cutie imitations. Bill Teas is the Mr. Hulot-like “common man” whose job seems to be delivering dental equipment. Everywhere he goes there seems to be an opportunity to glare at ample cleavage and eventually topless women bathing at the park, and even rowing a boat. It’s very difficult to imagine men sneaking into theatres to jack-off to this, but they evidently did. Meyer was also the photographer (a very good one who always shot his own pictures) and can be spotted as an audience member at a burlesque show. With June Wilkinson’s torso.

IMMORAL TALES (contes immoraux) (1974 FRA) D/W: WALERIAN BOROWCZYK P: ANATOLE DAUMAN This erotic anthology caused quite a stir in it’s day. The Tide (based on a story by André Pieyre De Mandiargues) concerns an abstract lesson in fellatio. Therese The Philosopher features cucumber masturbation. Elizabeth Bathory is about the famous, demented countess who bathed in the blood of slaughtered virgin girls. The last story is Lucrezia Borgia (an intended fifth piece was later expanded into THE BEAST). The problem with this kind of dated, arty erotica is that it’s not thought-provoking enough to be of interest, has no narrative structure to suck us in and is too tame to be titilating.

THE IMMORAL WEST — AND HOW IT WAS LOST See: WILD GALS OF THE NAKED WEST!

THE IMMORTALIZER (1991 US) D: JOEL BENDER W: MARK M. NELSON P: MICHAEL B. LONDON/ FREDRICK WOLCOTT Some teens end up captive to a mad scientist who provides young bodies for his wealthy, ageing clients brains in this dumb but enjoyable horror movie. Muscular mutants in the basement are used to capture the blonde young vessels (including playmate Rebekka Armstrong) and are kept under control with electric cattle prods. There’s also a big meat grinder at the bottom of a disposal chute! My favourite part is the inventive death scene in which a character is stabbed with a long barreled gun (!) which then goes off. Someone says “you just don’t get it” into the camera.

I, MONSTER (1971 UK) D: STEPHEN WEEKS W/P: MILTON SUBOTSKY P: MAX J. ROSENBERG Apparently this troubled Amicus production was meant to be delivered by Weeks in some kind of 3D process. The producers were not happy with the results, so it was cut down to 77 mins (although an Italian print is said to be a little longer). But what remains is actually not bad at all. Christopher Lee stars as a Freudian psychiatrist in an uncredited Jekyll & Hyde retread (he’s actually Dr. Marlowe and Mr. Blake!). At first he injects some of his patients with an experimental serum (it effects them all differently, with meeker ones releasing their id, and the more confident becoming apologetic nebbish types with too much superego). He eventually injects himself, with the expected results (including a knife-fight with a street hoodlum played by Michael de Barres from 70s rock group Detective). Peter Cushing co-stars as a concerned friend from the same gentlemen’s club. Lee is quite good as the buttoned-up repressive who starts grinning like a loon, and whose features get progressively more ugly (but why does no one recognise him?). Low-key with a stately pace, but brisk and engaging enough. Shame about the anticlimactic ending, though. With Mike Raven (from CRUCIBLE OF TERROR), Richard Humdall, George Merritt, Lesley Judd and Ian McCulloch as an extra. Weeks’ other horror was GHOST STORY (1974), but first he made GAWAIN AND THE GREEN KNIGHT.

THE IMP (hung bong; xiong bang) (1981 HK) D: DENNIS YU W: YU BING HING/LEE TANG/CHEUNG KAM MOON P: JEFFREY LAU Charlie Chin Chiang Lin is having difficulty finding a job to support him and his pregnant wife. He finally gets employment as a nightwatchman at an office building (it looks more like a mall) and experiences horrific visions. Soon co-workers are dying mysteriously and a Fung Shui expert informs him that his wife is about to give birth to the reincarnation of evil itself. This very well made horror movie is told in a no-nonsense manner (which you might not expect from a Hong Kong production) and I appreciate we’re supposed to be just as confused as the protagonist, but it’s still much too vague and despite some scary scenes, unsatisfying. With Kent Cheung (who wears one tshirt that states “am I a girl?” and then another that says “no! I am a man”), Yueh Hua, Wong Ching and Wong Chung.

THE IMP (1987) See: SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA

THE IMP (yip yuk chui gik dong ngon ji che saai; nie yu zhui ji dang an zhi xie sha) (1996 HK) D/P: IVAN LAI GAI MING W: LEUNG TAK SAM Diana Pang Dan travels to a remote island to find out what happened to her twin sister. Stupid mystery thriller/ horror is enjoyable despite itself, due mainly to the sexy Dan’s sex scenes (no nipples visible) and a ludicrous, overacting knife-wielding spastic. With Mark Chen and William Ho Ha-Kui.

IMPACT (1949 US) D: ARTHUR LUBIN W: DOROTHY REID/JAY DRATLER P: LEO C. POPKIN Successful San Francisco executive Brian Donlevy is supposed to be offed by his scheming wife’s lover posing as her brother during a long-distance road trip. Instead the lover ends up in a fatal crash and the left-for-dead Donlevy stumbles to a nearby small-town where he seethes with bitterness while working as a mechanic (for a woman with whom he falls in love). Maid Anna May Wong finally coughs up some evidence that brings the wife (Ella Raines) to trial at the insistence of detective Charles Coburn in this not-bad (if overlong) b/w noir courtroom drama that lacks dynamism. With Mae Marsh, Philip Ahn, Jason Robards Sr., Ben Welden, Robert Warwick, Clarence Kolb, Ruth Robinson, Joel Freidkin, William Ruhl, Harry Cheshire, Sherry Hall, Thomas Browne Henry, Stuart Holmes and Bob Perry. Screenwriter Reid (married to silent star Wallace Reid) was also known as Dorothy Davenport.

IMPLANT See: THEY

IMPOSTOR (clone) (2001 US) D/P: GARY FLEDER W: CAROLINE CASE/EHREN KRUGER/DAVID N. TWOHY/ SCOTT ROSENBERG (adaption) P: MARTY KATZ/DANIEL LUPI/GARY SINISE In the year 2079, the Earth is at war with Alpha Centauri and diseased derelicts live in bombed-out cities. On the other side of the tracks Gary Sinise is a weapons designer for the ministry of defence who’s married to doctor Madeline Stowe. Vincent D’Onofrio is a special government agent who accuses Sinise of in fact being an enemy replicant of himself, sent by the Alpha Centaurians with a bomb in his chest for the Governor (Lindsay Crouse). Sinise escapes interrogation and goes on the run in this very good Philip K. Dick adaption. It’s based on his short story The Impostor. With Meki Phifer, Tony Shalhoub, Tim Guinee, Elizabeth Pena, Gary Dourdan, Shane Brolly, Scott Burkholder, Erica Gimpel, Ted King, Ivana Milicevil, Diane Mizota, Adam Rodriguez, Kimberly Scott, Rosalind Chao, Phil Hawn and brief bits from Clarence Williams III and Tracey Walter. Rosenberg wrote THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU’RE DEAD for Fleder. Twohy was the Writer/director of PITCH BLACK. Kruger wrote ARLINGTON ROAD, SCREAM 3, REINDEER GAMES and the US version of THE RING.

IN A GLASS CAGE (tras e cristal) (1986 SPN) D/W: AGUSTI VILLARONGA P: TERESA ENRICH A former Nazi war criminal Surgeon (Gunter Meisner), who’s seen whipping a boy hanging in the basement of an old Spanish villa, suffers from a near-fatal fall and ends up incapacitated in an iron lung. David Sust is a young man who knows who he is, and turns up under the guise of a nurse. Claiming “I love death”, he gets more and more out of control while luring young boys back to make Meisner watch him inject them in the heart with petroleum. A unique, disturbing feature shot in muted colours that achieves a remarkable, culminative ambiance for viewers willing to sit through the nastier scenes. What it all means may be difficult to convey, but it’s much more than arty shock tactics. With Marisa Paredes.

IN BED WITH THE ENEMY (female ninjas: in bed with the enemy; kunoichi ninpou: kannon biraki) (1976 JPN) D: TAKAYUKI MIYAGAWA This interesting and entertaining time capsule sex comedy chambara has three female ninjas investigating a gold robbery on behalf of the emperor. It involves lots of undercover work with nudity and magic. One of the funniest scenes involves a vagina clamp move on a man’s dick during sex, and he decides to run off without it! The psychedelic finale with lots of floating bubbles looks great. At just over an hour it’s never boring, and must have influenced the later FEMALE NINJAS series.

INCENSE FOR THE DAMNED (blood suckers; doctors wear scarlet; freedom seekers) (1970 UK) D: ROBERT HARTFORD-DAVIS W: JULIAN MORE P: GRAHAM HARRIS Unsuccessful but somewhat curious time capsule vampire movie, from the director of CORRUPTION, is based on a novel called Doctors Wear Scarlet by Simon Raven. Friends of a missing foreign secretary’s son (Patrick Mower) go to Greece to find him, after reports have him cavorting with the “jet set”, in particular a mysterious woman who has an inscrutable hold on him. Could it be a “vampire” cult? The locations are nice, but the action is quite boring until we get to Edward Woodward talking about vampirism not as a supernatural phenomenon, but as a sexual perversion and transmittable disease (pre-SHIVERS). I also like the freak-out psych rock during a dated trip/orgy optical FX sequence, and the ending. With Patrick Macnee, Peter Cushing, David Lodge and Francoise Pascal. Not recommended to casual viewers, but vintage Brit horror fans may find it of worth, and certainly different. The Redemption print (as BLOOD SUCKERS) runs 83 mins, the longest available. But Davis (who disowned it) claimed it was never even finished. It was shot in ’69.

THE INCIDENT (1967 US) D: LARRY PEERCE W: NICHOLAS E. BAEHR P: MONROE SACHISON/EDWARD MEADOW Young hoodlums Tony Musante and Martin Sheen (in his feature debut) terrorise an assortment of people on a late-night NYC subway train in this great, hard-hitting thriller/social problem drama that seems to have been largely forgotten over the years. It must have inspired parts of THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE. Incredibly, the extremely realistic carriage interior scenes were filmed on a set (other exterior shots were stolen with hidden cameras, after the disapproving Transit Authority didn’t find the screenplay to be a good advert for their service). With Beau Bridges, Brock Peters, Ruby Dee, Jack Gilford, Thelma Ritter, Jan Sterling, Donna Mills and Ed McMahon. The great b/w cinematography is by Gerald Hirschfeld, and the cool, exciting instrumental music by Terry Knight. Apparently it’s based on a 1963 tv production called RIDE TO TERROR.

THE INCIDENT See: CHERRY FALLS

INCIDENT AT RAVEN’S GATE See: ENCOUNTER AT RAVEN’S GATE

INCIDENT AT OWL CREEK BRIDGE See: AN OCCURENCE AT OWL CREEK BRIDGE

INCREDIBLE DEATH KICK MASTER See: THE INVINCIBLE KUNG FU LEGS

INCREDIBLE DRAGON See: DEADLY STRIKE

THE INCREDIBLE HULK (1977 US) D/W/P: KENNETH JOHNSON W: RICHARD CHRISTIAN MATHESON/ THOMAS E. SZOLLOSI P: CHUCK BOWMAN Bill Bixby experiments with gamma rays and turns into mean, green Lou Ferringo (who scared the shit out of me as a small kid) in times of stress in this tv series pilot based on the Marvel Comics books. With Susan Sullivan, Jack Colvin, Sondra Currie and Don Keefer. I no longer find Ferrigno scary, and in retrospect it was pretty regular tv material. Sequels followed.

INCREDIBLE KUNG FU MISSION (kung fu commandoes; shi xiong shi di zhai chu ma) (1979 TAI) D: CHEUNG SAN YEE P: LAM TIEN HUNG John Liu (demonstrating his usual show-off leg fighting style) is hired to train a five-man team of rascals to penetrate a fort and rescue a revolutionary held prisoner there. Fairly standard kung fu fare is elevated above average by Robert Tai’s always inventive choreography. Tai also plays the villain. With Alan Chui Chung San, Alexender Lo Rei, Ngai Ping Ngo and Wong Chi Sang.

INCREDIBLE MASTER BEGGARS See: MY 12 KUNG FU KICKS

THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1978 US) D/W: WILLIAM SACHS P: SAMUEL W. GELFMAN An astronaut (Alex Rebar) returns to Earth after a space flight and begins to melt in hospital. This makes him crazy and he escapes to go on a killing rampage. Somehow Sachs stretches this out to feature length. The most memorable part is when a fisherman’s ripped-off head floats down a river and over a waterfall, splatting on the rocks below. When a guy finds a mutilated body, the cop on the scene tells him to go away without questioning him! The gooey FX (which gave it an X certificate and were often cut out) are by Rick Baker. Mostly dull but oddly endearing update of FIRST MAN INTO SPACE/ QUATERMASS XPERIMENT with ideas copied from THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON. It’s hard to imagine that anyone was offended by this. With Burr De Benning, Myron Healey, Michael Aldredge, Cheryl Smith, producer Gelfman and future director Jonathan Demme! There was also a novelisation. Rebar later wrote the script for the awful DEMENTED.

THE INCREDIBLE PARIS INCIDENT (how to steal the crown of england; come rubare la corona d’inghilterra) (1967 ITL) D: “TERENCE HATHAWAY” (SERGIO GRIECO) W: DINO VERDE/VINCENZO FLAMINI P: EDMONDO AMATI Robert Browne is Sir Reginald Hoover, aka Argoman, a superhero with incredible telekinetic powers (his eyes glow while exercising these powers), fancy gadgets (radioactive cigarettes for tracking people) and a cheesy yellow costume. Dominique Boschero is the self-proclaimed “Queen of the world” who seduces him (y’see, Argoman loses his powers for six hours after sex) so she can steal a diamond or something. This cheap and ridiculous adventure is mostly slow-going with little action, but it does have some fun moments of lunacy that make it worthwhile for Eurotrash fans. I liked the clunky robot best. With “Dick Palmer” (Mimmo Palmara), Eduardo Fajardo, Tom Felleghy and Mirella Pamphili. Despite location photography showing London and France, it was filmed in Rome. It doesn’t have anything to do with the SUPERARGO movies.

THE INCREDIBLE PRAYING MANTIS See: THE DEADLY MANTIS

INCREDIBLE SHAOLIN THUNDERKICK (1978? S.KOR) D: “GODFREY HO” W: “HOWARD SZETO” P: “TOMAS TANG” “Ho” is lucky that he could get Eagle Han to co-star in and choreograph many of his shitty films, otherwise all he’d be left with is that bumbling man-child Elton Chong (here billed as “Benny Tsui”). In this crap, Chong/Tsui is castrated (“smash his manhood into pulp!”), dresses and acts like a woman and performs drunken kung fu after drinking too much water (!!). The theme tune seems straight out of a 70s Brit sex comedy and the print is way too dark.

THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN (1957 US) D: JACK ARNOLD W: RICHARD MATHESON/ RICHARD ALAN SIMMONS P: ALBERT ZUGSMITH It’s never explained exactly how, but Grant Williams begins to gradually shrink smaller and smaller after floating his boat through a radioactive cloud in this b/w sci-fi classic. He ends up living in a doll’s house and is terrorised by the pet cat that results in him being knocked into the basement, a terrifying world for his miniature self. A giant (to him) spider becomes his nemesis in exciting scenes. A must. With William Schallert and Billy Curtis. Based on Matheson’s novel. When I was a kid a friend tried to convince me that he’d seen a rare longer version in which Williams was run over by a skateboard at the end! Remade as THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING WOMAN (1981).

THE INCREDIBLE SPECIAL AGENT (the spy dad; chuet chung tit gam gong; jue zhong tie jin gang) (2003 HK) D/W/P: WONG JING Tony Leung is an actor known for playing James Bond, separated from his Hollywood actress wife and with two young daughters (including Gillian Chung). Two Interpol agents (Jordan Chan and the very sexy Tien Pu Jun) are after international criminal Elvis Tsui, and a Dr. No spoof criminal (Eric Kot Man Fai) who’s developed a new drug that regresses the user to an infant state. Chan takes the drug and ends up in Leung’s care in this typically ridiculous and grating Wong Jing comedy adventure. Spoofs include Bruce Lee, UINVERSAL SOLDIER and MATRIX RELOADED. With Chapman To Man Chat, Edison Chen, Michael Chan Wai Man, Tats Lau Yi-Dat and Baat Leung Gam.

THE INCREDIBLE TORTURE SHOW See: BLOOD SUCKING FREAKS

THE INCREDIBLE TRANSPANT See: THE INCREDIBLE 2-HEADED TRANSPLANT

THE INCREDIBLE 2-HEADED TRANSPLANT (the incredible transplant) (1971 US) D: ANTHONY M. LANZA W/P: JOHN LAWRENCE W: JAMES GORDON WHITE Scientist Bruce Dern is working in animal head transplants. He’s got a two-headed monkey, fox, rabbit and snake. When an escaped convict breaks into his house and is killed, he gets the chance to work on humans. The psycho’s head is grafted onto the shoulder of a simpleton gardener. The creature roams the countryside attacking people (including some bikers). Fun AIP nonsense co-stars voice actor Casey Kasem and Pat Priest (Marilyn in THE MUNSTERS tv show). With Don Brodie. See also THE THING WITH TWO HEADS. Lanza also made THE GLORY STOMPERS and edited Ray Dennis Steckler movies.

THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED UP ZOMBIES!!? (diabolical dr. voodoo; the incredibly mixed up zombie; the teenage psycho meets bloody mary) (1963 US) D/P: RAY DENNIS STECKLER W: GENE POLLOCK/ ROBERT SILLIPHANT/F.M. KEVKE It’ll never live up to its reputation but this is actually a pretty good horror movie with some memorable moments and a great carnival atmosphere. Steckler (as Cash Flagg) is the tough tearaway teen who’s hypnotised by a fortune-teller into becoming a programmable killing machine. Her other acid scarred zombies invade one of the many musical routines. With Carolyn Brandt and Titus Moody. Vilmos Zsigmond was the camera operator.

INCUBUS (1965 US) D/W: LESLIE STEVENS P: ANTHONY M. TAYLOR Considered a lost movie for many years, someone eventually unearthed the world’s only movie filmed completely in Esperanto (an attempt at an international language that never took off), and it stars William Shatner! In an undetermined place and time period (countryside near the sea), succubi lure men to their deaths. But one of the beautiful young females falls for Shatner, who lives on a farm with his sister. As revenge for this reversal of power, the Succubi resurrect Incubus (Milos Milos) who attacks Shatner’s sister (blinded by a solar eclipse) and eventually turns into a goat monster at the end. Please beware that I have made this talky, pretentious oddity sound much more interesting than it actually is. Imagine the worst Ingmar Bergman movie, with supernatural elements, misplaced experimental 60s camera angles and Shatner, but without any human interest or insight. Too boring to be a worthwhile “art” movie and definitely not a runner in the world of exploitation, it’s not hard to see why it went unseen for so many years. The only time any real atmosphere is generated, it’s due to a combination of Conrad C. Hall and Charles Rosher Jr.’s excellent b/w cinematography and the music by Dominic Frontiere. Milos’ only other credit was THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING, THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING (1966). He’s most famous for shooting Mickey Rooney’s wife (whom he was having an affair with) before turning the gun on himself. More worthwhile Shatner obscurities are IMPULSE (1974) and WHITE COMANCHE.

INCUBUS (1981 CAN) D: JOHN HOUGH W: GEORGE FRANKLIN P: MARC BOYMAN/JOHNNY M. ECKERT A small Wisconsin town is the site of several brutal sex murders. The cops are looking for a gang of rapists, but a troubled single parent doctor (John Cassavettes, who’s excellent) thinks that the load of red semen found inside the victims is from one man. His teen daughter’s boyfriend’s crazed dreams seem to have something to do with it. Filmed in Ontario and Toronto, this underrated horror has suspense, gore, a dog impaled by a pitchfork, the group Samson (with Bruce Dickinson) and a genuinely unexpected shocker ending. There are also visible boom mics. John Ireland is the sheriff. It’s based on a novel by Ray Russell (MR. SARDONICUS, X: THE MAN WITH X-RAY EYES).

IN DEADLY HEAT See: STUFF STEPHANIE IN THE INCINERATOR

INDEPENDENCE DAY (1996 US) D/W: ROLAND EMMERICH W/P: DEAN DEVLIN Unfriendly aliens come to Earth (well, America) in a huge mothership (with little saucers inside) and destroy major cities. Will Smith stars as a brave fighter pilot who saves the world along with Jeff Goldblum, Randy Quaid and Bill Pullman (the President). This expensive big deal production was slated by many who don’t like brainless Hollywood sci-fi action, but it’s a surprisingly good, old-fashioned earth vs aliens movie. With Judd Hirsch, Robert Loggia, Mary McDonell, Harvey Fierstein, Devon Gummersall, Vivicia A. Fox, James Rebhorn, Alan Baldwin, Brent Spiner, James Duval, Bill Smitrovich, Harry Connnick Jr., Mae Whitman, Frank Novak, Raphael Sbarge, Dan Lauria, Jay Acovone, John Capodice, Greg Collins, Barbara Bach, Sharon Tay, Wendy L. Walsh, Ernie Anastos, Rance Howard, Kevin Cooney, Andrew Keegan, Jerry Dunphy, Barry Nolan, George Putnam, Bob Friend, Julie Moran, Giuseppe Andrews, Erick Avari and Devlin. Emmerich and Devlin collaborated on the ill-conceived GODILLA remake next.

INDESTRUCTIBLE MAN (1956 US) D/W: JACK POLLEXFEN W: SUE BRADFORD/VY RUSSELL Convicted criminal Butcher Benton (Lon Chaney Jr.) is put to death in the electric chair and is later revived with electricity by a scientist who acquires his corpse illegally. Chaney becomes a vengeance-seeking invincible entity with accelerated cellular mass and superstrength. A cop narrates DRAGNET-style as he follows Chaney’s trail of corpses (the cohorts who framed him). This b/w favourite is solid and enjoyable if you don’t buy the hype that very often overrates it. With Ross Elliott, Stuart Randall, Robert Foulk, Robert Shayne, Roy Engel, some nice LA location photography and some footage (and ideas) stolen from the classic HE WALKED BY NIGHT. Pollexfen wrote a few movies for Edgar G. Ulmer, and he, Bradford and Russell all wrote MONSTROSITY.

INDIAN ZOMBIE See: THE DARK POWER

IN DREAMS (1999 US) D/W: NEIL JORDAN W: BRUCE ROBINSON P: STEPHEN WOOLEY/CHARLES BURKE Annette Bening is an illustrator for children’s books who’s plagued with dreams of a child killer on the loose (Robert Downey Jr.). The dreams are images of past and future events (that come true). Following the murder of her own little girl (and later her husband Aidan Quinn), she’s locked up in a mental asylum and her behaviour becomes increasingly obsessive. A psycho thriller that is gripping, intriguing, thought-provoking and utterly entertaining doesn’t come along that often, so IN DREAMS is essential viewing. Don’t let my review and the fact that it did badly at the box office put you off seeing this. The Irish Jordan made it after his brilliant THE BUTCHER BOY. With Stephen Rea, Paul Guilfoyle, Margo Martindale and Michael Cavanaugh. It’s based on Bari Woods’ novel Doll’s Eyes. Woods also wrote the book that Cronenberg’s DEAD RINGERS was based on.

I NEVER HAD A FLYING DREAM See: A PAUCITY OF FLYING DREAMS

IN EXILE (exile; time runner) (1992 US CAN) D/W: MICHAEL MAZO W/P: JOHN A. CURTIS W: CHRIS HYDE/RON TARRANT/IAN BRAY/GREG DEROCHIE P: LLOYD A. SIMANDL Mark Hamill takes a space pod from the future (where Brion James is President!) and travels back thirty years to avert some kind of war (I think), TERMINATOR-style. Scientist Rae Dawn Chong helps him. Sleep-inducing parade of shoot-outs, chases etc. With Rachel Hayward. Simandl also did second unit work.

INFECTED (2010) See: THE TERROR EXPERIMENT

INFERNAL AFFAIRS (I want to be with you; miu gaan diy; wu jian dao) (2002 HK) D/W: ALAN MAK D/P: ANDREW LAU W: FELIX CHONG Tony Leung is an undercover cop who has earned the respect of gangster Eric Tsang (in one of his finest roles). Andy Lau is one of Tsang’s men on the inside of the police force, in fact a high-ranking Internal Affairs detective. This megahit cops‘n’robbers drama moves at a stately pace, providing a low-key character-fuelled soap groove rather than thrills. It works best in its place as a part of a trilogy, rather than a standalone feature. With Edison Chen, Kelly Chan, Sammi Cheng, Shaun Yue, Chapman To and Courtney Wu. Danny Pang was an editor. Mainland China had a different, ill-advised ending (which I can’t elaborate on without revealing a spoiler).

INFERNAL AFFAIRS 2 (miu gaan diy 2; wu jian dao 2) (2003 HK) D/P: ANDREW LAU D/W: ALAN MAK W: FELIX CHONG Edison Chen is the younger version of Andy Lau’s character and Shaun Yue is Tony Leung’s in this engrossing prequel (beginning in 1991) that really delivers an epic feel. Superintendent Anthony Wong and Eric Tsang are both excellent, underplaying their characters while also adding depth and resonance to their motivations. With Franci Ng, Carina Lau, Roy Cheung, Teddy Chen, Chapman To, Joe Cheung, Kara Hui and Bey Logan.

INFERNAL AFFAIRS 3 (miu gaan diy chung gik miu gaan; wu jian dao zhong ji wu jian) (2003 HK) D/P: ANDREW LAU WAI-KEUNG W/P: ALAN MAK SIU-FAI W: FELIX CHONG MAN KEUNG P: GO FUNG JUN This convoluted cop’n’robbers drama that jumps back and forth in time won’t make much sense as a stand alone feature, but it’s a fine end to an excellent trilogy that deserved to rule the HK box office the first few years of the new millennium. With the regulars, plus Leon Lai Ming and Vincent Wan. The series was remade in the US by Martin Scorsese as THE DEPARTED.

INFERNO (1960) See: JIGOKU

INFERNO (1979 ITL) D/W: DARIO ARGENTO P: CLAUDIO ARGENTO Argento’s follow up to SUSPIRIA is almost a classic of sustained atmosphere and hypnotic dreamlike narrative (aided by cinematography from Romano Albani). The reason why it doesn’t quite make the grade is mainly because the never coherent story (about a search for the tomb of “the mother of darkness” in New York City) oversteps its boundary when it comes to illogicalities (the architecture is as implausible as in THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS!) and not letting the viewer in on the secret. From here on in, no matter how many impressively choreographed sequences that marry editing and sound manipulation there are (and there are a lot), most people just won’t care. Argento is lucky he has as many fans as he does considering how often he fucks up his own obvious talent with this approach. A lack of self-awareness of its own absurdity is also crippling for me. It’s also worth noting that it’s not as gory as Argento’s notoriety would suggest. Leigh McCloskey stars. With Alida Valli, Daria Nicolodi and narration from Argento (I’m guessing in the Italian version). Uncredited second unit director Mario Bava also provided some of the FX (not long before his death). Lamberto Bava was assistant director. The very Goblin-like soundtrack is actually by Keith Emerson (Verdi is also heard a lot). Years later things got much, much worse with the trilogy-concluding MOTHER OF TEARS.

INFERNO (desert heat; coyote moon) (1999 US) D: JOHN G. AVILDSEN W: TOM O’ROURKE P: EVZEN KESLAR/JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME/LAURENCE LEVY/SAMUEL HADIDA (uncredited) It’s not very good, but this Van Damme vehicle is more watchable than most because it’s pretty ridiculous. Here he’s a suicidal drifter in the desert who saves a small town filled with oddball characters from rednecks running a protection racket. Danny Trejo is his Native Indian friend. With Pat Morita, Larry Drake, Vincent Schiavelli (as an Asian Indian!), David Fralick, Jaime Pressly, Bill Erwin, Ford Rainey, Paul Koslo, Jeff Kober, Gregory Scott Cummins, and complete with boring slo-mo martial arts, gunplay and confused comic relief. Joseph Merhi was an executive producer.

INFERNO OF TORTURE (tokugawa irezumi shi: seme jigoku) (1969 JPN) D/W: TERUO ISHII W: MASAHIRO KAKEFUDA P: SHIGERU OKADA/KANJI AMAO Fifth in the Toei series that began with TOKUGAWA: WOMEN GENEALOGY. Two rival tattoo artists of great skill (Teruo Yoshida as the hero, Asao Koike the bad guy of course) are to compete for the position of their master’s place, and the hand of his daughter in marriage (Masumi Tachibana, who’s in love with Yoshida). They practice on the skin of prostitutes at a brothel, run by mean pasty faced Haruo Tanaka. Tanaka has his girls tortured, tied-up and whipped, before selling them at auction to villainous foreigners in the cosmopolitan red-light district of Nagasaki. That’s the main skeleton of the story, but the episodic structure also takes in many remarkable scenes of historical death sentences, often involving crucifixion. In particular, the amazing, climactic scene of matazaki (that’s when someone is split in two). It’s pretty entertaining stuff, an exploitation film done properly, and seriously (bar the comic relief men in drag, three once-famous comedians I believe). With Yukie Kagawa (later in Toei’s SPIDER-MAN tv series), Junijiro Yanagi, Tooru Yuri, Akira Ooizumi as a Chinaman, Eiji Wakazuki and Kichijiro Ueda. Shot by Motoya Washyo, and with a score from Masao Yagi. The series continued with LOVE AND CRIME.

INFESTED (1993) See: TICKS

INFLATABLE SEX DOLLS OF THE WASTELAND (dutch wife in the desert: koya no dutch wife) (1967 JPN) D/W: ATSUSHI YAMATOYA P: TERUI YAMOTO Extremely bizarre, cyclical b/w hard-boiled detective story reworking doesn’t really make much sense, but is quite engagingly surreal for the most part, when it quite easily could have just disappeared up its own arse. A private detective is hired to investigate a snuff movie in which a businessman’s girl is raped and killed. That’s how the story starts at least, I’ll let you interpret the rest as you see fit. “Dutch wife” is a Japanese euphemism for an inflatable sex doll, by the way. I’m sure there’s a reason for this, but I don’t know what it is. INFLATABLE was shot back to back with LOVE’S MILKY DROPS.

INFRAMAN (the infra superman; chinese superman; the super inframan; zhong guo chao ren; chung gwok chiu yan) (1975 HK) D: HUA SHAN W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW When Princess Dragon Mom and her men-in-monster-suits from inner Earth attack, Danny Lee must wear a nuclear-powered exo-skeleton (designed by Wang Hsieh) to become Inframan. Chinese version of the Japanese KAMEN RIDER and ULTRAMAN is fun with cool monster villains (octopus mutant, laser horn monster, the iron fist robots and my personal favourite, the driller beast) and a quick pace that doesn’t let you get bored of the rubber wrestling. Tang Chia was the action choreographer, although this isn’t the best example of his work (he’s choreographed many kung fu classics and directed one of his own, the underrated IRON FINGERS OF DEATH). Director Hua Shan also co-helmed FLYING GUILLOTINE 2. Ho Meng Hua directed the original FLYING GUILLOTINE which could explain why he’s often miscredited with directing INFRAMAN. Oh, and don’t forget to look out for Bruce Le!

THE INFRA SUPERMAN See: INFRAMAN

THE INGLORIOUS BASTARDS (hell’s heroes; deadly mission; g.i. bro; counterfeit commandos; quel maledetto treno blindato) (1977 ITL) D: ENZO G. CASTELLARI W: SANDRO CONTINENZA/SERGIO GRIECO/FRANCO MAROTTA/ROMANO MIGLIORINI/ LAURA TOSCANO En route to a stockade, American GIs in WWII era Europe escape and head for Switzerland. But before they can get away they find themselves reluctantly pulling off a dangerous mission that involves capturing a Nazi train. Bo Svenson and Fred Williamson star in this ok but thoroughly routine war action adventure. With Michel Constantin, Ian Bannen, Joshua Sinclair, Donald O’Brien and Massimo Vanni. Note that Williamson does some of his own (fairly impressive) stunts.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (2009 US GER) D/W: QUENTIN TARANTINO P: LAWRENCE BENDER Episodic, long (over 150 mins) but fun and always entertaining homage to the WWII men-on-a-mission movie (as the misspelt title would suggest) is curiously nothing like the films that inspired it. Brad Pitt is Aldo Raine, an Army Colonel leading a squad of Jewish-Americans who kill and scalp Nazis. Meanwhile Melanie Laurent is a Parisian cinema owner (and secret Jew in occupied territory) with a chance for a great revenge. Christoph Waltz walks off with the film as a talkative, multilingual “Jew hunter”. With Eli Roth (who directed the film-within-a-film segment), Michael Fassbender, Diane Kruger, Til Schweiger, Daniel Bruhl, Mike Myers, Greg Nicotero (who oversaw the gore FX), Rod Taylor as Winston Churchill, Julie Dreyfus, Bo Svenson, Enzo G. Castellari and the voices of Samuel L. Jackson and Harvey Keitel. Maggie Cheung and Cloris Leachman were cut out. It has all the expected visual and audio homages you would expect from a Tarantino film if you go looking. Shot in Germany.

IN HELL (hell; the savage; the shu) (2003 US) D: RINGO LAM W: JORGE ALVAREZ/ERIC JAMES VIRGETS/ STEVE LATSHAW (uncredited)/LES WELDON (uncredited) P: DANNY LERNER/JOHN THOMPSON/DAVID VAROD American architect Jean-Claude Van Damme shoots dead the man who got away with killing his wife (Marnie Alton) in Russia and ends up in a corrupt Hell on Earth Soviet prison. He becomes a crazed fight champion and eventually escapes to tell the world about the place. I guess it’s based on a true story, but that doesn’t make it any more interesting than your usual crappy Van Damme vehicle. With Lawrence Taylor, Juan Fernandez, Michael Bailey Smith, Robert La Sardo and Atanas Srebev. It was filmed in Bulgaria.

INHUMANOID See: CIRCUIT BREAKER

THE INITIATION (1984 US) D: LARRY STEWART W: CHARLES PRATT JR. P: SCOTT WINANT Daphne Zuniga is a college girl from a wealthy family who has a recurring dream about a room on fire. Someone kills her friends during an initiation break-in at a big department store owned by her father (Clu Gulager). The surprise ending is very silly, and this movie is very boring. With Vera Miles. I found it quite amusing that one of the dorm girls had a poster of Tom Selleck on her wall.

THE INNER PALACE CONSPIRACY (oboro kago) (1950 JPN) D: DAISUKE ITO W: YOSHIKATA YODA P: KOICHIRO OGURA A lady-in-waiting and main rival to another courtesan for the position of Shogun’s Head Mistress is murdered, and her innocent childhood friend (and disgraced Samurai, who refuses to kill himself) is framed. Tsuamasaburo Bando stars as a handsome, drunken, awkward yet heroic priest sleuth in this 18th century murder mystery, with great b/w photography from Hideo Ishimoto, and a score courtesy of Seiichi Suzuki. It’s good antiestablishment entertainment, but a little long at over 90 mins, not seeming to know when to quit. With Kinuyo Tanaka, Isuzu Yamada, Ryonosuke Tsukigata, Kenji Sada, Daisuke Kato and Koji Mitsui. Based on Jiro Osaragi’s novel. Ito directed from the silents to the early 70s, and died in 1981.

INNOCENCE See: GHOST IN THE SHELL 2

THE INNOCENT AND THE DAMNED See: GIRLS TOWN

THE INNOCENTS (1961 UK) D/P: JACK CLAYTON W: WILLIAM ARCHIBALD/TRUMAN CAPOTE/JOHN MORTIMER Deborah Kerr is the new governess at a huge country estate where she’s hired to care for a girl and a boy (Martin Stephens from VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED) on behalf of their absent playboy uncle Michael Redgrave. Skeletons in the closet have manifested themselves as menacing spirits that only Kerr seems to be aware of. Henry James’ novel The Turn Of The Screw has been filmed under that title several times (and there’s also THE HAUNTING OF HELEN WALKER (1995) and 1999’s PRESENCE OF MIND), but never as effectively as this. Genuinely eerie, helped by Freddie Francis’ marvellous b/w photography and great acting (including Megs Jenkins as the housekeeper). Michael Winner followed with a prequel to the story, THE NIGHTCOMERS (1971).

THE INN OF EVIL (at the risk of my life; inochi bonifuro) (1971 JPN) D: MASAKI KOBAYASHI W: RYU TOMOE P: MASAYUKI SATO/GINNICHI KISHIMOTO/ HIDEYUKI SHIINO A small island between castle moats is home to an inn frequented by only rogues, criminals and thugs. Some law enforcement agents want to infiltrate the place to get their hands on smuggled goods. This complex b/w period thriller based on a novel by Shugero Yamamoto (as were KILL! and SANJURO) does have its (culminative) moments, but is overall too slow-moving, and can’t rate alongside the best of underrated director Kobayashi’s work (SEPPUKU, KWAIDAN). Tatsuya Nakadai stars, with Komaki Kurihara, Wakako Sakai, Shigeru Koyama, Kei Sato, Shintaro Katsu, Shin Kishida, Masao Mishima and Ichiro Nakaya.

THE INQUISITOR See: THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM (1990)

INSANITY (hollywood 90028; the hollywood hillside strangler; twisted throats) (1973 US) D/P: CHRISTINA HORNISHER W: CRAIG HANSEN This barely released obscurity is usually advertised as a horror movie. It’s not. A lonely cinematographerwannabe called Mark shoots seedy porno flicks in Hollywood. He meets a model called Michelle and they hang out while her man’s away and spout pretentious dialogue. At one point Mark drives another kooky girl to the beach and strangles her in a rented rowboat. Michelle eventually ends up dead, too. This talky but curiously watchable oddity end with a remarkable shot of Mark hanging himself from the Hollywood sign, as the camera pans back high above the sprawling city. A curiosity for those in search of unique art/trash crossovers that have slipped through the cracks. Neither Hornisher or Hansen are credited with anything else.

INSATIABLE See: THE CALENDAR GIRL MURDERS

INSECT WOMAN See: THE WASP WOMAN (1960)

INSEMINOID (horror planet) (1980 UK HK) D: NORMAN J. WARREN W: NICK and GLORIA MALEY P: RICHARD GORDON/DAVID SPEECHLEY “Sir Run Run Shaw presents” this ALIEN-inspired sci-fi horror filmed in Chislehurst Caves in Kent. A team of astronauts are excavating a tomb under the surface of a cold planet. Judy Geeson is raped by an alien (there’s a trippy nightmare sex scene involving a long transparent phallus full of eggs!), gets pregnant and becomes a crazed cannibal killer who offs crew members. It has a cult following, but is pretty dull with no real gore to speak of. Jennifer Ashley is the (American) captain, with Stephanie Beacham, Victoria Tennant and Robert Hugh (his feature debut). I recommend watching Warren’s much better PREY instead. This was the last feature produced by Gordon.

INSIDE AMY See: SWINGER’S MASSACRE

INSIDE ANNIE SPRINKLE (deep inside annie sprinkle) (1981 US) D/W: ANNIE SPRINKLE P: HOWARD A. HOWARD Adult movie star Annie Sprinkle tells us a little bit about herself and her family before teaching us how to lick a man’s ass, demonstrating female ejaculation, having lesbian sex and turning up at a grindhouse for an Annie Sprinkle film festival. With Ron Jeremy.

INSIDER See: THE BLUE EYED BANDIT

THE INSIDERS See: POLICEWOMEN

INSOMNIA (1997 NOR) D/W: ERIK SKJOLDBJAERG W: NIKOLAJ FROBENIUS P: TOMAS BACKSTROM/ PETER J. BORGLI/TOM REMLOV Stellan Skarsgard stars as a homicide detective suffering from severe lack of sleep while investigating a murder in Norway during the midnight sun period (24-hour daylight). But the killer soon has something on him in this way above average thriller that benefits from fine performances, tight direction and an air of sleep-deprived desperation. The final image is great. With Sverre Anker Ousdal and Bjorn Floberg.

INSOMNIA (2002 US) D: CHRISTOPHER NOLAN W: HILLARY SEITZ P: JOHN FORMICHELLA/BRODERICK JOHNSON/PAUL JUNGER WITT/ANDREW A. KOSOVE/ EDWARD McDONNELL This decent Hollywood remake stars Al Pacino as an experienced celebrity LA cop investigating a murder in night-deprived Alaska. Robin Williams is the killer who knows something that complicates matters. With Hilary Swank (THE NEXT KARATE KID), Martin Donovan, Maura Tierney, Emily Perkins, Paul Dooley, Nicky Katt, Jonathan Jackson, Jay Brazeau and Ian Tracey. Steven Soderbergh and George Clooney were executive producers. From the director of MEMENTO.

INSPECTOR GADGET (go! go! gadget) (1999 US) D: DAVID KELLOGG W: KERRY EHRIN/ZAK PENN/DANA OLSEN P: JORDAN KERNER/ROGER BIRNBAUM/ ANDY HEYWARD Matthew Broderick stars in this live-action version of the animated tv series created by Heyward, Jean Chalopin and Bruno Bianchi. He’s a security guard who’s blown up and reconstructed as a MASK-inspired robot (in a trenchcoat) with extendable neck, arms, legs, a helicopter hat and more. He also has a hi-speed gadget filled super car (with an annoying personality that’s supposed to be cool). Rupert Everett is all wrong as the villain Claw (originally called Dr. Doom) who has a claw for a hand and creates an evil Gadget replica (also Broderick). There’s some fun to be had in this Disney movie (for kids especially) and the Stan Winston animatronic FX are great, but it’s overkill for the most part. It was nice to see Richard Kiel and Mr. T in a brief scene during the end credits, though. With Dabney Coleman, Rene Auberjonois, Joely Fisher, Andy Dick, Michelle Trachtenberg, Cheri Oteri, Frances Bay, J. P. Manoux, William Smith, Don Adams and Phil Hawn. There was a direct-to-tv sequel.

INSTANT JUSTICE (marine issue) (1986 US) D/W/P: CRAIG T. RUMAR Michael Pare is a marine sergeant who avenges his sister’s death in Madrid. With Tawny Kitaen, Charles Napier, Aldo Sambrell, Manuel de Blas and Luis Barboo. Pretty uneventful stuff filmed in Gibraltar.

THE INSTANT KUNG FU MAN (kung fu man; saap aan gung foo; sha yan gong fu) (1977 HK) D: DONG JAN WOO W: LE LU GUE P: LEE MAN YUE Yeh Fei Tang plays twins, one good one bad. The good one is an impatient Shaolin student with below-par fighting skills who tricks his way out past the wooden men. Once in town, he’s mistaken for the bad brother, a kung fu expert and crook. He’s instantly respected for skills he doesn’t have and enemies come out of the woodwork, Including leg-fighter extraordinaire Hwang Jang Lee. John Liu, another impressive leg-fighter also figures in this enjoyable, silly kung fu comedy (complete with a much used rendition of Old Dixie on the soundtrack) that’s a must for Liu and Hwang fans. With Cory Yuen and Yuen Yat Choh. Choreography by Yuen Woo Ping, Yuen Cheung and Cory Yuen.

THE INSTRUCTOR (1983 US) D/W/P: DON BENDELL In this unwatchable, coma-inducing zero-budget action movie, a short karate instructor battles street punks (who fight with swords and trash can lid shields), a rival school and gangsters. A guy who sometimes sneaks around in a Ninja outfit steals a trophy from a martial arts tournament, there are car and motorbike chases and the hero goes to jail for a little bit but is released in the happy ending. Bendell appears as Thunder Rhodes. A waste of space.

INSTRUCTORS OF DEATH (the martial club; miu goon; wu guan) (1981 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW/MONA FONG Gordon Liu Chia Hui is Wong Fei Hung in this lesser Liu Chia Liang movie. But that’s not to say it’s not well worth watching, it’s just not quite up there with the likes of 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN or DIRTY HO. The action as always, however, is absolutely first-class. With Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Kara Hui (MY YOUNG AUNTIE), Wilson Tong, Jue Tit Woh, Ku Feng and Robert Mak Tak Law.

INTACTO (2001 SPN) D/W: JUAN CARLOS FRESNADILLO W: ANDRES M. KOPPEL The only survivor of an airline disaster (Leonardo Searaglia) is taken under the wing of Eusebio Poncela, who introduces him to a gambling underworld in which people with extreme good luck pit their fortune against each other for high stakes. The luckiest one wins. Max von Sydow is a Jewish Holocaust survivor at the top of the pyramid. Monica Lopez co-stars as a detective in this arresting and highly original thriller, a real offbeat treat. With Antonio Dechent, Guillermo Toledo and Albert Ponte. Fresnadillo made the better-than-the-original sequel 28 WEEKS LATER (2007) next. I think INTACTO inspired cult favourite (13) TZAMETI (2005) (and its decent 2010 remake).

INTENT TO KILL (1992 US) D/W: CHARLES KANGANIS P: JOSEPH MERHI/RICHARD PEPIN Traci Lords is a tough, above-the-rules cop who battles South American drug-dealers and lots of sexist men in this pretty bad action movie. It’s violent, but boring. With Yaphet Kotto as a police captain (“that makes your butt my breakfast”) and Sam Travolta. Kanganis made A TIME TO DIE (also with Lords) for the same producers the same year.

INTERNATIONAL ASSASSINS See: A QUEEN’S RANSOM

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE: THE VAMPIRE CHRONICLES (1994 US) D: NEIL JORDAN W: ANNE RICE P: DAVID GEFFEN/STEPHEN WOOLLEY This modern gothic horror movie based on Rice’s novel was much better than expected. Christian Slater interviews immortal vampire Brad Pitt in the modernday. His story (told in flashback) begins in 1870s New Orleans when he’s bitten by vampire Tom Cruise (who wore special shoes to appear taller). The bulk of the film takes place in 19th century Paris where vampires stage Grand Guignol-type plays. Kirsten Dunst is a little girl vamp. With Antonio Banderas, Jordan regular Stephen Rea, Thandie Newton, Susan Lynch, Andrew Tiernan and good bloody FX from Stan Winston (although most of his more extreme work was cut for an R rating). It was a hit, so the underappreciated Irish Jordan has had at least one foot in Hollywood ever since. The terrible QUEEN OF THE DAMNED followed in 2002.

IN THE DEVIL’S GARDEN (the devil’s garden; the creepers; satan’s plaything; tower of terror; assault) (1971 UK) D: SIDNEY HAYERS W: JOHN KRUSE P: PETER ROGERS So-so thriller about a manhunt for a rapist/killer who attacks schoolgirls in the woods. Suzy Kendall is an art teacher who helps the cops. With Leslie Anne-Down, Frank Finlay, Freddie Jones, Allan Cuthbertson, David Essex and Marianne Stone. Based on a novel (The Ravine) by Kendal Young. Hayers made the much more interesting NIGHT OF THE EAGLE and CIRCUS OF HORRORS the previous decade, and ended his career with American tv work.

IN THE LIGHT OF THE MOON See: ED GEIN

IN THE LINE OF DUTY 2 (1985) See: POLICE ASSASSINS

IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS (1995 US) D: JOHN CARPENTER W: MICHAEL DE LUCA P: SANDY KING Sam Neill is an insurance claims investigator who’s hired by a publishing company to find the missing Sutter Cane (Jürgen Prochnow with a perm), a horror novelist whose books cause hallucinations and madness. Neill and company editor Julie Carmen go to a small New England town straight out of H.P. Lovecraft to find him. They encounter lots of KNB FX and the promising idea soon goes downhill (and doesn’t make much sense). The story is related in flashback by Neill from his asylum cell to David Warner. Charlton Heston has a small part and John Glover is the asylum head who plays Carpenters songs over the PA system. With Bernie Casey, Peter Jason, Frances Bay, Hayden Christensen, Wilhelm Von Homburg, Kevin Zegers and a scene from ROBOT MONSTER on tv. It has a pretty good ending.

IN THE NAME OF LOVE See: REVOLVER (1972)

IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES (the realm of the senses; empire of the senses; l’empire des sens; ai no corrida) (1976 JPN FRA) D/W: NAGISA OSHIMA P: ANATOLE DAUMAN Tatsuya Fuji is Kichiro and Eiko Matsuda is Sada Abe, lovers who literally can’t stop fucking until death takes one of them in this brilliant portrait of an ever spiraling obsession. Doesn’t really sound like much on paper, but this semi-hardcore slice of good-looking arthouse porn is a true classic. With Taiji Toroyama. Koji Wakamatsu (VIOLATED ANGELS) was the executive producer. The real-life scandal (which happened in the mid-30s) had already been the basis for A WOMAN CALLED SADA ABE (1975) (which this copes in some ways) and a later version (in 1998) was called SADA. Oshima’s lesser-known follow up EMPIRE OF PASSION (1978) is also well worth seeing.

IN THE WOODS (1950) See: RASHOMON

IN THE WOODS (1998 US) D/W/P: LYNN DRZICK A traumatised, alcoholic fireman and his fire chief discover some kind of horned skull in the woods before some unseen thing chases them away. Later on, bodyparts show up around the fireman’s house. Turns out to be the work of a “Devil Dog” (man-in-a-monster-suit). Meanwhile the police arrest another killer who carries severed fingers in his bag. Just before the very end another, more impressive monster turns up and we get a flashback about some ancient sorcerers fighting. The Devil Dog is killed but the other monster is still around at the end. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for enticing anyone to watch this, but it is fascinatingly inept (as well as intensely boring) and the filmmakers seem to have gone out of their way to tell the story in the most roundabout, time-wasting way imaginable, incorporating endless pofaced drama. Odd.

IN THE YEAR 2889 (year 2889) (1967 US) D/P: LARRY BUCHANAN W: HAROLD HOFFMAN/ LOU RUSOFF (uncredited) This is Buchanan’s remake of Corman’s THE DAY THE WORLD ENDED. Characters (including Buchanan regular Bill Thurman) take refuge in an isolated house when the bomb drops. Mutations (with very bad makeup) stalk the woods while the small group bicker and chat. No better than the original, and just as dull.

INTIMATE ENTRY See: FORCED ENTRY

IN TOO DEEP (1993) See: SPANISH ROSE

IN TOO DEEP (1998) See: CLAY PIGEONS

INTO THE FIRE See: “LEGEND” WOLF LODGE

INTO THE MIRROR (geoul sokeuro) (2003 S.KOR) D/W: KIM SEONG-HO P: EUN-YOUNG KIM Ji-tae Yu stars as a traumatised ex-cop working as a security guard at a newly reopened department store (after it was gutted in a fire). People who see their reflection die in gruesome ways. There’s some originality and imagination at work, but it didn’t really gel for me. One of the rare cases when the Hollywood remake (MIRRORS in 2008) would prove to be better (but direct-to-tv sequel MIRRORS 2 [2010] is shit). With Myeong-min Kim (SORUM), Hye-na Kim, Ju-bong Gi, Myeong-su Kim, Yong-jin Lee and Eunpyo Jeong.

INTREPID (deep water) (1999 US) D: JOHN PUTCH W: JAMES MORLEY III/ANDREW STEVENS/“DARBY BLACK” (KEONI WAXMAN) P: KEVIN O’NEILL Cortas Mandylor and his partner have to babysit a naval commander’s daughter (Sonia Satra) aboard a luxury cruise ship. This proves difficult when a nuke lands in the sea and triggers a tidal wave that flips the boat over. This knowing POSEIDON ADVENTURE rip-off throws in an assassination attempt subplot and sharks. But it’s still boring. With James Coburn, Finola Hughes, Larry Poindexter, Blake Clark, Julie McCullough, Clive Revill, Brandon Maggart from CHRISTMAS EVIL and David Packer. Putch also made TYCUS.

INTRIGUE OF THE YAGYU CLAN See: YAGYU CLAN CONSPIRACY

THE INTRUDER (1962) See: I HATE YOUR GUTS!

INTRUDER (night crew: the final checkout) (1988 US) D/W: SCOTT SPIEGEL W/P: LAWRENCE BENDER Supermarket staff are killed off one-by-one as they work overnight at the closed store. Sam Raimi is a butcher who is placed on a meat hook. His brother Ted gets a cleaver in the head. But the best gore moment (in the uncut version) is a guy’s head sliced in two with a bandsaw. Otherwise it’s pretty so-so with the occasional inspired moment or interesting camera angle. With Renee Estevez, Bruce Campbell, Spiegel, Bender and Alvy Moore.

INTRUDER (1990) See: MOON 44

INTRUSION CAMBODIA See: RESCUE TEAM

THE INUGAMI FAMILY (inugami-ke no ichizoku) (1976 JPN) D/W: KON ICHIKAWA W: SHINYA HIDAKA/ NORIO NAGATA In 1947, the head of a major pharmaceutical firm dies, and his bitter, selfish family gather for the reading of the will. Detective Kosuke Kindaichi (a popular character of several novels, created by Seshi Yokomizo, and played here by Koji Ishizaka; he is not unlike Columbo) is called in to help the local police when murders start to occur. It sounds unoriginal and old-fashioned, but I recommend this long (146 mins) hit (it still holds some kind of domestic box office record) mystery which is full of surprises and little touches (some rather lurid) that elevate it to a classic of its kind (and I’m not a whodunnit fan in general). With Yoko Shimada, Teruhiko Aoi, Mieko Takamine, Yoshiko Sakaguchi, Mitsuko Kusabue, Takeo Chii, Kyoko Kishida, Minoru Terada, Takeshi Kato, Shuji Otaki, Norihei Miki, Rentaro Mikuni, Izumi Hara, Akiji Kobayashi, Noboru Mitani, Eitaro Ozawa and a cameo from Yokomizo. Inugami Ke No Ichizoku (originally serialised from 1950–51) is the only Yokomizo novel to have been translated into English (as The Inugami Clan), and it is a great read. An earlier adaptation was 1954’s INUGAMI KE NO NAZO: AKUMA WA ODORU). There had already been several Kindaichi movie adaptations since the 1940s. This version under review led to a series (starring Ishizaka and helmed by Ichikawa). There were also more Kindaichi movies through the 80s, 90s and 00s (including an INUGAMI remake in 2006).

INVADERS FROM MARS (1953 US) D: WILLIAM CAMERON MENZIES W: RICHARD BLAKE/JOHN TUCKER BATTLE EXEC P: EDWARD L. ALPERSON I can appreciate this dreamlike (thanks to Menzies’ sets, and John Seitz’s photography) childhood nightmare sci-fi about a kid (Jimmy Hunt) who thinks aliens have taken over his folks, but still can’t bring myself to like it that much. Most people seem to love it, so judge for yourself. The alien head in a round tank is cool though, controlling his mutant slave men-in-painfully-obvious-monster-suits army. With Arthur Franz, Leif Erickson, Morris Ankrum, Hillary Brooke, Nilburn Stone, Max Wagner, Peter Brocco, Charles Cane, Richard Deacon, John Eldredge, William Forrest, Bert Freed, Douglas Kennedy, William Phipps, Walter Sande, Robert Shayne, Frank Wilcox and former circus giant Ed Wolff. Remade in 1986.

INVADERS FROM MARS (1986 US) D: TOBE HOOPER W: DAN O’BANNON/DON JAKOBY P: YORAM GLOBUS/MENAHEM GOLAN As part of this three picture deal with Cannon (along with TEXAS CHAINSAW 2 and LIFEFORCE), Hooper delivered this Reagan-era remake (that doesn’t change much from the original, apart from some pretty good SFX monsters, courtesy of John Dykstra and Stan Winston) that’s been mercilessly panned since its release. It’s not very good, but maybe because I’m no fan of the original, it didn’t irritate me as much as it did other people. Star is Hunter Carlson, real-life son of Karen Black, who also appears, along with Timothy Bottoms, Laraie Newman, James Karen, Bud Cort, Louise Fletcher, Eric Norris, Dale Dyue, Phil Fondacaro and original star Jimmy Hunt all grown-up.

INVADERS OF THE LOST GOLD (horror safari; safari senza ritorno) (1982 ITL) D/W: ALAN BIRKINSHAW W: BILL JAMES W/P: DICK RANDALL Edmund Purdom puts together an expedition to find gold hidden by Japanese soldiers in a cave in the jungles of the Philippines during WWII. Stuart Whitman leads. With Woody Strode, Harold “Oddjob” Sakata and Laura Gemser. Characters are killed mysteriously one-byone. Bad and uneventful bore. The Brit director is most famous for KILLER’S MOON.

INVASION (1965 UK) D: ALAN BRIDGES W: RON MARSHALL/ROBERT HOLMES P: JACK GREENWOOD Odd, minimal yet effective b/w sci-fi from Anglo-Amalgamated has Oriental-look female aliens in spacesuits beginning their invasion of Earth by placing an impenetrable, invisible force field around a small country hospital. Edward Judd stars, while Yoko Tani and Tsai Chin are two of the visitors. There’s some surprisingly good FX, like when a car crashes into the force field.

INVASION EARTH 2150 A.D. See: DALEKS’ INVASION EARTH 2150 A.D.

INVASION FORCE See: HANGAR 18

INVASION FROM A PLANET See: INVASION OF THE NEPTUNE MEN

INVASION FROM INNER EARTH See: THEY (1972)

INVASION OF THE ANIMAL PEOPLE (1958/62 SWE US) D/W/P: JERRY WARREN (extra footage only) See TERROR IN THE MIDNIGHT SUN for the original credit information on a not-bad sci-fi quickie filmed in Lapland, Sweden. Warren then acquired it for release in the US, chopped it down from 70 mins to 45 and added approximately 10 mins of nonsensical footage of people talking a lot (including John Carradine, who narrates) and changed the story around (Sweden has become Switzerland). Then Warren had more footage added (some with Katherine Victor) for tv (about 25 mins). The result totals 80 mins but feels twice that. Something Weird Video has released an excellent dvd package that includes both TERROR and INVASION versions for the completist. In 62, Warren was also making his own TERROR OF THE BLOODHUNTERS.

INVASION OF THE ASTRO MONSTER See: MONSTER ZERO

INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS (graveyard tramps) (1973 US) D: DENIS SANDERS W: NICHOLAS MEYER Men are being discovered dead all over town from heart attacks brought about by sexual excitement. William Smith is called in to investigate. Unusual, fascinating feminist sci-fi horror sleeper deserved more attention from both the mainstream and underground press. The scene where a woman is initiated into a secret clan is especially memorable. With Wright King, Rene Bond, Jack Perkins, Victoria Vetri, Herb Robbins (the guy who made THE WORM EATERS) and the 2001 overture at the end! Cinematographer Gary Graver adds another impressive credit to his resumé.

INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS (1972 US) D/W/P: ED ADLUM W: ED KELLEHER Druid yokels chain up victims in the barn and drain them of blood in this low-budget horror shot in upstate New York. Scientists also discover a strain of contaminated blood that won’t stop multiplying and growing. I generally love regional exploitation where cast and crew are virtually unrecognisable (most of them don’t have any other credits to their name) and the whole thing is a labour of love, but this is unusually tepid and should have been a lot more fun. Michael Findlay was the editor. Check out Adlum/Kelleher/Findlay’s great SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED instead.

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1956 US) D: DON SIEGEL W: DANIEL MAINWARING/RICHARD COLLINS (uncredited) P: WALTER WAGNER Kevin McCarthy stars as a small-town doctor who notices that several of his patients are exhibiting extreme paranoia regarding their loved ones, convinced that people are no longer who they used to be in this solid b/w adaptation of Jack Finney’s classic sci-fi novel The Body Snatchers, so influential that it has inevitably dated (casual viewers are directed to the 1978 version). The first time a pod person is seen in a greenhouse it’s genuinely creepy (FX by Don Post). With Dana Wynter, King Donovan, Carolyn Jones, Larry Gates, Jean Willes, Tom Fadden, Frank Hagney, Virginia Christine, Dabbs Greer, Pat O’Malley and a cameo from Peckinpah (who, I think, worked on the screen-story, and who started writing for the tv western Gunsmoke [1955–58] the following year). The original happy ending of the novel was wisely dropped in the original cut for a more downbeat one, but Whit Bissell and Richard Deacon are in new framing scenes added to a longer rerelease “happy” version that has remained in circulation. This can be viewed as an anti-Communist allegory or the complete opposite, lampooning America’s Cold War paranoia (Mainwaring, who wrote THE PHOENIX CITY STORY among others, had had a run-in with the McCarthyites). Or you can just enjoy it for what it is, an exciting sci-fi/horror thriller. Endlessly copied, including three official remakes in 1978, 1993 and 2007. Siegel directed the more typical CRIME IN THE STREETS the same year. A Philip K. Dick short story entitled The Father-Thing published in 1954 (Finney’s novel was published in 55) bears some uncanny resemblances. A previous Finney adaptation was 5 AGAINST THE HOUSE.

IINVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1978 US) D: PHILIP KAUFMAN W: W.D. RICHTER P: ROBERT H. SOLO Here’s another good adaption of Jack Finney’s novel. The story is relocated to San Francisco and stars Donald Sutherland as a health inspector. The great FX by Dell Rheaume and Russ Hessey are pretty creepy, and we get to see what happens to the old bodies. Brooke Adams co-stars with Jeff Goldblum, an intense, neurotic poet (who owns a mud bath centre with Veronica Cartwright), Art Hindle, Leonard Nimoy, Kevin McCarthy (reprising his role in the original for a brief cameo), Don Siegel, Robert Duvall and Phillip Kaufman. A dog with a human face (later copied in MARS ATTACKS!) is pretty surprising, and the ending is memorable. Richter also directed ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI… Abel Ferrara made BODY SNATCHERS next in 1993.

INVASION OF THE FLESH HUNTERS See: CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE

INVASION OF THE NEPTUNE MEN (invasion from a planet; space greyhound; uchu kaisoku sen) (1961 JPN) D: KOJI OTA W: SHIN MORITA P: NOBORU NEZU/GIICHI YOSHIKAWA Earth (primarily Tokyo) is under attack from Neptune. Spacemen in metal suits and pointy helmets ride around in their spaceship and disturb all things electrical. They come to Earth in a lightning bolt (!) and materialise in disguise (as soldiers) at one point. They even cause the temperature to drop to try to freeze everyone. Scientists keep them at bay with an electrical barrier that spreads around the globe. When that’s not enough, one scientist assistant (Shinnichi “Sonny” Chiba in his starring feature debut) becomes masked superhero Iron Sharp (or Steve Martin in the US dub). Iron Sharp has a cool flying car that shoots lasers and is idolised by a gang of kids who sing a lot (including the Iron Sharp theme tune). Nothing more than a slightly diverting b/w kids’ movie, but the FX are excellent for the time. With Tatsuko Mizugami, Mitsue Komiya, Shinjuro Ehara, Seichiro Kameishi, Katsuhei Matsumoto, Junji Masuda and Takashi Kanda.

INVASION OF THE SAUCER MEN (1957 US) D: EDWARD L. CAHN W/P: ROBERT GURNEY JR. W: AL MARTIN P: JAMES H. NICHOLSON Low-budget b/w quickie about aliens who arrive in the small town of Hicksburg. The silly plot involving teens, two-bit mobsters and alcohol (a variation on Paul W. Fairman’s slight yet amusing short story The Cosmic Frame) is loaded with too much unfunny comic relief. The saving grace is Paul Blaisdell’s supercool alien suits with bulging eyes and expanded brains (worn by dwarfs, among them Angelo Rossitto), so good that you’ll wish they were in a more serious, less goofy movie. With Frank Gorshin, Lyn Osborne, Russ Bender, Ed Nelson and Raymond Hatton. Larry Buchanan remade it as ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES.

INVASION OF THE ZOMBIES See: SANTO VS THE ZOMBIES

INVASION USA (1952 US) D: ALFRED E. GREEN W/P: ROBERT SMITH W: “FRANZ SPENCER” (FRANZ SCHULZ) P: ALBERT ZUGSMITH Here’s one of the great American propaganda items. A bunch of grouchy types at a bar are hypnotised with a glass by Dan O’Herlihy. They see what would happen if America didn’t have the resources to fight communist invaders (never overtly referred to as Russian, but it’s pretty obvious). Major American cities including New York are nuked! When Peggy Castle jumps to her death from a window to avoid being raped by drunken commie soldiers, it’s just like REEFER MADNESS! More boring stretches have lots of plane dogfight stock footage. William Schallert, Phyllis Coates, Noel Neill, Gerald Mohr, Robert Bice, Tom Kennedy, Wade Crosby, Knox Manning and Edward G. Robinson Jr. are all in the cast. Imagine paying to see this b/w wonder in a theatre on its original release!

INVASION U.S.A. (1985 US) D: JOSEPH ZITO W: CHUCK NORRIS/AARON NORRIS/JAMES BRUNER P: YORAM GLOBUS/MENAHEM GOLAN Chuck Norris is an ex-CIA agent who comes out of retirement in the Florida Everglades (where he hangs out with an armadillo) when commies invade Florida. They are led by the vicious Rostov (Richard Lynch) and proceed to take over the whole of North America. And they blow up a church, too! My favourite part of this reactionary action movie from Cannon is when Rostov levels suburban houses with a rocket launcher (“they make it so easy, don’t they?”)… at Christmas! With Billy Drago. The FX are by Tom Savini and Stephen Traxler (SPAWN OF THE SLITHIS) was second unit production supervisor. Zito also directed Chuck in MISSING IN ACTION.

AN INVESTIGATION OF MURDER See: THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN (1973)

INVINCIBLE (unbesiegbar) (2001 UK GER IRE US) D/W/P: WERNER HERZOG P: GARY BART Herzog’s first non-documentary feature in English (why?) is misleadingly labelled “based on a true story” but is in fact a fictional mixture of two semi-true stories (or rather, two real-life historical figures). With this confusion out of the way, it’s a fascinating tale. Jouko Ahola (a real-life “world’s strongest man”) can’t really act, but looks the part of Jewish Blacksmith and strongman Zishe Breitbart, who travels from his small Czech village to Berlin to enter showbusiness in 1932 (the real folk hero Breitbart actually died in 1925). He gets a job portraying an Aryan Hercules at Hanussen’s theatre of superhuman stage acts. Hanussen (here played by Tim Roth) was an alleged psychic and mesmerist who predicted the rise of the Nazis in Europe. His story had previously been filmed (as HANUSEEN) in both 1955 and 1988. Breitbart defies Hanussen by proudly proclaiming his Jewish heritage on stage, turning himself against the SS but also skyrocketing the box office as more Jews come to see their strongman. Filmed in Germany, Latvia, Lithuania and the Netherlands, and featuring some great dream sequences filled with crabs. With Gustav-Peter Wohler, Udo Kier, Renate Krobner, Alexander Duda as Himmler, Hark Bohm, Andre Hennicke and Peter Ruhring.

THE INVINCIBLE ARMOUR (ying chau tit biu saam; ying zhao tie bu sham) (1977 HK) D/W: NG SEE YUEN W: TUNG LIU P: HSIA FAN John Liu must clear his name when he’s falsely accused of the murder of a monk. More superior kung fu action from the director of THE SECRET RIVALS (as in that film, Hwang Jang Lee is also formidable enemy here). It has similarities to the classic BORN INVINCIBLE. With Tino Wong, Phillip Ko Fei, Yuen Shun Yi, a young Yuen Biao, Brandy Yuen, Lee Hoi Sang, Man Man, Hsu Hsia, Shih Ting Ken, Wong Chi Sang, Ching Kuo Chung and an amazing fighting kid. Cory Yuen Kwai has a part and is responsible for the ace choreography. Music stolen from DAY OF ANGER.

THE INVINCIBLE BARBARIAN (amazones king; guana, king of the barbarians; gunan il guerriro) (1982 ITL) D: “FRANK SHANNON” (FRANCO PROSPERI) W: “PETER LOMBARD” (PIETRO REGNOLI) P: “MATT MANNIX” A narrator gives a long, cosmic intro before we settle on this loincloth-and-quarries period action adventure about a couple of musclebound warrior twins raised by female amazons, one bad who joins the villainous oppressors and must eventually fight the chosen good one, Vulcan (star “Peter McCoy”, real name Pietro Torrisi). When it comes to this kind of nonsense I’m easily pleased, and this has enough po-faced posturing barbarians and amusing slo-mo fights with obvious fake swords to keep me amused. Others will not be so forgiving I think, so beware. It’s pretty bad. I suspect it was shot back to back with SWORD OF THE BARBARIANS; some of the locations are the same. They both also co-star barbarian movie fixture Sabrina Siani. With Malisa Longo, Fortunato Arena and Giovanni Cianfriglia.

THE INVINCIBLE FIST See: KUNG FU: THE INVINCIBLE FIST

INVINCIBLE IRON FIST See: KUNG FU: THE INVINCIBLE FIST

THE INVINCIBLE KUNG FU LEGS (the leg fighters; incredible death kick master; nan bei tui wang) (1980 HK) D: LEE TSO NAM W: I. KUANG Wang Hsieh hires master of the Northern Kick Tan Tao Liang to teach his troublemaking daughter Ha Kwang Li kung fu (a replacement for previous teacher Sun Jung Chi). After a bunch of great training scenes and minor scuffles, bad guy Pang Gang (master of the Ground Kick) turns up for the exciting finale. Not quite as good as THE HOT, THE COOL AND THE VICIOUS this is one of Lee Tso Nam’s best with an emphasis on leg styles. Pang Gang, Sun Jung Chi and Wang Yao were the choreographers. With Tsai Hung and Shih Teng King.

INVINCIBLE MONKEY FIST (1978 INDO) D: CHEN KUAN TAI P: ADJI ASWI Chen Kuan Tai (IRON MONKEY) went to Indonesia to make this standard heroic stranger in town kung fu flick. It’s competent enough with some nice fight action and benefits from a change of location. With Billy Chong (real name Willy Dhozan), later a major star in Hong Kong with the likes of CRYSTAL FIST.

INVINCIBLE ONE See: DISCIPLES OF SHAOLIN

THE INVINCIBLE POLE FIGHTER See: EIGHT DIAGRAM POLE FIGHTER

INVINCIBLE SHAOLIN (unbeatable dragon; naam siu lam yue bak siu lam; nan shao lin yu bei shao lin) (1978 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: MONA FONG/RUN RUN SHAW In one of Chang Cheh’s finest epics, villainous Qing supporter Johnny Wang Lung Wei tries to set North Shaolin against South Shaolin and start a war that will destroy the great temple. Phillip Kwok, Lu Feng, Chiang Sheng, Wei Pei, Lo Meng and Sun Chien star as monks who uncover the plot and fight back. What makes this special for me are the extended training scenes, especially when the choreography is by Robert Tai, Chiang Sheng and Lu Feng. With Kara Hui, Wong Ching Ho, Tien Niu, Dick Wei, Cheng Miu and Lam Fai Wong.

THE INVINCIBLE SUPER CHAN (forced to fight; tian zhan) (1971 TAI) D/W: SUN YUNG P: CHIEN TSE David Tong Wai is very good as a seemingly indestructible Wang Yu-style sword fighter (he even goes one-armed in the finale) in this crazed non-stop action wuxia-type obscurity (that was apparently banned in several countries). Basically, he wants revenge for the death of his master, and after fighting dozens of extras (with parts almost epic in scope) for an exhaustingly long time, actually gets it. The second half has him trying to live in peace despite being challenged for his title. The main rival (Yeung Yeung, who directed TIGER FROM CHINA in 1974) fights with a long slinky spring! There’s a bunch of other bizarre weapons on display, including a big abacus! Violent and bloody for the time, it’s hard to tell (because of choppy editing, dated wirework and FX and pan’n’scan) if this 78 mins version is uncut or not. But regardless, it’s a lot of fun and a must-see for martial arts aficionados. With Han Hsiang-Chin, Lui Ming, Cho Kin, O Yau-Man (who’s split in half), Lee Keung, Blacky Ko as an extra and a camp dwarf.

THE INVINCIBLE SWORD (yat foo goon man; yi fu guan wen) (1971 HK) D/W: HSU TSENG HUNG P: RAYMOND CHOW Swordfighter Wang Yu and a travelling band of entertainers join forces to rescue a General from a fortress prison. Unremarkable kung fu adventure perks up a little during the final reel massacre. Based on a true story (very loosely, I would imagine), it has an unusual downbeat ending. With Chang Yi, Hsu Feng, Paul Chang Chung, Chen Hung Lieh, Yueh Hua, Miu Tien, Tin Yau, Lu Feng, Liu Ping, Sit Hon, Shan Mao, O Yau Man and Man Man. Chang Cheh was an assistant director. Filmed back to back with GALLANT DUO.

INVISIBLE See: HOLLOW MAN

THE INVISIBLE BOY (s.o.s. spaceship) (1957 US) D: HERMAN HOFFMAN W: CYRIL HUME P: NICHOLAS NAYFACK Peculiar sci-fi satire has a little boy, neglected by his scientist dad, becoming hypnotised into being a genius by a supercomputer. He reconstructs Robby the Robot (no one seems surprised or impressed) to play with. But the supercomputer reprograms Robby (the voice of Marvin Miller) to help take over the world. Based on a story by Edmund Cooper. With Alvy Moore.

INVISIBLE GHOST (1941 US) D: JOSEPH H. LEWIS W: HELEN and AL MARTIN P: SAM KATZMAN Bela Lugosi strangles people at his house in the night without knowing it. His runaway wife is the cause in this pretty senseless b/w Poverty Row chiller that works as a curio vintage time-waster. Director Lewis later made more interesting features like GUN CRAZY and THE BIG COMBO. With Clarence Muse, Betty Compson, George Pembroke, Ernie Adams, Ottola Nesmith, Jack Mulhall and Fred Kelsey. It was the first of nine Lugosi vehicles pumped-out for Katzman’s Monogram in a few years. The others were SPOOKS RUN WILD, BLACK DRAGONS, THE CORPSE VANISHES, BOWERY AT MIDNIGHT, THE APE MAN, GHOSTS ON THE LOOSE, VOODOO MAN and RETURN OF THE APE MAN.

INVISIBLE INVADERS (1959 US) D: EDWARD L. CAHN W: SAMUEL NEWMAN P: ROBERT E. KENT Invisible aliens take over the bodies of dead men and make them walk around like zombies (in suits). Nuclear physicist John Carradine eventually becomes one of them, so it’s left to good ol’ John Agar to save the day. Like many of Cahn’s movies, this b/w quickie seems rushed and has a bare-bones chain of events for a story, but genre fans will want to check out where some of the NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD ideas and images came from. With Robert Hutton.

THE INVISIBLE MAN (1933 US) D: JAMES WHALE W: R.L. SHERRIFF/PRESTON STURGES (uncredited)/ PHILIP WYLIE (uncredited) P: CARL LAEMMLE JR. Claude Rains (heard throughout, but only seen briefly at the very end) stars as the scientist whose invisibility potion drives him insane in this Universal sci-fi/horror classic based on H.G. Wells’ 1897 novel (to which it adds very cinematic car and train crash scenes), that’s been endlessly copied, remade and spoofed since. Part of the appeal is John P. Fulton’s simple yet convincing special effects. It’s also very funny (the Whale touch). Shot by Arthur Edeson, with a score by the uncredited Heinz Roenheld (instantly recognisable to those who sat through the FLASH GORDON serials). It was only London stage actor Rains’ second feature (after a 1920 silent called BUILD THY HOUSE). With Gloria Stuart, Una O’Connor, Forrester Harvey, E.E. Clive, Holmes Herbert, Harry Stubbs, Walter Brennan, John Carradine, Robert Brower, Dwight Frye, Crawford Kent, Monte Montague, Bob Reeves, Jack Richardson and Jameson Thomas, all acting (with a variety of accents) on convincing enough Hollywood sets standing in for an English village in panic. Jack Pierce provided makeup. A Universal series of lesser quality continued with THE INVISIBLE MAN RETURNS and THE INVISIBLE WOMAN (both 1940), INVISIBLE AGENT (1942) and THE INVISIBLE MAN’S REVENGE (1944).

THE INVISIBLE MAN (1975 US) D: ROBERT MICHAEL LEWIS W: HARVE BENNETT W/P: STEVEN BOCHO David McCallum is the renegade scientist you can’t see in this pilot for a mostly forgotten tv series. I remember the show being a tiresome, repetitive excuse for guest stars to look silly while pretending to be hit by no one. With Jackie Cooper, Henry Darrow and Ted Gehring.

THE INVISIBLE MAN APPEARS (the transparent man; tomei ningen arawaru) (1949 JPN) D/W: NOBUO ADACHI D: SHIGEHIRO FUKASHIMA Daiei studios made the first Japanese invisible man movie. The FX by Eiji Tsubaraya are excellent, but the plot (scientist tricked into drinking invisiblity serum so he can steal a valuable necklace) and direction are routine time-filler. My favourite part is when the invisible man makes his getaway through the streets of Kobe on a motorbike with sidecar. With Ryunosuke Tsukigata and Chizuru Kitagawa. Toho made THE INVISIBLE MAN in 1954 and Daiei returned to the subject with INVISIBLE MAN VS. FLYMAN.

THE INVISIBLE MAN OF SCIENCE FICTION (2005 UK) D: MICK CONEFREY Worthwhile hour-long BBC4 documentary on the sci-fi author John Wyndham (played by THE THICK OF IT’s Chris Langham in brief dramatised segueways), shedding a little light on the private writer’s childhood and personal life, and providing fascinating historical context for his novels The Day Of The Triffids, The Chrysalids, The Midwich Cuckoos and The Trouble with Lichen. Clips are from the TRIFFIDS movie, and the US trailer for VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (mainly represented by more dramatised scenes, possibly for copyright reasons?). Other brief clips (used for negative effect) are from INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES, IT! TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE and INVADERS FROM MARS. There’s brief footage of Wyndham interviewed on tv in 1960. Interviewees include his biographer, geneticists, biologists & zoologists, Sam Youd (aka John Christopher of TRIPODS fame) and a cheerful Brian Aldiss. Juliet Stevenson narrates.

INVISIBLE MAN: RAPE! (lusty transparent man; tomei ningen: okase!) (1978 JPN) D: ISAO HAYASHI W: CHIHO KATSURA P: AKIHIKO YATSUMAKI A nebbish lab assistant uses his professor’s invisibility serum to fuck unsuspecting girls. His main target is a bitchy lesbian scientist who seduces his wife with a vibrator. He humiliates her by fucking her during an important speech, but in the end she enjoys it and is “cured” of her homosexual tendencies. Another woman is slipped a strong laxative and fucked in the toilet after a bout of diarrhea. Pretty stupid but sometimes sexy pink comedy from Nikkatsu. With Izumi Shina, Toshihiko Oda and Ichiro Kojima.

INVISIBLE MAN VS. FLYMAN (the transparent man vs the fly man; tomei ningen tai hae-otoko) (1957 JPN) D: MITSUO MURAYAMA W: HAJIME TAKAIWA P: HIDEMASA NAGATA Yoshiro Kitahara is an evil scientist who forces an accomplice to transform into a fly to exact revenge for him. Disappointingly he doesn’t turn into a half-man/ half-fly monster (as I had hoped), just shrinks into a house-fly. A detective investigates a string of mysterious murders committed by an unseen assailant (the fly). Ryuji Shinagawa becomes transparent (thanks to an invisibility ray) to help defeat Kitahara in this very slow-moving b/w Daiei release. My favourite touch is the police poster warning citizens to be on the lookout for flies! With Yoshihiro Hamaguchi (BROOBA), Joji Tsurumi, Junko Kanou, Ikuko Mouri and some nightclub scenes.

INVISIBLE TERROR See: MONSTER FROM THE SURF

INVISIBLE TERRORIST (hung yeung qui fei law tin; gong yang sha fei luo tien) (1980 HK) D: CHING SIU PAG W: YAU FING HUNG P: LIU HSIANG PING Watchable yet instantly forgettable kung fu movie concerning the hunt for a spy (Carter Wong) who wants to betray patriots by providing a list of hidden rebels to the oppressive Qing dynasty. Plentiful fighting choreography by director Ching Siu and a little bit of Lo Lieh. With Cliff Lok, Doris Lung, Wong Hap, Kam Kong, Lung Fei, Liu Ping, Wong Fei Lung, Chan Wai Lau, Chui Chung Hei, Ma Cheung, Cheung Chung Kwai and Cheung Yee Kwai.

INVISIBLE: THE CHRONICLES OF BENJAMIN KNIGHT (1993 US) D: JACK ERSGARD W: EARL KENTON P: VLAD AND DANA PAUNESCU The remote controlled robot from MANDROID (1993) returns in this crappy sequel. The metal masked villain kidnaps women in the Eastern European woods. There’s an invisible man. Eighty mins have never seemed so long. Executive producer Charles Band had it shot for his Full Moon label in Romania

INVITATION TO DIE (warrior of justice) (1995 US) D/W: JORGO OGENOVSKI D: MIKE TRISTANO W: MARYL L. QUIJANO P: JEFF RUBENS Ogenovski (also an executive producer) is a karate fighter looking for some missing guy. His search leads him to Jorge Rivero and his underground to-the-death fight tournaments that also supply his black-market human organ business. Richard Lynch is The Master in a long-hair wig. With Ian Jacklin. Awful.

INVITATION TO HELL (1984 US) D: WES CRAVEN W: RICHARD ROTHSTEIN P: ROBERT M. SERTNER Spacesuit designer Robert Urich, his wife Joanna Cassidy and kids Barret Oliver (D.A.R.Y.L.) and Soleil Moon Frye move to a new suburban neighbourhood for his new corporate job. Susan Lucci runs the country club that everyone is talking about and are trying to convince a reluctant Urich to join. In this wonderfully overwrought and surprisingly nutty tv movie, Urich’s family is replaced by evil clones and he must enter Hell itself (via the country club) in a spacesuit equipped with lasers and a flame thrower to get his wife and kids back! It’s the wrongheaded gem in Craven’s filmography. Michael Berryman’s part must have been cut out, but you can still just about see him walking up some stairs. With Kevin McCarthy, Patty McCormack and Bruce Gray.

IN YOUR FACE See: ABAR, THE BLACK SUPERMAN

THE IPCRESS FILE (1965 UK) D: SIDNEY J. FURIE W: BILL CANAWAY/JAMES DORAN P: HARRY SALTZMAN Michael Caine is British spy Harry Palmer for the first time in this unremarkable but quite enjoyable (and very 60s) low-key antidote to the overblown excesses of James Bond. The plot involves missing, brainwashed scientists. With Nigel Green and Gordon Jackson, and a score from John Barry. Based on the novels of Len Deighton. The first sequel was FUNERAL IN BERLIN (1966).

I, ROBOT (2004 US) D: ALEX PROYAS W: JEFF VINTAR/ AKIVA GOLDSMAN P: JOHN DAVIS/TOPHER DOW/WYCK GODFREY/LAURENCE MARK In 2035, Chicago technophobe cop Will Smith (an executive producer) investigates the apparent suicide of his friend, a top robotics scientist who created the three robot laws that protect humans (James Cromwell, seen as a hologram). No one wants to listen to him that a new breed of robots could be involved in a conspiracy against humankind on the eve of launching “a robot in every home”. Of course this very expensive summer blockbuster threw out all the intricacies in Isaac Asimov’s writings and replaced them with car chases, wisecracks and clichés, but what else did you expect? The resulting FX extravaganza does look good and is a pretty engaging no-brainer. Alan Tudyk is the template for the first robot that develops human emotions, Bruce Greenwood is the megacorporation president and Bridget Moynahan co-stars as a research scientist. With Chi McBride, Jerry Wasserman, Terry Chen and Aaaron Douglas. Proyas made KNOWING in 2009.

IRON COWBOYS See: IRON HORSEMEN

IRON EAGLE (1986 US CAN) D/W: SIDNEY J. FURIE W: KEVIN ELDERS P: RON SAMUELS/JOE WIZAN Over-patriotic action hit has a teen recruiting Louis Gossett Jr. to help save his pilot father (Tim Thomerson) who’s been captured by “some shitty little country” (in the Middle East). They fly F-16s in to blow up villain David Suchet and his troops. With Michael Bowen and Shawnee Smith.

IRON EAGLE 2 (L’aigel de fer 2: beyond the flag) (1988 CAN ISR) D/W: SIDNEY J. FURIE W: KEVIN ELDERS P: JACOB KOTZKY/SHARON HAREL/JOHN KEMENY Louis Gossett Jr. returns to lead an in-fighting US-Soviet team on a Middle East bombing raid. With Stuart Margolin, Colm Feore, Maury Chaykin, Clark Johnson, Jason Blicker and Michael J. Reynolds. ACES: IRON EAGLE 3 followed.

IRON EAGLE 4 (1995 CAN) D: SIDNEY J. FURIE W: MICHAEL STOKES/JOEL CHERNOFF (uncredited) P: PETER R. SIMPSON This awful sequel for kids has the returning Louis Gossett Jr. teaching a bunch of delinquent kids to fly planes. They discover a military conspiracy involving dangerous nuclear materials. With Al Waxman, Sean McCann, Jason Blicker, Dean McDermott, Aidan Devine, Ron Lea and David Hemblen.

IRON FIGHTER See: LEGION OF IRON

IRON FINGERS OF DEATH (death mask of the ninja; shaolin prince; siu lam chuen yan; shao lin chuan ren) (1982 HK) D: TANG CHIA W: WANG TSING P: WONG KA HEE More people need to know about this one. Director Tang is familiar to kung fu fans for his choreography on many martial arts classics, often with the legendary Liu Chia Liang. This classic of its kind utilises several different styles and weapons, and some very good, imaginative wirework and fantasy elements to create some of the most memorable scenes the genre has to offer. The finale in particular is outstanding. I can’t recommend it enough. Ti Lung stars by the way, with Ku Feng, Erh Tung Sheng, Pai Piao, Kong Do, Yuen Bun, Elvis Tsui, Cha Shen, Tang Chia, Goo Goon Chung, Yuen Wah, Wong Pau Gei, Shum Lo, Alan Chan Gwok Kuen, Yue Tau Wan, Chan Chuen, Lee Hoi Sang and Lam Fai Wong. The choreography is credited to Tang Chia, Wong Pau Gei, Yuen Wah and Yuen Bun.

IRON FIST (under the gun) (1995 AUSL) D/W: MATTHEW GEORGE P: PAUL ELLIOTT CURRIE Ex-pro hockey player and nightclub owner Richard Norton attempts to tie-up dodgy business deals with gangsters, sell his club and avoid a corrupt police detective with an eyepatch before leaving the country during one hectic night in this action movie that takes place mostly inside the club. Norton also narrates and gets to use lots of martial arts. With kick-boxing champ Kathy Long, Alan King, Judy Green, Nicky Buckley, Chrissy Lane and Cara DeLizia. It’s not bad for its type.

THE IRON FISTED MONK (saam tak woh gwing yue chung mai luk; san de han shang yu ching mi liu) (1977 HK) D/W: SAMMO HUNG W: HUANG FENG P: RAYMOND CHOW Sammo Hung’s directorial debut is a pretty standard anti-Manchu revenge actioner, but the second half does include some great moments of Sammo kung fu choreography. This fact alone elevates it to the rank of must-see for genre fans. The cast is also a veritable who’s who: Chan Sing, James Tin Jun, Wong Hap, Fung Hak On, Wu Ma, Casanova Wong, Yueng Wai, Dean Shek, Eric Tsang, Chin Yuet Sang, Chung Faat, Billy Chan, Mars, Peter Chan Liung, Tony Liu, Hsiao Ho, Yen Shi Kwan, Chiu Hung, Fung Fung, Lo Hoi Pang, Austin Wai Tin Chi, Tsang Choh Lam and Hok Lee Yan. Beware prints missing a rape scene. Hung’s next directorial effort (with Huang Feng) was NAKED COMES THE HUNTRESS (1978).

IRON FISTED WARRIOR See: CANTONEN IRON KUNG FU

THE IRON GIANT (1999 US ANIMATED) D/W: BRAD BIRD W: TIM McCANLIES P: ALLISON ABBATE/DES McANUFF In 1957, a giant robot who eats metal crash-lands on Earth and befriends a young boy. The robot has incredible military potential, but chooses instead to have emotions and be peaceful. The Army try to destroy it. This excellent Warner Bros animation has a beatnik character hero (with a yin and yang dressing gown) and recreations of atomic scare films and a FIEND WITHOUT A FACE-style sci-fi movie. Voices are provided by Jennifer Aniston, Harry Connick Jr., Vin Diesel, Cloris Lechman, Christopher MacDonald, John Mahoney, James Gammon and M. Emmet Walsh. It’s based on a book by Ted Hughes.

IRON HORSEMEN (iron cowboys; bad trip) (1995 FIN FRA ITL) D/W: GILLES CHARMANT P: AKI KAURISMAKI/ CEDOMIR KOLAR A guy from a middle class American family in 1969 (Dominic Gould, who narrates) joins the Cannibals biker gang (they eat people). He’s an LSD chemist, but freaks out whenever he takes acid so is called Bad Trip. After he steals another biker’s hog for an initiation rite, he becomes a hunted man. This comical road movie takes in a cross-section of counterculture types like hippies and a ’nam vet mindfucked from Agent Orange. Other major characters are a Castroworshipping female bank robber and Jim Jarmusch as The Silver Rider. With Kari Vaananen, Sakari Kuosmanen (from The Leningrad Cowboys), Matti Pellonpaa, Puntti Valtonen, Juhani Niemcla, Geoffrey Carey, Jean-Marc Barr, Nicky Tesco (of The Members), André Wilms and Kaurismaki. The ending is set in Vladivostok, so I guess that’s where it was all filmed. It’s not very funny.

THE IRON KISS See: THE NAKED KISS

IRON MAIDEN See: THE LEGENDARY STRIKE

IRON MAN (chinese iron man; young hero of the shaolin 2) (1973 TAI) D/P: JOSEPH KUO W: KONG BING-HAM A chef, Man Kong-Lung, fights back against Japanese oppressors in a solid, actionpacked FIST OF FURY-inspired “basher” (the term used to describe early 70s martial arts flicks made prior, more elegant choreography that concentrated on specific forms and styles). Note Bruce Li as one of Lau Lap-Cho’s henchmen early in the movie. With Nancy Yen, Liu Ping, Yee Yuen, Shut Chung-Ti, O Yau-Man, Su Chen-Ping, Gam Kim (director of 1978’s BOXER’S ADVENTURE), Choi Wang, Man Man, Yim Chung and Got Dik-Wa (providing brief nudity). Lam Yau-Chuen was the fight choreographer, and Ting Chung (MAR’S VILLA) was the assistant director. This “Hohwascope” production was made just after TRIANGULAR DUEL, which had the same main production team and star. Screenwriter Kong also directed a handful of kung fu films for Kuo (i.e. 1971’s THE MATCHLESS CONQUEROR).

IRONMASTER (la guerra del ferro; la guerre du fer) (1982 ITL FRA) D: UMBERTO LENZI W/P: LUCIANO MARTINO W: ALBERTO CAVALLONE/DARDANO SACCHETTI/ LEA MARTINO/GABRIEL ROSSINI Ela (star Sam Pasco, who was never in anything else it seems) and Vood (“George Eastman” aka Luigi Montefiore) are opposing prehistoric tribe leaders in this barbarian movie. Vood discovers iron ore, wears a lion’s head as a helmet and has his men forge swords to terrorise the land. They eventually face-off at the end (after Ela has invented the bow-and-arrow). Monkey-men and some lepers are also a problem. A trifle overlong at 99 mins, this is still good fun, and definitely one of the better low-budget barbarian movies of the 80s. William Berger is a pacifist tribal leader, and look for the brief shot of buffalo grazing with the sound of cows mooing dubbed over! With Benito Stefanelli, Jacques Herlin, Nello Pazzafini, Giovanni Cianfriglia, Salvatore Billa, Pietro Torrisi, Jacques Stany and a score from Guido and Maurizio De Angelis.

THE IRON MONKEY (bloody monkey master; school of shaolin; tie mau li; tit ma lau) (1977 HK) D: CHEN KUAN TAI W: I. KUANG Chen Kuan Tai stars as a young gambler whose patriotic family is massacred by invaders. He joins Shaolin to learn kung fu. Chan Mak Chuen (who choreographed the action) is the monk who teaches him the difficult-to-learn Monkey Fist. He finally uses it against evil General Kam Kong’s Eagle Fist. Other bad guys who need a good hiding include Wilson Tong and Leung Kar Yan. A classic of its kind, with great training scenes and fight action. With Chi Kuan Chun, Suen Ga Lam, Wu Ma, Shut Chung Tin, Chan Wa Lau, Lee Keung, Nu Chia Kuang, Sun Jung Chi and Ma Kei. Chen Kuan Tai also directed and starred in IRON MONKEY STRIKES BACK.

IRON MONKEY (once upon a time in china 5; siu sin wong fei hung ji tit ma lau; shao nian huang fei hong zhy tie ma liu) (1993 HK) D: YUEN WOO PING W/P: TSUI HARK W: LAU DAAI MUK/ELSA TANG This new wave wirework-heavy martial arts hit has nothing to do with the earlier Chen Kuan Tai classic, but is another Wong Fei Hung story (Jet Li played the legendary folk hero in ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA) starring Donnie Yen. Yu Ron Guang is the Iron Monkey of the title. With Yen Shi, James Wong Jim and Yuen Shun Ti (who choreographed along with Yuen Cheung Yan and Goo Hin Chiu). There’s plenty of impressive action set pieces and it’s all very slick, but it lacks something found in the best Yuen Woo Ping films. See DRUNKEN TAI CHI.

IRON MONKEY 2 See: IRON MONKEY STRIKES BACK

IRON MONKEY STRIKES BACK (duel of the master; tough guy; duel at tiger village; iron monkey 2; jue dou lao hu zhuang) (1978 TAI) D: BOU SHUK LI P: CHIN TSAI TE Chen Kuan Tai returns as a policeman in this worthwhile follow up (in name only) to the classic THE IRON MONKEY. When the Emperor’s wife is killed, Chamberlain Chan Sing is all too eager to convict the wrong man. Chen Kuan Tai uses his skills of detection and kung fu to get to the bottom of things. Chen Mo Chun’s fight choreography is just fine and there’s plenty of it. There’s even a booby trapped chamber scene. With Judy Lee, Ouyang Shafei, Tin Yau and Li Min Lang.

IRON PALM See: FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH

IRON THUNDER See: I BOUGHT A VAMPIRE MOTORCYCLE

IRON WARRIOR (ator, the iron warrior; echoes of wizardry; ator il guerriro di ferro) (1985 ITL) D/W: “AL BRADLEY” (ALFONSO BRESCIA) W: STEVEN LUOTTO P: OVIDIO G. ASSONITIS Miles O’Keefe returns in this typically ridiculously silly and enjoyable third Ator movie (from a different director). This time he must help a princess fight an evil witch who has a sidekick in the shape of Ator’s evil twin brother. You know what to expect. Aristide Massaccesi returned for the fourth entry, QUEST FOR THE MIGHTY SWORD (1989).

I SAW WHAT YOU DID (1965 US) D/P: WILLIAM CASTLE W: WILLIAM McGIVERN A couple of teen girls (Andi Garrett is the cute eye-rolling Libby) and a little sister make prank phonecalls when their folks are away. They utter the title phrase to John Ireland at random, unaware that the paranoid psycho has just murdered his wife in the shower (the sole moment of brutality being a nod to PSY CHO perhaps?). His jealous lover (Joan Crawford, who was just in Castle’s STRAIT JACKET the year before) contrives matters so that he finds out where they live. Light, playful but engaging, it’s a different animal from Castle’s gimmick classics like THE TINGLER (although some theatres were equipped with seatbelts so patrons wouldn’t be “shocked out of their seats”!), but still worthwhile viewing. Based on a novel by Ursula Curtiss (as was WHAT EVER HAPPEND TO BABY JANE?). With Leif Erickson, John Archer, John Crawford and Douglas Evans. Remade as a tv movie in 1988. Castle made LET’S KILL UNCLE (1966) next, while Crawford went to the UK for BERSERK! and others.

I SHOT ANDY WARHOL (1996 US UK) D/W: MARY HARRON W: DANIEL MINAHAN/JEREMIAH NEWTON P: TOM KALIN/CHRISTINE VACHON Lili Taylor is very good as Valerie Solanas, the radical feminist behind the SCUM (Society for Cutting Up Men) manifesto, as well as Warhol Factory hangeron who made an attempt on Warhol’s wife. Jared Harris is Andy Warhol, Donovan Leitch is Gerard Malagna, Michael Imperioli is Ondine, Stephen Dorff is Candy Darling, Reg Rogers is Paul Morrissey and Yo La Tengo are a Velvets-like band. This film is very good and mostly authentic, but your appreciation will depend on how interesting a character you find Solanas. With Martha Plimpton, Anna Levine, Bill Sage, Jill Hennessy, John Ventiniglia, Justin Theroux and Eric Mobius. Harron returned with the far more accomplished AMERICAN PSYCHO.

I SHOT JESSE JAMES (1948 US) D/W: SAM FULLER P: CARL K. HITTELMAN This b/w Lippert western was Fuller’s directorial debut. Bob Ford (John Ireland) shoots Jesse James (Reed Hadley) in the back to get amnesty so he can be with showgirl Barbara Britton. But she loves John Kelley (Preston Foster). Tom Tyler is Frank James. Ford takes to the stage to re-enact the killing for live audiences (strange but true; see also the excellent THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD from 2007), but can’t face the past. It’s based on an article by Homer Croy. With Victor Kilian, Tommy Noonan, Eddie Dunn, Byron Foulger, Barbara Woodell, Phillip Pine, Albert Glasser and Stanley Price. More conventional compared to his later movies, this offbeat and interesting psychodrama out west proves that Fuller was an unique talent from the get-go. He made THE BARON OF ARIZONA (1950) next.

THE ISLAND (1980 US) D: MICHAEL RITCHIE W: PETER BENCHLEY P: RICHARD A. ZANUCK/DAVID BROWN Michael Caine is a pacifist NYC journalist who takes his son along to the Caribbean islands off the coast of Florida to investigate the disappearance of many boats. They’re kidnapped by old-fashioned pirates that have been cut off from the rest of the world for centuries, led by David Warner. The already estranged son is separated from his father and starts to enjoy his new life (and hate Caine). The pirates attack tourist yachts and Caine sums it all up as “a bunch of arseholes playing Long John fucking Silver”. The violent revenge ending makes it a mixture of pirate adventure and STRAW DOGS. You won’t find many kind words written about it, but I enjoyed THE ISLAND. It’s based on Benchley’s novel. With Zakes Mokae, Julio Osar Mechoso and Annabella Sciorra.

THE ISLAND AT THE TOP OF THE WORLD (1974 US) D: ROBERT STEVENSON W: JOHN WHELDON P: WINSTON HIBLER Donald Sinden hires archaeologist David Hartman to travel with him to the fabled “graveyard of whales” in the Arctic to find his missing son. Jacques Marin pilots a Zeppelin that takes them there, and Mako is a comic relief Eskimo. They discover a lost colony of Vikings, who perceive them as dangerous invaders. Based on Ian Cameron’s novel The Lost Ones, this Disney adventure is pretty good. With Suerre Anker Ousdaz, former Tarzan Denny Miller and Ian Abercrombie.

ISLAND CLAWS (la carra; giant claws) (1980 SPN US) D/W: HERMAN CARDENAS W: JACK COWDEN/ RICOU BROWNING/COLBY CARDENAS P: TED SWANSON Crabs attack humans in Florida after a leak at a nuclear plant. Actually, a bunch of crabs cluster, and characters freak-out and do the damage themselves for the most part (like some of the morons in SLUGS). Robert Lansing is a grumpy fisherman who runs a bar where a guy manages to play all the parts of Camptown Races on just his banjo. Marine biologists find a giant shell, and finally a huge crab turns up at the end. This pretty boring movie apparently has some connection to the (uncredited) Guy N. Smith trashy-but-fun novels, that began with Night Of The Crabs. You’d be better off reading them, or checking out Roger Corman’s ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS. Director Cardenas was also the executive producer. I do think the world needs an official, big-budget adaptation of Smith’s crab novels.

ISLAND OF DEATH (devils in mykonos; island of perversion; psychic killer 2; killing daylight; ta paidia tou diavolou) (1975 GRE) D/W/P: NICO MASTORAKIS Depressing, never-ending oddity has become a collectible since it ended up on the UK “video nasties” list. It’s about a man and a woman who arrive on a Greek island and immediately start murdering the locals in horrible, sadistic ways. For instance one guy is crucified to the floor and forced to drink paint. A couple of homosexual men are told that “God punishes perversion” before being killed. A goat is fucked, a woman pissed on and the viewer is subjected to a terrible theme tune before some worthless twists turn up. Mastorakis later made equally bad but less nasty junk in the States. With Nikos Tsachiridis.

ISLAND OF DEATH (1976) See: WOULD YOU KILL A CHILD?

THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU (1977 US) D: DON TAYLOR W: JOHN HERMAN SHANER/AL RAMRUS P: JOHN TEMPLE-SMITH/SKIP STELOFF Dreadful and unforgivably dull remake of ISLAND OF LOST SOULS stars Burt Lancaster (miscast) as Moreau. Richard Basehart replaces Bela Lugosi as the Sayer Of The Law. With Barbara Crampton, Michael York and Nigel Davenport. I really can’t think of anything more to say, it was just so deadening.

ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU (1996 US) D: JOHN FRANKENHEIMER W: RICHARD STANLEY/RON HUTCHINSON P: EDWARD PRESSMAN I’d rather watch THE TWILIGHT PEOPLE again than this terrible official version. David Thewlis acts oblivious as a shipwreck victim brought to the island by Val Kilmer. Marlon Brando’s flamboyant campy take on Moreau is best left unmentioned. What the fuck were these people thinking? Original director Stanley was fired but apparently sneaked himself back on the set to appear uncredited as Melting Bulldog. With Fairuza Balk, Ron Perlman, William Hootkins, Temuera Morrison, Nelson De La Rosa (from RATMAN!!), Mark Dacascos and Stan Winston FX. Filmed in Australia.

ISLAND OF FIRE (the prisoner; feng shu do; huo shao dao) (1991 HK) D: CHU YIN PING P: WANG YU This very good prison/heroic bloodshed movie has an excellent cast. Jackie Chan (forgetting the comedy for this gig), Tony Leung, Andy Lau, Sammo Hung and Jimmy Wang Yu star in a tale of convicted killers hired to be government assassins (the same year as NIKITA had a similar story to tell). With Roy Chiao, Barry Wong and plenty of great action. Director Ping is most well known for weirdness like FANTASY MISSION FORCE.

ISLAND OF LIVING HORROR See: BRIDES OF BLOOD

ISLAND OF LOST SOULS (1933 US) D: ERLE C. KENTON W: WALDEMAR YOUNG/PHILIP WYLIE Along with countless other movie fans worldwide I grew up enjoying the majority of the classic horror standards (usually from Universal) on tv. However ISLAND OF LOST SOULS always managed to slip me by. I don’t remember it ever turning up on the tube as I was growing up, I never saw it in any video shops and when I moved to the city it never turned up in any revival house/arthouse cinemas. In fact I didn’t get to see this until I was in my 20s, and it was one of the final entries for the 2004 draft of this book (realising it simply must be included I paid far too much for a used VHS copy from Amazon). It is a testament to how great and powerful a film it is that after all these years of watching far more grotesque and graphic shockers that ISLAND OF LOST SOULS still rocked my world when I finally sat down to watch it. Richard Arlen is the shipwreck victim who ends up captive at Charles Laughton’s remote South Seas island that doesn’t appear on the charts. Laughton is at his playful best as the truly reprehensible Dr. Moreau and 19-year-old Kathleen Burke is unforgettable as the animalistic Lota. Director Kenton (who was still directing in the 60s, having over 100 credits under his belt) helmed silents beginning in 1919, and this experience combined with Karl Struss’ b/w photography makes for some wonderful, truly cinematic images and touches. Bela Lugosi is recognisable as the Sayer of the Law, but you’ll be hard-pushed to spot Buster Crabbe, Randolph Scott and Alan Ladd as mutants. H.G. Wells’ story was (officially) remade twice under the ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU title, but seeing as they both suck I really can’t recommend this enough. With Leila Hyams from FREAKS (screenwriter Young also wrote screenplays for Tod Browning), Stanley Fields, Arthur Hohl, Paul Hurst, Tetsu Komai, George Irving, John George, Bob Cortman, Constantine Romanoff and Duke York.

ISLAND OF PERVERSION See: ISLAND OF DEATH

ISLAND OF TERROR (1966 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: SANTOS ALCOCER/AL RAMSEN P: TOM BLAKELEY Melted corpses with no bones are being found all over a remote island off the coast of Ireland. Turns out to be tentacled, blobbish creatures created by scientists researching a cure for cancer. Peter Cushing is one of the pathologists called in to investigate. Residents of the island end up barricaded from the slimy threat (that’s rapidly increasing) in this mild but enjoyable monster flick. With Sam Kydd, Niall MacGinnis and a fun ending.

ISLAND OF TERROR (1970) See: FIVE DOLLS FOR AN AUGUST MOON

ISLAND OF THE DAMNED See: WOULD YOU KILL A CHILD?

ISLAND OF THE DEAD (flyshock) (2000 US) D/W: TIM SOUTHAM W: PETER KOPER P: CHRISTINE KAVANAGH/ LUCIANO LISI An island off the coast of New York City is the final resting place for hundreds of unidentified dead bodies which are buried in mass graves. Malcolm McDowell is the political/corporate villain who wants to build Hope City on the site to house the city’s homeless and unemployed. However, a swarm of homicidal flies that lay maggots in living bodies attack McDowell and other various characters on the island. This real slow-moving waste of time doesn’t even have the decency to provide grossout maggots-bursting-from-bodies scenes. A bore. With Talisa Soto, Steffen Wink, Tyrone Benskin, Mos Def, Richard Justras, Michel Perron and Daniel Pilon.

ISLAND OF THE DEAD (2006) See: ISLAND OF THE LIVING DEAD (2006)

ISLAND OF THE FLESH EATERS See: ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS

ISLAND OF THE LIVING DEAD (1979) See: ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS

ISLAND OF THE LIVING DEAD (island of the dead; l’isola dei morti viventi) (2006 ITL) D/W: “VINCENT DAWN” (BRUNO MATTEI) W: ANTONIO TENTORI W/P: GIANNI PAOLUCCI Treasure hunters in a storm wash-up on an uncharted island. They find ruins full of the gut-munching living dead. It has something to do with a sunken Spanish galleon and a virus, while characters have visions and hallucinate. A confusing shot-onvideo throwback to Italian zombie movies of the late-70s/early 80s, and you get the feeling that if it had been shot on celluloid and had a pumping gothic soundtrack it could have been satisfying Eurotrash. But the flat look works against it, and it’s ultimately pretty boring. With several overt nods to expected genre classics like ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, but is the mysterious lute-playing figure an obscure reference to THE CURIOUS DR. HUMPP?! It stars Yvette Yzon (in several ofMattei’s later productions), and utilises what appears to be speeded-up silent movie footage (!?) during a disaster scene. Shot in the Philippines. Believe it or not, there was a sequel, ZOMBIES: THE BEGINNING.

ISLAND OF THE SAVAGE SEX SLAVES See: CONFESSIONS OF THE SEX SLAVES

ISLAND OF THE TWILIGHT PEOPLE See: THE TWILIGHT PEOPLE

THE ISLE (seom) (1999 S.KOR) D/W: KI-DUK KIM P: EUN LEE Mute Suh Jung owns a small shack and boat on a lakeside resort. She supplies the people who live in the small floating shacks in the lake with everything they need from bait and food to prostitutes. Quiet Yoosuk Kim slowly develops a troublesome yet genuine attachment to the girl, yet both are so remote and cut off from reality that their relationship manifests itself in bizarre, unconventional means. Quick note: that plot synopsis sucks. But it’s the nearest I could come to actually explaining what this unique, haunting classic is about. Forget the knee-jerk controversy about the fish hook scenes that you may have heard about, and check this one out. I can’t get some of the imagery out of my head. Highly recommended.

ISLE OF THE DEAD (1944 US) D: MARK ROBSON W: ARDEL WRAY/JOSEF MICHEL (uncredited) W/P: VAL LEWTON War-torn Greece, 1912. Boris Karloff stars as a ruthless army General who travels to a small island graveyard to visit his late wife’s tomb. Not only does he find the coffins desecrated by looters, but a small group of people staying there are showing signs of the plague. Karloff demands that they quarantine themselves, against their will. There is talk of science vs superstition, the God Hermes is worshipped, and an evil spirit (Vorvolaka, or Vyrkolakas, from Greek legend) may be at work. Often considered the least of the nine b/w chillers Lewton produced for RKO, this certainly lacks a tangible spooky dynamism, nor does it boast a strong narrative. But it is an interesting take on unfamiliar mythology, and does share the same sad, genuinely melancholic air of Robson’s underrated THE SEVENTH VICTIM, and the last 10 mins are very creepy. With Ellen Drew, Alan Napier, Jason Robards Sr., Ernst Deutsh, Sherry Hall and Skelton Knaggs. The title is derived from the Swiss symbolist Arnold Bocklin’s 19th century painting, which can be seen during the opening credits. It was made before, but released after THE BODY SNATCHER. Robson’s BEDLAM (1946) was the last in the timeless cycle.

ISOLA: MULTIPLE PERSONALITY GIRL (isola: tajuu jikaku shojo) (2000 JPN) D/W: TOSHIYUKI MIZUTANI W: ATSUSHI KUWAHARA/HIROSHI HATASIMA/MUGITA KINOSHITA P: FUMIO INOUE/ SHUNSUKE YAMADA Yoshio Kimura is a psychic volunteer relief worker helping out in Kobe after a major earthquake. She’s befriended by high school therapist Makiko Watanabe, who’s having difficulty with a schoolgirl afflicted with a serious multiple personality disorder (played by Yu Kurosawa, Akira Kurosawa’s granddaughter). Creepy supernatural stuff and murders/suicides occur in this tepid adaption of a book by Yuusuke Kishi. With Ken Ishiguro, Susumu Terajima, Hideo Murota, and see if you can spot Takashi Miike.

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE (day of the woman; blood angel) (1978 US) D/W/P: MEIR ZARCHI P: JOSEPH ZBEDA You may have heard some people try to explain how this notorious rape-revenge movie has a strong feminist subtext. Nonsense, it’s strong firstclass exploitation and that’s that. Camille Keaton (Buster’s granddaughter) stars as the woman raped in the woods by four men, and who later tracks them down and kills them in vicious ways (the castration in the bath is the most memorable). I first saw this when I was 16, pretty naïve about strong rape-themed “entertainment”, and stoned out of my mind. It was pretty fucking shocking.

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE (2010 US) D: STEVEN R. MONROE W: STUART MORSE P: LISA HANSEN/ PAUL HERTZBERG Slick remake of the notorious 1978 “video nasty”. It stars Sarah Butler (who’s no Camille Keaton) as a writer staying at a remote cabin, being humiliated, raped (including sodomised) and left for dead by a bunch of sadistic hicks. It deviates from the original by having the sheriff (the Welsh Andrew Howard, from the excellent THE DEVIL’S CHAIR) involved, while the atrocities are recorded on a video camera. Butler returns (given an almost supernatural air, not present in the original) to wreak gory vengeance. A fairly pointless rehash for any of the following groups of people: (1) Those who (incorrectly) saw the original as feminist empowerment (ha ha!) will certainly see no such subtext here, (2) Modern exploitation fans won’t find much shocking or grotesque enough to be subversive, and (3) Connoisseurs of grimy sleaze will find the modern sheen much less aesthetically visceral and memorable than the original (which always did for me what the overrated LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT was supposed to). With Jeff Branson and Tracey Walter. Meir Zarchi was an executive producer for this CineTel/Anchor Bay release.

I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (last summer 2) (1998 US) D: DANNY CANNON W: TREY CALLAWAY/STEPHEN GAGHAN P: NEAL H. MORITZ/WILLIAM S. BEASLEY/ERIK FEIG/STOKELY CHAFFIN Jennifer Love Hewitt returns (as does Freddie Prinz Jr.) from the original in this dull sequel from the British director of JUDGE DREDD and THE YOUNG AMERICANS (1993). Hewitt, Brandy Norwood, Mekhi Phifer and Matthew Settle win a weekend in the Bahamas (during stormy season) and hook-handed Muse Watson returns to kill. The twist is along the same lines as the one in SCREAM 2. With Bill Cobbs (the clock-keeper in THE HUDSUCKER PROXY), Jeffrey Combs (in a pretty wasted role) and John Hawkes.

IT! (1966 UK US) D/W/P: HERBERT J. LEDER Roddy McDowall is a museum curator’s assistant who can command an ancient stone statue to kill. He also talks to his dead mother’s skeleton. Very weak GOLEM update from the director of THE FROZEN DEAD. With Ian McCulloch and Russell Napier. I liked the part when the military use a rocket launcher on IT!

IT (1990 US CAN) D/W: TOMMY LEE WALLACE W: LAWRENCE D. COHEN Small-town kids are terrrorised by a magic, evil clown with sharp teeth (Tim Curry) who returns to get them when they grow up in this mostly superior Stephen King adaptation that has a disappointing stop-motion spider ending. This four hour miniseries has similarities with King’s Stand By Me and Ray Bradbury’s Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983). With Richard Thomas, Annette O’Toole, John Ritter, Richard Masur, Dennis Christopher, Olivia Hussey, Jonathan Brandis, Seth Green, Emily Perkins, Jay Brazeau, Frank C. Turner, William B. Davis, Gary Chalk and Tom Heaton.

THE ITALIAN JOB (1969 UK) D: PETER COLLINSON W: TROY KENNEDY MARTIN P: MICHAEL DEELEY Ex-con Michael Caine plans to rob gold bars in Turin, Italy with the help of a fleet of Mini cars (getaway and confusion) in this not-bad caper movie that has quite a cult reputation in its homeland. The only part I think is excellent is the opening scene. With Noël Coward, Benny Hill, Jehn Le Mesurier, Raf Vallone, Rossano Brazzi, Robert Powell, Irene Handl, Stanley Baker (ROBBERY) and Valerie Leon. A remake was released in 2003. (“Peter Collinson”, by the way, was an early Dashiell Hammett pseudonym that he used for the pulps.)

ITALIAN STALLION (party at kitty and stud’s) (1970 US) D: MORTON LEWIS W/P: MILTON LEWIS After REBEL Sylvester Stallone was paid $200 to act in PARTY AT KITTY AND STUD’S, a cheap New York-lensed adults only time-waster. Years later when he became more well-known someone cut it, added some new music, dialogue and solarized FX, taggedon an introduction and it was released as ITALIAN STALLION. The result is a braindead but enjoyable look at a major star’s early career. Stallone is Stud, a card-playing “far out” bohemian who sometimes gets violent. But this only turns on Kitty, his chick more (“I love rubbing on his strong shaft, ooooh!”). Kitty also dances around the house (to take her mind off Stud) in a see-through negligee. One woman at their house party strips and says “Hell, he told me this was gonna be an art movie” into the camera. An orgy ensues. Apparently a hardcore version exists, but I don’t know if Stallone was involved.

IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA (1955 US) D: ROBERT GORDON W: GEORGE WORTHING YATES/ HAL SMITH P: CHARLES H. SCHNEER A giant octopus disturbed by H-bomb testing attacks an atomic submarine and later climbs up the pillars of the Golden Gate Bridge in this talky b/w sci-fi monster movie that pays-off with Ray Harryahusen’s great stop-motion octo (that only has five tentacles, as if that matters). Kenneth Tobey and Donald Curtis star, with Ian Keith, Harry Lauter, Roy Engel and Sam Hayes.

IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE (1953 US) D: JACK ARNOLD W: HARRY ESSEX P: WILLIAM ALLAND This b/w 3D alien invasion hit seems dated nowadays with little action but it’s still a great sci-fi flick. Richard Carlson is the scientist who’s seen a crashlanded alien spacecraft. No one else in the Arizona desert community believes him of course, but they’re soon being duplicated to help repair the visitors’ ship. The floating eyeball surveillance device is marvellous. With Barbara Rush, Charles Drake, Joe Sawyer, Russell Johnson, Budd Buster, Edgar Dearing, George Eldredge, Dave Willock and theremin music. Future OCTAMAN director (!) Essex based his script on Ray Bradbury’s story The Meteor. THE GLASS WEB was Arnold’s other 53 3D movie. A belated “sequel” appeared in 1996.

IT CAME WITHOUT WARNING See: WITHOUT WARNING

IT COMES IN THE DARKNESS (mun ma kab kwam mued) (1972 THAI) D: PRINCE CHATRICHALERM YUKOL The director is a Prince of the Royal Thai Family, who studied filmmaking in America. Before making his later, acclaimed social problem dramas for which he is best known, his debut feature was a very long (140 min) throwback to 50s monster movies, and the first Thai sci-fi film. Basically, an astronomer and his assistant from Bangkok Planetarium travel to a seaside village when they suspect a meteorite has landed off the coast there. It has, and a (largely unseen) tentacled beast is turning the locals into zombies, with glowing green eyes that emit laser beams that can disintegrate. Sound cool? Well, if it was half the length then it might be, but this just drags on and on, with way too much talk, and even a couple of uninspired musical numbers. There’s no real pay-off either. Only for the patient and truly curious. Yuko’s former classmate Francis Ford Coppola helped market his 2001 hit epic SURIYOTHAI abroad.

IT CONQUERED THE WORLD (1956 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: LOU RUSOFF/CHARLES B. GRIFFITH Paul Blaisdell in his bizarre Venusian “carrot-monster” costume causes many to ridicule this b/w sci-fi quickie, but I think these people are looking at it all wrong. It’s the perfect, fantastic alien monster (that sends out flying bats to zombify human slaves) with which to end this fun, fast-paced favourite. It’s one of Corman’s best and is certainly better than his previous attempt at the genre, THE DAY THE WORLD ENDED. Lee Van Cleef is the misguided scientist who brings IT to Earth and Peter Graves (KILLERS FROM SPACE) is the hero who must stop IT. The cracking cast is topped-off with Beverly Garland, Russ Bender, Dick Miller, Jonathan Haze, Thomas E. Jackson and screenwriter Charles B. Griffith. Larry Buchanan remade it as ZONTAR, THE THING FROM VENUS.

IT FELL FROM THE SKY See: THE ALIEN DEAD

IT HAPPENED AT LAKEWOOD MANOR See: ANTS!

I, THE JURY (1982 US) D: RICHARD T. HEFFRON W: LARRY COHEN P: ROBERT H. SOLO Armand Assante is Mike Hammer in this bad sex’n’violence thriller. Cohen’s script (which has little to do with the original novel, previously filmed in 1952) has an interesting plot about a CIA-funded sex clinic (run by Barbara Carrera) used to find psychos that can be programmed as assassins. It’s too bad they didn’t let him direct as well. Instead the producers insisted on too much brainless action and Assante is just not Hammer. With Alan King, Laurence Landon, Geoffrey Lewis, Paul Sorvino and Samantha Fox. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for mindless nudity and violence, but there’s not enough of this that’s good, either. DEADLY ILLUSION is another Cohen Hammer vehicle.

IT LIVES AGAIN (it’s alive 2) (1978 US) D/W/P: LARRY COHEN After the events of the first film, a special team has been assembled to track down the expectant mothers of possible other mutants and exterminate the fetuses before birth. John P. Ryan (the father from the original) believes this new species should be given love and a chance to live, so he warns an expectant couple (the father is Frederic Forrest) and takes the homicidal tot to a special, secret research “nursery”. Eddie Constantine is a doctor sympathetic to the cause. More of a formulaic horror flick than the original, but not bad. With John Marley. Notable for featuring Bernard Herrmann’s last score, put together posthumously (he bought the farm in 75) by Laurie Johnson. IT’S ALIVE 3 followed in the 80s.

IT LIVES BY NIGHT (the bat people; angel of fear; it’s alive) (1974 US) D: JERRY JAMESON W/P: LOU SHAW Some kind of scientist is bitten by a bat during a cave tour. This somehow results in him transforming into a bat person and killer. We only get to see his makeup very briefly (and in the dark). Nothing much happens, and there’s a stupid surprise ending. With Michael Pataki and Arthur Space.

IT LIVES WITHIN HER See: THE DEVIL WITHIN HER (1975)

IT’S ALIVE (1968 US) D/W/P: LARRY BUCHANAN W: RICHARD MATHESON (uncredited) This amazingly inept feature from Buchanan was the last of his eight movie package deal for AIP. A New York couple travelling cross-country in their car run out of gas down the wrong turn-off and end up the captive of a strange farmer (Bill Thurman), who keeps a fish monster in an underground cave (also Thurman, in a pretty pathetic but endearing CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON-style outfit). From the outset, and the incredibly sombre narration at the film’s opening, you know you’re in for a good time. There’s a particularly long time-wasting flashback where Thurman terrorises Anne McAdams with a whistle. With Tommy Kirk, Shirley Bonne and other Buchanan regular Annabelle Weenick. Essential viewing.

IT’S ALIVE (1974 US) D/W/P: LARRY COHEN Sharon Farrell gives birth to a mutant baby (briefly seen but effective Rick Baker FX) that slaughters everyone in the delivery room and takes-off on an LA killing spree. Unusual, typically Cohen (unfocused and messy, but filled with ideas and vitality) hit plays less like a horror film than a drama that happens to have a monster in it. John P. Ryan is the really confused dad. With Andrew Duggan, Guy Stockwell and Michael Ansara.

IT’S ALIVE (1974/II) See: IT LIVES BY NIGHT

IT’S ALIVE 2 See: IT LIVES AGAIN

IT’S ALIVE 3: ISLAND OF THE ALIVE (1986 US) D/W: LARRY COHEN P: PAUL STADER/PAUL KURTA Very good final entry for the trilogy stars Michael Moriarty as a struggling actor and father of a mutant baby who goes to court so that the new species can be left alone on a deserted island, away from humans. But years later an expedition to the island results in the babies (and their children) escaping to Florida and tracking down their mother (Karen Black). One of Cohen’s most cohesive 80s pictures, with a great performance from Moriarty (also in Q and RETURN TO SALEM’S LOT) and some stop-motion animation mixed in with the Rick Baker makeup and men-inmonster suits. With Laureen Landon, Gerrit Graham, Neal Israel, MacDonald Carey and Dawn Wildsmith.

IT’S CALLED MURDER, BABY See: DIXIE RAY: HOLLYWOOD STAR

IT’S HOT IN PARADISE See: HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND

IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND (never too late to mend; never too late) (1937 UK) D: DAVID MacDONALD W: H.F. MALTBY P: GEORGE KING Tod Slaughter fans will want to see man in a dual role as a gleefully sadistic prison governor and a corrupt squire, who sends an innocent man to prison because he wants the girl. Based on a turn of the century play about bad prison conditions by Charles Reade and Arthur Shirley that actually resulted in prison reform (and had already been filmed in 1913, 1917 and 1922), this is just another ultra-melodramatic Grand Guignol Slaughter vehicle. That’s no complaint, mind you. Slaughter’s behaviour results in a little kid dying from overwork, and one of his prison board peers says “I have no patience with people who are starving”! Wonderful stuff. With Laurence Hanray. In b/w.

IT’S NOTHING, ONLY A GAME See: BEYOND EROTICA

IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE (1958 US) D: EDWARD L. CAHN W: JEROME BIXBY P: ROB ERT E. KING/EDWARD SMALL Former western star and gorilla suit icon Ray “Crash” Corrigan ended his career as “It!”, a blood-drinking martian monster (suit designed by Paul Blaisdell) with clawed hands who hides in the air shafts of a spaceship and pops up to kill the crew. Since discovering its influence on the later ALIEN, some genre critics have gone out of their way to lavish praise on IT! But IT! is no classic, it is however an above average b/w quickie from Cahn with some good scares and a cool monster. The ultimate late-night gem for insomniacs. With Ann Doran, Dabbs Greer, Robert Bice and Pierre Watkin.

I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU (slash) (1998 US) D: CHRISTOPHER LEITCH W: DUANE POOL P: GERALD T. OLSON Sarah Chalke is the new outsider teen in a small Massachusetts town where a witch was burned 300 years earlier. A curse on her murderers’ descendents seems to come true and Chalke becomes the main suspect. Meanwhile a hooded figure with a claw hand kills. Light tv horror is predictable, but ok time-filler. Soleil Moon Frye is the main bitchy in-crowd girl, and Ben Foster is the bullied geek. With Maggie Lawson, Tom Heaton, Gillian Barber and Carly pope. Based on Lois Duncan’s novel Gallows Hill.

IVOR CUTLER: LOOKING FOR THE TRUTH WITH A PIN (2005 UK) D/P: PAUL SPENCER As other British radio (primarily John Peel) listeners across the generations, I discovered the surreal, unique joys of Ivor Cutler’s harmonium-led poetry over the airwaves, sandwiched between more raucous bursts of contemporary noise. If you’ve not heard of him before, I’m not sure if this 59 mins BBC documentary on the man would serve as a good primer. But for fans it’s a gently rewarding look at an eccentric one-off, that features rare footage of his tv appearances over the years. As well as interviews with Cutler himself, you get memories from his longtime girlfriend Phyllis King, Billy Connolly, Andy Kershaw, Paul McCartney (Cutler was in the Beatles’ MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR), Ned Sherrin, Neil Innes (who’s very funny) and Robert Wyatt and his artist wife (she also drew an LP cover for Gorky’s Zygtic Mynci). It ends with a look at his final gig (at the age of 81), held at the Queen Elizabeth Hall.

I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE (1943 US) D: JACQUES TURNER W: CURT SIODMAK/ARDEL WRAY/INEZ WALLACE P: VAL LEWTON One of Lewton and Tourner’s best is a slow, talky supernatural drama (maybe too much so for some exploitation and horror fans) based on Charlotte Bronte’s gothic standard Jane Eyre. Stick with it and it leaves a mark. I often remember this dreamlike adult fairy tale and I’ve only seen it once. Frances Dee is the new nurse at a West Indies plantation. With Tom Conway, James Ellison, James Bell, Jeni Le Gon as a dancer and Theresa Harris. A lowkey b/w classic that I rate higher than the more celebrated CAT PEOPLE.

I WANT TO BE YOU See: INFERNAL AFFAIRS

I WAS A TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN (teenage frankenstein) (1957 US) D: HERBERT L. STROCK W/P: HERMAN COHEN W: “KENNETH LANGTRY” (ABEN KANDEL) AIP’s follow up to I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF is actually much better than you may have heard, working perfectly as fast-paced, tongue-in-cheek trash. Whit Bissell is the LA-based doctor who creates a muscle-bound monster that ends up with Gary Conway’s badly scarred head. The electrocution finale of this b/w movie bursts into colour (a decent effect). With Robert Burton and George Lynn. I like Hammer period horror, but would much rather watch this again than the somewhat overrated CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN that came out (from a more traditional angle) the same year. HOW TO MAKE A MONSTER is the companion piece to this and WEREWOLF.

I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF (1957 US) D: GENE FOWLER JR. W/P: HERMAN COHEN W: “RALPH THORNTON” (ABEN KANDEL) Whit Bisell is the real villain in this b/w AIP hit. He’s the psychiatrist who hypnotises schoolboy troublemaker Michael Landon, resulting in his transformation into a angstridden wolfman whenever the school bell rings. It’s pretty mediocre stuff, but hit a chord with American youth (there’s rock’n’roll in it, too) so a follow up (the more fun I WAS A TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN, also with Bissel) and endless horror/sci-fi/r’n’r cheapies aimed at teens followed. With Yvonne Lime, Guy Williams, Dawn Richard, Vladimir Sokoloff and Cohen. See also HOW TO MAKE A MONSTER. I guess it was remade as TEEN WOLF in the 80s.

I WILL WALK LIKE A CRAZY HORSE (I will go like a wild horse; j’rai comme un cheval fou) (1973 FRA) D/W: FERNANDO ARRBAL Arrabal followed his debut VIVA LA MUERTE with this one. A man from a wealthy upbringing is on the run from the police with a stash of stolen jewellery. He hides out in the desert and meets a very short bearded man and his goat. The hermit can communicate with animals and insects and can turn day into night with a snap of his fingers. They go to Paris and rent a luxurious apartment and install a garden. After an accidental murder they end up back in the desert for some cannibalism and body-swapping. Not the best plot synopsis in the world, but you try conveying the feel of this dated, surreal satire in words. Filled with many random, disturbing images (or rather, disturbing for 1973) and awkward symbolism, CRAZY HORSE is still worthwhile viewing and looks great, but has lost its subversive power. With Emmanuelle Riva, Marco Perrin and Raoul Curet.

JABBERWALK See: THIS IS AMERICA

JABBERWOCKY (1977 UK) D/W: TERRY GILLIAM W: CHARLES ALVERSON P: SANFORD LIEBERSON Michael Palin stars as a cooper’s son who travels to the city to find his fortune, only to get accidentally involved in a jousting tournament, itself a competition to find a brave knight worthy of slaying a monster that has been terrorising the countryside. I have a mixed history regarding my reactions to Gilliam’s first solo directorial feature (following MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL). As a child I loved it, a decade later rewatching it, I was severely disappointed. Watching it again in my mid-30s, I absolutely love the dark, grotty, starving medieval world captured here like lightning in a bottle (DP Terry Bedford was fired during production, so I’m not entirely sure who is responsible for the look), but as entertainment it certainly falls between two stools. The comedy is not often that funny (though never annoying or ill-judged), but viewers expecting a straightforward adventure might be put off by its less-than-serious tone throughout. It’s certainly a unique oddity, and I feel a lot of goodwill towards it, even if overall I would label it an interesting failure. With John Le Mesurier, Warren Mitchell as Mr. Fishfinger, Max Wall as King Bruno the Questionable, Bernard Bresslaw, Harry Corbett, John Bird, Neil Innes, Terry Jones, Brian Glover, Bryan Pringle, Harold Goodwin, Christopher Logue, Gordon Kaye as a nun, Gilliam and David Prowse. It was largely shot around two castles in Wales (Chepstow and Pembroke), and, of course, gets its title from the nonsense poem by Lewis Carroll (credited under his real name, Charles Dodgson). JABBERWOCKY was also a 1971 Jan Švankmajer short. Gilliam’s next was TIME BANDITS.

THE JACKAL (le chacal; der shakal) (1997 US UK FRA GER JPN) D/P: MICHAEL CATON-JONES W: CHUCK PFARRER P: SEAN DANIEL/JAMES JACKS/ KEVIN JARRE This is based on Kenneth Ross’ screenplay for THE DAY OF THE JACKAL (1973) (as opposed to the original novel). Bruce Willis is not entirely convincing as the hi-tech hitman working for an underground Russian intelligence agency, while Richard Gere (as a convict helping the FBI find him) has some odd ideas concerning an Irish accent. Some moments are effective. Some are very silly. Overall mostly dull, and overlong at two hours. With Sidney Poitier, Diane Venora, Tess Harper, J.K. Simmons, Mathilda May, Larry King, Jack Black, Leslie Phillips, David Hayman, Caton-Jones, Serge Houde, Jarmo Makinen and J. Christoffer Slotte.

JACK FROST (killer snowman) (1996 US) D/W: MICHAEL COONEY W/P: JEREMY PAIGE P: VICKI SLOTNICK In this stupid festive comedy horror, a convicted serial killer is exposed to chemicals that turn him into a ridiculous looking snowman that can turn into water and back again and shoot icicles. A small town fights back against the wisecracking man-in-a-suit monster (when it does actually move, which isn’t often). Could possibly be enjoyed if you’re in a really silly mood. I wonder if anyone rented this accidentally while searching for the family film starring Michael Keaton of the same name? A prestardom Shannon Elizabeth is raped in the bath.

JACK FROST 2: REVENGE OF THE KILLER MUTANT SNOWMAN (2000 US) D/W: MICHAEL COONEY P: JEREMY PAIGE/VICKI SLOTNICK The killer snowman (or part of him in a lab) melts in an accident, escapes down the drain and eventually ends up on a Caribbean island resort run by The Colonel, who talks with a Brit accent about a war in India. More of an out-and-out comedy than the original, and it’s rarely (never?) funny. If you get the dvd version then the deaths are gorier (an anvil lands on a girl in a bikini and flying icicles cause a head to explode). With Ian Abercrombie. It was all filmed on sets, so nobody left North America. Amazingly Cooney also wrote the extremely good and different IDENTITY.

JACKIE BROWN (1998 US) D/W: QUENTIN TARANTINO P: LAWRENCE BENDER Some found it a little too low-key after his RESERVOIR DOGS and PULP FICTION (and the FOUR ROOMS segment), but Tarantino’s adaption of Elmore Leonard’s novel Rum Punch is faithful and distinctively original, and above all very well done and engrossing. Pam Grier stars as the title air hostess caught smuggling money in from Mexico for gunrunner Samuel L. Jackson (who’s particularly good here). Robert Forster gets a new lease of life as a bounty hunter involved in the simple yet fragile plot that would be ruined if explained here. With Robert DeNiro, Bridget Fonda, Michael Bowen, Chris Tucker, Denise Crosby, Aimee Graham, Sid Haig and Tarantino’s voice on an answer phone.

JACKIE CHAN’S CRIME FORCE See: GOLDEN QUEEN’S COMMANDO

JACKIE CHAN’S FIRST STRIKE See: FIRST STRIKE

JACKIE CHAN’S POLICE FORCE See: POLICE STORY

JACKIE CHAN’S THE 36 CRAZYFISTS See: THE 36 CRAZY FISTS

JACKIE CHAN: SUPERFIGHTER 3 See: FEARLESS HYENA

JACKIE CHAN VS. WANG YU See: THE KILLER METEORS

JACK-0 See: JACKO LANTERN

JACKO LANTERN (jack-o) (1995 US) D/P: STEVE LATSAHAW W/P: PATRICK MORAN W: FRED OLEN RAY/BRAD LINAWEAVER A little kid has nightmares about past lives in the lead up to Halloween. A mysterious female stranger tries to convince his parents (busy preparing a haunted garage) that only the kid can put an end to some ancient curse that results in a pumpkin-headed figure decapitating small-town teens with a scythe. This dumb horror movie features two dead horror icons through the miracle of editing. John Carradine is briefly seen as some kind of warlock in a hooded cape, and (more convincingly) Cameron Mitchell is seen on tv as horror host Dr. Cadaver, introducing his Asylum of Horrors. Linnea Quigley is a babysitter who has a shower scene, and both Brinke Stevens and Dawn Wildsmith have parts, too.

JACK’S BACK (1998 US) D/W: ROWDY HERRINGTON P: TIM MOORE/CASSIAN ELWES/ANDREA BLAY (uncredited)/ELLIOTT KASTNER (uncredited) A serial killer in LA is duplicating Jack the Ripper’s crimes on their 100th anniversary. James Spader stars in a dual role in this above average psycho thriller that has quite good plot twists. Nothing brilliant but worth checking out if it comes your way. With Chris Mulkey, Robert Picardo, Elwes and Jim Haynie.

JACKSON’S BACK See: THE HAND OF DEATH (1988)

JACK’S WIFE See: SEASON OF THE WITCH

JACK THE GIANT KILLER (1962 US) D/W: NATHAN JURAN W: ORVILLE H. HAMPTON P: EDWARD SMALL Kerwin Mathews (in Juran’s THE 7TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD) is the heroic Jack who must protect Cornish princess Judi Meredith from the evil monster-making Pendragon and his creations. Fantasy suffers from some dodgy FX that ruin some otherwise very good Harryhausen inspired stop-motion (an octo-lizard, two-headed monster, horned ogre etc.) and an annoying little leprechaun (Walter Burke) in a jar. Good for kids, though. With Torin Thatcher, Don Beddoe, Barry Kelley and Anna Lee. JACK THE GIANT SLAYER (2013) was unrelated.

JACK THE RIPPER (der dimenmorder von london) (1976 W.GER SWITZ) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO P: ERWIN C. DIETRICH Klaus Kinski plays the kindly doctor (Dr. Orlof!) turned slasher (who is actually caught in the end) in this better-than-average Franco production. Bears some resemblance to the silent 1920 version of DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (with John Barrymore), but with gore and nudity. With Josephine Chaplin (Charlie’s daughter), Lina Romay (her leg and breasts are removed), Herbert Fox, Andreas Mannkopff and Friedrich Schonfelder.

JADE CLAW See: CRYSTAL FIST

JADE JUNGLE See: ARMED RESPONSE

JADE KILLER See: THE EIGHTEEN JADE ARHATS

JAIL BAIT (hidden face) (1954 US) D/W/P: EDWARD D. WOOD JR. Dolores Fuller’s brother hangs around with lowlife Timothy Farrell, who double crosses him after a security guard is shot during a hold-up. Fuller’s plastic surgeon father plots a ridiculous but satisfying revenge in this solid B picture with typically great Wood dialogue. Lyle Talbot and Steve Reeves are cops. With Herb Rawlinson, Bud Osborne, Mona McKinnon, Don Nagel, Henry Bederski, Conrad Brooks, and look for Wood. Hoyt Axton’s notoriously maddening flamenco score was reused for Ron Ormond’s MESA OF LOST WOMEN (also with Talbot). Minstrel footage from Ormond’s YES SIR, MR. BONES (1951) can be seen in some versions. Reeves hit it big as HERCULES in Italy the following year.

THE JAIL: THE WOMEN’S HELL (prison island; anime perse) (2006 ITL) D/W: “VINCENT DAWN” (BRUNO MATTEI) W: ANTONIO TENTORI W/P: GIANNI PAOLUCCI You’ve got to hand it to Mattei, he tirelessly chased that 70s/80s Eurotrash vibe until the very end (he died in 2007). Apart from the flat shot-onvideo look, this could have brought the house down in 42nd Street’s heyday, with its frequently topless (mostly Asian) women in a tropical prison story line (it was shot in the Philippines). Catfights, rapes, a dyke warden, a lecherous male doctor, lesbian gropings in the shower, whippings, a stool-pigeon beaten to death, convicts loaned to a strip joint/whorehouse where a crippled old white guy (Mike Monty, another exploitation mainstay who passed away soon after) leers as a snake slithers over a tied-up naked chick, and a water cage with hungry rats. Then, following the most inept jailbreak attempt into the jungle, it’s MOST DANGEROUS GAME time with native guides, CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST and FEROX gore scene lifts and a knife in the cunt! I also liked the human buffet table crazed orgy scene, and after a girl is beaten and raped, a fellow convict soothes her with “don’t feel down. It makes it worse”. Kind of an ultra-sleazy greatest women-in-prison hits remix for a new generation. Yvette Yzon stars.

JAMAICA INN (1939 UK) D: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: SYDNEY GILLIAT/JOAN HARRISON P: ERICH POMMER/CHARLES LAUGHTON Laughton is the villainous Cornish village Squire who’s also secretly the leader of a bunch of cutthroat pirates that lure ships to crash on the rocks so they can steal the cargo in this untypical and underrated Hitchcock adventure with some great b/w atmosphere. It’s based on Daphne du Maurier’s novel. With Leslie Banks, Mervyn Johns, Maureen O’Hara, Hay Petrie, Frederick Piper, Robert Newton, A. Bromley Davenport, Edwin Greenwood, O.B. Clarence, John Longden, Aubrey Mather and Marie Ault. It was Hitchcock’s last British movie for a long time; he went to America to film du Maurier’s REBECCA next. JAMIACA INN was remade for tv in 1985.

JANDEK ON CORWOOD (2003 US) D/P: CHAD FRIEDRICHS P: PAUL FEHLER Journalists, musicians and fans talk about Jandek, a prolific, unique recording artist who’s been putting out incomparable lo-fi LPs since 1978, mostly of him alone strumming an out-of-tune guitar while whisper-singing melancholy, haunting lyrics. Notoriously reclusive, the big coup for fans will be the brief final segment in which you can hear a rare phone interview with the guy. Other than that it’s better viewing for the uninitiated, or those just beginning to get into him, and in that respect it is in fact a very good primer documentary, which understands that the myth is more important than the reality. The visuals between talking heads are mostly (fitting) landscapes, eerie and sparse. Since this was released, Jandek has played a few high-profile, heavily attended gigs.

J AND S: CRIMINAL STORY OF AN OUTLAW COUPLE (bandera bandits; far west story; sonny and jed; cronaca criminale del far west; los hijos de y la noche; die rote sonne der rache; j and s: storia criminale del far west) (1972 ITL SPN W.GER) D/W: SERGIO CORBUCCI W: MARIO AMENDOLA/ADRIANO BOLZONI/José MARIA FORQUE/MICHAEL HALLER/SABATINO CIUFFINI Tomas Milian is an outlaw and self-proclaimed “animal” who reluctantly drags outlaw wannabe Susan George along with him. They eventually become a married couple hold-up team. Telly Savalas is the lawman on their trail. This excellent and sadly neglected western manages to be convincingly brutal and vulgar, funny, poignant and romantic. And it’s got good action, too. With Rossana Yanni, Eduardo Fajardo, Herbert Fux, Franco Giacobini, Werner Pochath, Laura Betti and Alvaro De Luna. Corbucci’s most famous westerns are the classics DJANGO and THE GREAT SILENCE, but he also made others like this, THE HELLBENDERS, RINGO AND HIS GOLDEN PISTOL, A PROFESSIONAL GUN, COMPANEROS etc. One of the earliest examples of the spaghtetti western was his MINESOTTA CLAY (with Cameron Mitchell). And he didn’t just make westerns, you’ll find things like GOLIATH AND THE VAMPIRES and SUPERSNOOPER in his filmography as well.

JAN-GEL, THE BEAST FROM THE EAST (1999 US) D/W/P: CONRAD BROOKS Brooks dedicates this to Tor Johnson and Edward D. Wood Jr. (who he famously worked for way back when). It begins when George Stover gets a phone-call while drinking Saku beer. We learn that a caveman encased in ice was lost at sea during transportation from Finland to America. This results in a balding, bearded fat guy with bulging eyes stalking the West Virginia countryside in leopard skin. Brooks plays pretty much himself, a cheerful, friendly guy in a cowboy hat. Him, some guy disguised in army fatigues and a guy they call “rookie” search for the beast Jan-Gel after he kidnaps a young woman and takes her into the woods. He shows his sensitive side by rescuing her from a rubber snake (he stuffs it in his mouth and yells for a long time). Comic relief comes from a hermit with a spider in a paper bag. This amateurish 53 mins shot-on-video effort is old-fashioned (no sex or gore) and likeably inept. For some reason the sequel was spelt JENGAL 2, so is reviewed further on in this book rather than next.

JASON See: BLOODY MURDER

JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS (1963 UK) D: DON CHAFFEY W: JAN READ/BEVERLY CROSS P: CHARLES H. SCHNEER In this memorable Greek fantasy based on a poem by Apollonius Rhodius, Todd Armstrong stars as Jason who leads a galleon of men (including Hercules for a while) to “the end of the world” to retrieve the golden fleece, a gift from the gods. Honor Blackman is the Queen of the Gods who control events on a heavenly chessboard and views them through a smoky pool. But, of course, the main reasons to watch are the stop-motion FX of the great Ray Harryhausen (also an executive producer). A giant bronze statue comes to life and no one forgets the sword fighting skeletons (as in the much better THE 7TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD) born of a Hydra’s teeth scattered on the ground. With Patrick (DR. WHO) Troughton, Laurence Naismith, Nancy Kovack, Niall MacGinnis, Nigel Green and John Crawford. Remade for tv in 2000.

JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY (1993 US) D/W: ADAM MARCUS W: DEAN LORELY/JAY HUGELY P: SEAN S. CUNNINGHAM This ridiculous but dull ninth entry in the series begins with Jason (Kane Hodder) being blown-up by the National Guard. A coroner eats his brain and Jason’s spirit possesses him (and later other characters). When he looks in the mirror he appears as Jason. Steven Williams is weird as a crazed bounty hunter who breaks fingers. The gory KNB FX includes a girl being sliced in half during an on-top sex scene and there are awkward attempts at humour and in-jokes. With Erin Gray, Rusty Schwimmer, Richard Grant, Michael B. Silver and Marcus (a 25-year-old NYC graduate making his feature debut). The cosmic ending has big hands dragging Jason down to Hell, and a set-up shot for FREDDY VS. JASON (which didn’t appear for another 10 years). Next was JASON X.

JASON X (2001 US) D/P: JAMES ISAAC W: TODD FARMER P: NOEL CUNNINGHAM Or, Friday The 13th Part 10. In space. Future scouting team from Earth 2 thaw out the invincible Jason Vorhess from cryogenic suspension (along with heroine Lexa Doig). He escapes aboard their spaceship bound for home, and the crew seem just as horny as Camp Crystal Lake teens. The best killing is a frozen face that’s smashed to pieces. Otherwise it’s no real improvement on the usual formula. The best part for me was a knowing, self-referential spoof set at Camp Crystal Lake circa 1980. With Peter Mensah, Lisa Ryder (as an android), Melyssa Ade, Derwin Jordan, Dov Tiefenbach, Boyd Banks, Yani Gellman, Dylan Bierk, Jeff Geddis and David Cronenberg. Sean S. Cunningham was an executive producer. FREDDY VS. JASON followed.

JAWS (1975 US) D: STEVEN SPIELBERG W: PETER BENCHLEY/CARL GOTTLIEB P: RICHARD D. ZANUCK/ DAVID BROWN This adaptation of Benchley’s unremarkable but best-selling novel is the pinnacle of Spielberg’s career in this author’s opinion. His promising early efforts all lead up to this, and everything since (from the horrible, saccharine, overrated mess that is CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND) has been hogwash (although some more recent Spielberg hits have been a return to form). I don’t need to go into the details of this masterpiece of sustained suspense that I’m sure left many in fear of the sea (I was and we don’t get sharks in Wales). If you find yourself thinking “oh shit, that’s on again” when it crops up on tv next time, actually sit down and watch it again from beginning to end, I think people have forgotten how good it is. It peaks at just the right moments and is audience manipulation at its most precise. Doesn’t matter if you’ve got a pristine widescreen print on a remastered dvd, or are watching it on a rundown old b/w tv with a dial, this works anywhere. Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw are great as the mismatched, reluctant heroes. With Murray Hamilton, John Landis, Benchley, Spielberg and that John Williams score that has become as much a part of our culture as the PSYCHO shower scene violins. Check out THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON for the underwater photography that inspired it.

JAWS 2 (1978 US) D: JEANNOT SZWARC W: CARL GOTTLIEB/HOWARD SACKLER P: RICHARD D. ZANUCK/ DAVID BROWN Roy Scheider returns in this lesser sequel that has a Great White terrorising catamaraning teens. It’s watchable (if overlong), but doesn’t generate any tension. With Murray Hamilton and a young Keith Gordon (with some great sideburns). Joe Alves (who had been production designer for both and is second unit director here) got to helm part 3.

JAWS 3D (1983 US) D: JOE ALVES W: RICHARD MATHESON/CARL GOTTLIEB/MICHAEL KANE/ GUERDON TRUEBLOOD In another silly sequel (originally in 3D), Dennis Quaid stars as the son of Sheriff Brody, training dolphins to help him fight the shark at Florida’s Undersea Kingdom water park. The highlight I suppose is the shark smashing through an underwater walkway filled with tourists. With Bess Armstrong, Louis Gossett Jr., Barbara Eden, John Putch, Simon McCorkindale and the debut of Lea Thompson. Apparently this was originally set to be a comedy called Jaws 3, People 0.

JAWS 4: THE REVENGE (1987 US) D/P: JOSEPH SARGENT P: MICHAEL DE GUZMAN They just get worse. This time the incredibly stupid script expects you to believe that a vengeful shark somehow knows that Sheriff Brody’s widow has moved to the Bahamas, and follows to terrorise her there! With Michael Caine, Mario and Melvin Van Peebles and Lynn Whitfield. The director made the classic THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE in much better days.

JAWS 5 See: CRUEL JAWS

JAWS ATTACK See: NIGHT OF THE SHARKS

THE JAWS OF DEATH (mako: the jaws of death) (1976 US) D/W/P: WILLIAM GREFE W: ROBERT MADARIS Richard Jaeckel is a Key West shark lover who feeds shark hunters to his aquatic friends. A medallion protects him from them. The owner of a bar tricks him into supplying a shark for a show for his customers, in which a woman swims with it (in a tank). Another character dupes him into supplying sharks to be dissected in medical experiments. This odd little film is likeable in a low-key way, existing in its own little offbeat world. The kind of movie you can enjoy while drifting off to sleep on late-night tv. With Harold “Oddjob” Sakata, and one of the unfunniest compères I have sever seen.

JAWS OF THE ALIEN See: THE HUMAN DUPLICATORS

JAWS RETURNS See: THE LAST SHARK

JAWS ‘96 See: CRUEL JAWS

JAWS ‘98 See: GREAT WHITE

J.D.’S REVENGE (1976 US) D/P: ARTHUR MARKS W: JAISON STARKES A black taxi driver (Glynn Turman) is possessed by the ghost of a sadistic 1940s gangster. He hallucinates about old murders and rapes his woman. The last feature directed by Marks (he ended his career directing episodes of THE DUKES OF HAZZARD for tv) is pretty disappointing. With Lou Gossett Jr. and Bob Minor (a busy stunt double for the likes of Fred Williamson and Jim Brown). Prince (accurately described as an “ugly midget” by John Waters) got an early gig providing some of the music. Starkes also wrote THE FISH THAT SAVED PITTSBURGH (1979).

JEAN D’ARC See: JOAN OF ARC

JEANS BLUES: NO FUTURE (jeans blues: asu naki furaiha) (1974 JPN) D/W: SADAO NAKAJIMA W: TAKEO KANEKO Tsunehiko Watase makes off with a pile of cash, with double-crossing hoodlums (including stuttering, rubber-faced Takuzo Kawatani) on his tail. He hooks up with the cool chainsmoking Meiko Kaji, who says “nothing is fun anymore”. They’re soon on the run from both cops’n’robbers in a BONNIE AND CLYDE variant that starts promisingly (Watase and Kaji make a good couple), but soon runs out of steam. Kaji sings the theme ballad. With Ryohei Uchida and Hideo Murota.

JEEPERS CREEPERS (2001 US GER) D/W: VICTOR SALVA P: TOM LUSE/BARRY OPPER Bickering brother and sister Gina Philips and Justin Long travel home cross-country on a university holiday. A souped-up, menacing looking van runs them off the road and later they see the driver (a dark figure played by Jonathan Breck) dumping bodies down a pipe outside an abandoned church. Philips and Long are even more stupid in their investigations than most horror movie snoops and are soon hunted by the inhuman, shape-shifting mutilator. JEEPERS CREEPERS is a one-joke movie whose script obviously stemmed from that gag, as a result it’s padded and stretched out way too much for such a high profile release. It was a hit though. With Patricia Belcher, Eileen Brennan and Brandon Smith.

JEEPERS CREEPERS 2 (2003 US) D/W: VICTOR SALVA P: TOM LUSE The flying, flesh-eating monster from the previous movie returns to pick-off football players and other teens holed-up in an immobile school bus out on a middle-of-nowhere stretch of highway. This has the exact same strengths and weaknesses as the original. Nice, ghoulish ideas and a visual style worthy of EC horror comics, but boring characters and severely padded out to feature length. With Ray Wise, Jonathan Breck, Eric Nenninger, Nicki Lynn Aycox, Marieh Delfino, Al Santos, Josh Hammond and Justin Long. Francis Ford Coppola was the executive producer.

JEET KUNE THE CLAWS AND THE SUPREME KUNG FU See: FIST OF FURY 2

JEKYLL JUNIOR See: DR, JEKYLL LIKES THEM HOT

JENGAL 2: THE BEAST RETURNS (2001 US) D/W/P: CONRAD BROOKS Curiously (and I expect, accidentally) alternatively spelt 60 mins sequel to JAN-GEL. This time the loinclothed beast is being used by gypsies to help rob stores. During a video store robbery (!), the monster is shot and operated on by an underground surgeon. It’s hit by a train in the end. If you enjoyed the friendly Brooks milling about, shaking hands, thanking bad actors and just being himself in the original, this is pretty much more of the same nonsense. HILLBILLY MONSTER: SON OF JENGAL was largely unrelated.

JENNIE: WIFE/CHILD (albert peckinpah’s revenge) (1968 US) D: JAMES LANDIS/ROBERT CARL COHEN P: JAMES ENOCHS A young blonde bored with her restrictive life on the farm with jealous, possessive and thrifty old coot Albert seduces farmhand Mario. Albert finds out, plots his revenge, but the two manage to get away with his loot. This good b/w southern melodrama à la Russ Meyer is not particularly graphic, surprising or original, but works for what it is, and features above average cinematography from Vilmos Zsigmond (he was the original cameraman, but didn’t shoot the live club footage of Davie Allen and the Arrows added later). Better than their music though, is the song How’d You Like Me In My Birthday Suit (which accompanies a nude swimming scene). It was the last feature directed by Landis (THE SADIST). Cohen also made MONDO HOLLYWOOD (1967).

JENNIFER’S BODY (2009 US) D: KARYN KUSAMA W: DIABLO CODY P: DANIEL DUBIECKI/MASON NOVICK/JASON REITMAN Indie rock band Satanists fuck-up the “virgin” sacrifice of high school hottie Megan Fox, so she becomes a blood-drinking monster possessed by demonic forces in this pretty enjoyable black comedy with good, believable teen characters and dialogue (screenwriter and executive producer Cody was a media darling after writing 2007’s JUNO, directed by producer Reitman). Amanda Seyfried stars as Fox’s best friend who relates the tale in flashback. With Johnny Simmons, Adam Brody, Juan Riedinger, Kyle Gallner, Valerie Tian, Cynthia Stevenson, J.K. Simmons as a teacher (he’s funny) and a cameo from Lance Henriksen. I did wince when Phil Collins was called “seminal” though. Shot mostly in British Columbia, from the director of the AEON FLUX (2005) movie.

JEON WOOCHI: THE TAOIST WIZARD See: WOOCHI

THE JERK (1979 US) D: CARL REINER W: STEVE MARTIN/CARL GOTTILIEB/MICHAEL ELIAS P: WILLIAM E. McEVEN/DAVID V. PICKER Steve Martin’s starring debut remains one of his funniest. He plays an ultra-dumb (white) guy raised by black folk in Mississippi who goes in search of his real identity. What follows is nothing more than a series of set pieces strung together to make a story. Some are hilarious. Parts miss but overall it’s a good time. With Rachel Ward, Pepe Serna, Jackie Mason, Carl Gottlieb, Sharon Johansen, Kimberly Carson, director Reiner, Rob Reiner, M. Emmett Walsh, Gailard Sartain and William Schallert. A tv sequel was THE JERK TOO (1984).

JERUSALEM COUNTDOWN (2011 US) D/W: HAROLD CRONK W/P: DAVID A.R. WHITE/MATTHEW TAILFORD W: DAVID HARRIS/DAVID MICHAEL PHELPS/JOHN HAGEE P: ELIZABETH TRAVIS/JAMES CHANKIN/MICHAEL SCOTT/RUSSELL WOLFE/BYRON JONES Israel is refusing to enter peace talks with an Arab coalition, because it means giving up Jerusalem. Islamic terrorists are planning to blow up select parts of the United States with seven stolen Russian nukes (in suitcases) as a political decoy. White stars as an FBI agent tracking them down. If you’re wondering why this dull (and ultimately racist and blinkered) thriller is so earnest, it’s because it’s from the Christian propaganda studio Pure Flix. God does indeed intervene Rapture-style at the end. With parts for Randy Travis, Stacy Keach and an unrecognisable Lee Majors (how much plastic surgery has he had?). Based on Hagee’s novel. Shot in Michigan.

JESUS CAMP (2006 US) D/P: HEIDI EWING/RACHEL GRADY Eye-opening documentary takes a look at an evangelical summer camp for kids in North Dakota. They learn to be anti-abortion, and that HARRY POTTER movies are no good (“warlocks are enemies of God”). When we’re not at that breeding ground for young, brainwashed preachers, we get to see the older, established sermonisers (who seem more like stand-up comedians) at a “megachurch” (like an indoor stadium) in Colorado. This doc (that’s bound to make some viewers very angry, for different reasons) also tries to contextualise things by showing a radio DJ ranting about the Bush administration and the separation of Church and State. This angle should either have been developed more, or dropped altogether. But this is still well worth seeing. “Who’s in the house?” “J.C!”

JESUS CHRIST, VAMPIRE HUNTER (2001 CAN) D: LEE GORDON DEMARBE W: IAN DRISCOLL Phil Caracas is Jesus. He hunts lesbian vampires with the help of a female sidekick, and then later someone playing the masked wrestler El Santo. This extremely low-budget comedy with post-sync dialogue has martial arts and some gore, and is sometimes almost funny. The long final credit sequence with lots of behind-the-scenes footage of the crew seems to suggest that the filmmakers think much more highly of their work than you are likely to. Admirable attempt I guess, but no cigar. There is a Johnny Vegas credited with a part but it isn’t the Brit comedian.

JET ALERT See: JET ATTACK

JET ATTACK (jet alert; through hell to glory) (1958 US) D: EDWARD L. CAHN W: ORVILLE HAMPTON/ MARK HANNA P: ALEX GORDON/ISRAEL M. BERMAN John Agar is a fighter pilot leading a team that must rescue a pilot and his top secret experimental plane shot down behind enemy lines during the Korean War. With Victor Sen Young and Audrey Totter. I’m usually jealous and highly nostalgic of people older than me who could attend explotation double bills (with people like Agar in) on a regular basis in big old theatres. But I’m pretty glad I didn’t end up having to sit through a Cahn double bill of this and his SUICIDE BATTALION.

LA JETÉE (1962 FRA) D/W: CHRIS MARKER P: ANTOLE DAUMAN Marker claimed his brilliant short (approx 30 mins) was a “ghost of a film”. Rather than using standard filming techniques, it’s told through a series of still b/w images that fade in and out. A narrator tells the circular time travel tale with a surprise ending. With William Klein. Terry Gilliam borrowed the story for his four-times-as-long mess TWELVE MONKEYS. See the original instead.

JET LI’S THE ENFORCER See: MY FATHER IS A HERO

THE JEZEBELS See: SWITCHBLADE SISTERS

JIGOKU (hell) (1960 JPN) D/W: NOBUO NAKAGAWA W: ICHIRO MIYAGAWA P: MITSUGU OKURA Here’s a memorable and fascinating horror film. Two students (one good, one evil) run over a drunk yakuza with their car. He dies and his mother and lover vow revenge. The plot gets a little confusing after this, with many characters connected to the good student ending up dead with no help from him. Regardless of his seeming innocence he ends up in Buddhist Hell (with its eight levels) looking for the unborn baby of his dead, pregnant fiancèe (I think). Most of the other characters are there too and are subjected to fairly graphic (for the time) tortures (predating H.G. Lewis’ BLOOD FEAST by three years). A man is sawn in half, hands are cut off, people bathe in a river of blood etc. But the best and most shocking effect is a guy who’s skinned alive. We see his screaming face and beating heart pumping in the middle of an uncovered skeletal torso. Despite its occasionally laughable, hysterically overserious atmosphere, JIGOKU succeeds as an almost dreamlike adult fairy tale, both creepy and beautiful, while remaining pure exploitation. Shigeru Amachi (also in the director’s more famous GHOST STORY OF YOTSUYA from the previous year) stars, and it features bongo jazz and spooky theremin on the soundtrack. With Yoichi Nemata, Hiroshi Hayashi and Kanjyuro Arashi. It was remade in 1979, and again in 1999 by Teruo Ishii.

JIGOKU SENSEI NUVE (1997 JPN ANIMATED) D: JUNJI SHIMIZU This 45 mins anime is based on a manga by Sho Makura. It’s about an elementary school teacher who fights evil. He’s a pretty likeable character who flips between heroic and idiotic quite amusingly (not unlike the manga character Lupin III). A pupil called Kumiko informs the police when she spots a wanted murderer. During a car chase, the criminal crashes and falls into a coma. His evil soul invokes a demon who tries to get Kumiko to join him in Hell. The Snow Queen also appears briefly in a silly comic interlude. All in all it’s pretty entertaining, and good for kids.

JIGOKU SENSEI NUVE: GOZEN REIJI NUVE SHISU (1998 JPN ANIMATED) D: YUKIO KAIZAWA This creepier sequel has a new introverted student (who’s obsessed with clowns) at school. After putting on a clown’s mask, he has psychic abilities that make him popular, but his evil clown reflection makes trouble. At one point teacher Nuve is attacked by many clown-faced kids with golden throwing stars.

JIGSAW (gun moll) (1949 US) D/W: FLETCHER MARKLE W: VINCENT McCONNOR/JOHN ROEBURT P: EDWARD J. and HARRY LEE DANZIGER Franchot Tone is out to uncover Marc Lawrence’s racial hate group racket in this ok but forgettable b/w thriller. It’s interesting to note that Lawrence’s motives are purely financial (like in NATION AFLAME, a much more interesting take on the subject). With Jean Wallace and Marsha Hunt, and some surprising cameos from Henry Fonda, Burgess Meredith, Marlene Dietrich and John Garfield, and Markle also has a part.

JILL RIPS (the bone ripper; the leatherwoman; tied up) (1999 US) D: ANTHONY HICKOX W: GARETH WARDELL/KEVIN BERNHARDT P: TRACEE STANLEY/“NOBLE HENRY” (JIM WYNORSKI) Dolph Lundgren is an ex-cop investigating his brother’s murder in this sleep-inducing SM-world thriller with occasional gore scenes (not enough to make it worth the watch). Based on Frederick Lindsay’s novel. With Richard Fitzpatrick, Sandi Ross, Bruce McFee and Dave Nichols.

JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER (1966 US) D: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS W/P: HAL BERG Lewis’ first attempt at a kids’ movie. Little Jimmy wishes time would stop when his mother pesters him to go to school one morning, and that’s exactly what happens. A wizard’s daughter called Aurora appears to help lead Jimmy to “the world’s end” to restart the great clock. However the evil Mr. Figg (with big stickon black eyebrows) tries to stop them. Figg lives in slow motion land and says things like “never do today what you can put off until tomorrow”. He tries to trick Jimmy by doing things like putting laughing syrup in water, and turning the surroundings blue so that Jimmy falls asleep (Aurora turns everything red so that no one can fall asleep). A badly dubbed 20 mins Italian cartoon (the original source material the movie was constructed around) helps stretch things out just over an hour. With some green Indians and Louise Down (aka Vicki Miles, who wrote BLOOD FEAST and others for Lewis) provided makeup. Very bad, and I thoroughly enjoyed watching it. You might recognise the Florida Coral Castle locations from NUDE ON THE MOON and WILD WOMEN OF WONGO. Lewis’ next (and last) kiddie movie was the much less enjoyable THE MAGIC LAND OF MOTHER GOOSE. By the way the Something Weird video version of JIMMY I saw featured choice trailers for cheap looking kids’ movies, including THE SECRET LIFE OF MAGIC ISLAND with its “villainous space age monkey”(and some cartoons).

JIMMY THE KID (1983 US) D: GARY NELSON W: SAM BOBRICK P: RONALD JACOBS After the much better THE HOT ROCK and THE BANK SHOT, here’s another merely ok Donald E. Westlake adaptation, much more feelgood and family orientated. Paul Le Mat, Walter Olkewicz, Dee Wallace Stone and Ruth Gordon are a bickering crew of small time crooks who kidnap Gary Coleman, the lonely kid of wealthy country and western singing duo Cleavon Little and Fay Hauser. The kid ends up having a really good time with his captors. With Don Adams (GET SMART!) as a detective, Pat Morita as a shortsighted comic relief chauffeur and Avery Schreiber as a psychiatrist. It was remade in Germany in 1999, but next in the (loose) series was WHY ME? (1990) and WHAT’S THE WORSE THAT COULD HAPPEN? (2001).

JIVE TURKEY (baby needs a new pair of shoes) (1974 US) D: BILL BRAME W: FREDRICKA DE COSTA W/P: HOWARD and ELIZABETH RANSOM In this ok but forgettable black cast movie (with white guest star Frank De Kova) the police crackdown on a ghetto numbers racket in an election year (1956). “This is a true story”. With Serena. It was Brane’s final film after THE CYCLE SAVAGES, (co-directing) FREE GRASS (both 1969) and something called MISS MELODY JONES (1972).

JOAN OF ARC (jean d’arc; the messenger) (1999 FRA) D/W: LUC BESSON W: ANDREW BIRKIN P: PATRICE LEDOUX After THE FIFTH ELEMENT Besson made this sometimes ridiculous (unfitting humour that works despite itself) big-budget version of the tale of a French peasant virgin who claimed to hear the voice of God and led the French in a battle against English invaders. Characters say things like “She’s nuts!”. Milla Jovovich is enjoyably over-the-top as Joan. She does that wide-eyed worried look she got pinned in FIFTH and pushes it into overdrive. Nothing brilliant, but a pretty entertaining epic (150+ mins) that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Some of the battle scenes are excellent (and gory). With John Malkovich, Dustin Hoffman, Faye Dunaway, Tcheky Karyo, Vincent Cassell, Pascal Greggory, Desmond Harrington, Timothy West, Timothy Bateson, Paul Brooke, Philippe Du Janerand, Jean-Pierre Gros, Jacques Herlin, Dominique Marcas and Gina McKee.

JOE (1970 US) D: JOHN G. AVILDSEN W: NORMAN WEXLER P: DAVID GIL After his runaway daughter (Susan Sarandon) ODs on amphetamines, her wealthy father (Dennis Patrick) kills her drugdealing boyfriend in a rage (this scene uses impressive time-lapse techniques). A bigoted bluecollar barfly (Peter Boyle) links him to the crime, and is filled with admiration for the guy who actually killed a hippy. The two of them (WWII veterans) become awkward friends, and search for the daughter (on the run again) together. The unforgettable final third of the film has the duo exploring the East Village scene, looking like aliens from another planet, and even getting stoned at an orgy. This classic movie that approaches then topical counterculture issues from a unique angle (and as such, has dated extremely well) is thoughtprovoking yet extremely funny throughout, and the ending is unexpected. Both leads are excellent. Lloyd Kaufman was production manager. From Cannon.

JOE BATTLE See: BRANNIGAN

JOE D’AMATO: TOTALY UNCUT (1999 ITL) D: ROGER A. FRATTER W: MANLIO GOMARASCA/DAVIDE PULICI Joe D’Amato (Aristide Massaccesi) is interviewed about his directing career from his first cut’n’paste westerns, through the historical “Decamerotic” sexploitation comedies to his gory horror and hardcore porno. He’s very honest about stealing ideas from other films, calls Harry Alan Towers a “genius” and doesn’t seem to care much for the explicit porn he makes. But the best thing about this tape is the many clips from (some) pretty rare items, especially the westerns. The English subtitles have a lot of typos.

JOE KIDD (1972 US) D: JOHN STURGES W: ELMORE LEONARD P: SIDNEY BECKERMAN Clint Eastwood is an ex-bounty hunter/town drunk who’s hired by villain Robert Duvall to track Mexican revolutionary John Saxon (!) involved in a land war. Don Stroud is one of Duvall’s right-hand men. With Dick Van Patten and Paul Koslo. No classic (as you might expect from a Leonard/Sturges collaboration), it’s nonetheless a good enough western. Buddy Van Horn was stunt co-ordinator.

JOE’S APARTMENT (1996 US) D/W: JOHN PAYSON P: DIANA PHILLIPS/BONNI LEE Jerry O’Connell (Joe) moves to New York City’s East Village (which is depicted as a living Hell) and gets a roach infested apartment. The wisecracking roaches do song and dance numbers and help Joe get the girl (Megan Ward). This annoying computer FX comedy backed by MTV (and expanded from a short of theirs) is full of shit and toilet jokes. Robert Vaughn is the mayor. With David Huddleston, Vincent Pastore, Scott “Bam Bam” Bigelow, Boss Hog, Nick Zedd, Paul Bartel, Moby and the voice of Tim Blake Nelson. If you are looking for more non-horror cockroach infestation movies, there’s also the Japanese TWILIGHT OF THE COCKROACHES (1989).

JOHN CARPENTER’S… (note: films with this prefix are listed under their individual titles, i.e JOHN CARPENTER’S GHOSTS OF MARS See: GHOSTS OF MARS)

JOHNNY DESTINY See: DESTINY TURNS ON THE RADIO

JOHNNY FIRECLOUD (revenge of johnny firecloud) (1975 US) D/P: WILLIAM ALLEN CASTLEMAN W: WILTON DENMARK P: DAVID F. FRIEDMAN/PETER B. GOOD/ANTON WICKREMASINGHE Victor Mohica is Johnny Firecloud, a Native Indian who’s abused in a small redneck desert town run by Ralph Meeker. After his alcoholic chief grandpa (Frank DeCova) is killed and a sexy, large-breasted Indian girl (Marlon Brando’s friend Sacheen Littlefeather) is raped and killed, it’s time to finally fight back. The vengeful killings include a bloody scalping and a sack with a snake in it being put over a guy’s head. This is a solid, exciting revenge flick that more people should see. With David Canary as the saheriff and George “Buck” Flower. Joe Blasco (ILSA, SHE WOLF) did the FX. Castleman and Friedman had previously made THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF ZORRO (1972) and BUMMER!

JOHNNY GOT HIS GUN (1971 US) D/W: DALTON TRUMBO P: BRUCE CAMPBELL Timothy Bottoms is a WWI casualty without arms, legs, speech or hearing. The living corpse remembers his life, dreams and tries to communicate with nurse Diane Varsi. What could have been pretentious and dreary is in fact a superior black comedy with an effective anti-war message. Jason Robards is Bottoms’ father and Donald Sutherland is Christ! With Don “Red” Barry, Peter Brocero, Anthony Geary, Charles McGraw, David Soul (Starsky and Hutch) and Trumbo (who also wrote the novel on which this is based). The following year Sutherland appeared in the filmed F.T.A. (1972) benefit that was inspired by the novel. Trumbo’s next screenplay was for the interesting and underappreciated EXECUTIVE ACTION.

JOHNNY GUITAR (1954 US) D: NICHOLAS RAY W: PHILLIP YORDAN Joan Crawford is Vienna, a tough woman who runs a wild west saloon and gambling hall on the edge of town (where a railroad is about to be built). Scott Brady is her partner The Dancing Kid. Mercedes McCambridge (the voice of Pazuzu in THE EXORCIST years later) hates them both and tries to rally a lynch mob. Enter Sterling Hayden as the musician Johnny Guitar. This western based on Roy Chanslor’s novel has been described as “Freudian” and serious film types seem to read a lot into it. Well I don’t know about that, but I do know that it’s an unusual, superior soap opera outwest that comes highly recommended. The interesting cast includes Ernest Borgnine, John Carradine, Royal Dano and Dennis Hopper, with Ward Bond, Frank Ferguson, Paul Fix, Rhys Williams, Will Wright, Trevor Bardette, Frank Marlowe, John Maxwell and Denver Pyle. Ray made REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE the following year.

JOHNNY HANDSOME (1989 US) D: WALTER HILL W: KEN FRIEDMAN P: CHARLES ROVEN Mickey Rourke stars as a thief in New Orleans with a seriously disfigured face. After he’s double-crossed by Lance Henriksen and Ellen Barkin he ends up in prison where has has extensive reconstructive surgery (by Forest Whitaker) to make him look normal. He returns for revenge in this ok but uninspired thriller, not one of Hill’s best. With Morgan Freeman as a cop, Elizabth McGovern, Scott Wilson, Pater Jason and Reiner Schone. It’s based on John Godey’s novel The Three Worlds Of Johnny Handsome. Rourke’s real-life adventures in plastic surgery have been less kind.

JOHNNY LEARNS HIS MANNERS (1968 US ANIMATED) This narrated 18 mins b/w educational cartoon (with cheap animation that barely moves) has little Johnny listening to his bad self and being messy and rude. He turns into a pig. His mom shows him footage of smart and tidy West Point Cadets to prove that being neat is not “sissy”. Johnny cleans up his act and transforms back into a human.

JOHNNY MNEMONIC (1995 CAN US) D: ROBERT LONGO W: WILLIAM GIBSON P: DON CARMODY In 2021, the yakuza run huge corporations all over the world and their enemies are computer hackers and “media rebels”. Information is transferred by Mnemonic Couriers who can store data in special brain spaces where long term memory used to be. Keanu Reeves is one such courier doing one last run for the money to buy back his memory. He transfers too much data (the cure for a digital disease) and it starts to leak. He has to get it out of his head before it kills him. Other factions want to steal it (by cutting off his head). It’s a shame that Gibson’s adaptation of his own short story is more silly than interesting, with a ridiculous semi-mechanical VR dolphin. Takeshi Kitano is a villain and steals the movie despite his struggle with English. Dolph Lundgren is a sadistic, mechanical killer priest, Ice T leads the underground Lo-Tech gang, Henry Rollins is a “flesh mechanic” and Udo Kier doesn’t last long before he’s sliced up by a laser whip. With Dina Meyer, Don Francks, Tracy Tweed (Shannon’s younger sister), Gene Mack and Douglas O’Keeffe. Abel Ferrara’s NEW ROSE HOTEL is also based on Gibson’s writing.

JOHN WOO’S VIOLENT TRADITION See: ONCE A THIEF (1996)

JOINT SECURITY AREA (jsa; gongdong gyeongbi guyeok jsa) (2000 S.KOR) D/W: CHAN WOOK PARK W: SEONG-SAN JEONG/HYEON-SEOK KIM/MU-YEONG LEE P: EUN SOO LEE This hit military mystery concerns murder at the DMZ outpost between North and South Korea (sets built to look like it, because you can’t film there) and the political implications of the sensitive investigation. What actually happened is seen in flashback. Based on Sang-yoen Park’s novel DMZ, it’s a very good, engrossing thriller with somewhat naïve seeming sentimentality, but you try living in a split country sometime and not fall victim to maybe sappy but hopeful and life-affirming thoughts for the future. With Yeong-ae Lee, Byunghun Lee, Kang-ho Song, Tae-woo Kim and Ha-kyun Shin. I don’t think the cynical Park was the right choice to direct, but it did kick-start his career and allowed him to make the more personal revenge-fests SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE and OLDBOY.

JOJI NO RIREKISHO (career of lust) (1964 JPN) D/W: KOJI WAKAMATSU This flawed but sometimes interesting and provocative b/w proto-pink quickie from the groundbreaking Wakamatsu opens with flashbulb close-ups of a dead man’s face, the apparent victim of a violent crime of passion. The police interrogate the main suspect, the dead man’s lover (Midori Chigusa), whose flashbacks reveal her sordid, miserable life. Beginning with a gang-rape in the snowy wastes of her home town, through a yakuza strong-armed life of prostitution and onto a supposedly peaceful life and marriage that’s also turned sour by lecherous men’s lust. It features use of experimental camera techniques and various lens distortion tricks, incorporates real student riot footage and (my favourite) several scenes of semi-nude twisting to twangy guitar instrumentals. The best of such scenes has a young student radical burst into a woman’s bedroom to direct a long, impassioned spiel about her apathy during turbulent political times, only to have her cooly tease him into ravaging her by simply gyrating her beautiful, ripe posterior to said instrumentals on the record player, utterly disarming him with no effort. It’s a great scene, simple yet profound. It’s a shame such moments are few and far between. I think this cheap (note the bad post-dubbed dialogue) independent production must have been some kind of hit, as both SHIN JOJI NO RIREKISHO and ZOKU JOJI NO RIREKISHIO (nothing to do with Wakamatsu) appeared in 1967.

JONAH HEX (2010 US) D: JIMMY HAYWARD W: MARK NEVELDINE/BRIAN TAYLOR/WILLIAM FARMER P: AKIVA GOLDSMAN/ANDREW LAZAR Josh Brolin stars as the titular bounty hunter, a badly scarred former Confederate soldier who was betrayed and left for dead, only to be saved by Crow Indians in a ritual that means he can now temporarily reanimate and talk to the dead (an interesting idea that isn’t really expanded upon enough). John Malkovich is his nemesis and bad guy, a former Confederate General and war criminal thought to be dead. He plots to decimate Washington during the Centennial with a fantastical pre-atomic superweapon, designed by Eli Whitney (a real historical inventor and arms manufacturer). Based on a DC comic by John Albano and Tony de Zuniga (there are animated sequences), it’s difficult to pinpoint what exactly is wrong with this box office flop. It’s fastpaced, action-packed, can be quite funny and has intriguing, unusual elements and characters. Maybe it’s the overload of references to earlier movies and comics etc? But that said, it’s more fun than many other more financially successful but dull fanboy fantasies. I’m not really sure, but something is up, and the nearest analogy I can reach is this: if FINAL DESTINATION, or the Neveldine/Taylor-made CRANK or such-like is satisfying cinematic junk food like Burger King, this is disappointingly McDonald’s. You dig? With Megan Fox as a brothel hooker who can kick-ass, Michael Fassbender, Aidan Quinn, Lance Reddick, Julia Jones, Will Arnett, Rance Howard, Michael Shannon and Wes Bentley.

JOSHUA TREE (army of one) (1993 US) D/P: VIC ARMSTRONG W: STEVEN PRESSFIELD P: ILLANA DIAMOND/ANDY ARMSTRONG Dolph Lundgren is an escaped convict who takes a female cop (Kristian Alfonso) hostage in the desert and brings the corrupt detective who framed him (George Segal) to justice. With Geoffrey Lewis, Bert Remsen, Ken Foree, Beau Starr, Michael Paul Chan, Peter Spellos, Tim De Zarn and George Cheung. Fairly standard actioner that copies some ideas from Hong Kong heroic bloodshed movies.

JOURNEY INTO THE UNKNOWN See: THE WIZARD OF MARS

JOURNEY TO THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH (1959 US) D: HENRY LEVIN W/P: CHARLES BRACKETT W: WALTER REISCH It’s almost two-and-a-half hours long, but this very good colour fantasy is one of the best adaptations of Jules Verne’s imaginative story. James Mason is perfectly cast as the leader of the expedition that encounter giant lizards among other wonders. With Pat Boone, Diane Baker, Alan Napier, Thayer David, Ivan Triesault and Edith Evanson. More than matinee time-filler. THE FABULOUS JOURNEY TO THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH was another adaptation.

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (1999 US) D/P: GEORGE MILLER W: THOMAS BAUM P: CONNIE COLLINS Scientist, lecturer and bareknuckle boxer Treat Williams and his young protégé Jeremy London head the title expedition in yet another adaption of the Jules Verne story. You can take this three-hour tv miniseries (originally in two parts) at face value. With Hugh Keays-Byrne, Bryan Brown, Joe Bugner and John Forsythe. The director is not the same Miller who made MAD MAX. An earlier tv movie was aired in 1993. A major (but quite cheap-looking) Hollywood production appeared in 2008, and a direct-to-tv release that at least had an excuse for looking bad. There have also been several animated versions over the years.

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF TIME (time warp) (1967 US) D/W/P: “DAVID PRENTISS” (DAVID L. HEWITT) P: RAY DORN Scientists Abraham Sofaer, Anthony Eisley (the hero) and Gigi Perreau demonstrate their “time vault” for cynical, reluctant fundraiser Scott Brady (the bad guy). They accidentally shoot themselves into the future (6968 AD) where Earth is under attack from aliens, and then they overshoot on the way back and end up in prehistoric times. Time travel is represented by the camera spinning ‘round while the performers lay flat against the wall. The rest is cheap FX, minimal sets and stock footage. It gets pretty nonsensical but never too boring. Hewitt had co-written the 1964 TIME TRAVELERS of which this is more-or-less a remake. With Lyle Waggoner and photography by Robert Caramico.

JOURNEY TO THE FAR SIDE OF THE SUN (doppelgänger) (1969 UK) D: ROBERT PARRISH W/P: GERRY and SYLVIA ANDERSON W: DONALD JAMES Opening with some great, colourful pulp espionage sci-fi scenes featuring a one-eyed Herbert Lom, this underrated, forgotten gem grabs your attention immediately. Patrick Wymark (who played Oliver Cromwell in MATTHEW HOPKINS: WITCHFINDER GENERAL the previous year) is great as the determined tycoon who sends astronaut Roy Thinnes (of THE INVADERS tv show) and astrophysicist Ian Hendry on a mission to a newly discovered planet previously obscured by the Sun. If you don’t know what happens next, I’m not going to spoil it for you. Some nice miniature work straight out of Anderson-created shows like THUNDERBIRDS reinforce the “near future” atmosphere (never mentioned), and this is very much more serious and adult in tone than you may expect. Shot in Portugal, it has bits from Philip Madoc and Vladek Sheybal. This highly recommended movie was remade for tv as THE STRANGER in 1973.

JOURNEY TO THE SEVENTH PLANET (1961 DEN US) D/WP: SIDNEY PINK W: IB MELCHIOR A crew of space explorers (including horny, womanising John Agar) land on Uranus and discover an alien intelligence that can visualise and make real their greatest fears or desires. The former includes a pretty cool stop-motion cyclops rat monster and b/w footage of the great tarantula from EARTH VS. THE SPIDER. The latter consists of a bunch of beautiful, willing women. The “Cinemagic” process (that turns the screen pink) used in THE ANGRY RED PLANET is briefly glimpsed and Carl Ottosen (also in Pink’s REPTILICUS) is the German crew member. It’s much more entertaining than both of those though, but the astronauts do seem awfully dumb and slow to pick up on things. Regardless, any film that features a giant one-eyed brain should be seen. With Ove Sprogøe and Louis Miehe-Renard.

THE JOY OF TORTURE See: TOKUGAWA: THE JOY OF TORTURE

JOY RIDE (road killer) (2001 US) D: JOHN DAHL W: CLAY TARVER W/P: JEFFREY ABRAMS P: CHRIS MOORE Paul Walker wants to impress college student Leelee Sobienski so buys a beat up 71 Chrysler in order to drive her home during break. Steve Zahn is his recently paroled, irresponsible brother along for the ride. They buy a CB radio and proceed to trick a horny truck driver (with the voice of Ted Levine) to meet a nonexistent woman called Candy Cane (Lewis doing an unconvincing female voice) at a motel room. The gag turns sour when someone ends up dead and the mysterious trucker stalks them on the highway. It amounts to nothing more than an inferior DUEL rip-off, but is a fairly entertaining thriller. With Jessica Bowmen, Basil Wallace, Jim Beaver, Jay Hernandez, Walt Goggins (in additional dvd-only scenes) and porno star Anna Malle on a tv screen. There was a direct-to-tv sequel in 2008.

THE JOYS OF TORTURE 2: OXEN SPLIT TORTURING (shogun’s sadism; tokugawa onna keibatsu-emaki: ushi-zaki no kei) (1976 JPN) D: YUJI MAKIGUCHI W: ICHIRO OTSU/SEIKO SHIMURA This excellent historical gore movie (an anthology in two parts) was inspired by the success of Teruo Ishii’s series of torture movies (beginning with TOKUGAWA: WOMEN GENEALOGY). The same studio (Toei) concentrated more on the violence than sex this time. The two sadistic stories are little more than an excuse for a parade of atrocities (the FX are very convincing). Women are boiled alive, raped, crucified, ripped apart by wild oxen running in opposite directions and more. One guy has his foot mashed with a big mallet and another gets his head sawn off by a retard. And let’s not forget the pre-CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST fetus ripping and the couple covered in shit. Both parts are separated by a brief romantic interlude (!?!) in silhouette, and all the crimes go unpunished. With Akira Shioji, Masataka Iwao, Takuzo Kawatani and Izumi (aka Takashi) Noguchi.

JSA See: JOINT SECURITY AREA

J-SPIDEY See: SPIDERMAN (1978)

JUDAS CITY See: SATAN’S BED

JUDAS KISS (1999 US) D/W: SEBASTIAN GUTIERREZ W: DEANA FULLER P: BEAU FLYNN/STEFAN SIMCHOWITZ/JONATHAN KING Minor league criminals decide to hit the jackpot by kidnapping a renowned computer company official and holding him for ransom. Of course this New Orleans set crime tale is just another variation on the robbery/ heist/kidnapping gone wrong story that’s been told a hundred timed before, but it’s a good one with interesting characters, style and a few surprises. Carla Gugino stars (and co-produced) as the sexy woman who comes up with the idea, and Alan Rickman (cop) and Emma Thompson (Fed) have a bad southern drawl competition. Also check out Philip Baker Hall’s brief but memorable turn as a priest turned gangster. With Hal Holbrook, Roscoe Lee Brown, Lisa Eichorn, Gil Bellows, Til Schweiger, Joey Slotnick, Richard Riehle, Greg Wise, Beverly Hotsprings, Jack Conley and William Lucking.

JUDGE AND JURY (death row) (1996 US) D/W/P: JOHN EYRES W: JOHN CIANETTI/AMANDA I. KURPAUL P: GREGORY VANGER Motorcycle-riding serial killer David Keith is killed in the electric chair but somehow manages to return from the dead as a wisecracking killer on the trail of the ex-pro ball player vigilante who shot him and his wife dead during a convenience store robbery (Martin Kove). The irritating Keith appears as a French chef, a clown, Elvis and others while kidnapping Kove’s teen son (Thomas Ian Nicholas) and wife. At one point he shoves a pool cue through someone’s stomach and still hits the ball on the table on the other side. Paul Koslo is an ex-cop who helps Kove, and there’s a comic relief black cab driver also. Moronic action from the director of PROJECT: SHADOWCHASER (also with Kove). With Kelly Perrie and Bob Minor.

JUDGE DREDD (1995 US) D: DANNY CANNON W: WILLIAM WISHER/STEVEN E. DE SOUZA/ MICHAEL DE LUCA/JOHN FASANO (uncredited) P: CHARLES M. LIPPINCOTT/BEAU L. MARKS After THE YOUNG AMERICANS (1993), Cannon went Hollywood to helm this big-budget adaption of the cult UK character found in the comic, 2000 AD. It’s set in the futuristic Mega-City and the disgraced Dredd must walk through “The Cursed Earth” (a desert). There’s lots of generic action and explosions. Stallone is a bad Dredd and says “I am the law” all wrong. Rob Schneider adds painful comic relief and Diane Lane is a psychic judge. Fans of the comic book were outraged that their hero was unmasked, but there’s more serious things to worry about. Like if evil Armand Assante is cloned from the exact DNA as Dredd, why don’t they look anything alike? I thought that the nasty, violent edge of the comics was needed to do this properly, but they toned it down way too much. With Jürgen Prochnow, Max von Sydow, Joanna Miles, Joan Chen, Balthazar Getty, Ian Dury, the uncredited James Remar and Scott Wilson, and the voice of James Earl Jones. An A.B.C. Warrior is an in-joke for comic fans. DREDD (2012) was a major improvement.

JUDGEMENT (hitz) (1988 US) D/W: WILLIAM SACHS P: OSCAR L. COSTO Watchable but uneasy mix of violence and comedy, with an attempt at insightful political and social satire, from the director of THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN. It centres on a weary female juvenile court judge who doesn’t see things getting any better on the streets of LA. Sometimes surprisingly good, but mostly too unsure of which direction to take. With Elliott Gould, Thalmus Rasulala, Ed Lauter, Francesco Quinn, Sidney Lassick, Cuba Gooding Jr., Jacob Vargas, Raymond Cruz and Andre Rosey Brown.

JUDGEMENT (simpan) (1999 S.KOR) D/W/P: CHANWOOK PARK TV reports show that a record number of natural disasters have struck around the world. Meanwhile a coroner (Ju-bong Gi) argues with a couple of bereaved parents (and a tv news duo filming there) that the decomposing body of a young girl on a slab is not their daughter, but in fact his. The last few mins of this odd 26 mins short are in colour. What it all means I don’t have a clue, but it’s quite good. Park made it before his 2000 breakthrough feature JOINT SECURITY AREA.

JUDGEMENT DAY (1996) See: WARHEAD

JUDGEMENT DAY (asteroid 2) (1999 US) D: JOHN TERLESKY W: WILLIAM CARSON P: LISA HANSEN/ PAUL HERTZBERG A large asteroid is on a collision course with Earth (again) and scientist Linden Ashby has the means to stop it. But he’s been kidnapped by a group of religious fanatics (led by Mario Van Peebles) who believe that Armageddon is God’s will. It’s down to federal agent Suzy Amis and pardoned con Ice T to find him. Not up too much, but easily as watchable as something like DEEP IMPACT. With Tiny Lister (he, Peebles and Ice were executive producers), Coolio, David Wells, Cole S. McKay and Thomas Rosales Jr.

JUDGEMENT NIGHT (1993 US JPN) D: STEPHEN HOPKINS W: LEWIS COLICK/JERE CUNNINGHAM P: GENE LEVY Emilio Estevez stars as one of a group of suburban boxing fans who drive their RV to the city to watch the fight. But they take a detour, witness a killing and have to go on the run from Denis Leary’s gang. Peter Greene is his main henchman. With Cuba Gooding Jr., Stephen Dorff and Jeremy Piven. Pretty dull DELIVERANCE/ TRESPASS copy, with a horrible nu-metal OST.

JUDO SAGA See: SUGATA SANSHIRO

JUDUS See: MIMIC

JUGGERNAUT (terror on the britannic) (1974 UK) D: RICHARD LESTER W/P: RICHARD DE KOKER This above average disaster movie has a terrorist called Juggernaut who puts dangerous explosives on-board an ocean liner bound across the Atlantic. Richard Harris stars as the explosives expert called in to diffuse it and Omar Sharif is the captain of the ship. It has a documentary feel and is depressing looking like only the British can do. Roy Kinnear is good as a ship steward desperately trying to keep morale high and a smile on his face. With Ian Holm, David Hemmings, Anthony Hopkins, Roshan Seth, Simon MacCorkindale, Shirley Knight, Clifton James, Gareth Thomas, Freddie Jones, Julian Glover, Jack Watson, Kenneth Colley, Gareth Thomas, Cyril Cusack and Michael Horden.

JUKE JOINT (1947 US) D: SPENCER WILLIAMS W: TRUE T. THOMPSON P: BERT GOLDBERG A couple of drifters from back east arrive in Texas with no money. One is a smooth-talking large man with all the ideas (director Williams) and his sidekick is a hungry, grumbling skinny guy. In this all-black cast comedy, they get themselves free bed and board with a family by pretending to be actors (“we are thespians”) who will train the teen daughter so she can win some talent show. Less than an hour long, this vintage b/w item from Sack Amusements is fun (and funny) and a major find for followers of Afro-American cinema. Thompson also wrote DIRTY GERTIE FROM HARLEM USA (1946) for the (sadly) mostly forgotten Williams (who was later in AMOS’N’ANDY on tv!).

JULIEN DONKEY-BOY (dogme #6) (1999 US) D/W: HARMONY KORINE P: CARY WOODS/SCOTT MACAULAY/ROBIN O’HARA Ewen Bremner is excellent as Julien, a young man with schizophrenia living with his family in Yonkers, NY. Don’t expect a narrative-driven story, it’s more a collection of slices of life revolving around the somewhat dysfunctional family, the religious community and Julien’s group of disabled friends. Werner Herzog is brilliant (and very funny) as the father. I imagine many will hate this, especially considering the hand-held shot-on-DV look and experimental, self-indulgent editing techniques. I thought it was just as great as Korine’s GUMMO and is filled with memorable moments and images. With Chloe Sevigny, Vic Varnado, Will Oldham, Donna Smith and Korine’s grandmother (it was shot mostly at her home).

JUMBORG ACE & GIANT (yuk wud jaeng pop jambo a) (1974 THAI JPN) Producer Sompote Sands once went to Japan as a student and apparently made some kind of contact with legendary FX giant Eiji Tsubaraya. He established his own Chaiyo production company back at home in Thailand and churned out a few monster flicks, like a local Roger Corman/Ishiro Honda hybrid. In 73 he made a deal with Tsubaraya Productions, and they co-produced two films (the other was HANUMAN AND THE 7 ULTRAMEN). JUMBORG ACE was a hit ULTRAMAN-like tv series. Jumborg teams-up with a Chaiyo creation (a green flying stone idol) that had been the focus of the earlier feature TA TIEN. That’s about as much sense as I could gather. I have no idea what the bad guys (including a big Jumborg-like female robot with a curly wig!) are, or what they want. Bare in mind I was watching a Thai version without subtitles, but I sincerely doubt they would have helped anyway. Tsubaraya lent Chaiyo monster costumes for the production, but they still insisted on using endless stock-footage from the Japanese tv series. The local miniature work of giants bullying Bangkok is noticeably worse. They even all go to space (and the Moon I’m guessing), but by that point my brain had melted. Non-stop rock ’em sock ’em fights between surreal creatures (dubbed so that they never shut up their chattering… what could they possibly be saying?!), random, jarring stock-footage and locally-made scenes starring a family (mom, dad, little boy) of astronauts and their retarded-seeming, ugly, shaggyhaired comic relief sidekick summoning a (pretty cool) floating stone statue monster, while the whole time an endless loop of the Jumbrog theme tune blares away….truly hypnotic, psychedelic cinema! That’s the Thai version under review here (a 2001 reissue vcd which is apparently different from the original “lost” version). However, a Taiwanese distributor got a hold of it, cut out the Thai stuff, added scenes with Taiwanese actors and EVEN MORE (!) stock-footage from the tv series. This version made its way to France, where the distributors added their own original French dub (LES HOMMES D’UNE AUTRE PLANETE), making a new story up from scratch! This version was dubbed into different languages across Europe (the English one was called MARS MEN). If anyone could share d/w/p credits, that would be grand.

JUNGLE GODDESS (1948 US) D: LEWIS D. COLLINS W: JOSEPH PAGANO P: WILLIAM STEPHENS Pilot George Reeves and his untrustworthy business partner Ralph Byrd crash-land in the jungles of Africa while searching for the wreckage of a plane that was transporting an important young heiress. They find her (Wanda McKay) as a “white jungle goddess” who rules over a black native tribe (including Smoki Whitfield). Armida is her female companion learning English. This b/w Lippert programmer is an hour of forgettable jungle nonsense.

JUNGLE HEAT See: DANCE OF THE DWARFS

JUNGLE HOLOCAUST See: CANNIBAL

JUNGLE HUNT See: THE HUNTERS OF THE GOLDEN COBRA

JUNGLE JUICE (2002 S.KOR) D/W: CHO MIN HO P: KIM JAE WON Hyuk Jang and Beom Sulee are both very convincing as a pair of idiotic city kid delinquents whose attempts at becoming gangsters go disastrously wrong and results in them owing the mob money, becoming prime suspects in a murder case and in possession of a shitload of stolen coke. At times reminiscent of other movies, this fun, stylish and very funny black comedy crime drama can stand up on its own. With Chang Min Son, Man Kim and Tae Gyu Bong.

JUNGLE 2000 See: KING OF KONG ISLAND

JUNGLE VIRGIN FORCE (perawan rimba) (1983 INDO) D: DANA UMBURA W: ARIFIN C. NOER/RAAM PUNJABI P: DHAMOO PUNJABI This starts with some young women in the jungle skinny-dipping. The narrator informs us that they are primitive savages. When stock-footage of an alligator threatens, the heroic jungle woman Jelita wrestles with an obviously plastic alligator underwater. The grateful girls want to make Jelita the queen of their tribe, but the high priest (who practises black magic and can fire lightning bolts from his staff) and all the men disagree. A war of the sexes (involving bow and arrow, spears and stone axes) erupts and the tribe is split into rival groups. Meanwhile back in civilisation, a group of anthropology students prepare to take an expedition to the jungle island, located in the “triangle of death” (between New Guinea and Australia). There’s a myth about treasure being hidden somewhere on the island, so a rival expedition tries to get to the island and steal the map. The (male) cannibal tribe hang one invading woman upside down and hack off her head. Another is melted into a pile of bloody goo. There’s also lots of animal stock footage, snake attacks, a catfight, fist-fights, magic duels, blood and a laughable bit of failed celluloid trickery when footage of a blue sea is superimposed over the picture of an obviously land-locked mountain to give the impression that it’s an island! I also liked the part where horns grow out of the side of a man’s head (“the sign of heroism”) director Umbura also made FIVE DEADLY ANGELS, and producer Pujabi also backed another movie that ended up as FEROCIOUS FEMALE FREEDOM FIGHTERS over at Troma.

JUNGLE WARRIORS (euerweg fuhrt durch die holle) (1983 US W.GER MEX) D/W/P: ERNST R. VON THEUMER W: ROBERT COLLECTOR Marjoe Gortner (“I deal in bullshit”) and his female assistant take six fashion models into the remote jungles of South America (it was filmed in Mexico) for a shoot. He, she and the pilot die pretty soon leaving the girls at the mercy of Paul L. Smith and his sister Sybil Danning. They run a major cocaine production plant from a big old crumbling villa (great location) and are in the process of making a deal with gang boss John Vernon. The girls (including Ava Cadell) are gangbanged by soldiers and left to die, but escape with machine-guns in this unremarkable but enjoyable exploitation item. Smith is great when he’s pissed-off and fuming mad (as usual). Woody Strode (who doesn’t say much) is his chief. With Dana Elcar, Nina Van Pallandt, Milton Rodriguez, Jorge Reynoso, Eliazar Garcia Jr., Gerardo Zepeda and a real stupid theme tune. Dennis Hopper was meant to play the Gortner role but got fired along with original director Billy Fine.

JUNGLE WOMAN See: NABONGA GORILLA

JUNIOR PROM (1946 US) D: GEORGE HALLIGAN (?) W: JOSEPH E. JOHNSTON Dating is serious business in this unrelenting 21 mins colour educational etiquette film designed to help teens enjoy the prom experience more. It’s a wonder that they have time to enjoy while trying to remember all the rules as we watch two couples (both with their problems) grind it through an evening of social guidance hell.

JUNK See: FACES OF DEATH (series)

JUNK IN THE DARK See: ALONE IN THE DARK (1982)

JUNKMAN (gone in 60 seconds 2) (1982 US) D/W/P: H.B. HALICKI Halicki more-or-less plays himself (or an image of himself) as Harlan Hollis, a beloved stuntman, filmmaker and single parent who loves his daughter who is assassinated (why? I don’t know). But while the country mourns (!), Halicki has in fact survived and enlists the help of a female reporter to uncover the conspiracy. There’s a whole bunch of impressive chases and stunts, but unlike the exciting GONE IN 60 SECONDS this drowns in a sea of ego-maniacal self-serving promotion, so it never gets too exciting. With Hoyt Axton, Christopher Stone, Lynda Day George, George Barris, Freddie Cannon and The Belmonts, a comic relief country hick with a piglet and a (pre-CRASH) James Dean festival. Halicki also made DEADLINE AUTOTHEFT (1983).

JUNK: SHIRYO-GARI (dead soul hunting) (1999 JPN) D/W: ATSUSHI MUROGA P: ISAO KUROSU Jewel thieves end up in a military warehouse full of zombies for unconvincing, convoluted reasons. Cue lots of screaming, gore and derivative fanboy crap that should never have been made. Avoid. With Natsuki Ozawa and Kaori Shimamura.

JUNK WARS 2035 See: CRASH AND BURN

JU-ON (2000 JPN) D/W: TAKASHI SHIMIZU P: TAKASHIGE ICHISE/KAZUO KAITO/MASAAKI TAKASHIMA The JU-ON phenomenon started when Shimizu made a segment or two for the tv horror anthology movie GAKKO NO KAIDAN G that featured elements he later expanded with this tv movie. Those segments are recreated here, along with other set pieces that offer a fragmented look at a haunted house and the spirits which possess it. For those who saw the 2003 bigscreen remake/continuation and were confused, this (and its follow up) offer some clues to the mystery. What’s more it’s just as creepy and filled with great scary set pieces. Not officially available in English as far as I know, downloadable files with subtitles kindly created by fans are around on the internet. (I think there is an official German dvd, though.) With Hua Rong Wong and Taro Suwa.

JU-ON 2 (2002 JPN) D/W: TAKASHI SHIMIZU P: TAKASHIGE ICHISE/KAZUO KAITO/MASAAKI TAKASHIMA As long as you don’t feel ripped-off that half of this second video is footage from part one, there are some great shocks and freaky scenes (in the second half) for horror fans. With the same faces from part one plus Dankan as a postman and Yuko Daike.

JU-ON: THE GRUDGE (2003 JPN) D/W: TAKASHI SHIMIZU P: TAKA ICHISE After the tv movies came this big-screen version. Taken on its own the convoluted ghost story would appear to be pathetic and full of plot holes. See the prequels first to get a substantial backstory to go along with the abundance of very scary moments. One hell of a ride. With Misaki Ito, Megumi Okina, Kanji Tsuda and Yui Ichikawa.

JU-ON: THE GRUDGE 2 (2003 JPN) D/W: TAKASHI SHIMIZU P: TAKA ICHISE Fourth feature centring on the most cursed house in Japan has more imaginative fright scenes and is way above average horror, but didn’t really scare me as much as the previous entry. I’m not really sure why. I still recommend checking it out. With Noriko Sakai, Chiharu Yiyama and Yui Ichikawa. The further adventures of characters connected to the house continued in both the American remake THE GRUDGE (and its sequels), and the parallel further Japanese offerings JU-ON: BLACK GHOST and JU-ON: WHITE GHOST (both 2009), and JU-ON: THE BEGINNING OF THE END (2014).

JURASSIC CITY See: RAPTOR

JURASSIC ISLAND See: UNKNOWN ISLAND

JURASSIC PARK (1993 US) D: STEVEN SPIELBERG W: MICHAEL CRICHTON/DAVID KOEPP P: KATHLEEN KENNEDY/GERALD R. MOLEN Crichton’s novel was turned into a huge megahit blockbuster by the ambitious but soft-edged and sentimental Spielberg. This is exactly what you would expect from him. None of the more interesting satirical elements from the novel (which was also somewhat overrated, let’s be honest) survived. Sir Richard Attenborough is the millionaire who has an island full of dinosaurs reconstructed from the DNA of an ancient fruit fly. Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum star, with Samuel L. Jackson, Wayne Knight, Miguel Sandoval and the voice of Richard Kiley. Stan Winston and ILM supervised the revolutionary FX. THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK 2 followed.

JURASSIC PARK 2 See: THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK

JURASSIC PARK 3 (2001 US) D: JOE JOHNSTON W: PETER BUCHMAN/ALEXANDER PAYNE/JIM TAYLOR P: LARRY J. FRANCO/KATHLEEN KENNEDY Sam Neill is tricked into flying to a second island filled with CGI dinosaurs by William H. Macy and Tea Leoni, whose teen son is lost there. Pretty much more of the same from executive producer Steven Spielberg, marginally better than the previous entry. With Laura Dern, John Diehl, Alessandro Nivola, Michael Jeter and Julio Oscar Mechoso.

JURASSIC JAWS See: UP FROM THE DEPTHS

JURASSIC WARS See: CARNOSAUR 3

JUST BEFORE DAWN (1980 US) D: JEFF LIEBER MAN W: MARK ARYWITZ/GREGG IRVING/JOSEPH MIDDLETON P: DAVID SHELDON/DORO VLADO HRELJANOVIC Gregg Henry is one of five youngsters who drive their RV up into the remote forests of Oregon to look at some land and do some camping. Some inbred with a big razor-edged machete kills them off. I know it sounds like a bunch of crap you’ve seen before, but this is actually a lot better than most others of its type, and there are some real surprises. With Chris Lemmon and George Kennedy. Brad Fiedel’s excellent theme sounds like krautrock, and Blondie’s Heart Of Glass is heard. Lieberman had already made the classic SQUIRM and BLUE SUNSHINE.

JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT (1968 US) D/P: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS W: LOUISE DOWNE Teenagers (including Ray Sager) get up to increasingly more violent antisocial behaviour like stealing a blind man’s cane, putting a woman’s baby in the bin and trashing everything in sight. Eventually murder results. Not one of H.G.’s most entertaining, but interesting for fans of the maestro to see his take on juvenile delinquency. The final title card reads “The end of the story — but not of the violence”. Lewis and his son Robert wrote the great theme tune Destruction Inc., and look for the band that have a prepunk freak-out jam in a club.

JUSTICE CAIN See: CAIN’S CUTTHROATS

JUST IMAGINE (1930 US) D: DAVID BUTLER W/P: BUDDY G. DeSYLVA W: LEW BROWN/RAY HENDERSON In a future (2030) where no one has names, and marriages are arranged by committee depending on eligibility, J-21 (John Garrick) wants to marry LN-18 (cute Maureen O’Sullivan, prior to being Jane in MGM’s TARZAN series). But she’s been assigned to another, more successful guy. Meanwhile a man who was struck by lightning in 1930 (vaudeville comic El Brendel, with a fake, comical Swedish accent) is revived in a laboratory (designed by Kenneth Strickfadden) as a public display. He befriends Garrick and his pal, and the trio eventually fly to Mars (!) in an attempt to better Garrick’s social position, so he can marry. The Martians are split into two groups of identical twins, one tribe nice and friendly, the other wild and hostile (and horny, this being one of several risqué pre-Code sexual gags). They wear the most incredible costumes, and in one surreal scene, dance before a seriously cool, huge statue with moving eyes (later seen as edited-in entertainment for Ming the Merciless in the FLASH GORDON serials, you’ll also notice the rocket-ship and other props and sets from FLASH). Being the Prohibition era, you also get a number of anti-Volstead Act gags (characters gobble pills to get drunk, and there’s a German drinking song on an airship!). I should also mention that it’s a musical. Often considered a visually impressive (which it is) yet disappointing and corny sci-fi comedy, JUST IMAGINE is actually a delightful, subversive and often very funny curiosity that is more often ahead-of-its-time than dated (bear in mind, it’s not as static as most early talkies). With Mischa Auer, Marjorie White, Frank Albertson, Hobart Boswell, Joyzelle Joyner as the Martian queen, Ivan Linlow as her (gay?) bodyguard, Kenneth Thomson, Wilfred Lucas, Sidney De Gray, Joseph W. Girard, Mary Carr, Heinie Conklin, George Irving, Vera Lewis and a gag about Henry Ford’s then famous antisemitism. Highly recommended.

JUST THE FEEBLES See: MEET THE FEEBLES

KABUKIMAN See: SGT. KABUKIMAN NYPD

KAGOME (2000 JPN) D/W: HIROHISA SASAKI W: KAZUYOSHI OZAWA P: YUJI NAGAMORI/NINYA YAAGI Cheap, dull, meandering supernatural nonsense about a schoolteacher who visits her home town and a cursed stone that may be responsible for her demonic pregnancy. Sleep-inducing. From an original concept by Masahiro Seki.

KAGERO-ZA (mirage theatre; heat shimmer theatre; heat haze theatre) (1981 JPN) D: SEIJUN SUZUKI W: YOZO TANAKA P: YOSHITOMO HANADA Suzuki (and Tanaka)’s follow up to ZIGEUNERWEISEN is another slow-moving, fractured and utterly hypnotic collection of images, ideas and sublime semi-narratives, guaranteed to send more impatient viewers up the wall. This time based on a novel by Kyoka Izumi. Yusaku Matsuda heads the cast in an atypical role for the late, iconic star. With Yoshio Harada, Mariko Kaga, Katsu Nakamura, Eriko Kusuda, Akaji Maro, Takeshi Naito, Ryutaro Otomo and B. Saku Sato. A decade later, YUMEJI completed the loose Taisho-era trilogy.

KAIDAN: OIWA NO BOREI (1961 JAPAN) D/W: TAI KATO Another reinterpretation of the Tokaido Yotsuya Kaidan, and it’s different and very good. Tomisaburo Wakayama is Iemon for the second time (see THE GHOSTS OF TOTSUYA, 1956), but this Iemon is an outright thief and killer with no redeeming values (he also mumbles incomprehensibly, too). Lensed in gritty b/w, it’s probably the most pessimistic version to date, another interesting addition to the underrated Kato’s filmography. With Hiroko Sakuramachi, Atsushi Watanabe, Sentaro Fushini, Kikunosuke Onoe, Ichiro Izawa, Ushio Akashi, Mitsuko Yoshikawa, Sonosuke Sawamura, Kotaro Bando, Hiroshi Sugeno, Satoshi Komori, Harue Akagi, Tsuyako Okajima and Jushiro Konoe. The next version was ILLUSION OF BLOOD (1965, I’m holding out for a full Japanese cut of this before I review it).

KAIKI (1989 JPN) D/W: GO NAGAI/HIKARI HAYAKAWA The title of this bad 45 mins two-part horror anthology is difficult to translate, but a rough equation would be “scary demon”. Nagai (creator of Devil Man and countless other hit mangas) presents from a cheesy horror host set (complete with plastic bat). The first story (directed by Nagai) has a bulimic girl discovering that a (very bad puppet) monster lives in her stomach. It emerges to eat food whenever she reaches orgasm. A man dressed as a dog howls at the moon, humps another dog, there are zombies in crappy makeup and a vampire naked under his cape. This is in no-way related to the story. The second tale (by Hayakawa) is very different (and in b/w). A woman slowly goes insane in her new house. There’s a surprise (comic) ending. This tape is interesting to watch, but any longer than its (wise) short length would grate.

KAIKI 2 (1990 JPN) D/W: GO NAGAI/HIKARI HAYAKAWA Nagai and Hayakawa strike again with another two-part anthology. The first (in colour with b/w segments) is Nagai’s The Concrete Revenger. A man is killed by bikers. The leader with scars instead of eyebrows kicks out his eye and they dip him in concrete. When the girlfriend is kidnapped and stripped naked, the guy returns as The Concrete Revenger and takes revenge. One of the bikers exclaims “he looks like the Doku Doku Monster” (Doku Doku Monster being the Japanese name for THE TOXIC AVENGER). I wonder if this is a bad taste nod to the murder of Junko Furuta (see CONCRETE review for details)? Hayakawa’s entry is in b/w with colour segments. It’s a pretty boring tales of skiers trapped in a cabin in the mountains being picked off by a floating white mass of energy that sucks blood (not as interesting as it sounds). This is even worse than the first tape. The box claims that it is in the “Kowai” (scary) zone. Haykawa later directed KEKO MASK for Nagai.

KAIRO (pulse) (2001 JPN) D/W: KIYOSHI KUROSAWA P: SHUN SHIMIZU/SEIJI OKUDA/KEN INOUE/ ATSUYUKI SHIMODA It’s a little confusing and doesn’t progress in the most coherent way, but this creepy, apocalyptic ghost story from the director of CURE and CHARISMA is filled with remarkable, original ideas and outstanding visuals. It begins with the internet and proceeds through unconventional territory in an utterly engrossing way. With Kato Haruhiko, Kumiko Asou, Koyuki, Mirai Arisaka, Shinji Takerada, Koji Yakusha, Koyuki and a brief-as-you-can-get appearance from Sho Aikawa (you won’t see his face but may recognise the voice). Remade for American audiences as PULSE in 2006 (which surprisingly spawned two sequels in 2008).

KAKASHI (scarecrow) (2001 JPN) D/W: NORIO TSURUTA W: OSAMU MURAKAMI/SATORU TAMASHIRO/ RIYUTA MIAKE P: YOICHIRO ONISHI A woman leaves Tokyo and heads into the country to find her missing brother. Her search leads her to a very remote old-fashioned village full of eccentric, unfriendly locals preparing for a scarecrow festival. Some scarecrows come to life in the finale. Not very scary adaption of a manga by Junji Ito is also highly derivative. With Kou Shibasaki.

KAKUTOGI OLYMPIC (1978 JPN) D: HIDEO NAMBU P: MITSUMO SEJIMA Follow-up to GEKITOTSU! KAKUTOGI SHIKAKUI JUNGLE is a documentary look at an open tournament for all types of martial artists. The main protagonist is a lonely student who wants a girlfriend. Like the first one, it’s a good place to find fight footage. With Antonio Inoko, Willy Williams, Benny “the jet” Urquidez, Kazuki Kajiwara and Hisao Maki.

KALIFORNIA (1993 US) D: DOMINIC SENA W: TIM METCALFE/STEPHEN LEVY P: STEVE GOLIN/ARIS McGARRY/JONI SIGHVATSSON David Duchovny and Michaelle Forbes are a writer and photographer couple from the city who pick up white trash murderer Brad Pitt and his childish girlfriend Juliette Lewis while driving through Kentucky to California. It’s pretentious, boring and thoroughly irritating. With Brett Rice.

KAMUI: THE LONE NINJA (kamui gaiden) (2009 JPN) D/W: YOIICHI SAI W: KANKURO KUDO P: AKIRA MORISHIGE/YUI TAMAE Surprisingly poor adaptation of Sanpei Shirato’s much-loved manga about a young ninja (the rubbish Kennichi Matsuyama) hunted by the Iga clan from whom he has escaped. The bulk of the story has him taking refuge in, and protecting an island community of fishermen. Koyuki (who looks the part, but is not the world’s finest actress) is another runaway among their ranks. One of the main drawbacks is the overuse of dreadful CGI (including jumping sharks). With Koiichi Sato, Kaoru Kobayashi, Panta, Anna Tsuchiya, Hideaki Ito, Yuta Kanai, Daisuke Ryu, Hiroshi Yamamoto, Suzuka Oogo, Ekin Cheng and narration by Tsutomu Yamazaki. It was shot in Okinawa. Sai has made far better films.

KANSAS CITY CONFIDENTIAL (the secret four) (1952 US) D/W: PHIL KARLSON W: HARRY ESSEX/ GEORGE BRUCE/ROWLAND BROWN/HAROLD GREENE (uncredited)/JOHN PAYNE (uncredited) P: EDWARD SMALL Payne is set up for an armoured car robbery he didn’t commit. The publicity ruins the ex-con’s reputation and he can’t get a job, so he tries to clear his name by finding the real culprits. They are Lee Van Cleef, Neville Brand and Jack Elam (all great, highly recognisable and hard-working character actors) and a mysterious fourth brain behind the operation. They’re hiding out in Tijuana, Mexico, where most of this b/w crime movie takes place despite the title. Preston Foster has an important role as an ex-cop. It’s good hard-boiled stuff, but is almost ruined by unnecessary, unlikely plot contrivances. With Mario Siletti, Howard Negley, Carleton Young, Ray Bennett, Charles Cane, Paul Dubov, Eddie Foster, Lee Phelps, William Haade, Al Hill, Mike Lally, House Peters Jr., Joey Ray, Frank J. Scannell, Charles Sherlock, Brick Sullivan, Charles Sullivan, Phil Tead, Archie Twitchell and George Wallace. Essex wrote THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON.

KAPPA (1994 JPN) D: TATSUYA ISHI W: MASUMI SUETANI This is the slight, heartwarming tale of a little boy who befriends an imp-like creature living in a lake. This forgettable, harmless kids fantasy may seem like an E.T. rip-off, but in fact the Kappa legend has been around for centuries. You may recognise the creature from movies like HUNDRED MONSTERS. With Takanori Jinnai, Tatsuya Fuji (IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES) and Ryuuji Harada star. The director was a popstar.

THE KARATE See: BRONSON LEE, CHAMPION

KARATE BOMBER See: SPIRITUAL KUNG FU

KARATE COP (1974) See: SLAUGHTER IN SAN FRANCISCO

KARATE COP (mad chaser) (1993 US) D: ALAN ROBERTS W: DENNY GRAYSON/BILL ZIDE W/P: RON MARCHINI P: GARRICK HUEY Professional fighter Marchini is not very convincing as the hero cop in a post-nuke future where there is no law. He helps a woman and her gang of orphaned children retrieve a crystal that powers a matter transporter. A street gang led by a mutant wants him dead. David Carradine makes a guest appearance. This crappy movie is actually a sequel to something called OMEGA COP (1990), that had Marchini in the same role.

KARATE EXTERMINATORS See: LIGHTNING KUNG FU

KARATE GHOSTBUSTER See: SPIRITUAL KUNG FU

KARATE INFERNO See: EXECUTIONER 2

KARATE TIGER See: NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER

KARATE TIGER 4 See: THE KING OF THE KICKBOXERS

KARATE TIGER 5 See: AMERICAN SHAOLIN

KARATE WARRIOR See: LIGHTNING KUNG FU

THE KEEP (1983 US) D/W: MICHAEL MANN P: GENE KIRKWOOD/HOWARD KOCH JR. Here’s an interesting if not completely successful horror movie from the director of MANHUNTER. German soldiers in occupied Romania use an ancient stone fortress as their new HQ during WWII. Jürgen Prochnow is the sympathetic antifascist soldier who’s outranked by evil Gabriel Byrne. Soldiers looking for treasure end up dead and Jewish prisoner Ian McKellen befriends the Golem/demon inside the keep to help him rid the world of Nazis. Scott Glenn turns up as a drifter with shining eyes who can defeat the evil, manipulating Golem (who looks cool in a comic book way). It’s based on a good novel by F. Paul Wilson, and is typically stylish fare from MIAMI VICE Mann. With Alberta Watson, Robert Prosky, William Morgan Sheppard, Rosalie Crutchley and Bruce Payne.

THE KEEPER (2004 CAN UK) D: PAUL LYNCH W: GERALD SANFORD P: JAMIE BROWN/JULIET JONES Asia Argento is a stripper almost raped by a guy in a balaclava one night. On the way out of town, sheriff Dennis Hopper chloroforms her and puts her in a basement cell at his remote cabin, for “her own good”, where her good behaviour will earn her “points”. Helen Shaver is a weird, horny small-town tv executive who wants Hopper, and his deputy Rock kids’ puppet show routine to become a syndicated tv show. Lochlyn Munro is a Deputy who slowly figures things out. This pretty stupid film is for Hopper fans only, he has some fairly amusing monologues and dialogue. He and Argento (both were in LAND OF THE DEAD, too) make a good onscreen team, and someone should have given them their own buddybuddy cop vehicle or something (Hopper passed away in 2010). With Philip Granger. Screenwriter Sanford’s been writing for tv since the 60s.

KEEPER OF THE CITY (1992 U.S) D: BOBBY ROTH W: GERALD Di PEGO P: BILL McCUTCHEN Vigilante Anthony LaPlagia blows away mobsters with his shotgun. Weary cop Louis Gossett Jr. tracks the new folk hero. Peter Coyote is a journalist. Not too interesting. With Rene Soutendjik (EVE OF DESTRUCTION), Tony Todd and Barabara Williams. Based on DiPego’s novel.

KEKO KAMEN KOI: 3 See: KEKO MASK IN LOVE

KEKO MASK 2: THE MOVIE (keko kamen) (1993 JPN) D: HIKARI HASAKAWA (?) W: GO NAGAI More of the same naked nonsense. This time other Nagai characters like Violence Jack join in the action. Of interest to me more than anything else was spotting a rotund fellow familiar from many, many scatological/fetishistic adult videos (uh… I mean, a friend of mine saw him… maybe). I think he may run the Aroma label, responsible for unleashing the depraved NIKU DARUMA and more scat tapes than you could shake a turd at.

KEKO MASK IN LOVE (keko kamen koi: 3) (1995 JPN) D: HIKARI HAYAKAWA (?) W: GO NAGAI Ok, the direction for the KEKO MASK series is usually credited in books to one Yutaka Akiyama. I know for a fact that the first episode is directed by Hayakawa. So, seeing as other reference books state all the episodes are by the same person (I tend to agree, the style remains consistent), I suspect that Hayakawa made this one also. Cast credits are also inaccurate in some books. It’s Paul Maki (not Hajime Tsukumo) who returns as the evil principal trying to figure out our naked heroine’s identity. It’s more of the same and KEKO does indeed fall in love. If you’ve seen either of the previous two entries, there’s nothing new here. But it’s as good as any for the uninitiated. Another four-part series began in 2003.

KEKO MASK: THE BIRTH (keko kamen: eiga) (1991 JPN) D: HIKARI HAYAKAWA W: GO NAGAI 50 mins pile of nonsense about a female superhero who becomes the saviour of an all-girl school where the pupils are abused by misogynistic teachers and a principal dressed as a jester (all played by comedians). She flies about naked save for a mask and cape (“I’m hiding my face but I’m not hiding my body”). It’s very silly with deliberately bad FX, bad karate and satirical jabs at Japanese optical censorship. With Moro Moroka, Pretty Nagashima, Paul Maki, Shohei Yamamoto and special guest Satomo Sekine (another comedian). It’s followed by the feature-length KEKO MASK 2: THE MOVIE and KEKO MASK IN LOVE. Nagai’s concept also resulted in an animated series on video.

KELLY’S HEROES (1970 US YUG) D: BRIAN G. HUTTON W: TROY KENNEDY-MARTIN P: SIDNEY BECKERMAN/GABRIEL KATZKA/HAROLD LOEB Clint Eastwood and Telly Savalas top-line this overlong caper/war movie. Gold bullion awaits them and their men in a bank vault behind enemy lines. Donald Sutherland is Oddball, a counterculture stereotype that doesn’t make sense in a WWII setting. With Don Rickles, Carroll O’Connor, Gavin Mac Leod, Harry Dean Stanton and Len Lesser.

KEMONOZUME (2006 JPN ANIMATED) D/W: MASAAKI YUASA/ATSUSHI TAKAHASHI/HIROSHI SHIMIZU/KANJI WAKABAYASHI/KENJI NAMAKURA D: AKITOSHI YOKOYAMA/HIROYUKI TANAKA/KENJI NAGASAKI/MASAKAZU HASHIMOTO/OSAMU KOBAYASHI/SAYO YAMAMOTO/YUICHI TANAKA W: KUBOSHICHI OGI/RYOU ONO/SEISHI MINAKAMI P: FUMINORI HARA/YUUJI KANMAI/YUKIKO NINOKATA/ YASUYO OGISU/MINORU OHNO/SHINOBU SATOU/TETSUJI TSUBOMI The Kifuuken clan train members at a dojo to fight flesh-eating monsters disguised as humans. The unwitting beasts transform into hungry mutants when aroused or overly-excited. Sometimes the Kifuuken employ hi-tech modern machinery to aid their sword skills. Although it sounds like a fairly generic violent fantasy cartoon, this 13-part series from the guy behind MIND GAME (2004) is an ambitious, surprising and often experimental mix of genres, moods and animated styles. The only infuriating thing about it is that at certain points it really peaks into something special, but on the whole is just very, very good (I suppose that shouldn’t really be a complaint, nonconsistent excellence is better than none). The main plot thread is a cross-species love story. Check it out.

KEN PARK (2002 US NETH FRA) D: LARRY CLARK/ EDWARD LACHMAN W: HAMONY KORINE P: KEES KASANDER/JEAN-LOUIS PIEL A mostly plotless, engaging look at disaffected California youth through a series of interconnected vignettes set in the suburbs. Teen (not really) nudity and non-simulated sex got Clark (who appears briefly) controversy again. Like a West Coast KIDS, but a better film I think. With James Ransome, Tiffany Limos, Amanda Plummer, Julio Oscar Mechoso, Maeve Quinlan, Wade Williams, Harrison Young and Richard Riehle.

THE KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE (1977 US) D: JOHN LANDIS W: DAVID ZUCKER/JIM ABRAHAMS/JERRY ZUCKER P: ROBERT K. WEISS Before they hit it big with AIRPLANE!, the ZAZ comedy writing team put together this series of spoofs and sketches. Despite what you may have heard, it’s not particularly funny (even the celebrated ENTER THE DRAGON spoof) and resembles later hit-and-miss Leslie Nielsen vehicles like SPY HARD. With Marilyn Joi, Uschi Digard, Felix Silla, Donald Sutherland, Bill Bixby, George Lazenby, Henry Gibson, Forrest J. Ackerman, Jack Baker, the Zuckers, Abrahams, George Cheung, Branscombe Richmond, Phillip and Simon Rhee and Landis. Rick Baker (who did the FX) is the gorilla. AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON was the 80s follow up with more laughs.

KEOMA (deperado; django rides again; django’s great return; the violent breed) (1975 ITL) D/W: ENZO G. CASTELLARI W: NINO ROLI/NINO DUCCI/ LUIGI MONTEFIORE P: NAOLO BOLOGNINI Director-for-hire Castellari has his finest moment with this brilliant and unusual western that has to be seen to understand. Franco Nero stars (as a halfbreed Indian), with Woody Strode, William Berger, Donald O’Brien, Giovanni Cianfriglia, Orso Maria Guerrini and Massimo Vanni. JONATHAN OF THE BEARS followed in 1995.

KERBEROS PANZER COPS See: THE WOLF BRIGADE

KERIM, SON OF THE SHEIK (il figlio dello sceicco; le retour du fils du sheik) (1962 ITL FRA) D: MARIO COSTA W: NINO STRESA An oppressive sheik is opposed by a mysterious masked rebel in this routine desert swashbuckler starring Gordon Scott. It’s quite the rarity, but watchable only in a rainy Sunday afternoon kinda way. With Gordon Mitchell, Moira Orfei and Alberto Farnese. Costa ended his career with the Klaus Kinski western THE BEAST.

KEY WEST CROSSING See: CUBA CROSSING

KICHIKU (DAI ENKAI) (1997 JPN) D/W/P: KAZUYOSHI KUMAKIRI P: TOMOHIRO ZAIZEN In the 70s, a small group of student radicals let themselves slip into an apathetic funk, after their leader is imprisoned. The leader’s girlfriend tries to increase her control over the splintering group. After the leader commits hara-kiri in his cell, she takes them out into the woods, where a descent into sex, blood and madness is initiated by torturing a defector. Deliberately paced and disturbing exploitation art movie features some extremely impressive, grisly FX work (shotgun rape, head blown in half), and the pungent stench of desperation, futility and utter hopelessness. Many will hate and/or be offended by its sensibilities, but it’s an impressive cinematic punch in the gut from a then-student amateur in his early 20s (who has an on-screen part).

KICK-ASS (2010 UK US) D/W/P: MATTHEW VAUGHN W: JANE GOLDMAN P: ADAM BOHLING/TARQUIN PACK/BRAD PITT/DAVE REID/KRIS THYKIER Weedy comic book-reading teen Aaron Johnson becomes the titular masked “super” hero (with no real powers or abilities) and YouTube sensation in this great low-budget (but visually very impressive) adaptation of Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.’s comic book, a good example of what an acceptable, fun fanboy movie can be. Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage) and the foul-mouthed little Hit Girl (Chloë Moretz, obviously having a lot of fun) are the father-daughter crime-fighting duo up against gangsters led by Mark Strong. Action-packed, funny, with a great use of music and straddling the line between parody and true affection true to the original source. With Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Red Mist, Dexter Fletcher, Lyndsy Fonseca, Elizabeth McGovern, Stu “Large” Riley, Michael Rispoli, Jason Flemyng, Tamer Hassan, Yancy Butler, Xander Berkeley and Craig Ferguson as himself. There are animated sequences. See also DEFENDOR and SUPER (2011). KICK-ASS 2 (2013) was bigger, louder, charmless and really rather poor.

KICKBOXER (1989 US) D: DAVID WORTH D/P: MARK DiSALLE W: GLENN A. BRUCE Jean-Claude Van Damme seeks revenge after his brother is paralysed in Thailand during a kick-boxing fight. He trains with Dennis Chan and eventually goes up against Tong Po/Michel Qissi in the ring where the fighters use shredded glass gloves. With Benny “The Jet” Urquidez, Lau kar Wing and, sad to report, a gratuitous Van Damme disco dancing scene. Ok, but BLOODSPORT was better. Both of these hits led to an onslaught of kick-boxing films that seemed like it would never end.

KICK BOXER (once upon a chinese hero; huang fei-hong zhi gui jiao qi; wong fei hung chi gwai geuk chat) (1992 HK) D: WU MA W: LEE MAN-CHOI P: YUEN BIAO Biao is a wannabe student of the legendary (and unseen) Wong Fei Hung who’s framed for smuggling opium from Hong Kong into his mainland home town of Po Chi Lam. He works for villain Yuen Wah, providing insider information for gold-shoed cop Yen Shi-Kwan in an effort to clear his name. There’s some good fight action choreographed by Biao and Yuen Miu (who also has a part), but not enough of it so that you can ignore the pedestrian pacing in general (unusual for the underrated Ma, who has a major role wearing goofy teeth). Not bad, but you won’t miss much if you skip it. With Tai Bo, and plenty of cartoonish, evil foreigners.

KICKBOXER 2: THE ROAD BACK (1991 US) D: ALBERT PYUN W: DAVID GOYER P: TOM KARNOWSKI This sequel’s better than part one and surprisingly enjoyable as kick-boxing movies go. Sasha Mitchell stars as the younger brother of Van Damme’s character in the original, too busy teaching underprivileged street kids how to fight to join up with crooked fight promoter Peter Boyle. But when his gym is torched and a little boy dies, Mitchell trains with Dennis Chan (returning from the original) and eventually takes on the impressive and scary Michel Qissi, a Thai kick-boxer who killed his friend in the ring. With Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa as a villainous promoter, Matthias Hues (from DARK ANGEL), John Diehl, Heather McComb, Vincent Klyn, Brian Austin Green and RABID GRANNIES director Emmanuel Kervyn. The ending’s a little anticlimactic, but you’re lucky to be getting a half-decent flick from Pyun. Associate producer Goyer also wrote ARCADE (1993) for the usually crappy director before moving on to bigger stuff like BLADE. Mark Damon was executive producer.

KICKBOXER 3: THE ART OF WAR (1992 US) D: RICK KING W: DENNIS PRATT P: MICHAEL PARISER Mitchell and Chan return in this lesser sequel that’s about as passable as the original was. While in Rio de Janeiro for a tournament they help a homeless young brother and sister and fight a seemingly friendly American fight promoter who has his hand in a teen prostitute racket. With Ian Jacklin, Milton Goncalves, Ricardo Petraglia, Gracindo Junior, Fabio Junquiera, Nildo Parente and Monique Lafond. Mitchell returned for KICKBOXER 4 (1994), but not KICKBOXER 5 (1995). [Illus.]

KICKBOXING ACADEMY (1997 US) D/W: RICHARD GABAI W: L.A. MADDOX P: SAM LUPOWITZ Cable-filler about rival kick-boxing kids’ teams. Gabai appears as a fast food restaurant manager and Steve Bauer is a villain. With Chyler Leigh and Daphne Duplaix. Don’t be fooled by the Christopher Lee credit, it’s not that Christopher Lee.

KICKMASTER See: WHEN TAE KWONDO STRIKES

KICK OF DEATH See: KUNG FU: THE PUNCH OF DEATH

A KID IN ALADDIN’S PALACE (1997 US) D/P: ROBERT L. LEVY W: MICHAEL PART P: PETE ABRAHAMS/ J.P. GUERIN/NASAN ZAHAVI Thomas Ian Nicholas is a kid working at a pizza parlour sucked back to ancient Baghdad by a genie in a lamp to save Aladdin in this follow up to A KID IN KING ARTHUR’S COURT. With James Faulkner, Rhona Mitra, Taylor Negron, John Toles-Bey, lame computer FX and a farting camel for comic relief.

A KID IN KING ARTHUR’S COURT (1995 US HUN UK) D: MICHAEL GOTTLIEB W/P: ROBERT L. LEVY W: MICHAEL PART P: PETER ABRAMS/J.P. GUERIN Thomas Ian Nicholas is a teenage baseball player who goes back in time during an earthquake (how exactly is not made clear) to the time of King Arthur and Merlin, and, of course, becomes a hero. A prestardom Kate Winslet is in this bad kids adventure movie. With Joss Ackland, Art Malik, Daniel Craig, Ron Moody and Shane Rimmer. A KID IN ALADDIN’S PALACE was the follow up to avoid.

THE KIDNAP LOVER See: KIDNAPPED COED

KIDNAPPED See: RABID DOGS

KIDNAPPED COED (house of terror; the kidnapper; date with a kidnapper; the kidnap lover; trouble) (1978 US) D/W/P: FREDERICK R. FRIEDEL Jack Canon kidnaps college girl Leslie Ann Rivers for ransom and takes her to a motel. But it turns out that an even meaner pair of crooks have taken over the place. That’s just the first encounter in many bizarre stop-offs en route in this odd road movie released by Box Office International. It starts off hard-boiled and nasty and ends up as a kind of goofy love story. Not for everyone, but different. Look for Larry Drake. Worth Keeter did the makeup and Phil Smoot (THE DARK POWER) was assistant cameraman. Friedel had previously made AXE (1977), and returned over 20 years later with MY NEXT FUNERAL.

THE KIDNAPPER See: KIDNAPPED COED

KIDS (1995 US) D: LARRY CLARK W: HARMONY KORINE/JIM LEWIS P: CARY WOODS Slice-of-life look at New York City teens who hang around, have sex, take drugs and act older than most film critics at the time expected, leading this to be labelled as a shocking exposé in the spirit of old roadshow features. In actuality it’s a sometimes entertaining and interesting (and sometimes rambling and dull) docudrama that’s not as non-judgmental as sometimes reported (the medium of film requires editing and a musical score, to name just two techniques that are used here for provocative effect). Leo Fitzpatrick and Chloe Sevigny are the ‘stars’. With Rosario Dawson, Jon Abrahams and Justin Pierce. It was the first credit for then 19-year-old (when he wrote it three years prior to release) ex-pro skateboarder Korine (who has a cameo). He went on to direct his own (much more interesting) GUMMO.

KIDS ACE IN THE HOLE See: FIGHTING ACE

KIDS RETURN (1996 JPN) D/W: TAKESHI KITANO P: MASAYUKI MORI/YASUSHI TSUGE/YAKIO YUSHIDA Masanobu Ando stars in this insightful, touching and often very funny nostalgia piece about a couple of young Tokyo street punks looking back at the separate paths they took after dropping out of high school. With Yuuko Daike, Ryo Ishibashi, Susumu Terajima, Masami Shimojoe and Ren Osugi. Another essential gem for Kitano fans.

KID WITH THE GOLDEN ARMS (gam bei tung; jin bei tong) (1979 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: MONA FONG/RUNME SHAW Director Chang Cheh, screenwriter I. Kuang and a highly talented stable of actors and choreographers made countless high-quality kung fu films for the Shaw Bros. The most famous being FIVE DEADLY VENOMS. Since that classic, kung fu fans have labelled other Cheh/ Shaw films with many of the same principal actors as the “venoms” films. You will find reviews of several of them scattered throughout this book. Here’s an excellent example of a “venoms” film. Lo Meng is the title character who must foil the hijacking of a shipment of gold that’s being escorted cross-country. Plot-wise there’s little to recommend, but the reason to watch this (and most “venoms” films) is the masterful fight choreography (credited to Lu Feng and Chiang Sheng, who both also act here, and Robert Tai). Along with the original FIVE DEADLY VENOMS, it’s an excellent introduction to the world of Chang Cheh and the Venoms. With Phillip Kwok, Wai Pak, Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Poon Bing Seung and Jamie Luk Kim Ming.

KILL! (kiru) (1968 JPN) D/W: KIHACHI OKAMOTO W: AKIRA MURAO Joshu 1837 is the setting for this complex and ever-changing parody of Samurai movies (of which Okamoto is a respected veteran) and spaghetti westerns. Based on a story by Shugoro Yamamoto, it’s a highly respected b/w spoof of the traditional and the macho that can be found on many critics’ top 10 Samurai movie lists, kind of a pat-on-the-back for “getting” it (and it’s got itself a dvd release on the elitist Criterion collection). Problem is, it’s just not funny, and more irritatingly smart-arse than anything else, kind of a proto-SAMURAI FICTION (and that didn’t work either). The best thing about it is Masaru Soto’s Morricone-like theme tune. Tatuya Nakadai (of several genuinely great samurai flicks) stars, with Shigeru Koyama, Akira Kubo, Tadao Nakamura, Eijiro Tono, Isao Hashimoto, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Eisei Amamoto and Yuriko Hoshi.

KILL AND PRAY (let them rest; kill and say your prayers; requiescant; mogen sie in driedes ruhen) (1968 ITL W.GER) D/P: CARLO LIZZANI W: LUCCIO BATTISTRADA/ARMANDO CRISPINO/ARDRIANO BOLZONI/FRANCO BUCCERI/RENATO IZZO P: ERNST R. VON THEUMER Lou Castel stars in this offbeat, memorable western that’s highly recommended viewing for those looking for more quality spaghetti westerns beyond the films of Sergio Leone. Mark Damon is the villain and Pier Paolo Pasolini has a good part as a gunfighting priest. To detail the plot would spoil many surprises, but this really is a gem of its type. With Franco Citti, Ninetto Davoli, Vittorio Duse, Massimo Sarchielli, Giovanni Ivan Scratuglia, Renato Terra and Frank Brana. The music is by Riz (CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST) Ortolani. Battistrada and Crispino later collaborated on AUTOPSY.

KILL AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS See: KILL AND PRAY

KILL, BABY… KILL! (curse of the dead; curse of the living dead; don’t walk in the park; operation fear; operazione paura) (1966 ITL) D/W: MARIO BAVA W: ROMANO MIGLIORINI/ROBERTO NATALE P: NANDO PISANI/LUCIANO CATENACCI Giacomo Rossi-Stuart is a coroner who arrives in a small village to examine the body of a “suicide” victim discovered with a small gold coin embedded in the heart. A ghostly apparition of a little girl seems to be responsible in a sometimes illogical, but supremely atmospheric chiller that may not rank among Bava’s finest, but is well worth watching. Erika Blanc co-stars, with Piero Lulli and Mirella Pamphili. Lamberto Bava was the assistant director.

KILL BILL: VOLUME ONE (2003 US) D/W: QUENTIN TARANTINO P: LAWRENCE BENDER Tarantino’s much anticipated fourth full feature will disappoint anyone expecting more than a flashy, show-off tongue-in-cheek homage to kung fu, yakuza and Samurai movies. The (very bland) Uma Thurman awakes from a coma to avenge the death of her husband-to-be and her baby at the hands of her former Viper Assassination Squad colleagues Lucy Liu, Daryl Hannah, Vivicia A. Fox, Michael Madsen and, of course, Bill (David Carradine, only heard in this instalment). It was a little too fanboy for my tastes, the nonlinear storytelling style is all wrong and it didn’t really live up to the classics it pays homage to, but I still had some fun with it in a theatre. With Michael Parks, Sonny Chiba, Chikai Kuriyami (from BATTLE ROYALE), Liu Chia Hui, Julie Dreyfus, Jun Kunimura, Kazuki Kitamura, Akaji Maro, Larry Bishop, ICHI THE KILLER screenwriter Sakichi Sato as Charlie Brown and Michael Bowen (not to mention The 5-6-7-8’s covering Woo Hoo by The Rock-a-Teens). Katsuhito Ishii (SHARK SKIN MAN AND PEACH HIP GIRL, PARTY 7) provided the animated sequence. Being too young to have experienced kung fu in theatres, I enjoyed seeing the Shawscope logo on a big-screen the most.

KILL BILL VOL. 2 (2004 US) D/W: QUENTIN TARANTINO P: LAWRENCE BENDER I’m glad I took my own advice and watched this at home, as the more laconic pacing seemed to suit the smaller, more intimate experience as opposed to watching in a theatre. There’s much more of the trademark Tarantino dialogue this time around (maybe a little too much, almost seeming like a self-parody) and it is most definitely the spaghetti western B side to Vol. 1’s martial arts bent. This doesn’t make it any more substantial, but I think it works better simply because Tarantino’s working with a style he’s obviously much more adept at. This is confirmed when a martial arts sequence between Uma Thurman and Liu Chia Hui (in a different role this time) comes off as thoroughly underwhelming. Good entertainment, but keep in mind that if you loved the first one you may be disappointed (this seems to be more often the case than not). With David Carradine, Michael Madsen, Daryl Hannah, Michael Parks (also switching roles), Bo Svenson (the acting highlight I thought, even though he’s not on-screen for long), Larry Bishop, Sid Haig and Samuel L. Jackson.

KILL BY INCHES (1999 US FRA) D/W/P: DIANEDONIAL VALCROZE/ARTHUR FLANN P: GILL HOUND Snail-paced, boring, arty waste of time about an NYC tailor (Emmanuel Salinger) obsessed with body measurements who turns to murder. The rest of the time is spent on endless talk and sub-Polanski attempts at atmosphere. Miriam Cyr is Salinger’s competitive, antagonising sister. With Francoise Brion, Peter McRobbie and Flann (as an extra).

KILL CASTRO See: CUBA CROSSING

KILL CHARLEY VARRICK See: CHARLEY VARRICK

KILL CRUISE See: SKIPPER BLOODY ATLANTIC

KILLDOZER (1974 US) D: JERRY LONDON W: THEODORE STURGEON/ED MacKILLOP P: HERBERT F. SOLOW After THE EXORCIST was a hit the previous year, pretty much anything could end up possessed in the movies. This stupid tv movie has a bulldozer possessed (or “controlled”) by an “alien force” (a meteorite lands in the quarry). Clint Walker is the hero who must stop it from killing idiotic hard-hat workers who insist on crawling away slowly from it rather than getting up and running! With Neville Brand and Robert Urich. Based on Sturgeon’s novella.

THE KILLER (sacred knives of vengeance; da sha shou; daai saai sau) (1972 HK) D: CHOR YUEN W: GWOK GA P: RUN RUN SHAW Chung Wa is a knife expert who returns to his home town only to be tricked by opium traffickers (who turn out to be Japanese gunrunners too!) into fighting a kung fu school trying to keep the blighters at bay. Childhood friend and Government Inspector Chin Han vouches for him, but the villains frame Chung for murder and try to turn them against each other. It’s a little slow-going, with too much romantic triangle melodrama featuring singer Wang Ping, but stick with this Shaw Bros release for the final 15 mins, which is brutal and bloody basher heaven for genre fans, including Ku Feng wielding a katana. With Chiang Nan, Cheng Miu, Yeung Chi-Hing, Cheng Lui, Cheng Kang-Yeh, Wang Kuang-Yu, Yuen Yat-Choh, Yen Shi-Kwan, Yuen Shun-Yi, San Kuai, Ho Pak-Kwong, Fung Hak-On, Huang Ha, Sai Gwa-Pau, Danny Chow, Wong Mei, Brandy Yuen, Lee Ho, Phillip Ko Fei, Wong Pau-Gei, Wong Shu-Tong, San Sin, Lo Wai, Ko Hung, Lee Chiu, Chan Dik-Hak, Lau Jun-Fai, Liu Wai, Yi Fung, Tony Lee, Law Keung, Alan Chan Kwok-Kuen, Kwan Yan, Kong Chuen, Ng Yuen-Fan, Cheung Sek-Aau, Cheung Chi-Ping, Chan Siu-Gai, Bak Yu, Lam Siu, Cheung Chok-Chow, Ting Tung and action choreographers Yuen Cheung-Yan and Yuen Woo-Ping.

THE KILLER (dip huet seung hung; die xie shuang xiong) (1989 HK) D/W: JOHN WOO P: TSUI HARK The archetypical “heroic bloodshed” movie that (along with others) would be so influential on American action producers looking for something new. The plot (“borrowed” from the French LE SAMOURAI [1967] and Teruo Ishii’s 1964 obscurity NAZARU MONO) has hitman Chow Yun-Fat feeling guilty after he blinds a singer (Sally Yeh) during a shoot-out. He assassinates a political candidate to pay for her operation, but things naturally go wrong. Eventually Fat must face off against other hitmen and deal with his old pal turned cop Danny Lee. I believe that this will be remembered for years to come when other HK hyperkinetic action films have been forgotten as it blends the action into the story seamlessly. It’s not just a final-reel pay-off thing. With Shing Fui-On, Kenneth Tsang and Parkman Wong. On a final note, don’t give Woo too much credit for the action itself; choreographers Ching-Tsiu Tung and Lau Chi Ho are the forgotten professionals that make a lot of this work so well.

KILLER ANTS See: ANTS!

KILLER ARMY (the guerillas; the rebel intruders; daai saai sei fong; da sha si fang) (1979 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW/MONA FONG When a city accepts lots of war refugees, an army is set up to guard and keep control of them. But abuse of power is rampant as many soldiers abuse, humiliate, torture and kill. Lu Feng, Sun Chien, and Kuo Chue are a trio of refugees with superior martial arts talent who fight back against repression after they witness a murder. Lo Meng is the main villain, with Chiang Sheng (who choreographed along with Lu and Kuo Fui), Wang Han Chen, Yeung Hung, Chin Siu Ho, Lam Wai, Wan Seung Lam and Cheung Hei. Not one of the classics, but another solid, superior action movie from Chang Cheh and Co.

KILLER BATS See: THE DEVIL BAT

THE KILLER BEES See: THE BEES

THE KILLER BEHIND THE MASK See: SAVAGE WEEKEND

KILLER BIRDS See: KILLING BIRDS

KILLER BUZZ (flying virus; abalhas: ataque mortal) (2001 US BRZ) D/W: JEFF HARE/ZANI LEO P: GEORGE SHAMIEH In the exploited rainforests of Brazil, “demons of the sky” (genetically engineered killer bees) attack. Irresponsible doctor David Naughton takes them aboard a flight to the US, and turbulence sets them loose. Craig Sheffer is the hero in the sky, while reporter Gabrielle Anwar and cameraman Mark Adair-Rios race to find the antidote of the native “shadow people” in this useless rubbish that borrows some explosion footage from RAMBO. Rutger Hauer seems to be enjoying himself as one of the bad guys. With Adam Wylie and Lisa Wilhoit.

KILLER CONDOM (kondom des grauens) (1996 GER SWITZ) D/W: MARTIN WALZ W: RALPH KONIG/ MARIO KRAMP P: RALPH S. DIETRICH/HARALD REICHEBNER This dumb comedy lensed in Berlin and New York has a killer prophylactic with teeth biting off cocks. A gay chain-smoking cop with a big dick (Udo Samel) is the main character in a NYC where everyone speaks German. Troma released it in the US, and I’m sure lots have been duped into watching this crummy thing because of the title. With Peter Lohmeyer, Leonard Lansink, Iris Berben, Henning Scluter, Ralf Wolter, Evelyn K. Usekke, Gerd Warreling, Meret Becker and Otto Sander. Jörg Buttergeit did second unit work and also provided the FX.

KILLER CONSTABLE See: LIGHTNING KUNG FU

KILLER CROCODILE (murder alligator) (1988 ITL) D/W/P: “LARRY LUDMAN” (FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS) W: “DAVID PARKER JR.” (DARDANO SACCHETTI) Ecologists in the Amazon discover a giant crocodile (the result of radioactive waste dumping) that eats them. With “Thomas Moore” (Ennio Girolami), Van Johnson, Sherrie Rose (her first film) and Gianetto De Rossi croc FX. Not very exciting stuff from the director of the THUNDER WARRIOR series (who used to be a postman).

KILLER CROCODILE 2 (1990 ITL) D/W: GIANNETTO DE ROSSI W/P: “LARRY LUDMAN” (FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS) W: “DAVID PARKER JR.” (DARDANO SACCHETTI) The guy who created the not-tooconvincing crocodile FX helmed this silly, unwanted sequel. Another giant crocodile eats tourists who say things like “when I take off my bathing suit I feel naked”. With “Thomas Moore” (Ennio Girolami) and Sacchetti.

KILLER DENTIST See: THE DENTIST 2

THE KILLER ELEPHANTS (elephant killer) (1976 THAI) D: SOM KIT P: CHOW MING The plot’s a little confusing, but I think there are two “gangs” (of a nondescript nature) in a rural community. One is a bad gang who kill, and they’ve framed the head of the other basically good gang for murder. His group of men ride elephants. A cop (star Sombat Metanee under the pseudonym “Pa Sung”) is trying to sort out the conflict. The impressive elephants don’t kill, but do go on a destructive rampage, rolling cars and toppling wooden houses. With some dangerous real stunts, a look at an elephant carnival and a bodypainted nude dancer (someone rides a motorbike through the club wall and kills her). Not a must-see, but different. The lively soundtrack is either stolen or closely copied (hard to tell if that’s Morricone’s ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST score through a modified sound system, or a rip-off).

THE KILLER ELITE (1975 US) D: SAM PECKINPAH W: MARC NORMAN/STERLING SILLIPHANT P: MARTIN BAUM/ARTHUR LEWIS Despite what you may have heard, this is damn good. One of Peckipah’s most underrated. He does a first-class job with a first-class script (based on Robert Rustard’s novel Monkey In The Middle) and has a brilliant cast to deliver some cracking dialogue. James Caan stars as an agent working for a secret “protection” agency inside the CIA. His friend and partner Robert Duvall double crosses and cripples him. Caan seeks vengeance while protecting Mako from ninjas and Duvall. Bo Hopkins and Burt Young are his partners. With Arthur Hill, Gig Young, Uschi Digard, George Cheung and Victor Sen Young. The only quibble I have is that many different Asian cultures seem to have been mixed up and presented without distinction. Monte Hellman was an editor.

KILLER FISH (deadly treasure of the piranha; treasure of the piranha; l’aguatto sul fondo; the naked sun; o peixe assassino) (1978 ITL BRZ FRA) D: “ANTHONY DAWSON” (ANTONIO MARGHERITI) W: “MICHAEL ROGERS” (KENNETH ROSS) P: ALEX PONTI Diamond thieves led by Lee Majors and Karen Black successfully pull off a heist in Brazil and deposit their haul in a dam until the heat cools off. When some impatient robbers try to get their hands on the loot early, they discover that mastermind James Fransiscus is one step ahead of them and has put piranha in the water to secure his investment. The main leads (including Margaux Hemingway, who’s awful) end up on a boat slowly sinking in a lake full of piranha after the dam bursts. Not a good film by any means, but enjoyable trash if you’re in the mood. With Marisa Berenson, Dan Pastorini, Frank Pesce, Antonio De Teffe and Fabio Sabag. Guido and Maurizio De Angelis’ score includes a disco theme tune.

KILLER FISTS See: SHAOLIN KUNG FU MYSTAGOGUE

KILLER FORCE (diamond mercenaries) (1975 SWITZ IRE US S.AFR) D/W: VAL GUEST W: MICHAEL WINNER/GERALD SANFORD P: NAT and PATRICK WACHSBERGER Telly Savalas is the heartless chief of security at a heavily guarded diamond mine and vault compound out in the desert. Some mercenaries, including Hugh O’Brian, Christopher Lee and O.J. Simpson try to raid it. A very hairy, wisecracking Peter Fonda is a security officer who goes undercover to infiltrate them. Maud Adams is his international model girlfriend. There are a few surprises in this engaging heist movie filmed in Namibia and Ireland. The soundtrack has its moments, too. From AIP.

KILLER FROM SHANTUNG See: THE BOXER FROM SHANTUNG

KILLER GATOR See: XTINCTION: PREDATOR X

KILLER GRIZZLY See: GRIZZLY

KILLER HAND See: THE HAND

KILLER HOBBY See: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5

THE KILLER INSIDE ME (1976 US) D: BURT KENNEDY W: “EDWARD ANDREW MANN” (SANTOS ALCOCER)/ROBERT CHAMBLEE P: MICHAEL W. LEIGHTON Stacy Keach is a pillar-of-the-community deputy sheriff in a Montana mining town. Keeping the peace during a run up to the local election, dealing with minor corruption and wrestling with personal demons and problems, pushes him over the edge in this low-key but effective, well-paced Jim Thompson adaptation. Would make a nice double bill with THE KILL-OFF (1990). Don Stroud is very good as the troublemaking spoilt brat son of a political candidate and Susan Tyrrell is a hooker who likes to be beat up. With Keenan Wynn, Julie Adams, Royal Dano, Charles McGraw, John Dehner, Pepe Serna and John Carradine in a funny scene. The book was adapted again in 2009.

THE KILLER INSIDE ME (2009 US SWE UK CAN) D: MICHAEL WINTERBOTTOM W: JOHN CURRAN P: CHRIS HANLEY/BRADFORD L. SCHELI/ANDREW EATON Second screen version of Jim Thompson’s extraordinary 1952 novel is closer to the tone, and the events (not to mention the violent brutality) therein. It’s well done and extremely well acted, with some nice nuances being the icing on the cake. Taken on its own merit it comes highly recommended, but fans of the novel will have a hard time accepting Casey Affleck in the role of sheriff Lou Ford. He just doesn’t look and feel right (although his performance is perfectly fine). With Kate Hudson, Jessica Alba, Ned Beatty, Elias Koteas, Tom Bower, Simon (The Mentalist) Baker, Bill Pullman, Brent Briscoe and a nice selection of country swing and rockabilly on the soundtrack. Set in Texas, it was shot in Oklahoma and New Mexico. Many outraged critics deemed it misogynistic trash on release.

THE KILLER IS STILL AMONG US (l’assassino e ancora tra noi) (1985 ITL) D/W/P: CAMILLO TETI W: ERNESTO GASTALDI/GIULIANO CARNIMEO This murder mystery thriller about a female student criminologist trying to profile a serial killer of young couples is based on real-life events in Florence. Since the killer was never found, this infuriating film ends with a freeze-frame explaining how we should all be careful! It’s highly regarded among fans of the Italian giallo, but it irritated me. With a nipple slicing and vagina mutilation. Busy screenwriter Gastaldi has been working since the early 60s on things like THE VAMPIRE AND THE BALLERINA, WEREWOLF IN A GIRL’S DORMITORY, the western DAYS OF WRATH, CONCORDE AFFAIR 79, HANDS OF STEEL as well as other gialli.

KILLER KLOWNS FROM KANSAS ON KRACK (2003 US) D/W/P: CHARLES E. CULLEN Three rodeo clowns (one is a puppet) are fired for smoking dope, and leave cross-country on foot (followed by someone in a chicken suit). They get crack from dealers with a cart (more puppets), get high and kill (victims include a little girl and a guinea pig). A radio preacher for “The New Civilisation” is another important character, as is a sheriff with a big stick-on nose (Cullen). If it sounds stupid, it is, at least 20 mins too long at 100, and parts grate terribly. On the other hand some parts are very funny, and some oddly disturbing (long static shots put me in mind of David Lynch’s shot-on-DV 2006 classic INLAND EMPIRE). The FX (some are CGI) are as cheap as can be, but sometimes work. A real oddity, genuinely walking the thin line between contrived weirdness and something special. Cullen, working out of Roanoke, Virginia, has completed several no-budget features (which are very obscure), makes music (which can he heard in this film) and had his own public access tv show. I’m curious to see more of his work.

KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (1987 US) D/W/P: STEPHEN CHIODO W/P: CHARLES CHIODO/ EDWARD CHIODO A circus tent-shaped spaceship lands in the woods and evil looking clowns kill people with toy guns that turn them into candy floss cocoons. They also have killer popcorn, a balloon sniffer dog and a biker has his head punched off (later copied in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 8). This unique throwback to 50s sci-fi has great FX, a good sense of humour and manages to stretch its jokey concept out to feature length. John Vernon is great as a hateful police officer (used in one scene as a ventriloquist dummy). Royal Dano has a small part and The Dickies sing the theme tune. The Chiodo Bros usually do FX, and are most famous for creating the CRITTERS.

THE KILLER METEORS (jackie chan vs wang yu; feng yu shuang liu xing; feng yu seung lau sing) (1976 HK) D: LO WEI W: KU LUNG P: HSU-LI HUA Wang Yu is the Killer Meteor, some kind of bounty hunter who lives in the wilderness and has a secret weapon that he never reveals. He’s hired by The Immortal (Jackie Chan) to kill his wife, who’s poisoned him and is keeping him prisoner by regulating the antidote. She’s protected by four bodyguards, including one who uses “voodoo” and another with magnetic hands (Phillip Ko Fei). The convoluted murder mystery plot involves stolen treasure, melting faces (very obvious balloons), and when Wang Yu unleashes his secret weapon it’s pretty cool. Different and amusing stuff, which is described (by Jackie Chan fans) as the worst kung fu movie ever made. They obviously haven’t seen many kung fu films. With Lee Man Tai, Ma Cheung, Ma Kei, Chan Wai Lau, Lee Keung, Sit Hon, Man Man, Shih Ting Ken and Ching Kuo Chung. Chan San Yat was the action choreographer. Lo Wei (who put Jackie in many early starring roles) was also the executive producer.

THE KILLER MUST STRIKE AGAIN See: THE DARK IS DEATH’S FRIEND

KILLER OF SHEEP (1977 US) D/W/P: CHARLES BURNETT Burnett’s student film is a b/w slice-of-life look at the black community in Watts, LA, primarily that of a single parent slaughterhouse worker, trying to keep his family together. Not quite the outright classic you may heave heard, it’s still an interesting counterpoint to the stick-it-to-the-man blaxploitation flicks of the 70s, with great photography, editing and ironic use of music. Still not that widely seen, a minor cult film in search of a cult.

KILLER OF SNAKE, FOX OF SHAOLIN (ren gui she hu da jue dou) (1978 TAI) D: MAN WAH P: YIH SAN PAO Very weird period martial arts fantasy is about a lecherous young man (Cheung Lik, I think) who wants a young girl for his wife. But he is, quite literally, a snake (who can transform into a man). She’s a fox! She wants (human) Carter Wong! Cheezy and cheap, but engagingly different. With Cheung Hei.

KILLER ON THE ROAD See: BUTTERFLY KISS

KILLER PARTY (the april fool) (1984 US) D: WILLIAM FRUET W: BARNEY COHEN P: MICHAEL LEPINER A killer in a diving suit offs teens during a frat party in this awful spoof of slasher movies scripted by the guy who wrote FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 4. With Paul Bartel and Damir Andrei.

THE KILLERS (1964 US) D/P: DON SIEGEL W: GENE L. COOL The hard-boiled tale of a racing driver being led to crime by a femme fatale (Angie Dickinson) and the repercussions is told in flashback by various characters being leaned on by hitmen Lee Marvin and John Cassavettes. Marvin is pretty tough in this one, roughing up a blind old woman in the first scene. Obviously they have their reasons for getting involved, but I’m not going to spoil this well made, tightly structured thriller for you by gabbing everything here. With Clu Gulager, Claude Akins, Norman Fell, Ronald Reagan, Virginia Christine, Dan Haggerty, Seymour Cassel, Burt Mustin and Richard Lane. It’s a remake of a classic noir from 1946. There was also HIT MEN in 1972 from Italy and Andrei Tarkovsky’s 1958 Russian short. All are based on an Ernest Hemingway story.

KILLERS (the guns and the killers; real killers) (1996 US) D/W: MIKE MENDEZ W/P: DAVE LARSEN A couple of movie fan killer brothers who shot their parents escape from federal custody and arrive at a family’s suburban home. They criticise their video collection, tie-up the father and have sex with the willing mother and teen daughters who seem to idolise them. This terrible Tarantino-inspired fanboy crap has lots of awkward, supposed-to-be-clever dialogue and a surprise ending. Guaranteed to irritate.

KILLERS FROM SPACE (1954 US) D/P: W. LEE WILDER W: BILL RAYNOR/MYLES WILDER Nevada Salt Flats nuclear testing zone. Pilot Peter Graves’ plane goes into freefall and crashes, but his body can’t be found. He later shows up very dazed and confused. Turns out he’s been hypnotised to help aliens who have come to take over Earth for their race, using giant insects and lizards to clear the world of humans. Pretty bad, but worthwhile if only for the aliens who wear all-black hooded jumpsuits and have ping pong ball eyes (due to the lack of light on their planet), overscored with bushy eyebrows. Lowbudget makeup veteran Harry Thomas came up with that one. I also liked the little “futuristic” touches such as the alien writing paper (tin foil!) and death ray. With James Seary, Steve Pendleton, Frank Gerstle, Roy Engel, Ben Welden, Lester Dorr and scenes at Bronson Canyon. The director is Billy Wilder’s brother! DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL is a comical redubbed version released in 2002.

KILLERS GAME See: THE GREEN JADE STATUETTE

THE KILLER SHREWS (attack of the…) (1959 US) D: RAY KELLOGG W: JAY SIMMS P: KEN CURTIS Scientists test out a ridiculous scientific theory about lowering the human metabolic rate on shrews at a remote island. Soon the shrews (actually dogs with fake fangs and carpeting strapped to their backs) grow to the size of, well… dogs, and attack with their poisonous fangs. After all that’s been written about it, THE KILLER SHREWS is a bit of a let-down and pretty dull. In b/w, with James Best.

KILLER’S KISS (1955 US) D/W/P: STANLEY KUBRICK W: HOWARD O. SACKLER P: MORRIS BOUSEL Prior to THE KILLING Kubrick made this excellent low-budget gem that should be seen by any filmmaker attempting location photography on a shoestring. Kubrick also handled the camera for this one. The story concerns a love triangle between a boxer, a nightclub dancer and her jealous boyfriend/manager/ psycho. Minimum storyline but hypnotic location photography of NYC backstreets. STRANGER’S KISS (1983) was a later flick about the making of this.

KILLER’S MOON (1978 UK) D/W/P: ALAN BIRKINSHAW W: FAY WELDON (uncredited) P: GORDON KEYMER A schoolgirl choir on tour and two very prim and proper female teachers escorting them take refuge at an out-of-season hotel in the middle of nowhere after their coach breaks down. A trio of escaped lunatics who are tripping on LSD and think they are in a dream (due to some kind of experimental rehabilitation techniques) turn up to rape and kill. Two men on a camping trip (one is American) are the heroes. This often silly and badly-acted oddity at least tries to be different. Birkinshaw’s sister Weldon (a future bestselling novelist) no doubt contributed to some of the (often contrived) attempts at interesting non-clichéd dialogue, but I wonder who came up with “it’s all right, we’re not mad rapists” and “look, you were only raped!” The killers dressed all in white, while referring to each other as Mr. so-and-so and speaking in odd rhythms may remind you of A CLOCKWORK ORANGE’s droogs (especially when one dons a bowler hat). The music is not what you’d expect either. All told, a worthwhile curio for followers of Brit exploitation rarities, but inevitably overrated by those stuck-in-a-rut video-age fanatics of anything pre-cert. With a three-legged dog.

THE KILLER SNAKES (sau saai sau; she sha shou) (1972 HK) D: KUEI CHIH-HUANG W: I. KUANG P; RUNME SHAW The hit WILLARD inspired William Grefe’s snake movie STANLEY (1972), and this sleazier Shaw Bros release. A bullied, introverted city kid lives in a dirty shack and befriends a snake. He slowly accumulates more and more of them and sets them loose on his oppressors. It’s got street-level atmosphere to burn, but like the director’s previous THE BAMBOO HOUSE OF DOLLS, it’s a disappointment after all of the hype. The best part doesn’t involve snakes, but two lizards advancing on a tied-up naked woman. With Maggie Lee Lam Lam, Wong Ching Ho, Li Min Lang, Kok Lee Yan and Gam Gwan.

KILLER SNOWMAN See: JACK FROST

THE KILLER’S PLAYGROUND See: WOULD YOU KILL A CHILD?

KILLERS THREE (1968 US) D: BRUCE KESSLER W: MICHAEL FISHER W/P: DICK CLARK Robert Walker runs booze for moonshiners down-south during Prohibition. He plots to rip-off his employers, fool the police and escape to California with wife Diane Varsi and unhinged alcoholic accomplice Dick Clark. They also try to blow up a safe, but it goes wrong and they kill a cop instead. Pretty good, violent BONNIE AND CLYDE inspired backwoods chase movie, with a surprising homosexual gag (“you’re a couple of homo-sapiens”). With Bonnie Owens, John “Bud” Cardos and Merle Haggard (who also sings on the appropriate country ballad soundtrack).

KILLER TOMATOES STRIKE BACK! (1990 US) D/W/P: JOHN DeBELLO W: CONSTANTINE DILLON/ RICK ROCKWELL P: J. STEPHEN PEACE Third entry in this pathetic series is no improvement. John Astin’s gleeful performance can’t save it either. Rick Rockwell stars, with John Witherspoon. Probably filmed back to back with part 4, KILLER TOMATOES EAT FRANCE.

THE KILLER WHALE See: ORCA, THE KILLER WHALE

KILL FACTOR See: DEATH DIMENSION

KILL HIM! (matalo!) (1970 ITL SPN) D: CESARE CANEVARI W: MINO ROLI/NINO DUCCI W/P: EDUARDO MAZANOS BROCHERO A trio of stagecoach robbers (including a woman) hide out in a dusty windswept ghost town. Unlucky wanderers become their hostages in this very odd, surreal western with a rock guitar soundtrack, that ends with the hero (Lou Castel) taking on the gun-toting villains with a boomerang! It’s not really consistently wild or good enough to be considered an essential cult classic, but is definitely worth a look for Eurowestern lovers. With Luis Davila, Claudia Gravy, Miguel Del Castillo, Bruno Brouchetti and Mirella Pamphili. Canevari (THE GESTAPO’S LAST ORGY, THE NUDE PRINCESS, IO EMMANUELLE) had already made one western rarity in 1964, PER UN DOLLARO A TUCSON S’MUORE.

THE KILLING (1956 US) D/W: STANLEY KUBRICK P: JAMES B. HARRIS This b/w stone-cold heistgone-wrong classic with DRAGNET-style narration is essential viewing. Sterling Hayden stars in the documentary style tale of a race-track robbery, but it’s Timothy Carey that steals the show as a horse-killing racist sniper. With femme-fatale Marie Windsor, Coleen Gray, Elisha Cook Jr. (who looks even more worried than usual), Joseph Sawyer, Jay C. Flippen, Vince Edwards, Ted De Corsia, Joseph Turkel, Dorothy Adams, James Griffith, Billy Benedict, Charles Cane, Robert Williams, Art Gilmore, Sol Gorss, Richard Reeves, Frank Richards and Joseph Turkel. Jim Thompson (who wrote Kubrick’s PATHS OF GLORY (1957), also with Carey) originally adapted this for the screen from Lionel White’s Clean Break, but is only credited with “original dialogue” (read the Thompson biography Savage Art for more on this).

KILLING BIRDS (dark eyes of the zombie; killer birds; raptors: gli uccelli assassini) (1987 ITL US) D/W: CLAUDE MILLIKEN D/P: CLAUDIO LATTANZI/ ARISTIDE MASSSCCESI W: “DANIEL ROSS” (DANIELE STROPPA)/SHEILA GOLDBERG Some college students go to a remote old house in Louisiana to record sightings of a near-extinct bird. They encounter zombies and violent death. Robert Vaughn experiences a career low as a blind man who records bird song. Senseless and sleep-inducing.

KILLING CARS See: THE CARS THAT ATE PARIS

KILLING DAYLIGHT See: ISLAND OF DEATH

THE KILLING HEAT See: FORTUNES OF WAR

KILLING IN YOSHIWARA (hero of the red light district; yoshiwara: the pleasure district; yoto monogatari: naha no yoshiwara hyaku nin giri) (1960 JPN) D: TOMU UCHIDA W: YOSHITAKA YODA An abandoned child with an unsightly birth mark on one side of his face grows up to become a successful, wealthy businessman with a textile factory, but no one to marry him (Chiezo Kataoka). On a visit to Edo (old Tokyo), he is smitten by an unladylike geisha-in-training (Yaeko Mizutani), the only woman in the Yoshiwara pleasure district who doesn’t seem to mind his deformity. Poor Kataoka misunderstands her militant desire to become a courtesan at all costs for real love, and her brothel owners don’t hesitate in exploiting his naïvety. Beautifully composed by the undervalued craftsman and storyteller Uchida, and exquisitely photographed (in colour) by Sadaji Yoshida, this is a first-class cinematic tragedy that deserves to be more widely recognised. With Isao Kimura, Minoru Chiaki, Masao Mishima and Toyo Takahashi.

KILLING MACHINE (goma-2; la maquina de matar) (1983 SPN MEX) D/W: José ANTONIO LOMA W/P: CARLOS VASALLO Despite the fact that I taped this off late-night tv to make sure I didn’t fall asleep during it, I still did due to extreme boredom. It’s an action movie about a truck driver and a demolition expert (Jorge Rivero) and that’s about all I remember. With Lee Van Cleef, Willie Aames, Richard Jaeckel, Hugo Stiglitz, Aldo Sambrell, Frank Brana and Melissa Sue Anderson. I think there were lots of explosions.

KILLING OF A CHINESE BOOKIE (1973) See: THE DYNAMITE BROTHERS

THE KILLING OF AMERICA (american violence; violence usa) (1982 US JPN) D: SHELDON KENAN W/P: LEONARD SCHRADER W: CHIEKO SCHRADER P: MATA YAMAMOTO Very well-done documentary looks at murder and death in America. A lot of bases are covered including assassinations, serial killers, police shoot-outs and war. Not exactly the most subjective of documentaries (its use of music and editing obviously has its own agenda), it’s great for well-shot death footage and does have a convincingly chilling anti-firearms message. The last-minute eulogy for John Lennon seems a bit pat, though. It was made for the Japanese market not long after the FACES OF DEATH movies were a hit there.

THE KILLING OF SATAN (1974 PHIL) D: EFREN C. PINON W: JOSÉ MARI AVELLANA P: PIO C. LEE The Prince of Magic wears a red jumpsuit, makes people’s heads spin around and his hypnotised followers emit death rays from their hands. A man reluctantly chosen by his dead uncle who dies in his place must travel to an island, defeat various obstacles and then do battle with the Prince and his boss…The Devil! Made on an obviously low budget, the filmmakers have gone out of their way to produce elaborate, fun FX that cynics will laugh at but those that appreciate fantasy cinema will find endearing and fun. I like the guy crushed by a runaway boulder the best, but there’s also a woman who takes a chunk out of a guy’s face before her chest explodes, a rotting corpse and a “snake man”. Our hero also ties a knot in a snake. With Paquito Diaz Pito and Elizabeth Oropesa. The director is best known for the Leo Fong movies BLIND RAGE and ENFORCER FROM DEATH ROW.

KILLING OF SILENCE See: LIGHTHOUSE

KILLING ZOE (1994 US FRA) D/W: ROGER AVARY P: SAMUEL HADIDA Eric Stoltz is an American safecracker who arrives in Paris to help crazed old friend Jean-Hughes Anglade rob a bank on Bastille Day. This violent movie with FX by Tom Savini is kind of interesting and entertaining, if a trifle overkill at times. Quentin Tarantino (an executive producer, along with Lawrence Bender and Don ILSA Edmunds) used to have Avary (a pal) work on his films. With Julie Delpy, Gary Kemp and Ron Jeremy. Scenes from NOSFERATU (the original) are intercut with a sex scene.

KILL ME AGAIN (1989 US) D/W: JOHN DAHL W: DAVID WARFIELD P: STEVE GOLIG/SIGURJON SIGHVATSSON/ DAVID WARFIELD Val Kilmer is a private eye who gets mixed-up with femme fatale Joanne Whalley-Kilmer (his wife in real-life at the time) who’s got a pile of the mob’s cash and wants to escape her psycho husband (Michael Madsen). Dahl’s debut attempt at neo-noir is ok, but too twisty-turny for its own good and doesn’t quite escape the derivative shadow. His next attempt RED ROCK WEST was much better. With Jonathan Gries, Bibi Besch and Michael Greene.

KILLPOINT (1983 US) D/W/P: FRANK HARRIS P: DIANE STEVENETT LA cop Leo Fong (an associate producer) uses martial arts against villainous gunrunners led by Cameron Mitchell (who’s fun). Richard Roundtree isn’t in it much as an FBI agent. It’s an awful debut film from a former tv news reporter (who also put Fong and Mitchell in his 1986 picture LOW BLOW). During a restaurant “massacre” scene, all we see being shot are dishes and decor. With Stack Pierece, Steve Adams, James Lew, Branscombe Richmond and country singer Carl Smith as the Coroner. From Crown International. [Illus.]

KILL THE IRISHMAN (bulletproof gangster) (2009 US) D/W: JONATHAN HENSLEIGH W: JEREMY WALTERS P: AL CORLEY/EUGENE MUSSO/TOMMY REID/ BART ROSENBLATT Ray Stevenson (from PUNISHER: WAR ZONE) is the real-life Danny Greene, a Cleveland longshore man who takes over as union leader, works for mobster John Nardi (Vincent D’Onofrio), goes into witness protection but doesn’t give anything to the cops, and works as a loan shark enforcer (I think, the all-over-the-place script goes so out of its way to whitewash the guy as an Irish patriot and early health freak that it sometimes loses sight of the story). There are clichés aplenty, and (without having read the book it’s based on, by Rick Porrello), I can already tell liberties have been taken with the facts. But that said, it’s an above average and pretty entertaining mob movie, and I like the historical context about the 1975 summer of bombings, and how the killing of “the Robin Hood of Collingwood” led to bigger knock-on consequences for the Youngstown mob, and further afield. It’s difficult to tell nowadays, but most of the archive vox pop footage appears to be genuine. Val Kilmer is a cop who narrates. With Christopher Walken, Paul Sorvino, Robert Davi, Vinnie Jones (whose accent seems to be from space), Linda Cardellini (Velma in the SCOOBY DOO movies), Tony Darrow, Fionnula Flanagan, Tony Lo Bianco, Bob Gunton, Jason Butler Harner, Laura Ramsey, Steve Schirripa (from THE SOPRANOS), Mike Starr and Vinny Vella. It was shot in Detroit.

KILL ZONE (1991 PHIL US) D/P: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO W: FREDERICK BAILEY/JONATHAN FERNANDEZ Let’s see… Santiago… made for Corman’s New Horizons… ’nam action movie… etc. Perfect formula for staying well away if you ask me, not even a David Carradine freak-out with a machine-gun makes it worth the watch. With Ken Metcalfe.

KIN DZA DZA (1986 SVU) D/W: GEORGI DANELIYA W: REVAZ GABRIADEZ Stanislav Lyubshim and Levan Gabriadez are talking to a seemingly crazy old hobo on the street one day, only to find themselves suddenly transported to an arid desert planet light years away. This twohour move takes place almost completely in the same wasteland location, and is pretty much alltalk, but is endlessly inventive comic sci-fi that’s often laugh-out-loud funny, and never less than charming. Yevgeni Leonov and Yuri Yakovlev are the two bizarre alien scavengers that they meet, who try to acquaint them with the local customs. Director Daneliya (working as such since the 50s) also appears as Abradox from Alpha. The nearest comparison I can think of (which isn’t really very near at all) would be Douglas Adams’ THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY. The few FX that there are are very well done.

THE KING APE See: A*P*E

KING BOXER See: FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH

KING COBRA (1993) See: VIPER (1993)

KING COBRA (1998 US) D/W/P: DAVID & SCOTT HILLENBRAND A giant genetic crossbreed of cobra and rattlesnake escapes from a research laboratory after an explosion and kills people in Fillmore during a beer festival. The snake FX by the Chiodo Bros are very good but the rest of this ANACONDA cash-in is awful, with too many false scares. The cast includes Pat Morita, Erik Estrada, Catalina Larranaga and director Scott Hillenbrand (as Scott Brandon).

KING DINOSAUR (1955 US) D/W/P: BERT I. GORDON W: TOM GRIES W/P: AL ZIMBALIST Gordon’s debut feature (as director, he already produced SERPENT ISLAND in 54) is among his very worst. Four astronauts (two men and two women) travel to a new planet called Nova. They look at lots of nature stock footage before big crickets and a lizard (much seen footage from ONE MILLION B.C.) attack. There’s a big atomic explosion at the end. Sixty-three b/w mins of pure nonsense, perfect for late-night tv but mind-boggling to think people paid to see it in a theatre. William Bryant stars and Marvin Miller narrates the long intro. Gordon must have loved the crickets, as he followed up with BEGINNING OF THE END.

THE KINGDOM (riget; geister) (1994 DEN FRA GER SWE) D/W: LARS VON TRIER/MORTEN ARNFRED W: TOMAS GISLASON/NIELS VORSEL P: SVEN ABRAHAMSEN/PHILLIPE BOBER/PETER AALBAER JANSEN/OLE REIM/IB TARDINI This shot-on-video tv miniseries (running over four hours) is essential viewing. That a lot of strange things happen at a haunted hospital in Copenhagen is a crap way of conveying in words what is going on, but that’s all I’m prepared to say. You should check it out for yourself. It includes voodoo, cannibalism, a severed head, a ghost, a Down Syndrome Greek chorus and Udo Kier in one of his most memorable appearances. The episodes are The Unheavenly Host, The Kingdom Come, A Foreign Body and The Living Dead. With Ernst Hugo Jaregard, Kristen Rolffes, Holger Juul Hansen, Soren Pilmark, Baard Owe, Otto Brandenburg, Ghita Norby, Jens Okking and Von Trier.

THE KINGDOM 2 (riget 2) (1997 DEN FRA ITL GER SWE NOR) D/W: LARS VON TRIER D: MORTEN ARNFRED W: NIELS VORSEL Back to everyone’s favourite haunted hospital (the same cast members return). Like the original it’s dark, weird, shot-on-video and has lots of humour. It was released in two parts and runs around four-and-a-half hours. Udo Kier has a dual role as a mutant baby that grows to gigantic proportions and a demon ghost (with horns). With Anders Hove, illegal ambulance races and a psychic surgeon who eats tumours. Brilliant and “to be continued” (not to date). I wish they’d hurry up, I’m hungry for more of this. There was an American tv miniseries remake penned by Stephen King in 2004.

KINGDOM IN THE SAND See: THE CONQUEROR OF ATLANTIS

KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS (1977 US) D: JOHN “BUD” CARDOS W: ALAN CAILLOU/RICHARD ROBINSON/ STEPHEN LODGE P: IGOR KANTAR W/P: JEFFREY M. SNELLER Tarantulas with a particularly deadly venom descend upon a small desert community en masse in this fun bug attack movie directed by a protégé of Al Adamson. William Shatner and Tiffany Bolling are the stars, with Woody Strode as a cattle farmer and Roy Engel. The final image is unexpected and memorable.

KING KONG (1933 US) D/P: MERIAN C. COOPER/ ERNEST B. SCHOEDSACK W: JAMES CREELMAN/ RUTH ROSE/EDGAR WALLACE THE classic monster movie (rivaled only by GODZILLA maybe) is just as entertaining as ever nowadays. Carl Denham (Robert Armstrong) is the showman movie director who takes wannabe starlet Ann Darrow (supercute original scream queen Fay Wray) to uncharted Skull Island where natives (led by Noble Johnson) prepare brides for Kong (ahead-of-their-time Willis O’Brien stop-motion FX). As you know, the scary yet sympathetic ape (who protects Wray from many dinosaurs) ends up as “the eighth wonder of the world” on Broadway where he escapes, menaces elevated trains and climbs the Empire State Building. Bruce Cabot is the hero and Max Steiner provides the excellent musical score. Armstrong’s character is probably modelled after Cooper and Schoedack, who used to make documentaries (they also made THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME, which is where you might have seen the sets before). With Frank Reicher, Sam Hardy, James Flavine, Steve Clemente, Roscoe Ates, Reginald Barlow, Harry Bowen, Lynton Brent, Dick Curtis, Dorothy Gulliver, Ethan Leidlaw, Vera Lewis, George McQuarrie, Frank Mills, LeRoy Mason, Etta McDaniel, Gil Perkins, Paul Porcasi, Russ Powell, Charles Sullivan, Harry Tenbrook, Ray Turner and Blackie Whiteford. It was shot by Edward Linden, J.O. Taylor, Vernon L. Walker and Kenneth Peach. The b/w RKO logo has never looked so good (in fact the film saved the studio from bankruptcy). The legendary spider pit sequence, that apparently upset patrons so much during preview screenings that the pace never recovered, was cut out and has been lost to the ages. Or, as some claim, it was never filmed (Peter Jackson included his version in the 2005 remake). Either way, every April Fool’s Day, the announcement on some film blog somewhere that it has been found runs second in predictability only to the alleged discovery of a print of LONDON AFTER MIDNIGHT (1927). More curiously, on the subject of lost films, two KONG rip-offs were made in Japan during the 30s. I’d love for those to turn up. Fingers crossed! SON OF KONG was the rushed sequel.

KING KONG (1976 US) D: JOHN GUILLERMIN W: LORENZO SEMPLE JR. P: DINO DE LAURENTIIS Laurentiis’ big-budget remake disaster is as bad as you’ve heard and is in no need of re-evaluation. It sucks. Jeff Bridges and Jessica Lange star, and the Carlo Rambaldi FX ape climbs the World Trade Center. With Charles Grodin, Rene Auberjonois, John Randolph, Julius W. Harris, Ed Lauter, Corbin Bernsen, Joe Piscopo, Jack O’Halloran, Kelly Nichols and John Agar. That’s Rick Baker (who provided some makeup) inside the monkey suit. Someone cashedin by opening an Agar’s Land of Kong theme park (!), which I would have loved to have visited. KING KONG LIVES! followed. Peter Jackson delivered a pretty good CGI-heavy major remake in 2005.

KING KONG ESCAPES! (king kong no gyakushu) (1967 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: “KAORU MOBUCHI” (TAKESHI KIMURA) P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA/ AKIRA TAKARADA/TORU IBUKI Hideo Amamoto (as Dr. Who) and Mie Hama are unscrupulous villains mining for radioactive materials on a remote island. Their evil team has created a robot replica of King Kong (!) to help dig. When the machine seems to break down, they kidnap the real Kong and hypnotise him into doing the work!! American actors Rhodes Reason and Linda Miller are Kong’s friends who come to the rescue. This ridiculous sequel to KING KONG VS. GODZILLA is not as much fun as its predecessor, but how can you resist a Kong v. Mecha Kong film? It was Toho studios’ 35th anniversary production and they utilised some FX used way back in the RKO classic KING KONG.

KING KONG LIVES! (1986 US) D: JOHN GULLERMIN W: STEVEN PRESSFIELD/RONALD SHUSETT P: MARTHA SCHUMACHER Kong undergoes heart surgery (a cool scene) after falling off the World Trade Center in the 76 remake. A female Kong is discovered to give him a blood transfusion. It’s not good. With Linda Hamilton, Brian Kerwin, John Ashton, Mike Starr and the inevitable baby Kong. Carlo Rambaldi did the FX.

KING KONG’S SON See: BIGFOOT

KING KONG VS. GODZILLA (king kong tai gojira) (1962 JPN) D: ISHIRO HIONDA W: SHINICHI SEKIZAWA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA The third Godzilla movie, and the first to display scenes of camp and silliness. When King Kong breaks out of captivity (you know the story), he’s floated by big balloons attached to his arms and legs and pulled by a helicopter (a memorable sight) until he’s dropped on an island with Gojira. Their fight is interrupted by an earthquake and they’re both tossed into the sea. With Tadao Takashima, Mie Hama, Yu Fujiki, Kenji Sahara, Ichiro Arishima, Jun Tazaki, Akihiro Hirata, Akiko Wakabayashi, Akemi Negishi, Sachio Sakai, Nadao Kirino, Shin Otoma, Yoshio Kosugi, Yoshifumi Tajima, Ikio Sawamura, Ren Amamoto, Shoichi Hirose and Karuo Nakajima. An English-language version has inserts directed by Thomas Montgomery. Godzilla was back in GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA, while King Kong returned in the less entertaining KING KONG ESCAPES!

KING OF ASSASSINS See: THE HITMAN (1998)

THE KING OF COMEDY (1981 US) D: MARTIN SCORSESE W: PAUL D. ZIMMERMAN P: ARNON MILCHAN Robert DeNiro is at his best as Rupert Pupkin, a wannabe stand-up comic living with his mom who kidnaps his idol Jerry Langford (Jerry Lewis pretty much being himself) for a ransom of tv airtime. Classic black comedy look at the price of fame was unreleased for a couple of years and took a while to gain its reputation, but is now justifiably considered one of Scorsese’s best. With Sandra Bernhard as an unhinged accomplice, Ed Herlihy, Shelley Hack, Tony Randall, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Victor Borge, The Clash, Fred De Cordova, Liza Minnelli, Tony Devon, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio as an extra and Scorsese and his mom. Zimmerman later wrote the screenplay adaptation for CONSUMING PASSIONS (1988).

KING OF HARLEY See: FIXING THE SHADOW

KING OF KONG ISLAND (kong island; jungle 2000; eve, la venere selvaggia) (1968 ITL SPN) D: “ROBERT MORRIS” (ROBERTO MAURI) W/P: RALPH ZUCKER P: “WALTER BRANDI” (MARIO PUPILO) Dick Randall released this with a pretty deceptive title. There is no king, not the Kong you expect, and it’s not even set on an island! It is set in Nairobi, where mercenary Brad Harris (an Italian muscleman movie veteran) is looking for revenge after his former partner (Marc Lawrence) double-crossed and shot him. Lawrence is busy in his cave laboratory, operating on men-in-gorilla-suits, turning them them into “robots” that do his bidding. They kidnap Harris’ friend’s daughter while on safari, and Harris comes to the rescue (after he makes sure he’s getting paid, in a strange instance of adding cynical grit to what’s essentially an update of a 40s jungle adventure from Monogram or PRC). He also meets a topless female Tarzan-type who doesn’t talk. Full well knowing that I shouldn’t have, I really enjoyed this stupid film. You might too. Mauri directed Pupilo in SLAUGHTER OF THE VAMPIRES, and Zucker backed THE BLOODY PIT OF HORROR.

KING OF NEW YORK (1989 US ITL) D: ABEL FERRARA W: NICHOLAS ST. JOHN P: AUGUSTO CAMINITO/ MARY KANE One of Ferrara’s best and slickest (and as close to a hit as he’s got since THE DRILLER KILLER) stars Christopher Walken as a gangster who gets out of prison and ruthlessly sets himself up as the title entity. Becoming a folk hero in the process gives this superior action movie an extra socio-politcal angle laced with Ferrara’s believable, subtle grittiness. With Larry Fishburne, David Caruso, Wesley Snipes, Vic Argo, Giancarlo Esposito, Steve Buscemi, James Lorinz, Zoe Tameralis (Lund), Ariane, Paul Calderon, Theresa Randle, Robert La Sardo, Harold Perrineau Jr. and a clip from the original NOSFERATU.

KING OF THE ANTS (king of violence) (2003 US) D: STUART GORDON W: CHARLIE HIGSON P: DUFFY HECHT/DAVID MICHAEL LATT George Wendt is an electrician who introduces directionless young house painter Chris C. McKenna to his boss Daniel Baldwin. Baldwin hires him to follow a man (Ron Livingston), and then asks him to kill him (not in a way you might expect). McKenna tries threatening Baldwin and Co when they don’t pay up, and finds himself locked in a shack in the middle of nowhere having his head pummeled with a golf club to make him crazy (a pretty intense torture scene). McKenna manages to escape and moves in with the dead Livingston’s careworker widow (Kari Wuhrer) and her daughter. Higson’s adaptation of his own novel begins good and intriguing, but loses its vitality when it turns into just another revenge movie, and McKenna is not convincing in the latter parts as a stone-hearted avenger. I was most impressed by John Martigan’s grisly and convincing gore FX, which keep you interested during the disappointing second half. Overall a missed opportunity, but an engaging and half-good one. With Vernon Wells and an obvious flaming stuntman double. Brit Higson is most well-known for his UK tv comedy work, and he used to be in the band The Higsons (I Don’t Want To Live With Monkeys).

THE KING OF THE KICKBOXERS (karate tiger 4; no retreat, no surrender 4) (1991 HK US) D: LUCAS LOWE W/P: KEITH W. STRANDBERG W: JOHN KAY (uncredited) Angry police captain Richard Jaeckel sends undercover cop Loren Avedon to Bangkok to expose a snuff movie racket in which promising young martial arts fighters are beaten to death by tough Billy Blanks (“looks like a Bruce Lee movie without Bruce”). It becomes a mission of vengeance when Avedon realises that Blanks murdered his brother a decade earlier. He studies with a drunken hermit (training scenes) and falls in love with Sherrie Rose (who has topless scenes). Don Stroud acts pretty weird as his contact in Thailand. Ng See Yuen was the executive producer of this watchable, violent nonsense. My favourite part is when some ‘tough’ drug-dealing gangsters accept a business associate and exclaim “you can hang with us anytime”.

KING OF THE KICKBOXERS 2 See: AMERICAN SHAOLIN

KING OF THE ROCKET MEN (1949 US) D: FRED BANNON W: ROYAL COLE/WILLIAM LIVELY/SOL SHORE This 12-chapter classic is the original flying jetpack hero cliffhanger serial and is just so much fun. Tristram Coffin stars, wearing the coolest of the cool helmet and jetpack (with a real easy to use control panel). With Mae Clark, I. Stanford Jolley as Dr. Vulcan, Dave Sharpe, Tom Steele, Eddie Parker, Don Haggerty, House Peters Jr., James Craven, Douglas Evans, Ted Adams, Stanley Price, Dale Van Sickel, Frank O’Connor, Buddy Roosevelt, Art Gilmore, Carey Loftin, Jack O’Shea and Bud Wolfe. Oft-used footage from DELUGE can also be seen. The feature version (condensed) is called LOST PLANET AIRMEN. Serials that followed with the same premise (not to mention props and sets and footage) include FLYING DISC MAN FROM MARS (1950), RADAR MEN FROM THE MOON (1952) and ZOMBIES OF THE STRATOSPHERE.

KING OF THE STALLIONS See: CODE OF THE REDMAN

KING OF THE VAMPIRE See: DRACULA (2002)

KING OF THE ZOMBIES (1941 US) D: JEAN YARBROUGH W: EDMOND KELSO P: LINDSLEY PARSONS John Archer, his black servant (Mantan Moreland) and pilot Dick Purcell (soon to be the star of the 1944 CAPTAIN AMERICA serial) crash-land their plane on a remote island. It’s run by Henry Victor (Hercules the strongman in FREAKS), who denies the existence of zombies as well as the presence of a radio transmitter on the island. It turns out that there are “zombies” (hypnotised into believing they’re dead by Victor), and that Victor is a Nazi sympathiser trying to extract secrets from a missing Guy Usher, and transmit them to the Germans. Fairly routine 67 mins b/w war propaganda spooker, but Moreland fans should see it for his very funny performance that definitely does not fit the subservient yesssa black stereotype of the time. With Madame Sul-te-Wan and Joan Woodbury. Yarbrough made THE DEVIL BAT the same year, and KING was followed by REVENGE OF THE ZOMBIES in a couple of years. From Monogram.

KING OF VIOLENCE See: KING OF THE ANTS

THE KINGS OF KUNG FU See: SHAOLIN DAREDEVILS

KING SOLOMON’S MINES (1985 US) D: J. LEE THOMPSON W: GENE QUINTANO/JAMES R. SILKE P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS Really bad Cannon copy of Indiana Jones flicks with Richard Chamberlain as H. Rider Haggard’s Allan Quatermain, helping Sharon Stone look for her kidnapped father and the legendary diamond mine. They call the locals things like “towel-headed creep” and “camel jockey” but Herbert Lom and John-Rhys Davies are the fun villains. With Ken Gampu. ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD followed.

KING’S RANSOM See: THE DESTROYERS (1985)

KINSKI PAGANINI See: PAGANINI

THE KISS (1988 CAN) D/P: PEN DENSHAM W: STEPHEN VOLK/TOM ROPELOWSKI P: JOHN WATSON/ RICHARD BARTON LEWIS Meredith Salenger is a teenage girl whose mother is killed (her leg falls off) when a pick-up truck ploughs into her. Joanna Pacula is a mysterious model aunt who seduces the father to take the woman’s place. But only Salenger realises that Pacula is some kind of witch who can maybe turn into a scruffy killer cat. A prologue doesn’t help explain much so it’s all pretty senseless. The only parts I liked were the death by escalator scene and a clip of Marlene Dietrich in a gorilla suit (from 1932’s BLONDE VENUS). Chris Walas provided FX. Volk also wrote Ken Russell’s GOTHIC (1986) and William Friedkin’s THE GUARDIAN.

KISS AND KILL See: THE BLOOD OF FU MANCHU

KISS DADDY GOODNIGHT (1987 US) D/W: PETER ILY HUEMER W: MICHAEL GABRIELI P: MAUREEN O’BRIEN/WILLIAM RIPKA Uma Thurman has her first starring role in this dull, pretentious Manhattan drama/thriller as a cokehead hustler who gets more than she bargains for when she leads a wealthy older man on. With Matt Dillon’s older lookalike brother Paul, Steve Buscemi, Annabelle Gurwitch and Arto Lindsay.

KISSED (1996 CAN) D/W/P: LYNNE STOPKEWICH W: ANGUS FRASER P: DEAN ENGLISH Molly Parker (who’s very good) stars as a young woman obsessed with death since she was a little girl and “crosses over” while having sex with corpses at the funeral parlour she works at. This arthouse look at necrophilia (think about the complete opposite of Nacho Cerda’s AFTERMATH) concentrates on her relationship with a strange young man fascinated with her after-dark activity, It’s pretty interesting. Based on a story by Barbara Gowdy. With Peter Outerbridge and Jay Brazeau.

KISS ME DEADLY (1955 US) D/P: ROBERT ALDRICH W: I.A. BEZZERIDES Apparently Mickey Spillane didn’t much like it, but this is the best screen adaptation of a Mike Hammer novel ever, and one of Aldrich’s finest. Ralph Meeker stars as the tough anti-hero private detective who picks up fleeing asylum runaway Cloris Leachman running down a deserted highway at night. This sets off a serpentine investigation and the tracking of an unknown McGuffin. Hard, cynical and more b/w noir “fun” than you can handle, this is a personal favourite to be watched again and again. With Albert Dekker, Jack Elam, Strother Martin, Marjorie Bennett, Fortunio Bonanova, Jack Lambert, Percy Helton, James Seay, John George and Leonard Mudie. Both REPO MAN and PULP FICTION have overt references to this classic.

KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK (attack of the phantoms) (1978 US) D: GORDON HESSLER W: JAN-MICHAEL SHERMAN/DON BUDAY P: TERRY MORSE JR. Rock sensation KISS are about to play a big sell-out gig at an automated amusement park where a crazed Anthony Zerbe controls robots from his underground lab/control room. When he’s not busy fiddling with “bodyparts” (man with head shoved through hole in table, that kind of thing), he’s creating evil KISS clones that piss off the fans by playing songs like Rip and Destroy. But the real KISS (who can fly, emit laser beams and breathe fire) save the day. This enjoyably silly tv movie (that was actually released theatrically outside the US) is considered a major embarrassment for KISS, which is why it’s so difficult to find nowadays. Worth seeing if you get the chance. With Brion James as a cop and Don Steele.

KISS ME, KILL ME See: BABA YAGA

KISS ME QUICK! (1964 US) D/P: PETER PERRY D: MAX GARDENS P: HARRY NOVAK An alien (Fred Coe imitating Stan Laurel) is sent to Earth to find the perfect female specimen to clone for use as servants. He materialises in the castle laboratory of Dr. Breedlove (director Gardens doing Peter Sellers’ DR. STRANGELOVE via Bela Lugosi), who’s busy trying to perfect the ideal submissive woman. He says “dance my little sex bombs” as they jiggle topless to cool rock instrumentals. Coe and Breedlove watch more women strip and frolic on a closed-circuit tv. Eventually Coe chooses a vending machine (and its topless instructor!). Very silly Novak release is lots of fun, with Frankenstein’s monster, Dracula, a Mummy and cornball comedy and innuendo galore. But the best thing is Breedlove’s hilarious facial tic/lisp thing. Laszlo Kovacs (!) was cinematographer and William Rostler (MANTIS IN LACE) was still photographer. It runs just over an hour.

KISS OF DEATH (1968) See: THE BLOOD OF FU MANCHU

KISS OF DEATH (1995 US) D/P: BARBET SCHROEDER W: RICHARD PRICE/ELEAZAR LIPSKY P: SUSAN HOFFMAN This gangster movie is based on the script for the original film-noir from 1947, as opposed to a remake of the film itself. The result is very different and very good. David Caruso is a retired gangster with wife (Helen Hunt) and child. He’s called upon one last time to help a friend drive a truck for a drug pick-up. When it all goes wrong he does jail time instead of turning evidence. While on the inside, Hunt is drugged and raped by a “friend” and she dies in a car crash. Caruso eventually turns evidence, but sets it up so his wife’s violator seems to be the rat. Nicolas Cage is the asthmatic son of a crimelord who beats him to death. Events take a twist from there, but I won’t spoil any surprises. With Samuel L. Jackson, Anthony Heald, Michael Rapaport, Ving Rhames, Stanley Tucci, Philip Baker Hall, Kathryn Erbe, Kevin Corrigan, Hope David, screenwriter Price and an uncredited Jay O. Sanders.

KISS OF EVIL See: KISS OF THE VAMPIRE

KISS OF THE BEAST See: MERIDIAN

KISS OF THE COBRA See: RATHER KISS A COBRA

KISS OF THE DRAGON (le basier mortal du dragon) (2001 US FRA) D: CHRIS NAHON W/P: LUC BESSON/ JET LI W: ROBERT MARK KAMEN P: STEVE CHASMAN/ HAPPY WALTERS When corrupt Parisian cop Tcheky Karyo assassinates someone he was supposed to be protecting, visiting Chinese policeman Jet Li is ideal to take the fall for it. He also protects a clichéd hooker with a heart of gold (Bridget Fonda) whose child is in Karyo’s custody. It’s a dumb story with a slick, flashy finish from a director known for his tv ads and music videos (the editing is a little overzealous). Cory Yuen Kwai’s fight choreography helps to fill the vacuous hole a little. With Burt Kwouk, Max Ryan, David Gabison and the effective use of pressure point needles.

KISS OF THE VAMPIRE (kiss of evil) (1963 UK) D: DON SHARP W/P: “JOHN ELDER” (ANTHONY HINDS) After his wife becomes part of a vampire cult in turn of the century Bavaria, a young man enlists the help of a Van Helsing type (Clifford Evans) to wipe them out. One of Hammer’s lesser known gems, this is a highly atmospheric, fast-paced little number that’s always a delight to catch on latenight tv. An American tv version swaps some of the bloodier scenes for (longer) tamer substitutes (with Carl Esmond and Virginia Gregg). With Brian Oulton.

KISS THE GIRLS (collector) (1997 US) D: GARY FLEDER W: DAVID KLASS P: DAVID BROWN/JOE WIZAN Someone called “the casanova” is kidnapping women and keeping them locked in an underground basement before raping and killing them. Morgan Freeman stars as a forensic psychologist from Washington whose niece has been taken in North Carolina. Ashley Judd is a woman who escaped. Nothing special, this is a solid, no-nonsense thriller that’s easily as good as something like THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (if a little predictable). With Cary Elwes, Tony Goldwyn, Bill Nunn, Brian Cox, Tracey Walter, Jay O. Sanders, Jeremy Piven, Tatyana Ali, Mena Suvari, Billy Blanks, Rick Warner, Larry Cedar, W. Earl Brown, Brian Brophy, Robert Peters and Joe Inscoe. Based on a novel by James Patterson. Fleder also directed the excellent THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU’RE DEAD.

KISS TOMORROW GOODBYE (2000 US) D: JASON PRIESTLEY W/P: OZZIE CHEEK P: ELLIOT LEWIS ROSENBLATT TV remake of MOONTIDE (1942) helmed by an ex-Beverly Hills 90210 cast member. Nicholas Lea stars as a successful Hollywood movie producer who thinks he killed a girl during a heavy, heady drinking session. Drifter Holt McCallany offers to get rid of the body and Lea is forever in this parasite’s debt. McCallany moves into his house, wears his suits, drives his car, deals in his business affairs and tries to get his girl (Kari Wuhrer). It’s nothing you haven’t seen before and the pumping dance soundtrack doesn’t help make it more exciting. With Jennifer Blanc, Daphne Duplaix, Taryn Manning, Steve Schimpa and Amy Webber. Baltimore and John Waters are discussed a lot.

KITE (1998 JPN ANIMATED) D/W: YASUOMI UMEBU A schoolgirl assassin kills with exploding bullets. She also has graphic sex scenes with her teacher. There’s more to the plot than that, but who cares? Graphic violence and kinky lolita fetish sex scenes are what carry this fun adult animation along. It was originally a two-part video release in Japan that ran 60 mins. A heavily edited 45 mins US release English dub was released. This review refers to a 50 mins German version (with English subtitles) that retains all the sex and violence. MEZZO FORTE followed the same year.

KITTEN WITH A WHIP (1964 US) D/W: DOUGLAS HEYES P: HARRY KELLER In one of the best and most enjoyable juvenile delinquent flicks, Ann-Margret plays a scheming, knockout runaway from a detention centre (that she burnt down) who ends up in the house of senator John Forsythe. He goes along with her blackmail to avoid a scandal and ends up helping her fugitive friends (including beatnik Peter Brown who says “cool it you creep, and co-exist”) cross over the border to Tijuana, Mexico. Pretty exciting throughout, Margret is great, as is the dialogue and Joseph F. Biroc’s b/w photography is excellent (and the soundtrack is outstanding in parts). With Richard Anderson, Ann Doran, and look for Doodles Weaver as Salty Sam. John Waters is said to be a fan. Based on a novel by “Wade Miller”.

KLA$H (1995 US) D/W: BILL PARKER P: KAROLYN ALI/CAROLYN PFEIFFER Awful thriller stars Giancarlo Esposito as a photojournalist in Jamaica who gets mixed-up with a femme fatale (Jasmine Guy) and a big money heist that takes part during an open-air music festival. Bob Marley’s daughter Cadella is a cop.

KNIFE FIGHTER See: HIGH ART

KNIGHT HUNTER See: STREET KNIGHT

THE KNIGHT OF THE DRAGON See: STAR KNIGHT

KNIGHTS (cyborg killer) (1993 US) D/W: ALBERT PYUN P: TOM KARNOWSKI Kickboxing Kathy Long and robot Kris Kristofferson hunt renegade cyborgs in a futuristic Utah desert. Unbelievably awful in a way only Pyun can manage, and there’s no ending. With Lance Henriksen, Gary Daniels, Tim Thomerson (briefly) and Nicholas Guest. I watched this after a heavy night’s drinking and whereas I survived countless crashes and tumbles on my bicycle on the way home without incident, this thing made me sick in the early hours of the morning.

K9 AND COMPANY (1981 UK) D: JOHN BLACK W: TERENCE DUDLEY P: JOHN NATHAN-TURNER This is a 49 mins tv spin-off from the DOCTOR WHO series. Elisabeth Sladen (who had been a WHO girl) receives a mysterious package which contains a robotic dog with a nuclear battery called K-9 (also familiar to WHO watchers). Together they solve some mystery involving a small village’s coven of witches. With Bill Frazer and a hilarious opening title sequence. Endure this and you’ll understand why it never became a series.

KNOCKABOUT (chap ga siu ji; za gu xiao zi) (1979 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG W: LAU TIN CHI P: RAYMOND CHOW Yuen Biao and Leung Kar Yan are a couple of scam artists who’ll try all manner of convoluted tricks to make quick cash. But things turn more serious when kung fu expert Lau Kar Wing fails to fall for one of their ruses and ends up beating Yan to death. Biao learns advanced martial arts techniques from beggar Sammo Hung in some great training scenes, and there’s a final reel revenge showdown. It’s another highly enjoyable slice of Hung entertainment (he also choreographed the action). With Karl Maka, Lee Hoi Sang, Mars, Lam Ching Ying, Lau Tin Chi, Wong Kwong Yue, Chung Faat, Peter Chan Lung, Yuen Tak, Ho Pak Kwong, Billy Chan, Yuen Miu, Cheung Wa and Yue Tau Wan.

KNOCKAROUND GUYS (1999 US) D/W/P: BRIAN KOPPELMAN/DAVID LEVIEN P: LAWRENCE BENDER Barry Pepper is the glorified delivery boy son of New York mobster legend Dennis Hopper, unable to go straight because of his feared family name and also unable to enter the family business with his father’s blessing. When he gets a chance to prove himself, Seth Green fucks up a delivery of cash in a small shithole town, so Pepper, Green, tough guy Vin Diesel and Andrew Davoli attempt to sort it out. Corrupt sheriff Tom Noonan makes it tough, so Hopper calls in the big guns (led by a mean John Malkovich). Not too bad, but all the leads feel like they’re playing at NYC gangster bad boys and never convince. Malkovich was much better in ROUNDERS, scripted by Koppelman and Levien. Noonan however is extremely good, and steals the show (shame he wasn’t in better movies). With Arthur J. Nascarella, Dov Tiefenbach, Josh Mostel, Mike Starr, Bruce McFee, Boyd Banks and Bender.

KNOCKING ON DEATH’S DOOR (1997 US) D: MITCH MARCUS W: CRAIG J. NEVIUS P: MARY ANN FISHER Newlywed parapsychologists Brian Bloom and Kimberely Rowe are sent to a haunted house in the country (it was filmed in Ireland) by their lecherous boss (John Doe) who had an affair with her. Their arguing (and sexual relationship) sets off major poltergeist activity from an autistic boy who died there. David Carradine is a kindly seeming local doctor and William Hickey is the local sheriff. Watchable but ultimately worthless and senseless release from executive producer Roger Corman’s New Concorde/New Horizons, which looks like it was filmed at the same house as THE DOORWAY.

KNOCK-OFF (1997 US HK) D: TSUI HARK W: STEVEN E. DeSOUZA P: NANSUN SHI Jean-Claude Van Damme and Rob Schneider are fashion designer partners in Hong Kong during the 1997 handover. Some Russians are placing small explosive devices in counterfeit clothes, shoes and toys. Sammo Hung (who also makes a brief, uncredited cameo) did the fight choreography which is naturally great, but Van Damme doesn’t have the precision, style and real agility to pull it off. Likewise the sometimes awesome action and stunts are interrupted by Van Damme and Scheinder’s irritating “comic” moments. I appreciate style in a movie, but did we really need a POV shot from Van Damme’s foot as he puts some trainers on! With Lela Rochon, Michael Fitzgerald-Wong, Paul Sorvino, Carmen Lee, Moses Chan, Mark Houghton, Dennis Chan, Leslie Cheung, Jude Poyer, Maria Codero, a dwarf and a bad Sean Connery impersonation.

KOLOBOS (haunted house) (1999 US) D/W: DANIEL LIATOWITSCH/DAVID TODD OCVIRK W/P: NNE EBONG P: DANA ALTMAN Five very different people (crap comedian, conceited actress, arty film student, loud girl and disturbed, quiet artist) answer an ad in the paper to be filmed 24-hours-a-day while sharing a big, luxurious house in the middle of nowhere. Unsurprisingly someone starts killing them off (in death scenes copied from Argento and Fulci) and tv sets flicker on with violent images being shown. It’s mostly a flashback from a hospital bed. This pretty senseless horror movie starts promisingly but quickly degenerates into a nonsensical waste of time. Amy Webber is the main lead and Linnea Quigley has a small part.

KOMODO (1999 US) D: MICHAEL LANTIERI W: HANS BAUER/CRAIG MITCHELL P: ALAN RICHE/ TONY LUDWIG Large killer komodo dragon lizards attack people on an island off North Carolina. It copies JURASSIC PARK and is very boring (but the John Cox Creature Workshop FX are quite good). Jill Hennessy stars, with Kevin Zegers. I’ve been to Komodo Island in Bali. It was much better.

KONG See: GRIM

KONGA (1961 UK) D: JOHN LEMONT W: ABEN KANDEL W/P: HERMAN COHEN One of several trashy UK productions for AIP (here via Anglo Amalgamated) overseen by Cohen (who has a cameo appearance). Michael Gough (delivering camp dialogue with real conviction, in one of his finest roles) is a botany professor who returns to civilisation after being lost in the African jungles of Uganda following a plane crash. He brings with him the roots of several carnivorous plants, and a chimp named Konga. A growth serum extracted from the plants causes Konga to grow to man-in-a-gorilla-suit size (a British stuntman in George Barrow’s familiar suit), and Gough orders him to kill rivals (including minor popstar Jess Conrad, because lecherous old Gough wants his girlfriend). Konga eventually grows to huge proportions (and one assumes has changed species of monkey!), stomping around awful miniatures before heading to Big Ben while carrying a Gough doll. But Konga doesn’t even climb it, and the military just shoot him dead. Highly amusing rubbish, and look for a young Steven Berkoff as a college student. Shot in SpectaMation!

KONG ISLAND See: KING OF KONG ISLAND

KONTRA BANDIDO (1986 PHIL) D/W: J. ERASTEO NAVOA W: RUBEN DE GUZMAN Unbelievably boring and uneventful “action” movie stars some teenage kid who learns martial arts and defeats some thugs with the help of friends. With an awful, over-camp gay stereotype character.

KOUNTERFEIT (money crash) (1996 US) D: JOHN MALLORY ASHER W: JAY IRWIN/DAVID CHASE/KATHERINE FUGATE P: RANDY JAMES/MILES LEVY/KEN JACOBSON Hilary Swank (THE NEXT KARATE KID) and Bruce Payne (PASSENGER 57) try to find out who killed her cop brother in this awful comedy thriller. With Michael Gross, Corbin Bernsen, Doug McKeon, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Ben Foster, Griffin Drew, Irwin and former Miss Arkansas and Miss America (1982) Elizabeth Gracen who had new-found fame when she admitted to fucking President Clinton when he was the Arkansas Governor.

KRAI THONG (legend of the crocodile; alligator) (2001 THAI) D: SUTHAT INTARANUPAKORN A mythical giant crocodile (a computer FX creation) terrorises a rural community in this forgettable fantasy. Winai Kraibutr (from NANG NAK) is the young hero. May be of more interest to those unfamiliar with the Thai legend (the basis for earlier killer croc films).

THE KRAYS (the kray twins) (1989 UK) D: PETER MEDAK W: PHILIP RIDLEY P: DOMINIC ANCIANO/ RAY BURDIS Gary and Martin Kemp (of 80s pop twins Spandau Ballet fame) are Ronnie and Reggie Kray, the notorious London gangsters, in this curious, enjoyable take on their legend from the Hungarianborn director of THE CHANGELING. Billie Whitelaw is their beloved mother, a tough, doting figure who raises them (in Bethnal Green) through the blitz of WWII, along with neighbour “Auntie Rose” (Susan Fleetwood), while the father figures (including Jimmy Jewel as former boxer grandad Cannonball Lee) are portrayed as ineffectual layabouts. When we get to the 60s, we don’t really see much about the firm, and the ins-and-outs of the crime world, concentrating more on Ronnie’s gay relationships and Reggie’s doomed marriage to overwhelmed wife Kate Hardie. It climaxes with the murder of Jack “The Hat” McVittie (Tom Bell). Whereas on the one hand I would welcome a more accurate, realistic and less sensational biopic, this stylised and sometimes cartoonish crime drama is very good, a bit Brian DePalma, and not quite good enough to be dubbed a less epic Once Upon A Time In The UK. Worth a look, despite some of the very poor performances. With a scenery chewing Steven Berkoff, Michael Elphick, Sadie Frost, Michael Balfour, Norman Rossington, Victor Spinetti, Vernon Dobtcheff, Murray Melvin (from THE DEVILS) as a newsagent, Gary Love, and best of all, Stephen Lewis acting just like Blakey from ON THE BUSES! Look fast for bits from real underworld figures Lenny McLean, Ted Berg and David Courtney. Someone plays Judy Garland. The score is by Michael Kamen. Medak made a different crime and punishment UK movie next, LET HIM HAVE IT (1991). Novelist Ridley directed THE REFLECTING SKIN (1990). May I suggest watching THE KRAYS on a double bill with Alexei Sayle’s hilarious COMIC STRIP PRESENTS entry, DIDN’T YOU KILL MY BROTHER? (1988).

KRONOS (1973) See: CAPTAIN KRONOS, VAMPIRE HUNTER

KRUG & COMPANY See: THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972)

KUNG FU (1972 US) D/P: JERRY THORPE W: HOWARD FRIEDLANDER/ED SPIELMAN Bruce Lee was one of the co-creators for a North American tv series about a wandering Shaolin monk in the old American west. He was also set to star until the tv executives got cold feet about putting a Chinese actor in a potential hit series, so hired David Carradine instead. This is the pilot feature episode for the enormously popular series that lasted until 1975. The plot involves the mistreatment of immigrant Chinese labourers working on a railroad, and establishes that Carradine was a hunted man. It was above average tv entertainment, but overzealous nostalgia may have blown it out of proportion, meaning you’ll be disappointed today if you expect something special. With Barry Sullivan, Albert Salmi, Beson Fong, Richard Loo, Keye Luke, Philip Ahn, Victor Sen Yung, Robert Ito, James Hong, Roy Jenson and Keith Carradine. In 1986, KUNG FU: THE MOVIE failed to score Carradine a series revival, but he did eventually return in KUNG FU: THE LEGEND CONTINUES from 1993–1997. Previous to that Brandon Lee starred in another failed pilot in 1987 called KUNG FU: THE NEXT GENERATION (incidentally he had also co-starred in the 86 attempt, too).

KUNG FU (2004) See: KUNG FU HUSTLE

KUNG FU ACE See: FIGHTING ACE

KUNG FU CANNIBALS See: WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU

KUNG FU COMMANDOES See: INCREDIBLE KUNG FU MISSION

THE KUNG FU CULT MASTER (kung fu cult hero; kung fu master; the evil cult; lord of the wu tang; ken ting tiu liang gei ji moh gaau gaau chu; yi tian tu long ji shi mo jiao jiao shu) (1993 HK) D/W: WONG JING P: LEE YEUNG CHUNG This adaption of a sprawling, epic Louis Cha novel tries to fit way too much into its brief running time and ends up all over the place, making little sense to anyone who isn’t familiar with Cha’s work. The plot has something to do with a husband and wife warring over a couple of powerful gold swords (I think). Fans of new wave Hong Kong action will watch it for the few great set pieces that shine through, Sammo Hung’s wireworkheavy fight choreography and the cast. Jet Li stars, with Chingmay Yau, Sammo, Sharla Cheung Man, Gigi Lai Chai, Ekin Cheng, Man Cheung, John Ching, Paul Chu, Lam Ching Ying, Leung Kar Yan, Richard Ng and Francis Ng.

THE KUNG FU EMPEROR (ninja the kung fu emperor; emperor of kung fu; gong fu huang di; gung foo wong dai) (1981 HK) D: BAAU HOK LAI W: CHINA SHU MEI/I. KUANG P: KOU FEI Despite being the Fourth Prince of the Qing dynasty, pacifist Ti Lung (who’s also a closet kung fu expert) joins some Ming loyalists and decides to fight for the throne himself. Chan Sing’s corrupt politician is the villainous antithesis of Lung’s liberal ideals of equality. It’s a bit slow to begin with but picks up towards the end and is fairly engaging with some nice touches. With Tan Tao Liang, Bruce Lai, Wong Ching, Lo Wei and Si Si. Chan Pon Chu was the choreographer.

KUNG FU EXECUTIONER (sau chi aau chut; shou zhi niu chu) (1980 HK) D/W: LIN CHAN WEI P: PAL MING Billy Chong returns from his studies abroad to find his father’s shipping business is being leaned on by gangsters to smuggle opium for them. Of course dad refuses, ends up dead and it’s up to Chong (former Indonesian popstar Willy Dohzan) and Carl Scott (the two were previously teamed in HARD WAY TO DIE) to take revenge. Unexceptional but entertaining kung fu caper is more-or-less wall-to-wall action, and some of the fight scenes are excellent. Chan Sing is the main escaped con/gang boss villain. I think it’s supposed to be set in the 1930s, but the period detail is way off, but no matter. With Miu Tin, Kong Do and some woman provides nudity with a shower scene.

KUNG FU FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE (aau gei; yin ji) (1982 HK) D: LEE CHIU W: LIU FUNG P: PAL MING Billy Chong stars in this very entertaining mix of martial arts, horror and fantasy. There’s zombies/ hopping vampires/ghosts, long-tongued wizards (like in THE SHAOLIN INVINCIBLES) and even an appearance from Dracula (played by a white guy). Lo Lieh is the main villain, with Alan Chui Chung San, Dai Sai An, Fong Min and Ouyang Shafei. Choreography by Chui Jong Shinn and Sung Kam Shing. Chong was also in the similar, more well-known KUNG FU ZOMBIE. But this one’s better.

KUNG FU GENIUS (tin choi gung foo; tian cai gong fu) (1979 HK) D: WILSON TONG W: CHEUNG SAM P: ALEX GOUW Tong’s directorial debut is an underrated kung fu gem. Cliff Lok stars as a self proclaimed “genius” who opens his own martial arts school. He goes head to head against members of a rival school and then some more ruthless fighters led by Lee Hoi Sang who protect the local brothel. They call in Tong (who fights with a fan) for the final showdown. The choreography (also by Tong) is first-rate and covers a range of styles and weapons (including iron hoop vs wooden staff and the hilarious duck style!). With Hsiao Ho, Peter Chan Lung, Ging Chue, Cheng Hong Yip and Tsang Choh Lam. Screenwriter Sam made SNAKE IN THE MONKEY’S SHADOW.

KUNG FU HUSTLE (kung-fusion; crazy kung fu; kung fu; gong fu) (2004 HK CHN) D/W/P: STEPHEN CHOW W: TSANG KAN-CHEUNG/CHAN MANG KEUNG/LOLA HUO XIN P: YANG BU TING/WANG CHUNG JUN In what looks like 1930s Shanghai, a small tenement community (loud, fat Kan Chia Tong is the mean landlady) is terrorised by the Axe Gang mobsters. Stephen Chow is an underling with a good heart desperately trying to be bad and tough. However, among the ragtag lodgers’ numbers are a few elderly martial arts masters (including Tong Herself, and her husband played by Yuen Hua) who reluctantly fight back. In Chow’s hypercartoonish follow up to the megahit SHAOLIN SOCCER, comedy, clichéd pathos and incredible, digitally enhanced fight choreography (by Yuen Woo Ping) blend to create perfect popcorn entertainment. Slightly dodgy FX detract from a few scenes, but for the most part it’s easy (nay, delightful) to immerse yourself in its live-action comic-strip world of Earth-shaking mortal combat. With Bruce Leung, Chan Kwok, Danny Chan and Lam Tze Chung.

KUNG FU INFERNO (the avenger; the strongest justice; jiang zhong shou; keung chung sau) (1973 TAI) D: CHAN HUNG-MAN W: SE YEN P: SUNG SANG LUNG (? — credits on washed-out VHS print difficult to read) Bad guys led by Chan Wai-Lau use force to takeover a family-owned lumberyard (or “wood factory” as the poor English dub has it). His main henchman is the big cigar-smoking Tin Yau, who killed his kung fu teacher and shamed the school. Good guy fellow pupil Yasuaki Kurata takes him on to save honour. Threadbare, forgettable programmeral, although basher completists will likely enjoy watching Kurata duke it out with Yau. With Cho Kin, Shaw Luo-Hui, Man Man, Han Chiang, Wong Fei-Lung, Cheung Yee-Kwei and stolen snatches of Vangelis’ BLADE RUNNDER score!

KUNG FU INVADERS (1973) See: BLOOD BROTHERS

KUNG FU INVADERS (1974) See: HEROES TWO

KUNG FU KIDS See: FISTS OF DRAGONS

KUNG FU KILLERS See: TWO ASSASSINS IN THE DARKNESS

KUNG FU MASTER See: THE KUNG FU CULT MASTER

KUNG FU MAN See: THE INSTANT KUNG FU MAN

KUNG FU MASTER NAMED DRUNK CAT (chui maau bye foo; zui mao mao shi fu) (1978 HK) D: CHEUNG SAM P: ALEX GOUW Director Sam and production house Goldig films are known for churning out solid no-frills kung fu favourites, but his modern-day tale of John Cheung, Sharon Yeung and kung fu teacher Yuen Siu Tien fighting gangsters with diamonds smuggled in candy is mostly uneventful and lacklustre. The best part is Frankie Chan’s pretty cool intro music. With Dady Yi, Johnny Cheung Wa, Yue Tau Wan (the Elvis of cross-eyed comic relief buffoons), Ho Pak Kwong, that ugly giant and dwarf duo seen in THE PRIVATE EYES and choreography from Liu Hok Ming.

KUNG FU OF EIGHT DRUNKARDS (chui baat sin kuen; zui ba xian quan) (1980 HK) D: WU MA W: HSIANG MEI LUNG P: SHUAI YO FENG/CHENG WU YUNG Mang Fei stars as a young fighter who must battle troublemaking villains with a grudge against his drunken kung fu teacher. If you don’t expect anything more than straight, typical old-school kung fu, this one’s enjoyable enough. The final face-off is between Fei and a couple of silver and gold haired fighters, and then Chan Sing. Choreography by Chen Mu Chuan. With Wu Ma, Lung Fei, O Yau Man, Ma Cheung, Shih Ting Ken, Cheng Fu Hung, a dwarf and that same rendition of Old Dixie on the soundtrack as in THE INSTANT KUNG FU MAN.

KUNG FU ON SALE (gung foo daai paak; gong fu da bo) (1979 TAI) D: SU CHEN PING W: LAU CHUN P: CHEN YAO T___ (extreme widescreen cut off by a pan-and-scan print)/CHAN MAN This is the only film directed by martial arts acting regular Ping (who has a major role here). This is probably just as well. When Dean Shek is the most competent martial artist on-screen for the majority of the running time you know you’re in trouble. Good for a few laughs (like when the Hawaii 5-0 theme bursts onto the soundtrack as the lead performs his pathetic arse-punch style), it suddenly gets into some good fighting at the very end. Completists might want to endure it. With Chiang Han, Cheng Fu Hung, Choi Wang and Lee Kwan.

KUNG-FUSION See: KUNG FU HUSTLE

KUNG FU: THE INVINCIBLE FIST (dragon and tiger ways; invincible iron fist; kung fu: the invisible fist; ruthless iron hand; the good and the bad; tiger vs dragon; ng foo kwong lung; e hu kuang long) (1973 HK S.KOR) D: NG SEE YUEN W: I. KUANG P: JIMMY L. PA______? (butched widescreen in pan and scan print) As far as I can tell, the underrated, supercool Chan Sing’s job is to root out a Japanese spy (Yasuaki Kurata in an early role) and prevent him from learning the Red Army’s secrets. There’s also dock worker fights over money disputes and outside interference to confuse matters. If you are prepared for a hodgepodge of styles and philosophies that snipe at each other ‘til the end then you’re maybe halfway prepared. Is it good? Is it bad? I don’t care any more, but it is quite a ride for those inclined. Note: I think I was very, very drunk and medicated when I wrote this review. I’ll have to watch it again one day.

KUNG FU: THE INVISIBLE FIST See: KUNG FU: THE INVINCIBLE FIST

KUNG FU: THE PUNCH OF DEATH (prodigal boxer; kick of death; fong sai yuk; fang shi yu) (1972 HK) D: CHOI YEUNG MING W: I. KUANG P: CHEUNG YING When one of their best students is killed, crooked martial arts instructors Iron Fist Tan (Yasuaki Kurata) and his brother (Wong Ching) go after young hero wannabe Fong Sai Yuk (Meng Fei). They beat him up and he’s left for dead, so is taught at a retreat by his mother until he’s good enough to challenge them. Pretty much second-rate kung fu flick all the way through, until a very good, rousing finale at a martial arts contest. Lau Kar Wing and Wong Pei Tsi were the fight choreographers. With Yuen Shun-Yi, Yuen Cheung Yan and Fung Hak On (from THE MAGNIFICENT BUTCHER) in a small, background part.

KUNG FU VAMPIRE (1993 HK) D: YUAN XIANG REN W: DAI ZI QIAO P: PAN XIANG This begins promisingly, with some informative background information for those of you unsure what exactly “hopping vampires” are (it’s one of several means used by priests to transport the dead to their home towns for burial, another method illustrated is flying!). On top of that we’re introduced to an evil sorcerer fighting with soldiers over some bodies he needs to procure. He has some kind of boomerang knife (it’s too dark to see the scene properly) and a bulletproof cape (just like Batfink!). But then we’re introduced to our main characters, and things grind to a halt. A woman educated in medicine in Japan and her annoying, foolish Japanese boyfriend travel upriver to rural China to transport her dead father back to his home town. An old witch crone (who prescribes maggots in snake blood as an asthma cure), a local Lord and his son, drug smugglers and a Tarzan-like hero are other characters. In one scene, rats in a cage attached to a man’s stomach are burnt alive (for real it seems) until they burrow through him to escape the flames! Otherwise, pretty dull. The director was a busy action choreographer and actor since the 60s. His directorial debut was the wild TAOISM DRUNKARD. His directorial debut was the wild TAOISM DRUNKARD. Prior to the film under review here, then-recent flicks were WIZARD’S CURSE (1992) and HERE COMES A VAMPIRE (1990).

KUNG FU VENGEANCE See: VENGEANCE (1970)

KUNG FU VS. YOGA (liu sue laai gau; lao shu la gui) (1979 HK) D: CHAN CHUEN W: WU CHI P: HU CHIN Kung fu comedy with a very forgettable plot features superior fighting and satisfyingly goofy mugging throughout. This would be fine on its own, but what makes it a standout is the final 15 mins that features an incredible Indian contortionist fighter (Dupar Singh). A must-see for genre fans and the uninitiated. With Chin Yuet San, director Chuen, San Kuai, Paul Cheng Chung, Ho Pak Kwong, Fung Hak On and Tsang Choh Lam (who choreographed along with Meng Hoi and Choy Chung Shim).

KUNG FU WARLORD See: THE BRAVE ARCHER

THE KUNG FU WARRIOR (chut cho cheuk tau faat cho choi; chu au chuo tou fa cu cai) (1979 HK) D/W: SIMON CHUI W: LO LAM/SA AU P: ALEX GOUW A young man travels from Macao to Hong Kong to study kung fu from anyone who offers. After some comic mishaps he helps trick a mean businessman into donating his money-lined vest to help a young girl study abroad (he steals it with a remote controlled toy helicopter). There’s also some unlikely skateboarding stunts and unusual training scenes in this offbeat but mostly forgettable kung fu nonsense from the director of the much more memorably insane MANTIS FISTS AND TIGER CLAWS OF SHAOLIN. With Kwan Hoi San, Lee Hoi Sang and Yuen Miu.

KUNG FU ZOMBIE (woo lung tin bye chiu chik gwai; wu long tian shi zhao ji gui) (1981 HK) D: HWA I. HUNG P: PAL MING A trio of bank robbers hire a wizard to awake some hopping vampires to help kill cop-in-training Billy Chong. But the gang leader ends up dead, and a bolt of lightning evokes his spirit. The spirit enlists the wizard’s help to find himself a new body. But the corpse he chooses is in fact a blood drinking kung fu fighting criminal zombie who has a vendetta against Chong’s mean father. If that wasn’t convoluted enough, Chong’s dad is in the habit of faking his death! Add to this too much silly, broad physical comedy and you have an interesting failure. If only they’d concentrated more on the exhilarating, brutal kung fu and wirework. The supernatural elements are also pretty underdeveloped. Reasonably enjoyable, and the score copies James Bond.

KUNOICHI LADY NINJA See: YAGIU GAIDEN KU NOICHI NINPOU CHO: EDO HANA JIGOKU HEN

KWAHERI: VANISHING AFRICA (1964 US) D: MIKI CARTER/BYRON CHUDNOW D/P: THOR BROOKS W: MICHAEL VITTES P: DAVID CHUDNOW Travelogue footage of African people, animals, rituals and events were filmed by Carter. Back in the States, the Chudnows and Brooks edited it together and added Vittes-scripted narration by Les Tremayne (the theme is “new” and “old” Africa throughout). They also added brief inserts of a topless “native” woman being wrapped in leaves in the hope of making us believe a “virgin sacrifice” (most likely nothing of the sort) at the end is authentic. Amongst all the more lighthearted, comical stuff (a dwarf who wants a witch doctor to make him taller for example) there is one genuinely shocking (and real) scene guaranteed to make you flinch. “Illegal skull operations” (trepanning) involve a primitive surgeon cutting open and peeling back the patient’s scalp. Then he grinds away at the exposed skull with an unsterilised knife until a small hole can be prised open! It’s then sealed with hogfat and banana leaves!! Previous patients show off their worrying, disfigured heads, exhibiting a very thin layer of scalp that’s grown back. It’s worth watching this early mondo hit for this sequence alone. The legendary Kroger Babb promoted it.

KWAIDAN (kaidan) (1964 JPN) D: MASAKI KOBAYASHI W: YOKO MIZUKI P: SHIGERU WAKABUKI Probably the most famous Japanese horror film (before RING anyway), this may be overlong and too arty for some, but is still essential viewing. It’s an anthology of supernatural tales, each representing the four seasons. KUROKAMI and YUKI ONNA are good, but unexceptional. But MIMI NASHI HOICHI NO HANASHI is great, and the one most people remember. But the creepiest, and my personal favourite is CHAWAN NO NAKA in which a man is haunted by a figure in his cup of tea. All the stories (based on the writings of Lafcadio Hearn) were overly familiar in their own country after years of telling and retelling, so it flopped there. The rest of the world embraced it as a classic of its kind. With Tetsuro Tanba, Rentaro Mikuni, Michyo Aratama, Tatsuya Nakadi, Keiko Kishi, Kabuo Nakajima, Seiji Miyaguchi, Keisato, Takashi Shimura, Kinsughi, Haruko Sugimura, Kunie Tanaka and Jun Tazaki. The YUKI ONNA tale was the basis for the (good) feature, GHOST STORY OF THE SNOW GIRL (1968).

KYOUFU NO TWEET: TSUBUYAKU KODAMA (2011 JPN) D: TSUKASA SATO W: HIROTOSHI KOBAYASHI P: KAZUSHI MIKI Pretty dire and ultra-cheap ONE MISSED CALL rip-off (just one of dozens that flooded the domestic Japanese market, but never made it abroad) has a mysterious girl called Anna stalking a young man and all his followers on Twitter. Some end up with severed heads. I’m not spoiling anything decent by revealing she was a child prodigy pianist who broke her hand (his fault) and killed herself (by lying under a train). The dvd has three even worse shorts with more pale-faced/long-haired female ghosts that make little sense. Mercifully, the whole disc runs Only 50 or so mins. The title translates as Twitter Fear: Echo Of A Whisper, or something similar.

KYOUSO TANJO (many happy returns) (1993 JPN) D: TOSHIRO TEMA W: YUJI KATO/TAKESHI KITANO P: YOSHIO NABASHIMA/TORU TANAKA Koji Tamaki is a young drifter who gets involved with Kitano’s travelling faith healer operation. Masaya Shimojo is the old Kyouso who has no real powers. It’s a pretty good comedy drama (based on Kitano’s novel) with some very funny scenes. With Ittoku Kishibe, Masato Hagiwara and Masako Motae.

LA BLUE GIRL (inju gakuen) (1992-93 JPN ANIMATED) D: RAIZO KITAKAWA/KAN FUKUMOTO/ RIN’O YANAGIKAZE W: MEGUMI ICHIYANAGA P: RUSHER IKEDA/SMALLY IZUMI/KENTO MAKI Sixpart series about a virginal schoolgirl descendant of a ninja clan who has to prevent another clan of ninja demons from breaking a pact with some dangerous, ancient monsters. This erotic cartoon comedy fantasy features lots of girls being raped by multiple tentacle penises. Based on a story by Toshio Maeda, it’s pretty generic of its type, for “hentai” completists only. From Dreamy Express Zone. The English dubbing is often hilarious. A live action series is called SEX BEAST ON CAMPUS. Miko Mido returned as a college student in the four-part LADY BLUE series and LA BLUE GIRL RETURNS.

LA BLUE GIRL LIVE See: SEX BEAST ON CAMPUS (series)

LA BLUE GIRL RETURNS (inju gakuen: fukastsu hen) (2001–02 JPN ANIMATED) D: YOSHITAKA FUJIMOTO W: MEGUMI ICHIYANAGI P: RUSHER IKEDA) Mostly not very exciting third series (in four parts) starring sexy young Ninja warrior Miko Mido. Demons with decadent sex on their minds inevitably turn up.

LA BLUE GIRL: REVENGE OF THE SHIKIMA REALM See: SEX BEAST ON CAMPUS

LABORATORY OF THE DEVIL See: THE MAN BEHIND THE SUN 2

LA CRASH See: THE STRAY

LA CRIMEWAVE See: LA TAKEDOWN

LADIES OF THE NIGHT See: VAMPIRE HOOKERS

THE LADY AND THE PROWLER See: THE UNHOLY WIFE

LADY BEWARE (1932) See: THE THIRTEENTH GUEST

LADY BLUE VOL. 1 (inju gakuen EX) (1996 JPN ANIMATED) D: KAN FUKUMOTO W: MEGUMI ICHIRYU Four-part follow up to LA BLUE GIRL has Miko Mido in college and failing in love for the first time. But some kind of sex flute is causing trouble in the Shikima realm. But more importantly that little voyeur Nin-nin provides the usual Miko upskirt shots and demons provide the rape scenes. The formula still works a treat. Need more? Check out LA BLUE GIRL RETURNS.

LADY COCOA (1974 US) D/P: “MATT CIMBER” (MATTEO OTTAVIANO) W: GEORGE THEAKOS A philosophy-quoting loudmouth misfit black female convict (Lola Falana) gets out of prison for 24 hours, so she can testify against her gangster boyfriend. Gene Washington is the black cop assigned to protect her at a Lake Tahoe casino, where assassins try to kill her. Falana (who was also in the 1967 spaghetti western BLACK TIGRESS, and KLANSMAN the same year) calls people “yo-yos”, “poo-poos” and “buster brown”. The music (mostly a variation on Pop Goes The Weasel) is by Luchi de Jesus. Ok, but forgettable, mostly talky black action flick. With Mean Joe Greene, Mille Perkins (in Cimber’s THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA) and George “Buck” Flower. Other blaxploitation features from Ottaviano (and Theakos) are the trash classic THE CANDY TANGERINE MAN and THE BLACK SIX (1973).

THE LADY CONSTABLES (lady karate; fei yan shuang jiao) (1978 HK) D/W: CHEUNG SAN-YEE P: KEI CHUNG-LAM/PING WAI-FAN Angela Mao (who fights with long coloured ribbons, and can fly through the air horizontally) and Judy Lee (weapon of choice, a baton) are the title law-women, who catch criminals by putting them in coffins!? Costarring is Wong Goon-Kung as a not-really-mute swordsman with a scroll on which his thoughts are written for every occasion (accompanied by a sound effect that gets rather annoying after a while). They’re after jewel thieves in this enjoyable, well choreographed (by Ko Pao) kung fu flick with some bizarre touches. I liked the fight between Wong with a big magnet and some lackeys in awkward iron armour the best, closely followed by the climax involving a spiked spinning parasol. With Chang Yi, Shih-Ting Ken, Hon Siu, Chui Chung-Hei, Au Lap-Bo and Robert Tai.

LADY DRAGON 2 See: ANGEL OF FURY

LADY FRANKENSTEIN (daughter of frankenstein; madame frankenstein; la figlia di frankenstein) (1972 ITL) D/W/P: MEL WELLES D: AURELIANO LUPPI W: EDWARD DI LORENZO/DICK RANDALL P: HARRY CUSHING/UMBERTO BORSATO/GIOELE CENTANNI Dr. Frankenstin’s daughter (Rosalba Neri aka Sarah Bay) carries on father’s (Joseph Cotten) experiments after his (impressive looking) scarred face monster kills him and goes on the rampage. Horny Neri creates another good-looking monster to have sex with while the original creature grabs naked female victims all over town. If only Mary Shelley had put these elements in her book it would have made it even better! With Mickey Hargitay, Paul Muller, Herbert Fox and Herb Andress. Great trashy fun.

THE LADY IN RED (1979 US) D: LEWIS TEAGUE W: JOHN SAYLES P: JULIE CORMAN Pamela Sue Martin is wild Polly Franklin, a minor troublemaker who became Dillinger’s wife. Robert Conrad plays the soon-to-be-assassinated mob man in this diverting but forgettable New World action/road movie quickie. With Louis Fletcher, Robert Hogan, Dick Miller, Christopher Lloyd, Nancy Parsons, Alan Vint, Joe Falherty, Mary Woronov, Michael Cavanaugh, Robert Forster and Kitten Natividad. Teague and Sayles teamed up the following year for the great ALLIGATOR.

LADY IRON MONKEY (ape girl; fighting justice; chui hau lui; zui hou nu) (1979 TAI) D: CHAN JEUNG WA W: HAU JUEN P: CHEN LUNG-CHEN A girl with white face makeup, a long hair wig and vaguely monkey-ish features makes herself beautiful for Prince Chan Sing, only to be betrayed by the ambitious rogue. Lucky she still has her tail, that can be used for fighting. Training scenes involve candles. Not awful, but not as weirdly enjoyable as it sounds. A fairly average kung fu quickie with a badly utilised gimmick. With Miu Tin, Lee Man Tai, Au Lap Bo, Chow Yun Gin, a cameo from Lo Lieh, little kids in monkey outfits doubling as chimps, and a dwarf. The director is best known for the Jackie Chan vehicles SHAOLIN WOODEN MEN, SNAKE AND CRANE ARTS OF SHAOLIN and HALF A LOAF OF KUNG FU.

LADY KARATE See: THE LADY CONSTABLES

LADY KUNG FU See: HAPKIDO

LADY OF THE SHADOWS See: THE TERROR (1963)

LADY POISON See: THE LAST SEDUCTION

LADY SNOWBLOOD (shurayukihime) (1973 JPN) D: FUJITA TOSHIYA W: OSADA NORIO P: OKUDA KIKUMARU Meiko Kaji is a “child of the netherworlds”, “born into vengeance”, intent on tracking down and killing the four villains who killed her father and gang-raped her mother. This period revenge piece awash with geysers of blood was the main template for Quentin Tarantino’s KILL BILL (he even used the theme tune sung by Kaji), but is so much more substantial and satisfying. Highly recommended. With Ko Nishimura, Toshio Kurosawa and Eiji Okada. Based on Kazuo Koike and Kazuo Kamimura’s longrunning manga (1972–73 in Weekly Playboy magazine). Another Koike manga was the basis for the ace LONE WOLF AND CUB series. Interestingly, he also wrote for Hulk: The Manga, an authorized 1970–71 original Japanese story-arc for Marvel’s Incredible Hulk character. For more Jap-Marvel madness, see SPIDERMAN (1978) review.

LADY SNOWBLOOD 2: LOVE SONG OF VENGEANCE (shurayukihime: urami renga) (1974 JPN) D: TOSHIYA FUJITA W: KIYOHIDE OHARA/NORIO OSADA P: KIKUMARU OKUDA The original classic was so perfectly self-contained with a fine sense of karmic poetry that this sequel seems unnecessary and desperate. The plot, which involves an anti-capitalist anarchist (Juzo Itami), seems like it should have been reworked as a different non-SNOWBLOOD movie. Meiko Kaji is as supercool as ever in the lead, but her character lacks the burning vengeful motivation that she had resolved in the original. Yoshio Harada co-stars, with Shin Kishida and Kazuo Yoshiyuki. THE PRINCESS BLADE (2001) was a not very good and largely unrelated remake of the original that took elements of the manga and put them in a futuristic sci-fi setting. It starred Yumiko Shaku (who’s no Meiko Kaji).

LADY TERMINATOR See: NASTY HUNTER

THE LADY VAMPIRE (female vampire; the woman vampire; vampire man; onna kyukestsuki) (1959 JPN) D: NOBUO NAKAGAWA W: KATSUYOSHI NAKATSU/ SHIN NAKAZAWA P: MITSUGU OKURA/ KATSUI TSUDA During her daughter’s birthday celebrations a woman who’s been missing for twenty years returns to her family home, and she hasn’t aged a bit. A portrait of her (Yoko Mihara) by an unknown artist wins first prize in an art contest. Her flashback reveals that she was hypnotised and held prisoner by a vampire, who in one of many confusing scenes prods her with a candlestick that makes metallic clang noises as if she were made from metal. This vampire (Shigeru Amachi, who walks around in daylight wearing a suit, hat, shades and white gloves) has a backstory reminiscent of the MAKAI TENSHO legend of an undead persecuted Christian with magical powers. Moonlight transforms him into a fanged bloodsucker, and also seems to ail him. In one bizarre scene his dwarf assistant runs into a Ginza bar where his master is and for no apparent reason jumps on the counter and hurls bottles and glasses at the windows. The moonlight floods in and Amachi transforms into a vampire and bites several women one after another in the bar and then the street outside! His other sidekicks (who figure in a cave hideout climax) are an old crone and a bald guy in a loincloth! At the end Amachi (who also seems not to mind crosses and can be seen in mirrors) dons a cape and uses a sword and whip to fight the reporter hero dating the daughter (Junko Ikeuchi). When moonlight hits this time, his face gets old and deformed and he’s wearing a white fright wig! Mihara (who was never a vampire despite the title) becomes a wax doll (!) and there are lots of explosions. I enjoyed watching this baffling, goodlooking b/w adaptation of Sotoo Tachibana’s novel Chitei No Binko. Amachi was also in the Nakagawa classics GHOST STORY OF YOTSUYA (from the same year) and JIGOKU.

LADY VAMPIRE (1994) See: THE NOSFERATU DIARIES

THE LADY VANISHES (1938 UK) D: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: SIDNEY GILLIAT/FRANK LAUNDER P: EDWARD BLACK May Whitty is a kindly old lady who befriends young Margaret Lockwood on-board a train heading through Europe. Lockwood awakes from a nap to find Whitty missing and all other passengers claiming she never existed. Michael Redgrave is a musicologist who helps her figure out the mystery in this timeless comic-suspense classic. With Paul Lukas, Mary Clare, Googie Withers, Cecil Parker and the once-popular pairing of Basil Radford and Naunton Wayne. Of course Hitch has his usual cameo. Based on Ethel Lina White’s novel The Wheel Spin.

THE LADY VANISHES (1979 UK) D: ANTHONY PAGE W: GEORGE AXELROD P: TOM SACHS/MICHAEL CARRERAS Cybil Sheperd and Elliot Gould star in this awful, ill-advised, unfunny comic remake. With Angela Lansbury, Herbert Lom, Arthur Lowe, Ian Carmichael, Vladek Sheybal, Dan Van husen and William Hootkins.

LADY WEAPON See: RUNNING DELILAH

LADY WEAPON: ZERO See: WOMEN ON THE RUN

LADY WHIRLWIND (deep thrust; tit cheung suen fung tui; tie zhang xuan feng tui) (1971 HK) D: HUANG FENG W: WA TOI CHUNG P: RAYMOND CHOW Angela Mao is after Chang Yi because she believes he was responsible for her sister’s death. But he has an agenda of vengeance of his own, against local crooked casino owners (who Sammo Hung works for). Despite some decent fight choreography by Chu Yuan Lung, the dough just refuses to rise. I think it has something to do with Chang Yi, who’s much better suited to white-haired villany than heroics. With Pai Ying, Chin Yuet Sang, Yueng Wai and director Huang Feng (Wong Fung).

THE LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM (1988 UK) D/W/P: KEN RUSSELL Russell took many liberties with Bram Stoker’s final 1911 novel, to this crazed film’s advantage I think. Peter Capaldi is a Scottish archaeologist who unearths the skull of Dayonin, the pagan snake god. Amanada Donahue is great as an aristocrat who worships it and can turn into a human snake (complete with poisonous fangs). Hugh Grant is the rich playboy descendant of those who slew the beast. A scene where an infected snake/human cop is lured by bagpipe music is a good example of the campy fun on show here. Some hallucination scenes recall Russell’s THE DEVILS. With Catherine Oxenberg.

LAKE OF ILLUSIONS (maboroshi no mizuumi) (1982 JPN) D/W/P: SHINOBU HASHIMOTO P: YOSHITARO NOMURA/KATSUMI OYAMA/MASAYUKI SATO I was lucky enough to see this wrongheaded 164 mins epic (a cult favourite in Japan) on a big-screen during an all-night movie show in Tokyo. Hashimoto was a celebrated screenwriter of both commercial and critical hits (including several for Akira Kurosawa), when he was given an awful lot of money to helm this seriously pretentious non-categorisable oddity. Reiko Nanjo (who’s not very good) stars as a bath-house prostitute and avid jogger (around title lake) whose dog is killed one day. A clue leads her to search for a musician in the city. Meanwhile a foreign former co-worker at the bath-house (now a CIA agent!) tells her of a plot to blow-up a space shuttle. Another curious aside is a very long period flashback (which seems like expensive outtakes from a different, rather impressive movie) set in feudal times (which features many decapitated heads), all of wich is related to Nanjo by a flute-playing astronaut. Nanjo eventually tracks down her nemesis (Kinya Kitaoji), and after an exhausting, long jogging scene (there is a lot of jogging in this film), stabs him to death (he erupts a geyser of blood)! (At this point, the usually quiet and polite Japanese audience I saw it with cheered!) It ends with the astronaut (Daisuke Ryu) leaving his flute to float in space, with the supposed gravitas and meaning of the ending of 2001! This thing is nuts (and was a major embarrassment for Hashimoto). With Kazuo Kitamura, Seiji Miyaguchi, Hideo Murota, Keiko Takahashi and Hideji Ootaki. The score is by Yasushi Akutagawa, and it boasts three respected cinematographers.

THE LAKE OF THE LIVING DEAD See: ZOMBIE LAKE

LAKE PLACID (u.m.a.) (1999 US CAN) D: STEVE MINER W/P: DAVID E. KELLEY P: MICHAEL PRESSMAN Bridget Fonda is a squeamish New York museum paleontologists (fossils and the like) who goes to Maine to help Sheriff Brendan Gleeson and Fish and Game Warden Bill Pullman hunt for a giant killer crocodile. Oliver Platt turns up as a loud and eccentric rich professor of mythology who worships crocodiles. Betty White has a good part as an old widow who feeds whole cows to the crocodile (an impressive computer FX creation from Stan Winston). It’s not really that satisfying, but an enjoyable big-budget version of an idea more usually found in cheap exploitation movies. I wish they’d had more croc and less comic relief bickering among the leads. With Adam Arkin, Marsuka Hargitay, Meredith Salinger, Ty Olsson and Miner. Kelley created the annoying Ally McBeal tv show and Miner made things like HOUSE and FRIDAY THE 13TH sequels in the 80s. It must have done well on video, as two direct-to-tv sequels (in 2007 and 2010) followed.

LAMBADA: THE FORBIDDEN DANCE (1990 US) D: GREYDON CLARK W: ROY LANGSDON/JOHN PLATT P: MARC S. FISCHER/RICHARD L. ALBERT Lambada movies (remember when that was a craze?) don’t really belong in this book (you won’t find any other entries), but this one is directed by Clark (WITHOUT WARNING, THE UNINVITED, SKINHEADS) and has Sid Haig and Richard Lynch in it! Laura Herring (who was once Miss America) stars as an Amazonian Princess who comes to America to try to stop a corporate villain (Lynch) from destroying her people’s land in the Rainforest. After being exploited as a maid and an exotic dancer, she falls in love with a rich rebellious Beverly Hills kid and they go on Kid Creole’s tv show to dance and preach about the ozone. Haig doesn’t speak much (apart from a few yelps of nonsense) as a witch doctor who accompanies Herring to the US. The message ending is pretty funny. It’s from 21st Century, owned by Menhamem Golan (the executive producer). Golan’s former partner Yoram Globus was busy making rival Lambada movies.

THE LAMP (the outing) (1985 US) D: TOM DALEY W/P: WARREN CHANEY Watchable little horror/fantasy flick has some teens spending the night in a museum where a killer genie comes back to life. Just a series of gory set pieces, but better than a lot of its type and painless to sit through. David L. Hewitt is credited with super photographic FX supervision.

LAND OF THE DEAD (2005 US CAN FRA) D/W: GEORGE A. ROMERO P: MARK CANTON/BERNIE GOLDMANN/PETER GRUNWALD Romero’s late sequel to the original, beloved NIGHT, DAWN, DAY trilogy (no doubt speeded into fruition due to the success of the DAWN remake) is actually pretty good, his best in a long time (as long as you don’t expect more than a solid zombie apocalypse flick). Dennis Hopper owns an exclusive, expensive highrise complex surrounded by slums, the only real safe haven against the sea of undead that have overrun the country/world. Simon Baker stars as the hero blackmailed into getting some kind of armoured supertank back from ambitious John Leguizamo. Robert Joy is his scarred sidekick, and Asia Argento (whose father recut and scored the original DAWN for Italian audiences back in the day) gets rescued from Phil Fondacaro’s sideshow to tag along in a badly underwritten tough chick role. There’s some old-fashioned gut-munching gore (or at least in the uncut version that didn’t make it to theatres) provided by Gregg Nicotero (who has a cameo along with original FX maestro Tom Savini). The ending’s a little glib, but you enjoy getting there so much that you won’t really mind. With Eugene Clark, Boyd Banks, Bruce McFee, Matt Burman, Scott Wickware, David Sparrow and zombie cameos from SHAUN OF THE DEAD’s Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright. A loose new trilogy continued with the much less interesting DIARY OF THE DEAD (2007) and SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD (2009).

THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT (1975 UK) D: KEVIN CONNOR W: JAMES CAWTHORN/MICHAEL MOORCOCK P: JOHN DARK In 1916, a German Uboat (captained by John McEnery) sinks a British ship in the Atlantic, but survivors (including American lead Doug McClure) manage to hijack the submarine. Drifting off-course and running out of fuel, they find themselves on the lost volcanic island of Caprona, complete with men-in-rubber-suit dinosaurs and ape-men (one of whom is apparently future action movie stalwart Steve James). Edgar Rice Burroughs’ original 1918 novel (first in a trilogy), on which this is based, was a riff on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s 1912 novel The Lost World, and as dull as I personally find this Amicus release, it is a pretty close and faithful adaptation (i’m not much of a fan of the book either, come to think of it). In fact it was the first non-Tarzan/jungle adventure movie adaptation of Burroughs’ work. New wave sci-fi icon Moorcock (who had already seen one of his books become the peculiar THE FINAL PROGRAMME in 1973) used to write Burroughs pastiches (and at the time was probably writing for Hawkwind as well!). With Susan Penhaligon (later in PATRICK), Keith Barron, long-serving Doctor Who Master Anthony Ainley and Godfrey James. It was shot in the Canary Islands, as was the sequel THE PEOPLE THAT TIME FORGOT. In-between came another Amicus/ Burroughs/Connor/McClure movie, AT THE EARTH’S CORE. Connor, Dark and McClure also made WAR LORDS OF ATLANTIS in the same spirit for EMI. There was another LAND THAT TIME FORGOT in 2009.

THE LANGOLIERS (stephen king’s…) (1995 US) D/W: TOM HOLLAND P: DAVID R. KAPPES This two-part 180 mins tv movie adaption of King’s novel is at once a flawed but interesting piece of sci-fi and a crazed soap opera with very bad dialogue. A handful of passengers (including cliché Brit Mark Lindsay Chapman, pilot David Morse, psychotic executive Bronson Pinchot, a blind psychic girl and mystery novelist Dean Stockwell) wake up from sleeping on a plane and find that all the other passengers have disappeared. The fascinating concept that follows includes (bad computer FX) time-eating monsters. I’m sure they could have made it much shorter had they cut out some of the extended heart-to-heart conversations and endless shots of people looking at the horizon. Pinchot really overdoes it in his strange role and Stockwell is fun to watch. The other characters are pretty underdeveloped and the black guy is the first to die as usual. Holland (who makes an appearance, as does King) has created some really tense and exciting scenes here among the dross, and overall THE LANGOLIERS is well worth sitting through. With Frankie Faison and Bill Hinzman.

L.A.P.D. CONSPIRACY (l.a.p.d.: to protect and to serve) (2000 CAN) D: ED ANDERS W: ROB NEIGHBOURS/ GENE GOLDSMAN/JOHN MEYER P: MAURICE SMITH Marc Singer is a good LA (Vancouver?) cop sucked into working for corrupt killer cops led by Michael Madsen (who wisely seems to not take this nonsense too seriously). Seventies bad film icon Wayne Crawford (BARRACUDA, GOD’S BLOODY ACRE) is also a bad cop and Dennis Hopper is the precinct captain. With Charles Durning, Colin Foo, a clip from FLESH GORDON 2 and a poster for SCREWBALL HOTEL.

LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER (tomb raider) (2001 UK US GER JPN) D/W: SIMON WEST W: PATRICK MASSETT/JOHN ZINMAN/SARA B. COOPER/MIKE WERB/MICHAEL COLLEARY P: LAWRENCE GORDON/ LLOYD LEVIN/COLIN WILSON Angelina Jolie is wealthy English adventurer and woman of action Lara Croft (think Indiana Jones for the E generation) in yet another lousy, noisy FX-laden movie based on a video game. Jon Voight is her dead father and Chris Barrie and Noah Taylor her irritating sidekicks. Iain Glen is the villain who wants power over time. With Daniel Craig, Richard Johnson, Julian Rhind-Tutt and Leslie Phillips. Filmed in Cambodia, Ireland, Venice and the UK. Insert coin now… insert coin now… insert coin now…

LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER 2: THE CRADLE OF LIFE (2003 US GER JPN UK NETH) D: JAN DE BONT W: DEAN GEORGARIS/STEVEN E. DeSOUZA/JAMES V. HART P: LAWRENCE GORDON/ LLOYD LEVIN Angelina Jolie returns for more of the same. This time it’s a search for Pandora’s Box. Gerald Butler co-stars as her ex-lover accomplice/ rival. What with all the technically flawless FX and expertly executed stunts and overall grandeur sweep, how come it’s so numbingly boring? Trying to pinpoint what’s wrong is difficult as it should logically be damned exciting, but I had a job keeping my eyes open. With Ciaran Hinds, Chris Barrie, Noah Taylor, Til Schweiger, Simon Yam, Djimon Hounsou, Daniel Caltagiore, Terence Yin and Martin Glyn Murray of The Mock Turtles (!) as “Submarine Medic”. At least there are some rock monsters this time.

LARRY FLYNT See: THE PEOPLE VS. LARRY FLYNT

LASERBLAST (1978 US) D: MICHAEL RAE W: FRANNE SCHACT/FRANK RAY PERILLI P: CHARLES BAND Early Band production has an outsider teen finding a laser gun (and medallion that seems to control it) in the desert (it was left there by cool stop-motion aliens designed by David Allen) and proceeding to blast people who threaten him while turning green and scary-looking. This unusual little film isn’t really that good, but I have a huge fondness for it and am sure others do to. Roddy McDowall is a doctor, with Keenan Wynn, a geeky (of course) Eddie Deezen (who should be more famous), Cheryl Smith, Dennis Burkley and several cars blowing up real good. DEADLY WEAPON copied it years later.

LASERHAWK (1997 CAN) D: JEAN PELLERIN W/P: JOHN A. CURTIS W: PIETER KROONENBURG So it turns out that we humans were planted here millions of years ago by carnivorous aliens called Arachtoids so that we would breed, supplying them with plenty of meat. Jason James Richter and a girl are outcast teens in Wisconsin whose home town residents are abducted by the aliens. With the help of comic book artist M.K. Ultra (Gordon Currie, “So what am I, comic relief?”) and asylum inmate/alien Mark Hamill, they discover that they’re destined to fly an ancient spacecraft (under military security) and blow up the Arachtoids (potentially cool insect-like jerky animations that are barely seen). Overlong, but not bad for less discriminating kids (younger than the leads here). But Currie’s alcoholic Prozac-popping character seems out of place (as does some swearing), and the ending is sub-LAST STARFIGHTER. With Richard Zeman, A.J. Cook and Larry day.

LASER KILLER See: CORRUPTION

LAST ACTION HERO (1993 US) D/P: JOHN McTIERNAN W: SHANE BLACK/DAVID ARNOTT/ZAK PENNY/ ADAM LEEF P: STEPHEN J. ROTH A kid with a magic movie ticket that transports him inside executive producer Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new movie Jack Slater 4 also unleashes villain Charles Dance into the real world. The Ripper (Tom Noonan) also comes through, so Schwarzenegger/Slater follows and has supposedly hilarious reality problems. Dumb, unimaginative spoof action comedy has surprisingly bad FX for a $100m movie, and endless star cameos. The cast includes Robert Prosky, Anthony Quinn, F. Murray Abraham, Prof. Tanaka, Art Carney, Bridgette Wilson, Colleen Camp, Robert Patrick, Tina Turner, Sharon Stone, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jim Belushi, Damon Wayans, Melvin Van Peebles, Tony Curtis, Mark Hammill, Little Richard, Adam Ant, M.C. Hammer, Chevy Chase, Thomas Rosales Jr., Neriah Davis, Danny DeVito, Angie Everhart, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Lee Reherman, Ian McKellan, Joan Plowright, Bobbie Brown, Karen Duffy and Larry Ferguson. The overkill prepublicity included a logo on a NASA rocket!

THE LAST AIRBENDER (airbender) (2010 US) D/W/P: M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN P: SCOTT AVERSANO/ FRANK MARSHALL/SAM MERCER This very impressive looking Nickelodeon/Paramount co-production kids’ movie loaded with ILM FX takes place in a war-torn fantasy world where different tribes (water, earth, fire, air) can control their element by “bending” (tai-chi like martial arts moves that can move the water, fire etc. around, essentially using the element as a weapon). Noah Ringer (a genuine martial artist from Texas, so he looks pretty good doing it) stars as a young boy found encased in ice, the last surviving monk of the air tribe, and an avatar, a godlike master of ALL the elements. The fire tribe are the warmongering bad guys. Nicola Peltz is the other main teen star (water). Based on a long-running animated series (AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER), this much-hated box office flop (also released in a 3D version) and troubled production (30 mins were cut by the studios prerelease) is not that bad in my opinion. It’s a badly-paced mess, is too reliant on a proposed sequel (time will tell) and occasionally laughable, but it’s also quite entertaining, different and I think an antidote to other Hollywood “family” films. Trying to make nature-based philosophy and practises (i.e. tai-chi, meditation etc.) cool for children is a noble task. With Jackson Rathbone, Shaun Toub, Dev Patel (SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE), Aasif Mandvi, Cliff Curtis, Seychelle Gabriel and Broadway actress Katharine Houghton. Shot in Pennsylvania, Greenland and Vietnam.

THE LAST ALARM (1940 US) D: WILLIAM WEST W: AL MARTIN P: T.R. WILLIAMS Reluctantly retired Fire Chief J. Farrell MacDonald is called back in to investigate when a pyromaniac terrorises the city in this neat little hour or so b/w programmer from Monogram. We know pretty much from the beginning that the culprit is bespectacled antique salesman George Pembroke, secretly a goggle-eyed maniac who worships a small statuette of Vulcan, the God of Fire. He cackles as he sacrifices himself to the flames at the end. He makes it worth the watch. With Mary Gordon (Mrs. Hudson in the Basil Rathbone Sherlock Holmes series) as MacDonald’s worrying wife, the gorgeous Polly Ann Young as his daughter (she terminated her acting career with INVISIBLE GHOST the following year), Warren Hull (wasted as Young’s fiancee, he was the star of THE GREEN HORNET STRIKES AGAIN serial the same year), Joel Friedkin, Eddie Hart and Edward Kane.

THE LAST BATTLE OF YANG CHAO (daai chung lit; da zhong lie) (1978 HK) D: MO MAN HUNG W: YIM CHUNG/LEE KAI CHI P: BARRY CHAN Carter Wong and Polly Shang Kuan star in this epic-ish historical drama detailing a 17th century scrimmage between the Ming loyalists and the Qing invaders that includes some martial arts and swordplay. Pretty forgettable, though. With Ngai Ping Ngo, Han Ying Chieh, producer Chan and Cho Kin.

THE LAST BLOOD (hard boiled 2; 12 hours of terror; geng tin siu shut; jing tian xiao shi) (1991 HK) D: WONG JING W: AAU LANG CHONG CHOK P: WALLACE CHEUNG/ERIC TSANG Alan Tam, Andy Lau and Eric Tsang star in this heroic bloodshed entry that was retitled to cash in on John Woo’s HARD BOILED despite the fact that it was made earlier and doesn’t have anything in common with that hit (except they both end in a hospital). The plot involves a gang war between Hong Kong Triads and clichéd Japanese yakuza. Lots of innocent civilians are shot and it gets pretty violent. It’s ok for its type, but the English subtitles are way off. With Leung Kar Yan and Nat Chan Pak Cheung.

THE LAST BOMB (atomic city; der bunker: einne todischere falle) (1999 GER CZE) D: HANS HORN W: ORKUN ERTENER/PHILIP VOGES/MISCHA HOFMANN Russian soldiers invade a German missile bunker and threaten to detonate the last cruise missiles on German soil unless a ransom is met. The fact that the Russian Army can’t pay its own troops is discussed. A clichéd burnt-out ex-hero has to save the day (and his wife and child on base). The corrupt bunker commander and a psychotic Russian soldier are the real villains in this pretty boring DIE HARD copy (yes, another one). With Regula Grauwiller, Eckhard Preub, Ralph Herforth, Rolf Hoppe, Horst Janson, Hans Korte and Borivoj Navratil.

THE LAST BOYSCOUT (1991 US) D: TONY SCOTT W: SHANE BLACK/GREG HICKS P: JOEL SILVER/MICHAEL LEVY Bruce Willis is entertainingly sleazy as an ex-Secret Service man turned private investigator who teams up with disgraced pro football star Damon Wayans. A conspiracy involving football corruption and murder is laced with plenty of action, violence and loud explosions. Executive producer Black got paid a record (for the time) $1.75m for his script, which is pretty ridiculous. But this is a superior brainless action movie, and quite fun to watch. With Chelsea Field, Noble Willingham, Halle Berry, Kim Coates, Billy Blanks, Dick Butkus, Bruce McGill, Morris Chestnut, Eddie Griffin, Jack Kehler, Taylor Negron, Tony Longo, Bill Medley from the Righteous Brothers, Verne Lundquist and Lynn Swann.

THE LAST BROADCAST (1998 US) D/W/P: STEFAN AVALOS/LANCE WEILER This well made (for the most part) semi-hoax tape (that owns up at the end) makes an interesting comparison piece with THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (which it predates). It’s a mock documentary look at who murdered a documentary film crew investigating the myth of “The Jersey Devil” in the woods of New Jersey. It gets pretty gripping towards the end, but is ultimately a let-down. Semi-recommended, but CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST is still the best of this type.

THE LAST CANNIBAL WORLD See: CANNIBAL

THE LAST CHASE (1981 CAN US) D/W/P: MARTYN BURKE W: C.R. O’CHRISTOPHER/ROY MOORE P: FRAN ROSATI There’s no petroleum in the North America of the future, so fuel-guzzling cars are outlawed. Ex-racer Lee Majors is a guest lecturer for new energy sources in this dull, ordered society who secretly keeps a red Porsche in pieces in his garage. After seeing a renegade broadcast on his tv he puts it together and pushes pedal-to-the-metal on a high-speed route to California. A young computer whiz-kid wanted for hacking tags along. This decidedly less than kick-ass rebel duo are chased by a jet plane (!) sent by the government. Burgess Meredith co-stars. Awful (and awfully dull) action sci-fi, only of interest to diehard Lee Majors fans (also in The Fall Guy tv series, which debuted the same year). With Alexandra Stewart and Harvey Atkin.

LAST CLEAR CHANCE (1959 US) D: ROBERT CARLISLE W: LELAND BAXTER A real killjoy cop comes over to a teen boy’s house to set him straight on the dangers of driving (particularly over railway crossings) in this great, cautionary colour educational film short.

THE LAST COCKNEY (2002 UK) D/W/P: ROBIN BAZALGETTE This short (about three mins) takes a look at a dying outpost in a sea of trendy new pubs overtaken by pretentious snobs. Some of the dialogue is priceless. I was lucky to catch it and you will, too.

THE LAST DAYS OF BRUCE LEE (1973 HK) In this odd 17 mins documentary we see footage of Bruce at a film studio party as Betty Ting Pei talks about “an ideal party man” and how he was “like a new meteor in the evening skies”, and then some poorly shot footage outside his Hong Kong funeral. The soundtrack is ill-fitting organ-driven rock.

THE LAST DAYS OF PARADISE See: THERE GOES MY BABY

THE LAST DAYS OF PLANET EARTH See: PROPHECIES OF NOSTRADAMUS

THE LAST DINOSAUR (saigo no kyoryu: kyokutei tanken-sen) (1976 US JPN) D: ALEX GRASSHOFF/ TOM KOTANI W: WILLIAM OVERGARD P: ARTHUR RANKIN JR./SAUL BASS In this co-production rip-off of Amicus’ hit Edgar Rice Burroughs adaptations (THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT, AT THE EARTH’S CORE), an expedition to a prehistoric Arctic island use a “polar borer” laser drilling machine (calm down fellow UNKNOWN WORLD/earth drilling sci-fi subgenre fans, this disappointing device is hardly on-screen inaction) to get there. Leading the expedition is an overacting Richard Boone as a belligerent old hunter who promises not to shoot a T-Rex. With him is his very tall black slave tracker Bunta, photojournalist love interest Joan Van Ark, some young guy and scientist Tetsu Nakamura (who doesn’t last long). As well as the expected rubber dinosaurs (courtesy Eiji Tsubaraya’s FX team), they also encounter and fight a tribe of Japanese extras in loincloths (this was not filmed in the Arctic, despite what you may have heard). Less boring than LAND, it’s still overlong (apparently a Japanese version is even longer) yet somewhat amusing hokum. Eventually released as a tv movie in America, it went theatrical everywhere else.

THE LAST DRAGON (berry gordon’s…) (1985 US) D: MICHAEL SCHULTZ W: LOUIS UENOSTA P: RUPERT HITZIG Taimak is a young man in Harlem obsessed with Bruce Lee, martial arts and who’s trying to be the best fighter he can. Julius J. Carry III is his rival Sho Nuff, “the shogun of Harlem” who forces him to fight. Vanity is the tv rock video host and love interest. I liked the scene where Carry tries to make Taimak (“Bruce LeRoy”) fight during a screening of ENTER THE DRAGON at a packed, loud NYC theatre. But after that it gets more and more formulaic. It’s not bad mindless entertainment with dated 80s dancing and fashions, Taimak in a yellow jumpsuit and eating popcorn with chopsticks, and check out a young William H. Macy in a small part. By the way, Motown Records founder Gordy was an executive producer. With Mike Starr, Keshis Knight Pulliam, Chazz Palimentri and Andre Rosey Brown.

LAST DROP OF BLOOD (ju se) (2003 JPN) D/W: YASUSHI AKIMOTO P: YUJI ISHIDA/HIRONAWA KURAKI/ KUMIKO ISONO This begins with Noritake Kinashi pulling off a ballsy hit of major yakuza players with scuba gear and a machine-gun in a restaurant. Someone is trying to provoke a gang war between the eastern and western gangs. Takashi Ishibashi is an ex-gangster going straight as a salaryman (with his wife Reiko Takashima) who’s drawn back into the world for his friend Naoki Hosaki. Keizo Kanie is an annoying, nosy, troublemaking cop with a scruffy Columbo look. With Shingo Tsurumi, Tamao Sato, Shuji Kashiwabara, Noritake Kinashi, Guts Ishimatsu, Renji Ishibashi, Minoru Terada and Ken Utsui. Not a bad little gangster drama ends with a guntoting massacre at a golf club. Director/screenwriter Akimoto is most famous for being a songwriter and producing tv shows for comedians (many of the cast are known as popular comedians in Japan).

LAST EXIT TO EARTH (dark planet) (1996 US) D/W: KATT SHEA W: KATHERINE MARTIN/RACHEL SAMUELS P: DARIN SPILLMAN In the year 2500, surgeons can remove the gene that causes aggression in men, thus resulting in less war and destruction. But it also results in a lack of virility, so the human race is in danger of extinction. Kim Greist leads an expedition through time in a spaceship to get some 22nd century male specimens in order to extract their semen. Terrorists led by Costas Mandylor disturb the proceedings by wanting to release some kind of virus. I liked the scenes where future men are made to lift weights and watch macho action films with flashing “you are virile” subliminal messages. But most of the potential satirical angles are squandered in favour of generic running-around-spaceship-corridors action stuff. With Rosemary Dunsmore, Robert Peters and Shea. Roger Corman was executive producer.

THE LAST EXORCISM (le dernier exorcisme) (2010 US FRA) D: DANIEL STAMM W: HUCK BOTKO/ ADREW GURLAND P: ERIC NEWMAN/ELI ROTH/ MARC ABRAHAM/THOMAS A. BLISS A Baton Rouge preacher and exorcist, who seems to have lost his faith, takes a documentary film crew to a farm in Georgia to show how he tricks people into believing what he does is real. A teenage girl, who may be mutilating livestock, is “cured” as per her father’s wishes. But all is not so clear-cut. Another in the BLAIR WITCH found footage tradition of recent horrors (a financially sound proposition where a low-budget can be considered in its favour), it’s reasonably engaging if you’re not sick to the back teeth with the gimmick already. It all gets pretty silly and unconvincing by the end, however. Even the filmmakers lack the courage of their convictions, with very non-vérité sound FX and mood music intruding often. But it made a bundle, so THE LAST EXORCISM PART II followed in 2013.

THE LAST HARD MEN (1976 US) D: ANDREW V. McLAGLEN W: GUERDON TRUEBLOOD P: WALTER SELTZER/RUSSELL THATCHER Unusual turn of the century western has Indian half-breed thief and killer James Coburn leading a gang of desert scum who’ve escaped from a railroad chain gang. Charlton Heston is the retired sheriff who put him away, so Coburn’s gang kidnap his daughter (Barbara Hershey) and in one scene threaten to gang-rape her to draw Heston into the open. It’s a shame the results are so mediocre. Christopher Mitchum co-stars. With Michael Parks (current sheriff), Jorge Rivero (later the star of CONQUEST), Larry Wilcox, Riley Hill and Ron Perlman in his feature debut. Based on Brian Garfield’s novel Gun Down (Garfield wrote the book that DEATH WISH was based on), it also features the use of bloody-squib gunshot wounds (post-Peckinpah). Jerry Goldsmith’s music from the 1966 version of STAGECOACH and 100 RIFLES is reused.

LAST HERO IN CHINA (claws of steel; deadly china hero; tie ji dou wu gong; wong fei hung tsi tit gai dai ng gung) (1993 HK) D/W: “BARRY WONG” (WONG JING) P: STEPHEN SHIU Jet Li returns as Wong Fei Hung in this likeable spin-off from the ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA series. The plot concerns corrupt politicians and a slavery racket, and a medicine that makes kids deaf. But I imagine you’ll be watching it for the Yuen Woo Ping choreographed action, the highlight being a scene on a suspended wooden walkway and the centipede lion dance. Li gets to perform drunken boxing and wear a chicken outfit, and there’s even a musical number. With Alan Chui Chung San, Leung Kar Yan, Julie Lee, Nat Chan Pak Cheung, Sharla Cheung Man, Gordon Liu Chia Hui, Anita Yuen, Yuen King Tan, veteran director Wong Tin Lam, Shut Ma Wa Lung, Chung Fat, Yuen Miu and Jue Tit Woh.

THE LAST HORROR FILM (fanatic; fanatical extreme) (1981 US) D/W/P: DAVID WINTERS W/P: JUDD HAMILTON W: TOM KLASSEN Joe Spinnell is a NYC taxi driver who lives with his (real) mother in a tenement apartment. He dreams of being a successful horror director with actress Jana Bates (Caroline Munro with streaked hair) in his movie. He travels to the 1981 Cannes film festival and stalks her. He’s the main suspect when various characters are killed off. Seeing a psychotic Spinnell running around the star-studded festival is amusing to begin with, but this stupid film wears out its welcome pretty fast. Hamilton (who also wrote the Munro/Spinnell vehicle STARCRASH) is Munro’s real-life husband and acts as her director/Svengali here. Spinnell didn’t get another starring role until THE UNDERTAKER/DEATH MERCHANT in 1988.

THE LAST HOUR See: CONCRETE WAR

THE LAST HOUSE ON DEAD END STREET (the fun house; the cuckoo clocks of hell; at the hours of our death) (1973 US) D/W/P: “VICTOR JANOS” “BRIAN LAURENCE” “NORMAN F. KAISER” (ROGER MICHAEL WATKINS) Watkins (who later directed several porno titles as “Richard Mahler”) stars (as “Steve Morrison”) as a guy just out of prison who enlists the help of several undesirable types and some young girls to make what are essentially snuff movies for an elite clientele. That is basically the plot of this unforgettable trip of a movie that’s deeply unsettling, ludicrous, scary, silly, laughable and horrific (and a few other things) all at the same time. What makes it unique is the choppy, surreal way in which the story unfolds and the intensity of the cast which is either incredibly amateurish or outstandingly professional. An unseen word-of-mouth cult item for years until a recent exhaustive two-disc dvd package from Barrel Entertainment (with a nice booklet from long-time fan David Kerekes) gave you all you could ever possibly want to know about Watkins. Quite why it works so well and what’s intentional or not is still largely unclear, but it doesn’t really matter, You should see this. There’s slaughterhouse footage, very weird dialogue (dubbed-in loudly) and an unsettling woman-in-blackface SM party excerpt.

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE BEACH See: TERROR (1978)

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (grim company; krug & company; sex crime of the century) (1972 US) D/W: WES CRAVEN P: SEAN S. CUNNINGHAM Infamous revenge movie based on Ingmar Bergman’s THE VIRGIN SPRING (1960) has some nice touches of humour (I liked the “you’d think she was the only girl…” cliché opening) and it is still relatively shocking, but it was the effective ad campaign (originated with COLOR ME BLOOD RED, and probably stolen from STRAIT JACKET) that made this such a hit first time around. Now its infamy shifts units. Looking at it nowadays it stands up as a sleazy horror flick with rape and chainsaws, but not really that much better than many others made all over the world, and is certainly no classic. David Hess (who sings the theme tune) is very much the iconic ultra-psycho Krug, though. Martin Kove and Jeramie Rain have parts, too. Gore scenes that used to be edited out later turned up as “snuff movie clips” in the dubious “documentary” CONFESSIONS OF A BLUE MOVIE STAR (1978). THE HILLS HAVE EYES is Craven’s classic. Remade.

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (2008 US) D: DENNIS ILIADIS W: ADAM ALLECA/CARL ELLSWORTH P: WES CRAVEN/SEAN S. CUNNINGHAM/MARIANNE MADDALENA Sara Paxton is the virginal teen who runs afoul of Krug (Garret Dillahunt) and Co while on vacation in this remake (shot in South Africa). Tony Goldwyn and Monica Potter are the parents who take their revenge when the sex criminals turn up at their lakehouse. It’s pointless to compare this very serious and calculated version with a slapdash 1972 exploitation movie that became notorious unintentionally. Taken on its own terms, it’s well-crafted and surprisingly relevant (with a few ideas swiped from original LAST HOUSE rip-off THE HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK), a solid thriller/horror. The very last scene, while an amusing gore moment, doesn’t belong, though. With Spencer Treat Clark, Michael Bowen and Joshua Cox.

LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT 2 See: A BAY OF BLOOD

THE LAST HUNTER (hunter of the apocalypse; l’ultimo cacciatore) (1980 ITL) D: “ANTHONY DAWSON” (ANTONIO MARGHERITI) W: DARDANO SACCHETTI W/P: GIANFRANCO COUYOUMDJIAN David Warbeck stars in this ’nam pic that rips off APOCALYPSE NOW and THE DEER HUNTER (1978) (a lot). However, it’s also pretty entertaining. Carbon-copy Italian trash at its most enjoyable. With Tisa Farrow, Joh Steiner, Alan Collins, Bobby Rhodes, Al Yamanouchi, Luciano Pigozzi and Massimo Vanni.

LAST HURRAH FOR CHIVALRY (ho hao; hao xia) (1979 HK) D/W/P: JOHN WOO Fans of new wave Hong Kong action of the 80s (and heroic bloodshed) who only know of Woo from his bullet ballets like THE KILLER should find this earlier swordplay classic a major work in his filmography and a good place to begin an appreciation of old-school kung fu movies. Fung Hak On (who also appears), Huang Ha and Alan Chui Chung San provide the masterful fight choreography. With Damian Lau, Lee Hoi Sang, Lau Kong, Hsu Hsia, Chin Yuet San, Cheng Lui and Wong Kwong Yue.

THE LAST KILL (1996 US) D/W/P: RIFF KAHN Unwatchable no-budget junk about some cops after a long-haired, unshaven killer of prostitutes. Several scenes of lengthy dialogue were accidentally repeated in the print I saw. Jan-Michael Vincent and Joe Estevez have cameos as an angry police captain and political candidate.

LAST LINE OF DEFENCE 2 See: EXTREME HONOR

LAST LIVES (1996 US) D: WORTH KEETER W: DAN DULING P: STEVE BESWICK Sensitive bride-to-be Jennifer Rubin is somehow in contact with a criminal from a parallel dimension. The long-haired, muscular death row convict somehow breaks through to this world with the help of scientist Judge Reinhold and kidnaps his “true love” from the altar. The groom, C. Thomas Howell, gives chase after recovering from fatal gunshot wounds, thanks to Reinhold’s rejuvenating “lifebands”. There’s a long car chase and some action but this doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense. Phil Smoot was production manager.

THE LAST MAN ON EARTH (l’ultimo uomo della terra) (1964 ITL) D: UBALDO RAGONA W: “LOGAN SWANSON” (RICHARD MATHESON)/WILLIAM P. LEICESTER/FURIO MIMENOTTI P: ROBERT L. LIPPERT Matheson adapted his great 1954 novel I Am Legend into a screenplay for Hammer in 1957. It ended up being made in Italy for AIP and the results are excellent. Watching the underrated b/w LAST MAN ON EARTH will make you think of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and RABID. Vincent Price is the only human left. He barricades himself in his house at night with garlic and mirrors on the doors to prevent zombie-like vampires (who talk) from getting in. A long flashback shows how the plague began. During the day, Price (who’s very good) drives around staking the creatures through the heart as they rest. He burns the bodies in a big pit. With Giacomo Rossi-Stuart and an overwhelming sense of dread and sadness that puts it in the classic horror category. THE OMEGA MAN was the more famous, more expensive and much less imaginative remake.

LAST MAN STANDING (1996 US) D/W/P: JOSEPH MERHI P: RICHARD PEPIN Jeff Wincott is a cop after bank robbers and corrupt policemen on their payroll in this typical action release from PM Entertainment. With Jonathan Banks, Robert LaSardo, Steve Eastin and Michael Greene. Wincott was also a Co-producer.

LAST MAN STANDING (1996 US) D/W/P: WALTER HILL P: ARTHUR SARKISSIAN It’s another version of YOJIMBO (Kurosawa gets an original story credit) but is closer in spirit to Dashiell Hammett’s classic trendsetting 1929 hard-boiled novel Red Harvest (Kurosawa’s supposed influence), with a lot of FISTFUL OF DOLLARS thrown in. Bruce Willis is a drifter who drives into a small Texas bordertown during Prohibition and plays rival Chicago syndicate bootlegger gangs against each other. Christopher Walken is a scarred hitman and Bruce Dern is the lazy corrupt sheriff. Unfortunately, the biggest surprise is David Patrick Kelley, who’s great as one of the gang bosses. But it’s not a very inspired action movie that borrows from better westerns, film noir and Hong Kong heroic bloodshed entries. With William Sanderson, Michael Imperioli, Ken Jenkins, Patrick Kilpatrick, Reiner Schone, Lin Shaye, Thomas Rosales Jr. and Michael Lerner. They didn’t use Tiny Ron much. Music by Ry Cooder. We are still waiting for a solid, official Red Harvest adaptation (the closest we’ve got is MILLER’S CROSSING), but Hammett’s other Continental Op protagonist novel did become THE DAIN CURSE.

THE LAST MOVIE (chinchero) (1970 US) D/W: DENNIS HOPPER W: STEWART STERN P: PAUL LEWIS/ BOB RAFAELSON After the surprise success of EASY RIDER, Hopper got to make anything he wanted, so the self-destructive, drug-addled crazy took a bunch of friends down to Peru to shoot a megapretentious flop that put a stop to his directing career for a decade. It’s a long and sometimes tough to sit through 110 mins, but it’s also got some great moments that make it more than worthwhile. Hopper is a stuntman for a Hollywood picture being shot in Peru (by Sam Fuller) who decides to stay behind after the shoot. The locals mimic the Hollywood set with cameras and tripods made from bamboo while an out-of-it Don Gordon searches for gold. There’s more (none of it cohesive or linear) but this works best on the level of a Werner Herzog movie. Some people you may not recognise are Peter Fonda, John Phillip Law, Dean Stockwell, Russ Tamblyn, Toni Basil, Rod Cameron, Sylvia Miles, Michelle Phillips, Severn Darden, Henry Jaglom (who directed Hopper in the amazing TRACKS) and James Mitchum. You’ll recognise Kris Kristofferson (he’s also on the soundtrack), Julie Adams and Thomas Milian (as a priest). With Michael Anderson Jr. and Chuck Bail (also stunt coordinator). Back in America, some filmmakers documented Hopper editing this (among other things) for the voyeuristic yet dull documentary THE AMERICAN DREAMER (1971). Hopper’s next as director was the excellent, underrated OUT OF THE BLUE (1980).

THE LAST NINJA (1983 US) D: WILLIAM A. GRAHAM W: EDWARD SPIELMAN P: ANTHONY SPINNER Boring tv series pilot (that went nowhere) has a secret ninja raised by Japanese-Americans rescuing hostages from a skyscraper. With Richard Lynch, John Larroquette, Nancy Kwan, Mako, Carmen Argenziano, Sho Kosugi, Robin Gammell and Irene Tedrow.

THE LAST OF THE COWBOYS See: THE GREAT SMOKEY ROADBLOCK

LAST OF THE WILD HORSES (1948 US) D: ROBERT L. LIPPERT W: JACK HARVEY P: CARL K. HITTLEMAN James Ellison stars as the cowboy hero in this b/w western with a typical case of mistaken identity plot. It’s been ridiculed on MST3K, but is no worse than a hundred other horse operas. The whole cast of familiar B actors is as follows: Mary Beth Hughes, Jane Frazee, Douglas Dunbrille, James Millican, Reed Hadley, Olin Howlin, Grady Sutton, William Haadle, Rory Mallinson and Stanley Andrews. It was the sole directorial credit for busy Poverty Row producer Lippert.

THE LAST ORGY OF THE THIRD REICH See: THE GESTAPO’S LAST ORGY

THE LAST PATROL (1999 US ISR) D: SHELDON LETTICH W: STEPHEN J. BRACKLEY/PAMELA K. LONG P: JACOB and HANNAN KOTZKY In the future (sometime soon after 2000) a 9.5 earthquake splits California from the US. Ex-military officer Dolph Lundgren is the head of a camp of survivors on this new island. A rival camp has workers hooked on a strange drug and want Lundgren’s water supply. Technically Lettich can direct and the result is a polished looking affair, but everything about this dud screams “time-waster”, and not even a particularly entertaining one. Ishan Golan (who played Uri Geller in MINDBENDER) is in the cast.

LAST PLATOON (angel hill: l’ultima missione) (1988 ITL) D: “PAUL D. ROBINSON” (IGNAZIO DOLCE) W: TITO CARPI P: GIANFRANCO COUYOURNDJAN Grizzled Richard Hatch is approached by Donald Pleasence to put together a squad comprised of pardoned convicts for a mission in this lousy ’nam action movie (filmed in the Philippines). There is a lots of depressing dialogue about “whores”, “sluts” and “slant-eyed bitches”.

THE LAST PREY OF THE VAMPIRE See: THE PLAYGIRLS AND THE VAMPIRE

L.A. STREETFIGHTER See: NINJA TURF

THE LAST SAMURAI (2003 US NZ JPN) D/W/P: ED ZWICK W: JOHN LOGAN W/P: MARSHALL HERSKOVITZ P: TOM CRUISE/TOM ENGELMAN/SCOTT KROOPF Tom Cruise stars as an American cavalry soldier hired by the Japanese government to train its modern army in the use of firearms against an oldfashioned renegade Samurai (Ken Watanabe) and his followers resisting western-influenced progress in 1870s Japan. Surprisingly historically accurate (to a certain degree), but so loaded with Hollywood clichés that it’s difficult for me to get too excited about it. With Billy Connolly, Timothy Spall, Hiroyuki Sanada, William Atherton, Chad Lindberg, Koyuki, Shun Sugata, Masato Harada, Tony Goldwyn, Shin Koyamada, Scott Wilson and Shane Kosugi. The actor who plays the Emperor looks uncannily like Sam Lee, but it isn’t.

THE LAST SEDUCTION (lady poison) (1994 US) D: JOHN DAHL W: STEVE BARANCIK P: JONATHAN SHESTACK After the derivative KILL ME AGAIN and the more enjoyable RED ROCK WEST, Dahl finally got noticed for this fine slice of neo-noir starring the perfectly cast Linda Fiorentino as an NYC femme fatale con woman on the run from husband Bill Pullman. On the way to Chicago she tricks smalltown guy Peter Berg into mudering Pullman. This HBO movie was so good that it played theatres after its network premiere. With J.T. Walsh, Bill Nunn, Dean Norris and Jack Shearer. MISTRESS OF SEDUCTION was a remake from 1998, and LAST SEDUCTION 2 followed in 1999. Dahl made the very different UNFORGETTABLE with Fiorentino next.

THE LAST SEVEN (2010 UK) D: IMRAN NAQVI W: JOHN STANLEY P: TOBY MEREDITH/SIMON PHILLIPS/PATRICIA RYBARCZYK A bunch of strangers wake-up with amnesia in a seemingly deserted London (the opening scenes of the city inspired by 28 DAYS LATER). Brief visions help put the puzzle together, but it ain’t worth waiting for, especially in the company of these charmless characters. With Tamer Hassan, producer Phillips (as a man called William Blake), Sebastian Street and a laughable cameo from Danny Dyer (who narrates). REEKER was a much better film.

THE LAST SHARK (great white; jaws returns; shark; l’ultimo squalo) (1982 ITL) D: ENZO G. CASTELLARI W: MARK PRINCI/RAMON BRAVO (uncredited) P: MAURIZIO AMATI/UGO TUCCI This JAWS rip-off was actually pulled from theatres in the US after Universal obtained an injunction due to plot similarities. To be fair I’ve seen much closer imitations and this didn’t deserve to be boycotted (apart from grounds of quality). James Franciscus is the hero and Vic Morrow (doing a very strange accent, the same year he died on the TWILIGHT ZONE set) gets the Robert Shaw role. A man is ripped in half by the unconvincing plastic beast and stock footage threatens a windsurfing regatta. With Ennio Girolami, Massimo Vanni and Romano Puppo.

LAST SOLDIER See: THE FINAL EXECUTIONER

LAST STAND (atomic mission) (1999 US CZE) D/P: LLOYD A. SIMANDL W: CHRISTOPHER HYDE Somewhere in Hell there’s a screening room where an endless loop of Simandl’s films are shown. This one seems like a distillation of scenes from his earlier films. So it’s “pure” crap. Kate Rodger works in a mine, crawling around in skimpy outfits (just like in LETHAL TARGET). Then she’s sent off to a dying Earth to stop some dictator. A resistance group helps her run around endless corridors and engage in lacklustre gunfights. This is “spiced up” (yeah, right) with unappealing sex scenes and a female sex slave auction (just like DARK CONFESSIONS). Simandl must die! With Borivoj Navratil, Michael Rogers and Vladimira Kopal.

LAST STOP ON THE NIGHT TRAIN See: NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS

LAST SUMMER See: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

LAST SUMMER 2 See: I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

THE LAST SUNSET (1961 US) D: ROBERT ALDRICH W: DALTON TRUMBO P: EUGENE FRENKE/EDWARD LEWIS Rock Hudson tracks killer Kirk Douglas across the west in this fine adaption of Howard Rigsby’s novel Sundown At Crazy Horse. They both end up escorting Joseph Cotten’s cattle drive and fighting over his wife (Dorothy Malone). What begins as a solid yet regular oater soon develops into a decidedly offbeat item with some real surprises. With Neville Brand, Jack Elam, Carol Lynley, Regis Toomey, Margarito Luana, José Torvay and Manuel Vergaro Manver. Aldrich is a familiar cult name who helmed the likes of KISS ME DEADLY and ALL THE MARBLES… (1981), but Trumbo wrote SPARTACUS, EXECUTIVE ACTION and directed the underappreciated JOHNNY GOT HIS GUN.

THE LAST SUPPER (1995 US) D: STACY TITLE W: DAN ROSEN P: MATT COOPER/LARRY WEINBERG Honour students accidentally kill a racist bigot (Bill Paxton) at the dinner table one evening. After deciding that they did the world a favour, Cameron Diaz, Annabeth Gish, Ron Eldard, Jonathan Penner and Courtney B. Vance decide to make it a regular event. Various opinionated reactionaries are invited (Charles Durning as a homophobic priest for example) and given poison if their views are politically incorrect. Well-done black comedy focuses on the moral dilemmas of such action, but don’t expect anything deeper than cartoonish two-dimensional characters. With Ron Perlman, Nora Dunn, Mark Harmon, Rosen, Cooper, Weinberg, Jason Alexander, Warren Hutcherson, Amy Kill and Elisabeth Moss.

THE LAST SURVIVOR See: CANNIBAL

LAST TOMB OF LIGEIA See: THE TOMB OF LIGEIA

THE LAST TRAIN See: CRUEL EARTH

LAST VICTIM OF THE VAMPIRE See: THE PLAYGIRLS AND THE VAMPIRE

THE LAST WARNING See: LEGEND OF THE 7 GOLDEN VAMPIRES

THE LAST WAVE (1977 AUSL) D/W: PETER WEIR W: TONY MORPHETT/PETRU PROPESCU P: HAL McELROY/ JIM McELROY After his first two movies (THE CARS THAT ATE PARIS and PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK), Weir’s career peaked with this scary eco-horror/disaster film. Richard Chamberlain is a lawyer defending Aborigine David Gulpili (WALKABOUT) from a murder charge. All is not as it seems as Chamberlain gets more and more involved in ancient tribal rituals, suffers hallucinations and learns of the destruction of humankind by a huge tidal wave. It’s implied apocalyptic ending is terrifying. A unique classic for those looking for something different.

LAST WOMAN ON EARTH (1960 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: ROBERT TOWNE Apparently Corman was in Puerto Rico preparing THE BATTLE OF BLOOD ISLAND (in which he has a cameo), and so decided to shoot this (and then CREATURE FROM THE HAUNTED SEA, with the same cast) there. It’s a good example of his minimal, economical yet solid and inspired directorial style. Business tycoon Anthony Carbone and his wife (Betsy Jones-Moreland) are on vacation. Along with them is his lawyer (screenwriter Towne, working on his first movie, credited as “Edward Wain”) giving him legal advice. While the three are out diving in the sea one day, an unseen nuclear apocalypse occurs, with them the only three survivors. As you might expect with this testosteroneheavy triangle, tensions develop. It’s 64 mins long and thoroughly engaging, with Towne’s (sometimes awkward but) thoughtful dialogue propelling it along. It’s in colour, but many would see it on tv in b/w. From AIP.

L A TAKEDOWN (l a crimewave; made in l a) (1989 US) D/W: MICHAEL MANN P: PATRICK MARKEY Mediocre, failed tv series pilot about an obsessive cop trying to find the gang behind an armoured car heist is mainly of interest because it provides the blueprint for Mann’s later, excellent big-budget hit HEAT (1995). Some scenes are copied exactly. With Alex McArthur, Michael Rooker, Daniel Baldwin, Xander Berkeley, Juan Fernandez, Peter Dobson, Sam Jones and Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa.

LATE NIGHT TRAINS See: NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS

LAUGH, CLOWN, LAUGH (1928 US) D/P: HERBERT BRENON W: ELIZABETH MEEHAN P: IRVING G. THALBERG In this classic b/w silent tragedy, Lon Chaney plays Flik the Clown. Fourteen-year-old Loretta Young is the abandoned little girl whom he raises to be a tightrope walker, and falls in love with. Nils Ashter is a wealthy playboy with a laughing disorder who also falls for Young. Adapted from a play by David Belasco and Tom Cushing, it has a contrived, predictable plot, but is beautifully told. The ending, involving a death-defying slide trick is pretty powerful stuff. With Bernard Siegel, Cissy Fitzgerald, Gwen Lee, Leo Feodoroff and Emmett King. James Wong Howe was the cinematographer.

THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN (an investigation of murder) (1973 US) D/P: STUART ROSENBERG W: THOMAS RICKMAN Semi-documentary style thriller based on a novel by Per Wahloo and Maj Sjowall stars Walter Matthau and Bruce Dern as opposed San Francisco cops trying to solve a case where service bus passengers (including Matthau’s old partner) were machine-gunned to death. Apart from the obligatory 70s car chase, this very low-key and deliberately paced gem is a pleasure to watch thanks to Matthau and Dern (both at their best), and the final punchline is great. A fine supporting cast doesn’t hurt either: Lou Gossett Jr., Anthony Zerbe, Paul Koslo, Cathy Lee Crosby, Joanna Cassidy, Matt Clark and Clifton James.

LAURA (1944 US) D/P: OTTO PREMINGER W: JAY DRATIER/SAMUEL HOFFENSTEIN/BETTY REINHARDT/ RING LARDNER (uncredited) Classic b/w murder mystery has New York detective Dana Andrews developing a love for beautiful Gene Tierney. Trouble is he’s a little late and is in fact investigating her murder; he has is a beautiful portrait of her hanging in her apartment. Great story (based on Vera Caspary’s novel) with cracking dialogue, and what a cast: Vincent Price, Judith Anderson, Cy Kendall, Grant Mitchell, Dorothy Adams, Lane Chandler, Dorothy Christi, Ralph Dunn, James Flavin, William Forrest, Frank LaRue, Forbes Murray, Allen Pringle, Cyril Ring and Harry Strang. Rouben Mamoulian was the original director, but did very little.

LAW AND SOCIAL CONTROLS (1949 US) The teen canteen committee can’t decide whether they should close earlier (10:30) on weeknights or not. A meeting with a lawyer (!) helps straighten things out. The narrator reminds us how important it is to follow and obey formal and “social control” laws in this tiring 10 mins b/w class ed film.

THE LAW ENFORCER (huang jia fan; wong ga faa) (1986 HK) D/W: DANNY LEE W: EDWARD LEUNG/ RUDOLF CHIU P: FRANKIE CHAN A discharged cop (Lung Ming-Yan) can’t seem to help himself being a vigilante (that is when he’s not jogging everywhere). He eventually helps Inspector Danny Lee catch some violent jewel thieves (including big Shing Fui-On, with a fake moustache, as Bad Brain). Boring crap from Always Good (should that be Always Dull?) Films, full of annoying righteous, boring characters. With Parkman Wong, Ricky Yi, Ken Lo, Ben Lam (as a policeman called Bitch!?). future director Fruit Chan (an assistant director, as was Ha Sau-Hin of JAILHOUSE EROS [1990] fame), Ngai Tim-Choi, Wong Chi-Wai (also the action choreographer), Dang Taai-Wah, Ng Kwok-Kin, Ling Chi-Kung and Cheung Ke-Sang. It’s dedicated to the Royal Hong Kong Police.

LAWMAN (1971 US) D/P: MICHAEL WINNER W: GERALD WILSON Burt Lancaster is a strict, by-the-numbers lawman who comes into a small town looking for some high profile citizens who accidentally gunned down a man during a drinking spree in another town. The locals all turn against him in this well made but slow-moving and unsatisfying western. Robert Ryan is the dried-up, paid-off marshall. With Lee. J. Cobb, Robert Duvall, Sheree North, Albert Salmi, Ralph Waite, Richard Jordan, John Beck, Walter Brooke, Roy Engel and Wilford Brimley.

THE LAWNMOWER MAN (virtual wars) (1992 US UK) D/W: BRETT LEONARD W/P: GIMEL EVERRETT Pierce Brosnan is a scientist who turns retarded oddjob man Jeff Fahey into a genius via virtual reality. Of course Fahey becomes dangerously megalomaniacal in this ridiculous and overlong attempt at updating CHARLY (1968). It’s supposed to be based on Stephen King’s story, but isn’t really. This review refers to the painful director’s cut. With Geoffrey Lewis, Dean Norris, Jeremy Slate, Troy Evans and Michael Gregory. Milton Subotsky was co-producer.

LAWNMOWER MAN 2: BEYOND CYBERSPACE (virtual wars 2) (1996 US UK JPN) D: FARHAD MANN W: MICHAEL MINER P: KEITH FOX/EDWARD SIMONS Matt Frewer takes over from Fahey as Jobe, who’s resurrected as a wisecracking computer whiz creating his own cyberspace that will take over the (future) world thanks to a new revolutionary computer chip. A corporate villain backs him and Patrick Bergin looks silly as the reclusive back-to-nature designer of the chip. Austin O’Brien leads a pack of street kids (who will all have dirt on their face in the future). Also in the future we have cyber sword fights. It’s pretty silly and kinda boring.

THE LAW OF THE DESERT (beyond justice; desert law; desert soldier; il principe del deserto; maktub la legge del deserto) (1989 ITL GER) D: DUCCIO TESSARI W: ADRIANO BOLZONI/ SERGIO DONATI/LUIGI MONTEFIORE/LUCIANO VINCENZONI After her son is kidnapped from New York and taken to Morocco to become a prince by father Kabir Bedi and grandfather Omar Sharif, wealthy Carol Alt hires ’nam vet and ex-CIA mercenary Rutger Hauer to rescue him. Originally a tv miniseries, this slow, talk-filled desert action thriller (with little action) was edited down into an (overlong) two-hour feature. Parts with Cameron Mitchell and Stewart Bick were cut out of this version. But it still has Brett Halsey and Elliott Gould. Co-writer Montefiore is aka George Eastman. The score is by Ennio Morricone. Sharif says “A democracy always gives in”.

LAW WITH TWO PHASES (gung buk; gong pu) (1984 HK) D/W: DANNY LEE W: HOH HONG-KIU P: GUY LAI/FRANKIE CHAN Well respected but not really very exciting or memorable cops’n’robbers drama stars Danny Lee as a somewhat corrupt cop at CID who takes green Eddie Chan under his wing. I just watched it and already forgot the story, but I recall Lee accidentally shoots a little boy dead at one point (the only really surprising moment, soon forgotten!). With Tai Bo, John Chung-Sing, Ouyang Shafei as Lee’s mother, Johnny Cheung Wa, Shing Fui-On, Joe Chu and Tony Leung Hung-Wah. Jamie Luk was production manager and Parkman Wong was assistant director. It’s from the wonderfully named Always Good Films Co. Ltd!

THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN (league of legend) (2003 US GER UK CZECH REPUBLIC) D: STEPHEN NORRINGTON W: JAMES DALE ROBINSON P: DON MURPHY/TREVOR ALBERT Allan Quatermain (Sean Connery) is asked to join the title organisation to save the British Empire from a madman (The Phantom) intent on starting a world war at the turn of the 20th century. The other fictional literary characters in this league are Captain Nemo (Naseeruddin Shah), the invisible man (Tony Curran), Dorian Gray (Stuart Townsend), Tom Sawyer (Shane West) and Peta Wilson is one of the Harker girls from Dracula. Jason Flemyng’s Dr. Jekyll turns into a pretty cool, big Hyde monster (not unlike the Hulk). They travel in Nemo’s (huge) Nautilus submarine. As mindless, expensive FX-laden adventures go, it’s quite a lot of fun. This is at least what I thought before I read the superb Alan Moore and Kevin O. Neill graphic novel on which it is (very loosely) based. And then I felt very short-changed indeed. A similar thing happened with FROM HELL. With David Hemmings, Richard Roxburgh, Max Ryan and Marek Vasut. Ends with a set-up for a sequel that never happened. Incidentally, fans of the LXG comics should also read über-fan Jess Nevins’ annotations (either the books from Monkeybrain Books, or the free online versions) to fully digest everything, and which serve as a portal to another world of fantasy fiction (Nevins is also the author of The Encyclopedia of Fantasy Victoriana). All of this reading is time better spent than on watching the film.

LEAPIN’ LEPRECHAUNS! (1995 US) D/W: TED NICOLAU W: MICHAEL McGANN P: OANA AND VLAD PAUNESCU Full Moon’s kids’ movie branch Moonbeam Entertainment released this family fantasy from the director of the SUBSPECIES series. John Bluthal is an Irish castle caretaker who’s lured away to America by his ambitious son so land development can begin on Fairy Hill. But a bunch of leprechauns (one is ex-DOCTOR WHO Sylvester McCoy) and fairies come along to set things right. Based on an idea by executive producer Charles Band, it’s pretty much useless cable filler, if maybe a little more watchable than most. I liked the animated skull-faced cloud, but the skeletal horde’s plastic masks were pretty crappy. Naturally there was a sequel, SPELLBREAKER, SECRET OF THE LEPRECHAUNS (1996).

LEATHER AND WHIPS See: AMUCK

LEATHERFACE: TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3 (1990 US) D: JEFF BURR W: DAVID J. SCHOW P: ROBERT ENGELMAN This is the best of the sequels, but that’s not really saying much. The female lead and her boyfriend are hunted by the cannibal clan while travelling cross-country. Leatherface (who has a new gold chainsaw with “the saw is family” inscribed on the blade) is more like a kid here, and there’s some other new members of the family, including a little girl and Viggo Mortensen as Tex. At least grampa’s back (along with grandma in a wheelchair with a voicebox). With Marilyn Burns. In the full director’s cut there are some choice gore scenes that make it worthwhile. But most people will see the tame reedited and reshot version put together by New Line after Burr was fired. Kane Hodder (Jason in some FRIDAY THE 13TH sequels) was stunt co-ordinator. RETURN OF THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE followed (unfortunately).

THE LEATHERWOMAN See: JILL RIPS

LEAVE HER TO HEAVEN (1945 US) D: JOHN M. STAHL W: JO SWERLING P: WILLIAM A. BACHER Gene Tierney is the homicidally obsessive and jealous wife of writer Cornel Wilde in this almost lurid Technicolor trash melodrama favourite. Darryl Hickman ends up in the lake (beautiful locations by the way) and Jeanne Craine and Vincent Price are other top names. With Ray Collins, Milton Parsons, Chill Wills, Reed Hadley, Gene Lockhart, Ruth Clifford, Harry Depp, Paul Everton, Jim Farley, Mae Marsh, Grant Mitchell, Addison Richards and Charles Tannen. Based on Ben Ames Williams’ novel, and remade for tv as TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE in 1998.

LEAVING SCARS (1997 US) D: BRAD JACQUES W/P: MARC JOHNSON Lisa Boyle is an up’n’coming actress who gets involved with gangsters and crooked movie types in this God-awful action flick filled with annoying characters and bad gunfire FX. Boyle gets naked if you’re interested.

THE LEECH WOMAN (1960 US) D: EDWARD DEIN W: DAVID DUNCAN/BEN PIVAR/FRANCIS ROSENWALD P: JOSEPH GERSHENSON Phillip Terry is a scientist who neglects his ageing alcoholic wife Coleen Gray, while requiring her to come to the jungles of Africa with him to obtain a special compound that slows down the ageing process (and also reverses it for a while). But back in the States she still needs to suck on the pineal glands of some victims to keep her beauty. It’s a nice idea with potential (you can imagine Larry Cohen remaking it) but plays like a standard, very average b/w B programmer. With Gloria Talbott, Grant Williams, John Van Dreelen, Murray Alper and Harry Goodwin.

THE LEGACY (the legacy of maggie walsh) (1978 UK US) D: RICHARD MARQUAND W: JIMMY SANGSTER/ PATRIC TILLEY/PAUL WHEELER P: DAVID FOSTER Katharine Ross and husband Sam Elliott are designer/architects from California, who go to the English countryside on a job. After a motorcycle accident they end up in a big stately home where a dying bedridden man (John Standing) has asked an assortment of odd types (including Roger Daltrey) to be at his side while he decides who is going to be his successor. It turns out to be Ross of course, but what she’s inherited is never made clear. Before she accepts her fate she attempts to escape with Elliott as characters die in mysterious circumstances (the surface of a swimming pool solidifies, for instance). Senseless drivel. With Ian Hogg, Charles Gray, Lee Montague and Marianne Broome.

LEGAL INNOCENCE (yung shut kei ngon; rong shi ji an) (1993 HK) D/P: CHA CHUEN YEE W/P: RICO CHUNG W: LAM KEE-TO/CHUNG OI FONG Francis Ng and her man go to prison for life when the remains of a girl are found in a chest at their house. Cecilia Yip is a religious counsellor who falls in love with Wu and succeeds in getting him acquitted, while weird cop Anthony Wong (who’s always worth watching) shows that maybe he should have stayed in prison. This not bad Category III effort has some effective moments but should have ended a few mins earlier with the God’s vengeance electrocution dream sequence. You’ll know what I mean if you watch it. It’s based on the real-life 1989 Patrick Wong case, but disregards the facts for a more cinematic horror movie approach. With Paul Chun Pui. REMAINS OF A WOMAN was the more accurate version from the same year.

LEGAL RAPE See: RAPED BY AN ANGEL

THE LEGEND See: THE LEGEND OF FONG SAI YUK (series)

LEGENDARY PANTY MASK (maboroshi panty) (1991 JPN) D: TAKAFUMI NAGAMINE W: GO NAGAI More mind-numbing garbage from the pen of Go Nagai. Catholic nuns have killed all the menfolk in the wild west town of Tombstone and started a strict school for girls. A leather-panty masked superheroine is their saviour when things get rough. Features a musical finale with a disco version of Ten Little Indians (one character sings in blackface) and appearances by “dangerous comedy” team The Dengeki Network (who eat dry ice). The comparisons with Nagai’s KEKO MASK are obvious except there is no nudity. Has its moments but is mostly dull (at only 60 mins long).

THE LEGENDARY STRIKE (a fist too fast; iron maiden; lang tzu yi chao) (1978 TAI HK) D: HUANG FENG W: KU LUNG P: CHU SHENG-SHI Everyone’s after “Buddha’s relic” (a pearl) and chase around a couple of mixed-up corpses in this confusing all-star kung fu adventure. Paul Chu Kong and Angela Mao are the good guys. Carter Wong, Chan Sing and Casanova Wong (who swings a cool golden metal hand on a chain) are not. With Kam Kong, Mars, Peter Chan Lung, Cheung Ging-Boh (director of THE SHARP FISTS IN KUNG FU [1975]) and Cheung Ying. Forget the plot and enjoy the great fight action (Cham Kam-Chuen and Yuan Fa are credited with the choreography). It was the last of several above average kung fu outings for the director (who frequently cast Mao and Wong).

LEGENDARY WEAPONS OF CHINA (legendary weapons of kung fu; new legendary weapons of kung fu; sap baat baan miu aau; shi ba ban wu yi) (1982 HK) D/W: LIU CHIA LIANG W: LI TAI HANG P: MONA FONG One of the greatest kung fu movies ever made. At the turn of the century a group of pugilists are training their students to be able to withstand the impact of blades and bullets with the help of a monk (Gordon Hui aka Liu Chia Hui in a great performance). Of course this means many men must be sacrificed for the sake of practice. Director Liu Chia Liang stars as a renegade ex-pugilist boxer who realises that all the sacrifices are futile. The group send out a number of assassins to find and kill Liang lest his disbelief spread to others. Liang must defeat his brother (Lau Kar Wing) who leads the pugilists, resulting in an epic final duel containing some breathtaking choreography. Liang is aided by two assassins turned allies, Fu Sheng and Kara Hui. This captivating film contains all manner of duels involving spears, axes, swords, nunchucka etc. The only part that lets it down (for a modern audience who don’t understand the significance) is Kara Hui’s unconvincing “boy” disguise during the first half. With Hsiao Ho, Jue Tit Woh, Wong Ching Ho, Lin Ke Ming and Cheug Chok Chow. Essential.

THE LEGEND LIVES See: MADMAN

LEGEND OF A CHINESE WITCH See: THE BEHEADED 1000

LEGEND OF A FIGHTER (foh yuen gaap; huo yuan jia) (1982 HK) D: YUEN WOO PING W/P: NG SEE YUEN W: LIANG LEE RAN/WONG JING Yasuaki Kurata is a calligraphy teacher who also shows a young bullied brat the ways of kung fu. The boy grows up to be a master of armed combat (Lueng Kar Yan) and folk hero who battles evildoers at the dawn of the 20th century. It may be short on storyline, but the amazing, brutal fight choreograph by Yuen Woo Ping and his crew is laid on thick. The final duel between Yan and Kuarata is incredible, and there are good training scenes too. Underrated gem from the director most famous for DRUNKEN MASTER. With Yuen Yat Choh, Phillip Ko Fei, Brandy Yuen, Charlie Chan, Fung Fung, Lee Ka Ting, Huang Ha, Fung Hak On, San Kuan, Yuen Cheung Yan, Fong Yau and Tai San.

THE LEGEND OF BLOOD CASTLE See: CEREMONIA SANGRIENTA

THE LEGEND OF BLOOD MOUNTAIN See: BLOOD BEAST OF MONSTER MOUNTAIN

THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK (1972 US) D/P: CHARLES B. PIERCE W: EARL E. SMITH I guess there’s a lot of decent nature footage, but this cheap speculation movie about the existence of Bigfoot in Arkansas was a chore to sit through. A narrator attempts to make sense of the endless shots of nothing going on. Occasionally a guy in a bear suit is seen (very far way). There’s a Bigfoot ballad on the soundtrack. Apparently David Hess is one of the actors (the same year as LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT). I suppose it must have been successful because someone followed up with RETURN TO BOGGY CREEK (1977). Pierce’s own official sequel was THE BARBARIC BEAST OF BOGGY CREEK PART 2.

THE “LEGEND OF DINOSAURS” (legend of the dinosaur and giant bird; kyorui kaicho no densetsu) (1977 JPN) D: JUNI KURATA W: MASARU IGAMI/ ISAO MATSUMOTO/IICHIRO OTSU P: KEIICHI HASHIMOTO Sandy Frank Productions managed to import a whole bunch of Japanese fantasy films that were English-dubbed for screening on American tv. It’s a shame that few of them were any good. This very cheap-looking turd involves a couple of dinosaurs that hatch from eggs found on Mt. Fuji. They are destroyed by a volcano at the end. You will have fallen asleep long before then, though. Tsunehiko Watase stars.

LEGEND OF DOOM HOUSE See: MALPERTUIS

THE LEGEND OF FONG SAI YUK (the legend; fong sai yuk; fang shi yu) (1993 HK) D: CORY YUEN KWAI W: JOHN CHAN/KIN-CHUNG KAY ON/CHOI HONG WING P: LEE YEUNG CHUNG Jet Li is the legendary folk hero in this excellent modern martial arts movie. The silly plot is secondary to the many amazing fight scenes and bizarre comedy. Sibelle Hu is excellent as Jet’s mother. With Micelle Reis and Paul Chu Kong. Kwai (NINJA IN THE DRAGON’S DEN) and Yuen Tak choreographed.

THE LEGEND OF FONG SAI YUK 2 (fong sai yuk 2; the legend 2; fong sai yuk chuck chap; fang shi yu xu ji) (1993 HK) D: CORY YUEN KWAI W: JOHN CHAN/KIN-CHUNG KAY ON P: LEE YEUNG CHUNG Lesser but enjoyable wirework-heavy sequel has Jet Li returning as the lovable (if historically inaccurate) lovesick mommy’s boy Fong Sai Yuk. Josephine Siao Fong does a good job replacing Sibelle Hu as Mrs. Fong, and she’s in some good, bizarre comic scenes with executive producer Jet. But the action set pieces are what most are watching it for, and there are a few decent ones that make it worthwhile. With Yuen Kwai (who also choreographed along with Yuen Tak), Michelle Reis and Peter Chan Lung.

LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE (1973 UK US) D: JOHN HOUGH W: RICHARD MATHESON P: ALBERT FENNELL/NORMAN T. HERMAN Superior horror flick has been pretty much undervalued over the years. It could be considered a more fun spin on THE HAUNTING. Clive Revill is a psychic investigator who’s previously spent the night at the infamous “haunted” Hell House and survived physically and mentally. His second team consists of his wife, mediums (including child star Pamela Franklin, shedding her wholesome image here) and Roddy McDowall. Michael Gough appears in the brilliant, odd and memorable ending. With Roland Culver and Peter Bowles. Should definitely be high on horror fans’ lists. Based on Matheson’s novel.

LEGEND OF LONE WOLF See: “LEGEND” WOLF LODGE

THE LEGEND OF MUSASHI See: MUSASHI MIYAMOTO

THE LEGEND OF RON JEREMY See: PORN STAR: THE LEGEND OF RON JEREMY

THE LEGEND OF TARZAN See: TARZAN AND JANE

LEGEND OF TEKKEN See: THE AVENGING FIST

LEGEND OF THE BAYOU (1957) See: POOR WHITE TRASH

LEGEND OF THE BAYOU See: EATEN ALIVE (1976)

LEGEND OF THE CHUPACABRA (the chupacabra project) (1999 US) D/W/P: JOE CASTRO W/P: RUDY BALLI W: MARK WESLEY STEPHENS Here’s a fake BLAIR WITCH-style documentary spoof. A bunch of characters try to locate and destroy the legendary Chupacabra creature (a very cheap but endearing rubber monster) in Texas. It’s pretty stupid, but the mixture of extremely unconvincing acting and FX and deadly serious attitude make it a curiosity item. Troma released it.

LEGEND OF THE CROCODILE See: KRAI THONG

LEGEND OF THE DEMON WOMB See: UROTSUKIDOJI II

LEGEND OF THE DINOSAUR AND GIANT BIRD See: THE “LEGEND OF DINOSAURS”

THE LEGEND OF THE DRUNKEN MASTER See: DRUNKEN MASTER 2

LEGEND OF THE EIGHT SAMURAI (satomi hakken-den) (1983 JPN) D/W: KINJI FUKASAKU D: HARUKI KADOKAWA W: TOSHIO KAMATA P: MASAO SATO/IZUMI TOYOSHIMA/HIROSHI SUGAWARA Hiroko Yakushimaru is the surviving princess of a family that’s been destroyed by an evil clan led by witch Mari Natsuki (who bathes in blood) and her oedipal son Yuuki Meguro. Sonny Chiba leads the mythical eight Samurai who are supposed to help Yakushimasu reclaim her throne. Not bad of its type with some nice fantastical touches and good sets and locations, but could have used a heavier dose of imagination (and 130 mins+ is way too long). With Etsuko Shihomi (SISTER STREETFIGHTER), Masaki Kyomoto, “Henry” (Hiroyuki) Sadawa (co-star), Nagane Hagiwara, Nana Okada and a giant centipede and snake. Co-director Kadokawa was also executive producer, and the son of a major publishing company president. The same story (based on a 19th century novel by Bakkin Kyokutei) had already been filmed as 8 BRAVE BROTHERS in 1959. There’s also an animated series called THE HAKKEN-DEN, and the hit DRAGON BALL Z borrows from the same source material.

LEGEND OF THE FIST See: THE AVENGING FIST

LEGEND OF THE FIST MASTER See: THE AVENGING FIST

LEGEND OF THE LAWMAN See: WALKING TALL PART 2

LEGEND OF THE MOUNTAIN (shan chung chuuan chi) (1979 TAI) D: KING HU W: CHUNG LING P: WONG CHEUK-HON Slow, contemplative and rather bizarre fantasy of sorts stars Shih Jun as a scholar who travels to a supposedly deserted military fort to translate some ancient Buddhist sutras. But there are in fact a host of unusual eccentrics staying there, too. To explain more would not only spoil it, but is in fact rather difficult. Patient viewers will be rewarded. With Sylvia Chang, Hsu Feng, Tung Lam (also an assistant director), Tin Fung, Ng Ming-Choi, Suen Yuet, Chan Wai-Lau and Wu Jiaxiang. Not to be confused with Hu’s next film, RAINING IN THE MOUNTAIN (1979).

LEGEND OF THE OVERFIEND See: UROTSUKIDOJI

LEGEND OF THE PHOENIX See: PEACOCK KING

LEGEND OF THE POISONED SEDUCTRESS See: FEMALE DEMON OHYAKU

LEGEND OF THE 7 GOLDEN VAMPIRES (the last warning; the seven brothers meet dracula) (1973 UK HK) D: ROY WARD BAKER/CHANG CHEH (uncredited) W/P: DON HOUGHTON P: VEE KING SHAW Mixing period Shaw Bros kung fu and Hammer gothic horror was a great idea and this is almost (but isn’t) a total success. However, it is entertaining, exciting, well-written and crackingly paced with plenty to enjoy. Dracula rules over a cult of masked vampires that use zombie ghoul slaves to do their bidding. Seeing David Chiang beating up skeletal warriors is worth the price of admission. Peter Cushing is Van Helsing. With Julie Ege, Shih Szu and Liu Chia Yung.

THE LEGEND OF THE SWORDSMAN See: SWORDSMAN 2

LEGEND OF THE WEREWOLF (1975 UK) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W: “JOHN ELDER” (ANTHONY HINDS) P: KEVIN FRANCIS A feral boy raised by wolves in the forest goes to work for travelling gypsy showman Hugh Griffith. The grown young man (David Rintou) runs away to Paris, and gets a job in a decrepit zoo (with just a few cages), run by Ron Moody (who’s quite funny). He falls for a brothel prostitute, and during the full moon turns into a wolfman who kills her clients in a rage of jealousy. He hides in the city sewers (where a filthy, short-lived Michael Ripper looks for valuables). Top-billed Peter Cushing (who narrates) lends a certain prestige to proceedings (as usual) as an investigative police surgeon, but Hinds’ return to CURSE OF THE WEREWOLF territory is pretty flat. The studio and surrounding countryside of Buckinghamshire is not a very convincing standin for 19th century Paris, but Rintou’s old-fashioned white-maned monster makeup is quite good. With Roy Castle in a comic turn as a photographer, Norman Mitchell, Pamela Green and Patrick Holt. From the short-lived Tyburn, for whom Francis/Hinds/Francis/ Cushing also made THE GHOUL.

LEGEND OF THE WOLF (the new big boss; zhang lang chuan shuo; jin long chuen suet) (1997 HK) D/W/P: DONNIE YEN Yen’s assured directorial debut (he also stars of course) is a brutal kung fu and swordplay movie. It has an instantly forgettable plot that is pretty lame, but is sprinkled with enough stylish hyperkinetic fight sequences to make it worthwhile. You’ll probably enjoy. With Carman Lee, Dayo Wong and Ben Lam Kwok Bun.

THE LEGEND OF THE ZAAT MONSTER See: ZAAT

LEGEND OF WOLF LODGE See: “LEGEND” WOLF LODGE

THE LEGEND OF ZIPANG See: ZIPANG

“LEGEND” WOLF LODGE (into the fire; legend of wolf lodge; legend of lone wolf; wolf night) (1987 CAN US) D: GRAEME CAMPBELL W: JESSE BALLARD P: NICHOLAS STILLADA A young guitarist (Lee Montgomery, the child star of 1972 WILLARD sequel BEN) arrives in a small snow-covered town and accepts a job working for Art Hindle and his seeminglyneglected wife Susan Anspach at their big house. He starts dating waitress Olivia D’Abo and also has an affair with Anspach, eventually plotting to kill Hindle for her. It all results in plot twists and a tragic ending that most people will see coming a mile off.

THE LEG FIGHTERS See: THE INVINCIBLE KUNG FU LEGS

LEGIONNAIRE (1998 US) D/P: PETER MacDONALD W/P: SHELDON LETTICH/JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME W: REBECCA MORRISON P: CHRISTIAN HALSEY SOLOMON/KAMEL KRIFA/ROBERTO MALERBA/ RICHARD G. MURPHY/EDWARD R. PRESSMAN Van Damme is a Parisian boxer who refuses to take a dive for gangster Jim Carter. He goes into hiding by joining the Foreign Legion. There’s more male-bonding than action in this expensive period piece that went straight-to-video. With Steven Berkoff, Adewale Akkinuoye Agbaje, Nicholas Farrell as a clichéd Brit, Daniel Caltagirone, David Hayman and Joseph Long. It was filmed in Morocco, from the director of RAMBO 3 and NEVER ENDING STORY 3. I suppose it’s better than most Van Damme films, but that’s not saying much.

LEGION OF FIRE: KILLER ANTS! See: MARABUNTA

LEGION OF IRON (iron fighter) (1990 US) D/P: YAKOV BENTSVI W: STEVE SCHOENBERG/REUBEN GORDON/EDWARD HUNT An American football jock is kidnapped and forced to fight opponents to the death in an arena. There are more boring escape attempts than duels and it ends with generic car chase/gun action in the desert.

LEGION OF THE NIGHT (dead city) (1995 US) D/W/P: MATT JAISSLE Bill Hinzman (ZOMBIE NOSH, MAJORETTES) and ex-Stooge Ron Asheton make CZA (Cybernetic Zombie Assassins) for a ruthless drug kingpin who wants to wipe out the competition. When the gangsters double-cross them and kill Hinzman, Asheton teams up with Hinzman’s son for revenge. But the CZAs (that use Ninja weaponry, shotguns and are clad in black leather and gas mask helmets) get out of control and start to kill people at random. Pretty bad, and using those helium voices at the end was an awful idea. With Jeff Rector. Todd Tjersland was an executive producer and Tom Chaney (WENDIGO) was the photographer. From the director of BACK FROM HELL (1993).

LENNY BRUCE: SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH (1998 US) D/W/P: ROBERT B. WEIDE Very good HBO documentary about the talented Long Islandborn Jewish comedian (real name: Leonard Alfred Schneider) who was raised by a single dancer/comedienne mother (Sally Marr, also in movies) and first became an innocuous yet competent Borsch Belt imitator (and wrote and starred in 1953’s DANCE HALL RACKET). After performing shows with his future wife and stripper Honey Bruce (including a racial skit based on a record called Bake Dat Chicken Pie), he went solo for strip joint/burlesque house gigs that got more and more controversial in nature. The groundbreaking (and still very funny) material that he would improvise earned him a growing reputation through the 50s (there’s footage of him doing a cleaner act on The Steve Allen Show) as the young comic to watch, until he offended the wrong guy and became victim to a conspiracy of arrests and busts (either for his stage material or his drug use) that left him broke and unemployable. A couple of comics put it all into perspective when they note that there were more downright vulgar comics around way before Bruce, and that it was his digs at Christianity that got him in trouble. Shortly before his death by heroin overdose in 1966, Bruce’s (rare) live acts had become less funny, less about comedy and more involved with the legal issues that he was obsessed with. Ray Charles’ hit version of Busted (written by Johnny Cash) is put to good use on the soundtrack. Interviewees include the aforementioned Honey and Allen, daughter Kitty Bruce, Jackie Gayle and Nat Hentoff. Dustin Hoffman did a good job as Bruce in LENNY (1974).

LEON (the professional; the cleaner) (1994 US FRA) D/W: LUC BESSON P: PATRICE LEDOUX Jean Reno is an illiterate Sicilian hitman in New York who reluctantly protects young Natalie Portman after her family is killed by corrupt drug-dealing cops (led by over-the-top Gary Oldman). He also teaches her how to become a “cleaner” and she falls in love with him. Danny Aiello and Ellen Greene are also in this exciting, violent LOLITA (1962) update thriller. The unlikely scenario of Reno’s apartment becoming a war zone is belief-suspending, audience-manipulating cinema at it’s finest. See the longer version in which previously cut scenes (including a cameo from Jean-Hughes Anglade) have been restored. With Michael Badalucco and Robert LaSardo. Besson made the unusual THE FIFTH ELEMENT next.

THE LEOPARD MAN (1943 US) D: JACQUES TURNER W: ARDEL WRAY P: VAL LEWTON Based on a Cornell Woolrich story, this b/w gem is often though of as a substandard CAT PEOPLE knock-off. Not so, this very atmospheric and sometimes really creepy “escaped leopard” movie can stand on it’s own and is in some ways more effective (CAT PEOPLE hasn’t dated so well). With Dennis O’Keefe, Isabel Jewell, James Bell, Robert Anderson, John Dilson, Joe Dominguez, William Halligan, Rose Higgins, Brandon Hurst, Mary MacLaren, Richard Martin, Ottola Nesmith and George Sherwood.

LEPRECHAUN (1992 US) D/W: MARK JONES P: JEFFREY A. MALLIAN A cannibalistic killer leprechaun from Ireland (Warwick Davis, whose accent is pathetic) cracks unfunny wisecracks while terrorising (future star) Jennifer Aniston, her father and “three guys that paint” (workmen) in an old house in the country. He’s searching for his pot of gold. With Ken Olandt. Awful, but was a hit so sequels followed.

LEPRECHAUN 2 (one wedding and lots of funerals) (1994 US) D: RODMAN FLENDER W: TURI MEYER/AL SEPTEIN P: DONALD BORCHERS Warwick Davis as the leprechaun kidnaps a teenage girl and takes her for his bride to his cave hideout. Her boyfriend who helps run a tacky Hollywood death site tour tries to rescue her in this even worse sequel. With Clint Howard, Linda Hopkins, Michael James McDonald and death by espresso steamer. Flender later made the quite good IDLE HANDS.

LEPRECHAUN 3 (1995 US) D: BRIAN TRENCHARDSMITH W: DAVID DuBOS P: JEFF GEOFFRAY/WALTER JOSTEN There’s no improvement here, as the leprechaun (Warwick Davis, again) this time wreaks havoc in a crooked casino after a Las Vegas teen working in a pawnshop unwittingly steals one of his gold coins. The kid also transforms into another (regular sized) leprechaun after being bitten. With Heidi Stanley.

LEPRECHAUN 4 (1996 US) D: BRIAN TRENCHARDSMITH W: DENNIS PRATT P: JEFF GEOFFRAY/WALTER JOSTEN Rejoice! An entry that’s only 99% horse manure as opposed to 100%. This time leprechaun Warwick Davis is aboard a spaceship and is after some alien princess. Davis emerges from a guy’s dick, and when someone is hit with a tray their face takes its shape, just like a cartoon. There’s also a spider monster (quite good), a cyborg-torso villain and a giant leprechaun. With Miguel A. Nunez Jr.

LEPRECHAUN 5: IN THE HOOD (2000 US) D: ROB SPERA W: DOUG HELL/JOHN HUFFMAN/ALAN REYNOLDS/ WILLIAM WELLS P: BRUCE DAVID ELSEN/DARIN SPILLMAN/WILLIAM WELLS More crap. This time the killer leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is after a (positive message) rap trio who have his golden flute. Ice T is a gangsta rap label boss who unleashes him in the first place (in his Afro days). With Coolio, Anthony Montgomery and Rashaan Nall. Simply terrible.

LEPRECHAUN 6: BACK 2 THA HOOD (2003 US) D/W: STEVEN AYROMLOOI P: MIKE UPTON Warwick Davis returns to kill more urban blacks (including Laz Alonso) in this equally crappy sequel. There’s death by bong. “What up my ninja?”. Davis was very funny in the faux-documentary Gervais and Merchant sitcom Life’s Too Short in 2011.

LESBIAN VAMPIRES See: VAMPYROS LESBOS-LESS See: DEAD END (2002)

LESSON FAUST See: FAUST

LETHAL ANGELS See: RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH

LETHAL COP 2 See: EXCESSIVE FORCE 2

LETHAL HUNTER See: AMERICAN HUNTER

LETHAL PANTHER See: DEADLY CHINA DOLLS

LETHAL TARGET (parasite wars) (1999 CAN) D/P: LLOYD A. SIMANDL W: CHRISTOPHER HYDE After a promising start on a Titan prison colony in 2268 AD, where sexy women in short, skimpy dresses crawl through a dangerous magnesium mine while wiggling their asses for the camera (scenes lifted from Simandl’s HELL MOUNTAIN aka CHAINED HEAT 3, and they also turn up in his other flicks), they ruin everything by sending the main girl to a space station where some kind of sexual parasite has infected the crew. This real dull, minimal cast “erotic” sci-fi has many useless lesbian groping scenes and yet another chest bursting scene. A copy of a H.R. Giger monster turns up to run through some tunnels at the end. With Kim Dawson.

LETHAL TENDER (1997 CAN) D: JOHN BRADSHAW W: TONY JOHNSTON P: JULIAN GRANT In another unwanted DIE HARD clone, heavily armed intruders led by Kim Coates take hostages at a water filtration station wired to explosives. They threaten to poison the water and steal payroll money with the help of Gary Busey. Cop Jeff Fahey is the unwanted intruder out to stop them, with the help of plant employee Carrie-Anne Moss. Coates tries to be over-the-top with lines like “Bow your fucking heads you heathens”, but Busey is the best thing (as usual) about this silly waste of time. With Martin Roach and pro football player Rufus Crawford.

LETHAL WEAPON (1987 US) D/P: RICHARD DONNER W: SHANE BLACK P: JOEL SILVER Mel Gibson is a suicidal crazy cop (whose wife has been killed like in MAD MAX) paired with mellow family man ’nam vet Danny Glover in this influential buddy-buddy cop movie. Not bad, but it was such a hit that more comedic (and more successful) sequels followed. Gary Busey is the main villain (always a bonus). With Ed O’Ross, Tom Atkins, Darlene Love, Renne Estevez, Don Gordon, Terri Lynn Doss, Joan Severance, Mitch Ryan, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Jack Thibeau and Grand L. Bush.

LETHAL WEAPON 2 (1989 US) D/P: RICHARD DONNER W: JEFFREY BOAM/SHANE BLACK/WARREN MURPHY P: JOEL SILVER A guy’s head is impaled by a surfboard in this more comedic sequel. Gibson and Glover are after drug-dealing South Africans led by Joss Ackland this time. With Joe Pesci as a hyperactive witness, Patsy Kensit, Darlene Love, Buck Flower, Dean Norris, Grand L. Bush and Jack McGee.

LETHAL WEAPON 3 (1992 US) D/P: RICHARD DONNER W: JEFFREY BOAM/ROBERT MARK KAMEN P: JOEL SILVER There’s even more comedy in this entry that reteams Pesci with Gibson and Glover. Stuart Wilson is the psycho ex-cop gunrunner. With Rene Russo, Damon Hines, Darlene Love, Stuart Wilson, Mark Pellegrino, Nick Chinlund, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Miguel Nunez Jr. and Jan De Bont. Jack McGee’s scenes were deleted. If you liked or disliked the others, this uses the same formula.

LETHAL WEAPON 4 (1998 US) D/P: RICHARD DONNER W: CHANNING GIBSON/JONATHAN LEMKIN/ ALFRED GOUGH/MILES MILLAR P: JOEL SILVER Gibson, Glover, Pesci and Russo return, plus Chris Rock and Jet Li (making his American debut) in an overlong sequel about Chinese immigrants being forced into working for Chinese gangsters in America. There’s too much lame-ass (not to mention outdated “flied lice”) comedy, and not enough action. In particular, Li is not allowed enough fight scenes. With George Cheung, Philip Tan, Phil Hawn, Michiko Nishiwaki, Eddy Ko, Jack Kehler, Richard Riehle, James Lew, Conan Lee, Al Sapienza, Simon Rhee and Rick Hoffman.

LET ME DIE A WOMAN (1978 US) D/P: DORIS WISHMAN Wishman really outdid herself with this unbelievable, sleazy mondo documentary look at transsexuals. Dr. Leo Wollman interviews many transsexuals who tell their stories and show us their bodies. Some are post-operative while others are halfway done. Reconstructions of key events play-up the exploitative elements and there’s graphic closeups of a sex change operation (with added inserts of a surgeon’s hand reaching for various medical tools for some reason). And let’s not forget the sex scene in negative, footage of Central Park (Wishman’s favourite location) and music more befitting a thriller or horror flick. With appearances from porno stars Harry Reems (credited as Tim Long) and Vanessa Del Rio (uncredited). A grindhouse classic that would still have most audiences heading for the exits. Recommended! There was also a novelisation.

LET SLEEPING CORPSES LIE See: THE LIVING DEAD AT MANCHESTER MORGUE

LET’S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH (1971 US) D/W: “RALPH ROSE” (JOHN HANCOCK) W: “NORMAN JONAS” (LEE KALCHEIN) P: CHARLES B. MOSS JR. A hippy wannabe couple flee the city (in a hearse, “cheaper than a station wagon”) to a Connecticut farm and apple orchard, with a male friend in tow. She (Zohra Lampert, who gives a remarkable performance) collects gravestone rubbings, and lives in fear of a relapse that’ll send her back to a mental institution. When they arrive, they find the farmhouse occupied by a female drifter (Mariclare Costello) with an acoustic guitar, who is asked to stay with them. The small-town locals bare scars, and are increasingly hostile. An 1880 drowning in the nearby lake, where something lurks, seems to be the root cause of a growing unease. Very effective, and increasingly eerie and disturbing gem must be the most neglected horror movie of the 70s. With Barton Heyman, Gretchen Corbett and Kevin O’Connor. The effective soundtrack mixes Orville Stoeber’s piano pieces with the electronics of Walter Sear. Hancock followed his feature debut with the highly regarded baseball drama BANG THE DRUM SLOWLY (1973). Producer Moss also backed an obscure 1976 thriller, DIARY OF THE DEAD, and David Durston’s venereal disease movie STIGMA (1972).

LET THE BULLETS FLY (rang zidan fei) (2010 CHN) D/W: JIANG WEN W: JUE SO-CHUN/SHU PING/WEI XIAO/GUO JUN-LI/(plus another name I couldn’t make out!) P: BARBIE TUNG/ALBERT LEE/ZHAO HAI-CHENG THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY-inspired comedic action adventure based on a story by famous Siuchanese writer Ma Shi-Tu (it’s set in Siuchan, during the 1920s). A famous bandit (director Jiang, from THE MISSING GUN) and his curiously masked men derail a horse-drawn train carriage and kidnap Governor Ge You (and his wife Carina Lau). Jiang takes Ge’s identity, Ge poses as his underling and they head for Goose Town to pull off some scam. But ruling over the town is a sadistic opium smuggler with gold teeth (Chow Yun-Fat, who also plays his double), who has his own dodgy dealings. What ensues is a backstabbing battle of wits that is at once satirical, goofy, rousing and amoral. Not to be taken seriously, I thought some set pieces were great (despite poor CGI and wirework), and there are laugh-out-loud moments (despite the humour not always translating well). Bit too long at 132 mins though. With Liao Fan, Shao Bing, Chan Kun, director Feng Xiaogang and some heroic geese.

LET THEM REST See: KILL AND PRAY

LETTER TO DADDY See: MY FATHER IS A HERO

LEVEL 4 See: FORMULA FOR DEATH

LEVIATHAN (1984) See: MONSTER DOG

LEY LINES (nihon kuroshakai) (1999 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: ICHIRO RYU P: TSUTOMU TSUCHIKAWA Third in Miike’s loose trilogy that includes SHINJUKU TRIAD SOCIETY and RAINY DOG, this follows the misadventures of second generation Chinese living in Tokyo. It’s a street movie filled with gangsters, crooks, hookers and illegal aliens. Unfocused but engrossing look at a Japanese underworld that most don’t see (or at least a cartoonish interpretation thereof). With Tomoroh Taguchi, Naoto Takenaka, Sho Aikawa, Hua Rong Wong, Kazuki Kitamura and Ren Osugi. Ryu also wrote Miike’s DEAD OR ALIVE: HANZAISHA.

L. FRANK BAUM’S WHIMSICAL FANTASY TALE THE PATCHWORK GIRL OF OZ See: PATCHWORK GIRL OF OZ

LIAR (deceiver) (1997 US) D/W: JOSH AND JONAS PATE P: PETER GLATZER After Renee Zellweger ends up dead, cops Michael Rooker and Chris Penn interrogate and psychoanalyse obnoxious rich epileptic Tim Roth with a polygraph machine. This very talky movie could have been a stage play, but is in fact a well-mounted and suspenseful psychological drama that keeps you hooked, and is full of twists and turns. With Ellen Burstyn as sadistic bookie/ kingpin Mook, Rosanna Arquette, Michael Parks, J.C. Quinn and executive producer Mark Damon. The photography is by Bill Butler.

LIBIDOMANIA (sexual aberration: sesso perverso; le aberrationi) (1978 ITL) D/W: “JIMMY MATHEUS” (BRUNO MATTEI) Remarkably sleazy mondo “documentary” on sexual aberrations earns its points for exploitation movie fans with some of the more bizarre reconstructions. The most demented being a slobbering goon hacking-off a woman’s leg with a shovel; the most disgusting being a pervert hanging around a public toilet to fish out fresh stools from some filthy-looking piss pots. All linked by interviews with (of course) professional psychologists. Some maggot-riddled cannibal footage also made its way into Mattei’s ZOMBIE CREEPING FLESH. There was a sequel.

LICENSE TO DRIVE (1988 US) D: GREG BEEMAN W: NEIL TOLKIN P: ANDREW LECHT/JEFFREY A. MULLER Teen Corey Haim desperately wants a driver’s licence and decent set of wheels to impress Heather Graham in this comedy relic of its time. Why was Haim (and sidekick Corey Feldman) so popular? You try to figure it out. With Carol Kane, Richard Masur, Nina Siemaszko, James Avery, Michael Ensign, Parley Baer and some vehicular action and slapstick.

LICENCE TO KILL (1989 UK) D: JOHN GLEN W: RICHARD MAIBAUM P: ALBERT C. BROCCOLI W/P: MICHAEL G. WILSON Timothy Dalton returns as James Bond for the second and last time. After Felix (David Hedison) is fed to the sharks of South American drug-dealer Robert Davi, Bond goes out for revenge and neglects his other operation so has his “licence revoked” (the original shooting title). He, of course, continues regardless. Everett McGill is the double-crossing insider and spot the young-looking Benicio Del Toro as a henchman. With Taliso Soto, Anthony Zerbe, Don Stroud, Priscilla Barnes, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Diane Lee-Hsu, Desmond Llewelyn, Pedro Armendariz Jr., Robert Brown, Grand L. Bush, Branscombe Richmond, Juan Pelaez, Humberto Elizondo, Carl Ciarfalio, Edna Bolkan, Christopher Neame, Claudio Brook and Jorge Russek. Music by Michael Kamen. There are some swipes from Ian Fleming stories, but this is basically the first Bond outing with an original script, a trend that continues to this day (with the exception of the CASINO ROYALE reboot). The plot connects tv preachers with drug money. Kudos for at least aiming for a less glamorous Bond closer to the source material (Dalton is fine), but it’s ultimately one of the least entertaining Bond movies. Pierce Brosnan was Bond next in GOLDENEYE.

THE LIFE AND OPINION OF MASSEUR ICHI See: THE TALE OF ZATOICHI

LIFEBOAT (1944 US) D: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: JO SWERLING/JOHN STEINBECK/BEN HECHT (uncredited) P: KENNETH MacGOWAN After a freighter is bombed at sea during WWII, nine survivors try to keep it together while drifting pretty much aimlessly in a small lifeboat. Tallulah Bankhead is the big star in this technically innovative (in its use of constant back-projection realistically) an engrossing gem that’s unfortunately dated by its very strong anti-German stance (“you can’t treat them as human beings. You’ve got to exterminate them”). With William Bendix, Walter Slezak and Canada Lee. Hitchcock’s cameo is in a newspaper ad. Remade as LIFEPOD.

A LIFE FOR A LIFE See: THE WITCHING

LIFEFORCE (space vampire) (1985 UK) D: TOBE HOOPER W: DAN O’BANNON/DON JAKOBY P: MENHAEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS Steve Railsback stars as the only surviving member of a crew of astronauts that investigated a mysterious craft found inside Haley’s Comet. Mathilda May is the beautiful lifeforce-sucking creature brought back (she spends most of the movie naked). This confused sci-fi horror epic based on Colin Wilson’s novel The Space Vampires (and reminiscent of Nigel Kneale’s QUATERMASS stories) was part of a Hooper/Cannon three picture deal (along with TEXAS CHAINSAW 2 and the INVADERS FROM MARS remake) and is easily the best of them. Parts seem rushed, ridiculous or laughable, but it’s pretty interesting and entertaining. With Peter Firth, Patrick Stewart, Frank Finlay, Michael Gothard, Aubrey Morris and John Hallam. The Henry Mancini score is pretty rousing. I wish I could have seen it on a big-screen.

LIFE OF BRAIN See: MONTY PYTHON’S LIFE OF BRIAN

A LIFE OF NINJA (miu meng yan che; wang ming ren she) (1983 HK) D: LEE TSO NAM W: SZE TO ON P: LIN HO YIN Business rivals use ninjas to sort out the opposition. Chen Kuan Tai is an expert with advice like “if you should meet a ninja, run away as fast as you can”. Passable early 80s ninja nonsense with surprisingly lacklustre choreography from Pang Gang (who also appears). With Elsa Yeung, Chen Hung Lieh, Yasuaki Kurata, Wong Chi Sang and “world wrestling champion” Wong Kin Mi. There’s also a female mud wrestling scene, and for more of that kinda thing check out the film’s companion piece CHINESE SUPER NINJA 2.

LIFE ON THE LINE See: MY LIFE’S ON THE LINE

LIFEPOD (1993 US) D: RON SILVER W: PEN DENSHAM/M. JAY ROACH P: ROBERT HAKMI JR./TIM HARBERT/MARK STERN The survivors of a spaceship catastrophe drift in a lifepod slowly running out of oxygen and water in this tepid tv sci-fi remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s LIFEBOAT. C.C.H. Pounder is the pilot, Silver is a blind man, Robert Loggia is an important politician and Ed Gale is a cyborg dwarf. They have to work out which one caused the explosion. An earlier 1980 film with the same title sounds awfully similar.

LIFESPAN (1974 NETH BEL UK US) D/W/P: “ALEXANDER” (SANDY) WHITELAW W: JUDITH ROSCOE/ ALVA RUBEN Hiram Keller (who narrates) is a young American research scientist in Amsterdam interested in halting the ageing process. An older scientist involved in the same research hangs himself before he can divulge any information. Keller finds himself living in the dead man’s apartment, continuing his research and having an affair with the man’s former young lover (the beautiful Tina Aumont, seen naked in bondage rope). Klaus Kinski (effortlessly brilliant as usual) is “the Swiss man”. Slow and talky, this offbeat gem gets progressively more absorbing, interesting and surprising. I highly recommend it, knowing that the ambiguous non-ending will drive some viewers up the wall. With a mouse dissection, a visit to the Anne Frank museum and a fine score from minimalist composer Terry Riley.

LIGEIA See: THE TOMB OF LIGEIA

LIGHTHOUSE (dead of night; killing of silence) (1999 UK) D/W: SIMON HUNTER W: GRAEME SCARFE P: TIM DENNISON/MARK LEAKE A framed prisoner hero (James Purefoy), other inmates, a female psychiatrist (Rachel Shelley), wardens (including former comedian Don Warrington) and an alcoholic captain (Paul Brooke) end up stranded on a small island with a lighthouse after a prison-shipwreck. Another notorious psycho who was on the ship gets loose and hacks them up with a machete. Not particularly memorable, but an above average slasher film with a suitably dark, desolate atmosphere and some nicely orchestrated, suspenseful scenes. You could do worse for an evening’s viewing. With Norman Mitchell.

LIGHTNING KUNG FU (killer constable; karate warrior; karate exterminators; maan yan gan; wan ren zan) (1980 HK) D: KUEI CHIH HUNG W: SZE-TO ON P: MONA FONG When gold is stolen from the Royal Court, Police Constable Chen Kuan Tai is hired to assemble a group of men and catch the five surviving thieves. Nothing special, but a solid period action adventure with some swordplay (choreographed by Luk Chen and Wong Pau Gei), some nice touches and a few surprises. With Jason Pai Piao, Ku Feng, Walter Tso Tat-Wah, Kong Do, Dick Wei, Yuen Wah, Kwan Yung Moon, Ha Ping, San Kuai, Gam Biu and Ngaai Fei. The director made a few martial arts vehicles, but is more known for stuff like THE BAMBOO HOUSE OF DOLLS and THE KILLER SNAKES.

LIGHTNING SWORDS OF DEATH See: LONE WOLF AND CUB 3: BABY CART TO HADES

LILA See: MANTIS IN LACE

LILY See: WINTER LILY

THE LIMEY (1999 US) D: STEVEN SODERBERGH W: LEM DOBBS P: JOHN HARDY/SCOTT KRAMER Terence Stamp (acting strange, as he did in MINDBENDER) is a British crook just out of prison who comes to LA to investigate his daughter’s death and confuse the locals with his cockney rhyming slang (like an international GET CARTER). Peter Fonda is a music industry magnate who seems to be the man he’s after. Luis Guzman and Lesley Ann Warren help. This pretentious mess is a stylish waste of time. Who cares? With Barry Newman, Joe Dallesandro, Nicky Katt, William Lucking, Melissa George, Allan Graf, Carl Ciarfalio and Bill Duke. There are scenes of Stamp in Ken Loach’s debut film POOR COW (1967).

LIMIT See: BURIED

LINDA See: CAPTIVE WOMEN

THE LINEUP (1958 US) D: DON SIEGEL W: STIRLING SILLIPHANT P: JAIME DEL VALLE Eli Wallach has one of his finest early roles as a psychotic gangster whose job is to retrieve bags of heroin from travelers who unwittingly smuggled them into San Francisco in their luggage. Robert Keith is his equally unhinged partner who collects victims’ last dying words in a notebook. Richard Jaeckel is their new alcoholic wheelman. It’s a spin-off from the tv series of the same name, so Dragnet-like police procedure is the main narrative. Don’t examine the somewhat flimsy and illogical plot too much, and this great, tough b/w thriller moves from memorable set piece to set piece. Another Siegel gem. With Marshall Reed, Dick Crockett, George Eldredge and John Maxwell.

LING HUAN XIAN SHENG See: MR. VAMPIRE 3

LINK (1986 UK) D/P: RICHARD FRANKLIN W: EVERETT DE ROCHE/LEE DAVID ZLOTOFF/TOM ACKERMANN American student in Britain Elisabeth Shue is hired by scientist Terence Stamp to be his personal assistant at his remote home/lab. There he trains ex-circus chimps human behaviour in order to understand the missing link. Link is also the name of one of the monkeys that leads a revolt and kills. With Caroline John (from DOCTOR WHO) and Linus Roache. You’d be better off watching George A. Romero’s MONKEY SHINES than this well made but not very exciting animal horror.

LIONHEART (a.w.o.l.; the wrong bet) (1990 US) D/W: SHELDON LETTICH W: JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME P: ASH R. SHAH Routine Van Damme actioner has him as a Foreign Legionnaire in North Africa who deserts to LA so he can find out who killed his brother. Along the way he becomes involved with an underground bare-knuckle boxing ring. With Brian Thompson, Roger Moore’s daughter Deborah Rennard, Jeff Speakman, Billy Blanks, Michael Qissi, Lawrence Bender, Scott Spiegel and Abdel Qissi. Based on an earlier, unproduced screenplay by S.N. Warren.

LIONMAN (aslan adam) (1975 TUR GRE) D: NATUCK BAITAN P: STEPHEN SLOANE Cunyet “Steve” Arkin is a Tarzan type raised by lions in the forest after an oppressive ruler has his parents killed. He returns as an avenger with metal clawed gloves. This period adventure movie is mostly uneventful with the occasional nutty exploitation moment, such as when a tree stump is pulled from the ground and used as a weapon. [Illus.]

LIONMAN 2: THE WITCH QUEEN (1983 TUR) D: MICHAEL ARSLAN W: JOHNNY BYRNE P: ERICH AKMAN This sequel stars Frank Morgan as the hero raised by lions with steel claws (spiked gloves) as weapons. It’s pretty boring costume-drama/action stuff. The cast and crew are Turks hiding behind anglicized names. Akman also acts. LIONMAN: RING OF MAGUS is announced at the end, but I don’t think it was ever made.

LION VS. LION See: ROAR OF THE LION

LIQUID SKY (1982 US) D/W/P: SLAVA TSUKERMAN W: ANNE CARLISLE/NINA V. KEROVA Anne Carlisle is excellent in a dual role as a female bisexual punk and gay male model in this unique, fascinating cult hit from a Russian director (that was later copied by *batteries not included of all things). A small spaceship containing aliens lands on Carlisle’s tenement windowsill and drains humans of an addictive substance produced in the brain during orgasm. Great stuff, with an entertainingly dated look at early 80s downtown NYC post-punk club culture and weird, effective visual FX. With Paula Sheppard (ALICE, SWEET ALICE).

LISA AND THE DEVIL (house of exorcism; el diablo se lleva a los muertos; il diavolo e I morti; lisa e il divalo; der teuflische) (1973 ITL W.GER SPN) D/W: MARIO BAVA W/P: ALFREDO LONE Bava’s most overrated is a long, boring attempt at dreamlike surrealism. Elke Sommer is a tourist in Spain who gets lost down back alleys. She ends up at a mansion where Alida Valli rules over the household and the mysterious lollipop-sucking Telly Savalas (as Satan?) is a butler. The surprise ending is just terrible. With Gabriele Tinti, Sylva Koscina and Eduardo Fajardo. This review refers to the original LISA AND THE DEVIL print, but another version recut and re-edited (with new scenes that copy THE EXORCIST) by producer Leone exists under the title HOUSE OF EXORCISM. It’s supposed to be terrible, but that’s the opinion of those who liked this version, so it might be worth a look. Edit: Having now seen the other version, I can confirm that it is not much better. But Sommer’s hilarious profanity while she is possessed entertained me more than the movie did without it.

THE LIST OF ADRIAN MESSENGER (1963 US) D: JOHN HUSTON W: ANTHONY VEILLER P: EDWARD LEWIS Offbeat b/w mystery movie stars George C. Scott as an aristocrat investigating a plane crash that killed his friend, and discovering a conspiracy involving revenge and latex masks. It doesn’t really add up to the sum of its parts, but it’s an interesting attempt at something different. Celebrities Tony Curtis, Kirk Douglas, Burt Lancaster, Robert Mitchum and Frank Sinatra appear for a bow at the end. Veiller (who wrote the 1946 THE KILLERS and co-wrote RED PLANET MARS) adapted his screenplay from a novel by Philip MacDonald (REBECCA, THE BODY SNATCHER, TOBOR THE GREAT, MR. MOTO movies).

LITTLE BIG MASTER See: FISTS OF DRAGONS

LITTLE CIGARS (the little cigars mob) (1974 US) D: CHRIS CHRISTENBERRY W: LOUIS GARFINKLE/ FRANK RAY PERILLI P: ALBERT BAND Billy Curtis leads a scheming gang of dwarfs who put on a terrible live stage show on the outskirts of town while some of the minithieves pinch valuables from parked cars. Regular sized blonde waitress Angel Tompkins figures out what they’re up to when they steal her gun, and joins up with them. Curtis and Tompkins eventually end up on the run from the rest of the gang after screwing them over, and a larger scale bank robbery. It’s not very good, but odd enough to warrant your attention. With Felix Silla, Angelo Rossitto, Michael Pataki, Gayle Davis and Sharon Kelly.

LITTLE COREY GOREY (1993 US) D/W/P: WILLIAM MORRONI W: CHERYL A. FENNELL Everyone is mean to the orphaned title teen in this stupid obscurity. He moves into a new town with his abusive, fat stepmother and brother Biff. He goes to school when he’s not doing chores or fetching food for her. He tries to impress a bitchy popular girl, but she just uses him. The last straw is when Biff steals his tickets to see Ozzy Osbourne, so he hacks him up in the shower stall, putting the parts in the freezer. He ties up the mother and starves her. She’s still tied to the couch during a fund-raising house party (!), with a sign explaining not to feed or untie her. There are more murders. The only halfway sympathetic characters are a black family next door (called “niggers”, a Mexican is called a “beaner creep”).

THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE (1976 CAN US) D: NICHOLAS GESSNER W: LAIRD KOENIG P: ZEV BRAUN Thirteen-year-old Jodie Foster is remarkably good as a smart, independent (and possibly homicidal) young teen living with her never-seen poet father, in a house rented from nosy Alexis Smith on the outskirts of town. A dead Smith ends up in the basement, and a boy magician (Scott Jacoby from memorable 1974 tv movie BAD RONALD) befriends Foster, and helps her ward off Smith’s lecherous paedophile son Martin Sheen (who tortures a hamster with a cigarette). Nicely done AIP release is based on Koenig’s novel. With Mort Shuman.

LITTLE MURDERS (1971 US) D: ALAN ARKIN W: JULES FEIFFER P: JACK BRODSKY Elliott Gould stars as a photographer in a nightmarish, violent NYC in this often hilarious pitch-black comedy based on Feiffer’s play. Vincent Gardenia is his father-inlaw and Arkin has a great cameo as a crazed, paranoid police detective. With Donald Sutherland, Doris Roberts and an uncredited Martin Kove in his debut. Arkin’s next was the muchhated FIRE SALE (1977) (also with Gardenia).

LITTLE NORSE PRINCE (valiant) See: THE GREAT ADVENTURE OF HOLS

LITTLE OTIK (greedy guts: otesanek) (2000 CZE UK JPN) D/W/P: JAN ŠVANKMAJER P: KEITH GRIFFITHS/JAROMIR KALLISTA A couple who can’t have a baby play-act parenthood with a tree stump that looks like a kid. She gets into it way too much and tells the neighbours she’s pregnant, using cushions of various sizes under her clothes to create the illusion. At the time of the supposed birth, the wooden child actually does come to life, and has an enormous appetite, as foretold in an old fairy tale. This charming and inventive partly-animated fantasy/ monster movie should be overlong at over two hours, but isn’t at all. Švankmajer keeps things interesting with likeable characters, unusual images and genuine heart and soul. With Veronika Zilkova, Jan Hartl, Jaroslava Kretschmeova, Pavel Novy, Jiri Labus, Radek Holub and the voice of Tomas Hanak. Previous features from the talented filmmaker known for his animated shorts were FAUST, ALICE and CONSPIRATORS OF PLEASURE. Next was SILENI.

LITTLE RASCALS OF KUNG FU See: FISTS OF DRAGONS

THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1960 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: CHARLES B. GRIFFITH Jonathan Haze is Seymour Krelboine, a poor kid working in Mel Welles’ florist shop in Skid Row who grows a carnivorous plant (Audrey Jr.) that drinks blood and eats human flesh. Haze ends up killing people to feed the growing plant (that talks). This cult favourite black comedy is fun but no classic. With Jackie Joseph as Audrey, Dick Miller (originally cast for the lead who turned it down because he thought it was too similar to his Walter Paisley role in the classic A BUCKET OF BLOOD) who eats flowers, a funny small role by Jack Nicholson as a giggling masochist, radio star Myrtle Vail and Griffith in a number of small roles. Apparently Welles and Griffiths were responsible for much of the direction, but Corman got the sole credit. Harry Thomas did the makeup and Daniel Haller was the art director. A 1982 off-Broadway stage version became a film musical in 1986, and there’s also PLEASE DON’T EAT MY MOTHER.

LITTLE SUPER MAN (bruce, d-day at macao; sang lung wood foo siu ying hung; sheng long hio hu xiao ying xiong) (1975 HK) D/W: NG SEE YUEN W: TSING CHIU P: PAL MING/CHAN WAH/WONG JIAN JUAN Kung fu adventure has some heroic types trying to intercept Japanese plans to invade Shanghai and Hong Kong, and they’re hidden inside a banjo. The espionage stuff, drama, comedy and character development are all subpar, but fight fans will enjoy the all-out final reel brutality. With Bruce Liang (who I think is the Liang Siao Lung credited with the fight choreography), Meng Hoi, Yuen Yat Choh, Hon Gwok Choi, Woo Gam and Lee Ka Ting. The title refers to a little boy character.

LITTLE TIGER FROM CANTON See: MASTER WITH CRACKED FINGERS

LIVE AND LET DIE (1973 UK) D: GUY HAMILTON W: TOM MANKIEWICZ P: ALBERT R. BROCCOLI/HARRY SALTZMAN Roger Moore (who had been The Saint on tv) is James Bond for the first time. Yaphet Kotto is a drug trafficker (actually called Mr. Big!) who uses voodoo as a cover on a Caribbean island (it was shot in Jamaica) while trying to destroy the US economy. Julius W. Harris is his metal-handed henchman Tee-Hee. This adaptation of the second of Ian Fleming’s Bond novels (from 1954) wisely replaces some of the dodgier racial elements of the book with then-current blaxploitation glam, uses lots of ideas from old cliffhanger serials and is better than later Moore entries. Among several memorable set pieces, an extended speedboat chase through the Louisiana Everglades is the action highlight. With Jane Seymour as the virginal Solitaire, redneck cop extraordinaire Clifton James, David Hedison as Felix, Geoffrey Holder, Bernard Lee, Lois Maxwell, Gloria Hendry, Earl Jolly Brown as Whisper, Robert Dix and cute Madeline Smith. William Grefe (of STING OF DEATH fame) worked on the underwater shark scenes! I am no fan of Paul McCartney’s Wings, but they did prepare a memorable theme tune. THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN followed.

LIVE FOREVER: THE RISE AND FALL OF BRITPOP (2003 UK) D/W: JOHN DOWER P: JOHN BATTSEK Extremely self-important documentary about the mid-90s Britpop music scene (Oasis, Blur, Pulp etc.) tries to turn a brief period of hyped activity in the mainstream of the British music industry into some kind of watershed of musical excellence, which is, of course, utter nonsense. Not only does it not cover the scene in any great depth (only a handful of bands are ever mentioned), it also tries to somehow connect it with the political and social changes that supposedly happened when Tony Blair’s New Labour came into power (another joke right there). Interviewees include the undertalented Gallagher brothers Noel (who’s fairly amusing) and Liam (a real rockstar ape), Louise Wiener from Sleeper, Damon Albarn from Blur, Jarvis Cocker from Pulp, 3D from Massive Attack, Damien Hirst and Peter Mandelson! The Most Pretentious And Ill-Informed Fuck award goes to journalist Jon Savage. Pivotal events mentioned include the death of Kurt Cobain (I enjoyed the clip of Nirvana on Top Of The Pops taking the piss out of the whole mime performance), the Blur vs Oasis “class war”, a Stone Roses outdoor gig in 1990 and the death of Princess Di. Is that Brian Cox’s voice in the clip from a Blair promotional spot?

LIVE FREAKY! DIE FREAKY! (2005 US ANIMATED) D/W/P: JOHN ROECHER P: TIM ARMSTRONG In LA 3069, a wasteland nomad finds a book on Charles Manson and gets his ideas about history from it (an underdeveloped and pointless live-action wraparound). The rest of the movie is a supposedly funny bad taste (loose) re-enactment of the Tate-LaBianca murders, related by Sadie May Glutz in an interrogation room. All rendered with not very good (on purpose?) claymation, the soundalike names include Charlie Hanson and Sharon Hate. Hate is portrayed as a self-absorbed cokehead slut hanging out with a horny gay hairdresser (Jay Sebring, I guess). They both love glamour, hate hippies and poor people, and talk endlessly about “cock”. The phrase “headcheese” is also bandied about a lot, an attempt to shock (along with the “graphic” clay sex and gore). Attempts at satire are even worse. This is what happens when a bunch of crappy so-called “punk” posers (producer Armstrong is from Rancid and The Transplants) watch too much SOUTH PARK and try to top it for outrage (that show is only hit-and-miss, but seems witty and subtle compared to this). Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day provides the voice of Hanson. Other members of Green Day, Rancid and The Transplants, plus Blink 182 and Good Charlotte provide voices. You can also hear Theo Kogan from Lunachicks, Jane Widelin of The Go-Gos, Henry Rollins and Asia Argento. Pretty pathetic.

LIVE LIKE A COP, DIE LIKE A MAN (the terminators; dirty deka; uomini si nasce; polizIotti si muore) (1976 ITL) D: RUGGERO DEODATO W: FERNANDO DI LEO W/P: ALBERTO MARRAS/VINCENZO SALVIANI Ray Lovelock (LIVING DEAD AT THE MANCHESTER MORGUE) and Marc Porel star as loose-cannon “special squad” cops who seem to find great pleasure in violence, destruction and revenge as opposed to actually upholding the law. There were many cops vs robbers films like this during the 70s, and despite being an overall inconsistent and unsatisfying flick, this entry (from the director of CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST) does offer some memorably vicious and “politically incorrect” moments. Worthwhile for exploitation addicts, but not recommended for anyone else. With Adolfo Celi, Silva Dionisio, Franco Citti, Marino Mane, Bruno Corazzari, Renato Salvatori, Alvaro Vitali, Tom Fellghy, and Deodato can also be spotted.

LIVERS AIN’T CHEAP See: THE REAL THING

LIVE WIRE (1992 CAN) D: CHRISTIAN DUGUAY W: BART BAKER P: SUZANNE TODD/DAVID WILLIS Terrorists cause politicians in Washington to explode by slipping a liquid explosive mix in their drink. Pierce Brosnan is the FBI explosives expert hero and Ron Silver is a corrupt politician. Nothing special but an entertaining thriller from the director of SCANNERS 2 and 3. With Ben Cross, Al Waxman, Lisa Eilbacher, Tony Plana, Tracy Tweed, Nels Van Patten, Michael St. Gerard and Phillip Baker Hall.

LIVE WIRE: HUMAN TIMEBOMB See: HUMAN TIMEBOMB

THE LIVING CORPSE (dracula in pakistan; zinda laash) (1967 PAK) D/W: KHWAJA SARFRAZ W: NASEEM RIZWANI P: ABDUL BAQI A (clumsy) professor (he keeps spilling things in his lab) formulates an elixir of life, drinks it and dies. But he returns to life while resting in a coffin in a cellar, and becomes a vampire! After this very different take on the origin of Dracula, Pakistan’s first X-rated movie settles into a familiar (and quite dull) b/w tale of vampirism at a “haunted” mansion. Some very tame scenes of women in negligees dancing to guitar instrumentals seem to go on forever (there are also singing scenes). El Cucaracha is heard, along with other odd, inappropriate musical selections.

THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS (1987 UK) D: JOHN GLEN W: RICHARD MAIBAUM W/P: MICHAEL G. WILSON P: ALBERT R. BROCCOLI Timothy Dalton’s first turn as James Bond is not that good, but if you’re a sucker for 007 then I guess it’s one of the better ones since Connery threw in the towel. The plot involves a rogue KGB faction’s complex weapons of mass destruction scheme, and there are quite a few impressive stunts and action. Miryam D’Abo co-stars as a Soviet cellist and counteragent. With Jeroen Krabbe, Joe Don Baker, John Rhys-Davies, Art Malik, Desmond Llewelyn, Geoffrey Keen, Walter Gotell, Robert Brown, John Barry and Hanno Poschl. Filmed in Morocco, Austria, Slovakia, Gibraltar, Italy, America and the UK.

THE LIVING DEAD (1974) See: THE LIVING DEAD AT MANCHESTER MORGUE

THE LIVING DEAD AT MANCHESTER MORGUE (don’t open the window; let sleeping corpses lie; the living dead; zombi 3 (da dore vieni?); non si deve profanare il sonno dei morti) (1974 ITL SPN) D: JORGE GRAU W: JUAN COBOS/SANDRO CONTINENZA/ MARCELLO COSCIA/MIGUEL RUBIO P: EDMONDO AMATI A new agricultural machine that uses ultrasonic sound waves to kill insects inadvertently brings the dead back to life as flesh eating zombies. Ray Lovelock is the longhair anti-hero trying to stop it, Arthur Kennedy his hippy-hating establishment cop nemesis in this overrated but quite fun (if slow-moving) gore movie made in the English countryside (an early edition to to the post NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD zombie canon). With José Lifante and Fernando Hilbeck.

LIVING DEAD IN TOKYO BAY (battle girl; tokyo crisis war) (1992 JPN) D/P: “GAIRA” KAZUO KOMIZU W: DAISUKE SERIZAWA This apocalyptic zombie movie starring female pro wrestler Cutie Suzuki (great name) as our undead crushing heroine out to save Tokyo from destruction is energetic but uneventful. Even at only 70 mins or so, it begins to drag. A meteor starts all the trouble. Komizu made the infamous splatter-eros trilogy beginning with ENTRAILS OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN in the 80s.

THE LIVING HEAD (la cabeza viviente; el ojo de la muerte) (1961 MEX) D: CHANTO MUERTA W: FREDERICK CURIEL/ADOLFO LOPEZ PORTILLO P: ABEL SALAZAR When an ancient Aztec tomb is discovered, the head of Acatl (Mauricio Garces thesping with his head poking through a table) and his henchman come back to life, because of a curse. Ana Luisa Peluffo has a dual role as past and present women in danger, and producer Salazar is a detective. Acatl avoids suspicion by turning into a skull when people are looking in this mostly sleep-inducing b/w horror. The same d/w/p team’s much, much better THE BRAINIAC was from the same year (K. Gordon Murray released both in the US later that decade).

LIVING NIGHTMARE See: LOVE CAMP 7

THE LIVING SKELETON (kyuketsu dokurosen) (1968 JPN) D: HIROSHI MATSUNO W: KYUZO KOBAYASHI/ KIKUMA SHIMOIZAKA Shochiku’s b/w follow up to the great GOKE (also co-written by Kobayashi) is an atmospheric and beautifully shot, yet largely disappointing horror centring on a gold hijack at sea. Someone ordered the execution of everyone on-board, and their chained-up skeletons are found by a scuba-diving couple (the girl, Kikko Matsuoka, was a twin sister of one of the victims, and her ghost seems to be urging her to uncover the truth). A lecherous priest and a scientist-turned-vampire (Ko Nishimura, here billed as Akira) provide minimal nudity and bloodletting. A very brief bit of stop-motion makeup FX at the end seems straight out of GOKE. With Masumi Okada and Nobu Kaneko.

LIZA See: DEMONIA

A LIZARD IN A WOMAN’S SKIN (schizoid; una lucertola con a pelle di donna; carole; una lagartija con piel de mujer; les salopes vont en efner; le venin de la peur) (1971 ITL SPN FRA) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: ROBERTO GIANVITI/JOSÉ LUIS MARTINEZ MOLLA/ANDRE TRANCHE P: EDMONDO AMATI Florinda Bolkan is a wealthy London socialite who has dreams of murdering the decadent woman next door whose sex and drug parties disgust and fascinate her. When the woman does turn up dead the police obviously consider Bolkan a prime suspect. Pretty good giallo moves at a swift pace, has some real nail biting moments of suspense and some fantastic hallucination/ dream sequences designed by Carlo Rambaldi (including the infamous dissected dogs that almost landed Fulci in jail). With Stanley Baker, Jean Sorel, Alberto De Mendoza, Georges Rigaud, Luigi Antonio Guerra and Fulci. A fine score from Riz Ortolani, too. After you see this you should watch Bolkan in Fulci’s classic DON’T TORTURE A DUCKLING made the following year.

LOADED WEAPON 1 See: NATIONAL LAMPOON’S LOADED WEAPON 1

LOCKDOWN (1990 US) D/W: FRANK HARRIS W: JOSEPH IZZO JR./JOSEPH MANGELLI P: DIANE STEVENETT Richard Lynch is a car fanatic ruthlessly taking over an illegal automobile “chop shop” business. Most of this uneventful movie deals with a framed cop surviving in prison. His black partner (Chuck Jeffreys) seems to be doing a (pretty good) Eddie Murphy impression. Joe Estevez is an inmate who has an amusing murder motive dialogue.

LOCKED DOWN (battle in prison) (2010 CAN) D/W/P: DANIEL ZIRILLI W: D. GLASE LOMOND/BOBBY MORT P: PHYLLIS LAING/DAVID E. ORNSTON Tony Schiena stars as a tough martial arts-fighting undercover cop framed for drug possession and sent to Blackwater penitentiary, Chicago (cheap, unconvincing sets), where most of the muscle-bound crooks he sent down lie in wait for him. He’s forced to fight to the death in illegal cage fights run by kingpin inmate Vinnie Jones. The cast includes several MMA fighters: Joe Doerksen, Forrest Griffin, Rashad Evans, Cheick Kongo and big Kimbo Slice. But even the action is boring. Bai Ling is utterly wasted as a sadistic guard with a silly haircut. Total direct-to-tv sludge.

LOCK STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS (two smoking barrels) (1998 UK) D/W: GUY RITCHIE P: MATTHEW VAUGHN Dexter Fletcher, Jason Flemyng, Nick Moran and Jason Statham are four young “geezers” in London who end up owing half a million pounds to dangerous mobster (and porn king) “Hatchet Harry” after losing a card game (good scene). They have to come up with the money or risk serious physical injury. The cleverly woven script takes off from there and this audience-pleasing crime comedy rarely puts a foot wrong. Non-Brits may have difficulty understanding some of the slang (“Chevy Chase” was my favourite). With Sting, footballer Vinnie Jones (lampooning his own violent media image) and a guy beaten to death with a rubber dildo. Alan Ford narrates. Some of the cast will be familiar to British audiences from tv. Dedicated to Larry McLean (who plays Barry the Baptist). Ritchie made the somewhat similar SNATCH next (and created the Lock, Stock… tv series).

LOCK YOUR DOORS See: THE APE MAN

THE LODGER (1926 UK) D/W: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: ELIOT STANNARD P: MICHAEL BALCON/ CARLYLE BLACKWELL SR. (uncredited) After one uncompleted movie, one uncredited one and two official ones, Hitchcock made his first suspense thriller. It’s good, and shows Hitchcock borrowing very promisingly from the German expressionists, but seeing it completely silent (with no accompanying soundtrack) was distracting. Ivor Novello is the mysterious new tenant who may be “The Avenger”, a woman killer stalking the streets of London once a week (the print I saw was subtitled A Tale Of The London Fog, with obvious Jack the Ripper connotations). When he starts seeing a girl, her jealous wannabe boyfriend police detective is sure he’s guilty, and a great mob chase scene ensues. Hitchcock has his first cameo in a crowd scene, and made use of some innovative techniques (like glass floors). With Marie Ault and Reginald Gardiner. Based on a novel by Marie Belloc Lowndes, adapted a further four times. Firstly in 1932.

THE LODGER (1944 US) D: JOHN BRAHM W: BARRE LYNDON P: ROBERT BASSLER Third screen version of Marie Belloc Lowndes’ novel is not bad, but pales in comparison to Hitchcock’s innovative silent original. Laird Gregar is the mysterious new houseguest suspected of being Jack the Ripper by a nosy family. Merle Oberon is the stage actress daughter in danger and George Sanders investigates. With Cedric Hardwicke, Doris Lloyd and David Clyde. In b/w. MAN IN THE ATTIC was the next version in 1953. A 2009 rereading with Simon Baker was pretty good.

LOGAN’S RUN (1976 US) D: MICHAEL ANDERSON W: DAVID ZEELAG GOODMAN P: SAUL DAVID A flop upon its original release, this has since gained a cult following; I think they were right the first time! Michael York and Jenny Agutter escape the pathetic futuristic city (actually a mall) to find the over-30s who have been banished from living there. Peter Ustinov co-stars, with Farrah Fawcett-Majors, Roscoe Lee Brown as the robot, Michael Anderson Jr., Richard Jordan and Candice Rialson. I hate it. Based on a book by William F. Nolan and George Clayton Brown.

LOLA (1969) See: TWINKY

LOLA (1974) See: BEYOND EROTICA

LOLA RENNT (run lola run) (1999 GER) D/W: TOM TYKWER P: STEFAN ARNDT/GEBHARD HENKE Lola (Franka Potente) must run across town and somehow get her hands on a shitload of money in 20 mins so she can save her boyfriend from gangsters. This stylish, fast-paced film uses some animation and a pumping technotrance soundtrack as it portrays three different versions of the story (like the end of CLUE, for want of a better example). It’s a fun little idea that’s very well executed and doesn’t outstay its welcome at 80 mins or so. With Moritz Bleibtreu, Herbert Knaup, Nina Petri, Armin Rohde, Joachin Krol, Suzanne Von Borsody, Lars Rudolph, Heino Ferch and Monika Blaibtreu.

LOLITA: VIBRATOR TORTURE (himitsu no hanazono; lolita vibe-zeme) (1987 JPN) D: HISAYASU SATO A bored schoolgirl works as a private detective (!) of sorts, putting up wanted posters for some missing guy. A photographer who befriends her uses chloroform to knock her out, and takes her to an abandoned truck with trailer which he has decorated with grotesque b/w photos of previous victims. He rapes her with a vibrator (smearing menstrual blood on her breasts) but doesn’t kill the strange (virgin) girl who becomes his accomplice. She tricks another girl she doesn’t like (seen poisoning soup with bug spray) to come to the trailer. The guy (Takeshi Ito) demonstrates his routine by spray-painting the tied-up girl and then raping her (orally and vaginally) with the vibrator, until eventually penetrating her so far (offscreen) that she coughs up blood and dies. After pissing on the corpse, it’s disposed of with acid. The murderous duo brazenly tour the city with the truck as a travelling photo gallery exhibit. This pretty fucked-up little movie from the prolific Sato is actually a nihilist gem of its kind if you’re not easily offended, and features effective use of music. With Kiyomi Ito (both Itos are Sato regulars). It’s 63 mins.

THE LONDON AFFAIR See: TWINKY

LONDON DOGS See: LOVE, HONOUR AND OBEY

LONDON VOODOO (2004 UK) D/W/P: ROBERT PRATTEN An American family move into their new house in residential London. While the husband is too busy with his work, the resentful wife and mother (Sara Stewart) uncovers “some kind of religious tomb” in the basement, and becomes a possessed psycho-slut. A friendly charity collector and some African-Brits in-the-know try to help the bewildered husband. An attractive young shorthaired female babysitter is also a major character. A little slow, and never really crossing over into satisfying excellence, this is still a pretty good, original low-budget horror, complete with a suburban living room voodoo ceremony (my favourite part). With Michael Nyqvist. Pratten went on to make MINDFLESH (2008).

LONE HERO (2001 CAN) D/W: KEN SANZEL P: PAUL DeSOUZA/DAVID LANCASTER/GREG MALCOLM/ VICKI SOTHERAN Sean Patrick Flannery is a stuntman at a wild west theme town who stands up to Lou Diamond Phillips’ biker gang in this cable-fodder action movie. Starts like it may have some potential but soon degenerates into the same old junk in different clothing. With Robert Forster, Gary Chalk, Cameron Crigger, Tyler Labine and Alonso Oyarzun.

THE LONELY HEARTS KILLERS See: THE HONEYMOON KILLERS

THE LONER See: RUCKUS

LONESOME GUN See: MY NAME IS NOBODY

LONE WOLF AND CUB: SWORD OF VENGEANCE (kozure okami: ko o kashi ude kashi tsukamatsuru) (1972 JPN) D: KENJI MISUMI W: KOZUO KOIKE P: SHINTARO KATSU/HISAHARU MATSUBARA Tomisaburo Wakayama stars in this, the first of a classic and very different chambara series. He’s Itto Ogami, the head executioner for the shogunate who is framed for murder by a rival clan. After his wife is murdered, he is forced to become a wandering ronin, dedicated to avenging her death and to follow the road of demons to Hell. What makes this series unique though, is that Ogami takes his son Daigoro along with him in a specially constructed wooden pram. The scene where Daigoro (Akihiro Tomikawa) must choose between the path of the sword or toys is a memorable one. Whereas most chambara are pretty restrained in their outbursts of violence, this has geysers of blood jetting out of victims at an alarming rate. It’s recommended to both fans of Japanese cinema and gorehounds alike. Parts of it were edited into LIGHTNING SWORDS OF DEATH, which was considered the official first entry for years. Footage can also be found in the excellent, introductory best-of-the-violence SHOGUN ASSASSIN. Then you should watch each individual episode. And check out the source material, Kozuko Koike and Goseki Kojima’s hit manga series, too.

LONE WOLF AND CUB 2: BABY CART AT RIVER STYX (kozure okami: sanzu no kawa no ubaguruma) (1972 JPN) D: KENJI MISUMI W: KOZUO KOIKE P: HISIHARU MATSUBARA/ TOMASABURO WAKAYAMA Later the same year came this almost equally brilliant part two. Female ninjas under the employ of Ogami’s enemies appear this time, there’s more action and we get to see more of the perambulator’s gadgets. Wonderful. With Minoru Okhi, Shin Kishida and Akiji Kobayashi.

LONE WOLF AND CUB 3: BABY CART TO HADES (lupine wolf; kozure okami: shinikazeni mukau ubag uruma) (1972 JPN) D: KENJI MISUMI W: KOZUE KOIKE P: HISIHARU MATSUBARA/TOMASABURO WAKAYAMA A step down from the first two entries, this is still a great film, and let’s not forget the third in one year! Ogami stands in for a prostitute’s torture and is hired to kill an evil chamberlain. This is the one that turns into a spaghetti western at the end when Ogami and Daigoro wipe out an entire army. With Ichiro Nakaya and Jun Hamamura. Confusingly parts from this were edited into LIGHTNING SWORDS OF DEATH (along with footage from the first movie) which was considered the first entry of the series for a long time.

LONE WOLF AND CUB 4: BABY CART IN PERIL (kozure okami: oya no kokoro ko no kokoro) (1972 JPN) D: SAITO BUIICHI W: KOZUE KOIKE P: HISIHARU MATSUBURA/TOMISABURO WAKAYAMA A change of director does not mean a change in quality, so here’s another excellent series entry. This time Ogami Itto is hired to assassinate a mysterious tattooed female swordsmaster and we learn more about the double-cross that started the whole story. With a particularly good soundtrack, and as ever, plentiful violence and pathos. Asao Koike, Tatsuo Endo, Hiroshi Tanaka, Shin Kishida and Jo Yamamura are in the cast.

LONE WOLF AND CUB 5: THE CROSSROADS TO HELL (kozure okami: meifumado) (1973 JPN) D: KENJI MISUMI W: TSUTOMU PAUL NAKAMURA P: MASANORI SANADA/TOMISABURO WAKAYAMA Ito Ogami is approached by five master swordsmen from the same clan. Each time one is defeated, he learns a little more about his mission. The assassination of an abbot and the retrieval of an important document in his possession. It’s difficult to have favourites in a series of such consistently high quality, but I think this entry is particularly good. Characterisation, storytelling and pathos is just as important as the violence, and there’s plenty of that, too. The underwater assassination and final reel massacre are highlights. Utterly brilliant. With Michiyo Oguso, Akihiro Tomikawa, Shingo Yamashiro, Shuji Otaki, Taketoshi Naito, Yoshi Kato, Tomomi Sato, Hiroshi Tanaka, Eiji Okada and Renji Ishibashi.

LONE WOLF AND CUB 6: DAIGORO! WE’RE OFF TO HELL (kozure okami: jigoku e ikuzo! daigoro) (1973 JPN) D: KURODA YOSHIYUKI W: TSUTOMU PAUL NAKAMURA P: MASANORI SANADA/ TOMISABURO WAKAYAMA Concluding part of this magnificent series has a change of scenery (snowy countryside) and is a return to the courageousness of part three (the machine-guns are back!). The only bad thing I could say is that it’s sad to see it all end (and with a Yagyu clan survivor!). With Akihiro Tomikawa, Renji Ishibashi, Koichi Sato and Isao Kimura.

LONG ARM OF THE LAW (sheng gang qi bing; saang gong kei bing) (1984 HK) D/P: JOHNNY MAK W: PHILLIP CHAN P: SAMMO HUNG Lam Wai leads a small group of poor mainland Chinese crooks hoping to score big with a jewellery store robbery in Hong Kong. The optimistic but inept and distracted gang can’t even get across the border without trouble, and once in the city it’s one fuckup after another, until they’re tricked by Shum Wai into killing a cop for his bosses. But they still insist on staying there and pulling off the heist! This gritty action classic has several great shoot outs in dingy, filthy-looking HK slums and concrete apartment complexes, all captured in 70s-esque docudrama style. It’s also surprising that the script by former Royal Police Force cop Chan has trigger happy SWAT-like teams of cops causing just as much death and destruction as the crooks on the run. With Chan Ging, Kong Lung and Tommy Wong (in, I think, his feature debut). The ending is memorable. Mak is usually known as a producer, this was his sole directorial credit. Two sequels followed.

LONG DAYS OF VENGEANCE See: DAYS OF VENGEANCE

THE LONGEST NIGHT (1972 US) D: JACK SMIGHT W: MERWIN GERARD P: WILLIAM FRYE Above average no-frills tv movie has cops searching for David Janssen’s teen daughter who’s being held for ransom by James Farentino and kept in a coffin underground with a dwindling air supply. Based on a true story that was also the inspiration for the 1990 tv movie 83 HOURS ‘TIL DAWN (and OXYGEN, I guess). With Mike Farrell, Richard Anderson, Charles McGraw, Ross Elliott, Anthony Carbone and Sharon Gless as “switchboard operator”. A girl was buried in a similar way in the previous year’s DIRTY HARRY.

THE LONGEST NITE (aau dat; an dua) (1998 HK) D: PATRICK YAU W: SZETO KAM-YUEN/YAU NAI-HO P: JOHNNIE TO/WAI KA-FEI/GARY CHAN Tony Leung as a very corrupt Macao cop and charismatic Lau Ching-Wan as a mysterious bald stranger in town causing trouble are the leads in this dark modern noir thriller with lots of violence, double-crosses and surprises. It’s a good, tightly-wound and entertaining tale that doesn’t outstay its welcome, as long as you don’t expect the masterpiece that some overzealous critics have labelled it. With Lung Fong (who used to be Jimmy Lee in his kung fu days), Mark Cheng, Wong Tin Lam, Yuen Bun, Lam Suet and Lee Sau Kei. Director Yau also delivered the highly regarded THE ODD ONE DIES (1997) and EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED (1998) for the independent Milkyway production house.

THE LONGEST YARD (the mean machine) (1974 US) D: ROBERT ALDRICH W: TRACY KEENAN WYNN W/P: ALBERT S. RUDDY Burt Reynolds is a washed-up ex-Quarterback star who ends up in a prison down-South (run by Warden Eddie Albert). He puts together a football team made from cons in this comedic sports version of THE DIRTY DOZEN (1967) (also directed by Aldrich). An entertaining picture and the best of its type. With Ed Lauter, Richard Kiel, Michael Fox, James Hampton and Robert Tessier. Aldrich also directed Reynolds in HUSTLE. LONGEST was remade as MEAN MACHINE in the UK, and there was another remake in 2005.

THE LONG GOODBYE (1974 US) D: ROBERT ALTMAN W: LEIGH BRACKETT P: JERRY BICK Elliott Gould is excellent as a hip Philip Marlowe for the 70s, but Altman’s rambling style diffuses a decent script (by the guy who wrote the original THE BIG SLEEP). I caught it on cable on the Sundance Channel, the perfect place to screen it. Arty types can marvel at Vilmos Zsigmond’s photography or consider Altman’s multilayer real-life characterisation and storytelling style. But most viewers will find its lack of focus (and Gould’s catchphrase “that’s ok with me”) irritating. With Sterling Hayden, Nina Van Pallandt, Mark Rydell, Henry Gibson, Jim Bouton, Pancho Cordova, Enrique Lucero, a good cameo from David Carradine, and look for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY (1979 UK) D: JOHN MACKENZIE W: BARRIE KEEFE P: BARRY HANSON Bob Hoskins is excellent (as is the whole cast) as a successful London crimelord/businessman whose operations are targeted by an unknown group with bombs to try to discredit him during an important deal with the American underworld. Gritty, believable, violent and funny, it’s a classic gangster movie. A scene in a slaughterhouse is a surreal and scary highlight. With Helen Mirren, Derek Thompson, Eddie Constantine, George Colouris, Paul Freeman, Kevin McNally, Karl Howman, Alan Ford, a young Pierce Brosnan and an even younger Dexter Fletcher (as “kid”). It’s from HandMade Films, so George Harrison was executive producer.

THE LONG ISLAND CANNIBAL MASSACRE (1980 US) D/W/P: NATHAN H. SCHIFF Schiff (who also photographed, edited and provided the FX) followed up WEASELS RIP MY FLESH with this extremely lowbudget (you can hear the mic crackling and camera whirring sometimes) Super-8 Long Island gore movie oddity (that wasn’t properly released with post-production touches until 2003). It opens with a woman having her head run over by a lawnmower! An undercover cop who finds a head on the beach suspects a murder syndicate. A guy with a sheet over his head and wearing goggles, his long-haired biker partner and another guy who hires them to kill are the main culprits. The innards of victims end up in bin liners and are fed to some kind of diseased, crusty yellow-faced cannibals who were supposedly infected in Africa! You won’t believe the ending with chainsaw dismemberment, huge monster face makeup and cannibal kiddies. The actors are all terrible, but I love the accents. All the music is stolen too. Schiff made THEY DON’T CUT THE GRASS ANYMORE next.

LONG JEANNE SILVER (1977 US) D/P: ALEX DeRENZY Outside of the world of vintage porno enthusiasts, it’s a surprise how unknown Jean Silver is, considering her unbelievable claim to fame. Her left leg has never completely formed, leaving a long narrow rounded stump from the knee down. Fair enough. But your eyes will pop out of your head when you see her fuck other women with it! In one scene in this jaw-dropping hour-long oddity, she lubricates it and shoves it up a guy’s ass! Do you need any more reason to watch this classic? With Serena, Joey Silvera and Paul Thomas. Silver was also in THE ENEMA BANDIT and William Lustig’s THE VIOLATION OF CLAUDIA the same year. DeRenzy made the groundbreaking documentary CENSORSHIP IN DENMARK (1970) and directed many 70s grindhouse faves like BABY FACE and PRETTY PEACHES.

THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT (1996 US) D/P: RENNY HARLIN W/P: SHANE BLACK P: STEPHANIE AUSTIN/GEENA DAVIS Geena Davis is an amnesiac living an idyllic life as a housewife/PTA member/ teacher/mother who discovers that her true identity is that of a skilled government assassin. Samuel L. Jackson co-stars as her private investigator accomplice in a plot that features terrorist bombings set-up by the CIA to justify budgetary inflation. This ridiculous, over-the-top feature does have some worthwhile action scenes, but Davis is not convincing in either persona, so leaves a huge gap. With Brian Cox, Yvonne Zima, David Morse, Patrick Malahide, Rex Linn, Bill MacDonald, Craig Eldridge and Larry King.

LONG LIVE DEATH See: VIVA LA MUERTE

THE LONG NIGHT OF EXORCISM See: DON’T TORTURE A DUCKLING

THE LONG RIDERS (1980 US) D/W: WALTER HILL W: BILL BRYDEN/STEVEN SMITH/STACY and JAMES KEACH P: TIM ZINNEMANN This western about the real Northfield raid in Minnesota is good and violent. The gang is made up of acting brothers. There are the Keaches (also executive producers), David, Keith and Robert Carradine (father John was edited out, but little Ever is here), Randy and Dennis Quaid and Christopher and Nicolas Guest. With Pamela Reed, Harry Carey Jr., James Whitmore, James Remar, Fran Ryan, Eddie Bunker, Chris Mulkey, Lin Shaye, Peter Jason and Ry Cooder (who provides the music). From the Peckinpah-inspired director of THE WARRIORS and other interesting features.

THE LONGSHOT (1986 US) D: PAUL BARTEL W: TIM CONWAY P: LANG ELLIOT Conway stars in this comedy about a bunch of losers who borrow mob money to back a horse. Much hated on its original release, it’s not that bad and may make you laugh occasionally if you’re in the mood. Just don’t expect EATING RAOUL. With Jack Weston, Harvey Korman, Jonathan Winters, Anne Meara, Stella Stevens, George DiCenzo, Eddie Deezen and Edie McClurg. Mike Nichols was executive producer.

LONG STEP MANTIS See: THE DYNAMITE TRIO

LONG TIME DEAD (2002 UK FRA) D/W: MARCUS ADAMS W: EITAN ARRUSI/CHRIS BAKER/ DANIEL BRONZITE/ANDY DAY W/P: JAMES GAY REES A bunch of students (including star Joe Absolon and American Lukas Haas) hold a séance while out clubbing and summon a djinn that then kills them off one-by-one in this terrible, thoroughly non-scary and nonsensical attempt at horror. With Lara Belmont, Melanie Gutteridge, James Hillier, Alec Newman, Tom Bell, Mel Raido and Marsha Thomason.

LONG WEEKEND (1977 AUSL) D: COLIN EGGLESTON W: EVERETT DE ROCHE P: RICHARD BRENNAN A bickering couple with a very strained relationship (John Hargreaves, who passed in 1996, and Briony Behets, the director’s wife) drive to a remote beach in the country (with their dog) for a weekend break (she is reluctant to go). Their rampant littering, irresponsible hunting and lack of respect for wildlife (not to mention each other) seems to inspire nature to fight back. Mysterious shapes in the water, insects and animals attacking, the geography mysteriously shifting etc. Nothing is ever explained, but a vast, finally fed-up-of-humanity conspiracy is alluded to in this nicely mounted, effective eco-horror mood-piece. Shot in New South Wales and Benga. De Rcohe also wrote PATRICK. Remade in 2008. See also THE LAST WAVE.

LOOK OUT SISTER (1948 US) D: BUD POLLARD W: JOHN E. GORDON/WILL MORRISEY P: BERLE ADAMS After seeing Louis Jordan performing at a number of benefit gigs and lots of newspaper headlines, he has a breakdown from overwork and must rest in bed, cared for by pretty nurse Suzette Harbin. A little kid in a cowboy outfit looking for a place to play prompts Jordan to have a dream about a ranch for city kids, the bulk of this fun, all-black cast b/w musical western (that runs about an hour). A villain wants to buy up the ranch when he discovers oil on the property, but Jordan’s benefit gig that keeps the debt collectors at bay foils his plans. The musical numbers are all great, prime Jordan but the mean-spirited “You’re much too fat” scene seems out of place here. My favourite song is the one about owning “a new 10 gallon hat”. With Monte Hawley. Director Pollard and writer Gordon had already made BEWARE with Jordan.

THE LOOT (bloody tattoo; chaak chong; ze zang) (1980 HK) D: ERIC TSANG W: WONG YING P: HSU LI HWA David Chiang stars as a comical, cocksure detective investigating a treasure theft in this first-class kung fu adventure. Thief Norman Chu aids him and Lily Li Li-Li appears to be an innocent waif in danger. Phillip Ko Fei is another top fighter who costars, with Alan Chui Chung San, Kwan Yung Moon and Huang Ha. I don’t know who choreographed the action, but it’s all top-notch (especially the extended final showdown). It was the second feature directed by Tsang (who has a small cameo) after THE CHALLENGER (1980). He made THE CRAZY CHASE (1981) next, before kick-starting the popular ACES GO PLACES/ MAD MISSION series.

LOOTERS See: TRESPASS

LORD OF THE FLIES (1961 UK) D/W: PETER BROOK P: LEWIS ALLEN Definitive, truly frightening b/w screen version of William Golding’s novel has a bunch of schoolboys living by their wits (and fear and paranoia) on a desert island in the South Pacific after a plane evacuating them from some unexplained war crashes. James Aubrey and Tom Chaplin become the leaders of two warring tribes. Their conflict results in the death of a weaker child trying to signal passing planes while the others abandon the idea in favour of war games in paradise. Brilliant stuff. With Nicholas Hammond.

LORD OF THE FLIES (1990 US) D: HARRY HOOK W: “SARAH SCHIFF” (JAY PRESSON) P: ROSS MILOY This modernised colour remake got much praise at the time for being more realistic (the kids are American Marines), but for my money the 61 version’s dreamlike fantasy quality blows away this weak, clichéd and bland-looking exercise in futility. Apparently it was only made so that the backers of the original (who had lost the rights to that version) could finally make some money off this version. Balthazar Getty stars, with Michael Greene.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS (1978 US ANIMATED) D: RALPH BAKSHI W: CHRIS CONKLING/PETER S. BEAGLE P: SAUL ZAENTZ Underrated version of the first part of J.R.R. Tolkien’s trilogy benefits from superb animation techniques for the time. Check out the effective drawn-on-live-action sequences (called Rotoscoping, I believe). John Hurt is the voice of Aragorn, André Morell is Elrond and Mel Smith does some stuff. Bakshi’s film previous to this had been WIZARDS.

LORD OF THE WU TANG See: THE KUNG FU CULT MASTER

THE LORDS OF FLATBUSH (1974 US) D/W/P: STEPHEN E. VERONA D/W: MARTIN DAVIDSON W: GAYLE GLECKER/SYLVESTER STALLONE Very likeable nostalgia piece about a gang of leather-jacketwearing, slicked back hair juvenile delinquents (including Sylvester Stallone and Henry “Fonz” Winkler) and their lives in Brooklyn. With Susan Blakely, Ray Sharkey, Armand Assante, Perry King, Brooke Adams and an effective oldies soundtrack. There was a Flatbush tv series in 79.

LORDS OF THE DEEP (manta) (1989 US) D: MARY ANN FISHER W: HOWARD R. COHEN/DARYL HANLEY P: ROGER CORMAN Corman (who makes a cameo appearance) had this crap rushed into production before THE ABYSS could hit theatres. Bradford Dillman is the paranoid commander in charge of an underwater mining complex who causes more death and destruction than the friendly aliens he fears. This fits in with its eco-message. Yuch! With Priscilla Barnes.

LORNA (1964 US) D/W/P: RUSS MEYER W: JAMES GRIFFITH The first of Meyer’s gothic b/w psychosex melodramas is a stark minor classic of its kind. Screenwriter Griffith appears as an intense Greek chorus preacher to introduce it. Lorna (large-chested Lorna Maitland) is a bored backwoods wife who cozies up to an escaped convict one day when her nice but oblivious husband is at work. Hal Hopper has a standout role as a drunken, jealous co-worker who causes trouble. Meyer’s trademark editing and photography, and sex and violence thematics drive this one at a stately yet assured place. Maitland returned in Meyer’s MUDHONEY and MONDO TOPLESS, but first Meyer made FANNY HILL in Europe the same year.

LOS ANGELES See: DEATH WISH II

LOS ANGELES PLAYS ITSELF (2003 US) D/W/P: THOM ANDERSEN The length (almost three hours) and sometimes unreasonable seeming, obsessive narration may be obstacles for many causal viewers, but this very personal look at how LA and LA locations are presented, represented and distorted in the world of Hollywood cinema, compared to what those places actually are and/or were is pretty fascinating. The mix of movie clips used to illustrate points is a pretty esoteric grab-bag, and the whole documentary never quite went the way I expected it to, which are points worth noting next time you think of giving it a miss due to preconceptions (something I almost did myself, and am glad I didn’t). A couple of my favourite parts are a look at the Bradbury Building (D.O.A., THE INDESTRUCTIBLE MAN) and the surprising (but well deserved) praise given to the original, underrated GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS (1974), and its car-chase geography. Henry Jaglom is shown in a negative light, and Andersen makes me want to check out a 1972 “gay masterpiece”, L.A. PLAYS ITSELF (which I guess is where the title of the this doc comes from).

THE LOSERS (nam’s angels) (1970 US) D: JACK STARRETT W: ALAN CAILLOU P: JOE SOLOMON A biker gang led by William Smith are hired by the CIA to make a run through enemy territory in Cambodia to rescue an important POW on customised armoured bikes. If this odd mixture of war movie and biker movie sounds silly, you’d be surprised how well it gels, how engrossing it gets and how exciting the picture is. Adam Roarke, Paul Koslo, Vic Diaz, Caillou and Starrett are all in the cast of this minor exploitation classic lensed in the Philippines. Curiously the IMDb lists a 1968 movie with the same title and plot outline, but different cast. I know nothing of it, but hope to find out something.

THE LOST BOYS (1987 US) D: JOEL SCHUMACHER W: JANICE FISCHER/JAMES JEREMIAS/JEFFREY BOAM P: HARVEY BERNHARD Diane Wiest is a single mom who moves her family to a small California town. Older teen kid Jason Patric ends up involved with a gang of motorcycle riding vampires (led by Keifer Sutherland) who hang around an amusement park, so younger brother Corey Haim recruits the help of the comic bookcollecting vampire hunters the Frog brothers (including Corey Feldman). Expensive, overslick drive-in fare for the MTV multiplex generation was a huge hit, but is not very good. Unfortunately bound to come back to haunt us as a nostalgia favourite in years to come. With Jami Gertz, Alex Winter, Edward Hermann and Barnard Hughes. The two Coreys went on to become a successful direct-to-video team.

LOST CONTINENT (1951 US) D: SAM NEWFIELD W: RICHARD H. LANDAU/CARROLL YOUNG/ORVILLE H. HAMPTON (uncredited) P: SIGMUND NEUFELD Cesar Romero heads an expedition searching for a lost atomic rocket. They do a lot of boring rockclimbing before reaching a forgotten plateau where dinosaurs still roam. Being a b/w Lippert production, you know it’s just gonna be back projection lizards. With Hugh Beaumont, Acquanetta, Whit Bissell, John Hoyt, Chick Chandler, Hillary Brooke, Sid Melton, Murray Alper and some footage from ROCKETSHIP X-M.

LOST HIGHWAY (1997 US) D/W: DAVID LYNCH W: BARRY GIFFORD P: DEEPAK NAYAR/TOM STERNBERG/ MARY SWEENEY Lynch’s first commercial feature since the underrated TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME is very polished-looking and despite occasionally veering into rock video territory, is Lynch pretty damn near his best. The typically confusing story stars Bill Pullman as a sax player who’s married to Patricia Arquette (who has a dual role). They begin receiving videotapes in the mail. Grainy b/w photography showing the outside of their house. Then inside, until eventually Pullman sees himself strangling his wife in another room. He’s sentenced to the electric chair but while on death row transforms into (50s greaser look) Balthazar Getty (HABITAT). Then things get really strange. The wild ending will please Lynch fans, but his detractors won’t find anything new to like here. Lynch regular Jack Nance has one of his final roles as a mechanic. Robert Loggia is a gangster who doesn’t like tailgating, Robert Blake is important as a creepy clownfaced guy and John Roselius and Louis Eppolito are funny investigating cops. With Natasha Wagner, Gary Busey, Marilyn Manon, Henry Rollins, Richard Pryor, Michael Shamus, Lisa Boyle and Mink Stole. Gifford wrote WILD AT HEART.

LOST HORIZON (1973 US) D: CHARLES JARROTT W: LARRY KRAMER P: ROSS HUNTER Frank Capra directed an adaption of James Hilton’s novel back in 1937 and it’s regarded as a classic. I have yet to see that version, but it has to be better than this two hours+ musical remake with Burt Bacharach songs. Peter Finch heads the cast of characters whose plane out of war-torn China is hijacked and crashes in the Himalayas. An expedition led by John Gielgud takes them to Shangri-La, a hidden, peaceful community protected from the elements by surrounding mountains. Sally Kellerman and George Kennedy are quite happy to stay, but grumpy Michael York wants to leave with Olivia Hussey. The songs are terrible. With Liv Ullmann, James Shigeta and Charles Boyer.

LOST IN SPACE (1998 UK US) D/P: STEPHEN HOPKINS W/P: AKIVA GOLDSMAN In the year 2058, the space family Robinson (William Hurt, Mimi Rogers, Heather Graham, Lacey Chabert and Jack Johnson as Will Robinson) and space fighter pilot Matt Le Blanc use a hyperdrive to chart deep space for a habitable planet (Earth is dying). Gary Oldman is Dr. Smith, who sabotages the mission and they end up lost in space. It’s at least better than the dumb 60s show it updates, but there are too many unfunny wisecracks. An attack by a hive of metallic spiders and a time-travelling mutant Smith are the best things about it, and the FX are excellent. With Jared Harris, June Lockhart, Marta Kristen, Angela Cartwright, Edward Fox, Lennie James and the voice of Dick Tufeld. The nicest thing you could say about it is that it makes for a superior (and very expensive) kids’ movie. Hopkins made PREDATOR 2.

LOST IN TIME See: WAXWORK 2: LOST IN TIME

LOST PLANET AIRMEN See: KING OF THE ROCKET MEN

LOST PLATOON 2 See: BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY

LOST SOULS (2000 US) D: JANUSZ KAMINSKI W: PIERCE GARDNER/BETSY STAHL P: NINA R. SADOWSKY/ MEG RYAN Ponderous, pointless supernatural thriller about how bestselling nonfiction crime author Ben Chaplin slowly comes to realise that he is the human embodiment of Satan, set to rule the Earth. Winona Ryder co-stars as some kind of psychic who tries to warn him. And you won’t see much of John Hurt, Philip Baker Hall and Elias Koteas. With Sarah Wynter, John Diehl, W. Earl Brown, Jan Triska and Alfre Woodard. I think it’s set in Canada (people speak French). So is this how Meg Ryan spends her money?

LOST VOYAGE (2001 US) D/W: CHRISTIAN McINTIRE W: PATRICK PHILLIPS P: JEFFREY BEACH/KEN OLANDT/PHILLIP J. ROTH Judd Nelson, Lance Henriksen and Jeff Kober are among the small cast aboard a Mary Celeste-like ocean liner which disappears and then reappears, missing its passengers and crew. Not very scary cable spooker is not worth your time.

THE LOST WEEKEND (1945 US) D/W: BILLY WILDER W/P: CHARLES BRACKETT Ray Milland is great as an alcoholic writer in New York City who has to fend for himself without drinking while his girl and his brother go on a vacation for the weekend. Mikos Rozsa’s highly influential spooky theremin sets the tone as he tries to scrounge up some money to drink anything he can get his hands on, and eventually ends up hallucinating in a scary hospital ward. A must-see b/w nightmare movie, for which Milland (from Glamorgan) won an oscar (he didn’t say anything when he accepted it, just bowed). With Jane Wyman, Howard Da Silva, Phillip Terry, Frank Faylen, Anita-Sharp Bolster, Frank Orth, Clarence Muse, Walter Baldwin, David Clyde, Byron Foulger, Helen Dickson, Earle Hyman, Ernest Hilliard, Eddie Laughton, Perc Launders, James Millican, William Newell, Stanley Price, Craig Reynolds, Lester Sharpe, Lee Shumaway, Douglas Spencer, Fred Toones, Emmett Vogan, Max Wagner and Crane Whitley.

THE LOST WORLD (1925 US) D: HARRY O. HOYT W: MARION FAIRFAZ P: EARL HUDSON/WATTERSON R. ROCKAKER Wallace Beery is the fiery Prof. Challenger who leads an expedition to the prehistoric jungle plateau in this influential early silent b/w version of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s “stupendous tale of adventure and romance”. As well as the excellent animated dinosaurs (including a Brontosaurus that’s captured and taken to London) there’s a mischievous ape man (pro wrestler Bull Montana). With Bessie Love, Lewis Stone, Arthur Hoyt, Lloyd Hughes, Alma Bennett, Margaret McWade, Jules Cowles, Charles Wellesley, Jocko the monkey, Virginia Brown Faire, Nelson McDowell, Gilbert Roland, Leo White and Doyle himself. Willis O’Brien (a name all FX fanatics should know) created the stop-motion monsters. Modern viewers may be surprised by the ahead of their time Bronto-stomps-London scenes. Running times range from 50 to 90-odd mins. It was originally 106. The next version wasn’t until 1960.

THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK (jurassic park 2) (1997 US) D: STEVEN SPIELBERG W: DAVID KOEPP P: GERALD R. MOLEN/COLIN WILSON Turns out that Richard Attenborough has a second island of dinosaurs. He manages to convince Jeff Goldblum (playing his usual aloof and sarcastic self) to go there as part of a research expedition because girlfriend Julianne Moore is on the island. The researchers clash with another rival team of hunters and exploiters sent there as dinosaurs menace. It ends with a dinosaur stomping through San Diego after escaping from the park. This overcalculated formulaic hit is even less enjoyable than the first. With Pete Postlethwaite, Vince Vaughn, Peter Stormare, Arliss Howard, Richard Schiff, Thomas Rosales Jr., Ian Abercrombie, Mark Pellegrino and Spielberg. JURASSIC PARK 3 followed.

THE LOTUS LAMP (bai lian deng; bo lin dang) (1965 HK) D/W: GRIFFIN YUEH FENG P: RUN RUN SHAW Cheng Pei-Pei plays a man in the tradition of Chinese Opera in this Shaw Bros musical fantasy. She’s a student who seeks shelter at a temple, hits a chime to summon the immortal Lady San (Linda Lin Dai) who falls for him, and eventually bares his child (who grows up to be Linda Lin Dai again, this time dressed as a boy). Tin Fung is the Three-Eyed God, who’s not too happy about this, and buries Lady San under a mountain. More happens in this gentle curio of yesteryear, with primitive but cute visual FX, and even some (very theatrical) martial arts. The most bizarre part has a series of men sacrificing themselves by jumping into a cauldron of fire one after the other. Director Feng had been working since the 30s, and moved with the times, ending his career with 70s kung fu flicks for the Shaw studio. With Li Ching, Lydia Shum, Lee Kuan as Sky Dog, Do Dip, Allyson Chang Yan, Yeung Cheung-Yan, Lui Daat, Liu Chia-Liang, Tang Chia, Little Unicorn Chan and Han Ying-Chieh. Wong Sin-Lui (1984’s ARHATS IN FURY) was the assistant director.

LOVE AND A .45 (1994 US) D/W: C.M. TALKINGTON P: DARIN SCOTT Gil Bellows and girlfriend Renee Zelwegger are madly-in-love gas station/liquor store stick-up artists who try to stay one step ahead of their enemies after a hold-up goes wrong and people end up dead. Rory Cochrane is a crazed, vengeful ex-partner who endures tattoo torture and has drugs injected into his bald head. Peter Fonda has his best role in years as the hippy father who uses a voice box to speak (“far out”) after donating his body to experimental drug research. There were many hip white trash culture road movie/violent action movies around at the time, but this one is better than most. Funny, exciting and better than the more respected and famous TRUE ROMANCE. With Jeffrey Combs, Jack Nance, Michael Bowen, the Reverend Horton Heat and Talkington.

LOVE AND BULLETS (1979 UK) D: STUART ROSENBERG/ JOHN HUSTON (uncredited) W: WENDELL MAYES/JOHN MELSON P: PANCHO KOHNER Cop Charles Bronson is asked by the FBI to go undercover in Switzerland so he can escort mobster girlfriend Jill Ireland back to America to testify against an over-the-top Rod Steiger (the most entertaining thing about this barely adequate action adventure). With Henry Silva, Strother Martin, Bradford Dillman, Paul Koslo (with another one of his terrible haircuts and a hearing aid), Val Avery, Billy Gray, Albert Salmi, John Hallam, Andy Romano and Lorraine Chase.

LOVE AND CRIME (meiji, taisho and showa era: grotesque cases of cruelty by women; meiji, taisho, showa: ryoki onna hanzaishi) (1969 JPN) D/W: TERUO ISHII W: MASAHIRO KAKEFUDA/SHIZUO NONAMI During the opening credits, a forensics surgeon (who narrates and looks very, very serious) performs an autopsy on his own wife (the FX are pretty realistic). To try to understand why she committed suicide, he takes a look in the history books at (it seems to me) unrelated criminal cases involving death and women (a weak anthology set-up). The first (Showa era) story involves affairs, gold-digging and axe-murder at a hot springs hotel. Setting the tone for the whole movie, there is violence and nudity. The second segment (Taisho period) is a retelling of Sada Abe’s story (famously adapted as IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES). Most surprising is the brief interview with the real Abe (in her 60s) and the actor playing the forensics surgeon (!) (two years later and Abe would actually disappear). Next a short little story involving castration (and featuring Toru Yori as a schoolboy, a part he is laughably too old to play). Asao Koike is lots of fun to watch as a serial killer and rapist (based on a real person) in post-WWII Tokyo (this part has b/w segments). He’s caught and hanged at the end. Finally a woman sold to a brothel by a man who killed her severely disfigured/diseased husband has to pay for the trouble she’s caused (!) by being beheaded in a snowstorm (the executioner is played by famous Butoh dancer Tatsumi Hijikata). Unsurprisingly the forensics surgeon is no wiser about his wife’s death by the end, but the viewer has had a pretty good time. Also with Eiji Wakabayashi, and Akira Oizumi. This was the sixth entry in Ishii’s loose TOKUGAWA/JOYS OF TORTURE anthology series. PORNO SAMURAI THEATRE followed.

LOVE ANDROID CHERRY See: CHERRY 2000

LOVE AT FIRST BITE (1979 US) D: STAN DRAGOTI W: ROBERT KAUFMAN P: JOEL FREEMAN George Hamilton is Dracula in modern-day Manhattan. Arte Johnson is Renfield and Susan Saint James is the lifetime love in this popular comedy that’s kind of funny at times, but never hilarious. With Richard Benjamin, Dick Shawn, Sherman Hemsley, Michael Pataki, Jack Baker, Rolfe Sedan and Jimmy Williams.

LOVE AT FIRST GULP See: DRACULA EXOTICA

LOVE, BULLETS AND FRENZY See: CHINA 9, LIBERTY 37

LOVE CAMP (divine emanuelle; love cult; die todesgottin des liebscamps) (1980 W.GER GRE) D/ WP: “CHRISTIAN ANDERS” (ILIAS MILONAKOS) Director Milonakos is the main recruiter for a cult led by “the divine one” (Laura Gemser). He convinces the daughter of a senator to come with him to their camp where members sing “give your soul to the everlasting love” and women satisfy male clients into giving donations. A muscleman servant called Tanga initiates virgin girls with violent penetration that makes them bleed and throws those who try to leave into a pit to die. Anders and the girl manage to escape at the end, before Gemser has the camp blown up during an orgy. It’s not very good, but a memorably sleazy take on the Guyana tragedy. With Gabriele Tinti and the voice of Erik Schumann.

LOVE CAMP 7 (nazi love camp) (1968 US) D: LEE FROST W/P: WES BISHOP/BOB CRESSE Before the ILSA movies or THE NIGHT PORTER (1974) and the nasty Italian knock-offs that followed came this cheap adults only “roughie” that played up the sex angle of Nazi concentration camps. The plot (which is narrated) is about allied female spies sent to rescue another woman in one of the camps. The inmates are tortured by a dyke doctor, beaten, made to lick boots clean and have to service German soldiers. Cresse is the Commandant and David F. Friedman has a part. Stock footage of London and a terrible cockney accent from a cab driver can be enjoyed at the end. With John Alderman.

LOVE, CHEAT & STEAL (1994 US) D/W: WILLIAM CURRAN P: BRAD KREVOY/STEVEN STABLER John Lithgow is a successful banker and local small-town figure who gets married to young trophy-wife Madchen Amick. But she’s actually a scheming ex-criminal who’s escaped con husband (Eric Roberts). Bad neo-noir attempt complete with predictable twists was edited by Monte Hellman (which is kinda sad) and debuted on Showtime. With Dan O’Herlihy, David Ackroyd, Richard Edson, Donald Moffatt, Bill McKinney, John Pyper Ferguson, Danny Trejo, Eddie Bunker and a bank robbery with Saddam Hussein and Ayatollah Khomeini face masks.

LOVE CULT See: LOVE CAMP

THE LOVED ONE (1965 US) D: TONY RICHARDSON W: TERRY SOUTHERN/CHRISTOPHER ISHERWOOD P: JOHN CALLEY/HASKELL WEXLER It’s based on a novel by Evelyn Waugh and stars Robert Morse as a British poet who comes to Hollywood after his uncle (Sir John Gilegud) hangs himself. What follows is an incredibly pitch black satire (especially for the time, and from a major studio like MGM) that would probably not get made today (at least, not without leaving a bad taste in your mouth). Over two hours long, there are many outrageous things to enjoy, but it’s Rod Steiger as Mr. Joyboy and Joyboy’s grotesque, obese mother you’ll remember the most. Has a small cult following, but deserves a major one. The unbelievable cast includes Dana Andrews, Liberace, James Coburn, Milton Berle, Tab Hunter, Barbara Nichols, Lionel Stander, Robert Morley, Alan Napier, Elizabeth Ann Roberts, Paul Williams (who grew up to be in the PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE), Jonathan Winters, Roddy McDowall, Robert Easton and Don Haggerty. Jayne Mansfield was cut out.

LOVE EXPOSURE (ai no mukidashi) (2008 JPN) D/W: SHION SONO P: HARUO UMEKAWA Sono (of SUICIDE CIRCLE fame) may paint himself into a bit of a corner towards the end, but his epic fourhour love story is well worth a look, and full of great ideas. Takahiro Nishijima is the teenage son of a Christian priest (Atsuro Watabe) who starts “sinning” with a gang of delinquents so he can connect with dad at the confessional (his father withdrawing after a confused relationship with Makihiko Watanabe). This leads to his training (kung fu style) in the art of “tosatsu” (upskirt panty photography), just so he can have more to confess about. But he can’t get a hard-on until he meets Hikari Mitsushima, an equally fucked-up man-hating Jesus-loving girl who demolishes houses in her spare time. Sakura Andou is the other disturbed teenage lead with religious hangups. Suffice to say, a lot happens from there. The (slightly too) long running time does not drag, and this has a lot more real heart to it than one might expect. With Itsuji Itao, Keisuke Horibe, Nasubi, Mitsuru Fukikoshi, Yuriko Doguchi and I think porn star Meatball. The music is by Yura Yura Teikoku.

THE LOVE FACTOR See: ZETA ONE

LOVE FEAST (the photographer; pretty models all in a row) (1969 US) D/W/P: JOSEPH F. ROBERTSON W: HARRY KAYE/EDWARD D. WOOD JR. After we see the credits painted on naked girls’ bodies, Mr. Murphy (Ed Wood!) tells us how much he likes girls and calls up a model agency to send some around. One after another turn up and Wood gets them all naked on his bed. But Wood (seen in his underpants) has to keep getting up to answer the door so can’t join them. The frustrated Wood is eventually made to wear a dog collar and pink nightie and lick the girls’ boots clean. I love this silly (but genuinely funny) softcore nonsense and Wood is lots of fun to watch, giving himself great dialogue (“I had no idea you looked so ravishing. You make me feel like King Kong”). Recommended.

LOVE FOR A VAMPIRE See: LUST FOR A VAMPIRE

LOVE GOD (1997 US) D/W: FRANK GROW P: ANTHONY BREGMAN Heavily medicated mental hospital patients are being moved into scummy, lowrent apartments in NYC. Will Keenan (from TROMEO AND JULIET) has a compulsive reading disorder, and shares a room with a guy suffering from Tourettes Syndrome. He falls in love with the mute girl next door, who works as a crime scene cleaner with her hygiene-obsessed mother. Meanwhile Dr. Noguchi and his female assistant hunt for a giant one-eyed flatworm found in Mexico that’s escaped into the city sewer system. The creature is attracted to shiny objects (I think). On the plus side, this very loud and kinetic black comedy features top-notch fast editing, crude but cool animation and FX and looks like it was a labour of love. Although exaggerated, the confused, fucked-up “care in the community” characters are also fairly believable. However what starts interesting degenerates midway into something that resembles an arty Troma movie, or something by a less talented Richard Kern. You might enjoy it more than I did, and the grimy NYC atmosphere is very 80s. Stay tuned after the end credits for more extra Love God action.

LOVE, HONOUR AND OBEY (london dogs) (1999 UK) D/W/P: DOMINIC ANCIANO/RAY BURDIS Deliberately anarchic and flippant look at London gangsters is a follow up to the directors’ pretentious FINAL CUT (1998). Most of the main cast return (their character names being the same as their own) which is also pretentious and self-absorbed, but does offer some pretty funny moments. Very much a film for the individual temperament. Jonny Lee Miller narrates how he switched from postman to becoming a crook in a North London gang (run by Ray Winstone, uncle to his friend Jude Law), and the war that erupts between it and a South London mob (kingpinned by Sean Pertwee). Rhys Ifans as Pertwee’s Welsh henchman has most of the funny lines (“Enter the fucking dragon!”). Anciano and Burdis also appear as hoods talking about sex problems. With Sadie Frost (also an associate producer), Kathy Burke, Denise Van Outen and karaoke scenes.

LOVE HOTEL ALL SERVICE (ups and downs of a superstud; pensione amore, servizio completo) (1979 ITL) D/W: LUIGI RUSSO P: ENZO DORIA When a teenage boy is caught fucking the house maid, his parents pack him off to stay at grandma’s seaside hotel to keep him out of trouble. Of course that just means fresh meat for the young stud in this erotic comedy that is not funny, and far from sexy. With Ajita Wilson, Lory Del Santo (Miss Italy the following year) and disco music.

LOVE IN PARIS See: ANOTHER 9 1/2 WEEKS

LOVE LETTERS OF A PORTUGESE NUN (liebesbriefe einer portugiesischen nonne) (1976 SWITZ W.GER) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO W/P: EWRIN C. DIETRICH P: MAX DORA A corrupt Father Confessor (William Berger) deludes 16-year-old Susan Hemmingway’s poor mother into paying for her daughter to become a cloistered nun at the convent he presides over. The place turns out to be run by sadistic Satanists who sexually molest, torture and even attempt to burn Hemingway. Based on the real-life events chronicled by 17th century nun and author Mariana Alcoforado, this works both as a historically accurate look at Catholic corruption, and effective full-blooded exploitation (the very young looking Hemingway looks great naked and in pain). With Herbert Fux as the Devil, and Anton Diffring. If you’ve suffered through some of Franco’s many dull, endless turds, don’t let it put you off this one. The same story was adapted for THE EXQUISITE CADAVER in 1969 by Vicente Arnada (THE BLOOD SPATTERED BRIDE) and apparently there’s also a film by Jorge Grau (LIVING DEAD AT THE MANACHESTER MORGUE) from 78.

LOVE LETTER TO EDIE (1975 US) D/W/P: ROBERT MAIER Maier (who worked on some early John Waters films) made this 14 mins doc about Edith Massey (most famous for her unforgettable turn as the Egg Lady in PINK FLAMINGOS) which is a treasure trove for the Waters fanatic. She tells her life story and we get to see her thrift shop. Mink Stole acts in a hilarious reconstruction of Edie’s early years. Waters himself is interviewed, and Mary Vivian Pearce is glimpsed briefly. Wonderful.

LOVELY BUT DEADLY (1981 US) D/W/P: DAVID SHELDON W: PATRICIA JOYCE/LAWRENCE D. FOLDES P: DORO VLADO HRELIJANOVIC Lucinda Dooley is Lovely, a high school cheerleader who uses martial arts to fight drug-dealers after her brother od’s and drowns. It’s got the right cartoonish exploitation elements for drive-in fans, but never really gets outrageous. With Marie Windsor, Richard Herd, John Randolph, Irwin Keyes honing his big simpleton shtick, Billy Warlock and Gina Goldberg. Dooley returned (as Dickey) in NINJA III: THE DOMINATION.

LOVE MADNESS See: REEFER MADNESS

LOVE ME DEADLY (secrets of the death room) (1972 US) D/W: JACQUES LA CERTE P: BUCK EDWARDS Mary Wilcox is a chaste young woman who ends up with Lyle Waggoner. But she just won’t have sex with him. A mysterious mortician knows why. Wilcox is a closet necrophile having a hard time coming to terms with her obsession. As well as outrageous group necro scenes (the mortician leads a cult of similarly minded perverts), there are disturbing murders of male and female prostitutes, drained of blood while still alive! A little slow-going at times, this is a memorable and shocking surprise. I can only wonder what theatregoers thought of it in 1972! H.B. Halicki (!) was associate producer.

THE LOVES OF COUNT IORGA See: COUNT YORGA, VAMPIRE

LOVE TO KILL (yeuk ji luen; nu zhi lian) (1993 HK) D: BILLY CHUNG W: LAW GAM-FAI/LAU WING-KIN P: KIRK WONG A nasty “family man” (Anthony Wong back in the days when he specialised in real psychos) takes brutal sex games too far with his terrorised wife (Elizabeth Lee). Concerned cop Danny Lee tries to shelter her and her son, but that just makes Wong more determined and violent. Disappointing — it has a reputation as a must-see Category III shocker hinging on just a few brief sex and violence scenes. Too much of it drags with lame drama and comedy, and it’s far from the delirious bad taste mix of the classic THE UNTOLD STORY. With Teresa Ha Ping as the mother-in-law in danger, Julie lee (from the TRILOGY OF LUST movies) and Arnie is seen on tv in PUMPING IRON. Parkman Wong was an executive producer.

THE LUCIFER COMPLEX (1976 US) D/W: DAVID L. HEWITT D: KENNETH HARTFORD W: DALE SKILLICORN P: DAVID E. JACKSON Hewitt’s final directorial atrocity allowed him to use footage from his unfinished WOMEN OF STALAG 13/HITLER’S WILD WOMEN. The resulting rip-off stinker was dumped straight-to-tv by Gold Key in 1979. A survivor of “The Great War” of 1986 lives alone on a remote Pacific island. He sits in a “time capsule” cave, occasionally adjusting dials and watching old war footage and a rock band at a festival, more footage of ’nam etc. on a monitor, while narrating. He eventually shuts up and watches the old Hewitt footage. After visiting dignitaries are gassed in a tour bus, Robert Vaughn cuts out of a belly dancing show and investigates. He bales out of a crashing plane en route to an island and is captured. The Fourth Reich (led by Hitler, who can disappear!) has a camp there, and is busy populating the world with clones. Vaughn fights his own clone. Believe me, I’ve just made this obscure bore sound much more interesting than it is. With Aldo Ray, Keenan Wynn and Leo Gordon.

LUCKY SKY DIAMOND (bloody fragments on a white wall; shiroi kabe no kekkon) (1989 JPN) D: IZO HASHIMOTO Here’s a weird one. Naoko Amihama is a crazy woman locked in a room who hallucinates maggots in her drip and intestines falling out of her vagina as cameras watch. Two people (one male doctor who rapes her, and her sister) shave all her hair off to perform a lobotomy (while singing and dancing). When she wakes halfway through the operation, the sister/assistant (Reiko Nakamura) is turned on and gives him (Shiro Sano from Hashimoto’s EVIL DEAD TRAP 2) a blowjob. Instead of the customary post-coital (or cunnilingus) cigarette, he eats a bug. After the operation the patient’s insistence of a pain in her head annoys the doctor so the assistant stabs her repeatedly in the stomach while he chases her around (dressed in a cardboard box) with a bread knife. After he fondles her intestines, she hits him in the head with a hammer and stabs him. The assistant/sister masturbates and Amihama’s artificial skull plate falls off. It’s 55 mins long.

LUCKY STARS GO PLACES (chui gaai fook sing; zui jia fu xing) (1986 HK) D: ERIC TSANG W: BARRY WONG P: SAMMO HUNG In the fourth Lucky Stars movie (without Jackie Chan), crook Sammo Hung (who’s not in it much) and friends help the police to stop a weapons trade between terrorists and the Japanese Red Army. Reasonable mix of action and comedy (with emphasis on the latter), but unlikely to convert anyone to its type. With Karl Maka, Alan Tam, Kent Cheung, Andy Lau, Richard Ng, Fung Hak On, Anthony Chan Yau, Wong Ching, Billy Lau, Sylvia Chung, Ha Ping, Walter Tso, Stanley Fung, Norman Chu and Hsiao Ho. Bolo Yeung has a cameo in a movie theatre (showing Jackie Chan). THE RETURN OF THE LUCKY STARS, GHOST PUNTING and HOW TO MEET THE LUCKY STARS followed.

LUCKY STARS TRIAD SOCIETY/SYNDICATE See: RETURN OF THE LUCKY STARS

LUKAS’ CHILD (helldamian 3) (1993 US ITL) D/W/P: ERIC LOUZIL P: ROBERT ALDEN MAY Some women who audition for a role in a movie end up locked in cages waiting to be eaten by a briefly seen winged demon monster. A hunky Hollywood cop who seems irresistible to the entire female cast (including porno performer Lisa Comshaw) investigates. A couple of little kids help. A guy in a wheelchair claims the monster is his son. I’m surprised my vcr didn’t spit this one out in disgust. A God-awful production, even worse than the films Louzil made for Troma.

LUNACY See: SILENI

LUNAR COP (astro cop; solar force) (1994 US) D: BOAZ DAVIDSON W: TERRENCE PARE P: DANNY LERNER In the future after “the big burn” the Earth is a desolate wasteland and most of its population now lives on a moon colony (with cyborgs). Michael Pare is a cop sent to Earth to retrieve a stolen device that will cause rain and make the planet habitable again. He discovers a village of peaceful vegetarians and defends them against a gang of destructive bikers (led by Billy Drago). Yes, it’s another ROAD WARRIOR copy, but not as bad as some and may pass 80 mins or so of your time pleasantly enough. Filmed in Namibia.

LUNATIC! (1991 US) D/P: MARK ALFREY W: DONNA PODINSKY P: BRIAN COPOSKY A serial killer called Big Al slaughters couples in their homes in very gory ways (breasts are cut off, decapitations etc.). During one break-in he meets a female copycat killer and they join forces. They smear blood over a naked woman tied to a bed and a guy’s dick is cut off. Some low-key drama involving her brother points towards a strong HENRY influence. I guess the gore FX are ok considering the obvious zero budget, but that doesn’t make it any more entertaining or less pointless. It ends with a stop-motion electric chair execution. The only part I liked (and made me laugh out loud) is the opening murder when a guy’s nose is sliced off with scissors!

THE LUNATICS (les lunatiques) (1908 FRA) D/W/P: SEGUNDO DE CHOMON In this three mins silent, five clowns fall off the moon, tumble through space and dance while transforming into women, Chinamen and blackface minstrels!

THE LUNATICS (2005) See: SILENI

LUNATICS: A LOVE STORY (1989 US) D/W: JOSH BECKER P: BRUCE CAMPBELL Ted Raimi (SKINNER) is a paranoid hermit who never strays from his tin foil-lined apartment, has extreme hallucinations (animated spiders crawl on his brain) and writes poetry. Deborah Foreman is a neurotic and broke poet on the run from a street gang. The two hopeless cases meet and fall in love during a city adventure. Campbell has a few roles (as a heel, a manic surgeon and even Edgar Allan Poe) in this offbeat and nicely done Renaissance Pictures production (Sam Raimi and Robert G. Tapert were executive producers). I liked Jeffrey Dougherty’s camerawork and the giant, cartoonish stop-motion spider. Becker had previously done THOU SHALT NOT KILL… EXCEPT!

LUNATIC THEATRE See: MUSCLE

LUPINE WOLF See: LONE WOLF AND CUB 3

LUPIN III (the secret of mamo; the mystery of mamo) (1978 JPN ANIMATED) D/W: SHOOJI YOSHIKAWA W: ATSUSHI YAMATOYA International cat burglar Lupin (a character created in manga form by Monkey Punch) and the gang (and the ever determined Detective Zenigata) return from the hit animated tv series for their first feature adventure. A mutant harp-playing dwarf called Mamo needs the Pharaoh’s “life stone” that Lupin stole from the pyramids in Egypt to complete his experiments with eternal life. Mamo also clones himself and the wild finale features a giant brain in space. There are some great chase scenes, references to GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE and DUNE, and Fujiko (who’s particularly sexy in this entry) is frequently seen topless (!) and is savagely whipped!! In fact, it’s one of the best in the series. Highly recommended. Followed by THE CASTLE OF CALIGOSTRO.

LUPIN III: ALCATRAZ CONNECTION (2001 JPN ANIMATED) D: HIDEKI TONOKATSU W: HIROSHI KASHIWABARA Lupin, Goemon, Jigen and Fujikochan try to steal gold buried underneath Alcatraz prison, where the Mafia have built an underground city. The JFK assassination is a major plot device. This tv special is not one of the best, but a Lupin movie is always entertaining.

LUPIN III: DARK ORDER OF ASSASSINATION (lupin III: voyage to danger; lupin III: orders to assassinate lupin; lupin III: lupin ansatsu shirei) (1993 JPN ANIMATED) D: MASAAKI OHSUMI/MASAHARU OKUWAKI W: HIROSHI KASHIWABARA P: ITO HIBIKI Detective Zenigata is thrown off the Lupin case, so Lupin and Co. help him on his next assignment to capture an international arms dealer by stealing a nuclear submarine from Russia. But a corrupt police official hires an assassin to kill Lupin, Goemon, Jigen and sexy Fujiko-chan in this typically high quality entry in the series.

LUPIN III: IN MEMORY OF THE WALTHER P38 (lupin III: island of assassins; lupin III: in gedenken an die walther p38) (1997 JPN ANIMATED) D: HIROYUKI YANO W: SHOJI YONEMURA Particularly enjoyable made-for-tv outing for Lupin and the gang involves an island of trained assassins kept obedient by a tattoo that poisons their blood. Lots of fun.

LUPIN III: ISLAND OF ASSASSINS See LUPIN III: IN MEMORY OF THE WALTHER P38

LUPIN III: MYSTERY OF HEMMINGWAY’S PAPERS (lupin III: hemmingway paper no nazo) (1990 JPN) D: TORU DESAKI W: HIROSHI KASHIWABARA Lupin and Co join the search for Hemingway’s last secret document, containing the whereabouts of a great treasure. It’s fun as always, but not one of the better entries.

LUPIN III: NUSUMARETA LUPIN, COPYCAT WA MANATSU NO CHO (2004 JPN ANIMATED) D: HIDEHITO UEDA W: OKAWA TOSHIMITCHI P: RIEKO ONNO After Fujiko is kidnapped, Lupin is tricked into stealing the valuable Bull’s Eye diamond from Ulan Bator. There’s a new female thief character called Becky, but this tired-seeming tv production is a sign that they should quit while the going’s good and leave the Lupin legacy alone. Edit: They didn’t, but I haven’t bothered with any more since this one.

LUPIN III: $1 MONEY WARS (2000 JPN ANIMATED) D: HIDEKI TONOKATSU W: KANJI KASHIWABARA P: HIROSHI YAMASHITA/YASUTOSHI OZAKI More fun with Lupin and Co., this time involving a valuable brooch worn by many ambitious tyrants (Hitler, Lenin, Napoleon etc.) throughout the ages and big business warmongering. A solid entry.

LUPIN III: ORDERS TO ASSASSINATE LUPIN See: LUPIN III: DARK ORDER OF ASSASSINATION

LUPIN III: THE SECRET OF TWILIGHT GEMINI (lupin III: twilight gemini no himitsu) (1996 JPN ANIMATED) D/W: GIZABURO SUGGI W: HIDEKI MITSUI/ NAOYA HIGASHI Lupin and Co. search for missing treasure in Morocco in this below average entry. It does feature an unusually high amount of female nudity though, so it’s the place to look for Fujikochan’s tits.

LUPIN III: STRANGE PSYCHOKINETIC STRATEGY (lupin sansei: nenrikichan sakusen) (1974 JPN) D: TAKASHI TSUBOSHIMA W: HIROSHI NAGANO P: YUTAKA FUJIOKA/SHUNJI OKI Between the immensely popular animated adventures of the world’s greatest cat burglar and the later equally popular animated movies, the world’s only (to date) Lupin III live action movie slipped out. Considering how often the “who would make a good live action Lupin/Fujiko-chan?” conversation sparks off between drunken Japanese of a certain age, it’s surprisingly obscure (there is a French dvd). Yuki Meguro is a surprisingly good Lupin (in goofy mode at least), Ezaki Hideko (who?) a passable Fujiko, Kunie Tanaka a fine choice for Jigen and Shiroh Itoh really chews the scenery as a great Detective Zenigata (there is no Goemon). The largely redundant plot involves valuable clay statues that may be a gift from aliens. There’s a bit too much comedy (some of which is dated and non-PC, some is just downright dark and twisted), a musical number and slapstick. But midway through when you give up expecting the definitive live-action Lupin, it’s actually quite enjoyable in its own right (and more cartoonish than the cartoons!). With Maria Anzai, Akihiro Fujimura, Kyusuki Makashi, Rinichi Yamamoto, E.H. Eric, Fujio Tokida, Hideo Amamoto, Akira Oizumi, Toki Shiozawa, Sachiko Sakai, Hiroshi Ooizumi and Kyuki & Koji Aozara. Manga writer Fujio Akatasuka was a “planner”. Director Tsuboshima helmed some of the CRAZY CATS… series.

LUPIN III: TOKYO CRISIS (lupin III: huno no kioko) (1998 JPN ANIMATED) D: TOSHIA SHINOHARA W: MONKEY PUNCH P: TOSHIO NARATANI/HIROSHI YAMASUITA Lupin and Co. discover that an operation trying to find the hidden treasure of the Tokugawa in modern-day Tokyo is a front for genetic engineering. The villains are trying to create the perfect army with assembled DNA from famous murderers. A clairvoyant journalist is involved and Detective Zenigata resorts to joining forces with Lupin. Great fun as always. There are many more Lupin III adventures (outside of my sample few) out there, chances are (pre-2003 at least) they are worth a watch.

LURKERS (home sweet home) (1988 US) D/W: ROBERTA FINDLAY W: ED KELLEHER/HARRIETTE VIDAL P: WALTER E. SEARS Christine Moore stars as a New York session cellist who has nightmares about her mean mom (who killed her father), bullying kids who tried to strangle her with a skipping rope and monster-faced lurkers that made her childhood in a Washington Heights brownstone hell. Her fiancee seems to be up to no good behind her back. The big surprise at the end of this stupid, long-winded, nonsensical headache of a movie is that the tenement she grew up in is in fact Hell. Ed French provides FX. With Debbie Rochon and Maitland McDonagh. Findlay was also the cinematographer and editor, and Sears co-edited, did the music, was production manager and acts. Kelleher is aka Adlum, the guy behind INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS. I think LURKERS was filmed back to back with PRIME EVIL from the same year, both have the same main production credits, and many of the same actors (they both also stink). Crown International released the pair of them.

LURKING FEAR (1994 US) D/W: C. COURTNEY JOYNER P: VLAD and DANA PAUNESCU A guy gets out of prison and looks up his dad’s old thieving partner/mortician Vincent Schiavelli who gives him a map for a fortune buried at a church graveyard. Bailey ends up in a deserted Massachusetts town at a church with Ashley Laurence, drunken doctor Jeffrey Combs, a priest and some young girl. They’re all hiding out from cannibalistic ghouls that lurk in tunnels under the graveyard. Gangsters led by Brit Jon Finch turn up to complicate matters in this boring horror movie based on a H.P. Lovecraft story. Like a lot of Full Moon releases, it was filmed in Romania.

LUSCIOUS (vivid) (1997 CAN) D/W: EVAN GEORGIADES P: NICOLAS STILIADIS Stephen Shellen is a highly strung (and untalented) artist who’s suffering from a creative block that’s effecting his relationship with his model girlfriend (Kari Wuhrer). They discover that covering each other in paint and fucking on canvases solves their problems, for a while. Erotic drama is a little more engaging than most, but doesn’t really amount to much in the end. Watchable/forgettable.

LUST AT FIRST BITE (dracula sucks; dracula’s bride; this dracula sucks; the coming of dracula’s bride) (1978 US) D: “PHILIP MORRIS” (PHILIP MARSHAK) W: WILLIAM GOLDMAN (?) P: “DAL ALEXANDER” (DARYL MARSHAK) Jamie Gillis is Count Dracula in this relatively faithful but dull and depressing porno remake of DRACULA. Available in a (shorter) hardcore version with more sex, and a bloodier R rated version, this review refers to a composite of both. Reggie Nalder is Van Helsing and John Holmes is a patient at a mental asylum where Renfield lurks. Even the sex isn’t any good. With Annette Haven as heroine Mina Harker, Seka, Serena, Kay Parker, Pat Manning, Nancy Hoffman, John Leslie, Paul Thomas, William Margold and Mike Ranger. It’s not to be confused with DRACULA BLOWS HIS COOL (1979), which was also known as DRACULA SUCKS in some places. Screenwriter Margold may be a pseudonym for the two Marshaks. Philip Marshak was also one of the directors responsible for CATACLYSM. DRACULA EXOTICA was the follow up.

LUST FOR A VAMPIRE (to love a vampire; love for a vampire) (1971 UK) D: JIMMY SANGSTER W: TUDOR GATES P: HARRY FINE/MICHAEL STYLE Awful sequel to THE VAMPIRE LOVERS is based on Sheridan La Fanu’s Carmilla, and is set in an allgirls boarding school where a lesbian bloodsucker struggles with her own identity while finding new victims. There’s a few tits, but no sleaze or gore for the grindhouse and it’s certainly not a quality Hammer picture. Mike Raven is the Christopher Lee-alike Count Karnstein. Cloes-ups of Lee’s eyes were actually edited in. With Ralph Bates, Suzanna Leigh, Christopher Neame, Nick Brimble and Pippa Steel. Shot on the same sets as SCARS OF DRACULA. Followed by TWINS OF EVIL.

LUST FOR FRANKENSTEIN (1998 US SPN) D/W/P: JESÚS FRANCO P: KEVIN COLLINS/HUGH GALLAGHER/ PETER J. EVANKO Frankenstein’s daughter (Lina Romay) discovers and tries to help her father’s tortured creation (Michaelle Bauer, naked apart from stitches) in this very confusing, plotless comeback bore from Franco. There’s lots of sex to bad music (in this Euro version at least) and both Romay and Bauer have unwelcome, unappealing past-theirprime sex scenes. About as sexy as an autopsy, and just as lifeless. With Amber Newman.

THE LUSTFUL AMAZONS See: LES GLUITONES 2

LUSTFUL ADDICTION (1969 US) D: NICK PHILLIPS Very dull and uneventful b/w “adults only” feature (that lasts about an hour) is narrated by a woman who hangs out, takes drugs and gets naked with the “hip folk” who “frolic hippily”. There’s also a hooker with “perverse lesbian hunger, and dope”. The tragic end involves the death of a dealer, some chimps at the zoo and symbolic use of a parking meter. There was a remake (!) in 2002.

LUSTY TRANSPARENT MAN See: INVISIBLE MAN: RAPE!

LUTHER THE GEEK (1989 US) D/W: “WHITEY STYLES” (CARLTON J. ALBRIGHT) P: DAVID PLATT A bald old man with metal teeth is paroled from an asylum/prison after 20 years (he was in for murder) and immediately starts using psychotic carnival geek-inspired behaviour on the outside. After being kicked out of a supermarket for eating raw eggs in the aisle, he sits next to an old lady at a bus stop and bites into her neck! He finds his way to a remote farmhouse where he terrorises a mother and daughter (Stacy Haiduk) with his chicken noises! At its best in the first half when set in daylight and just plain strange, this oddity loses it a little when it tries to be more like a traditional horror flick in the dark (you suddenly realise that an old coot imitating poultry is not really scary). Bounces back with a bizarre ending, though. Overall, worth a look. Geek Luther is played by Edward Terry, who co-wrote 1980’s THE CHILDREN with Albright.

M (1931 GER) D/W: FRITZ LANG W: THEA VON HARBOU P: SEYMOUR NEBENZAL Peter Lorre is memorable in his debut as a paedophile and child murderer, in a performance that reminds you how good he was before all the self-parodies. Needless to say, the subject matter was very shocking for its day, and it still has the power to disturb. If nothing else, it’s an excellent depiction of a city in panic as the police try to catch the killer. Innocent men are lynched in the street by angry mobs if they are so much as seen talking to little girls. The mood is exceptionally grim, and the cast is excellent. With Otto Wernicke, Theodor Loos, Fritz Odemar, Paul Kemp, Theo Lingen, Gerhard Bienhert, Ernst Stahl-Nachbaur, Karl Platen, Josef Dahmen, Ilse Furstenberg and Klaus Pohl. One of Lang’s very best (and that’s saying a lot), beware cut prints missing the fine ending. It was remade in 1951 under the same title, and there’s also THE TENDERNESS OF WOLVES and DEATH MAKER (1995).

MACABRE (1958 US) D/P: WILLIAM CASTLE W: ROBB WHITE Castle’s first gimmick movie (based on a novel by Theo Durrant) offered an insurance policy (from Lloyds of London) for anyone who died of fright during the feature. The story is a not-bad b/w mystery chiller involving a kidnapped little girl, featuring some audience manipulation that Castle would later perfect in classics like HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL and THE TINGLER. With William Prince, Jim Backus and Ellen Corby.

MACABRE (frozen terror; macabro) (1979 ITL) D/W: LAMBERTO BAVA W: PUPI AVATI/ROBERTO GANDUS P: GIANNI MINERVI W/P: ANTONIO AVATI A woman recently released from a mental hospital has an unwholesome obsession with her dead lover’s head, which she keeps in the fridge. Bava’s directorial debut (not counting earlier examples where he helped his dad) is probably the best thing he’s ever done, and the wild ending will leave you speechless. It’s “based on a true story”. Recommended.

MACBETH (1957) See: THRONE OF BLOOD

MACHINE GUN WARS See: THE OUTFIT (1993)

MACH 2 (concorde) (2000 US) D: “EDWARD R. RAYMOND” (FRED OLEN RAY) W: STEVE LATSHAW P: ROBYN STEVENS Brian Bosworth is a secret service agent assigned to protect a presidential candidate during a Concorde flight. Of course, terrorists are on-board as well. With Shannon Whirry, Cliff Robertson, an unrecognisable Andrew Stevens, Richard Gabai, Bruce Weitz and Michael Dorn. The political war-is-profit subplot seems out of place in this generic action dreck.

MACISTE AGAINST THE VAMPIRE (goliath and the vampires; samson vs the vampires; the vampires; maciste contro il vampiro ) (1961 ITL) D/W: SERGIO CORBUCCI D: GIACOMO GENTILOMO W: DUCCIO TESSARI P: PAOLO MOFFA Women are kidnapped from a village by cool and scary-looking masked zombies that work for the blood-drinking vampire Kobrak (Guido Celano) in this good muscleman movie with weird fantasy elements. Gordon Scott is the hero Maciste/Goliath, who’s subjected to big bell torture, walks through a spooky, haunted forest, befriends “blue men”, and has to fight his own double. Good fun.

MACISTE VS. THE MOON MEN See: HERCULES AGAINST THE MOON MEN

MACISTE VS. THE STONE MEN See: HERCULES AGAINST THE MOON MEN

THE MACK (1973 US) D: MICHAEL CAMPUS W: ROBERT J. POOLE P: HARVEY BERNHARD Max Julien is excellent as a street punk who gets out from a five-year stretch in jail and aims to be a highly successful pimp. He starts by hanging out at a pimps’ hairdressers to earwig information, and ascends to the rank of “Mack of the year” at a pimp convention. Don Gordon is a great villain, a corrupt, racist beat cop with a fetish for fat black prostitutes. With Richard Pryor, Carol Speed, Roger E. Mosley, Christopher Brooks (from Fredric Hobbs movies), George Murdock, Juanita Moore, Dick Anthony Williams and June Wilkinson. A classic of its kind, with loads of memorable scenes (the hooker pledge being my favourite) and a great score from Willie Hutch (replaced on some prints). It was a major hit and deserved to be. Screenwriter Poole was not a real-life pimp as is sometimes claimed, but an ex-con who knew “the life”.

MADAME FRANKENSTEIN See: LADY FRANKENSTEIN

MADAME OLGA’S PUPILS See: SEX ACADEMY (1980)

MADAME WANG’S (1981 US) D/W: PAUL MORRISEY P: JACK SIMMONS Lutz (Patrick Schoene) is an East German masochist who jumps off a ship and swims onto a beach in LA as an illegal immigrant. He claims to be looking for Hanoi Jane Fonda so he can kick-start a revolution back home. He meets a hooker and lives with her bizarre family in an abandoned old building. The father is a transvestite whose incessant rant about modern life and hamburgers is hilarious. William Edgar also hangs out and obsessively collects doorknobs and hubcaps. Lutz tries to be a pimp first, and then reluctantly becomes a star slicing his stomach up with a knife at Madame Wang’s, a punk rock hangout that everyone wants to audition for. It turns out that he’s actually a Soviet spy trying to find allies to help accelerate the impending communist takeover of North America. At the end he just gets fed-up with the apathetic Americans and goes home. Morrissey made this extremely difficult to see satire between THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES (1978) (with Peter Cook and Dudley Moore) and MIXED BLOOD. It’s one of his best and had me laughing all the way through. I particularly liked the lesbian folk singer.

MADAM WHITE SNAKE (baeksa buin) (1962 HK) D: GRIFFIN YUEH FENG W: GOT SHUI-FAN P: RUN RUN SHAW You may be familiar with Tsui Hark’s 1993 film GREEN SNAKE. Here’s an earlier, much simpler musical fantasy based on the same Chinese folklore. Lady White Snake (Linda Lin Dai) is a snake spirit in human form who leaves the celestial world to visit our realm, in the company of her younger sister Green Snake (Margaret Tu Chuan). White Snake recognises poor young stockbroker Zhao Lei as the one who saved her life in a previous incarnation, and falls in love with him. He remains true to her despite a meddling Buddhist priest (Yeung Chi-Hing) unveiling her secret and trying to “rescue” him from her in the tragic saga. Not for all audiences (especially a modern one unaccustomed to its stately pacing), but for those inclined this is cute and utterly charming. With Lee Wan-Chung, Yau Gwong-Chiu, Gwaan Jing Leung, Kok Lee-Yan, Chui Chung-Hok and typically great Shaw sets, costumes, lighting and photography. The songs are good, too.

MAD BALLROOM GALA See: MUSCLE

THE MAD BUTCHER See: THE STRANGLER OF VIENNA

THE MAD BUTCHER OF VIENNA See: THE STRANGLER OF VIENNA

MAD CHASER See: KARATE COP

THE MADDENING (1995 US) D: DANNY HUSTON W/P: LESLIE GREIF W: HENRY SLESAR Mia Sara is annoyed with her husband always being away on business, so she takes-off cross-country to her sister’s place with her little daughter. They’re tricked by psycho Burt Reynolds to drive to his out-of-the-way house where they’re held captive by him and his confused/deranged wife Angie Dickinson (there’s some kind of cliché family tragedy). William Hickey is Reynolds’ taunting crippled father in hallucination scenes. John Huston’s son directs this waste of time, but judging from his performance here, Reynolds should play psychos more often. With Josh Mostel.

MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND (blood doctor; grave desires; tombs of the living dead) (1968 PHIL US) D/P: EDDIE ROMERO D: “GERRY” (GERALDO) DeLEON W: REUBEN CANOY Number two in the Blood Island series following BRIDES OF BLOOD. John Ashley and Angelique Pettyjohn star in this lurid but dull horror about a mad scientist creating killer mutants on a remote island by feeding human captives “green blood”. There’s some gore and frantic use of the zoom lens. DeLeon also made WOMEN IN CAGES. BEAST OF BLOOD followed.

MAD DOGS See: MAD DOG TIME

MAD DOG TIME (mad dogs; trigger happy) (1996 US) D/W: LARRY BISHOP P: JUDITH RUTHERFORD JAMES This pretentious and mostly boring gangster drama just goes on and on. Richard Dreyfuss is a big-time gangster who’s released from a mental asylum. Jeff Goldblum is a fast-draw specialist who’s been shacked-up with Dreyfuss’ girlfriend (Diane Lane) and… well, it’s all just pissing in the wind. No amount of explanation or analysis can excuse this dull mess. The only part I liked was seeing Billy Drago. With Ellen Barkin, Gabriel Byrne, Gregory Hines, Kyle MacLachlan, Burt Reynolds, Christopher Jones, Henry Silva, Michael J. Pollard, Angie Everhart, Billy Idol, Richard Pryor, Rob Reiner, Paul Anka, director Bishop and his father Joey. Dreyfuss was also a backer for this waste of an interesting cast.

MADE IN LA See: LA TAKEDOWN

MAD FOXES (stingray 2; los violadores) (1981 SPN SWITZ) D/W: “PAUL GRAY” (PAUL GRAU) W: “JOHN R. WOODHARD” (HANS R. WALTHAL)/MELVIN QUINONES/ JAIME JESUS BALCAZAR (uncredited) P: ERWIN C. DIETRICH (uncredited) Neo-Nazi bikers hassle a wealthy playboy prick (in his prize sportscar) one night; he causes the death of one of their members. They beat him up and rape his virgin girlfriend, so he enlists the help of a friend’s karate school to beat them up at a biker funeral in an amphitheater (they castrate the leader and shove his own cock in his mouth). The bikers retaliate with machine-guns at the karate school. Meanwhile wealthy prick picks up a female hitchhiker (he’s already forgotten the other hospitalised girl) and heads out to his parents’ country estate to waste some running time horse-riding and hunting (and fucking). The bikers turn up and kill the parents and the help (“the whole world will admire us” is their unlikely exclamation as they slit open a maid’s stomach). The next retaliation involves a biker being blown-up with a grenade while on the toilet. It ends with an abrupt explosion. Amazingly stupid cult exploitation wonder would be bad-movie gold regardless, but what really pushes it into surreal territory is the atrocious English-language dubbing. It’s as if the dubbing team (English clearly not being their first language) weren’t even listening to what each other was saying half the time. Note surprisingly nasty violence and abundant nudity (including male), at least in the uncut version. I also like the fact that the leader of the biker gang rides in the most dangerous-looking sidecar I’ve ever seen. Their swastika armbands are always covered up in outdoor scenes (I guess because it was filmed somewhere where such things are a sensitive issue). The score (which I like, against my better judgement) includes the disco funk of E-Type, and the heavy metal of Krokus. I guess that’s the Muggi-Boogie by The Jackys that plays during the out-of-place, gratuitous 50s jiving scene insert. Totally, totally hilarious trash (made by mostly Germans, I think).

MAD HOUSE (1983) See: OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN

MAD LOVE (1935 US) D: KARL FREUND W: P.J. WOLFSON/JOHN L. BALDERSTON P: JOHN W. CONDSIDERIE JR. This outstanding version of Maurice Renard’s novel Les Mains d’Orlac (already filmed as the classic THE HANDS OF ORLAC in 1924) deserves more credit. Colin Clive is the concert pianist who loses his hands in an accident. Peter Lorre is unforgettable as the mad surgeon after his wife (Frances Drake) who grafts the hands of a serial killer onto Clive. Often regarded as a superior horror film that is ruined by “unrequired” comic relief, this should be recognised as an early spoof that stands up perfectly well as both comedy and horror. I find it hard to believe that Lorre is still considered a curiosity who wasn’t fully aware of his hammy performance. Of course he was. Freund was a renowned cinematographer, so it all looks great. With Ted Healy, Sara Hades, Edward Brophy, Henry Kolker, Keye Luke, May Beatty, Sam Ash, Hooper Atchley, Harvey Clark, Nell Craig, Frank Darien, Alphonse Ethier, Billy Gilbert, Robert Graves, Roger Gray, Otto Hoffman, Robert Emmett Keane, Edward Norris, Sarah Padden, Russ Powell, Murray Kinnell, Rollo Lloyd, Theodore Lorch, Michael Mark, Matti Rouhert, Rolfe Sedan, Bernard Siegel, Carl Stockdale, Charles Trowbridge, Monte Vandergrift, Clarence Wilson and Ian Wolfe. Christopher Lee was in THE HANDS OF ORLAC (1960).

THE MAD LOVE LIFE OF A HOT VAMPIRE (1971 US) D: “SVEN CHRISTIAN” (RAY DENNIS STECKLER) Horror porn from Steckler stars Jim Parker (a Vegas tv horror movie host) as Dracula. There’s also Carolyn Brandt (aka Jane Bond) as his wife, a hunchback and a Van Helsing character. Apart from this, INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES… fans will be disappointed to find it’s mostly wall-to-wall XXX sex. See also THE HORNY VAMPIRE.

THE MAD MAGICIAN (1954 US) D: JOHN BRAHM W: CRANE WILBUR P: BRYAN FOY Vincent Price makes magic tricks for the Illusions Inc. company, who have an injunction put on his performance of “The Lady and the Buzz-saw” trick. So he beheads the company president (who also stole his wife Eva Gabor) with a buzz-saw, burns the body and impersonates him wearing a latex mask. Price has to make more latex masks to escape his crimes in this fun, playful slice of Grand Guignol. The perfect Price vehicle. With Jay Novello, Conrad Brooks, Lyle Talbot, Patrick O’Neal and Roy Engel.

MAD MAD GHOST (huang jin dao shi; wong gam do si) (1992 HK) D: BILLY CHAN W: JOHNNY LEE P: CHAN KOOI YUEN Lam Ching Ying does his usual wise Taoist priest thing. This time he moves into a new house haunted by an abusive, chauvinist ghost (Shum Wai) who beats his subservient (and rather stupid) wife. Ying is having none of this, so chucks him out, and the wife hangs out with Ying and his ghostbusting students (and dresses like Madonna). As well as the expected goofy comedy hijinks, there’s some spooky action when Wai returns with other ghosts for revenge, and a subplot involves a couple of foreigners (including Mark Houghton) posing as Christians, so they can dig for buried gold. With Billy Law (also in the MR. VAMPIRE series with Ying), Peter Chan Lung, ghost folding, sped-up chase scenes with a big mallet and Houghton and Co running around with machine-guns exclaiming “it’s more fun than the Vietnam War”. At one point Ying repeatedly punches Wai in the stomach until he pukes into a glass, and then makes him drink it. As uneven, tasteless, and stupid as you’d expect from a patriotic spooky comedy about domestic violence (!?!), but at least it’s not boring.

MAD MAD KUNG FU (ol’ dirty & the kung fu; guai zhao ruan pi she) (1980 HK) D: HO MENG HUA/ YU CHENG CHUN P: CHIEN JUEN Simon Yuen Siu Tien returns as Sam the seed (here called “Old Bamboo Stick”). When he tricks and kills a spoilt, lecherous young man, his corrupt kung fu expert father sets out to trick Yuen by framing and arresting his escort commander friend. Cliff Lok also gets involved and teams up with Yuen to defeat the villain’s Iron head style. Great kung fu comedy with a top-notch final fight choreographed by Chen Yuet San. Ho Meng Hua is most famous for the BLACK MAGIC movies and FLYING GUILLOTINE, but his straight kung fu is also worth a look (see also ABBOT OF SHAOLIN).

MADMAN (the legend lives; madman marz) (1981 US) D/W: JOE GIANNONE P: GARY SALES Absolutely awful teens-in-peril slasher movie. A camp counsellor sings a song about Madman Marz (the lyrics are not unlike a Nick Cave song). The only interesting part is when a girl hides in the fridge (!!!) while being stalked. But that isn’t really worth sitting through the whole movie for.

MAD MAX (1979 AUSL) D/W: GEORGE MILLER W/P: BYRON KENNEDY W: JAMES McCAUSLAND Mel Gibson (way before he was so famous) stars as Max, a Highway Patrol cop in a desolate postnuke future where violence and crime are rampant (especially on the roads). A motorcycle gang of out-laws target him after he kills their leader, first picking off his friend and partner. But when the gang run down his wife and child, Max loses everything but his cold-hearted desire for revenge. What follows is some of the best and most exciting action cinema in the world, with a number of the stunts being mind-bogglingly good (especially considering the low budget). Hugh Keas-Byrne is memorable as the Toecutter. A huge cult hit, recently made more widely available in the original Australian uncut version, not the dodgy US dub.

MAD MAX 2 (the road warrior) (1982 AUSL) D/W: GEORGE MILLER W: TERRY HAYES/BRIAN HANNANT P: BYRON KENNEDY Mel Gibson returns in this less serious but seriously exciting and actionpacked sequel. The anti-hero of the wasteland helps a small peaceful community battle sadistic punks in customized vehicles who hog all the oil, a precious resource. The highways of the future have never looked so kinetic. This car chase classic has been endlessly copied over the years (particularly in Italy). With Bruce Spence and Vernon Wells.

MAD MAX 3: BEYOND THUNDERDOME (1985 US AUSL) D: GEORGE OGILIVE D/W/P: GEORGE MILLER W/P: TERRY HAYES Gibson and Spence return in this disappointing, lighter third entry. Tina Tuner co-stars and Angelo Rossitto is the best thing about it as the top-half of “the master”. Apart from that it’s a dull story about Max saving kids from the desert and dueling in a small steel cage arena. There’s no motorized action and no real reason (apart from Rossitto) to watch.

MADMEN OF MANDORAS See: THEY SAVED HITLER’S BRAIN

MAD MISSION See: ACES GO PLACES (series)

MAD MONKEY KUNG FU (fung hau; feng hou) (1979 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG W: I. KUANG P: MONA FONG/RUN RUN SHAW This one begins with scheming Lo Lieh framing travelling stage martial arts performer Liu Chia Liang for adultery. He smashes his hands and takes his sister (Kara Hui) for a concubine. Years later old rivalries resurface as Liang teaches comical Hsiao Hou monkey kung fu so he can battle oppression in his town. Fans of Liu Chia Liang should expect another highly entertaining kung fu classic with plenty of masterful action (and laughs), and for the uninitiated it’s a great place to start. With Wong Ching Ho, Lam Fai Wong, Lin Ke Ming, Nang Han Chan, Chang Hei, Yuen Wah and Sai Gwa Paau.

THE MAD MONSTER (1942 US) D: SAM NEWFIELD W: FRED MYTON P: SIGMUND NEUFELD Mad renegade scientist George Zucco rants in his lab to imaginary projections of fellow scientists who ridiculed him. He takes revenge by turning dumb, near-retarded handyman Pedro (Glenn Strange) into a wolf man (by injection), and sending him to kill his enemies in the city. It’s fun to see hairy Strange wearing overalls and a suit, but this is a pretty silly Poverty Row horror from PRC (the seal of — ahem — quality). With Anne Nagel, Mae Busch, Johnny Downs, Sarah Padden, Gordon De Main, Reginald Barlow, Robert Strange, Henry Hall, Ed Cassidy, John Elliott, Slim Whitaker and music from David Chudnow. In b/w.

MAD MONSTER PARTY? (1967 US ANIMATED) D: JULES BASS W: KEN KOROBKIN/HARVEY KURTZMAN W/P: ARTHUR RANKIN JR. Baron Frankenstein (the voice of Boris Karloff) invites a bunch of monsters from all over the world for their annual convention. He also invites his timid, clumsy pharmacist nephew to take over as chairman. Yetch (with a Peter Lorre voice) is his lovesick, lecherous assistant with a detachable head who wants the sexy redhead secretary (voiced by Gale Garnett). The great voice of Phyllis Diller is used for the bride of the Frankenstein monster. It’s also a musical, so a very cool all-skeleton band get to play the catchy The Mummy (actually by a combo called Dyke and the Blazers). This fun stop-motion puppet animation (that was actually animated in Japan) is perfect for kids, but horror fans of all ages should enjoy. It reminded me of the novelty hit single Dinner With Drac by horror host legend Zacherle.

MADNESS (1993) See: GLI OCCHI DENTRO

MADNESS HILL See: STAUNTON HILL

MAD NIGHT See: DOUBLE JEOPARDY

THE MAD PEOPLE See: THE CRAZIES

THE MAD PLUMBER See: THE PLUMBER

MAD RIDER (1983/I) See: THE EXTERMINATORS OF THE YEAR 3000: THE MAD RIDER

MAD RIDER (1983/II) See: WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD

MAD ROCK KILLER See: SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE 2

MAFIA VS. NINJA (hong men jue e zhe)(1984 TAI) D: ROBERT TAI W: EVIA TAO P: HELEN WU/LAM TIEN HUNG Alexander Lo Rei arrives in Shanghai and ends up in a Chinese gang trying to out-ruthless Japanese gangsters (and ninjas!) who are pushing drugs. Some other villains include Eugene Thomas/ Trammel from Tai’s NINJA: THE FINAL DUEL and a scarred cigar smoking knife thrower. An obvious lack of budget (and some bad acting) occasionally make it laughable, but Tai’s always inventive fight choreography and wirework makes sure that this cartoonish release is never boring. In fact Tai is one of kung fu cinema’s most underrated practitioners. As well as his own entertaining directorial efforts, he’s choreographed some of the most exhilarating fight scenes on celluloid. Rumour has it that he’s responsible for a large chunk of the work on some Chang Cheh classics. There was a either a follow up MAFIA VS. NINJA tv series, or this is actually edited down from one (that would explain the nutty, nonsensical plot), I’m not sure which.

MAGIA NUDA See: MONDO MAGIC

MAGIC (1978 UK) D: RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH W: WILLIAM GOLDMAN P: JOSEPH E. LEVINE/RICHARD P. LEVINE/C.O. ERICKSON Ponderous extension of the dummy sequence from DEAD OF NIGHT stars Anthony Hopkins as the successful ventriloquist who’s controlled by his popular but evil dummy Fats. With Ann Margret, Burgess Meredith, Ed Lauter and David Ogden Stiers. Based on Goldman’s novel.

THE MAGIC CLOAK OF OZ (1914 US) D: J. FARRELL MACDONALD W/P: L. FRANK BAUM P: LOUIS F. GOTTSCHALK Fascinating early b/w OZ silent (based on Baum’s Queen Zixi of Ix Or: The Story Of The Magic Cloak) is the middle entry of a trilogy (between THE PATCHWORK GIRL OF OZ and HIS MAJESTY, THE SCARECROW OF OZ). Originally five reels long, it was later split into two parts, THE MAGIC CLOAK and THE WITCH QUEEN. The current print is a (shorter) splice of those two which runs 38 mins. The main plot involves a magic cloak woven by fairies. But most modern-day viewers will like the hard to believe, primitive men-in-animal-costumes best, and the rotund Rolly Rogues (who “love soup”) and become (obvious) rocks when they roll down a mountain. The title cards have (usually faded and hard to see) pictures on them. With Mildred Harris and Juanita Hansen.

MAGIC COP (mr. vampire 5; kui moh ging chaat; qu mo jing cha) (1989 HK) D: STEPHEN TUNG WAI W: SAM CHI LEUNG/TSANG KAN CHEUNG P: LAM CHING YING Lam Ching Ying (who choreographed the action along with Han Yiu Chung and Chow Gam Kong) plays more-or-less the same one eyebrow priest role as in the MR. VAMPIRE series as a modern-day cop who uses old-fashioned magic rituals to fight crime. Michiko Nishiwaki is the villainous witch at work creating zombies/vampires (they don’t hop in this one). This action fantasy takes a while to get going, but once it hits its stride it’s highly entertaining stuff with a wealth of imaginative FX. With Miu Kiu Wai, Wu Ma, Frankie Chan and Billy Chow.

THE MAGIC CRANE (san sin hok san cham; xin xian hao shen zhen) (1993 HK) D: BENNY CHAN W/P: TSUI HARK Confusing period kung fu fantasy stars Tony Leung, the giant bird of the title, a giant tortoise (and it’s liver) and features some pretty wild martial arts scenes. Unfortunately it doesn’t quite gel and what’s left is just a passable timewaster. That said, stick around for the memorably insane climax where villain Lawrence Ng swings a big bell around before being inflated with a flute until he explodes. With Chiu Wai, Anita Mui, Rosamund Kwan and Damian Lau.

THE MAGICIAN (1973) See: AUTOPSY

THE MAGIC LAND OF MOTHER GOOSE (santa visits the land of mother goose) (1967 US) D: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS P: J. EDWIN BAKER Lewis’ second kids’ movie (after JIMMY THE WONDER BOY) is just a filmed stage play that mercifully lasts only 60 mins or so. King Cole releases characters from Mother Goose’s story book and Merlin the magician (Ray Sager as Ray Huston with an echo voice) does some tricks to help him out. An over-the-top cackling witch (the screen turns red when she appears) freezes everyone and at the end Mother Goose tells everyone to get back in the book. The End. SANTA VISITS… is a Christmas release version with a wraparound featuring Santa. In any version it’s a painful, boring endurance test. References to Casper the friendly ghost were electronically changed to avoid legal action.

MAGIC QUEST See: THE SWORD AND THE SORCEROR

THE MAGIC SWORD (1962 US) D/W/P: BERT I. GORDON W: BERNARD SCHOENFELD Evil sorcerer Basil Rathbone kidnaps Princess Ann Helm. Her valiant rescuer must get through “seven curses” to reach her. These usually take the form of not-at-allbad Bert I. Gordon FX monsters. I like the big ugly ogre and dragon at the end best. A boiling swamp turns a knight into a skeleton. Look for Angelo Rossitto, Richard Kiel and Maila “Vampira” Nurumi made-up as a hag. With Marlene Callahan.

MAGIC TO WIN See: THE HAPPY GHOST (series)

THE MAGIC VOYAGE OF SINBAD (sadko) (1952 SVU) D: ALFRED POSCO W: KARL ISAR P: JOSEPH MOSS This colour Soviet fantasy film with a moral message was released ten years after it was made (in 1962) in the US with an English-language dub (adapted by Francis Ford Coppola) that turned it into a Sinbad movie. It’s a little slow-going, but looks great with imaginative sets and FX as “Sinbad” searches for a bird of happiness to end the greed in the city of Kovalson, and discovers Atlantis. Based on an opera by Rimski-Korsakov, it’s interesting to see what was going on on the other side of the iron curtain. With real bear wrestling.

MAGNIFICENT ACROBATS See: SHAOLIN DAREDEVILS

THE MAGNIFICENT BUTCHER (lam sai wing; yan che miu dik; lin shi rong; ren zhe wu di) (1980 HK) D: YUEN WOO PING W: WONG JING/DANG GENG SAN P: LOUIS SIT/RAYMOND CHOW Sammo Hung stars as Butcher Wing, the best but also most troublesome student of Wong Fei Hung (Kwan Tak Hing). Another kung fu school’s prodigal son is the devious Fung Hak On whose jealousy and greed triggers plot convolutions and multiple misunderstandings (aka the plot) that lead to Butcher having to learn Iron Palm to defeat the unbeatable Cosmic Palm style. Yuen Siu Tin was lined up to play Sam the Seed again but died during production and replaced by Fan Mei Shing. Look for Yuen Biao using elbow knives against Lam Ching Ying (the one eyebrow priest from the MR. VAMPIRE series). With Lee Hoi San, Chung Faat, Wei Pei, Wilson Tong, Yuen Miu, Tsang Choh Lam, Fung Ging Man, Sai Gwa Paau, Ho Pak Kwong and Billy Chan. It’s great of course, with endless wonderfully choreographed fight scenes and acrobatics from Sammo and the Yuen Clan. Only drawback I can think of is a lack of training scenes, but maybe that’s just being picky. Filmed back to back with DREADNAUGHT.

MAGNIFICENT NATURAL FIST See: DEADLY SHAOLIN LONGFIST

MAGNIFICENT NINJA See: NINJA OF THE MAGNIFICENCE

THE MAGNIFICENT RUFFIANS See: THE DESTROYERS

MAGNIFICENT SWORDSMAN See: SWORDSMAN WITH AN UMBRELLA

THE MAGNIFICENT 3 (cheng fa; ching fat) (1979 HK) D: CANON MAN W: SITO ON P: ALEX GOUW Yasuaki Kurata seems to be playing himself, a karate champ who’s won a holiday to Santa Domingo (in the Dominican Republic). We know this because he listens to a cassette of himself winning a fight on a boombox. At a disco where everyone goes mental watching a performance by the “world disco champion” (priceless scene), Kurata and Chinese restaurant waiter Tony Poon Kin-Gwan (a prolific action director in his only starring role) wade into a fight and help Jimmy (“Bronson Lee”, real name Tadashi Yamashita, whose character is supposed to be American). They end up in a tough jail, only to be released by a General (a troop of soldiers announce his entry in his own home!) who wants them to (cue contrived loopy revenge plot) cause trouble for his fat cheating successful businessman brother (and his bitch wife with Mafia connections) because he caused their mother to become mentally ill! The final showdown between our heroic trio and “Black Panther”, an incredible muscle-bound “American killer” is worth waiting for. Also worth the price of admission is the fighter on roller skates, and a gangly, squawking white guy doing chicken style! Comedy includes the disturbing sight of Kurata and Yamashita in drag. Overall an entertaining mess (with great action) from Goldig. Fight choreographer Luk Chuen (apparently a Japanese guy named Shikamura Yasuyoshi) is the head Korean bodyguard. Music by Frankie Chan.

MAGNIFICENT WARRIORS (chung wa chin si; zhong hua zhan shi) (1987 HK) D: DAVID CHUNG CHI MAN W: TSANG KAN CHEUNG Michelle Yeoh and comic relief Richard Ng join Derek Yee to do battle against Japanese villains in this instantly forgettable action movie that wastes a lot of decent martial arts, stunts and explosions. Hwang Jang Lee is also a villain. Choreography by Fung Hak On, Stephen Tung Wai, Benz Kong To Hoi and Stanley Tong.

THE MAGNIFICENT WONDERMAN (the wonderman from shaolin) (1978 S.KOR) D: “GODFREY HO” W: “ROBERT SZETO” P: “TOMAS TANG”/JOSEPH LAI Casanova Wong is a martial arts expert who pretends to be a deaf mute beggar to root out Manchu thieves intending to steal a golden Buddha from the Shaolin temple. This kung fu film is better than most from “Ho” (so probably helmed by someone else then), with reasonable action sprinkled throughout. Big metal claw gloves are deployed in the final duel. With Ho regulars Elton Chong and Eagle Han. Probably a Korean film stolen and released by IFD.

THE MAGNETIC MONSTER (1952 US) D/W: CURT SIODMAK D: HERBERT L. STROCK (uncredited) W/P: IVAN TORS Richard Carlson narrates as a research scientist “A-man” for the Office of Investigation (OSI) in this strange, cheap, stock-footage-padded but effective little B picture in which the title menace is never seen. It begins when all the objects in a clock shop become magnetized, and OSI discover the trail of a deadly radioactive element (and a corpse) in the room above. After a city wide search, they eventually find the energy-sucking stuff that implodes to create more energy, and then doubles in size. It could be the secret of creation! The exciting climax with Carlson and King Donovan attempting to “choke” it with to much electric energy courtesy of a 30m volt Delatron beneath the sea utilises stock footage from the 1934 German sci-fi GOLD. I rate it as one of the most engaging and inventive of the decade’s economic sci-fi programmers. With Kathleen Freeman, Strother Martin, Michael Fox, Frank Grestle, Byron Foulger, Lee Phelps, Leonard Mudie, Roy Engel, Billy Benedict, Charles Williams, Douglas Evans and an “electronic brain” (computer) called M.A.N.I.A.C. Siodmak (whose novel Donovan’s Brain was turned into a movie around the same time) had previously helmed BRIDE OF THE GORILLA, but it was apparently editor and editorial supervisor Strock who made most of this. He followed with GOG.

MAGNOLIA (1999 US) D/WP: PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON P: JOANNE SELLAR After the success of BOOGIE NIGHTS Anderson made this rambling three-hour character cross-study (kinda like Robert Altman’s SHORT CUTS) which will fascinate some and really bore others. The tales range in topics, but are somehow co-incidentally connected. There are some great scenes (and some overlong and pretentious ones) and aside from a few overacting exceptions the cast is great. It’s as well made as BOOGIE but much more serious and less enjoyable. I liked the opening narrated, historical background and the frogs best (if nothing else, that should surprise you). Tom Cruise is a self-help guru giving seminars on his how-to-get-girls book (“respect the cock”), Jason Robards and Philip Baker Hall are both dying of cancer, William H. Macy wants braces real bad, cop John C. Reilly loses his gun etc. etc. etc. With Melora Walters, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Julianne Moore, Luis Guzman, Ricky Jay, Alfred Molina, Michael Bowen, Thomas Jane, Veronica Hart, Michael Shamus Wiles, Orlando Jones, Henry Gibson, Allan Graf, Robert Downey, Phil Hawn, Miriam Margoyles, Patton Oswalt and Jim Beauer.

MAGNUM FORCE (1973 US) D: TED POST W: JOHN MILIUS/MICHAEL CIMINO P: ROBERT DALEY Post had already directed Clint Eastwood in HANG ‘EM HIGH (1968) when he made this worthwhile sequel to DIRTY HARRY. David Soul, Robert Ulrich and Kip Niven are motorcycle cops who take it upon themselves to kill “criminals” untouched by the law. It’s not as good as the classic original, but it is a superior 70s thriller with enough gritty action and atmosphere for Harry Callahan fans. And think about how many times you’ve seen the opening minimart shoot-out scene copied. With Hal Holbrook, Tim Matheson, Suzanne Sommers, Mitch Ryan and John Mitchum. Check out the screenwriting credits. THE ENFORCER followed.

MAJIN, MONSTER OF TERROR See: DAIMAJIN

MAJIN STRIKES AGAIN See: WRATH OF DAIMAJIN

MAJOR DUNDEE (1965 US) D/W: SAM PECKINPAH W: OSCAR SOUL/HARRY JULIAN FINK P: JERRY BRESSLER Union Cavalry Major Dundee (Charlton Heston) leads a small army of “thieves, renegades and deserters” and Confederate prisoners into Mexico near the end of the Civil War. They plan to capture or kill Apache Indians that massacred a small town and stole the children. With Richard Harris, James Coburn, Warren Oates, R.G. Armstrong, Ben Johnson, L.Q. Jones, Slim Pickens, Dub Taylor, Senta Berger, Mario Adorf, Brock Peters, Michael Pate, José Carlos Ruiz, Aurora Clavel, Enrique Lucero, Francisco Reigueral and Cliff Lyons. Epic in scope, the studio recut the picture and Peckinpah hated the final result. But it’s still an excellent western that’s well worth watching. A director’s cut is long overdue.

MAKAI TENSHO (2003 JPN) D: HIDEYUKI HIRAYAMA W: SATOKO OKUDERA P: AMANO KAZUTO Kazetaro Yamada’s hugely popular fantasy novel about a slaughtered young Christian rebel who returns from the dead as a hellish warmonger who can reincarnate the dead (using topless female sacrifices) in Tokugawa-era Japan had already been filmed as the Sonny Chiba vehicle SAMURAI REINCARNATION by Kinji Fukasaku in 1981 and REBORN FROM HELL (two parts) in 1996. There’s also the animated NINJA RESURRECTION (1997). This flat and unimaginative big-budget version stars a badly miscast Yosuke Kubozuka (PING PONG) as the supernatural villain. Koichi Sato is the heroic swordsman who must defeat him. With Masaya Kato, Tetta Tsugimoto, Kumiko Aso, Akira Emoto, Jun Kunimura, Kazuya Takahashi, Kazue Fukyishi, Katsuo Nakamura and Kyozo Nagatsuka as Musashi Miyamoto.

MAKE THEM DIE SLOWLY See: CANNIBAL FEROX

MAKO: THE JAWS OF DEATH See: THE JAWS OF DEATH

MALABIMBA (the malicious whore; possession of a teenager) (1979 ITL) D: “ANDREW WHITE” (ANDREA BIANCHI) W: PIERO REGNOLI P: GABRIELE CRISANTI A bickering family of aristocrats on its last legs hold a séance at their ancestral castle home. The spirit of Countess Lucrezia seems to take possession of Giuseppe Marroco’s teenage daughter Bimba, and she’s soon spouting obscenities and trying to seduce family members. She gives her paralysed uncle a blowjob until he keels over and dies! Others are doing their own fucking (when they’re not arguing). A horny nun eventually commits suicide by jumping off a roof, in order to prevent the perversion from spreading. This ending neatly signposts both “influences” at work here, THE EXORCIST and sexy nun movies of the 70s. Actually quite boring, but just so sleazy (sleaze levels elevated by hardcore sex inserts) that it’s a must-see for Eurotrashers seeking such ambiance. There’s a lot of zoom lens use, too. Running times over the years have varied, but an “integral” composite on the Severin dvd runs 98 mins and seems complete. Bianchi made BURIAL GROUND next (at the same location?).

MALESTROM See: L’AL TROVE

MALEVOLENT (2001 US) D: JOHN TERLESKY W: DENNIS SHRYACK/PETER BELLWOOD P: LISA HANSEN/ PAUL HERTZBERG Cop Lou Diamond Phillips loses his gun to stalker Edoardo Ballerini, while under investigation from Internal Affairs. Kari Wurher is a teacher and exotic dancer also in danger. Most L.D. Phillips vehicles are worth passing on, and this is no exception. It even steals car chase footage from THE CORRUPTOR and MARKED FOR DEATH! With Carmen Argenziano, Steven Bauer and Jack McGee.

MALEVOLENT MALE (yan yuk tin foo lau; ren rou tian fu luo) (1993 HK) D: LIN CHI FAN P: LEE KIN HING/CHRIS LEE In the spirit of THE BUN MAN and DR. LAMB, here’s another tale of mutilation with the grisly events depicted in lengthy flashbacks to investigating police. A disclaimer at the beginning explains that it’s not true like those other two hits though (and there’s less emphasis on comic relief). A butcher and compulsive gambler (Tommy Wong Kwok Leung) has an affair with a female butcher who hacks up his wife and buries the remains in the woods. All the gore is in the opening five mins, so unless you want to watch unlikeable, mean cops bullying innocent suspects I’d tune out after that.

MALIBU HIGH (1979 US) D: IRVIN BERWICK W: JOHN BUCKLEY/TOM SINGER P: LAWRENCE D. FOLDES Schoolgirl Jill Lansing (in her only known role) is sick of her nagging mother and is flunking at school. She becomes a teen hooker who makes money in the back of her abusive pimp’s van. She seduces her teachers for better grades. When old Principal John Harmon threatens her plans, a striptease gives him a heart attack. A higher class pimp takes her under his wing and soon she adds assassination to her resumé. It all ends in tragedy. I really enjoyed watching this tacky, sleazy but very engaging drive-in fodder from Crown International. It was Berwick’s last film as director. Buckley also wrote his HITCH HIKE TO HELL. YOUNG WARRIORS was the follow up.

MALICE (1993 US) D/P: HAROLD BECKER W: AARON SORKIN/SCOTT FRANK/JONAS McCORD P: RACHEL PFEIFFER/CHARLES MULVEHILL Alec Baldwin is good as a megalomaniacal surgeon who moves in with New England campus dean Bill Pullman and his wife Nicole Kidman. Baldwin fucks up while operating on Kidman and a serial rapist/killer stalks students in a subplot of this serpentine thriller which would be quite good if it didn’t blatantly copy an earlier tv movie THE OPERATION (1990). With George C. Scott, Peter Gallagher, Anne Bancroft, Gwyneth Paltrow, Bebe Neuwirth, Josef Sommer, Tobin Bell and David Bowe.

MALICIOUS (1995 US) D: IAN CORSON W: GEORGE SAUNDERS P: ROBERT and WILLIAM VINCE Yet another (high school) FATAL ATTRACTION copy. This time with Patrick McGraw and Molly Ringwald. A cat is killed. Ok but tame, undistinguished clone. Ringwald was playing students 10 years earlier and has a brief topless scene here (as does Sarah Lassez). With John Vernon as a cop and Mimi Kuzik.

MALICIOUS 2 See: BODILY HARM

THE MALICIOUS WHORE See: MALABIMBA

MALONE (1987 US) D: HARVEY COKLISS W: CHRISTOPHER FRANK P: LEO C. FUCHS Burt Reynolds is a retired hitman who helps residents in a small stop-over town to fight a corporate villain and his henchmen. Not too exciting. With Kenneth McMillan, Cynthia Gibb, Scott Wilson, Lauren Hutton, Phillip Anglim (THE ELEPHANT MAN), Tracey Walter, Cliff Robertson, Dennis Burkley, Duncan Fraser, Campbell Lane, Tom McBeath, Don McKay, Blu Mankuma, Walter Marsh, Don S. Davis, Frank C. Turner and Stephen E. Miller.

MALPERTUIS (legend of doom house) (1972 FRA BEL W.GER) D: HARRY KUMEL W: JEAN FERRY P: PAUL LAFFARGUE/PIERRE LEVIE A sailor (the very teutonic-looking Mathieu Carriere) on shore-leave at his home town finds nothing left of his family and their house. Events seem to conspire to land him at the titular place “in Hell”, a big maze of an old house (great sets) ruled over by the God-like Cassavius (Orson Welles). Cassavius insults everyone on his death bed, and rules that the gold-digging weirdos that hang around must remain in Malpertuis if they want to get their hands on his inheritance. Susan Hampshire looks great in a triple-role. It’s pretty difficult for a synopsis to do justice to this unique adaptation of Jean Ray’s 1943 novel, but it’s a surreal and sumptuous feast of a puzzle-box (which incorporates Greek mythology) that at times inhabits a cosily morbid dreamworld not unlike the one of THE FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLERS (high praise indeed). The ambiguous ending (which quotes Lewis Carroll) may be a little blunted from years of (perhaps indirect) imitation, but still, beautiful work. With Michel Bouquet, Jean-Pierre Cassel, Walter Rilla, Dora van der Groen, Ward de Ravet, and look out for Johnny Hallyday as a sailor. In the 120 mins version I saw, Welles was dubbed by someone else into Belgian, but he apparently provided his own voice for a (shorter) English dub. Hearing his booming voice command his servants from upstairs will remind British viewers of a certain generation of the 80s cartoon TRAP DOOR! Kumel had previously made the cult favourite DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1971).

THE MALTESE FALCON (1931) See: DANGEROUS FEMALE

THE MALTESE FALCON (1941 US) D/W: JOHN HUSTON Huston’s debut as a director was this classic b/w hit, the third screen version of the Dashiel Hammett novel. Photographed by Arthur Edeson, it’s one of the original film noirs and features a killer cast. Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade, Mary Astor, Elisha Cook Jr., Gladys George, Ward Bond, Barton MacLane, Jerome Cowan, Walter Huston, Lee Patrick, James Burke, Murray Alper, John Hamilton, Charles Drake, Chester Gan, Creighton Hale, Robert Homans, William Hopper, Hank Mann, Jack Mower and Emory Parnell. But Peter Lorre and Sidney Greenstreet almost steal the picture with their inspired pairing which continued in many other pictures. If you haven’t seen it yet, then do so.

MAN AND HIS MATE See: ONE MILLION B.C.

MAN BEAST (1955 US) D/P: JERRY WARREN W: B. ARTHUR CASSIDY Warren’s directorial debut is proof that he was on a mission to send late-night tv viewers to sleep from the get-go. A woman searches for her brother in the Himalayan climes with the help of some explorers. They encounter a man-in-a-suit Yeti (with a club). It turns out to be under the control of an advanced half human/half Yeti who wants his race to evolve by mating with human women! It’s much less interesting than it sounds, a very long 62 b/w mins.

MAN BEAST (1980) See: ANTHROPOPHAGUS THE BEAST

THE MAN BEHIND THE SCISSORS See: HASAMI OTOKO

MAN BEHIND THE SUN (black sun 731; camp 731; hak taai yeung 731; hei tai yang 731) (1987 HK) D: MAU DU FAI W: MOU WEN YUAN/TENG DUN JING/ LIU MEI FEI P: FU CHI Not as accurate as some would have you believe, this stark piece of propaganda concerns a WWII experiment camp in Manchuria where Japanese soldiers and scientists were supposed to have experimented on (mostly) Chinese, Korean and Russian prisoners of war. Exactly what the scientific results of smashing the fingers off a guy’s deep frozen hand and arm might be I’m not quite sure. Other atrocities include a (real) cat thrown to a pack of hungry rats, a guy’s intestine unspooling through his arsehole in a pressure chamber, skin stripping and the autopsy of a living boy (the FX in this scene make use of a real cadaver). Exploitation fans should note however that you have to sit through a lot of dull drama and so-so character development to see these outrageous scenes. I recommend Hal Gold’s Unit 731 Testimony book for a more measured record of this harrowing history.

MAN BEHIND THE SUN 2: LABORATORY OF THE DEVIL (hak taai yeung 731 chuk chap ji saai gung chong; hei tai yang 731 xu zhi sha ren gong chang) (1991 HK) D: GODFREY HO P: RICKY WONG Lame follow up/cash in from Ho has some more gruesome experiments (some copied from the original). Skin peeling, hammering frozen fingers, germ warfare and a genuine autopsy. It’s all told in flashback.

THE MAN BEHIND THE SUN 3: NARROW ES

CAPE (sei miu lit che; si wang lie che) (1993 HK) D: GODFREY HO P: RICKY WONG This one’s awful. Japanese soldiers abandon camp 731 at the end of the war and must protect their secrets from the advancing Russian army. They kill the surviving prisoners in the film’s only brief atrocity scenes. The rest is all talk. With Robert Mak Tak Law.

MAN BITES DOG (c’est arrive de chez vous) (1992 BEL) D/W/P: REMY BELVAUX/ANDRE BONZEL/ BENOIT POELVOORDE W: VINCENT TAVIER This fake documentary (filmed in 16mm) about a crew that follows the day to day life of a serial killer (Poelvoorde) is excellent. Both shocking and funny, it was misunderstood by many viewers who find it offensive, irritating or just plain senseless. I was lucky enough to see it in a theatre and there were a few walk-outs. Poelvoorde’s character is pretentious, highly prejudice and rapes and kills but is immensely likeable in a strange way. This is, of course, difficult for many to take, as is a particularly graphic and disturbing gang-rape (the crew, played by the other directors, join in) and dismemberment aftermath. I highly recommend it though. The tv show, AMERICA’S DEADLIEST HOME VIDEO, seems to have had the same idea around the same time.

A MAN CALLED APOCALYPSE JOE See: A MAN CALLED JOE CLIFFORD

A MAN CALLED BLADE See: MANNAJA

A MAN CALLED HERO (chung wa ying hung; zhong hua ying xiong) (1999 HK) D: ANDREW LAU W/P: MANFRED WONG P: BARBIE TUNG Nicholas Tse travels to 1930s America to find his father Ekin Cheng in this epic adventure with martial arts and magic. The very patriotic tale shows Chinese immigrants fighting against white oppressors and Japanese ninjas (led by Mark Cheng), and the Statue of Liberty is demolished at the end. With Shu Qi, Yuen Biao, Kristy Yeung, Anthony Wong, Yu Ka Ho, Jerry Lamb, Sam Lee, Elvis Tsui, Ken Lo, Francis Ng, Jude Poyer, Cheng Pei Pei and choreographer Deon Lam Dik On as Shadow (with the voice of Jordan Chan). The plentiful overkill digital FX scenes result in it being considered a follow up to the hit STORM RIDERS. The third in the loose trilogy is THE DUEL (2000).

A MAN CALLED JOE CLIFFORD (a man called apocalypse joe; apocalypse joe; apocalipsis joe; el dia del juicio; un uomo chiamato apocalisse joe) (1970 ITL SPN) D/W: LEOPOLDO SAVONA W/P: EDUARDO BROCHERO A hired gun whose cover is a travelling one-man production of Macbeth (!) (Anthony Steffen) discovers that he’s inherited a gold mine. But sadistic villain Eduardo Fajardo and his men claim that they won it in a card game. The final reel, when the small town becomes a war zone is not bad, but it’s too little too late for this quite dull western. With Mary Paz Pondal, Fernando Cerulli as a helpful barber, Frenando Bilbao, Miguel del Castillo, Bruno Aire, Gilberto Galimberti, Riccardo Pizzuti, Artemio Antonini and Omero Capanna. Steffen and Fajardo were together in SABATA THE KILLER the same year.

A MAN CALLED RAINBO (1969/89 US) D: LESSER PISMO/ROBERT ALLEN SCHNITZER (new footage) W: SCOTT ALTIZER/DAVID CASCI (new footage) P: “WICHITA CRELM” (JEFFREY HILTON) (new footage) Here’s a re-edited and redubbed spoof of Sylvester Stallone’s first starring picture REBEL (made back in 69). Some new footage has been thrown in as well to link the stupid new story. The juvenile humour mainly consists of shit and sex jokes, and despite being idiotic, homophobic and a complete waste of time, I did laugh a few times. Being stoned helps. With Henry G. Sanders.

THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1962 US) D/W/P: JOHN FRANKENHEIMER W/P: GEORGE AXELROD Frank Sinatra stars as an ex-GI who has recurring nightmares of being brainwashed by the enemy while a POW during the Korean War. Extremely effective and shocking flashbacks reveal that fellow soldier Laurence Harvey has been programmed for assassination. Nail-biting b/w thriller is a race against time as Sinatra has to figure out the trigger mechanism that’ll turn Harvey into a killing machine. Based on a novel by Richard Condon. With Henry Silva as a Korean, Angela Lansbury, Janet Leigh, Whit Bissell, Reggie Nalder, James Gregory, Barry Kellery, Lloyd Corrigan, Robert Burton, Bess Flowers, Joe Gray, John Indrisano, John Lawrence and narration from Paul Frees. It was remade (badly) in a Gulf war setting and starring Denzel Washington in 2004.

MANDINGO (1975 US) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: NORMAN WEXLER P: DINO DE LAURENTIIS James Mason is a wealthy 19th century southerner who hires black slaves to work at his mansion grounds, and uses a little black kid as a foot-stool (to drain his rheumatism). His son marries Susan George, and brings her and his new “Mandingo” slave (Ken Norton) home. The son also fools around with a servant girl, but she’s given to Norton. The end of this fairly strong (for mainstream audiences) high-profile exploitation release features infanticide and someone pitchforked to death while boiling in a big basin of hot water. Based on a book by Kyle Onstott and a Jack Kirkland play, it’s pretty entertaining stuff. With Perry King, Ben Masters, Irene Tedrow, Brenda Sykes, Ji-Tu Cumbuka and Laura Misch Owens. Muddy Waters is on the soundtrack. Flesicher had just directed MR. MAJESTYK, and Wexler had just written SERPICO. DRUM (1976) was the follow up with Warren Oates.

MANDINGO MANHUNTER See: DEVIL HUNTER (1980)

MAN-EATER (shark!; un arma de dos filos) (1970 US MEX) D/W: SAMUEL FULLER W: JOHN KINGSBRIDGE P: MARK COOPER/SKIP STELOFF Burt Reynolds is a down-on-his-luck gunrunner in the Sudan who wants to escape the clutches of cop Enrique Luciero, so takes a job on-board Barry Sullivan and Silvia Pinal’s boat. They search for sunken gold in shark-infested waters. Based on Victor Canning’s novel His Bones Are Coral, this sometimes interesting failure just refuses to gel. Hard to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong but something just isn’t right. Fuller obviously thought so too and walked before it was completed. With Arthur Kennedy (excellent as an alcoholic doctor) and Francisco Reiguera. Different takes on the same premise include Cornel Wilde’s SHARK’S TREASURE and (replacing sharks with piranha) KILLER FISH.

MAN-EATER (1980) See: ANTHROPOPHAGUS THE BEAST

A MAN FROM ABASHIRI See: ABASHIRI PRISON

THE MAN FROM HONG KONG (the dragon flies; zhi dao huang long; chik diy wong lung) (1975 AUSL HK) D/W: BRIAN TRENCHARD-SMITH D: WANG YU (uncredited) P: RAYMOND CHOW Cop Wang Yu goes from Hong Kong to Australia to bust a heroin smuggling racket in this formulaic yet enjoyable coproduction. It opens with smuggler Sammo Hung getting caught and co-stars one-time Bond George Lazenby. There’s a very good car chase, martial arts, hang-gliding and the opening credit music is Sky High (wrestler Mil Mascaras’ theme). With Hugh Keays-Byrne (STONE, MAD MAX), Bill Hunter and director Smith as a thug.

THE MAN FROM NOWHERE (ajeossi) (2010 S.KOR) D/W: LEE JEONG-BEOM P: LEE TAE-HEON Really mean gangsters not only run a drug factory and use little kids as runners, but also harvest organs for the black-market. Won Bin stars as a quiet pawnshop owner rubbed the wrong way when a neglected little girl (Kim Sae-ron) ends up in danger. It’s time for him to put his ultra-top secret military training (including taekwondo) to use in this excellent old-school no-nonsense revenge actioner, with plenty of pathos and blood & guts to satisfy. With Kim Tae-hoon, Kim Wee-hon, Kim Seong-oh, Song Yeong-chang, Joseok Oh-yeon and Jeong Mi-seong.

THE MAN FROM PLANET X (1951 US) D: EDGAR G. ULMER W/P: AUBREY WISBERG/JACK POLLEXFEN Robert Clarke is an American journalist summoned to a remote Scottish island (it was all actually filmed in California, on leftover sets from 1948’s JOAN OF ARC) where an old scientist friend is monitoring a new planet that will shortly orbit very close to the Earth, with unknown consequences. A blank-faced, large-headed alien in a glass dome helmet is one of 50s sci-fi’s coolest creations. Clarke attempts to befriend the creature, but another selfish and foolish scientist treats it badly and turns it against us. The b/w noir photography, effective sets doubling for desolate moors, the supercool alien and the fact that this low-budget favourite came very early in the original alien invasion cycle put THE MAN FROM PLANET X in a category with other, more well recognised influential sci-fi landmarks. With William Schallert and Roy Engel. Ulmer and Pollexfen later collaborated again on DAUGHTER OF DR. JEKYLL (1957).

THE MAN FROM TOKYO See: TOKYO DRIFTER

THE MANGLER (1993 US ISR S.AFR AUSL) D/W: TOBE HOOPER W: STEPHEN DAVID BROOKS/HARRY ALAN TOWERS P: ANANT SINGH Another contender for worst Stephen King adaption, and a lowest of low-points for Hooper. Ted Levine stars as the cop investigating a haunted laundry pressing machine at a factory run by nasty, crippled Robert Englund. Yes, strip away the gore and the sensationalist title, and this is a film about a killer trouser press. One scene has a killer water cooler, too! However, it’s really boring as opposed to ludicrously enjoyable. Stay well away from this and the Englund/Hooper NIGHT TERRORS from the same year. The executive producer was Harry Alan Towers.

THE MANGLER 2: GRADUATION DAY (2001 CAN) D/W: MICHAEL HAMILTON-WRIGHT P: GLEN TEDHAM Extremely unwelcome sequel has absolutely nothing to do with the original but is just as bad (if not worse). Some students staying at an empty, computerized public school are under attack from an advanced, intelligent virus in the system called The Mangler (spot the tenuous link). Lance Henriksen is the arsehole principal. With Chelse Swain, Daniella Evangelista, Will Sanderson, Ken Camroux and Garvin Cross.

THE MANGLER REBORN (2005 US) D/W: ERIK GARDNER/MATT CUNNINGHAM P: SCOTT PERLMAN/ MARK BURMAN This looks much cheaper, lacks any real link to any previous entry, and is equally bad. A bald man reassembling the mangler (from the original) in his attic seems to get possessed by it, and whacks his wife over the head with a mallet. He turns out to be a plumber. At the house of a woman who’s having a really bad day, it gets worse when he goes after her with a mallet, too. He takes her back to his house to feed the mangler. Meanwhile Reggie Bannister (from the PHANTASM series) is a burglar trying to break in with the aid of his son. They end up locked in the house with the girl and the possessed slaphead psycho. Jeff Burr is seen mowing a lawn. Not much fun here. From the makers of DECAMPITATED (1998).

THE MANHANDLERS (1973 US) D: LEE MADDEN W/P: GIL LASKY P: ED CARLIN After her uncle Leo is killed by gangsters, a young woman inherits his mob-run massage parlour and “special service” brothel. She chucks out the whores, legitimizes the business and hires sexy women to help (including Judy Brown). The mob try to muscle in. The only outrageous part has a big, crazed henchman sniffing a naked woman’s panties before crushing her to death. In the stupid ending the mob boss decides to convert all his whorehouses into massage parlours! With Henry Bandon and Dan Seymour. My favourite line is “oh, to Hell with women’s lib. I’m horny”. Robert Caramico was the cameraman and William E. Levey (BLACKENSTEIN) was editor. Tame, forgettable drive-in fodder from the director of THE NIGHT GOD SCREAMED (1971).

MANHATTAN BABY (the possessed; eye of the evil dead; l’occhio del male) (1982 ITL) D: LUCIO FULCI W: ELSIA BRIGANTI/DARDANO SACCHETTI P: FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS After desecrating a sacred Egyptian tomb, Christopher Connelly is temporarily blinded and his kids (Martha Taylor and that weird looking boy from THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY) come into possession of a medallion that can cause death through psychic means. This confusing Fulci horror is far from his best. With former Miss Italy Cinzia De Ponti and the director making his usual cameo. He smokes a pipe. The goriest scene has a small flock of reanimated stuffed birds pecking a human head to a bloody pulp.

MANHATTAN RIPPER See: THE NEW YORK RIPPER

MAN HUNTER (1980) See: DEVIL HUNTER (1980)

MANHUNTER (red dragon) (1986 US) D/W: MICHAEL MANN P: RICHARD ROTH/DINO DE LAURENTIIS As far as Thomas Harris adaptations go, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS and its sequels (including RED DRAGON, based on the same book) got all the attention. But this powerful visual experience is brilliant. William L. Peterson is an FBI agent who’s searching for The Tooth Fairy (Tom Noonan), a serial killer who slaughters whole families on nights with a full moon. This slowly winding suspense classic suddenly grips you when you least expect it on an almost primordial level. Mann at his finest. With Brian Cox as Hannibal Lecter (he’s very good), Kim Greist, Joan Allen, Dennis Farina, Stephen Lang, Patricia Charbonneau, Frankie Faison, Bill Smitrovich and Marshall Bell. Klaus Schulze was one of the score composers.

MANHUNT ON MYSTERIOUS ISLAND See: ROBINSON CRUSOE OF MYSERIOUS ISLAND

MANIA See: THE FLESH AND THE FIENDS

MANIAC (sex maniac) (1934 US) D/P: DWAIN ESPER W: HILDEGARDE STADIE P: LOUIS SONNEY A vaudeville actor on the run from the police (Bill Woods) seeks refuge by helping a scientist (Horace B. Carpenter) with his illegal experiments on stolen corpses. The increasingly demented Woods kills Carpenter and impersonates him while carrying on with experiments he doesn’t understand. He injects something into a patient with personality disorders and the guy turns into a manic snarling geek who snatches a woman off into the woods (pausing only to expose her breasts). There’s also a catfight with hypodermic needles and women hanging around in their lingerie (and using an exercise belt!). Despite it all, it’s another version of Poe’s The Black Cat, complete with a scene in which a cat’s eye is popped out of its socket and eaten. Footage from HAXAN, MACISTE IN HELL and SIEGFRIED are thrown in at random. Not particularly shocking nowadays, this legendary b/w roadshow favourite (a hit under the SEX MANIAC retitling) was pretty risqué for its day and had to pretend to be educational to get away with it. Hence the many title cards throughout, explaining mental illness! At only 50 mins or so, I’d say it’s an essential item for those seeking an insight into the history of American exploitation cinema.

MANIAC (1981 US) D/P: WILLIAM LUSTIG W: C.A. ROSENBERG/JOE SPINNELL P: ANDREW W. GARRONI Spinnell (an executive producer) is great as the maniac, a sweating, obese mother obsessive who terrorises New York with his violent slayings and scalpings. He stalks fashion photographer Caroline Munro in this notoriously sleazy and grim movie that took a long time to become respectable even among exploitation fans. It seems a lot less graphic today, but is still fairly shocking, sleazy and fun. Tom Savini (who disowned it) provided the FX and appears as the victim of a great shotgun head explosion. It was Lustig’s first non-porno movie. With Sharon Mitchell as a nurse and Garroni and Lustig. Munro’s husband Judd Hamilton (also in STARCRASH and THE LAST HORROR FILM with her and Spinnell) was an executive producer. A 1989 Greek film called STRAGALISTIS TIS SYGROU is apparently a remake. An official remake in 2012 starred Elijah Wood!

MANIAC COP (1987 US) D: WILLIAM LUSTIG W/P: LARRY COHEN A large scarred-face killer in a policeman’s uniform kills people on the streets of New York City. Bruce Campbell is a cop who takes the rap for the murders to solve the mayor’s political problems. But the real killer is a supposedly dead, disgraced cop legend who seems to have supernatural powers (Robert Z’Dar, the modern-day Rondo Hatton). Tom Atkins and Laurene Landon are the cops who figure it out in this pretty good thriller from the director of MANIAC and the screenwriter/director of GOD TOLD ME TO. With Richard Roundtree, William Smith, Sheree North, Sam Raimi, Jake La Motta, Frank Pesce, Buck Flower and Lustig. James Glickenhaus was the executive producer.

MANIAC COP 2 (1990 US) D: WILLIAM LUSTIG W/P: LARRY COHEN Robert Z’Dar did not die at the end of the first movie and returns to kill more people (starting with survivors Bruce Campbell and Laurene Landon). Detective Robert Davi and police psychologist Claudia Christian are the leads. A bearded Leo Rossi is a stripper killer who befriends Z’Dar. Look for Charles Napier and Sam Raimi on tv. With Michael Lerner, Clarence Williams III, Hank Garrett and Danny Trejo. It’s on a par with the original, and I enjoyed the final credits rap theme. Dedicated to Joe Spinnell. A lousy part three followed in 1993.

MANIAC SHOCK See: DISASTERS: ANATOMY OF DISASTER

MANIAC 2000 See: TWO THOUSAND MANIACS!

A MAN IN UNIFORM See: I LOVE A MAN IN UNIFORM

THE MANITOU (1978 US) D/W: WILLIAM GIRDLER W: JON CEDAR/THOMAS POPE Susan Strasberg has a tumourlike growth on the back of her neck, conjured up by black magic. It turns out to be a foetus from which an ancient Native Indian spirit is to be reborn. With a plot like that and Girdler at the helm, you expect great things. But unfortunately this disappointment is more dull and silly than anything else. Tony Curtis stars, with Michael Ansara, Stella Stevens, Ann Sothern, Burgess Meredith, Charles Kissinger, Cedar, Paul Mantee and Lureve Tuttle. Based on a novel by Graham Masterson. The young director (he was 30) sadly died the same year; a helicopter he was using to scout locations in the Philippines for his next movie crashed.

MANKILLERS (twelve wild women) (1987 US) D/W: DAVID A. PRIOR P: PETER YUVAL Here’s a DIRTY DOZEN clone with some female prisoners out to catch a CIA Agent gone bad in Columbia. With Edd Byrnes, Edy Williams, Larry Taylor, Edy Williams and Julie K. Smith. Pretty bad.

MANNAJA (a man called blade) (1977 ITL) D/W: SERGIO MARTINO W: SAURO SCAVOLINI P: LUCIANO MARTINO Overrated (in recent dvd revisionist years) but solid spaghetti western stars Maurizio Merli as Blade, a bounty hunter as handy with a throwing axe as with a gun. I won’t go into contrived plot details, suffice to say that John Steiner is the villain, and that Donald (DR. BUTCHER M.D.) O’Brien is important to the plot. Guido and Maurizio De Angelis’ untypical (and somewhat amusing) score (not to mention some of cinematographer Federico Zanni’s compositions) add to the trippy feel, shrouded in fog (and mud). With Phillipe Leroy, Rik Battaglia, “Ted Carter” (Nello Pazzafini), Enzo Fiermonte, Enzo Maggio, Claudio Ruffini and José Yepes.

MAN OF VIOLENCE (the sex racketeers; violence man) (1971 UK) D/W/P: PETE WALKER W: BRIAN COMPORT A self-proclaimed “crook” called Moon is hired by both sides in some kind of violent squabble over property in Chelsea and Kensington. Moon seems like your typical womanising antihero, but at one point surprisingly beds a man for information. When the plot thickens and involves smuggling gold from North Africa (parts were filmed there), he also calls freedom fighters “wog savages”. Some of the attempts at unusual dialogue are awful. So basically it’s an odd attempt at something a little different in the action/espionage/ thriller field, but slow, overlong and hampered by low production values. Comport also adapted MUMSY, NANNY, SONNY AND GIRLY (1969) for the screen, and wrote BEWARE MY BRETHREN and THE ASPHYX (all interesting, unusual British exploitation films, far better than most of what Walker came up with).

“MANOS”: THE HANDS OF FATE (1966 US) D/W/P: HAROLD P. WARREN MANOS, a nobudget legend made by a fertiliser salesman in El Paso is so static and non-eventful that it’s almost surreal. A man (Warren), woman, little daughter and dog drive for a very long time before they stop at some shack in the middle of nowhere. A semi-crippled creep called Torgo attends to them while rambling about “the master”, who eventually turns out to be a devil-worshipper with his own temple and multiple wives (who have a really long catfight). The “surprise” ending is so pathetic it’s almost worth suffering through the film to see. Masochists apply here.

MAN, PRIDE & VENGEANCE (pride and vengeance; l’uomo, l’orgoglio, la vendetta; mit django kam der tod) (1967 ITL W.GER) D/W: LUIGI BAZZONI W: SUSO CECCHI D’AMICO P: LUIGI ROVERE Cavalry Sergeant Franco Nero is tricked by a beautiful young gypsy called Carmen (Tina Aumont) when she escapes his custody on the way to the police. He eventually murders a superior officer over her, and joins a gang of outlaws (including her ex-con husband Klaus Kinski) for a stagecoach robbery. But the tragic Nero lets himself be tricked all the way to the grave in this effective western version of Propser Merimee’s oft-filmed novel Carmen (a good idea). With “Lee Burton” (aka Guido Lollobrigida), Franco Ressel, Karl Schonbock, José Manuel Martin and Giovanni Ivan Scratuglia. Bazzoni’s other western credit is BROTHERS BLUE (1973). His brother Camillo (who directed the western A LONG RIDE FROM HELL in 1968) was the cinematographer.

MAN’S BEST FRIEND (1993 US) D/W: JOHN LAFIA P: BOB ENGELMAN Ally Sheedy is an anti-vivisectionist tv reporter who liberates a dog called Max from Lance Henriksen’s laboratory. Max turns out to be genetically engineered killer who can piss acid and blend into his surroundings like a chameleon. This silly film (that copies a 1976 obscurity called SLAUGHTER) has a cat swallowed whole and the “have you got any leads?” pun is used. With William Sanderson, Robert Costanzo, John Cassini and Thomas Rosales Jr. From the director of CHILD’S PLAY 2.

MANSION OF THE DOOMED (massacre mansion; the terror of dr. chaney; eyes of the living dead) (1977 US) D: MICHAEL PATAKI W: FRANK RAY PERILLI P: CHARLES BAND Richard Basehart is a respected surgeon and university professor who feels guilt over a car crash that has left his daughter blind. So he drugs victims (the first is Lance Henriksen) and gouges out their eyes (Stan Winston FX) to give to his increasingly scarred, catatonic daughter (kind of like EYES WITHOUT A FACE, but face without the eyes). The victims are kept locked in a basement cell and they eventually escape for revenge and rip out Basehart’s eyes. It’s not very good, but watchable for its type. With cute Marilyn Joi from Al Adamson movies, Sally Marr (Lenny Bruce’s mother) and Arthur Space. Pataki also made an erotic CINDERELLA the same year, while Perilli also wrote ZOLTAN, HOUND OF DRACULA for executive producer Albert Band.

THE MANSION OF THE GHOST CAT (black cat mansion; ghost monster cat mansion; borei kaibyo yashiki) (1958 JPN) D: NOBUO NAKAGAWA W: JIRO FUJISHIMA/ YOSHIKIRO ISHIKAWA P: MITSUGU OKURA Based on Sooto Tachibana’s novel this is just one of many “Kaibyo” (ghost cat) films made during the 1950s in particular. The story concerns a doctor and his wife who are haunted by the spectre when they move to a new house. This manages to overcome the sometimes awkward and laughable nature of these films (that usually feature an old crone dressed like a crazed feline) by having Nakagawa (GHOST STORY OF YOTSUYA and JOGOKU) at the helm, as he creates a truly spooky b/w atmosphere with some effective scare scenes. Toshio Hoshokwa stars.

MANSION OF THE LIVING DEAD (la mansion de los muertos vivientes) (1985 SPN) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO Four young lesbian women (including Lina Romay as “Candy Coster”) holiday at a deserted hotel near a deserted beach. Someone chucks a machete at them as they sunbathe topless. They still hang around though, and have fairly graphic sex with each other (split-beaver shots etc.). A “wacky” gardener lurks. The hotel manager (“Robert Foster” aka Antonio Mayans) has sex with them, too, but he’s busy with a masochist love slave chained up in a room, eating from a dog bowl. They wander off one-by-one and are raped by hooded monks in an old house (still no titular mansion to be seen). Some appear normal, some have awful “rotting” makeup (which is even peeled off to illustrate how bad it is!) and some appear to have plastic skulls for heads. More of a twisted sex flick than horror, it’s a shame it’s mostly dull as it could have been quite the shocker (note disturbing rat poison suicide ending). Apparently based on a novel by Franco (who also did the music, photography and editing), and his take on the Knights Templar (of TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD fame).

MANSON (manson and squeaky fromme) (1972 US) D/P: ROBERT HENDRICKSON D/W/P: LAURENCE MERRICK W: JOAN HUNTINGTON Despite the subjective narration, this is a fascinating documentary look at the exploits of Charles Manson and his family of “slippies”. Real footage of the family hanging out at Spahn Ranch and during the long, expensive trial is yet to turn up anywhere else (and influenced scenes in the excellent CHARLIE’S FAMILY). Lots of split-screen is used and some suspicious scenes seem a lot like actors handling prepared dialogue. District Attorney Vincent Bugliosi and old cell-mates of Manson are also seen and heard. And check out the ceremonial vest. Merrick (a former acting teacher for Sharon Tate) was later gunned down in a parking lot. This was nominated for an Oscar, by the way!

MANSON AND SQUEAKY FROMME See: MANSON

THE MANSON FAMILY See: CHARLIE’S FAMILY

THE MANSTER (the split; kyofu: manster) (1959 JPN US) D/W/P: GEORGE P. BREAKSTON D: KENNETH CRANE/AKIRA TAKAHASHI W: WILLIAM J. SHELDON Peter Dyneley (the voice of Jeff Tracy in Thunderbirds) is an American journalist in Japan who is injected with a serum by Satoshi Nakamura. Soon the previously clean-cut Dyneley stops calling his wife (Jean Hylfon), gets drunk all the time, fucks geishas and doesn’t shave. He also begins an affair with Nakamura’s assistant (Terri Zimmern). Things start getting weird when an eyeball, and then a head grow out of his shoulder. Eventually he splits into his good half and evil half (a man in a gorilla suit), an idea later copied in ARMY OF DARKNESS. This immensely fun co-production (an allegory to a point) is available in a longer, more violent cut in Japan. Breakston is a former child star from France.

MANTA See: LORDS OF THE DEEP

M.A.N.T.I.S. (1994 US) D: ERIC LANEUVILLE W: SAM HAMM/SAM RAIMI P: STEVE ECCLESTINE Carl Lumbly stars as a crippled physicist superhero who has a morphing spaceship that lowers him from a cable. He shoots criminals with a special paralysis gun and leaves a small praying mantis behind. Gina Torres is a pathologist trying to discover his identity and Steve James has his last role as a political villain. With Phillip Baker Hall, Obba Babatunde, Francis X. McCarthy, Grant Heslov, Alan Fudge and Raimi (who was an executive producer along with Hamm and Robert Tapert). Mechanically Augumented Neuro-Transmitter Interception System. There’s lots of issues about race politics and gang culture (which were lost in a subsequent tv series that replaced the black characters with white actors). Parts are similar to Raimi’s DARKMAN, but this is nowhere near as entertaining. But there’s some nice FX (an underwater HQ) and it’s good for kids.

MANTIS BOXER See: GRANDMASTER OF SHAOLIN KUNG FU

MANTIS COMBAT (tang lang zui hu wu ying jiao; too long chui foo miu ying geuk) (1978 HK) D/W: SHANG LANG P: LEE TSAI FONG Barry Chan must avenge his father’s death at the hands of his escaped convict uncle (Chan Sing). Bottom-of-thebarrel kung fu entry doesn’t have much action, but a boring, slow excuse for a story. With Wong Hap and Chan Lau.

MANTIS FIGHTS COCK See: DEATH DUEL OF MANTIS

MANTIS FISTS AND TIGER CLAWS OF SHAOLIN (huet hoi tong long chau; xie hai tang lang chou) (1977 HK) D: CHEUNG SUM/SIMON SHU W: LEUNG SUM P: ALEX GOUW Taken on its fight scenes and dumb slapstick alone, this is a fairly average kung fu flick. But please note that this oddball item does feature a female praying mantis monster that uses martial arts (her mother was raped by a mantis)! There’s also a spiked hunchback. With John Cheung Ng Long, Dean Shek, Ho Pak Kwong, Alan Chui Chung San, San Huan, Sai Gwa Paau and Shutma Wa Lung. Music by Frankie Chan.

MANTIS IN LACE (lila) (1968 US) D: WILLIAM ROTSLER W/P: SANFORD WHITE P: HARRY NOVAK/ PETER PERRY Here’s a good example of a mediocre obscurity unfairly hailed as a “cult classic” in later years. Susan Stewart stars as Lila, a topless dancer who lures men (including Russ Meyer regular Stuart Lancaster) to a warehouse for sex. She drops LSD, freaks out when she sees bananas (!), stabs them with a screwdriver and then hacks the bodies up with a meat cleaver. A couple of cops try to figure out who’s leaving this trail of mutilated corpses. I have nothing against this movie, in fact I love horror LSD films loaded with freak-out visuals (and this was photographed by Leslie Kovacks!). But there were dozens (hundreds?) like this released during the 60s and 70s (some much better) and I’m not really sure why this got all the attention when they were all unearthed for video release. One of the other dancers is Pat Barrington from ORGY OF THE DEAD. With sexploitation director Bethel G. Buckalew as a bartender and Paul Hunt (also a director).

MANTIS IN THE MONKEY’S SHADOW See: THE PHANTOM KUNG FU

MANTIS VS. FALCON CLAWS See: THE DRAGON VS. NEEDLES OF DEATH

A MAN TO RESPECT See: THE MASTER TOUCH

THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH (1976 US) D: NICOLAS ROEG W: PAUL MAYERSBERG P: MICHAEL DEELEY/BARRY SPIKINGS David Bowie (in his first and best starring role as an actor) is an alien who arrives on Earth with nothing but some original patents that soon make him a rich business tycoon (with the help of lawyer Buck Henry). He plans to build a spaceship to transport more of his people from his dying planet (not enough water there), but ends up an alcoholic addicted to television (clips are from THE THIRD MAN, Billy Wilder’s LOVE IN THE AFTERNOON, BILLY BUDD [1962] and END OF THE ROAD [1970]). Roeg took many liberties with Walter Tevis’ fine 1963 novel, but stays fairly close to the basic narrative, and created an absorbing, free-form, surreal satire in the process. Candy Clark is the woman who befriends him, and it’s the place to see her (not to mention Rip Torn!) naked. With Bernie Casey, Claudia Jennings, Terry Southern and astronaut Jim Lovell as himself. All three leads narrate. Mostly shot in New Mexico. The excellent soundtrack includes oldies by Artie Shaw, Hank Snow and Gene Pitney, and original compositions from John Phillips and Sutomu Yamashita. Bowie’s attempt at a score was not used, but elements were recycled for his Low album. The uncut version runs 139 mins. Cinematographer Anthony Richmond and editor Graeme Clifford had previously worked on Roeg’s DON’T LOOK NOW. Mayersberg had written material for Conrad Rooks’ 1972 adaptation of Herman Hesse’s SIDDHARTHA. He later wrote EUREKA (1983) for Roeg. Roeg’s next was BAD TIMING. Bowie’s next starring role was in David Hemmings’ JUST A GIGOLO (1978). THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH was remade as a tv movie in 1987. Another fine Tevis adaptation is THE HUSTLER (1961).

THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH (1934 UK) D: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: CHARLES BENNETT/D.B. WYNDHAM LEWIS/EDWIN GREENWOOD/A.R. RAWLINSON/EMLYN WILLIAMS P: MICHAEL BALCON Some typically rich Hitchcock protagonists get involved with an assassination plot in this decent b/w thriller. Leslie Banks stars and Peter Lorre is a villain. With Nora Pilbeam, Pierre Fresney, D.A. Clarke Smith, Henry Oscar and regular Hitchcock screenwriter Joan Harrison as a secretary. It has some uncharacteristically odd touches for Hitchcock (who remade it over twenty years later).

THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH (1956 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: JOHN MICHAEL HAYES Vacationing Americans Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day (as a stage singer) befriend a suspicious Parisian who is then murdered in front of them, and have their little boy kidnapped while in Morocco. Reggie Nalder (who has a great cinematic villain’s face) is the assassin in this pretty different and more familyorientated American colour remake. Seems saccharine at first, but don’t worry, stick with it and you’ll see the master of suspense at work. With Daniel Gelin, Bernard Miles, Leo Gordon, Carolyn Jones, Louis Mercier, Hillary Brooke, Anthony Warde, Alma Taylor, Ralph Truman, Alan Mowbray, Richard Wattis, Yves Brasinville, Frank Atkinson, Bess Flowers, Milton Frome, Walter Gotell, Bernard Hermann as the crashing cymbals player and, of course, a Hitchcock cameo.

THE MAN WHO STOLE THE SUN (taiyo o nusunda otoko) (1979 JPN) D/W: KAZUHIKO HASEGAWA W: LEONARD SCHRADER P: MATA YAMAMOTO A laconic, gum-chewing school science teacher (Kenji Sawada, who’s excellent) steals plutonium from a heavily guarded installation (a great sequence that wouldn’t be out of place in a rock opera movie), and constructs his own atomic bomb. He uses it to blackmail the government, but has no idea what he wants. Callers to female DJ Kimiko Ikegami’s radio show help out with the dilemma by requesting that the Rolling Stones play at the Budokhan (which they were prevented from doing in real-life due to drug charges). Bunta Sugawara is a tough cop on the case. This one-of-a-kind classic is sometimes low-key and engrossing, but veers into cartoonishly over-the-top territory at times, to great effect. I guess you’d classify it as satirical black comedy, for lack of a more accurate term. With Morio Kazama, Toshiyuki Nishida, Yunosuke Ito, Kazuo Kitamura, Hosei Komatsu, Kei Sato and more than its fair share of memorable scenes (what an ending!). Hasegawa’s only other directorial credit was 1976’s THE YOUTH KILLER. He was also the executive producer for Sogo Ishii’s amazing CRAZY FAMILY. Schrader (Paul’s brother) had already provided the original story for THE YAKUZA and co-scripted the Yamamoto-backed THE KILLING OF AMERICA with his wife Chieko. An aside: THE MAN WHO STOLE THE SUN made me dig out the underrated post-punk compilation Sent From Coventry, to listen to Urge’s song Nuclear Terrorist.

THE MAN WHO LAUGHS (1928 US) D: PAUL LENI W: CHARLES E. WHITTAKER/J. GRUBB ALEXANDER/ MARION WARD/MAY McLEAN P: CARL LAEMMLE Originally conceived as a vehicle for Lon Chaney (who had just been THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA), this hugely successful b/w adaptation of Victor Hugo’s novel L’homme Qui Ritte ended up being helmed by the German Leni (WAXWORKS, THE CAT AND THE CANARY) and starring fellow countryman Conrad Veidt (from THE CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI). An exiled prince is put in an iron maiden at the request of King James II at the beginning of a 17th century tale set in England. Brandon Hurst is the villainous court jester who sold his son and heir to the throne to gypsy travellers who carve him a permanent grin. The little kid grows up to be “The Laughing Man” (Veidt), a very popular act in a travelling freak show/theatre. Mary Philbin is the blind girl who loves him. Olga Baclanova (later the bitch-turned-freak in FREAKS) is the Queen’s sister who demands his hand in marriage so she can enjoy the wealth it will bring. Veidt is incredible acting with his eyes in Jack Pierce makeup, bringing a real Quasimo-do-like sympathy to his character. In fact the whole cast (which includes Cesare Gravina, Stuart Holmes, Sam De Grasse, George Sigemann, Josephine Cromwell, Charles Puffy, Allan Cavan, Louise Emmons, John George, Jack A. Goodrich, Torben Meyer, Edgar Norton, Lon Poff and Frank Puglia) is great, and attention should be drawn to Charles D. Hall’s art direction and Gilbert Warrenton’s innovative cinematography. Made in a transition period between silents and talkies, it features sound FX and crowd noises on the soundtrack. Sadly neglected over the years, it’s time for you to check out Kino’s restored dvd (with informative booklet by film historian and Veidt expert John Sositer) and see where some of the groundwork for the more recognised Universal horror classics was set (and Bob Kane’s Joker character in Batman comics and William Casle’s MR. SARDONICUS owe a debt, too). Did I mention that Ed Cahn was the editor, one of his earliest gigs. Leni directed one more film, THE LAST WARNING in 1929.

THE MAN WHO LAUGHS (l’uomo che ride) (1966 ITL FRA) D/W: SERGIO CORBUCCI W: FILLINO SANJUST/A. ISSAVERDENS/A. BERTOLOTTO/LULA BORICOSI/FRANCO ROSSETTI P: JOSEPH FRYD/ JACQUES BAR Disappointing remake from the director of many fine spaghetti westerns. Jean Sorel stars, with Lisa Gastoni and Edmund Purdom as Lucretia and Caesar Borgia. It’s a passable swashbuckler but nothing more. With Nino Uingelli and Pierre Clementi. Enzo Barboni (another important name for Eurowestern fans) was the photographer.

THE MAN WHO SAVES THE WORLD (turkish star wars; dunyayi kutaran adam) (1982 TUR) D: CETIN INANC W: CUNEYT ARKIN P: MEHMET KARAHAFIZ Cuneyt Arkin (from LIONMAN and countless other Turkish exploitation films) and Aytekin Akkaya (Captain America in THREE MIGHTY MEN) crash-land on a planet and proceed to free the oppressed people from an evil ruler who drains blood and has an army of assorted monsters (men in furry suits), clawed mummies and robots that appear to be made out of household appliances. After some demented training sequences (karate chopping boulders in half, etc.), the pair take on the evil army with their martial arts skills, a big awkward-looking wooden cutout sword and even molten-metal encased hands (a pair of gloves). You simply haven’t lived until you see Arkin slicing off limbs with his bare hands, kicking off heads and overusing an offscreen trampoline to somersault through the air. With Huseyin Peyda and Hikmet Tasdemir. Footage is lifted from STAR WARS and the music from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK! Great stuff from Kunt film!

THE MAN WHO SAW TOMORROW (nostradamus) (1980 US) D/W/P: ROBERT GUENETTE W: ALAN HOPGOOD P: PAUL DRANE/LEE KRAMER Orson Welles is the on-screen narrator for this look at the life and predictions of the French physician and scholar Nostradamus, believed to have accurately foreseen so much. It’s a mixture of reconstructions, newsreel footage and film clips (including TRIUMPH OF THE WILL and EARTHQUAKE). The opening scene shows some graverobbers drinking wine from Nostradamus’ skull. A US propaganda short (from 1938?) called Nostradamus Says So! is a retaliation against the Nazi propaganda of the time that pointed out select portions of his predictions in their favour. But the most interesting section to watch now is the one on post-1980 predictions, including an attack on New York City from the Middle East! A hopeful prediction of peace is accompanied by footage of flowers blooming. And the world will end in 3797 by the way. Look for Herbert Lom as Napoleon! An updated version with new footage replaces Welles’ narration with Charlton Heston.

THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE (barber) (2001 US) D/W/P: JOEL COEN/ETHAN COEN Billy Bob Thornton is a chain-smoking, quiet small-town barber (in the late-40s) whose life takes an illuminating downward spiral after he attempts to blackmail his wife (Frances McDormand)’s lover (James Gandolfini). Beautifuly shot in b/w by Roger Deakins, this is one of the Coen’s simplest and is low-key even for them. And is all the better for its refreshing clarity. With Tony Shalhoub, Jon Polito, Michael Bedalucco, Richard Jenkins, Jack McGee, Christopher Kriesa, Scarlett Johansson, Brian Haley, Abraham Benrubi, Christopher McDonald and Phil Hawn. The Coens also edited under the pseudonym “Roderick Jaynes”.

MAN WITH A GUN (hired for killing; gun for hire) (1994 US) D: DAVID WYLES W: LAURIE FINSTAD-KRIZHNIK P: ROBERT K. MacLEAN This ridiculous neo-noir wannabe stars Michael Madsen (who narrates) as a hitman. Gary Busey hires him to go after his ex-wife (Jennifer Tilly in a dual role) who is threatening to release a disk containing info on mob activities. A waste of time that tries too hard to replicate the feel of 40s noir classics. With Robert Loggia, Ian Tracey, Bill Cobbs and Garvin Cross. Based on Hugh C. Raye’s novel The Shroud Society.

THE MAN WITHOUT A BODY (1957 UK US) D: W. LEE WILDER/CHARLES SAUNDERS W: WILLIAM GROTE P: GUIDO COEN Here’s a fascinating, cheap b/w obscurity in search of a bigger cult following. An ultra-stressed, stubborn stock market tycoon (George Coulouris, who’s excellent) ignores his trophy European beauty wife while seeking a second opinion from doctors on his poor health. Loopy plot contrivances (including a tour of Madame Tussaud’s) result in him having the head of Nostradamus (!) stolen by gravediggers (which he smuggles through customs in a statue bust). He takes it to scientist Robert Hutton, who manages to revive the (bearded) head and it starts to talk! Using his powers of prediction, he knows that Coulouris will have the head grafted on and take over his personality, so he feeds him bogus stock predictions and destroys his career! The ending is wild. Highly recommended low-key surrealist exploitation. Saunders also directed the less interesting WOMANEATER (also with Coulouris). Billy Wilder’s “differently abled” brother is most famous for the bad movie classic KILLERS FROM SPACE.

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM (1955 US) D/P: OTTO PREMINGER W: WALTER NEWMAN/ LEWIS MELTZER/BEN HECHT (uncredited) Exjunky and jazz drummer Frank Sinatra returns to his home turf in Chicago and finds it extremely difficult to stay off the needle in the company of the old gang. Darren McGavin is the main pusher. Eleanor Parker is Sinatra’s crippled wife addict and Arnold Stang his best friend. This somewhat ahead-of-itstime b/w feature was initially refused a certificate by the MPAA. It was released anyway and the laws governing what could be shown onscreen suddenly changed. Hard to believe today a Sinatra flick could have been so controversial. Elmer Bernstein’s classic theme tune is known by all, even if you’re not sure where it came from. With Kim Novak, Shorty Rogers, Robert Strauss, Doro Merrande, George E. Stone, Leonid Kinskey, Emile Meyer, Jack Mulhall, Paul E. Burns, Frank Marlowe, Gordon Mitchell, Frank Richards, Martha Wentworth and Will Wright.

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN (1974 UK) D: GUY HAMILTON W: RICHARD MAIBAUM/TOM MANKIEWICZ P: HARRY SALTZMAN/ALBERT R. BROCCOLI Smug Roger Moore’s second appearance as James Bond is one of the worst. He’s targeted by tri-nippled high-price assassin Scaramanga (Christopher Lee) who’s stolen the solex, a groundbreaking solar energy device that will solve the world energy crisis. Herve Villechaize is the dwarf sidekick and Britt Ekland and Maude Adams are the Bond girls. Clifton James (the sheriff from LIVE AND LET DIE) also makes an appearance. The action in Hong Kong includes car and boat chases and very unconvincing martial arts. With Soon Tek-Oh, Marc Lawrence, Richard Loo, Bernard Lee, Lois Maxwell, Desmon Llewelyn, Marne Maitland, Michael Goodliffe and a car-plane. Lulu’s theme was chosen over one prepared by The Alice Cooper Band! (It just so happens that Solex is the aka for Dutch musician Elisabeth Esselink. Her debut Matador LP Solex vs The Hitmeister from 1998 is well worth a listen.)

THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS (1983 US) D/W: CARL REINER W: STEVE MARTIN/GEORGE GIPE P: DAVID V. PICKER/WILLIAM E. McEUEN Martin stars as a brilliant brain surgeon who saves golddigger Kathleen Tuner’s life by performing his revolutionary new screwtop surgery. But before she can get her claws into him, he falls for a disembodied brain in a jar (with the voice of Sissy Spacek) with whom he has a psychic link with. Reiner also directed Martin in DEAD MEN DON’T WEAR PLAID, THE JERK and ALL OF ME. This (and JERK) are probably the funniest. With David Warner, Merv Griffin (who gets the best gag), James Cromwell, Francis X. McCarthy, Earl Boen, Bernard Behrens and DONOVAN’S BRAIN on tv. Look fast for Jeffrey Combs.

MAN WITH TWO LIVES (1942 US) D: PHIL ROSEN W: JOSEPH HOFFMAN P: A.W. HACKEL A young scholar (Edward Norris) set to be married dies in a car crash, only to be revived by a scientist friend of the family who happens to be researching the process of returning life to the dead. Unfortunately he’s revived at the stroke of midnight, the exact time that a dangerous gangster called Wolf is executed. Somehow Norris comes back as a conflicted schizo Wolf who shuns his well-to-do family and starts running with his old gang from the wrong side of the tracks (much is made of the class divide). His trigger-happy temperament results in several deaths, but in the end it turns out to be all a dream (a silly conclusion that I assume was tacked on at the last-minute for some reason). Reasonable b/w 60 mins programmer from Monogram, not worth going out of your way for. With Frederick Burton, Addison Richards, Edward Keane, Elliott Sullivan, Anthony Warde, Ernie Adams, Kenne Duncan, Jack Ingram, Jack Cheatham, Tristram Coffin, Kit Guard and Charles King.

MANY HAPPY RETURNS See: KYOUSO TANJO

MAPLEWOODS (2003 US) D/W: DAVID B. STEWART III P: JOE de CHRISTOPHER JR./THOMAS REILLY/ROBERT SCHILLER Many viewers thought that HOUSE OF THE DEAD was the nadir of recent video gamebased zombie movies, but this low-budget bore makes that seem like a masterpiece. A guy in a military prison narrates how his special ops team were flown to a secret location to help cover-up a military operation that resulted in armies of escaped zombies. Nothing happens. The multi-untalented Stewart III also acts and edited.

MARABUNTA (legion of fire: killer ants!) (1998 US) D: JAMES CHARLESTON W: LINDA PALMER/WINK ROBERTS P: GEORGE MANASSE Deadly South American soldier ants eat people in Alaska. This dull tv insect invasion movie was actually filmed in Utah. With Mitch Pileggi as the local Police Chief and Patrick Fugit (ALMOST FAMOUS) in his debut.

MARAT/SADE (the persecution and assassination of jean-paul marat as performed by the inmates of the asylum of charenton under the direction of the marquis de sade) (1966 UK) D: PETER BROOK W: ADRIAN MITCHELL P: MICHAEL BIRKETT De Sade (Patrick Magee) does indeed direct the title play as performed by asylum inmates (members of the Royal Shakespeare company) for critical nobility in this claustrophobic and intense adaptation of Peter Weiss’ play. It overcomes staginess with the use of in-your-face camera techniques and unrelenting powerhouse performances. At approximately two hours it could have been a real talky (and singing; it’s a musical) bore, but drags you into a world of class war politics and righteous dementia. With Glenda Jackson, Ian Richardson (as Marat), John Steiner, Michael Williams, Freddie Jones, William Morgan Sheppard and Leon Lissek. Respected theatre director Brook also helmed the classic 1961 version of LORD OF THE FLIES.

MARDI GRAS FOR THE DEVIL See: NIGHT TRAP

MARDI GRAS MASSACRE (1978 US) D/W/P: JACK WEIS A wealthy well-dressed man picks up “evil” hookers in bars on the run up to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. They end up tied naked to a sacrificial altar and have their chest opened up with a sacrificial knife before their heart is plucked out. Vice cops are after him and have their own personal problems. MARDI GRAS MASSACRE is cheap, dull, repetitive and stupid, but for some reason I like it. Oddly enough I am not alone. With Laura Misch as the first victim. Weis also made CRYPT OF DARK SECRETS.

MAREBITO (the stranger from afar) (2004 JPN) D: TAKASHI SHIMIZU W: CHIAKI KONAKA P: TATSUHIKO HIRATA/KENZO HORIKOSHI/YOIICHIRO ONISHI/ ATSUKO ONO Narrating freelance cameraman Shinya Tsukamoto (busy looking for the ultimate experience in terror) discovers a secret, ancient netherworld beneath the Tokyo streets, and a naked young woman chained in an alcove whom he takes home to his apartment. Human blood keeps her alive, and he spies on her with cameras linked to his cell phone. Shimizu made this low-budget shot-on-DV horror (with erotic undertones) prior to his major US debut (THE GRUDGE) in just eight days, and it’s very good indeed, benefiting from ambiguity that may drive some viewers up the wall. Recommended. With Shun Sugata. Based on Konaka’s novel. I haven’t read it (would like to), but one assumes (from the film) that it’s indebted to the writings of H.P. Lovecraft and Richard Sharpe Shaver.

EL MARIACHI (1992 MEX) D/W/P: ROBERT RODRIGUEZ W/P: CARLOS GALLARDO Gallardo is a travelling Mariachi who arrives in a small town only to get chased by gangsters after his guitar case is switched for one containing machine-guns. A slight twist on the YOJIMBO/FISTFUL lineage. The young (23) first-time director Rodriguez also did the photography and editing for this impressive low-budget but kinetic action flick. He raised money by being a guinea pig for drug experiments. He remade it in Hollywood as DESPERADO, and that was followed by ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO. A not very good Hong Kong remake from 1994 was RUN.

MARIA MARTEN, OR THE MURDER IN THE RED BARN (murder in the red barn) (1935 UK) D: MILTON ROSMER W: RANDALL FAYE P: GEORGE KING It was nice to see cheap Grand Guignol theatre legend Tod Slaughter’s debut feature, but it’s not as outrageous as his later entries (usually directed by King). Here he’s an evil town squire who rapes and kills a gypsy girl and blames her boyfriend. It’s based on a true life murder from 1820, and had previously been filmed at least three times. With Dennis Hooey and Lester Sharpe. An interesting coda: The skull of the real squire William Corder (who was hanged in public at the age of 23, the ever-humble Slaughter obviously thought he could pull that off at the age of 40, and he was still doing it on-stage until death in his 70s!) was later said to haunt those that came into possession of it.

MARIA’S STOMACH (maria no ibukuro) (1990 JPN) D: HIDEYUKI HIRAYAMA W: TAKUYA NISHIOKA Akira Emoto (LAST FRANKENSTEIN) kills sexy young girls on a resort island to feed to his wife who has turned into a carnivorous mutant (who plays the piano). It’s a comedy. Haruko Sagara (a SUKEBAN DEKA girl) stars as the heroine who figures it all out. Some parts are quite funny, but overall it’s pretty slow without much of a pay-off. With Kimiko Yo. From the director of the first two ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GHOST STORY STORYs.

MARIHUANA See: ASSASSIN OF YOUTH

MARIHUANA, THE DEVIL’S WEED (marihuana, weed with roots in hell) (1936 US) D/P: DWAIN ESPER W: REX ELGIN/HILDEGARDE STADIE Esper, the roadshow legend behind MANIAC, strikes again. At a roadhouse where beer is fifty cents (and free dancing!) a moustachioed type invites innocent young bait back to his pad for a party the following weekend. Skinny-dipping, a drowning, smuggling, death, unwanted pregnancy, kidnapping and lots of silly giggling can be the only results when marijuana is smoked. Of these vintage b/w drug-scare movies, this one is particularly harsh on its victims. With HITCHHIKE TO HELL director Pat Carlyle in the cast.

MARIHUANA, WEED WITH ROOTS IN HELL See: MARIHUANA, THE DEVIL’S WEED

MARINE ISSUE See: INSTANT JUSTICE

MARJOE (1972 US) D/P: HOWARD SMITH/ SARAH KERNOCHAN Marjoe (his name is a combination of Mary and Joseph) Gortner invites a film crew to expose the money-spinning fire’n’brimstone ways of his Episcopal church gatherings. This pretty interesting documentary has priceless footage of Gortner as a child preacher (he started at the age of 4, performed his first wedding ceremony at 5), and is more of an insight into his fascinating, conflicted character than the religious institution. Gortner was later in several exploitation flicks, via major hits like EARTHQUAKE. Smith also made GIZMO! (1977).

MARKED FOR DEATH (screwface) (1990 US) D: DWIGHT H. LITTLE W/P: MICHAEL GRAIS W/P: MARK VICTOR P: STEVEN SEAGAL Screwface (Basil Wallace) leads drug-dealing Jamaican gangsters who use voodoo. They target cop Steven Seagal. After some car chases and violence on the streets of LA, the action switches to Kingston, Jamaica. The supernatural stuff is kept to a minimum, so this remains a pretty average Seagal action outing. With Keith David, Joanna Pacula, Teri Weigel, Jimmy Cliff, Prince Ital Joe, Tom Wright, Danny Trejo, Kevin Dunn, Peter Jason and Earl Boen.

MARKED MAN (breakout) (1995 CAN) D: MARC VOIZARD W: THOMAS RITZ P: PIERRE DAVID/STEFAN WODOSLAWSKY Mechanic Roddy Piper goes to jail for accidentally killing the drunk driver who mowed down his fiancée in a fit of rage. While inside he witnesses corrupt prison guards kill a fellow inmate. He escapes but becomes a target for hired assassin Miles O’Keeffe. Not too bad as these action quickies go, I suppose, but instantly forgettable. With Tyrone Benskin, Richard Zeman, Jason Cavalier, Chip Chuipka, Vlasta Vrano, Mark Camacho and Larry Day.

MARK OF TERROR See: THE DRUMS OF JEOPARDY

MARK OF THE BEAST See: FEAR NO EVIL

MARK OF THE CLAW See: DICK TRACY’S DILEMMA

MARK OF THE DEVIL (hexen bis aufs blut gequalt) (1970 W.GER) D/W: MICHAEL ARMSTRONG D/W/P: ADRIAN HOVEN Between THE WITCHFINDER GENERAL and THE DEVILS came this hit exploitation item that had an effective ad campaign (“Banned in 31 countries!”). Herbert Lom is the new witchfinder in town, Udo Kier his accomplice. Sexy nude women are branded and tortured until they confess (one has her tongue ripped out). This makes for great grindhouse entertainment, but MARK OF THE DEVIL is also a very effective look at the corruption and the stupidity of the Inquisition (and in some respects the regular townsfolk). In one scene, puppeteers are arrested for witchcraft! This film is deserving of more respect I’d say. With Herbert Fux as the executioner, the unique-looking Reggie Nalder and Hoven (who returned with MARK OF THE DEVIL PART 2) in an acting turn. Armstrong had previously directed THE HAUNTED HOUSE OF HORROR (1969).

MARK OF THE DEVIL II (hexen geschandet und zu tode gequalt) (1972 W.GER UK) D/W/P: ADRIAN HOVEN W: FRED DENGER The unique-looking Reggie Nalder returns from the original. Anton Diffring stars as the mean man in power this time. Right-hand man/torturer Nalder’s main targets are Erika Blanc’s little boy and a nun, both on trial for pretending to be able to fly (blasphemy). This is neither as gory or as powerful as its predecessor, but is still a pretty good exploitation movie, with torture scenes and nudity. Hoven acts, with Jean-Pierre Zola, Ellen Umlauf, Harry Hardt and Johannes Buzalski.

MARK OF THE DEVIL 4 See: HORROR RISES FROM THE TOMB

MARK OF THE DEVIL PART 4 See: TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD

MARK OF THE DEVIL 5 See: RETURN OF THE BLIND DEAD

MARK OF THE SCORPION See: RATHER KISS A COBRA

MARK OF THE VAMPIRE (1935 US) D/P: TOD BROWNING W: GUY ENDORE/BERNARD SCHUBERT P: E.J. MANNIX (uncredited) Apart from a few tantalising stills (assembled into a makeshift reconstruction by AMC), Browning’s LONDON AFTER MIDNIGHT (1927) remains lost. What we do have though is this decent (if overrated and dated) remake. Bela Lugosi (who isn’t in it much) stars with Carrol Borland as his daughter (the real star), who creeps around scaring people while Lionel Barrymore (as the Van Helsing character) and Lionel Atwill as a cop investigate in vain. With Elizabeth Allen, Jean Hersholt, Donald Meek, Ivan F. Simpson, Holmes Herbert, Michael Visaroff, Lionel Belmore, Robert Greig, Doris Lloyd, Eily Malyon, Torben Meyer, Henry Stephenson, Egon Brecher, Christian Rub and Zeffie Tilburn. The celebrated surprise ending is to my mind simply annoying. It’s approximately one hour long and James Wong Howe’s photography is exceptional. Browning made the amazing THE DEVIL DOLL next and then ended his fascinating career with the odd MIRACLES FOR SALE.

MARK OF THE VAMPIRE (1957) See: THE VAMPIRE

MARK OF THE WEST See: CURSE OF THE UNDEAD

MARKS (marks mountain; marks no yama) (1995 JPN) D/W: YOICHI SAI W: SHOICHI MARUYAMA P: RENJI TAZAWA Bodies are being discovered in downtown Tokyo with entry wounds in the top of the head. Kiichi Nakai is a detective on the case who all the other cops seem to despise and beatup. Slow-burning, low-key and convoluted, this is a flawed gem that’s evocative, ambiguous and ambitious. With Masato Hagiwara, Yuko Natori, Nenji Kobayashi, Ittoku Kishibe, Ren Osugi, Susumu Terajima, Masato Furoya, Nagare Hagiwara, Goro Kishitani, Kennichi Endo, Gin Maeda, Denden and a score by Tim Donahue. Based on a novel by Kaoru Takamura. Sai made the great, underrated DOG RACE next.

MARKS MOUNTAIN See: MARKS

MARK STRIKES AGAIN See: THE .44 SPECIALIST

M.A.R.K. 13 See: HARDWARE

MARNIE (1964 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: JAY PRESSON ALLEN After the suspenseful hit THE BIRDS, Hitchcock made this much less accessible psycho-sexual melodrama. Tippi Hedren (also in THE BIRDS) is the title character, a kleptomaniac living under a fake identity as a wealthy socialite with a fear of the colour red (the screen flashing red prior to suspenseful moments was the gimmick in theatres; Hitchcock was no William Castle!). Sean Connery (in a very different role to James Bond, a character he was just slipping into at the time) is her sadistic blackmailing husband who wants to know her turbulent past. Overwrought and less subtle than usual for Hitchcock, it’s still essential viewing for fans, if not among his finest. With Diane Baker, Bruce Dern (later in Hitchcock’s FAMILY PLOT), Alan Napier, Mariette Hartley, Edith Evanson, John Hart and the usual Hitch cameo. Based on Winston Graham’s novel.

MARRIED TO THE MOB (1986 US) D: JONATHAN DEMME W: BARRY STRUGARTZ/MARK R. BURNS P: KENNETH UTT/EDWARD SAXON/MICHEL A. CHERUBINO One of Demme’s best is a sometimes very funny comedy thriller about a murdered hitman’s wife trying to escape the clutches of the Mafia with the help of defected FBI agent Matthew Modine, who’s supposed to be monitoring her. Dean Stockwell steals the show as Tony the Tiger (he’s grrrreaaat! — sorry). The excellent supporting cast includes Joan Cusack, Alec Baldwin, Tracey Walter, Mercedes Ruehl, Charles Napier, Nancy Travis, Al Lewis, David Johansen, Chris Isaak, Paul Lazar, Marlene Willoughby, Oliver Platt, Obba Babatunde, Todd Solondz and Joe Spinnell.

MARS (new total recall) (1996 US) D: JON HESS W: PATRICK HIGHSMITH/STEVE HARTOV P: AVI NESHER/ KATHY JORDAN Olivier Gruner is a “keeper” who goes to a dome on Mars to investigate the death of his brother. Mars is a crime-riddled, disease-plagued wasteland run by a corrupt mining corporation in this ok TOTAL RECALL copy. Shari Belafonte is a helpful doctor, Scott Valentine is a hermit with an awful accent and Alex Hyde-White is a villain. With Gabriel Dell Jr. as a comic relief sidekick and Nils Allen Stewart. Memory discs are copied from STRANGE DAYS (1995).

MARS ATTACKS! (1996 US) D/P: TIM BURTON W: JONATHAN GEMS P: LARRY FRANCO This sci-fi comedy based on old bubblegum trading cards has great looking aliens with huge exposed brains and laser guns attacking the Earth, but has a boring script, nothing much exciting happens and the humour is a very acquired taste (not mine). Some scenes and ideas are cool, but I expected better. Jack Nicholson stars in two roles (one is the President), with Pierce Bronan, Anette Bening, Glenn Close, Danny DeVito, Martin Short, Sarah Jessica Parker, Rod Steiger, Tom Jones, Lukas Haas, Jim Brown, Lisa Marie, Natalie Portman, Michael J. Fox, Joe Don Baker, Christina Applegate, Pam Grier, Paul Winfield, Sylvia Sidney, Jack Black, Jerzy Skomilowski, Rance Howard, Barbet Schroeder, Willie Garson and Rebecca Silva. Visual references include EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS and THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL.

MARS ATTACKS THE WORLD See: FLASH GORDON’S TRIP TO MARS

MARSHALL LAW See: THE SIEGE

MARS MEN See: JUMBORG ACE & GIANT

MARS NEEDS WOMEN (1966 US) D/W/P: LARRY BUCHANAN W: ANTHONY HOUSTON (uncredited) After three women suddenly vanish, a message from space is decoded: “Mars needs women!” Apparently a mutation in the Martian genetic coding has resulted in no Y chromosomes being created. Therefore five ambassadors (including star Tommy Kirk) must find suitable women to take back to their planet (“we come in earnest”). After the Earth powers refuse, the Martians land in Houston, Texas, to secretly woo (they can hypnotise) and abduct some specimens. Before the aliens find suits to wear, they walk around in diver suits with antennae. They also use an “air knife”. Kirk falls in love with scientist Yvonne Craig (tv’s Batgirl) and the mission must be aborted. This ridiculous but strangely watchable AIP package movie (it’s referred to as Buchanan’s most “personal” of the eight he made for them) is often regarded as a remake of PAJAMA PARTY (1964) (which Kirk had a similar role in), but it isn’t really. With Buchanan regulars Bill Thurman and Anthony Houston, and time is wasted watching an educational film (narrated by Buchanan) in a planetarium.

MAR’S VILLA (rocky lee; wu tang magic kick; san tui; shen tui) (1979 TAI) D/P: TING CHUNG John Liu defends his wife and home from villainous Phillip Ko Fei and kills him in the process. Ko Fei’s son (choreographer Stephen Tung Wai) and brother (Ko Fei again) seek revenge in this solid kung fu film that’s enjoyable, but doesn’t quite deserve its reputation as one of the best Taiwanese independents of the period. With Suen Yuet, Wong Chi Sang and a soundtrack stolen from HANG ‘EM HIGH (1968).

MARTIAL ARTS FOR REVENGE See: FIST OF THE GOLDEN MONKEY

MARTIAL ARTS OF SHAOLIN (1974) See: SHAOLIN MARTIAL ARTS

MARTIAL ARTS OF SHAOLIN (shaolin temple 3; naam bak siu lam; nan bei shao lin) (1986 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG W: SI YEUNG PONG P: AN TSE KAI/HU YAT YUEN/FU QI Jet Li leads Shaolin monks in revenge against oppressors. Ok kung fu entertainment, but not among Liang’s finest. It follows SHAOLIN TEMPLE and KIDS FROM SHAOLIN.

THE MARTIAL CLUB See: INSTRUCTORS OF DEATH

MARTIAL COP See: MARTIAL OUTLAW

MARTIAL LAW 3 See: MISSION OF JUSTICE

MARTIAL OUTLAW (martial cop) (1993 CAN) D: KURT ANDERSON W: THOMAS RITZ/JOHN BRYANT/GEORGE SAUNDERS/MEYER SCHWARZSTEIN W/P: PIERRE DAVID Jeff Wincott is a DEA agent after Russian drug smugglers in LA. Gary Hudson is his corrupt LAPD brother who’s helping out the villains. They both use martial arts in this generic action movie. With Richard Jaeckel (in a useless role), Christopher Kriesa, Liliana Komorowska and Ritz.

MARTIANS!!! See: SPACED INVADERS

MARTIN (1976 US) D/W: GEORGE A. ROMERO P: RICHARD RUBINSTEIN/BEN BARENHOLTZ (uncredited) Romero’s best is a disturbing, insightful masterpiece starring John Amplas as a very confused 18-year-old orphan sent to live with his elderly cousin, who puts it into the kid’s head that he’s an ageless vampire. Martin becomes a regular voice on a local late-night radio advice programme when he’s not slaughtering women. Lacking the sharp teeth, he uses razors and syringes to drain the blood. But the sexually meek and inexperienced killer is more sympathetic than threatening, and one truly feels for him as his idiotic cousin does more harm than good. The ending is a real gut-wrencher. Available in several alternate versions throughout the years, it’s now finally available in an uncut pristine print (a great version has also been screened several times on UK’s C4) which includes often excised footage of a chicken having its head cut off. But in any version, it’s a must-see. With Michael Gornick, FX guy Tom Savini in a small part and Romero as a priest.

MARVELOUS KUNG FU (sandman; qi quan guai tui qi ba xing) (1982 TAI) D: RAYMOND LUI W: CHOI SUI-WA Star Lui (who helped choreograph the action, and directed THE FATAL FLYING GUILLOTINES) is asked to carry a sword to Golden Town for a reward by a young girl. An ugly dwarf (Shorty Wong) and Ngai Ping-Ngo (who ends up falling in a toilet for big yuks) try to steal it (one scene in which Ngai sets up booby traps that invariably go wrong is like a Road Runner/Wile E. Coyote cartoon). So do a bunch of other weirdos with different animal styles. I guess the fighting in this kung fu comedy is ok, but the emphasis is on the painful lowbrow gags. Retarded and/or ugly characters (I’m not sure which sometimes) are played for laughs, and at one point the English dub has Shorty exclaiming “I’m a man, although I don’t look like one”. Not much fun to watch, although I did burst out laughing when a brief fight scene was set to the theme from GREASE! With Chen Chiu, Man Man, Au Lap-Bo and Wong Chung-Yue.

THE MARVELOUS MERVO See: BLOOD HARVEST

MARY, MARY, BLOODY MARY (1975 MEX) D: JUAN LOPEZ MOCTEZUMA W: MALCOLM MARMROSTEIN/ DON RICO/DON HENDERSON P: HENRI BOLLINGER/ROBERT YAMIN Former model Christina Ferrare is a bisexual serial killer who stabs victims she seduces in the neck and drinks their blood. Suddenly another killer seems to be mimicking her MO. Enrique Lucero is a local cop who helps an American FBI agent investigate in this not wholly successful but different and interesting oddity from the director of DR. TARR’S TORTURE DUNGEON (1973). John Carradine isn’t in it much, so was substituted by someone else who doesn’t resemble him at all (not that it actually matters). With Carlos Riquelme and José Angel Espinosa.

MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN (1994 UK US JPN) D: KENNETH BRANAGH W: STEPH LADY/FRANK DARABONT P: FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA/JAMES V. HART/JOHN VEITCH Coppola backed this follow up to his BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA. Like that, it’s an expensive, overblown mess, and isn’t as close to the original novel as it claimed. Branagh stars as Dr. Victor Frankenstein, Robert DeNiro is a badly cast creature and Helena Bonham Carter figures in an added BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN subplot. With John Cleese, Ian Holm, Aidan Quinn, Robert Hardy, Richard Briers, Celia Imrie and Hugh Bonneville. It’s way too long, so you may fall asleep. Next up (the same year) for lame overlong and unrequired updated adaptions of horror standards was WOLF.

THE MASK (1994 US) D: CHUCK RUSSELL W: MIKE WERB/MICHAEL FALLON/MARK VERHEIDEN P: BOB ENGELMAN Jim Carrey is a cartoon-loving nice guy loser who finds a magical mask that contains the spirit of the Norse god of mischief. When he puts it on he transforms into a hyperkinetic cartoonish superhero with a green face. The things he does (through the use of excellent ILM FX) are inspired by Tex Avery cartoons. There are song and dance numbers, and a HELLZAPOPPIN’-style reality interference. Peter Greene is the bad guy gangster who also wears the mask, and Cameron Diaz co-stars as the love interest. With Peter Riegert, Richard Jeni, Ben Stein and Nils Allen Stewart. Aurprisingly enjoyable hit that apparently also borrows from the 1961 3D movie of the same name. It’s officially based on a Dark Horse comic. Russell (who made the good BLOB remake) was also an executive producer. Followed by SON OF THE MASK (2005).

THE MASK OF FU MANCHU (1932 US) D: CHARLES BRABIN/CHARLES VIDOR (uncredited) W: IRENE KUHN/EDGAR ALLAN WOOLF/JOHN WILLARD Archaeologist Lawrence Grant plans on an expedition to the Gobi desert to the recently discovered tomb of Genghis Khan (where his mask and scimitar were buried), but he’s kidnapped (by men disguised as mummies) and held captive by the diabolical Dr. Fu Manchu (Boris Karloff made up to be Oriental). Fu Manchu is also after the Genghis goodies so he can destroy the white race! Grant’s daughter Karen Morley, detective Lewis Stone and archaeologists Jean Hersholt and David Torrence must stop the “hideous yellow monster”. This great example of a b/w “yellow peril” thriller is only about an hour long, but has a death ray, an alligator pit, a closing wall of spikes, Fu Manchu’s sadistic daughter Myrna Loy supervising a savage whipping (by black slaves), a secret lab and more. With Charles Starrett, Willie Fung, Ferdinand Gottschalk, C. Monatgue Shaw and E. Allyn Warren. Harry Agar Lyons was Fu Manchu in a series of 23 UK two-reelers, screened under the series umbrellas of THE MYSTERY OF DR. FU MANCHU (in 1923) and THE FURTHER MYSTERIES OF FU MANCHU (in 1924). Warner Oland next played Sax Rohmer’s evil Oriental arch-villain in THE MYSTERIOUS DR. FU MANCHU, THE RETURN OF DR. FU MANCHU and DAUGHTER OF THE DRAGON (from 1929 to 1931). Harry Brandon was next after Karloff in the 1940 serial DRUMS OF FU MANCHU. A Spanish obscurity from 1946 is EL OTRO FU MANCHU/THE OTHER FU MANCHU, with Manuel Requena. Glen Gordon was a tv Fu Manchu in the short-lived THE ADVENTURES OF FU MANCHU in 1956, before Christopher Lee in a Euro series that began with THE FACE OF FU MANCHU.

THE MASK OF SATAN (black sunday; revenge of the vampire; la maschera del demonio) (1960 ITL) D/W: MARIO BAVA W: ENNIO DE CONCINI/MARIO SERANDREI P: MASSIMO DE RITA Bava’s amazing feature debut (after several documentaries, and completing work on ULYSSES, I VAMPIRI, CALTIKI and GIANT OF MARATHON) opens with a memorable, luird scene in which witch Barabara Steele has a spiked mask hammered onto her face! When she’s later revived by a drop of blood, she sets about replacing her double in the present day (also Steele). It’s based on Nikolai Gogol’s The Vij (also filmed under that title in Russia in 1967) and has atmosphere to spare, but I’m sure I don’t need to tell you all this again. Bava himself oversaw the fantastic b/w photography. Suffice to say that it still holds up and is a must see to this day. Enough said. With Andrea Checchi, John Richardson, Ivo Garrani and Renato Terra. Roberto Nicolosi’s very good soundtrack was replaced by Les Baxter for the US version. Remade in 1989, and the Yugoslavian SVETO MESTO was also based on Vij.

THE MASK OF VENJENCE (great conspiracy; feng liu can jian xue wu hen) (1980 HK) D: PAO HSIEH-LI P: KAO FEI In this extremely convoluted, actionpacked but rather lacklustre kung fu production from a director known for his Shaw Bros hits, Roc Tien stars as a man with a small jade knife, who’s hired by masked men to find and capture a dangerous, scarred, blind and deaf old cripple. He’s given a manual on knife skills as reward, and lots of other fighters try to challenge him for the booklet. Shih Szu (disguised as a man) co-stars. With Nora Miao, Kam Kong, Wang Lai, Wong Ching, Sit Hon, Wu Jiaxiang, Tin Ching, Hong Wai, Wang Hsieh, Choi Wang, Danny Lee, Tan Tao-Liang, Shih Ting-Ken and Cheung Chung-Kwai. It seems like a typo, but VENJENCE is the title on the print!

THE MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH (1964 UK) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: CHARLES BEAUMONT/R. WRIGHT CAMPBELL The sadistic Satanist Prince Prospero (Vincent Price) insults and humiliates nobility at his castle while the oppressed peasants die from a plague called “the red death” outside. Patrick Magee (who wears a gorilla suit) wants to overthrow Price, who’s fascinated by captive peasant girl Jane Asher and her innocent good will. Skip Martin also plays an important role in this classic Edgar Allan Poe adaption from AIP. Nicolas Roeg was the cinematographer and Daniel Haller was production designer. With Hazel Court, Nigel Green and Bill Owen. Earlier versions of the story are Fritz Lang’s THE PLAGUE IN FLORENCE (1912) and the Soviet A SPECTRE HAUNTS EUROPE (1923). There were a further two remakes in 1989. Corman’s final Poe adaption was THE TOMB OF LIGEIA.

MASSACRE (1989 ITL) D/W: ANDREA BIANCHI P: LUIGI NANNERINI/ANTONIO LUCIDI The cast and crew of a low-budget film being shot in a rural hotel are killed off by a psycho with an axe. One woman is skewered on a railing. Lucio Fulci “presents”, and some of the gore scenes ended up in his CAT IN THE BRAIN. With Paul Muller and Maurice Poli. Bianchi also made the much more entertaining zombie movie THE NIGHTS OF TERROR. Skip this dud and check that out instead.

MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH (blackboard massacre; sexy jeans) (1976 US) D/W: RENEE DAALDER P: HAROLD SOBEL Unusual and very good revenge flick stars Derrel Maury as the new kid at a California high school where a powerful gang rules. After his friend is terrorised and he himself gets a car dropped on his leg, the stage is set for a bizarre spree of vengeance and everything on-screen starts exploding. With Robert Carradine and Andrew Stevens. Recommended.

MASSACRE AT FORT HOLMAN (a reason to live, a reason to die; una ragione per vivere e una per morire; der dicke und das warzenschwein; la horde des soolopardis; una rason para vivir una para momir; sie vekaufen den tod; une raison pour viveri une raison pour mourir) (1972 ITL FRA W.GER SPN) D/W: TONINO VALERII W: “JAY LYNN” (ERNESTO GASTALDI)/ HOWARD SANFORD P: ARTHUR STELOFF James Coburn is a supposedly cowardly Union Army Colonel who surrendered a fort to Confederate Major Telly Savalas and ran away. He has seven men (including big Bud Spencer) pardoned from a hanging and takes them back there to reclaim the fort and steal a stash of gold. There is indeed a massacre. Not bad, but Valerii’s unmissable western credit is MY NAME IS NOBODY (co-directed with Sergio Leone). He also made DAY OF WRATH. With Angel Aluarez, Ugo Fangareggi, Georges Geret, Reinhard Kolldehoff, Spencer’s oft-partner Terence Hill and José Suarez.

MASSACRE IN DINOSAUR VALLEY (cannibal ferox 2; perdidos no valie dos dinossauros; a baixeda do dinosauros nudo e selvaggio) (1985 ITL BRZ) D/W: “MICHAEL E. LEMICK” (MICHELE MASSIMO TARANTINI) W: DARDANO SACCHETTI A bunch of tourists (including a selfish, paranoid ’nam vet, some models and archaeologist hero) end up in the jungles of Brazil after a plane crash and encounter a tribe of Indians (!) who sacrifice topless women using a dinosaur hand with claws. Then they fall into the clutches of sadistic drugdealers. With Michael Sopkiw, Jofre Soares, Milton Rodriguez, gore, tits, bad comedy and boredom setting in pretty quickly.

MASSACRE IN HOLLYWOOD See: HELTER SKELTER (1976)

MASSACRE MANSION See: MANSION OF THE DOOMED

MASSACRE TIME (the brute and the beast; colt concert; la colt contarano; tempo di massacro) (1966 ITL) D/P: LUCIO FULCI W: FERNANDO DI LEO Prospector Franco Nero returns to his home town and drunken brother (Jorge Hilton) to find his family ranch (and the whole town) is now owned by a ruthless landowner and his demented, sadistic, whip-wielding son. Not one of Fulci’s best, but a decent, understated western that slowly builds to the climax promised in the title. With “John McDouglas” (Giuseppe Addobbati), Sal Brogese, Tom Felleghy and Romano Puppo. Fulci’s other westerns are THE FOUR OF THE APOCALYPSE and SILVER SADDLE (1978) (and he co-directed 1969’S DESPERATE MEN).

MASSEUR ICHI AND A CHEST OF GOLD (zatoichi and the chest of gold; blind swordsman zatoichi and the chest of gold; zatoichi sen ryo kubi) (1964 JPN) D: KAZUO IKEHIRO W: SHOZABURO ASAI/AKIKAZU OTA P: IKURO KUBOKAWA In another excellent Zatoichi movie, the blind swordsman (Shintaro Katsu) has very bad luck when he’s falsely accused of stealing a pile of gold. Greedy ronin are the real culprits. Lots of great scenes. With Tomisaburo Wakayama from the LONE WOLF AND CLUB series, Mikiko Tsubouchi, Tatsuya Ishigura, Kenjiro Uemura, Saburo Date, Kazunari Doi, Yusaku Terashima and Hiroshi Hayashi. ZATOICHI’S FLASHING SWORD was next.

MASSEUR ICHI ENTERS AGAIN (zatoichi enters again; zatoichi: the blind swordsman’s return; new tale of zatoichi; shin zatoichi monogatari) (1963 JPN) D: TOKUZO TANAKA W: MANORU INUZUKA/KIKUO UMEBAYASHI Shintaro Katsu returns as the blind masseur in this particularly good third entry. It’s also important to series fans as Zatoichi almost marries his teacher’s sister (Mikiko Tsubouchi). The usual wrongdoers are punished. This series deserves an award for consistent quality. With Seizaburo Kawazu, Fujio Suga, Toyoko Takechi and Emiko Kondo. MASSEUR ICHI, THE FUGITIVE was next.

MASSEUR ICHI ON THE ROAD See: ZATOICHI ON THE ROAD

MASSEUR ICHI, THE FUGITIVE (zatoichi’s criminal journey; zatoichi, the fugitive; zatoichi, crazy journey; zatoichi kyojo tabi) (1963 JPN) D: TOZUKO TANAKA W: SEIJI HOSHIKAWA EXEC P: MASAICHI NAGATA Another fine Zatoichi entry. The blind masseur (Shintaro Katsu) gets mixed up in a family dispute with the usual elements you’ve come to expect. Fun again for Zatoichi fans, others need not apply. With the cute Miwa Takada (DAIMAJIN), Masayo Banri, Katsuhiko Kobayashi, Hiroshi Nawa, Sachiko Murase, Toru Abe, Mitsusaburo Ramon, Kazunari Doi, Sumao Ishihara and Kikasue Tamao. ZATOICHI ON THE ROAD followed.

THE MASSIVE (murder of murders; fight of an angry dragon; yuk ching ting; yu qing ting) (1978 HK) D: WU MA W: LING LING P: DOONG JIEN CHIN If you don’t have the temperament for the lowbrow comedy that graces many low-budget kung fu films, try this more serious mystery fight flick with an intriguing story, and plenty of great action (based on Huang Yin’s novel The Jade Dragonfly). During an expensive and heavily guarded business transaction, a legendary thief known as the Jade Dragonfly makes off with valuable jewels, and buyer Lo Lieh’s cash. Enter Kam Kong as a hardnosed no-nonsense detective (and expert fighter) with an eye on Lieh as the prime suspect. But when Lieh is poisoned to death, his alleged brother (star Chi Kuan Chun) arrives and gets in Kam’s way, while trying to solve the murder. Miu Tin is The Light In The Dark, another party with personal motives for solving the case. With Phillip Ko Fei, Yue Yuen, Shih Ting Ken, Wu Jiaxiang, Yueh Hua, Liu Ming and Lee Chu (who I think may have choreographed). A little gem for genre fans.

THE MASTER (tv series) See: MASTER NINJA (series)

THE MASTER (wong fei hung 1992; huang fei hong 1992) (1989 HK) D/P: TSUI HARK W: LAM KEE-TO/ LAU DAAI MUK Jet Li is a naïve young martial arts student from China who goes to LA to visit his master Yuen Wah. The stubborn Wah’s medicine shop is being leaned on by gangsters and a bank is wanting to shut it down. Li uses kung fu and supposedly amusing limited English to save the day. There are a few brief action highlights, but all-in-all it’s a pretty lousy entry in both Hark and Li’s library. Look for Cory Yuen Kwai and Billy Blanks. A flop on its original release, it was rereleased in 1992 with a new title to cash in on Li and Hark’s megahit ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA and did better business than it deserved to.

MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD (2003 US) D/W/P: PETER WEIR W: JOHN COLLEE P: SAMUEL GOLDWYN JR./DUNCAN HENDERSON Russell Crowe is Captain Jack Aubrey, leading a galleon of men across the seas in search of a superior French ship during the war on Napoleon. Paul Bettany co-stars as a surgeon and naturalist desperate to explore the Galapagos Islands. Based on Patrick O’Brian’s series of adventure novels, this critically acclaimed epic filmed around Mexico and Ecuador is good, but no better than several other swashbucklers churned out by Hollywood in decades past. With James D’Arcy, Edward Woodall, Chris Larkin, Robert Pugh, Billy Boyd and George Innes.

THE MASTER AND THE BOXER See: THE 36 CRAZY FISTS

MASTERBLASTER (1986 US) D/W: GLENN R. WILDER W/P: RANDY GRINTER W: JEFF MOLDOVAN Moldovan plays the moody loner ’nam vet hero in this lousy action flick about a paintball contest in the woods where people really start to get killed. With Kari Whitman, Antoni Corone and a decapiation. William Grefe was the executive producer and Buzz Fetishans was the first assistant cameraman. The director is a stuntman, and I guess that Grinter is related to the director of BLOOD FREAK (which he also worked on).

MASTER KILLER See: THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN

MASTER NINJA I (the master) (1984 US) D: ROBERT CLOUSE/RAY AUSTIN P: NIGEL WATTS THE MASTER was a short-lived (14 episodes) and not very good tv series about a Ninja warrior (Lee Van Cleef!) who teaches young Timothy Van Patten his skills in San Francisco. All episodes have been packaged back to back into seven dull “features”. This one has Demi Moore, Clu Gulager, Bill McKinney, Claude Akins, Dick Durock, Soon-Tek Oh and regular villain Sho Kosugi. Later episodes featured Monte Markham, George Lazenby, David McCallum, Art Hindle, Terri Treas, Stuart Whitman, William Smith, Janine Turner, Dick O’Neill, Doug McClure and Jock Mahoney. Some of these were directed by Sidney Hayers and Gordon Hessler.

MASTER OF HORROR (1990) See: TWO EVIL EYES

MASTER OF REAL KUNG FU See: TAI CHI 2

MASTER OF TERROR See: 4D MAN

MASTER OF THE FLYING GUILLOTINE See: ONE ARMED BOXER 2

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (1987 US) D: GARY GODDARD W: DAVID ODELL P: MENAHEM GOLAN/ YORAM GLOBUS Cannon failed to crack the post-STAR WARS market with this live action fantasy adventure based on a line of toys from Mattel (also the basis for a popular 80s cartoon series, and feature animated spin-off THE SECRET OF THE SWORD in 1985). Dolph Lundgren (in his first starring role, after being in A VIEW TO A KILL and ROCKY IV in 1985) is He-Man, a muscular warrior from the land of Eternia. The skull-faced Skeletor (Brit-accented Frank Langella, although it could be anyone under the mask) wants the power of Castle Greyskull, and “the cosmic key”, a space portal opening device designed by the troll-like comic relief locksmith Gwildor (Billy Barty). Lundgren, Barty and sidekicks Jon Cypher and Chelsea Field escape to Earth (where everyone thinks the key is a Japanese synthesiser), followed by Skeletor’s beastly minions. They are aided by orphan Courteney Cox, and her musician boyfriend Robert Duncan McNeill. The action is a mix of sword fights and laser battles. Parts still look quite impressive, but this is a corny, childish and quite boring movie (younger kids might enjoy). With Meg Foster as Evil-Lyn, and James Tolkan as a dumb cop. There is no She-Ra: Princess of Power. Director Goddard is known for his theme park attraction movies. The proposed MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE II somehow became the Jean-Claude Van Damme vehicle CYBORG. Lundgren went on to RED SCORPION and more standard action-man fare (although the sci-fi tinged DARK ANGEL is worth a look).

MASTERS OF TIGER CRANE See: RAGING MASTER’S TIGER CRANE

MASTER SWORDSMAN See: MUSASHI MIYAMOTO

THE MASTER TOUCH (hearts and minds; a man to respect; un uomoda rispettare) (1972 ITL W.GER) D/W: MICHELE LUPPO W: MINO ROLI/NICO DUCCI/ FRANCO BUCCERI/ROBERTO LEONI Kirk Douglas is an ex-con safecracker in Hamburg, who enlists the help of trapeze artist Giuliano Gemma (a veteran of several Eurowesterns) to rip-off a vault guarded by a hi-tech computerized security system. Some of the dialogue is corny, but it’s an enjoyable heist flick with retro 70s hi-tech, and, of course, a great, destructive and ridiculous extended car chase. With Florinda Bolkan, Wolfgang Preiss, Romano Puppo, Reinhard Holldehoff, Bruno Corazzari, John Bartha, Vittorio Fanfoni and Luigi Antonio Guerra. Apparently scenes with Paul Muller were deleted.

MASTER WITH CRACKED FINGERS (cub tiger from kwang tung; snake fist fighter; the big master; little tiger from canton; stranger in hong kong; gong dung siu liu foo; guang dong xiao lao hu) (1971/81 HK) D: WEI HOY FUNG P: LEE LONG KOAN A young Jackie Chan had starred in a 1971 quickie that sat unreleased for a decade until someone decided that post-DRUNKEN MASTER they could turn it into a hit. The original story has Chan as a waiter who gets involved with gangsters despite his father forbidding him to fight. New footage of Yuen Siu Tien (aka Simon Yuen) was added, he appears as Jackie’s teacher. Dean Shek in an endearingly silly part as a comic relief gambler was also added and there’s even a nonsensically edited in short sequence from DRUNKEN MASTER. The new scenes that involve Jackie’s character have him either off screen, in the dark, far away or wearing a blindfold! The Englishdubbed version (“Dick Randall Presents”) and the Chinese release both feature different endings, and Jackie is in neither! A third Japanese release version does feature the original Jackie Chan ending though, but it’s less exciting than the other two. With Tien Fong, Kwan Young Moon, Yuen Biao and Hon Gwok Choi. Most kung fu fans pick on this due to it’s mix’n’match history, but to be fair it’s quite entertaining, and even then Chan’s choreography showed promise with some decent fights. Not sure about Shek eating spinach and hoping it works for him Popeye-style though!

MATALO! See: KILL HIM!

MATANGO (attack of the mushroom people) (1963 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: MASAMI FUKUSHIMA/ SHINICHIRO HOSHI/TAKESHI KIMURA Six vacationers on a yacht are shipwrecked on an island where strange-looking mushrooms grow. They decide not to eat the potentially poisonous fungi, but can’t resist the temptation for long. Users eventually turn into mushroom creatures! Slow-moving, but very colourful, atmospheric and it’s not as if there’s overcrowding at the killer mushroom monster section at your local video store is it? I saw the Japanese-language version, but I hear the US release English dub has some funny dialogue that makes the wait between mushroom attacks more enjoyable. With Akira Kubo, Kumi Mizuno, Kenji Sahara, Horoshi Koizumi, Yoshio Tsuchiya and Eisei Amamoto. It’s based on William Hope Hodgson’s story The Voice In The Night (adapted once before for an episode of the 50s tv show Suspicion). Hoshi is a famous sci-fi novelist who also scripted Honda’s H-MAN. They’re both considered “drug metaphor” movies.

MATCHING ESCORT (jin fen you long; venus the ninja; venus: wolf ninja; wolf devil woman 2) (1982 TAI) D: CHANG LING P: CHANG TING CHI Director Chang (aka Pearl Cheung Ling) stars as a woman who’s been forced by her father (Wong Hap) to wear heavy iron shoes since she was a little girl. When she takes them off she can fly! After her father is murdered, she’s thrown down a well where an old man (Sek Fung?) teaches her resilience and kung fu. Soon it’s time to take revenge (“I come from the depths of Hell”). Kung fu fantasy slows a little in the midsection, but has good use of wirework, unusual weapons and gore. Pretty entertaining when it gets going. Mang Fei co-stars and whoever that old man in the well is, he has a dual role. With Pang Gang.

MATINEE (1993 US) D: JOE DANTE W: CHARLES S. HAAS/JERICO P: MICHAEL FINNELL Dante reconstructs suburban America 1962 in the midst of the Cuban missile crisis. The fun (but not brilliant) slice-of-life tale about a confused teenager growing up during this time is of interest mainly due to John Goodman’s turn as a William Castle-type director and showman who’s come to town with his latest opus Mant! (half man, half ant), shot in Atomo-Vision and featuring Rumble-Rama! The scenes from Mant! are very well done and the highlights of the film. I also liked the shopping trolley with a mind of its own. With Cathy Moriarty, John Sayles, Dick Miller, Kevin McCarthy, Forrest J. Ackerman, Lucinda Jenney, Roberto Picardo, Naomi Watts, Marc Macaulay, William Schallert and the voice of Brett Rice.

MATRIX (1999 US) D/W: ANDY and LARRY WACHOWSKI P: JOEL SILVER Keanu Reeves is a computer hacker who discovers our reality is actually a computer matrix to keep us humans under control. In the “real world” (great visual FX from John Gaeta) giant artificial intelligence robots harvest us in little pods so they can feed off our eccentricity. Laurence Fishburne is the leader of a renegade force in this world who awakens Reeves, believed to be “the chosen one”. This renegade group tries to free the human race while being hunted by trackers inside the matrix. This much-hyped blockbuster hit features lots of action, martial arts, monsters and plot ludicrouses (like the massacre of innocent people that the renegades are trying to save). It is entertaining, but claims that it’s the best sci-fi thriller ever made are over-the-top. Yuen Woo Ping was the kung fu choreographer, but Reeves doesn’t look like a convincing fighter. As for the other famous action scenes, they are good, but derivative (as opposed to innovative) and lack a certain tangible, real brutality that would have raised the movie a few notches. With Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Weaving and Joe Pantoliano. The entire trilogy was filmed in Australia.

THE MATRIX RELOADED (2003 US) D/P: ANDY AND LARRY WACHOWSKI P: JOEL SILVER Reeves, Fishburne and Moss return in this sequel filmed in Australia. The action (including Yuen Woo Ping choreographed wirework-heavy fights) is so over-thetop and cartoonish that it might take you a while to adjust. But once you do, it’s extremely exciting (especially in a theatre) with a knowing sense of its own ridiculousness (which is wisely delivered more-or-less deadpan). It ends with an unresolved set-up for THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS (with which it was filmed back to back). With Harold Perrineau Jr., lots of Hugo Weavings, Anthony Zerbe, Daniel Bernhardt, Jada Pinkett Smith, Harry J. Lennix, Kelly Butler, Monica Bellucci, Ngai Sing, Gina Torres, Leigh Whannell (SAW) and Lambert Wilson.

THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS (2003 US) D/W: ANDY and LARRY WACHOWSKI P: JOEL SILVER Despite being filmed at the same time as the previous entry, sharing the same cast, plus Kate Beahan and Bruce Spence), this lacklustre conclusion to the MATRIX trilogy seems cut from a very different fabric. Gone is the stoic, knowing yet deadpan ridiculousness of the previous fun RELOADED, replaced by tiring, genuine self-importance. And after all that build up, you know the ending has to be a let-down. The Wachowskis returned with the bloated but much more fun, bright, kiddy-orientated SPEED RACER remake in 2008.

MATTHEW HOPKINS: WITCHFINDER GENERAL (the witchfinder general; the conqueror worm) (1968 UK) D/W: MICHAEL REEVES W: TOM BAKER P: ARNOLD LEWIS MILLER/LOUIS M. HEYWARD Vincent Price gives the performance of his career as corrupt Witchfinder General Matthew Hopkins in this nihilistic, downbeat but excellent and powerful historical drama (based on Ronald Bassett’s book) with horror elements. Ian Oglivy is the protagonist (not “hero”) avenging the brutal rape of his fiancee at the hands of Hopkins’ henchman. Difficult to convey its atmosphere on paper, this is indeed essential viewing in all its authentic, grotty glory. With Wilfrid Brambell. AIP released it in the states with Price reciting Poe’s The Conqueror Worm over the credits. Reeves’ final completed film, he died (suicide?) not long after.

MATT RIKER See: MUTANT HUNT

MAUSOLEUM (1981 US) D: MICHAEL DUGAN W/P: ROBERT BARICH/ROBERT MADERO W: KATHERINE ROSENWINK Bobbie Bresee (in her debut) stars as the possessed wife of wealthy Marjoe Gotner. Her breasts grow teeth and attack him! Lots of other supernatural nonsense goes on in the big mansion where she lives, and despite not making a hell of a lot of sense, this is quite a fun cheap horror flick with a likeable attitude. LaWanda Page is the maid.

MAVERICK (1994 US) D/P: RICHARD DONNER W: WILLIAM GOLDMAN P: BRUCE DAVEY This big-budget update of the western tv series created by Roy Huggins stars Mel Gibson as a gunslinging gambler. Gibson, Jodie Foster and James Garner (the original Maverick) travel together to a big poker competition set aboard a riverboat. With Alfred Molina and James Coburn as villains and Graham Greene as a politically corrected Indian character. Not bad and reasonably entertaining (if a little long). As well as earlier tv westerns (which many cast members are veterans of), A BIG HAND FOR THE LITTLE LADY (1966) was also a big influence. With Dan Hedaya, Dub Taylor, Geoffrey Lewis, Denver Pyle, Max Perlich, Art La Fleur, Leo V. Gordon, Corey Feldman, Waylon Jennings, Vince Gill, William Smith, Doug McClure, Burt Remsen, William Marshall, Danny Glover, Margot Kidder, Will Hutchins, Reba McEntire and cinematographer Vilmos Zsigmond. Scenes with Linda Hunt were deleted.

MAX HEADROOM: 20 MINUTES INTO THE FUTURE (1984 UK) D/W: ROCKY MORTON/ANNABEL JANKEL W: STEVE ROBERTS/GEORGE STONE P: PETER WAGG If you (like me) grew up during the 80s then you can’t have missed Max Headroom, a supposedly computer-generated human head that stuttered and wisecracked that was eventually used to promote products like Coca-Cola (and had a hit single/music video with The Art Of Noise). What I didn’t realise until many years later was that the origin of the concept (this hour-long made-for-tv featurette) was ahead-of-its-time satirical cyberpunk sci-fi excellence. In a dystopian future ruled by the tv networks, the biggest company try to stop viewers from changing channels with the use of compressed, subliminal three second “blipverts”, despite the fact that they cause particularly inactive couch-potatoes to explode. Matt Frewer is a renegade news reporter who uncovers the conspiracy with the help of assistant Amanda Pays. He also becomes Headroom (under lots of impressive makeup), a subversive wisecracking figure on a small, rival run-from-ajunkyard tv station. With William Morgan Sheppard. The concept later went on to the American ABC network for a short-lived tv series in 1987. The first episode was a remake of this. Worth backtracking and checking out.

MAXIMUM EGYPT See: THE OSIRUS PROJECT

MAXIMUM FORCE (1992 US) D/P: JOSEPH MERHI W: JOHN WEIDNER/KEN LAMPLUGH P: RICHARD PEPIN John Saxon takes three undercover cops (Sam J. Jones from FLASH GORDON, Sherrie Rose and some other guy) under his wing so they can take down crime lord Richard Lynch. Mickey Rooney is also in this dark and smoky PM release that isn’t very interesting or exciting. With Andrew Stevens and Sonny Landham.

MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (1986 US) D/W: STEPHEN KING P: MARTHA SCHUMACHER When the Earth enters the tail of a comet, electrical appliances all over the world turn against humans. This film based on King’s short story Trucks (it was later filmed under that title as well) concentrates on the events in North Carolina, primarily a truck stop diner (run by nasty Pat Hingle) terrorised by trucks. Emilio Estevez stars as an ex-con working there on parole. It’s all pretty boring, mixed with dumb comedy (which might have worked if the MPAA hadn’t cut out all the gore). With Giancarlo Esposito, J.C. Quinn, Frankie Faison and King. There’s death by vending machine.

MAXIMUM RISK (bloodstone; the exchange) (1996 US) D: RINGO LAM W: LARRY FERGUSON P: MOSHE DAIAMANT Lam’s first American crossover attempt is a major disappointment. Jean-Claude Van Damme is a French cop of Russian origin who finds out he has a twin (who was murdered) involved with the Russian Mafia in New York. Corrupt FBI agents turn out to be the real villains. Natasha Henstridge takes off her clothes again. Thoroughly routine stuff. With Jean Hugues Anglade, Zach Grenier, Paul Ben-Victor, David Hemblen, Stephane Audran, Carlo Rota, Joe Pingue and Dan Duran. Van Damme had already played twins in DOUBLE IMPACT, a film later copied by the Jackie Chan vehicle TWIN DRAGONS, co-directed by Lam. Ferguson made BEYOND THE LAW. Lam followed with the Van Damme vehicle REPLICANT.

MAXIMUM THRUST See: WALDO WARREN

MAY (2002 US) D/W: LUCKY McKEE P: MARIUS BALCHUNAS/SCOTT STURGEON Angela Bettis is an awkward, strange but cheerful veterinary assistant with a doll in a glass case who talks to her. After a series of disappointments with a boyfriend (Jeremy Sisto) and a lesbian (Anna Faris) and others, the payoff is that she finally cuts the people up and assembles a perfect friend from all her favourite parts. Well-done indie drama with horrific elements, but also prefabricated and forgettable. James Duval from Gregg Araki movies has a part. With Nichole Hitz, Will Estes and McKee.

MAYA (1989 ITL) D/W: MARCELLO AVALLONE W: ANDREA PURGATORI W/P: MAURIZIO TEDESCO Some Americans (including a short-lived William Berger) and Mexicans are killed by some kind of ancient Mayan evil on the eve of the Day of the Dead. More useless, boring crap from the untalented director of SPECTERS. The gore scenes are not very gory and it doesn’t make much sense. The best part is a bloody finger wrestling match near the beginning. After that, tune out.

THE MAZE (1953 US) D: WILLIAM CAMERON MENZIES W: DAN ULLMAN P: RICHARD HEERMANCE/ WALTER MIRISCH Richard Carlson is happily engaged until he’s summoned to an ancestral castle in Scotland (that is without modern conveniences like a phone or electricity). Once there he breaks his engagement, ages quickly and sullenly protects some kind of morbid family secret along with the servants. Underrated, effective b/w chiller has a secret that I’m not about to divulge if you’ve managed to avoid it thus far. But if you know, watch it anyway. With Michael Pate, John Dodsworth, Hillary Brooke, Clyde Cook and Bess Flowers. Originally in 3D, it’s based on a novel by Maurice Sandoz (who also wrote the 1946 Tod Slaughter vehicle CURSE OF THE WRAYDONS). Menzies made INVADERS FROM MARS the same year.

MAZES AND MONSTERS See: RONA JAFFE’S MAZES AND MONSTERS

McBAIN (1991 US) D/W: JAMES GLICKENHAUS P: J. BOYCE HARMON JR. This violent and unlikely vigilante revenge movie is pretty entertaining. I prefer it to Glickenhaus’ THE EXTERMINATOR (with which it shares some ideas). Christopher Walken and his ’nam vet friends help Maria Conchita Alonso revolt against a Colombian dictator and drug kingpin who has workers and children hooked on cocoa leaves. There are some very good action scenes. With Michael Ironside, Steve James, Vic Argo, Luis Guzman, Chick Vennera, Karen Duffy, scary crack dens, Walken attempting a British accent and an interesting point of view on Woodstock. The Colombia scenes were actually filmed in the Philippines.

McCABE & MRS. MILLER (1971 US) D/W: ROBERT ALTMAN W: BRIAN McKAY/WARREN BEATTY (uncredited) P: MITCHELL BROWER/DAVID FOSTER Warren Beatty pioneers the building of a whorehouse in the middle of boom-town to satisfy the menfolk working at the mine. Julie Christie is a British immigrant who pushily sets herself up as the brothel madame and turns it into a successful highclass joint. Like most Altman movies, this authenticlooking slice-of-life western drama is talky and slow, but if you can appreciate it it’s very well-done. With Rene Auberjonois, William Devane, Bert Remsen, Shelley Duvall, Keith Carradine, Michael Murphy, Wayne Robson, Don Francks and a Leonard Cohen ballad soundtrack.

McCULLOUGH’S MOUNTAIN See: BLOOD BEAST OF MONSTER MOUNTAIN

McQ (1974 US) D: JOHN STURGES W: LAWRENCE ROMAN P: ARTHUR GARDENER/JULES LEVY John Wayne is a cop who quits the force and sets himself up as a PI so he can investigate the death of his cop friend. Al Lattieri is a drug-dealing gangster and Eddie Albert is an arsehole police captain. Overlong thriller/mystery tries for gritty and hard-boiled but pulls too many punches. With Clu Gulager, David Huddleston, Julie Adams, Chuck Roberson and Joe Tornatore. Being as it’s 1974, there is, of course, a car chase. It was veteran director Sturges’ penultimate film. His last was THE EAGLE HAS LANDED (1976).

MEAN JOHNNY BARROWS (1974 US) D/P: FRED WILLIAMSON W: CHARLES WALKER/JOLIVETT CATO This was Williamson’s directorial debut. He stars as a dishonorably discharged ’nam vet finding life tough on the streets of LA (Elliott Gould has an odd cameo as a seasoned homeless character who shows him how to get a meal). Stuart Whitman is for some reason insistent on having him come to work for him as a hitman. After what seems like an age (and most of the running time), he eventually agrees and goes after rival mobsters (including flower shop-owning Roddy McDowall). Pretty much a talky bore for the most part, but if you do sit down to watch, you might as well make it through to the cool and unexpected surprise ending. With R.G. Armstrong as a mean gas station owner, Anthony Caruso and Leon Isaac Kennedy in his debut performance. “Peace is Hell.”

MEAN MACHINE (1973) See: THE CAULDRON OF DEATH

MEAN STREETS (1973 US) D/W/P: MARTIN SCORSESE W: MARDIK MARTIN P: JONATHAN T. TAPLIN Scorsese’s small-time gangster masterpiece stars Harvey Keitel and Robert DeNiro as Little Italy hoods. There’s no exact plot as such, just a rambling but masterfully concise series of events that shows their existence. It is, of course, brilliantly acted (a lot of it is ad-libbed) and features Scorsese’s wellchosen soundtrack selections (from the spine-chilling opening blast of The Ronettes’ classic Be My Baby). The bloody car chase/shoot-out finale (set to Cream live) is particularly well orchestrated. And check out DeNiro twirling to Rubber Biscuit by The Chips!. But it’s all great. A must-see. With David and Robert Carradine, Richard Romanus, Jeannie Bell, Vic Argo and David Proval.

MEATBALL MACHINE (1999 JPN) D/W/P: JUNICHI YAMAMOTO A young couple are investigating a rubbish dump when a metal box with tentacles attaches itself to the girl’s chest. It slowly becomes part of her, contaminating her heart and turning her into a weird robot. More robots (who look like Kamen Rider) turn up and one guy gets wrapped head-to-toe in metal sheeting and used as a big baton!! There’s also lots of blood, screaming, some great stop-motion animation and a homosexual blowjob scene. When released, it may differ from the preview screening (with questionnaire to fill in) that I saw. At the screening, the director (who obviously loves TETSUO) claimed it was three years in the making, and it does look like a labour of love. I appreciate this (and enjoyed the film), but just wished that Yamamoto diverted a bit more from the Tsukamoto-inspired template. ERASERHEAD is another influence and there’s some EVIL DEAD style camerawork. The print actually said MEATBOWL MACHINE. Edit: Since this review was written, MEATBALL has been remade, and the dvd features the original “short”, which appears to be a much shorter version of this feature. [Illus.]

MEATBALLS (summer camp) (1979 CAN) D: IVAN REITMAN W/P: DAN GOLDBERG W: JANIS ALLEN/LEN BLUM/HAROLD RAMIS Bill Murray is an irritating, childish nice guy camp counsellor called Tripper who helps a shy kid become popular in this hit comedy that’s like a toned down NATIONAL LAMPOON’S ANIMAL HOUSE for preteens. It ends with an Olympiad tournament against a rival camp. It’s pretty awful. With Harvey Atkin, Kristine DeBell and Matt Craven. Murray returned in Reitman’s STRIPES (1981) and GHOSTBUSTERS.

MEATBALLS PART 2 (space kid) (1984 US) D: KEN WIEDERHORN W: BRUCE SINGER/MARTIN KITROSSER/ CAROL WATSON P: TONY BISHOP/STEPHEN POE This MEATBALLS rip-off actually managed to get itself retitled before release and another series was born. Lucky us. John Mengatti stars as a juvenile delinquent sent by the courts to be a counsellor at Camp Sasquatch and ends up in a boxing tournament against a rival camp’s champ. Meanwhile an innocent girl wants to see her first penis, and some kids befriend an alien (Felix Silla in a cute monster suit). The alien (called Meathead) wears a yellow raincoat, can walk through walls and levitates objects (and smokes some pot). It’s all nonsense, but at least marginally more entertaining than the original. With Richard Mulligan, Paul Reubens, John Larroquette, Elayne Boosler, Misty Rowe, Hamilton Camp and Milton Ingley. There are brief scenes from Wiederhorn’s SHOCK WAVES. The next two MEATBALLS entries upped the nudity for an R rating.

MEAT CLEAVER MASSACRE See: HOLLYWOOD MEAT CLEAVER MASSACRE

THE MEATEATER See: PHANTOM OF THE THEATRE

MEAT FOR SATAN’S ICEBOX (2004 US) D/W: DAVID SILVIO W/P: DIANA SILVIO P: JACK O’DAY Great title. Not so great movie. A new teen in the town of Satan (who everyone thinks is gay) tries to make friends with a Catholic schoolgirl drug-addict, who has amnesia regarding the death of her mother at the hands of the town’s cannibals, and is also fucking her own dad. Satan’s Icebox is the name of the delicatessen/torture dungeon that supplies the flesh of young girls for consumption. Troma released this, so Lloyd Kaufman appears as a gynecologist with a urine fetish (“make it yellow”). Fairly accomplished for a very low-budget bad taste comedy, but I can’t say I enjoyed it much.

MEAT GRINDER (cheuuat gaawn chim) (2009 THAI) D: TIWA MOEITHAISONG W: SAMONGGU P: THAWATCHAI PHANPAKDEE/POJ ARNON Mai Charaenpura (apparently a famous singer in Thailand) stars as a severely traumatised and deeply disturbed woman who mutilates, prepares and then finally chops up people to make delicious noodle soup. Fragmented flashbacks (in a variety of jarring film types, including 8mm) reveal her backstory. There’s nothing that surprising or original about the story, but the grim, grimy, grisly atmosphere could be cut with a knife, and watching it unfold it satisfyingly horrendous and poetic. It’s about 10 mins too long and could be accused of style overkill, but I liked this pretentious art-gore movie a lot. Some stuff about student rioters might mean more to locals or those in the know (went over my head).

MEAT IS MEAT See: THE STRANGLER OF VIENNA

MECHAGODZILLA VS. GODZILLA See: TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA

THE MECHANIC (1972 US) D: MICHAEL WINNER W: LEWIS JOHN CARLINO P: ROBERT CHARTOFF/IRWIN WINKLER Charles Bronson is a professional hitman training young protégé Jan-Michael Vincent (after killing his mobster father Keenan Wynn) in this very 70s (cue car chase) action thriller with scenes shot in Naples. The long opening scene of Bronson preparing a hit is really engrossing, and unfortunately nothing else can match it. The cast includes Jill Ireland as a hooker (good, weird scene), Frank DeKova, Patrick Moore, Celeste Yarnall and Enzo Fiermonte. Winner’s second Brosnon movie after CHATO’S LAND. They made THE STONE KILLER (1973) together next. Carlino made THE SAILOR WHO FELL FROM GRACE WITH THE SEA (1976). THE MECHANIC was remade quite well with Jason Statham in 2010.

MECHANICAL VIOLATOR: HAKAIDER (hakaider; humanoid hakaider) (1995 JPN) D: KEITA AMAMIYA W: SHOTARO ISHINIMORI/YOSHINORI KITASE P: RYUTOKU WATANABE Treasure hunters in the future discover a man wrapped in chains in an underground chamber. They try to kill him, but he mutates into the title cyborg who fights for justice on a motorbike in the corrupt Jesustown. Mai Hojo leads a group of terrorists he hooks up with to fight other motorcycle-riding cyborgs. When people are killed, there’s lots of blood and feathers (!?). It’s a pretty awful mix of ROBOCOP, TERMINATOR, TETSUO and other better movies. With Yasuaki Honda and Masaya Kato.

THE MEDALLION (fei lung joi sang; fei long zai sheng) (2003 US HK) D/W: GORDON CHAN W: BENNETT JOSHUA DAVLIN/PAUL WHEELER/BEY LOGAN W/P: ALFRED CHEUNG Godawful Jackie Chan vehicle has him and Interpol agents Lee Evans (saddled with the most old-fashioned comic relief role in recent years, complete with “comical” soundtrack) and Claire Forlani after international smuggler Julian Sands in Dublin, Ireland. A kidnapped little boy and an ancient medallion results in Chan coming back from the dead as an invincible immortal with unclear (and badly defined) superpowers. Anthony Wong has little to do as Sands’ sidekick, but not as little as a wasted John Rhys-Davies. With Christy Chung, Lau Siu-Ming, Edison Chen and Nicholas Tse in cameos, producer Cheung and action choreography from Sammo Hung. Less-than-hilarious outtakes during the end credits reveal the original production title “Highbinders” on a clapperboard.

MEDIUM COOL (1969 US) D/W/P: HASKELL WEXLER P: JERROLD WEXLER/TULLY FRIEDMAN You may have seen Wexler’s excellent cinematography in films before, but his directorial debut (and his only nondocumentary feature as director to date) is a very impressive mix of reality and acting. The cast (including star Robert Forster, Peter Boyle, Marianna Hill and China Lee) are placed in the protests at the 1968 Democrat Convention in Chicago and act right in the middle of all the chaos. The result is one of the most dynamic portraits of its time (or any time) ever made. I’m surprised it didn’t inspire more copies, but the MPAA slapped it with an X just to make sure nobody saw this subversive classic. Andy Davis was an assistant cinematographer and Jonathan Haze (from Corman movies) was line producer. I neglected to mention the plot, but you should see for yourself.

THE MEDUSA TOUCH (la grande menace) (1978 UK FRA) D/P: JACK GOLD W: JOHN BRILEY P: ANNE V. COATES Richard Burton stars as a reclusive telekinetic who can curse people and cause death and disasters with his mind. Lino Ventura is a French policeman in London investigating an attempt on Burton’s life. This pretty exciting horror/disaster movie is based on a novel by Peter Van Greenaway and has a great ending. Lee Remick co-stars, with Derek Jacobi, Robert Flemyng, Harry Andrews, Jeremy Brett, Marie-Christine Barrault, Michael Horden, Gordon Jackson, Michael Byrne, Robert Lang and Norman Bird. Might make a good double bill with the same year’s (inferior) PATRICK.

MEET FRANKENSTEIN See: ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN

MEETING ON 69TH STREET (1969 US) D: KEMPER PEACOCK W: JOE BATES P: PAUL LEONARDI/ PHIL TODARO Three hookers open a cathouse on Staten Island. Three sailors turn up to party (as does another working girl). One guy can’t seem to get it up, another doesn’t seem to like anything and the other happy stud is looking forward to taking part in some much talked about “show” that everyone wants to ogle (“I haven’t put on a show like this in a coon’s age”), but as far as I recall we never get to see it. There’s a romantic ending. It’s extremely boring, 60 mins long and in b/w.

MEET THE APPLEGATES (the applegates) (1989 US) D/W: MICHAEL LEHMANN W: REDBEARD SIMMONS P: DENISE DI NOVI Here’s a great comedy from Lehmann, much better then his more celebrated (overrated) HEATHERS. Ed Begler Jr. and Stockard Channing are the mom and dad of a Brazilian cockroach family who have disguised themselves as humans in order to infiltrate the American suburbs. The bizarre, highly amusing results offer a broad satire of that very society. It’s pretty good sci-fi schlock, too. With Dabney Coleman, Glenn Shadix, Lee Garlington, Lisa Comshaw and great fun FX.

MEET THE FEEBLES (the feebles; just the feebles) (1989 NZ) D/W/P: PETER JACKSON W: DANNY MULHERON/ STEPHEN SINCLAIR/FRANCES WALSH P: JIM BOOTH Jackson’s second feature is an excellent bad taste version of The Muppet Show (possibly influenced by Gerard Damiano’s LET MY PUPPETS COME [1976]). The hero is a shy hedgehog who joins the twisted acting troupe that includes a walrus, a crab monster, a rabbit (with AIDS) and there’s also a snooping paparazzi fly (who eats shit). Not forgetting the pornographer rat (who figures in a great DEER HUNTER spoof). There’s plenty of sex, violence, gore and don’t forget it’s also a musical. Essential viewing. Jackson made BRAINDEAD next.

MEGAFORCE (1982 US HK) D/W: HAL NEEDHAM W/P: ALBERT S. RUDDY/ANDRE MORGAN W: JAMES WHITTAKER/BOB KACHLER No one would argue that this laughable futuristic action movie about a special military team with modified cars and bikes that fire rockets and stuff is not terrible. But it does inspire fondness from people who saw it when they were kids, and I can’t resist checking it out for half-an-hour when it pops up on tv. Barry Bostwick stars as Ace Hunter, with Peris Khambatta, Robert Fuller, Edward Mulhare, Henry Silva and Needham. A loveable retard of a film.

MEGAFORCE 2 See: THE DEVIL HUNTERS

MEGAFORCE 7.9 See: DEATHQUAKE

MEGA PIRANHA (2010 US) D/W: ERIC FORSBERG P: DAVID MICHAEL LATT Just when you thought they didn’t make any really bad movies anymore, this arrives to beat the 3D PIRANHA remake to (small) screens. Genetically engineered piranha released into the Orinoco river (actually shot in Belize) just keep on growing as they get more hostile and migrate. Eventually massive truck-sized (!) piranha are jumping from the sea, crashing into buildings (that explode) in Florida!! One eats a helicopter! Paul Logan (who would make a good Ferringo-like Incredible Hulk) stars as the tough martial arts-fighting US Secret Service Analyst chased by Venezuelan bad guy military types (who just don’t quit, even when a cover-up is way out of the question). Eighties pop sensation Tiffany co-stars as a scientist responsible (who’s never taken to task for doing such a stupid thing) and love interest (she is awful). Everything about this (story, direction, FX, acting, continuity) is illogical, bad and daft as a brush. Take note of the totally unnecessary dynamic titles and sped-up/ slowed-down shots constantly introducing locations and characters. On occasion I even suspected it might be an elaborate parody (director Forsberg also helmed NIGHT OF THE DEAD: LEBEN TOD, and wrote SNAKES ON A TRAIN, both offbeat and kind of good). Forsebrg appears briefly as an American ambassador, and started off his career as the kid makeup artist on 1979’s THE LATE GREAT PLANET EARTH (partly shot by his independent filmmaker father Rolf Forsberg). Regardless of intention, I recommend ingesting alcohol and/or drugs and settling down with a buddy for a laugh riot.

MEGASHARK VS. CROCOSAURUS (2010 US) D: CHRISTOPHER DOUGLAS-OLEN RAY W: NAOMI SELFMAN/MICHO RUTARE P: DAVID MICHAEL LATT Even if you’re misguided enough to love The Asylum’s thrown-together epics of poor CGI monsters, you’ll probably still find the follow up to MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS a mirthless bore. The shark is a Megalodon that can jump out of the sea to attack jets (and swallows a submarine), and the croc emerges from a diamond mine in “The Congo” (nice to see Bronson Canyon again! A fleeting joy however). They eventually meet to duke it out off the shore of Southern California. The humans are former British boxer Gary Stretch, Jaleel White and Robert Picardo as a sub commander. Disaster footage is lifted from MEGAFAULT (2009). The joke is getting old. The director is Fred Olen Ray’s son.

MEGASHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS (2009 US) D/W: “ACE HANNAH” (JACK PEREZ) P: DAVID MICHAEL LATT Eighties popstar Debbie Gibson is a marine biologist (!) who accidentally releases the titular beasts from a glacier in Alaska (they just swim out, millions of years of being frozen not an issue apparently). Her, Japanese scientist Vic Chao (who has a fling with Gibson) and some old geezer doing an Irish accent (sometimes it’s Scottish) want to capture them, but Lorenzo Lamas is the irresponsible military overkill grunt intent on their destruction. They fight each other to the death in the end. Between the acting, dialogue, unconvincing location work and piss-poor CGI, this is a pretty fun awful movie to down some beers to. But the highlight is undoubtedly when the shark somehow jumps high enough to grab a passenger plane in its teeth! I also liked the attempts at jazzing up the very dull science lab montage research scenes. The Asylum is a wellknown production house for churning out this crap for the sci-fi channel, but apparently (amazingly) this turd was released theatrically in some territories.

MEIJI, TAISHO AND SHOWA ERA: GROTESQUE CASES OF CRUELTY BY WOMEN See: LOVE AND CRIME

MELTDOWN See: HIGH RISK

MELVIN PURVIS G-MAN (1974 US) D/P: DAN CURTIS W; WILLIAM F. NOLAN/JOHN MILIUS A year after Milius’ excellent DILLINGER with Warren Oates, this tv movie from the creator of DARK SHADOWS turned up. Dale Roberts stars as the title cop tracking down the Machine Gun Kelly gang (who worry about Bonnie and Clyde “takin’ all the publicity”). It’s not as good as DILLINGER (which it imitates), but is ok with some funny parts. With Harris Yulin, Dick Sargent, Matt Clark, John Karlen, Steve Kanaly, Woodrow Parfrey and Eddie Quillan. THE KANSAS CITY MASSACRE (1975) followed.

MEMENTO (2000 US) D/W: CHRISTOPHER NOLAN P: SUZANNE and JENNIFER TODD Overrated by many, but still very well-done tale of a guy (Guy Pearce) who suffers from severe short-term memory loss. Tattoos on his body and notes about his person help him solve the rape and murder of his wife. Deliberately disorientating story is told with style and in an unconventional order. You’ll see. Keep in mind though that the script, if made linear, is fairly unremarkable, but the film does get away with it and is mostly engrossing. With Carrie Anne Moss, Joe Pantoliano, Mark Boone Jr., Stephen Tobolowsky, Jorja Fox and Callum Keith Rennie. Based on a story by Jonathan Nolan.

MEMENTO MORI (whispering corridors 2; yeogo goedam 2) (1999 S.KOR) D: TAE-YONG KIM/KYUDONG MIN This very well made and touching high school drama/romance with supernatural touches doesn’t really have anything to do with the original WHISPERING CORRIDORS. The excellent mostly teen cast includes Min-Sun Kim, Yeh-Jin Park, Young-Jin Lie and Hyo-Jin Kong. Be prepared for the let-down ending where nothing happens, though. There were also parts three and four.

MEMOIRS OF AN INVISIBLE MAN (les aventures d’un homme invisible) (1991 US FRA) D: JOHN CARPENTER W: ROBERT COLLECTOR/DAN OLSEN/WILLIAM GOLDMAN P: BRUCE BODNER/DAN KOLSRUD After an explosion at a research laboratory Chevy Chase (who narrates) becomes invisible (the ILM FX come into their own when sections of the building disappear as well). Sam Neill is a CIA agent out to catch the runaway Chase and Daryl Hannah is his girlfriend. This expensive flop is not very funny or exciting. With Michael McKean, Stephen Tobolowsky, Sam Anderson, Aaron Lustig and Carpenter. It’s based on a book by H.F. Saint.

MEMORIAL DAY (the deep hazard) (1998 US) D: WORTH KEETER W: STEVE LATSHAW P: ASHOK AMRITRAJ/ ANDREW STEVENS A secret government agency fabricates a terrorist threat called Red Five using a laser satellite that blows up things like space shuttles and submarines. The aim is for more money to be pumped into military intelligence! Half-assed but intriguing and very believable premise is unfortunately turned into a typical, cheap, knucklehead Royal Oaks Entertainment project. Jeff Speakman stars as a brainwashed Shakespeare-quoting assassin turned hero. Stephanie Niznik is a news anchorwoman and Bruce Weitz is the main face behind the whole thing. With Joe Estevez. Check out the very unconvincing (repeated) behind-the-chair angle that tries to convince you that Weitz is in the same room as another character. Their scenes were obviously filmed at a different time, and when the other guy speaks (dubbed), his lips don’t move! Hilarious!

MEMORIES (1995 JPN ANIMATED) D: KOJI MORIMOTO/ TENSAI OKAMURA D/W: KATSUHIRO OTOMO W: SATOSHI KON “Katsuhiro Otomo Presents” this highly recommended anime anthology. Magnetic Rose by Morimoto is a sci-fi tale. The crew of a space salvage ship answer an SOS call from a space graveyard. Okamura’s Stink Bomb is the best entry. A pharmaceutical scientist accidentally ingests an experimental new drug. The results are unexpected and incredible. A real gem this one. Cannon Fodder is Otomo’s attempt at European-style animation woven into a political fable set in a city somewhere in a parallel history. Otomo is most famous for AKIRA.

MEMORIES OF MURDER (salinui chueok) (2003 S.KOR) D/W: BONG JOON-HO W: SHIM SUNG BO/ KWANG RIM KIM P: CHA SEUNG-JAE/NOH JONGYUN In 1986, the bodies of raped and strangled dead women are being found in a small country town. Jo Yong Yu is the Seoul city cop drafted in to help the corrupt local cops (including Kang-ho Song) who don’t have a clue. I liked this police procedural thriller all the way through to what I thought was a cop-out ending. I then discovered that it is in fact based on the true story of South Korea’s first serial killer. From what I gather all the details are extremely accurate. From the talented writer/director of BARKING DOGS NEVER BITE.

MENACE II SOCIETY (1993 US) D/W: ALLEN and ALBERT HUGHES W: TYGER WILLIAMS P: DARIN SCOT Extremely well-done debut from 21-yearold twin brothers (who had already done some rap music videos) is set in Watts and follows Tyrin Turner as a gang member trying to escape a life of drugs, car-jackers and drive-by shootings. Hard hitting and gritty, yet realistic and believable and thankfully lacking any condescending “message” pointers. With Laranz Tate, Jada Pinkett, Charles S. Dutton, Bill Duke, Arnold Johnson (PUTNEY SWOPE), Glenn Plummer, James Pickens Jr., Clifton Powell, Todd Anthony Shaw (aka Too Short), Clifton Collins Jr., Yo-Yo and Samuel L. Jackson in a small but important role. The Hughes Bros followe with DEAD PRESIDENTS.

MEN FROM THE MONASTERY (disciples of death; dragon’s teeth; siu lam ji dai; shao lin zi di) (1974 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG Follow-up to HEROES TWO stars Alexander Fu Sheng (as Fong Sai Yuk), Chi Kuan Chun (in a role he repeated for SHAOLIN AVENGERS) and Chen Kuan Tai (THE IRON MONKEY) as Shaolin disciples who fight against evil Manchus and gangsters in this episodic kung fu film; it had credits popping up at various intervals (at least the print I saw did) leading me to believe it may have been edited from a tv miniseries. With Kong Do, Lo Dik, Fung Hak On and Shih Szu. It’s got solid fight choreography fom Liu Chia Liang and Tang Chia, but all talent involved went on to create better, less-dated work, leaving MEN FROM THE MONASTERY for completists only.

THE MEN IN BLACK (1997 US) D: BARRY SONNENFIELD W: ED SOLOMON P: WALTER F. PARKES/ LAURIE MacDONALD Will Smith is a New York cop enlisted into a top secret organisation (known as MIB) that monitor (mostly peaceful) alien activity on Earth (mainly in Manhattan for some reason). Tommy Lee Jones is his partner in this fun action comedy sci-fi that has great alien FX from Rick Baker. A giant killer cockroach monster is disguised as Vincent D’Onofrio. With Linda Fiorentino, Rip Torn, Tony Shalhoub, Jonathan Gries, Siobhan Fallon, Carel Struycken, Sean Whalen, David Cross and Verne Troyer. Steven Spielberg was executive producer of this major hit based on Marvel comic books by Lowell Cunningham.

MEN IN BLACK 2 (2002 US) D: BARRY SONNENFELD W: ROBERT GORDON/BARRY FANARO P: LAURIE MacDONALD/WALTER F. PARKES Wil Smith and Tommy Lee Jones return in this sequel to the megahit sci-fi comedy. Also returning is Rip Torn as their boss. This time Lara Flynn Boyle is an evil alien looking for “the light” on Earth (NYC). It’s not bad and will probably keep most audiences entertained, but does suffer from (unconvincing) FX overkill and some silliness. Frank the cute bulldog has a lot of screen time. With Rosario Dawson, Tony Shalhoub, Johnny Knoxville (from JACKASS), Patrick Warburton, Jack Kehler, David Cross, Peter Spellos, Michael Bailey Smith, Martha Stewart, Michael Jackson, Martin Klebba, Doug Jones, Michael Beardsley, Sonnenfeld and Rick Baker makeup. Peter Graves is credited as himself, but unless he’s had major surgery, that did not look anything like him. Steven Spielberg was the executive producer. There was a part 3.

MEN IN SPIDER 2 See: THE SPECIALS

THE MEN WHO TREAD ON THE TIGER’S TAIL (tora no wo fumu otokotachi) (1945 JPN) D/W: AKIRA KUROSAWA P: MOTOHIKO ITO Six loyal Samurai (led by Denjiro Okochi) disguised as travelling priests escort the shogun’s brother (Kabuki actor Hanshiro Iwai) through enemy territory. We have great empathy for a somewhat comical, short, put-upon porter (Kenichi Enomoto, who’s excellent) who accidentally joins their ranks. Immensely enjoyable 12th century thriller based on a Kabuki play, which in turn was based on a Noh play (and historical folklore). Only 60 (b/w) mins. Kurosawa (with his third feature) was already making the direction of a great film look easy (he returned to hit material with ZOKU SUGATA SANHIRO the same year). With Susumu Fujita, Takashi Shimura, Masayuki Mori, Aitake Kono, Yoshio Kosugi and Soji Kiyokawa. The occupying GHQ forbade anything glorifying Feudal Era Japan, so this remained unreleased until 1952.

THE MERCENARIES See: CUBA CROSSING

THE MERCENARY (a professional gun; revenge of a gunfighter; il mercenario; salario para matar) (1968 ITL SPN) D/W: SERGIO CORBUCCI W: ADRIANO BOLZONI/SERGIO SPINA/LUCIANO VINCENZONI/ GIORGIO ARLORIO/FRANCO SOLINAS P: ALBERTO GRIMALDI Franco Nero is a Polish quick-draw mercenary who’s hired to escort some silver from a mine in Mexico to the US during the Mexican Revolution, but revolutionary wannabe Paco (Tony Musante, whose teeth are too white) has just overthrown the place with his men, and the silver is trapped under some rubble. Instead Nero manipulates Musante by leading his revolution, but pocketing a daily wage and a percentage of the spoils. Jack Palance is another sadistic merc called Curly (who bares his ass) on their trail for the government. With Giovanna Ralli, Eduardo Fajardo, Lorenzo Robledo, Franco Ressel, Tito Garcia, Angel Alvarez, Julio Pena, Juan Cazalilla, Bruno Corazzari, Alvaro De Luna, José Risego and Raf Baldassare. This western has some interesting elements, memorable scenes (including Musante as a rodeo clown) and everything about the production is first-class (including Ennio Morricone and Bruno Nicolai’s score), but it’s somewhat plodding, and never really hits its stride. Not among Corbucci’s finest. He retooled it as COMPANEROS.

MERCURY RISING (1998 US) D: HAROLD BECKER W: LAWRENCE KONNER/MARK ROSENTHAL P: BRIAN GRAZER/KAREN KEHELA Miko Hughes is a nine-year-old autistic boy who cracks a code in a puzzle book. The code uncovers the whereabouts of secret government agents. Alec Baldwin is the bad guy who orders him dead. Bruce Willis is an FBI agent trying to protect the kid. With Chi McBride, Kim Dickens, John Carroll Lynch, Peter Stormare, Bodhi Elfman, Kevin Conway, Richard Riehle, Camryn Manheim and Michael Chieffo. Uneventful adaption of Ryne Douglas Pearson’s novel Simple Simon.

MERIDIAN (kiss of the beast; phantoms; beast kiss) (1990 US) D/W/P: CHARLES BAND W: DENNIS PAOLI P: DEBRA DION Sherilyn Fenn is a sculptor who inherits a big, old ancestral mansion in rural Italy. Her best friend and art restorer comes to stay with her and they invite the performers of a travelling carnival to dine with them. But the girls are drugged and raped by good and evil twins. The good twin falls in love with Fenn, but he transforms into a hairy monster. Meanwhile her friend discovers that a painting she’s working on is somehow linked to Fenn’s ancestors, whom the same thing happened to years earlier. I could watch Fenn (who has topless scenes) all day, but this semi-remake/homage of CASTLE OF THE LIVING DEAD doesn’t make much sense. With Vernon Dobtcheff and Phil Fondacaro. Ted Nicolaou was editor.

MERLIN’S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS (1996 US) D/W/P: KENNETH J. BERTON Old Ernest Borgnine tells his grandson a couple of stories about a shop run by the magician Merlin and his wife. The second one has a laughable cursed toy chimp (footage from Berton’s earlier 1984 movie THE DEVIL’S GIFT). It’s been ridiculed on MST3K.

MERMAID CHRONICLES PART 1 See: SHE CREATURE (2001)

MERRILL’S MARAUDERS (1962 US) D/W: SAMUEL FULLER W/P: MILTON SPERLING W: CHARLTON OGBURN JR. Jeff Chandler is Merrill, an infantry leader who drags already ill and exhausted men through the jungles of Burma to prevent the German and Japanese armies from joining arms in this fact-based WWII movie. With Peter Brown, Andrew Duggan, Claude Akins, John Hoyt and Chuck Roberson. Fuller made this decent, solid war movie in the Philippines between UNDERWORLD USA and SHOCK CORRIDOR. They’re all worth seeing.

MESA OF LOST WOMEN (attack of the spider women) (1952 US) D: RON ORMOND D/W: HERBERT TEVOS W: ORVILLE H. HAMPTON (uncredited) P: MELVIN GORDON/WILLIAM PERKINS This sometimes catatonic yet irresistible 69 mins b/w cut’n’paste job is Tevos footage rescued by Ormond. Lyle Talbot narrates a flashback by Allan Nixon (survivor of a plane crash) found wandering in the Mexican “desert of death”. Jackie Coogan is a mad doctor creating tarantula women in a cave laboratory on the titular mountaintop. Exotic-looking beauty Tandra Quinn is the main creature, who does a weird dance in a bar. Monster tarantulas are very briefly glimpsed. Harmon Stevens stares a lot as an escaped mental patient with a gun. With Mona McKinnon, George Barrows (the ROBOT MONSTER), Richard Travis, Angelo Rossitto, future screenwriter Dean Riesner, Dolores Fuller and Katherine Victor (from Jerry Warren movies). You may recognise the annoying/wonderful flamenco guitar and piano music that was reused for Ed Wood’s JAILBAIT (it’s by Hoyt S. Curtin). “Bad” movie fans should be more aware of this. Talbot’s narration is almost Ed Woodian. Howco released it. Ormond hated it, and it’s true that it doesn’t quite fit his oeuvre. Compare it to his next feature, UNTAMED MISTRESS (1956).

THE MESSENGER See: JOAN OF ARC

MESSENGER OF DEATH (1988 US) D: J. LEE THOMPSON W: PAUL JARRICO P: PANCHO KOHNER Denver Post journalist Charles Bronson investigates the massacre of a Mormon family where the sketch of an avenging angel was left as a calling card. Jeff Corey and John Ireland are rival Mormon community leaders who hate each other, but the murders are actually part of a conspiracy involving the water company. I wouldn’t have given the ending away if it were any good, but this is a very poor Bronson vehicle. Based on Rex Burns’ novel The Avenging Angel, it has a very rushed-seeming, abrupt climax. With William Phipps and (Eu)Gene Davis (from 10 TO MIDNIGHT [1983]).

THE MESSIAH FROM THE FUTURE (target: campus; nerawa reta gakuen) (1997 JPN) D/W: ATSUSHI SHIMIZU W: SHIMAKO SATO Probably due to the success of the WIZARD OF DARKNESS films, this remake of a 1981 movie called TARGET: CAMPUS (itself based on a novel by Taku Mayamura) was made. As far as I can tell it’s the same story as the 81 movie, except for some new plot devices stolen from THE TERMINATOR. Kazumi Marata is the new evil school president. Hinako Saeki is a good pyschic girl and Shuji Kashawabara is the hero. It’s not too interesting as sci-fi or teen drama.

MESSIAH OF EVIL (dead people; return of the living dead; revenge of the screaming dead; the second coming) (1975 US) D/W/P: WILLARD HYUCK/GLORIA KATZ Here’s an early pretentious low-budget horror movie from the future makers of HOWARD THE DUCK. The story about a young woman arriving at a remote community called Point Dune and encountering eccentric, evasive characters and eventually flesh-eating zombies makes little sense. The direction goes out of its way to be obscure and different but just results in some fine performances being wasted. Elisha Cook Jr. and Royal Dano to be exact. With Marianna Hill, a young Walter Hill and Bill L. Norton (GARGOYLES, CISCO PIKE).

METTALICA See: STAR ODYSSEY

METAL SCORPION See: THE SCORPIO FACTOR

METAMORPHOSIS (1986) See: EVIL SPAWN

METAMORPHOSIS (regenerator; DNA formula letale) (1989 ITL) D/W: “GEORGE EASTMAN” (LUIGI MONTEFIORE) P: DONATELLA DONATI A university professor/scientist injects himself (in the eye) with some kind of DNA formula. He ages by decades and mutates into a Jekyll and Hyde monster in this boring FLY remake rip-off. Laura Gemser appears as a prostitute who has her face smashed in, and also provided costumes. The director is usually an actor most famous to horror fans for being ANTHROPOPHAGUS THE BEAST. It’s set in America and is in English-language. The only “good” part was when professor/scientist completely transforms into a dinosaur in the laughable ending.

METAMORPHOSIS: THE ALIEN FACTOR (deadly spawn 2) (1990 US) D/W: GLENN TAKAKIJAN W/P: TED A. BOHUS P: SCOTT MORETTE A scientist researching mutants is bitten by one and transforms into a big, slimy monster that shoots out little pods with teeth. Most of this bigger-budgeted follow up to RETURN OF THE ALIENS: THE DEADLY SPAWN takes place at a top secret research facility. Some of the FX (including stop-motion) are good fun. Trouble is it takes a while to get going, and lacks the charm of the original. I liked the surprise ending though (even if it does copy the first movie).

METEOR (1979 US) D: RONALD NEAME W: EDMUND H. NORTH/STANLEY MANN P: ARNOLD H. ORGOLINI/THEODORE R. PARVIN/RUN RUN SHAW This big-budget disaster movie flop helped sink AIP around the same time that Irwin Allen was floundering with the likes of BEYOND THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE. Despite some retro-critics claiming that films of its ilk and era are fascinating for their all-star casts, they’re still not much fun to sit through. This one has Sean Connery, Natalie Wood, Karl Malden, Martin Landau, Henry Fonda as the president, Brian Keith, Trevor Howard, Bibi Besch, Joseph Campanella, George Gayne, Clyde Kusatsu, Neame, Mann and Sybil Danning.

METHOD MAN (fearless young boxer; avenging boxing; siu ji meng daai; xiao zi ming da) (1979 HK) D: WONG KWO CHU P: JIMMY SHAW Peter Cheung wants to avenge the death of his dad (Lung Fei) at the hands of assassin Casanova Wong. The forgettable plot also involves something that the bad guys want from Cheung. In fact most of this is forgettable until the superb extended final fight sequence in a barn that’s a must-see for kung fu fans. With Chan Wai Lau, Lee Kwan, Ma Chin Ku, Wong Wing Sang, Su Chen Ping and Yuen Sam. The director also choreographed the action.

METRO (negotiator) (1997 US) D: THOMAS CARTER W: RANDY FELDMAN P: ROGER BIRNBAUM Eddie Murphy is a San Francisco police negotiator and Michael Wincott is the evil bank robber who’s less than pleased with him when he ends up in prison. A runaway tram scene is the highlight of this not bad action thriller. With Michael Rapaport, Donal Logue, Paul Ben-Victor and a ridiculous extended reflection in a mirror false scare scene. THE NEGOTIATOR was a later, higher profile police negotiator movie. Carter wrote HELL NIGHT.

METROPOLIS (1926 GER) D/W: FRITZ LANG W: THEA VON HARBOU P: ERICH POMMER In a future city of extraordinary modernist architecture, slave workers dwell in an underground city between punishing shifts at colossal machines that run everything, while above-ground the privileged classes party at the Yoshiwara nightclub. Alfred Abel is the son of cold-hearted city father and overseer Gustav Frohlich, and after being smitten by a woman from the lower-classes (Brigitte Helm), follows her and sees for the first time how the other half live. He swaps his identity with worker 11811 (Erwin Biswamer), works at the machines, and goes to secret meetings in the city catacombs given by Helm about a possible second coming (an incredible segment on the Tower of Babel story). Meanwhile inventor Rotwang (who has one metal hand and is played by Rudolf Klein-Rosse) has created a “machine man” (very cool design), and somehow casts it in Helm’s image, to provoke rivalry between patrons of the Yoshiwara club (a montage of lust-crazed men fighting over her as she dances is amazing). She also leads the gullible, easily-led lower-classes in a senseless revolt that endangers the city (as if being THE influential sci-fi classic was not enough, these scenes are proto-disaster movie). Two years in the making (it was released January 1, 1927), this monumental production and absolute must-see b/w silent semi-expressionist landmark is more remarkable to watch the older it gets, its influence echoing through the decades, but still seeming fresh and innovative. Based on Von Habour’s novel, who was married to Lang at the time (she was previously married to Klein-Rosse). They went on to collaborate on SPIES (1928), WOMAN IN THE MOON (1929), M, THE TESTAMENT OF DR. MABUSE (1932), before he (a Jew) fled Hitler’s Germany (she was a member of the Nazi party). Karl Freund, Gunther Rittau and Walter Rutlmann were the cinematographers, the FX were by Ernst Kunstmann, while Edgar G. Ulmer apparently worked as a set designer. With Fritz Rasp, Theodor Los, Heinrich George, Fritz Alberti, Georg John, Arthur Reinhardt, and over 37, 000 (!) extras (including Curt Siodmak). It originally ran three-and-a-half hours (at 18 fps). The longest print currently available runs about 150 mins (thought to be missing about five mins of footage), and includes damaged 16mm footage from a battered source found in Buenos Aries in 2008. You might also be interested to see the 1984 Girogio Morodercurated cut (at 84 mins), complete with colour tinting (which Lang had apparently originally conceived) and a disco soundtrack. Essential.

METROPOLIS (2001 JPN ANIMATED) D: RINTARO W: KATSUHIRO OTOMO P: MASAO MARUYAMA/ IWAO YAMAKI Apparently Osamu Tezuka (the manga godfather behind Astro Boy) saw the poster and heard the basic outline of Fritz Lang’s sci-fi masterpiece of the same name, which inspired him to write his manga in 1949. This incredible, innovatively retro-animated modern classic is not only a great film in its own right, but really demonstrates how ahead of their time Tezuka’s ideas were. Set in a gigantic future city divided into subsections, it’s a sprawling detective (and love) story of human and robot relations that will invigorate you, and break your heart. It also features one of the finest uses of a Ray Charles song imaginable (the rest of the jazz-inspired fusion score is great, too). Go Nagai provides a “guest voice”. Simply unmissable.

METROPOLIS 2000 See: WARRIORS OF THE WASTELAND

THE METROPOLITAN POLICE BRANCH 82: REBIRTH (82 wani bunsho: rebirth) (1996 JPN) D: MASAHIDE KUAHARA W: TORU SHINOHARA Two female cops who shed their clothes fight villains who use mind control torture. With catfights and an annoying dance soundtrack that goes “yeeeah”. Very boring. Kumiko Hara stars. There are several other entries with the same title but different girls.

MIAMI BLUES (1989 US) D/W: GEORGE ARMITAGE P: JONATHAN DEMME/GARY GOETZMAN Armitage returned to directing features after 13 years (discounting the 1979 tv movie HOT ROD) with this excellent adaptation of Charles Willeford’s fine novel. Alec Baldwin is surprisingly good as a a sociopathic ex-con and pathological thief called Junior (occasionally reminding me of Lawrence Tierney’s DILLINGER) who immediately starts a crime spree when he flies into Miami (by breaking a Hare Krishna’s finger at the airport). Jennifer Jason Leigh is brilliant as the childish hooker (a part almost played by Suzanne Vega) he hooks up with and Fred Ward (an executive producer) is great as Hoke Moseley, the slob cop on his trail (the protagonist in the book, he’s much less so, and much less amiable here). With Charles Napier, Shirley Stoler, Martine Beswick, Obba Babatunde, Nora Dunn, Buddy Joe Hooker and Paul Gleason. It was shot by Tak Fujimoto, and has Norman Greenbaum’s Spirit In The Sky for a theme tune. Willeford’s projected sequel called Grimhaven was rejected by his publisher for being too dark (the same fate befell his brilliant mid-70s novel The Shark-Infested Custard, which was eventually released in the 90s), but parts were recycled in the further entries in the Hoke Moseley series, New Hope For The Dead (1985), Sideswipe (1987) and The Way We Die Now (1988). Like anything by Willeford, they are all recommended reads. Willeford died prior to the film’s release in 88; MIAMI BLUES is dedicated to him (and look for the framed photograph of him on Moseley’s desk). The cinema was good to Willeford, this coming between two other great adaptations, COCKFIGHTER and THE WOMAN CHASER.

MIAMI GOLEM (miami horror; cosmos killer) (1985 ITL) D: “MARTIN HERBERT” (ALBERTO DeMARTINO) W: RITA HERBERT/FRANK CLARK P: GEROGE SALVIONI This is a mostly dull, occasionally amusingly bad, senseless mess filmed in Florida by Italian hacks. I think the screwy plot has something to do with tv reporter David Warbeck informed by his alien double that he must destroy a “Golem”, which turns out to be a mutant baby in a water tank. He has a psychic assistant. Your guess is as good as mine. With John Ireland and Sergio Stivaletti FX. [Illus.]

MIAMI HORROR See: MIAMI GOLEM

MIAMI HUSTLE See: HELLO, SHE LIED

MIAMI SUPERCOP See: SUPERSNOOPER

MICHAEL ANGEL (the apostate; gold cross) (1998 US) D/W: WILLIAM GOVE P: SHIMON ARAMA/IGOR BARKAGAN/DON SCHNEIDER Conflicted priest and artist Richard Grieco helps police track a serial killer (an intense Dennis Hopper) who killed both his homosexual streetwalker brother and ex-girlfriend. The killer also uses the victims’ blood to create abstract art on crime scene walls (in one laughable scene Grieco attempts to emote while reading the message in his work). This pathetic attempt at a dark SE7EN-style thriller throws in a perverted Monsignor (Michael Cole) and a very ill-fitting ambiguous sick joke ending. With Frank Medrano.

MICHAEL JACKSON’S MOONWALKER See: MOONWALKER

MICKEY ONE (1965 US) D/P: ARTHUR PENN W: ALAN M. SURGAL Warren Beatty is excellent as the title character, a hyperparanoid stand-up comedian who’s run away from mobsters who want to kill him in Detroit and is too scared of what the limelight might bring in Chicago. A lousy plot synopsis on paper can’t really do justice to this unacknowledged classic of experimental Hollywood in beautiful b/w. With Alexandra Stewart, Hurd Hatfield, Franchot Tone, Jeff Corey, Donna Michelle and Kamatari Fujiwara as a mysterious, cheerful performance artist always around. IMDb has one Michael Fish who plays “Italian restauranteur” down as the same Michael Fish that used to be a UK weatherman, but they don’t like alike to me. Also look for Jeffrey Allen (from H.G. Lewis movies) as a drunk near the beginning. John G. Avildsen was the executive producer. Beatty returned in Penn’s BONNIE AND CLYDE.

MICRO COP See: DOLLMAN

MICROSCOPIA See: FANTASTIC VOYAGE

MICROWAVE MASSACRE (1979 US) D: WAYNE BERWICK W/P: THOMAS SINGER/CRAIG MUCKLEY This annoying “comedy” stars Jackie Vernon as a construction worker who kills his wife when she insists on making elaborate cuisine for him when all he wants is a cheese and baloney sandwich. He keeps parts of her in the refrigerator and lets his co-workers taste his new sandwiches Dahmer-style. Once he has a taste he kills others. The only good part is a brief sequence featuring a naked woman in a giant sandwich. With John Harmon. The director is the son of the guy who made THE MONSTER OF PIEDRAS BLANCAS and others.

MIDNIGHT (1980 US) D/W: JOHN A. RUSSO P: DONALD REDINGER Melanie Verlin is a Catholic teenager who runs away from home (and abusive cop stepfather Lawrenece Tierney). She’s captured by backwoods Satanists involved with the local redneck police force. With John Amplas and Tom Savini FX. Nothing too special, but above average for its type. It’s based on a novel by Russo, who, of course, wrote the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD for George Romero. Sam Sherman was executive producer. A sequel of sorts followed 13 years later.

MIDNIGHT COP See: SPYDER

MIDNIGHT CROSS See: BLOW OUT

MIDNIGHT DRAGON (1995 US) D/W/P: YOUFONSO MARTINDALE Some black guy with a horrendous permed mullet and moustache combo trains martial arts under some white guy in traditional Chinese kung fu garb so he can avenge something or other in this God-awful zero-budget shot-on-video bore with atrocious acting, editing and sound.

MIDNIGHT EXPRESS (1978 UK US) D: ALAN PARKER W: OLIVER STONE P: ALAN MARSHALL/ DAVID PUTTNAM Between his horrors SEIZURE and THE HAND, Stone won an Oscar for his script for this very good prison drama/real-life horror story. It benefits from the fact that Parker directed instead of Stone. Brad Davis is an American student who’s arrested and put in a scary jail in Istanbul, Turkey for smuggling drugs. Paul Smith has one of his great non-cartoonish roles as a rapist guard. With Randy Quaid, John Hurt, Bo Hopkins, Paolo Bonacelli, Norbert Weisser, Franco Diogene, Giga Ballista, Michael Ensign, Peter Jeffrey and Zannino. Based on a book by William Hayes and William Hoffer. Stone also wrote the SCARFACE (1983) remake.

MIDNIGHT MAN (blood for blood) (1994 US) D: JOHN WEIDNER W: J.B. LAWRENCE/MOSHE DIAMANT P: ALAN AMIEL Yet another waste-of-space Lorenzo Lamas vehicle (with a senseless title). He’s a youth centre cop who teaches martial arts and has a happy family. He’s dragged into a case involving Cambodian gangsters because he can speak the language. James Lew is a villain and Mako is around long enough to show Lama he’s a warrior who can sword fight. With James Shigeta, Bill Bolender, Ilia Volokh, lots of Lamas high kicks, ridiculous shoot-outs and Bolo in a clip from some movie showing in a club.

MIDNIGHT RIDE (1990 US) D/W: BOB BRALVER W: RUSSEL V. MANZATT P: OVIDIO G. ASSONITIS Cop Michael Dudikoff’s Russian wife runs away from him. She picks up a psychotic hitchhiker (an annoying, manic, wisecracking Mark Hamill) with a Polaroid camera who holds her hostage while he murders others that they pick-up. There’s some car crash explosions and a woman has her glass eye removed with a knife in this boring action thriller, Dudikoff’s pretty useless role has him chasing after them very slowly. With Robert Mitchum and Bralver.

MIDNIGHT SHADOW (1939 US) D/P: GEORGE RANDOL Alfred N. Sack and his Texas-based Sack Amusements released several pioneering allblack cast features in the 30s and 40s. Most were lost, forgotten and/or ignored until more recent archival restorations. An opening screen scroll informs us of the Southern separatist black communities, one of which this story takes place in. And it is a rare, surprising but perfectly legitimate vintage cinematic world for the modern viewer, these affluent, middleclass characters never once bring up the colour of anyone’s skin. A so-called prince and mesmerist (The Grreat Alihabad) tries to court and run away with the daughter of an elderly couple (Frances Redd, sister of mesmerist/musician Kolra Pandit, is quite beautiful but an awful actress in her only feature). When he’s rebuffed, a mysterious figure creeps into the family house, injects mom and dad with a sleeping drug and steals the deed to a valuable family property (with oil) from their bedroom. But the old man has a heart condition and dies. Redd’s other boyfriend wannabe and Alihabad (who’s skipped town) are the main suspects. A couple of dumb detectives (one has a Sherlock Holmes deerstalker, pipe and magnifying glass) provide (not really very funny) comic relief while following up clues. This 50 mins or so b/w comedy mystery is really slow-moving (almost lethargic), with time-outs for oddly paced comedy skits with no sense of timing, and I still don’t understand who did it! But somehow I really enjoyed this immensely relaxing time-waster, and would have appreciated a joint to go with it. Ruby (mother of Dorothy) Dandridge is in the cast. Randol also directed RHYTHM RODEO (1938).

MIGHTY JACK (1968 JPN) D: KAZUO SAGAWA or KAZUKO MITSOTI or both? MIGHTY JACK was a Japanese tv series starring Hideaki Natani as some kind of spy with a super submarine (Eiji Tsubaraya’s team provided FX and miniatures). Sandy Frank productions did their usual hack job with a Englishdubbed “feature” cobbled together from a couple of episodes. The very boring results have been on MST3K. With Kenji Sahara, Akira Yamaguchi and Eisei Amamoto.

MIGHTY JOE YOUNG (1949 US) D: ERNEST B. SCHOEDSACK W: RUTH ROSE W/P: MERIAN C. COOPER The makers of KING KONG and THE SON OF KONG returned with this fondly remembered revision which is no KONG, but is very enjoyable. Giant ape Young escapes from a nightclub act in Hollywood and runs amok in the countryside. Terry Moore is his beautiful piano-playing sidekick who has to talk the sympathetic, hounded, lovesick monkey down from his scared, destructive rage. Willis O’Brien and the soon-to-befamous Ray Harryhausen were responsible for the great stop-motion animation. With Robert Armstrong, Ben Johnson, Frank McHugh, Regis Toomey, Nestor Paiva, Primo Carnera, Doulas Fowley, Paul Guilfoyle, James Flavin, Iris Adrien, Mary Gordon, Cliff Calrk, Joyce Compton, Frank Conroy, Ellen Corby, James Craven, Joe Devlin, Bess Flowers, Mary Field, Edward Gargen, Selmer Jackson, Henry Kulky, Charles Lane, Richard Lane, Kermit Maynard, William Newell, Gerry Owen, Jack Pennick, Addison Richards, Irene Ryan, William Schallert, Harry Seymour, Charles Sherlock, Harry Strang, Archie Twitchel, Dale Van Sickel, Ray Walker, Billy Wayne, Norman Willis, and “The Swedish Angel” Bomber Kulkavitch. In b/w with tinted sequences (originally anyhow). Remade in 1998.

THE MIGHTY PEKING MAN See: GOLIATHON

MIGHTY THOR (2011) See: THOR

MIKADROID (robokill beneath disco club layla) (1991 JPN) D/W: SATOO HARAGUCHI W: JUNKI TAKEGAMI P: HARUO SAI/KAZUMASA SHIMOIZIKA/ KENJI NAGAII A slow-moving clunky robot with a machine-gun and samurai sword stalks and kills people in a parking lot beneath a discotechque. It’s a reactivated cyborg soldier prototype from WWII. Laughable attempts at artiness punctuate the boredom of this awful movie from Toho. With Yoriko Doguchi, Yuki Yoshida, Kenji Haiamizu, Mokoto Tezuka, Kaiizo Haiashi, Sandaioo Dakumushi, Reo Morimoto, Takuya Suda, director Kiyoshi Kurosawa and Masato Ibuze.

MIKEY AND NICKY (1976 US) D/W: ELAINE MAY P: MICHAEL HAUSMAN One of the great unseen films of the 70s should be finding a deserved audience right about now on dvd. John Cassavetes is a petty city hoodlum (I thought it was supposed to be New York, but was shot in Philadelphia, not that it matters) holed up in a shithole hotel room while there’s a contract out on him. He calls his only friend, a pushed-around lackey childhood buddy in the form of Peter Falk (in his prime, standing out even among the uniformly excellent ensemble cast). Falk has obviously half-heartedly set him up for a hit, but incompetent hitman Ned Beatty and Cassavetes’ restless, suspicious and unpredictable behaviour keep ’em up all night. Authentic, funny and bursting with energy and vitality, it’s a cult classic waiting to happen. With William Hickey, M. Emmet Walsh and Joyce Van Patten. May’s next (and last to date) was a very different buddy movie, the flop ISHTAR! (1987).

MILITIA (breakthrough) (2000 US) D: “JAY ANDREWS” (JIM WYNORSKI) W: STEVE LATSHAW/WILLIAM CARSON P: PAUL HERTZBERG More dull, pathetic “action” as Wynorski continues in his mission to clog up as many hours of cable tv as possible. Dean Cain is an FBI agent working with the ATF trying to infiltrate dangerous “patriotic” American survivalists. WACO is mentioned a lot. With Jennifer Beals, Frederic Forrest, Stacy Keach, John Beck, Brett Butler, James C. Victor, Michael Cavanaugh, Billy Rieck, Jeff Kober and footage from RAMBO, TERMINATOR 2, DELTA FORCE 2 and AMERICAN NINJA 2!!

MILLENIUM (1989 US) D: MICHAEL ANDERSON W: JOHN VARLEY P: DOUGLAS LEITERMAN Kris Kristofferson investigates an incident in which a plane exploded in mid-air and discovers that all the passengers were snatched into the future prior to the accident. Cheryl Ladd is the woman from the future he falls in love with. Interesting sci-fi premise (based on Varley’s short story Air Raid) has RASHOMON style same-events-from-differentperspective scenes, and gets progressively sillier and less convincing as it goes along. With Daniel J. Travanti, Lloyd Bochner, Al Waxman, Maury Chaykin, Lawrence Dane, Philip Akin, Eugege Clark, Michael J. Reynolds, Bill MacDonald, Timothy Webber, Gerry Quigley, Scott Thompson and Richard Fitzpatrick.

MILLENIUM (2009 SWE GER NOR DEN) D: DANIEL ALFREDSON/NIELS ARDEN OPLEV W: NIKOLAJ ARCEL/ JONAS FRYKBERG/RASMUS HEISTERBERG/ULF RYBERG P: SOREN STAERMOSE/ANNI FAURBYE FERNANDEZ/ LONE KORSLUND/PETER NADERMANN/ OLE SONDBERG/MIKAEL WALLEN Sewdish journalist Stieg Larsson wrote three novels which were released posthumously, and went on to become surprise international bestsellers (they are quite good, but I still don’t understand their immense popularity). The trilogy was adapted for Swedish television for this six-part miniseries. The series was also edited into three 150 or so mins features (THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON’S TATTOO, THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE, THE GIRL WHO KICKED THE HORNET’S NEST) that played theatrically around the world (the running time differences between them are madeup of many minor cuts, nothing of importance). Noomi Rapace stars as Lisbeth Salander, a troubled, reclusive computer hacker whose traumatic past is dragged up for public consumption in the last four episodes/two features that concern espionage and human trafficking. But first she helps co-star Michael Nyqvist (who’s very good as a cutting-edge journalist, if less sharp-seeming than the character in the books) solve a long-ago forgotten disappearance, and possible murder on a remote island owned by a wealthy industrialist family. The mystery involves Nazism and the torture of women. The need to cut material for brevity’s sake is understandable, but I think they made some poor choices in what to remove for the screen adaptation. It results in some hard-to-believe contrivances, which drags the series down to an above average but actually quite forgettable (and sometimes long-winded and boring) level. And Rapace’s Salander is needlessly much more sympathetic than the original character. With Lena Endre, Sofia Ledarp, Jacob Ericksson, Peter Andersson, Per Oscarsson and Georgi Staykov. The DRAGON TATTOO part was remade in Hollywood.

MILLENIUM QUEEN See: BATTLE QUEEN 2020

MILLER’S CROSSING (1990 US) D/W/P: JOEL and ETHAN COEN Gabriel Byrne stars in this excellent, violent 1920s period gangster movie based on both Dashiell Hammett’s Red Harvest (which inspired YOJIMBO) and The Glass Key (previously filmed under that title in both 1935 and 1942). As such, it would be a shame to ruin it by unraveling the convoluted story here. The cast includes Albert Finney, Marcia Gay Harden, John Turturro, Sam Raimi, Steve Buscemi, Jon Polito, Frances McDormand, Mike Starr, Michael Jeter and Michael Badalucco. The Coens made BARTON FINK next.

MILLIONAIRE’S EXPRESS See: SHANGHAI EXPRESS

MILLION DOLLAR HEIRESS See: WHEELS ON MEALS

THE MILLION EYES OF SU MURU (sumuru; the slaves of sumuru) (1967 UK) D: LINDSAY SHONTEFF W/P: HARRY ALAN TOWERS W: KEVIN KAVANAUGH Su Muru (Shirley Eaton) is the leader of a powerful all-female organisation of tough, calculating, beautiful women set on world domination. They use martial arts, stun-guns and torture (and of course, sex appeal). George Nader and an annoying Frankie Avalon are agents out to stop them in this irritating, not-as-fun-as-it-sounds spy adventure hokum. The Su Muru character is taken from a series of novels by Sax Rohmer (around the same time, Towers was also plundering Rohmer’s ideas for the Fu Manchu series that began with THE FACE OF FU MANCHU). With Klaus Kinski and Wilfrid Hyde-White. Jesús Franco returned with the sequel THE GIRL FROM RIO.

MILL OF THE STONE WOMEN (drops of blood; the horrible mill women; horror of the stone women; icon; le moulin des zupplicen; il mulino delle donna di pietra) (1960 FRA ITL) D/W: GIORGIO FERRONI W: REMIGIO DEL GROSSO/UGO LIBERATORE/GIORGIO STEGANI P: GIAMPAOLO BIGAZZI Pierre Brice travels to a windmill on the edge of a canal in Holland. He’s there to help with the restoration of a carousel controlled by the mill’s gears that propel realistic sculptures of women around a small track. The owner of the mill is a famous sculptor who wants to reopen the carousel to the public. He lives with his strange daughter and mysterious doctor. The daughter falls in love with Brice but the jealous doctor gives him a drug to make him seem mad. It’s all a ploy to keep a macabre secret about the daughter (and the sculptures). This slow-moving, atmospheric mystery chiller is very well done and has a memorably lurid climax. With Scilla Gabel, Wolfgang Priess, Dany Carrel, Marco Guglielmi and Olga Solbelli.

MILLY See: MUDER IN LAW

MIMIC (judus) (1997 US) D/W: GUILLERMO DEL TORO W: DONALD A. WOLLHEIM/MATTHEW ROBBINS P: OLE BORNEDAL/B.J. RACK/ BOB WEINSTEIN The Mexican director of CRONOS brings us an interesting if flawed premise. When a breed of disease-spreading cockroaches invade NYC and nearly kill off a generation of children, husband and wife scientists Mira Sorvino and Jeremy Northam introduce a genetically engineered supercockroach (with accelerated DNA) into the environment. This superior bug wipes out the original cockroaches and the city is saved. Several years later, giant cockroach mutations (that can imitate human form) are found to be nesting beneath the city streets. The scene is set for an involving sci-fi thriller that’s at once intelligent and hard-to-swallow. More importantly though, it’s a fun monster movie let-down by a weak climax. With Charles Dutton, Josh Brolin, F. Murray Abraham, Alix Koromzay and much better FX than THE NEST (which it copies).

MIMIC 2 (2000 US) D: JEAN DE SEGONZAC W/P: JOEL SOISSON Unnecessary direct-to-video sequel stars Alix Kormozay (who was in the original) as a teacher in the South Bronx who’s fascinated by insects (and has lots of troubles with men). Alongside detective Bruno Campos and a couple of teens (one is Will Estes), she ends up trapped in a school, stalked by a big human/cockroach hybrid. It’s not that bad, but takes all the interesting ideas from the original and doesn’t do anything much with them. With Edward Albert, Jon Polito and Paul Schulze. It was filmed in LA and Vancouver and the FX are excellent. From the director of ICE.

MIMIC 3: SENTINEL (2003 US) D/W: J.T. PETTY P: KEITH BORDER/RON SCHMIDT This REAR WINDOW-inspired entry (shot in Romania) has more to do with the cockroach potential for disguise. Karl Geary is a pathetic hypersensitive voyeur living at home with his mom (Amanda Plummer) and sister (Alexis Dziena) in what looks like a slum. Because of a strain of cockroaches unleashed years earlier (see first film), he has extreme allergies, and has to stay in his germ-free room with a camera, photographing all his neighbours (including Rebecca Marden, on whom he has a crush). Geary and Dziena witness a drug-dealer (Keith Robinson) being killed, but cop John Kapelos doesn’t believe them (and moves in to screw Plummer). “Garbage man” Lance Henriksen seems to know all about the big killer bugs in a rushed climax that doesn’t make much sense. Despite its drawbacks, this is an engaging, minimal (cast and sets) monster movie, with good FX and unusual characters. Could do worse on a slow night.

MINDBENDER (uri geller) (1995 US) D/W: KEN RUSSELL W: YAEL STERN/BOB CHRISTIANSON P: DORON ERAN Wow. This insane biopic opens with the promise that it’s all a true story and from the “artistic eye” of Russell. Ishai Golan plays the legendary Israeli psychic, discovered in Tel Aviv by an American scientist (Terence Stamp) who takes him back to the States for lab experiments. The military kidanps him to try to harness his power as a weapon, but Uri escapes (a hilarious scene) to live on and bring world peace at the 2000 World Olympics (“disarm”) by using everyone’s psychic powers to knock a Chinese missile out of the sky!?! Finally during the end credits the real Uri Geller appears on-screen to lead us through the world’s first interactive psychic experience on video. You have to see this hard to believe feature (which has terrible “comedy” and dialogue) for yourself. Incredible.

THE MIND BENDERS See: QUATERMASS AND THE PIT

MIND BREAKERS (galactic odyssey; starquest 2; alien snatchers) (1996 US) D/W: FRED GALLO P: DARIN SPILLMAN Executive producer Roger Corman has been responsible for some cinematic atrocities in his time, but this just about takes the cake. Despite the alternate title it’s not a sequel to anything. Six very confused people (not including the audience) wake up on a spaceship “10 years after” something and slowly learn that they are on their way to a distant planet and are the only survivors of an Earth that blew up (I think). Robert Englund is the head alien who tries to explain things by showing an endless succession of quickly edited random scenes from Corman productions of the 80s and 90s (see how many you can spot)! Some of the women get topless and fuck as Englund watches, and then a mutant kills them off one by one. Adam Baldwin “stars” in this bewildering excuse for a film.

MIND GAMES See: BRAINWAVES

MIND KILLER (the brain creature) (1987 US) D/W: MICHAEL KRUEGER W: DAVE SIPOS/CURTIS HANNUM/ DOUG OLSON P: SARAH H. LILES A nerd who has zero success with women learns mind control from a book and is soon capable of psychic reading and persuasion, telekinesis and is a hit with the ladies. After lots of unfunny comic relief and lousy drama he loses his mind and becomes a mutated, lumpy-faced monster. This cheapie is really the pits and pretty sleep-inducing, too. The untalented Krueger also made NIGHT VISION the same year.

THE MIND OF MR. SOAMES (1970 UK) D: ALAN COOKE W: JOHN HALE/EDWARD SIMPSON P: MAX ROSENBERG/MILTON SUBOTSKY Terence Stamp is a man who was born into a coma. On his 30th birthday, an operation to wake him up is successful and the man-child develops learning skills while a tv crew documents. Nigel Davenport is the mean doctor who pushes too hard, while Robert Vaughn plays the kindly one who lets him play and go outside. Eventually Stamp escapes and is confused by the real world. This Amicus release based on Charles Eric Maine’s novel doesn’t really go anywhere, seems to have nothing much to say and is pretty boring. With Christopher Timothy.

THE MIND SNATCHERS (the demon within; the happiness cage) (1972 US) D: BERNARD GIRARD W: RON WHYTE P: GEORGE GOODMAN/RICHARD LEWIS/JOSEPH PAPP Christopher Walken gets his first starring gig as a troublemaking wise-ass soldier in Frankfurt who’s kept prisoner at a remote clinic run by unethical scientist Joss Ackland. He and crazed Ronny Cox are subjected to electroshock torture in some highly unorthodox experimentations. You can tell it’s based on a play (by Dennis Reardon) because it’s talky, static and cinematicaly dull. It’s of interest now just to see a young Walken trying to find his feet. With Ralph Meeker and Birthe Neumann.

MIND WARP (1972) See: THE BRAIN MACHINE

MINDWARP (1990 US) D: STEVE BARNETT W: HENRY DOMINICK/JOHN D. BRANCATO/MICHAEL FERRIS P: CHRISTOPHER WEBSTER In a future where no one has sex anymore, people are kept docile by being plugged into Infinisynth, a computer that keeps everyone asleep and contented. A girl who’s fed-up and questions this way of life wakes up in a wasteland filled with crucified skeletons and mutant cannibal crawlers who tunnel underground. Bruce Campbell is the wasteland survivor hero and Angus Scrimm (from the PHANTASM series) is the young woman’s renegade father who drinks blood from skulls and wants to fuck his daughter to repopulate Earth. This all sounds very interesting and there are some nice ideas, but it doesn’t really gel and the ending is lousy. It was the first movie that Fangoria magazine backed, others were CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT (1991) and SEVERED TIES (1992).

MINDWARP: AN INFINITY OF TERROR (1981) See: GALAXY OF TERROR

MIND YOUR MANNERS! (1953 US) An infuriatingly overpolite teen is constantly admired by the narrator as he performs like a parent-programmed robot in this mind boggling 11 mins b/w social guidance film. I can imagine several high schoolers rushing out to slash up cinema seats after being forced to endure this one in a classroom.

MINER’S MASSACRE (curse of the 49er) (2003 US) D: JOHN CARL BUECHLER W: ANTONIO OLIVAS P: PETER LUPUS III/MICHAEL G. VALENZUELA Teens search for gold at some old ghost town where a cannibal killer miner lurks with a pickaxe. A bearded, filthy Richard Lynch drinks moonshine and gives ominous warnings, John Phillip Law is the sheriff and Karen Black and Martin Kove have parts (Law, Black and Kove were also associate producers). Buechler had made DEEP FREEZE prior to this, and it’s just as stupid and bad.

MING DYNASTY See: DYNASTY

THE MINION (fallen knight: guerrier des tenebres) (1998 CAN) D: JEAN MARC PICHE W: MATT ROE/“RIPLEY HIGHSMITH” P: CLAUDIO CASTRAVELLI What appears to be the body of an ancient Irish monk is discovered underneath “Manhattan” (most of this was lensed in Quebec) and native Mohawk archaeologist Fracoise Robertson is soon involved in an old feud between the Templar knights and an unspeakable evil that wants to get its hands on something. Dolph Lundgren is an ex-mercenary knight/ priest out to save the world. The unleashed evil possesses various characters to do its bidding. Apparently a shorter version released in some territories has different footage, an alternate ending and a more fitting score, but I doubt it would make this action movie any less crappy. With Roc LaFortune, Don Francks, Tony Calabretta, Matt Holland, Michael Perron and Noel Burton. I expect Highsmith is a pseudonym.

MINISIZE See: THE CREEPS

MINI-SKIRT LOVE (1967 US) D/W/P: LOU CAMPA Little Billy (a “teen” played by a far-too-old young man) is a budding shutterbug with his own darkroom in the basement, who secretly takes a couple of snaps of his mother having sex with another man. When he innocently shows them to his dad (busy having a flashback to when he fucked a black woman in a motel), pop flips out. But mom accidentally stabs him with a kitchen knife (junior takes snaps of the homicide scene too). Mom goes to a psychiatric ward, while Billy’s auntie comes to look after him. She bathes him (“that feels good Aunt Janet”), masturbates over the photos of his dead dad/her brother (!), and shamelessly makes out with him on the front lawn!! Five years later and they’re still at it (including a three-way with a horny door-to-door cosmetics saleslady) when a disturbed mom comes home to stay. This twisted little b/w psychosexdrama doesn’t really have an ending. The best way to see this is as part of a Something Weird Video-curated Image Entertainment Lou Campa triple bill dvd (the other two are VENUS IN FURS and COOL IT BABY). Campa also has an acting part here, by the way.

MINORITY REPORT (2002 US) D: STEVEN SPIELBERG W: SCOTT FRANK/JON COHEN P: JAN DE BONT/BONNIE CURTIS/GERALD R. MOLEN/WALTER F. PARKES It has the odd, inevitable multiplex moment (i.e. unnecessary comic relief), but those aside this expensive ILM FX-laden Spielberg take on a short story by Philip K. Dick is surprisingly good. Tom Cruise stars as a hotshot Pre-Crime Investigator who prevents murders before they happen (and arrests future felons for things they are about to do). Three “precog” psychic humanoids supply the information in the form of visions that can be searched for clues. Things get complicated when Cruise himself appears in a vision, shooting someone he’s never met. The intricate Dick touches remain (and there are new ones like the cool spiders), so this doesn’t degenerate into mindless action like TOTAL RECALL did. With Max von Sydow, Patrick Kilpatrick, Steve Harris, Neal McDonough, Jessica Capshaw, Colin Farrell, Frank Grillo, Tim Blake Nelson (O! BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU), Anna Maria Horsford, Samantha Morton, Daniel London, Lois Smith, Peter Stormare, George Wallace, Kathryn Morris, Arye Gross, Jessica Harper, Meredith Monroe, Robert Randolph Caton, Bourke Floyd, Paul Wasilewski and Cameron Crowe. You’ll probably miss the brief appearance by Cameron Diaz. There’s also clips from HOUSE OF BAMBOO and THE MARK OF ZORRO.

MINYA: THE SON OF GODZILLA See: GODZILLA’S REVENGE

THE MIRACLE FIGHTERS (kei moon dun gaap; ji men dun jin) (1982 HK) D: YUEN WOO PING W: WOH PING SIU CHO P: RAYMOND CHOW Utterly bizarre kung fu comedy from Golden Harvest and the Yuen Clan is essential viewing for martial arts fans. Yuen Shun-Yi is the evil sorceress bat out to get future Prince Yuen Chat Yoh. Leung Kar Yan (as you’ve never seen him before) and Yuen Cheung Yan are a bickering brother and sister important to the (very loose) plot. What this classic of its kind has plenty of is superbly choreographed fight action (by the Yuen Clan and Chiu Chung Hing) and unusual, one-off characters and set pieces like a human urn, a talking fish, a flaming flying turkey, lethal spinning tops and a truck load of imaginative fantasy. With Brandy Yuen, Tino Wong, Eddy Ko and even an animated portrait of the Yuen Clan’s father Yuen Siu Tien (aka Simon Yuen, famous for being Sam the Seed in the hit DRUNKEN MASTER). Highly recommended, and look out for the series of loose “sequels”.

MIRACLE MASTER 2 See: BEASTMASTER 2

MIRACLE MILE (1988 US) D/W: STEVE DE JARNATT P: JOHN DALY/DEREK GIBSON Anthony Edwards picks up a ringing payphone and receives a message (meant for someone else) that a nuclear attack is imminent in about two hours. He tries to get away with girlfriend Mare Winningham as the city slowly wakes up to what’s happening. This excellent, exciting doomsday thriller has detailed, scary and realistic ideas about what a city in panic is like. With John Agar, Brian Thompson, Denis Crosby, Mykel T. Williamson, Kurt Fuller, Robert DoQui, Earl Boen, Eddie Bunker, Peter Berg and a Tangerine Dream score. De Jarnatt also made CHERRY 2000.

MIRACLES FOR SALE (1939 US) D: TOD BROWNING W: JAMED EDWARD GRANT/MARION PARSONETT/ HARRY RUSKIN P: J.J. COHN (uncredited) Robert Young is a Manhattan detective and magician investigating a murder in Browning’s last film, a unique twist on the whole haunted house/murder mystery genre. Based on Clayton Rawson’s Great Merlini novel Death From A Top Hat, it’s no classic but a fascinating, fitting end to Browning’s amazing career. It’s filled with illusions, optical FX and surprising scenes. A woman in a coffin is machinegunned at close range by a Japanese soldier on stage as part of an act in the opening scene! Well worth watching. With Florence Rice, Henry Hull in a dual role, Frank Craven, William Demanest, Gloria Holden, Alphonse Martell, James C. Morton, Cyril Ring, Phillip Terry, Monte Vandergrift, Cliff Clark, Walter Kingsford, Frederick Worlock, Harold Minjir, Eddie Acuff, Ernie Adams, William Bailey, Margaret Bert, Chester Clute, John Davidson, Edward Earle, Armand Kaliz, Charles Lane, Richard Loo, Claire McDowell, Manuel Paris, Frank Sully, Harry Tyler, E. Allyn Warren and Fred Warren.

MIRAGE THEATRE See: KAGERO-ZA

MIRROR IMAGES (1991 US) D: ALEXANDER GREGORY HIPPOLYTE W: GEORGES DES ESSEINTES P: ANDREW W. GARRONI Director Hippolyte makes good porn as Gregory Dark and in fact revitalised the mid-80s industry with NEW WAVE HOOKERS etc., but his “erotic” thrillers are so bad they feel like they were made by someone who’d never even experienced sex. Delia Sheppard plays a dual role in this one, if you care. With Jeff Conaway, John O’Hurley, George “Buck” Flower, Julie Strain, Andre Rosey Brown and porno star Jon Dough. You’ll no doubt be pleased to hear that there’s a MIRROR IMAGES II (1993).

MIRROR, MIRROR (1989 US) D/W: MARINA SARGENTI W: ANNETTE CASCONE/GINA CASCONE/YURI ZELTSER P: JIMMY LIFTON Karen Black is a widow who moves from LA to a small town with her depressed teen daughter (made-up to look like Winona Ryder in BETTELEJUICE). The girl decides to keep a big old mirror in their new house and it somehow helps her channel her hate towards popular girls who pick on her at school and causes their deaths. It’s a pretty desperate attempt at a horror movie, and is mostly crappy. Black has her hand chewed-up in the garbage disposal. With Stephen Tobolowsky, William Sanderson and Yvonne De Carlo. Three sequels followed.

MISDEAL See: BEST REVENGE

MISERY (1990 US) D/P: ROB REINER W: WILLIAM GOLDMAN P: ANDREW SCHEINMAN After the very good STAND BY ME, Reiner delivered another superior Stephen King adaption. James Caan is the novelist rescued from his crashed car wreck by “number one fan” Kathy Bates (who won a Best Actress Oscar for this). Unfortunately she’s a psycho who loses it when she discovers that Caan is about to kill off her favourite character. So she breaks his legs and won’t let him leave until he writes a comeback novel. No masterpiece, but a suspenseful, claustrophobic and sometimes scary psycho thriller that should keep most entertained. With Richard Farnsworth, Frances Sternhagen, Lauren Bacall and J.T. Walsh. Barry Sonnenfeld did the photography and second unit work. Bates was also in DOLORES CLAIBORNE (1995), another good King adaption.

MISMATCHED COUPLES (ching fung dik sau; qing feng di shou) (1985 HK) D: YUEN WOO PING W: WOH PING SIU CHO/JENG MAN WA/CHIN JING HONG P: BRANDY YUEN After the classic DRUNKEN TAI CHI Woo Ping and Donnie Yen followed up with this unfortunate and severely dated breakdance-fu comedy. Yen wears far too much makeup as a young breakdancing talent who helps a destitute, clumsy older man (Woo Ping) by getting him a job and a room at his older sister’s restaurant. The acrobatic dance action mixed with minor martial arts (choreographed by Brandy Yuen, who also appears) is impressive, but it’s an 80s overdose with a crappy script and a deluge of never-funny comedy. With Dick Wei.

MS. 45 (angel of vengeance) (1981 US) D: ABEL FERRARA W: NICHOLAS ST. JOHN Ferrara and St. John’s masterpiece. Seventeen-year-old Zoe Tameralis is the mute clothes designer who’s brutally raped twice in one day. She becomes a very sexy gun-toting feminist vigilante in this powerful action flick that works both as a socially significant rape drama and first-class exploitation wonder. Really, see for yourself. I like DEATH WISH a lot, but this is the best of its kind. With St. John and Ferrara as the first rapist.

MISSILE TO THE MOON (1958 US) D: RICHARD CUNHA W: H.E. BARRIE/VINCENT FOTRE P: MARC FREDERIC A scientist in the private sector who’s built a rocket is none too amused when the military step in to take over the project. So when no one is looking he enlists the help of a couple of escaped convicts (Tommy Cook and Gary Clarke) to blast off to the moon. A fellow scientist and his girlfriend accidentally stowaway too. Since this is a remake of CAT-WOMEN OF THE MOON the moon is inhabited by sexy, powerful and man-hungry women led by queen K.T. Stevens. You’ll be wanting to watch it for the giant spider puppet and menacing men-in-suits rock men. With Cathy Downs, Lee Gilbert and Marianne Gaba from Playboy. It was put on a double bill with Cunha’s FRANKENSTEIN’S DAUGHTER.

THE MISSING GUN (xun qiang) (2002 CHN) D/W: CHUAN LAU P: CAO BIAO/JIANG WEN/ZHONG JUN WANG/BUTIN YANG Village cop Jiang Wen mislays his police issue gun the morning after some heavy wedding reception celebrations. His search for the weapon is the plot of this odd yet strangely effective and enjoyable rural mystery laced with satire. It’s based on a story by Fan Yip Ying (not Kurosawa’s STRAY DOG [1949]).

MISSING IN ACTION (1984 US) D: JOSEPH ZITO W: JAMES BRUNER/JOHN CROWTHER/LANCE HOOL P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS Chuck Norris is a former long time POW who goes back to ’nam to rescue MIAs that the Vietnamese government (who want Norris arrested for war crimes) deny having in this slow-moving RAMBO clone. Norris doesn’t even get into the jungles (along with comic relief M. Emmet Walsh) until the final half hour. But overall it’s a better film than RAMBO and I liked the fact that Norris makes up his mind to go back to ’nam after watching a Spider-Man cartoon on tv. With James Hong. John Barrett was a stuntman. Zito and Chuck also made INVASION U.S.A. for Cannon.

MISSING IN ACTION II: THE BEGINNING (1985 US) D: LANCE HOOL W: STEVE BING/LARRY LEVINSON/ ARTHUR SILVER P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS This prequel (which was actually filmed first) has Chuck in a POW camp refusing to let Soon-Tek Oh break him or the other men. Forgettable crap from Cannon (there was even a Making Of tape!). With Prof Toru Tanaka and Steven Williams. John Barrett did some stuntwork again. BRADDOCK followed.

MISSION: 8 MINUTES See: SOURCE CODE

MISSION KASHMIR (2000 IND) D/W/P: VIDHU VINOD CHOPRA W: ABHIJAT JOSHI/SUKETU MEHTA/ VIKRAM CHANDRA It may take some viewers unfamiliar with Hindi cinema a while to get their head around an epic soap opera and action movie played against the backdrop of India and Pakistan’s fight for Kashmir that comes complete with musical scenes, but this very slick and expensive-looking two-and-a-half-hour extravaganza is definitely worth your time. Sanjay Dutt and Hrithik Roshan star as, respectively, military father figure and confused terrorist controlled adopted son. At its worst when you can feel the pro-military propaganda coming to the fore (regardless of your personal views, or lack of), but that stuff is kept to a surprising minimum. The majority of the running time is devoted to engaging high drama, competent big-budget thrills and arresting, wellexecuted shifts in tone (and mostly catchy song and dance numbers). With Preity Zinta, Sonali Kulkarni and Jackie Shroff.

MISSION: LOS ANGELES See: BATTLE LOS ANGELES

MISSION MANILA (1987 PHIL) D/W/P: PETER M. MacKENZIE W: SALLY MARIE HALLAM P: GENE M. HUGGENS/JOSEPH H. ZUCCHERO Terminally dull action/revenge movie about an American in Manila searching for his missing brother and taking on drug-dealer gangsters. In an almost (but not quite) inspired bit of retro, the woman-in-peril is actually tied to a railway track.

MISSION: MUST DIE See: CITY OF FEAR

MISSION OF JUSTICE (martial law 3) (1992 CAN) D: STEVE BARNETT W: GEORGE SAUNDERS/JOHN BRYANT HEDBERG P: PIERRE DAVID/KURT ANDERSON Jeff Wincott is an ex-cop whose boxing champion friend is murdered by The Peacekeepers, a vigilante karate fighting association who work for political candidate Brigitte Nielsen. He goes undercover to dig up dirt. This action movie has some good, vicious fights and is above average entertainment of its type. With Karen Sheperd, Luca Bercovici, Matthias Hues, Christopher Kriesa, James Lew and Philip Tan. From the director of MINDWARP.

MISSION TO MARS (2000 US) D: BRIAN De PALMA W: GRAHAM YOST/JIM and JOHN THOMAS/LOWELL CANNON P: TOM JACOBSON Gary Sinise heads the cast of this nostalgic sci-fi adventure with a real comic book feel. Parts are reminiscent of DESTINATION MOON and ROBINSON CRUSOE ON MARS (among others). The plot concerns a rescue mission when Don Cheadle gets stranded on Mars. It’s just a shame that the discovery of alien intelligence angle is presented in such a sappy, history lesson CLOSE ENCOUNTERS-style. With Tim Robbins, Jerry O’Connell (miscast comic relief), Kim Delaney (in flashback), Connie Nilesen, Peter Outerbridge and Armin Mueller-Stahl. An important line of dialogue is stolen from the NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD remake. Hoyt Yeatman and John Knoll created the visual FX.

MRS. TINGLE See: TEACHING MRS. TINGLE

THE MIST (2007 US) D/W/P: FRANK DARABONT P: ANNA GARDUNO/LIZ GLOTZER After a major storm, a strange, impenetrable mist covers a small town. Townsfolk barricade themselves in the supermarket, as tentacles and winged insect-like creatures emerge from the fog to kill. LORD OF THE FLIES-like factions fight for dominance, Marcia Gay Harden representing the dangerous religious zealots. Thomas Jane stars as an artist trying to keep his little boy alive (his briefly seen artwork is a reference to Stephen King’s Dark Tower/Gunslinger novels, linked to his novella, on which this movie is based on). The satire is a little heavy-handed, and the whole thing is overlong at two hours plus, but this is a pretty exciting monster movie, with good acting, and a memorably bleak ending, surprisingly cruel for such a major release. With Laurie Holden, Toby Jones, William Sadler, Jeffrey DeMunn, Andre Braugher, David Jensen, Frances Sternhagen and Buck Taylor. Shot and released theatrically in colour, a b/w version (as Darabont intended) is on disc (in this case, it hardly makes a difference to be honest).

MR. ARKADIN See: CONFIDENTIAL REPORT

MR. B NATURAL (1957 US) D: PHIL PATTON W: MARVIN DAVID An alarmingly perky woman in a Peter Pan outfit called Mr. B Natural convinces a shy schoolboy to come out of his shell by taking up an instrument. Each instrument has it’s own interpretive dance. Very weird colour short for promoting some forgotten company’s instrument factory.

MR. BOO See: THE PRIVATE EYES

MR. DEATH: THE RISE AND FALL OF FRED A. LEUCHTER JR. (1999 US UK) D/P: ERROL MORRIS P: DOROTHY AUFIERO/DAVID COLLINS/MICHAEL WILLIAMS Leuchter is the designer of a more humane and well-built electric chair that replaced the older, inefficient models in North America. Later asked to also help build a gallows, a gas chamber and a lethal injection machine, this documentary mostly focuses on how he was discredited after helping Holocaust denier and revisionist Ernst Zundel “prove” that Auschwitz was not used to kill Jewish prisoners during WWII. Despite his irresponsible detective work feeding neo-Nazi propaganda, I think this doc does show Leuchter to be more of a pathetic, attention-seeking sap than an anti-Semite. This is all fairly interesting stuff, but I do wonder if a feature-length doc was in order? It includes the fascinating 1903 Thomas Edison short ELECTROCUTING AN ELEPHANT. Morris is best known for his acclaimed GATES OF HEAVEN and THE THIN BLUE LINE (1988).

MR. DIAMOND See: DIAMONDS

MISTER DIGITAL See: FLASH FUTURE KUNG FU

MR. DILEMMA MAN (1979 JPN) D: MASARU KONUMA Here’s a wild, ridiculous and entertaining superhero sex comedy based on a manga. Comedian Akira Emoto stars as a salaryman who can’t satisfy his wife in bed, and whose kids don’t respect him. On a crowded commuter train he accidentally orally rapes a nun (!?!), so is labelled a molester at work. His perverted buck-toothed boss beats him up. After seeing a poster of Christopher Reeve as Superman, he becomes a silly anti-pervert crusader wearing a mask with horns (who’s pretty perverted himself). He pretends to be a sex toy vending machine in a woman’s locker room. The big joke is that a gay man rides his protruding erection! This gay guy then steals his outfit and proceeds to play the perverted impostor. Emoto’s family rally around him as he goes one-on-one against him (including a jerking-off contest that leaves his teen daughter with a faceful of jizz!), culminating in a duel at the beach that spoofs the classic ending of DUEL AT GANRYU ISLAND. Emoto beats the intruder by fucking him in the arse! The buck-toothed boss takes a dump in the loser’s mouth for good measure! It ends with Emoto the head of a respectful family, and getting a promotion at work! Konuma made the very different rape and SM classic WIFE TO BE SACRIFICED, and many others.

MR. DRACULA See: MR. VAMPIRE

MR. HERCULES AGAINST KARATE (hercules against karate; hercules vs kung fu; schiaffoni e karate) (1973 ITL) D/W: ANTONIO MARGHERITI W: LUCIANO VINCENZONI/SERGIO DONATI/GIOVANNI SIMONELLI The Bud Spencer/Terence Hill team was so popular in Europe during the 70s that “Tom Scott” (Alberto Terracina) and “Fred Harris” (Fernando Arrien) imitated them in this unfunny, overlong comedy adventure about a superstrong dunce and his wisecracking partner who get fired from a construction site in Australia, and are then hired to find a kidnapped little boy in Hong Kong. The villain is a kung fu master who yanks out eyeballs (I’ve just made it sound slightly cool, believe me it’s not). Chinese and Japanese culture clichés are all mixed-up to a laughable degree. With the fine-looking Jolina Mitchell-Collins, Franco Resssel and a cameo from “Alan Collins” at the end. The rip-off team returned in WHISKEY AND GHOSTS.

MISTERIA See: BODY PUZZLE

MR. MAJESTYK (1974 US) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: ELMORE LEONARD P: WALTER MIRISCH Melon farmer Charles Brosnson helps out some Mexican immigrants by giving them work picking his crops. He threatens a weakling punk with a scamming racket (Paul Koslo) and ends up in police custody. Al Lettieri is a mob hitman transported at the same time as Bronson who gets busted out by gangsters. Bronson goes on the run with Lettieri, but hands him back to the cops. Lettieri wants revenge in this hit action movie. I’ve never understood why this ok but nothing special Bronson vehicle had so many fans. With Linda Cristal, Alejandro Rey and Richard Erdman. Note screenwriting credit (it’s based on his novel).

MISTER MARI’S GIRLS (1967 US) D: WILLIAM K. HENIGAR This one’s weird. Mr. Mari sits like a man of leisure in a leather chair near a log fire. He narrates stories about several different women in trouble, and they all come to him for money. A junky, a gambling housewife etc. One is a schoolgirl who tried to seduce her teacher (his facial expressions are hilarious). Another is a butch lesbian called Dirk who asks Mari to marry her to her blind painter girlfriend. Mari gives them all cash, but doesn’t ask them for sex as you might expect. Suddenly, as the 61 b/w mins are about up, Mari wonders “what would happen” if all the girls met. We see that they all get possessive of Mari, have a mass fight (as Mari watches) and eventually throttle each other to death! It ends (disturbingly) with Mari cackling and throwing money over the pile of corpses. Strange.

MR. MONSTER See: LE MONSTRE (1994)

MR. NICE GUY (nice guy; no more mr. nice guy; superchef; yat goh hiu yan; yi ge hao ren) (1996 HK AUSL US) D: SAMMO HUNG W: EDWARD TANG/ FIBE MA P: CHUA LAM Jackie Chan more-or-less plays himself as a tv chef in Melbourne who helps a female reporter in danger and accidentally gains possession of an incriminating videotape that cokedealing gangster Richard Norton wants back. Taiwanese singer Miki Lee is Chan’s visiting girlfriend in danger. The impressive action and stunts include a runaway horse and cart and a huge runaway landfill truck. It’s formulaic to the nth degree, but more enjoyable than anything else. With cameos from Hung and Joyce Godenzi, a big Pepsi plug and a gratuitous bra and panties chase scene. This review refers to the longer 97 mins Japanese cut. The US print is considerably shorter.

MR. NO LEGS See: THE AMAZING MR. NO LEGS

MR. OTHELLO MAN See: THE THING WITH TWO HEADS

MR. SARDONICUS (sardonicus) (1961 US) D/P: WILLIAM CASTLE W: RAY RUSSELL Castle (who made HOMICIDAL the same year) appears on screen to introduce this one. It’s a very good, atmospheric and lurid b/w tale concerning greed, grave-robbing, hatred and physical deformity. To say any more would spoil the fun. Castle turns up again near the end to take the “Punishment Poll”. Another gem from the king of the gimmicks. With Oskar Homolka and Vladimir Sokoloff.

MISTER SCARFACE (scarface killer; the big boss; blood and bullets; rulers of the city; I padroni della cita; zwei supertypen rauma auf) (1976 ITL W.GER) D/W: FERNANDO DI LEO W: PETER BERLING P: ARMANDO NOVELLI Top-billed Jack Palance is a feared Mafioso with a long cigarette holder (and someone else’s voice dubbed in). When he loses three million lira at a small time gang’s gambling den, he pays them with a rubber check. Harry Baer is a debt collecting underling with a red dune buggy who offers to get the money back from Palance when everyone else is too scared. But he takes more than is owed and a gang war erupts. Meanwhile Baer teams up with Al Cliver and some other guy to fight off Palance’s goons. Very light and rambling action movie is a real let-down for fans of gritty Euro thrillers of the era. With Edmund Purdom, Vittorio Capioli, Salvatore Billa, Nello Pazzafini and Berling. Di Leo wrote Ruggero Deodato’s LIVE LIKE A COP, DIE LIKE A MAN from the same year.

MR. SOCRATES (2005 S.KOR) D: JIN-WON CHOI A no-future young thug who loves a good scrap (Rae-won Kim) is kidnapped and forced to study (philosophy among other things) by ex-Marine Shin-il Kang, whose goons sometimes use torture to speed the learning process along. He’s then made to join the police force as a beat cop, and events are manipulated so that he can become a homicide detective. For some reason that’s not really explained (at least not in the English subtitles), he’s supposed to be a blindly obedient supercop thug to be used for something or other. It’s wildly uneven, silly, unlikely and somewhat nonsensical (at least to me), but also different, unpredictable, sometimes very funny and (mostly) enjoyable. With Kwang-rok Oh.

MR. STITCH (1995 US FRA) D/W: ROGER AVARY Camp retelling of FRANKENSTEIN (with some HANDS OF ORLAC thrown in) stars Wil Wheaton as a confused composite of 88 other people who has a database of language and reasoning, but no memory. Rutger Hauer and a giant floating eyeball observe him on an all-white stage set. He experiences residual thought from his body’s previous owners and learns that he’s designed to be a perfect soldier for the military. Nia Peebles is a young nurse who confuses him further and causes him to rebel and run away. Not great, but engagingly over-thetop, and there’s a good (if unlikely) car chase. With Ron Perlman, Tom Savini (who also handled the FX), Ron Jeremy, Al Sapienza, Taylor Negron and Michael Harris. It doesn’t end until after the final credit roll, so stick around. Avary directed KILLING ZOE.

MR. T’S BE SOMEBODY…OR BE SOMEBODY’S FOOL! (1984 US) D/P: JEFF MARGOLIS W: PETER EIBLING/PAUL RALEY/PAUL WILSON P: TOPPER CAREW/HENRY JOHNSON Here’s a must-see educational tape from the decade that fashion forgot. Mr. T encourages a bunch of kids to be somebody. This means having confidence, avoiding peer-pressure and treating your mother right! In the section on “recouping” you’ll learn that breakdancing right after you trip-up on the floor will transform everyone’s laughter into a round of applause! Listen to Mr. T (also Doctor T) sing, rap and see him learn how to robot dance. Before hosting a fashion show T explains that “everybody gotta wear clothes, and if you don’t you’ll get arrested”. And did you know that all those gold chains symbolise T’s ancestors’ fight against slavery? With vocal arrangements by Ice T!

MR. TEAS AND HIS PLAYTHINGS See: THE IMMORAL MR. TEAS

MR. VAMPIRE (mr. dracula; jiang shi xian sheng; geung shut sin sang) (1984 HK) D: “RICKY LAU” (LAU CHANG WEI) W: CHEUKHON SZETO/BARRY WONG P: LEONARD K. C. HO Lam Ching Ying (who was in countless kung fu flicks and choreographed Bruce Lee movies) stars in his most famous role as the one-eyebrow priest in this much copied comedy horror action classic. He has to battle a cancer that turns people into “Gyonsi” (hopping vampires). “Gyonsi” is old-hat to the Chinese, but this was the first time most foreigners had heard of the legend and it’s probably the best movie treatment of the subject. As well as the zombie-like Gyonsi, we get a chicken’s throat being slit, a snake being sliced, a brief comic relief man-in-a-gorilla-suit and a witch with a flying head. Not to mention all the fights, acrobatics, slapstick comedy and magic. Lots of fun. With Moon Lee, Ricky Hui, Chin Siu Ho, Li Choi Fung, Pauline Wong and Wu Ma. Sammo Hung was a co-producer. Not counting the spin-offs, there were three official sequels.

MR. VAMPIRE 2 (jiang shi gu zu; geung shut ga chuk) (1985 HK) D: “RICKY LAU” (LAU CHANG WEI) W: BARRY WONG P: SAMMO HUNG Very disappointing sequel to the classic original is set 99 years later. The hyperkinetic kung fu and fantasy of the first gives way to slow pacing and boredom. The best example of this is an unfunny slow motion sequence (acted rather than changing the film speed) that they obviously thought was hilarious and run it on way too long. Some scenes are ok, but they’re swimming against the tide. There’s an overdose of comedy and a heartwarming (ugh!) hopping vampire child. Lam Ching Ying returns, with Moon Lee, Yuen Biao, Chung Faat, Manfred Wong, Walter Tso Tat-Wah, Stanley Fung, Hsiao Ho, James Tin Jun, Wu Fung, Yuen Miu, Billy Lau and Wu Ma. At one point Lam Ching Ying explains to a cop, who doesn’t know about hopping vampires, that he should watch MR. VAMPIRE!

MR. VAMPIRE 3 (leng waan sin sang; ling huan xian sheng) (1987 HK) D: RICKY LAU W: SZETO CHEUK-HON/LO WING KEUNG P: SAMMO HUNG This one’s an improvement on the last entry, even if there are no vampires that hop in it. Richard Ng is well-cast as a slightly crooked Taoist priest with a man and boy ghost sidekick team who drum up business for him by haunting places. Series regular Lam Ching Ying and his extremely annoying bespectacled protégé accidentally capture the friendly ghost, and when Ng sets about rescuing them he unleashes a much deadlier ghost from a pot. It’s pretty much non-stop fantasy action with utterly unfathomable (to me at least) spells, traditions and supernatural rules, but highly entertaining all the way. Some of the comedy is funnier than usual, too. Hung has a cameo, with Billy Lau, Teddy Yip, Wu Ma, Corey Yuen Kwai, Fung Lee, Baan Yung Sang, Gam Biu and Chow Gam Kong.

MR. VAMPIRE SAGA 4 (geung shut suk suk; jiang shi shu shu) (1987 HK) D: RICKY LAU W: LO WING KEUNG P: SAMMO HUNG/CHAN POOI WA Wu Ma replaces Lam Ching Ying as the priest in this very laboured and none too exciting entry that’s more concerned with stupid comedy than action or the supernatural. Most of the running time is devoted to a silly rivalry between Ma and a bespectacled Taoist (an annoying guy who was also in the previous entry). It’s a shame because when the hopping vampire villain turns up he looks pretty scary. With Loletta Lee, Chin Kar Lok, Yuen Wah and Chung Faat.

MR. VAMPIRE 5 See: MAGIC COP

MR. WONG AT HEADQUARTERS See: THE FATAL HOUR

MR. WONG, DETECTIVE (1938 US) D: WILLIAM NIGH W: HOUSTON BRANCH Boris Karloff as Mr. Wong is one of the least convincing Caucasians in Oriental makeup, but that aside his five Wong movies for Monogram are not bad as mystery programmers go. In this first one, someone has been murdered with the use of a poisoned gas bomb. Grant Withers is the series regular cop who has a hard time understanding Wong’s laid back methods of investigation and interrogation. With Evelyn Brent, George Lloyd, Lucien Prival, John St. Polis, William Gould, Lester Dorr, Herbert Evans, Hooper Atchley, John Hamilton, Wilbur Mack, Lynton Brent, Ed Cassidy and Clancy Cooper. The story (based on the writings of Hugh Wiley, as was the whole series) was reused for a Charlie Chan movie (DOCKS OF NEW ORLEANS) a decade later. Next in the series was THE MYSTERY OF MR. WONG.

MR. WONG IN CHINATOWN (1939 US) D: WILLIAM NIGH W: SCOTT DARLING In the third of Monogram’s Wong movies based on the writings of Hugh Wiley, the Chinese sleuth (Boris Karloff) searches for the person who murdered a Chinese Princess visiting San Francisco. So-so, with an appearance from the godfather of dwarf cinema, Angelo Rossitto. With Grant Withers and Marjorie Reynolds for comic relief, Huntley Gordon, George Lynn, William Royle, James Flavin, Wilbur Mack, I. Stanford Jolley, Richard Loo, Donald Kerr, Bruce Mitchell and Guy Usher. Remade as the Charlie Chan film THE CHINESE RING (1947). THE FATAL HOUR was next in the series.

THE MISTRESS AND THE SLAVE See: THE PUNISHMENT OF ANNE

MISTRESS OF THE APES (1981 US) D/W: LARRY BUCHANAN P: JOHN F. RICKERT This particularly odd Buchanan concoction opens with some street punks with guns holding-up a NYC hospital for drugs. Jenny Neumann is a pregnant patient who suffers a miscarriage as a result. While recuperating she gets word that photographs taken by her photographer husband who went missing in the Congo have been discovered. They seem to show missing link ape men (pretty good face makeup by Greg Cannom, assisted by Rob Bottin). So she goes to “Africa” (Malibu State Park, not a convincing substitute) to continue the research. Her guide and most of the men she meets (including Stuart Lancaster from Russ Meyer movies as a poacher) are total sleazeballs, so a welcome alternative is to befriend the ape men, eventually sleeping with one (!) and staying in the jungle to become a mother (or “Ape Lady” as the jaunty, out-of-place theme tune, not dissimilar to the one from QUEEN KONG, puts it). Amid this loopiness, the sexy, very leggy Neumann has welcome topless scenes. One guy says to his girl “why don’t you just shut up and… function”. With Barbara Leigh and a man-in-a-suit gorilla. It’s just the kind of endlessly tedious yet hypnotically odd obscurity that late-night tv was made for. Nicholas Josef von Sternberg (son of highly respected Golden Age Hollywood director Josef von Sternberg) was the cinematographer (he had previously shot DOLEMITE, ALEX JOSEPH AND HIS WIVES (1976) and DEATH DRUG among others, and went on to shoot the likes of SKINHEADS, NO RETREAT NO SURRENDER 2 (1987) and HOSPITAL MASSACRE). Buchanan made THE LOCH NESS MONSTER (1982) next.

MISTRESS OF THE THUNDERBOLT See: GOLDEN SWALLOW

MITCHELL (1975 US) D: ANDREW V. McLAGLEN W: IAN KENNEDY MARTIN P: R. BEN EPHRAIM Police detective Mitchell (Joe Don Baker) dogmatically hassles drug-dealer Martin Balsam by being on permanent stakeout outside his house. Unlike many viewers, I liked the idea that Mitchell is an unapologetic slob who’s sloppy but unrelenting, but this dull movie could have done with more action and less comedy. With John Saxon, Linda Evans and Jerry Hardin.

MIXED BLOOD (cocaine) (1984 US FRA) D/W: PAUL MORRISSEY P: ANTOINE GANNAGE/STEVEN FIERBERG Here’s another great, yet criminally ignored Morrissey film. Brazilian movie star Marilia Pera is Rita La Punta, a glamorous Brazilian drugdealer who lives in a shithole squat in (a pregentrification) Alphabet City on Manhattan’s Lower East Side (the place looks just as bad as the Bronx does in WILD STYLE). She only hires underage kids to work for her, because they can’t go to jail (but they do get slaughtered in several violent shoot-outs). Her turf rival is the Puerto Rican Juan the Bullett (Angel David). Their supplier is a wealthy German, whose girl (Linda Kerridge) causes many problems when she goes slumming with Punta’s loyal, “slow” son Thiago (Richard Ulacia). Low budget in the extreme, with a few scenes suffering because of it, but overall a unique mix of the painfully realistic and surreal, loaded with great amateur acting, faces and accents, and often very funny. With Rodney Harvey, and somewhere, a young John Leguizamo. I liked the shop totally dedicated to Puerto Rican boy band Menudo memorabilia. The latin sounds soundtrack is good, too. Alan Bowne (Morrissey adapted his play FORTY DEUCE in 1982) provides additional dialogue (one nice touch is the fact that each faction calls the other “spics” with real conviction). Morrisey made something called THE ARMCHAIR HACKER (1985) next.

MIXED CULTURE See: URBAN LEGEND

MNASDIKA (1969 US) D/P: MICHAEL and ROBERTA FINDLAY A man (Michael Findlay) finds himself transported to the past (some fields and woods standing in for Ancient Greece). He turns out to be a rapist of local frolicking nude women, and he bashes them to death with rocks for good measure. Meanwhile other nude lesbian locals frolic and fuck (some of this is near hardcore, with plentiful split-beaver shots), all lovingly captured by Roberta Findlay’s energetic, close-up hungry (excellent) photography. Female narration babbles incessantly, but I can’t remember a word if it. Eventually these women exact their vengeance upon the man. One of them is Uta Erickson (Findlay veteran and star of BACHANNALE the following year). I can see how some viewers could get bored, but I (not a fan of lesbian sex scenes) couldn’t help but enjoy this sleazy, back-to-nature no-script classic-of-its-kind. Girl-on-girl fan raincoaters of the prehardcore flood era must have creamed their jeans every night of its run.

MOBIUS (1997) See: MURDER.COM

MOBIUS (1998) See: TRANCE

MOBSTERS (the evil empire) (1991 US) D: MICHAEL KARBELNIKOFF W: MICHAEL MAHERN/NICHOLAS KAZAN P: STEPHEN J. ROTH Vapid, highly derivative 1920s NYC gangster flick stars Christian Slater as one of a quartet of up’n’coming young mobsters who start with an illegal liquor operation and quickly expand into other areas, becoming a powerful organisation to contend with the families of ruthless old-fashioned kingpins Michael Gambon and Anthony Quinn. Not that it isn’t well made, but it offers nothing new, nor a new way of telling it. With Patrick Dempsey, Richard Grieco, F. Murray Abraham, Christopher Penn, Lara Flynn Boyle, Costas Mandylor, Joe Viterelli, Frank Collison, Seymour Cassel, Andy Romano, Ava Fabian, Titus Welliver, Willie Garson and Robert Z’Dar. Nicholas Kazan is Elia Kazan’s son.

MOBY DICK (2010) See: 2010: MOBY DICK

MODEL KILLER (the hollywood strangler meets the skid row slasher) (1973 US) D: “WOLFGANG SCHMIDT” (RAY DENNIS STECKLER) Pierre Agostino is a psychopathic pigeon keeper and photographer who strangles his models (“just another piece of garbage”) while we hear his misogynistic train-of-thought on the soundtrack (actually Steckler’s voice-over). Steckler’s wife Carolyn Brandt plays a bookstore owner who stabs homeless people in alleyways with her switchblade. After 68 mins they kill each other. Surprisingly engrossing and well-done. LAS VEGAS SERIAL KILLER (1986) was the follow up.

MODEL MASSACRE See: COLOR ME BLOOD RED

MODERN YAKUZA: OUTLAW KILLER (street mobster; gendai yakuza: hito-kiri yota) (1972 JPN) D/W: KINJI FUKASAKU W: YOSHIHIRO ISHIMATSU The last in a series of six gangster movies that began with GENDAI YAKUZA: YOTAMONO NO OKITE in 1968. All star Bunta Sugawara. In this one he’s a hot-headed brawling street punk who’s first shown leading a gang of rapists that sell women to brothels. He gets out of prison in a very different early 70s and heads a gang that mark out their own territory in an area being fought over by major business gangsters. Not a remarkable yakuza flick, but another to add to the pile of stylish and fast-paced violent action quickies of the era. Fans should enjoy. With Noboru Ando, Asao Koike, Noboru Mitani and Nobuo Yana.

MODESTY BLAISE (1966 UK) D: JOSEPH LOSEY W: EVAN JONES/STANLEY DUBENS P: JOSEPH JANNI When some diamonds from the Middle East bound for Britain go missing, the UK government call in retired master-thief Modesty Blaise (Monica Vitti) to retrieve them. Terence Stamp is her accomplice. A very camp Dirk Bogarde has the stones. What could have been good kitschy fun is ruined by too much concentration on our fashionable supervillains relaxing in their decadent surroundings. Some great scenes are an indication of what we’re missing. Shame. With Harry Andrews and Clive Revill. It’s based on Peter O’Donnell and Jim Holdaway’s comic-strip characters, and the novelisation tie-in by O’Donnell. Further attempts to adapt the character to the screen were in 1982 (ABCTV) and 2002.

MODULATIONS (1998 US) D: LARA LEE W: PETER SHAPIRO P: GEORGE GUND International look at electronic music from pioneers like Stockhausen to modern-day drum’n’bass icons like Squarepusher is good, but tries to cram too much into 74 mins and visuals seem to have been thrown in at random. Too many talented musicians to mention give interviews, but the majority of them stray from giving facts about how different styles formed (the interesting stuff) to their thoughts and ideas about the future of society etc. (the pretentious stuff). Despite modern electronica being one of my favourite kinds of music, someone should bring a few of these people (all men, incidentally) back down to Earth. Not everyone knows who they are, or owns (or could afford) the equipment they use.

MOLE MEN AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES (the strongest man in the world; maciste, l’uomo piu forte del mondo) (1961 ITL) D/W: (ANTONIO) LEONVIOLA W: MARCELLO BALDI/GUISEPPE MANGIONE EXEC P: ELIO SCARDAMAGLIA Mark Forest is Maciste, first seen pulling a whale (!?) out of the ocean for no apparent reason. He comes across a village that was pillaged by “mole men”, a race of people (ruled over by a beautiful queen with a thing for musclemen, played by Moira Orfei), who live in underground caverns and are killed by sunlight (in one scene the sun turns one into a clean skeleton!). They use slaves kidnapped from above ground to push a great wheel that powers a huge device that extracts gold and diamonds from the Earth. Forest rescues and befriends a black muscleman sidekick called Bangor (Paul Wynter), fights lions and a “savage beast” (man in a tatty gorilla suit) in a cage, and holds up tonnes of stone slabs to save his friends from being crushed. Despite all these potentially interesting elements for a peplum fan like myself, this is overlong and dragged on at 95 mins. With Gianni Garko, Farraella Carra, Enrico Glori and Nando Tamberlani. The English-dubbed print on a WARRIORS 50 MOVIE dvd pack opens with the AIP-tacked-on SONS OF HERCULES intro song (see review for details), but not the visuals, instead displaying an Embassy release logo and original (?) credits. Leonviola directed another Maciste movie (that became ATLAS IN THE LAND OF THE CYCLOPS in the US) the same year.

THE MOLE PEOPLE (1956 US) D: VIRGIL W. VOGEL W: LASZLO GOROG P: WILLIAM ALLAND Fun b/w B movie favourite has John Agar leading a bunch of archaeologist explorers down a deep hole found in Alaska. They encounter a forgotten race of underground cave-dwelling albino Sumerians who think Agar’s flashlight is “the power of Ishtar”. The main reason to watch is the Sumerians’ mutant slaves with cool monster heads, hunchbacks and claws for burrowing. They revolt at the end. Cynthia Patrick is the love interest, with Hugh Beaumont, Alan Napier, Nestor Paiva, Robert F. Hoy and Eddie Parker (the last two as mutants). Director Vogel also directed new scenes for Jerry Warren’s version of INVASION OF THE ANIMAL PEOPLE, but mostly worked in tv.

MOLLY GROWS UP (1953 US) D: CHARLES LARRANCE W: DONALD M. HATFIELD Ph.D Schoolgirls watching this 16 mins b/w classroom ed film about periods must have been confused as hell when their time of the month didn’t turn out quite as glamorous and exciting as it’s portrayed here. I doubt if many girls proudly announced their first menstruation to their encouraging pipe-smoking dad in real-life, either.

MONDAY (1999 JPN) D/W: “SABU” (HIROYUKI TANAKA) P: NOBUAKI MUROOKA/HITOMI ISHIHARA/ REIKO ARAKAWA/TAKAHITO KASHIRO/BONG OULEE Shinnichi Tsutsumi is a salaryman who wakes up in a mysterious hotel room on a Monday morning unable to remember what happened to him. His memory slowly comes back (we see flashbacks) and he realises the trouble he’s in. Sabu’s earlier films (especially POSTMAN BLUES) managed to be cool and tell a good story at the same time, but this can’t sew it’s “hip” scenes together (and some parts are really good) successfully. But it still might be worth a look. With Ren Osugi, Susumu Terajima, Tomoroh Taguchi, Nanako Okochi, Naomi Koda, Hijiri Kojima, Keisuke Horibe, Hideiki Noda, Kanji Tsua and Yasuko Matsuyuki. Tsutsumi (a talented, versatile actor) is excellent.

MONDO CANE (1962 ITL) D/W/P: GUALTIERO JACOPETTI D: FRANCO E. PROSPERI D/W: PAOLO CAVARA Jacopetti was a journalist who made newsreels when he kick-started the whole mondo phenomenon with this hit. It’s pretty tame by today’s anything-goes death footage tape standards (and is more interested in customs and rituals than gore), but is expertly photographed and well edited (by Jacopetti), and at least it was all filmed on location (a trait that many dubious copycat titles failed to successfully emulate). It’s also historically important. As well as the expected scenes from the far east and far-flung corners of the world, we get stuff from America (like the NYC restaurant that serves insects) and other “civilised” countries. Some scenes are a complete waste of time (like a female lifeguard demonstration in Australia) and the ironic narration (again Jacopetti) verges on the smarmy.

MONDO CANE 2 (mondo pazzo) (1963 ITL) D/W: GUALTIERO JACOPETTI D/W: FRANCO PROSPERI P: MARIO MAFFEI/GIORGIO CECCHINI There’s more of the same (the Mexican day of the dead, that famous Buddhist monk on fire footage, insect jewellery etc.) in this equally popular sequel. Some of is faked, but convincing. The best part is the opening dig at the British censors. Other MONDO CANE retitled direct-to-video “sequels” are unrelated.

MONDO MAGIC (naked magic; shocking cannibals; magia nuda) (1975 ITL) D: ALFREDO CASTIGLONI/ ANGELO CASTIGLONI/GUIDO GUERRAGIO W: ALBERTO MORIAVA This mondo look at African natives is pretty fascinating. It opens with kids bathing in cow piss and applying powdered cow dung as insect repellant. The animal’s genitals are also licked and we see tortoises fucking. Graphic footage includes an elephant hunt and meal preparations. During a sex demonstration/celebration ritual a little boy is sodomised (according to the narrator anyway, but it is debatable). Some footage from Manila in the Philippines shows psychic surgery at work and flagellants. The filmmaking trio had previously delivered SECRET AFRICA (1969) and AFRICA AMA (1971).

MONDO PAZZO See: MONDO CANE 2

MONDO TOPLESS (1966 US) D/P: RUSS MEYER This is the last of Meyer’s travelogue nudies. A narrator introduces a bunch of big-breasted, topless beauties who gyrate to twangy rock music (and sometimes jazz). There’s always a transistor radio or a tape recorder nearby! They discuss the topless dancing business and personal problems on the soundtrack. One of the girls is LORNA star Lorna Maitlen. Another is Pat Barrington (from ORGY OF THE DEAD) who dances next to a moving train in my favourite part. Places covered are San Francisco, Belgium, Paris, Scandinavia and Berlin. The Euro footage is from EUROPE IN THE RAW (1963). A fun 60 mins.

MONDO TRASHO (1969 US) D/W/P: JOHN WATERS This was Waters’ first feature after a series of shorts (that have never been released) HAG IN A BLACK LEATHER JACKET, ROMAN CANDLES and EAT YOUR MAKE UP. It’s in b/w with no-sync dialogue (a few lines of speech are dubbed over) and a soundtrack that’s ahead of its time (and features parts of some great tracks to reappear in later Waters films). Mary Vivian Pearce is serviced by a foot fetishist in the park, run over by Divine (cute as always in a platinum blonde wig) and later kidnapped to be experimented on by the diabolical Dr. Coathanger (David Lochary) who performs a foot transplant. With the Virgin Mary, a topless Mink Stole, Susan Lowe, Divine doubling as a lecherous man in a passing car, Waters and a great last few lines of dialogue (“she’s a rimmer”). There are long stretches where nothing much happens and it does get a little tedious, but being a Waters fan it’s difficult to be objective. Completists fascinated by the faces and Baltimore sights won’t be able to resist. Another short (THE DIANE LINKLETTER STORY) appeared between this and Waters’ next feature MULTIPLE MANIACS.

MONEY CRASH See: KOUNTERFEIT

MONEY MOVERS (1979 AUSL) D/W: BRUCE BERESFORD P: MATT CARROLL An armoured car company’s trucks keep getting knocked over, with the threat of yet another heist. Meanwhile some insiders are plotting to use this distraction to their advantage. Based on Devon Minchin’s novel, this thriller has authentic blue (and white) collar atmosphere, characters and acting, but is low on action and excitement. The 2004 French movie CASH TRUCK sounds very similar.

MONEY TRAIN (1995 US) D: JOSEPH RUBEN W: DOUG RICHARDSON/DAVID LOUGHERY P: NEIL CANTON/JON PETERS Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson are foster brothers working as NYC transit cops. After what seems like hours of uninteresting character stuff (and a subplot involving Chris Cooper as Torch), they both end up on a runaway security train loaded with cash. For thrills, it’s hardly THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE. Ruben has proven in the past that he does have talent (DREAMSCAPE), but the script is just lousy. They should have concentrated on the intriguing Torch subplot. With Jennifer Lopez, Robert Blake, Joe Grifasi, Skipp Sudduth, Aida Turturro, Vincent Pastore, Ennio Colantoni, Bill Nunn, Steven Randazzo, José Zuniga, Larry Gilliard Jr and Flex Alexander.

THE MONITORS (1969 US) D: JACK SHEA W: MYRON J. GOLD P: BERNARD SAMLINS A race of intelligent aliens monitor and police the human race in this bizarre satire filmed in Chicago. Guy Stockwell is a pilot fed-up with his fellow man’s complacency and heads an underground resistance, despite the fact that the monitors have made things better on Earth. This oddity has some nice ideas and an interesting cast, but is more irritating than anything else. The tv commercials and jingles (“they help the young and old, they cured the common cold”) endorsing the monitors are the best parts. With Avery Schreiber, Sherry Jackson, Keenan Wynn, Larry Storch, Peter Boyle, Alan (and little Adam) Arkin, Ed Begley, Xavier Cugat, Jackie Vernon, Stubby Kaye and Illinois Senator Everett Dirksen. The photography is by Vilmos Zsigmond (who was still shooting Al Adamson flicks around the same time). It’s based on a novel by Keith Laumer. Director Shea was later president of the Director’s Guild of America (DGA) from 1997–2002.

MONKEY KUNG FU See: STROKE OF DEATH

MONKEY SHINES: AN EXPERIMENT IN FEAR (ella) (1988 US) D/W: GEORGE A. ROMERO P: CHARLES EVANS A quadriplegic law student in Boston is given an experimental little monkey to help him with things he can’t do in his wheelchair. He soon develops a psychic link with the monkey and it starts killing people for him. Romero’s wife plays a nurse. With Janine Turner, Joyce Van Patten, Stanley Tucci, Melanie Verlin, Stephen Root and Tom Savini FX. Based on Michael Stewart’s novel. It’s actually pretty good, but like THE DARK HALF it’s Romero at less than full power, and is overlong.

MONKS GO CRAZY See: WAR OF THE SHAOLIN TEMPLE

MONOLITH (1993 US GERMANY) D/P: JOHN EYRES W: STEPHEN LISTER P: GEOFF GRIFFITHS Bill Paxton and Lindsay Frost are bickering cops who uncover some kind of conspiracy involving ancient aliens on Earth. It doesn’t make much sense and is mostly boring. John Hurt is fun to watch as the main villain, though. With Lou Gossett Jr.

THE MONOLITH MONSTERS (1957 US) D: JOHN SHERWOOD W: NORMAN JOLLEY/ROBERT M. FRESCO/ JACK ARNOLD P: HOWARD CHRISTIE After a meteor crashes in a small desert community, small crystal-like rock fragments are discovered. Not only do they absorb the moisture from humans turning them to stone, but when it rains they grow to enormous size and topple onto buildings and destroy stuff. The smaller fragments from the wreckage also grow and the unstoppable cycle threatens to destroy the town. It’s a great sci-fi concept and this is a neat b/w quickie that could use a modern big-budget remake. With Lola Albright, Les Tremayne, William Schallert, Trevor Bardette, Richard H. Cutting, Steve Darrell, Troy Donahue and Paul Frees narrating the intro. Sherwood also helmed THE CREATURE WALKS AMONG US (1956).

MONSTER (1980) See: HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (1980)

MONSTER! (1999 US) D: JOHN LAFIA W: RONNIE CHRISTENSEN P: BOB ROE M. Emmet Walsh is a cantankerous old ex-film star famous for his monster movies of the past. He’s in a mental hospital because he claims his home town is stuck in a timewarp where all the residents lose their memories and that there is in fact a real monster that’s about to attack again during a monster movie festival. Walsh’s grandson bails him out of the hospital and becomes a reluctant hero following his grandfather’s kooky monster movie rules. It’s not much, but this (SCREAM inspired) postmodern monster movie is likeable, with the casting of Walsh to its advantage. It also pokes fun at white teens who ridiculously act like black gangsta rappers (I wish more films addressed this irritating trend). There’s also a clip from THE COLOSSUS OF NEW YORK.

MONSTER A-GO GO (terror at halfday) (1965 US) D/W/P: BILL REBANE/HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS W: JEFF SMITH/DOK STANFORD A space capsule riddled with radiation returns to Earth and the surviving astronaut mutates into “the world’s tallest man” Henry Hite. A strange looking Hite kills and terrorises people while scientists try to track him down. This odd b/w sci-fi has a fun theme tune, extended narration and a ridiculous ending. Lewis was hired to film extra footage and it was added to the original nonsensical Rebane footage. It still doesn’t make any sense, but you know you have to check out a movie credited to both Lewis and Rebane (THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION). Rebane appears briefly.

MONSTER AMONG THE GIRLS See: WEREWOLF IN A GIRL’S DORIMITORY

MONSTER AND THE STRIPPER (the exotic ones) (1968 US) D/W/P: RON ORMOND P: JUNE ORMOND In what’s basically a burlesque rewrite of KING KONG, a Louisiana “swamp thing” (rockabilly singer Sleepy La Beef, looking awesome) is captured to become a New Orleans strip club attraction, and mayhem ensues. The monster beating a guy to death with his own arm and flaming nipple tassel twirlers are highlights. But everything about this exquisitely padded out and time-wasting Ormond family production (Ron, June and son Tim all have parts) is utterly charming, with a unique sense of humour (and lots of exotic dancing). The most disgusting scene involves not gore, but spittoon torture! Sadly, it was the last of the Ormonds’ exploitation films, but continued to deliver the goods with twisted Christian propaganda pictures, beginning with IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU, WHAT WILL HORSES DO?

MONSTER CITY See: WICKED CITY (1987)

THE MONSTER CLUB (1980 UK) D: ROY WARD BAKER W: EDWARD and VALERIE ABRAHAM P: MILTON SUBOTSKY This anthology is based on (and is very different from) a book by R. Chetwynd-Haynes. John Carradine is Haynes, who’s befriended by fan and vampire Vincent Price, who takes him to the title hang-out, full of people in silly monster outfits dancing around. Between musical numbers by the likes of The Pretty Things and UB40 (!), Price details the different kinds of monsters to Carradine, and tells him three short stories. The first and third are very serious and very good (better than most Amicus anthology segments), and they sandwich a silly but likeable one about a vampire dad, told by a “vampire producer” played by Subotsky (this was his final film project in the UK for ITC, before heading to Hollywood for a few rounds). Finally Carradine (and humans) are entered into the Monsters Hall of Fame, and Carradine does a bit of a dance as more music plays on stage. With Donald Pleasence, Britt Ekland, Stuart Whitman, Patrick Magee, Richard Johnson, Anthony Steel, Geoffrey Bayldon and a female stripper who removes her skin. I can see why serious Brit horror fans might resent this goofy final blast of the anthology cannon, but I found it a lot more entertaining than many, including FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE, which was also based on Haynes’ stories.

MONSTER CROCODILE See: DARK AGE

MONSTER DOG (leviathan; the bite; los perros de la muerte) (1984 SPN US PUE) D/W: “CLYDE ANDERSON” (CLAUDIO FRAGASSO) P: CARLOS AURED Alice Cooper stars in a werewolf flick shot by Italian filmmakers in Madrid. The results are awful. Vince Raven (Copper, whose real name is Vince) is a successful rock’n’roll singer who travels to his ancestral mansion in the middle of nowhere with a crew to shoot a music video. Cops warn of a pack of wild dogs that kill, seemingly under the control of a barely seen, big werewolf. Local vigilantes with guns think Vince is the beast, so intend to kill him (like they did his father years earlier). After lots of boring running around and red herrings, Cooper turns out not to be the wolf, but at the end is bitten by it and has a brief, crappy transformation scene (it looks like a latex monster mask being slowly inflated) before being shot. Cooper does at least sing one good song (Identity Crisis, which was only recently made available on disc). He also sings a crappy ballad and provides the only gore moment when he blows the top of a guy’s head off. With Ricardo Palacios, Bernabe Barta Barri and Charly Bravo.

MONSTER FROM A PREHISTORIC PLANET (gappa the triphibian monster; the giant beast gappa; daikyoju gappa) (1967 JPN) D: HARUYASU NOGUCHI W: GAN YAMAZAKI/RYUKO NAKANISHI P: MIDEO KOI Japanese remake of GORGO has a reporter and some scientists travelling to a jungle island to capture exotic animals for the newly opened “Playmate” island resort. They bring back a big egg which hatches a dino bird. Mom and dad dino attack Tokyo until their offspring is returned. With Tamio Kawaji. Like the tepid original, it’s really only for stomping monster completists. It was the Nikkatsu studio’s lone attempt at the genre.

MONSTER FROM AN UNKNOWN PLANET See: TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA

MONSTER FROM GREEN HELL (1958 US) D: KENNETH G. CRANE W: ENDRE BOHEM/LOUIS VITTES P: AL ZIMBALIST Some scientists (including star Jim Davis) shoot a variety of animals into space to see how they will cope with radiation. The rocket crashlands off the coast of Africa on its return, so it’s time for an expedition there to find out what happened. Of course the actors never left LA (and Bronson Canyon) so generous amounts of stock footage from 1939’s STANLEY AND LIVINGSTONE is used. The only animals that seem to have survived the crash are the wasps, and they’ve become giants that hover around terrorising the wildlife and the natives. In the colour climax of this b/w movie, these cool FX creations are (jerkily) animated. The wasps make this very average 50s monster movie enjoyable. With Jeol Fluella, Eduardo Ciannelli and Vladimir Sokoloff. From the director of THE MANSTER.

MONSTER FROM THE OCEAN FLOOR (monster maker) (1954 US) D: WYATT ORDUNG W: WILLIAM DANCH P: ROGER CORMAN One of Corman’s first production credits (for Lippert) has a bunch of scientists looking for a new food source in the sea. A female artist convinces them that there’s a monster responsible for recent disappearances. A rarely-seen octopus monster with one big glowing eye is pretty cool looking, and eventually killed with a minisubmarine rammed into its eye. But the rest of it is slow-going (at only 60+ mins). Corman appears briefly on screen, and Ordung (who wrote ROBOT MONSTER and also directed WALK THE DARK STREET [1956]) has an important role. With Jonathan Haze (LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS) and Inez Palange. Floyd Crosby provided the b/w photography.

MONSTER FROM THE SURF (beach girls and the monster; invisible terror; surf terror) (1964 US) D: JON HALL W: JOAN DANIS/DON MARQUIS/ROBERT SILLIPHANT P: EDWARD JANIS A monster with a fish head, claws and covered in seaweed kills girls on the beach (“she’s all clawed up”). This ridiculous b/w teen horror (that looks like it’s from the previous decade) has lots of time-wasting surf footage (apparently in colour, but not in the version I saw), terrible dialogue, dancing on the beach and cool surf instrumentals (music by Frank Sinatra Jr.). The identity of the monster may surprise you. Hall also did the photography (which he’s most famous for) and has a major part. You just might enjoy it. “There’s a monster in the surf yeah yeah yeah…”.

MONSTER HUNTER See: ABSURD

MONSTER IN THE CLOSET (1983 US) D/W: BOB DAHLIN P: PETER L. BERQUIST/MICHAEL BILLOT/ TERRNCE COREY/ROBERT ROCK This fun 50s inspired horror movie spoof is one of the best things Troma ever released (in 1986). A couple of scientists try to outwit a big monster (Kevin Peter Hall in a suit) who hides in people’s closets. John Carradine has a cameo as a blind man. With Stella Stevens, Paul Dooley, Howard Duff, Henry Gibson, Claude Akins, Jesse White, Donald Moffatt, Paul Walker and Benny Baker and a genuinely funny PSYCHO shower scene gag (now that’s a rarity). “It was closet that killed the beast”.

MONSTER MAKER See: MONSTER FROM THE OCEAN FLOOR

MONSTER MOUNTAIN (1976) See: BLOOD BEAST OF MONSTER MOUNTAIN

MONSTER MOUNTAIN (2010) See: BEHEMOTH

THE MONSTER OF PIEDRAS BLANCAS (1958 US) D: IRVING BERWICK W: H. HAILE CHACE P: JACK KEVAN In one of the better 50s man-in-a-monstersuit movies, a 7-feet tall amphibious monster (kinda like the CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON with a scarier face) decapitates people in a small fishing village and sucks their blood. Two surprisingly graphic (for 58) scenes involving decapitated heads make this enjoyable b/w horror flick memorable. Les Tremayne is the young hero with a girlfriend who’s old, lonely, selfless father is resigned to running the lighthouse and feeding the creature meat scraps. A love scene copies FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (1953). Berwick’s son Wayne is also in the cast, and would grow up to direct MICROWAVE MASSACRE.

MONSTER OF TERROR See: DIE, MONSTER, DIE!

MONSTER OF VENICE See: THE EMBALMER

MONSTER ON THE CAMPUS (1958 US) D: JACK ARNOLD W: DAVID DUNCAN P: JOSEPH GERSHENSON College professor Arthur Franz takes delivery of a prehistoric fish from Madagascar. A dog that drinks the water in which it was contained devolves into a wolf with fangs (temporarily). A dragonfly that stings the fish becomes huge for a short while. Likewise when Franz cuts himself on the thing’s teeth (and later drips its blood into his tobacco pipe!), he transforms into a were-like beast that kills. Pretty silly but somewhat enjoyable b/w monster movie. With Troy Donahue, Whit Bissell, Eddie Parker (as the transformed Franz monster), Joanna Moore, Nancy Walter, Ross Elliott and Hank Patterson.

MONSTERS (2010 UK) D/W: GARETH EDWARDS P: ALLAN NIBLO/JAMES RICHARDSON In the near future an “infection zone” between the US and Mexico is a no man’s land quarantine, home to tentacled aliens from somewhere that we know nothing about. Photojournalist Scoot McNairy escorts his editor’s daughter Whitney Able from Central America back across the border. Ignore the title, this remarkable low-budget achievement (shot on-the-go with cheap equipment, and heavily improvised) is an engaging road movie with apocalyptic sci-fi trappings (Edwards’ VFX background assures the excellence of these elements). As well as a great watch, it is an inspiration for aspiring filmmakers.

MONSTERS CRASH THE PAJAMA PARTY (1964 US) D/W/P: DAVID L. HEWITT W: JAY LISTER Very silly featurette (30 mins or so) was made for screening at live spook shows. A “mad doctor” (it says so on his lab coat) introduces us to his old, supposedly haunted house. Then a man-in-a-suit gorilla features in some skits while a narrator reads the credits. Then the story starts as some sorority girls prepare to spend the night in the old house as an initiation ceremony. Their joking, unfunny boyfriends return to scare them with monster masks, but mad doctor Nick McGhee’s creations (the gorilla, a vampire woman, a werewolf and a hunchback) have already struck. One girl is put on an operating table and turned into a gorilla (she’s still wearing a negligee!). Like most Hewitt productions, it’s cheap and half-assed and has terrible corny comedy, but it’s kinda charming and when the monsters run out into the audience you’ll wish you’d seen it as it was meant to be seen. Failing that, check out Something Weird’s excellent MONSTERS… SPOOK SHOW SPECTACULAR dvd featuring a Hypnoscope intro, a great classroom film called DON’T BE AFRAID, the 3D bits from ASYLUM OF THE INSANE and lots of other bonus goodies (and Bert I. Gordon’s TORMENTED for some reason).

MONSTERS FROM THE MOON See: ROBOT MONSTER

MONSTER SHARK (devil fish; red ocean; devouring waves; shark rosso nell’oceano; apocalypse dans l’ocean rouge) (1984 ITL FRA) D: “JOHN OLD JR.” (LAMBERTO BAVA) W: GIANFRANCO CLERICI/”MARTIN DOLMAN” (SERGIO MARTINO)/”LEWIS COATES” (LUIGI COZZI)/HERVE PICCINI/DARDANO SACCHETTI P: MINO LOY Lamberto used an elaboration on his father’s WHIP AND THE BODY (1963) pseudonym for this shark attack horror movie. Actually a shark/octopus combo. Michael Sopkiw (of BLASTFIGHTER) stars, with William Berger, Dagmar Lassander, Gianni Garko, Geoffredo Unger and a most unconvincing “fifth generation” hi-tech computer. Pretty bad.

THE MONSTER SHOW See: FREAKS

THE MONSTER THAT CHALLENGED THE WORLD (1957 US) D: ARNOLD LAVEN W: PAT FIELDER/DAVID DUNCAN P: JULES V. LEVY/ARTHUR GARDNER Atomic bomb experiments by the Navy results in a crack opening in Southern California’s Salton Sea bed. A worm/caterpillar-look monster (actually a mollusc of some kind) that drains victims of blood and moisture and secretes a radioactive white goo is released. Commander Tim Holt thinks they’ve killed it, but it has many friends, and they lay eggs. The creature is pretty cool, and has a sense of menace while threatening a little girl and her love interest secretary mom in a lab during the final reel. I never got the feeling that it challenged the world though. Enjoyable b/w monster movie is no classic, but far from the worst of its kind, and quite endearing to me ever since I battled sleep to stay-up and watch it on late-night tv as a kid. With Hans Conried, Harlan Warde, Gordon Jones, Jody McCrea, Charles Tannen, Hal Taggart, Milton Parsons, John Close, William Forrest and Daniel McMahon. The coroner keeping his lunch in a morgue drawer is a surprisingly ghoulish gag for the time, and there are hints of black comedy elsewhere, too. Duncan (credited with original story) was a novelist and screenwriter who wrote THE BLACK SCORPION from the same year. His most famous screen credit was adapting H.G. Wells for the classic THE TIME MACHINE. The same people (more-or-less) churned out THE VAMPIRE and THE RETURN OF DRACULA the same year.

THE MONSTER WALKS (1932 US) D: FRANK STRAYER W: ROBERT ELLIS P: CLIFF BROUGHTON A group of relatives arrive at an old dark house during a storm for the clichéd reading of the will murder mystery story. What makes this cheap b/w quickie different (if not any better) is that a large chimp (called an “ape” by characters trying to make him seem more menacing) kept in a cage in the basement escapes. The other main suspect is the weird butler Hans (Mischa Auer). With Rex Lease, a comic relief black chauffeur who’s always scared (Sleep’n’Eat aka Snowflake aka Willie Best), Martha Mattox, Vera Reynolds, Sheldon Lewis and Sidney Bracey. This and Strayer’s more well known THE VAMPIRE BAT were both in the first of the Forgotten Horrors books.

MONSTERWOLF (2010 US) D: TODOR CHAPKANOV W: CHARLES BOLON P: KENNETH M. BADISH/DANIEL LEWIS Robert Picardo wants to dynamite sacred Native American land for oil. A wolf beast emerges from a stone ring portal (with a blue flame) to kill the transgressors in this typically lousy Syfy tv picture with poor CGI FX. Leonor Varda is the local sheriff’s daughter and lawyer for Picardo who sees the error of her ways. With Jason London and Marc Macaulay. There is a brief scene-setting animated sequence. Shot in Louisiana.

MONSTER ZERO (godzilla vs monster zero; invasion of the astro monster; kaiju daisenso) (1965 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: SHINICHI SEKIZAWA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA One of the worst and least enjoyable Godzilla entries. Aliens ask Earth for help when King Ghidorah attacks. We send Godzilla and Rodan, but the evil aliens (from Planet X) use all three to attack Earth. It stars Nick Adams (also in FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD) whose drug addiction had got pretty bad at this point (he od’d two years later). With Akira Takarada, Akira Kubo, Jun Tazaki, Kumi Mizuno, Yoshifumi Tajima and Shoichi Hirose. It was shot back to back with GHIDRAH (with the same monsters plus Mothra).

MONSTROSITY See: THE ATOMIC BRAIN

MONSTURD (2002 US) D/W/P: RICK POPKO/DAN WEST An escaped convict is shot dead in the sewers and falls into sludge that turns him into a big man-in-a-suit turd monster. Local authorities refuse to stop the upcoming chilli cook-off contest, even though the monster will crawl up the u-bend to attack people on the john! Cops suit up in diaper “body armour” at the end to flush the smelly creature out. I’ll admit that this extremely juvenile comedy thoroughly entertained me for the most part. Popko and West play deputies, and Mark Pirro is a police sketch artist. There’s a SOUTH PARK spoof cartoon on tv and a theme song during the end credits. Apparently it only cost $3,000, which is most impressive. Followed by RETARDEAD.

MONTANA (nothing personal; double gauntlet) (1997 US) D: JENNIFER LEITZES W: ERICH and JON HIEBER P: SEAN COOLEY/ZANE W. LEVITT/MARK YELLEN I hated this depressing crime thriller with “hip”, cruel dark comedy. If it was funny or exciting I wouldn’t mind. Kyra Sedgwick and Stanley Tucci work for Robbie Coltrane’s crime syndicate. Missing money, a dead son and a runaway sex slave (Robin Tunney) are plot elements. With Phillip Seymour Hoffman, John Ritter, Etah Embry, Mark Boone Jr., Paul Calderon, Ajay Naidu and Reiner Schone. Ken Kelsch (a name familiar from some of Abel Ferrara’s movies) did the photography.

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL (1974 UK) D/W: TERRY GILLIAM/TERRY JONES W: GRAHAM CHAPMAN/JOHN CLEESE/ERIC IDLE/MICHAEL PALIN P: MICHAEL WHITE/MARK FORSTATER The Pythons’ first real movie is their least funny, but is still very amusing in places. The knights that say “nee” etc. Graham Chapman is King Arthur and Gilliam appears in a funny scene as an animator who has a sudden heart attack. With Connie Booth, Carol Cleveland, Neil Innes and Patsy Kensit.

MONTY PYTHON’S LIFE OF BRIAN (life of brian) (1979 US) D/W: TERRY JONES W: GRAHAM CHAPMAN/JOHN CLEESE/TERRY GILLIAM/ERIC IDLE/MICHAEL PALIN P: JOHN GOLDSTEIN The second python feature (discounting AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT…) is excellent. Graham Chapman is Brian, a Jew mistaken for Christ. Too many funny scenes to mention, the most famous being the controversial Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life ending. As well as the Circus, the cast includes Spike Milligan, Carol Cleveland, Neil Innes, Kenneth Colley and George Harrison. Gilliam provided the animation for the opening credits.

MONTY PYTHON’S THE MEANING OF LIFE (1983 UK) D/W: TERRY JONES/TERRY GILLIAM W: GRAHAM CHAPMAN/JOHN CLEESE/ERIC IDLE/ MICHAEL PALIN P: JOHN GOLDSTONE The last Python movie may get stick from fans, but it remains a hilarious series of sketches that include swearing, nudity and violence on a level not previously tolerated from the long-ago fashionable (but still very funny) comedy team. No one forgets Mr. Creosote (director Jones) puking and exploding in a restaurant, and there are many more spot on sketches that represent not a sell-out phenomena in decline, but a more mature, world-weary bunch of resourceful comedians in their prime. Bravo! “Can we have your liver then?”. Gilliam directed the Crimson Permanent Assurance opening short. With Carol Cleveland, Simon Jones, Matt Frewer and Nigel Hawthorne.

MOON (2008 UK) D/W: DUNCAN JONES W: NATHAN PARKER P: STUART FENEGAN/TRUDIE STYLER Sam Rockwell is approaching the end of his three-year contract as the sole human manning a lunar base harvesting Helium-3 energy for the Earth, with only a computer voiced by Kevin Spacey for company. One day he discovers his double in a crashed module. Some people went overboard praising this visually impressive (especially for only $5m) feature debut from David Bowie’s son, but if you go in with lowered expectations and expect nothing more than a simple, linear story, you will find it worthwhile. With Benedict Wong and Matt Berry. The disc also contains Jones’ short (about 30 mins) WHISTLE. Ambitious, interesting, but a dud.

MOONBASE (1997 US) D/W: PAOLO MAZZUCATO W: BRIAN DiMUCCIO/DINO VINDENI P: DONALD P. BORCHERS Convicts escape from a future space penitentiary, smuggle themselves on-board a garbage disposal pod and end up on the moon, now a giant refuse dump with a small crew working it. Scott Plank is the hero who goes head-tohead against them and Kurt Fuller is a loud, cowardly turncoat. With Jocelyn Seagrove, Samantha Phillips, George “Buck” Flower, Andre Rosey Brown, Stack Pierce, a Sonny Bono joke and a funny story about Neil Armstrong. Haven’t you seen enough claustrophobic space siege action videos by now?

MOON DOLLS See: NUDE ON THE MOON

MOON 44 (intruder) (1990 W.GER) D/W/P: ROLAND EMMERICH W: OLIVER BERBLE/P.J. MITCHELL W/P: DEAN HEYDE In the year 2038, the Earth is stripped of all resources, so moon colonies are used for mining. Pirates keep attacking these colonies and killing everyone who works there (mostly nerdy kids) so they send up muscle-bound convicts to work as fighter pilots to defend the place. The nerds and the macho men hate each other but must learn to cooperate to navigate fighter ships (not-at-all-exciting action sequences). Michael Pare is an undercover Internal Affairs agent who smokes a lot. He discovers Major Malcolm McDowell is up to no good. This expensive production was filmed in English by a future director of major blockbuster American hits (along with cast member Dean Devlin). It’s watchable, but in retrospect doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense. With Brian Thompson, Stephen Geoffreys (from 976 EVIL), Roscoe Lee Brown, Leon Rippy, Lisa Eichorn, Jochen Nickel and Renee Estevez.

MOONLIGHT DRIVE See: CLAY PIGEONS

MOON OF THE WOLF (1972 US) D: DANIEL PETRIE W: ALVIN SAPINSLEY P: EVERETT CHAMBERS/PETER THOMAS Very boring tv werewolf movie has Louisiana sheriff David Janssen investigating a brutal murder on the bayou. The locals go hunting wild dogs. Other suspects are wealthy Bradford Dillman and poor Geoffrey Lewis. With Barbara Rush and Royal Dano. Based on a novel by Leslie H. Whitten.

MOON OVER HARLEM (1939 US) D/P: EDGAR G. ULMER W: “SHERLE CASTLE” (SHIRLEY ULMER)/ MATHEW MATHEWS Alfred N. Sack was the uncredited executive producer of this b/w Harlem drama about a gold-digging, no-good heel (Percy “Bud” Harris) and his new marriage to a nice girl with an inheritance, so you know it’s a non-political programmer with normal, non-stereotyped modern black characters. No one else would really make these kind of movies until Charles Barnett (TO SLEEP WITH ANGER). It’s also interesting for Edgar G. Ulmer fans to see how versatile he could be in terms of subject matter. Shirley Ulmer often worked on the scripts for her husband’s movies.

MOONRAKER (1979 UK FRA) D: LEWIS GILBERT W: CHRISTOPHER WOOD P: ALBERT R. BROCCOLI Drax (Michael Lonsdale) wants to kill everyone on Earth so he can repopulate the planet with a master race he’s busy cloning on a huge space station. This pretty wild central premise and big, expensive sets and FX doesn’t prevent this very sci-fi Roger Moore James Bond outing from being a pile of crap. It was Bernard Lee’s final turn as M. As well as other regulars Desmond Llewelyn and Lois Maxwell, you get Richard Kiel as Jaws (who really scared me as a kid, and is the best thing about the film), Lois Chiles (as Mary Goodhead, not the most subtle of innuendos), Corrine Clery, Geoffrey Keen, Jean-Pierre Castaldi, Walter Gotell, Arthur Howard, Alfie Bass, Broccoli, Gilbert and some second unit work from William Grefe (STING OF DEATH).

MOONSHINE HIGHWAY (dark highway) (1996 CAN) D/W/P: ANDY ARMSTRONG P: BECKY ARNTZEN Kyle MacLachlan runs moonshine for his father in this car-racing action movie. Randy Quaid is a psychotic Sheriff out to get him, and David Cronenberg (!?) makes a surprise appearance as a driver who gets blown up. Set in Tennessee in 1957, it’s nothing special but watchable enough on a slow night. With Gary Farmer, Michael Copeman, Beau Starr and J. Winston Carroll.

MOONSHINE MOUNTAIN (white trash on…) (1964 US) D/P: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS W: CHARLES GLORE Glore (aka Chuck Scott, one of the Pleasant Valley Boys in TWO THOUSAND MANIACS!) is famous country music star Doug Martin, who goes from New York City to the backwoods Stuartsville so he can return to the basic roots of folk music in Lewis’ first hillbilly movie (musical). Jeffrey Allen (the mayor in MANIACS) is the head of a friendly guitar-picking family with a big moonshine still. A sleazy, corrupt local sheriff (who had been the star of COLOR ME BLOOD RED) rapes and kills (two federal agents end up dead) when this enjoyable nonsense suddenly cranks up the action halfway through. Filmed in North Carolina, you’d be hard pushed to find a cruder, more clichéd yee-hah hillbilly flick, one that could be considered Lewis’ “family” film (he even cut out some of the original, minimal gore when he saw how many kids were present at the drive-in with their folks). With Bonnie Hinson and Pat Patterson (DR. GORE, THE ELECTRIC CHAIR), who also served as an assistant director. Lewis (“who oughta know better but don’t”) wrote the catchy theme tune White Lightnin’. He modified versions of MONSTER A GO-GO and SIN, SUFFER AND REPENT (1965) (a VD picture) next.

MOON WARRIORS (chun san chuen suet; zhan zhen chuan shui) (1992 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG W: ALEX LAW KAI YUI P: CHAN POO WAI Epic swordplay fantasy with an involved plot about princes and kingdoms’n’stuff is one of Hung’s most visually accomplished and impressive. However it’s also one of his most disappointing efforts in terms of charm, pacing and action (way too much unimaginative wirework). With Andy Lau, Anita Mui, Kenny Bee, Maggie Cheung, Chang Yi and some “heartwarming” killer whales.

MORTAL CHALLENGE See: DEATH GAME

MORTAL COMBAT See: THE CRIPPLED AVENGERS

MORTAL KOMBAT (1995 US) D: PAUL ANDERSON W: KEVIN DRONEY P: LAURI APELIAN/LAWRENCE KASANOFF This ridiculous hit martial arts/FX movie from New Line is by the British director of SHOPPING (1994). It’s based on the video game of the same name and the threadbare video game intro style plot revolves around a martial arts tournament to the death on a remote island off Hong Kong. And something to do with a battle between good and evil. Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa is the main villain. The fight scenes are terrible and the soundtrack is annoying (and don’t get me started on the wisecracks). With Christopher Lambert, Bridgette Wilson, Robin Shou, Linden Ashby, Talisa Soto, Francois Petit, Keith Cooke, Peter Jason and T.J. Storm. A sequel and a tv series followed, worse luck.

MORTUARY BLUES (shut ga chung dei; shi gu chong di) (1990 HK) D/W: JEFF LAU P: COREY YUEN KWAI A small coastal village is cursed because of a past atrocity caused in the name of treasure. An Chinese opera variety show is held on the anniversary night to dispel the curse. Childish and horny troupe members encounter spooks and zombies in this reasonably entertaining horror comedy in the same vein as Lau’s HAUNTED COP SHOP films. With Yuen Kwai, Yuen Miu, Sandra Ng, Lowell Lo, Amy Yip, Tai Bo, Chung Faat, Peter Chan Lung, Charlie Cho Cha Lee, a hunchback and lots of toilet jokes.

MOSAIC See: FRANKENSTEIN ’80

MOSQUITO (bloodlust: the vampire of nuremberg; mosquito der schander) (1976 SWITZ) D: MARIJAN DAVID VAJDA W: MARIO D’ALLALA Werner Pochtath is excellent as a traumatised deaf-mute office worker who’s pushed over the edge by the cruel teasing of his co-workers. He visits a morgue and cuts up the recently dead female corpses with his knife. He removes one corpse’s head, and the eyeballs from another. He goes one step further when he buys a glass straw and uses it to drink blood from the dead, and his murder victims. Scenes of Pochtath slurping blood like milkshake (and in one instance dribbling it over a dead person’s face) are disturbing and unforgettable. He also collects dolls. This eerie, dreamlike obscurity is well made and pretty fascinating (it’s based on a true story). It should be as well known as George A. Romero’s similar MARTIN (made around the same time). With Ellen Umlauf, some surprising nudity, a spooky soundtrack and odd dialogue on the English-language dub.

MOSQUITO (blood fever; night swarm; skeeter) (1994 US) D/W: GARY JONES W: TOM CHANEY/ STEVE HODGE W: DAVE THIRY/ERIC PASCARELLI A spaceship lands in a pond and the result is giant killer mosquitoes in this fun monster bug movie. A couple arrive at a campsite to find nothing but (very cool looking) dried-up corpses. A government agent, park ranger Ron Asheton (former guitarist for The Stooges) and escaped cons led by Gunnar Hansen are other survivors who must avoid getting large proboscises stabbed into them. During a NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD-inspired climax when the characters barricade themselves in an old house, Hansen (Leatherface himself) finds a very big chainsaw and says “I haven’t handled one of these for about 20 years”. The mosquitoes are excellent Paul Jessel stop-motion FX creations. Co-writer Chaney (who was also director of photography) directed the underrated WENDIGO (which also has Asheton, who by the way plays guitar over the end credits with The Shemps). No surprise that Jones (who later made more bug movies, like SPIDERS) used to work on Sam Raimi movies. And Josh Becker (THOU SHALT NOT KILL…EXCEPT!, LUNATICS, RUNNING TIME) appears briefly.

THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME (the hounds of zaroff) (1932 US) D: ERNEST B. SCHOEDSACK/ IRVING PICHEL W: JAMES ASHMORE CREELMAN ASSOC P: MERIAN C. COOPER EXEC P: DAVID O. SELZNICK After a shipwreck somewhere in the Pacific, sole survivor and famed big game hunter Joel McCrea finds himself on a remote island, the guest of Cossack Count Zaroff (Leslie Banks) at his old Portuguese fortress home. Other survivors from previous wrecks are Fay Wray and her alcoholic brother Robert Armstrong. Turns out that Zaroff hunts his guests to the death for sport through the island’s jungles and swamps (with the aid of great danes that were apparently loaned from Harold Lloyd, trivia fans). This 63 mins b/w RKO Pictures adaptation of Richard Connell’s immensely popular and influential 1924 short story has been imitated so much over the years (including a 1943 radio adaptation for Orson Welles’ Suspense) that it’s a little difficult for the modern viewer to appreciate its landmark status. My feeling is that it was never really a true “classic”, but a good, memorable potboiler that sparked the collective imagination. With Noble Johnson in whiteface as the mute servant Ivan, William B. Davidson, Steve Clemente, Dutch Hendrian, James Flavin, Hale Hamilton, Landers Stevens and Phil Tead. Buster Crabbe (prior to his starring debut, KING OF THE JUNGLE) was McCrea’s stunt-double. The jungle sets will be familiar to you from KING KONG, which was shot about the same time (but released later) by Schoedsack, Cooper & Co. Henry Gerrard was the cinematographer, and Max Steiner provided a fine score, as usual. Early review prints featured more gruesome sights in the trophy room, which were soon cut out (and are forever lost as far as i know). It was Pichel’s first feature credit, he later co-directed SHE (1935) for Cooper (and is remembered nowadays mostly for DESTINATION MOON). A GAME OF DEATH (1945) was the first official remake (see the 2014 book Hounds Of Zaroff: The Most Dangerous Game As A Persistent Muse To The Movies for more). In 2007, Ray Harryhausen presented a 75th anniversary colourised version of MOST…

THE MOST PROHIBITED SEX See: SEXY PROBITISSIMO

MOTEL HELL (1980 US) D: KEVIN CONNOR W/P: ROBERT and STEVEN-CHARLES JAFFE W: TIM TUCHRELLO (uncredited) This bizarre down-South horror movie comes highly recommended. Brother and sister Rory Calhoun (who’s great) and Nancy Parsons run an old motel and use guests (and victims of road “accidents”) as the main ingredient of their hickory smoked meat that’s become very popular in the local towns. Before they’re killed, the unfortunate victims (including John Ratzenberger) have their vocal chords cut and are buried up to their neck in the garden, so their bodies can become enriched with natural vitamins. Calhoun is also a devout Christian (tv preachers are frequently shown) and rescues one girl from a motorcycle accident so he can marry her. Calhoun’s younger brother (Paul Linke) gets jealous leading to a climactic chainsaw duel (Calhoun wears a pig’s head during this great scene). With Wolfman Jack, Monique St. Pierre, Rosanne Keaton, a hypnowheel and a clip from THE MONSTER THAT CHALLENGED THE WORLD.

THE MOTHER See: THE UNBORN

MOTHER OF TEARS: THE THIRD MOTHER (suspiria terza; la terza madre) (2007 ITL US) D/W/P: DARIO ARGENTO W: JACE ANDERSON/ADAM GIERASCH P: CLAUDIO ARGENTO The long-awaited follow up to SUSPIRIA and INFERNO disappointed Argento fans no end. After an urn is unearthed, the titular witch spreads evil in Rome (random acts of violence and homicide, a gaggle of laughing goths walking through an airport — what!?!). Only Asia Argento (who receives advice from the ghost of dead, good witch mom Daria Nicolodi) can stop the chaos (ultimately by very easily burning a talisman, talk about an anticlimax). Sergio Stivaletti’s FX are straight out of the 80s, Claudio Simonetti’s score is unremarkable, and the less said about the dialogue and acting (in English) the better. Laughable at times, but not often enough to be worth it. Udo Kier doesn’t last long as an exorcist. With Philippe Leroy and Massimo Sarchielli.

MOTHER’S DAY (1980 US) D/W/P: CHARLES KAUFMAN W: WARREN LEIGHT P: MICHAEL KRAVITZ Three women on a college reunion camping trip in the wilderness of upstate NY are abducted, humiliated, raped and tortured by two inbred, backwoods brothers and their old mother. The tables are eventually turned in this failed spoof of DELIVERANCE/ HILLS HAVE EYES style survival slasher flicks. There are some interesting ideas and occasional gore, but neither are expanded on well enough. Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz were associate producers.

MOTHER’S DAY (2009 US.) D: DARREN LYNN BOUSMAN W: SCOTT MILAM P: BRETT RATNER/ RICHARD SAPERSTEIN/JAY STERN/BRIAN WITTEN A trio of crooks (one seriously wounded) hole up in their family home, only to find it’s been bought by a young couple, who are busy having a dinner party. A sadistic hostage situation takes place, with matriach Rebecca de Mornay soon calling the shots. Officially a remake of the 1980 picture of the same name (both Charles and Lloyd Kaufman were executive producers), this felt more like a retread of THE HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK to me. And nowhere near as good, either. Not to mention way too long at 112 mins. With Jaime King, Frank Grillo, Patrick John Flueger, Deborah Ann Wolf, Shawn Ashmore and Matt O’Leary. Bousman helmed some SAW sequels.

MOTHERS OF AMERICA See: THE GIRL FROM RIO

THE MOTHER TREE (ghost story of the breast elm; ghost of chibusa enoki; kaidan chibusa enoki) (1958 JPN) D: GORO KATANO W: TORAO TANABE Good-looking and well made, yet routine and easily forgettable 48 mins b/w horror movie about the vengeful ghost of a murdered artist in a period setting. You could do much worse, but only completists should seek it out. Based on a story by Enchou Sanyuutei.

MOTHMAN (2010 US) D: SHELDON WILSON W: SONNY LEE/PATRICK WELSH P: BRAD KREVOY/REUBEN LIBER Much lower budgeted distant cousin of the major Richard Gere vehicle THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES (based on a minor, local monster myth) that attempts to hijack the concept for its own ends. Laura Dern lookalike Jewel Staite is a reporter in Washington, DC who reluctantly returns to her West Virginia home town to cover the annual Mothman festival (a genuine event, but I think the one in the film is a reconstruction). The new slant on the myth is that the (CGI, glowing-eyed) bug-man seeks justice and vengeance, and Staite and her old friends are in danger because they covered up the death of a kid when they were teens. The beast somehow travels via reflective surfaces, but nothing is explained too well. I would welcome a decent Mothman film, but this tedious waste of time is not it. Wilson also directed the 2009 sequel to SCREAMERS.

THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES (prophecy) (2002 US) D: MARK PELLINGTON W: RICHARD HATEM P: GARY W. GOLDSTEIN/GARY LUCCHESI/TOM ROSENBERG Journalist Richard Gere loses his wife after a car accident disturbs a malignant brain tumour. Two years later he somehow ends up in Virginia with no knowledge of how he got there (from Washington in 90 mins). He investigates a series of bizarre sightings and premonitions the townsfolk have been having and uncovers a predetermined conspiracy of disaster (or something like that). Based on John A. Keel’s novel, which itself was based on events in VA 1967–68, this well made and deliberately paced supernatural thriller does have a fascinating premise (part of a bigger real-life myth) and a genuinely unforeseen conclusion, but is much too vague and confusing to work as a movie. With Laura Linney, Will Patton, Lucinda Jenney and Alan Bates. Pellington (who has a cameo as a bartender) previously made the excellent ARLINGTON ROAD, but Hatem’s previous screenplay was UNDER SIEGE 2.

MOTHRA (1960 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: SHINICHI SEKIZAWA/YOSHIE KOTTA/SHINICHIRO NAKAMURA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA When a tribe is discovered on a Pacific island thought to be deserted, an expedition sets out to investigate. A couple of six inch semiclad psychic singing women (pop singers The Peanuts; Yumi and Emi Ito) are bought back to Japan, and exploited by a ruthless showman. A big larvae monster swims to Tokyo to find the girls, cocoons and emerges as a giant, colourful moth! There’s a happy ending to this goofy-sounding but really rather good Toho monster movie with fun Eiji Tsubaraya FX. It was based on a novel by Takehiko Fukugawa. Comic actor Frankie Sakai stars as a newspaper reporter (Kurosawa regular Takashi Shimura is his editor). With Hiroshi Koizumi, Kyoko Kagawa, Ken Uehara, Tetsu Nakamura, Akihiko Hirata, Seizaburo Kawazu, Yoshifumi Tajima, Robert Dunham (a Polish-born American who directed 1966’s TIME TRAVELERS in Japan), Yoshio Kosugi, Ren Yamamoto, Kenji Sahara, Wataru Omae and Shoichi Hirose. Before returning in a three-part 90s series, Mothra returned in several Godzilla films.

MOTHRA (rebirth of mothra; queen mothra) (1996 JPN) D: OKIHIRO YONEDA W: MASUMI TSUETANI P: HIROAKI KITAYAMA In the first of a revival series spin-off from GODZILLA VS. QUEEN MOTHRA, evil miniature Aki Hano revives the three-headed monster Death Ghidorah (it’s just King Ghidorah with a different name). The two little princesses (pop duo The Peanuts in the older films; one of whom is played by Sayaha Yamaguchi here) sing the Mothra song and everyone’s favourite useless flying bug superhero appears to look pretty and let her turd-look larvae offspring do most of the work. This cheapappearance Toho series is very much aimed at children only. With Nagare Hagiwara, Akira Teraou and Hitomi Takahashi. Parts look like they were filmed with 3D in mind.

MOTHRA 2 (1997 JPN) D: KUNIO MIYOSHI W: MASUMI TSUETANI P: HIROAKI KITAYAMA Kids in Okinawa help a furry little creature called Gorgo (that has healing piss!?) defeat a sea monster called Dagara. This involves finding hidden treasure in an old temple that emerges from the sea. Mothra is no fucking use as expected. With Fumie Hosokawa, Misako Kono and Masahiro Sato.

MOTHRA 3 (1998 JPN) D: OKIHIRO YONEDA W: MASUMI TSUETANI P: SHOGO TOMIYAMA Apparently it was King Ghidorah that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, and now he’s back to give us humans the same treatment. He goes about this by putting all the kids in a big multicoloured pulsating sphere (that has worm-like veins running through it). Mothra (looking useless but loveable as always) goes back in time to kill prehistoric Ghidorah. Of course by doing this, as well as saving the kids, shouldn’t dinosaurs still be walking around? This strictly for kids sequel (note dodgy FX) is reasonably entertaining.

MOTOR PSYCHO (1965 US) D/W/P: RUSS MEYER W: WILLIAM E. SPRAGUE/JAMES GRIFFITH/ HAL HOPPER Three guys on motorcycles are knocking around in the desert causing trouble. They’re led by a crazed ’nam vet (not yet a staple of biker/revenge films) and brutally rape Alex Rocco’s wife. Rocco (who’s very good) and a hitchhiker (the amazing looking Haji) team up to get the gang, so a cat-and-mouse game in the blistering sun ensues. Not a bad mix of lurid Meyer melodrama and action, and because Meyer photographed, you know it’s going to look good. The man himself makes an appearance as the sheriff, and look for BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS director Coleman Francis. Haji returned in Meyer’s next, the famous FASTER PUSSYCAT, KILL! KILL! which borrows some elements from MOTOR PSYCHO.

THE MOUNTAIN OF THE CANNIBAL GOD (primitive desires; prisoner of the cannibal god; slave of the cannibal god; la montagna del mio cannibale) (1977 ITL) D/W: SERGIO MARTINO W: CESARE FRUGONI P: LUCIANO MARTINO Stacy Keach leads an expedition to find Ursula Andress’ missing husband in the jungles of New Guinea. As well as a primitive tribe of cannibals, they encounter crocodiles, snakes and a lizard is skinned. We also get to see a cock sliced off, reptile eating and Keach tortured by a dwarf. It’s not a bad entry in the lostcivilisation exploitation subgenre from Martino. Doesn’t offer anything new, but fans of this kind of stuff should be diverted enough to enjoy. With Franco Fantasia and Tom Felleghy.

MOUNTAINTOP MOTEL MASSACRE (mountain top motel) (1983 US) D/P: JIM McCULLOUGH JR. W/P: JIM McCULLOUGH SR. A widowed elderly mother is released from an asylum and returns to her remote motel home. She accidentally kills her little daughter with a scythe in a fit of rage. Then she completely loses it and uses secret tunnels to put snakes and roaches in the guests’ rooms, and, of course, to kill again (her daughter’s voice tells her to). One of the victims is Bill Thurman as a harddrinking reverend. This low-key horror movie has atmosphere, but is sedate to the point of boredom for the most part.

MOUTH OF MADNESS See: IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS

MOVING TARGETS (executive chaser) (1998 US CAN) D: DAVID GIANCOLA W: BRETT PIPER P: KAREN PREVS/JEFF HAIG A couple of cops protect a corrupt lawyer’s wife who’ll testify against a crime lord (top-billed Miles O’Keeffe). Keeffe and secondbilled Linnea Quigley are hardly in this silly action movie written by the director of THEY BITE. With Burt Ward and car, bus and snowmobile chases. The bus chase is stolen from RED HEAT.

MPD PSYCHO (2000 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: EIJI OOTSUKA/GICHI OOTSUKA/YUMI SIRAKURA/TAJUU JINKAKU/TANTEI SAIKO/KAZUHIKONO KIHAN P: NAOKI ABE/TOSHIHIRO SATO That’s Multiple Personality Detective, the title character played by Naoki Nakajima. This deliberately confusing comedy horror mystery weirdness played on Japanese cable tv over six 50 mins or so episodes. This review refers to a gorier director’s cut that appeared on dvd. Basically, some kind of malevolent killer seems to be able to infect many (usually young) people and induces them to kill (some victims have their exposed brain used as a flower pot). The infected can be identified by a barcode on an eyeball. The infection seems to be spread by a song from 60s counterculture musician and terrorist “Lucy Monostone” (a briefly seen Tomoroh Taguchi, looking like Shoko Asahara, leader of the Aum cult). But don’t think it’s that simple, there’s so much more going on, including animated inserts, desperate and unfunny black comedy, allusions to an alternate history/future, attempts at surrealism and bizarre yet cheap computer graphics used for unexplained things like neon “rain” showers etc. (ad nauseum). I think it’s based on a manga series by the Ootsukas. The best thing about it is Ren Osugi as a cop who visits a “snuff” movie dealer, has an affair with a schoolgirl, performs twoman comedy routines with an irritating nerd/fanboy sidekick, and almost saves the show (if watched one episode at a time; all in one sitting would be unbearable). But seeing as Osugi (a famed cat lover) is so prolific, you could just as easily sit through something better with him in. With Tomoko Nakajima, Chiaki Kuriyama, Nae Yusuki and Chiharu Kawaii.

MP3 See: TERMINAL ERROR

MUDHONEY (1965 US) D/P: RUSS MEYER W: RAYMOND FRIDAY LOCKE/W.E. SPRAGUE P: GEORGE COSTELLO B/w Depression-era Meyer melodrama is worth a look. John Furlong is an ex-con drifter from Michigan who passes through the small community of Spooner on his way to California. He gets a job on elderly Stuart Lancaster’s farm and falls in love with his daughter. But she’s married to a mean, lecherous troublemaking drunk (Hal Hopper, who’s great) who likes to party with the neighbours’ cute, horny, large-breasted blonde daughters (one of whom is mute). Lancaster says “this town’s gotta hate something or somebody” and events come to a head in the exciting climax. The photography (by Meyer, of course) is excellent, capturing the dry, arid, sweat-soaked oppressiveness.

MULHOLLAND DR. (2001 US FRANCE) D/W: DAVID LYNCH P: MARY SWEENEY/ALAIN SARDE/NEAL EDELSTEIN/TONY KRANTZ/MICHEL POLAIRE Naomi Watts is a star-struck blonde arrived in Hollywood who helps amnesiac car-crash victim Laura Elena Harring find out who she is. Justin Theroux is a movie director who’s being pressured by unknown major players to cast an actress he doesn’t want in his latest production. These are the main plot threads running through Lynch’s most abstract work to date. The fact that it was meant to be the beginning of a tv series that got canned and had to be wrapped up as a feature explains a lot (like Robert Forster’s very brief appearance). If you can appreciate its unresolved nature (I’m sure it drove some viewers up the wall), this is a rewarding experience filled with great ideas and memorable moments. With James Karen, Dan Hedaya, Ann Miller, Mark Pellegrino, Katharine Towne, Lee Grant, Billy Ray Cyrus, Lori Heuring, Angelo Badalamenti (also on the soundtrack), Missy Crider, Michele Hicks, Brent Briscoe and Tony Longo. Lynch’s next feature was the epic, wonderfully pretentious modern classic INLAND EMPIRE (2006), which makes MULHOLLAND seem almost prosaic.

THE MULLET CHRONICLES See: AMERICAN MULLET

MULTIPLE MANIACS (1970 US) D/W/P: JOHN WA TERS Divine and David Lochary run a Calvacade of Perversion in this must for Waters fans (although maybe not a good film for beginners, it’s a little slow). Their travelling backyard freak show includes stuff like The Puke Eater, and the suburbanites disgusted by the performance are usually robbed and killed. Gleefully antisocial b/w 16mm gem really set the stage for the midnight movie hit PINK FLAMINGOS. Divine is raped by a large lobster in the surreal climax. With Mink Stole (who performs a “rosary job”), Cookie Mueller, Susan Lowe, Mary Vivian Pearce and Edith Massey making her Waters debut.

MULVA: ZOMBIE ASS KICKER! (2000 US) D/W/P: CHRIS SEAVER P: MISSY DONATUTI/MIKE NICOLAI/ DOUG SAKMANN Donatuti is Mulva, a hyperirritating nerd with glasses and a weird haircut who talks non-stop with a silly voice and lisp and always seems to have chocolate syrup dripping down her chin. She and her friend are excited about Halloween, but have to compete with rival candy snatchers and the living dead. This knowing and extremely stupid Troma-inspired glorified home movie at least has the good sense to run under an hour, so might entertain those in a silly mood. It has a cameo from Debbie Rochon, cheap gore FX, the director’s voice offscreen prompting the actors and an ending filmed at Troma’s offices, featuring Lloyd Kaufman, Toxie and Sgt. Kabukiman. Director Seaver appears in blackface as Mr. Bonejack (a character some won’t be able to decide should be offensive or not) and went on to direct other cheap titles.

MUM & DAD (2008 UK) D/W: STEVEN SHEIL P: LISA TRNOVSKI A Polish girl working as a cleaner at an airport in the UK goes home with a chatty co-worker and her mute brother, only to find herself drugged, shackled and tortured by their fucked-up killer parents. Perry Benson is amusing as the head of the twisted household. Ignore overenthusiastic horror fanboys lest you get your hopes up too high, but this is an ok, sick shaggy-dog story, quite entertaining as far as it goes. The BBC were involved in backing it, surprisingly.

THE MUMMY (1932 US) D: KARL FREUND W: JOHN L. BALDERSTON/NINA WILCOX PUTNAM/RICHARD SCHAYER P: CARL LAEMMLE JR. German cinematographer Freund’s directorial debut was the third Universal horror standard of the early 30s (after DRACULA and FRANKENSTEIN). It’s less dynamic than FRANKENSTEIN, but has dated far better than DRACULA. Boris Karloff stars as the long-mummified thief Imoteph who escapes the mummy wrap and disguises himself as Ardeth Bey to win the heart of the gorgeous Zita Johann, the modern-day incarnation of his lost love. Quite dreamy and romantic, it benefits from Freud’s great b/w photography. With Edward Van Sloan, Noble Johnson, C. Montague Shaw, Pat Somerset, Leonard Mudie, Henry Victor, Leyland Hodgson and Eddie Keane. In 1940, Universal restarted the series with the less impressive but ok THE MUMMY’S HAND, featuring Tom Tyler as Kharis. It led to increasingly diminished sequels, THE MUMMY’S TOMB (1942), THE MUMMY’S GHOST and THE MUMMY’S CURSE (both 1944).

THE MUMMY (1959 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: JIMMY SANGSTER P: MICHAEL CARRERAS Cracking colour Hammer remake of the horror standard is a lot of fun. Christopher Lee is Kharis, the mummy who returns to life to steal archaeologist Peter Cushing’s wife, the reincarnation of his lost love. Nothing new is added to the story, but it’s fast-paced, suspenseful and has a gory set-up sequence detailing why and how Kahris was mummified. With Eddie Byrne, Michael Ripper, Felix Aylmer, Raymond Huntely, George Woodbridge, Harold Goodwin and John Stuart. Another great version followed forty years later.

MUMMY (1997) See: BRAM STOKER’S LEGEND OF THE MUMMY

THE MUMMY (hamanuptra) (1999 US) D/W: STEPHEN SOMMERS W: LLOYD FONVIELLE/KEVIN JARRE P: SEAN DANIEL/JAMES JACKS In a great precredit sequence we see how Imoteph (Arnold Vosloo from the DARKMAN sequels) is mummified alive (with hundreds of carnivorous insects) after sleeping with the pharoah’s daughter. Cut to 3,000 years later: Brendan Fraser is an American soldier who discovers the site of this bloodshed, the famed city of Hamanuptra, which contains treasure. Three years after that he leads love interest Rachel Weisz and her brother John Hannah on an expedition there. A slimy local in a fez leads a rival expedition and, of course, a mummy (great FX) is released (as well as some plagues) to kill. This old-fashioned (down to the fact that the only good characters are British or American, unfortunately) fantasy adventure (kind of a mix of INDIANA JONES, SINBAD and BLADE) is lots of fun, with plenty of mummies, bugs and perilous situations to keep you on the edge of your seat. And the comic relief is not annoying for a change. With Kevin J. O’Connor, Jonathan Hyde, Erick Avari and Patricia Velasquez.

THE MUMMY AND THE CURSE OF THE JACKALS (1969 US) D: OLIVER DRAKE W/P: WILLIAM C. EDWARDS Anthony Eisley has himself locked in a small, rundown house overnight with the body of an Egyptian princess, perfectly preserved in a glass case. A full moon results in his (time lapse) transformation into a were-jackal (pretty good makeup, including clawed hands). When the princess’ case is cracked, she revives and summons a mummy (with one bug eye) who was once a slave in love with her (a long flashback illustrates this). John Carradine co-stars in what is a very low-budget oddity that was apparently never completed, never released to theatres (or tv), and turned up on tape in 1985. It was made by Vegas International, who also released Drake’s sex western A WILD RIDE and DRACULA, THE DIRTY OLD MAN (1969) (which used the same jackal mask). Wyatt Ordung was an assistant director, and some of the music (especially the theme) is great. It’s set in Nevada, so my favourite parts have the monsters roaming the crowded streets of Las Vegas.

THE MUMMY RETURNS (hamanuptra 2) (2001 US) D/W: STEPHEN SOMMERS P: JAMES JACKS/SEAN DANIEL Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz return to do battle with the resurrected Imoteph (Arnold Vosloo), who is trying to bring back the apocalyptical Scorpion King (played by WWF wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson). Heroic God’s army leader Oded Fehr and comic relief Shaun Parkes (HUMAN TRAFFIC) and John Hannah are on the good guys’ side. Patricia Velasquez, Alun Armstrong and Aharon Ipale are bad guys. It’s more lavish, FX-driven action adventure to eat popcorn to. But the comic relief is so bad and the FX and CGI so digital-looking that it fails to be as entertaining as the original. With Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. Spin-off THE SCORPION KING, a MUMMY animated tv series and a disappointing third movie (2008) followed.

THE MUMMY’S SHROUD (1967 UK) D/W: JOHN GILLING W: “JOHN ELDER” (ANTHONY HINDS) P: ANTHONY NELSON KEYS Lousy Hammer flick does benefit from a scary mummy that even disintegrates into a cool skeleton, but everything else is very second rate. André Morell stars. With Michael Ripper, Catherine Lacey and Andreas Malandrinos.

THE MUMMY THEME PARK (attack the mummy) (2000 ITL) D/W/P: “AL PASSERI” (MASSIMILANO CERCHI) W: ANTONY PEDICIN A lecherous, business-minded sheik invites an American photographer and his female assistant to come and cover his new theme park in Egypt. The impressive complex is built in a deep fissure that everyone thinks was caused by an earthquake. But we know it was caused by a traitorous sorceress who worships the statue of a jackal and wants to see the theme park (built around a cursed tomb) destroyed. This bizarre, ultra-low budget horror adventure (comedy?) has some real laughable sets and FX, but on the other hand has some oddly effective moments that make you think that the filmmakers have their tongues firmly in cheek. The theme park with real live mummies is a pretty cool idea and I wish it existed. The intentional humour and time-wasting harem cat-fights are bad points. A real mix from the director of CREATURES FROM THE ABYSS.

MURDER ALLIGATOR See: KILLER CROCODILE

MURDER AT 1600 (1997 US) D: DWIGHT H. LITTLE W: WAYNE BEACH/DAVID HODGIN P: ARNOLD KOPELSON/ARNON MILCHAN Homicide detective Wesley Snipes and Diane Lane uncover a conspiracy in the White House while investigating a murder in that institution’s bathroom. Ok action thriller has no great shakes or surprises, but rattles along ok. With Alan Alda, Daniel Benzali, Dennis Miller, Ronny Cox, Tate Donovan, Harris Yulin, Nigel Bennett, Douglas O’Keeffe, John Bourgeois, Richard Blackburn, Victor Ertmanis, Richard Fitzpatrick, Dan Duran, Sandi Stahlbrand, Tino Monte, Aron Tager, Diane Baker, Tom Wright, Nicholas Pryor and Charles Rocket.

MURDER AT THE BASKERVILLES See: SILVER BLAZE

MURDER BY DEATH (1976 US) D: ROBERT MOORE W: NEIL SIMON P: RAY STARK The world’s greatest detectives (Peter Falk, Eileen Brennan, David Niven and Peter Sellers as an Asian) arrive at a remote mansion to solve the murder of their host Truman Capote. Alec Guiness is the blind butler, just one of the considerably less-than-hilarious jokes in this woeful, ill-advised mystery comedy. With Elsa Lanchester, Maggie Smith, Nancy Walker and James Cromwell. There was a sequel, THE CHEAP DETECTIVE.

MURDER BY DECREE (sherlock holmes and saucy jack) (1979 CAN UK) D/P: BOB CLARK W: JOHN HOPKINS P: RENE DUPONT/ROBERT A. GOLDSTON Christopher Plummer is Sherlock Holmes and James Mason is Watson (great casting) in this extremely good update of A STUDY IN TERROR (1965), in which the duo investigate the murders of Jack the Ripper. Very well researched and full of telling details, it may also surprise fans of Clark’s earlier horror films by it’s conventional, reserved storytelling style. With David Hemmings, John Gielgud, Anthony Quayle, Frank Finlay, Donald Sutherland, Genevieve Bujold and Chris Wiggins. Clark made the badly received Jack Lemmon stage play adaption TRIBUTE (1980) next, before sparking off a generation of teen hormones with the classic PORKY’S.

MURDER BY MAIL See: SCHIZOID

MURDER BY PHONE See: BELLS

MURDER BY TELEVISION (the houghland murder case) (1935 US) D: CLIFFORD SANFORTH W: JOSEPH O’DONNELL P: CAMEO PRODUCTIONS INC. A professor drops dead during a live television demonstration. Who could have sneaked out of the room and killed him? Bela Lugosi is the chief suspect. Intriguing gimmick (tv was still very much unbelievable at the time) is wasted on another formulaic b/w whodunnit mystery. Not bad for what it is, but could have been so much more. With Huntley Gordon, George Meeker, Charles Hill Mailes, Hattie McDaniel, Charles K. French and Henry Hull.

MURDER.COM (mobius; shuttle jacker) (1997 US) D/W/P: NOEL STERRETT W: MONICA SANDBURG/ STEPHEN ECKELBERRY A computer hacker is interrogated in cyberspace and he relates this sleep inducing thriller about viruses, a space shuttle and national defence. Some of the acting is awful.

THE MURDERER (2010) See: THE YELLOW SEA

MURDER, INC. See: THE ENFORCER (1951)

MURDER INFERNO See: THE BOSS

MURDER IN LAW (milly) (1989 US) D/W: TONY JITI GILL W/P: STEPHEN A. CARTER An elderly woman escapes (easily) from a mental asylum and starts killing people after she moves in with her son (Joe Estvez)’s family (who think she’s been in Paris!). This stupid tv horror movie is really boring and Estevez is surprisingly restrained.

MURDER IN THE RED BARN See: MARIA MARTEN

MURDER NET See: 3 BLIND MICE

MURDER OF MURDERS See: THE MASSIVE

MURDER ON DIAMOND ROW See: THE SQUEAKER (1937)

MURDER ON FLIGHT 502 (1975 US) D: GEORGE McCOWAN W: DAVID P. HARMON P: DAVID CHASMAN Typically cack, silly but watchable tv “movie of the week” (UK viewers of the 80s may recall them turning up under the Murder, Mystery and Suspense banner for years), loaded with stars collecting a paycheque from Spelling-Goldberg productions. This time an anonymous note states that murders will occur in the first-class section of the titular New York-to-London flight piloted by gruff Robert Stack. Red herrings abound: some old geezer wants to off has-been rockstar Sonny Bono (not a good actor), cop George Maharis brings a gun on-board, someone else wants to kill doctor Ralph Bellamy etc. With Farah Fawcett and Brooke Adams as stewardesses, Walter Pidgeon being old, Polly Bergen as an alcoholic novelist pestering criminal on-the-lam Fernando Lamas, Theodore Bikel, Danny Bonaduce and some hideous burnt orange chair coverings. The kind of movie that’s impossible to take seriously after AIRPLANE!

MURDER ON THE BAYOU See: EATEN ALIVE (1976)

MURDEROUS VISION (1991 US) D: GARY SHERMAN W: PAUL JOSEPH GULINO P: JOHANNA PARSONS Bruce Boxleitner is a detective who enlists the help of a psychic to catch a serial killer who skins his victims faces and keeps them in jars in this tv movie from the director of DEATH LINE. Pretty routine, and nowhere near as interesting or as grisly as the plot synopsis hints at. With Robert Culp, Beau Starr, Glenn Plummer and Dean Norris.

MURDER-ROCK: DANCING DEATH (slashdance; the demon is loose; giallo a disco; uccide a passo di danza) (1983 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: GIANFRANCO CLERICI/VINCENZO MANNINO/ROBERTO GIANVITI P: AUGUSTO CAMINITO The young talent at a dancing school is being killed-off by someone using a long needle in this giallo that doesn’t crop up on many people’s favourite Fulci flicks list. Ray Lovelock and Al Cliver are in the cast. Fulci has his usual cameo, of course. There are worse of its kind though, and I didn’t get too bored watching it. Completists wouldn’t find it too much of a waste of time.

THE MURDER SECRET (non avere paura della zia marta) (1989 ITL) D/W: “ROBERT MARTIN” (MARIO BIANCHI) P: LUIGI NARINIENI/ANTONINO LUCIDI A family gathers at an old house in the country to await the arrival of mysterious aunt Martha from a mental asylum. She doesn’t turn up for ages and nothing happens for an hour until this ridiculous piece of shit erupts into a gorefest with a bloody stabbing in the shower and a chainsaw decapitation. A useless surprise ending caps it off. Lucio Fulci “supervised”, and I noticed some of these gore scenes later turned up in his THE CAT IN THE BRAIN. With an uncredited Gabriele Tinti (as “Peter Gabriel”) and Maurice Poli.

MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE (1932 US) D/W; ROBERT FLOREY W: TOM REED/DALE VAN EVERY/ ETHEN M. KELLY (uncredited) This b/w Universal classic remains the finest adaption of Edgar Allan Poe’s story (to which it bares little resemblance). That is unless a lost, earlier version from 1914 turns out to be even better. Bela Lugosi is fascinating just to look at (in Jack Pierce makeup) as a sideshow scientist with intelligent ape Erik in 19th century Paris. He’s accused of heresy when he claims that humans evolved from simians. Leon Waycroff (aka Leon Ames) is a student fascinated by his theories, and the elusive Lugosi is fascinated by his girlfriend (pretty Sidney Fox, who ended her career with suicide). Surprising scenes have Lugosi injecting tied up beauties with ape blood before dumping their bodies in the river. It is also worth noting how realistic Charles Gemora’s ape suit is, it’s a shame that they insert close-ups of a real monkey instead of his mask (the effect was not convincing I suspect, even in the 30s). With Noble Johnson, Bert Roach, Brandon Hurst, Herman Bing, Agostino Borgato, Arlene Francis, Harry Holman, Edna Marion, Torben Meyer, Monte Montague, John T. Murray, Tempe Pigott, Dorothy Vernon and Michael Visaroff. John Huston has one of his earliest behind the camera credits as a writer of additional dialogue. The next 50s version of the story was PHANTOM OF THE RUE MORGUE.

MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE (1971 US) D: GORDON HESSLER W: CHRISTOPHER WICKING/HENRY SLESAR P: LOUIS H. HEYWARD Scarred Herbert Lom (who has a dwarf assistant, Michael Dunn) returns from the dead to kill off members of his old theatre company run by Jason Robards. He pours acid on his victims’ faces. This AIP version of Poe’s story is not very good and has a man in a gorilla suit called Eric. With Christine Kaufman, Adolfo Celi, Maria Perschy, Lilli Palmer, Maria Martin, Rafel Hernandez, Xandar Bolas, Brooke Adams and José Calvo.

MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE (1986 US) D: JEANNOT SZWARC W: DEVIS EPSTEIN P: ROBERT HALMI George C. Scott, Val Kilmer, Rebecca De Mornay and Ian McShane star in this tv movie version of the killer gorilla tale. It’s light of course, but is surprisingly not-bad and quite watchable. With Fernard Guiot and Roger Lumont. Filmed in Paris.

MURDERS IN THE ZOO (1933 US) D: A. EDWARD SUTHERLAND W: PHILIP WYLIE/SETON I. MILLER This real good and real shocking (for the time) b/w horror deserves more recognition. Lionel Atwill is great as an extremely sadistic zookeeper who’s jealousy for his beautiful wife causes many a man’s death (usually thrown into cages with dangerous animals). In the opening scene demonstrating Atwill’s methods that everyone remembers, a man is left to die in the jungle after his mouth is sewn shut! No wonder it was considered in very bad taste on its original release. Randolph Scott is easy to forget as the hero, Atwill and his antics are the real reason to watch. With Charlie Ruggles, Gail Patrick, Harry Beresford, Jane Darwell, Ethan Laidlau, Edward McWade, Bert Moorhouse, Lee Phelps, Syd Saylor and Edwin Stanley.

MURDER RIDE SHOW See: HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES

MURDER TO THE TUNE OF SEVEN BLACK NOTES (seven notes in black; the psychic; seite note in mero) (1977 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: ROBERTO GIANUITI/DARDANO SACCHETTI P: FRANCO CUCCU Jennifer O’Neill stars as a psychic woman who has visions of murder in this so-so giallo mystery, one of Fulci’s lesser (but not worst) movies. With Gabrielle Fetzetti, Gianni Garko, Ida Galli, Bruno Corazzari and Luigi Diberti. For a prime Fulci murder mystery (and maybe even his best film outright) see DON’T TORTURE A DUCKLING. Remade as the Hindi 100 DAYS (1991).

MURPHY’S LAW (1986 US) D: J. LEE THOMPSON W: GAIL MORGAN HICKMAN P: PANCHO KOHNER Ex-con psycho-with-a-crossbow Carrie Snodgress frames alcoholic detective Charles Bronson (“I don’t like mayonnaise”) for the death of his ex-wife and proceeds to murder everyone responsible for her jail sentence. Then she comes after Bronson, who has a loud-mouthed teen thief (Kathleen Wilhoite) as excess baggage. Dumb Cannon fodder features a brief appearance by Lawrence Tierney. With Richard Romanus, Angel Tompkins, David Hayman and Don Brodie. Wilhoite says “watch your asshole, asshole”. Jill Ireland was co-producer.

MUSASHI MIYAMOTO (the legend of musashi: samurai; master swordsman: miyamoto musashi) (1954 JPN) D/W: HIROSHI INAGAKI W: TOKUHEI WAKAO First part in the epic trilogy that chronicles the (often filmed) life story of legendary Japanese historical figure Musashi Miyamoto (Toshiro Mifune). Based on Hideji Hojo’s play, which was itself based on a novel by Eiji Yoshikawa. If you think classic period Japanese cinema begins and ends with Akira Kurosawa, here’s a good place to start your further education (Ingaki had been directing since the late-20s). Rentaro Mikumi and Kaoru Yachigura co-star, with Mariko Okada, Eiko Miyoshi, Daisuke Kato, Akihiko Hirata, Eitara Ozawa, Akira Tani, Yutaka Sada and Yoshio Kosugi. This review refers to a subtitled version, but apparently an old US dub included narration from William Holden. DUEL AT ICHIJOJI TEMPLE and DUEL ON GANRYU ISLAND are the sequels. You may have heard the soundtrack stolen for many kung fu movies.

MUSCLE (lunatic theatre; mad ballroom gala; kurutta butokai) (1988 JPN) D: HISAYASU SATO W: SHIRO YUMEMOTO P: SHUJI KATAOKA The former editor of a muscleman magazine is released from prison and attempts to track down a former model and lover whose arm he chopped off (I think) in this very talky and low-key mystery drama that revolves around the cinema of Pier Paolo Pasolini. Based on frequent Sato collaborator Yumemoto’s stage play, it’s unsatisfying and deeply fragmented, but carries with it a melancholy street atmosphere that conveys the mood of modern urban Japan more than any other film in recent memory. I think the films of Hisayasu Sato are best viewed in clusters rather than individually due to his prolific work rate, but unfortunately so few of them are available in English subtitled versions. This was his second gay film after TEMPTATION OF THE MASK. The majority of his work is full-throttle hetero rape fantasy/nightmare stuff that I hope to see more of. Fellow softcore cheapie director Takahisa Zeze was the assistant director. It’s only 59 mins long.

MUSHISHI (2005-2006 JPN ANIMATED) D: HIROSHI NAGAHAMA W: AKI ITAMI/KINIKO KUWABATA/ YUKA YAMADA P: YOSHIAKI TAMURA/HIROYUKI OIZUMI/SHIN HIEDA Those of you who usually avoid Japanese anime (for whatever reason) would do well to take a look at this consistently high quality 26-episode tv series, based on Yuki Urushibara’s series of comics (also available in English by the way). Ginko is the titular “Bug Master”, roaming around the countryside of the non-specified past, helping those with problems that can be linked back to a vast variety of almost supernatural insects. The astonishingly original ideas and storylines are woven well, the lower-budget of tv animation used to its advantage, with subtle stylistic touches aiding the lyrical, tranquil nature of the piece. Among the very finest animations of recent years I think, and very highly recommended. A live-action movie version (in 2006) was less successful.

THE MUSICAL VAMPIRE (yan lok geung shut; yin le jiang shi) (1990 HK) D/P: WILSON TONG A stolen body is injected with snake venom and becomes an unstoppable, superstrong hopping vampire. A couple of bumbling young men who look after a herd of such vampires try to stop it. Lam Ching Ying (a staple of these kinds of films) also turns up to help. The vampire (who sometimes runs) can be hypnotised by the “London bridge is falling down” tune and is eventually killed by a lunar eclipse. There’s more comedy than action in this inferior fantasy, but things liven up a little towards the end with some fun FX. With Rachel (Loletta) Lee, Stanley Fung, Charlie Cho Cha Lee and Tai Bo. Tong makes a mean kung fu flick. His directorial debut was the excellent KUNG FU GENIUS.

MUTANT (1982) See: FORBIDDEN WORLD

MUTANT (night shadows) (1983 US) D: JOHN “BUD” CARDOS W: PETER Z. ORTON/MICHAEL JONES/JOHN C. KRUIZE P: IGO KANTOR Surely three scriptwriters could have come up with at least one interesting idea or scene to break up the tedium. Apparently not. But if you’re interested (it won’t last long), toxic zombies give hero Wings Hauser problems in a small town with suspicious locals. With Bo Hopkins and Danny Nelson. It was started by Mark Rosman, replaced by Al Adamson protégé Cardos (most famous for his KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS).

MUTANT HUNT (matt riker) (1986 US) D/W: TIM KINCAID P: CYNTHIA DE PAUL Years before he was SGT. KABUKIMAN N.Y.P.D., Rick Giansi played the hero in this very cheap New York-lensed futuristic sci-fi action quickie. Cyborg villains have ridiculous extending arms. Ed French created the FX for this and BREEDERS. The music for both are the same, and they’re both semi-reluctantly recommended time-wasters that are very bad, occasionally laughable and somehow perversely enjoyable. Charles Band was executive producer. Kincaid (who was also involved with NECROPOLIS) used to be gay porn director Joe Gage.

MUTANTS (outbreak x) (2008 US) D: AMIR VALINIA W: JODIE JONES/SAM SULLIVAN III/EVAN SCOTT P: GEORGE M. KOSTUCH/MATT KEITH Some drivel about a Soviet scientist experimenting with a deadly plague-like virus at a sugar processing factory, and a race against time to stop the sugar from getting infected and poisoning the public. The acting is atrocious, bar Michael Ironside and Steven Bauer in scenes obviously shot in isolation at a different time. One of the leads is supposed to play another actor’s daughter, but they’re obviously around the same age.

MUTANT SPECIES See: BIO-FORCE 1

THE MUTATIONS (dr. of evil; the freakmaker) (1973 UK) D: JACK CARDIFF W: “EDWARD MANN” (SANTOS ALCOCER) W/P: ROBERT D. WEINBACH Very good time lapse footage of plants growing opens this interesting horror movie. Donald Pleasence is a scientist and university professor experimenting with the cross-breeding of animals and plants. Tom Baker is a very disfigured ex-sideshow freak who helps to get young girls for Pleasence to experiment on. Michael Dunn is one of a group of dwarfs and carnival freaks who don’t really have much to do with the story but figure in a carny scene and a FREAKS inspired tea party. Disjointed stuff to be sure, but there’s enough going on to keep it entertaining. There’s a LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS style plant that eats rabbits and eventually turns into a walking killer mutant plant-man, a tree that bleeds, a bearded lady, monkey woman, a human pincushion, frog boy, alligator skin girl, human skeleton, pretzel man (!), popeye and the lizard women of Tibet. With Julie Ege, Jill Haworth and Brad Harris.

MUTATIONS (1987) See: SLUGS: THE MOVIE

THE MUTHERS (1976 PHIL) D/P: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO W: CYRIL ST. JAMES/LEONARD HERMES Jeanne Bell (T.N.T. JACKSON) leads a trio of black female pirates (!) who sail around with their male crew in a gunboat and loot rich folks’ yachts. They must go undercover at a slave plantation to rescue their friend, and end up in the jungles with machineguns just like a women-in-prison movie. But there’s no nudity, just minimum martial arts and precious little fun. The three leads are likeable when they banter, but it’s not really enough to keep your attention. With Ken Metcalfe, Rosanne Keaton and Jayne Kennedy (the wife of PENITENTIARY series star Leon Isaac Kennedy at the time).

MUTILATED See: SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED

THE MUTILATOR (1978) See: THE DARK

THE MUTILATOR (fall break) (1983 US) D/W/P: BUDDY COOPER A bunch of real annoying, unfunny teens go to a condo at the beach where they’re picked off one by one in mildly gory ways. Not the worst of its type but I can’t think of any reason to watch it. The dilaogue is badly written and convoluted, and the acting is worse. The ads stated: “By pick… by axe… by chainsaw… bye bye!”

MUTINY AT FORT SHARP (per un dollaro di gloria; el escuardon de la muerte) (1966 ITL SPN) D/W: FERNANDO CERCHIO W: UGO LIBERATORE/JESUS NAVARRO LARRION Broderick Crawford is a crazed, stubborn colonel who refuses to give up a fort he believes is surrounded by Apache. This unusual Civil War era western has an interesting historical subplot about unwelcome French soldiers trying to establish an empire in Mexico, but it’s not really explored in detail. Apart from the dubbing, this seems less a spaghetti western than an American B picture. With Elisa Montes, “Hugh Arden” (Ugo Sasso), Nando Angelini, Julio Pena, José Canalejas and José Marco Davo.

MUTINY ON THE BUSES (1972 UK) D: HARRY BOOTH W/P: RONALD CHESNEY/RONALD WOLFE More laffs in this first sequel to ON THE BUSES (a Hammer studios spin-off from a popular tv sitcom). Reg Varney wants to move out of mum’s house so he can get married and get his leg over. Boss Blakey (Stephen Lewis) is on his case as usual. With Bob Todd and David Lodge. You’re not going to find any new variations on the formula here, you either like ON THE BUSES or you don’t. If you do you’ll be wanting to see HOLIDAY ON THE BUSES as well.

MUTRONICS See: GUYVER

MUZANE: AV GAL SATSUJIN VIDEO WA SONZAI SHITA! (1999 JPN) D/W: DAISUKE YAMANOUCHI P: TADANOBU HIRAO/SHIWYA TAKEDA How things have changed. When SNUFF came out in 1976 it was considered an irresponsible threat to the legitimate porn industry. Now an adult video company (JVD) produces a fake snuff exposé that ties real-life death to the AV industry. A female reporter sits in on a menstrual blood SM fetish tape being filmed (pretty disgusting if it’s not your thing), and eventually uncovers a snuff movie ring. There’s a surprise ending, (fogged) hardcore sex and grisly gore. With Yamanouchi regular Salmon Sakeyama. For what it is, it works if you’re looking for extreme thrills.

MY AUNTIE See: MY YOUNG AUNTIE

MY BEST FIEND (mein liebster feind; 25 tunti: klaus kinski) (1999 UK W.GER) D: WERNER HERZOG P: LUCKI STIPETIC This interesting if flawed documentary on the late, great actor and sex-crazed egomaniac Klaus Kinski opens with a crazed Kinski on stage during his Jesus tour. Then Herzog (who appears and narrates throughout) fondly remembers early (violent) encounters with the out-of-control Kinski when he boarded in the same house as a teen. Parts are filmed in Peru as we get some stories from the locations of AGUIRRE and FITZCARRALDO. The other three Herzog/Kinski collaborations (NOSFERATU, WOYZECK and COBRA VERDE) are also covered, with only one non-Herzog Kinski movie mentioned, so this is as much about Herzog as it is Kinski. Fascinating a character as Kinski is, this doesn’t really reveal much about him apart from he liked shouting a lot and was often mean, abusive, cowardly and childlike. When it tries to show the warm side of Kinski (there’s footage of him playing with a butterfly) it seems a little forced. Eva Mattes and Claudia Cardinale are also interviewed. Mick Jagger and Jason Robards can be seen in footage culled from BURDEN OF DREAMS. I would have liked a cross-section of interviews from Kinski’s whole career. See also PLEASE KILL MR. KINSKI (1999).

MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981 CAN) D: GEORGE MIHALKA W: JOHN BEAIRD P: JOHN DUNNING/ANDRE LINK/BOB PRESNER This slasher movie tries to be different from other FRIDAY THE 13th clones, but fails to generate any suspense and still has its own fair share of clichés. Twenty years ago, five miners are victims of a methane gas explosion on Valentine’s night while the rest of the town celebrate at the town dancehall. The only survivor becomes mentally unhinged after being with the other bodies and is committed. He returns one year later to kill the mining supervisors he feels were responsible (with a pickaxe). He also leaves a warning note to the town, instructing them to never again celebrate Valentine’s day. On the eve of the first Valentine’s dance in twenty years, a guy in a gas mask turns up to kill teens with a pickaxe, and puts the victims’ hearts in heart-shaped chocolate boxes. What begins promisingly soon degenerates into the usual unimaginative garbage. Ray Sager (THE WIZARD OF GORE) was the second unit director!

MY BLOODY VALENTINE (bloody valentine 3D) (2008 US) D: PATRICK LUSSIER W: TODD FARMER/ ZANE SMITH P: JACK L. MURRAY A mad miner with a gas mask and pickaxe killed co-workers during a cave-in, and then later awoke from his coma to kill teens at a party in the mine. Ten years later the locals are squabbling as the mine is set to be sold and the killer seems to return, ripping-out hearts and putting them in heart-shaped candy boxes on the run-up to Valentine’s day. This (3D) remake of a 1981 slasher had the potential to take the (terrible) original’s intriguing premise and improve upon it, but amazingly manages to be even worse, with pointless who-cares twists and numbing CGI splatter. With Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Kevin Tighe, Tom Atkins and Marc Macaulay. Screenwriter Farmer appears as a trucker.

MY EROTIC FANTASIES (1974) See: HOT TIMES

MY FATHER IS A HERO (the enforcer; jet li’s the enforcer; letter to daddy; kap ang ang dik san; gei ba ba de shen) (1995 HK) D: YUEN KWAI W: SANDY SHAW/CHUNG WAI HUNG P: WONG JING/TIFFENY CHEN Jet Li is an undercover cop who has to leave his sick wife and martial arts expert kid (I’d like to see that SIXTH SENSE kid try this stuff) alone while he tries to take down a sadistic gang boss. Anita Mui is a cop who ends up helping the family in this sometimes silly, sometimes sentimental but always entertaining film. The fight choreography by director Yuen Kwai and Yuen Tak has some particularly good use of wirework.

MY FRIENDS NEED KILLING (1976 US) D/W: PAUL LEDER A disturbed, traumatised and guilt-ridden ’nam vet (Greg Mullavey) leaves a note for his concerned wife (real-life spouse Meredith MacRae, who also sang the theme tune) and sets off on a crosscountry murder spree. He meets several of his old army buddies one-by-one and kills them as atonement, while suffering flashbacks, nightmares and extreme confusion. At the end he helps to deliver a buddy’s wife’s baby, and then hangs himself from a tree. It’s quite well done, but grim and not much fun. Leder made it after his most famous picture, I DISMEMBER MAMA.

MY LIFE’S ON THE LINE (life on the line) (1978 TAI) D: WANG CHUNG KONG Minute Fong Chin has been a loner who fights for justice ever since his mother was murdered when he was a child. During his latest mission he befriends a family by teaching a little brat his kung fu. Contrived plot convolutions lead to a great final duel against Leung Kar Yan. For some reason a freeze-frame with blood dripping down the screen interrupts the ending and we never find out who wins! Fans will however enjoy the action. With Lung Fei, the lovably goofy Dean Shek, Wong Chi Sang, Wong Wing San, Kong Ching Ha and Su Chen Ping.

MY LITTLE EYE (2002 US UK CAN) D: MARC EVANS W/P: DAVID HILTON W: JAMES WATKINS P: JANE VILLIERS A small group of teens volunteer to be locked in a creepy, remote house together for a length of time so they can win $1m. It’s to be broadcast live on the internet. I’ll be glad when the craze for reality tv shows ends and stops leaking its influence into (too many) movies. This horror movie is a perfect example of an immediately dated flick that uses this hook, but then flounders while trying to milk something worthwhile out of the premise. In its defence, some of the sound is used to good effect (a factor that maybe not enough horror filmmakers take into account). Still sucks though. With Sean Cw Johnson, Jennifer Sky, Kris Lemche, Stephen O’Reilly, Laura Regan and Bradley Cooper. Director Evans made RESURRECTION MAN (1998).

MY LOVELY BURNT BROTHER AND HIS SQUASHED BRAIN (1987 ITL) D: A.G. STEWART/J.J. HARD W: “GOTCHA” CAPONE P: HERB DE TROUT In this extremely poor, amateurish and irritating shot-on-video gore “comedy”, a pissed-off (and very LOUD) dentist assistant injects her bedridden brother (who wears a KKK hood) with her own piss. Then she demands he mutilate himself, and others who she has a problem with. Most of it is cheap gore FX as we hear a band called The Sick Rose (who aren’t bad 60s garage throwbacks). When there is dialogue it’s dubbed in far too loud, and it’s all shouting, swearing and sound FX nonsense. A long b/w segment features a cowboy and an A-bomb blast. “Shot in Beer-o-Vision”, and running just over an hour (but feels like 10 at least). Safe to say the credits are all pseudonyms. The long defunct Mondo Video put an English-dubbed tape out.

MY LUCKY STARS (fook sing go chiu; fu xing gao zhao) (1985 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG W: SZETO CHEUK HON/BARRY WONG P: RAYMOND CHOW After the opening scene (which includes an amazing car stunt) with cops Jackie Chan and Yuen Biao trying to catch criminals Eric Tsang and Lam Ching Ying in a Japanese amusement park, this pretty much goes downhill afterwards. Tsang and Ying have fled to Japan from Hong Kong and Chan enlists the help of his criminal childhood buddies “the lucky stars” (led by Hung) to help him catch them. Like all of the Lucky Stars series, the stars spend too much time on comic relief while trying to bed a pretty young girl (Sibelle Hu). Things perk up for the martial arts extravaganza finale. With Richard Ng, Charlie Chan Chaing Lin, Michiko Nishiwaki, Stanley Fung, Bolo Yeung, Walter Tso Tat Wah, James Tin Jun, Yip Wing Cho, Dick Wei, Yuen Wah, Lau Kar Wing, Huang Ha, San Kuai, Chin Kar Lok and Paul Chang Chung. This sequel to WINNERS AND SINNERS was all filmed in Hong Kong. TWINKLE TWINKLE LUCKY STARS was next.

MY NAME IS BRUCE (2006 US) D/P: BRUCE CAMPBELL W: MARK VERHEIDEN P: MIKE RICHARDSON Campbell plays an arsehole version of himself, a self-centred cult B movie actor who’s kidnapped by a teen fan and taken to the rural town of Goldlick to help fight a Chinese demon (and protector of beancurd) unleashed from an old mine (where Chinese immigrants died in a cave-in years ago). Filled with references to (and actors from) the EVIL DEAD series and other Campbell vehicles, this tiresome, unfunny parody really misses the mark. Ted Raimi plays three parts (one in yellowface makeup). Campbell also directed MAN WITH THE SCREAMING BRAIN (2005).

MY NAME IS NOBODY (lonesome gun; il mio nome e nessuno; mein name ist nobody; mon nom est personee) (1973 ITL FRA W.GER) D: TONINO VALERII D/W: SERGIO LEONE (uncredited) W: ERNESTO GASTALDI W/P: FULVIO MORSELLA First-class western has young drifter Terence Hill (acting like Trinity again) trying to convince legendary ageing gunfighter Henry Fonda to take on the 150 strong “wild bunch”, who’ve strong-armed their way into a lucrative gold mine. Originally about 130 mins, this review refers to a version about 20 mins shorter. Great fun for Eurowestern fans and a nice introduction to the genre for beginners. With Geoffrey Lewis, R.G. Armstrong, Leo Gordon, Piero Lulli and Luigi Antonio Guerra. You may have heard parts of the soundtrack turn up in kung fu films.

MY NAME IS SHANGHAI JOE See: THE FIGHTING FISTS OF SHANGHAI JOE

MY NAME IS TRINITY See: THEY CALL ME TRINITY

MY SCHOOL MATE THE BARBARIAN (ngo dik yau goo tung hok; wo de ye man tang xiao) (2001 HK) D: BILLY CHUNG D/W/P: WONG JING Star Stephen Fung is the clever studious son of a rich businesswoman who’s expelled from a good school after a misunderstanding and is accidentally enlisted at a crappy, run-down school full of cartoonish juvenile delinquents. One-on-one fights on a ring made from school desks are the way things are solved. Class “king of duel” Nicholas Tse teaches Fung fighting in exchange for tuition. Big mouth (Yu Ka Ha) is a mean student who gets gangsters mixed up in the plot. Some of the action scenes are ok, but everything inbetween is the usual Wong Jing drivel, which is getting worse every passing year. With Joey Yung as the love interest, Samuel Pang and Frankie Ng.

MY SON, MY SON, WHAT HAVE YE DONE (place of the violence) (2009 US GER) D/W: WERNER HERZOG W: HERBERT GOLDER P: ERIC BASSETT Troubled, mother-dominated Michael Shannon stabs his mother (Grace Zabriskie) with an old sword, then hides out in his San Diego home (with a lovely cactus garden) as homicide detective Willem Dafoe (who’s very low-key and funny) tries to figure the next move out on the street. Flashbacks reveal the bizarre turn-of-events that may have led here. Very loosely based on the real-life Mark Yavorsky case, it’s an interesting companion piece to Herzog’s BAD LIEUTENANT. Neither are entirely successful but different and engaging takes on genre filmmaking, gleefully subverting audience expectations and presenting us with arresting, surreal imagery. They could be considered more accomplished and less trashy ventures into territory that Ulli Lomell’s films once inhabited. Chloe Sevigny plays Shannon’s fiancée, Udo Kier is a small-time theatre director and Brad Dourif a racist, homophobic ostrich farmer. With Michael Peña, Loretta Devine and Verne Troyer. The score is by Ernst Reijseger, and the soundtrack also includes the fantastic zitherbacked gospel of Washington Phillips. Parts were shot in China, Mexico and Peru. Executive producer David Lynch “presents”.

MY SON, THE VAMPIRE See: OLD MOTHER RILEY MEETS THE VAMPIRE

MY SOUL IS SLASHED (from dracula with love; kamitsukitai; dracula yori ai-o) (1991 JPN) D: SHUSUKE KANEKO W: CHIGUSA SHIOTA P: SHOHE KOTAKI Ken Ogata is a very busy executive at a pharmaceutical company who’s run over by a car because he finds a little too much out about his boss (Takuri Moromoto)’s illegal pay-offs to politicians so that an experimental drug can be rushed to shops without proper testing. During a transfusion he’s accidentally given vampire blood that scientist Narumi Yasuda has been studying. He dies, but his daughter (Hikari Ishida) spills her virgin blood on his ashes so he returns one year later as a superstrong vampire hero who uncovers corruption at his old company. This is a fun modern vampire movie with a good sense of humour and a healthy dose of selfreferential vampire fetish scenes that don’t tip over into fanboy territory. With Hideo Amamoto as Yasuda’s butlar/assistant, Hideko Yoshida as Ogata’s widow, Koji Naka, Atsumi Kurasawa and Shigesato Itoi. From the director of LAST FRANKENSTEIN (1992).

MY SOUL TO TAKE (wes craven’s the ripper) (2010 US) D/W/P: WES CRAVEN P: ANTHONY KATAGAS/ IYA LABUNKE The thrilling opening of this ridiculous horror film (that may remind you of Craven’s SHOCKER) with a good family man coming to the realisation that he may be the schizophrenic psycho The Riverton Ripper, and then being gunned down just as multiple babies are born in the town simultaneously shows promise of a tongue-in-cheek popcorn shocker. But this teen-driven flop soon runs out of steam, and gets quite silly. Max Thieriot stars. With John Magaro, Emily Meade, Harris Yulin, clichéd superstitious black characters and a clip from THE BIRDS. Craven returned to a known commodity with SCREAM 4 (2011) next.

THE MYSTERIOUS ENCHANTER See: THE ARCANE ENCHANTER

MYSTERIOUS INVADER See: THE ASTOUNDING SHE-MONSTER

THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND (1929 US) D/W: LUCIEN HUBBARD W: MAURICE TOURNEUR/BENJAMIN CHRISTENSEN P: J. ERNEST WILLIAMSON In this early Jules Verne adaptation, Lionel Barrymore stars as Count Dakkar (or Captain Nemo in the book), busy investigating underwater currents at an island lab off the coast of some Soviet-seeming country (characters wear fur hats, have Russian names and there’s a revolution going on in the mainland). He’s constructed a weird-looking skeletal reconstruction of undersea creatures from bone fragments that float up from the ocean floor. The contrived plot involving romance between different social classes, jealousy and the aforementioned military uprising basically results in two special submarines (shaped like dolphins) descending to the ocean floor. Characters encounter hundreds of kids (and Angelo Rossitto)-in-suits as duckbilled sea creatures, a giant octopus and a baby alligator modified with attached fins and stuff. The underwater miniature work is excellent, particularly when a sunken galleon with the skeletons of chained slaves is discovered. An excellent, groundbreaking b/w silent fantasy, with partial sound (characters speak in a few scenes, and there are dubbed-on background noises, like the previous year’s THE MAN WHO LAUGHS) that must have been a major draw at the time. Apparently there used to be a tinted colour version (as well as a completely silent one). It took almost three years to complete (and I bet was well worth the wait). Lloyd Hughes is the young hero in love with countess Jane Daly, and Montagu Love is the villain. With Harry Gribbon, Snitz Edwards, Gibson Gowland, Robert Dudley, Pauling Starke and Harry Tenbrook. There was a Soviet adaptation in 1941, and an American one in 1951.

MYSTERIOUS ISLAND (1961 US UK) D: CY ENFIELD W: JOHN PREEBLE/DANIEL ULLMAN/CRANE WILBUR P: CHARLES H. SCHNEER In 1865, Union prisoners led by Michael Craig (including black Dan Jackson, rockabilly-looking Michael Callan and Gary Merrill) and a Confederate sergeant (Brit Percy Herbert with an unsure accent) escape from the Civil War Siege of Richmond in a hot-air balloon and end up drifting to a tropical island (actual locations in Spain) where they encounter shipwrecked females (Joan Greenwood and sexy Beth Rogan in a revealing minidress), pirates, as well as giant crabs, birds and bees (topnotch Ray Harryhausen work). Herbert Lom appears as Captain Nemo, busy solving the world’s food shortage problem. He helps them escape from an erupting volcano. The score is by Bernard Herrmann. This pretty good and colourful fantasy adventure (the fourth feature version alleged to be of Jules Verne’s very different novel) came between the 1954 version of 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA and CAPTAIN NEMO AND THE UNDERWATER CITY in 1969. Omar Sharif was Nemo in Spain in 1973, there was a long miniseries in 1995, and a tv movie with Patrick Stewart in 2005. Other Verne adaptations from the same year were MASTER OF THE WORLD, VALLEY OF THE DRAGONS and THE TRIUMPH OF MICHAEL STROGOFF. Wilbur directed HOUSE WOMEN the same year. Endfield and Prebble went on to make ZULU next.

THE MYSTERIOUS MR. WONG (1935 US) D: WILLIAM NIGH W: NINA HOWATT P: GEORGE YOHALEM Boring (and racist) Monogram mystery quickie stars Bela Lugosi as the diabolical Manchurian criminal mastermind Mr. Wong. Wallace Ford is a fast-talking reporter hero (who’s pretty annoying). The plot involves murder and a Tong war in NYC’s Chinatown. It’s “suggested by” Harry Stephen Keeler’s story The Twelve Coins of Confucius. With Arlene Judge, Robert Emmett O’Connor, Edward Peil Sr., Chester Gan, Richard Loo, Lee Shumaway, Theodore Lorch and James B. Leong. Sixty or so forgettable b/w mins. That other horror movie legend Boris Karloff was a good sleuth called Mr. Wong in a series that started three years later, also by Nigh and from Monogram. Lugosi is a more convincing Oriental (forgetting the accent).

THE MYSTERIOUS MONSTERS (bigfoot: the mysterious monster) (1975 US) D/W: ROBERT GUENETTE P: CHARLES E. SELLIER JR. On-screen host and narrator Peter Graves tries to convince us to believe in Bigfoot, the abominable snowman and the Loch Ness monster in this speculative documentary from Sunn Classics (Sellier also produced THE BOOGENS for them). It’s fun to see a very earnest-seeming Graves question experts for about five mins, then the novelty wears off and boredom sets in.

MYSTERIOUS TWO (follow me if you dare) (1982 US) D/W: GARY SHERMAN P: GARY CREOLE/SONNY FOX/ALAN LANDSBURG In this odd tv movie from the director of DEATH LINE, “He” (John Forsythe) and “She” (Priscilla Pointer) appear to be visitors from another world who convince many cult members to assemble in the desert where they seem to have landed in a spacecraft. The brainwashed cultists looking for a better life as “people of tomorrow” leave behind loved ones as they enter first a big circus tent and are later transported in a school bus to an abandoned missile silo. A reporter (Vic Tayback) and some guy who escapes the silo narrate, as cops (Noah Beery and Robert Englund) track the cult. At the end they’ve disappeared (in a spaceship?) and there are signs of a new gathering. I couldn’t say if this pre-Heaven’s Gate movie is good or not, but it’s curious that it never decides whether the whole thing is an elaborate hoax or a genuine phenomenon. With Robert Pine and Jerry Hardin.

MYSTERY IN VENICE See: GIALLO A VENEZIA

MYSTERY MEN (1999 US) D: KINKA USHER W: NEIL CUTHBERT P: LAWRENCE GORDON/LLOYD LEVIN/ MIKE RICHARDSON Here’s a fun and unfairly neglected box office flop superhero comedy. Ben Stiller (as Mr. Furious), William H. Macy (The Shoveler) and Hank Azaria (The Blue Raja) are three superhero wannabes constantly in the shadow of corrupt celebrity crime fighter Captain Amazing (Greg Kinnear). Amazing has super villain Casanova Frankenstein (Geoffrey Rush) released from lock-up so he’ll have someone to fight. But the plan backfires and Amazing is kidnapped. So Stiller, Macy and Azaria are left to save Champion city with the help of a few new recruits. Janene Garofalo is The Bowler (with her father’s skull in a bowling ball). Kel Mitchell is Invisible Boy. Paul Reubens is The Spleen (he farts), and Wes Studi is their mentor The Sphinx. With Tom Waits as a non-lethal weapons designer, Claire Forlani as a waitress, Lena Olin, Eddie Izzard, Louise Lasser, Artie Lange, Ricky Jay, Jennifer Lewis, Pras, Emmy Laybourne, director Usher, Simpson and Bruckheimer director Michael Bay, Marie Matiko, Mark Mothersbaugh, Stacey Travis, Jack Plotnick, Doug Jones, Dana Gould and (in deleted scenes on the dvd only) Luis Guzman. Very enjoyable audience entertainment that will hopefully find deserved success on dvd and cable.

MYSTERY OF CHESS BOXING (ninja checkmate; shuang ma lian huan) (1979 HK) D/P: JOSEPH KUO W: KUO CHIA TAI P: CHINAG PING HAN Lee Yin Min is a young kung fu student who is sent to a master of chess boxing (by kung fu school cook Yuen Siu Tien, repeating his “steal my rice” trick) so that he can learn skills good enough to defeat Ghost Faced Killer (Jack Long), the evil master of Five Element Fist who killed his father. Min combines Five Element with chess boxing in the great final duel of this enjoyable but unremarkable (at least until the end) cult favourite. With Mark Long, Wong Chi Sang, Wong Wing Sang and Au Lap Bo. For prime Kuo check out BORN INVINCIBLE or SEVEN GRAND MASTERS.

THE MYSTERY OF KASPAR HAUSER See: THE ENIGMA OF KASPAR HAUSER

THE MYSTERY OF MAMO See: LUPIN III

THE MYSTERY OF MR. WONG (1939 US) D: WILLIAM NIGH W: SCOTT DARLING In the second of the Boris Karloff Wong movies from Monogram, a murder has to be solved and a priceless sapphire retrieved. The killing occurs during an elaborate game of charades. With Grant Withers, Joe Devlin, Holmes Herbert, Chester Gan, Morgan Wallace, Wilbur Mack, Hooper Atchley and I. Stanford Jolley. Watchable/ forgettable. Followed by MR. WONG IN CHINATOWN.

THE MYSTERY OF THE LEAPING FISH (1916 US) D: CHRISTY CABANNE/JOHN EMERSON W: “GRANVILLE WARWICK” (D.W. GRIFFITH)/TOD BROWNING This silent 26 mins b/w comedy may be one of the strangest artefacts of yesteryear you’ll ever see. It helps to remember that pre-US Food and Drug Act Coca-Cola was a headache remedy that did contain cocaine. Douglas Fairbanks is “scientific detective” Coke Ennyday (I didn’t say it was subtle). He’s always injecting himself with something that peps him up, and has a tin on his desk that reads COCAINE in big letters. The screwy plot involves Oriental smugglers and inflatable fish floats at the beach. When Fairbanks scoffs a load of opium he can’t stop skipping around. He injects the villains and they can’t stop either! One jumps vertically out of shot (reversed film)! With Bessie Love as the “fish blower”, Alma Rubens, Allan Sears, Charles Stevens and Tom Wilson. You don’t want to pass on the chance of seeing this one. Emerson is also credited with co-directing what is supposedly an early horror (GHOSTS from 1915) and Browning (already a busy writer and director) directed the amusing W.C. Fields short THE FATAL GLASS OF BEER the same year.

THE MYSTERY OF THE MARIE CELESTE (phantom ship) (1935 US) D/W: DENISON CLIFT W: CHARLES LARKWORTHY P: M. FRASER PASSMORE This early b/w Hammer production about the legendary 19th century ghost ship that mysteriously lost its crew stars Bela Lugosi in a great performance as a crazed seaman. Despite the obviously low budget, some great atmosphere is created. With Dennis Hoey, Johnnie Schofield, Ben Welden, Bruce Gordon, Gibson Gowland and James Carew. Recommended for vintage chiller enthusiasts. Bela’s next British production was the classic THE DARK EYES OF LONDON in 1939.

MYSTERY OF THE WAX MUSEUM (1933 US) D: MICHAEL CURTIZ W: DON MULLANY/CARL ERICKSON P: HENRY BLANKE Lionel Atwill is an obsessed sculptor whose acclaimed but moneylosing wax museum is burnt to the ground by a business partner for the insurance. Atwill returns (in a wheelchair) to open a new wax museum in NYC, but this time dead bodies are dipped in wax as a short cut to realism (performers attempt to stay real still onscreen). Gorgeous scream queen Fay Wray also discovers Atwill’s other grisly secret in this great looking two-colour Technicolor horror classic from Warner’s, which still holds up very well alongside the more widely recognised Universal classics of the period. Gelda Farrell is very good as a wisecracking newspaper reporter (not unlike Jennifer Jason Leigh’s turn in THE HUDSUCKER PROXY). Based on Charles Belden’s story. With Frank McHugh, Gavin Gordon, Arthur Edmund Carewe, Edwin Maxwell, Holmes Herbert, Claude King, Thomas E. Jackson, DeWitt Jennings, Matthew Betz, Pat O’Malley, Frank Austin, Harry Bradley, Frank Darien, William B. Davidson, James Donlan, Otto Hoffman, Robert Homans, Perry Ivins, Edward Keene, Milton Kibbee, Lou Poff and Guy Usher. HOUSE OF WAX was a good 3D remake

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000: THE MOVIE (1995 US) D/W/P: JIM MALLON W: MICHAEL J. NELSON/TRAIE BEAULIEU/KEVIN MURPHY/MARY JO PEHL/PAUL CHAPLIN/BRIDGET JONES I’ve never liked the MST3K tv show; it’s only use to my mind was making some rarities accessible to fans (if they can ignore the commentary). But this “movie” (which is exactly the same as a series episode) goes too far by making fun of a really good movie, THIS ISLAND EARTH. As usual Mike and his two robot friends sit down (and obscure part of the screen) in front of the movie and spout wisecracks and point out “funny” things about it. Some of the comments could be considered amusing if they were spontaneously blurted out by a friend in the comfort of your own home (and then only maybe), but the seven (!) screenwriters were paid to research and examine THIS ISLAND EARTH before coming up with the infantile, shallow and downright irritating wisecracks here. I highly recommend viewing THIS ISLAND EARTH (which is not a “stinker”) in its original form.

MYSTICS IN BALI (balinese mystic; leak) (1981 INDO) D: H. TJUT DJALIL W: JIMMY ATMAJA P: SRI GUNAWAN/HENRY KATILI/ABDUL MUIS SOFIAN An American (I think not!) student in Bali asks her native boyfriend to put her in contact with a cackling witch who will teach her powerful Leak magic. The witch (who always appears in different forms and drinks blood using her long tongue) tattoos her thigh with a spell and teaches her magic that allows her to transform into other things (like snakes or flying fireballs). She also “borrows” her head. The head floats around with her guts still hanging from the neck (see also WITCH WITH FLYING HEAD). It flies between the legs of a pregnant woman in labour and sucks out the foetus! A good wizard fights the evil witch (who also turns into an awkward, laughable man-in-a-suit monster) in a magic FX battle finale. From the director of NASTY HUNTER.

MY SWEET SATAN (1992 US) D/W: JIM VAN BEBBER P: MICHAEL ZENGEL This is one of the shorts Bebber made while attempting to complete CHARLIE’S FAMILY. It’s an under 20 mins look at bored, wasted Dayton Ohio teens, specifically a Satan-worshipping young criminal (Bebber) who commits murder and kills himself in a jail cell. It’s a good, disturbing fragment of ideas found in the underrated FAMILY.

MY 12 KUNG FU KICKS (incredible master beggars; sap yee taam tui; shi er taam tui) (1979 HK) D: DO LIU BOH W: TUNG LIU Bruce Liang stars in and choreographed the action for this agreeable kung fu movie. The top-notch fighting almost makes up for Liang’s lack of charisma. With Ku Feng, Lee Hoi Sang, Dai Sai Aan, Hon Gwok Choi, Yue Tau Wan and San Kuai.

MY WORLD DIES SCREAMING See: TERROR IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE

MY WRONGS 8245-8249 AND 117 (2002 UK) D/W: CHRIS MORRIS W: ROBERT KATZ P: MARK HERBERT Short 12 mins film from controversial British comedian/satirist Morris is expanded from a sketch first written for his classic BBC radio series Blue Jam (which later made it to tv on C4 as Jam). Paddy Considine is house-sitting for a friend (Miranda Pleasence) and looking after her dog. The dog (voiced by Morris) claims to be his lawyer and makes him interrupt a christening. It’s a shame that Morris might get more widely known outside the UK for this, a fairly bland take on one of his less interesting ideas. I recommend you to check out Jam or Brass Eye to see him at his most inventive, caustic and hilarious. (Edit: Morris’ much better 2010 feature FOUR LIONS should do the trick, too).

MY YOUNG AUNTIE (elders; fangs of the tigress; my auntie; the senior; cheung booi; chang pei) (1981 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG P: RUN RUN SHAW/MONA FONG An elderly man of some standing and wealth refuses to let power fall into the hands of his mean younger brother (Johnny Wang Lung Wei), so marries young Kara Hui. Hui travels from the country to Canton to get help from elderly nephew Liu Chia Linag and his mischievous son Hsiao Hou (who choreographed the fight action with Liu and Cheng Chu). The action is great as you’d expect, but you can tell Liu is a little uncomfortable with the overdone (and studio imposed) comedy. But still essential viewing for kung fu fanatics. There’s a cameo from Gordon Liu Chia Hui.

NABI (the butterfly) (2001 S.KOR) D/W: MOON SEUNG-WOOK W: JUNG HAE-RYUN P: JUNG REAYOUNG/ PARK JI-YOUNG In the near future a polluted Korean city is plagued with a virus that causes people to lose their memory. Korean-born Ho Jung Kim arrives from Germany on a special guided tour designed for those who want to be infected and erase unhappy memories. Hye-jeong Kang (later in OLDBOY) is her guide, and their driver is an orphan searching for his real parents. Some viewers may be disappointed that this low-budget shot-on-DV production doesn’t embrace its Philip K. Dick-esque sci-fi elements and relies more on human drama, but with that in mind it’s well worth checking out this gem.

NABONGA GORILLA (gorilla; the girl and the gorilla; jungle woman) (1944 US) D: SAM NEWFIELD W: FRED MYTON P: SIGMUN NEUFELD Buster Crabbe arrives in the jungles of Africa to find a white jungle goddess. She turns out to be Julie London, a kind of female Tarzan who was raised there after her plane crashed as a child. Her friend is a big, menacing gorilla called Nabonga (the busy Ray “Crash” Corrigan in his well-used gorilla suit). Villains are looking to loot King Solomon’s mines. For fans of jungle adventure nonsense only. With Bryant Washburn, Herbert Rawlinson, I. Stanford Jolley and Fred Snowflake. David Chudnow was the musical supervisor for this b/w PRC release.

NAGAI YUME (2000 JPN) D/W: HIGUCHINSKY W: KYOICHI NATSUKI P: DAI MIYAZAKI/TOMOO KAKTA/ TAKESHI KINOSHTA A very confused patient at a hospital claims that his nightly dreams last for years in his head and he awakens unable to remember the previous day. A brain surgeon becomes fascinated in the case as the patient begins to mutate (cool, popout bug eyes). This ambitious 60 mins or so adaption of a manga by Junji Ito has a real interesting first half but loses it after that. Director Higuchinsky (who was born in the Ukraine) also made the far superior Itto adaption UZU MAKI. The title translates as “Long Dream”.

NAILS (1992 US) D: JOHN FLYNN W: LARRY FERGUSON P: GEORGE W. PERKINS Dennis Hopper is a manic above-the-law cop after Cuban drug-dealers who shot his partner and tried to kill him. A conspiracy involving politicians and a secret airfield is uncovered. With Anne Archer, Tomas Milian, Keith David, Charles Halahan, Cliff De Young, John Hawkes, Raymond Cruz, Jay Acovone, Danny Trejo, Brian Markinson and the real Billy Hayes (MIDNIGHT EXPRESS [1978] was based on his life). It’s ok and Hopper is watchable as always, but Flynn made better action thrillers in the 70s (THE OUTFIT, ROLLING THUNDER), as well as the more interesting SCAM next.

NAKED ANGELS (1969 US) D/W: BRUCE D. CLARK P: DAVID R. DAWDY Mother (Michael Greene) is a motorcycle gang leader who drags his small chapter and their chicks through the Nevada Desert to avenge his beating at the hands of some other gang. The gang, however, just wanted to hang out in Vegas and get tired of Greene’s abuse, so leave him to his own devices. It’s an obscure and uneventful biker quickie that’s not worth rediscovering. Look for Penelope Spheeris, who had just made her directorial debut with UNCLE TOM’S FAIRY TALES. Executive producer Roger Corman later had Clark helm GALAXY OF TERROR.

(NAKED) AS NATURE INTENDED (1961 UK) D/W/P: (GEORGE) HARRISON MARKS An office worker, a shoeshop clerk and a dancer (star attraction Pamela Green, Marks’ business partner and cheesecake glamour girl of the era, seen in PEEPING TOM) drive down to the South Coast (via Stonehenge) for the weekend. After lots of travelogue footage of beautiful locations, and frolicking in bikinis, they happen across the Trewyn nudist beach in Cornwall, meet two nudists and eventually shed their clothes and frolic at the Sun Club (naked old people and children are seen, a rarity in nudie films of the era. The 60 mins print I saw of this legendary early colour Brit nudist movie (very tame and difficult to fathom nowadays) is partially narrated by an annoying “comical” American who sometimes concedes to a serious English narrator who shares interesting historical and geographical trivia (which I suspect is the original narration; is there a print available minus the yank?). Harrison Marks (a British skin-trade legend who practically built the foundations of the industry with his late-50s mild-nudity mail-order photographs) appears in several different roles, a trend that continued through his next feature (THE NAKED WORLD OF HARRISON MARKS) and others. Apparently he saw himself as a bit of a comedian in the music hall tradition, his later empire of 8mm home projector shorts also littered with silly cameos that I doubt anyone else appreciated. Tony Tenser was the executive producer, and Crown International released it in the States. Historical curiosity for some, sleep-inducing tedium for others.

NAKED BLOOD See: SPLATTER

NAKED CHRISTMAS See: SCREAM QUEEN NAKED CHRISTMAS

THE NAKED CITY (1948 US) D: JULES DASSIN W: ALBERT WALTZ/MALVIN WALD P: MARK HELLINGER Producer Hellinger narrates (sometimes comically) this classic police procedural thriller. Barry Fitzgerald is a cheerful Irish detective investigating the murder of a model. William Daniels’ innovative b/w location photography that puts you right in a hot summertime New York City won an Oscar, as did Paul Weatherwax’s editing. “There are eight million stories in the naked city, this has been one of them.” With G. Pat Collins, Russ Conway, Kathleen Freeman, Chuck Hamilton, Perc Lunders, George Lynn, Arthur O’Connell, Nehemiah Persoff, Molly Picon, John Randolph, George Sherwood, Howard Duff, Dorothy Hart, Don Taylor, Ted de Corsia, Frank Conroy, Paul Ford, Beverly Bayne, Lee Shumaway and Elliott Sullivan.

NAKED DREAMS See: BLACK CANDLES

NAKED EXORCISM See: CRIES AND SHADOWS

NAKED FIST (firecracker!) (1981 PHIL US) D/W: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO W: KEN METCALFE P: SYED KECHIK Black-belt Jillian Kessner arrives in Manila to find her missing sister. She pretends to be a tournament fighter so that she can investigate Ken Metcalfe’s drug-running operations. The best scene has her running through a warehouse in her underwear, before shoving one pursuer’s head into a bandsaw, having her bra cut off with a scythe, before fighting topless. More scenes like this (and the cool, violent stick-fighting climax when she smashes the weapons into her sister’s killer’s eyesockets) and it could have been a minor B movie classic. Unfortunately the rest of it is thoroughly routine. With Vic Diaz, Tony Ferrer and Chanda Romero. New World released this remake of executive producer Santiago’s own T.N.T. JACKSON (with additional scenes shot by Allan Holzman). Santiago tackled the same story again with 1993’s ANGEL FIST.

NAKED FISTS OF TERROR See: THE SPIRITUAL BOXER

NAKED GALS OF THE GOLDEN WEST See: WILD GALS OF THE NAKED WEST!

THE NAKED GUN: FROM THE FILES OF POLICE SQUAD! (1988 US) D/W/P: DAVID ZUCKER W: JERRY ZUCKER/JIM ABRAHAMS/PAT PROFT P: ROBERT K. WEISS The ZAZ comedy team (AIRPLANE!) made this hit police comedy based on their POLICE SQUAD! (1982) tv series (also very funny). Hit-andmiss of course, but there are plenty of very funny scenes to make it worthwhile. Ricardo Montalban is the villain who wants to assassinate the Queen (Jeanette Charles, who’s made a career out of looking a little bit like the Queen). George Kennedy and O.J. Simpson are other cops and Priscilla Presley is the love interest. With “Weird” Al Yankovic (UHF), Lawrence Tierney, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Brinke Stevens as an extra, Nany Marchand, Tiny Ron, Joe Grifasi, Nicholas Worth, Reggie Jackson, Stuart Lancaster, John Houseman, Weiss and some famous baseball players. Nielsen went on to star in endless inferior spoofs of major hits.

THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2: THE SMELL OF FEAR (1991 US) D/W: DAVID ZUCKER W: PAT PROFT P: ROBERT K. WEISS ZAZ kind of split-up but carried on making this and the HOT SHOTS films separately. They’re both slightly more desperate but relatively funny hit-and-miss comedies (that were huge hits). Robert Goulet is the villain this time, and Nielsen, Kennedy, Simpson, Yankovic and Presley all return. With Lloyd Bochner, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Mel Torme, Richard Griffiths, Reiner Scone and John Fleck. A gag involving bowling balls is copied from CRIMEWAVE. I liked the CASABLANCA gag (“ding dong the witch is dead”) best.

NAKED GUN 33 1/3: THE FINAL INSULT (1994 US) D: PETER SEGAL W: PAT PROFT/DAVID ZUCKERMAN/ROBERT LO CASH P: ROBERT K. WEISS The series was at its lowest by this point, relying more on spoof scenes from other hit movies than original gags. I liked the Mother Theresa musical. With Nielsen, Kennedy, Simpson, Presley, Yankovic, Fred Ward, Kathleen Freeman, Anna Nicole Smith, Julie Strain, Raquel Welch, Vanna White, Pia Zadora, Earl Boen, Andre Rosey Brown, Randall “Tex” Cobb, Ann B. Davis, Ellen Greene, Joe Grifasi, Bill Erwin, John Capodice, Shannon Doherty, Lee R. Ermey, Olympia Dukakis, Morgan Fairchild, Elliot Gould and James Earl Jones.

NAKED KILLER (chek law giu cheung; chiu luo gao yang) (1992 HK) D: “CLARENCE FORD” W/P: WONG JING Step back from the hype surrounding this Category III thriller and you’re likely to enjoy. Chingamy Yau is a sexy young woman turned assassin after her father is killed due to a bitchy stepmother and her lover. Kelly Yao is the experienced hitwoman who takes Yau under her wing. Carrie Ng is a sadistic former pupil of Yao’s who’s been hired to kill her. Simon Yam is a traumatised cop in love with Yau who gets mixed up while investigating all the hits carried out by these women. Hyperstylish, cartoonish action movie has plenty of violence, fetish clothing, lesbianism, nudity and kinetic camerawork and editing to keep anyone entertained… as long as you don’t expect too much. With dismembered penis eating and a surprise romantic/nihilistic ending. RAPED BY AN ANGEL was a follow up.

NAKED KILLER 2 See: RAPED BY AN ANGEL

THE NAKED KISS (the iron kiss) (1964 US) D/W/P: SAM FULLER Unusual, captivating melodrama stars Constance Towers as a bald prostitute who beats up her pimp, runs away to a new town and becomes a nurse in a children’s ward. In this seemingly pleasant community, she discovers dark secrets beneath the surface. A precursor to things like BLUE VELVET, this b/w curio is unassuming but quite powerful. A definite one-off. With Virginia Grey, Anthony Eisley, Patsy Kelly and Edy Williams. Many reference books claim that Fuller didn’t direct again until the troubled MAN-EATER, and then it was DEAD PIGEON ON BEETHOVEN STREET (his sole 70s credit).

NAKED LUNCH (1991 CAN UK) D/W: DAVID CRONENBERG P: JEREMY THOMAS Cronenberg surprised everyone when he actually managed to (very) successfully pull off a film adaption of William Burroughs’ 1959 novel. It’s actually a mix of the book and a fantastical biopic of Burroughs’ life in Tangier (or Interzone) at the time. Peter Weller is excellent as Burroughs (or William Lee), a writer working as a bug exterminator. Chris Walas provides talking insect FX and the fantasy/reality plot is almost nonexistent. Most filmmakers would let things get away from them, but this never gets boring or pretentious (but is pretty trippy). Judy Davis is Burroughs’ wife and another fantasy woman, with Ian Holm, Julian Sands, Roy Scheider, Nicholas Campbell, Sean McCann, Howard Jerome, Justin Louis and Julian Richings. NAKED MAKING LUNCH is a documentary about the making of this film. Cronenberg’s next was the misfire M. BUTTERFLY (1993).

NAKED MAGIC See: MONDO MAGIC

THE NAKED PREY (1965 US) D/P: CORNEL WILDE W: CLINT JOHNSTON/DON PETERS Director Wilde stars as an expedition leader escorting an ivoryhunting safari in 19th century Africa. The loud, ignorant man who hired him refuses to give the customary visiting gifts to a local tribe, so they attack. The team is killed (including one man being baked in clay), except for Wilde, who’s stripped to just a loincloth and given a chance to escape (barefoot) while warriors (led by Ken Gampu) chase him. This excellent, exciting survival adventure (with very little dialogue) is peppered with mondo-like moments, and impressive animal footage. It’s a surprise that it’s not more well-known. The same D/W/P team made the war movie BEACH RED next.

NAKED SPACE See: THE CREATURE WASN’T NICE

THE NAKED SUN See: KILLER FISH

NAKED SUPERWITCHES OF THE RIO AMORE See: CAPTIVE WOMEN

NAKED TANGO (tango des nudo) (1990 US ARG JPN SWITZ) D/W: LEONARD SCHRADER P: DAVID WEISMAN Mathilda May is a bored young wife on a luxury liner bound for Buenos Airies in the 1920s. After she witnesses a mail order bride commit suicide, she hides from her husband (Fernando Rey) and assumes the dead girl’s identity. Her new, sleazy husband is Esai Morales, who tries pimping her out. She’s (sort of) rescued by tango dancing gangster anti-hero Vincent D’Onofrio. There’s some violence, lots of dancing and a blindfolded orchestra. May has her hair cut like Louise Brooks in PANDORA’S BOX (1929) and there’s a clip of Rudolph Valentino from FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE (1921). D’Onofrio looks the part, but his wooden performance here is the weak link. Some might find parts pretentious or laughable, but it’s an interesting attempt at something different. With Josh Mostel and Javier Portales. Schrader (brother of Paul) wrote and produced Weisman’s THE KILLING OF AMERICA.

NAKED UNDER LEATHER See: THE GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE

NAKED WEAPON (chek law dak gung; chi luo te gong) (2002 HK) D: CHING SIU-TUNG W/P: WONG JING Little girls are kidnapped and trained to be assassins on a secret island by villainess Almen Wong. When they reach a certain age they’re made to fight each other so only the best survive. The three remaining good-looking young women are raped by musclemen, who do high-fives (!) between swapping girls (no nudity though, just tease). Then they are sent out on well-paid assassination assignments. Anya and Maggie Q star, along with Daniel Wu as a CIA agent in this alternately dull and entertainingly ridiculous action movie (shot in English) from an action veteran whose directorial debut was the classic DUEL TO THE DEATH.

THE NAKED WEST — AND HOW IT WAS LOST See: WILD GALS OF THE NAKED WEST!

THE NAKED WITCH (1957 US) D/W: LARRY BUCHANAN D/W/P: CLAUDE ALEXANDER Buchanan’s first movie was an educational western short called THE COWBOY in 1951. Then he made a western feature in 1952 called GRUBSTAKE. His next film, VENUS IN FURS (aka A TASTE OF VENOM) ended up at the bottom of a lake (for reasons explained on the commentary track of the Something Weird dvd release of WITCH). Luckily we are now able to see subsequent flick (not released until 1961) in its original colour 16mm form (on the aforementioned dvd; previous video prints were in b/w, and omitted the co-d/w and editing credits for former roadshow veteran and Buchanan buddy Alexander). A student investigating witchcraft and superstition arrives in the small-town of Luckenbach, Texas, a real-life time warp of a place where the old-fashioned traditions of the German settlers have prevailed (Buchanan claims that it’s still like that). After most of the locals ignore his questions and he befriends a pretty girl, he eventually finds the grave of a “witch”. He removes a stake from the body, and time-lapse photography results in her (Libby Hall, also in Buchanan’s next film, COMMON-LAW WIFE) returning to life to take revenge for her death. Her eyebrows are incredible, and this odd, slow-moving movie is sometimes effectively dream-like. Exploitable scenes include a nude swim and dancing in a cave in a sheer negligee. The tale is preceded by a long intro (read by Gary Owens) over shots of incredible Hieronymus Bosch paintings. In real-life, Hall later married sound man and Buchanan protégé S.F. Brownrigg (DON’T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT etc.). It appears to be a remake of a Finnish movie (THE WITCH) from 1952, but on the dvd Buchanan recalls basing it on a silent German movie. Any thoughts?

THE NAME OF THE ROSE (le nom de la rose; il nome della rosa; der name der rose) (1986 FRA ITL W.GER) D: JEAN-JACQUES ANNAUD W: ANDREW BIRKIN/GERARD BRACH/HOWARD FRANKLIN/ALAIN GODARD P: BERND EICHINGER In 1327, English Franciscan monk and Sherlockian investigator William of Baskerville (Sean Connery) and a young protégé (15-year-old Christian Slater) travel to a remote abbey in the North of Italy, famed for its vast library, for a debate with other papal delegates. A suicide turns out to be the first in a string of gruesome murders. Investigations uncover a M.C. Escher-inspired labyrinth. Based on Umberto Eco’s international bestselling 1980 novel, this is an impressive production (designed by Dante Ferretti, shot by Tonino Delli Colli; James Horner score) and above average mystery movie that’s hampered by overlength (131 mins) and not much of a story beneath the sumptuous period trappings (the fascinating novel from which it deviates, was more interesting for its theological and historical caveats than its actual whodunit plot). With F. Murray Abraham as a head inquisitor based on the real-life French Dominican Bernard Gui), Feodor Chaliapin Jr., Elya Baskin, Michael Lonsdale, Ron Perlman with some very convincing prosthetic appendages (he was also in Annaud’s QUEST FOR FIRE), Valentina Vargas, William Hickey, Donald O’Brien, Leopoldo Trieste, Helmut Qualtinger, Vernon Dobtcheff, Pete Berling, Gianni Rizzo and an acting turn from Birkin (who directed his own THE CEMENT GARDEN in 1992). Whoever was responsible for the casting kept an eye out for odd faces. It was shot on locations in Gernany and Italy, with incredible (and expensive) sets built in Rome. Narrated by Dwight Weist.

NAM’S ANGELS See: THE LOSERS

NANG NAK (1999 THAI) D/W/P: NONZEE NIMIBUTR W: WISID SURTSUNAETIENG/EK EIMACHUN/INTIRA JAROENPURN/WINAI KRAIBUTR Nang Nak (Jaroenpurn) is a pregnant woman living in a hut on the banks of a river, whose husband Mak (Kraibutr) must go away and fight in a war. When Mak returns he finds Nak and his newborn baby safe and well. But the villagers insist that the infant died during childbirth, and is in fact a vengeful ghost. This excellent, atmospheric rural supernatural tale is genuinely moving, and has some good shocks too.

THE NANNY (1965 US) D: SETH HOLT W/P: JIMMY SANGSTER Over-imaginative litle boy William Dix witnesses creepy nanny Bette Davis (who’s excellent) killing his little sister. Taut and suspenseful b/w Hammer horror seems more unsettling as the years go by. With Wendy Craig, Jill Bennett, James Villiers, Pamela Franklin, Jack Watling, Maurice Denham, Alfred Burke and Harry Fowler. Based on Marryam Modell’s novel.

THE NAPLES CONNECTION (contraband; the smuggler; lucail contrabandiere) (1980 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: GIANNI DE CHIARA/GIORGIO MARIUZZO/ ETTORE SANZO P: SANDRO INFASCELLI The talented, underrated Fulci made this violent, fast moving and exciting gangster movie during his late-70s/early 80s period famous for his horror movies. Fabio Testi is the star, a gang lord who has to deal with a rival mob muscling in on his smuggling racket. Highlights include a nasty rape and blowtorch scene, and the sight of the late, great director handling a uzi. Needless to say, lots of blood squibs are used. With Guido Alberti, Venantino Venantini, Ajita Wilson, Marcel Bozzuffi, Luciano Rossi, Salvatore Billa, Nello Pazzafini and Romano Puppo. Recommended.

NARC (2002 US) D/W: JOE CARNAHAN P: MICHELLE GRACE/RAY LIOTTA/DIANE NABATOFF/JULIUS R. NASSO More-or-less retired undercover narcotics agent Jason Patric takes one more assignment to find out why another narc was killed. Producer Liotta is intense and great as usual as the dead cop’s partner who may or may not be helping Patric discover the truth. Good performances, solid script and direction, and authentic street-level photography and dialogue make a good big-budget debut from the director of the indie BLOOD, GUTS, BULLETS AND OCTANE. With Chi McBride, Alan C. Petrson, Karen Robinson, Busta Rhymes and Richard Chevolleau. Tom Cruise was executive producer, which almost led to Carnahan directing MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 3 (2006). Instead he followed with the mis-steps SMOKIN’ ACES (2006) and THE A-TEAM (2010) remake. But his THE GREY (2011) was very good.

NARROW ESCAPE See: THE MAN BEHIND THE SUN 3

NASTY HUNTER (lady terminator; shooting star; the revenge of the south seas queen; snake terminator; pembalsan ratu pantai selatan) (1988 INDO) D: “JALIL JACKSON” (H. TJUT DJALILI) W: KARR KRUINOWZ P: RAM SORAYA A horny South Seas island queen has a snake pulled out of her vagina, which turns into a knife and renders her magical powers redundant. Many years later and the heroine of the piece (“I’m not a lady, I’m an anthropologist”) is scuba diving in the area. A tidal wave hits and she suddenly wakes up tied to a bed when a snake enters her vagina. Then she emerges from the ocean and fucks a couple of guys who die bloodily during intercourse, but you can’t really tell why. The possessed killer is after the female descendent of the man who originally stole the queen’s power, and this turns into a violent and pretty outrageous spin on THE TERMINATOR. The dialogue is very strange. You shouldn’t expect much supernatural stuff (like the director’s MYSTICS IN BALI, for instance), but there’s lots of action and explosions. [Illus.]

NATHALIE: ESCAPE FROM HELL (nathalie: rescapee de l’enfer) (1978 FRA) D: “JAMES GARTNER” (ALAIN PAYET) A female doctor in Nazi occupied Russia is held responsible for a high ranking soldier’s death and is sent to a bordello for nude SM sessions. Pretty tame for its type and overlong (almost two hours). With Jack Taylor, Rudy Lenoir, Alban Cercy and Richard Lemieuvre.

NATION AFLAME (1937 US) D/P: VICTOR HALPERIN W: OLIVER DRAKE/WILLIAM LIVELY/THOMAS F. DIXON JR./REX HALE P: EDWARD HALPERIN This is a fascinating, forgotten and ahead-of-its time b/w political drama that’s well worth rediscovering. A bunch of crooked businessmen abandon a real-estate scam for something more lucrative. They plug into the prejudice of the times and promote a KKK-style organisation called The Avenging Eagles that blame unemployment and juvenile delinquency on foreigners. Mob riots, strikes and racist hysteria result. Noel Madison and Harry Holman are the main villains exploiting people’s fear and hatred for money (“the suckers will eat it up”) and have secret meetings wearing hoods and capes. With Lila Lee, Earle Hodgins, “Snub” Pollard, Lee Shumway, Allan Cavan (as a newspaper editor who’s tied-up and whipped), Roger Williams, Lee Phelps, C. Montague Shaw and Carl Stockdale. Nothing but white faces in the cast you’ll notice. The strangest thing about it is that it’s based on a story by Thomas Dixon, who wrote BIRTH OF A NATION (1915)! The Halperins are better known for fictional horrors like WHITE ZOMBIE, TORTURE SHIP and REVOLT OF THE ZOMBIES.

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S ANIMAL HOUSE (animal house) (1978 US) D: JOHN LANDIS W: HAROLD RAMIS/DOUGLAS KENNEDY/CHRIS MILLER P: MATTY SIMMONS/IVAN REITMAN This influential frat house comedy hit set in 1962 is still pretty enjoyable. John Belushi is slob Brutarsky, John Vernon is the dean trying to kick the Delta house members off campus and Donald Sutherland is a stoned professor. With Tim Matheson, Tom Hulce, Mark Metcalf, Stephen Furst, Kevin Bacon, Peter Riegert, Bruce McGill, Karen Allen, Verna Bloom, Mary Louise Weller and Martha Smith. Vernon reprised his role for the short-lived DELTA HOUSE spin-off tv series (which toned down the humour).

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S LOADED WEAPON 1 (1993 US) D/W: GENE QUINTANO W: DON HOLLEY/ TORI TELLEN P: SUZANNE TODD/DAVID WILLIS NAKED GUN-style humour in this spoof of the LETHAL WEAPON series and others. Emilio Estevez (on his way down) and Samuel L. Jackson (on his way up) star as the buddy-buddy cops. It’s not too funny, but Tim Curry and William Shatner are the villains. Kathy Ireland appears in a BASIC INSTINCT leg-crossing scene. With Denise Richards, Jon Lovitz, Whoopi Goldberg, F. Murray Abraham, Bill Nunn, Dr. Joyce Brothers, James Doohan, Richard Moll, Charlie Sheen, Phil Hartman, J.T. Walsh, Charles Napier, Bruce Willis, Erik Estrada, Corey Feldman, Rick Ducomunn, Denis Leary, Paul Gleason, Lin Shaye, Christopher Lambert, Allyce Beasley and Bruce Willis.

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VAN WILDER See: VAN WILDER

NATURAL BORN KILLERS (1994 US) D: OLIVER STONE W: DAVID VELOZ/RICHARD RUTOWSKI/ QUENTIN TARANTINO P: JANE HAMSHER/DON MURPHY/CLAYON TOWNSEND I’m not the only one who hated this two-hour plus satire on a serial killer/violence obsessed media. Juliette Lewis and Woody Harrelson are the young lovers/killers on the run and this violent movie uses every possible optical FX and underground method available (it’s in b/w, colour, 16mm, Super-8, animation etc.) to make it a hallucinatory experience. I didn’t have a problem with the anything-goes style (in fact, along with Tommy Lee Jones as a prison warden, it was the best thing about it), but I do have a problem with Stone’s insistence on hammering home every message with clunking, patronising dialogue. This may seem a small concern, but it ruins the whole thing. With Robert Downey Jr., Tom Sizemore, Rodney Dangerfield, Pruitt Taylor Vince, Balthzar Getty, Edie McClurg, Denis Leary, Steven Wright, Arliss Howard, Dale Dye, Jared Harris, Red West, Joe Grifasi, Carl Ciarfalio, Marshall Bell, James Gummo, Mark Harmon, Rachel Ticotin (director’s cut only) and clips from NIGHT OF THE LEPUS. Ashley Judd and the Barbarian Brothers were deleted. Trent Reznor put the soundtrack together.

NATURAL SELECTION (cyberclone; dark reflection) (1994 US) D: JACK SHOLDER W: TODD SLAVKIN/DARREN SWIMMER P: KEVIN RIDY/ BOB LEMCHEN C. Thomas Howell stars as a computer programmer with wife and child, and his clone who arrives in town and works for the same company. The new bearded Howell charms his neglected wife (Lisa Zane) and basically wants his life (see also Shinya Tsukamoto’s GEMINI). No great shakes, but some surprises in this enjoyable tv thriller. Some plot holes spoil it a little, though. With Ethan Phillips. Keifer Sutherland was the executive producer and Alfred Sole was the production manager. Sholder is an above average director for hire.

NATURE CAMP CONFIDENTIAL See: DIARY OF A NUDIST

NATURE GIRLS ON THE MOON See: NUDE ON THE MOON

NATURE OF THE BEAST (bad company; hatchet man) (1994 US) D/W: VICTOR SALVA P: DANIEL GRODNIK/ROBERT SNUKAL/JOHN TARNOFF Tense travelling businessman Lance Henriksen gets stuck in New Mexico after a series of hatchet murders results in the roads being closed. He bumps into an in-your-face junky hitchhiker (Eric Roberts) who follows him around and insists he knows what he’s hiding in his briefcase. Meanwhile everyone is talking about money that’s been stolen from a Vegas casino. The two leads talk a lot about the dark side of human nature and there are some very intense moments. But like Salva’s later big-screen hit JEEPERS CREEPERS, this is a (predictable) one-joke movie padded out to the max. With Brion James, Phil Fondacaro, Frank Novak, Lin Shaye, Virgil Frye and Salva. Salva sexually molested one of the child stars of his feature debut CLOWNHOUSE (1989). He did time for it, but has never been truly forgiven by the public-atlarge. The case made headlines again after NATURE was released and Salva’s next (POWDER) was on the verge of becoming a hit for Buena Vista/Disney.

NATURE ON THE MOON See: NUDE ON THE MOON

NATURE’S MISTAKES See: FREAKS

NAUSICAA OF THE VALLEY OF THE WIND (warriors of the wind; kaze no tani no nausicaa) (1984 JPN ANIMATED) D/W: HAYAO MIYAZAKI P: ISAO TAKAHATA Absolutely stunning animated classic creates an astoundingly imaginative new fantasy world where valley people live in danger of utter destruction by rampant forces of nature retaliating against attack. But trying to explain this visually sumptuous and highly original tale is extremely difficult as it has no other reference point to compare it with. Get yourself a copy (beware the heavily edited English dub under the WARRIORS OF THE WIND title) and treat the family to one of the few gems I can wholeheartedly recommend as perfect for all age groups. Joe Hisashi’s soundtrack is a bonus. Miyazaki had previously made the Lupin III feature THE CASTLE OF CALIGOSTRO, and some tv work. He went on to make several milestones for his Studio Gibli, including the better known PRINCESS MONONOKE, that borrows some ideas from NAUSICAA.

NAVY FORCE See: DEADLY HEROES

NAVY SEALS (1990 US) D: LEWIS TEAGUE W: CHUCK PFARRER/GARY GOLDMAN P: BRENDA FEIGEN/ BERNARD WILLIAMS Charlie Sheen and Michael Biehn star in this pretty dull actioner about Navy Seals (who were still reasonably new and unknown to the general public at the time) battling Middle Eastern terrorists. With Joanne Whaley-Kilmer and Bill Paxton.

NAVY STORM See: HOSTILE ENVIROMENT

THE NAVY VS. THE NIGHT MONSTERS (1966 US) D/W: MICHAEL HOEY/ARTHUR C. PIERCE (uncredited) D: JON HALL (uncredited) P: GEORGE EDWARDS/ ROGER CORMAN (uncredited) In “Antarctica” (where it looks nice and warm, there’s no snow and you can clearly hear warbling insects in the background) some omnivorous ancient plant life (like Triffids, I suppose) that have been planted in a special military conservatory to keep them alive attack their hosts, even ripping-off one guy’s arm. More time, however is spent on dull romantic subplots involving nurse Mamie Van Doren, and crappy comedy. After mostly boredom for the majority of the running time, the amusing ending has an airstrike on fields of cacti and silly, slowly moving tree stumps. Based on Murray Leinster’s novel The Monster From Earth’s End, it was a troubled production that required additional material shot by Hall (MONSTER FROM THE SURF) and Pierce. With Anthony Eisley, Bill Gray, Bobby Van, Russ Bender, Walter Sande, Phillip Terry, Red West and photography from Stanley Cortez (THE NIGHT OF THE HUNTER)! Wyatt Ordung was assistant director.

NAZI HOLOCAUST See: S.S. HELL CAMP

NAZI LOVE CAMP See: LOVE CAMP 7

NEAR DARK (1987 US) D/W: KATHRYN BIGELOW W: ERIC RED P: STEVEN CHARLES JAFFE Great modern vampire fable stars Lance Henriksen as the leader of a “family” (cult) of vampires that travel around in a van with blacked-out windows looking for victims. When sunlight hits them, they catch fire (later copied in other films). The blood transfusion ending’s a bit much, but otherwise the film is excellent. With Bill Paxton, Adrian Pasdar, Joshua Miller, Tim Thomerson, Troy Evans, James LeGros and Theresa Randle.

THE NECRO FILES (1997 US) D/P: MATT JAISSLE W: TODD TJERSLAND/SAMMY SHAPIRO A disgusting killer rapist is shot dead by an increasingly unhinged and corrupt Seattle cop and his worried partner who both shout and swear a lot. A bunch of hooded Satanists gather (in broad daylight) at the killer’s grave to kill (and piss on) a baby (an obvious doll) to resurrect him. He does indeed come back as a rotting zombie rapist killer with a large prosthetic hard-on. The baby also returns and flies (!) around killing, thanks to another spell from some freaked out satanists (they also provide the comic relief). Tjersland (who has a small part) ran the Threat Theatre mail order company, wrote Sex, Shocks and Sadism and is responsible for the FACES OF GORE shockumentary tapes. He was obviously out to offend, but this very low-budget production is just silly, rarely entertaining and would only offend the most gullible puritan. With Dru Berrymore. Jaissle (who also photographed and edited) also made LEGION OF THE NIGHT and BACK FROM HELL (1993).

THE NECRO FILES 2: LUST NEVER DIES (2003 US) D: RON CARLO W: TODD TJERSLAND If the original worked for you then you’ll probably enjoy this more-of-the-same sequel. The same cops are after the same resurrected killer corpse with a huge dick and his porno editing brother who kills, rapes and eats women in a skull mask. A punk with a Brit accent says, “Blimey, it’s a zombie!”, there’s an SM spanking scene, sexual harassment in a filthy toilet stall and fake cum shots. All hilarious, of course. With Rod Fontana, Taylor St. Clair, Lisa Sparxxx and Gen Padora. Tjersland (an executive producer) had a hand in the FX, and Carlo shot it. It’s 69 mins long.

NECROMANCY See: THE WITCHING

NECROMANIA (1971 US) D/W/P: EDWARD D. WOOD JR. Wood’s final completed movie as director (based on his novel The Only House) was considered lost for years until it turned up in a truncated version (missing the opening credits and hardcore sex footage). What remains (about 40 mins) is for only the most ardent of Wood fans. Maria Oronoff, Rene Bond, Ric Lutz and Paul Marco appear, there’s sex in a coffin, a skull, a vague outline of a plot but mostly just near-X fondling and licking scenes.

NECRONOMICON (1993 US) D/W/P: BRIAN YUZNA D/W: CHRISTOPHE GANS D: SHUSUKE KANEKO W: BRENT V. FRIEDMAN/KAZUNORI ITO P: SAMUEL HADIDA Jeffrey Combs is H.P. Lovecraft reading tales inspired by the Necronomicon in the wraparound segment of this horror trilogy. Bruce Payne inherits an old clifftop hotel overlooking the ocean, previously owned by a blasphemous Richard Lynch in the first story, The Drowned (by Gans). David Warner is a scientist developing a serum to restore life in the ridiculous The Cold (by Kaneko). Whispers (by Yuzna) has a cop who gets involved with a very strange story indeed. (you should see for yourself). All the stories and the wraparound are entertaining enough and feature great, fun FX (overseen by Tom Rainone and Tom Savini). With Maria Ford, Gary Graham, Millie Perkins, Don Calfa, Juan Fernandez, Vladimir Kulich, Dennis Christopher, Obba Babatunde, Yuzna and Tony Azito. David L. Hewitt supervised opticals.

NECROPOLIS (1986 US) D/W: BRUCE HICKEY P: TIM KINCAID/CYNTHIA DE PAULA A punk-look reincarnation of a New Amsterdam (Bronx in the old days) witch uses psychic powers to make people kill themselves or others, and grows four extra breasts covered in ectoplasm in this nonsensical, bad and pretty boring Empire release (Charles Band was the uncredited executive producer). A black priest, a young cop and his cute Brit girlfriend are the heroes. It’s one of the least entertaining of several low-budget NYC-lensed oddities made around the same time by Kincaid (aka gay porn legend Joe Gage) and De Paula (which usually feature the FX work of Ed French).

NED KELLY (1970 UK) D/W: TONY RICHARDSON W: IAN JONES P: NEIL HARTLEY Mick Jagger is the real-life Irish settler outlaw in Australia who became a working class hero for leading his brothers on a crime spree targeting the oppressive rich cattle barons. Probably due for some kind of unrequired reappraisal resulting from the 2003 remake starring Heath Ledger, but NED KELLY was a boring waste of time on its original release and still is.

NEEDFUL THINGS (1993 US) D: FRASER CLARKE HESTON W: W.D. RICHTER P: JACK CUMMINS Tiresome and awfully predictable Stephen King adaption has Max von Sydow (who may be the Devil) opening an antiques shop in a small town and proceeding to stir the shit, setting the inhabitants against each other. Might be ok if it was cheap cable filler, but this was a major release in theatres and is two hours long. Ed Harris stars as the sheriff. With Bonnie Bedelia, Amanda Plummer, J.T. Walsh, Ray McKinnon, Duncan Fraser, Shane Meier, Don S. Davis, Frank C. Turner, Gillian Barber, Lochlyn Munro, Mel Allen and an uncredited Lisa Blount.

NEEDLE (death doll) (2010 AUSL) D/W: JOHN V. SOTO W: ANTHONY EGAN P: DEIDRE KITCHER College students are killed off by someone using a stolen voodoo device, an antique box that carves wax statuettes, that was used in the Grand Guignol theatre. Mutilated victims are cooked by electricity. This horror movie with an anticlimactic killer unmasking seems to have a cool premise, but is actually very, very boring. Shame. Michael Dorman and Travis Fimmel star.

NEGOTIATOR (1997) See: METRO

THE NEGOTIATOR (verhandungssache) (1998 US GER) D: F. GARY GRAY W: JAMES DE MONACO/ KEVIN FOX P: DAVID HOBERMAN/ARNON MILCHAN Samuel L. Jackson is an ex-army police negotiator who’s set-up for the murder of his partner by corrupt feds laundering police disability funds. Rather than take the fall, he takes Internal Affairs officer J.T. Walsh and others hostage in the Chicago administration building. Kevin Spacey is the other negotiator called in (by Jackson himself) to rescue the hostages while Jackson tries to prove his innocence. It’s a pretty good conspiracy/action movie that should keep you entertained. With David Morse, Ron Rifkin, John Spencer, Paul Giamatti, Dean Norris, Jack Shearer, Michael Shamus Wiles, Tom Bower and Paul Guilfoyle. It was Walsh’s final role and is dedicated to him.

NEJI SHIKI (1998 JPN) D/W/P: TERUO ISHII P: KEIKO KOBAYASHI Tadanobu Asano stars as 1960s manga writer Yoshiharu Tsuge (notorious for his dark, weird strips) in this semi-biographical filming of several of his tales. The first two thirds are very, very dull and nothing really happens (a lot like the original strips, in fact) but the final part (a more-or-less frame-by-frame adaption of the short Neji Shiki strip) is pretty well-done (but why change the original speedboat ending?). They should have released this part on its own as a short (with the good opening and closing credit sequences). With Miki Fujitani, Yuko Fujimori, Kazuhiko Kanayama, Karuo Mizuki, Nijiko Kiyokawa and Tetsuro Tanba. Ishii directed many more interesting features in the 60s and 70s.

NEKROMANTIK (1987 W.GER) D/W: JÖRG BUTTGEREIT W: FRANZ RODENKIRCHEN P: MANFRED O. JELINSKI An autobahn accident clean-up crew member brings dead bodyparts home for his girlfriend. One day he brings a rotting copse back, they give it a makeshift iron cock and fuck it. She runs away with the copse and he gets increasingly insane (as if he wasn’t to begin with). With a head sliced in half, a cemetery sex scene, a rabbit being skinned (real, and backwards) and a cat is killed (not real). I kinda enjoyed this arty gore fan favourite, but am glad it’s only about 70 mins long. Goofy (as opposed to offensive) fun. Buttergeit and Kirchen have parts (in the sequel too).

NEKROMANTIK 2 (1989 W.GER) D/W: JÖRG BUTTGEREIT W: FRANZ RODENKIRCHEN P: MANFRED O. JELINSKI More obsessive necro fun. A corpsefucking lady keeps dead dicks in the fridge and dates a living guy. Bigger budget, slower pace and longer (too long), it doesn’t have much to add to the original, but the ending is quite shocking and I suppose fans will love both. A Japanese rental tape compiles a two hour saga from both entries. CORPSE FUCKING ART (1987) is a documentary about Buttgereit from around the same time.

NEMESIS (1978) See: RINGS OF FEAR

NEMESIS (1990) See: SHAKMA

NEMESIS (1992 US DEN) D: ALBERT PYUN W: REBECCA CHARLES P: ASH R. SHAW/ERIC KARSON/ TOM KARNOWSKI Olivier Gruner is a part-cyborg LA cop in post-nuke 2027 who can’t decide if he’s fighting for Cyborg Liberation or the other side in this confused, time-wasting BLADE RUNNER variation. Tim Thomerson and Brion James (who were real-life ’nam vet buddies) put a bomb in his heart to try to blow up someone who’s stolen security plans (or something). With Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Nicholas Guest, Yuji Okumoto, Vincent Klyn, Thomas Jane, Branscombe Richmond and lots of tiresome action. The only good parts are when James (who does a comical Euro accent) is on screen (not often).

NEMESIS 2: NEBULA (1995 US) D/W: ALBERT PYUN P: TOM KARNOWSKI/GARY SCHMOELLER If you thought the original was bad, this TERMINATOR rip-off “sequel” really sucks. A baby from a future of humans vs cyborgs is injected with DNA to make her superhuman; her mother takes her back in time to East Africa 1980 where she grows up to be female bodybuilder Sue Price in a loincloth (in what is actually the Arizona desert). She helps sisters held hostage by revolutionaries while being chased by a cyborg named Nebula. Some action breaks up the tedium.

NEMESIS 3: (TIME LAPSE or PREY HARDER) (1995 US) D/W: ALBERT PYUN P: GARY SCHMOELLER/TOM KARNOWSKI In this senseless rip-off sequel, Sue Price wakes up in the desert with amnesia. She has a ridiculous amount of flashbacks to part two and meets “mercenary” Tim Thomerson who is occasionally seen as a robot with glowing eyes. He turns out to be a cyborg leading a team from the future who want to know her DNA structure. There’s more “comedy” in this pretty desperate entry. It also has some of the most pointless uses of computer FX in recent memory. The ending (a set-up for the utterly unwanted part 4) really sucks. With Norbert Weisser.

NEMESIS 4: CRY OF ANGELS (1995 US) D/W: ALBERT PYUN P: TOM KARNOWSKI/GARY SCHMOELLER Muscular Sue Price (who has lots of unappealing nude scenes and a hard to believe cyber-fuck scene) returns in another insultingly useless entry in the series. This time she’s an ageing hitwoman hired by Andrew Divoff (who wears shades to try to disguise the fact that he’s reading cue cards) to kill someone in Eastern Europe (familiar ruined buildings landscape). The plot involving her killing the wrong person and other hitmen hunting her is nonsensical at best, and there are lots of interminable time-wasting conversations. Extending spikes emerge from Price’s nipples in one scene and poke through a man’s head! With Nicholas Guest and Norbert Weisser.

NEON CITY (battle truck 2053) (1991 US) D/W: MONTE MARKHAM W: BUCK FINCH/GUS PETERS W/P: JEFF BEGUN P: WOLF SCHMIDT/KEN SOLOMON It’s a bleak post-nuke version of STAGECOACH (1939). Michael Ironside stars as a bounty hunter transporting wanted murderer Vanity to Neon City aboard a public transport truck. “Skins” replace Indians and there are radioactive clouds and “brights” to deal with. The other passengers include an unfunny stand-up comedian who sells suicide medicine to mutant families who want to die. It’s actually pretty good and a lot better than most post-nuke action movies. With Juliet Landau and Markham.

NEON GENESIS EVANGELION (shin seiki evangelion) (1995 JPN ANIMATED) D/W: HIDEKI ANNO D: HIROYUKI ISHIDO/KEICHI SUGIYAMA/KAZUYA TSURUMAKI/SEIJI MIZUSHIMA/TSUYOSHI KAGA/ TENSAI OKAMURA/MASAHIRO OTSUKA/MASAYUKI/ SHOICHI MASUO/KEN ANPO W: YOJI ENOKIDO/ SHINJI HIGUCHI/AKIO SATSUKAWA/HIROSHI YAMAGUCHI P: NORIKO KOBAYASHI/YUTAKA SUGIYAMA Apparently born from a very long stretch of extreme depression he suffered in the early 90s, Anno created and oversaw this groundbreaking, unforgettable and influential animated tv series for the studio Gainax. At 26 episodes long (each episode 25 mins), it tells the (multicharacter) story of a future Tokyo-3 under attack from large alien bio-robots called Angels, and the personnel of the NERV defence unit who train a trio of “chosen” schoolchildren to pilot EVA robots that fight back. If it sounds like juvenile-aimed wish fulfillment, think again. Dizzyingly choreographed, operatic battle scenes mingle with economic but moving drama featuring engaging characters. The result is addictive, compulsive sci-fi, and I have no idea how first-time watchers could bare to watch just one episode at a time and have to wait for the next instalment. Complaints about violence in episode 18 resulted in a drastic budget cut, so later episodes seem cheaper with more reused footage to pad out time. Increasingly insular and difficult-to-follow plot dynamics in the last few episodes left many fans unimpressed, but I think the effect is culminative. Alternate director’s cut versions of episodes 21–24 are recommended, and episodes 25 and 26 were later expanded for the OAV END OF EVNGELION. DEATH AND REBIRTH OF EVANGELION seems to be some kind of condensed feature version with new footage. Anno later helmed the live-action hit CUTIE HONEY, and there was later a fine trilogy of EVANGELION theatrical releases retelling the story with superior animation, and some fresh surprises.

NEON MANIACS (1985 US) D: JOSEPH MANGINE W: MARK PATRICK CARDUCCI P: STEVEN MACKLER/ CHRIS ARNOLD No one believes San Francisco high school teens when they say that monsters from under the Golden Gate Bridge killed their classmates, in this somewhat different but far too silly horror movie. One of the men-in-monster-mask creatures is dressed like a samurai and brandishes a sword. Turns out regular water can kill them, so supersoakers are used (an idea later copied in several teen vampire movies). Look for Andrew Divoff in a small part. Years earlier Mangine directed a nudie drug movie called SMOKE AND FLESH (1968). Carducci made the Ed Wood documentary FLYING SAUCERS OVER HOLLYWOOD.

NEPAL AFFAIR See: WITCH FROM NEPAL

THE NEPTUNE DISASTER See: THE NEPTUNE FACTOR

THE NEPTUNE FACTOR (the neptune disaster) (1973 CAN) D: DANIEL PETRIE W: JACK DE WITT P: SANFORD HOWARD An underwater research lab sinks into a fissure in the Atlantic following an earthquake. Reluctant Ben Gazzara pilots an experimental minisub rescue mission. Ernest Borgnine and Yvette Mimieux are aboard, while Walter Pidgeon worries up-top. Nothing happens for most of the running time, and when it’s finally monster time, a small model-kit sub mixed with close-up photography of regular fish and crabs (to make them appear giant) just doesn’t work at all. With Donnelly Rhodes and Stuart Gillard. Well fucking boring, to quote the Bard.

THE NERD TERMINATOR See: ASSAULT OF THE PARTY NERDS

THE NEST (1988 US) D: TERENCE H. WINKLESS W: ROBERT KING P: JULIE CORMAN Mutated giant cockroaches start to eat animals and humans and then mutate into imitations of their prey in this underdeveloped horror movie with a good premise that was later expanded upon for MIMIC.

NEST (2009) See: THE NEW DAUGHTER

NEST OF SPIES See: DANGER!! DEATH RAY

NETHERWORLD (1992 US) D/W: “BILLY CHICAGO” (DAVID SCHMOELLER) W: CHARLES BAND P: THOMAS BRADFORD There is an hour or so of your life to be wasted on this Full Moon release about a young man about to inherit a southern estate from his soon to be resurrected father. A brothel holds secrets and a flying stone hand tears open faces (brief gore scenes). Charles Band was the executive producer of this worthless (and senseless) horror. Schmoeller appears briefly. With Robert Sampson.

NETJACK See: SILICON TOWERS

NEUTRON the atomic super-man VS. THE MANIAC (neutron contra del criminal sadiso) (1964 MEX) D: ALFREDO B. CREVENNA W/P: EMILIO GOMEZ MURIEL W: ALFREDO RUANOVA Former pro wrestler Wolf Ruvinskis was in many films, but was most famous for being Neutron, a Santo-like black-masked hero (who uses wrestling moves and karate chops) in a series of five b/w features. This is the fourth (following the 1960 trilogy of NEUTRON THE BLACK MASK, NEUTRON VS. THE DEATH ROBOTS and NEUTRON VS. THE AMAZING DR. CARONTE). A masked killer with a big knife (he looks like he’s out of an Italian giallo picture) records his murders on film (inspired by PEEPING TOM perhaps?). A phony blind pianist sees him escape into a psychiatric hospital, so an undercover hero sizes up the patients as possible suspects. Despite there being a few wrestler characters, this doesn’t have the expected wrestling match filler footage, but is still extremely slowmoving and never very exciting (or interesting). The best part for me was when an all-black band playing in a club do some very strange dancing. With Gina Romand and Rodolfa Wanda (the brother of a former Mexican president). For some reason, the same year’s final entry NEUTRON CONTRA LOS ASESINOS DEL KARATE was the only one not dubbed into English for export.

THE NEVER DEAD See: PHANTASM (series)

THE NEVER ENDING STORY (die unendliche geschiehte) (1984 W.GER UK) D/W: WOLFGANG PETERSON W: HERMAN WEIGEL P: BERND EICHINGER/ DICTER GESSLER/BERND SCHAEFERS This pro-imagination expensive kids’ fantasy stars Barret Oliver as the kid who becomes part of the book he is reading. There’s rock men and flying dogs and typical cute, silly furry things in the land of Fantasia. Based on a book by Michael Ende (who had his name removed). With Moses Gunn, Gerald McRaney, Tilo Pruckner, and Patricia Hayes. From the director of DAS BOOT (1981), who later made stuff like SHATTERED (1991) and OUTBREAK in Hollywood.

NEVER ENDING STORY 2: THE NEXT CHAPTER (1990 GER US) D: GEORGE MILLER W: KARIN HOWARD P: DIETER GEISSLER Bastian (Jonathan Brandis) returns to the fantasy land of the book to prevent its imminent destruction by an evil order-obsessed witch. I guess if your kids liked the first one then this should also suffice. With Andreas Borcherding. Mark Damon was the executive producer, and it was filmed in Munich, Canada, Argentina, France and Italy.

THE NEVER ENDING STORY 3 (unendliche geschiehte 3) (1994 US GER) D: PETER MACDONALD W: JEFF LIEBERMAN/KARIN HOWARD P: HEINZ BIBO/DIETER GEISSLER/TIM HAMPTON/KLAUS KAEHLER/ HAROLD TICHENOR Awful second sequel is a good example of how some people think they can get away with any old crap in a kids’ movie. Jason James Richter (famous for the hit friendly whale movie FREE WILLY at the time) is the kid with the book from the previous entries. A prestardom Jack Black is the leader of “the nasties” (school bullies). With Julie Cox, Freddie Jones, Tony Robinson, Kevin McNulty and Hrothgar Mathews. I was surprised to see Lieberman (SQUIRM) credited with the screenplay! A NEVER ENDING STORY Euro tv series followed in 96.

NEVER SAY DIE (1994 US) D: YOSSI WEIN W: JEFF ALBERT P: DANNY LERNER Billy Drago is a Jim Jones-style cult leader who has a commune (“the Garden of Eden”) in the Everglades. Frank Zagarino is an ex-military speedboat mechanic hero who served with Drago in ’nam. Pretty lame action movie. With Gideon Emery.

NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN (james bond 007-sag nieman’s nice) (1983 US UK W.GER) D: IRVIN KERSHNER W: LORENZO SEMPLE JR./IAN LE FRENAIS (uncredited)/DICK CLEMENT (uncredited) P: JACK SCHWARTZMAN This was made as an alternative to OCTOPUSSY (with Roger Moore) and starred Sean Connery as 007 for the last time. Both are very bad. It begins with Connery at a health spa. The plot involving stolen nuclear missiles up for ransom is a retread of typical SPECTRE antics from previous Bond outings, but Klaus Maria Brandauer is the real villain here. Kim Basinger is the nice Bond girl and Barbara Carrera is the femme fatale. Rowan Atkinson provides comic relief. With Bernie Casey, Edward Fox (as M, and Q and Moneypenny are also not played by regulars), Valerie Leon, Gavin O’Herlihy (from DEATH WISH 3), Ronald Pickup and Michael Medwin. A VIEW TO A KILL followed.

NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS (stranger; l’inconnu; spiel mit dem fever) (1995 US CAN GER) D: PETER HALL W: LEWIS A. GREEN/JORDAN RUSH P: ANDRAS HAMORI/JEFFREY R. NEUMAN/MARTIN J. WILEY Rebecca De Mornay (an executive producer) is a criminal psychologist who’s stalked by someone who kills her cat. Could it be her new boyfriend Antonio Banderas? You’re in for a dull time if you want to find out. With Dennis Miller, Harry Dean Stanton, Eugene Lipinski, Beau Starr, Phillip Jarrett, John Bourgeois and Tom Meyler.

NEVER TOO LATE See: IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND

NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND See: IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND

THE NEW ADVENTURES OF BATMAN AND ROB

IN See: BATMAN AND ROBIN (1949)

NEW ALCATRAZ (iceland) (2001 US) D/W/P: PHILLIP ROTH W: TERRI NEISH P: JEFF BEACH/KEN OLANDT An international maximum security prison is being built underground at the South Pole. Drilling releases a giant snake that eats humans. Paleontologist Dean Cain and his wife are called in to help. Craig Wasson is the warden. The kind of mindrotting crap that will have you staring at the ceiling, the walls, anywhere but the screen. PYTHON (which had a similarly unconvincing computer generated snake) wasn’t up to much, but was a masterpiece compared to this. With Grand L. Bush and Dana Ashbrook.

THE NEW BARBARIANS See: WARRIORS OF THE WASTELAND

THE NEW BIG BOSS See: LEGEND OF THE WOLF

THE NEW DAUGHTER (nest) (2009 US) D: LUIS BERDEJO W: JOHN TRAVIS P: PAUL BROOKS Divorcee writer Kevin Costner moves into a big old house on the edge of a small town, with his teenage daughter (Ivana Baquero from the 2006 classic PAN’S LABYRINTH) and younger son (Gattlin Griffith from Clint Eastwood’s CHANGELING [2008]). Baquero seems attracted to a nearby Indian burial mound, keeps coming home covered in dirt and is acting pretty weird. Subtle and low-key for the most part, and a patchwork of ideas from countless other movies, but I quite liked this old-fashioned horror flick. If it was based on H.P. Lovecraft (it’s not, it’s from a short story by John Connolly), it would be one of the better screen adaptations. With Samantha Mathis as a teacher, Noah Taylor (who’s barely in it) as an expert on mounds, James Gammon (in his final screen role) as a previous, crazed owner of the house and Erik Palladino as the sheriff. Berdejo co-wrote [?REC]. Travis co-wrote THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY.

NEW DEATH FILE (shin death file) (199? JPN) P: SUSUMU MITSUEDA An on-screen narrator (producer Mitsueda) informs us that this shockumentary is the sixth entry in the DEATH FILE series (I’ve only seen DEATH FILE: VERSION RED and know of a YELLOW and BLACK). It includes the usual mondo images of mangled bodies. For fans of its type I suppose it’s worth checking out because it has lots of Asian footage I’ve never seen anywhere else. I know that these kinds of vids are meant to be taken with a pinch of salt, but one section is truly shocking. Apparently in Thailand illegal drug factories make medicine from the basic ingredients required but haven’t a clue about the dosage or how it should be mixed. Bottles of the stuff are then sold in shops with legitimate pharmaceutical company labels stuck on! Some of the side effects result in handicapped children that have to leave their parents to live in special homes. Others aren’t so lucky and we see deformed foetuses in jars. Also with Penitents in the Philippines flogging and crucifying themselves. Eyes and groins are optically blurred or blacked-out. It runs about 60 mins and is from Mad Video. Another DEATH FILE is promised but I don’t know if it was released. [Illus.]

NEW DRAGON GATE INN See: DRAGON INN

NEW FIST OF FURY (xin jing wu men; san cheng miu moon) (1976 HK) D/W/P: LO WEI W: POON CHUI Jackie Chan learns kung fu to fight evil Japanese invaders in Taiwan. Wei is also in the cast of this pretty useless follow up to the Bruce Lee favourite. With Nora Miao, Chan Sing, Shih Ting Ken, Han Ying, Liu Ping and Ho Wai Hung.

THE NEW GAME OF DEATH See: GOODBYE BRUCE LEE, HIS LAST GAME OF DEATH

THE NEW GLADIATORS See: ROME 2033: THE FIGHTER CENTURIONS

NEW HOUSE ON THE LEFT See: NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS

NEW JACK CITY (1991 US) D: MARIO VAN PEEBLES W: THOMAS LEE WRIGHT/BARRY MICHAEL COOPER P: DOUG McHENRY/GEORGE JACKSON Wesley Snipes is a kind of Nicky Barnes type responsible for the whole escalation of crack in NYC in 1986. He says “you got to rob to get rich in the Reagan era”. Ice T and Judd Nelson (who’s pretty useless) are the cops trying to take him down. Peebles appears as their boss. Filmed in Harlem and the Bronx, it’s a reasonably entertaining morality/action crime movie. With Chris Rock, Russell Wong, Bill Nunn, Thalmus Rasulala (in his last role), Eek-a-Mouse, Bill Cobbs and Tina Lifford. It’s basically the SCARFACE (1983) plot again.

THE NEW KIDS (striking back) (1984 US) D/P: SEAN S. CUNNINGHAM W: STEPHEN GYLLENHAAL/ BRIAN TAGGERT P: ANDREW FOGELSON After their distinguished military father (Tom Atkins) and mother die, teen Lori Loughlin and her brother go to live at their uncle’s run-down amusement park ranch in Florida. At school they butt heads with a psycho James Spader (in one of his most memorable roles) and his gang of redneck bullies. Things get a lot nastier than the PG rating may suggest in this pretty good teen revenge movie, better than most of Cunningham’s work. With Eric Stoltz. Novelist Harry Crews apparently had a hand in contributing “authentic swamp trash dialogue”, but I can’t say I really noticed one way or the other (at least, not over twenty years later).

NEW LEGENDARY WEAPONS OF KUNG FU See: LEGENDARY WEAPONS OF CHINA

THE NEWLYDEADS (zombie honeymoon) (1988 US) D/W/P: JOSEPH MERHI W: SEAN DASH P: RICHARD PEPIN The owner of a lakeside motel makes advances on a transvestite. When he discovers “she” is a man, he shoves an icepick in his head. Fifteen years later the transvestite’s vengeful ghost kills honeymooning couples at the motel. A deaf elderly couple provide comic relief in this awful cheapie, an early release from Merhi and Pepin’s City Lights (later PM). Busy Jay Richardson has a part. Pepin did the photography.

THE NEW MAFIA BOSS (crime boss; sicilian mafia) (1972 ITL) D/W: ALBERTO DE MARTINO W: LUCIO BATTISTRADA/LUIGI MORDINI P: GINO MORDINI Antonio Sabata stars as a country hick who becomes part of and eventually takes over Telly Savalas’ gangster operations. Quite a good story told fairly flatly. Watchable/forgettable. Aristide Massaccesi was the photographer. Director DeMartino has a typically colourful career for an Italian exploitation director, but the quality is erratic. He started with peplums like THE INVINCIBLE GLADIATOR and MEDUSA AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES, and later made OPERATION KID BROTHER, THE PUMA MAN and HOLOCAUST 2000 (1977)!

NEWMAN’S LAW (1974 US) D: RICHARD T. HEFFRON W: ANTHONY WILSON P: RICHARD IRVING George Peppard is a determined cop who won’t stay away from a case connected with high-level corruption that costs him his badge in this not very interesting crime thriller that plays like a tv movie. With Eugene Roche, Gordon Pinnent, Abe Vigoda, Michael Lerner, David Spielberg, Kip Niven and Titos Vandis.

THE NEW ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN (triple irons; san duk bei diy; xin du bei dao) (1971 HK) D: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW The ever-likeable David Chiang is a young swordsman who loses his arm during a duel with villain Ku Feng. He seeks no vengeance and leads a peaceful life until his friend Ti Lung is killed by Feng, and then Chiang takes on the bastard and his army in this Shaw Bros classic. Tang Chia and Liu Chia Lang are responsible for the full-blooded, ahead-of-its-time fighting on display. A must-see. With Wong Chung, Yuen Shun-Yi, Li Ching, Chan Sing, Sham Chin Bo, Wong Ching Ho, Shum Lo, Wong Pau Gei, Bruce Tong, Wong Kwong Yue, Hsu Hsia, Huang Ha, Yen Shi-Kwan, Fung Hak-On, Yuen Cheung Yan, Wong Ching, Wong Mei and Gam Gwan.

NEW POLICE STORY (1993) See: CRIME STORY

NEW POLICE STORY (police story 5; san ging chaat goo si; xin jing cha gu shi) (2004 HK) D/P: BENNY CHAN W: ALAN YUEN P: WILLIE CHEN/SOLAN SO CHI-HUNG/BARBIE TUNG After too may disappointing Hollywood excursions, Jackie Chan starred in a sequel-in-name-only geared towards his hardcore fan base. He’s a clichéd burnt out alcoholic cop traumatised by the death of several rookies working under him while after a young gang of hate-filled thrill-seeking BMXers. They even turned the tragedy into an online video game just to rub salt into the wounds. Nicholas Tse convinces Chan to clean up his act and pursue the gang once more. Many viewers resented the rather silly and patchy script, but the original POLICE STORY series’ screenplays were threadbare, too. I think people just noticed it more this time because (unlike the original) this isn’t a comedy. But most importantly this does deliver some amazing stunts (someone rides a bike down the side of a building) and a good fight in a lego shop. It may not be POLICE STORY, but fair play to (the middle-aged) Jackie for trying his best, and delivering some topnotch thrills. With Daniel Wu, Charlene Choi, Yu Rong Guang, Terence Yin, Andy on (from BLACK MASK 2) and the usual end credit outtakes.

NEW ROSE HOTEL (1998 US) D/W: ABEL FERRARA W: CHRIS ZOIS P: EDWARD R. PRESSMAN Christopher Walken seems to be enjoying himself as a limping con artist in a white suit who convinces Willem Dafoe to help convince a young lounge singer (Asia Argento) to seduce a brilliant Japanese genetic scientist (animation designer and illustrator Yoshitaka Amano) who has rival companies offering him stuff like a private harem, but is still bored with life (and wife Gretchen Mol, only seen briefly). Dafoe seems to be highly reluctant, and is maybe in love with Argento. But it takes until the end of this extremely low-key movie for us to find out what’s going on (with a criminal amount of flashbacks). William Gibson was reportedly quite pleased with this adaptation of his story (it is better and more faithful in tone than JOHNNY MNEMONIC). Set in Tokyo (in case that slipped you by), it was originally filmed in Miami (in 96), with some other scenes added later. Ferrara’s increasingly less dynamic post-BODY SNATCHERS films have found a very small and select hardcore receptive audience. I think he’s one of the most underrated American talents working today and belong to that core, but I must admit that this is the one recent film of his that I did not like very much. Very little happens (over and over again thanks to the flashbacks) and it’s catatonic at best. With Annabella Sciorra, John Lurie, cinematographer Ken Kelsch, Ryuichi Sakamoto and Vic Argo. Schooly D provides the soundtrack.

NEW SHAOLIN BOXER (grand master of death; grand master of kung fu; demon fist of kung fu; choi lee bat siu ji; cai li fo xiao zi; the choy lay fat kid) (1976 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: BO JIE Alexander Fu Sheng keeps getting into trouble fighting with the local town thugs (including Leung Kar Yan). His kung fu teacher (Shan Mao) sends him to study kung fu with master Chen Wai Lau. Mao is killed (with a steel claw), so Fu Sheng seeks revenge. With Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Philip Kwok and Wang Li. Average Chang Cheh outing features fight choreography by Liu Chia Liang. Wu Ma was assistant director.

NEW TALE OF ZATOICHI See: MASSEUR ICHI ENTERS AGAIN

NEW TOTAL RECALL See: MARS

NEW WAVE HOOKERS (1985 US) D/W/P: “GREGORY DARK” (GREGORY HIPPOLYTE) Hippolyte and Walter Gernet became The Dark Bros and started to release porn under that name in 1984. They made LET ME TELL YA ABOUT WHITE CHICKS (1984) and then this, which is considered a minor classic that revitalised the dying mid-80s US porn scene. It is very good with decent fuck scenes and a funny, warped sense of humour. It’s also the place to see an underage Traci Lords (in the recalled, illegal uncut prints). Jamie Gillis and Jack Baker fantasise about running a hooker escort agency. Steve Powers is their psychic dog who pretends to be the phone! The other girls are Ginger Lynn, Desiree Lane, Kimerly Carson, Kristana Barrington, Brooke Fields and Gina Carrera. They listen to “new wave” music on headphones to turn themselves on. With Peter North, Tom Byron and Steve Drake. There were many sequels. Incidentally, the best and most balanced take on the Traci Lords scandal that I have read is a chapter in Robert Rosen’s superb Headpress book of reminisces on the adult magazine industry, Beaver Street.

NEW WORLD DISORDER (1999 LUX US) D: RICHARD SPENCE W: JEFFREY SMITH/EHREN KRUGER P: SILVIO MURAGLIA/TOM REEVE Sleep-inducing cable filler has Andrew McCarthy as the leader of a crew robbing companies of microchips. They get their hands on a computer programme that can control satellite networks. Portly, alcoholic old technophobe detective Rutger Hauer teams up with young hi-tech Fed agent Tara Fitzgerald to catch the crooks. Considering the highlight is Hauer doing a bit of a dance, I’d leave well alone.

NEW YEAR’S EVIL (1980 US) D/W: EMMETT ALSTON W: LEONARD NEUBAUER P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS Bands Shadow (who sing the theme tune) and Made In Japan perform live on LA’s Hollywood Hotline show before a studio audience of bizarre punk/metal-look teens who dance and shuffle like zombies (someone’s idea of what the “new wave” was like, I guess). The New Year countdown show is hosted by Roz Kelly, who receives calls from a killer planning to murder a woman for every coast-to-coast time zone that hits midnight. Kip Niven is the killer who wears several disguises to seduce his victims. With Grant Cramer, John Alderman and a trip to the drive-in where a trailer for a BLOOD FEAST/BLOOD BATH double bill plays. It’s a lousy and bloodless slasher flick from Cannon (Alston later directed NINE DEATHS OF THE NINJA for them).

NEW YORK 1997 See: ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK

THE NEW YORK RIPPER (manhattan ripper; lo squartatore di new york) (1982 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: GIANFRANCO CLERICI/DARDANO SACCHETTI/ VINCENZO MANNINO P: FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS If you’ve never seen a Fulci film and aren’t easily offended, this sleazy exploitation classic is a good start. A killer with a Donald Duck-style voice taunts the police as he slashes up sexually active “bad” women in New York City. Some of the violence is pretty extreme, and it caused quite a stir in some countries (as in the UK, when it was submitted to the BBFC for video release and rejected outright). You may find parts laughable, but this is also very well made, with an amazingly downbeat ending that preempts SE7EN by over a decade. With Almanta Suska, Howard Ross, Michele Soavi and the usual Fulci cameo. Recommended.

NEW YORK VAMPIRE See: GRAVEYARD SHIFT (1986)

THE NEW ZATOICHI STORY: BLOODBATH AT KASAMA (the blind swordsman’s conspiracy; zatoichi’s conspiracy; zatoichi at the bloodfest; shin zatoichi monogatari: kasama no chimatsuri) (1973 JPN) D: KIMIYOSHI YASUDA W: YOSHI HATTORI P: HIROYOSHI NISHIOKA/SHINTARO KATSU Judging by the title and the anticlimactic (in retrospect) nature of this lesser (but still good) entry in the unmissable series, about a blind masseur and master swordsman (Shinatro Katsu) who fights small-town corruption, no one expected it to be the last in the original 25-part series that started back in 1962. With Kei Sato, Yukiyo Toake, Eiji Okada, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Shiro Kishibe (from the hit tv series MONKEY), Eri Yokoyama, Tatsuo Endo and Takashi Shimura. From 1974 to 1979, Katsu was immensely popular as Zatoichi on tv (highly recommended for fans, the remarkable consistency of the series provides you with about a 100 minimovies to feed your addiction). He returned with his own feature ZATOICHI in 1989.

NICE GIRLS DON’T EXPLODE (1987 US) D: CHUCK MARTINEL W: PAUL HARRIS P: DOUG CURTIS/JOHN WELLS Michelle Meyrink is a telekinetic young woman who can start fires when she gets horny in this minor but kinda likeable New World comedy. With Wallce Shawn, Irwin Keyes and Holmes Osborne.

NICE GUY See: MR. NICE GUY

NICK OF TIME (1995 US) D/P: JOHN BADHAM W: PATRICK SHEANE DUNCAN Businessman Johnny Depp’s little girl is kidnapped as soon as they arrive in LA. Christopher Walken (with a moustache) tells him he must assassinate the Governor (Marsha Mason) at a gala function within 75 mins, or the girl is dead. Nail-biting thriller follows Depp’s attempts to warn someone of what is happening while not alerting the ever-present Walken. It appears to be filmed in real time, a technique used way back in 1949 for THE SET-UP. With Charles S. Dutton, Peter Strauss, Roma Maffia, Gloria Reuben, Bill Smitrovich, G.D. Spradlin and Clark Johnson. Well worth catching if it turns up on your tv.

NICO (above the law) (1988 US HK) D/W: ANDREW DAVIS W/P: STEVEN SEGAL W: STEVEN PRESSFIELD/ RONALD SHUSETT P: ROBERT H. SOLO Segal’s debut is still one of his best, but that isn’t really saying much. He’s a ’nam-vet, ex-CIA cop battling evil crimelord Henry Silva. With Pam Grier (in a coma), Sharon Stone, Thalmus Rasulala, Michael Rooker, Ron Dean, Chelcie Ross, Gregory Alan Williams, Jack Wallace and some competent action scenes.

NIGHTBREED (1990 UK US CANADA) D/W: CLIVE BARKER P: GABRIELLA MARTINELLI Barker followed HELLRAISER with this disappointing adaption of his own novel Cabal. After he’s framed by murdering doctor David Cronenberg, Craig Sheffer goes to Midian, an underground society of good monsters and mutants shunned by society. It’s hard to tell exactly what’s wrong; it’s a pretty direct translation of the book, but it just does not work. The FX are excellent, Cronenberg is not. With Doug Bradley and John Agar. Scenes with Suzi Quatro were cut out. Barker adapted himself again with LORD OF ILLUSIONS (1995), which I remember seeing when it was new and enjoying (but I have to rewatch before submitting an accurate appraisal). Some pretty good Barker adaptations by others in recent years have been THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN (2008), BOOK OF BLOOD and DREAD (both 2009). Note: Since 2012 a director’s Cabal Cut of NIGHTBREED has been doing the rounds, and is apparently a massive improvement (I have yet to see it).

NIGHT CALL NURSES (1972 US) D: JONATHAN KAPLAN W: GEORGE ARMITAGE/DANNY OPATOSHU P: JULIE CORMAN Kaplan’s feature debut was another entertaining mix of exploitation elements in the New World NURSE series (following STUDENT and PRIVATE DUTY). Three sexy leads work at a suicide clinic/mental ward. The plot(s) includes black political activists, pill-popping, paranoia experiments and Dick Miller talking about his car stereo. With Dennis Dugan. Roger Corman was executive producer. THE YOUNG NURSES was next. Armitage also wrote DARKTOWN STRUTTERS.

NIGHT CHILD (what the peeper saw; night hair child; child of the night; diabolisch; la tua presenza nuda; der zeuge hinter der wand) (1971 SPN UK ITL US W.GER) D: JAMES KELLY W: TREVOR PRESTON/ ANDREA BIANCHI (uncredited)/BARTISTA LACASA (uncredited)/ERICH KROHNKE (uncredited) P: GARAHAM HARRIS Twelve-year-old Mark Lester comes to stay with his father (Hardy Kuruger) and young stepmother (Britt Ekland, who’s seen topless) at their rural Spanish villa. His mother dies from a heart attack after being electrocuted in the bath. Ekland suspects the intelligent, aloof Lester of being a little psycho in this slow-moving psychodrama that’s worth it for the surprise ending. With Lilli Palmer, Harry Andrews, Ricardo Palacios and a score from Stelvio Cipriani. It was filmed in England and Madrid, and this review refers to the uncut 96 mins print, not that there’s much racy to cut out. IMDb credits Bianchi as co-director (apparently he’s credited on the Italian print), but this could have been a tax dodge scam, like the Antonio Margheriti/FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN/BLOOD FOR DRACULA confusion. It also claims that the director is aka James Kelley, who made THE BEAST IN THE CELLAR the same year (that makes more sense).

NIGHT CRAWLERS (1996 US) D: JOHN AND MARK PALONIA W: CHARLES HANK P: ALBERT Z. WHITE Mark Palonia (SAURIANS) moves his family to a new home. He discovers that the previous owners were killed by underground-dwelling flesh-eating monsters that burrow into basements. This awful nobudget horror has terrible monster FX that consists mostly of plastic eyeballs.

NIGHT CREW: THE FINAL CHECKOUT See: INTRUDER (1988)

THE NIGHT DIGGER See: THE ROAD BUILDER

THE NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE (la notte che evelyn usci dalla tomba) (1971 ITL) D/W: EMILIO P. MIRAGLIA W: MASSIMO FELISATTI/ FABIO PITTORRU Lord Cunningham (Antonio De Teffe) mourns the death of his wife while persuading redheaded beauties from London to come to his remote country castle estate where he kills them. A plot to drive someone insane is the old chestnut at the centre of this disappointing psycho thriller that has a cult reputation that I suspect grew out of it’s lurid US release poster campaign more than the quality of the film itself. With Erika Blanc, Giacomo Rossi Stuart and Umberto Raho. Beware the version on the bargain dvd 10-pack “Fright Night” which claims to have the full 103 mins running time but is in fact the 15 mins shorter US cut.

NIGHT EYES See: THE RATS (1982)

THE NIGHT FLIER (stephen king’s…) (1997 US) D/W: MARK PAVIA W: JACK O’DONNELL P: RICHARD P. RUBENSTEIN/MICHAEL GALIN A mysterious caped figure who flies a small private plane lands at small airstrips over America and drains victims of blood. Miguel Ferrer is a nasty, cynical writer for Inside View, a shock tactic tabloid magazine, who tracks the killer (called Dwight Renfield). An ambitious new female reporter battles Ferrer for the story. This enjoyable (and often funny) movie is one of the better Stephen King adaptions, and watching Ferrer on top-form is fun. Add to this some good use of KNB FX, a creepy b/w zombie sequence and a great ending and you’ve got a video worth watching. With Richard K. Olsen.

NIGHTFORCE (1986 US) D/W: LAWRENCE D. FOLDES W: RUSSEL W. COLGIN/MICHAEL ENGEL/ DON O’MELVENY P: VICTORIA PAIGE MEYERINK The daughter of senator Cameron Mitchell is kidnapped by Central American terrorists prior to her wedding to another prominent family’s couldn’tcare-less arsehole son. Lucky she was having an affair with his mullet-clad younger brother, because he and his college buddies (and top-billed Linda Blair) load up with guns and a bazooka, and go on a rescue mission. They meet a flute-playing ’nam vet (Richard Lynch) and his little chimp, who gives them some well-needed guidance. Meanwhile the kidnapped girl is either naked and/or raped a lot. Trashy action flick from the director of DON’T GO NEAR THE PARK and YOUNG WARRIORS is not really sleazy and outrageous enough to fully engage, but a few beers would help it go down easy on a slow exploitation night. With James Van Patten, Chad McQueen, Kathleen Kinmont and Lynch’s brother Barry. Joe Tornatore was the executive in charge of production, and Blair (who had been in ROLLER BOOGIE with Patten) sings the song over the end credits.

NIGHT FRIGHT (fright night; e.t.n. the xtraterrestrial nasty) (1967 US) D: JAMES A. SULLIVAN W: RUSS MARKER P: WALLACE CLYCE JR. This appears to be an uncredited remake of Marker’s lost 1964 feature THE DEMON FROM DEVIL’S LAKE. Something from space crashes in the woods near a lake (or so the radio says, we never see it). After a long time of nothing much happening with local teens, we get to see the monster (barely, it’s very dark). It appears to be a man-in-a-gorilla-suit with an alien head, the result of a NASA rocket full of animals having mutated together. It’s blown-up at the end. It’s a cool idea, and I hope that Marker’s film is better than this bore. The best bit is teens dancing in the woods at night to instrumentals (by The Wildcats). John Agar is the sheriff, and Bill Thurman (from Larry Buchanan movies) is his deputy. In fact, director Sullivan was a protégé of Buchanan’s (this was filmed around Dallas, TX). Annabelle Weenick was script supervisor. Marker (best known for THE YESTERDAY MACHINE [1963]) has a small part.

NIGHT HAIR CHILD See: NIGHT CHILD

NIGHT LIFE (grave misdemeanors) (1989 US) D: DAVID ACOMBA W: KEITH CRITCHLOW P: CHARLES LIPPINCOTT Scott Grimes (the kid from CRITTERS) is a picked-on teen who works his way through high school at his horrible uncle John Astin’s mortuary. Some jocks who were especially mean to him die in a car accident and their bodies come back to life when they’re hit by lightning. These zombies are more agile than most, being able to fight and drive cars. Nothing special but above average of its type with some really good bits towards the end (especially Astin’s demise). With Anthony Geary, Phil Proctor, Alan Blumenfeld, Mark Pellegrino, Biff Yeager and Spiro Razatos.

NIGHTMARE (1973) See: DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK

NIGHTMARE (1980) See: CITY OF THE WALKING DEAD

NIGHTMARE (1981) See: NIGHTMARES IN A DAMAGED BRAIN

NIGHTMARE (1986) See: BLOOD HARVEST

NIGHTMARE (horror game movie; gawi) (2000 S.KOR) D/W: BYEONG-KI AHN P: HYEONG-WOOK GOH/STANLEY KIM/MIN-HO LEE A bunch of university graduates are being killed off one-byone. Could it be the ghost of a dead friend, bad psychic energy or a more rational, human psycho at work? Even after sitting through this irritating, nonsensical and derivative horror movie you still won’t really know…or care. With Gyu-ri Kim, Jo-won Ha, Jeong-yun Choi, Ji-tae Yu. Junsang Yu and Jin Jeong. The writer/director did a far better job with his next feature, PHONE.

NIGHTMARE BEACH (welcome to spring break; la spiaggia del terrore) (1988 ITL) D/W: “HARRY KIRKPATRICK” (UMBERTO LENZI) W: VITTORIO RAMBALDI P WILLIAM J. IMMERMAN During Spring Break in Ft. Lauderdale (“the annual migration of the idiot”), a biker unseen under a crash-helmet kills teens, either by electrocution (including a cool electric chair on his motorcycle pinion!) or burning (blast furnace). The main suspect is the late, executed biker gang leader Diablo, framed by mean cop John Saxon for murder. Also complicit in covering up deaths is alky doctor Michael Parks. The hero is a broody football player who searches for his dead, irritating moron friend with the help of Sarah Buxton. There are several dumb comedic running jokes and wet t-shirt contest footage in this very bad, trashy movie that kind of holds your interest enough between gore set-piecs to make it a passable nightin for the drunken/stoned exploitation/Eurotrash fan. Familiar tv character actor and former Elvis movie double Lance Le Gault has an important role, and there’s brief live footage of the most shamelessly 80s fashion victim band I’ve ever seen. IMDb lists Paul Gleason as a cast member, but I didn’t spot him.

NIGHTMARE BLOODBATH See: SATAN’S SADISTS

NIGHTMARE CASTLE (amanti d’oltretomba) (1965 ITL) D/W: “ALAN GRUNEWALD” (MARIO CAIANO) W: FABIO DE AGOSTINO P: CARLO CAIANO Paul Muller is a scientist in a castle who discovers his wife Barbara Steele is having an affair with the gardener. He tortures them, electrocutes them to death, cuts out their hearts and cremates the bodies. But he must marry his wife’s mentally unbalanced sister (Steele with blonde hair) to get his hands on an inheritance. Helga Line is the housekeeper and Muller’s lover (with some kind of ageing blood disease) who helps send the new Steele insane. But there’s soon some other very real presence in the castle. This chiller has a pretty good reputation, but is meandering and dull. That is until a decent finale with effective makeup and FX that shows real flair. Enzo Barboni (who went on to direct THEY CALL ME TRINITY) is responsible for the excellent noir-like b/w photography. With Rik Battaglia and Giuseppe Addobbati. Director Caiano went on to things like NAZI LOVE CAMP 27 and THE FIGHTING FISTS OF SHANGHAI JOE.

NIGHTMARE CIRCUS See: BARN OF THE NAKED DEAD

NIGHTMARE CITY See: CITY OF THE WALKING DEAD

NIGHTMARE CONCERT See: CAT IN THE BRAIN

NIGHTMARE IN WAX (nightmare wax) (1966 US) D: BUD TOWNSEND W: REX CARLTON P: MARTIN B. COHEN Cameron Mitchell is a scarred, eyepatchwearing ex-movie makeup artist who’s been kidnapping stars from the studio that ruined him and injecting them with a formula that turns them into lifeless statues. He displays them in his wax museum. Scott Brady and John “Bud” Cardos (from Al Adamson movies) investigate. I wish this crazed, inept horror vehicle for Mitchell wasn’t so boring. Cardos was also the production manager and did some stunts. Carlton (who later killed himself when he was unable to pay back borrowed mob money) was an executive producer. With Virgil Frye.

NIGHTMARE ISLAND See: THE SLAYER

NIGHTMARE MAKER See: BUTCHER, BAKER, NIGHTMARE MAKER

THE NIGHTMARE NEVER ENDS See: CATACLYSM

NIGHTMARE OF TERROR See: DEVIL’S NIGHTMARE

NIGHMARE ON ALCATRAZ See: TERROR ON ALCATRAZ

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984 US) D/W: WES CRAVEN P: ROBERT SHAYE Heather Langenkamp is a teenager terrorised by a figure in her dreams. Robert Englund with claw fingers and scarred face (and stripey jumper) is dead former child molester Freddy Kreuger. Johnny Depp’s debut is as Langenkamp’s boyfriend who gets killed. NIGHTMARE is a good movie (and was a good concept, too, for a while) with some effective scares, but is no masterpiece. With John Saxon, Charles Fleischer and Lin Shaye. A poster from JAWS had been in Craven’s HILLS HAVE EYES and Sam Raimi put the HILLS poster in THE EVIL DEAD. A clip from EVIL DEAD is on tv here. Pitiful remake in 2010.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART 2: FREDDY’S REVENGE (1985 US) D: JACK SHOLDER W: DAVID CHASKIN P: ROBERT SHAYE A different screenwriter dropped the more interesting supernatural stuff from the first movie, but this is still an ok horror that didn’t deserve to be completely trashed by critics. The heroine looks like a young Meryl Streep. With Clu Gulager, Hope Lange, Marshall Bell, Steve Eastin and Englund as Kreuger. It’s curiously homoerotic, too.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS (1987 US) D/W: CHUCK RUSSELL W: WES CRAVEN/BRUCE WAGNER/FRANK DARABONT P: ROBERT SHAYE Heather Langenkamp is now a dream therapist helping teens at a mental hospital. Freddy (Englund) returns to prompt them commit suicide. It’s better than part two (which it ignores) and has some surprising FX, but is not that good. With John Saxon, Patricia Arquette, Laurence Fishburne, Jennifer Rubin, Dick Cavett and Zsa Zsa Gabor.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM WARRIOR (1988 US) D/W: RENNY HARLIN W: BRIAN HELGELAND/“SCOTT PIERCE”(KEN and JIM WHEAT)/MICHAEL DE LUCA/WILLIAM KOTZWINKLE P: ROBERT SHAYE/RACHEL TALALAY The Screaming Mad George FX are ludicrous and the gags are getting worse, but the box office grosses got higher. Why? It was the height of Freddymania with spin-off tv shows, merchandise and music video appearances. With Hope Marie Carlton and Linnea Quigley.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD (1989 US) D: STEPHEN HOPKINS W: LESLIE BOHEM/ JOHN SKIPP/CRAIG SPECTOR P: ROBERT SHAYE/ RUPERT HARVEY Englund returns as Krueger in this real silly and useless sequel. He tries to get possession of an unborn child. With Michael Bailey Smith and Ted Nugent. FREDDY’S DEAD followed.

NIGHTMARE ON THE 13TH FLOOR (1990 US) D: WALTER GURUMAN W: J.D. FEIGELSON/DAN Di STEFANO Awfully dull tv movie stars Michele Greene as a journalist checking out a hotel for an accommidation review. A series of murders are committed at a secret 13th floor. The idea of a secret 13th floor is a good one, but requires more imagination and talent that can be seen here. With John Karlen, Louise Fletcher, James Brolin and Alan Fudge.

NIGHTMARES (1983 US) D: JOSEPH SARGENT W/P: CHRISTOPHER CROWE W: JEFFREY BLOOM This horror anthology isn’t really very good but like a lot of 80s movies, it’s more interesting to watch now than when it was new. Terror In Topanga has a woman in danger from an asylum escapee (a briefly seen Lee Ving). In The Bishop of Battle Emilio Estevez is a punk-rock listening video game hustler trying to get to level 13 of the title game (which has the voice of James Tolkan). Lance Henriksen is a priest who’s losing his faith in the benediction. He takes to the road in search of answers and is terrorised by a (demonic?) pick-up truck. The last and longest (written by Bloom, the director of FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC) has a giant rat burrowing its way through Richard Masur and Veronica Cartwright’s house. The same year Peter Weller had similar rat problems in OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN (a better film). With William Sanderson, Moon Unit Zappa and Tony Plaza.

NIGHTMARES IN A DAMAGED BRAIN (nightmare; schizo) (1981 US) D/W: ROMANO SCAVOLINI P: JOHN L. WATKINS British horror movie fans inadvertently made this a cult must-see item because of its ban as an official “video nasty” in the UK. This is a shame as it sucks, and the admittedly memorable graphic gore highlights don’t make it worth watching either. It’s about a traumatised, homicidal little boy who grows up to continue his killing spree as an adult. Tom Savini was credited with FX, but claimed he had nothing to do with it. With Ray Baker.

NIGHTMARE VACATION See: SLEEPAWAY CAMP (series)

NIGHTMARE WAX See: NIGHTMARE IN WAX

THE NIGHT OF A THOUSAND CATS (blood feast; la noche de los mil gatos) (1972 MEX) D/W: RENÉ CARDONA JR. W/P: “MARIO MARZAC” (MARIO Z. ZACHARIAS) Hugo Stiglitz (an associate producer, along with Cardona) is a wealthy weirdo who takes beautiful women home to his big old monastery, where he plays chess with his bald, mute limping assistant Dorgo, and feeds a big cage full of dozens of cats with raw meat. The heads of women (and one meddling guy) end up in glass cases, and Dorgo dumps the bodies in an incinerator. Most of the running time is taken up with Stiglitz flying his helicopter around the city and annoying some folks by descending into their back gardens (that is not a euphemism). At the end of this time-wasting oddity, Stiglitz is attacked by his cats. With Anjanaette Comer, Christa Linder (Miss Austria 1962), Teresa Velazquez, Gerardo Zepeda, Jorge Russek and Marcelo Villamil.

NIGHT OF BLOODY HORROR (1968 US) D/W/P: JOY N. HOUCK JR. W: ROBERT A. WEAVER Gerald McRaney stars as a troubled young man (we see psychedelic swirl FX when he has headaches that lead to blackouts) who seems to attract women that all end up dead. One is stabbed in the eye with a needle in a confessional box. Another nurse who picks him up and looks after him after he’s mugged becomes his girlfriend, only to receive a hatchet in the chest at the beach. Could it be his stressed, widowed mother? Flashbacks reveal that McRaney was put in an asylum after accidentally shooting his brother as a kid. This was shot (in “Violent Vision”) in New Orleans, and the cheap 16mm look with limited lighting give it a creepy feeling that works in its favour. Not a must-see, but recommended for those who seek out better-than-average regional horror obscurities of yesteryear. A band called The Bored play in a club, but most of the other music is lifted from THE PHANTOM PLANET. Houck Sr. started with Lash La Rue movies in the 40s, and then his Howco International (who released this) gave us THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS and MESA OF LOST WOMEN in the 50s, and distributed THE UNDERTAKER AND HIS PALS and others in the 60s. Jr. made WOMEN AND BLOODY TERROR (1970) with McRaney (later famous for being Major Dad on tv) next.

NIGHT OF FEAR (1972 AUSL) D/W: TERRY BOURKE A sexy-looking young tennis-playing woman is forced to detour down the wrong country road and has an accident. A scary, bearded maniac in overalls with a pet rat on his shoulder tries to molest her, and chases her through the woods with his shovel. She eventually finds an old shack to hide in, but the nightmare soon gets worse. It’s no surprise that this remarkable 51 mins exercise in sometimes almost psychedelic terror was banned from its initial tv slot (the flagship episode of a never-produced 12-part series to have been called Fright — note opening credits), especially during the orgasmic climax and downbeat epilogue. It would have been pretty strong stuff even for late-night cinema screens (it predates TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE by two years). An extremely welcome recent dvd release allows us to enjoy this previously missing piece in a jigsaw of classic world horror. It was filmed in Narrabeen, New South Wales, and features no spoken dialogue. Bourke also directed the features INN OF THE DAMNED (1974) and LADY STAY DEAD (1981).

NIGHT OF TERROR See: THE NIGHTS OF TERROR

NIGHT OF THE BIG HEAT (island of the burning damned; island of the burning doomed) (1967 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: RONALD LILES P: TOM BLAKELEY While the mainland experiences freezing winter weather, a small rural island is in the middle of an unexplained heatwave, with the temperature raising dangerously higher all the time. Christopher Lee knows that it could be alien invaders trying to make the place hospitable for themselves. Patrick Allen is an author and the owner of the pub where Lee is staying while researching the phenomenon. Other characters include his barmaid wife, a floozy old flame who’s turned up to act as his secretary, and doctor Peter Cushing. John Lymington’s novel had already been filmed for tv in 1960. This version is like Fisher and Blakeley’s earlier aliens-on-an-island horror for the same studio (Planet), ISLAND OF TERROR (also with Cushing). Mildly enjoyable, but forgettable, complete with cop-out rain-kills-the-aliens-after-all anticlimax ending. With Percy Herbert. Pip and Jane Baker wrote “additional dialogue” and Liles was also the associate producer. Fisher made the weird FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN (with Cushing) for Hammer the same year.

THE NIGHT OF THE BLIND TERROR See: TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD

NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST (1958 US) D: BERNARD KOWALSKI W: MARTIN VARNO W/P: GENE CORMAN A dead astronaut is impregnated by an alien who decapitates people in this b/w AIP release with an effective ad campaign that sounds a lot better than it actually is. Harry Thomas did the makeup and Ed Nelson has a part. Roger Corman was executive producer.

NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES (la horripliante bestia humana; horror y sexo) (1968 MEX) D/W: RENÉ CARDONA W: RENÉ CARDONA JR. P: ALFREDO SALAZAR A scientist operates on his dying son, transplanting a gorilla’s heart into his chest (“move over the operating table, and prepare the gorilla”) in this monster movie classic of its type. After a while the son transforms into an ape-faced muscular grotesque who runs around after dark attacking and killing women (the mixture of violence and nudity is pretty outrageous). When a man is “scalped”, it’s obvious he’s just had his toupee removed! Real open-heart surgery footage is spliced-in. Cardona had previously filmed a tamer version of the same story as WRESTLING WOMEN VS. THE AZTEC APE, which he subtly acknowledges by having a female wrestler character (played by Norma Lazareno) dating the chief cop on the case. With Armando Silvestre, José Elias Moreno and Carlos Lopez Moctezuma. It’s true that parts drag, but you gotta love it!

NIGHT OF THE BLOOD CULT See: NIGHT OF THE SEAGULLS

NIGHT OF THE BLOODSUCKERS See: VAMPIRE HOOKERS

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS (1986 US) D/W: FRED DEKKER P: CHARLES GORDON Some fraternity teens accidentally release a frozen body from a research laboratory. A HIDDEN-style alien slug escapes from the corpse and can enter kids on campus. Soon there are loads of jock zombies. It’s a fun horror comedy with an exciting finale (completely different in the US cable tv version). With Tom Atkins, Dick Miller, Kenneth Tobey, David Paymer, Robert Kerman and FX man Robert Kurtzman. There’s an in-joke in a toilet for Dekker’s THE MONSTER SQUAD.

NIGHT OF THE DARK FULL MOON See: SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT

NIGHT OF THE DEATH CULT See: NIGHT OF THE SEAGULLS

NIGHT OF THE DEMON (curse of the demon) (1956 US) D: JACQUES TOURNEUR W: CHARLES BENNETT/HAL F. CHESTER P: FRANK BEVIS Very effective chiller has Dana Andrews slowly coming to terms with the fact that witchcraft is very real after he’s given some magic runes. One of Tourneur’s best. This is essential viewing, despite the presence of a monster inserted by the producers to spice up the low-key story (not as jarring or out-of-place as you may have read). In b/w from RKO. With Peggy Cummings, Niall MacGinnis, Maurice Denham, Athene Seyler, Reginald Beckwith, Charles Lloyd-Pack, John Salew, Percy Herbert and Ballard Berkeley. Based on an M.R. James story. See also CASTING THE RUNES.

NIGHT OF THE DEMON (1980 US) D: JAMES C. WASSON W: MIKE WILLIAMS W/P: JIM L. BALL Some students head into the woods to discover more about a local Bigfoot legend, and whether it has any basis in fact. It’s not much of a horror film, but does have some fun carnage and a certain atmosphere that prevents me from completely dismissing it. A biker’s dick is ripped off, someone’s swung around in their sleeping bag and impaled on a tree, a couple of (overage) girl scouts are carved up and a woman has her intestines ripped out of her stomach. The monster’s not bad either, and there are some surprises. A cack-handed attempt at something interesting that I’m sure influenced later films a bit more than you might imagine. It was an official “video nasty” in the UK.

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (halloween party) (1987 US) D: KEVIN S. TENNEY W/P: JOE AUGUSTYN Annoying, obnoxious teenagers spout hateful dialogue while partying at an abandoned funeral parlour on Halloween. A demon is unleashed and the second half of this movie suddenly picks up. Steve Johnson provided the FX and there’s a memorable dancing scene. Half-good. Linnea Quigley is remembered for pushing a lipstick into her nipple. A lousy remake appeared in 2009.

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 2: ANGELA’S REVENGE (night of the demons 2: demon night) (1994 US) D: BRIAN TRENCHARD-SMITH W: JOE AUGUSTYN/ JAMES PENZI P: WALTER JOSTEN/JEFF GEOFFRAY This sequel isn’t up to much. Students at a Catholic school spend Halloween in the house from the first film and the demon Angela turns up again. Steve Johnson provides FX that include a giant human-head serpent (the best part) and some dismemberment and gore. With Christine Taylor and a heroic nun. From the Australian director of TURKEY SHOOT (1982) and LEPRECHAUN.

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 3: DEMON HOUSE (1996 US CAN) D: JIMMY KAUFMAN W: KEVIN S. TENNEY P: CLAUDIO CASTRAVELLI A bunch of teens riding around in a van get involved in a shoot-out at a convenience store and hide out at Hell House, the site of the killings from the original film (this doesn’t acknowledge the previous sequel). The demonic Angela is awakened by their presence and proceeds to slaughter them in this boring and unmemorable filmed-in-Canada junk. Vlasta Vrana is an ageing cop after the teens. With Larry Day, Richard Jutras and Richard Zeman.

THE NIGHT OF THE DEVILS (la notte dei diavoli; la noche de los diablos) (1972 ITL SPN) D: GIORGIO FERRONI W: ROMANO MIGLIORINI/EDUARDO M. BROCHERO/GIANBATTISTA MUSSETTO P: LUIGI MARIANI Gianni Garko (star of spaghetti westerns) is a traumatised man under supervision at an asylum. While doctors run tests on him he has a feature-length flashback about what happened to him after his car broke down in the middle of nowhere. He reluctantly stays a few nights with a family in the woods cut off from civilisation. They believe that a flesh-eating witch (or “wurdalak”) has put a curse on their family. Aleksei Tolstoy’s story had already been the basis for a memorable segment in Mario Bava’s 1964 horror anthology BLACK SABBATH. Three later features from Russia were also based on it (THE VAMPIRE FAMILY [1990], PYUSCHYE KROVY [1991] and DADDY, FATHER FROST IS DEAD [1992]). This version is quite good and atmospheric, with a little gore and a surprise ending. Agostina Belli co-stars (and has a topless scene) as the family’s beautiful love interest daughter. With Umberto Raho, Tom Felleghy and Teresa Gimpera. Director Ferroni also made peplums and westerns (among others), while his other horror was the decent MILL OF THE STONE WOMEN.

NIGHT OF THE DOOMED See: NIGHTMARE CASTLE

NIGHT OF THE EAGLE (burn, witch, burn!) (1962 UK) D: SIDNEY HAYERS W: CHARLES BEAUMONT/ RICHARD MATHESON/GEORGE BAXT P: SAMUEL Z. ARKOFF/ALBERT FENNELL More people should see this great, creepy b/w horror movie about schoolteacher Peter Wyngarde and wife becoming involved with witchcraft at the new school they’ve moved to. Everything about this is first-class, from script to photography, and it’s real suspenseful and exciting. With Colin Gordon, Kathleen Byron, Reginald Beckwith and Norman Bird. Fritz Leiber’s Conjure Wife was also adapted for the earlier WEIRD WOMAN (1944) and the later spoof WITCHES’ BREW (1980). I haven’t seen either, but this version comes highly recommended.

NIGHT OF THE GHOUL See: THE GHOUL (1975)

NIGHT OF THE GHOULS (revenge of the dead) (1959 US) D/W: EDWARD D. WOOD JR. This was once considered a lost movie. Completed in 59, it sat unseen until 84 because Wood (who also wrote a novelisation) was unable to pay the lab bills and have it released (he was dead and gone by then). Criswell introduces the b/w tale from his coffin and narrates. Kenne Duncan is a phony spiritualist called Dr. Acula and Tor Johnson (who got his son Karl in it, too) is Lobo (in makeup by Harry Thomas). There’s lots to enjoy here for Wood fans, but the highlight is undoubtedly the wacky séance scene that will leave you speechless. With Paul Marco, Duke Moore, Jeannie Stevens, David De Mering, Harvey B. Dunn (much beloved from TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE), Don Nagel, Bud Osborne (check out his incredible 400+ title filmography!) and Conrad Brooks in scenes from Wood’s uncompleted HELLBORN. There’s also footage from Wood’s tv pilot THE FINAL CURTAIN. Look closely for Wood “Wanted” posters on the wall in the police station. Ronnie Ashcroft (THE ASTOUNDING SHE-MONSTER) was the assistant director

NIGHT OF THE HOWLING BEAST See: THE WEREWOLF AND THE YETI

NIGHT OF THE HUNTER (1955 US) D/W: CHARLES LAUGHTON W: JAMES AGEE P: PAUL GREGORY The real tragedy about this amazing adult fairy tale classic is that it was such a critical and commercial flop that the obviously talented Laughton (a beloved, popular actor most famous for portraying THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME) never directed again. Nowadays you’d be hard-pushed to find a bad review of it anywhere; I guess it must have been way ahead of its time. Robert Mitchum gives his ultimate performance as the religious nut ex-con who marries Shelley Winters, the widow of a cellmate he killed in prison. She soon ends up dead when she won’t tell him where the loot is stashed. Her little boy and girl run away through the beautiful yet frightening noir-lit countryside (Stanley Cortez was the cinematographer) while Mitchum tracks them. With Lillian Gish, Corey Allen, Peter Graves, James Gleason, Don Bedoe, Paul Bryar and John Hamilton. Why anyone thought that this needed a tv remake in the 90s is beyond me.

NIGHT OF THE LEPUS (1972 US) D: WILLIAM F. CLAXTON W: DON HOLLIDAY/GENE R. KEARNEY P: A.C. LYLES This is the infamous all-star killer rabbit movie. Scientists Stuart Whitman and Janet Leigh try to control a rabbit plague in Arizona with an experimental serum. But this only results in 150 pound bunnies (mostly real rabbits on miniature sets and the occasional monster suit) that chew people to death. As stupid as it sounds, it’s not as enjoyable as you may think. It’s based on Russell Braddon’s novel The Year Of The Angry Rabbit. With Rory Calhoun, DeForest Kelley, Paul Fix, Chuck Hayward, Henry Willis, Robert Hardy and I. Stanford Jolley. This was the penultimate role for Jolley, a veteran of 250+ titles, including multiple B-westerns. He was also the second unit director and production designer.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968 US) D/W: GEORGE A. ROMERO W: JOHN (A.) RUSSO P: RUSSEL STEINER/KARL HARDMAN One of the few recognised horror classics that can still scare the living shit out of you. Russ Steiner says “they’re coming to get you, Barbara” and they do, and the suspense never lets up. Creepy-looking walking corpses roam the countryside as Duane Jones, Marilyn Eastman, Hardman and Judith O’Dea barricade themselves in from the flesh-eaters. Despite being in b/w, the scenes of gut-munching are far more gruelling and gory looking than the more graphic BLOOD FEAST (a completely different kind of groundbreaking 60s horror). The “shoot ’em in the head” ending is brilliant. With Kyra Schon, Keith Wayne, Judith Riley, Bill Hinzman and Romero and Russo. Followed by two official sequels (DAWN and DAY) and endless imitations and rip-offs (to this day), and two remakes and an unnecessary fake director’s cut. None of them come close. The effective soundtrack was scored from existing canned library cuts, including Spencer Moore and George Hormel passages familiar from by the classic TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE (among others).

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1990 US) D: TOM SAVINI W: GEORGE A. ROMERO P: JOHN A. RUSSO No one could be expected to improve upon (or even equal) the influential original, but this remake by Romero’s FX regular is surprisingly good. It’s in colour and less gory, and the heroics are shifted from Ben to Barbara, but it’s more-or-less the same story. Tony Todd is Ben and Tom Towles is a particularly unlikeable dad with sick child. Strangely enough though, Savini did not provide the (very good) zombie makeup, that was left to John Vulich and Everett Burrell. It begins with the line “they’re coming to get you, Barbara”, and there’s a different ending. With Bill Moseley, Chilly Billy and Chris Gore as a zombie. Mehahem Golan, Romero and Russ Streiner were executive producers. There was another 3D remake in 2006 (which sucked).

NIGHT OF THE RUNNING MAN (escape) (1994 US) D/P: MARK L. LESTER W: LEE WELLS P: DANA DUBOVSKY/GEORGE W. PERKINS Andrew McCarthy is a Las Vegas taxi driver who accidentally ends up with a case of stolen mob money from a casino. Mobsters hire sadistic hitman Scott Glenn to track him down in this passable chase thriller. John Glover boils McCarthy’s feet in scalding water and then falls asleep (!), allowing him to escape. With Carl Ciarfalio. Alfred Sole was the production designer. It’s based on Wells’ novel.

NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW (urban harvest 3) (1996 US) D: JEFF BURR W: REED STEINER/DAN MAZAR P: BARRY BERNARDI/STEVE WHITE The spirit of an evil warlock possesses a scarecrow and brings it to life in this stupid and mostly boring horror flick. Bruce Glover is a priest who has his mouth sewn shut in one of the derivative gore FX set pieces. It copies parts from the WARLOCK movies and CHILDREN OF THE CORN 3, but those movies were a lot more fun.

NIGHT OF THE SEAGULLS (night of the death cult; the blind dead 4; don’t go out at night; night of the blood cult; terror beach; la noche de las gaviotas) (1975 SPN) D/W: AMANDO DE OSSORIO P: MODESTO PEREZ REDONDO The final BLIND DEAD film opens with the old pre-skeletal Templar Knights capturing a woman with big tits, ripping open her chest and plucking her heart out to offer to a stone statue. Big crabs crawl over her remains after the knights chow down on her. Then it all goes downhill. A young doctor and his wife find themselves most unwelcome at a small, old-fashioned coastal village where virgin girls are left out at night as sacrifices for the Templars. With Lui Ciges.

NIGHT OF THE SHARKS (jaws attack; la notte degli squali) (1987 ITL) D/W: “ANTHONY RICHMOND” (TONINO RICCI) W: TINO CARPI P: FULVIO LUSCIANO/NINO SEGURINI Treat Williams hangs out at the beach in Mexico with a cigar smoking Antonio Fargas. His brother (who ends up dead) mails him evidence of crooked John Steiner’s dodgy dealings. Ex-wife Janet Agren is sent to persuade him to return it. Men with guns turn up to try a more direct approach. Despite the title and a one-eyed shark named Cyclops, it’s not a JAWS rip-off. But that doesn’t make it any good. Chris Connelly is a priest. With Sal Borgese. THE SHARK’S CAVE (1978) is Ricci’s earlier shark movie (also with Agren).

NIGHT OF THE TWISTERS (1996 CAN) D: TIMOTHY BOND W: SAM GRAHAM/CHRIS HUBBEL P: STEPHEN ROLOFF/SEAN RYERSON/STEPHEN RYERSON A tornado hits a small town in this mediocre tv disaster movie based on a novel by Ivy Ruckman. It was made because TWISTER was released the same year. With Devon Sawa, John Schneider, David Ferry and Scott Wickware.

NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES (1980) See: HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD

NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES (night of the zombies II; battalion of the living dead; sister of death; the chilling) (1981 US) D/W: JOEL M. REED P: LONN E. PRICE Porn star Jamie Gillis travels to “Munich” (looking suspiciously like NYC) and the “Bavarian Alps” (I suspect somewhere upstate in winter) to look for American WWII deserters. He hears of Nazi zombie soldiers and meets several people who are much younger-looking than they should be. If you can make it through the long talky scenes (some dialogue is actually quite funny and knowing, but badly delivered), this pays-off for fans of bizarre cinema when we discover that an experimental gas that stalls the ageing process is at the heart of the mystery. The ending is a real mind-boggler. With Bill Williams and director Reed (who made the great BLOOD SUCKING FREAKS, which like this, seems unfairly hated). Some scenes could have used more lighting.

NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES II See: NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES (1981)

NIGHT PATROL (1984 US) D/W: JACKIE KONG W/P: WILLIAM OSCO/MURRAY LANGSTON P: BILL LEVEY Useless rookie LA cop Langston is teamed with Pat Paulsen in this POLICE ACADEMY-inspired socalled “comedy”. Billy Barty is their chief who won’t stop farting. A cute Linda Blair (“you can talk about my tits and you can talk about my ass, but don’t call me dumb!”) is the desk sergeant. The plot concerns Langston moonlighting as stand-up comedian The Unknown Comic with a paper bag on his head. Some of his material is funny, but it’s mostly corny old one-liners. Which are at least better than some of the God-awful gags in this film from the director of BLOOD DINER. With Jaye P. Morgan, Pat Morita (who talks in a dubbed little girl voice about being forced to masturbate 100 times!?), Lori Sutton, Sydney Lassick, Andrew Dice Clay and Kitten Natividad smoking pot topless. Langston (who actually did some talk shows as the Unknown Comic) also wrote the Blair vehicle UP YOUR ALLEY (1989) and directed Barty in WISHFUL THINKING (1990). [Illus.]

NIGHT REVENGE See: PAYOFF

THE NIGHT RIDER (1932 US) D: WILLIAM NIGH W: HARRY L. FRASER P: LOUIS WEISS Officer Harry Carey goes undercover at a ranch to catch an outlaw known as The Night Rider in this ok run-of-the-mill b/w 54 mins western. One standout contemporary touch has someone blaming crime fiction stories for real-life crime, suggesting that mass media has long been the scapegoat for society’s ills. With Gabby Hayes, Julian Rivero, Elinor Fair, Tom London, Walter Shumaway, Bob Kortman, Cliff Lyons, Hank Bell, Ralph Bucko, Ben Corbett, Jim Corey, Al Taylor, Pascale Perry, Jack Kirk and Slim Whitaker. Remade as DESERT PHANTOM in 1936 and THE RANGE BUSTERS in 1940.

NIGHTSCARE See: BEYOND BEDLAM

NIGHT SCHOOL See: TERROR EYES (1981)

NIGHT SCREAMS (1987 US) D: ALLEN PLONE W/P: DILLIS L. HART II P: MITCH BRIAN Teens are killed off (now there’s an original thought) in an old house by escaped convicts in this utterly forgettable horror crap. Porno stars John Holmes, Seka and Honey Wilder appear. Herbert L. Strock was the editor. C. Courtney Joyner was the script consultant.

NIGHT SHADOWS See: MUTANT

NIGHT SHIFT (1982 US) D: RON HOWARD W: LOWELL GANZ/BABALOO MANDEL P: BRIAN GRAZER After the car chase hit GRAND THEFT AUTO (1977), Howard made this pretty enjoyable comedy starring Henry Winkler and Michael Keaton (in his starring debut). They’re a pair of morgue night attendants who open a whorehouse during office hours and become “love brokers”. Shelley Long co-stars as a hooker who helps them, and Howard’s brother Clint makes the usual cameo. With Joe Spinell, Ola Ray, Monique Gabrielle, Kevin Costner, Pat Corley, Vincent Schivallier, Richard Belzer, Grand L. Bush, Charles Fleischer, Shannon Doherty and Howard himself.

THE NIGHTS OF DRACULA See: BRAM STOKER’S COUNT DRACULA

THE NIGHTS OF TERROR (burial ground; zombie 3; zombi horror; the zombie dead; le notti del terrore) (1979 ITL) D: ANDREA BIANCHI W: PIERO REGNOLI P: GABRIELE CRISANTI A bearded scientist (“I’m your friend… arrrgghh!”) somehow resurrects the dead. Zombies rise, attack and surround horny couples at a remote country mansion. The zombies are cheap-looking, but kind of cool (FX by Gino De Rossi) and also resourceful (they use axes and scythes) and agile (one scales the outside wall of the castle). A character says “they can only be killed by blowing their heads off”. There’s lots of gore, but the most interesting aspect of this fun piece of trash is the little kid character. The mother-obsessed prepubescent boy seems to be played by a short, underdeveloped adult dwarf actor. In a shocking scene he bites off his mother’s nipple. With Mariangelo Giordano and zombie monks. It ends with a quote from “Profecy of the Black Spider”! Essential viewing for fans of Italian exploitation. Probably made back to back with MALABIMBA at the same castle location.

NIGHTSTALKER See: DON’T GO NEAR THE PARK

THE NIGHT STRANGLER (1973 US) D/P: DAN CURTIS W: RICHARD MATHESON Fine sequel to THE NIGHT STALKER (1972) has journalist Darren McGavin in Seattle investigating an ageless vampire/alchemist (Richard Anderson) living in the underground ruins of “Old Seattle”. Simon Oakland returns as McGavin’s irritable editor and there’s the same high quotient of thrills and laughs that made the original so charming. With John Carradine (briefly), Scott Brady, Margaret Hamilton, George Tobias, George DiCenzo and don’t miss Al Lewis (grandpa on THE MUNSTERS) as a tramp. The short-lived, charming tv series KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER followed, two episodes of which became the fake feature CRACKLE OF DEATH.

NIGHTSWARM See: MOSQUITO

NIGHT TERRORS See: TOBE HOOPER’S NIGHT TERRORS

THE NIGHT THAT PANICKED AMERICA (1975 US) D/P: JOSEPH SARGENT W: NICHOLAS MEYER/ ANTHONY WILSON This very good, authentic tv movie is based on Howard Koch’s play Invaders From Mars, which was about the infamous 1938 Halloween incident when Orson Welles’ radio broadcast of H.G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds was taken seriously, and panicking Americans fleed from perceived Martian invaders. Paul Shenar is Welles. With Vic Morrow, Cliff De Young, Michael Constantine, John Ritter, Tom Bosley, Eileen Brennan, Casey Kasem, Meredith Baxter and Ron Rifkin. Sargent had just made the classic TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE for the big-screen.

NIGHT TIME See: SIEBEN MONDE

A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER (1979/83/86? US) D/P: DORIS WISHMAN W: JUDITH J. KUSHNER This was apparently completed in 79 and released in 83 but there seems to be some confusion as to whether it’s been tampered with since then or not. The fact that a large percentage of the prints were destroyed could account for how nonsensical it all is, or it could just be the magic Wishman touch! What sets this apart from other Wishman movies is the gore. A heart is ripped out, there’s axe murders, stabbings, piercings, impalements etc. as porn star Samantha Fox is released from an asylum and wonders if she’s still crazy. You’ll think that you’re losing your mind to this marvel, too! Check out the use of dodgy sound FX and crazed music. Get it on dvd and hear amazing commentary between Wishman and cameraman C. Davis Smith. She explains how some footage here goes all the way back to 1960’s HIDEOUT IN THE SUN (!), and they both bicker a treat. The ideal Christmas gift!

NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS (don’t ride on late night trains; late night trains; xmas massacre; new house on the left; second house on the left; violenza su’ll ultimo treno della notte; l’ultimo treno della notte) (1975 ITL) D/W: ALDO LADO W: RENATO IZZO/ROBERTO INFASCELL/ETTORE SANZO Reasonable LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT variation as parents seek retribution for the rape and murder of their daughters on a train. You’ll probably enjoy it more if you don’t buy into its “shocking” reputation (it was a “video nasty” in the UK), as even in the “extreme version” (which this review refers to) it’s not particularly graphic. With Flavio Bucci, Macha Merli, Enrico Maria Salerno, Marina Berti and Franco Fabrizi and a score from Ennio Morricone. From the director of SHORT NIGHT OF GLASS DOLLS.

NIGHT TRAIN TO MUNDO FINE See: RED ZONE CUBA

NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR (1985 US) D/P: JAY SCHLOSSBERG-COHEN D: JOHN CARR/PHILIP MARSHAK/ TOM McGOWAN/GREG TALLAS W: PHILIP YORDAN God and Satan sit on opposite sides of a table on a train and argue about whose souls they can claim while watching three stories on the window. The “shorts” are edited versions of full-length features (all written by Yordan). SCREAM YOUR HEAD OFF is more-or-less just the good gory scenes, and it makes little sense. DEATH WISH CLUB survives the best (despite a myriad of mind-numbing subplots removed, see full review) with the main narrative thread and bizarre deaths intact. CATACLYSM has been fucked around with the most, including stop-motion animated inserts of a crude monster throwing clay versions of the cast members around! Meanwhile in the front car of the train a very 80s band sings and even do (slow motion) breakdancing! If you’ve already sat through these films you may not appreciate the deception, but for those unfamiliar with the tales this is an interesting (and very confusing) and audacious rip-off. An oddity even for straight-to-video, but this actually played in theatres! By the way, that’s Ferdy Mayne as God.

NIGHT TRAP (mardi gras for the devil) (1992 US) D/W: DAVID A. PRIOR P: JILL SILVERTHORNE Satanist serial killer Michael Ironside runs amok in New Orleans during Mardi Gras. He can leap from buildings without getting hurt and seems impervious to bullets. Robert Davi and Mike Starr are the confused cops on the case. With John Amos, Lesley Anne-Down, Jayne Kennedy, Mickey Jones and Michael J. Anderson from TWIN PEAKS. Brett McCormick was one of the associate producers for this dumb, senseless action movie from Prior (who makes sure a car flips over and blows up, even if it’s for no reason).

NIGHT VISION (paraphilia) (1997 US) D: GIL BETTMAN W: MICHAEL THOMAS MONTGOMERY P: FRED and LINDA WILLIAMSON Alcoholic demoted detective Fred Williamson teams up with Cynthia Rothrock to catch “The Video Stalker” in this dumb, highly unlikely (crime syndicate porn channels and snuff distributors are mentioned) “thriller” (it’s not very thrilling). With Shannon Tweed, Robert Forster and Frank Pesce. The video box (for the Japanese release at least) claims that Charles Napier is in it, but he’s nowhere in sight.

NIGHT WARNING See: BUTCHER, BAKER, NIGHTMARE MAKER

NIGHT WARRIORS See: SELF DEFENSE (1982)

NIGHTWATCH (nattevagten) (1994 DEN) D/W: OLE BORNEDAL A young student (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) gets a night job as a guard at a morgue. A series of murders occur and freaky things happen on his shift. All evidence points towards him, so he has to solve the mystery in order to clear his name. This very average chiller got a lot of recognition it didn’t really deserve and became an arthouse hit, so Hollywood remade it. With Sofie Grabol, Kim Bodnia, Ulf Pilgaard and Stig Hoffmeyer.

NIGHTWATCH (1997 US) D/W: OLE BORNEDAL W: STEVEN SODERBERGH P: MICHAEL BELL Bornedal remade his 1994 feature in Hollywood. I was no fan of the original, and this version doesn’t do much for me either. Ewan McGregor is the student who takes a job at a forensics lab with morgue. Pretty much the same as the original, but at least Brad Dourif has one of his typically great cameos. With Josh Brolin, Nick Nolte, Patricia Arquette, John C. Reilly, Alix Koromzay, Scott Burkholder, Robert Lasardo, Lauren Graham, Lonny Chapman and Larry Cedar.

THE NIGHT WATCH (nochnoy dozor) (2004 RUS) D/W: TIMUR BEKMAMBETOV W: SERGEI LUKYANENKO P: KONSTANTIN ERNST/ANATOLI MASKIMOV Pretty confusing and somewhat overdirected FX extravaganza action fantasy about a squad of warriors with magical powers who police the nighttime for evil beings; another group patrol the daytime, and keep the light beings in-line (I think, basically). Some kid has to choose on which side he belongs amidst all the overblown fight action and confusion. If anyone has read Lukyanenko’s novel then it might make more sense. Not just a typically headacheinducing Hollywood-like style-over-substance merchandise machine (although it is most definitely that, too), it does benefit from some interesting ideas and visuals (some inspired by Jean-Pierre Jeunet and Marc Caro) that stem from Soviet folklore. Konstantin Khabensky stars. With Vladimir Menshov, Valeri Zolotukhin, Mariya Poroshina, Galina Tyunina, Alexei Chadow, Yuri Kutsenko, Viktor Verzhbitsky, Rimma Markova, Mariya Mironova, Aleksandr Samojlenko and Nikolai Olyalin. Director Bekmambetov was responsible for the 2001 remake of the Pam Grier/Margaret Markov vehicle THE ARENA (1972)! He went on to similar sequel DAY WATCH (2006) (we are still waiting for the concluding part of the proposed trilogy) and made the equally overblown WANTED (2008) in Hollywood. He went on to the similar sequel, DAY WATCH (2006) (we are still waiting for the concluding part of the proposed trilogy), and made the equally overblown WANTED (2008) and ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER (2012) in Hollywood.

NIKITA (la femme nikita) (1989 FRA ITL) D/W: LUC BESSON P: PATRICE LEDOUX Anne Parillaud is the junky gang member trained by a secret government agency to become a political assassin (rather than go to jail) after she kills a cop. Tcheky Karyo and Jeanne Moreau train her. When she’s trusted to live on her own, she falls in love with Jean-Hughes Anglade and the film changes pace for a romantic feel. With Jean Reno, Marc Duret, Jacques Boudet, Roland Blanche, Philippe Leroy, Eric Prat, Philippe Du Janerand and Jean Bouise. It’s quite good, but I’m not sure why it became such an international cult hit. It’s been remade countless times, but the official versions are the American THE ASSASSIN with Bridget Fonda and BLACK CAT from Hong Kong.

NIKU DARUMA (the snuff reels) (1998 JPN) D/W: TAMAKICHI ANARU Aroma is an adult video label that specialises in offbeat fetishes (they also have a series of mondo tapes highlighting extreme physical handicaps in India). This SNUFF/GUINEA PIG inspired release is on their Psycho imprint (along with other nasty looking videos). A porno starlet wannabe called Kana and her first time male co-star are interviewed prior to shooting a porno film just like a real, legitimate release. The prowling yet discreet video camera catches everything leading up to, and the filming of the first, vanilla scene of the day. Kana gets uncomfortable with the light SM and scatological elements of the next scene, so she tries to leave the remote house where they are shooting. She’s rewarded with a baseball bat to the back of the head. She wakes up catatonic tied to a bed. Her co-star fucks her while the demented director removes her foot with a meat cleaver. Next her tongue is tenderised and cut-up with scissors (a nod to BLOOD FEAST?), and they spit in her face. Her arm is subsequently removed, and her chest opened up. The co-star fucks her chest cavity, cums and then has his head caved in with a baseball bat. The director removes his (digitally censored) dick and she finally gets a meat cleaver in the face. The flat, lifeless, amateurish shot-on-video look lends this faux-snuff movie credibility, but the hokey FX detract. 70 mins long.

NIL BY MOUTH (ne pas avaler) (1996 UK FRA) D/W/P: GARY OLDMAN P: LUC BESSON/DOUGLAS URBANSKI Utterly arresting feature directorial debut from Oldman is a semi-autobiographical tale of broken homes and the struggle for a decent way of life in working class London. The entire cast is superb, but you have to single out Ray Winstone as a dangerous alcoholic father and Kathy Bates as his abused wife. Charlie Creed Miles (later in Besson’s THE FIFTH ELEMENT with Oldman) kind of stars as a heroin addict. Brutal at times, but there’s a dark streak of tragicomedy laced throughout. With a clip from APOLCALYPSE NOW.

9 1/2 WEEKS (1986 US) D: ADRIAN LYNE W: PATRICIA LOUISIANA KNOP/SARAH KEMO CHAN W/P: ZALMAN KING P: ANTHONY RUFUS ISAACS/MARK DAMON/SIDNEY KIMMEL Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger fuck a lot in this boring, minimal plot erotic thriller that more-or-less started the craze that led to countless direct-to-video sleep inducers. It’s not sexy, and it sure ain’t entertaining. With Maragret Whitton, Karen Young, Christine Baranski and David Margulies. Based on a novel by Elisabeth McNeill. Lyne also made FATAL ATTRACTION and King mucked about with the concept for quite a while. Followed by ANOTHER 9 1/2 WEEKS.

NINE DEATHS OF THE NINJA (1985 US) D/W: EMMET ALSTON P: ASHOK AMRITAJ Fourth in the Cannon ninja series is no better, but entertainingly silly. Sho Kosugi uses martial arts against Arab terrorists holding a busload of American tourists hostage in the Philippines. A gang of dwarfs also get their asses kicked. Little Shane and Kane Kosugi make an appearance. Mehanem Golan and Yoram Globus were the executive producers.

NINE DEMONS See: THE NINE VENOMS

911: IN PLANE SITE (2004 US) D: WILLIAM LEWIS W/P: DAVE VON KLEIST Von Kleist (who hosts an internet radio show called The Power Hour) hosts this documentary look at the many inconsistencies and holes in the official chain of events that supposedly happened on September 11, 2001. It’s probably the most level-headed and least biased look at the conspiracy theory of US involvement. Originally 52 mins long in the hope that it would be broadcast somewhere in a 60 mins slot, a dvd of the so-far unbroadcast show contains extra footage.

911: THE ROAD TO TYRANNY (2002 US) D/W: ALEX JONES Alex Jones out of Austin, Texas, hosts a webcast radio show that most people would probably think was the ranting output of a mad, paranoid conspiracy theorist. It is true that the overzealous Jones could do with a bit of a calm down and a more level-headed approach, but his accumulation of interesting data pre- and post-September 11 can be enlightening, and it’s not as if that overpraised fink Michael Moore is any less biased. In fact if you can separate the facts from the fiction (quite a task as Jones bombards you with info; his website is, suitably, www.infowars.com), this does serve up much more substantial and deeper hidden (or as it turns out, not so hidden) recent history than the sanctimonious, liberal-baiting FAHRENHEIT 911. Worth a look, but don’t do it after too many drinks.

9 LIVES OF A WET PUSSY (1976 US) D: “JIMMY BOY L” (ABEL FERRARA) W: “NICHOLAS GEORGE” (NICHOLAS ST. JOHN) P: ROCHELLE WEISBERG (uncredited) Prior to THE DRILLER KILLER, Ferrara directed several shorts and this glossy hardcore porn flick based on Les Femmes Blanche by Francois Du Lea. An opium-smoking lonely woman links several erotic vignettes related to her horny girlfriend who writes letters of her sexual adventures. It’s all very classy and Euro-looking, and is pretty good of its type (just don’t expect more than a good-looking fuck flick). At one point Ferrara himself (credited as Jimmy Laine) appears as an elderly father about to be fucked by his two virginal daughters, but it’s notable that his face is never in the same shot as the sex action. St. John (who went on to write most of Ferrara’s movies until the mid-90s) is also seen as a chauffeur. Producer Weisberg was later the executive producer of both DRILLER and MS. 45. The print I saw ran 64 mins, and may be cut.

THE NINE LIVES OF FRITZ THE CAT (1974 US) D/W: ROBERT TAYLOR W: FRED HALLIDAY/ERIC MONTE P: STEVE KRANTZ Robert Crumb disowned the original animated feature, FRITZ THE CAT (based on his comic strip characters), but that was helmed by the talented and original Ralph Bakshi. Producer Krantz hired other people to write and direct this sequel, and without Crumb or Bakshi’s input the result is a (mostly) mean-spirited and crude head movie that has some nicely animated trippy moments, but also very bad (and badly dated) satire. Fritz imagines/remembers other lifetimes as his wife nags at him about getting on welfare. The best segment is a futuristic look at an all-black segregated New Jersey (now called New Africa). Pat Harrington Jr., Robert Ridgely, Peter Leeds and Glynn Turman provide voices. If you just concentrate on the visuals then I can imagine it being an enjoyable stoned night in.

976-EVIL (1988 US) D: ROBERT ENGLUND W: RHET TOPHAM/BRIAN HELGELAND P: LISA M. HANSEN Who told Englund he could direct a movie? Parts of this look good, but it’s mostly a confusing mess. Stephen Geoffreys is a sad teen (living with his Bible-bashing aunt Sandy Dennis) who decides to call the title phone number and is granted supernatural powers with which to dish out teen-angst revenge. This includes a rainshower of fish. With Jim Metzler, Robert Picardo, Darren E. Burrows and Greg Collins. A sequel followed.

1984 (1956 UK) D: MICHAEL ANDERSON W: WILLIAM P. TEMPLETON/RALPH BETTINSON P: N. PETER RATHVON After an A-bomb blast in the “immediate future”, we are introduced to Edmond O’Brien as a doubting cog in a totalitarian dystopia where Big Brother watches via telescreens in the third (b/w) screen adaptation of George Orwell’s classic, still relevant novel (there was an episode in the live tv Studio One strand from 1953. The other being a celebrated BBC production from 1954). Jan Sterling, Michael Redgrave and Donald Pleasence co-star, and the voice of BB is John Vernon! Engaging enough, but far from a definitive version, and rather forgettable. Apparently there used to be an alternative ending in the UK cut in which O’Brien and Sterling are executed rather than broken and brainwashed (as here in the US release print I saw, and in the original book). With Patrick Allen, Mervyn Johns, Michael Ripper, Ernst Clark and Kenneth Griffith. Anderson directed the major production of AROUND THE WORLD IN EIGHTY DAYS the same year. There was another BBCTV adaptation in 1965.

1984 (1984 UK) D/W: MICHAEL RADFORD W: JONATHAN GEMS P: SIMON PERRY Excellent version of George Orwell’s scathing novel of a totalitarian future dystopia has a perfectly cast John Hurt as Winston Smith. Richard Burton is also excellent in his final role as a state torturer who puts a cage of rats on Hurt’s face. With Cyril Cusack and Annie Lennox. Particularly bleak and depressing (too much so for some critics), but how else should it be done?

1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS (bronx warriors; il guerriri del bronx) (1982 ITL) D/W: ENZO G. CASTELLARI W: DARDANO SACCHETTI/ELISA LIVIA BRIGANTI P: FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS A wealthy and influential man’s daughter from Manhattan runs away to a violent, futuristic Bronx where Trash (Mark Gregory from THUNDER WARRIOR) leads a biker gang with plastic skulls on their handlebars. Vic Morrow is Hammer, an assassin sent to retrieve her who uses a shotgun and flame thrower to kill. Christopher Connelly helps him, and Fred Williamson is a guy called The Ogre who’s driven around in a limousine. With Luigi Montefiore (aka George Eastman), Ennio Girolami, Castellari and some great location work. Mindless MAD MAX and ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK-inspired urban western, but I liked the lone drummer who plays in the street during one scene. ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX followed.

THE NINE VENOMS (nine demons; the demons; gau ji tin moh; jiu zi tian mo) (1984 HK) D/P: CHANG CHEH Unusual but lesser Chang Cheh outing has a young fighter killed while trying to crush a rebellion uprising against his father. In Hell a dark Prince grants him the power of nine demons (represented by chattering skulls) that will strengthen his combat back on Earth providing they are given fresh blood every day. The demons are often seen as laughing children during terrible psychedelic FX sequences (coloured lights basically). The fighting is damn good as always, but there’s not enough kung fu and too much time given to the underdeveloped fantasy angle. Too bad. With Lu Feng, Chiang Sheng and Wong Chi Sang.

NINJA (ninja: revenge will rise) (2009 US) D: ISAAC FLORENTINE W: MICHAEL HURST W/P: BOAZ DAVIDSON P: LES WELDON/DANNY LERNER Scott Adkins (a charisma vacuum) stars as an orphan raised by the Koga ninja clan in Japan. You’ll think Godfrey Ho is back and working for Nu Image as good ninja Adkins must fight bad ninja Tsuyoshi Ihara (following Sho Kosugi’s career path?) in New York (obviously sets in Bulgaria). Ihara is working for corporate cult Illuminati types, and wants to get his hands on some sacred ninja weapons. Mika Hijii (from ALIEN VS. NINJA) is wasted as the love interest who also studied ninjitsu, but needs to be rescued by Adkins all the time instead of kicking ass. Competent in terms of action choreography, but why a kids’ movie plot with adult-orientated graphic CGI bloodletting? With Todd Jensen.

NINJA 2 See: REVENGE OF THE NINJA

NINJA 3: THE DOMINATION (1984 US) D: SAM FIRSTENBERG W: JAMES R. SILKE P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS An evil ninja kills some golfers and lots of cops. The cops pump an endless amount of bullets into him, but he still manages to escape and pass on his Samurai sword to electrical worker/aerobics instructor Lucinda Dickey. Dickey becomes possessed by the magical sword and is forced to kill the cops who shot the ninja against her will. Her (very hairy) cop boyfriend takes her to be exorcised by James Hong. Top-billed Sho Kosugi (who had been in the earlier series entries ENTER THE NINJA and REVENGE OF THE NINJA) arrives from Japan. He’s a good ninja (with an eyepatch) who must defeat the evil spirit. Entertaining stuff from Cannon. NINE DEATHS OF THE NINJA was next. Firstenberg also made AMERICAN NINJA (scripted by Silke) the following year. Dickey used to be Dooley when she starred in LOVELY BUT DEADLY in 81.

NINJA: AMERICAN SAMURAI See: AMERICAN SAMURAI

THE NINJA AND THE THIEF See: TO CATCH A NINJA

NINJA ASSASSINS See: ENFORCER FROM DEATH ROW

NINJA BUSHIDO: OVER THE GREAT WALL See: NINJA OVER THE GREAT WALL

NINJA CHECKMATE See: MYSTERY OF CHESS BOXING

NINJA DEATH (ninja kids; ninja kiss of death; gwai min yan che; gui mian ren zhe) (1982 TAI) D: JOSEPH KUO Alexander Lo Rei is a brothel bouncer who’s targeted by a group of ninjas for reasons he doesn’t understand. The prologue shows that he’s a Japanese prince that Lu Feng wants dead. Chiang Sheng is around long enough to have his eyes gouged. Lo Rei is taught to defend himself by a teacher who spits snake blood over him. Training scenes involve climbing tall bamboo poles slicked in oil. Bad English dubbing gives Lo Rei lines like “I don’t like homosexuals. Not the back door. You bisexual idiot”. Because it’s from Kuo the fight action is top-notch, but the print I saw ended abruptly and unresolved and could have had as much as 10 mins missing (Lo Rei vs Lu Feng?). With Mark Long.

NINJA DESTROYER (1986?) D: “GODFREY HO” P: JOSEPH LAI One of a seemingly infinite supply of poor ninja quickies from Ho and Lai. Probably cobbled together from bits and bobs filmed at different times by different people (it was pretty incoherent) in the Phillipines (or Thailand, judging from the appearance by Sorapong Chatree). But not enough information exists to be exact. Then again, who cares? No Richard Harrison this time, but Stuart Smith and Bruce Baron.

THE NINJA ENFORCER See: ENFORCER FROM DEATH ROW

NINJA EXTERMINATORS See: DEVIL KILLER

NINJA FANTASY (empire of the ninjas) (1986) D: “BRUCE LAMBERT” W: “ANTHONY GREEN” P “TOMAS TANG” Typical cut’n’paste job from Tang (whoever that may be) seems to be a film from Thailand (action star Sorapong Chatree has some screen time) about warring drug-dealers in a small town (at least, according to the poor English dub). Plus of course, edited-in Caucasian ninjas, one an undercover American agent of some description (that can’t decide if he’s CIA or from the “United States Drug Agency”), and another dressed in bright orange! Best known for a scene in which ninjas transform into fish (!) and attack, but honestly, these few seconds aside, it’s very, very boring. If you know what the original Thai film is (assuming it was released), drop me a line.

NINJA FIST OF BLOOD See: BLOODY FIST

NINJA FIST OF FIRE (197? TAI?) There’s barely any information on this swordplay flick that was retitled and released in the 80s on video by the ninjaobsessed Ocean Shores company. Cheung Ching Ching stars though, and it’s dated pretty badly.

NINJA FORCE (1984) See: THE SUPER NINJA

NINJA FORCE (1985) See: NINJA’S FORCE

NINJA HUNTER (wu tang vs ninja; ren zhe da jue dou; yan je dai kuet dau) (1983 TAI) D: WU KUO JEN P: “GEORGE K. KING” (YE MOO LIN) The evil Abbot White (Mark Long) drains the energy from scantily clad girls to make his skin impenetrable. His alliance with a trio of ninjas make him a deadly foe indeed. Two brothers (one is Alexander Lo Rei) and their sister practice Shaolin finger jab to defeat Long and the ninjas in this enjoyable slice of low-budget Taiwanese kung fu. Favourite scene: the ninja who turns into a flying carpet. With Mike Wong. “Old ones, young ones… even bald ones, too!”

NINJA IN THE DEADLY TRAP (hero defeating japs; sui si san chuen; shu shi shen chuan) (1981 TAI) D: PHILIP KWOK W: SHUN SAI SING P: WU DUEN The son of an emperor (Ti Lung) sets out to find the three students of a kung fu master who may have abilities to defeat the invading Japanese army of ninja assassins. Above average fight flick has some great scuffles courtesy of Kwok’s choreography skills. With Lu Feng, Chiang Sheng and Yasuaki Kurata.

NINJA IN THE DRAGON’S DEN (tung ji yan che; long zhi ren zhe) (1982 HK) D/W: YUEN KWAI W/P: NG SEE YUEN Highly enjoyable kung fu comedy choreographed by Yuen and Meng Hoi is as important a new wave entry as anything by Jackie Chan or Sammo Hung. A ninja’s self exile in China kicks off a decent but still superfluous storyline. Concentrate instead on the agile and imaginative set pieces that will leave you in awe (not least of all the justly famous stilt fighting tournament). Stars Conan Lee and Hiroyuki Sanada’s face-off against Hwang Jang Lee and his small army is what final reels are made for. With Hiroshi Tanaka, Tai Bo, Ng See Yuen, Tin Fung, Kwan Yung Moon, Ngai Ping Ngo, plenty of sound FX driven goofy slapstick, a horny sidekick and some powerful tits thrown in for good measure.

NINJA KIDS See: NINJA DEATH

NINJA KILLERS See: FEARLESS FIGHTERS

NINJA KISS OF DEATH See: NINJA DEATH

NINJALIEN See: WITHOUT WARNING

NINJA NIGHTMARE See: ENFORCER FROM DEATH ROW

NINJA OF THE MAGNIFICENCE (american ninja: the magnificent; magnificent ninja) (1988) D: “CHARLES LEE” (KIM JEONG-YONG, orig. footage) W: “KENNY HO” P: HANG GAP-JIN (orig. footage) ARAHAN was a South Korean movie from 1986. In it Elton Chong plays a monk on the run from evildoers (led by a guy wearing leopard skin) with a little girl in tow. Joseph Lai’s IFD ripped it off by cutting it down (maybe as much as 20 mins is missing), adding new footage of brightly coloured (yellow & pink) Caucasian ninjas (there’s no doubt, their headbands say so!) sword fighting, and then tries to make sense of it with an English dub (it doesn’t work). Despite dragging a bit and featuring at least one totally mystifying scene*, the original seems like an ok action adventure with genuinely dangerouslooking forest and cliff location work. It’s also proof that Chong, in a rare non-goof role had the potential to be a cool action star (he looks good with a bald head). The final 20 mins features some petty good martial arts, including a skirmish with his frequent screen nemesis Eagle Han. Not too sure about the TEMPLE OF DOOM-inspired runaway mine cart scene, though. And the little girl’s VERY annoying high-pitched dubbed voice. Some scenes are also way too dark to see. A proper remastered dvd of the complete ARAHAN may be worth a look for kung fu completists. From the director of 10 SHAOLIN DISCIPLES (also with Chong). *That mystifying scene, if you must know: Chong crosses a river valley, pulling himself across (with little girl) under a foot bridge hand-over-hand and trailing a rope. He gets to the other side, swings back (!?) to the original side, the villain cuts the rope and Chong and girl parachute (!) into the river.

NINJA OVER THE GREAT WALL (ninja bushido: over the great wall; fire on great wall; shaolin fist of fury; long huo chang cheng) (1990 CHN) D: BRUCE LE W: FOCK DA LIN P: LIM KIM HUI/KO HUNG CEOK This patriotic nonsense uses a very old-school kung fu plot. Evil invading Japanese gun down civilians in rural China. Bruce Le manages to escape to the South, but must fight the son of a Japanese oppressor there. After Le wins, the spoilsport old man hires ninjas (!) to beat up the locals. Le fights with sword-wielding ninjas (who can shoot fire) in black (including one brave stuntman who fights while on fire), and white ones in the snow (there’s a split-second decapitated head that still looks hokey). Then he trains in the famous Yellow River. Meanwhile the Japanese son from earlier has been home to Japan to study Bushido (which calls for the gouging out of an infant’s eyes apparently), and returns to China for a duel. Hundreds of extras with flaming torches line-up on the Great Wall of China to watch (this sequence is extraordinary, like something shot by Werner Herzog almost). The final bout involves animated x-rays of bones breaking. It drags badly in places, but I ultimately quite enjoyed this daft hokum. With Luk Chuen and Leung Yam, “the famous volleyball player”. Joseph Kong was an associate producer. Le had just spent three years making BLACK SPOT.

NINJA: REVENGE WILL RISE See: NINJA (2009)

NINJA’S FORCE (ninja force) (1985 PHIL) D/W: ROMANO KRISTOFF D: TEDDY PAGE W: KEN WATANABE After some dangerous bacteria is stolen from a lab, the government hire a ninja in “Tokyo” (where people speak incomprehensible Japanese) to get it back. He’s a mixed-race non-Asian-looking guy who’s about as unconvincing a ninja as you could possibly see (mind you, it is preferable to when he’s dragged out in a blonde wig). The plot involves LSD experiments on women, and a couple of guys leap from an extremely slow-moving car to escape a bomb in one hilarious moment. Otherwise it’s a bore. “Where is the ninja?”, “In Japan!”. The tape I saw ended with trailers for other films from the Silver Star Film Company, like NINJA WARRIORS and DOUBLE EDGE.

NINJA SUPREMO See: CRIPPLED KUNG FU BOXER

NINJA SWORDS OF DEATH (flying swallow; naam hap chin chiu; nan xia zhan zhao) (1981 TAI) D/W: WILLIAM CHANG Ting Peng (aka Roc Tien) stars in this pretty nonsensical kung fu flick (I’ve heard that the Ocean Shores version may be missing 20 mins or more). Starts off decently with a kung fu tournament but then slows right down with hardly any action, no sign of a plot and only a few seconds of flying coffins to alleviate boredom. With Judy Lee (briefly), Got Siu Bo, Kong Ban, Lo Dik and Ching Chiu.

NINJA TERMINATOR (black list; hak ming daan; hei ming chan) (1972 HK) D/W: JOHN LAW MA P: LU CHENG HSING Chan Sing is an ex-con who wants revenge for being framed, his wife being taken away from him and his mother’s death. This early slice of modern-day kung fu is a not bad little thriller as long as you don’t expect anything more than rough, crude fight choreography and a minimal storyline. With Henry Yu Yung and an interesting soundtrack that’s partly odd, cheapo funk and stolen spaghetti western music.

NINJA: THE FINAL DUEL (1986 TAI) D/P: ROBERT TAI Tai had choreographed for Chang Cheh and already directed some features before helming this infamous kung fu epic. Originally running an incredible eight hours (available from select bootleggers), this review refers to a 90 mins condensed Englishlanguage version. Of course it makes little sense, but forget about the story, sit back and soak in the incredible choreography and imaginative (if laughably cheap and threadbare) fantasy (giant flying water spiders). Alexander Lo Rei stars. With Eugene Thomas (as a black fighter from Harlem!?!), William Yen and Lee Yi Mins Tai. See also SHAOLIN DOLEMITE for more footage from this incredible rarity.

NINJA THE KUNG FU EMPEROR See: THE KUNG FU EMPEROR

NINJA THUNDERBOLT (1985) D/W: “GODFREY HO” P: JOSEPH LAI/BETTY CHAN First, see the review for TO CATCH A NINJA. This IFD rip-off release is most of that movie, plus additional footage of Richard Harrison as a ninja (and John Ladalski and Kong Tao). Considering that the original flick is somewhat difficult to find, I recommend getting this version on dvd (double billed with INVINCIBLE HERO aka MEAN STREETS OF KUNG FU). You get all the best action set pieces plus bonus Harrison ninja silliness.

NINJA TURF (l.a. streetfighter) (1985 US S.KOR) D: “RICHARD W. PARK” (PARK WOO-SANG) P: DAE-JIN KANG/PHILLIP RHEE No ninjas here. Just a guy who looks about 40 portraying a high school student who gets into fights with rival minority gangs on the streets of LA (this is in fact executive producer Jun Chong aka Bruce Lea, the star of BRUCE LEE FIGHTS BACK FROM THE GRAVE!). It’s too dark to see properly. Apparently Kwan Yung Moon was the fight choreographer. With James Lew, Loren Avedon, Thomas F. Wilson, Brinke Stevens and Rhee. Top joke: “what do you call a fat chink? A big chunk!”. Need I go on?

NINJA USA (1985) D: “DENNIS YU” (WU KUO JEN) W: “EDMUND JONES” P: RANDOL YE Some decent fight choreography can’t save this clichéd, confused and cackhanded martial arts movie starring Alexander Lo Rei. The villain is a drug lord ’nam vet with an army of ninjas (a couple of these turn into logs in the most memorable part!). Jack Long may be in it but it’s difficult to tell. I liked seeing a ninja drive a speedboat, but THE SUPER NINJA (filmed back to back with this?) and NINJA HUNTER were more entertaining movies from the same director/star team.

NINJA VS. BRUCE LEE (concord of bruce) (1982) D: “JOSEPH VELASCO” W: WILLIAM C.F. LO/RICHARD DAI P: ROBERT JEFFREY Bruce Le (billed as a “super star”) changes age and hairstyles and fashions several times during the course of this cut’n’paste “best of” feature cobbled together from several of his releases from P.T. Insantra (like ENTER THE GAME OF DEATH and MY NAME CALLED BRUCE). I don’t know why they even bothered dubbing in new dialogue because it doesn’t make a lick of sense. You can also see Lo Lieh, Kong Do and Hwang Jang Lee with his pet cat.

NINJA VS. SHAOLIN See: SHAOLIN VS. NINJA (1983)

NINJA VS. SHAOLIN GUARDS (war between dragon and tiger; guards of shaolin; miu kooi; wu kuai) (1984 HK) D/W: WILLIAM CHANG LEE W: GEORGE WA Cracking old-school kung fu programmer has Alexander Lo Rei leading monks on a mission to avenge their murdered master and retrieve a stolen sutra. Fast paced with plentiful action choreographed by the godlike Robert Tai (who appears) and Law Cheung Oh. With Alan Chui Chung San, Mike Wong and Eagle Han. There’s even some undead action and rigermortis humour. Recommended.

NINJA VIXENS See: FEMALE NINJAS: MAGIC CHRONICLES 4

NINJA WARS (death of a ninja; black magic wars; iga magic story; iga ninpo-cho) (1982 JPN) D: MITSUMASA (or HOSEI) SATO W: EI OGAWA P: MASATO SATO/IZUMI TOYOSHIMA A scheming lord (Akira Nakao) is approached by a cackling sorcerer (Mikio Narita) who offers a love potion to make a pretty princess (Noriko Watanabe) his lover against her will. Sonny Chiba is Nakao’s disapproving batman who eventually switches sides to aid hero Hiroyuki Sanada in his battle against the evil minions. Based on a novel by Futaro Yamada (Samurai Reincarnation), this impressive looking big-budget fantasy adventure backed by the Kadokawa publishing giants is available overseas in two distinct versions. The readily available shorter English-dubbed print that moves faster and benefits (in the right environment) from some unintentional comic relief (note how often characters ask “what’s that?”), and the longer (by over 30 mins) English subtitled release that’s a little more substantial. Both feature vomiting monks, nudity and a blind man with laser beam eyes, and are equally enjoyable in their own right. With Jun Miho, Gajiro Satoh and Strong Kobayashi. The director had helmed TIME SLIP, with much of the same cast (also available in two cuts) the previous year.

NINJA WOLVES (1979 TAI) D: JOE LAW CHI P: SUN CHU TSAI/MA MING CHI Thoroughly average, routine kung fu flick about heroic Chinese bodyguards defending the Ming dynasty against evil invading Japanese. There are some good fights, and like most Ocean Shores retitlings, not a ninja in sight. With Chang Yi, Yueh Hua, Chan Muk Chuen, Eddy Ko Hung, Miu Tin, Wong Hap, Ma Cheung, Sun Jung Chi, Shih Ting Ken and Siu Gam. It was one of the last films from a director who started his career in the early 60s.

NINJA WOMEN See: FEMALE NINJAS: MAGIC CHRONICLES (series)

THE NINTH CONFIGURATION (twinkle twinkle killer kane) (1980 US) D/W/P: WILLIAM PETER BLATTY Stacy Keach is the new psychiatrist at a remote castle in the mountains who has to determine whether the ’nam vet casualties there are faking psychosis. Neville Brand is the hard-assed drill sergeant and Scott Willis is a particularly in-your-face patient who figures prominently. Blatty (most famous for writing the novel on which THE EXORCIST was based) adapted his own novel Twinkle Twinkle Killer Kane for his fascinating, engrossing directorial debut. As well as fine writing and direction, the film’s success owes a lot to the fine performances from Keach and Wilson. The rest of the cast includes Jason Miller, George DiCenzo, Joe Spinell, Moses Gunn, Richard Lynch, Robert Loggia, Ed Flanders, Tom Atkins and Blatty himself. The film exists in several different cuts of varying length (the longest being around 140 mins), but Blatty’s “director’s cut” version (which this review refers to) is just under two hours. Blatty didn’t direct again until the ill-advised EXORCIST 3.

THE NINTH GATE (la neuvierne porte; la novena puerta) (1999 FRA SPN US) D/W/P: ROMAN POLANSKI W: JOHN BROWNJOHN/ENRIQUE URBIZU Nine Gates To The Kingdom Of Shadows is a book said to have been written by Lucifer himself. Three copies exist. Frank Langella owns one and hires book collector and authenticator Johnny Depp to find the other two copies and compare them to his to find out which is the original. Intriguing (if slow-moving) mystery feels like a cheat when it goes nowhere interesting and ends with an unsatisfactory conclusion. Based on Arturo Pereze Reuerte’s novel El Club Dumas. With Lena Olin, James Russo, Emanuelle Seigner, Jack Taylor, Allen Garfield, Jacques Dacquime and Goldie.

99 AND 44/100% DEAD (call harry crown) (1974 US) D: JOHN FRANKENHEIMER W: ROBERT DILLON P: JOE WIZAN Richard Harris stars in this much hated flop of a thriller with pretentious pop art/ surrealist overtones. Edmond O’Brien and Bradford Dillman are gang bosses in an unspecified (futuristic?) city who use hitman Harris as a pawn between them. There’s some nice ideas (the canal full of cement shoed corpses is great) and characters (Chuck Connors as Claw), but an equal amount of annoying, unsuccessful ones as well. Harris’ narration should have been dumped, too. With Roy Jenson. Kurt Neumann was assistant director. Dillon also wrote FRENCH CONNECTION 2 for Frankenheimer.

99 CYCLING SWORDS (lung wei village; lung wai saan chong; long wei shan shuang) (1980 TAI) D/W: TYRON HSU P: HO MEI TSING Polly Shang Kuan stars (as a woman unconvincingly disguised as a man) in this disjointed period kung fu movie that does have some fantastic moments that make it worthwhile for those interested. The storyline concerns Kuan and a small group of patriots (including the not-in-it-much Lo Lieh) trying to uncover a traitor who’s selling them out to the Qing. There’s an excellent bit of whip-wielding at the beginning to whet your appetite, and a gun/sword combo is used in the finale to defeat the bad guy. The soundtrack is sometimes tropical Bangra. With Woo Gam, Yueh Hua, Chui Chung Hei and Cho Boon Feng.

92 IN THE SHADE (1975 US UK) D/W: THOMAS McGUANE P: GEORGE PAPPAS Peter Fonda badly wants to become a fishing guide in Key West, Florida. Experienced guide (and alleged murderer) Warren Oates doesn’t want the competition, plays a prank on Fonda, who retaliates with force. The two become rivals of a sort in this offbeat, rambling cult classic with many funny moments, great dialogue and eccentric characters (Burgess Meredith is particularly good). With Margot Kidder, Harry Dean Stanton, William Hickey, Joe Spinell, Sylvia Miles and Elizabeth Sahley. The great ending was edited upon rerelease, and has stayed that way since. Based on McGuane’s novel, it was his sole credit as director (although several others films were based on his writing). Fonda and Oates were also teamed-up for THE HIRED HAND and RACE WITH THE DEVIL. A great triple bill!

NO BLADE OF GRASS (1970 US) D/P: CORNEL WILDE W: SEAN FORESTAL/JEFFERSON PASCAL A virus that makes crops poisonous spreads from Asia and Africa to the rest of the world. The Chinese government oks huge air strikes on its own population to give some of the people a chance of survival when starvation begins. The same methods are rumoured to be employed in the UK when Nigel Davenport, wife Jean Wallace (director Wilde’s real-life spouse), daughter Lynne Frederick and her boyfriend decide to flee London for a friend’s farm in the country. They pick up more people to join their expedition (including EastEnders’ Wendy Craig), but roadblocks, looting, martial law and various crazies make the trek difficult. Wilde is not the most subtle of directors, so his satire and constant reminders of eco-poisoning fall flat (and I’m not sure about those largely pointless flash-forwards either), but he knows how to pace a movie, and this exciting, never boring sf/disaster/survival movie is great fun to watch. A highlight is a shoot-out against a biker gang. Shot in Scotland, it was based on the novel The Death Of Grass by John (The Tripods) Christopher (which must have influenced the earlier PANIC IN YEAR ZERO!, despite that movie being officially based on another story). With George Colouris, Patrick Holt and Christopher Neame. Wilde’s next (and final) film as director was SHARK’S TREASURE.

THE NOBLE NINJA (chivalry and killer; xia shi biao ke sha shou) (1981 TAI) D: HAN HAO CHANG W/P: WONG LONG SHENG Hsu Feng is poisoning some men for an obscure reason in this hard to follow, uninspired kung fu quickie. Completists might want to check out the ending when Lo Lieh turns up for a fight and doesn’t pause for breath after he’s impaled on a sword. With Ha Kwong Li, Pai Ying, Yueh Hua, Man Chung San, Lily Li Li Li, Cheung Paang, Kong Ching Ha, Tung Lam, Lee Yuen, Fong Min, Suen Yuet, Cho Kin, Wu Jiaxiang, Lee Man Tai and Wong Chi Sang.

NOBLE’S EXPRESS See: SHANGHAI EXPRESS

NO CODE OF CONDUCT (full brunt of attack) (1998 US) D/W: BRET MICHAELS W: CHARLIE SHEEN/ SHANE STANLEY/WILLIAM GUCWA P: AVI LERNER/ ELIE SAMAHA/DANNY DIMBORT/TREVOR SHORT Charlie Sheen is an ex-vice squad cop with Martin Sheen for a boss. The Sheens and Mark Dacascos try to trace shipments of Mexican heroin in this routine cop thriller. Joe Estevez even turns up as a police mechanic (and calls Charlie a “little prick”). With Paul Gleason, Meredith Salinger, Courtney Gains, David Jean Thomas, Renee Estevez and director Michaels (who was executive producer along with Charlie — or, Charles — Sheen); Boaz Davidson was co-producer.

NO CONTEST (hardness) (1994 CAN) D: PAUL LYNCH W: ROBERT COOPER P: PETER R. SIMPSON Terrorists led by Andrew (Dice) Clay take the contestants of a Miss Galaxy pageant hostage at a big hotel for a diamond ransom. Tv host and martial arts movie star Shannon Tweed (“Bruce Lee with boobs”) does a Bruce Willis in this not-bad DIE HARD clone. Robert Davi co-stars as a limping bodyguard and there’s lots of violence and explosions. With Roddy Piper, Nicholas Campbell, Jason Blicker and Victor Ertmanis. NO CONTEST II (1997) followed.

NO DEAD HEROES (1987 US) D/W/P: J.C. MILLER P: ARTHUR N. GELFIELD An ex-soldier is sent to kill his old ’nam buddy who’s had a microchip implanted in his head (to make him kill the Pope) by evil Communists. There’s the occasional laughable moment in this awful, boring action movie. But not enough to recommend it. None of the (bad) actors are familiar. It’s from Manson International and is very pro-US involvement.

NO DOOR TO HELL See: WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU

NO FUTURE See: THE FILTH AND THE FURY

NOISE See: THE ASTRONAUT’S WIFE

NOMADS (1986 US) D/W: JOHN McTIERNAN P: GEORGE PAPPAS/CASSIAN ELWES/ELLIOTT KASTNER Lesley-Ann Down is a doctor who contracts French anthropologist Pierce Brosnan’s memory in this dull movie about evil spirits in human form roaming around in street gangs. With Adam Ant, Frances Bay, Mary Woronov and Reed Morgan. McTiernan hit it big with DIE HARD.

NO MAN’S LAND (1987 US) D: PETER WERNER W/P: DICK WOLF P: JOSEPH STERN D.B. Sweeney is an undercover cop in an auto-theft ring who befriends hotshot rich-kid Porsche thief Charlie Sheen. With Randy Quaid, Bill Duke, M. Emmet Walsh and an uncredited Brad Pitt in his debut bit-part as a waiter. Ron Howard was the executive producer of this ok, very 80s car chase movie.

NO MERCY (yong seo seun ebos da) (2009 S.KOR) D/W: KIM HYEONG-JOON-I P: KANG WU-SOOK When a dismembered girlish body is found in an estuary slated for redevelopment, it seems a pretty cut’n’dry case that the prime suspect, a bitter, crippled environmental activist (Ryu Seung-beom, the voice of Aachi in AACHI & SSIPAK) did it. But respected medical examiner Sol Kyung-Eu (RIKI DOZAN (2004)) has to make sure that crucial physical evidence disappears, and that Ryu goes free, otherwise harm will come to his kidnapped daughter. Increasingly gripping thriller with the inevitable pull of tragedy, but the full truth of the denouement is still crushing. Dark, and quite excellent (and very wellperformed). Han Ye-jin co-stars as a young cop who looks up to her former professor Sol. With Seong Jiroo, Lee Jeong-leon and Kwon Hyeok-Poong.

NO MORE MR. NICE GUY See: MR. NICE GUY

NON-STOP See: DANGAN RUNNER

NO PLACE LIKE HOMICIDE See: WHAT A CARVE UP!

NO PROBLEM (mon dai nai; mou man tai) (1999 JPN HK) D: ALFRED CHEUNG P: KENICHI KARUBE/ KUMI KOBATA/SAM LEONG/TOSHIAKI KOCHI Extremely popular Japanese comedian and tv host Takashi Okamura is a Jackie Chan fan who works at a movie memorabilia store in Tokyo. When his girlfriend (Yasue Sato) leaves for Hong Kong to become a secretary for Chan, he follows in the hope of winning her back. He works as an action movie stuntman (sometimes in a gorilla suit) and helps an illegal Chinese immigrant find her missing boyfriend. This is more about comedy and romance than action, but is likeable lightweight stuff. With Francis Ng and a cameo from Sammo Hung. A hit in Japan, it resulted in a sequel that was more successful all over Asia.

NO PROBLEM 2 (mon dai nai 2: mou man tai 2) (2002 HK JPN) D: CHIN KAR LOK P: LEONG TAK SAM Pretty much more of the same as daydreaming Takashi Okamura goes to Hong Kong and protects big-breasted idol Wakana Sakai from gangsters working for her corrupt businessman uncle (Shun Sugata). Criminals Yuen Biao and Candy Lo (with buck teeth) help, and Sam Lee mugs around. With Ngai Sing, Chin Kar Lok, Eric Tsang, Jerry Lamb, Wayne Lai, Tats Lau Yi-Dat, Lau Kar-Ying and an extended cameo from SCORPION KING Jung Yuen.

NOROI (2005 JPN) D/W: KOJI SHIRAISHI P: TAKA ICHISE Pretty entertaining BLAIR WITCH-inspired faux documentary framed around scary “accidental” video footage, as a paranormal investigator on a routine lead pieces together the strands of an ancient curse and its manifestations in modern-day Tokyo. With some celebrities (i.e. Dankan, Ai Ijima) edited in from old tv variety show broadcasts, and unfunny comedy duo Ungirls. Some good shocks and an agreeable urban legend air to it all.

NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER (cinderella boy; karate tiger) (1985 US) D/W: CORY YUEN KWAI W/P: NG SEE YUEN W: KEITH W. STRANDBERG New York mobsters want to take over an LA karate school dojo as a front for their operations. The teacher refuses, gets beaten up and moves to Seattle wanting never to fight again. But his teen son (the hero) who idolises Bruce Lee carries on training to defend himself against bullies. The ghost of Bruce Lee (Kim Tai Chung, an actor who doesn’t look much like Lee and was also in GAME OF DEATH) teaches him the ways of Jeet Kune Do. He eventually kicks the mobsters’ main fighter’s ass (Jean-Claude Van Damme as Ivan the Russian) in the tournament finale. This KARATE KID-inspired nonsense was a huge hit on video in its day and can be enjoyed nowadays as a nostalgic slice of the 80s (note breakdancing scenes). The acting is wonderfully bad, but the fighting is OK. Yuen Kwai and Ng See Yuen had already directed some proper kung fu favourites in Hong Kong and Taiwan. That puzzling alternate title, by the way is from the Japanese video release. “Sequels” followed.

NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER 4 See: THE KING OF THE KICKBOXERS

NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER 5 See: AMERICAN SHAOLIN

NORTH BY NORTHWEST (1959 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: ERNEST LEHMAN Cary Grant is too smug in his fourth and final Hitchcock movie. He’s an advertising executive mistaken for one of Leo G. Carroll’s double agents after spy James Mason. Eva Marie Saint is the love interest and real double agent whose cover is blown. She helps Grant escape from police as he’s hounded cross-country for a murder he didn’t commit. It was a hit and everyone remembers the crop spraying and Mt. Rushmore scenes, but it’s too long (approximately 135 mins) and just not as good as some of the director’s real classics. Hitchcock (who makes his usual cameo, running for a bus) must have been fed-up of these innocent-in-peril movies; he made the very different PSYCHO next. With Jessie Royce Landis, Martin Landau, Edward Platt, Les Tremayne, Ken Lynch, Stanley Adams, Lawrence Dobkin, Ned Glass, Frank Marlowe, Howard Negley, Maudie Prickett, Jeffrey Sayre, Harry Seymour, Carleton Young, Harry Strang, Dale Van Sickel, Frank Wilcox, Robert Williams, Wilson Wood, Robert Shayne, Jeremy Slater, Olan Soule and Harvey Stephens.

NORTHERN KICKS, SOUTHERN FISTS See: SECRET RIVALS 3

NORTH FACE See: FINAL DESCENT

NO SEX PLEASE — WE’RE BRITISH (1973 UK) D: CLIFF OWEN W: BRIAN COOKE/ANTHONY MARRIOTT/JOHNNIE MORTIMER P: JOHN R. SLOAN It’s a good title for a very British doorslamming comedy about bank tellers in Windsor trying to get rid of a stack of pornographic pictures and films that were accidentally mailed to the bank instead of the dirty book shop down the street. Unfortunately it’s not very funny, although the rest of the world would probably be much bemused by the big fuss about porn. Ronnie Corbett headlines, with Beryl Reid, Arthur Lowe, Ian Ogilvy, Valerie Leon, Margaret Nolan, Gerald Sim, Michael Ripper, John Bindon, Robin Askwith and Fred Griffiths.

NOSFERATU (1921 GER) D: F.W. MURNAU W: HENRIK GALEEN P: ENRICO DIECKMANN/ALBIN GRAU/ WAYNE KEELEY The first (unauthorized) feature version of Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula is wonderful (Stoker sued). Max Schreck is very creepy as Count Orloc, who’s eventually killed by his love (Greta Schroder). I don’t need to tell you the story. The scarecrow scene is a highlight. An evergreen classic. Murnau was the man who added the death-by-sunlight element to the Dracula mythology, by the way (it is not in the book). Running times are all over the place, try to check out the UK C4 restored version (the best I’ve seen). With Alexandre Grannach and Karl Etlinger. Locations include a real castle in (what is now) Slovakia. Albin Grau was set designer. Edgar G. Ulmer was art director. Werner Herzog copied many scenes for his 1978 remake.

THE NOSFERATU DIARIES: EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE (embrace of the vampire; lady vampire) (1994 US) D: ANNE GOURSAUD W: HALLE EATON/ NICOLE COADY/RICK BITZELBERGER P: MARILYN VANCE/ALAN MRUVKA Lovesick vampire Martin Kemp has flashbacks of his lost love (Rebecca Ferratti) and is bitten by three topless vampire women in soft-focus erotic scenes. He decides that uptight virgin college student and former Catholic schoolgirl Alyssa Milano (who is also seen topless) is the reincarnation of Ferratti so sets out to keep her pure. No one else can see him when he talks to her and he tries to seduce her frustrated boyfriend by disguising himself as Jennifer Tilly. Chalotte Lewis is a nice “slut” photography student who seduces Milano. Jordan Ladd (daughter of Cheryl) gets her head smashed against a door and Kemp licks the blood off. With Rachel True and an orgy LSD trip sequence. Tiresome nonsense from the director of POISON IVY 2 (also starring Milano) and ANOTHER 9 1/2 WEEKS. None of these films are sexy (to my mind).

NOSFERATU IN VENICE See: VAMPIRE IN VENICE

NOSFERATU THE VAMPYRE (nosferatu: phantom der nacht; nosferatu: fantom de la nuit) (1978 W.GER FRA) D/W/P: WERNER HERZOG P: MICHAEL GRUSKOFF (uncredited)/DANIEL TOSCAN DU PLANTIER (uncredited) Herzog’s remake of the 1922 silent horror classic (with more from Bram Stoker’s Dracula novel) casts Klaus Kinski (perfect!) as a pretty fucking creepy Count Dracula. Isabelle Adjani has Greta Schroeder’s role (for some reason she’s Lucy, rather than Mina Harker). Bruno Ganz is Jonathan Harker, Roland Topor is Renfield, and Walter Ladengast (in his final role) is a useless Van Helsing who doesn’t believe in vampires! Some scenes from the original are copied exactly. Other scenes with an intense Kinski border on Gothic parody. An interesting new angle involves a plague, a most memorable scene being a dinner party in a town square swarming with rats. It was shot (by Jorg Schmidt-Reitwein, Herzog’s then-regular cinematographer) in Germany, the Netherlands, and what was Czechoslovakia. It opens with shots of the mummies in Guanajuato, Mexico. The excellent, evocative soundtrack includes cuts from Forian Fricke and Popul Voh. Shot simultaneously in German and English, it’s a curious thing that the English version falls just the wrong side of hypnotic and seems to drag, but the German one is a very interesting adaptation, with Kinski as an anemic old aristocrat, bored with life. With Dan Van Husen. VAMPIRES IN VENICE was the follow up. Herzog and Kinski had previously collaborated on AGUIRRE, their next was WOYZECK.

NOSTRADAMUS (1980) See: THE MAN WHO SAW TOMORROW

NOSTRADAMUS (1994 GER ROM UK FRA) D/W: ROGER CHRISTIAN W: KNUT BOESER/PIERS ASHWORTH P: HARALD REICHEBNER/EDWARD SIMONS Tcheky Karyo is legendary prophet Michel de Nostradame in this very good boipic set in plagueravaged 16th century France (where Amanda Plummer is Queen). He was often persecuted for his “visions” (prophesying WWII, JFK and Sadam Hussein), especially by the Inquisition who thought of him as a heretic. It ends with the prophecy that humans will explore (and possibly live in) space. With F. Murray Abraham, Rutger Hauer (as “the mystical monk”), Michael Gough, Julia Ormond, Anthony Higgins, Assumpta Serna and Michael Byrne. Director Christian had touched on psychic/vision themes in his THE SENDER from 1982 (also recommended)

NOSTRADAMUS (end of century) (1999 CAN US) D: TIBOR TAKACS W: DAVID BOURLA/BRIAN IRVING P: PAUL COLICHMAN/MARK R. HARRIS/STEPHEN P. JARCHOW A sixth order of the Antichrist sends assassins from the 16th century to the present day with the aid of an ancient time machine. These assassins cause certain people to spontaneously combust with a chant, thus bringing about the Apocalypse. Rob Estes stars as a modern-day cop reincarnation of Nostradamus who has to protect FBI Agent Joely Fisher. With David Milbern, Gene Davis, Jonas Chernick, Aleks Paunovic and the director Guy Maddin (!). Interesting but unsatisfying sci-fi action from the director of THE GATE. It ends with a set-up for a sequel.

THE NOSTRIL PICKER (the changer) (1988 US) D: MARK NOWICKI W: STEVEN HODGE A very sleazy guy (Carl Zscherling) learns a spell from a tramp that will make him popular with girls. He turns into a teenage girl and enlists himself in the local high school where this very low-budget horror movie suddenly turns into a teen comedy (“schooling! I’m gonna get me some schooling” goes the song) with the guy snooping in the girls’ shower room and smoking and drinking in the canteen. Despite acting like the middle-aged creep that he/she really is, the girl manages to get some friends who soon end up dead when Zscherling turns psycho and this switches back to depressing horror. I recommend this awful, laughable wonder with a ridiculous ending knowing that it may ruin your mind. It has similarities with SLIME CITY.

NOTHING BUT BLONDES See: BLONDE IN BONDAGE

NOTHING PERSONAL See: MONTANA

NOTHING UNDERNEATH (sotto il vestito niente) (1983 ITL) D/W: CARLO VANZINA W: ENRICO VANZINA/ FRANCO FERRINI P: ACHILLE MANZOTTI A Yellowstone Park Ranger in Wyoming has a psychic link with his model sister in Italy. He goes to Milan to find her when he senses she may be killed by a mysterious figure brandishing scissors. More models are killed and nice cop Donald Pleasence (great as always) gets on the case. Not bad of its type, with Ann Galiena, disco dancing, a Pino Donaggio score and a memorable final scene. It’s based on a novel by Marco Parma and was followed by TOO BEAUTIFUL TO DIE (1988).

NOT OF THIS EARTH (1956 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: CHARLES B. GRIFFITH/MARK HANNA Great 67 mins early Corman sci-fi, and a kind of classic of independent exploitation of the era. Paul Birch stars as a black-eyed alien vampire (in suit and black shades) who gets blood transfusions from nurse Beverly Garland. He hates high-decibel sounds and throws homeless people in a matter-transporter, that send them to his home planet, where they can be studied in time for an all-out invasion! The monster is a flying bat/jellyfish combo beast!! Jonathan Haze co-stars, and Dick Miller has great part as a door-todoor vacuum cleaner salesman (“crazy”). With Roy Engel, Hank Mann and Paul Blaisdell FX. Remade thrice (1988, 1995 and 1997’s STAR PORTAL) (so far).

NOTORIOUS (1946 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: BEN HECHT Claude Rains is a devious, wealthy traitor in league with the Nazis. Secret agent Cary Grant reluctantly convinces Ingrid Bergman (whom he loves) to marry the smitten Rains so she can give info to the Americans about his dealings in Rio de Janeiro. This is one of the few Hitchcock favourites that has not aged well over the years. Its reliance on romance and drama rather than thrills and excitement results in b/w boredom for modern viewers. With Ivan Triesault, Reinhold Schunzel, Louis Calhern, Moroni Olsen, Lester Dorr, Charles D. Brown, Wally Brown, Gavin Gordon, Virginia Gregg, Harry Hayden, Donald Kerr, George Lynn, Frank Marlowe, Howard M. Mitchell, Antonio Moreno, Howard Negley, Garry Owen, Emmett Vogen, Lillian West, Frank Wilcox and the usual Hitchcock cameo. It was remade in 1992. Busy Hecht wrote many screenplays, including KISS OF DEATH (1947).

THE NOTORIOUS BANDIT see: HANDS OF DEATH

THE NOTORIOUS CLEOPATRA (1970 US) D/P: “A.P. STOOTSBERRY” (PETER PERRY) W: JIM MACHER Julius Caesar sends Marc Anthony to fetch him Cleopatra (the gorgeous and frequently nude black Sonora) in this typically good-looking Box-office International period nudie nonsense. There are orgies, a slave auction and some pretty cool music on the soundtrack. With Dixie Donovan and Christopher Stone. Harry Novak was executive producer.

THE NOTORIOUS DAUGHTER OF FANNY HILL (1966 US) D: “PETER STOOTSBERRY” (PETER PERRY) P: DAVID F. FRIEDMAN/DAN SONNEY Plotless, softcore sexploitation nonsense, but Friedman’s stuff always looks classy and this is no exception. Everyone’s decked out in expensive-looking period costumes on detailed sets (especially for the no doubt seriously low-budget). And I’m a sucker for “innocent” eroticism (including some whipping and kinkiness) in lush locations. Essential for those inclined, others may just find it boring. With Stacey Walker. William Rostler was the still photographer. Vilos Zsigmond was the cinematographer.

NO TRESPASSING See: THE RED HOUSE

NOVEMBER CONSPIRACY See: ACROSS THE RIVER TO MOTOR CITY

NO WAY BACK (1995 US JPN) D/W: FRANK A. CAPPELLO P: JOEL SOISSON/AKI KOMINE Russell Crowe is an FBI agent who transports yakuza member Etsushi Toyokawa cross-country in this MIDNIGHT RUN-style co-production. Helen Slater (SUPERGIRL) is a chatty air stewardess who tags along. With Michael Lerner, Kelly Hu and (briefly) Kyusaku Shimada (Kato in TOKYO: THE LAST MEGALOPOLIS). It’s pretty average. From the director of AMERICAN YAKUZA (1993).

NOWHERE TO RUN (1992 US) D: ROBERT HARMON W: JOE EZSTERHAS/LESLIE BOEHN/RANDY FELDMAN/RICHARD MARQUAND P: CRAIG BAUMGARTEN/ GARY ADELSON Escaped convict Jean-Claude Van Damme helps widow Rosanna Arquette defend her farmland against evil land developers in this motorbike racing SHANE copy. Damme’s attempt at a more “serious” role is really boring. With Kieran Culkin, Joss Ackland, Ted Levine, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Luana Anders (!), John Finn, Thomas Rosales Jr. and lots of stuntmen. From the director of THE HITCHER and the screenwriter of BASIC INSTINCT.

NUCLEAR COUNTDOWN See: TWILIGHT’S LAST GLEAMING

NUCLEAR TRANSFER See: IDAHO TRANSFER

NUCREATURE See: PLUTONIUM BABY

NUDE ON THE MOON (moon dolls; girls on the moon; nature girls on the moon; nature on the moon) (1960 US) D/W/P: “ANTHONY BROOKS” (DORIS WISHMAN) D/W: RAYMOND PHELAN P: MARTIN CAPLAN A young rocket scientist inherits $3m and uses it to build a rocket (in six months) so he and a professor can go to the Moon! They’re not seen doing anything, but eventually casually drive over to the launch strip (passing a marquee for Wishman’s previous debut nudie film HIDEOUT IN THE SUN [1960], and remarking on it) and climb in the rocket (a not-too-bad miniature, all things considered). After they take off (sitting normally) they talk to each other with handsets even though they’re sitting next to each other. They fall sleep but land ok. They explore the lush, green Moon surface in odd coloured leotard outfits with shoulder pads, wearing cheap plastic helmets with oxygen tubes underneath. They discover a nudist camp (!), with telepathic topless women (in bathing suit bottoms) and beefcake men (and some kids). They all have antennae on their heads. They don’t do much of anything, just lounge around and the astronauts take photos. The younger one falls in love with the queen, but returns to Earth and finds her exact double in his previously neglected secretary. Apart from the theme tune Moon Doll (sung by Ralph Young), the music is mostly relaxing spaceage bachelor pad-type exotica, which adds to making this delightful, absorbing experience quite unlike anything else. It was shot at Coral Castle (as WILD WOMEN OF WONGO). Bunny Yeager was the still photographer. Phelan (the cinematographer) had previously shot parts of the 1958 Newport Jazz Festival for the concert film JAZZ ON A SUMMER’S DAY. He went on to shoot a few more Wishman wonders, and directed his own: TOO YOUNG, TOO IMMORAL (1962) and ASSIGNMENT: FEMALE (1965). Wishman’s next was DIARY OF A NUDIST.

NUKIE (1989 GER US UK S.AFR) D/W: SIAS ODENDAL D: MICHAEL PAKLEPPA W: BENJAMIN TAYLOR P: ALBIE VENTER/ROY SARGEANT Two aliens (who speak English) fall to Earth. One lands in the US and is experimented on by scientists, while his brother (Nukie) lands in Africa. They have a telepathic link and can also talk to computers and monkeys. Steve Railsback (who fixes a crashed helicopter with a piece of chewing gum) is the only name value “star” in this cheap and ridiculous kids’ movie. With Glynis Johns and Carin C. Tietze.

NUMBERED DAYS See: SAVAGE ABDUCTION

NUMBER ONE See: REAL GENIUS

#1 CHEERLEADER CAMP (2010 US) D: MARK QUOD W: NAOMI SELFMAN P: DAVID MICHAEL LATT The guys from The Asylum bring us a cheap rip-off of FIRED UP! (2009) and other teen sex comdies. A couple of horny losers do maintenance at the title camp while ogling girls, masturbating a lot and eventually helping the underdog team win a tournament (by hiring pole dancers). Stupid, quite boring and not very sexy. but I suppose no more crass and unlikable than similar (and often meaner spirited) bigger budget fare from major studios. Charlene Tilton (she used to be in DALLAS) is the confused-looking guest star, and Paul Logan of MEGA PIRANHA fame is a strip club bouncer.

NUTBAG (2000 US) D/W: NICK PALUMBO P: DANYEL MAKENNA A bearded skinhead serial killer (Mack Hail) narrates, talks to himself a lot, talks to a tarantula, fails to commit suicide, has b/w flashbacks and kills (mostly hookers and other women, some naked). He mentions “whores” and “niggers” a lot, and hangs out in a room decorated with horror movie posters (TEXAS CHAIN SAW, THE BURNING, PIECES etc.). This cheap-looking (passersby wave at the camera) shot-on-video bore would like to think it’s on a level with HENRY, I think, but it’s far from it, and Hail is no Michael Rooker. Palumbo went on to make MURDER-SET-PIECES (2004).

N.Y. BAD BOYS See: DUDES

A NYMPHOID BARBARIAN IN DINOSAUR HELL (dark fortress) (1990 US) D/W/P: BRETT PIPER P: ALEX PIRNIC The talented Piper made a fun post-nuke fantasy adventure with lots of excellent stop-motion dinosaur FX in New Hampshire on an extremely low budget. Troma released it with a new intro that tries to sex it up a bit. The result has been endlessly ridiculed, for no reason other than its dumb title. If released as DARK FORTRESS then maybe more parents would let their kids watch it (they would be guaranteed to enjoy), but Troma’s tampering is nothing compared to what happened to Piper’s earlier DYING DAY/RAIDERS OF THE LIVING DEAD. Linda Corwin stars.

N.Y.P.D. 15 See: THE CORRUPTOR

OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES (oasis of the living dead; tombs of the living dead; bloodsucking nazi zombies; la tumba de los muertos vivientes; l’abime des morts vivants; le tresor des morts-vivants) (1981 FRA SPN) D/W: “A.M. FRANK/“A.L. MARIAUX” (JESÚS FRANCO) D: MARIUS LASOEUR W: RAHON LINDO P: DANIEL LASOEUR Apparently two distinct versions of this exist, with varying cast members. The Spanishlanguage one has Lina Romay. She wasn’t in the (export) version I saw so I guess this review refers to the French version (dubbed into English). It begins with lots of close-ups of a couple of girls’ asses in denim shorts, wandering around an oasis. They get killed and the film starts. That was the best part. The rest of this dreary endurance test of a movie has teens searching for gold in the desert protected by zombies in Nazi uniforms. Antonio Mayans is The Sheik, while Eduardo Fajardo is in some other version out there. Some explosions and gunfights were edited in from a war movie called GARDENS OF THE DEVIL (1971). Some people think Eurocine’s ZOMBIE LAKE was bad, but that was a pleasure to watch compared to this abomination.

THE OBJECTIVE (2008 US MOR) D/W: DANIEL MYRICK W: MARK A. PATTON/WESLEY CLARK JR. P: JEREMY WALL/ZEV GUBER A CIA agent (Jonas Ball) leads a team of grunts into Taliban-controlled Afghan desert country on a top secret recon mission. Geography shifts and people and objects disappear. Low-key, interesting and well-acted throughout, the ending is a tad too enigmatic to repay the viewer’s attention. But not a bad attempt at all. Shot in Morocco. Myrick was one of the guys behind BLAIR WITCH.

OBLIVION (welcome to oblivion; space lizard 3001) (1994 US) D: SAM IRVIN W: PETER DAVID/CHARLES BAND/MARK GOLDSTEIN/JOHN RHEAUME/GREG SUDDETH P: OANA PAUNESCU/VLAD PAUNESCU On a distant planet, a reptile faced villain called Red Eye (Andrew Divoff), his mistress Lash (Musetta Vander with a laser whip) and their cohorts (including the big childlike Irwin Keyes) take over the futuristic old western town of Oblivion. The dead sheriff’s “empath” son, a native (Indian), the cyborg deputy (Meg Foster) and undertaker/harbringer of death/ bingo hall owner Gaunt (Carel Struycken) fight back in this action sci-fi with some monsters (large double-tailed desert scorpions animated by David Allen) and ill-advised comedy (way too much). With George Takei as a drunken doctor who has some unfortunate STAR TREK reference gags, Julie Newmar as Miss Kitty, appearances from Isaac Hayes and director Irwin, dwarfs and a cute little deadly frog look creature. This Full Moon release is different, but is also irritating. Charles Band was the executive producer and dad Albert was co-producer. A sequel (probably filmed back to back with most of the same cast in Romania) followed.

O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU (2000 US UK FRA) D/W/P: JOEL and ETHAN COEN George Clooney, John Turturro and Tim Blake-Nelson escape from a chain gang during the Depression and setoff on a typically odd, deadpan Coen adventure based on Homer’s The Odyssey. More feelgood than you may expect (and not ironically, either), it’s another gem on the brothers’ CV. With Colin Fox, John Goodman, Holly Hunter, Chris Thomas King, Charles Durning, Michael Badalucco, Ed Gale, Ray McKinnon, Daniel von Bargen, Stephen Root, Musetta Vander and The Whites.

OBSCENE BEAST TEACHER See: SEX BEAST TEACHER (series)

OBSESSION (1976 US) D/W: BRIAN De PALMA W: PAUL SCHRADER P: GEORGE LITTO/HARRY N. BLUM This begins with wealthy executive Cliff Robertson’s wife and daughter being kidnapped and then dying during a police chase when he doesn’t come good with the ransom. Years later he meets art restorer Genevieve Bujold (at her most beautiful) in Italy, and she’s the spitting image of his wife. This typically well-crafted but thoroughly predictable Hitchcock clone is DePalma (and Schrader) at their worst. With John Lithgow and Tom Felleghy.

AN OBSESSION (tsumetai chi) (1997 JPN) D/W: SHINJI AOYAMA P: NAOKI KAI/KATSUAKI TAKEMOTO/ TSUTOMU KUZO Yurei Yanagi guns down the leader of an Aum-like cult in front of tv cameras. Cop Ryo Ishibashi is wounded while pursuing him and loses his gun. The gun is later used for a series of murders in this reinterpretation of Akira Kurosawa’s 1949 classic STRAY DOG. It’s a good, muted docudrama-look thriller (lots of shakycam) for the most part, with a pinch of bizarre, outlandish touches that’ll keep you intrigued. A shame then that this well-acted semitriumph completely loses its way in the final reel, heading nowhere and relying on contrivances and easy options. With Taro Suwa.

GLI OCCHI DENTRO (occhi senza volto; eyes without a face; madness) (1993 ITL) D: “HERIK MONTGOMERY” (BRUNO MATTEI) W: LORENZO DE LUCA Despite its akas, this has nothing to do with 1959 horror classic EYES WITHOUT A FACE. An unseen killer clad in black (including a zip-up face mask) is murdering young women, removing their eyeballs and sticking shards of glass in the sockets, apparently inspired by the Dr. Dark comic book. He leaves the eyeballs at the home of the woman who created the comic. There are several red herring suspects in this lousy, slow-moving late entry in the giallo cycle. In-jokes in the English dub refer to Lovecraft, Caligari etc. Unlike several Mattei stinkers, it doesn’t even contain the requisite gore and sleaze to engage you.

THE OCCULTIST See: WALDO WARREN

AN OCCURENCE AT OWL CREEK BRIDGE (incident at owl creek bridge; la riviere du hibou) (1962 FRA) D/W: ROBERT ENRICO P: MARCEL ICHAE/PAUL DE ROUBAIX Roger Jacquet is an unnamed man about to be hanged from a bridge during the American Civil War. He imagines his escape just before death. Endlessly copied 25 mins b/w short is very well done. The same story (based on an Ambrose Bierece tale) had already been an ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS… episode in 1959 (starring James Coburn), and this version turned up as the last of the original TWILIGHT ZONE episodes with added Rod Serling narration.

THE OCTAGON (1980 US) D: ERIC KARSON W: LEIGH CHAPMAN/PAUL NARON P: JOEL FREEMAN Chuck Norris goes up against some kind of secret ninja organisation in this endless, dull “action” movie that has many whispering voice-overs to let us know what Chuck’s thinking. Lee Van-Cleef costars in a completely useless role, with Mike Norris, Art Hindle, Jack Carter, Richard Norton, Tracey Walter (the only highlight), Larry D. Mann, Gerald Okamura, Ernie Hudson, Aaron Norris, Enrique Lucero, John Barrett (who also did some stunts) and Mike Norris.

OCTAMAN (1971 US) D/W: HARRY ESSEX W: LEIGH CHAPMAN P: MICHAEL KRAIKE An intro narration explains how a humanoid shaped octopus is a local legend in Latin America. Some scientists, a businessman hoping to sell the “half man, half sea serpent” as a circus attraction and a native guide set out to find and capture it. The creature (a result of atomic radiation, maybe) kills by wrapping its tentacle arms around its victims. This ridiculous (and infamous) horror movie is mostly mind-numbing time-wasting and it isn’t even that laughable, but it is worth sitting through for the Octaman monster costume (containing Buck Kartalian) co-designed by Rick Baker. Jeff Morrow (THIS ISLAND EARTH) appears briefly, there’s a very fast day-to-night transformation and the ending is abrupt and awful. Essential viewing for masochistic bad movie fans. With Kerwin Mathews and Reed Morgan. Essex is most famous for writing CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and also made THE CREMATORS.

OCTOPUS (2000 US) D: JOHN EYRES W: MICHAEL D. WEISS W/P: BOAZ DAVIDSON P: DAVID VAROD/ DANNY LERNER A reluctant hero CIA agent catches a terrorist in Bulgaria and has to transport him to the States on-board a submarine. It’s attacked by an uninspired and barely seen computer FX giant mutant octopus. There’s also a subplot about terrorists on a cruise ship, and it’s all connected back to the Cuban missile crisis of the 60s. It doesn’t work as suspense action and most definitely does not work as a monster movie. In short, a waste of time.

OCTOPUS 2 (octopus in new york) (2001 US) D: YOSSI WEIN W: MICHAEL WEISS W/P: DANNY LERNER/ BOAZ DAVIDSON/DAVID VAROD This is awful. It almost makes the original look good. A giant octo menaces Manhattan Bay on the eve of the July 4 celebrations. Some cop and a woman working for the mayor’s office try to alert the public. The (very unconvincing) monster never actually attacks the city, but does climb the statue of liberty in a dream sequence. The ludicrous ending more-or-less forgets about the monster and we get a condensed copy of the hit DAYLIGHT as some disabled kids (they look all right to me) from all over the world (they all sound American to me) cower in a minibus as an underground tunnel lets in water. There’s some ill-fitting stock footage thrown in at the last-minute as if it wasn’t bad enough already. Leave well alone.

OCTOPUS IN NEW YORK See: OCTOPUS 2

OCTOPUSSY (1983 UK) D: JOHN GLEN W: GEORGE MACDONALD FRASER/RICHARD MAIBAUM/MICHAEL G. WILSON P: ALBERT R. BROCCOLI Roger Moore goes to India to say things like “should keep you in curry for a few weeks” in this weak James Bond adventure. Louis Jordan and Steven Berkoff (in the later scenes in Russia) are the villains. The plot concerns fake faberge eggs and nuclear bombs. With Kabir Bedi, Lois Maxwell and Desmond Llewelyn, Robert Brown, Walter Gotell, Geoffrey Keen, Bruce Boa, Patrick Barr, Euegene Lipinski and the voice of Ingrid Pitt. Sean Connery was in NEVER SAY, NEVER AGAIN the same year.

THE ODD COUPLE (eternal conflict; bok meng daan ding duet meng cheung; bo ming chan dao duo ming chuang) (1979 HK) D: LAU KAR WING W: WONG PAAK MING/LAI WAI MAN P: KARL MAKA In one of the best kung fu comedies ever made, Sammo Hung (sporting a long thin white beard) is the master of the sword and director Wing (aka Bruce Law) is a master spearman. The old rivals meet once a decade to find out whose weaponry skills are the best. It always ends in a draw, so they train a pupil each to continue the conflict. Hung plays Wing’s protégé and vice versa. The mixture of ridiculous non-stop comedy (including a disgusting looking gag with raw eggs) and truly incredible martial arts make it a must see for fans of the genre. The Sammo Hung action group (including Jackie Chan) choreographed the action. With Mars, Billy Chan, Chung Faat, producer Maka, Dean Shek, Leung Kar Yan, Ho Pak Kwong, Lee Hoi Sang, Peter Chan Lung, Lam Ching Ying, Huang Ha, Yuen Miu, Yuen Biao and To Siu Ming.

ODEON See: ALIEN FROM LA

ODYSSEY 2001 See: EPOCH

OF COOKS AND KUNG FU (fists of vengeance; duel of the dragons; tao tie gong) (1979 HK) D: TING CHUNG W: SZETO MAN P: TING PAO SUNG/ WONG JING (?) Jacky Chen (Chan Siu Lung, who also choreographed) stars as a young man learning “cooking style” kung fu from his grandfather. When grandad says something like “sweet and sour pork”, he busts a move. Chen must train (using split bamboo) to avenge the death of his parents at the hands of a mysterious killer offing all who cooked for the emperor in the past. It’s nothing special, but there’s plenty of good fight action in this enjoyable revenge romp from the director of MAR’S VILLA. With Lee Kwan, Suen Yuet, Lee Goon Cheung, Au Lap Bo, Wu Ma, Chui Chung Hei, Cheung Yee Kwai, Ho Wai Hung and music lifted from JAWS.

OF DEATH AND LOVE See: DELLAMORTE DELLAMORE

OFFICE KILLER (1996 US) D/W: CINDY SHERMAN W: ELISE MACADAM/TOM KALIN P: CHRISTINE VACHON/ PAMELA KOFFLER Carol Kane is great as a timid and weird office worker for a magazine who starts killing obnoxious co-workers after she’s semidemoted. She takes the bodies home and watches tv with them in the basement. She also looks after her crippled mother and has flashbacks to her abusive dad (a sleazy looking Eric Bogosian). Molly Ringwald is good as a bitchy co-worker and Jeanne Tripplehorn co-stars as an embezzler. OFFICE KILLER did little business and slipped out pretty much unnoticed, but is a fun black comedy with surprisingly macabre moments and a spot on recreation of petty office politics. With Michael Imperioli and David Thornton. Scenes with Ben Affleck were deleted. Todd Haynes wrote some additional dialogue. Sherman is famous for her art photography.

OFFICE LADY JOURNAL: WET BUNDLE (ol nikki: nureta satsutaba) (1973 JPN) D: AKIRA KATO A bored bank clerk (Aoi Nakajima) embezzles cash for her taxi driver fuck buddy (Tatsuya Hamaguchi), so he can buy his own truck. But he gambles it away and she keeps getting him more until the cad gets bored and dumps her. The police catch up with her after she attempts a simple life shacked-up with a labourer. Competent storytelling, but one of the least interesting in the series (the third), and the sex scenes must have disappointed Japanese raincoaters. With Moeko Enzawa and Akira Takahashi. Apparently based on a true story. The first two were (the better) OLJ: SCENT OF A FEMALE CAT and OLJ: AFFAIR OF A FEMALE CAT (both 1972). It was followed by four more up to 77.

OFFICE SPACE (1999 US) D/W/P: MIKE JUDGE W: DANIEL RAPPAPORT/MICHAEL ROTTENBERG Ron Livingston is a stressed, unhappy employee at a software firm who hates his boss Gary Cole (who’s excellent). When a therapy session goes wrong (or right), he relaxes, stops caring, doesn’t turn up for work, and ends up being promoted at a time of mass redundancy. He hatches a plan with fellow disgruntled co-workers to rip-off the company and gets a nice new girlfriend (Jennifer Aniston) to watch kung fu with. Like Judge’s excellent animated tv series King Of The Hill, the sharp, intelligent humour at work here is insightful and fully dimensional without the need for convolution. With Ajay Naidu, Richard Riehle, Alexandra Wentworth, John C. McGinley, Diedrich Bader, Orlando Jones and Judge himself in a cameo. Recommended.

OFF LIMITS See: SAIGON

OF FREAKS AND MEN (pro urodov I lyudej) (1998 RUS) D/W: ALEKSEI BALABANOV P: OLEG BOTOGOV/ SERGEI SELYANOV Unique sepia-toned look at fetish photography and filmmaking during turn of the century (urban) Russia. Sergei Makovetsky is the murdering deadpan pioneer who films naked women (including Dinara Drukarova) and Siamese twin boys being whipped by an elderly nanny. Sergei Astakhov’s photography is reason alone to watch this fascinating oddity. With Viktor Sukhorukov, Anzhelika Nevolina, Yuri Golstev and one of the most memorable final images in cinema.

THE OFFSPRING (1985) See: FROM A WHISPER TO A SCREAM

OFFSPRING (2008 US) D: ANDREW van den HOUTEN W: JACK KETCHUM P: WILLIAM M. MILLER The script is a little vague and nondescript (or bewilderingly simple), but basically a small tribe of throwback savages descend on those living in the wilds of Michigan, and eat them. Art Hindle is a retired cop helping to track them down. As I said, the storytelling lacks focus and this is no classic, but it’s proper, full-blooded, serious horror with a nice, nasty edge in keeping with Ketchum’s writing (it’s based on his novel). Parts reminded me of THE HILLS HAVE EYES and DEATH LINE, and one can imagine it tearing up a grindhouse a quarter of a century previous. Both Houten and Ketchum have parts, and there’s an obscure reference to the Elvis western FLAMING STAR (!). Followed by THE WOMAN (2011).

OFF THE MARK See: CRAZY LEGS

OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN (mad house) (1983 CAN US) D: GEORGE P. COSMATOS W: BRIAN TAGGERT P: CLAUDE HEROUX Peter Weller is an up’n’coming executive at a business law firm, proud of his selfrenovated East Side Manhattan Brownstone home (it was actually shot in Montreal). When his wife (Playboy’s Shannon Tweed, in her debut feature) and son are away, he notices a rat in his house. Unable to concentrate on an important merger at work, he’s driven to distraction by the smart rodent who will not die. Things escalate, and the demented Weller destroys his home to get at the big, vicious beast. Not only a good, paranoid monster movie, it has a surprisingly good script (Taggert also wrote VISITING HOURS), with often funny dialogue (including a fine anti-rat monologue from Weller at a dinner party). It’s based on Chauncey G. Parker III’s novel The Visitor. With Maury Chaykin, Lawrence Dale and Kenneth Walsh. Pierre David was the executive producer. The Italian-born director (who died in 2005) went on to RAMBO and COBRA next. Weller became BUCKAROO BANZAI.

THE OGRE (demons 3; la casa dell’orco) (1987 ITL) D/W/P: LAMBERTO BAVA W: DARDANO SACCHETTI An American horror novelist and her husband and little boy vacation at a villa in Milan that the locals are reluctant to talk about. Some freaky stuff happens, no one believes her when it eventually turns out there’s some kind of mutant in the cellar. Lifeless made-for-tv horror bore doesn’t even have any gore for Eurotrash fans. It was promoted as a DEMONS sequel in some territories. With Sabrina Ferilli.

OH, CHARLIE See: HOLD THAT GHOST

OILY MANIAC (you gui zi) (1976 HK) D: HO MENGHUA W: CHUA LAM P: SIR RUN RUN SHAW Ku Feng accidentally kills a thug threatening his coconut oil grove, and is given the death sentence. Polio-crippled friend Danny Lee vows to look after his surviving daughter (Chan Ping, who has a topless scene), but is infuriated by his own useless body. Using a Shaman’s tattoo on Feng’s back, he digs a hole and sits in it and chants until boiling oil rises over his head. He emerges as a slimy, blobby oil-covered beast. Because his day job is at a lawyer’s firm, he has inside leads on which injustices to avenge. Wang Hsieh is his attorney boss who cons one woman who had hideous breast surgery performed. Lily Li Li-Li is the nice girl who works at the office and loves him, but he pines for the uninterested Ping, and really loses it when she’s raped and commits suicide. The chant is not necessary for each transformation it seems. At one point he just wanders past a gas station and sprays himself with the oil pump! The creature can also travel as an animated stain, and in the climax his head grows back after being cut off. This fun, old-fashioned yet unique monster movie was shot in Malaysia (which has its own rich urban mythology of an oily rapist and intruder. There are indeed some films that will have to be tracked down for volume two of this book). Parts of Frankie Chan’s score rip-off John Williams’ one for JAWS. With Tung Lam, LEWD LIZARD (1985) director Wai Wang, Lau Wai-Ling, Angela Yu Chien, Lau Wai-Yue, Gam Gwai, Keung Hon, Cheung Chok-Chow, Lam Man-Wai, Wang Han-Chen, Yuen Cheung-Yan, Lee Chiu, Wong Mei, Wong Pau-Gei, Yuen Woo-Ping, Corey Yuen-Kwai, Lau Jun-Fai, Tino Wong, Alan Chui Cheung-San, Hsu Hsia, Cui Fat and Yen Shi-Kwan. The director’s very different BLACK MAGIC II is from the same year.

O.K. CONNERY See: OPERATION DOUBLE 007

OLDBOY (2003 S.KOR) D/W: CHAN-WOOK PARK W: JO-YUN HWANG/CHUN HYENG LIM P: SEUNGYONG LIM Min-sik Choi is kidnapped and locked in a single room for 15 years. He’s gassed to sleep every night and drugs in his food cause him to hallucinate. The tv in his room becomes his only companion, through which he learns of his wife’s death and his daughter’s adoption. He’s eventually released and given a cell phone which his captor uses to taunt him and supply clues to the mystery. To reveal any more would spoil the surprises that can be found in this engrossing top-notch thriller adapted from a Japanese comic book by Garon Tsuchiya and Minegishi Nobuaki (itself somewhat inspired by ANGEL HEART, perhaps?). With Ji-tae Yu, Hye-jeong Kang and Dae-han Ji. Parts were filmed in New Zealand, Pusan and Seoul. Chan-wook Park had previously made JOINT SECURITY AREA and SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE. Spike Lee remade OLDBOY in 2013.

THE OLD DARK HOUSE (1932 US) D: JAMES WHALE W: BENN W. LEVY/R.C. SHERIFF P: CARL LAEMMLE JR. Charles Laughton, Melvyn Douglas, Raymond Massey and Gloria Stuart are among the unwelcome guests at a remote old mansion (without electricity) in the Welsh mountains after bad weather (and a landslide) forces them to seek shelter there. Boris Karloff is the savage mute butler to the very strange and eccentric brother and sister who live there. Skeletons in the family closet don’t stay secret for very long in this b/w Universal classic that faultlessly delivers chills and comedy at just the right pace and pitch. With “John” Elspeth Dudgeon. Based on J.B. Priestley’s novel Benighted, it’s the (rarely matched) horror-comedy template, and a sly parody of the mystery canon that includes SEVEN KEYS TO BALDPATE, THE CAT AND THE CANARY, THE BAT etc. Remade in 1963.

THE OLD DARK HOUSE (1963 UK) D/P: WILLIAM CASTLE W: ROBERT DILLON Gimmick-meister Castle’s remake for Hammer studios is based on the same novel as the 1932 James Whale classic but couldn’t be more different. An American car salesman in London (Tom Poston) is invited to his flatmate’s ancestral home in Dartmoor. The eccentric family there (headed by Robert Morley) stay in the crumbling old mansion because the rules of a will (for a large fortune) dictate so. Someone in the house is trying to kill off the others to get a bigger piece of the pie. The comedy is much more broad and heavy handed than in the original, and if compared to the Universal original would be considered a failure. But if taken on it’s own terms (with a different title I doubt anyone would actually make the connection) it’s a lesser but enjoyable slice of Castle (who also made 13 FRIGHTENED GIRLS the same year).

OL’ DIRTY & THE KUNG FU See: MAD MAD KUNG FU

OLDMAN Z See: ROUJIN Z

OLD MOTHER RILEY MEETS THE VAMPIRE (my son, the vampire; vampire over london) (1952 UK) D/P: JOHN GILLING W: VAL VALENTIN Popular British music hall comedian Arthur Lucan played Old Mother Riley in drag in a series of 15 movies from 1937 onwards. This is the last of them and co-stars Bela Lugosi, who needed the airfare to get back to the States when he was left stranded in London! Bela plays the criminal who sleeps in a coffin and believes himself to be a vampire, but more cool than that is a menacing giant robot he creates with a flashing light atop it’s head. Lucan (who’s called a “fag end” and says things like “put that in your smoke and pipe it”) is not funny, but this surprisingly atmospheric mystery comedy is worth the watch. And vintage British movie fans should get a kick out of the supporting cast. With Dora Bryan, Ian Wilson, Richard Wattis, Hattie Jacques, John Le Mesurier, Charles Lloyd-Pack, Dandy Nichols, Bill Shine, Cyril Smith and Laurence Naismith. Bela did finally get back to the US, and later that year was in BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA. But no one saw him in this in America until 1963, after he’d died.

THE OLD TEMPLE See: PURANA MANDIR

OLGA’S DANCE HALL GIRLS (1966 US) This doesn’t really have anything to do with the OLGA series, and Audrey Campbell isn’t in it, but I guess it’s entertaining enough for nondiscriminatory fans of 60s adult fare. A man narrates something about superstition while hooded figures crowd around a woman on an altar. Suddenly the narration switches to a woman who tells us all about Olga’s “dance hall” hostess service (in what looks like a normal room) that turns into an orgy of sex and catfights. Olga’s partner is the slimy looking Nick (or Vince) who helps recruit and seduce girls. At the end, we find out it’s all a front for a coven of witches (opening scene). In b/w, with Uta Erickson and little sense.

OLGA’S GIRLS (1964 US) D/W: “JOSEPH P. MAWRA” (JOSÉ PRIETO) P: GEORGE WEISS This is the middle entry of the classic b/w Olga trilogy (coming after WHITE SLAVES OF CHINATOWN). Olga (Audrey Campbell) has a new organisation, pushing drugs for “the syndicate” (including Weiss as a doctor) with the help of girls “hooked on big H”. In (brief) scenes that must have had mid-60s closet sadists cream their jeans, the women are chained in cells and made to eat from bowls on the floor. The plot involves a police informer, a revolt against Olga and her subsequent, delicious return to power. Torture devices include a make-shift electric chair, and some kind of spiked board tightened across the abdomen. One girl is even dismembered (in silhouette), with the parts chucked in a furnace! If Olga’s not narrating, then it’s “Perry Peters” (John Holt, who directed KARATE, THE HAND OF DEATH in 1961), or Mussorgsky’s Night On Bald Mountain is heard over and over again (apart from during pot party scenes). With Darlene Bennett. If you’ve not yet got into the (addictive) nature of these cheap and sleazy NYC roughies, here’s a great place to start.

OLGA’S HOUSE OF SHAME (36 hours of terror; house of shame) (1964 US) D/W: “JOSEPH P. MAWRA” (José PRIETO) W/P: GEORGE WEISS More of the same ahead-of-its-time torture and humiliation in this third b/w Olga movie. Olga (the evil looking Audrey Campbell) and her brother Nick try to branch out into jewel smuggling while running a drug and prostitution ring from a deserted ore mine. In one scene, a hot soldering iron is pressed into a girl’s cleavage! It’s available as a Frank Henenlotter Sexy Shocker from Something Weird.

OLIVIA See: DOUBLE JEOPARDY

THE OMEGA CODE (code zero) (1999 US) D: ROB MARCARELLI W: STEPHEN BLINN P: MATTHEW CROUCH Casper Van Dien (who has visions) is some kind of international celebrity scientist who unwittingly helps crooked rich messiah wannabe Michael York, who’s using a secret code found in the Bible. York follows the code (which is said to prophesize the future) like a blueprint, preempting both good and bad world events. Michael Ironside is his henchman. With Catheroine Oxenberg, Jan Triska, Devon Odessa, William Hootkins, Robert Ito, Yehuda Efroni and Liron Levo. Useless conspiracy thriller wastes a nice premise. You might want to see Ironside dressed as a rabbi, though. And what the fuck’s with the ending? MEGIDDO (2001) followed.

THE OMEGA DIARY (cube iq: hazard) (1997 US) D/W/P: BENJAMIN COOPER Five men (including a crazed ’nam vet) and a woman at the beach hole-up in a two-room bomb shelter after they hear radio reports of a nuclear attack. This very cheap looking bore is an awful attempt at a claustrophobic thriller and features bad acting and an obvious toy car crash. There’s a stupid surprise ending too. It’s based on a story by James Alan Cooper. Director Cooper was also cinematographer.

THE OMEGA MAN (1971 US) D: BORIS SAGAL W: JOHN WILLIAM CORRINGTON/JOYCE H. CORRINGTON P: WALTER SELTZER Richard Matheson’s I Am Legend had already been filmed as THE LAST MAN ON EARTH. This version stars Charlton Heston as the last human on Earth who watches WOODSTOCK (1970) repeatedly at a theatre by day and defends himself against albino vampires led by Anthony Zerbe by night. The deserted LA locations are interesting, but this is not a very good film. With Paul Koslo, Lincoln Kilpatrick and Rosalind Cash. I AM LEGEND (2007) was a major Will Smith vehicle that also couldn’t beat Vincent Price at his finest.

THE OMEN (1976 UK) D: RICHARD DONNER W: DAVID SELTZER P: HARVEY BERNHARD Gregory Peck is an ambassador whose wife has a miscarriage, so he secretly adopts a child. Little Damien turns out to be the son of Satan who can cause violent deaths in this hit big-budget horror movie. Lee Remick is the unknowing stepmother to evil incarnate, Patrick Troughton turns up as a babbling priest and David Warner lands himself a place in the all-time best decapitation scene nominations. It’s not actually a very good film, though. With Billie Whitelaw, Leo McKern, Martin Benson, Bruce Boa and Nicholas Campbell. DAMIEN: OMEN 2 followed. There was a pointless remake in 2006.

OMEN 4: THE AWAKENING (1991 CAN) D: JORGE MONTESI/DOMINIQUE OTHENIN-GIRARD W: BRIAN TAGGERT W/P: HARVEY BERNHARD There’s a little female antichrist this time, adopted from an orphanage by a congressman and his wife. This tv movie which includes a trip to a psychic fair is a big snooze. With Michael Lerner, Don S. Davis, Duncan Fraser, Serge Houde and Tom Heaton. Original director Othenin-Girard was replaced midway through after he quit.

ON AIR See: PONTYPOOL

ONCE BITTEN (1985 US) D: HOWARD STORM W: DAVID HINES/JEFFREY HAUSE/JONATHAN ROBERTS W/P: DIMITRI VILLARD P: ROBBY WALD/FRANK E. HILDEBRAND Typically dumb 80s comedy stars Jim Carrey as a virgin teen bitten by Hollywood vampire Lauren Hutton. Cleavon Little is her camp, gay assistant. This is considered the skeleton in Carrey’s closet, but he acted just as dumb in later hits like ACE VENTURA (that made him a star).

ONCE UPON A CHINESE HERO See: KICK BOXER

ONCE UPON A FRIGHTMARE See: FRIGHTMARE

ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA (c’era una volta in america) (1983 US ITL) D/W: SERGIO LEONE W: LEONARDO BENVENUTI/PIERO DE BERNARDI/ ENRICO MEDIOLI/FRANCO ARCALI/FRANCO FERRINI/ ERNESTO GASTALDI (uncredited) P: ARNON MILCHAN Fragmented, nonlinear and dreamlike gangster epic (running almost four hours) spans five decades. Four Jewish street hoodlums from Brooklyn rise through the ranks of crime during Prohibition. Harry Grey’s excellent, undervalued semi-autobiographical novel The Hoods forms the thematic backbone, but Leone very much spins his own yarn around it. It deserves to be recognised along with the likes of THE GODFATHER and GOODFELLAS as a true classic of its kind. Robert DeNiro, James Woods, William Forsythe and James Hayden (who died from a heroin overdose the same year) are the adult stars, played by Scott Schutzman Tiler, Rusty Jacobs, Brian Bloom (who features in my favourite scene involving a cake) and Adrien Curran as kids. With Elizabeth McGovern, Treat Williams, Tuesday Weld, Joe Pesci, Burt Young (who’s excellent), Danny Aiello, Darlanne Fluegel, Richard Bright, Mario Brega, James Russo, a very young Jennifer Connelly in her debut before starring in PHENOMENA and Milchan. Music by Ennio Morricone, shot by Tonino Delli Colli. Leone never made another film. He died in 1989, and his proposed “Once Upon A Time In Russia” never got off the ground. Another Harry Grey book was the basis for 1961’s PORTRAIT OF A MOBSTER, which starred Vic Morrow as Dutch Schulz.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA (wong fei hung; huang fei hong) (1991 HK) D/W/P: TSUI HARK W: YUEN GAI CHI/LEUNG YIU MING/ELSA TUNG Jet Li is perfect as legendary folk hero Dr. Wong Fei Hung in this superior, political kung fu epic based in the 1870s. The plot revolves around a small war between foreign aggressors and violent patriots. Full of historical detail, amazing choreography by Lau Kar Wing, Yuen Shun Yi and Yuen Cheung Yan (check out the ladder duel) and likeable characters (like Rosamund Kwan as Aunt Yee), this should entertain new and old kung fu fans alike. With Yuen Biao, Kent Cheung, Jacky Cheung, Wu Ma, Lau Shun, Yen Shi Kwan, Yuen Cheung Yan, Karl Wung, Yuen Chun Yi and Sham Bo.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA 2 (wong fei hung ji yee laam ngai dung chi hieung; huang fei hong zhi er nan er dang zi yiang) (1992 HK) D/W/P: TSUI HARK W: CHAN TIN SUEN/CHARCOAL TAN P: NG SEE YUEN There’s less acrobatic wirework and martial arts, and more comedy in this first sequel. But it’s still a cracking entry that’s almost on a par with the original. Some fans prefer it. Li and Kwan return en route to a medical convention and there’s more political soap-boxing from Hark. A pole fight between Li and Donnie Yen is the action highlight. With Max Mok, David Chiang, Yen Shi-Kwan and William Ho Ka Kui. Yuen Woo Ping was the choreographer.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA 3 (wong fei hung ji saam shut wong chang ba; huang fei hong zhi san shi wang zheng ba) (1993 HK) D/W/P: TSUI HARK W: CHARCOAL TAN Li, Kwan and Mok return to fight evil and racism again. This entry is a step down from the first two but does feature the usual impressive kung fu and wirework and is well worth your time. The plot involves the first film camera in China. With Lau Shun and choreography from Yuen Tak. Li would not return to the series until part six (ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA AND AMERICA) and Kwan and Hark skipped the fourth one.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA 4 (wong fei hung ji sei wong che ji fung; huang fei hong shi si wang she shi feng) (1993 HK) D; YUEN BUN W/P: TSUI HARK W; ELSA TANG BIK-YIN P: NG SEE YUEN This entry from a different director (and with a different star) has Wong Fei Hung (Lao Wen Zhiou) battling racism and the German army during an international lion dancing tournament. There’s some good kung fu and wirework, but this entry is lame compared to the first three. The replacement for Aunt Yee is no Rosamund Kwan. With Max Mok, Billy Chow and Chin Kar Lok. Jet Li’s unofficial sequel LAST HERO IN CHINA (from the same year) does a better job with the lion dancing element.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA 5 (1993) See: IRON MONKEY (1993)

ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA 5 (wong fei hung jing lung shia chim ba; huang fei hong zhi wu long cheng jian ba) (1994 HK) D/W/P: TSUI HARK W: LAM KEE-TO/LAU DAAI MUK The worst entry in the series attempts to work on the same ground the original did, as Fei Hung (Zhao Wen Zhiou again) fights pirates (who have a big chest full of severed fingers). Rosamund Kwan returns as Aunt Yee and Mok, Lam Shau and Yan Yan are here. With Kent Cheung (also in the original), Stephen Tung Wai and Deon Lam Dik-On. The (lacklustre) choreography is from Yuen Bun, It’s very, very boring. Jet Li returned for ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA AND AMERICA.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA 6 See: BURNING PARADISE

ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA AND AMERICA (won fei hung ji sai wik hung shut; huang fei hong zhi xi xiong shi) (1997 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG W: SZETO CHEUK-HON/SHUT MEI YEE/SO MAN SING/SHARON HUI SA LONG P: TSUI HARK Jet Li returns in this entertaining entry that’s no classic, but superior to parts four and five. Wong Fei Hung and Co travel to the wild west and meet Billy the Kid. Pretty much snubbed by genre fans, it features impressive kung fu and wirework if nothing else. And is a lot more fun than SHANGHAI NOON. With Rosamund Kwan, Patrick Lung Kong and Richard Ng.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST (c’era una volta il west) (1967 ITL US) D/W: SERGIO LEONE W: SERGIO DONATI/BERNARDO BERTOLUCCI/DARIO ARGENTO P: BINO CICOGNA Charles Bronson stars as the vengeful gunfighter in this amazing western, the pinnacle of Leone’s career. It copies JOHNNY GUITAR (among others), but is (or at least was until it was copied so much) a unique classic. Don’t bother with the shortened versions, you want that great opening waiting-for-the-train scene in its entirety. Ennio Morricone provides the score of his life for this must-see that belongs in the handful of truly essential movies. With Henry Fonda, Jason Robards, Claudia Cardinale, Lionel Stander, Keenan Wynn, Frank Wolff, Woody Strode, Jack Elam, Gabriele Ferzetti, Paolo Stoppa, Frank Brana, Bruno Corazzari, Antonio Molino Rojo, Aldo Sambrell, Conrado San Martin, Giovanni Ivan Scratuglia, Benito Stefanelli and Fabio Testi. Leone followed up with ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA in 1984.

ON DEADLY GROUND (1994 US) D/P: STEVEN SEAGAL W: ED HOROWITZ/ROBIN V. RUSSIN P: JULIUS R. NASSO/A. KITMAN HO Steven Seagal’s directorial debut (and his first box office flop) is an egotistical BILLY JACK-style action movie that you may enjoy. He’s an eco-warrior in Alaska who goes up against evil oil company head Michael Caine (who seems to be enjoying himself) and has “meaningful” dialogue. With Joan Chen, John C. McGinely, R. Lee Ermey, Billy Bob Thornton, Mike Starr, Shari Shattuck, Sven-Ole Thorsen and Irvin Kershner.

THE ONE (2001 US) D/W/P: JAMES WONG W/P: GLEN MORGAN P: STEVEN CHASMAN/CHARLES NEWIRTH Apparently we live in a “multiverse”, and our dimension is only one of many parallel alternatives. Every person is connected to their parallel selves by an energy line. Jet Li is a dimension hopping villain killing off his parallel clones so he can inherit all the energy and become godlike. Everytime he kills one the energy divides between the Lis who are left. So the last good Li and evil Li have superhuman powers while fighting it out in LA. Delroy Lindo and Jason Statham (whose American accent is pretty dodgy) are multiverse agents out to stop the evil Li from destroying the balance of the universe. Occasionally laughable action sci-fi is fastpaced, action-packed, has lots of awesome FX and doesn’t outstay its welcome at under 90 mins. The fight choreography (including a Li vs Li face-off) is by Cory Yuen Kwai. With Carla Gugino, Dylan Bruno, Harriet Sansom, Dean Norris, and Kim McKamy (who does porno as Ashlyn Gere). From the director of FINAL DESTINATION.

ONE ARM CHIVALRY FIGHTS AGAINST ONE ARM CHIVALRY See: POINT THE FINGER OF DEATH

THE ONE-ARMED BOXER (the chinese professionals; duk bei kuen wong; du bei quan wang) (1971 HK) D/W: JIMMY WANG YU P: RAYMOND CHOW Wang Yu is the title character in one of the best kung fu films ever made. An evil gang run by Lung Fei (with pointy teeth) challenges his martial arts school. Fei’s minions have many bizarre styles, but I like the Indian who walks on his hands best. Eventually Fei slices off Yu’s arm with one chop (!), so Wang goes into serious training to turn the other arm into steel. He burns it until all the nerves are dead and strengthens it by repeatedly dropping a large rock onto it! Dynamite is used in the exciting revenge climax. Don’t miss it! With Tien Yeh, Blacky Ko, Choi Wong, Shan Mao, O Yau Man, Sit Hon, Ma Kei, Wong Wing Sam, Su Chen Ping, Cheung Yee Kwan, Man Man, Hsieh Hsing, Wong Fei Lung and Cheh Shih Wei (also the choreographer). Wang Yu (who in the previous decade had been THE ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN) returned with the even wilder ONE ARMED BOXER 2 (aka MASTER OF THE FLYING GUILLOTINE).

ONE ARMED BOXER 2 (master of the flying guillotine; duk bei kuen wong daai poh huet dik ji; du bei quan wang da po xie di zi) (1976 HK) D/W: JIMMY WANG YU P: WONG CHEUK HON This crazy sequel to the classic ONE ARMED BOXER is further proof that Wang Yu is one of the most underrated filmmakers (kung fu or otherwise) of all time. A blind master of the flying guillotine (Kam Kong) searches for the one-armed Wang Yu while decapitating men (and chickens) left, right and centre (“I shall kill every one-armed man I see”). He finally tracks him down to a wild kung fu tournament where you can see an Indian fighter with extending arms and many other wonders. The unusual soundtrack (all stolen krautrock classics) tops off a thoroughly satisfying offbeat treat. With Doris Lung, Sham Chin Bo, Lung Fei, Sit Hon, Lau Kar Wing, Wong Fei Lung, Chui Chung Hei, Shan Mau, Shih Ting Ken, Wang Tai Lang, Jack Long, Jimmy Lee, Philip Kwok, Wong Lik, Robert Tai, Ma Chin Hu, Su Chen Ping, Cheung Yee Kwai, Au Lap Bo, Wong Chi Sang and (I think) Wilson Tong. The choreography was provided by Liu Chia Liang and Lau Kar Wing. Show a ONE ARMED BOXER double bill to your mates, and if they don’t like ’em… kill them! By the way, if anyone has a flying guillotine for sale, drop me a line.

THE ONE ARMED EXECUTIONER (1983 PHI) D/W/P: BOBBY A. SUAREZ W: RAY HAMILTON P: REY SANTOS A renegade Interpol agent (Franco Guerrero) learns martial arts and how to handle a gun so he can take revenge on the drug smugglers who killed his wife and chopped off his arm. Despite the subject matter, and a dwarf being drowned in the opening scene, this is pretty tepid and disappointing.

ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN (duk bei diy; du bei dao) (1967 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW During the latter half of the 60s, director Chang (and frequent collaborator Kuang) made a series of modern kung fu films for Shaw Bros that really brought the form up-to-date. And before anyone had heard of Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan, Wang Yu was the star who packed them into theatres. This production is important to martial arts movie fans because it was the first time that Wang Yu tried out his much duplicated one-arm persona. After having one arm sliced off, he must learn to fight with the other. Unfortunately, in terms of choreography (by liu Chia Liang and Tang Chia) and entertainment, the film has dated badly. And the stilted fight sequences are lost amidst a sea of melodrama. Not to be disregarded, but difficult to enjoy. With Chiao Chiao, Tin Fung, Ku Feng, Wong Chung Shun, Liu Chia Liang, Yeung Chi Hung, Mars, Fan Mei Sheng, Tang Chia, Wong Kwong Yue, Cliff Lok, Kok Lee Yan, Yen Shi Kwan, Yuen Cheung Yan, Yuen Woo Ping and Chan Chuen. RETURN OF THE ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN followed. Wang Yu later directed himself in the incredible ONE ARMED BOXER movies and (with two arms) the excellent THE CHINESE BOXER.

ONE ARMED SWORDSMEN See: THE ONE ARM SWORDSMEN

THE ONE ARM SWORDSMEN (one armed swordsmen; duk bei seung hung; du bei shuang xiong) (1976 HK) D: WANG YU/DAVID CHIANG W: KU LUNG P: HUANG FENG One-armed Lo Lieh is trying to solve the murder of a lawman by a one-armed jewel thief. One armed Wang Yu (ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN) and one-armed David Chiang (NEW ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN) are the chief suspects who duel for their innocence. Decent kung fu mystery benefits from a fun cast and the unique teaming of so many one-armed sword fighters. With Chang Yi, Lung Fei, Chui Chung Hei, Han Ying Chieh, Wong Wing Sang and Got Siu Bo.

ONE BODY TOO MANY (1944 US) D: FRANK McDONALD W: WINSTON MILLER/MAXWELL SHANE P: WILLIAM PINE/WILLIAM THOMAS Insurance salesman Jack Haley (acting a little like Don Knotts) is called out to the estate of a millionaire who’s just died. After much confusion he’s chosen to guard the body before it’s buried in a glass-top coffin and the will is read. Selfish and/or uncaring relatives (apart from nice girl niece Jean Parker) are all suspected of moving the body around and trying to change the will in their favour. Butler Bela Lugosi keeps offering coffee. William Edmunds runs an observatory. This mystery comedy isn’t really very funny, but a watchable time-filler. With Lyle Talbot, Douglas Fowley, Lucien Littlefield, Dorothy Grainger, Fay Helm, Maxine Fife and Bob Reeves.

ON EDGE (1998 UK) D/W: FRAZER LEE P: JOSEPH ALBERTI Neat little 15 mins short has impatient Charley Boorman at a dentist’s office ending up under the care of sinister white-coater Doug Bradley (most famous for being Pinhead in the HELLRAISER films). It’s pretty obvious all is not what it seems, but the ending pays off like a good horror anthology episode. Based on a novel by Christopher Fowler. Lee and Bradley also made another short called RED LINES (2002).

ONE DOLLAR TOO MANY (I came, I saw, I shot; I tre sconvolsero il west; vado, veda, espara; vado, vedo e sparo; llego, veo, disparo) (1968 ITL SPN) D: ENZO G. CASTELLARI W: AUGUSTO FINOCCHI/ENRIQUE LLOVET/ VITTORIO METS/JOSÉ MARIA RODRIGUEZ P: DARIO SABATELLO Antonio Sabato, Frank Wolff and a moustachioed John Saxon are three rogues after the same loot in this cartoonish comedy western that is not funny, and certainly doesn’t work as a good western. Shame it was the only Eurowestern credit for Saxon. With Josefina Serratosa, José Maria Tasso, Luis Barboo, Pietro Ceccarelli, Vic Israel, Jesus Guzman, Giovanni Ivan Scratuglia and Maria Vico.

ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO (the revolver) (1982 US) D/W/P: FRED WILLIAMSON W: JEFF WILLIAMSON Richard Roundtree and Jim Kelly are cheated out of their winnings during a rigged karate tournament. Kelly (in his last starring role to date) is shot (he’s unconscious for most of the film) and his girlfriend raped (no one seems too bothered about that), so Jim Brown and Williamson are called in to collect. Tom Signorelli is the mobster villain and Joe Spinell appears briefly as a crooked promoter. Despite the fun cast this is a pretty dull Po’ Boy production. Williamson gives himself the role of a guy always surrounded by chicks of course.

ONE EYED JACKS (1961 US) D: MARLON BRANDO W: GUY TROSPER/CALDER WILLINGHAM P: FRANK P. ROSENBERG Brando’s sole directorial attempt is a solid (if overlong) western (based on Charles Neide’s novel The Authentic Death Of Hendry Jones), but is no better than a hundred others. He’s an outlaw who may or may not be seeking vengeance after his former partner Karl Malden deserted him to become Sheriff. It looks great (in VistaVision) and Timothy Carey (who Brando apparently physically attacked on the set) has a small part. With Katy Jurado, Ben Johnson, Slim Pickens, Henry Willis, Radolfo Acosta, Ray Teal, Philip Ahn, Hank Worden, “Snub” Pollard, William Forrest, Joe Dominguez and Elisha Cook Jr. The great character actor supporting cast blows away the self important Brando, whose acting is at a peak of self-consciousness here. It was remade in Turkey in 1965 as SONS OF THE MOUNTAINS.

ONE EYE FORCE See: 2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS

ONE FOOT CRANE (duk geuk gok; du jiao hao) (1979 TAI) D: “BOB YANG” (MO MAN HUNG) Orphan Lily Li grew up learning kung fu and swordplay so she could defend justice against the kind of men who killed her parents. There are some damn good fight scenes in this. So Kwok Leung and Ma Cheung were the choreographers. With Lo Lieh, Barry Chan, Choi Wang, Miu Tin, O Yau Man, Au Lap Bo, Li Min Lang and Kong Ching Ha. The video print I saw was English-dubbed with Korean subtitles. There were no credits in English. A Ground Zero dvd release has the very fake sounding director pseudonym credit on the box. The rest of the info is from HKMDb.

ONE FRIGHTENED NIGHT (1935 US) D: CHRISTY CABANNE W: WELLYN TOTMAN/STUART PALMER P: NAT LEVINE Charles Grapewin is a wealthy old man who summons relatives he doesn’t like to his mansion for the reading of his will. But which of them is attempting to kill the others off after the appearance of two women (Evalyn Knapp and Mary Carlisle), who claim to be his long-lost daughter, threatens their cut of the inheritance? This is basically just another in a long line of short b/w programmers with interchangeable plots, but it’s fun enough and I thought the horror mask that a caped figure creeps around in was really cool. With Regis Toomey, Wallace Ford, Rafaela Ottanio, Lucien Littlefield, Fred Kelsey, Arthur Hohl, Clarence H. Wilson, Adrian Morris and Hedda Hopper (before she became a notorious gossip columnist). Joseph H. Lewis (GUN CRAZY) was the editor. From serial specialists Mascot.

ONE HUNDRED MONSTERS See: HUNDRED MONSTERS

ONE JUST MAN See: SYNDICATE SADISTS

ONE MAN AND HIS PIG See: THE PIG FUCKING MOVIE

ONE MILLION B.C. (cave man; man and his mate; battle of the giants; the cave dwellers) (1940 US) D/P: HAL ROACH D: HAL ROACH JR. W: MICKELL NOVAK/ GEORGE BAKER/JOSEPH FRICKERT P: D.W. GRIFFITH (uncredited) Victor Mature (in his starring debut) is kicked out of his tribe by angry old Lon Chaney Jr. He’s taken in by a rival tribe, and falls for Carole Landis. The main selling-point of this badly dated prehistoric adventure are the dinosaur FX, real reptiles (including an armadillo at one point, but mostly lizards) modified and filmed against miniature sets. This footage was so effective in its day that it was recycled as stock footage in several features (including ROBOT MONSTER) for years, as late as the Turkish TARZAN THE MIGHTY in 1974! The story is introduced via a wraparound with explorers discovering some cave paintings, otherwise it plays like a silent movie. Griffith was not pleased with the Roachs direction, so quit the production midway through. With Conrad Nagel, Nigel De Brulier, Inez Palange, Harry Wilson, Edward Coxen, Ben Hall, Creighton Hale, Rosemary Theby, Robert Kent and Dick Simmons. Remade by Hammer as ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. The formula still has life in it, as the laughable recent 10,000 B.C. (2008) proves.

ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. (1966 UK) D: DON CHAFFEY W/P: MICHAEL CARRERAS Hammer remake of ONE MILLION B.C. Cavemen and cavewomen (including top-billed Raquel Welch) run about talking prehistoric gibberish while defending themselves against typically impressive Ray Harryhausen stop-motion dinosaurs (including pterodactyls and a tortoise). A real lizard and tarantula superimposed are less impressive. With Martine Beswick (mostly cut from the shorter US print), John Richardson and Percy Herbert. A volcano spoils their fun at the end. It’s partially narrated. Chaffey and Carreras later collaborated on CREATURES THE WORLD FORGOT (just cavemen, no monsters). More of its type from Hammer are WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH and PREHISTORIC WOMEN (1967).

ONE MISSED CALL (you’ve got a call; the call; chakushin ari) (2003 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: MINAKO TAIRA/YASASHI AKIMOTO P: KUROI KAZUO Victims of a ghostly cell phone chain mail curse receive messages from themselves at an appointed future date. They always get offed in violent ways when that time comes around. Ko Shibazaki and Shinnichi Tsutsumi investigate in this FINAL DESTINATION/ RING hybrid from a prolific director-for-hire known for his more audacious cult favourites. Begins as an unremarkable and derivative but engaging and audience-friendly spooker, but overextends itself with too many twists and an irritatingly ambiguous ending that jars with the preceding events. With Renji Ishibashi as a useless, disbelieving cop, Goro Kishitani and Yutaka Matsuhige. Akimoto (who came up with the original story) made LAST DROP OF BLOOD. Two lesser sequels and a crap 2007 remake followed (not to mention the endless direct-to-tv copies that flooded the video shelves in Japan).

ONE MISSED CALL 2 (chakushin ari 2) (2004 JPN) D: RENPEI TSUKAMOTO W: MINAKO OYOSHI P: NAOKI SATOO/YOICHI ARISHIGE Mimura stars as a kindergarten teacher with a limited amount of time to live after receiving one of the death calls (as explained in the first film). Yu Yoshizawa and Asaka Seto help Mimura track the traumatic murder behind the urban legend to Taiwan, and an old mine. A good example of a mindless prefab sequel with no rhyme or reason, and it’s not scary either. Renji Ishibashi returns as a detective, with Peter Ho and Haruko Wanibuchi.

ONE MISSED CALL: FINAL (chakushin ari: final) (2006 JPN S.KOR) D: MANABU ASAO W: MINAKO OIOSHI/JIROO MAKOTO P: YOIICHI ARISHIGE/AKIRA YAMAMOTO This time graduation students on a school trip to Korea start receiving the deadly messages on their cell phones. The twist is that they can send on the message once only, saving themselves from certain death, but condemning another. This nifty premise is ruined by not going all the way with violence and gore (it’s pretty tame stuff). On top of that, the backstory about some bullied classmate who attempted suicide is not only pat and stupid, but the film doesn’t even play by its own (or the series’) rules, just making it up as they go along. I didn’t expect a good movie, but they could have at least delivered trashy fun. Meisa Kuroki and Maki Horikita star, with Itsuji Itao as a mean teacher (his comedy team partner Honkon also makes an appearance), Jiro Hachimitsu and sexy idol Miho Amakawa as the first victim. A deaf mute Korean teen is an important character.

ONE ON TOP OF THE OTHER See: PERVERSION STORY

ONE SILVER DOLLAR (blood for a silver dollar; un dollaro bucato; le dollar troue) (1965 ITL FRA) D/W: “KELVIN JACKSON PADGET” (GIORGIO FERRONI) W: “GEORGE FINLEY” (GIORGIO STEGANI) “Montgomery Wood” (Giuliano Gemma) is a southerner in post-Civil War Yellowstone trying to set up a home for his wife (Ida Galli) to come and live. Prejudice and corruption result in him almost dying, assisting in the death of his best friend and the bad guys even try to turn his wife into a whore. But these events are woven into a pretty good script with some surprises, which makes this Eurowestern a pretty enjoyable, above average quickie. Screenwriter Ferroni was also the assistant director. With Pierre Cresoy, Andrea Scotti, Tullio Altamura, Nello Pazzafini, Franco Fantasia, Giuseppe Addabbati, Luigi Tosi, Alfredo Rizzo and Sal Borgese.

ONE TAKE ONLY (som and bank: bangkok for sale) (2001 THAI) D/W: OXIDE PANG P: UNCLE LEO/ UDOM PIBOON LAPUDOM Doomed street-level romance between a young guy who helps sell drugs (the same lead from Pang’s BANGKOK DANGEROUS) and his reluctant hooker girlfriend in Bangkok. Like DANGEROUS, this tells a well-worn and somewhat predictable story, but likeable characters, authentic atmosphere and irresistibly stylish visuals make it a good watch.

1,000 WAYS TO DIE See: TROMA’S WAR

THE 1,000 YEARS CAT See: THE CAT (1991)

ONE WEDDING AND LOTS OF FUNERALS See: LEPRECHAUN 2

ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE (1969 UK) D: PETER HUNT W: RICHARD MAIBAUM P: HARRY SALTZMAN/ALBERT R. BROCCOLI George Lazenby played 007 for the first and last time in this flop, very different Bond adventure that divides fans. It’s either the worst or the best depending on who you talk to. Lazenby is no Connery, but he is pretty good at giving Bond a more human edge. Telly Savalas is Blofeld and Diana Rigg is 007’s wife (who gets killed). Top groan-inducing wisecrack: “He had a lot of guts”. With Gabrielle Ferzetti, Lois Maxwell, Bernard Lee, Desmond Llewelyn, George Baker, Julie Ege, Joanna Lumley, Anouska Hempel, Hunt, Bessie Love and Elliott Sullivan. Connery returned in DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER.

ON HOSTILE GROUND (2000 CAN US) D: MARIO AZZOPARDI W: BRIAN L. ROSS/SHARON Y. COBB/ BRENT REED A big sinkhole under New Orleans threatens to send Mardi Gras through the Earth’s crust in this tv disaster movie. Heroic geologist John Corbett comes up with the idea of filling the hole up with an expanding foam that hardens (like Polyfilla)! This unusual (if silly) turn of events make this reasonably entertaining of its type and strangely memorable. Shame about the cheap “underground” sets and unconvincing computer FX. With Jessica Steen, Peter Stebbings, Brittany Daniel, Derwin Jordan, Eugene Clark and Shawn Lawrence.

ONIBABA (the hole) (1964 JPN) D/W: KANETO SHINDO P: HISAO ITOYA/TAMOTSU MINATO/SETSUO NOTO It’s sometime in the 14th century, near Kyoto, and an old woman (Nobuko Otowa) and her daughter-in-law (Jitsuko Yoshimura) are living in a hut in an overgrown field (a location we never leave), trying to make enough money to eat, waiting for their son/husband to return from the war. They’ve resorted to killing wandering soldiers they come across, stripping them of their valuable armour and weapons, and dumping the bodies in a deep, dark hole. Kei Sato is a comrade of the son’s who returns claiming that the son is dead, and takes a keen interest in the young Yoshimura. Everyone is hot and horny, and this is very much the forgotten peasant’s view of war: they couldn’t care less who’s winning, their existence is just day to day, hand to mouth survival. This nightmarish classic (based on a Buddhist parable) may not sound like a horror movie, but it famously inspired Friedkin’s THE EXORCIST, and is essential viewing for horror fans (and anyone interested in truly great cinema). The performers are superb, and Shindo’s art direction, Kiyomi Kuroda’s b/w photography (he also shot Shindo’s KURONEKO) and Hikaru Hayashi’s score all combine for an unforgettable, potent and sumptuous treat. With Taji Tonoyama, Jukichi Uno and Fudeko Tanaka.

ON THE AIR (1992 US) D: DAVID LYNCH/LESLI LINKA GLATTER/JACK FISK/JONATHAN SANGER/ BETTY THOMAS W: DAVID LYNCH/MARK AND SCOTT FROST/ROBERT ENGELS P: GREGG FIENBERG/ DEEPAK NAYAR No one much liked this short-lived (seven x 25 mins episodes) comedy series created by executive producers Mark Frost and David Lynch about a live tv station in Manhattan 1957, where things invariably go wrong. In fact, in America they only aired the first three shows! It has developed a cult following, though, and in my opinion was often hilarious. Ian Buchanan is the star of The Lester Guy Show, always upstaged by the dumb but nice co-star Marla Rubinoff. The other regulars were the undervalued Miguel Ferrer, Marvin Kaplan, Kim McGuire, Irwin Keyes and Tracey Walter as Blinky. Guest stars were Vanessa Angel, Angelo Badalamenti (who also does the music), Sydney Lassick, R.J. Adams, Richard Riehle, Freddie Jones, Chuck McCann, Robert Costanzo, I.M. Hobson and John Quade. It’s filled with cartoonish sound FX and characters. My favourites are the Hurry-Up Twins.

ON THE BUSES (1971 UK) D: HARRY BOOTH W/P: RONALD WOLFE/RONALD CHESNEY Spin-off from the popular tv series is a little saucier for the big-screen, but still not very funny unless you’re a fan of this type of archaic Brit comedy. Reg Varney is the put-upon bus driver who must avoid Blakey the inspector (Stephen Lewis) and the new women drivers (the crisis the plot revolves around). With Pat Coombs and David Lodge. MUTINY ON THE BUSES followed.

ON THE RUN (mong ming yuen yeung; wang ming yuan yang) (1988 HK) D/W: ALFRED CHEUNG W: WONG WANG GEI P: SAMMO HUNG Yuen Biao is a CID officer whose estranged narcotics cop wife is gunned-down by a Thai assassin from the Golden Triangle (Pat Ha) after she gets too close to identifying corrupt police officials. Charlie Chin is just such a higher-up, and ordered the hit despite Biao’s wife having left Biao for him. Biao figures this out, and he, Ha and his little girl try to escape to the Golden Triangle while Chin and his henchmen (Lo Lieh, Phillip Ko Fei and Yuen Wah) search the city for them, in this pretty exciting noirish action thriller. With Lee Heung-Kam, Peter Ngor Chi-Kuan, 1997 handover tensions and one incredible stunt from Biao. Bosco Lam was the assistant director.

OP CENTER: NEXT MISSION See: CRASH DIVE

OPEN WATER (2003 US) D/W: CHRIS KENTIS P: LAURA LAU Due to a mis-count on the tour boat, scuba-diving tourists Blanchard Ryan and Daniel Travis end up stranded, floating in the ocean off the Bahamas, surrounded by sharks. Based on reallife events in Australia, the ads for this speculative suspense movie made viewers think of an exciting JAWS-style adventure. Most were disappointed when they saw this very low-key docudrama-look picture, but it is in fact very effective and engaging. Apparently Broken Lizard’s Steve Lemme can be spotted briefly. There was an official sequel in 2006 (nevermind the copies).

OPEN YOUR EYES (abre los ojos; apri gli occhi; ouvre les yeux) (1997 SPN FRA ITL) D/W: ALEJANDRO AMENABAR W: MATEO GIC P: FERNANDO BOVAIRA/JOSÉ LUIS CUERDA Eduardo Noriega is a rich womanising guy in Madrid who has his face disfigured in a car crash caused by a jealous one-night stand. Penelope Cruz is his best friend’s girlfriend who he falls in love with. At the risk of giving too much away, the complicated tale involves cryogenics and a dream vs reality plot. This much celebrated second feature from the director of TESIS is good, but some people went overboard on the praise. THE TRUMAN SHOW, LOST HIGHWAY, MATRIX, FIGHT CLUB and others were then current projects that were likened to it, but let’s not forget the influence of Philip K. Dick’s story We Can Remember It For You Wholesale (the basis for TOTAL RECALL) on all these recent post-reality entries. The ELEPHANT MAN-look disfigurement FX are excellent. With Chete Lera, Fele Martinez, Najwa Nimri and Amenabar. Remade as VANILLA SKY.

OPERA (terror at the opera) (1987 ITL) D/W/P: DARIO ARGENTO W: FRANCO FERRINI Christina Marsillach is an opera star understudy who’s terrorised by a killer in yet another cold overstylised (and overrated) giallo from Argento. Two good gore scenes (the bullet through the keyhole and Marsillach’s eyes taped open to see her boyfriend killed) are worth seeing though. But Marsillach’s character is way too relaxed after the killings she’s witnessed and the ending is silly. With Dario Nicolodi, Urbano Barberini, William McNamara and second unit director Michelle Soavi (who made the similar STAGEFRIGHT around the same time).

OPERATION ATLANTIS (agente 003: operazione atlantide) (1965 ITL SPN) D/W: “PAUL FLEMING” (DOMENICO PALOELLA) W: “VIC POWELL” (VICTOR AUZ/JOSÉ LOPEZ MORENO/VINICIO MARINUELI) P: FERNANDO FELCION John Ericson (as George Steele) stars in this ridiculous international spy adventure. En route to Tokyo he gets hired in Rome by the RIU to search for a hidden uranium source in an island off North Africa believed to be the lost continent of Atlantis. Rival gangs try to capture, use and kill him, too. It’s not very good, but is fast-moving enough (on the verge of becoming nonsensical) to not become boring. The best part is a guy who kills with a pair of large metal spiked pincers. With Franco Ressel, Renato Terra, Beni Deus, José Manuel Martin, Erika Blanc, Luigi Tosi and Mino Doro. AIP dubbed it into English.

OPERATION CONDOR See: ARMOUR OF GOD 2

OPERATION CONDOR 2 See: ARMOUR OF GOD

OPERATION DELTA FORCE (1996 US) D: SAM FIRSTENBERG W: DAVID SPARLING/TREVOR SHORT W/P: DANNY LERNER A very grim-looking Jeff Fahey leads a military team after Joe Lara (who’s stolen some dangerous Ebola variant from a research facility) in South Africa. Typically mindless Nu Image action release will send you to sleep. With Ernie Hudson, Frank Zagarino, Rob Stewart, Gideon Emery and Hal Holbrook.

OPERATION DELTA FORCE 2: MAYDAY (1998 US) D: YOSSI WEIN W: DAVID SPARLING W/P: DANNY LERNER A different no-star cast returns for more numbing, mindless action. This time terrorists have taken over a submarine and a cruise ship full of hostages that they’re using as a human shield for the sub.

OPERATION DELTA FORCE 3: CLEAR TARGET (1998 US) D: MARK ROPER W: DAVID SPARLING W/P: DANNY LERNER More interchangeable military action crap from Nu Image. Lots of gunfire, explosions and clichés. Not much else. With Bryan Genesse. Yet another two sequels followed.

OPERATION DOUBLE 007 (o.k. connery; operation kid brother; secret agent 00) (1967 ITL) D: ALBERTO DE MARTINO W: PAOLO LEVI/FRANK WALKER/STANLEY WRIGHT/STAFANO CANZIO P: MARIO SABATELLO Bernard Lee and Lois Maxwell (M and Moneypenny in the James Bond movies) convince Bond’s bearded surgeon (and hypnotist) brother (Sean’s real-life brother Neil Connery) to take his place on a mission to foil villain Adolfo Celi (from THUNDERBALL). This is not a spoof and is about as entertaining as a regular genuine Bond movie of the time (at least it’s shorter). It is considerably cheaper-looking, though. With Daniela Balchi, Anthony Dawson, Nando Angelini, Mirella Pamphili and a soundtrack co-written by Ennio Morricone.

OPERATION DRAGON See: ENTER THE DRAGON

OPERATION FEAR See: KILL, BABY… KILL!

OPERATION KID BROTHER See: OPERATION DOUBLE 007

OPERATION MONSTERLAND See: DESTROY ALL MONSTERS

OPERATION ’NAM See: COBRA MISSION

OPERATION OVERTHROW See: COBRA MISSION

OPERATION REGINA See: A QUEEN’S RANSOM

OPERATION SCORPIO See: SCORPION KING (1992)

OPERATION 7: WASHINGTON (covert action; spy kill; mystiki apostoli stin ellada; sono stato un agento c.i.a.) (1978 ITL GRE) D: ROMOLO GUERRIERI W: JOHN CROWTHER/VITTORIO SCHIRALDI American reporter David Janssen is threatened and harassed by police and officials in Greece as he goes around trying to uncover some scandal or other. Ex Corinne Clery convinces him to try to save her husband (and the man who stole her from him), CIA Agent Maurizio Merli from assassination. The only interesting part of this very longwinded and talky Euro thriller is when Janssen is forcefully committed to a mental hospital to try to get information from him (it reminded me of the cold turkey scenes in the middle of FRENCH CONNECTION 2), but he’s soon rescued by local police officer Arthur Kennedy. I also quite liked Stelvio Cipriani’s synth score. With Ivan Rassimov, Philippe Le Roy, Giacomo Rossi-Staurt, Tom Felleghy and Giovanni Cianfriglia.

OPERATION THUNDERBOLT (raid on entebbe) (1977 US) D: IRWIN KIRSHNER W: BARRY BECKERMAN P: EDGAR J. SCHERICK/DANIEL H. BLATT Not bad tv movie about the 1967 hijacking of a plane full hostages that were taken to Uganda. Not as good as the Israeli version with the same title, apparently (I’ve not seen it). The excellent cast: Peter Finch, Charles Bronson, Martin Balsam, John Saxon, Eddie Constantine, Jack Warden, Robert Loggia, James Woods, Horst Buchholz, Sylvia Sidney, Stephen Macht, Robin Gammell, Peter Brocco and Yaphet Kottot (very good as a publicity hungry Idi Amin). Originally 150 mins long, the video versions are usually 126 (although the original running time may include commercials, so 126 could be complete). There was also VICTORY AT ENTEBBE (1976).

OPERATION UNDERCOVER See: REPORT TO THE COMMISSIONER

OPERATION X See: THE SOULTANGLER

THE OPERATIVE (2000 US) D: ROBERT LEE W: PAUL A. BIRKETT P: EVAN TAYLOR/JOHN CURTIS Brian Bosworth is a former CIA operative who awakes and escapes from a hospital in Russia after eleven years. Stateside an old enemy blackmails him into stealing some valuable art from a Brian Bosworth lookalike (also played by The Boz). Sleep-inducing cable fodder. Mostly a bank robbery/hostage crisis movie. With Rachel Hayward, Jerry Wasserman, Teryl Rothery and Christopher Shyer.

OPIUM AND THE KUNG FU MASTER (master of the hung clan; the lightning fists of shaolin; hung kuen daai bye; hong quan da shi) (1984 HK) D: TANG CHIA P: MONA FONG/WONG KA HEE Loose follow up to TEN TIGERS OF KWANTUNG has Chen Kuan Tai as a villainous opium dealer who gets rich while clients get addicted and die. Ti Lung is the avenging hero. Director Chia choreographed some great kung fu films, so even if the story is humdrum the action is great. With Phillip Ko Fei, Robert Mak Tak Lau, Guo Goon Chung and Chia (whose best film as director is the underappreciated IRON FINGERS OF DEATH).

THE OPPONENT (qualcuno paghera?) (1987 ITL) D: SERGIO MARTINO P: LUCIANO MARTINO Giuliano Gemma (a spaghetti western veteran) is a pro boxer wannabe who gets his chance after helping a mobster’s moll in danger. He fights for the championship, and against gangsters and corruption. Ernest Borgnine co-stars as his girlfriend’s disapproving father who eventually coaches him. The actors seem to be struggling with some clunky dialogue in this forgettable time-waster. With Edgar Allan Poe IV. [Illus.]

OPPOSING FORCE See: HELLCAMP

OPTION ZERO (g4 dak gung; g4 te gong) (1997 HK) D: DANTE LAM CHIU YIN W: CHAM HING KAR P: GORDON CHAN/JOHN CHONG Slice-of-life look at special branch cops, their work in the field and their turbulent personal relationships. Not bad of its type but doesn’t do much more than trot out wellworn clichés about hard-working, stressed cops in a modern, dynamic way. With Anthony Wong, Julian Cheung, Monica Chan, Michael Wong, Nancy Lam Sai and Farini Cheung. Anthony Wong returned in Lam’s BEAST COPS (1998).

THE ORACLE (1984 US) D: ROBERTA FINDLAY W: R. ALLEN LEIDER P: WALTER E. SEAR This cheap horror movie about a haunted Ouija board was later copied by the higher-profile WITCHBOARD. Both are mediocre but watchable, yet this has the edge on gore and sleazy NYC tenement atmosphere. You could do much worse for a quickie programmer to drink beer/get stoned to. Findlay followed with TENEMENT and SHAUNA, EVERY MAN’S FANTASY.

ORCA (1977 US) D: MICHAEL ANDERSON W/P: LUCIANO VINCENZONI W: SERGIO DONATI/ROBERT TOWNE (uncredited) Hot on the heels of his critically mauled KING KONG remake, I think critics were a little unfair to this JAWS-inspired tale from executive producer Dino De Laurentiis. A giant killer whale is out for revenge when opportunistic fisherman (Richard Harris) kills his mate (and unborn baby whale). It is awfully silly, but easy to watch, and scenes with animatronic whales are seamless, and Malta (!) convincingly doubles for the Arctic Circle. After it had been on tv, kids in school always enjoyed talking about the part where Bo Derek’s leg is bitten-off, and the hosing-the-foetus scene. With Charlotte Rampling, Robert Carradine, Keenan Wynn, Will Sampson, Scott Walker and Don “Red” Barry. I think JAWS 4 copied it. Unfortunately De Laurentiis never got to make his King Kong Vs. Orca (!) movie.

THE ORDER See: THE SIN EATER

ORDER OF DEATH See: CORRUPT

ORDINARY DECENT CRIMINAL (ein ganz gewohnlicher dieb) (2000 IRE GER UK US) D: THADDEUS O’SULLIVAN W: GERARD STENBRIDGE P: JONATHAN CAVENDISH Kevin Spacey is Dublin’s most famous criminal, a kind of working class hero who robs banks even when he’s on bail and awaiting trial. The story of real-life criminal Martin Shaughnessey (here called Cahill) had already been told more seriously in both the BBCTV movie VICIOUS CIRCLE (1999) and THE GENERAL (and Pete Postlethwaite played him in WHEN THE SKY FALLS), but this thinly disguised remake is more of a feelgood, stylish comedic crime romp. A damned good one at that. Engrossing storytelling, assured acting and direction make this a low-key but satisfying crowd-pleaser. Linda Fiorentino and Helen Baxendale are Spacey’s wife and lover sisters. A romanticised, inaccurate account of events to be sure, but prime Robin Hood-style entertainment. With Vincent Regan, Peter Mullen, Patrick Malahide, Christoph Walz, David Hayman, Colin Farrell, Stephen Dillane and Herbert Knaup.

ORGAN (1996 JPN) D/W: KEI FUJIWARA P: BINBUN FURASAWA/KOICHI TODA This excellent, atmospheric and highly claustrophobic horror thriller has a cop trying to find his missing partner, who is actually being kept alive (minus his limbs BOXING HELENA-style) by one of the heads of a yakuza-funded blackmarket human organ ring. This boss is also a high school biology teacher, so the kidnapped cop is kept alive with the menstrual blood of sexy schoolgirl virgins. The other bitchy female boss is played by director Fujiwara. There’s a lot more to it than just that wonderfully sleazy premise, though. It gets a little confusing at times, but is well worth sticking with. Fujiwara (who was in TETSUO) adapted this from her avantgarde play. With Kimihiko Hasegawa and Shun Sugata. try to get the full, disturbing and violent 110 mins version.

ORGIES OF CALIGULA See: CALIGULA’S SLAVES

ORGY OF THE DEAD (orgy of the vampires) (1965 US) D/P: “A.C. STEPHENS” (STEPHEN C. APOSTOLOFF) W: EDWARD D. WOOD JR. Based on Wood’s novel, this very laid back and cool nudie horror comedy is a classic. Criswell (in a Dracula cape) introduces and narrates (“some of you may faint”). A badly acting couple (Pat Barrington is the girl) drive their car at night (although in longshot it’s day) looking for a graveyard. He’s a novelist who explains how he needs inspiration for his horror stories (in great Ed Wood dialogue that continues at intervals throughout the film). The car crashes and they find themselves outside a graveyard where various strippers dance for Criswell, his Vampira-like assistant (The Black Ghoul) and a mummy and a wolfman (who are great fun as comic relief). The Indian girl is first, then the streetwalker (who has a skeleton in her act and pretty much just walks around). On to the gold woman (“throw gold at her,” yells Criswell) who’s finally dipped in gold (she’s also played by Barrington). Criswell laughs hysterically at this point (he usually just nods his head at nothing in particular). The mummy and the wolfman discover the couple watching and tie them up (“Fiends! Fiends!”). A woman dressed in leopard skin with cutouts for her tits and buttocks dances next. She’s also whipped by a man. “Torture! Torture! It pleasures me,” announces Criswell, and the slave girl dances. A Hawaiian girl who worshipped snakes (stock footage of a rattlesnake). A woman who killed her husband and dances with his skeleton watching (she really seems to enjoy doing the twist). The zombie woman, another one and then finally the sun comes up to turn Criswell and the ghoul into skeletons before the couple are sacrificed. An ambulance crew tends to them and it turns out maybe the whole thing was a crash-induced hallucination. But Criswell’s narration suggests maybe not. Ted V. Mikels was a cameraman for this thoroughly enjoyable experience. Don’t miss it! In Sexicolor! Photographer Caramico made SEX RITUALS OF THE OCCULT. Robert Derteno was the art director. Many more Wood/Apostoloff movies followed through the 70s.

ORGY OF THE NYMPHOMANIACS See: CAPTIVE WOMEN

ORGY OF THE VAMPIRES See: ORGY OF THE DEAD

ORINOCO: PRISON OF SEX See: ESCAPE FROM HELL

OROCHI: THE EIGHT-HEADED DRAGON See: YAMATO TAKERU

OSHIKIRI: THE STRANGE STORY (2000 JPN) D/W: YOSHIKI SATOO P: DAI MIYAZAKI/TOMOO KADOTA/TAKESHI KINOSHITA A schoolboy investigates his big old childhood home where his grandfather ran groundbreaking physics experiments. He discovers a gateway to a parallel dimension where his evil clone murders people with an axe while wearing a hood and gas mask. Cheap and boring teen-appeal horror flick is based on a manga by Junji Itto. With Tomoroh Taguchi as a physics teacher and Hideo Amamoto. For a far superior Itto adaption, check out UZUMAKI.

THE OSIRUS PROJECT (hidden agenda; maximum egypt) (2002 US) D: SCOTT McABOY W: RICHARD PRESTON JR. P: SCOTT HOHNBAUM/AMY SYDORICK A secret agent must retrieve a coding chip for an all-powerful satellite from the enemy in this seriously mind-numbingly dull spy thriller.

THE OSTERMAN WEEKEND (violent saturday) (1983 US) D: SAM PECKINPAH W: ALAN SHARP/IAN MASTERS P: PETER S. DAVIS/WILLIAM N. PANZER Rutger Hauer is a tv interviewer who signs the official secrets act to allow CIA agent John Hurt to monitor his hateful “friends” (who may be Soviet agents) while they stay over at his house one weekend. Hauer and his family end up in just as much danger as the hunted Craig T. Nelson, Dennis Hopper and Chris Sarandon. This bizarre thriller (Peckinpah’s last feature) is based on a novel by Robert Ludlum, and features Hurt at his most sinister. Not among the great director’s best, but still very good, interesting and well worth watching. With Burt Lancaster, Meg Foster, Helen Shaver, Tim Thomerson, Buddy Joe Hooker, Jan Triska and Jimmy Williams.

THE OTHER (1972 US) D/P: ROBERT MULLIGAN W: THOMAS TRYON Tryon (an actor who appeared in I MARRIED A MONSTER FROM OUTER SPACE) adapted his own novel for this slow-moving but rewarding and eerie psychological thriller. Twin boys in the Midwest 1935 live with another family after their father dies and their mother suffers a mental breakdown. Uta Hagan (a respected stage actress) made her film debut as a kindly old Russian woman who teaches the boys a form of astral projection that allows one to see through the other’s eyes. Murder occurs and there’s a twist that wouldn’t become a cinema vogue for at least another 30 years. With John Ritter.

THE OTHERS (les autres; los otros) (2001 US FRA SPN) D/W: ALEJANDRO AMENBAR P: PARK SUNMIN/ José CUERDA/FERNANDO BOVALRA A housekeeper (Fionnula Flanagan), a gardener (Eric Sykes) and a mute servant girl arrive at a large mansion on the Jersey Channel islands in 1945 looking for work. Nicole Kidman is the lady of the house whose husband has been lost at war and whose two children are so sensitive to light that the house must always be in darkness. This fine haunted house movie evokes the atmosphere of M.R. James and The Turn Of The Screw and features an unexpected twist. With Christopher Eccleston and Keith Allen. Amenbar (who also wrote the music) had previously made the features TESIS and OPEN YOUR EYES before this, his breakthrough Hollywood picture (filmed in New York and Spain). Tom Cruise (who was instrumental in remaking OPEN YOUR EYES as VANILLA SKY) was an executive producer.

OTOGIRI-SO (st. john’s wort) (2001 JPN) D: TEN SHIMOYAMA W: GORO NAKAJIMA W/P: TAKENORI SENDO P: SHINJI OGAWA Orphan Megumi Okina inherits her big old childhood home in the country and goes to investigate with friend and video game designer Yoiichiro Saito. They discover that her father was a demented genius artist and find hidden rooms with mummified kids’ corpses. Parts of this minimal horror mystery are represented by video game graphics (a good, if cheap-looking effect) and I suppose it’s not too bad for what’s basically a live-action RPG game. They obviously didn’t know how to end it properly, so a multiple-ending gimmick is dealt out. With Koji Ogura and Reiko Matsuo. Based on a novel by Hideoshi Nagasaka. Shimoyama also helmed the Kane Kosugi vehicle MUSCLE HEAT (2002).

OTOKO NO SEKAI (1971 JPN) D: YASUHARU HASEBE W: RIYOZO NAKANISHI/KOIICHI SAITO Yujiro Ishihara (who sings a few songs) returns to Tokyo after five years abroad. Everyone thinks he’s seeking vengeance from the mob that killed his girlfriend, but he just wants to help young couple Masaya Oki and Keiko Toriee get to Canada. This dull movie is one of director Hasebe’s lesser efforts, with virtualy no action. Joe Shishido co-stars as a police detective. With Ryohei Uchida and Kenji Sugawara. The title translates as “Man’s world”.

OTSUYU (the haunted lantern) (1997 JPN) D: MASARU TSUSHIMA W: YUUKA HONCHO P: YOSHIMI ARIMI/ TETSUJI HAYASHI The familiar tale of a samurai (played by famous novelist Gitan Otsuru) fucking a ghost (Yuna Natsuki) courtesy of the director of the FEMALE NINJAS: MAGIC CHRONICLES series. It’s pretty slow-going but has its moments. The ending confused me. Based on a book by Encho Sanutei. It’s nice to see Tsushima getting bigger budgets and better FX.

OUR MAN FLINT (1966 US) D: DANIEL MANN W: HAL FIMBERG/BEN STARR P: SAUL DAVID Better than most of the post-GOLDFINGER Bond movies is this fun spoof starring James Coburn as Derek Flint, a freelance spy who hangs out in a great apartment with several international beauties at his beck and call, and has a multipurpose gadget-filled lighter. He’s hired to stop a trio of scientists who have decided to blackmail the world with controlled extreme weather conditions. Flint also fasts and does bad martial arts (all parts of the real Coburn public counterculture persona at the time, when he also starred in the classic THE PRESIDENT’S ANALYST). With Lee. J. Cobb, Edward Mulhare, Benson Fong, Rhys Williams, Gila Golan, Russ Conway, Peter Brocco, James Brolin, Steven Geray, Roy Jenson, Joe Gray, and look for Tura Satana. IN LIKE FLINT (1967) followed.

OUTBACK See: WAKE IN FRIGHT

OUTBREAK (1995 US) D/P: WOLFGANG PETERSON W: LAURENCE DWORET/ROBERT ROY POOL P: ARNOLD KOPELSON/GAIL KATZ When a Zairian monkey with a virus escapes from a lab, a lethal virus called Motaba is unleashed in a California town. Dustin Hoffman stars as a military medical researcher trying to contain the virus while Donald Sutherland (great as the villain) attempts to have the place firebombed. Rene Russo co-stars in this exciting, scary sci-fi thriller with some nice FX. With Cuba Gooding Jr., Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey, Patrick Dempsey, J.T. Walsh, Zakes Mokae and Dale Dye. Based on a New Yorker Richard Preston article that Preston later expanded into the gripping nonfiction novel The Hot Zone (probably unfilmable due to the many scenes of monkey slaughter).

OUTBREAK X See: MUTANTS (2008)

OUTCASTS OF KUNG FU See: TWO CRIPPLED HEROES

THE OUTDOORSTERS See: WHEN NATURE CALLS

OUTER GOLD See: PRECIOUS FIND

THE OUTER LIMITS: SAND KINGS (1995 CAN) D: STUART GILLARD W: MELINDA M. SNODGRASS P: BRENT KARL CLACKSON/MANNY COTO/SCOTT SHEPERD The best thing about the awful OUTER LIMITS revival series was this fun pilot. Beau Bridges is a scientist who takes samples of soil from Mars home with him and plays God with the dangerous scorpion-like aliens that hatch from little eggs. He keeps them in a big sand-filled tank in his barn. Other generations of Bridges are represented by Lloyd (granddad) and son (Dylan). With Helen Shaver, Kim Coates, Nathaniel DeVeaux and Derryl Haynes. Based on a story by George R.R. Martin.

THE OUTFIT (1973 US) D/W: JOHN FLYNN P: CARTER DE HAVEN Robert Duvall gets out of prison only to discover a gangster organisation has a price on his head. He soon becomes a number one target when he goes head-to-head with the outfit, rippingoff one of their big money card games. Excellent crime thriller (surely the best based on the Parker novels of “Richard Stark”) is tough as nails and utterly captivating. And what a cast! Karen Black, Joe Don Baker, Robert Ryan, Timothy Carey, Richard Jaeckel, Elisha Cook Jr., Sheree North, Bill McKinney, Marie Windsor, Joanna Cassidy, Roy Roberts, Emile Meyer and Roy Jenson.

THE OUTFIT (machine-gun wars) (1993 US) D/WP: J. CHRISTIAN INGVORDSEN W/P: STEVE W. KAMAN W: WHITNEY RANSICK John Christian (director Ingvordsen) is an FBI agent who poses as a hobo to infiltrate Legs Diamond’s gang in 1930s New York. Diamond and Dwight Schultz (Lance Henriksen) are at war. Billy Drago is Lucky Luciano! This overlong (almost two hours) action movie sucks. It’s boring and can’t seem to keep on track with the story, always sidetracking into useless subplots and unerotic sex scenes. With Martin Kove.

OUT FOR A KILL (2003 US) D: MICHAEL OBLOWITZ W: DENNIS DIMSTER-DENK/SAM HAYES (uncredited) W/P: DANNY LERNER P: RANDALL EMETT/GEORGE FURLA/STEVEN SEGAL/JOHN THOMPSON/DAVID VAROD Even by Seagal’s usual low standards, this is a pile of shit. He’s an archeologist this time (no laughing at the back, there!) who digs up something on the China/Kazakhstan border, and then some gangsters come after him or something and his wife dies… or something along those lines, it was a job to stay awake. It’s narrated by a female Chinese cop, and the screenwriter is obviously proud of knowing the term “gwailo” because it’s used at least eight million times. With Kevin Dunn, Michael J. Reynolds and Elaine Tan.

OUT FOR JUSTICE (1991 US) D: JOHN FLYNN W/P: STEVEN SEAGAL W: DAVID LEE HENRY P: ARNOLD KOPELSON Seagal tries to make himself out to be tough-but-nice in this violent action movie. At least William Forsythe is fun doing a demented DeNiro impersonation as a crack-crazed killer gangster. One character has his leg blown-off with a shotgun. With Jerry Orbach, Julie Strain, Gina Gershon, Shannon Whirry, John Leguizamo, Jay Acovone, Robert LaSardo, John Toles-Bey, Carl Ciarfalio and Raymond Cruz. Seagal is not convincing as a local Brooklyn boy-done-good.

THE OUTING See: THE LAMP

OUTLAND (1981 UK) D/W: PETER HYAMS P: RICHARD A. ROTH Workers on a Jupiter moon mining colony are driven to suicide and psychotic behaviour by a dangerous hyperamphetamine. Sean Connery is the new police marshall who goes head-to-head with the corrupt mining supervisor Peter Boyle. Overlong and unimaginative HIGH NOON (1952)-inspace has little action. With Steven Berkoff, John Ratzenberger, James Sikking and Eugene Lipinski.

OUTLAW (1989) See: OUTLAW OF GOR

OUTLAW BROTHERS (chui gaai chaak paak dong; zui jiai ze pai dang) (1988 HK) D/P: FRANKIE CHAN W: BARRY WONG P: ERIC TSANG Veteran kung fu performer and director Chan delivers (and stars in) a ridiculous martial arts/cop movie that features some amazingly acrobatic stunts that render the plot (about car thieves and cops) secondary to the mind-boggling action. With Yukari Oshima, Michiko Nishiwaki, Max Mok and Miu Kiu Wai. Jackie Chan, Yuen Shun Yi, Fung Hak On and Cheng Chi Ho were the action choreographers.

THE OUTLAW: JOSEY WALES (1976 US) D: CLINT EASTWOOD W: PHILIP KAUFMAN/SONIA CHURIUS P: ROBERT DALEY Eastwood is a Southern farmer whose family and home is destroyed by Confederate soldiers. He becomes an outlaw for revenge and befriends Indians in this political message western. Despite laying on the preaching a bit thick, it’s not bad, if a little long at over two hours. With Sondra Locke, Bill McKinney, John Vernon (“don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining”), Sam Bottoms, Woodrow Parfrey, Royal Dano, Matt Clark, Buck Kartalian, John Russell, John Mitchum, Robert F. Hoy and Richard Farnsworth. There’s also a THE RETURN OF JOSEY WALES (1986).

OUTLAW OF GOR (outlaw; gor 2; timeslip to gor 2) (1989 S.AFR) D: JOHN “BUD” CARDOS W: RICHARD MARX P: AVI LERNER/HARRY ALAN TOWERS In this sequel to GOR (1987), Urbano Barberini (and his irritating nerdy friend) are transported back to the land in another dimension. He saves the land from villainous priest Jack Palance (who wears silly costumes) and becomes King. With Rebecca Ferratti and Larry Taylor. Based on John Norman’s novel. They may have churned out endless crap like this, but I still miss Cannon.

OUT OF CONTROL (1984 US YUG) D: ALLAN HOLZMAN W: SANDRA WEINTRAUB ROLAND/VICANGELO BULLUCK P: FRED WEINTRAUB W/P: DANIEL GRODNICK A plane load of rich teens (including a young Sherilyn Fenn) crash-lands on an island. There’s some typical mid-80s teen hijinks and then drug smugglers arrive in this very bad and boring action adventure.

OUT OF CONTROL (1997) See: RUNAWAY CAR

OUT OF DARKNESS See: BLACK JESUS

OUT OF SIGHT (1998 US) D: STEVEN SODERBERGH W: SCOTT FRANK P: DANNY DE VITO/MICHAEL SHAMBERG/STACEY SHER After the success of GET SHORTY, DeVito decided to sink his money into another Elmore Leonard adaption (Barry Sonnenfield was an executive producer), and it’s pretty good. George Clooney is an escaped con bank robber who falls in love with Fed Jennnifer Lopez. The plot revolves around a diamond heist from Albert Brooks’ mansion. With Don Cheadle, Ving Rhames, Luis Guzman, Nancy Allen, Michael Keaton, Samuel L. Jackson, Dennis Farina, Catherine Keener, Isaiah Washington and Steve Zahn. A later tv series based on Lopez’s character was Karen Sisco.

OUT OF THE DARKNESS See: TEENAGE CAVEMAN

OUT OF THE PAST See: BUILD MY GALLOWS HIGH

OUT OF THIS WORLD (1954 US) P: JAMISON HANDY In this wonderful colour 20 mins short from Jam Handy Productions, an angel makes a wager with the Devil that she can’t distract a bread delivery man from his duty to his work. She’s delighted to get a long lecture from him about the importance of filling his quota. It’s delightfully dogmatic. Good for him, because bad work habits mean you go to Hell!

OUT OF TIME (1988 US) D: ROBERT BUTLER W: BRIAN ALAN LANE/JOHN J. SAKMAR/KERRY LEHNART P: DAVID J. LATT Future loose-cannon cop Bruce Abbott goes back in time 20 years to 1988 LA. Bill Maher is his grandfather cop who has to help stop a criminal from the future played by Adam Ant. Watchable tv mesh of TERMINATOR and BACK TO THE FUTURE is ok if you catch it on a lazy afternoon, but is utterly throwaway. With Leo Rossi (from the RELENTLESS series), Kristian Alfonso, Ray Giardin, Jay Richardson and Greg Collins.

OUTRAGE (2010 JPN) D/W: TAKESHI KITANO P: MASAYUKI MORI/TAKIO YOSHIDA Kitano returns to the gangster genre for the first time since BROTHER in 2000, delivering a darkly comic tale of tit-for-tat gang war manipulated by those at the top of the food chain, portraying the yakuza as spolit children with guns. As long as you don’t expect the second coming (cine fandom typically set the bar too high with its overanticipation), this is a great, somewhat old-fashioned no-frills yakuza movie laced with Kitano wit and violence. Kitano joins an ensemble cast that includes Jun Kunimura, Renji Ishibashi (who’s particularly good), Tette Sugimoto, Ryo Kase (I chased him in a Lipton tea commercial once), Kippe Shina, Fumiyo Kohinata, Tomokazu Miura, Takashi Tsukamoto, Hideo Nakano, Soichiro Kitamura and TOKYO GORE POLICE’s Eihi Shiina as a hooker. Cinematography from Katsumi Yanagijima, music from Keiichi Suzuki, some special FX from Tomoo Haraguchi, and Kitano edited himself as usual. OUTRAGE BEYOND followed in 2012.

OUTRIDER See: W.B., BLUE AND THE BEAN

THE OUTSIDERS (1983 US) D: FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA W: KATHLEEN KNUSTEN ROWELL P: FRED ROOS/GRAY FREDERICKSON C. Thomas Howell, Patrick Swayze, Rob Lowe, Matt Dillon, Ralph Macchio, Emilio Estevez, Tom Cruise, Michelle Meyrink (from NICE GIRLS DON’T EXPLODE) and Diane Lane are “greasers” in this romanticised S.E. Hinton adaption that is an inferior and very different warm-up for Coppola’s excellent Hinton adaption RUMBLE FISH (1983). This is ok though, just not very distinguished. With William Smith, Tom Waits, Gailard Sartain, Sofia Coppola and Hinton. Heather Langenkamp’s scenes were cut out.

OVERDRAWN AT THE MEMORY BANK (1983 CAN US) D: DOUGLAS WILLIAMS W: CORINNE JACKER P: ROBERT LANTOS In a boring dystopian future filled with early 80s computer FX, company employee Raul Julia is caught hacking into forbidden “cinemas” files to watch CASABLANCA. He’s sent on some kind of conditioning/punishment programme where he imagines himself as a baboon. It’s really confusing, but I think his mind somehow rebels, escapes and company empolyees manifest as Nazis try to stop his renegade behaviour in a CASABLANCA inspired alternate reality inside a vast network of computers. This comes complete with a bad Peter Lorre impersonator. Julia’s own Bogart impersonation (he has a dual role) is also surprisingly awful. You could argue that this cheapjack made-for-tv adaptation of a story by John Varley (as was 1989’s MILLENIUM) is ahead-of-its-time concept-wise, but that doesn’t make it any better. With Jackie Burroughs, Maury Chaylin, Gary Farmer and Bill Smitrovich. It was filmed in Toronto.

OVERKILL (1996 US) D: DEAN RAPHAEL FERRANDINI W: JERRY LAZARUS/RON SWANSON/JOHN LANGLEY P: CARRIE CHAMBERS/ANDY HOWARD Aaron Norris proves that he’s even more po-faced and annoying than older brother Chuck in this God-awful action adventure. He plays a cop on vacation in Mexico who has to reluctantly help some guy with information about police corruption and mob boss played by Michael Nouri. Norris and Co have to go on the run through the jungle while Nouri and professional killers track them. With Robert Miano.

OVERNIGHT (2003 US) D/P: TONY MONTANA D: MARK BRIAN SMITH Troy Duffy was a barkeep with a script who was temporarily courted by Miramax’s Harvey Weinstein, hyped-up in Hollywood and given the greenlight (eventually) for his THE BOONDOCK SAINTS (1999). A couple of guys from his entourage (that circled around his other major project, a band called The Brood) documented his rise and subsequent fall (mostly due to his own primadonna, boorish, thankless behaviour). Duffy does indeed come across as an arsehole most of the time, but then again so does everyone else, and this malicious gutter-snipe turncoat “exposé” by a couple of miffed former “friends” is just as pathetic as the events it documents. Some celebrities seen briefly are Jake Busey, Billy Connolly, Willem Dafoe, Vincent D’Onofrio, Cary Elwes, Patrick Flannery, John Goodman, Ron Jeremy, Matthew Modine, Jerry O’Connell, Norma Reedus, Paul Reubens, Patrick Swayze, Mark Wahlberg, Weinstein and Billy Zane.

OVER THE EDGE (rebel point) (1979 US) D: JONATHAN KAPLAN W: CHARLIE HASS/TIM HUNTER P: GEORGE LITTO Parents from the city are too busy trying to boost the economy of their new, middle-of-nowhere land development town to notice how bored their kids are, and the escalating youth crime statistics. Kids (including star Michael Eric Kramer) hang out at a recreation centre, drink, do drugs (one character drops acid before sitting down to an educational film), steal and basically try to find stuff to do. Things come to a head after a cop shoots one of them (14-year-old Matt Dillon in his debut). At the end, the kids lock the parents up in school during an emergency meeting and destroy cars and property with guns. It’s an excellent, insightful modern jd flick from the director of TRUCK TURNER, and is based on real events in Foster City, California. With Vincent Spano, Andy Romano, Lane Smith and director Paul Cowan. Future director Andrew Davis was the cinematographer. Co-writer Hunter later made RIVER’S EDGE.

OVERTIME See: THE DEAD ARE ALIVE

THE OWL (1991 US) D/W: “ALLAN SMITHEE” (TOM HOLLAND) W: BOB FORWARD P: BILL TODMAN JR./ JOEL SIMON/MICHAEL GREEN Adrian Paul is an insomniac martial arts-fighting crimefighter for hire in a trenchcoat (who can see in the dark). A little girl hires him to find her missing scientist father, kidnapped by a gangster who speaks in rap (with a beatbox). The bad guys want a formula for an advanced steroid. This very bad PUNISHER copy (made for tv) has bad acting and dialogue, and Paul has (lots of) clichéd trauma flashbacks to when his family was killed (when he wore flannel shirts, combed his hair and looked clean). Patricia Charbonneau is the love interest and Brian Thompson is the bar owner friend (with a bullet hole in his head). With Gregory Scott Cummins and Thomas Rosales Jr. It’s based on Forward’s novel. Holland was also an executive producer.

OXYGEN (1998 US) D/W/P: RICHARD SHEPARD P: JONATHAN STERN/CAROLE CURB NEMOY/MIKE CURB Adrien Brody is entertaining as a crazed Houdini fan (with braces) who kidnaps a rich woman and buries her alive. He makes sure he’s caught by the police and taunts them, primarily self-loathing masochist Maura Tierney. This intriguing (if not totally successful) thriller has good music and location photography (especially during a chase scene that has visual references to THE FRENCH CONNECTION). It debuted on cable tv (before its short theatrical run) which makes its complex characters (as opposed to simply good and bad) doubly surprising. With Paul Calderon, Dylan Baker and Frankie Faison. Shepard also made THE LINGUINI INCIDENT (1991), that starred Rosanna Arquette as a Houdini fan.

THE PACE THAT KILLS See: THE COCAINE FIENDS

THE PACK (1977 US) D/W: ROBERT CLOUSE P: FRED WEINTRAUB/PAUL HELLER Tourists often pick-up puppies to join their family on holiday on Seal Island (this was actually filmed in Bodega Bay, CA) and then leave them to fend for themselves. In this “message” thriller, packs of these savage canines take revenge by attacking the residents, including star Joe Don Baker, R.G. Armstrong, Bibi Besch and Richard B. Shull. What sounds like a promising drivein era animals-attack nostalgia trip (based on David Fisher’s novel) is in fact pretty boring. Clouse is best known for his kung fu-crazed Hollywood programmers like ENTER THE DRAGON, BLACK BELT JONES, GOLDEN NEEDLES etc.

PAGANINI (kinski paganini) (1989 ITL FRA) D/W: KLAUS KINSKI W: MASSIMO LENTINI P: AUGUSTO CAMINITO According to Werner Herzog in the documentary MY BEST FIEND, Kinski believed himself to be a reincarnation of the 19th century Italian violinist and composer Niccolo Paganini. For his directorial debut (if you don’t count his work on VAMPIRE IN VENICE) and final film, Kinski is Paganini, a crazed, philandering musical genius who lives in poverty while playing and fucking himself to death. I kind of recommend the (far too long) “version originale” director’s cut to hardcore Kinski fans, but bare in mind that this headache-inducing ego trip is filled with screeching violins, women’s uncontrollable orgasms and more slow motion than most viewers could (or should) handle. The very Herzog-inspired camerawork and editing is impressive though. Debra Caprioglio/Kinski more-or-less plays herself as Paganini/Kinski’s neglected wife. With Eva Grimaldi, Bernard Blier, Andre Thorent and Marcel Marceau. Kinski died in 1992.

PAIN (1999) See: BUDDY BOY

PAIN (2007) See: SCAR

PAINFUL BLISS! FINAL TWIST (monzetsu!! donden gaeshi) (1976 JPN) D: TATSUMI KUMASHIRO W: ROKURO KUMAGI P: AKIRA MIURA This weird little Nikkatsu movie was based on an amateur script submitted as part of a contest. A drunken, horny salaryman makes his way home with hostess Naomi Tani one night. Unfortunately her abusive yakuza boyfriend/pimp is there. Things start to take a turn for the unexpected when he anally rapes the salaryman. After some other subplots about disposing of a dead body and sexually humiliating some young girls (three are tied-up and spanked while party blowers in their vaginas spool out with each slap!), the two men’s paths meet again. Again the salaryman is raped, and this time moves in with the yakuza and Tani! Then he becomes the hoodlum’s bitch, dressing and behaving like a woman (and abusing the put-upon Tani, who now isn’t getting any)!! He picks up other women for “lesbian” sex (insisting they call him “big sister”). The only problem with this violent and cartoonish oddity is that the tone veers from being a fascinating, out-of-control psychosexual drama to something like a cruel, juvenile bad taste comedy (it’s hard to judge). Different though, that’s for sure. Kumashiro made the remarkable DANNOURA PILLOW WAR next.

PALE RIDER (1985 US) D/P: CLINT EASTWOOD W: MICHAEL BUTLER/DENNIS SHRYACK Eastwood is a mysterious preacher who helps a California gold rush town fight a mining company in this ok western that copies SHANE. With Michael Moriarty, Richard Kiel, Carrie Snodgress, Chris Penn, Richard Dysart, Frank Ryan, Billy Drago, Buddy Van Horne and Fritz Manes.

PALMER’S BONES See: BONE DADDY

PALOOKAVILLE (1995 US) D: ALAN TAYLOR W: DAVID EPSTEIN P: UMBERTO PASOLINI Vincent Gallo, William Forsythe and Adam Trese make occasional forays into a life of crime that always go wrong, in this low-key but enjoyable (and often hilarious) comedy drama inspired by the Italian movie BIG DEAL ON MADONNA STREET (1958) — itself officially remade as CRACKERS (1984) and WELCOME TO COLLINWOOD (2002). It is set in New Jersey. With Kim Dickens and Frances McDormand.

PANDEMIC (kansen retto) (2008 JPN) D/W: TAKAHISA ZEZE W: ATSUYUKI SHIMODA W/P: TAKASHI HIRANO What at first is thought to be a new strain of bird flu with its origins in the Philippines, turns out to be a different, unidentified airborne virus (called “Blame”) that sweeps Japan. Sentimental and boring epidemic/disaster movie that unfortunately runs over 130 mins. Satoshi Tsumabuki and Rei Dan star as doctors, with Cunning Takeyama, Yuji Tanaka, Chizuru Ikewaki, Tatsuya Fuji, Kyusaku Shimada, Ryoko Kuninaka, Ayaka Komatsu, Ken Mitsuishi, real-life tv reporter Hideki Yamanaka and Koiichi Sato (he doesn’t last long). Parts were shot in the Philippines. From the former sex movie director (his THE DREAM OF GARUDA [1994] being the most widely exported) with a now largely unsuccessful “straight” movie career.

PANDEMONIUM (1971) See: SHURA

THE PANDORA PROJECT (1998 US) D/W/P: JOHN TERLESKY D/W: JIM WYNORSKI Ex-CIA operative Richard Tyson steals a sophisticated Neutron bomb-like weapon and hires it out to terrorists in South America. His old partner Daniel Baldwin is out to stop him in this dull action filler. Erika Eleniak is Baldwin’s news anchorwoman girlfriend in peril. With Tony Todd, Brad Rowe, Thomas Rosales Jr. and Richard Gabai.

PANDORUM (2009 UK GER) D/W: CHRISTIAN ALVART W: TRAVIS MILLOY P: JEREMY BOLT/PAUL W.S. ANDERSON/ROBERT KULZER Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster wake-up from hypersleep aboard a huge spaceship and take a while to figure out what their mission was. Whatever it was, in the interim some kind of pasty, skinny DESCENT-like gribblies have multiplied and are eating anyone they can find on-board. Pretty impressive set design and CGI, plus some fine atmospherics and set pieces have to trade-off against dumb clichés and ill-advised psychological suspense from some other movie. The end result is a pretty intense and exciting, yet not quite satisfying sci-fi thriller. You could do a lot worse. With Vietnamese kick-boxing champ Cungle, and Norman Reedus. Stan Winston worked on the FX. From the director of ANTIBODIES (2005) and CASE 39 (2009).

PANHANDLE CALIBRE .38 (padello calibro .38; …e alla fine to chiamorono jeruslaem l’implacible…) (1972 ITL) D/W: ANTONIO SECCHI W: MARIO AMENDOLA/MASSIMO FRANCIOSCA P: T.F. GAY Catching this western on late-night tv was quite an experience. The plot is forgettable but the very silly slapstick comedy left me speechless. It’s kind of hard to put into words, but if you find it somewhere, check it out. With Scott Holden, Delia Boccardo, Franco Fabrizi, Philippe Leroy, Mimmo Palmora, Nello Pazzafini and Keenan Wynn.

PANIC (2000 US) D/W: HENRY BROMELL P: ANDREW LAZAR/LORI MILLER/MATT COOPER William H. Macy is a depressed hitman with wife (Tracey Ullman) and child (David Dorfman) who works for his overbearing father (Donald Sutherland). Barbara Bain is the mother. Macy goes to a therapist (John Ritter) who also turns out to be his next target. Meanwhile Macy gets infatuated with a young girl also in therapy (Neve Campbell). Despite what it may sound like, this is not a “wacky” black comedy, and is refreshingly non self-concious with likeable characters and insightful moments. Unfortunately it also has a fatally wishy-washy conclusion that’s a real shame. With Miguel Sandoval, Nick Cassavetes, Tina Lifford and Greg Pitts.

PANIC AT LAKEWOOD MANOR See: ANTS!

PANIC IN THE CITY (1968 US) D/W: EDDIE DAVIS W: CHARLES E. SAVAGE P: EARL LYON Radical scientists led by Nehemiah Persoff have stolen an A-bomb which they plan to detonate in LA to show the world how dangerous it is! Government agent Howard Duff and Radiologist Linda Cristal set out to find it before it goes off. This potentially exciting disaster/suspense movie is ruined by terrible pacing from the director of the 1969 Australian D.O.A. remake COLOR ME DEAD. With Dennis Hopper, John Hoyt, Anne Jeffries, Stephen McNally, Stanley Clements, Mike Farrell, Steve Franken, John Pickard, Linda Cristal, Walter Reed, William Tannen, Douglas Evans and James Seay.

PANIC IN THE TOWER See: SHAKMA

PANIC IN YEAR ZERO! (end of the world) (1962 US) D: RAY MILLAND W: JOHN MERTON/JAY SIMMS P: ARNOLD HOUGHLAND/LOU RUSSOFF Milland also stars in this excellent, trendsetting b/w post nuke movie. He’s the head of a family (with Jean Hagen as his wife) who learns of LA’s destruction while on a fishing trip. Other major cities all over the world have also been destroyed. The family takes to the road and encounter (now clichéd) hoodlums and armed citizens, all looking out for themselves. They make home in a cave and the daughter is raped by a gang of greasers. Milland becomes a convincing cracked average man turned killer. It ends on a hopeful note, yet has a surprisingly unpatriotic political viewpoint. With Frankie Avalon, Dick Bakalyan, Richard Garland, Willis Bouchers, Russ Bender, Hugh Sanders and Hugh Marlowe. It’s based on Ward Moore’s story Lots And Lots’ Daughter. Milland was the star of Roger Corman’s X: THE MAN WITH X-RAY EYES the same year. Both are from AIP.

PANIC ON PAGE ONE See: CITY IN FEAR

PANIC ON THE TRANS-SIBERIAN TRAIN See: HORROR EXPRESS

PANIC ROOM (2002 US) D: DAVID FINCHER W/P: DAVID KOEPP P: CEAN CHAFFIN/JUDY HOFFLUND/ GAVIN POLONE Jodie Foster and her daughter move into a big Manhattan brownstone townhouse with its own impenetrable “panic room” (a secret room for hiding in). When three crooks (Forest Whitaker, Jared Leto, Dwight Yoakam) break in with the intention of stealing money hidden in the panic room, they must find a way of tricking Foster and (diabetic) daughter to come out. Potentially great suspense premise is ruined by a weak, unconvincing script which director Fincher brings nothing to except the overuse of show-off fancy camerawork. With Patrick Bachau, Ann Magnuson and SE7EN screenwriter Andrew Kevin Walker has a cameo. The opening credits are the most impressive thing about it.

PANIC SKY See: ALTITUDE

PANTYHOSE HERO (pantyhose killer; chi fan seung hong; zhi fen shuang xiong) (1989 HK) D/P: SAMMO HUNG W: SZETO CHEUK-HON/ BARRY WONG Hung and Alan Tam are undercover cops searching for a killer of homosexual men in this more comedic update of CRUISING. Although some parts could be considered objectionable, this is not as outrageously homophobic as you might expect. We are more often than not made to laugh at Hung and Tam’s ignorance as they attempt to “act gay”. More importantly there is some top-notch action and fight choreography, and even some grisly gore. A real must for Sammo fans. With James Tien, Chung Faat, Wu Ma and Ridley Tsui.

PANTYHOSE KILLER See: PANTYHOSE HERO

THE PAPERBOY (1994 CAN) D: DOUGLAS JACKSON W: DAVID PECKINPAH P: TOM BERRY/FRANCO BATTISTA Sam Peckinpah’s screenwriter nephew delivers a flat but potentially creepy story about a murdering 12-year-old with a mother fixation on neighbour Alexandra Paul. With William Katt, Frances Bay, Barry Flatman, Claire Riley and Sam Stone. A missed opportunity.

PAPERHOUSE (1988 UK) D: BERNARD ROSE W: MATTHEW JACOBS P: SARAH RADCLYFFE/TIM BEVAN Charlotte Burke is an 11-year-old girl stuck in bed with a fever. Dreams of a dying boy and his abusive father (Ben Cross) serve as inspiration for her crayon drawings. The house she draws when awake appears in her dreams, and she discovers she can influence the dreams with her drawings. Rose’s feature debut is based on Catherine Storr’s novel Marianne Dreams (also the basis for the 1972 tv miniseries ESCAPE INTO NIGHT) and is an excellent fantasy/fairy tale with some scary moments. It’s not aimed at children the age of Burke’s character, but I’m sure they would enjoy it, too (and find it pretty frightening). Why don’t you traumatise your kids today! With Glenne Headly and Gemma Jones.

THE PARADINE CASE (1947 US) D: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: JAMES BRIDIE/ALMA REVILLE/BEN HECHT W/P: DAVID O. SELZNICK Gregory Peck stars as a successful defence lawyer who falls in love with his client (Alida Valli), accused of poisoning her rich, blind husband. There are some great moments in this expensive b/w courtroom drama, but it’s overlong, overwrought and more concerned with subplot dramatics than crime or suspense. With Charles Laughton as a lecherous judge, Ethel Barrymore, Louis Jordan, Leo G. Carroll, Isobel Elsom, Lester Matthews, John Williams, Edgar Norton and Hitchcock in his usual cameo. Based on Robert Hichen’s novel, it was Hitchcock’s last for Selznick. He went to Warner’s to make ROPE next.

PARADOX WORLD See: THE CALLER

THE PARALLAX VIEW (1974 US) D/P: ALAN J. PAKULA W: DAVID GILER/LORENZO SEMPLE JR./ROBERT TOWNE (uncredited) Troublemaking small time journalist Warren Beatty uncovers a conspiracy behind a senator’s assassination. Based on Loren Singer’s novel, it’s obviously a thinly veiled JFK inspired thriller. Low-key and more effective for it, but difficult to appreciate with fresh eyes nowadays after endless reruns on the same theme. With Hume Cronyn, Bill McKinney, Earl Hindman, Jim Davis and Anthony Zerbe. Conspiracies were everywhere in the 70s, so Semple returned with THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR and Pakula with ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN.

PARALYZED See: SHORT NIGHT OF GLASS DOLLS

PARANOIA (1989) See: BRAIN DEAD

PARANOIA (1998 US) D/W: LARRY BRAND P: ELI KABILLIO Our young female heroine was the only survivor of a house massacre by a psycho Larry Drake (acting uniquely strange as always) when she was a little girl. He gets out on parole and goes after her again in this above average psycho thriller with some surprises. Shame about the occasional pretentious dialogue though. With Sally Kirkland and Scott Valentine.

PARANOID (2000 US) D/W: ASH SMITH P: RON LAVERY University students open a haunted house to raise money during Halloween. A real killer shows up in town. Unbelievably nondescript and deeply dull video shelf filler.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY (2007 US) D/W/P: OREN PELI P: JASON BLUM A young couple use a video camera to document a possible haunting. The “found” footage slowly reveals what happened to them. Post-BLAIR WITCH in style and also in success, it was reportedly made for $15,000 and ended up grossing millions, all because of word-of-mouth. It started by impressing at film festivals, and then went mainstream and global. I caught it in early 2010, Tokyo, in a theatre full of squealing teenage girls, some of whom thought what they saw was real. I find it very difficult to understand what all the fuss is about ([?REC] was much better, for example), but it genuinely seems to have effected many. There were several alternate endings. The most widely seen, theatrical one uses CGI and jars with the realism of the rest of it, but because I think it doesn’t work in the intended fashion anyway, the ending is fine with me, adding a badly needed jolt. Viewers who were impressed seem to prefer the other low-key endings. Apparently the theatrical ending was suggested by Steven Spielberg, proving that sometimes the man knows what he’s talking about. There were sequels.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 (2010 US) D: TODD WILLIAMS W: MICHAEL R. PERRY/CHRISTOPHER B. LANDON/TOM PABST P: JASON BLUM/OREN PELI I’ll concede that the original might have had something for a certain demographic, but this prequel/ sequel is boring beyond belief, with its shock scenes either copied from the original or just plain silly looking. Security cameras record the gradually escalating haunting of a family (with a very nice house). The couple from the first movie are related to them, and turn up here. An alternative Japanese PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2: TOKYO NIGHT (which was no worse to be honest) managed to beat this into theatres in Japan and cleaned-up. An even more boring part three followed in 2011, and I didn’t even bother with part four (2012).

PARAPHILIA See: NIGHT VISION

PARASITE (1982 US) D/P: CHARLES BAND W: ALAN J. ADLER/MICHAEL SHOOB/FRANK LEVERING In some kind of post-nuke future a scientist rides around in an ambulance, arrives at a desert boarding house and tries to find a cure for a parasite monster in his stomach that he helped create for the government. A mean government agent with a laser follows. Luca Bercovici leads a sadistic gang and Demi Moore has an early role as a nice girl who helps. This pathetic ALIEN-inspired sci-fi/horror was originally in 3D, so the parasite (which Stan Winston helped create) leaps at the screen sometimes. With Vivian Blane and Cherie Currie from The Runaways.

PARASITE (1998) See: THE FACULTY

PARASITE: EVE (1997 JPN) D: MASAYUKI OCHIAI W: RYOICHI KIMIZUKA/HIDEAKI SENA Hiroshi Mikami (SWALLOWTAIL BUTTERFLY) is a medical professor researching Mitakondria, a strain of DNA found in every human cell since we were small organisms living in the sea. It can only be transferred by females (the world’s original mother is traced back to Africa). When Mikami’s wife (Riona Hazuki from BLACK ANGEL) ends up in a braindead coma after a car accident, he asks a surgeon removing the glands for a young girl donor to also remove the girl’s liver during the operation. Mikami uses a cell from the liver to try to create new life. Succeeding, the cells multiply at an alarming rate. Turns out that Mitakondria DNA has a memory and wants to be released. It’s a shame that this hit horror movie based on Hideaki Sena’s novel tones down the scares and has such a schmaltzy ending, but like a lot of Japanese medical horror movies of the period it’s pretty fascinating with some legitimate scientific theories. The director had previously worked for tv. With Tomoko Nakajima, Ayako Omura, Goro Inagaki (from idol sensations Smap), Hisako Manda, Tetsuya Bessho, Kenzo Kawarazaki, Noboru Mitami and some good FX.

PARASITE GAME See: WITCHBOARD 3

THE PARASITE MURDERS See: SHIVERS

PARASITES See: TICKS

PARASITE 2000 See: BLOOD

PARASITE WARS See: LETHAL TARGET

PARIS TROUT (1991 US) D: STEPHEN GYLLENHAAL W: PETER DEXTER P: FRANK KONIGSBERG/LARRY SANITSKY It’s not one of his most famous roles, but Dennis Hopper gives one of the performances of his career as a racist storekeeper in 1949 Georgia who shoots a black man. This very effective (and sometimes shocking) tv courtroom drama was based on Dexter’s novel. With Barbara Hershey as Hopper’s abused wife, Ed Harris as an attorney, Ray McKinnon, Tina Lifford, Ed Grady, David Dwyer and Danny Nelson. Hershey was also in Gyllenhaal’s other superior tv movie A KILLING IN A SMALL TOWN (1990), and I also recommend his 1992 drama WATERLAND with Jeremy Irons, Sinead Cusack, Ethan Hawke and Lena Headey, based on Graham Swift’s novel.

THE PARK (chow lok yuen; zhou le yuan) (2003 HK) D/P: ANDREW LAU W: LAW YIU FAI/LUNG WAH SHUM P: JOHN CHONG CHING/LEE MAN FAI Bobo Chan longs to find her missing brother (Edwin Sui), and for this purpose leads a bunch of friends (including Tiffany Lee) to an abandoned, haunted theme park where a kid died years earlier. A camera is used to capture spirits. I appreciate the attempt at a rollercoaster spook show (it’s even in 3D with on-screen “glasses on” prompts), but this isn’t well done (and the 3D sucks). Former kung fu starlet Kara Hui has a part. From the director of the YOUNG AND DANGEROUS series, STORM RIDERS and other hits.

PARTS: THE CLONUS HORROR (the clonus horror) (1978 US) D/W/P: ROBERT S. FIVESON D/P: MICHAEL LEE W/P: MYRL A. SCHREIBMAN W: BOB SULLIVAN/ RON SMITH The director of THE TOOLBOX MURDER’s brother stars as a clone in a specially contained clone farm. He develops independent thought, finds out that he and his friends are destined to die for organ transplants and escapes to inform the outside world. Ahead of its time in some ways, this sci-fi thriller has nice ideas and moments, but is far too clichéd and conventional to generate any excitement. With Dick Sargent, Peter Graves and Keenan Wynn (who has the funniest death scene). The best thing about it was the poster for the effective, deceptive advertising campaign (“the only part they don’t use is the scream”). In 2005, Michael Bay spent a lot more money making the no better THE ISLAND, and was almost sued for plot similarities (it was settled out of court, and the IMDb now officially lists it as a remake).

THE PARTY ANIMAL (1983 CAN) D/W: DAVID BEAIRD D: HARVEY HART (uncredited) W: ALAN C. FOX P: BRYAN ENGLAND/MARK ISRAEL Pondo Sinatra (Matthew Causey) is a desperate virgin raised on a pig farm who arrives in college with the hope of scoring with women. His best friend Studly, a black janitor (Jerry Jones, from Rudy Ray Moore movies) and various women explain what a loser he was as we see a series of comical vignettes showing how he flirted with drugs, transvestism and more in his quest for “pussy”. For some reason this stupid, never-too-funny sex comedy has a small cult following. There’s lots of Buzzcocks and other good stuff on the soundtrack.

PARTY ANIMALS: WILDER GEHT’S NICHT See: VAN WILDER

PARTY AT KITTY AND STUD’S See: ITALIAN STALLION

PARTY 7 (2000 JPN) D/W: KATSUHITO ISHII P: TADAYUKI IZUMI/SHUNSUKE KOGA/KAZUTO TAKITA Tadanobu Asano is a peeping tom who finds his way into the secret peeping room of a remote hotel. There he meets Captain Banana (Yoshia Harada) and they proceed to spy on events taking place inside a hotel room. Masatoshi Nagase (MYSTERY TRAIN) is a yakuza who’s run off with a stash of cash, but this is not just another hip Tarantino-inspired crime movie (like Ishii’s previous SHARK SKIN MAN AND PEACH HIP GIRL), but a pretty original and bizarre comedy. With Keisuke Horibe, Kanji Tsuda and Ren Osugi.

PASSAGE OF THE DRAGON (twins; twins of kung fu) (1981 HK) D/W: “PASAN” (ANG SAAN) D: LAM YEE-HUNG This goofy kung fu movie is almost plotless nonsense, but some of the fighting (choreo-graphed by director Ang Saan) is not bad for those who care about such things. Jacky Liu (from FUNNY KUNG FU) stars, along with Michelle Lai. Jason Pai Piao is a villain. Someone scares people with a monster mask and fangs. Training scenes involve blowdarts to the chest, and whipping cucumbers on sticks! With Hon Gwok-Choi, Dai Sai-Aan, Yue Tau Wan, Lam Kau and young Simon Yam. Top line of dialogue: “He wasn’t a gangster, he was a mong!”

PASSENGER 57 (1992 US) D: KEVIN HOOKS W: DAVID LOUGHERY/DAN GORDON/STEWART RAFFILL P: LEE RICH/DAN PAULSON/DYLAN SELLERS Bruce Payne is a psychotic British terrorist who manages to hijack a jumbo jet passenger plane. Wesley Snipes stars as an airline security anti-terrorist agent who happens to be on-board. With Tom Sizemore, Elizabeth Hurley (who should do evil more often), Robert Hooks (the director’s father), Ernie Lively, Bruce Greenwood, Marc Macaulay, Tom Nowicki and Brett Rice. This minimum violence DIE HARD on a plane is ok.

PASSION FLOWER HOTEL See: BOARDING SCHOOL

PASSION IN THE SUN See: THE GIRL AND THE GEEK

PASSIONLESS MOMENTS See: JANE CAMPION’S SHORT STORIES

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST (2003 US) D/W/P: MEL GIBSON W: BENEDICT FITZGERALD P: BRUCE DAVEY/STEPHEN McEVEETY This must be one of the most pointless, monotonous and laughable major releases in recent years to have received such glowing critical praise in abundance. Basically the story of how Jesus (James Caviezel) was betrayed (the first scene is Judas (Luca Lionello) being paid off) by the Jewish people and his subsequent, torturous journey to the cross. A realistic retelling of events from this point-of-view is not a bad idea (despite overzealous, controversial accusations of Gibson being an anti-Semite). But this swings too far opposite to Hollywood all-star glitz, being filled with broad stereotype cackling Roman guards and sadistic gore that would have been cut from any other film. The endless cycle of Jesus gets beaten, Jesus falls down, Jesus stares at his mother from afar, Jesus gets up, Jesus gets beaten… is not very insightful, and hardly fun to watch. Beautifully shot in Italy with the cast speaking Aramaic, Latin and Hebrew, it goes to show that pretentious nods to authenticity and intellectual eye candy can divert attention from a five page script. With Maria Morgenstern as Mary, Monica Bellucci, Mattia Sbragia, Toni Bertorelli, Hristo Shopov as Pontius Pilate and Claudia Gerini. In better days, Fitzgerald co-wrote WISE BLOOD (197).

PASSION OF THE SUN See: THE GIRL AND THE GEEK

PASTORAL: TO DIE IN THE COUNTRY (denen ni shisu) (1974 JPN) D/W: SHUJI TERAYAMA Here’s a depressing and pretentious surreal childhood fantasy from Terayama, a 50s counterculture poet and 60s screenwriter/experimental filmmaker/playwright who directed features through the 70s until his death in 1983. It’s a symbolic reinterpretation of what it was like to grow up in his childhood home town in Aomori, North Japan (where my in-laws live, incidentally). It’s kind of like a darker shade of Under Milk Wood. Mostly dull, but I liked the circus dwarf with an inflatable wife. At one point Terayama interrupts the film and criticises it. With folk singer Kam Mikami, Yoshio Harada, Isao Kimura, Kaoru Yachigusa and Masumi Harakawa.

PATCHWORK GIRL OF OZ (l. frank baum’s whimsical fantasy tale the patchwork girl of oz; ragged girl of oz; the raggedy girl) (1914 US) D: J. FARRELL McDONALD W/P: L. FRANK BAUM P: LOUIS F. GOTTSCHALK This first entry in a silent trilogy based on Baum’s writings is a real treat. The impossible to follow, utterly surreal story begins when the title girl (made from cloth) is bought to life, but packs in so many weird and wonderful characters that I don’t know where to begin. The bizarre animal costumes demonstrate how low the budget must have been, but you can’t put a price on imagination. Violet MacMillan stars, with Richard Rosson, Bert Glennon, Hal Roach (!), Juanita Hansen, Charles Ruggles and Harold Lloyd as an extra. They even included some great stop-motion FX work. I appreciate the video release’s tinting of the print (which runs just over an hour), but why hire Jacqueline Lovell (HEAD OF THE FAMILY) to read the title cards? It was followed by HIS MAJESTY, THE SCARECROW OF OZ and THE MAGIC CLOAK OF OZ. All are recommended. Even earlier (and probably lost) Oz films were the 1908 THE FAIRYLOGUE AND RADIO-PLAYS (actually a live show, incorporating slides, FX and film clips) and a 1910 series of shorts (THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ, DOROTHY AND THE SCARECROW OF OZ, THE LAND OF OZ and JOHN DOUGH AND THE CHERUB).

PAT GARRETT AND BILLY THE KID (1973 US) D: SAM PECKINPAH W: RUDY WURLITZER P: GORDON CARROLL What at first may seem like a rambling mess (many think it’s Peckinpah’s most self-indulgent project) soon becomes a formidable, violent chunk of raw, brilliant cinema torn fresh from the carcass. James Coburn is Sheriff Garrett, tracking Billy (Kris Kristofferson). No messing, get the uncut version and see a real master at work. Words can’t describe one of the best westerns ever. Monte Hellman developed the story with Wurlitzer (who wrote his TWO LANE BLACKTOP) and almost directed. Bob Dylan’s soundtrack includes Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door. And the cast: Jason Robards, Richard Jaeckel, Wurlitzer, Katy Jurado, Slim Pickens, R.G. Armstrong, Chill Wills, Elisha Cook Jr., Jack Elam, Matt Clark, L.Q. Jones, Dub Taylor, Rita Coolidge, Harry Dean Stanton, Gene Evans, Charles Martin Smith, Barry Sullivan, Paul Fix, John Beck, Richard Bright, Emilio Fernandez, Jeorge Russek, Aurora Cleval, Peckinpah and Dylan. This review refers to a composite of the cinema/video version and the cut tv version with extra (non violent) scenes. Making this just after STRAW DOGS alienated all but Peckipah’s most ardent fans, so his next masterpiece, BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA was criminally underrated.

PATLABOR: THE MOBILE POLICE (kido keisatsu patlabor: the movie) (1990 JPN ANIMATED) D: MAMORU OSHII W: KAZUNORI ITO First fulllength spin-off from a popular animated tv series is pretty boring. A talky tale concerning the hunt for malfunctioning robots. Very little action and a dry storyline. Sequels were better.

PATRICK (1978 AUSL) D/P: RICHARD FRANKLIN W: EVERETT DE ROCHE P: ANTHONY I. GINNANE Patrick (Robert Thompson, who looks like Roger Daltrey in TOMMY) is a traumatised young man who’s been in a coma for four years. He uses electrical psychic energy to try to communicate his love for a new nurse working on his floor in the hospital. Passable little thriller is watchable enough, but don’t expect too much. Music by Brian May! There was an Italian sequel. See also AENIGMA. Franklin also made ROAD GAMES and PSYCHO 2.

THE PATRIOT (scuba battle) (1986 US) D: FRANK HARRIS W: ANDY RUBEN/KATT SHEA RUBEN P: MICHAEL BENNETT Nam vet Gregg Henry goes after terrorists who’ve stolen a missile in this thoroughly underwhelming “action” flick. There’s more talk, politics and underwater diving scenes than anything else. Leslie Nielsen and Michael J. Pollard are both wasted. With Stack Pierce. John Barrrett did some stunts.

THE PATRIOT (1998 US) D: DEAN SEMLER W: M. SUSSMAN/JOHN KINGSWELL P: PATRICK CHOI/NILE NIAMI/STEVEN SEAGAL/HOWARD BALDWIN/JULIUS R. NASSO Seagal is a caring small-town doctor and cowboy with a little daughter and L.Q. Jones for a friend. Some irresponsible survivalists unleash a deadly virus and it’s up to Seagal to try to stop them and find a cure and preach about ecology. Stupid action flick features death by wine glass stem. With Gailard Sartain and Robert Harvey. Based on a book by William Heine called The Last Canadian.

PATRIOT GAMES (1992 US) D: PHILLIP NOYCE W: W. PETER ILIFF/DONALD STEWART P: MACE NEUFELD/ ROBERT REHME Harrison Ford is Jack Ryan in this follow up to THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER, based on Tom Clancy’s books. He becomes a target after he prevents Irish Republican terrorists from assassinating a minor royal in London. So does his family (wife Anne Atcher and little Thora Birch as his daughter). It’s not very interesting but was a hit, so Ford returned as Ryan in CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER. With Patrick Bergin, Sean Bean, Richard Harris, Samuel L. Jackson, James Earl Jones, James Fox, Alex Norton, Hugh Fraser, Alun Armstrong, Pip Torrens, Ted Raimi and Bob Gunton.

EL PATRULLERO See: HIGHWAY PATROLMAN

A PAUCITY OF FLYING DREAMS (i never had a flying dream; tobuyume o shibaraku minai) (1990 JPN) D/W: EIZO SUGAWA P: MASAYA ARAKI Toshiyuki Hosokawa is a middle-aged man who’s been hospitalised. Due to a space shortage he shares a room with a woman screened-off from him. They talk and she asks him to speak erotically while she masturbates. He does. In the morning he finds out that she’s an old woman. After he is discharged she comes to visit him, but she is now considerably younger, in her 40s (played by Eri Ishida). Apparently she is the victim of a disease that reverses the ageing process. Their affair carries on, during which time she gets younger and younger. When she becomes a teenager he’s arrested for child molesting. All of this is a lot less interesting than it sounds. It looks too glossy and has a horrible “late-night jazz” soundtrack. However the final scene in which the woman (now a little girl) comes to visit him and they bathe together is intensely uncomfortable (despite the fact that nothing graphic happens). Some reviews of this film state that Hosokawa and the little girl fuck at the end. This is blatantly untrue and they may be mistaking the film for the book on which it’s based (written by Taeichi Yamada). With Mariko Kaga. It won the Grand Prix at the Brussels International Fantasy Film Festival.

PAYBACK (1999 US) D/W: BRIAN HELGELAND W: TERRY HAYES P: BRUCE DAVEY Mel Gibson tries to act hard-boiled and tough as a cheated criminal who was left for dead. Now he’s back to take on the organisation and get his money back. Based on the same Donald E. Westlake novel that POINT BLANK was, this (like the GET CARTER remake) proves that a big-budget Hollywood flick trying to imitate the grittiness of pre-80s crime gems just isn’t going to work (and Gibson may have once been MAD MAX, but he’s not anymore). With Gregg Henry, David Paymer, Bill Duke, Mario Bello, Deborah Unger, John Glover, Lucy Liu, William Devane, Kris Kristofferson and James Coburn.

PAYCHECK (2003 US) D/P: JOHN WOO W: DEAN GOERGARIS P: JOHN DAVIS/MICHAEL HACKETT/ TERENCE CHANG Whiz-kid computer engineer Ben Affleck accepts a mysterious three-year project from Aaron Eckhart, knowing that his memory of the time will later be wiped for security reasons. He wakes up a hunted man minus the cash he was promised and the owner of an envelope full of seemingly useless junk. It’s another big-budget Philip K. Dick adaptation that Hollywood has seen fit to dilute with lots of action and explosions, but Dick’s potent, paranoid genius can shine through in almost any crap, and with Woo at the helm the slick action is engaging enough that this works as fast-paced above average hokum. Uma Thurman co-stars, with comic relief Paul Giamatti, Colm Feore, Joe Morton, Ivana Milicevic, Fulvio Cecere, John Cassini, Callum Keith Rennie, Michelle Harrison, Dee Jay Jackson, Serge Houde, Krista Allen, David Lewis and Aaron Douglas. The future will look like Vancouver.

PAYOFF (night revenge) (1991 US) D: STUART COOPER W: DAVID WEISBERG/DOUGLAS S. COOK P: ANDREW SUGERMAN/WILLIAM STUART Keith Carradine is an ex-cop who has traumatic flashbacks of when he unwittingly delivered a bomb that killed his parents as a kid. John Saxon is the gangster responsible, so Carradine plans to rob his casino in Lake Tahoe as part of his revenge plot. Saxon submitting to a transvestite dominatrix (on videotape) is a plot device in this overlong (almost two hours), light thriller. With Kim Griest, Harry Dean Stanton, Jeff Corey, Alan Blumenfeld, Stephen E. Miller, Tom Heaton, Alan C. Peterson, John Cassini, Dave Ward and Joshua Jackson. Based on Ronald T. Owen’s novel.

PEACE HOTEL (woh ping faan dim; han ping fan dian) (1995 HK) D/W: WAI KAI FAI W: CHOW YUN FAT In this Chinese western Chow Yun Fat stars as an ex-killer who runs the Peace Hotel, a desert refuge for criminals on the run. Cecilia Yip is the woman who’s killed a gang boss who brings trouble to the hotel. John Woo was the executive producer of this slow-moving and very boring action-drama.

THE PEACEKEEPER (hell bent; red zone) (1997 US CAN) D: FREDERIC FORESTIER W: ROBERT GEOFFRION/ DAN MIRUISH/JAMES H. STEWART P: NICHOLAS CLERMONT Dolph Lundgren stars as a disgraced ex-army official assigned to being President Roy Scheider’s personal nuclear detonator carrier. An ex-Desert Storm soldier and his band of terrorists threaten to blow up Washington with a nuclear missile. They steal Lundgren’s box and blow up Mt. Rushmore. It’s not very exciting, and Lundgren has too many unfunny wisecracks. The best (and silliest) part is a car chase across some rooftops. With Montel Williams, Christopher Heyerdahl, Tim Post, David Francis, Larry Day, Alan Fawcett, Dave Nichols, Chip Chuipka, Roc La Fortune, Gouchy Boy, Serge Houde, Frank Fontaine, Vlasta Vrana, Michael Perron, Mark Camacho, Susan Glover and John Dunn-Hill. This action movie with a title that sounds like the (then current) hit THE PEACEMAKER was lensed in Quebec. Scheider also played the President in EXECUTIVE TARGET.

THE PEACE KILLERS (1971 US) D: DOUGLAS SCHWARTZ W: MICHAEL BERK/DINA MADDOX W/P: JOEL B. MICHAELS This surprisingly engaging exploitation cheapie manages to mix biker, hippy and blaxploitation elements into a fine grindhouse brew. Michael Ontkean protects his sister who ran away from a ruthless, sadistic biker gang to live with him at a peace’n’love commune. But the gang figure out where she’s hiding and come to stomp on some hippy heads to look for her (and, of course, the obligatory gang-rape). Ontkean convinces the reluctant hippies to fight back, with the help of an all-black biker gang led by a woman. In one scene a hippy is mockingly hanged on a big peace symbol.

PEACE VIRUS See: TERMINAL ERROR

PEACOCK (psycho: rebirth) (2009 US) D/W: MICHAEL LANDER P: BARRY MENDEL Cillian Murphy is a timid small-town Nebraskan bank clerk (in the early 50s?), secretly a schizophrenic transvestite who becomes his “wife” in the privacy of his own home. His secret life is threatened after a train carriage de-rails in his back garden, and the event is used as a topic of debate during a local election campaign. Murphy is excellent in the role, and this is a very interesting, low-key psychological drama with some surprises. Ellen Page (in the high-profile major hit INCEPTION with Murphy the following year) co-stars, with Susan Sarandon, Bill Pullman, Keith Carradine and Josh Lucas. Brian Reitzell provides a fine score.

PEACOCK KING (peacock prince; legend of the phoenix; kujaku-o; kong qiao wang zi; hung cheuk wong ji) (1988 HK JPN) D: LAM NGAI KAI W: IZO HASHIMOTO/KAZUTERU SEKIZUME/EDWARD TANG/ WOI SUET LAI/HONG KEUNG SAN P: MASAYA KAWAII/NOBOYUKI MURUOKA/TAKEMITSU SATO Yuen Biao and Hiroshami Kami (SWALLOWTAIL BUTTERFLY) are magical monks battling with evil sorceress Pauline Wong, who’s using the body of an innocent girl (Gloria Yip) as a vessel to raise Hell on Earth (or something like that). It’s based on a Japanese manga by Makoto Hagino (Hashimoto is most famous for adapting AKIRA for the big-screen). Despite the impressive stop-motion monster Wong transforms into, and the giant at the end, it’s fairly boring. With Narumi Yasuda, Liu Chia Hui, Tompei Hida, comedy team Kon to Yamaguchi-kun to Takeda-kun, Eddy Ko, Ken Ogata, Kara Hui, Phillip Kwok and Yuen Bun. Rumour has it that Biao directed some portions himself. Animated versions of this and its sequel (SAGA OF THE PHOENIX) also exist. The director is much better represented with wild titles like THE 7TH CURSE and RIKI-OH (another co-production with Japan).

THE PEANUT BUTTER SOLUTION (tales for all 2; contes pourtous 2; operation beurre de pinottes) (1988 CAN) D/W: MICHAEL RUBBO W: VOJTECH JASNY/ ANDRE and LOUIS PELLETIER P: NICOLE ROBERT Surprisingly enjoyable kids’ fantasy has a young boy visiting a haunted house on a dare, and is so frightened his hair falls out. When he puts peanut butter on his head, the hair grows back at an alarming rate. He’s kidnapped by villains who want his hair to make paintbrushes.

THE PEARL OF DEATH (1944 US) D/P: ROY WILLIAM NEILL W: BERTRAM MILLHAUSER In this particularly good entry in the excellent b/w Universal Sherlock Holmes (Basil Rathbone) and Dr. Watson (Nigel Bruce) series, a valuable pearl is stolen from a museum. Holmes (who is sort of responsible for the theft) links the robbery to a series of brutal murders committed by The Creeper (Rondo Hatton!). Great stuff from beginning to end. Suspenseful, witty and, with Hatton providing a horror element, a little bit scary as well. With Dennis Hoey, Evelyn Ankers, Holmes Herbert, Miles Mander, Ian Wolfe, Mary Gordon, Wilson Benge, Billy Bevan, Lillian Bronson, Harry Cording, Al Ferguson, Leyland Hodgson, Laslie Denison, Colin Kenny, David Thursby and Eric Wilton. Followed by THE HOUSE OF FEAR. Hatton played more-or-less the same character in both HOUSE OF HORRORS and THE BRUTE MAN.

PECKER (I love pecker) (1998 US) D/W: JOHN WATERS P: JOHN FIEDLER/MARK TARLOV/MARK A. BAKER Edward Furlong is a Baltimore teen obsessed with taking photographs of his eccentric family and friends. Lili Taylor is a New York society art dealer who discovers him and puts on an exhibition of his work in Manhattan. He’s called a “humane Diane Arbus, with a wonderful streak of kindness” and the fame and pretensions of the art world destroy him. This fun, feelgood comedy (and love letter to Baltimore) is among Waters’ best and as close as he’ll ever get to being Frank Capra. With Christina Ricci, Mary Kay Place, Brendan Sexton III, Martha Plimpton, Mark Joy, Bess Armstrong, Patty Hearst, Susan Lowe, Mink Stole, Cindy Sherman (OFFICE KILLER), Greg Gorman, Mary Vivian Pierce, Emmy Collins, Brigid Berlin, Stacy Keibler and the voice of Waters (“be a good little girl and put your vagina up to the phone”). The soundtrack is the usual great collection of novelty hits (get the soundtrack) and original tracks by Stewart Copeland. I’ve seen it at least 10 times and just typing this makes me feel like putting it on right now. Recommended.

PEDICAB DRIVER (kwan lung fai fung; qun long hu feng) (1990 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG W: BARRY WONG/YUEN GAI CHI P: CHAN POOI WA The trials and tribulations of pedicab drivers Hung and Max Mok form the basis of this action-comedy drama. Unfortunately with stuff about their love lives a major part, the drama and comedy take over the proceedings, with Hung’s always impressively choreographed kung fu relegated to the backseat. However, this does give emotional weight to the final 20 mins, which features some incredible bonecrunching duels. With Liu Chia Liang, Billy Chow, Joh Shum, Meng Hoi, Hsiah Ho, Lam Ching Ying, Yuen Tak, Nina Li Chi, Yuen Suet, Fennie Yuen, Corey Yuen Kwai, Billy Law, Manfred Wong, Alfred Cheung, Peter Chan Lung, Dick Wei, Chung Faat, Eric Tsang, Mai Kei and Fung Ging Man.

PEEPING TOM (face of fear) (1960 UK) D/P: MICHAEL POWELL W: LEO MARKS Karlheinz Boehm is excellent as Mark, a camera obsessed shy young man who works at a London film studio as a focus puller. He also moonlights as a nudie photographer above a newsagent shop and kills women with a pointed leg of his camera tripod (mounted with a mirror to show them their own reflections as they die). Talk about ahead of its time. Mark is also the landlord of a boarding house. Anna Massey lives downstairs with her blind mother and attempts to date the odd, sympathetic Mark. We learn that his father (Powell in old home videos) was a biologist who constantly filmed him as he was growing up, even throwing a lizard into his bed to see his reaction. Needless to say, critics at the time (who even found PSYCHO too much) destroyed the respected Powell’s career overnight with their negative, disgusted reviews. Years later Martin Scorsese (a major fan) arranged for the restored print to be screened and people finally woke up to this voyeuristic classic. “Do you know what the most frightening thing in the world is? It’s fear.” Pamela Green is one of Mark’s models. With Miles Malleson, Brenda Bruce, Esmond Knight, Michael Goodliffe, Nigel Davenport, Jack Watson, Ross Elliott and Trevor Bardette.

THE PEKING MAN (peking genjin: who are you?) (1997 JPN) D: JUNYA SATO W: AKIRA HAYASAKA P: TAN TAKAIWA This begins with a bit of genuine history, explaining how fossils thought to have belonged to the primitive missing link “Peking man” of China were sunk in a Japanese warship during WWII. But scientist Tetsuro Tamba (getting more screentime than usual) has managed to get his hands on the fossils, and conducts zero gravity experiments aboard a space shuttle (!), that result in a family unit of clones (hairy, naked and very ugly man, woman and little boy, who live in a cave in Hawaii). After the initial observations and lab tests, no one thinks that it’s a really stupid idea to unveil them by getting them to compete at a track and field event (!?!), and, of course, they escape (kidnapped in fact, by a Chinese tv crew led by Joey Wang). There’s also a giant mammoth that runs to the rescue across Siberia (!) in very dodgy CGI FX scenes. PEKING MAN is a hilariously awful movie from start to finish. Bad movie fans take note! With Naoto Ogata, Reiko Kataoka, Hirotaro Honda, Kinya Kitaoji, Gajiro Sato and Sho Aikawa. This financial disaster ended Sato’s career.

PENITENTIARY (1979 US) D/W/P: JAMAA FANAKA Leon Isaac Kennedy is new prison inmate Too Sweet Gordone who competes in a prison boxing tournament in this good prison movie. With Chuck Mitchell. Jerry Gross released it.

PENITENTIARY 2 (1982 US) D/W/P: JAMAA FANAKA Leon Isaac Kennedy returns as Too Sweet. This time he’s on parole, working as a messenger on roller skates. His parole officer is also a boxing manager who wants him to fight. After escaped con Half Dead (Ernie Hudson in a role that will surprise people nowadays) kills his girlfriend, he does. Mr. T (before he was in ROCKY 3) trains him. With Rudy Ray Moore, Glynn Turman, Dennis Lipscomb, a horny gambling dwarf, cool music by Jack W. Wheaton and Gordon Parks, and a STAR WARS type prologue to read. It’s on a par with the original. Both are fun to watch, but nothing could prepare you for part 3.

PENITENTIARY 3 (1987 US) D/W/P: JAMAA FANAKA This is different. Kennedy returns to prison which is run by weird wealthy inmate Anthony Geary. Raymond Kessler (aka The Haiti Kid) is the Midnight Thud, a crazed martial arts fighting midget who smokes crack while watching 16mm films in the dungeon. Kessler suddenly turns normal towards the end of the film and trains Kennedy for the big prison fight (and gives a lecture about the soul of man). With George Payne and Danny Trejo. This weird end to the PENITENTIARY series is highly recommended.

PENN AND TELLER GET KILLED (dead funny) (1989 US) D/P: ARTHUR PENN W: PENN JILETTE/ TELLER Bad-taste comedy-magicians Penn Jilette and Teller end up being stalked after they mention how exciting it would be if someone was trying to kill them. Failed attempt at an offbeat cult comedy thriller is not particularly funny or exciting. But it was nice to see the underappreciated David Patrick Kelley in a sizable role. With James Randi, Jon Cryer and Tom Sizemore in a bit-part.

PENTAGRAM See: THE FIRST POWER

PEOPLE IN THE WOODS (1993 US) D: HUGH PARKS A woman kills a male stripper who gets rough with her during sex. Her sister helps her get rid of the body in the woods where they plan to start a new life. The sister is killed, Hayland steals some money and hides out from the police. She ends up with a hippy traveller cult that worship the woods, and as a sacrifice to the trees. This ridiculous movie takes some unpredictable turns, but is still very, very dull. Sarah Bellmono (from porno) has a part.

THE PEOPLE THAT TIME FORGOT (1977 UK) D: KEVIN CONNOR W: PATRICK TILLEY P: JOHN DARK/ MAX ROSENBERG Sequel to Amicus’ THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT (after Edgar Rice Burroughs) stars Patrick Wayne as the head of an expedition to rescue Doug McClure (of the first movie) from a lost continent filled with stop-motion prehistoric beasts (we don’t get to see many of them) and hostile cave people (including Dana Gillespie) who live in a skullshaped mountain. The fantasy is tired, and the characters (including heroine Sarah Douglas, kindly old professor-type Thorley Walters and unfunny comic relief pilot Shane Rimmer) are all equally dull and shop-worn. It was shot on the Canary Islands. With Dave Prowse, wrestler Milton Reid and Kiran Shah. CREATURES THE WORLD FORGOT dispensed with the dinosaurs.

THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS (1991 US) D/W: WES CRAVEN P: MARIANNE MADDELENA/ STUART M. BESSER A ghetto kid named Fool (Brandon Adams) goes with older Ving Rhames to break into a big old house owned by rich weirdo Everett McGill and his wife (the same performers were also acting as a couple in TWIN PEAKS at the time). The horrible, decadent, uncaring couple’s house is a completely illogical network of secret tunnels and traps, with McGill chasing intruders around with a shotgun while dressed in a rubber bondage suit. They also terrorise a teen girl (A.J. Langer) and keep tongueless slaves locked in a basement. Politically charged and cartoonish horror comedy from Craven somehow manages to be a very enjoyable mess. With Sean Whalen, Bill Cobbs and Nic Cramer.

THE PEOPLE VS. LARRY FLYNT (larry flynt) (1996 US CAN) D: MILOS FORMAN W: SCOTT ALEXANDER/ LARRY KARASZEWSKI P: OLIVER STONE/JANET YANG/MICHAEL HASSMEN Despite being a little preachy in parts, this biopic is excellent and well worth seeing. Woody Harrelson is surprisingly good as the infamous Hustler magazine publisher and defender of first amendment free speech, a fight that cost him many years in prisons and a mental institution. Starting in the early 70s when Hustler was a newsletter for his chain of strip clubs (after a brief prologue about his childhood down-South in the 50s), the tale told here reaches its end just after the Flynt vs Jerry Falwell Supreme Court hearing. Courtney Love is his wife and Edward Norton is their faithful lawyer. With Crispin Glover as Arlo, Vincent Schiavelli, James Cromwell, Jan Triska, Mike Pniewski, Oliver Reed, David Dwyer, Emmy Collins, Kiki D’Aire and Flynt himself as a Cincinnati judge. Sure it plays around with facts and characters are a little black and white, but it doesn’t stop it being intelligent and entertaining (even if you hate Hustler, or other Flynt publications). Just don’t expect objectivity. Forman made another biopic (MAN ON THE MOON [1999], about Andy Kaufman) next.

PERCY (1971 UK) D: RALPH THOMAS W: HUGH LEONARD/TERENCE FEELY P: BETSY BOX I’m a bit of a fan of silly “cor blimey” Brit sex comedies from the 70s, but this one’s fairly pathetic (and was a hit). Hywel Bennett receives an anonymous penis transplant, so sets out to find the donor. Denhom Elliott has one of his stupidest roles as a double-entendre obsessed doctor (but is still likeable as ever). With Sue Lloyd, Graham Crowden, T.P. McKenna, Tony Haygarth, George Best and (in the main sellingpoint nowadays) topless bits from Britt Ekland and Elke Sommer. Trivia time: it’s based on a novel by Raymond Hitchcock, who is the father of musician Robyn Hitchcock.

PERDITA DURANGO (dance with the devil) (1997 SPN MEX US) D/W: ALEX DE LA IGLESIA W: BARRY GIFFORD/JORGE GUERRICAECHVARRÍA/DAVID TRUGBA P: ANDREW VINCENT GOMEZ Rosie Perez stars as Perdita Durango, a tough woman looking for kicks who hangs out at the Tex-Mex border. She meets bank robbing drug-dealer Javier Bardem who convinces her to help him escort a truck full of foetuses to a cosmetics company in Las Vegas (for gangster Don Stroud, with “crazy eyes”). They also kidnap two “gringo” teenagers (Harley Cross and Aimee Graham) to sacrifice at Bardem’s wild sangria ceremonies. This unusual black comedy thriller has lots of references to other movies, but stands up on its own easily. Screamin’ Jay Hawkins is Bardem’s assistant, James Gandolfini has a a good part as a DEA agent and Alex Cox is here, too. With Demian Bichir, Santiago Segura and Gerardo Zepeda. Gifford (who wrote WILD AT HEART and LOST HIGHWAY for David Lynch) adapted the screenplay from his novel. Simon Boswell’s soundtrack is very good and Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass are used for good comic effect. De La Igelsia made ACCION MUTANTE (1993) and DAY OF THE BEAST (1995).

PERFECT ASSASSINS See: A BREED APART (1998)

PERFECT BLUE (1997 ANIMATED JPN) D: SATOSHI KON W: SADAYUKI MURAI P: HIROAKI INOUE/ MASAO MARUYAMA Mimarin is the lead singer of idol pop-trio Cham. They’re not so popular but have a loyal fan base. A little too loyal, hecklers end up dead. When Mimarin decides to become an actress, the fans feel cheated. One psycho in particular tries to kill the “new” Mimarin to protect the “real” one. The killer’s identity is pretty easy to guess in this clichéd thriller that isn’t even enlivened by its animation. A waste of time. There was a different but failed live action remake in 2002.

THE PERFECT CRIME (indagine su un delitto perfetto) (1979 ITL) D/W: “AARON LEVIATHAN” (GIUSEPPE ROSATI) Candidates for the post of president in a successful international business are being killed off by someone who really wants the position. Everyone in this not very exciting murder mystery seems to have something to hide, and the surprise ending doesn’t really come as much of a surprise. Good cast though: Alida Valli, Janet Agren, Adolfo Celi, Joseph Cotten, Tom Felleghy, Paul Muller, Anthony Steel, Gloria Guida, Franco Ressel and Caludio Gora. I read somewhere that it has been touted as an Argento-style giallo, which is very misleading. [Illus.]

PERFECT EDUCATION (kanzen naru shiiku) (1999 JPN) D: BEN WADA W: KANETO SHINDO P: NORIO WATANABE Shindo (director of 60s classic ONIBABA) adapted the screenplay from a novel by Michiko Matsuda. Naoto Takenaka (RAMPO) is a rapist who kidnaps schoolgirl Hijiri Kojima. He wants to train her to give him “perfect love”. She ends up enjoying her captivity and a love affair blossoms. It’s not bad, but can’t hold a candle to classic “pink eiga” that had similar themes. With Saiko Ishii, Takejo Aki, Eriko Watanabe, Kazuki Kitamura, Guts Ishimatzu and (very briefly, seen sweeping the floor) Shigeru Imizue (the “Japanese Bob Dylan” and director of DEATH POWDER). It was a massive hit, so several sequels/remakes followed.

PERFECT EDUCATION 2: 40 DAYS OF LOVE (kanzen naru shiiku: ai no yon ju nichi) (2001 JPN) D: YOICHI NISHIYAMA W: GEN SHIMADA P: SHIGEJI MAEDA/FUTOSHI NISHIMURA Model Rie Fukami (who’s cute and buxom) relates her tale of captivity to counsellor Naoto Takenaka (the kidnapper in the original film). The lonely schoolgirl soon becomes a willing lover to her salaryman captor in a good erotic drama (simpler but much better than the original) that works as more than just wish fulfillment fantasy, but also turned me on, too. By my count PERFECT EDUCATION: MAID FOR YOU (2010) was the seventh instalment.

PERFECT FRIDAY (1970 UK) D: PETER HALL W: SCOTT FORBES/ANTHONY GREVILLE-BELL P: JACK SMITH Stanley Baker is an assistant bank manager with a sheltered existence who decides to con wealthy layabouts David Warner and Ursula Andress into helping him rob his own bank. Likeable caper is never too exciting, but diverting enough in its own way. Warner is particularly amusing as a spoilt rich kid.

THE PERFECT MURDER (1988 IND UK) D/W: ZAFAR HAI W: H.R.F. KEATING P: WAHID CHOWHAN/ISMAIL MERCHANT Naseerudin Shah is an overworked, put-upon CID detective in Bombay trying to solve the attempted murder of a fat aristocrat’s secretary, bust a diamond smuggling ring and other cases while showing around a visiting detective from Sweden (Stellan Skarsgard). As you’d expect from a Merchant Ivory production, it ha some interesting local colour, but is a dull drama with lots of light comic relief. Based on Keating’s novel. With Amjad Khan, Dalip Tahil, Vijukhote and Johnny Walker.

PERFECT PREY See: WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS 2

PERFECT STRANGERS (blind alley) (1984 US) D/W: LARRY COHEN P: PAUL KURTA Matthew Stockley is the three-year-old son of Anne Carlisle (from LIQUID SKY) who’s unknowingly witnessed a gangster hit in an alley. The assassin has an affair with Carlisle (who has a good topless scene) so he can get to the child. Suspenseful stuff, this quickie from Cohen (filmed back to back with SPECIAL EFFECTS) is one of his best and is better than WITNESS (1985) or tv movie copy DANGEROUS AFFECTION (1987). The NYC East Village location work is an asset. With Stephen Lack, Ann Magnuson and Danielle.

PERFORMANCE (1969 UK) D/W: DONALD CAMMELL D: NICOLAS ROEG P: SANFORD LIEBERSON James Fox is Chas, a dapper London gangster working for Harry Flowers (Johnny Shannon). Pissing off his employer and in fear for his life, Chas hears of a basement room going spare at the townhouse of reclusive musician Turner (Mick Jagger in his first acting turn, more or less playing Brian Jones), and hides out there. Inside the world of this “peculiar hermit”, not to mention Anita Pallenberg and Michele Breton, Fox seems to lose his identity amidst a fag-end swinging 60s-gone-sour kaleidoscope of casual sex, artistic ennui and mushrooms. Warner Bros hated the original cut (it was shot in 1968) and sat on it, eventually being released after some drastic editing (Frank Mazzola was responsible for the rapid-fire montages). Oddly enough, the disjointed result on top of a already surreal and devil-may-care approach to continuity and the traditional cinematic narrative only enhances the experience, and PERFORMANCE is among a handful of experimental cult movies of the period that still holds up very well (intentionally or not). The first part is amongst the best of British gangster cinema, offbeat, very funny and ahead of its time in parodying gangland figures in a way that makes more recent geezer flicks seem very out of touch and retrograde (the car corrosion/head shaving scene is a classic). The rest is engagingly puzzling rather than tediously pretentious, and bang on the money as a pop culture testament of its time. The killer soundtrack has some experimental noodling from Jack Nitzsche, input from Ry Cooder, Randy Newman and Buffy Saint-Marie, Mick Jagger performing Memo From Turner and the amazing Wake Up Nigger by The Last Poets (speaking of ahead-of-their-time). Note the references to Jorge Louis Borges, the Mars bars on the doorstep and the appearance of David Litvinoff (that’s the guy with no chin), an “advisor” who had dealings with the Krays. It was the first film directed by both visionary directors: Cammell had previously written DUFFY and THE TOUCHABLES (both 68); Roeg had worked as a cameraman and cinematographer since the early 50s. Roeg’s next was WALKABOUT; Cammell’s was DEMON SEED. Jagger went on to play NED KELLY (which got into theatres before this). By the time PERFORMANCE was released, Brian Jones was dead (see 2005’s STONED for more). Put it on a double bill with GIMME SHELTER.

PERILS FROM THE PLANET MONGO See: FLASH GORDON CONQUERS THE UNIVERSE

THE PERILS OF GWENDOLINE IN THE LAND OF YIK YAK See: GWENDOLINE

THE PERSECUTION AND ASSASSINATION OF JEAN-PAUL MARAT AS PERFORMED BY THE INMATES OF THE ASYLUM OF CHARENTON UNDER THE DIRECTION OF THE MARQUIS DE SADE See: MARAT/SADE

PERSONAL CHOICE See: BEYOND THE STARS

PERVERSION STORY (one on top of the other; una historia sull ‘altra; una historia perversa; una sull ‘altra) (1969 ITL FRA SPN) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: ROBERTO GIANVITI/José LUIS/MARTINEZ MOLLA P: EDMONDO ANTI Early Fulci giallo is not bad and features location work in the actual San Quentin gas chamber. Jean Sorel is the doctor who may have killed his wife Marisa Mell. John Ireland investigates. With Elsa Martinelli, Alberto de Mendoza, Georges Rigaud, Giuseppe Addobbati, Riccardo Cucciola, Jesus Puente, Franco Balducci, Felix Dafauce, Bobby Rhodes (later in DEMONS) and Fulci. I dig Gianni Ferrio’s score, too.

PETER BENCHLEY’S CREATURE (d.n.a. 3) (1998 US) D: STUART GILLARD W: ROCKNE S. O’BANNON P: BRENT KARL CLACKSON This ridiculous yet dull made for tv JAWS rip-off based on a (surprisingly enjoyable) book by Peter Benchley stars Craig T. Nelson, busy trying to warn authorities about a genetically engineered killer shark monster that can walk on land. The plot has similarities to PROTEUS. With Kim Cattrall, Colm Feore, Cress Williams, Matthew Carey, Giancarlo Esposito, Blu Mankuma, Antoni Corone, Rick Ravasello and Benchley himself. O’Bannon was also co-producer.

PETEY WHEATSTRAW: THE DEVIL’S SON-IN-LAW (1977 US) D/W: CLIFF ROQUEMORE P: THEODORE TONEY Here’s a supernatural spin on DOLEMITE. Rudy Ray Moore stars as Petey Wheatstraw, who’s planning to play a gig in a club at the same time rival club owners Leroy and Skillet plan to play theirs in order to pay the mob back a debt. After he refuses to cancel his show, Wheatstraw’s friends and family are gunned down at a funeral. The Devil offers Wheatstraw the opportunity to turn back the clock, but he has to marry the Devil’s daughter in return. Don’t expect subtle wit (a guy shitting himself is a big joke), but if you enjoyed Rudy Ray Moore’s other crazed jive-ass motherfucking films, then you should dig this, especially the surprise ending. With Jimmy Lynch, Steve Wildman, Lady Reed and Sy Richardson. Peetie Wheatstraw (1902–41, real name William Bunch) was an influential blues musician whose recordings should be sought.

PET SEMETARY (1989 US) D: MARY LAMBERT W: STEPHEN KING P: RICHARD P. RUBINSTEIN Here’s another dumb horror movie made with Stephen King’s blessing. Dale Midkiff and Denise Crosby are stupid enough to move into a new house next to a busy road where big trucks speed by, despite the fact that they have two little kids who like running around. Fred Gwynne is a friendly neighbour who tells Midkiff of an ancient Indian burial ground. After their dead cat is buried there it comes back as a violent zombie with glowing eyes. So obviously (!) when their little boy is hit by a truck he’s buried there, too. When he returns he’s not at all scary, and pretty laughable. The helpful ghost idea sucks as well, and the spinal meningitis scenes and fight-at-a-funeral-that-knocks-a-casket-over scene seem unnecessarily unpleasant. King wrote the novel it’s based on and appears in a bit-part. The Ramones supply a (good) theme song, and their Sheena Is A Punk Rocker is heard.

PET SEMATARY 2 (1992 US) D: MARY LAMBERT W: RICHARD OUTTEN P: RALPH S. SINGLETON After seeing his mom electrocuted on a movie set, Edward Furlong moves to Maine with his veterinarian dad Anthony Edwards. The same Indian burial ground is still causing dead animals and humans (including sheriff Clancy Brown) to come back. Steve Johnson provided FX for this sequel which is in some ways better and some ways worse. Overall it’s just as stupid and bad as the original. With Robert Easton and Darlanne Fluegel.

PHANTASM (the never dead) (1979 US) D/W/P: DON COSCARELLI A. Michael Baldwin is a kid who discovers a weird conspiracy helmed by The Tall Man (Angus Scrimm) from his huge, ornate mausoleum. Impossible to describe, this unique, underrated sci-fi/horror is most famous for the deadly flying silver spheres that drill into people’s heads. There’s also an army of mysterious hooded dwarfs. With Reggie Bannister. Great stuff. Lame sequels (known as THE NEVER DEAD series in Australia) failed to explain anything.

PHANTASM II (the never dead 2) (1988 US) D/W: DON COSCARELLI P: ROBERTO A. QUEZADA James Le Gros replaces Mike Baldwin in this inferior but relatively interesting sequel (more so than later entries). Bannister and Scrimm return, and some footage from the wonderful original is used. The spheres are a little more complex, and there’s more all-out action this time around. With Samantha Phillips, plus Phil Fondacaro and Ed Gale as hooded dwarfs.

PHANTASM 3: LORD OF THE DEAD (the never dead 3) (1994 US) D/W/P: DON COSCARELLI Coscarelli continues in his quest to utterly confuse viewers with this unique (but quickly getting tiresome) series. Reggie Bannister (who turns out to be a dirty old man) continues to track down Scrimm, who’s gradually wiping out the state of Idaho town-by-town. A. Michael Baldwin returns from the classic original but isn’t in it much. A woman and a kid also help out, but I lost interest half-way through. With Samantha Phillips, ill-advised comic relief and lots of footage from previous entries as flashbacks.

PHANTASM OBLIVION (phantasm 4; the never dead 4) (1998 US) D/W/P: DON COSCARELLI It’s another lame, confusing continuation of the once intriguing concept. Baldwin, Bannister and Scrimm return, with Roger Avary. Lots of footage from the previous entries is used. The words “what the fuck?” may come to mind, especially when tuning forks are used as weapons.

PHANTOM (keizoku) (1999 JPN) D: YUKIHIRO TSUTSUMI W: YUMIE NISHIOGI P: HIROKI UWEDA This is a feature-length tv movie spin-off from a popular Japanese tv series. A comedy-drama with supernatural or weird elements about a bumbling group of police detectives investigating unexplained crimes. It’s unfunny, overstylised and highly irritating. With Miki Nakatani, Atsuroo Watanabe, Sarina Suzuki, Yu Tokui, Toooru Tezuka, Shigueru Izumiya (DEATH POWDER) and Raita Ryu. BEAUTIFUL DREAMER was the hit big-screen follow up.

PHANTOM BROTHER (1988 US) D/P: WILLIAM SZARKA W: JOSEPH SANTI You’d be hard-pushed to find a comedy less funny than this awful shot-on-video horror spoof. A guy lives in an abandoned old house while demented members of his family that didn’t die in a car crash kill people. With unconvincing gore, an annoying synth score and a “surprise” ending. Szarka earlier made SOUTH BRONX HEROES.

THE PHANTOM CREEPS (the shadow creeps) (1939 US) D: FORD BEEBE/SAUL A. GOODKIND W: GEORGE PLYMPTON/BASIL DICKEY/MILDRED BARISH/WILLIS COOPER The first time we see villain Bela Lugosi in this b/w 12-part cliffhanger serial he sports a beard and is carrying a skull around. He soon shaves though after hero Robert Kent discovers his hideout. Bela has special discs that can cause suspended animation when one of his little mechanical spiders crawls too close to them! He also uses an invisibility belt and a death ray as he and his assistant Monk (Jack C. Smith) try to rule the world. But the best thing about this mediocre serial is Bela’s seriously cool, tall robot with a snarling (!) face (Ed Wolff, who was also THE COLOSSUS OF NEW YORK). It’s worth catching at least one chapter just to see it. With Regis Toomey, Dorothy Arnold, Edwin Stanley, Edward Van Sloan, Ray Barcroft, Dora Clement, Monte Vandergrift, Frank Mayo, Jim Farley, Eddie Acuff, Lee J. Cobb, Eddie Dunn, Karl Hackett, Charles King, Reed Howes, Al Bridge, Lane Chandler, Edmund Cobb, Forrest Taylor, Pat O’Malley, David Sharpe and Tom Steele.

PHANTOM FIEND (1961) See: THE RETURN OF. DR. MABUSE

PHANTOM FROM SPACE (1953 US) D/P: W. LEE WILDER W: BILL RAYNOR/MYLES WILDER/ALEX WELDON (uncredited) A narrator informs us of a UFO that’s being sighted over America. It eventually crashes and there’s a complete communications blackout in that part of the country. There’s an invisible alien who sometimes has to wear a helmet to breathe in this uneventful sci-fi bore from Billy Wilder’s brother. With Jim Bannon, Michael Mark, Harry Strang, Rudolph Anders, James Seay and Steve Clark. Not to be confused with the director’s much more entertaining KILLERS FROM SPACE.

PHANTOM FROM 10,000 LEAGUES (1956 US) D/P: DAN MILNER W: LOU RUSOFF/DORYS LUKATHER P: JACK MILNER Kent Taylor stars in this minimal 60 mins+ release from ARC (soon to become AIP). It involves a “death ray” and a radioactive beast that guards it (a man in a typically odd Paul Blaisdell fish monster suit). It’s exactly what you’d expect (talk, talk, talk, monster, talk, talk, talk…) but I found it oddly engaging. With Cathy Downs, Philip Pine and Pierce Lyden. The Milner’s returned with the more necessary, mind-boggling FROM HELL IT CAME.

THE PHANTOM KILLER See: INVISIBLE GHOST

THE PHANTOM KUNG FU (yau leng san gung; you ling shen; mantis in the monkey’s shadow; these hands destroy)(1979 TAI) D: LEE TSO NAM W: LIU SUNG PIE/CHANG CHIEN CHI P: HUANG FENG Chang Yi is the Ching villain whose mission is to get some documents from Ming dynasty rebels. Don Wong Tao is a ghostly seeming rival who torments him. There’s some nice choreography (by Ming Tzu) and little touches, but this kung fu film is not really worth watching. With Tommy Lee, Wilson Tong, Ma Cheung, Lee Kwan, Lung Fong (aka Jimmy Lee) and Shih Ting Ken.

PHANTOM OF CHINATOWN (1940 US) D: PHIL ROSEN W: “JOSEPH WEST” (GEORGE WAGGNER) P: PAUL MALVEN After five entries with a Caucasian in makeup, a genuine Asian (Keye Luke) finally got to play Mr. Wong for the last movie in the series. That makes it of historical interest, but it’s not actually very good. Charles F. Miller ends up dead after showing footage of his Mongolian expedition. Luke and police captain Grant Withers turn up to investigate. Standard b/w hour-long mystery from Monogram with some early postmodern touches. Rosen is credited with having directed 144 films in his lifetime.

THE PHANTOM OF LIBERTY (le fantome de la liberte; il fantasma della liberta) (1974 FRA ITL) D/W: LUIS BUÑUEL W: JEAN-CLAUDE CARRIERE P: SERGE SILBERMAN Buñuel’s penultimate film is nothing more than a series of unconnected, surreal set pieces as opposed to a main narrative drive. Only Buñuel could avoid the pretentious, nonsensical pitfalls of such an experiment and deliver a witty, absurdist masterpiece that makes you think more than a dozen blunt “message” movies. And it’s not even one of his best! With Jean-Claude Brialy, Adolfo Celi, Paul Frankeur, Michael Lonsdale, Francois Maistre, Michael Piccoli, Claude Pieplu, Jean Rochefort, Bernard Verley, Milena Vukotic, Monica Vitti, Paul Le Person, Bernard Musson, Marcel Peres, Marie-France Pisier and Buñuel (who ended his career with THAT OBSCURE OBJECT OF DESIRE).

PHANTOM OF SOHO (das phantom von soho) (1964 W.GER) D: FRANZ JOSEF GOTTLIEB W: LADISLAS FODOR P: ARTHUR BRAUNER A killer wearing shiny gold gloves stabs patrons of a London Soho strip club/warehouse in this b/w Bryan Edgar Wallace adaptation (the director made six Wallace movies in 63/4). The investigating detectives often have droll, darkly comic dialogue and the surprise ending is quite the shock. Not bad actually. With Dieter Borsche, Barbara Rutting, Hans Sohnker, Peter Vogel, Werner Peters, Hans Nielsen, Elisabeth Flickenschildt, Stanislav Ledinek and Otto Waldis.

PHANTOM OF TERROR See: THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE

PHANTOM OF THE CIRCUS See: CIRCUS OF HORRORS

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (1925 US) D: RUPERT JULIAN/EDWARD SEDGWICK/LON CHANEY/ ERNST LAEMMLE W: ELLIOT J. CLAWSON/FRANK M. McCORMACK/RAYMOND L. SCHROCK P: CARL LAEMMLE Chaney stars (in great scary makeup) in the original (and still the best) silent film version of Gaston Leroux’s novel. It’s aged fantastically well. The unmasking scene is still great, and the climactic chase is wonderful (and reminiscent of old serials). Julian was replaced during production by Sedgwick, and Chaney directed himself in many scenes. Various running times exist all over the world, and you can choose between b/w, tinted and versions with the incredible hand painted ballroom sequence (there’s also a version with an added voice-over at the beginning). Of course seeing the full 114 mins version is great (and the shorter 1929 tinted reissue is nice, too), but don’t stall seeing this classic just to wait for a definitive print, in any version it’s great fun. With Mary Philbin, Norman Kerry, Gibson Gowland, Arthur Edmund Carewe, John St. Polis, Snitz Edwards, Virginia Pearson, Joesph Belmont, Edward Cecil, William Humphrey Vale and those great Maurice Tourneur sets.

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (1943 US) D: ARTHUR LUBIN W: ERIC TAYLOR/SAMUEL HOFFENSTEIN/ HANS JACOBY (uncredited) P: GEORGE WAGGONER This Technicolor remake is not bad, but seems very tame when compared to the Lon Chaney classic. The story follows dismissed orchestra violinist and amateur composer Claude Rains from his smitten, nice guy idealist days through to being an acid scarred maniac. His make up is pretty minimal and not at all scary (in fact Rains seems miscast as the phantom), Susanna Foster is the opera understudy heroine. With Nelson Eddy, Leo Carrillo, Edgar Barrier, Hume Cronyn, J. Edward Bromberg, Fritz Feld, Frank Puglia, Steven Geray, Barabara Everest, Fritz Leiber, Gladys Blake, Miles Mander, Paul Marion, Stanley Blystone, Wheaton Chambers, Lane Chandler, Edward Clark, Cyril Delevanti, William Desmond, Hank Mann, Alphonse Martel and Belle Mitchell. Foster returned in Waggoner’s Boris Karloff vehicle follow up THE CLIMAX the following year. Prior to the Hammer studios remake, there was an Argentinian tv miniseries adaption of Gaston Leroux’s novel in 1960.

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (1962 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W/P: “JOHN ELDER” (ANTHONY HINDS) Hammer covers another horror standard with Herbert Lom as the scarred sewer-dwelling phantom with a faceless one-eyed mask. Heather Sears is the object of his misplaced affection. Michael Gough is suitably weaselly as the lecherous “playwright” who stole Lom’s work. Patrick Troughton appears as a rat catcher, a character later expanded for Dario Argento’s version of the story, and Michael Ripper wears strange makeup as a coach driver. All-in-all it’s a decent retelling, but lacks spice or a new angle. With Thorley Walters, Miles Malleson, Marne Maitland and Ian Wilson.

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (il fantasma dell’opera) (1998 ITL HUN) D/W: DARIO ARGENTO W: GERARD BRACH P: GIUSEPPE COLUMBO/ARON SIPOS Julian Sands is a non-scarred, long-haired phantom in this nutty yet dull version of Gaston Leroux’s novel that mixes in elements of WILLARD. He was raised in the catacombs by rats and kills people in gory ways. Asia Argento is the opera star’s understudy, who he loves and with whom he has a psychic link. Other characters include a little girlchasing paedophile opera house owner and a rat catcher (and his dwarf assistant Sandor Bese) who build a rat vacuum’n’kill machine they drive around in (the best part of the film). The Italian supporting cast must have learnt their English dialogue phonetically as the delivery is terrible and completely ruins the black comedy angle (which is crap anyway). With Andre Di Stefano, Massimo Carchielli and Denes Vjlaky. Claudio Argento was the executive producer.

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA 2 See: DANCE MACABRE

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA: THE MOTION PICTURE (1989 US) D: DWIGHT H. LITTLE W: DUKE SANDEFUR/GERRY O’HARA (uncredited) P: HARRY ALAN TOWERS In this gory (it was cut for an R) update, drama and arts student Jill Schoelen gets a bang on the head during a NYC audition and wakes up in 19th century London where she’s the understudy the phantom (Robert Englund) dotes on. Englund wisecracks, skins victims alive, patches his face with their skin, uses a whip in a street fight, sleeps with hookers and puts a decapitated head in a soup bowl during the masked ball scene. It’s engaging but not very good. With Molly Shannon, Yehuda Efroni and John Buechler was the FX supervisor. It was filmed in Budapest for executive producer Menahem Golan’s 21st Century.

PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE (1974 US) D/W: BRIAN De PALMA P: EDWARD R. PRESSMAN A talented Elton John-style songwriter/singer has his music stolen by Swan (Paul Williams), an evil, eternally young rock music label giant who’s made a deal with the Devil to keep his youthful face (which is actually quite scary) while his portrait ages (like Dorian Gray). The songwriter is ignored, beaten up, has his face mangled in a record pressing plant and left for dead while Williams (who wrote the excellent spoof music) fucks the love of his life (Jessica Harper), a would be rockstar with a great voice who’s discarded as the performer of Faust Pt. 2 rock opera in favour of Beef, a KISS-style band with camp Gerrit Graham as the Frankenstein monster-look lead singer. The wronged composer of Faust returns as the masked phantom (with voice FX box) who sells his soul to Williams and kills when Harper is not the star of the show. Williams also monitors everything audio and visually just like Dr. Mabuse. This inventive musical comedy horror is lots of fun to a point, but as usual De Palma can’t “sustain” like his idol Hitchcock can. It’s worth a look though. Jack Fisk (ERASERHEAD) was the cinematographer and there’s some use of split-screen (like in SISTERS and CARRIE). My favourite part is when The Beach Bums perform (“Carburetors man! That’s what life’s all about”).

PHANTOM OF THE RUE MORGUE (1954 US) D: ROY DEL RUTH W: HAROLD MEDFORD/JAMES R. WEBB P: HENRY BLANKE After the 3D HOUSE OF WAX was a hit, Warner Bros followed with this 3D version of Edgar Allan Poe’s Murders In The Rue Morgue. Steve Forrest is the framed prime suspect in Inspector Claude Dauphine’s investigations into a string of murdered women. Of course most people will know that it’s a conditioned gorilla, this time hypnotised by zoologist Karl Malden. Patricia Medina is the woman in peril. Henry Kulky is a jealous sailor who actually owns Malden’s ape. So-so version is watchable and at least better than the 1971 AIP version. With Allyn Ann McClerie, Anthony Caruso, Rolfe Sedan, Frank Lackteen, George J. Lewis, Paul Brinegar, famous talkshow host Merv Griffin and Charles Gemora as the ape. Gemora wasn’t as busy as say, Ray “Crash” Corrigan, but did appear in over two dozen features (probably more uncredited) in his monkey suit, starting with THE LEOPARD LADY in 1928. He was also the ape in the 1932 MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE.

PHANTOM OF THE THEATRE (the meateater; blood theatre) (1978 US) D/W: DEREK SAVAGE W: GEORGE CALDWELL/DAMON FULLER P: RICHARD TASSE A fed-up travelling shoe salesman moves his wife and teen daughter to a new town and reopens an old movie theatre that was closed down when it started to show “pornography” (CARNAL KNOWLEDGE [1971] is mentioned!). The new owners promise to “play nothing stronger than a G”. A marquee announces “Grizzly Safari — a wholesome movie”. However a vintage movie-loving cannibal who was scarred in a fire hides out there and kidnaps the teen daughter he thinks is Jean Harlow. The only proof that he’s a cannibal is a brief insert of him chewing on some bloody meat (at the beginning). What we get more of is bad acting, unfunny comic relief, a look at an early bat’n’ball home video game and a great cure for insomnia. Savage also edited and thankfully didn’t make anything else.

THE PHANTOM PLANET (1961 US) D/W: WILLIAM MARSHALL W: WILLIAM TELAAK/FRED DEGORTNER W/P: FRED GEBHARDT In this minimal b/w AIP release, an astronaut crash-lands on a moving “phantom planet” that’s been puzzling Earth scientists. Once there he shrinks to the miniature size of the inhabitants, is not allowed to leave and falls in love with a cute mute girl. The reason to watch it is the bizarre, cool Solarite monsters led by Richard Kiel in a suit. With Francis X. Bushman, Anthony Dexter, Coleen Gray, Playmates Marya Carter and Marissa Mather and narration from Marvin Miller. Associate producer Hugo Grimaldi also put Kiel in his THE HUMAN DUPLICATORS.

PHANTOM RANGER (1938 US) D: SAM NEWFIELD W: JOSEPH O’DONNELL/STANLEY ROBERTS P: MAURICE COHN The title of this 53 mins b/w western might put you in mind of the kind of strange gothic westerns found in the Forgotten Horrors series of books (that’s why I watched it). But it is in fact a fairly run of the mill programmer with hero Tim McCoy cracking down on a counterfeit money ring. With Karl Hackett, John St. Polis, Robert Frazer, John Multon, Edward Earle, Harry Strang, Charles King, Richard Cramer, Tom London, Jimmy Aubrey, Horace B. Carpenter, Herman Hack, Clyde McClary, Robert McKenzie, George Morrell, James Sheridan and Wally West.

PHANTOMS (1990) See: MERIDIAN

PHANTOMS (1999 US) D: JOE CHAPPELLE W: DEAN (R.) KOONTZ P: ROBERT PRINGLE/STEVEN LANE/JOEL SOISSON/MICHAEL LEAHY Sisters Joanna Going and Rose McGowan arrive in a small white picket fence town in the mountains to find everyone dead or disappeared. Ben Affleck is miscast as the sheriff and Liev Schreiber is pretty annoying as a weird, comic relief deputy. Peter O’Toole overacts as the publisher of a conspiracy/strange phenomenon magazine who knows all about an ancient evil living underground which comes up to feed. This confused horror movie has some nice ideas, but they’re all filtered through a series of scenes that are highly derivative of earlier (and better) movies. And some parts just don’t make any sense. Bo Hopkins has a small, useless part as an FBI agent. With Nicky Katt, Clifton Powell and Valerie Chow.

PHANTOM SHIP See: THE MYSTERY OF THE MARIE CELESTE

PHASE IV (1974 US) D: SAUL BASS W: MAYO SIMON P: PAUL B. RADIN When scientists notice that ants are communicating in ways that they never had before and are somehow asserting themselves against superior predators in the food chain, a special test facility is established in the Arizona desert. Low-key, slow-moving and a bit dated and hippytrippy, but ultimately rather effective sci-fi suspense/ end of the world saga with great photography (by Dick Bush) and cute Lynne Frederick in the cast. With Nigel Davenport and Michael Murphy. Parts were shot in Kenya. Director Bass is known for his opening movie title designs.

PHASE 6 See: CARRIERS

PHENOMENA (creepers) (1984 ITL) D/W/P: DARIO ARGENTO W: FRANCO FERRINI Girls at a private school in Zurich are being killed-off (as in Argento’s SUSPIRIA). Wheelchair-bound scientist Donald Pleasence (and his chimp) befriend new student Jennifer Connelly and together they try to solve the mystery of the killer’s identity. Connelly can talk to and control insects via a psychic link. Odd giallo actually works better in the shorter English-language dub (CREEPERS at 80+ mins). The 30 mins longer “Integral Hard” version is long-winded. Since it’s not as gory as Argento can be, you’re not really missing much viscera either. With Daria Nicolodi, Patrick Bachau, Franco Trevisi, assistant director Michele Soavi and Asia’s less-famous sister Fiore Argento. The soundtrack veers between Claudio Simonetti’s effective synth and loud heavy metal like Motörhead and Iron Maiden.

THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT (1985 US) D: STEWART RAFFILL W: WILLIAM GRAY/MICHAEL JANOVER/DON JAKOBY/WALLACE C. BENNETT P: DOUGLAS CURTIS/JOEL B. MICHAELS This surprise hit time travel movie stars Michael Pare as a sailor who travels on a battleship from 1943 to 1984 thanks to a tornado time warp (the result of military testing). Nancy Allen co-stars as the confused modern-day love interest. Similar in theme to THE FINAL COUNTDOWN (an ok Pearl Harbor sci-fi from 1980), but in fact based on a book by Charles Berlitz and William I. Moore (and a treatment by John Carpenter). Adequate hokum. With Stephen Tobolowsky and Glenn Morshower.

PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT 2 (1993 US) D: STEPHEN CORNWELL W: KEIN ROCK/NICK PAINE/ KIM STEVEN KETELSON P: MARK LEVINSON/ DOUGLAS CURTIS Gerrit Graham continues the experiments in 1993 and Michael Pare’s character (played by a different actor) somehow ends up in an alternate Fascist 1993 because a stealth fighter was sent back to Nazi Germany. The sequel is only interested in how the main plot strands are affected by the time travelling; it isn’t really very good sci-fi, but a kinda ok watachable time-waster nonetheless. Graham is pretty entertaining in a triple role. With Geoffrey Blake, Larry Cedar and David Wells.

PHOENIX (1998 US) D: DANNY CANNON W: EDDIE RICHEY P: VICTORIA NEVINNY/TRACIE GRAHAM RICE Ray Liotta is a likeable, honest compulsive gambler and cop in Arizona who teams up with corrupt cop friends Daniel Baldwin and Anthony LaPaglia to rob a wealthy loan shark (Giancarlo Esposito) that LaPaglia collects money for. Tom Noonan is a bookie gangster with a lisp and Liotta gets annoyed at plot holes in KING KONG. As is the rule with these things, complications occur. Not bad of its type. With Anjelica Houston, Jeremy Piven, Xander Berkeley, Britanny Murphy, Kari Wuhrer, Glenn Morshower, George Murdock, Al Sapienza, Peter Spellos and Giovanni Ribisi.

PHONE (2002 S.KOR) D/W/P: BYEONG KI AHN W: E. YUZHIN A female reporter (Ji-won Ha) thinks that the threatening, weird phone calls she is getting are from a paedophile she helped put on trial. But when her best friend’s little girl (Jeo-woo Eun, who’s great) starts acting weird after answering her mobile phone, she discovers that her phone number has had a long, mysterious history resulting in several people’s deaths. Gripping supernatural thriller has quite a few surprises along the way and some good shocks. You could argue that it’s very derivative, but I think it comes into its own rather well. From the director of NIGHTMARE (aka HORROR GAME MOVIE).

PHONE BOOTH (2002 US) D: JOEL SCHUMACHER W: LARRY COHEN P: GIL NETTER/DAVID ZUCKER A lying, unsuccessful publicist (Colin Farrell) receives a call at a telephone kiosk on 53rd in NYC. A skilled, calculating voyeur on the other end doesn’t let Farrell hang up and leave and has him covered with a rifle. It soon escalates into a major police problem. Cohen’s script begins well with a taut, suspenseful situation at it’s centre and some insightful, nonclichéd dialogue to keep the all-talk from getting boring. It’s just a real shame that the ending is such a let-down. Schumacher’s direction is typically flashy and stylish. With Forest Whitaker, Katie Holmes, Radha Mitchell, Paula Jai Parker, Tia Texada, John Enos III, Richard T. Jones, Julio Oscar Mechoso and Keifer Sutherland.

THE PHOTOGRAPHER See: LOVE FEAST

PHOTOGRAPHING FAIRIES (apparition) (1997 UK) D/W: NICK WILLING W: CHRIS HALLARD P: MICHELE CAMARDA A man who loses his wife in Switzerland also loses his lust for life and becomes a WWI photographer with a death wish. He later relocates to London where a woman brings him a seemingly genuine photograph of a fairy. He goes into the country to find out for himself in this very serious fantasy not aimed at kids. Based on a book by Steve Szilagyl. With Ben Kingsley as a reverend, Edward Hardwicke as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Rachel Shelley, Frances Barber and Neville Phillips. I didn’t really enjoy it, but that’s probably because of a lack of interest in the subject matter. It’s well made and the actors are great, so those so inclined might like it.

PHYSICAL EVIDENCE (1988 US) D: MICHAEL CRICHTON W: BILL PHILLIPS W/P: MARTIN RASONHOFF Burt Reynolds is a violent cop on suspension, and the main suspect in a murder case. Theresa Russell is his attorney and Ned Beatty works for the prosecution. I guess it’s ok, but not too exciting. With Kay Lenz, Kenneth Walsh, Ray Baker, Peter MacNeill, Barry Flatman, Malcolm Stewart, Richard Fitzpatrick, Gene Mack, David Ferry, Victor Ertmanis and Michael Copeman. Ð (PI) (1997 US) D/W: DARREN ARONOFSKY W: SEAN GULLETTE W/P: ERIC WATSON Gullette is a groundbreaking mathematician living in New York’s Chinatown who’s plagued by agonising brain seizures. He states that “mathematics is the language of nature” and that all systems in life can be represented and understood through numbers. While working on a system involving Pi to figure out the cycles of the stock market, his computer emits a 216 digit number before looping itself into meltdown. This ingenious, claustrophobic and intelligent psychological thriller plays with the idea of what this number might be. Various characters theorise how it could be the key to artificial intelligence, the name of God and even the secret of life itself. Gullette is great as the (understandably) paranoid hypochondriac genius recluse and Matthew Libatique’s harsh b/w photography brings a tangible edge to the brilliantly crafted story. Repeat viewings are recommended for full appreciation. With Mark Margolis.

PICASSO TRIGGER (1987 US) D/W: ANDY SIDARIS P: ARLENE SIDARIS Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton return from HARD TICKET TO HAWAII for another 90 mins of Sidaris nonsense. The tits and scenery (Hawaii, Louisiana and Paris) are here, but HAWAII’s over the top violence was more fun (although I did enjoy the exploding boomerang). With Cynthia Brimhall, Patty Duffek, Liv Lindeland, Roberta Vasquez, Bruce Penhall (C.H.I.P.S.), Wolf Larson and Kym Malin. Speir and Carlton returned in SAVAGE BEACH.

PICASSO TRIGGER 2 See: SAVAGE BEACH

PICKPOCKET (1959 FRA) D/W: ROBERT BRESSON P: AGNES DELAHAIE Martin La Salle is excellent in this low-key, almost documentary style b/w look at the life of a Parisian career pickpocket, and his relationships with the police, fellow wallet-lifters and his sick, bedridden mother. I like it a lot, but not as much as some who claim it to be a masterpiece. You may agree with them. One person highly influenced by it was Paul Schrader, who used it as a template for his TAXI DRIVER script. With Dominique Zardi.

PICKUP (1951 US) D/W/P: HUGO HAAS W: ARNOLD PHILLIPS Haas (who died in 1968) was a popular Czech comic actor, and director of a handful of features, who fled the Nazis and came to Hollywood to work as a character actor (one credit is 1950’s KING SOLOMON’S MINES). This is the first of 14 offbeat, low-budget melodramas that he directed (and wrote, produced and starred in) in the US, which have developed a cult following. It’s based on a novel by Czech writer Joseph Kopta (adapted for the screen in its country of origin twice; 1937 and 2008). Haas stars as a widower living in a desert shack, keeping an eye on the railroad for a living. Beverly Michaels is fascinating to watch as the opportunist tramp who marries him for his money when she runs out of other options. She’s the main reason to watch this odd b/w programmer. Allan Nixon (a Ron Ormond regular!) is the younger guy ensnared by Michaels, and they both begin to plot after Haas falls mysteriously deaf. With Jack Daley and short Bernard Gorcey, son of Leo, as a dog seller. Michaels returned in Haas’ next, THE GIRL ON THE BRIDGE (1951).

PICKUP ON SOUTH STREET (1953 US) D/W: SAMUEL FULLER W: DWIGHT TAYLOR P: JULES SCHERMER Richard Widmark stars in this excellent noir thriller from Fuller. He plays a pickpocket living in a waterfront shack in NYC who accidentally lifts a top secret microfilm on the subway. Soon communist spies and the FBI are after him for the secrets. Fast-paced and gripping. With Richard Kiley, Milburn Stone, Thelma Ritter, Willis Bouchey, Harry Carter, George E. Stone, George Eldredge, Stuart Randall, Parley Baer, Emmett Lynn, the other Roger Moore, Virginia Carroll, Clancy Cooper, John Gallaudet, Ray Montgomery and Wilson Wood. Remade in South Africa in 1967 as THE CAPETOWN AFFAIR.

PICNIC AT HALF MOON BAY See: THE SKYDIVERS

PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK (1975 AUSL) D: PETER WEIR W: CLIFF GREEN P: HAL & JIM McELROY Rachel Roberts (from Wales) is a teacher at a girls’ boarding school at the turn of the 20th century. She and three schoolgirls mysteriously disappear while on a field trip picnic in the outback. Nothing is really explained and no conclusion is reached in this arty, slow-moving (and beautifully photographed by Russell Boyd) fantasy, but it has an unbearably stifled sexual atmosphere that builds and builds until the screen feels like it’s about to explode. Not for horror and exploitation fans as such, it’s still worth a look for those interested in how to generate real tension. Based on a novel by Joan Lindsey. The talented Weir made THE LAST WAVE next.

PICTURE CLAIRE (2001 CAN US) D: BRUCE McDONALD W: SEMI CHELLAS P: ROBERT LANTOS/ WENDY GREAN Juliette Lewis is a French speaker from Montreal who travels to Toronto to visit a cheating photo-artist she thought was her boy-friend. The police think she’s the the one who killed Mickey Rourke in a donut shop, but it was smuggler Gina Gershon. This stylish thriller has good-looking multi split-screen effects and some arty touches, but the lacklustre story is no improvement on dozens of direct-to-video on-the-run thrillers. With Callum Keith Rennie, Camilla Rutherford and Raoul Bhaeja. McDonald is known for his low-budget road movies ROADKILL and HIGHWAY ‘61.

THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY (1945 US) D/W: ALBERT LEWIN P: PANDRO S. BERMAN Oscar Wilde’s novel had already been filmed several times (1913, 1915, 1916, 1917 and 1918), but it is this fine b/w version that’s (deservedly) remembered as a classic supernatural drama concerning the corruption of man’s soul. Hurd Hatfield stars as the handsome young aristocrat who wishes that a portrait of himself should wear the signs of ageing while he remains youthful forever. Advice from the philosophically decadent George Sanders fuels hedonistic Hatfield, and the portrait soon mirrors the tainting of his soul. Very little debauchery is actually seen or discussed, but the film doesn’t really need it — the colour inserts of the mutated painting are enough to revolt us. Great stuff. With Donna Reed, Angela Lansbury, Pete Lawford, Reginald Owen, Miles Mander, Mary Forbes, Robert Greig, Billy Bevan, Harry Allen, Jimmy Aubrey, Wilson Benge, Joseph E. Bernard, Buck Bucko, Charles Coleman, Jimmy Conlin, Pedro De Cordoba, Herbert Evans, Al Ferguson, Charles K. French, Gibson Gowland, Cedric Hardwicke, Lumsden Hare, Sam Harris, Stuart Holmes, Crauford Kent, Donald Kerr, Mitchell Lewis, Eric Mayne, Frank O’Connor, Pascale Perry, Barbara Woodel, Frederick Worlock and Joe Yule.

PIECES (mil gridos tiene la noche) (1981 US SPN PUE) D/W: JUAN PIQUER SIMON W/P: DICK RANDALL W: “JOHN SHADOW” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) This ridiculous giallo begins with a little boy slaughtering his mother after she throws away his nudie jigsaw. Forty years later a killer stalks horny teens on a Boston college campus with a chainsaw. Christopher George investigates the gory deaths and Paul L. Smith is the ultimate chainsaw-wielding red herring gardener Willard. The dialogue is silly enough to make it an enjoyable trash favourite. With Edmund Purdom, Linda Day, Gerard Tichy, Jack Taylor and Frank Brana. It was remade by Lamberto Bava as BODY PUZZLE in 1992.

PIG CHICKEN SUICIDE (tonkei shinju) (1981 JPN) D/W: YOSHIHIKO MATSUI P: TEBUKI IJICHI Largely plotless, surreal and unwholesome and disturbing look at the underprivileged (Korean immigrants, minimal-wage slaughterhouse workers) is pretty difficult to describe. Figures in Kabuki costumes and masks wander slum districts of Kyoto. Some weirdo pisses in a slop-bucket before feeding it to pigs. Pigs, lots and lots of footage of pigs. Pigs being eviscerated and disemboweled. A guy acting like a chicken with a paper beak. Skin-crawling sound FX. As a message movie I’m not convinced; as a pretty interesting slice of underground, experimental artsploitation, I highly recommend it. Dawrf Toshihiko Hino and director Kazuhiro Sano are in it. Matsui also made NOISY REQUIEM (1988).

THE PIG FUCKING MOVIE (wedding trough; one man and his pig; vase de noces) (1974 BEL) D/W/P: THIERRY ZENO W: DOMINIQUE GARNY A man hangs out on a farm. He puts dolls heads on chickens. He fondles a pig (and later fucks it). He also flies a kite, makes a mess, lies in an open grave and eats his own shit from flip-lid jars. When the pig gives birth to piglets he hangs them. In b/w with no dialogue, but bizarre organ music. It may sound pretentious, repellent and dull (all true), but I have to admit it’s also pretty effective in evoking a disturbing but also strangely cosy mood that I’ve never experienced with any other film. Definitely worth a look for viewers searching for something different, but not for those out for shocks. The filmmakers also made the death documentary OF THE DEAD (1981).

THE PIG KEEPER’S DAUGHTER (1972 US) D/W: “BETHEL G. BUCKALEW” (PETER PERRY) P: HARRY H. NOVAK A slob pig keeper’s nagging wife insists that their cute, horny, large-breasted daughter get married (“she’s already 19”). That’s about it plotwise in this classic slice of Novak drive-in sexploitation. The many balling scenes go about as far as you can in softcore (DEEP THROAT was released the same year), and there’s surprising, implied bestiality and homosexual rape. Sex scenes occur in a pig sty and a water trough. A travelling salesman ends up at a shotgun wedding in the great ending. See also SASSY SUE (available on the same dvd from Something Weird Video).

PIGS (daddy’s deadly darlings; the strange love exorcist) (1972 US) D/W/P: MARC LAWRENCE W: “F.A. FOSS” (FANYA LAWRENCE) Character actor Marc Lawrence (in movies since the 30s) made this odd low-budget rural horror movie prompted by the then current trend in vegetarianism (before TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE). He also co-stars as an old man who feeds human corpses to his pigs. Real-life daughter Toni Lawrence stars as the pretty asylum runaway who gets a job at his café and starts castrating men with a razor. Wife Fanya co-scripted. It’s not particularly good, but reasonably interesting and atmospheric. With Jesse Vint and Walter Barnes.

PIGS: SLAUGHTER FARM See: SQUEAL

PIN: A PLASTIC NIGHTMARE (1988 CAN) D/W: SANDOR STERN P: RENE MALO Terry O’Quinn is a small-town doctor and ventriloquist who uses a visual aid transparent mannequin (with organs) called Pin to teach his two kids about the human body. The girl (Cyndy Preston) grows out of it into a normal young woman, while the boy (the likeable David Hewlett, later in CUBE) becomes a schizophrenic psycho who makes sure that anyone who tries to destroy his friend Pin, or their friendship ends up dead. Based on a novel by Andrew Neiderman, this is a sick little gem that unfortunately loses it towards the end, but is still well worth seeing. With John Pyper-Ferguson, Bruce Ramsay and the voice of Jonathan Banks. Malo helped back the SCANNERS sequels (Hewlett was in part two) and Stern is mostly known for churning out faceless tv movies, which makes this even more of a surprise.

PIÑATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND (demon island; crimson island) (2001 US) D/W/P: DAVID AND SCOTT HILLENBRAND A prologue shows how an ancient tribe on a South American island built a piñata (a hollow clay statue) that represented evil, put a pig’s heart inside and pushed it out to sea, thus ridding the island of a curse. Present day College teens on a drunken panty hunt disturb the piñata, which comes to life and beats in their heads with a stone axe. The silly VFX creation with a snarling face also mutates into a floating, two-headed monster with a tail, briefly grows to large size, roars and can run real fast. I guess the height of hilarity is it ripping off a guy’s balls. The Chiodo Bros created the gore FX. With Jaime Pressly, Nicholas Brendon, Garrett Wang, Nate Richert, Daphne Duplaix and some ridiculous false scares. The Hillenbrands (who have a cameo at the end as cops) also made KING COBRA, and this is just as dumb.

PIN DOWN GIRLS See: RACKET GIRLS

THE PINK CHIQUITAS (1986 CAN) D/W: ANTHONY CURRIE P: NICOLAS STILIADIS Frank Stallone (Sylvester’s brother) is the son of a famous private detective (Stallone again as a clichéd Italian American type in flashbacks) who’s passing through a small town while being chased by mobsters. A meteor (with the voice of Eartha Kitt) that crashes there zaps the local women and transforms them into power-hungry nymphos in pink leotards. A fog also turns residents into mindless zombies. A little boy sings with a dubbed-in opera voice and the height of hilarity (?) is a gay man being controlled by the meteor. God help you if you attempt to sit through a Frank Stallone comedy, this is a painful experience. He also sings on the soundtrack. Some of the “chiquitas” are Lolita Davidovich, Sheryl Lee and former Miss Canada Cynthia Hereluk. Nicholas Campbell is in the cast of a film showing at a drive-in (Zombie Beach Party 3). Stiliadis was also the photographer.

PINK FLAMINGOS (1972 US) D/W/P: JOHN WATERS Waters’ most famous feature (his first in colour) is one of his best and funniest. Divine is “the filthiest person alive”, whose title has forced her to hide out (under the name Babs Johnson) in a trashy mobile home with son Crackers (Danny Miller), travelling companion Cotton (Mary Vivian Pierce) and her egg loving baby-like mother Edie (the unique, lovable Edith Massey). David Lochary and Mink Stole are the jealous Connie and Raymond Marble, who believe themselves to be the filthiest. They kidnap hitch-hiking girls and their servant rapes them so they can sell the babies to lesbian couples. The organisation helps pay for the heroin they sell in school. The filth war is on. With Cookie Mueller and the unforgettable singing arsehole (and let’s not forget the infamous dog shit eating finale). Narrated by Waters, and with a great soundtrack that includes Surfin’ Bird and The Centurions’ Intoxica. A 25th anniversary version restored a surreal furniture licking scene. The cast returned in the even better FEMALE TROUBLE.

PINOCCHIO (pinocchio’s revenge; pinocchio syndrome) (1996 US) D/W: KEVIN S. TENNEY P: JEFF GEOFFRAY/WALTER JOSTEN A single mom defence attorney fails to save a possibly innocent child killer from the electric chair. A carved wood Pinocchio puppet that he made ends up in the possession of her young daughter and soon characters that the little girl sees as a threat end up dead. Could it be that Pinocchio is coming to life? Or is it just a disturbed child’s alter ego? I don’t recommend watching this stupid, overdirected horror movie loaded with ridiculous false scares to find out. With Ron Canada and Aaron Lustig. From the director of WITCHBOARD and NIGHT OF THE DEMONS.

PINOCCHIO 964 (screams of blasphemy) (1992 JPN) D/W: SHOJIN FUKUI W: MAKATO HAMAGUCHI/ NAOSHI EIDA P: HARUMUNE ISONO A lobotomized android sex slave is thrown out by his kinky owner (musician Ranko) because he’s impotent. He roams the streets, is befriended then abused by a homeless girl and eventually seeks violent revenge. Or at least that’s what I think happens in this seriously confusing, ultra-pretentious in-your-face kinetic cyberpunk movie. It’s overacted, noisy and senseless and can’t be saved by its admittedly impressive location photography. The ending (with that ridiculous inflated head) will bring the words “what the fuck?” readily to mind. Fukui’s later prequel RUBBER’S LOVER was more successful.

PINOCCHIO’S REVENGE See: PINOCCHIO (1996)

PINOCCHIO SYNDROME See: PINOCCHIO (1996)

PIRANHA (1972 VEN US) D: BILL GIBSON W: RICHARD FINDER P: L. GUILLERMO VILLEGAS B. In Caracas, Venezuela, Peter Brown guides a photographer (Anna Capri) and her brother on a tour of the jungles (on motorbikes). They meet Carribas (it means piranha), a sadistic, cackling yet philosophical hunter (of “everything”), played by William Smith (so there’s a motorbike race to waste some time). You can see it coming a mile off, but he eventually rapes the girl and stabs her brother with a machete (who’s then eaten by piranhas). It’s an ok time-filler with lots of travelogue footage (animals, Indians and a real diamond mine) and a snake, deer and vulture being shot for your entertainment. Its a shame it’s not a better vehicle for the tailor-made Smith bad guy role though.

PIRANHA (1978 US) D: JOE DANTE W: JOHN SAYLES/RICHARD ROBINSON P: JON DAVISON Bradford Dillman and Heather Menzies try to warn people after they accidentally release genetically altered piranha (created by scientist Kevin McCarthy) into the river system. Roger Corman was the executive producer of this solid (yet tongue-in-cheek) B movie that’s occasionally given too much praise. With Keenan Wynn, Barbara Steele, Dick Miller, Paul Bartel (particularly fun), Richard Deacon, Dante, Sayles, stop-motion micro-beasts and a clip from THE MONSTER THAT CHALLENGED THE WORLD. Don’t expect a classic and you should enjoy. Another Sayle script became ALLIGATOR. Remade in 1995 and (in 3D) in 2010. There was a sequel.

PIRANHA II (the spawning; flying killers; piranha paura) (1981 US ITL NETH) D: JAMES CAMERON/ OVIDIO G. ASSONITIS W: H.A. MILTON P: CHAKO VAN LEEUWEN/JEFF SCHLAETMAN Cameron was fired from this goofy sequel (his feature directorial debut) before it was completed and executive producer Assonitis finished it off. Military experiments and genetic research result in flying piranha fish that attack vacationing Club Med characters. One bursts out of a woman’s stomach at a morgue. Lance Henriksen stars. Watchable at a JAWS sequel level. Cameron hit it big with THE TERMINATOR next.

PIRANHA 4 See: CREATURES FROM THE ABYSS

PIRATES (1986 FRA TUN) D/W: ROMAN POLANSKI W: GERARD BRACH/JOHN BROWNJOHN P: TARAK BEN AMMAR Captain Red (Walter Matthau) and his young sidekick Cris Campion go about recapturing Matthau’s old ship from mutineers and get into some less than hilarious swashbuckling adventure in this box office flop comedy adventure. To be fair, it’s not that bad as harmless hokum, but critics who expected more from Polanski (especially after the much reported record breaking costs of the galleon props) were very unkind (and it’s too long at over two hours). With Charlotte Lewis, Ferdy Mayne, Roy Kinnear, Daniel Emilfork, Anthony Peck, Ian Dury, Anthony Dawson, Michael Elphick, Emilio Fernandez, Roger Ashton-Griffiths, Bill Fraser and Bernard Musson. Filmed in Malta, the Seychelles and Tunisia. Polanski returned with the less jovial FRANTIC.

PISS ORGY See: FORBIDDEN SEXUALITY

PISTOLEROS (ballad of a gunman; ringo, pray to your god; ballata per un pistolero; rocco, der einzelganger von alamo) (1967 ITL W.GER) D/W: ALFIO CALTABIANO W/P: ERNST VON THEUMER “Anthony Ghidra” (Dragomik Bojanic) and bounty killer Angelo Infanti are quick-draw gunmen, both after a Mexican outlaw (director Caltabiano as “Al Northon”, and he makes a pretty good villain). Explosion (“Dan May” aka Dante Maggio) is an expert dynamite handler who helps them out in this unremarkable but solid western that should entertain the fans. With “Anthony Freeman” (Mario Novello), Giovanni Ivan Scratuglia and Pietro Ceccarelli. A good, long barroom brawl scene features some out-of-place slapstick comedy that is curiously non-evident in the rest of the picture. Caltabiano also made A MAN CALLED AMEN (1972) and its sequel. Theumer backed a whole bunch of exploitation flicks from the 60s to the 80s. His other Eurowestern credit was Carlo Lizzani’s above average KILL AND PRAY.

PIT AND THE PENDLUM (1963 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: RICHARD MATHESON Another Corman Poe adaption is the perfect companion piece for his FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER. Vincent Price’s wife Barbara Steele has just passed on, so Steele’s brother turns up at the family castle to discover morbid family secrets and surprises that should be discovered by yourself in this rich, perfectly paced, slowly unfolding descent into horror and madness. With Luana Anders and Charles Victor. Corman is often accused of being nothing more than a “pulp” director (nothing wrong with that), but this and USHER proves that pulp is a formidable force. Recommended.

THE PIT AND THE PENDLUM (the inquisitor) (1990 US) D: STUART GORDON W: DENNIS PAOLI P: ALBERT BAND Lance Henriksen is the 15th century Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition in this excellent (and surprisingly fun) historical horror movie. Rona De Ricci is the young heroine whom he has guiltridden feelings for. There’s plenty of torture and violence and there’s even a swinging pendulum (the only connection to the previous version), but it never gets depressing. The most inventive part involves a witch burning and gunpowder (pretty funny scene actually). With Jeffrey Combs, Tom Towles, Mark Margolis, Benito Stefanelli, Frances Bay and Oliver Reed. It was made in Italy.

PITCH BLACK (2000 US AUSL) D/W: DAVID TWOHY W: KEN & JIM WHEAT P: TOM ENGELMAN A passenger spaceship crashlands on a deserted planet and the diverse characters on-board (including Radha Mitchell as the heroine, and convicted killer Vin Diesel) try to stay alive while computer-animated monsters try to eat them. This major release got a lot of praise on its release, but it’s so derivative of an endless list of earlier, better films that it just does not satisfy. With Cole Hauser and Keith David. Apparently its story is indebted to a 1956 western called THE LAST WAGON. THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK (2004) was the follow up.

PIT OF DARKNESS (1961 UK) D/W/P: LANCE COMFORT A man who designs safes awakes on a piece of wasteground with no memory of the past three weeks in this very tepid b/w thriller that only lasts about an hour. It’s based on Hugh McCutchen’s novel To Dusty Death. With Nanette Newman, Nigel Green and Anthony Booth.

PIT STOP See: THE WINNER (1969)

PLACE OF THE VIOLENCE See: MY SON, MY SON, WHAT HAVE YE DONE

THE PLAGUE OF THE ZOMBIES (the zombies) (1966 UK) D: JOHN GILLING W: PETER BRYAN P: ANTHONY NELSON-KEYS A rich landowner involved with black magic raises corpses from the graveyard to work in his tin mine in Cornwall. Enjoyable and colourful Hammer horror has great, influential scenes of hands worming out of the ground and corpses dragging themselves out of their graves. With André Morell, John Carson and Michael Ripper. Filmed back to back with THE REPTILE.

PLANET EARTH (1974 US) D: MARC DANIELS W: GENE RODENBERRY/JUANITA BARTLETT P: ROBERT H. JUSTMAN After GENESIS II, executive producer Roddenbery tries again for a pilot to a series about a new post-nuke civilisation. This time an all-female society which sends their male slaves out to fight mutants. No better, no worse. John Saxon stars, with Ted Cassidy and Majel Barrett. Saxon returned in Roddenbery’s third attempt: STRANGE NEW WORLD (1975).

PLANET OF BLOOD See: PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES

PLANET OF DINOSAURS (1978 US) D/P: JAMES K. SHEA W: RALPH LUCAS/JAMES AUPPERLE Survivors of a spaceship that crashes on an alien planet with elements similar to Earth, discover stop-motion dinosaurs (Doug Beswick worked on them). It’s a shame the human characters are so boring (as well as the synth score). My favourite bit is a big stop-motion spider. The dino footage was later edited into several movies. Jim Danforth did some matte work.

PLANET OF FEAR See: SPACE RAGE

PLANET OF HORRORS See: GALAXY OF TERROR

PLANET OF INCREDIBLE TEACHERS See: THE FANTASTIC PLANET

THE PLANET OF STORMS (storm planet; planet of tempests; cosmonauts on venus; planeta burg) (1962 USSR) D/W: PAVEL KLUSHANSTEV W/P: ALEKSANDR KAZANSTEV P: L. PRESNYAKOVA/VLADIMIR YEMELYANOV Soviet spaceships orbit around Venus and are picked off by big meteorites. Eventually a “glider” crew decides to go down onto the surface of the foggy planet themselves because “automats” (robots) can’t record life. The two-man, one-robot (a big one called John) crew seems to disappear, so another rocket crew mount a rescue. The rescue team use a “cross-country car” and encounter man-in-a-monster-suit dinosaurs (“imps of the devil”), a Pterodactyl, plants with tentacle vines, a volcano and even go underwater for a bit. Meanwhile the original duo contract malaria while John the robot malfunctions. All the while theories about intelligent life are discussed. Minimal and talky perhaps, but also a solid, well-told sci-fi with some really nice touches. Made at studios in Leningrad, I think it’s in colour but the print I saw (with English subtitles) was so washed out it was almost b/w. The cast includes busy Russian actors Vladimir Yemelyanov (also a producer), Georgi Zhzhyenov, Yuri Sarantseu and Georgi Tekjh. Roger Corman had the rights to this, so 60s cimemagoers saw footage in VOYAGE TO THE PREHISTORIC PLANET and VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF PREHISTORIC WOMEN. QUEEN OF BLOOD and BATTLE BEYOND THE SUN are other Corman titles with footage swiped from different Russian movies.

PLANET OF TEMPESTS See: THE PLANET OF STORMS

THE PLANET OF TERROR See: PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES

PLANET OF THE APES (1968 US) D: FRANLIN J. SCHAFFNER W: ROD SERLING/MICHAEL WILSON P: ARTHUR P. JACOBS Based on Pierre Bouelle’s novel (itself a much maligned but actually rather interesting work, it would be interesting to see a more direct adaptation) and featuring the makeup FX of Ben Nye, Dan Striepeke and John Chambers, this classic sci-fi stars Charlton Heston as the human astronaut time traveller who ends up on a planet inhabited by apes that speak English. Gorillas are soldiers that hunt humans and orangutangs are the intellectuals. Linda Hunter, Roddy McDowall and James Whitmore are the main stars in monkey makeup. If you’ve managed to avoid hearing about it thus far, the surprise ending is excellent (and being pure Rod Serling, is not in the original book, in fact the adaptation overall is a fine mutation). With sexy Linda Harrison, Woodrow Parfrey, Buck Kartalian, Billy Curtis and Felix Silla. BENEATH THE… was the first sequel.

PLANET OF THE APES (2001 US) D: TIM BURTON W: WILLIAM BROYLES JR./LAWRENCE KONNER/ MARK ROSENTHAL P: RICHARD D. ZANUCK Very disappointing remake (that no one wanted anyway) stars (a miscast) Mark Wahlberg in the Charlton Heston role. The story’s been reshuffled, emphasising different parts, but otherwise is more-or-less the same. The ending that tries to be different from the original but can’t pull-it-off is a good indication of how much of a waste of time and money it all is. With Tim Roth, Helena Bonham Carter, Michael Clarke Duncan, Paul Giamatti, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Kris Kristofferson, Erick Avari, David Warner, Glenn Shadix, Chris Ellis, Lisa Marie, Philip Tan, Rick Baker, Charlton Heston and Nils Allen Stewart (most of these people under ape makeup).

PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES (terrore nello spazio; terror en el espacio) (1965 ITL SPN) D/W: MARIO BAVA W: ALBERTO BEVILACQUA/CALLISTO COSULICH/ ANTONIO ROMAN/RAFAEL J. SALIVA P: FULVIO LUSICANO Barry Sullivan is the captain of a spaceship that’s forced to land on a desolate, fog-shrouded planet where a mysterious force tries to make the crew (Norma Bengell, Angel Aranda, Ivan Rassimov, Mario Morales and Federico Baido) kill each other. Based on Renato Pestriniero’s story One Night In 21 Hours, this sci-fi suspense favourite does suffer from Bava’s usual lack of pacing, but is genuinely intriguing with some great pulp fiction moments. Special mention should be made of Antonio Renaldi’s beautiful colour photography (see the great looking restored dvd) and Gabriele Meyer’s supercool spacesuit designs. A pretty influential movie, too, if you get to thinking about it.

PLANET OUTLAWS See: BUCK ROGERS

PLANET WARS See: THE TRAMPS IN THE PLANET WARS

PLANKTON See: CREATURES FROM THE ABYSS

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (grave robbers from outer space) (1956 US) D/W/P: EDWARD D. WOOD JR. During his lifetime no one could have ever imagined the phenomenal interest in the unique cinema of Ed Wood, let alone conceive that Hollywood would make a biopic about him. This is, of course, the infamous “anti-classic” that was the first to be rediscovered and kick-start interest in the “world’s worst director”. When people first see Wood’s movies, they are surprised to find that they’re much more than simply so-bad-they’re-good. Wood’s films exist in their own twisted world of logic, and within that world completely succeed in intended (and unintended) ways. This one opens with “Criswell predicts” (“we are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives”) and we’re plunged into the unbelievable tale of aliens trying to teach Earth people a lesson by resurrecting the dead. Vampira (too embarrassed to have a speaking role) is the first wandering corpse. Bela Lugosi is seen in home movie footage shot before his death, and an overdubbed crash sound and screams signals his death in an accident when he walks offscreen! Wood’s wife’s real-life chiropodist took over Bela’s role for the rest of the film, holding his cape in front of his face. Very bad flying saucers (made from hubcaps) are seen. Tor Johnson (as a cop) also joins the ranks of the living dead. Criswell narrates throughout as stock footage is thrown in by the bucketload. If you’ve never seen it, I won’t spoil the fun by revealing any more, suffice to say it’s a viewing experience not easily forgotten. With Tom Keene, Paul Marco, John “Bunny” Breckinridge, Lyle Talbot, Conrad Brooks, Dudley Manlove, Wood, day-for-night shots and the immortal line “visit? that would indicate visitors”. Criswell returns on-screen at the end to inform us that it’s all true and based on “sworn testimony”. Can you prove it didn’t happen?

PLAYGIRL GANG See: SWITCHBLADE SISTERS

PLAYGIRL KILLER (decoy for terror; portrait of fear) (1965 CAN) D/W: ERICK SANTAMARAN W: HARRY and WILLIAM KERWIN P: MAXWELL A. SENDEL Portrait artist, the bearded William Kerwin, is introduced harpooning a model for failing to keep still near a river, and then going on the run. He’s later hired by a cocktease blonde to help her clear her country house out before moving. Neil Sedaka is her younger sister’s boyfriend, and is seen performing Waterbug around the pool during a party, as well as some band that plays a number. Through flashbacks we learn that the disturbed Kerwin was in some kind of shipwreck, and more women that don’t stay still for him end up dead and frozen in a meat-locker (where they keep their poses). Pretty bad, but a must for fans of H.G. Lewis veteran Kerwin (who also made several flicks in Florida with his brother Harry, who co-wrote the script).

THE PLAYGIRLS AND THE BELLBOY See: THE BELLBOY AND THE PLAYGIRLS

THE PLAYGIRLS AND THE VAMPIRE (curse of the vampire; daughter of the vampires; desire of the vampire; the last prey of the vampire; last victim of the vampire; the vampire’s last victim; l’ultima preda del vampiro) (1962 ITL) D/W: PIERO REGNOLI P: TIZIANO LUNGO A bunch of sexy models end up at a remote castle where a vampire resides in this dated slice of b/w nudie horror. Not that you actually see any nudity, but the playful almost-naked scenes are risqué for the time. What I liked best about it was the crude but unusual FX that cause the vampire (Walter Brandi) to disappear after he’s been dispatched. With Alfredo Rizzo. Richard Gordon was the executive producer. The director also made a peplum (MACISTE IN KING SOLOMON’S MINES) and a western (AND THEY SMELLED THE STRANGE, EXCITING, DANGEROUS SCENT OF DOLLARS) among others.

PLAYING GOD (playing hero) (1997 US) D: ANDY WILSON W: MARK HASKELL SMITH P: MARK ABRAHAM/ LAURA BICKFORD The dull David Duchovny is a disgraced drug-addicted surgeon who becomes an emergency doctor for crime lord Timothy Hutton after he saves one of his henchmen’s lives. The FBI blackmail him into double-crossing Hutton in this pretty useless thriller. With Angelina Jolie, Peter Stormare, Tracey Walter, Andrew Tiernan, John Hawkes, Keone Young and Stacey Travis. Duchovny also provides subnoir narration and Hutton has one good overacting scene during a car chase.

PLAYING WITH FIRE See: DANGEROUS ENCOUNTERS: FIRST KIND

PLAY MOTEL (1979 ITL) D/W: “ROY GARRETT” (MARIO GARIAZZO) P: ARMANDO NOVELLO The title seedy joint where kinky lovers go and act out their sex fantasies (these scenes include lots of religious iconography, such as a man dressed as the Devil giving a nun a good seeing to). A blackmailer is snapping photos of prominent men on the job. A giallo-styled murderer with black gloves is also offing women, prompting the police to get involved. Almost plotless and certainly trashy to a fault, this dumb explotation movie (with brief hardcore inserts) is somehow rather enjoyable, but don’t ask me why. Ray Lovelock has a major role, and sings the atrocious yet infectious theme song. With Marina Frajese, Marino Masc and Anthony Steffen.

PLEASANTVILLE (color of heart) (1998 US) D/W/P: GARY ROSS P: JON KILIK/ROBERT J. DEGUS/ STEVEN SODERBERGH Tobey Maguire and Reese Witherspoon are nerdy brother and “slutty” sister who use a magic remote control that zaps them into the perfect b/w world of 50s tv comedy Pleasantville. They teach the residents about sex and literature, and things start turning colour (a great effect). The first half of this comedy drama is wonderful, before it turns into a message movie that parallels the integration of blacks in the US and the Civil Rights movement. With Jeff Daniels, J.T. Walsh (in his final role), William H. Macy, Joan Allen, Don Knotts, Jason Behr, Paul Walker, Maggie Lawson, Jane Kaczmarek, Giuseppe Andrews, Marc Blucas and Marley Shelton.

PLEASE DON’T EAT MY MOTHER (glump; hungry pets; sexpot swingers) (1972 US) D/P: CARL MONSON P: HARRY NOVAK Cheap and cheerful sexploitation remake of THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS stars Buck Kartalian (from THE ACID EATERS) as voyeur Henry Fudd. He buys a talking plant that grows, acquires big pointy teeth and needs more and more flesh to eat. Fudd lives with his annoying mother and loves to watch a couple fuck in their car. Silly fun with an entertaining Kartalian at his best. With Rene Bond, Ric Lutze and Monson.

PLEASE DON’T TOUCH ME! (teenage bride) (1959 US) D/W/P: “VITTORIO DI NARDO” (RON ORMOND) W: ORMOND McGILL This very bizarre and utterly absorbing drama begins with the narrator showing us footage of people being hypnotised (Ormond, a stage magician is seen as a mesmerist), open-heart surgery, flagellants and incredible footage of a fakir in Borneo rolling in broken glass and more. This is all to introduce the hypnotism theme. Ruth Blair is a stunning, busty redhead newlywed who can’t seem to bare her husband (Lash La Rue!) touching her, let alone have sex. Her scheming mother (associate producer June Ormond) keeps reminding her of the time she was raped. Blair goes to a doctor who in turn calls on a hypnotist (McGill, a real stage hypnotist) who regresses her to find out what the trouble is. This just over an hour classic of it’s kind also features a hypno-disc so the audience can hypnotise themselves, but beware the MESA OF LOST WOMEN flamenco guitar on the soundtrack.

THE PLEASURE (il placere) (1985 ITL) D: “JOE D’AMATO” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) W: CLAUDIO FRAGASSO/HOMERUS S. ZWEITAG One of D’Amato’s more coherent and well made features is an ok erotic period piece concerning an affair between a widower and her stepdaughter. It’s always sleazy, but restrained and less outrageous compared to other D’Amato features. With Laura Gemser and Dagmar Lassander.

THE PLEASURES OF A WOMAN (1974 US) D: NICK PHILLIPS A pretty young brunette meets her dead uncle’s third wife (Uschi Digard) at his funeral. She narrates a tale about how Digard (“a bitch set on fire by her own strange desires”) turns her onto lesbian sex. There is no dialogue, but lots of lounge and bass driven rock (with flutes). Drugs are consumed at the end. A pretty boring hour for Digard completists only.

PLUCKED See: DEATH LAID AN EGG

PLUGHEAD See: CIRCUITRY MAN

THE PLUMBER (the mad plumber) (1978 AUSL) D/W: PETER WEIR P: MATT CARROLL Weir (who later went Hollywood) made the well-known THE CARS THAT ATE PARIS, PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK and THE LAST WAVE and then this obscure tv movie that everyone seems to ignore. But it’s pretty good (and very low-key). Judy Morris and Robert Coleby are a couple living in a block of flats who are quietly terrorised by an out-of-whack plumber (Ivor Kants) who rips their bathroom apart and makes their lives hell. She ends up defending the home in a battle of wits. No great thrills, but I thoroughly enjoyed it when I caught it on late-night tv.

PLUNDER ROAD (hold-up) (1957 US) D: HUBERT CORNFIELD W: STEVEN RITCH/JACK CHARNEY P: LEON CHOOLUCK/LAURENCE STEWART This opens well with a group of men hijacking a train on a rainswept night and using a winch to carry away the heavy cargo, gold from the US Mint. The men (who include Gene Raymond, Elisha Cook Jr., Wayne Morris and writer Ritch) plan to transport their score cross-country with trucks, but things do not go according to plan. Slows down and becomes more conventional than the opening scenes suggest, this is still an engaging minor B thriller for a lazy night. With Jeanne Cooper, Michael Fox and Harry Tyler. Apparently it was initially released with a voice-over that was later dropped (good idea). 72 b/w mins from Regal Film, who also released KRONOS, THE UNKNOWN TERROR and SPACE MASTER X-7 (among others).

PLUNKETT AND MACLEANE (1999 UK CZE) D: JAKE SCOTT W: ROBERT WADE/NEAL PURVIS/ CHARLES McKEOWN/SELWYN ROBERTS P: TIM BEVAN/ERIC FELLNER/RUPERT HARVEY Robert Carlyle is criminal Plunkett who hooks up with lower upper-class “gentleman” Macleane (Johnny Lee Miller) and together become notorious highwaymen who inspire the lower-classes to rise up against the corrupt rich (a wisely underdeveloped subplot). Very stylish debut from Ridley Scott’s son is fun, mindless entertainment that also throws in some realistic 18th century grotesqueness to make it a little more potent. And it works, surprisingly. With Liv Tyler, Matt Lucas, Alan Cumming, Michael Gambon, Nicholas Farrell and Jacques Mathou. Filmed in London, Prague and Spain.

PLUTO NASH See: THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH

PLUTONIUM BABY (nucreature) (1986 US) D/P: RAY HIRSCHMAN W: WAYNE BEHAR A waste of videotape would be a good way to describe this senseless, inept crime against cinema. It begins with campers in the woods encountering a man and his son, their killer mutated mom infected by toxic waste and some little creature that bites and spreads infection. After the parents die, the campers take the kid to New York where he grows up to be an construction worker. But he must fight a government agent who’s been living in a toxic waste drum for 10 years (!) and escapes. There’s lots of Central Park footage and 42nd Street marquees. Gregory Lamberson (THE SLIME) was the first assistant director. [Illus.]

POCOMANIA See: THE DEVIL’S DAUGHTER

POD PEOPLE (extraterrestrial visitors; les nouveau terrestrials supplementaire; les noveaux extraterrestres) (1983 FRA SPN) D/W: JUAN PIQUER SIMON W: “JACK GRAY” (JOAQUIN GRAU) A little kid befriends a short (man-in-a-suit) alien with a snout that has telekinetic abilities. It’s nice, but another alien is mean and kills. Some hunters and youngsters on a break from a recording studio session are other characters in this dumb sci-fi shot in Canada. Frank Brana is in the cast and Dick Randall was executive producer. The POD PEOPLE release from Film Ventures International uses excerpts from Don Dohler’s THE GALAXY INVADER during the opening credits sequence.

POINT BLANK (1967 US) D: JOHN BOORMAN W: ALEXANDER JACOBS/DAVID NEWHOUSE/RAFE NEWHOUSE P: JUDD BERNARD/ROBERT CHARTOFF Based on Donald E. Westlake (aka Richard Stark)’s novel The Hunter, Boorman’s second feature (after the Dave Clarke Five movie HAVING A WILD WEEKEND) is his best, a hard-boiled crime classic that hypnotises you with an almost psychedelic use of sound, editing (Henry Berman) and camerawork (Philip H. Lathrop). Lee Marvin has his signature role as the ex-con seeking vengeance against double-crossing Angie Dickinson and John Vernon. The excellent cast also includes Keenan Wynn, Lloyd Bocher, Sid Haig, Carroll O’Connor, James B. Sikking, Kathleen Freeman, Chuck Hicks and Felix Silla. The finale has great location photography on Alcatraz Island.

POINT BLANK (1997) See: GROSSE POINTE BLANK

POINT BREAK (1991 US) D: KATHRYN BIGELOW W: RICK KING/W. PETER ILIFF P: PETER ABRAMS/ ROBERT L. LEVY After the dumb but kind of fun BLUE STEEL, Bigelow made this dumb, violent and too long surfing and sky-diving adrenalin rush cop thriller. Keanu Reeves is a hotshot FBI rookie undercover in California helping older Gary Busey crack a bunch of bank robberies. The robbers (led by Patrick Swayze) wear ex-US president masks (an idea copied from the cheaper PROJECT ELIMINATOR made the year before) and search for the “ultimate ride” while surfing in their spare time. Reeves infiltrates the gang via Lori Petty (whom he falls for). With James LeGros, John C. McGinley, Vincent Klyn, Anthony Kiedis (from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers), Jack Kehler, Tom Sizemore and Elizabeth Berkley. James Cameron was executive producer.

POINT OF DEAD See: VIRTUAL WEAPON

POINT OF IMPACT See: SPANISH ROSE

POINT OF NO RETURN See: THE ASSASSIN

POINT OF TERROR (1971 US) D: ALEX NICOL W/P: CHRIS MARCONI/PETER CARPENTER W: TONY CRECHALES/ERNEST A. CHARLES This over-the-top psychodrama from Crown International (and some of the makers of the dull BLOOD MANIA) opens with an ambitious, hunky lounge singer at The Lobster House (co-writer/producer Carpenter, the star) singing a horrible song (“this is…”), rivaled only in awfulness by the other featured number, Love Beats) while doing some odd interpretive dancing, and wearing an amazing red leisure suit with extreme fringes. He wakes up screaming at the beach, only to meet Dyanne Thorne (ILSA herself, who has topless scenes), the rich playgirl wife of a bitter wheelchair-bound record producer. While Thorne and Carpenter get it on in a relationship based on mutual leeching, we get a flashback to how Thorne and her husband murdered his ex-wife. Soon hubbie ends up drowning in a pool after she teases him like a bullfighter (“ole!”). The plot thickens (and drags) when the dead guy’s estranged daughter turns up and falls in love with Carpenter (who’s left his pregnant girlfriend to fend for herself). Things bounce back for those with patience with a triple surprise ending. Maybe not essential viewing, but sleaze connoisseurs should find quite a bit to enjoy. Co-screenwriter Charles has a part as a detective. The actor Alex Nicol started a directing career back in 1958 with THE SCREAMING SKULL.

POINT THE FINGER OF DEATH (one arm chivalry fights against one arm chivalry; duk bei hap daai chin duk bei hap; du bei xia da zhan du bei xia) (1977 HK) D: CHIN SHENG-EN P: WONG CHEUK-HON It’s another one-armed Wang Yu kung fu flick. This time he’s an honourable swordsman who’s framed for a murder actually committed by another one-armed swordsman. It’s no RETURN OF THE ONE-ARMED SWORDSMAN, but is pretty entertaining. With Lau Kar Wing (also the choreographer), Lung Fei, Leung Kar Yan and Ngai Ping Ngo.

POISON IVY (1992 US) D/W: KATT SHEA RUBEN W/P: ANDY RUBEN W: MELISSA GODDARD Drew Barrymore is a seductive femme fatale teen who moves into Tom Skerritt’s Hollywood home and breaks up the dysfunctional family. It’s all very stylish and very boring. Cheryl Ladd is the wife and Sara Gilbert is the daughter, with Leonardo DiCaprio and Time Winters. Ruben used to make movies for Corman.

POISON IVY 2: LILY (1995 US) D: ANNE GOURSAUD W: CHLOE KING P: PAUL HERTZBERG/CATALINE KNELL Alyssa Milano is a Michigan girl at an LA college for artists in this real boring and unerotic sequel. She finds Ivy’s diary and her actions are influenced by it. Xander Berekeley is a weird art teacher. Blah blah blah. With Jonathon Schaech. THE NOSFERATU DIARIES is another Milano/Goursaud attempt at eroticism from around the same time.

POISON IVY: THE NEW SEDUCTION (body heat 3) (1996 US) D: KURT VOSS W: KAREN KELLY P: CATALAINE KNELL Jaime Pressly takes her kit off in this sequel that’s more like the original and is probably the best of the series. But that’s not really saying much. She returns to her childhood home where her mother worked for a wealthy family. She’s out to destroy the life of a cute rich kid tennis champion. Susan Tyrrell is the maid. With Shannon Moakler.

POLICE A-COMEDY See: RECRUITS

POLICE ASSASSINS (in the line of duty 2; royal warriors; wong ga chin si; huang zhan shi) (1986 HK) D: DAVID CHUNG W: TSANG KAN-CHEUNG P: JOHN SHUM This fun, action-packed kung fu cop movie stars Michelle Kahn (later Yeoh) and Hiroyuki Sanada, out to crush the mob. Michael Wong later joins them for some righteous action, too. The finale and an early scene on a plane in flight are the action highlights. With Michael Chan Wai Man, Kenneth Tsang, Paul Chun Pui, Blacky Ko, Wu Fung, Hui Siu-Hung, Helena Law and Lee Sau Kei. The (less enjoyable) original IN THE LINE OF DUTY aka YES! MADAM (1985) — which kick-started the hyperpopular “battling babe” subgenre featuring tough women kicking ass and taking names — was known as POLICE ASSASSINS 2 in the UK, hence a lot of confusion regarding which entry came first.

POLICE CALL 9000 See: DETROIT 9000

POLICE DRAGON See: CRIME STORY

POLICE FORCE (jing cha; ging chaat) (1973 HK) D: CHOI YEUNG-MING D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW Alexander Fu Sheng had already had a few bit parts in some of Cheh’s earlier films when he got his first (almost) major role in this. He’s only in it at the beginning though, as a karate tournament champion who dies while protecting his girlfriend (Lily Li Li-Li) from a couple of knife-wielding thugs in Kowloon Park. One (Wong Shu-Tong) dies, but the other (Wang Kuang-Yu) gets away with it. Sheng and Li-Li’s best friend (star Wong Chung, who had just been in the classic THE DELINQUENT) joins the police force so he can track him down and get revenge. After a few years, and being promoted to the rank of CID Inspector, he gets his chance. Wang Hsieh is Kwang-Yu’s crimelord boss, and Fung Hak-On is Chung’s not-in-it-much partner. I really like Chung and think he was a charismatic, underrated almost-superstar who never really took off in a big way, and this is a decent cops’n’robbers piece, but lacks something that would make it prime, unmissable entertainment. With Got Dik-Wa, Tung Lam, Fung Ngai, Lo Dik, Bruce Tong, Lau Kar-Wing, Yen Shi-Kwan, Hsu Hsia, Alan Chan Gwok-Kuen, Yuen Shun-Yi, Brandy Yuen, Wong Mei, Wong Pau-Gei, Lee Sau Kei, Lee Pang-Fei, Lee Chiu, Huang Ha, Tino Wong, Dang Tak-Cheung, Chik Ngai-Hung, Max Lee, Lau Jun-Fai, Chui Fat, Yi Fung and Ling Hon. Frankie Chan provides the score, Godfrey Ho was assitant director and Tang Chia and Liu Chia-Liang were the action choreographers. Fu Sheng went on to be a major Shaw Bros star (beginning with the following year’s HEROES TWO) until his untimely death in a car accident in 1983 (he was 29).

POLICE POOL OF BLOOD See: SECRET SERVICE OF THE IMPERIAL COURT

POLICE STORY (jackie chan’s police force; ging chaat goo si; jing cha gu shi) (1985 HK) D/W: JACKIE CHAN W: EDWARD TANG P: LEONARD K.C. HO Chan almost ruined this with too much mugging and unfunny comedy, but there are so many unbelievable, jaw dropping stunts and exhilarating action sequences that you can’t really rate it as less than a classic of its kind. The plot involves cop Chan protecting witness Brigitte Lin from gangsters. But who cares about the story? The script didn’t revolutionise Hong Kong action cinema, but scenes like the destruction of the shopping mall, destruction of the squatters camp, bus chase scene etc etc etc certainly did. A must see for anyone even slightly interested in action cinema, and how it can be done. With Maggie Cheung, Billy Tung, Tai Bo, Clarence Ford, Wu Fung, Michael Lai Siu Tin, Mars, Chor Yuen, Charlie Cho Cha Lee, Lau Chi Wing and Fung Hak On.

POLICE STORY PART 2 (1988 HK) D/W: JACKIE CHAN W: WAI WING PIN KEKCHO P: LEONARD K.C. HO Chan’s cop character has been demoted to motorcycle cop at the beginning of this sequel. Girlfriend Maggie Cheung is in danger from gangsters who want revenge, and another gang of terrorists is destroying stuff with explosives. There’s less comedy than the original (a good thing) and more action and stunts. An overall more evenly entertaining sequel, but it does lack a superstunt spectacle. There are some very well choreographed fight scenes, though. With Mars, Bill Tung, Wu Ma, veteran director Chor Yuen, Guan Sham, Lau Siu Ming, Chiao Chiao, Michael Chow, Ken Lo, John Cheung, Lau Ching Wan, Dennis Chan, Yip Wing Cho, Tai Bo, Charlie Cho Cha Lee, Billy Lau and outtakes at the end.

POLICE STORY 3: SUPER COP (1992 HK) D: STANLEY TONG W/P: EDWARD TANG W: FIBE MA MEI PING/LEE WAI YEE P: WILLIE CHAN CHI KEUNG This one deviates from the usual formula and opts for a more James Bond feel as Chan is assigned to go undercover and root out dangerous arms and drug-dealers. Michelle Yeoh is a public security officer who poses as his sister and outshines Chan when she jumps a motorbike onto a moving train!! With scenes filmed in Malaysia and Thailand, this is a highly satisfying international action adventure with endless stunts, explosions and martial arts. With series regulars Maggie Cheung and Mars, Kenneth Tsang Kong, Bill Tung, Yuen Wah, Phillip Chan and a cameo from the late, great Lo Lieh. Painful looking outtakes are at the end. Yeoh returned as the same character in PROJECT S.

POLICE STORY 4 (1993) See: CRIME STORY

POLICE STORY 4 (1996) See: FIRST STRIKE

POLICE STORY 5 See: NEW POLICE STORY

POLICEWOMEN (the insiders) (1974 US) D/W: LEE FROST W/P: WES BISHOP This one hits the ground running with a ballsy break-out from a police holding cell by a bunch of women, including Jeannie Bell who is soon initiated into a gang of chicks who help an old woman with a younger bodybuilder lover pick-up shipments of heroin. Sondra Currie stars as Lt. Lacy Bond, a self-assured tough female cop with ambitions who eventually goes undercover to bust the gang. Like a lot of Frost and Bishop films it has a laid-back groove that detracts from the dynamism required to really hit the jackpot, but it is good for its type with plenty of violent fights and some nudity. With William Smith as a karate instructor, Susan McIver (who used to be one of Dean Martin’s Golddiggers, and has a topless scene) and Bishop (who had just finished a trilogy of depraved sex movies, SLAVES IN CAGES, POOR CECILY and A CLIMAX OF BLUE POWER with Frost). Frost and Bishop made THE BLACK GESTAPO next.

POLTERGEIST (1982 US) D: TOBE HOOPER D/W/P: STEVEN SPIELBERG W: MICHAEL GRAIS/MARK VICTOR P: FRANK MARSHALL American horror fans must have thought their world had been turned upside town when the guy who made THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE made a family-orientated haunted house movie for Spielberg. It’s ok, I guess, but don’t expect too much. Craig T. Nelson buys a house (from James Karen!) and his family move in. Poltergeist activity occurs and their little girl (Heather O’Rourke) disappears. With Jo Beth Williams, Zelda Rubinstein, Richard Lawson and ex-porn star Sonny Landham.

POLTERGEIST 2: THE OTHER SIDE (1986 US) D: BRIAN GIBSON W/P: MARK VICTOR/MICHAEL GRAIS Very silly and bad sequel has Williams, Nelson, O’Rourke and Rubinstein returning to face impressive but stupid Steve Johnson FX (a boy’s teeth-correcting braces grow and engulf him). There’s nothing else to it. With Geraldine Fitgerald.

POLTERGEIST 3 (1988 US) D/W: GARY A. SHERMAN W: BRIAN TAGGERT P: BARRY BERNARDI I think people were a little hard on this sequel because they objected to the exploitative advertising featuring young O’Rourke (who had died in real-life between filming and release). It’s definitely better than the previous entry, but doesn’t make much sense. Tom Skerritt and Nancy Allen are O’Rourke’s aunt and uncle living in a high-rise. The little girl moves in and the ghost follows. Zelda Rubinstein is back for the third time and Lara Flynn Boyle bursts out of an old woman’s corpse.

POLTERGEIST: THE LEGACY (1996 CAN US) P: BRENT-KARL CLACKSON/ROBERT PETROVICZ This very uninspired and anemic tv series about a group of ghost investigators is on tape if you’re really desperate. Each of the 88 episodes runs around 40 mins. Created by Richard B. Lewis, the regulars were Derek De Lint, Martin Cummins and Helen Shaver. Multiple episode writers are Chris Black, James Cappe, John Benjamin Martin and Grant Rosenberg. Some of the directors are Mario Azzopardi, William Fruet, Paul Lynch and Rafel Zielinski. Guest stars include William Sadler, Nick Mancuso, Suki Kaiser, David Ogden Stiers, Art Hindle, Zelda Rubinstein, Mimi Kuzyk, Rae Dawn Chong, Kim Coates, Michael Moriarty, A. J. Langer, Anthony Michael Hall, Lochlyn Munro, Chad Lowe and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa. It has nothing to do with the POLTERGEIST movies.

POLYESTER (1981 US) D/W/P: JOHN WATERS Waters’ first professional looking (apart from the visible boom mics), shot in 35mm feature is a definite return to form after the disappointing DESPERATE LIVING. In fact, it’s one of his best. Divine is Francine Fishpaw, whose suburban Baltimore family is falling apart. Her husband is the controversial owner of an X rated cinema in town, meaning that the house gets on the news being picketed by busybodies. Her daughter fails all her subjects in school, is only interested in dancing and is dating delinquent Bobo (Stiv Bators). Her son is the notorious Baltimore “foot stomper”, and grandma is an abusive kleptomaniac. Hubby leaves her for secretary Mink Stole (with ridiculous Bo Derek hair), her daughter gets knocked up (“I’m getting an abortion and I can’t wait”) and the son goes to prison. Oh, and the family dog hangs itself. Divine turns to alcoholism, and her best friend Cuddles (Edith Massey in sadly her final role) tries to help her out of her depression. But it’s when she meets seemingly perfect Todd Tomorrow (Tab Hunter, who sings the theme tune) that her life changes for the better. Her children have also reformed themselves and things are going great. The ending is a surprise. This great flick also features a nightmarish vision of a Catholic unwed mothers home, Jean Hill in a funny cameo and the best trick or treat scene on film. With Waters regulars Mary Vivian Pierce, Susan Lowe, Cookie Mueller and George Stover. It’s in Odorama, proving the spirit of William Castle lives on. Apparently that’s Bill Murray (!) singing The Best Thing in one scene.

PONTYPOOL (on air) (2008 CAN) D: BRUCE McDONALD W: TONY BURGESS P: JEFFREY COUGHLAN/ AMBROSE ROCHE Stephen McHattie (in the role of his career) is a button-pushing talk radio host confined to local news and weather at a small, remote local radio station in Pontypool, Ontario (not to be confused with Pontypool in Wales). While on-air, reports relayed to the studio through various nonofficial sources paint a picture of a spontaneous breakdown of public order and murderous mayhem, possibly caused by a viral disease spread through language, with victims in the early stages babbling incoherently. What could have been just a filmed radio play (it was also performed via that medium, and I would like to hear it), this adaptation of Burgess’ novel Pontypool Changes Everything is surprisingly cinematic, thought-provoking and excellent. Probably the most original evolution of the zombie aesthetic since the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, in fact. With McHattie’s real-life wife Lisa Houle, Georgina Reilly and Burgess and Banks as two of Lawrence and the Arabians (this film is also very funny). Nice to see long-time independent filmmaker McDonald (HARD CORE LOGO) still making his presence felt.

POOL See: SWIMFAN

POOLHALL JUNKIES (2002 US) D/W: GREGORY “MARS” MARTIN W: CHRIS CORSO P: KAREN BERINATI/ VINCENT NEWMAN/DAVID PETERS/TUCKER TOOLEY A young pool hustler (played by the director) is sick of his mean mentor (Chazz Palimentri) keeping him under his thumb so tries to get a regular job. He’s soon back in the game though, with a new rich friend (Christopher Walken) to bank roll him in times of trouble. Rod Steiger gets angry and gives some advice and Rick Schroeder is the professional rival. There’s nothing new here story-wise, but this is a fun, freewheeling gambling movie. With Alison Eastwood, Michael Rosenbaum, Glenn Plummer, Corso, Richard Portnow and Frank Gerrish.

POOR ALBERT AND LITTLE ANNIE See: I DISMEMBER MAMA

POOR WHITE TRASH (bayou; legend of the bayou) (1957 US) D: HAROLD DANIELS W: EDWARD L. FESSLER P: M.A. RIPPS Originally titled BAYOU, this b/w melodrama concerns Peter Graves as an architect visiting the Cajun bayou for a possible job, and falling for local girl Lita Milan. Trouble is that the mean, prejudice, jealous, hypermacho Ulysses (Timothy Carey in a scenery-chewing performance that’s a must-see for fans) wants Lita for himself. Carey (and his great dance routine during a celebration) is the best thing about this potboiler. Originally a flop for United Artists, producer Ripps bought the movie back in 1961 and had inserts added (and changed the title). These include an extended sexual groping scene between Graves and Milan (or their doubles) intercut with hurricane footage, a bloody axe-in-the-back insert (which now makes Carey’s eventual defeat seem fatal) and, best of all, an extension of a chase/rape scene in which Carey’s double chases Milan’s double through the woods until she is crawling through mud naked! Of course, this makes the rest of the movie, where the violation isn’t even mentioned and Milan seems fine, pretty weird. But this scene alone, along with an effective ad campaign (and new title) is what led to POOR WHITE TRASH grossing millions as an adults only hit for a decade. It inspired a subgenre of hillbilly appeal exploitation movies. With Douglas Fowley, and an opening and closing banjo theme (also added by Ripps).

POPCORN (1989 US) D: MARK HERRIER D/W: “TOD HACKETT” (ALAN ORMSBY) W: MITCHELL SMITH/ BOB CLARK (uncredited) P: TORBEN JOHNKE/GARY GOCH/ASHOK AMRITRAJ Film students hold an all-night horror and sci-fi movie marathon (complete with William Castle-style gimmicks) to raise money. A mysterious scarred figure, who can change identity with latex masks, kills characters while going after star Jill Schoelen (from THE STEPFATHER). Ormsby got to create the sometimes good old movie recreations before he was replaced by Herrier (a co-star in Clark’s PORKY’S). They are Mosquito, Attack of the Amazing Electrified Man (with Bruce Glover) and The Stench (a H-MAN spoof). POPCORN isn’t really that good, but has fine moments and is at least much better than MIDNIGHT MOVIE MASSACRE (1988). With Dee Wallace Stone, Ray Walston and Tony Roberts. It was filmed in Jamaica.

THE POPE MUST DIE (the pope must diet; the pope) (1991 UK) D/W: PETER RICHARDSON W: PETE RICHENS P: STEPHEN WOOLEY Alleged “comedy” from C4’s Comic Strip team and Richardson (responsible for THE SUPERGRASS and some genuinely funny tv) stars Robbie Coltrane as a priest accidentally elected pope. He cleans up a crooked Vatican and is hunted for it, becoming an assassination target (note the alternate title for certain politically sensitive areas). It was filmed in Yugoslavia and features Ade Edmonson in the only funny part near the beginning. With Herbert Lom, Paul Bartel, Alex Rocco, Beverly D’Angelo, Balthazar Getty, Annette Crosbie, William Hootkins, Robert Stephens, Ernest Clark, Jeff Beck, Demetr Bitenc, John Sessions, Ralph Brown, Relja Basic and Richardson.

POPEYE (1980 US) D: ROBERT ALTMAN W: JULES FEIFFER P: ROBERT EVANS Based on both Max Fleischer’s cartoons and the original E.C. Segar characters, this somewhat slapdash but entertaining comedy musical is a lot of fun if you’re in the mood. Robin Williams is Popeye, who arrives in a small, heavily taxed shipping village run by Bluto (Paul L. Smith!) looking for his father (who turns out to be crooked Ray Walston). Shelley Duvall is Olive Oyl, who helps him look after baby Sweetpea. With Paul Dooley as Wimpy, Donald Moffat as the taxman, Linda Hunt, Wayne Robson, Dennis Franz, Pietro Torrisi (from THE SWORD OF THE BARBARIANS), Doug Dillard, Van Dyke Parks and a big octopus. It benefits from spot on casting and good location work (it was filmed in Malta). Feiffer also wrote LITTLE MURDERS.

PORKY’S (1982 CAN US) D/W/P: BOB CLARK P: DON CARMODY Clark is an underrated filmmaker who can make excellent or at least interesting movies. This one is good and was a huge hit, resulting in sequels and endless imitations. You’ve probably seen at least half-a-dozen of them, but if you haven’t seen this then you should. The plot is simple: Horny school kids in 1950s Florida try to get laid and are tricked by big, sleazy whorehouse manager Porky (Chuck Mitchell). Dan Monahan is top-billed as Pee Wee. With Tony Ganios as Meat, Kim Cattrall as a sexy gym teacher who moans loudly during sex, Susan Clark as Cherry Forever, Nancy Parsons as Ballbricker and Art Hindle. PORKY’S was possibly influenced by the Israeli LEMON POPSICLE series.

PORKY’S 2: THE NEXT DAY (1983 CAN US) D/W/P: BOB CLARK W: ROGER E. SWAYBILL/ ALAN ORMSBY P: DON CARMODY It’s true that this sequel is inferior to the original and that some parts are unsuccessful duplicates of favourite scenes from that classic. But parts are funny, the cast is likeable and check out the cameo from BLOOD FEAST star William Kerwin! There is no Porky this time, the bad guys are the KKK and Fundamentalist Christians. Dan Monahan, Nancy Parsons and most of the same cast return.

PORKY’S REVENGE (1985 US) D: JAMES KOMACK W: ZIGGY STEINBERG P: ROBERT L. ROSEN Monahan, Parsons and most of the same faces return in this very poor final entry from a different D/W/P team. Porky (Chuck Mitchell) also returns, this time with his whorehouse on a riverboat. The plot concerns Meat’s shotgun wedding and a basketball game. Playmate Kim Evenson is topless as Swedish exchange student Inga. Howard Stern has been planning to remake the original PORKY’S for years, to no avail. However in 2009, experienced hack Brian Trenchard-Smith was hired to make PORKY’S: THE COLLEGE YEARS (with a different, younger cast, naturally), rushed into production in order to maintain copyrights. Retitled PIMPIN’ PEE WEE for a brief VOD release, it has since disappeared from the marketplace.

PORNO HOLOCAUST (holocausto porno) (1979 ITL) D: “JOE D’AMATO” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI)/ BRUNO MATTEI (uncredited) W: “TOM SALINA” (LUIGI MONTEFIORE) This (non subtitled) horror porno was shot in the Dominican Republic back to back with Massaccesi’s EROTIC NIGHTS OF THE LIVING DEAD (with the same cast). As far as I can tell, Montefiore (aka George Eastman) leads a small expedition to an island to study something or other. A black guy with minimal makeup smashes the guys’ heads in (minimal gore) and rapes the women. The sex scenes are awful, and it’s all a chore to sit through. Don’t be fooled by the alluring titles or its reputation. Massaccesi also photographed (very well) and appears on-screen as a reporter.

PORNO SAMURAI THEATRE: BOHACHI CODE OF HONOR (bohachi: clan of the forgotten eight; porno jidaigeki: bohachi bushido) (1973 JPN) D: TERUO ISHII W: INUI SAJI Tetsuro Tamba stars as a highly skilled, disgraced former samurai assassin who attempts suicide. He’s rescued by the Bohachi, a clan of ruthless, amoral “beasts in human skin” who torture and rape women to prepare them for the life of a whore. Their leader (Tatsuo Endo) recruits Tamba to kill off any customers of rival whorehouses so that he can corner the market. But Tamba is soon betrayed, expected to waste away on a diet of opium and unlimted sex (these scenes certainly do look tempting). Based on a manga by Kazuo Koike and Gosehi Kojima (as was the LONE WOLF AND CUB series), this was the seventh and penultimate entry in Ishii’s excellent JOYS OF TORTURE series. Although it doesn’t rank with the best in the series, it’s a great, cartoonish, stylised exploitation tour-de-force with violence, nudity, casual sadism and a rousing one-against-all finale (complete with flying limbs). With Ryuhei Uchida, Yujiro Ishihara and Takuzo Kawatani. THE YAKUZA’S LAW: LYNCHING followed.

PORN STAR: THE LEGEND OF RON JEREMY (2001 US) D/W/P: SCOTT J. GILL P: KIRT EFTEKHAR Ron “the hedgehog” Jeremy is an extremely prolific Jewish porn star with a big dick that he can keep hard, cum on cue and has balled so many women that regular guys are endeared to him because he’s a fat, hairy “schlub” who can get the girls. No disrespect to Jeremy, and I appreciate his input to the adult industry, but a feature-length documentary was not really required. The most interesting parts for me was finding out that Al Lewis (!) is his good friend (and says his stand-up routine is “the worst in showbusiness”) and seeing Jeremy attacked by an anti-Semitic neo-Nazi on some talk show (“Hebrew scum”). Jeremy’s constant, dogmatic and desperate attempts to break the mainstream is the main subject. People interviewed include William Margold, Al Goldstein, Seymour Butts, Sharon Mitchell, Larry Flynt, Tabitha Stevens, Jane Hamilton, Chris Cannon, Shanna McCullough, Jenna Jameson, Alisha Kass, Sasha Gabor, Jim Enright, Jim Holliday, Adam Rifkin, Lexington Steele, Matt Zane, Mike Horner, Herschel Savage and we see Corey Feldman and KISS.

PORT OF NEW YORK (1949 US) D: LASZLO BENEDEK W: EUGENE LING/BERT MURRAY/ARTHUR A. ROSS/LEO TOWNSEND P: AUBREY SCHENCK Scott Brady is the determined law officer out to nab crooks who’ve stolen medicinal drugs from a shipment to sell on the streets. This narrated b/w semidocumentary style police procedural thriller doesn’t get into the nitty-gritty of how the drugs are reprocessed or pedaled and is really pretty light and forgettable. But I get a kick out of these type of NAKED CITY-esque movies (this one has narration by Chet Huntley) and Yul Brynner proves that he once did have hair in a large role as the main conniving villain (his debut in fact). With John Kellogg, Henry Rowland, Neville Brand, Fred Graham, Alden “Stephen” Chase and stock footage from the underrated HE WALKED BY NIGHT. The Hungarian Benedek made THE WILD ONE (1953).

THE PORTRAIT See: GIRLS SCHOOL SCREAMERS

PORTRAIT OF FEAR See: PLAYGIRL KILLER

POSEIDON See: DANGER BENEATH THE SEA

THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (1972 US) D: RONALD NEAME D/P: IRWIN ALLEN W: WENDELL MAYNES/STIRLING SILLIPHANT P: STEVE BROIDY (uncredited) An undersea earthquake causes a tidal wave which capsizes a luxury ocean liner (helmed by Leslie Nielsen). Gene Hackman stars as a preacher who leads the survivors through the ship to safety. With Ernest Borgnine, Shelley Winters, Roddy McDowall, Red Buttons, Carol Lynley, Stella Stevens, Jack Albertson, Pamela Sue Martin, Arthur O’Connell, John Crawford, Bob Hastings and David Sharpe. BEYOND THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE was the sequel to this formulaic (old couple, kid etc.) disaster movie based on Paul Gallico’s novel. Remade for the big-screen as POSEIDON in 2006, but that was just pipped to the post by Hallmark’s tv miniseries THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (2005). Both made the original seem better than it was.

POSSE (1993 US UK) D: MARIO VAN PEEBLES W: SY RICHARDSON/DARIO SCARDAPANE P: PRESTON HOLMES/JIM STEELE Mario Van Peebles leads a group of infantrymen (including Tiny Lister, Tone Loc and white Stephen Baldwin) who escape the clutches of their racist, sadistic platoon leader (Billy Zane) in Cuba. They head to New Orleans where they pickup card shark Big Daddy Kane and head for a black town on the western frontier to avenge deaths committed by the Klan (led by sheriff Richard Jordan). Decent western is not flawless and a tad overlong, but is still really enjoyable. Woody Strode introduces the story by giving a historically accurate account of how many cowboys were black, a fact most Hollywood product glosses over. With Salli Richardson, Peebles’ dad Melvin, Pam Grier, Blair Underwood, Isaac Hayes, Paul Bartel, Robert Hooks, Nipsey Russell, Vesta Williams, Richard Edson, Richard Gant, Bob Minor, David Jean Thomas and screenwriter Richardson (a fun, undervalued actor). During the end credits we see clips from THE BRONZE BUCKAROO, HARLEM RIDES THE RANGE and ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST (with Strode). Followed by LOS LOCOS (1997).

THE POSSESSED (1974) See: HELP ME, I’M POSSESSED

THE POSSESSED (1982) See: MANHATTAN BABY

POSSESSED (besat) (1999 DEN NOR) D/W: ANDERS RØNNOW KLARLUND W: OLA SALTIN P: CHRISTEL JACOBSEN/THOMAS MAI/EGIL ODEGARD If the big-budget END OF DAYS was too overblown and silly for you, then you should have a look at this effective and exciting Euro-thriller. Ole Lemmeke is a virologist in Copenhagen investigating a new Ebola-like strain that seems to have originated in Romania. Ole Ernst and Niels Anders Thorn are cops on the trail of religious fanatic Udo Kier. Vague at first, these threads soon meet for a strong, engaging story that’s unfolded gradually (and stylishly). With Kirsti Eline Torhaug, Jesper Langberg, Bjarne Henriksen, Nikolaj Lie Kaas and Iben Hjejle.

POSSESSED (2000 US) D/W: STEVEN E. DE SOUZA W: MICHAEL LAZAROW Terrible, tame EXORCIST rip-off has the same old demonic shit happening to a little boy. About twenty years too late, and it’s not even Italian! Timothy Dalton and Henry Czerny are the priests. With Michael Rhoades, Shannon Lawson, Christopher Plummer, Piper Laurie, Boyd Banks and Scott Wickware. Based on Thomas B. Allen’s book, apparently based on a true story.

POSSESSION (1981 FRA W.GER) D/W: ANDRZEJ ZULAWSKI W: FREDERIC TUTEN P: MARIE-LAURIE REYRE For lack of anything to compare it to, consider this a bit like THE BROOD, but with a terminally weird spin on things. Sam Neill returns from a long haul overseas to his wife Isabelle Adjani, only to find that she is cold and strange. At first it seems that she was having an affair with another guy (Heinz Bennett), but it tuns out that she’s given birth to a tentacled monster that she kills for and which can satisfy her sexual cravings more than any man. Adjani (who, along with Neill, acts captivatingly over-thetop) actually has a dual role and appears topless. Highlights include a messy miscarriage in a subway tunnel, sex scenes with the Carlo Ramabldi designed creature, a funny scene where Neill and Adjani’s argument wrecks a coffee shop and the great ending. It’s set in Berlin and is from an underrated Polish director. With Margit Carstensen and Carl Duering. I recommend this fascinating artefact in it’s full two hours plus cut (beware the 80 min versions).

POSSESSION OF A TEENAGER See: MALABIMBA

POSSESSION OF GHOST See: FIVE FIGHTERS FROM SHAOLIN

THE POSSESSOR See: CRIES AND SHADOWS

THE POSTMAN (1997 US) D/P: KEVIN COSTNER W: ERIC ROTH/BRIAN HELGELAND P: STEVE TISCH/ JIM WILSON In a post-nuke future, Costner is a travelling Shakespearian actor/drifter who ends up impersonating a postman to connect and bring hope to communities fighting against fascistic Will Patton and his army. As pretentious Costner flicks go, it’s better than WATERWORLD, but did it have to be three hours long? Based on David Brin’s novel. With James Russo, Tom Petty, Larenz Tate, Giovanni Ribisi, Olivia Williams, Daniel Von Bargen, Rex Linn, Shawn Hatosy, Mary Stuart Masterson and Tom Bower.

THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE (1946 US) D: TAY GARNETT W: HARRY RUSKIN/NIVEN BUSCH P: CAREY WILSON John Garfield is the drifter who accepts a job at Cecil Kellaway’s gas station/diner when he gets an eyeful of his wife (Lana Turner). They plot to kill Kellaway while having an affair in this noir classic. James M. Cain’s novel had already been filmed as THE LAST TURN, a 1939 French production and the Italian OSSESSIONE from 1943. With Hume Cronyn, Leon Ames, Audrey Totter, Alan Reed, Morris Ankrum, Betty Blythe, Paul Bradley, Jack Chefe, Edward Earle, Byron Foulger, Jim Farley, Joel Friedkin, William Halligan, Paul Kruger, Frank Mayo, Harold Miller, Howard M. Mitchell, Garry Owen, Dorothy Phillips, Jeffrey Sayre, Brick Sullivan and Charles Williams. As well as the well-known 81 remake, there is a Hungarian version from 1998 called PASSION.

THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE (1981 US) D/P: BOB RAFAELSON W: DAVID MAMET P: CHARLES MULVEHILL The critics didn’t much like it, but this is a very good, worthwhile remake with great period detail. Jack Nicholson is the opportunistic drifter who helps Jessica Lange kill her Greek husband John Colicos. With Michael Lerner, John P. Ryan, Anjelica Huston, Don Calfa, Brion James, Virgil Frye and Christopher Lloyd. David Mamet’s screenplay is closer in tone to the original James M. Cain story.

POSTMAN BLUES (1997 JPN) D/W: “SABU” (HIROYUKI TANAKA) P: KAZUKI KATASHIMA/ TARO MAKI/MACHIKO ODOWARA Shinnichi Tsutsumi is a depressed, overworked young postman is wrongfully suspected of being a yakuza courier (and worse) by the police. This cleverly written romantic black-comedy thriller throws in a love story, Ren Osugi as a dying hitman and Keisuke Horibe as a wannabe yakuza (with a framed photo of Ken Takakura on his wall) looking for his missing finger and blends them all perfectly. Highlights include the police hiring an Olympic cyclist to help them and the astounding ending which will depress you and then fill you with joy in a matter of seconds. With Keiko Touyama, Hiroshi Shimizu, Akaji Maro, Susumu Terajima, Tomoroh Taguchi, Diamond Yukai and Sabu himself. Look out for LEON in the assassins audition flashback. Essential viewing. Sabu returned with UNLUCKY MONKEY.

POSTMORTEM (1998 US) D: ALBERT PYUN W: JOHN LOWRY LAMB/ROBERT McDONNELL P: GARY SCHMOELLER/TOM KARNOWSKI Charlie Sheen is an alcoholic American detective and bestelling author in Glasgow, Scotland. A serial killer who drains his victims of blood faxes obituaries to the police prior to their deaths. It’s no classic, but better and more watchable than most of Pyun’s time-fillers. With Ivana Milicevic and Gary Lewis.

POUND (1970 US) D/W: ROBERT DOWNEY P: FLOYD L. PETERSEN This surreal comedy set at a dog pound has all the incarcerated animals waiting to be gassed played by humans (not in costumes or anything). They bicker and argue and sniff and hump each other. Outside a white sniper calling himself the “honky killer” and pretending to be black picks off citizens and hangs out in a drained swimming pool. Parts are extremely funny (some of the dialogue is excellent and extremely quotable), while stretches drag like a pretentious off-Broadway yawner. If it wasn’t so obscure (I saw a timecoded bootleg) it would probably have some kind of cult following. With Antonio Fargas, Charles Dierkop, Don Calfa and Downey’s family (wife Elsie, little boy Robert Jr. and daughter Allison). Downey made it between the more widely seen PUTNEY SWOPE and GREASER’S PALACE (1972).

POWDER (1995 US) D/W: VICTOR SALVA P: ROGER BIRNBAUM/DANIEL GRODNIK A woman who dies from a lightning strike gives birth to a baby with no pigments in his skin. The baby grows up to be a white skinned Sean Patrick Flannery who for no apparent reason is a genius and has powerful telekenetic and psychic abilities (and attracts electricity). Potentially interesting sci-fi premise is very badly underdeveloped for such a major release, and tries to overcompensate for its lack of story with way too much melodrama and a plethora of clichéd, big emotional scenes. With Mary Steenburgen, Jeff Goldblum, Lance Henriksen, Susan Tyrrell, Brandon Smith, Missy Crider, Ray Wise, Phil Hayes, Woody Watson and Brady Coleman.

THE POWER (1968 US) D: BYRON HASKIN W: JOHN GAY P: GEORGE PAL Haskin’s final feature is an engrossing, ahead-of-its-time thriller based on Frank M. Robinson’s novel. George Hamilton is a scientist working on a research project where test subjects are pushed to the extremes of mental and physical pain. One board-member is a psychopathic psychic and telekenetic who can use his powers to kill and is trying to frame Hamilton. But who? Check out the amazing halluciantion FX collage. With Suzanne Pleshette, Richard Carlson, Yvonne DeCarlo, Arthur O’Connell, Aldo Ray, Michael Rennie and Forrest J. Ackerman.

POWER PLAY See: COBRA MISSION

P.P.S. See: PROSTITUTES PROTECTIVE SOCIETY

PRAYER OF THE ROLLERBOYS (rollerboys) (1990 US JPN) D: RICK KING W: W. PETER ILIFF P: ROBERT MICKELSON In a futuristic postwar America, white supremacist drug-dealers on roller skates (led by Christopher Collet and his big perm) are taking over the minds of the young. Corey Haim goes undercover for the cops to help destroy the gang. With Patricia Arquette, Julius W. Harris, Mark Pellegrino and J.C. Quinn. Pretty silly really, but not enough to be worth watching.

PRAY FOR DEATH (1985 US) D: GORDON HESSLER W: JAMES BOOTH P: DON VAN ATTA Sho Kosugi’s family move from Yokohama to the US to start their own business. Gangsters lose drugs on their property so Kosugi soon has to use his secret Ninja skills to keep his family safe from threatening hoods. Screenwriter Booth plays the main villain in this dull action flick. With Kane and Shane Kosugi, Matthew Falson, Parley Baer, Robert Ito and Michael Constantine.

PRECIOUS FIND (outer gold) (1996 US) D: PHILIPPE MORA W: LENNY BRITTON P: BRIAN RIX/JANE UBELL/JOHN REMARK A young prospector in the future hooks up with gambling Rutger Hauer and garbage hauler Captain Brion James (who’s fun as usual) to mine for gold on a desert asteroid. Joan Chen is another ship’s captain (and love interest) who follows them with a double-crossing sidekick. In a hilarious and ridiculous piece of casting Don Stroud is a Japanese Samurai warrior cyborg villain !?! Although it’s pretty much a time-wasting mess, this sci-fi update of TREASURE OF SIERRE MADRE (complete with Peter Lorre impersonation from Mora) is reasonably enjoyable. A computer FX monster lurking under the asteroid’s surface is a nothing subplot. With Tim De Zarn.

PREDATOR (1987 US) D: JOHN McTIERNAN W: JIM THOMAS/JOHN THOMAS P: LAWRENCE GORDON/ JOEL SILVER/JOHN DAVIS Arnold Schwarzenegger and Carl Weathers lead a SWAT rescue team (including Jesse Ventura and Bill Duke) into the jungles of South America. A shape-shifting chameleon alien warrior (Kevin Peter Hall) skins people alive and shoots discs. This sci-fi/action flick is fast moving and slick, but should have been a lot more fun. The FX work (which Steve Wang and Stan Winston worked on) was pretty awesome back then. With Sonny Landham, R.G. Armstrong, Sven-Ole Thorsen and Shane Black. Did the Thomas’s see WITHOUT WARNING before coming up with this? Or maybe, more likely, the 1964 episode of The Outer Limits entitled Fun And Games (itself an uncredited riff on Fredric Brown’s 1944 short story, Arena).

PREDATOR 2 (1990 US) D: STEPHEN HOPKINS W: JIM THOMAS/JOHN THOMAS P: JOHN DAVIS/LAWRENCE GORDON/JOEL SILVER This sequel is set in an LA of the near future (1997). It tries to top the original for action and blood in an urban environment, but it’s not much of an improvement. The Predator (Kevin Peter Hall again) is drawn to the heat of the flames as cops fighting South American drug-dealers blow up downtown LA. Danny Glover investigates voodoo ceremonies involving hearts being ripped out and eventually ends up on the creature’s spaceship (where an ALIEN skull can be seen in a trophy case; anticipating plans to combine the two like FREDDY VS. JASON, based on a comic book). With Gary Busey, Bill Paxton, Ruben Blades, Robert Davi, Maria Conchito Alonso, Morton Downey Jr., Adam Baldwin, Richard Anthony Crenna, Calvin Lockhart and Teri Weigel. Stan Winston supplied the great FX. The creature returned in the terrible ALIEN VS. PREDATOR (2004) and AVP 2 (2007), then the ok PREDATORS (2010).

PREDATOR GAME 3 See: SHADOW CREATURE

PREDATORS OF THE MAGIC STONE See: RAIDERS OF THE MAGIC IVORY

PREHISTORIC PLANET WOMEN See: WOMEN OF THE PREHISTORIC PLANET

PREHISTORIC WORLD See: TEENAGE CAVEMAN

THE PREMATURE BURIAL (1962 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: CHARLES BEAUMONT/RAY RUSSELL After THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER and THE PIT AND THE PENDLUM, Corman made a Edgar Allan Poe movie without Vincent Price. Instead Ray Milland stars as a man terrified that he might be buried alive (he has catalepsy, just like in USHER). A psychedelic scene where he imagines all the foolproof warning systems in his specially designed tomb failing is a highlight of this overlooked gem, my personal favourite of Corman’s Poe cycle. With Hazel Cort, Alan Napier and Dick Miller. Milland was in X: THE MAN WITH X RAY EYES the same year.

PREMONITION (1971 US) D/W: ALAN RUDOLPH P: LEE HARMAN/CHRISTOPHER R. ROBERTSON Rudolph’s directorial debut is a useless, dull and pretentious fantasy about red flowers that cause people to foresee their own deaths. Sleep inducing. He made BARN OF THE NAKED DEAD next.

PREMONITION (1998) See: CONVERGENCE

PREMUTOS (1997 GER) D/W/P: OLAF ITTENBACH P: MICHAEL MULLER/ANDRE STYI This awful low-budget zombie effort (that may remind you of J.R. Bookwalter’s dross) tries to fool you by having a complicated structure jumping back and forth in time, but is really just a plotless gore movie. An old book contains the secret of Premutos and bringing the dead back to life, and, of course, they do come back and invade a household during a birthday party. Its attempts at humour are sub-Troma. Producer Stryi is the top-billed actor, and Ittenbach is on-screen as well (and supplied the pretty good FX). He made the anthology THE BURNING MOON and BLACK PAST prior to this.

PREPPY SCHOOL GIRLS See: BOARDING SCHOOL

PRESCRIPTION FOR MURDER (sawbones) (1995 US) D: CATHERINE CYRAN W: SAM MONTGOMERY P: MIKE ELLIOTT A rejected wannabe medical student and serial killer performs surgery on his victims. Pretty useless Concorde/New Horizons release stars Adam Baldwin as the cop on the case. With Nina Siemaszko, Don Stroud, Barbrara Carrera, Rob Kerchner, Michael James McDonald and look out for Clint Howard. Moments like the vacuum cleaner liposuction are silly enough to make it watchable on latenight cable, I suppose. Roger Corman was executive producer.

THE PRESIDENT’S ANALYST (1967 US) D/W: THEODORE J. FLICKER P: STANLEY RUBIN Psychiatrist James Coburn is drafted in to be the President’s personal analyst and soon becomes hyperparanoid carrying all of his stress, secrets and anguish. The lack of privacy and a demanding schedule leads to him running away with a crazed “liberal” family from New Jersey, and then a bunch of hippies (the band Clear Light, who have a curiously surf guitar sound you don’t expect). Government operatives and foreign agents try to capture him so he doesn’t leak any information. Turns out that TPC (The Phone Company) are behind a mass conspiracy to create the Cerebrum communicator (a brain phone) and are run by robots. Wonderful, inventive, fast-paced and funny political satire co-stars Godfrey Cambridge and Pat Harrington, has Coburn playing a gong, a cool sea-car and a TCP animation. With Barry McGuire, Severn Darden, and Dyanne Thorne (ILSA) as a cocktail waitress. Kurt Neumann was assistant director.

THE PRESIDENT’S MAN (2000 US) D: MICHAEL PREECE/ERIC NORRIS (uncredited) W: BOB GOOKIN P: GARRY A. BROWN Chuck Norris is a university professor with an Asia fetish who likes making tea in his kimono, and is also “The President’s Man”, a top secret agent hired for especially delicate operations. When he’s ready to retire, he has to hire and train replacement Dylan Neal. This dull action movie has hostages rescued from Brazilian terrorists, a Jones-town-style cult and a Colombian drug cartel (run by Soon-Teck Oh). With Stuart Whitman as Norris’ old teacher, Jennifer Tung, Ralph Waite and Thomas Rosales Jr. Chuck and brother Aaron were executive producers, in fact it’s from their Norris Brothers Entertainment company. A sequel followed.

PRESSURE (1997) See: UNDER PRESSURE

PRESSURE (2001 US) D/W: RICHARD GALE W: CRAIG BREWER P: MIKE CURB/HARVEY KAHN/ CAROLE CURB NEMOY Kerr Smith and Lochlyn Munro are a couple of medical students who are victimized by corrupt cops in some Oregon backwoods in this crappy cable filler update of DELIVERANCE style thrillers. With Angela Featherstone, Michelle Harrison, John B. Destry, Brad Sihvon and Gale.

THE PRESTIGE (2006 US UK) D/W/P: CHRISTOPHER NOLAN W: JONATHAN NOLAN P: AARON RYDER/ EMMA THOMAS Playful and hugely entertaining adaptation of a novel by Christopher Priest stars Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman as illusionists in turn of the century London. A tragic death of a loved one leads to a bitter one-upmanship rivalry between the two. David Bowie (!) is the inventor and electricity pioneer Nikola Tesla. To say any more would spoil the careful sleight-of-hand construction of the movie. With Michael Caine, Piper Perabo, Scarlett Johansson, Rebecca Hall, Andy Serkis, Christopher Neame, Roger Rees and Ricky Jay. THE ILLUSIONIST was another much less interesting retro illusion movie from around the same time. I suppose the funny David Mitchell/Robert Webb vehicle MAGICIANS (2007) could be considered the comic flip of these.

PRETTY AS A PICTURE: THE ART OF DAVID LYNCH (1997 US) D/P: TOBY KEELER Behind-the-scenes footage from LOST HIGHWAY (still in production at the time), clips from his films (going back to SIX FIGURES GETTING SICK), a reunion tour of the stables where ERASERHEAD was shot (Keeler was part of the crew) and many brief interview segments fail to convey the wonders of David Lynch’s cinematic output and doesn’t really do much for the long-time fan either. Not so much the doc’s fault (although it is a bit of a puff piece), more a case that, like his films, Lynch doesn’t bare too much analysis (did enjoy the footage of him in his workshop though). There’s also a look at his canvas art (utilising dead insects and small animals). With Barry Gifford, Angelo Badalamenti, Jack Fisk, artist Bushneel Keeler, Jack Nance (whom it’s dedicated to), daughter Jennifer (BOXING HELENA) and son Austin, Mel Brooks, Bill Pullman, Patricia Arquette, Balthzar Getty, Robert Blake and editor Mary Sweeney.

PRETTY MAIDS ALL IN A ROW (1969) See: LOVE FEAST

PRETTY MAIDS ALL IN A ROW (1971 US) D: ROGER VADIM W/P: GENE RODDENBERRY John David Carson is a horny virgin high school senior constantly distracted by girls (to be honest one can’t blame him; the school in this film seems populated only by extremely sexy and promiscuous young women in revealing miniskirts). He finds the body of a dead female student with a message stuck to her ass in the men’s room. While Telly Savalas tries to solve this and other murders, Carson takes advice from Tiger (Rock Hudson!), the married school footbal coach and radical psychologist who seems to be balling all the cute girls. He sets him up with hot substitute teacher Angie Dickinson, even though she’s horny for Tiger. Vadim got to make this somewhat twisted satire (of sorts, but it’s pretty heavy-handed), his first American film, after the success of BARBARELLA. Roddenberry (STAR TREK) based his screenplay on a novel by Francis Pollini. The male wish-fulfillment fantasy with a homicidal angle and a bad-guy-wins ending make it akin to Japanese sex and rape films of the period if you think about it. But no Nikkatsu picture ever managed to get a theme tune (Chilly Winds) from The Osmonds! With Roddy McDowall as the school principal, Keenan Wynn, TREK’s James Doohan, William Campbell, Barbara Leigh, Joanna Cameron, Brenda Sykes, Margaret Markov and June Fairchild.

PRETTY PEACHES (1978 US) D/W: ALEX DE RENZY A very sexy, cute and gullible buxom airhead (Desiree Costeau, who almost resembles Betty Boop come to life and says “golly”) runs away drunk from her father (John Leslie)’s wedding and crashes her car in the desert. A couple of losers find her (one rapes her while unconscious) and take her home when she develops amnesia. Her adventures from here include a forced enema in a public toilet, a gang-rape by women, and she ends up sucking off her oblivious dad at a swinger’s orgy! With Juliet Anderson, Joey Silvera, Paul Thomas and Sharon Kane. The trailblazing Mitchell Bros out of San Francisco backed it. Two direct-to-tv “sequels” followed in 1987 and 1990.

PRETTY WOMAN (hing boon gaai yan; qing ben jia ren) (1991 HK) D/W: YEUNG CHI GIN W: CHUNG WAI HUNG P: LAU CHI WING A rapist salaryman accidentally kills a female co-worker while assaulting her in the office one night. As “luck” would have it he finds her exact double (Veronica Yip) working in a hostess bar. He pays her to pose as the dead girl and hand in her resignation, but matters get complicated when she decides to stay on after falling for the dreamy office hunk (Alex Fong) who had previously rescued her from a couple of rapists. Another subplot involves crooks trying to strong-arm the investment company to give up the building. Utterly schizo Category III romp throws in some action, goofy comedy and lashings of nudity, sex and voyeurism (it’s the place for Yip oglers). Very silly, but never boring. With Charlie Cho Cha Lee, Patrick Keung and even Wu Ma’s in there. Director Yeung later helmed the entertainingly gratuitous THERE IS A SECRET IN MY SOUP.

PREY (alien prey) (1977 UK) D: NORMAN J. WARREN W: MAX CUFF/QUINN DONOGHUE P: TERENCE MARCEL/DAVID WIMBURY This underrated sci-fi/ horror flick isn’t even liked by Warren, but I think more people will now recognise it as a classic of its kind. Barry Stokes is a very confused alien wandering around the woods who’s adopted into the home of a lesbian couple (Sally Faulkner and Glory Annen). The minimal storyline may remind you of VAMPYRES (also with Faulkner) and there are genuinely touching romantic lesbian sex scenes. The ending is all the more shocking for it’s visceral irony in such an idyllic, dreamlike atmosphere. It’s based on D.H. Lawrence’s The Fox! Highly recommended. Italian director Ferruccio Casacci added new footage of a mummy and released this as TERRORE A AMITYVILLE PARK.

THE PREY (1980 US) D/W/P: EDWIN SCOTT BROWN W/P: SUMMER BROWN New World teens-in-the-woods horror is nothing special, but a little different from most of its type. Carel Struycken is a scarred gypsy giant with an axe and there’s a surprise ending. With Jackie Coogan, John Leslie and FX from John Carl Buechler.

THE PREY (2000) See: FATAL CONFLICT

PREY OF THE CHAMELEON (1991 US) D/W: FLEMING FULLER W: APRIL CAMPBELL JONES P: PAT PEACH/RON ROTHSTEIN Daphne Zuniga is an escaped mental patient serial killer who assumes her victims’ identities in this really boring tv movie thriller set in Texas. With James Wider, Red West, Alexandra Paul and David Wells.

PREY OF VULTURES See: THE REVENGE OF THE RESURRECTED

PRIDE AND VENGEANCE See: MAN, PRIDE & VENGEANCE

THE PRIEST KILLER See: WICKED PRIEST

PRIMAL IMPULSE See: FOOTPRINTS

PRIMAL RAGE (gongorilla; rage furia primitiva) (1988 US ITL) D: VITTORIO RAMBALDI W: “HARRY KIRKPATRICK” (UMBERTO LENZI) P: WILLIAM J. IMMERMAN/ JOSI W. KONSKI A film about an experimental lab baboon infecting teens with something that turns them into wild killers should be trashy fun. This however is deadly dull. Bo Svenson is the scientist responsible. I assume that the director and the FX guy (Alex Rambaldi) are related to FX wiz Carlo Rambaldi.

PRIMAL SCREAM See: TWISTS OF TERROR

PRIMAL SPECIES See: CARNOSAUR 3

PRIMARY SUSPECT (1999 US) D: JEFF CELENTANO W: M.F. McDOWELL P: GERALD I. WOLFF/PAUL MASIAK/NEVA FRIEDENN William Baldwin is an ex-federal agent working as a cop who’s framed for murder while trying to nail the man who had his wife killed in this waste-of-time thriller. With Lee Majors, John Fleck and Jeff Olson.

PRIME EVIL (1988 US) D: ROBERTA FINDLAY W: ED KELLEHER/HARRIETTE VIDAL P: WALTER E. SEAR A nun from New England renounces her vows so she can go undercover in Manhattan to infiltrate a cult that worships a “pre-Christian horned God”. Meanwhile star Christine Morris (as a social worker who helps abused hookers) is to be sacrificed. This was shot back to back with the awful LURKERS, and is so boring it makes that look (almost) good. Ed French provides FX for this Crown International release. Findlay directed one more (to date), 1989’s BANNED.

PRIMITIVE DESIRES See: THE MOUNTAIN OF THE CANNIBAL GOD

PRINCE OF DARKNESS (paradigm) (1987 US) D/W: “MARTIN QUATERMASS” (JOHN CARPENTER) P: LARRY FRANCO This odd Carpenter outing is an apocalyptic horror heavily inspired by Nigel Kneale (note Carpenter’s screenwriter pseudonym) and Dario Argento and the DEMONS movies. Donald Pleasence is a Catholic priest who assembles a bunch of undergraduate physics students in an abandoned LA church to study a big glass tube of swirling green matter which could be Satan itself. Meanwhile, a bunch of homicidal homeless people (led by Alice Cooper) gather outside, while the Moon being visible in the daytime and hordes of insects are further signs that all is not well. It starts off pretty well, nicely ambiguous and ominous, but it doesn’t really go anywhere, degenerating into a mess of nonsensical VFX scenes. With Jameson Parker, Lisa Blount, Victor Wong, Dennis Dun and Peter Jason. The Carpenter and Alan Howarth score was later heavily sampled in the excellent Adam Curtis BBC documentary miniseries THE POWER OF NIGHTMARES (2004). Carpenter made THEY LIVE! next.

PRINCE OF SPACE (yusei oji) (1959 JPN) D: EIJIRO WAKABAYASHI W: SHIN MORITA/MASARU IGAMI P: WALTER MANLEY (US VERSION) Joji Oka is a laughable alien with a fake pointy nose and antennae who leads an attempted invasion of Earth. But luckily we have the Prince of space, a shoeshiner (Tatsuo Umemiya) in a mask and cape. He constantly reminds his foes that weapons are useless against him. I think he may be an alien, but it’s not really explained (at least not in the English dub). Two kids befriend and can summon him like in INVASION OF THE NEPTUNE MEN (to which it bares many similarities). It’s quite amusing and in b/w.

PRINCE OF THE SUN See: THE GREAT ADVENTURE OF HOLS

PRINCESS FROM THE MOON (story of the bamboo hunter; taketori monogatari; kaguya) (1987 JPN) D/W: KON ICHIKAWA W: SHINYA HIDAKA/MITSUTOSHI ISHIGAMI/RYUZO KIKUSHIMA P: HIROAKI FUJI/MASARU KAKUTANI/JUNICHI SHINSAKA This gentle period fantasy is based on Shikibu Murasaki’s novel, itself based on a very famous piece of folklore about an elderly couple who find a baby inside a bamboo shoot, and raise the magical girl as their own (KAGUYA HIME is a 1934 screen version). In this slightly different retelling, Yasugo Sawaguchi is the beautiful young woman she quickly matures into, raised by poor labourers Toshiro Mifune and Ayako Wakao after the death of their own daughter. Her beauty soon draws the attention of three suitors (one is co-star Kiichi Nakai), given impossibleseeming tasks to undertake in order to win her hand in marriage. Traditionalists probably won’t like the ending when a real big UFO arrives to take her back to the Moon. And a more modern audience (especially in Japan where the story is so familiar) may find it all too old-fashioned. But this is a lovingly crafted, charming film, a lesser but worthwhile addition to Ichiwkawa’s filmography. With the always great Kyoko Kishida, Jun Hamamura, Koji Shizaka, Shiro Ito, Yasuko Tomita, Katsuo Nakamura and Takeshi Naito.

PRISON (1988 US) D/W: RENNY HARLIN W: C. COURTNEY JOYNER W/P: IRWIN YABLANS An old prison in Wyoming is reopened and prisoners have to work on it. When a walled-up electric chair chamber is opened, the evil spirit of a wrongly executed prisoner escapes and kills. Lane Smith is the crooked warden. Chelsea Field tries to stop him brutalising the prisoners, including heroic Viggo Mortensen. The (real) prison is atmospheric and spooky and there are some good moments, but Joyner’s script makes little sense. With Tiny Lister, Kane Hodder, George Wallace and John Carl Buechler FX. Harlin’s US debut, it looks more expensive than most Empire productions. Charles Band was executive producer.

PRISON ANGEL See: CAGED FURY

PRISON AUCTION See: RAGE OF THE INNOCENTS

PRISON DEAD See: WEREWOLF IN A WOMENS [sic] PRISON

THE PRISONER (1991) See: ISLAND OF FIRE

PRISONER IN THE MIDDLE (warhead) (1974 US) D: JOHN O’CONNOR W/P: BUDDY RUSKIN W: PATRICIA FOULK/DONOVAN KRAMES In this ahead-of-its-time yet deadly dull tv movie, David Jansen is parachuted into Israel to locate and disarm an experimental nuclear bomb that was accidentally dropped there by the US. An evil Arab who blows up a school bus full of kids (!) for no apparent reason, and a group of freedom fighters (including ex-Bond girl Karin Dor) are also after it. With Art Metrano and Christopher Stone.

PRISONER MARIA (female prisoner punisher maria; maria: nyo shu shoke nin) (1994 JPN) D/W: ATSUSHI FURUSHO W: MASUE KIMIJIMA P: YOSHINORI CHIBA/TOKUKO ANAKURA/KOUICHI SUGISAWA Naomi Kawashima stars as Maria, the new inmate at a women’s prison in Thailand. She’s an ex-security policewoman who knows a lot of martial arts, so the warden hires her to assassinate a white slave trade/ drug trafficking kingpin (in return for a reduced sentence). There’s some nudity (not Kawashima), violence (an arm is blown-off) and everything moves along at a snappy pace. Based on a manga by Shintaro Iniwa and Shigeru Tsuchiyama, it’s adequate time filling entertainment. A sequel followed.

PRISONER OF THE CANNIBAL GOD See: THE MOUNTAIN OF THE CANNIBAL GOD

PRISON ESCAPE See: THE ESCAPIST

PRISON HEAT (1992 US) D: JOEL SILBERG W: DAVID ALEXANDER P: ALLAN GREENBLATT Three women take a road trip from Greece to Turkey and have drugs planted on them at the border. They have to escape the dykes, rape, and cheap women-in-prison sets in this dull Cannon release.

PRISON OF THE DEAD (zombie 2001: reborn to kill) (2000 US) D: “VICTORIA SLOANE” (DAVID DeCOTEAU) W: MATTHEW JASON WALSH P: VLAD PAUNESCU Another lump of crap comes down the chute from executive producer Charles Band’s Full Moon directly to your video store/cable receiver. You lucky people! This time a bunch of students from Manhattan are lured to a remote funeral home for a sick joke. Once there they try to find some mythical key in the abandoned prison/torture chamber behind the funeral home and hold a séance that resurrects hooded zombies with glowing eyes and sharp weapons. The teens are either possessed or killed (or both) until DeCoteau figures he’s got enough usable footage and then just ends it. Just plain awful. As one character points out, “this thing’s got the believability of a bad Baywatch Nights episode”. It was filmed in Romania and opens with drum’n’bass music.

PRISON ISLAND See: THE JAIL: THE WOMEN’S HELL

PRISON SHIP See: STAR SLAMMER

THE PRIVATE EYES (mr. boo; baon gan baat leung; ban jin ba liang) (1976 HK) D/W: MICHAEL HUI P: RAYMOND CHOW Brothers Michael and Samuel Hui had already made a couple of movies before hitting it big with this comedy for Golden Harvest. They both star (along with younger brother Ricky Hui) as bumbling private detectives. The plot is secondary to the ongoing parade of mostly old-fashioned slapstick and lowbrow gags. Cynics will have no difficulty tearing it down for being stupid and unsophisticated, but there is no doubting that it has a certain likeable charm, catapulting the Hui brothers into stardom all over Asia. With Sek Kin, Frankie Ng, Mars, Tsang Choh Lam, Huang Ha and a dwarf. I like it a lot, and obviously many others still do as the 2003 homage FANTASIA suggests.

PRIVATE NURSE (heavenly nurse) (1982 FRA) D: GERARD KIKOINE Thoroughly unimaginative and routine hardcore porno quickie about a wealthy businessman’s horny private nurses. Also available in a pointless soft X version. From the director of EDGE OF SANITY.

PRIVATE PARTS (blood relations) (1972 US) D: PAUL BARTEL W: PHILIP KEARNEY/LES RENDELSTEIN P: GENE CORMAN Ayn Ruymen is a young runaway from Cleveland who stays at her aunt Martha’s (Lucille Benson) LA apartment building where all the guests are pretty weird. The late, underrated Bartel’s feature debut is an excellent exploitation flick with some inspired, imaginative touches and a suitably run-down, creepy atmosphere. Andrew Davis’ photography helps (he later became the director of major Hollywood product). Bartel’s next was the very different DEATH RACE 2000.

PRIVATE SCHOOL (1983 US) D: NOEL BLACK W: DAN BREENBURG W: DAN BREENBURG/SUZANNE O’MALLEY P: BEN EFRAIM/DON ENRIGHT Phoebe Cates and Betsy Russell are rivals in this silly sex comedy follow up to PRIVATE LESSONS (1981) set in a school. Matthew Modine is Cates’ boyfriend and Sylvia Kristel has a small part. With Martin Mull, Ray Walston, Kathleen Wilhoite, Lynda Wiesmeier, Brinke Stevens and Frances Bay. The best part is a topless Russell riding a horse, but Cates unfortunately remains fully clothed.

PRODIGAL BOXER See: KUNG FU: THE PUNCH OF DEATH

PRODIGAL BOXER 2 See: SECRET OF THE SHAOLIN POLES

PRODIGAL SON (pull no punches; baai ga chai; bai gu zai) (1981 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG W: WONG JING P: RAYMOND CHOW Here’s the masterpiece that completely revitalised the kung fu genre and kickstarted the “new wave” of fight flicks. Lam Ching Ying is the Peking Opera star who reluctantly teaches Yuen Biao how to defend himself after giving him a good thrashing. Sammo Hung has an incredible calligraphy scene. The groundbreaking, breathtaking fight choreography (especially in the bone-crunching final duel) show Hung at his brutal best (actually Billy Chan, Biao and Lam Ching Ying had a hand in the choreography, too). With Frankie Chan, Peter Chan Lung, Chung Faat, Dick Wei, Chin Yuet Sang, Lee Hoi San, Wu Ma, James Tin Jun, Wong Hap, Lee Man Tai, Fung Lee, Cheung Hei and Yuen Miu. A real must-see.

THE PROFESSIONAL See: LEON

A PROFESSIONAL GUN See: THE MERCENARY (1968)

THE PROFESSOR (1958 US) D/W: TOM McCAIN Apparently, this failed b/w tv pilot (it runs 27 mins) was made by spook show operators in Dayton, Ohio. It’s basically a very talky tale of scientists coming to terms with the fact that a missing scientist friend may indeed be a dangerous werewolf on the prowl (a very briefly seen Doug Hobart, who was in DEATH CURSE OF TARTU and did run a spook show for many years). Other characters include a journalist and communist spies with funny accents. Of limited interest, I guess, with some pretty ripe acting and dialogue, but I kinda enjoyed it. Sinister Cinema have it on an interesting dvd double bill with another failed pilot, TALES OF FRANKENSTEIN.

PROFILE FOR MURDER (1996 CAN) D: DAVID WINNING W: STEVE FISHER P: DAN REDLER/JAMES SHAVICK Is successful lawyer Lance Henriksen responsible for a series of murders where young girls are stabbed through the back of the neck? Joan Severance starts an affair with him to be sure in this boring and predictable erotic thriller. With Jeff Wincott, Benjamin Ratner and Winning.

PROFILE OF TERROR See: THE SADIST

PROGENY (species return) (1999 US) D: BRIAN YUZNA W: AUBREY SOLOMON/STUART GORDON P: JACK F. MURPHY/HENRY SEGGERMAN Arnold Vosloo is a confused ER doctor in therapy for hallucinations and a lapse of time he and his wife can’t account for. During hypnosis he tells a disbelieving psychiatrist (Lindsay Crouse) that his wife was abducted by aliens. The pregnant wife is also hypnotised and it turns out she was artificially inseminated by them. She has painful spasms and becomes more and more protective of the child that Vosloo wants to terminate. He goes to alien abduction investigator Brad Dourif (who’s written a book on the subject and shows Vosloo grainy footage of a chestburster scene smuggled out of Russia) for help. There are lots of dream/ hallucination/flashbacks, one of which almost looks like a scene from a Japanese tits’n’tentacles movie. It’s not bad but suffers from a downbeat ending that suggests the filmmakers didn’t know how to conclude matters. With David Wells and Wilford Brimley as a kindly doctor. Screaming Mad George’s FX are mostly very good, but the first time we see the aliens on their ship they look like something out of a joke shop. Gordon was an executive producer.

PROHIBITED SEX See: SEXY PROBITISSIMO

PROJECT A (agai waak; aji hua) (1984 HK) D/W: JACKIE CHAN W: EDWARD TANG P: LEONARD K.C. HO Jackie Chan is a coastguard who teams up with gambler Sammo Hung to fight pirates (led by Dick Wei) at the turn of the century. However. most of the film deals with the disbanding of the coastguard due to political problems. Much of the martial arts is excellent, and some of the stunts are outrageous (Yuen Biao helps out Jackie and Sammo in this regard). But I’m sure I’m not the only person who thinks the comedy is laid on a bit too thick. With Tai Bo, Mars, To Siu Ming, Lee Hoi Sang, John Cheung Ng Long, Kwan Hoi San, Lau Hak Suen, Kwan Yung Moon, Wong Wai, Hon Yee Sang, Wu Ma, Fung Ging Man, Chin Kar Lok and Yue Tau Wan. Chan almost died (again) when a falling off a tower stunt went wrong. Footage of this can be seen during the end credits (a great tradition of mondo-like footage during the end credits I think).

PROJECT A: PART 2 (agai waak chuk chap; a ji hua xu ji) (1987 HK) D/W: JACKIE CHAN P: LEONARD K.C. HO This sequel is without Hung and Biao but thankfully has less goofy comedy, so overall it’s on a par with the original. This time Jackie Chan is a member of the Dock Police patrol and has a new pirate leader adversary. With Maggie Cheung, Rosamund Kwan, Bill Tung, Michele Ries, Mars, Tai Bo, Ken Lo, Jue Tit Wah, Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Kwan Hoi San, Ricky Hui, Fan Mei Sheng, Anthony Chan, Lee Hoi Sang, Michael Chan, Johnny Cheung Wa, Alan Chan, John Cheung Ng Long, Kenny Bee and Chan imitating an old, very dangerous Buster Keaton stunt.

PROJECT EAGLE See: ARMOUR OF GOD 2

THE PROJECTED MAN (1966 UK) D: IAN CURTEIS W: JOHN C. COOPER/PETER BRYAN/FRANK GUATTROCCHI P: MAURICE FOSTER/JOHN CROYDON FLY inspired sci-fi horror is not brilliant, but is fun. Bryant Halliday is the scientist working with lasers and the transportation of matter. When he transports himself he turns into an unhinged killer with a disgusting half-melted face and lethal touch of electricity. A darkly comic scene has him accidentally burning down a house. With Mary Peach, Tracy Crisp and Sam Kydd. Richard Gordon was executive producer.

PROJECT GENOCIDE See: STARSHIP INVASIONS

PROJECT: KILL (total control) (1976 US) D: WILLIAM GIRDLER W: DONALD CALEN THOMPSON P: DAVID SHELDON Government agent Leslie Nielsen refuses to train assassins controlled by experimental drugs, defects and is hunted down while going through withdrawal in this tedious espionage thriller filmed in the Philippines. With Nancy Kwan, Gary Lockwood, Vic Diaz and Thompson.

PROJECT: METALBEAST (1995 US) D/W: ALLESANDRO DE GAETANO W: TIMOTHY E. SABO/ROGER STEINMANN P: FRANK HILDEBRAND Kim Delaney is a military scientist who ends up terrorised by Kane Hodder in a big monster suit after someone thought it would be a good idea to inject a corpse with werewolf serum. Dumb and dull. With Barry Bostwick, Brian Brophy and Musetta Vander.

PROJECT MOONBASE (1953 US) D: RICHARD TALMADGE W/P: JACK SEAMAN W: ROBERT HEINLEIN This b/w Lippert release is in fact episodes of an unsold tv series. A man and a woman blast off into space in shorts and t-shirt to establish a space station. They discover their assistant is a communist spy and end up getting married on the Moon at the end. With Hayden Rorke, Robert Karnes and James Craven. It was the first “feature” based on Heinlein’s writings since DESTINATION MOON. It’s for early tv or sci-fi completists only.

PROJECT: SHADOWCHASER (shadowchaser) (1992 US) D/P: JOHN EYRES W: STEPHEN LISTER P: GEORGE GRIFFITHS In this DIE HARD copy, Martin Kove is released from a cryogenic prison to battle terrorists who’ve taken the President’s daughter (Meg Foster) hostage in a hospital. Frank Zagarino as an android and Joss Ackland are the main villains. With Paul Koslo. Filmed in London and Canada. Lloyd Simandl was an executive producer. It’s not very good, but watchable and was a minor hit on video. So New Line made the sequel NIGHT SIEGE.

PROJECT SHADOWCHASER 3 See: BEYOND THE EDGE OF DARKNESS

PROJECT V.I.P.E.R. (gelatinous) (2002 US) D: “JAY ANDREWS” (JIM WYNORSKI) W: CURTIS JOSEPH/ DAVID MASON P: PAUL HERTZBERG A canister is stolen from a government lab. Whatever is inside escapes and becomes a tentacled bad visual FX creation living in the sewers of a small town where Tim Thomerson is sheriff. Nothing is fully explained in this sci-fi bore that stars a particularly annoying Patrick Muldoon as an FBI agent. With Theresa Russell, Daniel Quinn, Curtis Armstrong and John Beck.

PROJECT X (1968 US) D/P: WILLIAM CASTLE W: EDMUND NORRIS In Castle’s penultimate film as director, Christopher George is a futuristic secret agent in an operating room with surgeons creating all sorts of realities for him by fiddling with his brain. Even though this pretty bad (and pretty odd) film fumbles the ball when introducing some supposedly suspenseful nonsense about a deadly id/subconscious mass (animated by Hannah-Barbera) being released (I guess inspired by FORBIDDEN PLANET), Castle deserves a tip of the hat for exploring such territory decades before it became fashionable in cinema (i.e. THE TRUMAN SHOW, MATRIX, eXistenZ etc.). It’s actually based on a novel by Leslie P. Davis. With Monte Markham, Keye Luke, Henry Jones and Harold Gould. Castle made SHANKS in 1974, his directorial swansong.

PROMISCUOUS WIFE: DISGRACEFUL TORTURE See: THE BEDROOM

PROM NIGHT (1980 CAN) D: PAUL LYNCH W: WILLIAM GRAY/ROBERT GUZA JR. P: PETER R. SIMPSON/ RICHARD SIMPSON Who’s slaughtering high school seniors responsible for the death of Jamie Lee Curtis’ sister? Could it be the cliché lurking janitor with hedge trimmers? Or the escaped mental patient copied from HALLOWEEN? Events come to a head at the prom disco where the dancing is far more gratuitous than the violence. Crap when it was new, but trashy fun now. With Leslie Nielsen as Curtis’ school principal dad and Jeff Wincott. An unrelated picture became HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT 2. A dull PROM NIGHT remake from 2008 makes this seem like a classic.

PROM NIGHT 3: THE LAST KISS (1988 CAN) D/W: RON OLIVER D/P: PETER SIMPSON P: RAY SAGER Mary Lou, the ghost who haunts Hamilton high school falls in love with a student and kills people in order to make him successful and popular in this ridiculous horror comedy sequel. There’s some light gore, stupid jokes and a teacher gets his hands impaled with ice cream cones. Sager is, of course, a H.G. Lewis veteran. With Cindy (Cynthia) Preston, Dylan Neal, Roger Dunn and Laurie Hibberd.

PROM NIGHT 4: DELIVER US FROM EVIL (1991 CAN) D: CLAY BORIS W: RICHARD BEATTIE P: RAY SAGER You could argue that none of the entries in this unrelated series are good, but this is the only one that didn’t entertain me even a little bit. A puritanical monk kills and burns a couple of horny teens fucking in a car on prom night 1957. He’s locked in a monastery cell for 34 years and then escapes (he hasn’t aged!) to menace two more teen couples with sex on their minds at a remote house that used to be a monastery. There’s no gore, suspense, nudity or engaging stupidity. Just boredom. Characters toast Jamie Lee Curtis and Sager acts.

PROM NIGHT 5 See: THE CLUB

PROPHECIES OF NOSTRADAMUS (the last days of planet earth; catastrophe 1999; nostradamus no daiyogen) (1974 JPN) D: TOSHIO MASUDA W: YOSHIMITSU BANNO P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA/OSAMU TANAKA Toho’s follow up to the previous year’s hit SUBMERSION OF JAPAN (which was also a hit tv series), and a jazzed-up update of their 1961 picture THE LAST WAR. Pollution, ruthless land development, overpopulation and man’s general disregard for the environment results in the gradual end of the world, as prophecised by 16th century French astrologer and sage Nostradamus. Tetsuro Tamba (who has a lot to say, and whose performance is quite poor) stars as a pediatrician, and last in a long line of persecuted believers who tries to get the powers-that-be (including PM So Yamamura) to listen before it’s too late. Rapid climate change results in dead poisonous fish, giant slugs, snow in Egypt, killer weeds in subway tunnels, a rain of leeches, holes in the ozone layer, melting ice-caps, vampire bats and pot-smoking hippies (looking like they stepped out of GOZDILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER) riding motorcycles off cliffs (dangerous looking stunts). Mt. Fuji erupts during an earthquake, Fukushima power plant explodes (this part was prophetic) and eventually a thermonuclear war destroys everything. The sight of two postnuke mutants fighting over a snake (a memorable image) was one of the main scenes that caused Toho embarrassment (offensive to survivors of Hiroshima and Nagasaki), and resulted in them withdrawing the film from distribution in Japan (the other being radioactive New Guinea cannibals, played by Japanese extras in blackface, attacking a scientific expedition). A cut (by about 25 mins) version did play abroad though. A different version released in the US (THE LAST DAYS OF PLANET EARTH) ran 88 mins, but was cut only for boring talk, so did include the objectionable scenes. The laserdisc of this version used to be a collector’s item, but now you can download an English-subtitled version of the full 114 mins cut if you know where to look (this review refers to that version). PROPHECIES OF NOSTRADAMUS is an ambitious, memorable mess. Hysterical, overwrought, laughable and (worst of all) preachy, it’s also loaded with memorable imagery (like a reflecting sky mirroring the skyscrapers of Tokyo) and ahead-of-itstime (and very entertaining). With Toshio Kurosawa, Kaoru Yumi (who shows off her ballet movies in one very silly scene), Takashi Shimura, Yoko Tsukasa, Akihiko Hirata, Hiroshi Koizumi, Jun Hamamura, Taketoshi Naito, Mizuho Suzuki and Tatsu Nakamura. Kyoko Kishida reads extracts of Nostradamus (I assume from Ben Goto’s then-popular best-selling translation). Many of the FX were later reused elsewhere (and it uses FX scenes from THE LAST WAR and SUBMERSION).

PROPHECY (1979 US) D: JOHN FRANKENHEIMER W: DAVID SELTZER P: ROBERT L. ROSEN Humanitarian ghetto doctor Robert Foxworth is asked to settle a land dispute between Native Indians (led by Armand Assante) and a paper mill by determining whether or not the company is contaminating the countryside. They are indeed, and mercury poisoning somehow results in a giant mutant bear (Kevin Peter Hall in a suit) that seems to change size several times. With Talia Shire as Foxworth’s grim, pregnant wife and Richard Dysart. Frankenheimer delivered this very dull eco-horror between his brilliant BLACK SUNDAY and odd THE CHALLENGE.

PROPHECY (2002) See: THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES

THE PROPHECY (god’s army) (1994 US) D/W: GREGORY WILDEN P: JOEL SOISSON Christopher Walken has one of his better custom-fit roles as a fallen Angel collecting an army of damned souls on Earth, unable to ascend to heaven because he has incited a war against God there. Eric Stoltz is a good angel trying to stop him getting his hands on ex-priest cop Elias Koteas. This mid-budget action fantasy is pretty cool, a lot better than the Wilden-scripted HGHLANDER, for instance. With Virginia Madsen, Adam Goldberg, Amanda Plummer, Viggo Mortensen, and J.C. Quinn. It’s worth seeing in the alternate GOD’S ARMY cut with a better (less disappointing) ending.

THE PROPHECY 2 (god’s army 2) (1997 US GERMANY) D/W: GREG SPENCE W: MATT GREENBERG P: W. K. BORDER/JOEL SOISSON More good angel vs bad angel stuff. Christopher Walken returns as Gabriel and Russell Wong is the good angel who conceives a child with human Jennifer Beals. With Brittany Murphy, Eric Roberts, Tom Towles, Danny Strong, Kathyn Morris and Ethan Embry. It’s more-or-less TERMINATOR again, there’s even a climactic fight in an old factory. Not bad, but a major step down from the original.

THE PROPHECY 3: THE ASCENT (god’s army 3) (2000 US) D: PATRICK LUSSIER W/P: JOEL SOISSON W: CARL V. DUPRE P: W. K. BORDER The halfhuman/ half-angel kid born in part two grows up to defend the Earth against a major fallen Angel (Scott Cleverdon) in this lesser entry. Christopher Walken returns as a reformed good guy human (with long hair). The main villain is played by Vincent Spano and Brad Dourif’s around just long enough to get a credit. It’s the worst of the series, but still a little more thoughtful and interesting than most video shelf filler (and Walken’s always worth watching). With Jack McGee, Linnea Quigley as a hooker and series creator Gregory Wilden. Two more unwelcome cash-in sequels followed in 2005.

THE PROPHET’S GAME (1999 CAN) D: DAVID WORTH W: CAROL CHREST P: WILLI BAER/ROBERT YOCUM/YAEL STROH A serial killer who posts clues in the form of a riddle game on the internet kills and dismembers minor celebrities and college students (who look way too old) when they get the answers wrong. Dennis Hopper stars as an ex-cop whose daughter was a victim. It cuts away from the grisly murders, but disgusting crime scene photos and a maggot riddled body are shown. It’s a pretty typical, slightly confused, unremarkable but watchable straight-to-video thriller. Stephanie Zimbalist is a faithful, put-upon cop who helps Hopper. With Sondra Locke, Shannon Whirry, Robert Ginty, Don Swayze, Geoffrey Lewis, Greg Lauren, Patrick Thomas, Michael Dorn, Skye McCole Bartusiak, Taylor Momsen (from THE GRINCH) and Yocum.

THE PROPOSAL (2000 US) D/W: RICHARD GALE W: MAURICE HURLEY P: MIKE CURB/HARVEY KAHN/CAROLE CURB NEMOY Nick Moran and Jennifer Espisoto are undercover cops who have to pose as a married couple to get evidence against gangster Stephen Lang. Watchable/ forgettable cable filler romantic thriller with predictable twists. With Mike Kopsa, Mark Acheson, Tom Heaton, Craig March and Gale.

THE PROPOSITION (2005 AUSL UK) D: JOHN HILLCOAT W: NICK CAVE P: CHRIS BROWN/JACKIE O SULLIVAN/CHIARA MENAGE/CAT VILLIERS A bushwhacker outlaw (Guy Pearce) is promised a pardon for himself and his imprisoned, weakling brother (Richard Wilson) for the crime of rape and murder by a burnt-out British captain (the always excellent Ray Winstone, who optimistically exclaims “I will civilise this land”), on the condition that he kills a notorious gang leader, his brother (Danny Huston, son of John). This morality tale Out East combines great ensemble acting, brilliant Outback photography from Benoit Delhomme, authentic costume and production design, a fine score from screenwriter Cave and Warren Ellis, and Hillcoat’s fine balance of meditative beauty and grisly violence to great effect. With Emily Watson, John Hurt, David Wenham, David Gulpili and (very briefly) Noah Taylor (and lots and lots of flies). Hillcoat and Cave had previously collaborated on 1988’s GHOSTS… OF THE CIVIL DEAD (and several music videos for Cave).

PROSTITUTES PROTECTIVE SOCIETY (p.p.s.) (1965 US) D/P: BARRY MAHON The Cosa Nostra use extreme violence to muscle in on the European Madame Sue’s Times Square territory in this 62 mins b/w roughie. Girls and johns are strangled and shot (with a tommy-gun). The head gangster is eventually castrated. In the best, priceless scene earlier in the film, he’s seen (in his suit, tie and hat) really enjoying himself (alone) while on the rides (including spinning teacups) at an amusement park at the 1964 World’s Fair! The instrumental music is by Vinnie Rogers And The Rockets. With Darelene and Dawn (aka Rita) Bennett. I enjoyed myself with this.

THE PROTECTOR (wei lung meng tan; wai lung maang taam) (1985 US HK) D/W: JAMES GLICKENHAUS D: JACKIE CHAN W: KING SANG TANG (HK version) P: SHEK HONG CHAN/LEONARD HO If you discount the CANNONBALL RUN movies, this was Jackie Chan’s second attempt to crack the US market (after THE BIG BRAWL). Like BRAWL, it’s not very good. Chan and Danny Aiello are NYC cops who team up to bust a drug ring in Hong Kong. There are some ok action scenes and nudity, but it just doesn’t work and Aiello and Chan are not a good team. Chan tried to save the HK cut by adding an extra half hour of action more typical of Chan (i.e. light and comedic). With Moon Lee, Paul L. Smith, Jesse Cameron Glickenhaus, Big John Studd, Bill “Superfoot” Wallace, Mike Starr, Lee Hoi San, Roy Chiao, Sally Yeh and Wai Shum. Some of whom are not in both versions. Chan didn’t try America again until the mid-90s, whereupon he was much more successful.

THE PROTECTOR: KRAGO’S ISLAND (body armour; conway) (1996 US) D/W: JACK GILL W: STUART BEATTIE/ANDREA BLACK/DUNCAN McLACHLAN W/P: STEVEN PAUL A martial arts fighting bodyguard is hired by his ex-fiancée to investigate corrupt virologist Krago (Ron Perlman), who makes deadly viruses on his remote island laboratory. Then he beats the rest of the competition by releasing his vaccine first. Stupid and boring. Clint Howard has a larger than usual part, though and John Rhys-davies appears briefly as a sleazeball. With Carol Alt, Michael Paul Chan, Shauna O’Brien and Gill.

PROTEUS (1995 UK) D: BOB KEEN W: JOHN BROSNAN P: PAUL BROOKS Six heroin smugglers (including British undercover cop Craig Fairbrass, the star) get stranded on an oil rig after their yacht burns down. The place turns out to be a secret biological research plant with a morphing mutant shark monster that can ingest personalities on-board. It also inherits a junk habit. The leads are irritating, the wisecracks aren’t funny and the monster is pretty stupid looking. Doug Bradley (Pinhead in the HELLRAISER movies) turns up for a short while (under a lot of latex) before getting offed. Ok time-waster is based on Brosnan’s novel (written under the name Harry Adam Knight).

THE PROWLER (1951 US) D: JOSEPH LOSEY W: HUGO BUTLER/DALTON TRUMBO/ROBERT THOERON/ HANS WILHELM P: “S.P. EAGLE” (SAM SPIEGEL) Van Herlin is excellent as Webb Garwood, a beat cop who makes the moves on a lonely wife (Evelyn Keyes) after meeting her on a routine prowler call. His scheming ways however, would not work without her complicity, making the story arc of this ahead-of-its-time noirish psychodrama complex, surprising and unique. Highly recommended, a classic in need of an audience. In b/w, with John Maxwell, Emerson Treacy, Madge Blake, Wheaton Chambers. Sherry Hall, Bess Flowers, George Nader, Tiny Jones and the voice of McCarthy-era blacklist victim Trumbo (who originally went uncredited). Losey helmed the M remake the same year.

THE PROWLER (rosemary’s killer; the graduation) (1981 US) D/P: JOSEPH ZITO W: GLENN LEOPOLD/ NEAL F. BARBERA P: DAVID STREIT Here’s a good hard-edged slasher flick worth separating from countless other inferior quickies. It begins with newsreel footage of American soldiers returning home after WWII, and one soldier receiving a “Dear John” letter from his girl. A pitchfork murder at a school graduation dance results, and 35 years later a figure in a hard helmet returns to kill teens in graphic ways at a school graduation celebration. Tom Savini’s FX come into their own in scenes like when a naked girl in the shower gets a pitchfork in the stomach, or her boyfriend with a bayonet through his head. Could the person responsible be the wheelchair-bound voyeur major (Lawrence Tierney, who had been in Zito’s earlier ABDUCTION and BLOODRAGE)? With Farley Granger as the sheriff. Leopold usually wrote SCOOBYDOO episodes! Zito made the much less interesting FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 4 next.

PROZZIE See: DOUBLE JEOPARDY

PSYCHED BY THE 4D WITCH (a tale of demonology) (1972 US) D/W: VICTOR LUMINERA Here’s another unearthed rarity from Something Weird Video to make you doubt you own sanity. Cindy (a girl in a long, curly wig) narrates how her thoughts were invaded by Abigail, a Salem witch from colonial times. She teaches Cindy “sexual witchcraft”. When Abigail says “let’s fantasy fuck now” Cindy reaches orgasm, first through masturbation and later by seducing her new neighbour Mr. Jones (“go peddle your sex somewhere else. I’m a homo”). And best of all Cindy can “still remain a virgin for my daddy”!?! Later on Cindy’s brother figures in the story somehow and becomes a “sex vampire” with fake, joke shop fangs. Don’t forget that the whole movie is shown in “Transthetic vision” and has more psychedelic visual FX overkill than you would have thought possible. Apparently the star is Edward Albert’s mother. Also with “a host of astral demons”. You’ll be humming the theme tune for days, racing down the record shop to look for Joe Bisko and Johnny By The Way.

THE PSYCHIC (1977) See: MURDER TO THE TUNE OF SEVEN BLACK NOTES

PSYCHIC (psychic war) (1991 CAN) D: GEORGE MIHALKA W: MIGUEL TEJADA-FLORES/PAUL KORVAL/ MARK McQUADE CRAWFORD/WILLIAM CRAWFORD P: TOM BERRY Zach Galligan is a student psychic who has premonitions of girls being murdered by a guy in shades. He knows all the details, so the police think he’s the killer. It’s actually respected police psychologist Michael Nouri. There is a love interest that involves both men. With Ken James, Clark Johnson, Andrea Roth and Sandi Stahlbrand. Not bad, and better than Mihalka’s more famous MY BLOODY VALENTINE.

PSYCHIC (1993) See: BEYOND BEDLAM

PSYCHIC KILLER 2 See: ISLAND OF DEATH

PSYCHIC WAR See: PSYCHIC (1991)

PSYCHIC WARRIORS See: DOCTOR MORDRID

PSYCHO (1960 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: JOSEPH STEFANO Based on Robert Bloch’s Ed Gein-inspired 1959 novel, this is the b/w classic that you’re convinced you’ve seen even if you actually haven’t. And if you haven’t then you should, because I’m sure you’ve sat through dozens of lesser slasher films that will insist on including an inferior shower stabbing scene. Bernard Hermann’s score is also another victim of inferior plagiarism, and Anthony Perkins never would escape the shadow of Norman Bates (a fat man in the book, by the way). Janet Leigh runs away from her employer in the city with a stash of cash and ends up at the deserted Bates Motel. You know what happens next, but even if you do (and I bet you do) and you’ve seen the film 100 times, it’s still suspenseful and captivating as Vera Miles and Martin Balsam investigate. With John McIntire, Simon Oakland, Frank Albertson, Lueren Tuttle, John Anderson, George Eldredge, Sam Flint, Virginia Gregg, Ted Knight, Jeanette Nolan, Hitchcock and a final shot guaranteed to chill the spine every time. Saul Bass was largely responsible for choreographing and story-boarding the shower scene, a fact largely ignored by the recent Anthony Hopkins-in-a-fatsuit biopic HITCHCOCK (2012).

PSYCHO (1998 US) D/P: GUS VAN SANT W: JOSEPH STEFANO P: BRIAN GRAZER You’d have to be crazy to remake Hitchcock’s classic, and this 90s colour update (in some ways) goes one step further by reusing sets, camera angles, edits and dialogue. If you overlook its pointlessness, it’s quite good, but Vince Vaughn is a poor substitute for Anthony Perkins. Anne Heche is killed in the shower, Julianne Moore is the sister and William H. Macy is the private detective. With Chad Everett, Robert Forster, Philip Baker Hall, James Le Gros, James Remar, Rance Howard, Rita Wilson, Flea, Van Sant and Ken Jenkins. Christopher Doyle was photographer; Danny Elfman and Steve Bartek rewrote Bernard Herrmann’s score.

PSYCHO II (1983 US) D: RICHARD FRANKLIN W: TOM HOLLAND P: HILTON A. GREEN Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) is declared sane and returns to Bates Motel after 22 years in an asylum in this surprisingly ok sequel from the director of ROAD GAMES. The killings start again, but plot twists make it a bit more interesting. With Meg Tilly, Vera Miles, Robert Loggia, Dennis Franz, Lee Garlington and Holland. The other sequels sucked. Robert Bloch’s Psycho II novel was unrelated (he also wrote a third, Psycho House).

PSYCHO 3 (1986 US) D: ANTHONY PERKINS W: CHARLES EDWARD POGUE P: HILTON A. GREEN Thre’s no denying that Perkins is one of the great psycho actors, but he should have never stepped behind the camera. This entry is bad and ridiculous, but not enough to make it entertaining. He falls in love with a disgraced nun (Diana Scarwid). Jeff Fahey is an arsehole rock guitarist wannabe who gets a job at the motel. Flashbacks to the original are used badly, but they’re better than any of the new footage. In keeping with the bathroom murder theme a woman gets sliced up on the toilet. With Katt Shea, Lee Garlington and Brinke Stevens as Scarwid’s body double.

PSYCHO 4: THE BEGINNING (1990 US) D: MICK GARRIS W: JOSEPH STEFANO P: GEORGE ZALOOM/ LES MAYFIELD Anthony Perkins returns as a nowmarried Norman Bates, reliving the past as a radio talk show guest (Henry Thomas from E.T. is a young Norman in flashbacks) in this time-filler sequel. Olivia Hussey is his mother in her younger days. With C.C.H. Pounder and John Landis as a radio producer. Stefano adapted the original PSYCHO. Garris later directed several Stephen King adaptations. BATES MOTEL is another tv Bates movie with Bud Cort.

PSYCHO A GO-GO (1965 US) D/P: AL ADAMSON W: MARK EDEN/CHRIS MARTINO In 1961, Al Adamson tried his hand at directing for the first time with a western (HALFWAY TO HELL) with his dad (Vic Adamson, aka cowboy star Denver Dixon). Apparently he was not pleased with the results (I don’t know if this film still exists). In 1964, Adamson returned behind the camera to work on something called ECHO OF TERROR (or TWO TICKETS TO TERROR), that was eventually completed in 65 as PSYCHO A GOGO, complete with added go-go dancing inserts. It was never released back then, but has crept out on video from Troma. I think that’s Adamson himself as the man who gets shot by his partner when a jewel robbery goes wrong. The loot is thrown into the back of a pick-up truck, and the owner’s family is soon threatened by the crooks following up on the licence plate number. A little black minstrel doll called Christy is integral to the story. It was shot by Vilmos “William” Zsigmond, Vic Adamson was production manager and The Vendells provide backing when the main female lead sings My LA. I don’t think it’s either a particularly good or bad picture, and certainly not prime, typical Adamson work. But it was utilised to create just such a film, which may account for some of PSYCHO A GO-GO seeming familiar to you. In 1967, more footage with John Carradine was added to make it seem more like a sci-fi/ horror (FIEND WITH AN ELECTRONIC BRAIN), this was also unreleased it seems. In 1971, more footage was added and it went to tv as THE MAN WITH THE SYNTHETIC BRAIN. You are most likely familiar with it as a gorier cut that played theatres as BLOOD OF GHASTLY HORROR in 72. After PSYCHO A GOGO, Adamson made his first proper released debut, BLOOD OF DRACULA’S CASTLE in 1969.

PSYCHO BEACH PARTY (2000 US AUSL) D: ROBERT LEE KING W: CHARLES BUSCH P: VIRGINIA BIDDLE/ JON GERRANS/MARCUS HU/VICTOR SYMIS Based on Buch’s play, this cult wannabe spoof had the potential to be good, but falls flat on its face. The main heroine is a flat chested virgin (Lauren Ambrose) who wants to learn how to surf. She has multiple personalities, and may be responsible for a string of murders that occurred during her blackouts. A male surfer gang (with closet cross-dressers and homosexuals), a nerdy bookworm best friend and a B movie actress are some of the other characters. The broad smartass comedy is pretty unfunny and the “clever” ending is terrible. The surf soundtrack is better than the film, and I liked the drummer wearing a Santo mask at a beach party. With Thomas Gibson, Nicholas Brendon, Busch, Matt Keeslar, Kimberley Davies, Beth Broderick, Amy Adams, Jenica Bergere, Richard Fancy and Los Straitjackets.

PSYCHO COP (1989 US) D/W: WALLACE POTTS P: CASSIAN ELWES/JESSICA RAINS After MANIAC COP, we got wisecracking Bobby Ray Shaffer as PSYCHO COP. He kills annoying (and hyper paranoid) teens in the woods. It’s really boring, but there was a sequel anyway.

PSYCHO KILLERS See: THE FLESH AND THE FIENDS

PSYCHOMANIA (the death wheelers) (1972 UK) D: DON SHARP W: JULIAN “HALEVY” (ZIMET)/ARNAUD d’USSEAU P: ANDRE DONALLY Not enough people know who Don Sharp is, and this is his weirdest movie by far. It’s also an outrageous little gem that shouldn’t really work, but it does and is a lot of fun. Beryl Reid is the Devilworshipping mother of Nicky Henson, the leader of a biker gang. From her (and a toad) he learns the secret of immortality and soon all the members of his gang are killing themselves so they can return to life as undead terrorisers on wheels. See them drive through brick walls with no physical damage (and the bike intact, too)! One of those films with surreal, sublime touches (impossible to convey on paper) that endears it to you all the more. With George Sanders in his final role before he took his own life, Martin Boddey, Larry Taylor, Robert Hardy, Anne Michelle, Patrick Holt and Bill Pertwee. Catch it if you can. The screenwriters wrote HORROR EXPRESS next.

PSYCHO: REBIRTH See: PEACOCK

PSYCHOPATH (an eye for an eye) (1973 US) D/W/P: LARRY G. BROWN W: WALTER DALLENIBACH Tom Busham is memorable as Mr. Rabbey, a childish and rather creepy tv kids’ show presenter who rides everywhere on his bicycle, plays with hand puppets, has a pudding bowl haircut and wears eyeliner. His reserved but intense performance reminded me of Crispin Glover imitating Anthony Perkins. You’d expect him to be a complete creep, but he is in fact so concerned about child abuse (and in one case, infanticide) in his local area, that he’s taken it upon himself to rid the neighbourhood of bad parents. The first victim gets a baseball bat to the face. It was originally released in 1975, and later popped-up in early 80s grindhouses (and later video), where it garnered a cult reputation. It doesn’t live up to its legend (by quite a stretch, actually), but it is a worthwhile lowbudget oddity for trash fanatics. With John Ashton as a useless cop, Margaret Avery as a nurse and assistant director Bruce Kimball. Busham was also in Brown’s gay biker movie THE PINK ANGELS (1971). Apparently Brown also directed gay porn. In 1989, Buddy Giovinazzio (COMBAT SHOCK) paid homage to this movie with the short MANIAC 2: MR. ROBBIE (with Joe Spinell).

PSYCHO REVOLVER See: RELENTLESS 4

PSYCHO 2001 See: COMPLICITY

PSYCH-OUT (1968 US) D: RICHARD RUSH W: BETTY ULIUS/BETTY TUSHER/E. HUNTER WILLETT P: DICK CLARK Underrated director Rush’s hippy era flick remains a product of its time while having not dated as badly as some. Deaf Susan Strasberg arrives in San Francisco, looking for her brother among the Haight Ashbury crowd. Her brother turns out to be a brain-fried Bruce Dern. Band members Jack Nicholson, Adam Roarke and acidhead Max Julien (later in THE MACK) befriend Strasberg, and Dean Stockwell is a rhetoric-spewing guru who sacrifices himself at the end. With John “Bud” Cardos (KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS), Bob Kelljan (COUNT YORGA), Henry Jaglom (TRACKS), Gary Kent, Garry Marshall and The Strawberry Alarm Clock. As well as an interesting cast, this AIP release is a time capsule of atmosphere.

THE PSYCHO RIPPER See: THE NEW YORK RIPPER

PSYCLOPS (2002 US) D/W: BRETT PIPER A pretty annoying joker with a video camera and a perm gets his friends to help him find an old 19th century film camera prototype that’s been buried underground. Invented by an unrecognised dead pioneering genius, it also opens a portal to another dimension. This results in stop-motion animated creepy crawlies, as in Piper’s other (more enjoyable) movies DRAINIAC and ARACHNIA. It also results in the main character (called Shemp) returning from the dead as an electrified zombie killer with a video camera fused to his skull.

PTU (2003 HK) D/P: JOHNNIE TO W: YAU NAI-HO/AU KIN YEE That’s Police Tactical Unit. Unit leader Simon Yam covers for a cop (the very good Lam Suet) who’s lost his gun during one long night in the city. Ruby Wong is a CIA agent who knows something’s up when a dead young Triad’s mobile phone ends up in Suet’s possession. Visually and stylistically similar to To’s THE MISSION, this neat, noirish series of elegiac set pieces has been known to annoy viewers during its somewhat rushed-seeming final act. I recommend you watch it anyway, it’s filled with great moments. With Raymond Wong. Sequels followed.

PUBLIC ACCESS (1993 US) D/W: BRYAN SINGER W: CHRISTOPHER McQUARRIE/MICHAEL FEIT DOUGAN P: KENNETH KOKIN A stranger (Ron Marquette) arrives in a small Midwest town called Brewster one day and starts his own public access show on cable called Our Town. He asks only one question on air, “What’s wrong in Brewster?” The phone calls pour in and the seemingly idyllic town is turned into a hotbed of gossip and suppressed anger, and hatred rises to the surface. Singer’s debut is pretty good with some surprises, but seems a little half-baked, and is unsatisfactory all told. Singer and McQaurrie made the fantastic THE USUAL SUSPECTS next.

PUBLIC ENEMY (gongongui jeog) (2002 S.KOR) D/P: KANG WOO-SUK Kyung-Gu Sol is excellent as a bedraggled, sloppy yet tough and determined Seoul cop who knows that rich, respected businessman Sung-jae Lee is responsible for the murder of his own parents. This unlikely yet perfectly realised mixture of DIRTY HARRY, AMERICAN PSYCHO, feelgood fun and pitch black comedy put a big grin on my face throughout its two-hour plus running time. It remains one of my favourite releases in recent years, and it deserves much more recognition. With Shin-il Kang. ANOTHER PUBLIC ENEMY (2004) and PUBLIC ENEMY RETURNS (2008) followed.

PULGASARI (1985 N.KOR) D: “CHONG GO-JO” (SHING SANG OK) P: KIM JONG-IL This silly fantasy has the title monster (originally made from rice), that eats metal, helping peasants fight an oppressive ruler. A mixture of the Japanese hits GODZILLA and DAIMAJIN infused with local folklore, this communist feature is more interesting for being North Korean and the real-life backstory (the director and his wife were kidnapped from South Korea to make it) than it is to watch. Ok escaped to America and the film was banned in its native country for many years, despite being available on video in Japan and now released with English subtitles elsewhere.

PULP FICTION (1994 US) D/W: QUENTIN TARANTINO W: ROGER AVARY P: LAWRENCE BENDER After RESERVOIR DOGS, Tarantino made this great two-and-a-half-hour crime epic full of humour, violence (not as much as you might have heard), drugs, quotable dialogue (although I’m sure you’ve had enough of it by now) and endless references to other movies. Four old, clichéd pulp novel standards (boxer who doesn’t lose the fight, hold-up gone wrong, gangster who can’t sleep with the boss’ wife and the disposal of a dead body) are revitalised and interconnected in a nonlinear fashion. It’s pretty entertaining, something worth remembering in the midst of a Tarantino backlash. With John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Bruce Willis, Tim Roth, Uma Thurman, Amanda Plummer, Harvey Keitel, Christopher Walken, Ving Rhames, Eric Stoltz, Maria De Medeiros, Peter Greene, Frank Whaley, Rosanna Arquette, Steve Buscemi, Paul Calderon, Alexis Arquette, Julia Sweeney. Lawrence Bender and Tarantino. Scenes with Dick Miller were deleted. I remember this being the first 18 rated movie that I sneaked in to see at a theatre in Swansea (when I was 15) and loving it. Choice surf music on the soundtrack.

PULSE (1988 US) D/W: PAUL GOLDING P: PATRICIA A. STALLONE This uneventful horror movie has little kid Joey Lawrence trying to warn his dad (Cliff De Young) and new wife about evil electricity (!) invading the house while he’s vacationing there. We get lots of close-ups of solder melting and rehardening. With Robert Romanus, Myron Healey and Matthew Lawrence. Golding wrote BEAT STREET.

PULSE (2001) See: KAIRO

THE PUMAMAN (l’uomo puma) (1979 ITL) D/W: ALBERTO DeMARTINO W: MASSIMO DE RITA/LUIGI ANGELO Walter George Alton is an American in London who discovers that he’s a descendant of aliens who has magic powers after he puts on a special belt (and cape). Miguel Angel Fuentes is his very big guide. Memorably bad flying FX prevail as our (pretty useless) hero tries to stop Donald Pleasence from ruling the world with a hypnotic mask. Pleasence seems really out of place in this inept, enjoyable mess. With Silvano Tranquilli, Benito Stefanelli, Giovanni Cianfriglia and Nello Pazzafini.

PUMPING IRON (1977 US) D/P: GEORGE BUTLER D: ROBERT FIORE P: JEREMY GARY Excellent feature-length documentary chronicles Arnold Schwarzenegger and his training leading up to the Mr. Olympia competition. Lou Ferrigno is his main competitor in the heavyweight class, with short Franco Columbo (later in BARETTA’S ISLAND) posing against him in the final. Listen to Arnie spout philosophy, admit to his unfair handling of opponents who come to him for advice, and in one scene smokes a joint. PUMPING IRON: THE WOMEN was a sequel.

PUMPKINHEAD (vengeance: the demon) (1987 US) D/W: STAN WINSTON W: MARK PATRICK CARDUCCI/ GARY BERANI P: RICHARD C. WEINMAN/ HOWARD SMITH/BILL BLAKE Lance Henriksen’s son is killed by bikers, so he goes to a backwoods witch for a revenge curse. A monster (obviously inspired by the Ymir from 20 MILLION MILES TO EARTH) kills them. Winston (the FX ace behind THE THING) hasn’t done much of a good job with his debut (apart from the FX, of course). With George “Buck” Flower and Devon Odessa. It’s based on a poem. A sequel and a comic book series followed.

PUMP UP THE VOLUME (1990 CAN US) D/W: ALLAN MOYLE W: RUPERT HARVEY/SANDY STERN Christian Slater stars as the new kid in an Arizona town who becomes hit pirate radio DJ Hard Harry. Local puritans, parents and the cops target him. It’s an ok teen revolution flick, but Slater’s broadcasts can be pretty childish. With Samantha Mathis, Ellen Greene, Annie Ross, Ahmet Zappa, Andy Romano, Holly Sampson, Seth Green, Juliet Landau, James Hampton, Rupert Harvey and Lin Shaye. The soundtrack includes some nostalgic gems.

PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE (2002 US) D/W/P: PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON P: DANIEL LUPI/JOANNE SELLAR I’ve always really liked Adam Sandler but haven’t had much of a chance to see him in something that really appeals to me. This noteperfect romantic comedy may not be Spinegrinder material, but seeing as it’s the most accomplished piece yet from the director of BOOGIE NIGHTS and MAGNOLIA, it does warrant attention. Sandler is a small business owner with seven nagging sisters who suffers from outbreaks of uncontrollable, emotional rage. Emily Watson is the girl who turns out to be just right for him. Pathetic plot synopsis I know, but trust me when I say that it’s one of the most well-crafted and delightful to watch films of recent years. Even if there are no men-in-gorilla-suits in it. With the underrated Luis Guzman, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Mary Lynn Rajskub and a great Jon Brion soundtrack that incorporates Shelley Duvall as Olive Oyl in POPEYE. Anderson’s THERE WILL BE BLOOD (2007) was another excellent movie.

THE PUNISHER (1989 AUSL US) D: MARK GOLDBLATT W: BOAZ YAKIN After gangsters kill his wife and kids and leave him for dead, Dolph Lundgren holes up in a sewer and becomes vigilante crime-fighter the Punisher (based on a Marvel Comics character). He rides a Harley and fires a very big machine-gun, and is not very faithful to the original comics. Japanese yakuza muscling in on traditional Italian American mobsters are the villains. A thespian informer speaks in limerick and Lundgren rescues kids in a bus while spouting terrible wisecracks. Lou Gossett Jr. costars, with Jeroen Krabbe. It was filmed in Sydney and New South Wales, Australia, by the director of DEAD HEAT.

THE PUNISHER (2004 US GER) D/W: JONATHAN HENSLEIGH W: MITCHELL FRANCE P: AVI ARAD/ GALE ANN HURD This higher profile attempt at the Marvel Comics character stars Thomas Jane and is better than the 1989 version. John Travolta is the ganglord villain. I appreciate that they didn’t add a whole lot of comic relief or character development filler and gave it a (relatively) harder edge than other recent big-screen Marvel comic adaptations, but I hope that any sequels are treated as smaller pictures not geared for the multiplexes so they can push the violence and grit further in the spirit of the original comics. With Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, Ben Foster, Laura Herring. Will Patton. Roy Scheider (not for long), Marc Macaulay, Samantha Mathis, Antoni Corone, Kevin Nash, Jim Meskimen and Tom Nowicki. Stan Lee was an executive producer. Ray Stevenson starred in the even more cartoonish and violent PUNISHER: WAR ZONE in 2008.

PUNISHMENT ISLAND (captive’s island; shokei no shima) (1966 JPN) D: MASAHIRO SHINODA W/P: SHINATRO ISHIHARA Akira Nitta returns to the remote, windswept island where he was forced to work on a farm for juvenile delinquents when he was a kid. We know from the beginning that he wants revenge for being beaten and abused by a bitter, maniacal former military policeman (Rentaro Mikuni) who run the place, but there are still some surprises. Shima Iwashita is Mikuni’s daughter. Based on Taijun Takeda’s novel, this is a very good revenge drama (that may put you in mind of Chan-wook Park’s later movies) that only suffers from an oddly muted, anticlimactic ending. With Hosei Komatsu, Kei Sato, Taiji Tonoyama and music by Toru Takemitsu. Screenwriter Ishihara (Shinoda’s PALE FLOWER was based on his novel) was later the mayor of Tokyo.

THE PUNISHMENT OF ANNE (the image; the mistress and the slave) (1975 US) D: “HENRY PARIS” (RADLEY METZGER) W: JAKE BARNES P: GILL CHAMPION/MARTY RICHARDS Rebecca Brooke is Anne, a young masochist at the mercy of a middle-aged older female socialite, and a man (who narrates) who is drawn into their SM games. It’s almost non-hardcore, and in fact if the graphic footage was snipped out, this potent erotic classic would still work. Based on a novel by “Jean de Borg” (Catherine Robe-Grillet). Metzger and screenwriter Barnes followed this with THE OPENING OF MISTY BEETHOVEN (1976) and BARBARA BROADCAST (1977), also worth seeing.

PUPPET MASTER (1989 US) D/W: DAVID SCHMOELLER W: JOSEPH G. COLLODI/CHARLES BAND/KENNETH J. HALL P: HOPE PERELLO A bunch of people with various psychic powers are summoned to the remote seaside Bodega Bay Hotel in California. The confused, nonsensical plot basically boils down to a dead man having reanimated himself along with some killer puppets (Pinhead, Tunneler, Jester, Blade and Leech Woman). William Hickey appears in a prologue as Toulon, the puppets’ inventor. David Allen provides the sometimes very impressive puppet animation, but it’s rarely used and the rest of the movie is boring without them. But it did well on video so executive producer Charles Band provided many sequels and some tie-in merchandise from Full Moon. With Paul Le Mat, Barbara Crampton, Ian Ogilvy and a theme tune from Richard Band.

PUPPET MASTER 2: HIS UNHOLY CREATIONS (1990 US) D: DAVID ALLEN W: DAVID PABIAN/ CHARLES BAND P: DAVID DeCOTEAU/JOHN SCHOUWEILER Toulon (in bandages) is revived by his creations (including a new puppet called Torch) and more psychics are killed at the hotel in this ok sequel. With Nita Talbot and George “Buck” Flower.

PUPPET MASTER 3: TOULON’S REVENGE (1991 US) D/P: DAVID DeCOTEAU W: C. COURTNEY JOYNER/CHARLES BAND P: JOHN SCHOUWEILER In this prequel, Richard Lynch (with a very bad accent) is an evil Gestapo officer in Nazi Berlin who kills Toulon’s wife and wants his secret of reanimation, so that corpses can be used as soldiers. Toulon uses his puppets (including a new six-armed cowboy) to fight the Nazis. With Ian Abercrombie, Sarah Douglas, Michelle Bauer, Walter Gotell, Matthew Faison and Landon Hall. The town is made up from old Universal sets. Like the first two, it’s ok.

PUPPET MASTER 4 (1993 US) D: JEFF BURR W: TODD HENSCHELL/STEVEN E. CARR/JO DUFFY/ DOUG ARNIKOWSKI/KEITH PAYSON P: CHARLES BAND Arguably not that good to begin with, but the mildly diverting series really started to suck at this point. Robotics genius Gordon Currie is trying to figure out the secret of artificial intelligence at a big remote hotel when his girlfriend (Chandra West) and idiot friends drop in for the night. The psychic one discovers a chest containing the puppets which are now good guys helping to defeat some evil skull-faced monster from Hell (or something) in a confusing (and threadbare) plot. It involves other bad guy miniatures. A robot with changeable heads (left over from some unrealised Band project) is badly used. It was shot back to back with part 5, which continues on from this one. With Jason Adams and Teresa Hill.

PUPPET MASTER 5: THE FINAL CHAPTER (1994 US) D: JEFF BURR W: TODD HENSCHELL/STEVE E. CARR/DOUGLAS AARIOKOWSKI/JO DUFFY/KEITH S. PAYSON Currie and West return in this awful sequel shot back to back with part 4. With Clu Gulager, Nicholas Guest and Ron O’Neal. From the director of LEATHERFACE. CURSE OF THE PUPPETMASTER followed.

PUPPET MASTER 6 See: CURSE OF THE PUPPET MASTER

THE PUPPETMASTERS See: ROBERT A. HEINLEIN’S THE PUPPETMASTERS

PURANA MANDIR (the old temple) (1984 IND) D/W: TULSI and SHYAM RAMSAY W: KUMAR RAMSAY/J.K. ASHUJA P: KANTA RAMSAY Colourful Hindi horror movie has youngsters from the city menaced in the country by a possessed blood-drinking fiend, whose head was separated from his body and buried behind a wall to prevent their reunion. Fun hokum when it hits its stride, but too much time is spent on comedic spoof references to the hit SHOLAY (and particularly dull for non-domestic audiences unfamiliar with that cult favourite). Eventually the Trident of Shiva is used as a weapon. As usual for a Bollywood flick, it’s over two hours long and has plenty of song-and-dance numbers (some good, some uninspired). But the best thing musicwise is a briefly heard surf guitar and synth spooky instrumental. Just one of several Ramsay Bros horror hits. With Mohnish Bahl, Puneet Isiar, Sadashis Aminpurkar, Satish Shah, Trilok Kapoor, Rajendranath, Pradeep Kumar, Jashalata, Leena Das and Jagdeep. 3D SAAMRI (1985) was the sequel.

PUPPET ON A CHAIN (1971 UK) D: GEOFFREY REEVE W: ALISTAIR MacLEAN P: KURT UNGER MacLean adapted this from his own novel. Sven-Bertil Taube stars as an American agent in Holland trying to put a stop to heroin smuggling. Not wanting to spoil any surprises, but as soon as you see Vladek Sheybal on-screen, you just know he has to be the villain! Slow-moving and somewhat dry, it’s worth sticking with for the awesome speedboat chase through the canals of Amsterdam (note crowds of bystanders watching in the streets). With Barbara Parkins and Alexander Knox. Apparently Suzanne Leigh was edited out. Those life-size dolls are a nice touch, too. Reeve also directed another MacLean adaptation, CARAVAN TO VACCARES (1974)

PURPLE DEATH RAY FROM SPACE See: FLASH GORDON CONQUERS THE UNIVERSE

THE PURPLE ROSE OF CAIRO (1984 US) D/W: WOODY ALLEN P: ROBERT GREENHUT Mia Farrow is an unhappy waitress obsessed with movies during the Depression. On her fifth time watching the title picture, Jeff Daniels (as an explorer) walks off the screen and falls in love with her. With Danny Aiello, Diane Wiest, Milo O’Shea, Edward Hermann, John Wood, Van Johnson, Peter McRobbie, John Rothman and Glenne Headley. Scenes with Viggo Mortensen were deleted. This light, typically Allen feature is ok, and probably inspired Schwarzenegger’s LAST ACTION HERO.

PURPLE STORM (chi yue fung biu; zi yung feng bao) (1999 HK) D: TEDDY CHAN W: JOJO HUI YUET CHIEN/YIP WAI CHUNG/AUBREY LAM OI WA P: JOHN CHONG CHING/SOLON SO CHI HUNG The Cambodian Khmer Rouge are attempting a major comeback by releasing an air and water virus called Ricin X in Hong Kong. ATF psychologist Joan Chen (who usually works in American movies) hypnotises Daniel Wu, the son of a Khmer commander with amnesia into thinking he’s an undercover agent on the Hong Kong side. Pretty good thriller with some nice action, but it’s a little bland, overlong and runs out of steam before the end. With Josie Ho, Patrick Tam, Theresa Lee, Michael Tong, Moses Chan Ho and Jude Poyer. Jackie Chan is one of the “presenters”, and Teddy Chan helmed THE ACCIDENTAL SPY for him next.

PURSUIT (1981) See: THE PURSUIT OF D.B. COOPER

THE PURSUIT (1983) See: WILD PANTHER

THE PURSUIT OF D.B. COOPER (pursuit) (1981 US) D: ROGER SPOTTISWOODE W: JEFFREY ALLAN FISKIN P: DANIEL WIGUTOW/MICHAEL TAYLOR Treat Williams hijacks money from a plane and escapes by parachute. Old army buddy and airline insurance claims investigator Robert Duvall chases him cross-country in this yeeh-hah chase movie. With Paul Gleason, R.G. Armstrong, Pat Ast and Howard K. Smith. Based on J.D. Reed’s book Free Fall. Spottiswoode made this after TERROR TRAIN.

PURSUIT TO ALGIERS (1945 US) D/P: ROY WILLIAM NEILL W: LEONARD LEE The b/w Sherlock Holmes series starring Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce was beginning to run out of steam at this point. The story concerns Holmes and Watson’s assignment to guard some foreign prince on his sea voyage home. Martin Kosleck and his goons want him assassinated, and there’s something to do with stolen emeralds also. It’s not bad at all, just doesn’t rise to the high standard of some earlier entries. With John Abbott, Frederick Worlock, Wilson Benge, Rex Evans, Tom Dillon, Gregory Gaye and Olaf Hytten. TERROR BY NIGHT followed.

PUTNEY SWOPE (1969 US) D/W/P: ROBERT DOWNEY SR. P: “RON SULLIVAN” (HENRI PACHARD) When the head of a powerful New York advertising agency drops dead, the only black board member (Arnold Johnson, whose dialogue is supposedly overdubbed by Downey) is accidentally voted into power as the new president. He fires everyone and hires a board of multi-ethnic weirdos (including Antonio Fargas) to work for him, charges huge amounts of money, refuses to endorse guns and cigarettes, and produces risqué, groundbreaking (and sexy) commercials for tv (in the only long colour sequence in an otherwise bl/w film; international beauties jump up and down in topless slo-mo to advertise something). Dated and often heavyhanded, this unique satire still has some great laughs, and as an underground midnight movie landmark it’s a must-see. With Allen Garfield, Alan Abel, Elzbieta Cryzewska and Al Green as a cowboy! Downey made POUND next. Pachard’s next producing gig was the weird THE HEADLESS EYES. Directing-wise, as well as his long succesful porno career, he also churned out the likes of THE BIZARRE ONES (1968) and VIDEO VIXENS (1973).

PUZZLE See: FELONS

PYRAMID OF FEAR See: YOUNG SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE PYRAMID OF FEAR

PYRO See: WHEELS OF FIRE

PYROKINESIS See: CROSSFIRE

PYTHON (2000 US) D: RICHARD CLABAUGH W: CHRIS NEAL/GARY HERSHBERGER/PAUL J.M. BOGH W/P: PHILLIP J. ROTH P: KENNETH OLANDT/ JEFFERY BEACH A very big snake escapes from a plane wreck and kills small-town residents with acid shot from its mouth. The unconvincing visual FX creation also decapitates with its tail. There is too much filler and not enough snake, but enjoyable silly comic relief characters make it more watchable than KING COBRA. Wil Wheaton (with pink hair) is one of the teens and Robert Englund and Casper Van Dien (with moustache and strange accent) track the thing. With Jenny McCarthy, Sean Whalen, David Bowe, Ed Lauter and Marc McClure.

PYTHONS 2 (2002 US) D: LEE McCONNEL W: JEFF RANK P: JEFFERY BEACH/PHILLIP J. ROTH William Zabka is an ex-pro baseball pitcher and international arms courier who’s tricked into helping some military types capture and transport the giant CGI snake from PYTHON in this worthless sequel set in Russia. Most of it is running around in a dull underground bunker. With Dana Ashbrook, Simmone MacKinnon and Velizer Binev. Filmed on the cheap somewhere in Eastern Europe, it debuted on the Sci-Fi Channel.

Q See: Q: THE WINGED SERPENT

Q: THE WINGED SERPENT (1982 US) D/W/P: LARRY COHEN Window cleaners and roof-bathers are getting their heads bitten off in NYC, and bodies are turning up without skin and with their hearts cut out. Cops David Carradine and Richard Roundtree argue about what’s going on. Star Michael Moriarty gives a performance-and-a-half as an ex-junky crook (who plays scat piano) who stumbles upon a nest at the top of the Chrysler building. The egg belongs to Quetzalcoatl, an ancient serpent god worshipped by the Aztecs. Great location work, fun FX (supervised by David Allen), a typically clever script from Cohen and Moriarty’s performance (his character is so likeable despite his many flaws) makes this a winner. With Candy Clark as Moriarty’s long-suffering girlfriend, Bruce Carradine, John Capodice and Eddie Jones, and some crowd footage from GOD TOLD ME TO. For another Quetzalcoatl movie, see THE FLYING SERPENT from 1946.

QUADROPHENIA (1979 UK) D/W: FRANC RODDAM W: DAVE HUMPHRIES/MARTIN STELLMAN/PETE TOWNSHEND P: ROY BAIRD/BILL CURBISHLEY The Who’s 1973 rock opera was turned into an excellent film during the late-70s mod revival. Phil Daniels is Jimmy, an obsessive South London mod in 1964. He rides a scooter, takes pills and wears suits. His gang goes to Brighton and clashes with rockers. With Leslie Ash, Sting as Ace/the bellboy, Michael Elphick, Ray Winstone (SCUM), Toyah Willcox and Timothy Spall. Also check out Ken Russell’s TOMMY (1975).

QUARANTINE (bio-crisis) (1999 US) D: CHUCK BOWMAN W: STEVEN and AUDREY SALZBURG/LAWRENCE C. HOROWITZ P: TRACEY JEFFREY It’s another tv OUTBREAK copy. This time Nastassja Kinski is the heroine. Harry Hamlin is the President. Neither more nor less boring than others, but definitely boring. With Kevin McNulty, Malcolm Stewart and Garwin Sanford.

QUATERMASS See: THE QUATERMASS CONCLUSION

QUATERMASS II (enemy from space) (1957 UK) D/W: VAL GUEST W: NIGEL KNEALE P: ANTHONY HINDS The second of Hammer’s Quatermass movies (based on Kneale’s BBC serials) is an ahead-of-its-time atmospheric b/w classic. Brian Donlevy is Prof. Quatermass who’s had his plans for the colonisation of the Moon turned down by the government. Meanwhile he investigates a small rural village where several meteorites have been landing. A heavily armed factory that’s supposed to be producing “synthetic food” is in fact the HQ of a diabolical alien invasion. To say any more would spoil the surprise, especially since this is a deliberately paced gem that builds up a genuinely disturbing air of tension and foreboding. Often referred to as a cheap INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS knock-off, it’s so much more (and conceived years before the Don Siegel classic). With Marianne Stone, John Stuart, George Merritt, Michael Balfour, Sid James, John Longden, Bryan Forbes, Charles Lloyd-Pack, Percy Herbert and Michael Ripper. Hammer hit it big time the same year with the release of THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN and made the excellent QUATERMASS AND THE PIT 10 years later.

QUATERMASS AND THE PIT (1956 UK) D/P: RUDOLPH CARTIER W: NIGEL KNEALE Originally a tv series that was broadcast live on the BBC, this is now available on video as a feature, minus talky filler scenes that allowed for sets and costumes to be changed during its original airing (the restoration was supervised by Kneale himself). André Morrell is Prof. Quatermass, called in to investigate the discovery of an unexploded bomb that is in fact an alien spacecraft. Static b/w melodrama with sci-fi trappings is too dated for the casual viewer expecting the slick thrill of the later Hammer feature version, but fine for anyone interested in the history of Quatermass adaptions, the evolution of screen sci-fi and/or the early days of tv broadcasting. I really enjoyed it. Also available are earlier BBCTV productions of THE QUATERMASS EXPERIMENT and QUATERMASS II (both also by Cartier). With Holly Bane, Michael Ripper, Harold Goodwin and Bill Shine.

QUATERMASS AND THE PIT (five million years to earth) (1967 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: NIGEL KNEALE P: ANTHONY NELSON-KEYS Probably the finest screen appearance of Kneale’s Prof. Quatermass character (here played by Andrew Keir), and also one of Hammer and Fisher’s best. What is believed to be a WWII V2 rocket is discovered buried in the London underground. But further investigation leads to the discovery of bug-like aliens. Those familiar with Kneale’s writings will be well versed in the wild (but plausible) aliens-breeding-with-ancient-man theories that crop up. With James Donald, Barbara Shelley, Julian Glover, Bryan Marshall, Peter Copley, Edwin Rich-field and an excellent, exciting fnale.

THE QUATERMASS CONCLUSION (quatermass) (1980 UK) D: PIERS HAGGARD W: NIGEL KNEALE P: TED CHILDS After three good Hammer productions, Kneale’s Quatermass character returned to tv for this four-hour miniseries. It’s available in its entirety, but this review refers to a condensed 100 mins or so feature version, so I could be missing something. As it stands it’s a very weak and vague end-of-the-world saga about the youth of the world (we just see the youth of the English countryside) banding together into large groups of hippy cultists (except there’s no peace and love and towns become war zones) who walk in long processions to high energy zones like Stonehenge to worship aliens that they think will somehow transport them to another world. Instead, deadly beams of light vaporise them on the spot. It sounds a lot more interesting than it plays, and John Mills is not a good Quatermass. Simon MacCorkindale co-stars, with Brenda Fricker. It does illustrate how much uncredited input Kneale must have had on HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH though, another film in which Stonehenge becomes part of a plot to destroy the children of the world.

THE QUATERMASS EXPERIMENT (2005 UK) D: SAM MILLER W: RICHARD FELL P: BILL BOYLES/ALISON WILLETT This (live broadcast) BBC4 remake attempts to fill in the gap left by the loss of most of the episodes from the original tv serial. I appreciate the sentiment, and am intrigued by its retroexperimental nature, but this is just not very good, or exciting. Creakiness and talky non-visual scenes can be understood in the context of time, but this has got no excuse to look like a more glossy, colour 50s production. Jason Flemyng is not a very convincing Quatermass. With Mark Gatiss, David Tennant, Indira Varma and Andrew Tiernan.

THE QUATERMASS XPERIMENT (the creeping unknown) (1955 UK) D/W: VAL GUEST W: RICHARD H. LANDAU P: ANTHONY HINDS/ROBERT L. LIPPERT Hammer’s first attempt at bringing Nigel Kneale’s Quatermass to the big-screen is an effective b/w sci-fi horror that’s been endlessly copied since. A rocketship returns to Earth after mysteriously losing contact with station control. Two of the three astronauts appear to have disappeared while a third remains in severe shock, slowly mutating into something distinctly unhuman. Brian Donlevy is very good as a brash, hard-edged and cold Prof. Qu1atermass who has the last word in a nicely ambiguous final scene. With Jack Warner, Thora Hird, Gordon Jackson, Lionel Jeffries, Sam Kydd, future wife of Paul McCartney Jane Asher (as a little girl), Basil Dignam, Marianne Stone and Toke Townley. QUATERMASS II followed.

QUEEN BOXER (the avenger; chou) (1972 HK) D: YU FUNG CHI W: FUNG MING SIU CHO P: YEUNG KWAN Judy Lee (“the female Bruce Lee”) makes her debut as a fearless young woman out to avenge her brother’s death in a corrupt gang-owned smalltown. The finale in which she faces off against a small army of axe wielding men in the big boss’ mansion is great. Producer Yeung co-stars, with Sit Hon, Ma Cheung, Choi Wang, Au Lap Bo and Chan Sam Lam.

QUEEN KONG (1976 UK W.GER ITL FRA) D/W: FRANK AGRAMA W: RON DOBRIN/FABIO PICCIONI P: ANDRE GENOVESE Dino De Laurentiis made sure that this spoof musical cash-in on his KING KONG remake (from the same year) stayed unreleased. It cropped up on bootleg tapes and amazingly had a brief theatrical run (big-screen debut?) at a theatre in Tokyo in 2001! Seeing it on the big-screen with a confused, slightly annoyed arthouse crowd (reading subtitles) was a unique experience. It’s pretty awful. Rula Lenska is the “sadistic” feminist film director who discovers Ray Fay (70s sex comedy icon Robin Askwith) in Portabello Road, drugs him and takes him to “darkest Africa”. After much (racist) nonsence involving a tribe of jungle women (led by Valerie Leon who speaks hilarious “ooga booga” dialect), we eventually get to see the man-in-a-suit Kong. It fights a dinosaur, a pterodactyl and does eventually go on the rampage in London (Big Ben stands in for the Empire State building) and becomes a feminist icon. The FX are awful, as is the humour, although I did think the singing nun’s song was genuinely funny. With Linda Hayden, Roger Hammond, a Ronald Reagan film festival and The Orangutangs who pretend to play the catchy title song (we got a free flexidisc with our tickets!). After exiting the theatre feeling pretty mindfucked, Tokyo-ites could purchase soundtracks and t-shirts (with a grinning Robin Askwith print!) in the foyer before riding the elevator which had a big Queen Kong painted on it! Agrama also made DAWN OF THE MUMMY. [Illus.]

QUEEN MOTHRA See: MOTHRA (90s series)

QUEEN OF BLACK MAGIC (black magic; black magic 3; black magic queen; black magic terror; ratu ilmu hitam) (1979 INDO HK) D: LAWRENCE CHEN/L. SUDIJO W: IMAN TAMTOWI P: SABRIN KASDAN When a bride has hallucinations of zombies and snakes on her wedding day, her womanising, lying husband claims that it’s black magic. He leads a lynch mob to a former lover of his, who he has accused of being a witch. She (Suzanna) suffers her house being burnt down and is thrown off a cliff. Even though she bounces off the cliff face a few times (or rather an obvious mannequin does), a magician catches her and she’s all right! He convinces her to take revenge and trains her in the ways of black magic. She can shoot fireballs from her hands and causes one guy’s veins to expand and burst blood. Another guy is made to pull off his own head which floats around with glowing eyes, biting people! A wandering holy man from the city (W.D. Mochtar) convinces the locals to rebuild their crumbling mosque and have faith in God. This fantasy horror drags in parts but is entertaining and weird enough for genre fans, and is likely to be a whole new world for followers of more mainstream fare.

QUEEN OF BROADWAY See: KID DYNAMITE

QUEEN OF EVIL See: SEIZURE

QUEEN OF OUTER SPACE (1958 US) D: EDWARD BERNDS W: CHARLES BEAUMONT P: BEN SCHWALB Zsa Zsa Gabor stars but is not the title female in this pretty silly sci-fi adventure. The queen wants to kill Earth astronauts (including Dave Willock, Eric Fleming and Paul Birch) who land on Venus. Gabor is a disobedient subject who helps the men escape, but a giant spider (obviously thrown from offscreen) is one of the many obstacles. Quite funny actually, from the director of SPACE MASTER X-7, WORLD WITHOUT END and Three Stooges movies and shorts. The rocket is the same one from FLIGHT TO MARS. With John Bleife and Marilyn Buferd.

QUEEN OF THE AMAZONS (1946 US) D/P: EDWARD FINNEY W: ROGER MERTON Robert Lowery leads an expedition on behalf of a woman (Patricia Morison) searching for her lost fiancé into the jungles of Africa. Tagging along are John Miljan (who also narrates), comic relief professor Wilson Benge, cook Edward J. Bromberg and some jealous guy who wants the girl. Their guide (and others) are murdered, and a white “she devil” goddess is encountered. Quickie 60 min b/w jungle adventure is only distinguishable from countless others by its mondo-style look at native piercings. Finney had already made close to 40 westerns in 10 years.

QUEEN OF THE GORILLAS See: THE BRIDE AND THE BEAST

QUEEN OF THE NAKED STEEL See: BARBARIAN QUEEN

QUEEN’S MESSENGER (enemy action 2) (2000 UK BUL CAN) D: MARK ROPER W: PETER WELBECK/ PETER ROBIN P: HARRY ALAN TOWERS Decent fighter/awful actor Gary Daniels becomes an important message courier and battles terrorists in this soso international Bond style action adventure filmed in Bulgaria. With John Standing, Christopher Waltz and Romano Mondello (from WAX MASK). There is a sequel.

A QUEEN’S RANSOM (operation regina; international assassins; e tan qun hing ying hui) (1976 HK UK) D/W: DING SIN-SAAI P: RAYMOND CHOW In this mostly forgotten Golden Harvest co-production, a team of international terrorists led by IRA member George Lazenby (including Jimmy Wang-Yu and Bolo Yeung!) plot to assassinate the Queen during her visit to Hong Kong! Angela Mao, as the refugee Princess of Cambodia, and undercover cop Dean Shek (!!) end up foiling them. The police on the case are tipped off by bar hostess Tanny. Never really that good or exciting, I quite enjoyed this mild action thriller as forgettable hokum that has memorable casting for co-production fanatics: Kok Lee-Yan, O Chun-Hung, Charles Heung Wah, Jue Tit-Woh, Judy Brown, Cheung Ging-Boh, Peter Chan Lung, Wong Sam, Wu Jiaxiang, Helen Poon, Luk Chuen and Ling Hon.

QUEEN SPIDER See: WEBS

QUEST See: GALAXY OF TERROR

QUEST OF THE DELTA KNIGHTS (1993 US) D/P: JAMES DODSON W: REDGE MAHAFFEY P: REONNE HASLETT Beggar David Warner takes young pro-tégé Corbin Alfred under his wing and trains him so he can lead against an oppressive ruler (Warner again) in this pretty bad medieval fantasy adventure. With Olivia Hussey, Sarah Douglas, Richard Kind, Robert Miano and Don Pedro Colley.

QUICK (crossfire) (1993 US) D: RICK KING W: FREDERICK BAILEY P: DAVID LANCASTER Jeff Fahey is a crooked DEA agent who uses his girlfriend Quick (Teri Polo) as a hit-woman. Martin Donovan is an accountant for mobster Robert Davi who’s stolen some money and is forced by Fahey to turn evidence against him. Fahey and Polo plan to kidnap Donovan from his witness protection safe-house to pay off gambling debts and get out of LA. Polo and Donovan end up on the run in this light-action road movie. Has its (slight) moments, but is mostly a confused, half-hearted attempt at a cult movie that refuses to gel. With Tia Carrere, Kevin Cooney and Miguel Sandoval.

THE QUICK AND THE DEAD (1995 US) D: SAM RAIMI W: SIMON MOORE/JOHN SAYLES (uncredited) P: JOSHUA DOREN/PATRICK MARKEY/ALLEN SHAPIRO A Sharon Stone western was not something a lot of people were looking forward to, and many weren’t convinced when they finally saw it. I thought it was great fun. She wants to kill the sheriff of Redemption (Gene Hackman). The town’s annual shooting tournament allows her the opportunity to do just that. These face-offs are the most entertaining bulk of the movie, as Raimi rips-off Sergio Leone and brings his own style to the proceedings at the same time. He puts the camera on bullets that speed towards people, weird angles abound and check out the ray of sunshine shining through a bullet wound. The interesting cast includes Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lance Henriksen, Tobin Bell, Roberts Blossom, Keith David, Kevin Conway, Pat Hingle, Woody Strode (in his final role), Gary Sinise and Scott Spiegel. Parts with Bruce Campbell were deleted.

QUICKSAND (1950 US) D: IRVING PICHEL W: ROBERT SMITH P: MORT BRISKIN Mickey Rooney is a mechanic who narrates his doomed film noir tale. He ignores the attentions of the nice, lovesick Barabara Bates in favour of ambitious, scheming waitress Jeanne Cagney (James Cagney’s sister). First he dips into the cash register for money to take her out, then more and more as fate turns against him and he’s on the run for murder. Cagney uses the cash that could save him to buy a mink coat! Peter Lorre isn’t in it much as a slot arcade owner on the pier, but his scenes are great. With Minerva Urecal, Jimmie Dodd, Ray Teal, Jack Elam, Taylor Holmes, Richard Lane, John Gallaudet, Lester Dorr and Frank Marlowe. Pichel also made the colour DESTINATION MOON the same year. This one’s in b/w.

QUICKSAND (2001 UK FRA) D: JOHN MACKENZIE W: TIMOTHY PRAGER P: JIM REEVE Michael Keaton is a bank executive who travels to France to investigate a suspicious off-shore account. While there he refuses a pay-off from the bad guys so is framed for a political assassination on Armistice day. This adaptation of Desmond Lowden’s book Boudapesti 3 is an uneasy mix of Hitchcockian innocent-inperil thrills and more modern conspiratorial intrigue. It doesn’t really work. Michael Caine co-stars as a washed-up formerly famous actor, with Rade Serbedzija, Xander Berkeley, Kathleen Wilhoite, Jean-Yves Bertcloot and Jean-Pierre Castaldi.

QUICKSILVER HIGHWAY (1997 US) D/W/P: MICK GARRIS P: RON MITCHELL Christopher Lloyd acts and looks more-or-less like Uncle Fester as he introduces two not-very-good horror story adaptations. Chattering Teeth is based on a Stephen King story, while the HANDS OF ORLAC-inspired The Body Politic is by based on Clive Barker (who appears in a cameo). Raphael Sbarge and Matt Frewer are the stars, I suppose. With Missy Crider, Bill Nunn, Veronica Cartwright, Bill Bolender and John Landis. Hand actor Christopher Hart was pretty busy, too. Music by Mark Mothersbaugh.

THE QUIET EARTH (1985 NZ) D: GEOFF MURPHY W/P: SAM PILLSBURY W: BILL BAER/BRUNO LAWRENCE P: DON REYNOLDS Lawrence stars as a man who wakes up from a failed suicide attempt to find everyone on Earth has disappeared. He finally meets a woman and a Maori man who were also on the brink of death when everyone was snatched to another world. Based on a novel by Craig Harrison, it’s an excellent three-character sci-fi drama that deserves more notice.

THE QUIET FAMILY (choyonghan kajok) (1998 S.KOR) D/W: KIM JI-WOON P: LEE EUN LEE MI-YEON A family opens a mountain lodge at a remote hiking area. Their first guest commits suicide. They decide to bury the guy, instead of risking losing their business by reporting it. Subplots involving assassination, North Korean spies and others result in more and more bodies piling up. At times resembling an old-fashioned door slamming farce, this is a pretty amusing black comedy, if a little slow-paced. With In-Hwan Park, Mun Kee Na, Kang-Ho Song, Min-Sik Choi, Jho-Kyung Go, Yun-Seong Lee and Ju-Bong Gi. The director made the much better THE FOUL KING next, and this was remade as a musical in Japan by Takashi Miike (THE HAPPINESS OF THE KATAKURIS).

QUIET RAGE: THE STANFORD PRISON EXPERIMENT (1991 US) D/W/P: KEN MUSEN W: PHILIP ZOMBARDO In 1971, a group of students (all white middle class males) took part in an experiment at Stanford University. The basement floor of the psych department was turned into a makeshift prison with cells. The volunteers were separated into guards and prisoners and were expected to play out their roles. Originally intended to span two weeks, the experiment was discontinued after six days due to escalating sadistic behaviour on the part of the guards and some extreme distress and discomfort experienced by the prisoners. A secret video camera documented the unethical events, and this 51 mins documentary hosted by experiment architect Zombardo is framed around fascinating b/w footage from these tapes. The further away from the original experiment we get, the more it seems to have become discredited by experts in the field, and even some of the people involved. The German film DAS EXPERIMENT (and disappointing Hollywood remake) was based on these events.

RABBITS (2002 US) D/W: DAVID LYNCH An eight-episode “sitcom” (each episode only runs a few mins) starring Laura Herring, Naomi Watts and Scott Coffey wearing rabbit suits. Typically impenetrable and terminally weird Lynch work, often funny and sometimes scary. As of writing and as far as I know, it’s only available at www.davidlynch.com, or other websites providing links to it.

RABID (rage) (1977 CAN) D/W: DAVID CRONENBERG P: JOHN DUNNING After the claustrophobic classic SHIVERS, Cronenberg expanded the scope for the same post-NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD-viasexual parasites concept. It’s less effective but still pretty good, a nice mix of intriguing metaphorical medical horror and comic book exploitation set pieces. Marilyn Chambers (from BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR and other hit porno titles) is the victim of a motorcycle accident who has experimental “morphologically neutral” skin grafted onto her wounds. Soon a barbed tentacle is growing from a vaginal slit in her armpit, sucking blood and spreading disease (a new strain of rabies). It doesn’t seem like much while watching it, but when the ending comes and the entire city of Montreal is in a panic and under martial law, you realise how far the story has gone and how Cronenberg’s storytelling has gradually sucked you in. The culminative effect is rather impressive. A double bill with I DRINK YOUR BLOOD might be good. With Frank Moore (who reminds me of Chris Mitchum), Joe Silver, Allan Moyle and Vlasta Vrana. Note the character reading Freud (a long-time obsession, Cronenberg got to make A DANGEROUS METHOD [2011] many years later). The music is a mix of library cues and pretty good (uncredited) stuff from Howard Shore (never been officially issued as far as I know). Joe Blasco worked on the FX. Don Carmody was production manager. Ivan Reitman was executive producer. Cronenberg made THE BROOD and FAST COMPANY next.

RABID DOGS (kidnapped; wild dogs; cani arrabbiati; semaforo rosso) (1974 ITL) D: MARIO BAVA W: ALLESANDRO PARENZO/CESARE FRUGONI P: ROBERTO LOYOLA/ALFREDO LEONE/LAMBERTO BAVA Bava completed the filming for this thriller in 1974. However, one of the film’s investors died not long after and the movie ended up in post-production limbo (something to do with the rights). Considered a lost film, it was assembled (according to the late Bava’s production notes) over 20 years later (with a brief credit sequence/intro added) and released onto dvd in 1996. It’s lucky for us that it was, as this is a great claustrophobic and gritty suspense story. Three criminals (led by Maurice Poli) take Lea Lander hostage after a robbery. Then they hijack a car and its owner (Riccardo Cucciolla), who has a sick child in need of medical attention. Luigi Montefiore and Aldo Caponi are the other two dangerous psychos, and assistant director Lamberto Bava can be spotted at a tollbooth. The ending is superb. The only thing that puzzled me were the strange insert shots of a pinball machine. With Luigi Antonio Guerra and Ettore Manni.

RABID GRANNIES (les memes cannibales) (1988 BEL FRA NETH) D/W: EMMANUEL KERVYN P: JONATHAN RAMBERT/“JAMES DESERT” (JOHAN VANDERWOESTJINE) Hateful, greedy relatives arrive at a remote mansion to celebrate their wealthy, elderly aunt’s birthday and get themselves in the will. A present from an imprisoned Satanist relative turns the old women into mutant flesh-eaters who stalk their guests and spout wisecracks. Troma released a heavily edited version of this talky and very boring gore movie. Barely watchable for the carnage in the first place, who’d want to watch a non-splatter version? Vanderwoestjine (who also acts) directed the notorious LUCKER (1986).

RACE AGAINST TIME (deadlock) (2000 US) D: GEOFF MURPHY W: CARY SOLOMON/CHUCK KONZELMAN P: STEVEN FELDER In the future where suicide is legalised, a company run by Chris Sarandon offers a ton of money to patrons willing to give up their bodies for spare parts. Eric Roberts is a construction worker who signs up to pay for a vaccine for his diseased son. He ends up on the run from a tracker (Cary Elwes) while trying to find his kidnapped son (his death was faked) and a potentially interesting premise dissolves into endless chase scenes and mindless action (not entertaining action, either). A made-for-tv bore. With Sarah Wynter, Steve Adams, Russell Yuen, Richard Zeman and Jason Cavalier.

RACE WITH THE DEVIL (1975 US) D: JACK STARRETT W: LEE FROST W/P: WES BISHOP Warren Oates, Peter Fonda, Loretta Switt and Lara Parker take their new motor-home on the road for a skiing vacation in Colorado. En route they witness a black magic cult sacrifice a young girl and are subsequently chased and terrorised wherever they go. This car chase/horror movie was originally started by Frost, but he was replaced (because he was too efficient according to David F. Friedman!!) with Starrett (who makes a cameo appearance, along with Bishop) by the studio. Fun enough. R.G. Armstrong is the sheriff and note someone who looks a hell of a lot like Harvey Keitel in a bar scene.

THE RACKET (1951 US) D: JOHN CROMWELL/ NICHOLAS RAY (uncredited) W: W.R. BURNETT/ WILLIAM WISTER HAINS P: EDMUND GRAINGER Excellent remake of a 1928 movie of the same name stars Robert Mitchum as the determined, honest new police precinct head trying to bust Robert Ryan’s mob organisation and stamp out in-house corruption. Solid cops’n’robbers thriller with a solid cast. Robert Hutton, Ray Collins, William Conrad, Walter Sande, Walter Baldwin, Iris Adrian, Eric Alden, Don Beddoe, Robert Bice, Matthew Boulton, John Daheim, Don Dillaway, Pat Flaherty, Jack Gargan, Mike Lally, Harry Lauter, Ralph Montgomery, Al Murphy, Eddie Parker, Ralph Peters, Joey Ray, Richard Reeves, George Sherwood, Milburn Stone, Duke Taylor, Herb Vigran, Max Wagner and Bud Wolfe. In b/w.

RACKET GIRLS (pin down girls; blonde pickup; wrestling racket girls) (1951 US) D/W: ROBERT C. DERTANO P: GEORGE WEISS Here’s a look at the corrupt world of women’s wrestling! Timothy Farrell is Scali, a scheming female wrestling promoter, actually a front for more crooked operations. A very small group of people watch the long, endless wrestling scenes, but the soundtrack has arena-size cheers and excitement. Dertano also edited this b/w bore that runs just over an hour, and Farrell returned as more or less the same character in his PARIS AFTER MIDNIGHT, GIRL GANG and GUN GIRLS. Dan Sonney was the art director! William C. Thompson photographed this before the Ed Wood films (Weiss backed GLEN OR GLENDA).

RADAR SECRET SERVICE (1950 US) D: SAM NEWFIELD W: BERYL SACHS P: BRYAN FOY Radar seems to be able to do just about anything in this 59 mins b/w Lippert production. This unremarkable government agent vs crooks programmer is nothing special, only of interest for its curiously unabashed enthusiasm for radar. Ralph Byrd heads the cast of great, familiar-looking, hard-working B picture veterans. John Howard, Tom Neal, Adele Jergens, Pierre Watkin, Sid Melton, Robert Kent, Tristram Coffin, Riley Hill, Kenne Duncan, Myrna Dell, Holly Bane, John McKee, Marshall Reed and Bob Woodward.

RADIOACTIVE DREAMS (1985 US MEX) D/W: ALBERT PYUN P: THOMAS KARNOWSKI Two guys called Philip (John Stockwell) and Marlowe (Michael Dudikoff doing Jerry Lewis) leave the bomb shelter they grew up in for the first time in a postnuke 2001. They spent the past 15 years reading 40s pulp crime novels, so want to become private investigators. They travel to Edge City and are pursued by various factions that want keys to an MX warhead. They encounter cannibals and “disco mutants” (kids in suits who swear a lot) before finding their “fathers” (George Kennedy and Don Murray) in monster suits. With Lisa Blount, Norbert Weisser and a character called Brick Bardot (Tim Thomerson’s name in DOLLMAN). It was Pyun’s second film as director after the ok THE SWORD AND THE SORCEROR and is more typically awful. He went on to make several (too many) other crimes against cinema.

RAGAN (devil’s angels; firebird) (1967 SPN ITL) D: “GILBERT LEE KAY” (JOSE BRIZ) W: JOSE LUIS BAYONAS Ty Hardin stars as the title ex-mercenary forced into one last job rescuing some guy from an island in political turmoil. All his accomplices are pretty hateful characters and talk a lot. There’s virtually no action in this obscure bore from the director of the William Shatner western, WHITE COMANCHE. I did like the multiharmony, bongo-driven theme tune, though. With José María Caffarel, Antonella Lualdi, Ricardo Palascios, Gustavo Rojo and Giacomo Rossi-Stuart.

RAGE (1977) See: RABID

RAGE (run down) (1995 US) D/W: JOSEPH MERHI W: JACOBSEN HART/JOSEPH JOHN BARMATTLER P: RICHARD PEPIN English elementary schoolteacher Gary Daniels (!) is a peaceful family man who’s beaten up by corrupt cops and ends up at a secret lab where his body is experimented on (apparently he’s an improvement on the Mexican immigrants they usually use). He escapes and goes on the run across America while the police and media track him. A comic relief journalist tries to uncover the conspiracy. This dumb action movie is on a grander scale than most PM productions, but still isn’t any better than their usual cable-clogging swill. With Peter Jason-Griggs and the expected car crashes.

THE RAGE (destruction) (1997 US) D/W: SIDNEY J. FURIE W: GREG MELLOTT P: DANIEL GRODNIK/ ROBERT SNUKAL Vietnam vet Gary Busey leads a gang of psychos (released from some special asylum programme) who slaughter entire families camping in the woods. Lorenzo Lamas and a female sidekick are FBI agents tracking them in this pretty entertaining action movie. Busey (who had his dick chopped off by a Viet Cong prostitute) is entertaining as usual, and David Carradine turns up for about two minutes. With Roy Scheider as an arsehole senior officer Fed, Brandon Smith and Jeff Doucette.

RAGE (1997/II) See: RIOT

THE RAGE: CARRIE 2 (1999 US) D: KATT SHEA W: RAFAEL MOREU P: PAUL MONASH Emily Bergl is very good in her movie debut as a high school outcast with uncontrollable telekinetic powers. Her adopted parents don’t seem to care, her real mother is in an insane asylum, and rich, immature jocks ruin her life. The pretty scary and believable, popular football-playing boys score points by having sex with “skanky” girls. Bergl’s best friend throws herself off the roof after she loses her virginity to an older jock whose lawyer father covers everything up. Jason London is a caring football player who turns his back on the rich kids for Bergl, which results in her first-time sex being videotaped and screened at a party. Cue the FX-filled revenge massacre ending (which is pretty good). This sequel (from a woman who started directing and acting in movies for Roger Corman, and has a part here) works very well as a straightforward revenge movie, and didn’t deserve the predictable bad reviews. Amy Irving returns from the original as a school counsellor, and there’s a surprise connection with CARRIE (brief footage is shown). With John Doe, Mena Suvari, Kaye Thomas, Robert C. Treveiler and Rhoda Griffis.

RAGE OF THE INNOCENTS (chained heat 2001; prison auction) (1999 CAN CZE) D/P: LLOYD A. SIMANDL W: CHRISTOPHER HYDE In the future (a forest), there’s a war going on. Rebels try to rescue slave women who are forced to work in a cramped diamond mine (footage of women crawling around in skimpy outfits that’s been used in countless Simandl turds). Just like Simandl’s DARK CONFESSIONS, there’s lots of nudity and lesbian gropings. With Kira Reed. Filmed in the Czech Republic.

RAGEWAR See: THE DUNGEONMASTER

RAGGED GIRL OF OZ See: PATCHWORK GIRL OF OZ

THE RAGGEDY GIRL See: PATCHWORK GIRL OF OZ

RAGING ANGELS (spirit of fire) (1995 US) D: “ALAN SMITHEE” W/P: CHAKOVAN LEEUWEN W: KEVIN ROCK/DAVID MARKOV/CHRIS BUTLER Sean Patrick Flanery stars as an alcoholic whose metal band dumps him just prior to their breakthrough success. His waitress girlfriend witnesses a fatal drive-by shooting (I’m not sure what this has to do with the story), and gets a job as part of Michael Pare’s “coalition” rock show, that promotes human beings as their own gods (Pare wrote The Hunger, the song they perform). Flanery’s grandma (Shelley Winters!) has visions of a CGI demon, and it turns out that Pare is indeed the Antichrist! An angel warrior turns up at the end to do battle with him, and a song called To Hell With The Devil plays during the end credits. Yes, you have just been tricked into seeing a shitty movie with a Christian agenda. Praise the Lord! With Diane Ladd as a kind of psychic, and Arielle Dombasle. Peter Maris was co-producer.

RAGING MASTER’S TIGER CRANE (masters of tiger crane; raging tiger; sahyeongsaje) (1982 S.KOR) D: “SAMUEL LEE” (maybe CHOI WU-HYEONG?) W: “JOHN TSUI” P: “TOMAS TANG” Hwang Jang Lee is top-billed as the villain who’s after an important necklace. The hero is Elton Chong/Benny Tsui with permed hair (a horrific sight). Anyway, this kung fu obscurity is pretty boring all the way through until the exciting final reel when “Marty Chun”’s fast and acrobatic fight choreography comes into its own. Chong faces off against a bunch of baddies, a couple of leggy female fighters, and finally Hwang Jang Lee himself in a real “David and Goliath” face-off. Genre fans will definitely want to check these scenes out.

RAIDERS OF SHALIMAR See: RAIDERS OF THE SACRED STONE

RAIDERS OF SHAOLIN See: RAIDERS OF THE SHAOLIN TEMPLE

RAIDERS OF THE FRONTIER See: GANGSTERS OF THE FRONTIER

RAIDERS OF THE GOLDEN COBRA See: THE HUNTERS OF THE GOLDEN COBRA

RAIDERS OF THE LIVING DEAD (1986 US) D/W: BRETT PIPER D/W/P: SAM SHERMAN P: DAN Q. KENNIS Piper made a movie (including the FX) called DYING DAY in 83. Sherman bought it and kept adding new footage and “improving” the movie. I don’t know what it was like originally, but it can’t be as bad as the paste-up mess that Sherman created. With Zita Johann (from THE MUMMY).

RAIDERS OF THE MAGIC IVORY (predators of the magic stone; I predatori della pietra magica) (1989 ITL) D: “ANTHONY RICHMOND” (TONINO RICCI) W: “DAVID PARKER JR.” (DARDANO SACCHETTI) P: FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS A couple of wisecracking ’nam vet mercenaries head back into the jungles (probably the Philippines) to retrieve a precious and powerful Chinese ivory tablet for some old geezer. They battle cave-dwelling monks in masks who can disappear at will, and fire lots of guns. Jim Mitchum stars as Sugar in this forgettable action adventure fantasy.

RAIDERS OF THE SACRED STONE (raiders of shalimar; shalimar; deadly thief) (1987 US IND) D/W: KRISHNA SHAH W: STANFORD SHERMAN P: SURESH SHAH Dying Rex Harrison invites the world’s greatest thieves to his mansion in India. John Saxon, Dharmendra, Sylvia Miles and Shammai Kapoor attempt to steal the Shalimar Ruby, the world’s largest jewel, from his booby trapped vault. With Zeenat Aman and Aruna Irami. The director of this very bad adventure later made crap like AMERICAN DRIVE-IN in the US.

RAIDERS OF THE SHAOLIN TEMPLE (raiders of wu tang; raiders of shaolin; siu lam nim sei lau ma; shao lin nian si liu ma) (1984 TAI) D: FANG HAO W: CHUNG FUK MAN P: C.H. WONG/HOI WONG A guy looking after a bunch of horses learns kung fu from THE CRIPPLED MASTERS (Frank Shum and Jack Con) so he can enter the Shaolin chamber and defeat the 24 bronze horse statues (that whinny!). So at the end he has the skills to defeat one of those typical white-haired eunuch villains (with one hidden weak point) who’s been causing trouble throughout this so-so oddity. I liked the cymbal fighters best, who slice off a ear and an arm. With Ngai Ping Ngo and Ma Cheung.

RAIDERS OF WU TANG See: RAIDERS OF THE SHAOLIN TEMPLE

RAID ON ENTEBBE See: OPERATION THUNDERBOLT

RAILROADED! (1947 US) D: ANTHONY MANN W: JOHN C. HIGGINS/GERTRUDE WALKER P: CHARLES REISNER An innocent man is to be executed for a hold-up of a store after someone accidentally gets killed. But he’s being set up by gangster John Ireland and his moll. Solid if unremarkable b/w PRC noir stars Hugh Beaumont as the cop on the case, and Sheila Ryan as the woman in danger. With Charles D. Brown, Peggy Converse, Ray Gordon and Ellen Corby. Mann made DESPERATE and T-MEN the same year.

RAINY DOG (gokudo kuroshakai) (1997 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: SEGIO INOUE P: TETSUYA IKEDA/TSUTOMU TSUCHIKAWA Sho Aikawa is a failed yakuza working as a hitman in Taipei, Taiwan. It never stops raining and Tomoroh Taguchi is out to kill him (it’s never explained why). He becomes a hunted man when he kills a local gangster and steals a pile of cash to help get a prostitute and a mute little boy (who may be his son) out of the country. One of Miike’s more straightforward films and not bad for what it is, but could have been shorter, tighter and better paced.

RAISING ARIZONA (1987 US) D/W/P: JOEL and ETHAN COEN The Coen Bros’ second feature (after BLOOD SIMPLE) is a unique classic. Nicolas Cage is a gas station hold-up man who marries police mugshot photographer Holly Hunter in the fantastic opening precredit sequence. They want children but she can’t bare them, so they steal a child from furniture salesman tycoon Nathan Arizona, whose wife just had quintuplets. Arizona hires “lone biker of the apocalypse” Randall “Tex” Cobb to find the child. John Goodman and William Forsythe are great as ex-cons who try to steal the baby for the reward money. In a word, this comic road movie adventure is fucking hilarious. I’ve watched it over and over and it still does it for me. The dialogue is priceless and Barry Sonnenfeld’s sprawling cinematography is great. Essential viewing. With Frances McDormand, M. Emmet Walsh and Sam McMurray.

RAISING CAIN (1992 US) D/W: BRIAN De PALMA P: GALE ANNE HURD De Palma got slightly back on track after the horrible BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES with this reasonably fun (and pretty ludicrous) suspense thriller. John Lithgow plays ex-con and psychologist twins who kidnap children for their father (also Lithgow) who performs psychiatric experiments on them. Lithgow goes over-the-top as he kills, rants and blacks out to let another one of his schizophrenic alter egos come to the surface. DePalma copies Hitchcock (of course) and himself in this completely over-the-top mess that features endless impressive camera tricks and a lot of audience manipulation techniques. But it works ok and I had a pretty good time. I can imagine some viewers loving it. With Lolita Davidovich, Steven Bauer and Gregg Henry.

RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD See: FIRST BLOOD

RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART 2 (1985 US) D: GEORGE P. COSMATOS W: SYLVESTER STALLONE/ JAMES CAMERON/KEVIN JARRE P: BUZZ FETISHANS Stallone returns as John Rambo in this reactionary hit sequel. He’s promised a Presidential pardon from prison if he goes to take photos of a POW camp in Cambodia that may still have American MIAs. He’s double-crossed and left there by bad guy Charles Napier, so he blows lots of things up and escapes. With Richard Crenna as Rambo’s friend, Steven Berkoff as the evil Russian leader, Martin Kove and George Cheung. It was filmed in Mexico and an FX guy died during its production when a stunt went wrong. Endless other films copied it. Jack Cardiff was the photographer, Stallone’s brother Frank can be heard over the end credits.

RAMBO 3 (1988 US) D: PETER MacDONALD W: SYLVESTER STALLONE/SHELDON LETTICH P: BUZZ FETISHANS/MARIO KASSAR/ANDREW G. VAJNA Stallone returns as John Rambo who this time takes time off from helping Buddhist monks building a monastery in Thailand to rescue friend Richard Crenna from a heavily armed Soviet fort in Afghanistan. With Kurtwood Smith, Mark De Jonge and Spiros Focás. This lame sequel with lots of explosions cost a record (at the time) $63 million, but lost money at the box office. It probably made it back on video, though. In 2008 Stallone returned to the character, and delivered the entertainingly trashy and violent JOHN RAMBO (I reckon Sly had been watching his son Sage’s collection of Bruno Mattei movies).

RAMBO POLICE WOMEN See: DEADLY ANGELS [Illus.]

RAMBO’S REVENGE See: SYNDICATE SADISTS

THE RAMONES: WE’RE OUTTA HERE! (1997 US) D: KEVIN KERSLAKE P: KIM DELLARA/IRA LIPPY/ TINA SILVEY Live footage of the very last Ramones show in August 1996 is intercut with older footage (some from CBGB circa 1974), interviews with band members dealing with life after The Ramones, home video footage of their final tour (the fans in Argentina are pretty extreme), and comments from peers/fans (Eddie Veder, Richard Hell, Jello Biafra, Debbie Harry, members of Talking Heads, Jim Jarmusch, Allan Arkush, Vincent Gallo, Lemmy from Motörhead, James Iha from The Smashing Pumpkins, and Slim Jim from The Stray Cats). It’s not very well put together and overlong, but we needed a very pro-RAMONES doc that shows how influential they were (and continue to be), and it also highlights some surprisingly negative aspects (their xenophobia, for instance). Lemmy and Veder are both seen onstage at the last gig.

RAMPAGE (1987 US) D/W/P: WILLIAM FRIEDKIN P: DAVID SALVEN Liberal, traumatised district attorney Michael Biehn pushes for the death penalty for serial killer Alex MacArthur. MacArthur slaughtered families in their homes so he could drink their blood. Nicholas Campbell is the public defender arguing the insanity plea. Based on William P. Wood’s novel (itself based on the case of the real-life Sacramento vampire), the film exists in two different cuts. The original 1987 version that only played in Europe is 118 mins long and has an ambiguous ending, while a later 1992 re-edit (for the US market) has a more definite anti-insanity plea ending (that copies the Manson movie, HELTER SKELTER) and runs about 20 mins shorter. This review refers to the later version which is an above average courtroom drama, but an underwhelming experience for those expecting anything more. With Art LaFleur, Grace Zabriskie and Andy Romano. Friedkin made the tv movie sequel, C.A.T. SQUAD: PYTHON WOLF next, and directed an episode of the TALES FROM THE CRYPT tv series before making THE GUARDIAN.

RAMPO (1993 JPN) D/W: KAZUYOSHI OKUYAMA D: RINTARO MAYUZUMI W: YUHEI ENOKI P: YOSHI HISA NAKAGAWA/YOSHINOBU MISHIOKA Taro Hira was Japan’s most famous horror novelist, working under the pseudonym Edogawa Rampo (a Japanisation of his hero Edgar Allan Poe) in the 1930s. This biopic stars Naoto Takenaka as the novelist; his real-life and his (often censored) literary fantasies merge into one (not unlike NAKED LUNCH). Masahiro Motoki plays Rampo’s literary detective alter ego Kogoro Akechi (a kind of anti-hero Sherlock Holmes) whom Rampo is besotted with. A weird, opiumsmoking transvestite count (Mikijiro Hada) also figures in this confusing but intriguing and worthwhile picture. There are two versions of this movie. Originally Kazuyoshi Okuyama hired Rintaro Mayuzumi to direct. However, he was less than pleased with the results, shot about 40% new footage, added some animation and subliminal shots, and reworked the soundtrack, basically making it more dark and surreal. Also, when it was shown in theatres, owners had to spray a special musk-scented deodorant before patrons entered for the correct atmosphere. The video I rented also had a scratch‘n’sniff patch with that same scent. The Mayazumi version (which is apparently inferior) is also available, but this review refers to the Okuyama version. There are clips from some old movies based on Rampo’s writngs (which I would love to see), and the supporting cast includes Masashi Yokomizo, Kenji Otsoki and Teruyuki Kagawa. Additionally, it has an incredible array of famous actors, directors, musicians and other celebrities littering the proceedings with bit parts, cameos and sometimes just extras. These include: Ittoku Kishibe, Nekko Hachi, Edo Ya, Shiro Sano, Tomokazu Miura, Masaya Kato, Tetsuya Besho, Hiroshi Abe, Yasushi Akimoto, Keiko Konno, Tetsuya Chikushi, Reiko Tarada, Kirin Kiki, Mariko Hayashi, Yu Haiame, Yoshio Harada, Tsubasa Hukosaka, Akiko Yagi and Kinji Fukasaku and Koji Wakamatsu.

RAN (chaos) (1985 JPN FRA) D/W: AKIRA KUROSAWA W: MASATO IDE/HIDEO OGUNI P: MASATO HARA/SERGE SILBERMAN Lord Ichimoji (Tatsuya Nakadi) has decided to retire, splitting land and his castles between his three sons (Akira Terao, Jinpachi Nazu and Daisuke Ryu). He refuses to listen to wise words spoken against his plan, and cracks in the family’s loyalties grow to epic proportions over the course of the 160 mins. It seems pointless to actually try to determine the “best” of all of Kurosawa’s classics, but there’s no denying the overwhelming brilliance of this reinterpretation of Shakespeare’s King Lear. All the performances are great, but mad old Nakadi and the devious, vengeful Mieko Harada are standout. With Peter (his full name) (FUNERAL PARADE OF ROSES), Hisashi Igawa, Takeshi Kato, Jun Tazaki, famous kabuki actor Mansai Nomura (later the star of THE YIN-YANG MASTER), Reiko Nanjo (of LAKE OF ILLUSIONS fame) and Hitoshi Ueki. Unmissable.

RANA: THE LEGEND OF SHADOW LAKE (rana: the creature from shadow lake; croaked: frog monster from hell) (1975 US) D/P: BILL REBANE W: LYOMA DENETZ/MIKE LANDERS W/P: JERRY GREGORIS A female archaeologist in Wisconsin on a fossil hunt is told the legend of Rana, the frog monster of the lake, in flashbacks. It turns out to be true, and a silly man-in-a-suit frogman turns up to kill. Not enough laughs penetrate the tedium to make this worthwhile. Rebane made his masterpiece (!) THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION next.

RANGERS (2000 US) D: “JAY ANDREWS” (JIM WYNORSKI) W: STEVE LATSHAW P: ALISON SEMENZA Here’s more crap from Phoenician Entertainment, utilising footage from NAVY SEALS, DELTA FORCE, INVASION USA, and RED HEAT. It’s cable-filler action fodder about a CIA cover-up and seems to be part of a conspiracy to send cable subscribers and video renters into a deep sleep. With Matt McCoy, Glenn Plummer and Corbin Bernsen.

RANSOM! (fearful decision) (1956 US) D: ALEX SEGAL W: CYRIL HUME/RICHARD MAIBAUM P: NICHOLAS NAYFACK Successful businessman Glenn Ford’s little boy is kidnapped in this nicely done b/w thriller. Despite public opinion Ford defies the kidnappers to return the boy because they won’t be getting any money. Donna Reed is the anxious mother, and Leslie Nielsen is a newspaper reporter. With Robert Burton, Dick Rich, Jack Rice, Dale Van Sickel and Guy Wilkerson. Maibaum wrote lots of James Bond movies.

RANSOM (1996 US) D: RON HOWARD W: RICHARD PRICE/ALEXANDER INGON P: SCOTT RUDIN/BRIAN GRAZER/KIP HAGOPIAN Mel Gibson is a wealthy tycoon whose son is kidnapped by a gang led by corrupt cop Gary Sinise (who gives a speech about class war politics in THE TIME MACHINE). Gibson turns the tables on him in this not bad big-budget remake of the 56 feature. With Rene Russo, Delroy Lindo, Lili Taylor, Liev Schreiber, Dan Hedaya, Donnie Wahlberg, Paul Guilfoyle and José Zuniga.

RAPE! (okasu!) (1976 JPN) D/W: YASUHARU HASEBE W: SEISI MATSUOKA P: AKINORI ITTO Natsuko Yashiro is a timid, virgin librarian raped in an elevator by a squirrel-loving truck driver (Keizo Kanie). After this experience she fails to relive the excitement with other men. Two men who pick her up in a bar time each other while giving running sports commentary. She masturbates with a walnut! Nothing works until she’s reunited with Kanie. Former SM queen Naomi Tani appears as a housewife rape victim who’s discarded once she starts enjoying her violation. With Rei Okamoto. Yasuhiro used to be known as Yuko Oribe when she worked for Toei. This, of course, is from Nikkatsu. The world of Japanese sex films of this era is a little difficult to penetrate at first because everyone seems sex mad. But one you get used to it, you can appreciate great films like this. Hasebe followed with the even better ASSAULT! JACK THE RIPPER and RAPE! 13TH HOUR.

THE RAPE AFTER (yam chung; yin zhong) (1986 HK) D: TOM LAU Disappointing. You may have been built up to see this horror movie (as I was) by overenthusiastic reviews claiming it to be as frightening as the likes of THE EXORCIST. Not only is it not as scary as THE EXORCIST, it’s actually not particularly scary at all. A womanising fashion photographer unleashes a curse when he steals a sacred stone statue from a temple. A killer foetus, maggotriddled bodies and supernatural statue rape does indeed sound promising on paper, but the finished product fails to live up to its reputation. The most disturbing part is the opening scene with deformed children. With Melvin Wong, Ha Ping, Wong Yat Fei, Baan Yun Sang, Tai San and Cheung Hei.

RAPED BY AN ANGEL (naked killer 2; legal rape; super rape; xiang zian zhi qiang jian) (1993 HK) D: ANDREW LAU W/P: WONG JING Sometimes Hong Kong filmmakers seem to get away with mixing genres that shouldn’t really work together. Here’s a good example. Chingmay Yau is a very sexy actress for tv advertisements. She’s after an exclusive interview with triad hotshot and playboy Simon Yam. A calculating rapist (Mark Cheng) moves into her apartment building and manages to convince everyone that he’s dating her best friend, before raping her. He’s acquitted during a trial, returns to rape her again, and then cuts her up with a chainsaw. Chingmay is his main objective, though, and a climactic stalking reel ends with an unbelievably tasteless surprise involving a friend with AIDS. So you have straight horror, courtroom drama, rape scenes, lighter sex scenes, goofy comedy (courtesy of Yam) and even romantic interludes, and somehow the film still works. I recommend this Category III rated movie as good entertainment for those not easily offended. With Dennis Chan, Nick Cheung, Lee-Siu Kei and Yuen King-Tan. Several sequels followed.

THE RAPEMAN (1993 JPN) D: TAKAO NAGAISHI W: ATSUSHI FURUSHO P: TOMOYUKI IMAI/YUKAN KIKUCHI Hiroyuki Okita (a former teen-pop pinup who hanged himself in 1999) is the title character. Sakae Umezu is his uncle assistant. Men come to them and pay for their cheating wives/girlfriends etc. to be raped for whatever they did wrong. Unfortunately, the outrageously politically incorrect basis (borrowed from a manga series) is not pushed far enough. What could have been sick, offensive and hilarious trash is curiously subdued. At least six sequels and two EDO RAPEMAN (in a period samurai setting) spin-offs followed. See THE RAPEMAN: SPECIAL VERSION ORIGINAL for the prototype.

THE RAPEMAN PART 2 (1994 JPN) D: TAKAO NAGAISHI W: ATSUSHI FURUSHO P: TOMOYUKI IMAI/ YUKAN KIKUCHI First sequel is no improvement as Okita and Umezu return to enforce justice with rape. This time the bad woman is a nurse involved with the Chinese Mafia whose illegal organ “donations” result in the death of a little girl.

THE RAPEMAN PART 3 (1994 JPN) D: TAKAO NAGAISHI W: TETSUYA SASAKI P: TOMOYUKI IMAI/ YUKAN KIKUCHI The same regulars return in this slightly improved sequel. It begins amusingly with Rapeman punishing a man’s wife for being a lesbian by showing her “how good a man can be”. But the main plot involves an underground video label that films the real rape of chemical drug-addicted schoolgirls. It soon outstays its welcome, though. With Yoriko Ogawa.

THE RAPEMAN: SPECIAL VERSION ORIGINAL (199? JPN) D: TSUGUMI KITAURA/AKIO JISSOJI/ MITSUNORI HATTORI W: MIE HIRANO P: ATSUYOSHI OOKI/KOJI ABE Before the infamous full-length THE RAPEMAN was this much sleazier 45 mins trial featurette. Three minimal stories mix original manga illustrations (written by Shitaro Miyawaki and Keiko Aisaki) with shot-on-video live action sex scenes (sometimes hardcore). It’s not very good, but less dull than THE RAPEMAN. Sci-fi fans who know Jissoji for TOKYO: THE LAST MEGALOPOLIS may be surprised by his credit here. But he’s dabbled in hardcore crossovers before (ARIETTA), as well as softcore (PLEASE ABUSE ME, HENRIETTA). He also used to direct ULTRAMAN! But the best segment here (yakuza boss’ wife hires Rapeman to attack her schoolgirl daughter) is by Hattori (HUNTING ASH, SEX BEAST TEACHER). There was also an animated RAPEMAN adventure.

RAPE OF THE VAMPIRE (the vampire’s rape; vampire women; queen of the vampires; la reine des vampires; le viol du vampire) (1967 FRA) D/W: JEAN ROLLIN P: SAM SELSKY Something was needed to pad out the French theatrical showing of the 1943 quickie DEAD MEN WALK, so Rollin was hired to film something around 30 mins long. It was decided that the results were so good for the meagre budget that it was expanded into a two-chapter 90 mins or so feature. I suppose it’s supposed to be surrealist b/w arty exploitation. The screwy “plot” involves four vampire sisters, their death at the hands of villagers and their resurrection. Causing quite a scandal on its original release (not so much for its minimal blood and tits, but for its ineptitude), this (and most subsequent Rollin horrors) have gained a cult reputation over the years. I do think it was unfair to pick on this film for its technical flaws, but it is unwatchably dull and pretentious. Rollin made THE NUDE VAMPIRE next.

RAPE PANIC BUS (kyoukan kankin sharyo) (1996 JPN) D: YORIFUSA IDE W: HAYAHIDE BIWAYA P: MASAAKI ITO First sequel to RAPE PANIC MANSION (1996). A couple of punks (one in baseball gear, the other with red hair, suit and tie) hijack a bus carrying college students and their professor. Rape and humiliation result. Not bad for this long-running series, but that’s not really saying much. Only an hour long. It was followed by RAPE PANICs… BANK (1997), INN, CLINIC, LOVE HOTEL, OFFICE (all 1998), HEALTH ROOM, VIDEO SHOP, AIRPORT (all 1999) and VIDEO SHOP: HARD VERSION (2000). At least those are the ones I’ve seen, there may be a few more. None are really worth watching, but if you insist, LOVE HOTEL is probably the best and sexiest, while VIDEO SHOP: HV is the worst.

RAPE SQUAD (act of vengeance; the violator) (1974 US) D: “BOB KELLJAN” (ROBERT KELLJCHIAN) W: H. R. CHRISTIAN/BETTY KONKLIN P: BUZZ FETISHANS Peter Brown wears orange overalls and a hockey mask while violating women. He forces them to sing Jingle Bells and say things like “thankyou, Mr. Rapist”. Five of his victims learn bad karate to avenge themselves in this AIP release which begins promisingly sick and entertaining, but soon runs out of steam. With Jennifer Lee, Jo Ann Harris, Lisa Moore, Connie Strickland, Tony Young, Ross Elliott, Steve Kanaly, John Pickard, Stanley Adams and Anneka Di Lorenzo. The director is known for the COUNT YORGA movies.

RAPE SQUAD (1981) See: MS. 45

RAPID ASSAULT (steel sharks 2) (1998 US) D: “SHERMAN SCOTT” (FRED OLEN RAY) W: SEAN O’BANNON P: ROBYN SCOTT Tim Abell must stop some terrorists from releasing a dangerous toxin in this cheap and thoroughly routine action flick released by Royal Oaks. Richard Gabai is in it, and “Noble Henry” (Jim Wynorski) was in charge of casting.

RAPID FIRE (1992 US) D: DWIGHT H. LITTLE W: ALAN B. McELROY/CINDY CIRILE P: ROBERT LAWRENCE Brandon Lee helps cop Powers Boothe bust a Chicago drugs ring in this typical action flick. Nick Mancuso is the mobster villain and there’s lots of shooting and uninspired martial arts. With Raymond J. Barry, Tony Longo, Michael Paul Chan, Richard Schiff and a Tiananmen Square plot device. Lee wouldn’t find a decent Hollywood starring vehicle until THE CROW (which he didn’t even get to finish).

RAPTOR (jurassic city) (2001 US) D/W: “JAY ANDREWS” (JIM WYNORSKI) W: MICHAEL B. DRUXMAN/ FRANCES DOEL P: ROGER CORMAN Part 4 of the useless CARNOSAUR series steals footage from all previous entries (and HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP). Another time-wasting money-saver has a topless-brunette-(Lorissa McComas)-on-top sex scene that goes on for a ridiculous length of time. The stars in new footage are sheriff Eric Roberts and villain Corbin Bernsen, busy genetically engineering dino monsters at an old nuclear testing facility with a poultry farm (!) front. The stupid, nonsensical ending makes way for another possible sequel. With Tim Abell, Richard Gabai, Frank Novak, Gigi Erneta and Michael Cavanaugh.

RASHOMON (in the woods) (1950 JPN) D/W: AKIRA KUROSAWA W: SHINOB HASHIMOTO P: MINORU JINGO Three men seeking shelter from a storm at a large gateway relate a love triangle story of rape, vengeance and murder from the conflicting testimonies of the protagonists. Based on the writings of Ryunosuke Akutagawa, this highly influential movie was the first of Kurosawa’s b/w classics to gain international recognition. With Toshiro Mifune, Machiko Kyo, Masayuki Mori, Takashi Shimura, Minoru Chiaki, Kichijiro Ueda and Daisuke Kato. Remade for American tv in 1960, and there’s also THE OUTRAGE (1964) and MISTY (1998).

RASPUTIN, THE MAD MONK (1966 UK) D: DON SHARP W: “JOHN ELDER” (ANTHONY HINDS) P: ANTHONY NELSON KEYS At the same time as DRACULA, PRINCE OF DARKNESS, Hammer filmed this fun, historical melodrama on the same sets and with much of the same cast. Christopher Lee is at his most engaging as the megalomaniacal Russian monk who plots and hypnotises his way into a position of power, and seems to have the power to heal the sick in his hands. Of course, Hammer’s Russia is indistinguishable from their London or Romania, and I doubt if this is the place to look for historical accuracy, but it remains a slick and fast-moving programmer indebted to Sharp’s professionalism. With Joss Ackland, Michael Ripper, John Welsh and Cyril Shaps. Lucky American cinema-goers received free beards (!) at theatre screenings. Cute!

RATBOY (1986 US) D: SONDRA LOCKE W: ROBERT E. THOMPSON P: FRITZ MANES Clint Eastwood’s Malpaso company helped back this ill-advised directorial debut from his then-lover Locke (also the costar). She’s a window dresser in Hollywood whose latest get-rich-quick scheme involves exploiting a deformed ratboy (Sharon L. Baird in Rick Baker makeup) who’s found living in a dump. The pathetic, somewhat depressing story has ratboy falling for the selfish Locke and freaking out from all the unwelcome media attention. When ratboy gets shot, crawls through a sewer pipe, and has to flee back into the wild, it’s supposed to be a happy ending! With Robert Townsend, Gerrit Graham, Louie Anderson, Sydney Lassick, Tim Thomerson, Christopher Hewitt, Brett Halsey, Billie Bird, Jon Lovitz, Kathleen Wilhoite and Nina Blackwood. Locke is awful in it, by the way.

RATED X (2000 US) D: EMILIO ESTEVEZ W: NORMAN SNIDER/ANNE MEREDITH/DAVID HOLLANDER P: DICK BERG/ALLAN MARCIL Based on David McCumber’s book, this biopic charts the success and downfall of pioneering San Francisco porn kings the Mitchell brothers (BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR, RESURRECTION OF EVE). Estevez and Charlie Sheen are Jim and Artie Mitchell. They’re surprisingly good (one could argue that Sheen has been living the role for real for some years), as is this movie for the most part. Major defects would be the scenes that blatantly rip off BOOGIE NIGHTS, the slightly two-dimensional characters and underdeveloped script, and the artistic licence taken with some key real-life moments. But overall not bad considering the subject matter and the fact that it was a Showtime Premier. With Tracy Hutson as Marilyn Chambers, Terry O’Quinn (THE STEPFATHER), Megan Ward, Nicole de Boer (CUBE), Kim Poirier and Peter Bogdanovich as a pompous film school professor. The Sonics’ Shot Down is on the soundtrack. Read McCumber’s exhaustive book for the full story.

RATHER KISS A COBRA (mark of the scorpion; kiss of the cobra; meglio baciare un cobra) (1983 ITL) D/W: MASSIMO PIRRI W: TITO CARPI P: AUGUSTO CAMINITO Bottom-of-the-barrel RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK copy about a search for Cleopatra’s gold in the desert. With Paul Muller.

RATMAN (quella villa in fondo al parco; terror house) (1987 ITL) D: “ANTHONY ASCOT” (GIULIANO CARNIMEO) The Guinness Book of Records lists Nelson de la Rosa from the Dominican Republic as the world’s smallest man at 27 inches in height. But it doesn’t list his starring role as Ratman, a poisonous genetic hybrid of rat and monkey who eats human flesh. Rosa wears a hairy costume, fake teeth and squeaks a lot. It’s a real shame that this horror movie with such great casting is so boring. With David Warbeck, Eva Grimaldi, Janet Agren, Werner Pochath and a funny ending.

RAT PFINK A BOO BOO (1965 US) D/W/P: RAY DENNIS STECKLER W: RON HAYDOCK It took me a while to get around to finally seeing this legendary Steckler superhero spoof, and it was worth the wait. Apparently initially conceived as a thriller, with Cee Bee Beaumont (Steckler’s wife, Carolyn Brandt, with a name that was later used by a great trashpunk “N7 action sound” band that John Peel used to play) being terrorised by a trio of goons (one wielding a hammer), Steckler suddenly decided to transform the lead characters into a couple of (tv) BATMAN-inspired caped crusaders. “Vin Saxon” is a rock singer, screenwriter and assistant director in Hollywood who’s sold “10 million” (!) records, but delivers phonebooks for a living (what?!). He becomes Rat Pfink. His sidekick is Boo Boo (Titus Moede, who made THE DIRTIEST GAME), a former hick-look gardener who’s hit over the head with a chain. They (hilariously) ride around in a motorcycle with sidecar. Being a musical, Haydock gets to perform some songs (including the great You Is A Rat Pfink). Parts of this b/w film are tinted colour. Bob Burns turns up in a gorilla suit. Herb Robbins (of WORM EATERS fame) was the second unit director. 67 wonderful mins.

THE RATS (deadly eyes; night eyes) (1982 CAN HK) D: ROBERT CLOUSE W: CHARLES EGLEE P: JEFFREY SCHECTMAN/PAUL KAHNERT After a vermin-infested granary’s health hazard stock is burnt by health inspectors, big predatory rats (actually small dogs with tails, like in THE KILLER SHREWS, puppet heads in close-ups) attack all over the city. They drag an infant from a high chair, eat Scatman Crothers, and attack an audience watching Clouse’s GAME OF DEATH (during a “Bruce Lee retrospective”) in a theatre. The not-that-exciting finale takes place in the subway. Too much time is wasted on character development, but if you know what to expect this could be a fun, nostalgic 80s nature attacks movie for undemanding viewers in the mood. Shot in Toronto, and loosely based on James Herbert’s (much grimmer) novel The Rats (a childhood favourite of mine), and an unproduced screenplay from it by Lonon Smith (with original UK setting). Golden Harvest backed it. There was also a Commodore 64 The Rats game! No one has yet seen fit to adapt Herbert’s follow up novels Lair (1979) or Domain (1984), or the graphic novel The City (1993).

THE RATS (2001 US) D: JOHN LAFIA W: FRANK DEASEY P: BOB ROE After a woman dies after a rat bite in an NYC (actually Toronto) department store changing room, operations manager Mädchen Amick calls in exterminator Vincent Spano and his assistant. They discover a huge nest of genetically altered rats that are aggressive, fearless and intelligent, and can swarm across the whole Midtown area thanks to an underground network of tunnels and forgotten boarded-up rooms. They attack a subway train and kids in a pool (including little Daveigh Chase as Amick’s daughter). It’s formulaic and lacks any big surprises or shocks, but this is an entertaining nature-attacks horror/disaster movie that looks good for a made-for-cable production. With Sheila McCarthy, Joe Pingue, Aron Tager, Yanna McIntosh, Balázs Koós and Kim Poirier.

THE RATS ARE COMING! THE WEREWOLVES ARE HERE! (1972 US) D/W: ANDY MILLIGAN P: WILLIAM MISHKIN A young woman returns to her family home in (19th century?) England, with a new husband for a guest. (He’s unwelcome.) The father is dying and needs some shots of a serum to stay alive. The typically hateful, bickering Milligan family talk endlessly about some family curse, and it turns out that they’re all werewolves who attack each other at the end. This awful movie was largely shot (as The Curse Of The Full Moon) in England (note scenes at Highgate Cemetery, the main location for Milligan’s THE BODY BENEATH), probably in 1970. On his return to the US, Mishkin had Milligan insert WILLARD-inspired footage of younger sister Hope Stansbury buying, breeding, playing with and torturing rats. Hence the great, nonsensical title. There’s the typical Milligan family retard character who’s whipped, and Milligan himself as a gunsmith.

RATS: NIGHT OF TERROR (ratti: notte di terrore; les rats de manhattan) (1983 ITL FRA) D/W: VINCENT DAWN” (BRUNO MATTEI)/“CLYDE ANDERSON” (CLAUDIO FRAGASSO) W: HERVE PICCINI Post-nuke survivors are surrounded by killer rats in this pretty awful horror movie from Mattei and Fragasso (yes, another one). In some scenes a big pile of rats is just dumped on characters’ heads. After fighting against boredom-induced sleep all the way through it, the surprise ending is hilarious. With “Jana Ryan” (Geretta Giancarlo from DEMONS) as Chocolate and Massimo Vanni.

RATTLED (rattle snake) (1996 US) D: TONY RANDEL W: KEN & JIM WHEAT P: JOHN V. STUCKMEYER A construction crew uses explosives on a mountainside and disturb a nest of deadly rattlesnakes. William Katt stars as the environmentally aware architect hero in this formulaic, predictable tv movie from the director of the live action FIST OF THE NORTH STAR and TICKS. Clint Howard and Ed Lauter are bite victims (Howard gets hit by a truck, too!). With Ian Abercrombie as a snake expert and Bibi Besch. It’s based on Joseph Gilmore’s book Rattlers. The Wheats wrote THE STEPFORD HUSBANDS and IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE 2 from the same year.

RATTLE SNAKE See: RATTLED

THE RAVAGER (1969 US) D: CHARLES NIZET P: DAVE J. ACKERMAN “Pierre Gaston” (Pierre Agostini), the French or Belgian future star of Ray Dennis Steckler’s THE HOLLYWOOD STRANGLER MEETS THE SKID ROW SLASHER has his signature role in this recently unearthed obscurity by Nizet (whose THREE-WAY SPLIT [1970] and VOODOO HEARTBEAT [1975] remain elusive). He plays an immigrant ’nam vet who witnesses a couple of Viet Cong soldiers rape a girl in the jungle, then kill her with dynamite! Back in the US, the oddly accented Agostino (who resembles a skinny Hugh Jackman in an orange tshirt) buys dynamite (with surprising ease from a clerk who makes mother-in-law jokes), and rents a room (in the middle of nowhere) from an annoying, complaining landlady. His reign of terror begins when he sneaks up (extremely conspicuously) on a couple making out in a car, plants dynamite beneath it and blows them up! His other victims include a fisherman and a couple of lesbians (one he stakes to the ground and burns alive). He carries his detonating equipment in a lunchbox, and sweats and quivers profusely while watching various naked women make out (remember, in pre-porno days, some desperate men jacked off to this in theatres!). The police on the case seem very relaxed, and to be ad-libbing their dialogue. The third Nizet shot-in-Nevada wonder, after COMMANDO SQUAD (1968) and SLAVES OF LOVE (1969). I also recommend his HELP ME, I’M POSSESSED. His final film (the Belgian-born director died in Brazil in 2003) was RESCUE FORCE (1990).

RAVAGER (1997 US) D/W: JAMES D. DECK W: DONALD J. LOPERFIDO P: STANLEY ISAACS/SCOTT McGINNIS/ROBERT PATRICK Bruce Payne and Yancy Butler pilot a space flight that crash-lands in the desert. Navigator Stanley Kamal contracts a virus from a secret military dump and turns into a crazed killer. Zzzzzz. Yet another worthless straight-to-video sci-fi horror. With Juliet Landau, Robin Sachs and Salavator Xuereb as passengers. Producer Patrick is the TERMINATOR 2 actor.

THE RAVEN (1935 US) D: “LOUIS FRIEDLANDER” (LEW LANDERS) W: DAVID BOEHM/JIM TULLY (uncredited)/MICHAEL L. SIMMONS (uncredited)/ DORE SCHARY (uncredited)/GUY ENDORE (uncredited)/ CLARENCE MARKS (uncredited)/JOHN LYNCH (uncredited) P: CARL LAEMMLE JR. (uncredited) Samuel Hinds implores Poe-obsessed surgeon Bela Lugosi to operate on his stage dancer daughter (Irene Ware), enabling her to work again. But he refuses to give him her hand in marriage, because she’s already betrothed to Lester Matthews. Boris Karloff is a criminal on the run who comes to Bela for help, but the mad surgeon (Bela at his smirking, sadistic best) disfigures him and blackmails him into doing his bidding. Ware, Hinds, Matthews and other comic relief guests are invited to Bela’s house where he terrorises them with his home-made torture contraptions like a swinging pendulum and a crushing wall room. One b/w hour of classic vintage thrills from Universal. With Spencer Charters, Inez Courtney, Ian Wolfe, Maidel Turner, Al Ferguson, Jonathan Hale, Arthur Hoyt, Bud Osborne and Walter Miller.

THE RAVEN (1963 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: RICHARD MATHESON An AIP quickie starring Vincent Price and drunken Peter Lorre (ad-libbing dialogue, apparently) as good wizards fighting evil magician Boris Karloff, climaxing in a duel of cheap but effective FX displaying their magical powers? Yes, please! Lots of fun and worth watching despite my idiotic review. With Jack Nicholson and Hazel Court. Edgar Allan Poe’s poem is recited at the beginning so Corman could get away with advertising it as another Poe adaptation. THE HAUNTED PALACE is more fake Poe from the same year. See also THE TERROR.

RAVENOUS (voraz) (1999 US MEX CZE SLO) D: ANTONIO BIRD W: TED GRIFFIN P: ADAM FIELDS/DAVID HEYMAN Guy Pearce is a traumatised war hero who’s sent to a remote Californian outpost in 1847. Robert Carlyle is a drifter who turns up with a tale of cannibalism in this fun satire that has similarities with ALFERD PACKER: THE MUSICAL. With the underrated Jeffrey Jones, a stoned David Arquette, Jeremy Davies, John Spencer and Neal McDonough. Filmed in Mexico, Prague, Poland and Slovakia.

RAW DEAL (gorilla) (1986 US) D: JOHN IRVIN W: GARY DE VORE/SERGIO DONATI/NORMAN WEXLER P: MARTHA SCHUMACHER In one of his worst vehicles, Arnold Schwarzenegger is totally unconvincing as a disgraced FBI agent and smalltown sheriff who goes undercover for the bureau, so that they can take down major drug-dealing gangsters. With Darren McGavin, Kathryn Harrold, Ed Lauter, Vic Argo, Robert Davi, Steven Hill, Leon Rippy, Thomas Rosales Jr. and Gary Olsen. Even Arnie’s deadpan wisecracks can’t make this watchable. Walter Wager wrote a novelisation.

RAW FORCE (shogun island; kung fu cannibals) (1981 PHIL) D/W: EDWARD MURPHY P: FRANK JOHNSON Vic Diaz is one of a clan of cannibal monks who devour naked women delivered and put in bamboo cages, in return for huge amounts of jade. Cameron Mitchell captains a cruise ship full of wacky types that end up stranded on the island. A trio of karate fighters from Burbank are the heroes. With zombies, whorehouse comedy, martial arts, Hitler (!), gore and the bubonic plague, this sounds like it should be a trashy keeper one would be delighted to find covered in dust in some ancient video store back room. However, it all seems so forced and “zany”, it’s never anywhere near as entertaining as it sounds. The cast includes Camille Keaton, Jillian Kesner and Jewel Shepard. Alfred Zacharias “Presents”, and Lawrence Woolner was executive producer.

RAWHEAD REX (1986 UK IRE) D: GEORGE PAVLOU W: CLIVE BARKER P: KEVIN ATTEW Barker didn’t like Pavlou’s version of TRANSMUTATIONS, so scripted this one himself (from his Books of Blood story). It’s not one of his best short stories, though, so despite being a very good adaption it’s only a quite good horror film. It’s nice to see an original monster, though, especially a 9-feet tall pagan cannibal. He escapes from his tomb dug up by a farmer and terrorises the English countryside (and pisses on a Renfield-like priest). David Dukes stars as an American tourist and historian. It was filmed in Ireland. Barker directed his own HELLRAISER next.

RAW MEAT See: DEATH LINE

RAZOR See: HANZO THE RAZOR (series)

RAZORBACK (1984 AUSL) D: RUSSELL MULCAHY W: EVERETT DE ROCHE P: HAL McELROY When his reporter wife goes missing in the Australian outback while investigating the slaughter of kangaroos, American Gregory Harrison goes over only to be terrorised by a barely seen, big wild boar that kills. Apart from one decent nightmare sequence in the desert, this dark, smoky monster movie is very bad. With Chris Haywood, Don Lane and some broad, overdone backwoods stereotypes. It’s based on a novel by Peter Brennan. Mulcahy made the enormously popular HIGHLANDER next.

RAZOR BLADE SMILE (1998 UK) D/W/P: JAKE WEST P: ROBERT MERCER Eileen Daly (who provides irritating unfunny narration) is a leather-clad vampire hitwoman who assures us that we know “fuck all” about vampires. She hangs out at a goth club in London and gets involved in some kind of conspiracy. Lots of stylish FX (slo-mo, tinting etc.) are used to try to keep this comic action fantasy interesting, but the story’s just crap and the execution annoying. There’s also some sex (Daly used to do some porno) including a lesbian scene and a terrible attempt at a clever twist ending. It copies Hong Kong action films and is very fanboy. It’s dedicated to David Warbeck, who has one of his final roles. There’s an extra scene after the end credits.

RAZORTEETH (2004 US) D: MARK & JOHN POLONIA W: JOHN OAK DALTON P: RON BONK More ultracheap shot-on-video junk from the Polonia brothers on Sub Rosa. Divers retrieve some experimental piranha fish (sealed in plastic bags) from a downed submarine. A plane transporting the fish (in a suitcase!?) crashes into a lake (not so convincingly alluded to with fast editing, a toy in a bathtub and a fisherman’s reaction shot). The released inanimate plastic toys (with mouths agape at all times) attack folks in the water (the scenes of the fish splashing around in red water must also have been filmed in a tub, as we never see blood in the lake), and even jump through the air to kill. A government agent is sent to wander around and not do much. Other characters include Mark Polonia searching for his missing wife, and the limping pilot survivor of the crash, who goes into the water on crutches, even though he knows it’s filled with deadly piranhas! The stupidest scene (and it’s up against some stiff competition) has a fisherman losing a tug-of-war with a chain to the piranha, even when he uses a pickup truck! The same fisherman later visits the outhouse, only to get a piranha up the ass that swims through his body and emerges from his stomach. It ends with a poison bomb and a double surprise ending.

REAL HUNT See: BABY BLUES

REAL KILLERS See: KILLERS (1996)

A REAL MAN See: FEARLESS FIGHTERS

THE REALM OF THE SENSES See: IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES

THE REAL THING (livers ain’t cheap; bullet) (1997 US) D/W: JAMES MERENDINO W: RUSTAM BRANAMAN P: KURT MacCARLEY James Russo is an excon trying to keep himself and his younger brother on the straight and narrow. When the brother is shot, a liver is needed to save him, so Russo reluctantly plans one more heist to pay for the operation. This realistic, engaging crime thriller unfortunately refuses to completely gel and loses it at the end. Gary Busey and Rod Steiger have small roles. With Emily Lloyd, Jeremy Piven, Ashley Laurence, Esai Morales, Max Perlich and Robert LaSardo.

RE-ANIMATOR (1985 US) D/W: STUART GORDON W: DENNIS PAOLI/WILLIAM J. NORRIS P: BRIAN YUZNA Gordon (a former theatre director) made his feature debut a surprising gore, nudity and comedy version of an H.P. Lovecraft story (a clichéd idea nowadays, but highly original in 1985). Jeffrey Combs is fun as Herbert West, a new student at a medical university who’s invented a serum to bring dead tissue back to life. Bruce Abbott stars as his reluctant assistant and hero, and Barbara Crampton is his girlfriend who provides the tits. David Gale seems to be having a gleefully hammy contest with Combs as the sinister Dr. Hill who ends up carrying his severed head around. You probably know that there are cut and uncut versions, but may not be aware that the tamer version actually runs longer (alternative scenes). With Tom Towles, Robert Sampson and a Richard Band soundtrack heavily “influenced” by Bernard Herrmann’s PSYCHO score. Yunza returned with a sequel, BRIDE OF RE-ANIMATOR.

RE-ANIMATOR 2 See: BRIDE OF RE-ANIMATOR

REAR WINDOW (1954 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: JOHN MICHAEL HAYES Based on Cornell Woolrich’s It Had To Be Murder, this voyeuristic classic is one of Hitchcock’s best and has (of course) been copied endlessly. James Stewart stars as a wheelchair-bound news photographer who has nothing to do but spy on his Greenwich Village neighbours. One of them (Raymond Burr) has murdered his wife and buried her head in the garden. See audience manipulation at its finest as Stewart is helpless to do anything when his girlfriend Grace Kelly is about to be caught by Burr as she sneaks into his apartment. Classic stuff. With Thelma Ritter, Wendell Corey, Kathryn Grant, Frank Cady, Marla English, Anthony Warde, Benny Bartlett, Fred Graham, Dick Simmons, Eddie Parker, Len Hendry, Bess Flowers, Jack Stoney and Hitch winding a clock. HOU CHANG was a Hong Kong remake from 1955, and there was a tv remake in 1998.

A REASON TO LIVE, A REASON TO DIE See: MASSACRE AT FORT HOLMAN

THE REBEL INTRUDERS See: KILLER ARMY

REBELLION (1967) See: SAMURAI REBELLION

THE REBELLIOUS REIGN (yong zheng yu nian geng yao; yung king yue min gang yiu) (1980 HK) D: FONG CHEUNG P: LO WEI Lung Fong (aka Jimmy Lee) stars in this fairly epic kung fu historical drama as a young revolutionary who wants to rebuild the Ming dynasty. He makes himself noticed to Qing Prince Norman Chu and becomes his personal bodyguard, helping him to achieve power. Fong’s plan is to use his power and unite other revolutionaries (including Alan Chui Chung San, responsible for the choreography) and overthrow the government. The seeds of a revolution can be seen in the violent massacre ending. Very good of its type and worth checking out for the duels, including one with formidable kicker Kwan Yung Moon. With Lee Kwan, Cheng Fu Hung and Chan Wai Lau. Apparently originally conceived as a Bruce Lee vehicle.

THE REBEL OF SHAOLIN (shaolin traitor; siu lam baan boon tiu; shaolin ban pan tu) (1976 TAI) D: DAVID LIN P: JOSPEH KUO Assassins are out to get Shaolin monk Carter Wong who’s been falsely accused of theft and murder. He must fight to clear his name. Reasonable kung fu adventure has plenty of fight action and minimal wirework when Wong flies horizontally through the air. With Polly Shang Kwan, Tin Peng, Doris Lung, Chang Yi, Lung Fei, Liu Ping, Shih Ting Ken, Lau Lap Cho, O Yau Man, Wong Fei Lung, Su Chen Ping, Yuen Sam, Au Lap Bo and a groovy, armoured horse-drawn carriage.

THE REBEL ROUSERS (1967 US) D/W/P: MARTIN B. COHEN W: ABE POLSKY/MICHAEL KARS Two years before EASY RIDER, Jack Nicholson starred in two lesser, more fun-spirited biker quickies. HELLS ANGELS ON WHEELS and this. Bruce Dern leads the motorcycle gang that terrorise Cameron Mitchell and pregnant girlfriend Diane Ladd on the beach in a small coastal town. László Kovács’ colour photography does justice to Nicholson’s incredible striped trousers. With Harry Dean Stanton, Robert Dix and John “Bud” Cardos. No one saw this until the 70s came in when it was already dated. Fun to watch now, though.

REBEL POINT See: OVER THE EDGE

THE REBEL SET (beatsville) (1959 US) D: GENE FOWLER JR. W: LOU VITTES/BERNARD GIRARD P: EARL LYONS Gregg Palmer is a struggling actor who uses an interactive “act with the stars” 78 on his record deck. He’s one of a trio hired by beatnik coffee house owner Edward Platt to pull off an armoured car robbery. This ok b/w caper movie doesn’t really have much to do with beatniks. Someone says, “Newark, I’d know it anywhere”. With Ned Glass, I. Stanford Jolley, Gene Roth, Robert Shayne, Byron Foulger, Eddie Foster, Carey Loftin and Michel Ross. Fowler and Vittes collaborated on I MARRIED A MONSTER FROM OUTER SPACE and later made DEAD HEAT ON A MERRY-GO-ROUND.

REBEL VIXENS See: AMBUSH!

REBIRTH OF MOTHRA See: MOTHRA (90s series)

REC. (zzikimyeon jukneunda) (2000 S.KOR) D: GIHUN KIM/JONG-SEOK KIM W: CHANG-HAK HAN P: IL-SEO PARK Some popular, mean high school teens accidentally kill a picked-on, timid schoolmate with allergies at a remote cabin. One year later, someone slaughters them in this I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER clone that’s easily as bad as its influence. With Eun-Hye Park, Mayu Loh and Seo-Hyeong Kim.

[REC] (2007 SPN) D/W: JAUME BALAGUERO/PACO PLAZA W: LUIS BERDEJO P: JULIO FERNANDEZ This snappy (75 mins) low-budget horror outing (from the directors of DARKNESS and ROMASANTA) comes from the shaky, amateur POV of a cameraman filming the female host of a tv filler doc show following a crew of firemen on their nightly rounds. Tedium soon gives way to chaos and terror when they answer a call at an apartment building in which residents infected with something have gone nuts. The health bureau and powers that be quarantine them inside. Post-BLAIR WITCH hokum is guilty of being gimmicky and basically being a filmed radio show (complete with “lights out” scene), but redeems itself with genuine scares, particularly in the final reel. Well worth a look for horror fans. Remade in the US as QUARANTINE. And there was a sequel. Not to be confused with a Korean movie from 2000.

RECOIL (avenger) (1997 US) D/W: ART CAMACHO W: RICHARD PRESTON JR. P: JOSEPH MERHI/RICHARD PEPIN After gunning down a crime lord’s son, LA cop Gary Daniels’ family and partners are killed. Of course, it’s time for revenge. Despite the shopworn plot, this action movie is an above average PM production with some good stunts and violence. In particular the extended opening bank robbery/chase scene. With Griffin Drew.

THE RECRUIT (2002 US) D: ROGER DONALDSON W: ROBERT TOWNE/KURT WIMMER/MITCH GLAZER P: JEFF APPLE/GARY BARBER/ROGER BIRNBAUM Bartender Colin Farrell is recruited by CIA operative Al Pacino to enlist at “the farm”, a CIA agent training centre in this convoluted thriller. Predictable, generic and highly derivative, there’s no reason to watch this tedium. With Bridget Moynahan, Gabriel Macht, Kenneth Mitchell, Karl Pruner, Ron Lea, Eugene Lipinski, Richard Fitzpatrick, Merwin Mondesir and Neil Crone.

RECRUITS (police a-comedy) (1986 CAN) D: RAFAL ZIELINSKI W: CHARLES WIENER/B.K. RODERICK W/P: MAURICE SMITH Here’s an awful low-budget ripoff of POLICE ACADEMY filmed in Toronto. Wacky, fun-loving recruits are enlisted to patrol the roads in preparation for a new freeway and better driving skills. They include a horny guy, a nerd, a Tackleberry clone who imitates Clint Eastwood, a hooker and Jon Mikl Thor (from ROCK’N’ROLL NIGHTMARE and ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE) as tough biker Thunderhead (I guess the equivalent of the Hightower character). Can your aching sides stand the hilarity? From the director of SCREWBALLS (1983).

RED (2010 US) D: ROBERT SCHWENTKE W: JON and ERICH HOEBER P: LORENZO di BONAVENTURA/ MARK VAHRADIAN Retired Extremely Dangerous. A hit squad comes after a retired Black Ops. CIA agent (Bruce Willis, not a convincing pensioner) and his love interest call centre operative (Mary-Louise Parker). They go on the run, try to figure out what the conspiracy is and call in favours from other elderly former agents (John Malkovich doing crazy-paranoid, Morgan Freeman being Morgan Freeman, Brian Cox as KGB, and Helen Mirren bringing dignity to the role as always as an assassin, and looking fine at 65). Karl Urban is next-generation CIA on their tail, and Julian McMahon is the Vice-President. With Ernest Borgnine, James Remar, Richard Dreyfuss and Rebecca Pidgeon. This comedic action movie adaptation of a DC comic (by Warren Ellis and Cully Hamner) is not as awful as some critics would have you believe, just quite dull and uninvolving (and overlong). The Hoebers also adapted a comic for WHITEOUT (2009).

RED ALERT See: BY DAWN’S EARLY LIGHT

RED ARMY/PFLP: DECLARATION OF WORLD WAR (sekigun-P.F.L.P.: sekai senjo sengen) (1971 JPN) D: MASAO ADACHI D/P: KOJI WAKAMATSU Announcing itself as propaganda, this narrated 69 mins documentary is a call to arms for the Japanese Communist Party to aid the fight for the liberation of Palestine (where most of this was filmed on 16mm). “The best form of propaganda is armed struggle.” For those of you thinking that this could be an alarmingly incendiary and irresponsible document, there’s no need to worry. Regardless of where you stand politically, this is a dull, mismanaged preach to the converted that gives casual viewers no context, no historical background and no framework with which to interface. I thought it might at least be a fascinating time capsule look at a more socially responsible and politically motivated time in Japan (Wakamatsu was known for his subversive sex movies back then), but it’s more of an embarrassing display of misguided, naïve pop-politic sloganeering that might have done more harm than good (if it had been well made, and if anyone had actually seen it). Adachi (who scripted several films for Wakamatsu, and directed some of his own) seems to at least have been a genuine believer. He returned to the Middle East as a pro-Palestinian commando who was arrested in Lebanon in 1997, then deported back to Japan in 2000. Wakamatsu continued to make mostly dismal, overrated (by Japanese cult movie enthusiasts) films (I’m yet to be convinced of this man’s genius. If I see enough good films from him that buck this trend, this paragraph will be deleted). Incidentally, read Julian Cope’s great Japrocksampler book for more on the involvement of members of the incomparable psych-rock-improv band Les Rallizes Dénudés with the Japanese Red Army, and the hijack of a Japan Airlines passenger plane to North Korea in March 1970 (briefly mentioned at the beginning of this doc).

RED ASPHALT (1993 US) P: RAY ATHERTON This tape (edited by Nick Bougas, who made DEATH SCENES) has three choice driver educational short films from the late-50s and early 60s. (Often with shocking content, they were shown to teenagers to scare them into being better drivers.) The classic SIGNAL 30, which started the trend (in 1958) is the most depressing. WHEELS OF TRAGEDY is more watchable, with reconstructions of events leading to the mondo-like corpse footage. Finally, ALCOHOL AND RED FLARES utilises an “it-was-only-a-dream” framework and has particularly disgusting and bloody footage of traffic accident victims. An unnecessary look at celebrity deaths (James Dean, Ernie Kovacs and Jayne Mansfield) rounds out the tape (and borrows footage from THE WILD, WILD WORLD OF JAYNE MANSFIELD). A good tape for those unfamiliar with classroom scare films, before you go out and buy the Mental Hygiene book.

REDBALL (1998 AUSL US) D/W: JON HEWITT P: MEREDITH KING/PHILLIP PARSLOW Very corrupt Australian cops run protection rackets, take drugs and rape underage girls while trying to catch a child murderer in this hard-hitting drama that doesn’t have an interesting enough story or point of view to stop it from being unappealing. The only part I liked was the running joke to do with a corpse in the river.

RED BLOODED 2 (hot blooded; hit and run; red blooded american girl 2) (1996 US) D: DAVID BLYTH W/P: NICOLAS STILIADIS A college freshman picks up wild, slutty hooker Kari Salin (aka Kari Wuhrer) while driving cross-country to go home for Thanksgiving. Her sleazy, abusive truck driver dad (Burt Young) chases them in this useless road movie that isn’t really a sequel. With David Keith. This film begins with one of the worst impressions (of James Doohan) in memory.

RED BLOODED AMERICAN GIRL 2 See: RED BLOODED 2

RED BULL See: RED HEAT

RED CORNER (1997 US) D/P: JON AVNET W: ROBERT KING P: JORDAN KERNER/CHARLES MULVEHILL/ ROSALIE SWEDLIN Irritating, inaccurate and overlong political courtroom thriller stars Richard Gere as a loud, confrontational and self-righteous cable tv ambassador in China who’s framed for the murder of a model he spends the night with. Bai Ling is the reluctant defence lawyer trying to save him from the death penalty. Gere’s character teaches Ling how to stand up for what she believes in and takes on the backward Chinese judicial system like only a good WASP in a foreign land can. Based on a true story that happened in Italy! With James Hong, Bradley Whitford, Byron Mann, Peter Donat and Ulrich Matschoss. King started off writing stuff like THE NEST and PHANTOM OF THE MALL.

RED DAWN (1984 US) D/W: JOHN MILIUS W: KEVIN REYNOLDS P: BUZZ FETISHANS/SIDNEY BECKERMAN This Reagan-era anti-Communist update of INVASION USA is essential viewing for those interested in cultural propaganda and paranoia. It’s also fun. Soviet and Cuban soldiers parachute into America, put people in boot camps, and kill others with firing squads. A bunch of teens led by Patrick Swayze become guerrilla terrorists called The Wolverines. With Charlie Sheen, Powers Boothe, Lea Thompson, C. Thomas Howell, Jennifer Grey, Ron O’Neal, Harry Dean Stanton, Ben Johnson, William Smith, Lane Smith, Vladek Sheybal, Roy Jenson and Pepe Serna. Put it on a double bill with ROCKY 4 and thank God you’re an American. In 2009 there was a remake with the Chinese as the bad guys. Realising China was an important market, it was digitally altered to make the North Koreans the villains prior to release in 2012!

RED DRAGON (1986) See: MANHUNTER

RED DRAGON (2002 US GER) D: BRETT RATNER W: TED TALLY P: DINO DE LAURENTIIS/MARTHA DE LAURENTIIS This prequel to THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS and HANNIBAL begins with gifted FBI agent Edward Norton almost getting killed in the process of catching Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins getting more and more hammy in the role). Months later, Norton is called back to help investigate “the tooth fairy” (Ralph Fiennes) who slaughters whole families. He in turn asks Lecter for assistance. Thomas Harris’ novel had already been turned into the brilliant MANHUNTER, so I didn’t expect to like this much. But it’s a very good and very faithful adaption that is as different from MANHUNTER as you could imagine. With Harvey Keitel, Emily Watson, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Mary-Louise Parker, Anthony Heald, Frankie Faison, Frank Whaley, Lalo Schifrin, David Doty, Bill Duke, Michael Cavanaugh, William Lucking, Robert Randolph Caton, Mary Beth Hurt and the voice of Ellen Burstyn. Ratner made those RUSH HOUR movies, and Tally also wrote the screenplay for LAMBS.

THE REDEEMER (the redeemer… son of satan; class reunion massacre) (1977 US) D: CONSTANTINE S. GOCHIS W: WILLIAM VERNICK P: SHELDON TROMBERG Six very different types arrive at a remote abandoned schoolhouse for a class reunion. A killer wearing masks and using stupid, annoying voices picks them off one-by-one in varying, slightly bloody ways. It’s not very good, but is a little better than most later post-FRIDAY THE 13TH body count horrors. A very confusing wraparound/flashback has a choirboy emerging from a lake. Maybe this was the inspiration for NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CLASS REUNION? [Illus.]

RED FORCE 3 See: THE DEVIL HUNTERS

RED HEAT (1975 US) D/W/P: “CINDY LOU SUTTERS” (RAY DENNIS STECKLER) “Director” Sutters narrates this strange hardcore outing for Steckler completists. In Las Vegas (cue lots of travelogue footage) the offscreen Sutters and her cameraman shoot some uninspired hard X scenes in hotel rooms. A red-haired woman who they wanted in their film stabs her mean boyfriend in the shower, runs away, seduces a photographer named Roberto, and stabs him, too. She eventually meets up with a motorcycle-riding “stranger in town” hold-up man (a man whom he robs throws his hat on the floor and jumps up and down on it like in a cartoon). The print on a dvd from Alpha Blue Archives runs out after 66 mins, in the middle of a sex scene, so we never see the end.

RED HEAT (rote hitze) (1984 US W.GER) D/W: ROBERT COLLECTOR D/W: ERNST R. THEUMER (uncredited) W: GARY DRUCKER Linda Blair stars as an American student visiting her soldier fiancé in West Berlin. After witnessing a kidnapping, she’s also captured by secret police who force her to confess to being a spy, and ends up in an East German women’s prison. Sylvia Kristel is highly amusing as a bright red-haired bitch dyke inmate who rats on other girls when she’s not busy tormenting them. Meanwhile, the fiancé plots to break Blair out and get her across the border. There’s some shower room nudity (Blair topless) and lots of bitchiness, but this is not as sleazy and depraved as you might expect/hope for. Surprisingly, it’s still an engaging and above average exploitation movie of its type. With music from Tangerine Dream (not one of their best scores). The location work was done in Vienna, with the rest shot in a studio in Hamburg. CHAINED HEAT 2 (1993) was a bad remake.

RED HEAT (red bull) (1988 US) D/W/P: WALTER HILL W: HARRY KLEINER/TROY KENNEDY MARTIN P: GORDON CARROLL A Soviet drug-dealer (Ed O’Ross) flees from Russia to Chicago. Russian cop Arnold Schwarzenegger follows and teams up with local loudmouth cop James Belushi. Less enjoyable retread of Hill’s buddy-cop template 48 HRS benefits from a grim-faced, deadpan Arnie, but Belushi is not funny, and nowhere near as likeable as Eddie Murphy. With Peter Boyle, Laurence Fishburne, Gina Gershon, Brion James, John Beck, Pruitt Taylor Vince, Peter Jason, Oleg Vidov, Savely Kramarov, Gabor Konez, Sven-Ole Thorsen, wrestler Norbert Novenyi, Kurt Fuller, Jennifer Lewis, a bus chase that found its way into many cheaper direct-to-video titles and the first American footage shot in Moscow’s Red Square.

THE RED HOUSE (no trespassing) (1947 US) D/W: DELMER DAVES W: ALBERT MALTZ P: SOL LESSER Teen Judith Anderson persuades schoolmate Lon McCallister to come and work on the family farm after school every day to earn some cash. Her adoptive brother and sister parents (Edward G. Robinson is the crazed, one-legged dad) warn of some unseen red house in the dark, thick woods that surround the farm. Based on a novel by George Agnew Chamberlain, this b/w noir melodrama is not bad overwrought entertainment, but no classic. With Rory Calhoun, Ona Munson, Harry Shannon, Arthur Space, Pat Flaherty, Walter Sande and a theremin soundtrack (by Miklós Rózsa), the best thing about it in fact. Daves made DARK PASSAGE with Humphrey Bogart the same year.

RED LINE 7000 (1965 US) D/W/P: HOWARD HAWKS W: GEORGE KIRGO/STEVE McNEIL James Caan stars in this racing drama that has more talk than action, but it’s pretty good of its type. With George Takei as Kato, Norman Alden, Marianna Hill, and see if you can spot an uncredited Jerry Lewis as a driver.

THE RED LIPS See: DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS

REDNECK (senza ragione) (1972 ITL UK) D/P: SILVIO NARIZZANO W: MASOLINO D’AMICO/WIN WELLS/RAFAEL SANCHEZ CAMPOY P: MICHAEL LESTER Junkie Memphis (Telly Savalas overacting with a terrible Southern accent), partner Mosquito (Franco Nero), and some woman who doesn’t last long, kidnap little boy Mark Lester after a botched jewel heist turns violent. Nero tries to keep cool and escape with the boy, while Savalas acts more and more out-of-control (he shoots another little boy witness, and pushes a caravan full of German tourists off a cliff!). Lester turns out to be a little psychopath-in-the-making at the end of this strange little film from the director of DIE! DIE! MY DARLING (1965).

THE REDNECK TORTURE TAPE See: UNCLE GODDAMN

REDNECK ZOMBIES (1987 US) D/P: PERICLES LEWNES W: FESTER SMELLMAN/ZOOFEET/FLOYD PIRANHA P: GEORGE SCOTT Moonshine-brewing rednecks use a drum of nuclear waste as a still. They and their backwoods customers turn into flesh-eating zombies as a result in this very silly and over-the-top gore comedy shot on video in Maryland. Begins endearingly but grates midway through. A few beers and/or joints might make you more tolerant. A tobacco man scene is creepy. This review refers to the uncut version. The R runs 6 mins shorter.

THE REDNESS OF THE LIPS See: DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS

RED OCEAN See: MONSTER SHARK

RED OMEGA See: SUPERSNOOPER

RED PLANET (2000 US AUSL) D: ANTHONY HOFFMAN W: CHUCK PFARRER/JONATHAN LEMKIN P: MARK CANTON/BRUCE BERMAN/JORGE SARALEGUI In the year 2025 Earth starts sending space probes to Mars with the makings of vegetation aboard in the hope of supplying the planet with a breathable oxygen supply (at this point the home planet is overpopulated and overpolluted). Carrie-Anne Moss is the captain of the first manned flight to Mars in order to secure a colony. Val Kilmer stars in this surprisingly low-key (for such a major release) sci-fi adventure that’s far from brilliant, but enjoyable enough (better than DePalma’s MISSION TO MARS, for example). With Tom Sizemore, Terence Stamp (who seems to be parodying himself) and Benjamin Bratt.

RED RIDING: THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 1974 (yorkshire killer 1974) (2008 UK) D: JULIAN JARROLD W: TONY GRISONI P: ANITA OVERLAND/WENDY BRAZINGTON/ANDREW EATON/SHUNA FROOD Andrew Garfield (2010’s THE SOCIAL NETWORK) is a young newspaper reporter who returns to his Yorkshire home town during a spate of little girl abductions and killings. He uncovers a conspiracy involving gypsies and a huge land deal. First part of a trilogy of tv movies (that played theatrical overseas) based on a quartet of novels by David Peace that use the North of England of the 70s (a haze of smoke filmed in 16mm rather effectively) as a backdrop for modern gothic crime noir. Sometimes cartoonishly savage and unrealistic, but also loaded with genuinely scary, bleak set pieces, an interesting near miss that’s worth seeing, as long as you watch the others after it (1980 and 1983; they skipped the 77 book). The excellent cast includes Sean Bean, Rebecca Hall (THE TOWN), Warren Clarke, Eddie Marsan, David Morrissey, Peter Mullan, Sean Harris, Michelle Dockery and Robert Sheehan.

RED RIDING: THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 1980 (2008 UK) D: JAMES MARSH W: TONY GRISONI P: ANITA OVERLAND/WENDY BRAZINGTON/ANDREW EATON Middle entry of a tv movie trilogy based on David Peace’s quadrilogy of novels set in West Yorkshire in the bleak 70s/80s. Paddy Considine (star of the 2004 revenge corker DEAD MAN’S SHOES, among other things) stars as a Manchester detective called in by the Home Office to covertly run a squad dedicated to the long-running spate of Yorkshire Ripper murders (75–81, actually). Not unlike the first movie, the pitch-black conspiracy kept by unrelentingly mean-spirited characters (standout is Sean Harris in a fine, effortlessly punchable performance) seems somewhat cartoonish and unlikely, but I think setting the story against a real-life backdrop shouldn’t distract viewers from the fact that this is fiction, and fine modern noir it is, too (a step up from its predecessor). Watch 1983 as well and it all clicks as a fine body of work. With Tony Pitts, Maxine Peake, Jim Carter, Warren Clarke, David Morrissey, Peter Mullan, James Fox, Robert Sheehan and Eddie Marsan. Marsh also made MAN ON WIRE (2008) and other fine documentaries.

RED RIDING: THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 1983 (2008 UK) D: ANAND TUCKER W: TONY GRISONI P: ANITA OVERLAND/WENDY BRAZINGTON/ANDREW EATON Concluding part of the tv movie trilogy based on David Peace’s novels ties everything up with an impressive culminative force, and is a fine modern gothic crime movie in its own right. David Morrissey (from the original, fine 2003 miniseries STATE OF PLAY) finally gets to take centre stage, as well as Mark Addy as a solicitor asked to help in the appeal of a convicted child killer (with learning difficulties), who may have been railroaded by West Yorkshire Police (I bet these films are not much loved by the local constabulary!). With Peter Mullan, Robert Sheehan, Saskia Reeves (as a medium), Jim Carter, Sean Bean, Warren Clarke, Michelle Dockery, Sean Harris, and briefly Andrew Garfield (in footage from 1974).

RED RINGS OF FEAR See: RINGS OF FEAR

RED ROCK WEST (1992 US) D/W: JOHN DAHL W: RICK DAHL P: SIGURJÓN SIGHVATSSON/STEVE COLIN Nicolas Cage is an ex-Marine drifter who’s mistaken for a hired killer in a small Wyoming town. Dennis Hopper (who’s particularly good) is the real hitman hired by J.T. Walsh (the Sheriff) to kill his wife Lara Flynn Boyle. This plot-twisting neo-noir is an improvement on Dahl’s earlier KILL ME AGAIN and well worth a look. With Dwight Yoakam. THE LAST SEDUCTION was next.

RED ROOM (akai misshitsu: kindan no osama game) (1999 JPN) D/W: DAISUKE YAMANOUCHI P: TADANOBU HIRAO Three women (including a sadistic schoolgirl) and one dangerously pent-up and submissive man compete for a small fortune in cash in a concrete basement room with a cell in the corner. They draw cards, and the winner elects two of the others to play out increasingly sadistic and demeaning games (usually sexual), the aim being to force everyone else to quit before themselves. Beginning with a lesbian kiss, proceeding to spinning someone round in a chair until they throw up, not to mention pissing in one woman’s mouth (cue gratuitous shock twist here), things get nastier when a makeshift bulb dildo shatters in use, and a blow job ends in castration. Sixty-nine very cheap shot-on-video mins that seem so desperate to shock that, over a decade later, it all seems so quaint! The prolific Yamanouchi churned out several more shock tactic cheapies, including a RED ROOM sequel the following year.

RED SCORPION (1987 S.AFR US NAM) D: JOSEPH ZITO W: ARNE OLSEN/ROBERT ABRAMOFF W/P: JACK ABRAMOFF Dolph Lundgren is a KGB agent who goes undercover in Communist-occupied Africa to kill a black revolutionary. He ends up fighting for the rebels in an overlong movie that has some decent action, M. Emmet Walsh as a journalist who gets angry and swears a lot, Brion James, Carmen Argenziano, T.P. McKenna, Pedro Armendárez Jr., Humberto Elizondo, Tom Savini FX and the song Good Golly Miss Molly a lot. For more on producer Abramoff’s later scandals as a Capitol Hill lobbyist, see CASINO JACK AND THE UNITED STATES OF MONEY (2010).

RED SCORPION 2 (1994 CAN) D: MICHAEL KENNEDY W: TROY BOLOTNICK/BARRY VICTOR P: ROBERT MALCOLM Throwaway bonehead sequel-in-name-only stars Matt McColm as one of a team of crack commandos assembled to take down John Savage’s neo-Nazi hate group. With Michael Ironside, Jennifer Rubin, Paul Ben-Victor, Duncan Fraser, Vladimir Kulich, Suki Kaiser and Jerry Wasserman.

THE RED SPECTACLES (akai megane) (1987 JPN) D/W: MAMORU OSHII W: KAZUNORI ITO P: SHIGEHARU SHIBA/DAISUKE HAYASHI Oshii wrote a manga concerning an alternative post-WWII Japanese military police force called “Hellhounds”. The background formed the basis for two live action movies (this and the 1991 follow up STRAY DOGS) and the animated feature THE WOLF BRIGADE. The cast of this extremely bizarre, ultra-pretentious experimental oddity seems to be made up of mostly well-known anime voice stars (much of the postdubbed sound will register with fans), which is fitting for a movie with so many cartoonish sequences. But what makes it so strange is that these amusing moments (complete with comical music) punctuate long, sombre scenes of talk and more talk. Occasionally the viewer is left puzzled by avant-garde vignettes out of the blue, registering somewhere between silent movie farce and music hall. I’m not going to even bother trying to relay the plot. I can imagine most people hating it, but this ahead-of-its-time retro live-action hard-boiled sci-fi anime experiment (or some such reviewer bullshit pigeonholing), in monochrome and colour, won me over with its strange originality, even if it was about 30 mins too long. With Hideo Amamoto. Oshii and Ito (and composer Kenji Kawai) later collaborated on the animated GHOST IN THE SHELL.

RED SUN (soleil rouge; sol rojo; sole rosso) (1971 FRA ITL SPN) D: TERENCE YOUNG W: LAIRD KOENIG/ DENNE BART PETITCLERC/WILLIAM ROBERTS/LAWRENCE ROMAN P: TED RICHMOND Bandits led by Alain Delon storm a train which the Japanese ambassador is travelling across America on, and steal a valuable samurai sword. Royal Samurai Toshiro Mifune must retrieve it or commit hara-kiri. Bounty hunter Charles Bronson reluctantly guides him through the desert in this unusual Eurowestern. There’s too much comedy, but it does have its moments. How can you pass up a Mifune/Bronson vehicle anyway? With Ursula Andress, Capucine, Bernabé Barta Barr and Anthony Dawson. Young made it between the Bronson vehicles COLD SWEAT and THE VALACHI PAPERS (1972).

RED SUN RISING (1993 US) D: FRANCIS MEGAHY W: DAVID S. GREEN W/P: NEVA FRIEDENN/ PAUL MASLAK Don “The Dragon” Wilson is a half-Japanese Kyoto cop who goes to LA to catch a gang boss (Soon-Tek Oh) who had his partner (Yuji Okumoto) killed. I’m getting pretty sick of these tired, cliché action movies that think they can get away with tedium because of the East/West culture clash gimmick. But I did enjoy seeing Mako in an “I’m The Big Banana” t-shirt. With Terry Farrell as Wilson’s reluctant (aren’t they always?) partner, Michael Ironside (fun to watch as usual), Edward Albert, James Lew, Art Camacho, Steve Burton, Leisa Sheridan and Tom Butler.

RED TO KILL (yeuk saai; ruo sha) (1994 HK) D: BILLY TANG W: WONG HA WA P: KIMMY SHUEN Lily Chung Suk Wai is a mentally retarded young woman who’s taken to an institute for the mentally disabled after her father dies. Ben Ng gives an amazing out-of-control performance as a kindly seeming care worker who’s secretly a traumatised rapist and killer who rapes Suk Wai (in long, intense and erotic scenes) and then gets away with it, only to return for more. Heady subject matter is not for the easily offended, especially since it’s filmed in such an in-your-face style. But what do you expect from a Category III outing whose opening scenes have a suicidal mother jumping from a tower block with her retarded child in her arms, as we stick around just long enough to see heads burst on impact? For those up to it, it’s an all-out audience-manipulating exploitation classic of its kind. With Baat Leung Gam.

RED WATER (2003 US) D: CHARLES ROBERT CARNER W: J.D. FEIGELSON/CHRIS MACK P: MITCH ENGEL Lou Diamond Phillips is a boat owner who reluctantly helps ex Kristy Swanson by taking her and arsehole yuppie type Gideon Emery upriver to lay claim to an underwater reserve of natural gas, situated in an area protected by environmental laws. A barely seen freshwater shark eats people, and some gangsters (including Coolio) are after a stash of sunken cash. This crap was lensed in South Africa.

THE RED, WHITE AND BLACK See: SOUL SOLDIER

RED ZONE (1997) See: THE PEACEKEEPER

RED ZONE CUBA (night train to mundo fine) (1966 US) D/W: COLEMAN FRANCIS P: ANTHONY CARDOZA This is the third and final unwatchably dull movie from the Francis and Cardoza team. John Carradine relates a feature-length flashback (that was actually filmed in 1961) of how his train was hijacked by escaped convicts all set to invade the Bay of Pigs in Cuba! I can’t tell if it’s either very confusing or so boring that the human mind can’t concentrate on it for long periods of time. Francis stars and Cardoza appears as Fidel Castro! The best thing about it is Carradine singing the theme tune.

THE REEF (shark attack) (2010 AUSL) D/W/P: ANDREW TRAUCKI P: MICHAEL ROBERTSON Five people on a yacht bound for Indonesia rip open their keel on some coral, and the craft quickly sinks. Some decide to swim for the nearest island (which ain’t so near), but the area is patrolled by aggressive sharks. “Based on a true event”, it’s not a bad OPEN WATER clone, suspenseful enough to waste 90 mins on. Some of the shark attack scenes are filmed in a remarkably realistic way. Director Traucki’s previous film was the somewhat similar BLACK WATER (with a crocodile). Filmed around Port Lincoln and Queensland.

REEFER MADNESS (the burning question; tell your children; dope addict; doped youth; love madness) (1936 US) D: LOUIS J. GASNIER W: PAUL FRANKLIN/ ARTHUR HOERL/LAWRENCE MEADE P: DWAIN ESPER/ GEORGE A. HIRLIMAN Suspiciously old-looking teens are sucked into a vortex of sex, madness, violence and frenzied piano playing when a pusher (Carleton Young) takes them to an apartment where they can party and be introduced to the devilish weed marijuana (which is considered worse than both heroin and opium). It’s pretty amazing that this paranoid b/w perils-of-narcotics quickie not only made bundles of cash on its initial release, but also raked in a pretty penny as a so-bad-it’s-good midnight movie revival favourite in later, more enlightened times. With Dorothy Short, Dave O’Brien and Harry Harvey Jr. Gasnier’s career stretched back to the silents and included Spanish-language versions of Paramount hits. He ended up at Monogram.

REEKER (dead people 2) (2005 US) D/W/P: DAVE PAYNE P: AMANDA KLEIN/TINA ILLMAN Five youngsters (South African driver Illman, blind Devon Gummersall from EARTH VS. THE SPIDER Mk. II, the Bruce Campbell-like Scott Whyte, Derek Richardson from DUMB AND DUMBERER, and Arielle Kebbel from THE UNINVITED) are on a ride-share trip to a rave at Area 52 (as opposed to 51, I guess) in the desert. Their car breaks down at a deserted diner/ motel, there’s no tv or radio signal and dead, mutilated victims of a mysterious invisible killer (with a strong stench) walk around (including a half-man). It’s eventually seen to be a caped figure in a gas mask with a big drill (pretty cool), but things all tie up nicely in the unexpected ending. Drags a little in the midsection, but this is a fun, clever horror gem with interesting characters, good acting, stunts and FX. With Michael Ironside in a motorhome and Eric Mabius (THE CROW: SALVATION) as a crazed MDMA dealer. Illman says, “I’m from Johannesburg. It takes a lot to scare me”. Recommended. Followed by NO MAN’S LAND: THE RISE OF REEKER (2008).

REFORM SCHOOL GIRLS (1986 US) D/W: TOM DeSIMONE P: JACK CUMMINS This women-in-prison “spoof” is ok, but not particularly funny. With Wendy O. Williams (from The Plasmatics), Pat Ast, Sybil Danning, Michelle Bauer, Leslee Bremmer and Julia Parton. From the director of HELL NIGHT.

REGARDE LA MER (see the sea) (1997 FRA) D/W: FRANÇOIS OZON P: NICOLAS BREVIERE/OLIVIER DELBOSC An Englishwoman in France lives by the sea with her baby while her husband is on a business trip. A mysterious young woman with an attitude (Marcia de Van) stays in a tent in the garden, and the lonely mother welcomes the company. We gradually learn that this traveller is not right in the head and holds some kind of grudge. Predictable, but the point of this slow-moving 52 mins tale is to make the audience feel uneasy while getting there. And that’s just the problem with it, it’s a patently prefabricated assault on the arthouse with no real rhyme or reason. Very well done, though.

THE REGENERATED MAN See: THE DEADLY SPAWN 3

REGENERATOR See: METAMORPHOSIS (1989)

REIGN IN DARKNESS (vampire terminator) (2002 AUSL) D/W/P: DAVID ALLEN/KEL DOLEN Dreadful Melbourne-lensed apocalyptic action sci-fi about secret agents pursuing runaways infected with a vampire virus. Both Allen and Dolen star. Unbelievably bad attempts at American accents raise some laughs, but that’s hardly a recommendation.

REIGN OF ASSASSINS (jianyu) (2010 CHN) D/W: SU CHAO PIN D/P: JOHN WOO P: TERENCE CHANG The Dark Stone Sect (led by Wang Xue-Qi) wants to get their hands on the withered corpse of monk Bodhi, the legendary Indian Buddhist who supposedly brought kung fu to Shaolin. Split into two parts, the body is said to grant the possessor great martial arts prowess and power. Michelle Yeoh stars as a hunted former sect member who absconded with one half, and practises a fighting style that involves a long, bendy sword that can twist and intertwine. Korean Jung Woo-Sung (THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE WEIRD) co-stars as her husband. A pretty good (and great-looking) wuxia swordplay and fantasy adventure, with some nicely choreographed combat scenes (courtesy of Stephen Tung Wai), magic, stuff about eunuchs and early cosmetic surgery. All sets, costumes and period detail are first-class. End is a tad anticlimactic, though. With Shawn Yue (from the underrated SHAMO), Barbie Hsu, Pau Hei-Ching, Kelly Lin, Guo Xiao-Dong, Pace Wu, Jiang Yi-Yan and Leon Dai. Co-director Pin is the Taiwanese guy who made SILK (2006). Woo’s swordplay classic remains LAST HURRAH FOR CHIVALRY.

REIGN OF FIRE (salamander) (2002 UK IRE US) D: ROB BOWMAN W: GREGG CHABOT/KEVIN PETERKA/ MATT GREENBERG P: GARY BARBER/ROGER BIRNBAUM/LILI FINI ZANUCK/RICHARD D. ZANUCK In post-nuke England survivors led by Christian Bale live in a medieval castle and hide underground from attacks by fire-breathing dragons. An American dragonslayer team led by Matthew McConaughey and Izabella Scorpio use choppers to hunt. The main mission is to destroy the only male dragon hiding somewhere in London. Sounds pretty exciting and different, right? Well, it should have been, but too much time spent on human drama and virtually no imaginative dragon action sink it. A shame. With Gerald Butler, Alexander Siddig and Alice Krige.

REINDEER GAMES (2000 US) D: JOHN FRANKENHEIMER W: EHREN KRUGER P: MARTY KATZ/BOB WEINSTEIN/CHRIS MOORE Ben Affleck is a car thief con who gets out of prison and assumes the identity of his cellmate (James Frain) so he can shack up with his pen pal/lover Charlize Theron. But it turns out Frain was being set up to help a gang led by Theron’s brother (a long-haired Gary Sinise) to rob a casino on Christmas Eve. Decent thriller opens with shots of dead Santas, but is marred by an unnecessary and unlikely twist ending. With Dennis Farina as the casino owner, Clarence Williams III, Danny Trejo, Donal Logue, Mark Acheson, Tom Heaton, Ron Jeremy, Hrothgar Mathews, John B. Destry, Ashton Kutcher, Lonny Chapman, Ken Camroux and Isaac Hayes in a small but funny part (“monsters in the gellentine”, as he puts it).

REJECTED (2000 US ANIMATED) D/W/P: DON HERTZFELDT Posing as a collection of bogus rejected commercials for a fictional corporation and a cable channel that supposedly hired Hertzfeldt, this hilarious 9 mins stick figure animation contains twisted, dark absurd humour that won’t be to everyone’s taste. For those inclined, prepare to laugh a lot.

THE REJUVENATOR (the rejuvenatrix) (1985 US) D/W: BRIAN THOMAS JONES W: SIMON NUCHTERN P STEVEN D. MACKLER A wealthy, ageing former movie star actress finds a scientist who’s created an age-reversal serum made from human brain extracts that renders her young and beautiful again. The downside is that the dependent woman needs more and more of the difficult-to-produce drug, or otherwise transforms into a mutant-faced monster with an expanding head with exposed brain, claws, teeth and a murderous appetite (Ed French provided the cool FX). This ambitious NYC-lensed amalgamation of THE WASP WOMAN, SUNSET BLVD (she has a loyal servant looking after her) and Burke and Hare (bodysnatchers provide the brains) is a kinda fun low-budget monster movie that deserves credit, but it is too slow and talky with a monotonous script.

RELENTLESS (1989 US) D: WILLIAM LUSTIG W: “JACK T.D. ROBINSON” (PHIL ALDEN ROBINSON) P: SANFORD HAMPTON Judd Nelson is pretty good as a traumatised serial killer who picks victims at random from the phone book (like M. Emmet Walsh in THE JERK). His abusive father was a demanding hero cop. Leo Rossi and Robert Loggia are the cops on the case. Nothing brilliant, but an enjoyable, violent little thriller. With Meg Foster, Angel Tompkins, George “Buck” Flower, Ken Lerner, Beau Starr, Eddie Bunker, Armand Mastroianni and Lustig. The screenwriter made the very different FIELD OF DREAMS (1989). Lustig made MANIAC COP 2 next.

RELENTLESS 2: DEAD ON (1991 US) D: MICHAEL SCHROEDER W: MARK LEVI P: STU SEGALL Miles O’Keeffe is the serial killer who strangles and stabs people across America. Leo Rossi returns as a cop who has to team up with an FBI agent (Ray Sharkey) keeping secrets about the case. This sequel is well made, has an ambitious and different plot and O’Keeffe makes a good villain. But the conclusion is confused and unsatisfying. With Meg Foster, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Dale Dye, Allan Rich, Bob Minor and flashback footage from the original.

RELENTLESS 3 (1993 US) D/W: JAMES LEMMO P: PAUL HERTZBERG/LISA H. HANSEN Series regular Leo Rossi returns to hunt another serial killer. This time it’s necrophiliac psycho William Forsythe. Nothing special, but another watchable entry (that was cut to receive an R rating). With Tom Bower and Robert Costanzo.

RELENTLESS 4: THE REDEEMER (relentless 4: ashes to ashes; psycho revolver) (1994 US) D: OLEY SASSONE W: MARK SEVI P: RUSSELL D. MARKOWITZ This one’s ok with good character stuff, but pretty predictable and sedate as a thriller. Series regular Leo Rossi (with a new female partner) is on the trail of a serial killer who murders in various ritualistic fashions. All the victims were seeing psychiatrist Famke Janssen. The director (who also helmed the unreleased FANTASTIC FOUR movie) is Vidal Sassoon’s son. With Ken Lerner and Lisa Robin Kelly.

THE RELIC (1996 US UK GER JPN NZ) D: PETER HYAMS W: AMY JONES/JOHN RAFFO/RICK JAFFE/ AMANDA SILVER P: GALE ANNE HURD/SAM MERCER An explorer in Brazil sends a parasitic fungus sample to a Chicago museum. The fungus is filled with rapid growth hormones found in the brain, so when something eats it we get a head-ripping, brain-eating monster on the loose. But this pretty dull movie ruins it by being too long and too slowmoving. The fairly gory Stan Winston FX are enjoyable, though. Hyams always photographs his own films. Penelope Ann Miller is an evolutionary biologist, and Tom Sizemore is a superstitious cop. With Constance Towers (star of THE NAKED KISS), James Whitmore, John Kapelos, John Di Santi, David Prova, Gene Davis and Aaron Lustig. Based on a novel by Douglas Preston and Linnola Child.

REM See: CHASING SLEEP

RENDEZVOUS WITH DEATH (ching tieh) (1980 HK) D: SUN CHUNG W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW/MONA FONG An upstart young fighter (Wong Yu, brandishing an umbrella as a weapon) gets himself noticed by prince Ku Feng, so he can get the job of escorting a sealed box (with unknown contents) cross-country. Various characters set up elaborate traps to catch him and get the loot. Lo Lieh is a beggar who aids him, and Chen Kuan-Tai is a famed warrior with his own agenda. The convoluted plot and bad midway pacing prevent this from being among the best from Shaw Bros, but Tang Chia choreographs many excellent set pieces, utilising a variety of weapons. Kung fu fans will find it worthwhile. With Chan Shen, Tang Ching, Chan Si-Gaai, Jamie Luk, Yuen Wah, Yuen Bun, Stephan Yip, Cheng Kei-Ying, Chin Chun, Wang Seung-Lam, Tony Lee, Lam Chi-Tai, Ngai Tim-Choi, Wong Pau-Gei, Kong Chuen, Wan Faat, Chan Siu-Ga, Yeung Kin, Lee Fat-Yuen, Fong Yue, Ng Yuen Fan and a brief fighting cameo from Johnny Wang Lung-Wei (brandishing a cleaver).

RENEGADE FORCE See: COUNTERFORCE

RENEGADE GIRLS See: CAGED HEAT!

RENEGADE MASTER (shaolin iron finger) (1977 TAI) D: WONG HUNG CHEUNG P: JIMMY SHAW Carter Wong stars as a thorn-in-the-side revolutionary who’s forced into killing his peers by James Tin Jun, who’s kidnapped his mother. Often considered a third-rate kung fu movie lead, I’ve always had a special fondness for Wong (who was once a martial arts instructor for the Hong Kong Police Force). But even he couldn’t really hold my interest in this very slow-moving and not exactly action-packed quickie. Hsieh Hsing’s choreography is mediocre. With Kam Kong, Ricky Cheng, Woo Gam, Wai Wang, Au Lap Bo and Shih Ting Ken.

RENEGADE RAIDERS See: AMBUSH!

RENT-A-GIRL (rented) (1965 US) D/W/P: WILLIAM L. ROSE In this b/w Cambist release from the director of THE GIRL IN ROOM 2A (1974), a girl tells an old man (a prosecutor?) about the whole “sordid affair” in feature-length flashback. An upstairs female chain-smoking neighbour and her male accomplice dupe her into posing for cheesecake photos. Meanwhile, they are also renting out their stable of girls to various perverts with different fetishes (the best scene has a topless tied-up woman hosed down with water). She doesn’t know about this, though, and attends a wild, drunken party where she’s the “guest of honour”. In the surprising ending, she’s blindfolded and branded (!) on the back of her thigh. Some woman who likes to whip young girls is blackmailed and beaten bloody, too (and then killed, it seems). It’s another thrown together, forgettable but somehow essential NYC-lensed mean-spirited nudie unearthed by Mike Vraney and Something Weird Video. With Gigi Darlene and Darlene Bennett. Anton Holden (AROUSED) worked on it, and edited.

RENTED See: RENT-A-GIRL

THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS (1998 US) D: ANTOINE FUQUA W: KEN SANZEL P: BERNIE BRILLSTEIN/ BRAD GREY After John Woo (an executive producer) crossed over to US productions, other Hong Kong filmmakers and performers tried it. This was the first attempt to Hollywoodise Chow Yun-Fat. He’s an assassin hired by Chinese gangsters (and Jürgen Prochnow) to kill cop Michael Rooker’s seven-year-old son. When he can’t follow through, other assassins track him as he attempts to warn his family in China. Mira Sorvino is a passport forger who gets involved. The plot is paper-thin and the mediocre action sequences are not the saving grace they attempted to be. When it does get interesting (rarely), it’s usually derivative of earlier Hong Kong flicks. With Patrick Kilpatrick and Al Leong. THE CORRUPTOR was Fat’s next attempt at cracking the US market.

REPLICANT (2001 US) D: RINGO LAM W: LAWRENCE DAVID RIGGINS/LES WELDON P: JOHN THOMPSON/ DAVID DADON/DANNY LERNER/WILLIAM VANCE Why Jean-Claude Van Damme keeps playing dual roles when he doesn’t even have the charisma for one is beyond me. Here he’s a serial killer who taunts retired cop Michael Rooker (on top form), and a top secret clone that might help in finding him (the story is very stupid). It begins like it may be Van Damme’s first half-decent flick since BLOODSPORT (yes, it has been that long) with Rooker as a great dominant bully to clone Van Damme’s confused, submissive obedience. But it soon degenerates into another title in the Van Damme section of your local video shop that’s not really worth renting. Some of the stunts are good, though. With Catherine Dent, Fulvio Cecere, Marnie Alton, Claire Riley and Hiro Kanagawa. It was filmed in Canada by the director of many superior Hong Kong action movies.

REPLICOP See: THE BRONX EXECUTIONER

REPO MAN (1983 US) D/W: ALEX COX P: JONATHAN WACKS/PETER McCARTHY Cox’s debut feature is a cult classic that more people should discover (and multiple viewings are advised). Emilio Estevez is a rookie car repossession punk kid learning the ropes from experienced Harry Dean Stanton (“a repo man is always intense”). Rival repo firms and government agencies are searching for a ’64 Chevy Malibu with radioactive dead aliens in the trunk (driven by the fantastically eccentric Fox Harris). The ending is pretty wild, and Tracey Walter has a standout performance as a philosophical junkyard owner. With Sy Richardson, Angelique Pettyjohn, Zander Schloss, Miguel Sandoval, Vonetta McGee, Biff Yeager, Abbe Wool and The Circle Jerks. Cox (who’s not hiding his love of spaghetti westerns and KISS ME DEADLY) can be spotted in a gas station. He also prepared a special tv edit with some additional footage and clever swearing substitutes. Michael Nesmith was the executive producer. Oh, and the soundtrack is great, too. See it now, you goddamn melonfarmer! Cox made SID AND NANCY (1986) next. Followed years later by REPO CHICK.

REPORT TO THE COMMISSIONER (operation undercover) (1975 US) D: MILTON KATSELAS W: ABBY MANN/ERNEST TIDYMAN P: M.J. FRANKOVICH When an undercover policewoman (Susan Blakely) is found shot dead in a drug (and arms) dealer’s (Tony King) apartment, police detective Michael Moriarty (as a liberal, long-haired “hippy”) is the chief suspect. A fragmented narrative utilising several characters’ flashbacks reveals what’s going on. Pretty much ignored upon release, the sands of time can help us disregard some of the false notes the film hits occasionally, and we can concentrate on what is good. And there is a lot of good. The excellent supporting cast includes Yaphet Kotto, Héctor Elizondo, Bob Balaban (memorable in a bizarre chase scene as an amputee panhandler), Vic Tayback, William Devane, Dana Elcar, Sonny Rosso and Richard Gere in his feature debut as a pimp. Mario Toso’s gritty, cockeyed location photography (mostly NYC) effectively captures a rooftop chase, and a tense and exciting elevator siege. Elmer Bernstein provides the score. Based on a novel by James Mills (THE PANIC IN NEEDLE PARK), which may be fact-based. Screenwriter Mann wrote JUDGEMENT AT NUREMBERG and created KOJAK, while Tidyman created SHAFT and wrote THE FRENCH CONNECTION. Recommended.

THE REPTILE (1966 UK) D: JOHN GILLING W: “JOHN ELDER” (ANTHONY HINDS) P: ANTHONY NELSONKEYS Filmed at the same time as THE PLAGUE OF THE ZOMBIES on the same sets, this Hammer quickie is watchable enough, but is more or less THE GORGON again. Instead of Medusa, though, the deadly Jacqueline Pearce becomes a pop-eyed, fanged, scaly green snake-head monster because of a Malaysian curse. With Ray Barrett, Michael Ripper, John Laurie, Marne Maitland, Harold Pinter (!) billed as “David Barton”, Charles Lloyd-Pack and George Woodbridge. Most Hammer fans disagree, but I actually prefer this over THE GORGON (if just for the monster makeup).

REPTILE (2000) See: CROCODILE (2000)

REPTILIAN (2001 yongary) (2001 S.KOR) D/W/P: SHIM HYUNG RAE W: MARTY POOLE Archaeologists uncover the remains of a creature fifty times bigger than T. Rex. Hostile, unconvincing plastic aliens reanimate the fire-breathing creature, Yongary (the monster had an eponymous release in the 60s), which results in dull digital FX attacking “New York”. With Harrison Young and no Koreans in the cast.

REPTILICUS (1961 DEN) D/W/P: SIDNEY PINK D: PAUL BANG W: IB MELCHIOR P: SAM ARKOFF Oil drilling uncovers the tail of an ancient giant reptile frozen underground. It’s dug up and preserved. After it’s accidentally thawed, the cells regenerate and a full-size monster terrorises Copenhagen and the surrounding countryside with green spitballs. The filmmakers don’t seem to have even tried to make Reptilicus look like anything more than a puppet suspended from wires. Pathetic and boring. With Carl Ottosen and Ann Smyrner. Pink produced THE ANGRY RED PLANET for Melchior.

REPULSION (1965 UK) D/W: ROMAN POLANSKI W: GERARD BRACH P: GENE GUTOWSKI Catherine Deneuve is a French beautician who lives in a London flat with her sister. The bored, aloof and very sensitive girl goes slowly out of her mind when the sister goes away on holiday. She hallucinates, hears things, imagines being raped, and smashes a pushy wannabe boyfriend’s head in after he breaks in. Soon she locks herself in and ends up cutting up the sleazy landlord who calls round. This deliberately paced and very claustrophobic b/w classic of its kind was most controversial in its day because an orgasm is heard. The inspirational hands-reaching-from-the-wall scene was itself inspired by Disney’s SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS. With Ian Hendry, Mike Pratt, James Villiers and Polanski as a spoon player. The director made the very different THE FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLERS next.

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM (2000 US) D/W: DARREN ARONOFSKY W: HUBERT SELBY JR. P: ERIC WATSON/PALMER WEST If you loved the depressing adaption of Selby’s LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN (1989), here’s another one of his novels brought to the screen. Jared Leto, his girlfriend Jennifer Connelly and friend Marlon Wayans are Brighton Beach Brooklynites who buy a bunch of pure smack so they can cut it, sell it on the streets and make a whole bunch of dough while having a great out-of-it time. Ellen Burstyn is Leto’s lonely widowed mother who gets addicted to diet pills for a possible television appearance. The painful, difficult-to-watch descent of all the main characters into utter despair, depression and/or madness (and worse) is made all the worse by Aronofsky’s impressively stylish, vivid and jarring visual style. I’m not saying that the events aren’t believable or convincing, but at times I did feel like I was watching a more knowing, up-to-date (and much more savage) relative of the old roadshow drug scare movies. With Christopher MacDonald, Louise Lasser, Ajay Naidu, Keith David, Sean Gullette (from Aronofsky’s PI), Denise Y. Dowse, Suzanne Shepherd, Selby in a cameo, and an uncredited Mark Margolis. Available in two versions, one with slightly more sexual explicitness in the anal dildo-sandwich party scene with Connelly. Clint Mansell (formerly of the band Pop Will Eat Itself) provided a great score.

RESCUE TEAM (intrusion cambodia) (1981 PHIL) D: “JOHN GALE” (JUN GALLADO) W/P: RODOLFO DABAO W: DON GORDON According to an exrental tape I picked up in Tokyo, Cannon released this bad, formulaic POW ’nam rescue action movie starring Richard Harrison and Gordon. You’ve seen it all before. The end credits read “Thanks to Covelandia, the island that has it all…” [Illus.]

RESERVOIR DOGS (1991 US) D/W: QUENTIN TARANTINO P: LAWRENCE BENDER Tight, welltold and perfectly paced crime movie dealing with a (never seen) diamond heist gone wrong and the chaotic aftermath. Lawrence Tierney (described as looking like The Thing from The Fantastic Four) and his son Chris Penn hire six professionals to pull it off, but one is an undercover cop. Harvey Keitel is White, Steve Buscemi Pink, Tim Roth Orange, Michael Madsen a psychotic Blonde, Tarantino Brown, and crime novelist and real-life ex-con Eddie Bunker is Blue. Most of it takes place in the warehouse hideout, but Tarantino’s inspired use of music, cutting and ear for quotable dialogue makes it so much more than a filmed stage play. The macho-men-being-emotional slant is worthy of Peckinpah at times. There are references to other movies (and other Tarantino scripts) and a major chunk of the Hong Kong movie CITY ON FIRE is borrowed (including the Mexican standoff ending). I also get a very Richard Stark vibe off it, too. Lawrence Bender has a small part and that’s Steven Wright’s voice on the radio. Keitel co-produced and Monte Hellman was the executive producer. The photography is from Andrzej Sekula. You might be sick of hearing about Tarantino’s debut, his follow up PULP FICTION or the man in general. But don’t forget that this is a very good movie. KAANTE is a Hindi semi-remake from 2002.

RESET See: VANISHING ON 7TH STREET

RESIDENT EVIL (biohazard) (2002 UK GER FRA) D/W/P: PAUL W.S. ANDERSON P: JEREMY BOLT/BERNARD EICHNER/SAMUEL HADIDA Milla Jovovich (THE FIFTH ELEMENT) heads the cast of this zombie horror/action flick in which characters with no memory find themselves trapped in an underground complex where a virus results in armies of the living dead. Originally to have been directed by George A. Romero (a missed opportunity), the main problem with this flashy FX-laden hit is that all the gore was cut out to avoid an NC-17. It has other problems too (note CUBE and MATRIX rip-off scenes), but it’s not as bad as you might expect for a movie based on a video game. With some gore it could be more fun (maybe the dvd will supply). With Eric Mabius (CROW: SALVATION), Colin Salmon, Heike Makatsch, Stephen Billington, Martin Crewes, Pasquale Aleardi, Michelle Rodriguez, James Purefoy, an uncredited Jason Isaacs, and Bolt as a zombie. RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE was the first sequel.

RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE (biohazard 4) (2010 GER FRA UK) D/W/P: PAUL W.S. ANDERSON P: JEREMY BOLT/BERND EICHINGER/SAMUEL HADIDA/ DON CARMODY/ROBERT KULZER It’s the same brand of vapid, mindless video game violence choreographed to a pumping soundtrack, but they must have got the dosage right this time as I quite enjoyed this outing. I just kicked back, relaxed and enjoyed the ridiculous thrills, akin to a satisfying kick on cheap designer drugs. Utterly unsubstantial, and all the better for it. The plot (as if you care) has Jovovich and Co. (Larter and Locke make a return) infiltrating an Umbrella Corp storage facility full of human test subjects. I liked the briefly glimpsed burrowing mutant zombies, and the giant with a large hammer best. With Wentworth Miller from the PRISON BREAK tv series doing his usual shtick (quiet, moody and buff), Kim Coates (being an arsehole as usual), Boris Kodjoe (from STARSHIP TROOPERS 3), Shawn Roberts, Sergio Peris-Mencheta, Fulvio Cecere and Dennis Akiyama. Originally released to theatres in 3D. Looks like more sequels will keep Mr and Mrs Anderson in business. Shot in Canada.

RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE (biohazard 2: apocalypse) (2004 GER FRA UK CAN) D: ALEXANDER WITT W/P: PAUL W.S. ANDERSON P: JEREMY BOLT/DON CARMODY Milla Jovovich and Sienna Guillory are the tough female leads in this truly awful ultra-stylised sequel with more zombie mayhem, overblown action and FX, and no sense of camera placement, progressive storytelling, character development or (most importantly) fun. With Thomas Kretschmann, Jared Harris, Oded Fehr, Mike Epps, Sandrine Holt, Matthew G. Taylor, Zack Ward, Iain Glen, Dave Nichols, Roman Podhora and Witt. It was filmed in Berlin and Toronto. Followed by RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION.

RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION (biohazard 3) (2007 US UK GER AUSL FRA) D: RUSSELL MULCAHY W/P: PAUL W.S. ANDERSON P: BERND EICHINGER/ SAMUEL HADIDA/JEREMY BOLT/ROBERT KULZER The corporate military villains have a DAY OF THE DEAD-like underground bunker, and Milla Jovovich helps a bunch of travellers en route to Alaska in this post-apocalyptic sequel with zombies ruling the Earth. It’s overlong, with pacing problems and surprisingly see-through CGI FX, but it’s a step up from the last one, and fairly entertaining as this kind of mindless eye candy goes. I enjoyed. Set in Salt Lake City, it was shot in Mexico. With Ali Larter, Oded Fehr, Iain Glen, Ashanti, Matthew Marsden, Linden Ashby, Mike Epps and many Jovovich clones in a good opening scene. There’s a set-up for more sequels, the first of which was RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE.

THE RESURRECTED (hell hazard; shatterbrain) (1992 CAN) D: DAN O’BANNON W: BRENT V. FRIEDMAN P: KEN RAICH/MARK BORDE A private detective on Rhode Island narrates the story of how he’s hired to find out what cosmetics engineer Chris Sarandon is doing in his secret laboratory at the bottom of his garden (by his wife). This adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s The Case of Charles Dexter Ward is one of the best and most faithful Lovecraft adaptations. Without wanting to give too much away, there’s some excellent and gory mutant FX by Todd Masters (who also appears briefly). Sarandon also plays his own evil 18th century ancestor. With Jewel Shepard, Robert Romanus, Ken Camroux, Phil Hayes and Serge Houde. Corman’s THE HAUNTED PALACE was based on the same story. Friedman also wrote for the Lovecraft anthology NECRONOMICON.

RESURRECTION (1999 US) D: RUSSELL MULCAHY W: BRAD MIRMAN W/P: CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT P: HOWARD BALDWIN/NILE NIAMI/PATRICK CHOI Lambert stars as a Chicago cop after a religious freak serial killer collecting bodyparts (like in PIECES) in this SE7EN rip-off. Parts are silly, but overall it’s fairly entertaining stuff. A visual highlight is a naked headless man sitting on a toilet. David Cronenberg is a priest. With Jayne Eastwood, Peter MacNeill, Philip Williams, Jonathan Whittaker and Scott Wickware.

RETARDEAD (2008 US) D/W/P: DAN WEST/RICK POPKO In this follow up to MONSTURD, an evil scientist turns a bunch of retards into geniuses overnight, the only side effect being that they turn into zombies soon after. Gleefully non-PC gore comedy has some good laughs and cheap but nicely garish paperback-esque retro gore. A bit overlong at 103 mins, though that running time includes a drive-in concession stand ad spoof, and a couple of fake trailers. Popko has a major part, and there are cameos from Jello Biafra, Mark Pirro, David F. Friedman and Damon Foster.

RETREAT THROUGH THE WET WASTELAND (nureta koya o hashire) (1973 JPN) D: YUKIHIRO SAWADA W: KAZUHIKO HASEGAWA Corrupt cops led by a cool chain-smoking curly-haired detective rob a church of relief funds collected for Vietnam War victims. They also smash a flower vase over the pastor’s head and gang-rape his wife (not to mention harass and torture her during the farcical investigation utilised to remove crime scene evidence). All seems to be going to plan, until a fire at a mental hospital results in the escape of a sexcrazed former policeman whom the villainous lead had run over and put inside (here he’s subjected to electroshock therapy) for knowing too much. They chase after him with his sexy (and sexually molested, naturally) wife in tow, hoping to frame him for the whole thing. Despite acting weird and creepy, the runaway loon manages to befriend a cute young schoolgirl (Yuri Yamashina), whom he gets to fuck. They join some kind of travelling troupe of performers before things come to a head in a violent climax. Despite sounding silly or unlikely, this bleak, nihilistic hijacking of the Nikkatsu sex movie brand name is supercharged exploitation stuff, with a very antiauthoritarian counterculture message. In Japan it’s considered a major cult movie landmark. Screenwriter Hasegawa made the classic THE MAN WHO STOLE THE SUN.

RETRIBUTION (1999) See: COMPLICITY

RETRIBUTION (2006) See: SAKEBI

RETROACTIVE (reverse) (1997 US) D: LOUIS MORNEAU P: BRAD KREVOV/DAVE BIXIER/MICHAEL NADEAU/STEVE STABLER W: MICHAEL HAMILTONWRIGHT/ ROBERT ATRAUSS/PHILLIP BADGER Disgraced Chicago FBI agent Kylie Travis drives back to her Texas home town, only to crash and get stranded on the highway (filmed in California’s Mojave Desert). She gets a lift with small-time sleazeball crook James Belushi and his abused girlfriend Shannon Whirry. The psycho Belushi ends up killing a bunch of people and Travis escapes to a nearby research facility where scientist Frank Whaley is experimenting with time travel. He keeps sending her back twenty minutes in time to replay the events over and over until she gets it right and we have a happy ending in this lousy, GROUNDHOG DAY-inspired sci-fi action bore. With M. Emmet Walsh and Jesse Borrego. Morneau also directed CARNOSAUR 2, and Hamilton-Wright made THE MANGLER 2.

RETRO PUPPETMASTER (1999 US) D: “JOSEPH TENNENT” (DAVID DeCOTEAU) W: BENJAMIN CARR/ CHARLES BAND P: VLAD PANESCU Or PUPPET MASTER 7. As if we needed another one. We see how a young Andre Toulon got the gift of bringing puppets to life from an ancient Egyptian sorcerer on the run from a religious sect in Paris. There are less sophisticated wooden puppets (including two new ones, Cyclops and Dr. Death), hence the title. Do I need to tell you that it’s not worth your time? If you really have no life, you can also see PUPPET MASTER: THE LEGACY (2003), PUPPET MASTER VS. DEMONIC TOYS (2004) and PUPPET MASTER: AXIS OF EVIL (2010).

RETURNER (2002 JPN) D/W: TAKASHI YAMAZAKI P: TORU HORIBE Assassin Takeshi Kaneshiro reluctantly helps a cute young girl (Ann Suzuki) sent back from Tibet 2084 to prevent a war in the future. They must prevent an alien baby who crash-landed on Earth from being exploited by scientists and mean gangster Gorô Kishitani. Suzuki also learns the joys of spaghetti and designer clothing in lighter moments. Otherwise it’s a solid teen-appeal sci-fi adventure that benefits from great, expensivelooking FX and likeable characters. With small-time arms dealer Kirin Kiki, Mitsuru Murata and Yukiko Okamoto. Yamazaki also made the other kid-appeal sci-fi hit JUVENILE.

RETURN FROM DEATH (frankenstein 2000: ritorno dalla morte) (1991 ITL) D: “DAVID HILLS” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) W: JOAN RUSSELL When a widow is raped, she falls into a coma and her friend (Donald O’Brien) is framed for the attack. The woman uses her telekinetic powers to raise O’Brien from the dead after he’s murdered by the real culprits. Apparently O’Brien was cast as the vengeful, lurching monster because he had recently suffered a stroke! Laura Gemser provided the costumes for this terrible, boring horror movie which has Italian actors delivering their English lines phonetically (which sounds really strange). The stupidest part has a guy decapitated by a closing car door!

THE RETURN OF CAPTAIN MARVEL See: ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MARVEL

THE RETURN OF CHANDU (1934 US) D: RAY TAYLOR W: BARRY BERRINGER P: SOL LESSER CHANDU THE MAGICIAN was a 1932 feature that starred Bela Lugosi as an Egyptian sorcerer villain. This largely unrelated b/w 12-chapter serial has Bela recreating the role, only this time he’s the hero. Maria Alba is the Egyptian princess in San Francisco (and later on a ship and then an island) in danger of being kidnapped by an Egyptian cult who want to sacrifice her. It’s based on a play by Harry A. Earnshaw, R.R. Morgan and Vera M. Oldham. As serials go it’s not bad and better than many, but some chapters don’t even have cliffhanger endings! With Clara Kimball Young, Lucien Prival, Murdock MacQuarrie, Wilfred Lucas, Josef Swickard, Dick Botiller, Edward Peil Sr., Henry Hall, John Ince, Frank Lanning, Merrill McCormick, Gloria Holden and the KING KONG giant wall set. Beware, RETURN OF CHANDU is also the title of a condensed feature version (the second part being called CHANDU ON MAGIC ISLAND).

THE RETURN OF COUNT YORGA (vampire story) (1971 US) D/W: BOB KELLJAN W: YVONNE WILDER P: MICHAEL MacREADY You can tell that AIP rushed this sequel into production, but it doesn’t matter because this is more fun with a loose infectious energy that you just don’t get with proper preparation! Robert Quarry preys upon a San Francisco orphanage this time and the chills and laughs are plentiful. With Mariette Hartley, George MacReady in his final role, Walter Brooke, Craig T. Nelson and Michael Pataki. Another 70s vampire revision by Kelljan is SCREAM, BLACULA, SCREAM.

RETURN OF DAIMAJIN (daimajin ikaru; return of giant majin) (1966 JPN) D: ISSEI MORI W: TETSUO YOSHIDA P: MASAICHI NAGATA An oppressive shogun forces men to work on his new house. Some young boys journey through the mountains to help their fathers and the vengeful mountain God Daimajin is awakened in another quality monster movie. Majin’s sword comes out of its holster this time. With Kojiro Hongo, Shiho Fujimura, Asao Uchida, Takashi Kanda, Sei Hiraizumi, Kazunari Doi, Yusaku Terashima, Shousaku Sugiyama and Kimiko Tachibana. WRATH OF DAIMAJIN followed.

THE RETURN OF DR. MABUSE (phantom fiend; im stahlnetz des dr. mabuse; le retour du docteur mabuse; FBI contro dottor mabuse) (1961 W.GER FRA ITL) D: HARALD REINL W: MARC BEHM/LADISLAS FODOR P: ARTHUR BRAUNER Among his many contributions to the advancement of cinema, the great, Fritz Lang gave us DR. MABUSE, THE GAMBLER in 1922, a silent classic about an omnipresent über-villain. In 1933 came the talkie sequel THE TESTAMENT OF DR. MABUSE. He helped to kick-start the fun 60s German pulp cinema scene with THE 1,000 EYES OF DR. MABUSE (1960). This is the pretty cool b/w sort-of sequel. Characters who connect the “Chicago syndicate” to local crime are killed in outrageous ways (flame-thrower drive-bys etc.). Inspector Gert Fröbe, mysterious American Joe Como (Lex Barker) and a female photojournalist are on the trail of the presumed dead crime kingpin Dr. Mabuse (Wolfgang Freiss). Hypnotised zombie-like prisoners are henchmen. With Fausto Tozzi, Werner Peters, Rudolf Forster and Herbert Weissbach. A popular series continued with THE INVISIBLE DR. MABUSE and THE TERROR OF DR. MABUSE (both 1962), DR. MABUSE VS. SCOTLAND YARD (1963) and THE SECRET OF DR. MABUSE (1964).

THE RETURN OF DR. X (1939 US) D: VINCENT SHERMAN W: LEE KATZ P: BRYAN FOY Reporter Wayne Morris becomes a laughing stock after calling the police out to see the dead body of a society dame who turns out to be alive (but not so well). She’s under the care of John Litel, a scientist researching blood groups (which are numbered 1 to 4, rather than the later alphabetical categories). His assistant turns out to be a creepy Humphrey Bogart (!), who has a shock of white hair down the middle, and a craving for blood. He turns out to be a resurrected executed convict and former murdering doctor. It is weird and notable to see Bogie in this kind of role, looking like a skunk imitating Peter Lorre (he very publically hated the role), but otherwise this is a very average 62 mins b/w programmer. Based on a William J. Makin story. With Huntz Hall (who’s quite funny), Rosemary Lane, Dennis Morgan, William Hopper, Creighton Hale, Jack Mower, Paul Panzer, Ian Wolfe, Eddie Graham, Jack Harron, Frank Mayo, John “Skins” Miller, John Ridgely, Nat Carr, Mike Ladly, Charles C. Wilson, Vera Lewis, Howard C. Hickman, Olin Howland, Arthur Aylesworth, Cliff Saum and Joseph Crehan. It wasn’t a sequel to anything. Bogart soon became famous in the films of Raoul Walsh (THEY DRIVE BY NIGHT, HIGH SIERRA in 1941), and of course, THE MALTESE FALCON.

THE RETURN OF DRACULA (the curse of dracula; the fantastic disappearing man) (1957 US) D: PAUL LANDRES W: PAT FIELDER P: ARTHUR GARDNER/JULES LEVY Nothing much happens in this low-key low-budget vampire movie. But it’s enjoyable and effective. Francis Lederer is the count who must escape Transylvania and lodges with a suburban Californian family while killing their neighbours! The final staking scene in this b/w movie is tinted red. With Greta Granstedt, William Fawcett, Harry Harvey and Charles Tannen. It’s kind of a remake of Hitchcock’s SHADOW OF A DOUBT.

RETURN OF GIANT MAJIN See: RETURN OF DAIMAJIN

THE RETURN OF GODZILLA (1955) See: GODZILLA COUNTERATTACKS

THE RETURN OF GODZILLA See: GODZILLA 1985

THE RETURN OF MASSEUR ICHI See: THE TALE OF ZATOICHI CONTINUES

THE RETURN OF SUPERFLY (superfly) (1990 US) D/P: SIG SHORE W/P: ANTHONY WISDOM Shore had produced the 70s hits SUPERFLY and SUPERFLY T.N.T. and tried to bring the priest character (this time played by Nathan Purdee) back for an update. Bad idea. Having been away in France, Purdee returns to his old haunts in NYC. He has to dodge cops that want him to rat out his old gang and up‘n’coming crack dealers who want him dead. A soon-to-be-famous Samuel L. Jackson has a part as a drug chief. The most irritating thing about it is Curtis Mayfield’s ill-advised reworking of his classic original soundtrack, with Ice T helping to ruin it (the untalented Lenny Kravitz also had a hand in it). God himself was pissed off enough to send that lightning bolt that paralysed Curtis soon after. With Tone Loc.

THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING (1989 US) D: JIM WYNORSKI W: DEREK SPENCER/GRANT MORRIS P: BEN MELNIKER/MICHAEL E. USLAN Throwaway sequel to Wes Craven’s SWAMP THING has Dick Durock (also in the subsequent tv series) as the superhero creature. Louis Jordan returns as his arch-enemy who’s creating some (pretty cool) weird-looking mutants (including an ANTHROPOPHAGUS lookalike). Heather Locklear is the heroine. With Sarah Douglas and Monique Gabrielle. Could be kind of watchable if in a less discriminating mood. This was followed by a lame 1990–93 Swamp Thing tv series.

RETURN OF THE ALIENS: THE DEADLY SPAWN (eating machine) (1982 US) D/W: DOUG McKEOWN W: TIM SULLIVAN/JOHN DODS W/P: TED A. BOHUS A meteor which falls to Earth brings with it slug-like alien monsters with sharp teeth (imagine a cross between the SHIVERS parasites and ALIEN). They breed in the basement of a suburban house and grow into huge carnivorous beasts. This fun, low-budget 16mm horror movie has developed a deserved cult following over the years and a sequel (METAMORPHOSIS) appeared years, later (and the monster, a great FX creation by Dods, appeared in other movies). The ending is great.

RETURN OF THE ASSASSIN See: ASSASSIN (1973)

RETURN OF THE BLIND DEAD (return of the evil dead; mark of the devil 5; el ataque de los muertos sin ojos) (1973 SPN) D/W: AMANDO DE OSSORIO P: RAMON PLANA Weak first sequel to TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD has the Templars returning during a town’s festivities. It boils down to a bunch of boring characters trapped in a church, surrounded NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD-style. It opens with a prologue showing the Templars being blinded in the 13th century. With Fernando Sancho, Frank Brana and Luis Barboo. Followed by HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES.

RETURN OF THE CHINESE BOXER (san kuen daai chin faai cheong sau; shen quan da zhan kuai qiang shou) (1975 HK) D/P: JIMMY WANG YU W: KO LUNG This unrelated sequel is a typical example of Wang Yu’s more racist than average Japanesebashing kung fu movies. But if you can get past that it’s pretty good, with some great fighting (choreographed by Hsieh Hsing, who also appears). There’s zombie fighters, dynamite, a tournament consisting of unusual fighting styles, judo vs Thai boxing, a great finale which uses moveable mannequin replicas of Wang Yu, and someone is killed with a sharp vegetable (!). All this slightly offbeat stuff makes it more akin to a ONE ARMED BOXER entry. With Lung Fei, Kam Kong, Sit Hon, Chui Chung Hei, Blacky Ko, Phillip Ko Fei, Jack Long, Lee Keung, Ma Kei, Man Man and Au Lap Bo.

RETURN OF THE DEADLY BLADE (shaolin fighters vs ninja; rei da you jian fei dao) (1981 HK) D: TAYLOR WONG W: CHIN YU/KU LUNG P: DAVID CHIANG The legendary deadly blade goes into hiding after defeating a guy who fights with a couple of big iron rings. Years later, the ring fighter’s son claims to be the deadly blade to lure the real one (Norman Chu in a big wheelchair). Yasuaki Kurata is “the lonely winner”, an unbeaten swordsman who also wants to fight the deadly blade. But he has hired assassins on his trail. Almost classic kung fu adventure is ruined by a rushed look and a real anticlimactic letdown of an ending. Genre fans will want to catch the great fight choreography by Ching Siu Tung, though (he directed his own swordplay classic DUEL TO THE DEATH the following year). With Flora Cheung as the moon goddess, Sharon Yeung, Hwang Jang Lee, Lo Lieh, Bruce Liang, Lam Kau, Mars, Yeung Chak Lam and Wong Ching as the underground-dwelling god of fire who hurls fireballs. Based on Ko Lung’s novel.

RETURN OF THE DRAGON See: THE WAY OF THE DRAGON

THE RETURN OF THE EIGHTEEN BRONZEMEN (eighteen bronzemen 2; yung jing daai poh sap baat tung yan; yong zheng da po shi ba tong ren) (1976 HK) D: JOSEPH KUO Crooked new Emperor Carter Wong enters the Shaolin temple for the wrong reasons and attempts to pass the gruelling Shaolin chamber tests. Like its predecessor, this is great when inside the chamber (with those clunky bronze robots), but slows down outside. The irritating nonending doesn’t help matters, but kung fu fans will want to see it anyway. With Polly Shang Kuan, Tin Peng, Yuen Sam, Wong Fei Lung, Lau Lap Cho, O Yau Man, Chiu Ting, Shau Luo Hi, Chen Chu, Ng Ho and Cho Kin. Chan Siu Pang and Cliff Lok were the choreographers.

RETURN OF THE EVIL DEAD See: RETURN OF THE BLIND DEAD

RETURN OF THE EXORCIST See: CRIES AND SHADOWS

RETURN OF THE FIVE DEADLY VENOMS See: THE CRIPPLED AVENGERS

RETURN OF THE FLY (1959 US) D/W: ED BERNDS P: BERNARD GLASER Surprisingly good b/w sequel to THE FLY has Brett Halsey as the son of the scientist in the first movie, again working with matter transportation. He also turns into a fly-head monster (Ed Wolff) and Vincent Price returns as the same character. No fly with human head this time, though. Despite all the similarities, this works as a neat, fastpaced little item in its own right. Based on a novel by George Langelaan. With John Sutton, Dan Seymour and Michael Mark. The unrelated CURSE OF THE FLY (1965) followed.

RETURN OF THE GIANT MAJIN See: RETURN OF DAIMAJIN

THE RETURN OF THE GIANT MONSTERS See: GAMERA VS. GAOS

RETURN OF THE KILLER TOMATOES: THE SEQUEL (1988 US) D/W: JOHN DeBELLO W: STEPHEN F. ANDRICH/CONSTANTINE DILLON W/P: J. STEPHEN PEACE P: LOWELL D. BLANK The first late sequel to ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES stars John Astin as the evil Prof. Gangrene, turning people into tomatoes, and George Clooney as one of the heroes. I guess if you thought the original was hilarious you might enjoy. With Teri Weigel and DeBello. Another two sequels (beginning with KILLER TOMATOES STRIKE BACK) and an animated tv series (that was no good, but better than any of the movies) followed.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (1975) See: MESSIAH OF EVIL

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985 US) D/W: DAN O’BANNON W: JOHN RUSSO/RUDY RICCI/RUSSELL STEINER P: TOM FOX It’s no classic but this is a fun horror comedy by the guy who’s most famous for writing ALIEN (and Russo wrote NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD). Toxic rain causes zombies to rise in Kentucky. They stumble around saying, “brains” and kill very 80s punk teens who decide to party in a graveyard. There’s not much to it really, it just has a pretty cool, infectious attitude and the soundtrack (including The Cramps’ Surfin’ Dead and T.S.O.L.) is perfect. James Karen features in the great opening sequence in a medical supplies warehouse. Linnea Quigley is the nude zombie, Trash. With Clu Gulager, Jewel Shepard, Don Calfa, Miguel A. Nunez Jr. and O’Bannon.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD PART 2 (1987 US) D/W: KEN WIEDERHORN P: TOM FOX/EUGENE C. CASHMAN/WILLIAM S. GILMORE Toxic waste drums cause zombies to rise in this not-too-good sequel. The only good part is the cameo from Michael Jackson’s THRILLER zombie. Karen returns, and Forrest J. Ackerman and Mitch Pileggi have parts. Widerhorn’s other zombie favourite is SHOCK WAVES. A third RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD was more of an unofficial follow-on from the original RE-ANIMATOR.

RETURN OF THE LUCKY STARS (lucky stars triad society; lucky stars triad syndicate; fook sing chong kong woo; fu xing chuang jiang hu) (1988 HK) D/W: STANLEY FUNG W: WONG JING P: WALLACE CHEUNG/GWOK CHUNG Fifth in the LUCKY STARS series (that began with WINNERS AND SINNERS) and the formula is getting pretty tiresome. The lecherous lads end up in prison to help the police finger a gangster, and, of course, they try to see some girls naked. The action is only ho-hum. With Richard Ng, Eric Tsang, Stanley Fung, Miu Kiu Wai, Carina Lau, Wong Ching, Walter Tso Tat-Wah, Kenneth Tsang, Fung Ging Man, Lee Ka Ting, Kent Cheung, Wong Jing, Nat Chan Pak Cheung, Hiu Siu-Hung, Shing Fui-On, Ho Pak Kwong, Yue Tau Wan and Frankie Ng. GHOST PUNTING was next.

RETURN OF THE ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN (duk bei diy wang; du bei dao wang) (1968 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH P: RUNME SHAW Wang Yu returns as the one-armed “king of swordsmen”, trying to settle down with his wife as a farmer. But the despicable black and white knights force him to enter a swordplay tournament. Unlike the original ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN, this powerful, bloody drama of violence has aged well. Minor quibbles concerning see-through wirework and day-for-night shots are easily forgotten when watching a true martial arts classic such as this. With Ti Lung, Tien Fong, Liu Chia Lang, Lau Kar Wing, Chiao Chiao, Yuen Cheung Yan, Tang Chia, Ku Feng, Wu Ma, Wong Chung, Cliff Lok, Chan Sing and Wong Ching Ho (many of these can only be spotted as swordsmen extras). From a director, actor (and fight choreographers Tang Chia and Li Chia Liang) who pioneered changes in the genre for at least another decade.

RETURN OF THE SCORPION See: SHADOW OF THE TIGER

RETURN OF THE 7 NINJA KIDS See: FISTS OF DRAGONS

RETURN OF THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN AND THE BIONIC WOMAN (1987 US) D: RAY AUSTIN W: MICHAEL SLOAN/BRUCE LANSBURY P: BERNADETTE JOYCE A very out-of-shape Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner return in this illadvised reunion tv movie that tried for a tv series. Wishful thinking! It’s based on Martin Caiden’s novel Cyborg and features lots of flashbacks to the 70s tv show. With Lee Majors II, Richard Anderson, Martin Landau and Bryan Cranston. For fans of senior citizen superheroes only. BIONIC SHOWDOWN followed. Director Austin earlier made stuff like THE VIRGIN WITCH, HOUSE OF THE LIVING DEAD and 1000 CONVICTS AND A WOMAN.

RETURN OF THE STREETFIGHTER (satsujin ken 2) (1974 JPN) D: SHIGEHIRO OZAWA W: KOJI TAKADA Sonny Chiba returns as the hired killer Terry Tsurugi in this equally good and violent sequel to THE STREETFIGHTER. The most memorable cartoonish moment is when a guy’s eyeballs pop out of his head. With Shingo Yamashiro and lots of karate and weapons demonstrations. THE STREETFIGHTER’S LAST REVENGE followed.

RETURN OF THE TERMINATOR See: HANDS OF STEEL

RETURN OF THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (texas chainsaw massacre 4; texas chainsaw massacre: the next generation) (1994 US) D/W/P: KIM HENKEL P: ROBERT KUHN The fourth Texas Chainsaw movie decides to ignore the other sequels and concentrate on the cannibal family’s return to active duty in ‘94. Kind of a remake (including a meat hook scene) of the original classic (which Henkel had co-written), but with pointless new subplots and situations. Like most 90s movie-teens, the characters here are very annoying. Renée Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey star, and Robert Jacks is a bad Leatherface. Only Marilyn Burns returns from the original in an uncredited bit-part, and that very good industrial/noise music from the original is used at completely inappropriate moments.

THE RETURN OF THE VAMPIRE (1943 US) D: LEW LANDERS/KURT NEUMANN (uncredited) W: GRIFFITH JAY P: SAM WHITE Bela Lugosi is a vampire in London revived from his tomb by a WWII bomb. Matt Willis is his suit-wearing werewolf assistant in this ok but easily forgettable quickie chiller. With Frieda Inescort, Nina Foch, Miles Mander, Roland Varno, William Austin, Billy Bevan, Leslie Denison, Gilbert Emery, Olaf Hyteen, Nelson Leigh, George McKay and Ottola Nesmith. It may not be remembered but this at least shifts along better than the classic, creaky DRACULA. Landers had previously directed Lugosi in the more famous THE RAVEN under his real name, Louis Friedlander.

THE RETURN OF ZATOICHI See: ZATOICHI (1989)

RETURN TO HORROR HIGH (1987 US) D/W: BILL FROELICH W/P: MARK LISSON W: DANA ESCALANTE/GREG H. SIMS Some filmmakers are making a horror movie based on real-life killings at the actual school where they happened. The killer was never apprehended, and someone seems to be slaying again. A young cop is drafted as the main actor (after George Clooney walks off the set) in this absolutely terrible alleged spoof that has to rank as one of the unfunniest films I’ve ever had the displeasure to sit through. Alex Rocco is the sleazy producer, with Andy Romano, Maureen McCormick and Vince Edwards.

RETURN TO MONTCLAIR HIGH See: THE CHEERLEADERS

RETURN TO OZ (1985 US UK) D/W: WALTER MURCH W: GILL DENNIS P: PAUL MASLANSKY Dorothy (Fairuza Balk) returns to Oz (after escaping electroshock therapy in the real world) to find it’s been destroyed by a tyrannical power. The Lion, Tin Man and Scarecrow return and there’s also a pumpkin head, robot and other new creations. It looks much cheaper than the original WIZARD OF OZ, but it’s a good kids’ movie, I think (largely based on the second book in the L. Frank Baum series, 1904’s The Marvelous Land Of Oz). With Piper Laurie, Matt Clark, Brian Henson, Stephen Norrington and Philip Tan as a wheeler.

A RETURN TO SALEM’S LOT (1987 US) D/W: LARRY COHEN W: JAMES DIXON P: PAUL KURTA Mondo filmmaking anthropologist Michael Moriarty takes his estranged son to the small-town of ’Salem’s Lot in Maine to renovate a house left to him by his late Aunt Clara. But Clara (June Havoc) is still alive and one of the ageless vampires that live there. They breed cows for blood (only occasionally celebrating with tainted human blood) and keep drone workers in the shops during the day. Samuel Fuller is Van Meer. It’s a typical rushed mess of a Cohen movie with nice ideas and scenes, but is infuriatingly disjointed. With Andrew Duggan, Dixon, Evelyn Keyes and a young Tara Reid (later in AMERICAN PIE). Cohen (who made IT’S ALIVE 3 with Moriarty and DEADLY ILLUSION the same year) was also an executive producer. Insufferable independent filmmaker J. Christian Ingvordsen was a key grip.

RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH: L.E.T.H.A.L. LADIES (lethal angels) (1998 US) D/W: ANDY SIDARIS P: ARLENE SIDARIS The Sidaris’ found no need to alter their formula for this follow up to SAVAGE BEACH, so it’s more tits, muscles, explosions, guns and corny comedy in beautiful Hawaiian locations. With Julie Strain, Julie K. Smith, Shae Marks, Marcus Bagwell, Carrie Westcott, Kevin Eastman, Gerald Okamura, Ava Cadell, Carolyn Liu and Christian Drew Sidaris. There’s a Bassey/Bond-style theme tune.

THE REVENGE See: THE EXPERT

REVENGE FROM PLANET APE See: TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD

REVENGE OF A GUNFIGHTER See: THE MERCENARY (1968)

REVENGE OF DR. X (the venus fly trap; devil garden; the double garden; akuma no niwa) (1967 JPN US) D: KENNETH G. CRANE W: EDWARD D. WOOD JR. After some NASA stock footage opens this film, star James Craig decides to take a break in Japan. His car breaks down en route to the airport, so he goes wandering in a swamp while a mechanic/snakehandler fixes it. He uproots a Venus flytrap and takes it with him to Tokyo (his only luggage, it seems). He stays at a remote old hotel with his Japanese female assistant and a hunchback servant who plays the organ. Nearby is an active volcano! Craig is alternately mean or grateful as he goes about his experiments with the plant. Topless female divers retrieve an underwater plant for Craig, who cross-breeds it with the flytrap. After lightning hits it, it becomes a huge man-in-a-monster-suit plant monster with flytrap hands and feet that eventually escapes and kills people at a nearby village. Locals chase it with flaming torches (!) until it and Craig fall into the volcano (Crane’s other co-production THE MANSTER had the same ending). Considering it’s got a script from Ed Wood, surprisingly few know of this worthwhile oddity.

THE REVENGE OF DRACULA (1967/71) See: DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN

THE REVENGE OF FRANKENSTEIN (i, frankenstein) (1958 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: JIMMY SANGSTER/GEORGE BAXT (uncredited) P: ANTHONY HINDS This superior sequel to the breakthrough CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN has Frankenstein (Peter Cushing) escaping the guillotine and relocating to a German hospital where he has all the bits and pieces necessary to continue his research. Much more subtle, creepy and disturbing (if not exactly scary) than its predecessor, it shows what a craftsman Fisher could be (combined with the screenplay, the lighting, cinematography, music and set design) and how shocking Hammer was at the time (even cannibalism is hinted at here). A good example of prime Hammer (without much action, though). With John Welsh, Lionel Jeffries, Charles Lloyd-Pack, John Stuart, George Woodbridge and Michael Ripper. THE EVIL OF FRANKENSTEIN followed.

REVENGE OF JOHNNY FIRECLOUD See: JOHNNY FIRECLOUD

REVENGE OF MECHAGODZILLA See: TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA

REVENGE OF THE BLOOD BEAST See: THE SHE BEAST

REVENGE OF THE BOOGEYMAN See: BOOGEYMAN 2

REVENGE OF THE CHEERLEADERS (h.o.t.s. 2) (1976 US) D/P: RICHARD LERNER W: TED GREENWALD/ ACE BANDAGE W/P: NATHANIEL DORSKY THE CHEERLEADERS remains top in the 70s drive-in cheerleader subgenre, but this is worth a look, too. Mostly a plotless mix of nudity, comedy and bizarre musical dance numbers, but the cheerleaders do have to fight back against a puritanical new principal at the end. They are two blondes, a brunette and a very cute Asian. One is Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith. With Carl Ballantine, David Hasselhoff naked in his feature debut as Boner, and drug spaghetti.

REVENGE OF THE CREATURE (1955 US) D: JACK ARNOLD W: MARTIN BERKELEY W/P: WILLIAM ALLAND Highly inferior 3D follow up to THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON has the Gill-man (Ricou Browning in a monster suit) captured and put on display in a tank at a theme park in Florida. Of course it escapes to wreak havoc in underwhelming mass panic scenes. Lori Nelson is the female in danger, rescued by star John Agar. Look for Clint Eastwood (also in Arnold’s TARANTULA the same year) making his debut as a lab assistant. With Nestor Paiva, Grandon Rhodes, Dave Willock, Robert Williams, Charles Cane, Jack Gargan, Brett Halsey, Don C. Harvey. Robert F. Hoy and Charles Victor. THE CREATURE WALKS AMONG US (1956) was better.

REVENGE OF THE DEAD (1958) See: NIGHT OF THE GHOULS

REVENGE OF THE DEAD (1977) See: HOLLYWOOD MEAT CLEAVER MASSACRE

REVENGE OF THE DRAGON (1979) See: FEARLESS HYENA

REVENGE OF THE DRAGON (1981) See: SHAOLIN CHASTITY KUNG FU

REVENGE OF THE FIRST WIVES (1997 US) D/W: DOUG DEMARCO P: DAVE STERLING A trio of dead undercover cops’ wives pose as a drug-dealer, a prostitute and a sex slave to dig up dirt on a gang lord. You can’t really criticise this “micro-budget video feature” too much because at least they managed to make this on an obviously low budget. But I doubt you’d want to sit through it.

THE REVENGE OF THE GLADIATORS (la vendetta dei gladiatori) (1964 ITL) D/W: LUIGI CAPUANO W: ARPAD DERISO/ROBERTO GIANVITI Jayne Mans-field widow and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s hero Mickey Hargitay (from THE BLOODY PIT OF HORROR) stars in this unexceptional sword and sandal adventure that was released to American tv by AIP. With Renato Baldini, Nerio Bernardi, Andrea Checchi, Giovanni Cianfriglia, Livio Lorenzon, Dante Maggio and Amedeo Trilli.

REVENGE OF THE INNOCENTS See: SOUTH BRONX HEROES

REVENGE OF THE LIVING DEAD See: CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS

REVENGE OF THE LIVING ZOMBIES See: ZOMBIE NOSH

REVENGE OF THE NERDS (1984 US) D: JEFF KANEW W: STEVE ZACHARIAS/MIGUEL TEJADAFLORES/ JEFF BUHAI/TIM METCALFE P: TED FIELD/ PETER SAMUELSON Even if you saw enough teen frat comedies that you were sick during the 80s, you should check this one out. Robert Carradine and Anthony Edwards are the new nerds on campus who start their own frat house with other outsiders when they’re cast out by the jocks and the co-eds. Curtis Armstrong is memorable as Booger (“we have muff”), a role he would play many more times in his career. The battle of the bands finale really makes you feel triumphant. It deserved to be a hit. With Timothy Busfield, Michelle Meyrink, Courtney Thorne-Smith, Matt Salinger, Ted McGinley, Bernie Casey, John Goodman, James Cromwell and Marianne Muellerleile.

REVENGE OF THE NERDS 2: NERDS IN PARADISE (1987 US) D: JOE ROTH W: DAN GUNTZELMAN/ STEVE MARSHALL P: PETER GART/ROBERT W. CORT/TED FIELD Much inferior sequel has the nerds (led by Robert Carradine) fighting for the right to take part in a frat conference in Fort Lauderdale. James Hong teaches Curtis Armstrong how to be a real slob. With Ed Lauter, Anthony Edwards, Timothy Busfield, Bradley Whitford, James Cromwell and (not very good) music from Devo. Director Roth was also the executive producer.

REVENGE OF THE NERDS 3: THE NEXT GENERATION (1992 US) D: ROLAND MESA W/P: STEVE ZACHARIAS W: JEFF BUSHAI P: ROBERT ENGELMAN Silly, unfunny sequel made for tv. Robert Carradine is now a grown-up yuppie whose nerd nephew and his friends must continue the fight against nerdist discrimination. Curtis Armstrong returns as Booger (now a lawyer). Nerds go on strike. With Morton Downey Jr., Chi McBride, Bernie Casey, James Cromwell, Sean Whalen and Clancy Brown. A part 4 also followed.

REVENGE OF THE NINJA (ninja 2) (1983 US) D: SAM FIRSTENBERG W: JAMES R. SILKE P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS Sho Kosugi is a good Japanese ninja who relocates from his home country to America to escape an ancient clan feud for the sake of his son (little Kane Kosugi, who does some martial arts). He opens an art gallery with traditional Japanese dolls, which are used by gangsters to smuggle heroin. This generic action flick is in fact part of a popular Cannon quartet loosely linked by Kosugi. It’s easily the least interesting. The others were ENTER THE NINJA, NINJA III: THE DOMINATION (the highlight of the series) and NINE DEATHS OF THE NINJA. It was remade almost exactly as the equally lousy PRAY FOR DEATH. With Prof. Toru Tanaka and Arthur Roberts.

REVENGE OF THE RATS (ratten: sie werden dich kriegen!) (2001 GER CZE) D: JORG LUHDORFF W: ALEXANDER M. RUMELIN P: CHRISTIAN BECKER A city (supposedly Frankfurt, but shot in Prague) suffers from “the hottest summer in 150 years” and a garbage strike. These rank conditions result in hostile swarms of rats carrying a rare strain of meningitis to take over the city. I’m a sucker for nature attacks movies regardless of the quality, but this overlong tv movie is just a bore. With Ralph Herforth, Anne Cathrin Buhtz, Christian Kahrmann, Karin Neuhäuser, Christoph Hagen Ditmann, Janek Ricke and Karel Dorby. A comic relief veteran talks about Bosnia, and there are references to the tv show The Professionals. There was a sequel (in 2004), and a French remake, ALERTE A PARIS (2006).

THE REVENGE OF THE RESURRECTED (the artist is a gunfighter; prey of vultures; un dolar de recompense; la preda el’avvoltoio; la presay la buitre) (1973 ITL SPN FRA) D/W: RAFAEL ROMERO MARCHENT W: JOSE LUIS NAVARRO/FERNANDO POPOLI Peter Lee Lawrence arrives in a small town looking for work. A corrupt gang of murdering stagecoach robbers don’t realise that he survived one of their attacks and is out to avenge the death of his father. With Raf Baldassarre, Frank Brana, Alfredo Maya, Dada Gallotti, Luis Induni, Rufino Ingles, Lorenzo Robledo and Maria Vico. This obscure western isn’t worth rediscovering, with little to recommend it.

REVENGE OF THE SCREAMING DEAD See: MESSIAH OF EVIL

THE REVENGE OF THE SOUTH SEAS QUEEN See: NASTY HUNTER

REVENGE OF THE STOLEN STARS (1985 US) D/W/P: ULLI LOMMEL W: BEN A. HEIN P: ROGER DEUTSCH A young man in San Francisco (“everyone’s favourite city”) travels to a South-East Asian jungle island after he inherits his dead uncle’s plantation and ruby mine. The uncle (Klaus Kinski) appears as a ghost. The story revolves around a cursed ruby. Suzanne Love (associate producer) dresses as a male cowboy and is turned into a rabbit by a mystic in her last Lommel film before she divorced him (she did return in his A SMILE IN THE DARK (1991) though). Like other quickies from the former Fassbinder protégé, this pathetic obscurity is obviously tongue-in-cheek (note narration by a cackling fat man), but that doesn’t make it ok. The director also acts. It was filmed in the Philippines, Thailand, Mexico and America.

REVENGE OF THE VAMPIRE See: THE MASK OF SATAN

REVENGE OF THE ZOMBIES (the corpse vanished) (1943 US) D: STEVE SEKELY W: EDMOND KELSO/ VAN NORCROSS P: LINDSLEY PARSONS Mauritz Hugo and his detective (and secret agent) friend Robert Lowery (the hero) arrive at the remote home of Prof. Von Otterman (John Carradine), to investigate the mysterious death of his wife (Hugo’s sister). They’re right to be suspicious, as Carradine is a Nazi, working on the creation of a zombie army to win the war; his wife (Veda Ann Borg) was a test subject. Head zombie Lazarus (James Buskett, the voice of Uncle Remus in Disney’s 1946 picture SONG OF THE SOUTH) looks like an undead Don King! Hugo’s servant Mantan Moreland provides a few laughs, but overall, this creaky 59 mins b/w Monogram programmer is only for students of vintage exploitation. Pretty much a rerun of KING OF THE ZOMBIES, and in fact Madame Sul-te-Wan has exactly the same cook/ voodoo priestess role. Western star Bob Steele has an unusual role as Carradine’s German sidekick, but can’t resist donning an in-joke ten-gallon hat to impersonate the sheriff. Gale Storm is Carradine’s pretty secretary, with Franklyn Farnum as a zombie.

REVENGE OF THE ZOMBIES (1976) See: BLACK MAGIC 2

REVERSE See: RETROACTIVE

THE REVOLT OF THE SEVEN See: THE SPARTAN GLADIATORS

REVOLT OF THE ZOMBIES (1936 US) D/W: VICTOR HALPERIN W: HOWARD HIGGIN/ROLLO LLOYD (uncredited) P: EDWARD HALPERIN In a remarkable opening scene, unstoppable Oriental zombie soldiers attack a German platoon on the Franco-Austrian border during WWI. Unfortunately after that it’s mostly downhill, concerning a postwar expedition to Cambodia’s Angkor Wat (rear-projection footage throughout) to find the secret of the zombies. Dean Jagger stars as a lovesick master of languages who discovers the secret and uses it for selfish means. In the end the living dead turn on him (hence the title). Interesting ideas, but poor, threadbare execution. Bela Lugosi’s eyes (from the Halperin’s classic, WHITE ZOMBIE) are seen every time they want to convey something supernatural is going on. With Roy D’Arcy as a villainous Russian, George Cleveland, E. Alyn Warren, Carl Stockdale, Adolph Milar, Selmer Jackson and Hans Schum. 62 mins, in b/w.

REVOLVER (blood in the streets; in the name of love; die perfekte erpressung; la poursuite implacable) (1972 ITL FRA W.GER) D/W: SERGIO SOLLIMA W: ARDIONO MAIURI/MASSIMO DE RITA Prison governor Oliver Reed’s young wife (Agostina Belli) is kidnapped, so he’s blackmailed into helping a convict in his jail (Fabio Testi) escape. Both find themselves pawns in a political game with many casualties. Typical example of a cynical Italian crime movie of the era (post-DIRTY HARRY), that are mostly dull to watch, despite a recent cult revival. This one’s ok, but talky and overlong. Reed is very good, but the English dub doesn’t use his distinctive voice. With Paola Pitagora, Reinhard Kolldehoff, Bernard Giraudeau, Peter Berling, Sal Borgese, Carla Mancini and Jean Degrave. I was led to believe that this was a remake of Sollima’s western THE BIG GUNDOWN, but this is not really the case (though there are similarities).

REVOLVER (2005 UK FRA) D/W: GUY RITCHIE P: VIRGINIE SILLA Say what you like about mockney celebrity Ritchie, but as a slick director of undemanding comedic crime flicks (LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS, SNATCH) he usually delivers the goods. And for the first half of this tale of recently released convict Jason Statham having to payroll loan sharks Abdre 3000 and Vincent Pastore after they inform him that only they can avert his inevitable death from a blood disease, this is a cool, intriguing and entertaining crime-poser film which does suck you in. But Ritchie has more ambitions than a simple bullet-and-yucks-fest this time, yet sadly neither the talent nor insight to deliver it. What we’re left with is a woeful existential-wannabe meditation on man’s greed (symbolised by Ray Liotta, who gives his all in some great scenes for him) that confuses most viewers not because it’s too deep for them, but because the audience already “gets it” way before the final reel, and assume that the remaining running time is supposed to enlighten us further (it doesn’t). There are no end credits, resulting in several cinema-goers resenting the condescending film even more for making them sit in the dark, not sure if they should leave or not. With Mark Strong (not Stanley Tucci!) and Mem Ferda, and CG animation scenes. Luc Besson was a co-producer. Some critics suspected religious Kabbalah-tinged influence from Ritchie’s then-wife Madonna. ROCKnROLLA (2008) was more of the less pretentious Ritchie formula, but somewhat strained, and then he bounced back with the surprisingly good SHERLOCK HOLMES (2009) and SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS (2011).

THE REVOLVER (1982) See: ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO

THE REVOLVER (1999) See: BITTERSWEET

RHYTHM THIEF (1994 US) D/W: MATTHEW HARRISON W: CHRISTOPHER GRIMM P: JONATHAN STARCH Impressive no-budget b/w street-level mood piece revolves around an NYC bootlegger who sells cassettes of live gigs he’s recorded on the streets. With Kevin Corrigan. Harrison’s been making films since the mid-80s.

RICCO See: THE CAULDRON OF DEATH

RICOCHET (1991 US) D: RUSSELL MULCAHY W: STEVEN E. deSOUZA/FRED DEKKER/MENNO MEYJES P: MICHAEL LEVY/JOEL SILVER This very good, violent action thriller is probably the best from Mulcahy. Denzel Washington is the heroic cop who becomes Assistant District Attorney after vigilantly catching master criminal/killer John Lithgow (who’s very good at acting OTT here). Lithgow breaks out of jail and ruins Washington’s life by convincing the public (using staged videotapes) that he’s an unfaithful drug addict who hangs around with a paedophile. The ending takes place on the LA Tower. With Ice T, Kevin Pollack, Lindsay Wagner, John Amos, Jesse Ventura, Sara Suzanne Brown, Miguel Sandoval, Tim De Zarn and the voice of Ernie “Ghoulardi” Anderson.

RIDE A WILD STUD See: A WILD RIDE

RIDE HIM, COWBOY (the hawk) (1932 US) D: FRED ALLEN W: SCOTT MASON/KENNETH PERKINS P: LEON SCHLESINGER John Wayne rides into town and saves Duke the horse from execution. Then he helps catch the mysterious Hawk and his bandits. Frank Hagney is obviously the villain from the beginning, but this hour-long b/w oater is ok for its type of interchangeable programmer. There’s a good shooting competition scene (nice editing, director Allen’s forte), courtroom drama and comic relief from Harry Gribbon. The cast is made up of typically hard-working horse opera veterans with endless filmographies: Henry B. Walthall, Otis Harlan, Chuck Baldra, Bob Burns, Fred Burns, Edmund Cobb, Ben Corbett, Jim Corey, Frank Ellis, Glenn Strange, Charles Sellon, Bud Osborne, Lafe McKee, Bud McClure, Murdock MacQuarrie, Jack Kirk and Slim Whitaker.

RIDE IN THE WHIRLWIND (1965 US) D/P: MONTE HELLMAN W: JACK NICHOLSON P: ROGER CORMAN (uncredited) Cameron Mitchell and Nicholson are the survivors of a band of outlaws trying to outrun a posse in this unusual, restrained but solid western. Nicholson’s dialogue is particularly good. With Millie Perkins, Harry Dean Stanton and Gary Kent (who also did some stunts). Shot back to back with THE SHOOTING. Hellman also edited. Not released in American theatres (and then not many) until 1971.

RIDERS See: STEAL

THE RIDERS OF THE WHISTLING SKULL (the golden trail) (1937 US) D: MACK V. WRIGHT W: OLIVER DRAKE/JOHN RATHMELL/BERNARD McCONVILLE (uncredited) P: NAT LEVINE Robert Livingston, man-in-a-gorilla-suit icon Ray “Crash” Corrigan and Max Terhune (with his comic relief ventriloquist puppet Elmer) are The Three Mesquiteers in this enjoyable vintage western from Republic. They help a woman search for her archaeologist father and a lost city expedition. A “mummy” comes to life and tries to stab someone, and check out the cool (but only briefly seen) whistling skull-shaped mountain. But it’s basically a murder mystery out west. With Roger Williams, C. Montague Shaw, Yakima Canutt, Ferm Emmett, Frank Ellis, Chief Thunder Cloud, Iron Eyes Cody, Jack Kirk, Edward Peil Sr., Tom Steele, Wally West and some typically impressive (and dangerous-looking) stunts. Based on a novel by William Colt MacDonald, it’s the fourth in a series of 51 (!) Mesquiteer movies. John Wayne replaced Livingston in some later entries.

RIDE THE WILD SURF (1964 US) D: DON TAYLOR W/P: ART NAPOLEON/JO NAPOLEON Fabian, Tab Hunter and Peter Brown go to Hawaii in the winter to surf some big waves and fall in love. Not bad as beach movies go, ending with an exhausting surf contest. Shelley Fabares and black belt Barbara Eden are two of the love interests. Jan and Dean sing the theme tune.

RIDING WITH DEATH (1976 US) D: ALAN J. LEVI/ DON McDOUGALL W/P: LESLIE STEVENS P: HARVE BENNETT/ROBERT F. O’NEILL Two episodes of the short-lived GEMINI MAN tv series. Ben Murphy stars as a government agent who can become invisible at will. The title refers to the first episode involving truck transportation of an unstable fuel additive. Guest stars across both (bad) episodes are Richard Dysart, Andrew Prine, Alan Oppenheimer, Ed Nelson and Austin Stoker. The pilot for the series was also released as CODENAME: MINUS ONE.

RIFIFI (du rififi chez les hommes) (1955 FRA) D/W: JULES DASSIN W: RENÉ WHEELER/AUGUSTE LE BRETON P: RENE GASTON VUATTOUX Jean Servais is just marvellous as an ageing small-time crook (not unlike Bob in the Bretonscripted BOB THE GAMBLER the same year), who joins Carl Mohrer and Robert Manuel in a diamond heist. Dassin himself (who later made THE NAKED CITY and BRUTE FORCE (1947) in America, before being blacklisted) is the Italian safe-cracker they have to complete the quartet (performing under the pseudonym “Pedro Vita”). This poetic b/w crime classic (with cinematography from Philippe Agostino) is a real landmark, with the hypertense robbery filmed entirely in silence (no music), and with a plethora of memorable hardboiled imagery. With Janine Darcy, Robert Hossein, Magali Noel, Jacques Besnard, Teddy Bilis, Alain Bouvette, Emile Genevois, Daniel Mendaille, Marcel Rouse and Fernand Sardon. Breton’s novel was followed by more Rififi novels (and movies).

THE RIFT (endless descent: la grieta) (1989 SPN US) D/W/P: JUAN PIQUER SIMON W: DAVID COLEMAN/ MARK KLEVIN P: JOSE ESCRIVA/FRANCESCA DE LAURENT Jack Scalia stars in this rip-off of THE ABYSS from the director of SUPERSONIC MAN (1980) and SLUGS. A nuclear submarine crew search for the black box of a missing sub in an underwater cavern filled with air. Genetically mutated creatures (who you can’t see very well because it’s too dark) attack. With Lee Ermey, Ray Wise, Edmund Purdom, Deborah Adair, Ely Pouget, John Toles-Bey, Frank Brana and Garrick Hagon. Ok.

RIGHTING WRONGS (above the law) (1986 HK) D/P: CORY YUEN KWAI W: SZETO CHEUK-HON/BARRY WONG P: YUEN BIAO/CHAN POOI WA/SHUT MEI YEE Yuen Biao is a vigilante lawyer who punishes the guilty who don’t get what they deserve in court. Cynthia Rothrock (and occasional stunt double Meng Hoi) is a CID agent trying to uncover him. But when she gets killed (a big corkscrew through the neck) he avenges her death. There’s some good car chases and kung fu action, but it’s nothing special. Will pass the time adequately. With Melvin Wong, Karen Sheperd, Roy Chiao, Cory Yuen Kwai, Fan Siu Wong (RIKI-OH), Wu Ma, Chung Faat, Lau Siu Ming, Tai Bo, Chin Yuet Sang, James Tin Jun, Hsu Hsia, Paul Chang Chung, Tsang Choh Lam and Yuen Miu.

RIKI-OH (story of ricky; li kwong; li wang) (1991 HK JPN) D/W: NGAI KAI LAM P: CHAN DUNG CHOW This insanely violent actioner from the director of THE 7TH CURSE is based on a Japanese manga by Tetsuya Saruwatari and Takajo Masahiko (an animated version also exists). Despite copying some exact angles from the comic, it pretty much disposes with much of its plot development and characterisation and concentrates on the visceral, violent elements (kind of like a less graceful modern update of Chang Cheh’s movies). Fan Sui Wong is Riki-Oh, a new inmate at a privatised prison (this is what happens in 2001). He’s there for killing drug-dealers that (kind of) caused the death of his girlfriend (Gloria Yip). The evil men who run the prison (including a guy with a hook hand and glass eye) mistreat the inmates and keep them docile with cocoa leaves grown at a plantation. However, Riki doesn’t take any shit and uses his special kung fu skills (taught to him by Tetsuro Tamba in flashback) to fight back. Soon limbs are being chopped off, heads are crushed and smashed with alarming regularity and one character even commits hara-kiri in order to strangle Riki with his intestines! Yukira Oshima is one of the warden’s special fighters who are ordered to terminate Riki (who, by the way, plays a mean flute). The finale where the big boss mutates into a giant and Riki leads a prison escape, is a highly satisfying conclusion to a highly entertaining (and crazed) film. With Frankie Chan, Philip Kwok, Fan Mei Sheng, William Ho Ka-Kui and Lam Suet. See the Japanese version, as the HK print is apparently missing most of the carnage.

RING (1995 JPN) D: CHISUI TAKIGAWA Here’s an earlier made-for-tv adaption of Koji Suzuki’s novel that lacks some of the big-budget hit’s eerier set pieces but is more faithful to the novel and is an all-round better film (in a low-key way). You won’t find any mention of the hermaphrodite in the 98 version. With Tomoroh Taguchi. Another tv version may also exist.

RING (1998 JPN) D: HIDEO TANAKA W: HIROSHI TAKAHASHI P: TAKASHIGE ICHISE/SHINYA KAWAI/ TAKENORI SENTO Mega hit version of Koji Suzuki’s terrifying novel ruins some of the book’s subplots and will annoy fans of Suzuki, but was the first experience for many foreign viewers of modern Japanese horror, and some set pieces are pretty creepy. Nanako Matsushima is the reporter who gets her hands on a copy of a videotape loaded with bizarre, unsettling imagery that is rumoured to result in the death of any viewer within seven days of watching. Does anyone else think that the sequence with the well is a direct lift from THE CHANGELING? With Hiroyuki Sanada and Miki Nakatane. THE SPIRAL followed.

THE RING (2002 US JPN) D: GORE VERBINSKI W: EHREN KRUGER P: WALTER F. PARKES/LAURIE MacDONALD Naomi Watts stars as the investigative reporter trying to unravel the mystery behind the videotape that kills. This is based more on the screenplay for the 1998 movie than the original Koji Suzuki novel, so the same inferior alterations have been made (plus some new ones). The best thing that can be said is that it’s a great-looking thriller (photographed by Abel Ferrara regular, Bojan Bazelli) that may impress casual viewers who know nothing of the RING phenomenon. Some of Rick Baker’s FX work is shocking. With Lindsay Frost, Brian Cox (best death scene), David Dorfman, Jane Alexander, Amber Tamblyn and Alan Blumenfeld. It’s from the director of MOUSE HUNT and THE MEXICAN. There’s also the Korean RING VIRUS.

RING 2 (1999 JPN) D: HIDEO NAKATA W: HIROSHI TAKAHASHI P: MAKOTO ISHIHARA/TAKASHIGE ICHIWATARI This continuation of events in the 1998 hit RING is a sequel to that movie only and has little to do with Koji Suzuki’s books. It’s not very good but has some effectively scary moments. With Miki Nakatani, Hitomi Sato, Kyoko Fukada, Nanako Matsushima, Hiroyuki Sanada and Yurei Yanagi.

RING 0: BIRTHDAY (2000 JPN) D: NORIO TSURUTA W: HIROSHI TAKAHASHI P: SHINJI OGAWA/MASAO NAGAII/TAKASHIGE ICHINOSE The film version of the fourth book in Koji Suzuki’s series is set in the 1970s, when Sadako (Yukie Nakama) is part of an acting workshop in Tokyo. Well made with some spooky parts, but suffers from the usual tampering that ruins Suzuki’s originally excellent ideas. With Seiichi Tanabe, Yoji Tanaka, Kumiko Asou, Takeshi Wakamatsu and Yoshiko Tanaka.

RING OF DEATH (bastard kung fu master; lung ying moh kiu; long xing mo qiao; jeongriui yonghyeongmagyo) (1980 HK S.KOR) D/P: NG SEE YUEN D: SAWON OH/WUN-KYO PARK W: LEE MUN-WOONG P: HAN GAB-JIN Cliff Lok stars as a country boy who runs away to the city to find his father after accidentally killing a monk. He’s strong but doesn’t really know how to fight, so Shih Kien (and his wife) teach him (and provide great comic relief). He ends up fighting villainous Russian fighter Hwang Jang Lee (an amazing leg fighter showcased in the director’s THE SECRET RIVALS) on a raised platform as part of a kung fu tournament. Most entertaining. With the hilariously goofy Dean Shek, Roy Horan as the Russian Ambassador, Kwan Yung Moon, Chiang Kam, Wang Lai, Lam Kau and Lee Hoi Sang.

RING OF TERROR (1962 US) D: CLARK L. PAYLOW W: LEWIS SIMEON/JERROLD I. ZINNAMON P: ALFEO BOCCHICCHIO This low-budget b/w chiller runs just over an hour and has a pretty feeble plot. A medical student who doesn’t want anyone to think he’s “chicken” volunteers to help the teacher during an autopsy procedure lecture. His bluff is called on initiation night, and he must retrieve a ring from the finger of a corpse being held at the mausoleum. An overacting man with a skull on his desk introduces the story while looking for his pet cat in a graveyard. All the students (including one guy who looks kinda like Eddie Deezen) are way too old, there’s bad comic relief, a time-wasting swimsuit contest and The Campus Cool Cats play in the cafeteria.

RINGO, PRAY TO YOUR GOD AND DIE See: PISTOLEROS

RINGS OF FEAR (red rings of fear; trauma; virgin terror; virgin killer; nemesis; das phantom im madchen pensionat; die orgies des todes; enigma rosso) (1978 ITL W.GER) D/W: ALBERTO NEGRIN W: MARCELLO COCCIA/MASSIMO DALLAMANO/FRANCO FERRINI/STEFANO UBEZIO/PETER BERLING P: LEONARDO PESCAROLO Fabio Testi is a detective with a shoplifting girlfriend. He’s called in to investigate the murder and mutilation of several Catholic schoolgirls (there is brief gratuitous nudity). A sleazy vice ring figures as a plot device in this almost good ’n’ grubby but-not-quite giallo (which is actually quite dull). It was originally conceived as the follow up to WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SOLANGE? and WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOUR DAUGHTERS?, hence the screenwriting credit for the late Dallamano. With Jack Taylor, Ivan Desny, Christine Kaufmann and Helga Line.

THE RING VIRUS (1999 S.KOR) D/W: DONG-BIU KIM D/W/P: MAURICIO DORTONA Here’s the Korean version of Koji Suzuki’s novel. Not only does it not add anything new, but it gets all the usual stuff wrong, too (in other words, it’s not scary). At least they included the hermaphrodite angle, I suppose. Eun-Kyung Shin (star of the MY WIFE IS A GANGSTER movies) is the reporter heroine, and former model Dur Na Bae is the girl in the well.

RIO HONDO See: WHITE COMANCHE

RIO 70 See: THE GIRL FROM RIO

RIOT (rage) (1997 US) D/W: RICHARD DiLELLO/DAVID C. JOHNSON/GALEN YUEN D: ALEX MUNOZ W: JOSEPH B. VASQUEZ P: SHELLY GLASSER Surprisingly good interconnecting anthology of different stories that occur during the post-Rodney King trial riots in LA. A good cross-section of racial and class types for a change. With Mario Van Peebles, Luke Perry, Mako, Lucy Liu, Peter Dobson, Cicely Tyson and Paula Jai Parker.

RIOT IN CELL BLOCK 11 (1954 US) D: DON SIEGEL W: RICHARD COLLINS P: WALTER WAGNER Adequate B picture stars Neville Brand as the convict who leads the title hostage situation in an overcrowded, underfunded prison. Emile Meyer is the warden who wants better conditions for the prisoners just as much as Brand. Whit Bissell is one of the guards held hostage. With Paul Frees, Alvy Moore, Leo Gordon, Frank Faylen, Carleton Young, Dabbs Greer, William Schallert, William Phipps, Robert Burton, Thomas Browne Henry and Frank Hagney. Well done but dated, so don’t expect the hard edge of later Siegel flicks.

RIOT ON 42ND ST. (1987 US) D/W: TIM KINCAID P: CYNTHIA DE PAULA A gangster’s sex club tries to muscle out an old-fashioned legit theatre and it all culminates in the title scrimmage. With Jeff Fahey, Ron Van Cleef and Rick Gianasi. It’s another awful movie from the Kincaid/De Paula team. We are constantly reminded what a “shithole” 42nd Street is and get to see a marquee for a PENITENTIARY 3 and WOMEN’S PRISON MASSACRE double bill. Ed French provided FX. [Illus.]

RIOT ON SUNSET STRIP (1967 US) D: ARTHUR DREIFUSS W: ORVILLE H. HAMPTON P: SAM KATZMAN This youth-orientated AIP release must have seemed dated even when it was new. Now it’s a highly amusing source for good laughs. Teens hang out at Pandora’s Box on Sunset, and are apparently clogging the streets with their strange fashions and long hair. Uncaring Strip businessmen are pressuring cop Aldo Ray to clear this scum, but he’s on the side of youth, even after his estranged daughter (Mimsy Farmer) is slipped LSD at a party (she has a great freak-out dance scene) and gang-raped. On top of this great schlock, you get The Chocolate Watchband and The Standells performing numbers (very cool footage for fans). With Tim (son of Mickey) Rooney, John Hart, Dick Winslow and an extremely brief “riot”. Recommended.

RIPLEY’S GAME (il giocco di ripley) (2002 US UK ITL) D/W: LILIANA CAVANI W: CHARLES McKEOWN P: SIMON BOSANQUET/ILEEN MAISEL/ RICCARDO TOZZI Crooked wealthy American art dealer Tom Ripley (John Malkovich) lives in rural Italy with his concert musician girlfriend (Chiara Caselli). When a timid, dying picture frame maker (Dougray Scott) insults him, he makes sure that cockney wide boy gangster Ray Winstone hires him to assassinate a Russian in Germany. Ripley later helps him when he has to kill again, and when retribution comes calling. The same Patricia Highsmith novel had previously been filmed as Wim Wenders’ classic THE AMERICAN FRIEND. This version (inspired by the success of the Matt Damon vehicle THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY) is ok, but I don’t really see the point. With Lena Headey and Hanns Zischler.

THE RIPPER See: THE NEW YORK RIPPER

RIPPER 2: LETTER FROM WITHIN (2003 UK) D/W: JONAS QUASTEL D/P: LLOYD A. SIMANDL W: JOHN SHEPPARD/PAT BERMEL W/P: EVAN TAYLOR The surviving girl character from RIPPER: LETTER FROM HELL (this time played by Erin Karpluk) is sent to a special castle institution in the UK to begin radical new reality therapy with Dr. Richard Bremner. Seeing as it involves the immersion of the subjects in fantasy worlds that only exist in their head, this lousier sequel to a lousy movie tries to get away with all that alternative reality shit that means any excuse for a script it may have had has gone straight out of the window. More troubled teens and the doctor’s female assistant are the other main characters. With Nicholas Irons, Mhairi Steenbock, Jane Peachey and Colin Lawrence. Exactly what you would expect from the pedigree; Simandl I’m sure you know from endless dtv turds, and Questal made THE UNTOLD (2002).

RIPPER: LETTER FROM HELL (2001 CAN UK) D: JOHN EYERES W: PAT BERNEL W/P: JOHN CURTIS/ EVAN TAYLOR In an opening scene that copies URBAN LEGEND, ex-FBI serial killer profiler, university professor and bestselling author Bruce Payne teaches his new study group. Members of the group start getting killed off one-by-one in the slash stylings of Jack the Ripper. A.J. Cook is top-billed as the outsider with a past, and Jürgen Prochnow lurks around as a cop. With Claire Keim, Derek Hamilton, Daniella Evangelista, Emmanuelle Vaugier and Kelly Brook. Light teen horror features no real gore or nudity and has a stupid, unsatisfactory wrap-up. It must have shifted units, though, because a sequel appeared.

THE RISE AND FALL OF IDI AMIN See: AMIN: THE RISE AND FALL

THE RITE (2010 US) D: MIKAEL HAFSTROM W: MICHAEL PETRONI P: BEAU FLYNN/TRIPP VINSON Colin O’Donoghue stars as the son of a mortician (Rutger Hauer, who’s very good) who essentially runs away to the seminary despite not really believing in God. Priest Toby Jones (also very good) advises him to take an exorcist’s course (!) in Rome, and he ends up reluctantly observing under an unorthodox Welsh exorcist (Anthony Hopkins, who is most amusing) and learns that the Devil is very real. Ultimately just well-dressed nonsense, and loaded with the expected post-EXORCIST clichés (all demons must spout sexual obscenities), but diverting and rather fun, I thought. Both “suggested by” Matt Baglio’s book and “inspired by true events”. Anything not shot in Rome was shot in Hungary. With Ciarán Hinds, Marta Gastini and Maria Grazia Cucinotta. The IMDb lists Franco Nero, but I didn’t spot him. From the Swedish director of 1408 and DROWNING GHOST.

RITUALS (the creeper) (1977 CAN) D: PETER CARTER W: IAN SUTHERLAND P: LAWRENCE DANE A group of bickering surgeons on a trek through the wilderness are toyed with, delayed and killed by an unseen, vague menace in this much better than usual DELIVERANCE-style horror. Low-key and naturalistic, as opposed to having orchestrated suspense, it slowly builds effective, creepy menace. With Hal Holbrook, producer Dane, Robin Gammell and Ken James. This review refers to the rare 99 mins Canadian version, as opposed to the 10 mins shorter US cut (the French-dubbed Canadian release is also cut).

RIVER’S EDGE (1986 US) D: TIM HUNTER W: NEAL JIMENEZ P: SARAH PILLSBURY/MIDGE SANFORD Excellent sleeper about bored small-town teens benefits from a great script with realistic dialogue and some fantastic, eccentric performances. Daniel Roebuck strangles his girlfriend for no particular reason and shows the body to all his friends. Crispin Glover goes out of his way to cover-up for the apathetic Roebuck. Keanu Reeves and Ione Skye have a more level-headed crisis of conscience, and Dennis Hopper is the strange killer in hiding, Feck. With Joshua Miller, Leo Rossi, Tom Bower, Jim Metzler and Taylor Negron (from Three Dog Night). Recommended.

RIVKIN: BOUNTY HUNTER (1981 US) D: HARRY HARRIS P: FRANK BALLOU/ARTHUR E. McLAIRD Ron Leibman is a Jewish bounty hunter and single parent in this forgettable tv movie that has more domestic drama than action. With Harry Morgan as a priest, Verna Bloom and George DiCenzo.

THE ROAD BUILDER (the night digger) (1971 UK) D: ALASTAIR REID W: ROALD DAHL P: NORMAN S. POWELL Patricia Neal is an unhappy, trapped middle-aged woman looking after her mother in a big old house that’s falling down. A handyman moves in and changes their lives, when he’s not killing women and burying the bodies beneath land that’s about to have a road built over it. Intriguing psycho melodrama has nice black comic touches and is extremely well acted, but lacks focus and doesn’t add up to the sum of its parts. With Peter Sallis. Based on Joy Cowley’s novel Nest In A Falling Tree. The same year, one of Dahl’s children’s books was made into WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

ROADGAMES (1980 AUSL) D/W/P: RICHARD FRANKLIN W: EVERETT DeROCHE Stacy Keach is an American truck driver in Australia, hauling a freighter of meat across the Outback. He’s twigged that another trucker is responsible for a string of gruesome murders but can’t prove it, and even becomes the prime suspect himself. Jamie Lee Curtis co-stars as a hitch-hiker in peril. Franklin is well-known for being a protégé of Hitchcock’s (he even helmed PSYCHO 2), and as an attempt to update the master’s tone-shifting, sometimes whimsical innocent-in-peril shtick, I guess this is passable/watchable. However, the comedy is not really funny or charming, and for my money this type of story could have done with a tighter DUEL-like structure. With Stacy Keach Sr.

ROAD HOME See: BLIND MOUNTAIN

ROAD KILL (2010) See: ROAD TRAIN

ROAD KILLER (2001) See: JOY RIDE

ROADRACERS (1994 US) D/W: ROBERT RODRIGUEZ W: TOMMY NIX P: LOU ARKOFF/DEBRA HILL The Rebel Highway series for the Showtime Channel consisted of ten original 50s-inspired juvenile delinquent quickies, with titles borrowed from old AIP movies. This was one of the best ones, and also ranks among Rodriguez’s most enjoyable, too. David Arquette is well-cast against type as a Link Wray-loving, chainsmoking, greased-up leather-jacket-clad loner with untapped guitar skills, dating Mexican Salma Hayek in a small town. Racist, troublemaking Jason Wiles, as the son of Sheriff William Sadler, is his nemesis. Arquette’s weird buddy John Hawkes provides an excuse for INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS homages (Kevin McCarthy has a cameo after the end credits, and Rodriguez later made his own BODY SNATCHERS flick with THE FACULTY). As well as Wray’s music, the soundtrack has choice cuts from Charlie Feathers, and Scream by Ralph Nielson And The Chancellors, but best of all a skating rink fight scene is scored by Hasil Adkins’ No More Hot Dogs! Johnny Reno provides some of the music (in a band that also features Rodriguez), and appears as a rock ’n’ roller who figures in the genuinely surprising ending. Screenwriter Nix also has a part, and Rodriguez edited as usual. Much better than I expected, a pleasant surprise.

ROAD RAGE (road stalker; breaking point) (1999 US) D: DERAN SARAFIAN W: DAVID TAYLOR/JAMES MANOS JR./BRIAN ROSS P: BOB HARGROVE A man who loses his wife and daughter in a car accident becomes unhinged. He stalks real estate saleswoman Yasmine Bleeth after she cuts him up on the freeway. John Wesley Shipp is her husband, and there’s a teen daughter in danger, too. Tepid tv fare, completely different from Sarafian’s more outrageous, pumped-up theatrical outings. With Nathaniel DeVeaux and Doug Abrahams.

ROADSIDE PROPHETS (1992 US) D/W: ABBE WOOL P: PETER McCARTHY/DAVID SWINSON John Doe leaves his LA factory job behind to ride to Nevada on his Harley to scatter the ashes of a co-worker electrocuted by a video game. Beastie Boy Adam Horowitz thinks he’s cool so buys an old bike and follows him on this odyssey. They bump into various oddballs like starving terrorist John Cusack and a bong-smoking David Carradine (who sings a terrible song that’s supposed to be “beautiful, man”) on the way. It tries to show how things have (and haven’t) changed since the 60s, but is way too self-conscious. Easy to watch, though, and Doe and Horowitz are a likeable duo. With Timothy Leary, Stephen Tobolowsky, Arlo Guthrie, Aaron Lustig, Don Cheadle, Lee Arenberg, Flea, Bill Cobbs and Lin Shaye. Wool also wrote REPO MAN and SID AND NANCY for Alex Cox.

ROAD STALKER See: ROAD RAGE

THE ROAD TO FRISCO See: THEY DRIVE BY NIGHT (1940)

ROAD TRAIN (road kill; unstoppable highway) (2010 AUSL) D: DEAN FRANCIS W: CLIVE HOPKINS P: MICHAEL ROBERTSON A “road train” is what Australians call long, double trailer, long-distance delivery trucks. One runs a car full of vacationing youngsters off the road. They survive, manage to steal the truck but get stranded in the middle of the desert, and discover that the truck runs on human flesh and blood! I like the idea a lot, and appreciate the ambition, but this doesn’t really work. With Xavier Samuel and Bob Morley. The beautiful locations are in Southern Australia.

THE ROAD WARRIOR See: MAD MAX 2

ROAMING TORTURED BRAIN (samayoeru nouzui) (1993 JPN) D: SADAKI HAGIBA W: MIDORI KOGANEI P: TAKAO UCHIDA/HIDEHUMI ITO The dull, uncharismatic Reiko Takashima stars as a psychologist who’s wondering if her boyfriend cop (Masaki Kanda) is the Tokyo serial killer who removes his female victims’ eyelids. Or could it be disturbed patient Shun Shioya? You don’t want to sit through this slow and boring thriller (based on a novel by Tsuyoshi Aisaka) to find out. The startling final shot is very well done, though. With Tamotsu Ishibashi, Tomoroh Taguchi and Kyusuku Shimada (TOKYO: THE LAST MEGALOPOLIS) as a neurosurgeon.

ROARING FIRE (hoero! tekken) (1982 JPN) D/W: NORIFUMI SUZUKI W: SHINSUKE INOUE/MASAHARU SHIMURI Hiroyuki (“Henry”) Sanada goes from Texas to Japan to find his real family. He finds his twin brother dead, his sister (Etsuko Shihomi) blind and his villainous neo-Nazi uncle is smuggling drugs. There’s martial arts, violence, pathos, silly comedy, tits, a cute chimp, Ninja Monks and more in this oddity. Sonny Chiba is Mr. Magic, pro wrestler Abdullah the butcher is a bodyguard called Spartacus, and there’s also Mikio Narita, Toshiaki Minami, Rikia Yasuoka and Makoto Kenmochi. It’s all over the place, but is entertaining more often than not. Chiba, Sanada and Shihomi were also in the director’s peculiar period piece SHOGUN’S NINJA.

ROAR OF THE LION (lion vs lion; nam bei shi wang; naam bak shut wong) (1981 HK) D/W: CHIEN YUET SANG/HSU HSIA P: MONA FONG Wang Yue (THE YOUNG AVENGER) and Lo Meng (from many Chang Cheh “venoms” films) start a rival lion dancing school to defeat unbeaten champion Johnny Wang Lung Wei’s school. A list of patriotic Ching objectors is also part of the story. The writer-director team also choreographed the great kung fu action that make this well worth watching. With Sharon Yeung, Pan Pan, Chien Yuet Sang and Yeung Chi Hing and (briefly) a hopping vampire.

ROBBERY (1967 UK) D/W: PETER YATES W: EDWARD BOYD/GEORGE MARKSTEIN/GERALD WILSON P: STANLEY BAKER/MICHAEL DEELEY Baker masterminds the ambitious heist of millions from a cross-country train in this fine, exciting caper movie. The real-life events that it’s (unofficially) based on also inspired the hit Phil Collins vehicle BUSTER (1988). With James Booth, Frank Finlay, Barry Foster, Julie Ege, Mike Pratt and Robert Powell. Yates went to America to make BULLITT next.

ROBERT A. HEINLEIN’S THE PUPPETMASTERS (brain snatchers) (1994 US) D: STUART ORME W: TED ELLIOT/TERRY ROSSIO/DAVID S. GOYER P: RALPH WINTER Alien brain leech parasites invade in this pretty good old-fashioned sci-fi based on Heinlein’s 1951 novel (previously filmed as THE BRAIN EATERS). Donald Sutherland is the hero’s father. With Keith David, Will Patton, Richard Belzer, Marshall Bell, Yaphet Kotto, Andrew Robinson, Dale Dye and Michael Shamus Wiler. One part with the leeches may remind you of FIEND WITHOUT A FACE. See STARSHIP TROOPERS for the ultimate Heinlein adaptation.

ROBINSON CRUSOE OF CLIPPER ISLAND (1936 US) D: MACK J. WRIGHT/RAY TAYLOR W: MORGAN COX/BARRY SHIPMAN/MAURICE GERAGHTY This fun tropical b/w 14-chapter Republic serial begins when a huge airship crashes due to sabotage on its maiden voyage from America to Australia. A fuel dump on the remote Clipper Island is also burnt to the ground. Mala (not a great actor, but an appealing, muscular action star who was actually born in Alaska and not a South Seas native) stars as a government agent who goes to the island to find out what’s wrong. Marno Clark is a tribal princess in danger, and Mala has two human sidekicks (William Newell and “Brit” Herbert Rawlinson with an awful accent) and Buck (a dog) and Rex (a horse) to help. If you make it past the first cheat cliffhanger, you should enjoy the rest of it. With Selmar Jackson, John Dilson, George Chesebro, Bob Kortman, George Cleveland, Lloyd Whitlock, Don Brodie, Ed Cassidy, Allan Cavan, Edmund Cobb, Lester Dorr, Frank Ellis, Oscar Hendrian, Jerry Jerome, Cactus Mack, Charles Marsh, Ralph McCullough, Bud Osborne, Charles McMurphy, Eddie Phillips, Buddy Roosevelt, Harry Strang, Al Taylor and Francis Walker. MANHUNT ON MYSTERIOUS ISLAND or ROBINSON CRUSOE ON MYSTERIOUS ISLAND are condensed feature versions.

ROBINSON CRUSOE ON MARS (1964 US) D: BYRON HASKIN W: JOHN C. HIGGINS/IB MELCHIOR P: AUBREY SCHENCK Adam West, Paul Mantee and a chimp orbit Mars in a space shuttle. When they swerve to avoid an asteroid, the red planet’s gravitational pull sucks them in and they must escape in little pods. Only Mantee and the chimp survive. Yellow rocks burn to give them oxygen, they live in a cave and build some bagpipes. Victor Lunid is the man Friday character, a runaway alien slave. This engrossing sci-fi favourite is a lot better than it sounds. With some spaceships left over from THE WAR OF THE WORLDS. Haskin made only one more feature, THE POWER.

ROBINSON CRUSOE ON MYSTERIOUS ISLAND See: ROBINSON CRUSOE OF MYSTERIOUS ISLAND

ROBOCOP (1987 US) D: PAUL VERHOEVEN W: EDWARD NEUMEIER/MICHAEL MINER P: ARNE SCHMIDT Verhoeven made this after FLESH AND BLOOD (his first American feature). Peter Weller stars as Murphy, a cop in the dangerous privatised Detroit city of the future. After being killed by one of Kurtwood Smith’s cop-killer street gangs, he’s resurrected as a crime-fighting cyborg as part of a big company takeover (the police have become privatised). As well as being an excellent, thoroughly entertaining sci-fi action thriller, ROBOCOP works as satire as well (check out the outrageous yet believable news bulletins and adverts on tv). Rob Bottin created the top-notch robots (including the animated ED 209). Violent, funny, exciting… a classic crowd-pleaser. With Nancy Allen, Dan O’Herlihy, Miguel Ferrer, Ronnie Cox, Ray Wise, Liza Gibbons and Michael Gregory. Monte Hellman was a second unit director. “I’d buy that for a dollar”.

ROBOCOP 2 (1990 US) D: IRVIN KERSHNER W: FRANK MILLER/WALON GREEN P: JON DAVISON This sequel is terrible. Weller, Allen and O’Herlihy return. The plot involves street gangs, drugs and new robocops (and Weller is reprogrammed with too many directives). The violence seems more nasty, the satire is completely botched and it just leaves a bad taste in the mouth (not in a good way). With Tom Noonan, Patricia Charbonneau, Thomas Rosales Jr., Mark Rolston, Brandon Smith, Ken Lerner, George Cheung, David Dwyer and Bill Bolender.

ROBOCOP 3 (1991 US) D/W: FRED DEKKER W: FRANK MILLER P: PATRICK CROWLEY After the nasty part 2, we get a light, more comedic sequel that’s light years away from the original classic. Peter Weller did not return, so Robert Burke is Robocop this time. He switches sides from a fascistic OCP (which has merged with a Japanese corporation run by Mako) to fight for the rebel underground for control of the city. With Jill Hennessy, Nancy Allen, C.C.H. Pounder, Rip Torn, Stanley Anderson, Stephen Root, Daniel von Bargen, Lee Arenberg, Shane Black and Bradley Whitford. Pretty stupid, but I enjoyed seeing James Lorinz (FRANKENHOOKER, STREET TRASH) in a small role. A tv series with a pilot called ROBOCOP: THE FUTURE OF LAW ENFORCEMENT followed.

ROBOCOP No. 2 See: ROBOWAR

ROBOCOP: PRIME DIRECTIVES (2004 CAN) D/P: JULIAN GRANT W: JOSEPH O’BRIEN/BRAD ABRAHAM The continuing destruction of a once-decent concept with this lousy 6-hour (!) fourpart miniseries with a different actor in the lead. With Geraint Wyn Davies, Leslie Hope, Eugene Clark, Françoise Yip, Richard Fitzpatrick, Ellen Dubin, James Downing, Panou and Erica, Jaclyn and Nicole Dahm.

ROBOCOP: THE FUTURE OF LAW ENFORCEMENT (1994 CAN) D: PAUL LYNCH W: EDWARD NEUMEIER/ MICHAEL MINER P: J. MILES DALE Richard Eden is Robocop in this pilot for the toned-down (and short-lived) tv series. Cliff DeYoung is the villain, and the plot involves OCP corruption. It’s typically lame tv action drama, the best part being a Captain Cash cartoon tv commercial. With Andrea Roth, Blu Mankuma and Neil Crone. The miniseries ROBOCOP: PRIME DIRECTIVES followed years later.

EL ROBO DE LAS MOMIAS DE GUANAJUATO (gongu 2) (1972 MEX) D: TITO NOVARO An evil count and a scientist (with four dwarf assistants) go to the municipal cemetery and awaken some mummies by reading a scripture. The use of hypnosis and electronic mind control devices makes them dig for treasure for the bad guys (including director Novaro). A young boy (who spots the mummies) and a derelict enlist the help of three masked wrestlers, Mil Mascara, Blue Angel and El Rayo De Jalisco. It’s a pretty boring sequel to LAS MOMIAS DE GUANAJUATO. Followed by EL CASTILLO DE LAS MOMIAS GUANAJUATO and VUELVEN LOS CAMPEONES JUSTICIEROS.

ROBOFORCE (I love maria; tie jia wu di ma li ya; tit gaap miu dik lut leia) (1988 HK) D: DAVID CHUNG P: TSUI HARK This kinetic comedy action sci-fi involving robots leaves you numb with boredom as opposed to excited. And it’s not funny either. It’s another major disappointment that’s been overrated over the years. With Pomson Shi, Paul Chun Pui, Ben Lam Kwok Bun, John Sham, Dennis Chan, John Woo, Hark (who’s rumoured to have directed some of it), Sally Yeh, Tony Leung and Lam Ching Ying. The above credits are from the print I saw, but some sources claim it’s directed by Wong Che Keung (aka Benny Wong). Ching Siu Tung was the action director. ROBOJOX See: ROBOT JOX

ROBOKILL BENEATH DISCO CLUB LAYLA See: MIKADROID

ROBOMAN See: ROBOWAR

ROBOSPY See: RUNNING DELILAH

ROBOT CARNIVAL (1987 ANIMATED JPN) D/W: ATSUKO FUKUSHIMA/KATSUHIRO OTOMO/HIROYUKI KITAKUBO/HIROYUKI KITAZUME/MAO LAMDAO/ KOJI MORIMOTO/TAKASHI NAKAMURA/HIDETOSHI OMORI/YASUOMI UMEBU P: KAZUFUMI NOMURA Here’s an anthology made up of several short tales dealing with robots, each varying radically in visual and storytelling styles (not to mention the subject matter). Sometimes hit-and-miss (rarely the latter), this surprisingly well-dated gem is well worth a look for anime fanatics and those who usually steer clear of such things. Otomo and Fukushima are responsible for the great wraparound segment. My personal favourites here are Kitakubo (ROUJIN Z)’s A TALE OF TWO ROBOTS, and Nakamura’s NIGHTMARE. Umebu was responsible for the Lolita fetish ’n’ violence classic KITE. Lamdao is the only non-Japanese at the helm.

ROBOT HOLOCAUST (android busters; I robot conquistano il mondo) (1986 US ITL) D/W: TIM KINCAID P: CYNTHIA De PAULA Cheap NYC-lensed postnuke fantasy has a hero trying to restore order to a world where robots have revolted (or something). Ed French’s FX are not bad considering the cost, but everything else sucks. It seems to have some intentional comedy, but it’s all too serious to be explained away as high camp. With Rick Gianasi. Charles Band was an uncredited executive producer. An all-night Kincaid retrospective could induce suicide, but I’ve heard his gay porn (as Joe Gage) is pretty good.

ROBOT JOX (robojox) (1987 US) D/W: STUART GORDON W: JOE HALDEMAN P: ALBERT BAND Band’s Empire went bankrupt financing this futuristic post-nuke action movie that revolves around a gladiator game fought using huge robots controlled by pilots inside (cool but rarely seen animatronic FX from the late, underappreciated David Allen). Gary Graham stars as the traumatised, retired champ who’s failing robot crushed spectators. He returns to battle his Russian nemesis Paul Koslo (a man who seems to have never been allowed a tidy haircut at the movies). Apart from Allen’s aforementioned contributions, this is not very entertaining. With Anne-Marie Johnson, Robert Sampson, Jeffrey Combs (from Gordon’s classic RE-ANIMATOR) and Italian exploitation regular Al Yamanouchi (it was filmed in Italy). Charles Band was an executive producer. Apparently leftover FX scenes made it into CRASH AND BURN (a phrase oft-repeated in this movie). ROBOT WARS (1993) was the first follow up.

ROBOT MONSTER (monsters from the moon) (1953 US) D/P: PHIL TUCKER W: WYATT ORDUNG This infamous b/w “bad” movie classic is fascinating. An alien called Ro-Man (George Barrows in a big gorilla suit, wearing a diving helmet with an antenna on top) hangs out in a cave in Bronson Canyon with his bubble-making machine on a wooden table. He takes orders from another Ro-man on a viewscreen while trying to locate and destroy the only remaining family on Earth with a death ray. Scenes are repeated, the camera is knocked out of place and plenty of utterly confusing things happen in this brain-frying sci-fi oddity. Elmer Bernstein (!) provided the music, and it’s in (pretty bad) 3D. With John Mylong and stock footage from ONE MILLION B.C. and THE LOST WORLD. Don’t miss it!

ROBOTRIX (bustroid; lui gei haai yan; nu ji xie yen) (1991 HK JPN) D/W: JAMIE LUK W: SO MAN SING P: CHUA LAM This seriously fun action sci-fi sex comedy involving robot policewoman fighting an evil robot criminal features bad kung fu, gore, softcore sex and Amy Yip’s breasts. One of the most endearing and enjoyable Category III movies. With Billy Chow and David Ng Dai Wai.

THE ROBOT VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY (la momia azteca contra el robot humano) (1957 MEX) D: RAFAEL PORTILLO W/P: GUILLERMO CALDERON W: ALFREDO SALAZAR Scientists investigating an Aztec pyramid tomb awaken a mummy (Angel di Stefani) when they try to steal the gold it is guarding. After they realise their mistake, they must stop the evil Dr. Krupp (aka The Bat) who has invented a human robot to kill the mummy for the gold. Most of this is told in flashback by a guy with an acid-scarred face. Atmospheric, but the awful English dubbing in the K. Gordon Murray import version makes me want to see it in its original language. Otherwise a good time. It was made back to back with ATTACK OF THE AZTEC MUMMY and CURSE OF THE AZTEC MUMMY (it uses lots of footage from both) and is the most fun of the trilogy. With Ramon Gray, Rosita Arenas, Crox Alvarado, Arturo Martinez, Jorge Mondragon, Alejandro Cruz (aka Blue Demon), Julián de Meriche, Emma Roldan, Salvador Lozano and Guillermo Hernandez. A slightly different Aztec mummy returned in WRESTLING WOMEN VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY.

ROBO VAMPIRE (paa lohgan) (1984 THAI) D: “JOE LIVINGSTONE” W: “WILLIAM PALMER” P: “TOMAS TANG” Drug dealers use hopping vampires to fight rival gangsters who want to monopolise the heroin trade. A cop killed in the line of duty is resurrected as the worst, cheapest ROBOCOP clone you’re likely to see (he has an aerial on the side of his head!). There’s also a vampire in a gorilla mask (!??!) who has a sex scene!! A real stinker from Filmark International. Thai-lensed footage has Sorapong Chatree. I think Kong Tao’s in it, too.

ROBOWAR (: ROBOT DA GUERRA) (cyber robo; robocop no. 2; roboman) (1988 ITL) D/W: “VINCENT DAWN” (BRUNO MATTEI) W: ROSSELLA DRUDI/ CLAUDIO FRAGASSO P: FRANCO GAUDENZI Reb Brown leads a team of mercs into the jungle to destroy a runaway military robot with lasers. PREDATOR rip-off with a cyborg is a mindless bore after five minutes. With Catherine Hickland, Romano Puppo, Max Laurel (of ZUMA fame!) as Quang, Massimo Vanni (also the stunt co-ordinator) and apparently that’s Fragasso as the robot. Luciano Pugozzi’s scenes were deleted. Al Festa did the music. With footage from DOUBLE TARGET and AFTER DEATH, other Gaudenzi-backed Mattei/Fragasso “classics” lensed in the Philippines.

ROBO WARRIORS (1996 US PHIL) D: IAN BARRY W: MICHAEL BERLIN P: LOUCAS GEORGE After ROBOT JOX, CRASH AND BURN and ROBOT WARS (1993) we get ROBO WARRIORS. An annoying kid (Kyle Howard) helps ex-robo warrior James Remar duel an alien Teridax warrior inside huge robots in the arena climax. Stuart Gordon gets “Based on characters created by” credit for this dull, needless sequel which has poor FX. Cirio H. Santiago was executive producer. With James Tolkan and James Lew.

THE ROCK (1996 US) D: MICHAEL BAY W: MARK ROSNER/DAVID WEISBERG/DOUGLAS COOK/JONATHAN HENGLEISH (uncredited)/AARON STORKIN (uncredited)/QUENTIN TARANTINO (uncredited) P: JERRY BRUCKHEIMER/DON SIMPSON Ed Harris is a ’nam vet hero who ransoms the government to pay up to the families of dead soldiers, or he’ll release missiles containing a deadly gas from his Alcatraz HQ (where he has hostages). Destination San Francisco. Nicolas Cage is a weapons expert for the FBI who goes in with convicted Sean Connery (who escaped from Alcatraz). There’s lots of explosions, but not enough suspense in this hit Simpson and Bruckheimer programmer (that’s too long at about 140 mins). With Michael Biehn, William Forsythe, David Morse, Tony Todd, Brendan Kelly, Claire Forlani, Greg Collins, Tom Towles, Xander Berkeley, Philip Baker Hall, Stuart Wilson, Todd Louiso, David Marshall Grant, Raymond Cruz, Danny Nucci, John C. McGinley, John Spencer, Gregory Spotleder, Bokeem Woodbine, and Buck Kartalyan at the very end as a priest. Connery and Dustin Hoffman were executive producers.

ROCKERS (1978 JAM) D/W: TED BAFALOUKOS P: PATRICK HUHEY The search for a stolen bicycle kick-starts this who-cares-about-the-plot slice-oflife drama set in Kingston. At least that’s the perceived wisdom, but in fact I think it also has a satisfying revenge plot, too. The sights and sounds of the street-level recording industry make this a must-see, along with THE HARDER THEY COME. Check out the talent, including Gregory Isaacs, Winston Rodney (aka Burning Spear), Peter Tosh, Errol Brown, Manley Buchanan (aka Big Youth) and Bunny Wailer.

ROCKET ATTACK USA (five minutes to zero) (1960 US) D/P: BARRY MAHON An American spy goes to Russia to find out secrets about sputniks. He falls in love with a female double agent. Manhattan is destroyed by missiles. That’s what basically happens in this mind-numbing b/w sleep-inducer between all the endless scenes of talking, walking and other time-wasting elements (including stock footage). Look for Art Metrano and Robert “Mike Brady” Reed. Mahon went on to make many, many nudie movies.

ROCKETEER (1991 US) D: JOE JOHNSTON W: DANNY BILSON/PAUL DE MEO/WILLIAM DEAR P: LAWRENCE GORDON/CHARLES GORDON/LLOYD LEVIN Bill Campbell has a cool rocket pack and helmet in 1938. He fights Nazis led by Timothy Dalton (as an Errol Flynn-like movie star) in this enjoyable adventure flick heavily influenced by cliffhanger serials (primarily KING OF THE ROCKET MEN). It’s officially based on a graphic novel by Dave Stevens. In my favourite touch, Tiny Ron is made to resemble the legendary Rondo Hatton (with the aid of Rick Baker make up)! The only drawback I can think of is that sexy Jennifer Connelly’s character was originally to be based on Betty Page, but was changed for a more family-friendly tone. Talk about missed opportunities! The finale takes place on-board a burning Zeppelin. With Alan Arkin, Paul Sorvino, Terry O’Quinn as Howard Hughes, Ed Lauter, Clint Howard, Margo Martindale, Norbert Weisser, James Handy, Jon Polito, Eddie Jones, Max Grodénchik and William Sanderson. Johnston made this for Disney after he delivered them the hit HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS.

ROCKET SHIP See: FLASH GORDON (1936)

ROCKETSHIP X-M (1950 US) D/W/P: KURT NEUMANN W: DALTON TRUMBO DESTINATION MOON is considered the first serious sci-fi look at space travel and was indeed the first to be researched and planned. But this one from the director of THE FLY was released first by a small, much cheaper company called Lippert trying to cash in on MOON’s publicity. To be fair it’s just as memorable and worth watching as MOON, the only difference being it’s in b/w (with colour FX inserts added by Wade Williams in 1978). The astronauts who are knocked off course to the Moon and crash-land on radiation-ravaged Mars include Lloyd Bridges, Hugh O’Brien and Noah Beery Jr. With Morris Ankrum. FLIGHT TO MARS completes the unconnected first trilogy of serious American sci-fi.

ROCK’N’ROLL HIGH SCHOOL (1979 US) D/W: ALLAN ARKUSH/JOE DANTE (uncredited) D: JERRY ZUCKER (uncredited) W: RICHARD WHITLEY/RUSS DVONCH/JOSEPH McBRIDE P: MICHAEL FINNELL P.J. Soles is The Ramones’ number one fan who wages war against new principal Ms. Togar (Mary Woronov from Arkush and Dante’s HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD) at Vince Lombardi High. Her studious friend wants dull jock Vince Van Patten. Maybe Eaglebauer (Clint Howard) can arrange it. The Ramones play plenty of great songs at The Roxy, the school and even in the bathroom. Even classical music teacher Paul Bartel ends up wearing a Ramones tshirt. Dick Miller is a cop (“ugly, ugly people”), with Don Steele, Darby Crash and Grady Sutton. Gabba, Gabba Hey-loads of fun; a must-see. Corman was executive producer for his New World.

ROCK’N’ROLL NIGHTMARE (the edge of hell) (1987 CAN) D: JOHN FASANO W/P: JON MIKL THOR Fed-up of TRICK OR TREAT or HARD ROCK ZOMBIES? Try this for size. It’s the ultimate heavy-metal horror movie. Thor (a one-time Mr. Canada) is the long blond-haired leader of 80s hair metal band Triton. After a pathetic precredit sequence (a plastic skeleton pops out of an oven) we follow their RV driving for a very long time. They eventually arrive at an (apparently) spooky old farmhouse. Amityville-style “aaahhs” play every time there’s an exterior shot of the house. Despite the warnings of the caretaker, they proceed to record new material in the barn that’s been converted into a 24-track studio. As well as the effortlessly charismatic Thor, look out for drummer Stig. He’s supposed to be a cockney (or Australian) and uses the worst accent I’ve ever heard (“no sweat, sweet-knees”). The story drags a little (ok, a lot) as Triton practise their songs (like We Live For Rock) and have unappealing sex scenes while being picked off one-by-one by some demonic force manifested in the worst special FX. But stick around for the incredible surprise ending. I won’t spoil it for you, but suffice to say you’ll never forget it and no one wears metal pants and teased hair like Thor (also in ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE and RECRUITS). See it today. Fasano directed BLACK ROSES and THE JITTERS and worked on scripts for many big-budget Hollywood movies. INTERCESSOR (2005) was a late sequel that was surprisingly pleasing.

ROCKTOBER BLOOD (splatters rock) (1984 US) D/W/P: BEVERLY SEBASTIAN W/P: FERD SEBASTIAN A thought-to-be-executed killer/heavy metal singer stalks in this awful horror quickie from the makers of ’GATOR BAIT. Ferd also did the photography and edited. [Illus.]

ROCKY JONES, SPACE RANGER: BEYOND THE CURTAIN OF SPACE (1954 US) D: HOLLINGSWORTH MORSE W: WARREN WILSON P: RONALD D. REED/GUY V. THAYERS JR. Here’s the first three episodes of this pretty bad b/w tv series, notable for being filmed as opposed to a live tv broadcast (the norm at the time). Rocky Jones (the dull Richard Crane), his sidekick Winky and a female navigator travel to a distant planet to rescue captive scientist Maurice Cass and his son. I liked the big see-through oxygen helmets, but this is static and unimaginative, and only for nostalgic people who grew up with it (and I’m sure they’ll find it difficult to sit through, too). This tape has all three episodes in their entirety (opening and closing credits), but the remaining 36 episodes were edited into “features”. They are CRASH OF MOONS, BLAST OFF, THE COLD SUN, DUEL IN SPACE, FORBIDDEN MOON, THE GYPSY MOON, THE MAGNETIC MOON, MANHUNT IN SPACE, MENACE FROM OUTER SPACE, RENEGADE SATELLITE, BEYOND THE MOON and THE ROBOT OF REGALIO.

ROCKY LEE See: MAR’S VILLA

ROCK YOU! See: A KNIGHT’S TALE

RODAN (sora no daikaiju radon) (1956 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: TAKESHI KIMURA/TAKEO MURATA/ KEN KURONUMA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA The original crew (including FX pioneer Eiji Tsubaraya) and some of the cast from GODZILLA returned for this fun monster movie, Rodan/Radon is a kind of pterodactyl whose egg hatches at the bottom of a mine shaft. He has to reunite himself with his mate (and children) in a dormant volcano. Like most Japanese monsters, it means no harm but inadvertently ends up causing it. A highlight is seeing a baby Radon hatch from a large egg. With Kenji Sahara, Akihiko Hirata, Yoshifumi Tajima, Shoichi Hirose, Fuyuki Murakami, Ichiro Nakayama and Ren Yamamoto. The US version has voices by Paul Frees, Keye Luke and George Takei, as well as Les Tremayne narration. Rodan returned in MONSTER ZERO.

RODENTZ (altered species) (2001 US) D/WP: MILES FELDMAN Allen Lee Haff works in an inner-city lab with a professor busy injecting caged rats with some green formula. The rats increase in size and strength, escape and kill. After a cat and the janitor are killed, some very annoying and overaged postgrad students turn up to say things like “take a chill pill” and get chewed up. With some utterly pointless, time-wasting flashbacks, this was one of the most flat out tedious films in recent memory, seeming to last a week. Avoid at all costs.

ROGER AND ME (1989 US) D/WP: MICHAEL MOORE Oscar-winning documentarian Moore (who’s been called “the Leni Riefenstahl of the left”) began his movie career with this typically unfocused and heavily biased look at events surrounding the closing of a General Motors factory in his home town of Flint, Michigan. The bulk of it consists of Moore aggravating security by trying to get an interview with GM Chairman Roger Smith. There are some sobering insights into the fall of Flint from economic boom town to rat-infested shithole, but Moore constantly undercuts everything with his blatant, selfrighteous bludgeoning of facts that most viewers can see without having them shoved in their face. There are also some lies and faked-looking scenes. It’s a real shame that Moore does what he does with such genuinely important documentary material. With Pat Boone, Anita Bryant and Bob Eubanks. PETS OR MEAT: THE RETURN TO FLINT was Moore’s short (24 mins) follow up (in 92).

ROGER CORMAN: HOLLYWOOD’S WILD ANGEL (1978 US) D/P: CHRISTIAN BLACKWOOD Narrated 57 mins doc about Roger Corman (lots of interesting interview footage with him), at the time going strong with New World Pictures, so there’s clips and/ or trailers for HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD, GRAND THEFT AUTO, CAGED HEAT, NIGHT CALL NURSES, DEATH RACE 2000, BOXCAR BERTHA. Then it backtracks to AIP and the drive-ins, so there’s footage and anecdotes from A BUCKET OF BLOOD, LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, DEMENTIA 13, the Poe Cycle, THE TERROR, THE WILD ANGELS, THE TRIP (and others). Interviewees indebted to Corman include Ron Howard, David Carradine, Allan Arkush, Paul Bartel, Joe Dante, Jonathan Demme, Peter Fonda, Jonathan Kaplan and Martin Scorsese. Corman also talks about distributing Bergman, Fellini and Truffaut for the love of it! A fun watch for those inclined, but the jarring (in retrospect) ending has the trailer for the forgotten, out-of-place I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN supposedly pointing the way for New World as a diverse major studio (Corman sold it 5 years later). German documentarian Blackwood died in 1992.

ROGUE (rogue crocodile) (2006 AUSL US) D/W/P: GREG McLEAN P: MATT HEARN/DAVID LIGHTFOOT A cruise boat full of tourists gets stranded in the Australian outback after a huge crocodile attacks. You’re probably sick of investing hope in potentially exciting but always crap nature-attacks movies by now, but listen up, this one’s pretty damn good. Exciting, unpredictable, well-acted and nicely shot on beautiful locations, with some really impressive FX work. Radha Mitchell and Michael Vartan star. Sam Worthington (later the star of 2009’s AVATAR) doesn’t last long. With Barry Otto and Mia Wasikowska (later in Tim Burton’s unfairly maligned 2010 version of ALICE IN WONDERLAND). From the director of WOLF CREEK.

ROGUE CROCODILE See: ROGUE

ROGUE FORCE See: COUNTERFORCE

THE ROGUES’ TAVERN (1936 US) D: BOB HILL W: AL MARTIN P: SAM KATZMAN Mercury Pictures released this fun 60 min-or-so b/w murder mystery (with good comedy) that has a plot that will seem familiar to those who watched the more widely seen remake, THE BLACK RAVEN. Detective Wallace Ford and fiancée Barbara Pepper arrive at a remote hotel to be married, but murders (committed by someone with dog teeth gloves) occur. With Joan Woodbury, Jack Mulhall, Clara Kimball, Earl Dwire, John Elliott, Arthur Loft, Ed Cassidy and Robert McKenzie. One of the more essential old dark house movies of the era.

ROKU DENASHI YARO (1961 JPN) D: AKINORI MATSUO W: HUMIO HASHIMOTO P: KINNICHI KAMEI Hideaki Futani (who sings the theme tune) is a fighting, gambling Catholic priest in this Nikkatsu action drama that has a setting (small-town with dirt roads) and a plot (fight for land during a gold rush) straight out of a western. Unfortunately it’s pretty boring. With Izumi Ashikawa, Hiroyuki Nagato and Sanae Nagahara.

ROLL COVERED WAGON See: ROLL, WAGONS, ROLL

ROLLERBALL (1975 US) D/P: NORMAN JEWISON W: WILLIAM HARRISON Big-budget boredom as James Caan stars as the star player of a violent futuristic game called Rollerball who discovers corruption in the game. With Maud Adams, Ralph Richardson, John Houseman, John Beck, Moses Gunn, Shane Rimmer, Burt Kwouk, Robert Ito, Ralph Richardson, Mac McDonald and lots of wasted money up onscreen without an interesting script (based on a short story in Esquire magazine) to back it up. Remade in 2002.

ROLLER BOOGIE (1979 US) D: MARK L. LESTER W: BARRY SCHNEIDER/IRWIN YABLANS P: BRUCE COHN CURTIS Rich kid Linda Blair escapes the stuffy confines of her family mansion and heads for the beach to learn roller skating from Jim Bray (a real-life skating pro). But threatening mobsters result in the rink being closed down just before the big boogie contest. Of course, the kids save the day in this insipid hit roller disco movie, guaranteed to make you rethink that nostalgia bender. With Mark Goddard, Beverly Garland, Jimmy Van Patten and Laurene Landon.

ROLLERBOYS See: PRAYER OF THE ROLLERBOYS

ROLLER GATOR (1995 US) D/W/P: DONALD G. JACKSON More junk from Jackson providing employment for Joe Estevez and Conrad Brooks. A blonde in a bikini strolls along the beach and discovers a small, purple, talking alligator (obviously a hand puppet) in a cave. The sarcastic reptile is on the run from a ninja (!) who works for some carnival types. Estevez also wants to make money off the gator, but he’s eventually reunited with his nice guy dad (Brooks). The shot-on-video camerawork, acting and (loud) soundtrack are all awful. Showing it to kids should be considered child abuse.

ROLLING THUNDER (1977 US) D: JOHN FLYNN W: PAUL SCHRADER/HEYWOOD GOULD P: NORMAN T. HERMAN William Devane (who’s very good) returns to his San Antonio home town after being rescued from a POW camp in ’nam. He’s given a silver coin collection, but some thugs break into his house and steal it. They also shove his hand in the garbage disposal and shoot his wife and kid. He gets himself a hook hand and tracks the killers to Mexico. Tommy Lee Jones is his ’nam vet buddy who helps him wipe them out. There are some thoughtful, intelligent touches in the script (which has similarities to Schrader’s TAXI DRIVER), but this is best viewed as a superior revenge thriller and solid exploitation favourite. With James Best and Dabney Coleman. Schrader directed the brilliant BLUE COLLAR the following year.

ROLLS ROYCE BABY (1975 SWITZ) D/W/P: ERWIN C. DIETRICH Lina Romay shaves her pussy with a straight razor and exclaims “they will all lust after my virgin territory” before masturbating. She’s an X movie star who hires a muscle guy who does naked karate kicks into the camera to be her Rolls-Royce chauffeur. They drive around picking up male hitchhikers who fuck Romay (smoking cigarettes in a very long holder) in the back. A flashback reveals a couple of truckers to be the cause of all this. The soundtrack is electric guitar, tambourine and xylophone. Not only Jesús Franco made loopy yet dull Romay sex movies.

ROLL, WAGONS, ROLL (roll covered wagon) (1940 US) D: ALBERT HERMAN W: VICTOR ADAMSON/EDMOND KELSO/ROGER MERTOW P: EDWARD FINNEY Tex Ritter and sidekick Nelson McDowell aid a wagon train bound for Oregon through dangerous Indian territory. Appointed trail leader Tom London and his cronies are in league with the Indians and attempt to sabotage the journey, so that pioneers will stay away and a scam involving cheap Indian furs for US weapons can continue. 52 b/w minutes of competent but essentially forgettable oater thrills. Co-screenwriter Adamson was aka western star Denver Dixon, and Al Adamson’s dad.

THE ROMANCE OF VAMPIRE (kap ngo yat goh man; xi wo yi ge wen) (1994 HK) D: RICKY LAU W: NAM YIN Here’s an erotic vampire movie from the director of MR. VAMPIRE. There’s even a brief hopping vampire scene and some martial arts as in that hit. Unlike that hit, the action scenes are few and far between, and it’s pretty boring. With Ben Lam Kwok Bun, Billy Chow, Yuen King-Tan and Yip Wing Cho.

ROME ARMED TO THE TEETH (assault with a deadly weapon; brutal justice; the tough ones; roma a mano armate) (1975 ITL) D/W: UMBERTO LENZI W: DARDANO SACCHETTI P: MINO LOY/LUCIANO MARTINO Maurizio Merli (dubbed by Michael Forest in the English-language version) is at his suspect-beating reactionary best in this largely plotless Eurocrime favourite. Tomas Milian is also highly amusing as a hunchback criminal who guns down many innocent civilians in the final chase scene. With Arthur Kennedy, Ivan Rassimov (largely wasted in a meandering subplot), Luciano Pigozzi, Valentino Macchi, Dante Cleri, Fulvio Mingozzi, Tom Felleghy, Ottaviano Dell’Acqua and Claudio Ruffini. Entertaining trash. Merli returned as the same character (which is the same as all his other characters of the period) in THE CYNIC, THE RAT AND THE FIST (1977). Milian returned as the hunchback in BROTHERS TILL WE DIE (1978). A severely edited version (with fake credits listing Kennedy as the director!) was released in the US during the early 80s (and then on video, hosted by Sybil Danning).

ROMEO IS BLEEDING (1993 US UK) D: PETER MEDAK W/P: HILARY HENKIN P: PAUL WEBSTER This failed attempt to update film noir stars Gary Oldman (who narrates) as a womanising fuck-up corrupt cop (who’s kind of likable) and how he gets screwed over by a Russian crime family witness (Lena Olin, with an amputated arm). It’s a little overwrought in places (which suits Oldman) and easy enough to watch (there’s some unintentionally funny dialogue). But don’t expect much. With Annabella Sciorra, Juliette Lewis, Roy Scheider, Michael Wincott, Ron Perlman, David Proval, James Cromwell, Will Patton, Dennis Farina and Stephen Tobolowsky.

ROMEO MUST DIE (2000 US) D: ANDRZEJ BARTKOWIAK W: ERNE BERNT/JOHN JARRELL/MITCHELL KAPPER P: JOEL SILVER/JIM VAN WYCK After playing a villain in LETHAL WEAPON 4, Jet Li got to star in his own American vehicle. He plays an escaped con who travels from Hong Kong to the US when his gangster brother is killed. A war between the Chinese and the blacks is the backdrop as Li tries to solve the murder and falls in love with gang boss Delroy Lindo’s daughter Aaliyah (who released a single from the soundtrack, with Jet in the video). It’s kinda ok with decent action, but overlong and overdiluted for Li fans. It copies an idea from the old Sonny Chiba movie THE STREETFIGHTER (and Japanese manga and anime) when a bone is broken and we get an x-ray flash of it. With Russel Wong, Isaiah Washington, DMX, Anthony Anderson, Benz Antoine, Colin Foo, Françoise Yip and Frank Gerrish.

ROME 2072 See: ROME 2033: THE FIGHTER CENTURIONS

ROME 2033: THE FIGHTER CENTURIONS (rome 2072: the new gladiators; I guerrieri dell’anno 2072) (1983 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: EILSA BRIGANTI/DARDANI SACCHETTI/CESARE FRUGONI Along with the previous year’s ENDGAME, this predates the more famous THE RUNNING MAN by a few years. But it’s not good. TV networks air gladiatorial death games in the future. Lots of flashing lights make it a no-no for epileptic Fulci completists. Fred Williamson stars, with Al Cliver (a less famous celebrity carpenter than Harrison Ford), Jared Martin, Al Yamanouchi, Howard Ross, Donald O’Brien and the usual Fulci cameo.

RONIN (1998 US UK) D: JOHN FRANKENHEIMER W: J.D. ZEIK/“RICHARD WEISZ” (DAVID MAMET) P: FRANK MANCUSO JR. Robert DeNiro and Jean Reno star in this unsatisfying thriller about hired criminals who have to steal a mysterious case for the Irish in France. The Russians are also after it, and there’s lots of twists and double-crosses. It’s supposedly based on the Chushingura samurai legend, but has fuck all to do with it really. There are some good car chases, though. With Natascha McElhone, Sean Bean, Jonathan Pryce, Stellan Skarsgård, Skipp Sudduth, Michael Lonsdale, Jan Triska, Feodor Atkine, Katarina Witt, Gerard Moulevier, Lionel Vitrant and Katia Tcheriko. Scenes with Ron Jeremy were deleted.

ROPE (1948 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: ARTHUR LAURENTIS/BEN HECHT (uncredited) P: SIDNEY BERNSTEIN Based on the Leopold and Loeb murder case (see also COMPULSION and SWOON), Farley Granger and John Dahl are wealthy college students who have killed one of their friends (the opening scene) and keep the body hidden in the house during a cocktail party for the thrill of it. It’s based on Patrick Hamilton’s 1929 play and is pretty experimental for a major release. It was Hitchcock’s first in Technicolor, the background scenery is a deliberately fake, gaudy-looking set and (more importantly) it’s filmed in fluid ten-minute takes (no cuts) that seamlessly blend into each other to make it look like one continuous take. It’s also extremely good. With James Stewart, Cedric Hardwicke and Edith Evanson.

THE ROPE AND THE COLT See: CEMETERY WITHOUT CROSSES

ROPE OF SAND See: SHADOW HUNTER

ROSELAND (1970 US) D/W: “C.F. HOBBS” (FREDERIC HOBBS) Here’s a unique, utterly bizarre release from Harry Novak’s Boxoffice International. E. Kerrigan Prescott stars as a musical performer (who hit it big on The Ed Sullivan Show) called “The Black Bandit” who enters a period of confusion and addiction to pornographic material. He goes to a psychiatrist but can’t pay the bill. Then he tries a priest and finally ends up in the loonybin where he meets (hallucinates?) a black Hieronymus Bosch (Christopher Brooks) in an amazing finale. Lots of naked hippies and burlesque strippers are also involved in this fascinatingly odd and confusing tale that comes highly recommended for those seeking something different. In colour and b/w. Hobbs had previously directed something called TROIKA (1969) and returned with ALABAMA’S GHOST and GODMONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS. It’s a shame he didn’t get to make any more.

ROSEMARY’S BABY (1968 US) D/W: ROMAN POLANSKI P: WILLIAM CASTLE Polanski’s first attempt at something truly commercial is one of his best, masterfully suspenseful and with the ante upped at a perfect pace throughout. John Cassavetes and Mia Farrow move into a great new apartment and slowly discover how strange their neighbours really are. Farrow is excellent as the expectant mother unaware of what she’s carrying. One of the best horror films of its decade. The great cast includes Elisha Cook Jr., Ruth Gordon, Sidney Blackmer, Ralph Bellamy, Patsy Kelly, Charles Grodin, Almira Sessions, D’Urville Martin, Walter Baldwin, Roy Barcroft, Floyd Mutrux, Sharon Tate, producer Castle and the voice of Tony Curtis. Based on Ira Levin’s novel. Polanski’s bubble burst with the Tate/ La Bianca killings the following year. He returned to the witchcraft theme with the ponderous THE NINTH GATE years later.

ROSEMARY’S DISCIPLES See: THE WITCHING

ROSEMARY’S KILLER See: THE PROWLER

ROSE RED (2002 US) D: CRAIG R. BAXLEY W: STEPHEN KING P: ROBERT F. PHILLIPS/THOMAS H. BRODEK College professor of the paranormal Nancy Travis organises a team of psychics (including telekinetic autistic teen Kimberly J. Brown) to visit (and hopefully wake up) a dormant haunted house that grows all by itself. Thoroughly irritating and overdramatic tv miniseries is over 4 hours long (6 if you watched it on ABC with commercials) but still can’t make sense out of all the visual FX overkill. It’s a shame that the intriguing notion of a living house that mutates is utterly wasted. With Matt Keeslar, Judith Ivey, Melanie Lynskey (HEAVENLY CREATURES), Julian Sands, Kevin Tighe, Yvonne Scio and David Dukes who died during production. Executive producer Stephen King is seen delivering a pizza. Steve Johnson’s excellent makeup is the only highlight.

ROTTEN SHAOLIN ZOMBIES (2003 CAN) D/W/P: BLAINE WASYLKIW Two brothers practise kung fu together. One is attacked by a lungfish in a sushi restaurant and dies. The other brother must fight his fallen comrade when he returns as a zombie. 23 mins gore comedy has a deliberately see-through FX scene involving a killer fish on visible wires (at least I hope it’s intentional), and the rest of it is utterly forgettable nonsense. Wasylkiw also filmed and edited. It’s a shame he didn’t focus his potential talents on something more substantial.

ROTTWEILER (2004 SPN) D/P: BRIAN YUZNA W: ALBERTO VAZQUEZ FIGUEROA P: JULIO FERNANDEZ In the year 2018, William Miller escapes from a prison camp for immigrants (instigated to prevent the influx of foreigners by barely-in-it villain Paul Naschy) to look for the girl he left behind. A big vicious dog (which turns out to be a robot in the TERMINATOR-copy ending) chases after him and eats lots of bloody victims. This one hits the ground dragging, never finds its pace, and has a confusing, flashbackloaded structure. It’s also pretty silly.

ROUGH BOYS See: ANGELS DIE HARD!

ROUGH COMPANY See: THE VIOLENT MEN

ROUGH DRAFT See: DIARY OF A SERIAL KILLER

ROUGH JUSTICE See: THE BEAST (1970)

ROUGH RIDERS See: ARIZONA BOUND

ROUJIN Z (oldman z) (1991 ANIMATED JPN) D: HIROYUKI KITAKUBO W: KATSUHIRO OTOMO P: YASUKA KAZAMA/YOSHIZAKI MOTOYA/YASUHITO NOMURA One of the best animations to come out of Japan is superbly drawn and features an excellent, original story. A special electronic bed has been designed to house and take care of the elderly. A test subject somehow takes over the machine and it rips its way through Tokyo on the way to the coast. There’s lots of the expected cool robot action, but, more than that, it works as a sentimental love story and social satire. See it.

ROUNDERS (1998 US) D: JOHN DAHL W: DAVID LEVIEN/BRIAN KOPPELMAN P: JOEL STILLERMAN/ TED DEMME Matt Damon is a reformed gambling/ poker addict law student who gets sucked back into the world by childhood friend Edward Norton (also a card player) who just got out of prison. The world of New York City “rounders” is effectively captured in this tight, suspenseful movie that really entertains you for two hours. A scene in a poker den full of offduty cops is pretty scary. With John Malkovich, John Turturro, Famke Janssen, Martin Landau, Gretchen Moll. Michael Rispoli, Jon Chan and Adam Le Fevre. Dahl was known for his “neo-noir” like RED ROCK WEST and THE LAST SEDUCTION before this. I would hesitate to call this a classic, but have to admit to having seen it more than a few times, and still enjoy it.

ROUTE 9 (1998 US) D: DAVID McKAY W: BRENDAN BRODERICK/ROB KERCHNER P: DAVID BIXLER/MIKE ELLIOTT/BRAD KREVOY Small-town cops Kyle MacLachlan and Wade Williams stumble upon a drugdeal shoot-out and decide to pocket the cash instead of turning it in. MacLachlan is also having an affair with Sheriff Peter Coyote’s wife Amy Locane. Roma Maffia turns up as a Fed, as it turns out one of the dead men on the crime scene was undercover and wearing a wire. Predictable made-for-tv stuff. With Miguel Sandoval, Richard Riehle, Joseph D. Reitman, Robert Peters and Kerchner.

ROXANNA (1970 US) D: NICK PHILLIPS Phillips is aka Nick Millard, the guy behind the CRAZY FAT ETHEL movies. This 50 mins colour sex movie is narrated by a (sometimes hateful) woman who talks of a sexcrazed lesbian who couldn’t get enough perversion. The softcore fondlings on display are pretty boring, apart from when Uschi Digard licks her own breasts. With Monica Gayle and a depressing suicide attempt ending. The end? “There is no end”. Digard was also in Phillips’ THE PLEASURES OF A WOMAN.

ROYAL WARRIORS See: POLICE ASSASSINS

RUBBER’S LOVER (1997 JPN) D/W: SHOZIN FUKUI Fukui’s follow up (actually a prequel) to PINOCCHIO 964 from five years earlier. A group of scientists investigating psychic communication enrage their subject (in a rubber suit) by mistreating a woman sent to shut the project down. He takes revenge by slaughtering the crazy scientists that tortured him and the girl. The subject and her bond emotionally and sexually as the violence escalates. It’s pretty good, but some critics’ claims that it’s a cyberpunk ERASERHEAD are a bit much (and misleading). In b/w.

RUBY (blood ruby) (1977 US) D: CURTIS HARRINGTON/ STEPHANIE ROTHMAN W/P: GEORGE EDWARDS W: BARRY SCHNEIDER/STEVE KRANTZ Harrington started directing an interesting tale of a haunted drive-in cinema (showing ATTACK OF THE 50FT. WOMAN) with some romantic gangster elements mixed in. Then the producers fired him and took over turning this into a mess with a silly CARRIE copy ending (shot by Rothman). Piper Laurie is the star, with Stuart Whitman, Roy Gordon, Roger Davis and Fred Kohler Jr. It’s still worth catching for some interesting moments, though, and it is unusual.

RUCKUS (big ruckus in a small town; ruckus in madoc country; the loner) (1980 US) D/W: MAX KLEVEN P: PAUL MASLANSKY Dirk Benedict is a very dirty (and unconvincing) mental patient escapee ’nam vet passing through a small town where the locals don’t take kindly to him. He befriends ’nam widow Linda Blair while running away from redneck hunters (including comic relief Matt Clark). It’s a much lighter version of FIRST BLOOD, which it predates by two years. But that doesn’t make it any good. Richard Farnsworth is the sheriff and Ben Johnson is Blair’s father-in-law.

RUDE BOY (1980 UK) D/W/P: JACK HAZAN/DAVID MINGAY W: RAY GANGE Gange is a pathetic, lazy fan of The Clash who works in a Soho porno magazine store. He uses his opportunity to roadie for his favourite band to just get drunk, follow them about and try to blag stuff. He also objects to them putting politics in their music. This fascinating docudrama of a very different, turbulent time in recent British history has scary National Front demos and a great scene where Jimmy Pursey (from Sham 69) uses his “oi” voice to help Joe Strummer sing White Riot at an anti-NF open-air benefit concert. You also get to see Strummer play the piano badly and Margaret Thatcher at the start of her reign of terror. This review refers to a 133 mins version; some prints run only 120.

RULE See: URBAN LEGEND

RULE 2 See: URBAN LEGENDS: FINAL CUT

RULE 3 See: WISHCRAFT

RULERS OF THE CITY See: MISTER SCARFACE

RUMBLE IN THE BRONX (hung faan au; gong fan ou) (1995 HK US) D: STANLEY TONG W: EDWARD TANG/FIBE MA MEI PING P: BARBIE TUNG WAN SI Fans of Hong Kong and martial arts cinema like to dump on this Jackie Chan vehicle. Personally I found its mixture of action and comedy more worthwhile than some of Chan’s other features. Chan is a cop vacationing in New York (actually Vancouver) who gets involved with diamond thieves. A hovercraft is used in chase scenes. With Anita Mui, Bill Tung, Françoise Yip, Eddy Ko, Jamie Luk and Yueh Hua. Although there are many unfortunate cuts in the American print (including plot elements), they wisely got rid of Chan singing the theme tune during the end credits and replaced it with Ash’s Kung Fu. It was the first major Chan hit outside of Asia.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN (1996 US) D/W: MARK JONES W/P: JOE RUBY P: MICHAEL PRESCOTT/KEN SPEARS Kim Johnston Urich is an LA cop’s widow whose little boy is in danger from a wisecracking 15th century European fairy tale baby snatcher (Max Grodénchik wearing lots of monster makeup) after she buys an ancient stone carving in an antique shop. She goes on the run with the help of an ultrairritating comic relief sexist talk show host/comedian as Rumpelstiltskin (“guess my name”) follows on a motorcycle and a big truck. With Allyce Beasley as the desperate-for-a-man best friend, Jack McGee and Robert Harvey. Thankfully this did not spawn a sequels franchise like Jones’ similar LEPRECHAUN.

RUN AND KILL (woo sue gei mat dong ngon; wu shu ji mi dang an) (1993 HK) D: BILLY TANG W: BRYAN CHANG/WAI HUNG P: SUEN GING-ON Kent Cheung accidentally hires psychotic Simon Yam to kill his cheating wife. When Cheung refuses to pay up for the deed, his business is burnt down and his grandmother killed. Then the young daughter is kidnapped and the film gets into darker territory. With Danny Lee, Johnny Wang Lung Wei and Melvin Wong. Based on a true story, it’s better than Tang and Lee’s more notorious DR. LAMB. “Fatty” Cheung hums Papa Oo Mow Mow.

RUN ANGEL RUN! (1969 US) D: JACK STARRETT W: JEROME WISH/VALERIE STARRETT/RICHARD COMPTON P: JOE SOLOMON William Smith gets his starring debut in this worthwhile, above average biker flick, where he plays Angel, a former member of the Devil’s Advocates motorcycle chapter, who goes on the run from his old gang after selling an exposé on biker life to a national magazine. Valerie Starrett (the director’s wife, whose little daughter is also in it) goes with him, and finds that domesticating Smith is hard work. I wonder if it was modelled after the beating that Hunter S. Thompson got at the end of his book, Hell’s Angels? With co-writer Compton, Lee de Broux, Margaret Markov, Robert Tessier and a theme tune from Tammy Wynette. Starrett’s fine debut was later eclipsed by his next, the cult classic biker/war hybrid THE LOSERS, also starring Smith and produced by Solomon.

RUNAWAY CAR (out of control) (1997 US) D: JACK SHOLDER W: PAUL F. EDWARDS P: LORI ETTA-TAUB Judge Reinhold and a skateboarder hitch a ride with nurse Nina Siemaszko one day, but the car just won’t stop. A baby is on-board, too, for extra audience manipulation. No SPEED, but ok tv quickie, I guess. With Leon and Monique Edwards.

RUNAWAY NIGHTMARE (1982 US) D/W: MICHAEL CARTEL P: ELDON SHORT Wow! Where to start with this one? A couple of guys (the wisecracking, vaguely Nicolas Cage-like Ralph, played by director Cartel, and Jason, played by Al Valletta) run an insect ranch (worms and snails) in Death Valley. They see a couple of guys bury a box in a shallow grave. They open it up to find a beautiful naked blonde woman (alive). Then a bunch of other women capture them at gunpoint and take them to a ranch populated by only women (one of them punches Ralph out). They tie them up, almost brand them and use them as sex slaves, but they’re eventually initiated (!) into this cult. But they still have to perform menial tasks and are constantly under threat. One mean girl (“every man I’ve touched has died a violent death”) tries to kill Ralph repeatedly (a running joke). The rest of the time they hang around the dark house swapping non sequitors or having inane conversations (the stilted dialogue delivered in the most wooden way is jaw-dropping). Jason seems to be enjoying himself! A pistol duel ends with a trick backfiring gun killing one of the women (“oh wow, man, her head’s all gone”). Other random scenes involve a living portrait and women doing exercises or dancing against stark, black backgrounds, and there’s video inserts of tits over and over again. This thing just gets weirder and weirder… Eventually we discover that the girls are gunrunners (!) who want to steal back a suitcase of platinum (!!) from mobsters with a warehouse in the desert. But it turns out to be plutonium (!?), and the penultimate scene is straight out of the classic KISS ME DEADLY. The very ending involves nuclear waste and (I think) vampirism. Un-fucking-believable! Could it be a twisted sexual fantasy for real weirdos, or “stupid bug farmers”? Who can tell? I liked the large chessboard rug, and the scene where Ralph and Jason discuss their escape plan quite loudly in front of their captor. Cartel (who had a part in PETS) also wrote a crime movie called BITTER HERITAGE. Valletta was also in HOLLYWOOD’S NEW BLOOD (1988) and co-directed 1982’s ALLEY CAT. And where have I heard snatches of the synth score before?

THE RUNAWAYS See: SOUTH BRONX HEROES

RUN DOWN See: RAGE (1995)

THE RUNESTONE (hellguyver) (1990 US) D/W: WILLARD CARROLL P: HARRY E. GOULD JR./THOMAS L. WILHITE An ancient Norse demon escapes from a mine and terrorises pretentious arty types in Manhattan in this kinda fun monster movie with a healthy sense of humour. Peter Riegert stars as the sarcastic swearing cop on the case, with William Hickey, Joan Severance, Alexander Godunov and best of all, Lawrence Tierney as a cynical police chief. Based on a novel by Mark E. Rogers, it was actually filmed in LA. [Illus.]

RUN… IF YOU CAN! (1987 US) D/W/P: VIRGINIA LIVELY STONE W/P: J.A.S. McCOMBIE A student house-sits a big, luxurious home in Beverly Hills. For some reason snuff films turn up on the tv halfway through a late-night movie (it takes her a while to catch on that it’s not the movie). Martin Landau (in a career wilderness) is a cop investigating a series of murders. Fucking stupid, senseless and boring. With Jerry Van Dyke.

RUN LOLA RUN See: LOLA RENNT

RUN NIGGER RUN See: BLACK CONNECTION

RUNNING AGAINST TIME (1990 US) D: BRUCE SETH GREEN W: STANLEY SHAPIRO/ROBERT GLASS P: PAT FINNEGAN/SHELDON PINCHUK Robert Hays believes that if JFK hadn’t been assassinated, his brother wouldn’t have died in Vietnam. So he uses Sam Wanamaker’s time machine to go back and kill Oswald. Of course, things don’t work out that way. This ok tv movie is based on Shapiro’s novel A Time To Remember.

RUNNING COOL (1993 US) D/W/P: BEVERLY AND FERD SEBASTIAN The duo behind ‘GATOR BAIT and others made this Hell’s-Angels-save-the-environment-from-corrupt-cops-and-businessmen movie. The swamps of Carolina are in danger of new development spearheaded by Paul Gleason. Bone (Andrew Divoff, later the WISHMASTER) helps old Ironbutt (James Gammon) keep a hold on his land by organising a biker run. Dedee Pfeiffer is a nice waitress with a leg brace. Unless you’ve always wanted to see a save-our-beach-style kids’ movie with bikers then I’d leave well alone.

RUNNING DELILAH (lady weapon; robospy) (1992 UK) D: RICHARD FRANKLIN W: RON KOSLOW/ ROBERT AVRECH P: MEL EFROS Kim Cattrall is a special agent killed in the line of duty and later resurrected as a cyborg (with her original head and arm). Billy Zane is her partner. They go after bad guys in France. Diana Rigg is their boss. It’s pretty mindless tv-made rubbish, but lightweight enough to bear, and Cattrall and Zane make a good team.

THE RUNNING MAN (1987 US) D: PAUL MICHAEL GLASER W: STEVEN E. de SOUZA P: GEORGE LINDER/ TIM ZINNEMANN Arnold Schwarzenegger is a framed criminal cop in 2019 who has to participate in a popular deadly game show called The Running Man after leading an escape from a high-security penal colony. The game (the highest-rated tv show ever) has the runners having to find their way through sections of a post-nuke city while gladiators (each with their own skill) try to kill them. It’s based on Richard Bachman’s (aka Stephen King) story, but is also indebted to ROME 2072: THE FIGHTER CENTURIONS and the like. There’s enough action and violence, though, while Arnie’s wisecracks are particularly painful. With Richard Dawson as the main villain, Jim Brown, Maria Conchita Alonso, Yaphet Kotto (pretty much a wasted role), Jesse Ventura, Prof. Toru Tanaka, Erland Van Lidth, Mick Fleetwood, Dweezil Zappa, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Eddie Bunker, Kurt Fuller, Ken Lerner, Thomas Rosales Jr. and Lin Shaye. It tries for ROBOCOP-style satire, but rarely succeeds.

RUNNING 7 DOGS (2001 S.KOR) D: KIM JOO-MAN It’s another Tarantino-inspired blackly comic crime movie, although not as bad or as irritating as many others. The screwy, nonlinear plot involves stolen money, a stolen bike, gangsters, cops, assassins, homosexuality caused by brain surgery (!?) and chainsaw dismemberment. No sweat if you miss it, but you could also do worse. Not much credit information was available in English at the time of writing.

RUN OF THE ARROW (hot lead) (1957 US) D/W/P: SAMUEL FULLER Rod Steiger has a very broad Irish accent as a Confederate patriot in post-Civil War America. He’s so opposed to the new ways of his country that he denounces his nationality and becomes a Sioux Indian. Intriguing western is different and good, but can be preachy at times. With Charles Bronson, Jay C. Flippen, Frank DeKova, and Sara Montiel as Sioux, Brian Keith, Ralph Meeker, Tim McCoy, Roscoe Ates, Angie Dickinson, Stuart Randall, Chuck Roberson, Frank O’Connor, Ray Stevens and Carleton Young.

RUN OF THE DEAD See: DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND

RUSH (1983 ITL SPN) D: “ANTHONY RICHMOND” (TONINO RICCI) W: TITO CARPI P: MARCELLO ROMEO “Conrad Nichols” (Luigi Mezzanotte) is muscle-bound hero Rush in a post-nuke world, captured by soldiers and made to work the radioactive land in a greenhouse with other surviving human prisoners. Oppressor Gordon Mitchell doesn’t want the people to know that the land outside is contam-ination-free, but Rush leads a revolt which leads to lots of running about in the woods, gunfire and explosions. This bore actually spawned a sequel, RAGE.

RUSTED BODY See: FEMALE INQUISITOR

RUTHLESS (1948 US) D: EDGAR G. ULMER W: ALAN BESSIE/S.K. LAUREN/GORDON KAHN P: ARTHUR S. LYONS More of a noir drama than a thriller, this thoroughly watchable b/w programmer is about Zachary Scott and his callous, cold-hearted rise to success that’s left love and pity on the wayside. Ulmer completists will appreciate this adaption of Dayton Stoddart’s novel Prelude To Night. Standout is Sydney Greenstreet as a bitter, bankrupted former tycoon. With Louis Hayward, Diana Lynn, Dennis Hoey, Raymond Burr, Charles Evans, Robert Anderson, Edna Holland, Frederick Worlock, Claire Carleton, Harry Cheshire and Douglas Evans.

RUTHLESS IRON HAND See: KUNG FU: THE INVINCIBLE FIST

THE RUTLES See: ALL YOU NEED IS CASH

THE RUTLES 2 See: “CAN’T BUY ME LUNCH”

‘R XMAS (christmas) (2000 US FRA) D/W: ABEL FERRARA W: SCOTT PARDO/CASSANDRA DE JESUS P: PIERRE KALFON Set during Christmas 1993, this is the supposedly true story of an upwardly mobile Latin American couple (with a young daughter) who run a heroin dealing operation in NYC. He (Lillo Brancato) is kidnapped for ransom by Ice T, so she (Drea de Matto) has to come up with a pile of cash so they’ll let him go. Ferrara’s films seem to be getting more and more low-key, getting more and more bad reviews and less and less of a fan base. But I thought ‘R XMAS was an extremely well-told love story that deserved better distribution. With Vic Argo. Between this and his next film, MARY (2005), Ferrara was the subject of Rafi Pitts’ documentary ABEL FERRARA: NOT GUILTY (2003), made for French tv. It follows the man on his nocturnal city ramblings, and is a must for fans (for others, less so).

SABATA (ehi, amico… c’e sabata, hai chiuso!) (1969 ITL) D/W: “FRANK KRAMER” (GIANFRANCO PAROLINI) W: RENATO IZZO P: ALBERTO GRIMALDI Stranger in town Sabata (Lee Van Cleef) retrieves gold stolen from a bank, foiling the plans of a corrupt land baron, who was planning to use it to buy up soon-to-be-valuable land. William Berger as Banjo and Sabata’s sidekicks also get involved in the convoluted plot. This hit western (which led to several imitations) benefits from some great, sometimes cartoonish action set pieces. With Franco Ressel, Romano Puppo, Gianni Rizzo, Luciano Pigozzi, Carlo Tamberlani, Andrea Aureli, John Bartha and Fortunato Arena. THE RETURN OF SABATA (1971) followed.

SABOTAGE (a woman alone; the hidden power; I married a murderer) (1936 UK) D: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: CHARLES BENNETT P: MICHAEL BALCON/ IVOR MONTAGU Immigrant cinema owner Oskar Homolka is also working for the Nazis (never overtly mentioned) as a saboteur to take the focus away from affairs abroad. His wife (Sylvia Sidney) is completely oblivious, but the cheerful, nosy fruit and veg seller next door (John Loder) is in fact an undercover Scotland Yard detective. In a still surprising scene, Homolka gives Sidney’s kid brother a bomb to deliver that blows up on a double-decker bus. It’s an excellent early b/w Hitchcock thriller based on Joseph Conrad’s novel The Secret Agent (filmed under that title in 1996). With Torin Thatcher, Frank Atkinson, popular music hall comedian Albert Chevalier, Charles Hawtrey (later a CARRY ON regular), Hal Gordon, Martita Hunt, Aubrey Mather and Frederick Piper. There’s a clip from Disney’s Who Killed Cock Robin? cartoon short. Screenwriter Bennett ended his career writing for Irwin Allen. Hitchcock made the unrelated SECRET AGENT the same year.

SABOTAGE (1996 CAN) D: TIBOR TAKACS W: RICK FILORI P: MICHAEL STOKES/ANDY EMILIO Mark Dacsacos is an ex-soldier turned bodyguard who uncovers some kind of conspiracy involving the FBI and assassin Tony Todd. Pretty formulaic, but Takacs’ direction is assured (someone should let him run with a decent script and budget), making this watchable enough. With Carrie Anne Moss as a good Fed, Graham Greene as a bad Fed, a wheelchair-bound John Neville, Roman Podhora, Gerry Quigley and some exhilarating bullet-mounted camerawork.

SACRED KNIVES OF VENGEANCE See: THE KILLER (1972)

SACRILEGE (1971 US) D/P: “MICHAEL J. ROGERS” (RAY DENNIS STECKLER) After a long credit sequence seen over a close-up of a dancing woman’s pussy, we cut to the countryside, where the caped seductress transforms into a regular-looking (clothed) woman, who picks up a guy busy reading a book on witchcraft in a field. He meets her pet cat Lucifer, sees subliminal flashes of a creepy man on the couch, and they have sex. Later on, his female friend turns up to pick him up, and the two are drugged and fucked by the woman and that subliminal guy. After a bunch of flashbacks to what we’ve just seen, it ends. 56 mins long. Alpha Blue Archives offer this forgettable hardcore Steckler oddity in colour, while Something Weird Video used to carry a b/w print.

S.A.D. See: BALLISTICA

SADA (1997 JPN) D: NOBUHIKO OBAYASHI W: YUKO NISHIZAWA P: KYOKO OBAYASHI This was the third major movie about Sada Abe after A WOMAN CALLED SADA ABE and the notorious IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES. Rather than simply concentrating on the murder and penis-slicing events chronicled in those two classics, this offbeat and extremely good 130 mins plus release only designates the final 40 mins to her notorious sex saga, the rest being a touching, colourful delving into her life story prior to that point. Hitomi Kuroki is quite brilliant as Abe, especially after I was so used to seeing her on tv as just another chat show/tv commercial celebrity. In b/w and colour, it utilises some audacious techniques that could have sunk it to its surprising advantage. Sometimes it’s slapstick comedy, while other sequences feel like they belong in a Guy Maddin movie. Highly recommended. With Tsurutaro Kataoka, Kyusaku Shimada, Kippei Shina, Bengal, Renji Ishibashi, Toshie Negishi, Tomoroh Taguchi, Norihei Miki, Hisashi Igawa and Riki Takeuchi. Obayashi also made the cult favourite HOUSE (1977), among others.

THE SADIST (profile of terror; sweet charlie baby) (1963 US) D/W: JAMES LANDIS P: L. STEVEN SNYDER Three high school teachers on their way to a baseball game experience car trouble in the desert and pull into a deserted garage/junkyard for help. What they find, however, is a crazed, gun-toting Arch Hall Jr. (modelled after Charles Starkweather) and his girlfriend, fresh and on the run from a killing spree in Arizona. The three teachers are held hostage and forced to work on Hall’s broken-down car. Taut and suspenseful b/w thriller doesn’t quite gel all the way through, but it’s never boring and Hall Jr. is really good in a rare mean role. The cinematography is by William (Vilmos) Zsigmond, and that’s Arch Hall Sr. narrating the opening, by the way. The Halls went on to work for Landis again with THE NASTY RABBIT and DEADWOOD ‘76.

THE SADIST (1972) See: BUMMER!

THE SADISTIC BARON VON KLAUS (la mano de un hombre muerto) (1962 SPN) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO W: PIO BALLESTROS/JUAN COBOS/GONZALO SEBASTIAN DE ENIE Some wisecracking cop and a skirt-chasing reporter try to find a murderer at a remote snow-covered mountain town. Talk of a family curse leads you to suspect the sinister-looking Howard Vernon (in Franco’s THE AWFUL DR. ORLOF the same year). This is a mostly reserved b/w mystery until a sudden outrageous (for the time) topless whipping scene. The ending (in a swamp) is almost poetic and much more memorable than the rest of it. With Angel Menendez and Manuel Alexandre.

SADKO See: THE MAGIC VOYAGE OF SINBAD

SADOASYLUM See: HARDGORE

SADOMANIA (hellhole women; holle der lust) (1980 W.GER SPN) D/W: “ROBERT GRIFFIN” (JESÚS FRANCO) W: GUNTHER EBERT P: LULIO POURA Ajita Wilson is top-billed as the sadistic lesbian warden of a women’s prison camp in one of Franco’s more entertaining and coherent efforts. Topless girls break rocks in the beating sunlight when they’re not being shot as part of manhunts or serviced by governor “Robert Foster” (Antonio Mayans) and his wife. Despite all this and things like a white slave trader announcing “I can get a 12-year-old for 7,000.” it all seems strangely quaint (at least in the Englishdubbed Japanese rental video version I saw). With Ursula Buchfellner, fake-looking crocodiles and lots of sex. It wears thin and begins to get tedious after the first half. Franco appears briefly.

THE SAGA OF THE VIKING WOMEN AND THEIR VOYAGE TO THE WATERS OF THE GREAT SEA SERPENT (viking women and the sea serpent) (1957 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: LOUIS GOLDMAN/ LAWRENCE L. GOLDMAN/IRVING BLOCK The title pretty much sums it up. The tough women travel to a distant shore to find their men missing in battle. There’s barely any monsters. With Jonathan Haze, Gary Conway, Sally Todd, Michael Forest and menacing stock footage of sharks. I’m usually a sucker for early Corman, but this b/w mess seems a hell of a lot longer than just over an hour.

SAIGON (off limits) (1988 US) D/W: CHRISTOPHER CROWE W: JACK THIBEAU P: ALAN BARNETTE Cops Willem Dafoe and Gregory Hines track a hooker killer in US-occupied Vietnam, only to find (surprise, surprise) the trail leads to the military higher-ups. Dull and thoroughly unappealing thriller was filmed in Bangkok. With Fred Ward, Amanda Pays, Scott Glenn and Keith David.

THE SAINT (1997 US) D: PHILIP NOYCE W: JONATHAN HENSLEIGH/WESLEY STRICK P: MACE NEUFELD/ WILLIAM MaCDONALD/DAVID BROWN/ROBERT EVANS Pretty lifeless big-budget mutation of Leslie Charteris’ character (here played by the very badly cast Val Kilmer) concerns Elisabeth Shue’s formula for cold fusion and political upheaval in Russia. Shue is cute, that’s it. With Rade Serbedzija, Alun Armstrong, Michael Byrne, Lev Prygunov, Emily Mortimer, Tommy Flanagan and the voice of Roger Moore (who had been The Saint on tv).

THE ST. FRANCISVILLE EXPERIMENT (francisville experiment) (1999 US) D: TED NICOLAOU P: DANA SCANLAN Awful BLAIR WITCH PROJECT copy has four young students (one is supposedly psychic) exploring a haunted New Orleans mansion with their video cameras. Deformed slaves were chained up, maimed and burned there years before. They all run around, argue, scream and get scared. Pretty annoying. It tries to convince you of its authenticity by having no complete credits. Charles Band was an executive producer.

ST. JOHN’S WORT See: OTOGIRI-SO

THE ST. VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE (1967 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: HOWARD BROWNE Corman looks at how the gang war between Al Capone (Jason Robards)’s organisation and Bugs Moran (Ralph Meeker)’s Northside mob led to the title mass murder of 1929. Narrator Paul Frees tells us who everybody is and what they’re up to. Not bad, but pretty standard stuff with no Corman quirks, and lacking his usual pace. But check out the cast: George Segal, Bruce Dern, Harold J. Stone, John Agar, Richard Bakalyan, Joseph Campanella, Joe Turkel, Milton Frome, Alex D’Arcy, Gus Trikonis, Alex Rocco, Reed Hadley, Tom Signorelli, Dick Miller, Leo Gordon, Jack Nicholson, Russ Conway and Dale Van Sickel. A scene with a baseball bat (based on a true incident) was later copied in De Palma’s THE UNTOUCHABLES (1987). Monte Hellman was dialogue director.

SAKEBI (retribution) (2006 JPN) D/W: KIYOSHI KUROSAWA P: TAKASHIGE ICHINOSE Koji Yakusho is a police detective who half-suspects himself for a series of murders in which the victims are drowned in puddles of saltwater. Ryona Hazuki is a beautiful ghost in red who seems connected. A slow-burning puzzle of a horror movie has some thematic similarities with RING and Kurosawa’s own KAIRO and CURSE, but can stand on its own as a very good, original and effective horror/Armageddon mystery. With Manami Konishi, Tsuyoshi Ihara, Jo Odagiri, Hironobnu Nomura and Ryo Kase. Some very obvious rear-projection driving scenes hint at Kurosawa’s more playful side (see also his previous curiosity, LOFT).

SALAMANDER See: REIGN ON FIRE

’SALEM’S LOT (blood thirst) (1979 US) D: TOBE HOOPER W: PAUL MONASH P: RICHARD KOBRITZ One of Hooper’s better post-TEXAS CHAIN SAW movies is an adaptation of Stephen King’s novel about a NOSFERATU-look vampire (Reggie Nalder) in New England. James Mason gets the Renfield role, David Soul is the hero novelist, and he’s aided by young horror movie buff Lance Kerwin (an idea later copied in things like FRIGHT NIGHT and THE LOST BOYS). With Lew Ayres, Elisha Cook Jr., Fred Willard, Marie Windsor and Kenneth McMillan. It was a four-hour miniseries on tv in the US which shed an hour and gained bloodier scenes for a theatrical release in Europe. The latter is preferable, but both are overlong. With Bonnie Bedelia, George Dzundza, Ed Flanders, Geoffrey Lewis and Barbara Babcock. There was another version in 2004.

SALESMAN (1969 US) D/P: ALBERT and DAVID MAYSLES P: CHARLOTTE ZERWIN Around the same time as Frederick Wiseman was making his debut docs, the Maysles’ and Zerwin (most wellknown for their subsequent GIMME SHELTER) were following a small group of travelling door-to-door Bible salesmen across America. The resulting b/w vérité classic is an intimate and non-judgemental portrayal of broken dreams, false hopes, economic decline and consumer culture at its most askew. Essential stuff.

SALO, OR THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM (salo ou lesizo journees de sodome; salo o le iso giornate ate di sodoma) (1975 ITL FRA) D/W: PIER PAOLO PASOLINI W: SERGIO CITTI/PUPI AVATI (uncredited) P: ALBERTO DE STEFANIS/ANTONIO GIRASANTE/ALBERTO GRIMALDI Pasolini’s notorious final film (it was posthumously released after Pasolini was murdered under mysterious circumstances) may have a lot to say, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it’s a slow, frequently dull film to sit through. Based on the Marquis de Sade’s novel, it’s set in a Fascist WWII Italian village in which four men of power have amassed a group of male and female slaves at their villa. Storytellers get the men aroused before depravity is exacted upon the (masochistic?) peasants. The atrocities (shit eating, beatings, rape) must have inflamed mid-70s middle class arthouses, but some folk were already getting used to the likes of FORCED ENTRY. And the jaded adult video enthusiasts of today will wonder what the fuss is all about. That’s not to say that it isn’t a film to admire (especially the excellent closing scene), but it’s already dated very badly (a point that maybe Pasolini was trying to get across). With Paolo Bonacelli, Laura Betti and music from Ennio Morricone.

THE SALTON SEA (2002 US) D: D.J. CARUSO W: TONY GAYTON P: KEN AGUADO/FRANK DARABONT/ ERIQ LA SALLE/BUTCH ROBINSON Val Kilmer stars as a trumpet-playing “crank” (amphetamine) addict in LA whose actually a police informant and vengeful vigilante who’s wife was murdered. Vincent D’Onofrio has another obnoxious, over-the-top role as Pooh Bear, a crank pusher with a plastic nose. It’s not boring and does have its moments, but Kilmer is miscast and it overstretches itself with unsuccessful attempts at noirish poetry. With Deborah Unger, Luis Guzman, Anthony La Paglia, Adam Goldberg, Glenn Plummer, Doug Hutchison, Peter Sarsgaard, Chandon West, B.D. Wong, R. Lee Remey, Meat Loaf, Shalom Harlow, Shirley Knight, Danny Trejo, Azura Skye and Rex Linn.

SALUTE OF THE JUGGER (the blood of heroes) (1989 AUSL) D/W: DAVID WEBB PEOPLES P: BRIAN ROSEN Rutger Hauer leads a ragtag bunch who play a game akin to medieval rugby in the post-nuke future. The object of the game is to place a dog’s skull on the opposing team’s pole. It’s violent, dangerous and infighting is common, but they eventually get to the finals. Unless you’re interested in the game (I wasn’t), it’s a pretty slow-moving slog. With Joan Chen, Vincent D’Onofrio, Delroy Lindo, Hugh Keays-Byrne and Richard Norton. Peoples wrote BLADE RUNNER.

SAMARITAN ZATOICHI (the blind swordsman samaritan; the blind swordsman and the drums; zatoichi and the drums; zatoichi: fighting drums; zatoichi kenka daiko) (1968 JPN) D: KENJI MISUMI W: KIYOKATA SARUNAKA/HISASHI SUGIURA/ TETSURO YOSHIDA P: HISAZAKU TSUJI Zatoichi (Shintaro Katsu) risks all to save a girl from being sold into prostitution in this lesser (but still highquality) entry in the series. With Makoto Soto, Ko Nishimura, Yoshiko Mitta, Takuya Fujioka, Miyako Chocho, Rokko Tora, Gen Kimura, Shosuke Sugiyama, Kigasue Tamao and Yukio Horikita. Katsu even gets to sing a ballad on the soundtrack this time. It was followed by one of the best in the series, ZATOICHI MEETS YOJIMBO.

SAMSON (sansone; samson contre hercule) (1961 ITL FRA) D/W: GIANFRANCO PARLOLINI W: GIOVANNI SIMONELLI/G. MADISON Brad Harris is Samson and Alan Steel is Macigno (or Millstone) in this familiar peplum tale of a queen having been taken prisoner so that villains (led by Serge Gainsbourg!) can take over the land. Of course, our hearty, muscle-bound heroes stand for none of that, survive an arena battle, and pull down the supporting stone column of a temple. Exactly what you’d expect, and quite passable Sunday afternoon straight sword ’n’ sandal (no fantasy elements) hokum. With “Brigitte Corey” (Luigella Boni) and Carlo Tambulani. Gainsbourg was also in Parolini’s THE FURY OF HERCULES (1962) (along with Harris, Steel and Boni).

SAMSON AND THE 7 MIRACLES OF THE WORLD (goliath and the golden city; la geant à la cour de kubla khan; maciste alla corte del gran khan) (1961 ITL FRA) D: RICCARDO FREDA W: ORESTE BIANCOLI/ DUCCIO TESSARI P: ERMANNO DONATI/LUIGI CARPENTIERI Gordon Scott’s Maciste became Samson in the (cut) US tv English-dubbed print. Garak and his evil Mongols have invaded 13th century China. Samson rescues princess Yoko Tani, fights a tiger and causes an earthquake (!) after he’s buried alive. How someone couldn’t possibly enjoy this kind of bargain-basement epic is beyond me. With Helene Chanel and Franco Ressel. I’m seriously contemplating quitting this critic lark, pumping iron and putting on a miniskirt and body oil for some great adventures!

SAMSON VS. THE VAMPIRES See: MACISTE AGAINST THE VAMPIRE

SAMSON VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN See: SANTO VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN

SAMURAI (1954) See: MUSASHI MIYAMOTO

SAMURAI (1965) See: SAMURAI ASSASSIN

SAMURAI 2 See: DUEL AT ICHIJOJI TEMPLE

SAMURAI 3 See: DUEL AT GANRYU ISLAND

SAMURAI ASSASSIN (samurai) (1965 JPN) D: KIHACHI OKAMOTO W: SHINOBU HASHIMOTO P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA Based on Gunji Jiromesa’s book Samurai Nippon, this absorbing, masterfully told tale of a feudal era conspiracy against the Emperor, and hard-luck-haunted samurai wannabe Toshiro Mifune’s role in it is a must-see for those interested in chambara and good historical thrillers. Hiroshi Murai captures it all with his top-notch b/w photography. A complex web of flashbacks and an involved chain of events do not make it ideal background viewing. Sink in and enjoy. With Keiju Kobayashi, Koshiro Matsumoto, Michiyo Aratama, Yunosuke Ito, Eijiro Tono, Tatsuyoshi Ehara, Tadao Nakamura, Yoshio Inaba, Akihiko Hirata, Eisei Amamoto, Ikio Sawamura, Masanari Sikei, Toshio Kurosawa, Yoshifumi Tajima, Nadao Kirima, Yasuhisa Tsutsumi, Susumu Fuijta, Kazuo Suzuki, Takashi Shimura and Haruko Sugimura. Okamoto made a war movie next the same year (FORT GRAVEYARD) before making what many consider his masterpiece, SWORD OF DOOM (1966).

SAMURAI FICTION (1998 JPN) D: HIROYUKI NAKANO W: HIROSHI SAITO P: HIROTO KIMURA Here’s an attempt at an old-school “chambara” (samurai drama) told in a more modernised way (with current slang being spoken, for example). Tomoyasu Hotei is a ronin who steals the sacred sword of the shogunate and various characters effected by the theft try to retrieve it. Morio Kazama and Mitsuro Fukikoshi are the stars. The impressive supporting cast includes Tamaki Ogawa, Taketoshi Naitoh, Fumiya Fuji (and his mother Naoyuki), Kei Tam, Hiroshi Kanbe, Ken Osawa, Ryoichi Yuki, Akiko Monou, Mari Natsuki and Pierre Taki from the band Denki Groove. It’s a nice idea and does have its moments (and beautiful b/w photography by Yujiro Yajima), but it suffers from the same bad points that countless older chambara movies and tv shows do: Very slow pacing, dull fight choreography and too much talk.

SAMURAI GOLD SEEKERS See: SWORD OF THE BEAST

SAMURAI REBELLION (rebellion; joi-uchi: hairyo tsuma shimatsu) (1967 JPN) D: MASAKI KOBAYASHI W: SHINOBU HASHIMOTO P: TOSHIRO MIFUNE Kobayashi’s classic SEPPUKU was scripted by Hashimoto from a novel by Yasuhiko Takiguchi, and so is this great samurai movie, filmed in beautiful b/w by Kazuo Yamada. In 1725, a selfish daimyo orders expert clan swordsman Toshiro Mifune’s son (Takeshi, or Go Kato) to wed his unwanted, troublesome mistress (Yoko Tsukasa), after she has given him a child. The family reluctantly agree, and all turns out well as Kato and Tsukasa fall for each other. But when the daimyo’s older son dies, the younger one that Tsukasa mothered becomes sole heir, so the daimyo demands her return to his castle. Mifune and Kato take a stand against their unreasonable lord, and the tension will keep you gripped, despite there being barely any action until the final reel. With Tetsuya Nakadai as the only match for Mifune with a sword, Etsuko Ichihara, Jun Hamamura, Tatsuyoshi Ehara, Isao Yamagata, Shigeru Koyama and Takamaru Sasaki.

SANCTIMONY (2000 US GER) D/W/P: UWE BOLL P: SHAWN WILLIAMSON/PAUL COLICHMAN/MARK R. HARRIS A young, successful city stockbroker (Casper Van Dien) kills women with a bow and arrow and slices off parts of their faces while waiting for the police to catch him. Michael Pare and Jennifer Rubin are the detectives on the case. Terrible AMERICAN PSYCHO-inspired nonsense does not benefit from bad actors delivering Boll’s lame excuse for thoughtful dialogue. One scene alludes to snuff movie making. With Catherine Oxenberg, Eric Roberts, Tanja Reichert, Marnie Alton and Nathaniel DeVeaux.

SANCTUARY OF EVIL See: DON’T GO NEAR THE PARK

SANCTUM (2010 US AUSL) D: ALISTER GRIERSON W: JOHN GARVIN W/P: ANDREW WRIGHT An expedition exploring a huge undocumented series of underground caves in Papu New Guinea have to fight for survival against the odds when a typhoon hits and floods the network of tunnels. Richard Roxburgh is the hardened caving veteran who keeps them alive, with Rhys Wakefield as his son, Ioan Gruffudd, Alice Parkinson and Dan Wylie. Good, oldfashioned survival adventure, with enough gripping, intense set pieces to make it well worth your time. Originally 3D in theatres. “Inspired by true events”. James Cameron was the executive producer, and it was shot in Queensland, Australia.

SANDMAN See: MARVELOUS KUNG FU

S&M HUNTER (sm crane chuuzuri; kinbaku sm 18 sai) (1986 JPN) D/W: SHUJI KATAOKA P: DAISUKE ASAKURA A gay man (Bunmei Tobayama) hires the bondage master roper from Hell (Shiro Shimomoto, with a cowboy-like rope belt and pirate eyepatch with a skull on it) to rescue his lover kidnapped by The Bombers girl gang (who use him as a sex toy). He ties them up and they submit to him one-by-one (including leader Ayu Kiyokawa, from FEMALE INQUISITOR). For a 61 mins movie featuring naked Japanese chicks with big tits being tortured, it sure is boring. And the comedy (yes, it’s also a comedy) is not funny. Things do pick up at the end, though, when a schoolgirl trying to join The Bombers (Hiromi Saotome) dons a Nazi storm trooper outfit (complete with cape!) against a swastika backdrop and goes out to confront Shimomoto. She ends up enjoying being bound in ropes and hoisted high above the ground by a crane (this very real stunt is pretty impressive), and then he fucks her. Based on a story by Yoki Haruno. With Yutaka Ikejima as the master of The Pleasure Dungeon. It’s actually the sequel to a movie that Pink Eiga Inc. (who also put this dvd out) has had translated into English as S&M HUNTER BEGINS, but (at the time of writing) has yet to release. It also stars Shimomoto and Saotome in the same roles. Kataoka made the SUBWAY SERIAL RAPE series.

SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972 US) D: BARRY MAHON/R. WINER Mahon’s final feature is so awful that it demands your immediate viewing. I actually saw it for Christmas, but it’s great all year round! A narrator explains how Santa is sitting in his sleigh, stuck on a beach in Florida. He sings a terrible song (“Oh woe is me! Who will come and rescue me?”) and somehow calls a bunch of kids who drop what they’re doing and come and help. They bring a bunch of animals (and a man in a gorilla suit) to help pull the sleigh, but to no avail. Santa then tells the kids a story so they won’t be disheartened, and we see the majority of Mahon’s 1970 feature THUMBELINA (complete with credits), which itself is a film-within-a-film. It’s a musical with big moles and insects and more terrible songs. You also get to see Mahon’s Pirates World theme park (which has some lethal-looking rides). Back at the beach and a man in a bunny outfit drives a small fire truck (!) to Santa’s rescue. The sleigh disappears. Amazing. Think about how Steve McQueen’s character in THE GREAT ESCAPE was based on escaped POW Mahon while watching this wonder.

SANTA CLAUS (1959 MEX) D/W: RENÉ CARDONA W: ADOLFO TORRES PORTILLO P: “WILLIAM” (GUILLERMO) CALDERON Santa (Jose Elias Moreno) lives in a crystal palace in the sky and has kids from all nations who help him. They sing songs while the always ho-hoing Santa plays the organ. The Japanese kids wear kimonos and the African ones play bongos (look for the one in the background with a skull on a stick!). A man in a red devil outfit with horns and a tail is sent by Santa to ruin Christmas, but Santa keeps an eye on him with his magic telescope. Santa also watches kids’ dreams with a dreamscope. A kid with busy, absent parents has a creepy one in which his mother and father are delivered in coffin-like giftwrapped boxes. Before heading to Earth, Santa uses an exercise belt and a training chimney! His reindeer are wind-up robots. The Russian kids suggest swapping them for Sputniks. K. Gordon Murray (who narrates the English dub) brought this longtime cult favourite to the children of America and it’s been warping young minds for years. With Guillermo Bravo Sosa, Queta Lavat, Armando Arriola and Paolo Ortin. Some “politically correct” prints omit the African kids, but don’t miss the uncut (!) SANTA CLAUS.

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (santa claus defeats the aliens) (1964 US) D: NICHOLAS WEBSTER W: GLENVILLE MARETH W/P: PAUL L. JACOBSON On Mars the (green) kids (including little Pia Zadora) grow to maturity very quickly and don’t experience a real childhood. Watching tv broadcasts from Earth near Christmas, they become depressed, restless and won’t eat. The leader of the Martians decides that “Earth has had Santa Claus long enough”, and an expedition goes to kidnap him (and a couple of Earth kids). The always jolly Santa complies and runs their automated toy factory. But one Martian with a moustache (who’s hilariously grumpy) thinks it’s all stupid and plots to get rid of Santa Claus. Of course, it all ends happily for both planets. “Hooray for Santa Claus”! With a man-in-a-suit polar bear, food pills and the headline “Santa Claus Kidnapped By Martians!” (and lots of stock footage). And how about that robot Torg! Sure it’s silly and cheap, but this has been picked on for too long. I’m sure I would have loved it even more as a kid, it’s pretty fun.

SANTA CLAUS DEFEATS THE ALIENS See: SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS

SANTA CLAWS (‘tis the season) (1996 US) D/W/P: JOHN RUSSO P: BOB MICHELUCCI/JACK SMITH Scream Queen Debbie Rochon has to look after her kids while her cheating husband is away contemplating divorce. While shooting SCREAM QUEEN NAKED CHRISTMAS (an actual tape released at the same time), she lets her kindly seeming but obsessive, psycho neighbour (and fan) babysit. He turns out to be a masked killer of other half-naked models. This pathetic movie steals some music from Russo’s MIDNIGHT and features NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD cast members Karl Hardman, Bill Hinzman (who also did the photography) and Marilyn Eastman. Russo also appears briefly as a cop.

SANTA SANGRE (1989 MEX ITL) D/W: ALEJANDRO JODOROWSKY W/P: CLAUDIO ARGENTO W: ROBERTO LEONI Jodorowsky’s son Axel stars as a circus kid who comes to be dominated by his armless mother (Blanca Guerra, she’s excellent) and made to kill women after a series of bizarre traumatic events. Partially based on the life of a real Mexican serial killer and on director Jodorowsky’s own life (he had grown-up in a circus environment), and heavily influenced by Tod Browning’s THE UNKNOWN (and, to a certain extent, THE HANDS OF ORLAC), this manages to transcend them all to become a unique, fascinating original. It’s filled with incredible scenes, but the one that sticks in my mind is the elephant funeral. Dean Stockwell’s brother Guy has an important role as a big, tough, grizzled, womanising father figure. René Cardona Jr. (NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES) backed this. A must-see.

SANTA’S SLAY (2005 US) D/W: DAVID STEIMAN P: BRETT RATNER/SAMMY LEE/DOUGLAS S. STEEDEN/MATTHEW LEONETTI JR. A teen who doesn’t like Christmas (Douglas Smith) and his girlfriend (Emilie De Ravin) discover that Santa (WWF’s Bill Goldberg) is an evil fallen angel who lost a bet with Smith’s ageless inventor grandfather (Robert Culp), so has had to act nice for the last 1,000 years. But that time has expired and Santa becomes a killing machine who decapitates kids and gives exploding presents! This never quite lives up to its funny, violent opening (featuring James Caan), but overall not a bad tongue-in-cheek B movie, as long as you don’t expect too much. With Fran Dresche, Rebecca Gayheart, Tiny Lister, Chris Kattan and Saul Rubinek. It was shot in Alberta, Canada, and ends with Jim Diamond’s Pop Monster’s very Ramones-like song Bye Bye Santa.

SANTA VISITS THE LAND OF MOTHER GOOSE See: THE MAGIC LAND OF MOTHER GOOSE

SANTO VS. THE MARTIAN INVASION (santo el enmascardo de plata vs la invasion de los marcianos) (1967 MEX) D: ALFREDO B. CREVENNA W: RAPHAEL GARCIA TRAVESI P: ALFONSO ROSAS PRIEGO Masked wrestler El Santo stars in his 16th feature. Bare-chested Martian men with capes and helmets arrive on Earth to warn the citizens of Mexico of the dangers of nuclear testing. They transmit their message via tv sets, but everyone laughs, thinking it’s a comedy sketch. To show they mean business, they materialise in public places (including a wrestling arena, of course) and make people disappear with the “astral eye” on their helmets. They need special pills to survive in our atmosphere. One of the more enjoyable, goofy Santo flicks. In b/w, with Wolf Ruvinskis, Consuelo Frank, Alicia Montoya, Mario Sevilla, Nathanael Leon, Sergio Ramos and Nicolas Rodriguez.

SANTO VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN (the saint against the vampire women; samson vs the vampire women; el santo contra las vampiras; santo vs las mujeres; supermen contre les femmes vampires; el santo contra las mujeres vampiros) (1962 MEX) D/W: ALFONSO CORONA BLAKE W: RAFAEL GARCIA TRAVESI/ANTONIO ORELLANO/FERNANDO OSES P: LUIS GARCIA DE LEON Silver-masked wrestling hero Santo comes to the rescue when queen of the vampires Lorena Velazquez wants to claim the soul of Maria Duval, the virgin daughter of Prof. Orlof (Augusto Benedico). Co-writer and pro wrestler Oses, Guillmero Hernandez and Nathanael Leon are her muscly vampire assistants (who can turn into bats). This b/w entry in the Santo series (the seventh in fact) has some good spooky atmosphere, but is mostly talk and filler wrestling scenes. I liked seeing El Santo (or Samson in the K. Gordon Murray prepared English-language dub) driving an open-top car. With Jaime Fernandez, Victor Velazquez and Alfredo Wally Barron. Bill Rogers (the star of A TASTE OF BLOOD) is one of the English-dubbed voices.

SANTO VS THE ZOMBIES (invasion of the zombies; santo contra los zombies) (1961 MEX) D/W: BENITO ALAZRAKI W: ANTONIO ORELLANA/FERNANDO OSES P: ALBERTO LOPEZ This early b/w Santo (real name Randolfo Guzman Huerta) adventure is his third (after BRAIN OF EVIL and SANTO VS THE INFERNAL MEN). Armando Silvestre is a cop and wrestling fan who asks Santo to help him when a scientist working in zombie research goes missing. Sexy former Miss Mexico Lorena Velazquez is the daughter in danger. Corpses are controlled from the villain’s lair by transmitter belts and are made to commit robberies. In one scene, Santo (called The Saint in the English-language version) actually wrestles one reanimation (played by storywriter Oses). The Mexican wrestling superhero genre has its fans, and some of the wilder entries could make you one. But this entry is pretty tedious, with way too much in-the-ring action undercutting the serial-style suspense. With Jaime Fernandez, Dagoberto Rodriguez, Carlos Agosti and Ramon Bugarini.

SARDONICUS See: MR. SARDONICUS

SASQUATCH: THE LEGEND OF BIGFOOT (1977 US) D: ED RAGOZZINO W: ED HAWKINS/RONALD D. OLSON P: JOHN FABIAN This rarity is a narrated docudrama look at an expedition searching for Bigfoot in the Northwestern America/Canadian wilderness. The camp cook provides comic relief between scenes of a man-in-a-suit stalking in the distance. Having read about how this was head and shoulders above other similar speculation flicks of the era, I was disappointed to find that it’s not much better than the likes of THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK. Like that hit, it has lots of quality nature footage.

SASSY SUE (1972 US) D/W: “BETHEL G. BUCKALEW” (PETER PERRY) P: HARRY H. NOVAK I love this silly, sexy, sleazy hillbilly sexploitation comedy. Ma, Pa and Junior run a farm cum gas station, and also sell moonshine and toilet seats! There’s cornball humour and fuckin’ aplenty, and even some whipping and cow bestiality! Two of the chicks who don’t seem to mind rollin’ around in the dirt are future porn stars Sharon Kelly and Sandy Carey. With Forman Shane (aka Harvey Forman). Yeeeh-hah! Novak’s Box Office International also released THE PIG KEEPER’S DAUGHTER, SWEET GEORGIA and PLEASE DON’T EAT MY MOTHER the same year.

SATAN (1970) See: MARK OF THE DEVIL

SATAN (1974) See: SEYTAN

SATAN AT PLAY (satan s’amuse) (1907 FRA) D/W SEGUNDO DE CHOMON The Devil puts on a filmed magic show, shrinking and bottling women in this great colour tinted silent 10 mins short.

THE SATAN BUG (1965 US) D/P: JOHN STURGES W: EDWARD ANHALT/JAMES CLAVELL A highly lethal virus is stolen from a research laboratory and the world is held to ransom in this slick but overlong adaption of “Ian Stuart” (Alistair MacLean)’s novel. With Richard Basehart, Anne Francis, Dana Andrews, Edward Asner, John Anderson, James Hong, James Doohan, Russ Bender, Harry Lauter, Harold Gould and John Hubbard.

THE SATANISTS See: WHITE ANGEL… BLACK ANGEL

THE SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA (count dracula and his vampire bride) (1973 UK) D: ALAN GIBSON W: DON HOUGHTON P: ROY SKEGGS Hammer’s final Christopher Lee Dracula movie has a fascinating plot (Lee disguises himself as a tycoon in order to obtain a deadly plague and wipe out the human race so that he will have nothing left to feed on and can finally die), but is pretty ridiculous, and Lee’s final demise (by thorn bush) is a terrible anticlimax. A satanic cult of bikers has chained up female vampires in a basement. Peter Cushing gives it his usual all as Van Helsing. With Joanna Lumley, Richard Vernon, Freddie Jones and Patrick Barr.

SATAN’S BED (judas city) (1965 US) D: “JULIAN MARSH” (MICHAEL FINDLAY)/MARSHALL SMITH/ TAMIJIAN P: ROGER WILSON/JERRY BURKE Findlay’s second feature (after BODY OF A FEMALE) is actually an unfinished movie by Tamijian that he added a few extra scenes to later, so not surprisingly it’s not among his best (I’m not sure what Smith directed, incidentally). A prestardom Yoko Ono stars as a Japanese woman just arrived in NYC (in her kimono). Her husband-to-be is an immigration officer who’s told his drug-pushing associates that he ain’t gonna work for them anymore. They kidnap Ono, keep her prisoner, take her money and she’s raped (offscreen). Meanwhile a roaming gang of junkies break into houses, rape and get women hooked on the needle. These girls provide the nudity. The b/w location photography is the best thing about this. With Robert Williams. Roberta Findlay (“Anna Riva”) did the lighting, and appears onscreen, as does her husband.

SATAN’S BLACK WEDDING (1974 US) D/W: “PHILLIP MILLER” (NICK MILLARD) P: TAMARA BROWN A Hollywood actor returns to his Monterey home town after the bloody suicide of his sister. He attempts to find out why she did it. An impostor priest at an old church talks to him, and turns out to be a vampire with oversized teeth (the actor drools at one point because the teeth are too big). The sister is also now a vampire. It ends abruptly before the title wedding (one assumes it was not filmed; Millard doesn’t mention it on the bonus Shriek Show dvd interview). Sixty-two atmospheric but dull minutes, originally on a theatrical double bill with Millard’s CRIMINALLY INSANE.

SATAN’S BLADE (1984 US) D/W: L. SCOTT CASTILLO JR. W: THOMAS CUE Lodgers at a ski resort are picked off by a killer. There’s a legend about a ghostly mountain giant with a cursed knife. Another dull slasher flick that’ll send you to sleep. [Illus.]

SATAN’S BLOOD (don’t panic; escalafrio) (1977 SPN) D/W: CARLOS PUERTO D: JUAN PIQUER SIMON (uncredited) P: FRANCISCO ARIZA A couple (she’s pregnant, he resembles Ralph Bates) are enjoying a day out in the city of Madrid with their dog, when a couple that claim to know them invite them back to their remote, big country home. The obviously weird hosts bring out a Ouija board and stop their guests from leaving. The dog dies, and soon there are human fatalities. A creepy doll comes to life. The surprise ending confirms that it’s a never-ending nightmare. Pretty silly exploitation movie with lots of nudity and some gore is passable nonsense of the era, but I wouldn’t go out of your way for it. Executive producer J.P. Simon has been responsible for several other, truly unmissable trash classics. With Luis Barboo.

SATAN’S BLOODY FREAKS See: DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN

SATAN’S CHEERLEADERS (1977 US) D/W: GREYDON CLARK W/P: ALVIN L. FAST After they tease him, a Satanist voyeur school janitor (Jack Kruschen) makes sure that four promiscuous cheerleaders (and their extremely nice and naive teacher) make a detour en route to a big game, and end up chased by backwoods Satanists led by sheriff John Ireland and wife Yvonne De Carlo. This extremely silly, comedic time-waster with mild semi-nude tease scenes and a freewheeling make-it-up-as-you-go-along attitude may amuse if you’re in the mood, but I can’t help feeling that with more conviction in the T&A and horror/violence departments, this could have been so much better. John Ireland has an extended cameo as a bum. Clark and Fast had already made THE BAD BUNCH (1973) and BLACK SHAMPOO together.

SATAN’S DAUGHTER See: VAMPYRES

SATAN’S PLAYTHING See: IN THE DEVIL’S GARDEN

SATAN’S SADISTS (nightmare bloodbath) (1969 US) D/W/P: AL ADAMSON W: “DENNIS WAYNE” (GREYDON CLARK) In one of Adamson’s better films, ex-Marine Gary Kent and a waitress end up in the desert and on the run from a motorcycle gang they witnessed raping and killing a cop and his wife. The gang is led by Russ Tamblyn who wrote some great dialogue for himself. Other members of the gang include Scott Brady, John “Bud” Cardos, Robert Dix, Greydon Clark and Regina Carrol. With Kent Taylor. Cardos was also the unit manager, Gary Graver was the photographer and editor, and Al’s dad Victor (aka Denver Dixon) assisted a lot with everything. It has a major cult following, and I guess it is a drive-in classic of its kind.

SATAN’S SATELLITES See: ZOMBIES OF THE STRATOSPHERE

SATAN’S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS (1973 US) D: DAVID LOWELL RICH W: ARTHUR A. ROSS P: LEONARD GOLDBERG/AARON SPELLING In this typical Spelling tv production, Pamela Franklin poses as a new student at an all girls’ school of art to find out why her sister committed suicide. Lloyd Bochner is the teacher that all the girls have a crush on, and who turns out to be a satanic cult leader. With Kate Jackson and Cheryl Ladd (Stoppelmoor). This slice of ho-hum was remade in 2000.

SATAN’S SLAVE (evil heritage) (1976 UK) D: NORMAN J. WARREN W: DAVID McGILLIVRAY P: LES YOUNG/RICHARD CRAFTER A young woman with premonitions goes to her uncle’s country estate with her parents. But they both die in a car crash and the uncle (Michael Gough) and his son and secretary could be part of a necromancy coven. Mildly effective chiller has a badly dated surprise ending but is not bad (and there’s a little gore). However, the critical popularity of a Warren title like this as opposed to the superior yet unfairly dismissed PREY is beyond me.

SATAN’S SUPPER See: CATACLYSM

SATAN WAR (1979 US) D/W/P: BART LA RUE A narrator reads a based-on-a-true-story disclaimer and then introduces the main story while mentioning Christianity, Satan worship and demons. A married couple move into a new house. Objects move by themselves, foul-smelling gunk oozes in the kitchen, the wife is molested by invisible hands, and a hooded figure wields a knife (not to mention my favourite, flames shooting from an open newspaper). It’s an extremely slow-moving story with a loud, repetitive synth score, and in the end they just run away. Having eaten away only 60 mins of running time (which seems like at least four), the remaining 16 mins of this very cheap, unbearably dull obscurity feature a “voodoo ceremony” (people dance around a fire to bongo music, but the synth can still be heard). The narrator explains what’s happening. Finally, mercifully, it ends.

SATURN 3 (1980 UK) D/P: STANLEY DONEN D/W: JOHN BARRY (uncredited) W: MARTIN AMIS Kirk Douglas and Farah Fawcett live and work on the third moon of Saturn where they make hydroponic food for a dying Earth. Harvey Keitel is a psycho on the run who arrives there under the guise of an inspector wanting to make things more productive. Keitel (with his dubbed English accent) has a robot named Hector. Hector absorbs all his knowledge and experience from Keitel, including a jealous craving for Fawcett. A stalking killer robot is the inevitable result in this ok but slow-moving and unsatisfying sci-fi thriller. Barry conceived the story and started shooting, but was replaced by Donen.

SAURIANS (1994 US) D/W/P: MARK ALAN PALONIA Palonia, a female assistant and some whining guy with a moustache look for fossils near a quarry. An explosion releases some prehistoric monsters. The post-dubbed dialogue is so bad it’s almost comical, there’s a little gore and also uniformly awful FX.

SAVAGE! (black valor; the technician) (1973 US PHIL) D/P: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO W: ED MEDARD P: ROGER CORMAN (uncredited) At the height of the blaxploitation boom, former Pittsburgh Pirates ballplayer James Inglehart went to the Philippines to star in three flicks for Santiago (and, by extension, Corman). The others were BAMBOO GODS AND IRON MEN and FIGHTING MAD). This one (released by New World) stars him as a mercenary who is captured by, and ends up leading, rebel freedom fighters (along with Carol Speed from ABBY). It’s pretty forgettable. With Vic Diaz and Ken Metcalfe.

THE SAVAGE See: IN HELL

SAVAGE ABDUCTION (cycle psycho; numbered days) (1972 US) D/W/P: JOHN LAWRENCE This one begins with psycho Joseph Turkel sneaking into a suburban Hollywood home, killing a housewife and fucking the body. Turns out that lawyer Tom Drake hired him to off his wife. Turkel (who hangs out with and stabs mannequins at his apartment) changes their deal and blackmails Drake to supply him with two young girls to murder. Drake hires a biker and his cronies to supply the girls, which is easy when a couple of ever so innocent cuties from the country hitch a ride from them. The bikers try to have their wicked way with them before handover time, but don’t get much done. When informed that they’ll get $10,000 one of them says, “we could live forever on that”. To justify the crime, Drake surmises “it’s only a matter of time before legalised extermination is needed to keep the rest of us alive!” Turkel makes a good psycho, and he also makes this mediocre drive-in relic worth the watch. Stafford Repp (Chief O’Hara in the BATMAN tv series) has his final role. Lawrence also co-directed FREE GRASS, and wrote THE INCREDIBLE 2-HEADED TRANSPLANT and THE GLORY STOMPERS for Tony Lanza.

SAVAGE APOCALYPSE See: CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE

SAVAGE BEASTS See: WILD BEASTS

SAVAGE BEACH (picasso trigger) (1989 US) D/W/P: ANDY SIDARIS P: ARLENE SIDARIS Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton are teamed for the third and final time in a Sidaris movie (after HARD TICKET TO HAWAII and PICASSO TRIGGER) as DEA agents who fly a cargo plane around the Hawaiian islands. They’re forced to land on a small, deserted island where a lone Japanese soldier from the war (!) is still protecting some missing gold. Other cronies are also after the treasure in this typically silly but kinda entertaining mix of tits, guns, explosions and bad wisecracks. With Bruce Penhall, Teri Weigel (later in porno), Patty Duffek and James Lew. Speir returned in other Sidaris movies but Carlton did not. A RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH followed years later.

SAVAGE HARVEST (1981 US) D/W: ROBERT E. COLLINS W: ROBERT BLEES/KEN NOYLE W/P: RALPH HELFER P: SANDY HOWARD Tom Skerritt and Michelle Phillips (from The Mamas And The Papas) top-bill this post-JAWS fear-of-nature thriller set on a plantation in Kenya where lions and tigers surround a bunch of characters barricaded in a house. The animal attack scenes are good and suspenseful, it’s just a shame that the humans are so boring. “Based on actual events”.

THE SAVAGE ISLAND See: ANTHROPOPHAGUS THE BEAST

SAVAGE KILLERS See: TIGER AND CRANE FISTS

SAVAGE MAN…SAVAGE BEAST (great hunting; savage temptation; zumbalah; la grande caccia; ultime grida dalla savanna: la grand caccia) (1974 ITL) D/W: ANTONIO CLIMATI/ MARIO MORRA Pretty useless mondo movie concerned with hunting has lots of footage of animals being mistreated, killed and eaten, a man eaten by lions (faked) and another is shot, castrated and scalped (also fake, but the gore FX are pretty convincing). Complete with the prerequisite sappy mondo theme song and opinionated (but confused) narration.

THE SAVAGE SEVEN (1968 US) D: RICHARD RUSH W: MICHAEL FISHER/ROSALIND ROSS P: DICK CLARK A biker gang led by Adam Roarke get involved in a long-running feud of resentment between Native Indians and white folk in a small desert town. I like the fact that there are no clear-cut good or bad guys in this biker movie, but it hasn’t really aged very well. The cast is pretty interesting, though: Legendary twang guitarist Duane Eddy, Larry Bishop as Joint, Max Julien as Indian Grey Wolf, John “Bud” Cardos, Chuck Bail, Billy Green Bush, Beach Dickerson, Gary Kent and Penny Marshall (her debut) as Tina! László Kovács was the photographer. Rush (who made HELL’S ANGELS ON WHEELS prior to this) delivered the hippy classic PSYCH-OUT the same year (also with Julien).

SAVAGE SLAUGHTER See: CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE

SAVAGE SISTERS (1974 US PHIL) D/P: EDDIE ROMERO W: HARRY Y. CORNER/H. FRANCO MOON P: JOHN ASHLEY Gloria Hendry is the interrogation officer at an island prison camp who busts out Rosanna Oritz and Cheri Caffaro so they can steal Sid Haig and Vic Diaz’s hidden fortune. It’s 70s drivein entertainment at its finest, filled with action, great dialogue and serious attitude. Ashley has a good part as a playboy, with Dindo Ferando, Joonee Gamboa and Eddie Garcia. Recommended.

SAVAGE TEMPTATION See: SAVAGE MAN…SAVAGE BEAST

SAVAGE WEEKEND (the upstate murders; the killer behind the mask) (1976 US) D/W/P: “CLADE PUSHKIN” (DAVID PAULSEN) D/P: JOHN MASON KIRBY (uncredited) Some middle-class rat race types go from Manhattan on a vacation at an upstate cabin in the woods to oversee a boat-building in a barn by hick handyman William Sanderson. Someone in a rubber horror mask starts killing them off one-byone. Despite death by chainsaw and a branding, it’s all pretty bloodless and there’s minimum (topless) nudity. When the killer is unmasked, it’s a surprise, but an unlikely one. Most reference books have this not bad slasher flick (made years before the early 80s saturation) as a 1979 production, which is incorrect (it wasn’t even released until 81). If you consider that it’s from 76, it means it’s David Gale’s feature debut. The British-born minor cult figure from 80s favourites like RE-ANIMATOR and THE BRAIN started late in life yet could have been an ageing horror star, but died of a heart attack in 1991. Here he has a substantial role as a suspect lumberman. It was also 6-year-old Yancy Butler’s debut. Cannon released this, and Paulsen’s Klaus Kinski vehicle SCHIZOID.

SAVAGE WOLF PACK See: YAJU O KESE

SAVE THE GREEN PLANET (2003 S.KOR) D/W: JEONG JUN-HWAN P: CHAN SEOUNG-JAE/RO JONGYOON Ha-Kyun Shin (SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE) and his overweight tightrope walker female assistant kidnap wealthy tycoon Yun-shik Baek because the deranged, traumatised-seeming Shin is convinced that he’s the important cog in an alien conspiracy to destroy the Earth. What could have been a young director’s overzealous debut attempt at a cook-from-frozen cult classic wannabe with its genre-hopping agenda is in fact an arresting, original and emotional rollercoaster that does have the all-important heart and soul that make it work. Now there’s an abstract, non-enlightening review for you! But to say any more really would spoil this little gem for you. Check it out. With Ju-bong Gi.

THE SAVIOUR OF THE SOUL (terrible angel; gau yat san diu hap lui; jiu yi shen diao xia lu) (1991 HK) D: YUEN KWAI D/P: DAVID LAI W: JEFF LAU/CHUN WAI P: CHAN POOI WA Silver Fox (Aaron Kwok in a metal half-mask) vows to avenge the death of a friend at the hands of Anita Mui (in a dual role). Andy Lau and Kenny Bee are mercenaries in love with Mui. The romantic, melodramatic backstory kind of made sense when I watched it, but I’ll be buggered if I can explain it now. But the plot is for the birds anyway, what most want to know about this one is the kinetic action on display. Pretty wild when it was new, the action is still impressive yet somehow dated enough to not really rock your world anymore. After that’s gone, all you have left is the insipid story. (Cory) Yuen Kwai has a part.

SAVIOUR OF THE SOUL 2 (gau yee san diu ji chi san ching cheung kim; jiu er shen diao zhi chi xin qing chang jian) (1992 HK) D: CORY YUEN KWAI W: KIM YIP/JOHN CHAN P: CHAN POOI WAN You might enjoy parts of this broad comedy/heavy drama “sequel”, Andy Lau (with his incredibly flexible sword) is the only returning cast member who embarks on a mission to find holy water in the holy ice mountain with a young boy and an inventor (director Yuen) as companions. Richard Ng is the hairy villain and Rosamund Kwan is the love interest ice angel. Silly (but sometimes funny) comedy sketches include a magic magnifying glass, a surreal snooker game and even a GOD OF GAMBELRS spoof. The nice locations are in Canada. The soundtrack is pilfered from A BETTER TOMORROW.

SAW (2003 US AUSL) D/W: JAMES WAN W: LEIGH WHANNELL P: MARK BURG/GREGG HOFFMAN/ OREN KOULES Doctor Cary Elwes and screenwriter Whannell wake up to find themselves trapped in a derelict old restroom chained to pipes on the wall. There’s a dead body lying on the floor, and a tape recorder informs them that Elwes must somehow kill Whannell to save his wife and child, while Whannell must fight for his life to prove his worth. Endless flashbacks show this to be the work of a serial killer who has a history of putting victims through similar tests (Shawnee Smith appears to relate a grisly flashback within a flashback). Low on logic, cohesive storytelling skills and decent performances, and way too pumped up on stylish overkill, this still manages to be an enjoyable and highly engaging thriller (expanded from a short film) with gimmicky twists and surprises (the big one at the end makes no sense if you let it sink in). You’ll forget it soon after, but you could do a lot worse than looking past the shortcomings and enjoying the ride of an evening. With Danny Glover, Dina Meyer, Ned Bellamy and Tobin Bell. The MPAA insisted on cuts for an R. A major hit, so endless sequels followed.

SAW II (2005 US CAN) D/W: DARREN LYNN BOUSMAN W: LEIGH WHANNELL P: MARK BURG/GREGG HOFFMAN/OREN KOULES Bousman wrote a script he couldn’t sell, but managed to shoehorn it into a sequel to the hit SAW. It’s a step down from the already daft original, but worse was to follow. I was genuinely surprised by the nasty pit-of-syringes test, one of several engineered by Jigsaw (Tobin Bell). With Donnie Wahlberg, Shawnee Smith, Glenn Plummer, Franky G, Dina Meyer and Emmanuelle Vaugier. The series was shot in Toronto from here on. Next was…

SAW III (2006 US CAN) D: DARREN LYNN BOUSMAN W: LEIGH WHANNELL P: MARK BURG/GREGG HOFFMAN/OREN KOULES Previous entries may have been nothing special, but at least they knew their place as trashy, brainless gore flicks. This overserious bore tries to create a (contrived) backstory and takes itself way too seriously. There are some gory set pieces of course, but that doesn’t mean they can get away with it. Ends with a set-up for part 4. With Tobin Bell, Shawnee Smith, Donnie Wahlberg, Dina Meyer. Betsy Russell, Costas Mandylor and Whannell.

SAW 3D (saw: the final) (2010 US CAN) D: KEVIN GREUTERT W: PATRICK MELTON/MARCUS DUNSTON P: MARK BURG/OREN KOULES Rejoice! The series finally comes to an end (with part 7). Unless you’re a series fanboy (or girl) it’ll seem like a plotless series of gory set pieces (which it is really), but diehards see previous characters resurrected and plot threads tied up. At first I found the opening scene promising, the ridiculous gore colourful and H.G. Lewis-like, but it soon devolves into the usual murky motions. With Cary Elwes, Costas Mandylor, Betsy Russell, Sean Patrick Flanery, James Van Patten and Tobin Bell as Jigsaw for the last time. It was originally in (unremarkable) 3D in theatres.

SAW IV (2007 US CAN) D: DARREN LYNN BOUSMAN W: PATRICK MELTON/MARCUS DUNSTON/ THOMAS FENTON P: MARK BURG/GREGG HOFFMAN/ OREN KOULES The greedy franchise gets sillier and less and less interesting as a tape in the guts of the deceased Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) reveals a new world of posthumous booby traps set in advance (cue SAW V), and fills in some backstory for diehard fans. With Costas Mandylor, Betsy Russell, Angus Macfayden, James Van Patten, Donnie Wahlberg, Shawnee Smith and Dina Meyer.

SAW V (2008 US CAN) D: DAVID HACKL W: PATRICK MELTON/MARCUS DUNSTON P: MARK BURG/ GREGG HOFFMAN/OREN KOULES Bottom-of-the-barrel scraping entry as Costas Mandylor (who I have to keep reminding myself is not Michael Pare) takes over the reins from Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) as the all-seeing punisher who sets up gory set piece traps. With Betsy Russell, Mark Rolston, Meagan Good and Al Sapienza. Alas…

SAW VI (2009 US CAN UK AUSL) D: KEVIN GREUTERT W: PATRICK MELTON/MARCUS DUNSTON P: MARK BURG/OREN KOULES There’s a fun, silly and hysterical opening set piece and some good torture ’n’ gore devices in this slightly better than previous entry which concentrates on the punishment of health insurance company crooks. With Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Mark Rolston, Betsy Russell, Shawnee Smith, Peter Outerbridge and James Van Patten. Finally came SAW 3D.

SAWBONES See: PRESCRIPTION FOR MURDER

SAW: THE FINAL See: SAW 3D

SCALPS (1982 US) D/W: FRED OLEN RAY W: T.L. LANKFORD JOHN RAY P: “THE EEL” Ray made this one after THE ALIEN DEAD. A small group of students dig for ancient Indian artefacts on cursed ground. An evil spirit kills them off. There’s some minor gore (present in both the full version and the slightly trimmed video release that was on a tape with THE SLAYER). Some moments are almost creepy, but overall this is pretty bad. Kirk Alyn, Forry Ackerman and Carroll Borland (from MARK OF THE VAMPIRE) have cameos.

SCALPS (VENGANZA INDIA) (sie kampft wie ein mann) (1987 ITL W.GER SPN) D/W: “WERNER KNOX” (BRUNO MATTEI) W: JOSE MARIA CUNILIES/RICHARD HARRISON Comanche Chief Black Eagle (Charlie Bravo) and his people are slaughtered by Confederate soldiers led by “Albert Farley” (Alberto Farnesc). His daughter is kidnapped but manages to escape, and is aided by an ex-soldier widower trying to lead a peaceful life. This largely boring western (possibly shot in 1984, back to back with Mattei’s WHITE APACHE) has the reputation of being a violent gorehound’s treat (akin to passages from Cormac McCarthy’s novel Blood Meridian), but this is quite simply not the case. Claudio Fragasso (aka “Clyde Anderson”) was the assistant director. Read that McCarthy book instead.

SCAM (1992 US) D: JOHN FLYNN W: CRAIG SMITH P: DAVID LANCASTER Lorraine Bracco is a smalltime thief who picks up men in hotel bars, puts something in their drink, and steals their valuables when they fall unconscious. Christopher Walken rumbles her and takes her to Miami where she’s to steal a computer disk from Martin Donovan. With Miguel Ferrer as Bracco’s outed associate, Erick Avaris and Skipp Sudduth. Smith adapted his own novel Ladystinger into a twisty, turny script and Flynn directs with professionalism. The result is an above average thriller that’s worth a look if it turns up on your tv.

SCANNER COP (scanners: new age) (1993 CAN) D/W/P: PIERRE DAVID W: GEORGE SAUNDERS/ JOHN BRYANT Daniel Quinn stars as a policeman who’s suppressed his scanning powers (see SCANNERS) with a drug called Ephemerol. He stops taking the drug to help solve a series of crimes where normal people have suddenly decided to kill uniformed cops. Richard Lynch is the villain behind it all who administers hallucination-inducing injections. Pretty good, actually, and the final showdown between Quinn and Lynch is intense. With Luca Bercovici, Brion James in a small part as a psychiatrist, Gary Hudson, Christopher Kriesa, Darlanne Fluegel and Lisa Comshaw. Carl Buechler provided the sometimes excellent and imaginative FX.

SCANNER COP 2: VOLKIN’S REVENGE (scanners: the showdown; scanners 5; scanners return) (1994 CAN) D: STEVE BARNETT W: MARK SEVI P: PIERRE DAVID Patrick Kilpatrick is an evil scanner vampire who drains other scanners of their powers (thus causing them to melt). Daniel Quinn returns as the scanner cop hero and Robert Forster has a small useless role. It’s less fun than the previous entries, but does have some effective John Carl Buechler FX. If you watched and enjoyed the first four, then you might as well have a look to round them out. With Jewel Shepard, Richard Epper, Lisa Comshaw, Ellen Dubin, Carl Ciarfalio, Aaron Lustig and Kane Hodder. [Illus.]

A SCANNER DARKLY (2006 US) D/W: RICHARD LINKLATER P: TOMMY PALLOTTA/JONAH SMITH/ERWIN STOFF/ANNE WALKER-McBAY/PALMER WEST In California “six years in the future”, Keanu Reeves stars as an undercover narc in an ever-changing “scramble suit” that protects his identity from his co-officers. He becomes addicted to Substance D, hallucinates, hears voices and sometimes seems to be investigating himself, and his equally paranoid drug-buddies can’t be trusted. This feature (based on an essential Philip K. Dick novel) is rotoscoped (animation layered on top of live action footage). Impressive visuals and interesting concepts (all Dick’s) may make it an engaging trip movie for stoners, but the filmmakers almost seem like they’ve deliberately tried to concentrate on all the wrong elements, and sidestepped what made the novel great. With Winona Ryder, Robert Downey Jr., Woody Harrelson and a ranting Alex Jones (also in Linklater’s WAKING LIFE). It was shot in Texas. George Clooney and Steven Soderbergh were executive producers.

SCANNER FORCE See: SCANNERS III

SCANNERS (telepathy 2000) (1981 CAN) D/W: DAVID CRONENBERG P: CLAUDE HEROUX Stephen Lack is a “scanner”, one of many children whose mothers were used as guinea pigs for an experimental new birth control drug. Patrick McGoohan is the scientist who employs Lack to track down other mutant scanners who have formed a terrorist underground led by untouchable psycho executive Michael Ironside (always worth watching). Unfortunately, Cronenberg’s usually meticulous writing seems to be off-track here and there are several loopholes in logic that you just wouldn’t expect from him. That said, it is a sometimes involving thriller and fans loved it not so much for the story, but for the exceptional Dick Smith FX. The exploding heads are good, but the best use of this painful-looking gore is the final psychic duel between Lack and Ironside. With Jennifer O’Neill, Lawrence Dane and Sam Stone. It was very successful and led to several sequels. Cronenberg made VIDEODROME next.

SCANNERS II: THE NEW ORDER (1990 CAN) D: CHRISTIAN DUGUAY W: B.J. NELSON P: PIERRE DAVID/ RENE MALO Cronenberg’s original was a surprise hit, so sequels followed. David Hewlett (later in CUBE) is a nice guy scanner (unaware of his powers) who is used by a police chief villain who is trying to create a “new order” of psychic law enforcement. There’s a psycho scanner and an institute full of reject junky scanners. There are some exploding head scenes also. With David Francis, Tom Butler, Russell Yuen, Jason Cavalier, Tyrone Benskin, Richard Zerman and Dorothee Berryman. It’s not a bad sequel (filmed back to back with part 3). Apparently there are many different versions around. This review refers to a 104 mins Japanese video.

SCANNERS III: THE TAKEOVER (scanner force) (1991 CAN) D: CHRISTIAN DUGUAY W: B.J. NELSON/ JULIE RICHARD/DAVID PRESTON P: RENE MALO/ IRENE LITINSKY A female scanner (Liliana Komorowska) becomes evil after taking an experimental drug her father created. She takes over his pharmaceutical company and buys a tv network so she can “scan” all over the world. Her scanner brother returns from a monastery in Thailand to stop her. There’s more comic relief in this occasionally ridiculous sequel, but it’s still pretty entertaining. With Colin Fox, Michael Copeman, Chip Chuipka, Michael Perron, Malo, Jason Cavalier, Claire Riley and Richard Jutras. The series continued with SCANNER COP.

SCANNERS 5 See: SCANNER COP 2: VOLKIN’S REVENGE

SCANNERS: NEW AGE See: SCANNER COP

SCANNERS RETURN See: SCANNER COP 2: VOLKIN’S REVENGE

SCANNERS: THE SHOWDOWN See: SCANNER COP 2: VOLKIN’S REVENGE

THE SCAR (hollow triumph) (1948 US) D: STEVE SEKELY W: DANIEL FUCHS P: PAUL HENREID When ex-con Henreid attempts to rob a mobowned casino with his old, flaky gang, it all goes wrong and he has to leave town and go into hiding. A respected doctor who looks identical to him apart from a scar on his cheek could signal a way out in this forgotten but good noir adaption of Murray Forbes’ novel. With Joan Bennett, Eduard Franz, Leslie Brooks, John Qualen, Mabel Paige, Herbert Rudley, Charles Arnt, George Chandler, Paul E. Burns, Charles Trowbridge, Rory Bennett, Robert Bice, Henry Brandon, Cliff Clark, Eddie Dunn, Franklyn Farnum, Joel Friedkin, Thomas Browne Henry, Lyle Latell, Nolan Leary, Lucien Littlefeld, Philip Morris, Cyril Ring, Benny Rubin, Norma Varden, Jack Webb (this and HE WALKED BY NIGHT were his first acting roles), Dick Wessel and Bud Wolfe. John Alton supplied the b/w photography. The Hungarian-born director also made REVENGE OF THE ZOMBIES, and Fuchs wrote CRISS CROSS.

SCAR (pain) (2007 US) D: JED WEINTROB W: ZACK FORD P: NORMAN TWAIN/COURTNEY POTTS/JAMIE GORDON Teens turn up dead and mutilated in a small town where Al Sapienza is sheriff. Angela Bettis is a girl’s aunt who has flashbacks to (and scars from) a killer who previously terrorised the town from his funeral home headquarters. Could the same be happening again? Not immediately shit, this gory, badly shot (colour desaturation overkill) horror is pretty brown by the end. Shot in Alberta, Canada, by a director of video games. Originally in 3D.

SCARECROW (2001) See: KAKASHI

SCARECROW (2002 US) D/W/P: EMMANUEL ITIER W: JASON WHITE/BILL CUNNINGHAM P: S. LEE TAYLOR A high school “teen” played by a balding, far too old actor is picked on by jocks, ridiculed by girls, and unfairly treated by a prejudiced teacher. After one of his white trash momma’s one-night stands strangles him to death in a cornfield, his spirit somehow possesses a scarecrow that becomes an acrobatic, wisecracking killer. One victim is stabbed with an ear of corn (in the ear). Richard Elfman (SHRUNKEN HEADS) is the sheriff in this terrible attempt at a new horror franchise. SCARECROW SLAYER was next.

SCARECROW GONE WILD (2004 US) D/W: BRIAN KATKIN P: TANYA YORK/SCOTT PFEIFFER Jock hazing results in a diabetic freshman going into shock without his insulin. This happens in a cornfield, so somehow a mythical killer scarecrow comes to life (some kind of psychic link with the kid). The scarecrow kills more horrible teens in boring unimaginative ways at the beach. Lots of running time is taken up by arguing and scenes in a dark, dreary surgery where it’s difficult to see what’s happening (that is, not much). It’s an unwanted sequel to SCARECROW and SCARECROW SLAYER. They’re all awful. A surprise ending is really stupid.

SCARECROW RESURRECTION See: SCARECROW SLAYER

SCARECROWS (1988 US) D/W/P: WILLIAM WESLEY W: RICHARD JEFFRIES P: CAMI WINIKOFF A bunch of military types in a hijacked plane are after their runaway Brit-accented former accomplice, who’s made off with stolen loot, and is currently hiding out in a farm at night. Scarecrows come to life and kill them, and the victims become straw-filled zombies, too. I saw the unrated cut, not that you can see anything anyway because it’s too dark. And all the characters are annoying. Has inexplicably garnered a cult following over the years.

SCARECROW SLAYER (scarecrow resurrection) (2003 US) D/W: DAVID MICHAEL LATT W: JOEL NEWMAN P: TANYA YORK/SCOTT PFEIFFER/EMMANUEL ITIER I’m not being melodramatic when I say that this excruciating sequel actually makes the first one look good (well, almost). Associate producer Tony Todd really hams it up as a drunken recluse who has the scarecrow tied up (not very securely, and in a field!). Some teens unleash the power and one dead guy possesses it again. At the end there are two scarecrows who have a fight. Big fucking deal. With some awful CGI and a reference to Charlie Higson’s King Of The Ants. Co-producer Anthony C. Ferrante provided FX for both of these turds. SCARECROW GONE WILD followed.

SCARED STRAIGHT! (1978 US) D/W/P: ARNOLD SHAPIRO Peter Falk narrates as a group of juvenile offenders spend three hours in the company of some hardened, hostile “lifer” convicts at Rahway maximum security penitentiary in New Jersey in an effort to scare them away from a life of crime. Many remember seeing this when it was broadcast (uncut with swearing intact) on American network tv. I saw a “20 years later” special hosted by Danny Glover. The original footage (about 40 mins, I’m not sure if this is the whole thing or not) is pretty interesting, and extremely entertaining just to see these teen badasses shit their pants in fear. But the rest of the 95 mins tape concerning 10- and 20-year later reunions and what-happened-to-the-kids-and-convicts updates are only for those genuinely interested in the programme.

SCARED TO DEATH (1947 US) D: CHRISTY CABANNE W: W.J. ABBOTT P: WILLIAM B. DAVID A dead woman on a morgue slab (Molly Lamont) narrates the story that led to her death in this not very good but bizarre mystery that’s in “natural” colour. We know from the beginning that her husband and his father who lives with them (George Zucco) are trying to drive her insane. Things get complicated when Bela Lugosi turns up as Zucco’s hypnotist cousin. He travels with a deaf and dumb dwarf (Angelo Rossitto) who wears identical, matching clothes (like Lon Chaney and Cujo in Tod Browning’s THE UNKNOWN). Nat Pendleton is a stupid comic relief detective always several steps behind Lugosi. With Douglas Fowley, Joyce Compton, Gladys Blake, Stanley Andrews, Stanley Price and Dorothy Christy. It’s about an hour long, so doesn’t outstay its welcome as an ill-advised but curiously enjoyable oddity.

THE SCAREMAKER See: GIRLS NITE OUT

SCARE THEIR PANTS OFF! (1968 US) D/W: JOHN MADDOX P: “RONALD SULLIVAN” (HENRI PACHARD) Two men get a hold of three women and they’re taken to a secret lair. Here they get their kicks by scaring the women into putting out with various routines. First, one of the guys pretends he has a disfigured face under his mask. Next, the woman is told she is to be sacrificed to a god and the final skit involves Nazi torture. After all three have been fucked, they’re knocked out, put in a car and shipped off in a ferry. The End. Unusual, mean-spirited b/w exploitation item is not nasty enough to be really worth seeing. Arthur Marks was the photographer. It’s available on dvd from Something Weird double billed with SATAN’S BED. Also included on the disc are some trailers, Barry Mahon’s featurette HOT SKIN AND COLD CASH, and four short subjects. These are GIRLS FOR SALE, COUPLES WELCOME, TIMES SQUARE 1970 and the fun JANE ON A TRAIN in which a hypnotist removes a lady’s clothes with “magnetism” (great use of stop-motion)!

SCARFACE KILLER See: MISTER SCARFACE

THE SCARFACE MOB (the untouchables) (1959 US) D: PAUL KARLSON W: PAUL MONASH P: QUINN MARTIN This is a condensed feature edited from the hit b/w tv show THE UNTOUCHABLES, which was very controversial in its day. Robert Stack is the determined Elliot Ness, out to stop the Chicago mob’s illegal booze racket with the help of a few incorruptable officers (including ex-con Keenan Wynn). Good tv for the time, it hasn’t dated particularly well. It is kind of fun to watch a miscast Neville Brand’s take on Al Capone, though. Walter Winchell narrates. With Barbara Nichols, Bill Williams, Peter Leeds, Paul Dubov, Frank Wilcox, Paul Picerni, John Beradino, Peter Mamakos, Richard Benedict, Frank De Kova, John Hoyt, Ralph Brooks, Robert Anderson, Bess Flowers, Chuck Hamilton, George J. Lewis, Sig Ruman, Brick Sullivan and Harry Wilson.

SCARIER MOVIE See: SCARY MOVIE 2

THE SCARLET CLAW (sherlock holmes and the…) (1944 US) D/W/P: ROY WILLIAM NEILL W: EDMUND L. HARTMANN/PAUL GANGELIN/BRENDA WEISBERG One of the finest of the Basil Rathbone/Nigel Bruce Holmes and Watson mysteries concerns a rural Canadian “phantom” who kills with the title tool. Oodles of b/w atmosphere make this a cosy watch-in-your-bed treat. With Paul Cavanagh, Arthur Hohl, Miles Mander, David Clyde, Ian Wolfe, Gertrude Astor, Olaf Hytten, Harry Allen, Ted Billings, George Kirby and Eric Wilton. THE PEARL OF DEATH followed.

SCARLET STREET (1945 US) D/P: FRITZ LANG W: DUDLEY NICHOLS The three stars of Lang’s WOMAN IN THE WINDOW returned for this film noir set in 1934. Edward G. Robinson demonstrates his wide range as a timid, henpecked bank cashier (called Chris Cross) trapped in a loveless marriage, who spends his free time on his only love in life, painting. He meets a prostitute (never overtly referred to as that) called Kitty (Joan Bennett) who strings him along (with the help of her heel boyfriend/pimp Dan Duryea) because she thinks he’s a rich, recognised artist. He skims money from his work to rent her a luxury apartment in Brooklyn Heights. His paintings do become valuable, but she sells them as her own. It all ends in murder and guilt. It’s a solid remake of a highly regarded Jean Renoir picture from 1931 called LA CHIENNE (or THE BITCH), itself based on a novel by Georges de La Fouchardière, and a play by André Movezy-Eon. With Margaret Lindsay, Arthur Loft, Russell Hicks, Samuel S. Hinds, Anita Sharp-Bolster, Vladimir Sokoloff, Cy Kendall, Tom Dillon, Rodney Bell, Richard Carmer, Dick Curtis, Edgar Dearing, Joe Devlin, Ralph Dunn, Byron Foulger, Gus Glassmire, Sherry Hall, Chuch Hamilton, Herbert Heywood, Boyd Irwin, Thomas E. Jackson, Edward Keane, Milton Kibbee, Fritz Leiber, George Lloyd, George Meader, Howard M. Mitchell, Lee Phelps, Horace Murphy, Clarence Muse, Dewey Robinson, Syd Saylor, Emmett Vogan, Dick Wessel, Matt Willis, Charles C. Wilson and Will Wright.

SCARY MOVIE (2000 US) D/P: KEENAN IVORY WAYANS W/P: SHAWN and MARLON WAYANS W: BUDDY JOHNSON/PHIL BEAUMAN/JASON FRIEDBERG/AARON SELTZER P: ERIC L. GOLD/LEE R. MAYES Wayans’ spoof of black action pics I’M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA was a hoot, but this pastiche of scenes from SCREAM, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER etc. is awful. All three Wayans appear and MATRIX and THE USUAL SUSPECTS are spoofed also. With Shannon Elizabeth, Lochlyn Munro, Anna Faris, Jon Abrahams, Kurt Fuller, Cheri Oteri, Regina Hall, Dave Sheridan, Carmen Electra, Rick Ducommun, Tanja Reichert, Dan Joffre and David Neale.

SCARY MOVIE 2 (scarier movie) (2001 US) D: KEENAN IVORY WAYANS W: SHAWN WAYANS/MARLON WAYANS/ALYSON FOUSE/GREG GRABIANSKI/ DAVE POLSKY/MICHAEL ANTHONY SNOWDEN/ CRAIG WAYANS P: ERIC L. GOLD I liked seeing James Woods in the opening EXORCIST spoof, but the rest of this sorry excuse for a spoof is endless bad taste humour without the humour. The main storyline is from THE HAUNTING remake and there are references to everything including HANNIBAL and the 13 GHOSTS remake. The most surprising part for me was the SOUL VENGEANCE reference with a growing dick that strangles. With Veronica Cartwright, Natasha Lyonne, Anna Faris, James DeBello, Regina Hall, Tori Spelling (who’s orally raped by a ghost), Tim Curry, David Cross, Vitamin C, Richard Moll, Chris Elliott, Betelgeuse, Ileana Douglas and the Wayans. Seven screenwriters!!! Surely not.

SCARY MOVIE 3 (2003 US) D: DAVID ZUCKER W: CRAIG MAZIN/PAT PROFT P: ROBERT K WEISS. Different filmmakers this time, but similar in tone and just as unfunny. No Wayans, but regular Anna Faris stars. This time THE RING and SIGNS (and 8 MILE) are the main targets of spoofing. With Charlie Sheen, Simon Rex, Anthony Anderson, Jeremy Piven, Regina Hall, Camryn Manheim, Darrell Hammond, Pamela Anderson, Jenny McCarthy, Denise Richards, Simon Cowell, Fat Joe, Ajay Naidu, Queen Latifah, George Carlin, Frank C. Turner, Dee Jay Jackson, Eddie Griffin, Leslie Nielsen, Ja Rule, D.L. Hughley, Master P., Macy Gray, Redman, Method Man, Raekwon, RZA and U. God. Parts 4 (2006) and 5 (2013) followed (good luck with that, I won’t be bothering).

THE SCAVENGERS See: AMBUSH!

SCHIZO (1981) See: NIGHTMARES IN A DAMAGED BRAIN

SCHIZOID (1971) See: A LIZARD IN A WOMAN’S SKIN

SCHIZOID (murder by mail) (1980 US) D/W: DAVID PAULSEN P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS A lonely hearts newspaper columnist receives cut‘n’paste death threats in the mail. Characters are stabbed to death with scissors. Prime suspects from her therapy group are handyman Christopher Lloyd and psychiatrist Klaus Kinski (who looks mostly bored throughout). The stupidest false scare involves a gay black man’s new haircut. With Craig Wasson, Marianna Hill and Richard Herd. This third-rate murder mystery that seems more concerned with setting up red herrings so you won’t guess the killer’s identity than suspense is from Cannon, who also released Paulsen’s SAVAGE WEEKEND.

SCHIZOPHRENIA See: ANGST

SCHOOL FOR GHOSTS See: ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GHOST STORY

SCHOOL FOR LOVE See: SCHOOL FOR SEX

SCHOOL FOR SEX (school for love) (1968 UK) D/W/P: PETE WALKER A wealthy ex-soldier hires several pardoned convict women to seduce and rip off other wealthy men for a percentage of the profits in this terrible sex comedy. Walker (known for his 70s horror films) made I LIKE BIRDS the same year (his first year directing).

SCHOOL FOR UNCLAIMED GIRLS (the smashing bird I used to know; the house of unclaimed girls; hell house girls) (1969 UK) D: ROBERT HARTFORDDAVIS W: JOHN PEACOCK P: PETER NEWBROOK A teen girl ends up in a juvenile remand home for girls after she stabs her mother’s lecherous conman boyfriend (Patrick Mower) when he tries to rape her. She escapes but then decides to return to face the music and just as we’re on the verge of a happy ending…. boom! With Maureen Lipman, Dennis Waterman, Lesley-Anne Down, David Lodge, Derek Fowlds and Megs Jenkins.

SCHOOLGIRL KILLER See: THE YOUNG, THE EVIL, AND THE SAVAGE

SCHOOL OF SHAOLIN See: THE IRON MONKEY

SCHOOL ON FIRE (hok gaau fung wan; xiao jiao feng yun) (1988 HK) D: RINGO LAM W: NAM YIN P: CATHERINE CHAN Lam followed up his CITY ON FIRE and PRISON ON FIRE with this excellent, explosive look at the balance of power around a drugfuelled urban high school and the gangsters who influence the kids more than any teacher seems able to. Fennie Yuen is a high school girl sucked into a dangerous world after she witnesses a gang killing. Roy Cheung is the despicable gang boss and Lam Ching Ying and Tommy Wong Kwong Leung are cops. With Ho-Ka Kui and screenwriter Yin (and bagpipe music). Recommended. A Karl Maka production.

THE SCHOOL THAT ATE MY BRAIN See: ZOMBIE HIGH

SCINTILLATING SIN See: VIOLATED PARADISE

THE SCISSOR MAN See: HASAMI OTOKO

SCISSORS (1990 US) D/W: FRANK DE FELITTA P: MEL PEARL/DON LEVIN/HAL W. POLAINE Repressed, traumatised virgin doll restorer Sharon Stone (who’s very good) lives alone, can’t stand to be touched by men, and is seeing shrink Ronny Cox. She ends up trapped in a new hi-tech apartment with a dead body as someone tries to drive her crazy. It steals all its ideas from better movies, but is sometimes effective, the ending is a surprise and Steve Railsback has a dual role as a soap opera star neighbour and his lecherous, wheelchair-bound artist brother. With Michelle Phillips from The Mamas and the Papas and Carl Ciarfalio. Based on a story by Joyce Selznick. Felitta wrote THE ENTITY and also directed the excellent DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW.

SCOOBY-DOO (2002 US) D: RAJA GOSNELL W: JAMES GUNN/CRAIG TITLEY P: RICHARD SUCKLE/ CHARLES ROVEN The screenwriter of TROMEO AND JULIET updated the Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters for a postmodern audience in this bigbudget live-action summer FX movie. Freddie Prinze Jr is Fred, Sarah Michelle Gellar is Daphne, Matthew Lillard is well cast as Shaggy, Linda Cardellini is Velma and Scooby is a cute, computer-animated creation. They investigate Rowan Atkinson’s Spooky Island Amusement Park (sets built in Australia) and there’s enough monsters, comedy, loud music and flatulence to keep its intended audience happy. Nothing great, but a little better than you might expect. And it’s nice to see that everyone hates Scrappy-Doo. With Isla Fisher, Miguel A. Nunez Jr., Pamela Anderson and Mark McGrath. There was an ok sequel in 2004.

SCORCHING SUN, FIERCE WINDS, WILD FIRE (any which way you punch; lit yat fung yau feng; lie ri feng ye huo) (1978 TAI) D: SUEN CHIN YUEN P: KONG NGEE FILM CO. A rebel gang led by a disguised woman named Violet hijack shipments from the local men in power in this average but quite enjoyable kung fu flick. Angela Mao, Dorian Tan Tao Liang and Lo Lieh (as a chain gang escapee) star. There’s a crushing wall of spikes and poisoned knives that make people melt (pretty cool). With Chang Yi, Tin Peng, Jimmy Lee, Shih Ting Ken, Lee Keung, Lee Man Tai, Phillip Ko Fei, Man Man and Au Lap Bo.

SCORE (1972 US YUG) D: RADLEY METZGER W: JERRY DOUGLAS P: AUDUBON FILMS “Once upon a future time” swinging couple Claire Wilbur and Gerald Grant invite couple Lynn Lowry (who’s especially cute) and Calvin Culver to their pad in the hope of seducing them. Lowry is a repressed Catholic girl who grew up in a convent, and husband Culver is struggling with homoerotic impulses. Excellent Metzger character study (available with brief hardcore scenes) shows how erotic films (and feature porno) should be made. With some beautiful locations. Metzger’s last non-porno movie. Recommended.

THE SCORE (2001 US) D: FRANK OZ/ROBERT DE NIRO (uncredited) W: KARIO SALEM/LEM DOBBS/ SCOTT MARSHALL SMITH/DANIEL B. TAYLOR P: GARY FOSTER/LEE RICH Ageing thief DeNiro plans one more big heist before retiring. Edward Norton is the ambitious young accomplice who poses as a retarded janitor so they can steal a priceless sceptre from a high-security safe in a tightly guarded basement (in Quebec). Nothing that you haven’t seen before, but this slick, straightforward and exciting heist movie benefits from its lack of convolution. With Marlon Brando, Angela Bassett, Gary Farmer, Serge Houde, Mark Camacho, Richard Zeman and Cassandra Wilson.

SCORNED See: A WOMAN SCORNED

THE SCORPIO FACTOR (metal scorpion) (1989 CAN) D: MICHAEL WACHNIUC W: CAROLE SAUVE/ JUNE PINHEIRO/LORENZO ORZARI P: CLAUDE CASTRAVELLI/ JEAN-GUY DESPRES Real bad and boring espionage thriller has some cops and a secret organisation searching for a stolen satellite microchip. It has no redeeming values and was really difficult for me to watch in one sitting (and I see a lot of crap).

SCORPION KING (operation scorpio; hit ji chin si; xie zi zhan shi) (1992 HK) D: DAVID LAI W: BARRY WONG/DAVID CHAN P: CHAN PUI WAH The plot about daydreaming comic artist and superhero wannabe Chin Kar Lok training under restaurant owner and guardian Liu Chia Liang to fight oppressors who pressure young girls into prostitution is not that exciting, and the calculated, overstylish execution is generic. But what makes this modern old-school type kung fu flick (with training scenes) worth your time is Yuan Jeung as the villain’s main henchman. His unforgettable scorpion style has him scuttling around on his hands and feet, with one leg raised to strike like a scorpion’s tail! It’s quite unlike anything else you’re likely to have seen, and pretty damned impressive. With Wu Fung, Frankie Chan, Yuen Shun-Yi, Lau Sek Yin, Sai Gwa Paau, Wang Han Chen and Yuen Tak.

THE SCORPION KING (2002 US GER) D: CHUCK RUSSELL W/P: STEPHEN SOMMERS W: WILLIAM OSBORNE/ DAVID HAYTER/JONATHAN HALES P: SEAN DANIEL/JAMES JACKS/KEVIN MISHER WWF wrestling star The Rock stars as the last of the Arcadians, a tribe of assassins in ancient Egypt. He vows to rid the land of the tyrannical Mammon (Steven Brand) and rides a camel. Kelly Hu is a half-naked sorceress. Slick but disappointing big-budget spin-off from THE MUMMY and THE MUMMY RETURNS by the director of THE MASK has lots of VFX and sword fights. It starts off tongue-in-cheek with self-deprecating humour (a good idea), but someone decided to make it more serious (a bad idea). With Michael Clarke Duncan (from THE GREEN MILE), Bernard Hill, Ralf Moeller, Roger Rees (from Aberystwyth), Nils Allen Stewart, Peter Facinelli, Penelope Jiminez, Summer Altice, Ralf Moeller, Marissa Mazolla and Tyler Mane. It became a series itself, spawning two dtv sequels in 2008 and 2012.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD (2010 UK CAN US) D/P: EDGAR WRIGHT W: MICHAEL BACALL P: NIRA PARK/MARC PLATT/ERIC GITTER Pilgrim (Michael Cera) is a young man in Toronto who plays bass in a band (whose songs were composed by Beck, by the way). He falls for the new girl in town (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), but finds he must battle her seven exes in video game-style battles to win her. That’s the basic premise. But with this retro geek chic heavily stylised comedy, it’s all about the presentation (it often mirrors exactly the panels of Bryan Lee O’Malley’s original graphic novel series). The first twenty minutes had me convinced I was going to loathe it with a passion, but there was a process of acclimatisation and in the end I had a pretty good time. It’s not all that, but is kinda fun if you let yourself get carried away (though not as infectious as the anime series FLCL, for example). With Ellen Wong, Kieran Culkin, Alison Pill, Mark Webber, Johnny Simmons, Anna Kendrick, Aubrey Plaza, Brie Larson, Chris Evans, Brandon Routh, Jason Schwartzman, the Saito Twins (whose music was composed by Keigo Oyamada aka Cornelius), Thomas Jane and Clifton Collins Jr. as The Vegan Police, a cameo from O’Malley and so many cultural references it’ll make you vomit!

SCOURGE (evil inside) (2007 CAN US) D/W: JONAS QUASTEL P: ANDREW BRONSTEIN In a town in Washington some kind of small tentacled (CGI) parasite infects a firefighter, makes him hungry, weird and homicidal, and then moves on to a series of other characters in this very poor, low-budget HIDDEN/ SPECIES retread. It doesn’t like alcohol and came to Earth in the late-19th century (or something similar). Give it a miss.

THE SCOUT See: UNCLE SAM

SCRAP HEAVEN (2005 JPN) D/W: LEE SANG-IL P: KAKERU KOBOTA/MASAMI YANAGIHARA/SATOSHI KOONO/HARUHIKO FURUTA Three months after a hostage situation on-board a passenger bus brought them together, cop Ryo Kase and knockabout wastrel Jo Odagiri start a revenge service by advertising amongst the graffiti on the walls of a particularly filthy public toilet. For example, they fake an abused little kid’s kidnapping and death so that his mother will love him more (the tone is wildly uneven, from comedy to this ill-advised kind of stuff). Chiaki Kuriyama is a one-eyed pharmacist who was also on the bus that day. She seems intent on blowing up the city with her own liquid explosives. Not difficult to watch, but irritating, and nowhere near as cool as it thinks it is. With Akira Emoto.

SCRATCH (2001 US) D: DOUG PRAY P: BRAD BLONDHEIM Very good documentary about the art and culture of scratching, hip hop and turntablism covers a lot of ground and establishes Grand Mixer D.ST (from Herbie Hancock’s Rockit fame) as one of the great unsung musical influences of the late-20th century. People interviewed and/or seen in action include Mixmaster Mike (who mixes Robert Johnson at one point), Afrika Bambaataa (“the master of records”), Yogafrog, D.J. Jazzy Jay, D.J. Krush, Cut Chemist, D.J. Premier, Q Bert (and the Invisible Scratch Piklz), D.J. Shadow, D.J. Swamp, Grand Wizard Theodore, D.J. Z-Trip, Bulletproof Scratch Hamsters, Eddy Def, D.J. Flare, D.J. Babu, Nu Mark, Jurassic 5, Dilated Peoples, Gangstarr, The Allies (pressing their own vinyl), D.J. Streak, D.J. Faust and Shortee, X-Ecutioners, Rob Swift, Jay Slim, Beat Junkies, Feedback, Klver, D.J. Craze, Snayk Eyez, Future Primitive, Swift Rock and the cheery and slightly crazed seeming manager of Asphodel Records. Allen and Albert Hughes were the executive producers of this very welcome doc Ray also made HYPE! about the Seattle rock scene.

SCREAM (1996 US) D: WES CRAVEN W: KEVIN WILLIAMSON P: CATHY KONRAD/CARY WOODS This postmodern slasher movie hit is very good, but critics overpraising it as some kind of masterpiece are setting overexpectant viewers up for disappointment. Neve Campbell is the teen heroine whose mother was raped and murdered years earlier. The killings start again in her small-town community. Craven has lots of fun with numerous red herrings and endless horror film references, but thankfully it all remains the right side of fanboy so is good fun. A character comments on how it’s all “like some Wes Carpenter movie”. With Drew Barrymore, Skeet Ulrich, Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Rose McGowan, Matthew Lillard, Jamie Kennedy, Linda Blair, W. Earl Brown, Liev Schreiber, Henry Winkler and Craven in a stripey jumper. Screenwriter Williamson (and the horror genre) became hot property after this.

SCREAM 2 (1997 US) D: WES CRAVEN W: KEVIN WILLIAMSON P: CATHY KONRAD/MARIANNE MADDALENA First sequel is not bad, but the fanboy references and anti-censorship messages have begun to take over. It begins with teens killed in a theatre while watching “Stab”, based on the killings from the first movie. Campbell is now a college student when the killings start again. Kennedy leads a “sequels suck” discussion in class. Cox, Arquette, Schreiber and Craven return, too, and there’s a cameo from Williamson (whose awful I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER was made the same year). With Tori Spelling, Laurie Metcalf, David Warner, Heather Graham, Omar Epps, Elise Neal, Jerry O’Connell, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Timothy Olyphant, Jada Pinkett Smith, Lewis Arquette, Rebecca Gayheart, Portia De Rossi, Marisol Nichols, Joshua Jackson, Luke Wilson and the voice of Selma Blair. Some Argento movies are copied.

SCREAM 3 (2000 US) D: WES CRAVEN W: EHREN KRUGER P: CATHY KONRAD/KEVIN WILLIAMSON/ MARIANNE MADDALENA Here’s a lame second sequel. A killer returns to off people during the production of “Stab 3” (produced by Lance Henriksen) in a concept somewhat similar to WES CRAVEN’S NEW NIGHTMARE. Campbell, Arquette, Cox, Schreiber and Kennedy all return. With Parker Posey, Patrick Dempsey, Scott Foley, Jenny McCarthy, Emily Mortimer, Matt Keeslar, Patrick Warburton, Heather Matarazzo and bit parts from Roger Corman, Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes, Stan Winston, Carrie Fisher (as a character who looks like Carrie Fisher) and Craven. There’s also a KISS ME DEADLY poster and another bad killer unmasking/ motive ending. A decade passed before the unwanted part 4.

SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN (screamer) (1969 UK) D: GORDON HESSLER W: CHRISTOPHER WICKING P: MAX J. ROSENBERG/MILTON SUBOTSKY Here’s a very interesting mishmash from Amicus. A jogger collapses into unconsciousness only to wake up in a hospital to find his limbs are being removed. Meanwhile, a superhuman killer (Michael Gothard) who picks up his female victims in bars and clubs, rapes them and drinks their blood, is being tracked by police. It all has something to do with Dr. Vincent Price and his experiments with superhumans for an unspecified European Fascist state. The cop characters and dialogue are streetwise and gritty, but the incidental music (replaced on some prints by something more appropriate) is straight out of elevator muzak hell. This results in a lack of dynamism but does add an air of campy other-worldliness. Nothing is really explained in the rushed ending, but there’s something here worth watching. Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing are not around for long. With Peter Sallis and David Lodge. Based on Peter Saxon’s equally barmy and disjointed 1966 novel The Disorientated Man (Saxon being a house name for publisher Paperback Library, used for a series of horror novels. Wilfred Glassford McNeilly is the most likely author. See also CORRUPTION. Edit: It seems that W. Howard Baker and Stephen Frances may be behind the Saxon pseudonym this time after all. The film omits the book’s extraterrestrial stuff.

SCREAM, BLACULA, SCREAM! (blacula 2) (1973 US) D: BOB KELLJAN W: JOAN TORRES/RAYMOND KOENIG/MAURICE JULES P: JOSEPH T. NAAR After a voodoo priestess dies, her son (Richard Lawson) is voted out as successor in favour of Pam Grier. Lawson decides to take revenge and resurrects Blacula (William Marshall) and becomes his Renfield. This sequel to BLACULA starts well but runs out of steam in the midsection. But I guess it picks up in the finale when the LAPD is issued with stakes (!) to hunt Marshall and his small vampire army. At one point Marshall tells a pimp that he’s “a slave, imitating your slave masters”. With Bob Minor.

SCREAM BLOODY MURDER See: BLOODY MURDER

SCREAMER See: SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN

SCREAMERS (1996 CAN JPN US) D: CHRISTIAN DUGUAY W: DAN O’BANNON/MIGUEL TEJADA FLORES P: TOM BERRY/FRANCO BATTISTA Peter Weller stars as the commander of a military outpost on a desolate, radioactive planet in 2078. “Screamers” are fast, underground burrowing spheres with blades that jump out of the ground and slice people’s limbs off. They were created by Weller’s side in a galactic war but have mutated themselves into chameleons that can trick humans by gaining their trust. Roy Dupuis is a rookie from Earth who crash-lands near the outpost and informs them that they’ve been left to die. Jennifer Rubin (the love interest), Weller and Dupuis and other (annoying) characters try to find a way off the planet. This adaption of Philip K. Dick’s story Second Variety is pretty good, but the screamers should have been used better (and more often). With Liliana Komorowska, Charles Powell, Ron White, Jason Cavalier and Bruce Boa.

SCREAM FOR HELP (1984 UK) D/P: MICHAEL WINNER W: TOM HOLLAND Hysterically bad thriller has a New Rochdale teen convinced that her stepfather is trying to kill her mother. Turns out she’s right, and he has accomplices. Acting and dialogue from bad movie heaven, and Winner helming at a merciless operatic pitch of un-self-conscious stupidity makes for an anti-classic for those inclined. I had a great time. John Paul Jones (of Led Zeppelin) provides the score.

THE SCREAMING DEAD (1972) See: DRACULA, PRISONER OF FRANKENSTEIN

SCREAMING DEAD (2003 US) D/W: BRETT PIPER P: MICHAEL L. RASO An irritatingly self-righteous and stubborn hero type reluctantly babysits a powercrazed, misogynistic modern art photographer and his models while they stay at a supposedly haunted, dingy old mansion for a multimedia shoot. The other main lead is the voyeur artist’s female secretary. After lots of arguments and mind games, some kind of video zombie emerges to kill. This is more adult-orientated than Piper’s other recent works, and doesn’t feature any of his stop-motion work. Consequently, it’s not very interesting. With Misty Mundae, and A.J. Khan in the opening scene.

SCREAMING MIMI (1958 US) D: GERD OSWALD W: ROBERT BLEES P: HARRY JOE BROWN/ROBERT FELLOWS Overrated but worthwhile b/w psychodrama crime film stars Anita Ekberg as a traumatised woman who believes she killed a man who attempted to stab her in the shower. She’s released from a mental institution under the care of her psychiatrist/ lover (Harry Townes) and works as an exotic dancer in a nightclub. She becomes the prime suspect when dead bodies turn up, all of whom had purchased the same statuette. There’s some good dialogue and a nice hard-boiled atmosphere in this adaption of a novel by Frederic Brown (THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE). With Philip Carey, Gypsy Rose Lee, Frank J. Scannell and Thomas Browne Henry.

THE SCREAMING SKULL (1956 US) D: ALEX NICOL P: SAMUEL Z. ARKOFF A newlywed couple move into their new country home. He (John Hudson) lost his first wife when she cracked her skull in the garden, and she (Peggy Webber) saw her parents drown as a kid. Webber is terrorised by noises in the night and skulls appearing throughout the house. You’ll probably guess that it’s all a scam and has nothing to do with the supernatural (or does it?). Easy enough to watch at just over an hour, but it’s not very good. With Russ Conway, Nicol as the gardener and b/w photography from Floyd Crosby (so it looks good). The best part for me was the opening precredit sequence where a laughing skull rises from a pond.

SCREAMING TIGER See: TEN FINGERS OF STEEL

SCREAM OF FEAR (taste of fear) (1960 UK) D: SETH HOLT W/P: JIMMY SANGSTER Parallel to their revision of Universal horror classics Hammer also churned out lesser-remembered psychological chillers in the wake of PSYCHO. This was the first one out of the gate and it’s probably the best. An effective little b/w suspense item in which wheelchair-bound Susan Strasberg visits her dead father’s French villa. Ann Todd is the stepmother and Christopher Lee is a friendly doctor who comes to comfort Strasberg when she starts seeing daddy’s corpse all over the place DIABOLIQUE-style. Not as simple a mystery as it may seem. Well worth a look for terror fans.

SCREAM OF THE WOLF (1974 US) D/P: DAN CURTIS W: RICHARD MATHESON When gruesome (offscreen) killings baffle small-town police, Peter Graves is called in to investigate. Could it be a werewolf? Or how about smug, philosophical hunter Clint Walker? Based on David Case’s story The Hunter, this tv movie is nothing special, but watchable enough to keep you amused on late-night tv. With Philip Carey as the sheriff, and Jim Storm.

SCREAM QUEEN NAKED CHRISTMAS (naked christmas) (1996 US) D/W: JOHN RUSSO Debbie Rochon and others strip in seemingly endless scenes for this useless 60 mins tape that’s only for the most desperate scream queen/Rochon fanatic (with money to burn). It was filmed at the same time as SANTA CLAWS, so scenes from that dud are used, as well as the killer character in a mask ranting every now and again. Believe it or not, Russo was once part of the creative team behind the classic NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.

SCREAMS OF BLASPHEMY See: PINOCCHIO 964 SCREWFACE See: MARKED FOR DEATH

SCROOGED (1988 US) D/P: RICHARD DONNER W: MICHAEL GLAZER/MICHAEL O’DONOGHUE P: ART LINSON Bill Murray is an uncaring tv station executive who’s visited by the ghosts of Christmas past (David Johansen), present (Carol Kane) and future (a Death-like figure with damned souls in his ribcage that looks like Belial from BASKET CASE). It’s ok for a feel-good Christmas comedy. With Karen Allen, John Glover, Bobcat Goldthwait, Robert Mitchum, John Forsythe, Michael J. Pollard, Alfre Woodard, Jamie Farr, Buddy Hackett, John Houseman, Robert Goulet, Jack McGee, Anne and Logan Ramsey, Amy Hill, Miles Davis and a funny cameo from Lee Majors.

SCRUBBERS 2 See: DELINQUENT SCHOOLGIRLS

SCUBA BATTLE See: THE PATRIOT (1986)

SCUM (1977 UK) D: ALAN CLARKE W: ROY MINTON P: MARGARET MATHESON The BBC produced and then subsequently banned (for over a decade) this unflinching look at the Thatcher-era British Borstal system (basically juvenile detention centres with an emphasis on rehabilitation through unyielding, fascistic intolerance) helmed by the sometimes brilliant Clarke, one of the UK’s toughest critics behind the camera. The fact that no one could see it prompted the more widely seen theatrical remake. For those familiar with the later version, you’ll find that it’s not much different from the original, bar the more realistic use of endless swearing and the fact that a subplot involving inmate “daddy” Ray Winstone’s “missus” was dropped. Both are fucking great films, though, with the remake having the slight edge (if only for not including that horrible ballad during the end credits). With Phil Daniels and Danny John-Jules.

SCUM OF THE EARTH (devil’s camera) (1963 US) D/W: “LEWIS H. GORDON” (HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS) P: “DAVIS FREEMAN” (DAVID F. FRIEDMAN) Lewis and Friedman made this sleazy SINISTER URGE copy (and some nudies) the same year as the infamous BLOOD FEAST. Thomas Sweetwood (aka William Kerwin from FEAST) is a guilt-ridden nudie photographer who reluctantly ropes innocent Vicki Miles (who wants to earn money to pay college tuition fees) into posing for dirty photos that Mal Arnold (also in FEAST) sells in high schools. Arnold, a rapist goon called Ajax and their cigar-chomping boss are the real villains. Friedman also did the sound as usual. Nothing graphic is shown, but lots of things are implied in this the first “roughie”. It ends with suicide by a very, very small gun. Original four-page comic books were given out at theatre screenings.

SEAJACK See: VOYAGE OF TERROR

SEANCE (kourei) (2000 JPN) D/W: KIYOSHI KUROSAWA W: TETSUYA ONISHI P: TAKEHIKO TANAKA/ YASUYUKI UEMURA Middle-aged medium Jun Fukubi is so desperate for media attention that when her husband (Kurosawa regular Koji Yakusho) inadvertently brings home a kidnapped little girl who she’s helping the police search for, she doesn’t report it and uses it to her advantage. Made for Japanese tv by the director of CURE and others, it’s a low-key but effective adaptation of a Mark McShane novel previously turned into the 1964 picture SEANCE ON A WET AFTERNOON (which was quite different). One interesting scene preempts Kurosawa’s DOPPELGÄNGER. With Ittoku Kishibe as a suspicious cop, Tsuyoshi Kusanagi from SMAP, Sho Aikawa as a Buddhist priest/exorcist (!) and Haruhiko Kato.

SEANCE ON A WET AFTERNOON (1964 US) D/W/P: BRYAN FORBES P: RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH Kim Stanley (who’s brilliant, but didn’t make many movies, mostly working onstage) is a medium who coerces her somewhat nebbish husband (Attenborough with a prosthetic nose) into kidnapping the little girl of wealthy Mark Eden (and wife Nanette Newman), keeping her bedridden in a spare room posing as a hospital ward. At first it seems that the sad, traumatised couple are after a ransom, but things are more complicated than that. Nicely shot in b/w by Gerry Turpin and finely acted throughout, it’s a subtly gripping thriller of sorts that even manages to milk a few blackly comic laughs from its tragic premise (based on Mark McShane’s novel). The score is from John Barry. With Patrick Magee and Gerald Sim. Forbes was also a character actor and successful novelist, his most well-remembered movie (as director) nowadays being THE STEPFORD WIVES. Remade as SEANCE.

SGT. KAUBIKMAN NYPD (kabukiman) (1990 US JPN) D/W/P: LLOYD KAUFMAN D/P: MICHAEL HERZ W: ANDREW OSBORNE/JEFFREY W. SASS/CLIFF HAHN/ROBERT COFFEY Rick Gianasi is an NYC cop who’s possessed by the spirit of a “Kabukiman” superhero after the previous kabuki play actor with the powers is killed by a corrupt businessman’s henchmen. A woman in-the-know makes him eat worms and helps him harness his powers. He wears kabuki clothes and makeup and has silly weapons like heat-seeking chopsticks. Troma made this with money from Japanese Pac-Man creators Namco, and they were understandably disappointed with the results. They wanted an international multicultural icon, but Kaufman couldn’t keep away from the sex, gore and bad taste. Apart from a decent 360 degree car flip and a climactic transformation from the villain, it’s an irritating, unfunny (and overlong) mess, just like a regular Troma movie. With Brick Bronsky and Joe Fleishaker.

THE SEASHELL AND THE CLERGYMAN (la coquille et le clergyman) (1927 FRA) D: GERMAINE DULAC W: ANTOINE ARTAUD Considered lost for many years, this remarkable silent short (29 mins) should gather an unmissable reputation in the near future. Considered the first surrealist (it predates UN CHIEN ANDALOU by a few years) and, by some, feminist film, it’s a beautiful, disorientating and groundbreaking (in terms of cinematic technique and composition) tale of the title clergyman and his repressed sexual desires. The image of a man’s head splitting in two is particularly memorable. Paul Parguel provided the b/w cinematography. Dulac had directed several films since 1917. Reportedly the poet and stage and screen actor Artaud was not pleased by her adaptation of his original treatment.

SEASON OF THE WITCH (jack’s wife; hungry wives) (1972 US) D/W: GEORGE A. ROMERO P: NANCY M. ROMERO After NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD Romero made the drama THERE’S ALWAYS VANILLA and this curiosity which isn’t really horror despite dealing with witchcraft. Jan White is very good as a confused, bored, frustrated housewife. Her daughter is all grown-up and her insensitive husband is always wrapped up in his business. After spending some time as a (quite interesting) youth culture/suburban America clash drama, White gets interested in witchcraft, starts practising it, joins a coven and (accidentally?) kills her husband with a shotgun. Not much happens (it’s all talk) but it is involving, well made and I didn’t lose interest. This review refers to an 89 mins rerelease version, but 104 mins versions are available. It was originally two hours plus. With Bill Hinzman (the first on-screen zombie in NOTLD who later directed his own REVENGE OF THE LIVING ZOMBIES) in the cast and lots of surreal dream sequences (with strange electronic noises on the soundtrack). Romero made THE CRAZIES next. [Illus.]

THE SECOND ARRIVAL (arrival 2) (1998 CAN) D: KEVIN S. TENNEY W: MARK DAVID PERRY P: CLAUDIO CASTRAVELLI Patrick Muldoon stars as the brother of Charlie Sheen’s character (now dead) from the original THE ARRIVAL. Aliens (disguised as humans) are trying to destroy the Earth’s ozone layer in this ok sci-fi thriller that’s more enjoyable than the first film. With Larry Day, Steve Adams, Noel Burton, Tenney (who made the NIGHT OF THE DEMONS films), lots of 3D computer graphics, a robot spider and some good camera tricks.

SECOND CHANCE See: TWO OF A KIND

THE SECOND COMING (1975) See: MESSIAH OF EVIL

SECOND COMING (2002 UK) D: ADRIAN SHERGOLD W: RUSSELL T. DAVIES P: ANN HARRISONBAXTER In Salford, England, a pathetic no-hope video rental store worker (Christopher Eccleston) suddenly realises he’s the Son of God. He makes daylight descend upon a stadium in the middle of the night, and prophesies the end of the world, unless a new Third Testament is written. Lesley Sharp and Ashen Bhatti are two of his “disciple” friends. With Annabelle Apsion and Mark Benton as a fat, desperate loser possessed by the Devil. Maybe not as deep and thought-provoking as some would like, this is still an excellent tv miniseries with some great scenes and well-written dialogue (from the guy who scripted most of the revival DOCTOR WHO series episodes with Eccleston). Originally screened in two parts, it runs approx. 140 mins as a whole, and is not padded or overlong.

SECOND HOUSE ON THE LEFT See: NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS

SECONDS (1966 US) D: JOHN FRANKENHEIMER W: LEWIS JOHN CARLINO P: EDWARD LEWIS Bored bank manager John Randolph arranges for his death to be faked and to be reborn with a new identity and Rock Hudson’s face. He relocates to a beach community where other clients of this service reside and tries to become an artist and forget his old life. But this is more difficult than it seems in this classic sci-fi paranoia movie. James Wong Howe’s excellent, much-imitated b/w photography is reason alone to watch. With Jeff Corey, Richard Anderson and a hippy gathering complete with grape stomping. Based on David Ely’s novel.

SECOND SKIN (2000 CAN S.AFR UK) D: DARRELL ROODT W: JOHN LAU P: DAVID LANCASTER/ JEFFREY MORTON/DAVID WICHT Natasha Henstridge is a mysterious woman who walks into second-hand bookstore owner Angus Macfayden’s shop one day and then develops amnesia. Of course she has a past in this moody thriller, but maybe so does he. But there’s no great surprises and it flatlines about halfway through. With Peter Fonda in another nothing role.

SECONDS TO LIVE See: VIVA KNIEVEL!

THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF TOM THUMB (1993 UK) D/W: DAVE BORTHWICK P: RICHARD HUTCHISON This brilliant mixture of stop-motion live-action and models (not unlike the works of Jan Švanmajer) tells a dark, organic-techno fairy tale about a miniature boy born to regular-size parents who’s abducted for unspecified but cruel-looking medical experiments. Look for this hour-long classic and watch.

SECRET AGENT (1936 UK) D: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: CHARLES BENNETT/ALMA REVILLE (uncredited) P: MICHAEL BALCON (uncredited)/IVOR MONTAGU (uncredited) “R” (Charles Carson) sends Sir John Gielgud to Switzerland where he’s to oversee the assassination of an enemy agent. His accomplices are Madeline Carroll (as his fake wife) and the lecherous, bisexual “hairless Mexican” (an over-the-top Peter Lorre who makes dubbed-in barking noises!?!). Intriguing b/w Hitchcock thriller is a mixture of expertly orchestrated set pieces and badly dated rich-Brits-making-fun-of-foreign-locals humour. With Robert Young, Percy Marmont, Lilli Palmer, Tom Helmore, Andreas Malandrinos, Michael Redgrave and Michael Rennie in a bit-part (the last four uncredited). It’s based on Campbell Dixon’s play and the novel Ashenden by W. Somerset Maugham (and was all filmed in London). Both Bennett and Reville (the director’s wife) wrote others for Hitchcock.

SECRET AGENT 00 See: OPERATION DOUBLE 007

SECRET AGENT OF JAPAN (1942 US) D: IRVING PICHEL W: JOHN LARKIN P: SOL M. WURTZEL Preston Foster stars as an American in Shanghai who runs a bar full of expats that doubles as a confidential mail drop. Noel Madison is the “Jap” who muscles in on his business on the eve of a Pacific war, and Lynn Bari a mysterious woman after an important coded letter. It turns out that the letter was instrumental in the attack on Pearl Harbor in this hit historical curiosity that’s otherwise a dull espionage thriller. In b/w. With Victor Sen Yung, Steven Geray, Kurt Katch, Addison Richards, Ian Wolfe, Hermine Sterler, Selmer Jackson, Frank Puglin, Leyland Hodgson, Leslie Denison, Gino Corrado, Budd Fine, Jean del Val, Al Kikume, Arthur Loft, Cyril Ring and Tim Ryan. Foster (who died in 1970) was back to save democracy from Japanese Americans in LITTLE TOKYO, U.S.A. later the same year.

SECRET AGENT SUPER DRAGON (new york chiama superdrago; new york appelle super dragon; hollenjagd auf heile; super dragon) (1966 ITL FRA W.GER MON) D/W: “CALVIN JACKSON PADGET” (GIORGIO FERRONI) W/P: ROBERT AMBROSA W: BILL COLEMAN/MIKE MITCHELL/REMIGO DEL GROSSO Ray Danton stars as the title spy in Amsterdam in this intensely dull obscurity. The villain gives drugged sweets to college students. With Marisa Mell (from DANGER: DIABOLIK), Margaret Lee, Jess Hahn, Jacques Herlin, Pinkas Braun and Nello Pazzafini.

SECRET FILE See: XTRO 3

SECRET FILE 2 See: NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS

THE SECRET FOUR See: KANSAS CITY CONFIDENTIAL

THE SECRET KILLER (eyeball; gatti rossi in un labirinto di vetro; el ojo en la oscuridad) (1974 ITL SPN) D/W: UMBERTO LENZI W: FELIX TUSSEL P: JOSEPH BRENNER Tourists on a package tour in Barcelona are killed off by a figure in red. Eyeballs are removed. A mediocre giallo at best. With Martine Brochard, Andres Mejuto, Mirta Miller, Daniele Vargas, Georges Rigaud, Silvia Solar, Raf Baldassarre, John Bartha, Vittorio Fanfoni, Tom Felleghy and Lorenzo Piani.

THE SECRET LIFE: JEFFREY DAHMER (1993 US) D/P: DAVID R. BOWEN W/P: CARL CREW Crew (who resembles James Remar and narrates throughout) is Dahmer in this good, low-budget look at the serial killer who started killing while staying with his grandmother in rural Ohio and then later on at his own apartment in Milwaukee. Some of the details like the acid vat or his close calls with the cops may seem unlikely or exaggerated, but this is in fact a very accurate look at one of the most notorious killers in recent years. If you don’t know much about him, this is as good a place as any to start, you’ll learn more than from the later (also very good) DAHMER.

THE SECRET OF DR. ALUCARD See: A TASTE OF BLOOD

THE SECRET OF DR. HICHCOCK See: THE TERROR OF DR. HICHCOCK

THE SECRET OF MAMO See: LUPIN III

SECRET OF TAI CHI (tai chi chun; taai gik kuen; tai ji quan) (1985 HK) D/W: CHIK NGAI HUNG A couple of brothers, and two beautiful dancing sisters who they meet vow to avenge the death of their loved ones at the hands of a Ming warlord with Tai Chi in this pretty action-packed kung fu gem, with particularly good use of formation choreography, and a great against-the-odds final massacre (either someone called Sui Kuy (on the print) or Chu B and the director (according to the HKMDb) are responsible for it). The sole directorial credit for a familiar-looking extra in many kung fu films, who also helped choreograph the amazing action in THE LOOT. Recommended!

THE SECRET OF THE BUDDHIST FIST See: THE BUDDHIST FIST

THE SECRET OF THE LOCH (1934 UK) D: MILTON ROSMER W: BILLIE BRISTOW/CHARLES BENNETT P: BRAY WYNDHAM Prof. Heggie (Seymour Hicks, who was SCROOGE in 1913 and 1935) is an eccentric, grumpy, outspoken believer in the Loch Ness Monster (still quite the recent modern myth at the time of this movie’s release). After failing to convince zoologists in London that it could be a surviving diplodocus (dinosaur), he travels to Scotland and sends divers down to look for it (from a floating platform). The star of this very comedic (but not very funny) b/w obscurity is a newspaper reporter who wants the scoop, and has fallen for Heggie’s daughter. Other journalists (and clichéd Scot locals) spend all their time drunk in a pub. They couldn’t resist throwing bagpipes in one scene (but I like bagpipes, so that’s ok!). In the climax, the monster turns out to be a ONE MILLION B.C.-style rear-projection iguana! It must have even been disappointing in its day! With Gibson Gowland, Clive Morton, D.J. Williams and a surprising Anna May Wong reference. The editor was none other than David Lean! Bennett later wrote for Hitchcock. Rosmer (also an actor) directed Tod Slaughter in MARIA MARTEN next.

SECRET OF THE SHAOLIN POLES (prodigal boxer 2; story of fong sai yuk; fang shi yu da po mei hua zhuajng) (1977 TAI) D: ULYSSES AU YEUNG JUN W: CHIU KANG CHIAN Mang Fei stars as legendary folk hero Fong Sai Yuk, an outlaw with a price on his head that several wannabe assassins try to claim. But it isn’t until oppressive tyrant Chang Yi hires a Japanese fighter (the always cool Yasuaki Kurata) that the trouble really starts. Fei and Kurata face off on a circuit of wooden poles (some of which are booby trapped), below them spiked bamboo. This is an above average old-school kung fu movie with choreography from none other than Liu Chia-Liang (who usually worked for the Shaw Bros). With Tan Tao-Liang, “Bruce Law” (Lau Kar-Wing), Doris Lung and Man Man. Fei and Kurata originally faced off in the hit KUNG FU: THE PUNCH OF DEATH (aka PRODIGAL BOXER) in 1972. Another PRODIGAL BOXER 2 (aka YOUNG HERO OF SHAOLIN) from the same director as POLES (great name, by the way) and with much of the same cast is often confused with this. Fei was Fong Sai Yuk for a fourth time in INVINCIBLE KUNG FU TRIO. Music by Frankie Chan (although it sounds nicked from an Italian western to me).

SECRET OF THE TELEGIAN (denso ningen) (1960 JPN) D: JUN FUKUDA W: SHINICHI SEKIZAWA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA Tadao Nakamura stars as a WWII veteran who uses a teleportation machine to seek out those who left him to die in a cave at the end of the war and kill them in the second feature helmed by future Godzilla sequel veteran Fukuda. Koji Tsuruta stars as a reporter hero on the case. It’s interesting to note that this colour movie played only in b/w abroad, as the occasional, creepy scenes of Nakamura as a semi-formed being of flickering blue electrical energy are the only parts of this humdrum sci-fi thriller that work. With Yumi Shirakawa, Akihito Hirata, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Seizaburo Kiwazu, Sachiko Sakai, Yoshifumi Tajima, Fuyuki Murakami, Takamura Sasaki, Shin Otomo, Ikio Sawakamura, Ren Yamamoto, Yutaka Sada, Yutaka Nakayama, Chisei (or Hideo) Amamoto, Nadao Kirino, Shoichi Hirose, Senkichi Omura, Yasuhisa Tsutusmi, Tadashi Okabe and Tatsuo Matsumura. A gold-painted woman dances in a club.

THE SECRET RIVALS (naam kuen bak tui; nan quan bei tui) (1976 HK) D/W/P: NG SEE YEUN W: TUNG LIU P: CHEUNG KUNE John Liu and Wong Tao star in this action-filled kung fu cracker set in Korea. The plot revolves around the corrupt organisers behind a tournament to find a chief bodyguard. So many great fights it’s difficult to single any out, but there’s an excellent nunchaku scene. With the obligatory evil Russian fighter, Hwang Jang Lee as the main villain Silver Fox (the role that made him famous), Yuen Biao and Gam Ming (who choreographed the action along with Chan Chuen).

THE SECRET RIVALS PART 2 (naam kuen bak tui dau gam woo; nan quan bei tui dou jin hu) (1977 HK) D/W: NG SEE YUEN It’s Northern leg (John Liu) and Southern fist (Tino Wong) against Hwang Jang Lee and his cronies (one has a metal hand) in this excellent, action-packed sequel. The plot involves the search for a map leading to a treasure in silver. But who needs a plot when you’ve got fight action like this (choreographed by Yuen Woo Ping)? With Blacky Ko, Cory Yuen Kwai (who would later direct the American NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER for Ng See Yuen), Hsu Hsia, Chui Chung Hei and Phillip Ko Fei.

SECRET RIVALS 3 (assignment to kill; northern kicks, southern fists; challenge of the masters; san naam kuen bak tui; xin nan quan bei tui) (1979 TAI) D: CHEUNG SAN YEE W: CHANG KIN JEI P: HSIEH SHAO HWA John Liu (who will insist on pointing his leg at 90° in every single film) believes that Alexander Lo Rei is responsible for the death of his brother. Lui, Rei and a young woodcarver who follows them around wanting to learn kung fu eventually team up to fight the real villain (Robert Tai, who also choreographed the action). The fights are not as mental as you’d expect from Tai, but that doesn’t mean it’s not loaded with great action. As long as you don’t expect another SECRET RIVALS (it’s not really a sequel), you should have a lot of fun with it. With Wong Chi Sang. Director Yee also helmed the Liu Vehicles DRAGON FIGHTER, INCREDIBLE KUNG FU MISSION and SHAOLIN EX-MONK, as well as directing Angela Mao in THE LADY CONSTABLES.

SECRET SERVICE OF THE IMPERIAL COURT (police pool of blood; gam dut wai; jin yi wai) (1984 HK) D/W: TONY LIU W: CHEUNG GWOK YUEN P: MONA FONG/WONG KA HEE Ku Feng is the captain of the Brocade Guard, a team of skilled and ruthless assassins loyal to the Emperor. Leung Kar Yan is his sergeant son who must defend himself and his family from his comrades after he questions and disobeys assassination orders, because he believes eunuch Lau Wing is using power he derives from bribing the Emperor with naked women for his own ends. This very dramatic Shaw Bros swordplay epic benefits from a grand story about loyalty and honour and fine acting, but action fans may wish for more martial arts (competently choreographed by the director, who also has a small on-screen part). With Lo Lieh, Lo Meng, Goo Goon Chung, Phillip Ko Fei, Sun Chien, Jason Pai Piao, Wong Ching Ho, Cheng Miu, Shum Lo and Chan Lau.

SECRETS OF A SOUL See: CONFESSIONS OF AN OPIUM EATER

SECRETS OF THE DEATH ROOM See: LOVE ME DEADLY

THE SECRETS OF THE PHANTOM CAVERNS (what waits below) (1983 UK) D: DON SHARP W: CHRISTY MARX/ROBERT VINCENT O’NEILL/KEN BARNETT P: SANDY HOWARD/ROBERT D. BAILEY Robert Powell stars in this terrible, boring fantasy about underwater albino mutants living in caves in South America. With Lisa Blount, Timothy Bottoms and Richard Johnson. A career low for Sharp.

SECRETS OF THE TRIBE (2009 UK BRZ) D: JOSE PADILHA P: MIKE CHAMBERLAIN/CAROL NAHRA/ MARCOS PRADO Increasingly alarming and incriminating documentary look at how in-fighting anthropologists have made nuisances of themselves (at best) over the years while befriending, cohabiting with, studying (and influencing) the remote Yanomami tribes of the Orinoco (on the border between Venezuela and Brazil). If you thought the events of CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST were irresponsible, think again. I saw it aired as part of the BBC’s Storyville strand.

SECRET STORY OF CHUSHINGURA See: FEMALE NINJAS: MAGIC CHRONICLES 4

THE SECRET WEAPON See: SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE SECRET WEAPON

SECRET WINDOW (2004 US) D/W: DAVID KOEPP P: GAVIN POLONE Novelist Johnny Depp is trying to get some work done at a remote cabin upstate when mysterious, threatening southerner John Turturro turns up and accuses him of plagiarism. Based on a Stephen King story, and somewhat reminiscent of THE DARK HALF, this engaging thriller from the director of STIR OF ECHOES never revs into high gear, and the twist has become too familiar in recent years, but it’s still above average of its type. With Timothy Hutton, Charles S. Dutton, Maria Bello, Vlasta Vrana, Matt Holland, Gillian Ferrabee and Richard Jutras.

THE SECT (devil’s daughter; demons 4; la setta) (1990 ITL) D/: MICHELE SOAVI W/P: DARIO ARGENTO W: GIANNI ROMOLI P: MARIO and VITTORIO CECCHI GORI This ridiculous horror fantasy manages to be boring despite being imaginative and different. Kelly Curtis (Jamie Lee Curtis’ stepsister) gets a bug up her nose courtesy of Herbert Lom. It lives in her brain and causes strange dreams. There’s also something about Satanists. It all comes to a head when she discovers the gateway to Hell in her basement. A pelican rapes her, an egg is hatched… don’t ask me. With Daria Nicolodi, Mariangelo Giardano, Giovanni Lombardo Radice, Tomas Arana, Donald O’Brien and director Soavi.

SECURITY GUARD FROM HELL See: THE GUARD FROM UNDERGROUND

SEDDOK, SON OF SATAN See: ATOM AGE VAMPIRE

THE SEDUCTRESS See: THE TEACHER

SEEDING OF A GHOST (chung gwai; zhong gui) (1983 HK) D: YANG CHUAN/TSUI SUI KEUNG/PHILLIP KO FEI P: MONA FONG/WONG KA HEE A cab driver (Norman Chu) is warned of impending doom. His croupier wife has an affair with a gambler and is then beaten, raped and killed by a couple of thugs. The husband digs up her skeleton and takes it to a witch doctor. Soon people are vomiting worms, a spine bursts out of a guy’s back, and there’s an odd, mystical necrophilia scene between a skeleton and a dead body. This could be considered an unofficial, more outrageous follow up to the BLACK MAGIC trilogy from the 70s. This one is a lot more boring, though, despite some more graphic moments, but stick around for the finale in which a woman’s placenta bursts out of her stomach and attacks a guy’s face (later copied in BODY MELT)! Her gaping womb then grows teeth, tentacles and a head! With Phillip Ko Fei and Wong Yung.

SEED OF TERROR See: GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE

THE SEEDS OF EVIL (the gardener) (1974 US) D/W: JIM H. KAY P: TONY BELLETIER The iconic Joe Dallesandro (who never puts on a shirt) deadpans his way through this weird, slow-moving drama set in Puerto Rico. He’s a gardener out of work after his employer dies. He’s hired by an American woman (and her jealous husband), and he turns her garden into an amazingly fertile plot of impossibly rare and beautiful flowers. He also seems to be responsible for deaths, and turns into a tree (!) at the end. It’s full of talk, but might be of interest for those looking for something quietly different. Baseball pro Ivan Rodriguez has a part.

SEE THE SEA See: REGARDE LA MER

SEIJU GAKUEN (school of the holy beast; convent of the sacred beast) (1974 JPN) D/W: NORIFUMI SUZUKI W: MASAHIRO KAKEFUDA Had your fill of period European nunsploitation movies? Try this modern-day set Japanese release (from Toei). It’s very well done, filled with great blasphemous imagery and pretty disturbing. Yumi Takigawa (who later became very famous) stars and looks great naked. She enlists in a convent (“where a woman can’t be a woman”) to investigate her late nun mother’s death. There’s the expected lesbian groping (with a foreign girl billed as “Marie Antoinette”), whippings and Takigawa is bound in thorn-covered vines. A priest rapes nuns. An outsider Mother Superior attempts to cleanse the convent of sins in the genuinely tense climax… and more. With Fumio Watanabe, and see if you can spot Haiato Tani from ULTRAMAN at the beginning. Director Norifumi also made the excellent STAR OF DAVID: BEAUTY HUNTING, and wrote the original manga on which this was based.

SEISAN (199? JPN) D: MASAMI AKITA Akita is most well-known as the ultra-prolific noise musician Merzbow (sometimes a collective). His Right Brain Productions released a series of hara-kiri (or seppuku) videos; this is number six, I believe. A young girl in a school uniform looks through a photo album, fetishistically caresses a knife, followed by her stomach before slowly eviscerating herself as Akita’s music is heard on the soundtrack. At just under an hour, it’s extremely protracted. I hope you don’t expect me to critique this, it is what it is and I suppose the curious (a I was) will seek it out, but I have no desire to view the whole series (different uniforms). In its favour (as I think maybe this is what it was trying to achieve), the death scene is less “shocking” and more elegiac than you might think. Akita has also been involved with several bondage performance videos, I believe.

SEIZURE (queen of evil) (1974 CAN) D/W: OLIVER STONE W: EDWARD MANN P: GARRARD GLENN/ JEFFREY KAPELMAN Stone’s first feature is a pretty good horror fantasy, much less ham-fisted and more effective than most of his later, more serious and political epics. Martine Beswick is the queen of evil who, with the help of big Henry Baker and little Hervé Villechaize terrorises some unlikeable swingers at a cabin in the woods. Troy Donahue, Jonathan Frid, Mary Woronov, Christina Pickles and Joseph Sinola are the victims in this strange curio with a shocking surprise ending lifted from Bergman’s HOUR OF THE WOLF. This was made at a time when Stone occupied the same orbit as Joel M. Reed (BLOODSUCKING FREAKS), Lloyd Kaufman (of Troma fame) and Theodore Gershuny (who had previously directed ex-wife Woronov in SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT and SUGAR COOKIES). Stone made another “straight” horror, THE HAND.

SELF DEFENSE (siege; night warriors) (1982 CAN) D/W/P: PAUL DONOVAN D/P: MAURA O’CONNELL P: MICHAEL DONOVAN/JOHN WALSCH The setting for this low-budget gem (in the ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 mould) is a major urban city in the near future, and the police are on strike (just like in ROBOCOP). A hate group called New Order terrorise and kill the patrons of a gay bar. One guy escapes and seeks refuge in a tenement, the only inhabited building in that part of town (very 80s menacing dark city feel). The residents (who have the filthiest bath I have ever seen) fight back using limited, makeshift weaponry as the fascistic killers put a sniper on the roof opposite and try to kill them all. The way the suspenseful action convinces us cinematically of realityimprobable war games inside the building is like a miniature version of the urban carnage later seen in LEON. The unfamiliar cast is largely very good, there are nice subtle touches of irony and humour, and the icing on the cake is Peter Jermyn and Drew King’s time capsule synth score. Nice final surprise, too. Shot in Halifax, Nova Scotia. The same people made the somewhat less successful post-apocalyptic parody DEF-CON 4 (1984) next.

SEMA, THE WARRIOR OF AYODHAYA (khun suk) (2003 THAI) D/P: THANIT JITNUKUL W: GONGGIAT KOMSIRI/YOTPONG POLSUP P: PASIT BURANACHAN/ ISARA NADEE/ARUNOTAI AEANJITRANON Vorawit Kaewphet stars as Sema, a poor swordsmith’s son who must fight corrupt hierarchy during a time of war to earn the right to be with the princess that he loves. This epic 17th century romantic action adventure is too formulaic to generate much interest. But those who like these kinds of stories might be interested to see an obviously low-budget (compared to Hollywood) Thai movie looking every bit as slick and professional as anything else out there.

SENATOR LIKES WOMEN See: THE EROTICIST

THE SENDER (1982 UK) D: ROGER CHRISTIAN W: THOMAS BAUM P: EDWARD S. FELDMAN Zeljko Ivanek is a suicidal psychic whose power cause patients and staff at a mental hospital to hallucinate in this pretty good, low-key movie from the future director of NOSTRADAMUS. With Shirley Knight, Paul Freeman and John Sessions.

THE SENIOR See: MY YOUNG AUNTIE

SENKETSU NO KIZUNA (2000 JPN) D/W: DAISUKE YAMANOUCHI P: TADANOBU HIRAO Sixty-five mins shot-on-video update of I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE. A bunch of rapists (including a retard) rape two girls at a shack in the woods. The retard pisses on them. Rocks are shoved inside a vagina. Gory revenge results. A typical Yamanouchi shock-tactic production, but not one of his better efforts. With Salmon Sakeyama.

SENSATION (1994 US) D: BRIAN GRANT W: DOUG WALLACE P: JOHN MORRISSEY Kari Wührer is an art student at a new college who gets part-time work using her psychic ability for professor Eric Roberts. He gives her objects and she reads the sonic indentations as visions (it’s called psychometry). The objects come from a former student/lover of Roberts who was murdered in a big old apartment that Wührer moves into. This starts off fairly interestingly, but after too many boring sex scene visions and red herrings (the killer’s identity is easy to guess) you realise it’s just another overlong waste of time “erotic” thriller (and Wührer makes a very dull, uncharismatic heroine). With Ron Perlman as a cop, Chuck Zito and Ed Begley Jr. is funny as a sleaze in a bar (“Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?”).

SENSUOUS VAMPIRES See: VAMPIRE HOOKERS

THE SENTINEL (1977 US) D/W/P: MICHAEL WINNER P: JEFFREY KONVITZ Model Cristina Raines moves into an apartment with a view in Manhattan which (after much too long) turns out to be the gateway to Hell. Based on Konvitz’s novel, this all-star bore may have piqued your interest if you had heard about the ending with its mix of real-life freaks and actors (wearing Dick Smith makeup) portraying demons. But this really is at the very end, and you hardly get to see much of John Carradine as a blind old priest either. Chris Sarandon co-stars as Rains’ lawyer husband, with Burgess Meredith, Beverly D’Angelo, Sylvia Miles, Martin Balsam (who apparently studied monkey kung fu in his spare time!), José Ferrer, Arthur Kennedy, Christopher Walken (a cop), Ava Gardner, Eli Wallach, Jerry Orbach, Tom Berenger, William Hickey, Hank Garrett and Jeff Goldblum (who had his debut in Winner’s DEATH WISH).

SEPPUKU (hara-kiri) (1962 JPN) D: MASAKI KOBAYASHI W: SHINOBU HASHIMOTO P: TATSUO HOSOYA During a time of peace in Japan, an out-of-work samurai (Tatsuya Nakadai) arrives at a daimyo (Rentaro Mikuni)’s estate to ask for a place to commit ritual suicide. Through a series of flashbacks we learn of his true motivations and discover heartless hypocrisies at the centre of the samurai code. To say any more would deprive you of the pleasure of fully appreciating this stunning classic of Japanese (or in fact anywhere’s) cinema. Based on Yasuhiko Takiguchi’s book, it ranks alongside the best of Akira Kurosawa (just to give you an idea how great it is). With Tetsuro Tamba, Shima Iwashita, Kei Sato, Hisashi Igawa, Akiji Kobayashi, Ichiro Nakaya, a great traditional score from Toru Takemitsu and evocative b/w cinematography courtesy of Yoshio Miyajima. Unmissable.

SERIAL MOM (1993 US) D/W: JOHN WATERS P: JOHN FIEDLER/MARK TARLOV After the toneddown HAIRSPRAY and CRY BABY, Waters returned to more adult territory with this hilarious and noteperfect serial killer comedy. Kathleen Turner is perfectly cast as Beverly Suthphin, a cheerful housewife in suburban Baltimore who kills neighbours who blemish her perfect existence or threaten her family in any way. One old busybody is beaten to death with a leg of lamb while watching ANNIE because she didn’t rewind her videotapes. With Sam Waterson as the husband, Ricki Lake as the lovesick crush prone daughter, Matt Lillard (before he became an annoying one-note hyperactive bore) as the gore fan son, Mink Stole, Mary Vivian Pierce, Traci Lords, Patty Hearst, Suzanne Sommers, Justin Whalin, Brigid Berlin, Joan Rivers, Bess Armstrong, Waters as Ted Bundy and the band L7 (who perform). Clips from BLOOD FEAST, DOUBLE AGENT 73, STRAIT JACKET and THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE are used. Brilliant. The infectious PECKER followed.

SERIE NOIRE (1979 FRA) D/W: ALAIN CORNEAU W: GEORGES PEREC P: MAURICE BERNART Patrick Dewaere (who committed suicide in 1982) gives an astonishing performance as a hyper arsehole variant of the main protagonist of Jim Thompson’s exceptional novel A Hell of a Woman, here updated from 50s small-town America to fag end 70s French urban wasteland. He’s a down-on-his-luck door-to-door salesman whose descent into homicidal madness begins when an old spinster offers her teenage niece in lieu of cash payment (16-year-old Marie Trintignant, perfect jailbait, and offering full-frontal nudity. Unfortunately she’s dead now, too, passed in 2003). With Andreas Katsulas (later a star on BABYLON 5, and died in 2006) and Bernard Blier (died 1985). The only surviving main cast member is Myriam Boyer (as Dewaere’s wife). An excellent adaptation on all levels, and offering up some surreal additional scenes not in the book. COUP DE TORCHON (1985) was another fine French Thompson adaptation.

SERIES 7: THE CONTENDERS (2000 US) D/W: DANIEL MINAHAN P: JASON KLIOT/JOANNE VINCENTE/ KATIE ROUMEL Five people are chosen at random to take part in a reality tv game show “The Contenders”, where they must kill the other contestants in regular everyday situations. A heavily pregnant woman is the surviving champion from earlier games who must defend her title. This extremely well-written and put together update of THE 10TH VICTIM imitates the current trend for somewhat cruel and callous fly-on-the-wall “entertainment” down to a T. The action is constantly interrupted at important points by teaser trailers and the non-stop narration fills us in on what’s going on in a familiar prime-time tv tone. The “contestants” are all interviewed in insert segments, and a technical failure results in a reconstruction with actors. My favourite touch is the hilarious goth/punk student film. “Real people in real danger.” With John Ventimiglia. Minahan’s directorial debut, his previous credit being the screenplay for I SHOT ANDY WARHOL.

SERIOUS CRIMES SQUAD See: CRIME STORY

THE SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW (1988 US) D: WES CRAVEN W: RICHARD MAXWELL/A.R. SIMOUN P: DOUG CLAYBOURNE/ROB COHEN/DAVID LADD Anthropologist Bill Pullman is asked to investigate the truth behind zombification, voodoo and extreme drugs in this horror movie based on ethnobotanist Wade Davis’ fascinating 1985 non-fiction book. There are some good horror and SFX moments as Pullman is constantly abused and fucked around with, but Craven can’t seem to break the monotony of reality vs hallucination and confusion. And because Pullman’s character is such a boring opportunist we don’t really care what happens to him. And as for wasting great source material… sheesh! With Zakes Mokae, Cathy Tyson, Paul Winfield, Brent Jennings, Michael Gough, Paul Guilfoyle, Dey Young and the voice of Diamanda Galás. Craven went on to worse, though: SHOCKER.

SESSION 9 (2001 US) D/W: BRAD ANDERSON W: STEPHEN GEVEDON P: DOROTHY AUFIERO/DAVID COLLINS/MICHAEL WILLIAMS An asbestos cleanup crew (boss Peter Mullan, the ever-unlikeable David Caruso, Josh Lucas, Brendan Sexton III with a mullet and screenwriter Gevedon) are forced to work a tight schedule at a huge, crumbling old mansion that used to be a mental asylum. Some kind of spirit or force lurks there in this very well acted and suspenseful horror gem. My one gripe is that considering the tight schedule, no one seems to be getting any work done. With Paul Guilfoyle.

SE7EN (1995 US) D: DAVID FINCHER W: ANDREW KEVIN WALKER P: PHYLLIS CARLYLE/ARNOLD KOPELSON The second feature from the director of ALIEN 3 may remind you of some Italian gialli (the kind of whodunnits that Argento makes). Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman are a couple of detectives investigating a chain of brutal murders patterned after the seven deadly sins. Many critics felt this surprising, top-notch thriller to be too dark and disturbing, but major Hollywood releases could do with a healthy dose of (non mean-spirited) cynicism like this more often. With Kevin Spacey, Gwyneth Paltrow, Richard Roundtree, R. Lee Emrey, John C. McGinley, Richard Portnow, Mark Boone Jr., Leland Orser, Richard Schiff, Richmond Arquette, Charles S. Dutton and an opening credit sequence that’s been copied many times. It was spoofed by the Japanese SM SE7EN the following year.

SEVEN BLACK HEROINES See: GOLDEN QUEEN’S COMMANDO

7 BLOWS OF THE DRAGON See: ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS

SEVEN DAYS TO LIVE (seven d; du lebst noch 7 tage) (1999 GER CZE) D: SEBASTIAN NIEMANN W: DIRK AHNER P: CHRISTIAN BECKER Writer Sean Pertwee and his wife Amanda Plummer move to a big old house in the country after their son dies (he choked to death after eating a wasp). She starts seeing and hearing messages counting down a week to her death. He becomes immersed in his new book while becoming a violent arsehole SHINING-style. We discover the house has a dark history blah, blah, blah. Now I don’t mind derivative, but this isn’t even particularly entertaining and ends up making no sense whatsoever. Last-minute zombies in the cellar reminded me of THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY. With Nick Brimble and Gina Bellman.

SEVEN DAYS TO NOON (1950 UK) D/P: JOHN BOULTING D/W/P: ROY BOULTING W: FRANK HARVEY/ JAMES BERNARD/PAUL DEHN Brilliant, truly suspenseful and exciting b/w thriller is criminally undervalued. Barry Jones is a scientist who threatens to level London with a nuclear device unless the government immediately destroy the weapon he helped to create. Scenes of a deserted, evacuated London help make this memorable. See it and tell all your friends and help make it a recognised classic. With André Morell, Joan Hickson, Ronald Adam, Martin Boddey, Russell Waters, Victor Maddern, Geoffrey Keen, Joss Ackland, Sam Kydd, Bruce Seton, Marianne Stone and Ian Wilson.

SEVEN DOORS OF DEATH See: THE BEYOND

THE 7 FACES OF DR. LAO (1964 US) D/P: GEORGE PAL W: CHARLES BEAUMONT/BEN HECHT (uncredited) Tony Randall is a Chinese magician/illusionist/ showman/carny barker (and also appears as Merlin, Apollonius, Medusa, Pan, the Yeti and a serpent). He sets up a magic carnival/circus in a small western town and the inhabitants step inside for life-changing magical experiences in this really good, fun fantasy for kids and adults alike. Jim Danforth was one of the stop-motion animators and William Tuttle did the makeup. Their work (and everyone else’s) is top-notch, and this must have been great to see in a theatre. Footage from Pal’s ATLANTIS is used, but this is no schlocky bargain-basement footagestitching waste of time. With Barbara Eden, Arthur O’Connell, Minerva Urecal, Lee Patrick, Noah Beery, John Qualen, Royal Dano, John Doucette, Frank Cady, Argentina Brunetti, Doug Fowley, Bess Flowers and George J. Lewis. Based on Charles G. Finney’s The Circus of Dr. Lao.

7 FOOTPRINTS TO SATAN (1929 US) D/W: “RICHARD BEE” (BENJAMIN CHRISTENSEN) P: WID GUNNING This once-lost silent horror movie is now available in a version with Italian title cards (as LA SCALA DI SATANA), and it’s quite the discovery. Based on a novel by Abraham Merritt, I had a hard time following its breakneck, always changing story with multiple weird characters, but was never less than entertained throughout. Basically Creighton Hale and Eve Martin are driven away from a party (where gunshots broke out) in a sealed limo. They arrive at a sinister mansion where they see all manner of oddities and are eventually separated and scared separately. William V. Mong is a meekseeming hairy-faced man in a suit, Angelo Rossitto pops up all over the place, and there seem to be several (extremely cool) men-in-monster-suit gorillas roaming around. The secret panel/sliding door quota is pretty high. The title refers to the climax involving numbered steps that light up, and Old Scratch himself. If you imagine all those haunted house clichés you’ve seen before at top speed with great set designs and a dreamlike world-of-shadows veneer, then you have an idea what this important obscurity is like. With Nora Cecil, Kamiyama Sojin, Sheldon Lewis, Loretta Young, Ivan Christy, DeWitt Jennings, Kalla Pasha, Harry Tenbrook, Cissy Fitzgerald, Louis Mercier, Julian Rivero and Christensen. The Danish director responsible for the incredible HAXAN made this, THE HAUNTED HOUSE, HOUSE OF HORROR and worked on 1929’s MYSTERIOUS ISLAND in America before returning home. Apparently original English title cards were written by Cornell Woolrich. Edit: Shocking Videos now carry a subtitled version.

THE 7 GRANDMASTERS (the grandmaster; hu bao long she ying) (1978 TAI) D/W/P: JOSEPH KUO W: KUO TAI WEI/YAO HSIN KANG A kung fu champion for the king’s court (Jack Long) travels around the country to fight the seven grandmasters (who all have various styles, my favourite being monkey) to earn his title. Li Yi Min is a young man who follows him around in the hope that he’ll be accepted as a student. But there’s more to this twisty tale than that. Another gem from the underrated Kuo (BORN INVINCIBLE, MYSTERY OF CHESS BOXING), with outstanding choreography from Yuen Kuei (who also appears) and Kuen Cheung Yar. With Mark Long. Wu Kuo Jen (director of NINJA HUNTER) was the director of photography.

SEVEN KEYS TO BALDPATE (1929 US) D: REGINALD BARKER W: JANE MURFIN P: WILLIAM LE BANON The year 1913 saw the release of the novel Seven Keys to Baldpate by Earl Derr Biggers (a forgotten but very influential writer who also created Charlie Chan). That same year George M. Cohan adapted it for, and starred in, a hit stage version on Broadway. There were three silent movie versions in 1916 (from Australia), 1917 (the only one that still exists) and 1925. This is an early b/w talkie (hit) starring the very likeable Richard Dix as a famous trash novelist who accepts a bet that he can’t write a book in 24 hours while staying at the remote upstate New York Baldpate Inn (during a snowstorm). His work is interrupted by unexpected intruders of all kinds, all of whom believe they have the only existing key to the place. There’s possible murder, mystery, intrigue and lots of droll comedy, and a double-twist ending. I enjoyed it quite a bit. With Miriam Seegar, Margaret Livingston, DeWitt Jennings, Lucian Littlefield, Nella Walker, Alan Roscoe, Crauford Kent, Harvey Clark and Edith Yorke. Arthur Hoyt was cut out. To put this into context for horror historians, D.W. Griffith took the popular elements of Baldpate and made (the hit) ONE EXCITING NIGHT in 1922. This led to an Old Dark House revival that led to popular plays like The Cat And The Canary, The Bat and The Gorilla, which in turn led to classic movie adaptations that really ramped up the horror elements, and a slew of imitations jostled for attention for years to come. James Whale’s early parody was the brilliant THE OLD DARK HOUSE in 1932. Further Baldpate movies were in 1935, 1947 and 1982 (HOUSE OF THE LONG SHADOWS).

THE SEVEN MAGNIFICENT GLADIATORS (i sette magnifici gladiatori) (1983 ITL) D: BRUNO MATTEI W: CLAUDIO FARGASSO/S.C. DACY (uncredited) P: ALEXANDER HACOHEN Some villagers oppressed by an evil tyrant give a sacred sword to renegade gladiator Lou Ferrigno, who together with six other men (including Brad Harris) and Sybil Danning help the villagers fight back. Cannon released this cheap peplum after the success of their Ferrigno HERCULES movies. It’s for musclemen completists only and features a crappy chariot race. With Giovanni Cianfriglia, Yehuda Efroni and Sal Borgese.

SEVEN NOTES IN BLACK See: MURDER TO THE TUNE OF SEVEN BLACK NOTES

THE SEVEN SAMURAI (shicinin no samurai) (1954 JPN) D/W: AKIRA KUROSAWA W: SHINOBU HASHIMOTO/HIDEO OGUNI P: SOJIRO MOTOKI Toshiro Mifune stars as the reckless wannabe samurai in this infamous, influential b/w classic that needs no introduction from me. Asakazu Naka’s great cinematography brings a special edge to Kurosawa’s storytelling prowess. Its plot intricacies were kind of lost on its Hollywood remake THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN. If you’re just discovering Kurosawa and this is your starting point, check out my personal favourite YOJIMBO. With Takashi Shimura, Seiji Miyaguchi, Minoru Chiaki, Daisuke Kato, Isao Kimura, Kamatari Fujiwara, Yoshio Kosugi, Bokusen Hidari, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Kokuten Kodo, Eijiro Tono, Kichijiro Ueda, Yasuhisa Tsutumi, Sojin Shin Otomo, Sachio Sakai, Akira Tani, Shoichi Hirose and Tatsuya Nakada.

7-STAR GRAND MANTIS (1982 S.KOR) D: SUNNY CHIN W: SZETO CHING P: TOMAS TANG Even for an Elton Chong (here billed as Benny Tsui)/Eagle Han outing (from Fiilmark), this is pathetic. They both play a couple of bumbling fools (Han being the slightly less foolish mentor), first seen cheating at a piggrabbing contest. They help a hard-working young woman carry heavy buckets of water and fight local villains. Han eventually teaches them the title fighting style after an overdose of unfunny comedy, but at the end they just swallow lots and lots of water and squirt it out of their mouths in long jets (why?!) before Chong/Tsui spits a toothpick in the main bad guy’s forehead. A wide berth is strongly recommended.

THE SEVENTH CURSE (yuen jan hap yue wai shut lee; yuan zhen xia yu wei si li) (1986 HK) D: LAAM NAAI CHOI W/P: WONG JING W: YUEN GAI CHI HO P: CHUA LAM Chin Siu Ho is an explorer who is cursed with a fatal blood disease when he interrupts a tribal sacrifice in Thailand. The girl he rescues even slices off her own nipple for him to eat to ease the pain! He must return to Thailand to find the cure. This is enough of an excuse for plenty of gory action involving monsters and a child-crushing machine. There’s also lots of bugs and worms. You’ll most likely enjoy it a lot. I did. With Dick Wei, Maggie Cheung, a pipe-smoking Chow Yun Fat, Elvis Tsui, Nina Li Chi, Sibelle Hu, Wong Jing, Chor Yuen, Yasuaki Kurata, Wong Yu, Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Kara Hui and Derek Yee. This Golden Harvest release is based on a novel by prolific screenwriter I. Kuang (who narrates). The director made the even wilder RIKI-OH.

THE SEVENTH FLOOR (1994 AUSL JPN) D: IAN BARRY W: TONY MORPHETT/SEAN GOODWYN/ STEVE MATTHEWS/JOHN SEXTON/BRUCE TROST P: HIROYUKI IKEDA/CHRIS BROWN Here’s another bad psycho tenant movie. Brooke Shields is an American working for a big firm in Sydney. Masaya Kato is a computer programmer who moves into her loft apartment and starts killing people who wrong her. It’s a slow-moving, hi-tech SINGLE WHITE FEMALE variation.

SEVENTH MOON (2008 US) D/W: EDUARDO SANCHEZ W: JAMIE NASH P: MATT COMPTON/ ROBIN COWIE/GREGG HALE Newlywed Amy Smart and her Chinese-American husband are honeymooning in rural China during a ghost festival, and find themselves stranded and hunted by naked white-skinned men (“Moon demons”). Shot on location in a gritty, low-budget guerrilla style, I can’t explain why this isn’t scary (it should be), but for some reason it’s all wrong. Shame. With Dennis (KICKBOXER) Chan. Sanchez was one of the guys behind THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.

THE SEVENTH SIGN (1988 US) D: CARL SCHULTZ W: “GEORGE KAPLAN” (CLIFFORD GREEN)/SANDY KROOPF P: TED FIELD/ROBERT W. CORT Signs of an impending Armageddon occur all over the world on a leap year. Demi Moore is about to have the first child born without a soul, the final step in the total destruction of humanity. Jürgen Prochnow (one of the most underrated actors working today) is a mysterious traveller who lodges with Moore and her defence attorney husband (Michael Biehn). It’s not a complete success, but this sometimes effective end-of-the-world thriller is a nice attempt at something different. With John Heard, Lee Garlington and Ian Buchanan.

THE SEVENTH VICTIM (1943 US) D: MARK ROBSON W: DEWITT BODEEN/CHARLES O’NEAL P: VAL LEWTON Brilliant but very dark and downbeat b/w chiller from Lewton and RKO. Robson does a fine job with a superior script and Nicholas Musuraca’s near-noir photography is excellent at setting the mood. Kim Hunter arrives in Greenwich Village to find her sister has gone missing from her apartment. There’s a chair and a noose in place. Turns out she was involved in some kind of satanic cult, but… See for yourself. With Tom Conway, Isabel Jewell, Hugh Beaumont, Evelyn Brent, Joan Barclay, Wheaton Chambers, Kerman Cripps, Edythe Elliott, Bud Geary, Barbara Hale, William Halligan, Lloyd Ingraham, Milton Kibbee, Howard M. Mitchell, Ottola Nesmith, Cyril Ring and Dewey Robinson.

THE SEVENTH VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1958 US) D: NATHAN JURAN W: KENNETH KOLB/RAY HARRYHAUSEN (uncredited) P: CHARLES H. SCHNEER A scheming magician (Torin Thatcher) shrinks the princess about to be married to Sinbad (Kerwin Matthews) so they must travel to the island of the Cyclops to retrieve the shell of a giant egg to complete a magic potion to return the princess to normal size. Kathryn Grant is the miniature princess and the magician is after a magic lamp containing a little kid genie. Of course, the main reason to watch this fun Technicolor fantasy (in “Dynamation — the new wonder of the screen”) is Ray Harryhausen’s great stop-motion monsters. As well as the horned Cyclops, there’s a four-armed snake woman, a giant two-headed bird, a fire-breathing dragon (that battles the Cyclops) and, most memorably, a sword fighting skeleton warrior (later copied in JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS). There’s also a giant crossbow. Bernard Herrmann provided the soundtrack. With Virgilio Teixeira. Director Juran also made THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS and ATTACK OF THE 50FT. WOMAN the same year.

THE SEVEN-UPS (1973 US) D/P: PHILIP D’ANTONI W: SONNY GROSSO/ALEXANDER JACOBS/ALBERT RUBEN Roy Scheider heads an unofficial bunch of undercover cops who use highly irregular methods to get the bad guys. The squad is blamed when someone starts wiping out wise guys. D’Antoni produced BULLITT and THE FRENCH CONNECTION, and like those more famous movies this decent cops and robbers thriller (based on a true story) features a great car chase. With Richard Lynch, Tony Lo Bianco, Joe Spinnell and an uncredited John Aprea. Grosso was a cop, and partner of Eddie Egan (on whom FRENCH CONNECTION was based).

SEWAGE BABY See: THE SUCKLING

SEX ACADEMY (madame olga’s pupils; las alumnas de madame olga) (1980 SPN) D/W: “JOSEPH L. BRONSTEIN” (JOSE RAMON LARRAZ) Helga Line is Olga (no relation to the 60s sadist Olga), a piano teacher in London who sends her young girls out to pleasure high society dirty old men with lots of cash. A travelling painter ends up working for her as a pimp, reluctantly setting up an unwilling girl after she’s been raped. He’s beaten up by a gang of street punks for his sins, but she exclaims she still loves him. “I’ve been a bastard and I’m grateful for your love,” says he, and they leave the country together. The end. Tepid and dull no-brainer from the Spanish director most famous for VAMPYRES.

SEX ACADEMY (2001) See: NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE

SEX AND FURY (furyo anego den: inoshika ocho) (1972 JPN) D/W: NORIFUMI SUZUKI W: MASAHIRO KAKEFUDA/TARO BONTEN P: KANJI AMAO Reiko Ike stars as Inoshika Ocho, a gambling legend out to find the trio of murderers who killed her (detective) father in this turn of the century sex and intrigue potboiler from Toei that co-stars Christina Lindberg (THEY CALL HER ONE EYE!) as a British spy used as a sex object in a plot to start a Japanese opium war! Lindberg in a Japanese exploitation movie (she was also in THE PORNSTAR TRAVELS AROUND JAPAN about the same time) obviously makes it a major cult item, and it’s not bad entertainment. But it’s a shame it never lives up to its wild, early slo-mo scenes of a totally naked Ike slaying a bunch of men with her sword against a snowy landscape. Blood spurts, breasts bounce… excellent! She also lays waste to many in the final massacre (set to blues, guitar) too. With Akemi Nehishi, Yoko Mihara, Seizaburo Kawazu and Taiji Tonoyama (and that same irritating comedian who was in that other Ike vehicle by Suzuki, GIRL BOSS GUERILLA). One scene that has Lindberg bloodily whipping a chained-up Ike in front of nuns (!) seems like an outtake from Suzkuki’s blasphemous classic CONVENT OF THE SACRED BEAST. FEMALE YAKUZA TALE followed.

SEX AND THE VAMPIRE See: THE SHIVER OF THE VAMPIRES

SEX AND ZEN (yuk piu tuen ji tau ching bo gaam; yu pu tuan zhi tou qing bao jian) (1991 HK) D: MICHAEL MAK DUNG GIT W: LEE YING GIT P: STE PHEN SHIU YEUK YUEN Go into the uncut version of this notorious Cat III sex comedy not expecting to be shocked or even particularly turned on. Sit back, relax and enjoy one of those rare breeds, a genuinely funny knockabout bawdy sex farce that manages to mix lowbrow cheap thrills with some imaginative set pieces for the arthouse lot. Lawrence Ng is the young horny “scholar” who does indeed get a horse’s dick grafted where his should be (Kent Cheung performs the task) and truly learns the meaning of karma through his escapades. Elvis Tsui is at his best as a sadistic love machine, Lo Lieh seems to be having fun, Tin Fung is Tin Fung, Amy Yip practises calligraphy in a neat way, and there’s also Carrie Ng. Based on Chao Meng Fu’s 17th century novel Carnal Prayer Mat. Recommended to those who know what to expect. Remade in 3D in 2011.

SEX AND ZEN 2 (yuk piu tien yuk liu; yu pu tuan yu nu xin jiang) (1996 HK) D: CASH CHIN MAN KEI W: SAI MOON GIN P: WONG JING This period sex comedy fantasy starring Rachel (Loletta Lee) and Shu Qi has attractive leads but is neither sexy nor funny. Bald Elvis Tsui (also in the director’s THE ETERNAL EVIL OF ASIA) practises “Iron dick” and breaks a watermelon with it. With Ben Ng (RED TO KILL), Wong Yat Fei, and ejaculation competition and a booby trapped armour-plated chastity belt. SEX AND ZEN 3 followed.

SEX BEAST ON CAMPUS (la blue girl: revenge of the shikima realm; inju gakuen) (1994 JPN) D: KANAME KOBAYASHI W: KOSHIRO AKA/TOSHIO MAEDA The first “tentacle” movie proper (from the Dreamy Express Zone company) even states on the video box that it’s a live-action LA BLUE GIRL. Sayo Hidaka and Megumi Takahashi are schoolgirl ninjas who battle an ancient warrior (Masato Gunji) who can transfer into, and travel as, water. This allows him to enter young girls’ apartments via the shower and rape them with his slimy tentacles. Thus resulting in undigitised scenes of penis-like appendages thrusting in and out of sexy young starlets’ mouths dripping a cum-like substance. These entertaining parts are unfortunately interrupted by a feeble plot and bad karate. Pretty dull really. With porn veteran Junko Asamiya and Momoko Nishida.

SEX BEAST ON CAMPUS 2: BIRTH OF THE DAUGHTER WITH DARK SPIRIT (1995 JPN) D: KAORU KURAMOTO W: TOSHIO MAEDA This sillier (and nastier) sequel is from a different director and has more outrageous tentacle scenes than the original (and even a little more plot). An infected girl gives birth to a tentacled beast and the ninja girls (one of them played by a different actress) return to defeat evil with bad karate. With Asami Jo, Junko Asamiya, some terrible interior vagina shots and a big vagina altar.

SEX BEAST ON CAMPUS 3: FEMALE NINJA HUNTING (1996 JPN) D: KAORU KURAMOTO W: TOSHIO MAEDA More or less the same cast from the previous entry return for more of the same. With many unbelievable excuses for nudity and masturbation. There is at least one more entry in the series. Kuramoto also made GUINEA PIG 2: ANDROID OF NOTRE DAME.

SEX BEAST TEACHER (beast teacher; obscene beast teacher; angel of darkness: live action; inju kyoshi) (1994 JPN) D: MITSUNORI HATTORI Here’s another live action tentacle series from the guy who made HUNTING ASH. As with most of these things, there’s not enough slimy tentacle rape action, and we are forced to endure some excuse for a plot. Includes a selling knickers to a burusera shop scene, a hilariously cheap “disco” set, but not enough cumsoaked schoolgirls for this reviewer. The sex demon possesses men this time. The SEX BEAST ON CAMPUS series debuted the same year (and is marginally better).

SEX BEAST TEACHER 2 (1995 JPN) D: KOJI SHIMIZU W: JUN FURUSHO More tentacle rape nonsense in this slightly better sequel (from a different director) as teens go camping in the woods. It copies THE EVIL DEAD.

SEX BEAST TEACHER 3 (1995 JPN) D: MITSUNORI HATTORI W: JUN FURUSHO The lone survivor of the previous entry passes on the parasite to one of her high school teachers. This entry copies THE EXORCIST (there’s a priest involved). With Ryoka Yuzuki. There is also a part 4 and 5 I have yet to catch up with, I think.

SEX CHARGE See: 2069: A SEX ODYSSEY

SEX CRIME OF THE CENTURY See: THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

SEX CRIMES See: WILD THINGS

SEX FREEDOM IN GERMANY (wunderland der liebe; der grobe deutsche sexreport) (1969 W.GER) D/P: DIETLER GEISSLER W: KARLHEINZ FREYNIK/ PETER HAJEK/JOE HEMBUS/GUNTHER RUPP This documentary about sexual developments in German society was dubbed into English and inspired several other “sex report” films in its home country. Some of it, like the sexual democrats political party, looks faked. It’s mostly stoned Euro hippies getting naked to a rock soundtrack, but you also get a defrocked homosexual priest pontificating with his pipe, a male prostitute with a new cockney accent, and controversial performance artist Otto Muhl smearing a woman in pig innards onstage before climbing a stepladder and pissing on her. Really only for ardent followers of mondo sex obscurities.

SEX KITTENS GO TO COLLEGE (1960 US) D/W/P: ALBERT ZUGSMITH W: ROBERT HILL Mamie Van Doren is the shapely young ex-stripper genius come to teach at college (“sexpot goes to college”, as the soundtrack tells us). Naturally she causes trouble by just being so attractive to men and not fitting the image of a genius. The typically flimsy nonsense Zugsmith plot also revolves around the cool Thinko the robot, a talking supercomputer. He says, “dance, doll” when a series of strippers take it off for him (a great scene in the hard-to-find uncut version only). With Mijanous Bardot (Brigitte’s sister), Louise Nye, Tuesday Weld, Conway Twitty, Jackie Coogan, John Carradine, Vampira, Charles Chaplin Jr., Harold Lloyd Jr. and a chimp.

SEX MADNESS (they must be told!; human wreckage) (1938 US) D: DWAIN ESPER It’s not as outrageous as Esper’s MANIAC, but here’s a good example of a sombre, overwrought sex hygiene roadshow picture. We are told in the opening prologue that syphilis (simply called a “social disease” in the film) is “worse than any criminal”. All the trouble revolves around an extremely tame burlesque dance show (an “exhibition of sex” as it’s called). A married man goes blind so he can’t work, and he and his wife give birth to a deformed baby. More fun comes in the shape of a walk through a syphilis treatment clinic where you get to see lots of horrible sores and scabs. With Harry Antrim and Rose Tapley.

SEX MANIAC See: MANIAC (1934)

SEX MONSTER See: WRESTLING WOMEN VS. THE AZTEC APE

SEX ODYSSEY See: 2069: A SEX ODYSSEY

THE SEXORCIST (1974/I) See: THE EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW

THE SEXORCIST (1974/II) See: UNDRESSED TO KILL

SEXORCIST DEVIL See: UNDRESSED TO KILL

SEXPLORER (girl from starship venus; diary of a space virgin) (1975 UK) D/W: DEREK FORD P: MORTON LEWIS Very cheap but cheerful sex “sci-fi” opens with unseen aliens visiting “the purple planet of the Dongs” (Earth). They land in London’s Piccadilly Circus in a tiny silver sphere (a ball-bearing!). One of them is sent on an exploration mission (while reporting back psychically) in the shape of (naked) blonde beauty Monika Ringwald (a German Brit sex comedy regular whose limited acting range suits this part well). She goes to a nude gym, is given a sarong to wear, wanders about Soho, a dirty bookstore, a men’s public toilet, sucks off a lecherous dirty-macker in a sex movie theatre, steals a baby (which she thinks is a midget!), gatecrashes a wedding etc. One very bizarre near-sex scene takes place in a room full of balloons. Everyone assumes the weird girl is Scandinavian. When she drinks alcohol she turns green (complete with Afro). She ultimately disobeys orders and falls for a kind, handsome department store worker who looks after (and eventually fucks) her. Odd, unpredictable and quite funny, better than most of its desperate genre. With very limited FX, strip club acts and a horrible theme tune from Don Lang (a trumpeter who played on The Beatles’ White Album). There may have once been a hardcore version.

SEXPOT SWINGERS See: PLEASE DON’T EAT MY MOTHER

SEX PSYCHO (widow blue) (1970 US) D: WALT DAVIS P: MANUEL S. CONDE It’s not very good or entertaining but this ahead-of-its-time item is worth noting: Pre-DEEP THROAT porno-chic that features gore and both straight and gay sex scenes! Mike Haven stars as the murderer (with a mistress sidekick) who hacks off a head with a cleaver! He later has his cock bitten off! With Sandy Dempsey, Rick Cassidy and director Davis.

THE SEX RACKETEERS See: MAN OF VIOLENCE

THE SEX THIEF (handful of diamonds; her family jewels) (1973 UK) D: MARTIN CAMPBELL W: “EDWARD HYDE” (MICHAEL ARMSTRONG) P: “TEDDY WHITE” (TUDOR GATES)/MICHAEL STYLE David Warbeck (from several Italian exploitation favourites) is a masked cat burglar who rapes all his female victims. But they don’t mind, have such a good time that they lie to the police about his identity and wish that he calls again. Terribly unfunny sex comedy was New Zealand-born Campbell’s directorial debut. He also made ESKIMO NELL and THREE FOR ALL in the same genre, and later helmed major American movies like THE MASK OF ZORRO and VERTICAL LIMIT. Look for Christopher Biggins! Screenwriter Armstrong directed the excellent MARK OF THE DEVIL.

SEXTON BLAKE AND THE HOODED TERROR (the hooded terror) (1938 UK) D/P: GEORGE KING W: A.R. RAWLINSON Third in a series of Blake movies (SEXTON BLAKE AND THE BEARDED DOCTOR and SEXTON BLAKE AND THE MADEMOISELLE seem to be lost), based on The Mystery of Caversham Square by Pierre Quiroule. George Curzon stars as the detective in this pathetic crime adventure that is lacking in the required serial-style atmosphere. Legendary early horror star Tod Slaughter plays the villain, The Snake. The head of a secret society of hooded killers, he owns a futuristic tv and throws people into a hidden chamber of snakes. Sixty-eight mins in b/w, with Greta Gynt (from THE DARK EYES OF LONDON).

SEXUAL PARASITE: KILLER PUSSY (kisei chu: killer pussy) (2004 JPN) D/W: TAKAO NAKANO P: HIDEAKI NISHIYAMA Some bikini models and their photographers are trekking through “the Amazon” (some woods just outside Tokyo, I expect). They find an abandoned building, dance around to a cover of the SHE-DEVILS ON WHEELS theme tune (by The Maneaters) and disrobe. One-by-one the girls (including AV idols Natsumi Mitsu and Sakurako Karou) are infected by the title parasite. Crude CGI FX render pussies with sharp teeth. Like most Nakano films, it has some cartoonish gore and wrestling (and is not very entertaining). It only runs an hour.

SEX WISH (1975 US) D/W: TIM McCOY/ZEBEDY COLT/MILT VICKERS P: RALPH ELL/LEO DE LEON It’s the porno version of DEATH WISH. Harry Reems seeks vengeance after his wife is killed by a serial rapist who breaks into women’s apartments (played with glee by Zebedy Colt). One of those films that’s actually more offensive now than when it was new. That (and the fact that it’s very well done) makes it highly recommended.

SEXY BEAST (2000 UK SPN) D: JONATHAN GLAZER W: LOUIS MELLIS/DAVID SCINTO/ANDREW MICHAEL JOLLEY P: JEREMY THOMAS Ray Winstone is a retired London thief living in a villa in Spain. Mean gangster Ben Kingsley comes over to force him to do a job back in miserable Blighty. What follows is a simple story that wouldn’t really impress on its own, but the flesh on the bones is the extremely well-written characters and dialogue (and the acting to carry it off). A pleasure to watch. With Ian McShane, Amanda Redman and James Fox.

SEXY COMMANDO See: GOLDEN QUEEN’S COMMANDO

SEXY JEANS See: MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH

SEXY PROBITISSIMO (THE MOST PROHIBITED SEX) (probitissimo; prohibited sex; super sexy interdit; forbidden femininity) (1963 ITL) D/P: “MARCELLO MARTINELLI” (GINO MORDINI)/OSVALDO CIVIRANI This comic nudie “documentary” charts the history of striptease from the cavewoman to a space-age “cosmic striptease” (alien antennae watch from behind some rocks). The best scene (on the FRANK HENENLOTTER’S SEXY SHOCKER PSYCHO REEL tape) is the nurse who strips for the Frankenstein monster. The smarmy narration in the US version was written by distributor Bob Cresse. Beware b/w prints because it’s now available (from Something Weird) in colour. Just over an hour long, it’s pretty silly stuff, probably boring for all but the most ardent 60s “adults only” fan. More interesting for me on the tape was additional fake advertisements for “Box Lunch”, “Box Airlines” and “Humpmobile Motors”. Women are seen writhing naked in a hammock, in the sea and in a hayloft as innuendo-filled narration pretends to sell a product.

SEYTAN (satan; turkish exorcist) (1974 TUR) D: MERTIN ERKSAN W: YILMAZ TUMTURK P: HULKI SANER Here’s a scene-by-scene Turkish-language copy of THE EXORCIST. Everything’s almost identical including some camera angles! Tubular Bells is heard A LOT! Not as hilariously cheap as some have reported, just a remarkable, audacious rip-off. Check out the green-faced guy in subliminal images that last a bit too long!

SFX RETALIATOR (the heroin deal) (1987 INDO) D: “JOHN GALE” (JUN GALLARDO) W: TIMOTHY GORGE/PAUL VAN Christopher Mitchum is an American FX guy in some unspecified Asian country, who rescues Linda Blair from goons sent by gangster Gordon Mitchell, using prop explosives. She stole something from him, and wants revenge for the death of her father. Mitchell has Mitchum’s wife kidnapped (and killed, but Mitchum puts little effort into acting concerned), so he becomes a vigilante with a tank full of weapons and gadgets. The weirdest part of this silly waste-of-space Silver Star Film release is when Mitchum uses plastic skeletons (!) and flashing lights to scare off assassin intruders at his home. The theme tune is horrible.

SHACKLE (saseul) (2000 S.KOR) D: MYEONG HUA JO W/P: NAM HYEONG KANG A bad writer (played by an even worse actor) lusts after his neighbour’s wife, sleeps with a mannequin, and humiliates and kills topless women in a secret lair. Godawful nudie psycho thriller is well worth avoiding.

SHACK OUT ON 101 (1955 US) D/W: EDWARD DEIN W: MILDRED DEIN P: MORT MILLMAN Odd, unique cult movie takes place at a small roadside diner near the sea. Keenan Wynn runs the place, and talks of scuba-diving in Acapulco with his traumatised best friend salesman Whit Bissell. He’s also in love with waitress Terry Cook, but she’s going steady with nuclear scientist Frank Lovejoy. Lee Marvin is the crude cook Slob, who’s actually a Communist agent! Also in pursuit of government secrets are a couple of factory workers from Acme Poultry! I told you it was odd. In b/w, with Frank De Kova and Len Lesser. I like the scene where Marvin and Wynn work out and compare muscles the best. I’m not sure what the screenwriter’s relation is to director Dein (wife? sister? daughter?), but she also wrote some of his other films, including his great, underrated horror western CURSE OF THE UNDEAD.

SHADOW (1982) See: TENEBRAE

THE SHADOW (1994 US) D: RUSSELL MULCAHY W: DAVID KOEPP P: MARTIN BREGMAN/MICHAEL SCOTT BREGMAN/WILLI BAR Expensive highprofile update of the Lamont Cranston/Shadow character (here unconvincingly portrayed by Alec Baldwin) is sadly lacking in imagination and thrills. We first see Baldwin as a drug lord in Tibet who’s reluctantly taught secret powers (this is never shown) to become The Shadow, able to “cloud men’s minds”. In 1930s NYC (incredible sets) he must prevent a descendant of Genghis Khan from taking over the world with mind control (another major problem is that this joker is not scary and doesn’t really seem to pose much of a threat). Some of the FX are really impressive and there’s a cool (if unlikely) invisible multistorey building in the middle of Manhattan. But it’s all so boring and lifeless. With Penelope Ann Miller, Peter Boyle, Ian McKellen, Tim Curry, Jonathan Winters, James Hong, John Kapelos, Aaron Lustig and Nils Allen Stewart.

THE SHADOW BOXING See: THE SPIRITUAL BOXER PART 2

SHADOWBUILDER See: BRAM STOKER’S SHADOWBUILDER

SHADOWCHASER See: PROJECT: SHADOWCHASER

SHADOW CREATURE (predator game 3) (1995 US) D: JAMES CRIBBINS W: JASON WOLTHUIZEN/ CHRISTOPHER WOJNICZ W/P: DAVE SCRIVANI In Cleveland a scientist is working on a new “Hairgrow” formula for ruthless businessman/mobsters. Small fish that have been exposed to the formula burrow under a fishing bait shop owner’s skin and turn him into a flesh-eating man-in-a-suit monster (that still wears clothes). The comedy (including the use of silly sound FX) in this God-awful low-budget gore comedy is painful. With an RBTG (really big taser gun). “Hilarious” outtakes are at the end.

THE SHADOW CREEPS See: THE PHANTOM CREEPS

SHADOW FURY (2001 US) D: MAKOTO YOKOYAMA W: ERIC KOYANAGI P: TAKA ARAI Shunned mad scientist Pat Morita makes some kind of ninja clone automoton (pro wrestler Masakatsu Funaki) who is ordered to avenge his master’s death by hunting down former colleagues (including Alexandra Kamp) and killing them with a samurai sword. Cop Sam Bottoms must stop him because he needs his liver. Fred Williamson is a bartender friend. Despite a few moments of genuinely impressive cartoonish fight action that uses wirework brilliantly, the rest of this cheap action movie is clichéd and shitty. Bottoms says “goddamn” a lot.

SHADOWHUNTER (rope of sand) (1992 US) D/W: J.S. CARDONE P: CAROL KOTTENBROOK/SCOTT EINBINDER/BRIAN LESLIE PARKER Worn-out cop Scott Glenn is escorting a Navajo Indian killer called Two Bear from an Arizona reservation to Phoenix. The dangerous cannibal somehow causes a car crash and escapes. Glenn gets out of hospital and teams up with a female Indian tracker to find him out in the desert. Two Bear uses ancient magic to get inside Glenn’s mind and make him physically and mentally weak. This violent tv movie has some nice ideas and a well-handled love story subplot that’s incorporated rather than getting in the way, but suffers from bad pacing and overlength. With Robert Beltran (STAR TREK: VOYAGER) and Gloria Reuben.

THE SHADOWMAN See: FEARLESS HYENA

SHADOW OF DEATH See: BRAINWAVES

SHADOW OF THE CAT (1961 UK) D: JOHN GILLING W: GEORGE BAXT P: JOHN PENNINGTON André Morell kills his wife for money. Her faithful (and not at all scary) cat causes accidents as revenge. Very silly b/w killer kitty feature. With Kynaston Reeves.

SHADOW OF THE KILLER See: DEATH RAGE

SHADOW OF THE TIGER (return of the scorpion; duel of the seven tigers; luk gap chin sau; liu he qian shou) (1979 TAI) D: YEUNG KUEN W: WU TIEN CHI/ WAN SIU KUEN P: ALEX GOUW Cliff Lok (RING OF DEATH) is recruited to fight an arrogant karate master (Phillip Kao) working for the Japanese in this unremarkable but solid kung fu entry that should appeal to fans. Lok learns a variety of styles from assorted wounded masters (many of whom are reallife martial arts masters). There are particularly good training scenes. With Sharon Yeung, Han Ying Chieh, Casanova Wong, Chan Lau, San Kuan, Pomson Shi, Yue Tau Wan, Lam Man Wai and Han Yee Sang. Choreography by Chan Siu Pang (who also appears).

SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE (2000 UK LUX) D: E. ELIAS MERHIGE W: STEVEN KATZ P: NICOLAS CAGE/ COREY FOXX/JEFF LEVINE John Malkovich is F. W. Murnau in this reality-based horror drama that toys with the concept that Murnau had a real vampire play Nosferatu for his 1922 screen version of the Dracula legend. Willem Dafoe is virtually unrecognisable as Max Schreck, always in full makeup. There are some nice moments, but this is a one-joke arthouse-aimed flop that’s sadly underdeveloped. With Udo Kier, Eddie Izzard, Cary Elwes, Catherine McCormack and Derek Hunter.

SHADOW OF THE WEREWOLF See: THE WEREWOLF VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN

SHADOWS IN AN EMPTY ROOM See: BLAZING MAGNUM

SHADOWS IN THE DARK: THE VAL LEWTON LEGACY (2005 US) D/W/P: CONSTANTINE NASR W: STEVE HABERMAN It seems a shame that there isn’t a full-length feature documentary on Lewton yet, but this 53 mins extra in the Val Lewton Legacy dvd box set is surprisingly good. It explains how Orson Welles’ CITIZEN KANE almost bankrupted RKO, and how Lewton was brought in (after working for David O. Selznick over at MGM) to save the studio with more commercial features along the lines of the Universal horror classics. What he delivered was not what they expected, but they sold, and were a commercial and critical success (for the most part). Time is spent on CAT PEOPLE, I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE, THE LEOPARD MAN, THE SEVENTH VICTIM, ISLE OF THE DEAD, THE BODY SNATCHER and BEDLAM, but THE GHOST SHIP (and its copyright issues) is only mentioned. They even go so far as briefly mentioning the often ignored non-horror MADEMOISELLE FIFI and YOUTH RUNS WILD (both 1944). So, why no CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE? We get a little about Boris Karloff, Jacques Tourneur and former editors Robert Wise and Mark Robson, but it’s mostly Lewton’s show. It made me want to see A TALE OF TWO CITIES (1935), and I didn’t know that Lewton wrote pulp novels. Interviewees include Lewton’s son Val E., William Friedkin, Stephen Jones, Joe Dante, Guillermo del Toro, Kim Newman, Ramsey Campbell, Harlan Ellison, George A. Romero, John Landis, Mick Garris, Richard Matheson, Robert Wise, Neil Gaiman and Sara Karloff. James Cromwell narrates.

SHADOWS OF DEATH See: BRAINWAVES

SHADOWS RUN BLACK (1981 US) D: HOWARD HEARD W: CRAIG KUSABA/DUKE HOWARD P: ERIC LOUZIL A cool cop show-style theme tune is wasted on this dull police procedure thriller about the hunt for a killer offing “bad” co-ed girls. A prestardom Kevin Costner is a suspect, but if you can concentrate on this bore, the “surprise” killer revelation is pretty obvious. [Illus.]

THE SHADOW STRIKES (1937 US) D: LYNN SHORES W: AL MARTIN/REX TAYLOR P: MAX and ARTHUR ALEXANDER Popular pulp and radio hero The Shadow/Lamont Cranston (created by Walter S. Gibson) was first adapted for the big-screen by Universal for a short in 1931 called THE BURGLAR TO THE RESCUE. It survives (but remains unreleased), unlike five lost sequels (TRAPPED, SEALED LIPS, HOUSE OF MYSTERY, THE RED SHADOW, THE CIRCUS SHOW-UP). This was the first feature (61 b/w mins) version, and it has not dated well. Cranston (Rod LaRocque) stops a couple of safe-crackers as The Shadow, then when the police arrive poses as a lawyer. He’s summoned to redraft John St. Polis’ will, but the man is shot dead. If you manage to stay awake, you’ll find out it involves a real estate/inheritance scam and gangsters. Cranston (who has a chauffeur sidekick) hardly ever becomes The Shadow, and a few brief edits could have easily turned it into a non-Shadow whodunnit programmer. It was made by the Alexander’s Colony Pictures (they were nephews of Carl Laemmle, and mostly churned out westerns), but released by Grand National (dig that clock logo), and there was a sequel, too, INTERNATIONAL CRIME. With Walter McGrail, Cy Kendall, Kenneth Harlan, Norman Ainsley, Wilson Benge, James C. Morton, John Dilson, John Elliott, Harry Harvey, Jack Ingram and Blackie Whiteford. Shores also directed CHARLIE CHAN AT THE WAX MUSEUM.

SHADOW WARRIORS See: ASSAULT ON DEVIL’S ISLAND

SHADOWZONE (1989 US) D/W: J.S. CARDONE P: CAROL KOTTENBROOK A NASA-funded laboratory under the desert is used for testing advanced dream states in humans (a naked woman with large breasts in fact). A hyperintelligent life form crosses over from a parallel dimension, assumes the lab scientists’ worst fears and kills them. This Full Moon release is not bad and easy to watch, but the script is half-assed and the (barely seen) FX are inconsistent. With James Hong, Louise Fletcher, Miguel A. Nunez Jr. and former Miss Universe Shawn Weatherly. Charles Band was the executive producer. Cardone’s other dream horror was the pre-NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET sleeper THE SLAYER.

SHAFT (1971 US) D: GORDON PARKS SR. W: ERNEST TIDYMAN/JOHN D.F. BLACK P: JOEL FREEMAN After the reasonably popular SWEET SWEETBACK’S BAADASSSSS SONG and COTTON COMES TO HARLEM, this major Hollywood production gave the 70s black action craze the major kick-start it needed. But it is actually one of the least outrageous and enjoyable of its type. Just a pretty average detective story with a black cast and hero, lucky enough to have that iconic, superb Isaac Hayes soundtrack. Richard Roundtree is, of course, the black private dick who can satisfy all the chicks. With Moses Gunn, Gwenn Mitchell, Antonio Fargas, Tony King, Lawrence Pressman and Parks. Based on a character from a series of novels by Tidyman. SHAFT’S BIG SCORE was the first sequel, and this was remade in 2000.

SHAFT (2000 US GER) D/W/P: JOHN SINGLETON W: RICHARD PRICE/SHANE SALERNO P: SCOTT RUDIN Samuel L. Jackson is John Shaft (a cop as opposed to a private eye) trying to bust a rich white kid who beat a black guy to death, and protect the only witness. It’s an entertaining enough action flick that’s better than the original (but in a different way) and it thankfully retains the original theme tune (no remix necessary). With Busta Rhymes, Dan Hedaya, Vanessa Williams, Jeffrey Wright, Christian Bale, Pat Hingle, Toni Collette, Josef Sommer, Philip Bosco, Daniel Von Bargen, Peter McRobbie, Zach Grenier, Meki Phifer, Catherine Keener, Elizabeth Banks, Isaac Hayes, Singleton, Lawrence Taylor, Gloria Reuben, Dawn Robinson from En Vogue, and original star and director Roundtree and Parks. Nice to see Hedaya (a decent actor who should get bigger, better roles) as a character who isn’t an annoyed, screaming police chief type.

THE SHAFT See: DOWN

SHAFT IN AFRICA (1973 US) D: JOHN GUILLERMIN W: STIRLING SILLIPHANT P: ROGER LEWIS Richard Roundtree returns as the black private dick who satisfies all the chicks in this third, much more serious entry. He travels to Paris (actually Spain) and then Africa to overthrow a secret slave trade masterminded by Frank Finlay. Whereas it could have been a superior exploitation movie with something to say (like maybe a Paul Verhoeven movie), this never quite goes full-throttle enough to fully satisfy. But it’s still a better film than the overrated original. With Neda Arneric, Jacques Herlin, Marne Maitland, Jacques Marin and Aldo Sambrell.

SHAFT’S BIG SCORE! (1972 US) D: GORDON PARKS SR. W/P: ERNEST TIDYMAN P: ROGER LEWIS This better superspy sequel has Roundtree returning to find stolen charity money and get revenge for a friend’s death. Moses Gunn also returns, with Julius W. Harris and a cameo from Parks (who provides music). Based on Tidyman’s novel. SHAFT IN AFRICA followed.

SHAKEDOWN (blue jean cop) (1988 US) D/W: JAMES GLICKENHAUS P: J. BOYCE HARMAN JR. Peter Weller is an NYC defence attorney tired of keeping scum out of jail. During a case he’s working on he discovers police corruption that’s making life easier for crack dealers. He teams up with undercover cop Sam Elliott to stop the mean millionaire drugdealer Antonio Fargas (who unfortunately isn’t in it much). This slick, good-looking action movie with great stunts gets laughable at the end, but making a movie with location work in 42nd Street movie palaces filled with empty crack vials was a good idea. With Shawn Weatherly, Shirley Stoler, John C. McGinley, Vondie Curtis-Hall, Rockets Redglare, Buddy Van Horn, William Prince, David Proval, John Finn, Harold Perrineau Jr., Holt McCallany and Paul Bartel as a judge. Clips from Glickenhaus’ THE SOLDIER are seen in a theatre. His earlier NYC vigilante movie hit and 42nd Street staple was THE EXTERMINATOR (spot the marquee for it). The next Glickenhaus/Harman vigilante flick was McBAIN with Christopher Walken.

SHAKEDOWN (2002 US) D/W: BRIAN KATKIN W/P: DAMIAN AKHAVI W: JOHN HUCKERT/DAN ACRE/ JOHN MATKOWSKI Federal agents Wolf Larson and Erika Eleniak get trapped in a bank (that was being robbed) with a bunch of hostages being held by crazed cult leader Ron Perlman, who’s threatening to release some virus. And there’s a possible air strike on the way! Boy oh boy, with all these elements at play, how can this release from executive producer Roger Corman’s New Concorde fail to be exciting? Well, somehow it manages it. With Deborah Shelton and a cameo from Katkin. Stock footage from both EARTHQUAKE and THE BIG ONE: THE GREAT LOS ANGELES EARTHQUAKE is used.

SHAKES THE CLOWN (1991 US) D/W: BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT P: PAUL COLICHMAN/ANN GOLDTHWAIT People who only knew Goldthwait for playing Zed in the POLICE ACADEMY movies were in for a surprise with his directorial debut. A pitch-black comedy about a clown called Shakes (Goldthwait) trying to beat alcoholism and keep his career on track. A local bar full of clowns is a good idea and I like the fact that mimes are despised. Not entirely successful, it’s a nice attempt at something different and sometimes hilarious. With Paul Dooley, Robin Williams, Kathy Griffin, Tom Kenny, Adam Sandler and a cameo from Florence Henderson.

SHAKMA (nemesis; panic in the tower) (1990 US) D: TOM LOGAN D/P: HUGH PARKS W: ROGER ENGLE Some medical students (including star Christopher Atkins) and their teacher (Roddy McDowall) play an involved Dungeons and Dragons-style game in a multistorey research facility. A thought-to-bedead baboon that’s been injected with endorphins kills them off one-by-one. One of the main problems with this overlong horror movie (apart from a lousy script, lifeless direction and irritating characters) is that the small, fluffy baboon is not very scary. It was filmed at the Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida.

SHALIMAR See: RAIDERS OF THE SACRED STONE

SHALLOW GRAVE (1994 UK) D: DANNY BOYLE W: JOHN HODGE P: ANDREW MACDONALD After their mysterious new flatmate (Keith Allen) snuffs it, obnoxious twenty-something friends Christopher Eccleston, Ewan McGregor and Kerry Fox decide to keep the stash of money they find in a suitcase under his bed. Some violent thugs come after it, and they argue amongst themselves about who’s going to take care of the body. While being nothing amazing (it was overpraised on its original UK release), this is a very good debut thriller (set in Edinburgh) from the Boyle/Hodge/MacDonald team (who would make the great junky movie TRAINSPOTTING (1995) next) with a nice streak of black humour and one of the best dead body disposal scenes in memory. A clip of THE WICKER MAN is seen on tv, and scenes may remind you of the Japanese WALKER IN THE ATTIC. With Colin McCredie, Gary Lewis, Peter Mullan and Hodge.

SHAME (1962) See: I HATE YOUR GUTS!

SHAMO (jun chi; gwan gaai) (2007 JPN HK) D: SOI CHEANG W: IZO HASHIMOTO/SZETO KAM YUEN P: JUNICHI MATSUSHITA A 16-year-old schoolboy (Shawn Yu) goes to juvenile prison for killing his parents. Fellow convict and karate instructor Francis Ng teaches him to defend himself against vicious bullying inmates. After release he becomes a raging, amoral killing machine who wants to prove himself in the ring at a martial arts tournament. Real K1 champion Masato is the main rival (managed by the still impressive Bruce Leung). Executive producer Hashimoto’s long, dark and detailed manga was set in Japan, but this oddly muted, fractured but sometime vicious, amplified and pretty fucking exciting karate action movie seems set in a future nowhere (parts were shot in Thailand). The ending is good, but leaves you desperate for more (I’m still hoping for a sequel, as there’s plenty left untold from the comic). With Annie Liu and Ryo Ishibashi.

SHANGHAI EXPRESS (noble’s express; millionaire’s express; foo gwai lit che; fu gui lie che) (1986 HK) D/W: SAMMO HUNG P: ALFRED CHEUNG/RAYMOND CHOW/LEONARD HO/WU MA Various characters want to get their hands on a treasure map in this allstar action comedy that’s mostly set on and around a railway track. Sammo’s in it, Yasuaki Kurata and Hwang Jang Lee are Japanese Samurai, with Yuen Biao, Rosamund Kwan, Kenny Bee, Lung Chan, Chin Kar Lok, Chung Faat, Fan Mui Sang, Lam Ching Ying, Liu Chia Yung, Richard Ng, Phillip Ko, Billy Lau, Meng Hoi, Richard Norton, Yukari Oshima, Cynthia Rothrock, Lydia Sum, Shih Kien, Eric Tsang, Wang Yu, Dick Wei, Tai Po, James Tien, Tyen Wah, Wu Ma, Bolo Yeung, Woo Fung and Yuen Tak. Jackie Chan is conspicuous by his absence. It’s a highly entertaining mix of lowbrow comedy and crazy stunts.

SHANGHAI JOE See: THE FIGHTING FISTS OF SHANGHAI JOE

SHANGHAI 13 (shanghai tan shi san tai bao) (1981 HK) D/W/P: CHANG CHEH P: SUI YU FUNG Here’s an all-star kung fu movie set in the present and disguised as political intrigue. The plot involving the weeding out of traitors within “the 13 rascals” is as weak as you can get, but who cares with this much top-notch fight action on display. I single out the blade fight between Lu Feng (and his cronies) and Andy Lau. This is preceded by the legendary Leung Kar Yan showing his stuff. But there’s plenty to choose from. With Chen Kuan Tai (with a moustache), Chiang Sheng, Chi Kuan Chun, Chan Sing, David Chiang, Danny Lee, Ti Lung (with pipe), Wong Chung, Chiang Ming, Wong Ching, Ricky Cheng and a brief appearance from Wang Yu as “Black Hat”. Highly recommended to fight fans who can happily ignore the back-of-a-matchbox script.

SHAOLIN (2010 CHN HK) D: BENNY CHAN W: ALAN YUEN P: ALBERT LEW Pretty disappointing mini-epic attempt about Shaolin monks resisting oppression from warlords in league with foreign invaders who want to build a railroad through their temple. Andy Lau stars as a military man who sees the error of his ways after his daughter is killed, shaves his head and becomes a Buddhist. He learns kung fu and kicks evil Nicholas Tse’s ass. Jackie Chan is a temple cook who uses a big wok to do “stir fry-fu”. There are also lots of brave, bald little kids. There are a couple of awesome, realistic scenes of temples blowing up, but otherwise this is slow, clichéd and lacking memorable fight scenes (the modern wire-assisted choreography by Cory Yuen and Yuen Tak is not bad, but there’s not enough of it). With Fan Bing-Bing, Chen Zi-Hui, Jacky Wu and Xing Yu.

SHAOLIN ABBOT See: ABBOT OF SHAOLIN

SHAOLIN AND WU TANG See: SHAOLIN VS. WU TANG

SHAOLIN CHALLENGES NINJA (challenge of the ninja; shaolin vs ninja; drunk shaolin challenges ninja; heroes of the east; zhong hua zhang fu; chung wa cheung foo) (1978 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW/MONA FONG This great Shaw Bros movie stars Liu Chia Hui as a Chinese guy who marries a Japanese woman. They argue over whose martial arts and weaponry are the best. When he ridicules her and insults her heritage she returns to Japan to study under her master. Hui makes the mistake of sending her a challenging letter which her master (Yasuaki Kuarata) reads. So a bunch of Japanese fighters arrive on Hui’s doorstep ready to defend their honour! Drunken kung fu vs karate, Chinese boxing against judo, spear fights, sword fights, ninjitsu… All of these skills and styles appear in wonderfully choreographed scenes (by Liang and Wilson Tong) that make this a joy to watch. The ending is a satisfying and refreshing change of pace from many “evil Jap vs heroic Chinamen” kung fu movies. With Liang, Simon Yuen, Norman Chu, Tong, Cheng Miu, Lee Hoi Sang, Ouyang Shafei, Cheng Hong Yip, Ha Ping, Hsiao Ho and Peter Chan Lung. Recommended.

SHAOLIN CHAMBER OF DEATH See: SHAOLIN WOODEN MEN

SHAOLIN CHASTITY KUNG FU (revenge of the dragon; siu lam tung ji gung; shao lin tong zi gong) (1981 HK) D: ROBERT TAI W: CHANG CHIEN CHIH P: CHANG CHI A ruthless gang out to hijack a shipment of gold simply burn a village to the ground and massacre the inhabitants when they get in their way. The survivors (women and children led by Alexander Lo Rei, who isn’t really the star) hide out in the mountains, befriend a travelling Japanese family and learn punishing kung fu techniques from a monk, and eventually exact their revenge. Anything by Tai tends to be a little offbeat, and there are some great touches in the fight and training scenes (choreography by Wong Chi Sang). But this is offset by too many kids singing songs and ill-fitting goofy comedy. With Ching Kuo Chung and Tai as an extra.

SHAOLIN CLAW See: SHAOLIN IRON CLAWS

SHAOLIN DAREDEVILS (daredevils of kung fu; the daredevils; magnificent acrobats; the kings of kung fu; venom warriors; za ji wang ming dui; chap gei miu meng dui) (1979 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: MONA FONG/RUN RUN SHAW Lo Meng’s father (Cho Tat-Wah) is murdered by the evil General Han (Wang Li)’s men. His travelling acrobat friends (Philip Kwok, Lu Feng, Chiang Sheng and Sun Chien) help him avenge the death of Pops. Surprisingly lacklustre “venoms” film has a minimum amount of acrobatic fighting despite choreographers in the form of Chiang Sheng and Robert Tai. With Chui Tai Ping and Chan Shin.

SHAOLIN DOLEMITE (1999 TAI US) D/W/P: ROBERT TAI W/P: GEORGE TAN W: RUDY RAY MOORE P: TOBY RUSSELL NINJA: THE FINAL DUEL was an 8-hour kung fu marathon made by the underrated madman Tai back in the 80s. An edited 90 mins version was released in an English-language dub (reviewed elsewhere). More footage made its way into this, a Rudy Ray Moore “vehicle” that includes some new comical dubbing, and some appearances from Rudy Ray himself (he says “motherfucker” a lot) and even Jimmy Lynch as Sam the Spliff. The new footage is awful, so thankfully there isn’t much of it. Kung fu fanatics should definitely see it, though, for the extraordinary fight footage that may be cheap and threadbare, but is highly imaginative. Tai was an unrecognised pioneer of wirework in martial arts films, and there’s some magic and gore, too. Alexander Lo Rei is the star of the original footage, with Tai as Abbot White, Eugene Thomas as Tupac (“you sorry apple-headed Zulus, let’s get some fried chicken”) and Toby Russell (Ken Russell’s son and the director of the documentary CINEMA OF VENGEANCE) as the non-bald Shabazz.

SHAOLIN DRUNKARD (wu tang master; tin bye chong che; tian shi chuang xie) (1983 HK) D/W: YUEN WOO PING W: CHIU CHUNG HING/FONG LEE P: WONG HOI Here’s another highly entertaining Yuen brothers follow up to THE MIRACLE FIGHTERS. Yuen Shun-Yi is the villain collecting virgin men’s blood and using a minion’s daughter to lure them. Yuen Yat Choh is the reluctant hero looking for a wife, who must face off against a poisonous man-in-a-suit toad monster! Great mix of expertly choreographed fight action, fantasy and comedy. With Yuen Cheung Yan, Brandy Yuen, Eddy Ko and Yueng Hoi Yi.

SHAOLIN DRUNKEN MONK (36 chambers of shaolin; the drunken monk; siu lam chui baat kuen; shao lin zui ba quan) (1982 HK) D: ULYSSES AU YEUNG JUN W: KO KOH P: KUK HING WAH Gordon Liu kidnaps a childhood sweetheart and learns kung fu so he can take revenge against the men who killed his father in this mediocre kung fu outing. With Chin Yuet San and Eagle Han. Yuet San and Lau Kia Liang’s fight choreography is fine.

SHAOLIN EXECUTIONER See: EXECUTIONERS FROM SHAOLIN

SHAOLIN FIGHTERS VS. NINJA See: RETURN OF THE DEADLY BLADE

SHAOLIN FIST OF FURY See: NINJA OVER THE GREAT WALL

SHAOLIN HELLGATE (heaven and hell; heaven and hell gate; saai chut dei yuk moon; sha chui di yu men) (1979 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG/CHOU LANG P: MONA FONG Here’s a (rare) oddity from Shaw Bros. Li Yi Min is a palace guard in Heaven who’s sent to Earth for helping forbidden lovers escape (I think; it’s confusing and major players like David Chiang suddenly disappear mid-story). Then after we see Fu Sheng sing (it’s a musical for a while, too!), Li Yi Min is sent to Hell where he must assemble a group of fighters to escape. In Hell, demons (quite effective make up) do martial arts, slice off gamblers’ fingers, crush people with a big stone wheel, and throw others into “plough Hell” (a big plough runs over them!). Very unconvincing scenes have skin peeled off and someone is cut in half with a big buzz-saw! Buddha himself turns up to help! Big mess of a film is sometimes reminiscent of the excellent Japanese movie HELL (1960), but with (very good) kung fu (choreography by Lian Ting, Tai Chi Hsien and Lu Feng) and long-tongued wizards like in THE SHAOLIN INVINCIBLES. The most memorable scene for me was when the heroic fighters slice open their own stomachs and the spurting blood melts an ice wall, allowing them to escape! With Lo Meng, Sun Chien, Phillip Kwok, Chiang Sheng, Kong Do, Chan Shen, Cheng Miu, Goo Goon Chung and Ha Ping.

THE SHAOLIN INCREDIBLE TEN (1978 S.KOR) D: “ARTHUR KING” W: MARK CHAN P: “TOMAS TANG”/ JOSEPH LAI Elton Chong stars in this pretty lousy kung fu quickie (from Godfrey Ho?). At least the final fight between Chong and Eagle Han (who also choreographed) is pretty good. For completists only.

SHAOLIN INTRUDERS See: BATTLE FOR SHAOLIN

THE SHAOLIN INVINCIBLES (yung jing meng song siu lam moon; yong zheng ming sang shao lin) (1979 HK) D: HOU CHENG W: YEUNG CHI HSIAO/ WAI MAN KEUNG P: YEUNG KUO PAO LUAN Judy Lee and her sister use Shaolin Heaven and Earth techniques to avenge their family’s deaths at the hands of an evil king. The same evil king has a pair of kung fu fighting gorillas (men in very tatty suits) and a pair of long-tongued wizards (again, the FX are awful school-play level). Slow to get going, it’s high level of quirky insanity makes for enjoyable viewing. With Carter Wong, Tan Tao Liang, Yee Yuen, Lee Keung, Doris Lung, Blacky Ko, Jack Long, Chen Hung Lieh and a real Scooby-Doo ending. It’s the last film directed by the maniac behind ZODIAC FIGHTERS.

SHAOLIN IRON CLAWS (shaolin claw; shaolin iron eagle; hawk’s fist; ying kuen; ying quan) (1978 HK) D: KO SHIH HAO W: LEOU SONG BOR P: KO HSIAO CHUNG Don Wong Tao is a cop at the dawn of the People’s Republic who discovers a plot to re-establish the Qing dynasty. This is a pretty good, serious kung fu movie that boasts some fine choreography and good pacing, and the final duel between Tao and white-haired Chang Yi is rousing stuff. Worth a look. With Li Yi Min, Chen Sing, Shih Ting Ken, Ching Kuo Chung, a fun opening credit montage, and music that sounds like it must have been stolen from a spaghetti western.

SHAOLIN IRON EAGLE See: SHAOLIN IRON CLAWS

SHAOLIN IRON FINGER See: RENEGADE MASTER SHAOLIN KUNG FU (shaolin temple strikes back; siu lam gung fu) (1981 HK) D/W/P: JOSEPH KUO P: KIM CHEUNG LEUNG If you only watch the very best kung fu films, this one should be on your list. Shaolin monks (including top-billed Mark Long) protect a Ming princess from Manchu invaders. Se Fu Jai’s amazing fight choreography ranges from balletic (drunken sword and spear) to downright brutal (the final monk v. Manchu showdown). Another classic from Kuo. With Chang Shan and Chen Chiang Shang.

SHAOLIN KUNG FU MYSTAGOGUE (18 shaolin disciples; killer fists; wu tang mystagogue; da mo mi zong; daat lut mat chung huet san piu) (1976 HK) D: CHAN PENG YI W: WAI SUN P: LEE HIN CHEUNG This may have a familiar Ming patriots and Shaolin monks versus Manchu plot, but has some memorably offbeat weapons and traps that make it worth a look for martial arts movie fans. No one really stars, more of an ensemble piece. With Carter Wong, Hsu Feng, Chang Yi (master of the “bloody birds”), Chan Sui Pang (also the choreographer), Kong Ban, Lung Fei, Sit Hon, Phillip Ko Fei, Kam Kong, Liu Ping, Suen Yuet and Ma Cheung.

SHAOLIN MARTIAL ARTS (five fingers of death; martial arts of shaolin; hung kuen yue wing chun; hong quan yu yong chun) (1974 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW If it’s from Shaw Bros with Chang helming a script by Kuang, then you can bet it’s worth seeing. This rousing tale of honour, revenge and chivalry is a fine example. Fu Sheng and Chi Kuan Chun star as students of Shaolin who must study special kung fu skills (there’s plenty of training scenes) to drive out the oppressive and strong Manchu invaders. Solidly paced throughout, leading to a somewhat bloody final duel where guts are ripped out and eyes are poked in. The always reliable Liu Chia Liang and Tang Chia were responsible for the flawless fight choreography. With Liu Chia Hui, Leung Kar Yan (minus beard), Yuen Siu Tien (pre-DRUNKEN MASTER), Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Lau Kar Wing, Kong Do, Fung Hak On, Tino Wong, Jamie Luk, Chiang Nan, Fung Ngai, Lee Wan Chung, Stephan Yip, Hsu Hsia and Alan Chan. There’s also some split-screen.

SHAOLIN MASTERS See: THE HEROIC ONES

SHAOLIN PRINCE See: IRON FINGERS OF DEATH

SHAOLIN’S BORN INVINCIBLE See: BORN INVINCIBLE

SHAOLIN SOCCER (shao lin ju qiu; siu lam chuk kau) (2001 HK) D/W: STEPHEN CHOW W: TSANG KAN CHEUNG P: YEUNG KWOK FAI Crippled ex-soccer player Ng Man Tat discovers mighty steel leg Stephen Chow, a Shaolin disciple who wants to spread kung fu through the nation. Together they form a team from Chow’s Shaolin brothers who use the power of martial arts on the football field. Hyperstylish kinetic FX perfectly realise the hilariously over-the-top cartoonish action that makes this hit action comedy such a satisfying audience-pleaser. With Vicky Zhao Wei, Patrick Tse Yin, Karen Mok Man Wai, Cecilia Cheung, Vincent Kok, Wong Yat Fei, Tin Kai Man, Lam Chi Chung and Lam Chi Sin. Ching Siu Tung was the action choreographer. KUNG FU HUSTLE was the follow up.

SHAOLIN’S SILVER SPEAR See: DEADLY SILVER SPEAR

THE SHAOLIN SWALLOW See: GOLDEN SWALLOW

SHAOLIN TEMPLE (death chamber; siu lam chi; shao lin si) (1976 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW Engrossing kung fu epic charting the progress of new Shaolin disciples who defend their temple from Manchu invaders. Another superior slice of Chang Cheh from Shaw Bros. With Fu Sheng, Chi Kuan, Lee Yi Min, Philip Kwok, Ti Lung, David Chaing, Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Chiang Sheng, Lo Meng, Lu Feng, Jamie Luk Kim Ming, Wong Ching, Ku Feng, Bruce Tong, Choi Wang, Chan Mao, Lam Fai Wong, Wong Chung, Shut Chung Tin, Yueh Hua, Chiang Nan, Shah Ting Ken, Robert Tai, Wong Chi Sang, Lee Sau Kei, Wai Wang, Cheung Hei, Shum Lo, Stephen Yip, Tin Hang, Goo Goon Chung and Hok Lee Yan. Hsieh Hsing and Chan San Yat were the fight choreographers.

SHAOLIN TEMPLE (siu lam chi; shao lin si) (1980/82 CHN HK) D: CHEUNG YAM YIM W: SZT HAN Jet Li’s debut feature is a mainland kung fu effort that has an instantly disposable revenge story concerning a plot against the Shaolin temple and tired comedy routines, but an abundance of exceptionally choreographed fighting and swordplay. KIDS FROM SHAOLIN and MARTIAL ARTS OF SHAOLIN make a trilogy.

SHAOLIN TEMPLE 3 See: MARTIAL ARTS OF SHAOLIN

SHAOLIN TEMPLE AGAINST LAMA (shaolin temple vs lama) (1980 TAI) D: ROBERT CHANG KIN CHE P: WILLIAM LAN/YIN YOK CHUNG This forgotten Alexander Lo Rei vehicle is an excellent kung fu movie, filled with plenty of mad, well-choreographed fights of various shapes and sizes. With Alan Chui Chung San (who choreographed the action with Tai, who stepped in to complete the film) and Wong Hap. Highly recommended. Not to be confused with SHAOLIN VS. LAMA.

SHAOLIN TEMPLE: 18 BRONZEMEN See: 18 BRONZEMEN

SHAOLIN TEMPLE STRIKES BACK See: SHAOLIN KUNG FU

SHAOLIN TEMPLE VS. LAMA See: SHAOLIN TEMPLE AGAINST LAMA

SHAOLIN TRAITOR See: THE REBEL OF SHAOLIN

SHAOLIN TRAITOROUS See: THE TRAITOROUS

SHAOLIN VS. LAMA (siu lam dau kwong lut; shao lin dou la ma) (1983 HK) D: LEE TSO NAM W: CHEUNG SAN YEE P: C.P. KEUNG/CHING KUO CHUNG Straightforward, solid kung fu flick stars Alexander Lo Rei as a young fighter searching for a worthy man to teach him advanced kung fu skills. As you can tell from the title there’s also some rivalry between Shaolin and the Lamas. Pang Gang’s great fight choreography keeps this moving at a nice pace. With Wong Chi Sang and Li Min Lang.

SHAOLIN VS. NINJA (1978) See: SHAOLIN CHALLENGES NINJA

SHAOLIN VS. NINJA (ninja vs shaolin; shao lin yu ren zhe) (1983 TAI) D: ROBERT TAI P: YIN YOK CHUNG During the Qing dynasty, Shaolin monks defend themselves against occupying Japanese. Kung fu fanatics will want to see this for the extended tournament scenes where monks face off against Japanese fighters one-by-one with a variety of weapons. With Alexander Lo Rei, Alan Chui Chung San (also responsible for the choreography), Yee Yuen, Wong Hap and Wong Chi Sang.

SHAOLIN VS. WU TANG (shaolin and wu tang; shao lin yu wu dang; siu lam yue miu dong) (1981 HK) D/W: LIU CHIA HUI W: WONG BAT GING Liu Chia Hui and Adam Cheng are students of Shaolin and Wu Tang, respectively. In public they put on a show of rivalry but are secretly best friends. That is until an evil Manchu prince (Johnny Wang Lung Wei) causes trouble between the two. They each return to their temples for advice and return to face the problem in a fantastic final duel. An excellent kung fu and swordplay flick with particularly good training scenes. Recommended. With Ching Li, Kwan Hoi San, Wong Ching Ho, Chen Miu, Chan Shen, Lee Hoi Sang, Elvis Tsui, Lin Ke Ming, Keung Hon, Sham Chin Bo and Lee Pang Fei.

SHAOLIN WOODEN MEN (shaolin chamber of death; young tiger’s revenge; 36 wooden men; siu lam muk yan hong; shao lin mu ren xiang) (1976 HK) D/P: LO WEI D: CHAN CHI HWA W: CHIN HSIN Jackie Chan is a mute student of Shaolin Temple. The first half concerns his training in preparation for the wooden men chamber. The second half has him giving an evil gang who killed his parents a good pasting. Prior to DRUNKEN MASTER in 1978 (considered the birth of the kung fu comedy), Chan’s early films are played seriously (with the exception of HALF A LOAF OF KUNG FU) and are not hampered by THE goofy comedy that turns some people off. While this is no classic, it has some good fight choreography (courtesy of Chan and Tommy Lee) and is very watchable, particularly if you’re looking for straight-edged action. With Kam Kong, Doris Lung, Yuen Biao, Simon Yuen, Liu Ping, Li Min Lang, Man Man and Miu Tin. Director Wei is, of course, most famous for helming the Bruce Lee vehicles THE BIG BOSS and FIST OF FURY.

SHARAD OF ATLANTIS See: THE UNDERSEA KINGDOM

SHARK! See: MAN-EATER

SHARK ATTACK (2010) See: THE REEF

SHARK ATTACK (1999 US) D: BOB MISTOROWSKI W: SCOTT DEVINE/WILLIAM HOOKE P: MANDY BRANCH Casper Van Dien is a shark expert investigating mysterious shark attacks in Africa. Bentley Mitchum is a corrupt doctor injecting sharks with some kind of hormones (that push them into “overdrive”) so he can later extract the cure for cancer (!?!). Ernie Hudson is the real villain, though (and the only entertaining part of the film), as a crooked landowner.

SHARK ATTACK 2 (deep rising) (2000 S.AFR US) D: DAVID WORTH W: SCOTT DEVINE/WILLIAM HOOKE P: DANNY LERNER/MARLOW DE MARDT/BRIGID OLEN Kids of the sharks experimented on in the first movie gang-up and eat people. As usual it’s either stock footage of them swimming or laughable plastic heads bobbing up and down for the close-ups.

SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON (deep rising conquest) (2002 US) D: DAVID WORTH W: SCOTT DEVINE/WILLIAM HOOKE P: DANNY LERNER/BOAZ DAVIDSON/DAVID VAROD A giant prehistoric Megalodon shark (like in SHARK HUNTER) terrorises a Mexican beach this time. In one of the many terrible digital FX scenes it swallows a whole boat. It’s mostly as boring as the first two films (but with more tits), but was worth sitting through for the hilarious scene where a guy on a jet ski is superimposed riding right into the shark’s mouth! I almost fell off my chair laughing. With Atanas Srebev.

THE SHARK HUNTER (guardians of the deep; tearing jaws; il cacciatore di squalli; el cazador de tiburones) (1979 ITL SPN MEX) D: “ENZO GIROLAMI” (ENZO G. CATSELLARI) W: ALFREDO GIANNETTI/ TITO CARPI/JAIME COMAS GIL/JESUS R. FOLGAR/ GISELLA LONGO P: ENZO DORIA Franco Nero (with long blond hair) is a former mobster with a traumatic past who spends his days on the beaches of a tropical paradise as a shark hunter (it was actually shot in Mexico). Confiding in Jorge Luke, he plots to extract a fortune sunk in a plane crash from an underwater grotto filled with sleeping (!) sharks. Werner Pochath (star of the underrated MOSQUITO DER SCHANDER) is one of the villains who wants the money, too. Laid-back and unexceptional shark attack/treasure hunt hokum kept me pretty entertained. Guido and Maurizio De Angelis provide the thumping disco score. With Patricia Rivera, Mirta Miller and Eduardo Fajardo. Castellari (who has a small role)’s other shark movie was THE LAST SHARK/GREAT WHITE.

SHARK HUNTER (2001 US) D: MATT CODD W: SAM WELLS W/P: PHILLIP J. ROTH P: JOHN CAPPILLA/JEFFEREY BEACH A Meglodon is a thought-to-be-extinct giant shark that used to rule the ocean millions of years ago. The crew of an experimental underwater research facility encounter one. Antonio Sabato Jr. stars as the vengeful facility designer whose parents were killed by a Meglodon when he was a kid. The situations for potential excitement are here but the typically cheap direct-to-video/cable visual FX make it impossible to get into at all. With Grand L. Bush. Roth was second unit director. Filmed somewhere European (note the accents) but the credits were too small for me to read (Bulgaria? Belgium?). Codd also helmed EPOCH.

SHARK SKIN MAN AND PEACH HIP GIRL (same hadda otoko to momo jiri onna) (1998 JPN) D/W: KATSUHITO ISHII P: KATSUAKI TAKEMOTO/KAZUHITO TAKITO/SUTOMU KOUNO Tadanobu Asano is the shark skin man, a criminal on the run from a gang (led by Ittoku Kishibe) he stole money from. Sie Kohinata is the peach hip girl running away from her abusive uncle/husband/boss who winds up falling for Asano. They are chased by various colourful gangsters and a weird hired hitman (who figures in a hilarious shoot-out scene). This Tarantino (and maybe also Kitano) inspired crime comedy (officially based on comics by Minetaro Mochizuki) has its moments and a good cast, but is nothing special. With Shingo Tsurumi, Susumu Terajima, Koh Takasugi, Yoji Tanaka, Kanji Tsuda, Shingoro Yamada and comedians Keisuke Horibe and Youhachi Shimada. The director made the more refreshing PARTY 7 next.

SHARK’S TREASURE (1975 US) D/W/P: CORNEL WILDE In his last film as a director, Wilde stars as the captain of a boat hired to look for sunken treasure. Yaphet Kotto is one of the divers. Cliff Osmond leads a group of escaped convicts who hijack the boat. The other major problem is sharks. It’s overlong and Wilde (who shows off what great shape he’s in) gets to spout anti-smoking and -drinking speeches, but on the plus side we have excellent underwater photography of actors facing off against (real) sharks. This was released the same year as the major hit JAWS. With Carmen Argenziano.

SHARKTOPUS (2010 US) D: DECLAN O’BRIEN W: MIKE MacLEAN P: JULIE and ROGER CORMAN Another wilfully ridiculous but precious little fun tv movie for Syfy. This time bad scientist Eric Roberts (working for the military) and his cute egghead daughter (Sara Malakul Lane, a model from Thailand) let a genetically engineered shark/octopus hybrid (is this a remake of MONSTER SHARK?) escape (in Mexico). I enjoyed seeing the CGI beast walk (!) on its tentacles, but the hilarity wore off after 10 seconds, and I still had a lot of shit to plough through. With Hector Jimenez and an amusing cameo from Roger Corman (his daughter plays the bungee jump victim, by the way). From the director of WRONG TURN 3 and 4.

SHARKY’S MACHINE (1981 US) D: BURT REYNOLDS W: GERALD DiPEGO P: HANK MOONJEAN Reynolds stars as a loose-cannon cop demoted to the vice squad. He gets involved in a mystery involving highclass hooker (and love interest) Rachel Ward and drug-dealer Vittorio Gassman. Henry Silva is pretty over the top as a strung-out assassin. With Charles Durning, Suzee Pai, Darryl Hickman, Bill Nunn, Forrest Sawyer, Danny Nelson, Robert Duncan McNeill and William Diehl (whose novel it’s based on). Not badly made, just uninspired (and overlong).

SHARON’S BABY See: THE DEVIL WITHIN HER (1975)

SHATTER (call him mr. shatter; duo ming ci I ke) (1974 HK UK) D/P: MICHAEL CARRERAS D: MONTE HELLMAN (uncredited) W: DON HOUGHTON P: VEE KING SHAW Stuart Whitman is an assassin for hire who’s been misled and used, ending up trying to stay alive in Hong Kong. There are no great shakes, but this co-production (between Shaw and Hammer, like THE LEGEND OF THE 7 GOLDEN VAMPIRES) is very good and has an interesting cast. Ti Lung, Lily Li Li Li, Peter Cushing, Lee Hoi Sang, Fung Hak On, Lau Kar Wing, Hsu Hsia, Yen Shi Kwan and Anton Diffring. And the theme tune (by David Lindup) is pretty cool. Hellman was fired midway through filming.

SHATTERBRAIN See: THE RESURRECTED

SHAUNA: EVERY MAN’S FANTASY (1985 US) D/P: ROBERTA FINDLAY Shauna Grant was a popular young porno starlet who killed herself (by gunshot) at the age of twenty. Many in the adult film industry thought that Findlay’s “documentary” about her to be beyond tasteless. An on-screen female reporter is out to determine “did pornography kill Shauna Grant?” Somehow she seeks to determine this by asking various women questions like “How do you feel about semen on the face?” while they perform sex acts (answer: “I love it, I crave it!”). Performers often exclaim things like “Shauna couldn’t have disliked this” mid-fuck. Pretty unbelievable stuff from Findlay, the grande dame of sleaze. With Rachel Ashley, Gina Carrera, Sharon Kane, Desiree Lane, Amber Lynn, Kelly Nichols, Paul Thomas and Karen Summer.

SHAUN OF THE DEAD (zombie party) (2004 UK FRA US) D/W: EDGAR WRIGHT W: SIMON PEGG P: NIRA PARK Directionless slob Simon Pegg loses his girlfriend (Kate Ashfield) while a zombie apocalypse hits North London. With the aid of his lazy freeloading best mate (Nick Frost), he has to rescue her (and his mum) from the flesh-eaters. Couple Dylan Moran and Lucy Davis tag along, too. A local pub becomes their stronghold. This comedy-horror from the somewhat fanboy creative team behind the sitcom Spaced (let someone else list the endless cultural references) is surprisingly funny and likeable, if massively overrated by the faithful (you wouldn’t want to be cornered by a rabid fan). So everyone shut up about it already, but if you haven’t seen it, you may enjoy it quite a bit. With Jessica Hynes, Peter Serafinowicz, Bill Nighy, Martin Freeman, Tamsin Greig and countless cameos (Trisha, Jeremy Thompson) and celebrities as zombies (Chris Martin, Joe Cornish, Alan Jones, Vernon Kay, Matt Lucas, Lauren Laverne, Peter Baynham, Wright) and famous voices (David Walliams, Mark Gatiss, Keith Chegwin, Rob Brydon, Krishnan Guru-Murthy) which will mean fuck all outside the UK, but don’t really make a difference to the entertainment level. Zombie Nation’s catchy 1999 techno anthem Kernkraft 400 (using a synth line from C64 game Lazy Jones) is heard (I personally dig the Dave Clarke and Hardstyle Mafia remixes). Wright/Pegg/Frost followed up with the fairly amusing HOT FUZZ (2007) then Pegg & Wright floundered somewhat with their vehicle PAUL (2011).

SHE (1964 UK) D: ROBERT DAY W: DAVID T. CHANTLER P: MICHAEL CARRERAS This Hammer version of H. Rider Haggard’s story is quite good. Ursula Andress is the 2,000-year-old Ayesha, horny for adventurer John Richardson. In the lost city of Kuma she tries to make him step into the flame of eternal youth. Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee co-star, with André Morell and Bernard Cribbins. VENGEANCE OF SHE followed.

SHEBA, BABY (1975 US) D/W: WILLIAM GIRDLER W/P: DAVID SHELDON Pam Grier is a private investigator in Chicago who returns to her Kentucky home town to help out her father who’s being leaned on by gangster D’Urville Martin. Austin Stoker is the leading man. Adequate, but not as outrageous as other Grier or Girdler movies. For example, Girdler’s previous black-cast feature was ABBY. He made GRIZZLY (also written by LOVELY BUT DEADLY director Sheldon) next. Girdler regular Charles Kissinger has a part.

THE SHE BEAST (revenge of the blood beast; la sorella di satana; il lago di satana) (1965 ITL YUG UK) D/W: “MICHAEL BYRON” (MICHAEL REEVES) P: PAUL M. MASLANSKY Reeves had already done uncredited directorial work on future POLICE ACADEMY creator Maslansky’s CASTLE OF THE LIVING DEAD (1964), and then got to make this one himself. Barbara Steele (who shot all of her scenes in under twelve hours, she isn’t in it much) and Ian Ogilvy are wisecracking newlyweds honeymooning in Transylvania. They stay at an inn owned by Mel Welles, and meet Count Van Helsing (John Karlsen) who plays on a swing (!) and reads a passage in an old book that triggers a 19th century flashback in which a hideous, disfigured witch (very good makeup) is drowned with a ducking-stool in a lake. After Ogilvy punches out Welles for spying on him and Steele having sex, they flee the place only to be run off the road by a truck and drive into the lake. The trucker tries to rescue her (Ogilvy makes it out himself ok) but instead pulls out the dead body of the witch (which later comes to life and kills). Van Helsing knows that Steele is not dead, and helps a reluctant Ogilvy steal the body in order to get her back (it doesn’t make much sense). Comic relief Communist cop buffoons are involved in a speeded-up (!) Keystone Cops-style chase complete with silly, comical sound FX. It’s an odd, mostly silly film that does have some good scenes that hint towards the energy that Reeves later brought to his classics THE SORCERERS and MATTHEW HOPKINS: WITCHFINDER GENERAL, before his untimely death.

THE SHE CREATURE (1956 US) D: EDWARD L. CAHN W: LOU RUSSOFF P: ALEX GORDON Chester Morris is a “doctor” and carnival hypnotist who loves Marla English. The feeling is not mutual so Morris keeps her under his spell, touring the country while demonstrating hypnotic regression to past lives. After each demo, a scaly, big-breasted (!) monster (Paul Blaisdell in one of his typically interesting, oddball monster suits) rises from a lake and kills. With Tom Conway, Lance Fuller, Frieda Inescort, Ron Randell, Frank Jenks, El Brendel, Paul Dubov, Jack Mulhall, Kenneth MacDonald, Edward Earle, Luana Walters, Edmund Cobb, Bess Flowers and Stuart Holmes. B/w quickie from AIP is moody but very talky, worth a look for Blaisdell fanatics. His monster suit returned in Cahn’s worse VOODOO WOMAN, and this was remade by Larry Buchanan as CREATURE OF DESTRUCTION (1967). The title was reused in 2001.

SHE CREATURE (mermaid chronicles part 1) (2001 US) D/W: SEBASTIAN GUTIERREZ P: LOU ARKOFF/ STAN WINSTON/COLLEEN CAMP Carny barker Rufus Sewell and his fake-mermaid girlfriend Carla Gugino work with a travelling freak show in Ireland 1905. One night they meet an old man who keeps a real live topless mermaid in a tank. They steal her and get aboard a ship bound for America where they plan to unveil her. Gugino develops some kind of psychic link with the creature and a sailor that threatened her (Gil Bellows) ends up dead. This remake-in-name-only (one of a series of five Creature Features made for HBO the same year) starts interestingly and portrays mermaids as flesh-eating monsters in disguise, but does seem much longer than its 90 mins running time. The mermaid is played by Bellows’ real-life wife Rya Kihlstedt. Sam Arkoff was the executive producer. From the director of JUDAS KISS.

SHE DEMONS (1958 US) D/W: RICHARD E. CUNHA W: H.E. BARRIE P: ARTHUR A. JACOBS In this cheap and utterly ridiculous but undeniably enjoyable b/w classic of bad cinema Irish McCalla (SHEENA, QUEEN OF THE JUNGLE), her muscly boyfriend and a comic relief Chinese friend (Victor Sen Young) end up on a tropical island where Nazis led by Rudolph Anders transform beautiful young native women into horrible fanged monsters (in bikinis!) with lava. They are kept in bamboo cages and perform ritual dances. Mind-numbing and utterly wonderful stuff from Cunha (FRANKENSTEIN’S DAUGHTER). With Gene Roth.

SHE DEVILS IN CHAINS See: SWEET SUGAR

SHE DEVILS OF THE S.S. (1969) See: THE CUT THROATS

THE SHE DEVILS OF THE S.S. (frauleins in uniforms; fraulein without a uniform; eine armee gretchen) (1973 SWITZ) D/W/P: “MANFRED GREGOR” (ERWIN C. DIETRICH) Unlike the ILSA movies or Italian Nazi exploitation, this Swiss sex movie from sleazemeister Dietrich doesn’t concern itself with women-in-prison issues or the torture of women. Instead it’s about frequently naked large-breasted beauties enlisted in the German army and their hunger for sex. Occasionally some war drama stuff will interfere. Based on Karl-Heinz Helms-Liesenhoff’s novel, it’s not worth your time unless you’re looking for a kinky Nazi nudie without the rough stuff.

SHE-DEVILS ON WHEELS (1968 US) D/P: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS W: LOUISE DOWNE The Man-Eaters female motorbike gang rumble with a rival male gang on their turf in this, one of Lewis’ most famous and least obscure pictures. Unfortunately, it’s one of his slowest-moving and dullest attempts, despite featuring a gory decapitation (wire stretched across a road removes a biker from his head). Mind you, it does have a must-see reputation that’s difficult to live up to. Most of the Man-Eaters are not actresses, but real-life bikers. Pat Patterson worked on this. Lewis followed up with JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.

SHEENA (1984 US UK) D: JOHN GUILLERMIN W: DAVID NEWMAN/LORENZO SEMPLE JR./LESLIE STEVENS P: PAUL ARATOW After her parents are killed on an expedition, a little girl grows up in the African outback to become Sheena, Queen of the Jungle (Tanya Roberts) who rides a zebra (a painted horse) and has a psychic link with other animal friends. A journalist helps her bring a political assassin that framed her tribe to justice in this ridiculous movie based on old comics by S.M. Eiger and Will Eisner. It’s a family film, but Roberts still gets naked. Some unintentional laughs may keep you entertained.

SHE FREAK (1966 US) D: BYRON MABE W/P: DAVID F. FRIEDMAN Friedman got to remake one of his favourite films (FREAKS) for this seedily atmospheric love letter to the carnival midway, loaded with carny slang and believable characters. Claire Brennan stars as ambitious, stuck-up diner waitress Jade Cochrane. She leaves town with the travelling carnival, and gets her claws into the wealthy guy who runs the freak show (Bill McKinney, later famous for DELIVERANCE, and also in CARNY), but she hates the freaks, specifically dwarf Shorty (Felix Silla, the original Cousin Itt on THE ADDAMS FAMILY, wearing a cowboy hat). Her affair with the Ferris wheel man (Lee Raymond, who later directed THE ADULT VERSION OF JEKYLL & HYDE for Friedman) ends in tragedy. She takes over the freak show, becomes a complete bitch and fires Shorty. At the end the “freaks” (seen for the first time, they are leering and scary but not actual freaks) turn on her and turn her into a monster (makeup by Harry Thomas). Very leisurely and slow-moving, and padded out with endless stock footage of setting up the carnival, various midway acts etc., I can imagine it driving regular viewers up the wall (or sending them to sleep), but I actually really enjoyed this homage from the heart. Mabe (who had already directed A SMELL OF HONEY, A SWALLOW OF BRINE in 1966) also edited and appears as a cop. Friedman can be seen as a carny barker (which, of course, he actually was for a while. You should read his great autobiography, A Youth In Babylon). I also really like the instrumental music. Despite her character’s loathing here, in real-life Brennan and Silla hooked up for a while, and she gave him a son. In 1971, spook-show operator Donn Davidson added new 3D footage to SHE FREAK and rereleased it as ASYLUM OF THE INSANE. The pathetic, laughable new scenes (girl on a swing, a yo-yo expert, and men in monster masks lunging at you with a baseball bat, a hatchet and a knife) ran only a few minutes. These scenes are included on the MONSTERS CRASH THE PAJAMA PARTY SPOOK SHOW SPECTACULAR dvd from Something Weird. The tradition continued as Davidson’s full-length HONEY BRITCHES (shot around the same time as this footage) was later acquired by Troma with additional Fred Olen Ray/John Carradine inserts and released as DEMENTED DEATH FARM MASSACRE.

SHE GODS OF SHARK REEF (1956 US) D: ROGER CORMAN W: ROBERT HILL/VICTOR STOLOFF P: LUDWIG H. GERBER Two buff brothers (a couple of forgotten tv western stars) on the run for accidental murder are shipwrecked on the title reef, and rescued by an island of beautiful women (and one old bossy troublemaker) who dive for pearls and worship a shark. Bill Cord (PONY EXPRESS) is the good one who falls for a local beauty and saves her from sacrifice, and Don Durant (JOHNNY RINGO) is the selfish one who gets his in the end. One of Corman’s most boring (colour) AIP releases, it was shot on the fly (by Floyd Crosby) to take advantage of the great Hawaiian Kauai Island locations where he made NAKED PARADISE. In 58 it went out on a double bill with NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST (it only runs 63 mins).

SHE MOB (1968 US) W: DIANA PASCHAL P: MAURICE LEVY Tony (Adam Clyde; his sole credit) is an expensive gigolo living with a company executive (Miriam Castle) who keeps him with cars and presents. Castle also plays Big Shim, “the bitchiest dyke in the world” who’s just bust three accomplices out of jail. They need a man (Big Shim’s got her own big-breasted blonde called Baby), so they kidnap Tony for sex and a ransom. Executive Castle hires a female detective called Sweety East (a take-off of Honey West) to find him. This b/w nudie thriller filmed in Texas for Sack Amusements is a classic of its kind, with good dialogue, a cool soundtrack and not forgetting Shim’s dangerous metal bra. Recommended.

SHE MONSTERS OF THE NIGHT See: FRANKENSTEIN’S DAUGHTER

THE SHERIFF AND THE SATELLITE KID (uno sceriffo extra terrestre — poto extra emolto terrestre) (1979 ITL) D: MICHELE LUPO W: MARCELLO FONDATO/ FRANCESCO SCARDAMAGLIA P: ELLO SCARDAMAGLIA Bud Spencer is an American small-town sheriff with an old deputy who speaks only in rhyme. He befriends a little kid called H725 who’s in fact an alien who can talk to animals, make objects move at will (the film is run back and forth for this effect) and has a “plutonic ray”. The alien kid is played by Cary Guffey from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND. The theme tune (“I’m the Sheriff”) by The Oliver Onions is extremely catchy (I can still be caught singing it in the odd moment) and this is a silly yet likeable cheap-rate sci-fi adventure for kids. Spencer and Guffey actually returned in a sequel, EVERYTHING HAPPENS TO ME.

SHERLOCK HOLMES See: THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND SAUCY JACK See: MURDER BY DECREE

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE SCARLET CLAW See: THE SCARLET CLAW

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE SECRET CODE See: DRESSED TO KILL (1946)

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE SECRET WEAPON (the secret weapon) (1942 US) D: ROY WILLIAM NEILL W: EDWARD T. LOVE/W. SCOTT DARLING/EDMUND L. HARTMANN Even the worst of the Basil Rathbone/Nigel Greene series is worth watching. Loosely based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Adventures of the Dancing Man, it’s a typically patriotic WWII era adventure as Moriarty (Lionel Atwill) helps Nazis put together an advanced four-part explosives device that will help them win the war. Dennis Hoey and Mary Gordon are Lestrade and Mrs. Gordon, with William Post Jr., Paul Fix and Phillip Van Zandt. SHERLOCK HOLMES IN WASHINGTON was next.

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE SPIDER WOMAN (the spider woman) (1944 US) D/P: ROY WILLIAM NEILL W: BERTRAM MILLHAUSER Gale Sondergaard is the cunning, intelligent and playful villainess in this b/w Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce Holmes and Watson adventure. She convinces wealthy men to sign over their life savings before being bitten by poisoned tarantulas. It’s not one of the best in the series, but you’ll want to see it for Angelo Rossitto in blackface as a pygmy (Holmes calls him a “creature”). Rathbone himself also dons blackface (and a turban). With Mary Gordon, Dennis Hoey, Alec Craig, Arthur Hohl, Harry Cording, Teddy Infuhr, Belle Mitchell, John Rogers and Gene Roth. Anti-Nazi sentiment is integrated into the finale this time, so there’s no pro-Allies speech. THE SCARLET CLAW followed.

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE VOICE OF TERROR (1942 US) D: JACK RAWLINS W: LYNN RIGGS/ ROBERT D. ANDREWS After being in THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES and THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES for Fox, Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce (as Watson) signed on for twelve b/w Universal pictures. This first one (the only one not directed by Roy William Neill) is not one of the best (things would pick up considerably later in the series) but is worth watching anyway, if just to see Holmes’ haircut! Nazis are trying to destroy British wartime morale by broadcasting the sounds of fellow countrymen dying in spy sabotaged train wrecks over the radio! With Dennis Hoey as Lestrade, Mary Gordon as Mrs. Gordon, Henry Daniell, Holmes Herbert, Rudolph Anders, Paul Bryar, Harry Cording, James Craven, Leslie Denison, George Eldredge, Paul Fix, Leyland Hodgson, Guy Kingsford, Michael Mark, Philip Van Zandt, Henry Victor and Harry Woods. Loosely based on Conan Doyle’s His Last Bow. SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE SECRET WEAPON followed.

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE WOMAN IN GREEN See: THE WOMAN IN GREEN

SHERLOCK HOLMES FACES DEATH (1943 US) D/P: ROY WILLIAM NEILL W: BERTRAM MILLHAUSER The Basil Rathbone/Nigel Green series of b/w mysteries really gets on track now. A giant human chessboard, the Universal DRACULA crypt set and murders at the 13th stroke of a clock. Great stuff. Based on Doyle’s The Musgrave Ritual, with Lestrade (Dennis Hoey) and housekeeper Mrs. Gordon (Mary Gordon) of course, and Milburn Stone, Hillary Brooke, Peter Lawford, Halliwell Hobbes, Gavin Muir, Olaf Hytten, Frederick Worlock, Charles Coleman and Norma Varden. SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE SPIDER WOMAN followed.

SHERLOCK HOLMES IN WASHINGTON (1943 US) D/P: ROY WILLIAM NEILL W: LYNN RIGGS/BERTRAM MILLHAUSER Important documents on microfilm have gone missing in this particularly entertaining entry in the Basil Rathbone/Nigel Bruce Holmes and Watson series. In real-life, America had entered WWII, so the duo go to the States and make sure we see just how efficient our newfound Allies are. That makes it of historical interest as well as a cracking yarn. George Zucco is the dastardly villain. With Marjorie Lord, Henry Daniell, John Archer, Gavin Muir, Don Terry, Bradley Page, Holmes Herbert, Thurston Hall, Mary Forbes, Ian Wolfe, Olaf Hytten, Kernan Cripps, Leslie Denison, Gilbert Emery, Mary Gordon, Leyland Hodgson, Charles Marsh, Clarence Muse, Jason Robards Sr, Margaret Seddon, Lee Shumway and Phil Warren. In b/w. SHERLOCK HOLMES FACES DEATH followed.

SHE WAS A HIPPY VAMPIRE See: THE WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN

SHIIKU NO HEYA: OWARI NO SIMIKA (2003 JPN) D: KENJI YOKOI W: KIM TEGWAN P: YUJI NAGAMORI/ HIROKI OOTA Terrible, toothless KANZEN NARU SHIIKU-inspired nonsense as a train station caretaker keeps a young office lady commuter imprisoned in a small room. Neither sleazy nor sexy enough to work as good exploitation, and the arty, meditative angle is really for the birds. With appearances from Rie Negishi and Kennichi Endo.

SHIKOKU (1999 JPN) D: SHUNICHI NAGASAKI W: TAKUMI MANDA/TAKENORI SENDO P: MASAO NAGAI/YASUSHI TAKUSHOKU Yui Natsukawa stars as a young woman who returns to her home town on the island of Shikoku to find an evil spirit has possessed her dead childhood girlfriend (Chiaki Kriama). This sometimes creepy but mostly dull horror movie is obviously inspired as much by RING and SPIRAL as the book (by Masako Bando) it’s based on. With Michitaka Tsutsui, Ren Osugi, Taro Suwa, Toshie Nagishi and Makoto Sato.

THE SHINING (1980 UK) D/W/P: STANLEY KUBRICK W: DIANE JOHNSON P: ROBERT FRYER/MARY LEA JOHNSON/MARTIN RICHARDS While it is definitely one of the better Stephen King adaptations, Kubrick is not really well suited to the horror genre. Jack Nicholson is the wannabe writer acting as caretaker at a remote snowed-in hotel during the winter. Shelley Duvall is his wife and Danny Lloyd is their psychic little boy who gets flashbacks and visions concerning the previous caretaker who had slaughtered his family with an axe. It has its moments, but didn’t need to be over two hours long. With Scatman Crothers, Joe Turkel, Barry Nelson and Anne Jackson. It’s a film that inspires obsessive devotion in some people, in fact the 2011 documentary ROOM 237 gives voice to several conspiracy theorists who can read all sorts of coded messages in the film. (The doc has a potentially interesting premise about how good art can reflect more about the consumer than the artist, but it was actually too much like spending time in the company of annoying, confused stoners.) Kubrick made FULL METAL JACKET next.

THE SHINING (1997 US) D: MICK GARRIS W: STEPHEN KING P: MARK CARLINER Recovering alcoholic and struggling playwright Steve Webber, his wife Rebecca De Mornay and their psychic little boy (Courtland Mead) stay at the big haunted hotel about to be snowbound in this four-and-a-half hour (!) long miniseries. Because King wrote it, it’s closer to the original novel than Stanley Kubrick’s 1980 version, but is very, very tedious, not scary and full of typical tv overstatements. Steve Johnson’s makeup is ok, but CGI hedge animals that come to life are not. With Melvin Van Peebles, Elliott Gould, Pat Hingle, Stanley Anderson, Shawnee Smith as a waitress, Sam Raimi, Frank Darabont, David J. Schow, Preston Sturges Jr., and King and Garris.

SHINING SEX (la fille au sèxe brilliant) (1975 FRA ITL BEL SWITZ) D: JESÚS FRANCO P: DANIEL LESOUER This absolutely insane yet deadly dull slice of rubbish has Lina Romay lying on a bed with an alien pussy glinting with glitter while some kind of plot revolves around it. Indescribable. Franco has a large acting part, with Olivier Mathot.

SHINING STAR See: THAT’S THE WAY OF THE WORLD

SHINJUKU INCIDENT (san suk si gin; xin shu shi gan) (2009 HK JPN) D/W: DEREK YEE W: CHUN TIN-MAN P: WILLIE CHAN/SOLON SO An illegal immigrant from rural China nicknamed Steelhead (executive producer Jackie Chan) survives a shipwreck and proceeds to look for his lost love (Xu Jing-Lei) on the streets of Tokyo’s Kabukicho district. Turns out she’s now married to a yakuza with a soft spot for the Chinese (Masayo Kato). Chan rallies together his friends from the illegal Chinese immigrant/worker community (including Lam Suet, Chin Kar-Lok and Ken Lo) against bullying Taiwanese triads and the yakuza, and convolutions abound, resulting in Chan becoming the reluctant figurehead of the biggest foreign mob in Tokyo. It’s unconvincing hokum, much too long and without much in the way of action. Daniel Wu is responsible for the best bits, two (unintentionally) laughable scenes. First when he loses his hand and later when he reinvents his character as a Visual kei-look junky drug pusher in a fright wig! Naoto Takenaka co-stars as a cop. It’s nice to see Yasuaki Kurata, too, but he has little to do (and nothing to say, but still blows everyone else offscreen). With Toru Minegishi, Hiroyuki Nagato, Fan Bing-Bing, Paul Chun-Pin and Kenya Sawada.

SHINJUKU TRIAD SOCIETY (shinjuku kuro shakai: china mafia senso) (1995 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: ICHIRO FUJITA P: TSUTOMU TSUCHIKAWA/ TOSHIKI KIMURA A half-Chinese cop in Tokyo (Kippe Shina) wants to catch the Chinese mobsters whom his lawyer brother has got involved with. This interesting, slow-moving and moody cops’n’robbers movie has lots of police brutality (including anal rape) and homosexual blow jobs, and a story that involves black-market organ donors. With Ren Osugi, Tomoroh Taguchi as a psychotic Taiwanese thug and future director Sabu (aka Hiroyuki Tanaka from WORLD APARTMENT HORROR). It’s the first part in a loose thematic trilogy from Miike. It was followed by RAINY DOG and LEY LINES.

SHINATRO KATSU’S ZATOICHI See: ZATOICHI (1989)

SHIP OF ZOMBIES See: HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES

SHIRANUI KENGYO (the blind menace) (1960 JPN) D: KAZUO MORI W: MINORU INUZUKA P: KAZUYOSHI TAKEDA Before he was Zatoichi, Shinatro Katsu starred in this dry run picture as a blind masseur (and Religious Affairs Sect Monk), but in this his character is a heartless, manipulative and ambitious scoundrel, rapist and murderer, who fucks everyone over on his way to the top. It’s an excellent, unfairly overlooked b/w period gem, based on a novel by Nobuo Uno. With Tamao Nakamura (later Katsu’s wife) and Toru Abe. Mori later directed some Zatoichi movies, and Inuzuka wrote for the series, too. Recommended.

THE SHIVER OF THE VAMPIRES (sex and the vampire; strange things happen at night; the terror of the vampires; thrill of the vampires; vampire thrills; le frisson des vampires) (1970 FRA) D/W/P: JEAN ROLLIN W: MONIQUE NATAN A newlywed couple stop off at an old castle in the country to visit her cousins. They are told that they are dead, but are invited to stay the night by the two beautiful young girls who live there. Some other weird characters turn up to spout pretentious Rollin dialogue. The most memorable image is a female vampire who emerges from a grandfather clock at midnight. Otherwise it’s a never-ending bore with a rock soundtrack. That said, Rollin does have his fans who may appreciate this a lot more than I did. With Michel Delahaye. Rollin followed up his third feature with REQUIEM FOR A VAMPIRE.

SHIVERS (they came from within; the parasite murders) (1975 CAN) D/W: DAVID CRONENBERG P: IVAN REITMAN/JOHN DUNNING (uncredited)/ANDRE LINK (uncredited) Cronenberg’s classic feature debut remains one of his finest and was definitely ahead of its time. A scientifically engineered parasite (halfaphrodisiac, half-venereal disease) infects residents in a luxury apartment block. When the parasite (which looks like a turd) enters the victim, they develop an insatiable, violent urge to fuck. It’s violent, but features less sex and nudity than you might expect from the subject matter. Cronenberg’s clinical dissection of the concept is intelligent and follows through to its logical conclusion, and it’s first-class exploitation cinema, too. With Lynn Lowry (I DRINK YOUR BLOOD), Barbara Steele, Joe Silver and Vlasta Vrana. The somewhat similar (in concept) RABID was next.

SHOCK (1955) See: THE QUATERMASS EXPERIMENT (1955)

SHOCK (beyond the door; schock) (1976 ITL) D: MARIO BAVA W: FRANCESCO BARBIERI/LAMBERTO BAVA/PAOLO BRIGENTI/DARDANO SACCHETTI P: TURI VASILLE This EXORCIST copy was Bava’s final completed solo feature (he co-directed a tv movie after this) before his death in 1980 (RABID DOGS would not be edited together for several years). Daria Nicolodi moves back to her old house where her first husband committed suicide with new husband John Steiner and her little boy. The kid is possessed and even makes a plane crash (Steiner is the pilot). Bava can’t help but make some scenes creepy and atmospheric without even trying, but this disappointment is far from his best and for completists only. With Ivan Rassimov. Lamberto was also an assistant director.

SHOCK CORRIDOR (1963 US) D/W/P: SAMUEL FULLER P: SAM FIRKS/LEON FROMKESS Amazing b/w curiosity stars Peter Breck as a journalist who’s committed to an asylum under false pretences so he can write a report on the conditions inside. BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT had a similar plot involving prison, but this goes much further, spiralling into a hallucinatory world of psychosis. Constance Towers (also in Fuller’s next, THE NAKED KISS) is real sexy as his stripper girlfriend who poses as his sister to have him committed. No words on paper can do it justice, it must be seen. Classic stuff. With Gene Evans, Philip Ahn, James Best, Paul Dubov, Chuck Roberson, Frank Gerstle and Chuck Hicks. Apparently parts of this were filmed as early as 1955.

SHOCKER (1989 US) D/W: WES CRAVEN P: MARIANNE MADDALENA/BARIN KUMAR Mitch Pileggi is Horace Pinker, a killer tv repairman who goes to the electric chair. But his spirit lives on (as in the same year’s THE HORROR SHOW with Brion James) inside tv broadcasts, and he can come out to possess people as well. Peter Berg co-stars as the hero in this pretty awful overkill attempt at creating another Freddy Krueger. With Michael Murphy, Heather Langenkamp, Ted Raimi, Timothy Leary, Eugene Chadbourne, John Tesh, Christopher Kriesa, Ernie Lively, Brent Spiner and Craven.

SHOCKING AMERICA See: THIS IS AMERICA

SHOCKING CANNIBALS See: MONDO MAGIC

SHOCKING DARK (terminator II; alienators; contaminator) (1989 ITL) D: “VINCENT DAWN” (BRUNO MATTEI) W: “CLYDE ANDERSON” (CLAUDIO FRAGASSO) P: FRANCO GAUDENZI Here’s a pretty bad ALIENS copy. In the future, seaweed has caused the foundations of Venice to corrode and it’s more or less sunk underwater. Scientists working in underground tunnels are killed, so a crack team of commando marines (“the megaforce”) are sent in. Other characters are a female scientist (standing in for Sigourney Weaver), a sinister executive from the company that funded the scientists (that were supposed to be purifying the water) and a little girl whose parents were killed by fish monsters with tentacles. The monsters are the result of some kind of DNA testing, and in one scene cobweb victims up against the wall (like in BEAST FROM HAUNTED CAVE). The acting is pretty bad, everything’s too dark to see properly, and there isn’t even any gore. People in some territories expecting to see Arnie as a cyborg from the future and lots of big-budget FX must have been surprised. With Massimo Vanni.

SHOCKING HEAVY METAL See: BLOOD TRACKS

THE SHOCKING TRUTH See: DAMAGED LIVES

THE SHOCKS (this is the shocks) (1986 JPN) D: KENTARO UCHIDA This mondo movie begins with the image of the Statue of Liberty (with exposed breasts) crying. But not all of the scenes are American. We see a man jump to his death (the camera follows him all the way down) from a burning hotel in Brazil. Various presidents are shot (including the Zapruder JFK footage), robbers shoot cops, rodeo injuries and a bomb disposal officer getting a blast right in the face are some of the delights. What makes this tape unique, though, is the fact that mixed in with all this atrocity is comic relief sports accident footage! The narrator goes gaga, drooling over some models dressed as LA cops strutting down a catwalk and shooting guns! There’s also a section on car crashes and executions. Despite this outrageous mix, I still found it pretty boring. The only part that really amazed me was old b/w footage of mountain goats nosediving into small valleys, bouncing from cliff face to cliff face until they land safely at the bottom! Incredible! As well as the sequels, there was also a slew of SHOCKS specialist tapes (i.e. all car wrecks, all explosions etc.). [Illus.]

THE SHOCKS 2 (1987 JPN) P: NORIHISA SHIBATA More of the same. Hardcore mondo footage mixed with more lighthearted MONDO CANE-style reports on alternative lifestyles around the world. Much of this footage can be found in other, earlier mondos (in particular, the THIS IS AMERICA series).

THE SHOCKS 3 (1987 JPN) This pathetic entry is nothing more than re-edited highlights from THIS IS AMERICA 1 and 2 with Japanese narration and subtitles added. “America is famous for violence and apple pie”, claims the new narrator. People wouldn’t have noticed him first time around, so Arnold Schwarzenegger is identified as just another face in a gym.

THE SHOCKS 4 (1988 JPN) P: NORIHISA SHIBATA Yet more carnage from around the world interspersed with more comedic scenes, and even some cute animal footage (!) this time.

SHOCKWAVE See: THE ARRIVAL (1996)

SHOCK WAVES (death corps; almost human) (1977 US) D/W: KEN WIEDERHORN W: JOHN HARRISON/ KEN PARE P: REUBEN TRANE John Carradine takes some youngsters out on his boat, only to go down with it when a storm hits. The survivors end up on an island where Peter Cushing commands over his platoon of underwater Nazi zombie S.S. officers! This cult favourite with a great plot is not that good (or coherent), but does build up some great atmosphere with those stalking zombies (with effective Alan Ormsby makeup). It’s a shame that Carradine and Cushing (both on fine form) don’t get any scenes together. With Brooke Adams and Luke Halperin. A young Fred Olen Ray got himself on the production team (a low-budget 16mm shoot in Florida) when he heard that Carradine and Cushing were going to be there.

SHOGUN ASSASSIN (1980 JPN US) D: KENJI MISUMI D/W: ROBERT HOUSTON W/P: DAVID WEISMAN Highlights from the first two entries in the classic Japanese LONE WOLF AND CUB series were edited together (coherently), minus the complicated subplots, and narration from Daigoro was added, as well as a pumping disco soundtrack. The resulting non-stop parade of expertly edited bloody action is a lot better than you might expect, even if you’re already familiar with the series. Sandra Bergman provides some of the voices. Considered a sequel to LIGHTNING SWORDS OF DEATH (a recut version of part 3 in the original series) until the series was released outside Japan with subtitles in the 1990s.

SHOGUN MASSACRE See: THE BUDDHA ASSASSINATOR

SHOGUN’S JOY OF TORTURE See: TOKUGAWA: THE JOY OF TORTURE

SHOGUN’S NINJA (ninja bugeicho momochi sandayu) (1982 JPN) D: NORIFUMI SUZUKI W: TAKAHITO ISHIKAWA/FUMIO KOYAMA/ICHIRO OTSU This Samurai period actioner is unusual because it seems more like a Hong Kong kung fu flick than a Japanese production. Hiroyuki (“Henry”) Sanada (who sings on the soundtrack) is the hero. Sonny Chiba is a villain. Everyone’s looking for a hidden gold mine. The spider ninjas are pretty cool, but Sanada’s interpretive dance/ ballet stances are not. With Etsuko Shihomi, Yoko Nogiwa, Tetsuro Tamba, Yuki Ninagawa, Shohei Hino, Kazuma Hase, Kumiko Hidaka, Asao Koike, Makoto Sato and Isao Natsuki. I don’t know about the original version, but the English-language print suffers from a dreadful easy listening soundtrack. Sanada, Chiba and Shihomi were all in the director’s ROARING FIRE.

SHOGUN’S SADISM See: THE JOYS OF TORTURE 2

SHOGUN’S SAMURAI See: YAGYU CLAN CONSPIRACY

SHOLAY (flames of the sun) (1975 IND) D: RAMESH SIPPY W “SALIM-JAVED” (SALIM KHAN/JAVED AKHTAR) Former police inspector Sanjeen Kumar hires knockabout crooks Dharmendra and Amitabh Bashchan (from DON) to help protect a village from bandit Amjad Khan and his gang in this cult “curry western”, filled with action, comedy, good musical numbers (including a festival where coloured powder is thrown around) and pathos. Kumar has a particularly entertaining secret and backstory. Only recently screened and released in its original 204 mins cut, with a more violent revenge ending. A great place to start an appreciation of epic Hindi movies. With Hema Malini, A.K. Hangal, Satyen Kappu, Iftekhar, Leela Mishra, Vikas Anand, Mac Mohan, Keshto Mukherjee, Viju Khote, Birbal, Helen, Jairaj, Jag Deep, Jalahagha and Om Shiupuri.

SHONEN NO HANZAI (1997 JPN) D/W: GUNJI KAWASAKI Three unnamed teens who beat up their long-suffering mothers and pick up women for gang-rapes imprison, terrorise, torture, rape, beatup and eventually kill a junior high school girl. They dispose of the body in an oil drum filled with cement. It’s one of three movies that I know of based on a real-life incident, and possibly the most shamelessly exploitative (it’s from porno producers Hot Entertainment). It’s also the worst. The digital mosaic censorship makes it seem like it might be hardcore, but I don’t think so (no cumshots, and it’s rated R-15, not R-18). The rape scenes are not good. With Hajime Mao, Kasu Ki, Masayoshi Nogami and Yumi Yoshiyuki. The director’s been working in the exploitation field since the 70s (in various capacities), and has also directed porn. SCHOOLGIRL IN CEMENT (1995) was the first cheap nasty based on the case, and the later higher-profile CONCRETE (2004) is considered a more factual and sensitive retelling.

THE SHOOTER (1994 US CZE SPN FRA UK) D: TED KOTCHEFF W: YVES ANDRE MARTIN/MEG THAYER/ BILLY RAY P: PAUL POMPLAN/SILVIO MURAGLIA Dolph Lundgren is a US marshall after a female political assassin in Prague. He falls in love with his quarry and a conspiracy is uncovered. Absolutely nothing interesting happens, but at least nothing happens in nice locations. With John Ashton, Gavan O’Herlihy, Assumpta Serna, Simon Andreu and Michael Rogers. This review refers to a 104 mins version. Others run 89.

THE SHOOTING (1965 US) D/P: MONTE HELLMAN W: “ADRIEN JOYCE” (CAROL EASTMAN) P: JACK NICHOLSON This was shot back to back with RIDE IN THE WHIRLWIND. Both are unusual westerns that come highly recommended. Warren Oates and a young, naive Will Hutchins are hired by nameless Millie Perkins to help her track someone for unknown reasons through the desert. Jack Nicholson (“I’m gonna blow your face off”) has one of his best earlier roles as a hired killer who joins them. Roger Corman backed both features without credit, kind of like an executive producer. Screenwriter Eastman also wrote FIVE EASY PIECES. The criminally underrated Hellman didn’t get to direct again until the classic TWO LANE BLACKTOP.

SHOOTING STAR See: NASTY HUNTER

SHORT EYES (slammer) (1977 US) D: ROBERT M. YOUNG W. MIGUEL PINERO P: LEWIS HARRY Pinero wrote a play based on real-life events (he was also inside for a spell) that was turned into one of the great prison movies. It was filmed in the New York “Tombs” (closed at the time, but since reopened). Bruce Davison is a new white inmate who can’t handle the pressure when everyone (mostly Puerto Rican and blacks) finds out he’s a child molester. Another young, good-looking kid doesn’t want to end up anyone’s bitch. With Nathan George as Ice (one of too few roles for the talented, charismatic actor), Mark Margolis, Freddy Fender, Curtis Mayfield (who’s on the soundtrack), and see if you can spot Luis Guzman making his feature debut.

SHORT NIGHT OF GLASS DOLLS (paralyzed; catalepsis; short night of the butterflies; malastrana; corta notte delle bambole di vetro) (1971 ITL W.GER YUG) D/W: ALDO LADO P: ENZO DARIA An American journalist (Jean Sorel) is discovered in some bushes in the city of Prague and is presumed to be dead. Sorel’s brain remains awake, however, and as doctors puzzle over his motionless yet not quite dead body, he tries to remember how he got this way. The lengthy flashbacks that unfold start with a missing girl and are much like a typical giallo mystery. There are a few interesting touches, an offbeat conclusion and the filmmaking is slick but this suffers from a cold, detached air that plagues so much of the genre (not to mention dull, vacuous characters). But if you’re a giallo fan then you might consider it a masterpiece, as many do. With Barbara Bach, Mario Adorf, Fabijan Sovagovic and Relja Basil. The soundtrack is by Ennio Morricone. It was the debut feature from the director of NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS.

SHORT NIGHT OF THE BUTTERFLIES See: SHORT NIGHT OF GLASS DOLLS

THE SHOUT (1978 UK) D/W: JERZY SKOLIMOWSKI W: MICHAEL AUSTIN P: JEREMY THOMAS Alan Bates is a mysterious stranger who wanders into musician John Hurt’s life and starts fucking his wife (Susannah York) and basically takes over his life. Bates has also learnt to kill people by shouting, an old Australian Aborigine trick. The story is told in flashback during a cricket match at a mental asylum. It’s a pretty odd and interesting film that people usually remember. Tim Curry, Robert Stephens and Jim Broadbent are also in the cast. Based on a short story by Robert Graves.

THE SHOW (1927 US) D: TOD BROWNING W: WALDEMAR YOUNG John Gilbert stars as Cock Robin, a sideshow carny barker and womaniser, who’s after a smitten sheep herder’s daughter for her money in Budapest. He’s the prime suspect when her father is murdered, but the real culprit is the Greek (Lionel Barrymore), jealous of Renee Adoree’s crush on Cock. The Greek uses a poisonous iguana to kill, and attempts to sabotage a (talking) decapitated head trick to off Gilbert. This silent b/w adaptation of Charles Tenny Jackson’s novel The Day of the Souls is worth seeing for the offbeat carny atmosphere (a Browning trademark), but you should know that it’s primarily a melodrama, with much time spent on consoling a blind man who doesn’t know his son is a criminal set to be hanged. With Edward Connelly, Gertrude Short, Agostino Borgato, Jules Cowles, Polly Moran, Dorothy Sebastian and Jacqueline Gadsen (aka Jane Daly, from THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND.

SHOWDOWN AT THE EQUATOR (lee lives within; guo jiang long du chuang hu xe; goh kong lung duk chong foo yuet) (1978 HK) D/W: KWAN CHINGLIANG P: TAM KEI Bruce Leung is a none too discreet undercover cop posing as a waiter at a restaurant terrorised by a protection racket. He romances the owner’s daughter (Nora Miao, whose character is introduced at first as Wan To Lay, a dirty joke from the dubbing team, no doubt), and gets accepted into the gangster organisation by Fung Ngai (who has a cute, golden, big, stuffed toy pig in his living room; it even gets a close-up). After proving his worth by beating up three white guys (one is very fat and can’t fight), he’s introduced to his target, the real kingpin (Lo Lieh, for once far from the ugliest male in the movie). The final fight between Leung and Lieh is a real anticlimax (the title appears to be nonsensical). The best thing about this poor kung fu movie (that’s badly in need of widescreen) is the (stolen?) theme tune. With Chow Siu-Loi, a car chase, stock footage of a soccer match and horrendous 70s fashions and decor.

SHOWDOWN FOR ZATOICHI See: THE BLIND SWORDSMAN AND THE CHESS EXPERT

SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO (1991 US) D/P: MARK L. LESTER W: STEPHEN GLANTZ/CALIOPE BRATTLESTREET P: MARTIN E. CAAN Dolph Lundgren is an LA cop raised in Japan who’s partnered with kung fu-fighting Brandon Lee in Little Tokyo. Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa is a great villain, flooding the streets with methamphetamines. Stupid and cartoonish action movie is quite fun and fast-paced enough, with an inoffensive line of exotic Orientalism (i.e. human sushi tables) that gives it flavour. When I first saw it as a kid, the scene in which Tagawa fucks an ice-smoking topless blonde from behind before beheading her with a katana mid-poke really turned me on, so I guess I was twisted from an early age! God bless you, Tagawa-san! With Tia Carrere (who used a body double), Simon Rhee, Philip Tan, Ernie Lively, Gerald Okamura and Branscombe Richmond. Lundgren wears some horrible clothes in this, and Lee compliments him on the size of his penis.

SHOWDOWN OF THE MASTER WARRIORS See: DEATH DUEL OF KUNG FU

SHOWGIRLS (1995 US) D: PAUL VERHOEVEN W: JOE ESZTERHAS P: ALAN MARSHALL/CHARLES EVANS Elizabeth Berkeley (who overacts terribly) hitchhikes to Las Vegas to become an erotic show dancer. This much-slated anti-Vegas/celebrity tale has lots of nudity, catfights, sleazy characters, a gang-rape and other “fun” stuff (topless kick-boxing) so it doesn’t get boring. But it didn’t need to be over two hours long. With Kyle MacLachlan, Gina Gershon, Robert Davi (who’s funny), Glenn Plummer, Gina Ravera, Jack McGee and Lisa Boyle. Verhoeven and Eszterhas had previously collaborated on BASIC INSTINCT.

SHREDDER (2001 US) D/W: GREG HUSON W: CRAIG CARLSON P: RORY VEAL/GEOFF MILLER Irritating teens snowboarding at a ski resort get killed off by a masked killer in this very tame slasher movie. The killer ends up spat out by a snow machine just like that scene in ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE. That’s the “highlight”, so don’t even bother with this junk.

SHRIEK IF YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST FRIDAY THE 13TH (2000 US) D: JOHN BLANCHARD W: SUE BAILEY/JOE NELMS P: STEPHEN NEMETH/ANDREW OOI I’d be hard pushed to say which was the worst post-SCREAM horror spoof, this or SCARY MOVIE. Let’s just say that avoiding both would be a great idea. Harley Cross, Aimee Graham, Majandra Delfino, Tom Arnold, Tiffani Amber Thiessen, Simon Rex, Rose Marie, Coolio, Kim Griest, Mink Stole and Alanna Ubach have to deliver some truly awful jokes between the equally pathetic sight gags. At one point there’s a self-referential parody of parodies that points out how lovably goofy the filmmakers think they are that they are able to make fun of their bad puns. But they’re not, and this just highlights how wrong they are.

A SHRIEK IN THE NIGHT (1933 US) D: ALBERT RAY W: FRANCES HYLAND/KURT KEMPLER Ginger Rogers is an undercover reporter at a guest house who has the scoop on a murder that occurs there. Rival reporter Lyle Talbot (who hangs out in a speakeasy) tricks her into giving him the story and she loses her job. The two eventually team up to solve the mystery in this forgettable but fun b/w follow up to THE THIRTEENTH GUEST, in which Rogers and Talbot played pretty much the same roles. With Harvey Clark, Purnell Pratt, Lillian Harmer, Arthur Hoyt, Louise Beavers, Clarence Wilson, Maurice Black, Cyril Ring and Tiny Sandford. It runs just over an hour.

SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED (mutilated) (1974 US) D: MICHAEL FINDLAY W/P: ED ADLUM P: ED KELLEHER A bunch of students take a trip with their professor to an “island” (upstate New York) to look for the Yeti. They stay in a cabin with the professor’s friend and his mute, muscular Native Indian handyman Laughing Cow (who pulls some priceless expressions). The Yeti (note the most unconvincing furry costume in history) picks them off one-by-one and the survivors use the corpses as bait for the monster (which has a real loud heartbeat). This mind-bogglingly inept horror movie has day-for-night shots, a little gore, Findlay in an acting turn, Hot Butter’s infectious hit Popcorn on the soundtrack, photography by Roberta Findlay, and a great hard-to-believe surprise ending. A must-see for fans of “bad” (or “differently abled”) cinema. Adlum and Kelleher were also behind INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS.

SHRUNKEN HEADS (1994 US) D: RICHARD ELFMAN W: MATTHEW BRIGHT Full Moon actually managed to get this one into theatres. I’m not sure why, it’s just as bad as their other product. Three comic book-reading kids are killed by older teen thugs, and Haitian ex-cop Julius W. Harris uses voodoo to reincarnate them as floating shrunken heads. I think it’s supposed to be a comedy, but features the three main kids being mowed down by gunfire. It’s a pretty awful cult wannabe. With Meg Foster, Bodhi Elfman and director Elfman (FORBIDDEN ZONE). Bright returned with the much better FREEWAY films.

SH! THE OCTOPUS (1937 US) D: WILLIAM H. McGANN W: GEORGE BRICHER ASSOC P: BRYAN FOY Two unfunny comic cops (Allen Jenkins and Hugh Herbert) investigate a murder at a long-abandoned lighthouse (with no stairs). A whole bunch of other characters show up, sliding doors and other haunted house clichés abound, and a giant octopus lurks (hence the great title). I have no idea what Warner Bros were thinking when they made this odd 54 mins b/w parody (based on a play by Ralph Spence, Donald Gallaher and Ralph Murphy), but stoners into vintage movies may enjoy. The ending is very weird. With John Eldredge, Elspeth Dudgeon, Frank Hagney, Lew Harvey and Henry Otho.

THE SHU See: IN HELL

SHURA (bloodshed; demons; pandemonium) (1971 JPN) D/W: TOSHIO MATSUMOTO Katsuo Nakamura stars as a ronin torn between following his loyal elderly follower’s advice, and joining his peers in an act of vengeance against their fallen leader, or using his only money to pay-off his prostitute lover’s debt in this bleak period samurai melodrama with supernatural elements. Deception, greed, death and madness reign as soon as the film’s opening colour shot of a sunset is gone, visualised hereon in brilliant b/w by cinematographer Nanboku Tsuruya (GHOST STORY OF YOTSYA). This extraordinary classic will blow you away; as recommended as it gets. Matsumoto had previously directed FUNERAL PROCESSION OF ROSES. He made two more, JU ROKU SAI NO SENJO (1973) and DOGURA MAGURA (1988).

SHUTTER (2004 THAI) D/W: BANJONG PISANTHANAKUN/ PARKPOOM WONGPOOM W: SOPON SUKDAPISIT A photographer and his girlfriend hit a woman with their car one night, but drive away without helping. This somehow acts as a catalyst for the spirit of a former girlfriend to start making her post-mortem, ghostly appearances in his photos (several creepy and genuine ghost photos that I was familiar with from many Japanese tv specials can be glimpsed). Despite at first seeming scattershot and containing some silly false scares, I highly recommend giving this one time (not hard, it has some engaging, scary set pieces) for otherwise you’ll miss out on a cracking, unexpected and unnerving shock ending. A recommended little spooker, the feature debut from a couple in their 20s. Remade badly in 2008.

SHUTTLE (bus; transfer) (2007 US) D/W: EDWARD ANDERSON P: MARK WILLIAMS/TODD LEMLEY/ALLAN JONES/MICHAEL A. PIERCE/MARK DONADIO Peyton List and her best friend arrive back from vacation in the US (Boston area, actually), and catch a late-night airport shuttle bus (accompanied by a couple of guys, and another nebbish passenger) driven by Tony Curran. Curran soon has his passengers at gunpoint, with unknown motives. It’s not a great film, so I don’t mind spoiling that it ends up as a white slave trade thriller. If you suspend disbelief (quite a bit), the downbeat ending (straight out of a 70s Nikkatsu Roman Prono) has culminative gain, but it’s much too long (at over 105 mins). It could have done with being a bit nastier, too. As it stands it’s a little too sleazy for mainstream horror fans, but far too bland for the sickies.

SHUTTLE JACKER See: MURDER.COM

SHY GUY (1947 US) Dick York stars as title character Phil Norton, the new (and far too old) high school kid in town who can’t seem to make friends so just hangs out in his basement fixing radios. His father offers some advice and York proceeds to (very obviously and awkwardly) spy on the popular kids and imitate their behaviour. This sincerely made but unbelievable ode to conformity was one of the most influential and imitated educational films of its day. It’s b/w and runs 15 mins and is a pretty enjoyable relic of a very different time.

THE SICILIAN (1987 US) D/P: MICHAEL CIMINO W: STEVE SHAGAN/GORE VIDAL (uncredited) P: JOANN CARELLI Christopher Lambert is Salvatore Giuliano, a notorious real-life bandit and separatist of the 1940s, often considered to be “The Sicilian Robin Hood”. In this highly inaccurate and romanticised version of his story, his goal is to feed the poor and give them land they can own. Based on Mario Puzo’s semi-fictional GODFATHER spin-off book, but with the fictional Corleone family written out. It’s a very boring, naive and uninspired movie, and some of the acting and dialogue is atrocious. This review refers to the 140 mins+ director’s cut version (the old US print was about half an hour short). With Terence Stamp, Joss Ackland, John Turturro, Barbara Sukowa, Barry Miller, Michael Wincott, Richard Venture, Ramon Bieri, Tom Signorelli, Aldo Ray, Massimo Sarchielli and Tony Sperandeo. An earlier Italian movie is SALVATORE GIULIANO (1962). Cimino followed up with another lowlight, his terrible DESPERATE HOURS remake (1990).

SICILIAN CROSS See: THE EXECUTORS

SICILIAN MAFIA See: THE NEW MAFIA BOSS

S.I.C.K.: SERIAL INSANE CLOWN KILLER See: GRIM WEEKEND

SICK: THE LIFE AND DEATH OF BOB FLANAGAN, SUPERMASOCHIST (1997 US) D/P: KIRBY DICK Bob Flanagan dies at age 43 of cystic fibrosis. Throughout his life Flanagan sought a release from his predestined suffering victim role in life by launching himself into extreme acts of sexual masochism. This candid, arresting and heartbreaking documentary chronicles his last few years, his art exhibitions and performance pieces, and his relationship with girlfriend/dominatrix Sheree Rose. I’m not going to warn that it’s not for the “easily offended”, because maybe they should see it above all others. Some prints are missing the scene of Bob hammering a nail through his penis.

SIEBEN MONDE (night time; howling 2000; nachts) (1997 GER) D: PETER FRATZSCHER W: NILS-MARTEN OSBURG P: GABRIELE LOHNERT/HERBERT RIMBACH/ LUGGI WALDLRITNER/ANDREA WILSON P: GABRIELE LOHNERT A young writer (Jan Josef Lieters) thinks he may be the werewolf terrorising the city in this real slow and sleep-inducing horror drama that has no real pay-off. There are one or two surprises, though, to be fair. With Ulrich Mühe, Christopher Waltz, Peter Lohmeyer, Andreas Hoppe, Horst Krause and Michael Gwisdek.

SIEGE (1982) See: SELF DEFENSE (1982)

THE SIEGE (martial law) (1998 US) D/W/P: EDWARD ZWICK W: LAWRENCE WRIGHT/MENNO MEYJES P: LYNDA OBST Middle Eastern terrorists bomb New York City and Brooklyn is put under martial law in this big-budget disaster/action thriller that predated the 9/11 attacks. Bruce Willis is the bad guy general who puts Israelis and Saudis and Palestinians in prison camps. Denzel Washington is an FBI agent trying to find out who’s behind the bombings. Annette Bening co-stars as a CIA agent, while Bill Clinton speeches appear on a tv. There are some interesting ideas here, but preachy monologues and a rubbish ending ruin it. With Tony Shalhoub, Sami Boujila, David Proval, Dakin Matthews and John Rothman.

THE SIGNALMAN (1976 UK) D: LAWRENCE GORDON CLARK W: ANDREW DAVIES P: ROSEMARY HILL Bernard Lloyd is The Traveller and Denholm Elliott is The Signalman in this curious, ambitious and oddly effective adaptation of a Charles Dickens story for the BBC’s then-annual Ghost Story For Christmas (the first in the series not based on M.R. James). Set mostly at a signal box situated at the mouth of a tunnel alongside a railway line with steep embankments either side (an eerie and claustrophobic location), it would seem counterproductive for me to attempt to explain the highly ambiguous chain of events. Suffice to say it’s cosy yet unsettling rural British gothic at its best (overlooking a typically cheap and laughable train crash simulation utilising a blank screen and sound FX). 40 mins long. The next year saw STIGMA, and the year after was THE ICE HOUSE, both effective but less traditional takes on original screenplays. The BBC resurrected the Jamesian Xmas brand in 2005 with the pretty good A VIEW FROM A HILL, but then came diminishing returns with NUMBER 13 (2006) and another bash at WHISTLE AND I’ll COME TO YOU (2010).

SIGNAL 30 See: RED ASPHALT

THE SIGN OF THE VAMPIRE See: VAMPYROS LESBOS

SIGNS (2002 US) D/W/P: M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN P: SAM MERCER/FRANK MARSHALL Mel Gibson stars as an ex-priest whose cornfields become the centre of a media frenzy after circles believed to have been made by alien craft appear there. It’s a very long-seeming, slow, talky and sleep-inducing megahit from the director of THE SIXTH SENSE and UNBREAKABLE. With Joaquin Phoenix, Rory Culkin, Cherry Jones and Shyamalan. I quite liked Shyamalan’s THE VILLAGE (2004), didn’t quite feel the hate for LADY IN THE WATER (2006) that others did (although it was poorly misjudged), THE HAPPENING (2008) was idiotic, and THE LAST AIRBENDER is actually reviewed herein.

SILENCE See: CHINMOKU

SILENCE OF THE HAMS (il silenzio dei prosicutti) (1994 US ITL) D/W/P: ENZIO GREGGIO P: JULIE CORMAN Like most spoofs of its type, this is terribly unfunny. PSYCHO is the main film spoofed, along with THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, BASIC INSTINCT and others. Billy Zane and Dom DeLuise star, with Martin Balsam, Stuart Pankin, John Astin, Phyllis Diller, Bubba Smith, Rip Taylor, Shelley Winters, Eddie Deezen, Mel Brooks, Joanna Pacula, Larry Storch, Rosey Andre Brown, Henry Silva, Marshall Bell, Sal Landi, Joe Dante, John Carpenter, Irwin Keyes, John Landis and Greggio in the Norman Bates role. I only enjoyed the part with the ever-cheerful Astin.

THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991 US) D: JONATHAN DEMME W: TED TALLY P: EDWARD SAXON/ KENNETH UTT/RON BOZMAN Jodie Foster is an FBI agent who questions cannibal serial killer Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lecter (Anthony Hopkins) in maximum security to see if she can get any information on Buffalo Bill (Ted Levine), a serial killer still at large who skins his victims. This much-respected (best movie, director, actor and actress Oscars) hit psycho suspense thriller (from a director who used to make drive-in movies like CAGED HEAT for Roger Corman) is based on a novel by Thomas Harris (and real-life killer Gary Heidnik). It’s pretty good, but parts are laughable and it just doesn’t come up to scratch as the “classic” it’s supposed to be. Anthony Heald’s warden character seems completely out of place (the character was a tad more restrained and less hammy in the fine novel). With Scott Glenn, Charles Napier, Tracey Walter, Diane Baker, Chris Isaak, Corman himself, George A. Romero, Frankie Faison, Kasi Lemmons, Brooke Smith, Paul Lazar, Obba Babatundé, Brent Hinkley, Daniel Von Bargen and, surprisingly, use of The Fall’s classic track Hip Priest. Michael Mann’s MANHUNTER is a superior Harris adaptation. Demme made the terrible, patronising and preachy PHILADELPHIA after some activists complained about gay characters in this. SANGHARSH was a 1999 Hindi remake. HANNIBAL was the first sequel.

THE SILENCER (1999 CAN) D: ROBERT LEE W/P: JOHN CURTIS P: EVAN TAYLOR Some Fed agent infiltrates a terrorist group as a hitman to find out who’s their spy in the Bureau. Michael Dudikoff is top-billed as the professional hitman who trains him. Dull conspiracy action thriller holds no surprises worth struggling to stay awake for. With Nicole Oliver, Mike Dopud, Michael St. John Smith, William S. Taylor and Ron Selmour.

THE SILENCERS (1995 US) D/P: RICHARD PEPIN W: JOSEPH JOHN BARMETTLER/WILLIAM APPLEGATE JR./RICHARD PRESTON JR. P: JOSEPH MERHI Aliens with all-black eyeballs hypnotise humans and manage to get an interdimensional portal built so that more aliens can come and take over Earth. Dennis Christopher is a good alien who teams up with Jack Scalia (also an associate producer) to fight them. Despite being sci-fi, you know that PM only make action movies so this is full of shoot-outs, explosions and car chases, and soon outstays its welcome. With Clarence Williams III and Christopher Kriesa.

SILENI (the lunatics; lunacy) (2005 CZE SLO) D/W: JAN ŠVANKMAJER P: JAROMIR KALLISTA Švankmajer himself appears on-screen to deliver an introduction to this feature, explains how it was inspired by Poe and de Sade, and claims “there’s no art anymore”. Davel Liska (a great, unusual cinematic face) is a young man in a confused time period, who recently lost his institutionalised mother, and has violent nightmares of being locked up himself. The Marquis (a gleeful Jan Triska) seems to befriend him, but Liska disapproves of his blasphemous ways after witnessing a secret sex (and chocolate cake) orgy. Contrivances lead to Liska agreeing to stay at an asylum where the inmates are allowed to roam free, in order to protect Anna Geislerova, the daughter of the insane-seeming head doctor (Jaroslav Dusek, who has a moustache collection). The majority of this great, darkly humorous take on a psychodrama standard is straight live-action, with Švankmajer’s trademark stop-motion animation (this time with lots of meat) serving as witty chapter breaks. With Martin Huba and Pavel Novy. Švankmajer’s next feature was SURVIVING LIFE (THEORY AND PRACTICE) (2010).

SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (death house; night of the dark full moon) (1973 US) D/W: THEODORE GERSHUNY W/P: JEFFREY KONVITZ W: IRA TELLER P: AMI ARTZI This one’s officially a Christmas horror movie, but it could be set at any time of the year. But the main thing is that it’s very effective and scary. It concerns a big old house in a small town that used to be a mental asylum. Patrick O’Neal is top-billed but dies pretty early, Mary Woronov is the real star (and narrates). John Carradine has a memorable part, too. Woronov was once part of the Warhol scene, and Ondine, Jack Smith, Candy Darling and Tally Brown can be seen in a b/w flashback. With Walter Abel as the Mayor. Gershuny made SUGAR COOKIES the same year.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984 US) D: CHARLES SELLIER JR. W: MICHAEL HICKEY/PAUL LAIMI P: IRA RICHARD BARMAK A young boy witnesses his parents murdered by a psycho dressed as Santa. Out of the orphanage he gets a job at a toy factory, but cracks after he has to be a department store Santa. This notorious slasher movie caused quite a fuss when it was first released, but is more stupid than offensive or gory. Watching SILENT all these years later is probably more enjoyable than paying to see it in a first-run theatre, coming off as a dated slice of 80s horror with enjoyable death scenes (topless Linnea Quigley impaled on antlers, overaged sledgers being beheaded etc.) best viewed drunk. With Lilyan Chauvin. It continued with… [Illus.]

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2 (1987 US) D/W: LEE HARRY W/P: LAWRENCE APPELBAUM W: JOSEPH H. EARLE/DENNIS PATTERSON The killer from the infamous original’s brother (played by a wonderfully bad actor called Eric Freeman) narrates edited highlights from the first movie about a killer Santa to a psychiatrist. This takes up about half the running time! This stupid sequel continues with new footage of Freeman inheriting his brother’s trauma and killing more people. There’s death by umbrella and car battery. At one point he goes to see a movie, and it’s more footage from the first film! Sheer audacity and ineptness made me enjoy this junk a lot more than I probably should have. With Elizabeth Kaitan and Frank Novak. Next was…

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT III: BETTER WATCH OUT! (1989 US) D/W: MONTE HELLMAN W: CARLO LASLO P: ARTHUR GORSON The very confusing plot of this loose sequel involves the psycho brother from part 2 (played by Bill Moseley) running around with his brain exposed in a plastic skull dome while a blind psychic has traumatic visions of him and his past. Cop Robert Culp gets some fun dialogue, but this is ultimately less enjoyable than the first two stupid movies. With Laura Herring (from MULHOLLAND DR.) and Hellman (who didn’t direct a completed feature again until ROAD TO NOWHERE in 2010). More…

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 4: INITIATION (bugs) (1990 US) D/W: BRIAN YUZNA W: WOODY KEITH/S.J. SMITH/ARTHUR H. GORSON P: RICHARD N. GLADSTEIN After a woman is thrown off a building and spontaneously combusts on the way down, a newspaper reporter investigates. She becomes involved with feminist bookstore owner Maud Adams and her women’s group/coven who have something to do with cockroaches and slimy insects. The Screaming Mad George FX are interesting, but this movie is slow-going and doesn’t really pay off (or make sense). Needless to say, it has nothing to with the rest of the series. With Clint Howard in a typical oddball role, Allyce Beasley and David Wells. Tom Rainone was the second unit director and had something to do with the FX. Finally…

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOY MAKER (killer hobby) (1991 US) D/W: MARTIN KITROSSER W/P: BRIAN YUZNA P: RICHARD N. GLADSTEIN A little boy witnesses his father being killed by some kind of ball. The kid mistrusts toys from then on with good reason, someone is designing them to kill. “Larry the Larvae” crawls into one guy’s mouth and exits through his eye (the FX are by Screaming Mad George and Tom Rainone). Mickey Rooney is Joe Petto, an alcoholic who runs a toy store with his weird son who figures in the dumb climax. In fact this whole unrelated sequel is stupid. With Clint Howard as a department store Santa.

SILENT NIGHT, EVIL NIGHT See: BLACK CHRISTMAS

THE SILENT PARTNER (g-silent partner) (1978 CAN) D: DARYL DUKE W: CURTIS HANSON P: JOEL B. MICHAELS/STEVEN YOUNGS Elliott Gould stars as a nebbish yet very shrewd shopping mall bank teller who anticipates psycho Christopher Plummer’s Xmas time robbery attempt (dressed as Santa), and ends up with more stolen money than Plummer does. Nicely done, slow-burning cat’n’mouse thriller is based on a novel by Anders Bodelsen (already filmed in 1969 in Denmark as THINK OF A NUMBER). With Susannah York and John Candy. Worth catching.

SILENT PREDATORS (snake) (1999 US) D: NOEL NOSSECK W: JOHN CARPENTER/WILLIAM GIMORE/ MATT DORFF/PATRICIA ARRIGONI/FRED BROWN P: RICK DARRENDANO/RANDY SULTE Lifeless tv movie about a highly dangerous rattlesnake cross-breed endangering the lives of small-town citizens. Harry Hamlin is the new fire chief hero, and Jack Scalia is a villainous land developer. With Patty McCormack, David Spielberg and Dominic Purcell.

SILENT RAGE (1982 US) D: MICHAEL MILLER W: JOSEPH FRAWLEY/EDWARD DiLORENZO P: ANTHONY B. UNGER After martial arts fighting Sheriff Chuck Norris captures and kills a psychotic axe murderer, Ron Silver’s unethical peers at the hospital bring him back to life with an experimental serum. This results in an unstoppable killer zombie with superstrength and self-healing wounds. Norris must also deal with a bar full of unfriendly bikers. Stephen Furst provides comic relief as a dumb, fat cop. This is a little different from most Norris outings, but is still bad. With John Barrett (who also did some stunts). Aaron Norris was the associate producer and stunt coordinator.

SILENT RUNNING (1971 US) D/P: DOUGLAS TRUMBULL W: DERIC WASHBURN/MIKE CIMINO/STEVE BOCHCO P: MICHAEL GRUSKOFF The Earth of the future (never seen) is a climate-controlled, sterile utopia that can’t support life. The last remaining forests of plants and animals are housed inside giant domes in space, connected to a manned spacecraft. Four guys looking after things are ordered to blow up the domes and return home. But somewhat crazed, eco-friendly Bruce Dern kills the others and makes off with the wildlife, surviving a rough ride through the Rings of Saturn, and trying to maintain the garden with the help of some short cuboid drones (paraplegics in robot suits). Age has mellowed me a bit towards this environmentalist sci-fi, made by FX maestro as an alternative to the cool dehumanisation of 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (which he worked on). Somewhat interesting, and Dern is good and intense, but I still find some of his pro-life talk and Joan Baez on the soundtrack somewhat maddening. With Jesse Vint, Ron Rifkin and the voices of Roy Engel and Joseph Campanella. Trumbull also directed BRAINSTORM (1983).

THE SILENT SCREAM (1980 US) D: DENNY HARRIS W/P: KEN AND JIM WHEAT W: WALLACE C. BENNETT University students lodging at a big old house near the sea end up dead. Someone watches them through the vents. Yvonne De Carlo and Barbara Steele don’t say much. Cops Cameron Mitchell and Avery Schreiber (!) investigate. A pregnant woman hangs herself in a flashback. Try staying awake through this one in the small hours. No gore, by the way. The Wheats later made an EWOK movie.

SILENT SCREAMS See: GARDEN OF EVIL

SILENT STAR See: FIRST SPACESHIP ON VENUS

SILENT TRIGGER (sniper; the algonquin goodbye) (1996 CAN UK) D: RUSSELL MULCAHY W: SERGIO ALTIERI P: SILVO MURAGLIA/NICOLAS CLERMONT Dolph Lundgren is a professional sniper who’s first seen refusing to take down a political candidate because of a baby in the way. Gina Bellman is his partner who later unexpectedly bumps into him during another operation in a semi-built office building (this is where most of the action takes place). Nothing much happens except for talk and flashbacks. Some sleazy security guard tries to rape Bellman (who tries to disguise her acting with a sultry voice). Mulcahy (who used to direct rock videos, and whose feature debut was DEREK AND CLIVE GET THE HORN!) can make decent flicks (like RICOCHET), but he needs better scripts. So does Lundgren. With Tim Post, Jason Cavalier and Larry Day.

SILENT VOICE See: AMAZING GRACE AND CHUCK

SILICON TOWERS (netjack) (1998 US) D/W/P: SERGE RODUNSKY P: GERALD I. WOLFF Brad Dourif is eccentric and weird again in this dull computer espionage thriller. A new member of staff at a huge electronics company discovers an embezzlement conspiracy. Brian Dennehy is the company president. With (top-billed) Daniel Baldwin, Al Sapienza and George “Buck” Flower.

SILVER BLAZE (murder at the baskervilles) (1937 UK) D: THOMAS BENTLEY W: ARTHUR MacRAE/H. FOWLER MEAR P: JULIUS HAGEN A missing racehorse called Silver Blaze and murder lead back to Moriarty (the wonderfully over-the-top Lyn Harding, who obviously graduated from the Tod Slaughter school of acting). Arthur Wontner and Ian Fleming are Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson for the last of five times. Not bad for creaky mystery completists. With John Turnbull as Lestrade, Ralph Truman, Syd Crossley and writer MacRae. Much is made of Holmes’ (pipe) chain-smoking. The next Holmes and Watson series was the great Fox (then Universal) series with Basil Rathbone and Nigel Green.

SILVER BULLET (stephen king’s…) (1985 US) D: DANIEL ATTIAS W: STEPHEN KING P: MARTHA SCHUMACHER King adapted his own short novel Cycle of the Werewolf for this dull movie with pedestrian direction from a guy who usually works for tv shows. Corey Haim is a cripple in a motorised wheelchair built by his uncle Gary Busey who suspects that priest Everett McGill is in fact a werewolf that’s been killing off the God-fearing townsfolk. Megan Follows is his older teen sister who narrates. Terry O’Quinn is the sheriff and Lawrence Tierney has a useless role as a bartender with a baseball bat. With Bill Smitrovich and James Gammon. It’s a Dino De Laurentiis production. Schumacher later became Mrs. De Laurentiis.

SILVER HAWK (fei ying) (2003 HK) D/W: JINGLE MA W: SUSAN CHAN P: THOMAS CHUNG/MICHELLE YEOH Yeoh is first seen as the masked superheroine Flying Eagle foiling some thieves who have kidnapped a panda in China. The rest of this mostly bland action flick takes place in Japan and involves kidnapping and cutting-edge technology in the wrong hands. That’s 80s pop sensation Luke Goss (one half of Bros) as the bald white villain with metal arms! With Richie Ren, Michel Jai White and a couple of ok action set pieces.

SILVER HAWKS See: AIR BOSS (series)

SIMON OF THE DESERT (simon del desierto) (1965 MEX) D/W: LUIS BUÑUEL W: JULIO ALEJANDRO P: GUSTAVO ALATRISTE Buñuel’s final Mexican movie is only 45 mins. long, but is among his very best. Claudio Brook is Simon, a Christian martyr who sits atop a pillar in the desert, trying to communicate with God and maintain his austerity in peace. But the people want miracles from him, and sexy Silvia Pinal appears many times in different forms to try to tempt him. Everyone dances the “radioactive flesh” at the end. With Enrique Alvarez Felix, Hortensia Santoveña, Antonio Bravo, Enrique Garcia Alvarez, Eduardo MacGregor, Brazilian director Glauber Rocha and Francisco Reiguera. Stunning b/w cinematography from Gabriel Figueroa is just one reason why this comes highly recommended. Loosely based on the real-life saint Simeon Stylites, a Syrian in the 5th century who lived atop a pillar outside Aleppo for 37 years! Buñuel made BELLE DE JOUR next.

SIMON SEZ (1999 BEL GER US) D: KEVIN ELDERS W/P: MOSHE DIAMANT W: ANDREW MILLER/ANDREW LOWERY/RUDY COHEN Dennis Rodman stars as a retired CIA agent in France who gets involved in a case of kidnapping and stolen military software. The action (martial arts, gunplay, car chases) in this are ok, but what’ll really drive you up the wall is the comic relief. Ricky Harris and John Pinette are just about bearable as Rodman’s assistants (in monks’ robes), but whoever that fucking sidekick is should be shot on sight. With Emma Sjoberg and Elders.

A SIMPLE PLAN (1998 US FRA UK GER JPN) D: SAM RAIMI W: SCOTT B. SMITH P: JAMES JACKS/ADAM SCHROEDER Some critics unfairly and inaccurately labelled this an inferior FARGO rip-off. Based on Smith’s novel (not in its entirety), this inspired adaptation is among Raimi’s finest work. Bill Paxton, his lesser-educated brother Billy Bob Thornton and alcoholic friend Brent Briscoe live in a snowy Minnesota town. They find a small plane crashed in the woods, and a bag with a lot of money inside. They decide to keep it, and thus begins a complex, believable and brilliantly acted downward spiral. While the basic premise may not sound too original, its execution is assured. With Bridget Fonda and Gary Cole. Highly recommended.

SINBAD AND THE EYE OF THE TIGER (1977 US) D: SAM WANAMAKER W: BEVERLY CROSS P: CHARLES H. SCHNEER W/P: RAY HARRYHAUSEN Overall the weakest of Harryhausen’s Sinbad trilogy, but it doesn’t matter because it still features his topnotch stop-motion animation. As well as the title sabre-toothed tiger, there’s a gold Minotaur, a giant walrus, a troglodyte with a horn on its head, ghouls and a baboon that likes chess. Patrick Wayne is Sinbad (he’s not bad), with Jane Seymour and Patrick Troughton.

SINBAD AND THE MINOTAUR (2011 AUSL) D: KARL ZWICKY W: JIM NOBLE P: MARK L. LESTER/ GRANT BRADLEY/DALE S. BRADLEY/DANA DUBOVSKY Sinbad (Manu Bennett from the SPARTACUS tv series) must stop the villain Al Jibbar (Steven Grives) and his henchmen (one is a superstrong cannibal with razor teeth) from getting his hands on the golden head of the Colossus of Rhodes statue. I was quite looking forward to a cheap old-school fantasy adventure for the CGI age, but this was pretty tough-going. With Holly Brisley.

SINBAD OF THE SEVEN SEAS (1989 ITL US) D/W/P: ENZO G. CASTELLARI D: LUIGI COZZI/TIM KINCAID W: TITO CARPI P: YORAM GLOBUS/MENAHEM GOLAN Lou Ferrigno stars as the mythical of epic Hollywood ambitions with micro-budget daydreams-in-motion. This 43 mins b/w opus is set “a million years in the future”, and stars their early headliner, big-breasted Donna Kerness. There is no spoken dialogue, but there is narration and characters talk with the aid of speech bubbles. Robot slaves (well, one guy in a helmet) disturb a decadent postnuke paradise with a revolution. With a picture of a spaceship and a toy robot ending. Badly dated to be honest, more interesting than entertaining, but still essential for Kuchar fanatics (I’m quickly becoming one myself).

THE SIN SYNDICATE (zero girls) (1965 US) D: MICHAEL FINDLAY P: JOSEPH BRENNER Findlay’s third b/w picture has four girls narrating their stories, of how they became mob-owned prostitute “zero girls”. One comes from Panama and another hails from the UK, so there’s an excuse to pad out running time with footage from both the Cuban Revolution and the London post-Blitz ruins! The rest is the expected unwholesome stripping, sex and torture. It’s unlikely to turn anyone into a fan of the countless NYC-area nudie-noir roughies of the era, but fans like myself will note that Findlay (who appears leering with a beard) was always good at what he did, utilising those essential little touches that made his stuff that little bit more exciting. With Darlene Bennett and Gigi Darlene. “This is not THE END”. Findlay made TAKE ME NAKED (1966) next.

SINTHIA, THE DEVIL’S DOLL (teenage she devil) (1968 US) D: “SVEN CHRISTIAN” (RAY DENNIS STECKLER) W: HERB ROBBINS A psychologist tells our leading lady that guilt caused by the death of her parents in a fire as a child is what’s causing her long psychedelic nightmares. This very bizarre Steckler release (between THE INCREDIBLE STRANGE CREATURES and BODY FEVER) was written by the guy who made THE WORM EATERS. It’s all very serious and depressing, but a must for Steckler completists.

SIR GAWAIN AND THE GREEN KNIGHT See: GAWAIN AND THE GREEN KNIGHT

SISTER OF DEATH See: NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES (1981)

SISTERS (blood sisters) (1973 US) D/W: BRIAN DE PALMA W: LOUISA ROSE P: EDWARD R. PRESSMAN A Staten Island newspaper reporter witnesses a murder committed in Margot Kidder’s apartment. Kidder is one of Siamese twins born in Canada in this well made but ultimately disappointing De Palma hit. It copies Hitchcock’s REAR WINDOW a lot and split-screen is used. With Charles Durning as a private eye, Barnard Hughes and Olympia Dukakis. De Palma made PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE next.

SISTERS OF SATAN See: ALUCARDA

SISTER, SISTER (1987 US) D/W: BILL CONDON W: JOEL COHEN/GINNY CERRELLA P: WALTER COBLENZ Jennifer Jason Leigh and Judith Ivey are repressed sisters who run a boarding house mansion in the Louisiana bayou. Leigh is an ex-asylum inmate who sees ghosts in the swamp and Eric Stoltz is a visiting congressional aide who comes between them. Some other comic relief guests are very ill-fitting in this gothic, melodramatic potboiler with an old murder at its centre. Robert Aldrich’s HUSH, HUSH, SWEET CHARLOTTE was the influence. With Dennis Lipscomb, Bobby “Monster Mash” Pickett (!), Laura Dern and Condon.

SISTER STREETFIGHTER (female fighting fist in danger; jo hissatsu ken; nyo hissatsu ken; onna hissatsu ken) (1974 JPN) D: KAZUHIKO YAMAGUCHI W: MASAHIRO KAKEFUDA/NORIFUMI SUZUKI P: KENJI TAKAMURA/KINEO YOSHIMINE After THE STREETFIGHTER’S LAST REVENGE Etsuko Shihomi (and Sonny Chiba) returned for her own series of four films. This first not bad entry has her trying to find her undercover agent brother and bust a dope ring. The villain has a three-blade glove like Han in ENTER THE DRAGON. With Tatsuya Nano and Asao Uchida. Best line of dialogue (in the English dub): “as much fun as a car full of gorillas”.

SITTING TARGET (1972 UK) D: DOUGLAS HICKOX W: ALEXANDER JACOBS P: BARRY J. KULICK This forgotten crime movie from the director of THEATRE OF BLOOD is well worth a look. Oliver Reed, Ian McShane and Freddie Jones bust out of prison (a nail-biting sequence), so Reed can kill his cheating wife. There’s great location photography of London, tight direction and editing (by John Glen) lend some chase scenes a hallucinogenic feel, and it all moves at a nice, fast pace. The result is a solid, entertaining thriller. With Edward Woodward, Mike Pratt and Frank Finlay. Based on Laurence Henderson’s novel.

SIX ANGRY MEN See: COUNTERFORCE

SIX FIGURES GETTING SICK (SIX TIMES) (1967 US) D/P: DAVID LYNCH Young art student Lynch wanted his drawings to move a little bit, so he incorporated film into a sculpture/art-in-motion piece. Basically a loop which features six abstract figures throwing up and then burning, I assume it played endlessly when it was originally unveiled (projected onto a sculpture, I think). Nowadays a dvd collection of Lynch’s early works has it repeated six times, which is a good idea as you can explore the details in the drawings. The soundtrack consists of a loud air raid signal. Lynch’s first motion picture credit is a curious gem that set the stage for his subsequent, unique output. It’s about 4 mins long.

SIX INCHES TALL See: ATTACK OF THE PUPPET PEOPLE

THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN (1973 US) D/P: RICHARD IRVING W: “HENRI SIMOUN” (HOWARD RODMAN/TOM GREENE) Lee Majors was the experimental man with incredible man-made powers in a very popular adventure series with sci-fi overtones. This is the pilot episode that proves that tv wasn’t really any better thirty years ago. With Martin Balsam, Darren McGavin, Barbara Anderson, George Wallace, Robert Cornthwaite and Olan Soule. THE BIONIC WOMAN (Lindsay Wagner) was also created, and the two met for a series of tv movies later. Just over a decade later, more kids (myself included) were watching Majors in THE FALL GUY.

SIX STRING SAMURAI (1998 US) D/W/P: LANCE MUNGIA W/P: JEFFREY FALCON In this alternative history Russians dropped the bomb and invaded America in 1957. Elvis became the king of “Lost Vegas” until his death in 1997, when the Grim Reaper (who likes heavy metal) took his throne. Falcon is the Buddy Holly-look martial arts and sword fighting guitar player on his way through the postnuke wasteland (with a little kid in tow) to dethrone death. This heavily influenced (EL MARIACHI, LONE WOLF AND CUB, MAD MAX, spaghetti westerns etc.) action movie never delivers on its “cool” posturing. The soundtrack is all tedious guitar twang from The Red Elvises.

SIX SWEDES ON A CAMPUS (amorous sisters; untamed sex; sechs schwedinnen im pensionat) (1979 SWITZ FRA) D/W: “MICHAEL THOMAS”/“MANFRED GREGOR” (ERWIN C. DIETRICH) Here’s a pretty typical Euro nudie with lots of Swiss college girls baring all for a threadbare plot. I guess the key scene would be the slo-mo all-nude leapfrog game. With Brigitte Lahaie and a terrible yet cool soundtrack. Sexploitation veteran Dietrich put the girls in a petrol station for the follow up SIX SWEDES AT A PUMP.

THE SIXTH DAY (2000 US CAN) D: ROGER SPOTTISWOODE W: CORMAC WIBBERLEY/MARIANNE WIBBERLEY P: JON DAVISON/MIKE MEDAVOY/ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Schwarzenegger is a helicopter pilot who arrives home one day to find a clone of himself playing daddy with his family. This action sci-fi set in the “near future — sooner than you think” deals with illegal human cloning and works most of the time as a big-budget time-waster, but it’s way too long and gets kinda preachy. It was nice to see Michael Rooker in a substantial bad guy role, though. With Robert Duvall, Michael Rapaport, Tony Goldwyn, Sarah Wynter, Wendy Crewson, Ken Pogue, Terry Crews, Don McManus, Christopher Lawford, Don S. Davis, Hiro Kanagawa, Gillian Barber and Claire Riley.

THE SIXTH SENSE (1999 US) D/W: M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN P: FRANK MARSHALL/KATHLEEN KENNEDY/ BARRY MENDEL Bruce Willis is a wellrespected child psychologist who’s shot by a former patient that he couldn’t cure. A year later he helps a little boy (Haley Joel Osment) who can see the ghosts of dead people. This very dramatic (and emotionally overwrought) horror movie (kind of) was a big hit critically and commercially. It is pretty good but no masterpiece, and the big surprise ending is kind of predictable. For a film praised for its originality, it sure is derivative. With Toni Collette, Olivia Williams, Mirscha Barton, Donnie Wahlberg, Trevor Morgan and Shyamalan (who made UNBREAKABLE with Willis next). Tak Fujimoto was the photographer.

SIXTY MILLION DOLLAR MAN (bai bian xing jun; baak bin sing gwan) (1995 HK) D/W: WALMAN YIP D/P: WONG JING Stephen Chow stars as a spoilt rich kid in Hawaii who’s later reduced to just a pair of lips (!) in Hong Kong, where he sees the error of his ways and becomes a shape-shifting MASK-inspired superhero. This very silly and very visual OTT comedy has Chow turning into a toilet, a microwave, a tube of toothpaste. Parts spoof DIE HARD 2, PULP FICTION and TOXIC AVENGER 2 is copied (human basketball). With Gigi Leung, Ng Man Tat, Darren Shahlavi, Paulyn Sun, Elvis Tsui, Manfred Wong and Yut Fei Wong. My favourite subtitle is “I wish I’d given birth to a bun instead of you”.

6IXTYNIN9 (ruang talok 69) (1999 THAI) D/W/P: PEN-EK RATANARUANG Lalita Panyopas (who’s very good) stars as a laid-off office worker who finds a box of money on her doorstep one day (because the 6 on her door fell and became a 9). She decides to keep it, but the price is the murder of goons who come and find it. Ratanaruang’s second feature (after 1997’s FUN BAR KARAOKE) is one of several Tarantino-inspired tales of convoluted, interconnected crimes of the era, but manages to outgrow its template with unusual characters, satirical touches (some not so obvious for non-Thai viewers) and some very funny dark comedy. Cartoonish, tongue-in-cheek but also aiming for a bit more, and sometimes succeeding (the Bangkok location photography is superb). How several shots of Princess Di and men pissing in toilets relate to all this I’m not sure. The director followed with MONRAK TRANSISTOR (2001), LAST LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE (2003), INVISIBLE WAVES (2006) and others.

60 SECONDS See: GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS (2000)

SIX WAYS TO SUNDAY (hard days) (1997 US) D/W/P: ADAM BERNSTEIN W: MARC GERALD P: DAVID COLLINS/MICHAEL NAUGHTON Norman Reedus is a young man in small-town Ohio (it was actually filmed in New Jersey) who lives with his overprotective mother (Deborah Harry). Reedus (and his alter ego?) occasionally turns violent and goes to work for gangsters. He falls in love with maid Elina Löwensohn when he’s not killing people or looking after his mother. It’s a lot better than it sounds, with cartoonish touches and is very watchable. But at the end you realise how silly and unsubstantial the whole thing was. Based on the book Portrait of a Young Man Drowning by Charles Perry. With Adrien Brody, Isaac Hayes, Peter Appel, Paul Lazar, Anna Levine and Vincent Pastore.

THE SIZZLERS See: DELINQUENT SCHOOLGIRLS

SKEETER (stinger) (1993 US) D/W: CLARK BRANDON W: LARRY HORN/JOE RUBIN P: JAMES GLENN DUDELSON/ KELLY ANDREA RUBIN/JOHN LAMBERT A desert town is plagued by oversized killer mosquitoes created by toxic waste in this slow-moving monster movie. The FX are none too convincing and it comes from an eco-warning angle, but at least Charles Napier plays the crooked sheriff. With Michael J. Pollard (acting very strange), William Sanderson, John Putch, George “Buck” Flower, Sarah Douglas and Richard Herd. Don Edmonds was the executive producer. MOSQUITO (1994) is much better.

SKEETER (1994) See: MOSQUITO (1994)

THE SKELETON KEY (2005 US) D/P: IAIN SOFTLEY W: EHREN KRUGER P: DANIEL BOBKER/MICHAEL SHAMBERG/STACEY SHER Kate Hudson stars as a student nurse from Hoboken who finds herself in New Orleans, and lands a job caring for Gena Rowlands’ stroke victim husband (John Hurt) at their bayou mansion. The old man seems terrified of something, and Hudson investigates the house’s history of hoodoo (American folk magic). Intriguing supernatural thriller is far from innovative, but manages to sidestep wallowing in clichés to seem fairly fresh, is nicely paced and capped with a neat twist conclusion. One of the better major horror releases in recent years, even if it is a little gimmicky à la SIXTH SENSE etc. With Peter Sarsgaard and Joy Bryant. Hudson is Goldie Hawn’s daughter, by the way.

SKINHEADS: THE SECOND COMING OF HATE (1988 US) D/W/P: GREYDON CLARK W: DAVID RESKIN Brian Brophy (who’s quite convincing) leads a bunch of stupid vicious skinheads (including big lug Brains) in this dumb but quite enjoyable action picture. Chuck Connors and students fight for survival in the woods. With Barbara Bain, Cynthia Cheston and the original Michael Fox. Nazi punk is on the soundtrack.

SKINNED ALIVE (1990 US) D/W: JON KILLOUGH P: J.R. BOOKWALTER Crawdaddy is a large woman with an eyepatch who drives around in a van with her incestuous daughter and son (Scott Spiegel as Phinx). They slaughter hitchhikers and make clothes from their skin. When their van breaks down in rural Ohio, they stay with a cheerful mechanic and his chatty wife while murdering the neighbours in gory ways. An alcoholic ex-cop wearing a “Boycott Jane Fonda American traitor bitch” t-shirt is the hero in this comical low-budget horror. My main problem is that it’s obvious the filmmakers took time and energy to get the FX right, so why ruin it by overdoing the goofy comedy and instantly dated shock tactics? This could have been a lot more edgy and less tiresome had they reeled it in a little. Bookwalter (who also provides the music) appears as a Jehovah’s Witness. David DeCoteau was an executive producer.

SKINNER (1993 US) D: IVAN NAGY W: PAUL HARTWILDEN P: JEFF POLLON Ted Raimi is a cheerful psycho who skins (mostly) hookers and wears their skins (scenes later copied in the movie ED GEIN). He rents a room from Ricki Lake and is pursued by a limping, scarred morphine addict (Traci Lords!). Raimi’s father is to blame, we see him forcing the boy to watch his mother’s funeral preparations in flashback. Running water is also a theme. This ghoulish, well-done black comedy from a Hungarian director, who used to date Heidi Fleiss, has great KNB EFX. Overrated by some, but well worth a look. With Richard Schiff.

SKINWALKERS (skinwalkers: eclipse) (2006 CAN US GER) D: JIM ISAAC W: JAMES DeMONACO/TODD HARTHAN/JAMES RODAY P: DENNIS BERARDI/DON CARMODY The opening blurb of this release from Stan Winston Productions talks about Yee Nadlooshi, supernatural beings of Navajo descent, but this is basically a werewolf movie, and a lousy one at that. A gang of biker werewolves (led by Jason Behr, and including Kim Coates and Natassia Malthe from BLOODRAYNE sequels) want to get their hands on a half-breed kid (Matthew Knight from THE GRUDGE sequels) as he turns 13, as he has the power to destroy them (or something). His mom (Rhona Mitra from DOOMSDAY) has to protect him, with the help of family (Elias Koteas, Sarah Carter, Shawn Roberts) who are secretly werewolves, too (they have to be chained up during the full moon). It’s difficult to tell who this was aimed at, it has a young teen protagonist (fair enough), but what’s with the gore, shootouts and werewolf sex scenes (not quite HOWLING II, but still)? In the end it pleases no one. With Roman Podhora, Julian Richings and dull wolf vs wolf punchups. From the director of JASON X, who upped his game with the surprisingly good PIG HUNT next. Watch WEREWOLVES ON WHEELS instead.

SKINWALKERS: ECLIPSE See: SKINWALKERS

SKI PARTY (1965 US) D: ALAN RAFKIN W: ROBERT KAUFMAN P: GENE CORMAN Frankie Avalon and Dwayne Hickman try to score with girls at a ski resort in this light, boring BEACH PARTY spin-off from AIP. At least the BEACH series had a sometimes engaging wackiness about it, but this musical is played straight. With Deborah Walley, cute Yvonne Craig (the only reason to watch), Robert Q. Lewis, The Hondells, James Brown and the Famous Flames, Lesley Gore, Dick Miller, Annette Funicello, Jo Collins and Astrid Schultz.

SKI PATROL (1989 US) D: RICHARD CORRELL W: STEVEN LONG MITCHELL/CRAIG W. VAN SICKLE/ WINK ROBERTS P: PHILLIP B. GOLDFINE/DON WEST Unfunny POLICE ACADEMY-inspired ski comedy (complete with black guy who does voices) is in the tradition of HOT DOG. Martin Mull is the villainous land developer who wants to build on a mountain patrolled by Ray Walston’s team of young hotshots. With an annoying multipersonality crazed snowboarder, rocket skis, a farting bulldog, comical Japanese tourists and George Lopez. The best thing I can say is if you’re into winter sports, then I guess there’s some good stunt work.

SKIPPER (the todd killings; a dangerous friend) (1971 US) D/P: BARRY SHEAR W: DENNIS MURPHY/ JOEL OLIANSKY/MANN RUBIN Robert F. Lyons stars as Skipper Todd, a 23-year-old freeloading singer-songwriter wannabe who’s idolised by the community teenagers, including the young girls he fucks. Some of them even help him dispose of the body of a girl he killed (as an experiment in power) and keep it secret. It’s based on the real “Pied Piper of Tusca” case. This National General release is pretty good, with unusual, gritty location photography and thought-provoking ideas. With Richard Thomas, Belinda Montgomery, Barbara Bel Geddes, Edward Asner, Fay Spain, Gloria Grahame, Michael Conrad, Meg Foster, Harry Lauter, Guy Wilkerson and Sugar Ray Robinson (!) as a cop. It’s better than Shear’s more well-known fear-of-the-younger-generation flick WILD IN THE STREETS (1968). Essentially remade as DEADBEAT in 1994.

SKIPPER BLOODY ATLANTIC (kill cruise; death winds; the storm; der skipper) (1990 UK GER) D/W: PETER KEGLEVIC P: MATTHIAS WENDLANDT Jürgen Prochnow is a yacht skipper in Gibraltar traumatised by an accident at sea. He decides to regain his pride by taking two annoying English cabaret singers (Patsy Kensit and Elizabeth Hurley) on a cruise with him. Hurley gets caught between Prochnow and Kensit’s intense dislike for each other. The surprise ending to this KNIFE IN THE WATER update is just silly.

THE SKULLS (2000 US CAN) D: ROB COHEN W/P: JOHN POGUE P: NEAL H. MORITZ Joshua Jackson is an underprivileged law student at an Ivy League college who’s accepted by an elite secret society that will pay his tuition fees. Murder occurs in this unconvincing, uninvolving student conspiracy thriller. With Christopher McDonald, Craig T. Nelson, Paul Walker, Hill Harper, Leslie Bibb, Steve Harris, William L. Petersen, Nigel Bennett and Cohen. Two dtv sequels followed.

SKY BANDITS (1940 US) D: RALPH STAUB W: EDWARD HALPERIN P: PHIL GOLDSTONE Laurie York Erskine wrote a series of novels starring a Canadian Mountie hero called Sgt. Renfrew. As well as being adapted for the radio, the Grand National Poverty Row studio initialised a movie series beginning with RENFREW OF THE ROYAL MOUNTED in 1937. This is the last of the eight Renfrew programmers, from Criterion Pictures Corp and Monogram, and is recommended for those searching for the sublime serial-style thrills chased by the authors of those great Forgotten Horrors books (in fact, it can be found in volume 2). Renfrew and Constable Kelly (James Newill, who sings a couple of numbers, and Dave O’Brien, both series regulars) are after smugglers with a death ray that knocks planes out of the sky! Sixty-two b/w comic book mins that’s spot on for those inclined for such hokum. With Dewey Robinson, William Pawley, Louise Stanley, Ted Adams, Dwight Frye, Jack Clifford (quite funny as the hard-of-hearing comic relief Whispering Smith), Jim Farley, Renee Duncan, Karl Hackett, Eddie Featherston, Don Brodie, “Snub” Pollard, Harry Harvey and Marin Sais. Halperin (who produced his brother Victor’s 1932 classic WHITE ZOMBIE, and others) wrote two other Renfrews for Staub, DANGER AHEAD and YUKON FLIGHT.

SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW (2004 US UK ITL) D/W: KERRY CONRAN P: JON AVNET/SADIE FROST/JUDE LAW/MARSHA OGLESBY The first major Hollywood production to be shot almost entirely on a “blue screen backlot” (that is, everything except the actors being added later thanks to CGI. See CASSHERN for a similar production out of Japan around the same time). Jude Law stars as the heroic flying ace of the title, in an alternate retro future 1939, with a look borrowed from serials, silents, cartoons and comic books. Gwyneth Paltrow is a newspaper reporter who tags along to expose the secret behind giant, destructive robots that are attacking cities all over the world. With Giovanni Ribisi, and through a combination of stock footage, stand-ins, voice actors and CGI, Laurence Olivier (!) has his first role since his death in 1989!!! This ill-conceived “homage” is a good indication of the real lack of sense, soul and talent that sinks what could have been something fun. It also doesn’t help that Law and Paltrow are incredibly boring leads.

THE SKY CRAWLERS (2008 JPN ANIMATED) D: MAMORU OSHII W: CHIHIRO ITO P: TOMOHIKO ISHII This very understated drama disappointed those expecting the sci-fi dynamics of Oshii’s GHOST IN THE SHELL movies, but if you go into it without expectations it’s a rewarding piece. The action (or lack of) unfolds at a sleepy rural military airbase in an indeterminate time, an indeterminate place. Sometimes young pilots (unable, or unwilling to grow to adulthood) die in dogfights for a vague war that seems to be without end. A synopsis on paper does it little justice. Based on a story by Hiroshi Mari, and featuring the voices of Rinko Kikuchi, Chiaki Kuriyama, Shosuke Tanihara, Ryo Kase and Naoto Takenaka. I in fact spent an hour or so as part of a group providing background voices for one scene.

THE SKYDIVERS (fiend from half moon bay; picnic at half moon bay) (1963 US) D/W: COLEMAN FRANCIS P: ANTHONY CARDOZA Years before DROP ZONE or TERMINAL VELOCITY came this most unexciting b/w skydiving movie courtesy of the director of RED ZONE CUBA and BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS (who also acts as usual). There is actually a threadbare plot in there somewhere among the immensely dull skydiving scenes. With Titus Moody and Jimmy Bryant and his band, I defy anyone to stay awake and/or remain sane without looking away during a Cardoza triple bill.

SKYJACKED (sky terror) (1972 US) D: JOHN GUILLERMIN W: STANLEY R. GREENBURG P: WALTER SELTZER Lifeless disaster movie has Claude Akins as a ’nam vet hijacking a plane (piloted by Charlton Heston) that may have a bomb on-board. It’s based on David Harper’s novel Hijacked. With Yvette Mimieux, James Brolin, Roosevelt Grier (from THE GLOVE), Walter Pidgeon, Nicholas Hammond (70s tv Spider-Man), John Fiedler, Roy Engel and Dan White.

SKYLINE (2010 US) D/P: THE BROTHERS STRAUSE W: JOSHUA CORDES W/P: LIAM O’DONNELL P: KRISTIN JAMES ANDERSEN Relatively cheap (by Hollywood standards) sci-fi actioner made outside the major studios by the VFX veterans who helmed AVP2, and unfortunately it’s just as lousy in the same overblown digitally dull way. Characters you couldn’t care less about hole up in an LA condo as huge alien ships and tentacled beasties seem to be stripping the city of human life. With Eric Balfour, Scottie Thompson, Britany Daniel, David Zayas, Crystal Reed and Donald Faison. The greatest shame is that the occasional scene shows that the premise might have once had promise, but all the fun was syphoned out. Ends with a set-up for a sequel. Brett Ratner was an executive producer.

SKYLINE CRUISERS (san tau chi sai doi; shen tou ci shi dai) (2000 HK) D: WILSON YIP W: SZETO KAM YUEN/CLEMENT CHENG P: DAVID CHAN/DORIS TSE Leon Mai Ling and Taiwanese idol Shu Qi headline this slick and stylish yet tired and derivative hi-tech crime caper. There’s lots of gadgets, codes, hacking, gleaming technology and cool posturing, and it’s all pretty boring. With Jordan Chan, Sam Lee, Terence Yin Chi Wai, Patrick Lung Kong and Ken Wong Hop Hey.

SKYSCRAPER (1997 US) D: RAYMOND MARTINO W: WILLIAM APPLEGATE JR./JOHN LARRABEE P: JOSPEH MERHI/RICHARD PEPIN Associate producer Anna Nicole Smith gets to spout some awful dialogue (and show her horrible oversized tits, of course) as a helicopter pilot who does a DIE HARD and rescues her cop boyfriend and a little boy in a high-rise taken over by a Shakespeare-quoting terrorist. If I tell you that Smith’s earlier vehicle TO THE LIMIT (also by Martino) was good in comparison, then you have an idea of how crappy this PM release is (although technically, it does look pretty good). David Proval is a security guard.

SKY TERROR See: SKYJACKED

SLAMMER See: SHORT EYES

THE SLAMS (1973 US) D: JONATHAN KAPLAN W: RICHARD L. ADAMS P: GENE CORMAN Kaplan had a pretty interesting early directing career working for the Cormans. He made NIGHT CALL NURSES and THE STUDENT TEACHERS (both fun) for Roger’s New World, before helming this for Gene at MGM. Jim Brown stars as a convicted felon with a load of the mob’s money stashed on the outside. He plans his escape (and never loses his cool) as crooks on the inside and outside try to get to him and his money. Typically freewheeling 70s funk-a-thon of a prison movie, well worth catching. Ted Cassidy is a bigotted fellow con who pours molten lead over someone’s face. With Frank De Kova and a funny cameo from Dick Miller. Andrew Davis was the cinematographer. Brown was also in I ESCAPED FROM DEVIL’S ISLAND (from the same screenwriter) the same year. Kaplan made his trash masterpiece TRUCK TURNER for AIP next.

SLASH See: I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU

SLASHDANCE See: MURDER-ROCK

SLASHER IN THE HOUSE See: HOME SWEET HOME

SLAUGHTER (massacre) (1972 US MEX) D: JACK STARRETT W: MARK HANNA/DON WILLIAMS P: MONROE SACHSON Jim Brown stars as an ex-Green Beret cop, Captain Slaughter (“the baddest cat who ever walked the Earth”) who goes to South America to get the gangsters who killed his parents. Stella Stevens is the love interest, Rip Torn is the racist main villain, and Cameron Mitchell is fun in a small role. With Don Gordon, Marlene Clark and Gerardo Zepeda. It’s not very good, but reasonably enjoyable, with a cool Billy Preston theme tune and intro sequence. SLAUGHTER’S BIG RIP-OFF followed.

SLAUGHTER (1976) See: SNUFF

SLAUGHTER (1976/II) See: DOGS

THE SLAUGHTER (1980) See: CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE

THE SLAUGHTER (1993) See: SLAUGHTER OF THE INNOCENTS

SLAUGHTER 2 See: SLAUGHTER’S BIG RIP-OFF

SLAUGHTER HOTEL See: EATEN ALIVE (1976)

SLAUGHTERHOUSE ROCK (hell island) (1987 US) D/W: DIMITRI LOGOTHETIS W: TED LANDON/NORA GOODMAN/SANDRA WILLARD P: LOUIS GEORGE Teens go to Alcatraz after one of them dreams about things happening there. A demon possesses one of them and the demon of sleep possessed me. There’s an ok bit, but don’t watch it to find it. With Toni Basil, Tom Reilly, Hope Marie Carlton and music from Devo.

SLAUGHTER IN SAN FRANCISCO (karate cop; yellow faced tiger; huang mian lao hu) (1974 HK US) D/W/P: “WILLIAM LOWE” (LO WEI) Chuck Norris (who plays the hardly-in-it villain) is top-billed, but the real star of this Golden Harvest co-production shot in San Francisco is Don Wong Tao (later to star in the hit THE SECRET RIVALS) as a motorcycle-riding vigilante former cop who wants to find the bankrobbing killers of his black partner. The martial arts action is certainly above average for an American production of the time, but not really exceptional, and the rest is ropey and dopey. So pretty much a dud. With real-life karate champ Daniel Ivan (also in BLIND RAGE, and nothing else it seems), Sylvia Chang, Wong Sam, Chin Yuet-Sang and future MR. VAMPIRE Lam Ching-Ying as an assassin (the same year he was involved with Al Adamson’s THE DYNAMITE BROTHERS!). All the voices have been dubbed by the familiar-sounding expats who did so many kung fu movies (including an exceptionally awful attempt at an Irish accent). Norris (with his hairy shoulders) steps up for the final face-off against Tao. He had, of course, already played opposite Bruce Lee in THE WAY OF THE DRAGON. Next was his first film as leading man hero (BREAKER! BREAKER!), and he never played a bad guy again (and shaved his back).

SLAUGHTER IN THE SOUTH BRONX See: TENEMENT

SLAUGHTER OF THE INNOCENTS (the slaughter) (1993 US) D/W: JAMES GLICKENHAUS P: FRANK K. ISAAC Scott Glenn is a Fed looking for a religious nut who raves and kills kids, but his young son (Glickenhaus’ real-life son Jesse Cameron) seems to be always one step ahead while emulating dad. This sometimes suspenseful and imaginative thriller could have been great, but the nepotistic and ill-advised amateur kid detective angle fucks it up. Watchable, though, and the ark ending was a good idea. With Zakes Mokae in a small part, Kevin Sorbo, Linden Ashby, Darlanne Fluegel and Aaron Eckhart.

SLAUGHTER’S BIG RIP-OFF (slaughter 2) (1973 US) D: GORDON DOUGLAS W: CHARLES JOHNSON P: MONROE SACHSON It’s just as talky as the original, but this more enjoyable sequel has a better script and is given a professional pace by veteran director Douglas. Jim Brown (in THE SLAMS and I ESCAPED FROM DEVIL’S ISLAND the same year) returns for revenge after a few of his friends (including POLICE ACADEMY regular George Gaynes) are gunned down by a passing biplane. Ed McMahon is the crime syndicate boss, Don Stroud is a sadistic hitman, Richard (Dick Anthony) Williams is fun as a pimp/safe-cracker and Judy Brown and Gloria Hendry are Brown’s women who just can’t get enough. With the always watchable Scatman Crothers, Art Metrano, Brock Peters and an uncredited Adam Roarke. The original theatrical soundtrack (James Brown and Lynn Collins) has since been replaced by a not bad generic disco/funk soundtrack. From AIP.

SLAVE COAST See: COBRA VERDE

SLAVE OF THE CANNIBAL GOD See: THE MOUNTAIN OF THE CANNIBAL GOD

SLAVES See: BLACK SNAKE

SLAVES OF CHINATOWN See: WHITE SLAVES OF CHINATOWN

THE SLAVES OF SU MURU See: THE MILLION EYES OF SU MURU

THE SLAYER (1981 US) D/P: J.S. CARDONE W/P: WILLIAM R. EWING Two couples spend their vacation at a lodge on a remote windswept fishing island (in Georgia). The sensitive female artist character dreams of people dying (a good severed-head-in-a-bed scene) and they do. There’s a briefly seen monster in this slow-moving horror with boring characters and a silly circular ending. It was released on tape with Fred Olen Ray’s SCALPS in the US and became a “video nasty” in the UK.

SLAYERS (2009) See: GAMER

SLEAZY RIDER (1976 US) D/W: ROGER GENTRY P: MARLAND PROCTOR A biker gang (one looks like Jamie Gillis) gets pulled over by a hateful sheriff (“gee whiz officer”). He forces one girl to strip and fingers her for drugs (“now I’m gonna check your snatch”). A runaway girl happens upon the gang’s campsite and asks to join them. They degrade her by forcing her to strip (“let me see your cunt”) and she has to beg all the men to “please fuck me” before a dyke mama gets head from her. The gang later breaks into the sheriff’s home for revenge and rape his wife and daughter in an orgy. This leads to a chase and shoot-out scene abruptly interrupted by onscreen text that informs us the gang ended up in jail. The end. The 60 mins print I saw may have been cut, the sex was only barely hardcore.

SLEEPAWAY CAMP (nightmare vacation) (1983 US) D/W: ROBERT HILTZIK P: MICHELE TATOSIAN/JERRY SILVA You may have been so sick of countless slasher flicks in the early 80s, but now is a good time to look back and view the superior entries you might have missed among the dross the first time around. SLEEPAWAY CAMP is just such a favourite among aficionados of the genre. It has decent gore FX by Ed French, a nice sick edge to things and a memorable pay-off surprise ending. Melanie Rose stars as the shy girl whose promiscuous fellow campers end up dead.

SLEEPAWAY CAMP 2: UNHAPPY CAMPERS (nightmare vacation 2) (1988 US) D/P: MICHAEL A. SIMPSON W: FRITZ GORDON P: JERRY SILVA/KRISHNA SHAH Pamela Springsteen (Bruce’s sister) is a grinning, singing camp counsellor who kills teens at summer camp in this awful, unfunny and unrelated spoof “sequel” (filmed back to back with part 3). With Renée Estevez and Walter Gotell.

SLEEPAWAY CAMP 3: TEENAGE WASTELAND (1988 US) D/P: MICHAEL A. SIMPSON W: FRITZ GORDON P: JERRY SILVA/KRISHNA SHAH Dogooder white kids and urban multi-ethnic juvenile delinquents are teamed together for a camping trip. Pamela Springsteen returns (this time disguised as a teenager) to kill. Like the previous entry it’s supposed to be funny, but you’d be hard pushed to tell. Michael J. Pollard is the only highlight as a horny teen-fucking counsellor.

SLEEPAWAY CAMP 4: THE SURVIVOR (1992 US) This particular sequel was actually abandoned after a few days of shooting. A SLEEPAWAY CAMP dvd box set released in 2002 included a bonus disc with 34 mins of raw footage (including several takes of the same scene) that was taken. I (barely) sat through it once, but why anyone would want to own this is beyond me. The production credits would have been D: JIM MARKOVIC W: TOM CLOHESSY P: KRISHNA SHAH. RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP has been completed and is awaiting distribution at the time of writing.

SLEEPING CORPSES LIE See: THE LIVING DEAD AT MANCHESTER MORGUE

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY (1991 US) D: JOSEPH RUBEN W: RONALD BASS P: LEONARD GOLDBERG Julia Roberts fakes her own drowning to escape her psycho husband Patrick Bergin. She relocates to a small town, but he kills her crippled blind mother and tracks her down. This big-budget debut from the director of THE STEPFATHER and DREAMSCAPE is based on a novel by Nancy Price, and is a major step down from those two previous favourites. With Kyle Secor. DARAAR (1996) is the Hindi remake.

SLEEPLESS (I can’t sleep; non ho sonno) (2000 ITL) D/W/P: DARIO ARGENTO W: FRANCO FERRINI/ CARLO LUCARELLI Could it be a hunchback dwarf that’s killing people all over the city? Max von Sydow and Stefano Dionisi investigate in this ludicrous, red herring-filled giallo. The denouement is unconvincing, but there’s some great brutal gore scenes and this is Argento’s most entertaining film since TRAUMA. With Chiara Caselli, Roberto Zibetti and Massimo Sarchielli.

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS See: THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE

SLEEPLESS TOWN (fuyajo) (1998 HK JPN) D/W: LEE CHI NGAI W: NAO NAZAWA P: MASATO HARA/ MASAO NAGAI/AKIRA MORISHINE Takeshi Kaneshiro stars as a small-time crook and “night person” in Tokyo’s Kabukicho area (a haven for illegal immigrants). The first hour and a half is a moody, slowly building story of how he must decide to either sell out his old friend (Kippe Shina) to HK gang lord Eric Tsang, or risk his own life if he doesn’t. Then things get more convoluted in the last 30 mins as plot twists and double-crosses emerge. Mirai Yamamoto co-stars in this good noirish thriller (with exceptional photography from Taylor Wong) that isn’t quite the classic you may have heard. But it is worth seeing. The cast includes Tomoroh Taguchi, Seijun Suzuki (smoking a pipe), Hua Rong Wong and Yoshimitsu Morita (THE BLACK HOUSE). Based on a novel by Seishu Habe, whose writings were also the basis for the Takashi Miike movie THE HAZARD CITY.

SLEEPWALKERS (stephen king’s…) (1992 US) D: MICK GARRIS W: STEPHEN KING P: MARK VICTOR/ MICHAEL GRAIS/NABEEL ZAHID Fans who thought King was above the trash films that his novels turned into were proved wrong when he wrote the awful script for this boring feature himself. A teen and his mother (Alice Krige) are “sleepwalkers”, weird catlike monsters who are into something evil that’s not very well explained here. Mädchen Amick is the virgin girl who the son is trying to ensnare for Krige. The sleepwalkers can be killed by normal house cats (who don’t like them) and can morph things (including themselves) and make things invisible. The only good part is a photo of a leopardwoman in a book during the opening credits, and the most absurd is when a character is stabbed to death with an ear of corn. With John Landis, Joe Dante, Tobe Hooper, Clive Barker, Cindy Pickett, Ron Perlman, Mark Hamill, King himself, Dan Martin, Frank Novak, Rusty Schwimmer, Ernie Lively and many annoying, unfunny wisecracks. Garris went on to direct many more King adaptations.

SLEEPY EYES OF DEATH: THE CHINESE JADE (son of the black mass; enter kyoshiro nemuri, the swordsman; nemuri kyoshiro I: sappocho) (1963 JPN) D: TOKUZO TANAKA W: SEIJI HOSHIKAWA The first in a popular chambara (period swordplay drama) series starring Raizo Ichikawa, as a nontraditional, rogueish master swordsman (and perfecter of the Full Moon Cut), based on the writings of Shibata Renzaburo. This pretty good entry co-stars Tomisaburo Wakayama (Shintaro Katsu’s brother, most famous for starring in the essential LONE WOLF AND CUB movies) as a Chinese boxer, and Tamao Nakamura (Katsu’s wife). The eleven sequels (through to 69) became progressively darker and more twisted, and are recommended viewing.

SLEEPY HOLLOW (1999 US GER) D: TIM BURTON W: ANDREW KEVIN WALKER/KEVIN YAGHER P: SCOTT RUDIN/ADAM SCHROEDER In 1799, Johnny Depp is a New York pathologist (who’s anti-capital punishment and pro-medical science) who travels to upstate farming community Sleepy Hollow. A headless horseman (Christopher Walken) has been cutting off people’s heads there with a sword. Based on Washington Irving’s The Legend of Sleepy Hollow this ghoulish horror fantasy (with touches of macabre comedy) is one of Burton’s best. Some of the (Jim Mitchell supervised FX) decapitations are excellent and there’s a “tree of the dead” that bleeds (like in THE GUARDIAN). Francis Ford Coppola was an executive producer and production designer Rick Heinrich deserved credit for the great fairy tale look. With Christina Ricci, Martin Landau, Christopher Lee, Miranda Richardson, Michael Gambon, Casper Van Dien, Jeffrey Jones, Richard Griffiths, Michael Gough, Lisa Maries, Alun Armstrong and Tony Maudsley. Yagher also provided miniatures.

SLICE OF DEATH See: ABBOT OF SHAOLIN

SLICKERS VS. KILLERS (chi sin cham bin yan; chi xian zhen bian ren) (1991 HK) D/P: SAMMO HUNG W: SZETO CHEUK-HON/BARRY WONG So-so comedic action thriller stars Hung as a mobile phone salesman competing with co-worker Joyce Godenzi for sales. Triad killers Jacky Cheung and Lam Ching Ying convolute the plot to no end, as does a corrupt cop after Hung’s wife. There are some select moments of decent action for Hung completists. With Carol Cheng, Ngai Sing, Richard Ng, Tommy Wong and Teddy Yip.

THE SLIME See: SLIME CITY

SLIME CITY (the slime) (1989 US) D/W/P: GREGORY LAMBERSON P: PETER CLARK/MARC J. MAKOWSKI A student painter (Robert C. Sabin) moves into an old NYC tenement building. He soon discovers that his odd neighbours eat a slimy ectoplasm, which allows a dead alchemist to possess their bodies for acts of sex and violence (or some such nonsense). He kills the homeless and hookers (low-budget gore FX by Scott Coulter, who also worked on Troma and other NYC-area cult items before founding major VFX house Worldwide, which does Hollywood blockbusters). He also sweats slime and mutates. The best part of this minimal slice of post-punk NYC indie-splatter-lite (it lacks the nasty edge of say, STREET TRASH) is the end, in which Sabin is slowly dismembered in a kitchen as he oozes yellow slime and pushes his intestines back in. “The slime must be appeased.” Lamberson delivered a late sequel, SLIME CITY MASSACRE in 2009. His other features are NEW YORK VAMPIRE (1991) and NAKED FEAR (1999).

THE SLIME PEOPLE (1962 US) D: ROBERT HUT TON W: VANCE SKARSTEDT/BLAIR ROBERTSON P: JOSEPH F. ROBERTSON “Slime people” from underground emerge to take over LA in this smoky sci-fi horror with way too dark b/w photography. When you can actually see the monsters they’re pretty cool, but the rest of this movie is terrible. Hutton stars, with Les Tremayne, Robert Burton and producer Robertson as “bum in theatre”. William Boyce (who had a wonderfully horrible singing career) also has a part. Trouble is that it’s difficult to resist a flick with such a great title.

SLIPSTREAM (1988 UK) D: STEVEN LISBERGER W: TONY KAYDEN/BILL BAUER P: GARY KURTZ Topbilled Mark Hamill (not really in it much) and Bill Paxton (the real star) are very different, opposed bounty hunters after the same civilised cyborg in a regressed future (eco-warning alert). Lots of small planes are flown and staying awake is quite a task. With Ben Kingsley, Robbie Coltrane, F. Murray Abraham and Roshan Seth. It was filmed in Turkey and the British moors by the director of TRON.

SLITHER (2005 US CAN) D/W: JAMES GUNN P: PAUL BROOKS/ERIC NEWMAN A meteor lands in the woods outside a small town, and something from it infects Michael Rooker. He slowly becomes disfigured, craves rotten meat, and impregnates another woman with tentacles that burst out of his abdomen. Things get wilder when the woman inflates to the size of a huge balloon and bursts, releasing thousands of turd-like worm creatures (like in SHIVERS) that infect the residents (via the mouth) and turn them into meat-craving zombies, all with Rooker’s personality. Elizabeth Banks stars as Rooker’s young wife with a whole town of monsters pining for her. This fun, comical throwback to rural 70s classics like SQUIRM (and maybe NIGHT OF THE CREEPS) is the first thing directed by successful screenwriter Gunn (SCOOBY-DOO, DAWN OF THE DEAD remake) since his days at Troma. With Nathan Fillion, Gregg Henry (who gets many of the best lines as an arsehole mayor), Gunn’s wife Jenna Fischer (who directed LOLLILOVE the previous year), Lloyd Kaufman, Tom Heaton, Dee Jay Jackson, a Gunn cameo and the voice of Rob Zombie.

SLITHIS See: SPAWN OF THE SLITHIS

SLUGS: THE MOVIE (mutations; slugs, muerte viscosa) (1987 SPN US) D/W/P: JUAN PIQUER SIMON W/P: JOSE ANTONIO ESCRIVA W: RON GANTMAN P: FRANCESCA DE LAURENTIIS A small-town health inspector realises that overgrown, carnivorous slugs are taking over the town. Based on Shaun Hutson’s enjoyably trashy novel, with the location switched from the UK to US, this is like no America you’ve ever visited. It was mostly shot in Madrid (some in upstate New York), and the most fascinating thing about this undeniably terrible film is the image of Americans through the eyes of clueless foreigners. Weird dialogue and behaviour put everything out of kilter, making surreal what could have been just worthless. And everything just seems so artificial, the sewers are so obviously sets (unlike, say, ALLIGATOR). After a few years of working as an extra on foreign-set reconstruction dramas for Japanese tv (always shot in or around Tokyo), I finally understand the phenomenon (it just makes me enjoy it all the more). The best gore moment is when an army of slugs creeps up on teenagers having sex. The score is performed by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra! Another classic from the director of PIECES! Unfortunately, the proposed sequel (BREEDING GROUND) never got made (shame, that book is better and has a whole city at risk).

THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE (slumber party murders; sleepless nights) (1982 US) D/P: AMY JONES W: RITA MAE BROWN An escaped killer with a long drill stalks and kills members of the female basketball team during a sleepover. We get to see their tits first of course, despite the screenplay by a feminist author. The usual junk no matter how you cut it, and loaded with false scares. Brinke Stevens and David Millbern are in it.

SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE 2 (mad rock killer) (1987 US) D/W/P: DEBORAH BROCK P: DON DANIEL Crystal Bernard (as the grown-up little girl from the original) goes to a condo for a slumber party weekend with the other members of her all-girl pop group. She has traumatic flashbacks and visions of a leather-clad guitarist with a long drill on the neck of his guitar! This silly sequel (which was banned in the UK) also features a reanimated frozen chicken attack and huge zit bursting scene. It’s from executive producer Roger Corman’s Concorde and has musical segments. At least it’s different. With Kimberly McArthur (from Playboy). Brock also made ROCK’N’ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER.

SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE 3 (stab in the dark) (1990 US) D: SALLY MATTISON W/P: CATHERINE CYRAN/ROGER CORMAN The worst in the series. More girls (including Maria Ford and Hope Marie Carlton from Andy Sidaris movies) hold a sleepover, and more guys try to sneak in and take a peek. The red herring/prime suspect quota is ridiculous (and includes voyeur Michael Harris). More deaths by drill. Watch part 2 instead.

SLUMBER PARTY MURDERS See: THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE

SMALL SOLDIERS (1998 US) D: JOE DANTE W: GAVIN SCOTT/ADAM RIFKIN/TED ELLIOTT/TERRY ROSSIO P: MICHAEL FINNELL/COLIN WILSON This excellent mix of TOY STORY and GREMLINS makes me wish I was a kid again so I could fully appreciate it, but everyone should enjoy this one. A new line of walking, talking toys (a platoon of soldiers with the voices of THE DIRTY DOZEN and the peace-loving Gorgonites) are dispatched to shops with a special AI chip designed by the US military. The soldiers wage war against the Gorgonites, and suburban humans, too. They even use a chainsaw and turn Wendy dolls into irritating, whining “cannon fodder”. Gregory Smith and Kirsten Dunst are the kids who try to stop the near-invincible soldiers. The top-notch FX are by Stan Winston, helped by David Andrews-supervised animation. Voices are from Tommy Lee Jones, Frank Langella, Ernest Borgnine, Jim Brown, George Kennedy, Bruce Dern, Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, Harry Shearer, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Christina Ricci, Cheri Oteri, Denis Leary, Rance Howard and Robert Picardo. Live action actors include Jay Mohr, Phil Hartman (to whom it’s dedicated), Kevin Dunn, David Cross, Ann Magnuson and Dick Miller and Jackie Joseph.

SMALL TOWN MASSACRE See: DEAD KIDS

THE SMASHING BIRD I USED TO KNOW See: SCHOOL FOR UNCLAIMED GIRLS

THE SMELL OF FLESH (la sbandata) (1974 ITL) D: ALFREDO MALFATTI W/P: SALVATORE SAMPERI W: OTTAVIO JEMMA Domenico Modugno (a popstar in real-life) is a Sicilian in New York who returns to his home country with all the cash he saved in the States. He stays with his brother, his wife (Luciano Paluzzi) and stepdaughter (Eleonora Giorgi). Modugno spends lots of money on the family, talks to a photo of Richard Nixon and tries to bed young Giorgi. This sex farce is based on a novel (Il Volantino) by Pietro Buttila and has lots of upskirt shots. It’s not very funny. With Umberto Spadaro.

SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT (1977 US) D/W: HAL NEEDHAM W: JAMES LEE BARRETT/CHARLES SHYER/ ALAN MANDEL/ROBERT L. LEVY P: MORT ENGELBERG The Bandit (Burt Reynolds) and Snowman (Jerry Reed, who sings the hit theme tune East Bound And Down) are hired to transport a truckload of Coors beer across the Texas/Georgia county line in a record amount of time. Trouble comes in the form of sheriff Buford T. Justice (Jackie Gleason, who is funny), pissed that daughter-in-law-to-be Sally Field skipped on his dumb son (Mike Henry from TARZAN AND THE VALLEY OF GOLD) at the altar and jumped in the Bandit’s car. This major hit Southern appeal car chase comedy directed by a stunt expert kickstarted a whole phenomenon, of which the 1979–85 tv series DUKES OF HAZZARD could be considered the pinnacle (or nadir). Nowadays it strikes nostalgia in some people’s hearts, but is not authentic and Southern fried enough to pick up any new fans, I think. With Pat McCormick and Paul Williams (PHANTOM OF PARADISE) as Big and Little Enos. With Hank Worden, Joe Klecko and John Schneider as an extra.

SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT 2 (smokey and the bandit ride again; trans am 7000) (1980 US) D: HAL NEEDHAM W: JERRY BELSON/BROCK YATES/MICHAEL KANE P: MICHAEL A. CHERUBINO/HANK MOONJEAN Reynolds, Gleason, Field, Reed, Henry and the Enos return for more Southern appeal car crash action. I suppose the highlight is when an army of trucks demolish a fleet of police cars in the desert. With Dom de Luise as a doctor looking after baby elephants, David Huddleston, John Anderson and Jerry Lester, and (as themselves) Joe Klecko, Don Williams and Terry Bradshaw.

SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT 3 (1983 US) D: DICK LOWRY W: STUART BIRNBAUM/DAVID DASHEV Gleason and Reed (and Reynolds in footage from the previous entries) return in this awful sequel with more lowbrow humour and car crashes. It was originally filmed as SMOKEY IS THE BANDIT with Gleason as both cop and bandit, but then Reed filled in the latter and it was reshot (edit: This in fact may be an urban legend). Henry and the Enos return. With Colleen Camp, Nikki Fritz, Ava Cadell and Lowry. A series of BANDIT tv movies starring Brian Bloom debuted in 1994.

SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT RIDE AGAIN See: SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT 2

THE SMUGGLER See: THE NAPLES CONNECTION

SNAKE See: SILENT PREDATORS

THE SNAKE See: COPPERHEAD (2008)

SNAKE AND CRANE ARTS OF SHAOLIN (she hao ba bu; sau hok baat biu) (1978 HK) D: CHIN CHI HWA W: CHEUNG SAN YEE P: JAMES SHAW Jackie Chan is a martial arts master who claims to own the book of snake and crane style that mysteriously disappeared along with many kung fu faction members at a clan meeting in the mountains. It turns out that Chan’s master was the lone survivor of that meeting and Chan has the book so he can lure out the culprit (Kam Kong) who poisoned and killed the other masters. Despite being one of Chan’s best kung fu vehicles, this was a dimsal box office failure. So Chan took the incredibly choreographed fight with three spearmen, revamped it and included it in his hit directorial debut THE FEARLESS HYENA. With Nora Miao, Miu Tin, Lee Man Tai, Liu Ping, Wong Chi Sang and Li Man Lang.

SNAKE DEADLY ACT (snake fist, drunken step; sau ying chui biu; she xing zui bu) (1979 HK) D/W: WILSON TONG P: LEE CHING Tong is a wealthy businessman whose son is always getting into scrapes trying to clean up the town of wrongdoers. A mysterious master of snake fist style (Fong Hak On) helps him out and becomes his teacher. But he has a hidden agenda in this kung fu favourite that’s interesting for its lack of clear-cut heroes and villains. It’s Tong’s masterful choreography that makes it so damn entertaining, though. With some great training scenes, Yang Sze (Bolo Yeung) as a travelling circus strongman, Angela Mao, Philip Kao, Cheng Hong Yip, Michael Chan Wai Man, Peter Chan Lung, Ho Pak Kwong, Tai Bo and Cheung Choh Chow. Minor quibble with the abrupt ending, but that’s it.

SNAKE EYES (a dangerous game) (1993 US) D: ABEL FERRARA W: NICHOLAS ST. JOHN P: MARY KANE Harvey Keitel is an NYC director making a movie in LA with acting couple Madonna and James Russo. Ferrara’s wife plays Keitel’s wife (Keitel’s character seems not entirely dissimilar to Ferrara). Lots of coke is snorted and reality/film blurs into one. As pretentious as you can get and no one liked it when it came out, but it does have its merits, especially for Ferrara fans (of which there should be more). With Vic Argo, Glenn Plummer and Richard Belzer.

SNAKE EYES (1998 US) D/W/P: BRIAN De PALMA W: DAVID KOEPP Nicolas Cage is typically over-the-top as a corrupt cop uncovering a conspiracy behind the assassination of the Secretary of Defense at a (rigged) boxing match. Gary Sinise is a sinister commander in charge of security. Events are seen from several people’s POV RASHOMON style, and there’s lots of video camera footage as evidence. It has a surprisingly downbeat ending, and is actually not that bad. With John Heard, Carla Gugino, Stan Shaw, Kevin Dunn, Luis Guzman, Michael Rispoli, Mike Starr, Mark Camacho, Chip Chipka, Jayne Heitmeyer, Peter McRobbie and Richard Zeman.

SNAKE FIST, DRUNKEN STEP See: SNAKE DEADLY ACT

SNAKE FIST FIGHTER See: MASTER WITH CRACKED FINGERS

SNAKEFIST VS. THE DRAGON See: SNAKE IN THE MONKEY’S SHADOW

THE SNAKE GIRL (197? CAM) D: CHIN WAN W: HUOY KING P: ROY CHUA After a young concubine type is pushed into a snake-pit, she fucks a snake, becomes pregnant and gives birth to a baby girl with snakes for hair. The girl grows up on her own into a young woman who covers her snake hair with a white wig/furry diving cap. A young man falls in love with her, but other evil townsfolk capture and torture her. Eventually a small army of snakes come to her rescue and descend upon the town to kill the wrongdoers. We also see some guys slicing their own tongues with knives and a rabbit decapitation. Weird obscurity is not that good, but it’s amazing that a feature film got made in Cambodia during this time at all. SNAKER (2001) was a later variation on the same theme.

SNAKEHEAD TERROR (2004 CAN) D/P: PAUL ZILLER W: A.G. LAWRENCE/PATRICK G. VITALE P: ELIZABETH SANCHEZ In Maryland (it was actually filmed in British Columbia), a small fishing town in economic crisis is under attack from mutated giant snakehead fish that can breathe air and walk on land. This very poor Cinetel monster movie for the Sci-Fi Channel is based on a real-life minor crisis (taken to absurd extremes of course). Bruce Boxleitner is the hero sheriff, with Carol Alt, William B. Davis, Doug Abrahams, Garry Jones and Don Mackay. Snakeheads returned in the same year’s FRANKENFISH.

SNAKE HOLE (dan oniroku: hebi no ana) (1983 JPN) D: KATSUHIKO FUJI W/P: ONIROKU DAN Izumi Shima has traumatic flashbacks of her father hanging himself (with a hard-on). She’s married to an SM-loving wealthy yakuza who keeps a length of a woman’s hair in a box that he likes to smell, taste and fondle. This guy hires a sadistic goon (a moustached Ren Osugi!) to get Shima’s best girl friend in bondage. Osugi molests her on the street, fucks her on cliffs overlooking the sea and she’s soon tied up with hot wax dripping on her (and enjoying it, of course). Shima is also raped by hubby and hirsute Osugi (a vacuum cleaner is used), and is soon begging for cock. But it turns out that she’s not a full-on masochist, and she defiantly burns her husband’s secret lock of hair. Determined to break her, he has her walk on all fours, on a leash, and leaves her on a suspension bridge. But she won’t break (“I’m not your toy”), and he realises that they can enjoy mutual, light SM sex. Back home, he ties her up and fucks her properly, cums and… drops dead from a heart attack! A devious housekeeper (who’s been involved in the action throughout) finds her, and leaves her for the police with a vibrator inside her. At the end, Shima is a nun (!) reflecting on her masochistic memories. Apparently this late Nikkatsu sex flick has a bad reputation, but I quite enjoyed it. Osugi (who later played a thinly disguised version of SM novelist legend Dan in 2000’s I AM AN SM WRITER) is a bonus for modern viewers who only know him from hip, cult favourites (or tv dramas).

SNAKE IN THE EAGLE’S SHADOW (bruce vs snake in eagle’s shadow; eagle’s shadow; she xing diao shou; sau ying diu sau) (1978 HK) D: YUEN WOO PING W: CHOI GAI GWONG W/P: NG SEE YUEN Along with DRUNKEN MASTER, this hit was responsible for the popularity of the kung fu comedy. Like DRUNKEN it stars Jackie Chan and Yuen Siu Tien as his teacher. Chan is a put-upon young man bullied by his father who runs a kung fu school. Tien is the hobo who teaches him the snake-style kung fu which Chan later adopts to include the cat claw style after seeing a cat win a fight against a snake. Tien’s old students-gone-bad (including Roy Horan as a Russian disguised as a priest) try to kill Chan, so his new style is put to use in some great fight scenes. Not as good as DRUNKEN, but well worth a look. With Hwang Jang Lee, Tino Wong, Hsu Hsia (who cochoreographed with Ping), Dean Shek, Fung Hak On, Peter Chan Lung, Fung Ging Man and Yuen Yat Choh.

SNAKE IN THE EAGLE’S SHADOW PART 2 See: SNAKY KNIGHT FIST AGAINST MANTIS

SNAKE IN THE MONKEY’S SHADOW (snakefist vs the dragon; hau ying kau sau; hou xing kou shou) (1979 HK) D/W: CHEUNG SAM W: WILSON TONG John Cheung Ng Long wants to learn kung fu so becomes a cleaner at a school where he secretly learns the moves. He eventually does become a student, and is friendly with a guy who learns styles from his pet monkey. Ng Long must eventually combine the two for revenge against hired killers Charlie Chan and the underrated Wilson Tong (responsible for the great choreography). May not be the best of its kind or particularly memorable, but it is a highly enjoyable blast of old-school martial action while it lasts. With Cheng Hong Yip, Tsang Choh Lam and Wan Faat.

SNAKE ISLAND (2002 S.AFR) D/W/P: WAYNE CRAWFORD Crawford (who I can’t believe is still making movies) and William Katt (also in RATTLED with snakes) star in this terrible, boring adventure about some people trapped on a cursed island covered with dangerous snakes.

A SNAKE OF JUNE (rokugatsu no hebi) (2002 JPN) D/W/P: SHINYA TSUKAMOTO In this wonderfullooking b/w mood piece from Tsukamoto, a very prim and proper hotline counsellor with repressed sexual desires gets blackmailed by a photographer dying from cancer (Tsukamoto) who takes pictures of her masturbating and role-playing on her own and threatens to show them to her husband unless she makes her fantasies a reality. What may sound like the plot of a boring Shannon Whirry vehicle “erotic thriller” couldn’t be further from it, an intriguing and engrossing enigmatic gem from one of our most underappreciated talents working in cinema nowadays. With Tomoroh Taguchi and Susumu Terajima in small parts. Tsukamoto’s next feature was VITAL (2004).

SNAKES See: FANGS (1974)

SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006 US) D: DAVID R. ELLIS W: JOHN HEFFERMAN/SEBASTIAN GUTIERREZ/ DAVID DALLESANDRO P: CRAIG BERENSON/DON GRAUFER/GARY LEVINSOHN Federal agent Samuel L. Jackson escorts a key witness (Nathan Phillips) to the prosecution of a gangster from Hawaii to LA by passenger plane. Poisonous snakes of all kinds are released on-board in the hope that the plane will crash. This attempt by a major studio to deliver an exciting, dumb B movie with a large budget (although it sure doesn’t look like it) is probably the first major instance of an internet fan base altering a Hollywood production radically. Major prerelease buzz on message boards resulted in studio reshoots to raise the rating from a PG-13 to an R (the new inserts are rather obvious, pathetic attempts, i.e. a snake biting some guy’s dick, ha-ha). It turned out to be a box office flop. It’s not outrageous, stupid, funny or exciting enough, the snakes are dodgy CGI, and it gets tiresome pretty quickly. Some awful music video plays during the end credits. With Julianna Margulies, Rachel Blanchard, Lin Shaye, Flex Alexander, Kenan Thompson, Sunny Mabrey (from SPECIES 3), Mark Houghton, David Koechner and Kevin McNulty.

SNAKES ON A TRAIN (2006 US) D: “THE MALLACHI BROS.” (PETER MERVIS) W: ERIC FARSBERG P: DAVID MICHAEL LATT/SHERRI STRAIN There’s a bunch of unusual characters on a late-night cross-country train from El Paso to LA. These include a Mexican stowaway and his sick wife puking up snakes! The budget is obviously real low, and there’s a distinct lack of action, but the offbeat situations keep it interesting. And stick around for the wild ending. A real oddity, much more enjoyable than the rip-off title (a retitling?) may suggest. “Your mother’s cunt stinks of carpet cleaner!” From the studio known as The Asylum.

SNAKE TERMINATOR See: NASTY HUNTER

SNAKE WOMAN (1960 UK) D: SIDNEY J. FURIE W: ORVILLE H. HAMPTON P: GEORGE FOWLER Pretty silly turn of the century tall tale about a young girl in the rural North of England whose mother was habitually injected with snake venom, resulting in her cold blood, unblinking eyes and possible homicidal tendencies. A smitten, sceptical Scotland Yard detective investigates the village’s suspiciously high death toll courtesy of snake bites. The acting in this passable yet forgettable b/w programmer is pretty wooden. Furie spent much of his early career in England, so is often assumed to be British. He is in fact Canadian. He made two juvenile delinquent flicks there (A COOL SOUND FROM HELL and A DANGEROUS AGE) in 59, and then kick-started his UK career with two horrors for the short-lived Caralan studio (this and the following year’s DR. BLOOD’S COFFIN).

SNAKY KNIGHT FIST AGAINST MANTIS (snake in the eagle’s shadow part 2; sau ying diu sau; she xing diao shou) (1978 HK) D: CHEUNG SAN YEE P: CHOW FOOK LEUNG This kung fu movie has a bad, rambling excuse for a plot, featuring Snake Fist master Don Wong Tao and his old man pickpocket partner searching for work. But the fighting (choreographed by Blacky Ko and Tsa Long-Shin) is excellent. Shame there’s not enough of it. Genre fans will want to check out the final duel featuring Tan Tao Liang’s Snake Fist (mixed with Cat style, maybe?) and villainous Lung Fei’s Mantis style, but beware it all ends on an unsatisfying note. All in all, infuriatingly almost good. With Chan Sing, Alan Chui Chung San, Lee Kwan and Carter Wong.

THE SNATCH (1974) See: SNATCHED WOMEN

SNATCHED WOMEN (the snatch) (1974 US) Curious, sleazy little hardcore quickie. Three guys and a woman kidnap some girls (one is only 14), compliment them (“look at that snatch”) and rape them. One guy (who looks like Chris Martel of GRUESOME TWOSOME fame) takes the virgin of the group, and rapes her in a warm, instructional manner. Another mean guy with a gun demands they “suck it”, while the other guy gets it on while the female captor watches. One of the prisoners gets horny watching all this, and you can hear the director yelling “roll ’em” offscreen at one point. At the end, the girls are shot dead!

SNATCHER See: CREEPTALES

SNIFFLES AND SNEEZES (1955 US) Great paranoid 11 mins short treats the common cold as if it were HIV and shows how your whole body could break down by touching a doorknob that someone with a cold has touched. Animated clouds that symbolise breath surround the children’s heads when they talk, guaranteeing that they stand at least 3 feet away during the next conversation they have!

THE SNIPER (1952 US) D: EDWARD DMYTRYK W: HARRY BROWN/EDNA ANHALT/EDWARD ANHALT P: STANLEY KRAMER Arthur Franz is an ex-con who shoots only brunettes with his rifle in San Francisco. This brilliant b/w documentary-style thriller is unfairly obscure. It was Dmytryk’s first American movie after being blacklisted. With Adolphe Menjou, Marie Windsor, Gerald Mohr, Frank Faylen, Richard Kiley, Jessie Arnold, John Butler, George Chesebro, Harry Cheshire, Cliff Clark, Kerman Cripps, Steve Darrell, Dudley Dickerson, Paul Dubov, John Eldredge, Byron Foulger, Robert Foulk, Harry Harvey, Al Hill, Donald Kerr, Mike Lally, Charles Lane, Nolan Leary, Rory Mallinson, Paul Marion, Charles Marsh, David McMahon, Sidney Miller, Jay Novello, Howard Negley, Mabel Paige, Joe Palma, Steve Pendleton, Ralph Peters, John Pickard, Gradon Rhoades, Frank Sully, Harlan Warde, Billy Wayne, Jean Wiles, Robert Williams and Victor Sen Yeung.

SNIPER (1993 US PERU) D: LUIS LLOSA W: MICHAEL FROST BECKNER/CRASH LEYLAND P: ROBERT L. ROSEN Billy Zane is a Washington bureaucrat sniper who’s sent on a mission in the jungle with veteran marine Tom Berenger in this dull action flick with some nice flashy camerawork. With J.T. Walsh and Rex Linn.

SNIPER (1996) See: SILENT TRIGGER

SNIPER 2 (2002 US) D: CRAIG R. BAXLEY W: RON MITA/JIM McCLAIN P: SCOTT EINBINDER/CAROL KOTTENBROOK Late direct-to-video sequel has retired Tom Berenger returning for a mission in the Balkans (actually Budapest) with pardoned convict sharpshooter Bokeem Woodbine. Erika Marozsán is their cute contact there. It’s nothing special, but a solid action movie that’s more enjoyable than the first one was. With Linden Ashby. J.S. Cardone was the executive producer. A SNIPER 3 followed.

SNOWBEAST (1977 US) D: HERB WALLERSTEIN W: JOSEPH STEFANO/ROGER PATTERSON P: WILFORD LLOYD BAUMES Here’s a sleep-inducing tv movie JAWS copy replacing the shark with a barely seen Bigfoot. It takes place at a ski lodge in the snowy mountains during a winter carnival. Bo Svenson, Clint Walker, Sylvia Sidney and Yvette Mimieux lend star value that it doesn’t deserve.

THE SNOW CREATURE (1954 US) D/P: W. LEE WILDER W: MYLES WILDER Apparently this is the original abominable snowman movie. A couple of botanists in the Himalayas are kidnapped by their Sherpa guides (who speak Japanese!) and made to help hunt the title creature, who has kidnapped a native woman from the village. When they do find it, it’s captured and sent to America in a big upright fridge! The monster (a guy covered in a fur carpet by the looks of things, with a cutout square to poke his head through) escapes from the airport in LA and prowls the city unnoticed via the storm drains. With Leslie Denison, Robert Bice, Rudolph Anders, William Phipps and Keith Richards (no, not that Keith Richards). Pretty sleep-inducing stuff, you’d be advised to put on Wilder’s KILLERS FROM SPACE (from the same year) straight after to wake you up. In 1990, footage from this and other vintage Yeti films was used for PETRIFIED BEAST FROM THE FROZEN ZONE.

SNOWKILL (1990 US) D: THOMAS J. WRIGHT W: HARV ZIMMEL/RAYMOND HARTUNG P: MARK H. OVITZ Escaped convicts (led by David Dukes) terrorise office workers on a motivation weekend in the snowy Rockies. They also kill the hero’s wife, so he goes out for vengeance with a crossbow. With Joey Travolta, Patti D’Arbanville, Branscombe Richmond and Lee Arenberg. It’s pretty boring.

SNOW WHITE: A TALE OF TERROR (the grimm brothers’ snow white) (1997 US) D: MICHAEL COHN W: TOM SZOLLOSI/DEBORAH SERRA P: TOM ENGELMAN Monica Keen stars and Sigourney Weaver is the wicked stepmother in this boring horror movie adaption (with only one dwarf) of the classic fairy tale. With Sam Neill, Brian Glover, Gil Bellows, Bryan Pringle and Andrew Tiernan. Filmed in the Czech Republic.

SNUFF (american cannibal; slaughter; el angel de la muerte) (1976 ARG US) D/W: MICHAEL and ROBERTA FINDLAY D: HORACIO FREDRIKSSON/SIMON NUCHTERN/CARTER STEVENS W: A. BOCHIN P: JACK BRAVMAN/ALLAN SHACKLETON This infamous, controversial phenomenon is an important lesson in exploitation advertising. The Findlays filmed a Manson-inspired religious cult horror movie in Argentina and couldn’t sell it when they got back to the States. Years later, head of Monarch releasing company Shackleton hit on the brilliant idea of tagging on a new behind-the-scenes ending that purported to be the actual on-screen killing of one of the actresses involved (her hand is sawn off and her entrails are ripped out). This unconvincing new footage was filmed by porno director Stevens (I don’t know what Fredriksson and Nuchtern did, but they’re credited on the IMDb). All credits were removed and the advertising slogan became “Filmed in South America… where life is cheap!”. Despite playing in theatres all over the US, many believed it to be a genuine snuff movie sneaked into the country! It was a hit! The FBI had to investigate it! Michael and Roberta Findlay appear in the cast, and why is the police desk in the middle of the street?

SNUFF (1999) See: SPLIT SECOND (1999)

SNUFF BOTTLE CONNECTION (san tui tit singung; shen tui tie shan gong) (1977 HK) D: LUI LE LE/TUNG KAN WU P: RICHARD TU CHIN Russian ambassadors (led by Roy Horan) plot to sew the seeds for a full-scale invasion of China under false pretences. The always evil Hwang Jang Lee is the traitorous connection who must face off against John Liu in a dynamite final reel where Yuen Woo Ping and Hsu Hsia’s choreography comes into its own and far supercedes Le and Wu’s pedestrian pacing. See it for the action and you won’t be disappointed. With Phillip Ko Fei, Chin Yuet Sang, Yuen Biao, Yuen Shun-Yi, Cory Yuen Kwai, Cho Kin, Man Man, Lee Keung, Hsu Hsia and some particularly bad English dubbing.

SNUFF KILLER See: SNUFF TRAP

SNUFF-MOVIE (2005 UK) D/W: BERNARD ROSE P: PETER LOCKE/BRAD WYMAN/LISA ENOS/DONALD KUSHER In the 60s, renowned director Boris Arkadin (Jeroen Krabbé)’s pregnant wife was slaughtered by a hippy cult who supposedly shot snuff footage of the crime. In the present day the reclusive Arkadin is shooting a new film, and the young cast (including leading lady, producer Enos) are staying overnight (in character) at his country estate. Enos’ concerned boyfriend discovers that there are spy cams all over the place, and he watches online via a pay-per-view website as the thespians are killed off. Another important character is Arkadin’s wheelchair-bound, retarded son, who was cut from his mother’s womb. This ambitious, playful movie attempts to span the decades between the Manson massacre of Sharon Tate (when the “snuff” terminology was coined) and the hi-tech paranoid possibilities of today, and tries to engage the audience by subverting its expectations. But it gets so caught up in showing off, and trying to be clever, it neglects to be entertaining (or shocking in fact). With Teri Harrison, Andrew Tiernan, and Nick Broomfield seen on tv.

THE SNUFF REELS See: NIKU DARUMA

SNUFF TRAP (snuff killer) (2003 ITL) D/W: “PIERRE LE BLANC” (BRUNO MATTEI) W/P: GIANNI PAOLUCCI A teenager goes missing in France, so her wealthy mother hires a private investigator to help find her. Their search takes them into the seedy porno underworld, and snuff movies are made by a dwarf. This extremely close rip-off of 8MM (and consequently HARDCORE) copies some scenes and even some dialogue exactly, but is even more ridiculous and much cheaper-looking. Mattei also made CANNIBAL WORLD the same year.

SOCHIYO NO KUBI (1979 JPN) D/W: SADAO NAKAJIMA W: FUMIO KANAMI Bunta Sagawara stars in this period yakuza drama that portrays an escalating gang war in Asakusa, Tokyo. It’s very well made, flawlessly acted and has great scenes (I liked the lousy mime who eats glass). But it’s too long without much of a pay-off. With Kentaro Shimizu, Johnny Okura, Yoichi Muira, Kirin Kuki, Nobuo Kaneko, Akura Nishimura, Kuriie Tanaka, Kazuo Funaki, Tatsuo Unemia, Asao Kioke, Noboru Ando, Koji Tsuruta and Koji Suruta. There was a sequel.

SOCIAL COURTESY (1951 US) You gotta love this 10 mins social hygiene short. Bill is a grumpy teen who thinks good manners are old-fashioned. But when he invites a girl to a house party, the narrator chides him throughout until he gets it right.

SOCIETY (1989 US) D: BRIAN YUZNA W: WOODY KEITH/RICK FRY P: KEITH WALLEY Billy Warlock is a Beverly Hills teen who becomes very paranoid about his social circle of wealthy families after hearing a strange tape of a friend’s “coming out” party, which sounds like a mass orgy. It turns out that everyone’s involved with aliens and can morph their elasticated bodies in a bizarre and memorable cannibal/ sex orgy scene (the excellent FX are by Screaming Mad George). Warlock even pulls one person inside out. Not an excellent film, but a pretty interesting anti-Reagan era attempt at doing something different. Worth a look definitely. With Devin De Vasquez, Tom Rainone and David Wells. It might make a good double bill with THEY LIVE! Yuzna made BRIDE OF RE-ANIMATOR the same year.

SO CLOSE (closer; chik yeung tin sai; xi yang tian shi) (2002 HK) D: CORY YUEN KWAI W: JEFF LAU CHUN WAI P: CHUI BO CHU Orphaned sisters Shu Qi and the younger, impulsive Vicky Zhao Wei are hitech assassins for hire. Zhao stays at home and monitors the action via satellite on her computer while Qi does all the slo-mo wirework and gun fu stuff. Karen Mok is a cop on their trail who eventually ends up helping them foil meaner corporate gangsters (led by Yasuaki Karuta, always nice to see). I thought I’d had my fill of overstylish CGI and wirework driven action movies, but this was actually pretty exciting throughout and made me forget the paper-thin script. It’s what the overblown and underwhelming CHARLIE’S ANGELS movies should have been. It does make you listen to The Carpenters more than you might wish, however.

SODOMA’S GHOST (ghost killer; the ghosts of sodom; i fantasm di sodoma) (1988 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: CARLO ALBERTO ALFIERI P: LUIGI NANNERINI/ ANTONIO LUCIDI Six teens on the road to Paris get lost and end up at a remote, big old house. The ghosts of decadent Nazis that used to have sex and drug parties there return to have rough sex and play Russian roulette. They also cause the youngsters to hallucinate and try to kill each another. This crap is among Fulci’s worst. Al Cliver appears briefly.

SOLAR CRISIS (crisis 2050; star fire) (1990 US JPN) D: “ALLAN SMITHEE” (RICHARD C. SARAFIAN) W: JOE GANNON/TED SARAFIAN P: RICHARD EDLUND/ JAMES NELSON/TSUNEYUKI MORISHIMA An unstable sun is causing droughts and heatwaves on Earth in the future. A solar flare is going to fry the planet, so a team of astronauts led by Tim Matheson have the suicide mission of taking a bomb up there to detonate the flare away from the Earth. Charlton Heston is Matheson’s father searching for his runaway grandson in a terrible subplot that slows down the already snail’s pace. A film concerning a possible apocalypse should be suspenseful, tense and exciting. This has no sense of immediacy whatsoever. With Jack Palance as a brain-fried desert drifter, Peter Boyle as a corporate villain who attempts to sabotage the mission, Tetsuya Bessho, Paul Koslo, Corin Nemec, Brenda Bakke, Roy Jenson, Richard Eden, Michael Berryman and Paul William as the voice of Freddie the bomb, an idea inspired by 2001 (as is the attempt at trippy visuals at the end). It’s based on a novel by executive producer Takeshi Kawata.

SOLAR FORCE See: LUNAR COP

SOLARIS (1972 SVU) D/W: ANDREI TARKOVSKY W: FRIEDRICH GORENSTEW P: VIACHESLAV TARASOV This epic near-three-hour Soviet cerebral science fiction movie based on a novel by Stanislaw Lem about astronauts who investigate a mysterious new planet is one of the most respected genre movies ever made. Granted, it may have some very interesting issues to deal with; however, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that it was an extremely difficult film to sit through. I’ve no doubt it is as slow and talky as it is intended to be, but I’m not sure if reputation and intention are enough to justify the running time to most people. I can’t say I found it particularly rewarding, but I may attempt to watch it again one day. With Nikolai Grinko and Anatoli Solonitsyn. Remade as a George Clooney vehicle (!) thirty years later.

THE SOLDIER (code name: the soldier) (1982 US) D/W/P: JAMES GLICKENHAUS Terrorists plant a stolen plutonium bomb in an oilfield in Saudi Arabia and threaten to detonate, contaminating 50% of the world’s oil supply. A special ops team led by mercenary Ken Wahl figure out it’s the Soviets and rectify the situation by taking over a missile silo in Kansas, threatening retaliation. This tight and suspenseful international action movie (parts were shot in Berlin) moves smoothly from one exciting set piece to the next, and a Tangerine Dream soundtrack never hurts either. With Klaus Kinski, William Prince, Steve James, Alberta Watson, Jeffrey Jones, Joaquim de Almeida, Zeljko Ivanec, Jason Robards III and Tom Wright. There are satisfying slo-mo gore scenes. Glickenhaus made it between the more notorious THE EXTERMINATOR and the Jackie Chan crossover attempt THE PROTECTOR. I think it’s better than both of those. [Illus.]

SOLDIER (1998 US UK) D: PAUL ANDERSON W: DAVID WEBB PEOPLES P: JERRY WEINTRAUB Kurt Russell is well-cast as an ageing super soldier who’s been trained in military discipline since birth. In the year 2036, a new improved genetically engineered strain of soldiers is introduced and Russell is replaced. Thought to be dead, he’s dumped on a waste disposal planet where a village of people who crashlanded live. The near-mute Russell ends up defending the village from a squadron of new soldiers on planet-cleaning manoeuvres. Jason Scott Lee is one of the new soldiers and Gary Busey (who’s funny while quoting his father) is the old-fashioned military commander resisting progress. With Connie Nielsen, Sean Pertwee, Jason Isaacs and good Ed French FX. Nothing special, but not bad sci-fi action with a sentimental edge that works.

SOLDIER BOYZ (1995 US) D: LOUIS MORNEAU W: DARRYL QUARLES P: BRAD KREVOY/STEVE STABLER/BRADLEY THOMAS Michael Dudikoff is an ex-Marine prison warden with clichéd b/w traumatic flashbacks who leads a team of convicts into the jungles of Vietnam to rescue a wealthy tycoon’s kidnapped UN relief worker daughter. Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa is the guerrilla leader villain and Don Stroud turns up briefly wearing an eyepatch. More brainless cable fodder for you to fall asleep to. With Jacqueline Obradors.

SOLE SURVIVOR (1982 US) D/W: THOM EBERHARDT P: DON BARKEMEYER Eberhardt’s directorial debut is a creepy little number that could have influenced the later FINAL DESTINATION films (but not in tone). A female tv advertising executive is the only completely unscathed survivor of an airline crash. Nothing is really explained, but it seems that the corpses of the recently dead are after her because she cheated death. Quietly effective and eerie, it’s more than just a CARNIVAL OF SOULS rip-off (although it was undoubtedly influenced by it). Brinke Stevens flashes her tits during a game of strip poker. Eberhardt made the fun cult favourite NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984) next.

SOLE SURVIVOR (2000 CAN) D: MIKAEL SALOMON W: RICHARD CHRISTIAN MATHESON Very dull and dreadfully drawn-out 3-hour miniseries (in 2 parts) stars Billy Zane as a widowed father who learns that his wife and little daughter, thought to have died in a plane crash, may still be alive. It’s based on a Dean R. Koontz novel. John C. McGinley co-stars and overacts as a crazed FBI agent, with Gloria Reuben, Glenn Morshower, Dan Joffre, Teryl Rothery, Terry Chen, Garwin Sanford, Roger R. Cross, Alonso Oyarzun, Dee Jay Jackson and Alf Humphreys.

SOLO (cyber soldier) (1996 US MEX) D: NORBERTO BARBA W: DAVID L. CORLEY P: JOSEPH NEWTON COHEN/JOHN FLOCK Mario Van Peebles is a prototype cyborg fighting machine who malfunctions, escapes and defends a small South American village from nemesis William Sadler. Adrien Brody is his creator. Ok, but thoroughly routine actioner. With Barry Corbin and Greg Collins. Based on Robert Mason’s novel Weapon.

SOM AND BANK: BANGKOK FOR SALE See: ONE TAKE ONLY

SOME CALL HER…DIRTY HARRIET, THE BIG ZAPPER See: THE BIG ZAPPER

SOME LIKE IT SEXY (come back peter) (1969 UK) D/W/P: DONOVAN WINTER A smarmy Londoner who likes to wear things like a purple shirt with an orange tie spends his days bedding different girls. These include an airhead foreign blonde au pair, a model, a wealthy older woman, a black revolutionary masochist, a masseuse and a hippy dope smoker. Twins Mary and Madeleine Collinson (from TWINS OF EVIL) ignore him during a lesbian groping scene. This very dated swingin’ sex movie features laughable attempts at arty camerawork and strobe and psychedelic FX. It’s pretty boring. Look for cute Madeline Smith in a small (and unfortunately fully clothed) role.

SOMEONE’S WATCHING ME (high rise) (1978 US) D/W: JOHN CARPENTER P: ANNA COTTLE It is better than most tv movies of its type, but still this suspense thriller starring Lauren Hutton as a highrise dweller being stalked by an unseen voyeur is overrated. Not bad, though. With Adrienne Barbeau and David Birney.

SOMETHING EVIL (hexagon) (1971 US) D: STEVEN SPIELBERG W: ROBERT CLOUSE P: ALAN JAY FAC TOR Advertising executive Darren McGavin, his wife Sandy Dennis and their little boy and baby girl move into a farmhouse in the country. Jeff Corey is a land worker who warns of evil. Dennis goes crazy and keeps coming across an unidentified pulsating mass in a jar. Eventually we learn that the son is possessed by the Devil in a disappointing love-conquers-all ending. With Ralph Bellamy and John Rubinstein (in ZACHARIAH the same year). Quick bits are from Spielberg, Carl Gottlieb (who wrote the JAWS screenplay) and Bruno VeSota. Uninspired tv movie is only for Spielberg completists. Clouse, of course, directed ENTER THE DRAGON and BLACK BELT JONES, among others.

SOMETHING IS OUT THERE (1977) See: DAY OF THE ANIMALS

SOMETHING’S HAPPENING See: THE WORLD OF ACID

SOMETHING WEIRD (1967 US) D: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS W/P: JAMES F. HURLEY Tony McCabe stars as Mitch, who develops psychic powers after he is electrocuted and has his face disfigured by a loose electric cable. He tries to rape a nurse while he’s in hospital who says, “A freak lie you should have died”. While working as a fortune-teller, an ugly witch offers to give him back his looks if he’ll become her lover. The cackling, horny hag tricks him by transforming into a beautiful blonde and he finally gives in, looking very pleased and smarmy with his new face (“my proud peacock”). The witch also has big lips tattooed on her knee. Meanwhile, a schizophrenic (“a part-time madman”) is strangling and burning women and even becomes a sniper. A sleazy government agent/doctor wants to use McCabe to help the local police find the murderer. He gives him LSD to heighten his psychic powers, but the LSD scene is a bit of a let-down (McCabe just falls asleep and has a red-tinted dream). Dr. Jordan tries hitting on the witch (who’s visible to everyone but McCabe as the lovely Elizabeth Hale) while McCabe plays around with other women who seem to find him irresistible. McCabe also levitates at a party and communicates with a ghost in a church. This surprising gem also has a character assaulted by a bedsheet, very bad acting, weird gunshot sound FX, bad karate, Lewis regular Jeffrey Allen and a lot more crammed into it’s short (less than 80 mins) running time. One of Lewis’ best (he also photographed it), and the effective music by Edward J. Paten became Something Weird Video’s signature tune. Hurley directed THE PSYCHIC the following year.

SOMETIMES AUNT MARTHA DOES DREADFUL THINGS (aunt martha) (1971 US) D/W/P: THOMAS CASEY “Scott Lawrence” (aka Wayne Crawford) stays in a suburban home in Miami where he’s supposed to be hiding out from a murder rap. But he still goes out to ball chicks and get stoned in a highly conspicuous painted hippy van. Abe Zwick is his nagging, overprotective “Aunt Martha”, actually his on-the-run buddy in drag. Except Martha seems be a little too much in character, constantly chastising the goofy Crawford for running around with girls and taking drugs, and not cutting his hair. This warped, almost sitcom-esque state of events is entertaining enough, but soon murders are also thrown into the mix. Some may consider this unintentionally laughable, but I don’t think so. I’ve never seen anything else quite like it. Worth checking out. William Kerwin and Brad Grinter turn up as cops at the end. Harry Kerwin was the production manager and Chris Martell of THE GRUESOME TWOSOME was the assistant director. Casey wrote FLESH FEAST for Grinter.

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK (bros.) (1991 US) D: TOM McLOUGHLIN W: LAWRENCE KONNER/ MARK ROSENTHAL P: MICHAEL S. MURPHY Tim Matheson stars (and occasionally narrates) as a traumatised high school teacher who returns to his childhood town to work. Flashbacks show how nasty greasers killed his brother 27 years ago. They return (sometimes as rotting zombies) to kill Matheson’s students and terrorise his family (Brooke Adams is his wife). This tv movie is tame, sentimental and very slow-going. It’s based on Stephen King’s story. Martin Schmidt filmed the same story (as SNAKE EYES) as an amateur video feature. With William Sanderson and Bentley Mitchum.

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK… AGAIN! (1995 US) D/W: ADAM GROSSMAN W: GUY REIDEL P: MICHAEL T. MELTZER Despite some similarities, this is unrelated to the original. Michael Gross and daughter Hilary Swank return to his home town after grandma dies. Alexis Arquette leads a bunch of wisecracking, undead delinquent-look demons who have been sacrificing members of Gross’ family for years. William Morgan Sheppard is an old priest who knows what’s going on. Pretty mindless and forgettable, with death by lawnmower and tarot cards, and a Speed Racer t-shirt.

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK FOR MORE (frozen; ice station; ice station erebus) (1998 US) D/P: DANIEL BERK W: ADAM GROSSMAN/DARRYL SOLLERH P: DIANA ZAHN Just what we needed, yet another useless “sequel” with no relation to earlier titles in the series. It’s a THING-inspired tale of Devil worship and zombies (neither of which are seen much or explained, set at a remote Arctic military research installation. Most of it is characters arguing in claustrophobic conditions. You figure it out (if you can stay awake). With Max Perlich. I hope they don’t come back anymore.

SONATINE (1993 JPN) D/W: TAKESHI KITANO P: MASAYUKI MORI/YAKIO YOSHIDA/HISAO NABESHIMA Indescribable and unmissable tale of yakuza vacationing at the beach is probably Kitano’s most (relatively) lighthearted noncomedy (before ZATOICHI at least) and is full of memorable moments and unforgettable subtle nuances. I’m fucking up this synopsis more and more with each word I write, just see the damn thing. With Susumu Terajima, Ren Osugi, Kenichi Yajima, Kanji Tsuda and Take-chan, of course. Followed by the flop GETTING ANY?

SONNY AND JED See: J AND S

SONNY BOY (1990 US) D: ROBERT MARTIN CARROLL W: GRAEME WHIFFLER P: OVIDIO G. ASSONITIS Here’s an excellent, unique sleeper that more people should see. Paul L. Smith runs a stolen goods operation from his trailer in the New Mexico desert. A dragged out David Carradine (who also provides some of the music) is his girlfriend. They raise a stolen baby boy who grows up to be Michael Griffin. They keep the tongueless man/child/geek in a cage and release him when one of Papa’s enemies needs killing. It may surprise you to learn that this movie is full of compassion and has a lot of heart to go along with the exciting exploitation elements. The oddball cast is rounded out by Brad Dourif, Sydney Lassick, Conrad Janis and Samantha Phillips.

SON OF BLOB (beware the blob!) (1972 US) D: LARRY HAGMAN W/P: ANTHONY HARRIS W: RICHARD CLARK/JACK H. HARRIS/JACK WOODS There’s more humour in this sequel to THE BLOB, but it’s no better. Scenes from the original turn up on tv and the climax takes place in a leisure complex. Robert Walker stars, with Richard Webb, Dick Van Patten, Del Close, Carol Lynley, Burgess Meredith, Gerrit Graham, Cindy Williams, Richard Stahl, Godfrey Cambridge, Marlene Clark (from SWITCHBLADE SISTERS and GANJA AND HESS), and Hagman. Close was also in the original and the (superior) 88 remake.

SON OF DRACULA (1943 US) D: ROBERT SIODMAK W: ERIC TAYLOR/CURT SIODMAK P: FORD BEEBE Officially the third entry in the Universal Dracula series, and a step on the path towards monsterfests HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN and HOUSE OF DRACULA, this is in reality a stand-alone vampire movie, and a romantic low-key little gem it is, too. Star Robert Paige (like a B movie James Stewart here) can’t understand the eccentric behaviour of his fiancée Louise Allbritton, who seems under the control of Count Alucard (Lon Chaney Jr., who’s very cool with his pencil-thin moustache), whom she’s invited from Budapest to stay at her family plantation in the swamps of Louisiana. Doctor Frank Craven and Romanian vampire expert J. Edward Bromberg are on the case. There are memorable, eerie scenes of Chaney transforming into mist and floating across the swamplands. The bat transformation FX are a bit more hokey, but it’s all good fun. With Evelyn Ankers, George Irving, Samuel S. Hinds, Etta McDaniel, Cyril Delevanti, Charles R. Moore, Robert Dudley, Robert F. Hill, Sam McDaniel, George Meeker, Jack Rockwell and Walter Sande. In b/w.

SON OF FRANKENSTEIN (1939 US) D/P: ROWLAND V. LEE W: WYLLIS COOPER This lesser but solid entry (from a different director) in the Universal series stars Basil Rathbone as Wolf von Frankenstein, son of the infamous “mad” scientist Victor von Frankenstein. Rathbone returns to his ancestral home with his family and discovers loyal servant Ygor (Bela Lugosi) lurking in the semi-destroyed lab. It’s not long before Wolf’s cursed ancestry catches up with him and he, too, revives the monster (returning Boris Karloff). I’m sure audiences at the time were surprised when an arm is ripped off. Rathbone makes an excellent Frankenstein and Lionel Atwill is great as the police inspector. The sets are almost expressionistic in design and it’s one of the few chances to see Boris and Bela together. With Emma Dunn, Edgar Norton, Perry Ivins, Lawrence Grant, Lionel Belmore, Michael Mark, Gustav Von Seyffertitz, Tom Ricketts, Ward Bond, Eddie Cassidy, Harry Cording, Dwight Frye, Eddie Parker, Russ Powell, Clarence Wilson and Bud Wolfe. THE GHOST OF FRANKENSTEIN followed.

SON OF GODZILLA (haijuto no kessen: gojira no musuko) (1967 JPN) D: JUN FUKUDA W: SHINNICHI SEKIZAWA/KAZUE SHIBA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA The apex of silliness for the Toho series is still worth seeing, not for the overcute, stupid-looking son Minya who blows smoke rings, but for the giant praying mantis and spider that Gojira protects the Minya egg from. With Akira Kubo, Akihiko Hirata, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Kenji Sahara and Wataru Omae. SON OF GREETINGS See: HI, MOM!

THE SON OF HERCULES IN THE LAND OF FIRE (ursus in the land of fire; ursus nella terra di fuoco) (1963 ITL) D: GIORGIO SIMONELLI W: MARCELLO CIORCIOLINI/LUCIANO MARTINO/ERNESTO GASTALDI (uncredited) Ed Fury is Ursus the son of Hercules in the last of several Italian muscleman movies he starred in. It’s a fairly dull and routine entry in the appealing genre that is peplum. With Claudia Mori.

SON OF KONG (1933 US) D/P: ERNEST B. SCHOEDSACK W: RUTH ROSE It’s pretty obvious that this b/w RKO follow up to KING KONG was rushed. It’s still a fairly enjoyable, light sequel with Willis O’Brien stop-motion FX. Robert Armstrong plans to return to skull island, but after the ship’s crew mutinies, he, a stowaway, the cook and the captain end up rowboating to a small island where a slightly less giant than Kong white gorilla fights dinosaurs. Merian C. Cooper was the executive producer. With Frank Reicher, Noble Johnson, Edward Brady, Steve Clemente, Oscar Hendrian, James B. Leong, Frank Mills, Frank O’Connor, Claude Payton, Jack Richardson, Constantine Romanoff, Gertrude Short, Harry Tenbrook and Clarence Wilson.

SON OF INGAGI (1940 US) D/P: RICHARD C. KAHN W: SPENCER WILLIAMS JR. Faked roadshow “documentary” INGAGI (1930) was such a long-running hit that this unrelated b/w black cast mystery from Sack Amusements was so named. After the kindly/grumpy old female doctor (in her lab she makes the “greatest discovery since Louis Pasteur”) dies, her home is inherited by a newlywed couple. Little do they know that there’s a secret basement with African gold being guarded by Ingeena, a hairy-faced brute who emerges from a secret panel to kill when unwitting visitors bang a gong in the living room. A fat lazy detective (screenwriter Williams, who went on to direct the odd THE BLOOD OF JESUS and GO DOWN DEATH, and was later Andy in the Amos’n’Andy 50s tv show) investigates. This pretty loopy one-hour obscurity is fun, historically important, and has good comic dialogue. With Jesse Graves and The Four Toppers (with Steve Gibson, who later became the hit-making Five Red Caps), a good harmony quintet with rhythm guitar and upright bass (they sing a couple of comical anti-marriage songs, and were also in MYSTERY IN SWING the same year). Kahn also directed an enjoyable trilogy of black cast musical westerns beginning with TWO GUN MAN FROM HARLEM.

SON OF THE BLACK MASS See: SLEEPY EYES OF DEATH: THE CHINESE JADE

THE SONS OF HERCULES In the mid-60s (the exact dates of which I am unclear), a bunch of English-dubbed (and probably cut) Italian sword-andsandal fantasy films were syndicated for American tv as part of a fake series entitled THE SONS OF HERCULES (the weekly intro boasted a catchy theme song). I suspect that one movie was split in two and shown over two weeks, but I’m not sure. Most of the individual films (in their tv print form) are available on cheap dvd box sets (usually those double-sided disc things) with new SON OF HERCULES titles (usually on the box, but not the print). Here’s the list of all 14 titles (some are reviewed in this book) and their recent retitlings: [[bul]] THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD aka MOLE MEN VS. THE SON OF HERCULES [[bul]] MACISTE, GLADIARORE DI SPARTA aka THE TERROR OF ROME VS. THE SON OF HERCULES [[bul]] COLOSSUS OF THE STONE AGE aka FIRE MONSTERS AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES [[bul]] TRIONFO DI MACISTE aka TRIUMPH OF THE SON OF HERCULES [[bul]] HERCULES THE INVINCIBLE aka SON OF HERCULES IN THE LAND OF DARKNESS [[bul]] ULYSSES AGAINST HERCULES aka ULYSSES AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES [[bul]] URSUS IN THE LAND OF FIRE aka THE SON OF HERCULES IN THE LAND OF FIRE [[bul]] THE MIGHTY URSUS aka URSUS, SON OF HERCULES [[bul]] GOLIATH AND THE REBEL SLAVE aka THE TYRANT OF LYDIA VS. THE SON OF HERCULES [[bul]] L’ULTIMO GLADIATORE aka MESSALINA AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES [[bul]] ANTHAR L’INVINCIBILE aka DEVIL OF THE DESERT AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES [[bul]] PERSEUS AGAINST THE MONSTERS aka MEDUSA AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES [[bul]] L’EROE DI BABILONIA aka THE BEAST OF BABYLON AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES [[bul]] MARTE, DIO DELLA GUERRA aka VENUS AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES or THE SON OF HERCULES AGAINST VENUS

SONZ OF WU TANG See: CLUTCH OF POWER

SORCEROR (wages of fear) (1977 US) D/P: WILLIAM FRIEDKIN W: WALON GREEN Four men (Roy Scheider, Bruno Cremer, Francisco Rabal and Amidou) in a South American shithole volunteer to drive some trucks loaded with unstable nitro over treacherous mountains, collapsing bridges and dense jungle. This gripping, underrated remake of THE WAGES OF FEAR benefits from impressive (hypnotic) location work (not unlike a Werner Herzog movie), suspense cranked way up and a soundtrack from Tangerine Dream. With Joe Spinell, Jean-Luc Bideau, Jacques François and André Falcon. Newt Arnold was first assistant director and Luis Llosa was the assistant to the producer.

THE SORCERERS (1967 UK) D/W: MICHAEL REEVES W: TOM BAKER/JOHN BURKE P: PATRICK CURTIS/ TONY TENSER Before the more famous THE WITCHFINDER GENERAL the young Reeves made this equally excellent but quite different (if similarly cynical and bleak) fantastic thriller. Ian Ogilvy is a bored London bad boy fed-up with the swinging club scene. Looking for something new he takes up an offer by elderly Boris Karloff to try a new “psychedelic” device. Turns out that Karloff is semi-reluctantly working on behalf of his bitter old wife, and after a never really explained light show, they both are able to experience what Ogilvy does, and eventually control his actions. London locations are used as the good Karloff struggles for control as his wife uses the youth to do things she can’t, car chases, bank robberies, sex and violence. Brilliant concept perfectly realised, with particularly good turns from Karloff and Catherine Lacy as his wife. With Susan George.

THE SORE LOSERS (1997 US) D/W/P: J. MICHAEL McCARTHY An ageless alien dressed like a 50s greaser teen and with a love of EC horror comics returns to Earth for the first time since the 50s to kill some people. He hooks up with another psycho who hammers nails into some guy’s head and a hippyhating psycho gal. Japanese band Guitar Wolf (stars of the movie WILD ZERO) seem indestructible, have their English dialogue dubbed by someone else, and emit laser zaps from their eyes (I think parts of this made it into one of their music videos) and the Royal Pendletons play in a bar. David F. Friedman is God! I appreciate some of the primitive, stomping music on the soundtrack and I understand the fetish for 50s rockabilly culture, but attempting to emulate that feel in the modern-day doesn’t really work (especially on such a low budget). At least it’s ambitious and doesn’t come across too fanboy. Associate producer and assisstant director Emmy Collins also has a part.

SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-ORAMA (the imp) (1987 US) D/P: DAVID DeCOTEAU W: SERGEI HASENECZ P: JOHN SCHOUWEILLER Some sexy co-eds and geeks ogling them get terrorised by a crap rubber puppet (from a bowling trophy) while performing a sorority ritual in a shopping mall. Linnea Quigley is the biker chick who saves them. With Michelle Bauer, Brinke Stevens and George “Buck” Flower. This nudie horror comedy is fucking awful. Followed by SORORITY BABES IN THE DANCE-A-THON OF DEATH.

SOROROITY GIRL (sorority house; the bad one) (1957 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: ED WATERS/LEO LIEBERMAN Sabra (Susan Cabot, soon to be THE WASP WOMAN) is a spoilt, lonely and vindictive rich college girl who vents her frustration by abusing a pledge girl. Unable to connect with her cold, widowed mother (their dinner scene together is an icy bitch-fest), she tries to hurt those around her with gossip and blackmail, almost resulting in a pregnant girl’s suicide. Her nemesis is a serious member of student council with her own secrets (and she’s dating Dick Miller!). Corman’s answer to the major studio THE STRANGE ONE is a slight but quite effective melodrama, with good acting (Cabot is excellent), interesting characters and dialogue. And check out Bill Martin’s superb opening credit sequence. Not what you might expect from AIP (it was on a double bill with MOTORCYCLE GANG, to keep thrill-seekers happy). 59 b/w mins. Remade in 1994 as CONFESSIONS OF A SORORITY GIRL.

SORORITY HOUSE See: SORORITY GIRL

SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE (1986 US) D/W: CAROL FRANK P: RON DIAMOND A new girl at a sorority house has nightmares and hallucinations about a killer on campus. A psycho escapes from the mental asylum and turns up to kill the girls and their boyfriends during a party. This HALLOWEEN copy from uncredited executive producer Roger Corman’s Concorde is only about 75 mins long but seems to go on forever. A sequel followed in 1990.

SORORITY ROW (splatter high) (2009 US) D: STEWART HENDLER W: JOSH STOLBERG/PETER GOLDFINGER P: MIKE KARZ/DARRIN HOLENDER Bitchy sorority girls play a mean prank that goes wrong and results in death. They make a pact to protect their secret, but during a graduation party a hooded figure kills with a modified tyre iron. The killer unmasking is not worth waiting for. Pretty boring (and not really very gory by modern standards) loose remake of executive producer Mark Rosman’s THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW. With Carrie Fisher as the House Mother, Margo Harshman, Jamie Chung (from DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION) and Matt O’Leary.

SORUM (2002 S.KOR) D/W: YUN JONG-CHAN A taxi driver who idolises Bruce Lee moves into a room in a run-down apartment building in Seoul. The previous tenant died in a fire. He starts dating a woman who works at a convenience store and lives in the same building. She has lost a child somehow. Another tenant is an ex-publisher who talks about ghosts. Everyone talks, smokes and just hangs around a lot, and then some vague notion of something supernatural happens at the very end. Well-made and curiously watchable and not boring, but the nonresolution will leave most viewers who invested their time thoroughly pissed off, I would imagine. With Jang Jin-Young and Gi Ju-Bong.

SO SAD ABOUT GLORIA See: VISIONS OF EVIL

S.O.S. CONCORDE See: AIRPORT ‘79: THE CONCORDE

S.O.S. SPACESHIP See: THE INVISIBLE BOY

LA SOUFRIERE: WARTEN AUF EINE UNAUSWEICHLICHE KATASTROPHE (1976 W.GER) D: WERNER HERZOG Upon hearing that the volcano La Soufrière, on the Caribbean island of Guadeloupe was about to erupt violently, and that a peasant there refused to be evacuated along with everybody else, Herzog and a two-man crew went to document the ghost town facing a seemingly inevitable disaster (that never happened). The resulting 30 mins film is a curious entry in the Herzog oeuvre, a rare (for Herzog) example of how a fascinating real-life event can be compacted into an oddly glib and vacuous travelogue-a-like. It’s narrated in English.

SOULS FOR SALE See: CONFESSIONS OF AN OPIUM EATER

SOUL SOLDIER (the red, white and black; black cavalry; buffalo soldier) (1970 US) D: JOHN “BUD” CARDOS W: MARLENE WEED P: JAMES M. NORTHERN/ STUART Z. HIRSCHMAN This early entry in the 70s blaxploitation cycle is a western about blacks joining in the Yankee cavalry in 1871. It’s got more talk than action and will more than likely send you to sleep. Robert DoQui and Rafer Johnson star, with Cesar Romero, Robert Dix, Barbara Hale, Isabel Sanford, Barbara Brown and David White. It was Cardos’ directorial debut. He made KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS next in 77.

SOUL SURVIVORS (entrance) (2001 US) D/W: STEVE CARPENTER P: NEAL H. MORITZ/STOKELY CHAFFIN Four friends off to college (Casey Affleck, Wes Bentley, Eliza Dushku and Melissa Sagemiller) end up in a car wreck. Affleck dies so his girlfriend Sagemiller goes into severe depression and suffers hallucinations of Affleck and other scarier things like people trying to kill her. She seeks help from a kindly priest (Luke Wilson), who turns out to be a ghost. Her so-called friends Bentley and Dushku run out of sympathy real fast. The ending of this nonsense will really piss you off if you were intrigued, as I was, to know what’s going on. I advise staying away unless you like movies that put you in a bad mood. With Angela Featherstone. It was Carpenter’s first film as director since THE KINDRED.

SOULTAKER (spectre) (1990 US) D: MICHAEL RISSI W: VIVIAN SCHILLING W/P: ERIC PARKINSON P: CONNIE KINGREY In this fucked-up fantasy screenwriter Schilling and some guy are a mismatched couple who end up in a car crash that separates their spirits from the dying bodies in the hospital. They try to return to life while title character Joe Estevez attempts to have Schilling for himself (she’s the reincarnation of his lost love). It’s got some nice ideas but seriously drags in the second half despite some ambitious camerawork and editing. When Estevez and partner Robert Z’Dar (as “the angel of death”) are on-screen, they look unbelievably weird together. With David Fralick.

THE SOULTANGLER (operation x) (1987 US) D/W: PAT BISHOW W: LANCE LAURIE/JOHN BISHOW P: PAULA VLODOWSKY This very cheap-looking horror movie was filmed on Long Island and concerns a female reporter trying to uncover the diabolical works of a mad doctor researching the physical existence of the human soul. His drug-addicted cronies kidnap women off the streets (one has a bag on his head and hits them with a hammer) and the doctor (who narrates sometimes) cuts them up. The reporter narrates sometimes, too, and there are many hallucination scenes (one with zombies) so it’s pretty disorientating. The gore FX are excellent for the budget and the soundtrack is mostly rambling electronic industrial psych with the occasional rock song (I liked the one by The Pets best). A lot of work seems to have gone into it which makes me want to like it more, but aside from the impressive climax it’s pretty dreary. With a clip from HAXAN, lots of close-ups of cigarettes being lit and small parts from the D/W/P team.

SOUL VENGEANCE (welcome home brother charles) (1975 US) D/W/P: JAMAA FANAKA Marlo Monte stars as a drug-dealer who’s badly beaten and almost castrated with a razor by a corrupt white cop. He’s set up to do some time and released three years later to find his girl is gone and friends have changed. For most of its 90 mins or so running time it’s a relatively typical slice of the 70s (drugs, Afros, funky music etc.). But when Monte seeks revenge he hypnotises the wives of his enemies with his dick. In one of the most memorable scenes in the history of cinema it extends about 10 feet long and strangles someone! Obviously this is worth watching the film for on it’s own. My other favourite scene was when Monte’s girlfriend buys him a red leisure suit as a present. Fanaka (who should be more well known) made the PENITENTIARY series. He also wrote the theme music and edited.

A SOUND OF THUNDER (2005 US GER CZE) D: PETER HYAMS W: THOMAS DEAN DONNELLY/JOSHUA OPPENHEIMER/GREGORY POIRIER P: HOWARD BALDWIN/KAREN BALDWIN/MOSHE DIAMANT Ben Kingsley runs a futuristic “time safari” in which clients are led back to a prehistoric past (by a team led by Edward Burns) on a time path, from which they can hunt dinosaurs without altering the course of time. Of course, something does go wrong, and “time wave” ripples gradually turn a future city into a wild jungle filled with ape-like dinosaurs. I think spoilt modern audiences complained too much about not-too-bad CGI FX (although the integration of them, with actors at times walking in front of a background screen projecting a cityscape, is laughable), whereas the main problems lie with a ridiculous, illogical and just plain silly screenplay (based on a short story by Ray Bradbury). Entertainingly dumb at least, will probably become a cult so-bad-it’s-good item over the years. With Catherine McCormack, Heike Makatsch, Armin Rohde, Jenima Rooper, Wilfried Hochholdinger and August Zirner. A troubled production (it began in 2002 with Renny Harlin on-board as director), it was mainly shot in Prague.

SOUND STAGE MASSACRE See: STAGEFRIGHT

SOURCE CODE (mission: 8 minutes) (2010 US) D: DUNCAN JONES W: BEN RIPLEY P: MARK GORDON/ JORDAN WYNN/PHILLIPPE ROUSSELET Jake Gyllenhaal finds himself on a train bound for Chicago, confused about his identity and surroundings. The train blows up. He then wakes up inside what seems to be a simulator, with Vera Farmiga on a monitor telling him he must go back and relive those eight minutes until he can stop a bomb from exploding. To say any more would spoil potential surprises (although it is somewhat predictable). Enjoyable enough hokum while it lasts, with a slightly schmaltzy aftertaste, and an ambiguous ending that allows the filmmakers to get away with glaring plotholes. Overall a minor GROUNDHOG DAY/ DREAMSCAPE mash-up that got some reviewers oddly excited (just like Jones’ previous film, MOON). So I suppose you might enjoy it even more. With Michelle Monaghan, Jeffrey Wright, Russell Peters and the voice of Scott Bakula.

SOUTH BRONX HEROES (the runaways; revenge of the innocents) (1985 US) D/W/P: WILLIAM SZARKA W: DON SCHIFFRIN/ELI HAVIV This begins promisingly sleazily with a foster parent demanding a child in his care strip for a porno being filmed in the basement (“you will earn your meals in this house”), but soon slows down and gets boring as other abused kids from the same house escape to the South Bronx and are helped by Mario and Megan Van Peebles. With Dan Lauria and some breakdancing.

SOUTHERN COMFORT (1981 US) D/W: WALTER HILL W/P: DAVID GILER W: MICHAEL KANE Often considered a substandard DELIVERANCE rip-off, this can stand on its own. Louisiana 1973, a squad of National Guardsmen (with blanks in their guns) are on manoeuvres in the swamps. When they piss off a bunch of Cajun trappers (who remain unseen), steal their boats and take one-armed, bearded Brion James as their prisoner, they become hunted men. Keith Carradine and Powers Boothe star. Peter Coyote doesn’t last long as a squad commander and Fred Ward, Lewis Smith and Sonny Landham are here, too. Real pigs are shot and a traditional Cajun band play music.

SOUTHERN CROSS See: CUBA CROSSING

SOUTHLAND TALES (2006 US GER FRA) D/W: RICHARD KELLY P: BO HYDE/SEAN McKITTRICK/ KENDALL MORGAN/MATTHEW RHODES Deliberately bewildering, ambiguous multicharacter apocalyptic epic set in LA (mostly) in a near future after nuclear bombs have gone off in Texas. The world is at war again, and an interstate passport is required to cross the country. Dwayne Johnson is a Schwarzenegger-like actor with political ties suffering from amnesia, being manipulated by neo-Marxist terrorists in league with a reality tv show porn star (Sarah Michelle Gellar). Sean William Scott, in what appears to be a dual role, is a cop and his identical tripping brother. Justin Timberlake narrates, and does a song and dance number. Kelly also wrote three graphic novels (which I haven’t read) that supposedly help work it all out. That’s fine, but a movie should stand alone, and despite some really nice ideas and individual scenes, I think this is Kelly’s weakest link between DONNIE DARKO and THE BOX (2009). With Curtis Armstrong, Bai Ling, Wallace Shawn, Christopher Lambert, Zelda Rubinstein, Miranda Richardson, Cheri Oteri, Wood Harris, Jon Lovitz, John Larroquette, Beth Grant, Holmes Osborne, Carlos Amezula, Nora Dunn, Kevin Smith (looking like Johnny Legend), Janeane Garofalo (very briefly, she was mostly cut out) and dwarfs. It borrows from so many other movies, but I mostly found it reminiscent of the miniseries WILD PALMS (1993), and there are clips from KISS ME DEADLY. I saw a 150 or so mins cut, but some prints are about twenty minutes shorter. Music by Moby.

SOUTH SHAOLIN VS. NORTH SHAOLIN (buksorim namtaegwon)(1983 S.KOR) D: CASANOVA WONG P: PARK JONG KU Casanova Wong and Eagle Han are in this kung fu obscurity which has enough impressive fight action to make it worth a look.

SOYLENT GREEN (1973 US) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: STANLEY R. GREENBERG P: WALTER SELTZER/ RUSSEL THATCHER Charlton Heston is a cop in the overcrowded, poisonous smog-filled New York City of 2022. He discovers that dead people are the main ingredient of the slop soylent green gruel that the city folks live on. Ponderous, expensive and very slow and predictable stuff. With Edward G. Robinson, Leigh Taylor-Young, Joseph Cotten, Chuck Connors, Brock Peters, Whit Bissell, Mike Henry, Roy Jenson, Lincoln Kilpatrick, Dick Van Patten, Belle Mitchell and Cyril Delevanti. Talk about a wasted cast.

SPACE AGENT K1 See: THE HUMAN DUPLICATORS

SPACE AVENGER See: ALIEN SPACE AVENGER

SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO (2010 JPN) D: TAKASHI YAMAZAKI W: SHIMAKO SATO P: NOBUHIRO AZUMA/YASUHIRO YAMADA/AKIHIKO ISHIMARU/ CHIKAHIRO ANDO Long-awaited and really quite terrible big-screen live-action remake of the very influential long-running anime series that debuted in 1974 (and the 1978 feature spin-off FAREWELL SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO) stars Takuya Kimura (who’s too old) as Kodai (or Derek Wildstar to STAR BLAZERS fans!), the brash young fighter pilot who has to take over as captain of the titular (modified naval battle) ship on a mission to obtain a radiation eliminator from the planet Iskandar, in a future (2199) when the Earth is ravaged by meteor bombs fired from Mars by the Gamilas. The VFX (overseen by the experienced director Yamazaki) are surprisingly good for the most part, but everything else (acting, alleged comedy, endless melodrama) is just awful (and only laughable now and again, so it’s dull, too). The production values are pretty paltry, so you never feel the huge scale of the adventure, and static, isolated scenes on the bridge of the ship (more LAND OF THE GIANTS than STAR TREK) really grind the momentum down (it’s way overlong anyway). Scenes on the surface of Iskandar reminded me of STARSHIP TROOPERS, or rather a video game based on that modern sci-fi classic. And don’t get me started on the charisma vacuum that is Meisa Kuroki (as awful here as she was in ASSAULT GIRLS). Romantic scenes between her and Kimura totally lack chemistry, and just resemble two narcissists feeling each other out before a pout-off! Tsutomu Yamazaki doesn’t have much to do as bedridden Captain Okita (who will remind British viewers of Captain Birdseye above all else). With Toshiro Yanagiba, Toshiyuki Nishida, Reiko Takashima, Hiroyuki Ikeuchi, Naoto Ogata, Shinnichi Tsutsumi, Kazuki Namioka, Yoji Tanaka, Kazuki Kitamura, Isao Hashizume, Miyu Sawai, Natsuhi Ueno and the voice of Ibu Masato. When it finally ends, we’re tortured by a horrible Steven Tyler song (Love Lives) during the end credits. I’ll sum up with this: During prerelease promotion for the film, TBS tv studios (who backed it) in Akasaka had a replica Yamato out front and a regular scheduled “light show”. Me and the wife saw it, and were thoroughly under-whelmed when one single thin green laser pencil light danced about a bit. But it was a pretty accurate summation of what to expect. To quote Mr. Horse from REN & STIMPY, “No, sir, I didn’t like it.”

THE SPACE CHILDREN (1958 US) D: JACK ARNOLD W: BERNARD C. SCHOENFELD/TOM FILER P: WILLIAM ALLAND Scientists (including Jackie Gleason) have moved their families into one of those typical Arnold middle-of-nowhere towns to be near the rocket research facility. Their children are controlled by a telepathic alien brain in a cave that wants to launch a nuclear missile. Neat b/w sci-fi chiller. With Raymond Bailey, Russell Johnson and Ray Walker and kids Johnny Walker and Sandy Descher.

SPACE DEVIL See: EVILS OF THE NIGHT

SPACED INVADERS (martians!!!) (1990 US) D/W: PATRICK READ JOHNSON W: SCOTT LAWRENCE ALEXANDER P: LUIGI CINGOLANI A small Midwestern town’s radio station decides to rebroadcast Orson Welles’ War of the Worlds on Halloween on its 50th anniversary. Short Martians (one sounds like Jack Nicholson) pick it up on their ship and think they’ll land to join in the nonexistent invasion. It’s a funny idea, but most of the comedy in this family film is of the more obvious and less satirical nature. Kids might enjoy it, though. Royal Dano has one of his most substantial later roles as an opportunist with his dog and camera. With Patrika Darbo.

SPACE GIRLS See: 2069: A SEX ODYSSEY

SPACE GREYHOUND See: INVASION OF THE NEPTUNE MEN

SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE (1983 CAN US) D: LAMONT JOHNSON W: DAVID PRESTON/EDITH REY/DANIEL GOLDBERG/ LEN BLUM/STEWART HARDING/JEAN LA FLEUR P: DON CARMODY/ANDRE LINK/JOHN DUNNING Peter Strauss is a bounty hunter looking for three Earth women kidnapped by mutant cyborg Michael Ironside on a PSI plague-ridden planet. Molly Ringwald is an orphan “tracker” who tags along. Some briefly seen fat, blobby monsters are the best thing about this silly sci-fi adventure originally released in 3D. With Ernie Hudson, Andrea Marcovicci and Colin Mochrie. Ivan Reitman was the executive producer. La Fleur (ILSA, TIGRESS) was the original director replaced by Johnson.

SPACE INVASION OF LAPLAND See: TERROR IN THE MIDNIGHT SUN

SPACE IS THE PLACE (1974 US) D: JOHN CONEY W: JOSHUA SMITH P: JIM NEWMAN There’s no accurate way to describe this fascinating Sun Ra propaganda fantasy musical. Ra is first seen as Sonny Ra in 1945 causing a riot in a club in Chicago by pounding the piano keys! Then, having gone missing in Europe in the 60s, he and his intergalactic Arkestra land from outer space in his ship in Oakland, California. The ship emits laser beams, and Ra immediately plays his keyboards and a special helmet is placed on a journalist who passes out. Later Ra pops up in a black youth club to talk about the plight of blacks on Earth, and sets up an employment agency! Ra wears his amazing Egyptian getup throughout, and there’s plenty of other amazing costumes. There’s a concert at the end. This warped oddity put me in mind of the films of Fredric Hobbs, until I realised midway through that Hobbs regular Christopher Brooks is in it. Check it out. Also recommended is the soundtrack LP.

SPACE KID See: MEATBALLS PART 2

SPACE LIZARD 3001 See: OBLIVION

SPACE MASTER X-7 (1957 US) D: EDWARD BERNDS W: DANIEL MAINWARING/GEORGE WORTHING YATES P: BERNARD GLASSER In this lowkey but entertaining b/w sci-fi variation on PANIC IN THE STREETS, Bill Williams must find a girl (Lyn Thomas) who’s been infected by a vampiric alien fungus brought back to Earth on a space probe. Moe Howard has a cameo as a cab driver (Bernds directed many Stooges shorts). With Paul Frees, Thomas Browne Henry, Fred Sherman, Robert Bice, Lane Chandler, Hank Mann (from the Keystone Cops) and Judd Holdren (CAPTAIN CODY).

SPACE MONSTER See: FIRST WOMAN IN SPACE

SPACE MONSTERS See: EVILS OF THE NIGHT

SPACE MUTANTS See: PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES

SPACE MUTINY (1987 US S.AFR) D/P: DAVID WINTERS D: NEAL SUNDSTROM W: MARIA DANTE Cheap and awful space adventure has an evil, overacting John Phillip Law leading a revolt against spaceship commander Cameron Mitchell (wearing a big, white Santa beard). Reb Brown is the hero, and Mitchell’s real-life daughter Cissy is one of the good guys, too. I liked the warehouse car chase with golf carts (modified to look like something else, but they ain’t fooling no one) and the hula hoop disco (!), but the rest of this is pretty tedious. The only space battle FX you see are from BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. From the much-missed (!?) 80s AIP video company (nothing to do with the 50s and 60s AIP).

SPACE 1999 See: COSMIC PRINCESS

SPACE PROBE TAURUS See: FIRST WOMAN IN SPACE

SPACE RAGE: BREAKOUT ON A PRISON PLANET (planet of fire; a dollar a day; trackers) (1985 US) D: CONRAD E. PALMISANO/PETER McCARTHY W: JIM LENAHAM W/P: MORTON REED Escaped convict Michael Pare causes trouble on another planet. That’s to give this disguised western tenuous sci-fi links. After the hero is killed, old Richard Farnsworth (later in THE STRAIGHT STORY) has a showdown with Pare at the end. Now you know, you don’t have to waste your time. With William Windon, Thomas Rosales Jr. and Hank Worden. [Illus.]

SPACESHIP See: THE CREATURE WASN’T NICE

SPACESHIP TO THE UNKNOWN See: FLASH GORDON (1936)

SPACESHIP VENUS DOES NOT REPLY See: FIRST SPACESHIP ON VENUS

SPACE SOLDIERS See: FLASH GORDON (1936)

SPACE SOLDIERS CONQUER THE UNIVERSE See: FLASH GORDON CONQUERS THE UNIVERSE

SPACE SOLDIERS’ TRIP TO MARS See: FLASH GORDON’S TRIP TO MARS

SPACE TRAVELERS (2000 JPN) D: KATSUYUKI MOTOHIRO W: YOSHIKAZU OKADA P: TORU HORIBA/ MASATAKE KONDO/YUJI USUI Orphans Takeshi Kaneshiro, Masanobu Ando and Hiroyuki Ikeuchi attempt to rob a bank. Instead manager Ren Osugi (and security guard Guts Ishimatsu) accidentally get locked in the vault with the cash and the trio must take hostages while the police mount outside. Eri Fukatsu, Toshio Kakei, Ken Watanabe, Sawa Suzuki, Masahiro Komoto and Take Maruno are the willing hostages who become part of the Space Travelers (an animated tv series they name themselves after). Based on the story Jobi Joba Dai Pinch, it’s fun, lightweight comedy that’s a little overlong at 130 mins. With the hugely famous talk show host Masatoshi Hamada (seen in blackface) as a coward, Ken Otsui and Hitoshi Nakayama. Someone called Shinnichi Chiba is credited as Steadicam operator, but I doubt it’s THE Sonny Chiba, is it? Motohiro directed episodes of the hit tv series BAYSIDE SHAKEDOWN and the subsequent big-screen spin-off.

SPACE TRUCKERS (star truckers) (1996 US IRE) D/W/P: STUART GORDON W/P: TED MANN P: PETER NEWMAN/GREG JOHNSON Space pilots Dennis Hopper and Stephen Dorff argue over space diner waitress Debi Mazar while unwittingly hauling a freighter load of near-indestructible war robots to Earth. Charles Dance is the villain, a deformed halfmechanical scientist with a pull cord-rotating dick (not seen). This silly sci-fi action comedy is not very funny or exciting, but has some ok parts and is not as awful as it’s rumoured to be. With George Wendt, Vernon Wells, Barbara Crampton and Shane Rimmer. SPACE VAMPIRE See: LIFEFORCE

THE SPACE VAMPIRES (1969) See: THE ASTROZOMBIES

SPACE WOLF See: WAR OF THE PLANETS (1978)

SPACE ZOMBIE See: BLOODSUCKERS FROM OUTER SPACE

SPACE ZOMBIES (1969) See: THE ASTRO-ZOMBIES

SPANISH ROSE (point of impact; in too deep; body hard) (1993 S.AFR) D: BOB MISOROWSKI W: DAVID ZITO/LES WELDON/GEORGE FERNANDEZ P: DANNY LERNER Michael Pare is a disgraced, wrongfully accused ex-customs agent who takes a bodyguard job looking after sadistic Cuban gunrunner Michael Ironside’s trophy wife Barbara Carrera. She and Pare have an affair while some typically lame Nu Image action movie plot unfolds.

THE SPARTAN GLADIATORS (the revolt of the seven; la rivolta dei sette) (1964 ITL) D/W: ALBERTO DE MARTINO W: SANDRO CONTINENZA/VINCENZO MANNINO P: JOSEPH FRYD Tony Russel is the American star of this none too exciting, typical “peplum” (sword and sandal) adventure of the period. With Massimo Serato, Livio Lorenzon, Piero Lulli, Howard Ross and Nando Angelini. Other De Martino peplums from the same year are HERCULES AND THE TEN AVENGERS and THE INVINCIBLE SEVEN.

SPARTAN X See: WHEELS ON MEALS

THE SPAWNING See: PIRANHA II

SPAWN OF THE SLITHIS (slithis) (1978 US) D/W/P: STEPHEN TRAXLER W: PAUL FABIAN A lumpy man-in-a-suit-monster emerges from a canal in Venice Beach, CA, after toxic waste has been dumped. It sees things in blurry Slithis-vision, and kills. This very low-budget effort is not good, the sheer boredom and ineptitude (the sound is awful) winning out against any potential regional diy charm. Don’t miss the exciting turtle race! Robert Caramico shot it, and future DEEP IMPACT director Mimi (daughter of Paul) Leder was script supervisor.

SPAWN: THE MOVIE (1997 US) D/W: MARK A.Z. DIPPE W: ALAN McELROY P: CLINT GOLDMAN This expensive FX-laden superhero movie based on executive producer Todd MacFarlane’s comic book and animated tv series was helmed by a guy who works for ILM. Michael Jai White is the professional hitman hero who dies and is reborn in Hell with organic body armour with weapons, but ends up fighting for Heaven. Martin Sheen is a corporate villain developing deadly biological weapons. The main villain, though, is an irritating, fat, blue-skinned dwarf clown (John Leguizamo under loads of latex) who spouts unfunny wisecracks and works for Satan. Critically reviled hit looks amazing, but is pretty bad. With Theresa Randle, Melinda Clarke, Miko Hughes, Sydni Beaudoin, Nicol Williamson, D.B. Sweeney and one of those SE7EN-inspired scratchy opening credit sequences.

THE SPEARMAN See: FLAG OF IRON

THE SPEARMAN OF DEATH See: FLAG OF IRON

THE SPECIALIST (el specialista) (1994 US PERU) D: LUIS LLOSA W: ALEXANDRA SEROS P: JERRY WEINTRAUB Sharon Stone hires ex-CIA explosives expert Sylvester Stallone to kill gangster Eric Roberts (and his henchman) who murdered her parents when she was a kid. There’s lots of explosions and James Woods is fun as a psychotic ex-partner of Stallone’s who works for Roberts’ gangster kingpin dad Rod Steiger. It’s “suggested” by The Specialist novels of John Shirley. With Antoni Corone. SPEED and BLOWN AWAY were other major release bomb movies from the same year.

THE SPECIALS (men in spider 2) (1999 US) D: CRAIG MAZIN W: JAMES GUNN P: DAN BATES/RICK MISCHEL/ MARK A. ALTMAN Thomas Haden Church is The Strobe, the pompous leader of the second-rate superhero group The Specials in this sometimes hilarious comedy that would make a fine double bill with the bigger-budgeted MYSTERY MEN. Other members are played by Paget Brewster, Kelly Coffield, Judy Greer, Rob Lowe, Jamie Kennedy, John Doe, Jordan Ladd and Gunn (who wrote this between TROMEO AND JULIET and SCOOBY-DOO). With Frank Medrano, Melissa Joan Hart, Michael Weatherly and Chris Masterson. My favourite character is US Bill. The peculiar AKA is from the Japanese video release.

SPECIAL SILENCERS (1979 INDO) D: ARIZAL W: DEDDY ARMAND/DJAIR P: DHAMOO PUNJABI/ RAAM PUNJABI Barry Prima (from THE WARRIOR series) stars in this ridiculous action/horror crossover. He’s the martial arts-fighting stranger in town, trying to find out who’s killing the candidates for town mayor. The villain gives his victims red tablets called “special silencers” that cause a tree to grow inside the body, resulting in branches bursting out through the stomach! Unusual but slow-moving, until the exciting finale involving smelly shoe torture, rats, gore and booby traps. With W.D. Mochtar and Eva Arnaz. The whole movie was probably inspired by the chestburster scene in ALIEN.

SPECIES (1995 US) D: ROGER DONALDSON W/P: DENNIS FELDMAN P: FRANK MANUSO JR. Natasha Henstridge is a killer monster inspired by H.R. Giger housed inside a shapely blonde, the result of human and alien DNA splicing. She easily picks up men to mate with before ripping them to shreds. A bunch of scientists (Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Alfred Molina and psychic Forest Whitaker) have to track her down. On inspecting a gore-stained crime scene, Whitaker muses “something bad happened here”. Such crummy dialogue would only enhance a decent, brainless tits ’n’ terror high-profile exploitation film — which this isn’t. With Marg Helgen-berger, Michelle Williams and Whip Hubley. A sequel followed.

SPECIES II (1997 US) D: PETER MEDAK W: CHRIS BRANCATO P: FRANK MANCUSO JR. Big-budget B movie sequel is much more fun with plenty of gory monster action. This time an alien infects space hero Justin Lazard on Mars, and he brings it to Earth. Henstridge returns as a tamer clone of the original alien. Madsen and Helgenberger also return, with George Dzunda, Mykelti Williamson, John Cromwell, Peter Boyle in a padded cell, Sarah Wynter, Richard Belzer and Steve Johnson monster makeup. A poor dtv SPECIES 3 (2004) SPECIES: THE AWAKENING (2007) followed.

SPECIES RETURN See: PROGENY

SPECTERS (spettri) (1987 ITL) D/W: MARCELLO AVALLONE W/P: MAURIZIO TEDESCO W: ANDREA PURGATORI/DARDANO SACCHETTI P: GUALTIERO GATTO Donald Pleasence leads a group of archaeologists on a dig in an ancient Roman underground vault. A monster (which you never really see) kills them and a confusing QUATERMASS AND THE PIT rip-off plot collapses into tedium before your very eyes. It was made for Italian tv.

THE SPECTRE (1963) See: THE GHOST

SPECTRE (1990) See: SOULTAKER

SPEED (1994 US) D: JAN DE BONT W: GRAHAM YOST P: MARK GORDON Keanu Reeves stars as an LA SWAT guy who has to stop crazed bomber villain Dennis Hopper in this fun, rollercoaster hit. The first set-up section concerns an explosion in a high-rise elevator shaft. The second, main (and best) part is on-board a city bus that’s wired to explode if it goes under 50 kph The third (unnecessary) segment takes place on the LA subway (which was still new and under construction at the time). Sandra Bullock co-stars, but don’t let that put you off, it’s exciting stuff. With Jeff Daniels, Joe Morton, Alan Ruck, Glenn Plummer, Beth Grant, Beau Starr, John Capodice, Thomas Roslaes Jr. and Richard Schiff. It was the directorial debut of former Paul Verhoeven cinematographer De Bont, who went downhill after this quality-wise (including the sequel). THE SPECIALIST and BLOWN AWAY were other major explosive movies from ‘94.

SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL (1997 US) D/W/P: JAN DE BONT W: RANDALL McCORMICK/JEFF NATHANSON P: STEVE PERRY/MICHAEL PEYSER More elaborate sequel has grinning computer whiz psycho Willem Dafoe taking control of a Caribbean cruise ship so he can steal some diamonds on-board. Sandra Bullock and hero cop boyfriend Jason Patric are taking a vacation on the boat, so he gets into lots of cliffhanger situations while trying to rescue passengers and destroy the leech-using Dafoe’s plans while she flusters, comic relief style. Bo Svenson doesn’t live long as the captain. With Lois Chiles, Temuera Morrison, Colleen Camp, Patrika Darbo, Mark Adair-Rios, Glenn Plummer, Joe Morton, a deaf kid in peril, and clips from LOLITA and THE ENEMY BELOW. Tim Conway is a driving instructor in silly bookend comedy bits. It’s not as awful as you’ve heard, but considering the amount of perilous situations and big-budget destruction, it should have been more exciting.

SPEED ZONE (cannonball fever) (1989 CAN US) D: JIM DRAKE W: MICHAEL SHORT P: MURRAY SHOSTAK Someone had the very bad idea of resurrecting the CANNONBALL RUN series and this waste of time resulted. John Candy drives with a sexy Marilyn type for sleaze Eugene Leavy. Tim Matheson and his tv report crew join other contestants like The Smothers Brothers, Art Hindle and Shari Belafonte. Peter Boyle (who rents himself out for too much crap) is the crazy police chief trying to stop the (irresponsible and dangerous) race (but he’s the bad guy). Brooke Shields appears as herself, a sarcastic airline stewardess. Lee Van Cleef (in his penultimate role) appears very briefly at the beginning. With Joe Flaherty, Jamie Farr, Donna Dixon, Matt Frewer, Michael Spinks, Minni Kuzyk, Richard Petty, Carl Lewis, Alyssa Milano, Brian George and John Schneider.

SPELL See: DRAG ME TO HELL

SPHERE (1998 US) D/P: BARRY LEVINSON W: STEPHEN HAUSER/PAUL ATTANASIO/KURT WIMMER P: ANDREW WALD/MICHAEL CRICHTON Dustin Hoffman, Sharon Stone, Samuel L. Jackson, Liev Schreiber and Peter Coyote are a group of researchers investigating a spacecraft at the bottom of the ocean. At first they think it’s a future American spacecraft sucked back through a black hole, but then they discover a big, intelligent, shimmering gold sphere called Jerry. I won’t say any more should I spoil the surprise, but this is a thoughtful adaption of a Crichton novel that suffers from an ending that may disappoint some viewers. With Queen Latifah, Huey Lewis as a helicopter pilot, alien jellyfish attack, and a Jules Verne plot device.

THE SPIDER (1958) See: EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (1958)

SPIDER (2002 FRA CAN UK) D/P: DAVID CRONENBERG W: PATRICK McGRATH P: CATHERINE BAILEY/ SAMUEL HADIDA Good luck understanding mumbling Ralph Fiennes as the new tenant at a special lodging house for mental patients. The majority of this very slow-moving mystery drama is his confused flashbacks recalling the death of his mother. Not a bad film, but the pay-off is weak and predictable after all that patient concentration. It’s based on McGrath’s novel. With Miranda Richardson overacting in a dual (actually triple) role, Gabriel Byrne, Lynn Redgrave and John Neville.

SPIDER BABY, OR: THE MADDEST STORY EVER TOLD (1964 US) D/W: JACK HILL P: GIL LASKY/DAUL MONKA After working uncredited on many Roger Corman productions, Hill got to direct a whole film himself. Like so many cult favourites it’s been talked up too much, but if it’s watched without overblown expectations then you’ll probably enjoy it as a decent, different b/w horror flick. Lon Chaney Jr. is excellent as the family chauffeur looking after the final generation of the Merry family at the crumbling old mansion. The three children (two girls and a boy) have a rare age regression disease that can turn cannibalistic if not properly controlled. With Sid Haig as “big kid” Ralph, Mantan Moreland and a sly sense of black humour.

THE SPIDER LABYRINTH (the spider’s nest; il nido del ragno) (1988 ITL) D: GIANFRANCO GIAGNI W: RICCARDO ARGANO/CESARE FRUGONI/ GIANFRANCO MANFREDI An American professor travels to Budapest to discover more about an ancient religion that seems to have had simultaneous followings in different parts of the world. He stays at a hotel run by Stéphane Audran, and is warned to leave by several shifty locals (with spider-shaped scars on their arms). This slow-going supernatural mystery eventually pays off with scenes of an underground corpse-strewn lair where a spider-woman with red hair, fangs and web saliva lurks, and an animated spider-baby. The FX are by Sergio Stivaletti. Nothing amazing, but a real find for Eurotrash fans. With William Berger as a cop, and Bill Bolender.

SPIDER-MAN (1977) See: THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN

SPIDERMAN (1978 JPN) D: KOICHI TAKEMOTO W: SHOZO UEHARA P: SUSUMU YOSHIKAWA Marvel Comics licenced their Spider-Man character out to Toei studios who could do whatever they wanted with him. So in this 41-episode tv series “Spiderman” (Kosuke Kayama) is a motorcycle-riding older teen who’s injected with spider venom by a mountain hermit. The hermit turns into a spider and has a psychic link with Kayama. Spiderman wears a cool outfit, can shoot webs from a metal bracelet, climbs walls in great FX scenes, and has animated web-shaped radar senses. He also does martial arts and strikes poses a lot. But more importantly (and thanks to co-financiers Bandai wanting to shift more toys) he can summon a big flying robot (with a sports car inside) that comes in handy when Spidey’s men-in-monster-suit enemies grow to giant size (they always do). The main villain in the series is an alien called Prof. Monster (Mitsuo Ando). The above credits refer to a vcd of the first two episodes available from Bijouflix (minus English subtitles). In the second episode, Prof. Monster pushes processed magic mushroom powder that causes teens at a disco to dance themselves to death! Mushroom monsters that provide the ingredients will remind you of MATANGO. With Hiroshi Miyauchi and often hilarious narration. This disc is a great sampler and will make you wish you could see an English-language release of the whole series.

SPIDER-MAN (2002 US) D: SAM RAIMI W: DAVID KOEPP P: IAN BRYCE/LAURA ZISKIN Over a decade after DARKMAN, Raimi got another chance at a superhero movie, and this time with a huge Hollywood budget. The results are not amazing, but like X-MEN it’s a decent foundation-laying first entry for a potentially great series. Tobey Maguire is surprisingly good as picked-on high school student photographer Peter Parker who’s bitten by a genetically-altered spider. The best scenes have Maguire learning to harness his newfound web-slinging powers. In an inspired bit of casting, Willem Dafoe is the corporate mogul who becomes The Green Goblin! With Kirsten Dunst, Bruce Campbell, Ted Raimi, Bill Nunn, Cliff Robertson, J.K. Simmons, Rosemary Harris, Scott Spiegel, James Franco, wrestler Randy Poffo, Elizabeth Banks, Jayce Bartok, Macy Gray, Lucy Lawless, Rance Howard and executive producer Stan Lee. A new animated tv series followed.

SPIDER-MAN 2 (2004 US) D: SAM RAIMI W: ALVIN SARGENT/ALFRED GOUGH/MILES MILLAR/MICHAEL CHABON P: AVI ARAD/LAURA ZISKIN This time the villain is Dr. Octopus (a miscast Alfred Molina), a scientist working in energy fusion who ends up controlled by four metallic tentacle arms that plug into his spine and brain. Has its popcorn munching summer blockbuster moments, but not enough of them by far, concentrating too much on glib character development, romantic subplots and badly written melodrama. The ending is awfully anticlimactic, too. Here’s hoping that they rev up the thrills for the inevitable third part (this was a record-breaking hit). Maguire, Dunst, Harris, Campbell, Raimi, Nunn, Simmons, Franco, Banks, Spiegel, Dafoe and executive producer Lee return, with Donna Murphy, Dylan Baker, Peter McRobbie and John Landis. Part 3 (2007) was quite the mess, so they restarted again with THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012).

SPIDER PANIC See: EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS

SPIDERS (2000 US) D: GARY JONES W: STEPHEN JONES/JACE ANDERSON/ADAM GIERASCH W/P: BOAZ DAVIDSON P: DANNY LERNER Spiders injected with alien DNA by the military become unstoppable killing machines (sometimes cool FX). They hunt people first in a hidden underground lab and then in the city. It’s like THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION mixed with ALIENS (the spiders burst out of bodies, tough female hero) for young FOX tv watching X-FILES fans (conspiracy theories, cover-ups). It kinda sucks really, but it is a giant spider movie so is worthwhile by definition alone. I saw it on Japanese tv after its brief theatrical run there. With Jonathan Breck.

SPIDERS 2: BREEDING GROUND (2001 US) D: SAM FIRSTENBERGER W: STEPHEN BROOKS W/P: BOAZ DAVIDSON P: DANNY LERNER/DAVID VAROD Stephanie Niznik and some guy are amateur sailors shipwrecked in a storm. They are rescued by a mysterious cargo ship helmed by Daniel Quinn. Richard Moll is the crazed ship’s doctor who has bloody corpses fed to a giant spider (which eventually escapes, of course, along with some other smaller ones). Niznik’s guy is fucked (!?) by the spider and is incubating an egg, so she must find the vaccine. The FX (mostly computer-generated with models and the occasional real tarantula) are awful.

THE SPIDER’S NEST See: THE SPIDER LABYRINTH

THE SPIDER’S WEB See: HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND

THE SPIDER WOMAN See: SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE SPIDER WOMAN

SPIKE DRINK GANG (mai wan dong; mi hun dang) (1995 HK) D/W: BOSCO LAM P: LEE SIU-KEI A gang of criminals (led by an ex-cop) inject fruit juice with a drug, follow the women who drink it, then rape them and rob them when they pass out. This police investigation comedy is a complete waste of time. The director does have a cool name, though. With Lo Meng, Elvis Tsui and producer Lee.

SPILL (acid death; virus) (1996 CAN) D: ALLAN A. GOLDSTEIN W: LES STANDIFORD P: DAMIAN LEE Brian Bosworth stars as a secret service agent trying to save a national park from contamination after a truck loaded with dangerous chemicals crashes. Very boring. With Daniel Kash, Chuck Shamata and Phillip Jarrett.

THE SPIRAL (rasen) (1998 JPN) D/W: JOHJI IIDA P: TAKASHIGE ICHISE/SHINYA KAWAI This sequel to Hideo Tanaka’s hit version of RING is not very scary, but is a better adaption of Koji Suzuki’s second novel in the series than Tanaka’s was of the first. I won’t spoil things for viewers of the series, but suffice to say the virus has mutated and this entry is more involved and theoretical. Koichi Saito stars, with Hiroyuki Sanada, Miki Nakatane and Hinako Saeki. The third book in the series has yet to be translated, but there was an adaption of the fourth RING 0: BIRTHDAY.

SPIRAL (2000) See: UZU MAKI

THE SPIRAL STAIRCASE (1946 US) D: ROBERT SIODMAK W: MEL DINELLI P: DORE SCHARRY Mute servant girl Dorothy McGuire is in danger from a killer who does away with handicapped women in this first-rate b/w psychological chiller. Ethel Barrymore is particularly good as the bedridden lady of the house who knows more than people think. To say any more would spoil the excellent and utterly disarming ending. With George Brent, Rhonda Fleming, Elsa Lanchester, Rhys Williams, James Bell, Erville Alderson, Ellen Corby and Charles Wagenheim. It’s based on a novel by Ethel Lina White whose novels had already been adapted for THE LADY VANISHES and THE UNSEEN. Siodmak also made THE KILLERS the same year. Remade twice.

SPIRIT (shinrei) (1996 JPN) D: MASAYUKI MIYAKE D/W/P: JUNJI INGAWA Ingawa is a familiar face on Japanese television as the host of a real-life ghost encounter tv show. Here he introduces three poorly executed tales of terror. Ghosts of tortured prisoners haunt a clinic that used to be a military hospital. Surfers and swimmers are pulled under the water to their deaths. The third story is the best as a woman with child accepts a bet by attempting to steal a cursed statue’s head. Two sequels followed.

SPIRITED AWAY (sen to chihiro) (2001 JPN ANIMATED) D/W: HAYAO MIYAZAKI P: TOSHIO SUZUKI Arresting and brilliantly animated fantasy about a young girl who somehow gets lost after dark in an unknown part of the country and ends up working at a bizarre bathhouse/hotel for the gods. A print review does not do its boundless imagination justice. You may be reluctant to view (I was), but it’s highly entertaining. I liked the bouncing green head trio best (“Oi”). Some of Miyazaki’s earlier films (PRINCESS MONONOKE, CRIMSON PIG) received critical and commercial success abroad, but this one won the Best Animated Feature Oscar in 2003. That’s Bunta Sagawara as the voice of Kamajiri, by the way.

SPIRIT OF FIRE See: RAGING ANGELS

SPIRIT OF THE BEEHIVE (el espiritu de la colmena) (1973 SPN) D/W: VICTOR ERICE W: ANGEL FERNANDEZ SANTOS/FRANCISCOS QUEREJETA P: ELIAS QUEREJETA A lonely little girl (Ana Torrent) in a small Spanish village during WWII imagines that an escaped fugitive in the woods is actually Frankenstein’s monster (Karloff-look). This much-respected arthouse favourite is quite good, but a little slow and slight for exploitation fans. With Teresa Gimpera, Fernando Fernan Gomez, José Villavante and Laly Soldeville.

THE SPIRITUAL BOXER (naked fists of terror; san ckui; shen da) (1975 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW Wong Yu stars as a young troublemaking knockabout who tries to do good deeds on his travels. That is when he’s not possessed (or pretending to be possessed) by the monkey king. At least that’s what I think was going on in Liu Chia Liang’s directorial debut kung fu comedy. The worn bootleg print of this rarity had subtitles, but they drifted off the bottom of the screen. It’s not a great film, but some of the fight choreography is well worth seeing for genre completists. Ti Lung and Chen Kuan Tai are in the opening credit sequence only. With Fung Hak On.

THE SPIRITUAL BOXER PART 2 (the shadow boxing; maau saan geung shut kuen; mao shan jiang shi quan) (1979 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG W: I. KUANG P: RUN RUN SHAW/MONA FONG Magic Fist (Lau Kar Wing) is a “corpse herder” (he makes dead bodies hop in a group, useful to return deceased loved ones to their home town, in the days before mass transportation), with Wong Yu (the star) for an assistant. Villain Lee Hoi Sang and assistants Norman Chu and Wilson Tong (who choreographed the kung fu action, along with Liang) detain Wing for gambling debts, leaving Wong to lead the herd of corpses by himself (along with female friend Cecilia Wong). Liu Chia Hui poses as a corpse, and gives them trouble. The original hopping vampire movie doesn’t really get cooking until Hui owns up to not being dead and busts some moves. By then it’s a little too late. Ok, but far from Liang’s best (check out the same year’s DIRTY HO and MAD MONKEY KUNG FU if you really want to be blown away). With Wong Ching Ho, Shum Lo, Ouyang Shafei, Cheung Gok Chow, Lin Ke Ming, Peter Chan Lung, Cheung Kei, Lee Kling Chue and Johnny Cheung Wa.

THE SPIRITUALIST See: THE AMAZING MR. X

SPIRITUAL KUNG FU (karate bomber; karate ghostbuster; kuen cheng; quan jing) (1978 HK) D/P: LO WEI W: POON LUI Five weird-looking ghosts teach young Shaolin student Jackie Chan five animal kung fu styles so he can bring a thief who stole a document from the temple to justice. But first he must defeat the eighteen Lo Han pole formation fighters (with a couple of tonfas) to be granted leave from the temple. One of Wei’s better films, with some great fight choreography (courtesy of Chan) on display. With James Tien, Roy Chiao, Dean Shek, Lee Lwan, Lee Man Tai, Wong Kwong Yue, Wong Chung, Yuen Biao and Shih Ting Ken. It was filmed back to back with DRAGON FIST and the uncompleted JUST JACKIE.

SPIRITUAL REPORT: OCCULT SHOP FROM HELL (jigoku-do reikai tsushin) (1996 JPN) D: HIROYUKI NASU A trio of preteen ghostbusters defeat a spirit with a flying head. They decide to hunt more. Mostly dull, but may entertain undiscriminating younger kids. It’s based on a novel.

SPITFIRE (1994 US) D/W: ALBERT PYUN W: DAVID YORKIN/CHRISTOPHER BORKGREN P: GARY SCHMOELLER/TOM KARNOWSKI Lance Henriksen is a superspy whose gymnastic world champion daughter (along with comic relief journalist Tim Thomerson) is chased by evil agents looking for some launch codes. Pyun’s attempt at an international spy adventure really sucks (like most of his movies). An uncredited Brion James and Robert Patrick can be spotted. With Debra Jo Fondren, Sarah Douglas and Schmoeller. There’s a scene after the end credits.

SPLATTER (naked blood; megyaku: akuma no yorokobi) (1995 JPN) D: HISYASU SATO W: TAKETOSHI WATARI P: HIROHIKO SATO Sato is an interesting director who has made upward of 50 nihilistic sex movies since 1985. This is a great movie to start investigating his work (apparently it’s an extension of his earlier GENUINE RAPE from 1987, which I have not seen). A teenage boy genius sabotages his mother’s anti-pregnancy experiment by introducing his own endorphin called Myson into the test injections. Myson turns pain into pleasure. The three girls who end up it with it in their bloodstream become extreme masochists. The vain one pierces herself to death. Another deep fat fries her own hands and eats the fingers. Then she eats her own vagina lips with a knife and fork and proceeds to yank out her eyeball to the root. The boy befriends the third subject (Misa Aika), a chronic insomniac with a VR headset attached to a cactus in her room! A lot more happens in the short just-over-an-hour running time. You should see it for yourself. “Empty your mind, trust the cactus.”

SPLATTER HIGH See: SORORITY ROW

SPLATTERS ROCK See: ROCKTOBER BLOOD

SPLICE (2009 CAN FRA US) D/W: VINCENZO NATALI W: ANTOINETTE TERRY BRYANT/DOUG TAYLOR P: STEVEN HOBAN Groundbreaking biochemist couple Sarah Polley and Adrien Brody secretly grow a new life form (spliced from several different species) in a tank. It grows up to be a humanoid-look creature called Dren (Delphine Chanéac, who’s very good) which they don’t know how to treat. Child or experiment? It inevitably turns into a more familiar creature feature towards the end, but this is still an interesting attempt at doing something with genre material (like Natali’s forgotten CYPHER), and I enjoyed watching it. With Natali regular David Hewlett, and BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN references. Guillermo del Toro was an associate producer.

SPLINTER (2008 US) D: TOBY WILKINS W: IAN SHORR W/P: KAI BARRY P: TED KROEBER Nebbish Paulo Costanzo and Jill Wagner are a couple attempting to camp in the country. Career criminal Shea Whigham and his strung-out junky girlfriend take them hostage while hitch-hiking. They end up stranded at a rural gas station, stalked by an unexplained entity made up of rapidly growing spines/ spikes that assimilate its prey. So what starts as a dog slowly absorbs human bodyparts (not unlike John Carpenter’s THE THING). I like that the genesis of the creature is never explained, and this is a snappy (78 mins), fun, gory horror (with great FX) out of Oklahoma.

THE SPLIT (1959) See: THE MANSTER

THE SPLIT (1968 US) D: GORDON FLEMYNG W: ROBERT SABAROFF P: IRWIN WINKLER/ROBERT CHARTOFF Jim Brown puts together a crew to rob the cash deposit office of the LA Coliseum during a football game. Warren Oates, Donald Sutherland, Ernest Borgnine and Jack Klugman are all in for a cut. Julie Harris finances them. There are some surprises in this first-class adaption of “Richard Stark” (Donald E. Westlake)’s novel The Seventh. The cast, writing and direction all combine to form a cool crime movie that’s a pleasure to watch. With Gene Hackman as a cop, James Whitmore, Jackie Joseph, Diahann Carroll, Robert Foulk and Anne Randall.

SPLIT-EDGE OF SANITY See: EDGE OF SANITY

SPLIT SECOND (1953 US) D: DICK POWELL W: WILLIAM BOWERS/IRVING WALLACE/CHETSER ERSKINE P: EDMUND GRAINGER Escaped convict gangsters (Stephen McNally, Frank DeKova and Paul Kelly) hold people hostage in a Nevada ghost town used for atomic testing. This is a pretty good b/w hostage thriller until the ludicrous ending when they survive an atomic blast by hiding in a cave. Alexis Smith stars, with Jan Sterling, Arthur Hunnicutt, Richard Egan, Robert Paige and Fred Graham. Actor Powell made THE CONQUEROR as director next.

SPLIT SECOND (1991 UK) D: TONY MAYLAM/ IAN SHARP W: GARY SCOTT THOMPSON P: LAURA GREGORY Rutger Hauer stars as a tough, worldweary cigar-smoking cop in London 2008. He has a psychic link with some barely seen reptile monster that rips hearts out (Chris Walas provided the FX). Everything is too dark and misty and nothing much happens. Really boring stuff. With Kim Cattrall, Michael J. Pollard, Ian Dury, Pete Postlethwaite, Alun Armstrong and John Bennett. Maylam is most famous for horror fans for the superior slasher movie THE BURNING.

SPLIT SECOND (snuff; rendezvous mit dem teufel) (1999 GER) D/W: THOMAS BERGER W: BARBARA JAGO P: MOLLY VON FURSTENBERG/HARRY KUGLER A vicious serial rapist/killer targets a policewoman involved in the case in this dull police procedural thriller made for tv. The barely seen murderer wears a wetsuit and mask. With Heinz Hoenig, Jasmin Tabatabai, Felix Eitner, Johannes Silberschneider, Rüdiger Volger and Julia Jager. There was a sequel.

SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION (1989 US) D/W: TOBE HOOPER W: HOWARD GOLDBERG P: JIM ROGERS Brad Dourif stars as the neurotic troubled son of a couple who were used in H-bomb experiments in the 50s. He has special mental powers that can start fires. Lots of people are after him for various reasons and fire comes out of strange places (phones, mouths etc.). It’s an interesting idea that’s completely botched. With William Prince, Dick Butkus, John Landis, Dale Dye, Jon Cypher, André De Toth and George “Buck” Flower. Curiously, I remember reading that this is one of Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s favourites.

SPOOKIES (1984/86 US NETH) D/P: EUGENIE JOSEPH D/W/P: THOMAS DORAN/BRENDAN FAULKNER W/P: FRANK M. FAREL W: “JOSEPH” (ANN) BURGUND Doran, Faulkner and Farel made a movie in upstate New York whose working title was Twisted Souls. Executive producer Michael Lee hired Joseph as an editor. She hacked the three-hour workprint down to 40 mins (mostly of excellent FX scenes), and then (along with writer Burgund) shot additional footage to make sense of the story (didn’t work). What we’re left with is this: Two carloads full of young people (including a joker with a hand puppet) looking for a party (and one older guy in a suit and tie, as if someone’s dad tagged along) break into a big old house in a cemetery. They aren’t permitted to leave, they find a Ouija board and all sorts of monsters attack. These include a spider woman, zombies and farting mud men (!) that melt in wine (only on-screen for a few minutes, these memorable monsters were key to Vipco’s UK video release of the movie, “you can smell ’em coming”). The puzzling linking footage has some ancient dude trying to woo an uninterested bride in a coffin and playing chess with his wolfman-like geek who makes cat noises, wears a gold waistcoat, and buries a little kid alive for no good reason (and some hooded little kid). It’s worth watching for the original, cool FX scenes, and is overall an enjoyable oddity. Abel Ferrara regular Ken Kelsch shot some of it. Jim Muro was Steadicam operator (and his STREET TRASH cohort Jennifer Aspinall worked on the makeup). Jimmy McDonough (later of Andy Milligian bio The Ghastly One fame) was assistant sound editor (I wonder if he added the farting noises?). Richard Corben drew the original poster and video box art. Joseph also directed MIND BENDERS (1987).

SPOOKS RUN WILD (ghosts on the loose) (1941 US) D: PHIL ROSEN W: CARL FOREMAN/JACK HENLEY/ CHARLES R. MARION P: SAM KATZMAN The Bowery Boys end up at a retreat for underprivileged kids in upstate New York in this amusing b/w quickie from Monogram. A “monster killer” is on the loose. Could it be Nardo the magician (Bela Lugosi) who lives in the creepy house in the graveyard with his dwarf assistant (Angelo Rossitto)? There’s some good wisecracks and pleasing haunted house atmosphere in this late-night favourite. With Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Bobby Jordan, Ernest Morrison, Donald Haines, David Gorcey, Dave O’Brien, Dennis Moore and Guy Wilkerson. Not to be confused with the other series entry GHOSTS ON THE LOOSE.

SPOOK WARFARE See: BIG MONSTER WAR

THE SPOOK WHO SAT BY THE DOOR (black mission) (1973 US) D/P: IVAN DIXON W/P: SAM GREENLEE W: MELVIN CLAY When a presidential candidate needs the black vote to get elected, black candidates are tested for the position of first Negro CIA agent in Washington as a publicity stunt (“they do make good athletes”). None are supposed to pass, but the quiet, unassuming Lawrence Cook does. He sticks out being given all the crappy, menial jobs for years until he gains their trust, is no longer considered a threat, and transfers to Chicago as a social worker. There he assembles an organised, tactical street army made from militants and gangs and teaches them weapons, explosives, self-defence and revolutionary theory. It ends with riots across the country and the President declaring a state of emergency. This pretty radical, political black action movie is based on Greenlee’s novel and was actually prevented from playing Chicago by the Mayor! The location work is excellent and Herbie Hancock’s soundtrack is just as interesting as the film itself. With Paula Kelly (the first woman to go full-frontal in Playboy). Dixon had previously helmed TROUBLE MAN, another (more typical) underrated black action movie. Unfortunately, those were his only two theatrical features and he worked only in tv from then on.

SPOOKY ENCOUNTERS (encounters of the spooky kind 2; close encounters of the spooky kind 2; gwai aau gwai; gui yao gui) (1989 HK) D: RICKY LAU W: BARRY WONG P: SAMMO HUNG Not so much a sequel, more of a follow up with more ghosts, magic, martial arts, zombies, bugs and even a couple of mummies. Not quite the classic the original was, this is still a damn good fantasy that would keep anyone highly entertained. Sammo Hung returns, co-starring with Lam Ching Ying (who returned in Lau and Hung’s major hit MR. VAMPIRE). With Meng Hoi, Yip Wing Cho, Tam Sin Hung and Huang Hua.

SPOOKY SPOOKY (gwai maang geuk; gui meng jiao) (1988 HK) D/P: SAMMO HUNG W: SZETO CHEUK-HON P: LEONARD K.C. HO A female ghost (or “nix”) is up to no good in a small seaside town, pulling swimmers to their deaths and hassling the local constabulary. After endless scenes of less-than-hilarious comic bumbling, some cool supernatural shenanigans occur, but it’s too little too late to engage. With Alfred Cheung, Joyce Godenzi, Wu Ma, Anthony Chan, Chung Faat, Mars, Corey Yuen, Richard Ng, Billy Lau, Teddy Yip and a pathologist called Queency. One of the lowlights of Sammo’s behind-the-camera career.

THE SPREADING GROUND (child collector) (2000 CAN US) D: DEREK VANLINT W: MARK KATSUMI WAKAMURA/ROSS KORTE P: KEN NAKAMURA W/P: MARK BURMAN Little girls are being lured away, murdered and their bodyparts deposited in the sewers (and floating in people’s toilets). Dennis Hopper is the detached cop who investigates. Leslie Hope is his estranged daughter working as a press agent for the female mayor who doesn’t seem to care about anything but avoiding bad publicity. Racist Irish businessman gangsters hire Tom McCamus to off the killer before the police get to him. Whether you find this depressing or just dull, either way it’s not worth your time. With Frederic Forrest and Chuck Shamata. It was filmed in Toronto. I wonder if the dwarf/baby pickpocket scene was inspired by THE UNHOLY THREE?

SPRIGGAN (1998 JPN ANIMATED) D/W: HIROTSUGO KAWASAKI W: YASUTAKA ITTO P: BUNROU UEDA/KAZUHIKO IKEGUCHI Explorers in Turkey uncover Noah’s ark hidden in the mountains. An experimental psychic cyborg kid leads an evil army that want to use the ark to become godlike. Another experimental schoolboy is the most powerful leader of the good guys who try to stop them. The ark is a technological utopia in this film, capable of saving or destroying the world. This is a pretty boring ecoanime based on a (somewhat Lovecraft-inspired) manga by Takashige Chu and Ruiji Minagawa. Katsuhiro Otomo was an executive producer.

THE SPRING (1999 US) D/W: DAVID JACKSON W: J.B. WHITE/KATHLEEN ROSWELL P: JAMES CHORY Unimaginative tv movie adaption of Clifford Irving’s novel stars Kyle MacLachlan as a single parent on vacation with his son who discovers a small town where the residents stay young because of a magic water spring. Of course these outsiders are soon considered a threat to their way of life. With Alison Eastwood, George Eads and Aaron Pearl.

SPRING BREAK (1983 US) D/P: SEAN S. CUNNINGHAM W: DAVID SMILOW A couple of studious, sheltered types arrive in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, for a spring break, get really drunk and try to get laid. They room with a couple of wild party animals from Brooklyn and prevent their hotel from being shut down by an arsehole politician stepdad. Corinne Alphen from Penthouse leads a female rock group in a bar, there’s a wet t-shirt contest, and someone pisses on an alligator. None of this is very funny. With Nikki Fritz and Sheila Kennedy. Barbara De Fina was associate producer.

THE SPY DAD See: THE INCREDIBLE SPECIAL AGENT

SPYDER (midnight cop) (1988 US PHIL) D: JIM AVELLANA W: STEVE ROGERS A sugar mill tycoon is tricked by some ex-military villains into funding a covert rescue mission to ’nam by paying a black junky deserter to claim to have seen the guy’s MIA son. Before he can be killed, the junky escapes and calls his LA cop brother to come and help him. After they’re both shot up in a hotel, the cop’s partner Brad Spyder (whose police chief has a risible Irish accent) arrives in Hawaii (it was shot in the Philippines) to kick ass. Vic Diaz is the local angry corrupt chief “Samoan gorilla” with his hand in heroin dealing. This is the kind of dull, cheap, bonehead action movie in which characters seem to bring their guns in and out of the country with no trouble at security. Cirio H. Santiago was executive producer.

THE SPY IN THE GREEN HAT (1966 US) D: JOSEPH SARGENT/HENRY W. GEORGE W: PETER ALLAN FIELDS/SAM ROLFE/DAVID VICTOR P: BORIS INGSTER Villain Jack Palance uses a sonic weapon to change the course of the Gulf Stream while secret agents Robert Vaughn and David McCallum are out to stop him. Isn’t that the same as an episode (or two) of THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.? Yes, and here they are back to back in feature format. With Leo G. Carroll, Elisha Cook Jr., Maxie Rosenbloom, Janet Leigh, Allen Jenkins, Letítia Román (THE EVIL EYE), Joan Blondell, Frank Puglin, Vince Barnett, Jack La Rue and Eduardo Ciannelli.

SPY KILL See: OPERATION 7: WASHINGTON

SPY N (china strike force; lui ting chin ging; lei ting zhan jing) (2000 HK) D/W/P: STANLEY TONG W: STEVEN WHITNEY P: ANDRE E. MORGAN/BARBIE TUNG Bigoted loudmouth Coolio sells a large amount of coke to Mark Dacascos in China, even though Dacascos’ powerful old-fashioned crimelord uncle (Lau Siu Ming) forbids it. Japanese mega-idol Norika Fujiwara and Shanghai cop Aaron Kwok are out to stop them. Despite some impressive, outrageous Jackie Chan-style stunts (many performed by the actors themselves), this attempt at an international crossover (filmed in English) is not very successful. With Ken Lo, Ruby Lin, Paul Chun Pui and look for OPERATION SCORPIO star Won Jin.

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977 UK) D: LEWIS GILBERT W: CHRISTOPHER WOOD/RICHARD MAIBAUM P: ALBERT R. BROCCOLI 007 (Roger Moore) collaborates with Russian Agent XXX (Barbara Bach) to retrieve information (about the location of nuclear submarines) that’s being ransomed. Curd Jürgens is the villain and Richard Kiel is Jaws in this routine Bond adventure that most people remember for the underwater car. With Caroline Munro, Walter Gotell, Bernard Lee, Geoffrey Keen, Desmond Llewelyn, George Baker, Lois Maxwell, Vernon Dobtcheff, Valerie Leon, Sydney Tafler, Robert Brown, Cyril Shaps, Shane Rimmer and Garrick Hagon.

THE SQUEAKER (murder on diamond row) (1937 UK) D: WILLIAM K. HOWARD W: EDWARD BERKMAN P: ALEXANDER KORDA After some pearls are stolen, Scotland Yard make it a priority to catch the titular underworld figure, a silent, mysterious fence who rats on other thieves. Edmund Lowe (apparently reprising a stage role) is an alcoholic former detective given a chance to crack the case undercover. He gets a confession in the jarring final reel by intimidating the main suspect in a slightly macabre way, the only part that comes close to conveying the dark streaks of Edgar Wallace’s fiction (it’s based on one of his books, and son Bryan Edgar worked on the “scenario”). Otherwise it’s a passable but routine b/w crime caper (with a loud, excitable score from Miklós Rózsa, an early credit). Notable are German Tamara Desni as a beautiful (and rather good) nightclub singer and dancer, and Alastair Sim as a comic relief lazy newspaper reporter. With Sebastian Shaw, Ann Todd, Robert Newton, Allan Jeayes, Stewart Rome, Gordon McLeod, Syd Crossley, Alf Goddard, Danny Green, Fred Groves, Bill Shine, Ben Williams and an uncredited Michael Rennie as a medical examiner. Also available is a very different German adaptation from 1963. Other German versions were in 1931 and 1959 (for tv). An earlier British version (1930) was directed by Wallace himself (who passed away in ’32). Howard also directed a 1932 adaptation of SHERLOCK HOLMES.

SQUEAL (pigs: slaughter farm) (2008 US) D/W/P: TONY SWANSEY W/P: DENNIS DOORNBOS P: DAN KENJI LEVIN/JOHN LaFLAMBOY A bickering threeman band, a couple of groupies and their female manager get in the van for a gig eight hours away. After some stoner comedy, and local weirdo gas station stuff, they break down and are drawn towards some old, derelict lab. A pig-faced man, his pig-faced wife and “pigboy” (a dwarf with a pig face, and clown makeup) keep them locked in cages before killing them in their human meat charnel house. Awful low-budget gore movie almost won me over with its idiotic simplicity, that is, pig-faced monsters kill teens (with a brief, pathetic intro that hints at some medical experiment gone wrong as being the cause). But it was a chore. Shot around the Chicago area.

SQUIRM (1976 US) D/W: JEFF LIEBERMAN P: GEORGE MANASSE A storm causes power lines to fall in Georgia and the rainwater conducts electricity into the ground. This results in big bloodworms (with teeth) to become hostile and attack. They burrow into one guy’s face and thousands upon thousands turn up in the exciting climax (Rick Baker provides FX). This AIP release (Lieberman’s debut) is a classic of its kind, with great down-South atmosphere. Lieberman made BLUE SUNSHINE the same year.

S.S. CAMP 5: WOMEN’S HELL (s.s. lager 5: l’inferno delle donne) (1977 ITL) D/W: SERGIO GARRONE W: VINICIO MARINUCCI/TECLA ROMANELLI Girls at an SS death camp (including a main Jamaican beauty) towards the end of the war are either enlisted as prostitutes or have their flesh burnt to test new “miracle ointment”. Slow-going but better than average, and has real cruel scenes of women attempting to escape before being burnt in the ovens after all that effort. Best torture scene is when a tongue is yanked out with a pair of pliers. Real death camp footage is also utilised just to twist it even more. With Atillo Dotessio. Garrone’s tamer yet much more notorious S.S. EXPERIMENT CAMP was shot back to back with this.

S.S. CUTTHROATS See: THE CUT THROATS

S.S. EXPERIMENT CAMP (s.s. experiment love camp; s.s. experiments; captive women 2: orgies of the damned; women’s camp 23: the seeds of death; lager ss adis kastrat kommandantur) (1976 ITL) D/W: SERGIO GARRONE W: VINICIO MARINUCCI/SERGIO CHIUSI P: MARIO CAPORALI In one of the more infamous (it was an official “video nasty” in the UK) but tamer concentration camp exploitation titles, a small group of soldiers are ordered to fuck captured Jewish women as part of an experiment. The commandant demands a penis transplant operation (his was bitten off) in a not-as-fun-as-it-sounds subplot. The only scene that approaches delirious memorability is when a girl suspended in a tank of water is alternately boiled and then frozen alive. Filmed back to back with the notably more nasty, S.S. CAMP 5: WOMEN’S HELL.

S.S. EXPERIMENT CAMP 2 See: S.S. HELL CAMP

S.S. EXPERIMENT LOVE CAMP See: S.S. EXPERIMENT CAMP

S.S. EXPERIMENTS See: S.S. EXPERIMENT CAMP

S.S. HELL CAMP (horrifying experiments of the last days of the s.s.; the beast in heat; s.s. experiment camp 2; la bestia in calore) (1976 ITL) D/W: “IVAN KATANSKY” (LUIGI BATZELLA) P: XIRO PAPAS Macha Magall is the ILSA type SS scientist conducting experiments that involve torture and sexual stimulation. Fingernails are pulled off and a woman eaten alive by rats (guinea pigs) are some of the atrocities. But her trump card is a hormone-injected Neanderthal mutant (Sal Boris aka Salvatore Baccaro) kept in a cage. He’s given women to rape, and he even rips off their pubic hair and eats it in the film’s most infamous scene. Another women is shot in the vagina. These entertainingly sick scenes are unfortunately few and far between, though, the bulk of the movie concerning the Italian Resistance’s war on the Nazis. With Brad Harris, Alfredo Rizzo, Brigite Skay and Papas.

SST — DEATH FLIGHT (sst — disaster in the sky; death flight; flight of the maiden) (1977 US) D: DAVID LOWELL RICH W: ROBERT L. JOSEPH/ MEYER DOLINSKY/WILLIAM ROBERTS/GUERDON TRUEBLOOD P: RON ROTH An experimental new superfast passenger plan travelling from New York to France is sabotaged, so an all-star cast emotes. With Peter Graves, Susan Strasberg, Bert Convy, Misty Rowe, Lorne Greene, Billy Crystal, Regis Philbin, Burgess Meredith, Doug McClure, Tina Louise, Robert Reed, Martin Milner, Barbara Anderson, Season Hubley, George Maharis, Brock Peters, John De Lancie and Robert Ito. This tv disaster movie is really only for viewers who thought that four AIRPORT movies weren’t enough.

THE STABILIZER (1984 INDO) D: ARIZAL W: DEDDY ARMAND/JOHN RUST P: DHAMOD & GOBIND & RAAM PUNJABI A Stallone (in COBRA) clone goes up against a drug lord villain who’s kidnapped a scientist and kills with spiked shoes. This violent, action-packed nonsense has horrendous dubbing, lizard eating and plenty more for bad movie fans to enjoy. Troma released it. The director also made SPECIAL SILENCERS.

STAB IN THE DARK See: SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE 3

STACEY! (stacey and her gangbusters) (1971 US) D/W/P: ANDY SIDARIS W: WILLIAM EDGAR W/P: LEON MIRELL A wheelchair-bound old lady doesn’t know which of her hateful, crooked relatives deserves her inheritance. Enter sexy private eye (and real-life Playboy centrefold) Anne Randall to investigate. The original Sidaris tits‘n’guns movie (with more emphasis on the latter) is nothing special, but more substantial than his later 80s and 90s fillers. With Anitra Ford, Christina Raines and Marjorie Bennett. Sidaris later remade it as MALIBU EXPRESS. But first he made SEVEN.

STACY: ATTACK OF THE SCHOOLGIRL ZOMBIES (2001 JPN) D: NAOYUKI TOMAMATSU W: CHISATO OOGAWARA P: HIROMITSU SUZUKI/NAOKATSU IKO All over the world teenage girls between the ages of 15 and 17 are suddenly dropping dead after a period of “Near Death Happiness”. They return as zombies. A special ops squad literally shoots schoolgirls to bits and then burn barrels full of the gore. A scientist (novelist Yastaka Tsutsui) experiments on the living dead in sailor uniforms. A soon-to-bedead schoolgirl (Natsuki Kato) befriends a lonely puppeteer (Toshinori Omi) who documents her story for posterity. This black gore comedy based on a book by singer Kenji Ootsuki (who appears briefly) is different from your usual fanboy stuff, but its ironic mix of guts and romantic sentiment is too tongue-in-cheek and lacks soul. Ultimately rather irritating. The only part that made me laugh was when dismembered bodyparts are put out for a separate trash collection day. With manga writer Shungiku Uchida, Hayashi Tomoka, Hinako Saeki, Yukijiro Hotaru and chainsaw weapons called “Bruce Campbell’s right arm”.

STAG (13) (1997 US) D: GAVIN WILDING W: PAT BERMEL/EVAN TAYLOR/JASON SCHOMBING P: JOHN DUNNING/MICHAEL PASEORNER Ten men party on an executive’s stag night. A stripper accidentally dies when things get out of control and everyone argues while trying to figure out what to do. Andrew McCarthy is the old acquaintance drugdealer with horrible teeth and Mario Van Peebles is a lawyer. Kevin Dillon is a Gulf War veteran. Basically a stage play on film, it’s static and disjointed but not bad of its type. With William McNamara, John Stockwell, Jerry Stiller and Ben Gazzara. The idea was later copied, made more cinematic and turned into the great, savage black comedy VERY BAD THINGS.

STAGEFRIGHT (aquarius; bloody bird; sound stage massacre; deliria) (1987 ITL) D: MICHELE SOAVI W: LUIGI MONTEFIORE P: ARISTIDE MASSACCESI A psychotic asylum runaway disguises himself as an owl-masked actor in a murder musical stage production. A drill and a chainsaw are used to kill off the unlikeable cast. It’s not very good, but on a par with Argento’s overrated OPERA from the same year. With “John Morghen” (Giovanni Lombardo Radice from many Fulci films), Mickey Knox and Soavi. Montefiore (most famous for being ANTHROPOPHAGUS for Massaccesi) later got to direct the awful METAMORPHOSIS.

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN See: A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH

STAKE LAND (2010 US) D/W: JIM MICKLE W: NICK DAMICI P: LARRY FESSENDIN/PETER PHOK/BRENT KUNKLE/ADAM FOLK/DEREK CURL Survivors of a plague that turned most into strong, ghoulish vampires travel through a post-apocalyptic South to “New Eden”. Young Connor Paolo narrates, and the older Mister (Damici) keeps him alive. Derivative in the extreme, but good and violent, probably the best cinematic descendant of Richard Matheson’s I Am Legend (it’s not an official adaptation) since the classic LAST MAN ON EARTH (although not that good, of course). With Kelly McGillis, HALLOWEEN franchise veteran Danielle Harris and Michael Cerveri (from the FRINGE tv series) as a religious cult leader.

THE STALLS OF BARCHESTER (1971 UK) D/W/P: LAWRENCE GORDON CLARK Throughout the 70s, the BBC commissioned a one-off Ghost Story For Christmas teleplay each year (except 79), mostly by Clark, and mostly based on the writings of M.R. James (following, and no doubt inspired by, the extraordinary WHISTLE AND I’ll COME TO YOU). This nicely ambiguous 45 mins tale was the first. An archivist (Clive Swift) tries to piece together the circumstances surrounding the mysterious death of a 19th century Archdeacon of Barchester Cathedral (Robert Hardy) by trawling through library ledgers and dusty old tomes (the irresistible, musty thrill of the dark secrets to be found in forgotten antiquity pitched just right for a James adaptation, methinks). Creepy and blackly comic, a low-key treat indeed. With Thelma (“I don’t really know, Rita”) Barlow. The following year Gordon returned with A WARNING TO THE CURIOUS.

THE STAND (stephen king’s…) (1994 US) D: MICK GARRIS W: STEPHEN KING P: MARSHALL GALIN Apart from the very good opening sequence this real long, pretentious and boring miniseries is one of the worst King adaptations I’ve had the misfortune to sit through. After a deadly flu virus wipes out America, the few survivors follow either a denim-clad longhaired Devil (Jamey Sheridan) in Vegas, or righteous old woman Ruby Dee (who claims to know the will of God). The six-hour double video seems like forever, but tv viewers sat through 8 hours (poor bastards) on its original four-part run. Gary Sinise is top-billed, with Rob Lowe, Molly Ringwald, Laura San Giacomo, Miguel Ferrer, Matt Frewer, Corin Nemec, Shawnee Smith, Ray Walston, Ossie Davis, Ed Harris, Diane Ladd, Moses Gunn, Joe Bob Briggs, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Sam Raimi, Kathy Bates, John Landis, Tom Savini, Ken Jenkins, Jim Haynie, Tom Holland, Dan Martin and King himself. The Steve Johnson FX are not bad, but are used in a laughable way. Amazingly, this was a hit. So what do I know? There’s also a short MAKING OF… for masochists. George A. Romero (THE CRAZIES) almost made this.

STAND ALONE (1984 US) D: ALAN BEATTIE W: ROY CARLSON P: LEON WILLIAMS Charles Durning is a WWII veteran who defends his home against drugdealers in this boring vigilante movie. Durning is not a good action star. With Pam Grier, James Keach, Bert Remsen and Thomas Rosales Jr.

STAND BY ME (1986 US) D: ROB REINER W/P: BRUCE A. EVANS/RAYNOLD GIDEON P: ANDREW SCHEINMAN Reiner directed this fine nostalgia movie and Stephen King adaption (it’s based on his novella The Body) four years before MISERY. Richard Dreyfuss is a grown-up novelist writing about a childhood experience in the 50s. Wil Wheaton is the 12-year-old Dreyfuss, and River Phoenix, Corey Feldman and Jerry O’Connell are his friends. They go and find a kid’s dead body in the woods one summer and Ben E. King’s wonderful title song is heard. With Kiefer Sutherland, Casey Siemaszko, Marshall Bell, John Cusack and Dick Durock.

STANDOFF (1997 US) D/W: ANDREW CHAPMAN P: DAN STONE/LISA ZIMBLE Cops and FBI agents (including psychotic redneck Keith Carradine) are pinned down in a Texas farmhouse by gunfire from a religious cult. Natasha Henstridge is a runaway from the cult hiding out with them. Sleep-inducing thriller (with a particularly silly use of music at the end). With Paul Ben-Victor and Dennis Haysbert.

STARCRASH (the adventures of stella star; scontri stellari oltre la 3a dimensione) (1978 ITL US) D/W: “LEWIS COATES” (LUIGI COZZI) W/P: NAT WACHSBERGER P: PATRICK WACHSBERGER You’ve gotta love STARCRASH! A stupid and fun STAR WARS cashin starring Caroline Munro (Stella Star) and Marjoe Gotner (Akton, some kind of psychic) as a couple of renegade space drifters ordered by the Emperor of the Galaxy (a very serious Christopher Plummer) to prevent the evil caped Count Zarth Arn (Joe Spinnell having a lot of fun, but dubbed by someone else) from ruling the empire. That’s Munro’s real-life husband Judd Hamilton as the clunky comic relief robot (with the voice of Hamilton Camp). David Hasselhoff even helps out (under too much eyeshadow). Robert Tessier makes a welcome appearance as Thor, and keep an eye out for Salvatore Baccaro (from S.S. HELL CAMP) as one of the Neanderthal men. The score is by John Barry! Cozzi followed with more classics that George Lucas could only dream of making, like CONTAMINATION and HERCULES with Lou Ferrigno.

STAR CRYSTAL 2 See: THE SURVIVOR

THE STARFIGHTERS (1964 US) D/W/P: WILL ZENS Robert Dornan (later to become a congressman) stars in this very dull movie about Air Force training. I think there was a vague wisp of a plot in there somewhere, but this is mostly (pretty good) footage of planes refuelling and flying about to lounge music. And lots of talk.

STAR FIRE See: SOLAR CRISIS

STAR FORCE: FUGITIVE ALIEN 2 (1978 JPN) D: MINORU KANAYA/KIYOSUMI KUZAKAWA W: KEIICHI ABE/BUNKOU WAKABUKI The second of two very boring features culled from the Japanese tv series STARWOLF and released in the US by Sandy Frank in 1986. The regular cast of the sci-fi series included star Tatsuya Azumi, Jo Shishido and Miyuki Tanigawa. The plot involves some kind of alien superweapon. Both sleep-inducing “features” have been on MST3K.

STARGATE (1994 US FRA) D/W: ROLAND EMMERICH W/P: DEAN DEVLIN P: OLIVER EBERLE/JOEL B. MICHAELS James Spader is an Egyptologist who’s asked to decipher symbols on a recently discovered 10,000-year-old “stargate”. When decoded it acts as a gateway to a parallel dimension where a desert city defends itself from ruthless, intelligent aliens (who built the pyramids). Apparently they are slaves brought there from other worlds through the stargate. Of course this potentially fascinating premise is only basically explored in a big-budget Hollywood movie, but it’s enjoyable enough sci-fi action and was a hit. Jaye Davidson (from THE CRYING GAME) is the alien leader Ra, and Kurt Russell is the military expedition commander with a buzz cut. With John Diehl, Erick Avari, French Stewart, Derek Webster, Richard Kind and John Rhys-Davies. Emmerich and Diehl returned with the even more successful INDEPENDENCE DAY, and a later tv series was Stargate SG-1.

STAR HUNTER (1995 US) D: COLE McKAY/“SHERMAN SCOTT” (FRED OLEN RAY) W: R.J. ROBERTSON/M.B. DICK/MARK LITTON P: RAIMOND REYNOLDS/PETER STEWART Even with two directors and three screenwriters on the payroll, this Royal Oaks production is stupid, ridiculous, cut-rate and pathetic. A minibus load of loser football players and cheerleaders (and their teacher Rebecca Budig) get lost on their way home at night “in the hood”. They can’t escape because an invisible barrier has been generated by an alien tracker who’s after an escapee from a space prison colony. The tracker uses a robot (Olen Ray in a suit) and a blind Roddy McDowall helps. Stoner characters get “possessed” and there are cartoonish cop characters. With Stella Stevens, Steve Barkett and Hoke Howell. Gary Graver was the photographer and “Noble Henry” (Jim Wynorski) was in charge of casting. Codirector McKay is also a busy stuntman.

STAR KNIGHT (the knight of the dragon; el caballero del dragon) (1985 SPN) D/W/P: FERNANDO COLOMO W: ANDEU MARTIN/MIGUEL ANGEL NIETO When princess Marie Lamour runs away and seems to drown in a lake, the villagers think it is a dragon’s doing. Harvey Keitel looks very out of place as a headstrong idiot knight out to slay the beast. But the mysterious flying object seen at night is in fact a flying saucer, and the princess has actually fallen in love with an alien. Klaus Kinski (dubbed by someone else) is the alien’s alchemist friend, and Fernando Rey is a priest. I like the idea of a spaceship confusing medieval folk and the oddball cast is intriguing. But it took me a while to work out that this is a comedy, because it’s pretty unfunny. With Julieta Serrano, Paco Catalina, Ricardo Palacios and Colomo in a bit-part.

STARMAN (1984 US) D: JOHN CARPENTER W: BRUCE A. EVANS/RAYNOLD GIDEON/DEAN RIESNER (uncredited) P: LARRY J. FRANCO Sentimental romantic sci-fi drama has an alien arriving in Wisconsin and assuming the identity of Karen Allen’s dead husband (Jeff Bridges). He gives her a baby, brings a dead deer back to life, and develops a taste for apple pie before going home in a mothership. Nice Charles Martin Smith and nasty Richard Jaeckel are government agents who track him. With M.C. Gainey, Buck Flower, David Wells, Mickey Jones and Carpenter. Stan Winston, Rick Baker, Dick Smith and ILM worked on the FX, but there aren’t many. Michael Douglas was an executive producer. Robert Hays starred in a not-very-popular tv series spin-off in 1986.

STAR ODYSSEY (metallica; captive planet; sette uomini d’oro nello spazio) (1978 ITL) D/W: “AL BRADLY” (ALFONSO BRESCIA) W: “EDWARD GENTRY” (GIACOMO MAZZOCCHI)/”BILL ROBERTSON” (MASSIMO LOSACONO) The Earth is sold at a space auction attended by aliens in weirdlooking monster masks and makeup. The new owner is a tyrant who sends “androids” (men in matching silver suits and platinum blond wigs!) to take humans from around the world prisoners. Escaped prisoner Gianni Garko (from hit Eurowesterns) uses his psychic powers of telekinesis and persuasion to aid a scientist, his daughter (Malisa Longo), a soldier with an overmasculine posture called Hollywood, and two very silly duckbilled lovesick comic relief robots fight back. Cheap and nonsensical STAR WARS-inspired crap (note sabre-like swords) would be fun Eurotrash if it weren’t an overlong 103 mins. With Roberto Dell’Aqua, Nello Pazzafini, Franco Ressel and Silvano Tranquili.

STAR OF DAVID: BEAUTY HUNTING (beautiful girl hunter; beauty hunting; descent; david no hoshi: bishoujo-gari) (1979 JPN) D: NORIFUMI SUZUKI W: JIKU YAMATOYA Based on Masaaki Sato’s adult manga (which also became an animated series), this excellent SM sex thriller concerns Shun Domon as a child of rape who grows up to torture women in his underground chamber with his demented father Bunta Sagawara. However, the storytelling is a lot more intricate than that, and this remains one of the best pink eigas ever made. With pop singer Asami Ogawa, Natsuko Yashiro and Hiromi Hano. It’s pretty sexy and very tense. From the director of SEIJU GAKUEN and some Sonny Chiba vehicles.

THE STAR PACKER (he wore a star) (1934 US) D/W: ROBERT N. BRADBURY P: PAUL MALVERN Lone star made a number of quickie b/w westerns starring John Wayne in the 1930s; this is one of the most well known nowadays because it was in the (excellent) Forgotten Horrors book. Although it’s unlikely to convert the uninitiated, fans of vintage “weird westerns” will probably enjoy the tale of a mysterious criminal figure “the shadow”, who gives orders through a secret panel in a wall. There’s also a tunnel that leads to a sniper’s nest in a hollowed-out tree trunk! Wayne is the new sheriff who solves the mystery with the help of his Indian sidekick (Yakima Canutt). With George “Gabby” Hayes, Billy Franey, Earl Dwire, Eddie Parker, Artie Ortego, Glenn Strange, Thomas G. Lingham, Frank Ball, George Cleveland, Tex Palmer and some impressive stunt work.

STARQUEST 2 See: MIND BREAKERS

STAR ROCK See: THE APPLE

STARSHIP INVASIONS (alien encounter; project genocide; war of the aliens) (1977 CAN) D/W/P: ED HUNT P: NORMAN GLICK/KEN GORD Aliens in human form (mostly) with wide shoulder pads kidnap humans for study. However, bad alien Christopher Lee points a suicide ray (!?!) at the Earth, causing people to kill themselves (and commit crime, I think). Good aliens enlist the help of UFO researcher Robert Vaughn to help stop Lee (who never moves his mouth, but his voice can be heard telepathically). It’s pretty stupid. With Helen Shaver, Daniel Pilon and Sean McCann. Hunt made the Cronenberg-inspired PLAGUE next.

STARSHIP TROOPERS (uchu no senshi) (1989 JPN ANIMATED) D: TETSURO AMINO P: HIRONORI NAKAGAWA/ MINORU TAKANASHI Before Paul Verhoeven’s action sci-fi classic came this poor animated version of Robert A. Heinlein’s story of the Earth under attack from bug aliens. It’s more concerned with friendship and drama than action or sci-fi.

STARSHIP TROOPERS (1997 US) D/W: PAUL VERHOEVEN W: ED NEUMIER P: JON DAVISON/ALAN MARSHALL This very impressive killer alien bugs vs Earth sci-fi was less than a critical success and flopped at the box office, but will be remembered in years to come as a classic of its kind. It also provided Michael Ironside with a great role in a major release. Based on Robert Heinlein’s cult novel, it’s an extremely intelligent (and satirical) look at how a society must be in order to survive a war of this magnitude. Detractors who objected to the film’s “fascistic” outlook obviously completely missed the point. But more importantly, there’s so much amazing FX and edge-of-your-seat action and suspense that you’d have to be already dead to not enjoy! Casper Van Dien stars, with Dina Meyer, Denise Richards, Jake Busey, Neil Patrick Harris, Clancy Brown, Seth Gilliam, Patrick Muldoon, Marshall Bell, Rue McClanahan, Anthony Ruivivar, Dean Norris, Gerald Ford’s son Steve, Amy Smart, Dale Dye, Kai Lennox, Parry Shen and Neumier. Some of these actors are perfect for their cartoonish, insect-food roles. Join today! ROUGHNECKS was an animated tv series spin-off, and there were cheaper direct-to-video live action sequels (2 was threadbare and crappy, 3 was quite good fun).

STARSKY AND HUTCH (1975 US) D: BARRY SHEAR W: WILLIAM BLINN P: JOSEPH T. NAAR Here’s the (surprisingly good) pilot for executive producer Aaron Spelling’s hit tv series about a cop duo (played by David Soul and Paul Michael Glaser) who drive a really cool car and hang out with Huggy Bear (Antonio Fargas) while fighting crime. Richard Lynch is one of two hired assassins who may be after them. With Michael Lerner and Douglas Fowley. Shear’s previous credits include WILD IN THE STREETS and ACROSS 110th STREET. Glaser went on to direct episodes of the 80s Starsky and Hutch equivalent MIAMI VICE and the features BAND OF THE HAND and THE RUNNING MAN.

STARSKY AND HUTCH (2003 US) D/W: TODD PHILLIPS W: SCOTT ARMSTRONG/JOHN O’BRIEN/STEVIE LONG P: WILLIAM BLINN/STUART CORNFELD/AKIVA GOLDSMAN/TONY LUDWIG/ALAN RICHE Executive producer Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are 70s Bay City cops Starsky and Hutch in this retro, comedic remake with gags about fashion, hairstyles and disco. Vince Vaughn is the mobster villain selling cocaine with no scent. Juliette Lewis has little to do as his mistress. Snoop Dogg’s Huggy Bear is the same as his BONES. As well as the expected Stiller/ Wilson shtick, there are some good laughs that make it worthwhile if you’re in the mood. I enjoyed seeing Fred Williamson as the angry precinct captain. With Will Ferrell, Chris Penn, Jason Bateman, Carmen Electra, Amy Smart, George Cheung, Brande Roderick, Molly Sims, Matt Walsh, Patton Oswalt, Richard Edson, Terry Crews, Judah Friedlander, The Bishop Don Magic Juan and a silly, ill-fitting cameo from original stars Paul Michael Glaser and David Soul.

STAR SLAMMER (prison ship: the adventures of taura) (1984 US) D/W/P: FRED OLEN RAY W: MICHAEL D. SONYE/MIRIAM L. PREISSEL P: JACK H. HARRIS A space prison is the setting for this pathetic “anything goes” sci-fi women-in-prison spoof where the cast seem to be having more fun than you will have watching it. At least the cast is interesting: Ross Hagen, Aldo Ray, John Carradine (old footage), Johnny Legend, Bobbie Bresee, Dawn Wildsmith, Eric Caidin and Robert Tinnell. Everything looks secondhand, including the spaceship, the DEADLY SPAWN monster and DARK STAR footage. He got away with it at this early stage, but after many more years of this fanboy crap I think people lost all respect for the sometimes talented Ray.

STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (1979 US) D: ROBERT WISE W: HAROLD LIVINGSTON/ALAN DEAN FOSTER/WILLIAM SHATNER/LEONARD NIMOY W/P: GENE RODDENBERRY The old crew from the original 1966-69 series reunite in a new, modernised Enterprise to intercept an energy source that engulfs everything in its path (en route to Earth). The climax turns up some interesting ideas, but this near-threehour movie (that’s the tv and video version that contains extra footage) goes on way too long and could have done with more editing. With William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, James Doohan, George Takei, DeForest Kelley, Walter Koenig, Majel Barrett, Nichelle Nichols and Persis Khambatta.

STAR TREK 2: THE WRATH OF KAHN (1982 US) D/W: NICHOLAS MEYER W: JACK B. SOWARDS/ HARVE BENNETT P: ROBERT SALLIN Shatner, Nimoy, Kelley, Doohan, Koenig, Takei and Nichols return for this weak, talky sequel for fans only. Genesis is a new science project designed to breathe life into barren planets, and Kirk’s old enemy Kahn (Ricardo Montalban) wants to get his hands on it. With Paul Winfield, Kirstie Alley as a Vulcan, and Bibi Besch. Some slug-like parasites that crawl into people’s heads are ok, but used sparingly. Spock dies at the end, but predictably resurfaces in part 3.

STAR TREK 3: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK (1984 US) D/W: LEONARD NIMOY W/P: HARVE BENNETT Nimoy directs this overlong and talky entry. Spock’s corpse has landed on a planet that’s been designated the testing area for the Genesis project, which will bring life to dead land and will also resurrect the dead Vulcan. Kirk and crew go against Federation rules to put Spock’s memory (now in McCoy’s head) back into his brain. Christopher Lloyd is a Klingon warlord. Spot the young Miguel Ferrer. With John Larroquette, Branscombe Richmond, Judith Anderson and James Sikking.

STAR TREK 4: THE VOYAGE HOME (1986 US) D/W: LEONARD NIMOY W: STEVE MEERSON/ PETER KRIKES/NICHOLAS MEYER W/P: HARVE BENNETT Terrible (but very successful) message movie sequel has the crew of the Enterprise travelling back to 20th century San Francisco in a junker ship to save whales. There’s lots of (unfunny) comedy. With the regulars plus Brock Peters, Michael Berryman and Majel Barrett.

STAR TREK 5: THE FINAL FRONTIER (1989 US) D/W: WILLIAM SHATNER W: DAVID LOUGHERY W/P: HARVE BENNETT Kirk himself helms this bore as the regular geriatrics in space rescue some fucking galactic ambassadors in danger or some fucking crap like that. To be honest, I forgot what happened five mins after it ended, and paying attention was a major chore in the first place. Even TREK fans didn’t like this one. With David Warner and George Murdock.

STAR TREK 6: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY (1991 US) D/W: NICHOLAS MEYER W: DENNY MARTIN FLINN/LAWRENCE KONNER/LEONARD NIMOY/MARK ROSENTHAL P: RALPH WINTER/ STEVEN-CHARLES JAFFE When the Klingon moon explodes the Klingon race has a limited amount of oxygen to survive, so a peace treaty is attempted. Klingon Ambassador David Warner is assassinated, and Shatner and Kelley are set up as scapegoats and sentenced at a Klingon trial to hard labour. With Nimoy (an executive producer), Koenig, Takei, Nichols, Kim Cattrall as a Vulcan, Christopher Plummer, Brock Peters, Kurtwood Smith, Iman, René Auberjonois, Christian Slater, Michael Dorn, Grace Lee Whitney, Leon Russom, Robert Easton, William Morgan Sheppard, John Bloom and Matthias Hues. It’s dedicated to Gene Roddenberry who died during production. Meyer had also directed part 2.

STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT (1996 US) D: JONATHAN FRAKES W: BRANNON BRAGA/RONALD D. MOORE W/P: RICK BERMAN Next Generation second in command Frakes helmed this, the first all-TNG feature. And it’s awfully dull. The plot revolves around the genesis of warp drive and finding its creator (James Cromwell). I’m no fan of STAR TREK but appreciate its more often than not respectful handling of sci-fi, but this one plays about with time travel and doesn’t even consider the consequences. Very poor. With Patrick Stewart, Brent Spiner, LeVar Burton, Michael Dorn, Gates McFadden, Marina Sirtis, Alfre Woodard, Alice Krige, Neal McDonough, Robert Picardo, Adam Scott and Braga. STAR TREK: INSURRECTION was next.

STAR TREK: GENERATIONS (1994 US) D: DAVID CARSON W: RONALD D. MOORE/BRANNON BRAGA W/P: RICK BERMAN The seventh movie is the first to revolve around Next Generation characters. But Kirk, Scotty and Chekov turn up as well. Malcolm McDowell is an alien in league with evil Klingons. He wants to enter Nexus, a heavenly time warp that’s just an excuse for William Shatner to be on-screen with Patrick Stewart’s Picard. Walter Koenig and James Doohan only make token appearances at the beginning. With Jonathan Frakes, LeVar Burton, Denise Crosby, Michael Dorn, Marina Sirtis, Whoopi Goldberg, Alan Ruck, Brian Thompson as a Klingon, Brent Spiner, Gates McFadden and Glenn Morshower.

STAR TREK: INSURRECTION (1998 US) D: JONATHAN FRAKES W: MICHAEL PILLER W/P: RICK BERMAN In the ninth STAR TREK feature film, the TNG crew save the inhabitants of a small planet from villains F. Murray Abraham (under lots of latex) and Anthony Zerbe. They want the planet for its powers of regeneration. With Stewart, Spiner, Burton, Dorn, McFadden, Sirtis, Donna Murphy, Gregg Henry, Daniel Hugh Kelly, Michael Welch, Stephanie Niznik, Rick Worthy and Jennifer Tung. It’s better than FIRST CONTACT, but that’s not saying much. STAR TREK: NEMESIS was the next into theatres.

STAR TREK: NEMESIS (2002 US) D: STUART BAIRD W: JOHN LOGAN/BRENT SPINER W/P: RICK BERMAN The regulars turn up for yet another dead horse flogging, this time something to do with an evil clone of Picard’s earlier self. There’s another Data, too, so it’s doubly annoying. With Tom Hardy, Ron Perlman, Dina Meyer, Kate Mulgrew (from STAR TREK: VOYAGER), Bryan Singer, Wil Wheaton and Whoopi Goldberg. A much more welcome STAR TREK reboot (with an all-new cast) came out in 2009.

STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION: ENCOUNTER AT FARPOINT (1987 US) D: COREY ALLEN W: D.C. FONTANA P: EDWARD K. MILKIS (uncredited) Feature pilot for the not particularly interesting (to me anyway) second STAR TREK show has series regulars Jonathan Frakes, LeVar Burton, Denise Crosby, Michael Dorn, Marina Sirtis, Brent Spiner and Gates McFadden battling arch-enemy Q (John De Lancie). With Wil Wheaton, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Colm Meaney, Chuck Hicks, Phil Fondacaro and a cameo from DeForest Kelley. It was followed by other spinoff TREK series, but must hold some sort of record for the amount of pseudo-scientific babble spoken in each show.

STAR TRUCKERS See: SPACE TRUCKERS

STAR WOLF See: FUGITIVE ALIEN and STAR FORCE: FUGITIVE ALIEN 2

A STATE OF SHOCK See: COBRA MISSION

THE STATUTORY AFFAIR See: TWINKY

STAUNTON HILL (madness hill) (2009 US) D: CAMERON ROMERO W: DAVID ROUNTREE P: CHRISTOFER LOMBARDO In 1969, youngsters en route to the riots in DC stop at a farmhouse in Virginia and get slaughtered by a redneck trio (fat momma, her wheelchair-bound mother and a big retard son). Pretty well made, with especially good, grisly non-CGI gore FX, but meandering and boring, and the surprise ending is not much of a surprise. Rountree (also a co-producer) has a major part. The director is George A. Romero’s son (there is a nod to NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD).

STAYIN’ ALIVE See: FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE

STAYING ALIVE (1977) See: FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE

STEAL (riders; extreme inconduite) (2002 FRA UK CAN) D/W: GERARD PIRES W: MARK EZRA P: ERIC ALTMEYER/NICOLAS ALTMEYER/JASON PIETTE/ CLAUDE LEGER/MICHAEL LIONELLO COWAN This POINT BREAK-inspired action movie opens with Stephen Dorff and his small crew of fashionable young thieves pulling off a bank heist and escaping on rollerblades. Unknown to them, they also pinched some bonds belonging to gangster/preacher Steven Berkoff. Corrupt detective Bruce Payne is also causing problems for the protagonist thieves, while cop Natasha Henstridge gets in close. Berkoff and Payne are both amusingly bad, overacting with terrible Southern drawls, but it’s not enough to make this worth your time. It was filmed in Quebec by the director of the hit TAXI. With Karen Cliche, Alain Goulem, Tom McCamus, Benz Antoine, Frank Fontaine and Richard Jutras.

STEAM HEAT See: THE IMMORAL MR. TEAS

STEEL (1997 US) D/W: KENNETH JOHNSON P: QUINCY JONES/DAVID SALZMAN/JOEL SIMON Tall pro basketball player Shaquille O’Neal is John Henry Irons, a nice guy weapons designer in the army who quits after his sonic cannon cripples his best friend (wheelchair-bound Annabeth Gish) thanks to ambitious villain Judd Nelson (who smirks a lot). In LA, O’Neal becomes a steel armour-clad hero on a motorbike with a big hammer/sonic gun after Nelson supplies a street gang with superweapons to rob banks. Gish and Richard Roundtree (who makes a SHAFT reference and says, “I’ll be dipped in shit and rolled in breadcrumbs”) help him via video and transistor from their junkyard HQ. Everyone hated this light and good-natured teen-appeal superhero movie when it came out, and at the time of writing it’s the 30th worst film ever (!) according to IMDb voters. It is corny and dumb, but it’s not that bad. With Irma P. Hall, Ray J, Hill Harper, John Hawkes, Tim De Zarn and Eric Pierpoint and Gary Graham (stars of Johnson’s ALIEN NATION tv movies) and Charles Napier as a military heavy.

STEEL DAWN (1987 US) D/P: LANCE HOOL W: DOUG LEFLER P: CONRAD HOOL In this post-nuke update of SHANE, Patrick Swayze helps a widow (his real-life wife Lisa Niemi) on a farm try to irrigate the land in a desert world (it was filmed in Namibia) where water is scarce. She has a little kid in peril, of course (he rides around in a stupid-looking wind-powered car). Anthony Zerbe is the main villain who hires Christopher Neame to clash swords with Swayze. With Brion James, John Fujioka, Arnold Vosloo, and an opening scene that copies SHOGUN ASSASSIN. It’s interesting to note how cheap and minimal this major release looks nowadays; it looks no grander than a cheap Italian knock-off, and is much less entertaining. Hool also directed Chuck Norris in MISSING IN ACTION II.

THE STEEL HELMET (1951 US) D/W/P: SAMUEL FULLER Believable, extremely well-written Korean War drama from real-life veteran Fuller. Gene Evans stars as the head of a squadron hiding out inside a Buddhist temple. With Robert Hutton, Steve Brodie, Richard Loo and Sid Melton. Action fans beware, it is all talk. In b/w.

STEELE JUSTICE (1987 US) D/W: ROBERT BORIS P: JOHN STRONG Nam vet Martin Kove is out for revenge after corrupt politician and drug lord (and former South Vietnamese army general) Soon-Tek Oh has his best friend’s entire family slaughtered. Generic and tiresome action flick. With Ronny Cox, Bernie Casey, Joseph Campanella, Sarah Douglas and Shannon Tweed.

STEEL JUSTICE (1992 US) D/W: CHRISTOPHER CROWE W: JOHN HILL P: STEPHEN LOVEJOY A clichéd traumatised cop in an overcrowded city of the future has flashbacks of his son’s death, mixed with visions of an eternal wise man. Bad action movie eventually arrives at a memorably pathetic conclusion as he somehow conjures up a giant, fire-breathing version of the kid’s favourite toy Robosaurus. The big clunky metal dino just rolls around knocking into things as his clawed arms move up and down a bit! With Roy Brocksmith as an arms dealer, Joan Chen, Season Hubley, John Finn, Jacob Vargas and a dwarf on a tricycle. Crowe wrote some of NIGHTMARES.

STEEL SHARKS (1996 US) D/W: RODNEY McDONALD W: WILLIAM C. MARTEL P: ASHOK AMRITRAJ/ ANDREW STEVENS A Navy Seal rescue team (including hero after a fashion Billy Warlock) is captured by Iraqi terrorists and held hostage aboard a submarine. They attempt to escape while another sub (commanded by Gary Busey) engages the enemy. Formulaic anti-terrorist action from Royal Oaks Entertainment. With Billy Dee Williams as an admiral and Tim Abell.

STEEL SHARKS 2 See: RAPID ASSAULT

STELLA STAR See: STARCRASH

THE STENDHAL SYNDROME (la sindrome di stendhal) (1996 ITL) D/W/P: DARIO ARGENTO W: FRANCO FERRINI P: GIUSEPPE COLOMBO Argento fans and detractors both seem to agree that this is a ridiculous, terrible mess. Asia Argento is a police inspector investigating a psychotic rapist and murderer (Thomas Kretschmann) in Florence. She has a rare condition which causes her to faint when she sees, or drift into, beautiful old paintings. She develops temporary amnesia after one such experience, and the story unfolds through a confusing series of hallucinations and flashbacks. There’s some typically show-off camera shots (some utilising computer FX), but it’s all wasted on an unengaging, sometimes laughable thriller that’s too convoluted for its own good. It’s based on a novel by Graziella Magherini, and Luigi Cozzi was the second unit director. With Luigi Diberti, Paolo Bonacelli and Franco Diogene.

THE STEPFATHER (w) (1987 US) D: JOSEPH RUBEN W: DONALD E. WESTLAKE/BRIAN GARFIELD/ CAROLYN LEFCOURT P: JAY BENSON Terry O’Quinn is very good as a pleasant-seeming traditional type who finds family values very important. As a result, the closet psycho slaughters his wife and kids when they don’t make the grade and moves on to another town and another family. Jill Schoelen co-stars as his new stepdaughter who sees through him. With Shelley Hack (new wife), Stephen E. Miller, Blu Mankuma, Gillian Barber, Gabrielle Rose and Don MacKay. It’s a good horror thriller which explores the real-life anxiety of kids having new parents very well, and probably hit some viewers a lot harder than others. Westlake is usually recognised for his crime stories. Two sequels followed, and a remake in 2009 (all not as good).

STEPFATHER II: MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY (1989 US) D: JEFF BURR W: JOHN AVERBACH P: DARIN SCOTT/WILLIAM BURR Terry O’Quinn escapes from a mental institution by killing his therapist, and soon steals his identity, making a move on divorced single mom Meg Foster (Jonathan Brandis is her son). A step down from the original, with a story implausible in several ways, this is still an ok sequel, and pretty entertaining all the way through.

STEPFATHER III (1991 US) D/W/P: GUY MAGAR W: MARC RAY P: PAUL MOEN The titular character visits an underground surgeon for plastic surgery this time, and returns as a different (younger!) actor who spouts wisecracks while killing. Priscilla Barnes (and Season Hubley) are his new suburban singlemom targets. This silly made-for-cable sequel is standard slasher nonsense (with some gore), having little in common with the first two. It’s ok entertainment, but overlong and not for fans of the original. With Jay Acovone, Brenda Strong, Adam Wylie and a kid-in-a-wheelchair sleuth.

THE STEPFORD CHILDREN (1987 US) D: ALAN J. LEVI W: WILLIAM BLEICH I don’t think I need to explain the concept of this boring tv movie sequel to THE STEPFORD WIVES and REVENGE OF THE STEPFORD WIVES. With Barbara Eden, Don Murray, Richard Anderson, Ken Swofford, Pat Corley, John Cameron Mitchell, Judith Baldwin and Dick Butkus. DISTURBING BEHAVIOUR later used the same idea, and don’t forget THE STEPFORD HUSBANDS.

THE STEPFORD WIVES (1975 US) D: BRYAN FORBES W: WILLIAM GOLDMAN P: EDGAR J. SCHERICK Ira Levin wrote the story that ROSEMARY’S BABY was based on, and this, too. While this is no classic as that was, it is a solid sci-fi horror with similarly paranoid Levin themes (more in the vein of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS). Katharine Ross is the new housewife in a small town where everything seems perfect, especially the obedient, kitchen-slave moms (like neighbour Nanette Newman, who would later take her role to tv for cleaning detergent ads). But where does that mysterious ambulance take them when they collapse and what for? Pretty creepy. With Patrick O’Neal, Tina Louise, Paula Prentiss, William Prince, Judith Baldwin, George Coe, Josef Summer, Mary Stuart Masterson, John Aprea, Kenneth McMillan, Dee Wallace-Stone and Emma Forbes. REVENGE OF THE STEPFORD WIVES was the first sequel.

THE STEPFORD WIVES (2004 US) D: FRANK OZ W: PAUL RUDNICK P: DONALD DE LINE/GABRIEL GRUNFELD/SCOTT RUDIN/EDGAR J. SCHERICK Surprisingly ok (and nothing more) comedic remake stars Nicole Kidman as a once successful reality tv specialist network executive with husband Matthew Broderick. Christopher Walken (who narrates an amusing animated sequence) and Glenn Close are the town’s representative couple, and controversial novelist Bette Midler and gay David Marshall Grant are the other ill-fitting residents. With Jon Lovitz, Faith Hill, Matt Mallory, Larry King and screenwriter Mike White. The “satire” is laid on with a trowel, but despite that a watchable romp.

STEPHEN KING’S… (Please refer to the respective titles without the Stephen King prefix, i.e. STEPHEN KING’S SILVER BULLET is reviewed under SILVER BULLET.)

STEPPENWOLF (il lupo della steppa) (1974 US SWITZ) D/W: FRED HAINES P: MELVIN FISHMAN/ RICHARD HERLAND Hermann Hesse’s controversial and influential autobiographical novel was filmed in Switzerland and Hamburg starring Max von Sydow as the confused, frustrated, suicidal and ageing rebel who undergoes a personal revolution in his late-40s. There’s no way that the picture could live up to the novel’s reputation, but Van Sydow is good, and there are some bizarre animation scenes. With Dominique Sanda, Pierre Clementi, Charles Régnler and Eduard Linkers.

STEREO (1969 CAN) D/W/P: DAVID CRONENBERG After TRANSFER and FROM THE DRAIN, student Cronenberg made this b/w 63 mins feature (he also photographed and edited). Set in the “Canadian Academy for Erotic Inquiry”, it has some interesting ideas that Cronenberg later expanded on (in particular for SCANNERS), but is a deadly dull series of static or minimal-movement shots accompanied by a monotone voice-over. CRIMES OF THE FUTURE was next.

STIGMATA (1991) See: CINEMA OF TRANSGRESSION

STIGMATA (1999 US) D: RUPERT WAINWRIGHT W: TOM LAZARUS/RICK RAMAGE P: FRANK MANCUSO JR. Patricia Arquette is an atheist hairdresser in Pittsburgh who experiences visions and the wounds of the stigmata after her mother sends her a rosary that belonged to an ex-communicated stigmatic in Brazil. Gabriel Byrne is a priest and scientist working for the Vatican who investigates miracles. Scenes of Arquette possessed may remind you of THE EXORCIST, but this very good “horror” movie comes from a very different point of view and has nothing to do with demonic possession (which the trailers tried to fool you into thinking). The Vatican conspiracy theories are very plausible. With Jonathan Pryce as a cardinal with secrets, Nia Long, Rade Serbedzija, Enrico Colantoni and Ann Cusack.

STILL SMOKIN’ See: CHEECH AND CHONG STILL SMOKIN’

STING OF DEATH (1965 US) D: WILLIAM GREFE W: AL DEMPSEY P: JOSEPH FINK/JUAN HIDALGO GATO A whole bunch of college students turn up at a professor’s estate in the Florida Everglades (the same one as in FROGS?). Here they can party and twist to the music of Neil Sedaka (who sings The Jellyfish Song). But their constant teasing of the scarred lovesick lab assistant Egon can only lead to one thing. A man (Doug Hobart of DEATH CURSE OF TARTU fame) in a diving suit with a big inflated plastic bag over his head, and stinging tentacles with which to paralyse! I think the bag is supposed to represent a jellyfish but I was so busy rolling around with laughter that I’m not sure. And let’s not forget the army of smaller plastic bag jellyfishes. As you may have gathered, this one is essential viewing.

STING OF THE DRAGON MASTERS See: WHEN TAE KWONDO STRIKES

STINGRAY 2 See: MAD FOXES

STIR OF ECHOES (1999 US) D/W: DAVID KOEPP P: GAVIN POLONE/JUDY HOFFLUND After being hypnotised, Kevin Bacon finds himself very open to hallucinations and can see ghosts and violent images from the past. His little kid can see them as well, so wife Kathryn Erbe has to keep the family together while Bacon seems to go off his hinges to solve a disturbing mystery. Set in a working class Chicago community, this adaption of Richard Matheson’s novel is surprisingly good. It’s no classic and sometimes seems derivative, but it’s pretty gripping throughout and the cast is excellent. With Illeana Douglas, Kevin Dunn, Conor O’Farrell, Liza Weil, Lusia Strus and Jennifer Morrison. STIR OF ECHOES: THE HOMECOMING was a pretty much unrelated, but rather interesting (and very sombre and serious) dtv follow up in 2007.

STONE (1974 AUSL) D/W/P: SANDY HARBUTT W: MICHAEL ROBINSON When a political candidate is assassinated, a tripped-out member of The Gravediggers biker gang witnesses the sniper at work. From then on the gang becomes a target for a professional killer as they’re picked off one-by-one in a variety of ways (including the SHE DEVILS ON WHEELS trick involving wire stretched across the road). Ken Shorter stars as Stone, a cop who becomes part of the gang so he can catch the killer. Decent, fast-paced biker movie is only crippled by too much of a cult following. Go in with high expectations and you may be disappointed. Director Harbutt plays the gang’s leader undertaker, with Hugh Keays-Byrne, Bill Hunter and an ending straight out of Hunter S. Thompson’s Hell’s Angels.

STONE COLD (1991 US) D: CRAIG R. BAXLEY W: WALTER DONIGER P: YORAM BEN AMI Brian Bosworth stars as a cop who goes undercover in “the brotherhood” biker gang (led by Lance Henriksen) for the FBI. The gang (including William Forsythe as Ice) has been killing priests and judges and deals in drugs and weapons. There’s some good action and stunts in the violent ending, Forsythe (who calls the muscly blond Bosworth “a grown-up version of Bam Bam”) has a good death and funeral scene. Henriksen says that his father’s last words were “Don’t, son, that gun is loaded!”. With Sam McMurray, Richard Gant and Gregory Scott Cummins. Charlie Sheen starred in the similar FIXING THE SHADOW the following year.

STONE COLD ‘98 See: BACK IN BUSINESS

STONEHENGE APOCALYPSE (grand cross: revolution) (2010 CAN US) D/W: PAUL ZILLER W: BRAD ABRAHAM P: JOHN PRINCE Stonehenge is moving around, and creating a powerful electromagnetic shield. Other locations connected by power lines (i.e. the Yucatán pyramid in Mexico) are also acting up, causing eruptions and earth tremors. Hill Harper leads some cultists looking forward to the end of the world in a protective pyramid that’s unearthed itself in Maine. It seems that Stonehenge is a sophisticated prehistoric device that’s resetting the Earth for a new species. In other words, apocalypse (just like the great title says)! Misha Collins stars as an underground radio conspiracy show host hero, while military general Michael Kopsa is set to nuke everything. Let me be clear, this silly Cinetel/ Syfy production with poor CGI is rubbish, but with its mixture of poor production values and somewhat interesting pseudo-scientific sub-Nigel Kneale sci-fi ideas, it put me in mind of BBC telefantasy of the 70s, and the nostalgic buzz that gave me made it an easy, almost enjoyable watch. But you see it at your own risk.

THE STONE TAPE (1972 UK) D: PETER SASDY W: NIGEL KNEALE P: INNES LLOYD A team of electronics experts assemble a lab in an old mansion to try to crack some kind of new sound-recording technology and beat the “Japs”. They find a very old room haunted by at least one ghost. Some Brit tv ghost story enthusiasts overdo the praise, but this quite effective Kneale story comes into its own while exploring the theory that the stone walls are encrypted with memories that playback depending on each individual’s perception. With Jane Asher and James Cosmo.

STOP DRIVING US CRAZY (1961 US ANIMATED) D: MEL EMDE W: WILLIAM BERNAL Here’s a crazed colour 10 mins classroom ed cartoon about safe driving from the Methodist church. A blobby Martian spy called Rusty can’t believe how bad humans drive their cars. The Ten Commandments are reinterpreted as driver safety instructions while almost abstract bad animation is backed by jazz. This must have confused hundreds of kids when it was new.

STOP MAKING SENSE (1984 US) D: JONATHAN DEMME P: GARY GOETZMAN Concert documentary captures Talking Heads at the height of their fame in a show especially staged and choreographed for this film. The group may be a little too art school for some, but they do play some great, infectious numbers, and David Byrne is an energetic showman. He starts the set alone doing Psycho Killer with just an acoustic guitar and a beatbox. The rest of the band join him one-by-one for each number as the roadies set up the instruments. It was filmed over a series of nights and seamlessly edited together (although some overdubs are noticeable if you choose to go looking). Overall it deserves its reputation as one of the finest rock movies. Video and dvd versions have three additional tunes that didn’t go theatrical.

THE STORM (1990) See: SKIPPER BLOODY ATLANTIC

STORM (storm trackers; hurricane chaser) (1999 US) D/W: HARRIS DONE W: PATRICK PHILLIPS/DIANE FINE W/P: PHILLIP ROTH P: KEN OLANDT/JEFFREY BEACH Ultra-boring is a good way to describe this sleep-inducing thriller about meteorologist Luke Perry discovering that Martin Sheen is creating dangerous hurricanes that kill just to study thier patterns. With Renée Estevez and Marc McClure.

STORM CATCHER (1999 US) D: ANTHONY HICKOX W: ED MASTERSON/BILL GUCWA P: TRACEE STANLEY/“NOBLE HENRY” (JIM WYNORSKI) Dolph Lundgren is a stealth fighter pilot wrongly accused of stealing a plane for a secret military terrorist group (or something like that, I had trouble staying awake) in this dull and overlong, talky action movie. With Robert Miano and Hickox.

STORMING ATTACKS See: IMAGE OF BRUCE LEE

STORM OF THE CENTURY (stephen king’s…) (1998 US CAN) D: CRAIG R. BAXLEY W: STEPHEN KING P: THOMAS H. BRODEX Colm Feore is a mysterious stranger who arrives on a small island in Maine during a big storm. He seems to have the power to make people commit suicide and murder. “Give me what I want and I’ll go away,” he proclaims in scrawled messages. This miniseries is slow, nonsensical and pointless, so don’t even start to get intrigued, it won’t pay off. Tim Daly stars and narrates, with Debrah Farentino, Casey Siemaszko, Jeffrey DeMunn, Julianne Nicholson, Dyllan Christopher, Adam LeFevre, Peter MacNeill, Jack Jessop, Richard Blackburn, David Ferry, Michael Copeman, Victor Ertmanis, Richard Fitzpatrick, Michael Rhoades and King.

STORM PLANET See: THE PLANET OF STORMS

THE STORM RIDERS (fung wan hung ba tin gwong; feng yun xiong ba tian xia) (1998 HK) D: ANDREW LAU W/P: MANFRED WONG P: RAYMOND CHOW/ JOHN LIU Sonny Chiba is the main villain in this immensely popular action fantasy. Aaron Kwok and Ekin Cheng are two of his students who were kidnapped from their parents at an early age due to significant martial arts (and magical) powers that will help Chiba rule the world (or something like that). Based on a novel by Ma Wing Ching (as was a 1988 animated series), it’s loaded with impressive CGI-enhanced FX that revolutionised the HK film industry (and, to a certain extent, the world film industry). But if you like real movies as opposed to glitzy, overlong computer game trailers, then I suggest you forget the hype and give it a miss. With Shu Qi, Anthony Wong with a very large fake beard, Kristy Yang, Michael Tse, Elvis Tsui, Ronggyuang Yu, Roy Cheung, Alex Fong, Lai Yiu-Cheung and Lee Siu-Kei. This review refers to the full-length 2-hour plus version. A US dubbed cut is missing over thirty minutes.

STORM TRACKERS See: STORM

STORY IN TEMPLE RED LILY (feng shiu hung lin chi; huo shao gong lian si) (1979 HK) D: LIAO CHIAGLIN W: “LA TAO TE” (GAI MING?) P: HOH GWOK KEUNG/WONG MING Very confusing martial arts historical drama has a plot that has something to do with a prince hiding from a villainous lama who’s trying to take over title temple (I think!). The original Chinese title is the same as that of Ringo Lam’s later BURNING PARADISE, and this does contain a few scenes in a cave filled with traps. Some renegade monks brandish those big bells on chains that were in THE EAGLE KING. There’s a very big eagle, too. Topbilled Judy Lee and Tan Tao Liang aren’t in it much. I guess the star is Tung Li. With Lung Fei, Kao Yuen, Su Chen Ping, Yee Yuen, Ching Kuo Chung and Cho Kin. May have elements of interest for genre fanatics and completists. Music from PSYCHO is used.

STORY OF A JUNKIE (gringo) (1985 US) D/P: LECH KOWALSKI Troma released this with a more exploitative, commercial ad campaign (“Gringo ain’t shooting insulin”) that disguises an incredible, authentic semi-documentary look at the life of a heroin addict skater on the streets of mid-80s NYC. Ii short, it’s one of the very best films of the 1980s, and you should check it out. Gringo died not long after it was released.

THE STORY OF DRUNKEN MASTER (1979 HK) D/W: NGAI HOI-FUNG D: WU PANG W: LEUNG CHO P: SIU CHIU-YAM Uneven DRUNKEN MASTER (1978) cash-in has (Simon) Yuen Siu-Tin reprising his Sam the Seed role (again), this time training Casanova Wong and the impressive Sharon Yeung (seen performing a boring plate spinning routine for a long time-twice!). Training scenes include kicking coconuts off bamboo poles and a surreal scene in which many eggs appear to be floating. Largely a bore, it does pick up with impressive fight action in the final reel, but you ain’t missing much if you skip it. With Fung Ging-Man, San Kuai, Yen Shi-Kwan, Johnny Cheung Wa, Dean Shek and Cheung Chok-Chow. Beware an English-dubbed print called DRUNKEN FIST BOXING. It includes several scenes of Jackie Chan in DRUNKEN MASTER and attempts a tenuous link with that classic (“10 years later…”). It’s also severely cropped to cut out the original theatrical subtitles, and only runs 74 mins including the stolen footage (this Goldig release should run 88). But worst of all they cut out Dean Shek! Blasphemy!! director Ngai once directed a genuine Chan flick that became MASTER WITH CRACKED FINGERS. Other director Wu was a veteran of the HUANG FEI HONG (or WONG FEI HUNG) series from the late-40s through to the early 60s. This was his penultimate directing gig (his last was the comedy LUCKIEST TRIO the following year).

STORY OF FONG SAI YUK See: SECRET OF THE SHAOLIN POLES

THE STORY OF LINDA See: CAPTIVE WOMEN

STORY OF RICKY See: RIKI-OH

STORY OF THE BAMBOO HUNTER See: PRIN CESS FROM THE MOON

STORY OF THE DRAGON See: BRUCE LEE SECRET

STRAIGHT ON TILL MORNING (dressed for death; the victim; ’til dawn us do part) (1972 UK) D: PETER COLLINSON W: MICHAEL PEACOCK P: MICHAEL CARRERAS Rita Tushingham leaves her mother’s home in Liverpool to look for a husband and father in London. The childish woman (who writes her own fairy tales) gets hurt by the casual sex of her peers, before stealing a dog as an excuse to meet its owner (an odd yet charming Shane Briant). He turns out to be a serial killer of “beautiful” women, with a drawer full of stolen money. An effective psychological horror with some disturbing scenes. It doesn’t really go anywhere, but is a worthwhile meditation on alienation, and is extremely well acted by the two leads. Not what you’d expect from Hammer. With James Bolam, Tom Bell and Paul Brooke. Director Collinson is most famous for THE ITALIAN JOB.

STRAIGHT SHOOTER (1999 GER) D/W: THOMAS BOHN P: JOSEPH VILSMAIER Dennis Hopper is an ex-soldier hired to help catch his survivalist sniper protégé-turned-terrorist in this slow-moving, generic thriller without even a Hopper freak-out scene or anything to recommend it. With Heino Ferch, Katja Flint, Hannelore Hoger, Ulrich Mühe, Jürgen Schornagel, Jochen Senf and Bohn. It was filmed in Germany and London.

THE STRAIGHT STORY (1999 US UK FRA) D: DAVID LYNCH W: JOHN ROACH W/P: MARY SWEENEY P: NEAL EDELSTEIN Typically odd yet surprisingly light and uncontroversial material forms the basis for this (excellent) Lynch movie. Richard Farnsworth is top-notch as a dying old man who drives a lawnmower 300 miles to see his estranged brother (who turns out to be Harry Dean Stanton). A brilliantly crafted work of art. With Sissy Spacek (also excellent) and Everett McGill. Based on a true story.

STRAIGHT TIME (1978 US) D: ULU GROSBARD W: JEFFREY BOAM/EDDIE BUNKER/ALVIN SARGENT/ MICHAEL MANN (uncredited)/NANCY DOWD (uncredited) P: STANLEY BECK/TIM ZINNEMANN/ DUSTIN HOFFMAN (uncredited) Real-life ex-con Eddie Bunker wrote his novel No Beast So Fierce while still in San Quentin. Hoffman visited him there and got him to work on a screenplay based on it. Hoffman even planned to direct himself, but decided just to star, and handed the reins over to the Belgian Grosbard. The result is one of the best, and certainly the most realistic crime movies of the 70s. Basically, Hoffman plays an ex-con trying his best, but finding it very hard to go straight on the outside. His main problem is a parole officer played by M. Emmet Walsh in one of his first major, and finest roles. The great cast also includes Gary Busey, Theresa Russell, Harry Dean Stanton, Kathy Bates, David Kelly and Bunker himself. Look for little Jake Busey.

STRAIGHT TO HELL (1987 UK) D/W: ALEX COX W: DICK RUDE P: ERIC FELLNER After the excellent REPO MAN and SID AND NANCY, Cox made this awful self-indulgent mess in Spain. Apparently it’s a spaghetti western spoof, but looks more like someone else’s expensive home movies. Sy Richardson, Joe Strummer, Rude and Courtney Love star, with Dennis Hopper, Grace Jones, Elvis Costello, Jim Jarmusch, Ellen Barkin, Ed Tudor-Pole, Xander Berkeley, Kathy Burke, Miguel Sandoval, Biff Yeager, Shane MacGowan and The Pogues, Zander Schloss and Fox Harris. This and his next movie (the much more interesting WALKER) helped pretty much exile Cox from Hollywood.

STRAIT-JACKET (1964 US) D/P: WILLIAM CASTLE W: ROBERT BLOCH Is ex-mental patient Joan Crawford decapitating people with a big axe? Check out this wonderful piece of overbaked b/w schlock for yourself to find out. With Diane Baker, Leif Erickson, George Kennedy, Rochelle Hudson and an ucredited Lee Majors in his debut. This prime slice of Castle ghoulishness adopted the “keep repeating… it’s only a movie” advertising slogan from COLOR ME BLOOD RED, later made famous when LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT also used it.

STRANGE ADVENTURE See: CUT AND RUN

THE STRANGE ADVENTURES OF JONATHAN HARKER See: VAMPYROS LESBOS

STRANGE BEHAVIOUR See: DEAD KIDS

STRANGE CIRCUS (kimyo no circus) (2005 JPN) D/W: SION SONO P: TOSHIE TOMITA/TOSHIHIRO SATO Are crazed author Masumi Miyazaki’s bestselling books about incest, abusive sex and perverse weirdness autobiographical? Find out in this fuckedup little movie from the director of SUICIDE CIRCLE, which involves identity switching, self-mutilation, madness and inventive use of a cello case. Go into it expecting an extended and extremely stylised sick joke and you may enjoy; try to take it seriously, though, and you may be disappointed. It was Miyazaki (XX: BEAUTIFUL WEAPON)’s first major role in years. Issei Ishida co-stars, and Tomoroh Taguchi is given a memorable part. With Aayaka and Mai Takahashi. The ending overexplains itself, destroying the nicely enigmatic mood, but this is more or less recommended of its type.

STRANGE HOLIDAY (1942 US) D/W: ARCH OBOLER P: A.W. HACKEL/EDWARD FINNEY In this typically interesting and ahead-of-its-time b/w political fantasy from Oboler (based on his radio play), Claude Rains is a businessman who returns from a fishing trip in the country to find America has become a dictatorship. Originally made as an anti-Nazi flick for General Motors employees (at about 40 mins), it was later reedited with expanded footage and changed into an anti-Communist feature for MGM and then finally released in 46 by PRC. The hour-long result is sometimes a mess, but endlessly fascinating. With Milton Kibbee, Wally Maher, Charles McAvoy, Griff Barrett, Paul Dubov and Albert Bassermann.

STRANGE JOURNEY See: FANTASTIC VOYAGE

THE STRANGE LOVE EXORCIST See: PIGS

STRANGE LOVES OF DR. SEX See: DR. SEX

STRANGE OBSESSION See: THE WITCH

THE STRANGER (1962) See: I HATE YOUR GUTS!

STRANGER (1995) See: NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS

THE STRANGER AND THE GUNFIGHTER (blood money; el karate, el colt y el impostor; long hu zou tian ya; moneda sangriesta; la dove non batte il sole) (1974 ITL SPN HK) D/W: “ANTHONY DAWSON” (ANOTNIO MARGHERITI) W: BARTH JULES SUSSMAN P: GUSTAVE M. BERNE Lee Van Cleef is the gunfighter who teams up with kung fu fighting Lo Lieh (annoying sound FX abound when he leaps in the air) in this comic western. A treasure map is tattooed on women’s asses (an idea copied a few times since). It’s not very good but it’s nice to see veterans Cleef and Lieh together. With Erika Blank, Femi Benussi, Bernabé Bartas Barri, Manuel de Blas, Ricardo Palacios and Georges Rigaud. Run Run Shaw was an executive producer.

THE STRANGER FROM AFAR See: MAREBITO

STRANGER IN HONG KONG See: MASTER WITH CRACKED FINGERS

STRANGER IN THE HOUSE See: BLACK CHRISTMAS

STRANGER ON THE THIRD FLOOR (1940 US) D: BORIS INGSTER W: FRANK PARTOS/NATHANAEL WEST P: LEE S. MARCUS New York reporter John McGuire is the star witness at a murder trial. His testimony sends the chief suspect (Elisha Cook Jr.) to prison, but when his neighbour is killed and McGuire becomes a suspect himself he must find the real killer (top-billed Peter Lorre). This hour-long b/w programmer is ok, but has gained a reputation over the years for being “the original film noir”. It’s not a good example of that genre, though. With Charles Waldron, Charles Halton, Ethel Griffies, Cliff Clark, Oscar O’Shea, Alec Craig, Otto Hoffman, Bobby Barber, Harry Bradley, Lynton Brent, Jack Cheatham, Ray Cooke, Robert Dudley, William Edmunds, Jim Farley, Betty Farrington, John Harmon, Dell Henderson, Max Hoffman Jr., Gladden James, Charles Judels, Jane Keckley, Donald Kerr, Paul McVey, Bruce Mitchell, Frank O’Connor, Broderick O’Farrell, Bud Osborne, Emory Parnell, Lee Phelps, Henry Roquemore, Ralph Sanford, Herb Vigran and Frank Yaconelli.

STRANGERS See: ALIEN 2

STRANGERS ON A TRAIN (1951 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: RAYMOND CHANDLER/ CZENZI ORMONDE/BEN HECHT (uncredited) Hitchcock’s notorious much-copied classic is still top-drawer entertainment as psychotic Robert Walker imagines a murder “exchange” with tennis ace Farley Granger (watch for the great scene where everyone but Walker is watching a tennis match). The carousel ending is also a highlight. With Ruth Roman, Leo G. Carroll, Jonathan Hale, Norma Varden, Murray Alper, Brooks Benedict, Al Bridge, John Butler, Leonard Carey, Edward Clark, John Daheim, John Doucette, Roy Engel, Herbert Evans, Franklyn Farnum, Sam Flint, Al Hill, Edward Hearn, Edna Holland, Mike Lally, Perc Launders, Charles Marsh and Charles Meredith. The director is seen carrying a bass on a bus. The screenplay (people often overlook who it was written by) is based on a novel by Patricia Highsmith. ONCE YOU KISS A STRANGER (1969) was the first official remake.

THE STRANGER WITHIN (1990 US) D: TOM HOLLAND W: JOHN PIELMEIER P: PAULETTE BREEN Teenage Ricky Schroeder turns up on Kate Jackson’s doorstep and claims to be her long-lost son. Or is he just a little psycho? Chris Sarandon is the suspicious boyfriend in this well-acted, above average tv thriller. From the occasionally interesting director of FRIGHT NIGHT and CHILD’S PLAY.

STRANGE THINGS HAPPEN AT NIGHT See: THE SHIVER OF THE VAMPIRES

STRANGE TURF See: VOODOO DAWN

STRANGE WORLD OF COFFIN JOE (the strange world of ze do caixao; o estranho mundo ze do caixao) (1968 BRZ) D/W/P: JOSÉ MOJICA MARINS W: RUBENS FRANCISCO LUCHETTI P: JORGE MICHEL SAKEIS This b/w anthology of horror is split into three very different parts. In The Dollmaker a bunch of crooks intend to rob an old doll-maker of his cash and rape his daughters. But they end up donating their eyes. Some gory severed heads are in this short, enjoyable segment that’s the most accessible for fans of more regular horror. Then Marins delves deeper with Obsession, surely the earliest example of overtly depicted necrophilia. Marins turns up as Zé do Caixão (aka Coffin Joe) for the final, most disturbing segment, Theory. He invites a fellow tv discussion show guest (and his wife) to his house to show proof of his theory that there is no “love”. Marins first shows the couple some people fucking and hurting each other in SM games. When the disgusted guests try to flee, Marins’ zombie slaves stop them and they’re forced to watch a “burlesque” show (more torture). Suddenly the zombies invade the stage and start eating someone alive. The flesh eating is much more graphic and disgusting than in the same year’s NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. A chained-up blonde has acid thrown in her face. Eventually the couple end up in separate cages as Marins proves his point. It all ends with a cannibal feast intercut with spiders, frogs and snakes and some explosions. There’s nothing quite like it, and it’s a good introduction to the world of the ahead-of-his-time José Mojica Marins (who also provided the effective music).

THE STRANGE WORLD OF PLANET X (cosmic monsters) (1957 UK) D: GILBERT GUNN W: JOE AMBOR/ PAUL RYDER P: GEORGE MAYNARD An alien (Martin Benson) warns scientist Forrest Tucker and his assistant Gaby Andre that experiments in magnetism run by their single-minded employer have resulted in a hole in the ionosphere above the sleepy English village where they work, resulting in cosmic rays that mutate insect life. Some brief, menacing stop-motion spiderish monsters will make it worthwhile for creature feature fans willing to sit through the rest of this talky b/w sci-fi from Eros (who later made the better THE TROLLENBERG TERROR with American Tucker). With Dandy Nichols. It’s based on Rene Ray’s novel, which had already been a tv series with the same title.

THE STRANGLER (1964 US) D: BURT TOPPER W: BILL S. BALLINGER P: SAMUEL BISCHOFF/DAVID DIAMOND Victor Buono (y’know, the fat guy who played King Tut on the 60s Batman tv series) is excellent as the creepy, nervous and always sweating mama’s boy who strangles women and undresses his drawer full of dolls he won at the fairground. It’s not a brilliant movie, with a paper-thin plot (police almost get him, let him go and then catch him again) but it does have atmosphere to spare. The b/w photography by Jacques R. Marquette is excellent. The best part is the opening scene of a nurse stripping seen from inside an eyeball. Well worth a look, and worth noting that it was made before the Boston Strangler (see THE BOSTON STRANGLER review) had been caught. With Ellen Corby, Russ Bender and James Sikking.

STRANGLER OF THE SWAMP (1945 US) D/W: “FRANK WISBAR” (FRANZY WYSBAR) W: HAROLD ERICKSON/LEO J. McCARTHY P: RAOUL PAGEL German Wysbar fled his native country for the US during the war and made a few cheap b/w quickies. This remake of his own 1936 picture FAHRMANN MARIA (also worth a look, but tough to find with subtitles) was made at Poverty Row studio PRC. Rosemary La Planche (who had been Miss America 1941 and returned in Wysbar’s DEVIL BAT’S DAUGHTER) stars as the granddaughter of a swamp community ferryman who takes over the job after he dies. At first she doesn’t know about the curse. A figure known as “the strangler” is a spooky ghoul who was once a man wrongly accused of murder and hanged. Fans of the FLASH GORDON serials will enjoy seeing Charles Middleton (with his distinctive Ming the Merciless voice) as the strangler. Blake Edwards (!) co-stars, with Robert Barrat and Nolan Leary. It’s no classic, but a decent supernatural thriller with a great, misty, atmospheric swamp set. It’s 58 mins.

THE STRANGLER OF VIENNA (meat is meat; the mad butcher; the mad butcher of vienna; the vienna strangler; lo strangolatore di vienna; der wurger kommt auf leisen socken) (1971 ITL W.GER) D: GUIDO ZURLI W/P: DAG MOLIN/“ROBERT H. OLIVER” (DICK RANDALL) Vic Buono in his second (and last) starring role is an ex-asylum inmate who returns to his job as butcher in 1930s Vienna. He puts women in a sausage machine. Despite a cult reputation and the interesting plot, there’s no gore, the comedy isn’t too funny and not much happens. Brad Harris is the newspaper reporter hero. With John Ireland. Buono (King Tut in the 60s Batman tv series) also starred in the much better THE STRANGLER, which is worth checking out.

STRANGLER’S MORGUE See: THE CRIMES OF STEPHEN HAWKE

STRATEGIC COMMAND (executive commando) (1997 US) D: RICK JACOBSON W: TRIPP REED/SEAN McGINLY P: ASHOK AMRITRAJ/ANDREW STEVENS Terrorists threaten to explode a jet filled with dangerous chemicals over LA unless a political prisoner is released in one of several similar Amritraj/Stevens action flicks (CRASH DIVE, FALLOUT etc.). Michael Dudikoff stars as the research scientist hero, with Paul Winfield, Richard Norton, Tim Abell, Michael Cavanaugh, Matthew Walker, Bryan Cranston and photography by Gary Graver.

STRAW DOGS (1971 UK) D/W: SAM PECKINPAH W: DAVID ZELAG GOODMAN P: DANIEL MELNICK Dustin Hoffman is the pacifist American mathematician who moves to his wife Susan George’s home town in rural England. The not-so-friendly locals start by killing their cat, but things soon get worse after George is raped (twice). David Warner is a mentally ill child molester who Hoffman ends up protecting from the vengeful locals in a stunning, masterful end sequence in which he must go against his principles to defend his home. Controversial for its violence and the rape scene (which was mauled by the censors). An artist at the peak of his craft, this is Peckinpah’s most powerful statement about the pain and pressure of being a man, which, I guess, was a little too effective at mining the paranoid streak of its chosen subject. Based on Gordon Williams’ novel The Siege of Trencher’s Farm. With Peter Vaughan. Roger Spottiswoode was an editor, and for some reason Warner is not actually credited. Remade in 2011.

THE STRAY (l.a. crash) (1999 US) D: KEVIN MOCK W: TERRY CUNNINGHAM P: RICHARD PEPIN/JOSEPH MERHI Angie Everhart is a wealthy restaurant owner who gives shelter to a seemingly nice vagrant (Frank Zagarino doing some kind of Charles Bronson impersonation) after she hits him with her car. First he sleeps in the garage and does odd jobs around the place, but soon worms his way into the house and breaks up the already shaky relationship between her and cop boyfriend Michael Madsen. Like most PM releases, this has a car chase which is the best part (and it’s stolen from BASIC INSTINCT) of this dull “thriller”.

STRAY CAT ROCK: FEMALE BOSS (alleycat rock: female boss; onna bancho: nora nekko rock) (1970 JPN) D/W: YASUHARU HASEBE W: ATSUSHI YAMATOYA P: WATARU IIJIMA/HIDEO SASAI Akiko Wada (who did not return for the sequels) is the motorcycle-riding leader of an all-girl juvenile delinquent gang in this enjoyable time capsule action movie from Nikkatsu. They have to hide out from the yakuza when they rescue a boxer who had to lose a fight but didn’t. A girl gets her breasts burnt with a blowtorch, and there are lots of split-screen and freezeframe effects. Not to mention Wada (who used to be a famous R’n’B singer, and has been a household name tv variety host for years) singing along with a psychedelic band in a club called Thunderbird. With future series stars Meiko Kaji, Tasuya Fuji and Kouji Wada. Four sequels followed. Hasebe (who created the concept for the series) is most famous for his brutal “pink eiga” like RAPE!

STRAY CAT ROCK 2: WILD JUMBO (alleycat rock 2; nora nekko rock 2: wild jumbo) (1970 JPN) D/W: TOSHIYA FUJITA W: SHUICHI NAGAHARA P: HIDEO SASAI/MICHIO IWASAWA In this immediate sequel to a surprise hit, a gang called The Pelican Club (led by Takeo Chii and including series regulars Meiko Kaji and Tatsuya Fuji, plus Yuusuke Natsu) roll around the city aimlessly in an army jeep, getting up to episodic high jinks. When the plot finally kicks in (I was starting to get suspicious as to why a Satoshi Funachi book was credited as the source material), a girl stalking Takeo on a white horse (Bunjaku Han) convinces him and the gang to travel to a seaside town and rob a truck carrying the substantial proceeds from a religious group’s collection fund. The ending is downbeat and totally at odds with the meandering first half. It’s not really a good film, but oddly enough I enjoyed it. Kaji (who you get to see in a white bikini) sings a song, as does the previous entry’s star, blues singer Akiko Wada (now an omnipresent tv variety show staple). With Akira Nishikao, and Charles Bronson on a poster for aftershave. It was shot simultaneously with STRAY CAT ROCK 3, on different locations.

STRAY CAT ROCK 3: SEX HUNTER (alleycat rock 3; nora nekko rock: sex hunter) (1970 JPN) D/W: “TAKASHI FUJI” (YASUHARU HASEBE) W: ATSUSHI YAMATOYA P: MASAYUKI TAKAGI Hasebe created this series and returns with an entry closer in spirit to the original, with a convoluted, timely exploitation spin on racial confusion, hatred and identity amongst urban youth gangs. Meiko Kaji and Tatsuya Fuji return as gang leaders, with “half-breed” Rikia Yasuoka co-starring. With Jiro Okazaki and the girl group The Golden Half (no Akiko Wada this time). It’s good fun, but I’m not sure why it’s held in higher regard than the rest of the series. Screenwriter Yamatoya (who died in 1993) wrote many oddities, including INFLATABLE SEX DOLLS OF THE WASTELAND (which he also directed), BRANDED TO KILL and DOGURA MAGURA.

STRAY CAT ROCK 4: MACHINE ANIMAL (nora nekko rock: machine animal) (1970 JPN) D: YASUHARU HASEBE W: RYUUZO NAKANISHI P: MASAMI KUZUU/HIROSHI FUJINAMI Fourth entry in the series is quite poor. Meiko Kaji’s gang of groovy chicks (who hang out at a go-go bar where we see several forgettable musical acts perform) help Tatsuya Fuji unload a stash of LSD, so they can get an AWOL “American” Vietnam deserter called Charlie (obviously a Japanese guy spouting bad English) on a boat to Sweden. Eiji Go’s all-male biker gang make trouble for them, and are in league with a wealthy cripple (Bunjaku Han), who has a fur-lined wheelchair and hangs out in her all-purple decor apartment listening to a pipe organ LP continuously. There’s a pretty pathetic trip sequence, too, and Kaji sings. With Jiro Okazaki. STRAY CAT ROCK 5: CRAZY RIDER ’71 (1971) ended the series.

STRAY DOGS See: HARDCORE: DEATH TRIP FILMS OF RICHARD KERN

STREET ANGEL See: AVENGING ANGEL

STREET ANGELS (1993 US) D/W/P: GEORGE PHILIP SAUNDERS A sadistic street gang led by “The Phantom” rape women and beat up old people. A cliché renegade cop (played by the multi-untalented Saunders) puts together a vigilante team of convicted tough women to fight back. The pits, with bad self-referential humour.

THE STREETFIGHTER (gekitotsu! satsujin ken) (1974 JPN) D: SHIGEHIRO OZAWA W: KOJI TAKADA Sonny Chiba is Terry Tsurugi, an angry Japanese/ Chinese half-breed Karate expert in this violent grindhouse hit. No one remembers the plot, and Chiba (whose acting style is strange and animalistic)’s martial arts are not too impressive. But his skullcracking chops, larynx-gripping grabs and castration strikes are ever so satisfying. Some more nudity and sleaze (there’s a fully clothed rape) and this could have been an exploitation classic. With Takuzo Kawatani, Etsuko Shihomi, Masafumi Suzuki, Fumio Watanabe, Rinichi Yamamoto and Kin Osaki. For its original US cinema release, Jack Solder created a new opening credits intro. Don’t bother with the cut version. RETURN OF THE STREETFIGHTER and THE STREETFIGHTER’S LAST REVENGE followed.

THE STREETFIGHTER (hard times) (1975 US) D/W: WALTER HILL W: BRYAN GINDOFF/BRUCE HENSTELL P: LAWRENCE GORDON Hill’s directorial debut is a solid Depression era drama about drifter Charles Bronson becoming a champion bare-knuckle boxer in New Orleans, with hustler James Coburn as his manager. A fight between Bronson and Robert Tessier is a highlight. With Jill Ireland, Strother Martin as an opium-addicted “doctor”, Bruce Glover, Chuck Hicks, Max Kleven, Bob Minor and Brion James. Roger Spottiswoode was the editor.

STREET FIGHTER: THE ULTIMATE BATTLE (1994 US JPN) D/W: STEVEN DeSOUZA P: EDWARD PRESSMAN/ MICHAEL HACK/KENZO TSUJIMOTO Idiotic and boring action movie based on a video game. Raul Julia is the villain in one of his last features and Jean-Claude Van Damme has to rescue some hostages. Lots of noise and FX and… that’s it. Just awful. With Ming-Na Wen, Roshan Seth, Kylie Minogue, Wes Studi, Benny “the jet” Urquiduez (responsible for the fight choreography), Simon Callow, Grand L. Bush, Miguel A. Nunez Jr. and Edward R. Pressman.

STREET FLEET See: D.C. CAB

STREET GANG See: VIGILANTE

STREET GANGS OF HONG KONG See: THE DELINQUENT

STREET HUNTER See: RESCUE ME

STREET KNIGHT (knight hunter) (1993 US) D: ALBERT MAGNOLI W: RICHARD FRIEDMAN P: MARK DiSALLE Bigoted race hate special squad leader Christopher Neame is attempting to incite an LA gang war so the blacks and the Latinos wipe each other out. Jeff Speakman is the martial arts fighting cop who wants peace. Standard urban actioner from the director of Prince’s PURPLE RAIN. With Bernie Casey, Sal Landi and Mark DiSalle.

STREET LAW (the citizen rebels; vigilante II; il cittadino si ribella) (1974 ITL) D: ENZO G. CASTELLARI W: DINO MAIURI/MASSIMO DE RITA P: MARIO CECCHI GORI After the success of Castellari’s influential HIGH CRIME (1973), he teamed up again with Franco Nero for this DEATH WISH-like crime thriller (which was actually released first). Nero is a vigilante (whose father had resisted WWII-era Fascism), fed-up when the cops can’t help him after he’s beaten up by some bank robbers. Nero is excellent (with that expressive face he could have been a silent movie star, I think) and so are parts of the movie, but it drags (at least in its uncut state) with some serious pacing problems, and recent dvd reissue hype sets it up to be more disappointing. Actually, a heavily cut no-nonsense 77 mins version plays better. I must admit to not being the biggest 70s era “polizio” fan, though (love the concept, often let-down by the product), so those inclined may love it. With Barbara Bach, Massimo Vanni, Romano Puppo, Luigi Antonio Guerra, Mickey Knox and a score (which is great) from Guido and Maurizio De Angelis.

STREET MOBSTER See: MODERN YAKUZA: OUTLAW KILLER

STREET PEOPLE See: THE EXECUTORS

STREETS OF FIRE (1984 US) D/W: WALTER HILL W: LARRY GROSS P: LAWRENCE GORDON/JOEL SILVER Set in some stylised city in an unspecified future/1950s mix era, this is an ok rock’n’roll fable that would have worked better without the Jim Steinman-esque cliché posturing. Michael Pare rescues singer Diane Lane from The Bombers gang and has a sledgehammer fight with Willem Dafoe (the best part). With Rick Moranis, Amy Madigan, Lee Ving, Ed Begley Jr., Bill Paxton, Grand L. Bush, Robert Townsend, Richard Lawson, Elizabeth Daily, Mykelti Williamson, Peter Jason and Spiro Razatos.

STREET TRASH (horror in bowery street) (1986 US) D: JIM MURO W/P: ROY FRUMKES Homeless winos drink old bottles of booze that a shopkeeper finds hidden in his cellar. It causes them to melt in this classic bad taste horror comedy. Try to imagine a wittier Troma movie that doesn’t give you a headache and has better FX (by Jennifer Aspinall) and you’re kind of near the mark. A game of catch with a severed penis, gang-rape, gore and surprisingly well done ’nam flashbacks (Vic Noto has them) are highlights, as is James Lorinz (FRANKENHOOKER) as a wisecracking doorman. Most of the action takes place in an atmospheric junkyard (owned by Muro’s father) run by R.L. Ryan (who has a funny necrophilia scene). Not for the easily offended, it’s a must-see for anyone else. It began shooting in 1984, expanded from a 10 mins 1983 short. Frumkes has a part. Mike Lackey stars. With Tony Darrow and Bill Chepil. See THE MELTDOWN MEMOIRS doc for more on this.

STREET WARRIORS See: CHAINS

STREET WARS (1974) See: THE BLACK GODFATHER

STRIKE OF THE MANTIS FIST See: DEATH DUEL OF MANTIS

STRIKING BACK See: THE NEW KIDS

STRIKING DISTANCE (three rivers) (1993 US) D/W: ROWDY HERRINGTON W: MARTIN KAPLAN P: ARNON MILCHAN/TONY THOMOPOULOS/HUNT LOWRY A serial killer dumps women in the river. Bruce Willis is an ex-cop working for the River Rescue Squad on a speedboat and trades insults with Brion James in this average action thriller that flopped at the box office. With Sarah Jessica Parker, Dennis Farina, John Mahoney, Tom Sizemore, Timothy Busfield, Tom Atkins and Andre Braugher.

STRIP NUDE FOR YOUR KILLER (nude per l’assassino) (1975 ITL) D/W: ANDREA BIANCHI W: MASSIMO FELISATTI A black leather-clad figure in a crash helmet is killing both men and women connected with the Albatross modelling agency run by a sadistic lesbian (Franco Diogene from TENTACLES is quite amusing as her fat, pathetic, lecherous husband with an inflatable sex doll). Nino Castelnuovo kind of stars as a playboy dick photographer (beautiful Edwige Fenech is his assistant and lover, who hates milk in coffee). Mostly tedious, silly giallo has some gore, welcome topless scenes from Fenech and full-frontal from Femi Benussi, nice cinematography courtesy of Franco Delli Colli and a fine score from Berto Pisano. The uncut 98 mins print I saw had the title NUDE X ASSASSINO.

STRIP POKER See: THE BIG SWITCH

STROKE OF DEATH (monkey kung fu; chut lung ma lau; chu long ma liu) (1979 HK) D/W: JOHN LAW MA W: SZETO ON P: RUN RUN SHAW/MONA FONG Ching Siu-Tung is one of the great unsung heroes of action cinema, having provided top-notch fight choreography for several great kung fu films (including this one), and later being responsible for the iconic action in the heroic bloodshed classics of John Woo (and he also directed a few of his own flick, too). Oddly enough, he only starred in one film (as well as co-starring in MASTER STRIKES with Casanova Wong). He’s a “loafer” and supposed descendant of Wong Fei Hung, who goes to prison for three and a half years for killing a man, hard labour. A feared one-eyed “maniac” convict (with whom he has a great fight involving a chair) gives him one half of a medallion with a map on it, before he escapes the quarry prison camp. The guy chained to him turns out to have the other half of the map. In the end, they must put themselves through gruelling training scenes (always the test of a good kung fu film) to fight some evil guy, also after the medallion. As you’d expect, there’s great action all the way, making this a blast for kung fu fans. With Lam Fai Wong, Fong Ping, Shum Lo, Wan Faat, Sham Chin Bo, Lam Wai and Cheung Hei.

STRONG ARM MAN See: BLACK CONNECTION

THE STRONGEST JUSTICE See: KUNG FU INFERNO

THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD See: MOLE MEN AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES

STRUGGLE THROUGH DEATH See: DRAGON FIGHTER (1981)

STRYKER’S WAR See: THOU SHALT NOT KILL… EXCEPT

STUD BROWN See: THE DYNAMITE BROTHERS

STUDENT BODIES (1981 US) D/W: “ALAN SMITHEE” (MICHAEL RITCHIE) D/W: MICKEY ROSE Utterly unfunny and irritating spoof of slasher movies, which were everywhere in the early 80s. A decent spoof would have been welcome, but this was not it. An unseen figure kills girls having sex in unusual ways (paper clip, egg plant etc.) and then stuffs and suffocates the boyfriends in bin liners. It sounds infinitely more amusing than it is. A real chore to sit through.

THE STUDENT OF PRAGUE (der student von prag; a bargain with satan) (1913 GER) D: STELLAN RYE W: HANNIS HEINZ EWERS P: DEUTSCHE BIOSCOP It seems to me that this extremely important landmark silent b/w fantasy horror should be restored to dvd, but at the time of writing I had to watch a bootleg with Spanish title cards (and English subtitles). Paul Wegener (who might have also directed some scenes) stars as Balduin, a popular student and ace swordsman who is unable to court a countess, whom he has rescued from a lake and subsequently fallen in love with, because he’s so poor. The scheming, top-hatted, bearded Scapanelli (John Gottowt, also in NOSFERATU and WAXWORKS) offers him wealth in exchange for anything in his (hovel) room. Balduin immediately accepts, only to be shocked when Scapanelli leaves with his “image” (his reflection walks straight out of the mirror). Balduin gets his woman, much to the chagrin of her family, but the doppelgänger soon causes trouble for him, and a card game is to determine who may exist. The version I saw ran 56 mins, and seems to be at the correct speed. I have no idea if this is complete, however, but I know shorter versions are about, so beware. Loosely based on Edgar Allan Poe’s story William Wilson, itself inspired by the Faust legend and a poem by Alfred de Musset, it was remade in 1926 and 1935, as a segment in 1968’s SPIRITS OF THE DEAD anthology, a Brazilian short from 1997 called E O CRAQUE MARCOU, and a Czech short from 2004.

THE STUDENT TEACHERS (college co-eds) (1973 US) D: JONATHAN KAPLAN W: DANNY OPATOSHU P: JULIE CORMAN Susan Damante stars in this fun drive-in sex comedy from the company that did it best, New World. Kaplan had already directed NIGHT CALL NURSES for them. The new student teachers try to teach the kids useful stuff about sex etc. that the stuffy principal and staff (including gym teacher Dick Miller, who’s fun) find shocking. A subplot about a clown-masked rapist is pretty disturbing but gels perfectly in a way that you’re not allowed to do any more in today’s fuckedup over-PC world. Drug-dealing gangsters are also ripped off. Great stuff which inspired a sequel, SUMMER SCHOOL TEACHERS. With Marilyn Joi. Barbara Peeters was a second unit director. [Illus.]

STUDIO 54 See: 54

THE STUFF (1985 US) D/W: LARRY COHEN P: PAUL KURTA A highly addictive junk food that pumps out of the Earth turns consumers into zombies and eventually kills them. A little kid tries to stop his family from eating it while industrial spy Michael Moriarty uncovers the conspiracy. Cohen’s satiric reaction to improper US food standard laws is incoherent as hell (it was recut by the studio) but different and sometimes entertaining. With Paul Sorvino, Danny Aiello, Brooke Adams, Abe Vigoda, Patrick O’Neal. Tammy Grimes, Eric Bogosian, Laurene Landon, Brian Bloom and FX work from Jim Danforth, Ed French and David Allen.

STUFF STEPHANIE IN THE INCINERATOR (in deadly heat) (1989 US) D/W/P: DON NARDO W: PETER JONES Once again Troma buy a lame, cheap movie and add a cool new title and people take notice. This is the kind of flick that may divert you if you caught it unawares on late-night tv (it does have a surprise ending), but would disappoint if you paid for it.

THE STUNT MAN (1978 US) D/W/P: RICHARD RUSH W: LAWRENCE B. MARCUS Here’s an overlooked, underrated gem from the director of HELL’S ANGELS ON WHEELS (based on Paul Brodeur’s novel). Steve Railsback is a ’nam vet pursued by police, who accidentally causes the death of a stuntman when he runs onto a movie location. Peter O’Toole is great as the crazy director who blackmails Railsback into replacing the dead man. This black comedy is full of surprises and very entertaining (and sometimes thought-provoking). With Barbara Hershey, Allen Garfield, Alex Rocco, Sharon Farrell, Adam Roarke, Chuck Bail, George Wallace, John Alderman and James Avery. It’s complete failure (20th Century Fox didn’t release it properly) resulted in Rush not directing again for 15 years. COLOR OF NIGHT was his next feature.

STUNTS (who is killing the stuntmen?) (1977 US) D: MARK L. LESTER W: DENNIS JOHNSON/BARNEY COHEN W/P: RAYMOND LOFARO P: WILLIAM PANZER After his stuntman brother falls to his death from a helicopter, Robert Forster takes his place on an action movie set to try to discover what happened. Other stuntmen are played by Bruce Glover, Ray Sharkey and Joanna Cassidy. Richard Lynch is the main stunt co-ordinator suspect, and Candice Rialson is the producer’s girlfriend/star of the picture. It’s not a bad little mystery. With H.B. Haggerty.

THE STUNT WOMAN (ah kam; a gam; a jin) (1996 HK) D: ANN HUI W: CHAN MAN KEUNG/JOHN CHAN KIN CHUNG P: CATHERINE HUN GA JAN/DAVID LAU Michelle Yeoh more or less plays herself in this story of a Hong Kong stuntwoman’s turbulent life. Not officially based on Yeoh but the hint is most definitely there. Don’t expect much in the way of action (there is a little courtesy of Ching Siu Tung), but this is a competent behind-the-scenes drama. With Sammo Hung as the director, Jimmy Wong Sam, Meng Hoi, Nick Cheung, Richard Ng, Kent Cheung and Manfred Wong.

SUBHUMAN (voodoo academy; voodoo master) (2000 US) D: “RICHARD CHASEN” (DAVID DeCOTEAU) W: ERIC BLACK Six special students board at an exclusive Bible college run by a priest/scientist and a rich young widow (Debra Mayer). An electromagnetic confessional box (?) helps the mysterious duo control the boys who soon stop wearing suits in favour of beefcake sleeveless shirts and vests. Finally they’re seduced, wine is poured on them and they turn into little voodoo dolls. This senseless, talky and uneventful “horror” movie is pretty odd and features cheap-looking visual FX. Riley Smith is the new kid hero, with Drew Fuller and Ben Indra. It runs just over an hour on video, but the dvd contains an extra 23 mins of homoerotic material that executive producer Charles Band had cut out.

SUBJECT: NARCOTICS (1951 US) D/W: DENIS AND TERRY SANDERS W: JAY SANDRICH Made for the benefit of police officers wanting to understand drug addicts, this 21 mins b/w educational film is propaganda at its most doom-laden. In a scary “shooting gallery”, heroin addicts “wait to share the needle”. Grim.

SUBMERGED (2000 US) D: “ED RAYMOND” (FRED OLEN RAY) W: STEVE LATSHAW P: ALISON SEMENZA/“NOBLE HENRY” (JIM WYNORSKI) Coolio (who works for ex-Marine arms dealer Tim Thomerson) steals some important anti-missile satellite hardware from tycoon Dennis Weaver’s security company. The software for the thing is on-board Weaver’s private jet, so the bad guys arrange for it to crash into the sea where it sinks, and divers are sent to retrieve the information needed. Also on-board the makeshift submarine are Weaver’s daughter Nicole Eggert, CIA agent Maxwell Caulfield, stewardess Stacey Travis and heavily pregnant Meredyth Hunt. Brent Huff stars as another CIA agent out to rescue them, and Fred Williamson is a ship’s captain. Despite all the potential for excitement, it couldn’t be duller. With Hannes Jaenicke, Brinke Stevens, Art Hindle, Michael Bailey Smith and Richard Gabai.

SUBSPECIES (1991 US) D: TED NICOLAOU W: JACKSON BURR/DAVID PABAN P: ION IONESCU After a prologue with Angus Scrimm looking very silly in a white wig, this settles down to a story about three college girls in Romania doing their paper on local superstitions and folklore. This, of course, involves vampires, of which there is one good heroic one and one evil one (who has little demons created by David Allen to help out). It’s not too bad for a low-budget vampire movie and benefits from authentic Romanian location work. With series regular Anders Hove and Ion Besoiu. Charles Band ordered sequels (the first was BLOODSTONE) for his Full Moon company.

SUBSPECIES 4: BLOODSTORM (1997 US) D/W: TED NICOLAOU P: VLAD PAUNESCU/KIRK EDWARD HANSEN This is the last and the worst in the series (shot back to back in Romania with the similar VAMPIRE JOURNALS for Full Moon). Series regular Anders Hove returns and the plot has something to do with doctors who claim they can cure vampirism.

THE SUBSTITUTE (1996 US) D: ROBERT MANDEL W: ROY FRUMKES/ROCCO SIMONELLI/ALAN ORMSBY P: MORRE EISENMAN/JIM STEELE/DON CARMODY (uncredited) When his wife is kneecapped by students, ’nam vet mercenary Tom Berenger becomes her sub teacher at a gang-ridden, violent Miami school. The parts where he gets through to some students who really want to learn (after he displays some violence) are sentimental and corny, but for the most part this is a decent action flick (if overlong). Ernie Hudson is the corrupt ex-cop principal who uses the school as a front for a major drug operation. William Forsythe (acting like an out of control arsehole as usual), Raymond Cruz and Luis Guzman are merc friends on hand. With Cliff DeYoung as a cowardly drug-dealer, Glenn Plummer, Diane Venora and Vincent Laresca.

THE SUBSTITUTE 2: SCHOOL’S OUT (1998 US) D: STEVEN PEARL W: ROY FRUMKES/ROCCO SIMONELLI P: ROBERT SALERNO/MORRIE EISENMAN Weak sequel has Treat Williams replacing Tom Berenger as a ’nam vet merc in a New York school run by gangs to avenge his brother’s death. With Eugene Byrd, Edoardo Ballerini, Paul Lazar, Schooly D (who often scores Abel Ferrara’s movies) and The Guru.

THE SUBSTITUTE 3: WINNER TAKES ALL (1999 US) D: RICHARD RADLER W: ROY FRUMKES/ROCCO SIMONELLI P: TERRY SPAZEK Treat Williams returns to clear up a college filled with violent, troublemaking jocks on supersteroids. Old special forces friends who help include Claudia Christian and a guy with a samurai sword. Marginaly better than the previous entry, it’s still not any good. With Robert Harvey, Frank Gerrish and Richard Portnow.

THE SUBSTITUTE 4: FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION (2000 US) D/P: ROBERT RADLER W: DAN GURSKIS Treat Williams returns to infiltrate a military academy where war hero Colonel Patrick Kilpatrick is training a select group of cadets for the “Werewolves”, a neo-Nazi hate group. Pathetic entry doesn’t even have much action to speak of. With Angie Everhart, Bill Nunn as the janitor, Simon Rhee and Tim Abell.

SUBTERFUGE (black sea raid 2) (1996 US) D/W/P: HERB FREED W: MARION SEAGAL P: DAVID FROST Awful action quickie stars Matt McColm and James Gould as bickering hunk and computer nerd brothers who have to retrieve the black box from a downed plane (possibly the work of terrorists) in the Black Sea. They are later joined by Amanda Pays. The comic relief (like a horny Russian taxi driver) is not funny. With Glynn Turman.

SUBURBIA CONFIDENTIAL (1966 US) D/W/P: “A.C. STEPHEN/JASON UNDERWOOD” (STEPHEN C. APOSTOLOF) An MD introduces six cases of neglected housewives seeking extramarital sex in this b/w adults only flick. In one of the segments a man puts on a bra, stockings, garter belt and earrings to make love to a woman. Ed Wood (who wrote many for Apostolof including the classic ORGY OF THE DEAD) wrote a paperback based on this quickie that’s for completists only.

SUBWAY PANIC See: THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE

SUBWAY SERIAL RAPE (chikatetsu renzoku rape) (1985 JPN) D/W: SHUJI KATAOKA Gangster Ren Osugi (and his moustache) steals drugs from his own gang. He escapes by riding a subway train, on which a lesbian is raped by three punks while none of the other passengers help. As the case gets more media attention, Osugi realises he’s in danger of being recognised by the woman, blowing his cover. So he kidnaps her, ties her up, drugs her and rapes her some more. She starts to enjoy her new lifestyle (“I need it!”). A yakuza hitman guns them both down at the end. With Shiro Shimomoto and Hiromi Saotome. Sixty-two fairly average mins, but it was a hit so three sequels followed.

SUCKER See: CREEPTALES

SUCKER PUNCH (angel wars) (2011 US CAN) D/W/P: ZACK SNYDER W: STEVE SHIBUYA P: DEBORAH SNYDER Emily Browning is Babydoll, a vulnerable Lolita-fetishist’s wet dream, who ends up abused in a nightmarish mental asylum after she’s framed (by her horrible stepfather) for the murder of her younger sister. Threatened with a lobotomy, she seems to escape into an alternate reality cabaret/ brothel run by gangsters where she’s forced to dance for clients along with other girls. Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens and Jamie Chung are other dancers who decide to escape with her. When Babydoll dances (which we never see), she enters another reality (a series of video game/RPG-like action adventure missions, all featuring Scott Glenn) which represent their struggle (or something). CGI-heavy music video nerd fetish fantasy excuse for a movie (and waste of tremendous VFX) is one of the worst major releases in recent memory, and above all BORING AS FUCK!! With Carla Gugino, Oscar Isaac, Jon Hamm, countless visual references to better, more substantial movies and a soundtrack full of terrible remixes and covers. Get the Blu-ray disc and increase the torture with an Extended Cut (extra 17 horrible mins!). I’d still fuck Babydoll, though (and couldn’t they have had at least one scene of her sucking on a lollipop?)!

THE SUCKLING (sewage baby) (1989 US) D/W/P: FRANCIS TERI P: MICHAEL HELMAN Back in the 70s, a young woman reluctantly gets a coat-hanger abortion in an illegal back room “clinic” in a whorehouse run by Big Mama. The foetus is flushed down the toilet, comes into contact with toxic waste and becomes an impressive man-in-a-suit tentacled monster (future Fangoria Managing Editor Michael Gingold). A big placenta (?) over the windows and doors stops bickering characters from leaving. Ambitious NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD-styled monster movie is fun, benefiting from sleazy locations (and in the UK, a cool AKA). There’s some animation and a “surprise” ending in an asylum.

SUDDEN DEATH (dirty harriett) (1985 US) D/W: SIG SHORE P: STEVEN SHORE/DAVID GREENE Denise Coward James (Miss Australia 1978) becomes a New York vigilante after she’s raped in this very, very bad and sometimes weird movie from the guy who backed the SUPERFLY movies.

SUDDEN DEATH (1995 US) D: PETER HYAMS W: GENE QUINTANO/KAREN BALDWIN P: MOSHE DIAMANT/HOWARD BALDWIN Jean-Claude Van Damme is an ex-fireman working at a hockey stadium in Pittsburgh. Terrorists led by Powers Boothe take Vice-President Raymond J. Barry hostage for a ransom while Van Damme tries to disarm explosives and rescue his kids. Reasonable DIE HARD rip-off is more tolerable than most Van Damme vehicles. With Dorian Harewood and some famous hockey players from the Pittsburgh Penguins.

SUDDEN IMPACT (1983 US) D/P: CLINT EASTWOOD W: JOSEPH C. STINSON/EARL E. SMITH/CHARLES B. PIERCE The fourth Dirty Harry movie is easily the worst. Eastwood returns as the weary above-the-law detective Harry Callahan. Sondra Locke (in her final Eastwood collaboration) is a rape victim who tracks down the men (and one lesbian) who gang-raped her and her sister and blows them away (the guys have their dicks shot off). It’s all very half-hearted and boring and tries to give us some sort of message (I think). With Pat Hingle, Bradford Dillman, Nancy Parsons, Carmen Argenziano, James McEachin and Camryn Manheim. Things didn’t improve much with THE DEAD POOL.

SUDDENLY (1954 US) D: LEWIS ALLEN W: RICHARD SALE P: ROBERT BASSLER Frank Sinatra, Paul Frees and another guy break into a house and keep a family hostage as they wait for the US president’s passing motorcade so they can assassinate him. This excellent, gripping b/w thriller was said to have influenced Lee Harvey Oswald, and Sinatra tried to have it destroyed. I’m glad he didn’t succeed. With Sterling Hayden, James Gleason, Willis Bouchey, Roy Engel, Charles Smith, Charles Wagenheim and Dan White.

SUDDEN TERROR (eyewitness) (1970 UK) D: JOHN HOUGH W: RONALD HARWOOD P: PAUL MASLANSKY An overimaginative little boy prone to lying witnesses an assassination. Of course, no one believes him, as the corrupt cop killers get closer to silencing him. Decent, fast-paced thriller benefits from its location photography (Malta) and Lionel Jeffries as the boy’s very British ex-military grandfather. With Peter Vaughan (an underrated, scary character actor), Susan George, Jeremy Kemp, Peter Bowles and David Lodge. Officially based on John Harris (aka Mark Hebden)’s novel, it’s basically the same story as THE WINDOW.

SUGAR COLT (1966 ITL SPN) D: FRANCO GIRALDI W: GIUSEPPE MANGIONE/AUGUSTO FINOCCHI/ SANDRO CONTINENZA/FERNANDO DI LEO P: FRANCO CITTADINI/STENIO FIORENTINI At the beginning of this Civil War-era western, we see a platoon of Union soldiers surrounded in a canyon, and some die in a landslide when dynamite is detonated. We discover that the rest are being held captive by an anonymous blackmailer demanding a small fortune in ransom. A sharpshooter (and casual government agent) who runs a bizarre shooting gallery is hired to rescue them. He (Hunt Powers) poses as a doctor and heads for the town of Snake Valley. Soledad Miranda (later a Jesús Franco regular) costars as a hooker. This is an unusual western, and features some above average action set pieces, it’s just a shame that the stuff between is so slow (not to mention the lame comedy). With George Rigaud, Victor Israel, “Jeanney Oak” (Gina Rovere), Fortunato Arena, Luis Barboo, Frank Brana, José Canalejas and Osiride Peuarello.

SUGAR HILL (the zombies of…; voodoo girl) (1974 US) D: PAUL MASLANSKY W: TIM KELLY P: ELLIOTT SCHICK Diana “Sugar” Hill (Marki Bey) seeks revenge after her club owner fiancé is murdered by white gangsters led by Robert Quarry (who has a black “nigger” henchman shine his shoes). An old crone living in the swamp helps her summon voodoo priest Don Pedro Colley, who in turn resurrects dead slaves to rise and kill at her command. The zombies are silly and extremely cool at the same time, what with their blank ping-pong eyeballs, and always covered in cobwebs! One victim is fed to hungry pigs. Richard Lawson (star of the Kelly-scripted BLACK FIST) is a homicide cop and Bey’s ex. It’s one of the most enjoyable black horror movies of the era, released by AIP and sole directorial credit for the future director of the POLICE ACADEMY series! The great theme tune Supernatural Voodoo Woman is by The Originals.

SUGAR HILL (harlem) (1994 US) D: LEON ICHASO W: BARRY MICHAEL COOPER P: GREG BROWN/RUDY LANGLAIS/STEVEN R. McGLOTHEN This is a decent but long (2 hours) look at a couple of drug-dealing brothers (one is star Wesley Snipes) in Harlem trying to escape the trap laid down for them by their fucked-up, self-destructive heritage, cursing the dope that destroyed their parents while getting rich off the same poison themselves. It’s less exciting, but maybe a little more thoughtful than NEW JACK CITY (also written by Cooper). With Khandi Alexander, Clarence Williams III, Ernie Hudson, Joe Dallesandro, Theresa Randle, Donald Adeosun Faison, Sam Bottoms and Vondie Curtis-Hall.

SUGATA SANSHIRO (sanshiro sugata; judo saga) (1943 JPN) D/W: AKIRA KUROSAWA P: KEIJI MATSUZAKI Susumu Fujita stars as the titular master of jujitsu (or judo) in Kurosawa’s directorial debut (based on Tsuneo Tomita’s novel, itself based on his judo teacher, the acclaimed Shiro Saigo). The slight story of how Sugata seeks purity in his duels with Takashi Shimura, then later Ryonosuke Tsukigata may lack dynamism for a modern audience, but it’s clear that Kurosawa was already a master storyteller and craftsman destined for great things (of which this film is one). Denjiro Okochi is Sugata’s teacher, Yukiko Todoroki the love interest. With Ranko Hanai, Ichiro Sugai, Yoshio Kosugi, Kokuten Koodoo and Soji Kiyokawa. The great b/w cinematography is by Akira Mimura. In 1944 the government censor cut out approx. 17 mins which were never restored. The version that exists today is a 1952 reissue (in pretty beat-up shape). Some dvd versions have bad-quality missing scenes (from a Russian archive print) as extras. It was followed by ZOKU SUGATA SANSHIRO, and remakes modelled after Kurosawa’s screenplay were in 1955, 56, 66, 70, 77 and 2007 (for tv).

SUICIDE CIRCLE (jisatsu circle) (2002 JPN) D/W: SION SONO This starts with a memorable, outrageous scene as 54 schoolgirls jump in front of a train at the same time in Shinjuku, Tokyo. Ryo Ishibashi and Masatoshi Nagase are detectives who try to figure out why, as more seemingly unconnected people commit violent, bloody suicide. There are some great ideas and choice visceral moments in this vague black comedy satire on modern Japanese culture and society, but don’t expect greatness (or a coherent, resolved storyline). With Kimiko Yo, Tamao Sato, Mai Hosho, Akaji Maro and Rolly. The theme continued with NORIKO’S DINNER TABLE.

SUICIDE CULT (astrologer) (1975 US) D: JAMES GLICKENHAUS P: MARK BUNTZMAN Before their hit THE EXTERMINATOR, Glickenhaus and Buntzman (who both act, and I assume wrote this uncredited) made this obscure and difficult to follow oddity about a secret government organisation that’s using astrological data to determine a virgin birth, and the possible Second Coming (I guess). More sinister visuals come courtesy of an East Indian guru with a cult. I quite enjoyed this talky curio, but remain baffled.

SUMMER CAMP (1979 CAN) See: MEATBALLS

SUMMER CAMP (1979 US) D: CHUCK VINCENT W: AVRUMIE SCHNITZER W/P: MARK BORDE Camp Malibu (not in Malibu) is running out of money, so teens with rich parents are invited for a free holiday in the hope of raising donations. Instead they ogle girls in the shower, smoke pot and have a food fight. This very silly sex comedy (and HOT T-SHIRTS) were respected porno director Vincent’s second attempts at breaking into the mainstream (he also did the editing). His BLUE SUMMER from 1973 was the first. Linnea Quigley (as “Barbara Gold”) has one of her earliest roles. Roadshow legend Don Sonney was an executive producer.

SUMMER OF SAM (1999 US) D/W/P: SPIKE LEE W: VICTOR COLICCHIO/MICHAEL IMPERIOLI P: JON KILIK Set during the NYC heatwave of 1977, this (inaccurate) film presents a microcosm of characters from the Bronx and how their lives are affected by the David Berkowitz killings. If Lee had done away with the overstylised visuals and Scorsese-like soundtrack he might have a better film. As it stands, it’s not bad. But the Italian American caricatures are a bit much, and I’m sure you’ve heard about the illfitting talking dog (voiced by John Turturro). John Leguizamo is top-billed, and Adrien Brody is very good as the punk rock fan who idolises the (very un-punk) The Who. The killing scenes look like they belong in MANIAC and Berkovitz is really played as a clichéd sicko to the hilt by Michael Badalucci. With Mira Sorvino, Imperioli (also an executive producer), Jim Jensen, Reggie Jackson, Michael Rispoli, Mike Starr, Arthur Nascarella, Bill Raymond and Michelle Rodriguez. Lee (the black Oliver Stone?) has a cameo as a news reporter. Subtlety is not his strong point. A bit better was the 2007 tv miniseries The Bronx is Burning, dealing with the same time period, location and events, but mostly focused on baseball and the New York Yankees. It starred Turturro, Oliver Platt and Daniel Sunjata (who later narrated 2009’s LOOSE CHANGE 9/11: AN AMERICAN COUP) as Reggie Jackson, with a very Ramones-heavy soundtrack. In it, Rispoli plays Jimmy Breslin, the journalist contacted by Berkowitz who co-wrote (with Dick Schaap) the speculative factional .44 Caliber Killer book before the Berkovitz trial was complete. The Bronx is Burning was based on Jonathan Mahler’s 2005 book Ladies And Gentlemen, The Bronx Is Burning. Also good is the 2007 tv documentary NY77: THE COOLEST YEAR IN HELL (it was on VH1 so is more music-centric).

SUMMER WITH GHOSTS See: THE DISCARNATES

THE SUM OF ALL FEARS (total fears) (2002 US GER) D: PHIL ALDEN ROBINSON W: PAUL ATTANASIO/ DANIEL PYNE P: MACE NEUFELD Ben Affleck is badly cast as low-level CIA agent Jack Ryan in this big, expensive and overblown and dull adaption of executive producer Tom Clancy’s novel. Morgan Freeman is his superior. They try to prevent a war between the US and Russia, set up by rogue neo-fascists with a fission bomb. Baltimore is destroyed. With James Cromwell as the President, Liev Schreiber, Ken Jenkins, Bruce McGill, John Beasley, Philip Baker Hall, Lee Garlington, Alan Bates, Bridget Moynahan, Colm Feore, Josef Summer, Clarán Hinds, Sheena Larkin, Frank Fontaine, Michael Byrne, Lev Prygunov, Ron Rifkin, Yevgeni (Eugene) Lazarev, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Arthur Holden, Marcel Sabourin, Aleksandr Beblyavsky, Conrad Pla, Philip Akin and Neufeld. It seemed that much more dated after 9-11.

SUNDAY IN THE COUNTRY (vengeance is mine; blood for blood) (1974 CAN) D/W: JOHN TRENT W: ROBERT MAXWELL/DAVID MAIN P: DAVID PERLMUTTER In rural Peel County, churchgoing, stubborn farmer Ernest Borgnine’s granddaughter (Hollis McLaren) is back from college for the summer. Meanwhile, three bank robbers (including triggerhappy weirdo Michael J. Pollard) are on the loose. They end up at Borgnine’s farm sure enough, where Ernie blows one away right off the bat, then keeps the other two chained up in a filthy basement, and plays sadistic games with them. McLaren tries to get the police, but she’s prevented by the increasingly unhinged (and confused) Borgnine (who’s so grumpy and old-fashioned, he doesn’t even approve of cook books!). A big, obedient European handyman helps him. Starts off kind of interesting, but this odd revenge movie paints itself further into a corner, until it just fizzles out, and tacks on a very 70s, confused ending. With Cec Linder and Al Waxman. Borgnine had played a similar vengeful farmer in VIOLENT SATURDAY years earlier. Director Trent’s last movie was the very good BEST REVENGE.

SUNDOWN: THE VAMPIRE IN RETREAT (1989 US) D/W: ANTHONY HICKOX W: JOHN BURGESS P: JEF RICHARD In the small desert town of Purgatory, David Carradine leads a band of good, non-violent vampires who make fake blood in a factory. John Ireland leads the bad, old-fashioned killer vampires. This fun movie has the two groups fighting when a human family rolls into town. Bruce Campbell was an inspired choice for Van Helsing. With M. Emmet Walsh, Jim Metzler, Maxwell Caulfield, George “Buck” Flower, Marion Eaton (from THUNDERCRACK!), Bert Remsen and Dabbs Greer. It’s dedicated to Hickox’s director father Douglas, who died in 88.

SUN DRAGON See: A HARD WAY TO DIE

SUNSET BLVD. (1950 US) D/W: BILLY WILDER W/P: CHARLES BRACKETT W: D.M. MARSHALL JR. William Holden is an unemployed writer in Hollywood on the run from debt collectors. He has no choice but to move into a huge old mansion with has-been silent movie star Gloria Swanson while half-heartedly working on her huge ego trip life story screenplay. He becomes her spoiled, reluctant flunky along with butler/chauffeur Erich von Stroheim. This brilliant b/w satire noir told in flashback by a dead Holden floating in a pool is a recognised classic among mainstream movie critics, but it may not occur to horror/exploitation/ cult movie fans to watch it. You should. Cecil B. DeMille appears as himself, with Jack Webb, Fred Clark, Buster Keaton, Yvette Vickers, Hedda Hopper, H.B. Warner, Franklyn Farnum, Larry J. Blake, Anna B. Nilsson, Ray Evans, Jay Livingston, Gertrude Astor, Ken Christy, Ruth Clifford, Al Ferguson, Archie Delzell, Eddie Dew, Julia Faye, Joe Cray, Creighton Hale, Len Hendry, E. Mason Hopper, Gertrude Messinger, John Miller, Ralph Montgomery, Bert Moorhouse, Howard Negley, Ottola Nesmith, Eva Novak, Frank O’Connor, Robert Emmett O’Connor and Archie Twitchell. Parodies include Paul Morrissey’s HEAT and a 2002 porno called SUNSET STRIPPED.

SUNSET GRILL (hard luck) (1993 US) D: KEVIN CONNOR W: MARCUS WRIGHT/CHIP WALTER W/P: FARUQUE AHMED Looking for a cure for insomnia? Try this dull alleged thriller about drunken LA private eye Peter Weller uncovering an orgnisation selling murdered Mexicans’ organs on the blackmarket. With Stacy Keach, Sandra Wild, Alexandra Paul, John Rhys-Davies, Danny Trejo, Michael Anderson Jr. and Branscombe Richmond.

SUNSET WARRIOR See: HEROES SHED NO TEARS

SUPER BROTHER See: BLACK JESUS

SUPERCHEF See: MR. NICE GUY

SUPERCHICK (1973 US) D: ED FORSYTH W: GARY CRUTCHER W/P: JOHN H. BURROWS Silly, tame and dated sex comedy stars Tara B. True (who was Ronald Reagan’s astrologer in real-life) as a funloving airline stewardess with a different man in each US city she travels to. They’re each very different, and (not very funny) skits show how she acts with each one. A weak plot involving gangsters is in there somewhere. The only part you may want to check out has John Carradine as a lecherous old B movie star into SM. With Uschi Digard, “Mary Gavin” (Candy Samples), Rick Cassidy (SEX PSYCHO), Dan Haggerty as a biker and Crutcher (who wrote William Grefe’s STANLEY, also produced by Burrows). Forsyth also helmed THE RAMRODDER for David F. Friedman.

SUPERCOP See: POLICE STORY 3

SUPER DICK See: CRY UNCLE

SUPER DRAGON (1966) See: SECRET AGENT SUPER DRAGON

SUPER DRAGON (1974) See: BRUCE LEE WE MISS YOU

SUPER DYNAMO See: DUEL OF THE MASTERS

SUPER 8 (2011 US) D/W/P: J.J. ABRAMS P: BRYAN BURK/STEVEN SPIELBERG Five boys (Joel Courtney, Riley Griffiths, Zach Mills, Gabriel Basso and firebug Ryan Lee) and a girl (Elle Fanning) are making an amateur zombie movie in a small town (at the end of the 70s), when they witness a freight train being derailed (awesome crash scene) by a biology teacher (Glynn Turman) in his pickup truck. Sworn to secrecy, they have captured some startling images on 8mm, and have a small, mysterious cuboid object. Meanwhile the military are moving in, dogs and engines and electronics go missing, and the electricity keeps going out. This retro monster movie has likeable (and foul-mouthed) kid leads, and is mostly rather charming. It’s true that it ultimately offers nothing but refried nostalgia, but it’s quite a fun watch, and quality filmmaking throughout. The footage which plays during the end credits was a nice touch. With Kyle Chandler, Ron Eldard, Noah Emmerich and Dan Castellaneta, and fun references to Dick Smith, Walkmans, CB, disco and the Russians.

SUPERFIGHTER 3 See: FEARLESS HYENA

SUPERFIRE (2001) See: SUPERSTITION

SUPERFIRE (2002 US) D: STEVEN QUALE W: MICHAEL VICKERMAN/RICHARD PRESTON JR./DOUGLAS PRESTON By the numbers tv disaster dreck about fire jumpers and pilots attempting to put out a huge blazing forest fire. With Jay Bunyan, Gedeon Burkhard, Diane Farr, Craig McLachlan, Katrina Hobbs, Wes Studi and D.B. Sweeney.

SUPERFLY (1973 US) D: GORDON PARKS JR. W: PHILLIP FENTY P: SIG SHORE This very cool crowd-pleasing black cast crime movie is one of the best of its type. Ron O’Neal is excellent as Priest, a coke-dealing hustler trying to get out of the life with one last big score. Curtis Mayfield appears and supplies a classic soundtrack. With Julius W. Harris and producer Shore. The director’s dad made SHAFT, but this one’s better.

SUPERFLY (1990) See: THE RETURN OF SUPERFLY

SUPER FUZZ See: SUPERSNOOPER

SUPERGATOR (dinosaur field) (2007 US) D: BRIAN CLYDE W: FRANCES DOEL/JEFFREY STURGES P: ROGER CORMAN A genetically engineered prehistoric alligator (a poor CGI creation) is on the loose in Hawaii. Meanwhile, Brad Johnson and his research team are afraid that a volcano might erupt. Stoners and girls in bikinis get chomped (pathetic non-CGI insert shots), and there’s stock footage of a lava flow. With Kelly McGillis. More brain-dead time-wasting filler from New Horizons.

SUPERGIRL (1984 UK) D: JEANNOT SZWARC W: DAVID ODELL P: TIMOTHY BURRILL Helen Slater had her film debut as Superman’s cousin who comes to Earth disguised as a schoolgirl to retrieve an object from villainous Faye Dunaway that could save her planet in “inner space”. It’s not good. With Peter Cook, Hart Bochner, Peter O’Toole, Marc McClure, Mia Farrow, Brenda Vaccaro and Matt Frewer. This review refers to an overlong Japanese video version that was released first, with an extra twenty minutes of footage.

SUPER HERO (1979) See: BRUCE THE SUPER HERO

SUPER HYBRID See: HYBRID

THE SUPER INFRAMAN See: INFRAMAN

SUPER JUNK See: TRUE GORE

SUPER KING KONG See: A*P*E

SUPER KONG See: APE

SUPER MAGNUM See: DEATH WISH 3

SUPERMAN (1978 UK) D: RICHARD DONNER W: MARIO PUZO/DAVID NEWMAN/LESLIE NEWMAN/ ROBERT BENTON/TOM MANKIEWICZ P: ALEXANDER SALKIND/PIERRE SPENGLER/RICHARD LESTER Marlon Brando foresees a disaster on the planet Krypton, so sends his only son to Earth for protection. The kid grows up to be mild-mannered Daily Globe reporter Clark Kent, alias man-of-steel Superman (Christopher Reeve). Gene Hackman is archvillain Lex Luthor and Margot Kidder is Lois Lane. A big deal in its day, with a bigger budget than had ever gone before, it can be seen to be sadly lacking in imagination today. In its favour, though, it’s very long but never gets boring. With Ned Beatty, Glenn Ford, Jackie Cooper, Terence Stamp, Trevor Howard, Valerie Perrine, Jack O’Halloran, Maria Schell, Susannah York, Harry Andrews, John Stuart, Rex Reed, Larry Hagman, John Ratzenberger, Kirk Alyn, Bruce Boa, Noel Neill and a Donner bit-part. The score is by John Williams.

SUPERMAN 2 (1980 UK) D: RICHARD LESTER/ RICHARD DONNER W: MARIO PUZO/DAVID AND LESLIE NEWMAN P: PIERRE SPENGLER This sequel (started by an uncredited Donner, completed by Lester) begins with lots of footage from the original. Terence Stamp looks silly as the leader of a trio of villains exiled from Krypton who come to cause trouble on Earth. Kidder briefly discovers Superman Reeve’s secret identity. It has a destructive fight scenes on the streets of New York. Hackman, Beatty, Cooper, York, Ratzenberger, Perrine, O’Halloran and Donner return, with E.G. Marshall, Shane Rimmer and Eugene Lipinski. It’s better than the original, I think, but still not very good.

SUPERMAN 3 (1983 US) D: RICHARD LESTER W: DAVID NEWMAN/LESLIE NEWMAN P: PIERRE SPANGLER Those who enjoyed the first two movies were appalled by this more comedic entry. I’m not a fan anyway, so it didn’t seem that bad to me. In fact in some (silly) ways it was more entertaining. Computer expert Richard Pryor (the main comic relief) works for villain Robert Vaughn and presents Christopher Reeve with some kryptonite that turns him bad (he straightens the leaning tower of Pisa). A good Clark Kent fights his evil alter ego in a confusing scene. With Annette O’Toole, Margot Kidder, Pamela Stephenson, Jackie Cooper, Graham Stark, Bob Todd, Shane Rimmer, Annie Ross (BASKET CASE 2) and Gavan O’Herlihy (DEATH WISH 3).

SUPERMAN 4: THE QUEST FOR PEACE (1987 UK) D: SIDNEY J. FURIE W: LAWRENCE KONNER/MARK ROSENTHAL/CHRISTOPHER REEVE P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORUM GLOBUS Laughable final sequel from Cannon is an anti-nuke fantasy in which the Man of Steel protests against nuclear arms. Gene Hackman returns as Lex Luthor, who creates an evil Superman clone. They fight on the Great Wall of China. With Sam Wanamaker, Jon Cryer, Margot Kidder, Marc McClure, William Hootkins, Jim Broadbent, Robert Beatty, Mac McDonald, Desmond Knight, Eugene Lipinski and Susannah York’s voice. A Superboy tv series followed, as did the hit Lois And Clark romance-drama masquerading as sci-fi crap. Almost twenty years later, SUPERMAN RETURNS appeared.

SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN (1951 US) D: LEE SHOLEM W/P: “RICHARD FIELDING” (ROBERT MAXWELL) P: BARNEY A. SARECKY Before appearing as Superman in the popular 1952-57 tv series ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN, George Reeves first took the role for this low-budget charmer from Lippert (also recycled as a double episode of the series. For more details, check out the book Forgotten Horrors 5: The Atom Age). Oil drilling that reaches the centre of the Earth (!?) results in “molemen” (midgets with big, bald foreheads, one is Billy Curtis) emerging. They don’t want trouble, but after humans try to kill them, they brandish a ray gun type thing. There’s no point in analysing or critiquing, it’s fun nostalgia all the way. With Phyllis Coates as Lois Lane, Jeff Corey, Walter Reed, J. Farrell MacDonald, Stanley Andrews, Harry Harvey, Byron Foulger, Hal K. Dawson, Margia Dean, Frank Reicher, Ray Walker and Phil Warren. Just 58 b/w mins. Other episodes of the subsequent tv series were later strung together to make “features” through the 50s: SUPERMAN FLIES AGAIN, SUPERMAN AND THE JUNGLE DEVILS, SUPERMAN IN EXILE, SUPERMAN IN SCOTLAND YARD and SUPERMAN’S PERIL. There was even the last gasp stitch-up SUPERMAN in 1973.

SUPER MARIO BROS. (1993 US UK) D: ROCKY MORTON/ANNABEL JANKEL/DEAN SEMLER (uncredited) D/P: ROLAND JOFFE (uncredited) W: PARKER BENNETT/TERRY RUNTE/ED SOLOMON P: JAKE EBERTS Italian American Brooklynite plumbers Mario (Bob Hoskins) and Luigi (John Leguizamo) follow pretty archaeology student/princess Samantha Mathis through an underground portal to a parallel dimension where evil King Koopa (Dennis Hopper) rules the only liveable futuristic city left in a desolate world. Fiona Shaw helps him try to join our worlds into one in this critically mauled flop based on a hit Nintendo video game(s). No-need for reappraisal, this does indeed suck just as bad as you’ve heard. With Fisher Stevens, Richard Edson, Mojo Nizon, Lance Henriksen, Mark Jeffrey Miller, narration by Dan Castellanata and dino-men monsters.

SUPERMEN AGAINST THE ORIENT (three supermen vs the orient; the three fantastic supermen in the orient; crash che botte!; sei wong yat hau; ji wang yi hous) (1974 ITL HK) D/W: BITTO ALBERTINI W: GINA CAPONE The overzealous and embarrassing opening rock theme gives you a good idea of how ridiculous this superhero/spy action comedy is going to be. But completists will most definitely want to check out Lo Lieh in his bullet-resistant cape. With Shih Szu, Sal Borgese, Jacques Dufhilo, Alberto Farnese and some of the most God-awful comedy you’re likely to see. Some sources claim Jackie Chan was a stuntman, but the bootleg copy I saw was of such bad quality that I couldn’t really tell.

SUPERNATURAL (1933 US) D/P: VICTOR HALPERIN W: HARVEY THEW/BRIAN MARLOW P: EDWARD HALPERIN Ruth Rogan (Vivienne Osborne) strangled three men to death during a “riotous orgy” at her Greenwich Village apartment, according to newspaper headlines. She laughs throughout her trial montage, goads the judge and says, “Men? I hate the whole breed!” She wants a phony spiritualist (Alan Dinehart) to visit her before her execution and prove her innocence, but he’s too busy plotting to swindle money from wealthy Carole Lombard, whose twin brother has just died. He even goes so far as to sneak into a funeral home and take a death mask of the dead man to use at a séance. Rogan is executed, but scientist H.B. Warner (who has a penthouse laboratory) keeps the body for experiments and to “prevent her personality from escaping” (!). But Rogan manages to somehow possess Lombard (close-ups of her eyes are like those of Bela Lugosi’s in the Halperin classic WHITE ZOMBIE) for revenge. All-in-all there’s quite a bit going on for 64 b/w mins. With Randolph Scott as Lombard’s concerned boyfriend, Beryl Mercer, William Farnum, Willard Robertson, Eddy Chandler, Alec B. Francis, Frank O’Connor and opening quotes from Confucius, Mohammed and the Bible! Sydney Salkow was the dialogue editor for this vintage oddity.

SUPERNATURAL BEAST CITY See: WICKED CITY (1987)

THE SUPERNATURALS (1985 US) D: ARMAND MASTROIANNI W/P: MICHAEL S. MURPHEY/JOEL SOISSON National Guard trainees (led by Nichelle Nichols) are attacked by vengeful Confederate soldier zombies while on manoeuveres in the Alabama woods. With Maxwell Caulfield, Talia Balsam and LeVar Burton. Nothing good happens.

THE SUPER NINJA (ninja force)(1984 TAI) D: WU KUO JEN P: CHANG SHIN HING Alexander Lo Rei is an honest cop in what’s supposed to be America. He’s set up on a drug charge by his corrupt boss. Five element ninjas are after an anti-drug addiction formula that’s threatening their business. Ok, so it’s no classic, but I’m a sucker for cheap ninja-in-modern-day-setting movies from the 80s, and this is better than most. My favourite parts were when Jack Long turns up to explain the ninja’s techniques, and Lo Rei as a white ninja running along the beach. Black and Chinese characters discuss how this is a “white man’s world”. The director (who married Angela Mao) also made NINJA HUNTER. Shu Ke Yung and Wang Quiang are credited with the choreography.

SUPER NINJAS (five element ninjas; chinese super ninjas; ng dun yan sui; wu dun ren shu) (1982 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: MONA FONG The Venoms star in yet another patriotic Chang Cheh China vs Japan kung fu stormer. They must learn the five element style to defeat golden Ninjas. Skilful choreography (by Chiang Sheng, Lu Feng and Chu Koui) and cartoonish carnage (some guy keeps fighting after his guts have spilled out) make this a lot of fun, if not among Cheh’s true classics. With Lo Meng, Michael Chan Wai Man and Chan Shen.

SUPERNOVA (2000 US) D: “THOMAS LEE” (WALTER HILL/FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA/JACK SHOLDER/GEOFFREY WRIGHT) W: DAVID CAMPBELL WILSON/WILLIAM MALONE W/P: DANIEL CHUBA P: ASH R. SHAH/JAMIE DIXON A medical spaceship answers a distress call emitting from a mining planet light years away. During a dangerous “dimension jump” (fairly trippy visuals on a big-screen, I would imagine), Captain Robert Forster (who watches Tom and Jerry cartoons) dies, so exfighter pilot James Spader (miscast as a tough guy) takes over. The rest of the crew are Angela Bassett, Wilson Cruz and horny lovers Robin Tunney and Lou Diamond Phillips. They end up rescuing scavenger Peter Facinelli who’s found some kind of strange, powerful alien entity that’s turned him into an unstoppable killing machine. Despite many derivative elements, this is a pretty exciting, decent space thriller, but is never fully satisfying (I suspect because of a “too many cooks” kinda thing). Hill did most of the work, though. Is Lee the new Alan Smithee?

SUPER RAPE See: RAPED BY AN ANGEL

SUPER SISTERS See: THE BLACK BUNCH

SUPERSNOOPER (super fuzz; red omega; miami supercop; trinity: good guys, bad guys; poliziotto superpiu) (1981 ITL) D/W: SERGIO CORBUCCI W: SABATINO CIUFFINI P: JOSI W. CONSKI Terence Hill is Miami cop Dave Speed on death row for the fourth time after all other attempts at killing him fail. He narrates the story of how the fallout from an atomic bomb test left him with on/off superpowers. He can fly, run real fast, see through walls, is invincible and has telekinetic powers. Ernest Borgnine is his partner who doesn’t believe him (and gets annoyed and yells a lot like only Borgnine can). Marc Lawrence is the mob boss behind a counterfeiting ring. It’s all pretty silly, with some terrible FX, but how can you dislike a feel-good superhero comedy with Hill, Borgnine and Lawrence from the director of DJANGO? With Joanne Dru as Lawrence’s moll/ex-silent movie star who Borgnine adores. This review refers to the 100 mins version, but there are slightly shorter prints around.

SUPERSTITION (the witch) (1981 CAN) D: JAMES W. ROBERSON W: DONALD GALEN THOMPSON/BRAD WHITE/BRET THOMPSON PLATE/MICHAEL O. SAIBEL P: ED CARLIN An alcoholic priest’s family moves into a haunted old house where murders occur. An ancient witch is the cause. Slow-moving and not scary, the best part being death by bouncing rotorsaw. With Albert Salmi and Stacy Keach Sr.

SUPERSTITION (superfire) (2001 UK LUX NETH) D: KENNETH HOPE W: PAUL HOFFMAN/KATE DENNIS/ STEPHEN VOLK P: BOB HUBAR/DENNIS WIGMAN An opening disclaimer explains that this one’s based on actual events, but is fictitious. Sienna Guillory is a 19-year-old nanny in Italy who’s put on trial for arson and manslaughter (Alice Krige’s baby died in the fire). Mark Strong is her widowed defence attorney who has difficulty accepting that the troubled girl channels some kind of psychic energy that results in psychokinesis. David Warner is the judge, Frances Barber is the defence attorney, Charlotte Rampling is a psychiatrist nun and Derek de Lint is a scorned physician who believes in such things. It begins intriguingly and the performances are very good, but it’s all so reserved and wrapped up with a neat and tidy conclusion that it gets stifling. Bland. Hoffman also wrote THE WISDOM OF THE CROCODILES.

SUPERVIXENS (1975 US) D/W/P: RUSS MEYER A cartoonish classic from Meyer. A young mechanic’s demanding girlfriend breaks up with him and is then beaten and killed by chauvinistic psycho cop Charles Napier. Now the prime suspect, he hits the road for a series of encounters with men who have large-breasted nymphomaniac partners. Just when things seem to be settling down, Napier turns up again with a bunch of dynamite for the amazing, exciting climax. No one else makes ‘em like this. Essential. With Uschi Digard, Sharon Kelly, Henry Rowland, John Lazar, Stuart Lancaster, Haji and Meyer. UP! followed.

SURF 2: THE END OF THE TRILOGY (1982 US) D/W: RANDALL BADAT P: GEORGE G. BRAUNSTEIN/ RON HAMADY Eddie Deezen is a geek (isn’t he always?) scientist who creates Buzz Cola, which turns surfers (including Eric Stoltz) into zombies. This Troma-style sex and bad-taste comedy might keep you entertained if you’re in a less discriminating mood. The most memorable part is a toxic waste eating contest. With Cleavon Little, Lyle Waggoner, Lucinda Dooley/Dickey and Brinke Stevens. There is no SURF 1.

SURFER DUDES (1985 US) D/P: TONY MILLER W: T.J. PENDERFAST/LEE S. DREW Unbelievably dull micro-budget production set in Hawaii deals with an ugly surfer’s personal problems leading up to the big “pipeline” contest. His alcoholic photographer brother ignores his wife and seduces other girls in a hot tub. A radio DJ is heard often cracking lousy jokes.

SURF NAZIS MUST DIE (1987 US) D/W: PETER GEORGE W: JON AYRE P: ROBERT TINNELL Nazi surfers take over the beaches of LA after a devastating earthquake. They fight rival surf gangs and kill some innocent people. After one guy ends up dead, his senior citizen mother buys some weapons, jumps on a motorcycle and takes her revenge. This lowbudget bore (shot in California and Hawaii) with a memorable title was released by Troma. Bobbie Bresee has a small part.

SURF TERROR See: MONSTER FROM THE SURF THE SURGEON See: EXQUISITE TENDERNESS

SURGIKILL (1989 US) D/W: ANDY MILLIGAN W: SHERMAN HIRSH/SID CAPLAN (uncredited) EXEC P: JOHN VAN HARLINGEN I’ve read Jimmy McDonough’s excellent book (The Ghastly One) on the filmmaker Andy Milligan, and as a result have learnt to find some unique points of interest in some of his films (it can be a chore). But there is no way in hell I’m rewatching Milligan’s final film, an unbearable slapstick black comedy about a killer in a hospital. Everything on the shrieking, unfunny, annoying level is turned up to 11. Porno vet Joey Silvera appears (under a pseudonym). Charles Beasely was assistant cameraman.

THE SURROGATE (1995 US) D: JAN EGLESON D/W: RAYMOND HARTUNG W: ELISA BELL P: HUGH SPENCER PHILLIPS Alyssa Milano is a struggling art student who rooms with a childless couple who ask her to be a surrogate mother for their child. Of course they have a dark secret in their pasts. So-so tv movie thriller is far from the worst of its type and may pass your time without any pain. With David Dukes, Lorena Gale, Nathaniel DeVeaux, Roger R. Cross, Tom Heaton and Claire Riley.

SURROGATES (vicarious; clones) (2009 US) D: JONATHAN MOSTOW W: JOHN D. BRANCATO/MICHAEL FERRIS P: DAVID HOBERMAN/TODD LIEBERMAN/ MAX HANDELMAN In the near future, most people have become lazy shut-ins who live their lives vicariously through Surrogates, good-looking superhuman robots which they plug into remotely. When someone starts frying surrogates with a weapon that also kills the hosts, clichéd traumatised cop Bruce Willis (his surrogate has a nice neat haircut) investigates. The expected conspiracy is revealed. With Radha Mitchell as his partner, Rosamund Pike his wife, Ving Rhames as the Rasta-like anti-surrogate “Prophet”, James Cromwell, Boris Kodjoe and James Francis (son of Robert) Ginty. Utterly ridiculous and sometimes laughable, it’s also a highly enjoyable, surreal sci-fi soap opus that at times seems almost David Lynch-like (whether by accident or design is unclear). I liked it. Based on a graphic novel by Robert Venditti and Brett Weldele. From the director of TERMINATOR 3 (which also had the same screenwriters).

SURVEILLANCE (2001) See: AntiTrust

SURVEILLANCE (2007 US GER CAN) D/W: JENNIFER LYNCH W/P: KENT HARPER P: DAVID MICHAELS/ MARCO MERHLITZ FBI agents Bill Pullman and Julia Ormond turn up at a small-town police station (where Michael Ironside is captain) to oversee a mass murder investigation. Screenwriter Harper (who’s very good) is one of the hostile domestic officers. It’s best to go into this one knowing as little as possible. Seriously weird (without tipping over into contrivance), pitch-black funny and unpredictable and disturbing, it’s a major improvement over the director’s BOXING HELENA. Her father David was the executive producer, and sings (!) during the end credits (for more Lynch music, may I recommend the LP Crazy Clown Time). The Violent Femmes are also heard. With Pell James and Caroline Aaron. Highly recommended.

SURVEY MAP OF A PARADISE LOST (hard focus: eavesdrop; hard focus: nusumi-giki; shitsu rakeun sokuryo o chizu) (1988 JPN) D: HISYASU SATO Sato’s best films are extremely minimal, almost trance-like descents into dot-to-dot nightmares of urban depravity, hidden urban myth worlds (comparable to the lure of snuff movie lore). Dark fairy tales for adults. This is just such a film, about a telephone operator (Kazuhiro Sano) on an investigation that leads him to an SM relationship with a very young “telephone club” girl… and beyond (I won’t spoil the wild ending). There are some great explicit sex scenes. With Kyomi Ito and some interesting repetitive music. Bear in mind that this recommendation of Sato’s work is a result of culminative thinking after watching a number of his films. This one alone might not get you hooked. Apologies for the horrible abstract review, it’s the best I can do. He may not have made the best films, but I’m starting to believe that, collectively, Sato was the most progressive, vital and representative (cutting-edge) filmmaker of the 80s and 90s. Shame that most of the world didn’t get access to (only some of) his work until recently. He is a figure to inspire obsessive behaviour.

SURVIVAL RUN See: DAMNATION ALLEY

SURVIVAL SHOOT See: CUT AND RUN

SURVIVING EVIL (hell island) (2009 UK S.AFR) D/W: TERENCE DAW P: ANTON ERNST/MALCOLM KOHLL/DAVID PUPKEWITZ A tv crew arrives on a small Filipino island (actually a lovely location in South Africa) to film a jungle survival Bear Gryllstype show with Billy Zane (who’s badly cast). A local tribe turn out to be Aswang, flesh-eating, longhaired jungle ghouls who can shape-shift and fly (this scene reminded me of THE TWILIGHT PEOPLE). They actually look pretty cool and scary, but unfortunately they’re stuck in this slow, uneventful nonscary bore of a movie. Natalie Jackson Mendoza (from THE DESCENT movies) co-stars (and looks great in a bikini), and Joel Torre is their guide looking for long-buried Japanese gold. “Aswang” seems to be a catch-all word like “ghoul”, “beast” or “demon” in Filipino folklore, and a number of Philippine Aswang movies seem to have little in common. Another non-Philippine (American) Aswang movie is ASWANG (1993). THE BLOOD DRINKERS (1964) was also an Aswang movie.

SURVIVING THE GAME (1994 US) D: ERNEST DICKERSON W: ERIC BERNT P: DAVID PERMUT/ FRED C. CARUSO Ice T is a homeless guy ready to kill himself in the city who’s hired by Rutger Hauer to be a wilderness guide for a bunch of bloodthirsty ex-CIA hunters (including the always intense Gary Busey). Of course it turns out that he himself is the prey in this MOST DANGEROUS GAME copy. Not bad of its type. With Charles S. Dutton, F. Murray Abraham, John C. McGinley, William McNamara, Jeff Corey and Bob Minor.

THE SURVIVOR (1996) See: FOREST WARRIOR THE SURVIVOR (star crystal 2) (1997 US PUE) D: NICK DAVIS W: CHUCK KONZELMAN/CARY SOLOMON P: PATRICK D. CHOI/NILE NIAMI/ GREGORY VANGER A futuristic space station is attacked by rebels so senator Richard Herd, his grandson and aid (Lisa Robin Kelly) end up on a dying, jungle-infested Earth which has been turned into a penal colony. Richard Moll is Herd’s long-lost criminal son who rules over a barbaric society that’s established itself. The other danger is a tribe of savages who kill “outsiders”. Irritating and just plain boring in equal measures. With Stewart Finlay-McLennan. The screenwriters were both also associate producers. The director usually works as a visual FX supervisor on big movies like HARRY POTTER.

SURVIVORS (1975-77 UK) Created by regular Doctor Who writer Terry Nation, this superior tv sci-fi drama about a virus that kills most of the world’s population ran for 38 episodes across three seasons. It’s fondly remembered by those who grew up watching it on the BBC and has picked up more fans since its release on dvd. The first series is the best, it begins to wear a little thin after that. McCulloch was a regular, and guest stars included Peter Bowles, Roger Lloyd-Pack, Philip Madoc, Patrick Troughton, Brian Blessed and Bryan Pringle. A 2008 remake series was rather duller.

THE SUSPECT (jidu zhongfan) (1998 HK) D/W: RINGO LAM W: W.K. LAU P: CUL SONG MING A Chinese assassin incarcerated in the Philippines (Louis Koo) finds himself free of the death penalty and released early for good behaviour as the political climate on the outside changes. But as soon as he’s out he’s set up for a political assassination that he refuses to take part in, but is framed for anyway. Fans of Lam’s previous movie FULL ALERT didn’t expect this kind of political action thriller, but it’s pretty good of its type, with some impressive large-scale action set pieces. With Simon Yam, Julian Cheung, Ray Lui and Johnny Cheung Wa. The action was choreographed by Phlip Ko, and Bosco Lam and Tommy Lee were assistant directors. Lam tried something different again next with VICTIM (1999).

SUSPICION (1941 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: SAMSON RAPHAELSON/JOAN HARRISON/ALMA REVILLE Joan Fontaine suspects her smooth-talking, fast-walking gambler husband Cary Grant of embezzlement and murder in one of Hitchcock’s weaker films, based on Anthony Berkeley’s novel Before the Fact. The ending is a real anticlimactic let-down. With Cedric Hardwicke, Nigel Bruce, Leo G. Carroll, Isabel Jeans, Billy Bevan, Reginald Sheffield, Lumsden Hare, Leonard Carey, Clyde Cook, Alec Craig, Edward Fielding, Doris Lloyd and Aubrey Mather. It was remade in 1987.

SUSPIRIA (1977 ITL) D/W: DARIO ARGENTO W: DARIA NICOLODI P: CLAUDIO ARGENTO Argento’s most famous feature stars Jessica Harper as a new student at a German all-girl boarding school. It turns out that a coven of witches runs the place. A little plot goes a long way due to the atmospheric lighting and music (by Goblin). A sense of dread looms over everything, culminating in vicious murders (though not as brutal as some of Argento’s later offerings). A blind man’s guide dog even rips his throat out. It’s not the masterpiece you’ve been told, but it’s pretty good and worth seeing on a big-screen. With Stefania Casini, Udo Kier, Alida Valli (EYES WITHOUT A FACE), and Joan Bennett. INFERNO (1980) could be considered a kind of sequel. Incidentally, this is one of many giallos that has a scene of box-stacking as a means to escape a killer through a window, originally found in Fulci’s A LIZARD IN A WOMAN’S SKIN. This admittedly adds a fine sick-gag twist to it, though.

SUSPIRIA NIGHTMARE See: DARK WATERS

SUSPIRIA, PART 2 See: DEEP RED

SUSPIRIA 2000 See: FATAL FRAMES

SWALLOWTAIL BUTTERFLY (1996 JPN) D/W: SHUNJI IWAI P: SHINYA KAWAI There’s a lot going on in this cult favourite, but the main storyline is as follows. Ayumi Ito is a young girl who’s cared for by prostitute Chara (a very popular idol singer) and her boyfriend Hiroshi Mikami after her mother dies. A client who gets rough with Chara is accidentally killed (very funny scene) and our trio discover a cassette of Frank Sinatra’s My Way on his body. They discover that the tape has the information stored to alter the magnetic coding of a ¥1,000 bill to a ¥10,000 bill. They rake in the money via vending machine change and open a club where Chara sings. But gangster associates of the dead guy want their cassette back. But like I said, there’s more to it than that. Set in a futuristic Tokyo called Yentown where people speak a mixture of Japanese, Chinese and English, it’s a funny, clever, exciting and touching action movie satire with many memorable scenes and great photography from Iwai regular Noboru Shinada. It’s really nothing more than the old “money can’t buy you happiness” message at heart, though. With Tomoroh Taguchi, Mickey Curtis, Yosuke Eguchi, Atsuro Watabe, Nene Otsuka, Kaori Momoi, Yoriko Douguchi, Tetsu Watanabe, Kenji Kohashi, Hua Rong Wong, Chris Peppler and a sickeningly realistic shot of a guy’s jaw collapsing after being shot in the mouth. Iwai turned it into a novel, too.

SWAMP COUNTRY (1966 US) D/P: ROBERT PATRICK W: DAVID DALIE A woman is strangled in the Swamper Motel along the banks of Georgia’s Okefenokee swamp. The chief suspect (writer Dalie, who directed 1964’s THE MIGHTY JUNGLE which Patrick produced) runs away from the police, and due, to being a jungle survival expert, manages to hide out in the extensive boglands despite the dangers. Sheriff Rex Allen and Deputy Lyle Waggoner launch a manhunt. Meanwhile, a talented but idle guitarist and crooner (Baker Knight, who wrote Lonesome Town and does some very good numbers here, including I’m A Misfit and the title song) is kidnapped by Italian American gangsters (!) who threaten to chop off his fingers. Sue Casey plays the mother of the girl torn between Allen and Knight. The rambling but engaging story (with great use of authentic location work) eventually reaches a surprise ending as Dalie clears his name and the girl chooses her man. With Ted Gehring, George Ellis (of BLOOD BEAST OF MONSTER MOUNTAIN), stereotyped cowardly blacks and Jimmy Walker and The Swampers backing Knight at the local barn dance. Available in widescreen (!) on a recommended Something Weird dvd double billed with SWAMP GIRL (along with choice trailers for ALLIGATOR PEOPLE, ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES, SCUM OF THE EARTH (POOR WHITE TRASH II) and STING OF DEATH, and the great documentary short SWAMP BUGGY RACE, shot in Naples, Florida.

SWAMP DIAMONDS See: SWAMP WOMEN

SWAMP GIRL (1971 US) D/P: DON DAVIS W/P: JAY KULP/JACK VAUGHN Country crooner Ferlin Husky plays a swamp ranger who discovers a scantily clad blonde (cute Simone Griffeth, also in DEATH RACE 2000) living in the Okefenokee swamp. She lives with her “pa”, a black man who tells her a mind-boggling story in flashback about how she came to be raised there, via a childhood at a backwards drunken abortionist who sold kids to white slavers. A couple on the run for murder and worried parents trying to track the female of the two complicate matters in this enjoyable slice of swampsploitation nonsense complete with a little gore and catfish mud wrestling. Henning Schellerup was the second unit cameraman. It was the last of several movies directed by Davis, who started out working on Ed Wood’s pictures.

SWAMP OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS See: THE ALIEN DEAD

THE SWAMP OF THE LOST MONSTERS (el pantano de las animas) (1958 MEX) D: RAPHAEL BALEDON W: RAMON OBON P: ALFRED RIPSTEIN JR. Gaston Santos was a cowboy hero along with his dancing horse Moonlight (who briefly struts his stuff here) in a series of south-of-the-border quickies. This is the second after LA FLECHA ENVENENADA (I think). It’s a mystery involving a missing corpse and a silly but fun man-in-a-suit Gill-man monster with a big head that stalks. There’s too much unfunny comedy, but it’s a passable time-filler. With Manola Saavera, Manuel Donde, Pedro de Aguillon, Lupe Carriles, Hernan Vera and José Dupeyron. K. Gordon Murray decided that North Americans had to see this nonsense, so released an English-dubbed version in 1964. Santos was also in the non-westerns THE BLACK PIT OF DR. M and THE LIVING COFFIN.

SWAMP SHARK (flying jaws) (2010 US) D: G.E. FURST W: JENNIFER IWEN P: KEN BADISH/DANIEL LEWIS Corrupt sheriff Robert Davi is responsible for a contrivance of events that leads to a shark being released into the swamps of Louisiana, just in time for the annual Gator Fest! Restaurant owner Kristy Swanson and her family hunt the CGI beast. These recent Syfy related releases are rarely as fun as they seem to think they are, and this is about as good/bad, watchable/forgettable as the next. With D.B. Sweeney, Jeff Chase and former baseball pro Wade Boggs. Furst also made LAKE PLACID 3.

THE SWAMP THING (1982 US) D/W: WES CRAVEN P: MICHAEL E. USLAN/BENJAMIN MELNIKER Scientist Ray Wise is blasted into and fuses with the swamps of Louisiana, becoming the title creature in this mediocre adaption of a Marvel comic book (created by Lee Wein and Bernie Wrightson) that does have its moments for horror, sci-fi and comic book fans. The monster is played by Dick Durock, who returned along with villain Louis Jordan (who also turns into a monster) in THE RETURN OF THE SWAMP THING. With Adrienne Barbeau, David Hess, Nicholas Worth and Karen Price.

SWAMP VIRGIN (untamed fury) (1947 US) D/P: EWING SCOTT An old black man (Leigh Whipper) narrates this one-hour swamp melodrama from PRC to a writer looking for inspiration. Gaylord (or Steve) Pendleton is a civil engineer who returns to his backwoods home in the Okefenokee to map the area. Mikel Conrad (THE FLYING SAUCER) is Gator Bait, his childhood rival and swamp man whose father used him as a bait to catch alligators. A love triangle sets off an old rivalry. I was quite impressed by this ahead-of-its-time b/w programmer (it predates BAYOU/POOR WHITE TRASH by a decade) and surprised that dangerous-looking stunts appear to involve real, live alligators. With E.G. Marshall at a barn dance.

SWAMP WOMEN (swamp diamonds; cruel swamp) (1955 US) D: ROGER CORMAN W: DAVID STERN P: BERNARD WOOLNER This essential early Corman flick (for fans at least) was made for The Woolner Bros, not ARC/AIP. Marie Windsor stars as an undercover cop who gains the trust of an imprisoned girl gang led by Beverly Garland and leads them on a jail break to find some hidden diamonds in the New Orleans bayou. Mike “Touch” Connors and his annoying, whining girlfriend are taken as hostages. It’s got great bad-girl dialogue and swamp atmosphere (it was shot in Louisiana). With Carol Mathews, Jonathan Haze and Ed Nelson.

THE SWAPPERS See: THE WIFE SWAPPERS

THE SWARM (1978 US) D/P: IRWIN ALLEN W: STIRLING SILLIPHANT African killer bees attack in this all-star cast insect disaster movie. Michael Caine heads the cast that includes Richard Widmark, Katharine Ross, Henry Fonda, Richard Chamberlain, Olivia de Hailland, Ben Johnson, Lee Grant, José Ferrer, Slim Pickens, Fred MacMurray, Bradford Dillman, Patty Duke, Alejandro Rey, Cameron Mitchell, Don Barry and Arthur Space. Some people hallucinate giant bees and lots die from stings in slow motion. Boring and bad entry in the killer insect subgenre. Based on Arthur Herzog’s 1974 novel, which had already prompted the (better) tv movie THE SAVAGE BEES (1976).

S.W.A.T. (2003 US) D: CLARK JOHNSON W: DAVID AYER/DAVID McKENNA RON MITA/ JIM McCLAIN P: DAN HALSTED/CHRIS LEE/ NEAL H. MORITZ Reasonably engaging bigbudget action time-waster about a SWAT team is loosely based on a tv series that debuted in 1975 (original series star Steve Forrest has a cameo). Samuel L. Jackson and Colin Farrell are the main stars, with Michelle Rodriguez, L.L. Cool J, Josh Charles, Jeremy Renner, Brian Van Holt, Olivier Martinez, Lucinda Jenney, Jay Acovone, Bridget “The Midget” Powers, Bruce Gray, Clark Johnson, Jeff Wincott, Ashley Scott, Philip Ahn, Rod Perry (THE BLACK GODFATHER!) and Moritz. S.W.A.T.: FIREFIGHT followed.

S.W.A.T.: FIREFIGHT (2010 US) D: BENNY BOOM W: REED STEINER/RANDY WALKER/MICHAEL ALBENESE/ ED ARNESON P: NEAL H. MORITZ/AMANDA LEWIS Dtv unrelated sequel to the 2003 bigbudget S.W.A.T. (itself based on an old tv series). Gabriel Macht stars as the team leader who has to train the Detroit SWAT unit up to current (paranoid post-9/11) standards. Psycho Robert Patrick is out to get him. Competent and not unwatchable, but forgettable junk you need not bother with. My guess is that Steiner’s final script takes a lot of liberties with the story material from a trio of real SWAT team veterans. With Giancarlo Esposito, Carly Pope, Shannon Kane and Kristanna Loken.

SWEENEY TODD (the tale of sweeney todd) (1997 US) D: JOHN SCHLESINGER W: PETER BUCKMAN/ PETER SHAW P: TED SWANSON Schlesinger’s historically accurate and political version of the demon barber story is pretty good. Ben Kingsley is the bitter ex-soldier turned barber who has a tongueless boy servant and a cellar full of rotting corpses that end up in meat pies courtesy of his lover/dominatrix Joanna Lumley. Campbell Scott is an American whose search for a dead jeweller in a convincingly cesspool-look London leads to Todd. With John Kavanagh and Peter Jeffrey. It was filmed in Ireland.

SWEENEY TODD, THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET (1936 UK) D: GEORGE KING W: FREDERICK HAYWARD/H.F. MALTBY After MARIA MARTEN, Tod Slaughter (the hammiest of glorious Grand Guignol-like hams) became the legendary homicidal hairdresser whose customers end up in meat pies. It’s not actually one of Slaughter’s best, but it’s difficult not to enjoy any of his (and King’s) creaky ripsnorters. With Bruce Seton, Aubrey Mallalieu and Ben Williams.

SWEEPERS (1997 US) D/W: “DARBY BLACK” (KEONI WAXMAN) W: KEVIN BERNDHART P: DANNY LERNER/ELIE SAMAHA Dolph Lundgren is a traumatised minesweeper defusing new “smart” mines that can detect motion and explode without contact. This politically correct action movie takes place in civil war-torn Angola and has many pleas for the end of the violence. So-so stuff, with Bruce Payne.

SWEET CANDY See: CANDY STRIPE NURSES

SWEET CHARLIE BABY See: THE SADIST

SWEET DIRTY TONY See: CUBA CROSSING

THE SWEET HEREAFTER (1997 CAN) D/W/P: ATOM EGOYAN P: CAMELIA FRIEBERG Egoyan’s arthouse hit that brought him wider recognition stars Ian Holm as a lawyer trying to prepare a lawsuit for a small town after the local school bus had an accident in which most of the town’s children died. It’s even slighter than Egoyan’s earlier work, never quite grabbing its ideas, just letting them drift. Based on a novel by Russell Banks. With Maury Chaykin, Bruce Greenwood, David Hemblen, Sarah Polley, Gabrielle Rue, Alberta Watson, Stephanie Morgenstern, Mychael Danna and Banks himself.

SWEET HOME (1989 JPN) D/W: KIYOSHI KUROSAWA P: SHOGO SAISHO Cross THE HAUNTING with Fulci’s THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY and you’ll get a vague idea of this film’s intention. Unfortunately it’s not as good as its influences. Tv producer Shingo Yamashiro, his small crew and his daughter (Nokko, former lead singer for Rebecca, a decade too old for her role) arrive at a crumbling old mansion to uncover a great artist’s final fresco. They also disturb a malevolent spirit which manifests itself with the aid of Dick Smith’s FX team. Mostly boring and badly paced, with badly judged light comic touches (and particularly annoying whimsical musical cues), the narrative occasionally stops dead for a pretty cool SFX set piece (by far the best thing about it). Juzo Itami (riding high on the success of his TAXING WOMAN movies) was executive producer, so no one could stop him casting himself in old-age makeup as a gas station attendant who has a long, pretentious singing scene. He also got to cast his wife Nobuko Miyamoto as the star (as usual). With Fukumi Kuroda, future newsreader Ichiro Furutachi (it was funny to watch him split in half and ooze gore, only a few minutes later to shut the video off and see him behind a desk reading the headlines on tv), Toru Masuoka and Noboru Mitani. Kurosawa (an unabashed Tobe Hooper fan) later honed his skills and directed his energy towards more creepy, concise gems like CURE. There was also a tie-in SWEET HOME Nintendo video game from Capcom.

THE SWEET HOUSE OF HORRORS (la dolce casa degli orrori) (1989 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: VINCENZO MANNINO/GIGLIOLA BATTAGLINI A wealthy couple return home to their big house to find a burglar in a balaclava. The intruder beats both their heads to a pulp (cue gore) and burns the bodies. The couple’s children return to the house with their new auntie and uncle guardians. They try to sell the house, but the spirits of the parents make sure that no one will buy it and don’t let the kids (who are happy to stay) and the scared and confused guardians leave. This tv movie is a bit like a low-budget Disney fantasy with violence and a synth soundtrack. It’s not very good but may be of interest to Fulci completists. Vernon Dobtcheff is the exorcist. I think it was filmed back to back with THE HOUSE OF CLOCKS.

SWEET SIXTEEN (1974) See: HOT TIMES

SWEET SIXTEEN (1982 US) D/P: JIM SOTOS W: ERWIN GOLDMAN People are being found mutilated by ancient Native American knives in a small Texas town. The redneck locals are quick to blame the Indians, but all victims seem connected to a teen high school girl popular with boys. This slasher-cum-mystery has some potential and an offbeat story, but is not too exciting. Bo Hopkins is the sheriff (again), with Susan Strasberg, Don Stroud, Michael Pataki, Patrick Macnee and Larry Storch. Sotos also made FORCED ENTRY (1975).

SWEET SUGAR (captive women 3; hellfire on ice; she devils in chains; chaingang girls) (1972 US) D: MICHEL LEVESQUE W: STEPHANIE ROTHMAN/DON SPENCER P: CHARLES S. SWARTZ Buxom Phyllis Davis (from Rothman’s TERMINAL ISLAND) is Sugar, framed for pot smoking and who ends up cutting sugar cane at a Costa Rican plantation with other hot, degraded chicks in cut-offs. With rape, bizarre medical experiments (one involving a load of wild cats being thrown around), torture and murder, it’s only a matter of time before a bunch of pissed off, liberated women with machetes are going to take revenge. With some voodoo hoodoo, comic relief guards trying to get laid and fun, trashy dialogue, this becomes a rather enjoyable tropical women-in-prison outing (Spencer had also written the classic THE BIG DOLL HOUSE). Timothy Brown, James Whitworth and José Luis Jiminéz are in the cast. Levesque also made the underrated WEREWOLVES ON WHEELS. Rothman, Swartz and Spencer had previously collaborated on STUDENT NURSES.

SWEET SWEETBACK’S BAADASSSSS SONG (1970 US) D/W/P: MELVIN VAN PEEBLES P: JERRY GROSS Although there had been earlier (and better) black action features, this (along with SHAFT) really started the phenomenon proper. It doesn’t have much of a plot, as Sweetback (Peebles) is chased for a crime he didn’t commit and kills a cop who beats up a black revolutionary. Seeing Peebles run and run and run and run some more is not particularly entertaining, and the underground filming techniques (split-screen, solarisation etc.) are pretty dated. The best part is the opening scene of Sweetback as a kid in a whorehouse. With John Amos, Mario and Megan Van Peebles and Joe Tornatore. Mario later directed his dad’s PANTHER screenplay about black revolutionaries and made the SWEETBACK homage, HOW TO GET THE MAN’S FOOT OUTTA YOUR BAADASSSSS.

SWEET VIOLENT TONY See: CUBA CROSSING

SWIMFAN (pool) (2002 US) D: JOHN POLSON W: CHARLES F. BOHL/PHILLIP SCHNEIDER P: JOSEPH M. CARACCIOLO JR./JOHN PELOTTI/ALLISON LYON SEGAN Jesse Bradford (CLOCKSTOPPERS) is a reformed delinquent high school senior and swimmer on the verge of going pro, that is until he fucks the new transfer girl (Erika Christensen) who then proceeds to stalk him and later (when he rejects her) ruin his life. Shiri Appleby is the nice girlfriend in danger, but only one person gets killed (Clayne Crawford) in this light, formulaic teen FATAL ATTRACTION retread. With Dan Hedaya, Jason Ritter and James DeBello. Fisher Stevens was an executive producer.

SWINGER’S MASSACRE (inside amy) (1975 US) D/P: RONALD V. GARCIA W: HELENE ARTHUR A lawyer who wants to ball other chicks convinces his attractive wife to go to a swingers’ club called Filthy McNasty’s, and later to a wife-swapping party. He can’t get it up and is made fun of, but his wife is a hit with the other men and gets really into the lifestyle. He flips out and kills other guys in various ways. This extremely slow-moving, low-budget obscurity never really pays off with either sex or violence, but is fairly well done. Too long, though. With Renee Bond, Uschi Digart, Marsha Jordan, Anne Perry and Gary Kent. Garcia also made THE TOY BOX.

SWING PARADE OF 1946 (1946 US) D: PHIL KARLSON W: TIM RYAN/NICHOLAS RAY/EDMOND KELSO P: LINDSEY PARSONS/HARRY A. ROMM A down-on-her-luck wannabe singer (Gale Storm) gets kicked out of her boarding house but becomes a star at a new nightclub owned by Phil Regan, whose wealthy father (Russell Hicks) is trying to shut it down. The reasons you may want to watch this b/w musical comedy are The Three Stooges (Larry, Curly and Moe) as clumsy (of course) oddjob men/waiters who work at the club, and the supercool Louis Jordan performing the great folk song Caledonia while his band’s instruments light up in the dark (it’s a wonderful scene). With Ed Brophy, Connee Boswell, The Will Osbourne Orchestra, Mary Treen, John Eldredge, Leon Belasco, Nell Craig, Edward Earle, Edna Holland, Robert Homans, Ruth Lee, Wilbur Mack, Dewey Robinson and Emmett Vogan. Stooges fanatics should note that this Monogram quickie is the only time Moe had light hair (!). And also note the early screenwriting credit for Ray.

SWIRI (shiri) (1999 S.KOR) D/W: JE-GYU KANG P: MOO-RIM BYUN/KWAN-HAK LEE Suk-kyu Han and Min-sik Choi topline this immensely popular action thriller about North Korean terrorists with a powerful liquid explosive indistinguishable from water. The plot also involves the hunt for a female assassin. While nothing special, it’s a pretty good popcorn movie and it’s refreshing to see Third World politics integrated by filmmakers more familiar with the intricacies than Hollywood. What makes it important, though, is that it was the first Korean movie to gain international recognition, helping to kickstart the country’s now thriving cinema culture. With Yoon-jin Kim and Derek Kim.

SWITCH (1991 US) D/W: BLAKE EDWARDS P: TONY ADAMS A male chauvinist advertising executive is killed by scorned women, goes to Purgatory and is sent back to Earth in the body of Ellen Barkin. Pretty unfunny fantasy comedy with Jimmy Smits, JoBeth Williams, Lorraine Bracco, Tony Roberts, Bruce Payne as the Devil, Lysette Anthony, Catherine Keener and Tea Leoni. It’s an uncredited remake of Roberta Findlay’s porno ANGEL ON FIRE!

SWITCHBLADE ROMANCE See: HAUTE TENSION

SWITCHBLADE SISTERS (the jezebels; playgirl gang) (1975 US) D/W: JACK HILL W: F.X. MAILER W/P: JOHN PRIZIER Robbie Lee is great as the leader of tough girl gang The Dagger Debs, the female extension of the Silver Daggers gang who pimp girls out in the school toilet. An equally tough loner gets drawn into the gang when they save her from a “fat pig dyke” warden at a juvenile hall. The involving Shakespearean plot revolves around a rivalry with another gang invading their turf. A roller rink shoot-out and a street battle with armoured cars (in association with black girl revolutionaries) are highlights, but there’s plenty of (implied) nastiness and great tough dialogue. With Lenny Bruce’s daughter Kitty. Tak Fujimoto did second unit camerawork. Hill made only one more film, SORCERESS in 1982.

SWORD AND THE DRAGON (the epic hero and the beast; ilya mourometz; ilja muromets) (1956 SVU) D: ALEKSANDR PTUSHKO W: MIKHAIL KUCHNEV P: D. VYATICH-BEREJNIKH An 11th century Soviet folk hero, Ilya Mourometz (Boris Andreyev), is the subject of this colourful epic fantasy released abroad (with additional intro featuring Paul Frees) by Valiant Films. It has cool monsters and could easily rival many similar American SINBAD-style pictures (coincidentally, Ptushko had previously made a film that was released in English as THE MAGIC VOYAGE OF SINBAD). With Abdrei Abrikosov and Mikhail Pugoukin. Ptushko followed with the equally impressive THE DAY THE EARTH FROZE.

THE SWORD AND THE SORCEROR (magic quest) (1982 US) D/W: ALBERT PYUN W: TOM KARNOWSKI/ JOHN V. STUCKMEYER P: BRANDON and MARIANNE CHASE A swashbuckling hero must save the kingdom from the evil Titus Cromwell (Richard Lynch) in this kinda ok fantasy adventure. The best part is the opening scene with an ancient demon rising from a coffin of blood. As average as all this is, it’s still way better than the crap Pyun made later (this was his debut). A sequel is announced at the end but was never made. A stuntman missed an air bag and died during the shoot in 81. With Simon MacCorkindale, Richard Moll, Nina Van Pallandt, Jeff Corey, George Murdock, Reb Brown, Patrick O’Moore, Thomas Rosales Jr. and Robert Tessier. [Illus.]

SWORDFISH (2001 US) D: DOMINIC SENA W: SKIP WOODS P: JOEL SILVER/JONATHAN D. KRANE/PAUL WINZE (uncredited) Crime lord and anti-terrorist agent John Travolta hires top computer hacker and ex-con Hugh Jackman to create a computer virus that will drain a secret Federal Reserve of money. Halle Berry (who has a topless scene) is an undercover Fed. This almost works as a mindless, cartoonish, over-the-top action movie, but the failed attempts at political insight and touches of Tarantino-inspired pop culture references sit awkwardly. With Vinnie Jones, Sam Shepard, Drea de Matteo, Rudolf Martin, Zach Grenier, Carmen Argenziano, Tim DeKay, Illia Volokh, Sam Travolta, Scott Burkholder, Debbie Entin, Natalia Sokolova, Astrid Veillon and Tate Donovan. From the director of the GONE IN 60 SECONDS remake and the screenwriter of THURSDAY.

SWORDKILL (ghost warrior) (1986 US) D: LARRY CARROLL W: TIM CURNEN P: CHARLES BAND A frozen samurai (Hiroshi Fujioka) is discovered in an ice cave in Japan and taken to LA for an autopsy. Instead the scientists reawaken him and the confused, lovesick (and mostly silent) sword-wielding warrior escapes and kills street scum that threaten him. A white couple in a sushi restaurant say, “It’s Toshiro Mifune!”, “I told you this place was hot”. What sounds like it may at least be dated 80s fun is too cheap and underdeveloped to generate interest. With Larry Cedar. Peter Manoogian was the line producer and Albert Band was the executive producer.

SWORD OF HEAVEN (1985 US) D: BYRON MEYERS W: JAMES E. BRUNER/BRITT LOMOND/WILLIAM PATRICK O’HAGAN W/P: JOSEPH J. RANDAZZO “Four-hundred years ago” a blue-glowing meteor lands in Japan, and is worshipped by monks (one is Gerald Okamura in a split-second appearance) who forge the titular sword from it. In modern-day LA, motorcycle-riding, martial arts-fighting cop Tadashi Yamashita helps retrieve it from an extortion ring with its own small private army, led by a sadist psycho and a corrupt cop. He also, unfortunately, has a scene in drag (again, see also MAGNIFICENT 3). Fleeting surreal highlights amidst the cheap idiotic crap are when a pimp (I think Randazzo) pushes a nun in a wheelchair off a cliff (!), and Yamashita glows blue from the power of the sword while decapitating a villain, as a spectral monk looks on. The final shot is Yamashita doing a jig with his comic relief Irish cop partner, as a chirpy tv sitcom-like theme tune accompanies the credits. With Bill “Superfoot” Wallace and Karen Sheperd.

THE SWORD OF SWORDS (san diy; shen dao) (1968 HK) D: CHAN SIU PANG W: FENG WEI LIN Wang Yu (ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN) must protect the legendary blade of the title from scheming traitor Tien Feng in this early swordplay classic from Shaw Bros. Yu keeps both arms this time but does end up blind. Tang Chia and Liu Chia Liang (who did more to shape action cinema than most people realise) handle the crude but progressive choreography. With Li Ching, Wong Chung Shun, Cheng Miu, Liu Chia Liang and Yeung Chi Hing.

THE SWORD OF THE BARBARIANS (barbarian master; sangraal, la spada di fuoco) (1983 ITL) D: “MICHAEL E. LEMICK” (MICHELE MASSIMO TARANTINI) W: PIETRO REGNOLI P: PINO BURICCHI/ETTORE SPAGNUOLO Sangraal, the son of Ator (Pietro Torrisi aka Peter MacCoy), wants vengeance for the massacre of his people whom he was guiding across the mountains for a place to call home. He, a woman and Al Yamanouchi encounter underground mutants with webbed feet and hands (obviously gloves and slippers), styrofoam rocks and savages. There’s some topless nudity and a little (bright and purplish) gore. Not any good by anyone’s definition, but I enjoyed this silly sword and sandal nonsense anyway. With Luciano Rossi and Sabrina Siani.

SWORD OF THE BEAST (samurai gold seekers; kedamono no ken) (1965 JPN) D/W: HIDEO GOSHA W: EIZABURO SHIBA In 1857, retainer Mikijiro Hira is on the run for having assassinated an unjust minister. The late minister’s daughter (Toshie Kimura) leads the vengeful group (headed by Kantaro Suga). Go Kato and his faithful wife (Shima Iwashita) are poaching gold for their clan, and risking their lives fending off others from their source. These two threads meet and then some in this excellent b/w chambara. Not quite up to Gosha’s feature debut THREE OUTLAW SAMURAI (1964), it’s still highly recommended. With Kunie Tanaka (whose face never seems to change), Yoko Mihara and Eijiro Tono. The underrated Gosha switched genres with CASH CALLS HELL (1966) next.

SWORD OF VENGEANCE See: LONE WOLF AND CUB (series)

THE SWORD OF ZATOICHI See: ZATOICHI’S FLASHING SWORD

SWORDSMAN (siu ngo kwong woo; xiao ao jiang ku) (1990 HK) D/P: TSUI HARK D: KING HU/ANN HUI/ RAYMOND LEE/ANDREW KAM W: WONG YIM/DAAI FOO HO/LAU DAAI MUK/LEUNG YIU MING/LAM KEE TO/GWAAN-MAN LEUNG This period Ming dynasty adaptation of an old novel by Louis Cha is epic in scope with many impressive sets, costumes and other period details to enjoy, but does suffer from the too-many-cooks syndrome. The plot involves a wandering Sam Hui trying to stop an ancient scripture detailing powerful martial arts techniques (that was stolen from the Emperor’s library) from falling into the hands of several rival factions, basically. I think many elements that may be overly familiar to Chinese viewers went over my head unexplained, but action fans all over the world will appreciate the top-notch aerial wirework and kinetic camerawork that proved highly influential. With Jacky Cheung, Lam Ching Ying, Wu Ma, Cecilia Yip, Yuen Wah, Sharla Cheung and Fennie Yuen. Not a masterpiece by any means, but as enjoyable as the sequels, although harder to find nowadays (because its lack of Jet Li, I suppose).

SWORDSMAN 2 (the legend of the swordsman; siu ngo gong woo ji dung fong bat baai; xiao ao jiang hu zhi dong fang bu bai) (1991 HK) D: CHING SIU TUNG W/P: TSUI HARK W: ELSA TANG/CHAN TIN SUEN Only one director returned for this sequel. The sacred sunflower scriptures are in the hands of a dictator who has castrated himself and is turning into a woman (Brigitte Lin) with special powers. The ever likeable Jet Li is the hero who must defeat her/ him and Rosamund Kwan is his sidekick (they were both a team in the ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA series around the same time, of course). It’s a little slow-going, but does have some good swordplay, decapitations, gore and a horse sliced in half with a wire. With Waise Lee, Chin Kar Lok, Fennie Yuen and Lau Shum. Again it seems there was a lack of gravity in ancient China (or there’s too much wirework).

SWORDSMAN 3 (the east is red; dung fong bat baai fung wan joi hei; dong fang bu bai feng yun zai zi) (1993 HK) D: CHIN SIU TUNG/RAYMOND LEE W/P: TSUI HARK W: CHARCOAL TAN/ROY SZETO WAI CHEUK Brigitte Lin is the original, legendary female fighter “invincible asia” who has to battle against other impostors claiming to be her because they want to get their hands on a secret scroll. At least that’s what I think was going on in this epic action fantasy which has some great set pieces, a few laughable moments and a lot of (unfocused) imagination. I enjoyed watching it, but parts that drag (or just don’t work) are an infuriating reminder of how close to excellence it is. With Joey Wong, Yu Rong Guang, Lau Shun, Yuen King Tan, Eddy Ko, Waise Lee and Fennie Yuen.

SWORDSMAN WITH AN UMBRELLA (magnificent swordsman; san saan kei hap; shen san ji xia) (1970 TAI) associate directors: CHEN KAN CHUAN/SHIH HUNG P: CHEN KAN CHUAN Chiang Ming is a vengeful stranger with an iron umbrella out to find the men who killed his mentor. He uses his umbrella to fight and to fly with (not as good as it sounds). Some supposedly tough guys hang out at an inn called the “flower zone” (!). Too early to be wall-to-wall action, so mostly dull historical drama and talk. With Ma Kei, Suen Yuet, Ho Wai Hung and Lee Keung. Available on one of those Brentwood dvd 10 packs, subtitled (full of typos, just like my writing!) and dubbed (very badly).

SWORDS OF DOOM See: DUEL AT ICHIJOJI TEMPLE

SYDNEY See: HARD EIGHT

SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE (boksuneun naui geot) (2002 S.KOR) D/W: CHAN WOOK PARK W: JAE-SUN LEE/MU-YEONG LEE/YONG-JONG LEE P: JIN KYU LIM Ha-kyun Shin is a deaf mute with a minimum wage factory job who sells a kidney to some black-market dealers in order to raise some cash to help his dying sister (Ji-eun Lim) get a kidney that she needs. When that doesn’t work, he and his terrorist girlfriend (cute ex-model Du-na Bae from TUBE) kidnap wealthy businessman Kang-ho Song (a talented actor with a wide range who starred in THE FOUL KING)’s little girl. Needles to say, everything goes wrong in this excellent pitch-black comedy thriller that gives the whole kidnapping-gonewrong subgenre a fresh angle. You also get to see Du-na Bae’s tits as a bonus. From the director of JOINT SECURITY AREA, OLDBOY and SYMPATHY FOR LADY VENGEANCE (2005) make a loose thematic trilogy.

SYNDICATE SADISTS (final payment; one just man; rambo’s revenge; il giustiziere sfida la città) (1975 ITL) D: UMBERTO LENZI W: VINCENZO MANNINO P: LUCIANO MARTINO Tomas Milian is a tough loner on a motorcycle (“life is just a hole”) who helps some kid who’s been kidnapped by gangsters led by Joseph Cotten in this disappointing action movie (especially if you expect a gritty Eurocrime thriller). With Guido Alberti, Ida Galli, Femi Benussi, Luciano Catenacci, Luciano Pigozzi, Silvano Tranquilli and Tom Felleghy.

SYNGENOR (1990 US) D: GEORGE ELANJIAN JR. W: BRENT V. FRIEDMAN/MICHAEL CARMODY P: JACK F. MURPHY Pretty poor sequel to a 1981 monster movie called SCARED TO DEATH has a bunch of the same monsters (which are designed to fight in the Middle East) escaping the confines of a multistorey office building. David Gale (RE-ANIMATOR) makes this otherwise (mostly) useless nonsense worth a look. He’s the drug-addicted egomaniacal head of the corporation who (after a few subdued scenes) goes all-out for the ham Oscar. With Melanie Shatner (Captain Kirk’s daughter), Lewis Arquette and an ending that picks up (but is too little, too late).

SYRINGE See: FULL ECLIPSE

TABLOID! (1985 US) D/W: BRETT McCORMICK/ GLEN COBURN D/W/P: “MATT DEVLEN” (MATT SHAFTON) Aliens, a bearded baby, a barbeque of the dead and a killer vacuum cleaner are the ingredients of this silly anthology spoofing shock tabloid headlines. It’s too long and not much really happens. McCormick’s debut was filmed in Fort Worth, Texas. He made THE ABOMINATION next.

TABOO (1999) See: GOHATTO

TA FA LIKIT (who is running?) (1997 THAI) D/W: OXIDE PANG P: EXSUN BINHASUUN/JEAREUK KANJAREUK This pretty dull fantasy has a guy balancing his dying girlfriend’s karma by saving five people’s lives. He receives the news of future deaths on a magical newspaper where texts appear and disappear. Nothing very exciting or interesting happens. The Hong Kong-born Pang followed with a series of better films co-directed with his brother, beginning with BANGKOK DANGEROUS.

TAI CHI 2 (master of real kung fu; taai gik kuen; tai ji quan) (1996 HK) D/W: YUEN WOO PING D: CHENG YAM YIM P: WONG WAI HIM Jacky Wu stars in this boring and uninspired post-ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA period kung fu movie. The gimmick is that he uses his long, braided ponytail as a weapon. With Christy Cheng, Mark Cheng, Sibelle Hu, Lau Shun and Billy Chow.

TAI CHI CHUN See: SECRET OF TAI CHI

THE TAI-CHI MASTER (twin warriors; taai gik cheung saam fung; tai ji zhang san feng) (1993 HK) D: YUEN WOO PING W: KIM YIP KWONG-KIM P: JET LI Two young boys at a Shaolin temple are always getting into trouble, and grow up to be Jet Li and Chin Siu Ho. They’re thrown out of the temple (after an amazing pole fighting scene) and enter the real world. Li ends up fighting with the rebels against oppressive government taxes, while Siu Ho becomes quite the opposite, a ruthless, corrupt soldier who quickly climbs the ranks. This highly entertaining action-packed kung fu flick is not among the director’s best due to a very weak dramatic content full of badly written clichés. But stick with the incredible fight choreography and wirework. With Michelle Yeoh, Yuen Cheung Yan (who coreographed with Woo Ping and Li), Fennie Yuen, Shun Lau and Hai Yu.

THE TAKE (1974 UK US) D: ROBERT HARTFORDDAVIS W: DEL REISMAR/REL REISSMAN/FRANKLIN COEN P: HOWARD BRANDY City cop Billy Dee Williams takes a new position in New Mexico where he immediately falls into his old ways and takes bribes from local crime lord Vic Morrow. Albert Salmi is also guilty, while Eddie Albert is their boss struggling to bring down Morrow’s organisation. Williams eventually does the right thing in this unremarkable cops’n’robbers movie based on G.F. Newman’s novel Sir, You Bastard. With Frankie Avalon as a whimpering informant and A. Martinez.

TAKEDOWN (1994) See: THE TAKEOVER

TAKEDOWN (hackers 2) (1999 US) D: JOE CHAPPELLE W: DAVID NEWMAN/LESLIE NEWMAN/JOHN DANZA/HOWARD A. RODMAN P: JOHN THOMPSON/ BRAD WESTON Skeet Ulrich is Kevin Mitnick, the legendary computer hacker who became a martyr for the hacker community when he was imprisoned (FREEDOM DOWNTIME is a documentary about the case). In this fast-paced, exciting thriller based on a book by Tsutomu Shimomura and John Markoff, Federal agents Christopher MacDonald and Tom Berenger enlist the help of computer expert Shimomura (Russell Wong) to track Mitnick after he steals software that could bring down networks around the world. It doesn’t touch on the post-trial civil rights abuses that Mitnick endured, but is not a one-sided ego trip for Shimomura (who makes a cameo and was co-executive producer) as some claimed it to be. I think the hacker community might have gone a bit too far with their whitewashing of Mitnick during the “Free Kevin” campaign. This mostly realistic portrait of a hacker is pretty neutral. With Ned Bellamy, Michael Burgess, Angela Featherstone, Mark Joy, Donal Logue, Mark Jeffrey Miller, Amanda Peet, Mitch Pileggi, Master P, J.C. Quinn, Jeremy Sisto and Ethan Suplee.

THE TAKEOVER (takedown) (1994 US) D: TROY COOK W: GENE MITCHELL P: CHERYL L. COOK Billy Drago (who should definitely get better movies) is a ruthless Chicago gangster trying to take over a rival organisation. Pretty dull, uninspired stuff, with John Savage, Nick Mancuso and Tony Longo. Cook also made PHOENIX with Drago and CENTURION FORCE with Savage.

TAKESHIS’ (2005 JPN) D/W: TAKESHI KITANO P: MASAYUKI MORI/TAKIO YOSHIDA Many thought that Japanese superstar Kitano’s narcissism had got the better of him when he followed 2003’s crowd-pleasing hit ZATOICHI with this confusing and surreal self-indulgent look at several different Takeshis. He plays a parody of himself, a tv star with a sideline in tough-bastard yakuza roles (“Beat Takeshi stars in Hell Heat”), and as a nobody convienience store/bit-part actor wannabe lookalike (with his bleached Zatoichi haircut). Several other actors/characters are also paralleled in both lives (Susumu Terajima, Ren Osugi and other regulars, for example). Occasionally a rambling, unfunny mess, and sometimes a very sly and clever swipe at the celebrity status, and frequently hilarious. Definitely a lesser effort, but still extremely worthwhile for fans like myself. Others may be less forgiving. With Akihiro Miwa (a transvestite tv celebrity who you may remember billed as Akihiko Marayama in 1968’s BLACK LIZARD), Atsuro Watabe, Kotomi Kyono, Kayoko Kishimoto (the dying wife in HANA-BI), Kanji Tsuda, Shinji Uchiyama, Kunihiro Matsumura, Beat Kyoshi, Koichi Ueda, Zomohon and The Stripes tap-dancing. Apparently Tadanobu Asano’s in there, too, but I didn’t notice him.

TAKE THE X-TRAIN (x densha de iko) (1987 JPN ANIMATED) D: TARO RIN W: KOICHI YAMANO P: ARGOS This peculiar 50 mins comedy horror (from Konami) features a man with a psychic link to a ghost train. Not bad. It’s dedicated to Duke Ellington.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE (subway panic) (1974 US) D: JOSEPH SARGENT W: PETER STONE P: GABRIEL KATZKA/EDGAR J. SCHERICK Four men with machine-guns (Robert Shaw, Martin Balsam, Héctor Elizondo and Earl Hindman) hijack a New York subway train and hold a carriage full of passengers hostage in the middle of a tunnel. Walter Matthau stars as a transit cop and Julius W. Harris is a city cop. Based on John Godey’s novel, it’s one of the best crime capers of the 70s with a tight, suspenseful script that brings out all the interesting social, racial and political angles. It’s very funny at times. David Shire’s score is excellent, too. With Dick O’Neill, Jerry Stiller, Kenneth McMillan, Doris Roberts, Tony Roberts, Nathan George and Bill Cobbs. There was a terrible remake in 1996 and another in 2009.

TALE OF A VAMPIRE (warlock: tale of a vampire; virginia) (1992 UK) D/W: SHIMAKO SATO W: JANE CORBETT P: SIMON JOHNSON In this endless, pretentious romantic vampire bore Julian Sands is a studious vampire in London who finds the reincarnation of his lost love in the form of a female librarian. Kenneth Cranham is the Van Helsing/Edgar Allan Poe (!) character. The female director later made less sleep-inducing movies like WIZARD OF DARKNESS in her own country.

A TALE OF DEMONOLOGY See: PSYCHED BY THE 4D WITCH

THE TALE OF SWEENEY TODD See: SWEENEY TODD (1997)

TALE OF THE MUMMY See: TALOS THE MUMMY

A TALE OF TWO SISTERS (janghwra, hongryeon) (2003 S.KOR) D/W: JI-WOON KIM This classy, well made and good-looking puzzle box of a psychological drama/horror movie revolves around a quietly dysfunctional household consisting of two young teenage girls (Su-jeong Lim and Guen-yeong Mun), a useless father (Kap-su Kim) and a demanding, unwelcome stepmother (Jung-Ah Yum). But all is not what it seems in this remake of a 1956 picture. It’s worth your time if you don’t expect big scare scenes and if you don’t rely on neat conclusions that tie everything up for you. I imagine some viewers will feel cheated and taken for a ride, but others seem to love it (and find it very scary). From the director of the very different THE FOUL KING and THE QUIET FAMILY. THE UNINVITED (2009) was a particularly misjudged American remake.

THE TALE OF ZATOICHI (zatoichi monogatari) (1962 JPN) D: KENJI MISUMI W: MINORU INUZUKA EXEC P: IKUO KUBODERA This is the original b/w Zatoichi film (like the whole series, it’s based on the novels by Kan Shimozawa). Shintaro Katsu plays the drifting blind masseur and master swordsman for the first time, and is brilliant in the role that he grew into more and more as the series progressed. The plot that involves corruption and conflict in a small town would be copied endlessly as the tirelessly high-quality series progressed (and later switched to colour). Just excellent. With Masayo Banri, Shigeru Amachi, Ryouzo Shimada, Eijiro Yanagi, Igoro Onoe, Shindo Yamajo, Sachio Harikita and Gen Kimura. Next was…

THE TALE OF ZATOICHI CONTINUES (the return of masseur ichi; zoku zatoichi monogatari) (1962 JPN) D: KAZUO MORI W: MINORU INUZUKA EXEC P: IKUO KUBODERA This one picks up where the last entry left off. As well as being very good entertainment, it’s the place to see Katsu’s real-life brother Tomisaburo Wakayama (billed as Kenzaburo Jo) play Zatoichi’s brother. Wakayama is the star of the original LONE WOLF AND CUB series. With Yaeko Mizutani, Masayo Banri, Sonosuge Sawamura, Eijiro Yanagi, Saburo Date, Shousaku Sugiyama, Shindo Yamajo, Kiyoshi Makino, Kazunari Doi, Shintaro Nanjo and Shozo Nanbu. The series continued (and switched to colour) with MASSEUR ICHI ENTERS AGAIN.

TALES FOR ALL 2 See: THE PEANUT BUTTER SOLUTION

TALES FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE See: FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

TALES FROM THE BEYOND See: FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

TALES FROM THE CRYPT (1972 UK US) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W/P: MILTON SUBOTSKY P: MAX J. ROSENBERG Horror anthologies are notoriously difficult to pull off successfully, yet Hammer’s rival studio Amicus is most famous for their many attempts. This is one of their better ones, The fine stories are taken from the great, ghoulish EC Comics of the 50s. Poetic Justice is with Peter Cushing. Blind Alleys is the best and stars Patrick Magee as the blind leader of a revolt at a badly run old folks’ home. Nigel Patrick is the uncaring, penny-grabbing owner of the centre who must feel his way down a razor bladelined dark corridor while chased by wild dogs. That old chestnut The Monkey’s Paw is the basis for Wish You Were Here. There’s also Reflections Of Death, while All Through The House has a psychotic Santa chasing Joan Collins. Ralph Richardson is the crypt keeper in the wraparound. With Roy Dotrice, Geoffrey Bayldon, Robert Hutton, Martin Boddey and Harry Locke. VAULT OF HORROR was the sequel.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT, PART II See: THE VAULT OF HORROR

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT (demon keeper; demon knight) (1995 US) D: ERNEST R. DICKERSON W: ETHAN REIFF/CYRUS VORIS/MARK BISHOP P: GILBERT ADLER/ALAN KATZ Here’s the first big-screen spin-off from the Crypt tv series, directed by Spike Lee’s regular cinematographer. William Sadler is a mysterious stranger in a desert community pursued by an irritating, wisecracking Billy Zane. Sadler and various other characters end up inside a whorehouse trying to fend off Zane and his demons. Their only weapon is a key filled with the blood of Christ. Enjoyable enough with some very good cartoonish gore FX and a nice fast pace, but there’s too much Zane and it does get more and more nonsensical towards the end. With Jada Pinkett Smith, CCH Pounder, Dick Miller (and a bunch of topless women), Thomas Haden Church, Gary Farmer, Charles Fleischer, Tim De Zarn, Brenda Bakke, Sherrie Rose, Chasey Lain, John Larroquette and John Kassiar as the voice of the crypt keeper. TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: BORDELLO OF BLOOD followed.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: BORDELLO OF BLOOD (1996 US) D/W/P: GILBERT ADLER W: A.L. KATZ/BOB GALE/ROBERT ZEMECKIS Rebellious teen Corey Feldman ends up at a secret whorehouse in a crematorium run by vampire Angie Everhart. His religious sister Erika Eleniak (who works for crooked evangelist Chris Sarandon) hires sarcastic private eye Dennis Miller to find him. They end up fighting vampire hookers. Second CRYPT spin-off movie is, like its predecessor, stupid crap. But fast-paced and watchable stupid crap with some gore and nudity. With Phil Fondacrao, Whoopi Goldberg, William Sandler and Eric Keenleyside. It was filmed in Vancouver for executive producers Robert Zemeckis and Bob Gale.

TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE (1990 US) D: JOHN HARRISON W: MICHAEL McDOWELL/ GEORGE A. ROMERO P: RICHARD RUBINSTEIN/ MITCHELL GALIN Kid Matthew Lawrence distracts witch Deborah Harry from baking him in an oven by telling her three stories in this spin-off anthology from the 1984–88 tv series created by Romero. One has a mummy and is based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, one (scripted by Romero) is based on a Stephen King story about a killer cat, and the third is a ghost story copied from KWAIDAN. They’re all ok I guess, but nothing more than passable. With Steve Buscemi, Christian Slater, David Johansen, William Hickey, Julianne Moore, Mark Margolis, James Remar, Rae Dawn Chong and Robert Klein.

TALES FROM THE HOOD (1995 US) D/W: RUSTY CUNDIEFF P: DARIN SCOTT Three young black gang types go to a mortuary to pick up some drugs. Cigar-smoking mortician/crypt keeper Clarence Williams III shows them four corpses and tells them four stories. Most of them are familiar anthology tales given a racial twist, but they’re all entertaining and well told, making this a superior horror anthology, black or otherwise. Wings Hauser leads a handful of white cops that beat up a black political activist rallying against police corruption (Tom Wright). A rookie cop must make amends when he fails to stop them from killing him. David Allen Grier is an abusive “monster” stepfather in the second domestic drama with a fantastic twist (Cundieff also acts in this one). The third has a racist New Orleans political candidate terrorised in his former slave colony mansion by little dolls. In the final story that leads to a fun wraparound segment, Lamont Bently is a violent, killer gangbanger who takes part in “behaviour modification” (photos of real KKK lynchings are used). Screaming Mad George, KNB and the Chiodo Bros provide FX. With Joe Torry, Paula Jai Parker and Corbin Bernsen. Spike Lee was an executive producer. Cundieff (and Scott, who also appears on-screen) also made FEAR OF A BLACK HAT.

TALES FROM THE THREE STOOGES VOLS. 1 & 2 W: TOM LAVAGNINO P: RAY ATHERTON/NICK BOUGAS These two 50 mins shows (from the late-80s or early 90s) has some guy in a living room armchair pretending to be the Stooges’ uncle introducing edited highlights from their 1962 tv series. It’s a good way for Stooges fans to see Moe, Larry and Curly Joe (who all look very old) and what they were up to in later years, but who don’t have the patience to sit through the whole series (which was pretty bad and dated when it was new). Bougas is most well known for the DEATH SCENES mondo tapes.

TALES OF FRANKENSTEIN (1958 UK US) D/W: CURT SIODMAK W: CATHERINE and HENRY KUTTNER P: MICHAEL CARRERAS Universal helped back this b/w 27 mins pilot from Hammer for a series that never happened. Anton Diffring stars as the Baron. A desperate woman pleads for him to cure her sick husband, not understanding the rumours about his “secret of life”. Only after the man is dead and in a box does Diffring take an interest. There is a pretty good monster, but it’s difficult to judge this classy-looking production on one episode alone. With Ludwig Stossel. Siodmak directed episodes of the more successful 13 Demon Street series the following year.

TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS (storie di ordinaria follia; conte de la folie ordinaire) (1981 ITL FRA) D/W: MARCO FERRERI W: SERGEI AMIDEI/ANTHONY FOUTZ Ben Gazzara is Charles Bukowski (or “Charles Sirking”) in this interesting look at self-destructive, scuzzy LA lowlife. I understand why Bukowski hated it, as it doesn’t seem to really gel with the tone of his writings and feels as if Ferreri has hijacked his lifestyle to convey his own thoughts and tell his own stories. It would have worked better as a non-Bukowski film, but it’s still well worth a look. With Ornella Muti as a suicidal, masochistic hooker, Susan Tyrrell in a very funny scene, Katya Berger (William Berger’s daughter) and Tanya Lopert. Mickey Rourke played Bukowski in BARFLY.

TALES OF TERROR (1962 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: RICHARD MATHESON This good AIP anthology loosely based on Edgar Allan Poe has three segments, all with Vincent Price. Morella is a dry run for THE TOMB OF LIGEIA. Peter Lorre stars in The Black Cat. Basil Rathbone is a mesmerist who keeps Price in a trance in The Facts In The Case Of Mr. Valdemar. With Debra Paget, Edmund Cobb and Joyce Jameson. The final two thirds were remade as TWO EVIL EYES.

TALES OF TIFFANY JONES See: TIFFANY JONES

TALES THAT WITNESS MADNESS (1973 UK) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W: JENNIFER JAYNE P: NORMAN PRIGGEN/MILTON SUBOTSKY No one much likes this anthology in four parts. I agree that it’s not very good (these anthologies rarely are), but I do get a kick out of the imaginary tiger segment and the one about Joan Collins’ husband falling in love with a tree. I put this down to childhood nostalgia and don’t necessarily recommend others to put it at the top of their must-see portmanteau list. With Donald Pleasence, Kim Novak, Suzy Kendall, Donald Houston, Jack Hawkins (his final role) and Mary Tamm.

THE TALL T (1957 US) D: BUDD BOETTICHER W: BURT KENNEDY/ELMORE LEONARD P: HARRY JOE BROWN This western is good and a little different, but is overrated by many. Randolph Scott stars as one of the stagecoach passengers held hostage by Richard Boone’s ruthless gang (which includes Henry Silva as Chink). Maureen O’Sullivan is the woman in peril and John Hubbard her wealthy, cowardly husband. With Arthur Hunnicutt and Robert Burton. The same year saw another Boetticher/Scott western (DECISION AT SUNDOWN) and another based on a story by Leonard (3:10 TO YUMA). Kennedy would later direct many westerns himself.

TALL, TAN AND TERRIFIC (1946 US) D/P: BUD POLLARD W: JOHN E. GORDON A nightclub owner is framed for murder by gangsters in this 40 mins or so b/w all-black cast quickie. Star Mantan Moreland helps him out and does a brief stage act. The title refers to singer Francine Everett, who also does a number. There are some female tap-dancers, too. Not that great a film, but it is interesting to see the acts, and the brief running time ain’t gonna cause anybody pain. With Monte Hawley. Pollard and Gordon made the Louis Jordan vehicle BEWARE the same year.

TALOS THE MUMMY (tale of the mummy) (1998 US UK LUX) D/W: RUSSELL MULCAHY W: KEITH WILLIAMS/ JOHN ESPOSITO P: JEFFREY WHITE/SILVIO MURAGLIA/ DANIEL SLADEK/TOM REEVE Christopher Lee sabotages the opening of a mummy’s tomb during the 1940s in the precredit sequence, and Louise Lombard is his daughter who continues with the expedition 50 years later. Someone dies and the mission is aborted. Back in London an SFX mummy morphs and murders the remaining members of the crew who opened the tomb in the first place. This overlong (almost two hours), ill-advised update of a classic horror tale tries to make the mummy a more exciting entity than just a corpse swathed in bandages, but fails dismally. Jason Scott Lee stars as an American cop residing in London (Honor Blackman is his chief) and Shelley Duval is the other token American actor. With Sean Pertwee, Lysette Anthony, Michael Lerner, Jack Davenport, Ed Tudor-Pole (as a blind man), Jon Polito, Gerard Butler and Bill Treacher. This review refers to the long international version. It’s only 88 mins in the US. From the director of HIGHLANDER and RICOCHET.

TAMALA 2010: A PUNK CAT IN SPACE (2002 JPN ANIMATED) D/W/P: t.o.L P: SEIICHI TSUKADA/ KAZUO MIYO Truly bizarre, one-of-a-kind animated feature about a cat called Tamala who escapes a rainy futuristic Tokyo in a spaceship and lands on the Planet Q. Defying any rational interpretation (or plot synopsis), this surreal b/w oddity with great cartoonish animation is at once extremely cute and disturbing and is best watched with dream logic in mind. t.o.L (Trees of Life, a collective) also created the manga on which it’s based. Takeshi Kato, Shinji Takeda, Atsuko Harashima and Béatrice Dalle all provide voices.

TAMARA (2005 CAN) D: JEREMY HAFT W: JEFFREY REDDICK P: DANNY FISHER/MATT MILICH/CHRIS SIEVERNICH/MARTIN WILEY Jenna Dewa is a plain, brainy high school outcast who’s accidentally killed by jocks who play a prank on her after she writes a story about steroid use for the school paper. Thanks to witchcraft, she returns as a sexy temptress with vengeful magic powers. What promises to be a fun gore’n’nudity flick disappoints once again (so few deliver on this simple promise). With Matthew Marsden, Chad Faust and Claudette Mink.

T & A ACADEMY 2 See: GIMME AN “F”

TANGENTS See: TIME CHASERS

TANGO AND CASH (1989 US) D: ANDREI KONCHALOVSKY/ ALBERT MAGNOLI W: RANDY FELDMAN P: JON PETERS/PETER GUBER/JON AVNET Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell are Tango and Cash, rival celebrity cops in LA who are framed for murder, drugdealing and corruption by crime lord Jack Palance. They break out of prison to clear their names in this buddy-buddy action flick that fails despite having a fun supporting cast. This includes Brion James, James Hong, Robert Z’Dar, Clint Howard, Geoffrey Lewis, Michael J. Pollard and Eddie Bunker. With Teri Hatcher, Billy Blanks, Shabba Doo, Philip Tan, Lewis Arquette, Roy Brocksmith, Richard Fancy, Michael Jeter, Andre Rosey Brown, Glenn Morshower and the unwelcome sight of Russell in drag. Director Konchalovsky (most famous for RUNAWAY TRAIN, based on a Kurosawa script) was replaced and then returned to Russia. PM Entertainment could have done a better job.

TANK BATTALION (1957 US) D: SHERMAN A. ROSE W/P: RICHARD BERNSTEIN W: GEORGE WATERS Pretty dull movie about US troops stationed in Korea in 1951. Most of the running time takes place at an r’n’r camp, so don’t expect action. With Frank Gorshin. Harry Thomas did the make up. In b/w.

TANK GIRL (1995 US) D: RACHEL TALALAY W: TEDI SARAFIAN P: PEN DENSHAM/RICHARD B. LEWIS/ JOHN WATSON In one of the most annoying major theatrical releases of the 90s, Lori Petty is the punklook heroine of the drought-plagued 2033 where Malcolm McDowell owns all the Earth’s water. Petty, Naomi Watts and some kangaroo men mutants (including Ice T and Jeff Kober) lead a resistance. It’s based on a cult comic by Alan Martin and Jamie Hewlett. With Brian Wimmer, Iggy Pop, James Hong, Richard Schiff and Ann Magnuson.

TANYA’S ISLAND (1980 CAN) D: ALFRED SOLE W/P: PIERRE BROUSSEAU The director of ALICE, SWEET ALICE is at the helm of this extremely odd fantasy. Vanity (in her first starring role, billed as D.D. Winters) is a woman with a career in the tv industry, who’s beaten up at home by a selfish, frustrated artist called Lobo. She imagines herself living with him on a deserted tropical island (it was filmed in Puerto Rico) just fucking, painting and eating what they can catch. She finds an ape with blue eyes in a cave and becomes friends with it. Lobo gets jealous and catches it in a bamboo cage. After that it’s a series of one-upmanships between man and beast, until Vanity (who has nude scenes) gets fed-up with them both, and wakes up. Rick Baker and Rob Bottin designed the ape suit, and clips from MIGHTY JOE YOUNG can be seen at the beginning. Like I said, odd. Vanity starred in the hit THE LAST DRAGON next.

TAOISM DRUNKARD (drunken wu tang; drunken arts and crippled fist; gui ma tian shi) (1983 HK) D: YUEN CHEUNG YAN W: YUEN CLAN/MICKEY NG P: LO WEI The fourth MIRACLE FIGHTERS movie is pretty wacked-out kung fu fare. The fairly simple main plot strand has the drunkard Old Boot (director Yan, who drives around in a giant shoe!) helping Yuen Yat Choh (aka Simon Yuen Jr) defeat the evil Old Devil. Old Devil was banished from his clan and had his palms removed on a weird rollercoasterstyle device as punishment. The Yuen brothers have once again packed their movie with mad fights and bizarre touches, like the watermelon monster (wait until you see this one!!) that raises a solid fight flick to a must-see curiosity status. With Yuen Shun Yi, Yen Shi-Kwan and Tai Bo.

TARANTULA (1955 US) D: JACK ARNOLD W: ROBERT FRESCO/MARTIN BERKELEY P: WILLIAM ALLAND Great b/w giant spider movie stars John Agar and Mara Corday as hero and heroine/love interest. Leo G. Carroll has acromegaly as a result of his experiments that breed a 100-feet tarantula that preys on cattle and later develops a taste for humans. Clint Eastwood has a small role (he was also in Arnold’s REVENGE OF THE CREATURE) as a fighter pilot who drops bombs on the hairy arachnid. Based on an episode of the Science Fiction Theatre tv show, it’s fun all the way. With Nestor Paiva, Ross Eliott, Raymond Bailey, Hank Patterson, Steve Darrell, Edgar Dearing, Don Dillaway, Tom London, Eddie Parker, Bing Russel, Jack Stoney, Billy Wayne and Bud Wolfe.

TARGET (2009) See: WILD TARG

TARGET: CAMPUS (1997) See: THE MESSIAH FROM THE FUTURE

TARGET EARTH (1954 US) D: SHERMAN ROSE W: BILL RAYNOR/WYATT ORDUNG/JAMES H. NICHOLSON Various characters (who mostly seem to have problems with depression or alcohol) find themselves stranded in an abandoned, lifeless LA. It seems to be the work of an “army” of robots (with death rays) from Venus. First seen as just a menacing shadow, the one clunky robot is kinda cool (and even climbs some stairs). A creep with a gun and rapist thoughts turns up to spoil the harmony, while military types (including Whit Bissell) try to figure out how to recapture the city. A very minimal b/w sci-fi from Allied Artists, surprisingly effective in making the city seem genuinely deserted, but also slow and uneventful. Based on Paul W. Fairman’s short story Deadly City. With Kathleen Crawley, Richard Denning, Virginia Grey, Richard Reeves, Arthur Space, Steve Pendleton, House Peters Jr. and Jeffrey Sayre. Rose also edited.

TARGETS (1968 US) D/W/P: PETER BOGDANOVICH W: POLLY PLATT/SAM FULLER (uncredited) A seemingly normal and nice young man quietly goes apeshit. He calmly guns down his family and then uses a telescopic lens to pick off people at a drive-in. Boris Karloff is excellent as the ageing horror movie star retiring from the business because his celluloid atrocities pale by comparison to real-life violence in today’s society. He arrives at the drive-in to promote his new film and in the brilliant ending just walks up and slaps some sense into the sniper. An assured debut from Bogdanovich, but the last quality flick for the soon-to-be-dead Karloff. With Mike Farrell, Jack Nicholson, Dick Miller, James Brown, Gary Kent, Frank Marshall, Randy Quaid, Bogdanovich (who also edited), the voice of Don Steele, cinematography from László Kovács and clips from THE TERROR and THE CRIMINAL CODE. Roger Corman was the executive producer.

TARNISHED CODE OF YAKUZA See: THE YAKUZA PAPERS

TARZAN AND HIS MATE (1934 US) D: CEDRIC GIBBONS/JACK CONWAY/JAMES C. McKAY (uncredited) W: JAMES KEVIN McGUINESS P: BERNARD H. HYMAN Neil Hamilton and the suspicious, lecherous Paul Cavanagh go on a safari into the jungle so they can cash in on the ivory at an elephant’s graveyard. Tarzan (Johnny Weissmuller) and Jane (sexy Maureen O’Sullivan, seen in some risqué pre-Code scenes) guide them and their native “boys”. When Cavanagh shoots one of the black slaves at point-blank range, it’s no big thing. Second entry in the b/w series has lots of men in gorilla suits (who throw boulders), impressive trapeze stunts, crocodile wrestling, casual racism and the usual high standard of visual FX that mixes stock footage and actors in inventive and imaginative ways that put today’s lacklustre CGI FX to shame. Ray “Crash” Corrigan appears in a gorilla suit as usual, and was also Weissmuller’s stunt double. Forrester Harvey isn’t in it much as comic relief. With Paul Porcasi and scenes with Doris Lloyd were originally deleted. Disjointed but highly entertaining stuff. The next in the series was the ambitious TARZAN ESCAPES (1936), and after that they seemed to decrease in quality.

TARZAN AND THE GREEN GODDESS (1938 US) D: EDWARD A. KULL/WILBUR McGRANGA W: EDWIN BLUM/CHARLES F. ROYAL/BASIL DICKEY (uncredited) P: EDGAR RICE BURROUGHS/BENNETH COHEN/ ASHTON DEARHOLT/GEORGE W. STOUT Bruce Bennett (aka Herman Brinx) starred in the serial THE NEW ADVENTURES OF TARZAN. This is nothing more than a condensation of the second half of the chapters with occasional new footage. With Jack Mowen, Ashton Dearholt, Earl Dwire and Merrill McCormick. You’d be better off checking out the original serial.

TARZAN AND THE LOST CITY (tarzan und die verlorene stadt) (1998 US GER AUSL) D: CARL SCHENKEL W: BAYARD JOHNSON/J. ANDERSON BLACK P: STANLEY CANTER/DIETER GEISSLER/MICHAEL LAKE On the eve of his marriage to Jane March, Tarzan (Casper Van Dien) leaves Greystoke, England, for the jungles of Africa to prevent white looters (led by Steven Waddington) from finding the fabled lost city where civilisation is said to have begun. Filmed in South Africa, this mediocre jungle adventure plays like a passable tv movie. A tribal leader mutates into a big CGI cobra at the end. With Paulo Tocha and some men-in-gorilla-suits (may CGI never replace this great tradition). The Swiss Schenkel began directing with the German DRACULA BLOWS HIS COOL.

TARZAN AND THE TRAPPERS (1958 US) D: H. BRUCE HUMBERSTONE/CHARLES F. HAAS/SANDY HOWARD W: FREDERICK SCHLIK/ROBERT LEACH P: SOL LESSER Gordon Scott (Werschkull) is Tarzan in this edited compilation of three unsold b/w tv episodes from a never-to-be series. Pretty much for Tarzan completists only, I liked seeing Scott ride a small giraffe (!), and Scatman Crothers is a jungle native. With Eve Brent as Jane, Saul Gorss and Maurice Marsac. Scott was also in five proper Tarzan features and was an Italian muscleman movie staple through the 60s.

TARZAN AND THE VALLEY OF GOLD (1966 US SWITZ) D: ROBERT DAY W: CLAIR HUFFAKEP P: SY WEINTRAUB Mike Henry is Tarzan for the first of his three adventures (this was followed by TARZAN AND THE GREEN RIVER and TARZAN AND THE JUNGLE BOY). If memory serves, this colourful search-for-treasure adventure is adequate rainy day/home-from-school-sick afternoon entertainment. With Nancy Kovack, Enrique Lucero and Eduardo Noriega. It was filmed in Mexico.

TARZAN IN MANHATTAN (1989 US) D: MICHAEL SCHULTZ W: ANNA SANDOR/WILLIAM GOUGH P: CHARLES HAIRSTONE Warren Zevron sings “leave my monkey alone” on the soundtrack of this short-lived tv series pilot as chimp Cheetah is stolen from the jungle and taken to experiment on in America. Tarzan (direct-to-video headliner Joe Lara) follows, falls in love with Tony Curtis’ taxi driver daughter, and exposes villainous Jan-Michael Vincent’s cruelty to animals. Pretty silly stuff, the big joke being Curtis constantly pleading with Tarzan to “put some clothes on”.

TARZAN OF THE APES (1918 US) D: SCOTT SIDNEY W: FRED MILLER/LOIS WEBBER P: BILL PARSONS It’s kind of slow and uneventful to a modern audience, but this one-hour b/w silent jungle film was the first ever Tarzan movie, so is historically important. Otto Elmo Linkenhelt (aka Elmo Lincoln) is Tarzan. Enid Markey is Jane. It was filmed in Brazil, Louisiana and California, and features the age-old tradition of men in monkey-suits. Apparently, Lincoln really killed a lion in the scene where it attacks him! With Colin Kenny, Thomas Jefferson and Eugene Pallette. Linkenhelt returned in THE ROMANCE OF TARZAN and the serial THE ADVENTURES OF TARZAN.

TARZAN’S GREATEST ADVENTURE (1959 UK) D/W: JOHN GUILLERMIN W: BERNE GILER/LES CRUTCHFIELD P: SY WEINTRAUB Gordon Scott is Tarzan who fights villainous diamond miners (including Sean Connery, Anthony Quayle and Niall MacGinnis) in this very good adventure, considered one of the finest Tarzans on film. With Scilla Gabel. Actually filmed in Africa as opposed to some jungle set backlot. TARZAN THE MAGNIFICENT followed.

TARZAN’S REVENGE (1938 US) D: D. ROSS LEDERMAN W: ROBERT LEE JOHNSON/JAY VANN P: SOL LESSER/BARNEY BRISKIN (uncredited) Olympic Decathlon champion Glenn Morris only got to play Tarzan once. It was enough. Eleanor Holm is Jane, and she was also an Olympic swimmer in real-life. With Joe Sawyer, Hedda Hopper, George Barbier, C. Henry Gordon, George Meeker, Al Thompson, Bell Elliott and Blue Washington. Avoidable b/w jungle thrills for completists only.

TARZAN THE APE MAN (1932 US) D: W.S. VAN DYKE W: CYRIL HUME/IVOR NOVELLO P: BERNARD H. HYMAN/IRVING THALBERG Olympic gold medal swimmer Johnny Weissmuller is Tarzan in this major b/w MGM hit based on the writings of Edgar Rice Burroughs. Maureen O’Sullivan is Jane, the daughter of ivory hunter C. Aubrey Smith who’s searching for the fabled Elephants’ Graveyard. There’s attack by hippos and crocodiles, but the best and most outrageous scene has Tarzan, Neil Hamilton, Jane (and Cheetah the chimp) fighting for their lives against a giant (man-in-a-suit) gorilla in a pit, while blackface dwarf pygmies watch and cheer! This is followed by an elephant stampede in which a pygmy is picked up by a trunk and hurled on the floor! With Johnny Eck as “bird creature” and leftover footage from Van Dyke’s TRADER HORN. Weissmuller returned for eleven sequels beginning with TARZAN AND HIS MATE before later becoming JUNGLE JIM in 1948. Dialogue writer Novello starred in the 1926 and 1932 versions of THE LODGER. Earlier Tarzans were TARZAN OF THE APES and THE ROMANCE OF TARZAN (both 1918) and THE ADVENTURES OF TARZAN (1921) (all with Elmo Lincoln), SON OF TARZAN (a 1920 serial), THE REVENGE OF TARZAN (1920), TARZAN AND THE GOLDEN LION (1927), TARZAN THE MIGHTY (1928) and TARZAN THE TIGER (1929). The next guy to play Tarzan was Buster Crabbe in TARZAN THE FEARLESS (1933).

A TASTE FOR KILLING (1992 US) D: LOU ANTONIO W: DAN BRONSON/ALLEN RUCKER/HUDSON MARQUEZ P: MICHAEL S. MURPHEY A couple of law students from a wealthy background (Jason Bateman and Henry Thomas) work on an oil rig (!?) to pay for their tuition fees. Michael Biehn is a friendlyseeming psycho who kills troublemaker Blue Deckert for them and then blackmails his new accomplices. Thoroughly routine, sleep-inducing tv junk. With Renée Zellweger and Dennis Letts.

A TASTE OF BLOOD (1967 US) D/P: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS W: DONALD STANFORD Bill Rogers (in Lewis’ SHANTY TRAMP the same year) is an American who receives a mysterious package in the post from London. It turns out that he’s the final remaining ancestor of the Alucard family who’s inherited an estate in London. He’s also sent some 19th century “brandy” which transforms him into a vampire (the transformation consists of a blue spotlight and howling noises). He takes a ship to London, commits some murders and returns to the States with an ugly square ring that hypnotises people. He hypnotises his wife and proceeds to kill off the ancestors of the people who killed Count Dracula. Dr. Van Helsing turns up to inform the wife and her best friend William Kerwin (also the production manager, billed as Thomas Wood). Kerwin is sceptical about the Dracula myth (“this is the space age”) but helps Helsing track down Rogers. This long (2 hour) horror movie is less gory than Lewis’ others, but is pretty enjoyable. Lewis himself has a cameo as a sailor doing an awful cockney accent. He also made SOMETHING WEIRD and SHE-DEVILS ON WHEELS the same year.

TASTE OF FEAR See: SCREAM OF FEAR

TASTE THE BLOOD OF DRACULA (1970 UK) D: PETER SASDY W: “JOHN ELDER” (ANTHONY HINDS) P: AIDA YOUNG Fourth in the Hammer Christopher Lee Dracula series is the first to take a cynical (realistic) view of its period England setting, but is also the first low-quality entry in the series. Roy Kinnear is a salesman who sees Dracula die (impaled on a crucifix like the end of DRACULA HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE) and sells the blood to black magic-worshipping upstart Ralph Bates and a group of rich, corrupt aristocrats out for kicks. When they turn on Bates and kick him to death, the resurrected Lee takes revenge via the aristocrats’ kids. With Geoffrey Keen, Michael Ripper (of course), Linda Hayden, Anthony Higgins and June Palmer as a prostitute. The next in this series was DRACULA A.D. 1972, but Lee returned first in the out-of-series THE SCARS OF DRACULA.

TATTOO CONNECTION (black belt jones 2; hgok yue tau hak saat sing; e yu tou hei sha xing) (1978 HK) D: LEE TSO NAM W: LUK PAK SANG/CHUNG SHUN YEE P: H. WONG Jim Kelly is a CIA agent who goes to Hong Kong to retrieve a stolen diamond. Chan Sing is the main gangster villain and Tan Tao Liang is on the bad guy’s side until he teams up with Kelly for the climax. With Bolo Yeung, Lee Hoi Sang and Cheng Fu Hung. Pretty awful, but Lee Tso Nam also makes good kung fu films like THE INVINCIBLE KUNG FU LEGS and THE HOT, THE COOL AND THE VICIOUS. Choreography by Bruce Liang.

TAXI DRIVER (1976 US) D: MARTIN SCORSESE W: PAUL SCHRADER P: MICHAEL and JULIA PHILLIPS Robert DeNiro is ’nam vet cab driver Travis Bickle working in New York City in this all-time classic. Cybill Shepherd is the woman he puts on a pedestal, and young Jodie Foster is a teen hooker he saves from pimp Harvey Keitel. Schrader’s PICKPOCKET-inspired script was written when he was a depressed, unemployed alcoholic, and the scars show through. Scorsese (who also has a great cameo) directs like a true master, complemented by Michael Chapman’s photography and Bernard Herrmann’s score. With Albert Brooks, Peter Boyle, Joe Spinnell, Vic Argo and excellent, shocking Dick Smith FX. Multiple viewings are recommended.

TAXI HUNTER (di shi pan guan) (1993 HK) D/W: HERMAN LAU W: LAU YIN/RAY MAK/LEUNG HUNG WAH P: STEVEN PO This one was inspired by a notorious real-life taxi driver strike in HK. Almost every cab driver is seen as greedy and mean. Anthony Wong wages a war on them after one is responsible for the death of his heavily pregnant wife (and the child). He gets a handgun, imitates DeNiro in front of a mirror, and blows them away. This highly enjoyable movie (one of several worthwhile Wong/ Lau collaborations) features a great car chase on crowded HK island. With Ng Man-Tat for comic relief, Yu Rong-Guang, Athena Chu and Wu Fung.

T-BIRD GANG (1959 US) D: RICHARD HARBINGER W: JOHN BRINKLEY/TONY MILLER P: STANLEY BICKMAN/ROGER CORMAN (uncredited) Co-writer Brinkley stars as a young man who wants revenge after his cop dad was offed by a rip-off gang led by Ed Nelson. He goes undercover for the cops. Miller is also in it. With Beach Dickerson (the assistant director, too), Coleman Francis (THE BEAST FROM YUCCA FLATS) and Vic Tayback as a cop. So-so b/w programmer was originally on a double bill with the much better HIGH SCHOOL BIG SHOT, the first two releases from Corman’s Filmgroup. Harbinger didn’t direct anything else.

THE TEACHER (the seductress) (1974 US) D/W/P: HIKMET AVEDIS Jay North (known for being Dennis the Menace on tv) is an impressionable teen who’s roped into spying on his sexy teacher (Angel Tompkins) sunbathing topless on a boat by his friend with binoculars. But the friend’s disturbed voyeur ’nam vet brother (recognisable Anthony James) accidentally kills the younger brother. He scares North into keeping quiet but keeps lurking around. Meanwhile, Tompkins seduces North with his mother’s blessing! This is a typically odd mixture of heady subject matter and carefree sex that you only find in drive-in movies of its era. Like a lot of these films it’s very entertaining. With Sivi Aberg.

TEACHING MRS. TINGLE (1999 US) D/W: KEVIN WILLIAMSON P: CATHY KONRAD Katie Holmes (DISTURBING BEHAVIOUR) is a straight A student with only horrible, strict history teacher Mrs. Tingle (British sex symbol Helen Mirren) standing between her and a scholarship. After a series of misunderstandings and heated moments, Mirren ends up tied to a bed in her own home while Homes and friends Barry Watson and Marisa Coughlan try to work out what to do with her and how to rectify the situation. The devious Mirren plans how to fuck with their minds while lying in bed in this very tame teen thriller that was marketed as a horror film (Williamson wrote SCREAM and directed the awful I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER). The occasional use of a crossbow is the only violence, there is no suspense, the comic relief is not funny, and the predictable stalker-in-the-house final reel culminates in a terrible ending. With Jeffrey Tambor as the kinky coach, Michael McKean as the principal, Molly Ringwald as a secretary, Vivicia A. Fox as a guidance counsellor (a shrink for teens), and Lesley Ann Warren.

TEARING JAWS See: THE SHARK HUNTER (1979)

TEARS OF THE BLACK TIGER (fah talai jone) (2000 THAI) D/W: WISIT SASANATIENG P: NONZEE NIMIBUTR Unique Thai western about a cowboy and his lifelong, complicated love for a girl from a higher class family is visually stunning, with lots of bright, vivid colours backed by a lush, green backdrop (beautiful locations). I don’t think its deadpan mix of high drama, comedy and technically impressive action and gore (!) works that well, but without much to compare it with I recommend you take a cursory look.

THE TECHNICIAN See: SAVAGE!

TED BUNDY (2002 UK US) D/W: MATTHEW BRIGHT W: STEPHEN JOHNSTON P: HAMISH McALPINE/MICHAEL MUSCAL Real-life rapist and serial killer Ted Bundy (Michael Reilly Burke) is first seen as a kleptomaniac and wannabe “ladies’ man” in Seattle, 1974. He follows a girl home and jerks off outside her window. He hits another on the head and steals her bag. Soon he starts sexually assaulting his victims, and it’s not long before he kills. Meanwhile, law student Bundy works as a Samaritan and convinces his reluctant straight-laced girlfriend to take part in submissive sex games. Eventually he leaves her for a cross-country run of murder and rape that lasts longer than it should because the cops let him escape twice! Scenes of Bundy raping blood-spattered girls are pretty strong sometimes and Burke is intense, but there’s nice black humour in here, too. Tom Savini provided FX and has a part as a police interrogator. Tracey Walter has a good part. With Susan Featherly, Tiffany Shepis, Ward Shrake and some footage of the real Bundy. It ends with him in the electric chair. I think it’s the best film of its type since HENRY. Bright also directed the FREEWAY movies. Johnston wrote ED GEIN.

TEENAGE BRIDE See: PLEASE DON’T TOUCH ME

TEENAGE CAVEMAN (out of the darkness; prehistoric world) (1958 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: R. WRIGHT CAMPBELL Young Robert Vaughn is a rebellious, trailblazing tribesman who ignores the tribe elders and their antiquated laws and attempts to explore the dangerous land beyond his makeshift village. Stock footage from ONE MILLION B.C. threatens. This 65 mins b/w programmer has been endlessly ridiculed, but I think Corman was onto something interesting by transferring the then current rebellious juvenile delinquent elements into a prehistoric fantasy. Beach Dickerson has four roles, one as a bear and another as an uncovered astronaut in a monster suit who narrates the surprise ending. Also with Jonathan Haze, Darrah Marshall, Ed Nelson, Frank DeCorva, Robert Shayne, Leslie Bradley and Barboura Morris.

TEENAGE CAVEMAN (2001 US) D: LARRY CLARK W: CHRISTOS N. GAGE P: LOU ARKOFF/COLLEEN CAMP/STAN WINSTON (uncredited) In a postnuke future humans are back to living in caves, but talk and act just as they do now. Andrew Keegan is a teen fed-up of his tribe’s elder using his influence to fuck young girls, so leads a small group of youngsters on a journey to find their own way of life. They end up in a forgotten, still-standing city where a young man and a woman (Tiffany Limos) show them tv, a bath, get them to try alcohol and cocaine, and start an orgy. Most of them enjoy this new freedom, but Keegan and his girlfriend discover that they’re shape-shifting “ancients” who don’t age thanks to genetic engineering, have remarkable self-healing abilities, can cause hallucinations, and are spreading a sexually transmitted virus that causes people to explode! This odd, modern take on juvenile delinquency sci-fi horror is not totally successful, but engagingly different. It’s what you get when you hire the controversial director of KIDS to helm a cable remake of a 50s Roger Corman movie. With Paul Hipp. Samuel Z. Arkoff was the executive producer and Gage was an associate producer.

TEEN-AGE CRIME WAVE (1955 US) D: FRED F. SEARS W: RAY BUFFUM/HARRY ESSEX P: SAM KATZMAN Hot-headed sociopathic delinquent Tommy Cook leads some teens down the wrong path as they reluctantly get involved with a bank hold-up and a farmhouse siege in this forgettable b/w programmer. With James Bell, Guy Kingsford, Larry J. Blake, Robert Bice and Helen Brown.

TEENAGE CRUSADE See: TEENAGE U.F.O. ROCK’N’ROLL MONSTER SHOW

TEENAGE DRACULA See: DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN

TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN See: I WAS A TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN

TEENAGE GIRL GANG See: THE VIOLENT YEARS

TEENAGE MUTANT HERO TURTLES See: TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (1990 US HK) D: STEVE BARRON W: TODD W. LANGEN/BOBBY HERBECK P: KIM DAWSON/SIMON FIELDS/DAVID CHAN Raymond Chow was the executive producer of this big screen outing for the once hugely popular cartoon and merchandise characters based on comic books created by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird. Four man-size mutated turtles live in the city sewer system, fight crime and eat pizza. A martialarts fighting rat called Splinter is their mentor. This sounds promisingly weird, but trust me, it ain’t. With Elias Koteas, Sam Rockwell, Mark Jeffrey Miller, Joe Inscoe, Skeet Ulrich and the voice of Corey Feldman. In the UK the word “ninja” was considered too violent (!), so all TMNT products, shows and movies were retitled TEENAGE MUTANT HERO TURTLES. A 1991 sequel (subtitled THE SECRET OF THE OOZE) was more irritating (and featured a cameo from Vanilla Ice), while a third (in 1993) offered no improvement. Just when we thought we had got all this crap out of our system, there was a 2007 animated feature, and in 2014 we were “treated” to a big-budget live-action update from that connoisseur of the cinematic sublime, Michael Bay (fresh off of four mindnumbing TRANSFORMERS movies). The sky IS falling.

THE TEENAGE PSYCHO MEETS BLOODY MARY See: THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED UP ZOMBIES!!?

TEENAGE REBEL (1956 US) D/W: EDMUND GOULDING W/P: CHARLES BRACKETT W: WALTER REISCH Ginger Rogers’ aloof teenage daughter (Betty Lou Keim) from a previous marriage comes to stay with her in this b/w drama that’s not bad, but has only minimum rock’n’roll twisting and hot rod racing for a 50s teen angst movie. With Michael Rennie, Louise Beavers, Warren Berlinger, Gary Gray, Irene Harvey and Sheila James Kuehl.

TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE (the gargon terror) (1959 US) D/W/P: TOM GRAEFF A drill-shaped spaceship screws itself into the ground near Bronson Canyon one night. The aliens emerge, kill a dog and decide that the Earth is suitable to raise their “Gargon herds” (lobsters that grow to giant size, cleverly shown in silhouette only). However, one of the aliens (called Derek (!), played by David Love, real name Chuck Roberts) is totally against the destruction of humankind and runs away to warn people of the imminent invasion. Another always angry alien takes chase and turns people into skeletons with a ray gun in some seriously cool scenes. It’s a fun b/w sci-fi classic of its kind, the only one made by Graeff (who also edited and composed some of the music). My favourite character is the cheerful, trusting grampa (Harvey P. Dunn) who gets to say, “those crazy kids”. With (Robert) King Moody. You may recognise the soundtrack from NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. I’m eagerly awaiting the Graeff/TEENAGERS doc THE BOY FROM OUT OF THIS WORLD.

TEENAGE SHE DEVIL See: SINTHIA, THE DEVIL’S DOLL

TEEN-AGE STRANGLER (1964 US) D: “BILL POSNER” (BEN PARKER) W/P: CLARK DAVIS Someone is strangling schoolgirls to death with stockings in West Virginia (note accents). The local leather-jacket gang (with a bulldog emblem) are the main suspects, but it turns out to be the bitter school janitor (played by none other than Ron Ormond!!!). There’s juvenile delinquent stuff, like a drag race and even some live rock music in a diner hangout. Some video versions are in b/w, but the original colour version has been on MST3K (where they made fun of the hilariously meek and nerdy younger brother character, the most entertaining thing about the film).

TEENAGE THROAT See: BEACH BLANKET BANGO

TEENAGE TORTURE See: TEENAGE ZOMBIES

TEENAGE TRAMP (adventures of a…) (1973 US) D: ANTON HOLDEN P: ANTHONY PARELLA A blonde knockout (Alisha Fontaine) and her draughtdodging boyfriend are on the run. She has to ball an obnoxious trucker to get them to her neurotic older sister’s house where she lives with an artist (who, of course, fucks Fontaine, too). A gang of hippies led by a mean drug-dealer turn up and take over the nice house, partying in the pool and providing non-stop bongos. It all ends tragically. Throwaway, forgettable drivel was the last feature from the director of RENT-A-GIRL, AROUSED and CARGO OF LOVE.

TEENAGE U.F.O. ROCK’N’ROLL MONSTER SHOW (1993 US) Johnny Legend presents this almost two-hour compilation tape for Something Weird Video. As well as trailers for movies (and some spook shows) you also get two short films. TWIST CRAZE from 1961 has a twist promoter holding a surf instrumental/twist show at a high society club. Soon the crowd join in with the dancers onstage. Great fun. Directed and produced by Allan David, Bill Rebane was the executive producer! It was originally screened as the opening short for TWIST ALL NIGHT. TEENAGE CRUSADE is a decidedly more sinister promotional film from “Family Films” advertising their line of religious tales aimed at teenagers. With a clip from TEENAGE TESTAMENT that has a young man scalding his peers who laugh at him for carrying the New Testament everywhere in his pocket. Some of the best trailers are for TEENAGE TORTURE, TEENAGE CAVEMAN, KEY WITNESS (with Dennis Hopper), THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH, THE HALLUCINATION GENERATION, I AM A GROUPIE, PSYCH-OUT, WILD IN THE STREETS and MEDICINE BALL CARAVAN. One spook show is called DR. JECKYL AND HIS REAL GONE WEIRD SHOW while another (DR. EVIL) promises a real dead body given away with every show.

TEENAGE ZOMBIES (teenage torture) (1957 US) D/W/P: “JACQUES LE COTIER” (JERRY WARREN) Water-skiing teens end up on a small island where they’re captured by Katherine Victor, a scientist working for a foreign power. She’s making a nerve gas that’s to be dropped all over America in pellets, turning the inhabitants into mindless slave worker zombies! She has just such a creature (called Ivan) working for her (and a man-in-a-suit gorilla). Warren is an acquired taste, but this is one of his more enjoyable (!?) celluloid atrocities. He made THE INCREDIBLE PETRIFIED WORLD the same year.

TEEN MONSTER (big monster on campus; boltneck; the brain) (1998 US) D: MITCH MARCUS W: DAVE PAYNE P: PAUL COLICHMAN/MARK R. HARRIS When arsehole jock types (including Justin Walker) accidentally kill the picked-on school goth weirdo, nerdy teen genius Matthew Lawrence brings him back to life, with the brain of a criminal. The big lug (played by Ryan Reynolds from VAN WILDER) becomes a hit with the girls, throws parties and makes Lawrence popular. He’s still a criminal, but this is very light stuff so nothing much exciting happens. With Judge Reinhold and Shelley Duvall as the parents, Richard Moll and Bianca Lawson.

TEEN WOLF (1985 US) D: ROD DANIEL W: JOSEPH LOEB III/MATTHEW WEISMAN P: MARK LEVINSON/ SCOTT M. ROSENFELT In one of the worst hits of the 80s Michael J. Fox discovers he’s a high school werewolf. With Troy Evans, James Hampton and Lynda Wisemeier. A sequel and an animated tv series followed.

TEEN WOLF TOO (1987 US) D: CHRISTOPHER LEITCH W: TIM KRING/MATTHEW WEISMAN/JOSEPH LOEB P: KENT BATEMAN Jason Bateman replaced Fox in one of the least wanted sequels ever. He’s actually Fox’s character’s cousin. With Hampton, John Astin and Kathleen Freeman. A new TEEN WOLF tv series debuted in 2011.

TEKKEN: THE MOTION PICTURE (1997 JPN ANIMATED) D: KUNIHIJA SUGISHIMA W: RYOTA YAMAGUCHI Lifeless animated feature (that runs less than an hour) based on the hit video game about martial arts fighters with superhuman strength. The plot copies ENTER THE DRAGON with an island tournament and there are invisible dinosaurs.

TEKKON KINKURITO (2006 JPN ANIMATED) D: MICHAEL ARIAS W: ANTHONY WEINTRAUB P: EIICHI KAMAGATA/EIKO TANAKA/MASAROU TOYOSHIMA/ FUMIO UEDA Overlooked and really quite excellent and superbly animated tale of White (voiced by Yu Aoi) and Black, a couple of streetfighting street urchins (of indeterminate pre-junior high school age) who seem to be the last barrier to stopping ruthless gangsters and real estate developers from bulldozing their town (an almost mythical alternate downtown Tokyo). Thrilling, hypnotic and lyrical, it gets my highest recommendation. Nao Omori also provides a voice. Probably the most successful adaptation of a Taiyo Matsumoto manga. The great music is by Plaid. Director Arias (a rare non-Japanese/Korean success story in the world of Japanese anime) was a VFX artist who worked on THE ANIMATRIX.

TELEFON (1977 US) D: DON SIEGEL W: PETER HYAMS/ STIRLING SILLIPHANT P: JAMES B. HARRIS This is one of the better movies starring Charles Bronson, from the director of DIRTY HARRY. He’s a KGB agent (with a photographic memory) who has to stop human time-bombs that were programmed in the 50s to destroy America if a nuclear attack ever came. They were hypnotised and can be triggered for a suicide mission by hearing a phrase spoken over the phone. Donald Pleasence is the Stalinist villain who reawakens the oblivious killers. It’s based on Walter Wager’s trashy, fast-paced 1975 novel. Another of his novels became TWILIGHT’S LAST GLEAMING the same year. With Lee Remick, Patrick Magee, Tyne Daly, Sheree North, John Mitchum, Frank Martin, Roy Jenson and Ake Lindman.

TELEPATHY 2000 See: SCANNERS

TELL ME SOMETHING (1999 S.KOR) D/W/P: YOONHYUN CHANG W: EUN-AH IN/EUN-JEONG KIM/ SU-CHANG KONG/HYE-WEON SHIM P: BON-HAN KU Suk-kyu Han stars as a detective in this way above average serial killer movie. Bin liners full of bodyparts are being discovered (in gloriously grisly scenes) all over the city. They belong to men who are in some way connected to mysterious woman-indanger Eun-ha Shim. The main suspect is an obsessive stalker. Engrossing but also infuriating for many viewers, the rampant ambiguity does actually work to its advantage. But you have to pay attention. With Jung-ah Yum, Hang-seon Jang, Seok-hwan An and Jun-sang Yu. Fans of Italian giallo may want to take a look at this one.

THE TELL-TALE HEART (the horror man; the hidden room of 1,000 horrors) (1960 UK) D: ERNEST MORRIS W: BRIAN CLEMENS/ELDON HOWARD P: EDWARD J. & HARRY LEE DANZIGER Edgar Poe (Laurence Payne) is a respected but shy librarian (in the Rue Morgue) who falls for a new neighbour and florist (Adrienne Corri), whom he spies on undressing from his house across the street. The smitten, smothering Poe pales in comparison to his more dashing and experienced woman-chasing best friend (Dermot Walsh), so jealousy soon demands the friend be resting under the floorboards, the victim of a fatal blow from an iron fire poker. The sound of his beating heart (utilised for an amusing precredit William Castle-like gimmick) drives Poe crazy. This effective b/w version of Edgar Allan Poe’s oft-filmed tale (there are countless short film adaptations, several of which are animated, from around the world) looks much older than it is, but this has the curious effect of making the light gore and sexy scenes seem much spicier and charged. With Frank Thornton. Clemens is known for writing many of the better AVENGERS episodes and directing CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER (1973). Howard worked on the screenplay for HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND (1959)! The Danzigers backed several low-budget productions, the most famous nowadays being the 1954 classic DEVIL GIRL FROM MARS (which also had Corri in). An earlier British feature version of HEART was in 1934. It also made anthology appearances for the 1914 THE AVENGING CONSCIENCE, 1949’s UNUSUAL TALES (from France) and the Argentine MASTER OF HORROR in 1960 (with that particular episode being later expanded into the feature LEGEND OF HORROR).

TELL YOUR CHILDREN See: REEFER MADNESS

THE TEMP (1993 US) D: TOM HOLLAND W: KEVIN FALLS W/P: TOM ENGELMAN P: DAVID PERMUT Timothy Hutton is a marketing manager for a biscuit company who is assigned temporary secretary Lara Flynn Boyle. She seduces him and kills people in this pretty uninspired psycho thriller. With Faye Dunaway, Dwight Schultz, Oliver Platt, Steven Weber, Dakin Matthews, Maura Tierney, Lin Shaye and Jesse Vint. Several different endings were filmed.

THE TEMPTER (the antichrist; l’anticristo) (1974 ITL) D/W: ALBERTO DE MARTINO W: GIANFRANCO CLERICI/ VINCENZO MANNINO P: EDMONDO AMATI Carla Gravina is a bitter, psychic cripple in a wheelchair after being in a car crash that killed her mother. As she loses her faith in God, she becomes slowly possessed by the Devil. She foams at the mouth, speaks in a demonic echo void, spits green bile (and makes someone lick it up), levitates, makes furniture float, and seduces then kills a teen boy (his head spins around). It has something to do with her ancestor being a Satanist nun. Arthur Kennedy and George Coulouris are the priests in this typical EXORCIST ripoff that’s developed a cult following it doesn’t really deserve. With Mel Ferrer as her dad fucking a young blonde, Alida Valli as the housekeeper, Remo Girone, Lea Lander, Umberto Orsini, a headless frog, an orgy in Hell dream sequence and a score by Ennio Morricone and Bruno Nicolai. Aristide Massaccesi (aka Joe D’Amato) shot it. The uncut version runs 113 mins. De Martino’s other Antichrist movie was the OMEN copy HOLOCAUST 2000. Both screenwriters wrote many films for Lucio Fulci and Ruggero Deodato. [Illus.]

TENAFLY (1973 US) D: RICHARD A. COLLA W: RICHARD LEVINSON/WILLIAM LINK P: JON EPSTEIN Black action features proved so popular and profitable in the early 70s that tv started to move in on that territory (there was even a SHAFT tv series). James McEachin plays Harry Tenafly, an ex-cop turned private investigator who helps a radio DJ solve his wife’s murder in this pilot for a short-lived tv series. It’s ok for what it is, but simply replaces a typically white character with a black one and that’s it. The story is strictly formula-driven stuff and it’s no surprise it didn’t revolutionise tv. With Ed Nelson, David Huddleston and guest star Mel Ferrer. Levinson and Link usually wrote for COLUMBO.

THE TENANT (le locataire) (1976 FRA) D/W: ROMAN POLANSKI W: GERARD BRACH P: ANDREW BRAUNSBERG Polanski takes the lead as a Polish office worker in Paris who rents an apartment in a big old building after the woman who previously lived there leapt to her death from the balcony. The annoying neighbours constantly complain about noise and seem to be trying to get him evicted. He finds a tooth hidden in the wall and notices all manner of unnerving, unexplained weirdness. Based on Roland Topor’s novel, this masterpiece of paranoia does not convey well on paper. Better that you just watch one of Polanski’s finest for yourself and see a master at the height of his craft. With Isabelle Adjani, Shelley Winters as the concierge, Melvyn Douglas, Jo Van Fleet, Claude Dauphin, Bernard Fresson, Claude Pieplu Rufus, Jacques Monod, David Gabison, Bernard-Pierre Donnadieu, Gerard Jugnot, Helena Manson, Albert Delpy and Alain Sarde. My favourite touch is the people who do nothing in the toilet. Brach co-wrote most of Polanski’s movies, and THE NAME OF THE ROSE and Argento’s PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

TEN BROTHERS OF SHAOLIN (warriors of the sacred temple; sap daai dai ji; sha da di zi) (1979 TAI) D/P: TING CHUNG W: SI TOU MING Wong Tao heads the heroes of the title and Chang Yi and Leung Kar Yan are villains in this unremarkable kung fu film that nonetheless has enough decent fighting to entertain genre fans. With Judy Lee, Phillip Ko Fei, O Yau Man and Stephen Tung Wai. Choreography by Lee Ming Wen.

TENCHU! See: HITOKIRI

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (1956 US) D/P: CECIL B. DeMILLE W: AENEAS MACKENZIE/JESSE L. LASKY JR./JACK GARISS/FRED M. FRANK Charlton Heston is Moses, Prince of Egypt, Bedouin shepherd and leader of the Israelites. Yul Brynner is his nemesis, Rameses, King of Egypt. DeMille’s almost four-hour remake of his own silent epic (and his last film as director, he appears at the beginning to introduce it) seems somehow less… well, epic than its predecessor, Blu-ray not being overly kind to its rear-projection FX, and often stagey set design. They also missed a trick by not showing the Ten Plagues of Egypt. That said, it’s pretty entertaining stuff all the way, and sometimes amusingly camp. With (here we go) Vincent Price, Edward G. Robinson, John Derek, Yvonne De Carlo, H.B. Warner, Clint Walker, Debra Paget, Ann Baxter, Cedric Hardwicke, Robert Vaughn, Judith Anderson, Michael Ansara, Nina Foch, Woody Strode (the King of Ethiopia), John Carradine, George Melford, John Merton, Rodd Redwing, Addison Richards, Keith Richards, Onslow Stevens, Frank Wilcox, Herb Alpert, Luis Alberni, Robert Brice, Steve Darrell, Frankie Darro, Edward Searle, Richard Farnsworth, Franklyn Farnum, Gavin Gordon, John Hart, Frank Lackteen, Gordon Mitchell, Jon Peters, Martha Scott, Olive Deering, Douglass Dumbrille, Frank DeKova, Carl Switzer, Henry Wilcox, Eduard Franz, Donald Curtis, Lawrence Dobkin, Julia Faye, John Miljan, Francis McDonald, Ian Keith, Joan Woodbury, Rushdy Abazar, Dorothy Adams, Eric Alden, Henry Brandon, Mike Connors, Fred Kohler Jr., Kenneth MacDonald and Peter Mamahos. Fidel Castro might have been an extra! Informed by the writings of Rev J.H. Ingraham (Pillars Of Fire), Rev. A.F. Southon (On Eagle’s Wing) and Dorothy Clarke Wilson (Prince Of Egypt). Music by Elmer Bernstein, it was shot by Loyal Griggs. MOSES THE LAW-GIVER was a 1974 miniseries, MOSES was a tv movie from 1995 starring Ben Kingsley, Val Kilmer (also in THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: THE MUSICAL in 2006) was the voice of Moses and God (!) in the 1998 DreamWorks animation THE PRINCE OF EGYPT, 2006 saw another THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, and there was an animated one in 2007.

TENDER AND PERVERSE EMANUELLE (french emanuelle: le chemis solitaire; frissons sur la peau; tender et perverse emanuelle) (1973 FRA) D/W: “A.L. MARIAUX” (JESÚS FRANCO) W: DAVID KHUN Some boring pianist commits suicide by jumping from a cliff and her insanely jealous husband and a psychiatrist she was fucking on the side investigate. A bespectacled Lina Romay keeps her clothes on to solve the mystery in a Martha/Scooby-Doo way. Alice Arno, Jack Taylor, Antonio Mayans, Dan Von Husen and Alberto Dalbes are also in this excruciatingly dull picture.

TENDER FLESH (carne fresca) (1997 SPN US) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO P: KEVIN COLLINS/HUGH GALLAGHER/ PETER BLUMENSTOCK Just when he was finally beginning to slow down his rapid output of crap, Draculina fanzine editor Gallagher convinced Franco to churn out more for the fans! This MOST DANGEROUS GAME remake is one of his first comeback features. Amber Newman is nude most of the time as she’s invited to some bored, rich perverts’ island estate. She has to take part in a death hunt in the woods and eventually ends up cooked and served on a tray. A very short-haired Lina Romay has her boots licked by a woman on all fours. With Monique Parent and Aldo Sambrell. It’s more depressing than anything else.

TENDERNESS OF THE WOLVES (zartlich keit der wolfe) (1973 W.GER) D: ULLI LOMMELL W: KURT RAAB P: RAINER WERNER FASSBINDER Screenwriter Raab is very good as Fritz Haarmann, the homosexual serial killer who drank the blood of young men (and boys) and fed the meat to his guests. M was loosely based on the same real-life incidents. This replaces that classic’s harsh, highly strung air of hysteria with a looser, if no less disturbing storytelling style and atmosphere. Not one for exploitation fans (despite the subject matter), it’s slow, low-key but very well done. Fassbinder protégé Lommell later made more commercial fare like THE BOOGEYMAN in the US. Fassbinder himself has a part here. With Jürgen Prochnow (another busy name in the US exploitation scene) and Brigitte Mira. Remade as DEATH MAKER (1995).

TENEBRAE (unsane; shadow; sotto gli occhi dell’assassino) (1982 ITL) D/W: DARIO ARGENTO P: CLAUDIO ARGENTO Another overrated Argento giallo. Someone with the usual get-up (black gloves etc.) is killing people. Horror author Anthony Franciosca may be involved somehow. The celebrated long tracking shot is impressive, but also a perfect example of the director’s preference for visual style over human interest and storytelling. With Daria Nicolodi (whose voice is dubbed by Theresa Russell in the cut English-language dub), John Steiner, Giuliano Gemma (from many spaghetti westerns), Ennio Girolami, Marino Mase and an uncredited Lamberto Bava and Michael Soavi. An arm being sliced off is the gore highlight.

TENEMENT (game of survival; slaughter in the south bronx) (1985 US) D: ROBERTA FINDLAY W: JOEL BENDER/RICK MARX P: WALTER E. SEAR Crack-smoking thugs terrorise tenants in a slum apartment in the Bronx for revenge when one of them is arrested. This good, dark and very violent exploitation movie features murder and rape, until the tenants fight back.

TEN FINGERS OF STEEL (wang yu, king of boxers; screaming tiger; tang ren piao ke; tong yan piu haak) (1973 HK) D: KIM LUNG W: HOH HO P: SI CHIU-YAM Jimmy Wang Yu is out for revenge in the North of Japan in one of his most well-known and widely seen starring roles. Unfortunately it’s far from his best vehicle, and is a pretty below par kung fu flick with only a final fight atop a moving train making it worthwhile for completists (and Jimmy beating up some sumo wrestlers, I suppose). Lung Fei is the main baddie, with Cheung Ching Ching, Got Siu Bo, Liu Ping, Shan Mao, Sit Hon, Ma Kei, Cheng Fu Hung, Wong Fei Lung and Lui Ming. If you’re interested in checking out Wang Yu, try ONE ARMED BOXER or THE CHINESE BOXER instead.

10 RILLINGTON PLACE (1970 UK) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: CLIVE EXTON P: LESLIE LINDER/ MARTIN RANSOHOFF A Welshman (John Hurt), his wife (Judy Geeson) and baby girl move into a London flat owned by Mr. John Christie (Richard Attenborough in a chilling, understated performance). Little do they know that he’s a compulsive liar and serial killer who gases women unconscious before strangling them to death. Based on the real-life case that first came to trial in 1950 (and a book about it by Ludovic Kennedy), this low-key look at kitchensink mental illness is very effective, disturbing and accurate. The judge is played by the original tv Quatermass, André Morell. With Robert Hardy, Basil Dignam, Sam Kydd and Edward Woodward. Fleischer’s other true crime movies were THE BOSTON STRANGLER and COMPULSION (Leopold/Loeb).

TENSION See: AUTOPSY

TENTACLES (tentacoli) (1976 ITL) D/P: “OLIVER HELLMAN” (OVIDIO G. ASSONITIS) W: JEROME MAX/ TITO CARPI/STEVE W. CARBATOSOI/SONIA MOLTENI P: E.F. DORIA A giant octopus attracted by radio signals sucks the life out of Italian actors, the result of an underwater digging machine. The name Americans are John Huston, Shelley Winters (who wears a very big hat), Bo Hopkins and Henry Fonda. With Delia Boccardo, Franco Diogene and Claude Akins. Nothing much happens and the monster is barely seen. Pretty boring.

THE TENTACLES See: CENTIPEDE!

THE 10TH VICTIM (la dixième victime) (1965 ITL FRA) D/W: ELIO PETRI W: TONINO GUERRA/GIORGIO SALVIONI/ENNIO FLAJANO/ERNESTO GASTALDI P: CARLO PONTI This interesting ahead-of-its-time sci-fi satire is worth a look. In the 21st century, violence has been legalised for “the hunt” which works as a safety valve for society. A computer in Geneva picks “the hunter” and “the victim”, the hunter must kill the victim to win a cash prize, and the victim can kill in defence. A victim is notified that they are such, but not told who will be after them. A hunter is given all the information on his victim. A person can be both a hunter and a victim. It’s still illegal to kill anyone not involved in the game. A kill results in a cash prize, and a hunter becomes a celebrity after ten successful kills (a rare occurrence). Propaganda (like “why have birth control when you can have death control?”) is heard everywhere and comic books are considered classics of literature. Ursula Andress is an American who travels to Rome for her tenth victim (Marcello Mastroianni), himself a skilled veteran hunter. The Pope is American. Advertising companies want live coverage of the kills to help sell products, and there are some weird props, sets and characters. THE 10TH VICTIM is excellent, thought-provoking entertainment (with a funny streak of satire) all the way through up until the illconceived, confusing (and very 60s) ending. Joseph E. Levine was the executive producer of this adaptation of Robert Sheckley’s story The Seventh Victim. With Elisa Martinelli, Massimo Serato and Mickey Knox.

TEN TIGERS OF KWANGTUNG (gong dung sap foo hing yik ng sui; guang dong shi hu xing yi wu xu) (1979 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW/MONA FONG Rival gangs of kung fu experts are played against each other and used to capture a political refugee by an evil emperor and his cronies. Years later, a different generation continue the rivalry. Kuang’s excellent, fully realised script and great fight choreography combine wonderfully under Cheh’s solid direction to form another classic in his filmography. And let’s not forget the cast: Wang Lik, Ti Lung, Fu Sheng, Wei Pei, Lung Teng Sheng, Chinag Sheng, Philip Kwok, Lo Meng, Lu Feng, Sun Chien, Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Chen Siu Ho, Ku Feng, Lung Ten Hsiang, Walter Tso Tat-Wah, Dick Wei, Chaing Nan, Shum Lo, Jamie Luk, Wong Ching Ho and Lam Wai. Watch for the head being kicked off. OPIUM AND THE KUNG FU MASTER was a loose follow up.

TERMINAL CHOICE (critical list; death bed; death list; trauma) (1982 CAN) D: SHELDON LARRY W: NEAL BELL/PETER LAWRENCE P: GARY MAGDER Patients at a computerised hospital are being killed off by malfunctioning machinery in this above average mystery filmed in Montreal. Joe Spano and Teri Austin are the stars investigating the human figure behind the “errors”. It runs out of steam a little at the end, but the sarcastic characters and dialogue are more engaging than usual, and the story is different. With David McCallum, Ellen Barkin, Robert Joy, Diane Venora, Nicholas Campbell, Don Francks and James Kidnie.

TERMINAL COUNTDOWN See: Y2K

TERMINAL ERROR (peace virus; MP3) (2002 US) D: JOHN MURLOWSKI W: T.L. PETRIE A very grimlooking Michael Nouri stars as some kind of computer software designer whose neglected teen son unwittingly uploads a virus onto his computer at work. This being an illogical, stupid direct-to-video bowel movement, the virus is an unstoppable, always mutating digi-disease that can do everything and develops a mind of its own. Timothy Busfield is the creep responsible and Marina Sirtis is Nouri’s ex. Avoid.

TERMINAL JUSTICE See: CYBERTECH P.D.

THE TERMINAL MAN (1974 US) D/W/P: MIKE HODGES This low-key thriller with artistic pretensions (note black and white colour scheme and classical, undynamic piano score) is not what you’d expect from a major studio (Warners) adapting a Michael Crichton novel nowadays. George Segal stars as a brilliant computer system designer who develops a sudden mistrust for all machines. He rapes his wife and shoots his neighbours (not seen) during a violent blackout/seizure. Surgeons investigating the possibility of brain tumours causing such attacks experiment on him by putting a computer in his head. It’s supposed to shock his system into suppressing the violent urges, but after Segal runs away from the hospital with his girlfriend it’s obvious the operation was a failure and he stabs her to death. The rest of this very slow-moving (and overlong) movie has the authorities tracking down the confused killer. Some interesting ideas are dropped too soon so it doesn’t get too interesting on that level, and it sure doesn’t work as sci-fi action. With Joan Hackett, Jill Clayburgh, Donald Moffat, James Sikking, Matt Clarke, Ian Wolfe and Vic Argo.

TERMINAL RUSH (1995 CAN) D/P: DAMIAN LEE W: MARK SEVI Roddy Piper wears eyeband-look makeup and takes hostages at a dam. Deputy sheriff (and executive producer) Don “The Dragon” Wilson does a DIE HARD. There’s more talk than action, and endless scenes of soldiers running and scaling mountains in this terrible Royal Oaks release. With Michael Anderson, Brett Halsey and David Sparrow.

TERMINAL VELOCITY (1994 US) D: DERAN SARAFIAN W: DAVID TWOHY P: TOM ENGELMAN/SCOTT KROOPF Charlie Sheen is a wisecracking skydiving instructor who is blamed for the death of student Nastassja Kinski. But she’s alive and an ex-KGB spy to boot. She’s trying to stop other agents hijacking a gold shipment. It’s all pretty ridiculous with lots of stunts. With Christopher MacDonald, James Gandolfini, Melvin Van Peebles and Rance Howard. DROP ZONE was released the same year.

THE TERMINATOR (1984 US) D/W: JAMES CAMERON W/P: GALE ANN HURD W: WILLIAM WISHER Arnold Schwarzenegger (in the role that made him famous) is the killer cyborg sent back from the future (where there’s a war on) to terminate the future resistance leader’s mother (Linda Hamilton). Michael Biehn is also sent back to save her. Inspired by a Harlan Ellison-scripted Outer Limits episode, CYBORG 2087 (1966) and LA JETÉE, THE TERMINATOR is a highly entertaining sci-fi action movie that deserved to be the huge hit that it was (and it’s still being copied). With Paul Winfield, Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton, Brian Thompson, Dick Miller and Marianne Mullerleile. Stan Winston provided the FX. It was a definite step up from Cameron’s work on PIRANHA 2.

TERMINATOR II (1989) See: SHOCKING DARK

TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY (1991 US FRA) D/W/P: JAMES CAMERON W: WILLIAM WISHER This expensive ($100m) sequel is lighter, with more comedy but is still a damn good follow up that should keep you entertained for its long (over two hours) running time. Schwarzenegger returns as a good (non-violent) terminator who must save Hamilton and son (Edward Furlong) from the sophisticated T-1000 (Robert Patrick) who’s disguised as a cop. Patrick and the ILM and Stan Winston FX that morph his liquid metal skin are the real stars of this show, however. With Joe Morton, Michael Biehn (in the special edition version), Xander Berkeley, Dean Norris and Scott Shaw. You might be interested to learn that Jim Muro (STREET TRASH) operated a Steadicam for this movie.

TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES (2003 US GER) D: JONATHAN MOSTOW W: JOHN D. BRANCATO/MICHAEL FERRIS/TEDI SARAFIAN P: MATTHIAS DEYLE/HAL LIEBERMAN/JOEL B. MICHAELS/ANDREW G. VAJNA/COLIN WILSON An adult John Connor (Nick Stahl) and veterinarian Claire Danes are pursued by an advanced female Terminatrix (Kristanna Loken) in this $170m sequel. Arnold Schwarzenegger returns as a different “good” Terminator sent back to help them survive the impending, inevitable Judgement Day. Parts of this entry look awesome and the many destructive chase scenes are worth seeing on a big-screen, but it loses its edge by having too much comedy and messing with sci-fi rules laid down in previous entries. With Christopher Lawford, Jay Acovone, M.C. Gainey, Chris Hardwick and Stan Winston makeup and animatronics. TERMINATOR 4: SALVATION (2009) was rubbish.

THE TERMINATORS See: LIVE LIKE A COP, DIE LIKE A MAN

TERRIBLE ANGEL See: THE SAVIOUR OF THE SOUL

THE TERRIBLE SECRET OF DR. HICHCOCK See: THE TERROR OF DR. HICHCOCK

THE TERRIBLE TRUTH (1951 US) Ten mins colour Sid Davis production is a fairly typical anti-drug educational scare film. Phyllis starts her downward spiral on reefer (“everything speeds up to a hundred miles an hour”) and ends up a heroin junky. It may be a Commie trick, we are told by the on-screen narrator whose mouth and voice are badly out of sync. And remember, “pot, that’s jive talk for marijuana”.

THE TERROR (the haunting) (1963 US) D/W/P: ROGER CORMAN D/W: JACK HILL D: FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA/MONTE HELLMAN W: LEO GORDON Nicholson plays a soldier of Napoleon’s army who’s become lost from his unit. He ends up at Boris Karloff’s castle on the coast, where the spirit of a dead young woman seems to walk. Nothing special, but an effective, atmospheric quickie from Corman that was (initially) shot quickly in four days before THE RAVEN sets were torn down. But Corman handed it over to associate producer Coppola to finish, and things slowed right down. Hellman was called in to finish up. Jack Hill shot a scene or two. There is no evidence to support the rumours that Nicholson or Dennis Jakob (who doubled for Karloff) shot anything. Daniel Haller was responsible for the art direction. With Dick Miller and Jonathan Haze. THE HAUNTED PALACE also used some of the same sets.

TERROR (the last house on the beach; la seltima donna) (1978 ITL) D: FRANCO PROSPERI W: ROMANO MIGLIORINI/GIAMBATTISTA MUSSETTO/ETTORE SANZO P: PINO BURICCHI A trio of bank robbers led by Ray Lovelock hide out at a big house near the sea. They terrorise the Catholic schoolgirls staying there. Florinda Bolkan is the head nun. Pretty useless revenge thriller has slo-mo rape scenes and a theme tune ripped off from Canned Heat sung by Lovelock. Director Prosperi is not to be confused with MONDO CANE’s Franco E. Prosperi.

TERROR (1978 UK) D: NORMAN J. WARREN W: DAVID McGILLIVRAY/MOIRA YOUNG W/P: LES YOUNG P: RICHARD CRAFTER A group of filmmakers based in London make a horror picture about a 300-year-old witch who was burnt at the stake by the producer’s family. Apparently, said relatives all died horribly. At a wrap party the guy’s female cousin is mesmerised, becomes possessed and tries to attack him with a sword. The rest of the film makes little sense, but a supernatural force seems to be killing off folks who come into contact with the two (a man impaled on railings, gored in a garbage truck, a studio light crushes and fries another guy, decapitation by a sheet of glass, cop run over repeatedly by a car etc.), or it could be the prime suspect cousin. This is padded out with ridiculous false scares and comedy, including the shooting of a sex comedy. Not the most coherent of films, but with all this going on it’s not boring. With a floating car and a prominent box of Daz. Writer/producer Young was also the cinematographer. McGillivray (who appears briefly as a tv reporter) is known for his scripts for Pete Walker films like FRIGHTMARE and HOUSE OF WHIPCORD, and also wrote Warren’s previous horror flick SATAN’S SLAVE (a poster for it double billed with THEY CALL HER ONE EYE can be seen). Warren made the vastly underrated PREY next.

TERROR AT HALFDAY See: MONSTER A-GO GO

TERROR AT ORGY CASTLE (1971 US) D: ZOLTAN G. SPENCER P: MANUEL CONDE An adventurous young tourist couple arrive at a European-style old castle for an offbeat holiday. They get more than they bargained for, however, and become “modern victims of medieval torment”. The countess Dominova can turn into a count, and balls two naked women. Another two chicks, naked apart from capes, emerge “from a mirror” to give the male lead head. The couple are “thoroughly turned off” during a banquet with other guests, with an illusion floor show involving a rat gnawing through a naked girl’s stomach, try to leave, but end up at a black mass where he’s drugged and forced to watch men in (comical) goats heads’ fuck his girlfriend on an altar. Shot back to back with THE HAND OF PLEASURE, on the same sets as BLOOD OF DRACULA’S CASTLE and DR. TERROR’S GALLERY OF HORROR (1967), this softcore flick with relatively explicit sex scenes is one of the least interesting of Frank Henenlotter’s Sexy Shockers unearthed by Something Weird Video. It’s pretty likely that director Spencer and producer Conde (both uncredited on the print) are one and the same.

TERROR AT RED WOLF INN (the folks at red wolf inn; terror house; club dead; terror on the menu) (1972 US) D: BUD TOWNSEND W: ALLEN J. ACTOR P: MICHAEL MACREADY A female student wins a vacation and is flown out to a remote old mansion near the beach. A conceited blonde model and a black college dropout drifter are other guests of grandma Evelyn, her husband and their childlike grandson Baby John. They’re fed lavish, homecooked meals and encouraged to eat as much as possible. Modern viewers will suss out immediately that the kindly hosts are cannibals, but this black comedy gem is more about the characters and how it all plays out than shocks or twists. The acting is uniformly excellent (particularly Baby John, who has several freakouts) and the girls are cute. With producer Macready (an associate of Bob Kelljan’s) as a local deputy in on the conspiracy. I suspect that this inspired the later (and very different) TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. I saw a 78 mins version. Much better than Townsend’s earlier NIGHTMARE IN WAX. He made an adult ALICE IN WONDERLAND (1976) next.

TERROR AT THE OPERA See: OPERA

TERROR BEACH See: NIGHT OF THE SEAGULLS

TERROR BY NIGHT (1946 US) D/P: ROY WILLIAM NEILL W: FRANK GRUBER Penultimate entry in the Basil Rathbone/Nigel Bruce Holmes and Watson series has them on-board the London to Scotland express train protecting a valuable jewel (the Star of Rhodesia). Bodies pop up as someone tries to swipe it, of course. Not one of the best entries, but at only 60 mins, it’s a fast-paced b/w programmer that’s entertaining enough. With Alan Mowbray, Dennis Hoey, Mary Forbes, Frederick Worlock, Leyland Hodgson, Billy Bevan, Boyd Davis, C. Aubrey Smith, Harry Cording and Colin Kenny. DRESSED TO KILL followed.

TERROR CIRCUS See: BARN OF THE NAKED DEAD

TERROR CREATURES FROM THE GRAVE (cinque tombe per un medium) (1965 ITL) D: “RALPH ZUCKER” (MASSIMO PUPILLO) W: ROBERT NATHAN/“ROBIN McCORIN” (ROMANO MIGLIORINI) P: FRANK MERLE An attorney’s assistant (Walter Brandt) arrives at a remote villa (a former hospital for plague victims) for an amendment to Barbara Steele’s husband’s will, but he died one year earlier. Brandt tries to determine if the letter that summoned him is a forgery, and if the husband is still alive. As well as the embittered Steele (who doesn’t have much to do) and her lover, other important characters include a beautiful, frightened stepdaughter and “Alan Collins” (Luciano Pigozzi) as a mute gardener. Some murders occur, including the inventive death involving a wheelchair and an extending blade from a chest of drawers. The (perhaps) dead man was a feared spiritualist who recorded his investigations of supernatural forces on wax cylinders. In the confusing ending of this atmospheric but slow-moving b/w gothic horror (”based on Edgar Allan Poe”), severed hands come to life and unseen (invisible?) creatures rise from graves. Rainwater saves the day. You could do much worse, but don’t put it near the top of the list. With Alfredo Rizzo and Riccardo Garrone. Pupillo also made THE BLOODY PIT OF HORROR the same year.

THE TERROR EXPERIMENT (tower of the dead; fight or flight; infected) (2010 US) D: GEORGE MENDELUK W: TODD DEEKEN P: HENRY BOGER/JUSTIN JONES/STAN SPRY Someone releases an experimental military gas (a derivation of MK-ULTRA) in an office building at Christmas. It turns people into zombie-like violent paranoids (copied from 28 DAYS LATER) who have to be shot in the head. Jason London is among the survivors trying to escape. Judd Nelson is an FBI agent trying to cover it all up, C. Thomas Howell is the fire chief, with Robert Carradine and Lochlyn Munro. 9/11 and conspiracy theories are mentioned (frequently). This very cheap-looking, shitty and boring little number was shot in Louisiana. Mendeluk (also the executive producer, and has a bit-part) has directed a lot of tv.

TERROR EXPRESS! (la ragazza del vagone letto) (1980 ITL) D: FERDINANDO BALDI W: LUIGI MONTEFIORE Werner Pochath (from MOSQUITO) leads a trio of mean thugs (“c’mon man, we were just joshing!”) who terrorise the passengers on an overnight train. Characters include a hooker, a dying woman, a not so wholesome family, and a cop transporting a prisoner. With Silvia Dionisio, Venantino Venantini and Andrea Scotti. Not as nasty as NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS, but more entertaining.

TERROR EYES (night school) (1981 US) D: KEN HUGHES W/P: RUTH AVERGON P: LARRY BABB Police in Boston search for a killer in a motorcycle crash helmet who decapitates women and leaves their heads in containers of liquid. Parts show that the suspense could be handled well, but it’s mostly boring and forgettable. The best parts are a silly, extended tease in a kitchen where you’re not sure exactly where the head will pop up, and a decapitated head in an aquarium hitting a turtle on the back of the head. Rachel Ward is the only name performer.

TERROR FIRMER (1999 US) D/W/P: LLOYD KAUFMAN W: DOUGLAS BUCK/PATRICK CASSIDY P: MICHAEL HERZ/ELIZABETH VAN MERKENSTEIN Based on Kaufman’s own history of Troma studios book All I Needed To Know About Filmmaking I Learned From The Toxic Avenger, this over-the-top self-referential homage and parody of all things Troma is at once amusing, annoying, inspired, puerile, intelligent, dumb, boring, likeable and headacheinducing. And I’m sure Kaufman and Troma fans wouldn’t have it any other way. It is one of the independent film studio’s more accomplished overkill productions, though. Highlights include fat Troma regular Joe Fleishaker eaten by an escalator, blind director Kaufman pissing on a topless Debbie Rochon while she’s being fucked (someone also pukes on her tits), someone stabbed to death with a broken bong (“dude, my brain!”), Lemmy from Motörhead, and Trey Parker and Matt Stone as hermaphrodites. Will Keenan (from TROMEO AND JULIET), Alyce La Tourelle and Trent Haaga star. With Ron Jeremy, Edouard Baer, Joseph Malerba, Joe Franklin (!) and Roxanne Michaels. There’s a plot here somewhere, too. This review refers to the unrated 114 mins version. FARTS OF DARKNESS is a Making Of documentary.

THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE See: IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE

TERROR FROM THE YEAR 5,000 (1957 US) D/W/P: ROBERT GURNEY JR. A scientist with his lab on an island in Central Florida has a machine that can snatch objects from the extreme future. The objects’ high radiation levels, and a three-eyed cat point to a dangerous world ahead of us. The hero suspects the scientist’s wealthy young playboy assistant of treachery (there’s also a love rivalry for the scientist’s daughter), and indeed the young man transports a dangerous mutant woman (with a hypnotic, very spangly and skinny radiation suit and fingernails) to the present, but she wants to drag him back to her time and mate. But in the end we find out she’s not the beautiful Salome Jens, but a hideously disfigured monster (pretty goofy makeup). Silly, minor b/w AIP release was based on Henry Slesar’s story Bottle Baby. Gurney wrote INVASION OF THE SAUCER MEN, and directed one more crime movie called EDGE OF FURY (1958).

TERROR HOUSE (1972) See: TERROR AT RED WOLF INN

TERROR HOUSE (1987) See: RATMAN

TERROR IN A TEXAS TOWN (1958 US) D: JOSEPH H. LEWIS W: “BEN L. PERRY” (DALTON TRUMBO) P: FRANK N. SELTZER Unusual and enjoyable b/w B western stars Sterling Hayden as a foreigner who discovers his landowning father was killed for oil. A crippled gunslinger has a fake metal arm, and Hayden’s weapon of choice is a harpoon! With Sebastian Cabot, Frank Ferguson, Byron Foulger, Fred Kohler Jr., Hank Patterson, Jeffrey Sayre and Glenn Strange. From the director of THE BIG COMBO and others.

TERROR IN BEVERLY HILLS (1988 US) D/W: JOHN MYHERS P: RON LAVERY/PIERRE MZADEH Palestinian terrorists led by Behrouz Vossoughi come to the US to kidnap the daughter of President William Smith (!). It’s up to ex-military martial arts teacher Frank Stallone to kick some ass in this terrible action junk from AIP. It may be of interest to Cameron Mitchell fans as he gives a pretty intense performance as an angry cop.

TERROR IN SPACE See: PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES

TERROR IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE (my world dies screaming) (1958 US) D: HAROLD DANIELS W: ROBERT C. DENNIS P: WILLIAM S. EDWARDS Gerald Mohr takes his new wife from Switzerland to a house in the US. The house turns out to be the same one in her recurring nightmares, and a blacked-out past suddenly becomes clear again in this b/w suspense bore from Howco International. The gimmick was that it was filmed in “Psycho-Rama” (that means there are occasional, not at all scary subliminal images). The Rhino Entertainment release (that omits a “Psycho-Rama” prologue and epilogue despite its claims to being “uncut”) substitutes some of the original images for the Rhino logo. The box also claims that it was banned by the US Government! With John Qualem. Daniels’ previous directing credit was BAYOU, later a hit as POOR WHITE TRASH.

TERROR IN THE MIDNIGHT SUN (space invasion of lapland; horror in the midnight sun; rymdinvasion I lappland) (1958 SWE US) D: VIRGIL W. VOGEL W: ARTHUR C. PIERCE/ROBERT M. FRESCO P: BERTIL JERNBERG A meteor-like spherical spaceship lands in the snowy wastes of Lapland, so a team of scientists and the obligatory female in danger go and investigate. A huge, furry, Yeti-like man-in-a-suit monster (controlled by aliens) is pretty cool and the main reason to watch this minimal b/w co-production (filmed in English). With Robert Burton, Bengt Blomgren, Ake Gronberg and Gosta Pru Zelius. This review refers to the original version, but see INVASION OF THE ANIMAL PEOPLE review for information on Jerry Warren’s take on this.

TERROR IN TOYLAND See: CHRISTMAS EVIL

TERROR IS A MAN See: THE BLOOD CREATURE

A TERRORIST ATE MY BRAIN (2006 US) D/W/P: BRETT YOUNG W/P: TIM REARDON G-Hoddie is a jihad rapper finalist on an American Idol-style tv talent show. People who download his latest tunes to their i-Pods are infected with a virus that turns them into flesh-eating zombies. A bicycle courier, a female mechanic and a computer expert fight back against the enemies of democracy in this fun, painless 17 mins short that gleefully plays around with potent modern stereotypes. And where else can you see Nick Zedd as Osama bin Laden?!

THE TERROR OF DR. CHANEY See: MANSION OF THE DOOMED

THE TERROR OF DR. HICHCOCK (raptus; the horrible dr. hichcock; the horrible secret of…; the secret of…; the terrible secret of…; l’orrible segreto del dottor hichcock) (1962 ITL) D: “ROBERTO HAMPTON” (RICCARDO FREDA) W: “JULYAN PERRY” (ERNESTO GASTALDI) P: LUIGI CARPENTIERI/ERMANDO DONATI Robert Flemyng used to inject his late wife with a sedative that put her in a deep sleep so he could explore his necrophiliac urges (not explicitly shown or implied, but pretty strong stuff for the early 60s). She died during complications of such a kinky game and Hichcock fled the big old house. But now he returns with new wife Barbara Steele, and the urge to begin his fetishistic games again with her is too strong. HICHCOCK is not recommended viewing for impatient viewers, but it does sustain an impressive, eerie atmosphere for horror fans who can handle the slow pace. With Silvano Tranquilli. The Internet Movie Database lists 40s black cinema icon Spencer Williams as one of the cast members, but I’m sure this is an error (another actor with the same name perhaps). THE GHOST was the follow up.

THE TERROR OF GODZILLA See: TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA

TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA (monster from an unknown planet; mechagodzilla vs godzilla; revenge of mechagodzilla; the terror of godzilla; escape of mechagodzilla; mechagojira no gyakushu) (1975 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: YUKIKO TAKAYAMA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA This was Godzilla’s 21st anniversary picture. Aliens send Mechagodzilla and sidekick Titanosaurus to fight Gojira in one of the more lame and boring sequels. It was also Honda’s swansong for Toho and last film as director. He would form a production company with Akira Kurosawa next, until his death in 1994. With Katsuhiko Sasaki, Akihiko Hirata, Tadao Nakamura, Kenji Sahara and Ikio Sawamura. There was a decade gap before GODZILLA 1985.

TERROR OF THE DOLL See: TRILOGY OF TERROR

THE TERROR OF THE VAMPIRES See: THE SHIVER OF THE VAMPIRES

THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN (1938 US) D: SAM NEWFIELD W: FRED MYTON/CLARENCE MARKS P: JED BUELL The world’s only b/w musical all-midget western. It opens with a regular-sized announcer and the hero (Billy Curtis) and the villain arguing about who’s the star. The plot is regular oater stuff about stolen cattle and there’s the usual B western comic relief and impressive stunts. But little touches like a character walking under the saloon doors make it well worth a look. And what’s with that penguin?

TERROR ON ALCATRAZ (nightmare on alcatraz) (1986 US) D: PHILLIP MARCUS D/P: MARVIN G. LIPSCHULTZ (uncredited) W: DONALD LEWIS Clint Eastwood played 1962 Alcatraz escapee Frank Morris in ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ. In this cheapie, an older Morris is portrayed by Aldo Ray as a psycho who puts a cigarette out on his alcoholic girlfriend’s bare breasts while staying at a cheap motel room. He takes a tourist trip out to Alcatraz Island, so he can get information to the whereabouts of a safe deposit key written on a cell wall. Some childish, annoying youngsters (not teens, though) party on the island and Ray kills them all. One is a hostile, alcoholic Native Indian who goes on about his ancestors. This awful, slow-moving junk features a silly surprise ending. If you’ve always wanted to see an overweight, hairy Ray in his underpants, this is the movie for you. Lipschultz appears as a cop.

TERROR ON THE BRITANNIC See: JUGGERNAUT

TERROR ON THE MENU See: TERROR AT RED WOLF INN

TERROR ON TOUR (1980 US) D: DON EDMONDS W: DELL LUKUS P: SANDY COBE A KISS/Alice Cooper-style band called The Clowns are on their “sell out” tour. A lazy stagehand and a makeup artist are the main suspects when groupies are stabbed to death by someone dressed identical to the band. Absolutely awful horror movie with the most unrock’n’roll rockers imaginable will not amuse fans of Edmonds’ ILSA classics. [Illus.]

TERROR PARK See: TRAILER PARK OF TERROR

TERROR SERPENT See: THUNDER OF GIGANTIC SERPENT

THE TERROR STRIKES See: WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST

TERROR TOONS (2002 US) D/W/P: JOE CASTRO W: RUDY BALLI/STEVEN J. ESCOBAR A “little girl” with huge silicon tits (Lizzie Borden) watches a Terror Toons dvd, and somehow sends the house into an alternate cartoon dimension. Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin (men in monster suits with funny, grotesque heads) materialise in the real world, and proceed to rip out spines and do other gory things. Carnage is a cackling, green, monster-faced surgeon (he features in the genuinely impressive opening precredit sequence), and Assassin is his “ruthless killing machine” monkey creation with a machine-gun. They terrorise “teens” Beverly Lynn and Kerry Liu (busy playing strip Ouija with their dates) by doing a silly dance that causes one guy to laugh until all his veins burst. Other gags involving oversized weapons are straight out of old cartoons (mainly, only backgrounds are minimally animated, though). The Devil turns up and turns Lynn into a superheroine in a short skirt. This crazed attempt at an outrageous cult movie does have some charm, but could be irritating if you weren’t in the mood (I was, and quite enjoyed). Moronic, but different. Mark Villalobos designed the creatures, and came up with the concept. Brain Damage Films released it, and provided a silly intro from a guy in a TRACES OF DEATH leather-jacket. Castro also made LEGEND OF THE CHUPACABRA. TERROR TOONS 2 followed in 2007.

TERROR TRAIN (1980 CAN US) D: ROGER SPOTTISWOODE W: Y.T. DRAKE/DANIEL GRODNIK (uncredited) P: HAROLD GREENBERG College graduates party on an all-night cross-country train on New Year’s Eve. A murderer picks them off one-by-one and disguises himself in their fancy dress costumes. Everyone thinks it’s an escaped looney who had been traumatised years earlier with a mean prank. Jamie Lee Curtis stars, and David Copperfield (!) embarrasses himself as the on-board magician and smooth-talker. Spottiswoode’s debut feature is an ok slasher movie, but nothing special. With Ben Johnson, Hart Bochner, Timothy Webber, Vanity (as D.D. Winters, just before she starred in TANYA’S ISLAND) and the band Crime play in the disco carriage.

TERROR TRAIN (2002) See: DERAILED

TERROR TRAP (violence trap) (2010 US) D/W/P: DAN GARCIA A bickering married couple (David James Elliott is the ex-navy husband) get run off the road in the middle of nowhere, and rude, grizzly, bearded sheriff Jeff Fahey (who’s quite amusing) directs them to a filthy hick motel for the night. They become the prey for masked killers putting on a show for paying viewers (who have popcorn!). In other rooms trafficked women are tied up and tortured. Michael Madsen seems to be in control of it all. The horror and thrills are not that well orchestrated, but the characters and acting are better than usual, and I found this not-bad-at-all blatant VACANCY ripoff engaging enough. With Andrew Sensenig (who’s also good, and reminds me of Greg Kinnear) and an unecessary coda (with out-of-place explosion). Shot in Louisiana.

THE TERROR WITHIN (1989 US) D: THIERRY NOTZ W: THOMAS McKELVEY P: ROGER CORMAN/RODMAN FLENDER A pregnant woman gives birth to a monster in a futuristic underground complex on post-nuke Earth. This is a refreshing, highly original and innovative sci-fi thriller that kept me on the edge of my seat. On second thoughts it’s another dull, overeconomical ALIEN copy complete with a chest-burster scene and a man-in-a-suit monster. With George Kennedy and Andrew Stevens (who directed the sequel).

THE TERROR WITHIN 2 (biozoid) (1990 US) D/W: ANDREW STEVENS W: LEE LANKFORD P: MIKE ELLIOT Stevens is the survivor from the first movie who makes his way to another underground installation with a vaccine for the plague. It all boils down to another escaped mutant movie, and it’s just as boring and bad as the original. With R. Lee Ermey, Stella Stevens and Gordon Currie. Corman’s Concorde presents. [Illus.]

TESIS (thesis) (1996 SPN) D/W: ALEJANDRO AMENABAR W: MATEO GIL P: José LUIS CUREDA Ana Torrent (who was the little girl who starred in SPIRIT OF THE BEEHIVE years ago) is a student in Madrid preparing a thesis on violence in the media. A professor doing research for her dies while watching an archived videotape, which she steals and discovers to be a snuff movie. Eduardo Noriega is the prime suspect for who’s behind the camera. Fele Martinez is Torrent’s classmate mondo and pornography fan who helps her investigate. Amenabar was also the associate producer and provided some of the music for his feature debut (after a couple of shorts). I usually like any hokum about the ultimate urban myth that is snuff, but the characters are so boring, the pace so slack and the whole conspiracy angle so outdated and unsurprising that this never piqued my interest. Amenabar fared better with OPEN YOUR EYES (also with Noriega, and remade as VANILLA SKY), and later crossed over to the Hollywood mainstream with THE OTHERS.

TETSUO: THE IRON MAN (1990 JPN) D/W/P: SHINYA TSUKAMOTO Tsukamoto’s debut feature (after some warm-up shorts) is a classic b/w nightmare movie. Tomoroh Taguchi is a Tokyo salaryman who starts to transform into metal (for no apparent reason). That’s the plot, but there is no way to describe this 66 mins descent into madness. There’s lots of blood, gore, amazing low-budget FX and an incredibly sustained atmosphere of severe discomfort (helped immeasurably by Tadashi Ishikawa’s soundtrack) and a great ending. Perfect. Tsukamoto (one of the most talented filmmakers working today) photographed, edited and also acts. With Kei Fujiwara (ORGAN) and Renji Ishibashi.

TETSUO 2: BODY HAMMER (1991 JPN) D/W/P: SHINYA TSUKAMOTO This colour extension (with b/w sequences) of the original masterpiece will always be judged badly alongside its predecessor. But it’s an excellent feature in its own right and has a lot to offer. Taguchi returns and there’s a particularly sick gag involving a child’s death. The highlights are the organic weapons experiment footage and the ultra-destructive finale! A third entry (Flying Tetsuo) has been knocked around by Tsukamoto (who acts again) and Quentin Tarantino, but Tsukamoto wants a $300m budget and to be able to completely destroy North America. He is indeed a man to cherish. Edit: TETSUO: THE BULLET MAN was finally made (in English) on a meagre budget (in 2009). Critically trashed, I thought Tsukamoto did an excellent job, utilising simple yet inventive techniques to expand the micro-story to apocalyptic scope.

TEXAS, ADIOS (goodbye texas; adios, texas; avenger; texas, addio) (1966 ITL SPN) D/W: FERDINANDO BALDI W: FRANCO ROSSETTI P: MANOLO BOLOGNINI Texas sheriff Franco Nero and his younger brother ride into Mexico to avenge the death of their father at the hands of José Suárez (now a powerful man south of the border). There are some twists and nice touches in this unremarkable but decent western. With Livio Lorenzon, Luigi Pistilli, Elisa Montes and Giovanni Ivan Scratuglia. Enzo Barboni was the cameraman.

THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE (1974 US) D/W/P: TOBE HOOPER W: KIM HENKEL P: LOU PERAINO This infamous terror classic needs no introduction. Marilyn Burns being chased around by Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen) with a big chainsaw is still scary and exhausting, while grampa trying to hold the hammer is still hilarious. Let’s not forget the meat hook scene, the great opening music and the endlessly copied and spoofed iconography. With the voice of John Larroquette.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003 US) D: MARCUS NISPEL W: SCOTT KOSAR P: MICHAEL BAY/ MIKE FLEISS Five more teens are on their way back from Mexico with a piñata full of weed and tickets for a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert when they pick up a female hitch-hiker who blows her brains out in their van. While looking for the sheriff in the rural backwoods, they, of course, become the victims of Leatherface and his family of cannibals. There’s no point comparing the innovative, trendsetting original classic with this slick retro piece (set in the 70s), but this is an ok remake if you don’t expect much (far more enjoyable than WRONG TURN, for example). Its main assets are R. Lee Ermey as the sadistic, psychotic sheriff and appealing, shapely lead Jessica Biel, a fine replacement for Marilyn Burns. (There’s no one in a wheelchair this time around.) With Erica Leerhsen, Jonathan Tucker, Mike Vogel, Eric Balfour, David Dorfman and narration from John Larroquette (just like in the original). Followed by THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE PART 2 (1986 US) D: TOBE HOOPER W: L.M. KIT CARSON P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS This awful sequel has cop Dennis Hopper (with minichainsaw holsters) and D.J. Caroline Williams (who screams almost as well as Marilyn Burns in the original) against Leatherface who is helped by a catering company (underneath an abandoned amusement park). Leatherface falls in love and there’s good Tom Savini gore FX, but TCM 2 just does not work at all (it was a rushed production and shows). With Bill Moseley as Chop Top, Kinky Friedman, and scenes with Joe Bob Briggs were cut out. Part of a three-picture deal with Cannon, the others being the INVADERS FROM MARS remake and LIFEFORCE. LEATHERFACE was part 3.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3 See: LEATHERFACE

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 4 See: RETURN OF THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: A FAMILY PORTRAIT (1988 US) D/W/P: BRAD SHELLADY This very low-tech 64 mins documentary has very straightforward interviews with several cast members from THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE (including Gunnar Hansen) and a small portion of previously unseen footage. The interviewees really get to the heart of the matter and this nicely done doc benefits from its minimalism, I think. Forry Ackerman is seen giving his two cents during the end credits.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING (2006 US) D: JONATHAN LIEBESMAN W: SHELDON TURNER/DAVID J. SCHOW P: MICHAEL BAY/MIKE FLEISS/ANDREW FORM/BRAD FULLER/ KIM HENKEL/TOBE HOOPER Prequel to the 2003 remake has some background for Leatherface (Andrew Bryniarski), and how R. Lee Ermey became sheriff, but is essentially the same story (stranded 70s teens are cut-up and eaten), but with more gore (I’m not sure how the theatrical cut differed from the unrated dvd I saw, but it’s a surprisingly violent and grisly major theatrical release). Jordana Brewster and Dora Baird are the damsels in distress, and John Larroquette narrates again. Not very good unfortunately.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION See: RETURN OF THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

THE TEXAS DILDO MASQUERADE (1997 US) D: JIM POWERS/J.W. GACY This porno spoof of TEXAS CHAIN SAW copies some scenes (like the intro) exactly, and even uses some of the same dialogue and camera angles. Some of the sex is ok, but the soundtrack is very annoying. In the tradition of EDWARD PENISHANDS. Tabitha Stevens stars in the Marilyn Burns role, with Ron Jeremy in a wheelchair, Sweetie Pie, Steve Hatcher, Red Fontana, Randi Storm, Mila, Kyle Stone, Jonathan Morgan, Powers, Dave Hardman and Candy Apples.

T-FORCE (1994 US) D/P: RICHARD PEPIN W: JACOBSEN HART P: JOSEPH MERHI After a small group of cybernaut law enforcers cause civilian deaths during the opening DIE HARD-like siege (with Vernon Wells as the villain), a scientist is ordered to shut them down. Instead they escape and go on a copkilling rampage. That is apart from good robot Cain (Bobby Johnston) who is teamed with a clichéd, reluctant, hard-drinking cop (Jack Scalia) to stop the killer cybernauts (who have a sex scene). One of 10 (!) PM releases from that year, it features the usual gunfire, explosions and car spinning in the air. Just about silly enough to amuse you if you really have nothing else to do. It ends with Scalia playing cards with an electronic brain in a glass case.

THAT CERTAIN TASTE (quel certo sapore) (1978 POR) D: “CLIFFORD BROWN” (JESÚS FRANCO) If you want to see Lina Romay (as “Candy Coster”) crawl around giving several blow jobs, then this Franco hardcore quickie is for you. She also masturbates with a dildo (“oh magica banana splendido”) and is involved in a lesbian three-way. Touxa Beni is a maid. As far as I know it’s only available in the Spanish-language. Filmed in a Lisbon hotel.

THAT’S THE WAY OF THE WORLD (shining star) (1975 US) D/P: SIG SHORE W: ROBERT LIPSYTE Harvey Keitel is the respected NYC music producer Buckmaster, busy in the studio with The Group (Maurice White and Earth, Wind and Fire, whose OST went to #1). But his boss (Ed Nelson) and the mobowned record company (Bryanston, for whom Shore produced this, were also a notorious front in reallife) force him to work with The Pagers, a clean-cut Christian “family” pop trio from Florida. Keitel (who drives around in a classic vintage car, skates at a roller rink, and has the immortal, wonderfully delivered line “you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit”) works hard at improving their sound, while the girl (who claims to be Janis Joplin “turned inside out”) gets possessive of Keitel, the brother (Jimmy Boyd) becomes a junky and “dad” (Bert Parks) is revealed to be a child molester! Quite an enjoyable little relic of its era, actually. With DJ Murray the K in a small part. Most famous for producing the classic SUPERFLY, this was Shore’s first feature as director.

THEATRE OF BLOOD (1973 UK) D: DOUGLAS HICKOX W: ANTHONY GREVILLE-BELL P: JOHN KOHN/ STANLEY MANN Vincent Price sends himself up a treat as a hammy Shakespearean actor who murders his critics in ways inspired by the bard. Diana Rigg is his daughter and assistant in this fun horror comedy (that’s played straight) that could be considered a third DR. PHIBES movie. With Diana Dors, Robert Morley, Arthur Lowe, Dennis Price, Robert Coote, Madeline Smith. Jack Hawkins, Harry Andrews, Michael Horden, Milo O’Shea, Eric Sykes, Joan Hickson, Charles Gray and real-life Mrs. Vincent Price, Coral Browne.

THEM! (1954 US) D: GORDON DOUGLAS W: TED SHERDEMANN/GEORGE WORTHING YATES P: DAVID WEISBART THE giant bug classic may be scientifically ridiculous, but who cares? Radiation causes gigantic ants in New Mexico, they’re attracted by sugar and in the amazing, unforgettable climax nest in the storm drains beneath LA. James Whitmore stars, with Joan Weldon, Edmund Gwenn, Olin Howlin, William Schallert, Onslow Stevens, Dub Taylor, Leonard Nimoy, James Arness, William Bouchey, Richard Deacon, Eddie Dew, Anne Doran, Lawrence Dobkin, John Maxwell, Charles Meredith, Forbes Murray, Jack Perrin, Grandon Rhodes, Joe Sawyer, Douglas Spencer, Dick Wessel, Harry Tyler and Harry Wilson.

THEODORE REX (t-rex) (1995 US) D/W: JONATHAN R. BEUTEL P: RICHARD GILBERT ABRAMSON/ SUE BADEN-POWELL In the future, reanimated dinosaur Teddy Rex becomes a detective and teams up with cop Whoopi Goldberg to solve a dino murder case and prevent a new Ice Age in this expensive but very poor kids’ movie. With Armin Mueller-Stahl, Juliet Landau, Bud Cort, Stephen McHattie, Joe Dallasendro, Richard Roundtree and the voice of Carol Kane. Beutel made MY SCIENCE PROJECT with Dennis Hopper.

THERE IS A SECRET IN MY SOUP (yan tau dau foo tong; ren tou dou fu shang) (2001 HK) D/W: YEUNG CHI GIN W: SIU YAT MING P: LAU JUN FAI This true-life crime story/horror is tacky in the extreme, but for those looking for gratuitous thrills it’s the place to be. A put-upon young woman accepts work with her best friend’s pimp husband as a prostitute. After getting pregnant (and becoming a junky) she tries to quit the life, but due to unpaid debts her “friends” suddenly turn nasty and beat the shit out of her. Naturally she miscarries, but that’s just the start of the fun. High as kites, this gang of lowlifes amuse themselves to no end torturing the girl. They drip melted plastic on her, make her eat shit and piss on her. Nothing you haven’t seen in SM tapes, you might think, but things get out of hand when they use a cheese grater on her! After she dies unexpectedly they hide her in a big pot of boiling water, resulting in title broth. Related in flashback, the first thing we see is a skull hidden in a Hello Kitty doll (this was the most famous icon of the case, but due to copyright laws the doll is digitally censored on video and vcd). Goofy sex scenes involving a hoover, a dildo drill and an air pump fill up time. Michael Wong is barely in it as the investigating officer. With Ng Doi Yung, Gabriel Harrison, Angela Tong and Hui Siu-Hung. Apparently this is more authentic than HUMAN PORK CHOP, another film from around the same time also based on the case.

THEREMIN: AN ELECTRONIC ODYSSEY (1993 US UK) D/W/P: STEVEN M. MARTIN I didn’t think that this unique instrument justified an entire featurelength documentary, but I was pleasantly proved wrong by this fascinating look at the invention and the inventor (Lev Sergeivich (Leo) Theremin). The unheralded Russian thought up lots of potentially revolutionary contraptions (not just musical) that were regarded with scorn. A former KGB agent (!), he was kidnapped from the US and imprisoned for seven years. He’s seen demonstrating the theremin in NYC 1928 (b/w footage), and interviewee Robert Moog (who could also do with a documentary) calls him “the pioneer of electronic music”. Film clips (that mostly make the theremin sound spooky) are from SPELLBOUND, THE LOST WEEKEND, THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL, IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE and Jerry Lewis messing about in THE DELICATE DELINQUENT. Lothar and The Hand People are only mentioned in passing and a very headfucked Brian Wilson discusses the amazing track, Good Vibrations. Todd Rundgren impersonating a theremin seems out of place. It ends with moving footage of Theremin wandering around modern-day NYC and being reunited with his protégé Clara Rockmore (who really does play a mean theremin).

THESE ARE THE DAMNED (the damned) (1961 UK) D: JOSEPH LOSEY W: EVAN JONES P: ANTHONY HINDS Macdonald Carey is a vacationing American on a yacht in Weymouth who gets in trouble with a street gang led by Oliver Reed (they have a great unidentified theme tune that goes “black leather, black leather, kill, kill, kill”) when he falls for Reed’s sister. Their rivalry results in a chase that leads them to find a secret compound and radioactive children who never go outside, and are taught by Alexander Knox via closed-circuit tv. This unusual and somewhat bleak b/w semi-sci-fi cult favourite is not the classic you may have been led to believe it is, but it is definitely worth a look. A Hammer release based on a story by H. L. Lawrence. With Viveca Lindfors, Walter Gotell and Barbara Everest.

THESE HANDS DESTROY See: THE PHANTOM KUNG FU

THESIS See: TESIS

THEY (invasion from inner earth; hell fire) (1972 US) D/P: “ITO” (BILL REBANE) W: BARBARA J. REBANE Three male research scientists and a brother and sister seem to be the only survivors in the snowy wildernesses of Manitoba, Wisconsin, as the rest of the world is killed by unseen alien forces (from underground?). There are brief scenes of mass panic and red smoke. A very slow-moving bore with a “huh?” ending. Electronic noodling is on the soundtrack. One of Rebane’s least interesting. It was in fact his first feature since the incomplete attempt that became MONSTER A-GO GO (but wasn’t released until 77). His next was RANA.

THEY (implant) (2002 US) D: ROBERT HARMON W: BRENDAN HOOD P: TOM ENGELMAN Typically dull modern horror young adult characters find that a childhood fear of the dark is returning as something is offing them one-by-one. Strange creatures and mysterious implants figure in this stylish and empty Wes Craven presentation. If they’re so afraid of the dark, how come these morons hang out in badly lit apartments and never turn the lights on? With Laura Regan, Marc Blucas, Ethan Embry, Jon Abrahams, Jay Brazeau, L. Harvey Gold, Coli Foo and Claire Riley.

THEY BITE (1993 US) D/W: BRETT PIPER P: WILLIAM J. LINKS His previous films may not have been released properly (or at all), but this was Piper’s sixth feature as director. Complications over similar names lead a female fish specialist (who everyone calls a “bitch”) and a crew of porno filmmakers (Ron Jeremy is on the crew) to team up and find killer fish-men who attack topless women (the wet t-shirt contest massacre is the highlight). They use a yellow minisubmarine, and the creatures turn out to be aliens (government agents in radiation suits are seen). Parts are funny, and the FX are impressive for such a lowbudget movie, but THEY BITE has been somewhat overrated by genre critics over the years.

THEY CALL HIM MR. SHATTER See: SHATTER

THEY CALL ME TRINITY (my name is trinity; lo chiamavano trinita) (1970 ITL) D/W: “E.B. CLUCHER” (ENZO BARBONI) P: ITALO ZINGARELLI Terence Hill is Trinity in this highly enjoyable and very popular spaghetti western (with a comedic angle). Bud Spencer is his brother, the stand-in sheriff in a small, crooked town. The laid-back anti-heroes end up defending some religious non-violent farmers from the villains. Hill and Spencer were once a very popular team in a whole series of films in Europe. With Farley Granger, Luciano Rossi, Ugo Sasso, Luigi Bonos and Fortunato Arena. TRINITY IS STILL MY NAME was the sequel.

THEY CALL US MISFITS (dom kollar oss mods) (1968 SWE) D/W: STEFAN JARL/JAN LINSDKVIST Kenta and Stoffe are a couple of streetwise young punks from broken homes and/or juvenile detention centre backgrounds who roam around Stockholm drinking, getting high, trying to score some cash, picking up girls and waxing lyrical, all captured in b/w for this pretty interesting documentary that has dated through no fault of its own. Notable at the time for featuring non-simulated sex on-screen. A DECENT LIFE (1979) and GENERATION TO GENERATION (1993) were generally more depressing dips back into the lives of these future alcoholic losers, à la the Up tv series.

THEY CAME FROM BEYOND SPACE (1967 UK) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W/P: MILTON SUBOTSKY P: MAX ROSENBERG Nine meteorites land in formation in the British countryside. The objects seem to control anyone who touches them and soon there’s a heavily guarded, top secret installation firing rockets, and a mysterious plague killing the locals. Robert Hutton is the heroic astrologist who has a metal plate in his head. There’s some nice ideas in this flat adaption of Joseph Millard’s novel The Gods Hate Kansas, but they never amount to much. It’s difficult to take it seriously when characters protect themselves from psychic interference by putting metal colanders on their heads. With Michael Gough as the master of the moon, John Harvey, Frank Forsyth and Jack Lambert. From Amicus.

THEY CAME FROM WITHIN See: SHIVERS

THEY CRAWL (crawlers; black beetle) (2001 US) D: JOHN ALLARDICE W: CURTIS JOSEPH/DAVID MASON P: PAUL HERTZBERG After his genius brother is killed in a mysterious explosion, Daniel Cosgrove investigates. It takes ages for him to figure out secret military plans that allow cockroaches to communicate and attack a target en masse (unconvincing VFX segments). One of the victims is exterminator Tim Thomerson (“this is an infestation”) and Mickey Rourke has one scene. With Grace Zabriskie, Ken Lerner and bus crash footage from RED HEAT. Not to be confused with THEY NEST, but they’re both crap.

THEY DON’T CUT THE GRASS ANYMORE (1985 US) D/W/P: NATHAN H. SCHIFF The last of three amateur gore films from Schiff (following WEASELS RIP MY FLESH and THE LONG ISLAND CANNIBAL MASSACRE) that received post-production work for release in 2003. It opens with shots of a broken and bloody Barbie doll as a Burroughs-like narrator surmises “Are we not also manufactured?” and introduces us to “an indictment on a world gone mad”. A dog listens to a radio report of mutilation murders on Long Island. The culprits are a couple of Texan gardeners. One has black eye makeup and the other seems to have a fake chin and wears shades. They complain about Yankee Northerners while killing in gruesome ways. The first is a machete slaying. After each kill the camera lingers on real fetishistic, gut-fondling and flesh peeling. It’s not exactly realistic, but has a grisly Andy Milligan vibe. In an early H.G. Lewis tribute a newspaper has the headline “Legs cut off!”, along with “Psycho gardeners mutilate two”. A guy has a sharp spike shoved up his ass, a head is smashed in with a ratchet, and a woman (who switches to an obvious blow-up doll) gets a stick of dynamite in her mouth (and her crotch is blasted open with a shotgun). At one point the two Southern psychos watch a “New York art film” in a theatre, in which a black guy with a knife says, “Don’t give me no sass, or I’ll kick your ass”. Joseph Marzano is a disgusted detective on the case. I thoroughly enjoyed this missed opportunity at a grindhouse favourite. Schiff’s subsequent feature VERMILLION EYES didn’t have to wait so long to get released. I’m also extremely curious about a Marzano-directed/Schiff-scripted short from 1986 called KUNG FU GHANDI!

THEY LIVE! (1988 US) D/W: “FRANK ARMITAGE” (JOHN CARPENTER) P: LARRY FRANCO Wrestler Roddy Piper (HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN) stars as a drifting labourer newly arrived in LA. He discovers a resistance network that utilise special sunglasses that show America as it really is. Aliens (all played by stunt veteran Jeff Imada, surprisingly) disguised as humans are asset-stripping the planet of humans while putting up billboards and tv transmissions with subliminal messages like “obey” and “stay asleep”. These b/w looks at reality are inspired, as is the first half of this INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS-like anti-Republican sci-fi action movie (somewhat comparable to SOCIETY in retrospect). Unfortunately midway through the film a (knowingly) ridiculously extended fist-fight signals an allout switch to endless aimless running around and shooting (and corny wisecracks) with none of the first half’s wit or originality. Not surprising really, as the original 1963 story on which it’s based (by Ray Faraday Nelson; it’s quite excellent) was only a few pages long. Feature-length required padding (to be exact, Carpenter’s primary source of inspiration was a comic book adaptation of the story). With Keith David, Meg Foster, Sy Richardson, George “Buck” Flower, Raymond St. Jacques, Peter Jason, Jason Robards III, Norman Alden and Franco. Carpenter directed MEMOIRS OF AN INVISIBLE MAN next, but wrote a couple of tv movie westerns — EL DIABLO (1990) and BLOOD RIVER (1991) — in the interim.

THEY MUST BE TOLD! See: SEX MADNESS

THEY NEST (creepy crawlers) (2000 US) D: ELLORY ELKAYEM W: JOHN CLAFLIN/DANIEL ZELMAN P: FRANK HILDEBRAND A small town in Maine (actually Vancouver) comes under siege from computer-animated killer cockroaches (that fly) in this pretty lousy by-the-numbers insect horror movie. Dean Stockwell is the sheriff. With John Savage and Tom McBeath. Elkayem next helmed the much higher-profile killer bug movie EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS.

THEY’RE COMING TO GET YOU (1967/71) See: DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN

THEY’RE COMING TO GET YOU (1972) See: ALL THE COLORS OF DARKNESS

THEY SAVED HITLER’S BRAIN (madmen of mandoras) (1963/68 US) D: DAVID BRADLEY W: STEVE BENNETT/RICHARD MILES P: CARL EDWARDS It’s easy to see how late-night tv viewers used to be surprised by this oddity about a Mexican neo-Nazi movement keeping Hitler’s head alive in a glass cage. Nowadays in the age of easy to obtain dvd reissues we can see it for what it is: a slightly warped but quite well made (Stanley Cortez was behind the b/w photography) cheapie that’s pretty boring for 90% of its running time (which is now a restored 92 mins). Originally filmed in 63, but not released until 68 after new footage (including a car crash “borrowed” from THUNDER ROAD) was added. With John Holland, Marshall Reed and Nestor Paiva. The guy who plays Hitler went on to write the screenplay for WATCHERS.

THICK AS THIEVES (1999 US) D/W: SCOTT SANDERS W: ARTHUR KRYSTAL P: JON STEINGART/GLENN ZOLLER/DONALD ZUCKERMAN Another in a long line of irritating post-Tarantino crime movies where characters spout pop culture references and “hip” flippancies while a badly underdeveloped excuse for a plot attempts not to be noticed beneath the trimmings. But you will notice and you will not be happy. Alec Baldwin stars as a lounge music record collector crook. With Michael Jai White, Rebecca De Mornay as a cop (not very convincing), Robert Miano, Janeane Garofalo, Andre Braugher, Bruce Greenwood, Richard Edson, Khandi Alexander, Julia Sweeney, Jack McGee and Al Sapienza.

THIEF (violent streets) (1981 US) D/W: MICHAEL MANN P: JERRY BRUCKHEIMER/RONNIE CAAN Mann’s theatrical debut (after the tv movie THE JERICHO MILE) is an engrossing thriller based on Frank Hohimer’s novel The Home Invaders. James Caan is excellent as an expert ex-con safe-cracker reluctantly working for friendly-seeming mob boss Robert Prosky in Chicago. The (accurate and detailed) heist scenes are hypnotic, aided by Donald Thorin’s cinematography and Tangerine Dream on the soundtrack. Willie Nelson is Caan’s mentor in prison and Tuesday Weld his wife. With James Belushi, Tom Signorelli, Dennis Farina, John Kapelos, Del Close and Michael Paul Chan. Mann made THE KEEP next.

A THIEF IN THE NIGHT (1972 US) D/W/P: DONALD W. THOMPSON W: JIM GRANT/RUSSELL S. DOUGHTEN JR. Beginning with a quote on The Rapture from Jesus Christ, this is 68 mins of Christian propaganda from Mark IV Productions, that played churches and youth groups for years. A young girl wakes up one morning to find that the chosen people have all disappeared, leaving behind only those like her (unbelievers) who are barcoded by minions of the Devil! Those without the mark can’t buy anything, anywhere. A long flashback shows how her more sensible friends accepted Jesus in time. Mindboggling scare tactics, but also immensely dull. Apparently Doughten Jr. (also seen as a reverend in one of the many preaching scenes) worked uncredited directing parts of THE BLOB! THIEF was followed by A DISTANT THUNDER (1978), IMAGE OF THE BEAST (1980) and THE PRODIGAL PLANET (1983). The End… is near!

THE THING (the thing from another world!) (1951 US) D: CHRISTIAN NYBY D/W/P: HOWARD HAWKS (uncredited) W: CHARLES LEDERER/BEN HECHT A flying saucer is discovered under the ice in the Arctic, so a research lab team who discover it take the frozen alien specimen (James Arness) indoors where it thaws, escapes and picks off the scientists one-by-one for blood nourishment. Kenneth Tobey is the hero in this superior sci-fi horror, one of the best b/w suspensers of its era. It requires some concession to time-passed for a modern audience, but remains a great piece of entertainment. Based on John W. Campbell’s story Who Goes There? With Margaret Sheridan, Douglas Spencer, Eduard Franz, Robert Bray, Edmund Breon, John Dierkes, Lee Tung Foo, Paul Frees, Everett Glass, Milton Kibbee and David McMahon. John Carpenter remade it (in a very different way) thirty years later. They would make a great contrasting double bill.

THE THING (1982 US) D: JOHN CARPENTER W: BILL LANCASTER P: LAWRENCE TURMAN Carpenter’s more visceral remake of the 1951 sci-fi/horror classic surprised everyone (or those paying attention at least, it was not a hit) by being excellent, maybe even his finest film. A shape-shifting alien parasite first gets inside the huskies at a remote research station in Antarctica. It soon proceeds to infect the humans, and Rob Bottin’s top-notch FX get one hell of a workout. Everyone remembers the scene in which a head grows spider legs and scuttles across the floor. Kurt Russell stars, with Wilford Brimley, Keith David, Donald Moffat, David Clennon, Richard A. Dysart, Richard Masur and Norbert Weiser. You can also hear the voices of Carpenter and Adrienne Barbeau, trivia fans. Remade yet again in 2011 (it was awful) and endlessly copied in the interim.

THINGS (1989 CAN) D/W/P: ANDREW JORDAN/ BARRY J. GILLIS After an A-bomb explosion opening, a naked chick wears a Guy Fawkes mask in a dream sequence. Two guys (one is Gillis with his ‘tache and mullet) go and visit another guy in his middle-of-nowhere shack (someone’s brother). They find an Aleister Crowley book and a tape recorder in the fridge (EVIL DEAD reference?). They talk shit, drink beer, put a roach in a sandwich and generally waste time. Then an insectile creature bursts out of the brother’s pregnant wife’s stomach (he doesn’t seem concerned for too long). It has something to do with some evil doctor’s experiments. Suddenly the brother is sucked “into the third, fourth and fifth dimension” (or “mouse hole”!?!), or did he spontaneously combust (there is some blood)? The electricity goes out, they run out of beer, and when they try to change the fuse in the basement (or use the bathroom), more of those insects turn up. And the aforementioned insane doctor. Some of the lowbudget gore is surprisingly well done. Everything else (including post-dubbed sound and synth score) is not. Porn star Amber Lynn pops up every now and again as a newscaster reading off cue cards (and makes a reference to George A. Romero). To say that nothing makes any sense is an understatement. To call the dialogue insipid, nonsensical and just plain weird would not do it justice. THINGS is an (unintentional) masterpiece of surrealism that must be seen to be believed (and then you still won’t get your head round it). Watch THINGS by yourself and you will think you are potty, shouting at your tv in confusion every few minutes. But as a party experience, this Super 8 shot-in-Ontario wonder has developed a hardcore cult following over the years. A 19-year anniversary dvd (?!) adds a raucous must-hear commentary track, and a reunion documentary (hosted by the world’s worst ventriloquist) that brings new meaning to the word “inane”. Gillis (actually credited as second unit — hah! — director, but seemingly very much the auteur of the piece) also made WICKED WORLD, and has more recently completed THE KILLING GAMES (2012). He has also recorded LPs (THINGS is dedicated to Black Sabbath). It’s a toss-up between him and Jon Mikl Thor for my favourite Canadian renaissance man.

THINGS FROM THE DEAD See: CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS

THINGS TO COME (1936 UK) D: WILLIAM CAMERON MENZIES W: H.G. WELLS P: ALEXANDER KORDA Classic b/w sci-fi spans a century, predicts World War II and shows how humans will never be content with anything. Raymond Massey stars as an airship pilot who leads a rebellion against a dictatorship in the postwar 70s, and his own ancestor in the year 2036. The futuristic sets (by Menzies of course) are really impressive. Artistic types (led by Sir Cedric Hardwicke) want to stop the endless scientific progress on the eve of the first manned space flight. With Ralph Richardson, Margarette Scott, Edward Chapman, Charles Carson, Patrick Barr, John Clements, Anthony Holles, Allan Jeayes, George Sanders, Abraham Sofaer and Terry-Thomas as an extra. Based on Wells’ novel The Shape Of Things To Come.

THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU’RE DEAD (1995 US) D: GARY FLEDER W: SCOTT ROSENBERG P: CARY WOODS Andy Garcia is Jimmy the Saint, an ex-gangster gone straight pressured into doing one last “action” for scary, crippled Christopher Walken. His crew consists of Bill Nunn, Treat Williams (“I am Godzilla. You are Japan”), William Forsythe and Christopher Lloyd. Of course things go wrong, but this is a decent crime caper that’s well worth the watch. Underworld terminology is colourfully explained by Jack Warden. With Gabrielle Anwar, Marshall Bell, Fariuza Balk, Bill Cobbs, Steve Buscemi as Mr. Shhh, Glenn Plummer, Don Stark, Willie Garson, Jenny McCarthy, Don Cheadle, Tiny Lister, Bill Bolender, Bill Erwin and Josh Charles.

THE THING THAT COULDN’T DIE (1958 US) D/P: WILL COWAN W: DAVID DUNCAN An ancient chest is discovered buried on a ranch in California. Inside is the still-living head of an evil Satanist who came ashore centuries ago with Sir Francis Drake’s crew. The head (a fake in long shot and some bloke hiding his body behind things like a tree in close-up) can possess people as it tries to find its body. In the finale the headless corpse walks, is reunited with the head and is much too easily killed. Odd b/w horror is not very good and slow-moving, but is memorable. With Charles Horvath, Peggy Converse and Thomas Browne Henry. It was the last picture from Cowan, the busy director/producer of many musical shorts. Screenwriter Duncan (who based this on his own story The Water Witch) later wrote THE TIME MACHINE! Remade over 40 years later as LA COSA QUE NO PODRIA MORIR.

THE THING WITH TWO HEADS (mr. othello man) (1972 US) D/W: LEE FROST W/P: WES BISHOP W: JAMES GORDON WHITE Ray Milland is a bigoted brain surgeon in a wheelchair who’s dying of cancer. He wants his head removed and grafted onto the body of a volunteer death row convict, planning to latch onto the spine and snip the extra head off later. He does not expect to wake up attached to a black man, Rosey Grier, who goes on the run to prove his innocence. The audience does not expect the bickering two-headed entity (often Grier with an obvious fake head on his shoulder in longshots) to burn rubber on a motorcycle during a car chase! This movie is absolutely nuts, and all the more unmissable because of it. Frost regular William Smith makes a cameo appearance, as does Al Zugsmith! With Chelsea Brown, Frost and Bishop (who also dealt with race relations in THE BLACK GESTAPO!) and Rick Baker in his two-headed gorilla suit, terrorising a grocery store. A double bill with THE INCREDIBLE 2-HEADED TRANSPLANT would be a great reason to stay in with your tv. Incidentally I did not make up that curious aka, I picked up a used video copy in Japan under that moniker. [Illus.]

THINK BIG (1990 US) D/W: JON TURTELTAUB W: EDWARD KONASH/DAVID TAUSIK/R.J. ROBERTSON/ JIM WYNORSKI P: BRAD KREVOY/STEVEN STABLER Steroid-gulping mutants David and Peter Paul (from THE BARBARIANS) got to star in another movie. They are Rafe and Victor, a truck-driving duo who are always late because they stop to do good deeds. Richard Moll is their angry boss who orders them to transport toxic waste. A young girl genius needs their help to stop her invention (a remote control that can be used on all electronic devices) from being used to make weapons. The supporting cast includes David Carradine as a repo man and Richard Kiel, who’s very funny as a villain. With Claudia Christian, Michael Winslow (who doesn’t do any funny noises), Thomas Gottschalk (who starred with Winslow in the THREE CRAZY JERKS movies), Tiny Lister, Tony Longo, Martin Mull, Sal Landi, Rafer Johnson and David Bowe. There’s an animated intro credit sequence, complete with the Barbarian Brothers’ own theme song. This dumb comedy is a guilty pleasure I really enjoyed watching.

THINNER (stephen king’s…) (1996 US) D/W: TOM HOLLAND W: MICHAEL McDOWELL P: MITCHELL GALIN/RICHARD P. RUBINSTEIN In time-honoured tradition, here’s another stupid and not very good King (as Richard Bachman) adaptation. Robert (John) Burke (under a lot of latex) is a 291 lb lawyer who has a gypsy curse put on him. He loses a lot of weight rapidly. He enlists the help of ex-client/ Italian mobster Joe Mantegna to reverse the process by threatening the gypsies. There’s also a lizard and mutation curse. King has a cameo as a chemist. With Kari Wührer, Lucinda Jenney and Michael Constantine.

THE THIRD CIRCLE See: CUBBYHOUSE

THE THIRD MAN (1949 UK) D/W/P: CAROL REED W: GRAHAM GREENE/ORSON WELLES W/P: ALEXANDER KORDA P: DAVID O. SELZNICK Joseph Cotten is an American pulp novelist who arrives in Vienna after WWII. Harry Lime (Orson Welles) is the mysterious man who invited him who turns out to have died in the meantime. This classic mystery co-stars Alida Valli and Trevor Howard with great b/w photography from Robert Krasker and a zither soundtrack by Anton Karas. Vincent Korda was set designer and Guy Hamilton was the assistant director. The influential storm drain chase scene is wonderful. With Paul Horbiger, Ernst Deutsch, Erich Posto, Bernard Lee, Wilfrid Hyde-White, Martin Bodeley, Robert Brown, Geoffrey Keen, Martin Miller, Eric Pohlmann, Annie Rosar and Karel Stepanek. THE THIRD WOMAN is a Croatian remake from 1997.

THE THIRD SHADOW (daisan no kagemusha) (1963 JPN) D: UMETSUGU INOUE W: SEIJI HOSHIKAWA P: TADAO MURAKAMI In 1564, during a battle for the district of Hida, poor farmer’s son Raizo Ichikawa is chosen to join the samurai class because of his likeness to the lord of the castle (again Ichikawa). He becomes the third (and most important) “kagemusha” (lookalike, see Kurosawa’s KAGEMUSHA). What at first seems like life on Easy Street soon becomes a Hell on Earth for a man with no identity of his own. For example, when the lord is wounded in battle by an arrow to the eye, it follows that his lookalikes should bear identical wounds. A great b/w chambara tragedy, based on Norio Nanjo’s novel. Ichikawa is good, but Hizuru Takachiho is icy and inhuman as Princess Teru, laughing at the absurd treachery around her. With Masayo Banri, Shigeru Amachi, Saburo Date, Tatsuya Ishiguro, Nobuo Kaneko, Katsuhiko Kobayashi, Ryuzo Shimada, Rieko Sumi and Shinobu Araki. The director also made (among many others) the 1962 version of BLACK LIZARD as well as EDOGAWA RAMPO NO OGON KAMEN YOSE NO BIJOU (1978), and spent a long stint in Hong Kong working for the Shaw Bros (1968’s elusive THE BRAIN STEALERS was one of his).

THIRD WORLD COP (1999 JAM) D/W: CHRISTOPHER BROWNE W: SUZANNE FENN/CHRIS SALEWICZ P: CAROLYN PFEIFFER BRADSHAW Cheap, shot-on-video thriller stars Paul Campbell as a loosecannon cop in Kingston who goes head-to-head with a childhood friend-turned-gangster. Glen Campbell appears as a security guard. It’s pretty awful. Browne is Perry Henzell’s nephew and worked on his uncle’s classic THE HARDER THEY COME.

THIRST (1979 AUSL) D: ROD HARDY W: JOHN PINKNEY P: ANTHONY I. GINNANE David Hemmings runs a cult of modern-day “vampires” who harvest humans so they can drink their blood (from milk cartons!) in this excellent, stylish horror that’s been unfairly neglected over the years. You may be surprised to find Henry Silva in the cast.

13 (1966) See: EYE OF THE DEVIL

13 (1997) See: STAG

THE THIRTEEN ASSASSINS (ju-san nin no shikaku) (1963 JPN) D: EIICHI KUDO W: KANEO IKEGAMI Surprisingly obscure outside its native country (despite a nice subtitled dvd being available), this remarkable period adventure about a group of loyal samurai who follow an escort convoy cross-country with the aim of assassinating a corrupt, irresponsible and sadistic district chief could rank alongside the likes of Akira Kurosawa’s THE HIDDEN FORTRESS (yes, it is that good). With Chiezo Katoka, Ko Nishimura, Ryohei Uchida, Isao Natsuyagi, Tetsuro Tamba, Junko Fuji, Choichiro Kawazaraki and Shingo Yamashiro. Jubei Suzuki provides the beautiful b/w cinematography. Highly recommended! 2010 saw a surprisingly excellent and disciplined remake from Takashi Miike.

13 GHOSTS (1960 US) D/P: WILLIAM CASTLE W: ROBB WHITE Broke university lecturer Donald Woods and his family inherit a big old mansion from his uncle who “collected” ghosts from around the world. He also gets a pair of special glasses that allow him to see the ghosts. In theatres, gimmick-meister Castle provided special glasses so that viewers could see the ghosts in colour (it’s a b/w film). With Martin Mulner, Rosemary De Camp, Margaret Hamilton, John Van Dreelen, Roy Jenson, a ghost lion and its headless tamer, and a fortune hidden somewhere in the house. There are some well orchestrated scenes but this merely ok spooker is not up there with Castle classics like THE TINGLER or THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL.

THIR13EN GHOSTS (2001 US) D: STEVE BECK W: NEAL MARSHALL STEVENS/RICHARD D’OVIDIO/ ROBB WHITE P: GILBERT ADLER/JOEL SILVER/ROBERT ZEMECKIS As if the atrocious HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL wasn’t bad enough, another loud and senseless KNB EFX-laden remake of a William Castle flick was made. Tony Shalhoub is a widowed single parent who’s left a see-thru glass mansion in his ghost-catching uncle F. Murray Abraham’s will. He takes his family (including daughter Shannon Elizabeth) there and they get locked in along with psychic Matthew Lillard and the nice-seeming Embeth Davidtz who explains that the house is actually a machine “designed by the Devil and powered by the dead”. They wear special glasses that let them see grotesque ghosts stalking the basement corridors. With J.R. Bourne, Matthew Harrison, C. Ernst Harth and John De Santis.

13 POLES FROM SHAOLIN See: WAR OF THE SHAOLIN TEMPLE

13 STEPS (13 kaidan) (2002 JPN) D: MASAHIKO NAGASAWA W: TADASHI MORISHITA P: MASARU KAKUTANI Retiring death row guard Tsutomu Yamazaki is hired by a mystery client to find evidence that will clear Kankuro Kudo (who wrote PING PONG and ZEBRAMAN) of the death penalty. He was found near a murder scene with no memory of his actions, other than that he had climbed stairs that no one can locate. Yamazaki hires paroled ex-con (for murder) Takashi Sorimachi to help him. High-profile mystery thriller is pretty good formulaic entertainment with an intriguing story and good performances. With Shofukutei Tsurube, Rena Tanaka, Tetsuya Bessho, Susumu Terajima, Hiroyuki Miyasako, Ren Osugi and Naomi Nishida.

THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR (1999 US GER) D/W: JOSEF RUSNAK W: RAVEL CENTENO-RODRIGUEZ P: ROLAND and UTE EMMERICH/MARCO WEBER Here’s another one of those “fake reality” fantasies that were so popular at the time. Armin Mueller-Stahl is a brilliant scientist who’s created an alternative reality that you can “jack-in” to and experience. When he’s murdered, best friend and accomplice Craig Bierko discovers how and why. Officially based on a book (Simulacron 3) by Daniel Galouye, it’s apparently an uncredited remake of Rainer Werner Fassbinder’s 1973 German tv movie WELT AM DRAHT. Probably more inspired by MATRIX and DARK CITY, though, and nowhere near as good as either. With Vincent D’Onofrio, Gretchen Mol, Dennis Haysbert, Allison Lohman, Ernie Lively and Will Wallace.

THE THIRTEENTH GUEST (lady beware) (1932 US) D: ALBERT RAY W: FRANCIS HYLAND/ARTHUR HOERL P: M.M. HOFFMAN A prestardom Ginger Rogers sneaks into an old cobweb-lined house, only to find a telephone in perfect working order. She becomes the first victim of a hooded killer who offs victims by flicking a switch that sends an electric current down the line to the receiver. The mysterious figure is lining the thirteen chairs around a dining table with corpses, because of something that happened at a will reading thirteen years earlier. Lyle Talbot helps police captain J. Farrell MacDonald investigate in this neat, highly enjoyable vintage b/w Monogram mystery. It’s based on a novel by Armitage Trail (like the original SCARFACE was, the same year). With James Eagles, Eddie Phillips, Erville Alderson, Crauford Kent, Ethel Wales, director Phillips Smalley, Paul Hurst, Lynton Brent, Al Bridge, Bobby Burns, Allan Cavan, William B. Davidson, Kit Guard, Henry Hall, John Ince, Isabel La Mal, Tom London, Tiny Sandford and Harry Tenbrook. Remade as MYSTERY OF THE 13TH GUEST in 1943. Ray directed Rogers and Talbot in the follow up A SHRIEK IN THE NIGHT.

THE 13TH WARRIOR (eaters of the dead) (1999 US) D/P: JOHN McTIERNAN W: WILLIAM WISHER/ WARREN LEWIS P: MICHAEL CRICHTON/KEN DOWD Antonio Banderas is an Arabic poet and nobleman who’s banished from Baghdad to become ambassador for the Norsemen (from the north). He becomes a reluctant warrior and battles a mysterious tribe (modelled after the Grendel from Beowulf) who kill and eat corpse remains. Based on Crichton’s novel Eaters of the Dead, this is a superior and exciting action adventure period fantasy that was unfairly shelved for a while and badly released (it could have been a hit). Crichton reportedly reshot some scenes himself. With Omar Sharif (briefly), Vladimir Kulich, Clive Russell, Erick Avari, Diane Venora, Sven-Ole Thorsen and Mark Acheson. Those beautiful locations are in Canadian British Columbia.

30 DAYS OF NIGHT (2007 US NZ) D: DAVID SLADE W: STEVE NILES/STUART BEATTIE/BRIAN NELSON P: SAM RAIMI/ROB TAPERT Barrow, Alaska, the northernmost town, mostly evacuates itself of people during a long winter during which there is a month without sunlight. A shipload of vampires takes advantage of the opportunity, and wilderness location to sail in and feed on the helpless people left behind. Sheriff Josh Hartnett and Melissa George head the small cast who fight back against being massacred in this adaptation of Niles and Ben Templesmith’s graphic novel. A good, hard-edged horror/action hybrid, from the director of HARD CANDY (2005). With Danny Huston, Ben Foster, Mark Boone Jr. and Mark Rendell. Shot in Auckland, NZ.

30 DAYS OF NIGHT 2: DARK DAYS (2010 US) D/W: BEN KETAI W: STEVE NILES P: ROB TAPERT This simple, stripped-down direct-to-tv sequel begins where the original left off, starring Kiele Sanchez as the character played by Melissa George (now widowed). After her attempts to alert people to the dangers are suppressed, she goes to LA and joins a small group of vampire hunters (led by the Tom Sizemore-like Rhys Coiro) who are after the Elizabeth Bathory-like Lilith (Mia Kirshner) and her minions, on the eve of another Alaskan blood binge. UV lamps are used as weapons. There’s some nice extreme gore moments, and I liked its nasty edge. Pretty good, actually. With Diora Baird and Harold Perrineau. It was shot in Vancouver. Ketai also directed a couple of web-hosted micro-movie miniseries’, 30 Days Of Night: Blood Trails and Dust To Dust.

39 (keiho dai san-ju kyu jo) (1999 JPN) D: YOSHIMITSU MORITA W: SUMIO OOMORI P: KAZUKO MISAWA/ TSUTOMU YAMAMOTO/KENJI TAKAWA Shinnichi Tsutsumi (POSTMAN BLUES) could be a dual-personality schizophrenic in this very wellacted, engrossing (if a little long-winded) courtroom drama that makes a case against the insanity plea. It got lots of awards in its home country. Kyoka Suzuki stars as the investigating psychologist and Ittoku Kishibe shines as a very smug, gum-chewing cop. With Hideko Yoshida, Mirai Yamamoto, Masanobu Umemeura, Kirin Kiki and Toru Emun.

THE 39 STEPS (1935 UK) D: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: CHARLES BENNETT P: MICHAEL BALCON (uncredited)/ IVOR MONTAGU (uncredited) Robert Donat handcuffed to Madeleine Carroll go on the run from murdering WWII spies on the Scottish Moors in this classic, influential (and pretty funny) Hitchcock hit based on John Buchan’s novel. With Wilfred Brambell, Helen Haye, Peggy Ashcroft, John Laurie, Gus McNaughton, Ivor Barnard, Miles Malleson, Frederick Piper, John Turnbull and the usual Hitch cameo. Officially remade in 1959 and 1978.

36 CHAMBERS OF SHAOLIN See: SHAOLIN DRUNKEN MONK

THE 36 CRAZY FISTS (jackie chan’s the 36 crazy fists; the master and the boxer; the blood pact; saam sap luk mai ying kuen; san shi liu mi xing quan) (1977 HK) D: CHAN JEUNG WA W: SZU TU AN P: CHIANG KIT Tony Leung must learn kung fu to protect himself and his sister from gangsters in this undistinguished but reasonable kung fu film (that’s heavy on goofy comedy). Jackie Chan provides the fight choreography and there’s a pre-DRUNKEN MASTER Sam the seed-type character. With Ku Feng, Fung Hak On and Paul Chun Pui. SHAOLIN WOODEN MEN and SNAKE AND CRANE ARTS OF SHAOLIN.

36 HOURS OF TERROR See: OLGA’S HOUSE OF SHAME

36 HOURS TO DIE (1999 CAN) D: YVES SIMONEAU W: ROBERT RODAT P: JACQUES METHE/STEPHANE REICHEL Dull thriller stars Treat Williams as a guy with heart problems who has to protect his family (including wife Kim Cattrall) when he discovers that villainous Saul Rubinek is embezzling money from his company. With Carroll O’Connor, Stewart Bick, Hrothgar Mathews, Aidan Devine, Roc La Fortune, Lorne Brass, Richard Jutras, Daniel Pilon, Michel Perron and Richard Zeman.

THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN (disciples of master killer; master killer; siu lam qui luk fong; shao lin sa liu fang) (1978 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG W: I. KUANG/ERIC TSANG P: RUN RUN SHAW/MONA FONG In this classic Shaw Bros production, a student fed-up with the Tartar occupation of Canton (Gordon Liu Chia Hui, the director’s brother) joins the Shaolin temple and steadily progresses through the 35 chambers of kung fu training. These training scenes make up most of the running time and are simply a joy to behold. Eventually Hui leaves the temple on a mission to recruit non-monk townsfolk to train in a newly formed 36th chamber. And he kicks villainous Lo Lieh’s ass, too! The choreography by Liu Chia Liang and Wilson Tong (who also plays a villain) is brilliant, and this should be near the top of your list if you want to know about great martial arts movies. With Wong Yu, Chiang Nan, John Cheung Ng Long, Lee Hoi Sang, Lau Kar Wing, Wai Wang, Wong Ching Ho, Hon Gwok Choi, Lam Wai, Chan Chuen (the director of KUNG FU VS. YOGA) and Fung Ging Man.

36 WOODEN MEN See: SHAOLIN WOODEN MEN

THIS DRACULA SUCKS See: LUST AT FIRST BITE

THIS IS AMERICA (jabberwalk; crazy ridicilous american people; shocking america) (1976 US) D/W/P: ROMANO VANDERBES This mondo movie look at modern American customs is mostly (obviously) staged footage with ironic narration from Norman Rose. Christian fundamentalists rally against Santa, an acting school for street beggars, hazing rituals, geriatric kung fu, high-class hookers etc. The most outrageous scenes that make it worth the watch include a KKK summer camp for kids, and a mortician (“sinister servant of death”) who prepares a female corpse and dresses it up in a bodice and stockings for paying necrophiliac customers (“connoisseurs of the macabre”). A professor enthuses about the benefits of eating insects and there’s an attempt to convince us that many black people eat mud! I don’t know why there’s a harmless look at a NASA space camp for kids. Porn star Seka is identified as a woman stripping for some survivalists. Sequels followed. Note the alternative title with the C.R.A.P. acronym.

THIS ISLAND EARTH (bloodlust in outer space) (1955 US) D: JOSEPH NEWMAN/JACK ARNOLD (uncredited) W: FRANKLIN COEN/EDWARD G. O’CALLAGHAN/RAYMOND F. JONES W: WILLIAM ALLAND Rex Reason is a scientist who’s semikidnapped by aliens from a dying planet that need his help in this Universal colour favourite among sci-fi fans that still has to be embraced by everyone as the classic it is. Jeff Morrow has his signature role as Exeter, the self-sacrificing large-foreheaded alien leader. Aboard a cool flying saucer, Reason and Faith Domergue are kept in suspended animation tubes and attacked by one of the movies’ best monsters, a mutant claw-armed alien with an exposed double brain (created by Bud Westmore). For this reason alone, it’s essential viewing. With Eddie Parker, Olan Soule, Robert William, Russell Johnson, Douglas Spencer, Richard Deacon, Coleman Francis and Edward Hearn.

THIS IS SPINAL TAP (1983 US) D/W: ROB REINER W: CHRISTOPHER GUEST/MICHAEL McKEAN/HARRY SHEARER P: KAREN MURPHY Reiner plays a documentary filmmaker who follows the (fake) heavy metal band Spinal Tap on an ill-advised poststardom American tour (to coincide with the release of their Smell The Glove LP). Similar to the more low-key parts in The Rutles’ ALL YOU NEED IS CASH, it’s an ever so slight but excellent parody, capturing these (believable) past-their-prime rock idols (McKean, Guest and Shearer) at their worst. With Paul Shaffer, Patrick Macnee, Billy Crystal, Bruno Kirby, Fred Willard, Ed Begley Jr., Howard Hesseman, Anjelica Huston, Dana Carvey and Brinke Stevens. Real fans will probably want the five-hour (!) bootleg version. RETURN OF SPINAL TAP followed. The same team returned to attack the folk revival scene in the hilarious A MIGHTY WIND in 2003.

THIS IS THE SHOCKS See: THE SHOCKS

THIS NIGHT I WILL POSSESS YOUR CORPSE (esta noite encarnarei no teu cadaver) (1966 BRZ) D/W/P: JOSÉ MOJICA MARINS Marins returns as Zé do Caixão (Coffin Joe) in this amazing follow up to AT MIDNIGHT I’LL TAKE YOUR SOUL AWAY. Joe continues in his quest to find a woman worthy enough to give him a son. From the opening credit montage to the end, this wild, unrelenting feature will take today’s viewers by surprise, and I can only imagine what Brazilians thought when it first opened. Highlights include a long “audition” for women involving lots of tarantulas and snakes, and the memorable Hell sequence (the only colour segment in an otherwise b/w film), where humans are tortured by devils in an icy landscape with frozen walls of the damned encased in ice. An unmissable horror landmark for sure. Marins next directed a segment for the horror anthology TRILOGIA DEL TERROR (1968), before delivering an amazing anthology all his own called THE STRANGE WORLD OF COFFIN JOE.

THIS STUFF’LL KILL YA! (the devil wears clodhoppers) (1970 US) D/W/P: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS Jeffrey Allen (TWO THOUSAND MANIACS!) is a southern conman preacher who’s seen inciting his congregation to gang-rape a new bride in the first scene. To be honest, this moonshine-runnin’ hillbilly comedy (with occasional gory violence) is pretty boring to all but the most dedicated H.G. Lewis fan. It’s a shame that the sound is so bad that you can’t hear it properly. Some viewers will be surprised to see Larry Drake in an early role. With Tim Holt (his final role) and Ray Sager (also an assistant director). “A. Louise Downe” was the associate producer. Lewis’ next hillbilly movie would be the formerly “lost” YEAR OF THE YAHOO! (now out on dvd from Something Weird).

THOMAS AND THE MAGIC RAILROAD (2000 UK US) D/W/P: BRITT ALLCROFT P: PHILIP D. FEHRLE Peter Fonda and Alec Baldwin must have been deafened by the sound of their careers scraping rockbottom in this God-awful children’s movie based on the popular Thomas the Tank Engine books of Rev. W. Audry. It’s a mixture of live action and model animation as Baldwin (as a miniature signal master) searches for his “sparkle” and a grim-looking Fonda pines over an old train in a secret cave. Why those talking train faces don’t give kids nightmares is beyond me. With Didi Conn, Cody McMains, Russell Means, Neil Crone and the voices of Allcroft and Colm Feore.

THOR (mighty thor) (2011 US) D: KENNETH BRANAGH W: ASHLEY MILLER/JACK STENTZ/DON PAYNE/J. MICHAEL STRACZYNSKI/MARK PROTOSEVICH P: KEVIN FEIGE Chris Hemsworth is a pretty good Thor and this is quite a fun, tongue-in-cheek adaptation of Marvel’s comic book reinterpretation of Norse mythology (by Stan Lee, Larry Lieber and Jack Kirby). Anthony Hopkins is King Odin, who banishes Thor to Earth sans hammer and strength, punishment for putting the kingdom of Asgard at war with the Frost Giants (led by an unrecognisable Colm Feore). Astrophysicist and love interest Natalie Portman helps and falls for the weird lug in New Mexico. Tom Hiddleston is villainous brother Loki. With Stellan Skarsgard, Clark Gregg, Idris Elba, Kat Dennings, Tadanobu Asano, Rene Russo, Ray Stevenson, Jaimie Alexander (REST STOP), Adriana Barraza, Matt Battaglia, Jeremy Renner, the usual cameo from executive producer Stan Lee and a cool giant robot with a heat ray blowing things up (the VFX highlight for me, but it all looks great). After the end credits there’s a brief Joss Whedon-directed coda that is a taster for THE AVENGERS (2012) (featuring Samuel L. Jackson). Originally 3D in theatres. There was also a short-lived Mighty Thor animated series in the mid-60s.

THOU SHALT NOT BE JEALOUS (yotsuya kaidan) (1959 JPN) D: KENJI MISUMI W: FUJI YAHIRO P: SHIBOBU MIURA Around the same time as Nobuo Nakagawa’s classic game-changing TOKAIDO YOTSUYA KAIDAN (for Shin-Toho) the same year, Daiei released this far more pedestrian vehicle for the prolific matinee idol Kazuo Hasegawa (most famous internationally for AN ACTOR’S REVENGE). Understandably overshadowed over the years, may I just point out that it’s not that bad, has one or two nice set pieces, and is in fact in (very pretty) colour (only b/w prints have been circulating for years). Completists won’t find it a waste of time (on the other end of the spectrum, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, not a good place to start). Hasegawa plays the role a tad more sympathetically than in other versions, his fans maybe not accepting him as a total heel (note that no children die here either). With Yasuko Nakata as Oiwa (whose transformation makeup is less grotesque than the 1956 version, for example), Yoko Uraji, Mieko Kondo, Naritoshi Hayashi, Hideo Takamatsu, Chieko Murata, Shosaku Sugiyama, Fujio Soga, Shinobu Araki, Ryonosuke Azuma, Saburo Date, Ryosaburo Mitsuoka, Okuyama Asao, Sachio Horikita, Kazue Amaoki, Kiyoshi Kasuga and Aika Mimasu. Misumi is, of course, best known for his LONE WOLF AND CUB movies.

THOU SHALT NOT KILL…EXCEPT (stryker’s war) (1985 US) D/W: JOSH BECKER W/P: SCOTT SPIEGEL Sam Raimi stars as a cult leader who kidnaps and kills some people in the woods. A ’nam vet whose girlfriend is taken rounds up some other vet friends and kick Manson-esque ass. This low-budget action pic has lots of (sometimes inventive) gory deaths and a good sense of dark humour. The year is 1969, so we a hear radio report about the death of Boris Karloff. Apparently Bruce Campbell (who appears as a newscaster) had something to do with the screenplay, and Ted Raimi (later the star of Becker’s LUNATICS) appears as the gang member wielding chains. With Spiegel and Gary Jones.

THREADS (1984 UK AUSL US) D/P: MICK JACKSON W: BARRY HINES This pretty grim BBCTV production went even further than Peter Watkins’ seminal THE WAR GAME (1965) by painting a portrait of Sheffield before and after a nuclear attack (the result of America meddling in the affairs of the Middle East). From half-baked defence preparations, through the shocking holocaust, and climaxing with a still-birth in a no-hope post-nuke winter wasteland, this still packs a powerful punch. With Reece Dinsdale (later in 1995’s hooligan movie I.D.) and Lesley Judd as a Newscaster. Hines wrote the novel that Ken Loach’s classic KES (1969) was based on (so he’s a master of the grim, eh?). Jackson later hit it big in Hollywood with the likes of hit Whitney Houston/Kevin Costner vehicle THE BODYGUARD (1994) and the much more lightweight disaster flick VOLCANO.

THREAT (veiled threat) (1989 US IRAN) D/W: CYRUS NOWRASTEH P: BEHROOZ AFRAKHAN/BOB GRAHAM An alcoholic ex-CIA private detective in LA (a bearded Paul Le Mat) is hired by an Iranian journalist to find out why his family is being prevented from immigrating to the US. A corrupt, homosexual Mula who resents the journalist’s exposés fights back with a car bomb and kidnapping after Le Mat blackmails him on the family’s behalf. Potentially interesting political thriller can’t seem to decide whether to be intelligent, low-key and different, or a clichéd bonehead action movie. It satisfies neither audience. With Al Sapienza.

THREE AVENGERS See: DRAGON ON FIRE

THREE BAD MEN IN A HIDDEN FORTRESS See: THE THREE VILLAINS OF THE HIDDEN FORTRESS

3 BLIND MICE (murder net; une souris verte) (2003 FRA) D/P: MATHIAS LEDOUX W: MIKAEL OLIVER P: JEAN-LUC DE FANTI/GUILLAUME GODARD/ MARYVONNE LE MEUR American computer programmer in London Edward Furlong witnesses a female webmaster murdered online. The police think he had something to do with it, but Parisian cop Emilia Fox helps him uncover an internet snuff conspiracy (a trend in recent horror movies). This ridiculous mess of a film was filmed in London and Paris and is not worth your precious time. With Chiwetel Ejiofor, Ben Miles, Elsa Zylberstein, James Laurenson and Craig Kelly.

THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR (1975 US) D: SYDNEY POLLACK W: LORENZO SEMPLE JR./DAVID RAYFIEL P: STANLEY SCHNEIDER Robert Redford is a CIA office worker who gets sucked into a major conspiracy after he arrives back in his office to discover his co-workers have been massacred. Slick and involving conspiracy thriller based on James Grady’s novel is good of its type, but forgettable and somewhat dated. With Faye Dunaway, Max von Sydow, Cliff Robertson and Russell Johnson. Pollack made THE YAKUZA the same year.

THREE DONKEYS See: CRAZY GUY WITH SUPER KUNG FU

THREE… EXTREMES (three monster) (2004 HK JPN S.KOR) This follow up multi-director horror anthology to the multi-director horror anthology THREE consists of three segments. However, the Hong Kong segment was also released as a longer, stand-alone feature. You will find the review for that under the title DUMPLINGS elsewhere in this book. Below are reviews for the other two entries. BOX (JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: HARUKO FUKUSHIMA Hermit novelist Kyoko Hasegawa is haunted by events in her past involving a twin sister and their carnival performer father (Atsuro Watanabe in a dual role). An uneven 40 mins with a Shuji Terayam vibe, but some unnerving use of sound and images stick in my mind even if the overall result is lacking. CUT (S.KOR) D/W: CHAN WOOK PARK Successful movie director Byung-Hun Lee arrives home to find his wife (Hye-Jeong Kang) tied up at the piano by a psychotic film extra (Won Hie-Lin from THIS IS LAW) who hacks her fingers off one-by-one to make some kind of confused class war statement. A kidnapped little girl is also in danger in this extremely stylish and breakneckpaced piece with an ambiguous ending that may spoil it for some viewers. A great little showcase (in fact, maybe a little too show-off) for the celebrated up’n’coming director of OLDBOY. With Jung Ah-Yim.

THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE ORIENT See: SUPERMEN AGAINST THE ORIENT

THREE-HEAD MONSTER (ginseng king) (1987 THAI) D: RU-TAR ROTAR A walking (and flying) human-shaped man-sized ginseng root is kidnapped by an evil group and taken to the lair of the title creature. The ginseng king’s roots are good medicine and can make the living invincible and reanimate the dead. This accounts for the Nazi vampire zombie running around spouting “Heil Hitlers”. A kid needs ginseng’s help to save his dead mother, so enlists the help of a fortune-teller and some friendly giants to locate it. The ginseng gets his head chopped off at the end. With an ice sword, magic, a witch played by a man, terrible FX and bad kung fu with extremely loud sound effects. I’m not making this up. The print I saw was dubbed in Japanese. Whether it did the rounds outside Asia is unclear.

THREE KINDS OF HEAT (fireworks) (1987 US) D/W: LESLIE STEVENS P: MICHAEL J. KAGAN Robert Ginty is a (very smug-looking) Interpol agent who enlists the help of a female JFK Airport security officer and a female Mongolian Hong Kong cop (who does bad martial arts) to bust the international Black Lion crime syndicate. Sylvester McCoy (who was DR. WHO at the time) is the main villain. Barry Foster (from Hitchcocks’s FRENZY) is a spy, with Samantha Fox. This Cannon release directed by the producer of the original OUTER LIMITS series is awful, boring and mostly takes place in London.

THREE KINGS (1999 US) D/W: DAVID O. RUSSELL W: JOHN RIDLEY P: PAUL JUNGER WITT/EDWARD McDONNELL/CHARLES ROVEN A bunch of mismatched US soldiers try to steal a load of Kuwaiti gold at the end of the Gulf War after they find a map in a guy’s ass (ha ha). This universally praised action comedy satire/drama has all the subtlety of Oliver Stone remaking KELLY’S HEROES and just gave me a headache. It succeeds neither as a message movie nor as plain entertainment. With George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg, Ice Cube, Spike Jonze, Jamie Kennedy, Cliff Curtis, Nora Dunn, Said Taghamoui, Mykelti Williamson, Holt McCallany, Judy Greer, Liz Staube and Brian Bosworth.

THREE MONSTER See: THREE…EXTREMES

303: FEAR, FAITH, REVENGE (1998 THAI) D: SOMCHING SRISUPAP W: CHER HORI P: VISUTE POOLVORALAKS Teens at a boys’ boarding school unleash the spirit of a famous alumni prince who allegedly committed suicide. Thy discover a hidden history of murder and possession in this un-engaging and trite horror flick. With Jesdaporn Pholdee.

THREE RASCALS IN THE HIDDEN FORTRESS See: THE THREE VILLAINS OF THE HIDDEN FORTRESS

THREE RIVERS See: STRIKING DISTANCE

THE THREE STOOGES GO AROUND THE WORLD IN A DAZE (1963 US) D/P: NORMAN MAURER W: ELWOOD ULLMAN When Phileas Fogg III makes a bet that he can travel around the world in 80 days while spending no money to defend his ancestor’s honour, his three servants (Moe Howard, Larry Fine and Curly Joe DeRita) insist on coming along. You either like the Stooges or you don’t, and this is unlikely to change your mind. I liked it. In b/w. Maurer later directed the Stooges in THE OUTLAWS IS COMING And KOOK’S TOUR, and Ullman wrote many Stooges flicks and DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE BIKINI MACHINE.

THE THREE STOOGES IN ORBIT (1962 US) D: EDWARD BERNDS W/P: NORMAN MAURER W: ELWOOD ULLMAN Some pretty cool-looking, large-headed Martians hide out in professor Emil Sitka’s castle home so they can steal the plans for his “ultimate military vehicle” (a submarine/tank that can fly and even shoot into space). Moe (Howard), Larry (Fine) and Curly Joe (DeRita), of course, ruin Sitka’s demonstration for the armed forces, so the aliens decide to destroy Earth. But the Stooges save the day and their own tv show (which is in danger of being axed) thanks to Sitka’s revolutionary “electronic animation machine”. Enjoyable b/w Stooges movie has a Keystone Cops clip, people doing the twist (great ending!) and a look at the Stooges cartoon. With Norman Leavitt, Peter Brocco and Roy Engel.

THE THREE STOOGES MEET HERCULES (1962 US) D: EDWARD BERNDS W: ELWOOD ULLMAN W/P: NORMAN MAURER Moe (Howard), Larry (Fine), and Curly Joe (De Rita) end up travelling back through time (and space) to ancient Greece. There’s a Siamese cyclops (a twin monster suit) and Samson Burke (REVENGE OF URSUS) is Hercules. This won’t convert non-Stooge fans, but Stooge lovers should enjoy. With Emil Sitka, Hal Smith, Eddie Foster and Gene Roth.

THREE SUPERMEN VS. THE ORIENT See: SUPERMEN AGAINST THE ORIENT

THREE THE HARD WAY (1974 US) D: GORDON PARKS JR. W: ERIC BERCOVICI/JERROLD L. LUDWIG P: HARRY BERNSEN Jim Brown, Fred Williamson and Jim Kelly must stop a bigoted record producer who’s going to release a virus that kills only black people. A trio of topless dominatrixes are used to get information out of whitey cronies. Despite some outrageous elements, this black action hit from the director of SUPERFLY is pretty formulaic. With Alex Rocco (DETROIT 9000), Corbin Bernsen and Jeannie Bell (star of T.N.T. JACKSON). Hal Needham was stunt co-ordinator. The Brown, Williamson and Kelly trio returned in TAKE A HARD RIDE and ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO.

THE THREE VILLAINS OF THE HIDDEN FORTRESS (the hidden fortress; three bad men in a hidden fortress; three rascals in the hidden fortress; kakushi toride no san akunin) (1958 JPN) D/W/P: AKIRA KUROSAWA W: SHINOBU HASHIMOTO/ RYUZO KIKUSHIMA P: SANEZUMI FUJIMOTO It’s loyal Toshiro Mifune’s job to escort his wanted clan’s stubborn princess (Misa Vehara) through enemy territory to rebuild their empire with the help of much sought-after hidden gold that he must carry. He enlists the help of two greedy, comic relief peasants (Minoru Chiaki and Kamatari Fujiwara) to carry the treasure (hidden in stacks of wood). A true classic of cinema, the story is engrossing, the characters are great, the b/w photography is top-notch, and Kurosawa’s at the top of his form. One that deserves its reputation. With Takashi Shimura, Susumu Fujita, Eiko Miyoshi, Kichijiro Ueda, Ikio Sawamura and Tadao Nakamura. George Lucas based STAR WARS on it.

THE 3 WORLDS OF GULLIVER (the worlds of gulliver) (1960 UK US) D/W: JACK SHER W: ARTHUR ROSS P: CHARLES H. SCHNEER The English Dr. Gulliver (Kerwin Matthews) is swept out to sea and wakes up on the island of Lilliput where he’s a giant. He tries to help the inhabitants find peace but their stupid warmongering emperor insists that everyone should open their eggs at the narrow end. He’s later reunited with his fiancée on another island where they are midgets, but the people are just as stubborn and ignorant there, too. This musical fantasy is a little too broad to work as a good adaption of Jonathan Swift’s satirical Gulliver’s Travels, but Ray Harryhausen’s FX come into their own when Matthews (from THE 7TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD) fights a giant crocodile and squirrel. With Grégoire Aslan, Charles Lloyd-Pack and Martin Benson. It was filmed in Spain.

THRILL (1996 US) D: BILL PILLSBURY W: BETTY GOLDBERG/JOEL STEIGER P: HANS PROPPE Antonio Sabato Jr. stars in this tv movie update of the great ROLLERCOASTER (1977), as someone terrorises the funfair by sabotaging the rides, including the rollercoaster Thrill. It’s not very exciting. With Christine Harnos and Bill Cobbs. Based on Robert Byrne’s novel.

THRILLED TO DEATH See: BUTCHER, BAKER, NIGHTMARE MAKER

THRILLER See: FEVER LAKE

THRILLING IN VENICE See: GIALLO A VENEZIA

THRILL OF THE VAMPIRES See: THE SHIVER OF THE VAMPIRES

THRONE OF BLOOD (kumonsou jo) (1957 JPN) D/W/P: AKIRA KUROSAWA W: SHINOBU HASHIMOTO/ RYUZO KIKUSHIMA HIDEO OGUNI P: SOJIRO MOTOKI Superb, moody Noh-inspired b/w samurai period retelling of Shakespeare’s Macbeth is one of Kurosawa’s finest. Toshiro Mifune stars as the soldier-turned-lord fearful for his downfall an old witch in the woods predicted. With Isuzu Yamada, Minoru Chiaki, Takashi Shimura, Akira Kubo, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Isao Kimura, Yoshio Inaba and shot-by-shot farmable photography from Asakazu Nakai. Kurosawa later returned to Shakespeare (King Lear to be exact) with the amazing RAN.

THROUGH HELL TO GLORY See: JET ATTACK

THUNDER See: THUNDER WARRIOR (series)

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING (1977 US) D: COREY ALLEN W: WILLIAM HJORTSBERG P: ROGER CORMAN David Carradine runs moonshine across state lines in this typical Southern chasin’ and fightin’ drive-in movie, complete with an alligator-wrestling priest. Kinda fun of its type. With Kate Jackson, Charles Napier, Sterling Holloway, George Murdock and cult author Charles Willeford as a bartender. Lewis Teague was the second unit director. Hjortsberg later wrote the novel that ANGEL HEART was based on.

THUNDERBALL (1965 UK) D: TERENCE YOUNG W: RICHARD MAIBAUM/JOHN HOPKINS/JACK WHITTINGHAM/ IAN FLEMING W/P: KEVIN McCLORY/ ALBERT R. BROCCOLI (uncredited)/HARRY SALTZMAN (uncredited) SPECTRE steals two atomic bombs and ransoms the world in the fourth Sean Connery Bond movie. It’s long (about 130 mins) and slow-moving (lots of underwater scenes). Adolfo Celi is the villain with the eyepatch and it’s the first time we get to see one of those cool, vast booby trapped SPECTRE boardrooms. With Claudine Auger, Luciana Paluzzi, Martine Beswick, Bernard Lee, Desmond Llewelyn, Lois Mawell, Roland Culver, Michael Brennan, Reginald Beckwith, Anthony Dawson, Patrick Holt, Suzy Kendall and Eric Pohlmann. You’ll remember this as the one Bond uses a jet pack during the precredit sequence in. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE was next. NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN was a remake.

THUNDERBIRDS (2004 US UK) D: JONATHAN FRAKES W: WILLIAM OSBORNE/MICHAEL McCULLERS/ PETER HEWITT P: TIM BEVAN/ERIC FELLNER/ MARK HUFFAM Very expensive live-action update for young children will probably bore even its target audience. Bill Paxton is Jeff Tracy, father of the International Rescue team. Ben Kingsley is the villainous, telepathic The Hood. Sophia Myles is Lady Penelope, Ron Cook is Parker and Anthony Edwards is Brains. But the real stars are a trio of teens (Brady Corbet, Vanessa Anne Hudgens and Soren Fulton) who save the day when the adults are marooned in space. With Philip Winchester, Bhasker Patel, Lex Shiaprel and an animated opening credit sequence. Even the Frakeshelmed CLOCKSTOPPERS was more entertaining than this. Filmed in England and the Seychelles.

THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO! (1966 UK) D: DAVID LANE W: GERRY ANDERSON W/P: SYLVIA ANDERSON Big-screen spin-off of the Supermarionation puppet adventure show is pretty entertaining. International Rescue help out with security during the first manned flight to Mars. Cool rock snakes live there. But the best part is a dream sequence in a space nightclub where Cliff Richard Jr. (as he is billed here) and The Shadows play (“they’re way out”). Voices are provided by Sylvia Anderson, Peter Dyneley (star of THE MANSTER!), Ray Barrett, Bob Monkhouse, Paul Maxwell, Shane Rimmer and Charles “Bud” Tingwell. THUNDERBIRD 6 followed. Other “features” edited together from tv episodes are COUNTDOWN TO DISASTER, THUNDERBIRDS IN OUTER SPACE and THUNDERBIRDS TO THE RESCUE.

THUNDERBIRD 6 (1968 UK) D: DAVID LANE W/P: GERRY ANDERSON/SYLVIA ANDERSON Brains is asked to design a new craft, Thunderbird 6, in this weak follow up to THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO! Fans of the Andersons’ work will doubtless enjoy, but others won’t find it as charming as the original.

THUNDERBOLT (dead heat; pik lik feng; pi li huo) (1995 HK) D/W: GORDON CHAN W: CHAN HING KAR P: CHUA LAM Jackie Chan is a mechanic who trains with the Mitsubishi racing team in Japan and catches illegal drag racers for the police in Hong Kong. One of the guys he catches turns out to be an international arch criminal (with ponytail) who admires Chan’s racing so much that he terrorises his family just to get a race with him in a Japanese stock car tournament. Made during Chan’s crossover to the international film market (RUMBLE IN THE BRONX is from the same year), this is far from his best but does feature some nice car stunt work (supervised by the multitalented Frankie Chan no less) and a standout fight scene in a Pachinko parlour. Sammo Hung was the stunt director. With Anita Yuen, Michael Wong, Ken Lo, Dayo Wong, Chor Yuen, Corey Yuen Kwai, Chin Kar Lok, Bruce Law and Shing Fui On.

THE THUNDERBOLT FIST (pi li quan; pik lik kuen) (1972 HK) D: CHANG I. HU W: LI CHO CHIEN P: RUNME SHAW Residents of a Chinese village are oppressed by a band of mean Japanese ronin led by James Nam Gung-Fan. Kung fu schoolteacher Fang Mian beats him in an official fight in the ring, but is later massacred by sword-wielding minions. His son grows up to be vengeance-seeking Chuen Yuen. He trains in the mountains with the extremely cute Shih Szu. After some time-wasting subplots involving fighter Tung Lam, his wife Wong Gam-Fung, harmful gossip and a hidden kung fu manual, things get right on track when Nam has Chuen’s right arm maimed by hot coals and the ligaments in his shoulder sliced. Chuen trains his left arm by smashing small wooden arm replicas, and his feet get so strong he can kick down a tree. Although it takes a while to get cooking, the bloody finale with some outrageous moves from Chuen will make you glad you sat through this Shaw Bros production from that interesting era between late-60s swordplay and the more balletic and accomplished screen martial arts of the mid- 70s onwards. The choreography is credited to Liang Shao Sung. With Gam Kei-Chu, Lee Ka-Ting, Wong Ching-Ho, little Stephen Tung Wai, Shum Lo, Kong Lung, Tsang Choh-Lam, Yi Fung, Cheung Hei, Ling Hon, Gam Gwan, Ringo Wong and Lam Ching Ying. Hu directed one-armed kung fu veteran Wang Yu in THE IRON MAN (1974) next.

THUNDERCRACK! (1975 US) D/W: CURT McDOWELL W: GEORGE KUCHAR/MARK ELLINGER P: JOHN THOMAS/CHARLES THOMAS Marion Eaton gives a wonderful performance as a sad, lonely and very drunk widower who gives various characters shelter at her remote old dark house during a big storm. They masturbate and have gay and straight sex (hardcore) while not busy arguing and giving long, wonderfully written monologues. Underground filmmaking legend George Kuchar (whose early films with his brother Mark influenced John Waters) is a truck driver in love with a gorilla. There’s nothing else quite like this long (150 mins) b/w talky sex melodrama. It’s considered one of the most walked-out-of midnight movies, but if you’re attuned to its sublime sense of humour than you’ll have a ball. I definitively plan to watch it again. McDowell (a former film student of Kuchar’s who died young from AIDS) enjoyed putting his cute sister Melinda in porno, and she’s here. Also with Ken Scudder and Ellinger. Confusing legal hassles surrounding the sole original uncut 16mm print means you’ll have to view this on grainy bootleg tapes. Here’s hoping for a restored dvd in the near future. Did I mention the gorgeous photography?

THUNDERFIST (death blow; ze wang; chaak wong) (1973 HK) D: TEDDY YIP W/P: JIMMY L. PASCUAL After a French banker’s valuable and historically important jade pagoda is stolen by a burglar, stupid police chief Ngai Ping Ngo is under pressure to solve the case. Even more so when the banker’s beautiful young daughter is kidnapped. He reluctantly calls in Steve Yu to help solve the case. Pretty slow-going stuff for the most part, but when Yu fights whip-wielding main villain Alex Lung (curiously, both good-looking fighters were not in many more films) on the beach in the extended climax, fans of early 70s bashers will really dig it. With Chiang Nan, Meng Hoi, Cory Yuen, Brandy Yuen, Yuen Biao, Yuen Shun-Yi, Yuen Bun and Chin Yuet-Sang. A funk and soul soundtrack (which is sometimes quite inappropriate) was added for the US English-dubbed release.

THE THUNDERING MANTIS (din tong long; dian tang lang) (1979 HK) D: TSIA WING CHOY W: CHANG SHUN YEE P: CHOW FOK LEUNG Leung Kar Yan is a fishmonger’s assistant who’s expelled from his kung fu school for always getting in trouble. He befriends an old man (Chin Yuet San) and his grandson (Wong Yat Lung, a very adept child actor) who are having trouble with the mean Jade horse gang. The old man teaches Yan Mantis style, which transforms into out of control Thundering Mantis in the amazing, unexpectedly brutal, bloody and somewhat ghoulish finale. You don’t want to miss this one, a tremendous Robert Tai choreographed action movie and a fine showcase for Yan. With Eddie Ko, Lee Kun, Shih Ting Ken and some goofy toilet humour. “Watch out, that guy’s real crazy”. Many of the same cast and crew were behind SLEEPING FIST.

THUNDER OF GIGANTIC SERPENT (terror serpent; daai se wong) (1988 TAI) D/W: “CHARLES LEE”/”BENNY HO” (GODFREY HO) P: JOSEPH LAI/ BETTY CHAN A lab researching some kind of revolutionary growth formula is attacked by terrorists. A scientist manages to escape and throws away an experimental animal tank. A little girl finds it and puts her pet snake in there, and we soon get a giant snake on the loose. In the finale it attacks a city and wraps itself round a high-rise before military missiles take it down. Meanwhile, (what Ho film would be complete without an unrelated time-wasting subplot), an agent called Ted Fast hunts some bad guys. Chi Kuan Chun is a villain and Danny Lee is in it very briefly at the beginning. The monster FX are only slightly better than REPTILICUS. It’s not good, although I did enjoy the oversized frog. It was probably made years before the 1988 release/copyright date. Parts of the REANIMATOR soundtrack make up some of the stolen music.

THUNDER WARRIOR (thunder) (1983 ITL) D/W/P: “LARRY LUDMAN” (FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS) W: “DA VID PARKER JR.” (DARDANO SACCHETTI) Native Indian Mark Gregory (from 1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS and its sequel) returns to his Arizona home town to find his ancestors’ burial ground is being demolished. When he tries to report it, he encounters prejudice and police corruption. He takes to the desert mountains Rambo-style with his bow and arrow. Bo Svenson is the sheriff and Antonio Sabato is a heavily-armed creep in this passable FIRST BLOOD rip-off. With Bruno Corazzari.

THUNDER WARRIOR 2 (thunder 2) (1987 ITL) D/W: “DAVID PARKER JR.” (DARDANO SACCHETTI) D/W/P: “LARRY LUDMAN” (FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS) Gregory and Svenson star in this undistinguished sequel that for some reason I enjoyed watching. The best part is when a policeman crashing his car suddenly transforms into a stunt driver complete with crash helmet and roll cage in a slo-mo close-up. The ending is also strange. With Bruno Corazzari and Goffredo Unger.

THUNDER WARRIOR 3 (thunder 3) (1988 ITL GER) D/W/P: “LARRY LUDMAN” (FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS) W: “DAVID PARKER JR.” (DARDANO SACCHETTI) Final entry in the series has Thunder (Mark Gregory) terrorising a small desert community after some respected townsfolk (led by Werner Pochath) and their weekend survivalist team shoot up a reservation for kicks and then refuse to pay the damages. With John Phillip Law and a car and motorbike chase. Pretty boring.

THURSDAY (1998 US) D/W: SKIP WOODS P: ALAN POUL Thomas Jane stars as a reformed LA criminal now married and settled into a suburban life. Aaron Eckhart is his old partner who drops by his house and leaves a stash of smack and stolen money behind. Various characters (including corrupt cop Mickey Rourke) stop by to try to get their hands on it. Woods is obviously a huge Tarantino and George Armitage fan, but not a particularly talented one. It’s hip-by-numbers with casual “cool” amoral outbursts of violence and pop culture references. But it doesn’t have heart. With James Le Gros as an obvious extension of Mr. White in RESERVOIR DOGS, Paulina Porizkova, Michael Jeter, Paula Marshall and Glenn Plummer.

THX 1138 (1971 US) D/W: GEORGE LUCAS W: WALTER MURCH P: LAWRENCE STURHAHN Francis Ford Coppola (an executive producer) sank money into expanding Lucas’ student short of the same name and this feature was born. Robert Duvall stars as the title character, arrested for not taking his tranquillisers in an Orwellian dehumanised future and ends up disorientated in an all-white prison. This very dreary (and very early 70s) dystopian vision is considered an antidote to Lucas’ STAR WARS films, but Lucas’ hypocritically dehumanising approach to actors makes for a visually impressive but emotionally redundant failure. With Donald Pleasence (the best thing about it), Don Pedro Colley, Sid Haig, Johnny Weissmuller Jr., Ian Wolfe and David Ogden Stiers. The BART subway tunnels in San Francisco were used for locations.

TICKER (2001 US) D/P: ALBERT PYUN W: PAUL B. MARGOLIS P: RANDALL EMMETT/PAUL ROSENBLUM/ KEN AGUADO/GEORGE FURLA Here’s another lousy Pyun movie. Traumatised cop Tom Sizemore and Zen-obsessed bomb disposal expert Steven Seagal are up against terrorist Dennis Hopper (with an awful on/off Irish accent), who’s levelling San Francisco buildings with hi-tech explosive devices. Mindless (badly staged) action, a script that seems to have been made up as it goes along, tacky rear-view projection from another era, and lots of stock footage add up to a mess worth avoiding. With Jaime Pressly (POISON IVY: THE NEW SEDUCTION), Peter Greene, Joe Spano, Nas, Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas, Kevin Gage, Michael Halsey, Norbert Weisser, Ice T and Yuji Okumoto. I may be mistaken, but I think that’s Seagal with a fake beard as the briefly seen singer in a jazz club. From Nu Image (Boaz Davidson, Avi and Danny Lerner).

THE TICKET OF LEAVE MAN (1937 UK) D: GEORGE KING W: A.R. RAWLINSON/H.F. MALTBY Tod Slaughter delivers another of his typical Victorian era duality-of-man roles as a kindly seeming social worker helping recently paroled former convicts, who is also master thief and murderer The Tiger, blackmailing the parolees to do his bidding. I love watching Slaughter in anything, but unless you’re a fan you won’t find anything new here. Business as usual. Robert Adair is Hawkshaw the detective (it means nothing to modern viewers, but the name of this character from Tom Taylor’s oft-filmed stage play of 1863 had been adopted for Gus Mager’s popular comic serial that debuted in 1913). With Peter Gawthorne and a cheeky cigar-smoking boy (another character very much of its time).

TICKS (infested; parasites; ticks attack; c2-killerinsect) (1993 US) D: TONY RANDEL W: BRENT V. FRIEDMAN P: JACK F. MURPHY Urban teens (including star Seth Green) go out into the woods with some counsellors as part of some kind of study into troubled youths. Fertiliser filled with steroids, used by some arsehole hick dope farmers (Barry, brother of Richard Lynch and a sidekick who calls him “sir”) turn wood ticks into big, aggressive bloodsuckers (nice FX by Doug Beswick). An ok time-waster, picks up a bit in the final reel with the survivors barricaded in an old cabin, and one huge tick on the scene. Better than SKEETER, not as good as MOSQUITO, other similar movies from around the same time. With Ami Dolenz, Clint Howard as the type of weirdo he usually plays, and his father Rance as the sheriff. Gary Schmoeller was line producer, Brian Yuzna was executive producer.

TICKS ATTACK See: TICKS

… tick… tick… tick… (1970 US) D/P: RALPH NELSON W/P: JAMES LEE BARRETT A Southern town in the midst of a blistering summer becomes a hotbed of racial tension when the first black sheriff is to be appointed. That sheriff is Jim Brown. George Kennedy is at his best as the old sheriff who doesn’t know what to do with his time. Don Stroud is a particularly horrible racist redneck. With Fredric March as the mayor, Bernie Casey, Dub Taylor, Almira Sessions and the ultimate Southern hick film persona, Clifton James. This underrated gem is top-notch in every way and is far superior to Nelson’s much more famous SOLDIER BLUE from the same year. Recommended.

TIFFANY JONES (tales of tiffany jones) (1973 UK) D/P: PETE WALKER W: ALFRED SHAUGHNESSY Anouska Hempel (from BLACK SNAKE!) stars as a much-in-demand model who gets involved with a foreign dictator (played by Eric Pohlmann) and the London-based fanatical groups out to overthrow him in this terrible comedy adventure from the director of FRIGHTMARE. With Martin Benson and Bill Kerr. It’s based on a comic strip character. “Karl Marx never liked transvestites”.

TIGER AND CRANE FISTS (savage killers; foo hok seung ying; hu hao shuang xing) (1976 HK) D: JIMMY WANG YU W: I. KUANG P: WONG CHEUK HON Friendly rivals Lau Kar Wing (who choreographed the action) and star Jimmy Wang Yu argue over which is the best, tiger or crane style. Meanwhile, Lung Fei goes around killing with his metal claws (on chains) to make way for Japanese invaders. After Wing sacrifices himself, Wang Yu has some great training scenes before pitting himself against Lung (a great kung fu villain). A cool Wang Yu flick, a must for his fans. This is the film that was fucked around with for the spoof KUNG POW.

TIGER CLAN DEATH KICK See: BRUCE LEE WE MISS YOU

TIGER JOE (fuga dall’archipelago maledetto) (1982 ITL) D: “ANTHONY M. DAWSON” (ANTONIO MARGHERITI) W: TITO CARPI W/P: GIANFRANCO COUYOUMDJIAN ’Nam vet gunrunner David Warbeck gets caught behind enemy lines while supplying freedom fighters fighting the Khmer Rouge (I guess, not much is explained) in Cambodia (actually the Philippines). Routine and largely dull actioner swipes some footage from Margheriti’s Vietnam War flick THE LAST HUNTER (also with Warbeck). Apparently some crew members died in a plane crash during filming. “Alan Collins” (Luciano Pigozzi) is one of the co-stars.

TIGER KIDS See: THE HELL’S WIND STAFF

TIGER MAN (1978 US) D: “MATT CIMBER” (MATTEO OTTAVIANO) P: GEORGE E. ROBERTS Don Wong Tao stars as a poor farm boy called Don Juan (!) who goes on the run from the Tongs after helping “former schoolmate Bruce Lee” against some of their hoods. He goes all over Asia to escape them and eventually ends up in the States. Cimber isn’t really known for quality but this is particularly bad (and, unfortunately, dull). With Tommy Lee, Joe Tornatore and Jimmy Lee. You know you’re in trouble when George “Buck” Flower is in charge of casting.

TIGER ON THE BEAT (liu foo chut gang; lao hu chu geng) (1988 HK) D: LIU CHIA LIANG W/P: CHANG GWOK TSZ P: WELLINGTON FUNG WING Chow Yun Fat and Conan Lee are martial arts-fighting cops after drug-dealer killers in this action-packed buddybuddy movie. Not so exceptional, but boasts an impressive warehouse finale involving a chainsaw duel. With Ti Lung, Nina Li Chi, Lydia Shum, Lau Kar Wing, Wilson Tong, Tsui Sui Keung, Lau Kar Fei, Gordon Liu, Norman Chu, Phillip Ko Fei, Shing Fui On and David Chiang. A sequel followed.

TIGER OVER WALL (chun biu fong; xien bu fang) (1980 HK) D: TONY LIU P: ALEX GOUW When a wealthy foreigner’s dog is killed, corrupt cops Kong Tao and Hwang Jang Lee frame an innocent man. That man’s son-in-law (Phillip Ko Fei) fights back. Passable but unremarkable kung fu quickie until Ko Fei and HJL face off at the end. A nicely done final duel choreographed by Ten Tak Tseng. With Jue Tit Woh, Chan Lau, Tony Liu, Wong Biu Chan and director Liu.

TIGER VS. DRAGON See: KUNG FU: THE INVINCIBLE FIST

TIGHTROPE (1984 US) D/W: RICHARD TUGGLE P: CLINT EASTWOOD/FRITZ MANES Eastwood is a single parent cop on the trail of a prostitute strangler in this different but boring thriller. As Eastwood visits the exact hookers that are killed, there’s a vague notion of him being the killer, but this premise never goes anywhere. Dreary. With Genevieve Bujold, Dan Hedaya, Alison Eastwood, Joy N. Houck Jr., Robert Harvey and Manes. Tuggle also wrote ESCAPE FROM ALACATRAZ.

TIGRESS See: ILSA, TIGRESS OF SIBERIA

TIKI (2006 US) D/W/P: RON FORD A girl from Hawaii studies the performing arts at a North American college. When a cruel prank results in a serious seizure, a small wooden tiki doll that she reluctantly carries takes vengeance for her (at one point it rips someone’s tongue out). It’s all related in flashback by a bitchy teen girl in a mental asylum. Ford (who makes a cameo appearance) has been churning out cheap quickies for years now, so this is a little better than you might expect. Still, not that good. Fred Olen Ray was the executive producer.

’TIL DAWN DO US PART See: STRAIGHT ON TILL MORNING

TILL DEATH DO US PART See: THE BLOOD SPATTERED BRIDE

TIMBUCTU See: THE CANNIBALS

TIME AFTER TIME (1979 US) D/W: NICHOLAS MEYER W: KARL ALEXANDER/STEVE HAYES P: HERB JAFFE Malcolm McDowell is H.G. Wells and David Warner is Jack the Ripper, who escapes to modern-day San Francisco in Wells’ time machine in this fun fantasy comedy adventure with an inventive premise. No classic, but enjoyable enough, and I always enjoy Warner and McDowell. Mary Steenburgen is the woman in peril in a romantic subplot. With Patti D’Arbanville, Larry J. Blake, Reed Morgan, Jim Haynie and Corey Feldman.

TIME AND TIDE (shunliu niliu; senlau ngeklau) (2000 HK) D/W/P: TSUI HARK W: KOAN HUI Nicolas Tse (GEN X COPS) works as a bodyguard for Anthony Wong’s security company. He gets roped in when a friend gets involved with gangsters, and also tries to help out pregnant lesbian cop Candy Lo. Stylish but directionless and unsatisfying mix of action and human drama. With Wu Bai and Cathy Tsui.

TIME BANDITS (1981 UK) D/W/P: TERRY GILLIAM W: MICHAEL PALIN A little boy escapes from his neglectful tv addict parents on an adventure with time-travelling dwarfs (led by David Rappaport) who have a map that reveals the locations of holes in time that they can slip through. Decent fantasy concept is mixed with comedy and results in an agreeable kids’ movie that is not bad as adult fodder, either. Palin also appears in a few roles, as does that other Python John Cleese. With Kenny (R2D2) Baker, Ian Holm as Napoleon, the always fun David Warner as the villain, Ralph Richardson, Shelley Duvall, Katherine Helmond, Sean Connery, Peter Vaughan and Jim Broadbent. It’s from George Harrison’s HandMade Films, and was a surprise hit.

TIME CHASERS (tangents) (1994 US) D/W: DAVID GIANCOLA P: PETER BECKWITH An ugly nerd puts a time machine on a small plane and takes a female journalist into the future. When they return, a big corporation offers to pay for more research. On a return trip to the future we discover that the company used the device as a weapon and it’s resulted in total desolation (or as much desolation as the small budget allows). It’s all sorted out in the end, though, after much toing and froing, and the future is returned to its normal state (it looks exactly like now, by the way). A truly awful film.

TIMECOP (1994 US JPN) D: PETER HYAMS W: MARK VERHEIDEN/MIKE RICHARDSON P: MOSHE DIAMANT/SAM RAIMI/ROBERT G. TAPERT Jean-Claude Van Damme has to stop corrupt Senator Ron Silver from ripping off the past and basically doing evil things in time in this very lame and tame action movie. With Mia Sara, Gloria Reuben, Bruce McGill, Kenneth Walsh, Kevin McNulty, Gabrielle Rose, Malcolm Stewart, Duncan Fraser, Tom McBeath, Veena Sood, James Lew and Callum Keith Rennie. It’s based on the screenwriters’ comic book. Filmed in US and Canada. A tv series and TIMECOP 2 followed.

TIMECOP 2: THE BERLIN DECISION (2003 US) D: STEPHEN BOYUM W: GARY SCOTT THOMPSON P: MIKE ELLIOTT After a short-lived tv series in 1997, Jason Scott Lee reprised the lead for this insufferable sequel with multiple time-jumping criminals attempting to alter the future via the past. With Thomas Ian Griffith, John Beck, Mary Page Keller, Tava Smiley, Josh Hammond, A.J. Buckley. Sven-Ole Thorsen, Robert Carradine, Ron Yuan and Philip Tan.

THE TIME MACHINE (1960 US) D/P: GEORGE PAL W: DAVID DUNCAN Rod Taylor stars as the Victorian era scientist who constructs a vehicle for travelling through time, and ends up in a future where apathetic humans are under the control of white-haired mutant beasts called Moorlocks. This fine H.G. Wells adaption deserves its reputation as a slice of classic, influential sci-fi. With Yvette Mimieux, Whit Bissell, Sebastian Cabot and Doris Lloyd. Remade twice.

THE TIME MACHINE (2002 US) D: SIMON WELLS W: JOHN LOGAN P: WALTER F. PARKES/DAVID VALDES I liked the beginning of this (second) remake starring Guy Pearce as the scientist in 19th century NYC trying to save his fiancée (Sienna Guillory from SUPERSTITION) from death, and the ILM FX when he goes zooming into the far-flung future (80271) are very well done. But I don’t think you’ll like much of what happens after that. With Mark Addy (FLINSTONES IN VIVA ROCK VEGAS), Phyllida Law, Orlando Jones, Jeremy Irons, Myndy Crist, Doug Jones and Samantha and Omero Mumba. The director is actually H.G. Wells’ great-grandson.

TIME OF THE APES (army of the apes: saru no gundan) (1971-1973/1987 JPN) D: ATSUO OKUNAKA/ KIYOSUMI OKUNAKA W: KEIICHI ABE/SAKYO KOMATSU/KOUJI TONAKA/ARITSUME TOYODA P: MASASHI TADAKUMA/MATAICHI TAKAHASHI Two kids visit their aunty at a cryogenics laboratory. An earthquake hits the lab and our three heroes emerge in the future, which is ruled by monkeys with laser whips. It’s pretty silly and fun for the most part, but the ending involving God actually being futuristic humans in a UFO is genuinely intriguing stuff. This is in fact a condensed version of a Japanese Planet of the Apes rip-off tv series from the 70s, released with an English dub by Sandy Frank in 87.

TIME PANIC See: TRIASSIC ATTACK

TIME RUNNER See: IN EXILE

TIME RUNNING OUT See: GUNMAN IN THE STREETS

TIME SLIP (g.i. samurai; sengoku jieitai) (1981 JPN) D: KOSEI SAITO W: TOSHIO KAMATA P: TAKESHI MOTOMURA Sonny Chiba leads a platoon of soldiers on defensive training manoeuvres at the beach that somehow find themselves in the 16th century. They use their modern weapons to defeat warmongering samurai. Based on a novel by Ryo Hanamura, this interesting concept lends itself to a flawed but worthwhile curio. The original Japanese print is far too long at almost 150 mins. The considerably shorter English-language dub released in America is more fast-paced and digestible. Both have alternate (terrible) pop and rock ballads on the soundtrack. With Mikio Narita, Hiroyuki Sanada, Asao Koike, Hiroko Yakushimaru (from LEGEND OF THE EIGHT SAMURAI), Isao Natsuyagi, Tsunehiko Watase and Miyuki Ono. A passable yet unnecessary remake (SAMURAI COMMANDO) was released in 2005.

TIMESLIP TO GOR 2 See: OUTLAW OF GOR

TIME TO DIE (1991) See: GUILTY AS CHARGED

TIME TRAVEL See: THREE CRAZY JERKS 2

THE TIME TRAVELERS (1964 US) D/W: IB MELCHIOR W: DAVID HEWITT P: WILLIAM REDLIN Scientists Preston Foster, Philip Carey and Merry Anders (and a comic relief technician) open a time portal and step into post-nuclear 2071 where underground scientists led by John Hoyt try to protect themselves (and their cool android creations) from hostile mutants while preparing a voyage into space to find a new home. This interesting AIP sci-fi gets itself all confused with the logistics of time travel (and the none too funny anctics seem out of place), but there’s something really likeable about it. Especially the exciting ending which doesn’t turn out as you expect and features very good use of rapid-fire editing. With Forrest J. Ackerman, Joan Woodbury, Steve Franken and a “lunachord” love machine instrument (which I want for Xmas). Vilmos Zsigmond AND László Kovács (!) were responsible for the photography. Hewitt (who also provided the decent FX) kind of remade it as JOURNEY TO THE CENTRE OF TIME.

TIME TRAX (1993 US) D: LEWIS TEAGUE W: HARVE BENNETT P: GARY NARDINO Dale Midkiff is the time-travelling hero who follows an escaped criminal from the future into our present. It’s the pilot for a tv series, so is the usual forgettable filler nonsense. Mia Sara co-stars, with Peter Donat.

TIME WALKER (being from another planet) (1982 US) D: TOM KENNEDY W: TOM FRIEDMAN/KAREN LEVITT W/P: JASON WILLIAMS P: DIMITRI VILLARD A sarcophagus from the tomb of King Tut is discovered and opened by a university professor and his students. Inside is a mummy who’s resurrected by the radioactivity from an x-ray machine!?! When an arsehole student steals some diamonds from the mummy’s resting place it soon comes looking for them. There’s also a flesh-eating green fungus and a surprise cosmic ending. All this sounds promising on paper, but it’s not really any good. James Karen is the college dean, Austin Stoker (from ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13) is a doctor, and look for Harry Belafonte’s daughter Shari and 70s porn actress Sandy Carey (she was also in the classic SASSY SUE). With Jason (FLESH GORDON) Williams. It’s “To be continued… ”, but it never was.

TIME WARP (1964) See: THE TIME TRAVELERS

TIME WARP (1967) See: JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF TIME

TIME WARP (1972) See: THE BRAIN MACHINE

TIME WARP (1978) See: THE DAY TIME ENDED

TIME WARP TERROR See: BLOODY NEW YEAR

TIME WARP ZONE See: BLOODY NEW YEAR

THE TIME WARRIORS See: THE ICEMAN COMETH

THE TINGLER (1959 US) D/P: WILLIAM CASTLE W: ROBB WHITE If you haven’t seen Castle’s legendary TINGLER yet, what the fuck are you waiting for? Vincent Price is a doctor who discovers that a centipede-like parasite grows on your spine when you’re scared. A scream releases it and you’re saved. So Price plots to kill his mute wife by scaring her to death (she can’t scream so the tingler should kill her). A superb hallucinatory scene (in colour, the rest of the film being b/w) has an arm reaching out of a bath filled with blood to grab her. Another mysterious arm from behind a door flings an axe at her. This is all great tongue-in-cheek Grand Guignol, but originally it was shown in theatres with the “Percepto” gimmick, where random theatre seats were wired to buzz at certain moments of the film so the audience would scream to release the tingler. When a tingler escapes from the screen into the theatre, this must have been a riot. With Darryl Hickman, Richard Barthelmess and Dal McKennon.

TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY (1979 UK) D: JOHN IRVIN W: ARTHUR HOPCRAFT P: JONATHAN POWELL Alec Guinness is George Smiley, a more or less retired old British spy with ties to The Circus, a branch of the espionage services in London. He’s given good reason to dig into the history of his peers to seek the identity of a mole inside the organisation. That is at least the framework of the serpentine narrative, based on John Le Carré’s hypnotic, classic novel. Like the book, the whodunnit facts and figures are less important than the mood and atmosphere, and everything from the direction to the performances paints a weary, detail-rich look at life at the fag end of a faded former empire’s secret police. Good adaptation work by Hopcraft necessarily moves the chronology around a bit. Certainly not for the impatient (James Bond would not have been welcome at the Circus, all that running around, what!), but if you are so inclined, you’ll find it hard not to watch all seven episodes of this first-class BBC miniseries in one sitting (Americans beware, your domestic dvd set has a shortened US syndicate version that runs only six episodes). The amazing ensemble cast includes Bernard Hepton, Thorley Walters, Michael Jayston, Terence Rigby, Hywel Bennett, Anthony Bate, George Sewell, Eugene Lipinski, Beryl Reid, Ian Richardson, Patrick Stewart, Alexander Knox, Warren Clarke, Joss Ackland, Ian Bannen and Michael Aldridge. Geoffrey Burgon’s score is excellent. Simply put, tv at its finest. They skipped over Le Carré’s second book (The Honourable Schoolboy) in the trilogy, so SMILEY’S PEOPLE followed in 1982. A great 2011 movie adaptation of TINKER, TAILOR[bu8]actually manages to stand on its own, an unexpected achievement.

‘TIS THE SEASON See: SANTA CLAWS

TITAN FIND See: CREATURE

T-MEN (1947 US) D: ANTHONY MANN W: JOHN C. HIGGINS/VIRGINIA KELLOGG P: AUBREY SCHENCK Dennis O’Keefe is one of two undercover US Treasury agents who pose as mobsters so they can bust a counterfeiting ring in this narrated b/w noir thriller, NAKED CITY-style (it actually predates that recognised police procedural classic). Good, but so many films of the period were solid, quality programmers that it doesn’t stand out. John Alton’s cinematography is impeccable. With Wallace Ford, Charles McGraw and his chin, June Lockhart, Herbert Hayes, Jim Bannon, Trevor Bardette, Al Bridge, Ralph Brooks, George M. Carleton, Frank Ferguson, Reed Hadley, Jerry Jerome, Lyle Latell, Tom McGuire, Mira McKinney, James Seay, Cecil Weston and Robert Williams.

T.N.T. JACKSON (1975 US PHIL) D/P: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO W: KEN METCALFE/DICK MILLER Jeannie Bell stars as T.N.T. Jackson, an American in “Hong Kong” out for revenge for her brother’s death at the hands of drug-dealers. Her martial arts “skills” are obviously nonexistent, but at least she demonstrates them topless (Bell had been in Playboy magazine) and at the end punches right through a guy! I’d love to recommend a film co-scripted by Dick Miller (!), but it can’t be denied that this does indeed suck. Must have been a hit, though, as executive producer Roger Corman had Santiago remake it twice (!) as FIRECRACKER and ANGEL FIST (80s and 90s, respectively).

TOAD WARRIOR (hell comes to frogtown 3) (1996 US) D/W/P: “MAXIMO T. BIRD” (DONALD G. JACKSON) W/P: SCOTT SHAW Shaw stars as Max Hell in this no-budget mess that doesn’t really have much to do with earlier FROGTOWN movies. He uses a samurai sword and seems irresistible to women. The plot involves some renegade scientist about to detonate a bomb that’ll turn everyone into toads. Joe Estevez does the hokey-cokey and there’s alleged comedy. The lowest point could be a cameo from Conrad Brooks and the alligator puppet from ROLLER GATOR. Some scenes are repeated, as if once wasn’t enough! It’s “to be continued…” ( I hope not) and there’s even a fan club address! With Jill Kelly and Nancy Vee.

TO ALL A GOODNIGHT (1980 US) D: DAVID HESS W: ALEX REBAR P: JAY RASUMNY A young sorority pledge accidentally falls to her death during an initiation prank. Two years later and more girls (including cute “good” girl Jennifer Runyon) and guys (who fly in on a private plane) are offed by someone in a Santa suit (it’s not Xmas) with an axe. A rather uneventful, routinely bad slasher flick with hokey decapitations. Cult movie heavy Hess was in HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK the same year, the year that INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN Rebar made DEMENTED.

TOBE HOOPER’S NIGHT TERRORS (tobe hooper’s nightmares) (1993 CAN US EGY) D: TOBE HOOPER W: DANIEL MARTMOR/ROM GLOBUS P: HARRY ALAN TOWERS The same year as THE MANGLER Hooper made this equally dreadful uncredited remake of Jesús Franco’s EUGENIE: THE STORY OF HER JOURNEY INTO PERVERSION (based on the writings of de Sade). Eugenie is an American teen drugged and chained up in Egypt. Robert Englund appears in flashbacks as de Sade. Senseless, bad and boring.

TO CATCH A NINJA (the ninja and the thief; zhi zun shen tou) (1984 TAI) D: TOMMY LEE Cop Don Wong Tao is after a thief/ninja played by Yasuaki Kurata, and things get personal after Kurata suffocates his (topless) woman to death. This utterly loopy action movie is pretty much non-stop impressive lowbudget action (probably choreographed by kung fu ace Lee). The car action is particularly impressive (not to mention dangerous-looking). In one scene, Wong Tao’s bubble car is attacked by a gang of stickwielding Ninjas on roller skates! Tao and a female cop face off against Kurata at the end. Great stuff! With Hon Gwok-Choi. See also NINJA THUNDERBOLT.

TO CATCH A THIEF (1955 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: JOHN MICHAEL HAYS Cary Grant is an ex-jewel thief on the French Riviera trying to clear his name when spate of robberies occur. Grace Kelly is an American heiress. This light crime comedy (based on a David Dodge novel) is pretty enjoyable, but not amongst Hitchcock’s best. With Jessie Royce Landis, Charles Varnel, Jean Martinelli, Georgette Anys, John Alderson, René Blancard, Eugene Borden, Dominique Davray, Steven Geray, Roland Lesaffre, Louis Mercier, Alberto Morin, Paul Newlan, Barry Norton, Manuel Paris, Leonard Penn and Philip Van Zandt. Hitch has his usual cameo, of course.

TODAY IT’S ME… TOMORROW YOU! (today we kill, tomorrow we die!; oggi a me… domani a te!) (1968 ITL) D/W: TONINO CERVI W: DARIO ARGENTO Brett Halsey is framed for the murder of his wife and sent to jail for five years. When he gets out he rounds up a posse of old friends and tracks down the guilty in this uninspired but pretty good spaghetti western with an interesting cast including Bud Spencer, William Berger, Tatsuya Nakadai and Pietro Torrisi.

TODAY WE KILL, TOMORROW WE DIE! See: TODAY IT’S ME…TOMORROW YOU!

THE TODD KILLINGS See: SKIPPER

DER TODESKING (1989 GER) D/W: JÖRG BUTTGEREIT W: FRANZ RODENKIRCHEN P: MANFRED O. JELISNKY More death-obsessed, arty exploitation from the director of the NEKROMANTIK films. On Monday a guy takes an overdose in the bath after chainmailing some letters. People who receive them murder or commit suicide, one for each day of the week. One vignette copies a scene from MS. 45. Another features Buttgereit as a victim of penis chopping in a Nazi atrocity film. We also get the sped-up decomposition of a (very fake-looking) dead body. If this is your idea of fun, CORPSE FUCKING ART is a documentary about Buttgereit.

TO HELL WITH THE DEVIL (mo deng tian shi) (1981 HK) D/W: JOHN WOO W: SZE-TO CHEUK HON/SHU KEI Paul Chung Pui is a priest who kills himself on the toilet and descends to Limbo, where the Devil (Chung Faat) informs him that he must return up above to fight for the soul of a pop singer called Bruce Lee (Ricky Hui). Stanley Fung is the other recently deceased who’s in the opposite corner, tempting Hui to sign his soul away so he can become a major success, beating his rival Rocky (Nat Chan Pak-Cheung) in the charts. In a steal from BEDAZZLED, we also get to see alternative lifestyle options for Hui. Those who only know of Woo through his heroic bloodshed hits or later Hollywood gigs will be surprised by this crazy, often grating mix of imaginative fantasy, childish comedy and occasional horror. I think it’s worth sitting through, if just for the odd, memorable Space Invaders-in-Hell finale. With Yuen Miu, John Shum and Wong Man. Raymond Cow was the executive producer for this Golden Harvest release. In Japan the title is AMEN, OMEN, KUNG FU-MEN!

TO KILL OR TO DIE See: THE FIGHTING FISTS OF SHANGHAI JOE

TO KILL WITH INTRIGUE (kim dut yin yue naam; jian hua yan yu jiang nan) (1978 HK) D: LO WEI P: HSU LI WA Unfairly slated kung fu revenge movie stars a long-haired Jackie Chan (who eats hot coals as part of his training) and features some nice fight choreography. There’s also some minimal wirework and some strange little touches that make it worth the watch. The final duel is pretty exciting. With Ma Kei, Chan Wai Lau, Lee Man Tai and Man Man. It was lensed in Korea for Lo Wei Studios.

TOKUGAWA: THE JOY OF TORTURE (shogun’s joy of torture; the joy of torture; criminal women; tokugawa onna keibatsushi) (1968 JPN) D/W: TERUO ISHII W: MISAO YAGI This influential hit from Toei is a trilogy of tales chronicling the torture of women in ancient Japan. The first story involves incest and ends with a woman crucified upside-down in the sea. The second has bald nuns punished for their sexual experimentation (including eel torture). The final (and best and roughest) has a tattoo artist searching for the ultimate look of (ecstatic) pain on a woman’s face. Lots of various torture techniques in this one. A little tamer now than when it was new, this classy exploitation classic of its kind is still making people uneasy, with accusations of misogyny constantly levelled against it. I think it’s great. Beautifully shot by Motoya Washyo, with a fine score by Masao Yagi. With Gannosuke Ashiya, Toru Yuri and Fumio Watanabe. Actually the second in a series that started with TOKUGAWA: WOMEN GENEALOGY. It was followed by ORGIES OF EDO, SHAMELESS: ABNORMAL AND ABUSIVE LOVE (both 1969, and the only two I haven’t caught up with yet), INFERNO OF TORTURE, LOVE AND CRIME, PORNO SAMURAI THEATRE: BOHACHI CODE OF HONOUR and YAKUZA TORTURE: LYNCHING!

TOKUGAWA: WOMEN GENEALOGY (tokugawa onna keizu) (1968 JPN) D/W: TERUO ISHII W: KOZO UCHIDA This is the first in a landmark series of period sexploitation flicks from Toei. The plot involves a lord’s quest among his harem of courtesans for a woman with a mole on her inner thigh. Despite having not seen her face, a glimpse at her behaviour during a bawdy and humiliating dance routine for his enjoyment has convinced him that she is to be his perfect masochist plaything. Unfortunately, the other jealous girls have burned out her eyes and given themselves fake mole tattoos in order to attract the master. Compared to later entries, this toned-down entry could be considered a disappointment for those seeking exploitation thrills of the extreme kind, but it’s still a great-looking, exquisitely detailed, high-class number with some amusing erotic distractions (topless sumo wrestling, for example, and several choreographed dance routines). The series got more savage in nature with TOKUGAWA: THE JOY OF TORTURE.

TOKYO CRISIS WAR See: LIVING DEAD IN TOKYO BAY

TOKYO DRIFTER (the man from tokyo; tokyo nagaremono) (1966 JPN) D: SEIJUN SUZUKI W: YASUNORI KAWAUCHI P: TETSURO NAKAGAWA Tetsuya Watari co-stars in this unique pop art yakuza thriller oddity that (along with BRANDED TO KILL) got Suzuki fired from the very commercial Nikkatsu studios. Nowadays it’s considered a classic, ahead-of-its-time exercise in stylish postmodernism. It’s also extremely cool. A guy in an all-white room with a white piano and wearing a white suit slits his wrists and the bright red blood spurts all over. It’s a great scene. With Tamio Kawaji. Shigeyoshi Mine was the cinematographer. Production designer Takeo Kimura helped write BRANDED.

TOKYO FIST (tokyo-ken) (1995 JPN) D/W/P: SHINYA TSUKAMOTO W: HISASHI SATO Director Tsukamoto (TETSUO) is a salaryman who loses his girlfriend (Kaori Fuji) to professional boxer Koji Tsukamoto. Shinya trains himself to be a hyperintense killing machine, while Fuji walks away with the movie as a masochistic-piercing fetishist who beats the shit out of both men. Intense, involving and kinetic movie has a bloody climax and some unbelievable moments. I was lucky enough to see it on the big-screen, a great experience. With Tsukamoto regular Tomoroh Taguchi and Naoto Takenaka (also in HIRUKO).

TOKYO GODFATHERS (2003 ANIMATED JPN) D/W: SATOSHI KON W: KEIKO NOBUMOTO P: SHINNICHI KOBAYASHI/TARO MAKI/MASAO TAKIYAMA A squabbling homeless trio on the streets of Tokyo (a middle-aged man, his transvestite “partner” and a runaway teen girl) discover an abandoned baby in the trash at Christmas. They try to return it to the mother in this very funny black comedy adventure that packs a genuine emotional punch, while never letting its cynical mask slip. The animation is excellent, and this would be a good film to show the uninitiated who think cartoons are just for kids. I guess it’s a homage to John Ford’s 3 GODFATHERS (1948). Voices include Toru Emori, Yoshiyaki Umegaki and Rie Shibata. The talented Kon created the undervalued series PARANOIA AGENT next.

TOKYO RAIDERS (dong jing gong lue) (2000 HK) D: JINGLE MA W: SUSAN CHAN/FELIX CHONG P: DAVID CHAN Private detective Tony Leung, interior decorator Ekin Cheng and jilted bride Kelly Chen get mixed up with gangsters and espionage in this kinetic but very tired, unsubstantial-seeming action comedy. Hiroshi Abe is the main Tokyo villain, with Toru Nakamura, Kumiko Endo, Yuko Moriyama, Kou Shibasaki, lots of gadgets, a motor skateboard and a horrible Latino soundtrack. From the director of HOT WAR. SEOUL RAIDERS (2005) was the follow up.

TOKYO SNUFF See: EVIL DEAD TRAP

TOKYO: THE LAST MEGALOPOLIS (capitol story; teito monogatari) (1988 JPN) D/P: AKIO JISSOJI This epic sci-fi/fantasy is based on a novel by Hiroshi Aramata that weaves fiction in with historical events (it was also turned into an anime series released as DOOMED MEGALOPOLIS). The prologue explains how the shogun Masakado took is own life a thousand years ago, and if the shrine containing his severed head is disturbed awful things will happen. Kyusaku Shimada is creepy as the evil Kato, determined to destroy Tokyo at all costs. He even evokes the great earthquake of 1923. The bulk of the movie concerns Masakado’s ancestors and their fight against Kato (a great horror villain). It’s good fantasy cinema with excellent FX (including stop-motion monsters) from Eiji Tsubaraya’s team, and it’s also a fascinating look at Japanese mythology and superstition. With Shintaro Katsu (Zatoichi himself), Mieko Harada, Junichi Ishida and Mikijiro Hira. The even better CAPITOL GREAT WAR and the weird CAPITOL STORY: SECRET REPORT followed.

TOKYO ZOMBIE (2005 JPN) D/W: SAKICHI SATO P: YUSAKU TOYOSHIMA An Afroed Tadanobu Asano and bald Sho Aikawa work at a fire extinguisher factory when they’re not busy practising jujitsu wrestling. They try to flee the city when zombies start to emerge from a huge wasteground dump in the shape of Mt. Fuji. This bizarre black comedy is probably the most laid-back living dead invasion movie, and Asano and Aikawa make a good comedy team. But just as we’re starting to enjoy them and the movie, Aikawa’s character is dropped, and we’re left with only the dull Asano and forced, unfunny “wacky” comedy centred around a future zombie-wrestling tournament attended by wealthy housewives. As soon as Aikawa does return, the movie picks up again and ends on a high note. This uneven surprise hit was based on a manga by Yusaku Hanakuma (who makes a cameo appearance, along with Arata Furata, comedy duo twins The Touch, porn starlet Maria Takagi and legendary horror manga writer Kazuo Umezu), and was the second feature (after 2003’s GOKUDO DEKA) directed by a guy who made a name for himself penning screenplays for outrageous Takashi Miike flicks (ICHI THE KILLER, GOZU etc.). There are animated scenes and a good end rock theme by The Homesicks.

TO LOVE A VAMPIRE See: LUST FOR A VAMPIRE

THE TOMB OF LIGEIA (ligeia; last tomb of ligeia; tomb of the cat) (1964 UK) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: ROBERT TOWNE Corman filmed THE MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH and this, the last of his Edgar Allan Poe adaptions in England. Vincent Price is an enigmatic, sombre widow (who has lots of long monologues) who wears dark sunglasses because of his painfully acute eyesight and lives in his dead wife’s derelict abbey where her tomb is. Elizabeth Shepherd has a dual role as both the dead wife Ligeia in flashbacks, and Price’s confused new bride who feels that the abbey is not yet rid of Ligeia. Excellent Poe adaption involves hypnotism, necrophilia and a black cat. With Ronald Adam and Hazel Court.

TOMB OF THE UNDEAD See: GARDEN OF THE DEAD

TOMB RAIDER See: LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER (series)

TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD (the blind dead; mark of the devil part 4; the night of the blind terror; revenge from planet ape; la noche de la muerta cego; a noite do terror cego; la noche del terror ciego) (1971 SPN POR) D/W: AMANDO DE OSSORIO P: JOSÉ ANTONIO PEREZ GURIER Corrupt 13th century crusaders called the Templars have their eyes burnt out and are killed by villagers who discover that these holy men are drinking the blood of young virgin girls. But not before their discovery of the secret of immortality, so the Templars’ skeletal bodies (still in robes) rise from their graves in an old villa to terrorise (on horseback) in this cult favourite. Maybe not quite as great as its reputation (the direction is mostly pedestrian), this is an enjoyable horror movie with interesting monsters, nice touches here and there, and a great ending. With Rufino Ingles. Sequels started with RETURN OF THE BLIND DEAD. Ossorio provided makeup for all of them. Jesús Franco also put the Templars in his MANSION OF THE LIVING DEAD.

TOMBS OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) See: MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND

TOMBS OF THE LIVING DEAD (1981) See: OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES

TOMIE (1998 JPN) D/W: ATARU OIIKAWA P: YASUHIKO AZUMA/YOUICHIRO ONISHI/SHUN SHIMIZU The title girl was originally killed in 1886. However, parts of her body can reanimate and grow into a whole body again. Men always find her irresistible and jealousy occurs, resulting in death for them and her, thus assuring her eternal youth. It’s pretty confusing and the lethargic pacing and lack of any shocks or excitement render this horror movie pretty dull. It’s based on a manga by Juni Itto. The heroine is Asami Nakamura and Tomie is played by Miho Kanno (from WIZARD OF DARKNESS). With Yoriko Dougouchi, Keta Kusano, Kenji Mizuhashi and Tomoroh Taguchi as a police inspector. Sequels followed, beginning with TOMIE: REPLAY.

TOMIE: ANOTHER FACE (2001 JPN) D: TOSHIRO INOMATA W: SHOTARO OIKAWA P: SHUN SHIMIZU/ YUSUIYUKI UEMURA/TADAKATSU ITOU This anthology inspired by the hit TOMIE and its sequels (and Junji Itto’s manga) was shot on video. The very cute Runna Nagai stars as Tomie in three stories. In the first a schoolboy and his wannabe girlfriend accidentally kill Nagai (looking great in a school uniform) and hide the body, but she just won’t stay dead. In the second a professional photographer (with a poster for BLOWUP on his wall) finds Tomie as the girl with the “perfect look” he’s been after. But the photos come out creepy and distorted. A guy with an eyepatch who’s been seen lurking around in the first two stories turns out to be an ex-police coroner who knows all about Tomie. He tries to warn her current man and kill her in the third part. Nagai is worth seeing, but this movie is not.

TOMIE: RE-BIRTH (2001 JPN) D: TAKASHI SHIMIZU W: YOSHINOBU FUJIOKA P: SHUN SHIMIZU/YOICHIRO ONISHI/YASUHIKO HIGASHI Miki Sakai is utterly miscast as a new Tomie, busy as her usual anti-muse self destroying the lives of all instantly besotted men around her. Badly acted, boring characters sink this lousy entry. I did like the part with Sakai’s severed head crawling around on her hands, though. With Satsohi Tsumabuki, Kumiko Endo and Taro Suwa. TOMIE: FORBIDDEN FRUIT (and others) followed. Shimizu got to write his own effective JUON series.

TOMIE: REPLAY (2000 JPN) D: TOSHIRO MITSUISHI W: SATORU TAMASHIRO W/P: YOICHIRO ONISHI P: TOSHI SHIMIZU/YASUHIKO HIGASHI Saiaka Yamaguchi is the teen heroine searching for her missing father in this slow-moving, uneventful sequel. Mai Hosho is Tomie this time. With Yosuke Kubozuka, Kenichi Endo, Moro Moroka, Shun Sugata and Masatoshi Matsuo. TOMIE: REBIRTH was the official next entry, but a cheaper direct-to-video TOMIE: ANOTHER FACE was released first.

TOMIE: REVENGE (2005 JPN) D/W: ATARU OIKAWA P: NAOYA NARITA/YASUHIKO HIGASHI This one is just the pits. Hisako Shirata is a nurse at a remote hospital in the mountains. She is helping to look after a girl (Minami) with no memory, who was discovered at some old shack nearby. Head doctor Kyusaku Shimada’s missing daughter may have been infected by Tomie (Anri Ban, whose acting is so bad it stands out even amongst the stiff competition). There’s a BLAIR WITCH-style videotape. Blah, blah, blah.

THE TOMMYKNOCKERS (stephen king’s…) (1993 US NZ) D: JOHN POWER W: LAWRENCE D. COHEN P: JAYNE BIEBER/JANE SCOTT Two-part miniseries is an absolutely awful Stephen King adaptation, one of the worst. Marg Helgenberger is the star, a writer who discovers some glowing green thing buried in the woods that turns locals into loyal zombies. This review refers to the full 3 hours+ version that I sat through, but there’s a condensed feature version also. Don’t expect either to make any sense. With Traci Lords, Joanna Cassidy, Robert Carradine, E.G. Marshall, Cliff DeYoung, Allyce Beasley and John Ashton.

TOMORROW NEVER DIES (1997 UK US) D: ROGER SPOTTISWOODE W: BRUCE FEIRSTEIN P: MICHAEL G. WILSON/BARBARA BROCCOLI After GOLDENEYE Pierce Brosnan returns as 007. Jonathan Pryce is the media mogul villain who engineers disasters for front-page headlines. Strictly Bond-by-numbers, featuring a remote-controlled BMW and Vincent Schiavelli as a comic relief German assassin. With Michelle Yeoh (who should have had more fight scenes), Teri Hatcher, Joe Don Baker, Ricky Jay, Gotz Otto, Judi Dench and Desmond Llewelyn as M and Q, Geoffrey Palmer, Samantha Bond, Colin Salmon, Gerald Butler, Michael Byrne, Pip Torrens, Hugh Bonneville, Philip Kwok and Antje Schmidt. Fast Show fans look for “Ed Winchester”! Henry Kissinger (!) was a consultant.

TOMORROW’S DRIVERS (1954 US) Bizarre and thoroughly entertaining b/w 11 mins class ed short takes a look at a driver education course taken by very young (under 10) children at an elementary school in Phoenix, Arizona, that imprints on them the basics of safe driving at a very young age. What gives it an edge is the familiar-sounding narration by James Stewart. It’s from the wonderfully named Jam Handy Organization.

TOMORROW WORLD See: CHILDREN OF MEN

TOMORROW YOU DIE See: THE CRAWLING HAND

THE TONGFATHER See: HANDS OF DEATH

TONY (2009 UK) D/W: GERARD JOHNSON P: DAN McCULLOCH Peter Ferdinando is excellent as Tony, a lonely, socially inept and geeky-looking Dennis Nilsen-like serial killer who seems to kill for the company the rotting corpses in his flat (in Dalston, Hackney area London) give him. Shot in a low-key, docudrama style, with a fine line in pitch-black comedy, it’s a very impressive feature debut (expanded from a short film). The fine score is from The The, led by the director’s brother, Matt Johnson. With Ricky Grover. Highly recommended.

THE TOOLBOX MURDERS (1978 US) D: DENNIS DONNELLY W: NEVA FRIEDENN/ROBERT EASTER/ ANN KINDBERG P: TONY DIDIO Someone is slaughtering young women with various household tools. Drill, hammer, screwdriver and nail gun to the head. Could it be lollipop-sucking apartment super Cameron Mitchell? Famous cult item caused controversy and was accused of misogyny, but after the early courageousness of the naked woman (porno star Kelly Nichols) and nail gun scene, this slows down to a snail’s pace. Not worth your time. With Pamelyn Ferdin. Apparently based on a true story. Gary Graver was the photographer. Remade.

TOOLBOX MURDERS (2003 US) D: TOBE HOOPER W: JACE ANDERSON/ADAM GIERASCH P: TONY DIDIO/ TERRY POTTER/JACQUELINE QUELLA Angela Bettis (MAY) and her always absent young doctor husband move into an old, noisy apartment building in Hollywood. Just like in the infamous original a figure in a balaclava kills with various tools (although not just naked women this time). An internet webcam voyeur subplot modernises it, and there’s a supernatural angle, too. It’s no better, though, and less outrageous. With Juliet Landau and Rance Howard.

TOP DOG (1995 US) D/W: AARON NORRIS W/P: RON SWANSON P: TIM GRAYEM It took a while, but after the success of K-9 and TURNER AND HOOCH, someone thought that Chuck Norris and Reno the dog would be a good idea. Whoever that was should be severely punished. The “hilarious” duo battle white supremacist terrorists. With Clyde Kusatsu, Timothy Bottoms, Francesco Quinn and Eric Norris. Other Chuck family films include SIDEKICKS and FOREST RANGER. Treat your kids today!

TOP LINE (alien terminators) (1988 ITL) D/W: NELLO ROSSATI W: ROBERTO GIANVITI Odd conspiracy movie stars Franco Nero as a writer in Colombia searching for Aztec manuscripts. He discovers an old ship in a cave/spaceship and uncovers an international underground organisation run by aliens. Far from a solid, satisfying sci-fi thriller, it does offer some strangely effective scenes (like a sadistic George Kennedy (who seems to have been dubbed by someone else) chasing a barefoot Nero through a cactus field in his car) and is a must-see for Nero and Eurotrash fans. With William Berger and a bull vs robot showdown.

EL TOPO (1969 MEX) D/W: ALEJANDRO JODOROWSKY P: JUAN LOPEZ MOCTEZUMA/MOSHE REOSEMBERG/ ROBERTO VISKIN After FANDO AND LIS, Jodorowsky made this infamous western (which he also edited and wrote music for). Jodorowsky himself stars in this epic tale of a drifter who must first defeat the four great gunfighters in the desert (for a woman) and later helps a cavern full of deformed cripples escape (they were entombed there by bigots and sadists from a corrupt nearby village). Parts of EL TOPO are unforgivably pretentious, and it does drag, but it’s a unique and sometimes fascinating cult legend (unseen for years) with an ending that still packs a punch. With David Silva, Augustin Isunza, Cecilia Leger and Jylian De Meriche. Allen Klein backed both this and THE HOLY MOUNTAIN (my personal favourite of Jodorowsky’s) with Beatles money. The leftover sets from a western (DAY OF THE EVIL GUN) were used. Originally 135 mins long, the prints in circulation nowadays run a litlle shorter. It has a bogus 1967 production date at the end.

TOP OF THE WORLD (casino heat) (1997 US) D: SIDNEY J. FURIE W: BART MADISON P: ELIE SAMAHA/ AVI LERNER Peter Weller gets out of prison and is picked up by his wife Tia Carrere so they can go to Vegas to get a divorce. Dennis Hopper is Carrere’s new lover who runs a casino that’s being robbed by a gang fronted by Martin Kove. All of these stories come together in a messy, forgettable film that tries to be hip, funny and exciting, but can’t catch any of these three balls properly. Good cast, though, Cari Hiroyuki Tagawa, Peter Coyote, Joe Pantoliano, Ed Lauter, Ely Pouget, Richard Fancy, Ellis Williams and Molly Shannon make it a little easier to watch.

TOPPER (1937 US) D: NORMAN Z. McLEOD W: JACK JEVNE/ERIC HATCH/EDDIE MORAN P: HAL ROACH Irresponsible and wealthy drink-drivers Cary Grant and Constance Bennett die in a crash and return as ghosts. They have a limited amount of ectoplasm, so sometimes disappear. They decide they have to do a good deed, so help out Cosmo Topper (Roland Young, who’s very funny), a repressed businessman under the thumb of his prissy wife Billy Burke. This delightful b/w comedy always cheers me up. With Alan Mowbray, Hedda Hopper, Doodles Weaver, Arthur Lake, Si Jenks, Irving Bacon, Betty Blythe, Ward Bond, Hoagy Carmichael, Jack Mulhall, Lana Turner, Claire Windsor, Eugene Pallette, Virginia Sale, Theodore Von Eltz and J. Farrell MacDonald. The concept (based on Thorne Smith’s novel) resulted in two sequels (TOPPER TAKES A TRIP and TOPPER RETURNS), a 50s tv series and two tv movie remake/pilots.

TOPPER TAKES A TRIP (1939 US) D: NORMAN Z. McLEOD W: EDDIE MORAN/JACK JEVNE/COREY FORD P: HAL ROACH Cosmo (Roland Young)’s wife Billy Burke heads off to France (which we never see) on the advice of a “friend” setting her up with a gold-digger (Alex D’Arcy from HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND). Ghostly Constance Bennett (but not Cary Grant) returns to help him win her back in this fun sequel. With Franklin Pangborn, Irving Pichel, Alan Mowbray, Paul Hurst, Armand Kaliz, Spencer Charters, Leon Belasco, Georges Renavent, George Davis, Paul Everton, Bess Flowers, Georges Humbert, Bud Jamison, Alphonse Martell, Torben Meyer, James C. Morton, Paul Porcasi and Duke York.

TOP SECRET! (1984 UK) D/W: JIM ABRAHAMS/ DAVID & JERRY ZUCKER W: MARTYN BURKE P: JON DAVISON/HUNT LOWRY Before they went their separate ways, the ZAZ comedy team were pretty funny. Everyone remembers AIRPLANE!, but this equally funny spoof has pretty much been forgotten. Val Kilmer stars as an Elvis-type singer on tour in East Germany who gets involved with WWII soldiers and spies. Of course the plot is secondary to the onslaught of visual and verbal gags, some of which are very funny (I particularly like the giant phone perspective joke). With Lucy Gutteridge, Omar Sharif, Peter Cushing (who digs a tunnel with a spoon and speaks backwards), Jeremy Kemp, Michael Gough, Ian McNeice, Jim Carter and the Zuckers and Abrahams.

TORAWAKAMARU, THE KOGA NINJA (ninjutsu gozen-jiai) (1957 JPN) D: TADASHI SAWASHIMA W: TADASHI OGAWA/JUNICHIRO TANIZAKI Sentaro Fushimi stars as the title ninja in this enjoyable, fast-paced b/w programmer from Toei. He’s the son of a renowned ninja master who must do battle with an evil, equally powerful ninja who’s kidnapped the princess (not entirely unlike the later NINJA WARS, but much, much cheaper). Ninja seems to be able to do almost anything with their magic (see also WATARI, THE NINJA BOY) and rarely use the same trick twice. You won’t believe it when good and bad ninjas transform to do battle as a giant toad vs fire-breathing snake! With Ryonosuke Tsukigata, Denjiro Ohochi and a manzai stand-up duo as comic relief lookouts.

TORMENTED (1960 US) D/W/P: BERT I. GORDON W: GEORGE WORTHING YATES P: JOE STEINBERG Jazz pianist Richard Carlson fails to help blackmailing ex Juli Reding from falling to her death from a lighthouse. Her ghostly apparition (sometimes whole, sometimes just a head or a hand) returns to haunt him on the eve of his wedding. Gordon’s little girl Susan has the most prominent, best written part. With Gene Roth. Mediocre b/w quickie is watchable and forgettable, with the occasional inspired Gordon moment.

THE TORMENTED (1977) See: THE EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW

TORN CURTAIN (1966 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: BRIAN MOORE Nuclear scientist Paul Newman defects to East Berlin while staying in Copenhagen, or so it seems. Julie Andrews is his disbelieving wife who tails him. Surprisingly badly thought out espionage thriller with unconvincing characters and unlikely situations. An uncomfortable, protracted death by gas stove scene seems out of place. With Lila Kedrova, Hansjorg Felony, Wolfgang Kieling, Günter Strack, Jan Malmijo and Wilhelm von Homburg.

TORSO (the bodies bear traces of carnal violence; i corpi presentano tracce di volenza carnale) (1973 ITL) D/W: SERGIO MARTINO W: ERNESTO GASTALDI P: CARLO PONTI Run-of-the-mill giallo stars Suzy Kendall as a college girl whose classmates are being strangled by a distinctive silk scarf and then carved up with a knife. Finally released uncut in English, it offers nothing much in the way of gore or nudity.

TORTURE CHAMBER See: BLOOD DEMON

THE TORTURE CHAMBER OF DR. FU MANCHU See: THE CASTLE OF FU MANCHU

THE TORTURE CHAMBER OF DR. SADISM See: BLOOD DEMON

TORTURED FEMALES (1965 US) D: ARCH HUDSON W: NOEL FALLON A blonde narrates the story of what happened when she went from the city to visit her aunt in the country. While skinny-dipping she falls prey to white slavers who put her in a room with other girls and a hunchback retard who menaces with silly, squeaky sound FX noises. Girls are forced to perform strip routines for Mr. Big in this silly b/w “adults only” release, indistinguishable from many others like it. For patient completists only. The credits are mostly made-up names.

TORTURE DUNGEON (dungeon of death) (1969 US) D/W: ANDY MILLIGAN W: JOHN BORSKE P: WILLIAM MISHKIN Staten Island stands in for medieval England, as villainous duke Gerald Jacuzzo plots to take out all in his way to the throne. The sterile duke has a seriously weird (and very Milligan) SM relationship with his hunchback assistant (Neil Flanagan). Hal Borske is his halfwit half-brother who marries Susan Cassidy. There are deaths by pitchfork. Milligan fans will find the usual interesting but half-assed bile-filled dialogue delivered by either regulars or one-time non-actors (some of the accents are pricelessly out of place), and the unchanging, grainy, home video aesthetic. But you have to give the man some credit for being so ambitious on such a meagre budget, and his costume work is pretty good. But it remains a chore to sit still and watch. With Maggie Rogers and Matt Baylor. Screenwriter Borske was technical director. Released in 1970 by Mishkin, it was either shot prior to Milligan’s “English” pictures (NIGHTBIRDS, THE BODY BENEATH, BLOODTHIRSTY BUTCHERS, THE RATS ARE COMING…) or just after (which would make his next picture the equally talky but slightly more watchable GURU, THE MAD MONK).

TORTURE GARDEN (1967 UK) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W: ROBERT BLOCH P: MAX ROSENBERG/MILTON SUBOTSKY Mediocre Amicus anthology has carny barker Dr. Diablo (Burgess Meredith) inviting some curious customers to witness their futures (by staring at an old crone with some shears). The first tale has hidden treasure, missing heads and a psychic cat. The second is an interesting concept concerning Hollywood and longevity, but doesn’t really cut it. The third has a haunted piano. Jack Palance and Peter Cushing are in the fourth as avid collectors of Edgar Allan Poe originals. Palance is real jittery and over-the-top. This is the most interesting segment because of the two stars, but is still unsatisfying. With Michael Ripper, Beverly Adams, Robert Hutton, John Standing, Maurice Denham and Niall MacGinnis. Amicus anthology fans (and who isn’t?) should enjoy the last shot. The next Amicus stab at this sort of thing was THE HOUSE THAT DRIPPED BLOOD.

TORTURE SHIP (1939 US) D: VICTOR HALPERIN W: GEORGE WALLACE SAYRE/HARVEY HUNTLEY (uncredited) P: SIGMUND NEUFELD/BEN JUDELL Irving Pichel (an actor/director most famous for 1950’s DESTINATION MOON) plays a surgeon experimenting with glandular research who’s about to be indicted for malpractice. Instead, he flees on a yacht complete with laboratory, and invites on-board several wanted murderers (including Sheila Bromley, Jacqueline Wells, Skelton Knaggs, Wheeler Oakman and Russell Hopton) whom he will try to turn into non-homicidal citizens. Lyle Tablot co-stars as Pichel’s nephew and ship’s captain who becomes victim to the reverse approach and turns violent. This 62 mins b/w picture from producers Distributing Corp (soon to become PRC) is based on Jack London’s story A Thousand Deaths, and is from a director most famous for WHITE ZOMBIE (1932) and REVOLT OF THE ZOMBIES (1936). I found it to be far too talky and stagey, betraying the potential EC horror-like cartoonish thrills (a remake perhaps?). Does have its fans, though. With Stanley Blystone and (maybe) Carleton Young, and music from David Chudnow.

TORTURE ZONE See: THE FEAR CHAMBER

TOTAL CONTROL See: PROJECT: KILL

TOTAL FEARS See: THE SUM OF ALL FEARS

TOTAL REALITY (1997 US) D/W/P: PHILLIP J. ROTH W: ROB TRENTON/ROBERT TOSSBERG P: CHRISTIAN McINTIRE/KEN OLANDT/ELIZABETH WEINTRAUB David Bradley reluctantly leads a bunch of DIRTY DOZEN-style pardoned cons back from a Fascist future to 1998. A present-day author writes a selfhelp bestseller that becomes the blueprint for the future government. I liked watching Bradley in silliness like CYBORG COP, but this takes itself way too seriously and has little action, but lots of mindless running around. Ely Pouget co-stars, with Thomas Kretschmann, Robert Blanche and McIntire and Olandt.

TOTAL RECALL (1990 US) D: PAUL VERHOEVEN W/P: RONALD SHUSETT W: DAN O’BANNON/GARY GOLDMAN/JON POUILL P: BUZZ FETISHANS Arnold Schwarzenegger is a construction worker in the future who discovers he’s actually a spy working for Mars Intelligence, with an implanted fake memory. The plot (based on Philip K. Dick’s story We Can Remember It For You Wholesale) involves psychic mutant Martian rebels. Ronny Cox and Michael Ironside are villains. It’s not particularly good, but it is a watchable violent action FX movie. It cost a record (at the time) $70m, but it’s surprising how quickly some of the Oscar-winning FX (by Rob Bottin) have dated. It was originally more violent, but was cut for an R. With Sharon Stone (in Verhoeven’s BASIC INSTINCT), Rachel Ticotin, Marshal Bell, Ray Baker, Rosemary Dunsmore, Dean Norris, Robert Costanzo, Mickey Jones and Robert Picardo. This was almost made by David Cronenberg (and Bruce Beresford). 2012 saw a bland but watchable remake.

TOTAL RECALL 2070 (total recall zero) (1998 CAN GER US) D: AMRIO AZZOPARDI W/P: ART MONTERA STELLI Here are the first two episodes of a tv series spin-off from TOTAL RECALL. It borrows heavily from that and BLADE RUNNER (another adaptation of writings from the ahead-of-his-time Philip K. Dick). Michael Easton and his cyborg partner Karl Pruner are futuristic cops investigating the kidnapping of a psychic kid by cyborgs with human emotions that want to live longer. Nick Mancuso is the head of Rekall Inc. With Cyndy Preston, Thomas Kretschmann, Matthew Bennett, Kim Coates, Bill MacDonald, Vince Corazza, Scott Wickware, James Downing and Damir Andrews. It’s ok for tv sci-fi. Azzopardi made the more interesting BONE DADDY the same year.

TOTAL RECALL ZERO See: TOTAL RECALL 2070

TOTEM (demons night) (1999 US) D: “MARTIN TATE” (DAVID DeCOTEAU) W: BENJAMIN CARR/CHARLES BAND P: KIRK EDWARD HANSEN Six teens have the sudden urge to leave whatever they’re doing and run towards a wooden cabin in the woods. None of them knows each other or why they’re there. Some force prevents them leaving the area, with a very old graveyard at its centre. A stonecarved totem pole has gargoyle-like creatures that come to life, and the leads (who all swear a lot) try to kill one another. A historical flashback about Vikings (lifted from some old movie) fails to make any more sense out of any of this crap. Executive producer Band’s Full Moon presents another 60 mins or so slice of garbage to waste your time. There should be some kind of law.

TO THE DEVIL — A DAUGHTER (child of satan) (1975 UK W.GER) D: PETER SYKES W: CHRIS WICKING/ JOHN PEACOCK P: ROY SKEGGS Hammer’s final horror movie is a superior Dennis Wheatley adaptation and has a teenage Nastassja Kinski taking her kit off as an extra bonus! Christopher Lee is an ex-priest who wants Kinski to give birth to the Devil’s baby. Richard Widmark (good in a rare genre role) tries to save her. With Honor Blackman, Denholm Elliott, Michael Goodliffe, Eva Maria Meineke, Derek Francis and Sykes. A good way for the declining studio to bow out of the game.

TO THE LIMIT (1995 US) D/W: RAYMOND MARTINO W: WILLIAM STROUM W/P: JOEY TRAVOLTA A wedding massacre leaves gangster Joey Travolta in the hospital. More attempts are made on his life and star Anna Nicole Smith (who has sex and breast-fondling masturbation scenes) comes to him claiming to be some kind of secret agent with important information about some renegade CIA extortionist and killer. This awful PM release takes forever to set up the simplest scenes, and then you realise it’s because the script is toilet paper material. But I guess it’s better than Smith’s attempts at acting, not that the target audience care about her thespian skills. Add co-producer Branscombe Richmond’s haircut to the list of things you shouldn’t be subjected to. With David Proval, Michael Nouri, Kathy Shower, John Aprea, Rebecca Ferrati and Jon Martin. Travolta played the same character in DA VINCI’S WAR. Smith was also the star of the DIE HARD clone SKYSCRAPER. These were both also the work of Martino and PM (alleged) Entertainment.

TOUCH (1996 US) D/W: PAUL SCHRADER P: FIDA ATLIEH/LILA CAZES Skeet Ulrich is a small-town healer who performs miracles and starts to bleed from the same wounds as Jesus did on the cross (the stigmata). This interesting and very well done adaption of Elmore Leonard’s novel shows how various people try to exploit him. With Christopher Walken, Bridget Fonda (also in the year’s more famous Leonard adaption JACKIE BROWN), Tom Arnold (who’s excellent), Gina Gershon as a bitchy talk show host, Lolita Davidovich, Paul Mazursky, Anthony Zerbe, John Doe, L.L. Cool J., Conchata Ferrell, Janene Garofalo, Don Novello, Breckin Meyer, Brent Hinkley, Richard Schiff, Tamlyn Tomita, Richard Fancy and little Jacob Reynolds from GUMMO.

A TOUCH OF DEATH (quando alice ruppe lo specchio; when alice broke the mirror) (1988 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI P: ANTONIO LUCIDI/LUIGI NANNERINI This nutty gore comedy from Fulci has been overlooked. Brett Halsey stars as a widowed gambling addict who seduces and kills wealthy women to cover his debts. Within six mins of the film’s opening, a naked woman is chainsawed to death. He eats a chunk of her leg while watching a videotape of them having sex, and gives the rest of the meat to his pet cat and pigs. In a particularly funny scene, he beats a very hairy woman to death with a stick after his poisoning attempt fails. Then he melts her face in the oven and we get rigor mortis humour as he tries to dispose of her body. Things get confusing when Halsey has conversations with a prerecorded cassette (!??!) and another killer copies his crimes, but leaves clues for the police. Unfortunately things slow down after the first half and gets kinda dull, but it’s still an interesting rarity and a must for Fulci fans. In one scene a tramp is crushed under the wheels of a car to the extent that his guts are squeezed out. And yet he survives! Another puzzler is why does Halsey’s shadow disappear?! The end is pretty abrupt, too. With Al Cliver and Maurice Poli. Parts of this were used in THE CAT IN THE BRAIN.

TOUCH OF EVIL (1958 US) D/W: ORSON WELLES D: HARRY KELLER (uncredited) W: PAUL MONASH (uncredited) P: ALBERT ZUGSMITH After a famous long tracking shot that culminates in an exploding car at the Mexican border, honeymooning Mexican narc Charlton Heston (who’s about as non-Mexican as you can get) tags along on American detective Harry Quinlan’s investigation. Quinlan (Welles) is an obese, prejudiced, corrupt sleaze with a gammy leg who wages war against by-the-book Heston who uncovers a long history of anti-Mexican corruption. Heston’s wife (Janet Leigh) is threatened in a creepy motel by an overacting Dennis Weaver. Russell Metty’s b/w photography is great, but this is overlong (full 108 mins version), overrated and badly scripted (from Whit Masterson’s novel Badge of Evil). Keller added scenes for Universal after Welles was finished. With Mercedes McCambridge, Akim Tamiroff, Marlene Dietrich, Keenan Wynn, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Joseph Cotten, Joseph Calleia, Ray Collins, Joi Lansing, Harry Shannon, Gus Schilling and Dan White. Henry Mancini provides the score. It’s a shame that this is so highly regarded while Welles’ true masterpiece THE TRIAL remains criminally ignored by many.

THE TOUCH OF HER FLESH (the touch of her life; way out love) (1967 US) D/P: “JULIAN MARSH” (MICHAEL FINDLAY) P: “ANNA RIVA” (ROBERTA FINDLAY) A working man (Michael Findlay) returns home to find his wife with another man. He runs away confused and is hit by a car. Remaining anonymous, the bitter wheelchair-bound cripple goes to topless dance clubs and broods. His cane doubles as a pipe to blow darts at the strippers! He hires a hooker to get information as to the whereabouts of his unfaithful spouse and then stabs her. He finally menaces his wife at a remote sawmill. Solid slice of b/w exploitation from the Findlays, the king and queen of twisted sex flicks. And who’s behind that amazing “I got the right kind of lovin’” song that plays during the young black girl’s routine (and can be heard on many Something Weird release tapes)? Followed by THE CURSE OF HER FLESH and THE KISS OF HER FLESH (all recommended).

THE TOUCH OF HER LIFE See: THE TOUCH OF HER FLESH

A TOUCH OF LOVE See: WITCH FROM NEPAL

THE TOUCH OF SATAN (1970 US) D: “DON HENDERSON” (TOM LAUGHLIN) W: JAMES E. McLARTY P: GEORGE E. CAREY A young drifter meets a girl and stays at her parents’ farm for a few days. Her creepy old great-grandmother wanders about and attacks people. The old crone and the girl turn out to be witches, and there are a few other surprises not worth suffering through this awfully slow and uneventful rural witchcraft thriller for. With Robert Easton and Hal K. Dawson. One of a handful of obscurities that Laughlin directed between THE BORN LOSERS and BILLY JACK.

A TOUCH OF ZEN (hap lui; xia nu) (1971 TAI) D/W: KING HU P: YANG SHI CHING Hu is still a relatively unknown filmmaker to many despite his many influential classics. He’s most famous for DRAGON GATE INN and this nearly three-hour swordplay and martial arts epic, based on short stories by Pu Songling (his writings were also the basis for the CHINESE GHOST STORY series). The story is about political refuges hiding out from a security force in a haunted forest. The gripping way in which it’s told, combined with Yeh-Hsing Chow and Hui-Ying Hua’s wonderful photography make sure that this visually impressive landmark never drags. Hu also handled some of the editing. With Hsu Feng, Roy Chiao, Sit Hon, Pai Ying, Tin Peng, Cho Kin, Miu Tin, Sammo Hung, Lung Fei, Shan Mao, Kok Lee Yan, Lam Ching Ying, Billy Chan and Han Ying Cheh.

TOUGHER THAN LEATHER (1988 US) D/W: RICK RUBIN W: RIC MENELLO P: VINCENT GIORDANO/ RUSSELL SIMMONS Hip hop legends Run DMC (Darryl McDaniels and Joseph Simmons) got to play themselves in this pretty silly, instantly dated movie about music business corruption. The unconvincing plot involves murder and drugs, but at least you get to see The Beastie Boys make fools of themselves. Not good by any means, but I enjoyed watching it, and it can only get better with age. With Richard Edson, Lois Ayres, Slick Rick, Jason Mizell and the D/W/P team in acting turns (bar Giordano).

TOUGH GUY See: IRON MONKEY STRIKES BACK

THE TOUGH ONES See: ROME ARMED TO THE TEETH

TOURIST TRAP (1978 US) D/W: DAVID SCHMOELLER W/P: J. LARRY CARROLL P: LEONARD BAKER/ CHARLES BAND Tanya Roberts is one of a bunch of teens looking for their friend who went looking for a spare tire on a deserted patch of highway. They end up finding a beautiful pond, and eccentric Chuck Connors who shows them his closed-down museum with realistic mannequin models. Connors drifts off while talking about a dead wife and his successful brother and warns of danger. Meanwhile creepy mannequins seem to come to life, or people turn into mannequins and objects move by themselves. The surprise twists don’t really account for much of this, and it falls apart about halfway through. Shame, it could have been pretty scary. It was Schmoeller’s feature debut.

THE TOURNAMENT (chung taai kuen taan sang sei chin; zhong tai quan tan sheng si zhan) (1974 HK) D: WANG FENG W: WONG FOO GOON WA P: RAYMOND CHOW After their sister is kidnapped, Carter Wong and Angela Mao’s kung fu school takes part in a Thai boxing tournament for the prize money. The school loses and becomes a disgrace to the Chinese kung fu martial arts association (and their teacher commits suicide). Mao and Wong go to Bangkok to study Thai boxing and try to reinstate respect for their school (and pay off the blackmailers) by returning to the tournament. Action-packed gem has equal amounts of the more traditional cinematic kung fu and in-the-ring action in abundance. Exciting throughout and probably the best showcase Mao ever had. With Sammo Hung and Chan Chuen (who choreographed the action along with Kam Bo), Chiang Wan, Lee Kwan, Peter Chan Lung, Shut Ma Wa Lung, Zhu Mu, Tyen Biao, Linke Ming, Billy Chun, Ching Siu Ting, Alan Chui Chung San, Whang In Shik, Guan Shan, Wilson Tong, Yuen Hua, Got Heung Tin, Got Siu Bo, Chung Faat, Eric Tsang, Yuen Bun and director Feng.

THE TOWER (1992 US) D/W: RICHARD KLETTER W: JOHN RILEY P: MATTHEW RUSHTON Paul Reiser (who’s supposed to be funny and likeable) is a failed musician who gets a job at Intercorp, a hitech fully automated multistorey office building run by a rule-crazy security computer. The building tries to kill Reiser (and love interest co-worker) after too many security breaches in this minimal, cheap, silly nonsense designed to fill up endless cable tv hours. With Richard Gant (security guard), Roger Rees (the company president burnt to death in a sauna) and Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Bad Moon Rising as a plot device.

THE TOWERING INFERNO (1974 US) D: JOHN GUILLERMIN D/P: IRWIN ALLEN (uncredited) W: STERLING SILLIPHANT Richard Chamberlain cuts corners when it comes to circuit-breakers, so a luxurious new 138-storey office block/hotel (designed by Paul Newman) catches fire during its gala opening party. Steve McQueen co-stars as the fire chief, and there’s an endless roster of stars waiting to burn. Faye Dunaway, O.J. Simpson, Fred Astaire, William Holden, Robert Vaughn, Susan Blakely, Robert Wagner, Jennifer Jones, Don Gordon, Dabney Coleman, Ross Elliott, Olan Soule, George Wallace and John Crawford. Audience manipulation in this long (over two-and-a-half hours), expensive waste of time includes deaf children in danger. It won Oscars for editing, photography and Maureen McGovern’s horrible theme tune. Based on a book by Richard Martin Stern, Thomas N. Scortin and Frank M. Robinson, it’s notable only for the fact that both Warner Bros and 20th Century Fox invested.

TOWER OF DEATH See: GAME OF DEATH 2

TOWER OF EVIL (beyond the fog; horror on snape island; horror of snape island) (1971 UK) D/W: JIM O’CONNOLLY P: RICHARD GORDON A crazed hippy chick with a knife is the only survivor of a group of festival-goers who visited a remote island and ended up dead. Researchers go there to find out why, and discover hidden caves that may contain a golden historical treasure. In flashbacks we see Robin Askwith with an American-dubbed accent. Bryant Halliday stars, and there’s some colourful gore. It has the reputation of being laugh-a-minute, but this adaptation of a novel by George Baxt is more boring than anything else. With Jack Watson, Derek Fowlds and Marianne Stone. O’Connolly helmed THE VALLEY OF GWANGI.

TOWER OF TERROR See: IN THE DEVIL’S GARDEN

TOWER OF THE DEAD See: THE TERROR EXPERIMENT

THE TOWN (2010 US) D/W: BEN AFFLECK W: PETER CRAIG/AARON STOCKARD P: GRAHAM KING/BASIL IWANYK Affleck is part of an armoured robbery crew out of Charlestown working the banks of Boston. After one job he keeps an eye on manager and witness Rebecca Hall, and ends up falling for her. Jon Hamm is the FBI agent on his trail, Jeremy Renner is the wild card trigger-happy friend and Pete Postlethwaite is a mean Irish gangster and florist. Overall this is an above average heist flick, with great location work action scenes, and a fine cast with believable accents. But, whereas the Charlestown background stuff is interesting, sometimes the whole regional identity angle is laid on a bit thick, and parts are heavy-handed and lack pacing, humour and zest. In general I go for the director’s cut, and I saw the 150 mins extended version on the Blu-ray, but for reasons discussed above and poor continuity with this version (several lines of conversation are unnecessarily repeated), you might want to stick with the 125 mins theatrical cut. With Chris Cooper, Blake Lively and rapper Slaine (also in Affleck’s GONE BABY GONE).

TOWN CREEK See: BLOOD CREEK

THE TOXIC AVENGER (1984 US) D/P: MICHAEL HERZ D/W/P: “SAMUEL WEIL” (LLOYD KAUFMAN) W: JOE RITTER After reading Kaufman’s autobiography and history of Troma studios (All I Know About Filmmaking I Learned From The Toxic Avenger, which is a great read), I lamented that most of their output sucks, despite good intentions. However, this stupid (on purpose) New York (and New Jersey) gore comedy is kinda fun (at least for the first half before it wears you down; it has that very 80s nasty edge of THE NOSTRIL PICKER, for example). A particularly idiotic retard-acting Mark Torgl plays a wimpy gym janitor called Melvin, who falls into a vat of toxic waste after being bullied by hit-and-run jocks. He transforms into the muscle-bound crime-fighter The Toxic Avenger (latex-covered Mitch Cohen, with mop). He helps clean up crime in the corrupt, toxicwaste dump town of Tromaville. It was a major hit everywhere (especially in Japan where it is known as DOKU DOKU MONSTER) and has good laughs and slapstick gore. (Country singer) Andree Maranda is pretty sexy as Toxie’s blind girlfriend (she also sings on the soundtrack). With Pat Ryan (from STREET TRASH) as the bad guy mayor, Robert Prichard (THRILL KILL VIDEO CLUB) and Patrick Kilpatrick. Gary Scheinder is quite funny as Bozo. Marisa Tomei can be spotted as an extra. Jennifer Aspinall provided the ambitious FX. Richard Haines (director of CLASS OF NUKE ’EM HIGH, the next Troma hit) was the editor. A 2013 Japanese dvd rerelease (a supposed director’s cut at 91 mins) is ruined by having several (badly edited) montages of flashback footage (and results in you hearing Night On Bald Mountain almost as much as in those OLGA movies!).

THE TOXIC AVENGER PART 2 (1989 US) D/W/P: LLOYD KAUFMAN D/W: MICHAEL HERZ W: GAY PARTINGTON TERRY “Toxie” travels to Tokyo to find his father and must battle Satan, who heads Apocalypse Inc., a huge corporation planning to take over Tromaville. Toned down, there’s even more slapstick action, and this is a fun enough sequel that benefits from the Japanese locations. This and part three were filmed as one, and then later split into separate features. With Rikia Yasuoka, Michael Jai White, Tsutome Sekine and Go Nagai. A Japanese crew was used, and some of the staff wrote additional material.

THE TOXIC AVENGER PART 3: THE LAST TEMPTATION OF TOXIE (1988 US) D/W/P: LLOYD KAUFMAN D/P: MICHAEL HERZ W: GAY PARTINGTON TERRY Filmed at the same time as part two, this entry is tiresome overkill. “Toxie” wants to pay for his blind girlfriend’s eye operation, so signs a pact with a corporate devil in disguise and goes to work for Apocalypse Inc. He turns into a yuppie and neglects the people of Tromaville until a change of heart turns him into a hero again. It begins with a recap of events in the previous entries, and Toxie defending a video rental store’s right to sell Troma movies (their film posters are everywhere). This review refers to the gorier unrated cut, but I’m sure the R is just as draining and depressing. Tsutomu Sekine (all over the tv in Japan nowadays) is the only Japanese actor to return. With Joe Fleishaker, Michael Jai White and (apparently, I didn’t notice) Daphne Zuniga screaming in a video shop. CITIZEN TOXIE followed years later.

TOXIC SPAWN See: CONTAMINATION

TOXIC ZOMBIES See: BLOODEATERS

THE TOY FACTORY See: THE WITCHING

TOY REANIMATOR (gangu shuri sha) (2002 JPN) D/W: HAKUBUN W: ATSUKO SAGARA/NATSUO MATSUO P: AKIKO SASAKI/NAOKI HASHIMOTO Rena Tanaka relates the tale of a mysterious, never-seen toy repair man who apparently brought her little baby brother back to life after an accident when they were children. A young man (Toshio Sugyo) who works in an antique toy shop listens. This 48 mins featurette based on a novel by Yasumi Kobayashi could have worked as a charming dark fantasy for kids, but somehow it just doesn’t. Famous voice artist Akihiro Miura can be heard. It was backed by Team Okuyama Productions (RAMPO).

TOY SOLDIERS (1991 US) D/W: DANIEL PETRIE JR. W: DAVID KOEPP P: JACK E. FRIEDMAN/PATRICIA S. HERSKOVIC/WAYNE S. WILLIAMS South American terrorists take over a private school for boys and hold the pupils and teachers hostage unless the US Government release leader Andrew Divoff’s father from prison. Wil Wheaton, Sean Astin and others are unruly students who try to help the FBI and army on the outside. This ok action flick sounds exactly like an earlier 1983 movie of the same name, but is officially based on a book by William P. Kennedy. With Lou Gosset Jr., Denholm Elliott, R. Lee Ermey, Jerry Orbach, Joe Inscoe and Rick Warner.

TOZU (1993 JPN) D: YOSHIA YAMAGUCHI W: HITOSHI MATSUMOTO/MITSU YOSHITAKASU P: HIROSHI OSAKI This strange black comedy tape (that clocks in at about 50 mins) is the brainchild of popular Japanese comedian Hitoshi Matsumoto. Fishermen are seen catching little humanoid-look bodies in the sea. The scalps are removed and sold at convenience stores and stalls throughout Osaka. People find the hair a great delicacy! This peculiar custom is grafted onto a regular slice-of-life tv drama. The results are often very funny, and this is a good example of why people consider Matsumoto to be a comedy genius. He stars along with fellow comedians Koji Imada and Itsuji Itawo.

TRACKED (usugesho) (1985 JPN) D: HIDEO GOSHA W: MOTOMO FURUTA P: YOSHIO TOKUDA/YASU TAKAHASHI I think this adaptation of Bo Nishimura’s novel is set in the 1930s. Ken Ogata stars as a womanising construction worker and immoral “snake” who moves from town to town leaving a trail of bodies buried underneath houses. He also attempts suicide, blows up a house (and maybe a mine shaft), steals compensation money meant for grieving widows, and escapes from prison. Takuzo Kawatani is a detective on his trail. With Naoto Takenaka, Nenji Kobayashi, Atsuko Asano, Nagare Hagiwara, Kin Sugai, Junko Miyashita, Kon Omura, Iyo Matsumoto and Shingo Yanagisawa. Gosha is known for his samurai classics like GOYOKIN and HITOKIRI. Like a lot of his films, this takes its own sweet time telling the story, so is not for impatient viewers. It’s very good, but if you’re short on time and want to see the ultimate Ogata-as-killer classic, check out VENGEANCE IS MINE.

TRACKERS See: SPACE RAGE

TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST (1976 US) D: RICHARD ASHE W: WILLIAM FINGER/CHARLES SINCLAIR P: RALPH T. DESIDERIO A meteor fragment turns a mineralogist into a reptilian monster. What can I say that’ll convince you to stay away from this snooze fest? A real bore with an utterly undeserved reputation of being a good laugh. I didn’t laugh once, but I almost cried when it didn’t seem to end. Rick Baker designed the not bad monster suit (with Joe Blasco inside). A terrible folk band play as well just to make the experience more unpleasurable.

TRACKS (1976 US) D/W: HENRY JAGLOM P: HOWARD ZUCKER/IRVING COHEN/TED SHAPIRO/BERT SCHNEIDER Dennis Hopper goes slowly insane as he escorts a coffin containing his dead friend from ’nam cross-country by train. Difficult to convey on paper, this underrated, disturbing gem is way more effective than ten Oliver Stone movies. With Dean Stockwell, Sally Kirkland and James Frawley.

TRAFFIC (2000 US GER) D: STEVEN SODERBERGH W: SIMON MOORE/STEPHEN GAGHAN P: ED ZWICK/ MARSHALL HERSKOVITZ/LAURA BICKFORD This critical and commercial hit based on a British C4 tv series (written by Moore) has Michael Douglas as a politician assigned to lead the war on drugs in North America. Meanwhile his daughter Erika Christensen is becoming a crack whore. Benicio Del Toro is a cop in corrupt Tijuana who gets involved in the drug trafficking war, and Catherine Zeta-Jones tries to survive after her drug lord husband is banged up. Don Cheadle and Luis Guzman are more than just comic relief surveillance cops. The combination of amazing sepia tone photography, first-class editing, good storytelling, fine acting and a real effective soundtrack results in a highly enjoyable and rewarding two-hour plus movie. With Miguel Ferrer, James Brolin, Albert Finney, Amy Irving, Dennis Quaid, Jacob Vargas, Tomas Milian, James Lew, Carl Ciarfalio, Majandra Delfino, Stacey Travis, D.W. Moffett, Steven Bauer, Clifton Collins Jr. James Pickens Jr., Peter Riegert, Thoma Rosales Jr., Mary Pat Gleason, Benjamin Bratt and Salma Hayek.

THE TRAGEDY OF MACBETH See: MACBETH

TRAILER PARK OF TERROR (terror park; zombie park) (2007 US) D: STEVEN GOLDMANN W: TIMOTHY DOLAN P: JONATHAN BOGNER In the intro to this bad-taste gore comedy homage to the classic TWO THOUSAND MANIACS!, the Devil (country music star Trace Adkins) hands reluctant, fed-up whore Nichole Hiltz a handgun, which she uses to massacre all the mean rednecks at her trailer park home before torching the place (and herself). Years later and a bus load of delinquent teens and their (pastor) counsellor seek refuge during a storm and find zombie-like ghosts (including an electric guitarist, an Asian masseuse, a fat cannibal woman, amateur porno makers etc.) led by bitter ghoul Hiltz. Gore in itself is no longer notable, and the carnage here is neither witty nor inventive. The tone is more depressing and mean than blackly comic, and overall it’s nowhere near the fun of MANIACS (even the remake of that was better). Tracey Walter has very little to do. With Priscilla Barnes, Ryan Carnes, J.P. Manoux and Lew Temple. Based on a comic book series, the director used to make music videos.

TRAIL OF BLOOD (mushukunin mikogami no jokichi: kiba wa heki retsu ita) (1972 JPN) D: KAZUO IKEHIRO W: YOSHIHIRO ISHIMATSU P: KIKUMURA OKUDA Jokichi (Yoshio Harda) runs away from Utsunomiya with a new wife in tow, an innkeeper whom various bad guys had been fighting over. The former fighter is now a poor but talented craftsman (with a son), trying to live a simple life. But when business takes him back to Utsunomiya, he finds that many still bear a grudge against him. He takes the punishment (two of his fingers are smashed beyond repair) so as not to cause trouble, but upon his return home, wife and child have been defiled and murdered. Time for revenge, with the aid of a metal claw on each finger of his mangled hand. This excellent swordplay movie is notable for portraying the legendary (unseen) Kunisada Chuji (kind of the Robin Hood of Japanese folklore) in a very negative light. Based on a novel by Sayo Sasagawa, it led to a trilogy. FEARLESS AVENGER (1972) and SLAUGHTER IN THE SNOW (1973) followed. With Katsuo Nakamura, Ryunosuke Minegishi, Etsuko Ichihara, Asao Uchida, Toru Abe, Taketoshi Naito, Takeshi Kato, Kai Ato and Atsuo Nakamura.

THE TRAIN (1964 US FRA ITL) D: JOHN FRANKENHEIMER W: FRANKLIN COEN/FRANK DAVIS/WALTER BERNSTEIN P: JULES BRICKEN Paul Scofield is a Nazi officer who orders a trainload of priceless French paintings to be taken by rail to Germany at the end of the WWII. Star Burt Lancaster and other blue-collar railway workers who don’t really care about art try their best to sabotage the journey in time for the Allies to arrive and take over. Over twohour b/w adaptation of Rose Valland’s Le Front de L’art was originally started with Arthur Penn at the helm, but he was quickly replaced by Frankenheimer. It’s considered a classic of its kind, with real train wreck stunts. It’s pretty good, but overlong. With Jeanne Moreau, Suzanne Flon, Michel Simon, Wolfgang Preiss, Albert Remy, Charles Millot, Richard Munch, Jacques Marin, Paul Bonifas, Donald O’Brien, Jean-Pierre Zola, Arthur Brauss, Howard Vernon, Roger Lumont and Gerard Buhr.

THE TRAIN (1989) See: BEYOND THE DOOR 3

TRAINED TO KILL See: WHITE DOG

TRAINING DAY (2001 US) D: ANTOINE FUQUA W: DAVID AYER P: ROBERT F. NEWMYER/JEFFREY SILVER LAPD cop Ethan Hawke has to prove himself to unorthodox, hard-nosed streetwise narcotics division leader Denzel Washington (who overacts) over a period of 24 hours so he can get on his squad. This long (two-hour) thriller takes a look at the gritty, crimeridden underbelly of LA and major police corruption. It’s good, with Fuqua’s slick music video style complementing U-571 writer Ayer’s script, but don’t expect the masterpiece you may have heard it is. With Tom Berenger, Scott Glenn, Harris Yulin, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Raymond J. Barry, Cliff Curtis, Macy Gray, Eva Mendes, Nick Chinlund, Raymond Cruz, Samantha Becker, Terry Crews and an uncredited Peter Greene.

THE TRAITOROUS (shaolin traitorous; da tai jian; daai taai gaam) (1976 TAI) D: SUN TING MEI P: YUEN WU TUNG Chiang Yi is the evil royal guard eunuch who heads the corrupt Tien Law net set. They massacre a family falsely accused of treachery, so the surviving son is taken in by a kindly Shaolin monk and grows up to be kung fu-fighting Carter Wong (there are 18 bronzemen as well but we don’t really see much of them). The vengeful Wong faces off against Yi’s white-haired mantis disciple Sammo Hung (including pole vs nunchucks) until finally teaming up with net defector Polly Shang Kuan to defeat the eunuch net formation and Yi himself. Quality action entertainment suffers from truncated fight scenes (I wanted them all to be longer!), but is still a blast. Chan Chuan was the choreographer.

TRAITORS OF THE BLUE CASTLE (aya ushi date roku ju ni man goko) (1957 JPN) D: TATSUO YAMADA W: SHINTARO MUMURA P: MITSURU OKURA Kanjyuro Arashi is fine and memorable as a villainous majordomo whose political plots and conspiracies even extend to infanticide in this little-known but quite excellent period thriller from Shin-Toho, based on an obscure but compelling historical case from the late-1700s (the final third is like a courtroom drama, but with an extended sword fight added). With Juzaburo Akechi, Shoji Nakayama and stylised, kabuki-like action choreography.

TRAMPS (disaster; birds of passage) (2001 US) D/W: NEIL HOLLANDER W: REGINE MICHEL P: MANNY CHANCO/PATRICK MOINE Dull, depressing, unimaginative and unconvincing tale of illegal stowaways enduring hard labour aboard crooked captain Stacy Keach’s cargo ship. It was lensed in the Philippines.

THE TRAMPS IN THE PLANET WARS (planet wars; os trapalhoes na guerra dos planetas) (1978 BRZ) D/W: ADRIANO STUART P: RENATO ARAGAO Pedro Aguinaga, Renato Aragao, Carlos Kurt and Mussum are “The Tramps” (Os Trapalhoes), a Brazilian lowbrow comedy team that were in several features in the 70s. I haven’t seen any of the others they made, and after sitting (bewildered) through this surreal, wrong-headed STAR WARS spoof I’m not sure if I could take any more. It’s set in the desert as our bumbling heroic quartet help villagers fight a Darth Vader lookalike and his cronies from space. There’s lots of disco dancing, martial arts, blippy comic sound FX, a Skywalker clone, laser guns that freeze people, and the film is constantly put in slow motion or sped up, which is really disorientating. The aliens talk backwards sometimes and wait until you see the difficult-to-eat moving fruit. I wouldn’t recommend dropping acid for this one, it’s already too weird.

TRANCE (mobius; the eternal) (1998 US) D/W: MICHAEL ALMEREYDA P: MARK AMIN/DAVID L. BUSHELL/ ANDREW FIERBERG Allison Elliott and Jared Harris are a couple of American alcoholics who take their son to Ireland so he can meet her grandmother (Lois Smith). They stay with eccentric Uncle Bill (Christopher Walken) who keeps the unearthed body of a 2,000-year-old Druid witch in the basement. It comes to life and assumes the form of Elliott who has some kind of physical link with it. This stylish horror movie will not be to everyone’s taste, but it’s pretty interesting stuff from the director of the b/w indie vampire movie NADJA. With Rachel O’Rourke and Jason Miller. Harris seems to be copying Walken’s speech patterns sometimes.

TRANCERS (future cop) (1985 US) D/P: CHARLES BAND W: DANNY BILSON/PAUL DEMEO Tim Thomerson stars as Jack Deth, a detective from the future who must go back in time to 80s LA to stop an evil time-travelling villain (with psychic powers) who turns people into zombie-like trancers. This entertaining sci-fi/horror/action pic has a pretty good story and a likeable attitude (ex-stand up comic Thomerson plays it deadpan straight). Not to mention a time-slowing bullet and a zombie Santa Claus. With Helen Hunt, Art LaFleur, Anne Seymour, Richard Erdman and Richard Herd. Sequels followed.

TRANCERS II: THE RETURN OF JACK DETH (future cop 2) (1991 US) D/W/P: CHARLES BAND W: JACKSON BARR P: DAVID DeCOTEAU This less enjoyable sequel has Richard Lynch turning homeless people into trancers at his sanatorium. Tim Thomerson has to juggle two wives (Helen Hunt and Megan Ward) while trying to stop him. There’s lots of time travel talk in this Full Moon release, but notice we never leave modern-day LA. With Jeffrey Combs with a goatee, Martine Beswick, Art LaFleur, B.J. Davis, Albert Band, Barbara Crampton, a clip from CRASH AND BURN on tv and a ham bomb. Ted Nicolaou coedited. Ward fans should know that this is probably the cutest she’s ever looked. It continued… [Illus.]

TRANCERS III: DETH LIVES (trancers 2360; trancers 2010; future cop 3) (1992 US) D/W: C. COURTNEY JOYNER P: ALBERT BAND This one begins in 1992 when Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) is kidnapped by a fish monster and sent to LA 2352 to help track more crazed trancers. Thomerson is fun to watch and I guess this is an ok sequel for real fans of the series, but it’s not good. With Andrew Robinson, Helen Hunt, Megan Ward and Thomas Rosales Jr. From the director of LURKING FEAR. Executive producer Charles Band managed to get another three entries out of the concept.

TRANCERS 2010 See: TRANCERS III: DETH LIVES

TRANCERS 2036 See: TRANCERS III: DETH LIVES

TRANS AM 7000 See: SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT 2

TRANSFER See: SHUTTLE

TRANSIT See: THE FIRST POWER

TRANSMUTATIONS See: UNDERWORLD (1985)

THE TRANSPARENT MAN See: THE INVISIBLE MAN APPEARS

THE TRANSPARENT MAN VS. THE FLY MAN See: INVISIBLE MAN VS. FLY MAN

THE TRANSPORTER (2002 US FRA) D: LOUIS LETERRIER W: ROBERT MARK KAMEN W/P: LUC BESSON P: STEVE CHASMAN Jason Statham stars as an ex-serviceman with a very confused accent living in the South of France. He freelances as a wheelman and transporter of goods for criminals. He becomes a hunted man when he opens a package that contains Shu Qi (a Taiwanese sex symbol who’d been in many Hong Kong films prior to this). Matt Schulze and Ric Young (whose career goes back to the UK sci-fi oddity INVASION) are villains expecting a shipment of slaves in packing containers. François Berleand is a snoopy local cop. Pretty senseless and overstylish action flick has lots of stunts, gunfire and explosions and some (uninspired) Cory Yuen fight choreography. Terrible, even as mindless entertainment. Works best during the SM/perfect pet-light scenes of miniskirted Qi on a leash, but you could argue they belong in a different film. A deposit for the wank bank, though (did I say too much?). There were two sequels.

THE TRANSVESTITE See: GLEN OR GLENDA

TRANSYLVANIA 6-5000 (1985 US YUG) D/W: RUDY DE LUCA P: THOMAS H. BRODEK/MACE NEUFELD Tabloid reporters Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. are sent to Transylvania (which is depicted as a backwater full of idiots) to find Frankenstein. Instead they discover a conspiracy against cripples and people with disfigurements, and the mad doctor trying to cure them. Very silly, with Geena Davis (as a fake vampire), Joseph Bologna, Carol Kane, Jeffrey Jones, Norman Fell and De Luca. As well as the Frankenstein monster, there’s a mummy and a wolfman. The title was stolen from a 1963 Bugs Bunny cartoon.

THE TRAP See: COLLECTOR’S ITEM

TRAPPED (1949 US) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: EARL FELTON/GEORGE ZUCKERMAN P: BRYAN FOY The police let convict Lloyd Bridges think that he’s escaped them during transportation so he can lead them to cash counterfeiters Russ Conway and Barbara Payton. He’s forced to bring undercover agent John Hoyt in on the deal. Unremarkable but neat little b/w pro-Treasury Department programmer. With Robert Karnes, Fred Graham, Harry Antrim, Alden “Stephen” Chase, Ken Christy, Bert Conway, Clancy Cooper, Joe Haworth, Lyle Latell, Rory Mallinson, Tommy Noonan, Ruth Robinson, Douglas Spencer, Brick Sullivan and Frank Sully.

TRAPPED (1976) See: WOULD YOU KILL A CHILD?

TRAPPED (2001 US) D: DERAN SERAFIN W: MICHAEL VICKERMAN P: ANTHONY SANTA CROCE This thoroughly underwhelming tv disaster movie crosses TOWERING INFERNO with THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT as people inside a burning multistorey casino are filmed by cameraman William McNamara. The fact that Meat Loaf plays the no-nonsense man of action we’re supposed to root for will give you a good indication of how lousy this all is — unless your idea of a good time is watching dull, 2D characters bicker instead of looking for an escape route is fun. With Parker Stevenson, Callum Keith Rennie, Stefanie von Pfetten, Lina Teal, Katie Stuart, Martin Cummins, Roger R. Cross, Suki Kaiser and a dumb surprise ending.

TRAP THEM AND KILL THEM See: EMANUELLE AND THE LAST CANNIBALS

TRASH (1970 US) D/W: PAUL MORRISSEY P: ANDY WARHOL This even better follow up to FLESH has Joe Dallesandro as a junky hustler who lives with Holly Woodlawn (the Holly mentioned in Lou Reed’s Walk On The Wild Side) in a basement on NYC’s Lower East Side. This often very funny docudrama chronicles their attempts to get on welfare (“I was born on welfare and I’ll die on welfare”), and is one of Morrissey’s best. Look for Sissy Spacek as an extra. HEAT followed.

TRAUMA (1975) See: EXPOSÉ

TRAUMA (1978) See: RED RINGS OF FEAR

TRAUMA (1982) See: TERMINAL CHOICE

TRAUMA (1993 ITL US) D/W/P: DARIO ARGENTO W: T.E.D. KLEIN/FRANCO FERRINI/GIANNI ROMOLO Asia Argento (who has topless scenes) stars in her father’s first American (co-production) movie. A killer called “the head hunter” decapitates people with a special mechanical noose. A surreal scene involving a recently severed head and the killer’s MO flashback are highlights of this fun, exciting (and sometimes disturbing) horror movie hated by Argento fans. I think it’s one of his best, and Brad Dourif has a good part. With Frederic Forrest, James Russo and Piper Laurie. Tom Savini provides FX.

THE TREASURE OF ABBOT THOMAS (1974 UK) D: LAWRENCE GORDON CLARK W: JOHN BOWEN P: ROSEMARY HILL Another fine M.R. James adaptation from Clark and the BBC, as A Ghost Story For Christmas, in which a 19th century reverend and his young lord accomplice set about cracking a code that leads to the treasure of one Abbot Thomas, a 15th century alchemist burnt at the stake. But something is guarding it. Concise and creepy 30 or so mins. THE ASH TREE followed.

TREASURE OF THE MOON GODDESS (1988 US) D: JOSEPH LOUIS GARCIA AGRAZ W: ASHER BRAUNER/ ERIC WESTON P: GERALD GREEN A lecherous deadbeat (the always watchable Don Calfa) ogles his sexy new secretary in a bikini while dictating the story of how he and former singer/dancer client (Linnea Quigley) got trapped in South America looking for treasure. It’s a very bad, unfunny comedy adventure that began filming in 1984 (in Manila and Mexico). With Enrique Lucero and Brauner. You might recognise Weston’s name, he directed EVILSPEAK.

TREASURE OF THE PIRANHA See: KILLER FISH

TREKKIES (1997 US) D: ROGER NYGARD P: W. KEITH BORDER Denise Crosby (who was in THE NEXT GENERATION series) hosts this excellent documentary look at the world of STAR TREK fanatics and conventions. While not being downright anti-Trekkie it’s a great tape for non-TREK fans who can only look on in amazed disbelief at some of these people. The nutball woman (who insists on being called Commander at work) who believes she’s a member of the Starfleet Alliance and turned up for jury duty in her Trek outfit. A family of Trek fanatics with a themed dentist’s surgery. The obsessed “Spiner-Femmes” spokeswoman (a club for women who love Brent Spiner, Data on TNG). A how to learn Klingon class etc. It goes on and on. People who are interviewed (or just appear briefly) include James Doohan, DeForest Kelley, Walter Koenig, Michelle Nichols, William Shatner, George Takei, Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner, Majel Barrett-Roddenberry (Gene’s widow), LeVar Burton, Wil Wheaton, Terry Farrell, Chase Masterson, Kate Mulgrew, Buzz Aldrin, Robert Picardo, Linda Evans, Rick Overton and John De Lancie. TREKKIES 2 (2004) offered nothing new.

TREMORS (1990 US) D/W: RON UNDERWOOD W/P: S.S. WILSON/BRENT MADDOCK Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward star as comical hired hands who work in a small Southern valley town. Giant worm creatures (kinda like the ones in DUNE) with tentacles burrow under the ground and come up to eat people in this pretty entertaining old-fashioned monster movie (with more modern gore FX in places). It’s better than BLOOD BEACH, which had similar elements. With Michael Gross and Bibi Besch. Gale Anne Hurd was an executive producer.

TREMORS 2: AFTERSHOCKS (1995 US) D/W: S.S. WILSON W: BRENT MADDOCK P: NANCY ROBERTS/ CHRISTOPHER deFARIA Direct-to-video sequel to the surprise hit has Fred Ward returning to hunt more monster worms for money at a Mexican oil-field (it was actually filmed in California). There’s no Kevin Bacon, but Michael Gross returns with heavy artillery. I enjoyed the first half with Ward and his new sidekick dynamiting the graboids, but the second part unwisely has the creatures mutate into smaller, overground VFX creations. I understand they wanted to be different, but these new monsters are pretty boring. With Helen Shaver and busy Thomas Rosales Jr. Ron Underwood was one of the executive producers. The director also made TRANCERS 4.

TREMORS 3: BACK TO PERFECTION (2001 US) D/W: BRENT MADDOCK W/P: S.S. WILSON/NANCY ROBERTS/JOHN WHELPLEY The big deal this time is that graboid mutations can fly. But it’s not enough of a gimmick to make it worth the watch. Michael Gross returns, with Shawn Christian, Susan Chuang and Lorna Scott.

TREMORS 4: THE LEGEND BEGINS (2003 US) D/W: S.S. WILSON W: SCOTT BUCK/BRENT MADDOCK W/P: NANCY ROBERTS This prequel is set in the Old West. Michael Gross is a distinguished gentleman type who arrives in the town of Rejection to reopen a silver mine after several deaths sent most townsfolk packing. The small cast (including Billy Drago as a gunfighter) hunt the graboids. I can imagine kids might enjoy this, but it’s nothing much new for anyone else. There was a TREMORS cable tv series the same year.

TRESPASS (1992 US)(looters) D: WALTER HILL W: BOB GALE/ROBERT ZEMECKIS P: NEIL CANTON Bill Paxton and William Sadler are firemen who find a map to the whereabouts of stolen gold treasure. They go to an abandoned factory in East St. Louis to find it and witness a gangland killing. Ice T and Ice Cube are the leaders of the black gang who try to silence the white witnesses who’ve had to take T’s brother as a hostage. This hit action thriller is pretty exciting. With Tiny Lister, Art Evans, Glenn Plummer, John Toles-Bey and James Pickers Jr. Zemeckis was the executive producer of this topical TREASURE OF SIERRA MADRE revision.

T-REX See: THEODORE REX

TRIAD ELECTION See: ELECTION 2

THE TRIAL (le procès; il procesio der prozess) (1962 FRA ITL W.GER) D/W: ORSON WELLES P: ALEXANDER SALKIND Brilliant b/w extension of Franz Kafka’s short story is one of Welles’ best. Anthony Perkins is great as the defendant who’s not sure what exactly he’s accused of. With Romy Schneider, Jeanne Moreau, Elsa Martinelli, Akim Tamiroff, Arnoldo Foa, Jess Hahn, Billy Kearns, Madeleine Robinson, Maurice Teynak, Suzanne Flon, Raoul Delfosse, Fernard Ledoux and Welles. Unmissable stuff.

THE TRIAL OF FRANKENSTEIN See: THE GHOST OF FRANKENSTEIN

THE TRIALS OF HENRY KISSINGER (le procès de henry kissinger) (2002 US UK DEN FRA CAN AUST) D/P: EUGENE JARECKI W/P: ALEX GIBNY Eye-opening documentary based on Christopher Hitchens’ book/magazine articles that makes a case for former US National Security Advisor Dr. Henry A. Kissinger (a Jewish German) standing trial for war crimes stretching back to prolonging American involvement in Vietnam (and devastating Cambodia in the process), through to indirect support of the invasion of East Timor and the assassination of a Chilean elected President that led to the murderous regime of Augusto Pinochet. Sad to report that Hitchens has since teamed up with Kissinger on a pro-US involvement in Iraq (post- 9/11) stance (edit: and now he’s dead), but this very important doc should be seen by everybody. Brian Cox narrates.

TRIASSIC ATTACK (time panic) (2010 US) D: COLIN FERGUSON W: PETER MEYERS/RUSSELL J. FRIEDMAN P: JEFFERY BEACH/PHILLIP J. ROTH When unwanted corporate development threatens his town, Native American Raoul Trujillo performs a ritual which goes wrong, and reanimates a couple of dinosaur skeletons (one flies). The poor CGI beasts are among the most unthreatening in cinema. This laughable Syfy release is so shit, it’s almost worth seeing to believe. But not quite. It was shot in Bulgaria. Curiously, actor Ferguson has made the heroic sheriff (the Scottish Steven Brand) look exactly like Ferguson in the Eureka tv series. And former Miss Scotland Kirsty Mitchell plays his wife.

TRICK BABY (the double con) (1973 US) D/W: LARRY YUST W: A. NEUBERG/T. RAEWYN P: MARSHALL BACKLAR Laid-back and low-key adaptation of an Iceberg Slim novel stars Kiel Martin as White Folks, a “half-white” conman, part of a duo with older black Mel Stewart. After they trick an old geezer into paying big for some worthless fake diamonds, he dies of a heart attack. Hoodlum relatives want the duo dead, right in the middle of a real estate scam with a sizable pay-off. Set in a Philadelphia ghetto, this enjoyable crime yarn from the blaxploitation era is a worthwhile watch for fans of 70s flicks, but may lack bite for fans of the novel. Yust followed with a great, unusual horror flick, HOMEBODIES (1974).

TRICK OR TREAT (1986 US) D: CHARLES MARTIN SMITH W/P: MICHAEL S. MURPHY/JOEL SOISSON W: RHET TOPHAM/GLEN MORGAN/JAMES WONG An unpopular teen heavy metal fan backmasks a record to resurrect a Kiss-style ghost who kills people with electricity. With Gene Simmons, director Smith and Ozzy Osbourne as a tv preacher disgusted by heavy metal (the best part). Not bad, I guess.

TRICK ’R’ TREAT (2007 CAN US) D/W: MICHAEL DOUGHERTY P: BRYAN SINGER A collection of cartoonish, interconnected horror tales make up this anthology, the feature debut from a guy who previously wrote screenplays for Singer (whose production company was behind this). Some horror fans went overboard on the praise, but this is a fun, darkly comic and occasionally gross ride with many surprises. Nods to the likes of HALLOWEEN, THE THING, THE COMPANY OF WOLVES, EVIL DEAD II etc. are non-intrusive and in the right tongue-incheek spirit. I had a good time. With Dylan Baker, Anna Paquin, Brian Cox, Leslie Bibb, Tahmoh Penikett, Lauren Lee Smith and C. Ernst Harth. It has its origins in Dougherty’s animated short SEASON’S GREETINGS (1996).

THE TRIGGER EFFECT (1996 US) D/W: DAVID KOEPP P: MICHAEL GRILLO Kyle MacLachlan and Elisabeth Shue are a married couple with a child (living in LA, I think) and Dermot Mulroney is their friend. When a major electric cut hits the city, they try to get away to escape the lootings, violence and general fear and paranoia (also generated between the three of them). It’s inspired by a BBCTV programme called Connections. Michael Rooker has a memorable part in this pretty good mixture of STRAW DOGS and PANIC IN YEAR ZERO! that enjoys to fuck around with the audience’s preconceptions. The ending is kind of anticlimactic, though. With Bill Smitrovich, William Lucking, Carl Ciarfalio and Richard Schiff.

TRIGGER HAPPY See: MAD DOG TIME

TRILOGY OF TERROR (1975 US) D/P: DAN CURTIS W: WILLIAM F. NOLAN/RICHARD MATHESON Karen Black stars in all three parts of this horror anthology that was actually a failed tv pilot that’s developed quite the cult reputation over the years. A great horror anthology is rare, but this is enjoyable, more thanks to Black than the mediocre stories. It’s most famous for the final African Zuni doll sequence that even got released separately (as TERROR OF THE DOLL). If nothing else, it’s guaranteed to turn you into a Karen Black fan. With Robert Burton, George Gaynes, John Karlen and Gregory Harrison.

TRILOGY OF TERROR 2 (1996 US) D/W: DAN CURTIS W: WILLIAM F. NOLAN/RICHARD MATHESON/ HENRY KUTTNER P: JULIAN MARKS Lysette Anthony has the pleasure of starring in each episode of this very cheap, half-assed follow up anthology. In The Graveyard Rats, she plots with her lover to kill her wealthy, crippled husband. Pathetic rat monsters are seen. Bobby is a nonsensical version of the old Monkey’s Paw story via black magic. He Who Kills is an update of the killer doll episode in the original. Seeing a small, hairy ancient African warrior doll running around and screaming is still pretty funny, but not worth watching the movie for. With Geoffrey Lewis, Geraint Wyn Davies, Matt Clark, Richard Fitzpatrick, Gerry Quigley, Bruce McFee, Philip Williams, Peter Keleghan and DARK SHADOWS and KISS OF DEATH references.

TRINITY: GOOD GUYS, BAD GUYS See: SUPERSNOOPER

TRINITY IS STILL MY NAME (all the way trinity; …continuavana a chiamarlo trinita) (1971 ITL) D/W: “E.B. CLUCHER” (ENZO BARBONI) P: ITALO ZINGARELLI “Terence Hill” and “Bud Spencer” return as the brothers Trinity and Bambino in this just as fun sequel to THEY CALL ME TRINITY. In fact, it’s even better. They impersonate Federal agents and save a monastery mission from corruption. Funny, with good action, and thoroughly charming. With Harry Carey Jr., Enzo Fiermonte, France Ressel, Benito Stefanelli, Fortunato Arena, Gerard Landry, Luigi Bonos and Vittorio Fanfoni. TRINITY GOES EAST (without Hill and Spencer) followed in 1998.

THE TRIP (1967 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: JACK NICHOLSON P: FRANCES DOEL This landmark film looks decidedly dated today and never was outstanding, but it is an important piece of cinema history that’s real fun to watch (on acid). Peter Fonda is a tv commercial director (who has a pretty cool, very 60s pad) who takes LSD so he can get more in touch with his feelings (during a messy divorce procedure). Bruce Dern is on hand to guide him through the trip. Dennis Hopper is the dealer who turns up in the long, rambling pop art bad trip filled with the usual psych nonsense you’d expect (solarisation, naked painted bodies, fast editing, disembodied voices etc.) that would all turn up on MTV years later or used to sell products. The times surely have changed, but, that said, this has dated much better than some other 60s relics, and the surprisingly downbeat ending is effective. Nicholson had, of course, been associated with Corman and AIP for years and had written FLIGHT TO FURY for Monte Hellman. With Susan Strasberg, Barboura Morris, Luana Anders, Beach Dickerson, Dick Miller, Tom Signorelli, Angelo Rossitto and Peter Bogdanovich.

THE TRIPLE CROSS (itsuka giragirasuruhi; double cross) (1992 JPN) D: KINJI FUKASAKU W: SHOICHI MARUYAMA Not among Fukasaku’s best, the director’s last gangster picture is a solid if wholly conventional heist and double-cross action picture concerning a gang that rips off a hotel’s holiday weekend haul in transit, and then later scramble to get the money back from a young punk (Kazuya Kimura) who stabs them in the back. Keiko Oginome is the film’s weakest link as his grating sidekick/ Sonny Chiba’s treacherous young lover. With Kenichi Hagiwara, Renji Ishibashi, Yoshio Harada, Kirin Kiki, Yumi Takigawa and Nobuo Yana. Fukasaku made CREST OF BETRAYAL next.

TRIPLE IRONS See: THE NEW ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN

xXx (2002 US) D: ROB COHEN W: RICH WILKES P: NEAL H. MORITZ Executive producer Vin Diesel attempts to be a James Bond for the skateboard generation in this long (over two hours) and loud stunt-filled action adventure. The plot involves a Russian terrorist group led by Morton Csokas who have some new virus they want to try out. It was filmed in Austria, Prague, America and Polynesia. Asia Argento co-stars and Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t get to do much with a scarred face. With Richy Muller, Danny Trejo, Thomas Ian Griffith, Eve, Tony Hawk, Wilkes, Marek Vasut, Lori Jo Hendrix and Rammstein and Orbital. If you enjoy monging out stoned to PlayStation games for hours then you might enjoy, otherwise stay away. A sequel replaced Vin with Ice Cube.

A TRIP TO THE MOON (voyage to the moon; le voyage dans la lune) (1902 FRA) D/W/P: GEORGE Méliès The most well known silent era b/w short runs 13 mins and highlights master Méliès’ genius at utterly disregarding the logics of reality in favour of purely fantastic cinema imagery. A group of men climb inside a bullet-shaped rocket and are blasted into space by a cannon. They crash-land in the man in the moon’s eye. They don’t wear any spacesuits, but do carry umbrellas. They explore, are chased by skeletal aliens and return to Earth by simply pushing the rocket off the edge of the moon. Brilliant! Méliès (who based it on Jules Vernes’ De la Terre à la Lune) appears in the cast.

THE TRIUMPH OF SHERLOCK HOLMES (1935 UK) D: LESLIE S. HISCOTT W: CYRIL TWYFORD/H. FOWLER MEAR P: JULIUS HAGEN Arthur Wontner is Sherlock Holmes and Ian Fleming is Dr. Watson in the fourth of a series of five films (I have yet to see the first three). This story is based on The Valley of Fear and involves an American secret society and Prof. Moriarty (a very loud Lyn Harding). The stilted wooden acting only adds to the fun for vintage mystery fans. With Leslie Perrins and Ben Welden. Wontner, Fleming and Harding returned in SILVER BLAZE.

TRIUMPH OF THE WILL (triumph des willens; dokument vom reich sparteitag) (1934 GER) D/W/P: LENI RIEFENSTAHL W: WALTER RUTTMANN Female documentarian Riefenstahl got a lot of flack from people worldwide about her documentaries for the Nazi Party and was accused of being a major cog in their propaganda machine. Of course it’s easy for people to act holier than thou with the benefit of hindsight, and these people should be more willing to accept this influential b/w document of the 1934 Nuremberg trials as an important landmark in the history of cinema. Riefenstahl returned to Nuremberg the following year for her DAY OF FREEDOM.

TROG (1970 UK) D: FREDDIE FRANCIS W: ABEN KANDEL/JOHN GILLING/PETE BRYAN P: HERMAN COHEN Some potholers discover an underground troglodyte (a man wearing what is apparently a leftover Neanderthal/ape mask from 2001), and scientist Joan Crawford tries to teach it like a child. Michael Gough is amusingly obnoxious as a real estate developer who thinks it should be destroyed. At one point scientists conduct a confusing piece of surgery on Trog and somehow can see inside his memory (tinted stop-motion dinosaur footage from Irwin Allen’s THE ANIMAL WORLD (1955)). This extremely silly and often laughable mess (which was meant to have been made at Tigon initially) was the final feature role for Crawford. With Jack May, David Warbeck, Bernard Kay, Thorley Walters, Robert Hutton and producer Cohen.

TROLL (1985 US) D/W: JOHN CARL BUECHLER W: ED NAHA P: ALBERT BAND Michael Moriarty (as a character called Harry Potter, a record collector) moves his family into a new apartment, unaware that it’s a gateway to a fairy tale-like fantasy world. Tokor the troll (Phil Fondacaro in a monster suit) possesses his little girl, and has a magic ring that can turn people into vegetation. Shelley Hack is the wife, and guest stars include Sonny Bono, June and Anne Lockhart and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. This comedic fantasy has some of the right ingredients, but is quite poor. You know you’re in trouble when the most memorable scene is Moriarty lip-syncing and dancing about to Blue Cheer’s Summertime Blues cover. Shot in Italy for Empire (Charles Band was executive producer, Richard Band did the music). Albert and son Richard Band and Buechler have bit parts. It was FX maestro Buechler’s directorial debut proper (after directing a segment of THE DUNGEONMASTER). He made CELLAR DWELLER next.

TROLL 2 (1989 ITL) D/W: “DRAKE FLOYD” (CLAU DIO FRAGASSO) W: ROSSELLA DRUDI ASSOC P: “DAVID HILLS” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) A family go on vacation to the rural town of Nilbog (pop. 26). The little boy is in contact with his dead grandfather, but no one will believe him that the locals are goblins. They are, and try to get the family to eat vegetarian green foods that turn people into plants. It has something to do with Stonehenge. Awful in every respect, this oddity shot in Utah by clueless Italians is ok for a few laughs once, but I never would have expected the cult that sprang up around it upon my first viewing years ago (see BEST WORST MOVIE review for more). Not a favourite bad movie of mine, I can’t imagine watching it again and again. Laura Gemser (BLACK EMANUELLE) was the costume designer. It’s unrelated to TROLL. The awful TROLL III was aka CRAWLERS (1990).

THE TROLLENBERG TERROR (the crawling eye; creature from another world; the creeping eye; the flying eye) (1958 UK) D: QUENTIN LAWRENCE W: PETER KEY/JIMMY SANGSTER P: ROBERT S. BAKER/ MONTY BERMAN A cloud formation atop some Swedish mountains disguises an alien force that can reanimate dead men into zombies that kill. Some (never seen) decapitated bodies have also been discovered after climbers have gone too high. Forrest Tucker stars in this slow-moving, atmospheric b/w sci-fi horror based on an earlier tv series of the same name. The memorable pay-off ending has a seriously cool floating brain with one big eye and tentacles. With Janet Munro and Warren Mitchell.

TROMA’S WAR (1,000 ways to die) (1988 US) D/W/P: LLOYD KAUFMAN D/P: MICHAEL HERZ W: MITCHELL DANA/ERIC HATTLER/THOMAS MARTINEK A rock group, a heartless businessman, an arsehole ’nam vet, a British guy, a woman with a baby and a blind woman are the survivors of a plane crash on a small Caribbean island. They discover Russian and Cuban terrorists who are planning to invade the US. The typical overkill Troma idea of “entertainment” includes bloody gunshot wounds, minor gore, fart jokes, action, nudity, unfunny comedy and a sore-covered AIDS-infected villain who gleefully passes on his disease with rape! With Joe Fleishaker and an uncredited Scott Pastore as terrorists. Not much fun to watch, especially the 105 mins “director’s cut” to which this review refers. Kaufman and Co returned with TOXIC AVENGER sequels next.

TROMEO AND JULIET (1996 US) D/W/P: LLOYD KAUFMAN D/W: JAMES GUNN P: MICHAEL HERZ This very (typically) crude and overkill Troma update of Romeo and Juliet is filled with sex, violence and stupid comedy, plus some more gimmicky modern subculture touches. It does get away with it, though (it’s funnier than most Troma movies and the story tried and tested) and I can see why this appealed to critics and audiences outside the usual fan base. Will Keenan is Romeo, with Debbie Rochon, Joe Fleishaker and Lemmy in intro inserts. Gunn (who wrote the very funny THE SPECIALS) also makes an appearance.

TRON (1982 US) D/W: STEVEN LISBERGER W: BONNIE MacBIRD P: DONALD KUSHNER A notorious flop for Disney when it was new (although the arcade game tie-in was a hit), this early computeranimated cult feature (shot in 65mm) just gets better with age. The simple good vs evil plot about the digital personification of Jeff Bridges, Bruce Boxleitner and Cindy Morgan (as computer “programmes”) inside a computer world trying to get incriminating evidence on corporate villain David Warner is rendered in startling retro-futurist visuals (the Blu-ray really does it justice) that make it resemble a surrealist FLASH GORDON serial. The human faces in b/w are a nice touch. The music is by Wendy Carlos (A CLOCKWORK ORANGE), and look for Pac-Man. The much anticipated (and not bad) sequel TRON: LEGACY appeared in 2010 to become a much bigger hit than the original in its day, illustrating the newfound power of internet-fuelled nostalgia. There was also the animated Tron: Uprising tv series in 2012.

TROUBLE See: KIDNAPPED COED

TROUBLE EVERY DAY (gargoyle) (2001 FRA GER JPN) D/W: CLAIRE DENIS W: JEAN-POL FARGEAU P: GEORGES BENAYOUN/PHILIPPE LIEGOIS/JEANMICHEL RAY Newly-wed American couple Vincent Gallo and Tricia Vessey go to Paris for their honeymoon. There, the obviously disturbed Gallo searches for his ex-lover (Béatrice Dalle) and her medical scientist husband (Alex Descas). Descas keeps Dalle locked up because she has an insatiable urge to seduce men whom she fucks and eats. During one intense, shocking sex scene she chews a guy’s lips off. Gallo appears to have the same uncontrollable condition, and this kind of horror movie ends with a long unflinching rape and murder scene. Too slow-moving and arty for most exploitation fans, and pretty strong stuff for the arthouse, this unique hybrid tends to divide people. I think it’s fascinating, deliberately paced and pretty much a must-see. With Florence Loiret, José Garcia and Aurore Clement.

TROUBLE MAN (1972 US) D: IVAN DIXON W: JOHN D.F. BLACK P: JOEL D. FREEMAN Solid black action revenge thriller stars Robert Hooks as a communityconscious bail bondsman, pool hustler and one tough motherfucker who’s real mad after being set up for robbery and murder. Great action, cool characters and an original soundtrack by Marvin Gaye. With Paul Winfield, Ralph Waite, Paula Kelly, Julius W. Harris, John Crawford, Stack Pierce and Jeannie Bell. Dixon made THE SPOOK WHO SAT BY THE DOOR next.

THE TROUBLE WITH HARRY (1955 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: JOHN MICHAEL HAYES One of Hitchcock’s most charming is a very amusing black comedy that’s been endlessly copied over the years (like so much other Hitchcock). Jack Trevor Story’s novel has been wonderfully adapted by screenwriter Hayes, as a group of characters in a small, country community deal with a corpse found in a field. Edmund Gwenn thinks he shot the man, and artist John Forsythe helps him bury the body. Shirley MacLaine is the dead man’s wife, and Mildred Natwick thinks she might have killed him, too. Royal Dano is perfect as the deputy sheriff who must be avoided at all costs. With Jerry Mathers (from Leave It To Beaver) and the usual Hitchcock cameo.

TRUCKS (1997 CAN) D: CHRIS THOMSON W: BRIAN TAGGERT P: DEREK MAZUR If MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE was one of your favourite films of the 80s, you might enjoy this equally stupid horror based on the same Stephen King story. Trucks terrorise various characters in a Nevada diner/gas station. An industrial waste suit also kills with an axe, and in the silliest scene a toy truck smashes a postman’s head in. It’s more faithful to its source material than OVERDRIVE, but just as boring. Brenda Bakke stars, with Timothy Busfield, Jay Brazeau, Aidan Devine, Roman Podhora, Brendan Fletcher and Barbara Edwards.

TRUCK TURNER (black bullet) (1974 US) D: JONATHAN KAPLAN W: MICHAEL ALLIN/JERRY WILKES/OSCAR WILLIAMS P: FRED WEINTRAUB/ PAUL HELLER Isaac Hayes (who also provides the soundtrack) is bounty hunter Truck Turner who battles pimps and drug-dealers in this over-the-top, highly entertaining action pic, a highlight of the blaxploitation craze. Nichelle Nichols (from STAR TREK) is memorable as a whorehouse Madame, and the rest of the cast includes Yaphet Kotto, Scatman Crothers, Dick Miller, Matthew Beard and Annik Borel. Some critics endlessly drool about BATTLESHIP POTEMKIN or CITIZEN KANE, but does either of those feature an all-pimp funeral? TRUCK TURNER does. From AIP.

TRUE CONFESSIONS (1981 US) D: ULU GROSBARD W: JOAN DIDION P: IRWIN WINKLER/ROBERT CHARTOFF A feature-length flashback to the late-40s reveals an already economically divided Los Angeles, the haves represented by boorish tycoon land developer Charles Durning and his cronies, the have-nots by a murdered and mutilated prostitute (clearly modelled after the infamous Black Dahlia). Corrupt, seedy LAPD detective Robert Duvall (who is on top form)’s investigations lead him into conflict with Durning, and by association his own schmoozing radio star Monsignor brother (co-star Robert DeNiro, not a convincing man of the cloth). Based on John Gregory Dunne’s novel, this extremely well-acted character and mood piece unfolds casually without dynamism, with some cracking dialogue to keep you engaged, and then just peters out and ends with no surprises or revelations. Not at all bad, but unsatisfactory. With Burgess Meredith, Kenneth McMillan, Jeanette Nolan, Cyril Cusack, Dan Hedaya, James Hong, Richard Foronjy (from REPO MAN, funny in a brief bit-part) and Louisa Moritz as a hooker. Grosbard also directed STRAIGHT TIME.

THE TRUE GAME OF DEATH (a tribute to the master) (1981 HK) D: STEVE CHEN TIEN TAI W: CHEUNG TIEN WAI The whole fake Bruce Lee subgenre in martial arts is fascinating, it’s just a shame most of the movies suck. This ultra-confusing (to me anyway) mess has pretender Bruce Le (maybe) and a bunch of other jokers battling either for the best Bruce Lee imitator, or for who is actually the real Lee. I couldn’t quite get my head round it. I think Bruce Lee Siu Lung might be there, too, I’m not sure. But I can definitively say without a shadow of a doubt that it’s bad.

TRUE GORE (super junk) (1987 US) D: M. DIXON CAUSEY An on-screen narrator claims that this mondo tape has been banned in several countries, so disguises himself with optical solarisation. There’s a graphic autopsy, a look at cadavers, Jim Jones’ final sermon, sexual fetishes, animal cruelty, concentration camp footage, A-bomb victims, and the band Factrix mutilating a dead pig’s jaw with a dentist’s drill on-stage. With Monte Cazzazza credited as supervisor and music from The Atom Smashers, it’s clearly a highbrow offshoot of industrial/Sadean underground culture. Immediately dated in that respect (a lot of the music just sounds like primitive pop now), it’s not a bad addition for collectors of death footage tapes.

TRUE LIES (1994 US) D/WP: JAMES CAMERON P: STEPHANIE AUSTIN Cameron and Arnold Schwarzenegger try to top themselves again in this action comedy spy movie that rips off a French James Bond rip-off called LA TOTALE! (1991). Schwarzenegger is a computer salesman moonlighting as an international spy trying to stop Arab terrorists with nukes (led by Art Malik). Tom Arnold is his partner and Jamie Lee Curtis is his confused wife. With Tia Carrere, Bill Paxton, Charlton Heston and Eliza Dushku. It’s expensive, dumb, loud and overlong (at approx 140 mins) and nowhere near as good as the TERMINATOR movies. But I guess it was what people wanted, so it was a huge hit.

TRUE ROMANCE (1993 US) D: TONY SCOTT W: QUENTIN TARANTINO/ROGER AVARY P: BILL UNGER/ GARY BARBER/SAMUEL HADIDA/STEVE PERRY Tarantino’s scripts became hot property after RESERVOIR DOGS so this was taken away from William Lustig and made for more money. Christian Slater is a comic book and violent movie fan in Detroit who rescues hooker Patricia Arquette from her life as a streetwalker after killing her pimp Drexl (an unrecognisable Gary Oldman with dreadlocks). They go on the run with a bag full of coke and mobster Christopher Walken (and others) track them down. It’s a fun, well made, violent lovers-on-the-run movie with lots of references to other movies (THE KILLER, THE MACK, THE STREETFIGHTER and the fictional “Comin’ Home in a Bodybag”). Dennis Hopper is Slater’s dad (and has a good scene with Walken), Val Kilmer is Elvis (but you never see his face), with Brad Pitt, saul Rubinek, Christopher Penn, Michael Rapaport, Bronson Pinchot, Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Sizemore, Conchata Farrell, James Gondolfini, Vic Argo, Anna Levine, Paul Ben-Victor, Kevin Corrigan, Michael Beach, Ed Lauter and Jack Black was deleted (but is on the dvd). Don Edmunds (ILSA) was an executive producer. There’s a happy ending version and a not-so-happy ending version.

THE TRUMAN SHOW (1998 US) D: PETER WEIR W/P: ANDREW NICCOL P: SCOTT RUDIN/EDWARDS S. FELDMAN/ADAM SCHROEDER This surprisingly excellent (hit) movie may remind you of William Castle’s PROJECT X or THE PRISONER tv series, but is not derivative of either. Jim Carrey (in his best movie) is Truman Burbank, a guy who lives unknowingly in a giant tv studio (visible from space). The town he lives in is all created for the world’s viewing pleasure since his birth. It’s on an island and he’s been programmed with a fear of water so he can’t leave. Minor mishaps (like a studio light falling from the sky) all add up to him figuring it out. Fellow townsfolk (all actors) give product plugs on the air during their everyday lives. With Ed Harris (very good as the show’s creator), Laura Linney, Philip Baker Hall, Natascha McElhone, Holland Taylor, Peter Krause, Antoni Corone, Paul Giamatti, Harry Shearer, Una Damon, Philip Glass, Yuji Okumoto and Marc Macaulay. The Australian director started with THE CARS THAT ATE PARIS.

TSUIGOINERUWAIZEN See: ZIGEUNERWEISEN

TUBE (2003 S.KOR) D/W: BAEK WOON-HAK P: KUEN CHAN YING Some kind of criminal kingpin and his henchmen take a presidential candidate and innocent civilians hostage on a runaway underground train. A clichéd, unshaven, above-the-rules cop is out to stop them. Expensive for a Korean production, this hit action spectacular copies both THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE and DIE HARD, but is not as good as either. With Seok-hun Kim, Sang-min Park and Du-na Bae.

TUCKER AND DALE VS EVIL (2007 US CAN) D/W: ELI CRAIG W/P: MORGAN JURGENSON P: ALBERT KLYCHAK/ROSANNE MILIKEN/DEEPAK NAYAR Titular hicks Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine (he’s the lead) are in the Appalachian mountains fixing-up their “vacation home” (an old wooden shack). From the offset the misunderstood pair are taken for dangerous hillbilly psychos by some camping teens. When they rescue one girl (Katrina Bowden) from drowning, her judgemental friends think she’s been kidnapped, and try to get her back. Gory deaths abound as the stupid college kids accidentally mutilate themselves while attacking the clueless, oblivious “captors”. It’s a one-joke movie, and the joke doesn’t really stretch to feature length (and in this day and age, the splatter could have been on a grander scale. BRAINDEAD was a long time ago). Not entirely unlikeable, but don’t buy the hype (when finally released in 2010, easily pleased horror fans were all over it).

EL TUNCO MACLOVIO (1970 MEX) D: ALBERTO MARISCAL W: JOSÉ DELFOS P: OSCAR BROOKS Julio Aleman stars as Tunco Maclovio, a one-handed assassin who’s called into town to sort out some kind of dispute over land (I think). The plot is a lot more involved than usual, and what promises to be a cool, cynical anti-hero western soon develops into a more offbeat, melodramatic mix with Maclovio finding love and friendship in the form of a homeless orphan teen boy. There’s a laughable flashback to how Maclovio lost his hand, and an unexpected, downbeat ending. It’s different, but I wish it was more entertaining. With Carlos Agosti, Eduardo Alcaraz, Mario Almada, Eric de Castillo, José Angel Espinosa “Ferrusquilla”, Roberto Meyer, gory gunshot wounds and a soundtrack drenched in heavy reverb guitar. It was shot in Durango. I saw an awful quality English-dubbed print (with Greek subtitles), but there’s a Spanish dvd. I first read about this in an article about Mexican cinema written by director and spaghetti western enthusiast Alex Cox, which can be found in the book, Alex Cox: Film Anarchist.

THE TUNE (1992 US ANIMATED) D/W/P: BILL PLYMPTON W: MAUREEN McELHERON/P.C. VEY This excellent, imaginative musical was Plympton’s first animated feature after several great shorts (i.e. 25 WAYS TO GIVE UP SMOKING). A songwriter with a deadline and writer’s block finds himself in a strange land filled with music. Indescribable but essential.

TUNNEL (2000 US) D: DANIEL BALDWIN W/P: TONY JOHNSTON P: STEPHEN MAYNARD Diamond thieves led by Kim Coates take over a train and plant bombs in a sealed underground tunnel. Loose cannon cop Baldwin must stop them in this lousy action movie made to fill cable time. With Janine Theriault, Giuseppe Tancredi, Mark Camacho, Danny Blanco, Robin Wilcox Evans, Ellen Dubin, Edward Yankie and Karen Cliche. Fans of the least famous Baldwin brother will want to know he also directed FALL the same year. Others won’t.

TUNNELING THE CHANNEL (1907 FRA) D: GEORGES MÉLIÈS Don’t miss the chance to see this great, surprisingly elaborate b/w silent short about the building of an underwater tunnel between Britain and France. Ahead-of-its-time item becomes an early disaster movie when they strike water.

TUNNELS (criminal act) (1988 US) D/P: MARK BYERS W/P: DANIEL YOST Homeless bums are being crowded into old, former trading route tunnels beneath the city and killed. It’s the result of some real estate deal. Some briefly glimpsed (looking like Tiny Tim) rat monster is mentioned, but that angle is soon dropped. Adventurous newspaper reporter Catherine Bach wants the story despite protests from her boss (John Saxon). Parts of this story sound potentially intriguing, but believe me, this is really, really boring stuff. With Vic Tayback as an enthusiastic exterminator. The following year Yost helped write DRUGSTORE COWBOY!

TURBULENCE (1997 US) D: ROBERT BUTLER W: JONATHAN BRETT P: MARTIN RANSOHOFF/DAVID VALDES Devious and seemingly nice psycho Ray Liotta (who else?) manages to get loose on a passenger plane transporting him to death row at Christmas time. Lauren Holly is the surviving stewardess trying to land the thing while being stalked. This slasher/disaster movie is not very good and Liotta doesn’t have enough to do (he tries). But it’s also not as bad as critics claimed it was, and could pass your time adequately. With Brendan Gleason, Héctor Elizondo, Rachel Ticotin, Jeffrey De Munn, John Finn, Ben Cross, Catherine Hicks, J. Kenneth Campbell, Grand L. Bush and Scott Lawrence.

TURBULENCE 2: FEAR OF FLYING (1999 US) D: DAVID MACKAY W: ROB KERCHNER/BRENDAN BRODERICK/KEVIN BERNHARDT P: MIKE ELLIOTT Terrorists with a chemical weapon hijack a passenger plane with members of a fear-of-lying therapy group on-board. The terrorists are incompetent and hero Craig Sheffer knows too much about planes. With Jennifer Beals, Tom Berenger, Jeffrey Nordling, Jay Brazeau and Hiro Kanagawa. This and part three are unrelated, cheaper sequels.

TURBULENCE 3: HEAVY METAL (danger zone) (2000 CAN US UK) D: JORGE MONTESI W: WADE FERLY P: OGDEN GAVANSKI Marilyn Manson look-and soundalike Slade Craven holds his last concert on a passenger plane filled with fans (complete with stage to perform on). It’s broadcast via the internet and ratings skyrocket as an impostor who poses as Slade hijacks the plane and kills passengers. Apparently, there’s an unholy church in Kansas they must crash into and bombs go off at an airport. Rutger Hauer is a co-pilot, Joe Mantegna is an FBI agent, and FBI computer whiz Gabrielle Anwar and hacker Craig Sheffer help the real Slade by hacking into spy cams on the plane. A glamorous, bitchy MTV-style VJ covers the event. Stupid disaster movie seems to think you can do ANYTHING with computers, and despite having a different spin on things, just turns into another passenger-must-be-guided-through-the-landing-procedure cliché. With Hrothgar Mathews, Nathaniel DeVeaux and David Neale.

THE TURKISH E.T. See: BADI

TURKISH EXORCIST See: SEYTAN

TURKISH STAR WARS See: THE MAN WHO SAVES THE WORLD

THE TURKISH WIZARD OF OZ See: AYSECIK IN THE LAND OF THE MAGIC DWARFS

TURK 182! (1984 US) D: BOB CLARK W: JAMES GREGORY KINGSTON/DENIS HAMILL/JOHN HAMILL P: RENE DUPONT/TED FIELD Off-duty NYC fireman Robert Urich is badly injured saving a little kid from a blazing house, but can’t receive compensation because his vigilante off-duty heroics were done under the influence of alcohol. The bedridden, traumatised, suicidal Urich has a younger brother (Timothy Hutton) who tried to help, even going so far as to see the mayor (Robert Culp in fine form). When the mayor won’t give him the time of day, Hutton utilises a scandalous newspaper headline and spray-paints it all over city monuments, becoming a folk hero. He also uses non-graffiti forms of creative vandalism to make his point. Security officer Peter Boyle and cop Darren McGavin are on his trail in this implausible but infectious crowd-pleaser (that not many saw in theatres). Viewers not wanting to suspend disbelief will have a hard time as Hutton does incredible, complex, time-consuming and highly skilled things with what seems like no funding, preparation or research. Others should get into it, though, there are plenty of fun characters. With Kim Cattrall (memorable in Clark’s hit PORKY’S), James Tolkan, Dick O’Neill, Maury Chaykin, Robert Weil, Michael G. Hagerty, Jack McGee, porno star Barbara Dare, and Paul Sorvino and tv news anchormen Roger Grimsby, Bill Beutel and Tony Dunn as themselves.

THE TUXEDO (2002 US) D: KEVIN DONOVAN W: MICHAEL J. WINSLOW/MICHAEL LEESON/MATT MANFREDI/PHIL HAY P: ADAM SCHROEDER/JOHN H. WILLIAMS Cab driver Jackie Chan becomes a chauffeur for a wealthy, suave businessman with an English accent (Jason Isaacs). When his employer is assassinated, Chan vows to solve the murder and wears his prized tuxedo which turns out to be a hi-tech marvel that gives him superhuman strength, speed and agility. Jennifer Love Hewitt gives an annoying, one-note performance as his whiny sidekick as they try to stop the villain from releasing a bug that will turn all drinking water into a dangerous dehydration fluid. The wirework-heavy action is badly used, the comedy is not funny and none of the characters are interesting. With Debi Mazar, Peter Stormare, Daniel Kash, Boyd Banks, Scott Wickware, Colin Mochrie, Kim Roberts, Craig Eldridge, Marcia Bennett, Bob Balaban and James Brown.

12 HOURS OF TERROR See: THE LAST BLOOD

TWELVE MONKEYS (1995 US) D: TERRY GILLIAM W: DAVID and JANET PEOPLES P: CHARLES ROVEN Bruce Willis is a prisoner kept in a cage in the year 2035 when the remaining 1% population of the Earth have moved underground. He’s selected to go back in time to 1996 to discover the cause of Armageddon. He keeps being sent back to the wrong times, but eventually convinces Madeline Stowe of the truth while locked up in a mental asylum. Brad Pitt co-stars. Based on the structure of Chris Marker’s remarkable LA JETÉE, it’s very visual and, typical of Gilliam, a little overdone with nothing much left to get excited about really. Save more time and check out LA JETÉE instead. With Christopher Plummer, Jon Seda, David Morse, Bill Raymond, Irma St. Paule, Frank Gorshin, Christopher Meloni and Richard Stanley.

TWELVE WILD WOMEN See: MANKILLERS

28 DAYS LATER… (2002 UK NETH US) D: DANNY BOYLE W: ALEX GARLAND P: ANDREW MacDONALD After the mediocre adaption of Garland’s THE BEACH, Boyle helmed this impressive-looking but flat and sombre homage to DAY OF THE DEAD, DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS and THE OMEGA MAN, as a virus called Rage is transferred from an infected lab monkey to humans until London is a deserted wasteland and survivors battle hordes of zombies that puke blood (the only nice, original touch). Cillian Murphy stars as a confused hero, with Naomie Harris, Brendan Gleason, Christopher Eccleston and Ray Panthaki. 28 WEEKS LATER… (2007) was a much more enjoyable, visceral sequel from Juan Carlos Fresnadillo (INTACTO).

24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE (2001 UK FRA NETH) D: MICHAEL WINTERBOTTOM W: FRANK COTTRELL BOYCE P: ANDREW EATON Steve Coogan is a comedian famous for his Alan Partridge character, based on Factory Records founder Tony Wilson. Coogan got to play Wilson in this look at the legendary post-punk label out of Manchester. It begins with an inspirational Sex Pistols gig, proceeds to dispel myths surrounding Joy Division, and later seems to go out of its way to inflate the relatively good band The Happy Mondays into some kind of cuttingedge, groundbreaking musical force (which they weren’t). Told in an unusual and sometimes quite clever semi-documentary style, it’s still a story with very limited appeal for baggy Madchester fanatics only, I think. With Shirley Henderson, Paddy Considine, Danny Cunningham, Andy Serkis, Ralf Little, Lennie James, Keith Allen, John Simm, Rob Brydon, Enzo Cilenti, Ron Cook, Dave Gorman, Peter Kay, Paul Ryder, Mark E. Smith, John Thomson, Martin Hancock, Naomi Radcliffe, Howard Devoto (from Magazine), Simon Pegg, Margi Clarke, Clint Boon, Kieran O’Brien, Shaun Ryder, Christopher Eccleston and the real Tony Wilson.

20 MILLION MILES TO EARTH (1957 US) D: NATHAN JURAN W: BOB WILLIAMS/CHRISTOPHER KNOPF/CHARLOTTE KNIGHT/RAY HARRYHAUSEN (uncredited) P: CHARLES H. SCHNEER An American space-rocket returns from Venus, crash-landing off the coast of Sicily. William Hopper is the only astronaut who survives, along with an alien egg that hatches into a great Ray Harryhausen-animated stop-motion reptilian monster, the Ymir (never actually called that in the movie), that grows in size rapidly. By the end, it’s a huge beast that escapes a zoo in Rome, fights with an elephant, trashes a bridge over the Tiber and climbs the Colosseum. As was often the case, Harryhausen’s work is the saving grace that makes this sub-KING KONG potboiler worth a look. With Joan Taylor, Frank Puglia, Thomas Browne Henry, Arthur Space, Dale Van Sickel and Harryhausen (whose creations turned up again in Juran’s better THE 7TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD) feeding an elephant. Originally in b/w, Blu-ray discs offer a choice between this and an expertly done, sumptuous colourised version (supervised by Harryhausen, who had originally wanted to shoot in colour). Of all the extras on said disc, the 20-mins talk by David Schecter about unsung Columbia B picture composer Mischa Bakaleinikoff is the most interesting.

20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA (1916 US) D/W/P: STUART PATON P: CARL LAEMMLE Georges Méliès had already adapted Jules Verne’s LEAGUES for a short back in 1907 (and there was an American one in 1905), but this was the first feature version (b/w, silent). In fact it’s an amalgamation of both LEAGUES and The Mysterious Island, with a little original backstory stuff for Captain Nemo (director Allen Holubor) thrown in. After he shipwrecks the expedition looking for “the sea monster”, Nemo invites the survivors onto the Nautilus and in one scene takes them undersea hunting in diving helmets and special weighted metal shoes. Other Union Army soldiers make a balloon and end up on an island where sexy June Gail frolics in a leopard skin. This would all be essential ahead-of-its-time stuff for silent movie buffs, but it also has pioneering underwater photography made possible by brothers J. Ernest and George Williamson. In my favourite touch, they are introduced to the audience at the beginning of the film as they tip their hats, bow and smile! With Howard Crampton, Joseph W. Girard, Noble Johnson, Matt Moore and William Welsh.

20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA (1954 US) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: EARL FENTON P: WALT DISNEY By far the most famous version is from Disney. It’s a colourful and exciting adventure that ranks among the best films from the company. James Mason is the captain of the Nautilus, but Kirk Douglas is the hero. But the giant octopus is the real star of the show. With Peter Lorre, Paul Lukas, Ted de Corsia, Robert J. Wilke, Carleton Young, J.M. Kerrigan, Herb Vigran, Percy Helton, Fred Graham, Harry Harvey, Eddie Parker and Jack Pennick. There was an animated version from Jules Bass (MAD MONSTER PARTY) in 1973, and two tv versions in 1997. The Asylum couldn’t resist going 30,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA in 2007.

2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS (one eye force; anno 2020: I gladiatori del futuro) (1982 ITL) D: “KEVIN MANCUSO” (ARISTIDE MASSACCESI) W: ALEX CARVER D/W: “GEORGE EASTMAN” (LUIGI MONTEFIORE) Al Yamanouchi is one of a trio who fight evil Fascist-types that have enslaved a town in this so-so post-nuke western (it even has a tribe of Indians!). Sabrina Siani co-stars as the widowed single mother of heroic Al Cliver. With Donald O’Brien.

2020: THE NEW BARBARIANS See: ROME 2072: THE FIGHTER CENTURIONS

TWICE BITTEN See: VAMPIRE HOOKERS

TWILIGHT OF THE DEAD See: CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD

THE TWILIGHT PEOPLE (1972 PHIL) D/W/P: EDDIE ROMERO W: JEROME SMALL P: JOHN ASHLEY More Moreau-inspired mad doctor nonsense from Romero and Ashley (who, of course, stars). He’s held captive on an island where a certain Dr. Gordon is making mutants with the purpose of accelerating evolution. The makeup for the goat-man (he kicks), the bat-man (he can fly) etc. is uninspired and unconvincing. My favourite was the briefly glimpsed man with a boar’s head! Pam Grier hits a career low as the panther-woman. Ken Metcalfe is the antelope-man. With Eddie Garcia. Mostly boring.

TWILIGHT’S LAST GLEAMING (nuclear countdown) (1977 US W.GER) D: ROBERT ALDRICH W: RONALD M. COHEN/EDWARD HUEBSCH P: MERV ADELSON Burt Lancaster, Paul Winfield and Burt Young take over an ICBM missile silo and threaten to launch them if President Charles Durning doesn’t tell the American public the truth behind secret Vietnam War policies. This long (about 145 mins) political thriller is exciting and thought-provoking. Based on Walter Wager’s novel Viper 3, and set in “the future” (1981). Another Wager novel became TELEFON the same year. With Richard Widmark, Melvyn Douglas, Roscoe Lee Brown, Richard Jaeckel, Vera Miles, William Smith (shot early on), Ed Bishop, Joseph Cotten, Leif Erickson, William Marshall, Charles McGraw, Shane Rimmer, Bill Walker, Garrick Hagon, William Hootkins, John Ratzenberger, Mark Russell and splitscreen. Aldrich should be more well-known.

THE TWILIGHT ZONE: ROD SERLING’S LOST CLASSICS (1994 US) D: ROBERT MARKOWITZ W: ROD SERLING/RICHARD MATHESON P: S. BRYAN HICKOX Sterling’s widow found two of her husband’s unfilmed scripts (not actually intended for The Twilight Zone tv show) and they ended up as this lame two-part anthology hosted by James Earl Jones. Amy Irving sees her life projected onto a cinema screen in the short The Theatre, with Gary Cole. Patrick Bergin is a 19th century surgeon in the longer Where Dead Is Dead, with a sinister crippled Jack Palance, who has created a life serum. Even worse than the 80s revival tv series. With Peter McRobbie, Bill Bolender, Mark Joy and Joanne Pankow.

THE TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE (1983 US) D/W/P: JOHN LANDIS D/P: STEVEN SPIELBERG D: JOE DANTE/GEORGE MILLER W: GEORGE CLAYTON JOHNSON/RICHARD MATHESON/JOSH RAGAN P: JON DAVISON/MICHAEL FINNELL Three old Twilight Zone tv series episodes (and one new one) were remade for this ill-fated (and not very good) anthology. Landis’ original segment about racism became notorious when Vic Morrow (Jennifer Jason Leigh’s dad) and two kids were decapitated by helicopter blades after a stunt went wrong. Landis had to go to court on an involuntary manslaughter charge, but was acquitted after a long trial (there was more than one book written about it, and the footage later turned up on death footage tapes). As with the Morrow segment, the other episodes are nothing special. The opening intro with Albert Brooks and Dan Aykroyd is the only really good part. With Scatman Crothers, Kevin McCarthy, Dick Miller, John Lithgow, Donna Dixon, William Schallert, Kathleen Quinlan, John Larroquette, Norbert Weisser, Peter Brocco, Cherie Currie, Larry Cedar, Edward Franz and narration from Burgess Meredith.

TWIN DRAGONS (seung lung kooi; shuang long hui) (1991 HK) D/W: TSUI HARK D: RINGO LAM P: NG SEE YUEN This DOUBLE IMPACT copy has Jackie Chan stretching himself to play twins. One is a famous concert pianist and the other a streetwise car mechanic. Their paths meet and they fight gangsters. The finale takes place in a Mitsubishi car plant. It’s ok entertainment with some good action and particularly silly comedy (even for Chan) and is more enjoyable than the original Van Damme film, just don’t expect the best of Lam and Hark combined because you will be disappointed. Maggie Cheung and Nina Li Chi are the love interests. Because this was made to help finance the Hong Kong Directors’ Guild, there are loads of cameos (including Lam and Hark). With Sylvia Chang, David Chiang, John Woo, Wong Jing, Gordon Chan, Ching Siu Ting, Chor Yuen, Eric Tsang, Stephen Tung Wai, Clifton Ko, Joe Cheung, Lau Kar Wing, Yip Wing Cho, Jamie Luk, Johnny Cheung Wa, Ng See Yuen, Fung Hak On, Kirk Wong, Alfred Cheung, Johnny Wang Lung Wei, Philip Chan, Liu Chia Liang and David Wu Dai-Wai.

TWIN FALLS IDAHO (1999 US) D/W: MICHAEL POLISH W: MARK POLISH P: MARSHALL PERSINGER/ RENA RONSON/STEVEN J. WOLFE Real-life identical twins Mark and Michael Polish are Siamese twins befriended by hooker Michaele Hicks in this well made, interesting drama that hypocritically lays on the anti-exploitation of “freaks” angle a bit thick. But despite this, it’s worth a look. With William Katt, Lesley Ann Warren, Patrick Bauchau, Holly Woodlawn and Sasha Alexander. Might make an interesting double bill with CHAINED FOR LIFE.

TWINKLE TWINKLE KILLER KANE See: THE NINTH CONFIGURATION

TWINKLE TWINKLE LUCKY STARS (ha yat fook sing; jia ri fu xing) (1985 HK) D/P: SAMMO HUNG W: BARRY WONG P: LEONARD K.C. HO Another of the hugely successful LUCKY STARS films, with some of the best action in the series when one-onone face-offs include Sammo vs Richard Norton and Jackie Chan against Yasuaki Kurata. Eric Tsang has a particularly stupid voice in the English dub, Wu Ma is a witch doctor, and “Beardy” Leung Kar Yan can be spotted as one of the many star cameos exiting an elevator at the very end. With Stanley Fung, Sibelle Hu, Rosamud Kwan, Miu Ki Wai, Chung Faat, Billy Lau, Walter Tso Tat-Wah, Sandra Ng, Kara Hui, Anthony Chan, Melvin Wong, Dick Wei, Michelle Yeoh, Meng Hoi, David Chiang, Peter Yang Kwan, Nat Chan Pak Cheung, Tai Bo, Alfred Cheung, Chin Siu Ho, Jason Pai Piao, Lee Hoi Sang, Lau Kar Wing, James Tin Jun, Phillip Ko Fei, Wong Jing, Deannie Yip, Charlie Chin Chiang Lin, Philip Chan Yan-Kin and Lam Wai. Hung, Biao, Yuen Wah and Yam Ching Ying were the choreographers. “Twit, you wouldn’t know a horse’s bum”. LUCKY STARS GO PLACES followed.

TWINKY (lola; the statutory affair; the london affair) (1969 UK ITL) D: RICHARD DONNER W: NORMAN THADDEUS VANE P: CLIVE SHARP Susan George is a 16-year-old English schoolgirl (looking irresistible in her uniform) called Twinky (“dumb 998 and pretty like a schoolgirl should be”, according to Jim Dale’s theme tune!). Charles Bronson (who was 49 at the time) is her 39-year-old American lover who writes sexy novels (like Yellow Sin). Her parents disapprove so they elope to Scotland and move to New York, where they find they don’t have much in common. It’s not exactly Vladimir Nabokov, but this very 60s look at the Lolita complex is fun and lightweight, Bronson is great and George has never looked cuter. With Honor Blackman, Robert Morley, Jack Hawkins, Trevor Howard, Paul Ford, Lionel Jeffries and an uncredited Jill Ireland in a bit-part. There are time capsule camera and editing tricks. Screenwriter Vane later directed THE HORROR STAR.

TWIN PEAKS (1990 US) D/W/P: DAVID LYNCH W: MARK FROST P: DAVID J. LATT The pilot for the incredibly popular (for a while) tv series seems to be inspired by the 1957 obscurity THE GIRL IN BLACK STOCKINGS. Local authorities in the very American small-town of Twin Peaks discover teen Laura Palmer dead in a lake. Kyle MacLachlan is very likeable as the mysterious FBI agent called in to get to the bottom of the confusing crime. Very fucking unusual for network tv, this mixes disturbing drama, comedy and fantasy perfectly, and it stands up to viewing as a feature on its own. Sheryl Lee plays Laura and her cousin, with Ray Wise as her father, Michael Ontkean as the sheriff, Joan Chen, Piper Laurie, Grace Zabriskie, Everrett McGill, Russ Tamblyn, Jack Nance, Don S. Davis and Julee Cruise (who provided a haunting theme tune along with Angelo Badalamenti). Tourists would visit Snoqualmie, Washington (where this was filmed), until they became annoyed with the increasingly confusing and disjointed series (Frost and Lynch were executive producers) and it got cancelled. Lynch made WILD AT HEART next, before returning with a TWIN PEAKS prequel feature.

TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME (1992 US FRA) D/W: DAVID LYNCH W: ROBERT ENGELS P: GREGG FIENBERG I hope in time more people will realise what a masterpiece Lynch’s prequel to the much-publicised tv show is. We get to see the last days of Laura Palmer (Sheryl Lee), a coke addict prom queen who leads a much seedier life (due to family secrets) than anyone would expect. This much-hated flop (apart from Japan, where it screened first and was a big hit) contains very surreal scenes and is much more extreme than the tv show. It can easily stand up on its own as a superior, very disturbing horror soap opera which is so much more than I can explain. Just see it. With Moira Kelly, Kiefer Sutherland, Kyle MacLachlan, Chris Isaak, David Bowie, Lynch, Ray Wise, Grace Zabriskie, Miguel Ferrer, Pamela Gidley, Harry Dean Stanton, James Marshall, Mädchen Amick, Jürgen Prochnow, Julee Cruise, Heather Graham, Frances Bay and Calvin Lockhart. Actors deleted from the final cut include Joan Chen, Don S. Davis, David Patrick Kelley, Everett McGill, Jack Nance, Michael Ontkean and Russ Tamblyn. Lynch didn’t make another feature until LOST HIGHWAY.

TWINS (1981) See: PASSAGE OF THE DRAGON

TWINS OF DRACULA See: TWINS OF EVIL

TWINS OF EVIL (the evil twins; twins of dracula; the virgin vampires) (1971 UK) D: JOHN HOUGH W: TUDOR GATES P: HARRY FINE/MICHAEL STYLE This loose follow up to THE VAMPIRE LOVERS and LUST FOR A VAMPIRE is pretty much Hammer at its trashiest (which is far from trashy enough). (Dubbed) Playboy twins Mary and Madeleine Collinson (understandably) raise the interest of the decadent Count Karnstein. Their uncle (Peter Cushing on fine form) is a far from heroic puritan who wants to protect their chastity (even if it’s against their will). Karnstein is revealed to be a vampire, but this could easily have been a film about Satanists (and probably would have been more interesting). David Warbeck is the young hero. There’s a little sex and gore, but the oldfashioned Hammer really didn’t know how to go full out with these elements, so while I’m sure it made a few old codgers drop their fish and chips back in the day, there’s little to recommend it nowadays. With Dennis Price and Kathleen Byron. Harry Robertson’s score gets a bit spaghetti western at times. Shot on the same sets as VAMPIRE CIRCUS.

TWINS OF KUNG FU See: PASSAGE OF THE DRAGON

TWIN TOWN (1997 UK) D/W: KEVIN ALLEN W: PAUL DURDEN P: PETER McALEESE Real-life brothers Rhys Ifans and Llyr Evans play joyriding, drug abusing twins in Swansea, South Wales. When their family is killed, they seek revenge against coke-dealing corrupt coppers and wealthy villains. Non-Welsh viewers will find it a slightly above average black comedy with a few good laughs, while locals will appreciate the in-jokes and familiar tv drama faces. But it’s not an outstanding film to either party. With Dougray Scott, Dorien Thomas, William Thomas, Sue Roderick, David Hayman, Buddug Williams, Ronnie Williams, William Thomas, Durden and the director and his brother Keith Allen. Danny Boyle and Andrew MacDonald (TRAINSPOTTING) were executive producers.

TWIN WARRIORS See: THE TAI-CHI MASTER

TWIST CRAZE See: TEENAGE U.F.O. ROCK’N’ROLL MONSTER SHOW

TWISTED BRAIN (horror high) (1974 US) D: LARRY STOUFFER W: JAKE FOWLER P: TOM MOORE A high school science geek is forced to drink an experimental serum that he’s been injecting a lab mouse with by a mean janitor. This results in him becoming a superstrong killer, and the janitor soon ends up in a chemical vat. Others who wronged him (teachers, jocks) end up dead, too, and cop Austin Stoker (ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13) investigates. When a female English teacher gets her head removed with a paper cutter, an obvious beheaded mannequin is seen. This lowbudget shot-on-16mm cult favourite from Crown International is pretty amusing, and must have been great fun at the drive-in.

TWISTED NERVE (1968 UK) D/W: ROY BOULTING W: LEO MARKS/ROGER MARSHALL P: GEORGE W. GEORGE/FRANK GRANAT Controversial in its day, this Boulting Bros production (John Boulting was the executive producer) is pretty much forgotten nowadays. Hywell Bennett is surprisingly good as 21-yearold Martin, a spoilt, childish and unemployed troublemaker from a wealthy family who pretends to be the retarded, child-like Georgie when he gets into trouble. After his stepdad (Frank Finlay, who ends up dead) throws him out, he cons his way into a boarding house run by Billie Whitelaw, the mother of co-star Hayley Mills. Bennett has an infatuation with the nice Mills and uses his Georgie routine to get close to her. Meanwhile other characters end up dead at his hands. It turns out to have something to do with his older brother being retarded and a chromosome imbalance (hence controversy and opening disclaimer). It’s a pretty good psycho thriller with kitchen-sink drama touches, but overlong at nearly two hours. With Barry Foster, Phyllis Calvert, Salmaan Peerzada as the Indian who’s the butt of racist jokes but comes to the rescue at the end, Thorley Walters, Timothy West, Gretchen Franklin, Timothy Bateson, Basil Dignam, Marianne Stone and Russell Walters.

TWISTED THROATS See: INSANITY

TWISTER (1996 US) D: JAN DE BONT W/P: MICHAEL CRICHTON W: ANNE-MARIE MARTIN/JEFF NATHANSON (uncredited)/JOSS WHEDON (uncredited)/STEVEN ZAILLAN (uncredited) P: IAN BRYCE/KATHLEEN KENNEDY This near plotless blockbuster hit stars Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton as meteorologist tornado chasers putting themselves in extremely dangerous situations to test a new machine for studying tornadoes. The FX are impressively realistic, and despite boring stretches it’s an ok time-waster. There’s a reference to REPO MAN and a clip from THE SHINING. With Philip Seymour Hoffman, Alan Ruck, Cary Elwes, Jami Gertz, Scott Thomson, Jake Busey, Lois Smith, Sean Whalen, Jeremy Davies, Zach Grenier and Rusty Schwimmer.

A TWIST OF FAITH (body collector; beyond redemption) (1999 CAN US) D: CHRIS ANGEL W: RICHARD ZYWOTKIEWIZEC P: EVAN TAYLOR/JOHN A. CURTIS Andrew McCarthy is a traumatised cop searching for a religious killer who crucifies victims in yet another so-so SE7EN-inspired thriller. It was made for tv, so people say “friggin’”. With Michael Ironside, Matthew Laurance, Jayne Heitmeyer, L. Harvey Gold, Philip Granger and a plot device similar to the one in THE NEW YORK RIPPER (which itself influenced SE7EN, I think).

TWISTS OF TERROR (primal scream) (1996 CAN) D: DOUGLAS JACKSON W: JOHN SHIRLEY P: NICOLAS CLERMONT Here’s another one to add to the pile of useless horror anthologies. A paranoid Nick Mancuso introduces three very badly written tales. Jennifer Rubin and Carl Marotte are yuppies terrorised by backwoods types. Christopher Heyerdahl finds himself in a mental hospital where the patients have taken over. A single woman is desperate for male company. With Jayne Heitmeyer, Andrew Jackson and Jack Langedjik. Just terrible. Shirley co-wrote the hit THE CROW.

TWITCH OF THE DEATH NERVE See: A BAY OF BLOOD

TWO ASSASSINS IN THE DARKNESS (kung fu killers; kuai dao luan ma zhan; fai do luen lut cham) (1977 HK) D: TIN CHUNG W: WAI SAN P: CHAN MAN-SAM Chang Yi is an assassin hired to kill the “Six Gentlemen” one-by-one (something to do with the theft of a jade horse). Don Wong Tao is also hired to off the same fellows, and eventually Chang, too. After much intrigue, they team up for justice. This slow burning kung fu number (directed by the same guy as MAR’S VILLA, and choreographed by Gam (BUDO WING) Ming, who’s in it) eventually pays off for genre fans, as Chang and Don face off against a small army of fighters with grabbing metal hands on the end of ropes. With Doris Lung, Chan Pooi-Ling, Suen Yuet, Stephen Tung Wai, O Yau Man, Chen Chiu (director of 1978’s FEARLESS KUNG FU ELEMENT), Shan Mao, Yim Chung, Jimmy Lee, Au Lap-Bo and Wong Chi-Sang.

TWO CHAMPIONS OF DEATH See: TWO CHAMPIONS OF SHAOLIN

TWO CHAMPIONS OF SHAOLIN (two champions of death; shao lin yu wu dang; siu lam yue mi dong) (1980 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: MONA FONG Lo Meng and Chiang Sheng are patriotic anti-Qing Shaolin fighters who battle against those Manchu minions the Wu Tang Clan. Sun Chien and his knife-throwing sister Yeung Jing Jing are on their side. The bad guys include Wang Li, Cho Tat Wah, Chun Sui Hou, Candy Wen, Chu Tai Ping and, of course, sneaky Lu Feng. Very average Chang Cheh/ Shaw Bros entry is for “venoms” completists only who can’t miss any great fight choreography (by Lu Feng, Chiang Sheng and Phillip Kwok).

TWO CRIPPLED HEROES (crippled heroes; outcasts of kung fu; can que shuang xiong) (1982 TAI) D: JOSEPH SIU YIU The real thalidomide stars from THE CRIPPLED MASTERS return. The armless and legless duo look after a temporarily blind girl and fight against a corrupt, oppressive warlord. Sometimes wirework is used to make the legless guy fly through the air. The armless one throws knives with his feet. Their pet chimp is beaten to death. Another obscurity served up during the 80s on Ocean Shores video.

TWO EVIL EYES (master of horror; due occhi diabolici) (1990 ITL US) D/W: GEORGE A. ROMERO/DARIO ARGENTO W: FRANCO FERRINI/ PETER KOPER (uncredited) P: ACHILLE MANZOTTI Based on the stories of Edgar Allan Poe, this is more or less an update of two-thirds of Corman’s TALES OF TERROR. Romero directs The Facts In The Case Of Mr. Valdemar. Adrienne Barbeau and E.G. Marshall are lovers who use hypnosis to con her dying tycoon husband out of all his money. It’s not as terrible as you might have heard, but I guess people were expecting more than an above average Tales From The Crypt-style tv episode from Romero. Argento directs The Black Cat. This version of the oft-told tale is excellent and different. Harvey Keitel stars as a beret-wearing murder scene photographer (there’s some gore) who’s having trouble with his girlfriend and the title feline. I’m no fan of Argento’s, but I really enjoyed this segment. Overall, well worth seeing despite what you may have read elsewhere. With Tom Atkins, Martin Balsam, Kim Hunter, John Amos, Sally Kirkland, Tom Savini (also responsible for the excellent FX) and two other Romeros, Christine (Forrest) and Christina. Luigi Cozzi did second unit work on Argento’s segment. The Argentos (Dario and Claudio) were executive producers. There is a 90+ mins version around, but this review refers to the full two hours.

THE TWO FACES OF DR. JEKYLL (house of fright) (1960 UK) D: TERENCE FISHER W: WOLF MANKOVITZ P: MICHAEL CARRERAS/ANTHONY NELSON KEYS While being no forgotten classic, this Hammer adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic tale of the duality of man is one of the studio’s more underrated pictures. Paul Massie (who?) is very effective as an offbeat, clean-shaven, grinning thrillseeker Edward Hyde (but is less convincing as the bearded scientific hermit Dr. Jekyll). His ignored wife (Dawn Addams) is having an affair with womanising bad boy gambler Christopher Lee (seen in an opium den). Their love triangle is a unique addition to the tale, making it very different from other versions. With Oliver Reed (in the unfunny DR. HECKYL AND MR. HYPE, a shame, as he was perfect for the role, I think), Frank Atkinson and Walter Gotell. Lee was Jekyll & Hyde in I, MONSTER.

TWO FISTS AGAINST THE LAW (seung kwong; shuang la) (1980 HK) D: CHAN CHUEN This kung fu cops’n’robbers movie is just watchable for the most part with just enough action to stop you from switching off, that’s until Hwang Jang Lee (Silver Fox in THE SECRET RIVALS) turns up for revenge in a superb, exciting ending that features great fight choreography and a deadly spinning blade on a chain! With Melvin Wong, Chung Faat, Alan Chui Chung San and To Siu Ming. From the director of KUNG FU VS. YOGA.

TWO GUN MAN FROM HARLEM (1938 US) D/W/P: RICHARD C. KAHN P: ALFRED N. SACK Singing star Herb Jeffries has a dual role as a cowboy framed for murder in old West Harlem and his lookalike and real murderer, a crooked ex-preacher called The Deacon in this b/w all-black-cast western musical from Sack Amusements. Mantan Moreland is a comic relief cook. With Spencer Williams and Matthew “Stymie” Beard. The music is good and the comedy is funny in this fascinating rarity. Sequels were THE BRONZE BUCKAROO and HARLEM RIDES THE RANGE.

TWO HANDS (1999 AUSL) D/W: GREGOR JORDAN P: MARIAN MacGOWAN Heath Ledger is a struggling doorman who’s asked to deliver some cash for local underworld figure Bryan Brown. When the money goes missing before reaching its destination, Ledger finds himself a marked man. Nicely done thriller is way above average for its type with some nice touches and surprises, but beware if you’re going in expecting the crime masterpiece that some overzealous critics have labelled it. With Rose Byrne and Susie Porter.

200 MOTELS (frank zappa’s…) (1971 UK US) D/W: FRANK ZAPPA D: TONY PALMER P: JERRY GOOD/ HERB COHEN Even those who love Zappa’s music will probably find this plotless, rambling, hyperpretentious and insufferably “wacky” and irritating feature-length proto music video (actually shot-on-video and filled with dated solarisation FX) a chore to sit through. Zappa is seen and plays guitar, but never speaks or sings. The Mothers of Invention do, though, as does Jimmy Carl Black, and the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra play, too. The music is pretty different from the 200 Motels LP (as was the case with the later Uncle Meat). With Keith Moon as a nun, Ringo Starr as “Larry the dwarf” (a Zappa lookalike), Theodore Bikel and a dental hygiene animated segment. See also THE TRUE STORY OF 200 MOTELS.

TWO LANE BLACKTOP (1971 US) D: MONTE HELLMAN W: RUDY WURLITZER/WILL CORY/FLOYD MUTRUX (uncredited) P: MICHAEL S. LAUGHLIN Real-life musicians James Taylor and Dennis Wilson star as The Driver and The Mechanic, a pretty quiet pair who drive and race their ’55 Chevy across the Southwest. Laurie Bird is The Girl, a hitch-hiker who just climbs in the back of their car. They hook up with lying, chatty Warren Oates, a GTO driving drifter and challenge him to a cross-country race. Oates (who had been in Hellman’s THE SHOOTING) is brilliant in this unique box office flop road movie that has (deservedly) gained a cult following over the years. It ends with the film just burning in the projector. With Alan Vint, Jim Mitchum, Harry Dean Stanton and Wurlitzer. Mutrux made the underrated ALOHA, BOBBY AND ROSE.

TWO MINUTE WARNING (1976 US) D: LARRY PEERCE W: EDWARD HUME P: EDWARD S. FELDMAN Cop Charlton Heston and SWAT Commander John Cassavetes try to stop a sniper who’s been spotted hiding behind the scoreboard overlooking the LA Coliseum stadium during a big LA vs Baltimore football game. This decent thriller focuses on possible victims in the crowd. With Martin Balsam, Beau Bridges, David Janssen, Jack Klugman, Gena Rowlands, Walter Pidgeon, Brock Peters, Robert Ginty, Merv Griffin (as himself), Mitch Ryan, William Bryant, Dick Winslow, Tom Bower, Carmen Argenziano, Tom Baker (from ANGELS DIE HARD), Michael Gregory, Howard Cossell, Pamela Bellwood, Frank Gifford, Dick Emberg, Branscombe Richmond and future tits’n’guns director Andy Sidaris. An American tv version runs an extra 40 mins. Based on a novel by George La Fountaine Sr.

TWO MOON JUNCTION (1988 US) D/W: ZALMAN KING W: MACGREGOR DOUGLAS P: DONALD P. BORCHERS Sherilyn Fenn is a wealthy Alabama socialite who’s engaged to be married. She has a saxophone-led erotic affair with uncharismatic, long-haired, muscular carnival worker Richard Tyson. Fenn (with blonde hair) is topless a fair bit in this otherwise very dull and irritating movie. Hervé Villechaize appears as the mean, cigar-smoking carnival owner. With Louise Fletcher, Millie Perkins, Burt Ives, Milla Jovovich, Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, Juanita Moore and Dabbs Greer. The sequel was RETURN TO TWO MOON JUNCTION.

TWO MOON 2 See: RETURN TO TWO MOON JUNCTION

THE TWONKY (1953 US) D/W/P: ARCH OBOLER Hans Conreid’s wife leaves him at home with a new television set that she’s bought. It seems to be some kind of robot that can walk, and uses ray beams to light cigarettes, create money and other useful things. But it becomes a serious nuisance when it prevents him from drinking and listening to music, or reading books it disapproves of. Various characters who threaten the “twonky” in some way are zapped in the head, brainwashed and state “I have no complaints”. A very odd b/w comedy based on a good short story by Henry Kuttner (it was a radio/stereo in the original). Not always that funny, and a little heavy-handed, but unique and somewhat ahead of its time. I wonder if radio show pioneer Oboler (who made several strange movies) had a particular axe to grind with the new home medium? With Al Jarvis, William Phipps, Vic Perrin and Brick Sullivan. Sidney W. Pink was the associate producer.

TWO SMOKING BARRELS See: LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS

2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968 UK US) D/W/P: STANLEY KUBRICK W: ARTHUR C. CLARKE Genuinely stunning sci-fi monument was scripted side-byside with Clarke’s also essential (and quite different) novel (using his The Sentinel and other short stories as a starting point). After an ancient monolith is discovered on the moon, a couple of astronauts (Keir Dullea and Gary Lockwood) are sent on a mission to Jupiter, its determined place of origin. H.A.L. 9000 is their on-board computer that comes to see them as a threat to the success of the mission, and must be terminated. Remembered as a philosophical meditation on our place in the universe (true), don’t forget that it’s also a gripping, hypnotic thriller (in slo-mo). The script is loaded with fantastically ironic, banal exchanges (Leonard Rossiter is well-cast for this). But the ultimate irony, of course, is that a film created by the two squarest dudes in town became the must-see acid trip movie for hippies in theatres (the ending is most trippy). I recommend it with or without LSD. With Robert Beatty. Amazing FX work by Douglas Trumbull. 2010 followed years later.

2001 MANIACS (2004 US) D/W: TIM SULLIVAN W: CHRIS KOBIN P: BOAZ YAKIN/SCOTT SPIEGEL/ELI ROTH/CHRISTOPHER TUFFIN/BRETT HEMEROFF A remake of one of Herschell Gordon Lewis’ best (TWO THOUSAND MANIACS! from 40 years previous) seemed like a great idea, and I was looking forward to it. Despite the generic modern teen-appeal approach I was still optimistic when our protagonists (en route to Daytona Beach) take a detour to the former Confederate ghost town of Happy Valley, where old-fashioned locals led by Robert Englund give the young Yankees a welcome, while secretly eyeing them up as ingredients for a cannibal buffet (it was just gory deaths in the original). The major difference this time is that there’s a black guy and Asian woman couple (who have SM sex), something which is not only dwelt on without much imagination, but also symbolic of what’s all wrong with this forced, wannabe hip “modernisation” that already seems outdated, more so than the subversive original, which is in no danger of being eclipsed by this loud, irritating, desperate attempt at shock cinema. At least the ending (straight out of SHE DEVILS ON WHEELS, an overrated H.G. Lewis flick that could be improved upon with the right remake) was pretty cool. With Lin Shaye, Giuseppe Andrews, Matthew Carey, Peter Stormare, Bill McKinney, Roth and Spiegel, Johnny Legend, Christa Campbell and Travis Tritt. Apparently Kane Hodder can also be spotted. Scenes with David F. Friedman (who produced the original) were deleted. There was a sequel.

2001 YONGARY See: REPTILIAN

2069: A SEX ODYSSEY (sex charge; sex odyssey; space girls; strobtrupp venus) (1974 W.GER AUST) D: “HANS G. KEIL” (GEORGE TRESSLER) W: WILLI FRITSCH P: GUNTHER KOPF A UFO (a drawing) from Venus lands in the snowy countryside. The all-female crew (wearing too much glittery eye makeup) report to a topless woman on a screen. Their mission is to collect sperm from human men to replenish their planet. A special sucking machine they attach to their victims’ dicks is soon abandoned for more straightforward sex (“ooh, it’s galactic!”) with horny locals (who think the aliens are a French ski team). This pretty silly sex comedy, which has a funky organ and electronic bleeps on the soundtrack, is from the director of TEENAGE WOLFPACK (1956). With Franz Muxende and Raoul Retzer.

2010 (1984 US) D/W/P: PETER HYAMS The original 2001 was such a critical success that this follow up based on Arthur C. Clarke’s (who appears as “man on park bench”) novel was bound to be in its shadow. It’s actually not all that bad, but is missing the enigmatic and operatic visual elements of the first one, so is more a solid, occasionally dull and more feelgood space drama/thriller. John Lithgow and Bob Balaban are the American astronauts who back up Roy Scheider on a mission with Russians (including Helen Mirren) to the big monolith near Jupiter. Keir Dullea returns briefly as Dave, with Dana Elcar, James McEachin, Savely Kramarov, Jan Triska and the voice of Candice Bergman. Hyams also photographed.

2010: MOBY DICK (moby dick; battlefield abyss) (2010 US) D: TREY STOKES W: PAUL BALES P: DAVID MICHAEL LATT A modern update of Herman Melville’s landmark 1851 novel from The Asylum (who gave the world MEGA PIRANHA, among others)! One wonders what the great writer would have made of the huge, titular (poor) CGI beast that can perform such gravity-defying leaps out of the water, attacking helicopters and such? He would probably have fallen asleep in front of his tv, as you most assuredly will. Barry Bostwick seems to be taking his Captain Ahab very seriously. With Renee O’Connor.

2022: SPACE ODYSSEY See: ALIEN INTRUDER

2022 TSUNAMI (2009 THAI) D/W/EXEC P: TORANONG SRICHWA In 2022 (which looks just like 2009, except for a giant golden Buddha statue in the Bay of Bangkok), underwater volcanic activity results in the titular poor CGI disaster (a city floods as in THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, or if you like, DELUGE, way back when). A heroic PM (he saves a bus full of children) seems modelled after INDEPENDENCE DAY. An eco-message is rammed down our throats, but surely a utopian world with a minimum carbon footprint would still suffer from volcanoes and earthquakes? Stupid and mostly boring.

2002 (2001 HK) D/W: WILSON YIP W/P: VINCENT KOK TAK CHIN W: GWOK JI KIN/SZETO KAM JUEN The title refers to a ghost busting agency that uses a one-man/one-ghost partner policy. Nicholas Tse stars as the living cop who feels guilt at choosing only partners he knows will end up dead (its fate). Stephen Fung Tak Lun is one such partner. Very lightweight supernatural action movie with heavy doses of comedy and drama is easy enough to watch and fairly engaging, but also instantly forgettable. With Sam Lee, Lau Kar Ying, Rain Lo Cho Wah and Anya.

TWO THOUSAND MANIACS! (maniac 2000) (1964 US) D/W: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS P: DAVID F. FRIEDMAN After the groundbreaking BLOOD FEAST, gruesome twosome Lewis and Friedman cooked up this fun hillbilly gore classic. Six vacationing northern Yankees (including Thomas Wood aka William Kerwin, and Connie Mason) become unwitting guests at the centennial of southern ghost town Pleasant Valley. Mayor Jeffrey Allen (later in Lewis’ THIS STUFF’LL KILL YA!) leads the townsfolk (including theme tune masters The Pleasant Valley Boys, yeeh hah!) in inventive, gory acts of vengeance (my favourite being the “teetering rock”) to celebrate the end of the Civil War. COLOR ME BLOOD RED rounded out the “blood trilogy”. See also BRIGADOON (1954) for the inspiration behind TWO THOUSAND MANIACS! Remade as 2001 MANIACS.

TWO TOOTHLESS TIGERS (lat a liu foo; shuai ya lao hu) (1980 HK) D: RICKY LAU P: SAMMO HUNG Beware that for the most part this is not a kung fu movie. It’s a goofy treasure hunt comedy set in a restaurant and it’s not funny. Eventually villain Johnny Wang Lung Wei turns up for some Sammo Hung choreographed fights (Sammo also acts here). With Chung Faat and Yuen Shun-Yi. Sammo later produced Lau’s much more worthwhile MR. VAMPIRE.

TYCUS (1999 US) D: JOHN PUTCH W: MICHAEL and KEVIN GOETZ P: ASHOK AMRITRAJ/ANDREW STEVENS Peter Onorati is a tabloid journalist who discovers that scientist Dennis Hopper has developed an underground installation that will save a select few from an upcoming meteor shower and global catastrophe due to the moon being destroyed. Pretty half-assed action/conspiracy sci-fi. With Finola Hughes, Art LaFleur, Bert Remsen, Robert Romanus, Phil Hawn and Putch.

U-571 (2000 US FRA) D/W: JONATHAN MOSTOW W: SAM MONTGOMERY/DAVID AYER P: DINO and MARTHA DE LAURENTIIS I was surprised that this big-budget thriller about an American submarine crew ending up inside a German sub while trying to capture a decoding machine was really tense and exciting. The UK Prime Minister at the time (Tony Blair) complained that in real-life the crew were British. He should have concentrated on fixing the country’s fucked-up economy rather than moaning about little things, and then maybe Britain could also crank out quality, expensive B flicks like this. With Matthew McConaughey, Bill Paxton, Harvey Keitel, Jon Bon Jovi, David Keith, Thomas Kretschmann, Will Estes, Jake Weber, Erik Palladino, Matthew Settle, Robin Askwith (hooray!), Martin Glade and big Dino himself.

UFO TARGET EARTH (1974 US) D/W/P: MICHAEL A. DeGAETANO Very odd, talky, low-key regional obscurity has a young communications research scientist conducting his own investigation into the existence of UFOs. He’s aided by sceptical scientists and a confused psychic woman. The confusing ending at a lake in the woods with a mothership under the water includes physical transformation and visual FX that I’m sure tripping hippies at drive-ins enjoyed. During one scene, a boom mic is painfully visible. Nothing special (and probably boring) for most, it’s a worthwhile curio for fans of this once-upon-a-time type of truly independent American cinema, when determined (if misguided) filmmakers could see their (technically compromised) visions up on the bigscreen. We could do with more of that nowadays. Shot in Atlanta, Georgia.

THE UGLY (1997 NZ) D/W: SCOTT REYNOLDS P: JONATHAN DOWLING A female psychologist arrives at a remote mental asylum to interview a serial killer and determine if he’s mad or not. Flashbacks show how the traumatised sociopath from a broken home suffered childhood indignity and hears voices from “the ugly” in his head. Sometimes intense and effective, but relies too much on visual trickery and silly false scares to be truly successful.

U.H.F. (1989 US) D/W: JAY LEVEY W: AL YANKOVIC P: GENE KIRKWOOD/JOHN HYDE “Weird” Al Yankovic inherits a small tv station in this skit-based hit-and-miss spoof on cable and public access tv. Parts are funny. Chas Holloway wrote the amusing Conan the Librarian sketch. With Michael Richards, Anthony Geary, Emo Philips, Kevin McCarthy, Victoria Jackson, Billy Barty, David Proval, Lori Wagner, the kipper kids, Dr. Demento and the voice of Jim Rose.

THE ULTIMATE DEGENERATE (the degenerate) (1969 US) D/W/P: “JULIAN MARSH” (MICHAEL FINDLAY) P: “ANNA RIVA” (ROBERTA FINDLAY) A sexually deviant woman leaves her boring girlfriend behind in NYC (we see footage of Times Square and Coney Island) and heads for a house in Vermont. She joins a stable of women who put on weird sex shows for Spencer (Michael Findlay), an insane wheelchairbound pervert. They also dance and cover each other in whipped cream in the strobe-lit basement. This thankfully rediscovered b/w obscurity (photographed by Roberta) takes a turn into the twisted when Spencer starts electrocuting women’s vaginas, using nipple torture and red-hot pokers. A classic of its kind, with a great ending. With Uta Erickson.

ULTIMATE DESIRE (ecstasy) (1994 US) D/W: RODNEY McDONALD P: RICK CONRAD An ex-cop working for a perfume company investigates a string of murders involving the fragrance “Desire”. Could Martin Kemp be the killer? Who cares? With Deborah Shelton.

ULTIMATE GAME See: GAMER

THE ULTIMATE VAMPIRE (geung shut chi juen; jiang shi zhi zun) (1991 HK) D: ANDREW LAU An army of spirits, demons and hopping vampires walk the Earth when the gates of Hell open on July 15. Lam Ching Ying reprises his MR. VAMPIRE role yet again for another cash-in, but this one is pretty entertaining. There’s plenty of action, magic, some genuinely funny comedy (Lam must eat mouthfuls of mud to “speak ghost” to the Hell Police) and the “coffin mushroom”. Carrie Ng is a chaste, helpful ghost who falls in love with Lam, With Chin Siu Ho, Karel Wong and kung fu veteran Ku Feng, There are outtakes at the end. Director Lau later found great success with the YOUNG AND DANGEROUS series.

ULTRA FORCE 2 See: THE DEVIL HUNTERS

ULTRAMAN ZOFFY (ultra no senshu vs daikaiju gundan) (1984 JPN) D: KOIICHI TAKANO P: KIYOTAKA UGAWA/SUGURU TSUBARAYA Here’s a highly entertaining compilation tape of highlights from the many Ultraman tv appearances over the years. The opening credits run over a psychedelic background while Ultraman Zoffy (the eldest of the Ultra brothers) displays his fighting techniques in silhouette. Zoffy interrupts the monster wrestling action (complete with sports commentary) frequently to give speeches on the history of mankind’s battle with alien monsters. Some of my favourites are Barutan, Space Robot Kingjo, Crazygon the iron eater, Zambora the heat monster, Gigas the Yeti, Ragon (who looks a little like THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON) and Geronimon the Native American Indian monster!?! There’s also a look at silly, friendly monsters like Pigmon and the money-eating Kanegon (who was once a little boy who spent too much time saving money instead of studying). Most of it is in colour with the occasional early b/w footage.

ULYSSES AGAINST HERCULES (ulysses against the son of hercules; ulisse contro ercole; ulysses contre hercule) (1961 ITL FRA) D/W: MARIO CAIANO W: ANDRE TABET (uncredited) In this unusually plotted peplum, Herakles (Michael Lane in his only peplum) is ordered by the gods to capture Ulysses (Georges Marchel, also in his sole peplum) because he blinded Cyclops (not seen). Herakles calls Ulysses “a Greek hero who behaves like a girl”, but the two must team up to fight various foes, beginning with a tribe of green plumage bird people. Most of you could give it a miss, but Italian musclemen movie maniacs should find plenty to amuse. With Alessandro Panaro, Dominique Boschero, Gabriele Tinti, Raffaella Carra, Raf Baldassarre and Nando Angelini. It was the directorial debut for Caiano, a prototypical Italian hack of the era who dabbled in several fad genres. His other peplums are THE TERROR OF ROME AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES and GOLIATH AND THE REBEL SLAVE (which, like this, played on American tv as part of The Sons of Hercules series).

ULYSSES AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES See: ULYSSES AGAINST HERCULES

ULZANA’S RAID (wild apache) (1972 US) D: ROBERT ALDRICH W: ALAN SHARP P: BURT LANCASTER/ HAROLD HECHT/DARTER DE HAVEN Intelligent, involving and violent western stars Burt Lancaster and Bruce Davison as grizzled, experienced tracker and naïve young cavalry lieutenant on the trail of Apaches on a killing spree of protest. Jorge Luke is their native guide, with Richard Jaeckel, Lloyd Bochner, Otto Reichow, R.L. Armstrong, John McKee, Tony Epper and Richard Farnsworth. Lancaster had been an Apache in Aldrich’s earlier APACHE (1954).

U.M.A. See: LAKE PLACID

U.M.A. 2002: LAKE MONSTER See: THE CRATER LAKE MONSTER

UNBEATABLE DRAGON See: INVINCIBLE SHAOLIN

UNBEATEN 28 (wu dang er shu ba chi) (1980 TAI) D/W/P: JOSEPH KUO Typically quirky, offbeat and highly enjoyable kung fu outing from Kuo. Meng Fei stars this time, and he has to make his way through one of those cool Shaolin chambers with rock men, traps, a giggling (!) stone statue and more. With Jack Long, Mark Long, O Yau Man, Ma Cheung and great fight choreography by She Fu Tsai.

THE UNBELIEVABLE (2009 HK) D: CHAN TAT-NIN W: JACKY YUEN P: AMY LI Apt title for this preposterous big-screen spin-off from the long-running paranormal “documentary” tv magazine Kuai Dan, bringing you stuff that couldn’t be shown on tv. Master Szeto and eye candy Rachel Chan (who cries, pukes and has to go to the hospital) travel to Thailand with a crew of (an unspecified nature of) ambulance chasers, arriving at accident scenes hoping to film a “spirit”. The obviously faked scenes include uncovering a hanging suicide’s corpse, opening coffins (!) at a haunted mortuary for unclaimed bodies, a transexual performing a ritual involving a wooden phallus on a naked prostitute, and (my favourite) a woman possessed and puking up silkworms (then eaten by the exorcist). They also pop over to Malaysia for a séance in a cursed village. More real is a “shaman” (read circus geek!) mutilating a fish and a chicken to feed a “tamed ghost” (lizards, eels and frogs are also mistreated). Even less tasteful are the opening shots of mutilated victims of the 2006 South East Asian tsunami. No spirit is seen until the very end (kind of). Bogus, reprehensible post-BLAIR WITCH update of all those paranoid 70s and 80s HK movies in which neighbouring, poorer countries are a hotbed of gross, visceral evil and magic, I have to admit I enjoyed watching this crap!

THE UNBORN (the mother) (2003 THAI) D/W: BANDIT THONGDEE W: SONGSAK MONGKOL THONG/ MA-TA-NAM TEAM/NUTTIYA SIRAKORNWILAI P: PRACHYA PNKAEW/SUKANYA VONGSTHAPAT A pregnant junky is followed around by a ghost after she’s beaten and thrown in a river. She investigates the death of another woman and discovers a conspiracy involving a casino, an illegal abortion and some more surprises in this not bad horror flick.

THE UNBORN (undead) (2008 US) D/W DAVID S. GOYER P: MICHAEL BAY/ANDREW FORM/BRAD FULLER Could a demonic dybbuk, who can enter the world via twin babies, be after teen Odette Yustman? Yes, in fact, due to some ridiculous contrivances involving the Kabbalah and Nazi experiments in this really rather silly but quite entertaining slice of horror hokum that seems to have attracted an interesting cast. James Remar is barely in it as Odette’s dad, likewise Carla Gugino as her dead suicidal mom (via flashbacks). Gary Oldman is an unconvincing rabbi, and Idris Elba (from tv’s The Wire and Luther) is an exorcist. With Jane Alexander, Meagan Good, Cam Gigandet and C.S. Lee. Tosh, but you could do much, much worse.

THE UNBORN 2 (baby blood 2) (1994 US) D: RICK JACOBSON W: MARK EVAN SCHWARTZ/ DANIELA PERCELL/ROB KERCHNER P: MIKE ELLIOTT Michelle Greene tries to keep her psychic mutant baby a secret in the suburbs in this silly sequel (to an original I haven’t caught up with yet) that just about gets away with it as a time-waster. With Scott Valentine and Michael James McDonald. Roger Corman was the executive producer for this New Horizons release.

UNBREAKABLE (2000 US) D/W/P: M. NIGHT SHAYMALAN P: BARRY MENDEL/SAM MERCER After the hit THE SIXTH SENSE, Bruce Willis and Shaymalan returned with another overlong, potentially interesting story with a less than impressive, big “surprise” ending. Samuel L. Jackson is a very serious comic art collector with a rare genetic disorder that results in easy-to-break bones. He convinces Willis that he’s some kind of superhero because he survived a train wreck with no damage and he’s never been ill in his life. I like big-budget movies that try to treat comic book stuff seriously, but this is all talk and without much of a pay-off.

THE UNCANNY (1977 CAN UK) D: DENIS HEROUX W: MICHAEL PARRY P: CLAUDE HEROUX/RENE DUPONT Three stories in different time periods (and a wraparound featuring Peter Cushing and Ray Milland) all about malicious cats (!) make up this weak horror anthology. With Donald Pleasence, Samantha Eggar, Joan Greenwood, Roland Culver, Alexandra Stewart, John Vernon and Sean McCann. Nice cast, but cats are not scary (even en masse like in the ending). It’s from the anthology-obsessed Milton Subotsky.

UNCLE GODDAMN (the redneck torture tape; dale’s funniest videos) Apparently the Shelby family out of North Carolina documented their redneck lifestyle (dirt bike riding, going to wrestling matches), and in particular their incessant humiliation of their uncle (whose vocabulary consists of “gawd damn” pretty much) at some point during the 80s. The low-quality tapes aired on a public access series called Disinformation (which was subsequently banned from air). Someone collected them for a VHS compilation. I saw a more recent 40 mins dvd release, which is apparently missing some footage. But what is here is alternately fascinating, horrifying, boring and hilarious (I wish they hadn’t bothered with the annoying repeat editing of certain scenes). Their favourite trick to play on the slumbering, always drunk uncle (who has since passed away, probably much to his relief) is to set his crotch on fire with lighter fluid! Ho-ho! How about spray-painting his face silver? Hilarious! Wrapping his entire head in strong adhesive tape and then ripping it off! You wily scamps! A genuinely funny respite from this non-stop abuse is when we visit another intoxicated redneck called Pappy, insulting the members of the hardcore band Antiseen (!), who’ve sent him a teasing video message. This deranged lunatic doesn’t seem to understand it’s not a two-way conversation with the tv, and can’t seem to get his head around the concept of video rewind, and he gets worked up into a swearing tirade every time it’s replayed! Even scarier than GUMMO.

UNCLE SADDAM (2000 US) D/P: JOEL SOLER W: SCOTT THOMPSON French filmmaker Soler happened to be in Baghdad and surreptitiously filmed Saddam Hussein and became a temporary part of his entourage, interviewing various people pro and against the dictator while claiming to be compiling another bogus documentary. The footage was smuggled out of the country, Thompson wrote some comical narration, and the result is this 63 mins documentary (for which Soler has been sent death threats about, apparently). I really wish they would have dropped the comedy and pointed, satirical comments in favour of a more sober approach, but this is still an impressive achievement in terms of candid, informative footage (not that I accept it 100% without scepticism). I’m surprised that not more has been written about it.

UNCLE SAM (the scout) (1996 US) D: WILLIAM LUSTIG W: LARRY COHEN P: GEORGE G. BRAUNSTEIN Lustig’s final film as director to date is an above average cartoonish horror film inspired by the 1972 DEAD OF NIGHT. A small-town kid idolises his Desert Storm veteran uncle, Sam, recently confirmed as the victim of friendly fire. When the body arrives back in the US in a sealed casket, Sam (David “Shark” Fralick) returns to life, dresses as (iconic recruitment poster-style) Uncle Sam and kills at the Fourth of July celebrations. Isaac Hayes (who gets to paraphrase a monologue borrowed from Lustig and Cohen’s MANIAC COP) is a vet who helps the confused little boy eventually fight back against the family-abusing psycho “hero”. With Bo Hopkins, Robert Forster, Timothy Bottoms, P.J. Soles, Frank Pesce and (briefly) William Smith (who reads a poem over the end credits). It’s dedicated to Lucio (Fulci), hence the CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD final shot homage.

UNCLE TOM See: FAREWELL UNCLE TOM

THE UNDEAD (1956 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: CHARLES B. GRIFFITH/MARK HANNA Pamela Duncan is a prostitute who’s hypnotised by a psychiatrist. She regresses to her past medieval life where she was wrongly accused of being a witch. Sexy Allison Hayes (with an axe) is the real witch who transforms into a cat. Odd little b/w Corman quickie is one of those flicks that highly amuses you if you’re lucky enough to catch it on late-night tv. The great cast includes dwarf Billy Barty, Bruno VeSota, Dick Miller, Mel Welles and Paul Blaisdell as a corpse!

THE UNDEAD (1973) See: FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

UNDEAD (2008) See: THE UNBORN

THE UNDERDOG KNIGHT (yin hang) (2008 CHN) D/W DING SHENG W: LIU TAO P: WONG JING Lie Yu stars as a former PLA Navy submarine chief who’s developed severe brain damage after a drill accident. Now he’s a spear-wielding simpleton who beats up thugs and “evildoers” and follows military code (and befriends a deaf child, aaaahh!). Plot convolutions lead to him being used by a cunning but far from ruthless antique thief (Anthony Wong in a nicely understated performance) and his gang (including Ellen Chan). There’s some impressive (brief) action and it all ends in a hostage situation, but apart from style to burn (Ding Sheng used to make music videos or commercials or something) it’s sentimental tosh, easily forgettable. With Yu Rong-Guang, Sun Hong-Lei and Liu Yang. Shot in Beijing.

THE UNDERGROUND (crush heat) (1997 US) D: COLE S. McKAY W: WILLIAM LAWLOR P: JOSEPH MERHI/RICHARD PEPIN A 70s group called Las Vegas Disco Express dress in Abe Lincoln masks and kill associates of a gangster rap producer who sampled their tunes unless he pays up. Jeff Fahey stars as a cop in this watchable PM release. With Brion James and Gregory Scott Cummins.

THE UNDERNEATH (1995 US) D/W: “SAM LOWRY” (STEVEN SODERBERGH) W: DANIEL FUCHS P: JOHN HARDY Peter Gallagher returns to his small home town in Texas and gets a job working for an armoured car company. Alison Elliot is his ex, now going out with small-time hood William Fichtner. They plan an armoured car heist in this low-key but very engrossing thriller based on Don Tracy’s novel Criss Cross (filmed under that title in 1949). Nothing remarkable, but a solid, effective crime story welltold. With Joe Don Baker, Adam Trese, Paul Booley, Elisabeth Shue, Shelley Duvall and Richard Linklater.

UNDER PRESSURE (pressure; bad day on the block) (1997 CAN) D: CRAIG R. BAXLEY W: BETSY GIFFEN NOWRATSEH P: CHRIS CHESSER/ALAN BEATTY Psychotic ex-fireman hero Charlie Sheen (or Charles Sheen as he is billed here) terrorises next-door neighbours Mare Winningham and David Andrews and their two little kids. He’s also a racist (he tells an Oriental refrigerator serviceman “have a rice day”) and quotes the bible. We see flashbacks to him terrorising his ex-wife and child, and leaving a dying woman in a house on fire after rescuing her kid (“how dare you do this to your child”). A character observes he’s “projecting his own neuroses on the idealised family”. Sheen is pretty funny (he should play psychos more often), and no-matter how ridiculous and silly this film is, you’ll probably enjoy it. With Kerone Young, John Ratzenberger, David Hewlett, Reggie Jackson, Phillip Jarrett, Tino Monte, Sandra Oh and Kim Roberts.

THE UNDERSEA KINGDOM (1936 US) D: B. REEVES EASON/JOSEPH KANE W: JOHN RATHMELL/MAURICE GERACHTY/TRACY KNIGHT/OLIVER DRAKE P: NAT LEVINE Ray “Crash” Corrigan (minus his gorilla suit) is the navy officer hero who heads an atomic submarine that ends up in the lost city of Atlantis. Once there they discover a lost civilisation that dress like Roman gladiators. This real fun 12-chapter serial has clunky robots and armoured tanks with spikes. Monte Blue and Lon Chaney Jr. are villains. With Smiley Burnett, William Farnum, C. Montague Shaw, Raymond Hatton, Lane Chandler, Frankie Marvin, Jack Mulhall, John Merton, Franklyn Farnum, Lloyd Whitlock, Alan Curtis, George De Normand, Jack Ingram and Eddie Parker. I can watch all chapters of even the worst Republic serial, but if you can’t I recommend checking out the condensed version SHARAD OF ATLANIS.

UNDER SIEGE (1992 US FRA) D: ANDREW DAVIS W: J.F. LAWTON W/P: STEVEN SEAGAL P: ARNON MILCHAN/JOEL CHERNOFF/STEVEN REUTHER Seagal stars as an ex-Navy Seal cook on-board a nuclear battleship who fights terrorists led by Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey in this major release DIE HARD copy. With a topless Erika Eleniak popping out of a big cake, Nick Mancuso, Patrick O’Neal, Andy Romano, Troy Evans, Glenn Morshower, Bernie Casey, Raymond Cruz, Colm Meaney, George Cheung, Dennis Lipscomb and Dale Dye.

UNDER SIEGE 2: DARK TERRITORY (1995 US) D: GEOFF MURPHY W: RICHARD HATEM/MATT REEVES P: STEVEN SEAGAL/ARNON MILCHAN/ STEVE PERRY Seagal returns as the terroristslaughtering chef. This time it’s set aboard a moving train and the bad guys are led by Eric Bogosian and Everett McGill. With Katherine Heigl, Peter Greene, Nick Mancuso, Brenda Bakke and Patrick Kilpatrick. This undistinguished effort is from a New Zealand director who started with interesting stuff like THE QUIET EARTH before turning to Hollywood with the likes of YOUNG GUNS 2.

THE UNDERTAKER See: DEATH MERCHANT

THE UNDERTAKER AND HIS PALS (1966 US) D/W: T.L.P. SWICEGOOD P: “ALEX GRATTAN” (ALEJANDRO GRATTAN) A miserly undertaker (Ray Dannis) uses old crates (“this way up” is visible) as economic coffins. He’s in league with a couple of guys who run a greasy café. The trio ride motorbikes leather-clad, dismember women and half the profits (body to the undertaker, cuts of meat for the café). When a Mrs. Lamb has her leg removed, the special is leg of lamb! Someone obviously figured that H.G. Lewis needed more humour and this unique, brilliant gore comedy was born. Hard to define or justify, I just love this! My favourite parts include the chain-whipping in the sauna, the delayed reaction handgun jolt, and dig that musical accompaniment. With Robert Lowery.

THE UNDERTAKER IN SOHWA PROVINCE See: GRAVEDIGGER

UNDER THE GUN See: IRON FIST

UNDERWORLD (transmutations) (1985 UK) D: GEORGE PAVLOU W: CLIVE BARKER/JAMES CAPLIN P: KEVIN ATTEW/DON HAWKINS A private detective hired to find a kidnapped girl discovers a sewer-dwelling community of drug addicts mutated by an experimental new drug with dangerous side effects. Denholm Elliott is the scientist responsible. Apparently Barker hated what Pavlou did with this and RAWHEAD REX so much he decided to helm HELLRAISER himself. REX is ok, but this cheaplooking attempt at a sci-fi noir is pretty awful. With Steven Berkoff, Ingrid Pitt, Art Malik, Miranda Richardson, Gary Olsen and Philip Tan. An uncredited Charles Band was the executive producer.

UNDERWORLD (1996 CAN) D: ROGER CHRISTIAN W: LARRY BISHOP P: ROBERT and WILLIAM VINCE Denis Leary is a mysterious “sociopath” with a “fakey” name who drives sexually active gangster Joe Mantegna around in a limo to meet various people as some kind of therapy. It’s some kind of revenge for his father being in the hospital and lots of other gangsters get shot on Father’s Day. This aimless, talk-filled black comedy thriller seems like a stage play mixed with Tarantino (there’s a fourway Mexican stand-off). Has something to do with father-son relationships. It’s not exactly boring but doesn’t really go anywhere interesting. With Annabella Sciorra, writer Bishop, James Tolkan, Traci Lords, Abe Vigoda, Robert Costanzo, Dave “Sasquatch” Ward, L. Harvey Gold and Philip Granger. The director also made the more interesting THE SENDER (1982) and NOSTRADAMUS.

UNDERWORLD (2003 US GER HUN UK) D/W: LEN WISEMAN W: DANNY McBRIDE/KEN GREVIOUX P: GARY LUCCHESI/TOM ROSENBERG/RICHARD S. WRIGHT It’s vampires vs werewolves in one of the most derivative, prefabricated and deeply dull major releases in recent memory. Kate Beckinsale stars as a leather-clad werewolf-hunting vampiress who goes renegade against her clan’s wishes when she discovers a conspiracy to cross-breed the two species. Undeniably hyperstylish and visually impressive, but it lacks soul, wit, charisma and is no fun at all. With Scott Speedman, Michael Sheen, Shane Brolly, Bill Nighy, Sophia Myles, Robbie McGee, Wentworth Miller and McBride. It was filmed in Hungary (mostly Budapest) and apparently rips off an RPG game called World of Darkness, I saw a “Special Edition” dvd with extra footage not seen in theatres, basically prolonging the pain.

UNDERWORLD U.S.A. (1961 US) D/W/P: SAMUEL FULLER A no-hope street kid witnesses his father’s death by beating in an alleyway. He grows up via reform schools and prisons to be professional safe-cracker Cliff Robertson (who’s really good). He gains the trust of the criminal underworld so he can finally avenge his father’s death in this great b/w thriller from Fuller. With Paul Dubov, Peter Brocco and Tom London. Like many of the great director’s films, it’s conventional enough to be commercial, but with an extra added something.

UNDISPUTED (2002 US GER) D/W/P: WALTER HILL W/P: DAVID GILER P: BRAD KREVOY/ANDREW SUGERMAN A pro heavyweight boxing champ (Ving Rhames) is put in prison on a rape charge. Influential convicted gangster Peter Falk (who’s great) manages (threatens) to get the warden to put on a bout between Rhames and life-stretch prison champ Wesley Snipes (the good guy). Hill is as professional as ever and this is typically tough and macho, but the script must have gone through some rewrites because a lot of focus is lost and certain topics dropped altogether. Almost good, but disjointed. With Michael Rooker as a guard, Wes Studi, Jon Seda, Fisher Stevens, Nils Allen Stewart, Master P, Michael Bailey Smith and Peter Jason. Snipes was also an executive producer. There were two sequels in 2006 and 2010.

UNDRESSED TO KILL (sexorcist devil; the sexorcist) (1974 US) D: “SVEN HELLSTROM” (RAY DENNIS STECKLER) W: ARNOLD BLATT P: HANS LECK Steckler’s regular (and ex) Carolyn Brandt narrates and has a (non-sex) role in this porno movie. She’s a reporter living with a hooker and her pimp, helping a professor of demonology (and “sexorcist”) research a cursed marsh. When evil is resurrected, some guy in a hood lurks, gets a blow job and possesses a girl (“Help, I’m being possessed by the Devil”). The end? “Hail, Satan”. The final credits are drawn. If you’re a Steckler fan, then some of his hardcore output (this included) is essential. Otherwise, maybe not.

THE UNDYING BRAIN See: BRAIN OF BLOOD

THE UNDYING MONSTER (the hammond mystery) (1942 US) D: JOHN BRAHM W: LILLIE HAYWARD/ MICHAEL JACOBY P: BRYAN FOY Mysterious happenings abound at Hammond Hall, a big family mansion on a cliff overlooking the sea. Locals talk of an ancient ancestor who sold his soul to the Devil and supposedly lurks in a secret room in the house. James Ellison is the scientist who investigates (along with his comic relief female sidekick). Heather Angel and John Howard are the current generation in peril. Passable b/w mystery is 60 mins long and only of real interest to completists of this kind of fare. With Halliwell Boulton, Alec Craig, Douglas Gerrard, David Thursby and Charles McGraw in his debut as a coach driver. Based on Jessie Douglas Kerruish’s novel.

THE UNEARTHING See: ASWANG

THE UNEARTHLING See: POD PEOPLE

THE UNEARTHLY (1957 US) D/P: “BROOKE L. PETERS” (BORIS PETROFF) W: “GEOFFREY DENNIS” (JOHN D.F. BLACK)/JANE MANN Escaped convict Myron Healey is caught breaking into kindly seeming John Carradine’s retreat for the mentally disturbed. Carradine blackmails him into taking part in dangerous experiments (to find the cure for death and mortality) that the other guests are unwittingly about to become a part of. Tor Johnson is Carradine’s henchman Lobo. With Allison Hayes, former Miss America Marilyn Buferd, Sally Todd and Roy Gordon. The pay-off for this b/w junk is a basement full of earlier reject test patient mongoloids, but it’s far too late to save it. Petroff later made two features written by Ed Wood, ANATOMY OF A PSYCHO (1961) and SHOTGUN WEDDING (1963).

THE UNFAITHFUL WIFE (la femme infidèle; stephane, una moglie infidele) (1969 FRA ITL) D/W: CLAUDE CHABROL P: ANDRE GENORES Michel Bouquet and his beautiful wife Stéphane Audran live an idyllic middle-class country life with their young son. He suspects that she’s cheating on him during excursions to the city, and he’s right. Maurice Ronet is the lover and subsequent murder victim in this lowkey and extremely effective exercise in anti-suspense. The furtive glances and exactly what isn’t said are all the more effective because of an excellent cast, including Michel Duchaussoy as a police officer on the case. With Louise Chevalier, Henri Marteau, Dominique Zardi, Michel Charrel and Henri Attal. Remade as the less subtle Hollywood vehicle UNFAITHFUL, and a Hindi version from 2004 is called MURDER.

UNFAITHFUL WIFE: SHAMEFUL TORTURE See: THE BEDROOM

UNFORGETTABLE (1996 US) D: JOHN DAHL W: BILL GEDDIE P: MARTHA DE LAURENTIIS Ray Liotta stars as a tortured police forensics investigator who injects himself with a mind transfer serum mixed with various characters’ blood to try to find his wife’s killer. Linda Fiorentino (in a role that’s the complete opposite of her femme fatale in Dahl’s THE LAST SEDUCTION) is the scientist who invented the serum. This thriller is occasionally ridiculous and goes on a bit (approaching the two-hour mark), but does feature some good audience manipulation scenes and should thoroughly entertain if you sink into it. With Peter Coyote, Christopher MacDonald, Kim Cattrall, Kim Coates, Duncan Fraser, David Paymer, Garwin Sanford, Nathaniel DeVeaux, William B. Davies, Callum Keith Rennie and Fulvio Cecere. Dahl’s brother Rick was an executive producer.

UNFORGIVEN (1992 US) D/P: CLINT EATSWOOD W: DAVID WEBB PEOPLES Eastwood directs himself as an out-of-practice born again bounty hunter and gunfighter in this rape-revenge western that’s pretty good, but overlong and overrated. Gene Hackman is a corrupt sheriff. With Morgan Freeman, Richard Harris, Saul Rubinek, Jaimz Woolvett, Frances Fisher, Anna Levine, Ron White, John Pyper-Ferguson, Walter Marsh, Frank C. Turner and Lochlyn Munro.

THE UNHOLY (1988 US) D: CAMILO VILA W: PHILIP YORDAN/FERNANDO FONSECA P: MATTHEW HAYDEN A sexy demon succubus in New Orleans seduces priests and becomes two monster midgets at the end. Not awful, but completely forgettable time-waster. With Ned Beatty, Hal Holbrook, Trevor Howard and Ben Cross as the EXORCIST-style priest who must cast her out.

UNHOLY TERROR See: CRUCIBLE OF TERROR

THE UNHOLY THREE (1925 US) D/P: TOD BROWNING W: WALDEMAR YOUNG Lon Chaney is a sideshow ventriloquist who decides to become a jewel thief with the help of nasty cigar-smoking midget Harry Earles (who’s great) and Hercules the strongman (Victor McLaglen). They run a pet shop specialising in talking parrots (voices provided by Chaney) as a front. Chaney disguises himself as a kindly old woman (as in Browning’s THE DEVIL DOLL) and Earles is passed off as a baby. Mae Busch is the pickpocket whom Chaney loves, but she has eyes for Matt Moore, who’s set up to take the rap for the audacious robberies (see for yourself). This great b/w silent based on a story by Tod Robbins (as was FREAKS) also features a killer ape (what more could you possibly want?). With Matthew Betz, Edward Connelly, William Humphrey, E. Allyn Warren and Walter Perry. Chaney was in THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA the same year.

THE UNHOLY THREE (1930 US) D: JACK CONWAY W: J.C. NUGENT/ELLIOTT NUGENT P: IRVING THALBERG This remake was Lon Chaney’s last feature and his only talkie. Harry Earles also returns as the mean dwarf (he kicks a kid in the carnival opening). Ivan Linow is Hercules the strongman, and Lila Lee is the female pickpocket accomplice who falls for the framed innocent (screenwriter Elliott Nugent). And let’s not forget Charles Gemora in his gorilla suit. With Clarence Burton, Crauford Kent, Jack Baxley, Sidney Bracey, Richard Carle, Ray Cooke, Dot Farley, Trixie Friganzia, Joseph W. Girard and Armand Kaliz. You don’t need to see both versions (they’re very close), but this one’s just as worth watching as the original. In b/w.

THE UNHOLY WIFE (the lady and the prowler) (1957 US) D/P: JOHN FARROW W: WILLIAM DURKEE/ JONATHAN LATIMER Diana Dors’ US debut is a pretty lacklustre potboiler about her husband (Rod Steiger) finding out about a murder plot dreamed up between her and her lover (Tom Tryon). With Marie Windsor, Arthur Franz, Beulah Bondi, Argentina Brunetti, Steve Pendleton, Douglas Spencer, James Burke, Don C. Harvey, Nelson Leigh and Jimmy Lydon. In its defence, there aren’t many movies that boast Steiger and Dors as husband and wife.

UNIVERSAL HORROR (1998 UK) D: KEVIN BROWNLOW P: PATRICK STANBURY This documentary about the classic 1930s (and, to a lesser extent, 40s) horror movies made by Universal Studios was made for BBC Television and is narrated by Kenneth Branagh (who failed to capture the flavour with his own MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN). It’s a good starting point for those just getting interested in classic horror cinema and is also enjoyable for long-time fans. Interviewees include Forrest J. Ackerman, Turhan Bey, Ray Bradbury, Curtis Harrington, James Karen (who really loves these movies and also narrated DRIVE-IN MADNESS!), Rose Hobart, Carla Laemmle (Carl Laemmle’s niece), Curt Siodmak, Fay Wray, Gloria Stuart and Boris Karloff’s daughter Sarah. As well as the expected film clips, we also get bits from METROPOLIS, THE UNKNOWN (with Lon Chaney) and J’ACCUSE!

UINVERSAL SOLDIER (1992 US ISR) D: ROLAND EMMERICH W: DEAN DEVLIN/RICHARD ROTHSTEIN/ CHRISTOPHER LEITCH P: CRAIG BAUMGARTEN/ALLEN SHAPIRO/JOEL B. MICHAELS Jean-Claude Van Damme is a good soldier and Dolph Lundgren his evil squad commander who both get killed in ’nam 1969. But they’re cryogenically frozen and thawed 23 years later to bore us to death with lacklustre action scenes. With Ally Walker, Jerry Orbach, Ed O’Ross, Tiny Lister, Rance Howard, Lilyan Chauvin, Thomas Roslae Jr., Gene Davis, Ned Bellamy, Simon Rhee, Ralf Moeller and Michael Jai White. It was Emmerich’s first American movie (replacing original director Andrew Davis); he went on to better hits like INDEPENDENCE DAY.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER 2: BROTHERS IN ARMS (1998 CAN) D: JEFF WOOLNOUGH W: PETER M. LENKOV P: BOB WERTHEIMER This and part three are made for tv sequels, pilots for a proposed series that never happened. It begins with a re-enactment of the ending from the original, introducing ex-pro football star Matt Battaglia as Van Damme’s replacement. Chandra West replaces Ally Walker. Gary Busey mows down soldiers with a machinegun so they can be resurrected as supersoldiers (to be sold as mercenaries). Burt Reynolds (attempting a bad Irish accent) stays offscreen. With Michael Copeman, Aron Tager, Julian Richings and Jeff Wicott as Battaglia’s dead soldier brother. Typical lame tv action.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER 3: UNFINISHED BUSINESS (1998 CAN) D: JEFF WOOLNOUGH W: PETER M. LENKOV P: BOB WERTHEIMER Burt Reynolds has a larger role in this really dull second tv sequel. Jeff Wincott, Matt Bataglia and Chandra West return, with Aron Tager, Vince Corazza, Garry Mendicino, Dan Duran, Martin Roach and Lee Garlington. Jean-Calude Van Damme starred in the next “official” sequel that ignored these two.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN (1999 US) D: MIC RODGERS W: WILLIAM MALONE/JOHN FASANO P: CRAIG BAUMGARTEN/ALLEN SHAPIRO/ JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME Knucklehead official sequel has a less than inspiring script from two low-budget exploitation directors and is (barely) more fun than the previous films despite (or maybe because of) its devotion to nothing but brainless action and clichés. Van Damme stars, and he faces off against a small army of nearly indestructible “uni-sols” led by Michael Jai White and wrestler Bill Goldberg. With Xander Berkeley, Daniel Von Bargen and Brent Hinkley. Followed by UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: REGENERATION (2009) and UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: DAY OF RECKONING (2012).

THE UNINVITED (1944 US) D: LEWIS ALLEN W: FRANK PARTOS/DODIE SMITH P: CHARLES BRACKETT Sister and brother Ruth Hussey and Ray Milland buy a big old house by the sea on the southern coast of England from Donald Crisp. The spirit of his late wife is said to haunt the place and his daughter (who falls in love with Milland) is forbidden to go there. Overlong b/w haunted house movie shows that it has the potential to be creepy, but concentrates more on human drama and slight comedy. Thus an ultimately weak adaption of Dorothy Macardle’s Uneasy Freehold. With Barbara Everest, Norman Ainsley, Alan Napier, David Clyde, Betty Farrington, Holmes Herbert, Leyland Hodgson, George Kelly, Ottola Nesmith, Ivan F. Simpson and Evan Thomas.

THE UNINVITED (1987 US) D/W/P: GREYDON CLARK A cat escapes from a laboratory and sneaks aboard a yacht owned by George Kennedy. The characters onboard (gangsters, bimbos and some other guys) get killed by a mutant monster cat that emerges from the kitty’s mouth. It’s an exceptionally awful film (even for Clark, who appears). With Clu Gulager and Austin Stoker.

THE UNKNOWN (1927 US) D/W: TOD BROWNING W: WALDEMAR YOUNG More people should know about this incredible Lon Chaney b/w silent (unacknowledged) classic. He plays Alonzo, an armless gypsy knife thrower and shootist in the circus. Joan Crawford (in one of her earliest roles) is his beautiful assistant who can’t stand the touch of men’s hands. Norman Kerry is the strongman and competitor for Crawford’s feelings. Only Alonzo’s dwarf assistant Cojo (who wears matching costumes like Angelo Rossitto later did with Bela) knows that he’s actually a wanted criminal with both arms (and a double thumb mutation). Chaney not only is his usual incredible self at conveying emotions, but also uses his feet to shoot, throw knives, light cigarettes and play guitar (a body double was used for some of these scenes, but it’s undoubtedly Chaney in others). You won’t believe how this truly amazing film ends. With John George, Frank Lanning, Polly Moran and John St. Polis. It’s not credited, but a novel by Mary Roberts was the basis for this. In turn SANTA SANGRE was obviously inspired by THE UNKNOWN. Now there’s a double bill for you! Screenwriter Young, Chaney and Browning made the still lost LONDON AFTER MIDNIGHT the same year.

THE UNKNOWN BEYOND See: L’AL TROVE

UNKNOWN ISLAND (jurassic island) (1948 US) D: JACK BERNHARD W: ROBERT T. SHANNON/JACK HARVEY P: ALBERT J. COHEN In a Singapore bar, former pilot Phillip Reed and his wealthy, loving fiancée (Virginia Grey) convince hard-drinking, brawling sea captain Barton MacLane to charter his ship (used for the transportation of wild animals) to a South Seas island where Reed had spotted dinosaurs during a wartime recon flight. A traumatised alcoholic (Richard Denning, who predictably turns out to be the real hero), having escaped the island once, goes with them. The dinosaurs they encounter are either pathetic miniatures that barely move, or rearscreen projection men-in-monster-suits (they’re so laughably cheap that the immobile arms just wobble as they walk about). Ray “Crash” Corrigan (this was partially shot at his Corriganville ranch) dons a big gorilla suit to play a “giant sloth” (it fights a T. Rex at the end). This Cinecolor release from Film Classics is more boring than funny, though. With Dick Wessel as the first mate, Dan White as one of the superstitious local crew who mutiny, “Snub” Pollard as a drunk in a dive bar, and Harry Wilson.

UNKNOWN ORIGIN See: THE ALIEN WITHIN

UNKNOWN WORLD (to the centre of the earth) (1951 US) D: TERRELL O. MORSE W: MILLARD KAUFMAN P: JACK RABIN/IRVING BLOCK Prof. Victor Kilian is trying to raise funds to explore the underground caverns and fissures of Earth in case an atomic war leaves the surface uninhabitable. Just as the project is about to be scrapped a rich playboy gives them money to build the Cyclotram, a tank/submarine with a big drill mount (copied from Edgar Rice Burroughs, later adapted for AT THE EARTH’S CORE), under the condition that he come along (and try to romance the female member of the team). Fears of heat at the Earth’s core are ill-founded as apparently modern theory predicts it to be cooler than the surface!?! After much danger, drama, depression and dead ends, they finally find a vast underground cavern with a sea, phosphorescent stone light and Bronson Canyon. This b/w Lippert release is an hour or so of comfy 50s sci-fi that is perfect for late-night, curled-up-in-bed viewing.

UNLAWFUL ENTRY (1992 US JPN) D: JONATHAN KAPLAN W: LEWIS COLICK/GEORGE D. PUTNAM/ JON KATCHMER P: CHARLES GORDON Kurt Russell and Madeline Stowe are middle class LA suburbanites who befriend a cop (Ray Liotta) who helps them out after they have a break-in. But he’s an unhinged psycho who wants Russell out of the way so he can have Stowe all to himself. Liotta was born to play friendly seeming psychos and this is a pretty suspenseful thriller. With Roger E. Mosley, Andy Romano, Sherrie Rose, Dick Miller, Ken Lerner, Carmen Argenziano, Tony Longo, Bob Minor and Robert Costanzo. FAREB is a Hindi remake from 1996.

UNLUCKY MONKEY (1997 JPN) D/W: “SABU” (HIROYUKI TANAKA) P: HIDENI SATANI Shinnichi Tsutsumi (previously in the director’s DANGAN RUNNER and POSTMAN BLUES) robs a bank (in one of the most funny and inventive robbery scenes you’ll ever see) and accidentally kills a girl (Kimika Yoshino from the WIZARD OF DARKNESS movies) during his getaway. Hiroshi Shimizu, Iko Suzuki and Touro Yamamoto are three gangsters who accidentally kill a yakuza boss (Ren Osugi) and become hunted men. Both stories collide and there’s an outrageous climax. Tomoroh Taguchi, Susumu Terajima, Keisuke Horibe, Kanji Tsuda, Diamon Yukai (from the band Red Warriors) and Sabu are also in this excellent post-Kitano black comedy thriller. Sabu returned with MONDAY.

UNMASKED PART 25 See: THE HAND OF DEATH (1988)

THE UNNAMABLE (1987 US) D/W/P: JEAN-PAUL OUELLETE P: DEAN RAMSEL Arkham Miskatonic university students end up at an old house supposedly inhabited by some unnameable evil in this loose H.P. Lovecraft adaptation. The characters are a little more likeable than the usual morons, but until very near the end nothing much happens really. Ok, but terribly plain.

THE UNNAMABLE 2: THE STATEMENT OF RANDOLPH CARTER (1992 US) D/W/P: JEANPAUL OUELLETTE Maria Ford as a 300-yearold possessed girl who crawls around naked on her hands and knees is the best thing about this more expensive sequel. The fun cast also makes it watchable: John Rhys-Davies, David Warner, Peter Breck and Julie Strain as a demon/chair! Pretty silly. Loosely based on H.P. Lovecraft.

UNSANE See: TENEBRAE

THE UNSEEN (1980 US) D/W: PETER FOLEG W: STAN WINSTON/TOM BURMAN P: ANTHONY B. UNGER TV reporter (former Bond girl Barbara Bach) and two female assistants are unable to find a hotel to stay in while covering a small-town Danish festival. Museum owner and cheerful weirdo (and voyeur) Sydney Lassick invites them to stay at his house with him and his depressed wife. Something creeps around in tunnels under the house and kills. At the end of this slow-moving horror it turns out to be a childlike retard in dungarees (Stephen Furst)! It’s a bit too late to save the film, though. We also get to see a chicken with no head flop around.

UNSTOPPABLE HIGHWAY See: ROAD TRAIN

THE UNSUSPECTED (1947 US) D/P: MICHAEL CURTIZ W: RANALD MacDOUGALL/BESS MEREDITH P: CHARLES HOFFMAN Claude Rains is excellent as a respected murder mystery radio show host in this absorbing and very well done mystery concerning suicide, missing persons, greed and secret recordings. To say any more would kind of spoil it. With Audrey Totter, Constance Bennett, Fred Clark, Jack Lambert, Ray Walker, Nana Bryant, Walter Baldwin, Brooks Benedict, Jack Cheatham, George Eldredge, Bess Flowers, Charles Horvath, Douglas Kennedy, Rory Mallinson, Ray Montgomery, Jack Mower and Barbara Woodell. It’s in b/w and based on a novel by Charlotte Armstrong.

UNTAMED FURY See: SWAMP VIRGIN

UNTAMED YOUTH (1957 US) D: HOWARD W. KOCH W: JOHN C. HIGGINS/STEPHEN LONGSTREET P: AUBREY SCHENCK This is a great slice of 50s teen trash about a corrupt rural juvenile home that gets innocent youngsters arrested via sleazy sheriff Robert Foulk who are then forced to work hard labour in the cotton fields! But they sing rock’n’roll tunes at night! John Russell is the main tyrant, Mamie Van Doren steals the film, and Yvonne Lime (I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF) and Lori Nelson (REVENGE OF THE CREATURE) have substantial parts. And don’t forget Eddie Cochran as Bong (!). With Wally Brown, Stanley Andrews, Les Baxter, Terry Frost, William Henry and Alex Montoya. Fun.

THE UNTOLD STORY See: THE BUN MAN

THE UNTOLD STORY 2 (yan yuk cha shiu baau 2: tinchu dei mit; ren rou cha shao bao 2: tian zhu di mie) (1998 HK) D: NG YIU KUEN Follow-up to the hit BUN MAN has HK fried pork restaurant owner Emotion Cheung falling for his adulterous golddigging wife’s cousin from China (Paulyn Sun). But she turns out to be psycho and stabs the wife (Helena Law Lan) to death, chops up her body and feeds it to their customers. Anthony Wong is fun to watch as a dumb detective who always mislays his gun, but this is nowhere near the same league as the classic original. With Melvin Wong and Jamie Luk. UNTOLD STORY 3 followed.

THE UNTOUCHABLE See: THE BIG SWITCH

THE UNTOUCHABLES (1959) See: THE SCARFACE MOB

UP! (1976 US) D/W/P: RUSS MEYER W: “REINHOLD TIMME” (ROGER EBERT)/ANTHONY JAMES RYAN Kitten Natividad is the Greek chorus for this unstructured murder mystery ramble that doesn’t really have much of a plot to speak of. But who cares with so much memorable sex and violence from the master Meyer. First-rate exploitation. With Candy Samples, Raven De La Croix and Meyer. Uschi Digard was the associate producer. BENEATH THE VALLEY OF THE ULKTRAVIXENS was next.

UP FROM THE DEPTHS (jurassic jaws) (1979 US PHIL) D: CHARLES B. GRIFFITH W: ALFRED M. SWEENEY/ANNE DYER P: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO Some kind of big prehistoric fish eats tourists at a resort in Hawaii (actually the Philippines). It’s a passable monster in underwater scenes but looks pretty silly when it surfaces. Cheap JAWS spoof isn’t really very good, but does have an above average script that has some (occasionally hilarious) sly humour. With Sam Bottoms and Virgil Frye. Roger Corman was the executive producer. Santiago remade it as DEMON OF PARADISE.

UP IN SMOKE (1978 US) D/P: LOU ADLER D/W: TOMMY CHONG W: CHEECH MARIN P: LOU LOMBARDO Cheech and Chong’s first movie is hilarious in places. The pot (and LSD) humour is a lot funnier than in their later features as they transport a van made of marijuana (!) across the Mexican border. It ends at a punk rock concert. With Tom Skerritt, Stacy Keach, Edie Adams, Strother Martin, Rainbeaux Smith, Rodney Bingenheimer, Val Avery, Arthur Roberts and Ellen Barkin. Scenes with Harry Dean Stanton were deleted.

UPON A FRIGHTMARE See: THE HORROR STAR

UPS AND DOWNS OF A SUPERSTUD See: LOVE HOTEL ALL SERVICE

THE UPSTATE MURDERS See: SAVAGE WEEKEND

UP THE CREEK (1984 US) D: ROBERT BUTLER W: JIM KOUF/JEFF SHERMAN/DOUGLAS GROSSMAN P: MICHAEL T. MELTZER/JOEL CHERNOFF (uncredited) Four losers (including star Tim Matheson and Dan Monahan from PORKY’S) from the worst college in the country are blackmailed by Dean John Hillerman into competing in a raft race. They encounter military cadets and jocks (who use torpedoes and explosives). It’s exactly what you’d expect. With Stephen Furst, Romy Windsor, James Sikking, Lori Sutton and Playboy centrefold Jeana Tomasino. Sam Arkoff and his son were executive producers. The director previously helmed Disney pictures.

UPWORLD (a gnome named gnorm; the adventures of a gnome named gnorm) (1988 US) D: STAN WINSTON W/P: PEN DENSHAM W: JOHN WATSON P: ROBERT Q. CORT/SCOTT KROOPF/RICHARD BARTON LEWIS Anthony Michael Hall is a cop who befriends an ugly, hairy gnome from under the Earth who happens to witness a murder. It’s pretty stupid and boring. With Claudia Christian, Jerry Orbach and Robert Z’Dar. Winston also did the FX (for which he’s most well known).

URBAN GHOST STORY (1998 UK) D/W: GENEVIEVE JOLLIFFE W/P: CHRIS JONES A Glaswegian schoolgirl’s guilt over a joyriding accident seems to be fuelling a poltergeist or a demon that’s manifested itself in her single parent family’s shithole estate flat in this excellent independent British production. A tabloid photographer, parapsychologists and a medium all try to solve the mystery while vicious moneylenders and the everyday grind of lower working class life takes its toll. Genuinely suspenseful horror is mixed with well-acted kitchen-sink realism to create something highly original. The ending is a bit pat, but this is still highly recommended viewing. With Jason Connery and Billy Boyd.

URBAN HARVEST See: CHILDREN OF THE CORN 3

URBAN HARVEST 2 See: CHILDREN OF THE CORN 4

URBAN HARVEST 3 See: NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW

URBAN LEGEND (mixed culture; legende urbaine; rule 2) (1998 US CAN) D: JAMIE BLANKS W: SILVIO HORTA P: NEAL H. MORITZ/GYNA MATTHEWS/MICHAEL McDONNELL Jared Leto and Alicia Witt head the cast of this bad SCREAM-inspired teen horror flick. Students on a college campus are being killed off in the manner of famous urban myths. This in itself is not a bad idea for a movie, but this movie wallows in a cleverness it doesn’t even have to begin with. With Natasha Gregson Wagner, John Neville, Robert Englund, a cameo from a stuttering Brad Dourif, Loretta Devine, Joshua Jackson, Tara Reid, Julian Richings, J.C. Kenny, Vince Corazza, Balázs Koós and Clé Bennett. A clip of Pam Grier in COFFY is better than anything else here.

URBAN LEGENDS: FINAL CUT (rule 2) (2000 CAN US) D: JOHN OTTMAN W: PAUL HARRIS BOARDMAN/ SCOTT DERRICKSON P: GINA MATTHEWS/NEAL H. MORITZ/RICHARD LUKE ROTHSCHILD This irritatingly self-referential, postmodern SCREAM-inspired sequel takes place at a film school where student Jennifer Morrison is making her final thesis film on a killer that mimics urban legends. Of course, someone does actually kill people in this manner, leading to a convoluted motive/killer unmasking that’ll make you wish you hadn’t bothered. With Hart Bochner, Matthew Davis, Loretta Devine, Joey Lawrence, Anson Mount, Eva Mendes, Anthony Anderson, Jessica Cauffiel, Jacinda Barrett, Marco Hofschneider and Yani Gellman. Hitchcock and Pam Grier are discussed. URBAN LEGENDS: BLOODY MARY (2005) followed.

UROTSUKIDOJI: LEGEND OF THE OVERFIEND (chojin densetsu urotsukidoji; wandering kid) (1987-89 ANIMATED JPN) D: HIDEKI TAKAYAMA W: NOBORU AIKAWA/GORO SANYO P: YASUHITO YAMAKI There seems to be a lot of confusion surrounding this (more below), so let me just start by explaining what this specific review refers to. These are the three chapters (original titles and running times: CHOJIN TANJO HEN, 38 mins; CHOJIN JUSATSU HEN, 60 mins; KANKETSU JIGOKU HEN, 48 mins) that make up the first serial in the notorious UROSTSUKIDOJI/OVERFIEND/ WANDERING KID (whatever you want to call it) saga. Jujin are half-man, half-beast entities. One Jujin guy, Amano, his horny female sidekick (and their comic relief little creature) are keeping an eye on high-schooler Tatsuo Nagumo, who may be housing a chojin, some kind of overfiend who comes along every 3,000 years. Meanwhile, the Makai, other sex-crazed demonic monsters, are also searching for the Chojin, and raping every nubile young girl in sight with slimy phallic tentacles (that shoot a purple neon cum). Makai-infected villains make life difficult by kidnapping Nagumo’s cute cheerleader girlfriend Akemi, who also figures in the mythical sex’n’violence epic that is confusing and lacking coherent continuity, but does paint an impressive, decadent landscape where orgasms are literally earth-shaking, and having the horn can bring about apocalypse. It’s very easy to sneer at, and not to look beyond any perceived juvenile misogyny (I’m not saying that’s not there, but it is a legitimate subject for fantasy), but UROTSUKIDOJI is a pretty interesting meditation on prurience, and an end-of-the road masturbatory inferno of EC Comics gore-on-acid, where the influence of H.P. Lovecraft meets the art of Katsuhika Hokusai (if you don’t know what I’m on about, you need to see the 1981 flick EDO PORN). There’s also a bit of the bawdy 16th century Chinese tome, The Chinese Prayer Mat, the source for the movie SEX AND ZEN. Toshio Maeda is the influential fellow who wove these influences together and wrote the original manga on which it is based. But lest we get overly serious, let’s not forget the retro charms of the funny English dub (or you can choose subtitles), and the tacky yet infectious cheapo synthfunk of Masamichi Aamano’s soundtrack. The three uncut episodes can be found on the American UROTSUKIDOJI: PERFECT COLLECTION dvd set (along with the sequel, UROTSUKIDOJI II: LEGEND OF THE DEMON WOMB (see below). Interestingly, they are also uncensored (unlike the Japanese originals), so genitalia can be seen. The original artists and designers assumed the image would never be seen (the phenomenal overseas success of the series, that prompted sequels, was a total surprise), so pubic hair was not drawn. This led to further controversy abroad, when censors mistook the characters for being underage (although to be fair, if you are familiar with the world of hentai anime and comics, this is a legitimate concern!). The UK feature-length edit (LEGEND OF THE OVERFIEND) was severely cut (the rest of the series proved even more problematic in Blighty), but was a massive hit on video (one of the key titles that exploded the 90s “manga mania” boom outside Japan). Ever since UROTSUKIDOJI, there has been a steady stream of “tentacle porn” animation, and several subsequent perverted Maeda adaptations (DEMON BEAST INVASION (1990), LA BLUE GIRL, ADVENTURE KID etc.). Also several live action attempts, including a cluster of hardcore stroke material oddities from the Adult Video house Soft On Demand (one day I might write my Big Book of Japanese Porn, if I can stop wanking for five mins!).

UROTSUKIDOJI II: LEGEND OF THE DEMON WOMB (shin chojin densetsu urotsukidoji: mataiden) (1990-91 ANIMATED JPN) D: HIDEKI TAKAYAMA W: NOBORU AIKAWA P: YASUHITO YAMAKI This was originally two separate episodes (individual titles: KYO O FUKKATSU ENO INORI and SHINJUKU MATENROO TAISEN), also released (cut) as a condensed DEMON WOMB feature abroad. The story drifts a little from the source manga, and for those who take such things seriously, seems to fall chronologically somewhere between the final two episodes of the original serial. It’s also a major disappointment. The same major characters return. A blood transfusion from Nagumo results in his cousin Takeaki (who survived a plane crash that killed his parents) also becoming a lust-crazed semi-demon (although there is less rape’n’tentacles this time around). Confusingly, the Nazis (led by what looks like a mecha-Hitler!) built some kind of fuck machine that lays buried beneath a skyscraper in Shinjuku. Pretty boring all told, like a marginally more kinkier version of countless forgettable action-fantasy animes. And something featuring a mechanised sex machine built by the Third Reich should not be boring! Further serials that offered even less were UROTSUKIDOJI III: RETURN OF THE OVERFIEND (1992-93), UROTSUKIDOJI IV: INFERNO ROAD (1993-95) and the incomplete UROTSUKIDOJI V: THE FINAL CHAPTER (1996) (unseen in any state in most countries). THE UROTSUKI (2002) was an attempt at restarting the franchise.

URSUS IN THE LAND OF FIRE See: THE SON OF HERCULES IN THE LAND OF FIRE

U.S. MARSHALS (1998 US) D: STUART BAIRD W: JOHN POGUE P: ARNOLD and ANNE KOPELSON Follow-up to THE FUGITIVE has Tommy Lee Jones reprising his role as a Federal agent. This time the escapee (after a really exciting plane crash sequence) is Wesley Snipes. There’s some great action and it’s seamlessly made, but overlength and clichés bring it down a few notches. With Robert Downey Jr., Joe Pantoliano, Irene Jacob, Kate Nelligan, Daniel Roebuck, Patrick Malahide, Michael Paul Chan and Thomas Rosales Jr.

U.S. MILITARY TOP SECRET See: XTRO 3

U.S. SEALS (1999 US) D: YOSSI WEIN W: DAVID SPARLING W/P: DANNY LERNER True to form, the Nu Image company present another comatose, brain-dead “action” movie that sends you to sleep. With Greg Collins and Velizer Binev. Rejoice! Two sequels followed.

THE USUAL SUSPECTS (1995 US GER) D/P: BRYAN SINGER W: CHRISTOPHER McQUARRIE P: MICHAEL McDONNELL Singer’s brilliant second feature (after PUBLIC ACCESS) is a complex, involving crime story told in flashback by Kevin Spacey to investigating cop Chazz Palminteri. Spacey and four other cons (Gabriel Byrne, Stephen Baldwin, the excellent Benicio Del Toro and Kevin Pollack) meet at a rigged police line-up and are blackmailed by lawyer Pete Postlethwaite to pull a suicidal job for mythical arch criminal Keyser Söze (“the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist”). The whole cast is very good and the denouement is fantastic. With Giancarlo Esposito, Dan Hedaya, Jack Shearer, Paul Bartel, Peter Greene and McQuarrie (who went on to direct THE WAY OF THE GUN).

USUGESHO See: TRACKED

THE UTAH TRAIL (1938 US) D: ALBERT HERMAN W: EDMOND KELSO/LINDSLEY PARSONS P: EDWARD FINNEY In this much more entertaining than usual 55 mins b/w B western, Tex Ritter is the headstrong Pecos Kid, who arrives in town with a couple of comical sidekicks (Horace Murphy and “Snub” Pollard) and help the daughter of an old friend (Pamela Blake) against castle rustlers who use a “ghost train” (led by Karl Hackett). Ed Cassidy is the sheriff. Ritter sings to his horse White Flash, and a satirical election time song. Better, though, are The Texas Tornadoes (here renamed The Tex Ritter Tornadoes) who perform a decent number in a saloon. With Charles King, Dave O’Brien, Bud Osborne, Lynton Brent, Victor Adamson (Al Adamson’s dad), Horace B. Carpenter, Oscar Gahan, Herman Hack, Chick Hannon, Reed Howes, Dick Morehead, George Morrell, Tex Palmer, Fred Parker, Tex Phelps, Bud Pope, James Sheridan and Wally West.

U-TURN (1997 US FRA) D: OLIVER STONE W: JOHN RIDLEY P: DAN HALSTED/RICHARD RUTOWSKI/ CLAYTON TOWNSEND Ex-tennis player Sean Penn is driving through the Arizona desert to pay off a gangster that cut off two of his fingers, when his car breaks down in a small town. He falls for the local half-Apache cocktease (Jennifer Lopez), but her husband (and father) Nick Nolte finds out. Nolte then asks Penn to kill her. Lots of other (mostly bad) things happen to Penn in this nightmarish black comedy. Powers Boothe is the sheriff, Billy Bob Thornton is a mechanic who plays Twister on his own, and Jon Voight is a blind ’nam vet beggar. With Claire Danes, Joaquin Phoenix, Bo Hopkins, Ilia Volokh, Julie Hagerty, Brent Briscoe, Liv Tyler and Laurie Metcalf. It’s not that good, but Stone’s typical overkill style at least suits the material (adapted from Ridley’s own novel). Ennio Morricone composed the soundtrack.

UZU MAKI (vortex: spiral) (2000 JPN) D: HIGUCHINSKY W: RIKUO NITTA P: AKEMI OKAYAMA/YUKI KAJITA Based on a manga by Junji Itto, this is one of the most original and visually impressive films you’re ever likely to see. A town is cursed with the shape “uzu maki” (circular spiral). Ren Osugi is very good as a husband and father who suddenly becomes obsessed with the shape and ignores everything else in his life. His schoolboy son and his girlfriend are the main characters. From the impressive opening sequence to the amazing ending, this fascinating, beautiful, disturbing and shocking feature is unlike anything else. With Taro Suwa. Don’t miss it. Itto also wrote the manga that TOMIE was based on.

V (1983 US) D/W: KENNETH JOHNSON P: CHUCK BOWMAN Reptilian aliens in human form come to Earth under false pretences and ask for help. An underground resistance discovers that they are here to steal all the water and harvest humans for food. Awkward touches try to liken it to the rise of the Nazis. Extremely popular (and expensive) tv miniseries (it’s over three hours long) has not dated well. It’s pretty interesting to start with, with those big saucers floating above major cities (and the memorable rodent eating) but soon degenerates into derivative action adventure tv. Richard Herd, Andrew Prine and Robert Englund are visitors and Marc Singer kind of stars as a tv reporter. With Myron Healey, Denny Miller, Richard Lawson, Clete Roberts and Howard K. Smith. I liked the sticker that says “Archaeology, can you dig it?” Johnson later made ALIEN NATION tv movies.

V: THE FINAL BATTLE (1984 US) D: RICHARD T. HEFFRON W: BRIAN TAGGERT/PEGGY GOLDMAN/“LILLIAN WEEZER” (KENNETH JOHNSON)/ CRAIG (FAUSTUS) BUCK/DIANE FROLOV/ HARRY AND RENEE LONGSTREET P: DEAN O’BRIEN Despite Michael Ironside joining the regular cast and an extended cameo from Dick Miller, this miniseries sequel (running approximately 270 mins) is even more generic and mind-numbing. Singer, Prine, Herd and Englund return. With ex-Dylan drummer Mickey Jones. A human woman gives birth to a reptile baby, but, worst of all, the visitors shoot a Bible! The concept finally completely gave in to a weekly tv sludge series.

VALENTINE (2001 US) D: JAMIE BLANKS W: DONNA & WAYNE POWERS/GRETCHEN J. BERG/AARON HARBERTS P: DYLAN SELLERS After their medical student friend (Katherine Heigl) is murdered, four attractive young women (Marley Shelton, Denise Richards, Jessica Capshaw and Jessica Cauffiel) receive threatening Valentine cards and end up offed by a figure in a cherub face mask. Could it be the nerd kid that was humiliated at a school dance? Useless post-SCREAM slasher flick has no tension, surprises, gore or nudity and too many lousy red herrings. It took four people to write this thing? With David Boreanaz, Daniel Cosgrove, Hedy Burress, Fulvio Cecere, Johnny Whitworth, Ty Olsson, Vanessa Volker and C. Ernst Harth. Stefanie Von Pfelten’s scenes were deleted.

THE VALLEY OF GWANGI (1969 US) D: JAMES O’CONNOLLY W: WILLIAM E. BAST/JULIAN MORE P: CHARLES H. SCHNEER James Franciscus stars as a wheeler-dealer who returns into the life of his ex, a female carnival rodeo star (Gila Golan, Miss Israel 1961, also in OUR MAN FLINT). She’s been given a miniature horse that’s allowed to escape so it can be tracked to its home. It turns out to be a hidden valley where pterodactyls, a triceratops and the “Gwangi” still live. The giant dinosaur is put on display in the rodeo but, of course, escapes. Originally planned by Willis O’Brien, Ray Harryahausen and Schneer (frequent collaborators) brought the project to life. It’s not the best of its type and spends too much time as a quaint western/comedy, but is fun and pays off with scenes of the Gwangi stomping through a huge cathedral in the finale (after chewing on a dwarf). With Richard Carlson, Laurence Naismith, Freda Jackson and Gustava Rojo. There’s also an animated “normal” elephant.

VALLEY OF THE ZOMBIES (1946 US) D: PHILIP FORD W/P: DORRELL McGOWAN W: ROYAL COLE/ SHERMAN LOWE P: STUART McGOWAN It’s a misleading title (no zombies, no valley), but this odd RETURN OF DR. X-copy programmer (56 b/w mins) is not too bad. Ian Keith is memorable as the creepy, goggle-eyed Ormand Murks, a top hat and caped undertaker, hypnotist and former mental patient thought to be dead. He’s alive and quite barmy, thinking he needs regular blood transfusions to stay immortal. At first he steals blood, but soon resorts (quite happily) to killing and embalming his victims. It doesn’t really make much sense, but it’s an engaging enough comic book-on-screen obscurity for fans of “Forgotten Horrors”. Doctor’s assistant Robert Livingston and his cute squeamish nurse (Adrian Booth aka Lorna Gray) investigate, and there’s some funny comic relief one-liners from them and the supporting cast: Thomas Jackson, Charles Trowbridge, Wilton Graff, Earle Hodgins, Chuck Hamilton, Wheaton Chambers, Russ Clark, LeRoy Mason, William Haade and Charles Cane. The Lydecker Bros (now forgotten but once legendary FX innovators) provide FX (but where exactly I can’t tell). I think Republic shot this back to back with CATMAN OF PARIS. Both Livingston and director Ford (nephew of John) were B western veterans.

VAMP (1986 US) D/W: RICHARD WENK W/P: DONALD P. BORCHERS College students visit the After Dark strip club to hire a stripper for their frat party. Grace Jones (doing a strip act designed by Keith Haring) is the main vampire, and it turns out they’re in a whole community of bloodsuckers. Dedee Pfeiffer (Michelle’s sister) is the waitress who helps them and Billy Drago is the head albino vampire (great casting). Not-bad, stylish tongue-in-cheek horror from New World.

THE VAMPIRE (mark of the vampire) (1957 US) D: PAUL LANDRES W: PAT FIELDER P: ARTHUR GARDNER/JULES V. LEVY John Beal stars as a small-town doctor who becomes addicted after accidentally taking some experimental pills given to him by a mysterious scientist on his deathbed. They release the darker animal instincts in living things, and build up a dependency that results in wild behaviour (Beal’s face gets crusty, and his eyebrows get bushier. And he kills). So this (pretty boring) b/w programmer is in fact closer to Jekyll & Hyde. Coleen Gray (THE LEECH WOMAN) is his nurse/receptionist in danger. With Kenneth Tobey, Dabbs Greer, Herb Vigran, Paul Brinegar, James Griffith, Budd Buster, Raymond Greenleaf, Mauritz Hugo, Walter Merrill, Anne O’Neal and producer Gardner. See also THE RETURN OF DRACULA (with a proper vampire).

THE VAMPIRE BAT (1933 US) D: FRANK STAYER W: EDWARD T. LOWE P: PHIL GOLDSTONE A small Poverty Row studio called Majestic borrowed some sets from Universal and hired Lionel Belmore and Dwight Frye to more or less re-enact their roles from the hits FRANKENSTEIN and DRACULA for this awkward b/w oddity. Lionel Atwill stars as a mad doctor who needs victims to feed to a lump in a tank of water that he’s trying to grow. Robert Frazer is his assistant who the locals think is some kind of bat. Fay Wray looks great as always and Melvyn Douglas is the hero. And what a supporting cast: William V. Mong, Maude Eburne, George E. Stone, Stella Adams, Harrison Greene, Fern Emmett, William Humphrey, Paul Weigel and Carl Stockdale. Not really very good and moves at a snail’s pace, but does have an atmosphere all its own that makes it worthwhile for vintage horror fans.

THE VAMPIRE BEAST CRAVES BLOOD See: THE BLOOD BEAST TERROR

VAMPIRE CASTLE See: CAPTAIN KRONOS, VAMPIRE HUNTER

VAMPIRE CIRCUS (1972 UK) D: ROBERT YOUNG W: JUDSON KINBERG/GEORGE BAXT W/P: WILBUR STARK It’s often dismissed as a lesser Hammer horror, but this is fun enough to be watchable. A cursed village is sealed off from the rest of the country, but a travelling circus manages to get in. The entertainers soon start to bewitch the villagers and reveal their vampiric tendencies. David Prowse (Darth Vader) is the strongman, with Thorley Walters, Anthony Higgins and a very brief but laughable sock-puppet panther. Shot back to back on the same sets with TWINS OF EVIL.

VAMPIRE ECSTASY (the veil of blood; devil’s plaything; veil of lust; der fluch der schwarzen schwestern; mote med djavulen; des pornografiske jungfrun) (1973 W.GER SWE SWITZ) D/W: JOSEPH W. SARNO P: CHRIS D. NEBE Three young girls and another woman (investigating the local superstitions) and her assistant brother end up at a remote castle where a woman keeps a bunch of naked chicks in a dungeon where they indulge in lesbian sex, or play with phallus-shaped candles. Not much happens apart from the nudity. It seems to last forever. Far from Sarno’s best.

VAMPIRE HOOKERS (sensuous vampires; ladies of the night; night of the bloodsuckers; twice bitten) (1979 PHIL) D: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO W: HOWARD COHEN P: ROBERT E. WATERS Sailors just arrived in Manila are seduced by three female vampires who live in a graveyard crypt with the poetry-spewing John Carradine (who insists “Shakespeare was a vampire”). They drink “Bloody Marys”. If you think that and fat Vic Diaz always farting is hilarious, then this pathetic comedy horror might be for you.

VAMPIRE HUNTER See: THE FORSAKEN

VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN (1995 US) D: WES CRAVEN W: CHARLES Q. MURPHY/MICHAEL LUCKER/ CHRIS DARKER/VERNON LYNCH W/P: EDDIE MURPHY P: MARK LIPSKY Eddie Murphy is a suave vampire who arrives in Brooklyn harbour and proceeds to woo cop Angela Bassett for his mate in this pretty flat black cast horror flick with comic moments. Kadeem Hardison is the rotting zombie comic relief Renfield character, and I guess Zakes Mokae is Van Helsing. With John Witherspoon, Joanna Cassidy, W. Earl Brown, Jerry Hall and Mitch Pileggi.

VAMPIRE IN VENICE (nosferatu in venice; nosferatu a venezia) (1986 ITL) D/W/P: AUGOSTINO CAMINITO D: KLAUS KINSKI/LUIGI COZZI/MARIO CAINANO/MAURIZIO LUCIDI W: CORTO ALBERTO ALFIENI/LAEANDRO LUCCHETTI/PASQUALE SQUITERY Kinski returns from the NOSFERATU remake in cool makeup and directed himself for a while after disagreeing with original director Caminito (before Cozzi and Lucidi finished up). There are long boring stretches where nothing happens at all. Someone was trying for a Herzog-style hypnotic feel. It didn’t work. With Christopher Plummer, Donald Pleasence, Clara Cologimo and Mickey Knox.

VAMPIRE JOURNALS (1996 US) D/W: TED NICOLAOU P: VLAD and DANA PAUNESCU Cheaplooking Romania-lensed Full Moon release is just like Nicolaou’s SUBSPECIES series, but not very good. A good vampire narrates the story of a fight with an evil vampire over a woman. Charles Band was the executive producer.

VAMPIRELLA (1996 US) D/P: JIM WYNORSKI W: GARY GERANI P: ANGELA BAYNES/PAUL HERTZBERG The planet Drakulan is inhabited by a race of peaceful vampires who drink warm blood from rivers (not shown). Roger Daltrey is a renegade vampire who murders a wise elder (Angus Scrimm) and escapes to Earth to spread “pseudo-vampirism” and become a rockstar in Vegas. Talisa Soto is Vampirella, who follows for revenge in her red vinyl bikini costume. She joins forces with an anti-vampire task force led by a descendant of Van Helsing’s. It’s based on associate producer Forrest J. Ackerman’s comic book and had the potential to be good fun. But as usual Wynorski couldn’t even direct traffic, leaving this a mildly diverting kids’ movie (bar the brief nudity). With Corinna Harney, Brian Bloom, Lee de Broux and John Landis and John Terlesky as astronauts. Ackerman has a cameo appearance and stock footage from Wynorski’s NOT OF THIS EARTH remake is used. Roger Corman was the executive producer.

THE VAMPIRE LOVERS (1970 UK) D: ROY WARD BAKER W: TUDOR GATES P: HARRY FINE/MICHAEL STYLE Sheridan Le Fanu’s Carmilla has been the basis for countless horrors over the years, and the slowly dying Hammer Studios made a loose trilogy of risqué (for the time and place) lesbian vampire films (this was followed by LUST FOR A VAMPIRE and TWINS OF EVIL). Of course the likes of Jesús Franco and Jean Rollin were doing a more fullblooded variation of the same thing elsewhere, but the citizens of heavily censored fortress Britain got their jollies from Madeline Smith and Kate O’Mara displaying their heaving bosoms. VAMPIRE LOVERS is probably the best of the three, with Peter Cushing on fine form decapitating vamps. But only Hammer completists will really appreciate it today. With Ingrid Pitt, Jon Finch, Dawn Addams, Ferdy Mayne and George Cole.

VAMPIRE MAN See: THE LADY VAMPIRE

VAMPIRE OF DR. DRACULA See: FRANKENSTEIN’S BLOODY TERROR

THE VAMPIRES (1961) See: GOLIATH AGAINST THE VAMPIRE

VAMPIRES (1997 US) D: JOHN CARPENTER W: DON JAKOBY P: SANDY KING James Woods is excellent (in a typical Carpenter/Kurt Russell role) as the leader of a heavily armed crew of vampire hunters working for the Catholic Church. Woods and Daniel Baldwin are the only two survivors after a massacre in Mexico when they tried to capture The Master (Thomas Ian Griffith), the original vampire. Woods claims that vampires “are not romantic”, a guy is sliced in half just like in JASON GOES TO HELL, and a head is punched off like in JASON GOES TO MANHATTAN (hmmm…). Vampires catch fire (like in NEAR DARK) and explode when they are exposed to sunlight. Based on a book by John Steakley, it begins like it might be Carpenter’s best in years, but loses it halfway through. With Sheryl Lee, Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa, Thomas Rosales Jr., Maximilian Schell as a cardinal, Tim Guinee, Mark Boone Jr. and a bit-part for director Frank Darabont. Carpenter also did the music. At least they didn’t do something stupid like cast Jon Bon Jovi in the lead…

VAMPIRE’S CALL (2005 NIG) D: KABAT ESOSA EGBON W: CHISSOM JULLIET OKEREKE P: KINGSLEY OKEREKE/IKECHUKINU ONYEKA/EMERA IGWEMBA A female doctor returns to her rural home village in Nigeria. She’s called out into the woods at night by a mysterious voice, which turns out to be a lovesick vampire that may have been killing the villagers. What that has to do with some very, very cheaplooking CGI skeleton and insect-like monster (that meows like a cat), I have no idea. Starring Justus Esiri and Muna Obieksue, it ends abruptly, leading to the “sequel” VAMPIRE’S CALL 2 (a separate release). Obviously the same film, split in twain. This continues, revealing a romantic tale of reincarnation that separates itself from regular vampire mythology. This, and the fact that it was the first Nigerian horror film I’d seen, made the talky, time-wasting bore of more interest than it should be (or might be to you).

VAMPIRE’S KISS (1989 US) D: ROBERT BIERMAN W: JOSEPH MINION P: BARRY SHILS/DEREK GIBSON/ JOHN DALY Nicolas Cage acts pretty entertainingly over the top and out of control in this more comedic update of MARTIN. He gets bitten by Jennifer Beals during a one-night stand and decides he’s a vampire. He bites victims with fake vampire teeth and abuses his secretary María Conchita Alonso (and eats cockroaches for real). With Kasi Lemmons, David Hyde Pierce and Debbie Rochon. Minion had scripted AFTER HOURS.

THE VAMPIRE’S LAST VICTIM See: THE PLAYGIRLS AND THE VAMPIRE

VAMPIRES: LOS MUERTOS (2001 US) D/W: TOMMY LEE WALLACE P: JACK LORENZ I was no fan of executive producer John Carpenter’s original VAMPIRES, but it was better than this terrible overderivative sequel from the director of HALLOWEEN 3 (who also has a small part). Jon Bon Jovi stars (already off to a bad start) as the leader of a grab bag bunch of vampire hunters (Natasha Gregson Wagner, Christian de la Fuente, Darius McCrary and Diego Luna) in Mexico after a powerful female bloodsucker (Arly Jover). Wagner has a psychic link with her after she was bitten by a vampire. She stays under control with drugs (like in THE FORSAKEN). Decapitated vamp heads catch fire in the sun. VAMPIRES: THE TURNING (2005) was no better.

THE VAMPIRES NIGHT ORGY (grave desires; la orgia nocturna de los vampiros) (1973 SPN) D: LEON KLIMOVSKY W: GABRIEL BIRGOS/ANTONIO FOS P: José FRADE A coachload of men and women hired to work in various positions at a remote estate end up stranded in a small town surrounded by mountains when their driver dies at the wheel en route. They are warmly greeted by the townsfolk, and the countess (Helga Line) who seems to run the place. But the residents seem to be vampires who roam in packs at night. Victims are either thrown to them like a bone to a dog, or a big butcher chops off limbs to be served up as food for their new guests. This very unusual and atmospheric horror gem is unlike most of the era, from the opening funeral scenes set to very un-horror movie music to the TWO THOUSAND MANIACS!-like ending. With Manuel de Blas and Luis Cigers. Klimovsky is most well-known for his frequent collaborations with Paul Naschy.

VAMPIRES OF HARLEM See: GANJA AND HESS

VAMPIRES OF PRAGUE See: MARK OF THE VAMPIRE

THE VAMPIRE’S RAPE See: RAPE OF THE VAMPIRE

VAMPIRE STORY See: THE RETURN OF COUNT YORGA

THE VAMPIRES VS. HERCULES See: HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD

VAMPIRE TERMINATOR See: REIGN IN DARKNESS

VAMPIRE THRILLS See: THE SHIVER OF THE VAMPIRES

VAMPIRE WOMEN See: RAPE OF THE VAMPIRE

THE VAMPIRE WOMEN See: VAMPYROS LESBOS

VAMPIRE OVER LONDON See: OLD MOTHER RILEY MEETS THE VAMPIRE

VAMPIRE PLAYGIRLS See: DEVIL’S NIGHTMARE

VAMPYR (1932 FRA GER) D/W/P: CARL THEODOR DREYER W: CHRISTEN JUL P: JULIAN WEST Very dull, mostly silent b/w mystery based on J. Sheridan Le Fanu’s In A Glass Darkly is tough to sit through nowadays, but is notable for its inventive photographic techniques thought up by Dreyer and cinematographer Rudolph Maté (WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE) that help lend it a dreamlike quality. Its most famous scene is the burial/coffin-with-glass-window dream sequence. Footage from this ended up in the lost 1943 compilation DR. TERROR’S HOUSE OF HORRORS. Producer West stars, with Maurice Shutz. [Illus.]

VAMPYRES (blood hunger; daughters of dracula; satan’s daughter) (1974 UK) D/W: José RAMON LARRAZ W: D. DAUBENEY/THOMAS OWEN P: BRIAN SMEDLEYASTON In one of the best of the 70s Euro lesbian vampire movies, Marianne Morris and Anulka star as very sexy female vampires who seduce men while out hitch-hiking and take them back to their castle and drain them of blood. Sally Faulkner spies from a nearby caravan (a role she reprised in PREY). With plenty of nice nudity and violence, this is an exploitation favourite that I had the pleasure of seeing on a large screen when London’s Eurofest used to be good. With Michael Byrne, Bessie Love and Elliott Sullivan.

VAMPYROS LESBOS (vampiros lesbos; the heiress of dracula; the heritage of dracula; lesbian vampires; the sign of the vampire; el signo del vampire; the strange adventures of jonathan harker; the vampire women; las vampiras) (1970 SPN W.GER) D/W: JESÚS FRANCO W: JAIME CHAVARRI P: ARTHUR BRAUNER A female accountant who has bizarre erotic dreams (apparently, looks like a kite flying to me) goes to an island off Istanbul to settle the castle inheritance of a countess (Soledad Miranda). After being seduced, the accountant ends up as a Renfield-type in a mental asylum. Dennis Price is her doctor who believes in vampires. Franco himself has a role as a disturbed sadist. The camera and editing are typically all over the place in this almost good erotic horror that has an interesting soundtrack and some nudity. With Paul Muller. Above average for Franco, but that’s not really saying much. His BRAM STOKER’S COUNT DRACULA from the same year was superior, though.

THE VAN (chevy van) (1976 US) D: SAM GROSSMAN W: CELIA SUSAN COTELO/ROB ROSENTHAL P: PAUL LEWIS A teen virgin buys a Chevy van with a waterbed and ceiling mirror in the back to pick up chicks. He doesn’t get much luck, there’s barely any nudity and it ends up concentrating on a love story (and a van race). And it’s not funny either. Danny DeVito has a part.

VAN HELSING (2004 US CZE) D/W/P: STEPHEN SOMMERS P: BOB DUCSAY X-MEN star Hugh Jackman is an action hero Van Helsing in this mostly depressing and empty eye candy period horror adventure FX hit. As well as vampires (including Richard Roxburgh as Dracula), there’s Frankenstein’s monster and a big Mr. Hyde (Robbie Coltrane) as in THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN. Kate Beckinsale (star of the intolerable UNDERWORLD, which makes this look good) co-stars. With David Wenham, Elena Anaya, Will Kemp, Alun Armstrong, Samuel West, Marek Vasut and Martin Klebba. It was filmed in Prague, Rome, Paris, California and Florida. An animated half-hour prequel was VAN HELSING: THE LONDON ASSIGNMENT. Sommers’ THE MUMMY was a lot more fun.

VANILLA SKY (2001 US) D/W/P: CAMERON CROWE P: TOM CRUISE/PAULA WAGNER Tom Cruise is a womanising, wealthy hotshot who inherited his father’s publishing company in this remake of OPEN YOUR EYES. Penélope Cruz reprises her role and Cameron Diaz is a creepy stalker responsible for a car crash that leaves Cruise disfigured. Or did it really happen? More what-is-reality shenanigans from the millennium era glutted with such product. If you’ve seen the original, then there’s no point watching this despite some diversions from the original story (it’s more clear-cut and less ambiguous). But if you’ve seen this, the same applies vice versa. Slick, well made and very watchable, but you will forget it soon. With Kurt Russell, Jason Lee, Timothy Spall, Johnny Galecki, Noah Taylor, Tilda Swinton, W. Earl Brown, Alicia Witt, Conan O’Brien, Tommy Lee, Laura Fraser and Steven Spielberg.

THE VANISHING (spoorloos; l’homme qui voulait savoir) (1988 NETH FRA) D/W/P: GEORGE SLUIZER W: TIM KRABBE P: ANNE GORDON A Dutch couple are on a motoring holiday in France. She (Johanna ter Steege) goes missing at a motorway service station, and three years later he (Gene Bervoets) is still searching for her. Bernard-Pierre Donnadieu is a family man “sociopath” who taunts Bervoets, and eventually agrees to meet with him and explain what happened to her. This low-key and deliberately paced thriller really gets under your skin, and the end is truly chilling. With Roger Souza and Pierre Forget. It’s based on Krabbé’s novel The Golden Egg. Sluizer (who remade it in Hollywood) also edited this classic of its kind.

THE VANISHING (1992 US) D: GEORGE SLUIZER W: TODD GRAFF P: LARRY BREZNER/PAUL SCHIFF Hollywood remake has Jeff Bridges as the kidnapper (with a Dutch accent, which was not a good idea) and Kiefer Sutherland as the guy searching for his missing girlfriend (Sandra Bullock). Nancy Travis acts the same as she always does as Sutherland’s new girl (a substantially bigger part than in the original). I respect the fact that Sluizer tried to approach this from a different angle rather than a direct retread, but it’s obvious he has nothing new of worth to add to the story, and the lighter cop-out ending really ruins it. With Lisa Eichhorn. Stick with the original and check out Sluizer’s other (underrated) Englishlanguage film CRIMETIME.

THE VANISHING BODY See: THE BLACK CAT (1934)

VANISHING CHASE See: FELONY

VANISHING IN 60 See: GONE IN 60 SECONDS (1974)

VANISHING ON 7TH STREET (reset) (2010 US) D: BRAD ANDERSON W: ANTHONY JAWINSKI P: NORTON HERRICK/CELEINE RATTRAY A city is suddenly engulfed in electrical blackouts, during which everyone disappears (leaving their clothes and belongings behind). A small cluster of survivors try to get through the increasingly longer nights with artificial light, as shadowy predators wait to take them any time they step out of it. There are some nice ideas in this odd thriller with almost biblical Rapture overtones and no proper ending, but it is mostly dull and suffers from serious casting issues. Putting Hayden Christensen in anything is always bad news. I like John Leguizamo and Thandie Newton, but they are in the wrong place here. Eco-message? Political allegory? With no dramatic interest, it’s a moot point. A major misstep from the director of the underrated SESSION 9 and THE MACHINIST (2004).

VANISHING POINT (1971 US) D: RICHARD SARAFIAN W: “GUILLERMO CAIN” (GUILLERMO CABERA INFANTE)/BARRY HALL/MALCOLM HART P: NORMAN SPENCER Kowalski (Barry Newman) is a ’nam vet ex-cop race car driver who’s driving his Dodge Challenger at top speed from Denver (at midnight) to San Francisco (by 3 PM the next day), stopping only for gas and amphetamines. Cops try to stop him with roadblocks while others (like Cleavon Little as DJ and “guide” Super Soul) see him as the last outlaw hero. Unique road movie classic exists in two versions, with or without Charlotte Rampling as a hitch-hiker. With Dean Jagger, Paul Koslo and Rita Coolidge.

VANISHING POINT (1996 US) D/W: CHARLES ROBERT CARNER W: MALCOLM HART I guess it’s just as merely ok as you’d expect from a 25th anniversary tv remake, but it completely misses the point by explaining too much and giving Kowalski (Viggo Mortensen) motivation (his wife Christine Elise is in hospital having a miscarriage or something). And who did they replace Supersoul with? Jason Priestley (what!?) as the (preachy) “voice”. Keith David (FBI) and Steve Railsback (highway patrol) are the oppressive law figures. John Doe and Peta Wilson hang out in the desert. They changed the ending, too.

THE VAULT OF HORROR (tales from the crypt, part ii) (1973 UK US) D: ROY WARD BAKER W/P: MILTON SUBOTSKY P: MAX J. ROSENBERG Five men in an elevator are taken to the basement and can’t escape. So they make themselves comfortable and tell each other about their dreams. Amicus’ follow up to TALES FROM THE CRYPT is uneven in tone, but well worth a look. Daniel Massey is a murderous cad who finds himself on-tap at a vampire restaurant. Terry-Thomas is a neat-freak, recently married, whose wife (Glynis Johns) finally has enough. These are both perfect, ghoulish nuggets, totally in tune with the EC Comics stories from which they are derived. Curt Jürgens and wife Dawn Addams are a magic act searching for new material in India. They kill a girl for her Indian rope trick. Fun, but (dare I say it) somewhat ropey. The silliest tale is related by Michael Craig, whose plan to have himself buried alive and collect on the insurance is disrupted by a couple of opportunist medical students (Robin Nedwell and Geoffrey Davies, famous tv doctors at the time). Finally, a bearded Tom Baker stars as an artist on a Haitian island who visits a witch doctor, and travels to London to use voodoo to exact revenge on those who cheated him out of money. Things that he draws soon become true (there’s something a bit WIZARD OF GORE about this one). The wraparound ending is surprisingly sombre. With Edward Judd, Anna Massey, Terence Alexander, Denholm Elliott, Arthur Mullard, Mike Pratt, Marianne Stone, Erik Chitty, Frank Forsyth, and the tie-in novelisation for the original CRYPT makes an appearance. A third proposed EC movie was scrapped, so Amicus’ last anthology became FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. Baker later directed THE MONSTER CLUB at ITC for Subotsky.

VEILED THREAT See: THREAT

THE VEIL OF BLOOD See: VAMPIRE ECSTASY

VEIL OF LUST See: VAMPIRE ECSTASY

VELOCITY See: THE WILD RIDE (1960)

VELVET GOLDMINE (1997 UK US) D/W: TODD HAYNES W: JAMES LYONS P: CHRISTINE VACHON Many people accused this glam rock remembrance movie as being overly pretentious, but it’s ok and how can you make a movie about glam rock without being pretentious? Christian Bale is the journalist trying to find out what happened to 70s glam sensation Brian Slade (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) who faked his own onstage assassination. Ewan McGregor is top-billed as American Curt Wild (a kind of Iggy Pop/Lou Reed amalgamation). A character called Jack Fairy is (I think) supposed to be David Bowie. It doesn’t exactly go anywhere, but is more successful than Haynes’ earlier SAFE. With alleged comedian Eddie Izzard, Toni Collette, Emily Woolf and Brian Molko from Placebo. Michael Stipe acted as executive producer. Around the same time this was released, Gary Glitter was charged with downloading child porn off the internet.

THE VELVET VAMPIRE (1971 US) D/W: STEPHANIE ROTHMAN W: MAURICE JULES W/P: CHARLES S. SWARTZ Celeste Yarnall seems to be a modern-day vampire, who lives in a beautiful ranch home in the Mojave Desert, and drives a yellow dune-buggy. She picks up a groovy married couple (Michael Blodgett and sexy blonde Sherry Miles, prior to her being a Hee Haw honey the following year) at a hippy art gallery, and they visit her home (he wants to fuck her). Yarnall mourns over her dead husband’s grave (with an unsubtle “Le Fanu” marking on the headstone) and seduces the bickering couple (who experience surreal, Dalìesque dreams). Odd, slow-moving horror (Americans influenced by Jean Rollin?) is not up to much, but has a weird ending in which crucifixbrandishing hippies save the day. The best part is seeing old bluesman Johnny Shines performing Evil Hearted Woman. Look for Robert Tessier as a biker. The last film Rothman (and husband Swartz) made for New World; they soon jumped ship with Lawrence Woolner and ran his Dimension Pictures for him (making a trio of films, starting with the 1973 sex comedy GROUP MARRIAGE).

VENGEANCE (kung fu vengeance; deadly duo; chap chau; zhi chou) (1970 HK) D/W: CHANG CHEH W: I. KUANG P: RUNME SHAW David Chiang earned himself a Chinese Best Actor Oscar equivalent for his portrayal of a man who returns to his home town to find his brother murdered by a gang of villains. He tracks down the guilty parties and kills them in this deliberately paced, effective homage to POINT BLANK. Another fine entry in Chang Cheh’s filmography (and other good I. Kuang script). The progressive choreography is from Tang Chia and Yuen Cheung Yan. With Chen Kuan Tai, Cheng Hong Yip, Yuen Woo Ping, Shum Lo, Kok Lee Yan, Bruce Tong, Wong Ching, Jason Pai Piao, Wong Pau Gei, Yen Shi-Kwan, Chan Chuen, Wong Chung, Cliff Lok, Hsu Hsia, Yuen Shun Yi, Fung Hak On, Yueng Chi Hing and Wong Ching Ho.

VENGEANCE IS MINE (1974) See: SUNDAY IN THE COUNTRY

VENGEANCE IS MINE (fukushu suru wa ware ni ari) (1979 JPN) D: SHOHEI IMAMURA W: MASARU BABA P: KAZUO INOUE Ken Ogata gives the performance of his life as a troublesome, restless, no good son of persecuted (in the nationalist 1930s) Christians, who grows up to be a travelling confidence trickster, thief and serial killer in the early 60s. Utilising flashbacks and sometimes even sidelining Ogata to concentrate on other characters (his long-suffering wife and father, played by Mitsuko Baissho and Rentaro Mikuni, for example), this over two-hour masterpiece is wide in scope, with a breathtaking dose of real, authentic humanity that never strains to explain, overstate or condone. It simply documents, a style which allows for the occasional organic artistic flourish to really chill to the bone, without missing a beat or interfering with the story at hand. That’s enough hyperbole from me, do yourself a favour and check it out ASAP. Based on a novel by Ryuzo Saki. With Mayumi Ogawa, Nijiko Kiyokawa, Chocho Miyako, Moeko Ezawa, Shohei Hino, Yoshi Kato, Frankie Sakai, Chochio Kawaraki, Kazuo Kitamura, Toshio Negishi and Kin Sugai. Imamura made the controversial WHY NOT? (1981) next.

THE VENGEANCE OF FU MANCHU (die rache der dr. fu manchu) (1967 UK IRE W.GER) D: JEREMY SUMMERS W/P: “PETER WELBECK” (HARRY ALAN TOWERS) Third in the surprisingly dull Anglo-Amalgamated series has Fu Manchu (Christopher Lee) holed up at a palace (Shaw Bros sets) in the mountains of Northern China. He has a kidnapped surgeon (Wolfgang Kieling) to turn one of his Chinese minions into a double of Scotland Yard nemesis Nayland Smith (Douglas Wilmer)! The mute clone is put on trial for murder while Fu Manchu deals with an ambassador for the gangsters of America (the not very American Horst Frank, in a cowboy hat). More boring than it is ridiculous, and it is very ridiculous. With Tsai Chin as Fu Manchu’s sadist daughter, Maria Rohm (who’s tortured), Tony Ferrer, Howard Marion-Crawford, Peter Carsten, Eddie Byrne, a hardly-in-it Burt Kwouk and Siu Gam (the Chinese Richard Kiel, from 1978’s 72 DESPERATE REBELS) as a big henchman. Mostly shot on location in Ireland. Summers (who generally worked in tv) also helmed FIVE GOLDEN DRAGONS for Towers the same year. THE BLOOD OF FU MANCHU was next in the series.

THE VENGEANCE OF THE MONSTER See: DAIMAJIN

VENGEANCE OF THE MUMMY (santo en la venganza de la momia) (1970 MEX) D: RENÉ CARDONA W: ALFREDO SALAZAR P: GUILLERMO CALDERON ISANTO In the masked wrestler Santo’s 30th screen adventure, he escorts an expedition into the jungle to an Apache tomb. The mummy of Prince Nonoc (buried alive in a flashback straight from old Universal flicks) comes to life and kills. He looks cool, but a good tip-off that he’s an impostor in a mask could be his use of a bow and arrow!? Santo wrestles a real black panther. His real son (future El Hijo de Santo) is in the cast. The mummy and atmospheric real caves where it was shot helped me enjoy this one. Real wrestling bouts bookmark the adventure and pad out the running time. With Eric del Castillo, Carlo Suarez and Rene Barrera. Not to be confused with the 1973 Paul Naschy vehicle VENGEANCE OF THE MUMMY.

VENGEANCE OF THE ZOMBIES See: HORROR RISES FROM THE TOMB

VENGEANCE: THE DEMON See: PUMPKINHEAD

VENOM (1982 UK) D: PIERS HAGGARD W: ROBERT CARRINGTON P: MARTIN BREGMAN Klaus Kinski, Oliver Reed and Susan George take a kid hostage in London (when their kidnapping plan fails). A black mamba is loose in the house. Interesting and suspenseful to begin with, but becomes clear early on that it’s not really going anywhere. With Sterling Hayden as the ex-safari grandfather, Nicol Williamson, Edward Hardwicke, Alan Ford and Michael Gough in a small, nothing part. Based on Alan Scholefield’s novel.

VENOMOUS (hot zone) (2001 US) D: “ED RAYMOND” (FRED OLEN RAY) W: DAN GOLDEN/ SEAN McGINLY P: ALISON SEMENZA/“NOBLE HENRY” (JIM WYNORSKI) Snakes with a highly contagious genetically engineered virus escape from a top secret plant. They breed and attack a small town in the Mojave Desert after earthquakes disturb them. Treat Williams is the hero doctor searching for a vaccine while military types want to firebomb the place to cover things up. Formulaic OUTBREAK copy from Phoenician Entertainment. With Hannes Jaenicke, Andrew Stevens, Greg Collins, Anthony John Denison and footage from DELTA FORCE 2 and SPECIES.

VENOM WARRIORS See: SHAOLIN DAREDEVILS

THE VENUS FLY TRAP See: REVENGE OF DR. X

VENUS IN FURS (1967 US) D/W: JOE MARZANO W: “ELINORE” (BARBARA ELLEN) P: LOU CAMPA Released by Harry Novak’s Boxoffice International, this amazing b/w arty/nudie movie filmed in New York is (as far as I know) the first feature based on Leopold von Sacher-Masoch’s late-19th century erotic novel (later filmed by Dallamano, Franco and some Dutch filmmakers in 1994). A confused, semimasochistic shoe salesman crawls around fitting heels on demanding women’s feet at work, and dreams (or does he?) about an orgy at “Elinore” (co-writer Ellen)’s home. The guests get up to all sorts of kinky, fetishistic games, my favourite being the girl who bathes in milk and later laps it up from a bowl. Often surreal, sexy and a downright (oddball) pleasure to watch. With music by Vito And The Vikings! Campa directed COOL IT BABY and MINISKIRT LOVE the same year. All three are available on a recommended bargain dvd from Something Weird Video/Image Entertainment. Marzano (who’s also in it) seems to have been a busy figure in the New York art/indie underground film scene from the late-40s up to his death in 2000. He and Nathan Schiff (WEASELS RIPPED MY FLESH etc.) both worked on the wonderfully titled short KUNG FU GHANDI (1986).

VENUS THE NINJA See: MATCHING ESCORT

VENUS: WOLF NINJA See: MATCHING ESCORT

VERA CRUZ (1954 US) D: ROBERT ALDRICH W: ROLAND KIBBEE/JAMES R. WEBB/BORDEN CHASE P: JAMES HILL Gary Cooper and Burt Lancaster are Americans south of the border in Mexico during a civil war. They are hired by the oppressive soldiers under Maximilian’s command to help escort a carriage filled with gold to the port of Veracruz. Copper is the kind of hero in this pretty good, different western. But it’s no classic and far from Aldrich’s best. With Cesar Romero, Jack Elam, Ernest Borgnine, Charles Bronson, Jack Lambert, James Seay, Charles Horvath, Juan Garcia, Sara Montiel, George Macready, Morris Ankrum and Henry Brandon.

VERSUS (2000 JPN) D/W: RYUHEI KITAMURA W: YUDAI YAMAGUCHI A bunch of gangsters and an escaped convict (star Tak Sakaguchi) meet up in some woods where the dead refuse to stay that way. As soon as someone is shot, they return as a bloodthirsty (and extremely agile) zombie. A girl on the scene complicates matters with some kind of timeless love triangle plot. This low-budget fusion of gore, action and martial arts was a surprise hit in Japan and abroad (where it’s sometimes available in cut and uncut versions). I’ll admit to being impressed by some of the kinetic visuals and it’s definitely a cut above most posturing fanboy zombie movies, but it still is just exactly that, so ultimately becomes tiresome.

VERTICAL LIMIT (2000 US GER) D/P: MARTIN CAMPBELL W/P: ROBERT KING W: TERRY HAYES P: LLOYD PHILLIPS Bill Paxton is a selfish Texan billionaire who wants to ascend the K2 mountain in the Himalayas in record time for a publicity stunt. A storm kills off most of the team leaving only him, guide Nicholas Lea and professional female climber Robin Tunney trapped in a crack in the glacier. Tunney’s brother Chris O’Donnell (the hero) leads a rescue party that includes chanting, toeless Scott Glenn, Izabella Scorupco, two comic relief Australians and a Pakistani. They carry nitroglycerine on their backs just so we can have more cliffhanger scenes in this adequate summer blockbuster that isn’t well-written or directed enough to be truly thrilling (and it’s overlong). With Roshan Seth, Temuera Morrison, Stuart Wilson, David Hayman and Noah Taylor.

VERTIGO (1958 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: ALEC COPPEL/SAMUEL TAYLOR James Stewart (in his final Hitchcock movie) is an acrophobic San Francisco cop who’s asked to tail Kim Novak who may have another personality in this infamous classic that needs no more explanation from me. Suffice to say the story gets much more complex and disturbing. It’s been copied so many times in so many ways that you’d think viewing it now would be a let-down, but the great script (based on the novel Seuers Froides by Pierre Boileau and Thomas Narcejac), inspired direction and hypnotic Bernard Herrmann score still seem fresh. John Fulton created the great visual FX for the hallucination/dream sequences. With Henry Jones, Ellen Corby, Raymond Bailey, Lee Patrick, Paul Bryar, Bess Flowers, Fred Graham, Forbes Murray, Jeffrey Sayre and Hitchcock.

VERY BAD THINGS (very bad wedding) (1998 US) D/W: PETER BERG P: MICHAEL SCHIFFER/CINDY COWAN/DIANE NABATOFF Jon Favreau is about to be married to Cameron Diaz, so goes to Las Vegas with some friends (Jeremy Piven, Daniel Stern, Leland Orser and executive producer Christian Slater) for a wild drink and drugs bachelor party. Carla Scott (aka porn star Kobe Tai) is a prostitute who Piven accidentally kills in the bathroom during sex. The desperate, ever-spiralling out of control events go on from there in this surprisingly sick black comedy from actor Berg (his debut in fact). Slater (“I’m a fucking lighthouse, man”) is pretty great as the slimy, positive-minded executive type who sorts things out so they don’t get caught. With Daniel Stern, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Lawrence Pressman and a great ending. Unfortunately this very brave and different major release didn’t find much of an audience, but should become a cult favourite on video. The earlier, more serious STAG had the same basic story.

V FOR VENDETTA (2005 US GER) D: JAMES McTEIGUE W/P: ANDY and LARRY WACHOWSKI P: GRANT HILL/JOEL SILVER In a Fascist future London, a masked figure called V (the never recognisable Hugo Weaving) plots against the totalitarian state in a manner inspired by Guy Fawkes. The idea of a major release sympathetic to a terrorist underground who put explosives on tube trains was not welcome post 7/7/2005, so this had to wait until the following year to find a release. Everyone went gaga about how fantastic it was, but I wish they’d reeled themselves in a bit. It’s pretty good big-budget entertainment… and that’s it. Natalie Portman stars as the terrorist sympathiser who gets her head shaved. With Stephen Rea, Stephen Fry, John Hurt on the other side of the 1984 fence, Tim Pigot-Smith, Rupert Graves, Roger Allam, Ben Miles, Sinéad Cussack, John Standing and Eddie Marsan. The directorial debut for a guy who was the assistant director on the Wachowskis’ MATRIX movies is based on a DC comic book by Alan Moore (who hates all adaptations of his work, and remains uncredited) and David Lloyd.

VICARIOUS See: SURROGATES

VICE SQUAD (1982 US) D/W: GARY A. SHERMAN W: SANDY HOWARD/KENNETH PETERS/ROBERT VINCENT O’NEILL P: BRIAN FRANKISH LA hooker Season Hubley is blackmailed by a cop into framing a mean, sadistic pimp called Ramrod (Wings Hauser, who also sings the great/terrible theme tune, Neon Slime, with relish). But Ramrod gets free and stalks Hubley with vengeance in mind. Not as great or outrageous as you may have heard, this is an above average street-level thriller with some fun characters. With Nina Blackwood, Jonathan Haze (in his last non-tv role to date), Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith, Pepe Serna, Grand L. Bush, Michael Ensign and Robert Miano. John Alcott (Kubrick’s regular cinematographer) shot it, and Frank Capra Jr. (!) was an executive producer. The same year Sherman helmed the pre-Heaven’s Gate tv movie MYSTERIOUS TWO. O’Neill returned with the LA streetwalker hit ANGEL.

VICE VERSA (1988 US) D: BRIAN GILBERT W/P: DICK CLEMENT/IAN LA FRENAIS Popular (in the UK) tv sitcom writers Clement and La Frenais rewrote the 1948 movie and it turned up in that glut of late-80s bodyswap comedies (LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON, 18 AGAIN etc.). Judge Reinhold is an executive yuppie who swaps with estranged son Fred Savage thanks to a magic skull from Bangkok. With Swoosie Kurtz, William Prince, Jane Kaczmarek, David Proval, James Hong, Richard Kind and Ajay Naidu.

VICIOUS See: FANGS

VICIOUS VIRGINS See: THE BLACK BUNCH

THE VICTIM (1972) See: STRAIGHT ON TILL MORNING

THE VICTIM (1973) See: AUTOPSY

THE VICTIM (guen bat yau gei; juan bu you ji) (1980 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG W: LAU TIN CHI P: WONG FUNG/KARL MAKA Sammo plays a happy-go-lucky bumbler and excellent fighter looking for someone who can beat him to become his teacher. His choice is the reluctant Leung Kar Yan (from WARRIORS TWO) who’s running from his evil common-law brother (Chang Yi with an eyepatch) who’s trying to steal his wife. Some unexpected twists are the icing on the cake for this typically high-quality Sammo kung fu comedy. Likeable lowbrow gags and brutal bone-crushing choreography (by Sammo’s team, including Yuen Biao) elevate it to (almost) the level of the classic THE PRODIGAL SON. With Chung Faat, Wilson Tong. Peter Chan Lung, Yuen Miu, Karl Maka, Billy Chan, Lam Chin Ying, Yue Tau Wan, Cheung Hei, Yuen Biao, David Wu Dai Wa, Shum Wai and music from Frankie Chan.

VICTIM (1980/II) See: GROUPY

VICTIMIZED See: THE CALENDAR GIRL MURDERS

THE VIDEO DEAD (1986 US) D/W/P: ROBERT SCOTT Zombies emerge from a haunted tv set that can cause hallucinations in this very cheap-looking oddity. They laugh at a food mixer and stick someone in an upright washing machine. A teenage boy and a clichéd Texan use a bow and arrow and a chainsaw to hunt them. One of the living dead looks like a mouldy Billy Drago! It’s pretty stupid, but does have a following, believe it or not.

VIDEODROME (zonekiller) (1982 CAN US) D/W: DAVID CRONENBERG P: CLAUDE HEROUX After the slightly disappointing SCANNERS Cronenberg made this unique ahead-of-its-time classic. James Woods is Max Renn who works for a Toronto cable channel finding new (controversial) material to broadcast. He discovers a mysterious broadcast that looks like snuff, the signal coming from Pittsburgh. A conspiracy involving hallucination-inspiring brain tumours and right-wing politics is uncovered. To tell you any more would spoil your enjoyment of Cronenberg’s unwavering trail of logic that lies at the heart of his best work. Deborah Harry is the masochistic DJ love interest. With Leslie Carlson, Jayne Eastwood and Rick Baker and Steve Johnson FX. Some versions are missing gore and nudity but feature extra footage. There are also versions that combine the two. Cronenberg was inspired by a real-life cable channel called City TV and the snuff footage from EMANUELLE IN AMERICA. “Television is reality, and reality is less than television”. Cronenberg made THE DEAD ZONE next.

THE VIENNA STRANGLER See: THE STRANGLER OF VIENNA

A VIEW TO A KILL (1985 UK) D: JOHN GLEN W: RICHARD MAIBAUM P: ALBERT BROCCOLI W/P: MICHAEL G. WILSON The final Roger Moore Bond movie benefits from having Christopher Walken as the villain. He’s a Nazi genetic experiment (!?) all grown-up as an evil industrialist planning to flood Silicon Valley. He couldn’t shake off the villain stereotyping after this memorable performance. Grace Jones is his mistress, and check out Dolph Lundgren in his bit-part debut. With Tanya Roberts, Patrick Macnee, Fiona Fullerton, Patrick Bauchau, Desmond Llewelyn, Lois Maxwell, Walter Gotell, Geoffrey Keen, Jean Rougerie, Gerard Buhr and Maud Adams.

VIGILANTE (street gang; vigilante force) (1983 US) D/P: WILLIAM LUSTIG W: RICHARD VETERE P: ANDREW GARRONI Blue-collar workers led by Fred Williamson decide to take the law into their own hands and punish NYC street scum whom the corrupt, inadequate justice system leaves free to kill, rape and deal drugs again. Robert Forster stars as a mechanic whose liberal ideals are forgotten when his wife is sliced-up and raped and his little boy blown to pieces with a shotgun. It’s a good, gritty revenge flick with some excellent location work. Woody Strode is a friendly convict and Joe Spinnell (star of Lustig’s infamous MANIAC) is a crooked defence attorney (his real-life mother can also be seen). With Steve James and Henry Baker. Lustig didn’t direct again until MANIAC COP. [Illus.]

VIGILANTE II See: STREET LAW

VIGILANTE FORCE See: VIGILANTE

VIJ (viy, or spirit of evil) (1967 SVU) D/W: ALEKSANDR PTUSHKO/GEORGI KROPACHYOV W: KONSTANTIN YERSHOV A drunken, philandering Russian priest (Leonid Kuravlyov, who looks kinda like an unshaven Edward Norton) encounters a witch who rides him through the sky, before turning into a beautiful young woman when he strangles her. He is then summoned to a wealthy landowner’s ranch on the wishes of his recently deceased young daughter. The daughter turns out to be the witch in disguise, but the priest must spend three nights with the body in a makeshift church/crypt. He prays, terrified inside a sacred circle while the witch floats and tries to get at him for the first two nights. On the third night a skeleton walks, hands emerge from the walls and some truly bizarre demons break the circle (Ptushko was also responsible for the FX). A great colour fantasy made even more fascinating by the period detail unfamiliar to non-Soviet viewers. The same story (by Nikolai Gogol) was the basis for Mario Bava’s classic THE MASK OF SATAN. A double bill would be immense!

VIKING QUEEN (1966 UK) D: DON CHAFFEY W: CLARK REYNOLDS W/P: JOHN TEMPLE-SMITH Don Murray is a Roman Governor General who rules over Britain in 1st century AD. He falls for “Viking Queen” Carita Jarniven and allows her to rule her own people, and often accepts her advice on how to deal with the locals. This Hammer Studios mishmash of history throws in sacrificing Druids (!) led by Donald Huston to propel the story, which is actually enjoyable costume drama epic-wannabe hokum. Andrew Keir is Murray’s devious second in command who wants Carita out of the way for full, oppressive control of the country. With Niall MacGinnis, Adrienne Corri, Patrick Troughton and Percy Herbert.

VIKING WOMEN AND THE SEA SERPENT See: THE SAGA OF THE VIKING WOMEN AND THEIR VOYAGE TO THE WATERS OF THE GREAT SEA SERPENT

VILLAGE OF EIGHT GRAVESTONES (yatsu hakamura) (1977 JPN) D/P: YOSHITARO NOMURA W: SHINOBU HASHIMOTO P: SHIGEMI TSUGITACHI/ AKIRA ODA Kennichi Hagiwara stars as one of those guys who guides in aeroplanes on the runway (I believe they are called signallers), who’s summoned to a small mountain village, as his real, estranged father (Tsutomu Yamazaki) is on his deathbed. This 150 mins murder mystery is based on a novel by Seishi Yokomizo, and stars Kiyoshi Atsumi (of the enormously popular TORA-SAN series) as detective Kosuke Kindaichi. The plot involves a labyrinth of secret tunnels, mass killings, beheadings and a 16th century curse. It’s really rather good. With Etsuko Ichihara, Masami Shimojo, Kunie Tanaka, Mayumi Ogawa, Yoko Yamamoto, Takuya Fujioka, Atomu Shimojo, Shoji Otaki, Isao Hashimoto, Morio Kosome, Kibaji Tankobo, Hisashi Igawa and Yoshi Kato. Not part of the hit 70s Kindaichi series by Kon Ichikawa, this one’s from the director of THE DEMON. It was remade in 1996.

VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (1960 UK) D/W: WOLF RILLA W: STERLING SILLIPHANT W/P: “GEORGE BARCLAY” (RONALD KINNOCH) Based on John Wyndham’s The Midwich Cuckoos, this b/w favourite is not quite the classic some claim, but it is a superior chiller that’s well worth checking out. A mysterious force field engulfs a small rural village, causing all the residents to black out for a few hours. When they awake, twelve of the women are immediately pregnant. The resulting children are all very blonde (and very white), creepy and clever little bastards who are obviously not completely of this Earth. Martin Stephens (also in the classic THE INNOCENTS) is the gang leader, and his “father” George Sanders is the hero. Memorable finale is very effective. With Laurence Naismith, Richard Vernon, John Stuart and Peter Vaughan. According to IMDb, future porn director Paul Norman plays one of the kids, but he would have been four, so a different guy with the same name, I think. CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED was the sequel.

VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (1995 US) D: JOHN CARPENTER W: DAVID HIMMELSTEIN/LARRY SULKIS P: MICHAEL PREGER/SANDY KING Christopher Reeve stars in this colour remake. It’s not bad as remakes go, but is still ultimately futile because a remake simply wasn’t necessary. There are more action and explosions and a man dropping onto a barbecue during the blackout is a good example of how they tried to up the gore ante. With Kirstie Alley, Linda Kozlowski, Michael Pare, Mark Hamill, Meredith Salinger, Buck Flower, Peter Jason and Carpenter. Villagers still carry burning torches, though.

VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS (1965 US) D/W/P: BERT I. GORDON W: ALAN CAILLOU Ron Howard is a bespectacled kid scientist who accidentally creates a formula that causes animals (first a cat and then some ducks who invade a teen dance!) to grow. Star Tommy Kirk fends off a big tarantula in the basement and folks enjoy a giant chicken barbecue. Trouble-making teens led by Beau Bridges (who are first seen crashing their car and then celebrating by dancing wildly in wet mud) drink the formula, lose their clothes, wear togas and decide to take their revenge on adults who order them around (including sheriff Joseph Turkel). This silly but fun B.I.G. movie is much less serious than his earlier giant stuff films, and even has a gag ending involving dwarfs on a pilgrimage. With Toni Basil, Tim Rooney, Rance Howard, Felix Silla, Freddie Cannon and The Beau Brummels.

VINDICATOR (1984) See: WHEELS OF FIRE

THE VINEYARD (1988 US) D/W: JAMES HONG D: WILLIAM RICE W: DOUGLAS CONDO/JAMES MARLOWE W/P: HARRY MOK P: JAMES A. VILONA Busy Asian-American character actor Hong codirects this unsuccessful horror movie that copies MOTEL HELL and various Hong Kong fantasies. He also stars as the mad doctor who plants zombies in the vineyard, uses blood as fertiliser and sells the resulting life-rejuvenating wine. Lots of things that should be cool (vomiting spiders etc.) aren’t. With Robert Ito and James Russo.

VIOLATED (1953 US) D: WALTER STRATE W: WILLIAM (PAUL) MISHKIN P: WIM HOLLAND Associate producer Mishkin (a notorious skinflint producer most well-known for backing several Andy Milligan pictures, he died in 1997) had been in business as a distributor since ’49, but this was his first original production (in which he has an on-screen part). The police are searching for a woman killer terrorising Manhattan, who seems to have a hair fetish and makes off with cuttings. We pretty much know from the beginning that it’s a (“very continental”) European fashion photographer with a studio in Greenwich Village (producer Holland). While the cops are shaking down known perverts and stalkers (“what a bunch of crumbs”), he’s failing at wooing a burlesque dancer with expensive tastes (not to mention what appears to be a radio precariously positioned on a shelf above her bath!). Another major character is a young, pretty model wannabe who meets him (on the Staten Island ferry) and falls for his charms. When he’s caught at the end, an understanding psychiatric doctor injects him with a truth serum, and he reveals his unhappy childhood. But the final message has it both ways thanks to a reactionary cop. Understandably a forgotten film, with only its noirish, sleazy b/w location photography of the city of interest nowadays.

VIOLATED ANGELS (okasareta hakui) (1967 JPN) D/W/P: KOJI WAKAMATSU W: MASAO ADACHI/JURO KARA An impotent misogynist with a knife breaks in on a group of nurses (some busy having lesbian sex) and slaughters them one-by-one when he’s not freaking out and acting traumatised in this 56 mins b/w interpretation of what happened in the real-life Richard Speck case. I can see why it’s often the film mentioned while illustrating typical Wakamatsu sex’n’death minimalism of the time, but it’s not one of his better films (he also made much worse). Another typical Wakamatsu touch is a lastminute allusion to 60s political upheaval. It bursts into colour for a short while near the end. Co-writer Hara stars. Another Speck-influenced film is NAKED MASSACRE (1976).

VIOLATED PARADISE (scintillating sin) (1967 ITL JPN) D/P: MARION JERING A Japanese woman supposedly narrates (in English) her story in this light mondo-like travelogue of then-”exotic” Japan. She goes from her village in Hokkaido (where the locals are “like the Sioux Indians”) downriver by boat (!) to Tokyo (the pure fabrication of these scenes with locals behaving like pre-20th century non-sophisticates had me shaking my head so much that I forgot to note that she never seems to cross a sea to the Honshu mainland!). En route she stops at a fishing village so we can see topless female divers (the main selling point in those days, I guess, there were similar scenes in REVENGE OF DR. X, too), and she falls for a “man god”. She informs us that the local children don’t learn to read and write! But it’s on to Tokyo where she joins a geisha house, refuses to put out for a regular customer and is fired, gets a job in the resort town of Atami, visits the Temple of the 47 Ronin, and then returns to the fishing village to get married (and topless. She becomes a diver). Spliced in with this is footage of Tokyo nightclubs and strip joints while a dynamic American man narrates more uneducated shit about the red-light districts etc. You won’t learn much, but I guess viewers at the time didn’t mind about that. Awfully tame now, though, a curious little footnote for exploitation historians only. It seems to be the final credit for the Russian-born director of DEVIL AND THE DEEP SEA and LADIES OF THE BIG HOUSE, among others.

THE VIOLATOR See: RAPE SQUAD

VIOLENCE MAN See: MAN OF VIOLENCE

VIOLENCE TRAP See: TERROR TRAP

VIOLENCE USA See: THE KILLING OF AMERICA

THE VIOLENT BREED See: KEOMA

VIOLENT CITY (the family; città violenta; la cité de la violence) (1970 ITL FRA) D/W: SERGIO SOLLIMA W: GIANFRANCO GALLIGARICH/SAURO SCAVOLINI/ LINDA WERTMULLER/MASSIMO DE RITA/ARDUINO MAIURI P: ARRIGO COLOMBO/GIORGIO PAPI This one hits the ground running with a cool car chase (hampered only by dodgy rear-projection inserts) and shoot-out that leaves hitman Charles Bronson in a foreign prison. Once back in the US he proceeds with his revenge plans. The first 45 mins are supercool and then it slows down to incorporate some twists involving powerful mobster Telly Savalas, Bronson’s fickle whore lover Jill ireland, and friend Umberto Orsini. But worth sticking with for a superb ending. Overall a superior crime flick, complete with Michel Constantin as a junky, Savalas’ brother George in a part, Goffredo Unger and a great Ennio Morricone score. The only silly part has Savalas’ character commenting on Bronson’s youth, even though in reallife Stoneface was older (and looked it). This review refers to the uncut Anchor Bay print which features eight previously cut (from the US print) mins in Italian with English subtitles (the rest is in English). This includes a memorable Bronson-is-cool scene involving a tarantula.

VIOLENT COP (sono otko, kyobo ni tsuki) (1989 JPN) D/W: “BEAT” TAKESHI KITANO W: HISASHI NOZAWA P: SHOZO ICHIYAMA/HISAO NABESHIMA/ TAKIO YOSHIDA Popular Japanese comedian and all-round celebrity Takeshi Kitano (who’s still all over the tube as I write this) filled in as director when Kinji Fukasaku fell ill, and an international arthouse hit resulted. Kitano is a rebellious (more mischievous, actually) cop (not averse to beating up suspects) who doesn’t care about the rules. While this may sound like hundreds of American tough cop action movies, this incredible debut couldn’t be more different. Kitano’s presence is that of a quiet, reserved menace rather than loud heroics. Inbetween gambling, beating people up and other things he shouldn’t really be doing, he’s on a murder case involving drug-dealers. Things reach a shocking, violent conclusion when the bad guys kidnap and rape Kitano’s mentally disabled sister (the only thing he seems to care about). Believe it or not, it’s also extremely funny. With Ittoku Kishibe, Shiro Sano (the same year he was in LUCKY SKY DIAMOND), Susumu Terajima, Hakuryu and Kennichi Endo. Essential viewing. Kitano made the disappointing love story A SCENE AT THE SEA next.

VIOLENT FIRE See: DEADLY OUTLAW: REKKA

VIOLENT HUNTER See: HUNTER’S CROSSING

VIOLENT JOURNEY See: THE FOOL KILLER

VIOLENT NAPLES (death dealers; violent protection; operation casseur; s.o.s. jaguar: operation casseur; napoli violenta) (1976 ITL FRA) D: UMBERTO LENZI W: VINCENZO MANNINI P: FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS Post-DIRTY HARRY, there was an endless slew of reactionary, violent Italian cops’n’robbers thrillers where the police are utterly justified in beating up suspects. In this one, star Maurizio Merli (an icon of the subgenre) even prevents one perp (or “crud”) from getting away by impaling his head on a metal fence railing! That said, they are more fun to read about than watch usually, and despite having its moments (like a gory death by bowling ball), this does drag on and on inbetween them. With John Saxon, Barry Sullivan as the main gangster villain, Silvano Tranquili, Guido Alberti, Luciano Rossi, Nino Vingelli, Giovanni Cianfriglia, Tom Felleghy, and, of course, a decent car chase (with motorbikes).

VIOLENT PROTECTION See: VIOLENT NAPLES

VIOLENT SATURDAY (1955 US) D: RICHARD FLEISCHER W: SIDNEY BOHEM P: BUDDY ADLER Despite the title and a promising cast, this crime movie about a bank heist in a small town is mostly dull, talky human drama. On the plus side, where else can you see Ernest Borgnine as an Amish farmer sticking crook Lee Marvin in the back with a pitchfork? Victor Mature stars, with Stephen McNally, Richard Egan, Virginia Leith (THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN’T DIE), J. Carrol Naish, Tom Noonan, Sylvia Sidney, Virginia Carroll, Harry Seymour, Harry Carter, Boyd “Red” Morgan and Dorothy Phillips. Based on William L. Heath’s novel. Ray Kellogg (THE KILLER SHREWS) did some special photographic FX.

VIOLENT SATURDAY (1983) See: THE OSTERMAN WEEKEND

VIOLENT SHIT (violent trash) (1987 W.GER) D/W/P: ANDREAS SCHNAAS Schnaas stars as Karl the butcher in this amateurish Hamburg-lensed shot-on-video gore movie. The plot is simplicity itself. The machete-wielding Karl escapes police custody and splatters up the countryside with very graphic but hokey dismemberments. Some time is wasted with endless POV shots of a car driving down some country roads at night. Very bad.

VIOLENT SHIT 2: MOTHER HOLD MY HAND (1992 GER) D/W: ANDREAS SCHNAAS Karl Jr. dons a medieval helmet and slaughters more people in graphic ways in this more-of-the-same sequel. Juvenile but precious little fun, although you would have to be infantile to actually be offended by any of it.

VIOLENT SHIT 3: INFANTRY OF DOOM (zombie doom) (1999 GER) D/W: ANDREAS SCHNAAS This more ambitious conclusion to the gore trilogy has a bunch of yachters arriving on a small island and discovering a tribe of primitive killers led by Karl and Karl Jr. It’s still not very good, but for fans of this kind of carnage I will point out that a man has a hook shoved up his anus and his spine ripped out. A VIOLENT SHIT 4 is NIKOS THE IMPALER (2003).

VIOLENT STREETS (booryoku gai) (1974 JPN) D/W: HIDEO GOSHA W: MASAHIRO KAKEFUDA/NOBUAKI NAKAJIMA Noboru Ando is the former head of the disbanded Egawa group, trying to keep his club in Ginza and stay out of an imminent gang war between his parent Tokyo gang, the Tokigu family, and a rival Kansai alliance trying to muscle in. Events are complicated when his former underlings (including Asao Koike and Hideo Murata) kidnap a female tv idol (Miyuki Akage) for a ransom, blaming it on Kansai. But she accidentally dies during a footsoldier’s rape attempt (he is wearing a gorilla mask). And Ando’s ex is now married to the Tokigu boss (who made his move when Ando was in prison). A bald dude with a blue parrot on his shoulder and a razor-wielding she-male are assassins. This very entertaining and violent near parody of yakuza movies co-stars Akira Kobayashi, Tetsuro Tamba and Bunta Sugawara wielding a shotgun, listening to his (huge) personal stereo on headphones and pulling his usual jibs. Other bizarre touches include the best fight in a chicken farm I’d seen since Wang Yu’s FOUR REAL FRIENDS (released the same year, incidentally). With Ichio Natsuyagi, Ryouji Hayama, big Rikia Yasuoka, Yasuko Matsui, Naoya Makoto, Kenji Ushio, Nobuo Yana and lots of flamenco dancing. 1974: a high water mark for cinematic chicken coop violence!

VIOLENT STREETS (1981) See: THIEF

VIOLENT TRASH See: VIOLENT SHIT

VIOLENT VIRGIN (shojo geba geba; gewalt! gewalt: shojo geba geba) (1969 JPN) D: KOJI WAKAMATSU W: IZURU DEGUCHI/ATSUSHI YAMATOYA In this typically weird and sparse Wakamatsu movie, a blindfolded guy and girl are driven to the middle of nowhere by some cackling chimpira and their women. She’s tied nude to a cross and the girls fuck him. He gets away alone and meets some more gangsters and nude women. They invite him to shoot at a nipple in the distance with a rifle with a telescopic lens. Later he finds it was his girl he shot. He beats everyone to death while yapping about becoming a beast. Pretension levels go through the roof with endless “meaningful” dialogue exchanges. I suspect that many non-student viewers roped into see this when it was new because of the promise of nudity were not pleased. Nowadays it’s more curious as a time capsule than it is entertaining. Hideo Itoh provides b/w photography that sometimes switches to colour. Sixty-seven mins long.

THE VIOLENT YEARS (female; girl gang terrorists; teenage girl gang) (1956 US) D: WILLIAM M. MORGAN W: EDWARD D. WOOD JR. P: ROY REID Girls from well-off families rebel in the form of a gang that robs gas stations and has shoot-outs with the cops. The parents are to blame in this disappointing b/w quickie from the pen of Ed Wood. The only notable, unusual element is an (implied) male rape scene in the back of a car by the female hoodlums! With Barbara Weeks, Glenn Corbett (newspaper reporter dad), I. Stanford Jolley (judge) and Timothy Farrell (cop on the case).

VIPER (bad blood; king cobra) (1993 US) D: TIBOR TAKACS W: NEIL RUTTENBERG P: ALAN AMIEL Kick-boxing Lorenzo Lamas fights mobsters whom his brother owes money to in this thoroughly routine action garbage. John P. Ryan is his cable tvaddicted father. With Beau Starr, Kim Dawson, Nikki Fritz, Simon Rhee and busy stuntman Cole S. McKay. Takacs was also the executive producer.

VIPER (1993 US) D/W: DANNY BILSON W: PAUL DeMEO P: DAVID L. BEARIES/ROBERT BENJAMIN/ BARBARA KELLY/MICHAEL LACOE Pilot for another dull, mind-rotting tv series about an enhanced, souped-up Chrysler car that gets in the bad guys’ hands. James McCaffrey stars, with Jon Polito and Dorian Harewood.

VIRGIN CAMPUS See: BOARDING SCHOOL

VIRGINIA See: TALE OF A VAMPIRE

VIRGIN KILLER See: RINGS OF FEAR

VIRGINS IN HEAT See: WET AND WILD

VIRGIN TERROR See: RINGS OF FEAR

THE VIRGIN VAMPIRES See: TWINS OF EVIL

VIRIDIANA (1961 SPN MEX) D/W: LUIS BUÑUEL W: JULIO ALEJANDRO P: GUSTAVO ALATRISTE If you’re unfamiliar with the work of genius Buñuel, here’s a great place to start. Fernando Rey commits suicide and his nun niece Silvia Pinal goes to his big mansion. Francisco Rabal is Rey’s son who inherits the house and the slowly corrupted Pinal puts on a mock Last Supper for beggars off the street. Doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a must-see. With José Calvo, José Manuel Martin, Joaquin Roa, Lola Gaos, Maria Isbert, Claudio Brook and Sergio Mendizábal. And then go and discover more Buñuel delights like SIMON OF THE DESERT and THE DISCREET CHARM OF THE BOURGEOISIE.

VIRTUAL ASSASSIN See: CYBERJACK

VIRTUAL OBSESSION (host; virtual wars 3) (1998 US) D/WP: MICK GARRIS W: PRESTON STURGES JR. P: RANDY SUTTER/STEPHANIE GERMAIN Peter Gallagher is a scientist who’s created some kind of artificial intelligence net that’s fed by video cameras all around the city and in volunteer homes. Brigette Wilson is his new assistant dying from a brain tumour whom he has an affair with. She ends up terrorising his family in this mix of FATAL ATTRACTION, LAWNMOWER MAN and DEMON SEED. It’s too long at over two hours, but it’s not bad for tv sci-fi and has some interesting ideas and good parts. The end is too convenient and silly, though. Based on a Peter James novel (James has a small part). With Mimi Rogers, Jake Lloyd, Dan Martin, Robert Vaughn and Frank Gerrish.

VIRTUAL SHADOW See: HOT WAR

VIRTUAL WARS See: THE LAWNMOWER MAN

VIRTUAL WARS 2 See: LAWNMOWER MAN 2

VIRTUAL WARS 3 See: VIRTUAL OBSESSION

VIRTUAL WEAPON (cyberflic; point of dead) (1996 ITL FRA) D: “ANTHONY M. DAWSON” (ANTONIO MARGHERITI) W: FERDIE PACHECO/BRUNO CORBUCCI P: VALERIE WOLKOFF Terence Hill (with his almost scary, always grinning old man face) is a cop who returns to Miami to help the local police investigate a new form of liquid explosive that’s being sold there. He teams up with partner Marvelous Marvin Hagler! Hill is killed midway through, but can be seen as a hologram/ghost only by those who believe (a little girl computer expert helps him). Scenes of Hill entering and emerging from handsets as he travels down phone lines are pretty strange. Other laughable cut-price FX have obvious toy cars and miniatures being blown up. When Hill watches a building being blown up and they try to put him in the foreground, it’s obvious he’s standing in front of a large screen showing the demolition! Some of the invisible man floating object stuff is done well, though. I have an unjustifiable fondness for this pathetic film, but wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. It was the last film directed by Margheriti (THE LONG HAIR OF DEATH, WILD, WILD PLANET, HERCULES AGAINST KARATE, CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE and many more). It was Corbucci’s final credit, too.

VIRTUOSITY (1995 US) D: BRETT LEONARD W: ERIC BERNT P: GARY LUCCHESI Ridiculous but kinda entertaining sci-fi action thriller about pardoned ex-cop convict Denzel Washington tracking a VR virus-turned-psycho (in the shape of Russell Crowe) that’s exited its machine. Loony logic, but it doesn’t get boring. With William Forsythe, Kelly Lynch, Louise Fletcher, William Fichtner, Costas Mandylor, Traci Lords, Michael Buffer, Alanna Ubach, Daniel Anderson and Ken Shamrock.

VIRUS (the end; day of resurrection; fukkatsu no hi) (1980 JPN) D/W: KINJI FUKASAKU W: KOJI TAKADA/ GREGORY KNAPP An accelerated mimic virus called MM88 is released after a plane crash in the Alps. It creeps around the globe and kills most of the population of the world, apart from those stationed in Antarctica (MM88 remains dormant under certain temperatures) and the crew aboard a British submarine captained by Chuck Connors (affecting an English accent). A crazed General (Henry Silva) sets up an automatic retaliation system loaded with nuclear weapons prior to his death, because he thinks Russia is behind it. Later, the Antarctica survivors learn that a huge earthquake may trigger a launch at Moscow, which in turn will result in a Commie missiles retaliation! So it’s up to heroic Masao Kusakari and big Bo Svenson to travel to the corpse-strewn US to shut off the system. This epic, all-star flop is interesting, and almost a good disaster movie between all the clichéd sentiment and “message” moments. It’s a shame it didn’t concentrate more on the impressive skeleton-covered landscapes that we see briefly (a poster for the shorter 112 mins US release with a mountain of the dead was pretty cool). This review refers to the full 156 mins Japanese version (which, being mostly in English, doesn’t require subtitles to watch and understand). With Olivia Hussey (who married Japanese pop singer Akira Fune soon after) as the mother of the first post-disaster baby. Also on-board are Mr. Disaster himself George Kennedy, Glenn Ford as the American President, Sonny Chiba, Robert Vaughn, Tsunehiko Watase, Alberta Watson, Isao Natsuki, Edward James Olmos, Stuart Gilliard, Cec Linder, Nicholas Campbell, Colin Fox, Ken Ogata, Toshiyuki Nagashima, Ken Pogue, Yumi Takigawa, George Touliatos and a naked disco. Executive producer and publishing giant Haruki Kadokawa was Mr. High Profile Co-Production at the time, also sinking money into 1977’s crime movie PROOF OF A MAN, starring Japanese megastar Yusaku Matsuda alongside George Kennedy (!), and with Fukasaku acting.

VIRUS (1980/II) See: CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE

VIRUS (1980/III) See: HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD

VIRUS (1993) See: FORMULA FOR DEATH

VIRUS (1996) See: SPILL

VIRUS (1998 US GER JPN FRA UK) D: JOHN BRUNO W: CHUCK PFARRER/DENNIS FELDMAN P: GALE ANNE HURD An alien presence which manifests itself in electricity kills various characters who you won’t care about on a deserted hi-tech Russian ship at sea. Many cyborg-style automations show the inspiration of James Cameron (whose first time director Bruno worked for). Other points of reference are THE THING and the mid- to late-90s reinterest in claustrophobic monster-on-a-ship horrors like PROTEUS and DEEP RISING. Jamie Lee Curtis, William Baldwin and Donald Sutherland star in this thoroughly unengaging horror thriller. With Joanna Pacula, Cliff Curtis (as a Maori), Marshall Bell (who needs better movies) and Julio Oscar Mechoso. Based on Pfarrer’s comic book.

VIRUS (2009) See: CARRIERS

VISIONS OF DOOM See: VISIONS OF EVIL

VISIONS OF EVIL (so sad about gloria: visions of doom) (1973 US) D/P: HARRY THOMASON W: MARSHAL RIGGAN A young woman with a large inheritance gets out of an asylum and tries to lead a normal life. She gets married to a nice writer, and Dean Jagger is her kind old uncle. She has visions of a man with an axe while staying in a house where an axe murder occurred years earlier. Ridiculously predictable plot-to-drive-her-mad thriller is not worth your time. Thomason also made THE DAY IT CAME TO EARTH and REVENGE OF BIGFOOT, and later documentaries supporting President Bill Clinton.

VISITING HOURS (horror-hospital) (1981 CAN) D: JEAN CLAUDE LORD W: BRIAN TAGGERT P: CLAUDE HEROUX Michael Ironside is a determined, prejudiced killer who stalks women’s rights activist tv newscaster Lee Grant in a hospital (he put her there), and also turns his attention to the nurse caring for her (Linda Purl). It’s nice to see Ironside (who wears a leather vest) get a starring role in a movie with hard edges, and this is a solid stalk’n’slasher with well-choreographed set pieces. With top-billed William Shatner, Michael J. Reynolds, Damir Andrei, Lorena Gale and Sheena Larkin. Lord also edited.

VISITOR Q (2001 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: ITARU ERA P: REIKO ARAKAWA/SEIICHIRO KOBAYASHI/ SUSUMU NAKAJIMA This outrageous black comedy begins with father Kennichi Endo making love with his own hooker daughter (Fujiko) in a lovehotel room. A mysterious guy (Kazushi Watanabe) smashes him on the head with a rock (twice) and the confused Endo invites him into his home to meet his fucked-up family. Son Jun Muto is bullied at school, so in turn beats the shit out of his heroin addict mother (Shungiku Uchida, who’s particularly good). It takes rape, necrophilia, murder and copious amounts of lactated milk to bring them all together in this warped and hilarious gem from one of Japan’s most interesting (and prolific) new directors.

VISITORS OF THE NIGHT (hybrid babies; secret file 2) (1995 US) D: JORGE MONTESI W: MICHAEL J. MURRAY P: MARILYN STONEHOUSE Nothing happens through most of this alien abduction movie about a teenage girl and her mom who get “branded” by ET visitors. Then when it does, it’s crap. So don’t bother. With Stephen McHattie, Dale Midkiff, Damir Andrei and Joe Pingure.

VIVA CHIBA! THE BODYGUARD (the bodyguard; bodyguard kiba) (1973 JPN) D: TATSUICHI TAKAMORI W: RYUZO NAKANISHI P: SUSUMU YOSHIKAWA For some reason the people who released this in the US felt the need to tag on senseless extra footage after the opening credits. A camera prowls 42nd Street, up some stairs and enters a room where two fighters argue about Bruce Lee and Sonny Chiba’s martial arts skills. On with the movie (for this they had the nerve to call it a “Nippon-America” release)! After stopping a plane hijacking, Sonny Chiba goes on tv to appeal for witnesses who will help to topple the Cosa Nostra’s drug trade in Tokyo. He offers himself as a bodyguard to whoever will come forward. He ends up trying to protect a secretive Japanese woman with her own agenda in this sometimes outstanding action thriller. Parts are amazingly hard-boiled and tough and there’s great, typically over-the-top violence (an arm is cut off, decapitated head, eyes gouged), but the mood is not sustained throughout. With Sonny’s younger brother Jiro Chiba, Rikia Yasuoka, human chair assassins, a look at a funky, Afro-filled 70s club and a very downbeat ending. Worth a look, if only to see where Samuel L. Jackson’s Bible quote in PULP FICTION comes from. Based on a manga, there’s a sequel as well (BODYGUARD KIBA: HISATSU SANKAKU TOBI). Takashi Miike took the character straight to video for a series in the 90s.

VIVA DJANGO (django sees red; django, prepare a coffin; get the coffin ready, prepartati la bara!) (1968 ITL) D/W: FERDINADO BALDI W: FRANCO ROSSETTI Terence Hill (Mario Girotti) is Django, who’s double-crossed while protecting a shipment of gold. His wife is also shot and he’s left for dead. He returns from the grave as a hangman with a special device for faking the deaths of others framed for gold shipment robberies (masterminded by Horst Frank and Luigi Montefiore aka George Eastman). The surprise ending copies the original DJANGO (which Rossetti also co-wrote). With Andrea Scotti, Spartaco Conversi, Luciano Rossi (aka Edward G. Ross), Franco Balducci and Giovanni Ivan Scratuglia. Baldi also made BLINDMAN.

VIVA KNIEVEL! (seconds to live) (1977 US) D: GORDON DOUGLAS W: NORMAN KATKOV/ANTONIO SANTILLAN P: STANLEY HOUGH This begins with Evel Knievel (playing himself) sneaking into an orphanage at night to give Knievel toys to the kids. One kid throws away his crutches and claims that Evel inspired him to walk again! The rest of this ego trip (veteran director Douglas’ last film) is good to watch for the all-star cast. Leslie Nielsen is the villain who persuades rival stunt cyclist Marjoe Gortner to help him assassinate Knievel (in Mexico) and use the coffin to smuggle coke into the US! Cameron Mitchell is the guy who’s supposed to orchestrate the “accident”! With Gene Kelly, Lauren Hutton, Red Buttons, Albert Salmi, Dabney Coleman and lots of stunts. George Hamilton had already portrayed Evel in EVEL KNIEVEL.

VIVA LA MUERTE (long live death) (1970 FRA) D/W: FERNANDO ARRABAL W: CLAUDINE LAGRIVE Arrabal’s directorial debut (based on his novel Baal Babylone) is a surreal, provocative and Jodorowsky-inspired (Arrabal had scripted FANDO Y LIS) rites-of-passage wonder set in Franco’s Fascist Spain. It begins with great, grotesque artwork during the opening credits. A little boy named Fando slowly comes to terms with the fact that his mother ratted out his Communist renegade father to the local militia. Using a mixture of video and film techniques, Arrabal tells his story through a series of extremely bizarre, sometimes shocking (and it has to be said, sometimes dated) absurdist set pieces. A priest hands out guns, insect eating, puking into the camera, a guy sewn up inside a cow’s carcass, a flood of piss etc. You won’t be able to get much of the imagery out of your head, along with Jean-Yves Bosseur’s great soundtrack. Essential, inspirational viewing. With Anouk Ferjac. Arrabal returned with I WILL WALK LIKE A CRAZY HORSE and other, more difficult-to-see films.

THE VIVERO LETTER See: FORGOTTEN CITY

VIVID See: LUSCIOUS

VIY, OR SPIRIT OF EVIL See: VIJ

VOICE OF A STRANGER See: BODY CHEMISTRY 2

VOICES FROM BEYOND (voci dal profondo; voices from the deep; urla dal profondo) (1991 ITL) D/W: LUCIO FULCI W: PIERO REGNOLI/DANIELE STROPPA An obnoxious wealthy man dies from internal hemorrhaging. His spirit appears to help his daughter find out who was responsible in this half-assed Fulci obscurity (made for tv). But even a bad Fulci film has moments for his fans to enjoy, in this it’s a silly, surreal scene with eyeballs hiding in a plate of fried eggs! Fulci dedicates it to his “few real friends”, including Clive Barker. With Tom Fellegy and the usual Fulci cameo.

VOICES FROM THE DEEP See: VOICES FROM BEYOND

THE VOID (2001 CAN) D/W: GILBERT M. SHILTON W: GERI CULDA BARGER P: DAVID WILSON Amanda Tapping tries to convince her engineer boyfriend (Adrian Paul) that company president (Malcolm McDowell) is running very dangerous experiments that could result in a black hole that will eat the Earth. Even by catatonic cable filler standards, this is amazingly boring. With Roger L. Cross and French Tickner.

VOLCANO (1997 US) D: MICK JACKSON W: JEROME ARMSTRONG/BILLY RAY P: NEAL H. MORITZ/ANDREW Z. DAVIS After a sizable but short earthquake, lava shoots up through the tectonic plates into LA and proceeds to steadily obliterate the city. Tommy Lee Jones is the head of the Office of Emergency Management, and Anne Heche is a geologist. Together they must save the city in this undeniably exciting and engrossing disaster movie. The screenwriters obviously have no idea how destructive lava really is (characters stand right next to the flow and only die if it touches them!), but who cares? It’s fun. With Don Cheadle, Keith David, John Carroll Lynch, Michael Rispoli, Richard Schiff, Brian Markinson and Robert Wisdom. The racial harmony ending is a bit much, though.

VOLCANO HIGH (whasango) (2001 S.KOR) D/W: KIM TAE-GYUN W: SEO DONG-HEON P: CHA SEUONG-JAE High school teens with outrageous martial arts skills and magical powers fight each other and crooked new teachers in an alternate reality in this highly enjoyable and ridiculously over-the-top action fantasy. Heavily influenced by comic books and animation, it’s a rare case of style over substance working a treat. With Jang Hyuk, Shin Min-A, Kim Su-ro, Kwon Sang-woo, Kong Kyo-jin and Heo Jun-ho. Export versions differ in length from the original Korean cut. Having seen both, I’d say it’s worth catching in any version. Love that opening scene!

THE VOLCANO MONSTER See: GODZILLA COUNTERATTACKS

VOODOO (1972) See: DON’T TORTURE A DUCKLING

VOODOO (1995 CAN US) D: RENE ERAM W: BRIAN DiMUCCIO/DINO VINDENI P: DONALD P. BORCHERS Corey Feldman (wearing too much makeup) is a student writer who transfers to a new college to be near his girlfriend. He has to steal a body from a morgue as his initiation into a “cool” seeming, nontypical frat house. But the head of the house is in fact a powerful voodoo priest who sacrifices victims to gain eternal life. The other frat boys are his undead slaves. A jock is made to go on a rampage with a pump-action shotgun. Jack Nance lurks around before eventually helping Feldman. Sarah Douglas is a medical professor. Pierre David was an executive producer for this silly horror movie. Feldman, Nance and Douglas were all in MEATBALLS 4.

VOODOO ACADEMY See: SUBHUMAN

VOODOO BLACK EXORCIST (loa vudu; vudu sangriento) (1974 SPN US) D: MANUEL CANO W: SANTIAGO MONCADA This begins on a tropical island with a native woman’s head being chopped off and handed around during a voodoo ceremony. The credits roll over footage of the moon landing (why?) while the soundtrack demonstrates its impressive versatility, from bongos to cool guitar rock. A sarcophagus with a mummy inside is being carried on-board a luxury cruise ship. It escapes and through time lapse FX becomes bald Aldo Sambrell. A narrator explains how it is a 2000-year cycle and he must find the reincarnation of his love (Tanyeka Stadler) or something like that. He proves his love to her by cutting off a guy’s head and putting it in her bed! When a detective (“I’m an old fat cop”) stops the cruiser to investigate the death, Sambrell puts a man under a steamroller. It all ends in some (impressive) underground caves where police hunt Sambrell with flame-throwers (they appear to kill Stadler, too)! Previous to this, someone tries to destroy him in mummy form with a water hose! With Alfred Mayo, Julio Pena, Fernando Sancho and a fire-eating belly dancer performing. Slow-moving but engrossingly peculiar. Parts were filmed in Haiti, Jamaica and the Dominican Republic.

VOODOO BLOODBATH See: I EAT YOUR SKIN

VOODOO DAWN (strange turf; zombie saga) (1989 US) D: STEVEN FIERBERG W: JOHN RUSSO/JEFFREY DELMAN/THOMAS RENDON/EVAN DUNSKY P: STEVEN D. MACKLER Students from New York arrive in South Carolina to visit their friend. But he turns up dead, killed by zombies led by Tony Todd (also a zombie). They team up with Gina Gershon (as the dead friend’s girlfriend) to battle the living dead in this pretty dull, slow-moving minimal action horror. Russo co-wrote the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and directed the cult movie MIDNIGHT, but you wouldn’t have guessed from this unimaginative script. One of a rash of low-budget voodoo/zombie films released after the big-budget THE BELIEVERS and THE SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW.

VOODOO DAWN See: FAIT ACCOMPLI

VOODOO GIRL See: SUGAR HILL (1974)

VOODOO MASTER See: SUBHUMAN

VOODOO WOMAN (1957 US) D: EDWARD L. CAHN W: RUSSEL BENDER/V.I. VOSS P: ALEX GORDON Tom Conway is a mad scientist mixing science and voodoo with the help of jungle natives in some undisclosed tropical location out of a 30s potboiler. When a local girl he transforms into an armourplated beast (Paul Blaisdell’s THE SHE CREATURE with slight alterations and a wig!) refuses to kill on his (psychic) command, he turns his attentions to über-bitch Marla English, busy hunting gold with the reluctant help of guide hero Mike “Touch” Connors. Forgettable b/w quickie from Cahn and AIP. With Paul Dubov, Norman Willis, plenty of casual racism and a sacrificial pit spewing dry ice. Passable enough late-night crap to fall asleep to. Remade as CURSE OF THE SWAMP CREATURE by Larry Buchanan.

VORAZ See: RAVENOUS

VORTEX (1978) See: THE DAY TIME ENDED

VORTEX (2000) See: UZU MAKI

VOYAGE OF TERROR: THE “ACHILLE LAURO” AFFAIR (seajack; die entfuhrung der achille lauro) (1990 ITL FRA US GER) D/W: ALBERTO NEGRIN W: SERGIO DONATI P: MARIO GALCO A cruise liner in Italian waters is hijacked by Middle Eastern terrorists. Burt Lancaster is a wheelchair-bound passenger. Eva Marie Saint is his wife. Robert Culp is an army commander. This torturously overlong (at almost two hours), uninspired co-production tries to make things more interesting with overcomplicated politics. Doesn’t work. With Brian Bloom, Renzo Montagnani, Bernard Fresson, Jochen Horst, Gabriele Ferzetti and Franco Fantasia.

VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA (1961 US) D/W/P: IRWIN ALLEN W: CHARLES BENNETT Walter Pidgeon is the admiral of the supersubmarine Seaview in this hit sci-fi adventure under the sea. The silly, illogical plot involves firing nuclear missiles at a man-made radiation belt that’s melting the ice caps. There’s also a saboteur, unrest among the crew and Frankie Avalon (who sings the theme tune) acting like he’s in a BEACH PARTY movie. With Barbara Eden, Joan Fontaine, Michael Ansara, Henry Dabiell, Regis Toomey, John Lifel, Charles Tannen, Robert Easton, Art Baker and Peter Lorre looking sad near the end of his career. John Lamb (who made THE MERMAIDS OF TIBURON) was the underwater photographer. Richard Basehart took over Pidgeon’s role for a popular tv series that I enjoyed as a kid, always wondering which monster would be forced to clutch its ears in pain when they build a high-frequency machine that week!

VOYAGE TO THE MOON See: A TRIP TO THE MOON

VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF PREHISTORIC WOMEN (the gill women; the gill women of venus) (1962/68 US) D: “DEREK THOMAS” (PETER BOGDANOVICH) W: HENRY NEY P: NORMAN D. WELLS/ ROGER CORMAN (uncredited) The same year as his excellent TARGETS, Bogdanovich also put together this less than excellent mess for Corman. Footage from the very good Soviet sci-fi PLANET OF STORMS (reviewed under that title in this book) had already been used to make the similar sounding VOYAGE TO THE PREHISTORIC PLANET a few years earlier. AIP still couldn’t release a Commie movie, so more footage found its way here. Mamie Van Doren leads a tribe of Pterodactyl-worshipping telepathic bathing beauties in nonsensical new footage. I like to think of MASK or LAST PICTURE SHOW fans sitting down to watch this, and smile!

VOYAGE TO THE PREHISTORIC PLANET (1962/65 US) D/W: “JOHN SEBASTIAN” (CURTIS HARRINGTON) P: GEORGE EDWARDS PLANET OF STORMS was an excellent Soviet sci-fi flick that had footage cannibalised for both this and Peter Bogdanovich’s similarly titled VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF PREHISTORIC WOMEN. I recommend checking out the original flick (now readily available with subtitles), as the only extras this has to offer include brief filler footage of Basil Rathbone (also in QUEEN OF BLOOD (1966), a more entertaining and ambitious sci-fi that utilised Commie footage) and Faith Domergue talking to the astronauts (now given crappy English-dubbed dialogue) on intercoms. And some dodgy AIP insert FX that jar alongside the good stuff. Stephanie Rothman was the associate producer. Harrington had already made the cult favourite NIGHT TIDE (1961), so this must have seemed like a major step backwards for him.

W See: THE STEPFATHER

WADD: THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JOHN C. HOLMES (1998 US) D/P: “ALLAN SMITHEE” (CASS PALEY) This documentary in itself may not be innovative or totally impartial, but the subject matter is so fascinating that it never gets boring, and it does clear up a lot of popular myths. We learn that the Elvis of pornography John Holmes (from rural Ohio) was a police informant who helped to bust countless porno shoots, a strung-out cokehead with a straightlaced wife and mistress he pimped out for cash (and backhanded) and was also involved in a mob murder. He was also a talented carpenter! What shines through most is that this often devious and scheming compulsive liar (who carried on working unprotected after being diagnosed with HIV) seems to ultimately rekindle extreme fondness above all else from those who knew him (apart from Juliet Anderson/Aunt Peg who calls him a “jerk”). Johnny Wadd series director Bob Chinn remembers that “we wrote the first script on a back of an envelope” and that sometimes the time between shooting a film and it being in a theatre could be as short as one week! Paul Thomas Anderson (who used parts of Holmes’ life as a template for BOOGIE NIGHTS) thinks “he could have been quite a good actor”. Other interviewees include first and second wives Sharon Holmes and Misty Dawn, Larry Flynt, Al Goldstein, Ron Jeremy, Sharon Mitchell, Kitten Natividad, Candida Royale, Ilona Staller (Cicciolina), Bob Vosse, Bill Amerson, Don Goodman, Mike Sager, Anne Perry, John Leslie and mistress Dawn in silhouette.

THE WAGES OF FEAR (il salario della paura; vite vendute; le salaire de la peur) (1953 FRA ITL) D/W/P: HENRI-GEORGES CLOUZOT W: JEROME GEROMINI P: LOUIS WIPF For those with patience (it’s almost two and a half hours), this b/w adaption of Georges Arnaud’s novel is an excellent suspense classic. Yves Montand, Charles Variel, Peter Van Eyck and Folco Lulli are the four broke, unemployed foreigners in South America who volunteer to take a couple of trucks loaded with unstable nitroglycerine through the jungles and over the mountains on dangerous roads to a burning oilfield. It was actually filmed in France. Remade as both VIOLENT ROAD (1958) and SORCEROR. Clouzot made DIABOLIQUE next.

WAGES OF FEAR (1977) See: SORCEROR

WAIT UNTIL DARK (1967 US) D: TERENCE YOUNG W: ROBERT and JANE HOWARD CARRINGTON P: MEL FERRER Audrey Hepburn is a blind woman living in a small New York apartment who unwittingly comes into possession of a doll containing heroin. Alan Arkin, Richard Crenna and Jack Weston are the cunning criminals who break into her home to get it. This excellent suspenseful feature is based on Frederick Knott’s Broadway play and was later copied a lot itself. With Efrem Zimbalist Jr., Robby Benson (an extra) and Jean Del Val. Ferrer (usually an actor) was married to Hepburn (who’s very good) at the time. Official remakes were 1982’s tv production of the same name and NOWHERE IN SIGHT (2001).

WAKE IN FRIGHT (outback) (1971 AUSL US) D: TED KOTCHEFF W: EVAN JONES P: GEORGE WILLOUGHBY A snobby, opinionated English teacher in the middle of nowhere (Gary Bond) gambles all his money away and gets stranded in a village called “the Yabba”. Donald Pleasance is an alcoholic outback doctor who’s like a go-between for the crazed hard-drinking locals. Based on Kenneth Cook’s novel, it’s an atmospheric dissection of Bond’s spiraling descent into a delirious, drunken hand to mouth lifestyle in a Hellish sunbaked wasteland. Never going in the DELIVERANCE direction you expect it to, and all the more rewarding for its less menacing but equally potent agenda. With Jack Thompson. The original version (I saw the shorter cut) runs close to two hours.

WAKE OF THE RED WITCH (1948 US) D: EDWARD LUDWIG W: HARRY BROWN/KENNETH GARNET B/w pearl-diving and treasure hunt John Wayne movie concentrates more on romance and drama than adventure. The best part involves a native ritual where a chest of gold must be retrieved from an underwater cave guarded by a giant octopus. The mechanical octopus was later stolen from Republic Studios and gained infamy for its appearance in Ed Wood’s BRIDE OF THE MONSTER. The sunken ship model sets and miniatures are also impressive. Based on Garland Roark’s novel. With Gail Russell, Gig Young, Adele Mara, Jeff Corey, Grant Withers, Henry Daniell, Paul Fix, Dennis Hoey, Henry Brandon, Fred Graham, Myron Healey, Rory Mallinson, Frank O’Connor, John Pickard, Mickey Simpson, Harlan Ward and Harry Wilson.

WAKE WOOD (2009 IRE UK) D/W: DAVID KEATING W/P: BRENDAN McCARTHY P: JOHN McDONELL A veterinarian (Aidan Gillen) and his pharmacist wife (Eva Birthistle) relocate to the rural town of Wakewood after their little girl (Ella Connolly) is savaged to death by a dog. The locals seem to be up to something witchy, and town squire type Timothy Spall soon offers to perform a ritual that could bring the little girl back to life, for just three days, with certain conditions. The first two-thirds of this release from the resurrected Hammer (who didn’t release it until 2011) are very good indeed, with nice ghoulish detail (and a fantastic, original ritual sequence). But when the inevitable doom comes-a-callin’, it flounders somewhat. Worth a look, though, if only to see Gillan perform a bovine Caesarean!

WAKING LIFE (2001 US) D/W/P: RICHARD LINKLATER D: BOB SABISTON P: TOMMY PALLOTTA/JONAH SMITH/ANNE WALKER-McBAY/PALMER WEST Linklater’s feature debut SLACKER was very much a product of its time and as such is less grating than this never-ending semi-animated remake in which Sabiston has drawn over the live action footage in always mutating, abstract, surrealist, fluid styles (his work is very good). Linklater seems stuck in student-with-too-much-free-time mode as our protagonist wanders around talking to several characters who just go on and on and on and on about philosophical subjects that are not as deep and/or thought-provoking as the script seems to think they are. Radio host and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones (9/11: THE ROAD TO TYRNANY) rants through a PA strapped to the roof of his car. With Ethan Hawke, Julie Delpy, Speed Levitch, Nicky Katt, Adam Goldberg and Steven Soderbergh. Linklater followed with the equally unbearable talkathon TAPE.

WALDO WARREN: PRIVATE DICK WITHOUT A BRAIN (the occultist; maximum thrust) (1986 US) D/W: TIM KINCAID P: CYNTHIA DE PAUL Rick Gianasi is a cyborg “gunman” bodyguard working for a failing security company who’s hired to protect a Caribbean president and his daughter in NYC. Voodoo-worshipping rebels want to assassinate the president, it seems. Gianasi’s fingers and dick double as guns and people are skinned alive (Ed French FX). The security company owner provides dumb comic relief, and a rival security firm hang around. Another typically awful Kincaid quickie, I suppose it’s his spin on THE BELIEVERS. With Matt Mitler. Gianasi was in MUTANT HUNT the same year. Charles Band was an (uncredited) executive producer. [Illus.]

WALKABOUT (1971 UK AUSL) D: NICOLAS ROEG W: EDWARD BOND P: SI LITVINOF After their father (John Meillon) suddenly tries to shoot them (before turning the gun on himself) during a picnic in the outback, schoolgirl Jenny Agutter and her little brother (Lucien John, aka Luc Roeg, the director’s son) must find their way back to Adelaide, without food, water or a sense of direction. David Gulpilil (credited as Gumpilil in his debut) is an Aboriginie teenager on his walkabout who befriends and protects them. It’s a much more cynical and very loose adaptation of James Vance Marshall’s fine 1959 children’s novel The Children. Apparently it was heavily improvised. Some surreal vignettes apart from the main narrative might seem out of place, and one might argue that some of the old world vs new world symbolism is heavy-handed (filtered as it is through typical Roeg freeze-frames, idiosyncratic editing and montage choices), but overall it’s an interesting, visually arresting and memorable film. Pervy bonus: It also helps that the 16-year-old Agutter wears a school uniform throughout, unless she’s providing nudity. John Barry’s soundtrack is interspersed with music from a didgeridoo, Rod Stewart and Stockhausen, and a passage from A.E. Housman’s A Shropshire Lad is heard. Tony Richmond helped Roeg with special photography (for the wildlife shots I’m guessing). Speaking of which, several animals are hunted and killed throughout, so sensitive types beware. It was Roeg’s first solo directorial credit after PERFORMANCE. His next gig was GLASTONBURY FAYRE (1972). Litvinoff was also the executive producer responsible for the same year’s A CLOCKWORK ORANGE getting made. Marshall (real name Donald G. Payne) also wrote the novel (under the name Ian Cameron) that became Disney’s THE ISLAND AT THE TOP OF THE WORLD.

THE WALKER (2009) See: THE BOOK OF ELI

WALKER: A TRUE STORY (1987 US MEX SPN) D: ALEX COX W: RUDY WURLITZER P: LORENZO O’BRIEN/ANGEL FLORES MARINI William Walker was an American who took an army into civil war-torn Nicaragua in 1855 and declared himself President. Ed Harris portrays him (giving a very good performance) in this violent and political (and funny) movie that features surreal, anachronistic use of 20th century objects to remind viewers of then-current US involvement in Nicaragua. It’s interesting but was unfairly slated by critics and was a complete box office flop. With Peter Boyle as the businessman who backs him, Richard Masur, René Auberjonois, Marlee Matlin, Sy Richardson, John Diehl, Pedro Armendariz Jr., Gerrit Graham, Xander Berkeley, Alfonso Arau, Blanca Guerra, Miguel Sandoval, Joe Strummer, Kathy Burke, Richard Edson, Edward Tudor-Pole, Norbert Weisser and Biff Yeager. Apparently a major driving force behind making the film was to spend as many US dollars in Nicaragua as possible to help them out. Cox (who has his usual cameo) made HIGHWAY PATROLMAN in Mexico next.

THE WALKER IN THE ATTIC (watcher in the attic; edogawa rampo ryoki-kan: yauera no sanpo-sha) (1976 JPN) D: NOBORU TANAKA W: AKIO IDO P: KEI IJICHI/YOSHITERU YUUKI This hypnotic, dreamlike Nikkatsu adaptation of an Edogawa Rampo story is one of the most incredible Japanese sex movies I’ve ever seen. Renji Ishibashi has the role of his long career as an idle layabout who boards at a decadent 1920s guest house for weirdos. He creeps about the attic peeping down at his neighbours through holes, and develops a fetish for watching upper-class slut Junko Miyashita in particular. At one point she sits on a chair with him lying quietly in wait inside it (a nod to Rampo’s story, The Human Chair). The huge 1923 Tokyo earthquake puts an abrupt end to all these shenanigans, and an unforgettable final image involving a water pump amidst the ruins gives me the chills just thinking about it. An amazing testament to sublime filmmaking, and as pure and faithful a Rampo adaptation as you’ll find. Simply unmissable. The undervalued Tanaka also made the AI NO CORRIDA precursor, A WOMAN CALLED SADA ABE (1975).

WALKER IN THE ATTIC (edogawa rampo monogatari: yanuera non sanpo sha) (1992 JPN) D: AKIO JISSOJI This remake is surprisingly good. Hiroshi Mikami (SWALLOWTAIL BUTTERFLY) is a bored, rich voyeur in the 1920s staying at a boarding house full of weirdos. Masumi Miyazaki (XX: BEAUTIFUL WEAPON) co-stars as an insane new tenant. Mikami starts to spy on his neighbours through holes in the attic floor. He kills a man by dripping an overdose of opium into his mouth. Kyusaku Shimada (TOKYO: THE LAST MEGALOPOLIS) is great as the clever anti-hero detective who figures it out. With lesbianism, rope and hot wax torture, hara-kiri and a bizarre sex scene with a light bulb. It’s only 73 mins long and very entertaining.

THE WALKING DEAD (1935 US) D: MICHAEL CURTIZ W: PETER MILNE/LILLIE HAYWARD/EWART ADAMSON/ROBERT HARDY ANDREWS/JOSEPH FIELDS P: LOUIS F. EDELMAN (uncredited) A crooked criminal defence lawyer (Ricardo Cortez) in cahoots with mobsters arranges for the death of an uncooperative judge, and then frames it on recently released convict (and musician) Boris Karloff. Karloff dies in the electric chair, just as a plea arrives too late, but scientist Edmund Gwenn brings him back to life. The confused, undead Karloff plays piano and seems to have gained a supernatural knowledge of those who wronged him. Time for revenge. 65 mins b/w thriller with tinges of horror is not unmissable, but a brisk enough effort that seems to have been forgotten over the years, despite the names Karloff and Curtiz attached to it. With Warren Hull, Barton MacLane, Henry O’Neill, Joe King, Addison Richards, Paul Harvey, Robert Strange, Joe Sawyer, Eddie Acuff, Kenneth Harlan, Ruth Robinson, Edward Peil Sr., Wade Boteler, George Beranger, James P. Burtis, Glen Cavaender, Frank Darien, Sarah Edwards, Bill Elliott, Boyd Irwin, Earle Hodgins, Edward Gargan, Paul Irving, Milton Kibbee, John Kelly, Crauford Kent, Isabel La Mal, Richard Kipling, Charles Marsh, Lee Phelps, Alphonse Martell, William H. O’Brien, Spec O’Donnell, Paul Panzer, Syd Saylor, James Pierce, Lee Prather, Sam Rice, John J. Richardson, Charles Sherlock, Eddie Shubert, Billy Wayne and Leo White.

THE WALKING DEAD (2010–15 US) Executive producer Frank Darabont created this (initially) high quality tv series based on the graphic novels of (executive producer) Robert Kirkman, Tony Moore and Charlie Adlard. A zombie plague has overrun the country, possibly the world. We concentrate on a bunch of survivors in the Atlanta, Georgia, area in the US. The first season was extremely well-written drama that really took its time (in a good way), milking the source material’s concentrated meditation on a world owned by the living dead for maximum effect. The second season was further top-notch stuff. Even though he (understandably) turned down episodes to direct, I would imagine George A. Romero approves. Unfortunately, beginning with the third season (it’s currently on the fifth), the (very popular) show lost its way and became repetitive and unabsorbing. With Andrew Lincoln, Jon Berthnal, Sarah Wayne Callies, Lennie James, Scott Wilson, Laurie Holden, Jeffrey DeMunn, Steven Yeun, Chandler Riggs, Mellisa McBride, Lauren Cohan, Emma Bell, Norman Reedus, Michael Rooker, David Morrissey, IronE Singleton, Noah Emmerich and Noel Gugliemi. Pruitt Taylor Vince did a guest spot. Directors have included Darabont and Ernest Dickerson. Skip Schoolnik was associate producer. Consulting producer Greg Nicotero’s KNB provide the excellent FX (Nicotero also directed a few episodes and appears as a zombie).

WALKING TALL (1973 US) D: PHIL KARLSON W/P: MORT BRISKIN W: STEPHEN DOWNING/JOHN MICHAEL HAYES (uncredited) Based on the life of Buford Pusser (who was a consultant), Joe Don Baker stars as the ex-pro wrestler who returns to his country home down-South and becomes sheriff. He fights against corrupt cops and has a black deputy and a white deputy (Bruce Glover). It seems a little overlong nowadays (about two hours), but this was a drive-in hit and it does feature some quality reactionary/exploitation moments to make it worthwhile. With Gene Evans, Noah Beery Jr., Logan Ramsey, Kenneth Tobey, Gil Perkins, Carey Loftin, Douglas Fowley, Don Keefer, John Myhers, Lurene Tuttle. Leig Garrett and Red West. Made with Bing Crosby’s money, and with a Johnny Mathis theme tune.

WALKING TALL (2004 US) D: KEVIN BRAY W: DAVID KLASS/CHANNING GIBSON/DAVID LEVIEN/ BRIAN KOPPELMAN P: ASHOK AMRITRAJ/JIM BURKE/LUCAS FOSTER/DAVID HUBERMAN/PAUL SCHIFF Dwayne Johnson (aka The Rock, from THE SCORPION KING) stars as an ex-military smalltown sheriff vigilante in this worthless retread that doesn’t even deliver any exciting, mindless violence worth sitting through. With Johnny Knoxville, Neal McDonough, Ashley Scott, Khleo Telek, Ty Olsson and Mike Dopud. Two direct-to-tv sequels followed in 2007 (sans Rock).

WALKING TALL PART 2: THE LEGEND OF BUFORD PUSSER (legend of the lawman) (1975 US) D: EARL BELLAMY W: HOWARD B. KREITSEK P: CHARLES A. PRATT Pusser himself was supposed to star in this AIP sequel, but died in a car crash prior to filming (a fact that the filmmakers point out and make seem like a conspiracy). So Bo Svenson became the legendary vigilante sheriff. He’s good, as is this movie. Richard Jaeckel is a race car driver hired to kill him by villain Noah Beery Jr. With Bruce Glover, Logan Ramsey, Lurene Tuttle, William Bryant, Robert DoQui and Red Star. Svenson returned in WALKING TALL: THE FINAL CHAPTER and a WALKING TALL tv series. Brian Dennehy also played Pusser in the tv movie A REAL AMERICAN HERO (1978). [Illus.]

WALKING TALL: THE FINAL CHAPTER (1977 US) D: JACK STARRETT W: HOWARD B. KREITSEK/ SAMUEL A. PEEPLES P: CHARLES A. PRATT I guess that Pusser fanatics will be pleased with this third part that takes us right up to his death in a car accident, after he gets to see his life up on-screen in the original movie. But it’s easily the least enjoyable in the series. Svenson returns, with Forrest Tucker, Bruce Glover, H.B. Haggerty, Lurene Tuttle and Logan Ramsey.

THE WALLS OF ABASHIRI See: ABASHIRI PRISON

WAM BAM THANK YOU SPACEMAN (erotic encounters of the fourth kind) (1975 US) D/P: WILLIAM A. LEVEY W: SHOMO D. WEINSTEIN P: HARRY NOVAK A couple of aliens (with funny heads) called Sgt. Jackoff and Private Asshole come to Earth to fuck human women. They talk on a monitor to Cpt. Putz who explains all about Operation Procreation and warns “watch out for faggots”. Jackoff and Asshole swear a lot, beam women onto their “fucking platform” and use a long protruding tongue to inseminate them. At the end babies are born. Wait until you hear the theme tune! This Boxoffice International release is from the director of BLACKENSTEIN, and it’s even worse! With Dyanne Thorne, Haji, Valda Hansen (from NIGHT OF THE GHOULS), Sandy Carey and Janice Karman (the voice of Alvin and the Chipminks). The dvd features the shorts THE PEEPER and DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (both unnoteworthy).

WANDA See: ALIEN FROM LA

WANDA, THE WICKED WARDEN See: GRETA, THE MAD BUTCHER

WANDERING GINZA BUTTERFLY (gincho wataridori) (1971 JPN) D/W: KAZUHIKO YAMAGUCHI W: ISAO MATSUMOTO For the Meiko Kaji fan who’s tired of watching the FEMALE PRISONER: SCORPION series or LADY SNOWBLOOD, try this crime flick which stars the beautiful Kaji as a former girl gang leader (STRAY CAT ROCK maybe?) and ex-con who becomes a hostess in Ginza to help pay back a woman (whose mafioso husband she murdered) who petitioned for her early release. Tsunehiko Watase co-stars as a sharp-dressing semi-gangster type with his name embroidered into the lapels of his striped suit. Tatsuo Umemiya is also on their side when the Owada gang try to muscle in on hostess club territory. It’s nothing more than a generic action programmer, but a fun one, complete with a tense billiard faceoff against a junky called 3-Ball Ryu (a light shines on his face during a freak-out), in which Kaji fans can catch her in a miniskirt with knee-length leather boots. She also sings the expected sad ballad on the soundtrack. With singer Hiroshi Itsuki, comedian Toru Yuri and a Paul Newman-in-THE HUSTLER poster. There was an ok sequel the following year.

WANDERING KID See: UROTSUKIDOJI

WANG YU, KING OF BOXERS See: TEN FINGERS OF STEEL

WANTED (1967 ITL SPN) D: “CALVIN PADGET” (GIORGIO FERRONI) W: AUGUSTO PINOCCHI/FERNANDO DI LEO/REMIGIO DEL GROSSO/MASSIMILIANO CAPRICCIOLI P: GIANNI HECHT LUCARI Giuliano Gemma is the new sheriff in town who’s at first a hero for protecting a convoy carrying gold to the Federal Reserve Bank, and then a hunted fugitive framed for murder in this overlong, humdrum western. With Terse Gimpera, Sege Marquard, German Cobos, Daniele Vargas, Nello Pazzafini, Tullio Altamura, Franco Balducci, Furio Meniconi, Carlo Piscane, Benito Stefanelli, Umberto Raho, Giovanni Ivan Scratuglia, Pietro Tordi and Nino Vingelli. Ferroni also directed Gemma in the same year’s FOR A FEW EXTRA DOLLARS.

WANTED! BRUCE LI, DEAD OR ALIVE See: DEADLY STRIKE

WANTED: THE SUNDANCE WOMAN (1976 US) D: LEE PHILIPS W: RICHARD FIEDLER P: RON PREISSMAN One year after Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid are shot dead, Sundance’s girlfriend Etta Place (Katharine Ross) is hunted by obsessive detective Steve Forrest. She teams up with Pancho Villa (Héctor Elizondo) in this forgettable tv movie. With Stella Stevens, Michael Constantine and Katherine Helmond.

WAR BETWEEN DRAGON AND TIGER See: NINJA VS. SHAOLIN GUARDS

THE WARD (2010 US) D: JOHN CARPENTER W: MICHAEL & SHAWN RASMUSSEN P: DOUG MANKOFF/ PETER BLOCK/MIKE MARCUS/ANDREW SPAULDING In 1966, runaway teen (Amber Heard) finds herself at North Bend Psychiatric Clinic (in Oregon) after setting a farmhouse on fire. The lockdown ward is occupied by other female inmates (far more attractive than I would imagine is realistic), all in fear of something that lurks in the halls at night. Carpenter’s first feature since GHOSTS OF MARS starts off pretty good, but ends only ok. Mildly engaging horror, but much ado about nothing at the end of the day. With (daughter of Meryl Streep) Mamie Gummer, Danielle Panabaker, Laura-Leigh, Lyndsy Fonseca, Mika Boorem and Jared Harris as the main doctor. The Rasmussens made DARK FEED (2011).

WARD 13 See: X-RAY

WAREHOUSE See: BLIND BEAST

WARHEAD (1974) See: PRISONER IN THE MIDDLE

WARHEAD (judgement day) (1996 US) D: MARK ROPER W: JEFF ALBERT W/P: DANNY LERNER An extremist terrorist group calling themselves the American True Patriots (they seem to hate tax dollars going to foreigners) unleash a series of attacks, culminating in a very dangerous stand-off with the government concerning a government nuke (I think, I was pretty fucked-up when I watched this). Frank Zagarino stars, and it’s all pretty boring. With Joe Lara.

WARHEADS See: THE BIG HIT

WARLOCK (1988 US) D/P: STEVE MINER W: DAVID TWOHY Julian Sands is an evil witch/warlock who escapes punishment in 17th century Boston and is pursued in the modern-day by heroic Richard E. Grant (doing a Scottish accent). Sands is trying to bring about Armageddon by finding the pages of an old book and can fly if he boils the fat of unbaptised little boys. Grant’s unfunny comic relief female sidekick is aged by twenty years every day thanks to Sands’ spell. WARLOCK is an entertaining, if not completely successful (and occasionally silly) comic book fantasy. With Mary Woronov as a channeller, Anna Levine and Ian Abercrombie. Roger Corman and Brian Yuzna were executive producers.

WARLOCK 2: THE ARMAGEDDON (1993 US) D: ANTHONY HICKOX W: KEVIN ROCK/SAM BERNHARD P: PETER ABRAMS/ROBERT L. LEVY This is a relatively fun sequel from the director of the WAXWORK movies. Julian Sands returns to find five precious stones that could bring about Armageddon. Paula Marshall and some guy are the teen heroes who find out they are Druid warriors destined to fight Sands. Bob Keen provides the bloody FX. Parts are really good or really silly in pretty much equal measure. With R.G. Armstrong, Joanna Pacula, Bruce Glover, Ferdinand Mayne, George “Buck” Flower, Zach Galligan, Wendy Hamilton and Hickox. James D.R. Hickox (BLOOD SURF) was one of the editors.

WARLOCK 3: THE END OF INNOCENCE (1998 US) D/W: ERIC FREISER W/P: BRUCE DAVID EISEN Ashley Laurence is an orphaned student who travels to her big, old, empty ancestral house in New England before it’s torn down. Because she’s the daughter of a witch (or something), warlock Bruce Payne (replacing Julian Sands) turns up (under the guise of an architect) to turn Laurence’s annoying student friends against her and claim her soul (or something). This pretty much unrelated sequel gets pretty nonsensical towards the end and is not entertaining like the first two. With Angel Boris from the pages of Playboy, who has the topless scene. It was filmed in Ireland.

WARLOCK: TALE OF A VAMPIRE See: TALE OF A VAMPIRE

WARLORDS OF ATLANTIS (warlords of the deep) (1978 UK US) D: KEVIN CONNOR W: BRIAN HAYLES P: JOHN DARK While testing a diving bell and finding treasure at sea, Doug McClure and the crew of a ship captained by Shane Rimmer are snatched by a giant octopus, and become the prisoners of the rulers of Atlantis (originally from Mars). Other kidnapped humans provide slave labour for the intellectually superior aliens. As a kid it was fairly painless to sit through McClure and the drama for the pay-off dinosaur/monster scenes. As an adult it’s a real chore, and the FX do not make it worthwhile (I imagine the kids of today would be even less charitable than me). With Cyd Charisse and Michael Gothard as Atlanteans, Daniel Massey, John Ratzenberger and Robert Brown. McClure was also in Connor’s similar subterranean version, AT THE EARTH’S CORE.

WARLORDS OF THE DEEP See: WARLORDS OF ATLANTIS

WARLORDS OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY (battletruck) (1982 NZ) D/W: HARLEY COKLISS W: IRVING AUSTIN/JOHN BEACH P: LLOYD PHILLIPS/ ROB WHITEHOUSE The American filmmakers behind this went to another continent to cash in on MAD MAX, utilising the rugged terrain for yet another post-nuke gasoline shortage western. The result? Michael Beck is Hunter, a motorcycle-riding loner who helps a community fight against scavengers in an armoured truck. It does not stand out in the crowded subgenre. With Bruno Lawrence (from better post-apoc movie THE QUIET EARTH), and John Ratzenberger. It was shot in Otago. Cokliss also made BLACK MOON RISING and DREAM DEMON (1988).

WARLORD 3000 (atomic laser 3000; warlords 3000; dark vengeance) (1992 US) D/W/P: FAROUQ AHMED W: RON HERBST In the post-nuke future (the Mojave Desert), a guy searches for his family’s killers. Dull. With Denice Duff and James Lew.

WARLORDS 3000 See: WARLORD 3000

THE WARNING See: WITHOUT WARNING

WARNING SIGN (bio-inferno) (1985 US) D/W/P: HAL BARWOOD W: MATTHEW ROBBINS P: JIM BLOOM A genetic engineering plant in Utah that’s supposed to be working for agriculture is actually a germ warfare plant. Workers turn into crazed killers (kinda like in Romero’s THE CRAZIES) when a virus is accidentally released. Sam Waterston is the local sheriff hero whose wife (Kathleen Quinlan) is a security officer trapped inside the sealed complex. Jeffrey De Munn is a scientist who helps Waterston find an anti-toxin while a government body (led by Yaphet Kotto) try to cover things up. It’s ok, but not very exciting. With G.W. Bailey, Richard Dysart, Jerry Hardin and Keith Szarabajka. 20th Century Fox had to give up the title BIOHAZARD because Fred Olen Ray’s film of the same name started production first.

A WARNING TO THE CURIOUS (1972 UK) D/W/P: LAWRENCE GORDON CLARK Peter Vaughan stars as an unemployed Londoner (circa 1920s, I guess) who comes to the Norfolk coast in East Anglia to search for the third of the fabled Saxon crowns that was buried in the ground to protect from invasion by sea. This creepy 50 mins BBC Ghost Story For Christmas, based on the writings of M.R. James (following THE STALLS OF BARCHESTER), comes into its own with dreamlike scenes of Vaughan being chased by someone after unearthing the treasure. Clive Swift co-stars as a vacationing doctor who aids the haunted treasure hunter. With George Benson as a vicar. The script shows Clark’s flair for fine adaptation, it bearing some significant changes from the original, fine story. If more people than those who caught the original broadcasts (or rare repeats) had seen these James adaptations, Clark would now be considered one of the great horror auteurs of the 70s. Hopefully the BFI dvd releases will spread the word. The following year saw LOST HEARTS.

THE WAR OF 1995 See: BEYOND THE TIME BARRIER

WAR OF THE ALIENS See: STARSHIP INVASIONS

WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST (1958 US) D/W/P: BERT I. GORDON W: GEORGE WORTHING YATES THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN is alive and not very well in Mexico (and played by a different actor, Dean Parkin, also in THE CYCLOPS), with an empty right eye socket. The army capture him and put him in an aeroplane hanger. But he escapes and terrorises kids in a school bus in LA. When he commits suicide by grabbing electric wires at the end, the b/w bursts into colour briefly. With Russ Bender and Roy Gordon. No better than the original and not quite as charming.

WAR OF THE GARGANTUANS (frankenstein no kaiju, sanda tai gaira) (1966 JPN) D/W: ISHIRO HONDA W: “KAORU MABUCHI” (TAKESHI KIMURA) P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA In this ok direct sequel to FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD, Russ Tamblyn replaces Nick Adams as the scientist in Kyoto helping the military to distinguish between good “Frankenstein’s monster” Sanda (from the original) and the evil Gaira. AIP decided against promoting this as a sequel in the US so cut out all references to the original (Gaira was cloned from Sanda’s hand). This review refers to the Japanese version. With Kumi Mizuno, Kipp Hamilton, Yoshifumi Tajima, Kenji Sahara, Jun Tazaki, Haruo Nakajima, Nobuo Nakamura, Ikio Sawamura, Ren Yamamoto and Nadao Kirino.

WAR OF THE MONSTERS (1966) See: GAMERA VS. BARUGON

WAR OF THE MONSTERS (1972) See: GODZILLA VS. GIGAN

WAR OF THE PLANETS (1955) See: THIS ISLAND EARTH

WAR OF THE PLANETS (I diafanoidi vengano da marte) (1965 ITL) D/P: “ANTHONY M. DAWSON” (ANTONIO MARGHERITI) W: IVAN REINER/RENATO MORETTI P: JOSEPH FRYD/WALTER MANLEY Aliens made from light that can disguise themselves as clouds of smoke (a lousy, unimaginative effect) control human space station workers’ minds and attempt to destroy the Earth. They also threaten to send you fast asleep. With Tony Russel, Lisa Gastoni, Franco Nero, Erino Fiermonte, Umberto Raho, Massimo Serato, Michel Lemoine and Franco Ressel. I liked Margheriti’s previous THE WILD, WILD PLANET, but this one is all talk. His other sci-fis from around the same time were WAR BETWEEN THE PLANETS and LA MORTE VIENE PIANETA AYTIN.

WAR OF THE PLANETS (cosmos: war of the planets; cosmo 2000; space wolf; battle of the stars; l’invasion extracorpi; battaglie negli spazi stellari) (1978 ITL) D/W: “AL BRADLEY” (ALFONSO BRESCIA) W: “AL CRYDO” (GIACOMO MAZZOCHI/MASSIMO LO JACONO) P: DORO VLADO HRELJANOVIC/“LOUIS ALESE” (LUIGI ALESSI) Future space explorers in white uniforms and red helmets receive a distress signal from a distant planet. Once there, they discover a race of telepathic humanoid aliens (with green skin) and the (laughable) out of control killer robot that they created to control their world. The robot (with glowing eyes) is out to conquer the galaxy, and those it kills return as dangerous, mindless zombies. This very cheap-looking space adventure veers between enjoyable ineptness and long scenes of nothing but talk. It makes for surreal late-night viewing. With Malisa Longo, John Richardson, a strange electronic soundtrack and a downbeat surprise ending. Brescia made four more STAR WARS-inspired movies around the same time: WAR IN SPACE, WAR OF THE ROBOTS, THE BEAST IN SPACE and CAPTIVE PLANET.

WAR OF THE SHAOLIN TEMPLE (monks go crazy; 13 poles from shaolin; sap saam dui wah gwing; shi san dian han shang) (1980 TAI) D: LIN DAH-TSAO P: HUANG SING MING Fairly typical Shaolin vs invaders plot highlights the exploits of one brash student’s urge to learn kung fu from the “crazy monk” so he can avenge the death of his family. Some of the pole fighting is good, but I’d still give it a miss if I were you. There were a few familiar faces, but the only one I could identify for sure was Chiang Sheng (who doesn’t last long). There was another film called WAR OF THE SHAOLIN TEMPLE out of Hong Kong in 1983.

WAR OF THE WORLDS (1953 US) D: BYRON HASKIN W: BARRÉ LYNDON P: GEORGE PAL I have very much enjoyed other Haskin/Pal movies over the years, but this (meddling) version of H.G. Wells’ classic novel of alien invasion never really did it for me as a kid. Bear in mind that I am very much in the minority, and it is worth seeing for the FX and Martian miniships zipping around. With Gene Barry, Ann Robinson, Carolyn Jones, Les Tremayne, Alvy Moore, Paul Birch, Cedric Hardwicke, Robert Cornthwaite, Paul Frees, William Phipps, Henry Brandon, Jack Kruschen, Eric Alden, Russ Bender, Ann Codee, Russ Conway, Ralph Dumke, Jimmie Dundee, Al Ferguson, Charles Gemora (as a Martian), Ned Glass, Fred Graham, Joe Gray, Ivan Lebedoff, John Maxwell, David McMahon, Ralph Montgomery, producer Pal, Walter Sande, James Seay, David Sharpe, Dale Van Sickel, Dorothy Vernon, Anthony Warde and Bud Wolfe. Steven Spielberg’s 2005 update was surprisingly dark and worthwhile.

WAR PARTY (1988 US) D: FRANC RODDAM W: SPENCER EASTMAN/P: JOHN DALY/DEREK GIBSON/ BERNIE WILLIAMS During a Labor Day re-enactment of a battle between Native Indians and the US cavalry, a real bullet from a white man’s gun kills an Indian. A small group of young men (including Kevin Dillon, whose characters is “3/8’s”) retaliate and run off into the mountains on horseback. A tracker (M. Emmet Walsh) and the National Guard follow. Characters talk about the “lying white man” in dialogue that really seems shoehorned in to make some kind of point. Jerry Hardin is the sheriff and Bill McKinney is the mayor, with Tantoo Cardinal, Guy Boyd and Scott Burkholder. A vengeful modernday band of Native Indians could be the basis for a good movie. This is not it.

WARPED See: CREEPTALES

WARRING CLANS (sengoku yaro) (1963 JPN) D/W: KIHACHI OKAMOTO W: KEN SANO/SHINICHI SEKIZAWA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA Yuzo Kayama stars as a former foot soldier of shogun Takeda Shingen, who’s decided to go solo. He meets Ichiro Nakatani on the road, and they both join a band of goods transporters to try to escape ninja spies intent on killing them. Kumi Mizuno (familiar from several Toho monster movies) is the feisty beauty who leads them. Makoto Sato (from Okamoto’s DESPERADO OUTPOST) is excellent (and makes me think he would have been a good live-action Lupin III) as a vassal of opposition leader Nobunaga Oda, who wants to transport modern weapons to his master’s troops. This very entertaining near-classic 16th century adventure has action, drama, a love triangle and laughs (Okamoto’s unique black comedy), and was probably an audience-pleasing hit. But it has also weathered as a more substantial, standout chambara for modern fans. Highly recommended. With Yuriko Hoshi as a pirate princess, Hideo Amamoto, Jun Tazaki, Tadao Nakamura, Tatsuyoshi Ehara, Yutaka Nakayama, Yoshifumi Tajima, Kazuo Suzuki, Ren Yamamoto, Ikio Sawamura, Yasuhisa Tsutsumi and Naoya Kusakawa. Expertly shot in b/w by Yuzuru Aizawa.

THE WARRIOR (jaka sembung) (1981 INDO) D: SISWOROR GAUTAMA PUTRA W: DARTO JUNED P: COPE T. SAMTANI Indonesian superstar Barry Prima stars as strong martial arts and sword fighting folk hero Jaka Sembung in the first part of a trilogy (actually there may also be a fourth movie). He leads a revolt against oppressive Dutch invaders who have enlisted the help of an evil wizard. The best parts feature typically gory Indo fantasy, like the floating eyeballs and the final duel when the evil wizard’s decapitated head flies through the air. With W.D. Mochtar, Eva Arnaz and “a cast of thousands”.

THE WARRIOR AND THE BLIND SWORDSMAN (the warrior 2; jaka sembung vs si buta) (1983 INDO) D: YASRI JAKOB W: DARTO JONED P: SABRINI KASDANI Barry Prima returns as folk hero Jaka Sembung to battle evil Dutch invaders. This time he’s aided by the blind swordsman (Advent Benguin) and hindered by an evil witch. Like the original, it’s an interesting mix of martial arts and magic with some gore thrown in for luck. The blind swordsman was originally conceived as a 60s comic book character and had appeared in earlier Indonesian films. Not just a Zatoichi clone that some might assume. With W.D. Mochtar and Nyl Roro Kidul.

THE WARRIOR AND THE NINJA (jaka sembung and bergola ijo) (1985 INDO) D: H. TIJUT DJALIL W: ENDANG KUSNADI/DJAIR/IMAM TANTOWI P: GOPE T. SAMTANI More slightly gory Indo fantasy/ martial arts fun with Barry Prima as folk hero Jaka Sembung fighting the Dutch invaders. This time he’s helped by a female “ninja”. There’s a new villain as well, a “man of iron” who emerges from a volcano.

THE WARRIOR AND THE SORCERESS (kain del planeta oscura) (1984 US ARG) D/W/P: JOHN BRODERICK W: WILLIAM STOUT P: FRANK K. ISAAC JR. David Carradine stars in this post-nuke YOJIMBO copy made in Argentina. He’s a travelling “holy warrior” with a long sword who arrives in a small fortress village where Zeg and Bal Caz hire soldiers to fight for control of the well. Oppressed villagers thirst and Carradine plays each faction against each other. It’s short enough (under 90 mins) to not get too boring, but it’s not very good, either. Most of the female cast are topless throughout (including title sorceress Maria Socas and a dancer with four breasts). There’s a silly, briefly seen monster with tentacles and big, sharp teeth.

WARRIOR OF JUSTICE See: INVITATION TO DIE

WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD (mad rider; i predatori dell‘anzo omega; il giustiziere delle terra perduta) (1983 ITL) D/W: DAVID WORTH P: ROBERTO BESSI/ FRANK E. HILDEBRAND An unshaven, mumbling Robert Ginty rides a very annoying talking computerised motorbike in a post-nuke world with MAD MAX-inspired chases and customised cars. He turns out to be the reluctant “chosen one” who must rescue Persis Khambatta from evil dictator Donald Pleasence. Dumb, but Ginty’s hyperclichéd anti-hero and Pleasence raised a few smiles. With Ennio Antonelli.

THE WARRIORS (1979 US) D/W: WALTER HILL W: DAVID SHABER P: LAWRENCE GORDON This is one of the great gang movies, a cult hit that’s remembered by all who see it. A small-time gang from Coney Island travel to Central Park in Manhattan for a big gang meeting. They’re framed for the murder of gang overlord Cyrus and have to make it back to their own turf without getting killed by other gangs (aided by a sexy Greek chorus female radio DJ, like Super Soul in VANISHING POINT). Hill wisely decided to forego realism for a more mythical approach. There’s very good location use of the NYC underground and the underrated David Patrick Kelley is more memorable as the villain (“warriors, come out to play-i-ay”) than any of the leads. With Michael Beck (XANADU), James Remar, Steve James, Irwin Keyes and Craig R. Baxley. Based on a novel by Sol Yurick.

WARRIORS OF THE SACRED TEMPLE See: TEN BROTHERS OF SHAOLIN

WARRIORS OF THE WASTELAND (metropolis 2000; the new barbarians; 2019: I nuovi barbari) (1982 ITL) D/W: ENZO G. CASTELLARI W: TITO CARPI/ ANTONIO VISONE P: FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS Castellari (who also acts here apparently) can make a decent movie when he tries, but this is just another bad post-nuke ROAD WARRIOR-in-a-quarry quickie starring a crossbow carrying Fred Williamson (in a lot of trashy Italian movies, including the BLACK COBRA series). George Eastman leads the villainous Templar tribe who have a vehicle that can decapitate people. To be fair, I’ve sat through worst, but my celluloid masochism should not deceive you into renting this crap. With Venantino Venantini, Massimo Vanni, Ennio Girolami and that little kid from THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY.

WARRIORS OF THE WIND See: NAUSICAA OF THE VALLEY OF THE WIND

WARRIORS OF THE YEAR 2072 See: ROME 2072: THE FIGHTER CENTURIONS

WARRIORS: THE BLACK PANTHER See: THE BLACK PANTHER WARRIORS

WARRIORS TWO (chan sing sang yue chau; zan xian sheng yu zhao gong hua) (1978 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG W: SZE-TO ON P: RAYMOND CHOW The same year as ENTER THE FAT DRAGON, Sammo made this typically great mix of brutal kung fu, dodgy broad comedy and breathtaking stunts and wirework. Casanova Wong stars as the new pupil taught by master Leung Kar Yan. Sammo gives himself an idiotic role. Plotting is not its strong point, but who cares with this much fighting talent on-screen. Fong Hak On, Lee Hoi San, Chung Faat, Chin Yuet San, Meng Hoi, Eric Tsang, Mars, Dean Shek, Lau Kar Wing, Yueng Wai, Lam Ching Ying, Peter Chan Lung, Yuen Biao, Billy Chan and Yuen Miu are all in the cast.

THE WARS OF THE ZODIACS (1979? TAI) D: HOU CHENG W: JAN SHIY FARN P: HOU HSING LIN As if the brain-damaged ZODIAC FIGHTERS wasn’t enough stupidity for one world, a sequel (!) followed and this is it. The print I saw lacked English dubbing or subtitles but I doubt I’m missing much. The story revolves around a fight between Western zodiacs and Eastern zodiacs and the costumes are just as ridiculous as ever. I particularly liked the guy trying to act straight-faced with a chicken on his head! Another has a teapot hat!! Once again it ends with a showdown at the beach, where Neptune (!!!) rides a whale up on to the beach (!?) and unleashes more costumed monstrosities from its mouth. Turtle men who can fly, puffer fish mermaids, seductive clam women (!), the return of those inflatable sharks from the original, and, best of all, a small army of squid men! The mind does indeed boggle.

WAR VICTIMS (kamp tawanan wanita) (1983 INDO) D: JON BIERIUM W/P: RAAM PUNJAMI W: PIET BURNAMA This is a reasonably fun piece of racist exploitation. The opening narration is an overenthusiastic antiwar sermon that claims the film is “just to remind us” of the horrors of war. Japanese soldiers rape and torture Malaysian women in a WWII prisoner of war camp. At one point, the question is asked whether it is “possible for a Japanese to have feelings?” This review refers to a Japanese rental video, dubbed in English.

WAR WITHOUT A CODE See: THE YAKUZA PAPERS

THE WASH (2001 US) D/W/P: D.J. POOH P: PHILIP G. ATWELL/RICK FREEMAN Room-mates Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg work at a car wash in this terrible remake of the fun 70s relic CAR WASH. But gone is the free-spirited fun of the 70s, so this is only for those who find lazy, self-indulgent and mean-spirited humour funny. With The Bishop Don Magic Juan, Tommy Chong, Angel Conwell, Pooh, Tom “Tiny” Lister, Ludacris, Shaquille O’Neal, Xzibit and cameos from Eminem and the insufferable Pauly Shore. The two rapper stars were also executive producers.

THE WASP WOMAN (1959 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN D: JACK HILL (uncredited) W: LEO GORDON/ KINTA ZERTUCHE Susan Cabot (SORORITY GIRL) stars as the head of a once popular cosmetics company with dwindling sales. Scientist Michael Mark comes to her with a serum that can reverse the ageing process, made from wasp enzyme extracts. After testing on animals, Cabot offers herself as a human guinea pig and soon looks noticeably younger. But when Mark is involved in an accident, she has to go without her regular injections. The side effects of withdrawal are pretty drastic and she becomes a blood-drinking monster with furry head (and pincers), bug eyes and antennae! Likeable b/w nonsense from Corman, with Bruno VeSota as a comic relief nightwatchman victim, Frank Gerstle, Anthony Eisley, Roy Gordon, Frank Wolff and Corman himself as a doctor. There’s also a reference to DR. CYCLOPS. In 1962, new footage of Mark was added for tv. There was a tv remake in the 90s.

THE WASP WOMAN (forbidden beauty; the face) (1995 US) D: JIM WYNORSKI W: DANIELLA PURCELL/ GUY PREVOST P: MIKE ELLIOTT In this more ridiculous yet ponderous and less fun remake from executive producer Roger Corman, Jennifer Rubin stars as the ageing cosmetics company owner who takes an experimental drug made from wasp hormones to stay young. The resulting giant (man-inasuit) wasp monster has big breasts and a bustier (!) and bites Gerrit Graham’s dick off. With Daniel J. Travanti, Maria Ford, Jay Richardson, Richard Gabai, Fred Olen Ray, Rob Kerchner, Julie K. Smith, car crash stock footage and Bronson Canyon.

WATARI, THE NINJA BOY (dai ninjutsu eiga watari) (1966 JPN) D: SADAO NAKAJIMA W: SATOSHI INOUE/TOSHIICHI NISHIMURA P: HIROSHI OKAWA In this bizarre, colourful and cartoonish kids’ action fantasy based on a comic strip by Sanpe Shirato, a young flute-playing kid with a big axe on a chain and the powers of “transfiguration art” helps a ninja clan do battle with the bad guys. It’s a musical for a little bit, there’s a peg-leg ninja (!), some animation and the characters suddenly use amazing magical powers, only to never use them again despite being pretty handy. This make-it-up-as-they-went-along approach keeps amused viewers on their toes. With Monoru Ooki, Ryutaro Otomo and Asao Uchida.

THE WATCHER (2000 US) D: JOE CHARBANIC W: DAVID ELLIOTT/CLAY AYERS/DARCY MEYERS P: CHRISTOPHER EBERTS/ELLIOT LEWITT/JEFF RICE/ NILE NIAMI James Spader is an LA FBI agent retired to Chicago, burning out on medicinal drugs. Keanu Reeves is very unconvincing as a serial killer/ stalker who follows him to resume their cat and mouse “relationship” by posting him photos of the next victims. Spader is good and this is well made, but not very interesting or exciting, and Reeves leaves a big hole with his usual terrible performance. Marisa Tomei is Spader’s psychiatrist, with Ernie Hudson and Chris Ellis and a bad fire FX finale. Buzz Fetishans IV was the cinematographer.

WATCHER IN THE ATTIC See: THE WALKER IN THE ATTIC (1976)

WATCHERS (1988 CAN) D: JOHN HESS W/P: DAMIAN LEE W: BILL FREED P: DAVID MITCHELL A golden retriever “tracker” and a hunter/killer “Oxcom” (a hairy ape-like monster) escape from a top secret research laboratory during a fire. Corey Haim and his mum (Barbara Williams) look after the dog and the Oxcom comes after them and kills crap characters (including a stupid “cockney” who sings “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts”). Michael Ironside is a mysterious agent called in to track the animals (which have a psychic link). The potentially interesting premise (based on a portion of Dean R. Koontz’s novel) is wasted in this not very good horror movie. With Duncan Fraser, Frank C. Turner, Blu Mankujma, Jason Priestley and Don S. Davis. Roger Corman was the executive producer of this Concorde release. Lee was also responsible for FOOD OF THE GODS 2 and screenwriter Freed was Hitler’s head in THEY SAVED HITLER’S BRAIN!

WATCHERS 2 (1990 CAN) D: THIERRY NOTZ W: HENRY DOMINIC P: ROGER CORMAN/RODMAN FLENDER Nice guy soldier Marc Singer is on his way to a stockade when a barely seen monster attacks the jeep transporting him, and a highly intelligent dog helps him escape. Those who have seen the first film know that they are part of a secret experiment. Tracy Scoggins co-stars as a scientist and Mary Woronov is wasted in a brief scene. Roger Corman was the executive producer of this Concorde release, only recommended for those who can’t get enough of Singer looking like an idiot. With Keisha.

WATCHERS 3 (death creature) (1993 US PERU) D: JEREMY STANFORD W: MICHAEL PALMER P: LUIS LLOSA After the impressive computer-generated FX of PREDATOR, I don’t know why executive producer Roger Corman (it’s from his New Horizons) thought he could get away with ripping it off using a (bad) man-in-a-suit monster. Wings Hauser stars and a connection to the earlier movies is shoehorned in so they could use Dean R. Koontz’s name (he sued). With Gregory Scott Cummins, Frank Novak and that clever dog.

WATCHERS REBORN (d.n.a. 4) (199 US) D: JOHN CARL BUECHLER W: SEAN DASH P: DARAN SPILLMAN Roger Corman was the executive producer of this unnecessary fourth WATCHERS movie from Concorde. Kane Hodder is the monster tracking the telepathic dog. Mark Hamill (also a co-producer) is a weary cop who gets involved with a research scientist and befriends the dog. No one needed this sequel, and it sucks. With Gary Collins, Larry Cedar and Robert Peters.

WATCH THE SKIES See: XTRO 3

WATERHOLE #3 (1967 US) D: WILLIAM A. GRAHAM W/P: JOSEPH T. STECK W: ROBERT R. YOUNG James Coburn heads the cast of this comedy western about a hunt for stolen Union gold bullion. Balladeer Roger Williams is on the soundtrack throughout singing about the code of the West. Some have accused it of being dated and sexist, but considering when it was made and Williams’ ballad, it’s more of a revisionist look at the old west as opposed to a celebration. Parts are very good, and overall it stands up as way above average. The cast is also interesting: Carroll O’Connor, Claude Akins, Timothy Carey, Bruce Dern, Joan Blondell, Roy Jenson, Robert Cornthwaite and Roger Miller.

THE WATER MARGIN See: ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS

WATERPOWER See: THE ENEMA BANDIT

WATERSHIP WARRIOR See: HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT

WATERSIDE STORY See: ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS

WATERWORLD (1995 US) D: KEVIN REYNOLDS D/P: KEVIN COSTNER W: PETE RADER/DAVID TWO HY P: JOHN DAVIS/CHARLES GORDON/LAWRENCE GORDON This expensive flop is the epitome of money-wasting, overblown (and overlong) ego trip movies. It’s the future and almost all of the world is under water. Costner stars as the hero who has half a map tattooed on his head (leading the way to land or something). Jeanne Tripplehorn’s little kid has the rest of it, if I remember correctly. Dennis Hopper overdoes it as the scarred eyepatch-wearing villain who rides around with his gang on jet skis. When it went over budget (finally reaching the $175m mark) and over schedule (due to the difficulties of filming on water) Reynolds left the production and Costner took over. I think they’re both equally to blame, and the script (full of trivial and not so trivial inaccuracies) is fucking terrible. I almost fell asleep seeing it in a theatre. With Zakes Mokae, Jack Kehler, Tina Majorino, Michael Jeter, Robert Joy, John Fleck, Jack Black, John Toles-Bey, Kim Coates, Robert LaSardo, Sean Whalen, Lee Arenberg and Victor Sanchez. Costner returned with another epic futuristic disaster movie, THE POSTMAN.

THE WATTS MONSTER See: DR. BLACK, MR. HYDE

WAVELENGTH (1983 US) D/W: MIKE GRAY P: JAMES ROSENFIELD This strange little movie has folk singer Robert Carradine and psychic Cherie Currie discovering frozen little aliens (actually babies) kept in a military installation underneath the Hollywood Hills. With Keenan Wynn and music from Tangerine Dream. Gray wrote THE CHINA SYNDROME.

WAX MASK (maschera di sera) (1996 ITL) D: SERGIO STIVALETTI W: LUCIO FULCI/DANIELE STROPPA W/P: DARIO ARGENTO P: GIUSEPPE COLUMBO Presenter Argento’s regular FX guy helmed this over-the-top yet tiresome and dull HOUSE OF WAX remake after Fulci died. Therefore this movie is dedicated to the great man who was supposed to direct. It was such a shame as it would have been the first time he had a decent budget to work with, and this atrocity is far from a fitting tribute. Robert Hossein is the museum owner/mad sculptor who tries to get his hands on new costume designer Romina Mondello (looking great naked and strapped to a lab table). Despite nice ideas and sets, Stivaletti is no master of suspense, and what the fuck is going on with the TERMINATOR rip-off ending? With Gabrielle Giorgelli. Best to avoid.

WAXWORK (1988 US W.GER) D/W: ANTHONY HICKOX P: STAFFAN AHRENBERG Zach Galligan leads the cast of annoying college students who visit a mysterious wax museum one night. The “wax figures” (who occasionally move) come to life and the kids become involved in historical scenes involving death (usually famous movie scene reconstructions). With Miles O’Keeffe, Patrick Macnee, John Rhys-Davies, David Warner (he owns the museum), Michelle Johnson, James D.R. Hickox and Dana Ashbrook. It’s ok, but the sequel was more fun. The director (who appears as the Maquis de Sade) is the son of Douglas (THEATRE OF BLOOD) Hickox.

WAXWORK 2: LOST IN TIME (1992 US) D/W: ANTHONY HICKOX P: NANCY PALOIAN Galligan returns (with model Monika Schnarre) and enters a time portal that transports him to spoof scenes of various horror and sci-fi classics. It’s not hilarious and parts are routine, but it’s worth seeing if just for the great b/w THE HAUNTING scene with pipe-smoking Bruce Campbell (who’s very funny). Fun enough, with Alexander Godunov, John Ireland, Buck Flower, Marina Sirtis, Michael Des Barres, Sophie Ward, David Carradine, Juliet Mills, Drew Barrymore and Patrick Macnee and David Warner from the original.

THE WAY OF THE DRAGON (return of the dragon; maang lung goh kong; meng long guo jiang) (1972 HK) D/W/P: BRUCE LEE P: RAYMOND CHOW After THE BIG BOSS and FIST OF FURY, Lee finally got creative control (he also choreographed the action along with Unicorn Chan) over this, his best prior to ENTER THE DRAGON. The plot is simplicity itself. Lee plays a Hong Kong country boy who comes to Rome to help restaurant-owning relatives fight back against pushy gangsters. After he beats up all the cronies, the mob calls in an expert American fighter (hairy Chuck Norris) and there’s a final face-off in a colosseum. The main problem I have with Lee is that his martial arts weren’t as cinematic as traditional kung fu, but in this instance his close-range style is well complemented by the camerawork and editing (and his own direction). And, although you might not find it hilarious, he did pioneer the kung fu comedy here, too, a form later perfected by Yuen Woo Ping, Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung etc. With a very cute Nora Miao, Wong Chung Shun, Malisa Longo, Ngai Ping Ngo, Gam Dai, Lau Wing and Bob Wall. Lee and Norris had also been in THE WRECKING CREW (1969).

THE WAY OF THE GUN (2000 US) D/W: CHRISTOPHER McQUARRIE P: KENNETH KOKIN Juliette Lewis is a surrogate mother for a rich couple and she’s having second thoughts about giving up her baby. Enter small-time criminal drifters Benicio Del Toro and Ryan Phillippe as kidnappers. What seems at first a slight spin on an old chestnut soon becomes a truly excellent, savagely written thriller which really digs deep into every aspect of its story’s undertones. The great cast (including James Caan, Geoffrey Lewis and Kristin Lehman) have memorable dialogue to sink their teeth into (“there’s always free cheese in a mousetrap”) and the pitch-black streak of humour is the icing on the cake. With Taye Diggs, Nicky Katt and Scott Wilson. The obviously talented McQuarrie wrote THE USUAL SUSPECTS.

WAY OUT LOVE See: THE TOUCH OF HER FLESH

W.B., BLUE AND THE BEAN (bail out; outrider) (1988 US) D/W/P: MAX KLEVEN P: DAVID HASSELHOFF/ SANFORD HAMPTON The tennis-playing bail bondsman White Bread (Hasselhoff) enlists the help of his black and Mexican rivals Blue and Bean (Thomas Rosales Jr.) to keep Linda Blair safe from South American drug-dealers. Her father (John Vernon) owes them money, so she’s the insurance that they’ll get it. Overlong comedic action movie is only for viewers who simply must see Hasselhoff sing La Bamba in the shower. With Roy Jenson, Danny Trejo, Bob Minor, Timothy Brown and Joe Tornatore (who directed Blair in GROTESQUE).

WEASELS RIP MY FLESH (1979 US) D/W/P: NATHAN H. SCHIFF A rocket containing samples from Venus returns to Earth. A couple of kids find a container with “Danger, radioactive contents” written on it in pen! They pour the yellow gook down a weasel’s burrow, resulting in a big, mutated monster with one eye. A guy hits the thing with his car and takes the severed arm home. It comes to life and attacks his friend who turns into a rabid killer! Even more happens in this very impressive and extremely low-budget hour-long amateur gore movie that would be celebrated today if it had been released back in the day. But post-production didn’t get underway until 2003 (!) when it slipped out on dvd. THE LONG ISLAND CANNIBAL MASSACRE and THEY DON’T CUT THE GRASS ANYMORE are the other two Schiff classics that didn’t see the light of day for far too long.

WEATHER GIRL (weather report girl; weather woman; otenki onesan) (1993 JPN) D: TOMOAKI HOSOYAMA P: TETSUJI HAYASHI/YOSHINORI UENO This unique comic fantasy based on an adult manga (which also spawned an animated series) deserves its cult following. When the regular weather girl is away on vacation, Kei Mizutani fills the slot. She shows her panties on live tv and becomes an overnight success, replacing the old weather girl (soon reduced to hosting the tv show “Hello, Perverts”, and getting an enema in the face). Another girl also has her eye on the weather girl position, so a long-time admirer of Mizutani’s helps her prepare for the inevitable duel by whipping her repeatedly until she becomes a weather witch. It’s sexy, funny and full of surprises, and more than worth a look. With Eisei Amamoto, Misa Aika, Ren Osugi, Kyomi Ito, celebrity cannibal Issei Sagawa and Saori Taira. A sequel/remake (with more nudity) followed in 1996.

WEBS (queen spider) (2003 US) D: DAVID WU W: GRENVILLE CASE/ROBINSON YOUNG P: DEREK RAPPAPORT A trio of electricians led by Richard Grieco find a portal to another dimension where human survivors fight a big spider that can turn humans into silly-looking half-spider drones (they basically just have long hairy arms). Toronto stands in for Chicago. With Colin Fox. The pits.

WEDDING TROUGH See: THE PIG FUCKING MOVIE

WEDLOCK (deadlock) (1991 US) D: LEWIS TEAGUE W: BRODERICK MILLER P: BRANKO LUSTIG Rutger Hauer pulls a diamond heist with James Remar and Joan Chen. They doublecross him and he ends up at a prison called Camp Holliday that has no walls or fences. Instead, prisoners are given an electronic neck collar that will explode if they stray 100 yards away from their “wedlock” partner (whom they can’t identify). Hauer and partner Mimi Rogers escape, but that’s just the beginning of this surprising, exciting action adventure. With Stephen Tobolowsky, Grand L. Bush, Glenn Plummer, Tina Lifford and Danny Trejo. There was a sequel.

WEEK END (1967 FRA ITL) D/W: JEAN-LUC GODARD A Parisian couple (Mireille Darc and Jean Yanne) go from one surreal set piece to the next when they go for a drive in the country in Godard’s most celebrated film. Away from the self-crippling arthouse this absurdist black comedy can be appreciated (some great scenes and hilarious dialogue) and criticised (very trying and irritating stretches that tip the scales far towards “experimental” at the cost of entertainment) in equal measure. Your individual tolerance will determine your enjoyment, but it’s worth noting that Godard has made far more accomplished movies than this. With Jean-Pierre Kalfon, Jean-Pierre Léaud and Yves Alfonzo.

WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S (1989 US) D: TED KOTCHEFF W: ROBERT KLANE P: VICTOR DRAI Silly black comedy about office workers Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy being invited to their boss Terry Kiser’s beach house. But when they arrive he turns out to be dead, and they try to carry on the charade that he’s alive (for some reason). With Don Calfa, George Cheung, Skeet Ulrich as an uncredited extra in his debut and Kotcheff. It was popular so a sequel followed.

WEEK OF THE KILLER See: THE CANNIBAL MAN

WEIRD CARTOONS (1986 US) This compilation from Rhino Entertainment is a good introduction to the world of surreal early 20th century animation. Modern viewers will probably be surprised at just how “weird” these are. They date from the 1900s to the 1940s and some use incredible, advanced techniques in puppeteering and models (with some even incorporating live action footage). My favourites are the incredible Frogland, the brief Hasher’s Delirium, the jaw-dropping The Devil’s Ball, Betty Boop in Crazy Town, and Cobweb Hotel. Some titles (Little Black Sambo, for instance) will turn heads today. It’s a Johnny Legend release. Another similar tape has some of the same titles, and some different, like the legendary, hilarious Bambi Meets Godzilla.

WEIRD SCIENCE (1985 US) D/W: JOHN HUGHES P: JOEL SILVER I hate this teen sci-fi comedy about Anthony Michael Hall creating “perfect” woman Kelly LeBrock using his computer. But it was enormously popular, so what do I know? The only funny part features Michael Berryman as a biker. With Bill Paxton, Vernon Wells, Robert Downey Jr., Steve James, Kym Malin and John Kapelos. A tv series based on this debuted in 1994.

THE WEIRD WORLD OF LSD (1967 US) D: ROBERT GROUND P: DOUG HOBART/ELI JACKSON/G.B. ROBERTS This b/w anti-LSD “documentary” is well-known for an often seen clip in which a man lying on a couch trips while imagining a cutout paper chicken dancing. This scene is hilarious, and if you’ve seen it, you’ve seen just about all this bore has to offer. Some other scenes involve stripping and unconvincing monster masks.

WELCOME HOME BROTHER CHARLES See: SOUL VENGEANCE

WELCOME TO BLOOD CITY (blood city) (1977 UK CAN) D: PETER SASDY W: STEPHEN SCHNECK/ MICHAEL WINDER P: MARILYN STONEHOUSE/MAX ROSENBERG A bunch of strangers find themselves in an old Wild West town with no memory of how they got there. You have to be fast with a gun to not get pushed around by the hierarchy, including marshall Jack Palance. It turns out to be some kind of robot test which is watched on monitors by scientists including Samantha Eggar, who falls in love with hero Keir Dullea. It’s been compared with WESTWORLD, but beyond the robot/cowboy connection is pretty different. And unfortunately nowhere near as good. With Barry Morse, Ken James and Chuck Shamata. It was filmed in Ontario. [Illus.]

WELCOME TO COLLINWOOD (2002 US GER) D/W: ANTHONY and JOE RUSSO P: GEORGE CLOONEY/ STEVEN SODERBERGH A bunch of lowlife losers in Collinwood, Cleveland, try to pull off the most incompetent heist of diamonds from a jewellery store safe in an unspecified time period. This remake of the 1958 Italian movie BIG DEAL ON MADONNA STREET (previously the template for CRACKERS) is ok, but can’t decide if it’s farcical or ever so slight, so is infuriatingly inconsistent. With William H. Macy, Sam Rockwell, Isaiah Washington, Michael Jeter, Luis Guzman, Patricia Clarkson, Andrew Davoli, George Clooney, Jennifer Esposito and Gabrielle Union. PALOOKAVILLE was better.

WELCOME TO OBLIVION See: OBLIVION

WELCOME TO SPRING BREAK See: NIGHTMARE BEACH

WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE (1995 US) D/W/P: TODD SOLONDZ Heather Matarazzo is very good as an ugly duckling schoolgirl whose life is pretty much a living hell, from bullies at school to her uncaring suburban family. Solondz’s second feature after FEAR, ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION explores some of the same themes as his next movie HAPPINESS (also recommended). Some viewers hate and/ or are offended by the cynical tone of these pictures, but they’re realistic, believable and offer an important antidote to feelgood nostalgia pictures that not everyone is lucky enough to relate to. With Brendan Sexton III and Eric Mabius.

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (cannibals) (2007 US) D/W: JONATHAN HENSLEIGH P: GALE ANNE HURD Two young (irritating) couples vacationing in Fiji (where this was all filmed) film themselves on an expedition to Papua (or Irian Jaya), to search for the missing Michael Rockefeller (who disappeared there in 1961). Having been to Irian Jaya on holiday, it’s difficult for me to get past the cultural ignorance (similar to how post-HOSTEL films like TRAIN [2008] would irk Eastern Europeans), but that said, this is a not bad (if wholly unoriginal) CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST-lite for teens. Some impalement FX are incredibly realistic. From the director of the 2004 version of THE PUNISHER.

THE WELL (1997 AUSL) D: SAMANTHA LANG W: LAURA JONES P: SANDRA LEVY This slow-moving but quite good character study and (almost) psychological horror won awards in its home country. Pamela Rabe is a stuffy widow who hires a young new housemaid (Miranda Otto) who changes her life. They accidentally hit a man with their car and dump the body down a dry well, but that’s just the beginning. It’s based on a novel by Elizabeth Jolley. Both leads are good, the sparse landscape is nicely photographed by Mandy Walker, but your patience and tolerance will determine your enjoyment. With Paul Chubb.

WENDIGO (frostbiter: wrath of the wendigo) (1996 US) D/W/P: TOM CHANEY P: DAVID THIRY This cheap, tongue-in-cheek EVIL DEAD-inspired nonsense is a good example of how a rubber-puppet-monster-on-the-loose movie should be made. A bunch of hunters on a snowy island off the coast of Michigan have to deal with the evil supernatural force “wendigo” after its guardian is killed. It manifests itself as an old witch, a flying lizard that attacks a plane and more. It crosses over into all-out comedy more than once and has (intentionally) hilarious use of stupid, inappropriate music during “scary” scenes. Amidst all this silliness are some genuinely impressive stop-motion FX, including a human body that disintegrates into a vengeful skeleton and a cool Minotaur-style man/deer demon (that makes an appearance after the end credits have rolled). Ron Asheton (from The Stooges!) stars and wrote some of the music. There’s an EVIL DEAD 2 poster and a clip from IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE. Recommended diy feature (Chaney also photographed and edited) was released by Troma.

WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU (hell has no gates; kung fu cannibals; no door to hell; dei yuk miu moon; di yu wu men) (1980 HK) D: TSUI HARK W: ROY SZETO P: NG SEE YUEN I’ve heard Hark’s second feature (after THE BUTTERFLY MURDERS) described as a cannibal/horror movie satire. I reckon it’s more of a kung fu movie than anything else, that just so happens to have a village of human flesh-eating crazies in skin face masks as a backdrop. Norman Chu stars as a government agent after some bandit, and Melvin Wong is Rolex. The fight choreography is by Yuen Kwai (who appears) and Chien Yuet San. Unfunny comic relief is supplied by a guy in drag and there’s some minor gore. It’s reasonably entertaining if you don’t expect a classic. With Eddy Ko, David Wu, Lau Wing, Fung Fung, To Siu Ming and Hon Gwok Choi. Hark made DANGEROUS ENCOUNTERS: FIRST KIND next.

WEREWOLF (arizona werewolf) (1995 US MEX) D/W/P: TONY ZARINDAST W: BRAD HOMBACHER Stupid and boring werewolf movie begins with an archaeological dig uncovering some shape-shifting werewolf’s bones. Richard Lynch isn’t around long, but his assistant George Rivero injects some people and turns them into werewolves (including the director in a small part). Joe Estevez is the “star”.

THE WEREWOLF AND THE YETI (night of the howling beast; horror and the werewolf; hall of the mountain king; la maldicion de la bestia) (1975 SPN) D: MIGUEL IGLESIAS BONNS W: JACINTO MOLINA P: MODESTO PEREZ REDONDO Paul Naschy/Molina is part of an expedition in Tibet looking for the Abominable Snowman. Bandits and some cannibal women in a cave are also elements of this very disappointing werewolf vs Yeti horror. With Silvia Solar, Luis Induni and Vic Israel. A “video nasty” in the UK, it was Naschy’s eighth outing as Waldemar, and was followed by THE CRAVING (1980) and more.

WEREWOLF IN A GIRL’S DORMITORY (the ghoul in school; monster among the girls; ghoul in a girl’s dormitory; lyncanthropus; bei vollmond mord) (1962 ITL AUST) D: “RICHARD BENSON” (PAOLO HEUSCH) W: “JULIAN BARRY” (ERNESTO GASTALDI) P: “JACK FORREST” (GUIDO GIAMBARTOLEMEI) That memorable title (added in America, along with an English dub and Ghoul In School theme tune) hides a rather dull b/w whodunnit, as several characters are suspected of being the werewolf terrorising a boarding school for young women. The new teacher and former doctor (Carl Schell, brother of Maximilian) heroically attempts to solve the case and shift suspicion away from a crippled caretaker (“Alan Collins” aka Luciano Pigozzi, at his most Peter Lorrealike). There are other blackmailing/cheating subplots. With Curt Lowens, Barbara Lass as the main damsel in distress, and Maurice Marzac. From the director of THE DAY THE SKY EXPLODED (1958).

WEREWOLF IN A WOMENS PRISON (prison dead) (2007 US) D/W: JEFF LEROY W/P: VINCENT BILANCIO An American woman finds herself in a rat-infested South American women’s prison for the criminally insane, accused of killing her boyfriend. He (Bilancio) was in fact killed by a werewolf (a man in a shaggy monster suit with eyes that glow too brightly), and returns in a decomposed state (a homage to AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON) to explain that the curse has passed on to her. Meanwhile, the expected women-inprison clichés abound, with lots of nudity, lesbianism and sadism, all caught on webcam for internet voyeurs. An extremely cheap (the prison yard is an alleyway) tongue-in-cheek exploitation parody, with ambitious but ropey gore FX, and more good intentions than actual entertainment value (for me anyway). Domiziano Arcangeli is the warden, with Sean Cain, Sindy Lange and scenes shot at Bronson Canyon.

WEREWOLF OF LONDON (1935 US) D: STUART WALKER W: JAMES COLTON/ROBERT HARRIS P: STANLEY BERGERMAN/CARL LAEMMLE JR. Botanist Henry Hull is attacked and bitten in Tibet by a werewolf, but manages to return to London with the rare moon flower. His lab work leads to him neglecting his lovely wife (Valerie Hobson), almost driving her into the hands of an old flame. This jealousy coupled with a full moon results in a wolfman transformation. Warner Oland is the (Japanese?) Dr. Yogami, who comes snooping around after the flower, talks of lyncanthropy, and turns out to be another werewolf, the one who attacked Hull in Tibet. They are both in need of the moon flower antidote. The original Universal werewolf picture has not really aged well (and might not have been that well received in the first place, considering the studio offered what would nowadays be called a reboot with THE WOLF MAN), trundling along at a programmer pace, with no great surprises or shocks, nor a memorable set piece. With Lester Matthews, Lawrence Grant, Spring Byington, J.M. Kerrigan, Ethel Griffies, Zeffie Tilbury, Reginald Barlow, Egon Brecher, J. Gunnis Davis, Herbert Evans, Boyd Irwin, George Kirby, Tempe Pigott, Harry Stubbs, David Thursby and Beal Wong. Like THE MUMMY (and unlike DRACULA and FRANKENSTEIN), the original werewolf picture doesn’t seem to have a key literary text to draw from. Guy Endore’s The Werewolf of Paris wasn’t officially adapted until Hammer’s THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, and that doesn’t seem to have set a precedent.

THE WEREWOLF OF WASHINGTON (1973 US) D/W: MILTON MOSES GINSBERG P: NINA SCHULMAN White House press secretary Dean Stockwell is bitten by a werewolf in Budapest, and no one believes that he’s killing potential voters back in Washington, DC. Cheap-looking but endearing and sometimes very funny Watergate satire features Stockwell in amusing man-to-grey-haired-werewolf transformation scenes. With Clifton James as the attorney-general, dwarf actor Michael Dunn as Dr. Kiss (!), Despo Diamantidou and James Tolkan. Ginsberg had made COMING APART with Rip Torn (1969).

THE WEREWOLF OF WOODSTOCK (1973 US) D: JOHN MOFFITT W/P: BILL LEE/HANK SAROYAN Here’s an early shot-on-video ABCTV movie rarity worth seeking out for fans of bad cinema. After a very brief look at the Woodstock music festival on tv, an angry local drunk storms out of the house looking for hippies (“miserable freaks!”). He doesn’t find any, so instead smashes up equipment on a small stage (!?) before being struck by lightning. The bandaged angry man turns into a wolfman in a very cheap monster mask (courtesy of Joe Blasco) and clothes, but somehow returns to his bed all bandaged up again by morning. Local cops (led by Harold J. Stone, busy cooking spaghetti sauce) are convinced that the hairy prime suspect is a wild hippy, but visiting “Special Youth Officers” Michael Parks and Meredith MacRae don’t think so. Meanwhile, a visiting rock band (including Andrew Stevens) bicker and argue. The scene where they are asked to play loud enough to attract the angry werewolf is hilariously kooky. The end copies THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON. This pathetic, cheap-looking embarrassment was backed by executive producer Dick Clark! With a guitar score by Jerry Cole! Ann Doran and Richard Webb have parts. It was shot in California.

WEREWOLF SHADOW See: THE WEREWOLF VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMAN

THE WEREWOLF VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN (werewolf shadow; blood moon; shadow of the werewolf; la noche de walperguis; nacht der vampire) (1970 SPN W.GER) D: LEON KLIMOVSKY W: “JACINTO MOLINA” (PAUL NASCHY)/HANS MUNKELL P: SALVATORE ROMERO Fifth Naschy El Hombre Lobo wolfman movie is the best. Naschy returns to life after an autopsy removes a silver bullet from his body. A witch turns two female students into vampires and there’s lots of beautiful slow motion scenes that turn this into a dreamlike favourite. With Julio Pena, José Mario Davo and Bernabé Barta Barri. DR. JEKYLL AND THE WEREWOLF followed.

WEREWOLVES ON WHEELS (angel warriors 2) (1971 US) D/W: MICHAEL LEVESQUE W: DAVID M. KAUFMAN P: PAUL LEWIS A biker gang called The Devil’s Advocates have to rescue one of their women from a cult of hooded Satanists. But when they get her back, something isn’t right and some of the gang end up dead. Only one guy thinks it suspicious (“someone’s controlling the vibes”), but no one else believes as the wolf-to-man ratio soon changes. Effective oddity surprised me by working well as both a biker and a horror movie. Worth a look if you have the chance. Chuck Bail was the stunt co-ordinator. Levesque edited Russ Meyer movies.

WERNER HERZOG EATS HIS SHOE (1980 US) D/P: LES BLANK Herzog convinced Errol Morris to make his seminal GATES OF HEAVEN documentary, promising that if he pulled it off he would eat his shoe. Morris made his movie, and Herzog kept his promise, boiling his shoe with vegetables and eating it in front of a live audience. He also answers some questions and gives some inspiring motivation to young filmmakers. He also tells a story about a similar deal he made with the cast of his classic EVEN DWARFS STARTED SMALL (he jumped into some cactuses). A nice, short document by Blank, who also documented the making of Herzog’s FITZCARRALDO in BURDEN OF DREAMS.

WES CRAVEN’S NEW NIGHTMARE (1994 US) D/W: WES CRAVEN P: MARIANNE MADDALENA This interesting seventh NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET movie is much better than all the other sequels which it pokes fun at. Heather Langenkamp is Heather Langenkamp and other cast members (including Craven) play themselves also. Turns out that Freddy is actually real, and the movies are some kind of gate for him to enter the real world. Craven shows how great a horror director he can be in some fantastic scenes, but this “real-life fantasy” is overlong and culminates in a disappointing FX-filled climax. Definitely worth seeing, though. Langenkamp’s son in danger is the focus of most of the scare scenes. With John Saxon, Robert Shaye, Bodhi Elfman, Sam Rubin, W. Earl Brown, Lin Shaye and Robert Englund as Freddy and himself. Craven continued the self-referential theme with the hit SCREAM. FREDDY VS. JASON followed.

WES CRAVEN’S THE RIPPER See: MY SOUL TO TAKE

WESTWORLD (1973 US) D/W: MICHAEL CRICHTON P: PAUL LAZARUS III Not exactly a sci-fi “classic”, this is still an exciting and entertaining futuristic action movie. As you probably know, Richard Benjamin is the lone human survivor of Westworld, a futuristic theme park filled with human-looking androids which you can act out your violent or sexual fantasies with. That was until they malfunctioned and started killing the guests. Yul Brynner is creepy as the fast-drawing cowboy android who stalks Benjamin through the theme park complex. With James Brolin, Dick Van Patten, Steve Franken, Majel Barrett, Wade Crosby and Jared Martin. FUTUREWORLD followed.

WET AND WILD (virgins in heat; young and wet) (1976 US) D: MICHAEL FINDLAY An armed psycho in a ski mask breaks into a film projection booth and forces the projectionist to put on some porno reels. They’re all travelogue-style looks at NYC dens of inequity with some hilarious narration. It’s pretty much an hour of suck and fuck, and then the projectionist is shot dead at the end! The best part is a look at the old, sleazy 42nd Street where you can see a marquee for Findlay’s SNUFF (released the same year).

WET VASE (nureta tsuba) (1976 JPN) D: MASARU KONUMA W: AKIO MIYASHITA P: AKIRA MIURA Largely plotless Nikkatsu sex movie from one of its finest directors and stars. Naomi Tani is a bar hostess manipulated by a mannequin factory owner into perverse sex. Her mother is picking up men for casual sex, and her brother is a horny teen with the hots for her. All this could be less problematic if not for the fact that Tani seems to be a reluctant, hypersensitive nympho. Complete nonsense on a narrative level, Konuma once again delivers a memorable, dreamlike ode to post-coital tristesse, and the hopeless beauty of perversion. I enjoyed it. With Hiroko Fuji.

WHACK ATTACK See: DEATH DRUG

WHAT? See: DIARY OF FORBIDDEN DREAMS

WHAT A CARVE UP! (no place like homicide) (1961 UK) D: PAT JACKSON W: RAY LOONEY/TONY HILTON P: ROBERT S. BAKER/MONTY BERMAN This loose comedy remake of Karloff’s THE GHOUL has CARRY ON series regulars Kenneth Connor and Sid James at a remote Yorkshire castle for the reading of a will. It’s a highly enjoyable old dark house spooky comedy with a fun cast. Honor Blackman, Donald Pleasence, Michael Gough, Dennis Price, Shirley Eaton, Adam Faith, Frederick Piper and George Woodbridge.

WHAT A WONDERFUL DAYS (kyo hansha) (1999 JPN) D/W: KAZUHIRO KIUCHI P: TATSUYA KUNIMAT SU Naoto Takenaka is an ex-con who returns to Japan having bribed his way out of the death penalty in Brazil. Kyoko Koizumi is the bored woman who joins him in a life of crime after he saves her from an abusive husband. The slow-moving, uneventful story concerns stolen yakuza money and bad actor Yuya Uchida as a professional hitman. With Mikio Osawa, Kazuki Kitamura, Mako (from many cheap American movies) and Tatsuro Shigaki. Apparently when Takenaka was a stand-up comedian/impressionist, he did a cracking Yasuka Matsuda.

WHAT DREAMS MAY COME (1998 US) D: VINCENT WARD W: RONALD BASS P: STEPHEN SIMON/ BARNET ISAIN Audiences expecting to see a romantic Robin Williams drama must have been really surprised by this preachy and very visual Heaven and Hell movie. Williams and wife Annabella Sciorra lose their kids in an accident. Later Williams is also killed by a car and goes to a Heaven of his own creation (made of watercolour paintings). A ridiculous amount of flashbacks make everything confusing, but I think Williams has some kind of psychic link with Sciorra and his kids can disguise themselves as different people (including Cuba Gooding Jr. and Max von Sydow). When Sciorra can’t handle it anymore she commits suicide and goes to Hell where there’s a vast landscape of people buried up to their necks. This and some other scenes use impressive sets and FX, but this long, dialogue-heavy overdose of Williams and overwrought emotions is pretty headache-inducing. Amazingly, it’s based on a book by Richard Matheson. With Rosalind Chao, Lucinda Jenney, Matt Salinger and Werner Herzog.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE? (1962 US) D/P: ROBERT ALDRICH W: LUKAS HELLER Bette Davis is wonderfully wicked as former child star “Baby” Jane Hudson, who now torments her wheelchair-bound older ex-movie star sister Joan Crawford. Based on Henry Farrell’s novel, this much-imitated b/w classic of psychological horror and melodrama has never been equalled. This really hits home during the fantastic ending. It took over two hours to get there, but it’s engrossing all the way. Victor Buono is just as good as the ageing sisters as an unemployed songwriter living with his mother (his debut performance, in fact). With Marjorie Bennett, Bert Freed, Anna Lee, Dave Willock, Russ Conway, Robert Cornthwaite, Michael Fox and James Seay. Crawford and Davis both went on to similar roles in later movies, but Aldrich’s official follow up (also based on a novel by Farrell) was HUSH, HUSH…. SWEET CHARLOTTE. BABY JANE was remade in 1991.

WHAT LIES BENEATH (2000 US) D/P: ROBERT ZEMECKIS W: CLARK GREGG/SARAH KERNOCHAN P: JACK RAPKE/STEVE STARKEY Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer buy a big lakeside house in Vermont that appears to be haunted. After some clichéd false scares and creepy occurrences, a dark secret is revealed etc. Despite some well-orchestrated set pieces, this is a lazy by-the-numbers waste of a substantial budget that could have been used elsewhere. With James Remar, Diana Scarwid, Joe Morton, Miranda Otto, Amber Valletta, Katharine Towne, Ray Baker, Wendy Crewson, Sloane Shelton and Jennifer Tung.

WHAT PRICE HONESTY? (mu wu wang fa; muk miu wong faat) (1979 HK) D/W: PATRICK YUEN HO-CHUEN W: I. KUANG P: MONA FONG Solid Shaw Bros swordplay movie stars Jason Pai Piao, Sun Chien and Danny Lee as new police force recruits who are forced to re-evaluate their friendship when confronted with rampant corruption among their peers. Lo Lieh is a bad guy and there’s some great fight choreography. With Lily Li Li Li and Yeung Chi Hing. Recommended if you’re lucky enough to find a copy. The one I saw was bootlegged from a Korean release (with English subtitles, sometimes obscured). I guess Celestial will get around to it eventually. WHAT PRICE SURVIVAL was a remake from 1994.

WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH HELEN? (1971 US) D: CURTIS HARRINGTON W: HENRY FARRELL P: GEORGE EDWARDS Harrington’s second feature based on a Henry (WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?) Farrell story (after HOW AWFUL ABOUT ALLAN). Debbie Reynolds and Shelley Winters are the mothers of Midwest murderers who relocate to Hollywood to start a children’s dancing school in the 1930s. Winters stays in and gets jealous (and slowly insane) while Jean Harlow-look Reynolds plays around. Murders occur. It’s ok. With Dennis Weaver, Agnes Moorehead, Timothy Carey, Yvette Vickers, Logan Ramsey, Harry Dean Stanton, Minta Durfee and Peter Brocco.

WHAT’S UP NURSE (1977 UK) D/W: DEREK FORD P: MICHAEL L. GREEN The young new doctor at Banham-on-Sea gets up to all sorts of sexual high jinks in this barrel-scraping saucy comedy, much more interesting (in a head-shakingly pitiful way) now than when it was new. He gets his cock stuck inside John Le Mesurier’s daughter’s too-tight snatch on a train, another guy has a jam jar stuck up his arse, and a gay man (Peter Greene) thinks he has given birth to a chimp. All absolutely hilarious, I think you’ll agree (and, of course, all subtly suggested in the least explicit, nowhere near exciting way). Some Indian refugees are accused of smelling like curry, and a black man on bongos backs a fire-eater in a club (where Andrew Fawlty Towers Sachs does his Manuel shtick again). With Felicity Devonshire, Graham Stark, Kate Williams, Cardew Robinson, Peter Butterworth, Ken Parry, Monika Ringwald, Bill Pertwee, Frank Williams and one of those typically lame but catchy theme tunes (I wouldn’t mind a CD comp of 70s British sex comedy tunes, actually). WHAT’S UP SUPERDOC! (1978) followed.

WHAT THE PEEPER SAW See: NIGHT CHILD

WHAT WAITS BELOW See: THE SECRETS OF THE PHANTOM CAVERNS

WHEELS OF FIRE (vindicator; pyro; fire max; desert warrior) (1984 PHIL US) D/P: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO W: FREDERICK BAILEY/ELLEN COLLETT A post-nuke desert hero in a souped-up Mustang saves his sister and some villagers from a gang of rapists and killers in this thoroughly routine MAD MAX clone. A woman is tied topless to the hood of a car, some car chase scenes seem speeded up, there’s death by flame-thrower, underground mutants and a dwarf. With Lynda Wiesmeier.

WHEELS OF TRAGEDY See: RED ASPHALT

WHEELS ON MEALS (spartan x; million dollar heiress; faai chaan che; kuai can che) (1984 HK) D: SAMMO HUNG W: JOHNNY LEE GWING GAAI/TANG KW SANG P: LEONARD K. C. HO Jackie Chan and Yuen Biao run a (fully computerised) mobile food stand in Barcelona. Director Hung (with a horrible perm) is a private detective’s assistant. They all team up to rescue a young female pickpocket in danger. There are some great fights (choreographed by Chan and Hung) in the final reel, but it’s a long way there with only a few (impressive) vehicular stunts littered about to keep you interested. Even the comedy is too slight and not all out goofy enough to be fun. With Benny “the jet” Urquidez, Blacky Ko, John Shum Kin Fun, Paul Chang Chung, Herb Edelman, Stanley Fung, Keith Vitali and Richard Ng (with a bucket and spade) and Wu Ma (as a clock) in a mental institution. It’s good that this modern-day action comedy (and others) reignited worldwide interest in Hong Kong action cinema, but I hope everybody digs deeper as this is a poor example of the genre.

WHEN ALICE BROKE THE MIRROR See: A TOUCH OF DEATH

WHEN A STRANGER CALLS (1979 US) D/W: FRED WALTON W/P: STEVE FEKE P: DOUG CHAPIN The opening scene of this horror movie when a babysitter (Carol Kane) is terrorised by an obscene phone caller is excellent (and copied from BLACK CHRISTMAS). Unfortunately, the remaining running time which consists of cop Charles Durning tracking down a killer is useless. Shame. With Colleen Dewhurst, Ron O’Neal and Carmen Argenziano. WHEN A STRANGER CALLS BACK was a 90s tv movie sequel, and it was remade (badly).

WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH (1969 UK) D/W: VAL GUEST P: AIDA YOUNG Caveman fantasy nonsense from Hammer, with some cool animated stop-motion dinosaurs to break up the tedium of loinclothed primitive men and women running around. Star Victoria Vetri tames a baby dino, and there’s a pterodactyl and a triceratops. It’s based on a story by J.G. Ballard! Brief footage of dressed up lizards (a very cheap way of imitating dinosaurs) is seen. The giant crabs near the end are the best part. With Patrick Allen and Patrick Holt.

WHEN NATURE CALLS (the outdoorsters) (1985 US) D/W/P: CHARLES KAUFMAN W: STRAW WEISMAN P: FRANK VITALE Unfunny overkill spoof from Troma (the director is Lloyd Kaufman’s brother, he also made MOTHER’S DAY) about a couple from New York City who drag their family to upstate woods to live in the wilderness. A few gags stick (I quite like the theme tune), but most don’t. It opens with fake movie trailer gags like Raging Bullshit (with a pretty good DeNiro caricature). With G. Gordon Liddy, David Strathairn, Fred Blassie, Gates McFadden, Willie Mays, Morey Amsterdam and Myron Cohen. The IMDb credits William Smith, but I think it’s a different William Smith.

WHEN STRANGERS MARRY See: BETRAYED (1944)

WHEN TAE KWONDO STRIKES (sting of the dragon masters; kickmaster; tai quan zhen jiu zhou) (1973 HK) D/W: HUANG FENG W: CHU YU P: RAYMOND CHOW Jhoon Ree (apparently the father of modern taekwondo in the US) leads an underground resistance of patriotic Koreans against the occupying Japanese (Sammo Hung is a villainous Japanese fighter!). There’s some brutal kung fu in the final reel but this refuses to gel as a whole. With Carter Wong, Whang In Shik, Chin Yuet San, Hsu Hsia, and Chan Chuen. I also read that Yuen Biao, Wilson Tong and Lam Ching Ying are in it, but they couldn’t be spotted in the (bad quality) print I had. The choreography is by Chu Yuan-Lung and Chen Chuan. If you’re looking for a really great Mao vehicle, check out THE TOURNAMENT (also with Carter Wong). Huang also directed her in LADY WHIRLWIND and HAPKIDO.

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS (1993 US) D/W: MICHAEL COHN P: BARBARA JAVITZ/DENISE BALLEW Ally Walker is called in when a bag of children’s hands is uncovered during a flood. This police procedural thriller is well made, but very slow and doesn’t really offer anything that makes it worth recommending. With Martin Sheen, Ron Perlman and Robert Knepper.

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS 2 (perfect prey) (1998 US) D: HOWARD McCAIN W: ROBERT McDONNELL P: CHARLES MEEKER/DENISE BALLEW/GLEN GREENE Kelly McGillis is a traumatised investigator who helps cops solve a series of murders by psychotic kidnapper David Keith in this competent enough police procedural thriller. With Bruce Dern, Joely Fisher and Richard Riehle. It has nothing to do with the original.

WHEN THE SKY FALLS (2001 IRE UK US) D: JOHN MACKENZIE W: RONAN GALLAGHER/COLUM McCANN/MICHAEL SHERIDAN/GUY ANDREWS P: NIGEL WARREN-GREEN/MICHAEL WEARING Wellmeaning but awfully pat and clichéd crime drama about Dublin journalist Joan Allen trying to root out gangsters involved in flooding the city with drugs (and murdering latter-day folk hero Michael Shaughnessy, played by Pete Postlethwaite). Patrick Bergin co-stars as a cop. With Liam Cunningham, Paul Hickey, Mark Dunne, Sarah Pilkington, Paul Ronan and Steve Blount. Allen’s character is based on the real-life Veronica Guerin who was murdered in 1996. VERONICA GUERIN (2003) was also about her. Shaughnessy’s story was told in THE GENERAL (or the much more stylised ORDINARY DECENT CRIMINAL). Director MacKenzie is most famous for the crime classic THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY.

WHERE TIME BEGAN See: THE FABULOUS JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH

WHEN TIME RAN OUT… (the day the world ended; earth’s final fury) (1980 US) D: JAMES GOLDSTONE W: STIRLING SILLIPHANT P: IRWIN ALLEN An all-star cast has to survive an earthquake and then escape from an erupting volcano’s lava on an exclusive island resort. Celebrities in danger are Paul Newman, Jacqueline Bisset, William Holden, Edward Albert, Red Buttons, Lonny Chapman, Barbara Carrera, Burgess Meredith, Ernest Borgnine, Valentina Cortese, Alex Karras, James Franciscus, Ted Gehring and Pat Norita. Based on Gordon Thomas and Max Morgan Watts’ novel, this mediocre disaster didn’t really do much business so Allen had to take his destruction downsized to tv.

WHEN WOMEN HAD TAILS (quando le donne avevando la coda) (1970 ITL) D/W: PASQUALE FESTA CAMPANILE W: LINA WERTMULLER/OTTAVIO JEMMA/ MARCELLO COSTA P: SILVIO CLEMENTELLI Giuliano Gemma (usually in westerns) leads a bunch of dumb cavemen who find a sexy woman called “animal” (Senta Berger) who teaches them how to fuck in this stupid comedy (with no nudity). One of them is gay (ha ha) and more women turn up at the end. With Renzo Montagnani, Francesco Mule, Aldo Giuffre, Paola Barboni and Lando Buzzarica. WHEN WOMEN LOST THEIR TAILS and WHEN WOMEN PLAYED DING DONG were the sequels.

WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE (1951 US) D: RUDOLPH MATE W: SYDNEY BOEHM P: GEORGE PAL It’s slow and talky, but this Technicolor sci-fi is important because it predates ASTEROID and the later slew of hits like ARMAGEDDON and DEEP IMPACT. After a preachy intro from the Bible, we learn that a new planet called Zaira is heading towards Earth at an incredible speed. When it hits, the Earth will be destroyed. Special spaceships are built to carry a select few to the new world. The most memorable part is the fact that the ships speed down a long ramp to take off (to conserve fuel). John Hoyt is particularly hateful as a wheelchair-bound businessman who puts money into the project to save his own skin. Based on a novel by Edwin Balmer and Philip Wylie. The destruction of the Earth is not shown. With Art Gilmore, Leonard Mudie, Keith Richards, John Ridgely, Jeffrey Sayre, Barbara Rush, Alden Chase, Frank Cady, Hayden Rorke, Kirk Alyn, Gertrude Astor, Paul Frees and James Seay. Cecil B. DeMille was the executive producer.

WHEN YOU ARE A PEDESTRIAN (1948 US) This 10 mins b/w road safety short is unusual because it’s narrated by a corpse, recently killed in an auto accident.

WHEN YOU COMIN’ BACK RED RYDER? (1979 US) D: MILTON KASTEDAS W: MARK MEDOFF P: MARJOE GOTNER/PAUL MASLANSKY Marjoe Gotner fans will want to see his starring role in this adaption of Medoff’s play. He’s a sadistic, fucked-up ’nam vet and gun-toting maniac with serious attitude problems who smuggles cocaine in from Mexico in his camper van with girlfriend Candy Clark (who has a topless scene). They stop at a roadside diner where Gotner decides to taunt and humiliate the smalltown staff and some customers. With Lee Grant, Pat Hingle, Hal Linden, Bill McKinney, Peter Firth, Riley Hill, Robert Easton, Anne Ramsey and Medoff (famous for CHILDREN OF A LESSER GOD; his only previous credit was co-writing the Chuck Norris vehicle GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK). Kastedas also directed the police corruption drama REPORT TO THE COMMISSIONER.

WHISKY AND GHOSTS (fantasmas en les oeste; whisky e fantasmi; whisky y fantasmas) (1976 SPN ITL) D/W: ANTONIO MARGHERITI W: MIGUEL DE ECHARRI/GIANELLI SIMONELL P: CARLO PONTI Very silly (and never funny) comedy western about a guy selling an alcohol-based medical potion that angers townsfolk when it gives them the runs. He’s helped by the ghost of Davy Crockett. A rarity that deserves to be. With Ricardo Palacios, Georges Rigaud, Manuel de Blas, Bernabé Barta Barri, Luis Barboo and Frank Brana.

WHISPERING CORRIDORS (yoego goedam) (1998 S.KOR) D/W: KI-HYUNG PARK W: JUNG-OK IN P: CHOON-YEON LEE Ghost story/murder mystery set in an all-girls’ high school is reminiscent of similar Japanese horror movies. The bleeding walls climax is effective, but otherwise this is uneventful and forgettable. Three sequels began with MEMENTO MORI.

WHISPERING CORRIDORS 2 See: MEMENTO MORI

THE WHISPERING SHADOW (1933 US) D: ALBERT HERMAN D/W: COLBERT CLARK W: GEORGE MORGAN/ WYNDHAM GITTENS/NORMAN S. HALL/BARNEY A. SARECK P: NAT LEVINE A villain known as The Whispering Shadow is hijacking truck deliveries carrying statues, and the drivers end up dead. When one of his henchmen is captured, he’s killed by “radio death ray”. Bela Lugosi (in his first serial, 12 b/w chapters from Mascot) is the chief suspect as the wax museum owner Dr. Strang. The actors posing as mannequins in his home include a black servant who repeats “Take your hat, sir?” when you enter the door. Malcolm McGregor is the sleuth on the case and Lugosi’s daughter (Sydney Toler’s real-life wife Viva Tattersall) is the love interest. Far too much time is spent setting up Lugosi as the villain when it’s obvious he’ll turn out not to be, but this is fast-paced cliffhanger fun for the most part. When the shadow is an animated presence that just materialises, he looks really cool. Danish silent movie star Karl Dane (who couldn’t adapt to talkies and shot himself in 34) has an important role in his last film. With Henry B. Walthall, George J. Lewis, Robert Warwick, Lloyd Whitlock, Bob Kortman, Lafe McKee, Kernan Cripps, Ethel Clayton, Gordon De Main, Robert Frazer, Eddie Parker, Max Wagner, Yakima Canutt, William Desmond, Tom London, George Magrill, Jack Perrin and George Morrell.

THE WHISPERING SKULL (1944 US) D: ELMER CLIFTON W: HARRY L. FRASER P: ARTHUR ALEXANDER A mysterious masked figure known as The Whispering Skull shoots townsfolk at night and rides away on a horse that makes no noise and leaves no trail. Tex Ritter (who sings a couple of songs) and Dave O’Brien are the cowboy heroes who solve the mystery in this passable b/w quickie PRC western (that doesn’t live up to the cool title). Guy Wilkerson provides comic relief (“I want to die with my boots on so I don’t hurt my toe when I kick the bucket”). I. Stanford Jolley leads a lynch mob and tries to frame the Skull for a stagecoach hold-up. With Henry Hall, George Morrell, Ed Cassidy, Bob Kortman, Jimmy Aubrey, Frank Ellis and Ray Henderson. The final title card reads “Let’s all back the attack, buy an extra war bond today”. It’s the 17th entry in a (loose) series of Texas Rangers westerns that started in 1937 with RANGER TAKES OVER (starring O’Brien). Clifton was a busy director since the silents. Fraser was an equally prolific writer and director of mostly westerns, but he also made THE WHITE GORILLA.

WHISPERS See: DEAD OF NIGHT (1972)

WHISTLE AND I’ll COME TO YOU (1968 UK) D/W/P: JONATHAN MILLER Originally aired as part of the BBC’s arts series Omnibus, this remarkable 40 or so mins adaptation of an M.R. James ghost story is an exercise in minimalistic terror. Shot in docu-noir b/w by Dick Bush, it stars Michael Horden (who’s great) as a mumbling, self-absorbed professor on holiday at a seaside lodge who discovers an old whistle buried at the beach one day, and seems to be followed by some presence soon after. Using nothing more than a white sheet (!) and some creepy sound FX, this little-known (outside the world of British telefantasy fandom) masterpiece builds to a terrifying climax that stays with you by never allowing for any kind of release. The BFI dvd is highly recommended. With George Woodbridge. A few years later the BBC optioned an annual series of M.R. James Ghost Stories For Christmas, beginning with THE STALLS OF BARCHESTER. The great writer’s work was also the basis for several episodes of Mystery and Imagination between 1966 and 1968. WHISTLE was adapted again for tv in 2010.

WHITE ANGEL… BLACK ANGEL (the satanists; angeli bianchi… angeli negri) (1969 ITL) D/W: LUIGI SCATTINI In 1970, R. Lee Frost bought the rights to the English-dubbed (narration by Edmund Purdom) version of this mondo look at witchcraft and alternative religions, cut out some scenes and replaced it with others he shot (including an ending at Spahn Ranch). It was retitled WITCHCRAFT ‘70 (and later THE OCCULT EXPERIENCE on video). I saw a pre-Frost, Purdomnarrated 87 mins cut of the original version. Parts are interesting, but it’s a long haul to the end, and can’t imagine the Frost AIP release being any more boring. Anton LeVay conducts a satanic wedding ceremony (in footage from SATANIS, THE DEVIL’S MASS, which wasn’t released until 1970). There are many other scenes (some authentic, some not) of séances, cult meetings and ceremonies from around the world (including Brazil and Stockholm). The odd, post-dubbed sound makes it seem as if quotes are faked, but if you follow the lips of people during the clips in America and the UK, it seems to match what they are really seeing. Scatteri also made SWEDEN, HEAVEN AND HELL (1968).

WHITE CANNIBAL QUEEN See: THE CANNIBALS

WHITE COMANCHE (rio hondo; hour of vengeance; commanche blanco) (1967 SPN US) D/W: “GILBERT LEE KAY” (JOSÉ BRIZ) W: ROBERT I. HOLT/FRANK GRUBER P: SAM WHITE William Shatner has a dual role in this western filmed in Madrid. He plays twin half-breed Comanche brothers. One good and more like the white man, the other an evil peyote-eating savage. The good one’s always getting blamed for the other one’s killings (and rape), so he challenges him to a duel to the death. It’s not any good by any standard, but how can you resist Shatner vs Shatner? Top-billed Joseph Cotten is the sheriff. With Rossanna Yanni, Perla Cristal, Luis Prendes, Bernabé Barta Barri, Victor Israel, José Canalejas, Cris Huerta, Rufino Ingles, José Jaspe, Soledad Miranda and Aldo Sambrell.

WHITE DOG (trained to kill) (1982 US) D/W: SAMUEL FULLER W: CURTIS HANSON P: JOAN DAVISON Kristy McNichol is a struggling actress in Hollywood who adopts a stray German Shepherd that sometimes viciously attacks people without provocation. She takes it to an expert animal trainer/psychologist (Paul Winfield) who recognises the animal as an attack dog trained to kill only black people. Based on a story by Romain Gary, this Fuller rarity was backed by a major studio (Paramount) who barely released it before shelving it. It’s a good film with an important story and should be seen by more people. With Parley Baer, Dick Miller, Marshall Thompson, Bob Minor, Fuller himself, and spot Paul Bartel.

WHITE FIRE (vivre pour survivre) (1983 TUR FRA UK) D/W/P: JEAN-MARIE PALLARDY W: EDWARD JOHN FRANCIS P: ALAN G. RAINER Robert Ginty and Belinda Mayne (in a dual role) are jewel thieves in Istanbul who become involved in a search for “white fire”, a big radioactive diamond found in a mine. Fred Williamson and Gordon Mitchell are guest stars. With Jess Hahn and minor gore involving a chainsaw and buzz-saw (in the uncut version). Overlong and underinteresting.

WHITE HEAT (1949 US) D: RAOUL WALSH W: IVAN GOFF/BEN ROBERTS/VIRGINIA KELLOGG P: LOUIS F. EDELMAN James Cagney is a vicious criminal who loves his mother in this b/w crime favourite from Warners. After a train robbery goes wrong and there are more dead bodies than he’d planned, Cagney allows himself to get jailed for a minor crime, thus creating an alibi and avoiding the gas chamber. Edmond O’Brien is the undercover cop on the inside who gains Cagney’s trust. With Virginia Mayo, Ray Bennett, John Butler, G. Pat Collins, Eddie Foster, Robert Foulk, Paul Guilfoyle, Sherry Hall, Carl Harbaugh, Perry Ivins, Harry Lauter, Lee Phelps, Larry McGrath, Sid Melton, Art Miles, Milton Parsons, Eddie Phillips, John Pickard, Joey Gray, Grandon Rhodes, Harry Strang and Jim Thorpe. Whether it was a highprofile hit like this or smaller programmers, Walsh knew how to deliver a fast-paced no-nonsense flick.

WHITE LINE FEVER (1975 US CAN) D/W: JONATHAN KAPLAN W: KEN FRIEDMAN P: JOHN KENNEY Jan-Michael Vincent gets out of the Air Force and attempts to make a life for him and his wife by becoming an independent long-distance truck driver. Hauling corporation boss Slim Pickens (who has a great death scene) slips contraband in with loads, so Vincent refuses to work for him. He soon becomes a blackballed troublemaker and target for rivals, crooks and greedy corporations. And, of course, an outlaw hero. Martin Kove is a bad guy, L.Q. Jones has the silliest haircut of his career, and R.G. Armstrong is the District Attorney in this pretty good trucking movie with a prophetic title for future cokehead Vincent. With Dick Miller, Leigh French and lots of country music.

WHITE OF THE EYE (1987 UK) D/W: DONALD CAMMELL W: CHINA KONG P: CASSIAN ELWES/ELLIOTT KASTNER Cathy Moriarty begins to slowly suspect that her stereo-installer husband (David Keith) is a ritualistic serial killer whose crime scenes look like works of art. Set out in the Arizona desert, this stylish thriller told in fragmented flashbacks and flash-forwards is effectively atmospheric and marvelouslly acted by all. Some may have gone overboard on the praise to counteract the unfair, lukewarm reception it got on its initial release, but time will mark it out as way above average. Kong (Cammell’s wife) has a small part. Based on Margaret Tracy’s novel Mrs. White. Cammell completed only one other feature, WILD SIDE.

WHITEOUT (2000 JPN) D: SETSURO WAKAMATSU W: YUICHI SHIMBO/YASUO HASEGAWA/KENZABURO IIDA P: SHOHEI KOTAKI/NOBUYUKI TOOYA/TAKASHI ISHIHARA/YUKITSUGU SHIRAI Terrorists led by wheelchair-bound Koiichi Sato take control of a dam/ electricity plant in Niigata prefecture. They threaten to flood the country, but don’t count on resilient hero Yuji Oda. Oda and woman-in-peril Nanako Matsushima assured this DIE HARD copy was a hit in its own country, but it’s uninspired, slow-going and overlong (over two hours). With Ken Ishiguro, Mitsuri Furikoshi, Masato Furuaya, Katsuo Nakamura and Ken Mitsuishi.

WHITE PONGO (adventure unlimited) (1945 US) D: SAM NEWFIELD W: RAYMOND L. SCHROCK P: SIGMUND NEUFELD An expedition into the jungles of Africa searches for the missing link between man and ape, a white gorilla capable of primitive human thought. The expedition is led by a British anthropologist. His daughter Maris Wrixon falls for a rifleman (Richard Fraser) in a subplot. The German members of the crew turn out to be double-crossers searching for gold and an assistant with a terrible cockney accent provides comic relief (“that’s what I get for making a blasted monkey out of meself”). And, of course, the white pongo (king of the gorilla suits Ray “Crash” Corrigan) kidnaps Wrixon. I’m a big fan of men in gorilla suits, but this was mostly boring. The best parts are when an angry gorilla works out how to use a ladder and the climactic branch-wielding duel between a gorilla and the pongo. With Lionel Royce, George Lloyd, Milton Kibbee, Larry Steers, Egan Brecher, Joel Fluellen, stock footage and black natives who call the whites “bossman”. This b/w PRC release (later available on video as a David Friedman Roadshow Rarity) was one of 15 churned out by Newfield the same year.

WHITE SLAVE See: AMAZONIA

WHITE SLAVES OF CHINATOWN (slaves of chinatown; white slaves) (1964 US) D/W: JOSEPH A. MAWRA P: GEORGE WEISS Here’s the first of the infamous Olga series. Olga (Audrey Campbell) keeps women locked up in the basement cells of her headquarters in New York’s Chinatown. She tortures them and hooks them on opium, marijuana and heroin so that they can make money for her as prostitutes and dope-pushers. As the narrator informs us, “she possessed a mind so warped that she made sadism a full-time business”. Olga also reports to a syndicate (three suited businessman), one of whom (producer Weiss) performs an abortion (“in his usual filthy manner”). When the pregnant girl dies, the narrator says, “chalk up another one for this filthy old butcher”. Olga also narrates sometimes (“no slut was gonna get the best of me, not ever”), strips and has lesbian tendencies towards her victims. That is when she’s not extinguishing cigarettes on breasts and selling dope to “young schoolchildren”. This b/w sleaze favourite has mild nudity (topless and stockinged thighs), a “mainliner” called Jimmy jacking up with heroin and performing an offscreen rape, and a woman waving at the camera during footage of Chinatown. Most of the soundtrack is traditional Chinese music, but a cool and sleazy sax-led, piano-thumping R’n’B tune (with people yelling “yaahh”) is heard during a drug party. At one point the narrator informs us that Chinese migrants have polluted America with “the sinister fumes of their opium pipes”. The sensationalist headlines at the beginning are lifted from THE DEVIL’S SLEEP. It’s available on video as a Frank Henenlotter Sexy Shocker. OLGA’S GIRLS was next, followed by OLGA’S HOUSE OF SHAME. Watch all of these and you need never hear A Night On Bald Mountain ever again.

WHITE TIGER (drug master) (1995 US) D: RICHARD MARTIN W: GORDON MELBOURNE/DON WOODMAN/ RAY SALLOW/BEY LOGAN P: ROBERT & WILLIAM VINCE Gary Daniels is a DEA agent who wants to avenge the death of his partner at the hands of ruthless drug lord Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa. It’s another completely routine, lukewarm western martial arts/action movie that’s more watchable than some; comparatively good in its (vast) field, but still a time-filler and nothing more. With Matt Craven, John Cassini, George Cheung, Philip Granger, Benjamin Ratner and Ron Yuan. Filmed in Canada.

WHITE TRASH ON MOONSHINE MOUNTAIN See: MOONSHINE MOUNTAIN

THE WHITE WARRIOR (agi murad il diavolo blanco) (1959 ITL YUG) D: “ROBERT HAMPTON” (RICCARDO FREDA) W: GINO DE SANTIS/AKOS TOLNAY P: MARIO ZAMA Steve Reeves stars as Khadhzi-Murat, freeing his people of the mountains from imperialist Russian Czarist rule in this failed spectacle picture based on the writings of Leo Tolstoy (a veteran of the Russian army involved in Chechnan conflicts). Giorgia Moll as Sutanet and Scilla Gabel as a princess are the good-looking gals who can’t resist the beefcake rebel. With Renato Baldini, Antien Nalis, Goffredo Unger and (sorry to report) nothing much interesting. Not Freda’s finest hour by a longshot. Mario Bava was assistant director for this and Feda’s more well-known CALTIKI the same year.

WHITE ZOMBIE (1932 US) D: VICTOR HALPERIN W: GARNETT WESTON P: EDWARD HALPERIN Joseph Cawthorn and Madge Bellamy (aka Margaret Philpott) visit her new friend Robert Frazer on his Haitian plantation prior to their wedding. Frazer is secretly in love with Bellamy and enlists the help of voodoo master Bela Lugosi (in great Carl Axelle and Jack Pierce makeup). Lugosi (who’s restrained, contrary to the hammy reputation of this movie) uses a special powder that turns the bride-to-be into a lifeless zombie just before the marriage vows are to be spoken. The original classic b/w zombie movie was filmed on leftover sets from Universal’s Frankenstein, Dracula and Notre Dame movies, and was photographed by Arthur Martinelli. The atmosphere is just extraordinary. Lugosi (who along with Edgar G. Ulmer is rumoured to have directed some scenes) made no money while the Halperins got rich (the story of his life). The music (Xavier Cugat’s work?) is incredible. “Suggested” by Edward Seabrook’s book The Magic Island and the 1932 play based on it. Screenwriter Weston also wrote (under the pseudonym “G. W. Hutter”) a fine short zombie story called Salt Is Not For Slaves in 1931. Parts of WHITE ZOMBIE turned up in the (lost?) 1943 compilation feature DR. TERROR’S HOUSE OF HORRORS. Must-see stuff.

WHO CAN KILL A CHILD? See: WOULD YOU KILL A CHILD?

WHO DARES WINS (the final option) (1982 UK SWITZ) D: IAN SHARP W: REGINALD ROSE/GEORGE MARKSTEIN P: EVAN LLOYD Lewis Collins is an SAS officer who goes undercover to root out antinuke terrorists led by Judy Davis. They take various ambassadors hostage at an English mansion. This overlong so-so thriller has Ingrid Pitt (COUNTESS DRACULA) as a heartless bitch. With Richard Widmark, Edward Woodward, Robert Webber, Kenneth Griffith, Patrick Allen, Paul Freeman, Nick Brimble and Ewan Stewart. I liked the opening death by crossbow best. Based on James Follett’s book The Tiptoe Boys.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE FOOLING? (1993 US) D/W: MIKE WHITE Opportunistic 11 mins short highlighting the similarities between Ringo Lam’s CITY OF FIRE and Quentin Tarantino’s RESERVOIR DOGS. What annoys me the most about the publicity surrounding this blown out of proportion homage/minor theft is that everyone (including White) always belittles Lam’s film as an inferior/ inconsequential work. Both films are damn good heist movies, in very different ways. White’s waste of time 1997 follow up, YOU’RE STILL NOT FOOLING ANYBODY (which runs only four mins), is a pitiful attempt at “blowing the cover” on PULP FICTION by simply pointing out some minor homages (KISS ME DEADLY, CHARLEY VARRICK etc.) that most people were aware of anyway.

WHO IS KILLING THE STUNTMEN? See: STUNTS

WHO IS RUNNING? See: TA FA LIKIT

WHO KILLED HER? See: FEVER LAKE

WHOLE (2003 US UK) D/P: MELODY GILBERT Here’s what I like to see, a good, objective documentary that not only tackles a difficult, fascinating subject, but also makes people aware of something they might not otherwise have heard of. In this case, physically healthy people (from America and Europe for, and all men) who feel that they would be more comfortable and happy as amputees (more often than not, it’s a second leg they feel they could do without). Some pretend that they only have one while others have gone the whole way and had it removed (usually using dangerous diy methods). A 58 mins cry for help on behalf of some bizarrely motivated but sincere, desperate people.

THE WHOLE NINE YARDS (1999 US CAN) D: JONATHAN LYNN W: MITCHELL KAPNER P: DAVID WILLIS/ ALLAN KAUFMAN/BRUCE WILLIS (uncredited) Matthew Perry is an unhappy dentist living in Quebec with his gold-digging wife Rosanna Arquette. When hitman-in-hiding Bruce Willis turns up as their new neighbour, he informs Chicago mobsters where he is. There are lots of twists and turns in this merely ok black comedy that will depend on your tolerance for the irritating, not too funny Perry. With Natasha Henstridge, Amand Peet. Michael Clarke Duncan, Kevin Pollack, Harland Williams, Mark Camacho and Richard Jutras. Followed by THE WHOLE TEN YARDS.

WHO’LL STOP THE RAIN (dog soldiers) (1978 US) D: KAREL REISZ W: JUDITH ROSCOE/ROBERT STONE P: HERB JAFFE/GABRIEL KATZKA During the Vietnam War, journalist Michael Moriarty arranges to have old Marine buddy and merchant seaman Nick Nolte smuggle some heroin into the US via a port at Oakland, CA and deliver it to his wife (Tuesday Weld, strung out on pills). Things get complicated when corrupt government agent Anthony Zerbe and his two idiotic psycho-goons (Richard Masur and Ray Sharkey) want the skag for nothing. This mostly forgotten box office flop has developed a cult following over the years, and deserves it. Stone helped to adapt his own novel Dog Soldiers, and his involvement results in some great dialogue handled by a top-notch cast. The title song by Creedence Clearwater Revival is heard (as are some of their other songs), and Hank Snow’s Golden Rocket accompanies the memorable climactic shoot-out sequence. With Charles Haid, Connie Strickland, David Opatoshu, Joaquin Martinez, José Carlos Ruiz, Wings Hauser and Jonathan Banks. The Czech-born director (who fled to the UK) also made the 1964 NIGHT MUST FALL remake and THE GAMBLER (with James Caan).

WHOOPS! APOCALYPSE (1986 UK) D: TOM BUSSMAN W: ANDREW MARSHALL/DAVID RENWICK P: BRIAN EASTMAN This not too funny feature satire based on a tv series of the same name from 1982 has a Soviet base on a Caribbean island and deals with the imminent end of the world. Peter Cook is funny as the British Prime Minister, as is Rik Mayall as an SAS commander (“we’re the fucking SAS”). With Loretta Switt, Ian Richardson, Herbert Lom, Alexei Sayle, Murray Hamilton, Clifton James, Shane Rimmer, Michael Richards, Richard Wilson, John Sessions, Richard Pearson and Ian McNeice.

WHORE (if you can’t say it, just see it) (1991 US) D/W: KEN RUSSELL W: DEBORAH DALTON P: DAN IRELAND/RONALDO VASCONELLOS Theresa Russell plays it very broadly as a hooker who talks to the camera as she goes through her daily grind of unappealing sex and violence. It’s pretty grim stuff with an odd streak of uneasy humour. With Antonio Fargas, Jack Nance, John Diehl, Ginger Lynn Allen, Daniel Quinn, Danny Trejo, Lee Arenberg and Russell. Based on David Hines’ play. An interesting failure, but not for the easily depressed. A WHORE 2 followed.

WHY STUDY HOME ECONOMICS? (1955 US) Unconvincing 10 mins b/w short attempts to address this age-old question that has haunted mankind since the Stone Age. Why study home economics? Only a fool would think that it’s just stuff you could learn at home. “Anyone who’s going to be married and a homemaker would be foolish not to take home economics” in fact.

WHY STUDY INDUSTRIAL ARTS? (1956 US) I really like this obsessive 10 mins b/w short in which geeky Joe attempts to introduce a school buddy to his narrow world view of industrial arts. Priceless propaganda.

WICKED CITY (demon beast city; supernatural beast city; monster city; yoju toshi) (1987 JPN ANIMATED) D: YOSHIAKI KAWAJIRI W: KISEI CHOO P: KENJI KURATA/MAKOTO SEYA A tough male “Black Guard” (who protects the barrier between the human and demon worlds) teams up with a goodlooking female demon guard (in human form) to protect a horny little old man ambassador, who’s to sign a peace treaty between the two worlds. Various demons (including a cool spider-woman who expels sticky web from her vagina) try to sabotage the treaty in this enjoyable adaptation of Hideyuki Kikuchi’s novel. I wouldn’t call the plentiful sex and nudity a turn-on, so it serves the sex’n’violence story better as character motivation, rather than monkey-spanking material. The first UROTSUKIDOJI serial premiered the same year, so there was something in the Tokyo water supply. There was a live-action remake in 92.

THE WICKED CITY (yiu sau diy shut; yao shou dou shi) (1992 HK) D: MAK YAI KIT W/P: TSUI HARK W: ROY SZETO WAI CHEUK Jacky Cheung stars in this Hong Kong live-action version of a Japanese anime. Cheung and Leon Lai are undercover cops in the future searching for a NIGHTBREED-style society of monsters (called Raptors) that live off human blood. Despite lots of action, elevators that eat people and human pinball machines (and more besides) it still manages to be really fucking boring. With Roy Cheung, Michele Reis, Tatsuya Nakadai, Yuen Woo Ping, Yiu Yeung and Carman Lee. Some say that Hark directed large chunks of it.

THE WICKED DIE SLOW (1968 US) D: WILLIAM K. HENNIGAR W: GARY ALLEN/JEFF KANEW P: DONALD DENNIS Allen searches for his outlaw brother who framed him in this obscure low-budget western. Kanew (who later directed the classic REVENGE OF THE NERDS) is his Native indian companion. There’s lots of rape and some nasty (mostly bloodless) violence, but it’s all very bad and instantly forgettable.

WICKED GAMES (1993 US) D/W: TIM RITTER W/P: KERMIT CHRISTMAN Here’s the sequel to (executive producer) Ritter’s bonkers TRUTH OR DARE? (1986). A private eye with a permed mullet finds out that the guy he was hired to follow is fucking his wife. He gets drunk and goes to stay with his friend Don (assistant director Joel D. Wynkoop), busy fucking a dominatrix (an actress who plays several roles, and has a hilarious, stupid strip scene set to heavy metal music). He seems to hallucinate and tries to kill himself. Then we find out that he’s the cousin of the psycho in the original film, and is the prime suspect when another guy in a bronze mask starts killing. But he’s just one of several men with a motive, and this cheap shoton-video gore oddity keeps you guessing (and shaking your head; note solarised sex scene with a mannequin). Still, it’s not as engagingly loopy as its predecessor, so it’s a long 78 mins. Porn star Cameo makes an appearance. SCREAMING FOR SANITY (1998) and DEADLY DARES (2011) followed.

WICKED PRIEST (the priest killer; the evil priest; gokuaku bozu) (1968 JPN) D: KIYOSHI SAEKI W: AKIRA MURAO/HIDEAKI YAMAMOTO First in a successful series that starred Tomisaburo Wakayama (later star of the LONE WOLF AND CUB series) as a gambling, drinking, womanising monk who doesn’t like to see a woman cry, and balances his karma by killing only the truly wicked. The story that involves a potentially happy young couple being torn apart by white slavers begins comical and silly, but gets more serious and violent, with Wakayama dealing out some sparing but vicious martial arts. Overall, it’s pretty enjoyable stuff. With Bunta Sugawara as a monk (!), Utako Kyo, Tatsuo Endo, Kanbi Fujiyami and his little daughter Naomi Fujiyami. In one amusing scene, Wakayama parodies his real-life brother Shintaro Katsu’s most famous role, Zatoichi the blind swordsman. Apparently the second intalment in the series is very rare indeed, having never ended up on video or aired on tv.

WICKED STEPMOTHER (1989 US) D/W: LARRY COHEN P: ROBERT LITMAN An awful picture from the usually reliable Cohen (also an executive producer). Bette Davis (looking very old) is an insulting new mother-in-law who terrorises suburban couple Collen Camp and David Rasche. Davis walked off the set early on during filming, so the script was rewritten and she transforms into her daughter Barbara Carrera, who seduces Rasche. Davis died not long after. With Lionel Stander, Tom Bosley, Richard Moll, Seymour Cassel and Laurene Landon. I don’t think this would have been any better if Davis had stayed, it’s supremely unfunny with no redeeming values. Thank God the planned sequel (announced at the end) never materialised.

WICKED WICKED (1973 US) D/W/P: RICHARD L. BARE Someone in a rubber mask is killing off blonde women at a very big, old seaside hotel with secret hidden rooms. Tiffany Bolling stars as the hotel cabaret singer (“Wicked, wicked. That’s the ticket”) who becomes bait in a platinum wig. What makes this very unusual murder mystery unique is that it’s (almost) 100% in Duo-Vision (split-screen). Disorientating at first, the process is actually quite well done, and this is a lot more fun to watch than had they just told the (relatively routine) story straight. Difficult to find nowadays, I recommend copies that are around from dealers to exploitation fans after something different. With Scott Brady, Arthur O’Connell, Ed “Kookie” Byrnes and Ian Abercrombie.

WICKED WORLD (1992 CAN) D/W/P: BARRY J. GILLIS I had heard of Gillis’ notoriously awful earlier movie THINGS but never saw it. (Edit: I since have. Jesus Christ! See review.) Only recently released, it was available to watch online for a spell at the director’s own website, since gone down. There is no way to describe how surreally disorientating this extremely low-budget movie is. The confused mix of terrible editing, extremely loud background noise, nonexistent sound mix (at one point the music stops when someone turns on a tap and we hear water, the tap is turned off and the music restarts, indicating only one soundtrack) is fascinatingly amateur, and had me in silent awe or falling off my chair laughing. The story has something to do with a killer and an old guy in an extremely squeaky wheelchair at a mental hospital wondering about his actions. There’s also a vigilante (played by Gillis, I think). Unmissable if you can find it.

THE WICKER MAN (1973 UK) D: ROBIN HARDY W: ANTHONY SHAFFER P: PETER SNELL Edward Woodward got the role of his career as a puritanical Christian police sergeant from the West Scottish Highland mainland who arrives on the remote island of Summerisle to search for a missing girl. The pagan-worshipping locals openly block his investigation, and Lord Summerisle (Christopher Lee, also at his best) cheerily dismisses the Christian God as dead (“he had his chance… he blew it”). Rightfully considered a classic British horror film, I can’t help but notice how many reviews fail to mention that it is a musical of sorts (the mixed folk soundtrack composed by Paul Giovanni is excellent stuff). Darkly comic, surreal, creepy and with an unforgettable ending, ’tis indeed a must-see. A 100 mins “director’s cut” (still missing footage which is probably lost forever) has 12 additional mins of footage (of poor quality), and a different edit, and is, of course, the one for fans, but if it’s your first time, the pristine 88 min dvd copy will have the same impact, I think. Shaffer (who also wrote one of Hitchcock’s best later pictures, FRENZY) used the 1967 novel Ritual by David Pinner as a blueprint (but it goes uncredited). With Britt Ekland as the landlord’s daughter (seen topless, but the backside shots are a body double) and Ingrid Pitt (a welcome nude scene from her, too). Shot in Dumfries and Galloway, Scotland. 2010 saw Hardy return with his follow up THE WICKER TREE (based on his own novel, Cowboys For Christ). In the interim he directed THE FANTASIST in 1986.

THE WICKER MAN (2006 US GER) D/W: NEIL LABUTE P: NICOLAS CAGE/RANDELL EMMETT/NORMAN GOLIGHTLY/AVI LERNER/JOANNE SELLAR Traumatised motorcycle cop Nicolas Cage (who’s awkwardly amusing as usual) travels to a remote, old-fashioned Amish-like island community called Summerisle, to help an ex (Kate Beahan) search for her missing daughter. The locals are no help, openly hostile, and seem to be keeping murderous secrets. It’s a very poor remake of the classic British original, but seems to have replaced paganism with some kind of cult from INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS! They kept the same surprise ending, though (“killing me won’t bring back your fucking honey!”). With Frances Conroy, Molly Parker, Leelee Sobieski, Christa Campbell and some bit appearances (that I didn’t notice) from Aaron Eckhart, James Franco and Jason Ritter. It was mostly shot in British Columbia, and does have some choice laughable moments. Dedicated to Johnny Ramone.

WIDOW BLUE See: SEX PSYCHO

THE WIFE SWAPPERS (the swappers) (1969 UK) D/W: DEREK FORD W: BARRY JACOBS This deeply serious and pretty reactionary “documentary” about the apparently unstoppable tide of hedonism sweeping the British nation contains silhouette interviews, reconstructions and hidden camera footage (all undoubtedly faked) to illustrate its (mostly negative) viewpoints on the swinging lifestyle. In its own grim and anti-sexy way a classic of its kind. With Larry Taylor.

WIFE TO BE SACRIFICED (ikenie fujin) (1974 JPN) D: MASARU KONUMA W: YOZO TANAKA P: YOSHITERU YUUKI In one of the more famous “pink eiga” (from one of the genre’s more prolific directors), Naomi Tani is kidnapped by her child-molesting ex-husband (Nagatoshi Sakamoto) and taken to a remote house in the woods. She’s tied up, has to eat like a dog and suffers nasty hot wax torture. She escapes but is raped by two fishermen whom she goes to for help. Back in Sakomoto’s clutches she’s dressed in a wedding kimono and bound by ropes. Sakomoto also discovers a young couple in the woods, still breathing after an unsuccessful suicide pact. He fondles the comatose girl and takes them both back to the house. The girl (Terumi Azuma) gets an enema while her lover (Hidetoshi Kageyama) is forced to watch. He gets excited and has an erection, so Tani (now beginning to enjoy herself) mounts him. Sakomoto rapes Azuma. Amazingly, the young couple decide to stay with Sakomoto and Tani of their own free will, eventually strangling each other while bound in ropes. When the police finally arrive on the scene and untie Tani, she objects and exclaims “I like it”. Pretty strong stuff for those more used to regular sexploitation, but relatively subdued compared to other Japanese SM movies. A fascinating classic of its kind and a must for those interested in Nikkatsu studio’s Roman Pornos. Masaru Mori’s photography is excellent. Tani and Azuma would later be coupled again many times.

THE WILD ANGELS (1966 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: CHARLES B. GRIFFITH/PETER BOGDANOVICH (uncredited) Peter Fonda is Heavenly Blues, president of the California chapter of the Hell’s Angels. With Nancy Sinatra, Bruce Dern as the loser, Diane Ladd, Norman Alden, Michael J. Pollard, Dick Miller, Joan Shawlee, Art Baker, Bogdanovich (also the assistant director), Frank Gerstle, Barboura Morris and real bikers who apparently beat up cast and crew! It’s probably as fairly accurate a portrayal as you’ll get, and doesn’t seem as dated as other biker movies.

WILD APACHE See: ULZANA’S RAID

WILD AT HEART (1990 US) D/W: DAVID LYNCH P: MONTY MONTGOMERY/SIGURJON SIGHVATSSON Nicolas Cage is a violent Elvis fanatic (“rockin’ good news”) who gets out of jail down-South and heads towards New Orleans in a convertible with his Marilyn-esque girlfriend Laura Dern. This strange road movie is flawed and received a critical mauling, but it has very effective parts (the bank robbery is hilarious) and a great cast. Diane Ladd, Willem Dafoe, Harry Dean Stanton, Crispin Glover, Isabella Rossellini, Grace Zabriskie, Calvin Lockhart, Jack Nance, Freddie Jones, John Lurie, Koko Taylor, Sherilyn Fenn, Sheryl Lee, Charlie Spradling, Debra Lamb, Lisa Ann Cabasa, William Morgan Sheppard, David Patrick Kelly, Pruitt Taylor Vince, Frances Bay, Frank Collison, Daniel Quinn and Tracey Walter. There are also many WIZARD OF OZ references. Based on Barry Gifford’s novel, later the basis for PERDITA DURANGO. Cut before release, it still features a great shotgun decapitation suicide scene. After TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME, Lynch and Gifford made LOST HIGHWAY together.

WILD BEASTS (savage beasts) (1983 ITL) D/W: FRANCO E. PROSPERI P: FEDERICO PROSPERI In “a Northern European city”, PCP somehow gets into the water supply and zoo animals that drink it kill. Cheetahs, tigers and a polar bear escape and stalk the city streets. An elephant crushes a woman’s head with its foot. Rats emerge from the sewers and eat a couple in a car and a guide dog attacks its master. There’s even a stampede of cows. Little kids eventually get infected in this gory eco-horror movie that only the Italians could make. It was filmed in Germany. Prosperi is most famous for helping to make MONDO CANE and other important mondo documenataries. Fittingly, this film has a similar preachy message thinly covering its exploitation roots.

WILD BILL (1995 US) D/W: WALTER HILL P: LILI FINI ZANUCK/RICHARD D. ZANUCK Jeff Bridges is fine as legendary Wild West figure Wild Bill Hickock in this decent biopic based on both the book Deadwood by Peter Dexter and the play Fathers and Sons by Thomas Babee. It may not give an in-depth portrait of a violent and confused accidental hero, but it makes for a great western. Ellen Barkin is Calamity Jane, John Hurt is Hickock’s travelling companion, Keith Carradine is Buffalo Bill, Marjoe Gortner is amusingly cast as a preacher (which as you might know, he was before turning to acting) and a horse lands on Bruce Dern. With David Arquette, Diane Lane, James Remar, Christina Applegate, Luana Anders, Robert Peters, Virgil Frye, Peter Jason and Linda Harrison (from PLANET OF THE APES). Van Dyke Parks provides the soundtrack.

THE WILD BUNCH (1969 US) D/W: SAM PECKINPAH W: WALON GREEN/ROY N. SICKNER P: PHIL FELDMAN What’s left to be said about this classic other than it is a damn good, hardboiled violent western? William Holden, Ernest Borgnine, Warren Oates, Ben Johnson, Edmond O’Brien and Jaime Sanchez star as the dated outlaw gang planning one last train robbery in “modern” 1913. With Robert Ryan, Emilio Fernandez, Strother Martin, L.Q. Jones, Bo Hopkins, Dub Taylor, Alfonso Arau (later a director himself), Jorge Russek, BRAINIAC director Chano Urueta, Elsa Cardenas, Aurora Clavel, Enrique Lucero, José Chavez and Margarito Luna. Peckinpah made the very different STRAW DOGS next.

WILD DOGS See: RABID DOGS

WILD GALS OF THE NAKED WEST! (the immoral west — and how it was lost; naked gals of the golden west; immoral girls of the naked west; the naked west — and how it was lost) (1961 US) D/W/P: RUSS MEYER W: JACK MORAN P: PETER A. DeCENZIE An old drunk who talks to the camera narrates the history of a ghost town’s lively history. Despite Meyers’ trademark top-notch photography and editing, beware that this nudie western comedy is not very funny (it’s pretty silly). Gags include heavily armed Indians with a bazooka and a man in a gorilla suit (which always makes me laugh, despite anything else). It’s only 65 mins long. Interesting to note how much Francis Ford Coppola’s work paralleled Meyer (who has a cameo) in the early days. His short THE PEEPER (inspired by Meyer’s IMMORAL MR. TEAS) was extended into a feature (TONITE FOR SURE) with footage from a nudie western the same year as this (Meyer’s 4th feature).

THE WILD GEESE (1978 UK SWITZ) D: ANDREW V. McLAGLEN W: REGINALD ROSE P: EVAN LLOYD/ ERWIN C. DIETRICH (uncredited) Richard Burton, Roger Moore and Richard Harris lead a bunch of ageing ex-army mercs into Africa to rescue some deposed African leader in this mostly formulaic action adventure that has developed an unfathomable cult following over the years. With Hardy Krüger, Stewart Granger, Frank Finlay, Jack Watson, Barry Foster, Kenneth Griffith, Ronald Fraser, Patrick Allen, Jeff Corey, Percy Herbert, John Alderman, Patrick Holt and Valerie Leon. John Glen was the editor and directed some second unit stuff (including the skydiving). Real-life mercenary “Mad Mike” Hore was a technical adviser. A sequel followed in 1985.

WILD GRIZZLY (1999 US) D/W/P: SEAN McNAMARA W: JEFF PHILLIPS/MICHAEL D. JACOBS P: DAVID BROOKWELL A killer grizzly bear escapes in a picturesque tourist town and eats people. Daniel Baldwin is the main villain and there’s some gore. William Girdler’s GRIZZLY was much more entertaining. With John O’Hurley and Riley Smith.

WILD GUITAR (1962 US) D: RAY DENNIS STECKLER W/P: “NICHOLAS MERRIWETHER” (ARCH HALL SR.) W: JOE THOMAS/ROBERT O. WEHLING In Steckler’s directorial debut Arch Hall Jr. stars as Bud Eagle (“spelt just like the bird”), a country boy with a guitar who comes to Hollywood in search of fame. He gets a lucky break filling in on a live tv broadcast and is an instant hit. But crooked manager Arch Hall Sr. (as “William Watters”) and his mean sidekick Steak (Steckler under his “Cash Flagg” moniker) stop him from doing what he wants and pocket all his profits. Hall Jr. rebels, does a Patty Hearst, gets the girl and beats Steak in a fist fight. Fun b/w rock’n’roll movie also has some enjoyable, dumb Steckler comedy provided by a trio of lowlifes in a diner (check out the poster for DRIVERS TO HELL aka WILD ONES ON WHEELS hanging next to them). The photography is by MONSTROSITY director Joseph V. Mascelli with second unit help from Vilmos (“William”) Zsigmond! With Carolyn Brandt.

WILD HORSE RODEO (1937 US) D: GEORGE SHERMAN W: BETTY BURBRIDGE/OLIVER DRAKE/GILBERT WRIGHT/WILLIAM COLT MacDONALD The Three Mesquiteers (Robert Livingston, Ray “Crash” Corrigan and Max Terhune) in one of their many b/w B westerns (this one runs about 55 mins). It’s a pretty boring look at horse rustling (I think, it put me half to sleep). With June Martel, Walter Miller, Edmund Cobb, William Gould, Jack Ingram, Roy Rogers, Fred “Snowflake” Toones, Art Dillard, Bob Burns, Bob Card, Frank Ellis, Jack Kirk and Kermit Maynard.

WILD PANTHER (the pursuit; yau paau; ye bao) (1983 TAI) D: LEE TSO NAM W: CHANG HSIN YEE P: C.P. KEUNG Pang Gang’s kung fu choreography is good, but this is otherwise a pretty dull and uneventful modern-day espionage thriller. Wong Tao stars, with Eagle Han and Ching Kuo Chung.

THE WILD REBELS (1967 US) D/W: WILLIAM GREFE A washed-up stock car racer is asked by some bikers led by Jeff Gillen (who would go on to direct the classic DERANGED) to be their getaway driver for a bank robbery. He refuses but later accepts because cops want him undercover. There’s some car crash action in this very boring semi-biker movie from the director of STING OF DEATH and others.

THE WILD RIDE (1960 US) D/P: HARRY BERMAN W: ANN PORTER/MARION ROTHMAN/BURT TOPPER Jack Nicholson is fun to watch in his second starring role (after THE CRY BABY KILLER) as the mean, sneering leader of a gang of speed-crazy teens who play chicken on the backroads with unsuspecting motorists. He also endangers other drivers at drag race tournaments and kidnaps a friend’s girl because she “doesn’t fit”. Roger Corman was the executive producer of this hip speak-filled hour-long programmer (from Filmgroup), Monte Hellman edited and was associate director, Daniel Haller was art director, and Beach Dickerson did the sound. In 2000, someone repackaged this as VELOCITY, with 30 mins new wraparound footage that introduces an old mechanic who’s supposed to be an aged version of Nicholson’s character recounting the original footage as a flashback! Curiously this print of THE WILD RIDE is in colour (not colourised), whereas it used to be in b/w.

A WILD RIDE (ride a wild stud) (1969 US) D: “REVILO EKARD” (OLIVER DRAKE) W/P: WILLIAM and RACHEL EDWARDS Quantrill’s Raiders run a whorehouse in the desert. A kidnapped woman is repeatedly raped while trying to escape. Drake directed many vintage B-westerns for the likes of Monogram and PRC back in the day, and this does resemble an old-fashioned horse opera in colour and with sex and nudity. It’ll probably send you to sleep, until some frenzied flamenco guitar on the soundtrack that rivals Hoyt S. Curtin work for those Ron Ormond/Ed Wood titles wakes you up. Drake made THE MUMMY AND THE CURSE OF THE JACKALS the same year, and Bill Edwards made DRACULA, THE DIRTY OLD MAN.

WILD RIDERS (angels for kicks) (1971 US) D/W: RICHARD KANTER W: SAL KOMSTOCK P: JOHN W. BURROWS/HAROLD LIME This Crown International release begins with a rape scene. Two bikers (one is Alex Rocco from MOTORPSYCHO) are responsible, because one of their girls slept with a black guy. They’re exiled from the rest of the gang and cruise along looking for a way to get money. Rocco eats garbage while the other smarter guy spots a couple of rich women relaxing around a pool. The two invite themselves into their upscale home and rape and violence results. Slow-going, but the end does feature death by cello. Kanter had already made THE RIBALD TALES OF ROBIN HOOD, THAR SHE BLOWS and STARLET! for Dave Friedman. He later made porno like DESIRES WITHIN YOUNG GIRLS.

WILD SIDE (1995 US UK) D/W: “FRANKLIN BRAUER” (DONALD CAMMELL) W: CHINA KONG P: JOHN LANGLEY/ELIE COHN Anne Heche (from the PSYCHO remake) is a corporate banker in the city who moonlights as a high-class hooker to pay off the debt on her beautiful ocean-view house. One of her clients is crime lord Christopher Walken (really giving it his all in some marvellous scenes) who’s planning to rip off a load of money using a computer virus. Joan Chen is his wife who has an affair with Heche. Steven Bauer is a disgusting macho Federal agent and rapist who blackmails Heche into doublecrossing Walken. With Allen Garfield and Lewis Arquette. This excellent, intelligent and surprising thriller is well worth seeing. One of Cammell’s final credits before he committed suicide. Boaz Davidson was a co-producer.

WILD STYLE (1982 US) D/W/P: CHARLIE AHEARN This documentary-style street drama focuses on NYC graffiti artist Zorro (Lee George Quinones), but is really all about the early 80s hip hop/graffiti/robot dancing culture of the slums, and it just gets better and better with age. My favourite parts are when a couple of rap teams face off in a rhyming battle on a baseball court in the post-apocalyptic-look ruins of early 80s New York City, and when Grandmaster Flash demonstrates scratching on his decks set up in the kitchen! Other great acts like Double Trouble, Cold Crush, Grandmaster DST, Lil’ Rodney Cee, Rock Steady Crew and Grand Wizard Theodore can be seen throughout, or at the big rap show ending.

WILD TARGET (target) (2009 UK FRA) D: JONATHAN LYNN W: LUCINDA COXON P: MARTIN POPE/MICHAEL ROSE Bill Nighy is a high-priced, mother-dominated, methodical and lonely assassin. He’s hired to kill mischievous kleptomaniac Emily Blunt after she rips gangster Rupert Everett off with a forgery of a self-portrait by Rembrandt. Predictably, he ends up protecting her instead. Rupert Grint (from the HARRY POTTER series) is along for the ride as an apprentice. Old-fashioned crime farce is a remake of a French movie from 1993 (when the ideas might have seemed fresher), has a few scattered laughs, but overall the high quirk factor is debilitating. With Eileen Atkins as the wheelchair-bound mother, Martin Freeman as a rival assassin (with very white teeth), Gregory Fisher, Rory Kinnear and Geoff Bell.

WILD THING (1987 CAN US) D: MAX REID W: JOHN SAYLES/LARRY STAMPER P: DAVID CALLOWAY/ NICHOLAS CLERMONT At the end of the 60s a little boy’s drug-running parents are double-crossed and killed by drug lord Chopper (Robert Davi) and a corrupt cop (Maury Chaykin). The kid escapes and is raised by a homeless woman amongst the crazies and derelicts of a Quebec slum. He grows up to be the legendary Wild Thing (the Troggs tune is heard many times) who defends the street people from a now powerful crack-dealing Davi and Chaykin with his crossbow. Kathleen Quinlan is the woman who befriends him. It’s a nice idea, and with Sayles’ name on the script you may expect a diamond in the rough, but it’s not. With Betty Buckley, J. Michael Hunter, Clark Johnson, Lorena Gale, Ron Lee and Tyrone Benskin.

WILD THINGS (sex crimes) (1998 US) D: JOHN McNAUGHTON W: STEPHEN PETERS P: STEVEN A. JONES/RODNEY M. LIBER Students Neve Campbell (white trash living in a trailer) and Denise Richards (spoilt rich kid daughter of wealthy Theresa Russell) accuses teacher Matt Dillon of rape. The case is thrown out of court after Campbell admits they lied about it. That’s the beginning of this very convoluted thriller with multiple twists that’s ok entertainment, but very forgettable. Bill Murray and executive producer Kevin Bacon have important roles. With Carrie Snodgress, Robert Wagner, Marc Macaulay, Eduardo Yanez, Antoni Corone, Gina La Marca and Laurie Wallace (THE EROTIC WITCH PROJECT). If you’re watching for the much-publicised lesbian scenes, beware that Richards appears to be using a body double and Campbell never really gets naked.

THE WILD, WILD PLANET (gamma I quadrilogy vol. 1) (1965 ITL) D/P: “ANTHONY DAWSON” (ANTONIO MARGHERITI) W: IVAN REINER/RENATO MORETTI P: JOSEPH FRYD This Tony Russel vehicle is often considered a sequel to WAR OF THE PLANETS. But it is in fact the first in Margheriti’s space quadrilogy. Beautiful women and interchangeable 4-armed men in shades and cape are making people disappear all over a futuristic space station. The screwy, hard-to-follow plot has something to do with an evil company on the planet Delphus trying to develop a master race of superhuman clones. Some of the futuristic cars are cool, but there’s too many laughably obvious toy models. But you do get a tray full of severed hands, a scary room full of reject mutants, flamethrower pistols, and a cool booby trap/metal box that appears quickly out of nowhere. Characters insult each other with the phrase “helium head”. With Lisa Gastoni, Franco Nero, Massimo Serato, Enzo Fiermonte, Umberto Raho, Renato Montalbano, Isarco Ravaioli, Franco Ressei, Michael Lemoine and Goffredo Unger.

WILD WILD WEST (1999 US) D/P: BARRY SONNENFELD W: S.S. WILSON/BRENT MADDOCK/JIM and JOHN THOMAS/JEFFREY PRICE/PETER S. SEAMAN P: JON PETERS Will Smith and Kevin Kline stars as opposing US marshalls who have to rescue kidnapped scientists from the clutches of evil “living torso” Kenneth Branagh (with a cool beard). Kline is an inventor so many great gadgets (like a human head projector) are used. But Branagh’s giant metal tarantula is the highlight. Loosely based on the 60s tv show of the same name, this big-budget action comedy adventure western was critically slammed on its release, but I for one found it very entertaining. With Ted Levine (unrecognisable), Salma Hayek, M. Emmet Walsh, Bai Ling, Ian Abercrombie and Phil Hawn. Kline also plays the President. Smith sings the hit theme tune (thankfully not until the end credits). Sonnenfeld and Smith’s last big hit had been MEN IN BLACK.

THE WILD, WILD WORLD OF JAYNE MANSFIELD (1968 US) D: ARTHUR KNIGHT/JOEL HOLT/ CHARLES W. BROWN JR. W: CHARLES ROSS P: DICK RANDALL A Jayne Mansfield soundalike narrates this fake travelogue that follows her from Italy to New York to Hollywood (the footage is from 1964–66). Most of the stuff she goes to see (edited in) is sex-related (topless clubs, transvestite beauty contest, best breasts competition etc.) and we see her Playboy spread (and clips from her movies). She seems to find any sexual deviancy hard to swallow (“just too darn confusing”) and gets flustered at all the topless services in Hollywood (topless ice cream vendor, shoeshiner, window cleaner and mechanics!). But the best part is Jayne twisting on the beach at Cannes to the sound of Rocky Roberts and the Airdales. I liked the topless all-female rock group, too! Then suddenly, the sound of screeching tyres and photos from her fatal car accident introduce an unexpected, tasteless epilogue (obviously tagged on at the last minute). We see widow Mickey Hargitay mourn with his sons while wandering around their huge mansion and grounds. Screenwriter Ross also wrote FOUR TIMES THAT NIGHT.

THE WILD WOMEN OF WONGO (1958 US) D: JAMES L. WOLCOTT W: CEDRIC RUTHERFORD P: GEORGE R. BLACK This one begins with Mother Nature narrating about how an experiment of hers and Father Time’s went wrong. On the island of Wongo, beautiful women are ruled by oppressive, hairy men who don’t trust the muscular, clean-shaven hunks of Goona, who have less attractive women to mate with. After “ape men” (they look the same as all the other guys in loincloths to me) attack Wongo and other plot convolutions, both tribes swap partners. The idea that beauty belongs with beauty and ugly belongs with ugly is more sad than amusing, and this movie is more silly than entertaining. With Ed Fury, a comic relief parrot and “the great dragon God” is stock footage of an alligator. You might recognise the Coral Castle, Florida, locations from NUDE ON THE MOON and JIMMY THE WONDER BOY.

THE WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN (she was a hippy vampire) (1966 US) D/W/P: JERRY WARREN Warren regular Katherine Victor and her batgirls try to stop the evil Dr. Neon and Ratfink (!) in this forgotten b/w wonder with a very screwy hard-tofollow plot. Most of Warren’s films are as much fun to watch as throat cancer is pleasurable, but this has a certain laughably demented charm that makes it worth a look. Corman regular Bruno VeSota has a part, as does Steve Brodie. Spot the scenes lifted from THE MOLE PEOPLE. Warren had one more film in him, FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND.

WILD ZERO (1999 JPN) D: TETSURO TAKEUCHI W: SATOSHI TAKAGI P: KAICHIRO FURATA/KATSWAKI TAKEMOTO Cult thrashabilly rock’n’rollers Guitar Wolf fight zombies created by aliens in this pretty grating fanboy movie. With lots of DAWN OF THE DEAD-style exploding heads, a transexual and electric plectrum shuriken. Guitar Wolf (also in the American THE SORE LOSERS) come across as likeably goofy, though.

WILLARD (1971 US) D: DANIEL MANN W: GILBERT A. RALSTON P: MORT BRISKIN/BING CROSBY Bruce Davison is Willard, a put-upon office boy. When his overpowering mother dies, he tries to keep the family house from being demolished while getting fucked over by villainous boss Ernest Borgnine. Revenge comes in the form of Willard’s friendship with a swarm of intelligent rats. Pretty stupid movie was a hit, but it’s not very good. With Sondra Locke, Elsa Lanchester, Jody Gilbert, Joan Shawlee, Almira Sessions, Alan Baxter, Minta Durfee and Paul Bradley. Based on Stephen Gilbert’s novel Ratman’s Notebooks. BEN (1972) was the sequel. And there was a remake.

WILLARD (2003 US) D/W/P: GLEN MORGAN P: JAMES WONG Crispin Glover is Willard in this remake and R. Lee Ermey his mean, angry boss trying to get him out of his big, old family house. As in the original, a big black rat called Ben leads Willard’s rodent friends to revolution. Laura Elena Harring (from MULHOLLAND DR.) is Willard’s nice, understanding co-worker. With Jackie Burroughs as mom, Kim McKamy, Gus Lynch and Ty Olsson. Glover was a good choice for the role and this is ok entertainment, but don’t expect anything new added to the story. Morgan co-wrote Wong’s FINAL DESTINATION.

WILLOW (1988 US) D: RON HOWARD W: BOB DOLMAN P: NIGEL WOOL Val Kilmer and a village of dwarfs led by Warwick Davies have to save a baby from an evil queen in this expensive ILM FX kids adventure movie which features a sled chase and the first use of computer morphing. It’s based on a story by executive producer George Lucas, has a good monster, and kids would probably enjoy it (young ones, anyway). With Joanne Whalley (soon to be Kilmer’s wife), Billy Barty, Gavin O’Herlihy, Patricia Hayes, Phil Fondacaro, Kein Pollak and Kenny Baker.

THE WILY MATCH See: THE FOUR HANDS OF DEATH

THE WINDOW (1949 US) D: TED TETZLAFF W: MEL DINELLI P: DORE SCHARY/FREDERIC ULLMAN Jr. Unremarkable but influential b/w B picture has a little boy witnessing a murder in the upstairs room of the tenement building where his family lives. No one believes the imaginative little boy who’s prone to lying, even as the murderous neighbours stalk him. It’s based on a novel by Cornell Woolrich and was officially remade as THE BOY WHO CRIED MURDER and CLOAK AND DAGGER.

THE WINDSOR PROTOCOL (1996 CAN UK) D: GEORGE MIHALKA W: STEPHEN ZOLLER/DAVID PRESTON/MORRIE RUVINSKY P: ROBERT WERTHEIMER/JIM REEVE A potentially interesting premise about an American senator involved with ex-Nazi conspirators trying to bring about the Fourth Reich is completely ruined in this dull thriller starring Kyle MacLachlan as a spy working for the British government. It’s all loosely based on a Jack Higgins novel. With Macha Grenon, Chris Wiggins, Vlasta Vrana, Euege Clark, Lorne Brass, Serge Houde, Ken Pogue, Colin Fox, Aron Tager, Alan Fawcett, Alan Thicke, Janine Theriault, Don Jordan and John Walsh. THUNDER POINT was a sequel.

WINDTALKERS (2002 US) D/P: JOHN WOO W: JOHN RICE/JOE BATTEER P: TERENCE CHANG/TRACIE GRAHAM-RICE/ALISON R. ROSENZWEIS Battleweary Marine Nicolas Cage’s new assignment is to keep Navajo codetalker Adam Beach from falling into the hands of the Japanese during a sweep across Saipan in 1943. This overlong and very oldfashioned (one sided, gung-ho) war movie was one of several rushed into production after 9-11. None of them were very welcome. With Christian Slater, Peter Stormare, Mark Ruffalo, Holmes Osborne, Martin Henderson, Frances O’Connor, Brian Van Holt, Jason Isaacs, Kevin Cooney and lots of stuntmen. It was shot in Hawaii, Utah and California, from a script by the people who wrote the flops CHASERS (1994) and BLOWN AWAY. Once upon a time, Woo made a good war movie, HEROES SHED NO TEARS (and there are parts of BULLET IN THE HEAD that would work as a war movie).

THE WIND WHISTLES UNDER THEIR FEET (talpuk alatt futyul aszel) (1976 HUN) D/W: GYORGY SZOMJAS W: PETER ZIMBRE Most Eurowesterns of the 60s/70s utilised the local backdrops to recreate the American West of old, but this “goulash western” is a 19th century tale of crime and punishment on the Great Hungarian Plains. Djoko Rojic (with the voice of Ferenc Bessenyei) is the escaped outlaw Gyurak. Vladan Holec (voiced by Gyorgy Csenhalmi) is a young upstart in uneasy alliance with him. Istvan Butjor symbolises law and order as the local squire. Everyone else dotting the bleak landscape (lensed by Elemer Ragalyi) is a goat herdsmen, farmer, works on the newly proposed irrigation canal, or a whorelike female. Note the odd, authentic guns (no sixshooters) and excellent costumes, and the fact that this minimal, interesting oddity can’t avoid certain genre clichés (barroom brawls, for example) despite otherwise seeming totally alien. A recommended change of pace, and Ferenc Serbo’s score (based on genuine old ballads and folk songs) is brilliant and evocative. With Gabor Reviczy, Laszlo Szarbo and Istvan Szilagyi. Sensitive animal-lovers should know that a pig and possibly a horse are shot on-screen.

THE WINNER (pit stop) (1969 US) D/W: JACK HILL P: LEE STROSNIDER Roger Corman was the executive producer for Hill’s third full-length feature (following SPIDER BABY and 1966’s MONDO KEYHOLE), and it’s a real find. Dick Davalos stars as the hotshot new stock car racer scouted and sponsored by ex-Marine Brian Donlevy. He’s pitted against current champ Hawk Sidney (Sid Haig, who’s excellent) in a dangerous figure-8 track race. It’s good exploitation, it’s good Americana, shot in b/w beautifully (by Austin McKinney), features great race footage (and dune buggy dragsters in the desert), and has a cool psych score from The Daily Flash and John Fridge. With Ellen Burstyn in an early role, Beverly Washburn, Titus Moede/Moody, and old former racer George Barris as himself.

THE WINNER (1996 US AUSL) D: ALEX COX W: WENDY RISS P: KENNETH SCHWENKER Vincent D’Onofrio is a naïve, kind-hearted guy who can’t stop winning at the tables in Vegas. Rebecca De Mornay (also an executive producer) is the scheming femme fatale lounge singer with her claws into him, and Frank Whaley is a semi-religious weirdo trying to make friends with him. The disjointed plot (based on Riss’ play A Darker Purpose) is reminiscent of earlier Cox movies, an unfocused stew of characters and ideas. Delroy Lindo is a philosophical gambling joint owner, Billy Bob Thornton is Lindo’s employee/Mornay’s boyfriend, and Michael Madsen is D’Onofrio’s rugged troublemaking brother. Cox has a funny cameo as well. With Richard Edson, Sy Richardson and Biff Yeager. The original cut was re-edited by the producers, and the (effective) Pray for Rain soundtrack replaced by jazz. Cox disowned that version. This review refers to a different Japanese version which more closely resembles the original cut. In this form it’s an entertaining, slightly eccentric drama/thriller with an interesting ending, and is worth watching. Cox’s subsequent films (maybe not always satisfying, but always different and interesting) include the Buñuelian THREE BUSINESSMEN, the Jacobean adaptation REVENGERS TRAGEDY, SEARCHERS 2.0 and REPO CHICK.

WINNERS AND SINNERS (five lucky stars; kei mau miu gai ng fook sing; ji mou miao wu fu xing) (1983 HK) D/W: SAMMO HUNG W: BARRY WONG The original Lucky Stars movie is the template that lesser sequels copied exactly. Five ex-cons (Sammo, Richard Ng, Charlie Chin Chiang Lin, Stanley Fung and John Shum) muck about and try to get in some girl’s pants (this time it’s Cherie Chung) while they unwittingly get involved with a dangerous criminal element (they have something valuable that gangsters want). If you’re going to watch a lucky stars film, then make it this one. It’s no classic but has an amazing car pile-up, lots of goofy lowbrow comedy (like Richard Ng wandering about naked thinking he’s invisible) and great fight choreography from Billy Chan, Yuen Biao (who also appears) and Lam Ching Ying (he’s in it, too). With Jackie Chan as a cop in a roller skating contest, Moon Lee, Mars, Tai Bo, Chung Faat, Peter Chan Lung, Fung Hak On, Cecilia Yip, Dick Wei, Wu Ma as a postman, screenwriter Wong, Fung Ging Man, Walter Tso Tat Wah, James Tin Jun, Phillip Chan Yan Kin, John Cheung Ng Long, Lee Ka Ting and Huang Ha.

WINTER KILLS (1979 US) D/W: WILLIAM RICHERT P: FRED CARUSO/DANIEL H. BLATT Jeff Bridges is the brother of an assassinated President who discovers a conspiracy behind his death when a second rifleman makes a deathbed confession in this interesting black comedy modelled on the JFK incident (based on a book by Richard Condon). John Huston is his father and Anthony Perkins has a really good part. With Sterling Hayden, Eli Wallach, Dorothy Malone, Ralph Meeker, Toshiro Mifune, Tomas Milian, Richard Boone, Elizabeth Taylor, Joe Spinnell, Tisa Farrow, Candice Rialson and David Spielberg. Originally a flop in 79, the version widely available now is an ‘83 re-edit release. Some of the humour is ill-fitting, but this is otherwise well worth a look.

WINTER LILY (lily) (1998 CAN) D/W: ROSHELL BISSETT W: RYOSUKE AOIKE P: SAMUEL GORDON A young photographer stays at a bed and breakfast in the remote snowy wilderness. The landlady (Dorothée Berryman) looks after her young daughter who stays upstairs in her room and is never seen. This psychological horror movie has good ideas, but is pretty boring and slow-going. It’s like a more twisted version of COLD COMFORT (also from Canada).

WIPEOUT! See: THE BOSS

WISHCRAFT (rule 3) (2001 US) D: DANNY GRAVES W/P: LARRY KATZ P: PAUL BROOKS/ JEAN MARIE VAN COTT Michael Weston is an intelligent high school nerd with a crush on a cheerleader (cute Alexandra Holden). When he receives a bull’s dick totem through the post he wishes that she’ll be his girlfriend. She does, but a hooded skull-faced figure kills other students. Death is by samurai sword, bowling ball, hanging, axe and fire poker. Meat Loaf is the inept cop on the case, Austin Pendleton is a history teacher, and Zelda Rubinstein is the coroner. With A.J. Buckley (annoying best friend), Allyce Beasley and Hamilton Camp. It’s a pretty desperate attempt at a horror flick which at least has a sense of humour about itself (not a redeeming quality, though). The killer unmasking scene is particularly unconvincing.

WISHMASTER (1997 US) D: ROBERT KURTZMAN W: PETER ATKINS P: PIERRE DAVID/CLARK PETERSON/ NOEL A. ZANITCH Andrew Divoff is fun as an evil djinn (Genie) who grants people wishes in gruesome ways. Tammy Lauren is the heroine who experiences visions of what it’s doing. Other horror movie veterans (like Kane Hodder, Tony Todd, Robert Englund, Ted Raimi and Reggie Bannister) appear in cameos, and Buck Flower is here, too (in a funny part). Tom C. Rainone supervised the sometimes excellent FX (a skeleton breaks out of its body and walks around, for instance). The voice of Angus Scrimm can also be heard. With John Byner, Chris Lemmon, Verne Troyer, Frank Nicotero and Kurtzman. Wes Craven (executive producer) presents this not particularly good but fun feature. Look for the copy of Psychotronic magazine.

WISHMASTER 2: EVIL NEVER DIES (1998 US) D/W: JACK SHOLDER P: TONY AMATULLO This idiotic but kind of enjoyable sequel has Andrew Divoff (with ridiculous, ever-present grin) released by thief Holly Fields and goes on to collect 1,000 souls. Highlights include a rolling killer roulette wheel, playing cards slicing people in half, a man squeezed between prison bars, and the first on-screen presence of the WISHMASTER (the makeup is by a Fangoria writer). With Bokeem Woodbine, Robert LeSardo, Tiny Lister and Ilia Volokh. Alfred Sole was production designer. From the director of THE HIDDEN.

WISHMASTER 3: BEYOND THE GATES OF HELL (wishmaster 3: sword of justice; wishmaster returns) (2001 CAN US) D: CHRIS ANGEL W: ALEX WRIGHT P: GARY HOWSAM/CRAIG NICHOLLS This entry is terrible, if only for the fact that Andrew Divoff has been replaced by John Novak as the djinn. He poses as professor Jason Connery to wreak unimaginative havoc. It debuted on the Sci Fi channel (now Syfy), usually a bad sign. With Daniella Evangelista.

WISHMASTER 4: THE PROPHECY FULFILLED (blood shed) (2002 CAN US) D: CHRIS ANGEL W: JOHN BENJAMIN MARTIN P: GARY HOWSAM This one is an improvement, but relative to the previous entry that’s not really saying much. This time djinn John Novak takes control of a lawyer who wants client Tara Spencer-Nairn (married to a bitter cripple). One guy slices up his own face and another woman wishes for “killer sex”. Victor Webster is some kind of underwritten nemesis character who decapitates with a sword. Screenwriter Martin has a part.

WISHMASTER RETURNS See: WISHMASTER 3

THE WITCH (strange obsession; la strega in amore; creatura del diavolo) (1966 ITL) D/W: DAMIANO DAMIANI W: UGO LIBERATORE P: ALFREDO BINI Womanising Richard Johnson notices an old woman following him. Confronting her at her house, it turns out that she wants him to act as a translator/ librarian, and oversee a vast library written by her late husband (seen preserved in a glass coffin). He soon meets her extremely beautiful, sexy tease of a daughter (lovely Rosanna Schiaffino, a former Miss Liguria), and falls under her spell. Gian Maria Volanté (in Damiani’s classic western A BULLET FOR THE GENERAL) is the equally smitten, crazedseeming former librarian who won’t leave. This b/w psychodrama is surprisingly good, and will keep you interested right through to the surprising ending. It’s based on a Mexican novel by Carlos Fuentes, and unfortunately features cruelty to cats. With Ivan Rassimov.

THE WITCH (1981) See: SUPERSTITION (1981)

WITCHBABE: EROTIC WITCH PROJECT 3 (2001 US) D/W: TERRY WEST P: “JOHN BACCHUS” (ZACHARY SNYGG)/MICHAEL BECKERMAN Final entry in the series takes a look at the history of Bacchusville and the erotic witch (Paige Richards) who offers sexual freedom for the locals oppressed by a comic relief puritan mayor. Fans of endless lesbian couplings (and groupings) will enjoy the multistar cast (Laurie Wallace, Misty Mundae, Darian Cane, Debbie Rochon, Barbara Joyce and Ruby Larocca) getting naked. Others will more likely find it a bore enlivened by some occasionally dumb but funny dialogue.

WITCH BITCH See: DEATH SPA

WITCHBLADE (2000 US) D: RALPH HEMECKER W: J.D. ZEIK P: BRAD FOXHOVEN/PERRY HUSMAN/DAVID WOHL Yancy Butler is a cliché tortured NYC cop who ends up with the “witchblade” on her arm, a ring that transforms into a metal glove that can deflect bullets and has a big spike sticking out of it. Whoever thought that this was enough to base an entire series around was very wrong, as this dull feature-length pilot demonstrates. Lots of photographic FX and tired slo-mo shoot-outs HK style just highlight how desperate it all is. With David Chokachi, Kenneth Walsh, Eric Etebari and Will Yun Lee.

WITCHBOARD (1986 US UK) D/W: KEVIN S. TENNEY P: GERALD GEOFFRAY Tawny Kitaen finds a haunted Ouija board which summons up the spirit of a dead mass murderer in this ok first feature from Tenney. With Kathleen Willhoite. Roberta Findlay’s THE ORACLE was an earlier, better variation on the same theme.

WITCHBOARD 2: THE DEVIL’S DOORWAY (1993 US) D/W: KEVIN S. TENNEY P: WALTER JOSTEN/JEFF GEOFFRAY Frustrated artist Ami Dolenz moves into a loft apartment so she can have room to paint. She finds a Ouija board and contacts the previous tenant who died. Stupid horror sequel with cartoonish characters (like hippy landlady Laraine Newman), killer tools and a possessed station wagon tries to be more ambitious than the original, but is worse. I liked the idea that some boring spirits tell scary lies to make themselves seem more interesting, though.

WITCHBOARD 3: THE POSSESSION (parasite game) (1995 CAN) D: PETER SVATEK W: KEVIN S. TENNEY/JOHN EZRINE P: ROBIN SPRY A guy befriends his new landlord who plays the stock market by predicting future events with a Ouija board (an idea copied from the 50s movie THE MAN WITHOUT A BODY, in which Nostradamus’ head was used for predictions). When he mysteriously commits suicide, the guy takes the board, gets rich, almost dies and has an out-of-body experience. He has to watch from mirrors and bits of glass (after his soul is trapped) as his demon-possessed body fucks his confused wife. Silly time-waster (a moneylender is stabbed to death with his own butterfly collection) is by the director of the disappointing HEMOGLOBIN and SCI-FIGHTERS. With Richard Zeman.

WITCHCRAFT (1988 US) D: ROBERT SPERA W: JODY SAVIN P: YORAN BARZIL/MEGAN BARNETT This bizarre ROSEMARY’S BABY copy has lots of horror clichés and false scares and is ultimately pretty pointless and uneventful. The rest of the longrunning WITCHCRAFT series (at least ten films) has fuck all to do with this.

WITCHCRAFT (1988) See: WITCHERY

WITCHCRAFT THROUGH THE AGES See: HAXAN

WITCHERY (ghosthouse 2; witchcraft; malefiche prezence; la casa 4) (1988 ITL) D: “MARTIN NEWLIN” (FABRIZIO LAURENTI) W: HARRY SPALDING/DANIELE STROPPA P: ARISTIDE MASSACCESI (uncredited) Linda Blair’s family (including mother Annie Ross) go to a big old deserted hotel on an island which they are thinking of buying. David Hasselhoff and his virgin writer friend (Catherine Hickland, who was married to Hasselhoff in real-life) are there, too. Some witch (Hildegard Knef) kills them off. A baby is eaten. Nonsensical and utterly boring. Filmed in Massachusetts.

THE WITCHES (1921) See: HAXAN

THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK (1987 US) D: GEORGE MILLER W: MICHAEL CRISTOFER P: NEIL CANTON/ PETER GUBER/JON PETERS Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfeiffer are bored single women in New England who somehow conjure charming Devil Jack Nicholson into town. The rest of the town turn their backs on the women when they think they are all having orgies in a big house and their vengeful thoughts make things happen (Veronica Cartwright vomits herself to death on cherry pips) until the three women decide to fight back against Nicholson (who becomes a giant). This war of the sexes comedy fantasy based on John Updike’s novel was a huge hit, and I guess is not bad. With Carel Struycken, Richard Jenkins and FX from Rob Bottin. From the director of MAD MAX.

THE WITCHFINDER GENERAL See: MATTHEW HOPKINS: WITCHFINDER GENERAL

WITCH FROM NEPAL (nepal affair; a touch of love; kei yuen; ji yuan) (1985 HK) D: CHING SIU TUNG W: CHUI JING HONG Chow Yun Fat helps a good witch battle an ancient evil (in the form of Dick Wei) in this romantic horror fantasy from the future director of A CHINESE GHOST STORY. Most of the running time chronicles their falling in love as she teaches him telekinesis and acrobatics. When Wei and his zombies kill her, Fat has a lust for vengeance. I liked the final duel ok, but this was pretty disappointing to see after reading such rave reviews. With Emily Chu Bao-Iy (as the titular witch).

WITCH HUNT (1994 US) D: PAUL SCHRADER W: JOSEPH DOUGHERTY P: MICHAEL JOYCE/DAVID GALE Dennis Hopper takes over the Fred Ward role in this much better sequel to CAST A DEADLY SPELL. It’s a detective story which mixes magic and politics into its unusual plot set during the 50s Communist witch-hunts. Anne Miller is the heroine. With Julian Sands, Debi Mazar and Clifton Collins Jr. It doesn’t always gel, but it’s worth a look. Gale Anne Hurd was an executive producer. Dougherty wrote the ATTACK OF THE 50FT. WOMAN remake.

THE WITCHING (necromancy; a life for a life; rosemary’s disciples; the toy factory) (1972 US) D/W: BERT I. GORDON W/P: GAIL MARSH P: SIDNEY L. CAPLAN After Pamela Franklin has a miscarriage, her husband (Michael Ontkean) takes her from LA to the small country town of Lilith where he accepts a job at Orson Welles’ toy factory (which is never seen). The town seems to be stuck in the past, there are no children and all the townsfolk openly practise witchcraft. Franklin hallucinates, gets paranoid and seems to have the power of necromancy in this somewhat confused supernatural thriller from Mr. BIG. It all ends with a very downbeat, rushed ending. This review refers to the R rated 80s rerelease (it was originally PG) with added nude black mass scenes (with Brinke Stevens). With Sue Bernard. Ed Hunt was the assistant director.

WITCHOUSE 2: BLOOD COVEN (demons 2002) (2000 US) D: J.R. BOOKWALTER W: DOUGLAS SNAUFFER P: VLAD PAUNESCU/GARY SCHMOELLER In this sequel-in-name-only, a team of research students investigate the remains of four long-dead bodies discovered in a small town with a history of witch burning. Their teacher gets a skull fragment under her skin and becomes a wisecracking witch with a cape. Those she attacks become her zombie minions with glowing eyes. The BLAIR WITCH influence is seen in lengthy scare scenes shown through a camcorder lens, and the interviews with local residents (one of whom is played by Jeff Burr). The self-referential comedy is pretty irritating. It’s nice to see Andrew Prine in an important role, it’s just a shame it had to be in a lousy Full Moon picture. It was filmed in the US and Romania. Bookwalter also edited as usual. With Ariauna Albright, Claudiu Trandafir and Harry James Picardi. Charles Band was the executive producer. A WITCHOUSE 3 followed.

WITCHING HOUR (2006 FRA) D/W/P: “FRANCOIS MERLIN” (FRANCOIS GAILLARD) A bunch of knockabout young guys (former cops and bodyguards) are hired by a rich lawyer to steal a valuable gem from some gang of thieves. This very cheap shot-on-DV release (on dvd from Redemption) starts like an action movie loaded with fanboy references (just the kind of thing I’d normally hate), but then gets weirder and more unpredictable, with a demented family of cannibals, zombies, witches and gore. Too long at 106 mins, it’s also sometimes funny and the incredibly ambitious camerawork, editing, FX and choreography often work better than you might expect. Merlin (aka Gaillard)’s earlier I AM THE RIPPER (2004) was put out by Salvation Films in the UK. He has since made the giallo homage LAST CARESS and its sequel BLACKARIA (both 2010). I didn’t see any of these, but did see his contribution to the anthology TOKYO GRAND GUIGNOL (2014), and it was pretty good and creepy. I can imagine him doing wonders with a decent script, more money and a good casting director.

THE WITCH QUEEN (1914) See: THE MAGIC CLOAK OF OZ

THE WITCH’S CURSE (maciste in hell; maciste all’inferno) (1960 ITL) D: “ROBERT HAMPTON” (RICCARDO FEDA) W: ORESTE BIANCOLI/PIERO PIEROTTI/EDDY H. GIVEN P: ERMANNO DONATI/ LUIGI CARPENTIERI In Scotland in 1550, a witch is burnt and puts a curse on a small village. One hundred years later and the hexed, paranoid residents accuse a visiting descendant of the witch (on her honeymoon) of witchcraft. Suddenly ancient Greek muscleman Maciste (Kirk Morris) turns up to help! He uproots a cursed tree and finds the doorway to Hell. He has to convince the witch (who turns out to be young and gorgeous) to repeal her curse. Perils include a lion (which switches to a different wild cat through the wonders of continuity error, see it blink when it should be lying dead, too), demons, an eagle, a stampede of bulls and that old favourite, styrofoam rocks. At one point Maciste stares into a pool of fire and sees flashback footage (of different actors in the role!) from ATLAS IN THE LAND OF THE CYCLOPS (1961, which must have been filmed before, I guess) and HERCULES AGAINST THE MONGOLS. All in all a pretty threadbare and desperate peplum hybrid. With Helene Chanel, Andrea Bosic and Pietro Ceccarelli. Watch HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD instead.

THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA (1976 US) D/P: “MATT CIMBER” (MATTEO OTTAVIANO) W: ROBERT THOM This strange, graphic horror movie (that’s reminiscent of David Lynch) comes highly recommended. Millie Perkins stars as a disturbed barmaid who has sex with macho men like sailors and football players before castrating them with a razor. Disturbing flashbacks to her abusive father show why. Perkins is excellent, and the whole picture has a hallucinatory quality all its own. With George “Buck” Flower and Roberta Collins. Thom also wrote WILD IN THE STREETS (1968), which his wife Perkins was in. Ottaviano also made the wonderful THE CANDY TANGERINE MAN.

THE WITCH WITH FLYING HEAD (fei taugh mo neuih; fei tou mo nu) (1977 TAI) D: WOO LIAN SING An evil snake man emits a snake from his mouth that somehow possesses a young woman (we get some close-ups of a snake slithering through her internal organs). Thus her head detaches itself from her body at night (with guts still hanging from the neck), grows big fangs and floats around looking to drink people’s blood. This bizarre horror movie is a little slow-moving and has dodgy FX, but remains pretty interesting stuff. Two years later the Indonesian MYSTICS IN BALI told a similar story derived from their own folklore.

A WITCH WITHOUT A BROOM (una bruja sin escoba) (1966 SPN US) D/W: “JOE LACY” (José MARIA ELORRIETA) W: “HOWARD BERK” (José LUIS NAVARRO) P: SIDNEY W. PINK Best known for THE ANGRY RED PLANET and REPTILICUS, Pink spent most of the 60s producing US-Spanish co-productions like this. Jeffrey Hunter is an American university professor in Madrid who’s pulled through time by a good-looking witch wannabe (Maria Perschy), the daughter of a sorcerer. First the 16th century, then the Stone Age, Roman times and finally a postapocalyptic future. Women in all these time zones seem to find him irresistible. Silly and grating romantic comedy fantasy. With Gustavo Rojo, Perla Cristal, Frank Brana, Frank Dafauce, Angel Menendez, José Morales and Espenza Roy. The same year Pink and Elorrieta made the adventure movie THE TREASURE OF MAKUBA, starring Cameron Mitchell!

WITHIN THE WOODS (1978 US) D/W: SAM RAIMI Here’s the 30 mins proto-EVIL DEAD promo film that Raimi and Co. made to show potential investors for that horror classic. It’s primitive, of course, and the very bad quality bootleg prints around are almost unwatchable, but it’s fun for EVIL DEAD fans to see familiar ideas, shots and camera movements. Bruce Campbell is a geeky type with glasses and it revolves around an ancient Indian burial ground curse. Scott Spiegel is also in it and Ted Raimi is credited as a crew member.

WITHNAIL AND I (1987 UK) D/W: BRUCE ROBINSON P: PAUL M. HELLER Paul McGann is I and Richard E. Grant is Withnail, two unemployed on-the-edge alcoholic actors who retreat to the country from London for the weekend. That’s it in terms of plot, but watching these two drunkards try to deal with things like washing up, hunting and an overbearing horny homosexual Richard Griffiths is funnier than you may think. It’s set in 1969, but that isn’t really important. Recommended. With Ralph Brown, Michael Elphick and Daragh O’Malley. HOW TO GET AHEAD IN ADVERTISING was the MANSTER-inspired follow up.

WITHOUT WARNING (alien shock; ninjalien) (1980 US) D/P: GREYDON CLARK W/P: LYN FREEMAN/DANIEL GRODNIK W: BEN NETT/STEVE MATHIS David Caruso is one of the teens vacationing near a backwoods lake when an alien (Kevin Peter Hall, who isn’t seen till the end) turns up to kill with flesheating, toothy, parasite-throwing discs. Mostly talk that even a potentially great cast can’t save: Jack Palance, Martin Landau as a ’nam vet, Ralph Meeker, Neville Brand, Cameron Mitchell, Larry Storch (who’s funny) and Sue Ann Langdon. I remember loving it after taping it off late-night tv as a kid, and being sorely disappointed rewatching it years later.

WIVES OF THE YAKUZA (gang wives; gokudo no onna tachi) (1986 JPN) D: HIDEO GOSHA W: KOJI TAKADA Based on a bestseller by investigative journalist Shoko Ieda (who makes an appearance), this hit yakuza drama focuses on some of the women behind the gangsters, primarily Shima Iwashita, who’s great as the temporary figure of power when her gang boss husband is in jail for a long stretch. Rina Takase co-stars as her younger sister who gets involved with shady talent agent and ambitious underling Masanori Sera, a relationship that will put her at odds with her sibling. The death of a don and scheming Mikio Narita moved the plot along. More involving that the soap opera dynamics suggest, it’s easy to see why this was so popular (and why several sequels followed). With Kei Sato, Akiko Yoshino, Kojiro Shimizu, Seizo Fukumoto, Moeko Ezawa, Kasuko Matsuo, Takeshi Shikanai, Masao Komatsu and Riki Takeuchi in one of his earliest roles.

THE WIZ (1978 US) D: SIDNEY LUMET W: JOEL SCHUMACHER P: ROB COHEN This is the ill-advised Motown Records black cast musical remake of THE WIZARD OF OZ, based on William F. Browns’ play. Diana Ross is Dorothy, Michael Jackson is the Scarecrow, Nipsey Russell is the Tin Man, and Richard Pryor is the Wiz. Those scary monkeys are replaced by killer bins (!) and pillars on the NY underground. Stan Winston provided the FX. With Lena Horne, Quincy Jones, Robin Givens and Luther Vandross.

WIZARD OF DARKNESS (eko eko azaraku) (1995 JPN) D: SHIMAKO SATO W: SHINICHI KOGA/JUNKI TAKEGAMI P: YOSHINORI CHIBA/SHUNICHI KOBAYASHI This pretty lame teen horror movie stars Kimiko Yoshino as the new girl at school who is actually a good witch. The finale has her confronting evil witch student Miho Kano in a classroom after her classmates have been slaughtered. With Ryoka Yuzuki, Kanji Tsuda, a lesbian teacher and a pervert headmaster. Based on Koga’s manga, it was a big hit so sequels (beginning with BIRTH OF THE WIZARD) followed.

WIZARD OF DARKNESS 2 See: BIRTH OF THE WIZARD

THE WIZARD OF GORE (1970 US) D/P: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS W: ALLEN KAHN One of Lewis’ final movies is also one of his most interesting. Ray Sager is Montag the Magician, a furry-eyebrowed illusionist who mutilates volunteers onstage (using a chainsaw and other imaginative props) in gory ways. They walk away unharmed (it all being an illusion) until they later fall down dead from the wounds. A feminist tv presenter wants him on her show (Housewives’ Half Hour!!??!) but to tell you any more about this unbelievable horror movie with a cosmic ending would be futile. You really should see it for yourself. Kahn also wrote YEAR OF THE YAHOO! for Lewis. Crispin Glover (excellent choice!) took over the role of Montag for the surprisingly ok 2007 remake.

THE WIZARD OF MARS (horrors of the red planet; alien massacre; journey into the unknown) (1964 US) D/W/P: DAVID L. HEWITT W: ARMANDO BUSICK Some astronauts crash on Mars. They walk around for ages talking and almost get killed when a volcano erupts. They encounter a psychic alien and eventually communicate with the image of John Carradine’s floating head, which talks a lot. The best thing about this colourful waste of time is the Don Post-designed alien head. It was Hewitt’s first year as director, in which he also made the much more enjoyable spook show featurette MONSTERS CRASH THE PAJAMA PARTY. Forrest J. Ackerman was the technical advisor.

THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939 US) D: VICTOR FLEMING/ KING VIDOR W: NOEL LANGLEY/FLORENCE RYERSON/EDGAR ALLAN WOOLF/IRVING BRECHER/ WILLIAM H. CANNON/HERBERT FIELDS/ARTHUR FREED/JACK HALEY/E.Y. HARBURG/SAMUEL HOFFENSTEIN/ BERT LAHR/JOHN LEE MARTIN/HERMAN J. MANKIEWICZ/JACK MINTZ/SID SILVERS P: MERVYN LeROY Judy Garland is Dorothy in this much-loved classic musical adaption of L. Frank Baum’s novels. Still highly watchable to this day, it remains the ultimate kids’ fantasy movie. With Frank Morgan, Ray Bolger, Bert Lahr, Jack Haley, Billie Burke, Margaret Hamilton, Charley Grapewin, Clara Blandick, Tyler Brooke, Billy Curtis, Daisy and Harry Earles, Shep Houghton, Charles Irwin, Mitchell Lewis and Rolfe Sedan. The stories of the alcoholic, foul-mouthed dwarfs who played the Munchkins are legendary (if not all true) and inspired UNDER THE RAINBOW. See PATCHWORK GIRL OF OZ for earlier Baum.

WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM (el mago del reino perdido) (1984 US ARG) D: HECTOR OLIVERA W: TOM EDWARDS P: FRANK ISAAC/ALEX SESSA Roger Corman must have raided every rubber monster and man-in-a-monster suit from the Concorde cupboard for this silly sword and sorcery kids’ adventure (lensed in Argentina). The results are not too impressive, but it doesn’t get boring and kids might enjoy. Bo Svenson is Kor the Conqueror, a wine-drinking wanderer who helps a young boy magician (and his big furry beast of a friend) save the kingdom from an evil sorcerer. I liked the crumbling zombie wizards rising from their graves and the big transparent floating head that fires laser beams from its mouth the best. With lots of dwarfs in pointed hats. Footage from this ended up in ANDY COLBY’S INCREDIBLE ADVENTURE (1988).

WODAABE: HERDSMEN OF THE SUN (wodaabe, les bergers du soleil; wodaabe-die hirten der sonne. nomaden am sudrand der sahara) (1989 FRA W.GER) D/W: WERNER HERZOG P: PATRICK SANDRIN Minor but quite interesting obscure Herzog made-for-tv look at a nomadic tribe of herders of the southern Sahara. The centrepiece is footage of a competitive beauty festival in which the males apply remarkable makeup and employ theatrical behaviour in order to be chosen by (often married) women for a few nights of passion. Some of the men really are quite beautiful. Co-producer Herzog narrates.

WOLF (1994 US) D: MIKE NICHOLS W: JIM HARRISON/ WESLEY STRICK P: DOUGLAS WICK After BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA and MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN we got a boring, long, expensive remake of the werewolf legend. Jack Nicholson is an NYC book editor who wants revenge when James Spader takes over his job. He turns into a wolf (after being bitten by one) and falls in love with Michelle Pfeiffer. It has no action or gore, is not scary and Rick Baker’s FX are minimal. A box office flop, but what were they thinking when they hired Nichols? With Kate Nelligan, Richard Jenkins, Ron Rifkin, David Hyde Pierce, Om Puri, Prunella Scales, Brian Markinson, David Schwimmer and Allison Janney. It was a few years before Hollywood returned with their MUMMY revision.

THE WOLF See: WOLFGIRL

THE WOLF BRIGADE (jin-roh; kerberos panzer cops) (1998 JPN ANIMATED) D: HIROYUKI OKIURA W: MAMORU OSHII P: TSUTOMU SUGITA/HIDEKAZU TERAKAWA In an alternate post-WWII Tokyo there is much social unrest, with an underground guerrilla sect fighting heavily armed military police in control of the city. This sombre, low-key and brilliantly animated story concentrates on one soldier traumatised by a schoolgirl renegade who blew herself up in front of him. There’s more to it than that, and it’s worth checking out for serious anime fans who don’t demand hyperkinetic cyberpunk violence from all Japanime. Okiura also helmed COWBOY BEBOP: THE MOVIE, while Oshii is most famous for GHOST IN THE SHELL and PATLABOR.

WOLF CREEK (2004 AUSL) D/W/P: GREG McLEAN Brit travellers Cassandra Magrath and Kestie Morassi, and Aussie city dweller Nathan Phillips drive across the vast, uninhabited outback of Southern Australia. Their car mysteriously breaks down while visiting the title meteor crater landmark, and along comes hunter John Jarratt to help them out. He turns out to be a calculating, merciless psycho in this wellpaced, creepy and unpredictable slasher that breathes new life into derivative material. Very loosely based on a true story (or several), they would have been better off just staying fictional and not trying to tie it in with reality. Still well worth a look, though.

WOLF DEVIL WOMAN (wolfen ninja; long lui baak moh; lang nu bai mo) (1982 TAI) D/W: CHANG LING P: SHANG TIN-TSU/HSU TSAI-LAI/CHANG I SHIANG Somehow a baby girl manages to survive being buried under an avalanche in below-freezing temperatures and is rescued by a wolf which raises her in an ice cave. She grows up to be director Ling (aka Pearl Cheong), who has great strength and agility, and her hair turns white when she’s angry or drunk (like in the later THE BRIDE WITH WHITE HAIR, which probably comes from the same literary source). The confusing plot has two men (one heroic and handsome, and the other a bumbling fool) helping her defeat an evil pointy-hatted wizard with a freeze ray and his legion of disappearing ninjas, green-faced zombies and hopping vampires. Ling/Cheong has a cool long furry whip with a claw on the end which she uses to rip enemies’ limbs and heads off (parts are quite gory). She also bites the flesh off her own arm so that the spurting blood will put out a fire which engulfs the heroic guy in one scene! Sometimes the FX are strange, superimposed animations, and the soundtrack gets pretty strange once in a while. With Wong Hap. Pretty entertaining, all said.

WOLF DEVIL WOMAN 2 See: MATCHING ESCORT

WOLFEN (1981 US) D/W: MICHAEL WADLEIGH/ JOHN HANCOCK (uncredited) W: DAVID FRYE/ERIC ROTH (uncredited) P: RUPERT HITZIG Albert Finney is an NYC cop investigating a series of brutal ritualistic killings. Could it be the work of werewolves? Whitely Strieber’s novel has been turned into a pretty interesting mythical urban thriller that will disappoint if you’re expecting a full-on horror movie. Gerry Fisher’s Steadicam FX photography is well done, and the whole thing (from the director of WOODSTOCK) reeks of class, but that’s what distances it from the audience. With Edward James Olmos, Gregory Hines, Tom Noonan, Dick O’Neill, Diane Venora, James Tolkan, Roy Brocksmith, Wadleigh, Tom Waits (actually removed from most video and dvd prints for copyright reasons) and the voice of Mel Welles. Apparently the version we now see was taken away from Wadleigh, had A LOT cut out from it, and was completely reconstructed by Hancock (of LET’S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH fame).

WOLFEN NINJA See: WOLF DEVIL WOMAN

WOLFGIRL (the wolf; blood moon) (2001 CAN US) D: THOM FITZGERALD W: LORI LANSENS P: J. MILES DALE When Tim Curry’s old-fashioned freak show comes to town, some mean teens throw dog shit at the hairy wolf girl (Victoria Sanchez). But nice, sensitive wimp Dov Tiefenbach has been giving her his scientist mom (Lesley Ann Warren)’s experimental hair removal injections that have violent side effects. Sanchez loses her body hair but becomes more primal and vicious, and kills for revenge. This surprisingly good movie filmed in Romania has lots of real freaks, a dwarf orchestra, Sanchez nudity (she also drinks out of a toilet) and some surprises. Grace Jones is good as a half-man/half-woman and Chuck Norris gets a special thanks in the end credits. With Shawn Asmore, Shelby Fenner, Tom Denman and Nate Dushku.

THE WOLF MAN (1941 US) D/P GEORGE WAGGNER W: CURT SIODMAK Lon Chaney Jr. returns from America to his father Claude Rains’ estate in a Wales where no one has an accent, and is bitten by a wolf that turns him into the title monster every full moon in a b/w Universal horror standard classic above standard criticism. Not because it’s special, but because like many others from this era it’s nowadays watchable and relatively enjoyable, but the thrills have worn off after years of imitations. Still a must-see for horror fans, of course. Bela Lugosi doesn’t last long as a werewolf gypsy and Ralph Bellamy is the head policeman. With Evelyn Ankers, Maria Ouspenskaya, Warren Williams, Patric Knowles, Fay Helm, J.M. Kerrigan, Forrester Harvey, Jessie Arnold, Harry Cording, Gibson Gowland, Leyland Hodgson, Olaf Hytten, Kurt Katch, Doris Lloyd, Ottola Nesmith, Eddie Polo, Harry Stubbs and Eric Wilton. FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN followed. Remade in 2010.

WOLFMAN (1979 US) D/W: WORTH KEETER P: EARL OWENSBY Southern businessman and movie producer (and bad actor) Owensby gave Keeter his directorial debut helming this old-fashioned period werewolf movie. Owensby plays a travelling antique salesman who returns to his ancestral home in the country when his father dies. Scheming relatives involved in the black arts are trying to pass a lyncanthropy curse on to Owensby. You’ll imagine a curse has been passed on to you if you endure this slow, overlong and deadly boring crap.

THE WOLFMAN NEVER SLEEPS See: THE FURY OF THE WOLFMAN

WOLF NIGHT See: “LEGEND” WOLF LODGE

THE WOLVES (shussho iwai) (1971 JPN) D/W: HIDEO GOSHA W: KEI TASAKA Due to an amnesty on prisoners after a change of Emperor heralding the Showa era, gangster Tatsuya Nakadai is released from prison in 1929. On his return he must come to terms with the fact that his gang and former arch rivals have vowed to merge under a peaceful truce, and he takes it upon himself to expedite an important marriage ceremony by sorting out numerous bad blood issues amongst his brothers. Deliberately paced and never less than utterly engrossing, there are many great scenes in this first-rate yakuza flick. With Noboru Ando, Tetsuro Tamba, Kyoko Enami, Kunie Tanaka and a score by Masaru Sato. The seriously undervalued Gosha made VIOLENT STREETS next.

WOLVERINE: X-MEN ZERO See: X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE

A WOMAN ALONE See: SABOTAGE (1936)

THE WOMAN AVENGER (fatal claws, deadly kicks; dau mooi chut ma; yi mei chu ma) (1979 HK) D: LEE TSO NAM Ha Kwong Li learns kung fu so she can avenge her husband’s death at the hands of bandits in this fast-paced and enjoyable martial arts programmer. Pang Gang choreographed the great action and appears as the main villain. With Wong Chi Sang, Sit Hon, Shih Ting Ken and Robert Tai.

THE WOMAN CHASER (1999 US) D/W: ROBINSON DEVOR P: SOLY HAIM Despite the low budget, Devor’s debut manages to be a stylish and pretty much near pitch-perfect adaptation of Charles Willeford’s great blackly comic cult novel (an unofficial sequel to his offbeat High Priest of California, I think). Patrick Warburton (who narrates) is excellent as Richard Hudson, a successful yet somewhat twisted and misguided California used car salesman (and ladies’ man) who decides to branch out into the movie business with the help of a Hollywood producer has-been father-in-law. He becomes the writer-director of The Man Who Got Away. Unless you’re familiar with the book, it’s full of surprises, and even if you are it’s a joy to see it done justice onscreen. The b/w photography helps (although it was shot in colour, and apparently briefly released to cable like that, in a slightly shorter version), as does the exotica easy listening soundtrack of Les Baxter, Tito Puente etc. I spotted a boom mic briefly in one scene, though.

WOMANEATER (1957 UK) D: CHARLES SAUNDERS W: BRANDON FLEMING P: GUIDO COEN George Coulouris returns from the Amazon (where he witnesses a native sacrifice) with a living tree with vines and pincers that he keeps locked up in his secret laboratory. He also brought a native servant called Tanga, who hypnotises women (with bongo music) so that they give themselves to the “Ju Ju” plant. Somehow Coulouris hopes that these sacrifices will help him develop a serum that will return the dead to life (his murdered housekeeper). A hula dancer with a passing carnival who becomes a livein housemaid is in danger, her cheery mechanic boyfriend the hero. Watchable but run-of-the-mill b/w Eros release, from the director of the same year’s more interesting THE MAN WITHOUT A BODY, and “the first British nudist feature”, NUDIST PARADISE (1958).

WOMAN FROM DEEP RIVER See: CANNIBAL FEROX

THE WOMAN HUNT (escape; the highest bidder) (1972 PHIL) D/P: EDDIE ROMERO W: DAVID HOOVER/ JACK HILL P: JOHN ASHLEY New World released this pretty boring MOST DANGEROUS GAME copy in which cronies led by Sid Haig and producer Ashley capture female tourists on an island so that a rich villain with a crossbow can hunt in the jungles to entertain his jaded jet set clients. Ashley turns hero and helps the girls (including Pat Woodell) escape. With Ken Metcalfe and Eddie Garcia.

THE WOMAN IN BLACK (1989 UK) D: HERBERT WISE W: NIGEL KNEALE P: CHRIS BURT Kneale (of QUATERMASS and THE STONE TAPE fame) continued the tradition of the BBC Christmas Ghost Story (for another channel) with this eerie feature-length adaptation of Susan Hill’s book (I hear that the long-running theatre version near Covent Garden, London, is well worth checking out, by the way). Adrian Rawlins is the young solicitor sent to a small market town to oversee the closure of a haunted estate. The title spectre can cause quite a jolt, and there’s a bunch of ghoulish surprises. With Bernard Hepton, John Cater and Steven Mackintosh. As I write in early 2012, HARRY POTTER’s Daniel Radcliffe stars in a new adaptation released by the resurrected Hammer.

THE WOMAN IN GREEN (sherlock holmes and the…) (1945 US) D/P: ROY WILLIAM NEILL W: BERTRAM MILLHAUSER Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce return as Holmes and Watson in this, one of the best in the series. Hypnotism is a major plot device as women are discovered dead with their right forefingers missing. Moriarty (Henry Daniell) is behind it, of course, the fiend. With Hillary Brooke, Paul Cavanagh, Matthew Bolton, Frederick Worlock, Mary Gordon, Leslie Denison and Olaf Hytten. PURSUIT TO ALGIERS was next.

WOMAN IN THE BOX (hako no naka no onna: shojo ikenie) (1985 JPN) D: MASARU KONUMA W: KAZUO KOMIZU P: HIROSHI HANZAWA A couple who enjoy fucking in a van with one-way mirrored windows in busy pedestrian areas kidnap a young woman (early adult video star Saeko Kizuki) and keep her in an underground lair. They tie her up, put a small wooden box on her head, hose her down, rape and humiliate her and keep her locked up in a large wooden box for long periods of time. They also take her out for sessions in the van. In one surreal scene they take her (in the box) to the beach, where they drain her blood and drink it before fucking wildly in the surf. In the utterly outrageous ending, the girl escapes (after nearly being hit by a subway train and crawling through sewage), but when she reaches the police station, she’s so overcome with lust recalling her experiences that she starts yanking on her clit chain, and the cops gang-rape her! She becomes a rape celebrity posing in sexy SM photo shoots, refuses to press charges and willingly returns to her captors! The sex is borderline hardcore (with digital masking), and the acting is horrible (not to mention the unattractive performers), but this pretty mind blowing sickie is a landmark of offensive, un-PC exploitation that I have to admit I love to pieces. In the interesting 2000 Konuma documentary SADISTIC & MASOCHISTIC, behind-the-scenes footage reveals that they did shoot in a real sewer without permits, and that backed-up human waste was REAL! Kizuki was a real trooper! A sequel from 1988 toned down the explicitness of the sex, but is also well worth a look. Screenwriter Komizu is most well-known for his own ENTRAILS OF A VIRGIN. Check out Konuma’s MR. DILEMMA MAN for a change of pace, by the way.

WOMAN IN THE WINDOW (1944 US) D: FRITZ LANG W/P: NUNNALLY JOHNSON Edward G. Robinson is a psychology professor living in New York City who meets a woman he’s seen before in a painting (Joan Bennett). She ends up dead and Robinson investigates and starts wondering whether he did it himself. Dan Duryea blackmails him in this b/w RKO thriller that’s great all the way through until the ill-advised, unsuitable “surprise” ending (especially for a modern audience). Based on J.H. Wallis’ novel. With Paul Bradley, Claire Carleton, Eddy Chandler, Alec Craig, Hal Craig, Raymond Massey, Edmund Breon, Thomas E. Jackson, Dorothy Peterson, Arthur Loft, Iris Adrian, Don Brodie, Robert Blake, Joe Devlin, Tom Dillon, Ralph Dunn, Bess Flowers, Jack Gardner, Jack Gargan, Fred Graham, Harry Hayden, Jack W. Johnston, Donald Kerr, Spanky McFarland, Frank Melton, Frank Mills, Harold Minjir, Frances Morris, Wedgwood Norwell, Anne O’Neal, Arthur Space, Wyndham Standing and Larry Steers. The three stars returned in Lang’s SCARLET STREET the following year.

A WOMAN SCORNED (scorned) (1993 US) D: ANDREW STEVENS W: BARRY AVRICH/KAREN KELLY P: DAMIAN LEE Shannon Tweed is the wife of a determined executive who pimped her out so he could get a promotion. He doesn’t and kills himself. Tweed wants vengeance when another guy (Andrew Stevens) gets the job, so she gets the position of his son’s live-in tutor and proceeds to bust up the family through seduction. Ridiculous “erotic” thriller spawned a sequel. Stevens and Tweed had already been in the NIGHT EYES movies. With Paul Carr.

THE WOMAN VAMPIRE See: THE LADY VAMPIRE

THE WOMAN WITH RED HAIR (akai kami no onna) (1979 JPN) D: TATSUMI KUMASHIRO W: HARUHIKO ARAI P: AKIRA MIURA Labourer/truck driver Renji Ishibashi picks up Junko Miyashita hitch-hiking, and she moves in with him at his shithole apartment. She mentions a husband and children, but seems content either fucking or waiting for him to come home so she can be fucked. A couple of loud drug addicts live downstairs. A subplot involves Kai Ato getting the boss’ teenage daughter pregnant after raping her. It’s not unlike a grittier, working class IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES, with urban alienation and boredom instead of passion and scandalous shock. It’s very good, actually, and Miyashita and Ishibashi are both excellent. With Noboru Mitani, Moeko Ezawa and Akira Takahashi. The director made the JIGOKU remake the same year.

WOMEN IN CHAINS See: BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA

WOMEN IN CAGES See: THE BIG DOLL HOUSE

WOMEN IN REVOLT (andy warhol’s…) (1971 US) D/W: PAUL MORRISSEY Candy Darling spearheads a half-hearted women’s lib revolution in this biting and often hilarious NYC gutter melodrama, another great Morrissey movie with memorable dialogue and ahead-of-its-time attitude. With Jackie Curtis, Holly Woodlawn, Johnny Kemper, Betty Blue, Brigid Berlin and Martin Kove, and a BLONDE ON A BUM TRIP reference.

WOMEN OF HELL’S ISLAND (hell hole; escape from women’s hell hole) (1978 PHIL) D/W: CIRIO H. SANTIAGO W: KEN METCALFE P: HIRENE LOPEZ Another Filipino women-in-prison movie. This time “sluts” are kidnapped and taken to a secret colony in the jungle where they’re injected with an aphrodisiac and forced to service assassins. Not among the classics of the genre, but has enough of the right sleazy elements to satisfy completists.

WOMEN OF THE PREHISTORIC PLANET (prehistoric planet women) (1965 US) D/W: ARTHUR C. PIERCE P: GEORGE EDWARDS Wendell Corey is a senile old commander leading a small crew of astronauts on a mission to explore a new planet. Irene Tsu is the alien centurion on-board, whom some people seem to have racial problems with. John Agar is one of the men who encounter a giant lizard, some kind of jumping spider and a small swamp (all pretty laughable). Tsu eventually meets and falls in love with another centurion on the planet (Robert Ito) and at the end they are left alone as Adam and Eve and the planet is named Earth. With Merry Anders, Lyle Waggoner, Stuart Margolin, Gavin McLeod and Adam Roarke. For 50s (it seems like it’s from a decade earlier) sci-fi completists only.

WOMEN ON THE RUN (lady weapon: zero; chi luo kuang ben; chek law kwong ban) (1993 HK) D/P: DAVID LAI DAI-WAI/COREY YUEN KWAI W: POON YUEN-LEUNG A female kung fu champion movie star wannabe from the Chinese countryside (Tamara Guo) is hooked on drugs and tricked into becoming a hooker. In Hong Kong she butts heads with female cop Farini Cheung, but they bond when Guo helps the cops go after drug kingpin King Kong (Korean fighter Kim Won Jin). They’re double-crossed by Cheung’s corrupt superior and lover (co-director Dai-Wai) and end up framed for smuggling in Vancouver, with Chinese hitmen trying to off them while in custody. They return to HK for revenge. Sloppy and clichéd, but occasionally exciting and amusingly sleazy Cat III actioner features Guo doing naked roundhouse kicks, and a hilarious energetic gangrape scene. All the men are sleazeballs, and all foreigners are mean and dangerous. Co-director Yuen also has a major role. With Lui Daat. Not essential by a long shot, but may amuse genre fans who’ve run out of classics to watch. “Your penis is over”.

WOMEN’S CAMP 23: THE SEEDS OF DEATH See: S.S. EXPERIMENT CAMP

WOMEN’S PENITENTIARY See: THE BIG DOLL HOUSE

WOMEN’S PENITENTIARY 2 See: THE BIG BIRD CAGE

WOMEN’S PENITENTIARY 3 See: THE BIG DOLL HOUSE

WOMEN UNCHAINED (five angry women; escape from cell block 3) (1974 US) D/W: KEN OSBORNE W/P: CLANCY B. GRASS III Five goodlooking women (one black, one crazed lesbian) escape from a women’s prison, on through a sewer pipe and into the desert on foot in an attempt to get to Mexico without being caught. Nothing special, but a solid entry for its type that you just know is not going to have a happy ending. The soundtrack is a good mix of soul, funk and hippy pop.

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF THE BROTHERS GRIMM (1962 US) D: HENRY LEVIN D/P: GEORGE PAL W: CHARLES BEAUMONT/DAVID P. HARMAN/ WILLIAM ROBERTS Very long (over two hours) Pal fantasy anthology weaves in the Brothers Grimm fairy tales while also giving a biographical look at how the brothers came to be known for these children’s favourites. The trouble is that there’s not enough fantasy for the kids, and the other stuff is not too interesting for grown-ups. It has its moments, though. With Karlheinz Bohm, Barbara Eden, Laurence Harvey, Claire Bloom, Arnold Stang, Walter Slezak, Russ Tamblyn, Oskar Homolka, Yvette Mimieux, Jim Backus, Robert Foulk, Marita Hunt, Terry-Thomas, Ian Wolfe, Walter Brooke, Buddy Hackett, Otto Kruger and Walter Rilla (father of VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED director Wolf Rilla).

WONDERLAND (2003 US CAN) D/W: JAMES COX W: CAPTAIN MAUZNER/TODD SAMOVITZ/D. LORISTON SCOTT P: MICHAEL PSEORNEK/HOLLY WIERSMA This takes a look at the notorious Wonderland murders in LA 1981 from several different viewpoints. It concentrates on cokehead porn star John Holmes (Val Kilmer) and his possible participation in the vengeful, homicidal payback for the robbery of Eddie Nash (Eric Bogosian, in the role that Alfred Molina more or less played in BOOGIE NIGHTS). Josh Lucas is Ron Launin (the real-life inspiration for Nick Nolte’s character in WHO’LL STOP THE RAIN, but at a very different time in his life, and a very different portrayal, too). Kate Bosworth is Holmes’ girlfriend Dawn Schieller (the real one was associate producer), and Lisa Kudrow is wife Sharon Holmes. With Tim Blake Nelson, Dylan McDermott, Christina Applegate, M.C. Gainey, Carrie Fisher, Franky G., Janeane Garofalo, Ted Levine, Natasha Gregson Wagner, Faizon Love, Michael Pitt, Carl Ciarfalio, Chris Ellis, Joel Michaely and Paris Hilton. It’s not a boring or uninteresting film by any means, and parts are rather good, but it all seems a bit too slick and structured to formula for this subject matter. I’d like to see a better movie about the case, or a feature documentary (the events are touched on in the Holmes doc WADD). Rick Rosenthal was an uncredited associate producer.

THE WONDERMAN FROM SHAOLIN See: THE MAGNIFICENT WONDERMAN

WONDER WOMEN (1973) See: THE DEADLY AND THE BEAUTIFUL

WOOCHI (jeon woochi: the taoist wizard) (2009 S.KOR) D/W: DONG-HUN CHOI P: EUGENE LEE A romantic time-travelling fantasy actioner from the director of THE BIG SWINDLE (2004). Dong-won Kang is a cocky young wizard hero, Yun-seok Kim (THE CHASER), a respected but untrustworthy grandmaster in league with three “Gods” to obtain an Archgod’s pipe (or flute) is his enemy. “Goblins” look like man-size rats or rabbits. The complicated story jumps from the 16th century to the present day, uses lots of wirework and CGI, and is utterly lightweight and forgettable. But it is also surprisingly good fun while it lasts, if a tad overlong at 130 mins+. Su-jeong Lim co-stars as the love interest (and is reunited with Jung-ah Yum from A TALE OF TWO SISTERS), and Hae-jin Yu is the hero’s dog-in-humanform sidekick (confusingly, he’s also a horse). With Yun-shik Baek.

WOODS ARE WET: WOMAN HELL (onna jigoku: mori wa nureta) (1973 JPN) D/W: TATSUMI KUMASHIRO Hikoko Isayama is a young runaway girl who finds herself the captive of a couple of highly sexed psychos (Hatsuo Yamatami and Rie Nakagawa), who run a country retreat where the guests go missing. Isayama becomes a brainwashed, unwilling accomplice as the residents are slaughtered during sex orgies in this extremely well made, jaw-dropping Sadean sex and violence classic that would have a huge cult following if someone would provide it with English subtitles. With Yuri Yamashina, Moeko Ezawa and Akira Takahashi. Sometimes whole parts of the screen are obscured by black boxes, Kumashiro’s protest against the government restriction of on-screen genitalia.

THE WORKING GIRLS (elvira naked) (1973 US) D/W: STEPHANIE ROTHMAN P: CHARLIE S. SWARTZ Honey (Sarah Kennedy) arrives in LA with no money or a place to stay, moves in with a female artist and looks for work. After putting an ad in the paper, a woman hires her to kill her husband. She doesn’t. Then she works for a rich recluse who hangs out in his limo as a “companion”. Her room-mates have problems with gangsters/criminal boyfriends and working at a strip joint (the retitling refers to a topless number that Cassandra Peterson does). Despite the ad campaigns, there isn’t any sex, though. It’s a typically good-natured, free-spirited timewaster that could only have been made in the 70s. With Preston Sturges’ son Solomon and Mary Beth Hughes. Rothman made the more famous exploitation favourite TERMINAL ISLAND the same year.

WORLD APARTMENT HORROR (1991 JPN) D/W: KATSUHIRO OTOMO W: KEIKO NOBUMOTO/SATOSHI KON P: YOSHIHIRO KATO/YASUHISA KAZAMA AKIRA director (and top manga writer) Otomo’s live-action feature debut. Hiroyuki Tanaka (who later directed movies as Sabu) is a young yakuza out to prove himself to his boss by clearing an apartment he wants built over of illegal Asian immigrants. Tanaka falls victim to a curse on the house. There’s a monster (briefly). It’s not scary horror, but does have a funny sense of humour. I suppose it’s a “message” movie. With Yuji Nakamura and Hua Rong Wong.

WORLD INVASION See: BATTLE LOS ANGELES

THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH (1999 US UK) D: MICHAEL APTED W: NEAL PURVIS/ROBERT WADE/ BRUCE FEIRSTEIN P: BARBARA BROCCOLI/MICHAEL G. WILSON Pierce Brosnan’s third turn as Bond is better than the previous two and has loads of action, the best of which is distilled from the previous 19 films (this was the 20th Bond). Still way too long, but that’s the thing with Bond films, they always are. And do you actually need to know the plot? With Sophie Marceau, Robert Carlyle, Denise Richards, Robbie Coltrane, Judi Dench, Desmond Llewelyn (his last turn as Q before his death), John Cleese, Samantha Bond, Maria Grazio Cucinotta, Colin Salmon, Goldie, Michael Kitchen, David Calder, Serena Scott Thomas, Patrick Malahide, Ulrich Thomsen and Omid Djalili.

THE WORLD OF ACID (the hippie revolt; something’s happening) (1967 US) This documentary about the hippies and the Haight Ashbury scene will become more and more of a fascinating curiosity with age. It’s loaded with great footage of a very different time, but the constant drone of hippies discussing their lifestyle on the soundtrack could drive you up the wall.

WORLD OF TSUGIO INUMARU (cursed village; ushimitsu no mura) (1983 JPN) D: NOBORU TANAKA W: TAKUYA NISHIOKA P: KAZUYOSHI OKUYAMA Masato Furouya is great as the title character, a sexually naïve scholar who’s belittled in his village in the mountains, 1938. He wants to go to war more than anything else, but fails the medical due to his tuberculosis. Soon the village folk turn their backs on him, either due to the disgrace of his failure or through fear of catching the disease. Tsugio Inumaru decides to wage war against his neighbours and slaughters them with his new gun one night, wanting to be a demon. Based on Nozomu Nishimara’s novel that was based on a real-life event. It comes highly recommended. With Shino Ikenami, Renji Ishibashi, Masako Tanako, Midori Satsuki, Isao Natsuki, Kumiko Owa and “Beat” Kyoshi. Tanaka also directed the original WALKER IN THE ATTIC. Okuyama later redirected RAMPO.

THE WORLDS OF GULLIVER See: THE 3 WORLDS OF GULLIVER

WORLD WITHOUT END (1956 US) D/W: EDWARD BERNDS P: RICHARD V. HEERMANCE The first manned flight into space loses contact with Earth somewhere near Mars. The ship encounters problems and crash-lands on an unknown planet with breathable oxygen, gravity, big rubber spiders (thrown from offscreen) and cyclops mutants. The four-man crew (Hugh Marlowe, Rod Taylor, Nelson Leigh and Christopher Dark) realise they have passed through time and are on Earth in the postwar year 2508. The remaining humans live in an underground complex where they appear to be slowly dying. Well-scripted and directed by a veteran of Three Stooges and Bowery Boys shorts, this is one of the best of its type and a real find on late-night tv.

A WORLD WITHOUT THIEVES (tian xia wu zei) (2004 CHN HK) D/W: FENG XIAOGANG P: CHEN KUO-FU/WANG ZHONG-LEI/LIU ZHEN YUN Andy Lau (with a mop top) and Rene Lui are pickpocket lovers on a cross-country train in rural China. Other crooks on-board (led by Ge You) challenge them by attempting to steal savings from a naïve, trusting young country boy (Wang Baoqiang, who acted the same in 2003’s BLIND SHAFT) whom the couple have befriended. Sometimes sappy, sometimes silly (some very poor use of CGI stands out) but mostly engaging (if utterly forgettable) old-fashioned crime adventure. Based on a book by Zhao Benfu, it is occasionally more arty than the material requires. With Lee Bing-Bing and Gordon Lam. Anthony Wong and Chapman To provide voices for the Cantonese dub.

THE WORM EATERS (1977 US) D/W: HERB ROBINS P: TED V. MIKELS Robins stars in this ridiculous, stupid comedy horror. He’s a lakeside campsite caretaker who breeds worms that bad actors (really) eat. They then turn into half-worm creatures. You won’t believe the incredibly inept and daft situations, or the stuck-in-a-sleeping bag worm FX. People might have told you how awful it is, but watch it anyway. You’ll be singing the catchy theme tune for days afterwards. Look for Mikels seen briefly playing cards. Robins had previously acted in Ray Dennis Steckler movies (among others) and directed one more wonder, THE BRAINSUCKER in 1988.

WOULD YOU KILL A CHILD? (death is child’s play; island of death; island of the damned; the killer’s playground, trapped; who can kill a child?; los ninos; quien puede matar a un nino?) (1976 SPN) D/W: NARCISCO IBANEZ SERRADOR Of all the killer kids pictures (VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED, BLOODY BIRTHDAY, CHILDREN OF THE CORN etc.) this may be the all-round best and most disturbing. A man and his pregnant wife arrive on a small island to find all the adults dead and the children acting strangely (and violently). They must fight for their lives and wrestle with their conscience about killing to stay alive. The ending is amazing. With Juan Cazalilla, Luis Ciges and Fabian Conde. It’s based on a novel by Juan José Plans. Some prints are missing the opening mondo footage of historical cruelty to children. Recommended.

WOYZECK (1979 W.GER) D/W/P: WERNER HERZOG Klaus Kinski is typically intense as a manic soldier who’s always in a rush, is on a steady diet of only peas (a psychologist pays him as a medical experiment) and ends up hearing voices that tell him to kill his unfaithful wife (Eva Mattes). With Irm Hermann and Herbert Fox. Another fascinating Kinski/Herzog collaboration based on Georg Buchner’s play filmed under the same title in 1966, 1973, 1991, 1994 and 1999, and there’s also an Iranian version from 1970 called THE POSTMAN.

THE WRAITH (1986 US) D/W: MIKE MARVIN P: JOHN KEMENY Charlie Sheen is the mysterious Dodge Turbo Interceptor-driving hero who brings justice to the highways of a futuristic Arizona by wiping out a sadistic gang of car thieves led by Nick Cassavetes. This boring action movie is an attempt at mixing MAD MAX with more teen-appeal stuff. With Randy Quaid, Clint Howard and Sherilyn Fenn as the love interest.

WRATH OF DAIMAJIN (majin strikes again; daimajin gyakushu) (1966 JPN) D: KAZUO MORI W: TETSURO YOSHIDA P: MASICHI NAGATA When an invading force descends upon a small community for their land, the mountain god Daimajin’s face reddens, a bad omen of things to come. The invaders destroy the great stone Golem, but it doesn’t stay that way for long and soon stomps for justice. A female dancer’s tears awake the fury. With Tsutomu Hashimoto, Toru Abe, Hiroshi Nawa, Reiko Ando, Yuzo Hayakawa, Sachio Horikita, Kazue Tamaoki, Sumao Ishihara and Shouzo Nanbu. Great final entry in the classic monster movie trilogy, with a rousing Akira Ikifube score. The direction is sometimes wrongly credited to Kenji Misumi.

WRECKED (escape) (2011 US CAN) D: MICHAEL GREENSPAN W: CHRISTOPHER DODD P: KYLE MANN Adrien Brody comes to and finds himself wounded and trapped inside a wrecked Chevrolet in the woods. He tries to survive as flashbacks of regained memory fill in the details prior to the crash. Not too bad, and Brody gives a committed (bugeating) performance, but very, very slow, and the ending is ho-hum and just not worth the investment. With Caroline Dhavernas.

WRESTLING RACKET GIRLS See: RACKET GIRLS

WRESTLING WOMEN VS. THE AZTEC APE (rock’n’roll wrestling women vs the aztec ape; doctor of doom; sex monster; las luchadoras contra el medico asesino) (1962 MEX) D: RENÉ CARDONA W: ALFRED SALAZAR P: “WILLIAM” (GUILLERMO) CALDERON (STAL) A mad doctor keeps a man with a gorilla’s brain in a cage and uses him to capture women for his brain transplant experiments. Female wrestlers help the police solve the case, and the secret identity of the villain is pretty easy to guess. In b/w. Lorena Velaquez and Elizabeth Campbell star, with Roberto Canedo, Jorge Mondragon, Armando Silvestre, Victor Velazquez, Ramon Bugarini and Sonia Infante. The ROCK’n’ROLL retitling is from a Rhino Entertainment rerelease which substitutes parts of the soundtrack with annoying rock’n’roll spoof songs. Not to be confused with WRESTLING WOMEN VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY. Cardona returned to the gorilla transplant theme with NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES.

THE WRESTLING WOMEN VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY (rock’n’roll wrestling women vs the aztec mummy; las luchadoras contra la momia) (1964 MEX) D: RENÉ CARDONA W/P: GUILLERMO CALDERON Second in the Los Luchadoras series starring Lorena Valezquez and Elizabeth Campbell as female wrestling tag team Venus and Golden Rubi (the two elegant beauties are clearly doubled by butchier women in the long wrestling scenes that pad this, and the series, out). The Black Dragon Gang (led by Ramon Bugarini dressed like Fu Manchu) are killing off archaeologists who have a clue to the whereabouts of Aztec treasure, hidden in a tomb inside a pyramid ruin. Rather than tell the police, Los Luchadoras are called in to help!? Bugarini has two judo-fighting women as henchmen (cue more wrestling footage), can hypnotise people and spies on them with the use of closed-circuit tv. In the final 20 mins the titular mummy (which is pretty cool, and had his own series beginning with LA MOMIA AZTECA) appears to shuffle about in the only atmospheric (and not totally boring) scenes. Surprisingly, he can turn into a bat (and gets his own flashback like in Hammer’s THE MUMMY). Some guy called a “clown” attempts (and fails) to add comic relief throughout. With Armando Silvestre, Victor Velazquez, Maria Eugenie San Martin, Nathanael Leon, Gerardo Zepeda, Manuel Donde, Mario Seville, Armando Acosta and Julian de Meriche. K. Gordon Murray released an English dub to American tv. Followed by three more sequels, beginning with LAS LOBAS DEL RING.

THE WRONG BET See: LIONHEART

THE WRONG MAN (1956 US) D/P: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: MAXWELL ANDERSON/ANGUS McPHAIL Hitchcock appears at the beginning to tell us that this b/w tale is based on a true story (and Anderson’s book about it, The True Story of Christopher Emmanuel Balestrero). Henry Fonda stars as Balestrero, an NYC jazz club bass player with family and debts, who’s falsely accused and temporarily imprisoned for a series of hold-ups he didn’t commit. The semi-documentary style shows how nosy, irresponsible snoopers and lax police work result in his predicament (and the mental breakdown of his wife Vera Miles). With Anthony Quayle, Nehemiah Persoff, Dayton Lummis, Ray Bennett, Paul Bryar and a little Tuesday Weld giggling. It’s undeniably well done, but dated because the thought of an innocent man in prison isn’t really as surprising or shocking to a modern audience. It was the last credit for busy screenwriter McPhail (DEATH TAKES A HOLIDAY).

WRONG WAY (1972 US) D: RAY WILLIAMS Before a recent no-frills dvd release, this obscurity gained some notoriety among those viewers lucky enough to catch it in the UK on precertificated video (never an official “video nasty”; like many other films, no one bothered to submit it to the BBFC when it was pretty obvious it wouldn’t pass). Finally the rest of us get to see this sleazy gem. Two girls find themselves stranded on a desert road when their car breaks down. They’re gang-raped (to bongos, and other music, some sounding like a hippy Jandek) by four “jeeper” guys in long, energetic and explicit sex scenes. The local sheriff and his deputy (who says “son-of-a-gun” a lot) search for the young women. The rapists leave them for dead, and the girls stumble upon a small cult (two guys, two women digging ditches and a little kid) who also decide to rape (and kill) them. Another subplot involves two guys balling a stoned woman (Rene Bond, as “Mindy Brandt”), while waiting to drive her across the border to sell her to a Mexican whorehouse in exchange for heroin. After sorting out all the trouble, the lighthearted (!) ending has the sheriff cracking jokes (at one point a radio dispatcher is heard to exclaim that it’s “not all bad” because they got to shoot a “hippy rat”!). Also with bikers and a bizarre scene where a guy smokes dope and imagines a naked chick in a cowboy hat as backwards music plays. “It’s been a day. Not good, but different.”

WU TANG MAGIC KICK See: MAR’S VILLA

WU TANG MASTER See: SHAOLIN DRUNKARD

WU TANG MYSTAGOGUE See: SHAOLIN KUNG FU MYSTAGOGUE

WU TANG VS. NINJA See: NINJA HUNTER

WU TANG VS. THE NATION See: FIVE KUNG-FU DARE-DEVIL HEROES

WYATT EARP (1994 US) D/W/P: LAWRENCE KASDAN W: DAN GORDON P: KEVIN COSTNER/JIM WILSON The Wyatt Earp legend is told again in a more historically accurate way with Kevin Costner starring. It’s not bad, but a long three hours that’s not as entertaining as the inaccurate but exciting GUNFIGHT AT THE O.K. CORRAL (1957). With Dennis Quaid, Gene Hackman, Linden Ashby, Jeff Fahey, Mark Harmon, Michael Madsen, Catherine O’Hara, Bill Pullman, Isabella Rossellini, Tom Sizemore, Mare Winningham, JoBeth Williams, Rex Linn, James Gammon, Adam Baldwin, Annabeth Gish, Alison Elliott, James Caviezel, Yea Leoni, Martin Kove, Jack Kehler, Brett Cullen and John Doe.

THE WYVERN MYSTERY (alice) (2000 UK) D: ALEX PILLAI W: DAVID PIRIE P: RUTH BAUMGARTEN Naomi Watts escapes the clutches of lecherous Derek Jacobi and runs away with Jack Davenport only to have her child taken away in this so-so British period tv production based on Sheridan Le Fanu’s gothic novel. With Iain Glen.

XAVIER See: FORBIDDEN WORLD

XCHANGE (2000 CAN) D: ALLAN MOYLE W: CHRISTOPHER PELHAM P: JEAN DESORMEAUX/MARC S. GREINER/STEPHEN UJILAKI Corporate executive Kim Coates uses “mind travel”, when your personality is switched with another person’s body (a futuristic alternative to physical travel). But his host body (Kyle MacLachlan) belonged to that of a terrorist who’s now stolen his body. And the travel company “Xchange” is trying to silence him and cover it up, so Coates/MacLachlan must download into another clone worker (Stephen Baldwin) which has an expiry date coming up soon, and try to solve the problem. Genuinely intriguing sci-fi premise and a great opening scene leads you to believe that this will be worth watching. But it soon slows right down (it’s about 30 mins overlong) and conspiracy thriller clichés set in. A real shame. With Pascale Bussières, Charles Powell, Arnold Pinnock, Sean Devine, Janet Kidder and Larry Day.

THE X-FILES: THE MOVIE (1998 US CAN) D: ROB BOWMAN W/P: CHRIS CARTER W: FRANK SPOTNITZ P: DANIEL SACKHEIM David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are Mulder and Scully in this theatrical extension of the incredibly popular tv series. The plot revolves around a resurfacing ancient virus introduced to Earth by aliens. Don’t expect it to change your mind about the whole X-FILES phenomenon, it’s pretty much like the tv series with some extra FX thrown in and secrets about Mulder’s past for the addicts and fans. With Martin Landau, Mitch Pileggi, Blythe Danner, Armin Mueller-Stahl, Terry O’Quinn, Lucas Black, William B. Davis, John Neville, Jeffrey De Munn, George Murdock, Glenne Headly, killer bees and a giant UFO finale. THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE was a late sequel in 2008.

THE X FROM OUTER SPACE (uchu daikaiju girara) (1967 JPN) D/W: KAZUI NIHONMATSU W: MORIYOSHI ISHIDA/EIBI MOTOMOCHI P: AKIHIKO SHIMADA An interracial mission to Mars brings back with it an alien organism that transforms into one of the goofiest-looking kaiju eiga monsters (with chicken feet) that absorbs the energy of weapons used against it and becomes bigger and stronger. A pretty poor monster movie all told. Eiji Okada stars, with future KAMEN RIDER Hiroshi Fujioka. The following year the same director helmed GENOCIDE for the same company (Shochiku). Over 40 years later, a friend of mine landed a part in a parody, THE MONSTER X STRIKES BACK: ATTACK THE G8 SUMMIT.

XMAS MASSACRE See: NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS

X-MEN (2000 US) D/W: BRYAN SINGER W: DAVID HAYTER/TOM DE SANTO P: LAUREN SHULER DONNER/ RALPH WINTER Stan Lee (who has a cameo) was the executive producer of this fine adaption of his Marvel Comics creation. Patrick Stewart is the wheelchair-bound Prof. Xavier who runs a secret school for talented young mutants shunned by society. Ian McKellen (also in Singer’s APT PUPIL) dons a DEVIL GIRL FROM MARS-style helmet as his nemesis Magneto, trying to turn normal phobic humans into mutants. Hugh Jackman is Wolverine, with Famke Janssen, Halle Berry, James Marsden, Bruce Davison, Anna Paquin, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, George Buza, Dan Duran and Wolfgang Muller. Michael Fink’s visual FX are excellent and not overused. A worthwhile comic book adaption and good groundwork for sequels to work on.

X-MEN 2 (X2) (2003 US) D/W: BRYAN SINGER W: MICHAEL DOUGHERTY/DAN HARRIS/DAVID HAYTER/ ZAK PENN P: LAUREN SHULER DONNER/RALPH WINTER The same major cast members return for this very good sequel that manages to balance a decent story and plenty of summer blockbuster thrills rather well. Brian Cox is the main villain and Alan Cumming is a new mutant he uses to attack the Whitehouse and incite a human vs mutant war. With Stewart, Jackman, McKellen, Berry, Janssen, Paquin, Ty Olsson, Romijn-Stamos, Bruce Davison, Kelly Hu, Katie Stuart, Roger R. Cross, Connor Widdows, Daniel Cudmore, Peter Wing-field, James Kirk, Alf Humphreys, Aaron Pearl and Aaron Douglas. Followed by X-MEN: THE LAST STAND. Director Singer, by the way, is Marc Singer’s cousin, celebrity trivia fans.

X-MEN: FINAL DECISION See: X-MEN: THE LAST STAND

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS (x-men: first generation) (2011 US) D/W: MATTHEW VAUGHN W: ASHLEY MILLER/ZACK STENTZ/JANE GOLDMAN/SHELDON TURNER P: GREGORY GOODMAN/SIMON KINBERG/ LAUREN SHULER DONNER W/P: BRYAN SINGER Fourth in the series (fifth if you count WOLVERINE) is a return-to-form prequel, in which a young Xavier (James McAvoy) and Magneto (Michael Fassbender) first hook up with the help of a CIA agent (Rose Byrne, seen wandering about in her underwear) and seek others of their kind with a mutant-locating device (designed by Nicholas Hoult from the upcoming JACK THE GIANT KILLER remake). A fun, slick, fastpaced mix of big-budget thrills and passable drama, with a nice line in funky retro spy movie gimmicks (and I also caught a slight International Rescue-like THUNDERBIRDS vibe during the finale, too). The always good Kevin Bacon speaks several languages and looks silly in a helmet as the Nazi villain. The Cuban missile crisis is the main backdrop. With Jennifer Lawrence, January Jones, Zoe (daughter of Lenny) Kravitz, Caleb Landry Jones, Rade Serbedzija, Glenn Morshower, Matt Craven, James Faulkner, Jason Beghe, Tony Curran, Oliver Platt, Alex Gonzalez, Jason Flemyng (who’s not Satan, but looks like him), Ed Gathegi, Lucas Till and Michael Ironside (and a brief cameo for Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine). Stan Lee was executive producer as usual. From the director of KICK-ASS.

X-MEN: FIRST GENERATION See: X-MEN: FIRST CLASS

X-MEN: THE LAST STAND (x-men: final decision) (2006 US UK) D: BRETT RATNER W: SIMON KINBERG/ ZAK PENN P: AVI ARAD/LAUREN SHULER DONNER/RALPH WINTER Third in a good summer FX sci-fi adventure extravaganza series based on Marvel Comics about superhero mutants and their struggle to be accepted by normal society. Patrick Stewart is their psychic teacher, and Ian McKellen is Magneto, a powerful telekinetic with magnetic powers who bands together rebel mutants to lead an assault on mankind. A new drug that can suppress mutation is what drives the plot this time, and there’s plenty of action. With regulars Hugh Jackman (as Wolverine), Halle Berry, Famke Janssen, James Marsden, Anna Paquin, Rebecca Romjin and Shawn Ashmore, plus Vinnie Jones, an unrecognisable Kelsey Grammer (painted blue), Aaron Stanford, Ben Foster, Ellen Page, Michael Murphy, Bill Duke, Josef Sommer, Daria Ramirez, Julian Richings, Ken Leung, Anthony Heald, John Pyper-Ferguson, the usual Stan Lee cameo and the voice of R. Lee Ermey. The first two movies were helmed by Bryan Singer, who handed the chores over to Ratner while he made an even higher profile superhero movie, SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006). X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE (2009) and THE WOLVERINE (2013) were not very good spin-offs that detract from the main series, which continued with X-MEN: FIRST CLASS.

X-RAY (hospital massacre; ward 13; be my valentine, or else…) (1982 US) D/W: BOAZ DAVIDSON W: MARC BEHM P: MENAHEM GOLAN/YORAM GLOBUS Playboy’s Barbi Benton (later in DEATHSTALKER) goes to a hospital for a routine check-up. The weird staff there keep shunting her from room to room, doctor to doctor, without telling her what’s wrong, and they stop her from leaving. This strange behaviour is never explained, but at least Benton has a gratuitous nude check-up scene. Meanwhile some psycho is killing orderlies, and eventually goes after Benton (the corridors always seem underlit and devoid of staff or patients). We know from the beginning that it’s some boy who Benton snubbed on Valentine’s Day years ago, all grown-up. Pretty silly time-waster from Cannon.

X: THE MAN WITH X-RAY EYES (1962 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN P: ROBERT DILLON/RAY RUSSELL One of Corman’s most interesting opens with a lone eyeball floating in a jar (cut from some prints). Then the credits roll over a kaleidoscope. Ray Milland is perfectly cast as Dr. James Xavier, who’s developed a serum that can make him see through objects (“I’m closing in on the gods”). First he sees through clothes (everyone at a party appears naked to him) and then he can see internal organs. After he accidentally kills a friend, he goes on the run and hides out as a sideshow attraction (Don Rickles is his manager!). He’s heckled by Jonathan Haze and Dick Miller! His eyes get more and more sensitive until he can see through walls and buildings and all he sees is the sun. In the incredible ending at a preacher’s tent he sees the centre of the universe, a giant eyeball watching everything! “If thine eye offend thee, pluck it out!”. With Diana Van der Vlis, Harold J. Stone, John Hoyt, Morris Ankrum, John Dierkes and Barboura Morris.

X THE UNKNOWN (1956 UK) D: LESLIE NORMAN W: JIMMY SANGSTER P: ANTHONY HINDS Thoroughly engaging b/w sci-fi chiller from Hammer about a mysterious radioactive energy-draining gloop from the inner Earth that surfaces up through a fissure in Scotland and melts humans in its path. Dean Jagger is the Quatermass-like American scientist. With Leo McKern, Anthony Newley, Edward Chapman and Michael Ripper.

XTINCTION: PREDATOR X (alligator x; killer gator) (2010 US) D: AMIR VALINIA W: CALEB MICHAELSON/ CLAIRE SANCHEZ W/P: GEORGE M. KOSTUCH/CAMERON LARSON P: MATT KEITH When her father dies, a woman returns from the city to her Louisiana home town to inherit a stretch of swampland. A doctor (Mark Sheppard) is intent on claiming it for his own. Turns out there is some kind of (poor CGI) prehistoric reptile in the water (that eats a few people). Ordinarily I would at least acknowledge someone trying something different, but this crushing bore goes such a roundabout way to no effect, I would have appreciated a simpler giant gator Creature Feature to hate. Nil points. Co-producer Lochlyn Munro (remember him?) is the sheriff.

XTRO (1982 UK) D: HARRY BROMLEY DAVENPORT W: IAIN CASTLE/ROBERT SMITH/MICHAEL PARRY P: MARK FORSTATER This is a bizarre, very effective and underrated British sci-fi/horror movie. It’s kind of hard to describe, but centres around alien abduction, an ET monster on Earth, and features a very messy, bad-taste alien birth scene. Toys also come to life in one spooky scene. Definitely worth a look, but maybe only some will appreciate it. This review refers to a version with a downbeat ending, a happy ending cut also exists. Unrelated sequels followed.

XTRO 2: THE SECOND ENCOUNTER (1990 CAN) D: HARRY BROMLEY DAVENPORT W/P: JOHN A. CURTIS W: STEVEN LISTER/ROBERT SMITH/EDWARD KOVACH P: LLOYD A. SIMANDL This sequel-inname-only is just another monster-loose-in-an-underground-complex movie. Experiments in interdimensional travel bring back a creature that bursts out of someone’s chest (how original!) and proceeds to menace the clichéd cast of scientists and military types in dark tunnels. Jan-Michael Vincent is the hero and Paul Koslo is the villain. At one point someone exclaims “we’re packing enough C4 to blow the World Trade Centre”. Simandl, Curtis and John Eyres (PROJECT: SHADOWCHASER) were executive producers for this bore. With Nicholas Lea and Rachel Hayward. Another unrelated sequel followed.

XTRO 3 (watch the skies; secret file; US military top secret) (1995 US) D/W/P: HARRY BROMLEY DAVENPORT W: DARYL HANEY P: MICHAEL BIBER A demolitions expert leads a shoddy team of soldiers to a once-lost island to disarm some weapons. Andrew Divoff is the evil captain who goes along to help cover-up the island’s secret, a spaceship that crash-landed in the 50s and dangerous chameleon aliens with extending tongues that retaliated after being experimented on. Robert Culp is the minimum screen time name star, and some might want to see it for Tom Hanks’ slightly similar-looking brother Jim. This sci-fi action movie has some nice ideas, but is pretty slow-going and the potentially great aliens are not used well enough. It has nothing to do with either of the previous XTRO films.

X2 See: X-MEN 2

XX: BEAUTIFUL WEAPON (xx: utsukushiki kyoki) (1993 JPN) D/W: “GAIRA” KAZUO KOMIZU P: SHIN OKADA/NOBUAKI MUROOKA/KEI SUGIURA Here’s the first entry in a series of films based on the writings of Arimasa Oosawa, which feature women in strong, important roles. Kunio Murai is a hitman boss for kingpin Takeshi Kato. Masumi Miyazaki (from the BE-BOP HIGHSCHOOL tv series) is a blind hitwoman who bumps off other hitmen when they are no longer useful. Masao Kusakari is one such hitman marked for execution, but falls in love with Miyazaki. It’s ok, but don’t expect too much. Komizu fared better with the likes of ENTRAILS OF A VIRGIN.

X,Y,Z MURDERS See: CRIMEWAVE

YAGYU CLAN CONSPIRACY (shogun’s samurai; intrigue of the yagyu clan; yagyu ichizoku no inbo) (1978 JPN) D/W: KINJI FUKASAKU W: HIRO MATSUDA/ TATSUO NOGAMI After the head shogun’s death is found to be the result of poisoning, a power struggle develops between the two competing possible heir princes (Hiroki Matsukata and Teruhiko Saigo), and the title villagers in 18th century Japan. This is a good historical action movie that’s well made and never boring, but personally didn’t get me all that excited. Some viewers may enjoy it much more. With Sonny Chiba, Hiroyuki Sanada, Etsuko Shihomi (one of several films the three starred in together), Kinnosuke Yorozuya Nakamura, Tetsuro Tamba, Isuzu Yamada, Toshiro Mifune, Etsushi Takahashi, Yoshio Harada and Reiko Ohara.

YAGYU GAIDEN KUNOICHI NINPOU CHO: EDO HANA JIGOKU HEN (kunoichi lady ninja) (1997 JPN) D/W: HITOSHI OZAWA W: JUNICHI INOUE P: YOSHIMI ARAI/TETSUJI MAYASHI This kind of prequel to the cult favourite FEMALE NINJAS: MAGIC CHRONICLES series has enough magic, action and LONE WOLF AND CUB-style blood geysers to entertain most people during its 70 mins or so running time. Ozawa (a famous actor in Japan) turns in a performance here, alongside Yuko Moriyama and sneering blonde-haired psycho Tomoroh Taguchi (in a role essential for Taguchi fans). It’s officially based on a book called YOGYU NINPOU CHO by Futaro Yamada. try to see the very cool original Japanese trailer for it. I think there is a sequel also.

YAJU O KESE (savage wolf pack) (1969 JPN) D: YASUHARU HASEBE W: SHUICHI NAGAHARA/RIUZO NAKANISHI P: ASAJIRO HASEGAWA Tetsuya Watari is a hunter who returns home from a spell in Alaska to find his younger sister has committed suicide after she was raped by a vicious biker gang. He helps out Mieko Fujimoto who’s having trouble with the same gang and gets revenge in this entertaining, violent action movie from Nikkatsu. With Tatsuya Fuji, Isao Bitto (who sings the great theme tune Wild Cry) and a Japanese actor playing an American character (he just says yes and no in English). I didn’t realise he was supposed to be foreign until my wife pointed it out. The title translates as “Kill The Beast”. From the talented director of ALLEYCAT ROCK movies and ASSAULT! JACK THE RIPPER.

THE YAKUZA (brotherhood of the yakuza) (1975 US) D/P: SYDNEY POLLACK W: PAUL SCHRADER/ ROBERT TOWNE/LEONARD SCHRADER Robert Mitchum returns to Japan for the first time since the war to help convince a gangster (Eiji Okada) to return the kidnapped daughter of a friend (Brian Keith). Richard Jordan is his young accomplice, Keiko Kishi is an old flame and Ken Takakura her “brother” indebted to Mitchum who helps battle the yakuza. I understand that this film may be somewhat uneventful and boring for long-time fans of Japanese yakuza movies (as it would have been for Japanese audiences when first released), but it is actually a good and surprisingly respectful American production that introduces this alien world to foreign viewers. It’s a shame that not much has really built on this in the last thirty years. With James Shigeta and Herb Edelman. It was Paul Schrader’s first screenplay that ended up on-screen. Pollack made THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR next.

YAKUZA DEKA 2: THE ASSASSIN (the assassin; yakuza deka: marihuana mitsubai soshiki) (1970 JPN) D/W: YUKIO NODA W: FUMIO KONAMI P: KENJI TAKAMURA/HIROSHI OODA This pretty goofy movie has little to do with the original. Sonny Chiba is an undercover cop out to bust marijuana smugglers (whose ship is called Nippon Reefer!). He’s first seen wearing an outrageous (and bulletproof!) all-black leather outfit (complete with big floppy hat). Typically episodic of its type, with violence, dumb (often surreal) comedy, stereotyped foreigners (including yellowface Chinese) and even a trippy club/orgy scene after Sonny smokes a joint. A rock band called The Scorpions play at a club but are overdubbed with utterly inappropriate jazz (at least in the original English-dubbed print that lacked dubbing for some sequences, it’s now properly on dvd). With Jiro Chiba, Ryohei Uchida, Nanji Kobayashi, Fumio Watanabe and pro werstler Giant Baba.

THE YAKUZA HORROR THEATRE: GOZU See: GOZU

THE YAKUZA PAPERS (battles without honor and humanity; tarnished code of yakuza; war without a code; jingi naki tatakai) (1973 JPN) D: KINJI FUKASAKU W: KAZUO KASAHARA/KOICHI IBOSHI Bunta Sagawara stars in the first of an incredibly popular nine-part gangster movie series. Like many Fukasaku films it’s tough, gritty and starts in American-occupied postwar Tokyo. Good stuff, I hope to see more entries soon. With Hiroki Matsutaka, Tatsuo Umemiya, Tsunehiko Watase, Nabuo Kaneko, Goro Ibuki and Kienie Tanaka. The finger slicing scene is very funny.

YAKUZA PUNISHMENT: LYNCH See: THE YAKUZA’S LAW: LYNCHING

THE YAKUZA’S LAW: LYNCHING (yakuza punishment: lynch; yakuza keibatsu shi: lynch — shikei! (1973 JPN) D/W: TERUO ISHII W: MASAHIRO KAKEFUDA The last of eight Ishii hits loosely connected into a series by themes of torture (see TOKUGAWA: WOMEN GENEALOGY review for the first entry). Also the only one to not revolve around the sexual torture of women. Three stories from different time periods (Tokugawa, Meiji and modern-day) concern the punishment of gangsters who break major rules of conduct. The final 70s segment is the best, most violent and Ishii in his campy element. With death by being dragged behind a helicopter (!), junkyard compactor and hot tub filled with cement. The cast includes Bunta Sugawara, Renji Ishibashi, Ryutaro Otomo, Minoru Ooki, Ichiro Sugai and Hisaya Ito. A thrown-together programmer for sure, but quite an enjoyable one overall.

YAMATO TAKERU (takeru yamato; orochi: the eight-headed dragon) (1994 JPN) D: TAKAO OHGAWARA W: ATARU MIMURA P: TOSHIHIRO OGAWA Twins born of a royal family are a bad omen so one is thrown over a cliff. A golden mechanical phoenix rescues the child and takes it to Nobuko Miyamoto, who raises the child of the gods despite the Emperor’s disapproval in this good period fantasy from Toho. The baby grows up to be brave warrior Masahiro Takashima, who must fight evil forces. Some great FX moments involve a cool rock demon and a King Ghidorah-like fire-breathing eight-headed dragon. Takashima transforms into a big mechanical samurai with wings and a sword to defeat it! With Akaji Maro, Yasuko Sawaguchi, Saburo Shinoda, Bengal, Hiroshi Fujioka, Yuki Meguro, Hiroshi Abe (he turns into the dragon) and laser-eye battles. The same story (based on popular Japanese mythology) was filmed in 1959 as THE BIRTH OF JAPAN. Ohgawara helmed several entries in the 90s Godzilla revival series.

YANUERA NO NAGAI KAMI (2001 JPN) D/W: RYUTA MIYAKE P: SEIJI MIAKE/MASARU MIYAZAKI The producers of THE HANGING BALLOON also backed two other short horror films based on the writings of manga author Junji Itto to include on the videotape, creating a sort of anthology. They were AKUMA NO RIRON and this (the title translates as “Attic of Long Hair”). Comedian Masaki Kitahara plays a heel who fucks around on his long-haired girlfriend and borrows lots of money from her which he never pays back. When he dumps her she commits suicide. Clumps of her hair turn up in his house, and it ends with him discovering her severed head hanging in his attic. It’s not very good (and runs about 30 mins).

YEAR OF THE DRAGON (1985 US) D/W: MICHAEL CIMINO W: OLIVER STONE P: DINO DE LAURENTIIS Polish New York City detective (and ’nam vet) Mickey Rourke is the new District Chief of Chinatown. No one believes him that Chinese triads are trying to take over Italian areas and he pisses everyone off by destroying the corrupt harmony to get at drug-dealers (primarily John Lone). He neglects his nice wife and shacks up with a Chinese-American tv reporter (Ariane). Stone’s script (based on Robert Daley’s novel) is kept under control by Cimino so it doesn’t get too preachy, and has lots of interesting points to make. There are some really good, violent action set pieces too. And yes, those are very convincing sets, not NYC. Shame about the glib ending. With Raymond J. Barry, Jack Kehler and Fan Mei Sheng. It’s 135 mins or so long.

YEAR 2889 See: IN THE YEAR 2889

YELLOWBEARD (cheech and chong: yellow pirates) (1983 UK US) D: MEL DAMSKI W: GRAHAM CHAPMAN/ PETER COOK/BERNARD McKENNA/DAVI SHERLOCK P: CARTER DeHAVEN No one much liked this silly pirate comedy when it was released, but it’s a little easier to watch with age. Chapman is 17th century pirate Yellowbeard who breaks out of prison to get his hidden treasure. The map to the location of the treasure is tattooed on his son’s head. Peter Boyle (with a hook hand) and Marty Feldman (who died during production) are rival pirates trying to get the gold before he does. The best parts of this hit (rarely) and miss (often) comedy involve Peter Cook (who’s always funny just to look at) and John Cleese as Blind Pew (oh, and when Chapman says “I haven’t got any fruit in my loins!”). With Cheech and Chong (briefly), Michael Horden, Eric Idle, Madeline Kahn, James Mason, Kenneth Mars, Spike Milligan, Susannah York, David Bowie (very bad in a walk-on), Beryl Reid, Nigel Planer, Ferdy Mayne, Peter Bull and Ronald Lacey. It was Chapman’s final film role. He died of AIDS in 1989, the 20th anniversary of the first transmission of Monty Python. I didn’t make up that peculiar aka, it was screened on Japanese tv under that title.

YELLOW FACED TIGER See: SLAUGHTER IN SAN FRANCISCO

YELLOW HAIR AND THE FORTRESS OF GOLD (yellow hair and the pecos kid) (1984 US SPN) D/W: “MATT CIMBER” (MATTEO OTTAVIANO) W: JOHN KERSHAW P: JOHN GHAFFARI/DIEGO GOMEZ SEMPERE Laurene Landon stars as a half-breed Apache looking for Aztec gold in this lousy adventure movie. The villains are Mexican military types and Aztec warriors who throw styrofoam rocks and dip people in a magical pool of molten gold. With Ghaffari as Shayowteewah, Claudia Gravy as Landon’s mother, Aldo Sambrell, Eduardo Fajardo, Frank Brana and FRANKENSTEIN’S CASTLE OF FREAKS director Ramiro Oliveros. It was filmed back to back in Spain with the awful HUNDRA (also starring Landon). If you really have no life, you could have a competition to see which one sends you to sleep first.

THE YELLOW SEA (the murderer; hwanghae) (2010 S.KOR) D/W: NA HONG-JIN P: HAN SUNG-GOO A down-on-his-luck debt-ridden taxi driver (Ha Jeongwoo) in Yabian (a forgotten no man’s land bordered by North Korea, China and Russia) is made an offer by gangster Kim Yoon-seok to clear his debts by travelling to South Korea (in the most horrible, degrading way that illegal immigrants suffer the world over on a daily basis) and killing someone (bringing back the thumb as evidence). While there, Ha also hopes to find out what happened to his (treacherous?) wife who left to work but disappeared. Need I mention that things go wrong, and a monumental shit storm escalates? Viewers worried that director Na had peaked with his amazing debut CHASER (starring the same two leads) can rest assured that this paints violent tragedy on a bigger canvas, and includes some breathtaking action and thrills. Not for the squeamish. And don’t forget that wicked streak of blacker-thanblack comedy. Highly recommended. With Jo Seongha. I saw the 156 mins theatrical cut, but a shorter (140) director’s cut is available.

YELLOW SKY (1948 US) D: WILLIAM A. WELLMAN W/P: LAMAR TROTTI The Tempest as a western (officially based on a novel by W.R. Burnett). Gregory Peck leads a bunch of outlaws who rob a bank, and must make their escape over a wide stretch of harsh desert. They eventually arrive at a small ghost town where Anne Baxter and her grampa have found gold. As well made as you’d expect from Wellman and the acting is fine, but awfully slow, long and lacking any real drive. With Richard Widmark as the main troublemaker, John Russell, Harry Morgan, William Gould, Paul Hurst, Victor Kilian, Hank Worden and Chief Yowlachie. Filmed in Death Valley. In b/w. Remade as THE JACKALS (1967).

YELLOW SUBMARINE (1968 UK ANIMATED) D: GEORGE DUNNING W/P: AL BRODAX W: LEE MINOF/ERICH SEGAL/JACK MENDELSOHN/ROGER McGOUGH (uncredited) This irritating, dated musical animation rips off Peter Max and serves as a showcase for the overrated Beatles at their lamest. They didn’t provide their own voices, but turn up at the end looking like idiots. There was an unrelated Beatles cartoon tv series around the same time.

YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY (ice man; yeti, il gigante del 20. secola) (1977 ITL) D/W: “FRANK KRAMER” (GIANFRANCO PAROLINI) W: MARIO DINARDO/MARCELLO COSCIA P: NICOLO POMILIA/WOLFRANCO COCCIA A huge frozen Yeti is discovered in the wastes of Northern Canada. When thawed out it resembles a giant shaggyhaired hippy with body fur (whose size is inconsistent). He befriends a young woman, her little brother and his dog, but reporters’ flashbulbs cause him to go on a rampage and bust through styrofoam walls in Toronto. I assume it was inspired by the 1976 KING KONG remake. It’s full of good laughs for bad movie connoisseurs. With Tony Kendall, Donald O’Brien (at the end as a cop), a guy strangled to death between the monster’s toes (!) and Massey Ferguson product placement. The theme song The Yeti is sung by The Yetians. An Indian remake was AJOOBA KUBRAT KAA (1991).

YOG: MONSTER FROM SPACE (yog: the space amoeba; gezora-ganime-kameba: kessen! nankai no daikaiju) (1970 JPN) D: ISHIRO HONDA W: EI OGAWA P: TOMOYUKI TANAKA Honda’s penultimate feature as director is a lesser kaiju eiga entry. A space virus attaches itself to a rocket (like X FROM OUTER SPACE) and it crash-lands in the sea. This results in a giant mutated squid, crab and turtle (kind of like a smaller Gamera). I liked the squid, but the rest are pretty boring. With Akira Kubo, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Kenji Sahara (all in MATANGO and other Honda features), Yu Fujiki, Sachio Sakai, Tetsu Nakamura and Haruo Nakajima. Honda would direct for Toho once more (TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA) and then formed a production company with Akira Kurosawa.

YOJIMBO (the bodyguard) (1961 JPN) D/W/P: AKIRA KUROSAWA W: RYUZO KIKUSHIMA This influential masterpiece stars Toshiro Mifune as a lone wandering samurai who gets caught in a war between two gangs when he arrives in a small miserable town. He plays them off against each other, right through to the superb tragicomic ending. Everything is first-class, including Kazuo Miyagawa’s b/w cinematography (he also shot RASHOMON), Yoshiro Muraki’s set design, the score from Masaru Sato and Kurosawa’s editing. Tatsuya Nakadai co-stars as a man with a gun. The rest of the cast is filled with those amazing faces Kurosawa liked so much. One of the handful of movies everyone should see. A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS was the first major movie to copy it, countless others followed and Walter Hill’s LAST MAN STANDING “officially” reused the script. YOJIMBO itself was possibly influenced by Dashiell Hammett’s novels Red Harvest (1929) and The Glass Key (1931), or THE GLASS KEY movie adaptations. With Yoko Tsukasa, Isuzu Yamada, Dauske Kato, Seizaburo Kawazu, Takashi Shimura, Hiroshi Tashikawa, Yosuke Natsuki, Eijiro Tono, Kamatari Fujiwara, Ikio Sawamura, Susumu Fujita, Ko Nishimura, Takeshi Kato, Ichiro Nakaya, Sachio Sakai, Akira Tani, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Gen Shimizu, Yutaka Sada, Shoichi Hirose, Senkichi Moura and Nadao Kirino. Mifune’s character returned in the excellent SANJURO the following year.

YOKAI MONSTERS: ALONG WITH GHOSTS (tokaido obake dochu) (1969 JPN) D: KIMIYOSHI YASUDA/YOSHIYUKI KURODA W: TETSURO YOSHIDA/ SHOZABURO ASAI P: HIROSHI OZAWA In 1968, Daiei released HUNDRED MONSTERS, a fantasy hit filled with weird and wonderful monsters and demons straight out of Japanese folklore. Yasuda directed. FX veteran Kuroda helmed the better, goofier sequel BIG MONSTER WAR the same year. Both men are credited with directing the third entry, which offers a change of pace. Monsters do not dominate this one. A little girl searches for her lost father on the road to Tokaido. A slightly older boy (Pepe Hozumi) helps her, as does Kojiro Hongo. Villains are after her for an incriminating document she picked up. The demons (their ranks noticeably missing the more cartoonish and memorable creatures, like the famous hopping parasol monster) come to her aid, and scare off the bad guys. There are trees with clawed hand branches, dice made from human bones and flying hag heads. It’s a step down from the spectacle that was BIG MONSTER WAR, but still an enjoyable kids’ movie. With Bokuzen Hidari.

YOKAI TENGOKU (1986 JPN) D/W/P: MAKOTO TADZUKA W: YOSHIO URASAWA P: MICHI OYAMADA/ YOSHITOSHI MARUYAMA If you love movies based on old Japanese monster legends you might appreciate this short (50 mins) straight-to-video Edo period anthology. Three tales of terror (!) are told to a samurai by a witch whom he is about to decapitate. The first one is the old creature from the pond (Kappa) story. The second is very short and made to look like an early silent movie (I think it’s supposed to be funny) and the third (and weirdest) has two murdering cops die from laughing at a stupid-looking puppet monster. Then the wraparound (that features lots of creatures you may be familiar with from films like HUNDRED MONSTERS and BIG MONSTER WAR) explains how the whole thing has been viewed through a samurai sword that a modern-day astronaut has found on a desolate planet (Earth?). This interesting but ultimately lame effort has a surprising amount of famous people. Naoko Amihama, Masatake Ebuki (part of acting troupe Super Eccentric Show that can be heard on Y.M.O. albums), Isamu Ichikawa, Hideo Yamamoto and three manga writers, Kazuo Omezu, Shigeru Mizuki and Osamu Tadzuka (whose son directed) are all here.

YONGARY, MONSTER FROM THE DEEP (taekoesu yongarry) (1967 S.KOR JPN) D: KIM KI-DUK W: SEO YUN-SUNG P: CHA TAE-JUN During some kind of rocket launch, an earthquake is detected, its epicentre heading in a straight line towards the centre of Korea. A Godzilla clone (with a horn) emerges from the ground, breathes fire, stomps the city, drinks from an oil refinery, and does a bit of a dance to some instrumental surf guitar! A scientist and his fiancée’s little pest of a kid are the heroes. It’s a passable kids’ monster movie, exactly what you might expect. The production company (Kuk Dong) later backed A*P*E! Co-producer Toei provided FX. With Yeong-il Oh, Jeong-im Nam and Sun-jae Lee. The director appears to have been quite prolific, directing close to seventy features across the 60s and 70s. REPTILIAN was a later “Yongary” movie.

YORKSHIRE KILLER See: RED RIDING (series)

YOR: THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE (il mondo del yor; yor, le chasseur da futur) (1982 ITL TUR FRA) D/W: “ANTHONY M. DAWSON” (ANTONIO MARGHERITI) W: ROBERT BAILEY P: MICHAEL MARSALA Reb Brown is Yor, a loinclothed musclehead who leads some tribe to victory against an evil John Steiner and his henchmen with laser guns and a spaceship. Ape men, dinosaurs and a giant bat (“the beast of the night”) are also problems. I enjoyed this very silly fantasy based on a book by Roy Collins and Juan Zanotto in its condensed feature version, but would probably be less amused if I had to sit through the whole original four-hour tv miniseries. With Corinne Clery, “Alan Collins” (Luciano Pigozzi) and Nello Pazzafini.

YOSHIWARA: THE PLEASURE DISTRICT See: KILLING IN YOSHIWARA

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT See: CHRISTMAS EVIL

YOUNG AND INNOCENT (the girl was young) (1937 UK) D: ALFRED HITCHCOCK W: CHARLES BENNETT/ ALMA REVILLE P: EDWARD BLACK Derrick De Marney discovers a dead body on the moors in Cornwall, and becomes the police’s main suspect. He goes on the run with the chief constable’s daughter (Nova Pilbeam) to try to clear his name. It’s a very good, typical early b/w Hitchcock chase thriller with a great ending involving a blackface band. With Percy Marmont, Edward Rigby, Mary Clare, John Longden, George Merritt, H.F. Maltby, Frank Atkinson, Syd Crossley, Frederick Piper, Torin Thatcher, Beatrice Varley and Humberston Wright. It’s based on a novel by Josephine Tey.

THE YOUNG AND THE IMMORAL See: THE SINISTER URGE

YOUNG AND WET See: WET AND WILD

THE YOUNG ANIMALS See: BORN WILD

YOUNG DEAFULA See: DEAFULA

YOUNG DRACULA See: BLOOD FOR DRACULA

YOUNG EINSTEIN (1989 AUSL) D/W/P: “YAHOO SERIOUS” (GREG PEAD) W/P: DAVID ROACH P: WARWICK ROSS Spiky-haired Serious (who was kind of famous for a short while outside of his native Australia, where he’s a star) is Einstein (from Tasmania). He splits the atom with a hacksaw and invents rock’n’roll in this silly, energetic comedy that may amuse you if you’re in the mood. Serious’ reallife wife plays love interest Marie Curie. Originally released in 86, it was drastically reshot and edited. With Jonathan Coleman and Georgie Parker. Serious was also in RECKLESS KELLY (1993).

YOUNG GIRLS’ HOLDING CELL (seifuku kanbetsusho) (1982 JPN) D: YOSHIHIRO KAWASAKI W: TAKUYA NIHIOKA P: ISAO HAYASHI A couple of high school girls (one is Jun Miho) act ditzy, steal cash from a parked car and piss openly off a bridge before realising it’s time to go to school. They turn up in their regular street clothes as part of some rebellion, but are soon forced into uniforms, and join the other girls locked in cells. A bitchy female teacher and her gym instructor goons beat them on the arse with bamboo canes, and force them to play topless dodgeball in just their panties. These scenes run during the opening credits, and are unfortunately the best part of this dismal Nikkatsu sex comedy. There are a number of subplots, including masked rapists who send out explicit photos of their victims getting plugged. At one point three girls are gang-raped by thugs, and it’s played for comic effect. But the main gag at the end is that the handsome school photographer Yamada-kun gets a dick up his arse courtesy of an infatuated homosexual teacher while he’s shagging a girl. A final coda shows all the girls are pregnant. Big laughs, huh? It’s not sexy either, a sex scene dominated by a looming, prominent poster of Mick Jagger’s face (!) in the background being a good example of how not to turn on your audience.

YOUNG GUNS (1988 US) D/P: CHRISTOPHER CAIN W: JOHN FUSCO P: JAMES G. ROBINSON This teenappeal western was a huge hit but is only mediocre. Emilio Estevez is the main star as Billy the Kid, the others are Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen, Lou Diamond Phillips, Dermot Mulroney and Casey Siezmasko. Terence Stamp is the rancher who hires them to kill Jack Palance. With Terry O’Quinn, Brian Keith, Patrick Waynes, Cody Palance and Tom Cruise. A less violent sequel followed, and MOBSTERS and THE THREE MUSKETEERS were in the same vein.

THE YOUNG HELLIONS See: HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL

YOUNG HERCULES (1998 US) D: T.J. SCOTT W: ANDREW DETTMANN/ROBERT G. TAPERT/DANIEL TRULY P: LIZ FRIEDMAN/ERIC GRUENDEMANN This follows the series of mid-90s HERCULES tv movies and popular tv series. Ian Bohen is the cocky, wisecracking son of Zeus out on a mission to get the Golden Fleece and save the kingdom. Dean O’Gorman and Chris Conrad are his sidekicks. Pretty irritating tv fodder with an awful computer FX snake monster, a Pegasus-like man, a giant and a drug trip scene. With Kevin Smith (not the director), Meighan Desmond, Nathaniel Lees, Rachel Blakely and Michael Hurst. Sam Raimi and Tapert were executive producers. Another tv series followed.

YOUNG HERO See: THE BAREFOOT KID

YOUNG HERO OF THE SHAOLIN 2 See: IRON MAN (1973)

THE YOUNG MASTER (bye dai chut ma; shi di chu ma) (1980 HK) D: JACKIE CHAN W: LAU TIU-CHAI/ EDWARD TANG P: LEONARD K.C. HO Chan is an orphan who must fight his brother from the wrong side of the tracks in his second film as director (after THE FEARLESS HYENA) and first for Golden Harvest. It’s got some great kung fu and not too much of the comedy that he’s famous for ruining his later pictures with. The strangest part has him scaring a gold-fish out of its bowl. With Yuen Biao, Lili Li Li-Li, Tin Fung, Sai Gwa Paau, Lee Hoi Sang, Tai Bo, Sek King, Fan Mei Sheng, To Siu Ming, Yue tau Wan, Johnny Cheung Wa, Tsang Choh Lam, Fung Fung and Blacky Ko. Chan and Fung Hak On choreographed. One of his best.

YOUNG POISONER’S HANDBOOK (1995 UK FRA GER) D/W: BENJAMIN ROSS W: JEFF RAWLE P: SAM TAYLOR Absorbing look at a young man (Hugh O’Connor)’s obsession with chemicals and poisons that always leads back to murder. O’Connor is excellent as the cold, calculated yet likeable young scientist utterly isolated from his drab kitchen-sink existence. The cartoonish elements are used far more successfully than in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, a film it’s often (badly) compared to. Comical, disturbing, poignant and very slick, it’s well worth a look. With Charlotte Coleman, Roger Lloyd-Pack, Ruth Sheen, Charlie Creed-Miles (NIL BY MOUTH) and John Thomson. Amazingly, it’s based on a true story!

THE YOUNG RACERS (1963 US) D/P: ROGER CORMAN W: R. WRIGHT CAMPBELL Corman made this one in France, Belgium, Monaco and England (while on “vacation” apparently). William Campbell is a cocky, womanising racing champion on top at the Grand Prix. When he uses and then throws away Mark Damon’s fiancée, the vengeful ex-racer befriends Campbell with the intention of writing an exposé, a character-assassinating novel. However, the two end up getting surprisingly close in this good racing drama. Well-written by Campbell’s real-life brother (who also appears as his brother in the film), professionally paced by the ever reliable Corman and Floyd Crosby’s photography is top-notch. Add to that a likeable turn by Luana Anders as Damon’s secretary and Patrick Magee as a devious, pompous self-proclaimed “modern renaissance man” and “critic of life” and you’ve got an entertaining little flick. With music by Les Baxter and note Menahem Golan’s name on the credits as property master. Also on-board (as sound man and bit-part performer) was Francis (Ford) Coppola. He had written a script for Corman, but Corman had to go back to the US to shoot THE RAVEN. So he let Coppola take Campbell, Anders and Magee to Ireland and DEMENTIA 13 was made.

YOUNG SCARFACE See: BRIGHTON ROCK

YOUNG SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE PYRAMID OF FEAR (pyramid of fear) (1985 US UK) D: BARRY LEVINSON W: CHRIS COLOMBUS P: MARK JOHNSON/HENRY WINKLER Nicholas Rowe is the kid Holmes and Alan Cox (Brian Cox’s son) is the kid Watson at boarding school together circa 1870. They investigate a religious cult that causes heart attacks in people by slipping them strong hallucinogens. With Freddie Jones, Michael Horden, Anthony Higgins, Roger Ashton-Griffiths and Brian Oulton. Steven Spielberg and Frank Marshall were executive producers of this typical big-budget ILM FX movie, a kind of precursor to the HARRY POTTER films.

THE YOUNG STRANGER (1957 US) D: JOHN FRANKENHEIMER W: ROBERT DOZIER P: STUART MILLER James MacArthur is a teenager who turns to crime after he’s neglected by his rich dad in this ok juvenile delinquent movie. Frankenheimer had already directed the story for tv with MacArthur, but this was their feature debut. With Kim Hunter, James Gregory, Whit Bissell, Byron Foulger, Edith Evanson and Marian Seldes.

THE YOUNG, THE EVIL, AND THE SAVAGE (schoolgirl killer; sette vergini per il diavolo; nude… si muore) (1967 ITL) D/W: “ANTHONY DAWSON” (ANTONIO MARGHERITI) W: FRANCO BOTTARI/ GIOVANNI SIMONELLI P: GIUSEPPE DE BLASIO Girls at a boarding school are being killed off in this murder mystery. Michael Rennie investigates and Mark Damon is a suspect. Not that bad, not that good, but worth noting that it probably influenced several other “gialli” with the same location for murder. With Luciano Pigozzi, Malisa Longo and Valentino Macchi. I quite liked hearing the opening theme tune Nightmare. Apparently Mario Bava came up with the original story for this Woolner Bros production.

YOUNG TIGER’S REVENGE See: SHAOLIN WOODEN MEN

YOUNG WARRIORS (the graduates of malibu high) (1983 US CAN) D/W: LAWRENCE D. FOLDES W: RUSSELL W. COLGIN P: VICTORIA PAGE MEYERINK James Van Patten is a childish frat house playboy who gets serious after his younger sister and her prom date are run off the road by a gang that proceeds to rape her to death. He and his friends load up on artillery and become a dangerous gang of vigilantes. Cannon’s follow up to MALIBU HIGH is more full-throttle exploitation, but less engaging and enjoyable. With Ernest Borgnine, Richard Roundtree, Lynda Day George, Nels Van Patten, Linnea Quigley, Anne Lockhart, Dick Shawn and Mike Norris. A country and western band sings “drinking beer, kicking butt”. Ted Nicolaou was the editor, and it’s dedicated to King Vidor (!). Foldes also made DON’T GO NEAR THE PARK.

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE (1937 US) D: FRITZ LANG W: C. GRAHAM BAKER/GENE TOWNE Henry Fonda is wrongly convicted of murder, escapes from prison and becomes a wanted man in this early American classic from Lang (his second US feature). It’s also the first movie to be (loosely) based on Bonnie and Clyde (Sylvia Sidney being Fonda’s Bonnie). The strange prison set was later copied in THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (less effectively). With Barton MacLane, Ward Bond, Margaret Hamilton, William Gargon, Jonathan Hale, Jerome Cowan, Jack Carson, Warren Hymer, Guinn Williams, John Wray, Hooper Atchley, Stanley Blystone, Wade Boteler, Don Brodie, Al Bridge, Raymond Brown, Jack Cheatham, Russ Clark, David Clyde, Harry Cording, Edgar Dearing, Dick Elliott, James Flavin, Frank Hagney, Ben Hall, Al Hill, Oscar Hendrion, Herbert Heywood, Ethan Laidlau, William Ruhl, Monte Vondegrift, Max Wagner, Fred Warren, Lillian West, Charles C. Wilson, Wally Maker, Ted Oliver, Lee Phelps, William Pawley, James Pierce, Lon Poff, Stanley Price, the voice of Frank Mills and great, moody b/w photography from Leon Shamroy.

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967 UK) D: LEWIS GILBERT W: ROALD DAHL P: HARRY SALTZMAN/ALBERT R. BROCCOLI Good Bond adventure (mostly set in Japan) has Sean Connery against SPECTRE, who are trying to start a world war between the US and Russia. Donald Pleasence is the cat-stroking, piranha-owning Blofeld, and the precredit sequence in space is one of the best. But my favourite part is the helicopter with a large magnet. Tetsuro Tamba is the contact in Japan. With Mie Hama, Karin Dor, Bernard Lee, Lois Maxwell, Desmond Llewelyn, Charles Gray, Burt Kwouk, Ed Bishop, Robert Hutton, Alexander Knox, Edward Mulhare and Shane Rimmer.

YOU’RE A BIG BOY NOW (1966 US) D/W: FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA P: PHIL FELDMAN Peter Kastner stars as a 19-year-old roller skating library assistant working for his father (Rip Torn) in New York City. Torn and mother Geraldine Page let Kastner have his own (paid for) place in the city (Julie Harris is the landlady) as long as he doesn’t mess around with girls. But the horny, confused Kastner is besotted with a knockout actress/dancer while pretty much ignoring the affections of nice Karen Black. This light counterculture comedy from Coppola would be annoying if you tried to take some message from it (just a spoilt rich kid pissed off at his overbearing parents), but as a relic of its time it’s just fine, and pretty entertaining. With Michael Dunn in an off-Broadway play, Tony Bill (director of FIVE CORNERS), Dolph Sweet, lots of good location work, a look at a pre-hardcore nudieloop joint and clips from DEMENTIA 13 and PIT AND THE PENDLUM during a great club scene with organled rock and film projections in negative. It’s based on a novel by David Benedictus.

YOU’RE GONNA MISS ME (2005 US) D/P: KEVEN McALESTER P: ADRIENNE GRUBEN Extraordinary and insightful documentary look at Austin, Texas, musical legend Roky Erickson, former lead singer for 60s psych gurus The 13th Floor Elevators (and later The Aliens), and his somewhat fractured family (frustrated artist mother, distant father and four brothers). There is in fact somewhat less about the music than there is about the tragic singer-songwriter’s history of mental illness (and incarceration), and his siblings’ struggle to get him proper care. Extremely intimate without being intrusive, it’s genuinely touching and non-exploitative, when it could have been so easily turned into a freak show. Tv (Dick Clark!), live show and home movie footage over the years help to weave the story. Other secrets of this must-see for Erickson/Elevators fans should be experienced first-hand. Highly recommended. Interviewees include Billy Gibbons, Patti Smith, Kurt Loder, Thurston Moore, Byron Coley, Gregg Turner (from Angry Samoans), Gibby Haynes, Elevators drummer John Ike Walton, former wives and lovers, and even a former Austin police captain.

YOUR FAMILY (1948 US) Little boy Tony learns that helping mom prepare supper is fun and speeds up the night’s events so he can watch home movies on the projector. Eleven b/w mins from Coronet Instructional Films. Enjoyable, particularly the light conversation at supper scene.

YOUR THRIFT HABITS (1948 US) A teen cuts back on those expensive multitopping ice cream sodas and a few of life’s luxuries so he can afford to buy a camera. A graph helps him stay on track, but a class mixer and a football game could throw him off schedule in this fun 11 mins b/w classroom education film.

YOU’VE GOT A CALL See: ONE MISSED CALL

Y2K (terminal countdown) (1999 US) D/P: RICHARD PEPIN W: TERRY CUNNINGHAM/MICK DALRYMPLE P: JOSEPH MERHI/MICHAEL DERBAS/CHRIS O’DONNELL Remember when people were worried about the millennium bug? Here’s one of a few immediately dated exploitation movies on the subject. Louis Gossett Jr. is top-billed, as a commando team and comic relief computer hacker enter the jungles of South America to disarm a forgotten Cold War missile silo whose launch codes have been tripped by the Y2K bug. It’s not very exciting and copies the Dolph Lundgren vehicle THE PEACEKEEPER. With Ed O’Ross, Malcolm McDowell, Jaimz Woolvett, Ken Camroux, April Telek and Rachel Hayward.

YUMEJI (1991 JPN) D: SEIJUN SUZUKI W: YOZO TANAKA P: GENJIRO ARATO A decade after KAGERO-ZA, Suzuki completes his surreal Taisho era (early decades of the 20th century) trilogy that began with ZIGEUNERWEISEN. Kenji Sawada stars as the title artist, a real-life icon of Japanese art who specialised in nude female forms. Of course if you’re looking to be informed on his life and work then forget it, it’s another rambling and self-indulgent ode to the sublime, less hypnotic and captivating that its predecessors, but still an arresting and rewarding work, quite unlike anything else I can think of. With Masumi Miyazaki, Riona Hirota, Kazuhiko Hasegawa, Akaji Maro, Kimiko Yo, Yoshio Harada and Tamasaburo Bando. The entire trilogy comes highly recommended.

ZAAT (dr.z.; hydra; attack of the swamp creatures; the legend of the zaat monster; blood waters of dr. z) (1971 US) D/W/P: “DON BARTON” (ARNOLD STEVENS) W: RON KIVETT/LEE O. LAREW A mad scientist (who narrates) turns himself into a walking catfish monster (not accidentally, that was the point of the experiment) who drinks blood and looks for a mate in this ridiculous shot-in-Florida wonder. Comes complete with hippy singalong scene. This is the kind of hypnotic bad movie classic you can’t imagine anywhere other than entertaining fatigued insomniacs on late-night tv. I never thought I would see a dvd, but lo and behold…

ZACHARIAH (1971 US) D/P: GEORGE ENGLUND W: JOE MASSOT/THE FIRESIGN THEATRE P: LAWRENCE KUBIK In the first “electric western” John Rubinstein (son of famous pianist Arthur Rubinstein) and his blacksmith friend Don Johnson learn how to be sharpshooters and ride off in search of a gang of outlaws to join. Country Joe and the Fish are The Crackers, a small-time outfit who play some cool songs with simple, amusing lyrics. Other bands who act and perform here are The James Gang, The New York Rock Ensemble and White Lightnin’. I don’t suppose you could call this rock western with a peace and love message successful, but it does have its moments and I kinda enjoyed watching it. With Dick Van Patten, Hank Worden and producer Kubik. Although not credited, it’s based on Hermann Hesse’s novel Siddhartha. The Firesign Theatre disowned it.

ZAPPED! (1982 US) D/W: ROBERT ROSENTHAL W: BRUCE JOEL RUBIN P: JEFFREY D. APPLE Scott Baio develops telekinetic powers after an accident in the college lab one day. He uses these powers to punish the kids who bullied him (and to make girls’ bras fly off). This teen semi-sex comedy CARRIE spoof can be highly enjoyable if you’re of the right generation and in the right mood. With Heather Thomas, Scatman Crothers, Sue Ane Langdon, Rosanne Keaton, Jewel Shepard, Irwin Keyes, Eddie Deezen and LaWanda Page. It’s now considered a skeleton in the closet for GHOST screenwriter Rubin. ZAPPED AGAIN! (1990) followed.

ZARDOZ (1974 UK) D/W/P: JOHN BOORMAN In the year 2293 “brutals” roam the outlands and are hunted by “exterminators” who receive weapons from a giant floating stone head (which looks pretty cool) whom they also worship. Sean Connery is an exterminator called Z who smuggles himself aboard the stone head which transports him to the Vortex. Connery (who looks ridiculous half-naked in a red jockstrap) is studied by the bored, psychic community who age people as punishment and can’t really die (they are simply reborn). There are weird sets and mirrors everywhere and plenty of 70s dystopian atmosphere. It’s hard to believe that some people consider this mind-boggling pretentious mess a masterpiece. Charlotte Rampling co-stars and Boorman has a part. MASK UNDER MASK (2002) was a German remake. “The gun is good. The penis is bad”.

ZARKORR! THE INVADER (1996 US) D: AARON OSBORNE/MICHAEL DEAK (uncredited) W: BENJAMIN CARR P: SALLY CLARKE/KIRK EDWARD HANSEN A lizard/dragonlike monster emerges from California’s Mount Aurora and stomps everything in sight. A Newark postal worker is visited by a miniature blonde alien in human form who informs him that he’s the only one who can defeat the monster. A scientist, a cop and a really irritating computer hacker cripple, help. Cheap, cheerful but rarely enjoyable Full Moon production is only about 80 mins long and far from recommended. Albert Band was executive producer, proving that he’s still a menace.

ZATOICHI (shintaro katsu’s zatoichi; the return of zatoichi; zatoichi: darkness is his ally) (1989 JPN) D/W/P: SHINATRO KATSU W: TATSUMI ICHIYAMA/ TSUTOMU NAKAMURA P: MASANORI SANADA/ KIYOSHI TSUKAMOTO Katsu had already portrayed the blind masseur and master swordsman Zatoichi in 25 films from 1962 to 1975, and in a hit tv series. He returned to the character on his own terms for this much more gritty, authentic and bloodier retread. The main problem is that it doesn’t offer much of anything new, and the horrible rock ballad on the soundtrack. Not a terrible film by any means, just a little pointless. With Ken Ogata, Kanako Higuchi, Takanori Jinnai, “Takehiro Omura” (Katsu’s real-life son Ryuutaro Gan), Yuya Uchida, Tsurutaro Katoka, Miho Nakayama, Norihei Miki, Rikia Yasuoka. Takeshi Kitano became ZATOICHI next in 2003.

ZATOICHI (2003 JPN) D/W: TAKESHI KITANO P: MASAYUKI MORI/TSUNEHISE SAITO Kitano wisely decided not to even attempt to better Shintaro Katsu and made the legendary blind masseur and sword fighter his own, a more mischievous and quiet anti-hero (with bleached blond hair). Tadanobu Asano co-stars in a role that makes this a semi-remake of ZATOICHI MEETS YOJIMBO. Being such a fan of the original series I found myself genuinely impressed at the deliberately paced, cumulative effect that this highly entertaining semi-musical uses to take the concept into highly original territory. Purists may not appreciate the unlikely but fitting soundtrack, the tap-dancing big production number or the wild surprise ending. But I for one applaud Kitano for having the savvy and the talent to pull it off. As usual he also edited, and as usual his sense of timing is spot on. With Yui Natsukawa, Akira Emoto, Gadukanaru Taka, Yuuko Daike, Ittoku Kishibe, Kanji Tsuda and The Stripes dancers. A few years later came ZATOICHI: THE FINAL.

ZATOICHI: A LETTER OF CHALLENGE See: ZATOICHI AND THE FUGITIVES

ZATOICHI AND THE CHESS EXPERT See: THE BLIND SWORDSMAN AND THE CHESS EXPERT

ZATOICHI AND THE CHEST OF GOLD See: MASSEUR ICHI AND A CHEST OF GOLD

ZATOICHI AND THE CHESS EXPERT See: THE BLIND SWORDSMAN AND THE CHESS EXPERT

ZATOICHI AND THE DOOMED MAN (zatoichi sakate giri) (1965 JPN) D: KAZUO MORI W: SHOZABURO ASAI The continuing adventures of the blind masseur Zatoichi (series regular Shintaro Katsu). This time, while in jail for vagrancy he promises to take a message to a couple of men who may save an innocent man from death. Inevitably, corruption is uncovered and Zatoichi must fight. A lesser series would dish out the same formula with no shame, but Katsu’s Zatoichi is obviously getting weary and wise to how things never go his way. Kambi Fujiyama has a good part as a travelling rogue who imitates Zatoichi for money and women. With Kenjiro Ishiyama, Ryouzo Shimada and Kazunari Doi. The consistent quality of this series is quite remarkable. THE BLIND SWORDSMAN AND THE CHESS EXPERT was next.

ZATOICHI AND THE DRUMS See: SAMARITAN ZATOICHI

ZATOICHI AND THE FUGITIVES (the blind swordsman and the fugitives; zatoichi: a letter of challenge; zatoichi hatashi jo) (1968 JPN) D: KIMIYOSHI YASUDA W: KINGA NAOI P: IKUO KUBODERA Shintaro Katsu’s blind masseur Zatoichi fights gangsters on the run and an oppressive millworker in this superb entry, one of the finest in the series. With Kyosuke Machida, Takashi Shimura, Kayo Mikimoto, Hosei Komatsu, Yumiko Nogawa, Shobun Inoue, Kazunari Doi, Shouzo Nanbu, Yukio Horikita, Seishiro Hara, Masuo Ishihara and Kyoshi Kauga. SAMARITAN ZATOICHI followed.

ZATOICHI AND THE SCOUNDRELS See: ZATOICHI ON THE ROAD

ZATOICHI AT LARGE (zatoichi goyo-tabi) (1972 JPN) D: MORI KAZUO W: NAOI KINYA P: SHINTARO KATSU/ NISHIOKA HIROYASHO Zatoichi (Katsu) delivers a dying pregnant woman’s baby, and then vows to find the child’s father at the beginning of this typically solid entry, looking like it’ll be a retread of the same old story but winning you with its individuality. There really is no faulting this series. With Hisaya Morishige, Rentaro Mikuni, and Shouki Fukae. ZATOICHI IN DESPERATION followed.

ZATOICHI AT THE BLOODFEST See: THE NEW ZATOICHI STORY: BLOODBATH AT KASAMA

ZATOICHI AT THE FIRE FESTIVAL See: THE BLIND SWORDSMAN’S FIRE FESTIVAL

ZATOICHI BREAKS JAIL See: ZATOICHI THE OUTLAW

ZATOICHI CHALLENGED! (zatoichi chikemuri kaido) (1967 JPN) D: KENJI MISUMI W: RYOZO KASAHARA P: IKUO KUBODERA This time Ichi (Shintaro Katsu) reluctantly escorts a dying woman’s little boy to a nearby town to meet his estranged artist father, in trouble with the local government for working on erotic display china. Both Katsu and co-star Mie Nakao sing on the soundtrack for one of the best in the series. With Yukiji Asaoka, Hjushiro Konoe, Nabe Yakan, Mikiko Tsubouchi, Asao Koike, Tatsuo Matsumura and Eitaro Ozawa. Followed by ZATOICHI AND THE FUGITIVES.

ZATOICHI, CRAZY JOURNEY See: MASSEUR ICHI, THE FUGITIVE

ZATOICHI: DARKNESS IS HIS ALLY See: ZATOICHI (1989)

ZATOICHI ENTERS AGAIN See: MASSEUR ICHI ENTERS AGAIN

ZATOICHI: FIGHTING DRUMS See: SAMARITAN ZATOICHI

ZATOICHI GOES TO THE FIRE FESTIVAL See: THE BLIND SWORDSMAN’S FIRE FESTIVAL

ZATOICHI IN DESPERATION (zatoichi’s broken cane sword; shin zatoichi monogatari: oreta tsue) (1972 JPN) D/P: SHINATRO KATSU W: MINORI INUZUKE/ NISHIYOKA HIROYASHO Katsu got to test his directorial chops for this offbeat and stylish penultimate entry in the original Zatoichi series. It begins with a memorable scene in which he inadvertently causes the death of an old woman crossing a bridge. It was the last truly great Katsu-as-Zatoichi flick, with an absorbing story and signs of the character’s maturity. Sadly, however, everything stopped after the next entry, THE NEW ZATOICHI STORY: BLOODBATH AT KASAMA. With Asao Koike, Masumi Harakawa and Hideji Ootaki.

ZATOICHI MEETS HIS MATCH See: ZATOICHI MEETS THE ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN

ZATOICHI MEETS THE ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN (zatoichi and the one armed swordsman; zatoichi meets his match; the blind swordsman meets his equal; shin zatoichi: yabure! tojin ken!) (1971 JPN HK) D/W: KIMIYOSHI YASUDA W: TAKAYUKI AMADA P: SHINTARO KATSU Wang Yu takes his highly skilled one-armed sword fighter persona to Japan for inclusion in the Zatoichi series. Shintaro Katsu is the reluctantly lethal blind masseur as usual. All the entries in this series are great, but the finale of this heartbreaking tale of confusion, honour and lack of communication left me with a lump in my throat. Essential stuff. An alternate cut of the film with a completely different ending remains unseen by the general public, anywhere. I wonder if it still exists? With Koji Nanbara, Toru Abe, Takamaru Sasaki, Tokue Hanasawa and Yuzo Hayakawa. ZATOICHI AT LARGE followed.

ZATOICHI MEETS YOJIMBO (zatoichi vs yojimbo; zatoichi to yojimbo) (1970 JPN) D/W: KIHACHI OKAMOTO W: TETSURO YOSHIDA P: SHINATRO KATSU Ichi (Katsu) returns to a fondly remembered village from his past for rest and recuperation. But the place has become and oppressed, lifeless town full of yakuza. Toshiro Mifune is a yojimbo (bodyguard) that is not the same character from Akira Kurosawa’s classic YOJIMBO, but by this point in the series the image of Zatoichi could be played around with more, and gimmicks like this were employed. But that’s not to say that the self-parody is any more than very subtle, and never intrusive. It’s just another high-quality entry in this top-drawer series. With Ayako Wakao (MANJI), Osamu Takizawa, Shin Kishida, Shigeru Koyama, Kenjuro Arashi, Minori Terada, Fujio Tokita, Gen Kimura and Hideo Sunazuka. Okamoto had just directed Mifune in RED LION. The next entry was THE BLIND SWORDMAN’S FIRE FESTIVAL.

ZATOICHI ON THE ROAD (zatoichi and the scoundrels; blind swordsman zatoichi: fighting journey; masseur ichi on the road; zatoichi kenka tabi) (1963 JPN) D: KIMIYOSHI YASUDA W: MINORO INUZUKA P: IKURO KUBOKAWA The legendary blind masseur (Shintaro Katsu) performs a dying man’s wish and transports a girl (Shiho Fujimura) back to her family in Edo. Various other parties try to get their hands on her, and it all ends with a gang war. Another excellent entry in this prolific and consistent series. With Ryouzo Shimada, Yoshio Yoshida, Sonosuke Sawamura, Kazunari Doi, Ryonosuke Azuma, Mitsugu Terashima, Yukio Horikita and Shyosaku Sugiyama. Director Yasuda also helmed the first DAIMAJIN movie. Followed by MASSEUR ICHI AND A CHEST OF GOLD.

ZATOICHI’S BROKEN CANE SWORD See: ZATOICHI IN DESPERATION

ZATOICHI’S CANE SWORD (the blind swordsman’s cane sword; zatoichi tekka tabi) (1967 JPN) D: KIMIYOSHI YASUDA W: RYOZO KASAHARA P: IKUO KUBODEKA Masseur Ichi (Shintaro Katsu) attempts to give up the sword and work full-time as a masseur for an inn, but more small-town corruption forces his hand back to righteous killing. What can I say? Just another top-notch entry in this unmissable series. With Yumiko Fujita, Makoto Fujita, Kyoko Suizenji, Eijiro Tono, Fujio Suga, Tatsuo Endo, Masumi Harukawa, Ryouji Kita, Saburo Date (boy was this man busy!), Kazunari Doi, Goro Onoe, Yuusaku Terashima, Hajime Kimura, Yukio Horikita and Kimiko Tachibana. ZATOICHI THE OUTLAW was next.

ZATOICHI’S CONSPIRACY See: THE NEW ZATOICHI STORY: BLOODBATH AT KASAMA

ZATOICHI’S CRIMINAL JOURNEY See: MASSEUR ICHI, THE FUGITIVE

ZATOICHI’S FLASHING SWORD (the sword of zatoichi; zatoichi abare dako) (1964 JPN) D: KAZUO IKEHIRO W: MINORU INUZUKU P: IKURO KUBOKAWA Yet another worthwhile entry in the blind swordsman series sees Masseur Ichi (Shintaro Katsu) trying to repay the favour when a woman (Naoko Kubo) saves his life. Wih Tatsuo Endo, Ryosuke Kagawa and Bokusen Hidari. Next was FIGHT, ZATOICHI, FIGHT.

ZATOICHI’S OCEAN VOYAGE See: ZATOICHI’S PILGRIMAGE

ZATOICHI’S PILGRIMAGE (zatoichi’s ocean voyage; the blind swordsman’s pilgrimage; zatoichi umi o wataru) (1966 JPN) D: KAZUO IKEHIRO W: KANETO SHINDO P: IKUO KUBODERA Fed-up of all the reluctant killing, Masseur Ichi (Shintaro Katsu) travels to the island of Shikoku to do the rounds of the temples and find some answers. But, of course, even there he must save a damsel in distress from corruption and oppression. This solid entry was scripted by a director most well-known for ONIBABA and KURONEKO, and features a tense, exciting extended final duel. With Michio Ookusa, Kunie Tanaka, Hisashi Igawa, Masao Mishima, Saburo Date, Shosaku Sugiyama, Shintaro Nanjo, Shinobu Araki, Seiji Hara, Yusaku Terashima and Isao Yamagata. ZATOICHI’S CANE SWORD was next in the series.

ZATOICHI’S TRIP TO HELL See: THE BLIND SWORDSMAN AND THE CHESS EXPERT

ZATOICHI’S VENGEANCE See: THE BLIND SWORDSMAN’S VENGEANCE

ZATOICHI: THE BLIND SWORDSMAN’S RETURN See: MASSEUR ICHI ENTERS AGAIN

ZATOICHI, THE FUGITIVE See: MASSEUR ICHI, THE FUGITIVE

ZATOICHI: THE LAST (2010 JPN FRA) D: JUNJI SAKAMOTO W: KIKUMI YAMAGISHI P: KYUKAN MAEDA/YUKIKO OSHII Pop idol Shingo Kattori is better than you might expect as a younger, more vulnerable Masseur Ichi in this flop marketed as the ultimate Zatoichi movie. The plot involves a villainous landowner (Tatsuya Nakadai, who’s funny and very good indeed in his first Zatoichi movie since THE BLIND SWORDSMAN’S FIRE FESTIVAL) trying to strong-arm fishermen into handing over their beach and build a port to trade with Russian sailors. It starts off ok, promising something different from the usual Zatoichi fare. But the further into its two hours+ you get, it unfortunately dawns on you that this will be remembered as the most boring Zatoichi movie. With Satomi Ishihara as Ichi’s wife in flashbacks, Takashi Sorimachi, Susumu Terajima, Koiichi Iwaki, Yuki Kudo, Takashi Ukaji, Toshio Shiba, Kanzaburo Nakamura, Sosuke Takaoka, Seishiro Kato, Denden, Yoshio Arata and Chieko Baisho.

ZATOICHI THE OUTLAW (the blind swordsman’s rescue; zatoichi breaks jail; zatoichi royaburi) (1967 JPN) D: SATSU YAMAMOTO W: KOJI MATSUMOTO/TAKEHIRO NAKAJIMA/KIYOKATA SARUKAWA P: MASAICHI NAGATA This different entry has the blind masseur (Shintaro Katsu, who can be heard singing on the soundtrack) tricked into leaving a peasant town in conflict, believing that a seemingly good man (Rentaro Mikuni) will settle all. He returns to right his wrongs in this slow-paced but satisfying tale that has a culminative effect. With Ko Nishimura (also in Katsu’s very different HANZO THE RAZOR series), Toshiyuki Hosokawa, Takuya Fujioka, Kenjiro Ishiyama, Mizuho Suzuki, Tatsuo Endo, Saburo Date, Yuzou Hayakawa, Kazunari Doi, Hajime Mikura and Keisuke Otori. ZATOICHI CHALLENGED! followed.

ZATOICHI VS. YOJIMBO See: ZATOICHI MEETS YOJIMBO

ZEBRAMAN (2003 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: KANKURO KUDO P: MAKOTO OKADA/AKIO HATTORI Sho Aikawa is fun as Zebraman, an unpopular elementary schoolteacher and family man who’s made his own b/w striped costume based on an old 70s tv superhero show, and dreams of using it to fight evil forces. He gets his chance when aliens start possessing small kids and have a takeover plot based on the old Zebraman tv show scripts. Akira Emoto is a killer in a crab outfit. Kudo (who wrote PING PONG)’s very nostalgic and knowing screenplay is light and familyorientated for the most part, so Miike fans shouldn’t expect any outrageous elements. Nothing to write home about, but quite fun and cute. With Ren Osugi, Atsuro Watanabe, Kyoka Suzuki, Teruyoshi Uchimura, Arata Furuta and Kuimo Aso.

ZEBRAMAN 2: ATTACK ON ZEBRA CITY (zebraman 2: zebra city no gyakushu) (2010 JPN) D: TAKASHI MIIKE W: KANKURO KUDO P: MAKOTO OKADA/ANIMASA OKADA/AKIO HATTORI Surprisingly high-profile follow up to the not very exciting original is a major disappointment even for that low standard. In 2025, aliens have taken over Tokyo (and surrounding areas) and turned it into a black’n’white striped Zebra City, run by Governor Gadurakanaru Taka, who enforces 10 mins-a-day “zebra time”, during which any crime can be committed without punishment, and the armoured police have the right to shoot citizens (this, and other ideas are just not realised properly in the self-indulgent mess of a screenplay from the overappreciated Kudo). Sho Aikawa returns as the titular superhero, except he has amnesia and can’t remember who he is. But the advertising concentrated on Riisa Naka (a terrible if somewhat sexy actress) as Zebra Queen, Taka’s pop idol daughter who storms the charts with her raunchy hits. She’s also a sadistic psycho. There’s a bunch of other crap going on, but really, don’t waste your time (I will never get those two hours back). I hated it. With Naoki Tanaka (as a tv Zebraman), Tsuyoshi Abe, Tadamasa Rokuhei, Hideo Nakano, dwarf Mame Yamada, Ken Maeda, Katsuhisa Namase, Hooka Kinoshita, Naomasa Musaka and Suzzanu (who doesn’t last long).

ZEIRAM 2 (1994 JPN) D/W: KEITA AMEMIYA W: HAJIME MATSUMOTO P: HIRONOBU OSAKI The same characters return (as do Moriyama and Kotaro, but the younger electrician is now played by future cult director Sabu) for more of the same comical sci-fi nonsense as they get trapped in some other “zone” with nasty aliens wanting something called a “kamanite”. Looks like the budget was a little bigger this time, with more elaborate FX (but still low-budget). If you loved the original, then you’ll probably dig this one aimed at the same demographic, too. There were also some animated adventures with the same characters.

ZEISTERS See: FAT GUY GOES NUTZOID!!

THE ZERO BOYS (1986 US) D/W/P: NICO MASTORAKIS W: ROBERT GILLIAM/FRED C. PERRY Teen paintball team encounter psycho rednecks who make snuff movies at a remote cabin in the woods. It’s ok, with some surprisingly effective scenes, but still has dumb parts, like when one of the girls says, “I’ll catch up with you” and lingers behind when walking through dark scary woods, even after people have been killed. With Joe Estevez and Kelli Maroney.

ZERO DAY (2003 US) D/W: BEN COCCIO W: CHRISTOPHER COCCIO P: ELIZABETH BALL/C.L. COCCIO/ COURTNEY JORDAN/DAVID SHUFF/BARNEY OLDFIELD As well as the deliberately cartoonishly offensive DUCK! THE CARBINE HIGH MASSACRE and Gus Van Sant’s high-profile arthouse experiment ELEPHANT (2003), there was also this low-budget, realistic look at a Columbine-like high school massacre, and it’s the all-round best of the three. Andre Keuck and Carl Robertson are both excellent as articulate, intelligent high school outcasts who are seen planning for their day of vengeance through a series of camcorder messages. The shootings are seen via surveillance tapes. It was shot in Albany, NY. The only thing that could be said not in its favour is that the two protagonists’ lives don’t seem that bad to justify their actions, but I guess that also could be said of the real-life case that inspired it.

ZERO EFFECT (1998 US) D/W/P: JAKE KASDAN P: LISA HENSON/JANET YANG Bill Pullman is an intolerable but brilliant private detective (“the greatest observer the world has ever known”) called Daryl Zero who sings and plays guitar (badly) and takes lots of amphetamines. Ben Stiller is his put-upon assistant in this sometimes comic mystery that got very, very good reviews on its original release. It is good, and Pullman (who narrates) is enjoyable to watch (an underrated actor in fact), but it’s no classic. With Kim Dickens, Angela Featherstone, Ryan O’Neal and Kasdan. There was a tv series pilot remake in 2002.

ZERO FOCUS (zero no shoten) (1961 JPN) D: YOSHITARO NOMURA W: SHINOBU HASHIMOTO/YOJI YAMADA Yoshiko Kuga is a newly-wed for only a week when her husband goes missing on a business trip to his former company branch in Kanzawa. She leaves Tokyo to investigate with the help of his co-workers and brother (Ko Nishimura). I’m not usually a fan of relatively straightforward whodunnits, but this b/w adaptation of a novel by famous murder mystery writer Seicho Matsumoto was really rather good and involving. With Hizuru Takachiko and Iseko Arima. Nomura, Hashimoto and Yamada reteamed for the critically acclaimed 1974 Matsumoto adaptation THE CASTLE OF SAND. ZERO FOCUS was remade in 2009.

ZERO GIRLS See: THE SIN SYNDICATE

ZERO WOMAN (keishicho zero ka no onna) (1995 JPN) D/W: KOJI ENOKIDO W: CHIAKI HASHIBA P: SHINSUKE YAMAZAKI/YOSHINORI CHIBA/TAMOTSU SAWATOA Naoka Iijima (who would later become seriously famous) is a sexy but dangerous woman who works for a special police detective agency. When her friends witness an important businessman’s (secretly perverted) daughter commit murder, they end up dead. It’s revenge time. Based on the writings of Tamotsu Sawata, this thriller should have been more sexy (Iijima barely gets naked) and violent. Later entries in the series got it right. My favourite part is when Iijima gets tied up in her lingerie and tortured by a dwarf (GUINEA PIG 2: ANDROID OF NOTRE DAME star Toshihiko Hino). With Tokuma Nishioka as Iijima’s corrupt boss, Paul Maki and wrestler Atsushi Onita.

ZERO WOMAN 2 (keishicho zero ka no onna 2) (1995 JPN) D/W: DAISUKE GOHTO W: CHIAKI HASHIBA/ TORU SHINOHR P: YOSHINORI CHIBA/HIDEO SUGIMOTO/HIROSHI YAMAJI/SHINSUKE YAMAZAKI This time Natsuki Ozawa (whose singing is heard over the end credits) is naked a lot in the starring role. The plot has something to do with stolen stock market papers, but who cares? There’s plenty of violence and nudity to keep things interesting. Kane Kosugi appears to deal out the karate. With Tokoma Nishioka, rape, a stupid soundtrack and a RAMBO-style bullet removal scene. The final shoot-out is impressively stylish. Forget the first entry and watch this one instead.

ZERO WOMAN 3 (keishicho zero ka no onna 3) (1996 JPN) D/W: MASAHIDE KUABARA W: SEIGO INOUE P: SHINSUKE YAMAZAKI/TOMOKO KITAJO Idol Kumiko Takeda goes topless as Zero Woman in this very dull entry based on a book by Toru Shinohara. She falls for another male assassin and they both become targets themselves. With nudity, beatings, SM whipping scenes and a crappy soundtrack. Tokuma Nishioka co-stars. Another six sequels followed (at last count) up to 2007.

ZERO WOMAN: RED HANDCUFFS (zero ka no onna: akai wappa) (1974 JPN) D: YUKIO NODA W: FUMIO KONAMI/HIRO MATSUDA An undercover policewoman (sexy Miki Sugimoto, who is thankfully frequently undressed) takes the law into her own hands, and blows away a foreign ambassador rapist/murderer. After having her stylish matching bright red gun, badge and handcuffs taken away from her, she’s thrown in a cell. Meanwhile a small-time gang of thugs rape and kidnap a young woman, who turns out to be the daughter of a ruthless, ambitious politician (Testuro Tamba). Sugimoto is sent to infiltrate the gang on behalf of a corrupt squad of cops, who kill and torture (with an oxyacetylene torch). This never boring exploitation item with a typically stylish look (for the period) has plenty of rape and violence to keep sleaze hounds happy. With Hideo Murata and Yoko Mihara. Based on the comic book writings of Toru Shinohara (as was the FEMALE PRISONER 701 series). Both screenwriters wrote several each for Kinji Fukasaku. There is no real link with the later ZERO WOMAN series, other than that they were probably inspired by the same source.

ZETA ONE (alien women; the love factor) (1969 UK) D/: MICHAEL CORT W: ALISTAIR McKENZIE/CHRISTOPHER NEAME (uncredited) P: GEORGE MAYNARD A sexy blonde seduces a male spy at his pad. After a game of strip poker they end up in bed where he narrates a feature-length flashback of his last mission. A stripper goes undercover to infiltrate some group of alien women who are up to something or other. Another stripper dances with a snake and there’s psychedelic space FX. For a sex comedy, it’s neither sexy nor funny. Dawn Addams leads the alien women and Charles Hawtrey appears very out of place in a bit-part. With Valerie Leon and James Robertson Justice. It’s from executive producer Tony Tenser’s Tigon.

ZIGEUNERWEISEN (tsuigoineruwaizen) (1980 JPN) D: SEIJUN SUZUKI W: YOZO TANAKA P: GENJIRO ARATO This extraordinary, rambling, sublime adaptation of a book by Uchida Hyakken stars Yoshio Harada and Toshiya Fujita (particularly good) as professors who seem to have a lot of time on their hands in an unspecified time period (I’d say maybe the 1920s, not that it matters). They wander (sometimes together, sometimes seperately), discuss, eat, drink and sometimes see and/or imagine unusual, surreal sights. At 145 mins, it’s a relaxed, dreamlike collection of unforgettable images and ideas to get utterly lost in. One of those rare classics that you’d like to climb into the screen and wander around for yourself in. I’m afraid this review doesn’t (and can’t) do it justice, but I implore you to experience it. Naoko Otani co-stars in a dual role, with Kirin Kiki, Akaji Maro and Sumie Sasahi. As much as I like Suzuki’s TOKYO DRIFTER (1966) and others, this is his masterpiece, I think. Followed by MIRAGE THEATRE.

ZIGZAG (false witness) (1970 US) D: RICHARD A. COLLA W: JOHN T. KELLY W/P: ROBERT ENDERS P: EVERETT FREEMAN George Kennedy stars as a man dying from a brain tumour who’s on trial for kidnapping and murder. He plots to pull off a convoluted deception that will make enough money to look after his wife and kid. Unusual thriller starts off intriguingly, but it’s a long and progressively duller journey to the end. With Eli Wallach as Kennedy’s defence attorney, Robert Sampson, and BLACULA star William Marshall. Director Colla usually works for tv.

ZIPANG (the legend of zipang) (1990 JPN) D/W: KAIZO HAYASHI W: ATSUYUKI KURITA P: KOSUKE KURI This fun, tongue-in-cheek fantasy adventure is set in an alternate ancient Japan loosely based on what explorer Marco Polo wrote when he “discovered” the country. Masahiro Takashima leads a ragtag bunch of warriors (including a dwarf) searching for gold. Narumi Tasuda is a gunslinging female opponent who has a love/hate relationship with him. It’s a mixture of sword fights, hi-tech weapons, monsters, robots and magic, and it works surprisingly well. With Mikijiro Hira, Haruko Wanibuchi, Hiroshi Mikami, Shiro Sano, Bengal, pro wrestler Killer Kahn, Kitarou and Hairi Katagiri.

ZODIAC (2006 US) D: DAVID FINCHER W/P: JAMES VANDERBILT P: CEAN CHAFFIN/BRAD FISCHER/ MIKE MEDAVOY/ARNOLD MESSER San Francisco Chronicle cartoonist Robert Graysmith (Jake Gyllenhaal) obsessively tries to find the identity of the Zodiac, a serial killer who terrorised Northern California from 1969, and was never caught. Spanning 1969–91 (Graysmith’s first Zodiac book, the main source material for the movie, was published in 86), this quite brilliant thriller (with genuinely scary horror overtones) must be considered the final word on the subject. Also Fincher’s best film. Harry Savides’ photography, the score by David Shire (and the use of Donovan’s Hurdy-Gurdy Man), the performances of the cast, everything is just right. I’ve seen it three times, and still want to watch it again. With Robert Downey Jr., Chloë Sevigny, Mark Ruffalo, Anthony Edwards, Brian Cox as celebrity lawyer Melvin Belli, Elias Koteas, Philip Baker Hall, John Carroll Lynch, Ione Skye, Dermot Mulroney, Candy Clark, Donal Logue, Zach Grenier, James Le Gros, Clea DuVall, Adam Goldberg and clips of John Vernon in DIRTY HARRY. Highly recommended, one of the finest major releases to grace a multiplex in years. Graysmith also wrote the book that became AUTO-FOCUS.

ZODIAC AMERICA: THE SUPER MASTER See: GRAVEDIGGER

ZODIAC FIGHTERS (dragon zombies return; sap yee sang naam; shi er sheng san) (1978 TAI) D: HAU CHANG It’s got a bad, screwy plot and a midsection that drags heavily, but stick with this crazed kung fu cheapie for some jaw-dropping scenes. Polly Shang Kuan learns dragon style and bands together the other ten animal-style fighters. They are mouse, ox, cat, pig, hare, snake, horse, sheep, ape, rooster and dog. These fighters wear the worst animal costumes and make loud farmyard noises when they fight. After dealing with the five element clan, Lo Lieh (who’s never looked more ridiculous) turns up as the villainous tiger shark. With him are some flying, inflatable sharks (!) that chase Kuan and Co around while making car noises (!!) and have detachable jaw weapons. Some of Lieh’s other cronies fight with big lobster-claw gloves! I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Amazing! THE WARS OF THE ZODIACS was the sequel.

THE ZODIAC KILLER (1971 US) D/P: TOM HANSON W: MANNY CARDOZA/RAY CANTRELL Very loosely based on the real-life San Francisco serial killer, this cheap obscurity (recently released on a Something Weird triple bill dvd) has a confused homicidal postman who keeps rabbits offing many of the city’s citizens for minor transgressions in a rather nonchalant way that leaves lots of clues and evidence. His balding, doped-up truck driver friend wears a horrendous wig and is shot down by cops after claiming to be the killer. Doodles Weaver (!) has a part, and apparently Robert Towne is “man in bar #2”. Parts are laughable, parts are effective. The end result is a curiosity at best, but don’t go out of your way. “This is not the end.” [Illus.]

ZOLTAN… HOUND OF DRACULA (dracula’s dog) (1978 US) D: ALBERT BAND W/P: FRANK RAY PERILLI P: CHARLES BAND Zoltan is a vampire dog (with glowing green eyes and fangs) who escapes from a crypt in “Romania” and resurrects non-bloodsucking master Reggie Nalder by removing a stake from his heart. They travel to Los Angeles to find the end of the Dracula bloodline (Michael Pataki, camping with his family and dogs). José Ferrer is a Van Helsing-type inspector who tries to help, but Zoltan vampirises all the dogs, so a pack of vampire dogs is on the prowl. There’s no doubting the low-quality of this silly horror film, but it’s difficult for me to be objective. It’s the first film I ever remember watching as a child. My father taped it off late-night tv and watched it the next day. I remember my older sister trying to discourage me from watching it by telling me it was BAMBI! But I saw through her deception and had a great time watching this with my dad. I had less of a good time years later. With Dimitri Logothetis and a surprise ending with a cute, not-in-the-least-bit-scary vampire puppy!

ZOMBIE (1978) See: DAWN OF THE DEAD

ZOMBIE (1979) See: ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS

ZOMBIE 2: THE DEAD ARE AMONG US See: ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS

ZOMBIE 3 (1979) See: ZOMBIE HOLOCAUST

ZOMBIE 3 (1979; Andrea Bianchi) See: THE NIGHTS OF TERROR

ZOMBIE 3 (zombie flesh eaters 2: zombie: hell on earth; zombi 3) (1987 ITL) D: BRUNO MATTEI/ LUCIO FULCI W: CLAUDIO FRAGASSO P: FRANCO GAUDENZI Fulci shot about 15 mins of this ecowarning zombie gore movie before having a stroke, so Mattei took over (but is usually not credited). A military virus escapes in the Philippines resulting in undead people and animals (there’s a zombie seagull attack). It’s pretty awful. A zombie baby bursting out of its mother’s stomach, a zombie flying head and a zombie DJ (!) stop it from getting boring, though. With Deran Sarafian, Massimo Vanni, Luciano Pigozzi, Fragasso and Mattei.

ZOMBIE 4 (1988) See: AFTER DEATH

ZOMBIE 6: MONSTER HUNTER See: ABSURD

ZOMBIE BLOODBATH (1964) See: I EAT YOUR SKIN

ZOMBIE COP See: DEAD HEAT

ZOMBIE CREEPING FLESH See: HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD

THE ZOMBIE DEAD See: THE NIGHTS OF TERROR

ZOMBIE DOOM See: VIOLENT SHIT 3

ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS (zombie; zombies 2; island of the living dead; zombi 2; gli ultimi zombi) (1979 ITL) D: LUCIO FULCI W: ELISA BRIGANTI/DARDANO SACCHETTI (uncredited) P: FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS/ UGO TUCCI Inspired by the success of Romero’s DAWN OF THE DEAD, Fulci kick-started the Italian gut-munching cycle with this old-fashioned voodoothemed zombie movie that actually holds up better now than Romero’s. When an unmanned boat (with a fat zombie aboard) cruises into New York Harbour, newspaper reporter Ian McCulloch and Tisa Farrow go and search for her father (who owned the boat) on the remote Caribbean island of Matool. There they find plenty of the undead rising from their graves (good scenes inspired by PLAGUE OF THE ZOMBIES) and lots of nice gore effects. With (carpenter) Al Cliver, Richard Johnson, Auretta Gay, Franco Fantasia, a cameo from Fulci, a shark vs underwater zombie fight and the infamous splinter-in-the-eye scene.

ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS 2 See: ZOMBIE 3 (1987)

ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS 3 See: AFTER DEATH

ZOMBIE GRAVEYARD See: CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS

ZOMBIE HELL HOUSE See: THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY

ZOMBIE: HELL ON EARTH See: ZOMBIE 3

ZOMBIE HIGH (the school that ate my brain) (1987 US) D: RON LINK W/P: AZIZ GHAZAL W: TIM DOYLE/ ELIZABETH PASSERELLI P: ELLIOTT KASTNER/MARC TOBEROFF Virginia Madsen is one of the first few women at an all-male university where students are transformed into mindless, ageless drones by drinking a serum made from blood and brains. Advertised as a comedy (not really true), it’s not funny, scary or entertaining and is utterly worthless. With Sherilyn Fenn and James Wilder.

ZOMBIE HOLOCAUST (dr. butcher m.d.; zombie 3; la regina dei cannibali; zombi holocaust) (1979 ITL) D: “FRANK MARTIN” (MARINO GIROLAMI) W: ROMANO SCANDARIATO/WALTER PATRIARCA W/P: FABRIZIO DE ANGELIS P: TERRY LEVENE/GIANFRANCO COUYOUMDJIAN After cadavers in an NYC morgue are found to have organs and bodyparts missing, Ian McCulloch and Alexandra Delli Colli go to a remote Caribbean island and find cannibals and zombies. Gore favourite (with similarities to the superior ZOMBIE FLESH-EATERS) is available in its original form or as an Americanised version, DR. BUTCHER M.D. (Medical Deviate). The shorter US version is the most fun, eliminating slow, talky sections yet retaining all the gore. Roy Frumkes also designed a new title sequence and the synthesiser score is different. With Donald O’Brien (as Dr. Butcher, I guess), Victor Israel, Patriarca and inventive use of an outboard propeller.

ZOMBIE HONEYMOON See: THE NEWLYDEADS

ZOMBIE HORROR See: THE NIGHTS OF TERROR

ZOMBIE INFERNO See: HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD

ZOMBIE LAKE (the lake of the living dead; el lago des los muertos vivientes; le lac des morts vivants) (1980 FRA SPN) D: “J.A. LASER” (JEAN ROLLIN) W: “A.L. MARIAUX” (JESÚS FRANCO)/“JULIUS VALERY” (JULIAN ESTEBAN) P: DAVID LASOVER Bloodsucking Nazi zombies (still in neat uniforms) emerge from a lake to kill nude female swimmers. Their makeup consists of green face paint. Howard Vernon heads the cast of this almost enjoyably awful Eurocine release. Lots of time is wasted with WWII battle flashbacks (probably lifted from somewhere else). With Antonio Mayans, Rollin and Esteban. Franco (always one to try viewers’ patience) returned with more (dry) Nazi zombies in OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES. I guess both these movies were inspired by the American SHOCK WAVES.

ZOMBIELAND (2009 US) D: RUBEN FLEISCHER W: RHET REESE/PAUL WERNICK P: GAVIN POLONE Jesse Eisenberg (in what seems to a run-up to his role in 2010’s THE SOCIAL NETWORK) thinks he’s the only survivor in a world full of infected zombies, until he meets trigger-happy, Twinkie-hunting Woody Harrelson. Two sisters (Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin) complicate matters further in this SHAUN OF THE DEAD-inspired “rom-zom-com” (how I hate that phrase). Filled with smart-arse references to other movies (especially GHOSTBUSTERS, when Bill Murray turns up as himself), this more or less stays on the right side of likeable, and is a fun (if minor) horror comedy outing. With Amber Heard and John C. Reilly as a zombie. Shot in Georgia.

ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE (1987 CAN) D: JACK BRAVMAN W: DAVID WELLINGTON P: PIERRE GRISE Jon Mikl Thor is killed by a bunch of horrible hit-and-run teens, only to return from the grave as a vengeful, green-faced zombie. Adam West is the police captain. The violence is either tame or offscreen, but a guy does have a baseball bat shoved through his stomach. Pretty dull, with a weird surprise ending (although not as memorable as Mikl Thor’s other vehicle the same year, ROCK’n’ROLL NIGHTMARE, whose director John Fasano has a small role here). With Tia Carrere, Manuska Ringaud as a voodoo priest and Walter Massey. Bravman had previously helped the Findlays make JANIE in 1970, and Wellington later made I LOVE A MAN IN UNIFORM!

ZOMBIE ‘90: EXTREME PESTILENCE (zombie 2001: the battle royale) (1990 GER) D/W: ANDREAS SCHNAAS A downed military plane causes zombies to rise and kill in ultra-gory ways in this amateur shot-on-video splatter movie from the director of the VIOLENT SHIT movies (who also did the FX). A chainsaw is often used for the carnage. Some Americans wisely added very silly voice-overs for the English-dubbed version, making it a little more bearable.

ZOMBIE NOSH (revenge of the living zombies; flesh eater) (1989 US) D/W/P: BILL HINZMAN W: BILL RANDOLPH Do-it-all Hinzman (who also did the editing) was the first on-screen zombie in the graveyard in the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. Here he reprises his most famous role (!) and kick-starts another zombie plague. It’s a pretty good, trashy colour remake aimed at teens (on a hayride!) with gore and some inventive touches. Don’t expect too much, kick back with some beers, and it just might entertain you. Hinzman also made THE MAJORETTES (1987), a slasher movie.

ZOMBIE PARK See: TRAILER PARK OF TERROR

ZOMBIE PARTY See: SHAUN OF THE DEAD

ZOMBIE RIVALS See: GRAVEDIGGER

ZOMBIE RIVAL: THE SUPER NINJA MASTER See: GRAVEDIGGER

ZOMBIES (1964) See: I EAT YOUR SKIN

THE ZOMBIES (1966) See: THE PLAGUE OF THE ZOMBIES

ZOMBIES (1978) See: DAWN OF THE DEAD

ZOMBIES 2 See: ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS

ZOMBIE SAGA See: VOODOO DAWN

ZOMBIES: DAWN OF THE DEAD See: DAWN OF THE DEAD

ZOMBIE SELF DEFENSE FORCE (zombie jietai) (2005 JPN) D: NAOYUKI TOMOMATSU W: CHISATO OOGAWARA P: KENJIRO NISHI/MASAOMI TERANISHI A UFO lands in the woods near Mt. Fuji, resurrecting all the dead suicide victims there (a necessary contrivance to kick-start a zombie flick in Japan, as most bodies are cremated, not buried). Members of a small national defence patrol on manoeuvres have to hole up in a house from zombies, along with a young yakuza and a cute flirty idol (porn starlet Mihiro providing plenty of upskirt shots to keep boredom at bay for a bit). Yet another cheap and gory fanboy flick (which namechecks George A. Romero at the beginning, along with parodying hyperpatriotic diatribe). One female character turns out to be a cyborg soldier that was to be sent to America for a “WWII rematch” (don’t worry, I wouldn’t spoil any surprises in a good film). Seventy-two long mins, from the makers of STACY: ATTACK OF THE SCHOOLGIRL ZOMBIES.

ZOMBIES OF MORA TAU (the dead that walk) (1957 US) D: EDWARD L. CAHN W: RAYMOND T. MARCUS/GEORGE H. PLYMPTON P: SAM KATZMAN Historian Morris Ankrum and some treasure hunters (including slutty Allison Hayes, and two-fisted hero sailor Gregg Palmer) search for an underwater cache of diamonds off the coast of “Africa” (no one left California). The diamonds are protected by underwater zombies, long-dead sailors who once tried to pilfer them. Hayes becomes one, and others are played by Frank Hagney and Ray “Crash” Corrigan. I’ve always really like the idea (like SHOCK WAVES), but unfortunately this 69 b/w programmer is quite dull, and lacks atmospherics. With Gene Roth. Originally on a double bill with the much more interesting THE MAN WHO TURNED TO STONE.

THE ZOMBIES OF SUGAR HILL See: SUGAR HILL (1974)

ZOMBIES OF THE SAVANNA See: HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD

ZOMBIES OF THE STRATOSPHERE (1952 US) D: FRED C. BANNON W: RONALD DAVIDSON Aliens (who are called zombies for some reason) plan to blow the Earth out of its orbit with a hydrogen bomb in this pretty pathetic Republic serial. Judd Holdren takes over the role of Commando Cody (from RADAR MEN FROM THE MOON (1952)) but his character was changed at the last minute to Larry Martin. The lucky viewer gets to see reused flying footage from KING OF THE ROCKET MEN and the same old cliffhanger endings, robots and ideas recycled as Martin battles the “zombies” and their Earth gangster helpers. With Leonard Nimoy (almost unrecognisable as the alien Narab), Aline Towne (who returned along with Holdren in the theatrically released COMMANDO CODY tv series the following year), Roy Barcroft, Davison Clark, John Daheim, Cactus Mack, George Magrill, Henry Rowland, Robert Strange, Ken Terrell, Lane Bradford, Wilson Wood, Tom Steele, John Crawford, Dale Van Sickel, Roy Engel, Jack Shea, Norman Willis and Clifton Young. A condensed feature version is called SATAN’S SATELLITES. You’d be better off looking for RADAR or KING.

ZOMBIES ON BROADWAY (loonies on broadway) (1945 US) D: GORDON DOUGLAS W: LAWRENCE KIMBLE/ROBERT E. KENT/ROBERT FABER/CHARLES NEWMAN P: BEN STOLOFF Wanting to get a reporter (Louis Jean Heydt) off his back, gangster Sheldon Leonard sends a couple of reluctant press agents (mediocre comedy stars Alan Carney and Wally Brown) to San Sebastian to bring back “an A-one genuine zombie” as a gimmick for opening night of his new NYC nightclub. Bela Lugosi creates zombies (with pop-eye makeup) using a simple serum injection. His main black one, Kaloga (Darby Jones from 1943’s classic I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE) looks pretty cool and menacing. The serum also turns other characters temporarily bug-eyed for laughs in this 68 mins b/w comedy horror that spoofs the above-mentioned WALKED, complete with Calypso singer Sir Lancelot cameo. Both are from RKO. It’s not very funny, but a fun oddity of yesteryear. With Ann Jeffreys, Nick Stewart, Ian Wolfe, Russell Hopton, Frank Jenks, Robert Clarke, Bess Flowers, Eddie Hall, Emory Parnell, Jason Robards Sr., Walter Soderling, Max Wagner and Bill Williams. Douglas had already directed Carney and Brown in the previous year’s comedy western GIRL RUSH. The duo returned (with Bela) in GENIUS AT WORK (1946).

THE ZOMBIE’S RAGE See: ANTHROPOPHAGUS THE BEAST

ZOMBIES: THE BEGINNING (zombie 2009; zombi: la creazione) (2007 ITL) D: “VINCENT DAWN” (BRUNO MATTEI) W: ANTONIO TENTORI W/P: GIANNI PAOLUCCI The influence of ALIENS (which Mattei had already ripped off years ago with SHOCKING DARK) is still strong in this direct sequel to ISLAND OF THE LIVING DEAD. Survivor Yvette Yzon is rescued at sea, and (after being a monk for a bit) is later called upon to help escort a military team to another remote island (or, an old disused factory somewhere in the Philippines) where zombie samples from the original island were taken to study. They encounter horrible medical experiments, zombie kids, a dwarf dressed as an overgrown mutant foetus zombie and, at the end, a big pulsating brain that controls everything (Yzon goes all Sigourney on it with a flame-thrower). A zombie baby bursts from its mother’s womb like in ZOMBIE 3. The more expensive submarine footage is from CRIMSON TIDE (!), and the climactic exploding oil refinery is obviously from somewhere else, too. It’s much more boring than its predecessor, though. Jim Gaines (who appears as a zombie) was production co-ordinator. It was Mattei’s final film, and is dedicated to him.

ZOMBIE: THE RETURN See: THE DEAD HATE THE LIVING!

ZOMBIE 2001: REBORN TO KILL See: PRISON OF THE DEAD

ZOMBIE 2001: THE BATTLE ROYALE See: ZOMBIE ‘90: EXTREME PESTILENCE

ZOMBIE VS. NINJA See: GRAVEDIGGER

ZOMBIE 2009 See: ZOMBIES: THE BEGINNING

THE ZONE (the dogfighters) (1995 US) D/W: BARRY ZETLIN W: SEAN SMITH/ANTHONY STARK/RICHARD BOEHM P: OLIVER G. HESS/KEVIN M. KALLBERG This very dull movie stars wisecracking Robert Davi as an ex-airforce fighter pilot blackmailed by Ben Gazzara to infiltrate and destroy Alexander Godunov’s arms factory (holding plutonium) in Russia. Some nude fat women are used as comic relief. With Kallberg and Zetlin. It was filmed in Hungary.

ZONEKILLER See: VIDEODROME

ZONE 39 (1997 AUSL) D/W/P: JOHN TATOULIS W: DEBORAH PARSONS P: COLIN J. SOUTH Australia stands in for a post-nuke future once again in this dull and depressing conspiracy thriller mostly shot in a desolate wasteland. After his decoder wife is “accidentally” killed in the city, a communications expert is sent to a contaminated zone to make sure no one escapes to infect the populace. He discovers that the government knows about some lethal water contamination. He also hallucinates about his wife and befriends a lizard.

ZONE TROOPERS (1985 ITL US) D/W: DANNY BILSON W: PAUL DEMEO P: ROBERTO BESSI Tim Thomerson leads a pack of GIs in WWII Italy. Some alien creatures help them fight Nazis in this very bad Empire release. With Timothy Van Patten, Art LaFleur, Anita Zagaria and John Carl Buechler FX.

ZONTAR: THE THING FROM VENUS (1966 US) D/W/P: LARRY BUCHANAN W: HILLMAN TAYLOR The first of three movies starring John Agar that Buchanan directed as part of his eight-movie package deal for AIP. It’s a remake of Corman’s IT CONQUERED THE WORLD with Anthony Houston (who wrote the script for CURSE OF THE SWAMP CREA

All of the following books were helpful in one way or another; some were invaluable and continue to be so:

ADDICTED: THE MYTH AND MENACE OF DRUGS IN FILM Jack Stevenson, ed. (Creation 1999)

ALEX COX: FILM ANARCHIST Steven Paul Davies (Batsford 2000)

THE ANIME ENCYCLOPEDIA Jonathan Clements & Helen Mccarthy (Stone Bridge 2001)

THE ANIME MOVIE GUIDE Helen McCarthy (Overlook 1996)

ASIAN CULT CINEMA Thomas Weisser (Boulevard 1997)

BABYLON BLUE David Flint (Creation 1998)

CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST AND THE SAVAGE CINEMA OF RUGGERO DEODATO Harvey Fenton & Julian Grainger & Gian Luca Castoldi (Fab Press 1999)

CREEPING FLESH: THE HORROR FANTASY FILM BOOK David Kerekes, ed. (Headpress 2003)

DELIRIUM: A GUIDE TO ITALIAN EXPLOITATION 1975–1979 Adrian Luther-Smith, ed. (Media Publications 1997)

DESPERATE VISIONS: THE FILMS OF JOHN WATERS AND THE KUCHAR BROTHERS Jack Stevenson (Creation 1996)

EROS IN HELL: SEX, BLOOD AND MADNESS IN JAPANESE CINEMA Jack Hunter (Creation 1998)

THE EROTIC ANIME MOVIE GUIDE Helen Mccarthy & Jonathan Clements (Titan 1998)

THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO HONG KONG MOVIES Rick Baker & Toby Russell (Eastern Heroes 1994)

THE ESSENTIAL MONSTER MOVIE GUIDE Stephen Jones (Billboard 1999)

FEAR WITHOUT FRONTIERS: HORROR CINEMA ACROSS THE GLOBE Steven Jay Schneider, ed. (Fab Press 2003)

FORGOTTEN HORRORS: THE DEFINITIVE EDITION Michael H. Price & George E. Turner (Midnight Marquee 1999)

FORGOTTEN HORRORS 2: BEYOND THE HORROR BAN Michael H. Price & George E. Turner (Midnight Marquee 2001)

FORGOTTEN HORRORS 3!: DR. TURNER’S HOUSE OF HORRORS Michael H. Price & John Wooley with George E. Turner (Luminary Press 2003)

FORGOTTEN HORRORS 4: DREAMS THAT MONEY CAN BUY Michael H. Price & John Wooley (Midnight Marquee 2007)

FORGOTTEN HORRORS VOL. 5: THE ATOM AGE Michael H. Price & John Wooley & Jan Alan Henderson (Cremo Studios 2011)

FRAGMENTS OF FEAR: AN ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF BRITISH HORROR FILMS Andy Boot (Creation 1999)

THE GHASTLY ONE: THE SEX-GORE NETHERWORLD OF FILMMAKER ANDY

MILLIGAN Jimmy McDonough (A Cappella 2001)

GREAT MARTIAL ARTS MOVIES: FROM BRUCE LEE TO JACKIE CHAN AND MORE Ric Meyers (Citadel Press 2001)

GRINDHOUSE: THE FORBIDDEN WORLD OF “ADULTS ONLY” CINEMA Eddie Muller & Daniel Faris (St. Martin’s Press 1996)

HOLLYWOOD EAST Stefan Hammond (Contemporary Books 2000)

IMMORAL TALES: EUROPEAN SEX AND HORROR MOVIES 1956–1984 Cathal Tohill & Pete Tombs (St. Martin’s Griffin 1994)

JAPANESE CINEMA ENCYCLOPEDIA: HORROR, FANTASY, SCIENCE FICTION Thomas & Yuko Mihara Weisser (Vital 1997)

JAPANESE CINEMA ENCYCLOPEDIA: THE SEX FILMS Thomas & Yuko Mihara Weisser (Vital 1998)

KILLING FOR CULTURE: AN ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF DEATH FILM FROM MONDO TO

SNUFF David Kerekes & David Slater (Creation 1995)

MENTAL HYGIENE: CLASSROOM FILMS 1945-1970 Ken Smith (Blast 1999)

MONDO MACABRO: WEIRD AND WONDERFUL CINEMA AROUND THE WORLD Pete Tombs (St. Martin’s Griffin 1998)

NAKED LENS: BEAT CINEMA Jack Sargeant (Creation 1997)

NIGHTMARE MOVIES Kim Newman (Bloomsbury 2011)

NIGHTMARE OF ECSTASY: THE LIFE AND ART OF EDWARD D. WOOD JR. Rudolph Grey (Feral House 1994)

THE PSYCHOTRONIC ENCYCLOPEDIA OF FILM Michael Weldon (Ballantine 1983)

THE PSYCHOTRONIC VIDEO GUIDE Michael J. Weldon (Titan 1996)

RE/SEARCH #10: INCREDIBLY STRANGE FILMS Andrea Juno & V. Vale & Jim Morton, eds. (V Search 1986)

SCHLOCK-O-RAMA: THE FILMS OF AL ADAMSON David Konow (Lone Eagle Publishing 1998)

SEE NO EVIL: BANNED FILMS AND VIDEO CONTROVERSY David Kerekes & David Slater (Headpress/Critical Vision 2001)

THE SLEAZE MERCHANTS: ADVENTURES IN EXPLOITATION FILMMAKING John Mccarty (St. Martin’s Griffin 1995)

SLEAZOID EXPRESS Bill Landis & Michelle Clifford (Fireside 2002)

SPAGHETTI WESTERNS: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE VIOLENT Thomas Weisser (McFarland 1992)

SPOOKY ENCOUNTERS: A GWAILO’S GUIDE TO HONG KONG HORROR Daniel O’Brien (Headpress 2003)

A TASTE OF BLOOD: THE FILMS OF HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS Christopher Wayne Curry (Creation 1998)

THE THREE STOOGES: AN ILLUSTRATED HISTORY Michael Fleming (Broadway 1999)

TOKYOSCOPE: THE JAPANESE CULT FILM COMPANION Patrick Macias (Cadence 2001)

THE YAKUZA MOVIE BOOK: A GUIDE TO JAPANESE GANGSTER FILMS Mark Schilling (Stone Bridge 2003)

Don’t forget LEONARD MALTIN’S MOVIE AND VIDEO GUIDE from Signet, which is updated on an annual basis. And don’t miss John Waters’ books SHOCK VALUE and CRACKPOT.

Not least are the many great zines — some lasting only a few issues and others that have stood the test of time. The two I never miss are Steve Puchalski’s SHOCK CINEMA HTTP://MEMBERS.AOL.COM/SHOCKCIN/and the incomparable PSYCHOTRONIC VIDEO from the trailblazing grandaddy of trash cinema culture, Michael J. Weldon (to whom I should probably pay royalties for ripping off his style). Edit: PSYCHOTRONIC is sadly no longer with us. But back issues are a must.

Finally, must mention the Internet Movie Database IMDB.COM, ditto Hong Kong HKMDB.COM, Korean KRMDB.COM and Japan JMDB.NE.JP.

If you want to write to me to say how much you loved/hated the book, or, have some additional info, corrections, insights or (even better) want to send review material for SPINEGRINDER 2, the following email address will be good no matter where I may move:

THESPINEGRINDERJP@YAHOO.CO.JP

I look forward to your feedback.

A HEADPRESS BOOK
First published by Headpress in 2015

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SPINEGRINDER
The Movies Most Critics Won’t Write About

Text copyright © Clive Davies
Foreword copyright © Nick Sheehan
This volume copyright © Headpress 2015
Book design & layout: Mark Critchell <mark.critchell@googlemail.com>
Front cover design: Ganymede Foley
Headpress diaspora: David Kerekes, Thomas Campbell, Caleb Selah,
Giuseppe, Dave T, Jennifer Wallis

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Images are from the collection of the author and are used for the purpose of historical review. Grateful acknowledgement is given to the respective artists, studios and publishers.

Title page: Victor Buono, The Strangler promo art

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